PLAYBOY

A Pictorial
Celebration of

Glorious

Years
SEX
STARS
OF 1980
THE
| ANATOMY
OF DESIRE:
| WHEN YOU'RE NEW SCI-FI
| HOT, YOU'RE НОТ- FROM
| AND HERES WHY PHILIP K. DICK
| CONTEN | LEROY NEIMAN
ЕЁ TRUMAN CAPOTE
DICK GREGORY’S MAS BERGE]
EXCLUSIVE REPORT ANSON net.
FROM INSIDE IRAN MAL

PREVIEW

9 mg. "tar" 0.8 mg. nicotine av.
per cigarette-by FTC method.

Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health.

Camel Lights.
Low tar. Camel taste.

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This Holiday Season,
Give A Masterpiece.

Your friends will enjoy

a toast of “Turkey”

for the holiday celebration.

At 101-Proof, Wild Turkey®
is arecognized masterpiece —
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for the holidays in an elegant
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To send a gift of Wild Turkey
call toll-free: 800-327-0243.
(two bottle minimum)

Void wnere prombites by aw.

(© 1980 AUSTIN. NICHOLS DISTILING 00:
LAWRENCEBURG, KENTUCKY

whiskey in the world's

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This decanter masterpiece—containing 101- Proof Wild
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Another before-dinner treat for those who prefer America's decanters, it's a true family heirloom. About $250. *
finest whiskey at a lower proof—86.8-Proof Wild Turkey. (For further information, call toll-free 800-228-5000.

It's also packaged ready for giving, in a striking holiday carton Nebraska residents call 800-642-8/ / /. ) *Price may vary by state.

zu

ا

Austin р Nichols

wip m
TURKEY В
LIQUEUR |

TID TEKI |

For collectors of Americana (and connoisseurs of Wild Turkey), | | After dinner, savor the "Sippin' Sweet Cream" taste of
America's great native bird is commemorated in this limited-edition Wild Turkey Liqueur. Of the world’s great liqueurs, only one
ceramic decanter filled with 101-Proof Wild Turkey. It's a handsome is made in America—Wild Turkey Liqueur. Now you сап serve

"conversation piece” and an ideal holiday gift. Beautifully boxed. Turkey after dinner too! Elegantly gift-packaged. 80 Proof.

It's Technics SL-10 and it represents the most radical depar-
ture in turntable design since Technics first introduced the
modern direct-drive turntable in 1969.

Not much bigger than a record jacket, the 51-10 com-
bines a quartz-locked direct-drive motor, a servo-controlled
linear-tracking tonearm and a moving-coil cartridge, com-
plete with a built-in pre-preamp.

To play a record, simply place it on the platter, close
the cover and push the start button. The 51-105 micro-
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In addition to providing zero tracking error, the gim-
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Another reason for the 51-105 outstanding accuracy
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Technics 51.-10. The world's most unique turntable.

Technics

The science of sound

PLAY BILL

AROUND CHRISTMAS, everybody talks about the joy of giving.
and [or us, it’s true. We try to give you the best holiday read-
ing in America and we find that it’s fun, a lot like shopping
for just the right gifts for an old friend. But there's nothing
wrong with admitting the obvious: that we all enjoy the gifts
that come to us as well. Throughout the years, the December
issue of PLAYBOY hus always been one of our biggest sellers.
And, frankly, we get a kick out of that. It's like our readers
ristmas present to us. Our only wish is that we could see
the smile on your face when you open our package this year

There are pages and pages of luscious color pictorials, fiction
by Thomas Berger, Philip K. Dick and Sean O'Faclain, a hot Playboy
Interview with George C. Scot and our usual line-up of great
articles. In fact, if it isn't too immodest to say so, we have
everything your heart could desire.

Which brings us to Desire, Senior Staff Writer Jemes R.

Potersen's report on everything science has discovered about
why we want what (or whom) we want, not to mention when
and how we want it. Petersen's motivation for writing the
article stems from his eightyear stint as the Playboy Advisor.
“I'd been to massage parlors, topless bottomless bars, Plato's
Retreat, and so on, all for PLaynoy. It's a dirty job, but some-
body's got to do it. One day I sat down and did an accounting
of all the sexual experiences Га ever had. It wasn't. score-
keeping but a search for answers about myself. By objectively
seeing patterns of what I really wanted sexually, and why I've
done some of the things I've done, I discovered revealing
things about myself. Out of that revelation came the desire to
understand desire.”
IE anyone ever tried harder than Petersen to understand
e, it's Holden Caulfield. the hero of 3. D. Salinger's classic
novel, The Catcher in the Rye. ОГ cose, Носи problen
c what he desired. Now, nearly
30 years alter Salinger's character first fumbled his way onto
the best-seller lists, Contributing Editor Dovid Standish has
brought him up to date with “an affectionate parod led
Holden Caulfield а! Middle Ag And we think you'll be
happy to know that of Holden is still a little crazy after all
these years.

Another person who's never been your average Joe
proud of it) is George C. Scott, veteran actor and terror of Holly-

was that he wasn't exactly su

wood. PLAYBOY interviewer Lawrence Grobel spent 11 days over
nd California taping
Scott wa

a period of two months in Connecticut

the mercurial Scott. Grobel reports that

overweight
n for our first session at
ne we finished the inter-
view eight weeks later, he had changed. He had lost ten
pounds on a strict епо booze, no red meat—to get in
shape for a play, Tricks of the Trade, which he and his wif
Trish Van Devere, will be doing on Broadway when this isst
appears

Dieting is one thing, but particularly the way hu-
st and civil rights activist Dick Gregory docs it, is another.

m
Gregory spent several months in Iran fasting for a peaceful
s W . he gained

unique perspective on that crisis, and also had an audience
Chicago Tribune Washington
dent Barbara Reynolds stayed in close touch with

end to the hosts le he was ther

with the Ayatollah Khomeini

correspo
Gregory and together they wrote Inside Khomeini’s Iran. As
ме go to press, Gregory has returned to the U.S. weighing
98 pounds and the hostages are still captives.

Speaking of captives, imagine yourself locked in а two-by-
six-foot box, half awake and bound for a journey through
space that will take ten years. That's precisely the horror
Philip K, Dick's tragic hero faces in Frozen Journey, illustrated
by Pater Soto. This is the first PLAYBOY appearance [or Dick,

O'FAOLAIN ором

HARWOOD

EDCEWORTH

SMITH

the renowned science-fiction author of more than $0 novels
(his best known is The Man in the High Castle). For fan-
tasy, try Tales of the Animal Crime Squad, by Thomas Berger,
author of Little Big Man. Its a story (illustrated by Wil
Northerner) that disproves the adage that dogs are man’s best
nds. To complete this month's gift wrapped fiction collec-

we have a love story (of sorts) by Seen O'Faolain (illustrated
by Mel Odom), May / Have Some Marmalade, Please?

You'll find our own love story in this issue—two of them, in
fact. One of them delineates our ongo fair with the
Femlin. the tiny female elf you sce every month on our Party
Jokes page. It's be years since she first leaped. full blown,
from the pen of artist teRoy Neimon onto the pages of PLAYBOY,
and we think she and Neiman deserve some special atten
tion. Happy Anniversary, Femlin is one way of showin:
appreciation for
the years. (We also honored her, and Neiman, at a Femlin's
th Birthday Party last October at Magique, Manhattan's
newest celebrity disco /watering hole.) Our second love story
revolves around those ladies who make the Playboy Club such
а nice place to visit. The Club is 20 years old this year, and in
Bunny Birthday, a pictorial essay compiled by Senior Editor
Gretchen McNeese, we sitlute the thousands of beautilul women
who have worn the cottontail over the past two decades.
om love we move along to outright erotica, but classy
erotica, mind you. Contemporary Masters: An Erotic Port-
folio, a selection of works from 20th Century Masters of
Erotic Arl, by Bradley Smith (Crown Publishers). includes Re-
flections on Erotica хау by Henry Miller. 2011 Century
Masters is this month's main selection of the Playboy Book
Club.

Most of us see more erotica on the screen—either the large
the small—than on museum walls. Hence our annual sur-
vey of those who make our hearts beat faster, Sex Stars of
1980. Jim Harwood gives you a run-down on who's who in the
package, put together by MeNooce, Contributing Editor Bruce
Williemsen, West Coast Photography Editor Merilyn Grabowski,
Senior Director Chet Suski and Assistant Photograph

Editor Patty Beaudet. One sexy lady whose star is definitely on
the rise is actress Linde Kerridge. Li looks an awful lot like
Marilyn Monroe, as you'll sce in our pictorial on her, Double
Take, photographed hy Staff. Photographer Richard Fegley. If
Linda follows in Marilyn's footsteps. she'll probably marry
George Brett, the Joe DiMaggio (hittingwise) of ow
Linda and George haven't met cach other yet. but you
still say you saw it predicted here first. Aud while we're on
the subject of predictions, don't forget, all you colle; asket-
ball fans. that this is the month when our peerless sports
prognosticator Anson Mount brings you Playboy's College Bas-
ketball Preview, along with Playboy's 1980-1981 Preview All-
America Team. M you don't think anybody can really predict
the future, save this issue and check Mounts prediction
the end of the season. We'll bet
you'll never bet against Ans

"The goodies (we want you ng to be brim full, you
know) keep coming this month. Not the least of them is The
Emperors’ New Clothes, by Fashion Director Devid Plott
(photographed by Anthony Edgeworth), a guide to dressing for
success. Success, of course, calls for а toast. And in the winter,
nothing could be better t hot drink. H пору, grogs and
toddics appeal to you, you can learn how to make great ones
from Warm Regards, by Emenvel Greenberg, illustrated by Jon
Whitcomb. Il you are tempted to celebrate with more expensive,
e and exotic substances, hold off until you read a Playboy
Forum essay on The Free-Base Fad. Alter all, we want you to
а safe Christmas, as well as a merry one. To guarantee
some yuletide уок, we prescribe a dose of Playboy's Christmas
Cards, by Tem Koch. То really round out the issue (round-
er, firmer and more fully packed you won't find, good buddy),
Beo, our December Playmate, Golden Gil Temi Welles,

ll Neiman's little lady has done for us ov

IRISH WHISKEY

A BLEND Я
ДЕЛГЕН IN IRELAND

thy лал
LIMITED =

BOW STREET DISTIL
DUBLIN —

*Seotch and water.”

If you like fine Scotch, youl love delicate.

light, imported Jameson Irish. The dedicated Scotch drinker
Try a glass of Jameson Irish the way will instantly appreciate this flavor
you would your favorite Scotch. With difference.
water. Soda. On the rocks. Though it may take a little time
You'll notice how much it tastes like getting used to saying, “Jameson Irish
fine Scotch—only lighter and more and wi ater, please?

Jameson. World's largest-selling Irish Whiskey.

80 PROOF • CALVERT DIST. CO., N.YC.

PLAYBOY.

vol. 27, по. 12—december, 1980 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE
PLAYBIUIS As eR ng ogee 5

THE WORLD OF PLAYBOY ... 15

DEAR PLAYBOY 21

PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS .... 29

MOVIE ESSAY ... . 35

On the set of Nine to Five with Jane Fonda, Lily Tomlin and Dolly Parton.

ЧОН 012 42
Elvis from beyond the grave; adventures of a hot fusion fiddler.
MOVIES) а eS 50
Some strong roles for women, plus intrîguing imports from Brazil and Australia.
TELEVISION .
Derek Jacobi stuns in Hom
BOOKS 25235
Woody Allen is more fun onscreen than in print, but Pat (The Great Santini]
Conroy hits hard.
COMING. ATTRACTIONS SDE AES a ES 62
Arole for Raquel; aftereffects of the actors’ strike.
tn PLAYBOY'S TRAVEL GUIDE .................. STEPHEN BIRNBAUM 65
x Stors p " iG
IF it's holiday nostalgia you're after, here's where to go.
THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR . E 67
THE PLAYBOY FORUM . А 73
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: GEORGE c. SCOTI cen id conversation ..... 81

The veteran film star talks about his right-wing views, his battles with the
bottle, the difference between himself and other actors and why he's one of
the angriest men in Hollywood.

FROZEN JOURNEY—fiction ...................... PHILIP K. DICK 140
It's rough being neurotic, even with plenty of earthly distractions and a good
shrink. But when you're going crazy on a space ship with only a computer to
help you, snapping is, well, a snap.

BUNNY BIRTHDAY— pictorial Жу Жыз T oan ve Gils a LES i 144
On the 20th anniversary of the Playboy Clubs, we s couldn’ ' think of a better way
to celebrate than this loving tribute to their most popular attraction.

INSIDE KHOMEINI'S

IRAN—article..........- DICK GREGORY with BARBARA REYNOLDS 158
While human-rights activist Gregory was fasting for peace in Iran, he saw
the other side of the hostage story and met the Ayatollah.

PLAYBOY'S CHRISTMAS GIFT GUIDE—gifts ..................... 163
Our annual yuletide selection of special things to put under your tree.

MAY I HAVE SOME MARMALADE,

PLEASES -Ron Lac uca cS cag Aa SEAN O'FAOLAIN 168
There was the woman he knew over the breakfast table, and there was the
lover he met in the tavern—and they were the same.

THE EMPERORS’ NEW CLOTHES—attire .............. DAVID PLATT 173
If you buy your clothes to dress for success, you're making a good investment.

p] E JAMES R. PETERSEN 178

k We suppose it began right after Adam and Eve ate the apple; but exactly

Femlin Anniversary 3 what is it?

Winter Drinks

GENERAL OFFICES: FLAYSOY BUILDING. элэ NOFTH MICHIGAN AVE., CHICACO, ILLINOIS 60511. RETURN FOSTAGE MUST ACCOMPANY ALL KARUSCRH
16 THEY ARE TO GE RETURNED AND NO RESFONSIDILITY CAN BE ASSUMED FOR UNSOLICITED MATERIALS. ALL RIGHTS IK LETTERS SENT TO PLAYDOY
тоя PUBLICATION AND COPYRIGHT PURPOSES ANO AS SUDJECT TO PLAYDCY s UNRESTRICTED FIGHT то EDIT AND TO COMMENT EDITORIALLY.
FIGHTS RESERVED. PLAYBOY AND RABBIT HEAD SYMBOL ARE MARKS OF PLAYBOY. REGISTERED Ш,5 PATENT OFFICE. MARCA REGISTRADA. MARQUE DEPOSEE. NOTHING MAY BE REPRINTED IN WHOLE
PEOPLE ANE PLACES 15 PURELY COINCIDENTAL. CREDITS! COVER: DESIGNED ат
EDIE paskin BRENT DEAR. ғ. 15; ALAN DOLESTA, P. е

COSTA/ SYGNA, P. 140. NANCY CRAMPTON. P. т; JORN DEREK, T. E36
NANCY ELLISON © паво / самтк-\лмзон. P. гат (2); MALCOLM C. EMU!
193; ARMY FREYTAS, Р, 144: ANGELO FRONTONI, P. 245: DAVE GARTNER, P. 146: CHAS CERRETSEN / MEGA €

. DRAWINGS AND PHOTOGRAPHS SUBMITTED
IE TREATED AS UNCONDITICNALLT ASSIGNED

COVER STORY

In honor of the 20th anniversory of the Ployboy Clubs, Executive Ап Director Tom
Staebler ond Senior Art Director Len Willis have positioned the occouterments of the
bosic Bunny outfit to resemble our very own Rabbit. You might coll it o bunnyrabbit. We
thought it wos cute. But not os cute os the 14 pages of reo! Bunnies you'll see in Bunny
Birthday (роде 144). You'll wish you were Peter Cottontail.

GOLDEN GIRL—playboy’s playmate of the month . .. 184
Terri Welles is ап ex-flight attendant who hos her feet on the ‘ground ond
cur head in the clouds.
PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES—humor ............................ 198
TALES OF THE ANIMAL
CRIME, SQUAD—fiction: -....-.2.......-....... THOMAS BERGER 200
In а dog-eat-dog world, it's no surprise thot onimols have taken to crime.
And somebody hos to bring them to justice. 1
X 2
PLAYBOY'S CHRISTMAS CARDS—verse . TOM KOCH 202 тайап Notebook
Mischievous missives for famous people.
WARM REGARDS—drink .... EMANUEL GREENBERG 204
From grogs to nogs, there's ‘nothing "like а hot winter drink to warm your
cockles.
CONTEMPORARY MASTERS: AN EROTIC PORTFOLIO .............. 207

A look ct Bradley Smith's incredible collection of erotic art, including works
by Andy Warhol, Jean Paul Cleren, Lucien Coutaud ond many others, accom-
panied by Henry Miller's essoy, Reflections on Erotica

тӘ... 72-2: 218 СӨ ЕТЕНЕ
Шаа Кедек aniacires о looke ka Marilyn) Малаа НЕ
hos started о heat wave with her latest movie role.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, FEMLIN—pictoriol .................... 1:229
The noughty little lady who has become clmost as much a symbol of PLAYBOY
‘as the Robbit is 25 this year; we salute her ond the artist who has brought her
1o us, LeRoy Neimon.

HOLDEN CAULFIELD AT MIDDLE AGE—parody ....DAVID STANDISH 234
The lost time we sow ol’ Holden, he was a whacked-out adolescent. Years
loter, he's proof that while you con take a nut off the funny farm, you can't
take the "funny" out of the nut.

SEX STARS OF 1980—pictorial essay .. . . JIM HARWOOD 236
If you're tired of seeing the some old faces (ond bodies} in movies ond on
TV, relox. There's always а new crop just over the cinematic horizon.

UNEXPURGATED SUNDAY SCHOOL—ribald classic

PLAYBOY'S COLLEGE

BASKETBALL PREVIEW—sports .............. .-. ANSON MOUNT 251
Our pre-secson picks for the country's top undergrad hoop stars, plus PLAYBOY'S
1980—1981 preview oll-America teom.

20 QUESTIONS: TRUMAN CAPOTE .... ...................... 258 Golden Gid
He may be on the wagon, but he's as feisty and funny as ever

PLAYBOY FUNNIES—humor ..

PLAYBOY'S PIPELINE
Man & Work; pension advice.

PLAYBOY POTPOURRI .
PLAYBOY PUZZLE ....

BLA BOY ON) THEESCENES, аа
Gift perfume, loungewear, cars that go in the snow, Grapevine, Sex News. Marmolode, Please

D

P. 168

за © с WRCWHIE мант / PHOOREPORTERS. P. зав: DWIGHT HOOKER. P. паз. CARL IRI. т. элс. VSS: MENARD KLEIN, P % (3), MU. Заз, заз; DOM KLUMPP. P адз, @ пази ANMIE
ЫСО / СОНТАСТ, P. 209 (2). 243, LARRY L. LOGAN, P. 15 (3), 155; CARI 239, 240, KEN MARCUS, P. 155, аза, ALAN MARKFIELO/
REPORTAGE INTL, ғ. аг; ELLIOT MARES, ғ. тї; LAMONT MC LENORE, P- P. озу, € (2), тз: 2. BARRY ORO

ALAN PAPPE/ LEE GROSS. т. 242: и. PLATT, P. 154; POMPEO POSAR. Р. Y

LONDON, P. їзє; SUZE RANDALL, P. 246; WERE RIFTS © 1920/ GAMMJA-LIAISON, P- 219
STEVE SEWAPINO/ STOMA, P. 3B. гат; TONY SCOTT, P. i EVA SEMENY | SYA, T. 239 4); GEMINE SMIM, IMC., т. а; VERMON L этиїт, P: з (г), P (2), te; ILL SUME
MARTHA SWOPE, P. 40; UNITED PRESS INT'L, F. 5; ALINAS UREA, P. 181 (2), 3. WHITE. P. 147; M. F. WOLFE, P. 80; ARNOLD ZANN. Р. 192: JOHN ZIMMERMAN, P. 152. PHOTO CREDIT FOR
LUNCH WAGON" SHOT IN NOVERGER Р. 12, UY ROBERT VERA. ILLUSTRATIONS BY: DON COSGROVE, P. 107; MIKE CINNAUS, P. 202; JAY LYNCH, P. 202; MARK RICKETTS, P, 202; BILL
UTEENBACK, ғ. 203; DON WILSON, P. 103. P. 149, DONALD REILLY CARTOON REPRINTED FROM "THE SATURDAY LVEMING FOST, © 154 THE CURTIS PUBLISHING CORPANY. P. 367, COURTESY
CAR AND BRIVER' MAGAZINE. INSERTS: SCNY CARD BETWEEN 321.33, 360-201.

Two great naturals
together for the first time.
Leroux Coffee Amaretto.

The Leroux Toasted Almond.
Mix 12 oz. Coffee Amaretto,
120z. milk,

shake with ice. <<
Delicious!

P e7
ork

Only Leroux аз this

great new combination. ==
The elegant taste of amaretto enhanced
with just the right amount of coffee.

And it's delicious. Naturally. Because it's Leroux.
Once you've tasted Leroux International Liqueurs,
no other liqueurs will do.

Leroux International Liqueurs

Another of our 52 naturals from France, Italy, U.S., Austria, and Denmark.
For free recipes, write General Wine б Spirits, Box 1645, FDR Stotion, NY. NY. 10022.

PLAYBOY

HUGH M. HEFNER
editor and publisher

LEHRMAN associate publisher
ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director
ARTHUR PAUL art director
DON GOLD managing editor
GARY COLE photography director
G. BARRY GOLSON executive editor

TOM STAEBLER executive art director

EDITORIAL

ARTICLES: JAMES MORGAN editor; FICTION
ALICE к. TURNER editor; TERESA GROSCH as
sistant editor; SUAVE: WILLIAN |. HELMER,
GRETCHEN MC NEESE, DAVID STEVENS senior edi-
lors; JAMES R. PETERSEN senior staf] writer;
ROBERT P. CARE, WALTER L- LOWE, BARBARA
NELLIS, Jony HEZEK asociate editors; JOHN
BLUMENTHAL мај writer; SUSAN MARGOLIS
WINTER, TOM PASSAVANE associate new york
editors; KATE NOLAN, J. F- O'CONNOR assistant
editors; SERVICE FEATURES: том OWEN
modern living editor; кп WALKER assistant
editor; pavio тылга fashion di ; GAR-
TOONS: MICHELLE URRY editor; COPY: ARLENE
novras editor: STAN aner assistant editor;
JACKIE JOHNSON, MARCY MARCII, BARI LYNN
NASH, CONAN PUTNAM, PEG SEHULIZ, DAVID
VAKDY, маку ZION. researchers; CONTRIBUT-
ING EDITORS: ава AUER, SIFPHEN WRNKAUM
(navel). MURRAY FISHER, LAWRENCE. СКОНЕ,
NAT HENTOIF, ANSON MOUNT, PETER ROSS RANGE,
RICHARD RHODES, JOHN SACK, ROBERT SHERRILL.
DAVID. STANDISIL, BRUCE WILLIAMSON. (movies);
CONSULTING EDITORS: LAWRENCE 5. MEIZ,
LAURENCE GONZALES

ART
inging dieeta: асы жалақ
LT SUSKI senior directors; WOR POST, skii
SAMSON associale directors; BRUCE HANSEN,
THEO ROUVATSOS, JOSEPH PACZEK assistant
directors; WIM кам senior arl assistant;
EARL MIURA, JOYCE PEKALA art assistants
SUSAN HOLMSTROM (ріс coordinator; или
HARA HOFFMAN administrative assistant

PHOTOGRAPHY,
NALIN склом west Coast editor; IFT
COHEN, JANICE моче associate editors; wen
ARD FLGLEY, POMPEO POSAK staff photog
phers; AMES LARSON photo manager
MISENAULT, DON AZUMA, DAVID CHAN, NICHOLAS
DE SCIOSE, PHILLIP. DIXON, ANNY FREYTAG,
DWIGHT HOOKER, R. SCOTT HOOPTR, RICHARD
її, STAN MALINOWSKI, KEN MARCUS contrib
uting photographers: FATTY WAUDEY өзімен
edit: малы малаку (London), JEAN rir
мому (Paris, LUISA STEWART (Rome) cor-
respondents; JAMES waro color lab superi
м; көшке Ойл administrative editor

PRODUCTION

JONN MASTRO divertor; ALLEN VARGO manager
MARIA: мами sistant manager: TLEANORE
WAGNER, JODY JURGETO, RICHARD QUAMETAROLI
assistants

READI RV
CY NTA LAGEY-SII тане

CIRCULAT
mensen sym director;
scription man

N WIEMOLD sub

)VERTISING
HENRY W. MARKS director

ADMINISTRATIVE
MICHAEL LAURENCE business manager; PATRICIA
PAPANGELIS administrative editor; FAULTY
емин rights & permissions manager; Mt-
ти» ZIMMERMAN administrative assistant

PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES. INC.

ласк J. олхагах president

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THE WORLD OF PLAYBOY

m which we offer an insider's look at what's doing and who's doing it
t ©

FOURTH ANNUAL MIDSUMMER JAMMIE
JAM: A NIGHTIE NIGHT TO REMEMBER

In Hollywood, most traditions die fast, Not so Hugh M. Hefner's Midsummer
Night's Dream pajama party at Playboy Mansion West, a significant holi-
day on the LA. party circuit. A! this year's bash, a record 500 guests
tumed out, wearing sleepwear, natch—it’s required dress for the event.
Below, a tent over the pool area creates an arena for pajama games.

Above, Hef hugs a longtime friend, actress Ursula
Andress, beaming with what may be pride—
she recently gave birth to a baby boy, whose
father (Harry Hamlin) is barely visible at right.

ANTT ү
“wy 1

At left, Hef checks in with Patty
Hearst, in her gridiron nightshirt.
Patty's currently completing her
autobiography. At right, Cicely Ty-
son and producer James Komack,
who arrived with his wife in match-
ing neck braces alter an auto mis-
hap. Komack, who created Welcome
Back, Kotter and The Courtship of
Eddie's Father for TV, is producing
his first theatrical film, Foo! Proof.

OK, BACHELOR NUMBER ONE, WHAT'S
YOUR IDEA OF A DREAM DATE?

June 1980 Playmate Ola Ray toasts superstar
George Benson in a promotional film for George's
new album, Give Me the Night, which is the first
release from producer Quincy Jones's Qwest label.

S o wu
LIFE IS A CABARET AT LA. CLUB

Above, Hef shows up to reopen the renovated Cabaret of the Los Angeles
Playboy Club. Check out the Bunnies—the Club's not the only thing that's
changed. The new frilly costumes are wom only by Bunnies in the
Cabaret show lounges soon to be a feature at most Playboy Clubs.

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Twentieth Anniversary Bunny
Danita Jo Fox and fitness
expert Mark Rawhouser, be-
tow, test Nautilus gear at grand
‘opening of the Lake Geneva
Playboy Resort's $1,500,000 Fit-
ness and Racquet Center, which
features a fitness-monitoring
program to reduce health risks,

PLAYMATE UPDATE: UNIQUE MONIQUE
TURNS IN A JOB WELL DONE

In Motel Hell (above), 1979 Playmate of the Year
Monique St. Pierre embarks on a kinky sex holiday
at an inn whose host uses guests (including Sep-
tember 1978 Playmate Rosanne Katon, to her left)
to, uh, beef up sausage production at his packing
house. Here again, Monique as Playmate, right.

WHEN IN ROME....

When Mel Brooks humbly accepted the task of filming The History
of the World Part I, he enlisted a little help from his friend Hel, who
plays himself at the annual Temple of Eros orgy in ancient Rome.
Here's Hef on the set beside photography director Woody Omens.

GOOD SPORT

Roger Kahn peers over
E. P. Dutton's Best Sports
Stories annual, which in-
cludes his May 1979
PLAYBOY article, Past | 7)
Their Prime, a look at ag-
ing athletes. Kahn also
wrote the recently re-
leased Playboy paper-
back But Not 10 Keep.

JAPANESE YEN FOR PLAYMATES

East met West and liked what it saw when eight Playmates showed up for
PLAYBOY Japan's fifth anniversary. Flanking hosts of The 11 PM Show (Japan's
Tonight) are, from left, Michele Drake, Sylvie Garant, Candy Loving, Liz Glazow-
ski, Vicky McCarty, Denise McConnell, Louann Fernald and Missy Cleveland.

AND NOW, FROM THE FLOOR....

Among the celebs (Willie Nelson, Lauren Bacall)
at the Democratic Convention, who was most
often interviewed? Some say Illinois alternate
delegate Christie Hefner (above), who headed
up the drive for a liberal plank on abortion.

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Because Super-
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And Supertunerll isn't just stereo that's
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and

OLD-FASHIONED LOVE?
І have been an

the time and trouble and the joy
the ecstasy—lor this 1 commend vou.
Dan Davidson
Brownsville,

incurable. romantic

my first love. After reading We'll Take
Romance!, by John Sack (PLaysoy, Sep-
tember), I can do nothing bı Jon Whitcomb had illustrated your essa
its return to popularity. | have known өп romance. For many years, | have ad-
ro- mired Whitcomb's art and 1 have won-
dered about his career. All my life. I
have had a desire to draw. When 1 was
trying to teach myself, 1 learned by copy-
ing many of Whitcomb’s illustrations.

I was extremely pleased to see that

celebrate.

many women who have sparked
mantic spirit within me, but my romances
have been few. Yet each of those few
has filled a treasure chest of unforgetta-
ble memories: the kind of memories that.

will not age with time. In the words of 1 agree that Whitcomb has "not lost his

that formidable romantic of our century, -his illustration is lovely.

Here's looking at you, kid." M E. W. Newhouse
Roi Prescott Valley, Arizona

Chicago, Illinois

Ту life would be a lot more romantic,
I know, with one of those nifty bathtubs
your couple is enjoying on page 95. So
who makes

We'll Take Romance! is quite inspira-
tional. I've always enjoyed your articles,
but this one came when 1 needed it
most. My wile and I were going to
divorce: then 1 woke up. realizing that
nost of what had or hadn't happened
was on my own shoulders. So 1 asked her
back. As | read your essay, it occurred
10 me that I'd taken the romance out of
our marriage. It has given me some new
ideas and made me aware of the im-
portance of romance їп a marriage.
nk you, John Sack, and thank you,
PLAY nov, lor your line magazine.

John P. Kirkpatrick

Barstow, California

Chuck Terry

New York, New York

The Kohler Company of Kohler, W.
consin, can supply you with the Birthday
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eta

THAT JAZZ MAN
Congratulations to you and to $
Merrill for his colorful interview with
Roy Scheider in the September issue.
You brought me closer to Scheider than
Beautiful! That rrAYnov should any talk show or magazine article has
us a little romance along with its usual ever donc.
mix of intelligent and witty reading Loi
md outstanding visual entertainment
ly serves to help us all u
d enjoy our fellow man (and wc
to Ше fullest. "Love," "Romance";
careful, PLAyuoy, those are powerful
words that still scare the hell out of
a lot of us. To show that such old-
fashioned relationships are still worth

ne Marshall
Levittown, New York

Scheider has been one of America's
finest actors for years, and finally, after
brilliant. performances in Betrayal and
All That Jazz, he is getting the kind of
recognition he deserves. In my opinion,
his dazzling portrayal of Joe Gideon]

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PLAYBOY

22

Bob Fosse in All That Jazz will go down
as onc of the most extraordinary motion
picture performances of the Seventies.
Peter Goodman
West Long Branch, New Jersey

Scheider need not wait to wake up о

[4

g to find he is а fraud—he can

ny word Lor it now. He is a haud.
Ken Lausa
Lima, Ohio

So now, according to Roy Scheider,
thiness I
n Marlon
twisted

ctor whose talent and ci
had admired, fellow thespi
Brando has become “sour and
ad jaded”? Just because Bi
championed minority causes ins
mersing himselt in the acting tra
he's à maverick. Indians are still among
the most betrayed, ravished and brutal-
ized people ol color. Anyone who would
come to their aid is admirable.

Peggy Johnson
Des Moines. Iowa

LONG, LEAN, LOVELY LISA
1 have been a faithful reader of
vLAvBOY since 1965 and 1 have saved all
my copies. 1 have just gone though all
my past issues, and there int one
Playmate who adds up to Miss Septem
ber. Lisa Welch. She is one beautiful
lady. Thank you. Ken Marcus and Pom
peo Posar, for doing such outstanding
work. And thank you. PLAvaoy, lor being
such a good friend throughout the years.
Michael B. Sorg
Mission Viejo, California

i L haven't written to a m
vine belore. I was so overwhelmed: with
Lisa that 1 just couldn't. resist. She lias
to be the most beantilul. girl Гуе ever
seen. Unreal.

Nick Danikas

Myrtle Beach, South Carolin

We would like to thank rıaysoy and
Lisa's parents for a job well done
Sonny Lewis
David Rew
Melta, Vir

In what part of the solar system did
you find Lisa Welch? She's too gorgeous
to come from planet Earth.
Reid low
Kamloops.

ritish Columbia

Her face alone із enough to bring my
senses to a fine типе. My thanks to
rLaynoy for indi
cisco dor harboring her
Marcus and Pompeo Posar lor capturing
her beauty for us all.

Jeff Morris
Hunting

g her, to San Fran
Ken

and to

1 Beach. California

Lisa's natural beauty and sensitive ap-
ave definitely won her a place
r hearts, Now, in addition to

Mom and apple pie, we have the girl
next door to defend as well
The L ants of First Platos
Company E

nk you lor finding the
girl of my dreams. 1 looked. almost all
over the East Coast and central Midwest
lor her. I never lost hope, E just ran out
of money. So. with my шм $2.50, 1
bought a rLaynoy and found her. Il yo
print another picture of Lisa, ГИ dig a

little deeper.

ау say so). T hope
in the futur

ch more of Li:

icaster, Pennsyly
The future is now, JD. And even
though it doesn't lake an extraordinary

1

4

amount of taste to see the beauty in
Lisa, we do appreciate the compliment

THE URBANE COWPERSON
I really enjoyed William J. Helmer's
September essay. A Cowboy's Lament
Геп years ago. when 1 started high
school, kids like me were set apart Irom
everyone else because we wore boots.
shirts that snapped. blue jeans and bi
helt buckles. Now, lo and behold. every
onc wants to look like us. And the lunny
part is that in three years, when this lad
has died down, the true cowboys will still
dress and act as we did ten years ago
Leigh Fairhead
Merriam Nebraska

cker Irom the Mid-
П or 12 years.
zine before
I've

m a long-haul tr
nd have been for

west
Ive never written to
suspect I never

and will

looked at PLAyBoy for years, mainly for
the pictures, but [ read A Cowboy's
nd Vd just like to say to W. J.
You done good!”

Gump
Casstown, Ohio

I can appreciate Helmers situation.
Been wearing cowboy shiris and jeans
since high school, Comfortable clothes.
But Im bom Alaska, not Te:
ridden a horse, driven
an oil tig. Never been to New York, Chi-
ago or Los Angeles (too many people).
But il I should visit and someone should
be foolish enough to call me a faggot. I
hope the fella knows а good doctor who
m surgically remove a finely tuned
Frye from his backside.
George Bernardy

Yukon, Alaska

Shee:

п. 1 know, since Tve 1
the same nc lor the past ten y
100, all over the parts of the cou
inhabited by Yankees. [ even d
аа in staid ol Boston, complete wi
AWD truck, Or d а chaw
of snulf (which is just now reaching
them idiots. Went over big in Bean
Town, and [ lound I could drive down
one-way streets the wrong way and escape
by telling the fuzz we didn't have no
one-way streets in Bend. € on. Now,
since every jerk with a few bucks is
playin’ the cowboy role, Гуе retaliated
with a new scam that might be of in
terest to you. | got me a jeep hat from
Piedmont AMC/ Jeep. in Charlotte,
North Carolina. and that's a real atten-
tion getter, Tells the prospective mugger
who's watched the good ol boys on TV
throw city slickers through walls, that 1
ain't to be screwed with. Of course, bib
overalls work well. too, and combat boots
lend flavor. A little attention to casual
appearance can be as elfective in эса
the shit сша muggers as сату

howitzer would be.

bone
a, Washington

Joe Z
‘Taco

Anyway. our hats and boots will
where they belong alter all this b
over: on our heads and leet, not packed
away itt some closet alter they're no long

ег chic. And when all the country discos
are dead and gone, Bob Wills, Tommy
Duncan, Waylon, V Moe and foc,

Mel
ever, God bless you and th
Helmer.

nd Merle will be stronger. than
ak vou. Mr

Dick Gaherty
Dallas, Texas

SOUTHWEST SIZZLERS
Credit ought to go to PLAYBOY photog
raphers David Chan and. Nicholas De
Sciose. The September issue, featuri
the Girls of the Southwest Conference, is

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23

PLAYBOY

24

à

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simply fabulous and most definitely a
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Michael T. Biehunko
Victoria, Texas

As a Baylor alumnus who worked on
the Таа! at the time of the conflict
involving rravnov, I can honestly say
€ of the contro
sy is more accurate than any account
1 have r nd I have read hundreds,
from The Baptist Standard’s to The New
York

ing to do with whether or not our coeds

that PLAYBOY'S cove
E

imes's. The controversy had noth

should pose for rravwov. Instead. we
wanted freedom of our press, the Lariat,
which was denied us by the pious. hypo
critical administration. I do d
with rravsov's statement that the stu
dent body was apathetic during this
episode. Later in the semester, the stu
dents elected junior editors Jeff Barton
and Cyndy Slovak to the very publica
tions board that had fired them. They
were the top vote getters in that election
However, they will not serve on the
board, because they have transferred to
the University of Texas. Nevertheless
thanks for an accurate account. And it
is good to be out of the Baylor Bubble

Del Shores

Los Angeles, California

He may be a turkey, but Abner McCall
is the de facto publisher of Baylor's
Lariat. That means alb editorial deci
sions necessarily lie with him. The
Larías integrity would be questioned
only il it had quivered and quaked
and allowed itself to be dictated to by
a mighty, multimillion-dollar magazine
А lot of good people lost their jobs. posi
tions or scholarships because of this
Congratulations . . . you've succeeded in
making McCall look like a prudish idiot
But, damn it, at least he stood up lor
what he believes in.

Keith Figley
Richardson, Texas

Being a Baylor graduate, I can under
id the frustrations you encountered.
It is regrettable, too, because Baylor is an
excellent school ally and other
wise. On the subject at hand. though.
1 regret to say that Texas A & M appea
to have defeated us all. Tamara Follett
has got to be one of the most. gorgeous
women exer to have found her way into
your magazine.

stá

adem.

J. R. Hallson
Sugar Land, Texas

Texas Tech tops the league with girls
like Teresa Campsey

Pat Murphy

South St. Paul. Minnesota

One coed caught my буе, even though
her picture is small. Ym referring to

Sheila С.
hen I was 25 1 was really the
perfect wife. the perfect
and the perfect homemaker,

TI drove a great big stationwagon.

“Well, Im no lon 5 and Tm
no longer anyone's wile—my kids are
grown and have Kids of their own
and 1 have a career.

“And that stationwagon is just a
rusted memory.

“You know what I did? | went out
and bought myself an Alfa Romeo
Spider.

“Irs red and ifs got a convertible
topand sometimes when Ї pass these
ladies in their huge stationwagons
full of Kids, and dogs, and groceries
nd sav to myself. there but
се ol my Alla go 17

ee

hen 1 was a young man I
dreamed that one day I would
own an Alfa Romeo.

Bill В.

“But then ] got married and
Jennifer arrived a vear later; two
ars after that, Rober
My dream of owning an АШ
gave way to the reality of a тог
dentists bills, and college tuition.

But now Jennifer is married and
has a Jennifer of her own, Robert
Junior is through law school.

“And this 50 vear old kid went
out and bought himself an Alfa
Romeo Spider.

“Do I love my Alfa as much as I
thought | would? Well. I's a dream
come true?

ЫЕ

A
Ray R.
aped through colleg
aduale school with one
crummy used car after another.

“But now that Pye got a grown up
job with grown up responsibility. 1
thought Td treat myself to a brand
new car.

“Well. at first. | thought the world
^d me by—all those cars

1 the Alfa
First of all. it's a convertible!
And most of all is an Alfa Romeo.

“What a machine!

“Today when I leave the office
after all those meetings. my hair cut
short, necktie in place. ГЇЇ jump into
my very own Alfa Romeo Spider.

“You know, all that college was
worth it^

Alfa Romeo Deale
700: in 1 и 800-4

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Brenda Kepner of Texas A & M. I don't
think I've se
in some time.

1a woman so eye-catching

Dick Schmidt
Van Nuys, California

You blew it! The girl on top in the
photo on page 140 of your September
is Dana McConnell, not Cheryl
Carlson. I met Dama last . and
she's got a fantastic personality to go
with her good looks

issue

sprin

Carl Knowlan

Austin, Texas

Sorry about the mix-up, Carl, and our

apologies to both Cheryl and Dana. We

alsa have to admit to a goof on Anne

Brinkmann, page H4, who attends Rice

University in Houston, not the Univer-
sity of Houston. Sorry about that, Anne

HATS OFF TO LUTECE

T've heard of a guy's wearing more than
one hat in his job, but the gentleman
pouring wine for Tom Brokaw in Sep-
tember's World of Playboy should ha
a chef's hat on. That is, unless he really
isn't the chefowner of Lutèce, André
Soler. Having been there recently, I
know thats the captain, Jean-Pierre
Foucart.

Tom Paine
New York, New York
Right you are, Tom. And to clear up
any further confusion, here's the real

André Soltner, in the appropriate chef's
chapeau, being toasted by his staff at
Lutèce.

OLD MISS MAKES A HIT
Miss September 1l gets my vote for
Woman of the Year! I'm still laughing
about her Playmate Data Sheet and can
really relate to her turmons! 1 have
always enjoyed the old girl's antics—she
finally gets the recognition she deserves!
Pam Hunter
Colorado Springs, Colorado

The centerfold of Granny is a real
turn-on. It’s about time you showed some
real class. Keep up the good work.

The Boys of Starboard Side
N.O.P. Support Section
Camp LeJeune, North Carolina

Your Alternative Playmate, Granny,
has my vote and those of the rest of the

boys at Corry Station for Playmate of the

Year. She has all the qualities we look
for in a “real” woman. How come it took
so long?
Alex Fields
Pensacola, Florida

This time, you've really outdone your-
selves. Your Miss September H is simply
unbelievable.

Murphy
Salinas, California

I have to congratulate Buck Brown

on Miss September LL It cracked me up.
Chuck Holmberg
Hastings, Nebraska

Congratulations on your New Girl on
Campus! Granny is an American insti-
tution.

Douglas Beardsley
Jamestown, New York

“UNAUTHORIZED” BIOGRAPHY
In response to the letter from Barbara

Rowes in your July issue, unfortunately,
you can't get a lawyer to "unauthorize"
a book just because you think it is a
lifeless representation of an era. Yes, the
names, dates and places are correct in
the Grace Slick biography, but it is not
casy to write about a doctor if you
can’t stand sick people. Barbara Rowes
doesn’t like rock music or the lifestyle
OL its pertormers, making communi
tion between her and the people in-
volved in the story a touchy situation at
best. There is nothing "wrong" with the
book. It's just boring.

Grace Slick

San Ralael, California

RABBIT RETRIBUTION?
Now it's your turn to find the Rabbit!
just thought 1 would check and make

sure everything is OK with praysoy and
the gentleman upstairs
Jeff Helberg
Greenshoro, North Carolina
There are no problems that we know
of, Jeff. That lightning balt was prob-
ably meant for some evildoers under-

neath the trees.

2 =
ت‎
ooo ыс»,
ooo 0-j
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PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS

HEADLINE OF THE MONTH

The North York, Ontario, Mirror ran
a piece by regular columnist Dick Singer
about house cleaning. It was titled, “OUR
DICK GETS SUCKED INTO VACUUMING.

BAR NUN

A man who underwent а sex-change
operation faced another reversal recent
ly. The head of the Mother House of the
Sisters of Saint John the Divine turned
down the transsexual's appli
come a nun at the Anglican convent, say-

ation to be-

ing, “I have enough problems already.”

MEET MR. WIZARD

Paul Galegos of Blackfoot, Idaho, is
cursed with a scientific nature. Recently,
for instance, he attempted to find out
what elfects alcohol would have on a
manlesnake. Taking a beer into a cage
housing a friend's pet rattler, Galegos
began tapping the snake on the back ot
the head with one hand while hokling
the beer can in front of it with the other
When the rattler reared to strike, Galegos
tried to pour the beer down the critter's
mouth. The snake, however, was not in а
brew mood and bypassed the suds for

alegos thumb. Before he could screech
"Schlitz me,"
local hospital, fighting olf the ellects of
the venom. Now on the mend, Galegos
swears he's learned his lesson. Next time,
hell experiment on a less aggressive
breed—such as a librarian.

he was on his way to a

NIGHT OF THE LIVING BACON

Truth Is ^r Than
partment: Homicide investig
cago are checking into th
death of a night watchman apparently
t a South Side
meatpacking plant. The dead

Stran;

Sausage De-
mors in Ch

mysterious

murdered by killer hogs

man,

Robert Robinson, was found mauled to
death in а pen containing 100 hogs.
His clothes were found hanging neatly
on a nearby fence. Was it ide?
Police aren't talking. While they con-
tinue то question swine at the scene,
reports from Hollywood indicate that
Steven Spielberg, director of Jaws, is con-
sidering bringing the incident to the
screen in a multimillion-dollar produc
tion titled Pork!

soo-te

WHATS UP?

Talk about your preteen sex! It seems
that even in the fetal stages, you just
can't keep a good man down. Thanks to
ultrasonic scanning and the folks who
bring us Perinatology-Neonatology ma
azine, the “Journal ol Maternal-Fetal and
Neonatal Health Care," we now know

that at six months the male fetus tests
his equipment every now and then in
After
all, why wait 10 or 15 years to find out
if it works?

THE LONE RAGER

If you're looking for a hero to em-
ulate, you'd better scratch Clinton Spils-
bury from your list immediately. Clinton,
the 25-year-old
Clayton Moore in the role of the Lone
Ка
picture version, is not exactly living by
the code of the old West, While on loca-
tion in Santa Fe, New Mexico, old Clint
slapped a waitress, broke glasses and

the form of intrauterine erections.

awı chosen to succeed

zer for the forthcom

ng epic motion-

n

wreaked assorted havoc in not one but
two local Local
considering taking back the traditional
question, substituting inste ay, who

was that asshole, anyway?”

taverns residents are

MOSLEM MUTTON CHOPS
Wham, bam, thank you, lamb.
new Iranian regime a
to purchase lamb from New Zealand, but
only after New Zealand officials were
able to demonstrate that the sheep face
Mecca while being slaughtered.

The
eed to continue

GROUCHO MARXISTS

The Bulgarian
bills itself as the humor capital of the
world. Since 1965, Gabrovo's most in-
fluential governmental organization has
been the House of Humor and Satir

town of Gabrovo

structure that sponsors biannual humor

festivals with world-wide compet
jokes,
graphs, sculpture and writing

ns

in cartoons, paintings, photo-

Nobody is quite sure how

it got so

involved with humor, but one legend
has it that it came about after Ga

buit a brewery. "The best

brovo

brains

29

PLAYBOY

30

worked on it and finally produced the
first glass of beer,” recounts one local
It was sent to Czechoslovakia
expert opinion, Weeks went by
and there was no response. Finally, a
letter came. It said, "Your horse has
diabetes,”

GOING IN STYLE

For those who would never be caught
dead in anything that’s not an original,
the designer casket provides the perfect
exit. But according to Gail Levenstein.
license director for Bill Blass. there's a Ну
in the formaldehyde. She told Women's
Wear Daily that although a casket manu-
facturer approached her with the id
neither the Blas organization nor апу
other top liners would allow their signa-
tures on th ed boxes. We sup
pose that the caskets wi
of such also-rans as de
and toenail clippers.

PUTTING HIS FOOT DOWN
shville police have captured the
s foot stomper of ‘Tennessee
ge Mitchell, 647, w iled after
police rec ts from. women
ing that a man wearing high-heeled
shoes had tred on their toes on purpose
ded straight
. who had first served time as
juvenile for doing ying leaps onto
отце was reportedl

ved compl

air. Police lı

people's tootsies. С
Li
E:

en a suspended s

rth Shoes and therapy with Dr. Scholl.

six years

HALF-BAKED ASTRONOMY
The next time you switch on
vave ov nember this:
well-done steak may cause some
omers theory to come olf h
Three British

that
Your
astron-
кей
tronomers have reported
Nature that microwave cooking may
threat to man’s quest for under-
Scientists: Brian

һе

nding the universe
Anderson. Robert Pritch
Rowson say that
world-wide mic
o the frequency bands used exclusively
by radio astronomers. This lea
eventually distort n obser

burned potato. Worse yet,

e the plight of
tempting to contact planet Earth
winding up with a threedimensional

image

of the Pillsbury Dow
е me to your kneader.

HEAVY PROTECTION
d of battling that potbelly? Take
If Larry Bell of Lowell, Massa-
us, is any indication of tends to
come, the he heres of the Eighties
may well be fatties. Larry, a notso-svelte
160-pounder, went bananas recently after
being picked up by cops for a drunk-

chuscuts, is

driving spree. He pulled a gun on the
arresting officer. In the ensuing shoot-out,
Lary was hit eight times by police
bullets before he even slowed down. He

“Women Speak About Their Breasts
and Their Lives” (Summit Books) is a
book by two photographers turned writ-
Dephme Ayaloh and her husband,
haoc J. Weinstock. И began as a picto

es,

vial documentary, but the women they
photographed had so much to say about
the trials and tribulations of h
that Ayalah
thought it worth while to record the wom-
en's comments while they were ріюіо-
has

breasts and

become
something of a women's cult book. We
asked Associate Editor Walter L. Lowe
to talk with them about their findings.

pLavnoy: How did you decide to include
38 women in your book? Are there 38

graphing them. “Breasts

kinds of expe men can have
with their breasts?
Avaran: I'm sure there are more, but

there's only so much you can get

hook. We tried to show the widest r

of experiences and we tried to choose the

autobiographical accounts of the most
i е women.

r wonder if, had
you done a book called, say, Buttocks, or
aybe Nose, you'd get a №
kinds of comments you got

of the same

it's too big," "I don't
they always star
nose in elevato ad so forth.
weixstock: Well, your question
wom
be reflected in the
part of their body
cnt. Breasts ave
body. All you do with your bel
on it.
ті.лүвоу: How
tion with breasts in this culture?
avaLan: We met women who would
rather die from cancer than have a mas-

like my buttocks,

n's va

t of the
id is sit

Lis the preoccupa-

tectomy. That's pretty bizarre, but it says
something about the aesthetic preoccupa-
tion with breasts in this country

PLAYBOY: What are some of the breast-
related traumas women experience?
he most frequently cited t
wed by a girl's father making
less comments wl
у. such as, "Hey. how's those tits?
"Look, she's getting knockers!” Or
maybe the 1 is 19 and her father
casually says, "Гоо bad you aren't as big
as your mother." A lot of fathers don't
realize the effects those seemingly
cent remarks have on thei
One lady in the book tells of her father
taking her on a trip when she was 15
nd scribbling her measurements on a
rock, like “Kilroy was here," only he
exaggerated her measurements as а joke.
She has never forgotten it, because for
her tlie incident was traumatic.
WEINSTOCK: One woman broke down and
cried as she recalled that as а young girl,
when her breasts were just budding, she
was playing football and got tackled and
some little boy slipped his hand under
her blouse and squeezed. She thinks that
experience caused her breasts to be sexu-
ally insensitive when she became an adult.
PLAYHOY: Wi age ol the wom-
en you interviewed were aroused by the
touching of their bı
avatar: About 50 percent. What sur-
prised us was that so many women—al-
t turned on at all by
But we don't consider our

asts

ple a scientific one
pravsov: Did you meet any women who
could o by having their

AYALAIE One we ces orgasm
that way. and wc iple of wom.
en who had or le breast-feeding,
PLAYBOY: PLAYBOY is mentioned numer

ous times throughout the book, and it's
always depicted as the evil force that pre
vents women from being happy with
ordinary breasts. Why are we the villains?

AYALA: 165 not just PLAYBOY: it’s the
whole titsell culture that first creates а
mystique about breasts, Шеп uses the

mystique to push products
WEINSTOCK: PLAYBOY isn't the worst
fender riavkoy was an
served a de

of-
it
sing us

novator

ite lunction i

-Avnoy: What is the worst offender?
avaran: Cosmopoliian, by Kar. W's a
thats far n
ave be c
In Cosmo. you still find the ads
ply that by doing certain exer-
can get stacked in 24
th, it features the
I or the shape-up for

woman

v could ever üstrued

wom

cises, a
hours. Every otl
new shape-up for fa
summer, and the
“Lady, you're really
you қопа do a lot of work before you're

т

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31

PLAYBOY

32

LITERARY PITCHMEN

Recent maga-
rine advertise-
ments for Rolex
watches have fca-
tured author
John Cheever,
looking pro-
foundly thought-
ful in a bow tie,
vest and jacket.
Bencath the
tasteful headline
“ROLEX FOR
THOSE WHO SET

reads these stir-

"De-
illuminates
John Cheever's
writing. Just as
detail inspires
every Rolex
craftsman. . .
New York free-lancer Andrew Feinberg
wondered what would happen if
Madison Avenue got its hands on
some other writers,
NORMAN MAILER—Pampers: "I don't just
create books. When you give the gift
of a child to a woman, you must
treat the little creature properly.
1 hat's why all my wives use Pampers.
SIDNEY SHELDON—Glad garbage bags: “If
theres one thing I know about,
it’s wash
HENRY KISSINGER—Eveready batteries:
“When you want a battery, you want
power. Good power, strong power,
consistent power, lasting power. Un
ending power. Trust Eveready: be
cause power isn't just an aphrodisiac.
PHILIP ROTH—The Beef liver Council:
"When you have a desperate craving
to satisfy, try liver.’
BOB WOODWARD—Budget recording tape:
"Budget gives you six hours of tape
for just 49 cents. It's а good, moder-
ately dependable tape, perfectly ac
ceptable when you're not going to
attribute the quotes anyway."
HUNTER 5. THOMPSON—Excedrin: "For a
legal drug, this one is really. terrific.
When I'm chased by huge, screeching,
jet-black bats and sick, bloated. mur-
derous district attorneys, 1 take Ex-
cedrin.
PAUL THEROUX—Amtrak:
ause it's all we've got.”
GAY TALESE—National Brotherhood Week:
“Be kind to your neighbor. And your
ighbor's wife.
JAMES BALDWIN—Air Fronce: "When you
finally get fed up with America, think
of u
JOHN LE CARRE—London Fog trench coats:
"The perfect tl r when you

“Amtrak: be

can't come in
from the cold.
Special styles [oi
the man who is
over the hill and
doesn’t care who
knows it
JULIA CHILD—
mol:
ter
chefs make mis-
takes. When шу
guess give ше
that queasy look
that says I've
screwed up, I
run for the
Pepto.”

HOWARD cOsELL—
Roget's Thesaurus:
“When you don't
know what the
hell you're talk-
ing about and need all the succor you
can get, гу Roget's.

JOAN pIDION—Volium: “The warm
Santa Ana wind blew from the desert.
I thought about America. 1 felt sick,

sick as the warm, oppressive wind
that suffocates our dreams. I took а
Valium, then I wrote two screenplays.
Valium: when the ill winds of a
nation blow you no good.”

ALEXANDER — SOLZHENITSYN—Mother’s
Borscht: "Because even cowardly West-
cin liberals have a right to eat well
RICHARD NIXON—Windex: "My mother
used Windex, bless her heart. Wi

dex: when you want to make things,
uh, perfectly clear.”
MICKEY SPILLANE— Rocco's "Look,

you've seen me sellin’ that light beer
on the tube. It's good stuff, but you
gotta drink a case of it to get even a
little buzz. Drink Rocco's when you
know where you want to go and can't
wait to get there.”

NEL SIMON—Rolaids: “Occasionally,
people come up to me and say, "Mr.
Simon, I laughed myself sick at your
play.” 1 always say, “Thanks, have a
Rolaids.’ Take it trom old Doc, reach
for Rolaids when your stomach needs
a snappy comeback
PAULINE KAEL—Jiffy Pop рорсот: "Jiffy
Pop can turn any home into a
rious movie theater. Those poppi
kernels cam effect а magical trans
formation; it's as if Marlon Brando's
majestic form had suddenly material-
ed in your living room. Like Brando,
y Pop is wonderful with butter.
3. 0. SALINGER—Sharkey barbed wi
“Pestered by adolescent groupies
snooping journalists? Try Sh.
in attractive elea

acceptable.” It’s a very antiwoman аці.
tude. ] don't think рглүвоү creates as
much of a sense of inferiori women
as women's magazines do.

PLAYBOY: In your book, women use a
number of terms for breasts. Which one
do most women scem to prefer?
WEINSTOCK: Probably boobs. Women
seem to be offended by the word tits.
Most feel that boobs has a little humor,
while there's something very serious go-
ing om when we say "Breasts." Women.
те already uptight about their breasts,
and in a conversation, boobs is nice and

Also, women experience the
words tits in ап unpleasant way, such as
walking down the street.

NSTOCX: As in “Jesus Christ, will you
look at them tits."
It’s also a cultural thing. A
n said she never heard the
word tits when she was growing up. The
term in her community was jugs.
PLaynoy: As you know, some men give
their penises names, such as Georgie or
Ralph. Are women's breasts ever per-
ized in that way?
Avaran: Yes, we did meet one wom
whose husband used to call her brea
Matt and Jeff. She thought it was funny.
When he was out of town, he would send
her postcards, asking, “How're Mutt a
Jeff?" When she wrote to him, she always
signed it with the two names and а draw-
Б of two bre
тілушоу: We noted that women fre-
quently complain that men don't know
how to weat breasts.
wrıxsTock: Well, yes. It seems that a lot
of men relate to breasts violently.
avaran: Yeah. How would men [ecl if
women really grabbed their balls and
twisted for all they were worth? A lot of

men do that with women’s br you
know.

PLaynoy: But some women like thei
breasts treated roughly sometimes.

avaran: Yes, but eve
it only at certain times,
WEINSTOCK: Communication is impor-
tant. A man shouldn't be afraid to ask
woman what she likes.

PLAYBOY: We've been advising that f
years, Is there any one thing a man
should know about touching breast
avaran: Yes—that a lot of women don't
ike to start there. Some women like to
save the caressing of their breasts for

.

The Donna Summer bumper sticker
of the month (sei Arizona):
TD RATH IAN Lis
тозсо,

those women like

last.

n in Tucson,

R EAT BARBED WIRE

.
А want ad found in the North Сіс
. Shopp Attract
an, 21 to 30 years old, must
be able to do light house cleaning and
n chores. Must have ow aor.
ad picture of tractor.

е

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MOVIE ESSAY

ny movie thal features Jane Fonda,
A Dolly Parton and Lily Tomlin is
bound to attract. plenty of attention.
That movie, "Nine to Five,” features the
three women as secretaries in a large,
impersonal office. It opens in December
and one of our regular contributors,
Lawrence Grobel (who conducted our
“Playboy Interviews” with Parton, Bar-
bra Streisand and Marlon Brando, as
well as this month's interview with
George C. Scoit), was on the set during
some of the filming. Here's his report:

The entrance to Stage Six of the 20th
Century-Fox studios is carefully guarded,
Only a few members of the press have
seen the elaborate $1,000,000-plus set for
Nine to Five, which has been constructed
inside this hangarlike Quonset hut. It's
an enormous modern office, with row
upon row of desks. dummy elevators,
ш; glass doors lettered with the com-
pany logo, a conference room and exec-
utive offices. Nine Sony remote dictation
systems are lined along one wall. On
each desk is a copy of Secretary's
Handbook and a Funk & Wagnall's dic-
tionary, pencils and erasers in. pencil
cups, letters on company stationery,
signed by the fictitious boss, resting in
desk trays. A bulletin board with phony
notes. Overall, a testament to what the
movies can he: a very real illusion. I
even try to use the fake water fountain,
make a call on a phone that isn't in-
stalled and use the men's room—which
isn't one.

At Dolly Parton's desk sits Dolly's

stand-in, talking to Jane Fonda's stand-
in. Behind them are Jane and Dolly,
also talking. The real and the double.
the women who shine and those who
and in their shadow.
Dolly is looking her vibrant, efferves-
cent, Little Annie Fanny self, dressed in
yellow pants and a yellow sweater that
will do for sweaters what Brando did
for T-shirts.

"I know absolutely nothing about the
movies,” Dolly, a bit stage struck, tells
me. "But if I'm real smart about it and
keep my mind open, ГИ probably learn
enough to be very professional in the
next one [The Best Little Whorehouse
th Burt Reynolds}.
movies is fun, like kids
playin’. real different, the way
movies are made. They do the first last
and the last first and the middle in the
front. I'm not an actress. I'm just playin’
Dolly Parton as a secretary, pretty much;
but I think the film will be cute. Where
it ain't necessarily great, Jane and Lily
and 1 can pull it off just being who we

When the camera will focus on Dolly
ping, the fingers and long red nails
won't be hers, I learn; although Dolly

Nine to Five's Tomlin, Parton and Fonda.

On the set with
Dolly, Jane and Lily;
who could ask for more?

once learned to type, she's nowhere near
scuctarial efficiency. E keep wondering
about the boobs: How will they close in
on the hands without also getting in the
nipple that practically touches the keys
as she sits over the machine?

If Dolly is short and cuddly, like a
Teddy bear, both Jane and Lily are tall
and stiff. They are wearing prim, proper
clothing, lace and frills, makeup and
lipstick. Jane and Lily are Victo
the kind of women Hitchcock described
perfectly when he spoke of English
schoolmarms who seem so cool and
indiferent on the outside; get them

used and they'll have you naked be-
fore you know what's happened to you.

The plot of Nine to Five concerns
three secretaries who wind up taking
over the office without anyone's knowing
it. Violet (Lily) is the veteran who keeps
being passed by for promotion. Doralee
(Dolly) is the sexpot object of the boss's
desire, victim of constant sexual harass
ment. Judy (Jane) is the newcomer, who
learns quickly what it’s like to be a fe-
male clerical worker in a man's world
This film practices what Karl Marx
preached: Clerical workers of the world,
unite: you've nothing to break but your
Is!

Circumstances bring them together
one afternoon to share a joint and fan-
tasize what cach would like to do to
their “sexist, egotistical, lying, hypo-
critical, bigoted" boss, Franklin Hart,
played by Dabney Coleman of Mary

Hartman, Mary Hartman fame. Judy
would like to shoot him, Doralee would
like to rope and tie him like a calf and
Violet would like to put rat poison in
his coffee.

In a series of comic, bizarre incidents,
these fantasies approach reality and the
women kidnap the boss. Keeping his
absence a secret, they take over. ordering
flowers for every desk, equal pay for
equal work, job rotation plans and flexi-
ble working hours.

.
Elsewhere on the set. Lily goes over to
her make-up girl. Ve, for a shot of pep-
permint oil. She lines her teeth with it.
Her face tightens. Like catnip. Ve also
lines her gums with the stuff and says,

It isn't coke, but it does wake you up.”

Ve is part of Lily's strange entourage.
Even the film's publicist says that Lily
has a strange group of people around
her. Ve has red-dyed punk hair, Day-
Glo red lips and heavily made-up lace;
dressed in black—pants, shirt, slim tie,
sports jacket, with a pistol pin and pink
boots—she is the first person you notice
on the set and she knows it. With Dolly
Parton to compete with, she has to stand
out to be seen.

This, in fact, is a set on which there
seems to be a lot of sexual interplay.
Here's a movie about sexual harassment,
d behind the camera, the crew mem-
bers flirt with one another. One white-
haired production assistant jokes with
the older ladies; if any respond, he walks
them out the door during breaks. Sex in
the office, sex on the set; definitely, art
itates life,

.
In the lobby of Stage Six, a group of
youngsters and mothers waits to audition.
Two of the kids will be selected to play
Lily Tomlin’s children. Lily comes out
to look at them all. She doesn't say any-
thing and appears uncomfortable. She
knows most of these people will be re
jected. She goes back to the set and the
second assistant director lines them up.
After a while, Lily sees one of the
rejected kids walking away and watches.
Someday we'll sec in а Lily Tomlin
routine the rejected actress losing another
casting call, as Anna the Actress or Rita
the Rejected or Sara the S
Jane tells me Karen Nussbaum із on
the set and I really should talk with h
since she's the one who impired J
make a movie about secre
started the first group called 9 to 5 in
Boston. She's now the director of Work-
ing Women, National Association of
Office Workers.
Nuss usly the one who
ill know the statistics, such as the fact
that sex ion accounts for near-
ly a third of the complaints filed with the

rrowful.

im is obvi

35

e and Stir

be
== The Style. When it comes to low-riding ‘specials, the new GS-750L
is extra-special.
Тр understand why, you have to look past the beautiful exterior. Beyond
the leading axle forks, pullback bars, teardrop tank, plush les
= saddle, chopped pipes and fat rear tire.
Oh, it’s a beauty alright. But the beauty is j
more than skin deep. To see
why, let's get right to the %
heart of the matter.
The Sting. Now we come tO ك‎ O
the part where other cruisers
leave off. Power. _ “iS
This machine uses a new- 5
era engine. Namely а 26
4-stroke DOHC 16-
valver with Twin 2
Swirl Combustion ~~
Chambers. It's a short-stroke,
big-bore configuration with
7 four valves set at narrow 40-
degree angles over each
|" cylinder. This makes for compact
combustion chambers where fuel
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efficient.
Result: Super high performance
(especially in mid-range). And
exceptional fuel economy.
Other extra-special features
abound on this bike. Triple
slotted disc brakes. Electronic
ignition. Halogen headlight.
Electric fuel gauge. And self-
cancelling turn signals to
name a few.
Suzuki also backs this
stylish stinger with a 12-
Month unlimited mileage
warranty*
So you can be sure
you'll never be stung.

ег.

фон» motorcycle ӛту Foundation, Rida safely. Always wear a helmet, eye protection and appropriate riding apparel.

Equal Employment Opportunity Com-
mission, And that these worki
carn 59 cents for every dollar that a

v many of those hard-carned dol
lars will these women spend to watch
Jane Fonda, Lily Tomlin and Dolly
ake light of the plight of cleri
What docs Karen Nussbaum

"s being filmed ha

р е Stage
covers all the issues, but it's got а very
limited focus and purpose. The best
thing that this movie can do is be a
good, popular movi

.

“It wasn't a comedy in the beginning,"
Jane Fonda is saying, the picture finally
complete. She wears dark sunglasses, so

movie secretaries would go see. Who
wants to leave work and go see a movie
about your work? The more rcaHife sto-

s I heard, it became clear to me that

ad to he a comedy.

‘Some of the stories were horrendous
One woman wasn't allowed to have
phone, so she got a toy phone
tended to use it. The women working at
one bank in Cleveland are being paid so
lite they are eligible for food stamps.
Women were followed by supervisors
when they went to the bathroom or went
shopping. Followcd and clocked. It was
like Big Brother time.”

For those who value beauty, | икта
this is an ideal cut diamond. 9959

s genius. What makes hei
she's got 50 ways to do any-

Our American Ideal Cut diamond, whatever its size or shape, is a g and she wants to try them all. She'll

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олар he ounan pis пето, brilliant and therefore the most nd hone it; the commitment is total
برا پیا چا‎ A I fake it. I've done scenes I have по idea

Brilliance is the key to beauty in diamonds and our Ideal Cut what they were about. Lily doesn't do

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of the diamond's natural brilliance, fire and luster. The 58 facets of our
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ouncing it back through the top of the stone in a brilliant blaze. When Gell айй НЫ toe Wes had.
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stone and the gem appears watery or black when compared to an Ideal even though she’s the least experienced,
Cut diamond. She has a very powerful aura or charisma.

it you value Есе Eye What she does so well is make all the
acq ees Безди al American eal CU Gi қ other people on the set feel as good as

е 5 + E they cam about themselves. She makes
See them at the fine jeweler who displays this emblem: people blossom."

nd what about Dolly
"Dolly's got extremely good and
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.
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JON WHISKEY. 80 PROOF DISTILLED AND BOTTLED BY JAMES B. BEAM DISTILLING CO., CLERMONT, BEAM, KY.

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MUSIC

ESS FROM ELVIS: The fans of Elvis
Presley tend to be so emotional that
they elicit a similar intensity from his de-
Among musicians. for instance.
ins fashionable to cite Elvis as an
example of someone without much talent
who made it big thanks to the machina-
tions of the “system.” Which is unfair
to Elvis. Questions of musical talent and
taste are actually irrelevant in his case,
as they are in the case of Judy Garland,

Fact is. though. the boy had some real
talent—and, when he started out, some
innate good taste (after all, he was sing-
ing blues). He also had a poignant sense
of his own limitations, and an ironic,
self-deprecating sense of humor that
helped him live with himself after
Colonel Parker and RCA turned him
into a guitar-brandishing Godzilla. That
wistfulness is what one is finally left with
after listening to the eight LPs of Elvis
Aron Presley (RCA), a flawed but fascinat-
ing set, containing much material not
previously available on LP, that will no
doubt be studied closely by future biogra-
phers. One hears the 1956 Elvis apologiz-
ing for his singing (and unnecessarily so)
to a strangely silent Las Vegas audience;
the 1961 Elvis, just out of the Army and at
the peak of his powers, laughing at the
bobby-soxers who keep drowning him
out (and, unfortunately, jogging the
tape); and the 1965 Elvis. trying to re-
cord a movie theme that forces him into
selLparody but cracking up in loud
laughter and protesting, “I sound like a
wino!" (the LP devoted to music from
the films has quite a few aural snapshots
of Elvis kibitzing delightfully with pro-

Questio

BONNIE RAITT: 1. Lit-
Че Feat. 2. The Fabu-
lous Thunderbirds /
The Fabulous Thunder-
birds and What's the f
Word. 3. Jackson
Browne / Hold Out. 4.
Ray Charles / Ain't It
So? 5. Taj Mahal / Taj
Mahal and Giant Step |
De Ole Folks at Home.

FREDDIE MERCURY:
1. Michael Jackson | Off
the Wall. 2. The Police /
Reggatta de Blanc. 8
Roberta Flack & Donny
Hathaway. 4. Roxy Mu-
ic | Flesh and Blood.
ГА

5. Peter Straker
Natural Man.

: What have you been listening to lately?

MICK JONES—FOR-
EIGNER: 1. The Va-
pors / Turning
Japanese. 2. Roxy Mu-
sic | Flesh and Blood.
3. Martha and the Muf-
fins / Metro Music. 4.
Squeeze | Argy Bargy.
5. Pete Townshend /
Empty Glass.

MELISSA MANCHES-
TER: 1. Marvin Gaye /
1 Want You. 2. The
Doobie Brothers / Min-
ute by Minute. З. Artur
Rubinstein / Chopin
Waltzes. 4. Leonard
Bernstein / Candide. 5.
Steely Dan / Aja.

т

ducers and musicians: “Hold the tempo
back, you don't get paid any more"). Be
forewarned, however, that the compila-
tion is not only skimpy on music but
skimpy, period. An entire side is taken
up by a dull 13-minute monolog (evi
dently a canned radio interview with the
not-too-probing questions deleted), while
another side is devoted entirely to four
lachrymose selections—total time: 12
minutes, one sccond—on which Elvis
plays piano. And much of the anthol-
ogy's musical meat, culled from the stage
and TV extravaganzas of the star's de-
clining years, only proves the truth of
Chuck Berry's line: “Fame is but a slow
decay."

б
FUSION FIDDLER: One look at the
cover of Fantasy Without Limits (Trend) and
you know L. Subramaniam can play. In-
deed, he can. A former child prodigy
in the field of Indian classical music, he
has some violin techniques not heard
previously in jazz—or anywhere else, for
that matter, since they are his own inno-
vations, His long, involuted lines are
conceived with such clarity, felt with
such sustained intensity and delivered
with such firmness that critics have al-

ready compared him to John Coltrane,
though his 2” output has been lim-
ited to appearances on a few albums by
other people. On this LP, he achieves
his goal of creating "a more personal
type of fusion" than thc common garden
varicty as he takes off on five of his own
compositions, getting into high gear i
mediately on the Latin-flavored title
tune and staying there through the poly-
rhythmic (and delightfully pentatonic)
Mani Talks, the bumpily swinging 534
and the powerfully concentrated Frenzy,
until he has fully dazzled anyone lucky
enough to be within carshot. А multi-
national gang of accomplices, including
vibist Emil Richards and keyboardist
Milcho Leviev, both of whom have
worked extensively with odd time signa
tures in the past, give Subramaniam

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PLAYBOY

46

Cologne, aftershave and grooming essentials

CHANEL

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excellent support on a session they'll
certainly never forget.

REVIEWS

Once you get past the title tune of
The Crusaders’ Rhopsody опа Blues (MCA).
an awkward marriage of funk/jazz with
light classical music, you are strictly in
the land of funk, and in the hands of the
guys who invented it. Or rather, the guys
who have perpetuated it, as they remind
us on Soul Shadows, an unforgettable
tribute to the unforgettable jazzmen of
the past, with a searing vocal by guest
artist Bill Withers

.

During his 25-year stint with the
Modern Jazz Quartet, pianist John Lew
was often accused of injecting an arid
classicism into the group's music. Any
such critics—and all lovers of
piano—should instantly check out Lewis’
duet with veteran pianist Hank Jones on
An Evening with Two Grand Pianos (Little
David) as a corrective. Therein, the two
grand masters work their wiles on jazz
standards such as Stomping at the Savoy,
Saint Louis Blues and Billie's Bounce,
with a subtlety and interplay that is
breathtaking and, yes, classic

.

Miles Davis’ style—personal and musi
cal—has probably inspired more embar-
rassingly hip prose than that of any
other jazz musician. And with good т
son: How do you explain a man who has

been in the vanguard of contemporary
music for more than three decades, espe
ally one like Miles, who prefers—
sists—that the music speak for itsell?

You don't. You listen—in this case, to
Miles Dovis: Chronicle (Prestige), а 12-LP,
limited-edition set, priced at a rather
daunting 5195, that is essential for
ng all
the recordings Miles did for Prestige
1951 and 19
virtually defines the music that has
postbop. The
groups form and reform, featuring jazz
giants such as John Lewis, Kenny Clarke,
Charles Mingus, Sonny Rollins, Мах
Roach and Thelonious Monk; but the
ih his
offhand, conversational style, harmonic
inventiveness and unerring rhythmic
sense. All leading up to what now seems
the inevitable climax: the classic 1956

any serious jazz lover. Contain

6. this collection

come to be known a

one constant is Miles himself, w

quintet recordings with John Coltrane,
Philly Joe Jones, Red Garland and Paul
Chambers. A must.

.

Silence is half of music, yet most
musicians don't really listen to the spaces
between their notes. Kenny Burrell docs,
and on Moon and Sand (Concord Jazz), the
veteran. guitarist does everything he can
to combat noise pollution as he con-
centrates on the acoustic instrument,
using a minimum of notes to get maxi-

mum [celing out of such lovely standards

“Му new 6-hour Panasonic
home video recorder speeds up a
slow ball,slows down a fast ball, stops
the ball,and even finds the ball.”

“You'll have a ball watching me or
anything else on TV with this new
Panasonic 6-hour VHS™ home video while you're on the road.
recorder (PV-1750). Panasonic calls it “And now when you buy any Omnivision VHS recorder,
Omnivision® with Omnifex and Omnisearch. Panasonic will give you a $30.00 gift certificate* toward the
“Omnifex lets you see the action in slow motion. high purchase of a great pre-recorded movie from Columbia
speed, freeze frame or one frame at a time. Pictures. Like ‘Close Encounters of the Third Kind-The
"Omnisearch makes it easy to find the scene you'relook- Special Edition,’ ‘The China Syndrome, and ‘Chapter Two.’
ing for. Because it plays the picture in fast forward or reverse “Panasonic may call it
And both Omnifex and Omnisearch work by remote contro. | Omnivision. But it has so
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much on the ball, | call
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. Panasonic.
just slightly ahead of our time.
ee ecc M. E CE Lern

PLAYBOY

48

as Oliver Nelson's Stolen Moments, Billy
Suayhorn’s U.M.M.G., a pair of Kurt
Weill tunes and the Alec Wilder tide
opus.

.

We've heard T-Bone Burnett's music
described as "accessible country/pop/
rocka-billy/folk" or as "not really
Dylan and not really Tom Рецу. .. .”
What it is is simply T-Bone Burnett, and
his latest album, Truth Decay (Takoma),
offers a bit of all of the above and a
whole lot more. Grammed full of stories,
images and driving music, Truth Decay
is one of those rare records you'll want
to listen to, over and over again

.

How can John Prine keep writing
songs better than just about any other
living human? The answer can't be found
on his seventh LP, Storm Windows (Asy-
Jum), but eight new Princ-penned gems
can. After detouring into rock-a-billy with
last year's Pink Cadillac, Prine bounces
back. Those of you who loved 1978's
Bruised Orange will be glad to know that
Prine has returned to his top folk/coun-
try [rock form. And when he's there, he is
without peer. Windows contains a pair of
already-classic songs (1 Had a Dream and
Living in the Future) that he's been do-
ing live for the past two years. The album
is spotlesly produced by Barry Beckett
and executed. with energy and style by
Prine’s touring band. Aside from being
one of the best records we've heard in
months, it's a two-sided testament to the
enduring talent of a great songwriter.

SHORT CUTS

C. L Blast / 1 Wonna Get Down (Cotillion):
Lushly produced soul in the Lou Rawls
vein, Írom a singer whose idea of getting
down probably begins and ends with
loosening his tie.

Devodip Carles Santana / The Swing of De-
light (Columbia): High-level fusion by an
excellent band, digitally recorded; but
when it comes to cultists, Rastalarians
still make better music.

Hubert Laws and Earl Klugh / How to Beat
the High Cost of Living (Columbia): Making
movie sound-track albums is as good a
way as any.

Mike Oldfield / Airbom (Virgin): More
tintinnabulation from the Tubular Bells
fellow.

Little Anthony / Daylight (MCA Songbird):
He never reilly grew up, but he always
could and still can.

Hank Thompson / Take Me Back to Tulsa
(MCA): Don't mean a thang if it ain't
got that twang

Panama Francis and the Savoy Sultans (CI
sic Jazz): Music Irom the days when
everything was real, played and recorded
with lots of love.

Milt Buckner / Green Onions (Classic Jazz):
A joyous sct of blucs and standards by
which to remember the late organist.

The Tremblers / Twice Nighily (Johnston
New Wave Herman minus his Hermit

BROAOWAY BABIES: Rock stars are proving to be naturals at hitting the boards of
the Great White Way. David Bowie is settling in as The Elephant Man and Linda
Ronstadt has committed herself to a six-month run in The Pirates of Penzance.
We're waiting for Mick to revive Mack the Knife. It's only a matter of time.

EELING AND ROCKING: The Tubes’ Fee

Weybill and Vinee Welnick have
roles in Lev Adler's new movie, All
Washed Up. The group will also
write some of the songs for the sound
track. After Xanadu, there's no place
to go but up. . . . No matter how
ticket sales go, the soundtrack album
from Urban Cowboy has been certi-
fied gold and platinum—copies sold
have already passed the 1,500,000
mark,

NEWSEREAKS: The Eegles’ double live
album, which will include an acoustic
set, should be in your record store
any minute. . . . A 60-minute TV
special—initially for pay-TV out-
lets—ealled No One Here Gets Out
Alive: Jim Morrison, the Man and
Ihe Book. is being put together. The
film includes interviews with the
remaining Doors and rare pcrlorm-
ance footage. . . . The Killer, Jerry
lee Lewis, is the 1980 recipient of the
Memphis State University Dis
guished Achievement Award for “ar-
ustic contributions to the music of
Memphis and the mid-South.” His re-
cently released album, Killer Country.
is rightly named. . . . Although CBS
execs deny it, Dylan reportedly asked
them to retrieve all copies of Saved be-
cause he didn’t like the way the rec-
ord sounded on the radio. It would
at sales strategy and make the
ly pressed copies instant col-
lector's items, but it’s virtually impos-
sible to do. . A Nashville firm has
begun marketing a new board game,
similar in layout to Monopoly, based
on the music business. The game is
designed to illustrate the interplay
of various elements of the business—
artists, management, publishing, tour-
ing and record production. The game
uses the names of real personalities

and the developers hope to involve
record labels in promotional tie-ins.
It will sell for about $32. Poul
McCartney is helping out on Ringo's
new album. George is recording in
England and John and Yeke have put
down their milk buckets and headed
ck to the studio. All is well in
Beatleland. The Allmen Broth
Bend has reached an out-of-court set-
tlement with Capricorn records, re
corded a new album on Arista and
it looks as if a lot of its old stuff
will be reissued by Polygram, which
bought the rights from the defunct
Capricorn The Stenes have so
many songs left over from their Emo-
tional Rescue sessions that they may
release another album as carly as
February The Specials got bumped
from a BBC program that had al-
ready been videotaped. The reason?
One of the band members dressed in
drag and it was just а wee bit too
much for the censors,

RANDOM RUMORS: We hear that Heet-
wood Mac may be breaking up, in
spite of denials from Warner's, the
group's record label. All is not lost,
however: Mac is planning a live
album from last summer's Hollywood
Bowl app and both Stevie
Nicks and Lindsey Buckinghom are work-
ing on solo albums. . . . Our favorite
story this month comes [rom а Melissa
Manchester concert at Brigham Young
University in Salt Lake City. Man.
chester’s contract with the university
contained a clause requiring her and
all other female artists performing on
campus to wear a bra onstage. Man-
chester commented during the con-
cert: “Frankly, I would be interested
to mect the young man who is going
to check.” That's all folks.

BARBARA NELLIS

ances

Only these two pigeons
could dress up as woodpeckers...

and get framed
for robbing
a bank...
and when
these two
7 cuckoos
f ` discover
that
prison
W lifeisfor 2
the birds 4%
they try

STIR
CRAZY

COLUMBIA PICTURES Presents A HANNAH WEINSTEIN PRODUCTION

GENE WILDER RICHARD PRYOR in"STIR CRAZY"
Executive Producer MELVILLE TUCKER. Produced by HANNAH WEINSTEIN
Written by BRUCE JAY FRIEDMAN Directed by SIDNEY POITIER "m

Coming This Christmas

50

T: ladies are having their day in re-
cent movies, and no female doing her
thing can do it much better than G
Rowlands in Gloria (Columbia). As writer-
producer-director of his own films, John
Cassavetes has given his talented wife
some grand parts, and Gena has played
than for keeps. She's in top form as a
Mobster's moll named Gloria Swenson, a
big blonde tart with a heart of gold who
never cared much for kids but tries her
damnedest to save the seven old son
of two friends (Buck Henry, Julie Car-
men) who have been rubbed out by
Mafia hit men and is himself marked for
extinction. Through trashy hotels and
streets and subways, Gloria tracks a well-
worn lady on the lam in an aunospheric
urban fable with a real sense of urgency,
plus more sheer excitement per running
foot than any Cassavetes movie to da
While Gena triumphs over the God-
father types on her trail, Cassavetes
faults as а writer-director begin to catch
up with him rather quickly. Young Juan
Adames, the moppet he discovered for
tiractive but self-conscious
Ile of the charm or spor
taneity demonstrated by Justin. Henry
in Kramer vs. Kramer. Worse, the dialog
Cassavetes has devised for Juan, a sup-
posedly street-wise New York kid. would
sound more convincing delivered by a
middle-aged screenwriter lounging be-
side his pool in Bel Air. ¥¥
б

Since her phenomenal film debut in
The Rose, Bete Midler has had me
hooked. Bette Midler Is Divine Madness
(Warner Bros./Ladd), filmed at the
Pasadena Civic Auditorium. by director
Michael Ritchie, boosts Miss M to super
st; us beyond the shadow of a doubt.
Ritchie warms up her audience with
hilarious prolog in which a straight-faced
majordomo briefs his ма of ushers o
how to cope with crowd control and epi-
leptic seizures. Enter the lady, who gives
everything, she's got, and she's got just
about everything—less às a singer, per-
haps, than as a superb actress and stand-
up comedienne. Cheeky and vulgar, she
explains that her three backup singers.
The Harlettes, function as a kind of
Greek chorus: “These girls don't know
shit about Euripides, but they know plen-
ty about Trojans." Then she takes it lrom.
there, in à rowdy one-woman show that
establishes Midler as an aggressive, self-
mocking sex symbol for the Eighties, a
Goss between Sophie Tucker and Mae
West, set to the jagged rhythms. (when
the mood strikes her) of punk rock.
"Fuck "em if they can't take a joke" is
her loudly proclaimed motto, and she
sticks to it, laying waste to any subject
»m the queen of England and Princess
Anne to Princess Caroline of Monaco or

Gloria, is ап

Liberated ladies
Score onscreen;
so do the Brazilians.

José Wilker, Zaira Zambelli in Brazil.

