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AN
IRRESISTIBLE
SURVEY 4
OF SAUCY
SISTERS

Introducíng

The fírst
ultra low tar
built on

taste.

ЖИЗАК ЫРУ a OS ELE

Warning: The Surgeon Genera! Has Determined
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health

КАВ

МА

EET

New
Winston

Ultra

The first ultra low tar _
balk on taste. E ee

APINA COLADA

But look before you leap. Is it from Heublein?

If so, you're getting into a uniquely delectable
blend of fine rum, the taste of juicy pineapple, and
the enticing essence of coconut.

Like our many other quality cocktails,
it's a most delicious experience.

Why back off from something this good?

Go on. Take the plunge.

GET INTO А HEUBLEIN COCKTAIL.
IS TODAY TOO SOON?

PLAYBOY

An incredible camera. The
Olympus OM-2 was created
with a list of firsts that has
made itsecond to none.

Itwas the first 35mm SLR to
measure light during exposure.
Directly off the film. For fool-
proof exposures under any light
conditions.

The OM-2 was the first to
offer complete exposure control
in every mode of camera opera-
tion. Even with multiple-flash.
Even at the motor drive's blaz-
ing five frames-per-second.

It was the first to combine
total automation with a light,

Buy the OM-2,
the camera that defines the state of the art.

compact, rugged design. With
controls that are designed tobe
used. Not struggled with.

Add to this compatibility with
over 250 interchangeable com-
ponents of the OM System.
Result: the camera that defines
the state of the art.

An incredible offer. And now,
when you buy an OM-2, we'll
create a spectacular work of art
from one of your slides. A
LaserColor™ print worth over
$40. Combining laser light and
computer electronics, the
LaserColor™ process makes
prints of unsurpassed quality

from slides. Compare them to
ordinary prints from slides.

For the first time, true color,
detail and subtle shades come
through.

Let your Olympus dealer
show you what no ad could ever
do justice to. The brilliant
ОМ-2 and an amazing Laser-
Color™ original print.

You'll see why the camera
that's had so many photo-
graphic firsts is first among
knowledgeable photographers.
For information, write Olympus,
Woodbury, N.Y. 11797. In Сап-
ada, W. CarsenCo., Ltd. , Toronto.

And well turn your favorite OM slide

into a work of art. A 16x20 LaserColor print.

Offer Expires May 31, 1981

Photographer: David Deahl, Camera: CM-2. Print by LaserColor

С".
u ]
i

LYMPU
Ы | >

Laboratories.

|
|
|

PLAYBILL

LAST YEAR about this time, Santa Fe, New Mexico's quiet
mage as the artsy-craftsy capital of the Southwest went up
n flames. Inmates of the New Mexico State Penitentiary
had flown into a two-d ing 33 prisoners dead.
Roger Morris, former White House staffer and a New Mexico
resident, started looking for the story behind the bedlam and
untangled the web of forces that produced the most savage
prison riot in U.S. history. His article, Thirty-Six Hours at San-
ta Fe, is a terrifying look at brutality and a shocking indictment
of U.S. prisons. We've got more behind-the-scenes reporting
in How to Buy Life Insurance and Get Out of I1 Alive (illus-
trated by Jomes Higa), by nationally syndicated columnist
John Dorfman. It's probably the best lifeinsurance story since
Double Indemnity, but that was fiction and this is fact and
it may save you from the pitfalls of this particular policy
decision. And if you need any more protection, talk with our
March interviewee, James Garner, also known as Bret Maverick,
Jim Rockford and everyone's favorite Polaroid pitchman
(with an affectionate nod to Mariette Hartley). Garner's
interviewer, Lawrence Lindermon, who previously talked with
Burt Reynolds and Sylvester Stallone for us, now ranks as an
expert on Hollywood he-men. We know some women who
would stroll through the LaBrea tar pits with their shoes off
10 get just five minutes alone with Linderman's address book.
Artist and satirist Derek Pell focused on turning off for The
Joy of Celibacy, a punchy send-up of that current crop of
talk-show propagandists who claim there's no sex like по sex.
If the procelibacy movement sounds like a hustle, check out
Hol Shots: The Country's Top Pool Players Show You Their
Tricks, by Robert Byme, who, as author of Byrne's Standard
Book of Pool and Billiards, knows how to hustle. Some
people think the fourth estate is pulling off a pretty good
hustle, too, as the news biz looks more like showbiz with
each passing day. Associate New York Editor Susan Mergol
Winter collected last ycar's bolfo flaps and flops in print and
TV for a zany but true package called Media Madness 1980,
designed by Associate Art Direcior Bob Post and illustrated by
Doug Taylor. So much for the news—here’s the weather. Looks
like rain, so turn to City Slickers (photographed by Steve
Емен). For a chill, just read The French Lesson, new fiction
from Contributing Editor Aso Baber, whose tale of U. S.-French.
interaction in Vientiane will provide an insight into the
vocabulary of intrigue that you won't get frc

п Berlitz. Your
French may fade, but you'll never forget Scotch after reading
Emanuel Greenberg's Liquor of the Lairds (photographed by
Marie Cosindas).
We're proud to introduce our leggy blonde March
Playmate, Kymberly Herrin, a flute player from Santa Barbara.
Му Sister, My Self, in text and photos featuring some very ve»

BYRNE.

sters, provides the latest word on the old nature-vs-
nurture argument: Why do they act alike? Canadian models"
agent Je Penney has sent several of her clients to us. Jo's charms
were not lost on Photo Director богу Cole, so he popped the
question, Would she pose for us? You bet. By the way, the text
portions of these three pictorials were all written by Associate
Editor Walter L Lowe, who certainly knows how to pick his
assignments. But just in case you think Lowe does nothing
but talk with beautiful women all day, take a look at Playboy
in the News, in which he shortcircuits a strange current of
thought by William F. Buckley, Jr. As you сап sec, there's plenty
to ponder this month, plus everything you need to know
about humidors, darts, auto leasing, wrist watche: пір suits
and sex (at least until next month). But if you have any
questions, don't send them to Lowe—he's away on R&R. And
"roller Bob Seger would say, turn the page. BABER

ARGOLIS-WINIER — TAYLOR EWERT COSINDAS

PLAYEOY (ізін 0032473). MARCH, 1981, VOL 28, NO. 3. PUBLISHED MONTHLY PY PLAYBOY IN NATIONAL AND REGIONAL EDITIONS. PLAYBOY BLDG., $19 М. MICHIGAN AVE., CHGO., ILL. ко
CONTROLLED CIRCULATION POSTAGE PAID AT CHICAGO. ILLINOIS. SUES INTHE U.S., зна FOR эз ISSUES. FOSTHAGTER, SEND FORM 3579 TO PLAYBOY, P.O. BOL загс, COLLDER, COLO, бозо:

LAYBOY.

vol. 28, no. 3—march, 1981 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE
РАВ Be ee К, О ы ACA: ES

THE WORLD OF PLAYBOY .. n

DEAR PLAYBOY ... 15

PLAYBOY IN THE NEWS . . 23

PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS .......... Mer Ace ced d OLD

BOOKS E Nee NP дд ки МЛ i Дым 33

Spy novels with a chilling edge of fru the consummate Honk Willicms

% biography.

pa MOVIES ӨР cu Ж жу. ae E O 22
ре Niro ploys pugilist în Scorsese's Raging Bull: Nine to Five's a riot ell round!

MUSICS N Р Жақ т Me me „сүй 42

Songwriter Rodney тама croans (gutsy ballads; d Playmate Jeane! Manson
tracks a winner.

ELEMIS ION MEA Тыа» Лек АЕН acon abo eode Tu taco 48
Moving portraits of men and their wars, ancient and modern; whodunits return;
Shakespeare revisited; a Nijinsky retrospective features Nureyev.

BINING Téa DRINKING лн Ае Жж, ETT 49
Jo Penney Germaine's is the place for D.C.’s interpretation of a Pan-Asian feast.
RADIO Deere = eee ec sogesa i)
Star Wars brings the Force to the
СОМІЧСТАТВАСПОМ Т e COSE COELI Е 52
Jon Voight primes for another hustling role; more Hollywood strikes Gus
PLAYBOY'S TRAVEL GUIDE ................. STEPHEN BIRNBAUM 55
In Jamaica, things appeor to be looking up.
ИНЕ\РГАҮВОУҮЛАРУ1$ОР ЕИ ЕЕЕ M ОЕК ыт ос. 57
ШНЕРГАҮВОМҒОВИИР ЕЕ Лк ы DE CL С phone 165.
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: JAMES GARNER—candid conversation ....... [7

The affable star of Maverick and The Rockford Files—two of TV's most popular
ond longest-running series—and those Polaroid commercials with nonwife
Mariette Hartley discusses his decision to leave Rockford, getting beaten up on
cn LA. freeway and what he thinks of Hollywood accountants:

THE FRENCH LESSON—fiction ....................... ASA BABER 98
When оп American Marine abroad avenges the deaths of three of his men, he
learns a lesson the military has forgotten: You can annihilate your enemies, but
you can't kill your conscience.

JOIPENNEY——pittorial ЕТЕ E 102
The beautiful lady who owns one of Canada's top modeling and talent agen-
cies is her own best advertisement. Here's to a Penney who looks like a million.

THIRTY-SIX HOURS AT SANTA FE—article .......... ROGER MORRIS 110
It's been а year since this New Mexican prison gained world-wide notoriety as
the scene of the bloodiest riot in U.S. penal history. A journalist's detailed
account of the atrocities committed during those 36 unforgettable hours—and
why that nightmare could be repeated.

LIQUOR OF THE LAIRDS—drink ...........EMANUEL GREENBERG 112
loirds! Liquor - This smoky-flavored brew is favored by moor Scots—and even more Americans.

GENERAL OFFICES: PLAYBOY BUILDING, 919 NORTH MICHIGAN AVE., CHICAGO, ILLINOIS «011. RETURN POSTAGE MUST ACCOMPANY ALL MANUSCRIPTS, DRAWINGS AND PHOTOGRAPHS SUBMITTED
IF TEY ANE то BE RETURNED AND NO RESPONSIBILITY CAN GE ASSUMED FOR UNSOLICITED MATERIALS. ALL RIGHTS IN LETTERS SENT TO PLAYBOY WILL BE TREATED AS UNCONDITIONALLY ASSIGNED
тоя PUBLICATION AND COPYDIGMY PURPOSES AND AS SUBJECT TO PLAYBOY'S UNRESTRICTED RIGHT TO KOIT AND TO COMMENT EDITORIALLY, CONTENTS COPYRIGHT © 1981 BY PLAYBOY. ALL

RIGHTS RESERVED, PLAYBOY AND RABBIT HEAD SYMBOL АНЕ MARKS OF PLAYBOY, REGISTERED U.S. PATENT OFFICE, MARCA REGISTRADA, MARQUE DEFOSEE, NOTHING MAY EE FEPRIKIED IN WHOLE
Gh IN PART WITWOUT WRITTEN PERMISSION FROM TUE PUBLISHER, ANY SIMILARITY BETWEEN THE PEOPLE AND PLACES IN THE FICTION AND TEMIFICTION IN THIS MAGAZINE AND ANY MEAL
PEOPLE AND PLACES {5 PURELY COINCIDENTAL, CREDITS: COVER: MODELS: TRICIA АКО CYBIL BARNSTABLE. DESIGNED AND PHOTOGRAPHED BY TOM STAEELER, OTHER PHOTOGRAPHY BY. DON
rues p tos. PETER 3 RAPIDE. P. 241: ENENT GEAR. Р. 11 (2): CHRIS CALLAS, P. 241; GRANT EDWARDS. P. 12, VERSER CHGELNARD. Р. 5 (2)

COVER STORY

Recognize this dazzling smile? You may remember the Barnstable twins from their Double-
mint commercials. If you really want to double your pleasure, turn to My Sister, My Self
(page 146), showcasing a bevy of sensational siblings. If this is a double standard, we're
all for it. Executive Art Director Tom Staebler designed and shot the cover featuring
Parviz Sadighian’s bipartite Rabbit sculpture.

THE JOY OF CELIBACY—humor ....... савоаесоввевоо DEREK PELL 115
Too much sex getting you down? Bored with manuals, gadgets and groping?
Relax. There are alternatives to sex: Abstention can be fun—and exhilarating.
A Victorian-style guide to everything you need to know to avoid having sex.

WRIST ASSURED—modern living .............--++-- pa ndtv ee ap 118
Gorgeous pieces to keep close at hand.
SANTA BARBARA SIREN— playboy's playmate of the month ........ 120

Kymberly Herrin's talents—she's a virtuoso musician, an expert surfer and а
shrewd real-estate agent—are enhanced by her enchanting physical charms.

PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES—humar ................ рсы: 132
HOW TO BUY LIFE INSURANCE AND
GET OUT OF IT ALIVE—article ............... -..JOHN DORFMAN 134

Your friendly neighborhood salesman claims you can't live without a permanent
policy. The question is, can you live with one? Before you sign on the dotted
line—and shell out a lot of bucks—read this piece carefully.

WHAT PRICE LIFE?

A comparative buying guide to major life-insurance policies.

CITY SLICKERS—attire ... .DAVID PLATT 137
Splash into spring with snazzy new rainwear that'll keep you dry and dapper.

MEDIA MADNESS 1980—humar . .
Carter wasn't the only one who took it on the chin last year. In their finest
moments, the media proved infinitely more ridiculous than the subjects they
covered.

MY SISTER, MY SELF pictori
When it comes to beauty like this, once is never enough. A glorious gallery of
twins who make seeing double a pleasure.

TO BEAT THE DEVIL—ribald classic ...... оте тсе; 157

HOT SHOTS—sports ............. uico ten ROBERT BYRNE 159
А cue-and-A course with pool's power shooters, who show how they rack up.

LE ROY NEIMAN SKETCHBOOK—pictori

20 QUESTIONS: LAUREN НОТТОМ ............................. 170
Revlon's top model—and one of our favorite ex- -Bunnies—talks about acting,
relationships and much more.

PLAYBOY FUNNIES—humor ..........

TUNING IN TO TELEPORTATION— modern li: 185
Install this all-purpose audio-visual system in one place—it'll take you where
you want to go.

PLAYBOY SIPIPELINE ЕРЕ РЕОНИ Е orc me so 189
Man & Woman: dating os an adult; leasing a сог.

A DEEPLY FELT HISTORY OF SEX: PART X—humor ....ARNOLD ROTH 193

214

Prison Riot

Miss Morch

PLAYBOYA POTPOURRI ЛЕ Т E pet е. 216
PLAYBOY PUZZLE ............. d tees c ge EILEEN KENT 241
PLAYBOYSON)THE'SCENE еМ 247

Handsome humidors; singular jump suits; dart equipment; Grapevine; Sex News. Neiman Sketchbook

AICHARD FEGLEY, ғ. 20; PAUL GREMMIER, P. 12 (2); MALDWIN HAMLIN,
(2); pavio MECEY. Р

ЖЕМ HAWRINS, P. 241; RICHARD KLEIN, ғ. з (4), 218 (1); HARRY LANGDON, P. 52: LARRY L LOGAM, ғ. 3,
1), ав (0): MANNY NEUNAUS / EFOTICS GALLERY, P, 241 (т); PEOPLE MAGAZINE. P. 12. PONTO POSAR, ғ.
3 (4); Tom STAEBLER, (8): ERIC WESTON, Р. S1: WIDE WORLD, P- лан (2), ILLUSTRATIONS my: каль моюн, т. se, MIKE
P. 65-67; SKIP WILLIAMSON, P, 241 (2). P. 137-141, WOMEN'S FASHIONS COURTESY MANDMOR, CHICAGO, ILLINOIS, OMITTED FROM JANUARY
1981 CHEGITS PUZZLE ғ. 317, MONROE AND WEST FROM THE COLLECTION CF LESTER CLASSER / NEAL PETERS. INSERTS: AMERICAN EXPRESS Cant ЕТШГЕН P. VO, FRRNDIM ШАТ ғады ЖЕТИМ
тізі YAMAHA INSERT BETWEEN P, 22.33, COLUMBIA RECORD AND TAPE CLUB CARD BETWEEN P- 40:41; PLAYBOY CLUBS INTERNATIONAL CARD BETWEEN P. 1962187. 124.238; TIME-LIFE CARD

PLAYBOY

ә editor and publisher
Wolfschmidt E cn e
LJ ARTHUR KRETCHMER д director
DON GOLD managing editor

GARY COLE
|
۳ =DITORIAL

3. BARRY GOLSON executive editor
|} ARTICLES: JAMES MORGAN edilor; FICTION:

photography director

TOM STAEBLER cxecutive art director
ALICE К. TURNER editor; TERESA GROSCH ds-
sislant editor; STAFF: WILLIAM. J, HELMER,
GRETCHEN MC NEESE, DAVID STEVENS senior edi-
1015; JAMES R. PETERSEN senior staf] writer:
KOBERT Е. CARR, WALTER 1. LOWE, BARBARA
NELLIS, JOHN REZEK associate editors; JOHN
BLUMENTHAL slaff writer; SUSAN MARGOLIS:
WINTER, TOM FASSAVANT asociale new york
editors: KATE NOLAN, J. к. O'CONNOR assistant
editors; SERVICE FEATURES: TOM OWEN
modern living editor; кр WALKER assistant
editor; DAVID PLATT fashion director; MARLA
SCHOR assistant editor; CARTOON MICHELLE
UkRY editor; COPY: ARLENE BOURAS editor;
STAN AMBER assistant editor; JACKIE JOHNSON,
MARCY MARCHI, BARI LYNN NASH, CONAN
PUTNAM, PEG SCHULIZ, DAVID TARDY, MARY
ZION researchers; CONTRIBUTING EDITORS:
ASA BABER, STEPHEN BIRNBAUM (travel), LAW-
RENCE GRONEL, ANSON MOUNT, PETER ROSS
RANGE, RICHARD RHODES. DAVID STANDISH, BRUCE
WILLIAMSON (movies); CONSULTING EDI-
TORS: LAWRENCE 5. DIETZ, LAURENCE GONZALES

ART

KeRIG rore managing director; LEN WILLIS,
CHET suski senior directors; BRUCE HANSEN
ROR POST, SKIP WILLIAMSON associate director
THEO KOUVATSOS, JOSEPH PACZFR assistant
directors; wern клык senior art assistant
PEARL MIURA, JOYCE PEKALA ari assisiants;
SUSAN HOLMSTROM Laffic coordinator; BAR-
BARA HOFEMAN administrative assistant

PHOTOGRAPHY

MARILYN CRABOWSKI west coast editor; JEFF
COHEN, JANICE MOSES associate editors; RICH-
ARD FEGLEY, POMPEO rosam staf] phologra-
bhers; JAMES LARSON photo manager; MLL
AKSENAULT, DON AZUMA, DAVID CHAN, NICHOLAS
DESCIOSE, PHIL DIXON, ARNY FREYTAG,
DWIGHT HOOKER, к. SCOIT HOOPER, RICHARD
ШІЛ, STAN MALINOWSKI, KEN MARCUS contrib-
uting photographers; гатту BEAUDET assistant
editor: marx MURKY (London), JEAN MERRE
MOLLEY (Paris), Luisa stewart (Rome) cor-
respondents; james warn color lab supervi-
sor; көшет CHELIUS administrative editor

PRODUCTION
JOHN MASTRO director; ALLEN VARCO manager:
МАША MANDIS assistant manager; ELENNORE
WAGNER, JODY JURGETO, RICHARD QUAKTAROLI
assistants

Ж > READER SERVII
Р CYNTHIA LACEY-SIKICH. manager

CIRCULATION

Wolfschmidt is made here to the same RICHARD SMITH direclor; ALVIN WIEMOLD sub-
supreme standards which elevated it to spg OPORTO é 5
appointment to his Majesty the Czar and the zo [асо ADVERTISING
Imperial Romanov Court. HENRY W. MARKS director

The spirit of the Czar lives on. i 2 ADMINISTRATIVE

MICHAEL LAURENCE business manager; PATRICIA
PAPANGELIS administrative editor; FAULETTE
слет rights è permissions manager; MIL-

DRED ZIMMERMAN administrative assistant

Wolfschmidt
Genuine Vodka

PLAYROY ENTERPRISES, INC.
DERICK J. рахи president

Product of U.S.A. Distilled from grein - Available in 80 and 100 proof- Wolfschmidt, Relay, Md.

А comparison of projections from manufacturers à
treadwear ratings under the new government Uniform Tire Quality
Grading System indicates that on a government-specified course:

Uniroyal Steeler projected
to last 15,000 more miles

than comparable Goodyear
or Firestone tires.

The U.S. Department of Transporta-
tion recently gave the public a standard
yardstick to compare tires by.

Clip and take this ro your Uniroyal dealer:

г-"----------------

MANUFACTURERS' RATINGS* FOR

I
| U.S. GOVERNMENT QUALITY GRADING SYSTEM ffo

PROJECTION
FMI JE ОМЁ

-----

Н А 5 ЕКТ-

Now, each tire company is required by! x SPECIFIED _ !
law to grade its tires in three areas. Traction. | Manufacturer/Tire: | Resstance d TEST Iu
Temperature resistance. And treadwear. E

And then to emboss the resulting Н Saron, В/С 220 66,000 І
grades on the side of the tires. ig SENE 4

When compared, most ofthe similarly ү 1 B/C 170 51,000 1
priced steel-belted radials іп the chart fared в Custom Polysteel 2) 4
equally well in the traction test. Same for 1 FIRESTONE І
temperature resistance. 1 721 B/C 170 51,000 1

But one tire pulls ahead of the pack Y CENERAL oru E. KE 1
when it comes to the important grade that : Dual Steel II B/C 170 51,000 І
indicates the relative wear rate of your tire. i i

That tire: the Uniroyal Steeler. B.F GOODRICH | R/C 170 51,000

8 Е Life Saver ХІМ І

In fact, when you translate its 220 rat- =
ing into projected miles on the government- 42.000 1
specified course, you see it was no photo 2

finish.