2 Las Vegas lounge singer. Or all of

Germany, or F

nce. Like Richard Pryor

in concert, Midler uncensored is too hot
for the home screen. She's also on her
way to becoming not just an act, but an
artist. This canned tour de force may
start out like a meeting of the Bette
Midler fan club, yet it's cinemagic, sure
to create converts by the score. YYY
.

Any question about the impact of
women’s lib on contemporary films is
answered again in Loving Couples (Fox).
sassy, artificial comedy written by
tin Donovan and directed by Jack
Smight goes where Bob & Carol & Ted
& Alice didn't quite dare to go back in
1969. Walter and Evelyn and Gregg and
Stephanie fool around with. feeling, no
foolin’. James Coburn and Shirley М

. change their luck with Stephen
Collins and Susan Sarandon, а younger
unmarried couple whose live-in r
ship needs work. The stage of furtive
ering ends with the movie's
rpest scene, when the good doctors
and their new-found partners meet ur
derwater, head on, in the swimming
pool at a posh weekend hideaway. Soon
after, Coburn moves in with Sarandon,
s moves in with MacLaine—and,
. it’s only a matter of time until
yone rcgroups. feeling renewed and
refreshed, Meanwhile, Sally Kellerman
appears, playing a mad, horny |
1 to a gay proctologist. Kell
recklessly funny, as usual;
Loving Couples, in fact, it’s the wor
who set the tone. call the shots and steal
the show. Nothing wrong with Coburn,
though I didn't believe for a second that
he'd know a gall bladder from a есі
loafer. Collins, dimpled and handsome
as young William Holden used to be. is
a very good actor. though someone
should tell him that there's no need to
play cute when you are cute

Couples really perks when Sarandon's
oncamer a plucky TV weather girl
who's not only wise to the ways of men
and maids but can set off on an illicit
weekend with such pronouncements as
“Overnight fog burning off by midday
Given the obviousness of the script, how:
ev substantial handicap—it's Mac-
Laine who takes over to score all the
main points about. middle-age craziness
She's witty, warm, womanly, sexy, and
never lets you forget that playing doctor
can be sensational for grownups. ҰҰҰ

.

about premium-quality
movies from Brazil: They've got rhythm.
The same company that brought forth
Dona Flor and Her Two Husbands has
produced another exotic, earthy comedy
with music, Bye Bye Brazil (Unililm). A
word-ofmouth hit at this year's Cannes
festival, then snapped up for New York's

Col
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Lake Geneva, Wisconsin 53447
54

fall film bash, Bye Bye Brazil follows the
picaresque adventures of a troupe of
entertainers—five, counting the accor
dionist’s pregnant mate on cymbals—
traveling by truck through Brazilian
countryside. What befalls them, of
course, is television. Everywhere they
go, TV antennas on the housetops are
а signal that they might as well move
on to a more backward tropical out
post, where they hope to win audiences
through such old-fashioned razzmatazz
as making snow fall on the amazed
peasantry huddled under a flimsy tent

Writer-director Carlos Diegues creates
а rueful, enchanting fable from the con
flict between the old world апа the
new as the troupe traverses Brazil in an
odyssey that's part absorbing travelog
part intriguing portrait of colorful
showfolk. This movie fairly hums with
vitality, a rare eat if you're tired of
trendy home-grown turkeys. ¥¥¥

.

Movies made down under are coming
up fast, and two newish Australian re
leases look like the pacesetters for 1980.
А top contender at this year's Cannes
Film Festival, Breaker Morant (New World
Quartet) went home with a well-earned
Best Supporting Actor award for Jack
Thompson as Major Thomas, the earnest
defense counsel in a celebrated case of
ary injustice. Nations where cinema.
atively young tend to fix on
their own history for subject matter. and.
writer-director Bruce Beresford's power
house drama tells how three valiant
Aussie lieutenants, "Breaker" Morant
and fellow officers Handcock and Witton
(played, respectively and superbly, by
Edward Woodward, Bryan Brown and
Lewis Fitz-Gerald), were tried for murder
by the British while serving England as
volunte nst the Boers іп South
A Photographed with Spartan sim-
plicity and played in the same chin-up
style, Breaker Morant is timeless, bril-
liant, hard as army brass on the outside,
deeply human at the core. УУУ

.

Another history lesson combines with
an even heavier dose of outright violence
in The Chem! of Jimmie Blacksmith (New
Yorker Films). Australian writer-director
Fred Schepisi's turn-o[the-century shock
er charts the bloody rise and. fall of a
hallcaste aboriginal outlaw (played by
Tommy Lewis) whose first dire deed is
the sá murder of four white women
on а ranch where he's been mistreated

Гуе declared war, that’s what I've
done,” announces Jimmie, who is mar
ried to a white woman (Angela Punch)
and was educated by a white minister
(versatile Jack Thompson again). Sche
pisi manages to make Blacksmith’s an
h defensible, even when we have seen
deliberately shoot a young mother
айм

hi
and her baby to vent his

another haughty white bastard. yy
REVIEWS BY BRUCE WILLIAMSON

MOVIE SCORE CARD

capsule close-ups of current films
by bruce williamson

Bad Timing о Sexuol Obsession Art С.
funkel crazed by lust lor Theresa
Russell. yy

Вене Midler Is Divine Madness (Re-
viewed this month) The Rose dor
real, in concert—incredible. YYY

Brecker Morant (Reviewed this month)
High drama from down under. ¥¥¥

Bye Bye Brezil (Reviewed this month)
There's no business like show busi-
ness, South American style. УУУ

The Chant of Jimmie Blacksmith (Re
viewed this month) A grim but grip
ping slice of Australian history. ¥¥

Close Encounters of the TI Kind—The
Special Edition Revised, refined and
dynamic. УУУУ

Dressed to Kill Michael Caine, Angie
Dickinson and Nancy Allen in Brian
De Palma's predictable but exciting
homage to Hitchcock's Psycho. ¥¥

The Elephant Mon A freak's tragic true
story, produced by Mel Brooks in
all ‘seriousness but told beter on
Broadway. Ұ

Fame High school for future hams
in the performing arts. Applause. ¥¥¥

Gloria (Reviewed this month) Girl
(Gena Rowlands) against Mob. yy

The Great Santini A vibrant sleeper.
starring Robert Duvall as a fighting
Marine pilot in peacetime. ¥¥¥

Hopscotch The CIA scotched, all in
fun, by Walter Matthau and Glenda
Jackson. Frivolous but frisky. ЖУУ

Loving Couples (Reviewed this month)
Mixed doubles playing doctor. ¥¥¥

The Mon with Bogor
look-alike (Robert Sacchi) spools the
Bogey mystique. Not bad. УУ

ad

iddle Age Crory Pushing 40 in
und Houston, with Ann-Ma

e
d Bruce Dern in top form. УУУ
Oh! Heavenly Dog Take a pooper
scooper. ¥
Practice Makes Perfect French and
zesty, with beautiful. femmes galore
Rochefort. ¥¥
Resurrection Ax a faith healer of no
particular faith. Ellen. Burstyn gives
off some fine dramatic sparks: so does
actor-playwright Sam Shepard. УУУ
The Return of the Secaucus Seven A cast

vis-a-vis ]

of unknowns in an exceptional first
film by director John Sayles. УУУ

Smokey and the Bandit П Pretty bad
but money in Ше bank for Burt
R Co. Y

The Stunt Men A mad. mad world of
moviemaking, with Peter O'Toole as
the obsessed director. Grand. ¥¥¥

Union City Punk junk for Deborah |
Harry. ¥

Xanadu Four hit singles but no
show, starring Olivia Newton-John. ¥

YYYY Don't miss YY Worth a look
УУУ Good show ¥ Forget it

“Experts say Paul Masson Cabernet Sauvignon
is a mature, complex wine, with nice wood.
What they're trying to say is...it tastes good”

к» f
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PLAYBOY

56

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ompleting the
Ст
The Shakespeare
Plays—all 37 of
them slated for
presentation in duc
time by BBC-TV
and Time-Life
Hamlet, Prince of Den-
mark stars England's
Derck Jacobi in his
definitive interpre-
tation (earlier Ja-
cobi triumphs
include 7, Claudius
nd Richard 4I on
ТУ). Nearly four
hours long, as un-

Hamlet's Jacobi and Bloom.

better than ade-

quate in a hand-
some, headstrong
Hamlet that should
move you to tears
you can shed with-
embarrass-
still
relish more juicy
scandals and soap-
operatic subplots
than are packed in-
to any ten episodes
of Search for To-

morrow,

out
ment—and

.
The colloquial
warmth and sim-

cut as any Hamlet
we're likely to sce

plicity of Mark
‘Twain are perfectly

in our time, the Jacobi is superlative preserved in Life on
production airing as Hamlet: Mark Twain the Mississippi, the
over most PBS out- à initial two-hour of-

lets November
tenth has passion,
clarity and piercing
intelligence. Stu-
dents of Shake- ,
speare, or viewers
who have previ-
ously resisted the
Bard's verbal four-

ishes, may discover
here why Hamlet
has survived for

four centuries.

Although the
play's the thing,
Jacobi's perform-
ance—hailed in
London's West
End, its success
repeated on a
lengthy, unprece-
dented tour of Red
China—is a wonder
to behold. His emotions are transparent
when the camera's on him, and. photo-
graphed thought makes this a Hamlet
whosc inner turmoil can be understood
from first to last. Psychologically, he's
a hot rather than a cool Hamlet. a mod
ern, moody young nobleman who might
well have had several years of analysis
before returning home to contemplate
the queen mum's incestuous shects. In

fact, Jacobi’s monologs are occasionally
so direct and personal that it would
be easy to imagine him vayward

young crown prince confiding his trou.
bles to Walter Cronkite or Mike W.
in an exclusive prime-time interview.
On bleak sound stages where minimal
scenery gives way t0 maximal talen
Jacobi gets his strongest support fros
Claire Bloom as a subtly sensuous Queen
Geruude, Eric Porter as a magnificently
crotchety Polonius. All the rest are far

comes to life
on the Mississippi.

Winding along Mississippi.

Twain

fering in a
series to begin on
PBS November 24
with novelist Kurt
Vonnegut, Jr., a
doset "Twain schol-
ar, as host. The
main thing to say
about Life on the
Mississippi is that
this TV adaptation
is leisurely, low:
and splendid. w
excellent cinema-
tography by Walter
Lasally (who did
so much lor Tom
Jones). The making
З о. коор
back in the 1880s
is the meat of it,
with David Knell as
Sam, the eager ap-
prentice, Robert Lansing as gruff old
pilot Horace Bixby, who teaches him
the river. “Do you drink? Do you gam-
ble?" demands the grizzled veteran. To
which the lad gamely responds, "No,

sir... 1 could learn.

Mississippi's rich haul of river lore in-
cludes the information that having a gray
mare aboard was considered a hoodoo,
while a preacher was а jinx or a Jonah
likely to wind up swimming ashore. Does
anyone not yet know that Samuel Lang-
horne Clemens took his pen name, Mark
Twain, from the term shouted by river
ring two-dfathom depths?
Knell, Lansing and brethren go with the
flow, performing their stints flawlessly,
though this made-in-America еріс is
mainly ensemble work. It is a Twain trib-
ше in the lump-in-the-throat American
tradition, like visits to the Statue of Lib-
erty and the Lincoln Memorial вле.

crewmen me

= No matter what you ао,
ou. always make your point.

58

ide Efects (Random House) is a col-
Jection of short humor pieces by
Woody Allen, famous film maker and

wiseacre. The pieces originally appeared
in The New Yorker, The New Republic
and The Kenyon Review—and they show
it. There are the typical time-space-reality
jokes: "Man was a creature doomed to
exist in ‘time,’ even though that was not
where the action " Or. “Cloquet
hated reality but realized ît was still the
only place to get a good st P
"According t0 modern
space is finite. This is a very comforting
thought—particularly for people who
can never remember where they have left
things." That of haute routine
knock п dead at the New School,
we feel d gods missing. At
а usually get

пег in
Great Expectations (Coward, 1 &
Geoghegan). Subtitled “America and the
it may be
history book, but the people in it are
very much alive. In fact, if you were born
between 1945 and 1964, you one of
the principals. You're part of the largest,
most powerful segment of our popula-
tion, what demographers have called the
pig in the python." moving through
the years en masse. This is the history of
your life from Dr. Spock to Davy Crock-
ett, from Sputnik to the Beatles. from
Ding Dong School to the incredible
Trivia freaks, nostalgia junkies.
chauvinist baby-boc this is your
finest hour. Finally, somebody has recog-
nized who's really running the show.
.

ners,

Admiral |
threatened to resign as president of The
Citadel—the Charleston, South С
military college—unless the plebe system
was drastically altered. Last August, he
did resign. A former POW, Admir
Stockdale compared the techniques used
to haze freshmen at The Citadel to those
«d on him by his jailers in North

sounds extreme only until one
reads Conroy's book. A Citadel graduate,
Conroy writes about a fictional Carolina
Military Institute in Charleston wh
freshmen acked" by upperdassmen
using techniques ranging from ext
pushups to electrodes on the penis,
worse. Conroy's institute suggests Attics
more than Amherst. Yet he is honest
enough to portray the seducti
such a communal test of will
bizarre and glorious alchemy that made

е

ad

Side Eflects: Stick to the movies.

Disappointing fare from
Woody Allen, but winners
from Jones and Conroy.

us love the insi
we had ever loved before.”

s in his fine previous novel. The
Great Santini, Conroy combines superb
(if sometimes wordy) prose with relent-
less honesty. The first half of The Lords
of Discipline is sustained by writing
sight: the second half, by suspense
excitement. "The whole makes for gri
ping. gruel

ite more than anything

Pl Caputo's 4 Rumor of War, the
memoir of his years in Vietnam first as
a Mari d then as
porter—was some of the best nonfiction
to come out of that sorry conflict. Now.
in Hora of Africo (Holt, Rinehart and
Winston), Caputo has attempted a fi
tional treatment of another war. the
Eritrean rebellion in Ethiopia. Unfor-
tunately, in spite of some firstrate de
scriptive passages ol
detail. Caputo se ке
most journalists de not make grace
ful leaps into fiction. Horn of Africa is

licute

re

and a stery

ms to fulfill the a

very sincere but self. conscious. novel
with an author's note at the be
to explain the purposes of thi
and the intruding presence of the author
on every page. The novel is in desperate
need of cutting and editing and its cha

are totally predictable. All of this
, because Caputo is a writer of

mur

y- Maybe one day he will
1 he kept while in

give us the joi
Ethiopia.

.
Too lazy to scrounge through maga
zines for an Ellison short stories?
Then try his new collection. Shatterday
(Houghton Mifflin) for 16 of the best
science fiction and horror.
.
"s new novel, Good News
1 the

Edward Abbe;
(Dutton), takes place
economics of the inc
collapsed, In Americ dictators
pick at the scabs of a fractured society.
One of them, the Chief, has the city
of Pho rized and in a sort of
akeshift fascistic order. There are, of
course, pockets of resistance. In one, we
find Sam Banyaca, Indian who holds
a Harvard Ph.D. and who has re са
magic powers, and Jack Burns, ап old-
timer who is looking for his son, who
ay or may not have joined the Chief.
Good News is mostly about how Sam
d Jack meet up w nd
how they try to best the Chief. The story
is skillfully told, but the best part of the
book is Abbey's description of the So-
nora Desert. Good News may make a
nifty movie, but the manner in which
Abbey appreciates the natural world
makes us take another, more refined look
pund—wherever we live.

.
Ken Follett seems to be going after
Robert Ludlum, Frederick Forsyth and
Alistair MacLean with а vengeance
Detroit should be so competitive. The
uthor of the best-selling spy novels
of the Needle and Triple has done it
again with The Key to Rebecca (Morrow),
the fictionalized t of Rommel's
spy о. nts are
here: an unbreak voluptuous
ed British officer
beautiful lady of the night
to help him trap the spy and falls in
love with her. The book also introduces
the young Anwar Sadat as an Egyptian
officer who tries to make a deal with
Rommel. Maybe thats why People
bought the serial rights. A book like this
one reduces World War Two to ıl

h other rebels

level

of a gossip maga

ne; but who cares? It

passes the time on tr

.

We all owe Jimmy € least one
debt of gratitude for giving us Roy
Blount Jr.'s new book, Creckers (Knopf).
which is only incidentally about. Jimmy
and all his relatives. Mostly, it is about
being Southern, being country, being
sort of mad. Blount brings new gi
to Southern writing.

rius

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62

ж COMING ATTRACTIONS >

Dot coss

10 costar
Cannery Row, based on the John Steinbeck
novel. . . . Authors as Actors Depart-
ment: Norman Meiler will play the role of
Stanford White in Dino De Laurentiis’ pro-
duction of E. L Doctorow's Ragtime, direct-
td by Miles Formen. We also hear Forman
is thinking of casting Grace Slick as labor
activist Emme Goldmon. . . . Jerzy Kosinski

Mailer

has a role in Warren Beotty’s magnum
opus. Reds. Kosinski and Beaty
longtime friends... . The Empire

Back’s Irvin Kershner will direct Zanuck-
Brown's production of The Ninja, based
on the Erie Мап tustbader best seller
Playwright Dovid Mamet will -write the
засепрізу for another Zanuck-Brown
production. The Mamet made
his scripting debut. wi remake of
The Postman Always Rings Twice, s
ring Jack Nicholson and Jessica Longe.
George Hamilton will have two roles in Mel
Simon's send-up Zorro—The Gay Blade.
Hamilton will play twins, one of them a
homosexual.

ar-

.
Mate menopause: Universal's answer to
10” and Middle Age Crazy is All Night
Long, billed as the “story of an ordinary
who loses his job and wife and lives
happily ever after.” Gene Hackman (com-
ing out of a two-year sell-imposed hiatus
from acting) plays а middle-manageme:
executive who punches out his boss and
is summarily demoted 10 managing an
all-night drugstore. Deciding to change

=
Hackman Streisand

he leaves his

his lifesty

nd

le completely
akes up with a girl who has
been h with his son. The
other complication is that the girl (Barbra
Streisand) happens to be his wife's sister's

wile

late husband's brother's wile as well. So

they're related. Somehow. Anyway, the
movie, which purports to be a seriocome-
i ment about mid-life crises, is
and's role is only
2 supporting one—in all, she’s in maybe
one third of the scenes. Reportedly. it's
erent from anything she's ever
done that she agreed to do it purely for
the challenge.

.

THERE'S NO BUSINESS . . . However long
the actors’ strike lasts, and at this writing
that’s not certain, it seems to me t a
few movie projects will have to be either
postponed indefinitely or shelved. One
film that encountered a few temporary
problems is Escape to Victory. starring
Sylvester Stallone, Michoel Coine and soccer
great Рей. Set during World War Two.
it focuses on a bunch of ragtag Allied
prisoners forced to play the German all-
star soccer team in a life-and-death match
staged by the N ganda machine.
The problem n the fact that
Escape was being filmed in Hungary
until the strike stopped all production
with only five days of action-sequence
shooting left. Since the deal was for 12

Caine Stallone

weeks of consecutive shooting, it
peared for a while that the Hungarian
government might not let the project re-
sume there alter the strike ha

But at the end of August, the producer
with the

signed an interim agre
striking union and the Hung
mitted the film to be finished. Yet
other film cut short by the strike was the
Burt Reynolds/Beverly D'Angelo/Lauren Hutton
starrer Paternity. Directed by comic David
Steinberg (in his debut at the helm), the
flick had been shooting lor a lew days
in New York when the strike caused all
production to close down. The plot, i
cidentally. concerns a bachelor. (Rey
olds) who decides that he wants a child
but not nd proceeds to place a
classified ad for prospective surrogate
mothers. Hutton, an interior decorator.
shows up for another reason entirely

wile,

and, mistaking her for an applicant
Reynolds starts her all over
town. Since Paternity is

picture, and since Reynolds is

committed to Universal for The Best

Little Whorehouse in Texas, opposite

Dolly Porton, a bit of schedule juggling
may be necessary.

.
uke sHow BUSINESS: Another tempo
rary casualty of the sirike was the film
Heartheeps, starring Andy Коштоп

Kaufman Peters

Bernadette Peters. Described as
robot odyssey set in the yt

plays a personal valet robot
is a hostess companion robot (I'm told
that all the other members of the

ical robots). While
Kaufman and Peters
wander off and explore the world, such
as it is im 1995, (Sort. of a futuristic
Wizard of Oz, they say.)

.

FINALLY, RESPECT: Rodney Dangerfield has
finally made it really, really big. due
largely to his performance in Caddyshac
(or my money. he was the only reason
to sce that movie). Apparently, he's hav-
ing the time of his life. At a concert in

Adam hysterical [ans demanded һе
take off his famous red tic. then
shout, “Take it all ой and Rodney

accommodated them by taking off his
pants. In the near future, Rodney will
be hosting Saturday Night Live. again
do a TV special or two. And

ind may

Dangerfield

he'll probably be writing his own movie
next time. Although hes been ap-
proached by the networks several times
for series, Rodney isn't biting. "I don't
want a TV show.” he says: "I'm not in-
terested іп how much money I can die
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PLAYBOY’S TRAVEL GUIDE

By STEPHEN BIRNBAUM

YOU'VE OFTEN READ editorials inveighing
against the commercialization of the
Christmas season, but they rarely have
any discernible effect. But there are
folks who have kept a genuine holiday
spirit and places where the celebration
of the holidays is both exuberant and
exhilarating. The surroundings сап
make you feel you've walked through a
time warp into a far simpler, less frantic
age. It’s often very corny, but more often
it's absolutely wonderful.

Here is a sampling of some sites where
the holidays still have special appeal. Be
aware that these places are hardly un-
known and that reservations arc nor-
mally made at least а year ahead. It's
often possible, however, to luck into a
last-minute cancellation, so don't be
afraid to try to find a room at the inn
even this year. You might just end up
believing in Santa Claus.

Timberline Lodge (Government
Camp, Oregon): This magnificent relic
of Thirties WPA days, perched on a
slope of mighty Mt. Hood, was the
setting for the film version of The Shin-
ing, but never fear—it’s not haunted.
Year-end festivities Jast for two weeks,
starting seven days before Christmas; in-
cluded are a Santa Claus who arrives in a
sleigh pulled by real reindeer and lots of
other romantic stuff such as the Christ-
mas Eve candle ceremony. A single
lighted taper is carried through the
pitch-black lobby, after which each guest
lights his neighbor's candle. When all
are burning, the collective blaze is daz-
zling and a lump in the throat is not at
all unusual.

Ahwahnce Hotel (Yosemite National
Park, California): Much of the basic ap-
peal here is the chance you will get
snowed in, and it somctimes seems that
guests are hoping they'll be marooned
in a setting as spectacular as Yosemite.
The main Christmas function is the
Bracebridge Dinner, which has existed
in some form since the hotel opened in
1927. It's a rendering out of Washington
Irving's Sketch Book, where the charac
ters still share their traditional yuletide
feast with villagers and friends. Ahwah-
nee public rooms are mammoth, the bet-
ter to hold the enormous Christmas wee
that usually scrapes the 24-foot ceiling.
You'll find yourself warmed as much by
the spirit of the guests as by the glowing
yule log.

Highlands Inn (Carmel, California):
The Scots have made quite a lot out of
New Year's for centuries, and one of the
most authentic Scottish celebrations in
this country is the Scottish Merry Month
celebrated here from the second Friday
in December through New Year's Day.

CHRISTMAS-CARD
CHRISTMASES

Nine tradition-filled
spots to spend
а cozy holiday season.

There's ап open-house tree trimming,
complete with eggnog and bagpipers, for
which the only admission fee is the con-
tribution of one ornament. The bag-
pipers vie with harp music and there's
lots of dancing, a never-empty wassail
bowl and much observance of traditional
hogmanay rites.

The Greenbrier (White Sulphur
Springs, West Virginia): For most of the
year, this is among the most formal
hostelries in America, but Christmas and
New Years seem to take most of the
starch out of any resident stuffed shirt.
In past years, a huge Elizabethan din-
ner—including suckling pig, pheasant
and boar's head—has been the main gas-
попотіс event, and even the plum pud-
ding is deliciously authentic. Every space
in the hotel seems to be festooned with
holly, poinsettia and velvet bows, and
ivs hard to find a spot where there isn't
a sprig of mistletoe hung overhead.

Colonial Williamsburg (Williamsburg,
Virginia): Holiday celebration has come
a long way this Colonial restoration,
and the present citizenry seems to con-
sider Christmas its special province.
"There is somcthing splendid about walk-
ing through this mile-long living mu-
scum as cannons boom and candles burst.
into light in every window. Balladcers
abound and carolers nearly trip over one
another as they move from house to vil-
lage square, amid wreaths and garlands
of pine, pomegranate, boxwood and
holly. The season opens on the 140 of
December with a Grand Illumination
complete with muskets, madrigals and
much merrymaking. Each of the town's

inns has its own special Christmas
punch, and there are worse ways to
spend the season than to make an inde-
pendent personal appraisal

"The Boar's Head Inn (Charlottesville,
Vir While the Scots encamp in
Carmel, the English take over this corner
of central Virginia. The so-called Mer
Olde England Christmas Festival begins
on Christmas Eve, with the arrival of the
Lord of Misrule. Elizabethan music,
madrigals, carols and an enormous yule
log are constants during the next several
days, with a champagne brunch on
Christmas Day. The day after Christmas
includes a Feast Before Forks, a seven-
course dinner of goodies popular in the
16th Century, all eaten with the fingers.
A popular potable is "рус wyn.”

‘Jared Coffin House (Nantucket Island,
Massachusetts): The Christmas season is
observed in celebratory excess, beginning
on December 21 and ending on Epiph-
any Sunday. Each night's dinner consists
of the cuisine (and Christmas specialties)
of a different country, with American
traditional—turkey, pheasant, etc.—pro-
viding the menu for Christmas Day. Yule
logs burn, wassail flows and carols echo
through the inn halls as the crashing surf
provides a lovely accompaniment.

Trapp Family Lodge (Stowe, Ver-
mont): The centerpiece here 1s Maria
von Trapp telling the story of Christmas
in Austria. The holiday is announced by
the ringing of a large bell and the tree
is decorated with lighted candles (ap-
parently, they don't let the local fire
chief attend). The sound of music is
exactly what you'd expect, and there are
gifts for guests as they mingle with staff
around the large tree. The feeling of the
gathering of a huge family is inescap-
able, and daytime activities include some
of the finest crosscountry skiing in the
land.

The Homestead (Sugar Hill New
Hampshire): This charming inn has
been operated by the same family for 100
years, so its feeling of warmth and cozi-
ness stems from a century of tradition
and hospitality. There are not one but
two Christmas trees. One, in the dining
room, is all white; the other, in the liv-
ing room, is a balsam decorated with
dolls from all over the world. Christmas
dinner is just about as traditional as you
can get, featuring roast turkey and dress-
ing, homemade pastries and boiled cider
applesauce. After a hearty meal like that,
you'll probably just want to sit and look
out over the 200 acres of rolling New
England countryside that surround The
Homestead, but you can enjoy skating.
cross-country skiing or any number of
other winter sports.

65

PLAYBOY

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THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR

М, girlfriend would like to switch her
method of birth control. We both hate
the diaphragm and realize that our re-
ludance to use it has brought us very
close to parenthood too many times. The
pill is out and the LU.D. seems to have
more than its share of complications
(though my girlfriend's doctor told her
that many of the problems with the
1.0.0. stemmed from multiple partners,
not from the device itself). Several of our
feminist friends have recommended
something called a cervical cap. What is
it?—J. L., New York, New York.

It's a little red thing with a tassel that
Shriners wear. Just kidding. The cervical
cap is а medical rediscovery, of sorts.
Essentially, it is a thimble-shaped cap
that fits over the cervix. It is held in
place by suction and acts as а barrier to
sperm. The method has been in use for
centuries: According to one report,
Casanova presented a prospective lover
with half а squeezed lemon to use as a
cervical cap. Other caps were made from.
molded opium, aluminum, gold, plati-
num, silver, ivory—but ihe one youre
most. likely to find will be made of rub-
ber or plastic. The method fell out of
use during the Thirties, for no apparent
reason. Now, thanks to the feminist
grapevine, and Barbara and Gideon Sea-
men’s “Women and the Crisis in Sex
Hormones,” various clinics are distribut-
ing caps to women who request them.
The FDA has not approved the cap as
а form of birth control, because the re-
quired research has not been dome.
Unofficial estimates, however, suggest
that the cap is as effective as the dia-
phragm (without repeated applications
of spermicidal jelly). It seems less likely
to become dislodged during an especially
actiue session. It can be left in place
without discomfort. In short, it seems to
have a lot going for it. Already, doctors
are working on a better cap—one that
allows uterine secretions to exit through
a one-way value. Neat. You may want to
join the vanguard; or wait for the re-
search to be completed. We'll keep you
posted.

Several newspaper artides in the past
few months have advanced the theory
that celibacy is going to be the sex of the
Eighties. My lover has devoured those
articles and now is trying to convert
me—citing the truelife confessions of
people who daim that abstinence gives
you more energy and allows you to focus
your attention on the really important
things in Ше (carcer) and that relation-
ships free of scx flourish. She thinks wc
should try it. I think she's crazy—but I

would like to convince her logically. Is
there any scientific evidence to support
those claims?—K. S., Detroit, Michigan.

Fortunately, there is no evidence what-
Soever to suggest that celibacy is good for
anything (though there was that one
article “New Hope for the Dead”). The
people who think that abstinence gives
them new energy are probably powered
by AA batteries. They must have one-
track minds, if they are unable to con-
centrate on more than one thing u week
(such as carcer). And as for improving
relationships: The notion that if you
can’t have my body, you'll learn to
like my mind is absurd. The last time we
looked, the two (mind and body) were
inseparable. If your girlfriend wants to
practice celibacy, say that you aren't
jealous—that she can practice it with any
man she wants.

Please settle an argument. Are boxing
gloves primarily for the protection of
the fighter's hands or to prevent injury
to the other boxer?—R. T., Las Vegas,
Nevada.

In theory, they're supposed to do both.
But, in fact, they do neither. A boxer
really uses three kinds of gloves: training
gloves, sparring gloves and official box-
ing gloves. The first two are fairly light,
weighing about four ounces each. Official
boxing gloves can be anywhere from six
to I4 ounces, depending on the weight
classification and the local boxing com-
mission's regulations. While they used to
be filled with horsehair, they are now
filled with foam rubber. A fighier's hands
are also wrapped with up to 12 feet of
gauze wrap, plus tape to keep it in place.

The entire hand is not taped, as some
think. The area around the knuckles
usually has only the gauze wrap, since
tape, when it gets wet, can be as hard as
brass knuckles. Fighters have also been
known to soak their hands in a brine
solution to toughen the skin. None of
this means very much in the actual bat-
tle. A fighters punching power comes
more from the weight behind the punch
than from the hardness of the fist. The
glove does spread the impact over a wid-
er area, however. Without it, there would
be a lot more broken bones. If the gloves
do anything, they simply slow down the
destruction. Protection in the ring—in
the pro ranks, at least—is minimal at best.

ІМІ, question concerns the female anal

і п fact, there is such a thing.
I'd heard vaguely about this but was
never sure, since I had had no personal
experience. Now, however, I'm begin-
ning to doubt my former doubts. A few
weeks ago, I took to bed a perfectly
delicious little black-haired beauty who
was, unfortunately, very unhappy with
her husband and with sex in general.
She claimed she had never in her life
had a real orgasm. And. to my dismay.
she seemingly didn't have one with
me, either. She was well worth another
try, though. And that time, a strange
thing happened. It was almost, if not
quite, accidental on my part. As I slid
into her, with a hand behind her bottom
to hold her close, my fingers pressed into
the crevice of her buttocks and found
her anus. A sudden impulse seized me
and I thrust my forefinger through and
up into the channel beyond. She arched
her back, gave a long, shuddering gasp
and went into an explosive climax that
was unmistakably the real thing.

Was this only happenstance, or are
there really some women who respond
instantly and uncontrollably to anal
stimulation?—E. M., Arlington, Virginia.

The term female anal erotic is rather
quaint but is needlessly sexist, as this
technique is equally effective for males.
In Dr. Alex Comfort's book “The Joy of
Sex," it is called postillionage and is
popular in French erotic novels. In
Comfort's book, it is defined as "putting
a finger in or on your partner's anus just
before orgasm.” Comfort goes on to say
that "most prefer firm finger pressure
just in front of the anus; in men this
can produce an erection used alone. . . .
Firm pressure with a heel behind the
scrotum or between anus and vulva works
as well in some postures” Although this
technique won't work on all of the
people all of the time, it will work on

67

PLAYBOY

68

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some of the people most of the time.
One cautionary note: If you have insert-
ed your finger into the anus, do not put
it into the vagina afterward, as this can
cause bacterial infections.

Б thinking of taking up skiing again—
devoting all my vacation time to getting
it right. I've budgeted some money for
new equipment and wonder if you can
make any recommendations about what
kind of skis to buy. There seem to be so
many variables involved. How can I
make an educated buyi—T. P., Albu-
querque, New Mexico.

The ski magazines can give you very
detailed descriptions of construction,
flex and side cut—the blueprint of a
ski—but only you can discover what a
given ski feels like. And that can be
magic. We suggest putting off your pur-
chase until after your first week or so on
the slopes. Take the time to sample skis.
Most shops have top-of-the-line models
that they rent for $15 a day or less. Re-
member: The earlier in the season, the
better the condition of the ski. You can
see for yourself whether you like a giant
slalom ski (designed to make large-radius,
high-speed turns), a slalom ski (designed
to make short-radius, slow-speed turns),
a downhill shi (for those of you more
interested in speed than in curves) or
one of the specially skis for bumps or
powder. A jew additional hints: Take а
looh at what shi is favored by the shi
patrol, ski instructors and the skiers you
admire—on the mountain where you
will do most of your skiing. A moun-
tain area such as Alta is almost solid
silver, with Rossignol SMs the weapon of
choice. Vail favored Atomic Arcs last
year. Telluride and Squaw Valley seemed
to have cliques devoted to Dynamic VR
17s. If your karma is suffering and you
have to practice downhill ice skating
back East, take a look at something like
Dynastar Omeglass Hs. The skis men-
tioned above are high-performance skis,
and we admit to a bias. If you can't do
it like the best, why bother?

Alter a night of partying, 1 was about
to drive home when my host suggested I
have a cup of coffee to counter the effects
of our evening's libations. I told him I
didn’t think it would help, I'd just be a
wide-awake drunk. What I'd like to
know is, does coffee really help you
sober up?—M. T., Cleveland, Ohio.

A recent study conducted for the In-
surance Institute for Highway Safety
showed that a shot of caffeine can im-
prove driving performance to some ex-
tent after moderate drinking. Moderate
drinking is defined as from two to three
and а half ounces of 86-proof alcohol. A
shot of caffeine is defined as the amount
in two to four cups of coffee. In other
words, if you can keep yourself to three

ounces of booze and choke down four
cups of coffee, you will experience a
slight decrease in the loss of sense and
motor control that alcohol induces. But
don't bet your life on it. The only sure
cure for the wobblies is time, about one
hour per ounce of alcohol consumed. So
maybe it isn’t the coffee that helps but
the time it takes to drink it.

lo ьлтвоуз August issue, New Age
Primer interview subject Durk Pearson
suggests increasing dosages of vitamin A
as part of a lifeextension regimen. I
was under the impression that large dos-
ages of vitamin A can be toxic. What's
the story?—M. P., Atlanta, Georgia.

Vitamin A has been called the night-
vision vitamin, since its deficiency shows
up as night blindness. The substance
known as vitamin A on the shelf of your
local pharmacy can be made up of any
of three chemicals: retinol, retinal or
retinoic acid. All of those generate vila-
min-A activity. Large doses have been
known to cause liver damage, which
obviously can lead to complications. The
recommended daily allowance (R.D.A.)
s given as 5000 international units
(I.U.), though that is considered low by
some nutritionists. Therapeutic dosages
of 25,000-50,000 1.0. are not unheard
of. But there is a catch to playing with
vitamins. First off, there are 13 known
vilamins. Increasing one can increase or
decrense your need for others. Increasing
dosages can also result in what is known
as a conditioned deficiency; that is, the
symptoms of deficiency can show up if
the user reverts to a normal dose. It's al-
ways a good idea to consult
authority before experimenting on your-
self. Realize, though, that the frontiers
of science are often shaky ground even
for the experts.

some

There has been a lot of news lately
about the Brazilian experiment in using
straight alcohol fuel in automobile en-
gines. Apparently, it has been successful.
With our surplus of grain to make it
with, alcohol in cars seems a good bet.
Can my car be converted to this fuel?—
H. P., Newport, Rhode Island.

Any car can be converted to use
straight alcohol as fuel. But that's not
the problem, An alcohol engine uses
approximately 20 percent more fuel
than a gasoline engine. So, currently,
it's more expensive. But your biggest
problems will be cold starts and storage.
If you lived in Brazil, cold starts would
not be much of a problem. In your home
town, though, you'd need some sort of
heater to get the fumes flowing. Alcohol
also has a tendency to pick up moisture
from condensation and from the air.
Water mixes with alcohol, whereas gas-
oline would simply float on top of it. It’s
not a problem with most sealed auto

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tanks, but underground storage could
drop the proof, which would cut
your power. Alcohol-gasoline solutions
(known as gasohol) are currently prac-
tical, but straight alcohol engines are a
long way off.

FRecently, I drove а car similar in
make and model to my own. I found
that the handling and controls were far
different from my car. Is there really
that much difference among cars as they
come off the line?—L. D., Dallas, Texas.

Each car has its own little quirks,
as you're probably aware, but there
should not be a significant difference
such as you describe. One variable is how
the car is prepared by the dealer. One
mechanic might adjust the brake pedal
high, while another gives you some trav-
el. But if specs are followed, the differ-
ence will be slight. More likely, the
problem is in maintenance and driving
habits. Once you've owned a car for
а while, it becomes more and more diffi-
cult to judge whether or not some-
thing is wrong. The fact is, you just get
used to its quirks and automatically
compensate for them. It’s a good idea to
let someone else whose judgment you
respect, preferably a mechanic, drive
the car every three to six months. That's
a good way to catch an accident before
it happens.

Ое of my girlfriends claims that she
is horniest just before ovulation. I can
see that this might be true from nature's
point of view—it would increase her
chances of making love at a time when
she is most fertile. But I have also heard
that women are horniest just before or
after menstruation. Is my girlfriend just
being contrary?—E. S., Dallas, Texas.

We recall reading a report that asked
580 women if they experienced their
greatest desire for sex at ovulation—and
if such а surge were а source of frustra-
tion for those practicing the rhythm
method. Seventy-three percent of the
women said that they peaked during
prime time (on or about the 13th day of
the cycle); and 57 percent said that the
poorly timed lust was a source of frustra-
tion. Other studies have shown that there
are peaks of desire shortly before and
afier menstruation. Our advice: Take
your partner’s word for it—whatever it
is—and act accordingly.

pei s

All reasonable questions—from fash-
ion, food and drink, stereo and sports cars
to dating dilemmas, taste and etiquette—
will be personally answered if the writer
includes a stamped, self-addressed en-
velope. Send all letters to The Playboy
Advisor, Playboy Building, 919 N. Michi-
gan Avenue, Chicago, Illinois 60611. The
most provocative, pertinent queries will
be presented on these pages each month.

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Yet, this incredibly sophisticated device operates so simply,

The computer “sees” exactly what you see in the PET Andinjust
m milliseconds, it determines the precise shutter ma fora perfectly exposed
$w ^ picture. The red diode in the viewfinder shows the computer at work,
8 automatically adjusting thecamera. (Naturally, the ZE can also be
sı operated manually.)
E] Now, you take over. Simply turn the focusing ring until the image
is clear, and then release the precision quartz-timed shutter. You can't miss.
Because with the computer taking care of the camera, you can concentrate

wes are on thepicture. The 35mm B

niya quartz ZE. Don't think of it as a camera. £i

Instead, think of it as a computer programmed to 'The computer makes 1t simple,
take simply beautiful pictures.

Яғ NS h

f b x NL xu Ж,

le Withwasclection of lenseseldctrgbic flash, and automatic\vinder,

ello Mami! игы ау DPB Or Mi 1L 00056 [п Corks, Bell & Poule Mas ompany, Ontario.
PSO BATE Howell t bend —

LO «а

ba

. “Last year I switched to rum.
This year I graduated to Myers’s Rum?

White rums may be what you learn on. But
Myers's dark rum will advance your edu-
cation. It will teach you just how good tasting
rum can be. Because with Myers's Rum
you get a smoother. softer taste that comes
from master-blending. .

What makes Myers’s precious imported
rum cost more. makes Myers’ taste better.

In cola, soda. fruit juice or any of your
favorite mixers

PLAYBOY

s
3
8
3
&
E
З
Е
H
5

"S MAKES IT BETTER. Taste how Myerss improves on cola, soda, tonic, fruit juice. Free Recipe Book:
55 Rum Recipe Book, Dept. PB, PO. Box 4605, Westbury, New York 11590. Offer expires December 31, 1981.

THE PLAYBOY FORUM

a continuing dialog on contemporary issues between playboy and its readers

KEEPING IT CLEAN
he leger from Nancy С. Thomson,
M.D., in your September issue brought
back memories of my own experience
with Japanese censorship when I was in
the Navy and stationed іп Sasebo. Its
an understatement to say that Japanese
censorship verges on the ridiculou
1 had never seen / Am Curious (Yel-
low). so when it came to town, I eagerly
waited in line. Instead of cutting the
explicit scenes, the Japanese censors
blurred out strategic places іп the film.
In the scene where the girl toys with the
man's penis, the Japanese saw her toying
with a six-inch-long, two-inch-thick blur
When 4 Clockwork Orange made the
rounds. they showed just how adept they
could be, In the attempted gang-rape

scene, where the girl runs across the
stage, P suppose the American audi-

ence saw literal views of the girl's pubic
hair. But I wouldn't know; all 1 saw was
a little black dot t
with her

bat, damn, it didn’t,

The censors had a problem with The
Ribald Tales of Robin Hood, however,
and couldn't seem to make up their

minds. In the opening scene, Robin
Hood's faithlul. Merry Men engage in a
preuy energetic rape scene. I think the

censors’ problem came with the moment
of penetration and thrust. They couldn't
get the rhythm quite right and alter-
nated penis and pussy with overworked
blur. When that proved unsatisfactory,

they gave up and just blurred out the
whole lower half of the frame.
‘Tom Cummins
Portland. Oregon

RHYME TIME

In your July 1980 issue, there appear
some rather humorous guesses as to what
female masturbation should be called.
In point of fact, the term coming to us

from the В: is "to fiddle [with]
oneself.” That is, indeed. the sense of
that famous “Hey. d ^ rhyme,
in which it is expl even a

1
such. pleasi
moon." An attr;
gerate, "running aw
(an archaic term for se:
foreplay). Not only а“
laugh to see such sport!

Gina Haijuli

Ouagadougou, Upper Volta

п fiddle and achieve
jump over the
ctive wo

vyset wench

as to

ual dalliance or
ttle dog" would

HARD TIMES

I read in the paper that more and
more people are selling their blood
that this is considered. further evide
that the countr period of hard
times. Hell. I supported myself in col-
lege by selling my blood and other non-
essentials back in the Fifties. 1 was what
was then known as a beatnik (1 forget
exactly why) and decided the hohemian
thing to do was to go to school in Mex-
ch bullfights, drink tequila and
Anyway, I got up enough bread

“The bohemian thing to do
was to go to school in
Mexico, watch bullfights,
drink tequila and screw.”

to enroll in Mexico City College (for
gringos) and managed to live lor about
six months by selling blood, urine and.
feces to a laboratory doing research on
dysentery. That brought in ten dollars a
week, which was enough to buy lood.
The tequila and the rent were free in
return for cleaning a cantina that had
ап upstairs room and catered to Ameri-
can students, who supplied the sex.
Finally, 1 caught the trots myself,

couldn't sell amy more by-products for
the duration and nearly starved го death
until my old man sent me money to get
Those were the good old da
Arnie Foster
Houston. Texas
Sustained on the proceeds from blood
and bodily wastes—that’s the closest
thing yet lo a perpetual-motion machine

s.

THE OTHER SIDE

s paean to the perils of
parasitivism in the September
Playboy Forum is typical of the attitude
of alimony apologists

The majority of women do not receive
alimony because the majority of women
do not deserve it. The author of the
aforementioned balderdash might do
well to explore the other side of the
connubial coin: How many men who
are paying alimony actually should be
receiving it

Mr. (or is it Mrs? The tone of the
letter seems to leave that question open.)
Welnak simply does not know his habeas
from a hole in the ground on the custody
issue. Until the U. S. Supreme Court, in
the 1979 Orr us. Orr landmark. decision,
laid down the law, a custodial father—if
he was lucky enough to become such—in
many states could not collect child sup-
port. Nine months of {etal cartage gave
momma a free ride.

Coupled with the enormous legal fees
caused by the attitude of moss-backed
judges that competent parents come in
nly one sex, is it so surprising that few
thers sought custody of children? Or
that since the Supreme Court has begun
to impose some semblance of fairness on
domestic-relations laws, more fathers
have begun to assert their rights?

Welnak is correct in one respect
Women should learn to rely on them-
selves. It is something men have done
for cons.

Hugh Nations
Fairburn, Georg

E.R.A. CONFUSION

In her recent letter to The Playboy
Forum (September), Karin Smith asks
what's so frightening about the Equal
Rights Amendment, which st
quality of rights under the law shall
not be denied or abridged by the United
States or by any state on account of sex.”
Permit me to reveal my fears about that
ple statement.

The ЕК.А. is not designed only to
give women equal rights. Saying that you

73

PLAYBOY

7

cannot discriminate on the basis of sex
сап also be interpreted to mean you
can't discriminate against homosexual:
M the ERA, is passed, it would 16
e perversity and set up homosex
ality as a viable alternate lifestyle
protected by the Constitution. That is
what is so frightening to me. Homo-
sexuality would be completely out of the
closet and paraded in iront of our chil-
dren as a normal activity, when it is, in
fact, an abomination,

Let me close by saying that if the
E.R.A. were strictly for women, I would
be all for it. Women certainly deserve
to be viewed equally in the eyes of the
law and our Constitution.

(Name withheld by request)
Naples, Florida

Just how many E.R.A. advocates know
what such an amendment would entail?
1t would mean a child molester or rapist
could become a grade school or kinder-
garten teacher upon parole. You couldn't
turn down his/her application because
ol having had sex with a child, because
the law would prohibit. discrimination
“on account of sex.” The same goes for
kiddie-porn producers.

I don't want my children submitted to
that. No, thank you. Don't get me
wrong: l'm not against equal pay for
equal work, and so forth. And Tm con-
cerned about whether women are drafted
or not. I'm 19 and willingly registered.

Hermiston, Oregon
Amazing. From numerous letters we
have receted (ihe above are only sam
ples), much opposition to the ERA.
seems based on the issue of civil rights
for homosexuals and the word sex in the
proposed amendment, which many take
to mean sexual acts rather than male and
female genders.

NEW ACT
Millions of Americans first learned of
wijuana’s medical value іп the treat-
ment of glaucoma. multiple sclerosis and
cancer chemotherapy side effects. [rom
reading The Playboy Forum. So it seems
ppropriate ta write to the Forum now
to tell your readers about the formation
of ACT—the Alliance for Cann
"Therapeutics and. incidentally, to thank
the Playboy Foundation for its generous
grant.

Since 1976, when T became the first
person to gain legal, medical access to
revolution in public

merica
deral prohibition against mari
з use in medi nd favors
orms to make it available by prescrip
Чоп. In a mere two years, 21 states,
encompassing three fourths of the na
tional popul have ignored the
Federal proh to legislatively

public opposes

зз!

FORUM NEWSFRONT

what’s happening in the sexual and soctal arenas

WAYWARD WOMAN

SAN FRANCISCO—A woman convicted
of operating a bordello has been sen-
tenced to 90 days in а convent. А
superior-court judge placed the 39-
year-old madam in the “care, custody
and control” of the Convent of the
Good Shepherd, a Catholic order dedi-
cated to helping wayward women. All

parties were agreeable to the sentence,
and the defending attorney commented,
“It's not unlike what Hamlet said to
Ophelia: ‘Get thee 10 а nunner:

DECRIM

тоқохто--/4 Canadian study of U.S.
pot smokers has found that the "decrim-
inalization” of marijuana appears to
have little effect on how many people
use the drug. Professor Eric Single of
Ontario's Addiction Research Founda-
tion found that the rate of use in states
that had adopted decrim laws remained
about the same as in states that had re-
tained harsh penalties. £n The Journal,
published by the A.R.F., Single was
quoted as saying: “Until recently, the
evidence was inconclusive. But now it
appears the reduction of penalties to a
fine has succeeded in cutting law-en-
forcement and court costs without add-
ing to the rates of use. All this evidence
indicates decriminalizalion measures
have been successful measures of gov-
ernment reform.”

UNDER THE LAW
NEW YORK CITY—4 local court has
declared (hat a girdle is not a burglar's
tool cuen when a shoplifter uses one
to conceal stolen merchandise. The

court ruled that the female defendant
could be charged only with theft
because a girdle is an article of clothing,
which, “being worn under all, was,
after all, a place to hide ай” The
judge added that the prosecutor's argu-
ment “plainly sags.”

JERK ON

SAN FRANCISCO— California cities may
not limit business hours of porno-
graphic-movie establishments in order
10 combat masturbation, the state su-
preme court has ruled. The majority
rejected the argument by Los Angeles
authorities that closing “picture ar-
cades" between two А.М. and nine AM
was a constitutional use of police power
lo deter masturbators during (hose
hours when law-enforcement problems
are greatest. In its four-to-three opinion,
the court held that “The government
may deal directly with masturbation in
public picture arcades by persons, who
know or should know of the presence of
others who may be offended by such
conduct, by arresting and prosecuting
them." Earlier, an officer described the
arcades as “money-making machinery
houses of masturbation.”

SWEET REVENGE

VENTURA, — CALIFORNA—Affer a
lengthy legal battle, а doctor and a
lawyer have been awarded a total of
$18,000, plus 812.000 in legal fees, in а
sex-diserimination suit against а res-
taurant thal refused to serve them un-
less they put on neckties. The two men
charged that the restaurant harassed
and embarrassed them by subjecting
them but not their wives to a dress code.

MEDICAL NECESSITY

sr. Louis—T he Eighth U.S. Circuit
Court of Appeals has ruled that ihe
state of lowa should have paid Medic-
aid benefits to а тап who underwent
a sexchange operation. The Iowa
Department of Social Services had
refused to pay for the treatment, claim
ing that it did not qualify as “medical
ly necessary.” The appellate court
disagreed: “From this record, it appears
that radical scx-conversion surgery ts the
only medical treatment available to кс.
lieve or solve the problems of a true
transsexual." The decision upheld a
district-court award of $3024 іп medical
payments and 8500 for “mental anguish
and suffering resulting from the wrong-
ful denial of benefits.”

PENIS REPAIR

TAMPA. FLORIDA—Two doctors al the
Tampa General Hospital surgically re-
attached the penis of a 28-year-old man
who said he had cul it off with a razor
in the belief that that would assure him
a place in heaven. The urologist and.
the surgeon who treated the man said
it would be some lime before the onl-
come of the operation was certain. but
the same doctors performed a similar
penis reallachment two years ago that
proved successful.

SEX AT SEA

norrrrpas—Responding 10 com-
plaints of too many prostitutes working
in residential neighborhoods, Rotter-
dam's chief rity executive has arranged
to get the hookers off the streets and
onto floating brothels. The decision
grants licenses for two “sex boats" as
part oj a plan approved by the city

council to moor 12 specially built ves-
sels at three points along the Rhine
harbor, one of the world's busiest. A
spokesman for the Eros and Entertain-
ment Centers Foundation, which will
manage the boats, said the first floating
whorchouses could be launched by the
end of the year.

STRANGER THAN FICTION

TIBURON, CALIFORNIA—A 56-year-old
widow who lost her boyfriend to an-
other woman has been accused of try-
ing to hire an ex-convict to rape the
mans new wife and kill her unborn
child. The former prisoner, known lo-
cally as the “bus-stop rapist,” reportedly
received the unexpected solicitation by
telephone and informed police of what
he suspected was some kind of setup.
The Marin County district attorne
who filed the charges commented, “I'm
not even sure lue heard about this in a
soup opera.”

SEX AND SOPHISTRY

WASHINGTON, D.C.—A directive from
the National Conference of Catholic
Bishops prohibits Catholic hospitals
from sterilizing a woman even when
pregnancy would endanger her life
Previously, many of the hospitals con-
sidered it permissible to perform tubal
ligations for grave medical seasons, un-
der a policy that a diseased organ may
be sacrificed to save the life of an
individual. Bul the bishops have de-
clared that this “does not apply to
contraceptive sterilization and cannot
be шей to justify it” The directive
was accompanied by а commentary
suggesting abstinence from sex and
concentration on spiritual life: “Many
couples, both Catholic and non-Cath-
olic, when faced with this sort of prob-
lem, have decided to forgo the genital
expression of thea love in order to re-
frain from doing evil, and to open
their hearts to the reign of God.”

NOVEL REVERSAL

cmcaco— The rape conviction of а
Waukegan man was reversed and a re-
trial ordered by the Hlinois Appellate
Court in a riding that strongly criticized
the prosecution for telling jurors about
four sex novels found in the back seat
of the man’s car. The case raised the
question of whether or not prosecutors
сап use the contents of a defendant's
library to imply he is the sort of person
who may have committed a crime. The
justices held that such a tactic "presents
a subtle threat to private possession of
reading materials and strikes. dang
ously close to the heart of cherished
First Amendment freedom.”

VEHICULAR SEX

FLINT, wrciicAN— Under a new city
ordinance, couples are prohibited from
copulating in cars unless they're parked.
on their own property. The purpose of
the law is to discourage prostitutes
from operating out of vans on public
streets and in the parking lots of busi-
nesses; but one councilman warned
that it doesn't mention payment for
sex and could be used to hassle con-
ventional back-seat lovers апа even
married couples. He added that it was
probably too vague to be constitution-
al and would likely end up in some
book that lists silly laws.

INSEMINATION DISCRIMINATION

DETROIT—A 36-year-old Detroit wom-
ап won her suit т Federal court when
the Wayne State University artificial
insemination clinic agreed to offer its
services to women who are not married.
The suit argued that the plaintiff had
few years left in which to safely bear a

child and did not “want the complica
lions, entanglements and stigma which
would accompany impregnation by sex-
ual intercourse with а man to whom
she is not married." The American
Civil Liberties Union said the case pro.
vided the first test of а policy, official
or not, that is widely practiced by state-
financed clinics in refusing to insemi
nale unmarried women.

THINGS GO BETTER WITH. . . .

Sugar workers in Bolivia have been
threatening to go on strike unless their
employers supply cach of them with al
least one pound of coca leaves per
week. According to The New York
imes, Bolivian workers customarily
chew the leaves for an energy boost
and have done so for centuries, but
the growing demand for cocaine in the
U.S. has resulted in a shortage of the
leaves in many parts of the country.
The Times reports that Bolivia pro-
duces an estimated 100 tons of refined
cocaine annually, much of which is
smuggled to the U.S., where it has а
strect value of over 20 billion dollars.

ENCOUNTERS OF THE WEIRD KIND

Physicians writing in the British
Medical Journal report several cases of
penis injuries caused by vacuum clean-
ers. Although the four victims discussed

had insisted that the encounters w
accidental, the doctors suggested that
the men "were probably in search of
sexual satisfaction.” Two of the cases
involved a brand of vacuum cleaner
that has fan blades about six inches
from the inlet, leading to the conclu
sion: “The present patients may well
have thought that the penis would be
clear of the fan but were driven to ne:

lengths by Uke novelty of the experi-
ence and came to grief.”

75

PLAYBOY

76

recognize ma medical
benefits.

Yet Federal policies have not changed.
Under Federal law, marijuana is still
defined as a drug "with no accepted
medical value.” Washington's entrenched
drug-abuse establishment, after ехе
ig absolute control over marijuana for
more than 40 years, is unwilling to relin-
quish its power. Using their monopoly
over the nation's only legal source of

ijuana's potentia

marijuana, those same Federal agencies
have been corrupting neutral scientific
studies and are secking to destroy the
compassionate intent of recently enacted
state laws.

To this end, Federal agencies have de-
liberately deceived more than a score of
ate legislatures by promising them
supplies of marijuana that did not exist
and that the agencies never intended to
grow. In an effort to disguise this short-

THE FREE-BASE
FAD

“cocaine for horses an "not for men. They say

it kill you, but they don't say when. ...

After Sigmund Freud tried cocaine
late in the last century, he touted it
to friends, relatives and the medical
profession as a potential wonder drug.
‘The fictional Sherlock Holmes found
that an injected “seven-percent solu.
tion" dispelled fatigue and sharpened
his mind, over the objections of the
prudent Dr. Watson. By the early part
of this century, U.S. Government
authorities had flatly declared cocaine
to be a killer narcotic. Finally, over
the past few years, millions of Ameri
cans have discovered that everyone
was wrong except the South American
Indians who have been chewing coca
leaves for centuries, Used occasionally

ind moderately, cocaine can be a mild
and relatively benign euphoi

Now comes a new chapter in the
history ol people's inability to let well
enough alone. Perhaps one in ten
cocaine users has discovered “free-
basing"—a system lor enhancing the
effects of the drug and a potentially
dangerous practice that could make

any of the old warnings come true

Cocaine as it's commonly obtained
in this country is actually cocaine
hydrochloride, a water-soluble salt
compound. It cannot be smoked un-
less it’s first separated from its hydro-
chloride clement through the process
called free-basing. This technique cre-
ates a much more intense but much
briefer high than snorting the crystals.
Often this spectacular rush
lowed by a resounding crash
of intense depression and irritability.
125 easy to see how this set of quick,
pronounced reactions causes many
people to want to repeat the high as
soon and as often as possible. That
use pattern tends to make free base
potentially addicting, and warnings
are coming from people who can
hardly be accused of antidrug hysteria.

High Times magazine. lor example.

"—HUDDIE LEDBETTER

which used to advertise Íree-basing.
kits (they cost only $12 or so), now
refuses to take the ads. Dr. Ronald K.
Siegel of UCLA, who has deplored
harsh. penalties against ordinary co-
caine use, described free-basing as
lcading to "almost thc classic drug
addiction" in many of the patients he
has treated. Dr. Craig Van Dyke of
the University of California at San
Francisco has said that [rec-basing
frequently leads to severe abuse.”
The possibility of induced psy-
chosis has been trotted out as a scare
tactic against а lot of drugs, but free
base docs, in fact, pack a lot of bad
potential. Depression, ion, par
noia and changes in blood pressure
re well-documented effects. Objective
observers such as Dr. Siegel note that
true psychosis, while a remote pos
sibility with ordinary cocaine use,
genuine risk with free-basi
Some ol the techniques for chem.
ically breaking down coke require the
use of explosive solvents, Although
comedian Richard Pryor denies it, the
police say that he was [ree-basing when
he was horribly burned last June.
While the expense of cocaine has
tended to limit its use and therefore
its abuse, the temptation remains to
experiment with this supercoke that
comes much closer to the demon drug
the Government has always claimed
it to be. Of course, like the boy who
cried wolf, it’s a bit late to suddenly
start declaring, "But this time we
mean it!" It has alw
the capacity of the
the police to prevent people from ob-
ng drugs. The only
ns of controlling any
drug use, the free-base fad included,
would seem to lie in accurately in-
forming the millions of people who
consider it their right to use drugs
privately and recreationally. Common
sense is rarely learned in jail.

age and defuse public demands for

the Federal Government has
ychoactive synthetic
called del

reform,
released a highly p:
substitute. for marijuana
THC. Were there any medical advan
tages to be derived from making
seriously ill patients extraordina igh
on oral THC, the Governments “syn
thetic solution” might make sense, But
studies show THC is medically inferior
to natural marijuana and far more likely
to cause psychic distress. While THC
may function as the Federal Govern-
ments consolation prize, any cancer
patient who has vomited after receiving
chemotherapy knows an oral medication,
such as synthetic THC, just doesn't
make sense,

АСТ was formed to craft and secure
a national solution to this serious public
health problem. We believe the facts
persuasively argue for a fundamental
change in Federal policies. And we be-
lieve both the public and its elected
representatives in Congress will support
reasonable and cogent reforms. But such
reform is possible only if you, the public,
Jends its support to this task. ACT needs
hearts and minds, your time, energy and
financial support. If you would like to
help us in this effort, or if you need help

yourself, please let us know.
Robert C. Randall, President,
ACT

D.C, 20024

AGRICULTURAL IMPORTS
If the value of imported marijuana

and other botanically derived drugs
were applied against our agricultural
exports, the United States would be
classed as a nct importer of agricultural
commodities

Adam Starchild

Mina Consulting Group. Inc.
w York, New York

GREEK AND OTHER TRAGEDIES

Jon К. Evans. in the July Playboy
Forum. quotes Orestes as telling the con
de d Aegisthus of justice by killing.
So we would have less v and then
relies on that pithy dictum to justify
the use of the death. penalty in contem-
porary society.

I haven't read Electra by Sophocles,
in which the quote purportedly appears.
But I did read the Oresteia by Aeschylus,
in which Orestes was placed on trial for
killing Aegisthus and Clytemnesua. It
was through the intervention of Apollo
and Athena and the pla ng of the
Furies that Orestes was spared the death
penalty—thus creating a break in the
cycle of revenge and giving Orestes and
Electra the opportunity to live and ad-
vance beyond the constraints and codes
of their bloody past.

In that context, Aeschylus and, for
that matter, Euripides created tragic

ins.

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PLAYBOY

78

characters with more depth (or hope?)
than Sophocles. Evans’ prescription f
the "removal" of "menace: the
death penalty seems like a fearful and
sophomoric stab at the issue, and hardly
a healthy ng new ways

pproach to find

to create а less violent world. And I do
hope that his students and co-workers at
the Un s Depart

ment of Arts don't stop at
Sophodes or Creek tragedy or academic
actics to learn the difficult but neces
sary lessons on how we can become more

huma

n.

Charles Culhane
(Formerly of Death Row)
Attica, New York

STAMP OUT MENTAL HEALTH
1 recently saw a news item about our
neighbors to the north that touched а
raw nerve. Canada is considering bar-
ring schizophrenics from immigrant
lı seems to ane that because
ia is a broad psychological
term with differing definitions, that kind
of prohibition could be twisted to pre-
vent some pretty harmless individ
from entering Canada, maybe even for
political reasons. But mostly, it speaks
of a longheld bias (in the U.S.A., too)
ainst people who are under or have
had psychological treatment. 1 was near-
ly frozen out of my husband's family
for once referring in polite conversation
to the therapist I had gone to after the
breakup of my first marriage. My pr
vious marriage didn't bother the family
scems they traded in the tradi-
tional bias against divorcees for one
against mental health,
(Name withheld by request)
Columbus, Ohio
You have to remember, nearly every-
body's been divorced but relatively few
contract mental health.

THE LEGAL MIND

The Sexual Law Reporter recently
published the results of a California
that illustrates more fully t
ever the danger of an oral agreement
between a man and a woman, if not ut
ter disparity between d justice.

The case, ultimately decided by the
California Court of Appeal, began as a
court action in which a single woman
sued her lover for nonsupport of a child
she wanted to bear because an impend-
ing operation would leave her sterile.
The couple had had an oral agreement,
betore the baby was born, that released
the father from any responsibility for
the child's welfare. When the child was
born, its mother decided she needed
financial assistance after all; the father
refused and she sued.

Тһе tial court held that the oral
s binding on the mother, but
ihe appeals court decided it was void
because it was based on “an illicit con-

"wa

sideration of meretricious sexual serv-

ices” In other words, any agreement
involving sex makes the sex prostitution,
which, being illegal, cannot become the

basis for a binding legal contract.

My advice to like-minded couples:
Get married, get pregnant and go to
Tijuana for dinner and a divorce
me withheld by request)
Wilmette, Illinois

“In other words, any
agreement involving sex

makes the sex prostitution.”

RIGHT TO BEAR BABIES
Referring to the item in the August
Hilmar б.

Forum Newsfront about
Moore, chairman of the T
Human Resources, and his statement

nts should agree to

1 am originally from the Rosenberg-
Richmond area where Moore resides.
Although | know his is an unpopular
position, he raises an interesting point
The most difficult and the most impor-
tant job in the world, having and raising
a child, can be done by anybody, regard-
less of how ignorant and ill prepared.

Margaret Mead addressed the same
problem with her Stage I-Stage 11 ma
iage concept. The concept, basically,
was that à couple
show that they were capable of raising a
child before they could get a permit to
have one.

Mead caught a lot of flak for her
views. And, at first glance, it does seem
inhumane and totalitarian. But is it as
inhumane as a welfare family having
eight children, or a 13-ycar-old girl being
forced to marry and bear an unwanted
child?

Many people will be upset by this
letter because they feel only the parents
should decide when and if to have
child. However, іп my opinion, l
ing a child is a responsibility,
Пере.

John Grillo
College Station, Texas

‘SELF-DEFENSE

Members of the clergy have long been
our chief custodians of boundless sim-
plicity, but the Reverend Thomas E.
Sagendor's comments (The Playboy
Forum, August) regarding school chil-
dren lend a whole new dimension to the
concept of maiveté and should draw
howls of jealous outrage from other
clerics who didn't think of them first.
If to believe that
a swat on the ass is a wholly inappro-
priate response to a five-year-old calling

me a motherfucker, but Reverend Sa
gendorf sees that little shi
“voiceless and powerless minority." So

as part of a

much for the voiceless.

As to the powerless, I spent. 19 years
teaching high school English in Detroit
and—hang on my words—there is noth
ing whatsoever powerless about a 6
17-year-old, high as а goosed
packing a 38 and looking for new fields
to conquer.

As to the minority, there was one of
35 of them.
til this country rids itself of the
tic policy of mandatory schooling
nts and

3

con.

me for ever
U

id
and puts its thugs, rapists, assail
assorted villains on the streets
they do their work, corporal punish
ment will remain one weapon of self
defense. What truly astonishes me is the
nfrequency of its application.

Russell B. dc Be:

Poway, Californ

where

ucla

а

GUYS AND DOLLS

1 fear the U.S. is becoming
farm. Time reports that the sales of
men's "fragrances" (perfumes) and “skin
care products" (mudpacks) are way up
this year. And check out the fashion
pages of any magazine: pretty, coy-look-
ing men decked out in the latest
fashions. Vogue, they say, even has h
special features devoted exclusively to
men.

peacock

selí.respecting
al man, to worry about the pH
ance of his shampoo or the amount ol
1 groom
ing and dress for men are just common
sense, and it’s time we realized it—before

known a

gernails show. Gi

the admen and the homosexuals take
over.
(Name withheld by request)
Frankfort, Kentucky
OLD SAYING

An item in the San Francisco Chroni
cle reported that “Mount St. Helens.
bly

still spouting steam and ash, prol
h From that descripti
I say to hell with the geologists—send
à doctor! A burning discharge
for alarm, and proof enough that you
don’t fuck around with Mother >
G. T. Holme
Ben Lomond, California
Everyone seems to have forgotten that
"shoot your шай” originally referred 10
firing a musket or a muzzle-loading
cannon.

5 shot its wad

“The Playboy Forum"
opportunity for an extended dialog
between readers and editors of this
pub n on contemporary issues. Ad-
dress all correspondence to The Playboy
Forum, Playboy Building, 919 North
Michigan Avenue, Chicago, Ilinois 60611.

offers the

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PLAYBOY

80

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PLAYBOY INTERVIEW

GEORGE C. SCOTT

a candid conversation with the brilliant, bombastic actor about brawling,
drinking, politics and his memorable roles in “patton” and “the hustler”

When you think of George C. Scott,
the images that come to mind most quick-
ly are those of the volatile, half-cocked
Patton; the impulsive, wise-ass reaction-
ary general, Buck Turgidson, in “Dr.
Strangelove”; the menacing loan sha
Bert in "The Hustler.” In 1977, Scott
played a fictional Ernest Hemingway in
"Islands in the Stream,” a role not sur-
prising for Scott, who himself is a тап
of Hemingwayesque proportions: a
tough, outspoken, fearless, boozing,
brawling, menacing, macho man with a
weakness for women, a sensitivity for
Shakespeare and Arthur Milley and а
broad intelligence. He is a man other
men tell stortes about.

Such as the one a network executive
heard during the making of “Patton.”
When it came time to shoot the scene in
which a mule in the middle of a road
causes an entire regiment to come to a
halt, Scott actually shot the animal, as
Patton was supposed 10 have done.

Scott denies that story, but it's in-
dicative of the that its told,
and often with great relish, for Scott
may be among the last of a breed of men
who claim to place their own freedom

man

“Sadat characterized Khomeini perfectly:
Lunatic. I hope he doesn't have the grace
the shah had. 1 hope he is turned up by
the heels, as Mussolini was turned, and
alive! That's my express hope.”

and independence above career. moves
when philosophical, emotional or politi
cal reasons intervene.

175 been 20 years since George Camp-
bell Scott shook the movie industry when
he informed the Academy of Motion
Picture Arts and Sciences that he wanted
nothing to do with the Oscar nomina-
поп he had received in the supporting-
actor category for his demonic role in
“The Hustler.” Il was the first time іп
the history of the Academy Awards that
an aclor had said if chosen, he would
nol ассері. Scott didn't win that year,
bul he did win nine years later, for best
actor, in his brilliant portrayal of “Pat-
ton.” And, true to his word, he refused
i. That year, he received—and
accepled—an Emmy award for his TV
performance in Arthur Miller's. “The
Price.” It was obvious that George C.
Scott played by his own rules.

Scott learned his bude by acting in
more than 125 plays between 1951 and
1957 in small Midwestern theaters before
breaking through in Joseph Papp's off-
Broadway production of "Richard HL"
It was never easy for Scott. A heavy
drinker with a short fuse, he was dubbed

same

“1 love jokes, 1 love fucking around. I'm
so tired of being looked upon as some
dreary sicko. I really is such a bore.
Most of the stage work Гое done has
been comedic. No one realizes that.”

“The Wild Man of Broadway” after
opening an artery by punching his hand
through a mirror, tearing apart his dress-
ing room and breaking three knuckles in
frustration over a personality conflict
with a co-star.

Nonetheless, his talent could not be
denied, and in 1959 he went to Holly-
wood to appear in "The Hanging Tree"
with Gary Cooper. Following that, Otto
Preminger cast. him as а prosecuting
attorney in “Anatomy of a Murder”

Although he's most commonly recog-
nized for his strong rol he
Husilez/" “Dr. Strangelove” and “Pat-
ton,” Scott has also given same extremely
subtle and often eloquently funny per-
formances, such as the wise and lovable
traveling. Flim-Flam Man and the mad
judge turned. modern-day supersteuth in
“They Might Be Giants.”

He's willing to put himself out on а
limb if he believes in the message of a
film, as he did in Paddy Chayefs
"The Hospital" and in the poorly т
ceived "Hardcore"; but he has also been
willing to take the money and run, as in
such innocuous fare as “Bank Shot,"
“The New Centurions,” “Movie Movie”

s in

© PHOTOGRAPHY BY STEVE SCHAPIRO
"Acting helped me in certain ways. Hurt
me in others. It vescued me from myself.
1 have a lot of self-hatred. Acting didn't
cause it. Acting is, in some sense, a relief
of that pressure.”

81

PLAYBOY

£2

and “The Changeling.”

Yet, while the public knows him most-
ly for his movies and television dramas
(“The Price” “The Power the
ry," "Jane Eyre," "Fear on Trial,”
“Beauty and the Beast"), Scott's finest
acting has occurred on the stage. He has
electrified audiences in such plays as
"Desire Under the Elms,’ “The Little
Foxes," “Plata Suite," “Uncle Vanya”
and "Sly Fox." His portrayal of Willy
Loman in “Death of a Salesman” (which
he also directed) stunned the critics.

соп was born in 1927 in Wise, Vir-
ginia. His mother died when he was
eight and his family life was unsettled
until he left home to join the Marines
іп 1945, He had visions of raising hell
in the Pacific, but he never gol there.
He spent most of his four enlisted years
teaching a correspondence course in cre-
alive writing and performing ceremonial
burials at Arlington National Cemetery.

When he got out, he enrolled in the
University of Missouri School of Jour-
nalism, One course away from graduat-
ing, he left school to become a staff actor
for the Stephens College Playhouse in
Columbia, Missouri. Acting came nat-
wally to him. During the summer of
1951, he met and married Carolyn
Hughes, an actress, with whom he had a
daughter. He held various jobs for the
next six years but couldn't get the the-
ater out of his blood. By 1957, he was in
New York with wife number two, actress
Pat Reed, and the lead in “Richard IH.”

Scott's search for comfort and compati-
bility has led him to lake marriage vows
five times. He had had two sons with his
second wife when he fell in love with
his costar in “Children of Darkness,"
Colleen Dewhurst, who was also married
at the time. They divorced, married cach
other and had two children (altogether,
Scott is the father of six). Frustrated by
the lock hold of New York impresarios,
they decided to form their own Theater
of Michigan, investing a considerable
amount of their own money and failing
after only two productions. Then, dur-
ing the making of John Huston's “The
Bible,” Scott met and apparently fell in
loue with Ava Gardner, whom he pur-
sued to London and to Beverly Hills,
and to whom he reportedly proposed
marriage. He wound up with egg on his
Jace, as his marriage lo Colleen dissolved

and

and the movie industry turned a cold
shoulder to hin.

Eventually, he and Colleen remarried;
but when Scott went to Spain for his role
in "The Last Run,” he met a young
actress named Trish Van Devere. Once
again, he was stricken. Once again, he
and Colleen divorced; and Scolt married
Trish in 1972.

Although their cight-year marriage has

often been turbulent, Scott and Trish
are still together. They have appeared
in six films, none of which has been par-
ticularly successful, and are currently
starring on Broadway in “Tricks of the
Trade.” Their most notable venture was
taking on the movic-distribution system
for “The Savage Is Loose,” which Scott
produced, directed and acted in and
which he sold outright to theater owners.
1 was a critical and box-office disaster
in which the Scotts had invested millions.

George and Trish live in Greenwich,
Connecticut, on H acres of rolling, ver-
dant land, where they have four horses,
two dogs and two Jaguars in the garage
They also recently purchased a home in
Beverly Hills

To find out about this tempesinous,
formidable man, viavwoy sent. Contrib:
uting Editor Lawrence Grobel (who had
previously taken on Marlon Brando, Al
Pacino and Barbra Streisand for us) first
to Beverly Hills and then to Connecticut.
Grobel's report:

“When Scott answered the door to his
Beverly Hills home, he was wearing

د
“Тое been called a bravura‏
actor all my life. I assume‏
that is опе notch below‏
a scenery chewer."‏
—

glasses, an old beige sweater pushed up
past the elbows and herringbone slacks
and brown boots. I noticed that he had
been drinking and there was a look of
angry impatience in his eyes, like that of
a man who had consented to talk and
now [elt trapped.

“We sat outside at a redwood table.
He put on his tape recorder, I, mine,
and we began immediately. Scotl was all
business and no small talk. In five hours,
he consumed a pitcher of bloody marys,
a few shots of hard liquor and two beer
chasers. His initial answers were brief
and guarded and I felt a wide gap be-
tween emotion and response, though he
did flare up when 1 suggested that his
behavior might once have adversely af-
fected two co-workers. Mostly, though,
he spoke in a sojt, polite voice. 1 knew
that if 1 were to gain any insight into
him, I'd have to get him in more familiar
surroundings; so [ arranged to fly to his
home in Connecticut the following week
10 resume the interview.

“Scott's Greenwich home is only 45
minutes from Manhattan. There is a
stone gate and a bridge at the entrance
and a long driveway to the house. We

rë

sal in a room off the living room, with a
magnificent view of the blooming
leas, blossoming trees and green grounds.
We spoke and drank for five hours, tak-
ing only one break to go for a walk.

“Trish was at home most of the lime
Twas there, but she never joined us dur-
ing our talks. Once, she interrupted us
to show me a bird nesting in a tree ont-
side the kitchen window. She seemed
friendly and che;

“Our last session. took place two
months later, back in Beverly Hills. Scott
looked much better—he had lost ten
pounds, given up booze and red meat
and was taking vilamin pills from the
dozen bottles on the coffee table. He was
in a good mood, which, I suspected. had
something lo do with the fact that it was
our last taping.”

PlAYBOY: Why are people so afraid of
you?

scott: I have no idea.
PLAYBOY: But are you aw

е that they

scott: I've heard that said

PLAYBOY: Mike Nichols said it to calm
Maureen Stapleton, who admitted. her
terror of you du sals of Plaza.
Suite. "My dear,” . "the whole
world is f
SCOTT: Mike Nichols is a funn
PLAYBOY: Julie Christie also was reported-
ly on edge before acting with you in
Uncle Vanya,

SCOTI: Adored her. 1 worked with her in
the uh nd in film and I tried to get
her into The Formula, lor Christ's sake.
I love her.

PLAYBOY: But why do they have such
fear? Is it because they know you only
through acting, which is often volcanic?
SCOTT: What is that favorite word they
use for me, besides bombastic? Bravura.
Ive been called a bravura actor all my
life. 1 assume that is one notch below a
chewer. I think I'm as subtle an

see

actor as anyone around, but you get
labeled. A couple of plays 1 did years
ago got it started. I played sick people,
psychopaths, and it helped create an

aura that
nything else that has c
bout me.

PLAYBOY: Such as the writer who watched
you toss chairs in

than

d like
ims in Gr

look:

and said yo
Tossed cha
er's boyfriend out of a bar in
; 1 remember that. The son of
pig and 1 threw him out

nada? I once

of the ba
PLAYBOY: Didn't you also once punch out

а press agent named Thurston?

scot: Wait a minute. I didn't know the
guy was a PR guy. Was he Pi
PLAYBOY: Apparently. You had to be

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PLAYBOY

B6

ELSE IS DRINKING THESE DAYS?

Sure, in school I drank beer. Because
everyone else drank beer. Crushing the cans
was real important, too. And then there
was what I call my "wine phase." You know,
wine with everything. And everyone.

The funny thing is, there are still people
out there who order what everyone else
orders. That's fine with me... but ГЇЇ have an
I.W. Harper. Because the only “smart” thing
to order is what you like.

So, like I said, I have no idea what
everyone's drinking these days. Except me
anda few friends,

Т.У. HARPER.

WHEN YOU KNOW WHAT YOU LIKE.

B6 proof Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey. © 1980, I.W. Harper Distilling Company, Louisville, Kentucky.

handcuffed by the police and taken to
jail. Do you remember thai?

SCOTT: Oh, yeah, I remember I hit a guy
one night and went to jail. Sure,

PLAYBOY: Do you remember why you hit

No, I have no idea
PLAYBOY: How does it feel to be told of
such things and have no memory of

SCOTT: Scary. I'm very careful now.
PLAYEOY: Do you ever think that in any
of your past rages you might have really

hurt someone?
scor: Yes. I've thought about it a lot, I
really have.

PLAYBOY: Was it safer to have been so
drunk that you don't remember those
times?

SCOTT: Thats a very safe way to be. It
can hurt a lot less. That was a long time
ago. І don't do that sort of thing now
Very little; very little. I've got more
sense. Also, I'm 53 years old. Га get the
shit kicked out of me.

PLAYBOY: How many times have you had
your nose broken?

SCOTT: Four or five.

PLAYEOY: Then we'll ask these questions
gently. How do you feel about being
asked questions?

SCOTT: | find it unpleasant. It's very
often difficult to express one's real feel
ings. Sometimes you don't even have а
des
you can, but there arc а lot of subjects
you don't want to go into or won't go
into. So often you find yourself dealing
with scandalmongers. 1 doubt very much
that VI read this interview.

PLAYBOY: Thats hard to believe.

сот I don’t know what can come out
of it. Irs like reading a notice. I don't
see that you can come out too good
You're going to be disappointed, you're
going to be hurt, you're going to fecl
that you've been fucked. You have to:
it's a natural thing. And you're going to
hate the guy who wrote it

PLAYBOY: What a way to start——

SCOTT: It's just going to be bad feelings
all the way around. So why put yourself
in that position?

PLAYBOY: We're forewarned. However,
you do understand that there are some
areas that may be uncomfortable to you
but tl 'd like to discuss.

SCOTT: I'm used to that. 1 don't promise
ГИ answer them.

PLAYBOY: Your wife said that when you
do interview ^t know who you
are. She said you lose the person you are
and become a bombastic ca
you feel that way?

SCOTT: That's truc. I don't think I'm my-
sell. One becomes very wary over a pa
od of years, I've been n
PLAYBOY: You've got a home in Beverly
Hills and an estate in Connecticut, сх-
pensive cars in both garages, a stable of

e to and you try to be as honest as

he doe:

icature. Do

isquoted a lot.

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PLAYBOY

88

horses, all of which you've carned from
ting. and yet you have an image as an
unstable, angry actor. You even discour
age young people [rom entering the pro:

fession. Why?
SCOTT: Because it can be a very. very
psychologically damaging way to make a

living. The rewards аге very high and
the drawbacks are extreme.

PLAYBOY: Would you elaborate on the
psychological damages?

SCOTT: Some people think, for va
reasons, they're іп on a pass and they
dont deserve to be there. It
tremendous psychological disturba
We've all had ‘em to certain degr
‘The ones who have suffered and died
from them are the ones who have had
them so acutely that they couldn't cope.
Those are the really sad cases. There's a
high mortality rate іп this business.
Literally. It's always been one of the sad
things about it.

PLAYBOY: Do such feelings lead to guilt
or regret about being an actor?

SCOTI: 1 have no incrimination or guilt
or regret about my professional career.
None whatsoever. I don't feel I owe
anybody a fucking thing. I've worked
very hard all my life. I don't owe any-
body.

PLAYBOY: You de
does, that actin
ness in actors?
scort: 1 dont think there is anything
childish about. acting. Из an extremely
adult. profession. Гус always disputed
the fact that actors litle children
and have to be coddled. I don't agree
with that at all.

PLAYBOY: You once said that actors be-
long to the oldest racial minority.

scort: [Laughs] Yeah, that sounds like
me. It's wue, we arc a dreadful minority.
al is a misconnotation, but for hu
dreds of years, actors were no better th.
gypsies or mountebanks. You know, one
cut above whores, and sometimes not
even that big a cut. 105 very easy to
unde id the plight of ethnic minori-
ties, having been an actor.

PLAYBOY: And yet you've often said that
if you hadn't been an actor, you'd have
been a madman.

SCOTT: Yeah, it helped me in certain ways.
Hurt me in others. It rescued
myself to a large extent. 1 have
sel hatred. Acting didn't cause it. Acting
in some sense, a rclief of that pressui
PLAYBOY: But you've never felt that act-
ing has been a form of self-expression for
you, have you?

ѕсотт: No, not for me It’s a for

us

leads to

ces.

feel Mike Nichols
brings out the childish-

n of

release. That's as far as ] can go.
PLAYBOY: Marlon Brando boiled it all
down to money. Are vou as cynical as he

in that regar
scott: I don't know how cynical he is. I
don't know how much he puts people on.
1 have a feeling, like so many of us, the

old tongue is in the old cheek there. I
Yt believe that he's s cynical
s he'd like us to believe. As for me, 1
cthing for money that I
can't reasonably live with. because it’s
agony
PLAYBOY: Do you think actors are rc-
spected now. or are they still second-
class citizens?
SCOTI: Theyre worshiped and adored
and held in awe. but ] don't think neces-
sarily respected. no.

PLAYBOY: Are these the reasons you've
had for discouraging your own children
from becoming actors:

ear]

won't do soi

ѕсотт. 1 did for a while. J gave that up.
PLAYBOY: Didn't you have a falling out
with you ghter Devon after she

made the decision to be an actress?
SCOTT: She's the onc 1 had the great diffi
culty with, yeah. И became so severe
that we didn’t speak for and a
hall. It was а very, very tunate
Finally, we came 10 our
senses and stopped that nonsense. I
id. "Do what you want to do, 1 quit.”
1 got oft her case.

s she still acting:
SCOTT: She's not in it right now. My

——
“They literally murdered
Elvis Presley. The poor
bastard. You shouldn't die
on your bathroom floor
at the age of #2.”

el

younger son Campbell and my older son

Matthew are interested. But. happily.
they're both still
PLAYBOY: Will y

n college.
u help cither of them i
interest continues after they gra

[UT
uate?
scorr No.
PLAYBOY:
SCOTT: No.

PLAYBOY: Not even a contact? A phone
call?

SCOTI: No. Nothing. No.
PLAYBOY: Your publicist's phone numb
SCOTT: Absolutely not. No.

PLAYBOY: Isn't that a bit cruel?

scott: No, it doesn't seem Cruel at all

e.

ot at all?

to
PLAYBOY: You
own knocks?

want them to take their

scort: The quicker the bener. 1 have a
deep resentment of those who do help
„but I

their children. Maybe that’s unfair
do. That's the w
PLAYBOY: Are you close to
children?

SCOTI: I haven't been from

but all six of them I'm close to. They're
all damn near grown-up people now.
"The youngest is 19.

PLAYBOY: Did you instill y

r values in

th
scott: Over a period of time, having
gone through so many marriages and

deserted so many childre

over a period
ppily (unhappily
missed that kind of thing. I am probably
the luckiest and most undeserving father
who ever lived. I've always provided
very well for my children economically,
but that’s about all.
PLAYBOY: So your children’s attitudes dit-
fer from your own?
scort: Oh, my God, they
different, all of th
PLAYBOY: How difficult is it, do vou think.
being the children of George C. Scott
SCOTI: I'm sure it’s been bloody uncom-
fortable for all of them for a number of
years at some brevity
with two of them at different times and
they don't like to talk about it too much.
an sec that it |
at all. Even when they were
small children.
PLAYBOY: Did they get into many fight
scott: One of them does a lot, But that’s
his nature, scc. He doesn't take shit from
anybody. It’s caused him a great deal of
difficulty.
PLAYBOY: There are some children of
stars who seem to have grown up sanely,
but do you feel that most of those who
attempt to follow in the footsteps
famous parent get screwed up along the
way?
SCOTI: I think they do. The scale is bal-
anced a little on that side. It isn't a
question of success or nonsuccess. It's a
question of how much scar tissue is in-
volved. Look in their heart, in the way
they look at life, at their personal lives.
That's what I'm talking about. You can
be the biggest sta the world
very successful and blow your brains out
What's the best exam-
ink of in recent show

ire profoundly

Eve discussed

iot been easy

a

tomorrow
ple that you can th
business history?
PLAYBOY: Probably Elvis Presley.

scor: They literally murdered the man.
The poor bastard. He had guns, shot
the television set, dropped this and that.

You shouldn't die on your bathroom
1 the age of 42. He was murdered.
5 why, when you 1 е talk,

sometimes 1 sound depressive about the

Look at Gig Young. | loved
ot a sweeter man would you
nt to ld. Blew
his fucking wife's bra
brains ош. There's
one of the classics

ny others.
Torn.

ж

star Шап ] have bei
bia, for CI

ag shah of
ist’s sake. Хо way is that

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PLAYBOY

fragile psyche going to be able to hold
that. The assault is и»
©

100 extreme

the curse of the actor to continue
question how important he really is out
side his own
PLAYBOY: It's
worry about
good, isn't i?
Scori: Certainly, actors worry about that.
They worry about losing their mem-
ory. They worry about losing their looks.
You worry about getting older. Every-
body worries about these things. though
it may be slightly accentuated іп the
actor
so you can't function, then you're in
trouble

PLAYBOY: Do you also suffer from a fear
of Failure?

scort: 1 think fear of lailu
thing. It dogs us all. The fear of being
rejected or misunderstood is somethi
I'm no different.
L have a favorite joke I say to myself

arrow scope
the

whether or

also actors curse to

not he's any

If you become psychotic about it

e is a terrible

that we all suffer from.

1 could have been a respectable stone-

son. That's half joking and hall seri-
А lot of the things I say are half
joking and half serious. A lot of them
dumb. but theres generally
a core of truth somewhere in them.
PLAYBOY: Would you have suffered as
much as a stonemason?
scott: Not if 1 had the same ability as
a stonemason that I have as an actor. I

ous,

are too,

think T would have suffered consider-

ably less.
PLAYBOY: Arthur Hiller, who di
Hospital, has said that
way, you'd like to be th
es

ected The

you had your

= world's gr

character actor and

be relatively
anonymous.

scott: I certainly subscribe to i
anonymity as possible. I have never had
amy great burning desire to reveal my
self to the world through acting. 1 have
a decided interest in revealing the audi-
1 think
I'm not inter
the world's greatest any-
I'm certainly not interested in

much

ence to itself through character
that’s the essence of art
ested in bein
thing

being the world’s greatest asshole. 1
would like to have been, lets say. a
very good actor. I've always been a

character actor, even w

hen 1 was young
I was never
So that's bee
PLAYBOY:

leading-man type, never
1 my lot
Accordi.

to Tammy Grimes,
who was at the Stephens College Play-
house in Missouri with you in the
you always knew
great actor. Is that uue:
SCOTT: I had a great sense of confidence
about it. Always have, from the minute
1 started. The best way to describe it
is if you're turning a safe combination
lock and the tumblers click and you say,
“Oh, yeah, the safe is going to open.
PLAYBOY: Is that feeling still with you?

сапу

Fifties, be a

you'd

scot: | would say it has been dulled.
Yeah. dulled

PLAYBOY: Why?
sco: I dont
me as they once did. I attribute that

think those fires burn in

to middle age.
PLAYBOY: Where you feel the tensions of
both ends of the cycle?

SCOTT: 1t has more pluses than minuses.

PLAYBOY: Have you made a kind of
peace with уошзей?
SCOTT: Much more so. You're in agony

only ten hours a day instead of
PLAYBOY: Let's go back to that agony of
youth, when you first decided to become
an actor. You were in journalism school

at the time and had only two hours to
complete to graduate, right?

sco: Thats true. One semester, onc
course
PLAYBOY. Which you never completed
Why?
SCOTI. | got interested in theater, 1
never looked back. I realized that I

wasn't a very good. journalist

1 rejected
people's lives.
It was pain-

intruding myself on оше
1 found it very distasteful
ful.

PLAYBOY:
estimate you

How many plays would you
in before you got
your break in Joe Papp's Richard HI?
scott; Between 1951 and 1957, I did
something like 125 plays.

PLAYBOY: Were any of them memorable?

were

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SCOTT: All of them were garbage.
PLAYBOY: Yet you did win an award in
1954 that brought you to Hollywe
for the first time, didn't you?
SCOTT: That was when I won the famous
East of Eden award, which, of course,
turned out to be nothing. [Laughs] Solly
Baiano was, at that time, head casting
man for Warner Bros. and he made
some half-assed tour of stock companies,
giving out this award that had no sub-
stance to it. For some reason, I won it.
On the strength of that, | beat it out
10 Hollywood and they didn't know who
the fuck D was. 1 didn't get in the door
So I hung around there for about six
months.
PLAYBOY: Bitter experience?
SCOTT: It was unpleasant. I was а little
pissed.
PLAYBOY: So. after a seven-year appre
ticeship, you finally got your shor in
Papp's production of Richard 1H in
cino was 17 when he saw
you in that and he said he never saw
anything like it. Is Shakespeare more
difficult for an actor than contemporary
playwrights?
scott: Many actors get incredibly self-
conscious doing Shakespeare, but I've
found that it’s the easiest stuff in the
world to act, because it's so supportive.
MI you've got to do is get on the train
and ride. АШ you're trying 10 do is
make it human and natural and not
stagy or pretentious. Muke it real. Jesus,
the rest of the game is all over—you've
gol to win. The guy's so fantastic that
the material will literally carry you.
PLAYBOY: What's your favorite Shake-
spearean rol
scott: I very much enjoyed doing Shy-
lock. It's an extremely cleanly written
part. There's no fat at all. Very beau-
tifully written. And it’s «o progressive
PLAYBO © there any roles you'd like
to do today—Lear, Othello t
SCOT: I've never had any interest in
Lear but have been asked a number of
times to do it. Or Othello. The only
thing I'd like to do is Macbeth, before
1 get too old to do it. 1 may be too old
now. It takes an enormous amount of
energy and strength to do i
PLAYBOY: Who arc some of the more
contemporary playwrights you like?
SCOTI: І was very fond of Giraudoux and
of Anouilh. They could turn a phrase
or two. Miller I've always admired.
PLAYBOY: Tennessee Williams?
Scor He's a beautiful writer, а great
poet of the theater. Whether hc still
has anything to say, I don't know.
PLAYBOY: Your first film break was being
cast in Ouo Preminger's Anatomy of a
Murder, wasn't it?
SCOTT: That was the biggest break I eve
ot. And it was followed by The Hustler,
so it was а kind of very good one-two

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PLAYBOY

combination
cnormously.
PLAYBOY: You wcre nominated for an
Oscar for your performance in Anatomy.
Would you have accepted it had you
won?

SCOTI: Yes, I really wanted it. 1 became
ious and I didn't like that in myself
It wasn't that I didn't win. I felt that
way before. When it was over. I said, I'm
never going to allow myself to be put
in that position again. of wanting some-
thing like that, just for what it was.
PLAYBOY: Still, the accolades did come
SCOTT: That's one thing: but wanting
them is something else Wanting them
is a whole differ ball game. And
being uptight а erable because
somebody else got a part that I wanted—
ars of that and you're
the loony bin. It's no way to live
PLAYBOY: You were nominated again for
your role in The Hustler. Do you con-
sider that one of your better perlorm-
ances?

SCOTT: Not particularly, no. I thought
the work was certainly acceptable. И
was so well directed by Bob Rossen and
so well edited by Dede Allen, who is
about the best editor alive, that I
thought it was a very well-puttogether
film.

PLAYBOY: When you talked earlier about
being a subtle actor, did you have in
mind your role in The Hustler?

scom, That was the whole iden. To un-
derdo it. Restrained.
PLAYBOY: You never
until the end-
SCOT: That one line.

PLAYBOY: "You owe me money!
g moment. [s it true that
ted you to whisper it?
Thats correct. We argued about
couple of days. He wanted me
to play it both ways and I wouldn't. I
knew he wouldn't print it. He would
print it his way and not my way and I
refused. He got very angry with m
PLAYBOY: Why did you want to shout it?
SCOT: I just had a feeling. ‘The scene
had flattened out and was going to be
dead and it was the most important
scene in the film, e it was the cli-
max, and I just hung in there. He finally
gave up and did it my way. 1 don't think
he ever regretted it, frankly.

PLAYBOY: What did you tl
Newman's регіо
SCOTT: І thought it was perfectly average.
L hope he doesn't race his car down
here and kill me; but 1 didn't think it
was larly unusual performance.
I've never thought that Paul was a par-
ticularly good actor. He's onc of the
sweet people of the world, an excellent
producer. But I've never been a Paul
Newman fan as far as acting goes. The
only th ever done I really
thought lass was Hud. It was

that helped my career

sed your voice

А fright-
Rossen

k of Paul

a superb piece of acting. one of the
very few times he played an out-and-out
heavy. and he was marvelous. There was
nothing of the old manneristic Paul
Newman in there. Paul should have won
the Academy Award for Hud. It was a
world-class performance

PLAYBOY: That's what many people felt
about your work in The Hustler. How
trivial for you to discuss the Oscars?

ѕсотт: Just as trivial as any of the rest
of those horrible old clichés.

PLAYBOY: Well, we could move on to
something else and come back to it

latcr—sort of sneak up on you
SCOTT: Ask me now. Get it over with, lor
Christ's sake!

PLAYBOY: АП right. Were you surprised
10 get the Oscar for Patton alter announc-
ing you wouldn't accept
SCOTT: | was very s ed. Fery sur-
prised. I never thought it would happen.
PLAYBOY. Your beef against the award
was that it required wheeling and deal-
ing, advertising, solicitation, phone calls,
telegrams. threats and bribes. But you
proved yourself wrong. didn’t you?

scort: That's right. Thats why I was

"I thought Paul Newman’s
performance in ‘The
Hustler was perfectly

average. I hope he doesn't

vace his car down here and
hill me."

surprised. You know, the Academy
Awards used to be a lovely occasion,
Everybody would meet and have dinner
and a few drinks around a few tables
and that was that. It was an айа
ly within the indusay and, hell, there's
nothing wrong with that. It's when they
get so fired up and pyrotechnical about
it. And it’s that whole thing of someone
beuer than somebody else. It's all ridic-
ulous. Гус been nominated four times,
nd Гуе always been very proud that
Ive been nominated. Theres nothing
wrong with that. Its the bullshit that
starts from then on thats so awful. It
throws colleagues into competitiveness.
1 really dislike that. People advertise
nd bullshit and it gocs on lor months
1 months. It’s like the Presidential
ndidacy. It’s endless.

PLAYBOY: Since Pallon was released a
year before the nominations, why did
you wait until after the nominations to
announce you wanted no part of them?
scott: I didn't say anything, in fact. I
didn't say anything when I was nomi-
nated the year after that for The Hos-

soc

pilal. 1 stopped saying anything.

You mean you didn't say you
would refuse it if you got iè

Scom. No. When I was nominated, Т
nt my 328 form telegram
lemy tlemen, I under-
dida, in the words of Sam
. include me the fuck out, very
yours, George С. Asshole
Thats what I said the first time, that's
t E said the last time.

PLAYBOY: But they apparently decided
to include you
scott: Thats their problem, not mine.
It’s their ball game. I just wrote the
note. I didn't do what Marlon did. I
didn't w until I won the fucking
thing and tell them to jam it up their
ass, which I think is r As much as I
like Marlon. I still th it was rude
PLAYBOY: Brando did hav olive be-
hind his actions, though: He wanted to
put an Ind before the world's largest
TV audience.
SCOTI: | think he was wrong. The im-
portant thing is, once 1 got the nomi-
nation, | made it perfectly clear that
should I win the award, | would not
accept it. I thought that was the honor-
able way to go. I don't think it’s right
to lurk around in the background and
go through the song and dance and
then, alter they've given the fucking
thing to you. tell them to stick it up
their ass. That's bloody rude. I didn't
think J was rude. I put it out very c
fully in a telegram, and only to the
Academy. I never put it
1 never called the press, | never did any
of that horsesh
PLAYBOY: Did you watch it on televi:
SCOTI: Sure, I watched it.

PLAYBOY: Do your feelings toward the
demy Awards extend to all awards?
scott: By and large. all awards are un-
also think hday cakes
y- P dislike empty cere-
попу. specifically: 1 dislike the
paigning. the advertising, the jock
eying for position. the sweating on the
aisle and all of that horseshit. 1 find it
undignified, immature and selkaggran.

п the papers,

n?

necessary. I

arc

dizing. Now. that's the plainest 1 can
fucking put it. And Е hope nobody ever
asks me again!

PLAYBOY: The same year you turned

down the Oscar, you accepted the Emmy
lor The Price. Since that was also a tele-
vised event, why did you accept?

SCOTI: I caused so much static about. the
Academy Award, Jesus Christ, I couldn't
go anywhere, I couldn't say anything
everybody was talking. 1 just said to
myself, Just keep your fucking mouth
shut, stay out of it So I said to Jack
Cassidy, who was one of my dearest
friends, who was also nominated for an
Emmy, m not going to the fucking
banquet. I know you and Shirley are
going. I I should win one of the fucking

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PLAYBOY

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things, accept it for me, will you, as
graciously as possible, and get the fuck
off." He says. "I hope you don't win it
you prick. I hope I win it.” I said, “Fine,
I hope you win it, too." I directed him
in [a remake of] The Andersonville
Trial and that's what he was nominated

for. So, of course, 1 won. He got up and
Hc
“Here I am, accepting for the schmuck,
and I wish I was up here for myself.”
It was a lovely speech. The loss of Jack
was a terrible blow We
quite close.
PLAYBOY: Well, now that we've gotten the
Oscars out of the way, let's talk about
the picture that created the situation in
the first place. Is it true you were dis
appointed with Patton?
SCOTT: Miscrable doing it.
PLAYBOY: You've said it was
misapprehension of
that he was badly used.
SCOTI: Yes, I still feel that. I don't think
he should have been characterized as the

made a marvelous speech. said,

to mc. were

a dreadful

who Panon was,

in:

ne show-off that 20th Century-Fox
wanted to make him—which I resisted
down the line. They went for the “oby.”
There is a comedy phrase, Never go for
the oby. Well, they did. There was a lot
of sweat and tears to get what humanity
we could into the damn thing. I tried
desperately to get away from the two-
gun, shoot'em-up, Killkillkill image,
because there was more to the man than
that. That was only one aspect of the
man. They seemed to love the bullshit.
They kept wanting to go for the bul
toon. I kept wying to pull back.

PLAYBOY: Didn't you thre: to walk
out on one of the rewritten scripts?

SCOTT: I did walk on one script. They
came back with
"I won't do it.” Essent
10 Coppola.

PLAYBOY: Did you add much to the script
yourself?

SCOTI: God knows, I tried. [Laughs] 1 re
member

en

a revision and 1 said,

ally, we got back

nding out 1l pages and өші»
mittis
Ce
wrote a whole treatise on this one time
for a book on war pictures. The writer
gave me his word that whatever 1 wrote
would be quoted in the book in its en
tirety. OL course, he didn't do it. He just
chopped it up and took out certain
things. 1 must have written several thou-
sand words on the making of that movie.
Someday I'm going to get it published
somewhere. It says everything 1 had to
say about the making of that picture
PLAYBOY: Did you identify much with
Patton?

scott: No. І liked him, but I did not
identify personally with the man at all. 1
think I know him as well as anybody
I never met him, obviously. 1 feel that I
have a personal relationship. Politically,

them and they were rejected,

n scenes were Hatly miswriuen. 1

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ly, he was neglected by his super
should e been a
own decisions. He w:
in that
fortu;

not imbalanced
d ihing that those

Ie

as it should hı been
was not

PLAYBOY: His voice, through you in that

SCOTT: mazing how m
speech yed as a motivatioi
People have told me they use that for

executive sales n

tings or sales teams;
college coaches use it, high school
coaches. It's insane, but they really dig it
PLAYBOY: It was a risky decision to open
the film that way, just you and a screen-
filling American flag behind you.

scot: Very risky for them and Гус
always admired the company for not tak-
g it out. lt was a composite of a nu
т of speeches made over the years.
was well done by Coppola and it worked.
Worked like hell. It still works.

PLAYBOY: How many takes were made?
SCOTT: We did it in two takes and all
we did was shilt camera angle. | was
very prepared

PLAYBOY: W you unhappy with Karl
Malden's portrayal of General Bradle:
SCOTT: Yes. He never really did anything
but smile. Here are these marvelous
moments where we were losing casualties
all over the fucking place and there
miley. I never said it to Karl, be-
cause La him. But 1 thought some-
thing should have Беси done.
PLAYBOY: Considering the world sit
tion today. would you like to see Patton
und now?

SCOTT: Given the fact th
30 years off of him, P.
inspiration tod:
PLAYBOY: He certainly seemed to h:
been to Nixon, who reportedly reran
the movie quite ofte aking his
decision to bomb C . What did
you think when you heard about th
scort: I'm always happy when anybody
sees any of my pictures. I had no leding
about it one way or the other

PLAYBOY: Had Patton gotten his way
regarding the Russians, how much dil-
ferent would the world be toda
SCOTT: A lot different.

PLAYBOY: Better?

SCOTT: Sure, no question about it. The
Cold War may not ever have ensued.
And the Cold W: the beginning
of everything we're sitting in the middle
of now.

PLAYBOY: What did you most admire
about Pattonz

SCOTT: Many
honor, country,
stilled in those men. The most adn

was old

t we could take
ton would be an

mirable qualitic
nd so forth, w

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101

PLAYBOY

102

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Lege Ghent
[3 T9

v to inflict
hich, brought down to the
nal level. i

c only reason

any soldier should n my est

tion. For instance.

first son ol a bitch who c

mobile warfare is so profound and so
advanced. If you don't bel
Goddari, read Rommel. +
dmired.

e me, read
«d

anybody

nder the
bility to strike
‚го keep the enemy off
alance, to not bec 1
sell. is absolutely, i bly profound
in the science of military warlare! Few
people have that quality. Aud he had it
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man of honor, d
and those are adm
PLAYBOY: What
hated about him?

scort: I didn't hate anything about him
I disapproved and disliked his lam
boyance and his need to cultivate per
nal publicity. He actually curried it
here was nothing he wouldn't do to
get his name in the fucki ber. to
suck after his superiors to get medals or
anything. He was blatant about that
But the combination in the man was so
interesting. He had such myriad quali-
ties. AIL 1 wanted to do was as rounded
a portrayal as T possibly could.

PLAYBOY: H you to classify your film
performances. would you consider Pat
Jon one of those for which you'll be
most remembered?

SCOTT: I don
much 1
he stow 1 really don't

PLAYBOY: You do consider it a good
movie, the

your-

bout the things you

ow. E don't know how
n himsell or what

inly seemed acceptable, ГИ

go that
PLAYBOY: Arc there
today whom y

any military men

PLAYBOY: Spca
your opinion of

п. but, Jesus.
jectuality. 1
Islands. in thc
Stream. five years ago, David Hemmings.
my British friend, said. “You know who's
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^ I said, “Who?” He
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you limey fuck.” I had literally never

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PLAYBOY

104

A
Note Of
Interest To

PLAY BOY
Subscribers

Periodically, PLAYBOY supplies carefully screened or-
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subscribers. Most subscribers enjoy receiving mail of this
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ing label, if available) to:

Terry Mason
PLAYBOY MAGAZINE
919 N. Michigan Avenue
Chicago, IL 60611

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heard of Jimmy Carter and T accounted
myself some sort of half-assed
creature. And, sure as smoke, on he came.
Consumed the Democratic Panty, con-
sumed the primaries, consumed the con

- and the Presidency! To this
I don't know how he did it. He

|. 1 don't believe
he has been capable. He has the best
interest at heart, but ability is not meas-
ured by good intentions. He made de-
plorable mist
PLAYBOY: This interview will come out
just as the voters are going to the polls,
зо there's no way of knowing now
whether or not John Anderson has had
any effect and thrown the election into
the House of Representatives. Do you
have an opinion on that scenario?
SCOTT: ОҚ, he throws it to thc House of
Representatives. It goes back to the
Democrats, doesn't it? W Ш stroking,
the same dick here. It’s crazy. It doesn’t
make sense. I probably would have vot-
ed for Mr. Anderson had he not pulled
that number appearing with Kennedy
That leaves Reagan. His record as
governor of California was not such a
bad one. My feeling is that he would
really attack the problem that is killing
us today. and that’s inflation. Mr
ter doesn't seem to be able to handle it
IL. If we get to the point where the
dollar is worth the almighty
ht as well cash the

we
whole thing anyway, because nothing's
going to last. Inflation is the strongest
and most ominous enemy we have. Lick
ing the energy problem is the second one
and maintaining some sort of credibility
and strength in the world is the third.
PLAYBOY: Have you ever actively cum-
paigned for or endorsed a candids
SCOTT: I've always had a terrible ranting
within myself about that sort of thing
Many people disagree with me, many of
my colleagues feel that you're a citizen
and should stand up and be counted
Гуе always had very strange feelings
about that, that йу an exploitation of
a kind of celebrity. | don't approve ol it
d, therefore, 1 can't bring mysel to
do it. І think it’s a misuse ol lunds—
a misappropriation of funds, You're get-
ting sudden nourishment from the public
and you're channeling it in а direc
tion that may not be moral. Every time
I get close to doing something like that,
L хау, You know you're not going to be
able to do that, you're going to get а
very uneasy feeling in your lower back
and it's going to stink and youll be
embarrassed and you're going to fe
sell-contempt and pass. Who the hell am
I to be telling whomever whom to
vote for? I've no business telling any
body that.

PLAYBOY: Didn't you once vote for

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soluble vitamins during stress is a well-
accepted practice among the medical 105

SUPER AVILYN:

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© 1980 ТОК Electronics Comp... Garden City, N.Y. 11530

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{ST DI.

The Vision of the Future

SCOTT: Just the first time, not the second
PLAYBOY: Would you like to see him
handling foreign policy tod.
SCOTT: His foreign policy was as close to
being

a long tim

plus as anybody's we've had in
He certainly could cook
with those turkeys. Our problem with
Mr. Carter is that he can't cook,

PLAYBOY: Do you think Reagan would
be tougher with the Russians than
Carter

SCOTT: I don't think there's anybody who
couldn't be. 1 have no brief aj

Soviet Union, as long as th

to dominate everything. for

sake. I believe in detente, in getting
along,
thermonuclear warfare. On the otl

п not destroying the world with

hand, I think there's а point. beyond
which no one can be pushed. Nor even
us. I don't want to see the world de
stroyed, my children destroyed, grand
children unborn destroyed. 1 couldn't
give a shit about myself, I've had a nice
life. I'm concerned about young people,
about their future. Fm concerned lor
the Third World, about people starving
to death. 1 think you're crazy if youre
not concerned about that: but I'm also
concerned about the United States. I's
important that we cannot and do not
ow ourselves to become so weakened
and so strung out that none of our allies
wish to be our allies anymore and that
the world is slowly omnivorated by the
Soviet Union.
PLAYBOY: 1)
should cont

you think the arms race
uc to escalate, even if both
sides have more than cnough power to
wipe cach other o
ѕсотт: What is interesting about the
nucleararms race is that the Russians
have managed to eat up half the world
d havent dropped a fucking bomb
L Were the only ones who ever
dropped a bomb on anybody. They
don't have to. Ehe horrible thing about
the national revulsion against military
power and preparedness that resulted
in this country at the end of the V
namese crisis is that it has so w
us tactically and gcopolitically tha
don't have to get into a thermonucl
to get what they damn please! It's
parent in Afghanistan. Can you imag
ine the Russian embassy anywhere being
taken over by somebody? Name it
There'd be 500 fucking tanks in there
tomorrow. You know it and I know it
and nobody would do a fucking thing
about it! They don't kid around. the
Russians. Certainly, we must all realize
that now. They don't fuck around. They
go and get what they damn well want
to get and they protect whar's their own.
PLAYBOY: Do you seriously believe we
will soon be in a world war?
SCOTI: I think we're going to be involved
in war sooner or later anyway, sir. There

is no question in my mind about that

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PLAYBOY

and hasn't been for the past five yeas.
It's almost unavoidable.

PLAYBOY: With Russia? In the Middle
East?

scorr: I'm talking about global thermo-
nuclear war And 1 concerned
about less powerful nations getting the
atomic capability, such as Шад. Those
are v liening things to contem-
plate, because the bomb is a big equaliz-
ег. One сап only hope, to use that old
hé, that cooler heads сап prevail.
And that the war, when it comes—if it
ll be limited to conve nal
I understand. the Russia
pility of chemical w:
have nonc. We're

PLAYBOY: When the hostages were taken
in Iran, do you think we immediately
should have gone in militarily?

SCOTI: My opinion was in 72 hours. It
was the kind of thing that could not
and should not have been prolonged. It
had to be dealt with immediately. We,
like so m e not ad-
verse to s ng people for what
believe. What the Iranian f
done to us is beyond anything th
ever happened in the history of civilized
man. All because of one senile zealot,
who prove France—
which opened its collective
yap—lor 15 years. I sec nothing Turgid-
sonian—what a good word! —about going
and releasing the American hostages.
At whatever cost.

PLAYBOY: And your opinion of the Aya-
tollah Khomein
ѕсотт: President Sadat characterized him
perfectly: Lunatic. Also, the man is 80

took the ion of

hasn't

years old and ill and doesn't give a shit.
What is he going to care? It's over. He
comes out and waves his hand like a

senile old fool, and that’s the story.
PLAYBOY: Aud yet he seems to have the
people behind him, demonstrating at his
will.

scor My friend, if you had the situa-
tion he's got, you'd do anything to keep
them from realizing they don't have any
jobs or food. I'd keep them in the suc
all the time and make all the effigies T
could make, get all the TV cameras
and the still photographers I could get,
wouldn't you? Otherwise. they're gonna
sit around the cafés there and they're
gonna say, "Wait a minute . . . who
that asshole with the beard here? Lets
get him.” Amd that’s exactly what will
happen. 1 hope he doesn’t have the
grace that the shah had. I hope he is
ned up by the heels, as Mussoli
turned, and burned alive! That's my ex-
press hope. Now, unlike Miss Lillian,
1 wouldn't hire a hit man to get him. I

108 hope his own people will turn on him,

servic
PLAYBOY: Among actors, are you alon
your outspoken opinions?

what you're asking? Now that the Duke
is gone? [Laughs]

PLAYBOY: Do your friends
agree with your views?
Idom agre
And when someone does?

n highly suspicious. [Laughs]
PLAYSOY: Given the perception abroad
that U.S. power has dwindled, do you
believe the military should have been
allowed to win in Vietnam at any cost?
scom: I'm afraid that J think that's true,
yes. It may not be a very popular opin-
jon, but I held it at the time and I hold
it now. I don't believe in fighting wars
that you don't want to win. I didn't
in Korca and I didn't believe in

ce or dis-

PLAYBOY: How would you have won in
Vietnam? By blowing up all of. North
Vietnam?

SCOTI: Yes. І would ha

ve attacked North

"I don't believe in fighting
wars that you don't want
to win. I would have
attacked North Vietnam
and I really would have
attacked it!"

cally would have at-
rse, President N
because unde
home that he
nd bombed only se-
lected targets. Popular opinion had
turned а re war effort. He
literally could not win and he had no
choice but to get us out of there. The
imed then and I assume they
to this day that they could have

оп
he w:

couldn't do it,
such

incredible fire at
mined Haiphong

won i
PLAYBOY: Would you say that th

sol-

dier's death is the most honorable of
deaths?

SCOTT: I see no dishonor in it, let me tell
you that. To skip the country and go to

Canada I find dishonorable. To run out
on your country and beg to get back
in I thought w: ble at the
time and I think it’s dishonorable now.
PLAYBOY: What about Hitler's Germany?
Would it have been dishonorable for
the German soldiers to have relused to
fight?

SCOTI: Not to wy at all, not to go and
sce, is dishonorable. Many people dis-
agree with me, but that doesn't make

me right and it doesn't make me wrong.
PLAYBOY: Surely, ihe parents of
55.000 boys killed in Vietnam feel very

bitter about what happened there.
scom: You're lumping and it’s а bad

mistake. Don't lump. Many people are
very proud that their sons died.

PLAYBOY: Olten, they have to be proud,
since they have to live with that and
no one likes to feel he's living with a
mistake.

SCOTT: 1 couldn't disagree with you more.
Not being able to look at the wuth,
youre im big psychological trouble.
There's the wellspring of neurosis right
there that leads into much worse things.
PLAYBOY: It's not necessarily neurotic to
disagree about the truth of Vietnam— —
SCOT: Let's look at whats happened.
which is about the worst of about 12 al-
ternatives, in my estimation. We got
out. The disgrace that has occurred
since we left the fucking place is far more
traumatic and pervasive than any dis-
grace that we may have endured at the
time. I firmly believe that. I sound like
Duke Wayne, but I'm sor
PLAYBOY: You're not fully taking into ac-
count what was going on here at the
time; this country was going to pieces
from within, Vietnam was-
The Vietnam war was a direct,
ry reaction to the Korean
Thats something people dont
seem to understand and some of our
most brihant political analysts retuse
to write about. Our country started to
go to shit in the Korean War, not in the
Vietnamese war. The Vietnamese war
was a unilateral continuation of a con-
certed effort that failed in the Korean
м And сту one of our allies is
cqually responsible as we were. No one
likes to look at the Korean W из
the hidden war. The Vietnamese war is
the degenerate war, because we had the
Sixties and the upheaval. All our young
people said, "Enoug ad went on
. The world went on drugs! I sub-
to you, the result of what happened
in the Sixties may become, il history
gives us long enough to view it, the
darkest, most dismal hour in this na-
tion's history. Not because we were fight-
ing а war on far-lung shores, necessarily;
we've done that before with other na-
tions and come out better. The trauma
of the Sixties, which is looked upon and
idealized by people of your generation,
ot my wile's generation, as such a grand
time, when we threw off the yoke ol
establishmentarianism and everybody let
it all hang out and we tuned out and
flipped out and fucked off and every-
thing else, may be the darkest decade of
our hustory, because that's when the
ried going downhill!
think the blame goes
hower, who promised to

PLAYBOY: So yo
back to Ei
go to
SCOTI. No! I'm sorry. No. No. Blame

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PLAYBOY

112

But if you
е somebody, blame Harry
and his fucking police action! Blame
Harry and the MacArthur problem!
t let the son of a bitch fight the
. We've got 30,000 soldiers over there
today as we're sitting here! They've bı
there for $5 years! What the hell is thar?
We don't have any troops in Victnan
we still have them in. Korca. Figure that
onc out for me sometime! It's a madness,
Either get them the fuck out or

you know. The dogface
pending his life, bleeding away for
nothing over that crappy peninsula
called Korea, did somethi to the
American fighti a that has never
ig Tve ever
1, everyone I've ever talked to speaks
about the inanity, the cruelty, the stu-
pidity, the indifference and the frustr:
tion of being placed in a position that
our fighting people are placed in, os-
tensibly surrounded by allies, and of
being castrated politically, which is wha
they were—it was the worst single thi
you could do to a soldier, and that's
what we did. That's what Harry Tru-
man did. His reputation and his soul, if
there is such a thing, are going to have
to bear the brunt of that!

PLAYBOY: A lot of what you have to say
is pretty gung-ho Marine. Are you proud
of having been a Marine?

scort: Yes, I'm very happy E was in the
Marine Corps. Yes, absolutely.

PLAYBOY: You left home at 17 to join
the Marines, but you missed fighting
overseas. Did you feel, as General Patton
did, that they stole the war from you?
SCOTT: Yeah. Darn, Darn. As a matter
of fact, | was lucky. I missed two wars.
1 felt very cheated when they dropped
the bomb. I thought, Ah, shit, we can't
wade , darn. Which, of course,
was dumb.

PLAYBOY. Weren't you assigned to the
graves detail at Arlington?

SCOTT: I did ceremonial burials three or
four times a week. The flag, the three
rounds, the whole thing.

PLAYBOY: Was it depressing?

SCOTT: It was very depressing.
PLAYBOY: Besides burials, what else did
you do in the Marine Corps?

SCOTT: Other kinds of ceremonial details.
I remember I went on a trip one time
across the country, guarding the eternal
flame from the Tomb of the Unknown
Soldier in Paris. Just me and another
noncom. Our job was to keep the flame
from going out night and day.
PLAYBOY: Did you get into many fights in
the Marines?

SCOTI Yeah, doesn't everybody? When
you're very young, you feel you have to
uphold the honor of the Corps and that
kind of shit, so if anybody says any-
thing. you go pop! That's why I was

always getting beat up.
PLAYBOY: Did you know what you want-
ed to be when you left the Marines?
scort: I definitely wanted to be a writer.
PLAYBOY: Didn't you teach a correspond-
ence course in writing while you were
in the Service?

SCOTI. I taught creative writing—about
which I knew nothing except that 1 had
n the course and passed it—to Ma-
all over the world who would

write
PLAYBOY: Who were some of the writers
who impressed you at that time?

scorr: Hemingway, Steinbeck, Faulkner.
PLAYBOY: What war novels did you enjoy?
SCOTT: I liked From Here to Eternity,
The Naked and the Dead, The Young
Lions.

PLAYBOY: Probably didn't care much for
Caich-22

ticularly.

at did you think of Brando
and Montgomery Clift in the movie
The Young Lions?

scort: Clift reached his zenith in the
picture The Young Lions. It was sad
that those two young actors couldn't have
had a great actor with them in that.
PLAYBOY: You're referring to the part
Dean Martin played

scort: Yeah. It's a damn shame it
couldn't have been a really first-class
actor; then the picture would have been
unbeatable. I'm not knocking Dean, 1

sterday,

ur women
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PLAYBOY

don't think he thinks he's a first-class
actor.

PLAYBOY: Do you still believe Ami
three greatest actors were Brando, Clift

and Ba

ly do. Tt was sad about
Monty, that he wasn't able to fulfill that
enormous potential he had. But 1 would
still hold to th:
PLAYBOY. Other than Clift, who died
young. Would you say that Brando and
Barrymore wasted à. good deal of their
talent?

ѕсотт: Barrymore certainly did. Marlon
may have. Only because his talent is so
colosal. One would be hard put to
cvaluate how consistently one could keep
up to that talent.

PLAYBOY: You'll be appearing for the first
time with Brando in the forthcoming
movie The Formula, about а secret
synthetic fuel developed by the Germans
before World War Two. Wh
about The Formula that so
you
SCOTT: Well, the subject was so stun

ng

ad so timely and. app
everything 1 can. understand, exu Rely
well authenticated. 1 went over th
document material myself and there. i

no doubt historically that the Ger
war machine was run on synthetic fuel
because they had no oil. All they had
was coal. Also, historically, there was no
doubt that a pilot hydrogenation plant
was set up in this country in 1915 in
Brownsville, Texas, using Germ:
tists, and ran until 1956, at which time it
was closed permanently and the scien-
tists returned ло Germany, They were
producing synthetic Iuel at that plant.
PLAYBOY: Then there is no doubt in your
mind that the technology to make syn-
thetic fuel is available and it's the ой
companies that are stopping
ѕсотт: There's absolutely no doubt in
my mind. Em told that there are 300.000
pages of documents in German dealing
with the subject at Texas A&M that
have never been translated. Captured
German There's certainly
enough room for a largescale investiga
tion.

PLAYBOY: Do you think that will happen?
scott: I hope the picture will help spark
some sort of bloody
PLAYBOY: What yor
bus the major oil com
panies—has conspired in some way to
keep the formula for the production
of synthetic fuel out of the market place;
is that correct?

SCOTT:
tion in the р
to grab a brush and start tarring eve
body. АП 1 can say to you is that I think
there is not only room but reason for
some sort of curious look into the thing

docu ГЕ

ig

There has been so much revela-
t decade or so 1 hesitate

114 and I would like to sec that happen.

PLAYBOY: If that is true, the reason for it
would have to be profit motivated,
wouldn't it?

scott: I believe in profit. Hell. I'm a

capitalist. There's never been a bigge
one! I don't believe in suppression of
anything and if it's true that that has
been done, then I think that we should
be apprised of it. This is a subject that
vital not only to America but to all
of our alli
PLAYBOY: Actuall sn't Congress re-
cently passed a bill providing in effect 88
billion dollars to develop synthetic fu
and didn't House Majority Lc:
Wright say it was the most signifi
piece of legislation of the decade:
SCOTT: The 88 billion dollars is a drop in
the bucket. That's just what Marlon says
in the pictu t L say to him.
Where does the money go? That's the
key. Who the hell rides herd on it?
Where are the contracts f: и»
too much money way too and it's
going to feed into more money. They're

—
"With Marlon, I wouldn't
want to do an entire film
with the little darling,
because he would ditve
you crazy."

—

going to nurse this one for a long time.
The problem has just beg
I'm concerned.

PLAYBOY: Arc you satisfied with y
in the film?

SCOTI: Yeah. Very good part.
PLAYBOY: Why has it taken this long for
you and Brando to act together?

ur role

ScOT: 1 have no idea. It's a strange
business in L-A.

PLAYBOY: Did Brando agree to the film
before or after you did?

SCOTI: After. After.

PLAYBOY: Were you surprised when he
agreed?

ScoT | was delighted, but T wasn't
icularly surprised.
PLAYBOY: Did he memorize any of his

lines?

osis. He has а
є to do that. T
Ibscribe to that. It's

1 охи

he doesn't ca

don't. necessarily
teresting to watch

PLAYBOY: What makes him so formidable?
SCOT: The thing about his genius is the
originality, the freshness that he brought
to acting. Just overwhelming. Nobody
had ever seen anything like that belore.

I never had. And c ly nobody else
had. Brando is in a class by himself.
Been there for years. I can't. conceive
of a man who has suffered through
more disappointing experiences than he
has professionally. I'm not the least bit
surprised that he doesn't want to work.
or that he wants 80 zillion dol
work. I mean, if I were him, I would
have told them to go fuck themselves а
long time ago. He's been through a great
deal. 1 wish to God he would work on
the s but I doubt if it will
ever happen. I doubt he has the interest
or inclination. It’s sad.

PLAYBOY: What would you like to have
seen him do on stage?

SCOTT: Thats a good question. I would
like to have seen him do some Miller
Maybe All My Sons а few years ago. Or
even Death of a Salesman. It would have
been a fantastic performance. Tm not
sure how good a classic actor Marlon
would be. He tried only once and he w

to

AT nlluence you at
all as an actor?

scor No. We're different kinds of
actors.

PLAYBOY: He's Method, you're now?

scort: Im a rather technical actor. I

was n
has never hee

ever very good at improvisation: it
easy lor me and 1 don't
do it well. I was never trained that way.
Tm an affect actor rather than an intro-
spective one. I don't expose either myself

or my soul. It has nothing to do with
c. There is nothing about my acting

that is visceral or emotional. It's not
emotional. Its contrived. 1 don't. do
anything that I don't plan on doing. I
do exactly what I intend to do.

PLAYBOY: Since that description would
put you in a small minority of the major
actors working today, is it difficult
you to act with them?

SCOTT: It can be more interesting, frank
ly. Its very nice to work with people
who don't subscribe to your particular
style or your approach. With Marlon. 1
wouldn't want to do an entire film with
the Tittle darling. because he would
drive you crazy, but I find him a wonder-
ful man with a magnificent. sense of
humor.

PLAYBOY: How would he drive you crazy?
scott: He is dreadfully slow. He thi
about everything and docs it over and?
over and over. Marlon would improve

all the time. Em not sure about the rest

of us, but he's always working at it, dis-

covering the part. Its amazing. 1 just

don’t work that way.

PLAYBOY: Did you get a chance to know

him personally?

SCOTT: We played chess togeth
all. Two or three games a day. We did
not socialize off the set.

PLAYBOY: Who usually won?

^

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PLAYBOY

116

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12 issues 524

PLAYBOY Е

SCOTI: Mc.

PLAYBOY: We take it you don't like to
lose.

SCOTI: I don't like to lose.
master, I don't like to lose.
PLAYBOY: Brando was on the set for only

Even t0 a

ys.
PLAYBOY: Does it bother you that while
you spent six times as much time on the
picture, he's paid more and is given a
higher percentage of the film than you?
SCOTT: I'll tell the world: I couldn't agree
Laughs]

hat it does bother yor
SCOTI: No, it doesn't bother me. Shit,
he's worth every dime of it. More power
to him. Everybody used to bitch when
Liz Taylor got $1,000,000 for a picture;
remember that? Christ, she could have
gotten $12,000,000, as [ar as I'm con-
cerned. It's only the brass that call it
highway robbery—those guys who are
making all the money off the picture.
PLAYBOY: Speaking of that, you've been
saying you're quitting acting for your
own peace of mind for years now
ng to quit.

he Formula be your last

picture?
scomt: I don't sce how it could be. I

of course, is есо-
ally get stronger

hope not. The ri
nomic. Unless I
into directing.
Do you fecl you've made your
actor?

scorr I think I've done enough of it. I
really do.

PLAYBOY: You're satisfied with your body
of work, then.

scort: I never set out to be a pillar of
the theatrical, cinematic commu

son,
r

PLAYBOY: Yet you became one.
ѕсотт: | don't look at it that way. There's
a certain amount of pretension therc.

PLAYBOY: Has acting been a job more
than a passion for you?

SCOTI: It’s been a job. Or a profession.
I don't have any idea what I would have
been il it hadn't been lor the theater,
but 1 haven't been flamed about it since
1 in my 20s, and thats a long
timc ago. When you get middle-aged. the
priorities change and you look for other
avenues, other forms of expression
PLAYBOY: Did you ever hear John
Huston's comment about you: “My opin-
ion of him as an actor is much higher
than my opinion of him as a man"?
SCOTT: Yes, I've heard that.

PLAYBOY: Do you have amy idea why he
said it?

scor: 1 have no idea, except that we've
had certain falling outs.

PLAYBOY: Huston was apparently upset
with your behavior toward Ava Gardner
during the making of The Bible. He
claims you struck her and "damn near
broke hi
SCOTT: 1
about Ava
PLAYBOY: Is it true that your first real

and I never talk

PLAYBOY

the Marines was with a
drunken sergeant major in Washington
over Ахаз acting abilities?

ѕсотт: That's the most ludicrous thing
Ive ever heard in my life. But, again,
1 don't talk about her. Don't ask me
anything about her.

PLAYBOY: May we ask you
time in your life, around 1965
SCOTT: Su
PLAYBOY: It's often described as the
blackest period of your life. The London
Daily Express reported that. you were
thrown out of the Savoy Hotel in
London after a fight with Ava, that you
were arrested and fined in court one
pound for being drunk. The columnists
had a field day—they reported that you
followed Ava to the Beverly Hills Hotel
and created another scene. It
around that time that you and Collee:
Dewhurst first separated. Were you out
of control?

SCOTT: 1 would say that was a very low
point in my life. Ve
PLAYBOY: Was it more difficult for yc
Hollywood after that incident?
scort: I was unemployed for a while,
yeah.

PLAYBOY: OK, getting off the subject-
5сотт: Thank you.

PLAYBOY: W.
that you went 10 London to appear in

fistight in

bout that

?

was

low.

iod

sn't it during that jx

The Three Sisters and were booed by
the audience?

SCOTT: Oh, yes. That was a colossal boo-

ing. They booed as one person, as though
They booed | thougl

on cue. It was hilarious. Of course, we
were all very upset about it.
PLAYBOY: Why did they boo?

SCOTI: They hated the show! They hated
the actors, they hated the whole produc-
tion. The chemistry was wrong. We had
some excellent people and we were all
totally lost. One actress mumbled; Kim
Stanley, who talked me
couldn't hear: and I roared and paced
like a chained lion. Obviously. the styles
were certainly conflicting. The producer
went to Rome the first night and we
never saw her again. Our little psyches
were wounded there.
experience in retrospect
and got drunk.

PIAYBOY: Lee Strasberg directed
didn't he?

SCOTT: You could call it that. yes. That's
the only experience I ever had with him

PLAYBOY: Did you ever consider study
Studio

to it, you

It was a hilarious
We went out

that,

at the Actors when you were
starting?

SCOTI: No, it never occurred to me. As
a matter of fact, I resisted it. It just
wasn't my style.

PLAYBOY: Returning to some of your

incidents,

publicized when the play
Comes а Day closed in 1958, you sup-
posedly cut open your hand in rage and

had to perform the last scene wearing a
rubber glove. True?

scott: 1 did tear up the dressing room
during that production. There was some
frustration going on; I can't even recall
what it was. But the other time I badly
hurt myself was in Children of Darkness.
I hit a mirror that was thicker than 1
thought. It was а half inch instead of a
quarter inch, and that was bad. I went
through the bloody thing and hit an
artery. It was like fountain time. They
rushed and got me some bandages and a
rubber glove and I played the third act
with the glove on, filling up with blood.
[Laughs] Nice little frustration.

PLAYBOY: The show must go on?

SCOTT: A matter of exigency. The people
would have demanded their money back
and the poor producers would have been

up the creek: it was my responsibility.
PLAYBOY: Didn't ye also break. your
hand hitting some scenery during The

Wall because you couldn't tolerate yc
costar?

SCOTT: That’s true, I broke my hand.
PLAYBOY: Who v

as your co-star?

SCOTT: A British actress named Yvonne
Mitchell.
PLAYBOY: What was it about her that

drove you crazy?
scor
things happen sometimes, and rather
than belt her, E hit the joint where the
two two-by-fours come together. Broke
that knuckle, broke that knuckle, really
med this knuckle. The doctor said,

Just a personality conflict. Those

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PLAYBOY

Christ. kid, what did you do?" I
lost my temper.” I haven't had
ith an actor since. Гуе
ctors but never with

“Je
said.
any altercations
had many with
actors.
PLAYBOY: Didn't William Wyler fire you
from a film called How to Steal a
Million?

SCOTT: It's the only time I've ever been
fired from a film, and I sued Fox and
collected.

PLAYBOY: Why were you fired?

SCOTT: I don't know. He never did speak
to me after that. He wouldn't talk to me
on the phone. I think it was personality.
He didn't care for me. I didn't say any-
thing to him. No point in dwelling on
those things. They happen all the timc.
PLAYBOY. Among other battles you've
waged was the film you produced, di-
rected, starred in—The Savage Is Loose.
You tried to buck the distribution sys
tem, but the film failed at the box office.
Do you still see that as the culmination
of your carcer?

SCOTI: I still do. Yeah.

PLAYBOY: Did you lose a lot of your own
moncy?

SCOTI: Yes.

PLAYBOY: How much?

scott: Oh, God, it would amount to, 1
would think, $500,000, plus maybe
$1,500,000 that I normally would have
been paid, and perhaps $150,000 for my
wife. None of that was ever seen, of
course.

PLAYBOY: So altogether, roughly, it was
about $2,500,000 you personally lost. Did
you get any of it back?

SCOTT: We got enough back to pay off the
private investors.

PLAYBOY: Didn't you rent a theater in
New York for a year to show it?

SCOTI: Yeah, and it cost me $230,000.
[Laughs]

PLAYBOY: How was the business there?
SCOTT: Business was execrable, to coin а
phrase.

PLAYBOY: Didn't your
against the project, sa
done?

SCOTI. He certainly advised against it,
II tell you that.

PLAYBOY: And weren't you going against
common wisdom to invest your own
money?

SCOTI: Common wisdom; isn't that a
lovely phrase? Common is very good.
Yeah, I'm sure I was, but it's not the
first time and probably won't be the last.
I believed in it. I still believe in it. Essen-
tially, it was a very good picture. I still
think so. It's a very delicate piece. The
notices were mixed. It was not a critical
disaster, by any means. Thats what
makes baseball.

PLAYBOY: We'll spare you the comments
of the critics we've read about the film,
but looking back, would you make the

lawyer advise
ng it couldn't be

122 same picture again?

SCOTI: [ would make some changes in it.
sure. I would put in some things that I
had edited out. The key to the failure of
the film was the lack of promotional
money. You have to have enough money
to give the picture a shot, give it a
chance. I didn't have enough money.
PLAYBOY: So you still feel that bucking
the distribution system can be done?
SCOTT: 05 a very viable idea and it
should be done by other independents.
The problem with marketing a film is
that there are so many middlemen be-
tween the producer and the consumer
that you can't make a product and get
it to the people.

PLAYBOY: Your wife Trish said she
thought Savage was a good way to be
able to stay and work together. Did you
feel that?

SCOT Well, we certainly pulled hard
together on it. We pulled like hell. There
was almost nothing we didn’t do. In that
sense, it was most satisfying.

PLAYBOY: She also said that you necd to
learn how to create a better environment
for theactor.

SCOTI: Listen, she has her opinion and I

“Kubrick is an incredibly,
depressingly serious man,
unth this wild sense of
humor. But paranoid."

have mine. Just like any other artist deal.
ing one on one.

PLAYBOY: Do you have pcople around you
when you direct with whom you feel
comfortable? Good assistant directors?
scoTr: І had a great A.D. on Rage. One
of the best in the world. The poor man
suffered a heart attack and had to retire.
‘The man I had in Savage has since died.
Liked them both.

PLAYBOY: Do you think you might have
had an effect on them? The strain of
working with you?

scott: [Angry] Thats а dreadful ques-
tion! No, of course not. That's a very
lousy question! People live and die, pal.
PLAYBOY: Sorry. [Long, tense pause] Let's
move to neutral ground. How do you see
the role of the director?

SCOTI: The whole process of directing,
particularly for films, is to make the ac-
tors as comfortable as humanly possible.
And to provide them with some sort of
intelligence about what your plans are
and how they fit in, and then let them
alone. for Christ's sake. The less you
mess with them, the better off everybody
is,

PLAYBOY: You've said that you've never
been directed by a director.

SCOTT: Directors are supposed to help the
audience. Good directors don't direct
actors, A director who messes too much
with an actor is wasting everybody's
time, his and the actor's.

PLAYBOY: How much of your own acting
suffers when you direct yourself?

SCOTT: You've got to lose to a certain
degree. The acting would be the first’ to
suffer, because your mind is not on the
acting, it's on the shot.

PLAYBOY: Are you more comfortable in
front of the camera or behind it?

SCOTT: I feel a great sense of relaxation
Lchind the camera. There is a certain
Kind of friction that is necessary in front
of it. I don't feel that. pressure behind
the camera.

PLAYBOY: In the future, would you prefer
to direct and not act?

SCOTT: I certainly would, yeah.

PLAYBO! ал": you accuse Irvin Kersh-
ner of ruining The Flim-Flam Man in
the cutting room. claiming "Some of
these directors get Jehovah complexes"?
ѕсотт: "That's my quote. You've got it. I
believe that something happens to them.
"They sweat over that Moviola too long.
PLAYBOY: Docs that happen to you when
you direct?

Scorr: I think it probably does. I certain-
ly try to guard against it.

PLAYBOY: Did you enjoy doing The Flim-
Flam Man?

SCOTT: I loved doing it. I enjoyed the
character, loved the location. The pic-
ture didn't make any money, but it has
become kind of a cult film.

PLAYBOY: So has Petulia, which Richard
Lester directed. What did you think of
that one?

scort: I thought it was an intriguing
project. I liked the character. He was a
kind of off-thewall guy. And she was
certainly weird enough. I didn't par-
ticularly understand the film. Very often
we didn't know what the hell we were
doing. It was a very convoluted script.
And Dickie doesn't talk about it, which
is probably good. He has a terrific ability
with a camera. 1 was kind of lost. I
think Julie [Christie] was kind of lost.
But Lester—now, there's a man who had
enormous promise. And he hasn't done
anything, except The Four Musketeers,
that anybody's ever heard of since then.
PLAYBOY: He also directed A Hard Day's
Night,

SCOIT: Yeah, like I said.

PLAYBOY: You've half-jokingly claimed
half credit for Dr. Strangelove because
you rewrote half the script. True?

SCOIT: We rewrote every day. I don't
take any more credit than anybody else.
Stanley Kubrick, of course, gets all the
credit and Peter [Sellers] gets the rest.
But Stanley is very meticulous and hates
everything that he writes or has any-
thing to do with. He's an incredibly,

HENRY MANCINIS BAR

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PLAYBOY

124

depressingly serious man, with this wild
sense of humor. But paranoid. Every
morning, we would all meet and prac-
tically rewrite the day's work, He's a
perfectionist and he's always unhappy
with anything that's set.

PLAYBOY: Weren't you unhappy, as well,
with the ending?

SCOTT: It bothered me a lot, but there
was a very bad problem there. Stanley
was right.

PLAYBOY: The original ending was to be
a pie-throwing scene involving the Presi-
dent and all the top brass. What was the
problem?

SCOTT: The assassination of President
Kennedy was the problem, and that
was a bitch of a problem! Peter Sellers
gets hit with а pie and he swoons in my
arms and I say, “Gentlemen, our beloved
President has been struck down at the
prime of life" What the fuck, you
couldn't use the line and you couldn't
use the rest of it, either; there was noth-
ing Stanley could do about it. He had to
find some other way to end the movie. It
would have been so distasteful.

PLAYBOY: Didn't you pattern General
Buck Turgidson after a real person?
SCOTT: Yes, a business acquaintance of my
father’s. He was like Buck exactly. Had
he been in the Armed Forces, that’s what
he would have been. He was frightening.
‘Those people are frightening, obviously.

And to make them funny is a good thing,
because they're scary people.

PLAYBOY: Do you often pattern your
characters after real people?

SCOTT: I used to do it much more than I
do it now. That's the loss of observation.
Dickie Burton said it one time, too, and
I noticed it to be very true. He said, “I
can't observe as well as I used to." When
you're so concerned about yourself being
observed, you cannot observe. It robs the
actor of one of his great tools, which is
the nondescript personality that can
observe. It's just like writers who listen
to dialog. Actors do it, too. I did it for
years. But I certainly don't do it very
much anymore. I'm so self-conscious in
public. I can't go anywhere and sit down
in the corner of 2 barroom and listen to
the guy talking for an hour; no way.
That's one thing fame does for you.
PLAYBOY: What docs fame mean to you?
зсотт: Well, we were talking about
Streisand and she made that incredible
statement I couldn't agree with more.
She said that she had a terrible dream.
Maybe she told you about it.

PLAYBOY: Yes, in her Playboy Interview.
ѕсотт: Where she dreams she's lying un-
der a fucking truck, crushed, and a guy
rushes up and says, “Can I have your
fucking autograph?” 1 feel exactly that
way. I know exactly what she meant
when she said that. Why autographs? It's

like they want some sort of piece of you,
and how many pieces are there? I've al-
ways been relatively shy and what I find
most offensive is that many people as-
sume that they own you. They also
assume that they can talk about anything
and you're dying to talk about it. I've
had the most incredible things s; to
me. Unbelievable.

PLAYBOY: What are some examples?
SCOTT: Comments about your private life,
one's personality, one's physicality. I
often say, "Well, look, I don't say that
about you, why do you get off saying it
to me?" And often that starts a fight.
They become offensive and then they
accuse you of being a sorehead, which
maybe you are. At any rate, I find that
I've always been surprised by it. I don't
know why I should be, because it hap-
pens over and over and over.

PLAYBOY: Didn't you once say you could
almost sce the guy's talons coming out of
his hand as you signed an autograph?
ѕсотт: Almost entirely with women, very
seldom with men. I don't know what
inspires it. It's antagonistic, definitely,
My experience has been that women are
really much worse at that sort of thing
than men. Usually, the guy has had way
too much to drink. Most men arc very
friendly to me. Of all ages, strangely.
PLAYBOY: Have you ever tried disguises?
ѕсотт: My favorite disguise is a camera

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PLAYBOY

around the neck, It works wonders. And
some kind of baseball cap. You can go
for quite a while and get away with it.
1 find that people trust tourists, for some
reason

PLAYBOY: What about people who try to
meet you; are they also a problem?

SCOTT: You have no idea the whackos
that try to contact you. There're a lot of
sick fucking people out there. Holy God!
I had a girl for two years would come
and sleep at night in the fucking woods
out there. I had the cops, I had my law-
yers, it was unbelievable.

PLAYBOY: Did you ever meet her?

SCOT: No, man, no way. 1 was old
enough to be her father, for Christ's
sake. In the second place, she was so ill.
I got letters from her, gifts; it was awful.
It went on for two and a half years. I
had her parents contacted. It was horri-
ble.

PLAYBOY: Is that the only time that's
happened?

scott: To that extremity. Before, I've
had a lot of idiots. I used to get tele-
grams, letters from a guy who kept chas-
tising me for not meeting him. "I was
there and J waited a half hour and you
weren't there. What the hell is the story
here?" That kind of thing. Two days
later, 1 get a telegram: "I will be at so-
andso, outside NBC, in Hollywood, at
10:30 and we'll discuss what we talked
about last week," signed whatever his
dumb name was. That went on for a
year! Now, that's spooky, it really is. It
would never fail, the follow-up telegram:
"Where were you?" The guy must have
spent a fortune on telegrams. This guy
was holding these fucking conversations
with me and I never laid eyes on the
man in my life! And, Christ, I'm not a
rock star. What they get must be un-
believable.

PLAYBOY: What about religious fanatics?
ѕсотт: Oh, yeah, І get those. Most want
to save your soul. Huge tracts of Biblical
pamphlets. They're going to save me. My
God!

PLAYBOY: You mean groups such as the
Hare Krishnas.

SCOTT: Yeah, they seem like idiots to me.
PLAYBOY: What would you do if one of
your children told you he'd joined the
Krishnas?

ѕсотт: I'd say, "Don't do it around me,
pal. Piss off, because 1 can't take it.
You're free, but, Jesus, don't come
around here with incense and that
bullshit
PLAYBOY: What was your own religious
upbringing?

SCOTT: I came from very, very fundamen-
talist religious people. No card playing,
no drinking, no smoking, no nothing in
my grandmother's house. We've come a
Jong way from there.

PLAYBOY: You lost your mother when you

126 were only eight, didn't you?

SCOTT: I lost my mother when I was quite
young. We moved to Detroit January 1,
1935. My mother died November fifth of
that year. Like the guy who was going to
get hanged, it concentrated my mind. It's
a great void in your life, obviously, los-
ing a parent like that. My father worked
like a dog and tried to be everything. He
couldn't. He was never the warmest crea-
ture who ever lived. He was so harried
and so overworked for so many years that
he just didn't have the time. So I did
feel a little lonely. He was strict. It's
only been in the past 15 years or so that
my father and I have been close at all.
He's a very fine man, my father. He's
got one ear and one eye and one Jung
and he's hanging on. I got him a place
in Florida. He's very happy-

PLAYBOY: Do you now sce qualities of
your father in yourself? Do you ever hear
your father’s voice when you say things?
SCOTT: Repeatedly. I wish 1 had his voice!
Christ, I'd rule the world! He has a
magnificent speaking voice. I've always
had a raspy, shitty voice
PLAYBOY: But certainly distinctive.

—
“I cannot speak in public
extemporancously. I'm a
nervous wreck. I shake all
over like a dog shaking
the water off.”

ED

ѕсотт: Di: е, yeah, but it's not a
good voice. He was an excellent speaker,
which I'm not. I cannot speak in public
extemporaneously. I'm a nervous wreck.
When I get up, I shake all over like a
dog shaking the water off. It's terrible
when I have to make a speech. I really
suffer, Even if I've memorized it. It's
worse than 12 opening nights.

PLAYBOY: But isn't giving a speech also
acting?

SCOTI: For some people, but not for me,
because there's nothing to hide behind.
It's as simple as that.

PLAYBOY: Perhaps you should give your
speeches in character. As Patton, for
example.

SCOTT: Arf, arf, arf! Yeah. I could do that.
[Laughs]

[From the picture window framing
their 14 acres of property, Scott sees
Trish taking the thoroughbred horse
through its paces]

[Aside] She looks great
around there, her little trot.
PLAYBOY. Why do you prefer the East
Coast to the West?
scorr: I love the winter, I love the snow.
It’s one of the reasons I don't like South-

bopping

ern California. Nothing changes. Here,
God, it’s different,

PLAYBOY: Over the past several years,
you've acted mostly with your wife. Arc
you most comfortable acting with her?
scott: No.

PLAYBOY: Is it more difficult acting with
her?

SCOTT: No. I've had the experience of
acting with wives. No, it really doesn't
have too much to do with it, actually.
PLAYBOY: 15 Trish sensitive to criticism
that she shouldn't be acting with you
because you overwhelm herz

SCOTT: You have to ask her about that. I
have no way of knowing.

PLAYBOY: Of your six films together,
which has been the most successful?
ѕсотт: The Changeling, by far.

PLAYBOY: Aren't you on record as hating
occult movies?

ѕсотт: Well, it was kind of a little mur-
der mystery, sort of. It certainly didn't
have any green vomit, nobody was jack-
ing off with a crucifix or any of that gar-
bage. I thought it was somewhat
more tasteful than the others of that
genre, but some of the critics criticized
it for that very reason. It was mild
and low key; we deliberately kept that
other kind of thing out of the sketch—
people blowing up schoolrooms with
their eyeballs. І mean, come on. There's
a little bit of a jack-off in there and 1
never wanted to he involved. The fact
that it had to do with supernaturalism
is not necessarily my cup of tea, but 1
thought the other parts of the story at
least made some effort to make up for
it.

PLAYBOY: When the two of you look for
parts, are you consciously looking for
i which you can act together?
Not at all. I look for something
that I сап do for myself and she looks
for what she can do for herself. If it's

possible to work together, we do that.
PLAYBOY: Didn't Trish once picket the
Hospital set because there were no
women doctors in the picture?

SCOTT: Yes

PLAYBOY: How did you feel about that?
SCOTT: I thought it was the tackiest fuck-
ing thing I ever heard of and told her
so. I said, “Get off my case, go pick on
somebody else.” The worst arguments
my wife and I have ever had have been
over politics or some social tradition of
thought.

PLAYBOY: Do you find that the best way
to solve that is not to talk politics at
home?

ѕсотт: Yes, and then she calls me un-
communicative.

PLAYBOY: How does it work privately
with you both? You're not really getting
away from the office. so to speak. when
you go home.

SCOTI: It has caused problems from time

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PLAYBOY

128

to time; you're quite right. You're locked
into the professional situation in the
domestic situation. It can be bothersome.
We think that if you can say something
constructive at home, it's OK to say it.
Critiques at home don't go over too
good. It’s better to leave that on the
other side. I certainly don't ever say to
her, “Now, why do you do that?” I'm
too smart for that, for Christ's sake,
because that just leads to trouble, man.
And she doesn't do that to me, either.
We've dealt with it as responsibly as
possible. We fight.

PLAYBOY: Did you ever seek professional
counseling?

SCOTT: Yes, we went to a marriage coun-
selor three or four years ago. It was not
my idea. I resisted it, but I was glad that
T'd done it, glad we'd done it. He was a
big help to both of us.

PLAYBOY; Did you ever feel that if your
marriage didn't work out this time, it
might be your fault? That it's something
in your personality that's not going to
let you live with one woman for any
length of time?

scott: I'm very convinced it's probably
true. I must be so difficult, so insen-
sitive. . . . Of course, I don't feel that 1
am, but with a track record like mine,
something's wrong.

PLAYBOY: Spcaking of your track record,
do you feel it was a mistake to remarry
Colleen Dewhurst?

SCOTI: No. absolutely not. The fact that
we didn't succeed, you know, it's like
the President saying. "The fact that
raid [оп Iran] didn't go had nothing
to do with my decision to mak
PLAYBOY: Are you still close to Colleen?
scott: Not as close as I'd like to be.
PLAYBOY: With all that's been reported
about your marital discord, does it dis-
turb you to hear what people in your
life say about you publicly?

SCOTT: 1 find there is very little that can
hurt me. I must have some sort of rhi-
noceros hide. Even inside, there is very
little that can hurt me, And let me tell
you something: That may be one of the
reasons I'm not as good an actor as I
was. Interesting, when you stop to think
of it. A certain callousness has built up
inside me as well as the tough hide you
have to have just to get out and go. But
even inside, I find I'm not hurt by the
things I was hurt by 15 years ago. Not
at all. I don't mean to imply that I'm a
beter person. I think I'm a less sensitive
person, that’s all. Simple as that. It
would take a lot to hurt me now.
PLAYBOY: Can that be turned around?
SCOTT: I don't see any reason why there
should come a turnaround. Usually,
you keep walking, you're going to get
calluses.

PLAYBOY: But regarding your present
marriage, do you feel you're easier to
live with than in the past?

scott: Gee, І don't. We still have prob-
lems. It's not easy to be married.
PLAYBOY: Can traditional marriages
work?

scott: Traditional marriages do work.
Unfortunately, they don't work as much
as they did in my time. There is less 2
feeling of female imprisonment. It's
probably a stronger feeling of male
imprisonment in marriage. If there has
been a liberation, it certainly has been
for women.

PLAYBOY: You've never been a proponent
of women's lib, have you?

SCOTT: I have never been a proponent of
the cause of women's liberation to where
it became a cause, no. If you're asking
me if I believe that women should be
free and equal, the answer is yes.
PLAYEOY: Then you support the Equal
Rights Amendment?

SCOTT: I believe in equal rights. I've
never known whether or not it was
necessary to have a Constitutional
amendment. I'm a little leery of that,
frankly. If you can start amending the
Constitution for everything, then it
begins to lose some of its —

“I didn't hang out in porno
shops, looking at the dicks,
if that’s what you mean.”

PLAYBOY: But the Constitution's 200 years
old; there are issues that need updating.
SCOTI. I'm not gonna argue with you
about it, I'm just trying to tell you my
opinion. I think any document as sound
as that document should be amended
very, very circumspectly. Because if you're
going to amend it over one thing, you're
going to amend it over 25 other things.
It should be very carefully done.
PLAYBOY: What about the changing role
of women in Hollywood? How do you
feel about Sherry Lansing becoming the
president of 20th Century-Fox?

Scorr: If they can cut it, why now It cer-
tainly might cause a more humanistic
approach to film making. Could be. It's
like women in politics. Why not? As
long as it’s not Bella, or her ilk.

PLAYBOY: You certainly have it in for
certain people. What about David
Begelman and the $10,000 check he had
written in Cliff Robertson's name?

scot: Having done it to a fellow actor,
he might as well have done it to me.
He got off unbelievably easy, in my
opinion.

PLAYBOY: He's back now as the head of
a studio.

scott: Certainly is. I just worked for
him! I don't think he was properly pun-
ished for it. If it had been somebody
else, he would have gone into the slam-

mer over it.

PLAYBOY: You had a few run-ins with
the law in the carly Fifties yourself,
didn't you?

SCOTT: I've spent some time in the old
slammer, yes. Nothing very extreme. I
never committed a crime, I never stole
money or held anybody up. lt was
usually for fighting or being drunk.
PLAYBOY: Do you remember those times?
scott: As little as possible, and I talk
about it even less. I have no criminal
record, you know.

PLAYBOY: What about the time in 1954
when you didn't make an alimony
payment and wound up in jail?

sco: My God, I'd forgotten about it!
It's absolutely rue. 1 remember 1 was
sleeping on the stage and a deputy
sheriff tapped me on the shoulder and
we went to the pokey.

PLAYBOY: With all your wild living. how
has your body held up over the years?
SCOTI. All І have is high blood pres
sure. I'm healthy as a hog, except for
my eyes. I've never even had a swollen
cr. All the booze I've drunk in my
life, you'd think Га die of cirrhosis.
Never had a problem.

PLAYBOY: Have you ever been drunk be-
fore going on stage?

SCOTI: I have gone on stage under the
influence of alcohol. I'm not proud of it.
Not very often. Usually after the play,
I'd hit the bottle.

PLAYBOY: You've given as your reason
for drinking the expectation of failure.
ѕсот: I've failed many times profession-
ally. but that's not a reason to drink
"There is no reason to drink.

PLAYBOY: Doesn't an alcoholic usually
have a problem even with one drink?
scort: There are all forms of alcoholism
I guess I've experienced every conceiv-
able form. I stopped drinking for 16
months last year and came off again and
I'm not happy about it. I'm much hap-
pier when 1 don't drink. But I've been
drinking for a long, long time. It's a
continual problem in my life, Maybe
icll kill me someday. I'm not particularly
interested one way or the other. Its a
compulsive situation. Maybe if I were out
of a stress situation personally and pro-
fessionally, I wouldn't need it as much.
Maybe I'd need it morc.

PLAYBOY: Excr try drugs?

scott: Never. Never smoked pot. Never
been a pill taker. I don't like to take
aspirin. If you have an addictive pe
sonality, and I assume 1 do, booze is
enough. I've had enough problems over
the years with booze.

PLAYBOY: You also smoke a great deal.
Ever uy giving that habit up?

scott: Eight months was the best I ever
did and there wasn't a moment I didn't
want to smoke. Aslecp or awake.
PLAYBOY: And always unfiltered cigarettes?
SCOTT: I've smoked Lucky Strike for 37

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and her lover's wife (Shirley MacLaine)...

It’s not what you think.
An affair sounds so romantic.

How about:
You're nailing
a co-ed?

Her, her lover, her lover's wife
and her lover's wife's lover...

You mean to tell me that
you can't make love to me
while your husband's downstairs
making love to another
woman?

Join us December 19 90
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FILM FINANCE GROUP, LTD. PRESENTS

SHIRLEY MacLAINE ANTHONY HOPKINS
BO DEREK
^ MARTIN RANSOHOFF PRODUCTION

"A CHANGE OF SEASONS"
MICHAEL BRANDON - MARY BETH HURT
Produced by MARTIN RANSOHOFF Executive Producer RICHARD R. ST. JOHNS Directed oy RICHARD LANG
Story by ERICH SEGAL and MARTIN RANSOHOFF screenplay by ERICH SEGAL, RONNI KERN, FRED SEGAL
R аны Та Lyrics by ALAN and MARILYN BERGMAN music by HENRY МАМАМ A.

years. I hate filtered cigarettes. I tear the
filters off and the tobacco's so bad. At
least you know you're going to get some
kind of taste with a Lucky Strike, and.
that's not a commercial. 1 get so mad
because nobody else smokes 'em but me.
1 went to the goddamn airport the other
day and the girl's got 58 varieties of ci
arettes—no Lucky Strikes. 1 really got
pissed off. I said, "Horseshit" [Pauses.
Lights another cigarette] When can we
wind up this lovely affair? We've got to
stop mecting like this.

PLAYBOY: We thought we were just get-
g started. We haven't even asked you
your views on gun control.

SCOTT: I believe in everyone's having the
right to have a gun in one's home, to
protect one's family. 1 couldn't agree
more with the National Rifle Associa-
tion. I do not see any reason why people
should be preyed upon in the streets.
Im very propolice. I'm against police
brutality and harassment. I believe in
law and order and due process, but T
honestly think that everyone should have
a right to protect himself in his home.
Particularly women who live alone. I'm
tired of women being raped and beaten
and murdered in the strects. Men don't
seem to be able to defend women any-
more. The American male finds himself
castrated by a society. He cannot defend
his own woman, let alone the women
who belong to somebody else. It's a terri-
ble thing. That sort of society is gone.
OK, then there should be other contin-
gencies. The police, with all due respect,
with all the best intentions in the world,
cannot help the assault on women іп
every way. I'm certainly not a flag-wav-
ing feminist, but 1 don't see why any
woman should have to go anywhere and
feel frightened. So I evolved a system
whereby the Government should sanc-
tion a weapon for all women who qual-
ify. 1 don't care which company, as long
as it makes a good weapon. It should be
known as a feminist gun. The serial
number should be the same as that of
the female to whom it is registered. That
weapon would be her responsibility just
as her children are. It would never be
fired except in a provable case of assault.
H it is fired otherwise, she’s prosecutable.
Any people of bad character, such as
hookers or whatever, people with a po-
lice record, would not be licensed to
carry a gun, but every woman above a
certain age should be able to apply for a
weapon. It sounds rash. I'm sure there
would be mistakes over a period of a
year. Innocent men would be shot by
women, Husbands would be shot by
jealous wives, I just wonder what the
ratio would be between the several thou-
sand women who are raped, brutalized,
cut up, chopped, stabbed and shot to the

other way. I don't espouse vigilantisin.
1 espouse somebody's having a right to
protect himself or herself. If you're go-
ing to talk about whistles and the rest of
that nonsense, Mace—we have to have
a permit to carry Mace, which is damn
near lethal—that's not going to do the
job. It’s got to stop. It's got to stop!
PLAYBOY: And arming women stop it?
SCOT: Make every woman a walking
lethal weapon and it will stop. You'd be
surprised how quickly it will stop! It may
seem extremely primitive.
PLAYBOY: Seem?
SCOTT: But 1 tell you, 99 percent of the
women in this country are responsible
people. They're not flakes. They're not
crazy. They're not drug addicts. I'll tell
you what they are: They're terrified.
Particularly in urban centers. Show me
one politician who would have the balls
to make such a presentation. He'd be
thrown out of the party!
PLAYBOY: Let’s talk about the hard-core
world of pornography that you recently
helped bring to the screen. We've heard
you felt that was your most difficult film.
SCOTT: It was not an easy or pleasant film
to make. Very depressing. Everybody got
that way. The crew, we all got very
down, because you can’t spend that much
с in that environment and come out
smelling like Mary Poppins.
PLAYBOY: Did you spend much time in
porno shops, researching the picture?
scorr: Only when I had to. J didn't hang
out there looking at the dicks, if that’s
what you mean. That kind of voycurism
doesn’t appeal to me
PLAYBOY: Did the film heighten and dis
turb your perceptions of that world?
SCOIT: Yes. I'm still disturbed that those
places exist and that that much money is
being made. "There's a great line that I
thought summed up the whole sickness,
said by the guy who played the porno
producer. He said, "Look, you want to
get into these movies, start small. Start.
with kiddie pictures. Kiddie porn." And
he'd give it this with his hands, like
measuring maybe a fiveyear-old child.
To me, that was the epitome of tl
sickness. He was right, you see. And that
summed the whole thing up.
PLAYBOY: Were you satisfied with the re-
sults of the film?
SCOTT: 1 had higher hopes [or the film
than materialized, Not only commercial-
ly, but 1 don't think it was received as
well as it might have been critically. I
liked the message. Maybe that was the
problem. Maybe it had too much of a
message and the message was too much
on the nose, But the problem exists.
Maybe it was too much lecture and not
10ugh entertainment.
PLAYBOY: What can we do about the

problem? Can we legislate morality?
SCOTT: Jt can be done and should be
done only on the local community level.
If you don't want to clean up your own
back yard, then you don't deserve to
have it cleaned up. Community groups
and community efforts are the only way
in which to do it.

PLAYBOY: Should it be extended to the
printed word as well?

SCOTT; To the kind of literature that one
sees in those places, yes. I'm afraid it
should. I don't think the Federal Gov-
ernment should legislate against it, I do
not approve of that. You can't deny any-
body's right to write anything he chooses
to write, but somehow 1 think life could
be made so fucking miserable for the dis-
seminators of this material that they
would find some other way to turn a
rotten dollar. You could really lean on
them.

PLAYBOY: What about a magazine such as
PLAYBOY, which is often sold in such
places? Would you censor it as well?
scott: Oh. boy. you sure got me by the
balls on that one! Fm not sure I approve
of pravroy, and yet I'm sitting here do-
ing this interview for you. I think it's
gone too far. Every time you open a
magazine and you sce a girl with her
finger up her cunt, I don't think that's
terribly nice or healthful. I don't think
it produces feclings of enjoyment of the
beauty of the feminine body or anything
eise. 1 think theyre hustling us, Mr.
Hefner and the rest of them. There аге
other parts of the magazine 1 think are
perfectly acceptable, but they press it
too damn far. How much can we get
away with? seems to be the philosophy,
rather than, Let's make a terrific mag-
azine that's got some beautiful-looking
broads in it and stop somewhere already!
I'm not even sure it’s sexual. It can be
very disturbing to young people.
PLAYBOY: Do you sce a difference between
eLAYBOY and any of the other men's

magazines?
SCOTT: Not much. Some of them are
grosser and more extreme than the
others.

PLAYBOY. You made your own moral
decision when you turned down the male
lead in “70,” didn't you?

scott: That's true. I didn't want to be
in that kind of picture. It's done ma
velous bw id had very good
notices, but I would have been uncom-
fortable in it; it would have been ugly
with me doing it. Гуе been in a lot of
pictures for various reasons. Some 1 wish
to God I hadn't turned down, ГИ tell
you that!

PLAYBOY: Was опе of those The Poseidon
Adventure?

SCOTT: It was one of those dumb com-
ments I make, like I should have done
the fucking thing because I could have

ess

133

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PLAYBOY

136

made a lot of money on it. But I'm just
as happy that 1 didn't. I saw that
picture.

PLAYBOY: Is it true that you turned down
something like $8,000,000 to do Tai Pan,
a two-picture deal with Steve McQueen?
scott: They came back to me the other
day again, a year later! Т said no thanks.
PLAYBOY: But $8,000,000?

ѕсотт. But you know you're going to be
able, it's not going to be a good
experience; why do it? Life is too short.
PLAYBOY. What other big pictures have
you turned down?

scott: Godfather.

PLAYBOY: You turned down The God-
father?

scort: I didn't want to play that old.
PLAYBOY: What did you think of Brando's
performance?

scott: He was remarkable in it.

PLAYBOY: What else did you turn down?
SCOTT: Dirty Harry. 1 thought it was too
strong.

PLAYBOY: And Eastwood's performance?
SCOTT: It was typical of where they
wanted to go with it.

PLAYBOY: What about Death Wash?

SCOTI: It seems that was offered to me,
too. I would have done it a lot differ-
ently. Although 1 admired what Charley
[Bronson] did with it, 1 would have tried
to get him to lean in a little different
direction.

PLAYBOY: Saul Braun, in his April 1971
PLavnoy profile on you [Great Scott!)
one of your pet peeves is the highly
skilled actor who “pulls back at the end
and lets himself be used by the system.”
The examples you gave were Lee Marvin
and Richard Burton,

scorr: I don't know where they get those
quotes, man. 1 have bent over backward
all my life to avoid making comments
about colleagues of any nature except
when they're good. I don't go around
bad-mouthing colleagues. If I can't say
something good about them, I don't say
anything, usually. How the hell would I
presume to understand Richard Burton
or Lee Marvin, for Christ's sake? I barely
know them. I've never worked with
either one of them. 1 find that phe-
nomenal. Jesus, if 1 said that, I must
have had about nihe drinks. Because 1
hate that kind of comment. Certainly,
Burton, above all, has demonstrated an
ability and a desire to risk himself. You
don't go out in Hamlet at the age of 40
and not risk something.

PLAYBOY: What are some of the risks
you've taken in your career? How per-
sonally courageous have you been?

SCOTT: [Laughs] Everything 1 did was a
risk. I'm always disgusted with the lack
of personal courage in myself. Always
disgusted. You try to be a better person
and courage is at the core of being a
better person. I've done a lot of things
that I'm not happy with and that's

essentially lack of self-discipline and
courage. I don't like to dwell on it.
PLAYBOY: While you're still down on
yourself, how do you react to Joseph E.
Levine's blaming you for expensive de-
lays during filming of The Day of the
Dolphin?

SCOTT: That asshole! Jesus Christ. I didn't
delay his fucking picture. We had ter-
rible weather. Ask Mike Nichols whether
or not I delayed his picture. That old
cunt! What a remarkable claim on his
part.

PLAYBOY: What went wrong with that
film?

scott: We had script problems before it
started. Trish and I met with Mike in
Hollywood, 1 had a problem and I laid
it out for him and Trish agreed with me.
I was very interested in the film as long
as it dealt with the dolphins and the
communication problem and that in-
credible kind of metaphysical situation
of man reaching to his past. Where the
picture seemed to turn a corner for me
that I didn't like was when we got into
blowing up the President and all the

"I'm always disgusted with
the lack of personal
courage in myself. You try
to be a better person and
courage is at the core of
being a better person.”

rest of that melodramatic television crap.
I thought it was two different movies. In
essence, Levine said, You could be right,
but there is nothing we can do about it
at this juncture.

PLAYBOY: Let's talk about acting for a
while. You distinguish yourself from
most other actors by being anti-Method,
by saying you're a cold, technical, objec-
tive actor. Who, besides yourself, feels
that way about acting?

scort: Someone 1 admire greatly and
who is an external actor is Lawrence
Olivier, always has been. He believes
that films and television, 1 don't know
about the stage, the eyes are the most
important thing, and if the eyes work,
the rest is easy.

PLAYBOY: Do you find that true?

SCOTI: 1 certainly do for a man like him,
and probably for me, tco.

PLAYBOY: Besides those already men-
tioned, who are some of your favorite
actors?

scott: Anthony Hopkins is one of the
better actors in my estimation.
Hopkins is the natural heir to Olivier. I

don't see anybody in England who can
come closer to Larry. If Tony Hopkins
can keep his health and keep working.
he will become the Olivier of the
Eighties. 1 very much admire a couple of
young men in this country, Jim Faren-
tino, Peter Strauss. Martin Sheen is a
favo! actor of mine. Of course, Bette
Davis is my bloody idol. I adınire her
more than any film actor.

PLAYBOY: What about someone more con-
temporary, such as Jane Fonda?

scott: Ah, gee, that’s really hard. I don't
know what to say. I have no comment
on her.

PLAYBOY: Turning to the men, do you
have an opinion of Warren Beatty?
scott: Thats another onc with no com-
ment.

PLAYBOY: Robert Redford?

SCOTT: I'm afraid he's been trapped: Mr.
Pretty and this terrible sexual thing that
women seem to have for him. It’s hurt
him badly. He's very socially aware and
conscientious.

PLAYBOY: Al Pacino?

scott: I admire Al. I think he's done
some marvelous things. Pacino has every
possible potential for being a really fine
actor. He’s had bad luck in choices and
he probably knows that. I'm delighted to
sec him back on stage. I don't care if it’

s
Richard III or what the fuck. I admire
him for that and I believe he has thc
quality of being a very first-class actor.
PLAYBOY: Jack Nicholson?

SCOTI: He's eccentric but very interesting.
A unique kind of approach. He shines
because he's himself a rather interesting
eccentric. А very fascinating actor,
Nicholson.

PLAYBOY: Robert De Niro?

scott: I find him rather sullen. I would
like to see him do something a litle
away from the kind of thing I've scen
him do. 1 think the jury's still out.
PLAYBOY: Dustin Hoffman?

scott: I've always liked Dustin's work.
He's an extremely gifted actor. He can
get a little mannered at times, but that's
the only criticism.

PLAYBOY: What about some of the earlier
actors, such as Bogart, Tracy, Cagney?
SCOTI: I was never a great [an of Bogoy's,
never thought he was much of an actor.
He was a hell of a personality. I was very
fond of Tracy and his work; he was an
extremely naturalistic actor and got away
with it very well. I always admired
Cagney. 1 think my favorite was Paul
Muni of all of them of that a 1
learned more from watching Paul Muni
than anybody else, although we're not at
all similar in type. 1 liked the kind of
things he did, especially those biogra-
phies like Zola and Pasteur.

PLAYBOY: Do you recall whom you've
called the only true tough guy in film
and on stage?

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PLAYBOY

138

scott: Mitch. [Robert Mitchum] Mitch
over the years was as tough as anybody
who ever lived out here. He'd go with
anybody. He didn't give a damn. Lovely
man.