On that course, the mileage projection
for the Uniroyal Steeler is 66,000 miles.

That's 15,000 miles longer than the rat-
ings the comparable Goodyear, Goodrich,
Firestone or General tires would project.

And 24,000 miles longer than Michelin's
rating would project.

These mileage projections (including
those in the chart) should be used for com-
parison only. You will probably not achieve
these results. Actual treadlife will vary
substantially due to your driving habits,
condition of vehicle and, in many sections
of the country, road condi-
tions and climate.

See your Uniroyal dealer
for details.

UNIROYAL

you want Uniroyal there.

When you compare,

літер

BOW STREET DISTI
DUBLIN

“Seotchon the rocks.”

If you like Scotch, you'll love light, fine Scotch — only lighter and more

imported Jameson Irish — and what delicate.
better day to try it than St. Patrick's. Тһе dedicated Scotch drinker will
Try a glass of Jameson Irish the way you instantly appreciate this flavor difference.
would your favorite Scotch. With water. Though it may take a little time getting
Soda. On the rocks. used to saying, “Jameson Irish on the
You'll notice how much it tastes like rocks, please.’

Jameson. World's largest-selling Irish Whiskey.

ВО PROOF • CALVERT DIST CO., N.Y.C.

THE WORLD ОҒ PLAYBOY

in which we offer an insider look at what's doing and who's doing it
6

BARELY DRESSING FOR SUCCESS
Robin Young looks like the prize in this shot, but really, her prize was a
United Artists screen test at Playboy Mansion West. Winner of a contest
sponsored by Playboy and United Artists, Robin was promplly cast in the
upcoming James Bond film For Your Eyes Only, starring Roger Moore.

FEMLIN: A WOMAN ІМ HER PRIME

Baseball great Rusty Staub, beside actress/model
Debra March, catches LeRoy Neiman painting the fa-
mous gloves of his 25-year-old creation at the Femlin's
25th-birthday party at New York's Magique disco.

SARAH SIGNS
UP FOR SOME
KIDS' SAKE

Sarah Purcell signs
a REAL PEOPLE T-shirt
at Playboy Mansion
West during the an-
nual Rainbow/Amie
Karen Cancer Fund
benefit. А record
sum Was raised by
Showbiz volunteers,
including Rich Little
and Henry Winkler.

DRESSING TO EXCESS

You can dress them up, but can you take them
out? Above, eye-patched John DeCarlo jollies
Aladdin, a.k.a. Gabe Kaplan, at Hef's latest Man-

TWO POPCORNS AND A PEPSI, PLEASE
Former Monogram Pictures stars Huntz Hall of the Bowery Boys and Anne
Jeffreys help Hef dedicate the newly named Hugh M. Hefner Little Theater, the

oldest screening room in Hollywood. Hefner funded its restoration after the І
Omate room was discovered beneath old wallboard on Monogram's former Se ae Gites nica oe
Jot, which is presently the home of Los Angeles public-TV station KCET. Tha Cowboy and dhe Lady ct he come рну

THE WORLD ОҒ PLAYBOY

ЖҰР”
PLAYMATE UPDATE: MARTHA
MAKES VANITIES A HOT TICKET

Martha Smith, who decorated our gate-
fold in July of 1973 (above), peps up the
opening scene of Vanities, which she
also produced at the Beverly Hills Theater
(she's in the center а! left). Someone
must have realized that Martha played a
cheerleader in the film Animal House.

TWO FOR THE ROAD:
CANDY AND MONIQUE

At left, world Grand Prix
racing champion Alan
Jones, beside December
1979 Playmate Candace
Collins, holds his U.S.
Grand Prix trophy high aft-
er his victory at Watkins
Glen in New York. The ғуы
1979 Playmate of the Year, 4 4
Monique St. Pierre, right, is Шо =
suited up to drive in the

pro-celebrity race, also on |
the Watkins Glen schedule.

“WOT
A

JUST LET ME WHISPER IN YOUR EAR, HONEY

Amy Lou, a gray beluga whale, shares a secret with Manhattan Bunny Jen-
nifer, below, at the New York Aquarium at Coney Island. Jennifer and other
New York Bunnies later played volleyball to benefit the Save the Whale Fund.

ART FOR ARTHUR'S SAKE
At a Lubin House Gallery, New York, exhibit of.
PLAYBOY arl, sponsored by Syracuse University and

PLAYBOY, Ar! Director Arthur Paul spots Clarice
12 Rivers, model for the sculpture in the foreground.

“Last year I switched to rum.

е 2?
This year I graduated to the flavor of Myers’:
Drench your orange juice with the one
ruh that dares to be delicious. Myers's Rum.
In any kind of mixer, even by itself.
The reason? Myers's master blending.
It makes the rum smoother, softer. For the
ultimate in rum taste. Try Original Dark
Myers s Rum.

What makes Myers5 precious imported
rum cost more, makes Myers’ taste better.

g
Н
в
Š
е
ЕЗ
Е
8
E
Е

TER. Taste how Myerss improves on cola, soda, tonic, fruit juice. Free Recipe Book:
Dept. PB, PO. Box 4605, Westbury, New York 11590. Offer expires December 31, 1981.

ALKA-SELT ZER.
AMERICAS
HOME REMEDY.

NOTHING WORKS BETTER, NOTHING IS MORE SOOTHING.

On any given night, in any given town, someone in America is waking up
with an upset stomach and an aching head.

Groping in the dark, they make their way to the medicine chest. And there
between the cotton balls and the bandages they reach for America's home
remedy. Alka-Seltzer. D

They know Alka-Seltzer is effective. And they're comforted in knowing it's
gentle, too. As they shuffle back to bed, they also know Alka-Seltzer will bring
relief quickly. Just like it did last time.

So make sure America's Home Remedy is in your home. Because
someday you'll be very relieved to find it there.

DEAR PLAYBOY

ADDRESS DEAR PLAYBOY
PLAYBOY BUILDING
919 N. MICHIGAN AVE.
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611

GREAT SCOTT?

The December Playboy Interview
with George С. Scott is the first feature
I have had the pleasure of reading in
your magazine. 1 especially like his
straight-from-the-shoulder comment on
his disapproval of the people who took
off for Canada during the Vietnam war
and then had the guts to want to come
home after the shooting had stopped.

Paul S. Fulkerson
San Francisco, California

For starters, Scott's Stone Age remarks
about Tran and warfare are asinine. I'm
thankful that he wasn't the actor elected
President last year. I hope he read the
article by Dick Gregory in the same issue,
but I doubt that it would have had any
effect. As far as his remarks about acting
and actors, after putting down all
awards, he accepted an Emmy after turn-
ing down an Oscar. In my book, that's
hypocritical. As far as I'm concerned,
Scott's reputation as а hell-raiser greatly
exceeds his talent as an actor, One cheer,
at best, for the not-so-great Scott!

Tom Peyarnik
Youngstown, Pennsylvania

Alter reading George C. Scotts inter-
view in the December issue, I'm thrilled
to find a man with guts to say what he
thinks is right. As a Viet vet, I can
identify with his stand on the war. We
shouldn't have been there in the first
place, but we were and we should have
given it our best shot. When I was there,
1 felt I was being used. Our leaders, hah,
hah, weren't trying to win. No one ever
told us we had a plan or a strategy. Our
most common ploy was to search and
destroy. What a laugh. We would fly
around with a load of grunts who were
scared stiff. The Hueys would fly low
and try to draw fire. If they did, we
would land the grunts, who didn't know
where they were or what they were up

against, but they did their best. It was
crazy. The guy who thought that one up
is sitting on Madison Avenue, thinking
up new tampon commercials. The whole
thing was like sending а pro-football
team into a game with no plays.

Mark Reeb

Springfield, Ohio

Tt was refreshing to find out that Scott
is a funny, lost and somewhat intelligent
human being—just like most of us who
are wondering what the hell life is all
about. The interview has a rare atmos-
phere about it: I felt as though tough
old George were sitting across the table
from me, sipping some brew and laugh-
ing it up: and I attribute that to your
excellent interviewer, Lawrence Grobel,
and to Scott's intuitive s on life
and the nature of ma

Neil C. Garrison, M.D.
South Pasadena, California

rema

GREGORY IN IRAN
Dick Gregorys artide Inside Kho-
meini's Iran (PLAYBOY, December) should
be required reading for every thought-
ful concerned. American on the volatile
i ag in Iran. It illuminates
many of the ambiguous aspects of the
hostage crisis as presented in the Amer-
ican press. It's impossible after reading
Gregory's article not to look deeper into
the crisis and its ramifications. Many
thanks to your thoughtful magazine for
publishing such a relevant, timely and
much-needed article on the Iranian ст
Teddy Ramsey
New York, New York

If, as Dick Gregory claims, martyrdom
is so sacred to Iranians that it is more
to be desired than the Nobel Peace Prize,
perhaps he can explain why tens of
thousands of military-age Iranian stu-
dents are sitting tight іш the United
States while their country is engaged in
what their Ayatollah declares is a “holy

PLAYBOY, (ізің 0032-1478), MARCH

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home withou

war" Could it be that martyrdom is
easier to risk. when hundreds ог thou-
sands of Iranians are attacking ап em-
sy building protected by 10 or 20
Marine guards than it is against a well-
equipped invading Iraq

Jim Thoi

Paynesville, Minnesota

BATTEN DOWN THE HUTCHES

Not all midshipmen at the United
States Naval Academy are dull, straight-
edged istic. Some of them en-
joy having a good time every once in a

while. This PLAYBOY Rabbit painted
on the Naval Academy field house by a
group of enterprising mids in the spring
of 1980.
Casey, Kelly and Sargeant Troy
Annapolis, Maryland

SALINGER SALLY
Funny, after all this time, I had
thought that Holden Caulfield (Holden
Caulfield at Middle Age, PLAYBOY, De-
cember) had grown up to be the one
and only Hunter Thompson! Thank you
so much, David Standish, for springing
Holden out of the mental w
bringing him back into our h
ol sport! Salinger should be proud
Juli Eddings
Amarillo, Texas

A close-up of Holden Caulfield a long
generation later is an intriguing idea,
penned with uncanny skill. The world
has darkened and hardened since he was
16, and so has Holden. How could he
not? You don’t want to hear about it.
But I was glad to. Right on, Standish!
Walter Havighurst
Oxford, Ohio

CAMPANA UNMASKED

Your answer concerning the use of the
hallucinogenic campana in Puerto Rico
(The Playboy Advisor, November) has
been brought to my attention. The plant
іп question is not Ipomoea triloba, as
you suggest, but Datura suaveolens, a
close relative of Jimson weed. Its major
components are tropane alkaloids such
as scopolamine, hyoscyamine and atro-
pine. Those compounds are toxic and
hallucinogenic; thus, the use of datura
is best considered a dangerous practice
In some individuals, permanent. psycho-
sis may occur, while in very sensitive
individuals, pulmor

sult. I would suggest that you warn your
readers about the dangers of campana
and other members of the nightshade
family.
José L. Vivaldi, Ph.D., Director.
Coordination Office
Scientific Research Area
Department of Natural Resources
San Juan, Puerto Rico
Thanks for the word to the wise. The
“Advisor's” advice still holds true: “Wear
the flower in your lapel, not in your
frontal lobe.”

LEAPIN' LIZARDS
As a horseshoer and mule packer, 1
have to admit that I get a big kick out
of all your macho boot ads. But the
Nocona ad (rLAvmov. December, page
70), in which some yahoo is going after
a Gila monster with a barbed-wire-fenc-
ing tool, is a little too much to stomach.
Gila monsters are an endangered species
and deserve a little more consideration
from PLaytoy. I personally would like to
use a barbed-wirefencing tool to per-
form a vasectomy оп the jackass who
dreamed up that ad
Dave Foreman
Glenwood, New Mexico
Hold on, Dave. Those Nocona boot
ads, superbly illustrated by Alex Ebel,
are some of our personal favorites.
Besides, we'd bet if that lizard had a
toc hold on your shiny new boots, you'd
endanger it yourself.

SHE VANTS TO BE ALONE

Let me be the first to lay daim to
stealthy number 34 (Playboy Puzzle,
December), whose superb hide-and-seek
tactics allowed her to elude even your

sharp-eyed Mans I, not to mention

مہ
ТЕСЕ. ME f)‏ =
acd‏

the editors of the puzzle page. When
apprehended, perhaps she might try her

St. Paul, Minnesota

Number 34 is all yours, Alan. But we

doubt that you'll be very happy with a
girl that shy.

MUZZLING MIDLER

I wish your movie reviewer (Playboy
After Hours, December) hadn't made the
unqualified statement that Bete Midler
uncensored is too hot for the home
screen. Her entire uncensore
been seen on my home
TV and no one w

show has
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PLAYBOY

or turned into a pillar of salt,
or whatever js supposed to happen to
people who are exposed to four-letter
words оп TV. Your reviewer should have
said that Midler's show (and almost any
PG- or R-rated movie, for that matter),
would be considered too obscene by th
networks and their censors. Whether such.
shows are seen and heard in the privacy
of one’s home or elsewhere is totally
irrelevant, Just to illustrate my point, a
network censor was-recently interviewed
in i vine, and he said that
the network chiefs really get alarmed
when апу show gets 400 protest calls.
Even assuming only 1,000,000 viewers of
that show, which isnt much, that vocal
bunch of blucnoses constitutes only four
hundredths of one percent, and yet that
was the network's threshold of worried
nail biting. Now, hats incredible!
Robert E. Ruckma
Arlington, Virgin

TERRI-FIC
Its obvious that rLayeoy saves the
best for last. Aud Miss December is proof
of that. Terri Welles is what fantasies are
made of. Thank you, ptavsoy, for an-
other nice Christmas surprise.
D. C. Schappell
Baltimore, Mary

is a golden goddess and I envy
who commands her company.
Today I mailed in my new subscription,
but ои will be a long time before t
issue leaves my hands.

Tony Cook

Chattanooga, Tennessee

1 would like to thank rLaysoy for
bringing me Terri Welles, the most
beautiful woman 1 have ever seen. Her

gorgeous face and luscious body will be
able to pull me through the cold wintei
months that lie ahead. 1 was debating
whether or not to renew my subscription
10 your magazine. but seeing Miss Welles
helped me decide. My check is in
the ma

Greg Smith
Greensboro, North Carolin,

АП Т can say is that Miss Terri Knep.
per, or Terri Welles, or whatever her
name is, has my vote for Playmate of
the Century; wow!

Lackey

le, Tennessee
Sorry about the confusion, Buddey, but

Knepper was just too much of a tongue

libister for Terri's néw career

We have tried desperately to find the
perfect words to describe her. For us,
two words sum it up: utterly amazing.

Ron Pipinich
Scott Trefaller
Moscow, Idaho

Never in our experience (which is
quite extensive) of reading PLAYBOY

e we эсеп a Playmate as beautiful as
i Welles. If she had appeared in
your magazine before we started col
lege, we would have immediately switched
our majors to the study of that gorgeous
lace and body. She gets our votes for
Playmatc of the Ycar, hands down

The Men of Third Floor McLaughlin
University of Santa Clara

ма Clara, Californi:

Who says that angels exist only in
heaven and that goddesses only a
myth? Terri Welles has definitely got
our votes for Playmate of the Year! We
lize that another look at Terri may
have devastating effects, but we want
our last request—one more breath-
ing phato.

The 41 Men of Fra

Towa Stare University

Ames, lowa

We could hardly refuse a last request,

or even a first one, for another picture

lin House

of Terri, gentlemen. It will be interest-
ing lo see, however, how you divide this
picture 11 ways.

DOUBLE STANDARD NOT DEAD

In James R. Petersen's December art
de, Desire, 1 am quoted as saying: “I
think that a woman who has had 17 sex
partners will not be condemned by
her partner." If you check the tape re-

cording of the interview, you will find
that I didn't make that statement; Dr.
Jane Traupmann, a colleague of mine

speaking about her impressions of today's
men and women in their 30s, did. Nor
do I agree with it. Research by John
DeLamater and Patricia. MacCorquodale
(Premarital Sexuality: Attitudes, Rela-
tionships, Behavior) indicates that to-
„ for both men and women of college
the ideal is love or affection. with
sex. Men and women are most likely to
have sex with a person they love and
expect to marry. Few have more than

five sex tners. Although the dou-
ble standard is dying, it is not vet dead.
There are still enormous differences in
how a sexual man and a sexual woman
are judged. Thus, L think the typical
an would feel distinctly uncomfortable
with a wo
perienced than himself. Aside trom that,
the article is a fine one.
Elaine Hatfield
Professor of Sociology
University of Wisconsin
Madison, Wisconsin

а who was so much more ex-

BERGER FICTION

Thanks for the Christmas present

(Tales of the Animal Grime Squad,

rLAYBov, December). I never laughed so

hard. Thomas Berger isa great storyteller.
Melissa LePerc

Prospect Park, Pennsylvania

IN MEMORY OF MARILYN

Congratulations to PLAYHoY and
Richard Fegley for the exquisite pic
torial on Linda Kerridge. Double Take
(ғ.Ауноу, December) shows once again
Fegley is a true artist. As for Linda—
she's lovely.

ack Beal
Beloit, Wisconsin

She has to be the nicest export from
Australia since the ka

FEMLIN FATHER

Your December feature on
aniversary of LeRoy Neiman’s Femlin
sisaupgrb.,[n all of the years J have been
reading PrAYsov, I don’t recall. having
read a letter from а reader praising
ciman’s talent, and I would like to go
on record as doing so. Anyone who saw
his exhibit “Horses the Hammer
Galleries in New York in December
1979, as well as his many sports illustra-
tions that have appeared in тїлувоу,
can attest to the fact that he is one of
the greatest artists on the scene today. In
fact, I look forward to cach issue of
PLAYBOY that contains his sketches and
have accumulated quite а collection of
his work.

the 25th

Charles G. Gessner
Knoxville, Tennessee

JUST HORSING AROUND

In six consecutive issues of your m;
zine—]une through November, 1980.
pages 171, 133, 157. 149, 123 and 134,

spectively—you have published pic-
tures of women posing with horses. Is
that just coincidence, or does it represent
some sort of trend?

A.W. Northam
Tuleberg, California

Listen, Northam, ше play "Find. thc
Rabbit" around. here. We don't know

from horses.

5 то, "tar", 0.4 mg. nicotine av. per cigarette, FIC Report Jan. 1980.

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>

“Неу, look who switched
to Natural Light."

"It's that famous hooky player, the finest natural ingredients. He just
Gordie Howe. Gordie switched because likes the taste.
he thinks Natural Light tastes better. So if your goal is great taste ina
That's why he put those other light beers light beer, check this tip from Gordie.
in the penalty box. Next time you're in your favorite bar, ask
Gordie doesn't know that Natural for a Natural Light. It's the one light beer
Light's great taste comes from using only you can stick with"

Taste is why you'll switch.

ANHEUSER BUSCH, INC + ST. LOUIS, MO.

Playboy in the News

as others see us— following up on playboy stories and ideas that have made news

When the A

Defamation League of

nai Brith announced last September
that it was giving its First Amendment
Freedoms Award to гглүвоү Publisher

Hugh Hefner, the news was apparently
more than conservative pundit William
Е. Buckley, Jr., could bear. It was prob-
ably only a temporary snap, caused by
the strain of his dauntless mission to
convince people that God is a conserva-
tive. In a moment of apostolic apoplexy,
Bill Buckley wrote a nationally syndicated
column criticizing the A.D.L. and Hefner
that appeared in the Los Angeles Herald
Examiner under the cumbersome title
x Omnia Vincit: With Friends Like
This Man, the Amendment Doesn't.
Need Enemi

Buckle gument against the A.D.L.'s
decision to honor Hefner gocs like this:
Hefner is a man of essentially criminal
mentality—Buckley says “underworld”
but draws an analogy between Hefner
and Billie Sol Estes, Louis B. Mayer and
Joe Bonanno—who, like those other so-
cial outcasts, has sought “the approval of
the same community he systematically
despoils by ostentatious public bene
tions.” Therefore, Buckley contends, by
honoring Hefner, the A.D.L. has both
legitimized a public enemy and, in effect,
prostituted itself.

Most of his column is an attempt to
convince the reader, the A.D.L. and per
haps himself that Hefner is a wicked
man, а man whose personal philosophy
is antithetical to the human rights the
First Amendment protects. Buckley has
to prove Hefner's villainy, of course, be-
cause his entire t rests on it.
However, it's troublesome to prove a fan-
tasy without resorting to arcane methods
Buckley chose three: misinformation, irra-
tionality and a cunning imagination.
or instance, in his opening ра
graph, after putting Hefner in the same
dass as Bonanno, he goes on to imply
that Hefner's primary motivation for
starting PLAYBOY was to get the estab-
lishment to like him: "His formula
was... make a lot of money by pander-
ing to the sexual appetite, clevating it
to primacy—then spend part of that
money coseducing critics or potential
critics"

It seems that. Buckley has lost histor-
пзе “pandering to
ppetite, elevating it to pri
in the moral atmosphere of 1953,
when rravnov was first published, was
by ute to winning friends
and influencing people. Buckley fails to
recognize the obvious fact that PLAYBOY
was and is more than a sex magazine, or

the sex!

it could never have survived the decade
in which it was born. And, finally, we
wonder what Buckley means when he says
“co-seducing critics.” Docs he mean that
the critics wanted to be seduced, that
they sort of seduced themselves? Buckley
doesn't clarify co-seducing but plunges
on resolutely to an example of one such
supposed seduction.