PLAYBOY: What about Burt Reynolds?
SCOTT: I admire him greatly. The man's
paid his dues. He's been around a long
time, longer than most people dreamed.
He has ability. He has courage. I just
hope they don't work him to fucking
death doing their shit. I don't know him
personally. Id like to know him. He
seems like the kind of guy you'd like to
know. He's not superficially humble,
none of that stuff. Also, I don't find him.
oppressingly egocentric, either. He has
humor about himself, which is essential.
PLAYBOY: What about your own sense of
humor?

scott, 1 wish to God people would give
me more credit. 1 love to laugh, I love
having a good time, 1 love jokes, I
love fucking around, 1 think I'm funny.
I think I laugh all the fucking time, Not
nearly enough of that is written or said
about me. I'd appreciate it if you'd put
that in; I'm so tired of being looked
upon as some dreary sicko. It really is
such a bore. Most of the work I've done
has really been comedic. No one really
realizes that. The large body of stage
work T've done has been vastly comedic,
but no one ever saw it. The two most
memorahte things comedically that Tve
done onstage were Plaza Suite and Sly
Fox and they were separated by about
ten years. People are awfully astonished
that I do that,

PLAYBOY: Probably because you've played
such memo Jc licavies.

SCOTT: Yeah, and I'm going to go back to
them, I've been playing Mr. Nice Guy
too much the past few years. It's dull. 1
want to go back to playing psychopaths.
I did it well.

PLAYBOY: You're a good psychopath.
bout psychoanalysis?

SCOTT: I saw а psychiatrist four times in
my life, Four visits. 1 kept laughing; I
couldn't really get serious. The average
asshole like you or me, who is trying to
function, get along, cope in life under
the stresses and strains, most of us were
so romanced into going that route that
it became such а fad and such a scheme
within itself that it became, to me, hilar-
If it helps you, it helps you. ТЕ
standing on your head on a roof helps
you, it helps you if you think so.
PLAYBOY: Tcll that to Woody Allen.
SCOTT: I have never been a fan of Woody
Allen's. I'm sorry. Somebody closed the
door on me there. God knows, many
people say he's the funniest in the world,
but l've never been able to appreciate
his humor. 1 find him neurotic. I know
him only very casually. Played ball with

ious.

him once or twice. I never found him a
particularly pleasant person, but I'm
sure he didn't walk away thinking I was
King Shit, either. As far as the humor
goes, I find it so neurotic that it's un-
ng.

PLAYBOY: What about Mel Brooks?

scott: Terribly funny.

PLAYBOY: Who else do you find funny?
SCOTI: Art Carney destroys me. Red But-
tons I love. I've always been very fond
of Jackie Gleason. Bill Cosby's a genius.
‘There's nobody who can touch him. The
guy kills me. He's not dirty. There isn't
a blue joke, a dirty word, he does people
humor and it's sidesplitting.

PLAYBOY: How about yourself? Are you
happy very often?

SCOTT: I never thought that happiness
was a particularly attainable state and if
it is, I'm not so sure that it’s particularly
desirable. We all have such problems
and feel such personal inadequacies from
time to time. You can't go to pieces
and stop. You've got to find some way to
cope and go on. If I've learned anything,

س
“I never thought that‏
happiness was a partic-‏
ularly attainable state and‏
if itis, I’m not so sure that‏
it’s particularly desirable.”‏
———

I've learned that, because, God knows,
T've survived up to now.

PLAYBOY: OK, we're almost done. Just a
few last questions. What's your greatest
fault?

SCOTT: I'd say that the plate is so crowded
with delicacies it would be hard to pick
out my greatest fault. It's scrambled eggs
or the bacon strip. Whatever, 1 certainly
try to avoid thinking about it.

PLAYBOY: Do you think anyone has ever
really known you?

scott: I think so. A few friends.

PLAYBOY: What occupies your thinking
hours most these days?

SCOTT: I'm trying to write a novel now,
after 30 years. It's going to have cight or
nine books in it. I've finished two of
them. I've written 450 pages.

PLAYBOY: 105 going to be your Remem-
brance of Things Past?

SCOTI: No, it has nothing to do with me.
PLAYBOY: We meant Proust and his seven
volumes.

scott: Oh.

PLAYBOY: Is this the first time you've
talked about it?

SCOTT: Yes.

PLAYBOY: How many hours a day do you
write, when you're writing?

SCOTT: About five hours a day. I get very
fatigued if I go longer. When 1 write, 1
write every day. Discipline is what is
difficult about it. Forcing oneself to do it
when you don't feel like it. It's going to
take some years. It looms as an insur-
mountable obstacle. It really does. Doro-
thy Parker said something like, I love
having written, but I hate to write.
PLAYBOY: What is it about?

SCOTT: It's concerned with the Mexican-
American War. 1 own more books about
the Mexican war than any other person
alive. ] plan to go to Mexico and spend
several months next ycar.

PLAYBOY: Are you ready to publish any-
thing yet?

scott: Oh, Cod, no.

PIAYBOY: Have you had any interest from
publishers?

SCOTT: I have, a half dozen so far.
PLAYBOY: Have they read anything yet?
SCOTT: No. [4 flying insect enters the
тоот. Scoti notices it] There's a wasp
back there! It's not a wasp, it’s a bee.
PLAYBOY: It’s under the paper.

SCOTT: [Folds a magazine, approaches the
bee menacingly] Sorry, babe. [W hacks it]
Murder strikes again.

PLAYBOY: Have you thought about death
much?

scott: All artists think about that, if one
calls himself an ari which I don't like
to do. One thinks more about it when
he's young, because there's so much you
want to try to do and you're so scarcd
that something will happen and you'll
be chopped off.

PLAYBOY: Perhaps that was a young bee.
Do you fear growing old?

SCOTT: I have no fear of growing old or of
being a has-been. If the public rejects me
tonight, I've had a terrific ride, a hell
of a time.

PLAYBOY: How would you like to be re-
membered?

scott: I would like to be remembered
positively by my friends and such family
as would care to remember me. Friends
and family are important. As far as how
the world sees me, I can't tli of any-
thing less important. Unless a. person is
some sort of a leader. I'm not a leader.
I've led nothing and nobody nowhere.
PLAYBOY: Well, we've covered a lot of
territory, been through some peaks and
valleys of your life. Just one last ques-
tion: With all you've said about global
war and violence in our society, is there
any hope? Are you at all optimistic?
ѕсотт. You have to be optimistic. It's
100 easy to be pessimistic. What is i
Faulkner said? "Mankind will not only

scort: “Prevail,” thank you. Otherwise,
you know, you would blow your brains

ош.
Bg

DN

BOY?

One who can be intimate without being possessive. A man who can give—a long silky robe or an
irresistibly soft kitten— because giving nurtures the quality of a relationship. He reads PLAYBOY.
because it guides him, wisely and knowingly, to the enduring pleasures of life. What sort of man
reads PLAYBOY? A man who knows that his awareness of taste and style will take him where
he wants to go. For all such goals, and more, he depends on PLAYBOY month after month.

ILLUSTRATION BY PATER SATO

“you are in faulty cryonic suspension,” said the ship. “i can’t correct it and i can’t repair it.
you will be conscious but paralyzed for ten years.” “oh, my god,” said victor kemmings

fiction BY PHILIP K. DICK Auc take-off, ine

ship routinely monitored the condition of the 60 people
sleeping in its cryonic tanks. One malfunction showed, that
of person nine. His EEG revealed brain activity.

Shit, the ship said to itself.

Complex homeostatic devices locked into circuit feed, and
the ship contacted person nine.

"You are slightly awake," the ship said, utilizing the psy-
chotronic route; there was no point in rousing person nine to

PLAYBOY

142

full consciousness. After all, the flight
would last a decade.
Virtually unconscious but, unfortu-

nately, still able to think, person nine
thought, Someone is addressing me. He

said, "Where am I located? I don't sce
anything."
“You're in faulty cryonic suspension.

He said, “Then I shouldn't be able to
hear you

“Faulty, I said. That's the point; you
can hear me. Do you know your name?”

"Victor Kemmings. Bring me out of

th

We are in flight.”

Then put me under.”

ust a moment.” The ship examined

the cryonic mechanisms; it scanned and

surveyed, and then it said, “I will t
Time passed. Victor Kemmings, un-

able to see anything, unaware of his body,

found himself still conscious. "Lower
my temperature,” he said. He could not
hear his voice; perhaps he only imagined

he spoke. Colors floated toward him and.
then rushed at him. He liked the color:
they reminded him of a child's paintbox,
the semi-animated kind, an artificial life
form. He had used them in school, 200
ago.

can't put you under," the voice of
the ship sounded inside Kemmings’ head.
"The malfunction is too elaborate; I

for ten years."
mated colors rushed
toward him, but now they possessed a
sinister quality, supplied to them by his
own fear. “Oh, my God," he said. Ten
years! The colors darkened.

.

As Victor Kemmings lay paralyzed,
surrounded by dismal flickerings of light,
the ship explained to him its strategy.
This strategy did not represent a de
sion on its part; the ship had been pro-
grammed to seck this solution in case
of a malfunction of this sort.

“What I will do," the voice of the ship
came to him, “is feed you sensory stimu-
lation. The peril to you is sensory depri-
vation. И you are conscious for ten years
without sensory data, your mind will
deteriorate. When we reach the 1,84 sys-
tem, you will be a vegetable.”

“Well, what do you intend to fced
me?” Kemmings said іп panic. "What
do you have in your information storage
nks? АП the video soap operas of the
last century? Wake me up and ГИ walk
around."

"There is no air in me,” the ship said.
“Nothing for you to eat. No onc to talk
to, since everyone else is under.”

Kemmings said, “I can talk to you. We
can play chess.”
ot for ten years. Listen to me; I
say, I have no food and no air. You must
remain as you аге... а bad compromise,
but onc forced on us. You arc talking to

me now. I have no particular informa-
tion stored. Here is policy in thesc
situations: 1 will feed you your own
buried memories, emphasizing the
pleasant ones. You possess two hundred
and six years of memories and most of
them have sunk down into your uncon-
scious. This is a splendid source of sen-
sory data for you to receive. Be of good
checr. This situation, which you are in,
not unique. It has never happened
within my domain before, but 1 am pro-
grammed to deal with it. Relax and trust
me. ] will see that you are provided with
a world.

“They should have warned me,” Kem-
mings said, “before I agreed to emigrate.”

“Relax,” the ship said.

He relaxed, but he was terribly fright-
ened. Theoretically, he should have gone
under, into the successful cryonic sus-
pension, then awakened a moment later
at his star of destination; or, rather, the
planet, the colony-planet, of that star.
Everyone else aboard the ship lay in an
unknowing state; he was the exception,
as if bad karma had attacked him for
obscure reasons. Worst of all, he had to
depend totally on the good will of the
ship. Suppose it elected to feed him
monsters. The ship could terrorize him
for ten ycars—ten objective years and
undoubtedly more from a subjective
standpoint. He was, in effect, totally
the ship's power. Did interstellar ships
enjoy such a situation? He knew little
about interstellar ships; his field was
microbiology. Let me think, he said to
himself. My t wife, Martine; the
lovely little French girl who wore jeans
and a red shirt open to the waist and
cooked delicious crepes.

“1 hear,” the ship said. “So be it.

The rushing colors resolved themselves
into coherent, stable shapes. A building:
a little old yellow wooden house that
he had owned when he was 19 ycars old,
in Wyoming. “Wait,” he said in pani
“The foundation was bad; it was on a
mud sill. And the roof leaked." But he
saw the kitchen, with the table that he
had built himself. And he felt glad.

"You will not know, after a little
while," the ship said, “that I am feeding
you your own buried memories."

"I haven't thought of that house i
a century," he said, wonderingly; en-
tranced, he made out his old electric
drip coffeepot with the box of paper
filters beside it. This is the house where
Martine and I lived, he realized. "Mar-
tine!” he said aloud.

“Im on the phone," Martine said,
from the living room.

The ship said, "I will cut in only when
there is an emergency, 1 will be monitor-

п the right rear burner on
Martine called. He could

the stove,"

hear her and yet not see her. He made
his way from thc kitchen through the
dining room and into the living room.
At the VF, Martine stood in rapt con-
versation with her brother; she wore
shorts and she was barefoot. Through
the front windows of the living room, he
could sce the strect; a commercial vehicle
was trying to park, without success.

It’s a warm day, he thought. I should
turn on thc air conditioner.

.

He seated himself on the old sofa as
lartine continued her VF conversation,
and he found himself gazing at his most
cherished possession, a framed poster
on the wall above Martine: Gilbert Shel-
ton’s Fat Freddy Says drawing in which
Freddy Freak sits with his cat on his lap
and Fat Freddy is trying to say, “Speed
kills,” but he is so wired on speed—he
holds in his hand every kind of amphet-
amine tablet, pill, Spansule and capsule
that ts—that he can't say it, and the
cat is gritting its teeth and wincing in
a mixture of dismay and disgust. The
poster is signed by Gilbert Shelton
self; Kemmings’ best friend, Ray Tor-
rance, gave it to him and Martine as a
wedding present. It is worth thousands.
It was signed by the artist back in the
1980s. Long before either Victor Kem-
mings or Martine lived.

If we ever run out of money, Kem-
mings thought to himself, we could sell
the poster. It was not a poster; it was the
poster. Martine adored it, The Fabulous
Furry Freak Brothers—from the golden
age of a long-ago society. No wonder he
loved Martine so; she herself loved back,
loved the beauties of the world, and
treasured and cherished them as she
treasured and cherished him; it was a
protective Jove that nourished but did
not stifle. It had been her idea to frame
the poster; he would have tacked it up on
the wall, so stupid was he.

“Hi,” Martine said, off the VF now.
“What are you thinking?”

Just that you keep alive what you
love,” he said.

“I think that's what you're supposed
to do,” Martine said. “Are you ready for
dinner? Open some red wine, a cabernet.

“Will an ‘07 do?" he said, standing up;
he felt, then, like taking hold of his wite
and hugging her.
her ап '07 or a "12." She trotted
past him, through the dining room and
into the kitchen.

Going down into the cellar, he began
to search among the bottles, which, of
course, lay flat. Musty air and dampness;
he liked the smell of the cellar, but then
he noticed the redwood pl.
half-buried in the dirt and he thou
know I've got to get a concrete slab
poured. He forgot about the wine and
went over to the far corner, where the

(continued on page 311)

“Oh-oh! Looks like we're in for another long evening of humbuggery!”

SHE'S BEEN CALLED a sex symbol, a girl scout,
an Occidental geisha, a “good girl dressed as
a bad woman,” “pure sin on sight,” the em-
bodiment of a perpetual male erotic fantasy.
Her working uniform is arguably the world’s
most recognized. She was born 20 years ago.
She's the Playboy Bunny, and ever since that
memorable. night in February 1960, she has
been the subject of curiosity—then, and now,
often manifested in goggle-cyed stares—and
controversy. Back in 1960, purselipped Mrs.
Grundys feared that the mere sight of these
shapely young ladies would corrupt the mor-
als of their sons. In 1980, militant femi
some of them equally grim-visaged, complain
that the Bunnies themselves are the victims
ofsome sort of sexist corruption.

Still, the (text continued on page 260)

The Bunny now and then: On the opening page, three Los Angeles Bunnies (from left), Wanda Huizenga, Betsy LeVeille and C. J.
Mobley, in the new cabaret costume fo be worn in Playboy Club showrooms. This page, top: Hugh M. Hefner surrounded by some
of the Bunnies from the early days of the Chicago Playboy Club, several of whom subsequently become Playmates of the Month. By
the end of its first month of operation, the Club, at 116 East Walton (above), had already entertained 16,800 keyholders and guests.

145

Note the collorless, cuffless Bunny costumes modeled by June "The Bosom”
Wilkinson (left) and Cynthia Maddox (below) during the infancy of the
Chicogo Club. June, an actress, wos о hit on TV's Ployboy's Penthouse;
Cynthia was the magazines Assistont Cartoon Editor in ће early Sixties.

Miss December 1958, Joyce Nizzari (left), took
advantage of her travel opportunities to Bunny-
hop through the Miami, Chicago and New
Orlecns Clubs. Our 1963 Ploymate of the Year,
June Cochran (below), wos Miss Indiana in both
Miss Universe ond Miss World competitions.

Pleyboy Clubs cared a reputation as showbiz’ biggest talent incubotor with early bookings of
such performers as (below, from left) George Carlin, Professor Irwin Corey and Dick Gregory,
the first block comic to breok the color barrier (here shown with Hefner ot the Chicogo Club).

To celebrate the Chicago Club's second birth-
day, a key-shaped cake for a Michigan Avenue
cop, delivered by Bunny Pot Higgenbotham.

Carrie Radison, Miss June 1957 (above left), and Terri Kimball, Miss May 1964 (above
center), were two more cottontails on FLAYBOY centerfolds; the photo of Kelly Collins
(obove right) was featured on the cover of the Bunny training manual. November
1960 Playmate Joni Mattis (left), a Bunny in Chicago, came to us as a model for
Playboy's Penthouse, later served on the staff of Playboy After Dark and is now с
social secretary at Playboy Mansion West; Bunny Christa Speck (below), Miss Sep-
tember 1961, is married to Hollywood producer Marty (Middle Age Crazy) Krofft.

4”

Reviewing the troops
(above): Hef checks out
new Bunny-costume de-
velopments at the
Ployboy Mansion in Chi-
cogo. At upper left, key-
holder Johnny Carson
end Manhotton cotton-
tails in one of TV's first
Bunny-spoof sketches,
telecast in April 1963. 1/5
а genre that remains pop-
ular to this day. At lower
loft, Stove Allen receiving
televised instruction in
the Bunny Dip from
Ploymate/Bunny Shera-
lee Conners of the New
York hutch. Below, June
1963 Playmote Connie
Moson, who was a Bunny
in Miami and Chicogo,
and whose daughter Elise
loter became a Bunny
in our New York Club.

Miss August 1964, China Lee (above), got so good at being o Bunny that
she trained girls for Club openings in severol cities; in 1963, she pitched
the Bunny Boseball teom to c no-hit victory in the Broadwoy Show
Leogue. Later on, she retired to become the wife of comic Mor! Sohl.
An unknown writer named Glorio Steinem (below left), colling herself
Marie Ochs, landed a Bunny job in New York to write an exposé
for Show magazine; Lauren Hutton (below right) wos yet to become
famous when she table-hopped in our East 59th Street digs in 1963.

Three of the stars of PLAYEOY’s August 1964 Bunnies of Chicago Pictorial, Sharon Rogers (above left), Koi Brendlinger (obove right) ond Moriko
Lukacs (below left). Both Sharon and Kei oppeared an the mogozine’s centerfold—Sharon in Jonuory 1964, Koi in November of that yeor;
Budopestborn Marika never did, but she obviously possessed some of the quolificotions. She also trounced mony keyholders at bumper pool.

даш ©

8 Merkle is moonlighting as a Bunny. Pass it on."

Cortoonists throughout the world have enjoyed с 20-year
тотопсе with the Bunny os subject; о 1964 exomple
oppecrs obove. Below, Bunnies Condis Eoyrs and
Morjie Morfin pose poolside ot our Jamaica Club-Hotel.

When the London Club
opened in 1966, photog-
raphers snapped Hef and
friends in Hyde Park (right).
One of the first British Bun-
nies was Dolly Read (be-
low), Miss May 1966, now
the wife of comedion Сіс]
Mortin and a popular
TV gameshow guest.

Reloxing in the London Club (below) are Victor Lownes, now
President of Playboy Clubs International, Inc., and actress
Joanna Pettet, one of mony celebrities who have frequented
the hutch. At bottom, Astrid Schulz (Miss September 1964) has
her cuffs autographed by Beatle George Harrison in the Los
Angeles Club as Apple recarding artist Jockie Lomax looks on.

Princess Morgaret gets her first glimpse of Bunnies a! 1967s Dockland

Seulement» Bull in London's Hotel Savoy (above). Montrecl Bunny Majken
Haugedal (below) became our Playmate of the Month in October 196B.

April 1967 Playmate Gwen Wong (above) alternated her duties ot the Las
Angeles Club with those of a Jet Bunny flight attendant abaord Hefner's
customized stretch DC-9, the Big Bunny. Belaw, five members of the crew
af Jet Bunnies wha accompanied Hef on а trip ta Europe and Africa in
1970 pause far a few maments af sight-seeing in Piazza San Marca, Venice.

Another Jet Bunny, Carole Green, pases оп Hefner's elliptical
bed oboard the Big Bunny (above); Corole's sister Cothy was а
San Francisca Bunny. Marilyn Cole (below), aur Playmate of the
Year for 1973, discarded her Bunny ears and tail in favor of a
public-relations position at the London Club, her home hutch.

Above left, PLAYBOY artist extraordinaire LeRoy Neiman
sketches our first Bunny of the Yeor, 1970's Gina Byroms;
above right, locking nothing like she does with Blondie,
is Deborah Harry, who did o 1970 stint in the New Yo:

Club. Below is December 1968 Playmate/Bunny Cynthia
Myers, a star of the film Beyond the Valley of the Dolls.

Playmote/Bunny Karen Christy (above), a former Hefner girlfriend featured іп Goy
Tolese’s best seller Thy Neighbor's Wife, is now married to Baltimore Colts line-
backer Ed Simonini. Oops (below left): Kathie Wits waterlogged cottontoil drags
her Bunny bikini bottam down in Miami’s Biscayne Bay. Below right, 1971 Bunny of
the Year Cheryl Lee, in Snow Bunny geor, tries Playboy's Great Gorge ski slopes.

Below is another view af Cheryl Lee, the Chi-
cago cottontail wha was crowned Bunny of the
Year for 1971. During her reign, she wos much
in demand for personal and TV appearances.

Miss October 1969, Jean Bell (lef), on actress
(The Choirboys) who was once linked ro-
mantically with Richard Burton, ond Ava
Cherry (right), wha appeared with David
Bowie's singing group, really were Bunnies;
Farrah Fawcett (above) faked it for a 1971
TV movie, The Feminist and the Fuzz, орро-
site David (Good Morning America) Hortman.

Ringers in cottontails: Above,
Cher, Chastity and Sonny Bono
during an engagement at
Loke Geneva; below, Bunny
Geraldine and Bing Crosby

‘on an episode of The Flip
Wilson Show on TV.

Carol Vitale (belaw) has been a Bunny

Miami, a Playmate (July 1974) ond с
ғілтвот cover gil (August 1972); in
Sommy Somebody, she played—a Bunny.

We found the generously endowed Janet Lupo (right)
working as a Bunny at our Great Gorge Resort and
Country Club and—no fools, we—quickly rushed
her onto the gatefold of our November 1975 issue.

Above, a scene from 1973's televised Bunny of the Year pageant,
at which Lake Geneva's Coni Hugee succeeded Los Angeles’ Ruthy
Ross. Below, five Bunnies visit Tokyo's Yasukuni Shrine on а 1973
good-will visit to Japan, where they boosted Playboy Products—
and scouted territory for the subsequent openings of four Clubs.

Victoria Cunningham, Miss April
1975 (below), was discovered
working in our Los Angeles Club;
she later became а Jet Bunny
end our March 1976 cover gi

The Smothers Brothers, Dick and Tom, borrow Bunny ears
from twins Glenda and Brenda Lott during а 1974
appearance at our Great Gorge resort (above). Below, Hef
and Saturday Night Live's Gilda Radner, Jane Curtin and
Loraine Newman pose for his 1977 gig as its host.

Lake Geneva Bunny Barbara Sawyer (below),
interviewed for our Bunnies of ^75 feature pub-

ished in November of tho! year, told us she'd
token up belly dancing to improve her stomach
muscles. They look just fine to us, thanks.

Angie Chester (above left), Bunny of the Year 1974, is now a
professional dancer. When Beth Martin won the silver ears
of Bunny of the Year 1975 (above right), Groucha Marx was
there ta wish her well. Actress ond LA. Bunny Maria Richwine
(below left! played Buddy's wife in The Buddy Holly Story.

А St. Louis Bunny, Patti McGuire (above left), became Miss November 1976, Ploymate of the Yeor far
1977—and wed tennis ace Jimmy Connors. Lynne Moody (above right, as a Los Angeles Bunny) wos
Alex Haley's great-grandma in TV's Roofs. L.A. Bunny Hope Olson (below) wos Miss October 1976.

1975 picketed on
behalf of Bunny lib, including the
right to dote keyholders-ond won. my

Yurika Acki welcomes keyholders to the
Tokyo Club (right); below, twins Moira
(left) and SI Stone, who have worked

At right, Bunny Lovise Palmer gives Brit
gin’s Queen Elizobeth a doisy at 1978's
Epsom Downs Derby Day. Below, at the
los Angeles Club, Dorothy Straten,
whose reign оз Playmate of the Year
was tragically cut short last summer.

Chicago’ Candace Collins (above) aban-
doned Bunnydom for modeling after ap-
pearing os Miss December 1979. Chicago
hutchmate Venice Kong (below) is the
daughter and niece of former Jamaica
cottontails Barbara ond Paula Anderson.

When the Playboy Clubs were getting ready ta celebrate their 20th birthday, they put out a call
for girls born on February 29, 1960. The happy outcome: 20th Anniversary Bunny Danita Jo Fox.

while other americans were being evicted, one E
black activist turned muslim was allowed almost total .
access. here are some of his impressions

INSIDE
KHOMEINIS IRAN

BY DICK GREGORY WITH BARBARA REYNOLDS

DR. NO
MY MAN SADEGH, the guy in charge of throwing the foreign press out,
turned to me and asked, out of the blue, if 1 wanted to sce the imam.

Well, that was wild. 1 had not asked to see the Ayatollah or any other offi-
cials, I came here to fast and pray for the safe resolution of the hostage crisis.
But this was really wild, to be on my way to see the Man—without even asking.

"Then, like something out of a James Bond flick, the car made a sudden
turn, cut up an alley, passing sandbag barricades and soldiers in green fatigues.
Wouldn't think somebody so important would be guarded by just a half

PLAYBOY

dozen guys. A boyscout troop could
have run through here. These guards
can’t be here for security alone—maybe
they're here for crowd control.

‘The imam, victim of a recent heart
auack, was living in a borrowed house
in Tehran to be near the hospital.
Natch, I was not surprised to see an
ambulance parked out front. (Before I
left Iran, the Ayatollah returned to his
home in northern Tehran, so I assume
he got better.)

We walked into the yard, were
searched by the guard, entered the
house and took our shoes off. On
the first floor, we encountered a lot of
people eating on a tablecloth on the
floor. There were no tables or chairs in
the room, just people squatting around
the tablecloth. Folks do a lot of squat-
ting over here.

In one corner, a group of religious
leaders were meeting with Ahmad, the
imam’s 35-year-old son. Ahmad rose to
power as chief aide after his older
brother Mustafa died mysteriously in
1977. 175 believed that Mustafa, a cleric
in his mid-40s, was poisoned by the
shah’s secret police, SAVAK. His death
sparked an outburst of rioting, with the
students really shooting up the place.

Sadegh asked the appointment secre-
tary if I could see the Ayatollah. The
secretary said the imam hadn't seen
anyone other than the revolutionary
council in the past several months. The
secretary said he'd let me know if I
could see the Man.

The next day was Wednesday. 1
hadn't eaten for 12 days, but that
day I drank some juice. I wanted
to be strong. Sadegh called early—the
imam would see me. We returned to
the house, but that time we weren't
searched. The guard looked at Sadegh,
said something in Farsi and waved us in.
(1 later found out the guard said, “Oh,
you're with the little black fellow.")
Once inside, we spent a half hour wait-
ing for the imam’s appoinunent secre-
tary to get us. Sadegh was nervous, and
I was trying to figure out what to call this
man: Mr. Ayatollah? Just then, the guy
nodded and we entered this huge room
with nothing in it but a couch—and
the Ayatollah.

What a sight! The imam was on the
couch with his feet out on a huge stool.
A blanket covered him from chest to
feet, leaving only the turbaned head and
beard exposed. Sadegh was perspiring—
he had never met the imam before. And
to most Iranians, the Ayatollah is a
personage akin to Jesus Christ.

The Ayatollah appeared intractable
and uncompromising. But this is what
the Iranians want him to be. He is the
complete antithesis of the shah, who had
been too accommodating. The monarch

160 allowed the nation to be bled by the

leeches of the superpowers; foreigners
were allowed to exploit and raid the
resources of the country, regardless of
the needs of the Iranian people. Even
the agricultural base of the nation was
deliberately destroyed to turn Iran into
an export market for others.

Between 1972 and 1976, the U.S. sold
more than ten billion dollars’ worth of
arms to Iran—maybe ten percent of the
Iranian G.N.P. This arms game, just part
of the transformation that made Iran the
U.S. policeman in the Middle East,
drained the nation of resources needed
to improve education, housing, health
services and urbanization. Ironically,
many of the arms bought were so сош-
plex that the Iranians couldn't use them.

When you look at the Ayatollah, that
tiny man with the black turban, you
know with all certainty that the super-
powers will never regain control of Iran
without a fight to the death. The Ayatol-
lah hates the Soviets and would align
with them only if we pushed him into
their camp. He is powerful, not because
he represents the most radical point of
view but because he first said no to the
shah and, therefore, can say no to every-
one else who is considered to be anti-
Iran. Iranians aren't afraid he'll give
their country to the superpowers. They
know he'll just sit there on his rug and
say no. And after all that's been ripped
off, the Iranians want a Dr. No.

Partially because of the imam's health,
the plan I had presented to the Iranian
government for the release of the hos-
tages was not discussed at my first meet-
ing with him. After all, its purpose was
ceremonial—just to get acquainted.
Phase one of the plan called for the im-
mediate release of the hostages who could
not be considered spies, as a show of
good faith in continuing negotiations
with the U. S. Phase two called for the
U. S. to return an estimated eight billion
dollars in Iranian funds frozen in Amer-
ican banks. The money would be
matched by other nations to establish a
world food bank, with the shah's palace
serving as headquarters. Phase three
would necessitate the gathering of
the world press in Iran to check out
what really went on under the shah. The
plan was announced in the local news-
papers in a three-part series. One day І
hope the Ayatollah will let me know
what he thought of it.

I didn't mention the return of the
shah in the plan. He was never ours to
return. There are many indications that
the Iranians are ready to resolve this
crisis. They are tired of it. I was told
that the joy of making the superpowers
squirm is becoming insignificant. Be-
sides, this crisis is hurting poor people
not only in Iran and America but in
the rest of the world as well. Iran has
had to increase its defense budget at the

expense of domestic services to the poor.
And America is in the same fix.

1 thanked the imam for seeing me and
told him that millions of people across
the world had followed the struggle here,
a struggle I hoped would give strength
and courage to oppressed people cvery-
where. However, I said, I felt it wouldn't.
be as easy for the oppressed to rise up
elsewhere, because of one important in-
gredient—fear. Sadegh translated that
and for a split second, the imam held
his head down a bit, like he didn’t feel
well. Then Sadegh said we should leave.

Downstairs again, 1 put my shoes back
on. A big newspaper publisher here told
me the imam had stopped having his
picture taken with people. Something
had embarrassed him. Maybe it was like
the something that embarrassed Rosalynn
Carter after she had her picture taken
with mass murderer John Gacy.

As I left, I saw Ahmad hurrying away.
His grandmother had just died.

THE RESCUE MISSION

Attended a prayer meeting at Tehran
University today. My buddy, Sadegh, was
showing me how to bend down on this
rock to ask forgiveness. The army chief
of staff and the delense
worshiping nearby. The service was in-
terrupted by an announcement—later
proved erroneous—that two American
planes had been shot down over Iran.
Like most people here, I thought it was
an attack—that this was finally it, the
start of World War Three.

Well, I hit the rock and really began
praying for forgiveness. Thought they
were going to try to bomb this town off
the face of the earth. But, in a sense, I
felt a rush of real peace. Momma would
be proud of me. I bet she always thought
1 was going to die іп one of those Chi-
cago taverns I used to hang out in. But
now I was going to die at a prayer meet-
ing. I left the service and got caught up
in a crowd of some 400,000 people head-
ing toward the U. S. embassy.

In America, everybody would run in-
side and hide if they thought they were
under attack. Here, the people run out
into the streets. As I stood in front of
the 24acre embassy complex in the
heart of the city, it was easy to see why
initially nobody thought this was a res-
cue mission. It looked like an impossible
mission to pull off without killing the
hostages. This was just the type of thing
I was fasting about, and praying would
never happen. Lord, help us all, if Car-
ter tries amy more "rescue missions."
Next day's headline: "CARTER WILLING TO
COMMIT ANY CRIME FOR RE-ELECTION.”

THE RALLY

The day I met with the imam, one of
his doctors asked me to speak at a rally

“We've had it with wage earning—we’re all going

out and becoming small businessmen.”

161

PLAYBOY

in place of Ali Agah, the former Iranian
chargé d'affaires to the United States,
who was in Africa. I told the physician
that my purpose here was not political
and attempted to decline the invitation. I
was told, however, that I would be speak-
ing to the poorest people in the city.
Poverty in southern Tehran is worse
than anything seen in U.S. ghettos.
"Three fourths of the people in Iran live
on one fourth of the land. Although I
did see some low-income-housing con-
struction, it's nothing to see ten people
to a room here. But it is clean. No dogs.
rats or roaches.

This same section of town has a hor-
rible drug problem. Iran is known to
have probably the worst heroin problem
in the world, with some 200,000 regis-
tered addicts and about 2,000,000 users.
Some believe the addiction problem is
part of a conspiracy to retard the rev-
olutionary spirit of the people—a theory
not unlike the explanation of the in-
troduction of heroin to the inner cities
of America, or the strategy that moved
the then-Rhodesian government to give
the blacks free beer on the weekend.
Some say the heroin was sent to Iran by
the CIA or by Western European or
SAVAK agents who had escaped to
Britain or France during the revolution.
105 dirtcheap. Heroin that should sell
for eight dollars goes for 50 cents.

Many Iranian officials believe that
drastic measures must be taken to stem
this addiction before the people start
having opium wars. Consequently, one
of the penalties for pushing dope is
execution. On June third, a man and a
woman were killed. But that’s nothing—
on another day, 90 pushers were ex-
ecuted. In onc celebrated case, a man
was sentenced to death on charges that
he turned an cight-year-old girl into an
addict and then raped her. You know
he saw the firing squad. But the govern-
ment is kind to the addicts. Recently, it
took the shah's summer resort, complete
with his $226,000,000 air-conditioned
palace, and turned it into an addiction
center. Going through the palace, 1 saw
that the shah must have laid the place
out. His stereo system was bad. He had
tape decks all over the place. I found a
tape of Aretha Franklin in his john.

I spoke for two hours at the rally,
basically relating how poverty can be-
come a state of mind you can't outgrow.
About 700 young people were in the
audience, women on onc side, men on
the other. I told how American blacks
had come out of slavery and made moves.
away from poverty because of a pro-
found belief in God. I told them a story
about two blind men, both of whom
roamed the streets, looking for help.

162 One beggar cried, "He is helped whom

God helps.” The other beggar cried, "He
is helped whom the king helps" The
king heard that and was flattered.
He baked with a bar of gold in it a loaf
of bread and sent it to the man who had
flattered him. Thinking the bread was
heavy and unfit to eat, he sold it for a
few pennics to the man with faith in God.
He took it home, found the treasure and
thus had to beg no more. The other
beggar was still crying, "He is helped
whom the king helps" The king sent
for him and asked him what had hap-
pened to the bread he had sent. The
beggar said that it had seemed heavy
and poorly baked, so he had sold it to a
friend. Said the king, “Truly, he is
helped whom God helps.”

In a place that had just had a shah
who was supposed to be greater than
God, that story really went over. They
clapped and carried on. Then they
passed about 100 questions up to me:
"They wanted to know what I thought
about Muhammad Ali and they had a
lot of questions about the Black Mus-
lims. I told them Ali was the most
important and influential human being
on the planet, because of his visibility.
Regarding the Black Muslims, I told
them I never understood the great job
Elijah Muhammad had done until I
came to a Moslem country. The Black
Muslims don't smoke, don't eat pork,
don't drink and don't have a drug prob-
lem. Elijah Muhammad took Christians,
black Americans, who were raised on
pork, and converted them. You have to
respect the man.

After the speech, a religious man
walked toward me. He made me nervous
at first, because I thought he was going
to say I had talked too long. Instead,
he thanked me for speaking and gave me
an autographed picture of the Ayatollah.
As I left the podium, the revolutionary
guards pulled out their guns and waved
them in the air to show they liked my
speech. They escorted me back to my
hotel, the Semiramis.

When 1 got back to the hotel, the
English-speaking desk clerk told me I was
a hero, The imam had mentioned me on
the radio, saying I was fasting for peace
and had lost about 50 pounds.

‘THE STUDENTS

The embassy take-over was a surprise,
not only to the United States but to
the students themselves. They didn't
have a takeover in mind when they
marched toward the embassy, shouting
death slogans against the shah and Pres-
ident Carter. They were enraged by the
U. S.' allowing the shah into a New York
hospital. The students did not believe
the monarch was ill. If he were, they
protested, why did the U. S. refuse to let
the Iranian doctors examine him? Were

the Americans trying to harbor the shah
in order to restore him to the throne,
as was done by the CIA in 1953?

The students felt they had to do
something to show their outrage, and the
hated embassy was as good a place as
any. They actually hated the American
embassy even more than the shah's
palace. They had always believed the
embassy was Iran's true seat of power.

During the march to the embassy,
some students decided to jump over the
wall and go as far into the compound as
they could before they were shot down
or killed. Few things are as sacred to
Iranians as martyrdom—to them, that's
greater than the Nobel Peace Prize. Cus-
tom dictates that the bodies of martyrs
be wrapped in white shrouds and parad-
ed around the city.

Once at the embassy gates, the stu-
dents cut the heavy chain and swelled
inside. Meeting no armed resistance
from the Iranian guards, they kept go-
ing. They shouted to those inside that
they did not want to hurt anyone, only
to stage a sit-in. It was at that point that
they expected the Marines to open up
with automatic fire and blow them away.
When that failed to happen, the stu-
dents became bolder, and from then on,
their plans developed on the spot—be-
ginning with their seizure of weapons
from the embassy arsenal. The students
said they had only a few handguns when
they entered the complex: they were no
match for the automatics wielded by the
Marine guards. But not a single shot
was fired and the students ended up
with the embassy—something they
hadn't anticipated, hadn't wanted and
really didn't know quite what to do with
oncc thcy had it.

Whatever their intentions, the stu-
dents showed me a State Department
document, dated August I, 1979, warn-
ing Washington that such a take-over
could happen if the shah were admitted
to the United States: "INo moves should
be made toward admitting the shah until
a new and substantially effective guard
force is obtained for the embassy."

"The document went on to say: "When
[a] decision is made to admit the shah,
we should quietly assign additional
American security guards to the embassy
to provide protection for key personnel
until the danger is considered over." It
was stamped, SECRET & SENSITIVE. It
should have been stamped, IGNORE.

I met with the students once for two
hours. I got the call at the hotel, which
is across Taleghqani Street from the
captured embassy. and walked over there
to be met by Mary—the lady in the
chador who got all the television cover-
age, was educated in America and speaks

(continued on page 288)

PLAYBOY'S
CHRISTMAS
GIFT GUIDE

exceptional goodies that make giving and getting a yule delight

PHOTOGRAPHY BY DON AZUMA

Top: For the mon wha has everything and now wants something special to
hold up his pants, there's a leather belt that features an 18-kt.-yellow-gald
buckle studded with 27 diamonds weighing 2.03 carats, from Oscar Heyman
& Bros., New York, $10,000. Next to the buckle is a 14-kt.-gald and crystal cuff
link, From Steuben Gloss, New York, $310 the pair. Under it are two solid-
gold Mexican coins, a centenaria and ап azteca, from Citibank, New York, or
local coin dealers. Prices are based on the current market value of gold.

Top left: For some truly fine auto fidelity, check out Jensen's J2000 car stereo
speakers; housed in each ten-and-one-half-inch-long aluminum cylinder is a
powerful four-and-one-holf-inch woofer and a lightweight passive radiator that,
together, pump out tremendous sound, $199.95 the pair. Top right: The Help
Radio, a compact 40-channel two-way citizens'-band radio that plugs into your
cigarette lighter, comes with c magnetic rooftop antenna, by General Electric,
$115.95. Above: Start the morning hoppily in a lather with a covered ceramic
shaving mug and boar-bristle brush, by Halston, $50 the set, including soap.

Above: The sound that emanates
from this black-and-white 801
loud-speaker (it stands 37.3 inches
high) is sure to satisfy the finickiest
of fidelityniks; inside it is a three-
way acoustic-suspension system
that includes a low-frequency
driver that can dive

distortion to the lower limits of au-
dibility, by Bowers & Wil
$3190 a pair. Above right: The
Kawasaki KLT 2000, a rugged
three-wheel off-road runner that's
powered by о tough 198-c.c.
four-stroke engine with electr
starter, $1399. Right: The Fashion-
flash 110, by ITT Photo Products,
is а nifty little push-pull comera
with a built-in flash and a nifty
little price—only $60. Snap one up.

GIFT GUIDE

Top: This solid-walnut master-craftsman tool chest with five
felt-lined drawers is really too handsome for carpentry eq
atop а bureau, a terrific repository for cuff links,
lighters, etc., from The Cutting Edge, Los Angeles, California,
$240, not including tools. Tc r-
and-one-half-foot-tall radio-controlled robot that totes ice
cubes, bottles, cans and glassware, from The Price of His To;
Beverly Hills, California (where else?). Right: The KV-4000
portable color TV has a tilting 3.7-diagonal-inch screen, by
Sony, $550. Atop it is a superthin Mariner SG watch that's
water-resistant to depths of about 100 feet, by Concord, $890.

she was a raven-haired irish beauty, pure
e

alluring, and he was caught in

r game

MAY |
HAVE SOME

WHEN ELLIE slammed the front door, he
slowed his cup's approach to the сойсе
table to glance across his shoulder at
the clock on the mantelpiece. Six forty-
five? OF course. Monday. Her night for
bridge, his for the art class. His coffee
made a smooth landing. He sank into
his armchair, carcfully unfolded his eve-
ning paper, looked blindly at its head-
lines for a while, let it fall into his lap.
If only! If only! If only they had had a
child! All day she had not spoken one
word to him since she said at breakfast,
“May I have some marmalade, please?”
And now she was gone for the night.

Which of them first mooted this crazy
idea of one night a week apart? She had
been sarcastic about it. “Divorced week-
ly? A comedy in fifty-two acts."

He had been sour. “The road back to
celibacy? Act five.”

Probably neither of us began it. Just
another knight's move, another oblique
assertion of another imaginary speck of
precious bloody personality threatened
by some other imaginary attack by one
on tother. Quid pro quo. My turn now.
‘Tit for tat. Even Stephen. Omens com-
mon to every failing marriage? Like her
insistence on rising early every Sunday

morning for first Mass and his on staying
in bed late. His demanding roast leg of
lamb on Fridays against her preference
for black solc—not that he did not
always let her have her way; he liked
black sole—or her wanting flowers before
her Madonna's statue all through May.
It was not the flowers he minded; it was
the silent betrayal of her man who had
given up “all that” for... for what? At
which, as if an carth tremor made the
ornaments on the mantelpiece tremble,
he heard all around him for miles and
miles the tide of Dublin's suburban
silence. Out there, how many mugs like
himself were enjoying the priceless com-
pany of their own personalities?

He flung the newspaper onto the car-
pet, tore off his gray tie and pink shirt,
went into his bedroom, dragged on his
old black roll-neck Pringle pullover,
groped for his old black homburg hat
and began to brush it briskly. As good
today as the day I bought it in Morgan's
in Westmoreland Street for the mother's
funeral. He curled a black scarf around
his neck, felt for his car keys, switched
off the Flo-Glo fire and the electric
candles on the walls, checked the bath-
room taps and the taps of the electric

fiction
By SEAN O’FAOLAIN

ILLUSTRATION BY MEL ODOM

PLAYBOY

cooker, put out the hall light and slowly
drew the front door behind him until
he heard the lock's final dick.

Fog. A drear-nighted February. Every
road lamp on the estate had its own
halo. He drove with care. Bungalow,
bungalow, bungalow. Some lighted, most
caverns of television's blue flicker. Ex-
actly the kind of night he had first per-
suaded Father Billy Casey to doff their
Roman collars, black jackets, black over-
coats, black hats, put on sports jackets,
checkered caps, jazzy ties and set off for
some, any lounge bar in the city, in
search, Father Billy had hooted, rocking
with amusement, of what laymen call
Life.

He was able to accelerate a bit on the
yellow-lighted bus route. After 15 min-
utes or so, he felt space and damp on
his right. The sea. The new hospital.
Lights in a church for benediction. Inner
suburbia's exclusive gateways. The U. S.
embassy. He crossed the canal. The city’s
moat.

“Whither tonight?” Casey had always
said at this point, rubbing his palms.
Anywhere west of O'Connell Bridge used
to be safe from episcopal spies: the east
was less safe, too many people coming
and going between the big cinemas, the
bars of hotels. The Abbey Theater, the
Peacock, the Busáras Theater. There was
the same contrast on the other side of
the bridge between Dublin's only pricey
hub, the cube of Grafton Street, Nassau,
Dawson and Saint Stephen's Green on
to the east and the old-folksy Liberties
off to the west. Once you got that bit of
geography clear in your head, you knew
the only danger left was the moment of
exit from the presbytery and your return
to it. Holy smoke! Supposing the parish
priest caught you dressed in civvies! As
Father Billy once put it, a priest in a
checkered cap is as inconceivable as a
Pope in a bowler hat or, suddenly re-
membering some scrap of his seminar-
ian's philosophy, if not inconceivable,
at least unimaginable. He had enjoyed
and hated these small risks, so much so
that he could still groan and laugh at
the thought of their hairbreadth escape
the night they were nearly spotted by the
P.P.’s housekeeper coming home late
from what she always spoke of as her
Fwhishte Diriuve. That was the night
Father Billy had in his Edenish inno-
cence pushed him out of the Church.

"Here's to us!" Billy had cheered from
where he lay strewn like а podgy
Pompeian on the tridinium of his sec-
ondhand sofa, his nightcap of malt aloft.
“Who have at this triumphant moment
once more unarguably demonstrated the
undeniable truth that privacy is the last
and loveliest of all class luxuries. Look
at us! Boozing to our hearts’ content in
peace and privacy and nobody one pen-

170 ny the wiser. Whereas all the most

overpaid, socialist, lefty poor working-
man can do when he is thrown out of
his pub at closing time is to take home
half a dozen bottles of beer in a pack. In
a pub, Foley! That's the key word. In a
pub! A public house. Subject to public
inspection, permission to drink only in
public, get drunk in public, puke in pub-
lic, under the public eye, to public
knowledge. But you and I, Foley, priv-
ileged nobs by virtue of our exclusive,
elitist rank as officers of the Pope's
Grande Armée, can sit here at our ease,
luxuriating in the lordly privacy of
Father William Casey's personal sitting
room in Saint Conleth's Roman presby-
tery, and not another soul one penny
the wiser.”

He had replied coldly:

“You've got it all wrong, Father Billy.
We do not drink in lordly privacy. We
drink in abject secrecy.”

One word and he became aware of the
duplicity of all institutions, the Law,
the Army, Medicine, the Universities,
Parliament, the Press, the Church dom-
imated by the one iron rule, Never let
down the side. There was only one kind
of people from whom you might get a
bit of the truth, not because they are
more moral but because they have no
side to let down. Outlaws. Join any
organization and truth at once takes
second place. They went on arguing it
down to the bottom of the half bottle of
Trish. "Sleep on it, Billy,” he had said.
"In whishky weritas.”

.
А Кіп ей traffic light halted him as
he approached O'Connell Bridge. He
peered up at the Ballast Office clock,
7:32, and remembered the night—The
Night—when he had answered Father
Billy's ritual “Whither tonight?” with
the daredevil cry of “Why don't we try
the Long Bar in the basement of the old
Met?” which—bang in the middle of
O'Connell Street—spelled maximum
danger. He was still chuckling at Casey's
reply when the green let him through.

“The Long Bar? The short life! On-
ward to booze, death and glory." Poor
Billy! Poor in every sense. All a booze
meant to him was a large whisky, or two
glasses of ale. He remembered how the
two of them had cheered like kids that
night when they found a parking spot
directly opposite the Long Bar of the
Met.

And, behold! Here it was, waiting for
him again. He slid smoothly into its
ig. "This is what I should be
doing every night, instead of staring into
bloody TV or an electric fire!”

He halted at the foot of the stairs.
pushed open the glass door. three semi-
circular steps above the floor of the
saloon. and surveyed the babble. He saw
one vacant table and his mistake. A mob
of youngsters. Mere boys and girls. Pint

drinkers. Years of tobacco smoke. Life?
Gaiety? Unconventional? Bohemian? It
was just any ordinary bar. Or had it
changed? Or had he? Or was it she who
had transformed it that night? He edged
down to the vacant table and gave his
order to the bar curate. After two slow
dry martinis, he surrendered. He took
up his homburg—no other man or wom-
an in the rooms wore a hat—felt for his
car keys, foresaw fog, the drive, the empty
bungalow. How Father Billy had stared
around that night at all the pairs and
quartets!

“Well, here it is, Foley! Life! And I
can't tell you how glad 1 am to see it,
because only last night I found myself
going through the dictionary to find out
what the divil the word means. I was as
nearly off my rocker as that! I can now
reveal to you, Father Foley, that Life is,
quote, unquote, that condition which
distinguishes animals and plants from
inorganic objects and dead organisms by
growth through A, metabolism, B, adapt-
ability and C, reproduction. Look
around you. Look at us. They are grow-
ing up. I put on seven pounds since
Easter. Look at their fancy dress. Look
at our fancy caps and jackets. We all
adapt. Reproduction? Look at 'em, every
single one of 'em with a oneway first-
dass ticket for the double bed. All
booked!”

“Not all! Or don't I see over there in
the corner two unaccompanied young
women? The dark one isn't at all bad-
looking. Four people spoiling two tables
who could be improving one? Maybe
those two young ladies are in search of
Life? Come on, Billy Casey! Let's ask
them over for a drink."

He had not meant one word of it.
What they had already done on half a
dozen nights was, every time, an act of
the gravest indiscipline. Two soldiers of
a victorious empire frolicking in taverns
with conquered barbarians? At the sight
of Casey's terrified eyes. he had leaned
back and laughed so heartily that the
dark young woman had looked across
and smiled indulgently at their happi-
ness. One second's thought and he would
have merely smiled back and resumed
his chatter with Casey. He spontaneously
lifted his glass to her. Her smile widened
whitely. His questioning eyebrows rose,
his eye and thumb indicated his table in-
vitingly, hers did the same to hers. he
said, “Come on. Billy. in for a penny,
in for a pound!” and the unimaginable
of five utes before became reality.

“Ellie.” her companion apologized ad-
miringly for her friend. “is very saucy.”
She was herself a striking redhead, but
he thought the dark one much more
handsome and she had by her laugh and
gesture across the bar suggested a touch
of dash and character. As for her looks,
she had only one slight flaw; her mouth

PLAYBOY

was by the faintest touch awry, and
even this was in itself an attraction,
that delicate, that charming fleck of im-
perfection that never fails to impress a
woman's looks unforgettably. Her black
hair, divided down the center of her
skull, was drawn back boldly like two
curtains. Her eyes were as clear as her
darid speech. Their large brown irises,
shining like burred chestnuts, harmo-
nized with her willow-colored skin. She
was dressed entirely in black, apart from
the little white ruff on her high neck
that somehow made her look like a nun.
He confided to himself the next day that
her smiles came and went like the sly
sunshine of April.

He introduced himself as Frederick
Cecil Swinburne and his companion, to
Casey's grinning delight, as Arthur Gor-
don Woodrufle, both of them final
medicals at Trinity College. She said, "I
am Ellie Wheeler Wilcox and my friend
is Molly Malone," both of them private
secretaries to directors of the Irish
Sweep. They passed what any casual
observer would have seen as a merry
hour, as light, bright and gay as a joking
and laughing scene in an operetta.

On parting, they all four said they
might meet again the next Monday
night. He said а couple of hours later in
Father Billys rooms in the presbytery
that the only thing missing was that
those two young women should have
been nuns in disguise and they should
all have burst out into an Offenbach
quartet. Caseys solemn reply had in-

two young ladies. We pretended. We
were guilty of bad faith.”

He responded in exasperation with а
whisper of “Well, ТЇЇ be damned!”

This restored Father Billy's sense of
humor far enough to let him disagree
about the damnation bit. though. pos-
sibly, there might be an extra couple of
thousand years of purgatory in store for
them both. All the same, he kept cough-
ing dramatically the following Monday
morning to indicate the onset of a bad
cold,

"The corner table was empty. No Miss
Wilcox. No Miss Malone, He sat at
the table that he had shared the week
before with Father Casey, prolonging
three tasteless martinis for an hour.
Thereupon, cursing his silliness, he had
clapped on his checkered cap and risen
to his feet, and there she was on the
platform of the three semicircular steps
of the entrance door, tall and slim,
dressed in black, her eyelashes overflow-
ing her cheeks, her hair as close-fitting
as a cap, her high neck extended to
assist her scarching gaze. He flung up
his hand. Smiling back at him, she slow-

172 ly edged her way between the tables. She

sat opposite
about her, explain
pected to meet her friend Molly Malone,
though Molly mention something
today about feeling a cold coming on;
but he felt so happy in her presence that
he heeded little she said until he got her
to talking about herself, her girlhood in
the country, in County Offaly, where her
father was a national teacher, her two
younger sisters, her brother Fonsy, short
for Alphonsus, who had emigrated to
England and was now married in Bir-
mingham; not that he attended to her
chat half so much as he did to the fleet-
ing mobility of her features, her con-
tralto laughter, her vivacious gestures,
though he did heed her carefully when
she described her Auntie Nan with
whom she was lodging in a little house
in Ranelagh, and her friends, working
mostly in the Irish Sweep, which led her
in turn to ask him about what it is like
to be a final medical in Trinity College
and about his plans when he became a
doctor, a question that instantaneously
reminded him of Father Billy's words
about bad faith. She listened to his lies
with such a transparent expression of
belief that he felt thrown down beneath
her feet by a whirlwind of shame that
kept gnawing at him for the rest of the
night. until the moment came when
he had halted outside her aunt's little
red-brick home in that terraced cul-de-
sac at Ranelagh. There, drawn up
beside the curb, he gripped her hand,
not, as she obviously thought and by her
showed, to say a grateful
good night but to plead for her trust.
1 confess the truth about himself.
Wilcox, I have been dec

though still looking
g that she had

y

“The truth? Deceiving me?" Staring,
htened by his intensity and tone.

1 am not a medical student. I made
all that up.”

If only he could have stopped there.
Neither, she could laugh, was she Ella
Wheeler Wilcox. He had to tell her the
. He kept pressing her
and tighter.

“I am a clerical student. Trying to
become a priest. You have been a revela-
tion from heaven to me. I can't go on
with it. I по longer want to be a priest.”

Her eyelids shot open at that last
word. While he went on to half explain,
they opened wider and wider, as if she
were opening the doors of her soul to
him. In the silence that followed, she
kept staring at him and he at her. In
his celibate ignorance, he was feeling for
the first time the full blast of power that
Woman when reduced to one special
woman possesses by the mere fact of
being female. She in her virginal ig-
norance was transfixed by the power
that Man in the person of this one man
held over her by the mere fact of being

male. Each was at that moment so evenly
conqueror and conquered that if the
essential god of all lovers had in that
blind alley breathed over them so dcli-
cately as would not have shaken the fila-
ments of a dandelion in full cloud of
seed, they would have sunk into cach
other's arms.

That they did not, he often thought
later, was due less to the gods than to
her aunt, or to whatever other hand had
suddenly lit the fanlight. What she may
have said before she jumped from the
car and ran up the brief concrete path
to the door beneath the light he was
never after to remember verbatim except
for the petals of her voice declaring with
unarguable clarity that they must never
meet again, and her “Very well!” to his
wild pleading that they must mect just
once more so that neither of them should
remember the other ungratefully.

They did meet just once again, and
went on meeting just once again for the
whole of the next year, propelled as
gently and as irresistibly as а yacht be-
fore a summer breeze by sympathy,
chivalry and self-immolation, until, to
his astonishment, one gentle May eve-
ning in the stodgy bedroom of her
Auntie Nan’s dim house in Ranelagh,
while the old lady was away on hol
in County Cork, a typhoon of passion
swallowed them both. After another
year, marked by more agonizing and les
passion, he extricated himself from his
priestly vows. They married.

АП that was five years ago, and he had
long since accepted that he was never to
understand what estranged them, he who
had so often in his presbytery given coun-
sel and comfort to young marrieds lost
in the same fogged wood. All he knew
for certain was that that year of waiting,
of tenderly comforting each other, of
trying to decide what he should do, had
been the happiest year of his life, con-
ed then by the misery of separation,
ded now by the disaster of domes-

y.
They had never really quarreled,
never violently confronted each other,
though of course they now and again
“had words,” the worst being the night
he had evaded her clamant desire on
the eve of Good Friday, the anniversary
of the execution of a great man in whose
alleged godliness he no longer believed.
She had spat at him, “Your very skin is
dyed black! You will never wash yourself
of your precious stigmata!” To which he
had retorted, “You? You, of all people,
dare say that to a man who has cast off
every last trace of what you call black?
You with your getting up at dawn, your
statues and your flowers and your eve-
ning benedictions and all the rest of
your pictistic falderals and fandangos,
you say that to me?” All of which she
(continued on page 272)

THE EMPERORS’
NEW CLOTHES

want to convey authority and influence people? think like the men
at the top and put your money into some conservative fashion investments

attire By DAVID PLATT

CLOTHES SERVE MANY PURPOSES. But there are times when the necessity of covering your hide or the fun of mak-
ing like a peacock is subordinate to the single need to project an image of authority, power, success and influ-
ence. Call it the Walter Cronkite syndrome—or subliminal dressing, (Notice the man, not his clothes.) The
guidelines for image dressing are quite simple. First, your clothes should look expensive without being

Oh, how sweet it is—thot intangible aroma of success that the right clothes give off. Case in point is our coptain of
industry, above, who's wearing a three-piece worsted wool herringbone suit, by Moda Tallia, $225; over a cotton shirt with
barrel cuffs, by Gates Shirt Company, about $40; and a polyester/silk dotted tie, by Yves Saint Laurent, about $11.

PHOTOGRAPHY BY ANTHONY EDGEWORTH

ostentatious. Second, the color range should be subdued; quiet in
everything except, perhaps, for your tie, which tradition dictates
can let go a little for self-expression. (Still, even here, the Mies van
der Rohe rule of thumb “Less is more” applies.) The third point is
that dressing for success almost always requires а necktie, even when
you're casually attired in a sports coat or blazer for drinks or a
game of bridge at the club. For business, a navy pinstripe is your
power base, then gray flannel (one with and one without stripes
is a good idea). The other acceptable color is brown in solids,
stripes and tweeds. Sports coats are more flexible, though leave
horse-blanket plaids and Day-Glo blazers for traveling Bible sales-
men from Nebraska. Remember, clothes that project the image of
power in high places—like old money—whisper instead of shout.

Above: Those old-school club ties that bind inevitably are worn with the
best threads—as these two welltcilored elbow benders attest. The fellow
at left reloxes in а wool tweed sporis jocket, obout $195, that's
coupled with a suede vest, $95, a corduroy buttondown shirt, $42.50,
wool double-pleoted slocks, $65, ond a wool striped tie, about $15,
all by Country Britches. His drinking buddy costs an equally stylish
shadow in a wool muted-ploid jacket, by Doks Gentlemen’s Apparel,
obout $250; cotton buttondown shirt, by Bert Pulitzer, $27.50; wool
knit tie, by Close Ties, obout $13.50; gabardine slacks, by Fitzgerald,
оһош $55; and o lizordskin belt, by Justin Belts, about $32. Right: The
measure of a man often begins with the suit on his back, and this one
definitely passes the test; it's o wool flannel double-breasted, by Chester
Barrie, $550; coupled with a cotton pinstriped shirt, $45, ond a silk tie,
$30, both by Kenneth Gordon (New Orleans). Opposite page: As on
olternative to the ubiquitous blue-blozer look, try this pewter-gray wool/
alpaca model, by Geoffrey Beene for J & F, about $240; plus flannel
slacks, by Borry I. Bricken, about $90; cotton/polyester shirt, by Nino
Cerruti Shirts, $27.50; ond wool knit tie, from Chops by Ralph Lauren, $11.

Below: It’s tough to beat the classic easygoing elegance of o glen-plaid
suit; this one, by Gary E. Miller for Cafra, is a wool three-piece two-button
model with notch lapels and straight-legged trousers, about $500. It’s worn
with a veddy expensive Sea Island cotton long-sleeved dress shirt with
a medium collar and barrel cuffs, from Private Stock by Hathaway, about
$100; and a striped silk tie, by Yves Saint Laurent for Berkley Cravats, $16.50.

Left: It's not going to be all that lonesome at the top when you
step out for the evening in a cashmere topcoat, from Bill
Blass by Malcolm Kenneth, about $500; wom over a wool
three-piece evening suit, about $240, polyester/cotten shirt,
about $30, and a satin bow tie, about $7.50, all by After
Six. His cuff links/stud set is by Christian Dior Accessories, $45.

Below: Only the strong survive le help, we'd say, from some well-chosen additions to their wardrobes, The fellow at left has opted
for a look that conveys authority іп а quiet way: a wool navy-blue pinstriped two-piece suit with notch lapels, center vent and flap pockets,
by Doks Gentlemen's Apparel, $265; worn over a white cotton pinpoint oxford buttondown shirt with barrel cuffs, by Bert Pulitzer, $38.50;
and а multicolor silk foulard tie, by Damon Creations, about $16.50. The other chap takes an equally classic approach to project his image;
he's chosen a wool pinstriped three-piece suit that features a ventless jacket with notch lapels and pleated trousers with straight legs, by Bill
Kaisermon Design, about $395; plus a cotton/polyester buttondown shin, by Bert Pulitzer, $23.50; ond a striped silk tie, by Close Ties, $27.50.

DESIRE

article By JAMES R. PETERSEN

why do we want the things we want?
why do we like the things we like?
why do we do the things we do?

implants, plateaus, biting, squeezing, rubbing, swinging. Nude and clothed, here and there, out-
lets and inlets, large and small, up and down, in and out. But not sexual excitement. Strange.
N — ROBERT STOLLER, “Sexual Excitement”

TAM A VETERAN of the sexual revolution, or, perhaps more accurately, one of its correspondents.
I collect war stories, The walls of my library are filled with books on the various aspects of
human sexuality. I-started my collection when I was а boy scout. My motto, then and now, is,
Be prepared. I read everything there was to read about sex, in case it ever happened to me. I

PLAYBOY

have read The Joy of Sex, More Joy,
Human Sexual inadequacy, Human
Sexual Response, Homosexuality in Per-
spective, Xavierd's Supersex, Sex іп
History, Sexercise, Total Sex, Sexual Be-
havior in the Human Male, The Hite
Report, The Redbook Report on Female
Sexuality, The Herpes Book, It's Your
Body, Our Bodies, Ourselves, The Clito-
ris, Whipped Waitress, Chained Cheer-
leaders, Jungle Fever, Office Gynecology,
екс... . And nowhere in those volumes
was there a paragraph on why we like
the things we like, why we want the
things we want, why we do the things
we do. We know how it's done in Micro-
nesia, Polynesia, in the blue-blood streets
of Boston, up in Berkeley and out in
Queens, but we don't know why. What
is this thing called lust?

"You can't photograph desire. You
can't put it on tape. You can't measure
it in any way. It is a very slippery con-
cept.” That was the response of the first
sex researcher 1 called. A month later, I
was mostly willing to believe him.

1 had talked with therapists, social
psychologists, medical investigators, biol-
ogists, friends and lovers. I had added
another shelf of books to my library. I
had discovered that we are just begin-
ning to look at the roots of sexual excite-
ment, at what turns us on and why. The
research is as intriguing as it is incom-
plete. 16 desire the result of the male
hormone testosterone? Is immediate, un-
dying love an altered state of conscious-
ness, a by-product of a kissing cousin of
Dexedrine that the body releases in the
brain? Is Just the result of learning, or is
horniness inherited? Can the fascinating
variety of sexual behavior be traced to
fantasy, the secret garden of erotic day-
dreams? Is the desire that drives a rapist
to commit his crime the same that causes
the rest of us to cruise for action? Per-
haps it's all of the above. As one of my
contacts noted, "It's amazing what can
be crammed into one erection, isn't it?”

.

Sociobiology is a theoretical discipline
that tries to analyze social behavior in
terms of genetic imperatives of natural
selection. In the sociobiological scheme
of things, I try to get into your jeans
because my genes want to get into your
genes. In lower life forms, mating be-
havior is automatic, the result of geneti-
cally inherited signals and responses. At
first glance, it seems that the biochemical
puppet strings have been severed in
humans. We are the only species that
deliberately separates sex from reproduc-
tion. We have to invent reasons to re-
produce and reasons to have sex.
Pleasure is our rationale.

Tt is suggestive work, this sociobiology.
Its premise is that we are not far re-

182 moved from our ancestors stalking the

savanna, and, in fact, Гус been to bars
where some of the males have not yet
descended from the trees. Onc socio-
biologist—Richard Hagen, author of
The Bio-Sexual Factor—cites studies that
seem to suggest, for all the potential
equality of the sexes, that males are far
and away the more interested party. One
study revealed that the average male has
over 1500 orgasms before marriage, while
the average female has fewer than 250.
Another study suggests that the differ-
ence begins early: During adolescence,
single males report 20 times as many
orgasms from all sources as do single
females. Single males report 131 times
as many orgasms from nocturnal dreams
as do single females. A nocturnal dream
is not learned behavior; it is what the
body discovers for itself.

"Why did we ever start the myth that
women are just as orgasmic as men?"
asks Hagen. ‘There is no evidence for it.
In fact, there is all kinds of evidence
against it. And from an evolutionary
standpoint, there is no logical justifica-
tion for it.” Hagen parades an intriguing
array of statistics showing that approxi-
mately half of the sexual encounters that
end in orgasm for a male partner do not
end in orgasm for a female partner. It is
not a matter of technique or of timing.

Hagen believes that nature has "se-
lected" males who are both more inter-
ested in sex and more successful at sex
for two reasons: (1) the fact that, hi
torically, males have had to be aroused
in order to copulate, while females can
copulate while unaroused; and (2) the
fact that males must be orgasmic if they
are to pass on their genes, while females
may pass on their genes whether they
are orgasmic or not. In other words, men
are horny because they are descended
from generations of fathers who were
horny at least once in their lives. Hagen
does some nice probability studies to
show that it is to nature’s advantage for
males to mate with anything that moves,
while it makes little difference to fe-
males. Lenny Bruce apparently under-
stood tl he once noted that a man
will fuck mud.

Sociobiologists believe that the trigger
for desire is testosterone, the so-called
male sex hormone. Actually, testosterone
is present in both males and females. So,
for that matter, is estrogen, the female
hormone.

During adolescence, the surge of sex
hormones ignites the development of
secondary sex characteristics that sepa-
rate the men from the boys, and—halle-
lujah!—the women from the girls. In the
female, progesterone causes the hips to
flare and the breasts to swell—producing
the hourglass shape of the mature wom-
an. Girls develop internal genitalia and
the ability to lubricate—which is a sign

of receptivity according to some and of
arousal according to others. On the other
side of the fence, the tide of testosterone
gives the boy a beard, lowers his voice,
broadens his shoulders, puts hair on his
chest and starts to take it off his head,
precipitates sexual fantasies, frequent
erections, nocturnal — cmissions—the
whole ball game.

It is obvious that testosterone is а
likely suspect in rampaging teenage sex-
uality—at least for boys. Kinsey found
that most males reach their peak of
orgasmic frequency within two or three
years of pubertal onset. The boys who
catch the wave of hormones at an earlier
age than their peers become involved in
more types of sexual activity, have higher
frequency rates in each type of activity
and subsequently remain at higher rates
of total orgasmic outlet. It's the old
story—first served, first come.

In contrast, women who have only
about one tenth as much testosterone are
relatively unaffected by the hormones
and do not reach their peak sexual activ-
ity until their mid-20s and 30s. They
discover masturbation at a later age and
are less indined to show up in line at
the patent office when they do.

Testosterone seems to be partly re-
sponsible for whatever level of desire
there is in women. A man who is cas-
trated may gradually lose interest in sex.
If a woman loses her adrenal gland (the
source of testosterone in females), the
same thing may happen. ‘There are also
suggestions that women with high levels
of testosterone experience greater levels
of desire.

Some researchers have suggested that
rapists, who seem to be unable to control
their desire, might be puppets of high
levels of testosterone. Yet a recent study
of rapists revealed that their hormone
levels were normal. Another research
team thought there might be a connec-
tion between the amount of damage in-
flicted on a rape victim and the level of
testosterone in the rapist. There was no
correlation. If a little does a lot. morc
doesn't seem to help. John Wincze, a
clinical psychologist at Brown University
in Rhode Island, found that if a normal
male takes a shot of testosterone, he can
get an erection quicker—but he'll lose it
quicker, too. Big deal. Anke Ehrhardt, a
psychologist who specializes in gender
differences, warns against making too
much of testosterone. "We like to say
that testosterone is the fucl of desire,”
she says. “It puts gas in the tank. It adds
octane. But the basic vehicle is already
there.’

The onset of the sex hormones in pu-
berty is dramatic. Most of us experience
our first infatuation around the age of
13 and our first real Iove around 17. But

(continued on page 228)

“Did I thank you for rekindling the Christmas spirit in me?”

183

Flashing her most
diplomatic smile
(left), Terri Welles
cements Japanese-
American relations
on a recent work-
and-pleasure tour of
the Orient.

Әл СОТ

we finally landed ex—flight attendant terri welles.
now we're walking on air

э be

PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD FEGLEY

185

OOD-LOOKING GIRLS don't have it easy.
It's not so much that people try to take
advantage of them; it's more that they're constantly
being underestimated. Anyone who underestimates
‘Terri Welles had better duck. She's a scrapper.
‘Take the time she was pulled over for speeding
just after having entered a freeway in her home
state of California. Terri was charged with doing
63 where only the double nickel was allowed.
Now, Terri didn't think she'd been on the free-
way long enough for the officer to have measured
her speed accurately. So just before her court date,

she got into her car and checked the distance on
her odometer from the on ramp where she'd started
to the off ramp beside which she'd been pulled
over. When her case came up. the patrolman
testified he'd clocked her over a onemile

but Terri produced homemade maps showing that
it was only six tenths of a mile. Case dismi:
Had it not been in a courtroom, ould have
gotten a standing ovation. A move like that takes

Ina typically Terri glamor shot (right),

Miss Welles does her water-fountatn imitation.
“Look, I once saw Warren Beatty walk out of a
restaurant with a napkin stuck to his shoe.

I mean, we're all human!”

“My ideal man would have wit and drive, intelligence and ambition—as well as being
my best friend. Рос never had a one-night stand. Sex is just too special to me.”

LAM]
E

P

^ $

self-confidence, poise and intelli-
gence. Terri just happens to have all
three in abundance. Cynics, of
course, would scoff at the idea that
any girl who looks like Terri
could lack self-confidence. But then,
they didn't see her at the age of 14,
when sheer boredom caused her
to balloon to 180 pounds. "One
day I just rolled out of bed—I mean,
literally rolled. That's when I put
the nix on eating.” Although it
didn't seem so at the time, putting
on the weight may have been the
best thing that could have happened
to her. When you're а 180-pound
H-year-old, you develop a quick
wit and a sparkling personality or
you just don't survive

When the weight finally went
away. her beauty surfaced and the
wit remained. By her senior year
in high school, modcling offers were
coming in. But Terri wasn't quite
ready for that life yet. First she did
secretarial work in a loan office,
where hard work soon got her pro-
moted to escrow officer. "I was quite
proud of myself for that.” she says.
“but eventually 1 felt too confined
by it. Something inside me kept
saying. ‘Get out. get out!

So she hopped on a plane; in
fact, she hopped on a lot of planes.
А а stewardess. First for PSA, then
for United. And that's when we got
lucky

An old friend, who just hap-
pened to be the brother of Playmate
Sondra Theodore, took Terri to visit
Playboy Mansion West. Making a
splash in that sea of beauty isn't
casy, unless you're Terri Welles. She
created a tidal wave of enthusiasm.
Coincidentally, we were planning
our pictorial on flight attendants at
the time. Terri was asked—or, rath
er, implored, cajoled and begged—
to be our cover girl for that issue
The lure of the bright lights finally
convinced her to take the big step
into modeling. She relented and her
career was launched.

Terri was an immediate hit. Natu-
rally. in the back of our mind. à
centerfold was taking shape: her
shape. Then. just before she was to
leave for a modeling assignment in
Japan, Terri agreed to a Playmate
shooting. Wasting no time, we dis
patched a photographer to follow
her to the Orient. You're enjoying
the results of that trip here.

the camera couldn't record
paving efect Terri has on all
who meet her. Blessed with a verve
and easy good humor that are abso-
lucly infectious, this bright, v

Terri's uppeurance on our May caver
(left) led to her centerfold. It was her
grandfather who talked her into it.
"He said, Don't you dare pass up this
opportunity! You may never get
another chance.’ I thought, of all
people, my 70-year-old grandfather!”

On a commercial assignment in Japan
(below). Terri tries out her pigeon calls.
Successfully. Teiri won't try acting un-
til she's really ready. “I don't want to
have my name get around asa joke."

+

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wo fp дац.

BUST: 7€ WAIST: lls 36

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—

PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES

Goodness!” gasped the well-bred young lady
in the taxicab when her escort's hand slipped
under her skirt and between her legs and
then moved unhesitatingly up to the heart of
her womanhood. “This is certainly one of
those nights when feeling is running high!”

Sign in a lingerieshop window: SPECIAL BRAS
FOR JOCGERS, YOUR BOUNCE CHECKED.

Ive had a complaint about you from that
recently bereaved rich Mrs. Frothingham,"
tut-tutted the escort-service manager.

"But you know damn well.” snapped the
gigolo, “that I don't do widows!"

Ahhh, obh-h-h." sighed the small-town
bachelor girl as she experimented with the
vibrator she had just received by parcel post
“Now I know what it feels like to be one of
those ‘mail-order brides!”

Our Unabashed Dictionary defines asshole
buddy asa bun ami.

What is the significance," asked the game-
show host, "of the numerical progression—or

maybe it’s a numerical recession—ten .
nine... е seven... six... five.
"That's interrupted the con-

testant. "It's Bo Derek getting older."

HAPPY 25TH ANNIVERSARY, FEMLINI

ch time the shapely exotic dancer who was
performing for the isolated troops removed
another veil, there was a thunderous response.
But then, when she had whisked away the
final length of concealing fabric, there was no
applause from the tropical darkness in front
of the brightly lit makeshift stage. "Whats the
matter with you guys?" the nude girl yelled at
the shadowy audience. "Don't you appreciate
my art?”

“I's pretty difficult.” said a strained male
voice, "to clap with one hand."

Our Unabashed Dictionary defines bivalve as
an A.C./ D.C. oyster.

You may have heard about the weak-willed
teenager who was forced into voyeurism by
his Peeping Tom friends. It was peer-group
pressure.

How did things work out. honey?” the mother
asked during а long-distance call to her daugh-
ter just back from her honeymoon

"Oh. Mom, Mom—we had a big fight half-
way through.” the girl wailed, "and Leonard
hasn't talked to me since!”

What was the fight about, dear?” the wom-
an pursued

"It was about Leonard's impracticality.
Mom," was the sobbed reply. "He kept
sisting that he wanted me to go around the
world. and I kept refusing because I felt Га
rather stay home with him and save all thar
money!”

Heard a funny one lately? Send it on a post-
card, please, to Party Jokes Editor, PLAYBOY,
Playboy Bldg., 919 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago,
Ill. 60611. $50 will be paid to the contributor
whose card is selected. Jokes cannot be returned.

Ы

[-

"UN 3

200

fiction
By THOMAS BERGER

author of Little Big Man

TALES maybe you haven't heard that crimes

committed by animals are on the

OF THE rise. my job: to track down

the criminals. between
ANIMAL ED
CRIME SQUAD it isn’t easy

IF IVE LEARNED ANYTHING in the years I've worn a shield, it's that
there are two things that have an irresistible attraction for animals.
One is any kind of fad, the sil the better. The other is bre:
the law. I'm Sergeant Vinnie DiFalco of the Animal Crime Squad,
N.Y.P.D, My partner is a good-natured slob named Fogarty.

I'd say the average citizen is totally unaware of our job, and those
who have heard of us assume we enforce the various city ordinances
that have to do with pets. Nothing could be further from the truth.
We couldn't care less about expired licenses, pooper scoopers and
cats that scream all night on the fire escape. We're out to get the big
fellow, like—— But let me tell you about a typical recent case. You
might learn something.

Now, at first, some people thought it was cute that a fox terrier
would run a telephone-answering service, and in а few short weeks
after this animal started his business, he had more subscribers than
he could handle. So what did he offer that was so special? He an-
swered the phone with a bark. That was it, and that was all. For the
rest of it, he switched on the machine and tape-recorded the message,
if you were leaving one. Or, if you were picking up the messages that
came in while you were out, then he ran the tape back and played it
for you. 1 mean, he wouldn't say a word, now, would he? But you
know how people are—fact is, you might (continued on page 216)

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PELIS OF toot, Yeas,
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Cheers,

ILLUSTRATION BY DON GLASSFORD

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Т)

arm Regards

drink Ср manuel Greenberg

FAR FROM BEING a drag, the White House
ukase on lowering thermostats may her-
ald a great leap forward in conviviality,
at least if we take a page from history.
Our forebears lived in damp, drafty
houses with rudimentary heating systems,
yet the rigors of winter held no terrors
for them. Those canny types knew the
perfect antidote to bleak weather—a
lusty, steaming, scented hot drink and
a snapping fire. In a pinch, they could
forgo the blaze,

The lore of England is studded with
tales of hot wassails, possets, caudles
“made with sugar and sweet wyne” and
hippocras—a hot spiced wine, favored
by Chaucer. “Serve hit forth with wafurs
both in chambur and Celle" was his
precise directive. No wonder it was called
merrie England.

Britain is by no means unique in the
matter of hot potions. All lands with
nasty climates have developed dandy
ideas for coping with them. The Swedes

have their glógg—hot spiced wine.
Jouluglégi—a similar snort—helps Finns
through their long, dark winter. Russians
quaff zbiten—hot beer and honey. Gug-
gle muggle, a Middle European soother,
takes egg yolk, honey, hot milk and a
nip of wiéniak or whatever liquor hap-
pens to be around. Colonial stalwarts
relied on the mollifying effects of hot
buttered rums, hot toddies, flips and the
dashingly titled Yard of Flannel—basi-
cally, а Hip made in large quantities.
With the spread of central heating,
hot drinks were given the cold Шо.
der—except at winter resorts. It's a real
loss, because these brawny, fragrant sips
are singularly satisfying. They engender
warm feelings all the way down and put
a glow on any gathering. Be sure to offer
them at your holiday get-togethers.
Recipes given here are a combination of
modern and traditional, the latter
adapted to contemporary palates. For a
crash course on preparation, service and

, grogs, toddies and other
cold- e er concoctions to get things heated
up when the temperature dips low

ILLUSTRATION BY JON WHITCOMB

205

PLAYBOY

suitable munches, see our “Guide to Hot
Cheers" at right.

COLONIAL MELLOWED TODDY
(I6 servings)

Eighteenth Century hosts often pre-
pared a toddy base in advance, so that
the mixture could ripen and the flavors
blend.

Ya cup sugar, or to taste

1 bottle (750 ml.) whiskey

Peel of 14 lemon, yellow zest only

6 cloves

6 allspice berries

Combine boiling water and sugar; stir
to dissolve. Cool In large bottle or
decanter, combine whiskey, lemon peel,
spices and sugar syrup. Cover and let
stand 2 to 3 days to mellow, shaking
once or twice a day. Strain and rebottle.

To make one drink: Pour 2 ozs. toddy
mixture into warmed mug or large toddy
glass with handle. Add 3 to 4 ors. boiling
water, Serve with rockcandy stirrer
across top.

ORSINI'S SUGAR BUSH TODDY

Another simple and somewhat uncon-
ventional toddy, courtesy of restaurateur-
skier Armando Orsini.

134 ors. rock and rye liqueur

1 or. ginger liqueur

2 dashes orange bitters

2 ozs. boiling water, or to taste

Small wedge Bosc pear

Pour liqueurs and bitters into small
warmed cup or toddy glass; add hot
water. Spear pear wedge on pick and
pop into glass.

LIME nIsHOF
(12 to 15 servings)

1 orange

3 or 4 cloves

2 bottles ruby port.

2 cinnamon sticks

1 lime, thinly sliced

2 tablespoons sweetened lime juice

8 ozs. California brandy

Stick orange with cloves, place on pie-
pan. Roast in oven preheated to 350°
Fahrenheit until rind turns light brown
and heads of cloves powder. Meanwhile,
combine wine, cinnamon sticks and lime
slices in enamel рап and heat.
Remove orange from oven, quarter and
place in warmed punch bowl. Muddle
orange sections moderately with potato
masher or back of soupspoon. When
wine mixture reaches simmer, add sweet-
ened lime juice and brandy. Pour into
punch bowl. Serve in stoneware mugs or
heavy heatproof glasses.

BLUEGRASS MILK PUNCH
2 ozs. milk.

2 ozs. light cream

1 teaspoon sugar, or to taste
1% ozs. Kentucky bourbon

Coal Costs’ Guide
to Cot 6% Jeers

* When heating, hold mix-
tures containing alcoholic bev-
erages below the boil. Boiling
evaporates. the alcohol and
takes the zip out of the drink.

= Dont be overgenerous.

Heating brings up the flavor;
too much liquor spoils a hot
drink,
On the other hand, don't
drown the drink. Many recipes
call for a mixer (water, apple
juice, etc.) “to fill,” which can
result in а flabby, flat drink.
Strive for balance.

+ Always preheat cups, mugs
or other vessels. That will in-
hibit breakage and retain
warmth. Placing a metal spoon
in а glass before pouring is ап-
other precaution against crack-
ing.

+ Avoid using metal mugs.
"They look chic, but metal is a
heat conductor and can sear
your lips.

= Another jazzy idea that sel-
dom works is using a cinnamon
slick as a stirrer. To be func-
tional, sticks must be fairly
long, extending at least an inch
beyond the rim of the mug.

+ Use good-quality wines and
ts when making hot drinks.
быа mutes flavor. characteris-
tics, while heat intensifies them,
spotlighting both the virtues
and the flaws,

+ The thoughtful host will
provide a small pitcher of the
hot mixer along with the drink,
so guests can adjust it to their
own tastes. Sweetening—sugar.
honey. maple syrup, etc—may
be handled in the same way.

+ Unshelled walnuts or pe-
cans, smoked almonds and un-
glazed dried — fruits prunes,
apricots, apples, peaches and
figs—are pleasant, easy-to-han-
dle hot-drink accompaniments.
Roasted chestnuts complement
port-based drinks such as
negus. And raised doughnuts
do nice things for buttered
rums and apple-juice or cider-
based drinks. You might also
consider holiday bakes such as
Lebkuchen, Pjefjernuss апа
fruitcakes; thinly sliced Smith-
field ham or smoked baked ham
on dark bread; cheese straws
and sesame-coated bread sticks.

М oz. peach flavored brandy

14 teaspoon vanilla extract

Freshly grated nutmeg

Warm milk, cream and sugar in sauce-
pan, stirring until hot. Pour bourbon,
and peach flavored brandy into warmed
mug or heavy heatproof glass. Add milk
mixture, then vanil - Lightly sprin-
Ме nutmeg over drink and serve.

HOT BRICK
(four servings)
1 can (1014 ozs) condensed cream-of-
mushroom soup
7 ozs. water or milk
Pinch cach curry powder, chili pow-
der, garlic powder

6 ozs. añejo rum.

4 sprigs parsley or cilantro

Stir soup with water or milk until
lumps are out. Buzz in blender, in two
batches, to pulverize mushroom pieces.
They won't liquefy, but the tiny bits are
pleasant in this hearty drink Pour soup
mixture into saucepan. Add seasonings.
Place over moderate heat until simmer.
ing, stirring constantly. (The mixture
tends to scorch.) Add rum. Remove from
heat; stir. Divide among 4 warmed mugs.
Garnish with sprig parsley or cilantro.

Note: This is a nice one to take to
the football game, ice skating, etc. Just
pour into warmed Thermos and close
securely. It will keep warm for hours

TOM AND JERRY
(two servings)

1 egg, separated

1 or. brandy

1 oz. dark rum

lor. rème de cacao

2 teaspoons sugar, or to taste

М teaspoon cinnamon

Boiling water

Freshly grated nutmeg

Beat egg white until stiff and glossy.
Beat egg yolk with brandy, rum, crème
de cacao, sugar and cinnamon until
thick. Combine beaten white and yolk.
Divide between 2 warmed mugs. Add 3
to 4 ozs. boiling water to each; stir light-
ly. Sprinkle with nutmeg.

A LA RUSSE

2 teaspoons apple jelly, or to taste

4 ors. hot, full-bodied tea

1 piece stick cinnamon

Lemon wedge

1 oz. vodka

Spoon jelly into preheated mug or
heatproof tumbler. Add splash of tea
and stir to dissolve. Add cinnamon stick,
lemon, vodka and remaining tea; sti
Russians prefer heavy, straight.sided wa-
ter tumbler, wrapping napkin around
glass as holder.

(concluded on page 354)

CONTEMPORARY
MASTERS:

AN EROTIC PORTFOLIO

Bradley Smith, the well-known art
historian and photographer, has de-
voted much of his life to the study of
sex in art. His recent work culmi-
nated in a new book, “20th Century
Masters of Erotic Art,” from which
most of this portfolio was selected. In
the course of his study, Smith and
Henry Miller became good friends.
Miller's commentary on pagc 211 was
culled from their many conversations.

Above, lithogroph, D'aprés Schatz (After
Schatz), ©) by Henry Miller. Collection of
Brodley Smith. Right, Portrait of Sylvia Bour-
don, by José Puigmorti-Vollés, © by Sylvia
Bourdon. Courtesy of J.-M. Lo Duco, Paris.

THERE IS NOTHING ABSTRACT about erotic art. The surface scene may
be as thin as new ice, but down below, the sexual fires burn bril-
liantly. The viewer may wonder what the artist means, but he never
has to ask what the painting is about. By viewing the erotic paint-
ings of contemporary artists, we can hope to understand some of
our sexual frustrations, as well as our satisfactions.

We live in a society in which sex is widely and wildly exploited.
Television, motion pictures, newspapers, plays, all devote much
time and space to erotic themes. The important difference between
sex exploitation and erotic art lies in the sensitivity and talent of
the artist, his imagination and technique permanently stamped on
the work.

As with all art, erotic painting is a quest. In this search, the
strange, bizarre or fantastic becomes understandable. In erotic

Top left, Fight with an
Amazon, by D. H. Law-
rence. Collection of and
© by Saki Karavos.
Bottom left, Dancer, ©)
by André Mosson. Col-
lectionofBradleySmith.

Below, Govache #606, © by Alexander Calder. Collection of Brodley
Smith. Right, Eve, © by Richard Lindner. Collection of Jacques Kaplan.

ay pique the curiosity of

intings, the essence of the sex drive
lity, may even have a direct

the viewer, reveal а new view of sensu
physical effect on the viewer.

Since 1960, themes in erotic paintings have dealt with the fast
changing sexual custorns of Western society. Women no longer are
shown as sex objects but as full participants in all kinds of sexual
ities. Indeed, a considerable number of erotic paintings arc
ed by women,

"The painting of erotic pictures, of sensuous images, has nothing
to do with sexual morality. Sex in art has a value of its own. Sex in
life has а value of its own. Sexual ethics are not in conflict with
crotic painting. The artist docs not recommend a sexual distinction,
a sexual direction to the viewer. He looks inside himself, observes
his environment and creates a work of art out of it. —BRADLEY SMITH

act

cr

209

Above, untitled cil, © by Lucien Coutaud. Courtesy
of Musée Notional d'Art Moderne, Paris. Below left,
untitled piece in mixed medio, © by Paul Wunderlich.
Courtesy of Galerie Negru, Paris. On facing
foldout, Dos Figuras y un Gato (Two Figures and а
Cat), by Pablo Picasso. Courtesy of Museo Picasso,
Barcelona. © S.P.A.D.E.M,, Paris/V.A.G.A., New York.

Two noteworthy erotic paintings not in Smith's book are in Hugh Hefner's private collection. They оге, left, Salvador Dali's
Young Virgin Auto-Sodomized by Her Own Chastity and, obove, Тот Wesselmann’s Study of the Great American Nude.

REFLECTIONS ON EROTICA

ı тїзїк painters are always looking for something —some.
thing that will explain some aspect of the world to them
In erotic art, the painter searches for a meaning in sex
He may not find it, but the search itself is meaningful
and gives satisfaction and meaning to his life.

I was talking one day to some Japanese girls. They
they were disgusted with "porno" films. Sheer dirt. T
don't agree. I say it's unnatural for anyone to turn his
eyes away. no matter how lousy the films are. It's a cock
and a cunt and they are fucking and it's exciting. Erotic
literature and art, after all, is such an elemental force.
cking is more than sex. It's just as magical and myste-
rious as talking about God or the nature of the universe

.
nders sometimes what is the ideal setting for
. the most inspiring ambience for making
love. Is it the bedroom, with plush rose-colored walls and
rors everywhere? Or is it the icy igloo, soundproof,
weatherprool, isolated from the world, in which the lov-
ers lie naked and warm between thick bearskins? Or is it
the parked car in a vacant lot, with the radio turned on
full blast? Could it be that with all the artistry and skill,

By HENRY MILLER

all the aesthetic surroundings that civilized man has

introduced to render this simple act more enjoyable, he

has lost what any mongrels in the street enjoy when

helplessly coupled, one pulling north and the other

south, as they wait patiently for someone in the crowd

to throw a pail of cold water over them?
.

There are по new ways of sex, only different ways of
portraying it. As a man rearranges his lifestyle, his sexual
ways change with it. We get the kind of art that reflects
these changes. We get what we deserve and the
wonder of it is that our civilization allows us the free-
dom to view the world as it is

.
h to do with the effect of erotic pictures or
pelais о

Age has mu
crotic literature. The works of Cas
Boccaccio, which may have got my j g as a
young man, would not have that effect today. The same
is somewhat tive of erotic paintings, yet there is a
ifference, because I've always been a bit of a voyeur.
ainting interests me, has always interested me, very
much. But, like ero erature, it has no effect unless
it is done by an artist.

Above, Torso Series, ©) by Andy Warhol, Courtesy of Ace Gallery Lid., Los Angeles.
Below, Le Moment de Réver, (C) by Jean Paul Cleren. Courtesy of J.-M. Lo Duco, Paris.

PLAYBOY

(continued from page 200)

“It’s hard to believe that on only the fifth call I heard
aloud bark at the other end of the wire!”

say they love fads as much as any animal.

So all well and good then at the
beginning, but another trait of an up-
and-coming animal is a tendency to go
too far. Before long, we began to get
complaints that this fresh pooch was
doing nothing but barking; in other
words, didn't bother to record the calls
in any way! Now, his ads continued to
run in the metropolitan-area papers and
he even started buying radio spots. If he
was taking money for a service he failed
to provide, he was breaking the law.
Speaking for myself, from the first mo-
ment I heard of this dog's business, I
figured it was only a matter of time
before I'd be called in. Call me prej-
udiced, but ] never saw a fox terrier
who could keep his nose clean for long.

My plan was simplicity itself: to burst.
into his office by surprise and take the
animal into custody with a minimum of
fuss We have one advantage in our
squad that is not enjoyed by the rest of
the force, and that is that a search
warrant is not needed to enter premises
occupied by à nonhuman tenant. (As a
rookie, I didn't know that, and made a
fool of myself once by bringing a warrant
to the door of the tenement room where
a Dalmatian suspected of bank robbery
had holed up; he ripped the document
from my hand and tore it to bits.)

"The only weakness of my plan was
soon revealed: 1 could not discover the
dog's address. The fact was that the fox
terrier had an unlisted phone number!
"The little so-and-so had shrewdly antic-
ipated that the kind of people who
would sign up with an answering service
operated by a dog were probably most of
them snobs who would pay a premium
for exclusivity. It should have been a
simple matter for me to get the address
from the telephone company, but I'm
afraid Ma Bell decided at this juncture
to pose as a defender of animal rights. It
seemed pretty hypocritical for my money,
but I was told in no uncertain terms
that cither I came up with a court order
or I might as well go home and practice
the harmonica. Frankly, I think some
funds may have changed hands earlier
on; I can’t see why otherwise the phone
company would go to bat for a fox
terrier.

But that did put me on my mettle. How
to find one mutt in a city overpopulated
with the four-footed? However, I did
have one advantage: How many dogs

216 operated answering services? Yet even

with this clue, it would take a pretty
piece of investigatory work to corner
him. It might be tedious, but eventually
it must prove effective if 1 went from
door to door, street by street, district by
district, until at some point 1 crossed the
animal's trail. Or, again, 1 could save
shoe leather by simply remaining at my
desk at headquarters, dialing phone
numbers at random or going in а se-
quence through the directory, until fi-
nally I was answered by a bark.

1 decided to begin with the second of
those tactics. In recent years, 1 have put
on a bit of extra weight, and it tires me
to haul it around on foot. The door-to-
door approach would no doubt be the
more certain to yield results, if pursued
relentlessly, but, between you and me,
the thought of all that walking was a
horror. I picked up the telephone.

It’s hard to believe that on only the
fifth call I heard a loud bark at the
other end of the wire! I could hardly
contain myself.

“Say,” I said. using my planned speech,
"I've been looking for а good answering
service, and yours has been recommended
in the highest terms.” There was no
response. "Hello?" I cried. “Don’t you
want my business?"

Finally, a male human voice answered.
"Sorry about that. I had to take the dog
into the next room. She's jealous when I
talk on the phone."

“Uh-huh,” said 1. "I don't suppose
your dog runs an answering service?"

“No sirree,” said the man. “Not Suzy.
She keeps house for me. Before that, she
was a nurse at Beth Israel. That's where
we met, during my appendectomy.”

‘The insolent answer annoyed me, and
I hung up immediately, perhaps too
soon. Now that I think about it, the
guy may have had something to hide.

I dialed another ten, twelve numbers
and took a lot of abuse from citizens
who weren't amused by my questions. At.
this point, Fogarty came into the squad
room, chewing on the inevitable un-
lighted cheroot. He had black circles
around his eyes. His beefy face was
haggard.

“I never got a wink all night,"
plained. "The phone kept ringing, and
when I would pick it up, it was the
wrong number but always a diflerent
voice. The wrong numbers were honest,
1 figured, and not the work of somebody
secking revenge—unless, of course, he
was a master at disguising his voice or

went to the trouble of organizing at
least twenty friends in tlic scheme. Any-
way, I finally took the phone off the
hook, but then the hum kept me awake.”

"Hmm," I said, mostly to myself,
“could there be a connection . . . ?" To
Fogarty, І said, "You didn't run across
the bark of a йор?"

He glared at me. "You know, Vinnie,
sometimes your idea of humor

"I'm serious, Fogarty. I'm working on
that squeal about the dog who runs an
answering service.”

“If you want,” Fogarty offered, “I'll
ask around.”

By this he meant among his regular
informants, a motley crew of low-lifes,
addicts of various kinds and a good
many phonies, poseurs, perfectly re-
spectable people who enjoy the thrill of
being supposed by the police to be petty
criminals. 1 expected little genuine assist-
ance from this quarter.

Fogarty sat down at his own desk and
began to work the dial of the telephone.
He spoke to various persons, invariably
greeting each of them with another alias,
and a ludicrously outmoded one, at that.
Who nowadays is actually known as
Butch or Gertie or Slick? No matter; it
was during his fifth or sixth conversation
that he gestured violently toward me.
I raised my eyebrows.

He took the phone away from his
mouth for a moment and covered the
instrument with a meaty fist. "Pay dirt?"
he asked, his lips forming the letter Q,
of which the tip of the tongue made a
little tail. “Maybe.”

"And maybe not,” I said. I didn't
want to encourage Fogarty in his sense
of drama, which is alvays likely to turn
maudlin.

"Well, Blackie," he said into the
mouthpiece, while winking significantly
at me, "do you know this for a fact? . . .
Now, don't get nasty. It was simply a
question... . Yes... yes... по...

‘Oh, for God's sake," I grunted, and
turned to my own telephone. I realized
I had neglected, in my random calling,
to put down any of the numbers I had
dialed. 1 was therefore in danger of
repeating some of the useless combina-
ions. How careless can you get? I real-
ized I was hardly in a position to be
disdainful of Fogartys help. 1 looked
over at him with a certain humility.

At just that moment, he began vio-
lently to write in the notebook before
him. He slammed down the phone, tore
the page from his book and thrust it
atme.

I took the paper and read silently:
“Blonde at First and Seventy-second.""

"It may not be much," said Fogarty,
"'but it's a beginning."

1 sighed. "I know you're trying to
(continued on page 325)

фрепв to be my
g my wife on!”
217

“Have a care, feller—that ha:
$10,000 fox youre screwin,

218

LINDA KERRIDGE. was only five years old when people
began to remark that she bore a striking resemblance
to Marilyn Monroe. Even though she was born and
raised on the other side of the world—in Wagga
Wagga, Australia, to be exact—she grew up enchanted

although she may
look like

marilyn monroe,

In the film Fade to Black, Dennis Christopher first meets
Marilyn Monroe look-alike Lindo Kerridge in o diner, then
takes her to work on his motorbike (below left). A fonot-

ical movie buff, Christopher later lures her into porticipating

in a re-enactment of The Prince and the Showgirl (below).

DORE S

by the Monroe mystique, which by then had spread to сусту remote out-
post of the world, even to Wagga Wagga. As the ycars passed and the
resemblance became more pronounced, Linda became a certified movie
buff and a natural mimic. “I've always loved to imitate people,” she
recalls. “Even asa child, it was especially casy for me to mimic

“Marilyn has always been a great favorite of mine,” Linda says. “Not my idol,
exactly, but certainly my favorite blonde. in some ways, | identify with her,
but that’s mainly because I’ve read practically everything there is to

read about her, not so much because | look like her. In fact,

when I laok in the mirror sametimes, I think I’m ugly compared with her.”

Ге

Marilyn.” Today, given the proper encouragement, she can
perform a startlingly precise impersonation of MM's walk, her
pout and her voice. In fact, the resemblance is so total it recently
inspired a team of Hollywood film makers to come up with

a movie script designed specifically to accommodate Linda's rare

“What always appealed to me the most about Marilyn was her
incredible talent as a comedienne. | love a sense af humar; to me,
: it's the most mogical thing about people. In films, I'm more attracted
Кел. to comedy thon anything else, especially romantic comedy.”

A homebody by nature, Linda claims she hates

big parties and doesn't go out much. “| don't hang
around in the sun, either; it’s bad for your brain,

not to mention your skin. I’m a creature of the

great indoors; love to read, especially Noel Coward.”

talents. That script is now a film called Fade іо
Black, just released and starring Linda and Dennis
(Breaking Away) Christopher. In it, Christopher
plays a somewhat deranged movie buff, a loner who
lives in a dreamworld populated by the screen idols

Although her resemblance to MM hos given her a healthy start in films, Linda
claims that she does not want to continue impersonating the late sex goddess.
“It's simply too one-dimensional," she says. "You start to think you have no
real identity of your own and that con be a horrible feeling. My nex! film
project is going to have to be something totally different.”

he impersonates. Enraptured by Linda's resemblance to Marilyn Monroe,
he asks her out; but when she fails to show up, he assumes he's been stood up
and proceeds to go on a murderous rampage, killing off his foes with the
same cinematic methods used by some of his screen idols. And what
happens to Linda? Sorry, you'll have to visit your local bijou to find out.

ы
ч. PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD FEGLEY

PLAYBOY

DESIRE (continued from page 182)

“We like to say that testosterone is the fuel of desire.

It puts gas in the tank. 1t adds octane.

alter we reach adulthood, there doesn't
seem to be a clear connection between
hormones and sexuality. As long as we're
not running on empty, the level of sex
hormone doesn't seem to account for the
variety of desire. Says Ehrhardt, “It is an
open system. We know that hormones
affect behavior, but behavior also affects
the level of hormones. Soldiers facing
battle have low levels of testosterone,
Fear reduces testosterone. But after a
battle, levels return to normal.

“Even in lower primates, you can cas-
trate an adult male, but he will still
be able to function with his preferred
partner—at least a bit. Choice is as
important as hormone level.”

Biologists have looked for other com-
binations of hormones in their search
for the source of desire. One of the hot
subjects of the Seventies was phero-
mones, the scent lower species emit that
initiates sexual behavior. Perhaps,
thought rescarchers, smell was the key—
that we just follow our noses.

But the closest scientists have come to
lating a human pheromone is a chem-
1 that smells like a horny male pig—
called Boar Mate. A research team іп
England put some of this substance on a
chair in a waiting room and found that
women tended to choose that chair to sit
on. The jury is still out on pheromones,
but at least one thing seems sure: If they
can figure out a way to work pig scent
into a line of after-shave or mustache
wax, we men are in business.

E

"Two New York psychoanalysts, Donald
F. Klein and Michael R. Liebowitz, be-
lieve they've found the secret of desire.
‘They speculate that passionate love, the
sudden surge of attraction we feel for
another, is the result of an amphetamine-
like substance in the brain. When we fall
in love or lust, the brain produces phenyl-
ethylamine—a molecule that is one
carbon atom away from amphetamine.
When we fall out of love, the brain shuts
down the speed pump and we experience
all the symptoms of withdrawal.

Indeed, the similarity between love-
sickness and “crashing” was what sug-
gested the theory to Klein in the first
place. He was treating a group of wom-
en who were classic sensation seekers.
‘They took more than their usual amount
of cocaine and amphetamines. When
they fell in love, they felt a zap that
many compared to the rush from am-

ов phetamines, or the rush of adrenaline

2»

опе would experience when she worked
onstage. When they experienced a set-
back in love, they became depressed,
irritable. They overslept and overate—
in short, they exhibited the symptoms of
someone crashing from a 30-to-40-grain-
perday amphetamine habit. They did
not respond to tricyclic antidep.essants,
but they did seem to respond to chem-
icals called MAO—inhibitors that slow
down the breakdown of phenylethyl-
amine. Interestingly, the women often
consumed large quantities of chocolate,
a substance rich in phenylethylamine.

"Throughout my investigation, I found
people struggling for the proper word
to describe a phenomenon of horniness,
or yearning, that we have all experi-
enced. Dorothy Tennov, a psychologist
at the University of Bridgeport in Con-
necticut, interviewed more than 1000
people, many of whom had experienced
a state of intense attraction that she
termed “limerence.” The symptoms are
easy to identify: “Suddenly, you are in a
condition of sustained alertness, а height-
ening of awareness, with an enormous
fund of cnergy to pursuc the limcrent
object." The list of symptoms during
limerence—or romantic attraction —
reads like a DEA chart describing the
effects of a controlled substance. Accord-
ing to Tennov, we become totally pre-
occupied with the object of our desire.
We rake over memories of past encoun-
ters, seeking clues that our feelings are
reciprocated. We rehearse the lines we
will deliver at our next meeting. We ex-
perience intense ecstasy and complete
agony, fearing rejection. We ignore real-
ity. We exist on hope. We are hooked.
Love is an addiction, an altered state of
consciousness.

Kicin and Licbowitz stress that their
theory of chemical attraction is pure
speculation, but it seems to make some
sense. We have learned that the brain
produces its own pharmacology—the en-
dorphins are the body's own morphine.
There appears to be a natural Valium,
a natural PCP, a natural psychedelic.
Given its choice, it seems logical that
nature would choose the most potent
substance to fuel reproduction. Klein: “If
social approval and coupling are impor-
tant to nature, it seems that there would
be a mechanism in the body that would
make social approval very rewarding.”

There are levels of pleasure, or, to put
it another way, temptation takes many
forms. College professors used to pose

the following ethical problem: If you
could plug yourself into a machine that
would create ecstasy, would you be able
to unplug it? It seems to depend on the
quality of the ecstasy. In one study, rats
given an opportunity to selfadminister
amphetamines or cocaine showed difier-
ent levels of interest. ‘The amphetamine
group hit the lever five times an hour,
the coke group 30 times per hour. Rats
will press a lever up to 4000 times for a
single hit of coke. Arousal is its own
reward.

Prior to working for PLAYBOY, 1 was an
editor of Psychology Today. One of the
gems that crossed my desk was an article
we called “Adrenaline Makes the Heart
Grow Fonder," by Elaine Hatfield and
Ellen Berscheid. The two researchers
had found that any state of intense
arousal can be interpreted as the stir-
rings of desire—even if the arousal
the result of an irrelevant experience.
In one experiment after another, they
discovered that if a man were afraid,
jealous, euphoric, angry. terrified or ex-
cited, he was inclined to interpret those
symptoms as roman! if given the “ap-
propriate” cue.

For example, a guy who crossed a
1000-foot gorge on a narrow, swinging
bridge was more likely to express in-
terest in an attractive lab assistant than
was someone who had crossed a safe con-
crete bridge. A person who had been
told that he would receive electric shocks
expressed more interest in an attractive
lab assistant than did someone who faced
a normal task, A student who had been
insulted was more attracted to a woman
than was a male who had been flattered.
The article noted that there were his
torical precedents for such behavior.
Cid wooed the proud heart of Diana
Ximene, whose father he had slain, by
shooting one after another of her pet
pigeons. It's not our idea of foreplay, but
if it works, hey.

1 contacted Hatfield at the University
of Wisconsin. She told me that the ex-
periments had been duplicated with
female subjects and that women were
just as inclined to seize а spur-of-the-
moment romantic opportunity and go
for it. "I think ignificant change,"
g is no longer
. Women are not afraid of
excitement. They are not соу. I think
that a woman who has had 17 sexual
partners will not be condemned by her
partner.”

Now that women have an equal poten-
tial for pleasure, and an equal permis.
sion, one would expect to see fewer
differences between the sexes. But there
are still plenty. Men and women may be

ly motivated to have sex, but men
initiate most encounters. Hatfield
and a team of researchers asked a group
(continued on page 314)

жу "uper p.

a pictorial bouquet to the mischievous wee wench who's been our constant companion for 25 years

ADIES come in all
sizes, but you don't
often meet one with a
six-inch bust, Then again, some women

ike strong drink; but rarely do you find 4
опе who periodically falls, bare bottom >
first, into a full champagne glass. In fact,
the only place youre likely to encounter
such a creature is on the Playboy's Party
Jokes page, where an impish nymphet we
call our Femlin has teased and amused

"She's о very voluptuous little woman,” says
artist LeRoy Neiman of his creation. "Same
people have mankeys an their backs; for 25
years, I've had а Femlin on my shoulder.”

PLAYBOY readers since she first appeared
in the August 1955 issue. She was a bit
larger then, a fact that has led some
Femlin watchers to contend that she
didn’t arrive on our pages until July
1956; but in the name of accurate jour-
nalism, we have determined that the
1955 date is correct. Except for size, she
hasn't changed much since artist LeRoy

an translated an idea of Editor-
er Hugh Hefner's into ]

Б
black and white: black hair, black gloves
and black stockings. As Hefner conceived
of her, she was a female gremlin who

ENTERTAINMENT FOR MEN DECEMBER 1964 + $1.25

PLAYBOY

"f. Gooctings! This gala една) „Аме is. абы»

а белу fev this тете of топ — yalelide fact and

fiction by Snein Shae, James Ballin Bertrant Basell
Ian Fleming, еее. Merlin, $reerence Darrell. Gerald
Kersh, Ray Kassel, Joseph УА у. Jules Жуй». Жап
Shepherd, Welham Inersen and Joesph Weed Hoth >
Hagh Hefner exchanges кез on the serial verelation with
a friest. minister and valdi in" The Ж fy

„боной Baker ас hen M in an
exclusive Playboy Aion
most popular Playmates
LeRoy Neiman a

First of our eight Femlin covers (bottom lefi) is by Neimon; the three others shown here feature
figurines designed by riAvsov Art Director Arthur Poul and executed by sculptor Austin Fox, Jr.

PLAYBOY.

lived with a man about town and always
tried to compete for his attention with
regularsized women (like the ones on
the centerfold). Her methods included
sabotage: jumping into drinks, untying
shoelaces, hiding cuff links, etc. With
input from Hefner and Art Director
Arthur Paul, Neiman gradually devel-
oped the Femlin into a character who
has become nearly as much a symbol of
PLAYBOY as the familiar Rabbit Head. She
has appeared on eight covers (more than
most Playmates, so the little lady really
has no reason to be jealous).

ZZ

ozens of readers have

written to Neiman over

the years, asking for original

Femlin paintings. He has had to turn
them all down, but says, "I could prob-
ably make a living just doing Femlins
for private collectors if I had to.” From
the beginning, the Кешіп has retained
her basic personality, but she has changed
with the times. She started out as noth-
ing more than a party girl, but lately,
she has rollerskated and manipulated
pocket calculators. She's also been get-
ting outdoors a lot—carving her initials
into trees or picking flowers. As Neiman
says, "She's an all-American girl.” (You
mean there's no Fernlin in the Kremlin?)
Anyway. many happy returns to the saucy
little lady who proves the adage that
good things do come in small packages.

Unable to resist feshing out a fantasy, іп May 1963, we did а pictorial,
The Femlin Comes to Life, from which the phatas on this page were token.

HOLDEN
CAULFIELD

AT
MIDDLE AGE

he was sixteen the last

time you saw him.
ever wonder where

he is today?

ILLUSTRATION BY JOANNE DALEY

an affectionate parody
By DAVID STANDISH

IF YOU REALLY want to hear about it, it
started . . . Christ, when does anything
start? No doubt it goes back to birth
trauma or some shitty earlier incarnation
or one of those. Or maybe that big week-
end when I was 16, when I gave Phoebe
that red hunting cap and sat watching
her on the carrousel in the winter rain.
The good old days. And, amazing but
true, about 30 years ago now. Time sure
does fly when you're having fun. Also
when you're not. I remember 1 bought
the hat to cheer myself up after I lost all
the goddamned fencing foils on the sub-
way. I can still see them in a pile in an
empty car, rattling along toward Queens.

Anyway, my life of crime. It began one
dark night in Beverly Hills, almost two
days ago. 1 know it's a little low to blame
your children for things, but the truth is
did wigger it, Cassie and her
nd Spike. But that comes a

little later.
I was staying at D.B.'s mansion up in
one of those fancy canyons inhabited

exclusively by Hollywood hotshits and
moguls and faces you see up on bill-
boards. These ч. DR. is a hona fide
mogul. He's produced about 10,000 mov-
ies and is close personal friends with
everyone you've ever heard of. Don't get
me wrong. D.B.'s great. At the moment,
he's down in Yucatan on location in the
jungle, shooting the film version of that
big Broadway musical Cortes Calling!!
You wouldn't believe D.B.'s house. It
looks like it belongs in a Thomas Hardy
novel or something, this classic Tudor
country manor, slate roof and all. grafted
onto the subtropical hills. It could be
merrie olde England. except for the For-
ties lipstick splashes of bougainvillaea
and the ripe avocados falling on your
. and the trees bordering the street

he:
that look like towering mutant pincap-

ples ready to attack. The place has a pedi-
gree a mile long. Clara Bow lived there
before or alter or with Will Rogers, and
W. C. Fields once threw up into the pool,
and a young Woody Allen once broke a
racket over Errol Flynn on the tennis
court for making anti-Semitic remarks
about his backhand—you know, like
that. D.B.’s nuts about it. He just bought
it last year with his points from Star
Wars, alter literally years of driving by
and drooling on the leather in his Jaguar
over it.

Which is partly what I was doing
there, He's so crazy about the house, he
didn’t want to leave it alone while he
was in Mexico—somebody might break
in and steal one of the legends or some-

thing. Also, we were doing that brotherly
dance that happens sometimes when I
sort of lose it. The first time was after my
big weekend when I was 16. I spent а
month with him after Dr. Blundvogel
and his associates determined 1 was again
fit to walk the streets. That was the first
time D.B. tried to convert me, to con-
vince me I should strive to grow up to be
a screenwriter, like he was then. He al-
ways said,
Like the words wer

mous.

capitalized
or something. He still uses the same old
line on me. Rich and Famous. Like it
could actually happen magically here in

the late rounds, with Howard Cosell call-
ing the play-by-play. Like it might even
mean something if it happened. Right
alter 1 got back from Korea and couldn't
find anything else 1 could do, 1 finally
took old D.B. up on his offer and tried
writing a few scripts. 1 even bought a
cashmere V-neck sweater with suede
sleeve patches and grew a sad little
mustache. But my scripts were the worst.
J always ended up liking all the charac
ters and not letting anything shitty hap-
pen to any of them—which makes for a
nice benign universe but really awful
drama. Luckily for all of us, they never
got made. Oh, D.B. did borrow a few

Chariot scenes I'd done and put them in
Visigoth Glory, a
veh

inor Victor Mature
le that turns up on television some-
on Saturday mornings. But that

Famous.

Jast few years Patty and 1 were marri
] mean, we had a duplex on Fifth near
the children's zoo, and we went to Lon-
don or Paris—at Patty's
or twice a year, and we drank Perrier-
Jouét in the flowered bottles when we
felt like it. 1 put together a pretty decent
collection of bigband 78s and Patty
had the first C rt in our building.
This largess came to us courtesy of Vern,
my Industrial Giant father-in-law. ‘The
moment Patty and I got back from our
so-called honeymoon in Curagao—which
has to be the worst excuse for an island
in the Caribbean, cactus everywhere in-
stead of palm trees, unrelenting gale-
force wade winds that smell like bus
fumes, about four fect of natural beach
and a sun that fries you like bacon
before you know it. The first thing you

ing off the plane, there in topical
an ой refinery, belching away.
Terrific place. Anyway, the moment
we got back, sunburn peeling, Vern had
put me right into a decent suit behind
а travertine desk, and began patiently
grooming me, the son he never had, to

take over the (continued on page 294) 23s

OF 1980

A PLAYBOY
SURVEY

12 PAGES

MATINEE IDOLS: Al-
though this wasn't a year in
which а star's name on the
marquee guaranteed big
box-office bucks, these
gentlemen still set ladies"
pulses to pounding.
Richard Gere (left) played
for pay in American Gigolo,
then—daringly— played a
homosexual prisoner in
Broadway's Bent. Clint
Eastwood (below left)
spoofed his own image,
not to mention that of all
traditional Westerns, in
Bronco Billy before follow-
ing up at Christmastime
with Any Which Way You
Can. While fans awaited
his Superman sequel.
Christopher Reeve (right)
Starred in an old-fashioned
romance, Somewhere in
Time. Indulging in a bit of
role reversal at right below
are the redoubtable Burt
Reynolds and his on-again.
off-again lady, Sally Field.
who nabbed an Oscar for
her work in Norma Rae.

s
E
Fi
g
Е
5
2
ф
E
H
e

лушанут нззмпун ин) ©

GENTLEMEN PREFER BLONDES: All three actresses above have at one time or another been identified with Marilyn
Monroe: Misty Rowe (left) in 1976's Goodbye, Norma Jean; Constance Forslund (center) in 1980's Moviola; and Linda Kerridge
(right) іп this fall's release Fade to Black. (For more on Linda, see page 218.) Blondie's Deborah Harry (below left), seen in last
summer's film Roadie, epitomizes the blonde bombshell of the Eighties; for a look at Debbie when she wasn't a blonde, see

Bunny Birthday, page 152. Sybil Danning (below right), like Misty Rowe, appeared on film this year in The Man with Bogart's Face

Dorothy Stratten had a certain magic. Some of it has been captured on the screen—in her
starring vehicle, Galaxina, and in Peter Bogdanovich's forthcoming They All Laughed, in which
she played the ingénue. Still more can be seen in photographs like this one, taken when she
became Playmate of the Year for 1980. Dorothy's tragic, untimely death late last summer cut

short what seasoned star watchers predicted was sure to have become an outstanding film career.

248

unexpurgated sunday sehool

queen bath-sheba

Grass widows and princes! A warning I sing

Of the sad, wicked doings of David the King

With Bath-sheba, wife of poor Major Uriah,

Who was bathing one day when the king chanced to spy her.

He was drinking upstairs and the weather was hot,
And her window was open (a thing she forgot)

And the stark-naked beauty had little idea

That, while she was washing, a creature could see her.

She and her sister were sporting together,
Enjoying the warmth of the bright summer weather.
They bathed in the fountain, and while they were washing,
Were romping all naked and leaping and splashing.

What man could resist such an awful temptation?
He forgot he was king of the sanctified nation;

He was filled with delight and lewd admiration,
And was mad for the raptures of fierce fornication.

Beware of the Devil, who seldom lies sleeping!

So, while she was washing and while he was peeping,
The king's living scepter grew stiff as a rod.

“Nice mutton!” cried David. “I'll fuck her, by God!”

So, calling a page, he desired him to go
And inquire all about her. He answered, “I know
the lady your Majesty's pleased to admire
Is the wife of the valorous Major Uriah.”

Ribald Classic

King David then answered, “Go fetch her—and quick!
Much conscience, indeed, has a stiff-standing prick.”
The page ran to call her; she put on her smock

And hurried to wait on his Majesty's cock.

One touch to her hand and one word in her ear,
And she fell on her back like a sweet, willing dear.
He was frantic with lust and she seized his erection
And pointed it just in the proper direction.

She was girlish and lively, a heavenly figure;

With the cunt of an angel, she fucked with great vigor.
He'd get her with child—he hoped for a son,

So he said a long grace when the swiving was done.

Then the lady went home and she very soon found
Her belly was growing unluckily round.

“Tis an honor,” she said, "I could hardly expect,
But your Majesty now must his handmaid protect.”

“Never fear,” cried the king, “ГИ be your advisor,
ГИ send for the Major while no one's the wiser.”
So he sent for Uriah, who speedily came,

But unluckily never laid hands on the dame.

King David was puzzled. He made the man tipsy,
But still he avoided his lewd little gypsy.
Again David plotted and his wish was fulfilled:
In the front of the battle, Uriah was killed
—ATTRIRUTED TO SIR WILFRID LAWSON

john the baptist Salomé just rolled her eyes; Не went lo heaven, minus head,

John the Baptist was a saint She wanted John between her thighs. While Salomé just went to bed.

And Salomé a queen. к She saad her breasts; she dropped her т), moral of this tale, it seems,

He wore a halo, she wore paint; жом “ Is: Better learn to mix your dreams.

Вой inhabited à гер But John was adamant as nails. наа

Now, John was quite а happy fellow So Salomé, that sensual fish,

"Til the day when he did bellow, Procured an ax and got a dish pos конные HER plur. 8

“Paint and halos cannot mix!” And put John’s head upon the block. наш ar ке ошо eH
Pun дер Ба re ox that her husband bo ;

Poor Joka the В. vain орх Joron lost TOES EST ар асы But thank the Lord you're not forbidden

To covet your neighbor's daughter.
—ANONYMOUS
bible stories

Come one, come all, everybody come.

Join the Baptist Sunday school and have a lot of fun.

Please check your chewing gum and razors at the door,

And you'll hear some Bible stories that you never heard
before.

Adam was the first man, and Eve, she was his wife.

They lived in the Garden and they led a happy life.

But Eve ate of the apple and she turned the poor man's
brain—

They were ordered to the suburbs and they started raising
Gain.

The Lord created Satan and he invented sin—

It’s one time that God came out leading with His chin.

For sin got so attractive everybody joined the fun;

There are 40 neat positions—or is it 41?

Noah was a sailor who built himself an ark;

And when the good Lord caused a flood, old Noah did
embark.

He took along the animals and all his children, too.

And when the little ones were bored, they watched the
beasties screw.

Onan, son of Judah, was a melancholy kid;

He'd jerk and jerk and jerk and jerk, and that was all he did.
But the Lord got really angry when Onan shunned his mate;
The fellow had forgotien how to rightly fornicate!

Joseph was a handsome boy, the kind a dame could dig;

His boss's wife, she eyed him, and straightway flipped her wig.
She grabbed him by his peckerwood and sat him on her lap.
But Joey wouldn't fall for that—he knew she had the clap.

Moses was a wise old bird who knew some fancy tricks.

The Gyppos tried some phony stuff, but Moe told off the
pricks.

Old Pharaoh did pursue them and the Israelites did flee,

But Moses fixed those assholes when he drowned them in
the sea.

Joshua was a jazz cat, the greatest ever born.

The walls of Jericho fell down when he blew upon his horn.
Pursuing all his enemies, he bade the sun stand still.

The sun, it wouldn't listen, so he nailed it to a hill.

Jeremiah was а wailer who cried all night and day.

He bawled and moaned and wailed, cried out, “Oy, vay!
Оу, vay! Oy, vay!”

When they asked him, “What you cryin’ for?’ he dropped
his handkerchief.

“The worst, dear friends, has happened. My pecker won't
get stiff.”

Paul was a salesman who traveled hill and dale,

But although he was a bachelor, he never hunted tail.

He frowned on every female and he preached that sex was
out—

Which was just because Paul's peter was afflicted with the
gout. — TRADITIONAL AMERICAN SONG

ILLUSTRATIONS BY BRAD HOLLANO.

PLAYBOY

SEX STARS .............

“Hagman has become a sex object whose emergence
in middle age is as surprising as John Derek’s.”

fantasy in “10”, and that may have been
just what fans were looking for after so
many empty flirtations with television
cuties and lukewarm performances by the
ladies of the big screen.

But, as any devoted student of woman-
hood knows, there are no 10s in real life.
‘There can't be, perfection remaining be-
yond the grasp. Consequently, even
though Bo is a solid 9 or an 814 at worst,
she shares the honor with hundreds of
others. So what makes her so special?

Our private theory, totally unprovable,
gives the credit to husband John Derek,
who has to rank as a major sex star of
1980 himself, even though he hasn't ap-
peared oncamera in 15 years. Who else—
at 54—could boast a wife of 23 who was
but a fortunate heiress to a manly per-
sona previously cherished by beautiful
brides Ursula Andress and Linda Evans?
The torrid trio not only loved him then
and now, they’re all still terrific pals with
one another, presumably swapping erotic
tips and remembrances along with rec-
ipes and laundry lists.

For young men looking forward to
one, wo or three doting, beautiful wives
and for older men looking back on one,
two or three ex-wives who won't speak
to them, much less to one another, Bo
Derek is a symbol of more than feminine
perfection. Thanks to John, no mean
promoter, she personifies every man's
dream.

One of the strangest sex stars to come
along in recent memory is Larry Hagman,
best known as the nefarious J. R.
Ewing from Dallas. By all definitions
common among the ladies Z know, J.R. is
a true creep—vain, selfish, conniving,
chauvinistic and indifferent in bed, to
boot. But, for some reason, the women
love him—and Hagman has become a sex
object whose sudden emergence in mid-
dle age is as surprising, and as inspira-
tional in its own way, as John Derek's.
(Hagman, though, has had only one mar-
riage—duration 26 years—and he takes
his wife, Maj, everywhere to share his
new glory.)

Could it be that, despite all the femi-
nist nagging to raise male consciousness,
women still harbor some secret admira-
tion for the louse who can dominate
them—and that the menfolk know it's
so, or at least wish it to be?

But there is also Richard Gere to con-
sider. After his discovery in an important
but minor role in Looking for Mr. Good-
bar, Gere flopped at the box office as a

250 soldier in Yanks. He was then rejected

for the part of the hired heartbreaker in
American Gigolo in favor of John Travolta,
who was theoretically perfect for the job.
However, Travolta backed out, saying
he preferred playing more sensitive
characters, and Gere wound up with
the part after all.

In a film widely trashed by critics,
Gere proved perfect as the handsome,
impeccably turnedout Beverly Hills
gigolo willing to do anything to a lady
for a price (even when the husband paid
to watch). The ladies in the audience
paid, too, in impressive numbers, to see
Gere stand naked in front of the camera.

American Gigolo catapulted Gere into
the majors as a romantic lead of the
love-em-and-leaveem type, but he nearly
blew his femme following by segueing
into Bent on Broadway, where he
played—graphically—a homosexual in a
Nazi war camp. It was a courageous artis
tic decision, but one that spread. panic
among daydreaming girls. Gere was
forced to emphasize his private life with
steady girlfriend sylvia Martins (not to
mention his many earlier ladyfriends,
including Barbara Carrera, Penny Milford
and Tuesday Weld). As a hunk, Gere is
definitely somebody to keep an eye on, at
least as Jong as he’s wise, lucky and con-
tinues to get the parts Travolta rejects.

Surprisingly enough, there is some in-
nocence left in the land. One of the box-
office hits of the year was The Blue
Lagoon, a syrupy romance suggesting
that two beautiful children left naked
on a South Sea island would grow up to
be two beautiful teenagers naked on a
South Sea island, doing what came
naturally.

(For a wonderful piece in the L.A.
Times, however, Joe Saltzman consulted
tropical medical experts who concluded
that the teenage couple would have
grown up to have “matted hair, lots of
pimples, blotchy pigmentation, chroni
cally blistered and peeling noses, wrin
kles and lines around the eyes, chronic
sunburn, scars from various wounds and
draining abscesses, scratches and a vari-
ety of minor, but ugly, bacterial, yeast
and fungi infections all over their
bodies.")

In a promising screen debut, hand-
some Christopher Atkins played Blue
Lagoon's boy and Brooke Shields its girl.
After her start as a subteen whore in
Pretty Baby and other tender sexpot
parts, Shields's virginal appearance here
seems to indicate she is growing up on-
screen in reverse. Despite Lagoon's R

rating, the teens who aren't supposed to
get in without parents went as couples,
holding hands and breathing heavily.
But. as we've so often noted, any teen-
ager with five dollars in hand who can't
get into an R movie, at least in most
cities, has personality problems that are
beyond harm or help from films.

Kids with money, in fact, had a lot of
sweetly smutty pictures to choose from
this year, many starring teenagers who
theoretically couldn't get in without
their parents, either. There was Jodie
Foster as a sexpot in Foxes, joined by
blonde beauty to watch Cherie Currie (а
former Runaway lead singer now paired
with twin Merie on their first album).
Tetum O'Neal and Kristy McNichol squared
oft in Little Darlings as two maids com-
peting to lose their maidenheads. Since
even teens have some taste, both pictures
flopped, as did Roller Boogie, starring
former teen queen Linda Blei, now 21.

Privately, the young ladies fared better.
Foster, the brainy опе, was graduated
from high school (rendering the com-
mencement address in fluent French) and
had her pick of Ivy League colleges; she
chose Yale. McNichol, the fun one, was
all excited about moving away from
home for the first time, into her own
house. And O'Neal, the sophisticated
one, still had her hands full chaperoning
bachelor dad Ryan, especially after he
took up company with Farrah,

Farrah? Farrah? The name sounds
familiar, but it's hard to place the face.
Is she the one who used to be on
Charlie's Angels? Oh, yeah; whatever
happened to her?

Poor girl After her marriage to Lee
Мейоз strained at the hyphen, she still
had her film career to fall back on, even
though she had bombed in her first two
pictures after deserting Charlie. With all
that beautiful hair and those teeth, her
third try at the movies was bound to
click; but it didn't. Saturn 3 was quickly
lost in space, despite the baring of one
breast by Farrah and an entire, though
wrinkled, backside by co-star Kirk Douglas.

Farrah at least had the companion-
ship of many other TV stars who tried
to break out into feature films. Most
noticeably, and embarrassingly, two from
Three's Company were awfully lonely up
there on the big screen without an audi-
ence. Suzanne Somers flopped in Nothing
Personal and John Riter flubbed in
Hero at Large. Saturday Night Live's
Jane Curtin made a shaky debut in How
to Beat the High Cost of Living, while
John Belu: nd Dan Aykroyd went down
in flames in 1941 before being rescued
in The Blues Brothers.

If it was any consolation to televi-
ion's hopefuls, however, many of the
biggest names in films were having their
troubles, too. Most surprisingly, Clint

(continued on page 357)

PLAYBOYS
COLLEGE BASKETBALL PREVIEW

sports
By ANSON MOUNT

our pre-season
picks for the country’s top
undergrad hoop stars

HE JACKALS are on the loose again
| Unprincipled scavengers always
start sniffing around when tal.
ented amateurs begin to show signs
of becoming potential money machines.
It's true in every sport, and it's no less
so in college basketball. This time, it's
the professional players’ agents who have
discovered a way to legally and prof-
itably undermine the spirit of ama-
teurism by tempting the avarice of
unsophisticated high school and college
cagers.

Fans have wondered in recent years
how so many of the better college ath-
letes from modest backgrounds could
drive expensive cars, purchase elegant
clothes and wear jewelry that rivals
Queen Elizabeth's. Some observers have
suspected under-the-table handouts from

TOP 20 TEAMS

- Kentucky - Virginia

. Indiana . Lavisville

}. Oregon State . Lavisiana State
- Maryland . Arkansas

. DePaul . Bradley

, Texas A&M . Wyoming

. Notre Dome . Duke

. Georgetown. . UCLA

. Ohia State . Pittsburgh

. Missouri . Illinois.

Possible Breakthroughs
North Carolina, Arizona State, Wichita
State, Vanderbilt, Evansville, St.
Bonaventure, Marquette, Old D. Playboy All-America center Som Bowie af Kentucky leaped to dunk a shat aver the outstretched hand
lowo, Rutgers, Nebraska, lona. of Indiona forward Glen Grunwald as the Wildcats defeated the Hoosiers last December. Kentucky is
riAvtOYs pick for the national championship this season, with Indiana tabbed for the runner-up slot. 25]

Herb Williams
forward, Ohio Stote ۴ f

we
^-^

PLAYBOYS 1980-1981 PREVIEW

PHOTOGRAPHY By BILL ARSENAULT

forward, DePaul Albert King
forward, Morylond

Darnell Valentine
guord, Kansos

Isiah Thomas

ALL-AMERICA TEAM c epe

PLAYBOY

coaches or wealthy fans. But that, as it
turns out, is rarely the case.

A confidential conversation with a col-
lege basketball player a few months ago
gave us an inkling of the true state of
affairs. So we set out—Diogeneslike—to
find an ethical agent to tell us how his
less admirable peers work their game.
Alter receiving assurances of anonymity,
our informer outlined a variation of
the ancient and dishonorable loan-shark
rip-off:

Industrious and farsighted agents, he
explained, retain the services of a num-
ber of college assistant coaches (off the
record, of course). whose duty it is to
report to the agent the identities of any
sure-fire future basketball stars
ered in the course of their scouting trav-
els. Impoverished players from ghetto

discov-

schools are preferred; the sons of finan-
cially secure parents arc poor game.

Once the hot prospect is identified,
the agent goes calling and cuts a deal.
The kid signs a binding player-agent
contract that will take effect when his
college playing carcer is finished. The
agent, in turn, keeps the young man
supplied with spending money and as-
sorted goodies throughout the remainder
of his high school and college years—
surreptitiously. of course.

The contract is perfectly legal. but if
its existence should become known. the
player would lose his college eligibility
Jf the N.C.A.A. should find out that his
coach knew of the existence of such a
contract, the school would be slapped
with a painful and embarrassing proba
tion. In short, the tempter is taking no

ALL-AMERICA SQUAD

(All of whom cre likely to moke someone's
All-America team at season's end)

FORWARDS: Donny Vrones (Utah), Gene Banks (Duke), Trocy Jackson (Notre Dame),
Kelly Tripucko (Notre Dame), Sam Clancy (Pittsburgh), Terry Teogle (Baylor), Rynn
Wright (Texas A&M), Charles Bradley (Wyoming), Mike McGee (Michigon), Oliver Lee
(Marquette), Ricky Pierce (Rice), Lewis Lloyd (Droke), Charles Ооу (Vanderbilt), Earl
Belcher (St. Bonoverture), Воо Bowers (American)

CENTERS; Steve Johnson (Oregon State), Alton Lister (Arizona State), Scott Hastings

(Arkamas), Sidney Creen (Mevedo-Los Vegos), Cherokee Rhune (Cer

Royhorn (Northern Illinois)

теу), Alles

GUARDS: Rod Foster (UCLA), Jeff Lamp (Virginia), Scooter McCray (Louisville),
Rolondo Blackman (Kansas State), Al Wood (North Carolina), Darius Clemors (Loyclo),
Rob Willicms (Houston), Ray Blume (Oregon State), Terry Adolph (West Texas State)

TOP NEWCOMERS

(incoming freshmen end transfers who should make big
contributions to their respective teams)

Clarence Tillman, forward . .
Fred Brown, guard ... ..
Chuck Aleksinos, center . .
Ed Major, guard . .

Derek Harper, чога
Russell Cross, forward .
Art Aaron, forward - -
Kenny Perry, forward . .
Tom Prusotor, center

Joe Kleine, center...
Charles Jones, forword ..
‘Melvin Turpin, center
Dicky Beal, guard .

Joe Cooper, center ...
Victor Mitchell, center . .
Maurice McDoniel, forward
Donnell Allen, forward . .
Poul Pressey, guord
Clayton Olivier, center .
Mark McNomoro, center .
Chris Engler, center ....
Greg Goorjion, guard .. .

... «Rutgers
Georgetown
Connecticut
-Ohio State
illinois

„Purdue
Northwestern
Evonsville

Oral Roberts
Notre Dome

2- Louisville

- -Kentucky
«Kentucky

. -Coloredo
-Korsas

Texas ARM
Мино State
ER
Southern Colifornic.
-.....Californio
222... Wyoming
Nevoda-Los Vegas

chance, but the temptee is risking his
athletic career. Needless to say, college
coaches are very careful to appear to
remain unaware of such arrangements.
And that, perhaps, is where the major
blame lies for the increasing perversion
of college athletics. No one is in a better
position to notice a player's unexplained
affluence than are his coaches. If the
phony amateurism of college athleti
becomes a country-wide disgrace, they'll
have only themselves to blame.

But what if the player doesn't make
it to the pro? No matter. An agent
may be nursing as many as 25 such
undercover arrangements, and if only
four or five work out, he still makes
out like a bandit. A top professional
basketball player can earn as much as
$10,000,000 in his playing career, and
20 percent of that (the usual agent fee)
is a lot of loot.

Will all of this explode in some kind
of scandal someday and thereby end
such shenanigans? Don't hold your
breath. The only developments that
could affect the situation would be if
pro basketball should lose much of its
enormous entertainment appeal, thus
greatly reducing the monies available
[or player salaries, or if the young ath-
letes should wise up and realize that they
may wind up paying, in cffect, $2,000,000
interest on a $10,000 loan. Since neither
of the above eventualities is likely to
occur, these latter-day guld-brick sales-
mcn will undoubtedly continue to
prosper.

So while we wait in v; for amateur
athletics to become less professional, let's
take a look at the teams around the
country and their prospects for this
season.

.

The administration at the University
of Pittsburgh has made a public com-
mitment to improve the Pitt basketball
program. It made a similar commitment
about football in 1973 and it has pai
off handsomely. The payoff in basketball
should begin to show this season. New
coach Roy Chipman inherits four of
last season's five starters and has landed
а brace of blue-chip recruits, Clyde
Vaughn and Brett Crawford. Pittsburgh
will become a national basketball power
in the near future—maybe this winter.

St. Bonaventure and Rutgers could
give Pitt a tussle for the conference
championship. Both teams have all their
big guns back from last season and each
school has a hotshot newcomer—guard
Norman Clarke at St. Bonaventure and
forward Clarence Tillman at Rutgers

This will be a rebuilding year at
Duquesne. Graduation took much of the
scoring punch and the guard ranks are
thin.

Rhode Island makes its entry into

(continued on page 360)

NONO Ñ VA NS

“Any time Christmas falls on the [ull moon—we’ve got problems!"

255

> * % % “ч
Ё
ж”
r >”
y

«С
Жж
* n

For a 217" x 282" full-color holiday poster of the Clydesdales in snow, send $3.00 check or money order payable to
Anheuser-Busch, Inc., Dept. X, 2800 бошт 9th Street, St. Louis, Мо. 63118. (Void where prohibited).

NING OF BEERS» ANHEUSER BUSCH, INC = ST. LOUIS

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20 QUESTIONS: TRUMAN CAPOTE

the ni virtuoso and “adult terrible" names america's sexiest women—

an

xplains, finally, what separates the rich from you and me

ach of Truman Capote’s books has gen-
E erated strong opinion—most (but not
all) of it enthusiastic. "Music for Chame-
leons,” his latest, is no exception, so we
dispatched syndicated television reporter
Nancy Collins to discuss that and other
subjects with him at his New York apart-
ment. “He had a terrible cold,” she told
us, “but that didn’t muffle any of his
opinions.”

in

Americans seem obsessed with.

PLAYBOY
other people's opinions—especially yours.
Whyz

carote: My own opinion is that people
don't have good opinions. Everybody
borrows his opinions from other people,
who have already borrowed theirs [rom
somebody else. That's why conversation
is so difficult.

2.
rLayuoy: Do you think your opinions are
the basis of your appeal?

carote: I don't have any appeal. I just
arouse curiosity. Actually, that’s about
70 percent truc. I do think I have a
largish following of people who really
just like my writing.

E
PLAYBOY: What is the state of man/
woman relationships today?
carote: The same as it has been and al-
ways will be; I don't think anything is
ever going to change between men and
women, The real difference hetween men
and women is nature. There's something
in the nature of a woman that makes her
ant to be dominated by a man, at least
in some sexual sense. And that's some-
thing that can't be eradicated.

4.
Hasn't the women's movement
changed that?

PLAYBOY:

Women's liberation has gone a
long way and its done a terrific lot,
economically speaking. Actually, infla-
tion has more to do with women's lib-
anything else—you know,
second income. The old
d to push the old wife out
ys. Before, he would have
“Oh, honey, I wouldn't have you
soiling your hands down at the garage.”
Now he has her pushing an 18-ton truck.

the need fc
husband is g
to work nowad

said,

5.
PLAYBOY: What have women lost because
of the women's movement?

carote: I don't think they've lost a thing,
or at least they've gained a lot more

PHOTOS BY BARRY MCKINLEY

than they've lost. They gained economic
independence. What they lost—if they
lost it—is what their actual role is in
relation to
saw, balancing a successful career and a
successful marriage—well, I've never seen
it work. I've never known a career wom-
an who didn’t essentially dominate her
husband.

6
PLAYBOY: But isn't power іп a woman
sexy?
carote: I think power in а man is sexy,
but 1 don't think power in a woman is
sexy. I think power in a woman turns
men off. It's too intimidating.

т
PLA Then you wouldn't find, say,
Barbara Walters sexy?
5 1 don't consider

m

: ara Walters
powerful in that sense. She's a television
personality. Her power can go like that
[snaps his fingers]. It’s hanging on a very
thin string. By tomorrow, ABC could
€ her and she'd be selling lingeric at
Bloomingdale's.

8.
PLAYBOY: Who arc the sexiest women you
know?
слоте: I think Kay Graham is extremely
sexy. Her figure and make-up are great;
she has extraordinary eyes and one of the
most seductive voices you ever heard—
when, that is, she's being seductive. She
s any man she's with totally forget
bout Kay Graham, Tycoon. I don't
think she's always had this quality; she
didn't when I first knew her.

Very few men are attracted to women
because of their minds, although for my
next candidate that might seem to be the
only reason: Lillian Hellman. Lillian is
not at all what we would normally call a
particularly attractive woman. However,
she has this amazing thing —if women
have it, they can put themselves over, no
matter what they look like. Lillian Hell.
man simply believes she is the sexiest,
lluring woman in any room. She
moves that way; she acts that way; she
looks at men that way. The last thing on
Hellman’s mind is literature or art, Her
whole manner is strictly below the belt—
the way she moves her hips, her arms,
her hands, the whole thing. The funny
thing about it is it works; I know in-
nerable men who have been in love
with her.

The next woman

most

is Maria Theresa

the wife of columnist Herb Caen,
is from Louisiana, is small and
h, She's not exactly beautiful at
all—she's always well groomed—but you
always notice that men gravitate toward
her. There's something in her voice, her
laugh. She’s got thisreal merriment about
her. She's also extremely intelligent.

Also, Gloria Guinness is an exti
narily sexy woman. She ha
id mystery. She's а selber
why I like her. All the women I r
like are sel creations.

9.
What makes rich women more
interesting than poor ones? Or are they?
CAPOTE: | don't think rich women are
interesting at all. My idea of joy is not
to sit next to Blanchette Rockefeller at
dinner, you know.

"The only rich women who ever inter-
ested me, the only on
my friends, were adventurcsses—people
who were total self-creations. Gloria
Guinness is a prime example. Aud Jackic
Onassis and Lee Radziwill are not f;

ion—that's
Hy

PLAYBOY:

s who were ever

off the mark. They started out with
money, so they weren't entirely self-
made. And, of course, there was Babe

Paley. She came trom a very distin-
guished background, but, indeed, she
total selfcreation, She made her-
sel look that way; it was her taste, her
style, her total invention

10.
тілушоу: Is the age of the adventures
over?
CAPOTE: A top-class adventuress is in a
category all by herself. But she's
creature, so when one comes along,
there's always а big market for her.

I would advise a lot of women who
have brains, good looks, style, and so
forth, and set out to make a career as an
actress or a model, to forget it. Pretend
you never heard of the theater or the
movies. Say all that interests you is lead-
ing a very subdued, settled, high-society
life and you'll make it. I don't know if
you'll get what you want, but you'll get
more than you would the other way. Un.
less she's got tic drive, а woman
shouldn't be too career-oriented. It's
OK up to a point, but you have to have
inhuman drive.

a rare

11.
pıaynoy: In Breakfast at Tiffany's,
Holly Golightly says she has taught
herself to like (concluded on page 270)

259

PLAYBOY

Ds. ү,
LA (continued from page 145)

“Norman Mailer, on a visit to the Chicago Playboy
Club, was fascinated by cottontail cleavage.”

Bunny has not only survived, she has
multiplied. Triumphantly. Since 1960,
upwards of 25,000 young women have
worn the ears and tails of the Playboy
Bunny, and we'd like to salute them. So
happy birthday, Bunny!

.

The Playboy Club's most enduring
attraction—like rLavnoy itself, which
was originally going to be called Slag
Parby—just missed entering the world
under another name. Our
ad, which appeared in the Chicago
Tribune late in 1959, secking “the 30
most beautiful girls in Chicagoland” to
stall the new Playboy key club, re-
ferred to the prospective employees as
Playmates. At least the costume illustrat-
ing the ad bore some resemblance to the
Bunny outfit finally adopted, though it
was furtrimmed and lacked collar
and сий. When he was laying plans for
his new club, Hugh Hefner's first notion
had been to dress the girls in shortie
nightgowns. The rabbit, to him, was a
masculine symbol. But associates— Victor
Lownes, then the magazine's promotion
director, among them—persuaded Hel-
ner to carry the Playboy Rabbit identifi-
cation into the magazine's nightlife
extension. Lownes was dating a girl
named Па Torins, a Latvian model who
had appeared on Hef's television show
Playboy's Penthouse; Ша% mother, a
seamstress, ran up a sample costume
and—presto!—the Bunny was born.

To bring his dub idea to fruition.
Hefner enlisted not only Lownes but
also experienced Chicago restaurateur
Arnold Morton. Morton left Playboy in
1973 to return to the restaurant business;
his establishments are among the most
popular in the Chicago area. Lownes is
lI with the company; as President of
Playboy Clubs International, he makes
his home in England, where he super
vises Playboy's profitable British gaming
operations.

Masterminded by the triumvirate of
Hefner, Lownes and Morton, the Chi-
cago Playboy Club was a success from
the moment it opened its doors at 116
East alton Street. Within months,
50,000 keyholders had signed up and
plans were under way for expansion to
other cities. As columnist Art Buchwald
put it a couple of years later, "Not many
people are aware of it, but Chicago has
become the sex-symbol capital of the
United States. . .. Many people in СІ

260 cago think Bobby Kennedy's recent trip

around the world was a secret sion
Tor Mr. Hefner to find new locations for
Playboy key clubs. The slogan of the
Playboy is, of course, ‘Today girls, to-
morrow the world."

Buchwald wasn't the only observer
who was bewitched by the Bunnies.
Gushed a writer for Paris Match, in a
story headlined “THE NEW AMERICAN PIN-
UP HAS.RABUIT EARS": “The ‘Bunny’ is the
best known animal in American mythol-
ogy. In case of a flood, it will surely be the
first to go up the gangway of the modern-
day Noah's Ark." Tony Crawley, writing
in a more restrained vein for an Eng!
newspaper syndicate, simply described
the Bunny as “the most fashionable sta-
tus symbol for all career girls. The new-
cst entree to films, TV and modeling.’

Norman Mailer, on a visit to the Chi-
cago Playboy Club, was fascinated by
cottontail cleavage. In his book The
Presidential Papers, Mailer described the
Bunny costume’s superstructure- as "a
phallic brassiere—each breast looked like
the big bullet on the (ront bumper of a
Cadillac.” Also intrigued was John Skow
(who has subsequently become a valued
contributor to PLAYBOY); writing in the
March 2, 1963, Saturday Evening Post,
he defined the Bunny as “half geisha and
half double malted, in a satin swimsuit
that shows what swiinsuits usually show."

Television went equally gaga over the
Bunnies. Everybody who was anybody
turned up on ТУ in some version of a
Bunny costume. Rosalind Russell did it;
so did Shari Lewis, Bill ("My name José
Jimenez") Dana, Mimi Hines, Marty
Allen, Steve Rossi, Ruth Burzi, Goldie
Hawn, Steve Allen, Flip Wilson, Johnny
on (on the occasion of his first anni-
versary with The Tonight Show) and
even Charlie Weaver (on the Mike
Douglas Show). In later years, the ladies
of Saturday Night Live—Jane Curtin,
Gilda Radner and Laraine Newman:
also wore Bunny duds on the air. So did
Charlie's first famous Angel, Farrah
Faweett, who, in a 1971 made-for-TV
feature, The Feminist and the Fuzz,
played a Bunny opposite David (Good
Morning America) Hartman.

Alb of that, however, was far in the
future jn 1962, when Hefner wrote in
his informal illustrated journ:
Playboy Club's cotton-ailed cu
become the most famous females of show
e the glamorous Ziegfeld
Twenties. The Bunnies have
d, praised,

analyzed, idolized, damned, kidded and
copied around the world. In the United
States, they have become a TV and dub
comics cliché—a surefire laugh pr

ducer; cartoons about our Bunnies
abound in other magazines and news-
papers.

As if to confirm Hefner's observation,
the ABC television network in 1963
cooked up a special on The World's
Girls, billed as "an hourlong survey of
an's place in the world today," and
ured—along with actress Simone
Signoret and authors Retty Friedan and
Simone de Beauvoir—a New York
Playboy Bunny. Similarly, the Montreal
Expo of 1967 included the Bunny in its
exhibit on professions for females, along
with those of nurse and schoolteacher.

the Bunnies didn't begin to take them-
selves too seriously. Fortunately, the
Bunny is all too human. Her feet can
hurt, her orders get goofed; there can be

spilled шау» garbled | introductions
("Good evening, I'm your Bunny Lotila,"
chirruped a sweet young thing at Lake
Geneva whom Playboy brass had fancied
resembled Vladimir Nabokov's nymphet
and christened with the Bunny name of
Lolita). Our favorite story concerns the
nearsighted Miami cottontail who, in
her zeal to give a keyholder excellent
service, whipped out her Playboy lighter
and ignited the carrot stick on which he
was munching.

And not all the Bunnies’ press has been
good. There have been those who figured
Bunnies were all denizens of Hefner's
own personal briar patch, over which he
exerted some kind of droit du seigneur.
A goggle-eyed writer identified only as “a
special correspondent” for an Auckland,
New Zealand, paper burbled breath-
lessly to his readers that Hefner
an indolent life of Oriental splendor. He
nibbles grapes and cavorts and carouses
with all the bunny girls who frolic be-
hind the wrought-iron gates of his four-
story, 48-roomed mansion in Chicago."
Hoo, boy.

Yarns € that may have titillated
Auckland readers, but they didn't make
life any ca: for the Bunnies. In the
summer of 1964, a dozen of them from
the Chicago Club decided to challenge
the Portage, Indiana, Jaycees to a benefit
baseball game. One of the girls had read
a newspaper story about Tip Brock, an
18-year-old Portage youth paralyzed from
the waist down by a mysterious illness,
and the Bunnies—who had already sup-
plied diapers for infants at Cook County
Hospital, uniforms [or the Highland
Park Little League and were sponsoring
European orphans under the Foster
arents Plan—decided to help out
When syndicated radio commentator

(continued on page 282)

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PHYSICAL ESSENCE BECOMI NG

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YOUR TENSIONS ARE FLOWING
INTO THE COSMOS _

OR MAYBE WE SHOULD
JUST STAY HOME AND.
HANE SEXUAL INTERCOURSE.

STATE Jo BE PART
> THE NOW...

Tom Moner- Chuistepber барыла.

GOOD EVENING..FOR THIS, OUR CHRISTMAS SHOW, WE'RE

GOING TO OPEN UP OUR FORMAT TO BRING YOU A GROUP

OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE UNDERGONE RADICAL PLASTIC SURGERY

TO MAKE THEMSELVES LOOK LIKE CARTOON CHARACTERS
OUT OF PLAYBOY FUNNIES.

OK, LET'S START WITH “OH, YOU KNOW. IT’S SOMETHING To Do.
THE OBVIOUS — WHY? LIKE ROLLER DISCO, MUD (&ESTLING...
ы WHATEVER GETS YoU THROUGH THE NIGHT.

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263

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Puerto Rico is the Rum Island, the
world's foremost rum-producing
region. And Ronrico is the rum—au-
thentic Puerto Rican rurn since 1860.
Ronrico's smooth, light taste has
been the pride of six generations of
Puerto Rican rum masters. One sip
Will tell you why.

RONRICO: AUTHENTIC
RUM OF PUERTO RICO.

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PLAYBOY'S PIPELINE

MAN & WORK

TIPS ON KEEPING YOUR LIFESTYLE IN HIGH GEAR

HOW TO GET YOUR
HEAD HUNTED

Head-hunters, a.k.a. executive recruit-
ers, are the industrial-strength genii
empowered to make the most ambi-
tious professional dreams come true.
Considering that more than 90 percent
of the Fortune 500 corporations have
used them, their summons may well be
the ticket to the executive stratosphere.

Unlortunately, though, head-hunters
are skittish souls who think that as far
as phone calls are concerned, it's far
better to give than to receive. Con-
stantly badgered for a little help by
their friends, recruiters probably
couldn't do much for them even if
they wanted to. A head-hunter does
not work for an individual. He works
for a corporation that usually, having
exhausted all less expensive options, is
willing to pay a large fee—about 30 percent of the first year's
compensation—for the best of all possible candidates to fill
а specific vacancy. Head-hunters are the glassslipper bearers
in search of the perfect foot; they do not run placement
bureaus for upwardly mobile Cinderellas.

RECRUITING THE RECRUITER

Since the direct approach is inadvisable, would-be head-
huntees must, in effect, haunt their industry's Schwab's drug-
stores and hope a talent scout notices them. Obviously, the
best way to get tapped for bigger and better things is
by doing a bang-up job on smaller and worse ones. Then,
when the head-hunter prunes the grapevine—a major
source of prospects—colleagues and competitors alike will
endorse your superior qualities.

Next, make a name for yourself within the industry. Join
professional associations. Attend the meetings, not just to get
drunk at the company table but to mingle and perhaps get
discovered by a recruiter sifting the crowd for fresh talent.

Get your bio in trade directories and on association rosters.
Subscribe to everything in sight, even the most boring and
obscure trade publications, if only to make sure your name
gets on the same computer lists as all the big boys’. Publish
articles in trade journals and house organs, write letters to
editors, but somehow beg, borrow or steal your name into
print. Recruiter research departments scour everything in
ink from The Wall Street Journal to Chain Store Age look-
ing for names of hot tickets to add to their files. Heidrick
and Struggles, to cite one large example, has over 100,000
names in a data bank from which about half of its successful
candidates are drawn.

Chicago-based recruiter Allan J. Cox believes іп pre-
emptive strikes based on the principle that it’s better to
cultivate a head-hunter before you need him. Cox suggests
volunteering to check out recruiters to fill openings in your
firm, thereby pleasing your boss by taking work off his hands
and meeting the head-hunter under the optimumly salubrious

umstance of offering him an as
ignment. Keep him on the hook by
inviting him to company functions
and, when you're preparing a paper
or a speech, consult him on other
heavies in the field, making certain he
understands you're among them and
rising with a bullet.

Noting that these are prime times
for “minority candidates” and women,
John Wareham in Secrets of a Corpo-
rate Headhunter recommends “eth-
nicizing” your name or altering your
gender-—which seems to work for
Geraldo Rivera and Reneé Richards.
Don't rule out bold-faced flattery. After
missing a scheduled appearance at a
head-hunters’ symposium, one recruit-
er received a letter from a purported
member of the audience that virtually
drained the thesaurus in his praise.
But because the letter struck him as
insightful and uncannily accurate, the recruiter forgave the
lie, interviewed and eventually placed the guy. Head-hunters
are human, too. They'll slip on soft soap just as long as they
believe you mean it. No ploy is too outrageous if it works.
Be as creative as imagination and chutzpah allow.

ANSWERING THE CALL

When the call comes through, close your door and listen to
the man. His initial purpose is to verify that you are who
he thinks you are and to arrange an interview. Don't ask
how he got your name; let him assume you receive such calls
constantly. And regardless of what outlandish fandango you
danced to catch his eye, act noncommittal, mildly curious
but definitely not interested in finding greener pastures. That
sort of fagade serves both to impress a recruiter with your
desirability and to reassure an impersonator sent by your
boss of your unswerving loyalty.

If it sounds promising, let him set up the interview. Since
discretion is a recruiter's most important product, any head-
hunter worth his spear can arrange a rendezvous under
conditions of absolute confidentiality.

Since most prospects seem to wear uniform born-to-wield-
power pinstripes, Wareham prescribes a solid dark suit, white
shirt, conservative tic and dean pair of wing-tip shoes. Be
open-minded, ask for mation, but never sell yourself or
in any way imply availability. Wareham writes: “Suggest that
you are stable, secure, well-adjusted, happy, and that you get
on well with everybody, but confess that you wish you were a
Іше less ambitious.” Conclude the interview before he does:
Say you enjoyed it but have to get back to work.

Since executive recruiting is an infant profession still look-
ing for the right formula, no one method is fail-safe. "A lot of
what recruiters do is almost mystical," says New York City head-
hunter Robert Parrella. “I use а lot of instinct and I play a lot
of hunches. I'm most effective when I acquire the names of two
or three people who have all the qualifications my clients
need—and then I go after them.”

— THEODORE FISCHER 267

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PLAYBOY’S PIPELINE

ALL ABOUT PENSION PLANS

TIPS ON KEEPING YOUR LIFESTYLE IN HIGH GEAR

Us an easy choice: Donate your extra

bucks to the IRS or pump them into

something tax deductible. And, for
most of us, that means a pension plan.
But pension managers have the heebie
jeebies. For one thing, in 60 years,
nearly one in four Americans will be
over the age of 65, swooping down on
pension funds like vampire bats attack-
ша herd of Holsteins. And inflation
icxorably shriveling pension dollars
into pennies.
Federal commission has been seek-
ing solutions, such as upping the retire-
ment age. Meanwhile, if you're job
shopping, keep your antennas up for
the best pension deals. You're already
in a pension fund? Check it out. What
will you actually collect? What happens
if you're out of work? A wrong move

Employers can offer more liberal vest-
ing schedules; but they can't be stricter.

‘Thanks to ERISA, the Force is with
you in other ways, too. For example,
On request, your employer must give
you a statement of your vested benefits.
If you leave your job, he must supply a
statement. automatically.

ERISA also covers cligibility—you
must be allowed to participate in the
pension plan if you're at least 25 years
old and you've been on the job at least
a year, One loophole: Defined Benefit
Plans can exclude employees hired
when they're within five years of re-
tirement age.

When you sign up, your pension
plan's administrator must give you an
explanatory booklet, called a summary
plan description, It must be written in

could lose you the whole enchilada.

LEARNING THE LINGO

You have to speak pen;
types of plans:

* Defined Benefit Plan: The moncy you contribute to the
fund varies, but the size of your retirement income is pre-
determined

* Defined Contribution Plan (a.k.a. Individual Account
Plan): You make fixed payments into your own pension-fund
account, with the fund's managers investing your depo
How well the investments do determines your retirement
income

Either plan can be "integrated" tied to Social Security.

mesc, starting with the two basic

‘That means the more your employer contributes to your Social
Security account, the less he kicks in to your pension fund. Not
your best deal. Even stingier are plans to which, regardless of

Social Security, your employer contributes nothing.

GETTING VESTED

Vesting is a key word. If you leave the company too soon,
you lose all or part of the pension benefits you've earned. But
alter you've completed a certain number of years on the job,
some of your benefits are vested—you can't lose them even if
you're fired or you quit. When you retire, the checks will
come in.

The Employment Retirement Income Security Act (ERISA)
of 1974 set vesting standards, with companies given three
choices

* Clif Vesting: full vesting after ten years of service but
esting beforehand.

* Graded Vesting: 25 percent vesting after five years on the
job, five percent for each additional year up to ten years, an
cxtra ten percent for each year thereafter. Thus, your benefits
аге 100 percent vested after 15 years on the job.

+ Rule-of-45 Vesting: 50 percent vesting for ап employee

i at least five years of service when his age and years of
service add up to 45, plus ten percent for cach additional year
up to five years.

plain English and cover at least five
points: eligibility requirements, how
you accumulate benefits, how you can lose benefits, whether or
ot the plan is insured and how you file a claim. If the plan

nges significantly, you should receive an updated summary.
Once a year, you should also receive a summary annual
report, which details the plan’s financial health. Problems get-
ting thc report? Write to the Division of Public Disclosure,
Room N4677, U.S. Department of Labor, 200 Constitution
Avenue, N.W., Washington, D.C. 20216. Give the full name
nd address of the company or union sponsoring your plan.
"There's a modest fee.

BAD BREAKS

tinize your plan summary for break-in-service rules.
You may be slapped with a break in service if—during one
year—you miss 500 hours of work. With some plans, breaks in
service can wipe out everything you have in them.

Also check benefits. *Normal" benefits are the payments you
you retire at the standard age, generally 65 (but in
most cases, no employer can force you to retire before the age
of 70). Many plans Ict you opt for carly retirement, but usually
with skimpicr checks. Some plans pay disability benefits if your
health keeps you out of work. But definitions of disability vary.
So do eligibility rules.

Most pension checks go out monthly. However, some plans
let you receive the entire caboodle in a single lump for rcin-
vestment elsewherc. Some plans—the best ones—are tied to
inflation, with your retirement checks fattening as the price
index rises.

What happens if your company goes bankrupt Or if your
employer torpedoes the pension plan? With some plans, you're
out in the cold; with some, you're safe.
booklet must state if the pension fund
nsured by the Pension Benefit Guaranty Corporation. This
overmnent agency provides termination insurance for pen-
sion plans. It insures only vested benefits in Defined Benefit
Plans, up to a speci Still, it's nice to have a
little help from your friends. — RICHARD WOLKOMIR 269

PLAYBOY

270

TRUMAN CAPOTE

(continued from page 259)

“No one is really rich anymore. Being rich is like the
Presidency—it doesn’t have the cachet it used to.”

older men because she thinks it’s good for
her. Is this still good advice for a woman?
CAPOTE: Indeed it is. Older men аге a
passport that'll carry you across all
frontiers.
12.

praynoy: Why are older men better?
capore: Well, first of all, there's so
much more security attached to an old-
er man. And with an older man, а
woman is just as—probably more—
agrecably active sexually. You're not

going to get your brains pounded out
morning and afternoon, as—I read in
Ann Landers—many women are. In fact,
to hear Dear Abby tell it, the women in
this country are in hysterics over getting
fucked to death.
13.

PLAYBOY: Are the rich really different
from you and me?

capote: Yes, they're more disloyal. In
the long run, the rich run together, no
matter what. They will cling until they

"I'm afraid you have A ddison's disease, Mr. Watkins!”

“I want to see you right away, Miss Addison!”

feel it's safe to be disloyal, then no one
can be more so, They also serve better
vegetables,

M.
PLAYBOY: It seems as if the rich—that
is, the old rich—have lost some of their
allure. What was it in the first place and
what happened to it?
CAPOTE: I think the thing about the rich
is their great terror. You see, their only
identification is their money. They have
this real fear about money, because if
they lose it, they lose their identity.
What they have lost—what you call
allure—is their stability, because no one
is really rich anymore. Being rich is
like the Presidency—it just doesn't have
the cachet it used to. On the whole, I
don't think young people are interested
in rich people today. I mean, who the
hell wants a 180-foot yacht and 25
servants? That sort of thing had to do
with money being the only thing that
gave a person identity, so you had to
spend more and more to get more and
more identity.

15.
PLAYBOY: Define decadence—once and
for all.
capote: Decadence is deliberate cruelty.
It is any act you perpetrate against
another person that you know is going
to hurt him—and you do it on purpose,
with full knowledge that you are doing it.

16.
PLAYBOY: Who is America’s most un-
attractive public couple?
carote: Hands down, Julie and David
Eisenhower. No competition.

17.
pLaysoy: Who is the person most re-
sponsible for pushing America down
the tubes?
capote: Sammy Davis Jr—if you're
referring to television. You simply can-
not turn on the damn set without seeing
that ugly, hideous face, with his million
dollars worth of jewelry, jingling and
jangling, hugging and kissing somebody.
Yuuuch! God!

18.
PLAYBOY: What is the future of democ-
тасу?
carote: The same as Broadway's. Every-
thing seems to be picking up. Theaters
last year made more money than ever.
Yes, it’s like Broadway—everybody al-
ways says its dead, it's gone—but it
always comes back.

19.
PLAYBOY: What is your idea of a fun
date?
CAPOTE: Miss Piggy or Anita Bryant.

20.
PLaynoy: In a movie about your life,
who would you like to play you?
CAPOTE: Greta Garbo. It'll be her great
comeback part.

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272

MARMALADE, PLEASE (continued from page 172)

“She let silence fall between them as she slowly
removed her gloves finger tip by finger tip.”

dismissed haughtily with the passionate
observation that God's world is one—joy
and pain, crocuses and the Crucifixion,
love and lust, d: and denial, human
passion and prayer.

“Dare you deny it?”

Weaponless, he did not.

The only clear hint he ever got any-
where about how marriages break had
been vouchsafed to him one morning a
bare month ago in the little shop of
convenience near their bungalow, man-
aged by an aging man and wife. He ha
always found cach of them normally
friendly and loquacious, That day the
two were in the shop together. The old
man, before attending to him, quietly
asked his wife some trivial question con-
cerning their stock. Was it about fire
lighters, or washing soda? She answered
him in the voice of ancien régime cour-
tesy. in the softest voice, with all the
formality of 2 duchess from the good old
days before the revolution, She said be-
tween politeness and hauteur, "I beg
your pawrdonz" He had fled from the
shop, horrihed by the revelation that this
old pair were living out their last days
in a state of savage war. Passion ends in
politeness. After that, he added to his “If

only we could have had a child” the wish
that they could have one blazing, batter-
ing, bloody row.

E
He jingled his car keys, rose to face
the fog, the bungalow, the evening paper
already out of date, clapped on his black
hat, and saw a vision. His wile was
standing on the platform at the end of
the stairs, dressed in black, her hair
as black as thunder, her midnight lashes
enlarging her eyes that roved the rooms
in search of . . search of whom? He
flung up the arm of a drowning man.
For a moment, she looked across the
rooms at him, then her cyclids sank, her
eyebrows shot upward; she looked at him
again, decided, smiled her small crooked
smile at him and edged forward between
the tables. She held out her hand with,
“Well, after all these years, if it isn't Mr.
Swinburne! And what have you been do-
ing with yourself all this time? Medicine?”
“Miss Wilcox!” he said and shook her
hand. “You will join me in a drink?”

She gave him her sly smile, took the
proffered chair and let silence fall be-
tween them as she slowly removed her
gloves finger tip by finger He as
slowly extracted a cigarette and lit it. At

“Listen, Blitzen, by now you guys know
the routine, so go on and cover Oklahoma, Arkansas,
and maybe Texas without me.”

their first far-off meeting, when he had
taken her to be an ingenuous miss of
about 20, he had been struck by this
same air of assurance. They both asked
simultancously, “Do you often come
here?" and chuckled into a fresh silence
which she quickly took hold of with “I
have been told that some gentlemen
have their pet pubs. Is this one of yours.
Mr. Swinburne?

Two seconds’ silence during which he
wondered if it were onc of hers,

“I have no pet pub. I used to come
here years ago to meet a girl I used to
know

“What happened to her?"

“She just disappeared.” The bar cu-
rate stood silently beside them. "Your
usual, Miss Wilcox? A dry martini?
Make it two. On the rocks.”

“Nice of you to remember my favorite
drinl Swinburne.”

"| have a good memory. When you
stood in that doorway just now, you re-
ad.

minded me very much of my fri
Oddly enough. she also liked a dry mar-
you, she was tall, dark and

She
deprecate the compliment, smiled to

lowered her hi

sideways to

accept

“This is odd. When I saw you just
now, you reminded me of а man I first
met in this bar several years ago. I have
not seen him for а long time. He, as you
say. disappeared.”

What happened to him?"

Three seconds’ pause.

“I have wondered. My friends and I
have never been able to agree about
what happens to make people disappear.”

"Your friends?”

Four seconds’ pause, during which she
slowly turned her head to look toward a
large round table, in an alcove that he
had not previously noted, occupied by
five or six women of varying ages. They
were all looking her way. Her left wrist
lifted her palm an inch to grect them.
Her chin nodded an unspoken agree-
ment. She turned back to him.

“My friends.”

“Your bridge club?”

Five seconds’ pause.

"I never play bridge. But we are a
club. All married, all botched, all of us
working now in the Irish Sweep. We
came together by chance. Last summer, 1
got chatting with Mrs. Aitch, that is the
jolly fat woman in the orange head scarf
with her back to us. Angela Hanafey.
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is, always will be an AA case. She has
four sons. all but one grown up. She just
happened to be walking beside me one
evening when we were pouring in our
hundreds out of the Sweepstakes offices
at five o'clock. We had never laid eyes
on each other before. "Cod! she said to
me. ‘I'm starved for a drink. Come and

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PLAYBOY

274

have a quick one on me at the Horse
shoc.' We met Mrs. King there. She's the
slim, handsome blonde; don't let her
see you looking. She is still bitter of her
cx. He left her holding three children
and slid off to get lost somewhere in
England with a slut of seventeen. It was
she brought along Kit Ferriter, the baby
of the bunch, six months married and
glad to be living alone again in her
virginal bed-sit. Kit studied sociology for
three years at Trinity. She says she
learned far more about it in six months
of marriage. Three or four others drop
in and out. All sorts. One is married to
an army captain who batters her. An-
other to a briefless barrister. Mrs. Aitch
calls us the Missusmatched. Monday is
club night. No other rules. No premises."

"And you talk about inen and sex and
marriage."

“Sex? Never. Men? No. Marriage?
Occasionally. Not as ап important sub-
ject. We mostly talk about woman
things. Food, cooking, dress, make-up,
kids, the cost of living, our jobs, nothing
in particular.”

"And in your club's view, why do
those marrieds have this odd way of
disappearing?”

"Why?

Her eyebrows threw a shrug over her
left shoulder. Her eyelids lowered a cur-
tain on the shrug. The corners of her

mouth buttoned it down. She leaned
back to consider either the question or
him. When she tinkled the ice in her
glass, it sounded like his idea of Swiss
cowbells in faro valleys. When she
laughed her contralto laugh, it hurt him
that he had not heard it for a long, long
tim

Yes, why?”

“Why? We solved that months ago,
when we invented the Seven Cs. Every
marriage, we decided, sinks or swims on
any three of"—right finger on left
thumb checked them off—“Concupis-
cence, Comradeship, Contact, Kids,
high or low Cunning and not to
tinker's Curse about everything in gen-
eval and anything in particular.

“Ye have left out Love!

“Mrs. Aitch, our mother hen, dealt
ably with that. ‘I made а fatal mistake,"
says she, ‘with my fellow. 1 led him to
think I was the reincarnation of the
Blessed Virgin. On our honeymoon, I
got a sudden, terrible thirst for tange-
rines. Afterward, we both found out, too
late, that pregnant women get these odd
hungers. He would have done anything
for me, of course, on our honeymoon.
He went to a power of trouble to get me
the tangerines, but get them he did!
When we were back home, I got a sud-
den wish for apricots. He rumbled and
bumbled about it, but still and all, the

“ГІ say he's a smart lawyer—got three
ex-wives paying him alimony!”

poor devil did get me the apricots. A
month later, I got an unquenchable
longing for nothing less than wild straw-
berries. Well, by that time, I had a belly
on me like a major. He told me to go to
hell and find out for myself where any-
one could find wild strawberries in the
month of November and I knew at once
that my dear love had vanished from
the earth as if the fairies had got him."
Kit Ferriter, our expert on sociology,
told her she was lucky that he didn’t
batter the other fellow's baby out of her.
‘The dear child insists that Love, wl
you say we have omitted from our Seven
Cs, is а massinvented. delusion with a
life expectancy of three weeks.”