“It was years ago," Buckley writes,
“that Harvard theologian Harvey Cox
wrote an essay on PLAYBOY, denominat-
ing it the single most brazen assault on
the human female as a person in general
circulation [sic]. What seemed like mo-
ments later, the same scholar found him-

novel, Who's on First, which appeared
last February. Since Buckley has received
Hefner's
soul left
her high-
if not hypocritical. for him to
damn Cox. Buckley fails to recognize the
possibility that once Cox, an open-
minded man, examined rrLAvmov and
had the opportunity to meet Hefner and
engage him in debate, he concluded on
his own that PLAYBOY was not the Devil's
work.

We also wonder how Buckley arrived
at his view of "what rLaynoy essentially
is.” Neither Hefner nor The Playboy Phi-

self writing earnest essays for PLAYBOY,
and before long he forgot all about his
mission to identify rLavsoy for what it
essentially іс an organ that seeks to
justify the superiordination of sex over
all other considerations—loyalty to fam-
ily, any principle of self-discipline, any
respect for privacy or chastity or modesty.

Our first question, in light of Buckley's
previous paragraph, is, if Cox was "co-
seduced," what was the lure? Is Buckley
g that an eminent Harvard theolo-
1 accepted some sort of payoll? Is
Buckley arguing that once Cox received
money lor an artide from PrAYnov, his
soul was tainted and it was just a matter
of time before he became completely cor-
rupted? If that’s the case, Buckley may
have to look for smudges on his own soul,
since he's been the subject of the Playboy
Interview; debated Norman Mailer in
these pages, written two artides for us
(December 1970 and January 1973) and
sold playboy an excerpt from his latest

losophy has ever argued a
loyalty, self-discipline, privacy or
other virtues Buckley holds dear. What.
pravnoy hac tried to say is that the hu-
man sex drive, if ignored or rejected out
of a sense of guilt, can cause psycho-
logical damage and social aberration;
whereas, if expressed in a guilt-free at-
mosphere, it benefits both the individual
and, indirectly, the society. In short,
rrAYmOY has argued against repression,
rather than for promiscuity.

Unable to make that distinction,
Buckley advises the A.D.L., an organiza-
tion devoted to combating discrimina-
tion against Jews and other minorities,
that “Any serious disciple of Hugh
Hefner would not hesitate to purr anti-
Semitic lovelies into the ears of his
bunny if that was what was required to
effect seduction.” With that curmudgeon-
ly statement, Buckley not only displays
his respect for the intelligence of
PLAYBOY's readers—the same readers һе

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hoped would read his interview, his de-
bate, his articles and his fiction—he also
seems to have a very strange concept of
the kind of conversation that turns wom-
еп on (at least the women we know).

Later in the column, Buckley says,
Even as Hugh Hefner sells pictures of
parted pudenda in order to make a dol-
lar, а nickel of which he donates to
institutions devoted to the rights of Nazis
to march in Skokie and of fellow por-
nographers to hawk their wares. . . ."
We're glad to know that Buckley ap-
parently knows what parted pudend
are; however, wherever he's seen them, it
this magazine. rLAYnoY
doesn't photograph women quite so
graphically. Howev re reminded
that certain other magazines do. Prob-
ably when a guy buys a lot of them each
month, he gets them all confused. That
confusion undoubtedly contributes to
Buckley's rather broad concept of por-
nography and pornographers. While
pLaypoy and the Playboy Founda
have always advocated the right to free-
dom of speech, Playboy Enterprises ha
never distributed, nor published, sex:
material that we (or the vast majority of
the public) consider pornographic.

But that is the least of Buckley's male-
dictions in that statement. The worst is
the low blow he deals the American
Civil Liberties Union and every other
organization devoted to protecting the
First Amendment by saying such organi-

hasn't been

. we

ion

ions are "devoted to the rights of

zis,” etc. Buckley intentionally
the impression that organizations like the
A.C.L.U. condone Nazi activities while,
the same time, he obscures the fact 0
the First Amendment protects not only
Nazis but everyone else. Perhaps Buckley
thinks it shouldn't, in which case һе
should say so directly

Finally, having roused himself to
moral indignation, Buckley pontificates:
“The A.D.L. raises money to combat
discrimination by honoring the principal
agent of the kind of selfishness that di
prives racial toleration of the ultimate
sanction. This sanction rests on the pro
found belief in the sanctity of the in-
dividual, yes, even that of the nubile
girl.” Before attempting to unravel the
inchoate logic contained in that quou
we'd like to express our surprise at being
informed that Hefner is the principal
agent of the spiritual despoliation of
America. What with Satan and the Mafia
around, we'd have thought that Hef
would've come in no higher than third
on Buckley's list. We find Buckley's rea-
soning mind-boggling. He charges that
selfishness—specifically, sexual selfish-
ness—is an obstacle to racial harmony
because the ideal of a nondiscriminato-
ry society is based on the belief that every
on is sanctified or holy and sex
selfishness is unholy. If we're all holy їп

ves

God's eyes (presumably whether naked
or clothed), how сап anything alter that?
And if the nubile girl is sanctified, does
she lose that sanctity because she poses
nude in а magazine?

The crus of the matter is that Buckley
feels qualified to determine what God
loves and what He doesn't, and accord-
ing to Buckley, God doesn't like sexy
pictures or libidinal drives or naked
nubile girls. The Bible, on the other
hand, says that when God made the
world, He saw that it was good. Не
made no exceptions for sex or those who
enjoy it. But Buckley has always had
this little urge to make the world into
his picture of how it ought to be. So pei
haps his portrait of Hefner and PLAYBOY
should be balanced with a quote from
the A.D.L. brochure honoring Hefner

For over a quarter of a century,
Mr. Hefner and Playboy Enter-
prises, Inc, have invested a great
deal of effort, including financial
resources, into a number of areas
relating to individual freedoms. Mr.
Hefner has supported the Student
Press Law Center, the nation’s lead-
ing authority on free press rights
for student journalists: the Media
Coalition, concerned with restric-
tions on freedom of the press; the
Reporter’s Committee for Freedom
of the Press, the only organization
devoted to provid rch and
legal services for First Amendment
issues encountered іп publishing
news; the annual Hugh M. Hefner
First Amendment Awards to rec
ognize the efforts of individuals
working to protect and enhance con-
stitutional guarantees; and helped
maintain—by grants from the
Playboy Foundation—a number of
national organ
protecting freedom of speech.

He has given his name and sup
port to a number of fundraising
activities to benefit numerous health
and sociilservice agencies, includ-
ing the John Tracy Clinic, the Cys-
tic Fibrosis and the
Amie Karen Cancer Fund . . . and
he works constantly оп behalf of
First Amendment Rights through
local courts and organizations for
the benefit of all segments of society.

Hugh Hefner's impact оп the
rights of others far
personal success he has achieved.

ions dedicated to

Foundation

surpasses the

Buckley may not like Hefner's busi-
ness, but in the opinion of many. includ-
ing the Л.Р... Hefner has transcended
his role as a businessman. Buckley, on
the other hand, if his column is any
indication, is in the business of character
assassination. IE only he could transcend
his role as elfectively as Hefner has.

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PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS

PLAYING FOR KEEPS.

The Longview, Texas, police report
that a masked bandit walked into a con-
venience store brandishing his thumb
and forefinger and demanded that the
clerk empty the cash register. The clerk
ked if the bandit was serious. When
the robber replied yes, the clerk handed
over ап undetermined amount of moncy.

MOTHER'S DAZE

Leontina Albina just may put Chile's
Planned Parenthood movement out of
whack permanently. Mrs. Albina, 54, is
currently expecting her 45th child. “My
oldest is 36,” says the potential patron
saint of Hallmark Cards. Топ e things
even more interesting. all of Leontina's
kids have the same father, Gerardo Al-
bina, 59, a retired laborer who lives on a
civil-service pension of $128 a month.
Despite the uniqueness of her situation,

Mrs. Albina is not impressed by her
fame. "People told me I was becoming
famous,” she shrugs. "I didn't know at

first. We can't afford a newspaper." May-
be if neighbors would chip ad buy
them а gift subscription, they'd have
something new to do with their time.

CHAIRMAN OW

When guests visit Johnny Carson's
Tonight Show, they act alert, and with
good reason. The guest chairs are built to
be hard and uncomfortable. Their job is
10 keep guess from falling asleep,
“especially if they've had too much to
drink.” says the show's art director. John
Shrum. According to writer /wit Marshall
Brickman, the concept of strange guest
chairs dates back to when he was head
writer for the show and invented the
Brickm Speedy Swivel Guest Chair
"When the conversation becomes mono-
syllabic on both sides,” he explains, “it
automatically tilts back slowly and
dumps the guest into an alligator pit.”

These days, of course, the chair has been
updated. Horrified guests are dumped
into either the NBG Programing Depart-
ment or Tom Snyder's dressing room.

A SEMINOLE IDEA

Hollywood, Florida, is faced with a
controversial and burning moral issue
these days, that corrupt chancre on our
virtue, that roller coaster to hell: bingo.
Little old ladies are being lured ош of
church ngo parlor that
offers valet parking, seats for 1200 people,
two snack bars, five large апа brightly
lit boards and jackpots of up to $19,000.
We have laws, you say, to prevent this
kind of public depravity. Quite right, but
the establishment is owned by Seminole
Indians, who contend that their reserva-
tion is а sovereign nation, exempt from
this kind of regulation. Broward County

asements to а E

Sheriff Robert Butterworth doesn't agree
and based his campaign for re-election
on a bustthe-Seminole-bingo-game plat-
form—and won. But the Seminoles still
plan to defend their rights to wager out-
rageous fortunes—perhaps with slings
and arrows.

CONVENIENCE BANKING

A couple in Boston rented a safe-de-
posit box at one of the large downtown
banks. Nothing unusual about that. ex
cept that every day at Mon
through Friday. they would check out
their safe-deposit box, take it into one
of the private vault rooms, stay there
for an hour or so, check the Бох back in
and leave. After many weeks of this,
bank officials became and
nally confronted the couple and asked
them what they were doing. They ex
plained that inside the box were nap-
kins and saltand.pepper shakers and
that the vault rooms provided a quic
private and relaxing place to have lunch.

noon,

curious

HOLY SMOKE

А 48-year-old nun was thrown into jail
in southern Greece after her superior at
the Pepolinitsis convent found her smok:
ing Cannabis in her room
is alleged to have grown the Indian hemp
in the convent garden. She told police
that she took the drug because it helped
ha i more in her prayers.
She denied planting the hemp herself,
maintaining that it was "God's breezes
that I nto the garden,
where they took root. While we're still
uncertain as to how the sister managed
to obtain papers to twist up her sanctified
smoke, we think that this undeniably
qualifies her as a holy roller.

cr Flothee

d blown the seeds

WASTE NOT WANT NOT

It takes more than a fertile imagination
to make the desert bloom, so authorities

PLAYBOY

weren't overly concerned when they
got wind of a scheme to ship 1.2 billion
dollars worth of manure to Bahrain, а
tiny island in the Persian Gulf. Then
somebody determined that the quantity
of liquid fertilizer involved averaged out
to ten tons per acre—enough to bury
Bahrain in chicken and cow shit. Ap-
parently, a Federal-court jury decided
that Michael J. Randazzo of Galli-
ano, Louisiana—who masterminded the
scheme—was trying to lay it on a litde
too thick: It convicted him of fraud.

A FASHION FABLE

Frequent contributor Tom М

this excerpt from his forthcoming biog-
raphy “Young Calvin Klein”:
As а lad, young Calvin would sew his
name onto his clothes before leaving
for summer camp each year. He noticed
that if he sewed the name on the out-
side rather than the inside, no one would
ke his clothes and people would notice
him. His bunkmates soon called his
pants "Calvin Klein's, a name that soon
lost its apostrophe. And so young Cal-
in, excited by his summer-camp expe-
rience, vowed to sew his name on pants
everywhere.”

CHECKING IN

We sent novelist and free-lance writer
Bruce Pollock to interview Paul
They met at a New York Сйу recording
studio on the edge of Tin-Pan Alle
praynoy: Did Mrs, Garfunkel ever think
of you as a bad influence on her son?
simon: Oh, no. 1 didn't lead him into
the wild life; he got into it on his own,
later on, when he grew up. We both got
hooked on rock "n" roll at the same time,
listening to Alan Freed's Moon Dog Show.
and the Everly Brothers. Artie was always
a singer at school. He sang (They Tried
to Tell Us We're) Too Young in the
fourth grade and knocked everybody out.
By the seventh grade, we were singing
together in groups. The friendship was
based on much more than music—we
were very similar kids, we had the same
sense of humor—but without the music, I
doubt if we'd have remained close friends.
PLAYBOY: You started in rock ‘n’ roll in
1955, at the age of 13—a mild-mannered
middle-class Jewish boy from Forest
Hills—when macho Southern punks and
lower-class greasy hitters were the musical
rage. Was there anyone in rock ‘n’ roll
you could have beaten up?
simon: Do you count Artie as being in
rock "n' roll? Then I think I probably
could have beaten him up. I could have
easily taken cıre of Michelle Phillips.
Neil Sedaka, too. Actually, I tried to
emulate those hoody guys; we uscd to
call them rocks.

PLaynoy: Did you and Garfunkel
distinctly different groupies on the rc
siMON: We attracted about the same, be-

ler sent

cause people saw Simon and Garfunkel
as one person. We did get separate letters,
but I never paid much attention to the
letters. I just remember that most of them
were very, very long. The groupies we
used to get were usually heavy readers—
people who had read a lot of poetry. But
I didn't really participate to a great deal
in the groupie scene. I was always at-
tached, and when 1 wasn't, 1 didn't go
out of my way to pick someone up. And
then the ones I did pick up, I thought
were nice. I liked them. Maybe I didn't
want to spend any more time with them
than a day or two, but I liked them. It
wasn't like a straight rock-n-roll fuck-
them-and-leave-them style. It was a crook:
ed rock-n-roll leave-them style.

rLAYBOY: Did you feel rejected by the
counterculture of the Sixties?

SIMON: Simon and Garfunkel became so
enormously popular that we were eventu-
ally disdained by the hip critics. In the
beginning, they lavished praise on us.
Maybe at the height of the hippie day
we weren't really іп fashion—we were too
New York; we weren't. particularly
ciated with the drug scene, though we
were in it as much as anybody could be
in it But it wasn’t part of our image
I never wanted to be busted in Des
Moines, you know. I didn't believe the
hippie thing, anyway, that California, laid-
k, minimalvocabulary existence. 1
didn't believe all the smiles. I thought
there was a lot of vindictiveness in i
there was something very cruel under-
lying a lot of it. I didn't buy it nor was I
particularly intimidated by it.

PLAYnOY; As the generation that came of
age in the Sixties now reach mid-30s, do
you think it inpact—or
everyone of consequence sold out?
SIMON: Selling out is a tradition in this
country. Its like Mom and apple pic. 1
mean, Abl Hoffman turns nself in
to promote his book. Hitler's the one
who said every man has his price, the
only thing that's surprising is how low
it is. But, sure, the generation. changed

so-

things- That war-baby blip in the popula-
tion is always going to be the thing re-
sponsible for change, until they don't
have any money to buy things anymore.
In this generation, there's a great em-
phasis on form and not content, which
1 find distasteful. Yet these are the people
I feel most comfortable with. Га be
shocked to find out they were as con-
formist as other generations, but I think
they're just as materialistic. I think that
temptation is too hard to withstand.
PLAYBOY: What is your most blatant ex-
ample of conspicuous consumptioi
SIMON: I try not to be conspicuously
consumptive—because Ї just don't want
to antagonize anybody. But I'm not afraid
to spend money on where I live or on
how I travel. I don’t think twice about
buying anything, but, on the other hand,
I don't buy that much. I've been wear-
ing jeans since I was 14 years old, and
that's what I like to wear. I don't have
expensive hobbies. I don't own boats or
sports cars. Feeling that you can do what-
ever you want is great, and I can do
whatever I want.

PLAYBOY: It has been said that perhaps
the chief benefit of huge success is the
ability to afford a higher-priced shrin!
SIMON: Success doesn't necessarily make
you go into analysis. Besides, а higher-
priced shrink isn't necessarily a better
опе. I was in analysis for а long time—
it was really good for me. I've been
through а m iage and divorce and fa-
therhood, successes and failures, and І
think I'm now а very competent cripple.
I can absolutely navigate my way across
the street. Not in the most graceful man-
ner, pethaps, but I can definitely get
from one curb to the other.

PLAYBOY: Are there any musicians in
rock today who awe you with their talent?
SIMON: Stevie Wonder а really great
gilt, though I wasn't crazy about the last
bit of work he did. I don't know if I'm.
awe-struck, but as close to that as my
mature allows. But there are a lot of

extraordinary musicians around.
PLAYnov: Are you a legend on your old
block?

SIMON: Sure, I guess so. I took my son
there recently to show him my old house.
I drove him around, took him to Artie’s
house. We went down to my public
school. I took him to the candy store
where T used to hang out and place bets
on the trotters. I bought him an egg
cream—which now costs 45 cents. The
guy in the candy store recognized me.
He knew what һай become of me—but
he related to me the way he'd always re-
lated to me. He called me Paulie.

BAD VIBES

What with all the fuss lately about the
Moral Majority and how much its right-
wing fundamentalist adherents hate
rrAYnBOY, we look free-lance writer Eliza-
beth Mehren up on her offer to cover one

Why Old Grand-Dad |

Special Selection is the most
expensive Bourbon
intheworld. æ

114 Barrel Proof * Like our other
fine Old Grand-Dad Bourbon, Old Grand-Dad
Special Selection is distilled, then aged undisturbed
in small quantities in a careful process that's
remained unchanged for almost 100 years. So each
barrel meets the exacting taste standards that all
Old Grand-Dad is famous for.

But what makes Special Selection so special is
it's bottled straight from the barrel, at 114 barrel
proof. The same way Bourbon used to
be bottled.

Taste: As you savor a snifter
of Old Grand-Dad Special Selection,
notice its amber hue, its fragrant bouquet |
and mellow body. You'll know why we
recommend it to people who drink
Bourbon for sheer enjoyment.

Tradition: Old Grand-Dad
Special Selection is made to be enjoyed
the same way Bourbon used to be.
In fact, each bottle is so
important, it bears its own
lot number. It's expensive, E E =
yes. But it's also exceptional. à Y Cl
And isn’t that what matters ;
to somebody who
appreciates fine Bourbon
most of all? RS

PLAYBOY

NOVA IN THE COSMOS

Having endured this winter's Pub-
lic Broadcasting Service science pro-
graming, Richard Liebmann-Smith now
lakes us on а journey to discover
тап? relationship to the sandwich.

To the untrained eye—your eye—
this unimposing hunk of gray-green
matter is merely a rock, а stone,
meaningless conglomeration of petr
fied crud you might toss away without
a second thought. But to the enlight-
ened eye of modern science, it is . . .
ndwich, More precisely, it is half
a sandwich—a woolly mammoth on
and radiocarbon isotope dating
tells us that this unappetizing glob,
this primordial Big Mac once served
as the entree at a prehistoric picnic

re than 2,000,000 year t

According to the popu
andwich was invented here, in this
stately wind-swept manse im what is
now rural England, by John Monta-
gu, the fourth. Earl of Sandwich. In.
ict, however, the good earl was mere-
ly the beneficiary of ап ancient Bi
ish tradition permitting members of
the nobility to take the names of their
favorite victuals. Other familiar €x-
amples abound: Lord Buckingham,

the l of Cornwall, the Duke of
Potatoes.
This Egyptian hieroglyph,

depicting a sandwich with meat in
profile and cheese frontally, adorns
the kitchen wing of the tomb of

Karhop Il, a Pharaoh who lived—
and died—in perpetual fear of what
he believed to be the vengeance of
aked beans on toast.

And here, on a craggy, wind-swept
spit of land jutting querulously into.
the South Pacific, the no-lesssuper-

itious ishind-bound primitives of
Easter Island would erect this impos-
ing icon to the submarine sandwich.

Only here, in what is now this wind-
swept somvlaki stand in downtown
Athens, would the first halting steps
toward a true scientific understand-
ing of the sandwich at last be taken,
s diligent Aristotle would painstak-
ingly catalog а systematic menu of
more than 40 varieties of Reuben—
not one of which would satisfy the
finicky Plato as “Ideal.”

And then would come the Dark
ges and, with them, the study of
sandwiches would become inextric-
ably bound with theology as the
finést minds of the period would
fritter away centuries debating how
many double cheeseburgers could be
rammed down the throat of an angel.
By contrast, the England of the
nlightenment would become
lor free sandwichological
Here, in wind-swept London
Bacon, with his colleagues Sir Charles
Lettuce and Sir Thomas Tomato,
would discover the classic sandwich
that bears their mes. Here, too, the
great philosopher Hobbes (Thomas
Hobbes, 1588-1679) would lament
the was not able to put the infant
ence on a firm theoretical footing,
g to the inordinate amount of
time he was obliged to spend in trying.
to remember whether he was Hobbes
or Locke (Jolin Locke, 1639-1704).

The 19th Century would witness
the greatest strides ever іп man's un-
derstanding of the sandwich, perhaps
none so profound as the theory of a
“natural” selection of sandwiches,
first propounded by Ralph Darwin,
nephew of the turalist Charles.
In his seminal ticatise The Voyage of
the Bagel, Darwin would elucidate the
precise series of steps by which a
slender ham on pumpernickel can
evolve into а massive club s:
(survival of the fattest”).

Today it is possible for us to recom-
virtually any п üxings" to
produce in the laboratory any sand-
wich we can imagine!

But where do we go from here?
Should we heed the admonition of
Dr. Irv Katz, cowinn st year's
Nobel Prize for his brilliant work
with cellophane-tasseled toothpicks?
“I don't think we have the right to
play chef,” Di
Sweden. “Su
goes all right, we'll be hailed
heroes. But what's to stop some m
niac from turning out a whole order
of lox and peanut butter on glazed
doughnuts. your Highness?”

What, what, indeed?

inquiry.

eat v

of television evangelist Jerry Falwell's
rallies in Sacramento. Her repor
Га heard so much about Falwell’s so-
called. anti-rLAvpov campaign that I
expected a full-blown tack on the mag:
azine. But the closest thing to that came
during his message on abortion, in which
he said, “America’s unborn babies must
have someone speaking out in their de-
fense, and don't expect Hugh Hefner to
do it.
Questioned later about his reference to
Hefner, Falwell explained: "I usually
mention Hugh Helner, Larry Flynt, Nor-
man Lear and all those types who are
helping to perpetuate America's most
damaging and poisoning industry, the
pornography business, at least once in the
course of every I Love America rally.”
Falwell, by the way, agreed ıl
Moral Majority is ге;
“That's just a catchy n
sounded good.
Falwell wouldn't exactly

define por-
nography, but he did mention “bedroom

scenes, the displ
of risqué, vulgar
revealing picture
like” as "poison
of young peopl

I decided to ask some of the members
of Falwell's audience, seated on the stai
capitol lawn, what they meant by porno
raphy. Don Elliott, pastor of Sierra View
Baptist Church in Rough and Ready,
alifornia ighed
focus on "poi phy, homosexu:

ns, use
ad profane lang
obscene words and the
the minds and souls

abortion and its Haudulent [sc] use of
nudity."
Stretched ош on nic blanket,

munching doughnuts in the shadow of
the stare capitol, Jackie Gilmore praised
Falwell for “trying to dean up all the
garbage in society today.” Although she
denied ever having read рглүвоу. Gi
more said the magazine was “filthy. I
wouldn't have it in my home. 1 know it's
garbage. T don't have to read it to know
that.”

Bob Kellogg, a pharmacist from Citrus
hes wi

н aterestingly enough, Ia-
beled born-again Baptist Jimmy Carter a
“humanist.” had a whole list of “отан.
istic” social evils to complain about,
including disintegration of the home,
homosexuality, abortion, obscenity and
“likewise, men and women living to-

you know, they would have been arrested
for what they're doing. Th
just the tip of the icebe

At the rally's end, we all stood on th
capitol lawn, right under Jerry Brow
window, held hands and joined the Li
erty Mountain Baptist College singers in
a lip-synched version of Amazing Grace.
Well, my soul got nice and cleansed in
acramento. E spent my four-hour stand-
by layover waiting for a plane to Los
Angeles at the Sacramento Airport—in
the bar.

Ofall the things a manufac- And, every year, they do. more exciting.
turer brings to building motor- They break any rule, explode And while our engineers sit
cycles, we think the most important апу theory, follow any lead that hunched over their desks, Kenny
is an attitude. will knock an inch off the width of Roberts, world champion road-

Ours, simply stated, is that good ап engine. Or a second off its racer and one of our most valuable
enough is not enough. quarter-mile time. R&D men, sits hunched over his
So, every year, Yamaha engi- Through long days and late Yamaha, screaming through the
neers аге faced witha formidable nights, shaft drives become turns at Imola, Italy or Laguna

challenge: to make our motorcycles smoother, suspensions more
even better. responsive, brakes more efficient,
seats more comfortable, styling

20 YEARS OF RACING
HAS HELPED US BUILD MORE

THAN A REPUTATION.

At Yamaha, we dorit build great
motorcycles to win races. We win
races to build great motorcycles.

Wewin races to test, to prove,
to perfect, often to inspire the
engineering innovations that make
you want to buy our motorcycle
instead of theirs.

For 25 years, weve been very
successful at it.

This year, weve done it again.

Introducing the motorcycle
we've both been waiting for. The
incredible new Seca 750.

FIRST TO THE FAST LANE:

As high performance motorcycles

go, this one goes like you wouldnt
beli

jeve.

Its 748cc, DOHC, 4-cylinder,
4-stroke engine is lighter than апу
production 750 engine, anywhere.
And, to the complete despairof the
competition, narroweras well. With
more power percubic centimeter
than you ever thought possible.

This combination of maximum
power and minimum bulk (only
474 lbs. dry weight), further com-
binedwithan ultra-smooth, fully-
enclosed shaft drive, makes the
Seca as near to a perfect perfor-
тпапсе motorcycle as anyone has
ever come.

And, ifwed stopped there, we
could have taken our rightful place
inthe Motorcycle Hall of Fame.

But we didn't stop there. We
began there.

LAST TO THE GAS PUMP
Wewent on to make the Seca750
as frugal with fuel as it is generous
with power Witha remarkable—
and patented—new develop-
ment called the Yamaha Induc-
tion Control System (YICS
for short).

Utilizing an ingenious sys-
tem of sub-intake ports, the air/
fuel mixture is literally blasted

around the wall of the combustion
chamber, distributing the entire
mixture evenly for complete
burning.

By eliminating inefficient,
wasteful burning, YICS can
result in an average fuel
savings of 1075. With по
moving parts. And absolutely
no loss of power.

THE ҮАМАНА-

TRAVEL SERVICE.

When it Comes to suspension
travel and handling, the Seca 750
isina class by itself. Again.

Because up front, you'll find our
exclusive Anti-Dive Suspension
System-until now, the exclusive
property of road racing machines:

hard braking, a unique
valving mechanism restricts the
flow of oil, and thus travel, in the
forks, reducing front end “dive?
What this does for handling—not
tomention smoothness and com-
fort—is a revelation.

Of course, you can also adjust air
pressure in the forks and‘dampen-
ingin the shocks to help Americas
streets and highways measure up
to yourexacting standards.

THE BRAINS OF THE OUTFIT.
With a motorcycle that can do so
many things so well, it will probably.
come as no surprise that the Seca
75015 the only two-wheeler that

“other important functions. g

can think. :

Thanks to the
amazing new Compu-
terized Monitoring
System located in the
instrument panel.

Inaddition to the infor-
mation you get from bikes
of ordinary

intelligence—speed, rpm,
miles travelled, high beam;

neutral, turn signal direction—
you also geta micro-compu-
terized readout of seven“

AnLCD display, соп-
nected to sensors.
throughout the bike, — -
lights up to report any
malfunction in brake fluid
level, engine oil level,
battery fluid level, head-
light, taillight, brakelight and
sidestand position.

So while the competition is
still out there inthe 20th century,
Yamaha has been busy in the 21st.

BRAINS AND BEAUTY.
Of course, it carit have escaped
your attention that the Seca 750 is
pretty nice to look at, too.

break up the lines. (The reservoirs
under the tank.)

For looks, performance, han-
dling and the sheer exhiliration of

riding a motorcycle, по

other bike even comes close

tothe Seca 750.
Exceptone.

THE SECA 550.

The trim, sculpted styling
extends fromthe generous 5-gallon.
tank (which looks much smaller),
along the swept-back side covers,
all the way to the neat tail fairing
with its integrated taillight.

And notice the covered handle-
bars. Smooth, clear and uncluttered,
with nowires, cables or
brake fluid reservoir to

For those of you who prefer a mid-
size high-performance machine —
and a more mid-size
price to go with it —
we offer the Seca 550.
Ifyou remember
with mouth-watering
clarity Yamaha's
legendary RD400, now
EPA retired, you'll
have some idea of the
performance you can expect from
the Seca 550.
‘The 528cc, РОНС
in-linefour

the Seca 750
engineis
narrow, the 550 is.
practically invisible. In fact,
checking inata mere
179 inches, it's only

ahalf-inch wider than our current
XS400 tui

in! Which also makes the

550, with a total dry weight of only
407 Ibs., the lightest motorcycle in
its dass.

This brute of an engine redlines

at an eye-popping 10,000 rpm,
compared to about 8,000 to 9,000
for the competition.

That, combined with its rigid,

race-bred,double-cradle frame and
adjustable, totally-responsive
suspension fore and aft, gives you
more power and agility than ever
streaked through а canyon or
muscled up a mountain road.

The Seca 550 even comes
standard with a sleek, handlebar-
mounted fairing to pay off in
appearance what it delivers in
performance.
The new Yamaha Seca Series
for 1981.

Powerful proof that in the race
to build the finest, fastest, most
sensible, most technologically
advanced high-performance street
machines in the world...we won.

Ж.
VAMANN

Seca. Learning things we can't look when they're on them. And when you do, you probably

learn in a lab. Proving things we It has resulted in motorcycles won't think about Kenny Roberts.

cant proveon a test track. that meet your personal demands Or Imola, Italy. Or the long days
Our relentless refusal to сот- for handling, performance, comfort or the late nights. You'll just enjoy

promise has resulted іп technologi- апа styling as well as our demands your ў

cal and styling breakthroughsthat for excellence and innovation. We do all the work and you

have changed the way people look You can feel the difference our ^ have all the fun.

at motorcycles. And the way people attitude makes when you lean into And that’s the way it should be.

a turn. Or pull away from a stop-
light. Or just look at your Yamaha
SHOULD BE:

parked in the garage.

Fd .

YOU WANT SOME
~ YOU HAVE TO D

THING DONE RIGHT,
O ITT YOURSELF

And by offsetting the cylinders For example, to eliminate the 75° cylinder angle, produces
slightly, we even managed to im- Vwins traditional “dead stroke” power so smooth, theres no need
prove rearcylinder cooling. we developed our own firing for a balancer So torquey, you сап

sequence on alternate crankshaft pass an 18-wheelerwithout even
THEINSIDE STORY. ations This, combined with the downshifting:
Inside the engine, relatively simple K And by simply reversing the
operational changes resulted in $ crankshaft rotation, we succeeded
appreciable performance ж. in shifting any ambient engine

changes. В vibration from the frame to the
ў | : rear wheel. So you leave it some-
where on the road behind you.
We could go on and on. About
self-adjusting cam chain tensioners.
"Through-the-frame air
intake systems. Indepen-
dently-drivensingle
overhead cams.

But the best mea-
sure of our techno-
logical contributions to

the V-twin lies on the
next two pages, in two
of the most distinctive
motorcycles in our 1981
lineup.
les known
before you ride them as the
Virago and the XV920.
And knownafter you
^? ride themas the waya
V-twin should be.

THE YAMAHA VIRAGO,

Even acasual glance at our

beautiful new Virago will tell you

hat when we set out to revolution-
ize the V-twin, we didnt stop at
the engine.

Andif you think the Мгаро5
looks are a radical departure from
the ordinary, wait till you slip into
the seat, slip into gear, and make
your own radical departure.

SIMPLY BEAUTIFUL.
BEAUTIFULLY SIMPLE.

They succeeded beyond their — cleaner. It also contributes tothe
own not-so-modest expectations. 14.8 inch engine width that can have
The Virago's highly sophisti- you and your Virago banking at a
cated monocoque frame design, better than 47°lean angle.

ONE FOR THE ROAD.

Our engineers were determined to

strike a balance between two equal-

ly desirable attributes.

Andsim-
plicity.

Sophistication.

for example, makes the engine a
stressed frame member, simulta-
neously eliminating the excess
bulk and weight of downtubes.
This not only allows passersby
an unobstructed view of your
dynamic duo, but lets the engine
sit lower, without sacrificing ground
clearance. The resulting 29.5 inch
seat height and extra-low center
of gravity give new meaning to the
words comfort, control and stability.
While the engine functions as
part of the frame, the frame, con-
versely, functions as part of the
engine. Air for the intake system
actually passes through the frame,
eliminating the side-mounted air

Ourroadracerproven Monoshock
rear suspension system—the first
everon astreet machine—works
witha rigid triangulated swing arm
to keep the rear wheel running
straight and true.

It's also adjustable for dampen-
ing and preload, with only one
point of adjustment that's easy to
get to and easy to set. With your
hand. Blindfolded.

SMOOTHING LIFES HIGHWAY.

Our state-of-the-art, fully-enclosed
shaft drive adds its own uncanny
smoothness and quiet to the already
relaxed, virtually vibration-free
power of the engine:

The 5-speed transmission
delivers top speeds, even at lowrpms.
Which doesn't hurt your gas mile-
age any. And TCI produces a
hotter spark electronically. So your
Virago runs mile after maintenance-
free mile

Over the years, thanks to our
unique combination of engineering
innovation and common sense,
Yamaha has established a reputa®
tion foroutdoing the competition.

This year, with the remarkable
new Virago, we've enhanced that
reputation.

By,outdoing ourselves.

Rear view mirmrfs) standard equipment.

IF YOU CAN I DECIDE
BETWEEN LOOKS
AND PERFORMANCE, DON'T.

Before this bike was ever metal,
it was a piece of paper. On it, a list
of totally unreasonable demands.

Make it the lightest, the leanest,
indeed, the fastest 650cc in-line
four ever built. And while you're at
it, give it styling every bit as excit-
ing as its astonishing performance.

ALIGHTWEIGHT WITH A
KNOCKOUT PUNCH.

To say the Maxim 650 is the fastest
motorcycle іп its class is a bit mis-
leading. Capable of covering the
quarter mile in 12.6 seconds? it'll
challenge a 750. And smoke a few
8505 as well.

But show it a curve and youll
quickly discover yet another
reward of the Maxim's remarkable
light weight.

Honest-to-goodness handling.

Its extremely low center of
gravity and excellent steering
geometry help create the sensation
thatthebikeis actually an extension
of you. A light, effortless respon-
siveness that is also the contribution
of its incredibly narrow engine and
very tunable suspension.

Rear new татті) standard eqmpment.*Sourre: Cycle Gnide

The Maxim’s clean, quiet, de-
pendable shaft drive is smaller and
lighter than conventional shafts.

Those unique spiraled wheels
are as strong as conventional, but
more importantly, they're lighter—
reducing unsprung weight.

Complimenting all this state-
of-the-art technology is state-of-
the-art styling.

Rather than compromising
engineering, a Maxim's looks flow
from it—naturally, fluidly integrat-
ing the pieces into a striking com-
position of form and function.

And for those of you who are
simply not satisfied with a master-
piece, this year were introduang
the blackest, goldest, meanest

"Maxim you've ever laid eyes on.
The Midnight Maxim joins our

other two after-dark Specials;
the 850 and Eleven, as theultimate
synthesis of styling and technical

sophistication. From the brilliant
sheen of its black chrome tailpipes
to the elegant gold of the gas cap, a
Midnight Special is a one-of-a-kind
machine limited only in number.

But the few we do build, you
can be sure, are -
magnificent.

-New Ruby Red and
ck. А

ТНЕ ҮАМАНА SPECIAI
ТОСНОС

Back іп 1978 we introduced ^ declaration of independence from you even more ways to express

the Yamaha Specials for those rider to onlooker. While still de- just how much of an individual
customerswhowantedtoenjoy livering all the performance that youare.
amore relaxed riding style, and makes someone choose a Yamaha Because each and every model
also display a bit of individuality. in the first place. in the line can be dressed out ina
For three very successful This year, the Specials give myriad of genuine
) years, the low, fluid Special є YamahaSpecials
accessories.

styling has delivered a

5. OVER 4,000 MODELS

SE FROM.

To the tune of over 4000 pos-
sible combinations. At last count.

You can deck out your big
Special with full fairing and lowers,
engine guards, custom seat and

saddle bags. Or any of nine other
nifty items.

For the smaller Specials we've
got sport fairings, mini shields,
maxi shields, engine guards, sissy

bars, luggage carriers

and more. Any one, or combination
of which, will make your Special
even more special.

So if you're the type of rider
who wants his motorcycle tobe a
reflection of himself, just go to
your nearest Yamaha dealer.

And build your own.

iha, we dont think

ur bi

troke single wai
esigned just for the
185. Its lightweight
ffort-

Rear view mirrorís) standard equipment. Ahoays wear а helmet and eye protection. Mileage figures based on EPA testing, for city riding. Your mileage may very depending on the way you ride.

4 when the clutch i
i 9 he bike won't le
ady to go.

сег Nuts ar and bolts Eu r
even first-tim
motorcycle hos t

75 MPG

ШЕШЕН you're goin
about the most fun you ca
getting there.

Thatinel

THE WAY IT SHOULD ВЕ:

LIT-I241-1300

BOOKS

pedrum (Viking), а novel by David

Wise, gives us plausible plotting, fas-
cinating content and a frightening
scenario—the possibility that the CIA
has stolen uranium and made nuclear
weapons for its own future use. The
basic story makes a good read. Better
yet, the details are accurate, from de-
scriptions of covert operations run by the
CIA to surveillance capabilitics of the
NSA, to a fine sense of how ап Ameri-
can Embassy operates abroad (the Lon-
don station, in this case) on a day-to-day
basis. Wise puts his considerable stature
аз a journalist to good use. In case you're
wondering, this is the same David Wise
who wrote The American Police State
and The Politics of Lying and who co-
authored (with Thomas B. Ross) such
best-selling nonfiction books as The
Espionage Establishment, The Invisible
Government and The U-2 Affair. Pretty
good credentials for a spy novelist, and
if you read Spectrum on top of those
other titles, you may come to the con-
dusion that paranoia is a reasonable
state of mind.

.
Inflation—and how it affects your
money—is often poorly understood

Gold bugs will tell you that nothing but
the yellow metal is worth holding on to.
Realtors will push property as the best
hedge. Harry Browne and Terry Goxon's
Inflation-Proofing Your Investments (Morrow)
walks you through all your options. The
authors spend some time explaining
what causes inflation—and for those of
us who are not trained in economics,
those chapters alone make the daily
financial news a good deal more com-
prehensible. The rest of this book is a
catalog of long-term strategies to ret
your net worth: foreign currencies,
precious metals, real estate, stocks, and
so forth. This book is fun to read be-
е, unlike the more comprehensive
Sylvia Porter and Jane Bryant Quinn
books, it's more specifically and more
aggressively out to make your money
work for you. In a year when financial
guides аге cropping up all around. us,
Inflation-Proofing Your Invesiments шау
be the best of all.

Richard (The Cincinnati Kid) Jessup's
latest novel is Threot (Viking) and it gets
our vote as one of the best suspense
thrillers of the new year. The hero, the
pscudonymous Tonio Vega,
intelligence officer who served in Viet-
nam along with his twin brother, then
returned from the war to find that his
brother had been captured and mistaken
for himself. He learns through the intel-
ligence grapevine that his brother’s free-

an ex-

Spectrum: no innocents abroad.

High stakes and foreign
intrigue—coupled with smart
writing and tight plots—
make these thrillers
irresistible.

Threat: uncanny scare tactics.

dom can be bought for $1,000,000, and
that's where the drama begins. Tonio
assumes a new identity as a student and.
a delivery boy, then spends two years
planning to extort the ransom money
from the owners of the St. Cyr Tower,
the world's most elaborate and exclusive
living.shopping complex. He calls him-
self Threat and his challenge is to prove
to the management of the St. Cyr, which
is billed as having the most claborate
security system in New York, that he has

the capability of blowing the building to
smithereens. He leaves а warning in an
empty beer can. In a race against time,
the best minds in the New York Police
Department and the St. Cyr security chief,
himself an ex-intelligence officer, try to
find and destroy
time, he wages a oneman psychological
war against them. Threat works on sev-
eral levels (Vega falls in love with a
woman who has no idea what he's plan-
ning) and it has a neat trick ending. If
Jessup was thinking that this novel would
make a good movie, he was right.
.

Your Cheatin’ Heart (Simon & Schuster),
by Chet Flippo, manages to decipher
the real Hank Williams from the tragic
legend that sprang up after his death.
A lot of research went into this project,
from tracing the Williams family tree
to obtaining the medical records from
the sanitariums where he rested under
heavy sedation between bouts with the
boule. Bullied by a 200-pound mother
who belted him around, Williams once
bragged that there was mo one he'd
rather have beside him in a bar fight.
Bur his life was filled with pain that
didn't result from bar fights. According
to Flippo. an overlooked congenital birth
defect kept Williams’ back slumped.
At 21, he compounded his troubles by
marrying Audrey Guy, who not only
battered her husband but also inspired
his famous mournful lyric, including
the title of this volume. Finally, they
were divorced and he remarried short
before he died, at the age of 29, saturated
with drugs and vodka. Not unlike the
current Elvis Presley marketing boom,
business activity flourished around the
stars death. Your Cheatin’ Heart, argu-
ably his best-known song, was released
after his death. To his credit, Flippo
incorporates Williams’ music in the сх-

plosive life story that deserves 10 һе
read by every urban cowboy in America

Time:

League
school. Situation: A “good girl,” seduced
by her professor, becomes pregnant and
seeks a back-street abortion, Sound like
the plot of a typical hack novel? I's not;
at least not the way Mary Gordon de-
velops it in her novel The Company of
Women (Random House). For her heroine
is no typical girl. Felicitas (named afte
а virgin martyr) was reared by five pious
women and one domineering Catholic
priest. Not a normal childhood. Gordon's
sharp eye for detail and keen ear for
dialog are used to brilliant effect on
1 her characters and make this an
extraordinary novel.