She rose, holding out her hand. “Nice
meeting you again, Mr. Swinburne. It
was very pleasant. Now I must join my
friends.”

He held her hand pleadingly. "Can't
we meet again? Say next Monday night.
Just for a quick drink?"

She looked around the rooms, said,
indifferently, “All right,” and joined her
welcoming group. As he walked out, he
heard behind him again her miraculous
laughter.

Back home, he kicked aside the eve-
ning paper, switched on his fire, sank
into his armchair and fell into a stunned
sleep. In the morning, the only time
either of them spoke over their break-
fastette in their kitchenette across their
hinged tablette was when she said. “May
I have some marmalade, please? . . .
"Thank you." On their way into town to
work, he as always driving, he did say
that next Monday night he would һе, as
usual, at his art class and she with an
air of slight surprise replied that she
would, of course, as usual be playing
bridge with her friends.

Accordingly, on the following Monday
night, she again left home before him to
walk to the bus, and he, after taut calcu-
lations, followed her in time to be in
the Long Bar before her arrival, seated
facing the glass doors. Now and again,
he glanced furtively toward the women’s
table in the alcove to his far left. His
jury? His judges? His amused witnesses?
Again, after two slowly sipped drinks,
he jumped to his feet between rage and
regret just as she appeared in the door-
way. For a moment, she stood there
motionless, then slowly descended to the
level of the bar, edging between the ta-
bles toward him with "So we meet again,
Mr. Swinburne," sat, began calmly to
deglove. Of the precious ten minutes she
allowed him that night, he could after-
ward recall clearly only one sequence,
which he initiated:

Did they ask if we were related?"

“No. And I did not vouchsafe. You
could be only one of two thing:

He worked it out.

“Or I could be a new friend;

CAREER
CLUB 2,

PLAYBOY

276

Here? So briefly
Did they say nothing at all about m
"Mrs. King said. “Не looks like a
priest, all in blac I
said that the first time I met you seven
years ago, here, you were dressed in the
colors of the rainbow. 1 left them guess-
ing. I said, "Maybe hc has become a
priest since then." " Ten seconds’ silence,
looking at cach other. She swallowed her
last piece of ice, put down her glass
smartly, picked up her gloves and hand-
bag, rose, said, “Have you?" and turned
lo go.

He winced but held her 1
for next Monday. He pleaded for it.
They had talked so very little, “And I
have nowhere else to go.”

“Except,” she said sympathetically
pack? All right. Then they will know
and left him for her beaming friends.

In this fashion, he continued to meet
her every week into the first green prom-
ises of spring, until by carly May these
extemporancous meetings took on the
dieracter of regular assignations and,
since they were never mentioned at
home. the clandestine air of a double
life. He looked forward to these encoun-
ters more and more eagerly
he lived for them, suspected that she
enjoyed them equally, noted with excite-
ment that they extended themselves on
occasion to 15 minutes, even to nearly
d on onc memorable night
10 fully 25 minutes, this being the night
when he asked for her opinion as to
which of her club's Seven Cs of marriage
was the most important of all. She a
swered promptly,

“The first three, of course. Concupis-

even to the hat.

nd to beg

As we say,

cence, Comradeship and Contact. Some
people think Comradeship comes first,

but that Con disgi ng itself a
от. Kids inevitably follow. Then Cash

nd mor
ng. But on all
the need

I. Then mor
high Cunn
there

edges forw
need arises f
occasions thereafter,

for not caring a damn, for the indilfer-
ence of a divorce-court judge.

Naturally, they started to argue, and
they might have gone on arguing if she
ad not suddenly become aware of ra
tions of impatience from across the room.

The next morning, she said, "May I
have the marmalade, please? Thank
you.” But then, as lightly as she pasted
the preserve on her toast, she added,

By the way, 1 understood you to say
some time ago that your art class meets
twice a week. My bridge club is propos-
ing to meet on Mondays and Fridays.”
He at once decided that their relations
had completely changed.

On that following Friday, the women’
alcove contained only two elderly men
drinking stout. His chest swelled with
imph. She arrived on time. Unasked.
he clicked his fingers for the bar atrend-
ant and ordered their drinks. Presently,
he observed with a tolerant amusement
at the transparency of the feminine
mind that the conversation had returned
to last Monday's question about thc
ings of fel-
lowship or of desire, to which she re-
ferred as “passion” and rather brazenly
(he thought) as "lust." In the course of
their conversation, she said:

‘Of course, in all this, one should first
agree about the general principle of the
thing. | mean, is it not all largely a

"Goddamn it, Tim, you said this was
a bring your own’ party!”

question of what in life опе most be-
lieves in? In poetry or in prose? 1
happen to sce the world as a complex
of things beyond all understanding. fa

too bewildering to be confined or
fined by human laws or rules, shalls and
shalt nots. 1 look at it all as a miracle

and a mystery, a place of beauty and
horror, tree in bud, a
dead child, a husband dying of cance

Mrs. Aitch's boozy hu
way, and she has fallen
ара louery like the
chance, fate, the gods, God. the Madon-
love, lust, passion, a baby at the
breast. Everything is one thing. That is
why I love to have flowers for the
Madonna who had a baby, miraculously
cording to you, not that it matters how
she had it, why 1 rise in the morning for
the first dark Mass, where they celebrate
gain the execution of a god. or of God,
not that that matters cither, why I like
to go in the evening lor the last benedic-
the dark night, why 1 let
that friend of mine whom I loved years
ago go to bed with me because I thought
he saw life the way I do, a poem that
read and that nobody can

Staring at her, taken again by her
passion, yes, he could remember those
wild talks during that year of blissful
agony before. . .

Alas!" she smiled her h
“When we got married, he c
Looking at him then, I was oft
inded of the marvelous thing
once said about the greatest quali
human being can possess—the power 10
live in wonder and uncertainty, mystery
and doubt, without ever reaching out
after fact and reason. My friend turned
ош to be a man always looking for fact
and reason, a lawmaker, a lawgiver, a
law explainer, a policeman, a judge, a
prosemam, a prosy priest longing for
his pulpit.”

The bar's chatter, rumble, clinking,
Ik, laughing stopped dead. Silence.
Then:

“Did you never consider, Miss Wilcox,
that this friend of yours may nevertheless
have once dearly loved you?"

She pounced.

“Once? Yes. Once! One night in my
aunt's house gh while she w
on holid. y Cork with her
sister. For a whole year after tl
my wild love
ound in his head
son. L"

sinile.

and
п search of fact and
she smiled crookedly, “was
left waiting for

Unguardedl;
4, said,

wande

ore of the poetry
he laid a h
el that
ed, withdrew. There was a s
ing silence. Then she looked at the сей-
10 a plane
‚ looked at him once
hed back her cuff from her

1 on her

saw he had

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PLAYBOY

278

wristlet watch h her
seized her bag and rose.
“You have reminded me, Mr. Sw
burne. I promised my Auntie Nan to
keep an eye on her liule house іп Rane-
lagh while she is gone to Derbyshire to
stay with а niece. Would you mind leay-
ing me there on your way hom:
He threw up his palms. Outside, it was
raining. They did not speak in the
s of his homburg
lap. When. they
arrived outside the ae red-brick house,
he offered Miss Wilcox to wait and drive
her to wherever she lived, it was no
night lor busing, she had no hope of
getting а taxi. She said that that would
be most kind of him, “But do come in!
This is real rain,” and clapped his black
hat comically on her head and п
through the rain beside the newmown
patch of grass. He was relieved to sec her
hing gaily at him as he also ran,
hatless and stooped, through the rain.
She left him in the parlor while she went
olf to do her checking, room by room.
He could recognize only two items in
the parlor: the aquatint of Christ with
the Samaritan woman at the well,
frame painted in ugly commercial gilt
(his mind clicked, “They shall not thirst
anymore"). and the corded old sofa
where he had put his arms around her
for the first time. He heard her steps on
m overhead. The photograph
n on the mantelpiece.
at relative? He went into the kitchen,
aunt’s kingdom, An antique iron
пре. А stonew ink. A crucifi
He wandered to the stairs.

ndex finger,

On its alls, lithographs of cas
iles. He identified Ross Castle in Killar-
ney. Then Blarney Castle in Cork. He

paused longest at Reginald's Tower in
Waterford, still secing that corded sofa
in the parlor, It had been raining that
night. too. That, too, had been M
Through a litle shower they had
for the door.

rom the front bedroom, she called
him. Ir. Ess?" When he reached the
halfopen door. he saw through the vert
cal aperture between the paneled door
and its n object that he recalled
clearly, and. with emotion, a tall mirror
so mounted on its mahogany frame as to
be able to tilt fc d or kward. In
this cheval mirror. he had, that first
night, first seen her completely un-
dressed. Now, modestly undressed, in
black bikini and black brassiere. she
smiling into the mirror in the direction
of the slowly opening door. He entered,

became aware that she was deliberately
modeling female allurement, his hat
tilted on her head, one wrist back-
twisted on her left hip, right knee foi

ward, the other hand airily held aloft

“Well vited h
with her ile. "Do you really
still love me?’

2" she

minx's sn

Between incomprehension and revel
lsion, passion and
; he gestured wildly around the

k and
nd white

tion, desire, and re
desp:
room. Over the bed head in
ite, Pope Pius X in black
stared like an intolerant boy from under
black eyebrows. His mind clicked:
;iuseppe Sarto, that bitter antimodern-
ist. By the bed on the wall, a holy-wat
font. Last thing before sleep. His mind
clicked: daring semir joke—Here 1
lay me down to sleep, upon my little
bed; but if I dic before 1 wake, how will
1 know that | am dead? On the dressing
table, ny Infant of Prague, gaudy,

м!

т do still
love you. But not this way! Not here!
Where everything smells of spinsters and.

She turned to him. She handed him
back his black hat. He was prepared for
her to spit that there is no other way: o
“This room was once

р
heaven to
1E she had said that, he would have
Yes! But then | was defying it,

you.
said,
now | would be accepting iL" Or she
might in a sad memory of lost hope say
nothing, She said not! ıe looked
from his eyes to his feet, and. from his
feet up to his eyes, and with one fast
swing ol her fist, she crashed him across
the lace. Her engagement ring drew a
red line in blood across his jaw. He
returned the blow, they grappled, sway-
ing and stumbling, so g hüch and
bastard, fell across the bed, he
nails tore at his face until he found hi
sell mastering her on her
suddenly she was
mouth and gro:
"Give it to me.

whe

nd
ering

back

Whether it was the mo
u
face or the boom of
off [rom Dublin, or the sound of a neigh-
boring church bell that woke him, he
found himself siting up in bed startled,
bewildered until he was cılmed
informed by
back and her voice soothing hi
“It is all right, Swinny! This is $
Neither of us has to wor
ba
membered, turned his head toward her
face on her palm on her pillow watching
him quizzically. Beyond her on the floor,
he saw his homburg hat battered flat.

he announced. queru-

ough the window
plane just ta

He sank
on the pillow, dosed his eyes, re

“Love always does that.”
Always?
“Can we have break it
“Here? There's nothing in this house.
о bread, milk, butter. Nothing. Water
nd power turned off. No sh
shower. Where do you live, Sw
have brekker in your place."
At this inane question, his eyes wid-

Ed

ve, no
ny? Let's

ened. His lips tightened. He could say.
“What the hell is this game you are

k and tired of this
more are we going

nd mouse?” He
Iybrack. Half

or, “Tam si
“How lon;

Re parts of cat

Hive n

toa
aid sourly,

an hour
While they were hurrying into their
clothes, she rudely toed his black hat
with, "You might as well throw that out.”
He lifted it, dusted it affections
punched it, said, “One never know:
and put it on, “Hadn't we better m
the bed?” he asked in his disciplined wi
She waved She won't be b
for a week: ГИ drop in someday."
He held her wrist when she was un
locking the street door. “The neighbor
She ushered him out. “You
man come to measure the mete
He took the six-lane Bray Ri
murmured, “I am still sleepy
leaned back her head and closed her
eyes. The morning t
inward on his right. His өшін
empty. He would be home in 20 min

a paw

re the gas

utes. He pondered the coming contron-

Home, she silently prepared breakfast
while he showered and shaved. phrasing
his ultimatum to his mirror. His cheek
received a slim strip of plaster. Back in
the kitchen, he found a changeling who
spoke silently. as all long-marrieds can,
enoring words, hearing thoughts, inte
preting silence, speaking runes. He sat
able and waited lor it, Нег өре
palm politely indicated his dish of mar
His belly went red with rage.
He accepted the challenge. He withheld
his marmalade. She looked at him mild-
ly. He yielded the dish and waited.
Slowly and seductively, she stroked his
de to and fro. Do come a little
arly. Before the others. My aunt will
not be home until Saturday. He was
almost certain that the extreme corm
of her upper lip stirred. A speck of
marmalade clung to her cheek
her look
palms, gra
veyed his favorite dish of baci
tomatoes, poured himself coffee, f
hearty breakfast. But wait! Hold it! Hall
а sec! This wı 2 His fists closed like
castles on either side of his breakfast.
Who is she? My wile? Somebody else's?
Nobody's? Is she a bit cra
mean all t

and

y? Does she
? His memory clicked. Who

said “Love is a mood to a man, to a
woman life or death"? It was Ella
Wheeler Wilcox! Without raising her

eyes or ceasing to munch her toast, she
slowly pushed the marmalade back to
him. He considered the move, and her
The snippet of marmalade kept seduc-
tively moving up and down. Pensively,
he plastered his toast, began to eat and
cat his fill. She watched him impassivel

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281

PLAYBOY

282

(continued from page 260)

“Actress/model Lauren Hutton was a Bunny in our
New York Club; so was Blondie's Deborah Harry.”

Paul Harvey heard of the game plan, he
hulled ov nation’s airwaves that
Bunnies were unfit company for such an
endeavor, Retorted Gary Post-Tribune
columnist Oliver Starr, Jr: "It seems to
me that а group of girls who want to
give their time to help out a paraplegic
boy cant be all bad (in fact, on close
inspection, 1 can say they aren't halt
1."

Harvey's quibbles notwithstanding.
game was held and some 52000 r

the

to equip the Brock home so that Ti
could be released from the hospital.

Some of the anti-Bunny business has,
over the years, been more troublesome.
New York's Playboy Club opencd
doors in 1962, but not without problems.
‘The city’s license commissioner a
point refused to gi
license because he objected to its "scant-
ily clad waitresses.” His decision was
overruled by New York State Supreme
Court Justice Arthur Klein, who de-
dared in a ruling remarkably free of
legalese: "It is not incumbent upon the
petitioner to dress its female employees
in middy blouses, gymnasium bloomers,

turtleneck sweaters, fishern
or ankle-length overcoats.
When petitioning to open Playboy of
Boston in 1963, Club executives took a
Bunny from New York along with them
to show just what Bunnies would be
wearing on Beantown's Park Square.
seraldine Doherty, 19, was a local girl
and a graduate of Our Lady of Present:
m High School, but that cut по ice
with the Boston Licensing Board. When
Bunny Geraldine opened her raincoat,
board member Timothy Tobin turned
s face to the wall for the remainder of
the proceedings. The vote went against
Playboy, prompting a cartoonist for The
Boston Herald to draw a waitress garbed
in fur from head to toe, complete with
ail larger than she, captioned: “Rumor
ath it a new key club will open here
with waitresses costumed in the seemly
manner of Boston Common squirrels.”
Some three years later, Playboy of Bos-
ton finally opened its doors. Meanwhile,
paigns in

n's hip boots

there had been anti-Bunny
Әсиой and San The later
city’s police chief, Thomas Cahill, told
the press that he was “concerned about a

Francine,

club with flimsily dressed girls operating

behind closed doors. The police couldn't
get easy access to check the action."
Whereupon columnist Jim Elliott

pointed out that police carrying proper
ion would have no problem
the Club: "so maybe Chiet
Cahill is not so worried about getting
lus officers in as he is about getting them
back out.

The best retort to all such criticism
was voiced by Candy Humphries
D'Amato, an cx-Bunny turned real-estate
broker. Interviewed at a Bunny reunion
some years later by Dick Roraback of the
Los Angeles Times, she said: “1 think
every woman's secret desire is to try on a
Bunny suit, but they're just not liberated
enough. Yes, liber It wasn't the
Bunnies who were being exploited, you
know, not with our incomes. I worked as
a bank teller before 1 became а Bunny,
and IIl tell you what exploitation is. Ex-
ploitation is working for 5250 a month."

Even in the early Sixties, when the
average working woman was lucky to
take home hal that amount. a. Bunny
often made $250 a week. Money has al-
ways been a major factor in Bunny re-
So have the job’s flexible
hours, which facilitate scheduling col-
lege c у a Bunny has earned a
degree by day through table-hopping at
night—modeling jobs, even child car
Some of those children, incidentally,
have grown up to be Bunnies themselves.

са.

ter Elise worked in the New York Club;
Gre: Gorge Bunny Moth Sandra
Schiffer, herself an ex-Bunny, has а
daughter who works as а cottontail at
the resort during vacations from college.
London Bunny Jade Lawrence's daugh-
ter Tracey joined her in uniform at the
Park Lane hutch this y

Chicago Club, both Bunnie
Goodwin and Venice Kong are the
daughters of former cott Hclen

Goodwin and Barbai

Ranking right up there with econom-
ics and convenience in attracting young
women to Bunnydom is the opportunity
to rub elbows with celebritics—or to
become one. More than 100 Bunnies
have been featured as ті лувоу Playmates,
for starters. Actress/model Law
ton was a Bunny in our New York Club:
so was Blondie's Deborah Harry
Sullivan, star of ABC-TV's new. series
105 a Living, spent ui Ts at our
Club on Manhatan's East 59h Street
before landing such plum TV roles as
that of Peter Strauss’s lawyer girlfriend
in Rich Man, Poor Man and the title
role in Julie Farr, M.D. Susan, who used
to surprise keyholders by quoting Shake-
speare, expressed fond memories of

а Anderson

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Playboy to Bob Newhart when he inter-
viewed her earlier this year during a
stint as guest host for Johnny Carson.
“They made you feel you were very, very
special,” she said, “trained you to think
that you were a godde
nother Gotham Bunny, Jack

Ze-

then moved to the West Coast and a role
as the soap-opera siren Bobbie Spencer
of General Hospital. Los Angeles Bunny
Lynne Moody played Alex Haley's great-
series,
while on the big screen, her fellow
Angeleno Maria Richwine was Buddy
wile in The Buddy Holly Story.
Cleveland, the blonde regular of the
; Python troupe, was а London
New York Bunny Gloria Hendry
got the chance to bed James Bond
(Roger Moore) in Live and Let Die; she
also appeared in Black Belt Jones, Black
Caesar and Hil. Man. More recently,

Night of the
in. Among other
re

LA's Joyce Williams, Апагене Wil
as, Wini Winston, Syleste Michaels
and Chere Bryson.

Playmare-Bunnies have often sta
spangled the screen. Chi
August 1064) played the title role
Woody Allen spoof Whal's Up Tiger

Lily? Miss December 1968. Cynthia
Myers, and Miss May 1966. Dolly Read,
both starred in Russ Mi lighthearted

cult classic. Beyond the Valley of the
Dolls. Sharon. Clark, the 1971. Pla
of the Yı who became a Los Angeles
. won plaudits for her starring
Lifeguard a couple of y
nother centerfold cottontail, New Or-
Misch (Miss February 1975),
s been seen in Mandingo, Hard Times
French Quarter; L.A/s.— Astrid
Schulz, Miss September 1964, had a role
in A House Is Not a Home.

Latest of the gatelold/Bunny sister-
hood to gain stardom was 1980 Playmate
of the Year Dorothy Straten, whose ca-
reer was tragically cut short last summer:
she starred іп Galaxina and in Peter
Bogdanovich’s yettobereleased They
All Laughed, alter having made her film
debut, in Americathon, as a Bı

In the celebrity-cottontail
feminist leader € Steiner
a special niche. Back in 1963, on assign-
sing the
she signed up for
ew York Club,
r weeks there—and wrote what
ly intended to be a lurid ex-
post for that magazine. A Bunny's Tale
made Gloria Steinem—and. int ing-
ly. boosted recruiting for the Clubs.
Walters also domed Bunny
ears for a story, but she did it on the up

or

and up: her report appeared on the
Today show in January 1963. Noted
felt pretty awk-
ward, but at least I didn't spill anyth
on the customers. Later, when 1 left
the Club, the doorman asked me if I
wasn't taking off carly. "Well; I replied,
rather grandly, ‘after all, Fm not really а
Bunny—I'm a reporter for the National
Broadcasting Company. ‘Gee,’ he said,
‘you could have fooled me^ And you
know something, Hugh [Downs], I must.
admit that secretly I think 1 was kind
of pleased.”
Until 1975, when they picketed for and
obtained “Bunny Lib," Bunnies wi
not allowed to date the keyholders they
met in the Club. The idea was
rous, perhaps old-fashioned one:
tect the Bunnies Пот hi
Despite the prohibition, though,
ber of them not only dated but m
celebrities. СІ Lec, who as tr
Bunny in a half-dozen Clubs put hun-
dreds of prospect Is through
their paces, wed comic Mort Sahl; Dolly
Read. girls sent over from
Britain to train. as the nucleus of our
London couontail corps, is now the wile
of comedian Dick (Laugh-In) Martin;
both are popular how guests.

e couont

one of six

мит,

Los Angeles Bunny
daughter of produ
ut Scott Carpent
and September

. Christa Speck, a
1961

Krofft, who got his start as а риррегес
and most recently brought Middle Age
Crazy to the screen. Sara Lownds Dylan,
Bob’ was a Bunny: singer Buddy
Greco's wife, Jackie Sabatino, was a St.
Louis Bunny of the Year. And the former
bad boy of tennis, Jimmy Connors, at-
tributes his present, more sedate lifestyle
to the support of his wile (and mother of
his child), St. Louis Bunny Patti ^
Guire, our Playmate ol the Year lor 1977.
e have moved on into
successful business carecrs, too, often
aking use of the know-how they
learned in the Clubs. Real-estate mogul
Sue Gin. named one of Chicago's ten
most eligible women by the Chicago
Tribune, i nce leav-
ing the Club in
condomin
sions

opened a French provincia
tanrant, even helped organize the
first Do-IT- Yourself Messiah.

Peg n early Chicag
Bunny, parlayed her expertise into
successful training school for cocktail

ron, also

“I do believe yowre right! That little mechanical
elf back in the corner is playing with himself."

285

PLAYBOY

285 Lieutenant Uhura

waitresses in California’s Orange County,
Boston's Beverly Veseleny has been a
detective on that city’s police force for
nearly eight years; since passing the bar
in 1977, she has also become assistant
legal counsel to the Boston police com-
missioner. One of Chicago's first Bunnies,
Carole Martin, now runs, with her hus-

band, Chuck Gold, the stables at
Playboy's Lake Geneva Resort and
Cowntry Club. In the nearby town of

Lake Geneva, Wisconsin, ex Bunny Dana
Montana has executed the ultimate role
reversal: She owns the Sugar Shack. a
night club featuring male go-go dancers.

Male strippers are probably the one
entertainment Playboy Clubs
haven't offered over the years. The mo-
nt the Clubs began expanding beyond
Chicago—lirst to Mi nd Or
; later to other cities, with a current
1 of 19—they began to acquire a
reputation as incabators of talent. As
carly as 1961, a Variety headline pre-
dicted Playboy was about to become the
"BIGGEST VAUDE ad INCE RKO.”

First nationally known tale
his big break at Playboy was comic Dick
Gregory, whose January 1961 appearance
in the Chicago hutch set him on the road
to stardom. Gregory, like Slappy White,
Nipsey Russell, Redd Foxx and George
by, who followed him to the Playboy
circuit, had been limited previously to
working what were then known as
"Negro night clubs." Not too long be-
lore, in Lact, Gregory had been earning
ten dollars a night at the Club Esquire
on Chicago's South Side. His Playboy
debut, which started out to be a one-
night fillin, stretched to a fiveweek
engagement and a Time story that noted
that he was "just getting started on what
y be one of the more significant
n show business."

A check back into Playboy records re-
veals am amazing variety of enterta
who got their start—or at ]
portant career boost—at Playboy. Pro-
fessor Irwin Corey, the World's Foremost
Authority, opened in Chicago in June
1950 and went on to play

form of

t to get

an

most еме

where. Dami lined at the Los
Angeles, New York, Kansas Ci
саво, St. Louis, Detr

Clubs early on, Impressonist Rich Little
booked in Miami in 1964. political
satirist Mark Russell in New Orleans in
1965. Singers Adam Wade, Johnny ]

ütrell and even Billy Dee Wil-
1962

liams (described in a January
Playboy press release as a ^
vocalist" toward the bottom of

ist"
headlined by Homer k Jethro) t
steps to stardom at Playboy.
knows Williams in his latest incarn
risian in The

mpire
Strikes Bach, sequel to Star Wars: few

chelle Nichols, who plays
in both TV and mov-

know that

ie versions of Star Trek, was also a 1961
Playboy attraction. Oddly enough,
Nichelle had played in a short-lived
musical е оп PLAYBOY, Kicks & C
in its firs-night audience was one Hugh
M. Hefner, who immediately booked
Nichols into the Chicago Club.

An item in the February 6, 1961, Bill-
board mentions
lumbia’s recently
thrush, nily having a picnic at Chi
cago's Playboy Club." The same column
reported that the comedy team of Burns
d Carlin was working the Playboy
circuit; George Carlin subsequently left
Jack Burns (himself later to team with
Avery Schreiber) and went off on his own
to new heights of comedy success.

Ronnie Milsap, now celebrated as a
country-and-western star, had just gotten
his first combo together when he signed
to play at the Atlanta. Playboy Club in
1967. “We played everything,” he recalls.
“Jazz, country, blues, classical, Broadway.
T really enjoyed it.” Milsap spent eight
months with Playboy, at Atlanta. and
Lake Geneva, belore settling into the
Nashville groove.

Jn 1971, an unknown comedian, Gabe
plan, appeared as а warm-up act for
singer Morgana King at the Chicago
Playboy Club. Back this year for a spe-
cial ten-day engagement, Kaplan ob-
served: "It's great to be here, tying out
a lot of new things. 1 can't really do this
when 1 play Las Vegas: the people in the
audience won't indulge the creativity

Over the years, as tastes іп enter
tainment have changed, doomsayers
have been predicting the demise of the
Clubs and, with them, the Bunny.

But in the past few years, the Clubs
have started expanding again and seem
on the verge of yet another boom. Bun-
nies now hop in Japan (Tokyo, Sapporo,
a. Nagoya) Manila and San José,
as well as in London, Ports-
nd Manchester, England. Main-
Clubs are located in Chicago.
Cincinnati, Los Angeles, Miami, New
York, Phoenix, Dal id St. Loui
well as at the two resort propert
boy operates a casino in Nassau, and
multimillion-dollar hotel pro-
mo is due to open shortly in

signed

land

and

nter-

project of Pla ayboy
prises, Іше, and the Elsinore Corpora
tion, an affiliate of the Hyatt hotel ch
And the Clubs, both established and
projecied, are getting a look: In
the cabaret rooms, the Cabaret Bunny
elf an important part of the show)
appearing in а new, more fe
rutiled outfit. When it was introduced a
the Los Angeles Club in July of this
the new garb, predictably, pro-
duced oceans of ink around the world.
Sexy," "more alluring,” “can't stop

are new

looking,” proclaimed the press. A. James
Lisak of the Van Nuys, California, Valley
News, wrote: ty might have
worn it to impress Matt Dillon in a set-
ting considerably more amorous than the
Long Branch Saloon.
That doesn't mean the standard cos-
tume is being discontinued, even though
Britain's Prince Charles, among others,
һа led it old-fashioned. Counters
Victor Lownes: “Nobody ever says Mick-
cy Mouse’s costume is out of date, and
our Bunny is as much our symbol
Mickey is Disney's."
a Chicago Bunny since
“I'm surprised how
ed people still are with the Bun-
ny image. When you go on a promotion
in Bunny costume, they treat you like a
little movie

A few women, of course, turn up
feminist noses at Jeri, posing questions
in the “Why are you letting them do

this to you

“I tell
helor's
and I don't have to work as a Bunny,
but I want to. It's a fantasy; it's fun
meet exciting people and I make m
Ten years from now, I'll use my degrees.
Some things never change,” Jeri ob-
serves. “Men are always going to want
to look at pretty girls and women are
going to want to look at them, too. It's
every woman's fantasy to try on the
Bunny suit”

vein.
them I have two degr

Its a chance few women are likely to
get. The Bunny Costume was the first
ever to be registered as a service mark

with the U.S. Patent Office, and its con
struction details are a carefully guarded
secret, Old Bunny Costumes aren't ri
tired, they're shredded. Imitations crop.
up everywhere, at masquerade balls, Hal-
loween parties and amateur th
Gerald Fisher, proprietor of a ihriving
costume shop in rural St. Charles, Ш
nois, says unhesitatingly that a simulated
Bunny getup is his all-time top seller.
Which may explain, in part, why 3000
young women lined up to apply for 250
positions at our Adantic City propert
After 20 years, obviously, the Bunnies
exert much of the same fascination they
always have. Alert lensmen at Epsom
Downs turned away from courtiers and
other notables at 1978's Derby Day to
snap a surprised Queen Elizabeth accept-
ng a daisy from London Bunny Louise
Palmer; early this year, other photogs
rushed to photograph Bunny Louise
greeting Prince Philip at a Sportsmen's
wh charity event with the comment,
“I'm sorry I started your wile the last
time I met her.” Both photos ran all over
the world, an unlikely circumstance if
Miss Palmer had been anything but a
Bunny. In a Bunny's life, that’s not un-
usual. Times change: Bunnies endure.

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PLAYBOY

235

INSIDE KHOMEINI'S IRAN

(continued from page 162)

“For more than six years, 400 members of SAVAK
trained at CIA headquarters at Langley, Virginia.”

perfect English. She apologized that
there weren't more students to greet ти
they were in the other cities where the
hostages had been taken after the res-
id. If they were hiding some of
n the embassy, you couldn't prove

cue
them
it by me. The place was so huge you
could have lost the White House in it.
We talked in the library, which looked
like a classroom. The walls were covered
with pictures of people tortured during
the shah’s regime. The photos, some in
black and white, others in color, were all
taken at the morgue: eyes bulging,
brains exposed, testicles cut, holes in
bodics. Horrible sights. I was told that

was done by the American-trained
SAVAK, which was used to prop up the
shah after his popular support declined.
They showed me documents indi
that between 1961 and 1973 Amer
taxpayers provided more than $1,700,000
in training and equipment for 179 high-
ranking Iranian police officers. And for
more than six years, 400 members of
SAVAK were wained at CLA headquar-
ters at Langley, Virginia.

We discussed my hostage plan, and
Sadegh was surprised that the students.
were so cordial. It was apparently the
first time anyone had told them what to
do with the hostages. I never felt the

hostages were in any danger from the
students, who exhibited по hostility
toward their captives. But the students
sure scemed to want to zap Carter, the
ment.
‘There is a picture in the embassy of
immy Carter as а rat, talking to the
shah, also depicted as a rat, standing оп
a dead body. The Garter rat is grinning

the day hundreds, perhaps thousands,

were killed when government troops
opened fire on antishah demonstra-
tors. Shortly after the carnage, Ca
called the shah and ind
backed him 100 percent. Not
have shocked the students more t
that call. Carter had talked so much
about human rights the students thought.
things had changed.

lt was like blacks mot being disap-
pointed by anything Nixon did but
being extremely hurt by Carter because
they believed in him. To Iranians, hu-
man rights were like L.B.J.’s Great
Society was to blacks. But at no time did
L.B.J. let blacks down like Carter let
the masses of Iranians down.

The students didn't give the impres-
sion that they wanted revenge in taking
the hostages. They just wanted to show
the world—including the Vatican, which
had remained silent—how the Ira
people had been hurt.

SANCTIONS

In November 1979, U.S. longshore-
men began holding wp food shipments
to Iran, and in April 1980, President
Carter called for an embargo on most
shipments to Iran. Well, even though I
read that when I was back home, most
madcin-U.S. products were in abun-
dance when I got here April 20. Win-
sions, Marlboros, Pepsis arc as available
1 the States. Supermarket shelves
are jammed with Sara Lee cakes, frozen
pizzas, Pillsbury fudge-brownic
ion milk, Gerber's baby food—as
s instant grits, a popular item
around Jimmy Carter’s White House.
Laundry detergents, such as Tide, are
hard to find, so people line up to get
them like wealthy ans might
queue up for Havana cigars or caviar

From where 1 sit, it’s no small wonder
our European allies didn't want to co-

vith Carter's call for an em-
ybody knew the U.S. was
shipping to Iran through middlemen in
ird countries, such as Greece and
n government officials told
banned computer parts and
some 66,000 tons of rice from America
have reached these shores through Dubai.

Iranians thought that whole exercise
was a joke. An official told me, “We
wish the sanctions would work. We'd
like to get rid of the Western influence

mix,

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itto your

PLAYBOY

without making our women mad. We'd
love to see the
skirts disappe
in the

stick and the short
as well as the sex novels
Too bad it's not

bookstores.

"The Common Market countries did
agree mot to enter into amy new con-
tracts with Iran, but were not willing to
abort projects in the works prior to the
ssy take-over in November
s undergoing a m "
m. doing the things it couldn't do
the shah w ning the treasury
. Everybody had
been trying to get a piece of the action:
ns have contracts worth three
billion dollars to build a gulf port; the
West Germans are selling steel and dig.
g copper mines to help divert the
economy from its dependence on oil,
which will someday run out; and the
Japanese contractors are Ming a
34-billion-dollar petrochem: plant.
Bids are coming іші y cou
ties to construct. low-income prefabr
cated housing. The British auto firm
‘Talbot, formerly a Chrysler subsidiary
lias а 5300,000.000 order for car kits.

Bur the U.S. had its own econom
plan lor Iran, as outlined іп embassy
documents dated June 3, 1979. The re-
port said the first priority was to build
a strong market position, which called
for “considerable and imaginative as
sistance by embassy staff to individual
businessmen.” In addition to
ice, the businessmen could
advance work, appointment
and translation services.
Iranians always stress the U. S. contribu-
tion to the demise of their agricultural
base. The documents stated that U. S.

receive
scheduling

ibusiness would now begin to rebuild
d helped destroy.

1
1t would also supply low
well as ai

So alter we screw up their economy,
we want to grow richer fixing it up.
The U.S. still thinks it will be business
as usual. In some areas, such as the mili
tary, that may be the case, But
Iranians are left with the choice of turn.
ing to the U.S. or going to the Soviet
Union to straighten out the things the
U. $. helped mess up.

псоте housing,

ng.

condi

the

EU

ILITARY

The shah and the U.S. had a great
hustle going. He frittered away billions
of dollars in oil income on fancy military
gets, ma them unnecessary.
shington encouraged this because of
its need to recoup the cost ol imported
further. transform
into its deputy sheriff in the Mic

y of

and to

imeni documents, given to
me by the students, said, “The F-14 Tom-
cat and the four Spruance Class 963

290 destroyers ordered by Iran are more

sop!
used

icated than the versions currently
he of no use
to the Iran nother decade, and
by then they might be obsolete.”

‘The Spruance destroyers were ordered
with

'utomated
far more advanced tl
іп similar 1). ? ver . dr
greed to pay 5796,100,000 for four of
them in 1978. The Е-14 Tomcat fighter,
with U. S. radar-guided Phoenix missiles
and computerized g controls, can
maneuver at more than twice the speed
of sound and can destroy six targets
hin a 100-mile radius at one ume.
Tran doesn't have enough technicians
who know how to use that junk. Their
army is desperate for spare parts, which
the U. S. is now not selling them. What
does the army do then? It goes to Russia
or the other Communist countries to
order new equipment. Sounds like we're

n those installed.

nudging Iran into the Communist camp.
Before the embassy takeover, the
Iranian defense minister proposed sell.

ing the weapons back to the U. S., or at
least calling on some of our military
experts to train the Iran ns.
With the U. $. record in Iran, I shudde
10 think what our response would have

technic:

ge bedfellows, don't

LABOR PANGS

Question; If my family took over
Chicago—which I now paint as a town
totally stacked against us, as Iran was
under the shah—would we want the
same judges. police and administrators

ng our new government? Probably
not. We'd want to get rid of the people
who were feared and hated, such as the
К.К.К. and the Nazi Party. So it was
with all the executions of SAVAK people
and others after the revolution. 1 can't
say I agree with everything I see, but
it's а lot casier to understand by being
he

in
and

Remember the black pride. th
the Sixties? We looked
found we didn't control c
hoods The n ty of the bu
were white, as was the police dep

ment. The only things that we con-
tolled were the negatives, such as
alcohol and drugs, to drag our race

down, It's the same here. This country
was always controlled by the superpow-
took everything out. The
people looked around and saw that all

ers, who

c things are looked at as
weird, and Westerners think this society
is tegrating. But we are actually
witnessing the birth of a new baby. The

baby might grow into Dr
ng, Jr. or into the Ma
ly to say.

Outside my window, about 30,000
people were throwing rocks at one an-
other. It seemed like hundreds were firing
weapons into the air. About 300 people
were injured by bricks and bullets from
nian army troops, who were supposed
to be firing above the heads of the crowd.
Maybe some of those folks were flying.

Th as between the
Shiite and the Sunni Moslem [actions
were few compared with the 700 injured
carlicr in fighting between leftist stu-
dents and right-wing Moslems at Shiraz
University. Some people want to com-
re this to the riots in Miami —to
archy that will bring down the system.
But these are just religious groups fight-
ing among themselves, somewhat like the
Catholics and the Protestants іп North-
ern Ireland.

We look for logic
ic, when we can't make sense of our
own religious dilferences, and we've had
200-ycar start as a nation. We have
churches іш America that have а symbol
of a Jew on the cross but won't even
admit a Jew into the Church. If Jesus
were alive, he would have to leave th
Church, because some people are com-
fortable only with a dead Jew hang
on the cross. Jimmy Carter's Christ
church in Plains made more world-w
news by turi black Christ
than did the religious riots in Iran. Td
зау the Iranians have their problems,
but we have ours, too.

This Moslem fighting may go on until
the new Iran takes shape. Often it
reminds me of a wedding where people
ге throwing bricks instead of rice. But,
a wedding, nobody is ducking. as
bricks don't hurt. [ just don't
nd that, but a lot of people
understand why thousands of

un Luther
a. It's too

n the new Isl:

n't
people would walk up to the shah
say. "Shoot me,” e

That's because Westerners don't. un.
derstand the reverence lor ma

nd

her.

rdom,

MY MAN SADECH

I met Sadegh when T got here, In his
role as deputy general of the
press and minister of foreign guidance,
he had arranged the vi
Reverend Cha
ton and Rock Newman ie
ton. I suppose he got those
of the 15 years he spent
You know, he worked on In
ons in South Dakot
ws how really hip he ìs.
I went to his house once, met his
pregnant wife and his two-and-a-half-
year-old son. We talked about the pos-
sibility of a war between our countries.
They said they knew they could all be

forei

lor me,

n Washing-
gs because

sh

e = Y X d

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PLAYBOY

292 fasting for more than 60 days in th

blown up in two minutes but were pre-
pared to die, (Back to this martyrdom
thing again. T really don't think the
Western mind has looked at it seriously
enough. These folks are for real.)

Sadegh and I went everywhere to-
gether: to meet the imam, to meet the
students holding the hostages, up to the
mountains and even to the Beheshre"
Zahra Cemetery. This cemetery looks like
a Broadway play letting out, there are so
any people coming to v
We used to go up into the Demavend
Mountains to pray. Sadegh really got a
kick out of the idea that I fasted, because
they do a lot of that over here, too. We
used to watch the moon and the stars,
nd laugh at the traffic below. Here, you

сап go through a red light as long as
nothing is coming. Pedestrians don't
wait lor lights, they just walk out into
the street. But 1 always stay on the
curb. 1 can't spi arsi, so 1 might
end up in the hospital. tell

take n . when it was

that needed auention. We'd talk. about
other differences between our two coun-
tries, the people, the things. the prices.
Gas is only 30 cents a gallon over here.
We used to go to the movies. Saw one
flick about how the CIA engineered
the fall of Chile's Salvador Allende, The
movie was one of those banned by
the shah, It’s really wild, though: these
people are watching old films showing
cowboys killing Indians, whites killing
slaves, the Mafia waging war. The masses
of Iranians don't understand that a lot
of that stuff happened a long time ago.

RAMSEY AND PRIDE,

If we succeed in lop pling lum onc
day, he will be judged by what he
has done against my people's econ-
omy and cultural. expression. The
whole world will know of his crimes
— AYATOLLAH KHOMEINI, Мау 9, 1976

nd I thought about

d said in Le Monde
some four years earlier, while still in
exile. Wasnt that prophetiG Ramsey
and the American delegation to the
lvanian-sponsored intern confer-
ence on U.S. involvement in Iran are
all siting in my hotel room and staring

t the window at the U.S. embassy.
k basically repeated to me what he
id said at the conference, that Ameri
should be big enough to apologize for its

ctons in support of the shah, who
caused the death of so many.
1 really think the U.S. needs a revolu-

tion of its o

spiritual revolution.
We are too proud. Pride leads to vanity,
which makes us forget God. We must
learn hu but that does not mean
we have to takea weak position. It means
n the eyes of God, we don't
have to be overbearing. America doesn't
have that problem by herself. Through

nility,

room, I discovered that I have it, too.
But I'm going to do something about my
pride-and-vanity thing.

Our pride reminds me of this story:
During the Revolutionary War, a group
of Color i e piling lumber.

heavy and the squad was
anded. Supervising the work, but
not moving, w sergeant. A plainly
dressed officer

“Why, 1 he re-
plied proudly. k off
his coat and began to help the men w
the lumber. When the work was done, he
put on his coat and started to leave. The
sergeant stopped him and asked, “Who
What is your nam:

The man then stiffened into a salute
and said, “General George Washington

OF stupid, the one with all the pride,
looked ridiculous, and he was. Proud
nd vain e like proud and
people. They always look ridiculous.
Soldiers never become saints. Lets first
look for peace. Pride goes before Ше fall,
and the voice of the cannon is the voice
of God condemning vanity and pride.

men. am the serge

The other n

arc you

nations a

THE NEW IRAN

ny Westerners have pointed to the
decline in oil production as a sign of a
breakdown of Iranian society. Yet that is
actually one of the end. products of the
new Islamic state. During the first half
of 1980. Iran exported only 5.1 billion
dollars worth of oil, as coi
some 15 billion dollars’ worth for
1079. The only reason to keep exports
high is to bank the money for the in-
terest—and, state, Ir
does not believe in interest. On Sunday,
January 14, 1979, the Ay h said on
CBS Face the Nation: ks,
you know, the interest is lorbidden in
Islam, and it is against the interest of
the human bei
the banking system, but not the usury
and interest.”

Iran is two, maybe three or four
societies side by side, and they all clash.
What is Persian and what is Islam, wh
is Iranian and what is Western? АП that
dashing creates some strange results: А
beautiful $30,000,000 race track was
dosed down by the revolution, even
alter a court ruled that it was not against

s an Islamic

ng. We accept the banks,

Islamic law to wager on horses. On the
streets, women are wearing Western
dresses and Western hair styles. Next to

them аге women covered in the tradi-
tional chador.

sinos, prostitution and all other
night life have been banned. The win-
cries have switched from making wine to
making grape juice. Yet others say а
bottle of the best Scotch be bought
on the street for $100. When Khomeini
closed the country's liquor. distilleries,
he created about 1000 whitelightnin’

ic ban, the streets were
from car radios—
ballads, instrumentals and rock. The
h banned much of it, sa
nt music that lifts the spirit, as
ches, music that makes our youth
instead of paralyzing them, music
that helps them care about their coun-
ty.” On the streets now, one hears rev-
olutionary marches; but behind. closed
some still dance and sing the old

Before the mu
filled with music

ng.

ove

dooi

society, Iw
surprised by how many people were
standing on the street, smol
rettes. The Black Muslims I k
in the States don't drink or smoke. They
have been turned from their drug habits.

In building a new Iran. a committee
has been set up to change the names of
streets, schools and colleges to Islam
names. For example. before the revolu-
tion, many of the stores carried English
names, often misspelled, such ye
balloptic” and “General Shook Absorb-
ers.” All of that will be w ped way by
the cultural revolution. There have been
proposals to close the schools for two
years until they сап remove harmful,
evil Western. influences and improve
teaching standards. A medical plan is
also taking shape. It would require all
Iranian doctors to provide free care to
the poor onc day a week, as well as
volunteer their services im an under
developed area of the country one month

Black people should have no trouble
understanding the new Iran or the
Islamic society. There have always been

sanctified folk in the black comm
The Holy Rollers did

t smoke, dance,
drink, wear lipstick or listen to тоска
roll music. Fhe women didn't wear pants
or jewelry. We always thought they were
y. but 1 recently went home to
Louis, and the "crazy оГ Holy Rollers
were the only ones still making it. They
didn't sufer from lung cancer, liver
disease or drug addiction

If America had listened to Malcolm
X, we would all understand Iran. What
bout controlling itself

what Malcolm was saying about co
tolling our neighborhoods. He said
Western society had be
blacks, and Iran
vicious to Iranians.

In any event, B
Rip van Winkle rising fron
sleep. It doesn't know which direction
it’s facing—all it knows is it sees thi
sun. If it is facing East, the sun is rising
and things are getting brighter. If it is
facing West, the sun is setting and things
are getting darker. We will know which
it is in a few minutes,

| vicious to

has been

в

ап seems to me like
а 20y

PIRN

М
ы
S

"A

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PLAYBOY

294

HOLDEN CAULFIELD

(continued [rom page 235)

“My highly recommended head counselor turned out

to be a little too fond of the

Junior Bluebirds.”

reins there at International Tile & Sid-
ing. At the end, after all those years of
ent grooming, Vern was very disap-
pointed to learn that his daughter and I
hated each other, and that Î was going
off to Vermont to start а summer camp,
instead of taking up the old reins there
at LT. & S. when the time came and a

1.
My mother, who passed on suddenly

nd

me time Patty I were
going through the terminal stages of
Modern Life, had left me an old aban-
doned summer Ver-
mont. She'd just inherited it a few years
саг а favorite old uncle or some-
thing I at. She'd gone
there as a gir] and took me there one day
when I was a kid and 1 went nuts over it
or something. 1 remember the baseball
diamond had gone over to weeds. but you

southern

could still see just a trace of where the

e paths had been. It was eerie. 1 liked
ita lot. So, as moms will, Mom remem-
bered and passed it on to me.

That's where D.B. found me two
weeks ago, in fact. The camp idea never
really took, shall we say. Especially the
third amd final year when my highly
recommended head counselor, ап ex-Air
Force captain, turned out to be a little

GIFT
COUNSELOR

too fond of the Junior Bluebirds and
went from tucking them in at night to
ing showers with six or seven at once
fore 1 caught him and had the sicko
tard put away. Messing with kids is
t about the worst thing you can do,

jv
because they don’t know anything ye
everything’s still weird to them, so some-
times they can't tell the difference
between weird and normal. Sometimes 1
Td taken his head off with
shovel instead of calling the sheriff. That
iso the year Rosemary the cook
kept losing her glass eye in the vat of hot
Мам oatmeal, because at that hour

wish that

was

quite as Гази
y. By midseason.
members than campers. You don't want
to hear about it.

But I sort of just stayed on. I gress
mainly because 1 couldn't think ot
good reason to be anywhere else. In the
winter, I lived in one of the cabins I
insulated and put a wood-burning pot-
bellied stove in. I read a lot and worked
on my Thoreau routine. In the summer,
I moved into the barnlike old mess hall,
built of virgin pine years before what my
father always referred to as the Great

“Something for a charmer.”

War. It's a single high vaulted room with
open beams and slanting golden cathe-
dral light twice a day.

I was sitting at one of the old picnic
tables consulting with a woodchuck when
D.B. showed up to rescue me. The wood-
chuck was checking me out on hind legs
from a table on the far side of the room.
I was deep into a quart of Chivas—il
you're going to starve, go in style, I al-
ways say—and was asking the woodchuck
about my school bus. Whether, in his
opinion, they'd taken away my school
bus out of hate or malice. It had to be
one or the other. All last spring, I didn't
ke a salary. for Chrissakes, and
ng for the goddamn gas myself.
fter the North Somerset Village

and OPEC by doing away with my route
through the lower hollow. Not enough
kids to justify the cost. It just happened
that that hollow was where all the poor
white trash lived, with their dead old
Frigidaires and gutted Chevy pickups
belly up in front of their trailers, and
their bony inbred mongrel runni

around all over the place. Where better
> So I volunteered to
keep driving for free and to pay for the
түзей. But alter a while, that was
ntly too strange for the village
g a goddamn Commie ог some

hire

оше

thing would do. And so last month they

came out and took away my school bus.
I'm really avoiding telling about this

like а bastard, aren't 1? I'm really sorry.
Anyway, D.B. somehow got wind that |
was sort of losing it again—probably
from Phocbe, who is not to be trusted,
spite of all her Hippocratic oaths and
cGedos—and came to lure me out to
, where 1 could be Rich
mous, instead of sliding steadily dow
hill. as D.B. so kindly put it, like I'd
been doing in the four or

nd Potatoes, if the old furball hadn't
sed up all nine lives yet. T had to agree
with D.B. that my track record out on my
own did leave something to be desired.
And the woodchuck was out of good
answers regarding hate or malice. So I let
mysell be persuaded by D.B. to leave my
glittering record as Director of Camp
Child Abuse and Freelance Commie
School-Bus Driver behind me, to go west,
unemployed middle-aged man. and begin
lile anew as an Olficial Hoxse Sitter. D.B.
gave me all the same old cheery bullshit
and then reminded me of something 1
hadn't forgotten—namely, that Cassie
was out there in junior college now, and
that she sometimes dropped in unex-
pectedly on Uncle D.B.
б

The truth is, and conniving old D.B
knew it, of course, it was the chance of
seeing her that made up my mind for
me. For reasons I'm not very proud of,
Cassie and I have hardly seen cach other

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After 15 minutes. Flat.

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PLAYBOY

296

or exchanged postcards since I moved
out. I know it's my fault. I mean, I'm the
onc who's supposed to be the adull,
right? But I cant n to cut through
that cool mask she always wears around
me, so I usually end up screaming at her
or crying or fleeing in search of nine
1 is or something else a normal par-
ent really wouldn't do.

So two nights ago, I was housesitting
in D.B.s sunken living room. with a
fireplace you could roast an entire cow
. doing what I usually do when I'm
bored and lonely and depressed —watch-
ing telev ening to a callin t
show on the radio and reading, with a

5

оп,

bottle of Scotch close at hand. Nothing
unusual going on here, officer. Just kcep-
ing my options open.

On television, I was well into the an-
nual Jerry Lewis telethon. By three A.M.
or so, he was getting positively threaten-
ing. He improvised some ditty that went
in part, “You're aggravating a tired guy!"
You know, help these poor twisted kids
or I'll guilt you to death. Then some
creature wearing glasses on a т
nose, who looked incredibly ear
not dead. started ranting about a spe-
cial task force that, when set loose, would
cause a dramatic speed-up in pledges.
Like he Feldherr of the SS branch of

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this charity or something. Lewis, mean-
while, was marching around with a
lollipop in his mouth, short of breath,
sweating, fuzzy around the cyes, moving
right up on no control. I think it’s nice
of him to stage an annual public nervous
breakdown for all of us, and T usually
watch as much as I сап take. Every year 1
hope that this time TI get to see it live
on television when he finally turns into
a lizard once and for all.

The radio was even better. The talk-
show guy was putting down kids who
were repeat callers, He called this “the
tyranny of the finger" and said it ought
to be stopped. Then came a public
service ad that went, "When we lose
a forest, we lose a lot more than meets
the eye. And | oughta know. I'm Ray
Charles.”

Really. You can’t make that
stuff up.

І was reading an organicchemistry
textbook Cassie had evidently left behind.
on her last visit. At least 1 hoped it was
her isit. She'd inscribed her name
in the front, in that large, certain but
somehow delicate script she has, and had
meticulously underlined all the signif
cant data in the first nine pages of the
introduction before the burning flame of
her curiosity was required elsewhere,
never to return. I didn't blame her a bit.
Chemistry used to bore me blind. I don't
think I passed one chem course in any of
those nine dozen schools ] bounced
ihrough before my father finally gave up
on me. But the other night, 1 was fasci-
nated. It turns out chemistry’s funny, for
one thing, although they do their best to
cover it up. They throw around all this
solemn theoretical bullshit about empty
yearning valence rings and dancing clec-
trons tiptoeing through them
for which there is no observable proof,
as far as I can see. They don't really
now why any of this stuff happens,
when you really get down to it. They just
know that it does, Which is pretty lunny,
when you think about it.
ling Cassie's book. I'd just
gotten the pter оп covalent
bonds when I suddenly found myself
crying. I'm always doing stupid shit
like that. L was looking at this diagram
of covalent oxygens and carbons, and
reading about how this double bond is
опе of the strongest there is, and sudden-
ly there were these little wet wrinkled
circles all over the page. I couldn't help
it. Something just hit me. I didn't really
take the crying part very seriously, since
it's been happening a lot lately. But it
did make me think. Covalent bonds.
Who ever had one?

1 tried to drift off to sleep in the chair,
Then I was in that weird twilight zone
that isn’t waking or dreaming. and I was
seeing these ghostly diagrams of covalent
bonds floating in front of me. In them,
I was carbon to the oxygen of Patty and

ind of

into

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297

PLAYBOY

298 board Ju

Cassie and Potatoes. I hate things like
that. And then Potatoes was sitting on my
old desk, and Patty and I were into the
final strangle holds of Modern Life.
Sometimes late at night, when T was
feeling rotten and alone and totally he-
wayed by life, which was most nights
then, Potatoes would jump up on my
desk at the crucial metaphysical moment
and give me a blam? to the forehead with
his own, and then immediately s
purring for all he was worth, Kt t
ated roughly as Hey, shithead, remem-
ber me? Quit feeling so sorry for yourself
nd give me
‘ou want k

'e and understanding? Blam!
And he'd butt me in the forehead

just kidding.

But Potatoes is pretty terri

iginally half of the kitten
nd Potatocs—but thi
and ruined the joke. The year we h:
the summer house near Woodstock—the
final doomed compromise, as it proved.
for Patty and me—Potatoes, after spend-
e young lile inside a duplex
overlooking the park, turned into this
reat fat black-and-white hunter. For me,
red out. The first [ew times,
the merits of
ting him up. Bur he
did it until I learned. This was in his
blood. He was bringing me this parade
of hal€grown rabbits, squirrels, moles,
songbirds, field micc—out of love. He

cat. and that was the way he did
I liked it or not. One
s sitting on the porch and Po-
of the tree line,
ndlebar mus-
e place.
yard long. Potatoes

tache that's wriggling all over t
It was a black snake
5 serenely bringing it on home to me.
Love and death,

1 think 1 fell asleep dreaming about
covalent bonds.

I awoke to ., . well, to be perfect!
ШТ
that

it was an d the dirty
Krauts were bombing the shit out of
New York with V-2 rockets, just as I had
imagined every night when I was 11 or
12.

1 lurched out of the chair before I was
quite awake. I think T was sort of swat-
ling at stray m g Nazis, like a
zombie or something, when 1 finally
realized where I was. The air raid was

udi

D.B.s sttc-ofiheart sound system
turned up to state-oftheart. It sounded
like the World Trade Cemer falling

companied by drams and buzz

dow anyway. were Cassie
looked like the Creature from the Black-

Cassie must have thought at first I was
The Slasher come to get her at last. be-
cause she breathed in to scream. Then,
when she saw it was me. she breathed out
nd began beaming instead, rum-

g toward me with open arms. She
nd a

was wear

g satin running shorts
Tshirt, and I couldn't help noti
bouncing new breasts [c
longer than. was right. They
prised me. 1 was always
she ha

hed how

ston

1 grown up to be one of those
sleek WASPy knockouts who wouldn't
touch me with a stick when I was her age.
Valk about breeding monsters. She isn’t
really like that, but Cassie looks like all
those beautiful boarding sch
who had eyes exclusively for handsome
athletic jerk-olfs like Stradlater,
string beans like me with pimples on the
id nothing clever to

ol bitches

nd not

ends ol our noses

in the clinch.
"Holden! Daddy! Wha
iu doi
€
to——"
"Don't start right in, OK?"
“But words like that
А words. Please?
once? Come and meet Sp
After all my hearts-and-flowers fan-
tasies about how this would be a recon-
ciliation fit for heroic oil paintings, the
last thing I wanted to do was fight with
her. So I let her sort of dı
toward him. While all
pening, the sound system
blaring. We all shouted over it at one
ther like old people going deat who
won't admit it.
"Spike, this is my Lather!
fairly novellooking.

the fuck are

gl

sic, jou know ] don't like you

імен up for

His

called an Iroquois or a tor
the narrow remaining strip of hair was
dyed bright green, He was wearing a
ruddy biker's jacket a

mathan Winters trash bags.
Spike smiled, revealing sev
nd extended a seriously gr
which I accepted and shook with-
on. just to show what a good
d all.

asy hand to

out hesi

Spike said as we
shook. “You got any blow?"
Cassie jumped in, waving a h
the direction of the speakers.
"Isn't this hol? 11% Spike's latest. Base-
He's the dead singer for
. They were on the cover

d in

ment Love!
Bloody H
ol Trouser Press a few months ago.
“Yeah.” Spike grunted contentedly.
scc it?” He started rooting
ious pockets without wait-
swer, volunteering, "We
wed to be Dick Disgusting and the
Forks. But that got a little corny, you
know? Here you go. Maybe you got some
grass, then?

“Wanna

round in

ing for

Spike handed me a piece of paper that
had been folded and unfolded so many
times it looked like the Treasure of the
Sierra Madre тар. It was a magazine
4 been. f

cover, or h

three other endocrine d
cover line shouted: “BLOODY ношу
NXEONIHILIST NEW WAVE SENSATION f^

We're gonna take a swim.”

shouted over what sounded like pygmy
war chants coming from the sound sys-
tem."
But Cassie, don't you want to-
Holden. please. Tomorrow, OK?"
1 had this dream.

"You and Martin Luther King. To-
morrow, all right? You can't just come
bopping into my lile, telling me your
ms, and expect me to drop every
thing and listen. I'm nol the litle дй
you walked away from so you could go
live in the fucking woods. I grew up
without your help, іп case you hadm
noticed

She turned abruptly and dragged Spike
off toward the pool. He gave me a
friendly little wave goodbye. I stood
there while the band played on.

‘The nest part is a litte confused. I
must have sat back down
chair. Then Spike's record. was finally
over and 1 could hear splashing and
laughter outside. And then | couldnt
hear anything. And then 1 could hear
Cassie, breathing more and more heavily
d beginning to moan in what was
de ely not pain. I didn't know what
to do. My little cookie out there with
that slug? What was I, the responsible
modern parent, supposed to do about

in the same

pened, One second 1 was still sitting
the chair, and the next I was lurking
in the shadows on the pool deck, hold-
ing one of those swimming-pool leaf
scoopers—one of those long aluminun
pole things with a big sievelike eye at
one end. Apparently, Fd ripped the
screening out. I don't remember any of
that. But | do remember slipping the
scooper eye over Spike's hes

ad obligingly just raised to commence а

sort of braying. I hooked it under his
chin and yanked him from the soft lock
of Cassie's legs. Then 1 dragged him a

few feet by the neck w
o the pool.
sing. At least until
Cassie began shrieking and Spike started
to show the fi

til he plopped

Tt was wer

st signs of drowning.

In two quick steps, Cassie was diving
ed into the pool after Sp
ly looked f

foot or so

nc

there

in the
acrald plume spreading

deep cnd, а

water spotlight. Cassic hı
lifesaving the sec

d passed junior
id she was old enough,

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239

PLAYBOY

300

nothing flat and towed him unresi

10 the
“Holden, you asshole! You complete

asshole! Help m
This really wasn't going the way 1

1 hoped it might.

rab his shoulders—pull him out!

B

Cassie shoved Spike an inch or so out
of the water on sheer will power or
something, and I reached under his
shoulders and practically threw my back
out tugging him up onto the deck, with
Cassie pushing Irom below.

Then she was knecling over him, first
putting her mouth on his and breathing
imo him. and then pounding on his
chest. She kept doing this until one
punch produced a little spurt of water
out of Spike's mouth, like he was a
fountain starting up. followed by all

ds of horrible coughing and gasping

nd other signs of lile.
Cassie kept kneeling over
he lay there recovering. She
ng and her hair clung to he
cold wet tangle. She was staring at the
concrete between us and sort of wood-
enly repeating, "You asshole. you asshole,
you asshole,” over and over again. Ever
few seconds, another tear would fall
unheeded to her thighs, which were
covered with goose bumps.

T felt rotten. She looked so pathetic.
and she was so right. I've never taken
the gloomy Homeric associations of her
ame very seriously, but she was being
true to her namesake, who used to come
up with all those lousy forecasts no one
wanted to hear but that happened to

him while
was shiva
neck in a

be truc. T was a world-class asshole. Am.
default and years passed, what Cassic
Or even
some of my business, 1
ave the right 10 go
around her boyfriends. But
that was me the asshole, too. 1 don’t
think I had any intention of actually
hurting Spike or anything. What had
just happened supposed to be, I
don't know, some weird kind of Freud-

was none of my bu
was still
exactly
drowning

didn't

joke or something. A comic engrav-
ing: Pop Enraged. Not attempted
murder. Really.

Finally, she looked up at me through
d eyes and said in that same numb,
quict voice, "Will you just go away? Go
love someone else. Pick оп Mom or Po-
tatoes or some total stranger. But leave
те alone for a while, ОҚ?

.

In retrospect, 1 guess it was adding
insult to injury to steal Spike's motor
суйе. But І had to get to the airport
right away. And he was snoozing in my
daughter's arms, so at the time it seemed
like a fair trade. I also borrowed a cou-
ple of credit cards from a bunch D.B.
1 left behind, the better not to bc
robbed and murdered for them by some
wazed peasant in Yucatán.

By the time I figured out how to start
Spike's Harley, it was dawn. I hadn't
been on a motorcycle for about a hu
dred years, and never on a hog like
Spike's, which was decked out with everv-
thing but a Strato Freeze air conditioner.
But 1 got it going and almost killed my-
self only six or seven times before 1 got
the hang of it again.

puck rei

“Marsha, have you lost your mind?

Our lease says “по pets’!

эр»

The next thing I knew, I was stuck
in trafic on the way into 1.А.Х. The
goddamn sun was barely up. and all five
lanes were jammed. Where were all
these people going? Pucrto Valla

One thing | find very depressing is
people who have to wear appli
wear bifocals cleverly disguised as av
glasses, and that’s bad enough. But right
ic in this boat of a Cadillac was
this bald old Dr. Sivana coot with Coke-
bottle bottoms over his eyes and a big
glob of hearing aid above his car, stuck
there like a live escargor that just crawled
out of his brain or something. And in
the lane on the other side of me was this
plain dentaLassistant type іп а plain
Ішсе Japanese gas saver that looked like
a killer bee, and shes got these wires
coming out of her mouth and hooking
around her neck, getting in some valu-
ble extra time on her prizewinning
smileto-be by wearing her retainer in
traffic.

1 guess it also wasn't exactly thought-
ful of me to leave Spike's bike in the
tow-iway zone in front of American
Airlines. But I've always been sort of . ..
impulsive. And I wanted to get to New
York as fast as I could.

At the airline counter, 1 spent about
a week line behind this ratty liule
guy trying to hide his rattiness by wear-
ing this extremely busy suit that looked
like the Battle of the Polyester Hr Tt
made him look ev
could tell he knew it by the way he kept
scratching the back of his head in these
nervous little flurries. I really can't stand
it when you get stuck in line behind a
ratty guy who can't help it

You don't want to hear about the
flight. I sat next to a reborn dog groom-
er who explained at length how her new-
found С n faith applied to her
as they announced
— Those. Magnifi-
cent Men in Their Flying Machines,
ich all sorts of hil
plane crashes.

ator

I had the cab driver let me out at
Phoebe's brownstone on Fast 74th. Т
didn't member il about the 20h

time I rang that she was in Europe for a
month. D.B. had told me. She was t
cling and attending some big convention
n Vienna, where all these psych
were getting together to chitchat x
mental illness and real estate
religious pilgrimages to Fi
or something. Except for Phoebe, I
really don't like psychiatrists. They're a
measure of how lonely we all arc. We
mostly pay them $100 an hour to be our
friends, for Chrissakes, to care about our
problems and give useful advice, just
like good friends do frec if you have any.

It was probably better old Phoebe
wasn't home. She would have found out
what I was up to and tried to talk me
out of it and all. The truth was, I didn't.

rists
bout
nd make
eud's couch.

6 YEARS OLD. IMPORTED IN BOTTLE FROM CANADA BY HIRAM WALKER IMPORTERS INC., DETROIT, MICH. 6.8 PROOF, BLENDED CANADIAN WHISKY. @) 1980

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FIC Report DEC. 73,

“This is certainly your year, Professor. The Nobel Prize and me!”

303

PLAYBOY

304

know exactly what T was up to. And it
was this gorgeous September Monday in
New York. So 1 decided to take а walk

to t out
I headed downtown along thc East
River. On Sutton Place. there was this

classy silver-haired butler in a black uni-
holding a leash tha ched
to a yappy little Lhasa Apso that was
throwing a pedigreed temper tantrum. It
had its stubborn little legs dug into the
sidewalk and it was nof moving. First the

form, was al

butler glanced down at the dog. and
fixing his eyes on the horizon. gave
e leash an abrupt discreet jerk that

crossed the dog's eyes and se

i it flying

a couple of feet
in satist

The butler’s lips curled
tion
T walked almost to the Bowery without

ıt ideas. But I was n

having any 1

nik

if my old bar

my old neighborhood from my be:
days and decided to see
might still be there on Bleecker

1 didn’t have any trouble findiny

1 shaded my eyes and pushed my nose

nst the window, squinting to sec in

to sce if maybe
t still be there.
something

side.
the past m
intact, or

Like I was trying

like that.
The wonder-

dumb
Amazingly. some of it жаз

ful old

rich mal y
carved in curves like smoke
rising, they're still there. But the rest of
it’s been turned into one of those singles
fern bars, all natural wood and hanging

ar and back bar

nouveau

plants. the kind that have been spread
ing unchecked from Sausalito since 1970
or so.

These days it's called Fi

When I worked there, it was
Bleecker Street Tavern. And it
Bleaker. I n. The tourists mostly
had the good sense to stay It was
a quiet joint where assorted artsy locals
and vaguely literary types hung out. Y
know, the bartender was finishing
23rd unpublished. novel. the day dish.
washer was the top-seeded poet at the
€ Bizarre. the all Miles
and Bird and € you d
man? Like, fried shoes!

A to
the place.
boved. depen

The
was,

me

away

u

jukebox w
ltrane. Cool,

gh old momma named Mama ran

and 1 waited tables or bus

g on her mood. It drove
I. There 1

ng tables

my parents right up the w

was. Their son, pushing 30, w
nd walking g like M
nard С. Krebs. I still didn't have all my
weight back from my winter v

around looki:

tion at
With

y hair

the Reservoir back in scenic Kor
d and that patch of g
. | looked like а
My parents had even liked

my һе;

I've had forever 1l used
Q-Tip.
better when I first got into Zen and went

a year all over

around fe
the place.

How could 1 possibly pass
memorial drink at Fing The actual
historic spot where 1 first saw Patty,
crying her eyes out at a table tucked away

meditating

up a

behind a pillar. If I hadn't bought her
that beer. and made the mistake of ask
her what was wrong. I wouldn't be
what? A
more accurately.

nchi new career as .

cot napper, maybe? Or,

a cat burgla

1 went in,
thicker of asp
macraméed twine,
the bar. The place really sent me timc-
trippin Christ, I even re-
membered what she was weai
night. Regulation Bonwir's collegi
uals for then: a short-sleeved madras
blouse that looked like patchwork au
tumn leaves, khaki Bermuda shorts, blue
tennis shoes—yachting shoes, actually
Two hundred percent preppic.

At dosing time, she was still siting
there. watching the same beer go flat. 1
persuaded her to have breakfast with me
at the Night Owl.

“What's wrong?”
blank, like
on asking

“Nothing,” she said finally, and sighed
in this sad resigned way that sounded
Welt

ducking under a dang

agus fern suspended by

and sat at the end of

about. Patty.

that

cis

I kept
she didn’t hear

king. But
I kept

me

somewhere beyond angst, ennui,

schmerz and the complete works of
Sartre. “No shit, D just had Ше wrong
recipe.” she laughed, the way she sighed
before. “The reds and yellows turned
brown!” This time she laughed, like it
was the funniest thing since Harold

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а

PLAYBOY

Lloyd hanging from the clock. “Brown!
"Then she started crying ag;

You don't want to hear about it. No
Camille ог Anna ima, perfectly
modern Patty had simply the
wrong combination of uppers
ers. I found out pretty quickly that Pat-
ty was fairly finely tuned. If you didn't
watch out, she was in the shop a lot.
‘There was a party over at some loft on
t. Mark’ x. 1 didn't really feel like
going, but I wanted an excuse to hang
around with her awhile longer. Don't
sk me why. I guess the truth is I've
always been a sucker for difficult girls.
Or at least was then.

‘There must have been 100 people
there, and all of them were alert. Some-
body had а bunch of this latest wrinkle
in speed and was passing it around. It
came in little glass vials, like sterco-
1. Patty

recog;
pride of Abbott Labs.

In spite of Patty's encouragement, I

any. Even then my favorite

drugs were Scotch and soda, And ciga-

renes, I'm very boring where drugs are

concerned. Patty, on the other hand,

regarded it as duty to wy
anything new that came along. You
should | her а few years later,
the eleqricalbanana period,
smoking Pall Malls through hollowed-
out bell peppers and looking around to
see if God had shown up yet. So, nat-
urally, Patty had to wy some of the
Desoxy

For the next couple of hours, she got
going on her complete autobiography.
meals included. Everybody around us
was talking a mile a minute. solving
deep universal questions all over the
place. An incredible din of insight and
wisdom. What Patty was telling me was
fascinating and all, but finally I had to
go to the john. Which took a while,
since there was only onc john, with no
light in it.

When I got back, Patty was sitting on
the floor with a few other people, listen-
ing to this skinny kid perched on

pple crate. He was singing and playi
an acoustic gui id had a wire œn-
traption around his neck that held a
harmonica in front of his mouth, so he
could dive at it like а scal whenever he
felt the need. He was wearing а black-
corduroy railroad cap, a washed-out
k Я
desert box
ly into a slight smirk.

He was going on about trying to get
his baby to follow him down somewhere,
I thought he was awful, but Patty was
loving it. When he finished, she started
clapping like mad and rushed up to him.
Phat was a gas! Who are you
1 Bill Cody and Pecos Pete.

" He

305 grinned.

"Cool" cooed Patty, сус» aglow, be-
stowing her highest compliment. "Do
you know Dink's Blues?”

He sang a phrase or two.

“If 1 had wings, like Noah's dove, I'd
Йу away, to the one 1 love”

Then he broke off and said to Patty,
‘Lemme play you somethin’ new I'm
Ies a little dif-fornt.
d his guitar a couple of
times to get rolling.

“ ‘Landlords and discords, sad Madon-
nas of the parking lots. . . .'"

Do I need to tell you who Patty went
home with? Goddamn musicians. I didn't
sce Patty for a month, except for once
on Macdougal. They were walking down
the middle of the street together and
Patty was clinging like blissful ivy to his
rm. Then, finally, she wandered into
"Ihe Bleecker messed up again, after he
dumped her. The star-crossed beginning
of Patty and me.

.
"Sir, can I get you anything?"

1 don't know how long I'd been sitting
there when this cute young barmaid
seemed to mater ге in front of me be-
hind the bar. Freckles everywhere, huge
luminous Bambi eyes, а shining fuzzy
halo of copper curls. She was wearing
one of those gauzy peasant blouses made
of feed sacks from India. She looked
barely old enough to be serving drinks.
More like Little Orphan Annie.

‘Can I ge! you anything?"
"Chivas and soda, please."
ing up."
When she сате back with the drink,

she put nt of me, saying, "You're
a Іше old for this kinda place,
aren'tcha?

“I probably always was," I s What

kind ol place?”

“Oh, you know. Whatcher sign? Alfalfa
sprouts. Disco roller skates. Like that.
The mustaches change, but the conver-
sation stays the same. It's boring. And I
know boring, I grew up in Cleveland.
Cleveland Heights, actually." She batted
her Bambi eyelashes a couple of times
and, when I didn't say anything, went
right on. “It’s kinda sad, really. You
know that group Paul McCartney was in
before Wings? The Beatles? They had
that song that went, “All the lonely
people, where do they all come from?" 1
don't know where they come from, but
most of them end up here. Can I get you
another oi

.

It must have been—what?—around
four in the morning when I got out of
the cab at the corner of the park near
the Pla т a second there, I almost
went in to take a look at the carrousel
for good luck. But then 1 remembered
the r . got struck
by lightning or something. a couple of
years after my big weekend when 1 was
16. The one there now is a phony.

cal one burned do

So I headed up Fifth along the pin
side.

Have you seen the park lately? Tt looks
e shit. They dredged the south pond
to dean out the mugging victims and
baby carriages, but still it looks filthy
Under the streetlights, the shining muck
looks like the La Brea tar pits. I used to
worry about where the poor lousy ducks
went in the winter. These days you have
to worry about how they're making it
through the summ

I was getting close to our old apart-
ment. 11% near 64th on Fifth, close to
the children’s zoo. There was no way
of telling what I was getting into. Our
partment-goni in onc of those
fancy old stone hip] h electronic
security up the ass, guarded by a wedge-
ped night doorman with steel muscles
and a black belt in every single onc of
the martial arts and crafts. The kids in

the building used to call him Conan.
to never let me

He had specific order
set foot inside the bi
no dummy. She had it written into the
goddamn divorce agreement that Po-
tatoes was legally 100 percent hers, due
to my uncertain character. She even had
her dapper racquetball-champion di-
vorce lawyer inform me that the con-
cept of visitation rights doesn't apply
to lower species. Lower, my ass. But it
meant | had to get past Conan somehow.
ШІ could do that, I still had my old
keys. | told Patty I symbolically tossed
them into the East River during a fit
of depression the day I moved out. I
think she believed me and,
knowing her, it was unlikely that she'd
do anything as dull as having the locks
changed, Ву four AM., she'd either be
up there asleep with her latest admirer
or spending the night elsewhere with
him—probably a musi since
the women. it seems to run in th
Either way, I figured I could quietly
sneak into the apartment, burgle Po-
tatocs and be gone, slick as The Shadow
himself.

But, like life usually is, it wasn't re-
motely what 1 expected.

I decided to case the joint first. I
hunched my shoulders and skulked in-
conspicuously past the camopied сп
trance to the building, darting a furtive
detective glance inside as 1 passed.

And there was no Conan in sight. It
was his night off, or he'd quit to single-
ndedly reinvade Manchuria or some-
thing. The replacement was this Cent
Casting fat old doorman, with a great
tube gut benea Radio City
sort of dozing
Suddenly, this looked

over a newspapei
like a pushover.

Which it was and . Techni-
cally speaking, 1 guess 1 committed
nother felony, which by my count
would be thr the past 24 hours.

This one

breaking and entering, or

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PLAYBOY

308

forced trespass, or one of those other
sexual terms we use for property violated.
Or are they property terms we've appro-
p

1t only we still had old H. L. Mencken
around to straighten these things out for
us. These days, we have to settle for Steve
Allen and Tony Randall.

I cooked up this fancy story for the fat
doorman. How I was Patty's psychi
trist and all, and how when ГА seen her
this afternoon she'd seemed depressed,

ted for 1 never can remember,

sex?

and how 1 now suspected she intended
mit suicide tonight, and
some time ago she'd left me keys
this happened again and all this other
crap. I walked into the lobby as urgently
as 1 could manage. But before I could
say anything, the doorman said, eyes
glued ıo his National. Star, "Partys in
fourteen C. 1 never seen the like. S:

Wrap dresses. Elevator’s self-serve. Over

ho

to со

n case

n

there.” He pointed the way without
taking his eyes off a. picture. of Jackie
Onassis with her skirt blown up to her
neck by the wind

Guess the number of our old apart-
ment. Thats right, М-С, Apparently, 1
was on my way to rob a party.

Inside the elevator, I punched the
14 button.

ought to be

rly interesting, I
on the way up. If I were
smart, ГА bag it for the night, give up.
The second Patty saw me walk into her
party, she'd have every cop in five bor-
g down my throat. She's
a real heavyweight in the grudge-carry-
ing division. Don't get me wrong, I
really love Patty. God knows, she's never
boring. And she'll probably be beautiful
until she alls ng shipboard
shuffleboard whe "s just that

was thinl

over di
"s 95.

Thad my own bad weather to deal with,

and I couldn't always be navigating
through her howling typhoons and tidal
waves and French jazz trumpeters named
Jacques. even though wonderful pot-of-
gold rainbows often followed. To save
түзей, 1 needed a more temperate di-
mate. D always was more boring than
Рапу. I don't think she really cared
when I left, we were that far gone, but
it was this great kick in the teeth (heo-
retirally, you know? Even if you forgot
about all the money, she still couldn't
believe anyone would ever want to leave
her. Especially me. Nobody in his right
mind, etc. She was probably right, but I
had to le yway

жез who's going lo appear au naturel in ‘Cosmopolitan.’ ”

hallway. Loud throbbing music was com
ing from inside. Hol, hol, hot stu-uff,
hot, hot, hot, hol. . . . Apparently, my
ex-wife had entered а new period: Disco
Patty. The people in the hallway w
mostly thin, fashionable young men of
various genders, Several жеге passing
around a liule open brown bottle
marked Locke коом, and then throwing
their heads back costatically, while they
turned beet red and gasped for air. It
looked like a lot of fun.

No one paid any attention to me as I
walked in.

Luckily, Patty was nowhere in sight.
And there was a crowd to hide in. All I
had to figure out was where Potatoes
might also be hiding during all of this.

The fat doorman was right. There
was а woman wearing а Clear-plastic
evening dress with nothing underneath
but her. One dark beautiful girl had
unburdened herselt of everything but
blacksilk stockings topped by flowery
garters and a lacy low-cut bra. She was
dancing with some sleek. Riviera gigolo
type. and as they whirled together, he was
suavely sucking on her armpit, which she
seemed to be enjoying thoroughly. Buck-
cts of Dom Pérignon Brut were placed
strategically about. Dry smears of brie
and caviar crumbs scattered like bird
shot on ravaged silver trays.

The old idea in a brand-new package.
She'd even redecorated. Everything was
white. what they're calling High Tech.
For my money, it's your favorite factory
brought into your home and white-
washed. Industria-surength: molded-p
tic chairs and couches and stray. cubes,
all white. with white-on-white paintings
on the white walls. It looked like the
moon base іп 2001.

I picked up a glass of champagne and
started to mingle, very carefully. But
лу Patty's new incarnation
ought with it a whole new crowd. Not
only didn't I sce her. there wasn't a fa-
miliar face anywhere. D pretended to
casually circulate through the party,
toward my old study. Potatoes used to
like to sleep on my desk at night, curled
around the base of my lamp in the warm
circle of light. He wouldn't be out here
ny where, Pota ways liked a good
party. but he ated. assholes other
than yours truly.

On my way, my wrist was grabbed by
this cadaverous socialite. She had about
$1,000.000 worth of diamonds hanging
from this skinny wrinkled neck like a
Galipagos tortoises. Her dry, withered
lips were painted хоско red in an exag-
gerated kiss-me-quick Cupid's bow

"Help us with an argument, young
Gore here says that Western civi-
ation has always been boring, and
Truman maintains that it hasn't. What
do you say?”

I said ihe first thing that came

1.

m.

nto my
hei

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PLAYBOY

310

“Well, there’s no business like show
bu

And then I walked off, smiling ple
ашу. Finally, I got to the study. But no
No desk or lamp or cha
cither, for that matter. The room was
bare to the floor. Since he was nowhere

Potatoes. ir,

to be found on the first floor, I climbed
the stairs. The door to the master bed-
room was dosed and apparently locked
Some woman was standing there, bang-
ing on it and shouting, “I want my coat!
Гус got to go home|

What she didn't know but 1 did was
that there was a connecting. bathroom
between the master bedroom and a sm
er bedroom next to it And the door to
that one was open. L sort of casually
drifted inside.

L could already hear them before I
opened the һа hroom door. The lights
were out in the john, so I slipped inside
and stood there until my eyes got used to
the dark. The only light was a thin ver-
tical slice where the door to the master
bedroom was just barely ajar. In there,
all the lights appeared to be on, And
among the various slurpings and giggling
and heavy breathings and rhythmic para-
disiacal moans humidifying the air, there
was one I recognized too well

Thad found Patty

And knowing Potatoes’ sense of irony,
га probably found him as well

By slow millimeters, 1 opened the door

just enough so I could see what was
going on. It turned out 1 didn't really
need to bother. Everyone was much too
busy to notice me. It
something. I'd never

really quite

ly seen eight
or ten bodies writhing in a naked pile on
a king-sized bed covered with coats and
mink stoles before.

And Hopped on a dresser observing it
all with great disdain was Potatoes, fat
and sassy as ever. He was watching the
performance on the bed like it was just

more proof that people were a lot farther
down the evolutionary ladder than cats,
down around alligators and lichens and
liverworts.

I walked straight into the room tall
nd proud, Gary Cooper and Gregory
Peck. Without hurrying, I walked around
the bed toward the dresser Potatoes was
on. A couple of the people on the bed
noticed me but didn’t seem to care one
way or another, and one graceful girl's
arm beckoned me in, like it was а swim-
ming pool or something

I was so cool, I even stopped a couple
of fect away from Potatoes to do our old
trick and start things right. When he's in
the mood, when I pound on my chest
like I'm having a coughing fit, hell jump
at me from wherever he is and just
know that ГЇЇ always catch him and start
petting him. Which I always do.

So Г stood there next to the Sexual
Freedom League rally and smacked my

chest with the flat of my hand.
nd sort of did a
It was like, Well
And then he
stood up and stretched a little and made
a lithe bound for me. He was purring
like crazy by the time I caught him

1 think 1 started crying again about
then, or at least tears came rolling out of
my eyes. Potatoes licked a couple off my
cheek and purred louder. Really. It was
areal Shirley Temple reunion.

1 turned with Potatoes in my arms and
looked over the pile. For some reason, 1
suddenly wanted to be sure Patty saw me
before I made my exit.

She was pretty busy at the moment and
had her eyes closed t0 concentrate better

But when she opened them, there I was.

She couldn't really sorcam, because her

Potatoes looked up
double take. I swear
it's about time, shithead!

mouth was full, but her eyes bulged
while she wied—a new wrinkle her
friend no doubt appreciated. And she

couldn't get up to chase me or call the
cops or anything, because she was, well
really busy. Houdini couldn't have got-
ten her out of there.

1 blew her a kiss and headed for the
door and unlocked it. When 1 opened it
the woman who'd been outside banging
on it came exploding in as I went out

1 couldn't tell if her shriek was joy or

horror.

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PLAYBOY

312

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These problems don't exist with
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“Well, at least he brought the color back to your cheeks.”

313

PLAYBOY

DESIRE (continued from page 228)

“El Cid wooed Diana by shooting her pet pigeons. It’s
not our idea of foreplay, but if it works, hey.”

of students and newlyweds what they
wanted from sex. Both men and wome
seemed to be equally concerned with
acceptance, affection g (though
women were more eager for expressions
of love during sex). It was thought that
women would be more interested in
timacy or closeness. The researchers
found that the sexes were equal—indeed,
on some items, men seemed to express a
greater longing for intimacy than d
women. “Both dating couples and newly
weds wish their partners were slightly
more warm and involved during sex, and
wish their partners would engage in
slightly more oral /genital sex; it is new-
lyweds who wish their partners would
be slightly more seductive than they are
now. Women are more satisfied with
the status quo.” Not surprisingly, men
were more interested in excitement and
variety. They wished their part
would be slightly rougher during sex,
would be more experimental sexually
and slightly more v ble about where
they had sex. "It was men who wished
their partners liked more impulsive sex,
and who wished their partners would be
slightly more wild and sexy." And, fi-

nally, the researchers found that мөте
wanted. their
nt—to guess what they wi

men to be more domi-
т шей and do
it all night, without being told. In con-
trast, men wanted. their partners to be
less submissive.