MOVIES

Пе first reel ог so of Nine to Five (Fox)

made me steel myself for an interim
report on women's rights, ап En
tion Proclamation for the working girl.
The movie has a message of sorts, but
forget preachments and let's hear it for
Jane Fonda, Lily Tomlin and Dolly
Parton. Although they may have to share
the top spot among film feminists with
Goldie Hawn (as in Private Benjamin),
Jane, Lily and Dolly are aces as a trio
of office buddies, ог sisters-in-arms, who
all become rebel queens for a day once
Nine to Five gets up some steam. De-
tails of the plot were covered sufficiently
in the December rtaysoy (on location,
with reporter Larry Grobel). The screen-
play by Colin Higgins (of Harold and
Maude and Foul Play) and Patricia
Resnick—with Higgins directing in a
hitor-miss manner—isn't quite as con-
sistent as the collective star power un-
leashed to belt it across. With those three
misses, however, the hits come casy. Jane
is a partner in the production and a јоу
forever. More than atoning for her ill-
conceived Moment by Moment with
Travolta, Tomlin is hilarious, particular-
ly when she camps through a Snow
White fantasy about poisoning her boss,
with lots of bluebirds and furry forest
creatures dancing attendance оп her.
Dolly is delightful, and while I'm not
sure that what she does is acting, she
exudes the kind of naturally sunny
spontaneity that other actresses work
very hard to imitate. There's no male
love interest as such, just Dabney Cole-
man as a boss you love to hate—"a
sexist, egotistical, lying, hypocritical
bigot” whom the girls kidnap and hold
hostage. Never scolding or self-righteous
re malechauvinist pigs Nine to Five
shrewdly makes its points stronger by

ancipa-

turning the revenge of the working girl
into

the liveliest office ty of the

Indubitably a top contender among
current movies, Martin Scorsese’s Raging
Bull (UA) may score highly as a tech-
nical knockout. Scorsese stages several
of the most bloody and gut-busting
boxing sequences ever committed to
film in an episodic, unsentimental adap-
tation by Paul Schrader and Mardik
Martin of rowdy middleweight cham-
pion Motta’s autobiography,
roughly spanning the years 1941-1960.
Add to that an overwhelming perform-
ance by Robert De Niro, framed by
Michael Chapman's classic and classy
black-and-white cinematography, plus a
superb sound track subliminally provid
ing nonstop nostalgia. Altogether, the
film gets off to such a strong head start,
the flaws don’t show for an hour or so.
Then they multiply. There's overkill in

De Niro's a knockout in Raging Buil.

Let's hear it for
the working girls; Scorsese
delivers a TKO.

Altered States: а sensory explosion.

Scorsese’s subjective slow-motion shots
that try to pound poctry into pugilism,
but his worst miscalculation was to in-
vest so much supercharged emotion in а
character scarcely more likable than
Attila the Hun. A simple-minded bully,
La Motta outside the ring is even mean-
er than he is with the gloves on. He's a
boor and a wife beater who evolves,
blow by blow, into a gross insensitive
loudmouth exploiting his faded glory
by performing in strip clubs or ludicrous
one-man shows. Still, De Niro's remark-
able physical transformation, from lithe
young brute to barroom blob, is an
unquestionable tour de force. Scorsese
coaxcs showstopper stints from his entire
cast, especially from newcomer Cathy
Moriarty as Vickie, the sullen blonde
beauty who became La Motta's second
wife and favorite punching bag. The

only other character to arouse my sym-
pathy was Joe Pesci as the champ's
put-upon brother Joey, who is also alien-
ated by La Motta’s insanely jealous
suspicion that somebody must be screw-
ing his wife. There has not been such a
raw portrait of the Italian-American
macho man since The Godfather. Hardly
in the same league, Raging Bull is flashy
but finally empty and anticlimactic—
more of Scorsese's gritty mean-streets
realism with too little humanism to make
us care. УУУ

Suspense taken seriously has been part
of every true movie buffs staple diet
ince long before Hitchcock started. im-
proving on the standard hair-raisers.
Lately, there's been more gore than
sophistication evident on the screen,
with too many film makers ready to con-
cede that the public prefers copious
bloodletting to a tightly constructed plot.
Some recent releases suggest ап upswing
in taste, or at least the temporary re-
versal of a god-awful trend.

The energy crisis and a top-secret plan
to delay production of synthetic fuel are
the issues in The Formula (UA/MGM), a
talky suspense drama based on producer-
adapter Steve Shagan’s novel, which i
turn was based partly on fact. John G.
(Rocky) Avildsen directed Shagan's tale
of big oil, big banking, bloody murder
and OPEG treachery that moves from
Beyerly Hills to St-Moritz, Switzerland,
and West Berlin. Since the principal
talking heads for hire happen to belong
to George C. Scott and Marlon Brando,
there's hardly a moment when you don't
want to look and listen. These two are
adversar with Scott as a retired detec
tive checking out the meaningless murder
of an old friend. Brando is in especially
good form as the deadly but deceptively
going chief of a huge conglomerate.
Marthe Keller plays the beautiful wom
an who invariably catches a heel, or loses
one, in the sticky center of such plots.
Slow іші, yet time flics when you're
having fun. Just shift gears. ¥¥¥

Judged strictly as drama, Altered States
(Warner) ends with a whimper. Every-
thing else is tantalizing, one way or an-
other—scary, hypnotic, easily the best
Ken Russell movie since Women in Lo
to which it bears no resemblance at all.
Based on Paddy Chayefsky's novel, with
a screenplay credited to Sidney Aaron
(а nom de film explained by Chayefsky’:
contractual option to take his name off
the movie, an option he chose to exer-
cise), Allered States explores mystic
levels of human consciousness and de-
ploys its own special-effects task force to
create a number of the most mind
bending aural, visual and visceral mo-
ments а moviegoer is apt to experience

Renault Le Car gets you from point A to point В
economically. Without taking all day to do it.
It has the economy to give уоц(29 estimated mpg/39
highway estimate; But it also has the performance to let.
you pass more than just gas stations.
Of course, Le Car gets you around curves as nimbly as
straightaways. With front wheel drive, road-hugging
Michelin radials, and rack and pinion steering Motor
Trend describes as "oh, so light and ea:
For potholes that can't be maneuvered around, four-
wheel independent suspension and a long wheelbase give
you what Motor Trend calls
“a bump-smoothin

Motor Trend says, "the combined capabilities of the steer-

ing, brakes, and sus-
pension make inner-
city motoring with
Le Car an effortless
experience.”
Visit one of the more than 1200 Renault and American
Motors dealers from coast to coast. For a car that makes
your gas go slowly. Without doing the same to ү

iemember: Compare ti
Your milcage may vary ip

ar mileage will pen
ide like no
other car in its class” enau e

Morethan just oa
at American Motors 7 8

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without taking LSD or a mouthful
of magic mushrooms. Once again, mod-
ern science triggers the plot, concen-
trated in а New England scientific
community where a young married pro-
fessor (movie newcomer William Hurt),
having tried everything else, begins some
dangerous experiments on himself in a
watery isolation tank. Free-floating back
to primordial states of human existence
is his goal. As usual, Russell goes too
far—going too far, of course, is almost
the definition of his cinematic style. But
Allered States suffers for it, becoming
incoherent at times, deteriorating into
something like The Wolf Man at Har-
тата. The dialog is often dense with
hty academic jargon, another handi-
cap, though the actors manage to sound.
more than sensible. Hurt's performance
establishes him a minor star evolying
nto major importance before yo
cyes, while Blair Brown, as his dis
estranged wife, provides the strong emo-
tional life line that separates a trip
movie from a true movie. Although irri-
tatingly overwrought at times, Altered
States has a lot going for it. УУ

Anyone who's skeptical about Hurt's
hot career may discover more warmth
in Eyewitness (Fox). Produced and di-
rected by Peter Yates from a Steve Tesich
screenplay—they're the team that made
Breaking Away in 1979—this intricate
offbeat thriller offers Hurt as the young
maintenance man (or janitor) in a high-
rise office building where he stumbles
onto a murder that changes his life. He
meets Sigourncy Weaver, for one thing—
she’s the fetching TV newswoman who
comes to visit the scene of the crime.
‘Their chemistry works remarkably well,
though the freshest scene іп Eyewitness
is one in which Hurt and the girl he’s
supposed to marry (Pamela Reed) finally
confess, with huge relief on both sides,
that they don’t love each other in the
least. Hurt comes off here like a taller,
handsomer Dustin Hoffman. Weaver is
no less winsome than she was in Alien,
and theres prodigal scene stealing
throughout by James Woods, Christopher
Plummer and Irene Worth. ¥¥¥

wi ctor David Cronenberg's
Scanners (Avco-Embassy) will not disap-
point a growing coterie of fans who con-
sider Cronenberg a genius li
beyond such directors as John C
and Brian De Palma. The mo has
scarcely begun when a man’s head ex-
plodes like a shattered. melon. A kinetic
kissin’ cousin to Carrie, an accomplished
ner can concentrate his rdi-
ry powers on such cerebral blowouts.
Scanners diabolical political plot in-
volves Patrick McGoohan, Jennifer
о and Stephen. Lack, the last just
OK in his key role. But the film's ending
is dynamite, and that's where nine out
of ten thrillers go askew. УУ

—REVIEWS BY BRUCE WILLIAMSON.

MOVIE SCORE CARD

capsule close-ups of current films
by bruce williamson

Altered States (Reviewed this month)
A cosmic mental wet-down. yy
Breaker Morant War heroes con-
demned in vivid Aussie courtroom
drama of military injustice. yyy
A Change of Seasons Bo Derck bare-
ly weathering a soso sex comedy
with Shirley MacLaine, Anthony
Hopkins. Y
The Competition Pianissimo romance.
Richard Dreyfuss, Amy Irving tickle
the ivories but not the audience. ¥
Eyewitness (Reviewed this month)
Boy meets girl meets murderer. ¥¥¥
Flash Gordon Max von Sydow's Ming
outshines the hero. Some fun. yy
The formulo (Reviewed this month)
Oil-based intrigue with George С
Scott and an unleaded Brando. ¥¥¥
From the Life of the Marionettes Ingmar
Bergman, even grimmer than is his
wont vvv
The Idolmcker Rock stars of the
riti
ing performance by Ray Sharkey. ҰҰ
Inside Moves Some charming people
who need people in a friendly ncigh-
borhood gin mill WY
Loulou Isabelle Huppert and Gérard
Depardieu with an amoral minority
report from Paris. Sexy pair. vu
The Mirror Crack'd Liz Taylor fcud-
ing with Kim Novak while Agatha
Christie calls the shots. уу
Nine to Five (Reviewed this month)
How to succeed in business according.
10 Fonda, Tomlin and Parton. YYYY
One-Trick Pony Paul Simon draws
from experience to write and star in
the tale of pop celebrityhood in the
Sixties, yyy
Ordinary People Robert Redlord's
extraordinary directorial debut. ҰҰҰҰ
Private Benjamin Hilarious Army ma-
neuvers with Goldie Hawn. yyy
Raging Bull (Reviewed this month)
Boxer Jake La Motta's life relived
by De Niro—a capital improve

invented on the spot. А smash-

ment yyy
Scanners (Reviewed this month)
Quite literally mind-blowing vy

Stardust Memories As told by Woody
Allen, the sweet smell of success is
merely stale. vv

The Stunt Man Premium hamming by
Peter O'Toole in Richard Rush's mov
iemovie about making movies. ¥¥¥¥

Tribute The slush runs that deep in
a tearjerker based on the Broadway
hit, but Jack Lemmon's moving per-
formance is preserved intact, vy

¥¥¥¥ Don't miss
¥¥¥ Good show

¥¥ Worth a look
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MUSIC

ЕВЕ'5 RODNEY: Among musicians,
Rodney Crowell's reputation is al-
ready well established. More than 40 of
his songs have been recorded by stars of
various stripes, including Willie Nelson,
Waylen Jennings and Emmylou Harris.
If so far you've missed him, you owe it
to yourself to check out But What Will the
Neighbors Think (Warner Bros.), his second

album. It's a treat of intelligent. post-
Nashville, post-Outlaw songwriting most-
ly.in a country vein, sung in a light,
engaging voice darkened here and there
by traces of melancholy. He appears to
write great chug-along road songs as
naturally as breathing, and his ballads
grab through understatement, not sac-
charine overkill. The boy has flat got it.
Also highly recommended is his first LP,
Ain't Livin’ Long Like This (Warner Bros),
which is probably even a few shades bet-
ter than this new one. You'll be hearing
more about Rodney Crowell.

NO BLUES FOR THIS JEANE: When
Jeane Manson arrived in Paris five years
ago, her reception was anything but laissez
faire. After all, the French very rarely
catch sight of a real Playmate and Jeane
had been Miss August 1974. Then a few
notables heard her sing and her star took
off. Along came a recording contract,
sellout engagements, TV shows and mov-
ies The bottom line—6,000,000 records
sold in Europe.

“Now,” says Jeane, "I'm looking for the
hit song that will bring me back to Amer-
ica.” Her first U.S. album, Jeane Manson
(Epic/Portrait), put together by veteran

MERLE HAGGARD: 1.
The Best of Bob Wills
and His Texas Playboys
2. George Benson /
Breezin'. 8. Hank Wil-
liams, Jr. / Habits Old
and New. 4. Willie
Nelson / Willie Sings
Kristofferson. 5. Linda
Ronstadt / Heart Like
a Wheel.

JOE WALSH: 1. Ralph
MacDonald / The Path.
2. Alan Parsons Project/
Pyramid. 3. Tomita /
Snowflakes Are Danc-
ing. 4. Turley Richards.
5. Samuel Barber / Ada-
gio [от Strings.

Question: What have you been listening to lately?

DICKEY BETTS: 1.
Dire Straits. 2. Hank
Williams Sr's Greatest
Hits. 8. Willie Nelson,
4. Hank Williams, Jr. /
Habits Old and New.
5. J. J. Cale.

JOE JACKSON: 1
Toots & the Maytals /| ЖА |
Funky Kingston. 9.
Gene Vincent / Blue
Jean Bop. $. Graham
Parker / Squeezing Out
Sparks. 4. Augustus Pa-
blo / Original Rockers.
5. Talking Heads /

Fear of Music.

producer/arranger Milton Okun, may con-
tain that hit. Manson writes and sings in
a simple ballad style. Her gentle country
voice explodes on some cuts into multi-
octave jumps and vocal gymnastics that
leave no doubt she'll carve out an Amer-

ican niche.

REVIEWS

Bleck Market Clash (Epic NuDisk) is a
tune sampler of hits old and new
and previously unavailable here, from a
group well on the way to claiming The
Rolling Stones’ crown as England's pre-
mier rock'n'roll band. Included is
Bankrobber, the Clash's current big sin-
gle in the U.K, which opens: "Daddy
Was a bank robber, he never hurt no-
body/He just loved to live that way, and
he loved to steal the money.” Populist
rock!

Classic Jazz has been issuing a lot of
stuff that was previously available only
in Europe, and jaz-piano fans сап
only rejoice at the availability of Sammy
Price's Fire and Hank Jones's | Remember
You. A much-traveled veteran whose own

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KAWASAKI LOST

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The 550LTD is 30 pounds lighter than its closest
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There are other advantages to less bulk. The

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You can buy ће 550LTD for its style and features.

You can buy it for performance and handling. Or

you can buy it for its reliability and low maintenance.

But most of all, you can buy the 550LTD to put you

back in touch with the H

true spirit of biking.
Letthe good times roll.

PLAYBOY

bio reads like the standard history of
jazz. Price plays boogies and blues with
the kind of touch that takes half а сеп-
tury to develop. Jones, the much-lauded
accompanist, goes for himself оп this
set, as he delineates some very lucky
standards with great feeling and great
technique.

Neil Young used to put us off with
the noise he made. He sounded like a
boy soprano whose voice had changed
but whose style hadn't. He was still sing-
ing way up there where the notes are
squeaky and the voice gets thin. Now
he’s winding down. On Hawks & Doves
(Reprise), he sings like a grown man.
He even assays a growl or two. He sounds
assured, a man who's got it together and
knows it. And he is writing very well,
indeed, from a poignant vignette (Little
Wing) to the grim nautical saga of
Captain Kennedy. There's some baleful
political comment in the title song and
on Comin’ Apart at Every Nail. The
refrain on that one: “Oh, this country
sure looks good to me/But these fences
are comin’ apart at every пай.” Our own
favorite an almost verbatim account
of a meeting of the American Federation
of Musicians, Union Man, all about how
the local ratified a resolution to distrib-
ute bumper stickers reading, LIVE MUSIC
15 BETTER. Young does it deadpan, slyly
and hilariously, sort of musical Bob and
Ray. One side of Hawks & Doves
just Neil and his acoustic guitar and
occasional bass. On the other side, he is
backed by a small band featuring some
jazzy fiddling by Rufus Thibodeaux.
This is the record Neil Young has been
trying to make for years.

SHORT CUTS

The Reddings / The Awakening (Believe
two young son:
their cousin, are not fully developed
talents yet—but they're on their way.

Sonny Rollins / Love at First Sight (Milc-
stone): It sounds like the Rollins we
first came to love—and Stanley Clarke
sounds like Superman with a bass.

Ahmad Jamal / Intervals (20th Century-
Fox) and Night Seng (Motown): Impec-
cable pianistics, with soulful rhythm
and casy-listening strings.

Sky (Arista): Inflated pop variations
on classical themes that never get off
the ground.

Keith Jarrett / G. |. Gurdjieff Sacred Hymns
(ECM): Whoever OK'd this project
should be forced to listen to the turgid,
boring result through cternity. On
headphones.

Sylvester / Sell My Soul (Fantasy/ Honey):
Would you buy used disco shrieks from
this man? Keep it.

Boyd Raeburn / Jewells (Savoy): Vintage
big-band weirdness from a fellow who
tried to orchestrate the way Lester Young
played. Pleasantly disconcerting.

TRACKS

FAST

Т WANT А GIRL JUST LIKE THE GIRL WHO MARRIED DEAR OLD DAD DEPARTMENT:

"| don't

need a new record album, | simply need a real human being to love me," Elton
John said recently. Big deal, you say? But this time, he's talking marriage, folks. Just.
think of all the couples who never had a hit record. Kinda warms the heart, doesn't it?

EWSBREAKS: Buddy Holly's widow,
Maria, has filed suit in an effort

to gain custody of the recently lo-
cated glasses of her late husband.
The specs, a well-known Holly trade-
mark, wt misplaced by officials 22
years ago, when his plane crashed
near Clear Lake, Iowa. . The auc-
tion at Abbey Road Studios of re-
cording equipment and memorabilia
brought in about $250,000. Our fa-
vorite item was a roll of toilet paper
once rejected by the Beatles because
of its inferior quality, which went
for $200. Producer Robert Stigwood
is countersuing the Bee Gees and, not
to be outdone, the Electric Light Orchestra
is reportedly also suing its manage-
ment to get out of a contract. ... A
nationally distributed — video-music
network has already begun airing
some programs over independent TV
stations and cable systems. The New
York-based Pop Network purchased
53 hours a week for musicians such as
the Pretenders, Michael Jackson, Marianne
Faithfull and the Ramones. . . . Fans of
the Coasters may have some trouble
keeping up with the group, since
there are about five different touring
acts, all of which daim to be the
iginal one. Apparently, anyone
who ever performed with the Coasters.
is entitled to use its name. ... You
thought Chipmunk Punk was the end
of it? No way. Jim Henson, the creator.
of The Muppets, has formed a record
label to cash in on this trend. Disney,
high on the success of Mickey Mouse
disco, is planning an LP called Goin"
Crackers, featuring Donald Duck on
vocals. . . . Total sales for all the
Doors albums have now passed the
16,000,000 mark. . . . More informa-

tion on the musicbusines board
game mentioned here last December:
It's called The Record Game (what
else?) and you can write to Gorilla,
Inc, Box 288, Nashville, Tennessee
37221, for det:
RANDOM RUMORS: Record and tape
pirates in Singapore are selling а
bootleg called Bob Dylan and Jimmy
Carter. The unauthorized recording
includes parts of Carter's 1980 State
of the Union Message and a selection
оГ Dylan tunes from the concert at
Budokan. The tapes are reportedly
being exported to the Middle East,
Malaysia and New Guinea. . . . Julio
Martinez, a biggie in New York State
drug-abuse rehabilitation, is propos-
ing that records that encourage drug
use be taxed a dollar every time they
are sold or receive radio air play. . . -
We hear that California legislators
plan to propose tough new laws as a
result of outragcous scalping of tick-
ets (as high as $200) at last fall's Bruce
Springsteen concerts іп 1.А. The pro-
posal has gained support. from local
rock promoters as well. . . . Glamor
on the Road Department: While tour-
ing in Australia, Daryl Hall and John
Oates were interrupted at dinner опе
night by a "fan" holding a gun,
wearing a ski mask and demanding
cash—not autographs. When other
diners went to their aid, the gunma
was captured and held for the po-
lice—who, it turned out, had
him on their wanted list for an en-
tire year for similar escapades. Hall
and Oates didn't get a reward, but
their album Voices shot up 20 points
on the Australian charts and went

gold as soon as the story broke.
— BARBARA NELLIS

Enter

Photo

Conte

Takea

shot making your lucky lassa winner.

The luck of the Irish be with you me lads. Now "15 the time to enter
your "Miss l'Rish" in the “I’Rish | Had A Schlitz" photo contest. The
lucky Miss l'Rish's photograph will be featured in the 1982 “I'Rish I had
a Schlitz" merchandising campaign. And she'll һе paid a model's fee
of $800.00.

Ah, but you must be quick about it. All entries must be postmarked no

later than April 15, 1981. So, shake a shamrock before it’s too late.
Here's how you enter:

1. To enter the contest, your favorite Colleen must consent by signing
the entry blank. Send a clear color photograph of her with a completed
entry form ога 3" X 5" card with her name, address, telephone number,
age, eye color and hair color, and mail to “I'Rish 1 Had A Schlitz" Con-
lest, Jos. Schlitz Brewing Company, 235 West Galena Street (M.D. 3202),
Milwaukee, Wisconsin 53212.

2. All color photographs must be at least 3" X 3" but no larger than
8"X 10” They become the property of the Jos. Schlitz Brewing Company
and will not be returned.

3. Entries must be postmarked by April 15, 198] and received by May
1, 1981. You may enter once.

4. Your favorite lass must be of legal drinking age in her state of гесі-
dence and state of submission at the time of entry. Employees and
their families of the Jos. Schlitz Brewing Company, its distributors,

affiliates, subsidiaries, advertising agencies, and of Playboy, and re-
tail licensees, are not eligible. Proof of eligibility may be required.

5. The “I'Rish І Had A Schlitz" Colleen will be chosen by the Photog-
raphy Director of PLAYBOY Magazine, whose decision will be final.
The Colleen will be flown to Milwaukee, Wisconsin, where her photo-
graph will be taken by the Jos. Schlitz Brewing Company. All expenses
will be paid for the “I'Rish | Had A Schlitz" Colleen's stay in Milwaukee,
and she'll be required to execute a model's release.

6.The Colleen will be chosen by May 29, 1981, and notified by
June 15, 1981.

7.No purchase is necessary to enter. Void where prohibited by law.
Allfederal, state and local laws and regulations apply.

NAME (PLEASE PRINT CLEARLY) AGE

RODRESS

ony STATE ШР

¢ › Ms
TELEPHONE EVE COLOR TR COLOR

SIGNATURE OF PHOTOGRAPHEO ENTRANT |
1981 Jos. Schlitz Brewing Company, Milwaukee, Wis

TELEVISION

т powerful fecling as well as per-
fection of form in WNET's adapta-
tion of Guests of the Nation, to be aired оп
Monday, February ninth, at eight Р.м.
(E.S.T) as part of the Great Performances
series on PBS outlets. Taken by Neil Mc-
Kenzie from a Frank O'Connor story
about Ireland in 1921, Guests was first
produced off-Broadway, though its liter-
ary theatrical roots scarcely show. Under
director John Desmond the actors—with
Frank Converse and Estelle Parsons fea-
tured in a uniformly splendid company
take just under an hour to etch a
memorable, lyric tragedy that may be the
best you'll ever see on the subject of men
at war who carry out orders they despise.
Two Irish rebels stand guard over two
English prisoners in а scoldy old widow's
cottage, where the sworn foes’ common
humanity emerges as they do birdcalls or
folk dances or bicker at cards. None сап
foresee the ultimate understated horror of
which Converse, as rueful narrator, 1%
marks, "Anything that happened after, 1
never felt the same about again.” His
sickened moral sensibility leaps right off
the screen.

med оп location іп Соп-

mecticut, though you'd never guess it,

Guests is plain, simple and devastating.
.

Whodunit fans ought to note on their
calendars that this spring will bring
forth, courtesy of the Mobil Showcase
network, the first two Agatha Christie
dassics ever made exclusively for televi-
sion. The Seven Dials Mystery, duc in mid-
March but not available for previewing,
will be followed by Why Didn't They Ask
Evans?, second of the three-hour presenta-
tions. Both have solid British credentials.
Sir John Gielgud plays roles in both
teleplays, and that's a clue to the quality
of the games afoot. In Evans, which
uncovers dark deeds around several state-
ly homes circa 1934, Gielgud's the v
whose footloose son (James Warwick)
joins forces with a smartset heiress
(Francesca Annis, star of Lillie) to find
out what's behind that title phrase—the
last words uttered by a murder victim
found at the bottom of a diff. You'll
never guess right unles you're as cun-
ning as the masterful Miss Christie.

The distinguished Shakespeare Plays
continue on February 23 at eight P.M.
(Е...) on PBS outlets with The Merchant
of Venice, which promises to be the most
controversial program so far in the
series. The historic debate about anti-
Semitism as expressed in the character
of Shylock isn't going to be cooled by
Warren Mitchell's portrayal. Though
unfamiliar to me, Mitchell is a brilliant,
warm-blooded and very Jewish Shylock
whose broad accent and general de-

Mitchell, Jones as Shylock, Portia.

Some pretty snazzy
stuff is due on PBS,
ABC and syndicated outlets.

Generals' Richardson, West and Dysart.

meanor conjure up images of a conven-
tional scheming pawnbroker. When this
Shylock lends money to the merchant
Antonio and demands his pound of flesh

on default, he’s not fooling around. The
virtue of director Jack Gold's handsome,
provocative three-hour production is
that it is probably just the sort of black
social comedy Shakespeare intended,
Shylock may be a shyster, but there is
ample provocation in the heartless young
Venetians who mock him without mercy
after they help his daughter (Leslee Ud-
win as а sexy Jessica) elope with a
Christian, making off with a small for-
tune in jewels, In the humbling court-
room climax of the piece, very touchingly
played, Shylock is forced to kiss a cruci-
fix and renounce his faith. “In convert-
ing Jews to Christians, you raise the
price of pork” is typical of the cruel wit
that mocks his plight. The romantic
subplot of Merchant of Venice—all that
nonsense about lovely Portia and the
ardent suitors who come to woo her by a
kind of lottery involving three mysteri-
ous sealed casks—is played with great
charm by Gemma Jones as Portia and
John Nettles as the lucky Bassanio and
another of those fine English supporting
casts. They're so brushed up on their
Shakespeare, it’s always a clean sweep.
.

The Great Performances offering for
March ninth will be Rudolf Nureyev and the
Joffrey Ballet in Tribute to Nijinsky, another of
PBS’ Dance in America series. Anything
Nureyev does has impact, and here he
performs three of the great ballets
danced by the mad young Nijinsky. In
Petrouchka, he plays a tragic marionette;
Specter of the Rose pairs him with ba
lerina Denise Jackson in that lush period
piece about 2 dreaming beauty and her
blossomy dream man; his third vehicle
is Afternoon of a Faun, originally choreo-
graphed by Nijinsky himsell—a scandal
in 1912 for its graphic eroticism, with the
scantily clad hero having simulated эс
with a wood nymph’s scarf. These early
modern classics don't show the zesty
young Jollrey dancers at their best, yet
producer-director Emile Ardolino’s
tasteful Tribute to Nijinsky is the vin-
tage champagne of TV fare, with Robert
Joffrey and Nureyev
helpful notes and commentary between
the acts.

himself providing

February is the starting month for
Mobil Showcase's Churchill and the Generals,
three weekly one-hour dramatizations of
how Winston won the war with the help
of some brilliant British military strate-
gists and some well-meaning American
brass. “Eisenhower has no strategic sense
at all,” remarks one of Churchill's men
at Casablanca when Ike (Richard Dysart)
and General George Marshall (Joseph
Gotten) seem overanxious about moving
up D day. Timothy West makes ап im-
pressive Churchill, an incurable war

Fortunately, Mumm’s the word in.Cognac, too.

Mumm Cognac. An elegant cognac
created in the same tradition as
Mumm Champagne. How fortunate
for some of us. Mumm Cognac.
Imported from France.

NO Proof. Imported by Browne Vintners Co., Мен

PLAYBOY

More Mexicc

Away to the south is a
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Its a land once ruled
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Mexico.
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lover and self-appointed messiah with a
rage to vanquish Hitlers Huns. Arthur
Hill plays F.D.R. passably, yet Generals
ns Churchill's full-length portrait,
polcon-insslippers sort of show com
plemented by stunning newsreel footage
from May 1940 to the invasion of Nor-
mandy in June 1944. All in all, fascinat
ing glimpses of global chess, seen mostly
from the wings but with genuine si
onstage—in an era when world leaders
looked their parts and played them
bravura style. So very John Bullish, how-
ever, that I wouldn't recommend it to
even occasional Anglophobes, who just
might break out іп а rash.
.

Mosada, another cight-hour marathon
that will run for four nights beginning
Sunday, April fifth on ABC, bumping
such staples oap and Taxi, was
shot on location in Israel at a cost of
$18,000,000, It was adapted from ап Er-
nest Gann novel by Joel Oliansky, who
wrote the current movie release The
Competition, and directed by Boris Segal
(of ABC's Rich Man, Poor Man). Fd ar-
gue with wiseass insiders who describe
this as “a Jewish Roots." It's intelligent,
inspirational, earth-bound. Masada is the
ame of a mountaintop fortress where
960 brave Judeans defied 5000 conquer-
ing Romans back in the First Century A-D.,
and the cast has a standard complement
of Beautiful People to represent both
sides—Peter O'Toole as the Roman gen-
eral Silva, Peter Stra as the indomita-
ble rebel leader, Anthony Quayle and
David Warner as lesser Romans, breath-
taking Barbara Carrera as the captive
beauty whose love humanizes Silva. A
preview screening of the initial two-hov
segment suggests that Masada's milling
throngs will mill through miles and miles
of scenery in a good cause, endorsing
freedom and whipping up windstorms of
déjà vu.

Well into its second season, the suc-
cessful Mystery! series (Tuesdays at nine
Pam., ES.T., on PBS outlets) continues
the h: -forming Rumpole of the Bailey
for six weeks beginning February 17.
Leo McKern hangs іп there as the
cryptic, crusty English barrister who
quotes Shakespeare, defends underdogs
and refers to his formidable spou
she who must be obeyed.” Once he
hooks you, he's as hard to resist as Ar-
chie Bunker. After McKern his h
rumphed into spring, Mystery! bri
us three more chapt
Game (beginning March 81), that action-
oriented, suspenseful racetrack series
with Mike Gwilym as a trouble shooter
whose specialty is hanky-panky in the
horsy set. Gwilym's a kind of street
smart cross between Cockney and Cag-
ney whose style probably has more
resonance for U.S. audiences than any
English superhero this side of 007. —влу.

s
s of The Racing

DINING & DRINKING

І you have but
one night in the
nation's capital,
Germeine's (2400
Wisconsin. Avenue,
Washington, D.C)
is the place to
die. This Ра
Asian restaurant is
the creation of а
Vietnamese former
paratroop nurse
nd newsgirl named
Germaine Loc and
her husband, for-
cer Time-Life war
photographer Dick
Swanson. From the
ashes ой а broken
soci
mily was m
executed in
French debacle of

called Ti Leaf Sca-
food with Coconut
Milk, іп which a
ge fillet of the
rockfish is
ated, then
steamed with
shrimps, chopped
seafood and fresh-
squeezed coconut
milk—all served

wrapped in the
ing foil.

are five

dish-

es, three Jamb offer

ings, pork, beet,
chicken and vegeta-
ble items drawn
from such varied
culinary. traditions
as the Japanesc and
the Filipino. The

1054 and made it
out of Saigon on
the last refugee
flight in 1975), the
Swansons have
‹тайей ап eating-
and-watering hole
couched in natural

For Pan-Asian cuisine
in the nation's capital,
pay a visit to Germaine's.

problem at Ger-
maine’s is du
knowing where to
start and when to
stop.

If you have any
room left for des-
sert, the choice is

woods, a skylighted
ceiling and a jungle of greenery. It has
become an instant hit with globe-
trotting journalists and politicians alike.

Germaine's is not strictly a Vietnamese
restaurant; but it is de rigueur to start
with an order of cha gio, the exquisi
Vietnamese spring rolls made from
minced pork, shrimps and cellophane
noodles. Rolled іп crisp, diaphanous
rice paper and dipped іп pungent
namese fish sauce, these chewy little
delicacies are to Chinese egg rolls what
a French omelet is to scrambled eggs.

Take our advice and eat just one cha
gio per person so you can then order
from the Indonesian-style saté grill near
the front door. This is barbecuing as art:
tiny cubes of beef, pork, chicken or
shrimp skewered on long skinny sticks
nd cooked over the open hearth. Satés
ıe dipped lightly in a spicy peanut
sauce before eating.

Another delightful appetizer is a bowl
of vermicelli-like Szechwan cold noodle:
topped with slivers of cucumber and
liberally dolloped with a thick, brown

sesame paste that contains garlic, ging
soy . sugar and hot pepper. The
hot part sneaks up on yor

is critical at Ge
in such main courses as Viet-
spareribs, marinated tenderly
nd cooked with chopped lemon g
Thai chicken-breast slices cooked with
Oriental basil leaves and sautéed with
about 20 different things"; or a dish

Pacing
there r
namese

limited. Two of
avorites are lichee-nut and ginger
am made exclusively for the res-
ant by a small ice-cream parlor next
door. The coffee, as in all Oriental
leaves much to be desired.
nson vigorously promotes the
of drinking crisp and full-bodied
wines with Oriental food, but Asian beer
is really the best accompaniment to Ger:
maine's food. Besides San Miguel (Phil-
ippines), Amarit (Thailand) and Kirin
(Japan), the restaurants beer list
dudes the excellent, malty-tasting Tsing-
tao from China and big bottles of the
rather spotty Golden le from India.

While far cheaper Шап Washington's
bloated cadre of French restaurants,
Germaine's is not your typical Orien
bargain spot, either. Count on 520-525
per person with drinks and tip for а
three-course meal. Reservations a
must during prime time on weekends
(202-965-1185), To give you an idea of
their тсе, be forewarned tha
Fleetwood Mac was turned dows
for calling too late. Couples w
have a drink or two at the small, cozy
bar overlooking Georgetown will prob-
bly be squeezed in, however. Germaine's
is open for lunch Monday through Fr
day from noon to 2:30 р.м.
served Sunday through Thursday from
6 ьм. to 10 р.м. and Friday and Satur:
day until 11 р.м. Most major credit cards
are accepted.

taur

impor

Dinner

VENE at your local shopping mall,
minding your own business. Suddenly,
live and in person, Lord Darth Vader and
a squad of his Imperial storm troopers
come stampeding out of the dark corridor
between Sears and Kinney Shoes. It’s not
the real Darth Vader, of course, just some
clown from the Star Wars publicity de-
partment dressed іп the villain's armor
‘The point is that you can hardly live in
America these days and avoid the Star
Wars phenomenon.

The good folks at National Public
Radio hope to capitalize on all that.
"They've hired some of the most talented
people in the broadcast industry to pro-
duce а 13-part Star Wars series (beginning
March second) based on the film and
they're anticipating carry-over success on
та

Radio drama all but dried up in this
country 30 years ago, with the advent of
TV. Radio demands the participation of
the listener's imagination id that was а
habit Americans were more than willing
to break when the tube took over. I
mention America specifically because, by
contrast, the British Broadcasting Corpo-
ration still produces more than 2000 hours
of radio drama
that amount is m
play), National Radio Theater of Chica-
go and CBS Radio Mystery Theater.

Richard Toscan, a production execu-
live at KUSC-FM, a major Public Radio
outlet associated with the University of
Southern California, came up with
idea. “It seemed to me,” he said, “if
NPR's goal was to attract a really large
audience quickly, the best project would
be Star Wars.”

Toscan took his idea to George Lucas,
the creator-director of Star Wars—who,
with others at his company, Luca
film. just happens to be a USC graduate
Lucas had originally intended Star Wars
to be a Flash Gordonlike episodic adven-
ture-movie serial. When that plan proved
economically difficult, it became а two-
hour feature film. So the idea of convert-
ing it back into 13 30-minute chapters
pleased him. Besides, he was doing some-
thing for his alma mater

Lucas gave the radio rights to KUSC
for one buck. The campus station shares
distribution rights with NPR, which
financed the projec on а noncommercial
basis, at a reported total cost of $175,000.
Part of the money will come from grants
{тош the Corporation for Public Broad-
casting.

E
urday morning in an eleg;
and stonemasoned
studio in Hollywood, award-winning
radio director John. Madden had a cast
of around two dozen actors reeling

Sa
trimmed

Шу wood-
recording

Daniels, Behrens, King, Hamill on mike.

Here comes Star Wars
again, this time via
the magic of radic.

through lengthy scenes
faster than film making:

“We didn't want to find sountalikes,”
Toscan said. “We didn’t want somebody
who was going to mimic what Har
Ford or Alec Guinness had done ii
movie. But we had to accept the fact that

1 pace five times

Stay Wars is almost an American. myth
now. so we had to at least suggest the

original characters.
rom the film cast, they managed to
get Mark Hamill (Luke Skywalker) and
Britain’s Anthony Daniels (who plays
СЗРО, the gold-plated robot), but they
ran into scheduling problems with the
other principal stars—Carrie Fisher, Guin-
ness, James Earl Jones and Ford. Ber-
nard Behrens will play Guinness’ role as
Obi-Wan Kenobi; Brock Peters will re-
place Jones as the voice of Darth Vader
Since Ford was filming with Steven Spicl-
berg in Europe, Репу King, a veteran
film actor with experience in radio drama,
was chosen to play Han Solo.
Watching chem tape was somethin,
ferent. During the memorable can
scene. least 90 actors were grouped
around three live microphones, which si-
multaneously picked up barroom back-
ground noise and featured voices at varied

volumes—while, in an ion booth,
Daniels’ voice was being tracked through
a slight echo to produce the famili

C-3PO “droid” voice.
“The basic requirement of radio act-

ing,” explained Madden, "as with any

other kind of acting, is plausibility. А
large part of that is imagining circum-

stances that obviously aren't there in the
studio. And a large part of that is simply
monitoring what you hear yourself say.
Mark Hamill is actually а sensational
radio actor—he has an incredible ear for
On the other hand, he's not used to
sustaining a scene that takes four or five
pages. It demands a kind of concentration

and discipline that he doesn’t naturally
have. But he can do it.

During a break, I asked Hamill. Ki
and Daniels how they were handling the
transition from film to radio acting.
PLAYBOY: Is there a difference between
working in film and working in radio?
DANIELS: I find radio very tiring, because
3PO's voice is not that casy to do. In
fact, as a robot, he doesn’t breathe, So I
have to hold my breath most of the time.
нами: The unusual thing for me has
been going back to Luke as he was in the
first story. The character really did make
a transition to The Empire Strikes
Back—there’s much less of that “Golly.
gee whizz” in the second film. Is also а
bit like doi à show in New York and
then doing a revival of it somewhere clse
with a different cast. Because Perry is nol
trying ro do Harrison Ford.
kine: D am trying to do Harrison Ford,
nd this is as close as I can get. [Laughs]
I was going to see Star Wars before we
started, but I decided not to, I'm glad I
didn’t, because then I think I probably
would have tried to reproduce. as much
as possible. Harrison Ford. And you can't.
do that. It wouldn't work.
нами: People accept very quickly. For
a second, they will say, “That's a different
Han Solo," and then they'll be right back
n the story line. Really, the story line
transcends the actors, and what's interest-
ing for me is that we've got 13 half hours
in which to tell the story.

PLAYBOY: Then we take it you'd like to
continue in radio after this project.
нама: I'd love to. It's not the mone
We're all getting just scale. But from an
ego standpoint, I really didn't like the
idea of somebody else doing my part. And
in my generation, we missed out on so
much: on live television and on ra
KING: To a young actor, the kind of radio
that’s so famous from the Thirties is the
е thing you've never had a shot ar
DANIELS: I's a shame that it doesn’t really
exist in the U. S., because it's the best of
a magical medium. I mean, in radio, it's
the audience that wears the costumes.
The great thing is that I don't have to
dress up as 3PO. But if you watch me in
the booth, it's as if I have the costume
on. because I'm wobbling around in there.
The mannerisms are an essential part of
the character, and. in а way, I need them
to be able to асас the same kind of
impression in my head.

A resurgence in the popularity of radio
drama, based on the success of Star Wars,
is at best a long shor. No one's forgotte
the S0-yearold lesson—that radio just
can't compete with television for the
American audience.

Or can it? Anything is possible when
the Force is with you. —JUDSON KLINGER

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l star with Brooke Adams in Utilities, the
story of a social worker who challenges
a major utility company, the old little-
guy-bucking-the-system theme. Apparent-
ly, the script was originally considered
for Robin Williams. . . . Fresh from Flash
Gordon, Sam Jones has signed to do
Kid Punk, an action crime thriller about
а young police обсег who is railroaded
off the force and falls into the hands
of an unscrupulous bunch who promote
him as some kind of punkish hero. Al-
though the producers daim it is nol a
karate film, theres a lot of karate in it,
which is fine with Jones, who happens
to be a blue belt. .. . At presstime. rumors
were rampant that Hollywood be in
for another series of strikes. The Writers
Guild of America contract expires in
March and the Directors Guild contract
follows suit in June. If demands involv-
pay-TV are not met, both unions
may hit the picket lines, a situation t
would virtually we the industry
again, . . . Sylvester Stallone will probably

„а

Hoys Jones

do a comedy after finishing Rocky HI. Al-
though he hasn't yet completed the
aplay, it will involve a starving actor
ns up with a shrink who wants to
be a screenwriter. . . . Farrah Fawcett will
y Joan Robinson Hill in Murder in
Texas, а four-hour miniseries based on
an actual Houston murder case. Appar-

tly, one of the reasons Farrah chose the
role was that Ash Robinson, а surviving prin-
cipal in the murder case who's now 84
years old. said that Farrah was his
dhoice to play the part of his deceased
daughter.

VEGAS ODDS: Jon Voight and Ann-Margret
team up for the first time, along with
Burt Young and director Hal Ashby, in
Lookin’ to Get Ош. Based on a script by
Voight and his longtime friend AI Schwartz,
the flick is a fast-paced Stinglike adven-
ture story about two hustlers (Voight
and Young) who go to Vegas to pull
off a scam the blackjack table and
end up getting stung themselves. (Ann-
Margret plays Voight's ex-girlfriend, now
hooked up romantically with the manag-
er of the Vegas hotel.) Sources close to the
movie say that the idea for the film is
one that Voight and Schwartz have been

kicking around for quite some time, but
other sources tell me that the production
has been characterized by frequent script

Voight Ann-Margret

rewritings, reshootings and budget
creases, not good signs. In any casc,
is a definite change of pace for Voight,
as well as for Ashby, whose last effort
was the oddball hit of 1979, Being There.