Hatfield speculates that the nature of
relationships will change. “It used to be
that men went into a relationship
wanting scx and ended up liking the
relationship. Women wanted the rela-
tionship but ended up liking sex. Now
it appears that men—once they become
sexually experienced—are more open to
s not the same
lt includes the
heights of ecstasy, but also the dark
side oL hostility, resentment, depression.
A casual partner can only please or di
comfort you. The longer you stay with
someone, the more he knows about you.
The mo approval, the
more his rejection. The
threat that it might end is a constant
source of arousal.”

Also, says Hatfield, “The couples
judge their first relationships depends
on fantasy, what they've been told about
relationships by society. First affairs arc
always unrcal projections. Later, lovers
become more open to experience. You
can almost measure the success of a rela-
tionship with a formula—it is directly

314 dependent on the number of good

experiences, the sequence of positive
i. Fantasy is usually re-
placed by a reality that is full of su

prises. You begin to judge a relationship

by the events of the past.
Men and women are beginning to

ion process, if that’s
begins too carly to revert. If
you put a barrier between a boy and a
1 playmate at the age of six months,
1 will sit there crying. The boy
will try to find a way around the barrier.
He initiates the behavior.

Perhaps in the two years the girls are
waiting for boys to go through puberty,
they sit and. compare notes, decide on
the quotes, the standards for success.
Their crotic fantasies encompass real
estate, children, the status quo. They
develop the sexual confidence of a Cus-
toms official, When a relationship falls
apart, women are resigned to it. They
still have their standards, The шап al-
most never knows why it went wrong
He is likely to feel more depressed, more
lonely and less happy alter a breakup.
He is three times as likely to commit
suicide after a bad alfair as is а woman.
He is also more likely to start a new

alfair as quickly as possible. The only
cure for а woman is another wom
.
Hatfield and Berscheid spent years

studying attraction, "We find," says
Hatfield, "that physical beauty is cruci
И you ask people what they would like
to have, the desire lor the most bi ful
is never extinguished, Given a сім
we would all like to date the most beau-
tiful parmer available. But if faced with
areal date, that choice is held in rein by
our sense of self-esteem, what we h: to
olfer. Sexual relations seem to be based
on a marketing model. You seule for
what you can get. People end up with
partners who are similar i

ligion, parents status, education and
come) and family solidity happi-
ness of parents’ marriage) and. popular-
ity. It's astonishing. When you see an
imbalance in a couple, the discrepancy
is usually accounted for by an imbalance
on one of the other scales. Economic.
Power. It is а bar

“We do seem to have an erotic type,”
says Hatfield. "It seems that we like
people who look like us—and yct the
intensity of the affair comes not from
the sim ics but from the perceived
difference:

“I know this is going to sound illog
cal, but if 1 had to bet, from just talk-
5 to lots of people, I would say that
the result of these differences.
ant is someone who is mostly
» зо that he docsn't scem
people describe when
teme attraction gocs
all the w у back to Reich, We feel that
i. that there is
t expressed or
and out there in the
world is someone who is the essence
of what we're missing. When we find
someone who has everything we wish
we had, that person tends to have a
really strong impact. The research to
date has measured only the similarities—
that lovers tend to be alike in car-lobe
length, eye color, LQ., personality. But
we have yet to measure those passion-
inspiring differences, the things that
make us think, This person is every-
thing I'm not.”

‘There are tit men, ass men, eye, car,
nose and throat men, and there are the
female equivalents. Why do we locus on
one aspect of a person and not on the
entire person? The late Ernest Becker
suggested that the dynamics of normal

traction are similar to those of the
fetishes. In an essay called Everyman
as Pervert, he wrote, "There is nothing

isn't fulfilled,

per se about a large breast that has any
more inherent sexual st to the
partner than a small one. Obviously, it

is all in the eye of the beholder. But our
culture teaches us to become committed
in some way to the body of the opposite
sex, and we are eager for cues that give
Us a passport to permissive excitati

When we learn such a cue, w
ich significance.
ightens the meaning of с
ties of objects so that its members
easily bring into play the approved re-
sponsive behavior: lace underwear and

chrome for G

Tennov says “that part of the process
of falling in love is the cataloging of the
"perfect" cues in our partners. We run

s like erotic slide
fuel, reinforce our
choices. When it starts to go bad, we
fip to the negatives to kill de
.

The penile transducer, or strain
i stainlessstecl
not unlike a bracelet, that encloses the
shaft of the penis, Tiny clastic cords,
not unlike the bungi cords used

the selective memo

tach luggage to a motoreyde. complete
the

These bands translate fluc-
in the diameter of the per
via a bundle of tiny wires, to a needle
moving on a polygraph. The strain gauge
is the scientific tool by which we de-
termine the truth of the body. It gives
an objective measure of sexual arousal.
If you attach a strain gauge to а

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volunteer, then show him an erotic mov-
ie—or, better yet, play him a tape re-
cording of an erotic fantasy that allows
him to fill in the gaps with his own
details—he will be able to tell you what
turns him on—or how turned on he is
at any given moment—some 90 percent
of the time. The rise and fall of his
self-report will agree with the rise and
fall of the polygraph.

In contrast, if you take a female vol-
unteer and plug her into a machine that
records changes in the vaginal mucosa—
lubrication the equivalent of erec-
tion—she can accurately assess the state
of her arousal only 50 percent of the
time. Arousal is a rogue. The initial
stages of sexual excitement are charac-
terized by physiological responses that
are not distinct from those of other emo-
tional responses. The body reacts the
y to anger, fear, danger, an:
h subtle increases in heartbeat,
respiration and galvanic skin response.
The physiology doesn't become unmis-
takably sexual until the body alerts thc
biochemical chain of command to close a
valve in the penis and trap the blood in
an erection, or—in females—to begin the
process of lubrication.

Tn the carly Sixties, psychologist Stan-
ley Schacter theorized that all emotions
are the result of two conditions: (1) the
physiological symptoms of arousal (as
described above) and (2) the labeling of
the symptoms, according to situational
cues. Neither physiological arousal nor
mere labeling alone is sufficient to pro-
duce an emotional experience. Perhaps
the following joke appl

‘The first umpire says,
I sees ‘em.”

The second umpire says.
like they

The third umpire says.
nothing till I calls 'em.^

Karen Rook and Constance Hammen,
two psychologists from UCLA, claim
that the differences in desire, in the way
we interpret the truth of the body, can
be traced to tomical erences. The
instant evidence of arousal. He
calls ‘em like he sees “еш, An erect penis
is hard to ignore. So males are more in
touch with the cues that elicit arousal.
They let their sex organ do the thinking.
The signs of arousal in a woman are
more subtle and easily overlooked. They
ain't nothing till she calls ‘em. Many
women have to be taught that what they
€ experiencing is an orgasm.

Gene Abel is a psych
New York State Psychiatr
working in
around 168th Street in New York City
He uses the strain gauge to investigate
sexual arousal of sex offenders—rapists
and child molesters—and th
He starts with the bi
funding is available for the study of the
bizarre. “We study people with unac-

Т calls ‘em like

“I calls ‘em

"They

Institute,
brick building up

ceptable erotic fantasies because that's
what society is interested in.

According to Abel, the stranger the
turn-on, the less likely you are to have
a match between the subject's sel-report
and the truth of the body, as measured
by the strain gauge. "People can't always
identify what it is that's erotic to them.

When I read about Abel and thc
strain gauge. I told my editor that I
might volunteer to be tested, to spend
an afternoon in the lab, looking at pic-
tures and listening to tapes, in order to
find out once and for all what it was 1
was really looking for in my sex life. He
was aghast.

I replied that since I was turned on
by anything alive, identifiably female
and of legal age, I could stand to narrow
that down a bit. With my luck, I would
find that I was turned on by the ma-

chine. My editor replied by quoting
Oscar Wilde: “In this world there are
only two tragedies. One is not getting

what one wants and the second i:
ting it.”

Faced with those alternatives. Е con-
tacted Abel and asked if he had ever
shown a group of standard fantasies

get-

10 a "normal" population. He said no,
that sex research is not ТУ programing.
He is more interested in the subtle com-
ponents of desire. He tries to isolate the
cues that accelerate arousal and to edit
out the extraneous ones that decelerate
it.

In one study, Abel presented two
groups—rapists and nonrapists—with
three scenarios. The first tape describes
mutually consenting intercourse between
a male and a female who initiates sex:
“She really cares about you . . . she says,
‘Let's make love’ . . . she's unsnapping
your pants . . . she spreads her legs and
she's helping you get your penis into
her . . . she's taking your hands and
moving your hands on her tits. . . . She's
really getting into it. . . .” Both rapists
and nonrapists responded to this fan-
tasy. So, for that matter, did 1.

The second tape describes a brutal
You've broken into a house, where
you know a woman is... you get your
hands ош... put them right over her
mouth so she can't scream ош... you've
got a knife. If she doesn't lie still, you're
going to kill her . . . she's trying to get
away. It's no изе... you tell her, ‘Come

“Hesa Capricorn. That means
he'll be successful in business, like to dance,

be interested in sports... .

”

317

PLAYBOY

on, spread your legs or ТЇЇ kill you.
She's got nice tits, A nice ass. You're
right on top of her there.

‘The scenario continues—indecd, it
s like a police-blotter account of
rape, including constant threats, body
injury and fear for her life. In one such
study. the group of nonrapists liter
dropped out, the strain gauge recording
mini arousal. In contrast, the y
were very aroused, recording more than
50 percent of a full erection.

The third u ph
ault, with no sex: “You've broken
tment... it’s a girl lying
there on the bed. You're going to beat
the shit out of her. You take that belt
and you slash her across the back. She's
pleading with you to мор... you take
your fist, You give her your fist right into
the back. You can see the bruises start-
ing to form.”

The nonrapists did not respond to
the assault scenario, but the rapists
did. In fact, says Abel, the relationship
Detween their arousal to aggression and
their arousal to rape was “disgustingly
lawful." The rapists’ erection to pure vio-
lence was 40 percent of their erection to
ре.

The study produced one final curios-

Abel asked each group to listen to
the scenarios and wy to inhibit their
erections. The nonrapists were able to
control their response to the rape and
the aggression t The rapists were
able to control their response to the mu-
tual-intercourse scene and the rape
scene, bur when they listened to the
assault, they achieved greater erectior
They could not contol their arow
and the more they tried, the more they
became aroused.

What if you are one of those men who
are aroused by such ап inappropriate
cue? Is there anything that can be done?
Abel believes there is. He claims that
ach of us carries around a potent fan-
лау. “The thoughts we recall and use a
lot become tied in or associated with
orgasm and generate more arousal. Those
things we don't remember fade, so we
ve а constantly altering and evolving

pe describes а pu

arousal pattern, depending upon our
idiosyncratic retrieval pattern. Our past
Jeads us into the future, to m

10 make the world match our fani

Abel treats rapists with something
called the masturbatory satiation tech-
nique. He has the patient reach orgasm
to а scenario of mutual intercourse, then,
while the crection fades, has the patient
repeat aloud, over and over. the offen-
sive fantasy until it becomes boring.
Eventually, the rape fantasy, or child-
molestation fantasy or whatever, loses
its power—to be replaced by something
more flexible, resilient and legally avail-
able. The message is, if you want to
change the quality of your sexual excite-

g1g ment, you have to change the quality

of your sexual fantasies. Freud gave
[antasy a bad name by suggesting that
only neurotics played in the secret gar-
den of erotic daydreams. Nowadays, we
know that everyone has fantasies and
that the normal can be pretty weird.

.

In the fantasy that was catalyst for
Robert Stoller’s book Sexual Excitement,
ient mentioned that she had a per-
sistent erotic daydream in which she was
being raped by a hors

A quel man, The Director, a Nazi
type. is directing the activity. It con-
is of Belle being raped by а stal-
lion, which has been aroused to a
frenzy by a mare held oll at a dis
tance beyond where Belle is placed.
In a cirde around the periphery
stand vaguely perceived men, сх-
pressionless, masturbating while ig-
noring cach other, the Director and
Belle. She is there for the dclectation
of these men, including the Director,
who, although he has an erection,
makes no contact with her; her func-
to be forced to unbearable
1 excitement and pleasure,
thereby making a fool of herself
before these men. She has been en-
ved in this obscene exhibition of
humiliation because it creates егес-
tions in these otherwise unfeeling
men; they stand there im phallic,
brutal indifference. АП that, how-
ever, is foreplay, setting the «с
What sends her excitement up
almost immediately to orgasm as she
masturbates is not this scene alone,
for obviously, if it were really
happening, she would experience
horror, not pleasure. Rather, what
excites her is the addition of some
detail that exacerbates her humilia-
tion; eg. the horse is replaced by
putable, ugly old шап, or her
excitement makes her so wild she
is making a dreadful scene: or her
palpitating genitals are spotlighted
to show that she has lost control of
her physiology. And, behind the
scenes, a part of herself permits the
excitement because it (she) knows
that she, who is masturbating, in the
real world, is not lly the same
as “she” who is the suffering woman
in the story. In the story, she is hu-
miliated; in reality, she is safe

te

As the analysis continued, Stoller
began to suspect that this woman had
condensed her entire erotic life into a
single scenario. That theory eventually
led to his hypothesis that "people in
general have à. paradigmatic erotic sce-
nario— played dream, or in choice
of pornography, or in object choice, or
simply in actions (such as styles of inter-
course)—the understanding of which
will enable us to understand the person.”

Stoller returns to that idea again and

again through the pages of his writings:
“Sexual excitement depends on a sce-
io. The person to be aroused is the
‘writer’ who has been at work on the
story line since childhood. The story is
n adventure, in which the hero/ heroine
runs а risk that must be escaped. I

sed as function autobiography
which are hidden crucial intrapsychic
conflicts, screen memories of actual

events, and the resolution of all these
clements into a happy ending. best cel
brated by orgasm. The characters arc
chosen because they resemble (though
are usually not identical in appearance
with) important people of childhood
such as oneself and one's parents and
one's siblings Most often, the writer
becomes director, moving the action out
into the world of real people or other
n because they
director as

objects: these are chos
are perceived by the write
filling the criteria already written into
the role. (Prostitutes are available to
those without better resources for cist
ing.) If the chosen characters pretty
much fit the parts, they work. They
should, however. have just а touch of
unpredictability in their behavior
introduces the illusion of r
varyingly predictable, they are boring.
On the other hand, if they do not stick
close enough to their assigned role
much anxiety results and they are ur
jn. Every detail counts lor increasing ex-
Gtement and avoiding ипе danger or
boredom. For many people, sex
citement is like threading a mine field."

Like Abel, Stoller believes that we are
driven by an imperative fantasy, some
thing we have shaped over the years and
come to rely upon. It is not a scenario—
а set of steps or moves that have to be
perlormed in sequence. Rather, it is
something aki to what the spies
World War Two called microdots: “The
fantasy is a microdot, an amalg
contains our entire sexual Ph
fabric of what excites us. We c
play in the precoit
masturbate, when we orgasm. It may
not bc conscious, but it is there. The
is guided with
shrewdness, and at times with genuine
creativity. It is never just a smashi
together of elements into a cont}
of junk, but rather is moved by clear-cut
gor. It is an act of intellect, will, fore-
sight and synthesis, not just primal in-
stinct seeking release.”

"Ehe sum of one's sexual life is there,
ready lor all. a
hologram, illuminating part of the image
can recreate the whole, though faintly.
Maybe that's what turns us on—the
brain sweeps through the memories and
a chair, or long blonde hair, or à name,
or a song, can trigger the whole. Sexual
excitement, says Stoller, ture of
hostility, mystery, risk, illusion, revenge,
reversal of trauma or frustration. to

] it into
moments, when we

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PLAYBOY

fety factors and dehumaniza-
tion. And all of these are stitched
together into a whole—the surge of sex-
ual excitement—by secrets.”

The mention of hostility has been the
source of a great deal of controversy.
Stoller explains: “The hostility of ero-
tim is an attempt, repeated over and
over, to undo childhood traumas and
frustrations that threatened the develop-
ment of one’s masculinity or femininity.
The same dynamics, in different m
and degrees, аге ound in ali
one, those Jabeled perverse and those
not labeled.

triumph,

.

John Money, a sex researcher at
Johns Hopkins Hospital, also believes
that desire is the result of a core fan-
tasy—that we reach adulthood equipped
with an erotic map that dictates the per-
fect love айай, the perfect lover, the
perfect erotic sexual experience. “The
profile of one’s erotic turn-on imagery
is as personally idiosyncratic аз one's
nature, one’s face or one's fing

prints ys Money.
When we reach adolescence, the map
reveals itself in our erotic fantasies. The

young boy already knows if he prefers
Miss May to Miss October, So he begins
the hunt.
here is a sophisticated riddle about
what a boyfriend (or girlfriend) and a
Rorschach inkblot have in common,"
s Money. “The answer is that you pro-
ject ап image of your own onto cach."
Money believes that the erotic map
is the result of a hard-fought struggle
ainst a repressive society. It's a won-
der, he says, that any of us turns out
remotely normal, and in his book Love
and Love Sickness, he points out that if
you take a young monkey away from its
mother and its playmates, then тейит
duce them at a later age, the monkey will
attempt to mate, but its moves will be
ludicrous and inaccurate. A young male
monkey will try to mount the female side-
ways. It has been suggested that the sex-
ual isolation imposed on young girls may
contribute to inorgasmia in later years.
In other words, if we interrupt the nat-
wal cycle, we end up with adults who
don't know enough to do it right.
“If we grew up in a permissive socie-
7 says Money, "everyone would be
come healthy het

children for sex h
cially if it is heterosexual rehearsal p

What we have instead is the m
field, the obstacle course of growing up
bsurd and asexual. t of the natural
mating dance gets displaced, put on cen-
ter stage,” says Money. “In the natural
course of events, for
show their sex or
our society, that kind of behavior
punished. So it becomes the supercharged

g20 obsession. In order to get an erection,

you have to rush down to the bus stop or
shopping mall and flash your organs to
some unsuspecting female in order to
sce the shock on her face, and maybe
hear her screams. And then you run
home, These men seldom ejaculate on
the spot. They keep the arousal and
run home to do it with their wives.

According to Money, we are not born
with our basic sexual imagery. We learn
from our parents and. peers. We acquire
our sexuality the way we acquire our
native language. We are not born speak-
ing English or French, but we soon ac-
quire the words and the grammar,
enough to make ourselves understood.
We аге not born heterosexual. but some-
thing in the mind lies waiting for the
appropriate cues. We acquire our sexual
imagery in the same years we acquire our
language—between the ages of two and
eight. “I could call it our native imagery,
our native fantasy," says Money, “but
we don't have a word for it, and there's
a perlectly good reason. Because we be-
lieve in the innocence and asexualism of
childhood. We are constantly looking
for evidence of original sin. of premature
wickedness.”

The monkey visual models—it can
watch adults do й. We have the taboo
of privacy, the taboo of age. the taboo
of gender. Parents don't. discuss the na-
ture of intimacy, do not include their
children in sexual behavior, so children
grow up with the most deprived sense
of what sex is about. Excitement is
something unacceptable. to be hidden,
something not to he discussed in mixed
company. The basic mating position that
results from this societal isolation booth
is as ludicrous as that of the monkey
trying 10 mount sideways. Masters and
Johnson found that 80 percent of the
couples in their Jab engaged in the great
American mating dance: a kiss on the
lips, a hand on the breasts, a dive for
the pelvis and, finally, mounting in the
missionary position. The same old same
old, what we could just about expect to
discover on our own.

“Something sends the normal sexual-
ity underground,” says Money, “then we
don't know what's happening to thi
imagery. Sometimes it gets very bizarre.
The child and then the adolescent strug-
gles with a fantasy, is aware of it, and
it scares the bejesus out of him. The
anxiety is so deep that he deals with it
by not having se
People who are apathetic about sex
don't even know that they have no sexual
desire, because they don't know what
sexual desire is. If you are color-blind,
you don't know what color is, so you
don't know what other people see, do
you?"

Money believes that n
susceptible to "improper" cues. Most of
the 30 or so par: (aberrations)
that are recognized by Money are male

les are more

practices. “It is easy for a male to become
fixed on some anomaly of the visual
world," says Money. “The ease of iden-
tifying male core fantasies, permissivc
cues, may be the reason that homosexual
behavior is so ritual. They have codes
and signals for their mutual fantasy. Ii
you wear а key on the right, it means
you like to be beaten: if you wear it on
the left, it means you like to beat. There
is an immediate match-up of the fantasy,
and the results can be incredible.

“The chances of finding a satisfactory
partner in a heterosexual relationship.
the perfect fit for your fantasy, doesn't
have much chance of success. Women
really have only two core fantasies—the
masochistic, or martyr fantasy, in which
they sacrifice themselves to the idiosyn-
cratic urges of their partner. They can
never allow themselves to show enthusi-
asm for the sex act, nor initiate their
own. It is not a perfect match, and, be-
lieve me, the male can read the signals.
We are uncannily cagey at picking up
each other's core fantasies.

"The other predominant fantasy that
women have—of soft objects and touch,
does not really lend itself to a perfect
fit with the normal array of male core
fantasies. So you are likely to end up
with a disastrous marriage, where finally
the guy decides that it's too much work

to get up an erection for someone who

won't go along with his fantasy.
is the same as а n

Since ses е lan.
guage. I asked Money if we could meas-
ure desire the same way we measure
intelligence—by how well a child learns
to master the se:
the cratic equivalent of an intelligence
quotient—an E.Q? Is there such a thing
as an erotic genius?

“I don't think the erotic genius would
be the person with the largest vocabu-
lary, who was turned on to all 30 of the
cognized sexual aberrations,” Money
said. “We seldom find a person who is
turned on by more than one core fantasy.

“No, I would say that the erotic genius
is the person. most able to satisly his
erotic map—to find his way to the right.
person, the right position.

.

"Ehe big lie of the past few decades has
been that all orgasms are created equal,
that every boy and girl can grow up to
become polymorphously perverse, that
we have made the world safe for sensual-
ity. We were told that pleasure was a
self-evident. truth, a somew absent-
minded guide through life, the body's
way of telling us that we were on the
ight track. If it felt good, do it—that
was the only permission we needed to
reach the [ull potential of our bodies.

Masters and Johnson suggest that love-
n ng is a skill that can be learned.
that all orgasms are identical, the result
of a certain sequence of physiological

ıl vocabu! Is there

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321

PLAYBOY

322

events, Men and women, they say, have
similar response patterns to “effective
sexual stimulation." Learn the basics,
perform a few simple exercises and
we're back in the game. Problems that
once might have been crippling—prema-
ture ejaculation, frigidity, impotence—
aren't cause for years on the couch
Ecstasy is only skin-deep. A violin string
vibrating at 440 cycles per second emits
an A. Muscles contracting at .8-second
intervals produce the O of orgasm.

Unfortunately—or perhaps fortunate
ly—all orgasms are not identical. And
while the sexes have similar response
patterns, they seem to be radically dif-
ferent in terms of desire. The August
1980 issue of Psychology Today chal-
lenged the notion that sex was the same
for all of us. “Apparently,” wrote asso-
ciate cditor Virginia Adams, “the culture
has cured simpler problems by making
sex information easier to obtain and by
easing up on old taboos; it is all right,
now, to enjoy sex. But, paradoxically, a
lot of people aren't much interested in
it, even though they are capable of
sexual functioning and wish they had an
appetite for it. “The problem most often
presented today is lack of desire.’ ”

Dr. Helen Singer Kaplan, a New
York-based analyst, has also found that
Masters and Johnson's model of the

healthy, potentially orgasmic male and
female doesn't hold up. In Disorders of
Sexual Desire, she writes, “А person's
physical response to emotion is as spe-
cific and individual as his fingerprint.
From early childhood on, one person
will respond to any form of stress with
an increased flow of gastric acid, an-
other's muscles will tense up, while a
third's genital blood vessels will be par-
ticularly responsive. This characteristic
response pattern predisposes one person
to develop specific psychosomatic disor-
ders, another to inhibit his orgasmic
response, and the libido of another to
be more vulnerable.”

The potential for orgasm is
enough to cure sexual inertia or apathy,
nor to explain the mysteries of why sex
is better with some people than with
others, or better on some nights than on
others, Questions about desire are more
interesting than statistics оп perform-
ance in bed. Our pursuit of pleasure
tells us more about ourselves than we
ever imagined. Whether that pursuit is
fueled by testosterone or guided by an
erotic map is almost beside the point.
‘The core fantasy crumbles, then reassem-
bles around experience. The pursuit of
pleasure becomes a quest for quality.

I realize that my willingness to plug
myself into the strain gauge, the stain-

not

“Oh, darling, you shouldn’t have...
or perhaps you should have.”

less-steel band that would reveal to me
the truth of my body, was simply а
means of testing the wisdom I was be-
ginning to extract from my past sexual
experience. I know some of the cues that
accelerate my arousal. The fantasies that
a lab assistant could produce would be
general, the stuff of soap operas and the
Penthouse Forum.

I know friends who are more likely
to take an educated қаса, with morc
pleasurable results, than some guy in a
white coat. I know Гус learned disoc-
Чоп. Daryl Hall wrote a song in which
a lover turns down a one-night encoun-
ter with the line: “She wants five min-
utes of what's taken me a lifetime.”

1 can sce that I'm attracted to a certain
erotic type, a gracious lady/wise-ass
chick, Women who are strong, inde-
pendent, muscle toned, more likely to
be blonde, who have the grace of some-
one in touch with her body, whose nerve
endings are not hidden, whose eyes are
intelligent. As a friend says about life in
Aspen: "The only requirement is keep-
ing up." I am more responsive to col-
larbones and sacral dimples than to tits
and ass. Jan Smithers more than Loni
Anderson. 1 have a favorite piece of
pornography, chapter seven of Jungle
Fever, by Marcus van Heller. I discov-
ered it when a potential lover said her
favorite piece of pornography was some-
thing by Marcus van Heller she'd read
as a kid. Jf we ever get together, we
could be dangerous.

I probably have a favorite position,
but then, I've had good teachers. 1 can
recall afternoons tangled in satin sheets
on a water bed, unsure of who was doing
what to whom or, for that matter, whose
genitals were whose. As long as no one
left with more than one set, fine. I
remember an affair in a hotel room,
when sex seemed to have invited us
there to deliver its own lecture. When I
left, 1 looked at the ruins and said,
That's what 1 mean. It will take me a
while to reíold that erotic map.

The lover who now occupies my
thoughts is one who can read the move-
ments behind the movements. Who can
perceive the image when I place her arms
Over her head, to suggest bondage, and
later have her suggest the opposite, hang-
ing me from a chin-up bar апі...
never mind. Who is not afraid to initiate.
her own fantasies, be it the sudden pos-
session in a car parked in the Los Ange-
les airport, revisiting teenage lust while
a voice intones: This white zone is for
loading and unloading only. This is the
source of sexual excitement. Trying to
find a partner who fits, or comes close.

The third tragedy in life, greater than
getting what you want or not getting
what you want, is not being willing to
try. As Han Solo says, Don't ever tell me

the odds.

ee PE

She's worried Toi Son: bosse ТОУ your ОТЫ
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Own the diamond with the best character traits.

Your jeweler judges the value of a diamond according to what he calls the Four
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Each diamond combines these 4 characteristics in a unique way. One will be
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(continued from: ^age 216)

“His beady eyes flickered negligently over me for a
second, and then he turned back to his work.”

help, Fogarty, but there must be thou-
sands of blondes on the sidewalks at any
given time. Why would this one know
anything about a dog who operated a
telephone-answering service?”

Fogarty began to pout. Sometimes he
can be oversei ме.

"OK, what have I got to lose?” I said,
with more cockiness than 1 felt, and I
got up, put my belt on a tighter notch
and headed uptown.

1 work in an unmarked hardtop
that has seen better days, but it's an eftec-
tive cover. I expected the trip would be
completely futile, but wonder of won-
ders, when I reached the designated cor-
ner, the blonde was still there. I must.
say, she Jooked too garish to be a street-
walker, but it did occur to me that she
might well be a decoy cop, a male officer
padded in the right places and dressed
in women's clothes, with a purpose to
attract a robbery or rape attempt.

To test my hypothesis, I left the car
and sidled near her/him, displayed my
shield in a cupped hand and said, “Di
Falco, Animal Crime Squad.”

The blonde said, "If you don't go
away, I'll call a cop."

"What do you think I am?"

"Some creep who bought a phony
badge to shake people down with

“Take a look at my LD.” I put my
card under her nose. She squinted at it.

"OK," she said. "Now what?"

"You wouldn't know of a dog who
operates a telephone-answering service?”

"What if I do?" She reared back and
put her hand on her hip.

"Don't get cute with me, baby," I said.
"There's a loi

“I might know of such a party,” said
she. “You want to sign up for the service,
is that it?"

“TI say this, Blondie, you've got as
much chutzpah as anyone I ever met."

“Listen, you got to survive.”

I gave her a bill that was tightly rolled
into a cylinder the size of a cigarette.
“Pick your teeth on that,” I said, hoping
to give the impression it was a larger
denomination than the dollar it was.

“OK, buster,” said she. "You bought
yourself some information. 1 don't know
the dog personally, but I've left a mes-
sage or two with him—on his machine,
that is. He just answers the phone and
then switches on the recorder.”

“It may be misrepresentation," I said
sternly. “What about you, miss. Think
ndles the business properly, or do
ink subscribers have a right to

She sneered at me.
can't you find something better to do?
‘There are vicious criminals all over the
street, and you spend your time harassing
doggy businessmen?”

Her attack really made me smart. “All
we're trying to do is protect the public,
young lady. It might be nice if we got
some cooperation and not this incessant
criticism."

She turned contrite. "Well, 1 didn't
mean to hurt your feelings, officer. You
can find the dog in apartment fifteen
twenty-six, in that building right over
there, with the striped canopy.” She
pointed down the block.

“Thanks, miss. I appreciate i

I lost no time in getting to the build-
ing and taking the elevator to the I5th
floor. 1 found the door marked 1526,
backed up and prepared to run at it
with the battering-ram of my shoulder
but prudently changed my mind and
tried the knob. It turned easily. An un-
locked door in Manhattan? I didn't like
the bravado it implied, but I went on in.

I found myself in the typical entrance
hall of a contemporary apartment. A
mirror hung on the wall and under it
stood a little table on which a week's
junk mail had accumulated. Two pairs
of overshoes had been negligently hurled
into the corner. Here a sole was dis-
played, there a flopped-over upper. One
fact was notable: These galoshes were
positively tiny, too small, I'd say, for any
child. In a word, they were just the right
size for a small dog.

1 drew my service revolver and stealth-
ily approached a closed door at the end
of a characterless hallway, passing on
my right a living room full of what
seemed indifferent modern furniture
arranged around a bright-blue rug in an
Oriental figure. It smacked of a dog's
taste.

I put my ear against the door. Not a
sound came from within. I turned the
knob and hurled myself into the room.

There he was a white fox terrier
with one black patch across his face and
another as back saddle. His beady eyes
flickered negligently over me for a sec
ond, and then he turned back to his
work.

"The animal wore a headset. One ear-
phone looked slightly askew, but the
other was well seated, a pointed ear
rising above it. A taperecording rig was
on the table before him. Even as I
watched, a bell sounded, the machine
kicked in and started its reel and the dog

"For God's sake,

barked sharply into the mike that a
U-shaped wire brought alongside but not
quite to the спа of his pointed jaw.

I had to admit that the operation
seemed kosher in all respects, though
maybe that was only because I was there.
But what could I do if I couldn't find
any violations?

“OK, bud," I told the animal, "you
look dean as a whistle right now, but
just remember, we got our eye on you.
We get any more complaints and-
Had ] mot got a bright idea at that
point, the dog might have escaped being
brought to justice for years.

On an impulse—it was really more
curiosity than suspicion—I decided to
listen to the kind of messages people left
with the dog. I moved him out of the
way and played back a few minutes of
his tapes. It didn't take long.

I had put my gun away. 1 drew it now
and with the other hand went for the
two pair of pawcuffs I carry looped
over my belt in the small of my back.
These manades permit a prisoner to
walk slowly, at a mincing gait, but, of
course, not to run.

I took the animal downtown and
hooked him on a charge of procuring.
So why did the blonde finger him? I
Jeaned on her pretty hard, of course, but
these babies don't crack that easy. Here's
my theory: Either she was under the
management of a rival pimp or, as I
had {им suspected, she was working
undercover for another law-enforcement
agency and wanted to get rid of me
before she was compromised. I suppose
it doesn't matter.

As for the fox terrier, he was subse-
quently sentenced to six months in the
animal correctional facility in the bor-
ough of Richmond. On appeal, that was
reduced to three months and the sen-
tence was suspended. Don't kid yourself;
by now, that dog's back at work. But I
have no regrets about doing my job. And
I owe one to Fogarty.

ТИЕ PELICAN FELONIES

Some citizens confuse us with the
AS.P.C.A. or a veterinary service, or
even with the Department of Sanitation.
Fogarty has a short fuse with people who
call complaining about horse droppings
on their block. "Put ‘em in your window
boxes!" he shouts, and hurls the phone
down.

We alo get complaints about dog
bites, bee stings and anything connected.
with pigeons; and, of course, if some-
body's pet alligator is missing, it is rou-
tine for us to get the squeal.
as it happens, none of
e our ай

Phen just what is it you do?" peevish-
ly asked the old lady to whom 1 had just.
tried to explain that we could not look
for her g parakect—unless, of

these

325

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PLAYBOY

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course, there was good reason to believe
it had committed a crime.

“You see, ma'am," I said, "a lot of
people are reluctant to admit that crimes
committed by animals are on the rise,
and our squad is first to feel any budget
cut. But the problem isn't likely to go
away by itself."

The old lady made an obscene remark
and hung up violently. Across the desk,
Fogarty smirked in sympathy.

He moaned. “Oh, if they only under-
stood!"

"That’s asking for the moon, Fogarty,”
I barked. "Meanwhile, we can't lollygag
around here; there's work to be done.” I
pushed my swivel chair away from the
desk, went downstairs and hit the street.

Prevention is, or should be, part of our
job, and 1 try to get out there where it's
happening before it happens. By golly, I
had hardly gone a block when I spotted
a big striped cat twisting off the antenna
of a parked car. These alley cats use a
length of tube from the old-fashioned
kind of aerial to form the barrel of a
crude but lethal zip gun. and if the
weapons were only employed in animal
gang wars, we might well look the other
way. (Who would cry if they all knocked
off one another?) The trouble
doesn't stop there. Sooner or later, a big
tom who carries such a. piece will use it
for a candy-store heist or street mugging.

So 1 drew my service revolver, spread-
eagled this suspect against the car and
frisked him. He wasn't carrying any heat,
for one, and for another, he produced,
from a fake lizard wallet, a driver's license
and a registration slip for the car. Both
of these were current, and both were in
his own name. It turned out that he had
been trying to straighten the antenna,
which some young punks had bent but
had not been able to break off before he
appeared and sent them packing.

I apologized. These things happen. He
took it in good spirits, got into the car
and drove away, too much blue smoke
coming from his tail pipe. I suppose I
could have cited him for that, but I
didn't have the guts after my previous
boo-boo.

I didn't get three blocks beyond the
scene of this episode when 1 saw him,
between the tailor and the deli, in the
doorway of the empty shop where the
gypsies used to live: a big French poodle,
recently clipped by the look of him, and
wearing a trench coat with the belt tied,
not buckled. I admit I have a prejudice
against any animal who affects such a
style. I was only amazed that he wasn't
also sporting a wide-brimmed fedora

1 felt certain it was only a matter of
moments before he made his move, and
sure enough, а nicelooking, well-dressed
woman, say in her early 40s, came out of
the deli, turned the corner, glanced at
the dog for an instant and then quickly
averted her face. Frenchy had whipped

open his coat and, you guessed it: He
wore nothing underneath.

1 quickly closed in on , but the
wily devil saw me coming, and his legs
proved a lot more nimble than mine.
Suffice it to say that he was gone before 1
reached his doorway. But I'll know him
when I see him next time.

Well, for a day that started off so brisk-
Jy, it then settled down to a subsequent
four hours of inconsequence. I left a lot
of shoe leather on city sidewalks. I ate a
frank, hold the onions, coffee with every-
thing. The acid in the latter got to me,
or maybe the milk was sour, and I went
into a discount drugstore to look for
relief. Having to make a choice among
the various antacids made my indigestion
worse. Tablets, liquids, all the labels
were attractive and probably all the
products contained much the same ше-
dicaments.

While I was studying the shelves, along
came a big robust pelican, who apparent
ly suffered from the same complaint as
mine, for he, too, began to examine the
aids to digestion. But from that point
on, our styles showed a wide divergence.
While I continued to deliberate, the bird
opened his deep-pouched beak and be
gan to fill it with an example of each
pill and potion offered for sale. I thought
that interesting, for these products are
far from being cheap; he was obviously
a well-to-do creature. And I'll admit to
feeling some bitterness. I have to watch
my pennies, while some damned bird can
waddle in and buy anything he wants!

Well, 1 had enough of this, and started
to leave. But he stepped back, as if to get
a wider perspective on the shelves, and
in an effort to avoid running into him, 1
swerved and, losing my balance, took a
tumble. I'll say this for hi He was
decent enough about offering to help me
up. He put out a wing tip, but I declined
with thanks and, thoroughly embar-
rassed by then, got out of that store as
quickly as I could.

But scarcely had I reached the next
corner, traveling briskly, when behind
me I heard that ay which, veteran
though I am, never fails to thrill me to
the core. I think that, underneath it all,
my principal motive for originally join-
ing the force might well have been to
hear a voice, seething with fear and out-
rage, cry, "Police!

I ran back to the store. A pudgy man,
wearing а SMILE button that probably
marked him as the manager, was point-
ing into the sky. I looked up. A pelican
was flying heavily up the side of a nearby
office building. There was some question
as to whether or not he could clear its
roof, though the structure was a modest
one, say, of a dozen or so floors,

“They're not the most graceful of
birds,” I said. “Furthermore, if he's the
one I think he is, he's weighed down by

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PLAYBOY

a beak(ul of Tums, Ма
hottles and more.”

And none of them paid for." said the
bby man. "He's a shoplifter. And
are the cops when you nced

lox, Pepto-Bismol

и
where

Say no more,” 1 told him. “Sergeant
nie DiFalco, of the Animal Crime
Squad, at your servic

Td like some I.D.

Т considered this an insul! and,
but I went lor my shield. 1 couldn't find
it; that pelican was also a pickpocket!
But ently he was not a violent

iminal, for my gun was still holstered
at the left side of my belt.

1 drew it now and pointed it up at the
bird, who was really laboring with his
wings in an all-out eilort to gain the roof
and get out of sight. One couldn't help
feeling sympathetic to him. but I had a
job to do. I squinted my eyes, took care-
ful aim, allowing for his travel and the
wind, and squeezed the trigge

I missed him altogether and everything
else as well. I've always wondered where
such bullets end up—perhaps as the work
ofa mysterious sniper in Queens,

The pelican reached the level of the
roof, went over it and could no longer
be seen from my angle. ] returned my
gun to the holster, deciding not to make
any excus

Сап I use your phone?" I asked the
nager. “TH put out an all-points on
baby.'
Cost you a dime.” said he. and
golly, if he didn't stick out his hand

I paid him, went inside and called

What kind of peli

the sack under his beak. He can haul
away a lot of loot and take to the
when pursued. Frankly, I don't sce how
we can easily stop him. We could call
in the air guard, but even the smallest
ipons would probably miss
lim but deva a strip of city. I can

testify that a handgun, fired [rom surect

level, is not effective.

What about a net?" asked my part-
ner

“With how long a handle? Think
what you're saying. Fogarty

“Naw. What I mean is а big square of

netting. dropped from а сори

“Hey.” 1 said, “that's not bad. you
know? Want to put the call in for me?”
ty whined. “I got work of my

MI right, ght. signal the opera-
tor do put me on to the —" The con-
п went dead before 1 could finish
my request that 1 be switched to the

tension for the police helicopter service
1 searched my pockets. That had been
The manager was cold ıo

іметіу bucks’ worth of merchandise.
Don't make it worse.’

Well, before the week was ош, that
pelicin had hit ten stores in various
ts of town, and the city was on the

a. The mayor was
burnec ру, the police commissioner
resigned in disgrace, and had I not been
the only officer who could recognize
the wanted bird, І wouldn't have had a
job myself.

‘The pelican had refined his technique.
It was damned hard to find a weakness
in it, He would march into any store
that took his fancy, that shield of mine
dangling Irom his beak, and be taken
everywhere for a legitimate cop. The
irony that the department was re-
luctant to issue me a replacement, and
in the absence of my un, the average
€ me no credence whatever.
pelî his
weakness. With this particular bird,
wasn't booze or broads, nor any type of
dope. In fact, by all counts, the pelican
was an absolute abstainer when it came
to any of the usual vices. He didn't even
smoke. Tobacco stores were just about
the only business establishments that
were immune to his ravages. But the
son of a gun had a sweet tooth that he
simply could not control. So if he robbed
a fiveand-dime or other variety store
with a candy counter, you сап be sure
that in making his exit, he spared a
moment to stop and rake up a couple of
pounds of chocolates with that great
scoop of his beak, and according to the
information furnished us by cyewit-
nesses, he would hurl his head back and
swallow those right down. Remember
that his neck pouch would at that point
be filled with the other loot he had
taken, generally hard goods, some pieces
ol which were of a surprising size and
weight, At least once he stole a minia-
ture апезе TV set, and at another
time, a large tape deck!

He's got а childish streak, Vin
Fogarty said alter listening to my latest
report. The pelican had cut a swath
through the diamond shops in midtow
Now. these places don't have
departments, but there are little lu
counters tucked in among the jewelers,
and the bird had stopped by а couple
of those places and heiped himself to the
more gooey of their pics and jelly dough-
nuts—and paid no check, you can be
su

Well, he’s a mighty rich kid now
1 said. "What gets ше is how he can
dupe all the private security guards
they've got everywhere in the jewelry
trade. 1 know he shows the shield he
took from me, but since when is a thing
with feathers and a big beak a sergeant
of detectives? Do those people believe
everything they read c idge?

Heck, Vinnie.” said Fogarty, “I can't
fault you in your low opinion of the

average citizen's intelligence, but
can’t use thar as an excuse to let th
pelican continue to make а fool of us.
He's not supernatural, is he? If you ask
me, he’s all too human, Since you know
he tends to work the same area of town
until he’s cleaned it out, why cant we
dose all the candy and desserts in a
given district’ with knockout drops?
Then, when he”

“Fogarty. Fogarty,” I groaned. "What
about all the other people who'll be
cating those things?”

“A harmless drug, Vinnie!” he replied.
“A slecping-pill formula or the like. So
innocent. people take it and fall asleep

What's the damage?"

n't dignily that with a detailed
answer," said Î. "You should know bet
< But the basic idea, that the candy
ed somehow, is not bad. .. . A
has no teeth. you know."

ogarty had been stung by my remark.
His reply was resentful. “Nor can a fish

а 5
I'm just trying ideas on for size,” 1
said. “I suspect the answer to the prob:
lem lies somewhere in the differences
between bird .. By George,
you've hit on i

Huh?” By his expression, I could see
he was ready to be mollified, but 1 de
cided to let the suspense build. I've got
alicious streak.

we

It wasn't easy, getting cooperation on
a plan like this. 1 was told at the first
few stores I approached that they'd

rather lose some merchandise to the bird
than do what I suggested at their

counters: the cure would cost them
th:

n the kill. But then I got clever
my next port of call. introduced my
self as a TV director. checking out loca
tions for a study in depth of shoplifting
From there on, I encountered по more
resistance, and by the end of the week.
my t al score of the
pe ts. along a four-
block strip of the East Side, where our
formants had reported seeing the bird
window shopping in recent days,
But we still weren't out of the w
by a long shot. To begin with, the peli
can suddenly and for no apparent reason
did what has always been considered
virtually impossible for any criminal: He
changed his M.O. And 1 don't mean
added or subtracted a minor trick or two.
No. his entire act was transtormed from
start to finish. Now he would go into a
shop d ther type of crea-
ture altogether, а golden retriever, say.
or a raccoon, in town for a convention.
Instead of my shield, he'd display, on
the lapel of a папу tweed jacket, one ol
rds that conventioners wear: ни

p was set in sev

n's potentia

ids,

collection

of common diminmives Jerry, Walt,
Richie or the like.

Nor wa

he

ny longer a shoplifter

What a game.On the ground
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PLAYBOY

Now his trick was to approach the near-
est salesperson to the cash register and
show a note that read:

Ten, count "ет, ten sticks of dy-
namyte is whyrd 10 my boddy. Give
me all the money else 1 will blo us
all upp-

Despite its spelling, this message was
hand-printed impeccably. By whom? But
t matter? The bird was con-
to make a fool of us, and I, for
one, was fed up.

"You know, Fogarty,” 1 said, wate
my partner open his hot hero sandwich
and probe into its filling with the end of
a ballpoint pen. "I think we should tell
people to call his bluff. What do you
think? Tell ‘em to ‚ ‘OK. bud, then
set off your dynamite.’ | think he'd end
up with egg on his face. Where would a
bird get high explosives, plus a detonat-
ing system compact enough to be carried
on his person?"

Fogarty was shaking his head over the
mess in his sandwich. "Sausage. Vinnie.
There's supposed to be sausage in this. I
can't but the peppers,
Hy, he slammed
1 and took a bite. I
ad to wait till that was thoroughly mas-

At last, he said:
ut could you afford а mistake
ks, Fogarty.” I said.

see nothing

ticated and swallowed.

needed

jJI think it was brilliant of you
to suggest putting only caramels in the
candy departments of all the midtown
stores. If the bird gets a mouthful of
those, he's had it; his beak will be glued
shut.”

“But I didn't give you that id
Fogarty, "and, anyway, it wouldn't stop
him from flying away, would it?
Now, don't be a defeatist, partner!”
I replied jolly voice, but 1 realized
his argument was devastating. So much
for the only idea with promise!

The fact is that we never did collar
that pelican. But the one-bird crime
wave ended soon after his adoption of
the new modus operandi. Apparently,
ally had got hold of some dynamite
sticks and some means of detonating
them, because within
denly blew up while crowing at an
intersection, Luckily, traffic thin at
that hour. No human beings were hurt,
and aside [rom a lot of broken plate
қ nd ап excavation in the middle of
the sucet, no d е was done, They
say feathers continued to float down for
a quarter hour alter the blast.

He was ап enterpr
despite Fogarty's snec
to having a certa
a worthy adversary.

he

day or so, he sud-

THE SNARE WITH STARS IN HIS EYES.

So far

I know, the only call there

332 ever was for snakes in the world of en-

tertainment was to accompany exotic
and that’s a thing of the past
gh 1 don't know why, it was a win
ning act in its day. But even then, the
d oL serpent used was one of the big
devils, boa or python, whereas the s
I'm talking about was a little garter type.
Hell, he wouldn't have made more than
a foot and a half in length if he, so to
speak, stretched on tiptoe; and in girth,
your ordin, frankfurter would be
thicker. But it might truthfully be sa
that the little fellow was all hea

If it sounds as though ] liked him,
you're right. But I can't ever allow emo-
tion to interfere with my duty. If a pet
of mine committed a crime, I'd bring it
to justice, and my own brother Sal has
never been able to forgive me for testify
ing in court against a Persian cat of hi
‘animal subsequently convicted of
ing cheeks and sent up the river.

I got to know the reptile in question
through a squeal that came in from the
or man at а Broadway thi
Contrary to what you might think, this
bald-headed, white-fringed old coot w
Hed not Pop but Wayne.

It seems that the

ngénue of the musi
cal comedy then in performance claimed
she was being harassed by a snake.
Wayne was right to call us in. If this

charge could be substantiated, the ser-
pent would be guilty of an ager:
meanor or a felony, depending on
length of his body and whether he
ied a deadly weapon. Nevertheless,
at first, the old doorman had failed to
take the young woman seriously. One,
how would a snake get into the dressing
ater in the middle of town?
Unless, of course, he had been the partner
of one of the aforementioned exotic
none of whom had ever been
known to рено stage. The sec-
ond reason had to do with the notorious
rsightedness of the actress. In fact,
about the snake,
s he sat

ated

room of

dancers,

1 had falle:
ri
reading a table
a battered old felt hat on the b
head and exposed suspenders on his
trunk.

"OE Just when and why did
you correct your first
sorry, I keep wanting to call you Pop,
Wayne.

We exch à moment,
and then he went on: “The fact is, there
ly was a snake, all right. Not twenty-

hours went by before I seen him.
I went to the water cooler, is when it
„ just after the firs-act intermission
at the Wednesday matinee; house was
full of ladies on theater parties—gee, 1
tell you, Falconi, I never get tired of that
suspense just before the curtain goes up,
when all the world is waiting lor that
moment of magic
II right, let's drop the schmaltz and

said I. **

four

get lo the details. And my name's Di-
alco, Pop.”

He shrugged and measured off mayl:
a foot, foot and a half, with two hands
on edge. "Little bugger he was, there on
the floor underneath the water cooler.
Now, the impulse of a lot of people is
when they see a snake to run get som
thing to smash him with, but as it hap-
pens, Tm a farm boy, born and raised
Upstate. I tell you, Falkowitz, you don't
know what milk is until you drink it
warm right after the cow gave it, maybe
with a 0 slice of homemade bread
and—"
Мош wat

ing, Pop, but go on

about the reptile;
“50

what 1 meant was, you been
farm, you never kill a snak
And this theater is full of mice that been
ound since it built at the turn of
the century."

“this ingénue, is she a

He made his mouth sag and punched
the air with an elbow. "Heck. there's all
d of taste. She's а bit skinny for my
money, but I guess there's some who'd
think her the cat's pajamas

“Like fug, personally, do you
Wayne?" I eyed him narrowly. In how
many old movies was the doorman a sex
maniac? I made a mental note to have
Fogarty run a make on him when I got
back to headquarters. "But go on abou
the snake. So you didn't do him any
ha

m

from it. I don't mind saying it
gets pretty lonely back there when the
performance is finished and you're wait-
ing for the last few actors to clean their
make-up off and leave."

uly

melancholy

He grinned at me, showing ill-fitting
dental plates. “Have a showbiz back-
ground, Falk

when I'm on a case.

My rebuff served the purpose of get
ting him back to the subject. tds.
far from doing damage to the little fella
I picked him up icd him back
to a little private corner I made for
myself in the property room. I got a hot
plate there and some powdered coffee,
and 1 keep a little n of evaporated
milk, and 1 poured some of that
lid and set it down for the snake. I tell
you. he lapped it up like he was fam-
hed, and did the sa until the whole
darn can was empty. Poor little. devil
obviously hadn't eaten in some tim

"OK, you've brought me close to
tears,” I said, in the raspy voice I assume
when I deal with certain members of
the public. An officer is trusted more if
he seems hard-bitten, "But if this serpent

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PLAYBOY

334

“Being active can drain

a mans body of zinc-

a metal ‘more
precious than sold’
for good health."

Dan Gable, Olympic Wrestling Champion
| Coach of 1980 U.S. Olympic Wrestling Team

“Nothing's more im- more than the US. rec- eliminated daily
portantto me than ommended daily , you may
keeping my allowance of need more
body fit, And Zinc —the mineral than you get
Iknow that not available from your daily
Zincisan in most food intake.

essential formulations. LetZ-BEC
mineral for fulfill your bodys
everyman normal needs
who wants to & foróessential
maintain good phys- youan extra supply of B-Cornplex vitamins,

ical condition. Thats
whyl make sure our
wrestling team takes
Z-BEC? Its rich in
Zinc—a metal ‘more
precious than gold’
for helping a man
stay in shape”
Z-BEC is one high
potency formula
thats fortified
with fifty
percent

AHOBINS

the B-Complex vitamins
and Vitamin C...vital
elements that your body
cannotstore. And since
these importantvita-
mins are water- soluble

1407 Cummings Drive

Richmond, Virginia 23220 Copyright, 1980

as well as Vitamin E,
Vitamin Cand Zinc.

Vitamin E pus
00 mg
Vitamin C and
B-Complex
Vitamins

AH ROBINS

adam

„and avery Merry Christmas, т.

*"Twenty-eighth floor . .

GIVE THE GIFT OF
THE IRISH MIST.

Give someone a bottle of Irish Mist and you
give them hills that roll forever, lakes that radiate
light, and a gentle mist that settles every evening.

Every sip of Irish Mist is all that and more:
A legendary, centuries old drink sweetened with
just a wisp of heather honey. Irish Mist can be
enjoyed anytime, or place, or way: on the rocks;
neat; or mixed to your taste.

Itsa pleasing drink. It's a perfect gift: Irish
Mist in the handsome gift box. Always given with
pride and received with appreciation.

IRISH MISI.
THE LEGENDARY SPIRIT.

Imported Irish Mist® Liqueur. 70 Proof. ©1979 Heublein, Inc., Hartford, Conn. US.A.

just became a pet of yours, you wouldn't
have called the department, right”

He had been smiling, but now his old
face fell. “I'm getting to that. First thing
that happened, after Bobby had been
with me only a day or so—1 named him

Bobby, after the son I never had.”

This seemed warped to me, but I'm
not paid to make judgments on the taste
of civilians 1 come across in an investiga
lion, 1 nodded in silence. But he
wouldn't let well enough alone

“I guess that seems warped to you?”
he asked.

“Frankly, it does,” I answered. “It's а
snake, after all."

"To hell with you,” he said. "Its my
life.” Suddenly, welled from his
eyes and he took a balled handkerchief
from а back pocket and daubed at his
[ET

Turned on you, did he?" I asked, not
without sympathy. “Well, console your
self with this thought: that then he was
behaving like a real son. | did it to my
er, it broke
his heart to seea boy of his become a cop.

own dad. As an old bootleg:

Wayne stopped sniffling

an almost cruel look. "No.
was not that way at all, But if y
let me tell my story. Where was

Giving evaporated milk to
said L "But first tell me, W
there a show көпірі
mention thus [ar that we were standing
backstage in the dim light of one naked
bulb?

He sneered.

7" Have 1 failed to

“Don't vou know мете
dark on Sundays?"

I gave it back to him: “I got more
important things to do than memorize
showbiz schedules and jargon.”

He went on.

In a day or so. Bobby
was helping himself to the evaporated
milk, Next, he found some doughnuts 1
hi

brung along. and darn if he didn't
ggle through one and make like a
Hula Hoop. you know

That right?" 1 scowled, but actually
[thought it was pretty cute.

w

“I got to admit.” he said, "I thought it
y

was pretty cute, even though he

ruined the doughnut by g

ng it going
ing

so fast it would shoot over his head,

inst the wall and break apart. 1 gu

al
dever, because the next thing I knew,
he began to elaborate on the trick. He'd
switch on the transistor radio 1 had back

L showed him | thought that was r

there, get some music to accompany the
Hula Hoop act, and he'd really go to
town. You know what happened next,
don’t you?”

Haven't the slightest idea.” 1 shivered
a little. The theater was cold backstage,
and awfully shabby. 1 don't know why
they cll Broadway glamorous.

Wayne must have noticed my shiver,
for at this point, he pulls a fat boule
from the back pocket of his rumpled old

Give her a food processor.
. Orgive her a present.

Nothing feels like giving real gold.
Ask for it by name.
Karat Gold Jewelry.

PLAYBOY

338

gray pants. “Take a pull on this, sonny.

T wiped off the mouth of the bottle
with a twist of my palin and took a swi;
I suppose it was muscatel. Vicious stuff.

The old doorman reclaimed the bottle
and drank a good quarter of its rema
contents in one breath, Then he said,
ГИ admit to having a taste for the juice.
That's why my own creer went no
place. 1 was a pretty fair hoofer in my
day—awhen 1 could stand up.”

I realized belatedly that the old codger
had been about two thirds drunk when
1 began to talk to him.

“OK,” 1 nevertheless persisted, "so the
snake developed an act using doughnuts
like a Hula Hoop.

Wayne nodded. "But they was too
brittle, so he switched to bagels. But
long about now. he finds a bottle I had
put aside for а rainy day, gets the cap
off and has а taste. Well, sir. he finds he
don't mind if he takes another, and it
t long before you got a little reptile
lush." :

I made a joke. “A sna
snakes, huh?”

But Wayne scowled. “He'd get r
surly when he had a skinful, I tell you.
There was no living with him at such
times. Trouble was. though Bobby got
better and better at his act, I didn't 4
ask anybody to come to my little hide-
away to watch him perform.” He took

nother blast [rom his boule, “They'd
think 1 was having d.ts.”

who sees

'd be right, you old bum," I
said in disgust. “Get me over here on a
Sunday afternoon to tell a drunken lie
about a dancing snake. I ought to work
you over.” But part of this, anyway, was
for the purpose of provoking him. Lor
experience with anim 1 prepared
me to believe they are capable of any-
and 1 am, for example, personally
convinced that a number of unsolved
es could be explained if we found
the animals involved.

In answer, Wayne took a battered w
let from his hip pocket. He found a
snapshot within and handed it to me.
The photograph was blurred to start
with and had since acquired ù patina of
dirt and oil, but its subject could be dis-
cerned clearly enough: à snake, standing
оп his tail About hallway along his
length was a blurry thing that could have
been a whirling doughnut or bagel.

“AML right," I said, “but dont think
that’s conclusive proof. It could be faked.
Theres а funny smell to this whole
thing, if you ask me. I'm beginning 10
suspect that if you did have this snake,
it was long, long ago, but in your drunk-
en stupor, you've got the idea it all
happened only yesterday.

He stared silently at me for a long
moment, through bleary eyes. Then he
said sorrowfully: "OK."

“You're admitting it?”

“Naw, I just pity
“What do you know?

1 һе.

“They're my Christmas cards.”

"I don't want to be hardhearted,” Т
said, “but you're going to have to do a
lot better than you have so far in credi-
bility. If this is. where is he
now? More import
you accusing him of?" I expla
if he's wandered away and got lost. or
he's been stolen, that’s not our business.
We're called in ошу for animals that are
suspected. of. comm
the term in the widest sens
nor just four-footed creatures. bur. also
fowl, amphibians, fish, even insects. You
might be surprised to know that a signifi-
cant number of vicious criminal acts are
committed each year by such commonly
overlooked creatures as centipedes. silver

fish, and so on, and I don't think you'd

alley with a grasshopper who had gone
bad; they're fast and they re те

He was not impressed by this informa-
tion. He resumed his narrative. "Unless

h. So I
went to the producer of tlie show and
told him about the little snake, crazy as
it seemed, and lo and behokl, Wr.
listened to me but.
when 1 was done, he says. "Come on. let's
audition him" So before he changed his
mind, I went to my hideaway to get
Bobby." He stopped, got out his pmt
nd drained it dry before resuming.
That was yesterday afternoon.”
ее
So Bobby was gone, and so were a
number of my valuables, which I had
kept tucked away back there: diamond
ring, silver- handled ebony cane”
"Yeah, yeah,” 1 said, "and your wallet
ining a thousand

con n hundreds, no
doubt. Wayne, if you ever had a ring, it
went to the pawnbrokers years ago, along
with your silver-handled cane. The truth
is that the combination of the muscatel
and your loneliness today in this empty
theater has resulted in this snakcand-
bull story."

He lowered his rheumy eyes and with
1 nod seemed to admit the justice of
count, "You going to run mc in,

ам

Jo. Wayne. I told you I deal only
with animal perpetrators. It’s tue that
you've got a summons coming. taking up
my time when I should have been out on
cat patrol—tor some reason, felines com
mit most felonies on Sunday—but I'd
have to go to the trouble of getting a
regular cop, and, frankly, you're not
h it" 1 glared at him, but he was
looking past me

I tuned. and there was the
snake, on the floor just beyond
body was encircled by а di
just behind his head. a loop of
1. he clasped the ebony cane with the
silver handle, drawing it along
wake.

“Bobby!” cried the old stage-door man.

As if in answer, the snake somehow

wor

little
His
mond ring

|! his

The Season Belongs to Jantzen

Holiday Warmth.
INEM epe ee Уут:

thar a Jantzen cablekni ater would machine w Wintuk Orlon
do handsomely, chank you About $29 to $35.

339

PLAYBOY

340

the cane and wound himself
around it, balancing it erect on its tip!
Now, that was quite a feat, in my book.
I passed my hands through the air above
him, but no invisible wires were there
for support, nor was the cane embedded
in a hole in the floor

“Ву Godfrey, Wayne,"
I'm impressed.

So am 1,” said he
ned that one That's what
he's been doing for the past day. 1 feel
lousy about calling you in, Sergeant.
Not on your tintype.” I said enthu-
lly. "I wouldn't have wanted to
Lets give him the hand he

raised

I admitted,

“He must have
in secret

siastic

miss this.
deserves.”

So the two of us gave Bobby an ovation
that would have done credit to a whole
audience, and you can be sure he took
more than one bow. Then Wayne pr
duced a stale bagel and Bobby performed
his Hula Hoop stunt

"He's even better than you said," 1
told Wayne, who had broken out an
other pint. Perhaps it was my heightened
but this batch of muscatel was a
the first. D had
and then Wayne wet his own

mood,
great improvement over
a drink,
whistle

What do you think
“Hasn't he

* he asked, nod

ding toward Bobby carned

one?"

1 cer
Well, the boule went around the three

nly agreed to that

BREWED AND BOTTLED IN CANADA,

of us, and it wasn't long before there
none left. so 1 went out and up
the street to see a guy who owed me one,
and brought back a treat of my own, and
so we killed that Sunday afternoon,

.

1 had a thick tongue
of pain next day, and
in a foul mood on Monday
having spent Sunda
Nevertheless. 1 told him my story

When I concluded, he simply stared
at me, silently and without expression

"Mark my words," I said, “Bobby will
make it one of these days. Just remember
you heard it here first.”

I'll remember,” Fogarty said dully
You're being sarcastic, aren't you?

Наһар

Bat he was, I know he was. He's that
contrary type who, if they really agree
with you, won't show it, but always say
yes when they're sure you have made a
fool of yourselt.

1 produced that blurred photograph
of Bobby in action, which I had begged
Irom Wayne.

"Looks like
riner

was

and a head full
ogarty is always

morning.
his in-laws.

with

real cute pet,” said my
"But where would an old rum.
man get

ring and a silver handled cane

my of a stage-door diamond

n't try to take the magic
away from this, Fogarty!
got property
maybe they weren't real diamond and

I sighed. “I
Pop probably

them [rom the room,

real silver. What does it matter? That's

not the point! This is the enchanted
world of showbiz. Performing animals
are a breed apart. They should be

granted a little more 1
plow horse or milch cow.

My partner's eyelids had become very
heavy. "So what about the charg

“Huh?

“That the serpent was allegedly harass
ing this actress.”

А tiny man was running
forth inside my
walls with a baseball bat. But I can't say
this was my virgin hangover. Maybe 1
had been hitting the sauce a little
Was that what Fc
trying to tell me

itude than your

back and

canium, banging its

too

much lately

arty was

But you get to thinking negative in my

line of work and you're finished.

Ever hear of a bum rap, Fogarty?" T
shot a finger toward his chest. "Let's face
it, you're jealous! When was the last time

you discovered a headliner of the futur

Sure you did, Vinnie. Sure you did,
said my partner

The trouble with Fogarty is that he
came to me off the special task force
against muggers. He spent too many
nights wandering through the park as a
decoy, we dress, a wig and a sock-
stuffed bra. Say what you want, that kind
of thing makes its ma

a

k on a man.

Thirsting
for the best
af Canada?

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The GE Computer Radio.
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342

PLAYBOY POTPOURRI

people, places, objects and events of interest or amusement

PICK A PAIR
This wild and crazy coat rack and matching
magazine rack are the specialty of Duck Wood-
works, a small company operating out of 6009
Muckland Avenue, Réd Creek, New York 13143,
which sells these well-stacked wares for $74.50
each, postpaid. For your money, we think you
should know the breasts are made of cherrywood
and the nipples are of rare bubinga. (That's
African rosewood.) All we can say is that it must
get very lonely up there in Red Creek.

THE LATEST GAMBLE
If you're looking for unusual gambling curiosa,
East Coast Casino Antiques, P.O. Box 247,
Fishkill, New York 12 the place to write to.
The latest catalog (which costs $4) is stuffed
with such oddball goodies as а $3995 six-foot-tall
wooden Western figure that houses a restored
slot machine and ап 1890-period kneespread.
holdout card-cheating device for $1350. Or, if
you've lost most of your money playing against
loaded dice, there arc less expensive items, too.

RISING MARKET IN BALLOONS

Steve Martin helped repopularize the art of air sculpture when he
made wild and crazy balloon animals on The Tonight Show. And
now you, too, friends, can create kangaroos, camels, poodles and
even the ever-popular anteater, by sending just $12 to ВаПоопасу.
9190 North Beverly Glen Boulevard, Bel Air, California 90024, for
an air-sculpture kit containing plenty of balloons and full in
structions. Sorry, no balloon arrow through head is included.

BOOKING A
FANTASY

It's the stuff that dreams
are made of—you the
hero of a hardcover
publication, The Great-
est Book in the World,
containing four ego-
tripping chapters
featuring you as a

„ world's greatest
lover, politician, sci-

(choose any four). The
whole production is
the brain child of Fa
blications, а com:
pany at 391 Steel
Road West, U А
Markham, Ontario L3R.
SWL, and it sells for
95, postpaid
at size will never
be the same.

1 WILLIAM

DOWELL

|

MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING
Do you know the name of Radar O'Reilly's
favorite brand of soda pop, of Pugsley's
(The Addams Family) pet octopus or what's
so important about the date November

11. 1918? The answers to these and other
hits of trivia can be found in a nice little
monthly publication, Trivia Unlimited,
that's $12 for a year's subscription sent to
P.O. Box 5913, Lincoln, Nebraska

68505. In case you care, the initials on

MG sports cars stand for Morris Garages.

GOING LIKE 50
Out of the West comes news of a revolu-
tionary new 50-speed bicycle that is
claimed to hold all U.S. individual time-
trial records of more than 25 miles.
Called the Facet BioCam (it’s manufac-
tured by Facet Cycle, P.O. Box 50!
2929 East Apache, Tulsa, Oklahoma
74150), the bike is geared for long-distance
touring—and bank accounts that are
long in balances, too, as prices range from
51200 for a frame /drive to $1900 for a
model that’s ready to roll

HOLLYWOOD CUTUP

You may not be aware of it, but.
the humongous norrvwoop sign
perched in the hills above Tin-
seltown ain't what it used to be,
The original sign, demolished

in 1978, now belongs to Hank
Berger, a 29-year-old entrepre-
neur who's selling mounted

and framed 1 5/16-indh-square
numbered commemorative
picces—along with a Seal of
Authenticity from the Holly-
wood Chamber of Commerce—
for only $32, postpaid, sent to
Hank Berger Enterprises, 6845
Alta Loma Terrace, Hollywood,
California 90068. By the way,
Het himself chipped in big shek-
dls toward the new sign—so

let's hear it for Hollywood!

IT'S GREEK TO US
There's more to the glory of
Greece than downing double
shots of ouzo in some sleazy
Athens laverna, as you'll discover
if you sign on the two-week
Homeric Tour that Free Spirits
Travel, 612 North Michigan
Avenue, Chicago, Ilinois 60611,
is offering next May and June.
Traditional sights include the
Temple of Zeus and Hadrian's
Arch, but then it's on to Spal
Kalamata, Olympia, Delphi,
Meteora, Salonica and Ther-
mopylac—all for $1425 to $1695
(including air fare), depending

on the dates you pick. Inciden-

tally, don't Jet the name Fr
Spirits fool you; the drinks are
on you and the same goes for
smashed plates and glasses.

NO CLIPPING PENALTY
Remember the rhyme that ends
with "Hang your clothes on a
hickory limb, and don't go near
the water"? That’s smart advice,
whether you're taking the

plunge in the old swimming hole
next summer or jetting down

to St. Thomas this weekend, be-
cause when you resurface. you
probably won't find your bathing
suit where you left it. Now the
good news: С.І. Gifts, Р.О. Box
1516, Manchester, Massachusetts
01944, is selling a Skinny Dip
Clip for $6.50, postpaid. All you
do is slip into the water, attach
your suit to the clip and it bobs
about with you, safe from
marauding teenagers and kinky
dogs. Incidentally, the clip also
floats with two suits attached.

PLAYBOY

344

Sl
(continued from page H2)

“The ship had been monitoring Victor's brain-wave
patterns and knew that something had gone wrong.”

dirt was piled highest: bending down. he
poked at a board . . . he poked with a
trowel and then he thought, Where did
1 get this trowel? 1 didn't have it a minute
"The board crumbled against the
trowel. This whole house is collapsing,
he realized. Christ sake. I better tell
Martine.

Going back upstairs, the wine forgot-
ten, he started to say to her that the

foundation of the house was danger-
ed: but Martine was nowhere
And nothing cooked on the

stove. no pots, no pans. Amazed. he put
nd on the stove and found it cold.
л she just now cooking? he asked
himself.

he said loudly.
se. Except for himself. the
тру, he thought,
God. He scated
kitchen table and lelt the
chair give slightly under him: it did not
bur he felt it, he fel the

No respa
house was empty.

give much,

id, he thought. Where did she

He returned to the living room. Maybe
she went next door to |
ices or butter or somethin;
d. Nonetheless, р

row some
he rea-

filled hii

nic now

He looked at the poster. Tt was un-
framed. And the edges had been torn.

1 know she framed it, he thought: he
ran across the room to it. to examine it
closely. Faded . . . the
had faded: he could scarcely m:
She insisted on and
glaretree, reflection-f
isn't framed and its
precious thing we own!

Suddenly, he found himself crying. It
amazed him, his tears. Martine is gone:
the poster is deteriorated: the house is
crumbling away: nothing is cooking on
the stove. This is terrible, he thought
And I don't nnderstand it.

.

The ship understood it. The ship
| been carefully monitoring Victor
mings’ brainwave patterns, and the
ship knew that something ha
ong. The wave forms showed agi
t get him out of this
1 will him
does the flaw li
nt in the ma

under
But it

most

feed circuit or
decided. Whi
itself. Worry dor
. Perhaps if 1

; under-

lying ans

signal. 1

у the
use the same source but

will
amp up the charge. What has happened

is that massive sublimin; 1 insecui

"He'sa corporate eunuch, but he’s incredible in bed.”

d. in his

is not mine but lies, inst
psychological п

I will try an сагі əd in his life.
the ship decided. Before the neurotic
anxieties got laid down.

.

In the back yard, Victor scrutinized a
bee that had gotten itself trapped in a
spider's web. The spider wound up the
bee with great care. That's wrong. Vic-
thought. ГИ let the bee loose. Reach-
ng up, he took hold of the encapsulated
drew it from the web and, scruti-
ng it carefully, began to unwrap it
The bee stung | it felt like a
іше patch of Ila

Why did it sting me? he wondered. I
was letting it go.

He went indoors to his mother and
told her, but she did not listen: she was
watching telev His finger hurt
where the bee had stung it, but, more
important. he did not understand why
the bee would rescuer. ] won't
nself.

." his mother
ching the

dismayed and he [elt a h
small living things, because they were
dumb. They didn't have any sense.
He left the house, played for a time
his swings. his slide, in his sandbox
the to the garage, because

he h nge flapping, whirring
sound, like a kind of fan. Inside the
gloomy garage, he found that a bird was

st the cobwebbed rea
window. trying to get out. Below it, the
cat, Dorky, leaped and leaped, trying to
reach the bird.

He picked up the cat: the cat extended

its body and its front legs. it extended
its jaws and bit into the bird. At once,
the cat serambled down and ran off
with the still-flutiering bird

Victor ran into the house. “Dorky
caught а bird!" he told his mother

“That godd
the broom

The cat had concealed itself under the
bramblebushes: she could not reach it
тп going to get rid of
nother said.

Victor did not tell her that he had
1 for the cat to catch the bir

rky out from her
e; Богу was crunching up
he could hear the sound of

nd tried to pry Di
hiding pl
the

brea = bones, small bones, He felt
a strange leeling, as if he should tell his

mother w
told her, sh
do that ag:
face, he rea

he had done, and yet, if he
would punish him. I won't
n, he said to himself. His.
zed, had turned red. What
if his mother figured it ow? What if
she had some secret way of knowing?
Dorky couldn't tell her and the bird was

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dead. No опе would ever know. He was
safe.

But he felt bad, That night, he could
not eat his dinner. Both his parents
noticed. They thought he was sick; they
took his temperature. He said nothing
about what he had done. His mother
told his father about Dorky and they
decided 1o get rid of Dorky. Seated at
the table, listening, Victor began to cr

“All right,” his father said gent
won't get rid of her. It’s natural for a
cat to catch a bird.”

The next day, he sat playing in his
sandbox. Some plants grew up through.
the sand. He broke them off. Later, his
mother told him that had been a wrong
thing to do.

Alone in the back yard, in his sand-
bos, he sat with a pail of water, forming
a small mound of wet sand. The sky,
which had been blue and clear, became
by degrees overcast. A shadow passed
over him and he looked up. He sensed a
presence around him, something vast
that could think.

You are responsible for the death of
the bird, the presence thought; he could
understand its thoughts,

"I know,” he said. He wished, then,
that he could die. That he could replace
the bird and die for it, leaving it as it
had been, fluttering against the cob-
webbed window of the garage.

The bird wanted to fly and cat and
live, the presence thought.
сз,” he said, miserably.

You must never do that again, the
presence told him.
I'm sorry,” he

id, and wept.
.

‘This is a very neurotic person, Ше ship
realized. I am having an awful lot of
trouble finding happy memories. There
too much fear in him and too much
guilt. He has buried it all, and yet it
still there, worrying him like a dog
worrying a rag. Where can I go in his
memories to find him solace? I must
come up with ten years of memories, or
his mind will be lost.

Perhaps, the ship thought, the error
that I am making is in the area of choice
on my part; I should allow him to select
his own memories, However, the ship
realized, this will allow an clement of
fantasy to enter. And that is not usually
good. Still... -

I will try the segment dealing with his
first marriage once again, the ship
decided. He really loved Martine. Per-
haps this time, if I keep the intensity of
the memories at a greater level, the en-
tropic factor can be abolished. What
happened was a subtle vitiation of the
remembered world, a decay of structure.
I will try to compensate for that, So be it.

.

“Do you suppose Gilbert Shelton real-
ly signed this?” Martine said pensively;
she stood before the poster, her arms
folded; she rocked back and forth slight-
ly, as if seeking a better perspective on
the brightly colored drawing hanging

“I wouldn't leave the watch on
unless it's shockproof.”

on their living-room wall. "I mean, it
could have been forged. By a dealer
somewhere along the line. During Shel-
ton's lifetime or after.

“The letter of authentication,” Victor

Kemmings reminded her.
Oh, that's right” She smiled her
warm smile. "Ray gave us the letter that
gocs with it. But suppose the letter is a
forgery? What we nced is another letter
ifying that the first letter is authen-
tic.” Laughing, she walked away from
the poster.

"Ultimately," Kemmings said, "we
would have to have Gilbert Shelton here
to personally testify that he signed it.

"Maybe he wouldn't know. There's
that story about the man taking the Pi-
сазо picture to Picasso and asking him if
it was authentic, and Picasso immediately
signed it and said, "Now it’s authentic.’ ~
She put her arm around Kemmings and,
standing on tiptoe, kissed him on the
cheek. “It’s genuine. Ray wouldn't have
given us a forgery. He's the leading ex-
pert on counterculture art of the Twen-
tieth Century. Do you know that he
owns an actual lid of dope? It's preserved
under- г
ay is dead,” Victor said

"What?" She gazed at him in aston
ishment. "Do you mean something hap-
pened to him since we last"

"He's been dead two years,” Kemmings
said. “I was responsible. I was driving the
buzz car. I wasn’t cited by the police, but
it was my fault."

"Ray is living on Mars!" She stared at
him.

"I know I was responsible. I never told
you. I never told anyone. I'm sorry. I
didn't mean to do it. I saw it flapping
against the window, and Dorky was try-
ing to reach it, and I lifted Dorky
ир. and I don't know why. but Dorky
grabbed i"

“Sit down, Victor." Martine led him to
the overstuffed chair and made him seat
himself. “Something's

“I know,” he said.
is wrong. I'm responsible for the taking
of a life, a precious life that can never be
replaced. I'm sorry. I wish I could make
it OK, but I can't.
After a pause, Martine said, "Call
Ray."

“The cat —-" he said.

"What cat?”

"There." He pointed. "In the poster.
On Fat Freddy's lap. Thats Dorky.
Dorky killed Ray."

Silence.

"The presence told me," Kemmings
said. "It was God. I didn't realize it at
time, but God saw me commit the

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"God sees everything you do," said

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348

gs. "He secs even the falling
row. Only, in this case, it didn't f
it was grabbed. Grabbed out of the air
and torn down. God is tearing this house
down which is my body, to pay me back
for what Гуе donc. We should have had
a building contractor look this house
over before we bought it. It's just falling
goddamn to pieces. In a year, there won't
be anything left of it. Don't you believe
me

Martine faltered, “1-
“Watch.” Kemmings reached up his
rms toward the ceiling; he stood; he
reached; he could not touch the ceiling.
He walked to the wall and then, after а
pause, put his hand through the wall.
Martine screamed.
.

‘The ship aborted the memory retrieval
astantly, But the harm had been don
He has integrated his early fears and
into one interwoven grid, the ship
d to itself. There is no way I can serve
up a pleasant memory to him, because he
istantly contaminates it. However pleas-
ant the original experience in itself was.
This is a serious situation, the ship de
cided. The man is already showing signs
of psychosis. And we are h
trip: years lie ahead of him.

After allowing itself time to think the
through, the ship decided to

ation
contact Victor Kemmings once more.

“Mr. Kemmings,” the ship said.

"Em sorry,” Keinmings said. "E didn't
an to foul up those retrievals. You did
a good job, but I—

“Just a moment,” the ship said. “I a
not equipped to do psychiatric reco
struction of you; I am a simple mech
nism, that’s all. What is it you want?

m

Where do you want to be and what do

you want to be doing?
“I want to arri our destination,"
Kemmings said. "I want this trip to be
over."
Ah, the ship thought. That is the solu-
tion.

E

One by one, the cryonic systems shut
down. One by one, the people returned
to lile, among them Victor Kemmings.
What amazed him was the lack of a sense
of the passage of timc. He had entered
the chamber, lain down, had felt the
membrane cover him and the tempera-
ture begin to drop:

And now he stood on the ship's exter-
nal platform, the unloading platform.
ing down at a verdant planetary land-
scape. This, he realized, is LRAsix, the
colony world to which 1 have come in

order to begin a new life.
Looks good,
side him said.

Yes," he said, and felt the newness of
n, its promise
g better than 1

Tam a

yset woman be-

the landscape rush up at h

ofa be;
had ki

aning. Sometli

fresh person in a fresh world, he thought.
And he felt glad.

Colors raced at lı like those of a
Child's semi ic kit. St. Elmo's fire,
he x t's right; there is a great
deal of ionization in this planet's atmos-
phere. A free light show, such as they
had back in the 20th Century.

"Mr. Kemmings" a voice said. An
elderly man had come up beside him, to
speak to him. "Did you dream?"

"During the suspension?”
id. “No, not that 1 can remember.
“I think I dreamed,” the elderly man
iid. "Would you take my arm on the
descent ramp? I [cel unsteady. The air
seems thin. Do you find it thin?” қ

"Don't be afraid," Kemmings said to
him. He took the elderly man's arm. “ГІ
help you down the ramp. Look: there's a
guide coming this way. He'll arrange
our processing for us; is part of the
package. We'll be taken to a resort hotel
and given first-class accommodations.
Read your brochure." He smiled at the
uneasy older man to reassure him.

“You'd think our musdes would be
nothing but flab after ten ycars in sus-
pension," the elderly man said.

“Is just like freezing peas,” Kem-
mings said. Holding on to the timid
older man, he descended the ramp to the
ground. “You
you get them cold enough

“My name's Shelton," the elderly шап
said.

"What?" Kemmings said, halting,
ge feeling moved through him.

"Don Shelton." The elderly man сх-
tended his hand; reflexively, Kemmings
accepted it and they shook. "What's the
uer, Mr. Kemmings? Ате you all

Kemmings

an store them forever if

siran

to get something to eat. I'd like
to get to our hotel, where I can take a
shower and change my clothes." He won
dered where their baggage could be
found. Probably it would take the ship
n hour to unload it. The ship was not
ticularly intelligent.

In an intimate, confidential tone, cld-
erly Mr. Shelton said, "You know what
1 brought with me? A boule of Wild
"Turkey bourbon. The finest bourbon on
Earth. I'll bring it aver to your hotel
room and well share it.” He nudged
Kemmings.

“I don't drink,” Keminings
wine." He wondered if there were any
good wines here on this distant colony
world. Not distant now, he reflected. It
is Earth th nt. I should 1
done like Mr. Shelton and brought a few
bottles with me.

Shelton. What did the name remind
him of? Something in his far past, in his
carly years. Something precious, along
with good wine and a pretty, gentle
young woman making crepes in an old-

id. "Only

e

fashioned kitchen. Aching memorics;
memories that hurt.

Presently, he stood by the bed in his
hotel room, his suitcase open; he had
begun to hang up his clothes. In the cor-
ner of the room, a TV hologram showed
newscaster; he ignored it, but liking
the sound of a human voice, he kept it
on.

Did I have any dreams? he
self. During these past ten years;

His hand hurt. Gazing down, he saw
red welt, as if he had been stung. A bee
stung me, he realized. But when? How?
While 1 lay in cryonic suspension? Im-
possible. Yet he could see the welt and he
could feel the pain. I'd better get some-
thing to put on it, he realized. There's
undoubtedly a robot doctor in the hotel;
it’s a first-rate hotel.

When the robot doctor arrived and
began treating the bec sting. Kemmings
tid, “I got this as punishment for kill-
ing the bird.”

"Really?" the robot doctor said.

“Everything that ever meant anything
to me has been taken away from me,
Kemmings said. “Martine, the poster—
my little old house with the wine cellar.
We had everything and now it's gon
Martine left me because of the bird."

“The bird you killed,” the robot
doctor said.

"God punished me. He took away all
that was precious to me because of m.
sin Dr wasn't Dor z it was my s

"But you were just a little boy," the
robot doctor sa

“How did you know that?" Kemmings
said. He pulled his hand away from the
robot doctor's grasp. “Something's wrong.
You shouldn't have known that."

“Your mother told me,” the robot doc-
tor said.

Ty mother didn't know!”

The robot doctor said, “She figured it
out, There was no way the cat could have
reached the bird without your help.”

So all the time that I was growing up.
ew. But she never said anything.”
ou can forget about the robot
doctor said.

Kemmings said, “I don't think you
exist. There is no possible way that you
could know these things. Im still in
cryonic suspension and the ship is still
feeding me my own buried memories. So
I won't become psychotic from sensory
deprivation
You could hardly have a memory of
completing the wip.”

“Wish fulfillment, then. It’s the same
thing. I'll prove it to you. Do you have a
screwdriver?

ked him-

she

g5 said, “ЕП remove the back
of the TY set and you'll sce; there's noth-
ing inside it, no components, no parts,
no chassis—nothing."

1 don't have a screwdriver.”
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your surgical-supply bag.” Bending,
Kemmings lifted up a small scalpel.
"This will do. If I show you, will you
believe me

f ther
пес

's nothing inside the TV cabi-

Kemmings removed
the screws holding the back panel of the
TV set in place. The panel came loose
and he set it down on the floor.

There was nothing inside the TV cabi-
net. And yet the color hologram contin-
ued to fill a quarter of the hotel room
and the voice of the newscaster issued
forth from his three-dimensional image.
Admit you're the ship," Kemmings
said to the robot doctor.

“Oh, dear,” the robot doctor said.

.

Оһ, «сағ, the ship said to itself, And
I've got almost ten years of this lying
ahead of me. He is hopelessly contami-
nating his experiences with childhood
guilt; he imagines that his wife left him
hecause, when he was four years old, he
helped a cat catch a bird. The only solu-
tion would be for Martine to return to
him; but hos am I going to arrange that?
She may not still be alive. On the other
hand, the ship reflected, maybe she is
alive. Maybe she could be induced to do
something to save her former husband's
sanity. People by and large have very
positive traits. And ten years from now,
it will take а lot to save—or, rather, re-

Squatting down

store—his sanity; it will take something
drastic, something I myself cannot do
alone.

Meanwhile, there was nothing to be
done but recycle the wish-fulfillment ar-
rival of the ship at its destination. I will
run him through the arrival, the ship
decided, then wipe his conscious memory
clean and run him through it again. The
only positive aspect of this, it reflected,
is that it will give me something to do,

which may help preserve my sanity
Lying in cryonic suspension faulty
ауопіс suspension—Victor Kemmings
imagined, once again, that the ship was
touching down and he was being brought.
back to consciousness
"Did you dream?" а heavy-set woman
asked him as the group of passengers
gathered on the outer platform. "I have
the impression that I dreamed. Early
.over a century

scenes from my life
ago.”