ронд рос: For the first time since he
starred in M*A*S*H 11 yea

rs ago. Donald
Sutherland is back in the operating room.
In "Threshold, he plays Dr. Thornas Vrain,
а gutsy surgeon who performs an un-
precedented operation to give a young
girl the first artificial heart. To prepare
for the role. Sutherland studied with
Texas surgeon Dr. Denton Cooley. “Realism
is obviously important to this picture,
ays Sutherland. “To make sure 1 knew
what I was doing, I went on Dr. Cooley's
rounds and observed him in the operat-
ing room. He docs $0 or so heart opera-
tions a day! He taught me how to stitch
and make incisions.” For further authen-
ticity, the film makers borrowed $750,000
hired 20
1g-room
0d put three surgeons on 24-hour

worth of hospital equipment,

SAEN

stand-by
made 1

consultants. Special effects
hearts, out of a special latex
t with cerie realism and
bleed when cut. They also made four
full-sized bodies, four half-sized ones and
20 gallons of stage blood. The film co-
stars Jeff Goldblum, Mare Winningham and
Michael Lerner.

DUELING ZORROS: Douglas Fairbanks played
Zorro in the silent era, Tyrone Power por-
trayed him in 1940, but until now, there
has heen a discreet silence concerning a
little-known member of Zorro’s family—

his identical, and somewhat fey, twin
brother, Ramon. Mel Simon's comic send-
up—Zorro and the Gay Blade—correcis
that oversight, Continuing his successful
venture into comedy, George Hamilton plays
the dual role of the dashing masked
swordsman and his twin, “Zorro is known
all over the world,” says Hamilton. “He
ranks second to Superman as a folk hero.
We need Zorro today—how we need
him!—riding down Pennsylvania Аус-
nuc." For months prior to filming, Ham-
ilton worked around the clock to meet
the arduous physical demands of the dual
role, starting in the morning with work-
outs at a. Nautilus gym. then returning
home to cross swords with noted fencing
master Victor Рай, who rates him as
"a fine and accomplished fencer on his
own who need not be chorcographed in
swordplay.” Afternoons were consumed

Spanish riding styles and ending the
exhausting regimen with bullwhip in-
struction. By the start of production,
Hamilton could flick cigarettes from the
mouths of Zorro's adversaries and wrap
the bullwhip around any villain's neck.
The film, due out this summer, also stars
Lauren Hutton, Ron Leibman and Brenda
Vaccaro.

б
А ramy Aram: In. Chu Chu and the
Philly Flash, Alem Arkin plays Philly

Flash, a down-and-out ex-Philadelpl
Philly whose big daim to fame is that
he was relief pitcher in the 1957 all-star
game. With dreams of glory, an ever
present Phillies cap on his head and an
old autographed baseball in his pocket,
Arkin scrounges around San Francisco
ith a motley crew of street people, try-
ig to саға, by fair means or foul, enough
moncy to take him to Flint, Michigan,
where he's been offered a job as umpire
for a softball team. The unusual aspect to
this film is the fact that Arkin's whole
family is in it. His wife, Barbara Dana
(who also co-wrote the script), and his
sons Tony, 12, and Adam, 24, all co-star
with Carol Burnett, Jock Warden, Ruth Buzzi
nd lov Jacobi. Says Arkin: "Each time
I'm away on location, 1 miss my family.
This seemed like a better way. Now I've
got ‘em all here, working with me.
— JOHN BLUMENTHAL

VANTAGE
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ULTRA TASTE!
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That Cigarette Smoking Is Dange

D b [1
by FTC method. i

RCA's ADVANCED DETAIL PROCESSOR’ MAKES IT POSSIBLE.

1981 Colorirak represents the
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ВСА IS MAKING TELEVISION BETTER AND BETTER.

PLAYBOY'S TRAVEL GUIDE

By STEPHEN BIRNBAUM

TITLING this column "Is Jamaica Safe?”
is not just a cynical way to catch. your
ye. It is an accurate report of the one
question I'm asked—almost to the exclu-
sion of all others—about what was once
the Caribbean's most beguiling destina-
tion.

It’s not a frivolous question. Officials
currently estimate that political unrest
in Jamaica resulted in more than 600
people's being killed during the first ten
months of 1980, in what cin only be
described as inuaparty fratricide. The
of that ongoing violence was
ing to Jamaica's tourist trade
The number of tourists has increased a
mere 13 percent over what it was six
years ago and, іп 1980, the government-
owned hotels and airline (Air (ашай
collectively lost more than $50,000,000.

So why even consider an island idyl
in such a turbulent. place? The answer
is because maica's verdant hillsid
flowing waterfalls and powdery sand
beaches are still among the most alluring
on this planet, and there are few islands
anywhere that so completely satisfy a
er's longing for a tropical paradise.
Those physical atu no less
appealing despite inflation in Jamaica
that’s been running at 30 percent an-
nually (on top of a 50 percent devalua
tion of the can dollar in just the
past year).

Once upon a time, owning or renting
a villa in Jamaica was the perfect way
to laze away a holiday in consummate
luxury. Now, savvy house or villa own
ers or renters arrive on the island haul-
ing their own foodsuufls, wading through
customs with large cartons filled with
bags of flour, boxes of cer ti,
cake mixes and well-wrapped cuts of
meat, cheese and other perishables, Simi-
larly knowing tioners make sure
they take along all their own sports
gear—tennis rackets and balls, swim fins,
snorkels, masks, scuba gear and golf
equipment—lor such luxuries aren't
readily available in any local shop on
the island. And unless your smoking
preference is for a. particular strain of
locally grown ganja, even cigarettes have
been in short supply lately.

But nearly everyone in the local
tourism industry is significantly encour-
aged that the bad political situation of
1980 will rapidly become very much
better following the resounding defeat
of the leftist government of Prime
Minister Michacl N. Manley. Manley's
led democratic socialism—and its
alleged connection to Cuban president
Fidel Castro—was denied another term
ol office and Seaga's pro-

tions are

. spaghi

so-C

IS JAMAICA SAFE

55)

The natives were getting restless.
Now a new pro-tourist regime is
touting a return to the

idyllic days of old. .. .

U.S., pro-frecenterprise Jama
Party has now taken control.
is both the son and the
of travel agents, it is easy to
ieve him when he vows to improve
Jamaica's tourist image in a hurry. At
a recent New York press conference, I
listened as Jamaica's new minister of
tourism frankly admitted that aime and
violence had had a significant effect on
tourism, and he vowed that the new
government. is committed to “encourag-
ing decorum and law and order.”

Within three weeks after taking office,
Seaga personally announced that hotel
reservations were up 17 percent and gun-
play and violence had been cut in half.
The fact is that even prior to the elec
tion, the violence on Jamaica was largely
сіей to the poorest urban arca of
the southeast, the district that Manley
himself called “ghetto Kingston.” That
is an into which few tourists ever
venture, so the much-headlined threat of
tourists’ being murdered in their beds
was never an accurate reflection of the
conditions existing in the major tourist
enclaves on the north shore. To the best
of our knowledge, none of the approxi-
ately 600 people reported killed in
1980 was a tourist, and (һе minister of
tourism maintained that since the elec-
tion, government security forces have
been “astoundingly effective” in confis-

а Labor

cating illegal arms.
The election of Seaga has given tour-
ism in Jamaica an emotional lift. Even
under Manley, the tourism business was
high priorit ad was strongly
promoted and encouraged by the govern:
ment. In fact, the Jamaican government
owns the vast majority of the hotels
there, and it has made sure that all
tourist facilities are sufficiently well
stocked with provisions so that visitors
are unaware of the deprivation that
afflicts so much of the native population
What's more, Jamaica has meaningfully
increased its percentage of European
visitors in the past couple of years, as
they've discovered the delights of the
devaluation and ree ion of the
Jamaican dollar. So there is now an un.
usually high percentage of international
sun wors

item

hipers with whom North Ameri
can visitors can commingl

Recent checks of the beach fı
Negril, Montego Bay, Runaway Bay and
Port Antonio showed holiday hordes
cavorting with their usual glee, oblivious
of any political unrest or threat of
physical danger. There was some talk of
rudeness in the shops in the towns and

general feeling that it was wise to
stay dose to the hotels and tourist
centers. But no one felt inhibited by
the possible dangers of roaming the
interior regions of the island.

If there are any other material prob-
lems with vacationing in Jamaica, they
have to do most with the high cost of
eating out and getting about. While
hotel rooms are still very reasonably
priced—and even more so when they're
purchased in conjunction with the myri
ad package plans offered. by the hotels,
tour operators and airlines
taurant prices have doubled and
comparable to (and occasionally шөге
expensive than) first-class dining in Man
hattan. That despite the fact that at
presstime, one U. 5. dollar equaled $1.75

ts at

most re

are

in Jamaican currency.
One restaurant in Ocho Rios recently
began the tourist season by listing the

prices on its menu іш сап dollars.
Not long after the start of the “official”
tourist season (December 15), the Jamai-
can dollar disappeared from the menu—
it was whited out rather crudely—and
“U.S. $" was just as crudely inscribed
beside the prices. That meant that res
taurant food prices—at least in that
particular establishment—had suddenly
taken а 75 percent jump. What that
means is that dinner for two at a decent
restaurant in Jamaica these days casily
costs between $50 and $75. But the
bottom line is that it’s still OK to go
and enjoy Jamaic

PLAYBOY

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THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR

Ram а reasonably attractive male, 20
ars old. I recently went through what
s for me a very emotional ordeal. About

go, | met a very attractive Orien-
We went out а couple of times.

ith her. After goin,
I moved in with her.
Everything was going great. I was really
interested іп marrying her. One day,
while she was at work, I had the day off.
I was bored. So I got snoopy and started
to go through some old pictures of hers
that she had stuffed into a box in the
back of the closet. I ran across an enve-
lope, on the cover of which was the name
of a major reconstructive-surgery clinic.
Т opened it and found documents of
name changes, Social Security-number
changes, work records and birth certifi-
cates. What it came down to was: The
girl I had fallen in love with had
had a sex-change operation. It was а
tremendous emotional blow to me. 1
didn't know what to do. I didn't let her
at I knew about it.

enjoyed sex less
her, needless to say. Since then, I haven't.
been to bed with any girl. I almost find
it hard to even talk with опе. Is it wrong
for me to think so badly of her? I just
don't understand, I'm afraid it has left
an emotional scar for life. Is there any
way for me to get over this?—C. H,
Denver, Colorado.

Life, as the тап says, can be a bitch.
And silence can be a breeding ground
for pain and confusion. Maybe you
should at least talk this over with your
friend. Maybe not, Although the facts of
this situation border on the bizarre, the
basic problem is the same with any
breakup. H used lo be said that the only
cure for a woman was another woman.
We're not sure that applies here, but it’s
the best shot we've got. When a relation-
ship disintegrates, you should go out and
have an affair or four or fie. You need
10 liberate your own sexuality from the
details of the immediate past, to assure
yourself that your arousal-is not depend-
ent on your former partner. As the
years pass, you'll look back on this as а
great war story for those times when your
children ask you, “Апа what did you do
in the sexual revolution, Daddy?”

ЮМ, vidco recorder has just about
soaked me dry. It’s not the machine, it's
the cassettes. 1 like movies and paying
$50 to 560 for a movie cassette is sl ng
to cut into the rent. Is there some way 1
сап indulge my hobby without getting

into illegal duping?—P.
Pennsylvania.

You're not the only one who has that
problem. Which is why the rental busi-
ness is currently booming. In some areas,
there ате still legal kinks to be worked
ош, but some outlets—Fotomat, for in-
stance—have been authorized 10 rent
movie cassettes. The problem is collect-
ing the royalties, which are considerable
when you, in fact, sell the same goods
over and over. Bul the distributors are
beginning to see the light. Another solu-
tion is trade-ins, which have also been
successfully tried in some areas. You get
maybe 815-820 off on а new cassette
when you take an old one back. Swap
clubs have also been formed. You pay a
membership fee and you get a list of cas-
setles other members want to swap. If
that’s too formal for you, you can sel up
your own swap club with a friend. Check
the Yellow Pages or the ads іп video
magazines to find the method that looks
the best to you.

T., Pittsburgh,

The other night, my lover mentioned
that he had experienced great head only
a few times in his life. Mind you, he
wasn't complaining about the quality
ol our daily diet. it was just that there
were one or two episodes that stuck
out in his mind, if not his pants. I
didn't follow up the conversation at the
time, but since then, Гуе been wonder-
ing: How can I improve my technique?
Гле read The Joy of Sex, More Joy
Xaviera's Supersex. All the sex manuals
tell you is that oral sex is OK and fun,
but none of them really goes into detail.

Can you give me any pointers—Miss
5. В., Seattle, Washington.

We love questions like this; it gives
us a chance to convene the Playboy Ad-
visor Advanced Tutorial on Wondrous
Sex and spend hours in the test bedrooms
confirming our data. Ahem. You might
ask your boyfriend to revi those peak
encounters, to see if he can find an
thing particular that distinguishes great
head from the merely incredible. He
might be able to define the secret in-
gredient, but you should be warned that
a lot of the people with whom we talked
said that when it comes to oval sex, not
having to give directions was a blessing.
Surprise is more important than sug-
gestion, improvisation more pleasurable
than obedience or duly. There were a
few techniques that were cited: Men
seemed to recall with special fondness
their partners who swallowed the ejacu-
late, who performed deep throat or
some other special trick (adding hands
or teeth, handcuffs, feathers, whipped
cream). Women liked men who did not
stop at the first orgasm, who bopped till
they dropped. Both sexes seem to like
oral sex when it is done for its own
benefit and not as some halfhearted
form of foreplay. It seems that timing
is more important than technique,
though. Where and when you perform
oral sex will make more of an impres-
sion than the specific combination of
saliva and sensation. Oral sex is 10
intercourse what guerrilla warfare is to
trench warfare: It’s best on the fly. Hit
and run. Just remember the scene іп
“Dressed to Kill.” in which Angie Dick-
inson engages in a little zipless head
with a stranger in the back seat of a taxi.
We think it’s safe to say that the event
was special. It’s getting awfully hard to
find an empty cab these days. Other
than that, it pays to notice how a lover
performs oral sex оп you—it seems that
people tend to do onto others as they
want others to do onto them. Since this
is a matter of national concern, we think
we ought to open the discussion: If any
of you have a special technique, or
episode, why not drop us a letter? We'll
publish the best tips in a future column.

Having recently decided to upgrade the
speakers on my sterco syster
visit my local stereo shop. 1 was ushered
into its “listening room” and the sales-
man hooked up а pair of speak
receiver, jacked up the volume to the
level of pain and asked me how 1 liked
them. Frankly, 1 haven't
aural assault since a lateSixtis J
Hendrix concert. Isn't there a better way

PLAYBOY

“Being active can drain

amans body of zinc-
a metal ‘more
precious than gold’

for good health.

: Dan Gable, Olympic Wrestling Champion
Coach of 1980 U.S. Olympic Wrestling Team

"Nothing's more im- more than the US rec- | eliminated daily,
portant to me than ommended daily „= ə you may
keeping my allowance of needmore
body fit. And Zinc — the mineral than you get
I know that not available frorn your daily
Zincisan in most food intake.
essential formulations. LetZ-BEC
mineral for fulfill your bodys
every man more, normal needs
who wants to ZBECgives | | for 6essential
maintain good phys- you an extra supply of B-Complex vitamins,
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why | make sure our and Vitamin C...vital Vitamin C and Zinc.
wrestling tearm takes elements that your body
Z-BEC? Its rich in cannot store And since
Zinc— a metal ‘more these important vita-
precious than gold' mins are water- soluble |
for helping a man and
stay in shape”

Z-BEC is one high
potency formula
thats fortified
with fifty

percent

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600 mg
Vitamin Cana

1407 Cummings Drive B-Complex
AH ROBINS 50 con no VILIS

AHROBINS

shop for speakers?—S. T., Los Angeles,

ога.
Buying stereo equipment isn’t sup-
posed to be like buying fast food, though
that’s the impression you get in some
electronic supermarkets. The next time a
salesman. 6 you that kind of pitch,
tell him you'll buy the speakers only if
you can get the “listening room.” too.
After all, that’s what you're listening to,
not the speakers. You won't know exact-
ly how the speakers are going to sound
until you gel them into your сип living
room. But since you can'l move the show-
room 10 your house, you're going to have
to take a controlled chance. Usually, the
best place to start is money. Figure out
how much you want to spend and stick
with it. First, eliminate off brands, exper-
imental systems and sf hookups. You
don't want to underwrite somebody's
RED department; you want good sound.
Next, eliminate carved-wood cabinets
and needlepoint grillé cloth, for obvious
reasons. At that point, you'll find you're
looking at perhaps three or four systems.
Write down their names and leave the
store. People get stuck buying things they
don't want because they rush the pur-
chase. You don't want sound for Saturday
nights big party; you want it for a good
portion of your life. During the next
week or so, research the products. Read
any literature the store has on the speak-
ers, check hi-fi m: nes and books for
their reviews and. finally, ask а knowl-
edgeable friend. When you get two rave
reviews, you're ready 10 go back to the
store. That's when it's comparison time.
But don't compare the speakers with one
another, Ask to hear the very best, (ор-
of-the-line speaker in the store and сот-
pare your two against il. The one that
comes closest to the high-quality speaker
is the one you want. All that remains is
to take it home and try it under your
own listening conditions. If it doesn’t
sound the way you want H to, take it
back and begin the whole process again.
Ignore the wails of your salesman. I's
your money.

"T ois may sound strange, but E find that
when I am angry at someone, the sex
that results сап be astonishing. On more
than one occasion, I have engaged in
hate fuck.
leaves me feeling а liule
x is supposed to be tender,
, 4 morale booster, something jc
ful. It shouldn't be associated with ag-
gression, right? Is my
К. S., Houston, :
Not really, In the December PLAYBOY,
in an article on desire, one expert points
out that we experience an
intense emotion—be it jealousy, fear,
anger or grie[—we tend to carry over
the energy into our sexual relationships,
if given the opportunity. The physio-
logical symptoms of arousal are the same

your basic ram-it-to-the-
It always

whenever

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A remote
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With advantages like that we can’t see why
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for anger as they are for sex—rapid
breathing апа heartbeat, etc. One emo-
tion can fuel another. Indeed, ше are
seldom aware of how long the feelings
from one situation last—an argument
at work can affect your dinner date.
A triumph on the tennis court can still
leave you feeling horny—even after a
cold shower. (One researcher claims that
physical exercise is an aphrodisiac. He
found that joggers may experience a peak
of arousal a half hour after finishing a
run.) We wouldn't be worried about it—
as long as you kiss and make up, it’s OK.

"Tuis spring, I plan to buy a tenspeed
€. As you probably realize, there are
several hundred. diffe
market. What I need is а place to start.
What's the most significant difference
between those that cost $100 and those
that cost $300? I do want more bike
than I need and J don't want a clunker,
cither.—R. D., Atlanta, Georgia.

Discounting gear systems, braking sys-
tems, other hardware and accessories, the
magic word in biking is weight. Pedaling
power, handling and riding enjoyment
are alla function of how much the bike
weighs and how rigid the frame is. Natu-
rally, you'll find that the more expensive
the bike, the less it weighs, The highest-
priced vehicles are close to the 25-pound
mark; moderate bikes run about 30
pounds; and “clunkers,” anywhere from
35 to 40 pounds. Ten-specds ave slimmed
down by using lighterweight, higher-
priced metals. Those require superior
construction techniques to keep the
frames rigid. Hence, the higher price
tags. If you're interested in “breaking
away,” try the 25-10-30-pounder. For
casual sport, go as high as 33 pounds.
The rest are worth it only if your streets
are not paved.

Bam a 19-year-old girl who has indulged
in masturbation since I was around ten
years old. That's also probably about the
age my boyfriend started. Neither he nor
I have any trouble reaching a climax
that way. When we have

itercourse, һе

has an orgasm but says the feeling,
though pleasant, is not as intense as when
he masturbates. As for me, 1 "t reach.

no matter how slowly he

very much in love and we enjoy sex im-
mensely, but we feel a little incomplete
(especially me). I'm beginning to wonder
if what I thought was a myth—that mas-
turbation interferes with sexual satisfac-
tion later—is really true. 1 realize that
this is a whopper to advise someone on
by letter, but we hoped you could suggest
a therapist who could deal with our prob-
lem more cxtensivcly.—Miss D. L., Phoc-
nix, Arizona.

Don't panic. You тау not have so
serious a problem. The fact that you have
already masturbated to orgasm greatly

removed please send to Mircbar Books, 904 Ethan Allen Highway, Ridgefeld, СІ. 06877.

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“Most Men Are Too Busy Trying To Pick Up Girls To Meet Any”

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He's always getting presents from girls.
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He never has to worry about seducing
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And we'll show you exactly how he does
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` Don

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Box 11
| Ridgefield, CT 06877
| I don't know if you're crazy or not, but you can П
count те іп for sure. Send me the Shy Man's Way
To Meet Girls. Here's my $9.95. І
1 will try ощ your material for v year, then if I |
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retum it for your special refund. If I do return your
material, you will send me back my $9.95. |
1 understand my material will be sent in a plain |
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increases the chances that you will learn
to do so during intercourse. (Kinsey
found that women who had taken things
into their own hands in childhood were
more orgasmic in marriage.) As for the
relative quality of the pleasure, your ex-
perience is not unique. Masters and
Johnson found that the people in their
lab generally reported that the orgasm
derived from masturbation was more in
tense than the one achieved during inter-
course. It is easy enough to explain. You
have the situation under total control
and no one else to be concerned with, As
for attaining orgasm during intercourse—
it is less a matter of how slow he takes it
than of how he takes it slow. Find a
position that gives you a little more con-
trol, that lets you direct the attention to
where you need it most (usually, but not
always, the clitoris). Use your hands—
and/or а vibrator—while he's inside you.
Try oral sex. In short, you probably
don't need professional help, just a little
amateur-hour enthusiasm.