"None that ] can remember," Kem-
mings said. He was cager to reach his
hotel; a shower and a change of clothes
would do wonders for his morale. He felt
ghtly depressed and wondered wh
s our guide," an elderly lady
They're going to escort us to our
accommodations."

“It's in the package," Kemmings said.
His depression. remained. "The others
seemed so spirited, so full of life, but
over him only a weariness lay, a weighing-

down sensation, as if the gravity of this
colony-planet were too much for him.
Maybe that's it, he said to himself, But
according to the brochure, the gravity
here matched Earth’s; that was one of the
attractions.

Puzzled, he made his way slowly down
the ramp, step by step, holding on to the
rail. I don't really deserve a new chance
at life anyhow, he realized. I'm just going
through the motions . . . I am not like
these other people. There is something
wrong with me; I cannot remember what
it is, but, nonetheless, it is there. In me
A bitter sense of pain. Of lack of worth

An insect landed on the back of Kem-
mings’ right hand, an old insect, weary
with flight. He halted, watched it crawl
across his knuckles. I could crush it, he
thought. It’s so obviously infirm; it won't
live much longer, anyhow.

He crushed it—and felt great inner
horror. What have I done? he asked him-
self. My first moment here and I have
wiped out a little life. Is this my new
beginning?
irning, he gazed back up at the ship.
Maybe I ought to go back, he thought.
Have them freeze me forever. I am
man of guilt, a man who destroys. Т
filled his eyes

And within its sentient works, the in-
terstellar ship moaned.

.

During the ten long years remaining
uf the wip to the ШАЯ system, the ship
had plenty of time to wack down Mar
tine Kemmings. It explained the situa
tion to her. She had emigrated to a vast
orbiting dome in the Sirius system, found

her situation unsatisfactory and was cn
route back to Earth. Roused from her
own cryonic suspension, she listened
intently and then agreed to be at the
colony world at LR4 when her ex-
husband arrived—it it was at all possible.

Fortunately, it was possible.

“L dont think hell recognize me."
Martine said to the ship. “I've allowed
myself to age. 1 don't really approve of
entirely halting the aging process.”

Hell be lucky if he recognizes any-
thing, the ship thought

At the intersystem spaceport on thc
colony world of LR4, Martine stood
waiting for the people aboard the ship
to appear on the outer platform. She
wondered if she would recognize her for
mer husband. She was а little afraid, but
she was glad that she had gotten to LR4
n time. It had been close. Another week
and his ship would have arrived before

hers. Luck is on my side, she said to her-

self, and scruti
interstellar ship
Pcople appeared on the platform. She
saw him. Victor had changed very little.
As he came down the ramp, holding
on to the railing as if weary and hesitant,
she went up to him, her hands thrust
deep in the pockets of her coat; she felt

nized the newly landed

shy, and when she spoke, she could hard-
ly hear her own voice.

“Hi, Victor,” she managed to say.

He halted, gazed at her. "1 know you,"
he said.
“It's Martine,” she said.
Holding out his hand, he said, smiling,
‘ou heard about the trouble on the
ship?”

The contacted me.” She took his
hand and held it. “What an ordeal.”

“Yeah,” he said. “Recirculating mem-
ories forever. Did I ever tell you about
а bee that I was trying to extricate from
a spider's web when I was four years old?
The idiotic bee stung ше” He bent
down and kissed her. “It's good to see
you,” he said.

Did the ship"

“It said it would try to have you here.
But it wasn't sure if you could make it.”

As they walked toward the terminal
building, Martine said, "I was lucky; I
managed to get a transfer to a military
vehide, a high-velocity-drive ship that
just shot along like a mad thing. A new
propulsion system entirely."

Victor Kemmings said, "I have spent
more time in my own unconscious mind
than any other human in history. Worse
than early Twentieth Century psycho-
analysis. And the same material over and
over again. Did you know I was scared
of my mother

"I was scared of your mother,” Mar-
hey stood at the baggage

tine said.
depot, waiting for his luggage to appear
“This looks like a really nice little plan-
et. Much better than where I was. . . . I
en't been happy at all."

So maybe there's a cosmic plan,” he
id. grinning. “You look great.”

I'm old."

Medical science —

“It was my decision. I like older
people.” She surveyed him. He has been
hurt a lot by the cryonic malfunction,
she said to herself. I can see it in his eyes.
They look broken. Broken eyes. Torn
down into pieces by fatigue and—defeat.
As if his buried, carly memories swam up
and destroyed him. But it's over, she
thought. And 1 did get here in time.

At the bar in the terminal building,
they sat having a drink.
his old man got me to try Wild
Turkey bourbon.” Victor said. “It's
wing bourbon. He says it's the best on
arth. He brought a bottle with him
from. .. .” His voice died into silence.

"One of your fellow passengers," Mar-
tine finished.

“I guess so," he said.

"Well, you can stop thinking of the
birds and the becs,” Martine said.

" he said, and laughed.
g stung by a bee

That cat," Victor said, "has been
dead one hundred and eighty-two years.
I figured it out while they were bringing

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us out of suspension. Probably just as
well. Dorky. Dorky the killer cat. Noth-
ing like Fat Freddy s cat."

I had to sell the poste
said. "Finally.

He frowned.

"Remember?" she said. "You let me
have it when we split up. Which I always
thought was really good of you."

"How much did you get ior
“A Jot. 1 should pay you something
like. “ She calculated. “Taking in-
flation into account, I should pay you
about two million dollars.

"Would you consider," he said, "in-
stead, in place of the money, my share of
the sale of the poster, spending some
time with me? Until I get used to this
planet?

Yes," she said.
Very much

They finished their drinks and then,
with his luggage transported by robot
spacecap, made their way to his hotel
room

And she

meant it.

This is a nice room," Martine said,
perched on the edge of the bed. “And it
has а hologram TV. Turn it on."

There's no use turning it on," Victor
Kemmings said. He stood by the open
closet, hanging up his shirts.

“Why not?”

Kemmings said, "There's nothing in
it.

Going over

to the TV set, Martine

turned it on. A hockey game material-
ized, projected out into the room, in full
color, and the sound of the game assailed
her ears.

“It works fine,” she said.

"I know,” he said. “I can prove it. If
you have a пай file or something, TH
unscrew the back plate and show you

“But 1сап-

“Look at this.” He paused in his work
of hanging up his clothes. "Watch me
put my hand through the wall" Hc
placed the palm o£ his right hand against
the wall. "See?"

His hand did not go through the wall,
because hands do not go through wall
his hand remained. pressed against the
wall, unmoving,

“And the foundation,”
rotting away.”

“Come and sit down by me," Martine
said.

“Гус lived this often enough to know,”
he said. “I've lived this over
again, I come out of suspension: I walk
np: I get my luggage: some-
times I have a drink at the and
sometimes I come directly to my room.
Usually, I turn on the TV and шеп...”
He went over and held his hand toward
her. "Sec where the bee stung me?"

She saw no mark on his hand; she took
his hand and held i

“There is no bee sting there,” she said.

he said,

and over

down the r

“And when the robot doctor comes, I 35]

PLAYBOY

352

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The chip can only he sed at the easiou o

borrow a tool from him and take off the
back plate of the TV set. To prove to
m that it has no chassis, no compo
And then the ship starts me

nents in
ove
she said. “Look at your

"This is the first time you've been
here, though," he said.

“Sit down,” she said.

"OK." He seated himself on the bed,
beside her, but not too close to her.

"Won't you sit closer to me?” she

"It makes me too sad," he said. "Re
membering you. I really loved you. I
wish this was real.

Martine said, ^1 will sit with you until
it is real for you.”

“I'm going to try reliving the part
with the cat,” he said, “and this time not
pick up the cat and not let it get the
bird. If I do that, maybe my Ше will
change so that it turns into something
happy. Something that is real. My real
mistake was separating from you. Her
T'I put my hand through you." He placed
his hand against her arm, The pressure
of his muscles was vigorous; she felt the
weight, the physical presence of him,
against her. "Sec?" he said. “It goes right
through you

“And all this,” she said, “because you
killed a bird when you were a little boy."

"No," he said. "All this because of a
failure in the temperature-regulating as-
sembly aboard the ship. I'm not down to
the proper temperature. There's just
enough warmth left in my brain cells to
permit cerebral activity." He stood up,
then, stretched, smiled at her. "Shall we
go get some dinner?" he asked.

She said, “I'm sorry. I'm not hungry."

“I am. I'm going to have some of the
local seafood. The brochure says it's ter-
tific. Come along, anyhow; maybe when
you sce the food and smell it, you'll
change your mind.

Gathering up her coat and purse, she
went with him.
his is a beautiful little planet,” he
said. "I've explored it dozens of times. 1
know it thoroughly. We should stop
downstairs at the pharmacy for some
Bactine, though. For my hand. It’s be-
ginning to swell and it hurts like hell.”
He showed her his hand. “It hurts more
this time than ever before.”

“Do you want me to come back to
you?” Martine said.

“Are you serious?”

"Yes," she said.
long as you want. I agree;
never have been separated.

Victor Kemmings said, “The poster is
tori

"What?" she said.

“We should have framed it.” he said.
"We didn't have sense enough to take
care of it. Now it's torn. And the artist

is dead."

‘Il stay with you as
we should

A.

4,24 (^) ANT et

353

PLAYBOY

354

Carm Raga

(continued from page 206)

“Hot drinks engender warm feelings—all the way
down—and put a glow on any gathering.”

HOT BUTTERED COFFEE

2 teaspoons brown sugar

14 teaspoon butter

Pinch cach nutmeg and ci

Strip orange rind

11 ozs. bourbon, or to taste

Hot coffee

Combine sugar, butter and spices in
mug and stir until smooth. Add orange
rind and bourbon. Fill with hot coffee;
stir well. (Add cream, if desired.)

namon

FLAMING FINNISH
(30 servings)

Virtually every Scandinavian family

has its own special version of glögg, the

hot spiced wine punch. ‘This flamer is a
Finnish favorite.

Spices: 2 cinnamon sticks, 4 allspice
berries, | piece dried ginger, 5
cardamom pods (cracked), 5 black
peppercorns

8 ozs. water

2 bottles zinfandel, or other dry red
wine

2 bottles madeira (preferably bual)

Peel of | small orange

16 small dried black figs, halved

4 tablespoons brown sugar, or to taste

1 cup blanched almonds

12 ог. aquavit, warmed

Tie spices in gauze or cheesecloth

Place in small pan and add water; boil

“Hey, sailor! Care to see where the whale bit me?”

5 minutes. Remove sp
lightly with spoon to drain water ba
into pan. Combine water, wines, orange
peel, figs and sugar in 6-quart enamel
pot. Heat until just at simmer. Remove
peel; pour heated wine mixture into
large warmed punch bowl. Add almonds.
Pour some aquavit into warmed ladle.
Float remaining aquavit on punch, pour-
ing carefully over back of soupspoon.
Ignite spirits in ladle and dip edge so
that flame catches aquavit in bowl.
Empty rest of aquavit in ladle onto
punch. Let fame for moment, then ex-
inguish. Taste for sweetness. Serve in
punch cups, dipping bit of fig and nut
into each cup.

GETAWAY GROG
(90 servings)

A hospitality swig of Club Getaway's,
the Connecticut version of Club Med.
On brisk days. the grog is kept warm
over an open fire. Guests dip in as the
feeling moves them.

3 quarts country apple cider

% cup dried apple slices

% cup sultana r:

4 pieces stick cinnamon

у lemon, thinly sliced

1% orange, thinly sliced

1 bottle (750 ml.) applejack

Brown sugar or maple sugar, to taste

Combine all ingredients but applejack
and sugar: bring to simmer, Add apple-
jack and remove from heat; stir. "Taste
for sweetness and add sugar, if desired.
(Unlike commercial apple juice, farm
s vary in sweetness.) Serve in mugs
or heavy old fashioned glasses, dipping
some fruit into cach portion.

SIZZLING МАС

1 oz. Scotch
114 ozs. ginger wine
ог. water, or to taste

Slice lime

Combine Scotch, wine and water in
enamel pan and heat. When sizzling, but
not boiling, pour into small goblet or
heatproof stemmed glass. Garnish with
lime. Serve with small pitcher of hot
water so more can be added, if desired.

” CIDER

SEM

5 ois. apple juice
Apple wedge
? cloves

Warm apple juice until simmering.
Stick apple with cloves and place in mug
or cup. Add whiskey: pour in hot apple
juice and serve.

Hot drinks are penetrating and send
a surge of energy to one's finger tips.
toes and other extremities. Start your
party with hot drinks, and who knows
where the evening will end?

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SEX STARS .............

"Winger's writhing made it fairly evident that she
wasn’t fantasizing about machinery.”

Eastwood was tossed into the dirt by
Bronco Billy, though he drew his best
reviews ever as the fey leader of a
broken-down wild West show. Eastwood
fans obviously want him to stay with his
tough-guy image. Burt Reynolds’ follow-
ers were no more eager to sce their good
ol’ boy gussied up and trying to play
Cary Gront in Rough Cut. Reynolds, who
considers himself a serious actor, had
already suffered. the additional humilia-
tion of watching his two co-stars in Start-
ing Over, Candice Bergen and Jill Clayburgh,
get nominated for Oscars while he was
ignored.

The high-powered pairing of Poul New-
men and Jecqueline Bisset couldn't add a
moment to the life of When Time Ran
Out, nor could Netelie Wood and George
Segal save The Last Married Couple in
America. Still struggling for a comeback,
poor Ali MacGraw wound up with one
more sour footnote to her career in Just
Tell Me What You Want.

Steve McQueen, who gets top money
without having had a hit in years,
added two more losers, I, Tom Horn
and The Hunter, to his list. Al Pacino was
daringly good, but in the wrong picturc,
the controversial Cruising; while Jack
Nicholson was daringly bad in The Shining.

On the plus side, Angie Dickinson re-
turned to the big screen in the sexy hit
Dressed to Kill, aking her shower with
her. And Airplane!, while introducing
Robert Hays. proved to be an unconven-
tional career boost to such veterans as
Robert Stack, Leslie Nielsen and Lloyd Bridges

After his disastrous Moment by Mo-
ment, John Travolta regained consider-
able lost ground with Urban Cowboy.
but it still wasn't the big box-office smash
that was expected. Furthermore, Travolta
has to fight for attention in the film
against menacingly sexy Scott Glenn and
yield the movie's raciest scene to new-
comer Debra Winger atop a mechanical
bucking bull. Winger's writhing made it
fairly evident that she wasn't fantasizing
about machinery and it must have pained
the censors a lot to give the picture a PG.
But after all, it wasn't a real bull.

With the economy collapsing, the tick-

et-buying public was obviously more se-
lective in picking among the stars. Movie
buffs, however, were absolute spendthrifts
compared with music fans, who suddenly
stopped buying records and attending
concerts, tossing the industry into a

Nelson's vehicle, Honeysuckle
Rose; Roadie, with Meat Loaf and Deborah
Harry; Allan Carr's Can't Slop the Music,
starring the Village People with the plus

of the pneumatic Volerie Perrine: and
Olivio — Newton-John's — latest feature,
Xanadu—was destined to die in the
summer «oss fire. (The Blues Brothers
was a possible exception, but that pic
ture was more about spectacular car
crashes than about music.)

As their dollars dried up, the music
„ too, almost to
the point of discretion. Contrary to
expectations, Rod Stewart stayed married
all year, to Alana; Cher was scarcely heard
from, while her stormy ex-husband Gregg
Allman settled down in matrimony with
a former cocktail waitress, Julie Bindos.

Only the porno industry showed con-
tinuing strength, which just proves that
passion cannot be controlled by the

pocketbook. Blonde newcomers Jesie St.
James and Seka were both prettier than
usual in several pictures; while Merilyn
Chambers made a welcome return in
Insatiable, taking the time, too, to de-
fend hubby Chuck Traynor against all kinds
of wild accusations from ex-wife linde
Lovelace, who wrote a book claiming he
had forced her to do Deep Throat and
other dirty deeds.

But for every entry in porno, there
must be an exit, and the industry lost
one of its loveliest stars when Nancy
Sviter simply disappeared after a brief
but energetic career, capped by Ecstasy
Girls. That film's other distinction was
that two of its beauties—billed as Lovely
#1 and Lovely #2—were featured often
on marquees and in magazine photos.
despite the fact that they never appear
nude in the picture, much less do any-
thing outlandish. These two straight
actresses, Bonnie Werchan and Jaquita
Johnson, simply showed up in evening
gowns for a poolside party scene, took
the cash and signed the releases—and

“You might have told him to call back another time, rather than,

‘Hold on. I'll be with you in a sec.

э»

357

PLAYBOY

358

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er found to their dismay that they
were porno stars.

Although that may have shocked the
poor girls’ parents, there was little else
going on in Hollywood that would
After a lot of carrying on the year before,
1980 slumped through the slow side of
the scandal cycle. Sure, it was somewhat
amusing that Lee Majors asked buddy
Ryen O'Neal to look alter Farrah while
he was out of town, returning to find
that O'Neal had looked after her ex-
ceedingly well. But Majors and Fawcett
had separated by then and Lee and Ryan
weren't such good friends, anyway.

The incident did bring to mind the
last time great pals split over а lady,
when Glen Campbell stole Sarah Dovis
from Moc. But what gocs around comes
round; Sarah has now dumped Glen
а shown some renewed interest in
, who hasn't quite reciprocated.

Oh, yes, PLAYBOY ran the nude layout
on Suzanne Somers, which would have
been nice and not at all shocking if she
hadn't been so prissy in denying carlier
rumors that she had once shed all for the
chance to be a Playmate. When the
truth came out, Somers explained that
she had done it only as a starving starlet
trying to support her child (the same
excuse she used two ycars ago, when an
old bad-check arrest was exposed). This
time, as then, she came out on top with
a big publicity build-up.

There was, as usual, the string of
broken romances. Burt Reynolds cooled
it with Sally Field, though they remain
friendly. Lovely Lesley-Anne Down wed
Henri Gabriel, an assistant director on her
forthcoming Sphinx—but the union
lasted a matter of months. Erik Estrada
married the older Joyce Miller and dumped
her immediately in a big mess, with her
accusing him of violent threats and of
keeping her clothes. But the only break-
up to Catch the world by total surprise
was Anita Bryant's decision to divorce
manager Bob Green alter 20 years together
meddling in other people's morals.

Looking back, it seems that the most
unusual performers to create a genuine
sexual frenzy across the nation were
those legions of handsome, well-built
gentlemen willing to bare their bodies
nightly for screaming female audiences
in club after club staging special ladics-
only shows. The lads have been pinched,
pulled, groped at, yelled at and whis-
pered to beyond the call of duty, all the
while forbidden by most local laws to
show any physical appreciation—no
matter how much the horny ladies
screamed for more. When their gentle
men friends and husbands are finally
allowed to join them in the clubs, the
women are said to be more than
for action—thanks to the dedication of
these selfless show-business troupers.

And if that’s not a sex star, what is?

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From mono, the 801 creates omnisonic
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PLAYBOY

360

BASKETBALL PREVIEW

(continued from page 254)
Eastern Eight competition with all
its top players back, but the schedule is
considerably upgraded. Jf a good point

guard can be found in pre-season drills,
the Rams could make an impressive
debut.

West Virginia will have to rebuild its

THE EAST

EASTERN EIGHT
1. Pittsburgh 6. West Virginia
2. St. Bonaventure 7. George
3. Rutgers Washington
4. Duquesne 8. Massachusetts
5. Rhode Island

BIG EAST CONFERENCE
1. Georgetown 5. St. John's
2. Syracuse. 6. Boston College
3. Connecticut 7. Seton Hell
4. Villanova. 8. Providence.
EAST COAST CONFERENCE.
1. St. Joseph's 8. American
2. Lafayette 9. Drexel
3. Bucknell 10. Delaware
4, Temple Ш. Lehigh
5. La Salle 12. West Chester
6. Hofstra State
7. Rider
IVY LEAGUE

1. Princeton 5. Yale
2. Pennsylvania 6. Dartmouth
3. Columbia 7. Brown
4, Harvard 8. Cornell

INDEPENDENTS
1. Old Dominion 8. Niagara
2. lona 9. Fordham
3. Nay 10. William & Mary
4. James Madison ll. George Mason
5. Penn State 12. Canisius
6. Holy Cross 13. Army
7. St. Francis 14. Manhattan

TOP PLAYERS: Clancy, Neverson (Pitts-
burgh); Belcher, Jones (St. Bonaventure);
Troy (Rutgers); Dixon (Duquesne); Wright
(Rhode Island); Nance (West Virginia);
Jeffries ene Washington); Viright (Mas-
sachusetts); Floyd (Georgetown); Schayes
(Syracuse); Thompson (Connecticut); Brad-
ley (Villanova); Russell (St. John's); Bagley
(Boston College); Callandrillo (Seton Hall);
Williams (Providence); Williams (St. Jo-
seph's); Whitman (Lafayette); Leslie (Buck-
nell); Parham (Temple); Lynam (La Salle);
Harvey (Hofstra); Coats (Fider); Bowers
(Ami Watzenbeller (Drexel); Tompkins

аге; Най (Lehigh); Pensyl (West
Chester State); Melville (Princeton); Little
(Pennsylvania); Outlaw, Gordon (Columbia);
Fleming (Harvard); Leondis (Yale); Lawrence
(Dartmouth); Erickson (Brown); Allen (Cor-
nell); McAdoo, West (Old Dominion); Ice
(lona); Geshay (Navy); Blackmon (James
Madison); Brickowski (Penn State); Witts
(Holy Cross); Greene (St. Francis); Phillips
(Niagara); Calhoun (Fordham); Barnes (Wil-
liam & Mary); Gaddy (George Mason); Moore
(Canis Coyne (Army); Leonard (Manhat-
ar).

backcourt. At best, the guards will be
inexperienced. Top candidates are sophs
Jones and Diego McCoy, plus
sfer Quentin Freeman.

Graduation cut severe inroads in the

tr;

po

b

Se

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PLAYBOY

362

George Washington team, taking four of
the top six players. Transfer guard Wil-
bert Skipper looks like the best of the
rookies. This campaign will be an uphill
dimb for Massachusetts, which won only
two games last season.

Despite the loss of Craig Shelton and
John Duren, Georgetown will again be
one of the better teams in the Fast.
Freshman guard Fred Brown. a sensa-
tional passer and ball-control artist. will
help ease the loss of Duren. The Hoyas
will still have the benefit of Eric “Sleepy”
Floyd's awesome outside shooting.

The Louie-Bouie show has left town,
but Syracuse retains all the ingredients
for another potent team. Dan Schayes
will inherit Roosevelt Bouic's center job
and transfer Leo Rautins, a former mem-
ber of the Canadian national team, will
strengthen the front court.

The Connecticut team lost only one
starter to graduation. The experience
the squad has garnered, plus the arrival
of center Chuck Aleksinas (a transfer

from Kentucky), should enable the
Huskies to post 20 or more wins.
anova's entry into the Big East

Conference will be a pleasant one if
its bench strength holds up and if
the front-court one-two punch of Alex
Bradley and John Pinone melds.

It be difficult for St. John's to
overcome the loss of guards Reggie
Carter and Bernard Rend Likcly
replacements will be Curtis Redding

A good recruiting scason will give
Boston College a taller team, but the

schedule will be tougher. Seton Hall,
sustaining no graduation losses, will
benefit from gained experience, but
there is still a need for a power man
under the boards and the schedule is
also rough.

St. Joseph's should be the favorite in
the Fast Coast Conference, mostly be-
cause center Marcellus Williams returns.
Also. coach Jim Lynam landed prime
recruits Tony Costner and Lonnie Mc
Farlan, two of the best prep players in
the Philadelphia area. Both Lafayette
and Bucknell sustained severe gradua-
n losses. The same problem will be
largely solved at Lafayette, because new
coach Will Rackley garnered the finest
group of rookies in school history. Buck-
nell will be a team of average players
surrounding onc great performer, guard
AI Leslie.

Temple is the conference dark horse.
The Owls are experienced, quick and
deep, and will be reinforced by three
blue-chip recruits, the best of whom is
Pete Aguilar.

It should bc an off year for La Salle,
because the Explorers lost all of last
winter's top scorers. Hofstra will have а
veteran squad. but Dick Berg is the
third head coach in as many years, and
that can affect any team's stability. The
Rider team will be vastly improved
from accrued experience alone—four
of last scason’s starters were freshmen,
as were four of the first five players
off the bench.

American University will still have
superscorer Boo Bowers and the Eagles
will be reinforced by nugget transfer

“The trouble with Christmas is it's
getting so commercial.”

(from Texas Christian) Mark Nickens.
Drexel, Delaware and Lehigh had mini-
mal graduation losses, and all should be
stronger teams than a year ago. West
Chester State has been playing over its
head in the East Coast Conference in re-
cent years, but athletic director Dick
Yoder is in the process of overhauling the
whole athletic program. It will take a
while.

This year’s Ivy League race should
again be a down-te-the-wire affair
between Princeton and Pennsylvania,
with Columbia playing the dark-horse
role. All three teams had few grad-
uation losses, were very young teams
last season, and will therefore benefit
from their experience. The Princeton
team must improve its game at the of-
fensive end of the court and Pennsyl-
vania must find an adequate replacement
for its only graduated starter, team lead-
er James Salers. Columbia's fortunes
will depend largely on the continued
improvement of Vernon Outlaw (one
of the two dominant big men in the
league) and the contri ns of fresh-
man center Gerome Qu

The Harvard team
disadvantaged by an unusually short
group of players; but, fortunately, the
incoming freshmen are the tallest group
of recruits in school history. Joe Carra-
bino and Monroe Trout appear to be
the best of the lot.

Yale's graduation losses were severe.
Luckily, freshman guard Butch Graves
arrived to soften the loss of Larry Zig-
erelli, who was the Elis’ main man last
winter. Center Tim Daaleman will com-
pete with Columbia's Outlaw for the
honor of being the Ivy's best big man.

Dartmouth will have a much-improved
team because of the return from injury
of forward Larry Lawrence and guard
‘Tony Woods. Add blue-chip freshman
Brian Burke and the win total should
double that of a year ago.

Graduation took the top scorers from
both the Brown and the Cornell teams
and no equivalent replacements are in
the offing at either school. Brown's m;
strength will again be its defensive play.
New Cornell coach Tom Miller has
brought in eight recruits, so chances are
good that there will be a couple of nug-
gets in the group.

Old Dominion should have the win-
ningest te mong the Eastern indi
pendents. The Monarchs’ major assets
will be team ѕрес and quickness, but
a suitable replacement must be found
for the graduated stellar forward Ronnie
Valent her of two recruits, Tom
Perry or Ray Broxton, could fill the
void.

lona's top five players of a year ago
have departed, but there is a bonanza
group of recruits to take their place,
All five starters on this year's squad
could be newcomers. If they get their

nn.
last season was

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PLAYBOY

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act together, lona could be a strong
team by season's end.

Penn State plays а much tougher
schedule than many of the other Eastern.
independents and will likely be much
stronger than some teams with better
records. The пу Lions only weak-
ness is a lack of quickness. If coach Dick
Harter can solve that problem, the Lions
could surprise several supposedly better

teams th Two incoming fresh-
men, Br k Mumma,
should make big contributions.

A strong bench will help Holy Cross
overcome the loss of top gunner Ronnie
Perry. With everyone else ‘ba
could be a good y

St Francis, N
George Mason w
teams and the
will be largely a reflection of the sched-
ule strengths. St. Francis lost only one
starter and the three other teams didn't
lose any.

and
se much-improved
rious won-lost re

For dham

THE MIDWEST
BIG TEN

1. Indiana 6. Purdue
2. Ohio State 7. Michigan
3. lilinois 8. Wisconsin
4. lowa 9. Northwestern
5. Minnesota 10. Michigan State

MID-AMERICAN CONFERENCE
1. Bowling Green 7. Western
2. Northern Ilinois Michigan
3. Toledo 8. Ohio University
4. Ball State 9. Eastern
5. Central Michigan Michigan
6. Kent State 10. Miami

University
CITY SEVEN
1. Evansville 5. Butler
2. Loyola 6. Xavier
3. Oklahoma City 7. Oral Roberts
4. Detroit
INDEPENDENTS

1. DePaul 4. Minois State
2. Notre Dame 5. Dayton.

3. Marquette.

TOP PLAYERS: Thomas, Tolbert (Indian:
iams, Kellogg (Ohio State); Johnsor
Smith (Illinois); Boyle, Arnold (lowa); Mitch-
ell, Breuer (Minnesota); Edmonson (Purdue);
McGee (Michigan); Gregory (Wisconsit

Roberson (Northwestern); Vincent (Mici

State); Irish, Faine (Bowling Green); Ray-
horn (Northern. Illinois); Knuckles (Toledo);
McCallum (Ball State); Robinson (Central
Michigan); Kitchen, Koch (Kent State); Max-
well (Western Michigan); Lehman (Dhio
University); Zatkoff (Eastern Michigan);
Sweigert (Miami University); Leaf, Bullock
(Evansville); Clemons, Sprewer (Loyol
Jackson (Üklahoma City); Davis (Detroit);
Warren (Butler); Hanley, Hicks (Xavier); Pru-
sator (Oral Roberts); Aguirre, Bradshaw,
Cummings (DePaul); Tripucka, Jackson,
Woolridge (Notre Dame); Lee, Wilson
(Marquette); Nussbaumer (Ilinois State);
Montague (Dayton).

The Big Ten has emerged as the dom-
nt conference in college basketball.
The major disadvantage each of its
member teams [aces is the fact that all

must play one another twice every sea-

son. lt all comes down to who beats
whom with a last-second tip-in.

Indiana will be the favorite as the
season opens, largely because of the

impressive veteran talent. The best is
Playboy All-America guard Isiah Thom-
. Isiah is so spectacular that it's hard
to believe what he does, e when you
in in instant replay. He has
n playing the game that the
feeling is infectious; the fans love Isiah
and he loves the fans. Another plus for
the Hoosiers is the unlikely po:
st season's series of in-
flirted: The Digest suenie Ector in
ington is coach Bobby Knight.
Hoosier fans keep holding their breath,
waiting for him to self-destruct à la
Woody Hayes.

na чш falter,

Ohio State

bone of the team for th 1
All-America forward Herb Williams will
пр much of the leadership burdes

and supersoph Clark Kellogg should be

uch improved and more consistent
s maturation

n set a school record

ly be
Last spr

Harper
ld be the
d in the country this
Eddie Joh
could both go in the

round of the NBA. draft next y

‘The Illini bench depth, however, is sus-

pect, so ld wreak havoc.
Iowa's only significant graduation loss

was Ronnie Lester, but the Hawkeyes
iced team, will have excellent
gih, and last winters long
of injuries probably won't recur.
innesota also lost its best player
(Kevin. McHale), but everyone else
back and—just like Iowa—the Gophers
have excellent team h Any im-
provement this year will likely be keyed
to the development of 72"
sophomore Randy Breuer.

Although it will be difficult for the
Purdue team to adjust to the loss of
Joe Barry Carroll, part of the void will
be filled by 611" freshman Russell
Gross, a consensus prep AllAmerica.
New coach Gene Keady plans to install
a three-forward offense to take advan-
tage of the wealth of quality front-court
players.

Michigan was the surprise team of the
Big Ten last year, but opponents won't
be caught napping this time. The Wol-
verine” graduation losses were minimal.
ng year was highlighted
he signing of 610" blue chipper Tim
Another freshman, Dan
with great bal-handling

nce.

further

Pelekoudas,

ability and lots of smarts, could fill the
Wolverines’ need for a flashy point
Forward Mike McGee should
become the school's all-time leading
scorer by season's end.

The emphasis will be on offense at
Wisconsin this year. The Badgers have
a dearth of experience and the lack of
depth could hurt, because several of the
players are foul prone.

Last year's Northwestern team was big
and slow, but this edition should be jus
the opposite. Sophs Michael Jenkins and
Idis Rathel both have. tremendous
quickness and rookie Art Aaron will add
even more explosiveness to the Wild-
cat attack.

The Michigan Stare team this year
will again suffer from a lack of height.
Several quality recruits (the best of
whom are Ben Tower and Richard
Mudd) will see much action. The abun-
ance of inexperience on the floor will
hurt.

Bowling Green and Northern Illinois
should be nearly dead-even favorites to
the Mid-American Conference title.
Almost everyone returns to а Bowling
Green team that won 20 games last se
is has such a bonan.
za of recruits that three of last year's
returning starters may find themselves
on the bench much of ti i . Best
of the Huskie newcomers are Ross
Kingsley and Leonard Hayes.

Graduation losses will likely make it
impossible for Toledo to duplicate last
heady success. It will be a young
a and, with Harvey. Knuckles’ lead-
ership, should improve as the season
rogresses. Ball State, Central Michigan
and Kent State all have enough expe
rienced depth to make a run for the
title if luck favors them. Kent 5
get much help [rom ѕирете
ert Brannon.

Western Michigan and Ohio Univer-
sity will have improved teams but are
a year away from title contention
Eastern Mi: nd Miami University
suffered too many graduation losses to be
a factor in the championship race this
season.

This year’s squad should be the best
Evansville team in school
returning starters are join
dling, crop of rea Rookies Kenny
y (а 611^ prep All-America) and

т ber of
pic team) will give the
ir tallest team ever.
Loyol: again have a short but
scrappy team. Darius Clemons is one of
the best defensive guards in the country.
Oklahoma City, Butler and Xav
all have improved teams. Xavic
cially, has the ingredients to be the sur
prise tcam of the conference. Both
Detroit and Oral Roberts will be weak-
ened by the loss of graduated players.

hi,

Aces Пи

Bclieve it or not, DePaul should be 365

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an even stronger team than a year ago.
when the Blue Demons lost only two
games. Only onc of last season's top ten
players is missing. Playboy AILA)

Mark Aguirre and Clyde Bradshaw
among the dozen best players in the
country. Two other returnees, sopho-
morcs Terry Cummings and Teddy
Grubbs, should benefit greatly from а
year's experience, The Demon squ:
So deep in talent that only one new-
comer, transfer center Brett Burkholder,

not Notre Dame makes it
tournament for the
r will depend

and Orlando Woolridge. The key factor
in preseason drills will be settling th
guard positions, where both of last y
ters have graduated. Best of the gild-
ed cache of newcomers is Joc Kleine,
who, at 6'11” and 210 pounds, should be
the muscle man coach Digger Phelps has
been looking for.

Although stellar guard Sam Worthen
graduated, Marquette now has the
depth that was so obviously missing last.
year. Promising wansfer center Brian
Nyenhuis will also give the Warriors
much-needed height.

.

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tic Coast Conference—and it is so evenly
disuibuted—that all the teams except
Georgia Tech have a chance to win the
conlerence title. Maryland looks like
the best bet to us, because the Te
have all their top players (including
Playboy All-America forward Albert
King) returning from a team that won
24 games last season. Last winter's only
discernible weakness, a thin bench, will
be helped by the 1 of three prime

les Pittman (who could
ng role by season's end).
Steve Rivers and Pete Holbert.

Playboy All-America cemer Ralph

npson, only a sophomore, has pro-
vided the key clement in Virginia's ema

presence has taken the defensive pres-
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weakness, backcourt speed, has apparent-
ly been cured by the addition of light-

quick guards Othell Wilson and
Ricky Stokes.
This year's Duke team will be very

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Such a style should help showcase the
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367

PLAYBOY

368

been somewhat stifled by the inside-
oriented attacks of recent years.

The best news at North Carolina is
that James Worthy's broken ankle has
healed. He could become the finest front-
court player in school history. Worthy
and Al Wood (already the best shooter
in school history) will give the Tar Heels
an awesome pair, but the rest of the
starting line-up could be in doubt until
Incoming freshman center
looks like a future great and

midseason.
Sam Pe
could quickly win a starting role.

New North Carolina State coach Jim
Valvano inherits eight of last winter's
top ten players; but, unfortunately, the
lamented departees, Hawkeye Whitney
and Clyde Austin, were the two top
scorers. Т key to the Wolfpack's for-
tunes this season may be 75” Chuck
Nevitt, who, if he can develop his stam-
ina and add some weight, could intimi-
date opposing teams. A methodical club.
а year ago, the Wolfpack use race-
horse tactics this season to take advan-
tage of the squad's over-all quickness.

Severe graduation loses will prevent
the Clemson team from duplicating last
season's success. The ‘Tigers will be heav-
ily dependent on the play of center
Larry Nance and the quick develop-
ment of newcomers Clark Bynum and
Raymond Jones.

the best newcomer), Wake Forest will

have a much stronger team, but tough
conference competition will make it
difficult for the Deacons to have a win-
ning season, "Ehe return of Frank John-

son, whose foot injury has healed, will
give their backcourt play the speed and
leadership it needs.

Tech, newest member of the
ic Coast Conference, lost four of

its top five players to graduation and
faces a long ир

climb to conference

1 Brook Steppe,
who would be a guard on a team with
deeper talent, will have to carry most
of the load this season.

“Tf, as you say, it’s no crime to be a panda, perhaps
you can explain why we were arrested.”

Reinforced by two bonanza recru
years, Kentucky has everything neces

THE SOUTH

ATLANTIC COAST CONFERENCE

Maryland 5. North Carolina
. Virginia State
6. Clemson
7. Wake Forest
8. Georgia Tech

SOUTHEASTERN CONFERENCE

. Kentucky 7. Mississippi
. Louisiana State State

. Vanderbilt. 8. Mississippi
. Alabama 9. Auburn.

. Georgia 10. Florida

. Tennessee

METRO CONFERENCE.
. Louisville 5. Tulane
. Floride State. 6. Cincinnati
. Memphis State 7. St. Louis
. Virginia Tech

‘SUN BELT

. South Alabama | 5. Alzbama-

. Jacksonville Birmingham

. Virginia 6. South Florida
Commonwealth 7. Georgia State
UNCC

. Duke
. North Carolina.

OHIO VALLEY CONFERENCE

. Murray State 5. Eastem

. Morehead State Kentucky

i. Westem 6. Tennessee Tech
Кетік 7. Austin Peay

. Middle Tennessee

SOUTHERN CONFERENCE

. Westem Carolina 6. Appalachian
Marshall State
. Furman 7. Virginia
. Chattanooga Military
j. East Tennessee 8. The Citadel
9. Davidson

INDEPENDENTS
‚ South Carolina 2. New Orleans

TOP PLAYERS: King, Williams (Maryland);
Sampson, Lamp (Virginia); Banks, Dennard
(Duke); Wood, ИШ (North Carolina);
Lowe (North Carolina State); Nance (Clem-
son); Johnson (Wake Forest); Steppe (Geor-
gia Tech) Bowie, Cowan (Kentucky),
Macklin, Martin (Louisiana State); Davis,
Rhodes (Vanderbilt); Phillips (Alabama); Fair,
Wilkins (Georgia); Wood (Tennessee); Grim
(Mississippi Д
Poindexter (Aubut
Smith, S. McCray, R,

Di
); phis

(Virginia Tech); Thomp-

son (Tulane); Jones (Cincinnati); Burns (St.

Louis); Rains (South Alabam:
(Jacksonville); Sherod, Knight (Virginia
Commonwealth); Potts (UNCC); Robinson
(Alabama-Birmingham); Grier (South Florida);
Tucker (Georgia State); Sleets (Murray
State); Napier (Morehead State); Mc-
Cormick (Western Kentucky); Beck (Middle

; Baker (Eastern Kentucky);
Abuls (Tennessee Tech); Sanders (Austin
Peay); Dennis (Western Carolina); Washing-
ton (Marshall); Daniel (Furman); Smith
(Chattanooga, Mikell (East Tennessee);
Payton (Appalachian State); Kolesar (Virginia
Military); Huguley (The Citadel); Haynes
(Davidson); m (South Carolina); Ed-
wards (New Orleans).

Hackett

to be the nation’s top team. Although
the Wildcats will be a very young team

WHEN SOMEONE GIVES YOU CUTTY SARK,
BE GENEROUS AND GIVE A LITTLE BACK.

PLAYBOY

370

(nine of the top 11 players will be frosh
or sophs), their depth will be the envy of
every other school in the country. Playboy
All-America center Sam Bowie may find
himself playing at a [orward position at
times if superrookie Melvin Turpin, а
scven-footer, matures quickly. Kentucky's
biggest advantage is its basketball reputa-
tion; recruiting isa cinch, because being a
second-stringer at Kentucky carries more
stige than being a starter at most
schools, The Wildcats’ other major ad-
vantage is the coaching of Joe Hall, a
low-key, perspicacious sort who uses
brains instead of bombast and motivates
his players with paternal concern instead
of intimidation. In recognition of those
qualities, we have selected Hall ав
Playboy Coach of the Year.

Louisiana State will field a formidable
starting five, but bench depth is question-
able. The Tigers could be vulnerable if

center Greg Cook gets into foul trouble,

because there is no experienced substi-
tute to replace him. The main man will
surely be Playboy All-America forward
Durand Macklin. A speedy group of
guards will drive opponents berserk
with their constant pressing. The stu-
dent Front Row Fanatics will again
make Baton Rouge visits miserable tor
opposing teams and unpopular officials,

Vanderbilt could field one of the
most improved teams in the country
Six of last year's top eight players will
return. Immensely skilled Charles Davis
is back after year’s medical leave,
and superrookie Jeff Turner will rein-
force an abundanuy talented front line.
Jf coach Richard Schmidt can find a
couple of dependable guards. the Com-
modores could be one of this season's
surprise teams.

New Alabama coach Winfrey Sander-
son takes over à team that is still very
young (there's only one senior on the
roster) but will be much more expe-
rienced than a year ago. The addition of
transfer forward Desi Barmore will help.
he Georgia team recorded its first
winning season in eight years last win-
ter, largely because of fabulous fre:
Dominique Wilkins and Terry
Their return is a cause for optimism in
Athens, but depth nce will
still be big problem
roster, ten are freshmen or sophomores.
‘Tennessee coach Don DeVoe's main
task in preseason drills is finding а de-
pendable point guard. Michael Poole is
the prime candidate. The Vols will be
thin inside this year, so newcomer Dan
Federmann, an awesome specimen, could

Both Mississippi nd Missi
have blue-chip recruits to ease the loss
of their supers Freshman Michael
Green will help fill the large void left by
the graduation of Rickey Brown at Mis-
sissippi State, and Rob Drum шау well
сазе the loss of John Stroud at Missis-
sippi. Both teams will, fortunately, have
better depth than a year ago. Optimism
is especially high in Oxford, where last
season the Rebs posted their best record
in 42 years and made their first post-
season tournament appearance.

Alter a couple of respectable recruit-
ing years, Auburn's manpower is im-
proving, but coach Sonny Smith is still
trying to find a high-caliber point guard
and his team still suffers from the lack

of a big man in the middle,

N

ly everything is new at Florida:
new coach, new players, new arena. The
rookie coach is Norman Sloan and the

“Well, try to pretend we're not here.”

best of a large contingent of recruits
are blue chippers Vernon DeLancy and
Ronnie Williams. Only a couple of the
[ew returning vets have a chance to log
much playing time.

Despite the loss of Darrell Grithth, the

Louisville team will still have the in
side track in the Metro Conference
race. The four other starters from last
year are back and Scooter McCray re-
turns alter sitting out a season with a
knee injury. Add two talented frosh,
Charles Jones and Lancaster Gordon,
and it all adds up to another contender
mpionship.
State will be aided by the re-
turn to active duty of center К
son and forward James Bozeman. Gi
Rodney Arnold could develop
of the most exciting players im the
country. The Seminoles still need more
help from their bench.

With its top six players retur
a better familiarity with second-year
coach Dana system, Метр
State should have a much-improved
team. Two prime recruits lip
Haynes and Johnie (that's the way it's
spelled) Gipson.

The combined effects of graduatio:
and incoming talent will make the V
ginia Tech backcourt much stronger
than the front court, the reverse si
ofa ye

п should henefit from added
need a big
man in the middle. If seven-footer Steve
Carpenter continues to develop. he
could fill the bill and the Greenies could
make a lot of waves.

The morale factor should be a big
asset at Cincinnati this winter. The
Bearcats are off N.C.A.A. probation for
the first time in two years and the squad
is loaded with senior leadership.

St. Louis coach Ron Ekker will have
to find three new startet
good crop of recruits

will give him
plenty of talent to choose from. The top
newcomer will likely be Leon Van Hook.

South Alabama appears to us to have
the best chance to win the Sun Belt con-
ference title, but any of the other
teams—with the possible exceptions of
South Florida and Georgia State—could
take the crown with a little luck. South
Alabama, an extremely well-disciplined
team, will get back all its starters from
last winter's 23-6 team. Jacksonville, Vir
ginia Commonwealth and UN each
los one prime player, but all three
schools have some promising recruits to
Hesh out their rosters. The Alabama-Bir-
mingham team, decimated by graduation,
must face а fearsome nonconference
schedule. Transfer forward Craig Lane
should make a big splash.

Healed injuries and the further devel-
opment of last winter's freshman sen-
sation Mont Sleets should make Murray
State the hot team in the Ohio Valley

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NOTHING EVEN COMES CLOSE

PLAYBOY

Conference. Challenges could come from
Morehead State, if its young but talent-
ed squad matures quickly, or from West-
ern Kentucky, if its team can smoothly
adjust to new coach Clem Haskins. Both
the Middle Tennessee and the Tennes-
see Tech teams will be much stronger,
duc to more experience and depth.

Western. Carolina, Marshall and Fu
man will fight it out for the Southern
Conlerence title, with Western Carolina
having the best chance because of the
presence of scrapper Greg Dennis. Chat-
tanooga, benefiting from a bumper crop
of recruits (Russ Schoene is the number-
one catch), could be а dark-horse team.

Irs back to the drawing boards at
South Carolina. The squad was gutted
by graduation. New coach Bill Foster
may wind up with a starting five consist-
ing of four freshmen and one sopho-
more, Kcvin Darmody.

.

"The Missouri team won 25 games last
season and could well have been the best
team in the land with adequate bench
strength. But, after Iate-season injuries,
the Tigers had only three substitutes.
1 coach Norm Stewart, “Sometimes it
frustrating to look down the bench

and see more coaches than players.” The
return of forward Lex Drum and guard
Barry Laurie, plus the addition of four
e of the

freshman recruits, should take са
numbers problem. Then, if Stew
find а capable replacement far
point guard Larry Drew. the Tigers will
he a strong contender for the national
championship.

Nebraska, last winter's Big Eight Cin-
derella team, will have its 11 best players
from a year ago back and will be Mis-
souri's challenger for the conference
crown. The Huskers’ main liability is a
lack of height. I 67” center Andre
Smith were three inches taller, he would
be rated as one of the top post men in
the country.
rd Rolando Blackm
kplug of the Kan
and will be joined by four p:
starters [rom last year. The Wildcats will
nced team, with finely meshed
h a bit of good fortune, they
could be one of the nation's top teams.

Colorado is on the verge of turning the
corner in basketball. ‘The four top pl
ers ol last wi
by a great group of recruits. Best of the
bunch are center Joe Cooper and point
guard Jay Humphries.

The Kansas team retains the invalu
able services of Playboy All-America
guard Darnell Valentine, plus eight of
the top ten other players on last winter's
squad. The Jayhawks will therefore be
much improved, but it will be difficult to
the won-lost record, because
most of the other conference teams arc
also stronger. This усағы recruit

n returns as

ter are back and are joined

enhance

372 plum, 6710”, 240-pound Victor Mitchell,

figures to fill the Jayhawks’ need for a
dominating inside player.

Iowa State, Oklahoma State and Okla-
homa all lost their two best players to
graduation and will have a hard time
improving on last season's records. New
lowa State coach Johnny Orr got a latc
start in the recruiting wars and landed
only three players, so the Cyclones will
be few in number, as well as short in
size. The schedule is also much stronger
than a year ago. Give Orr a couple of
years and he will have the Cyclones
banging on the Big Eight throneroom
door, but this may be a lean winter in
Ames.

"The Oklahoma State team will benefit
from the return of premier guard Matt

THE NEAR WEST

BIG EIGHT

5. Kansas

6. Inwa State

. Kansas State 7. Oklahoma State
.. Colorado 8. Oklahoma

SOUTHWEST CONFERENCE

. Texas A & M 6. Texas

. Arkansas. 7. Southern

. Texas Tech Methodist

. Baylor & Rice

5. Houston 9. Texas Christian

MISSOURI VALLEY CONFERENCE

Bradley 6. Indiana State
Wichita State 7. New Mexico
West Texas State State

. Creighton X. quisa
Drake 9. Southern Illincis

INDEPENDENTS

2. North Texas
State

TOP PLAYERS: Berry, Stipanovich (Missouri);
Smith, Moore (Nebraska); Blackman (Kansas
State); Hunter (Colorado); Valentine (Kan-
sas); Estes (lowa State); Clark (Oklahoma
State); Whitely (Oklahoma); Wright, Smith
(Texas АЁ М); Hastinj
Taylor (Texas Tech); Teagle (Baylor);
liams (Houston); Thompson (Texa:
(Southern Methodist); Pierce (Rice); John-
зоп (Texas Christian); Anderson, Thirdkill
(Bradley): Levingston, Carr (Wichita State);
‘Adolph (West Texas State); McKenna, Honz
(Creighton); Lloyd, Wright (Drake); Reed
(Indiana State); Pena (New Mexico State);
Stevenson (Tulsa); Nance (Southern Illinois);
one (Centenary); Lyons (North Texas
ate).

. Missouri
. Nebraska

. Centenary

Clark, who was redshirted last season
with an injury. New Oklahoma coach
Billy Tubbs inherits only one full-time
starter (guard Raymond Whitely), but
landed а gem-quality recruit in massive
Charles Jones, who could dominate the
boards.
Texas A

from the national championship last win-
ter. The Aggies’ only perceptible w
ness was poor point production from the
backcourt, but three prime rookie gu
should fix that problem. The fron
will again be formidable and will be

that front-court talent on
ү use a threc-forward offense.

Although Arkansas won 21 games
season, it was considered a di i
performance by Razorback
have become accustomed to league cham-
pionships. The Hogs suffered from poor
shooting, but that could be remedied
this fall by two incoming hotshot guards.
Darrell Walker and Ricky Norton. If
both work out, U. $. Reed will be moved
10 the front court, where hi» superb
jumping ability can be utilized. With a
little help, Scott Hastings could become
a prolific scorer.

‘Texas Tech returns three starters and
eight letermen from the bestshooting
team in school history. The Raiders
should be improved with the addition of
freshman point guard Bubba Jenning,

who

ans,

who arrives with awesome credentials.
Tech still lacks a domineering big man

in the front court. so coach Gerald

Myers may adopt a fast-break running
game.
Baylor forward Terry Teagle is prob-

ably the finest player in the Southwest
Conference, but he got very little help
ter from his teammates, who
tall nor very physical.
A product g year fortunately
brought in much added height and mus-
cle in the persons of Ozell Hall and
Tommy Temaat. They should make life
much more pleasant for Teagle

Guard Rob Williams will again be
Houston's big gun. He will get а lot of
help from an outstanding collection of
recruits. Michael Young and Clyde Dres-
ler could be instant starters in the front
court, and both Eric Davis and Lynden
Rose will clock much time as guards.
The Cougars could astonish if all this
new talent learns to play together
smoothly.

The Texas team was maddeningly in-
consistent last scason—somc nights it
looked unbeatable, other nights it
smelled up the arena. With last season's
top two players missing, this team could
be just as unpredictable, One key to
the season will be the play of La’
Thompson, who has the tools to be-
come one of the best big men in con-
ference history. Another key will be the

contributions of newcomers, best of
whom is forward Mike Wa
Almost everything is new at Southern

Metho:
al

. Graduation nearly wiped out
squad; new coach Dave Bliss will
emble a team
rookies and inexpe
style of play will be different, too, chang-
ing di ndgun attack to a
methodical defense-oricnted system.
Don't be surprised if Rice turns out to
be the dominant team of the year in the
Southwest Conference. All the necessary

y

pa

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^ 9 "m
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By ANMEUSER.BUSCH, INC. « ST. LOU! >

ел”

M
T

PLAYBOY

ingredients are there, if coach Mike
Schuler can put them together. Although
the Owls won only seven games a year
. forward Ricky Pierce emerged

d of talent who can meld a team
ner. Last year's ten best players
nd a prime crop of Ireshmen
could help cure kast winte ck of
quickness and speed. Their casier sched-
ule should help, too.

The Texas € » team boasts more
nd more height than a year
11 Browder could become one
ndout guards in the conference.

It looks like a beautiful winter in
Peoria. Last season, Bradley became the
first team in the Gl-year history of the
Missouri Valley Conference to go from
last place to first place in one season. АШ
five starters and two thirds of the best
bench in the league return. Best of all,
es have Mitchell. Anderson

ayer who can g ta
ves are quick, disciplined
and skilled defensively. Look for them

to wind up in the nation’s top 20 at
season's end.

If Bradley falters, Wich
take the conference crown
also return all th
perience will not be the problem it.wae
а year ago. Two x forward Don-
nell Allen and guard Tony Martin, will

e could

ies,

State team will again be the типп

‚ ded by guard Terry Adolph. 2

oup of junior college transfers will add

bench. depth, an important element. in

this run-oriented team.
Both the Creighton

and the Drake

squads return nearly intact, and cach
team has а маг forward who can make
the differe: close games. Creighton's
Кеуіп McKenna is a superb outside
shooter and a slick ball handler. Drak
Lewis Lloyd seems to do everything bet-
ter than anyone. The Bulldogs still need

man in the middle

aduation took a devastating toll at
State, New Mexico State and
Tulsa. But all three schools got lucky
recruiting. Lester Wright and Robert
he prime catches at Indi
ns, |
nericas, will be
e starters at New Mexico State.
crop is especially impres-
with the newcomers reputed to be
more talented than the starters they will
replace. Best of the lot appears to be
Paul Pi а

medi
Я a's rook

ble string of bad
s (transcript fos
ups. injuries, illness) will presumably not
be repeated this ter, so the Salukis
should enjoy a more productive season
if last year's top two scorers can be ade-
quately replaced.

Center Cherokee Rhone
the dominant рі

s internal squabbles will
e forwards,
ackson, will
5 power.

Rusty Ward and Wi
give the Gents added sco
the Oregon State team
won 26 games, took the Pacific Ten cham-
pionship and wound up ranked fourth in
the nation. The Beavers will be even
stronger this year. Only one starter and
one backup player are missing from Last

Last season.

year’s squad and the replacements are
more than adequate. Two recruits, for-
ward Charl man Les
Conner, have impressiv ions and
could be used immed niter Steve
Johnson will again be the fularum of the
team.

UCLA's latescason finish was breath-

taking; after only a fourth-place finish

THE FAR WEST
PACIFIC TEN

1. Oregon State 6. Washington

2 UCLA State

3. Arizona State 7. Oregon

1. Southern 8 Arizona
California 9. California

5. Washington 10. Stanford

WESTERN ATHLETIC CONFERENCE

1. Wyoming 6. San Diego State
2. Texas-El Paso 7. Colorado State
3. Utah £: Air Force
й. Bigham Yong 8. New Mexico
5. Hawaii

PACIFIC COAST ASSOCIATION
1. Long Beach State 5. San Jose State
2. Utah State 6. Santa Barbara
3. Pacific 1. Irvine
4. Fresno State 8. Fullerton State

WEST COAST CONFERENCE
1. Sen francisco 5. Portland
2. St. Mary's 6. Loyola
3. Gonzaga Marymount
4. Pepperdine 7. Santa Clara

BIG SKY CONFERENCE
1. Montana 5. Montana State
2. Weber State 6. Northern Arizona
3. Idaho 7. Idaho State
4. Boise State &. Nevada-Reno
INDEPENDENTS
1. Nevada— 2. Portland State
Las Vegas

TOP PLAYERS: Johnson, Blume (Oregon
State); Foster, Sanders (UCLA); Lister,
Scott (Arizona State); Miller (Southern
California); Fronk (Washington); Meyers
(Washington State); Whiting (Oregon); Smith
(Arizona); McNamara, Singleton (California);

Welch (Stanford); Bradley, Garnett (Wyo
ming); Burns, White (Texas-El Paso); Vranes,
Chambers (Utah); Ainge (Brigham Young);
Strayhorn (Hawaii; Gordon (San Diego
State}; Hughes (Colorado State); Harris
(Air Force); Page (New Mexico); Dykema
(Long Beach State); Jackson (Utah State);
Cornelius (Pacific); ‘Higgins (Fresno State);
Mendez (San Jose State); Anderson (Santa
Barbara); Magee (Irvine); Bell (Fullerton
State); McAlister, Dailey (San Francisco);
Vann (St. Moysi Baldwin (Gonzaga); Bond
(Pepperdine); Slaughter (Portland); McClos-
key lowe Manroun); Whittington (Santa
Clara); Zanon (Montana); Harper (Weber
Kellerman (Idaho); McKinney (Boise
State); Hashley (Montana State}; Young
(Northern Arizona); Goddard (Idaho state)
Johnson (Nevada-Reno); Green, Goorjian
(Nevada—Las Vegas); Babin (Portland State).

in the conference race, the
у to the champi

ins went
aship game in
. tournament. The momen-
tum should carry over to this fall, but
much of this season’s success will depend
on how well the Bruins survive the loss

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The CocoRibe- ian

of Kiki Vandeweghe, the best shooting
forward in UCLA history. A major cause
for optimism is the arrival of four top

quality recruits, including 73% center
Mark Eaton

The Arizona State team has announced
gods
first Pacific Ten championship. A major
stumbling block could be the lack of
proven réserves beyond the squad's sixth
man. Injuries could make the lack of
depth critical. Still, the chances for a
successful season will be good if an ade-
quate replacement can be found [or
graduated forward Kurt Nimphius, the
past season's most valuable player.

Last year was like two seasons for the
Southern California team: first a dream,
then a nightmare. The Trojans started
off like Gang Busters, then wound up
losing 12 of their last 13 games. There
were player suspensions, player defec-
tions and injuries so numerous that foot-
baller Ronnie Lott had to be coaxed into
playing. This, therefore, will be a low-
key, rebuilding year for the Trojans, but
there is much optimism based оп an
excellent recruiting crop. Probable start-
ers their first year are center. Clayton
Olivier, forward Mike Owens (a transfer
from Penn State) and Dwight Anderson
(a transfer from Kentucky). Another
promising recruit is guard Jimmy Brown,
son of former N.F.L. fullback Jim Brown.

Washington's success this season will
depend largely on the arrival of transfer
center Greg Wiltjer. Scoring help will
also come from transfer guard Alvin
Fields. The Huskies will again be a
pshooting team

Washington State, completely drained
by graduation, faces a long rebuilding
year. Coach George Raveling pulled out
all the stops during recruiting season and
came up with perhaps the best crop of
rookies in school history. This Cougar
squad will be woefully green, but in а
couple of years, it should be back in the
championship race

Freshmen Fred Cofield and John
Cheatham should solve Oregon's back-
cout problems. and Ray Whiting. it's
hoped, will be the take-charge player so
sorely needed last winter. If so, the Ducks
will be а much better team

It will be difficult for Arizona to over-
come the loss of supershooter Joe Nehls.

its collective intention of win

Partial compensation will come from
more backcourt quickness and from
transfer forward Greg Cook
The California team is optimistic be-
cause of the experience gained by three
freshman starters of last. year. Another
big plus will be the arrival of transfer
center Mark McNamara
The prospects at Stanford are bleak,
Last season's premier player, Kimberly
Belton, has graduated and there is no
one even remotely capable of rep
ing him. The incoming freshmen will,
(concluded on page 380)

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BASKETBALL PREVIEW

(continued from page 376)
nately, add some needed speed.
This should be a joyful winter in Lara-
mic. Last season’s Wyoming team was the
best in a decade and this edition looks
much stronger, The only apparent weak
ness а year ago was the center position,
and that problem will be solved m splen.
did fashion by the arrival of seven-looter
Chris Engler aster from Minnesota)
Charles Bradley. the best player in school
history, should have another banner year.

Three years ago, Texas-El Paso coach
Don Haskins sacrificed the won-lost rec
ord to go with
That decision will
with а mature
seniors. Add t
nedy and promising fr al Cun-
ningham and Anthony Bailey and the
result should be a much-improved team.

There is also much optimism at Utah,
mostly because of the return of two stel-
lar performers, forward Danny Vranes
and center Tom Chambers. The back-
court needs shoring up, but that problem
will likely be solved by rookie point
guard Reuben McClain

Graduation losses will make it difficult
for the Brigham Young team to duplicate
last season's 24-5 record. Guard Danny
Ainge will again be the pivotal player

Although both Long Beach State and
Utah State lost two of their best cagers
from last season, they should still be the
top two teams in the Pacific Coast Associ-
ation. Two rookie guards, Ricky Smith
and Bruce McC I help make Lon
Beach State a fas-breaking team with a
smothering m. full-court de-
fense. Guard Greg Anderson (a transfer
from Brigham Young) and forward Gary
Furniss (returning from a Mormon
Church mission) could soothe Utah
State's graduation pains.

The Pacific team could be a title con-
tender if last season's injury rash isn't

fort

repeated and if all the lame are healed.
The depth is better, the schedule 1
and wansler Ralph Scozzofava br
much-needed outside shooting skills.

The San ncisco team should have
no problem winning its sixth straight
West Coast Conference championship.
Last winter, lor the first time in many
years, the Dons fielded a well-balanced
team with splendid bench strength. The
same will be true this season, The back-
court will again be the Dons’ major asset.
Look for continued improvement at St.
Mary's. An excellent. group of recruits
will bring needed height to the team.
Two sevendooters, Mike Nelson and
David Bowlby, are among the prime
catches.

Mon a is likely to displace Weber
State in the Big Sky throne room this
winter, because the latter team lost its
top four players of a year ago. Montan
has the luxury of four returning starters,
as well as good bench depth. The C;
zlies' hope for success will be based large-
ly on the play of center Craig Larsen.

The Weber State team will be smaller
but quicker than last year. Much of the
rebuilding effort will be centered on
rookie center-forward Doug Harris and
per.

veter

If Idaho coach Don Monson can re-
place graduated team leader Don New-
man, the Vandals could h

chance at the conference title. Either of
two newcomers, Ken Owens or Frecina
Watkins, could fill the bill.

аз Wo!

should bc

ning. th n even more
potent team. Defensive play, last winter's
most obvious weakness, will be much
better. Best news is the arrival of Greg
Goorjian (a wansler from Arizona State).
He will be one of the country’s best
guards this seasor
Е

Answer to puzzle on page 379

Explore Space.

Introducing the

Bose" 901"/Spatial
Control" music system.
Give the "Bose" logo on our Spatial
Control" Receiver a light touch. You
have just activated a new and dra-
matic conceptin home entertainment
electronics. The 901*/Spatial Control"
Direct/Reflecting* music system.

The Bose Spatial Control" Re-
ceiver is designed to realize the full
potential of our legendary 901 Direct/
Reflecting" loudspeakers. Its ad-
vanced Spatial Control" circuitry
reaches into the 901 speaker to put a
whole new range of fascinating sonic
experiences at your command.

Coveredby patent rights issued and/or pending.
E Copyright 1980 Bose Corp. For more information, write
BOSE Corp. Dept PB. The Mountain, Framingham, MA 01701.

Here's how Ralphe Neill of Aus-
tralian Hi-Fi described it:

"With the Spatial Control switched
in, the degree of compensation
was more than | had expected. You
could literally narrow the image down
to a fine focus between the speakers
or extend itto far beyond the
speakers' lateral positions."

Imagine the possibilities. With
one simple control, you can
adjust the spatial pat-
tern of a 901 speaker
pair to fit any type
of music. Set it to >
“Wide” for а mighty >
symphony orchestra.
“Narrow” for a solo
guitarist. Or anything
in between. No other spatial enhance-
ment technique gives you this kind of
control over every performance.

But Spatial Control" is only the
beginning, The receiver has four in-
dependently accessible power ampli-
fiers. Two headphone amps. Built-in
901 speaker equalization. Plus CMOS
switching logic, so you can configure
these features quickly and easily.

The 901/Spatial Control" sys-
tem puts space at your fingertips.
Touch it at your local Bose dealer.

x ME

ҰН 2 AFORE AND
БОЙ ЕП BY THE WIN тт NEW YORK, N.

AT'S HAPPENING, WHERE IT’S HAPPENING AND WHO'S MAKING IT HAPPEN.

GIFTS
SENSUOUS SCENTS FOR CHRISTMAS

S anta Claus is comin’ totown—bringing with him all those marvelous holiday smells. But after The Christmas Song has ended, the

yuletide memory sure to linger the longest for the lady in your life will be the fragrance that wafted from the expensive little bottle
of perfume she found awaiting her under the tree. When it comes to dollars and scents, the dictum “You gets what you pays for”
definitely applies. One ounce of the perfume Cabochard will get you more kisses under the mistletoe than a gallon of Evening in
Schenectady. And the same goes for Chanel No. 5, Opium and L'Air du Temps. Oh, the weather outside may be frightful, but the fire is so
delightful, and with a good-smelling friend close at hand, all we can say is settle back and let it snow, let it snow, let it snow...

"by
holds one-half ounce of sexy-
drel, by Revlon, $45. Next is one ounce of n
exquisite new perfume, by Marilyn Miglin, $200. of

» ounces of the floral-scented Paríum
1000, by Jean Patou, $370. One
ounce of that classic
Christmas stocking stuff -
er, Chanel No. 5, $75.
And, last, a half-ounce
of the sexy scent Si-
lences, by Jacomo, $60.

HARD IZUI

Ric

FASHION
WARMING UP TO IOUNCEWEAR

earing nought but your birthday suit may still be the
most comfortable and sexy way to toddle off to
dreamland; but in these days of low thermostats, it's
hardly appropriate attire for those easygoing hours
of at-home winter entertaining that nestle between board room
and bedroom. And since the American male is currently deep in a
red-hot affair with romance (as we pointed out in our September
issue), we're happy to report that what's making his heartstrings
go zing is not only meaningíul relationships with the opposite sex
but also the nifty accouterments, such as sensuous loungewear,

that go along with them. While some of the latest styles obviously
have been influenced by such activities as jogging and racquel

ball, the over-all effect is the rebirth of a type of eveningwear that
in no way resembles the vintage flannel robes our grandfathers
wore. So, guys. when you come in from the cold this winter, try
slipping into something a little more comfortable. A cotton
hooded nightshin, perhaps, or a paisley kimono with quilted
foulard trim. With soft and easy threads like these, you can Бе! a
botile of cognac that the lady in your life will be up to see you
—DAVID PLATT

someltime— soon.

dh

E

Below: In the wee small hours of the morning, the arms of Morpheus (or a more comely substitute,
we'd say) await this chap, who has spent the evening relaxing in a paisley kimono with foulard trim,
about $75, and matching lounge pants, about $30, both by Patti Cappalli’s Men. Under the kimono
is a silk shirt, by Pinky & Dianne for Private Label, $120. For a kimono of a different color, check the
inset at far left: It shows a black polyester/cotton quilted style, by Andrew Downs, about $55. To the
right of it isa sports-inspired polyester/cotton long-sleeved nightshirt with a self-hood, by Christian
Dior Nightwear, $22.50. The inset at left below focuses on an urbane evening outfit that even Cary
Grant would sell his soul to own—a polyester/silk crepe de Chine calf-length robe, $130, worn ov

a matching shirt with а band collar, $180 and drawstring pants, $95, all from Royal Robes by Bi

Blass. Below center is a cotton/acrylic V-neck pullover, about $35, worn with cotton/acrylic pants,
about $35, both by Ron Chereskin for State o’ Maine. The last lounging outfit is truly a soft touch—a
striped cotton velour robe, $35, coupled with a polyester diamond-patterned shirt, $20, both by
Van Heusen; and wool slacks with adjustable waist tabs, by Daks Gentlemen’s Apparel, about $70.

DAVID
PLATT'S

In the neverending search for
originality and personal expression
in the suit/shirvtie busing і
form, men have tried everything
from simply undoing the shirt and
loosening the tie to tucking the tie
into the shirt halfway down the
body, to looping the tie rather than
knotting it, to tucking the tie into
the waist of the pants. Another
look, of course, is the bow tie. One
variable that we've noticed on a
few enterprising gents is to wear
the ends of the bow tie under the
collar instead of out. Not a bad
look when done with sporty
checked or plaid shirts.

A number of designers are reviv-
ing the old six-buiton double-
breasted suit this season. Our
feeling is that all those nonfunc-
tional buttons are a bit much, un-
less you re in the burton business.

fe prefer our D.B.s with two or
four buttons.

.

The choice is yours: What's “in”
and "out" in fashion is more often
than not a silly exercise. No matter
what anyone tells you, plain and
pleated-front trousers are equally
acceptable these days. The same
goes for three- and two-piece suits,
straight and tapered trouser legs

and squared and natural-
shouldered jackets. Some looks,
of course, such as flared legs
and chest-warmer ties, are
clearly passé. We'll keep

you posted.

“The man knows all there
is about fancy footwork. Listen:

“When you dress up, Your
boots have got to dress up wi
you. That’s when you step up
to the Baron Collection.

“Just one look at those rich,
smooth leathers and you'll know
that Nobody Puts Leather
Together Like Dingo”

е

Acme Boot Co., Inc., РО. Вох 749 Clarksville, Тепп. 37040 A subsidiary of Northwest Industries, Inc.Or call t t in Tenn.
„тс. W9. D Orcall toll- Te
fenn. 37040. А sui of Ne h Ш toll-fr
toll-free 800-251-1382. (excep
p! 7

WHEELS

GO IN THE SNOW!

on't you hate those cowboy-hatted clowns who
bust past in some jacked-up gas-guzzling four-
wheel-drive macho machine while you sit stuck in
snow (or mud or sand)? Well, cheer up, buckaroo,
because now a pair of small but aggressive auto makers
have provided us with legal, affordable revenge—four-
wheel-drive cars; and a super-whammy machine from
Germany і5-оп the coming-attractions list. While Detroit's
Big Three were pumping out four-wheelers for farmers,
forest rangers and asphalt-jungle image seekers, farsighted
engineers at Subaru (of Japan) and American Motors were
shrinking four-wheel-drive units into pint-sized packages
and fitting them neatly under their respective small cars.
Subaru was first to market іп 1976 with a four-wheel-
drive station wagon, encoring that act late in 1977 with the
mini-truck-style Brat. Last year, the DL, a cute four-wheel-
drive hatchback, was added to a restyled and better-dressed
Subaru line. Basically front-drive econocars to which a
rear-drive mechanism has been cleverly grafted, the tough
little Subarus for 1981 will be powered by a rugged
1800-c.c. flat four-cylinder engine and four-speed manual
transmission. (GL models will have a new dual-range trans-
mission that delivers 46 percent more pulling power.)

that
under normal driving conditions operates on front-wheel drive. But
when conditions dictate, a flip of a lever turns it into a tenacious
four-wheel-drive snow, sand or mud eater that's virtually unstoppable.
Couple that with precise rack-and-pinion steering, power-assisted
disc brakes, electronic ignition and four-wheel independent

Right: Audi’s entry into the uncommon market of full-time
four-wheel-drive automobiles is the turbocharged five-cylinder
Quattro sports coupe; a 160-hp version of the European 200-һр

model may be landing here in about a year, priced around $30,000.
Porsche/Audi claims that the Quattro's unique three-difierenti.
drive train nets better gas mileage than an identical
two-wheel-drive linkup—and its road-hugging abi
becoming legendary. Gentlemen, save your pennies.

Subarus start around $5000 and deliver gas mileage in the
23-33-mpg range.

Plusher, roomier and a bit less fuel-efficient, AMC's com-
pact Concord-based Eagle debuted in 1980 in two-door,
four-door and wagon variations, all motivated by the com-
pany's strong and torquey 4.2-liter six and automatic trans-
mission. For 1981, a 2.5-liter four-cylinder with a four-speed
manual gearbox becomes standard fare, boosting EPA city
mileage to a respectable 20 mpg, and a pair of subcompact
Spirit-based models expand the line-up. Featuring a unique,
liquid-filled full-time four-wheel-drive transfer case that
gives smooth, skid-free traction, whether stopping, starting,
climbing or cornering, AMC's Eagle begins around $6000.

Although it won't be available here for at least a year, the
ultimate four-wheel-drive car so far is Audi's 200-horse-
power turbocharged Quattro. Essentially a luxury perform-
ance coupe for the highway, the $30,000 Quattro will do
0-60 in seven seconds flat and reportedly is capable of full-
power acceleration without wheelspin in snow and around
sharp bends.

None of these is meant for dune hopping or cliff climb-
ing, but each will get you anywhere a road goes in style and
comfort—and never mind the conditions. — GARY WITZENBURG

Left: Just out of the nest flies American Motors’ littlest Eagle, the
SX/4, a four-wheel-drive liftback that’s only 166 inches long
yet takes 15-inch wheels and features fully independent front
suspension. And if you're young at heart, the basic machine
can be jazzed up with a sports package (shown here) that
includes black body moldings, bumpers and grille, as well as
fog lamps and Goodyear radials, plus more. With the sports.
package, an SX/4 goes for about $7000. Fun for the money!

GRAPEVINE

Made in the Shade |
Have a drink on us, LARRY
HAGMAN. You're a megastar
now, thanks to Dallas. You're
goingto be on the big screen with
Julie Andrews in 5.0.8. You're
ic and funny. You make
copy. So tell us,

J.R., how come you're
wearing a kimono?

© 1980 LYNN GOLDSMITH, INC.

Move Over, Rudolph

Santa put up a nete wanten sign in an LA. laundromat
and look what he got. FRANK ZAPPA and a close
personal friend. Holiday Greetings from Grapevine.

BRIAN LIATART /PHOTOREPORTERS

Undressed
to Kill

Actress ISABELLE

HUPPERT has the

woman's role in the

new hael

Cimino movie,

Heaven's Gate.

She also has the

celebrity

breast of the
month.

2 Down the Tubes

With a couple of movie deals and anew album in the
works, FEE WAYBILL is parting company with his

388 alter ego, Quay Lewd. Hello, respectability.

The Pig and I If Only She'd
We do love these candid shots. Mugging for the camera are Throw in
MARK HAMILL and Carrie Fisher's stand-in, MISS PIGGY. He's. ò the Towel
preventing alien forces from turning her into a pork chop.

JAYNE KENNEDY,
cohost of Speak Up,
America, gets

ready for the

rating wars.

HAEL
ERS /SYGMA

© 1980 MI
сно

Don't Cry for Me, Nicaragua

Is there life after life with Mick? Is the Pope Polish? BIANCA JAGGER has
lowered her profile considerably since the divorce, but, happily for us, she's
still hanging out in all the right places. 2
rs li M Б

HILDERS

© 1980 MICHAEL

PRICKING THE SOCIAL
CONSCIENCE

Charles Bragg is a West Coast artist
perhaps best known for his pictorial
satires of religious, political and social
Our favorites are his

gnomelike characters

“ше
with

figures
dirties,”

pendulous phalluses. Bragg's illustra-
tions have appeared in ғілувоу and now
some of his best work has been gath-
ered in The Absurd World of Charles
Bragg. 1175 $25 from Harry М. Abrams.

THE FRITO LAY:
GUARD AGAINST
SMALL FRY?

Can too much junk food make men
infertile? It’s a question that’s been hot-
ly debated since reports from China
about the contraceptive effects of cot-
tonseed oil, an ingredient used in pota-

SEX NEWS

to and corn chips, nuts, crackers and
salad dressings. Dr. D. J. Patanelli of the
U.S. Center for Population Research,
setting the record straight, explains that
the substance under suspicion is not
cottonseed oil but gossypol, another
derivative of cottonseed. The Chinese
obtained oil from cottonseed for years
by a process involving boiling, which
coincidentally counteracted the effect
of gossypol. But when cottonseed oil
began to be mass produced, the boiling
was eliminated. Numerous cases of
male and female infertility suddenly
were traced to gossypol. The Chinese
have since been testing it as an oral
contraceptive for men. Why isn't the
United States jumping on the gossypol
band wagon? Dr. Patanelli says that she
and her colleagues refuse to test the
substance on humans because animal
experiments have shown it to be ex-
tremely toxic, even in minute doses. A
word of comíort for all of you junk-
food junkies: She says that if gossypol
is in any snack foods on the market in
this country, the amounts are negligible,

IS LIQUOR QUICKER?

Our friends have been drinking a lot
less since the studies came out about
alcohol’s hindering sexual perform-
ance. We can't wait to tell them the
latest news—over a drink, of course.
Psychologists at Wayne State University
claim that even though alcohol is a
proven depressant, most people persist
in believing it enhances their sexual
performance. And for those who are
convinced enough, it actually can, says
psychologist Mark S. Goldman. In fact,

those who feel that booze makes them
more romantic, responsive or sexy may
not be able to perform at all without
a little alcoholic appetizer. Goldman
speculates that for the casual drinker,
no more than three whiskeys should do
the trick. He theorizes that alcohol in
low doses may even prolong erection
by acting as a mild anesthetic. Since it
desensitizes, a man may not realize
how much he's been putting out and be
able to exceed his usual peak. Another

T-SHIRT OF THE MONTH ]
| =

GARRICK MADISON

Here's a slogan we can get behind. It ako
happens to be the title of a new exercise
bookby Charles Gaines and George Butler
(of Pumping Iron fame). Turgid prose?

consideration is cultural conditioning.
In this society, early sexual experiences
are often associated with booze. Think
about it. Weren't you drinking more

than Pepsi before climbing into the
back seat of that '60 Chevy? Е

Imagine unwrapping these slinky things on Christmas morning. The lingerie, we mean. For a little festive unlacing, the cuddly lilac corselet (leit),
$135, isfrom Prima Boutique, PO. Box 644, Scarsdale, New York 10583. The spicy-green tap-pants set (center), $110, and red-hot camisole and tap
panis (right), $105, are by Loré, available at Saks Fifth Avenue and I. Magnin. All three are truly dainty gifts that assure you many happy returns.

GARRICK MAISON

IT IS BETTER TO HAVE ITAND
NOT NEED IT, THAN NEED IT
AND NOT HAVE IT.

With a flick of the above lever, you can
switch any 4WD Subaru from front
wheel drive to On Demand 4-wheel
drive. Without stopping.

So anytime driving conditions
suddenly lock dangerous, it means you
can switch the odds in your favor. And
your passengers’.

What's more, you get something
else very much in your favor when you
get our Hatchback.

It's the lowest priced, most fuel cf-
ficient 4-wheel drive car in America!

So besides getting
incredible traction on
and off the road, this
Subaru can help you
get a firm grip on your
expenses.

» d "USE ESTIMATED MPG FOR COMPARISONS. YOUR MILEAGE MAY DIFFER DEPENDING ON DRIVING SPEED.

Ы WEATHER CONDITIONS AND TRIP LENGTH. ACTUAL HIGHWAY MILEAGE WILL PROBABLY BE LESS.

**TOTAL SUGGESTED POE — NOT INCLUDING DEALER PREP INLAND TRANSPORTATION, STATE AND LOCAL
TAXES, LICENSE AND TITLE FEES. CERTAIN ITEMS SHOWN OPTIONAL AT EXTRA COST.

(€ SUBARU OF AMERICA, INC. 1980.

PLAYBOY

392

Lights Up Your Life

AUTO 322 THYRISTOR

= Automatic to 28 feet
= Easy to Use
= Total Bounce Control

You get perfect flash pictures automati-
cally thanks to Sunpak's Instant Readout
unique exposure system that lakes all the
complications out of flash photography.

Even creative effects like lill-in llash or
close-up work are easy wilh a special Sunpak
feature called Power Ratio Control that lets
you control power output. It also gives you З
llashes-per-second recycle time that keeps ир
with modern auto winders.

You can bounce light off ceilings and walls
with the 180 degree Multi-Position Bounce
Head. Energy-saving Thyristor Circuitry
gives hundreds of flashes for your battery dol-
lar. Optional System Accessories include
Filter Kit with Wide-Angle Dittusers, Standard
and Pro Grips, Auto Slave, Trree-Hour Quick-
Charge Battery System and more

SUNPAK ce е

Available wherever good cameras are sol
‘Sunpak Division, Berkey Marketing Companies
PB-12, Box 1102, Woodside, N.Y. 11377 - 1011 Chest
nut St, Burbank, Ca. 91 * In Canada. Sunpak
Corporation o! Canada, Ontario

SPECIAL ISSUE $3

NEXT MONTH:

ROY BLOUNT JR. FOCUSES ON THE FOLKSY HOUSTON OILERS HEAD
COACH IN “THE PRIME OF COACH BUM PHILLIPS”

STEPHEN (CARRIE AND THE SHINING) KING REPORTS ON THE REALITY
OF HORROR MOVIES IN “WHAT COULD BE SCARIER THAN REAL LIFE?”

PETER GREENBERG CHECKS IN ON LENNON, ELTON, FRAMPTON AND
OTHERS FOR “ROCK-’N’-ROLL REAL ESTATE: HOW THE STARS
INVEST THEIR BUCKS”

JOHNNY GREENE EXAMINES THE GROWING COALITION THAT THREATENS
OUR SEXUAL AND POLITICAL FREEDOMS IN “THE NEW MORAL RIGHT”

SENATOR GEORGE MC GOVERN PENS A THOUGHTFUL ESSAY ON THE
IMPACT OF THE ABOVE IN “THE NEW RIGHT AND THE OLD PARANOIA”

FRANK HERBERT TRANSPORTS US TO A PLANET REBELLING FROM A
MONSTROUS LORD IN THE FIRST LOOK AT HIS NEWEST NOVEL, “THE
GOD EMPEROR OF DUNE”

MICHAEL KORDA DEALS WITH THE FINER POINTS OF “SEX IN THE
OFFICE: A NEW DANCE FOR THE EIGHTIES”

RAY BRADBURY WEAVES A POIGNANT TALE ABOUT A COUPLE WHO DE-
CIDE TO PUT AN END TO THEIR AFFAIR, “HEART TRANSPLANT”

BARBARA BACH DISCUSSES HER CAREER, HER ROMANCE WITH RINGO
STARR AND HER PLANS FOR THE FUTURE IN “BACK TO BACH"

STEPHEN BIRNBAUM LETS YOU IN ON THE SECRET OF SECLUDED HOLI-
OAY MERRYMAKING SOUTH OF THE BORDER: “INN LOVE IN MEXICO”

-| “THE GIRLS OF FLASH GORDON"; “THAT WAS THE YEAR
THAT WAS"; “PLAYBOY'S PLAYMATE REVIEW"; “THE ELEVENTH-
HOUR SANTA"; TEN PAGES OF “URBAN COWGIRLS”; “PLAYBOY
CARS"; AND MUCH, MUCH MORE.

COMING IN THE MONTH: 12. VISITS WITH AMERICAN GIGOLO STAR
LAUREN HUTTON AND WALL STREET WEEK HOST LOUIS RUKEYSER;
“THE LITIGIOUS SOCIETY," A LOOK AT WHAT LAWYERS HAVE DONE
TO US, BY JAY STULLER; RICHARD SCHICKEL'S LIST OF “ТЕМ
GREAT THINGS ABOUT BEING A MAN”; PICTORIAL UNCOVERAGE OF
ACTRESS VALERIE PERRINE; ROGER М. WILLIAMS’ EXPOSE OF “THE
SYNFUEL FIX"; THE TRIUMPHANT RETURN OF HUMORIST JEAN
SHEPHERD IN “A FISTFUL OF FIG NEWTONS"; TRUE CONFESSIONS BY
JAY CRONLEY, “I НАТЕ GOLF’S GUTS"; DAVID BAILEY'S PHOTO
STUDIES OF HIS WIFE, MODEL MARIE HELVINS; RICHARD RHODES'S
“WALKING TOUR OF MOUNT ST. HELENS"; PROFILES OF ACTOR
DAVID CARRADINE, BOXER SUGAR RAY LEONARD AND MR. COUNTRY
MUSIC, GEORGE JONES; THE LATEST COMIC MYSTERY FROM DONALD E.
WESTLAKE, FEATURING THAT WONDERFUL HOT ROCKS THIEF, DORT-
MUNDER, “ASK A SILLY QUESTIO! “WHY THE JAPANESE ARE
WINNING THE TECHNOLOGY WAR,” BY PETER ROSS RANGE, WITH
“THE CASE FOR AMERICAR,” A TONGUE-IN-CHEEK INTRODUCTION TO
DETROIT'S NEW SYMBOL, MR. WHITECOAT, BY CHRISTOPHER CERF
AND HENRY BEARD; “SEX IN AMERICA: NEW YORK CITY”; THE
INSIDE STORY OF THE SANTA FE PRISON RIOT, BY ROGER MORRIS;
“A GUERRILLA GUIDE TO THE COMPUTER REVOLUTION,” BY
ROBERT E. CARR; “SPORTS MEDICINE FOR NONJOCKS," BY JOEL
POSNER, M.D. LACK IS BEAUTIFUL," A PICTORIAL ON WOMEN
OF AFRICAN HERITAGE; AND A MAJOR SERIES ON MEN AND WOMEN.

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