Bam a happy, recently divorced man
who is finally beginning to appreciate a
variety of sexual experiences with a
fine lady, who also enjoys my joy in
experimentation. Although she had пеу-
er experienced anal stimulation and
penetration before, she sure liked it
when I introduced her to this form of
lovemaking. We both enjoyed the sen-
sations involved and during our romp
in the hay, alternated vaginal and anal
penetration. Now, here's my question: I
was recounting highlights of this series
of events to an old college friend whom
I hold in the strictest confidence. He
cautioned me that moving from front to
were) and back again, without
ning the vehicle of penetration,
could harm my girlfriend by transferring
bacteria from the rectal arca to the vagi-
nal area, and thus cause
illness. Is he rightz—G. L
California.

Your friend gives good advice. Follow
it, You should be aware, though, that
the greater danger is not to the woman
but to yourself. The E. coli bacteria
that ате пола quite harmless in the
intestinal tract can wreak havoc with
your prostate. You may want to wear
а condom to protect yourself.

All reasonable questions—from fash-
ion, food and drink, stereo and sports cars
to dating dilemmas, taste and eliquette—
will be personally answered if the writer
includes a stamped, self-addressed en
velope. Send all letters 10 The Playboy
Advisor, Playboy Building, 919 N. Michi-
gan Avenue, Chicago, Illinois 60611. The
most provocative, peri
be presented on these pages cach month.

O Start (or renew) my subscription.
D 12 issues $18 (Save $13.00 off the $31.00 newsstand price.)
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O Bill me. C Payment enclosed

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To order by phone anytime,

CALL TOLL-FREE 800-621-1116.

(Except in Illinois. Alaska, Hawaii. In Шіпоіз only, call 800-972-6727.)

[|
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PLAYBOY гер. 7AAG5. Р.О. Box 2523, Boulder, Colorado 80322

„ттт

‘The simple pleasures

of driving a Honda Prelude.
Starting from the top.

We think you'll agree, it’s a real
pleasure to look at.

But our sportiest Honda also

sports the kind of features that
make ita thrill to drive.
THE POWER-OPER. ) MOONROOF.
For OPENERS, I 'ANDARD.
Atthe push of a button, the
tinted-glass moonroof slides bac
Atthe same time, an automatic
deflector helps keep the wind out.
When you're behind the
sed at what
"his year, the
instrument panel houses a sepa-
rate tachometer and speedometer,
a quartz digital clock, a mainte-
nance reminder and an electronic
warning system.
Of course, the Prelude is
justas much of a pleasure to sit in.

Its luxurious interior features
comfortable bucket seats and ad-
justable headrests.

Oursportiest car has front-
wheel drive, four-wheel indepen-
dent suspension, rack and pinion
steeringand a responsive 1751сс
СУСС*епрїпе The fact is, the
Honda Prelude is designed to give
you years of good performance.

"THE AUTOMATIC TRANSMISSION.
‘The 5-speed stick shift is
standard. But with the optional
automatic 3-speed, you also get
variable-assist power steering.
And after you've weighed all
your options, we hope you drive
off in the Honda Prelude.

ESEQRSESES

We make it simple.

THE PLAYBOY FORUM

a continuing dialog on contemporary issues between playboy and its readers

BACK TO THE BOTTLE

For those who would "outlaw sin,"
the Indian state of Tamil Nadu should
provide a little moral lesson. According
to newspaper stories chief minister
M. G. Ramachadran, a film star turned
politician, toughened the 20-year-old
“dry” laws when he came to power three
years ago, imposing stiff jail sentences
for drinking and even banishment from
the state for hardened boozers. M.C.R.
(as he's known to his fans) succeeded іп
filling the jails but found, at election
time, that his popularity had collapsed.

It turns out that M.G.R. had been
elected by an enormous bloc of women
voters who idolized his screen image.
Now they told him they were starving
because 100,000 of their men had lost
their jobs after being convicted of pro-
hibition infractions. They said they
didn't mind the men drinking and beat-
ing them, provided they kept their jobs.

"The laws were relaxed immediately.
Now anyone over 30 can obtain a special
permit to buy booze and chief minister
М.С.К. has been re-elected.

Norm Jamison
London, England

BRIGHT IDEA `

Since race became an important social
and political issue in this country, seri-
ous disputes have developed concerning
integration, segregation, affirmative ac-
tion, minority quotas, and so on. The
thought has just occurred to me that
those problems could be eliminated by
pointing out to people that through a
fairly simple legal procedure, they can
amend their birth certificates by alleging
that their race has been incorrectly
stated.

It would be very difficult to disprove
a person's allegation that he came from
a particular culture or continent. It
would be virtually impossible to trace
most peoples family trees back more
than several generations, let alone back
to the original immigrants to this coun-
try. Most people believe it is easy to
determine race by the color of one’s skin,
but that simply isn’t true. A well-tanned
ucasian may be darker-skinned than a
fairskinned Negro, and any test used by
a court must be extremely accurate. 1
think it would be a bit of 2 chuckle to
hear a Federal judge order lightmeter
tests of children entering school.

Imagine how handy it would be for a
white male to “corrett” his birth certif-
icate to reflect the fact that he is a mem-

ber of a minority, thereby allowing him
to take advantage of various affirmative-
action programs. I feel that if a great
number of people utilized this proce-
dure, it would throw a large monkey
wrench into the gears of government,
forcing acknowledgment that opportuni-
ties should, indeed, be equal.

Timothy R. Higgins

Attorney at Law

St. Louis, Missouri

“Deputies said the massage
parlor had been under
surveillance for two years.”

CRIME CONTROL

The daily press dependably chronicles
human folly, often without quite realiz-
ing the service it provides to those of us
who are content to witness it in wonder,
to comment to ourselves and our friends,
and then to break up in laughter, but
otherwise not participate. Your Forum
Newsfront section seems to understand
this without proclaiming it as editorial
doctrine, because you provide such a
good mix of important information and
examples of madness that are equally
instructive to a wide spectrum of readers,
І herewith submit а news item too com-
monplace and too local to merit serious

and individual treatment, but will try to
give it meaning to your general reader-
ship by way of a little personal com-
mentary.

The article reports that 11 people
have been charged with working in a
house of prostitution disguised as a mas-
sage parlor near Tempe, Arizona. The
otherwise routine article names several
female suspects апа concludes with the
sentence, “Deputies said the massage
parlor had been under surveillance for
two years.”

Jesus Christ! Two years’ worth of
"surveillance" of a suspected whorehouse
by law-enforcement officers produces a
net result of 11 misdemeanor (here comes
the pun) busts!

The reporter who wrote the item
failed to answer a number of questions
that came to my devious mind. Perhaps
PLAYBOY will obtain the answers. The
questions are:

l. Was the aforementioned surveil-
lance conducted from inside the suspect
establishment?

2. Did the same officers "work the
case" for the entire two-year period?

3. What significant acts were observed
by officers during the second year that
were not observed during the first year?

4. Were there significant changes in
status of the surveilling officers during
the case? (Promotions, marriages, retire-
ments, incidence of venereal disease.)

5. How many "customers" of the house
were interviewed? Arrested? Charged?

6. What cost to the taxpayer, that 730-
day surveillance leading to the arrest of
those “desperate public enemies”?

J trust my friends at PLAvBOY to pick
up where the local reporter left off.

Lake Headley
Phoenix, Arizona

Headley is a former cop, first-rate pri-
vate investigator, dedicated activist and
inspired troublemaker with whom we're
well acquainted. Having published
Headleys questions, we'll let it go at
that; they contain their own message.

ABORTION VS. BIRTH CONTROL
PLAYBOY's consistent defense of abor-
tion puzzles me. As a college student and
a woman who is not some protected
species of rare virgin, I cannot under-
stand your concern over the denial of
public funds to welfare women to abort
pregnancies they could easily have
avoided through the use of readily avail-
able contraceptives. Birth control is
basic. Abortion is not and raises many

PLAYBOY

moral and legal issues. Your editorial
energies would be better spent promot-
ing responsibility in sex instead of justi-
fying abortion as the supposed right of
someone who, through no one's fault but
her own and perhaps her partner's, be-
came pregnant in the first place.

Please do not accuse me of indiffer-
ence to the population problem or to
the plight of the unwanted child. I think.
these matters are extremely serious but
would rather sce them anticipated and
ided rather than corrected after con-
ception already has taken place.

(Name withheld by request)
Omaha, Nebraska

Apparenily, it's time for а litle his
tory lesson. pLavnoy has been promoting
the availability and conscientious use of
contraceptives for the past two decades—
since the days when birth control itself
was controversial and often illegal. The
right to obtain. contraceptives even by
married couples was not recognized until
1965, and as late as 1971, it remained a
Federal crime to send contraceptive in-
formation through the mails and a crime
in some states to supply contraceptives
to unmarried persons. We actively sup-
ported several of the test cases that estab-
lished the rights you seem to take for
granted, and the idea of responsibility
in sexual relations for both partners is
one we've advocated to the point of
belaboring it.

Two facts remain that compel us to
advocate complete abortion freedom, es-
pecially in the face of mounting efforts
lo destroy it. One is that of contracep-
tive failure, a problem of much greater
magnitude than generally imagined. The
other is human nature that seems in-
evitably and perpetually to include a
substantial degree of bad judgment, ig
norance, contrariness, stupidity or what-
ever one wishes to call it. Half a million
illegitimate births in 1979 can be
blamed on anything one likes, but the
fact of them remains and no amount of
disapproval—or the restricting of abor-
tion—is likely to correct a problem that
too often is perceived only after the fact.
Abortion is always a disagreeable alter-
native to birth control; but that does not
mean it should be any less an alterna-
live. We do not sce involuntary child-
bearing as a useful form of ейһет
education or punishment.

THE OTHER SIDE

Illinois State Representative Herbert
V. Huskey's bill to assure divorced moth-
ers of their monthly child support is no
doubt a step in the right direction (The
Playboy Forum, November). After all, it
is the welfare of the child we are con-
cerned with. Most divorced mothers can-
not afford the costly attorney fees
required to receive what is rightfully due
them in the first place.

But what about the other side of the

FORUM NEWSFRONT

what’s happening in the sexual and social arenas

ONLY IN IRELAND

DUBLIN—After years of fierce legis-
lative debate, the Irish parliament has
passed а Family Planning Act that
allows married couples to legally pur-
chase contraceptives. The law still ex-
cludes single persons and permits the
sale of birth-control pills and devices

only by registered pharmacists and only
with a doctors prescription. А “соп-
science clause” in the law permits
doctors and druggists to refuse to pre-
scribe or sell them if they have per-
sonal moral objections.

DEATH PENALTY

BosTon—The Massachusetts Supreme
Court has struck down the state death
penalty in a harshly worded six-to-one
decision that said capital punishment
is “impermissibly cruel” and “brutalizes
the state which imposes it^ The jus-
tices found that the law violated
constitutional rights іп several ways,
discriminated against minorities and
represented “a denial of the executed
person’s humanity апа a denial of all
his rights.”

Elsewhere, the fifth U.S. Circuit
Court of Appeals in New Orleans over-
turned the Alabama death penalty on
essentially technical grounds and the
California Supreme Court upheld that
state's capital-punishment law. Also in
California, a U of С sociologist reported
Statistical evidence that the death pen-
alty seems to deter murder for about
two weeks after a highly publicized
execution, but then the murder rate
goes back up.

MISTAKEN IDENTITY

BARTOW, FLORIDA—A lawyer's imagi-
native plan to demonstrate the unrelia-
bility of eyewitnesses resulted in the
conviction of an innocent courthouse
bystander who had not ewm been
charged with a crime. The attorney,
defending a young black man accused
of assault, battery and resisting arrest,
asked another black youth to go into
the courtroom and merely sit in the
defendant's place. Assured that he
would not get into any trouble, the un-
involved party did just that, was duly
identified as the culprit, convicted by
the judge over protests of the lawyer
and taken to jail to await sentencing.
Said the judge, “Three witnesses posi-
tively identified him, whoever he is.”
After some further discussions, the
young nondefendant was released and
the conviction vacated

POT POLLS

The latest Gallup Poll on pot indi-
cates that 52 percent of Americans now
favor the elimination of criminal. pen-
alties for possession of small amounts of
marijuana and that onc in four favors
its legalization. Among respondents aged
25 to 29, 70 percent supported decrimi-
nalization.

A recent Canadian poll found that
56.6 percent of those surveyed supported
marijuana-law reform and that nearly 20
percent believed pot should be sold like
liquor in government-licensed stores.

OCCUPATIONAL HAZARD
AURORA, COLORADO—Two former city
policemen have filed a $25,000,000 suit
against the mayor, the police chief and
other civic officials, claiming that they
became psychologically addicted 10
cocaine and marijuana in the line of
duty as undercover narcotics officers.
The suit alleges that they were required
to use the drugs for the purpose of “en-
ticing suspects and gaining said suspects"
trust in order to effectuale drug-related
arrests” and both now sufjer from “acute

clinical psychosis and paranoia,”

COURTS 2, MOTHERS 0

WASHINGTON, b.c—By refusing lo
hear an appeal, the U.S. Supreme
Court has upheld an Illinois Supreme
Court decision that took custody of
three children from a suburban Chi-
cago woman because she had been liv-
ing with a boyfriend after her divorce.
The three Justices who argued in favor

of hearing the case stated in dissent,
“Nothing in the record or in logic sup-
ports a conclusion that divorced parents
who fornicate, for that reason alone,
are unfit or adversely affect the well-
being and development of their chil-
dren in any degree over and above
whatever adverse effect separation and
divorce may already have had.”

Also in Chicago, а divorce-court
judge denied custody of two children
to a working mother chiefly on the
ground that her job as a saleswoman
required her to travel. Judge Charles J.
Grupp said the woman was “entitled to
pursue a career of her own” but added,
“What is more important is that the
children are entitled to a stable en-
vironment.”

BATTERED HUSBAND

JACKSONVILLE, FLORIDA—Prosecutors
dropped murder charges against а 47-
year-old man after deciding he qualified
as a “battered husband” and had shot
his wife in self-defense. An investiga-
tion disclosed that on a number of
occasions, the woman had shot at or
had actually stabbed her spouse, one

time leaving him lying іп a parking
lot with a knife in his back, and that
he killed her in the Бейіс) she was again
reaching for a weapon.

NONTAXABLE INCOME

KARLSRUHE, WEST GERMANY—Fees
from prostitution are not taxable, the
West German federal court has ruled,
because they do not qualify under the
“other income” provision of the na-
tional tax laws and are not covered by
laws relating to self-employment earn-
ings. The decision exempts hookers
from paying income tax but not brothel
owners, who, the court ruled, are obli-
gated to declare their percentage of a
prostitute's earnings asa "turnover" tax.

MILITARY DROPOUTS

WASHINGTON, D.C—4 U.S. Army
study has found that women recruits
are failing to finish their first enlist-
ments at a higher rate than male volun-
teers. The dropout rate for women
soldiers was estimated at nearly 39 per-
cent for 1980, or six percentage points
higher than for men. The Pentagon's
equal-opportunity chief suggested that
one reason for women's dissatisfaction
with the Service was a lack of peer ac-
серіапсе when performing traditional
male jobs, especially when they were
performing the jobs better than the
men. Other possible factors were sexual
harassment and the tendency of the
military to keep even skilled women in
traditional menial roles that permitted
по career advancement.

LAW SCHOOL LIABILITY

SAN rRANCISCO— The prestigious Has-
tings Law School of the University of
California has been ordered to pay
$217,500 in damages for failing to pro-
tect a woman student who was sexually
assaulted in a school rest room in 1975.
A superior-court jury of seven women
and five men found that employees of
the school “failed to exercise ordinary
care" and that that failure “was a proxi-
male cause of the plaintiffs injuries"
through no negligence of her own. The
suit noted that the attack occurred in a
school building in а high-crime area
and in the absence of reasonable secu-
rity dictated by known local conditions.

ANTIKLAN

BIRMINGHAM—Jn ап unusual legal
action to deter Ku Klux Klan violence,
the Southern Poverty Law Center has
brought а $1,000,000 civil suit against
one regional Klan organization and
lain members charging a conspiracy to
deny blacks thei constitutional rights
by “a series of intimidating and violent
acts.” The suit also asks that such acts
be legally enjoined, which would per-
mit the arrest and immediate confine-
ment on contempt charges of Klansmen
for violating a Federal court order.

BLACK EYE FOR BLUENOSES

Houston—A former home-economics
teacher, fired in 1976 for giving her
students a sex-and-dating questionnaire,
has been awarded $71,000 in back pay
and damages from the school district
and the school superintendent in La
Grange, Texas. А Federal-court jury
found that a student had obtained a quiz
produced by syndicated advice columnist
Ann Landers, that the teacher had
allowed students to answer the questions
anonymously and that no school policy
had been violated.

PRESCRIBED SEX
Human sperm has been officially clas-
sified as a prescription drug by a Cana-
dian pharmaceutical group in order for
artificial-insemination patients to qual-
ify for treatment under Canada’s

Medicare program. According to Amer-
ican Medical News, the Order of Phar-

macists of Quebec decided, after
“lengthy philosophical debate,” that
sperm used for insemination could be
designated a prescribable medicine.

BARE FACTS

SOUTH BAY, CALIFORNIA—A 32-year-old
woman accused of taking off her clothes
and shouting “Praise Jesus!” during a
church service arrived in municipal court
to answer a charge of indecent exposure
and repeated her earlier performance. A
deputy district attorney reported, “I saw
this lady sans raiment pushing her way
through the crowd and entering the area
between the spectators and the counsel
table. The cheers and applause followed
her as she went southbound through the
courtroom.” After two marshalls per-
suaded her to put on her clothes, she
pleaded guilty to the original charge,
received a two-year probated sentence
and was ordered to a hospital for a
mental examination.

Elsewhere: Police in Hermiston, Ore-
gon, arrested a woman at а local lounge,
naked except for knee socks and who
was about to leave in the company of
four apparently intoxicated men. Ac-
cording to the cops, the men identified
themselves variously as the woman's
husband, brother, cousin and uncle,
but none knew her name.

In Falls Church, Virginia, an accused
woman shoplifter managed to prove her
innocence by taking off all her clothes
before a crowd of amused customers.

PLAYBOY

coin? What costiree avenue of appeal
do fathers have to assure them of their
rights and of the enforcement of their
visitation privileges? None. It doesn’t
really matter what the courts have de-
creed. The mother can always feign ill-
ness, be conveniently gone or just plain
refuse. A vindictive woman, using visita-
tion privileges as a weapon, can cause
far more harm to a child than most
people realize. When the man is already
paying out a healthy portion of his in-
come toward child support, why do the
courts assume he can afford attorney's
fees to enforce his rights? Even if he does
go through the legal process at great
expense, it doesn't necessarily accomplish
anything. Believe me; I've been there.
Ron W. Huskey
Shreveport, Louisiana

One can assume that fathers will al
ways use child-support payments as their
only means of protest against archaic
custody and visitation laws. When laws
are passed that are truly in the best in-
terest of the child, then I'll bet child-
support collections increase dramatically.
Jack D. Paradise, President
Divorced Dads, Inc.
Kansas City, Missouri

MATTERS OF DEFINITION
Reading the December Playboy Fo-
тит, I was amazed that so many people

seem to have the misguided idea that the
word sex in the E.R.A. refers to the act
rather than to gender. To me that is
absolute nonsense. The intent of this
amendment is to eliminate discrimina-
tion based on sex, yes, but to interpret
this to include sexual acts is as absurd as
interpreting "race" to mean a foot race
or an automobile race.

The question of the rights of homosex-
uals is not addressed by this amendment,
and the rights of rapists and other con-
уісей felons are well defined by state
and Federal law. 3

"Ted Robinson
Houston, Texas

PRICE OF POT
Lam a guest of the Texas Department
of Correction in Huntsville, Texas, serv-
ing two concurrent three-year sentences
for selling one ounce of marijuana and
possessing four ounces. Although I admit
my guilt, the marijuana was home-grown
with a THC content of about one to
two percent. I am 44 years old, married,
with a кој
pened, I had been employed 20 years as
a painter foreman and general superin-
tendent. But let me get to the point.

I think someone should research the
total cost of a marijuana bust from be-
ginning to end. Cops, jail, bonds, attor-
neys, prosecutors, judges, probation,
parole, prison, aid for families, paper

ear-old son. Before this hap-

work, travel expenses, etc. I know the
cost of my case is in the thousands of
dollars. It has cost me $20,000 in lost
wages alone, not counting $5000 for
attorney and bonds. I wouldn't even try
to guess how much it costs the court and
the taxpayer. All for a home-grown $25
lid.

David H. Medlin

Huntsville, Texas

NINEDIGIT ZAP

Please run this like one of those little
PUBLIC NOTICE items in newspapers that
disclaim debts of spouses, proclaim bank-
ruptcies or otherwise officially inform
friends, business associates and the world
in general of some significant change in
a person's situation. I can't think of a
better place to post my notice than in
The Playboy Forum.

I would like to advise my friends and
relatives that they no longer will be
receiving birthday, Christmas or other
cards, or any letters at all; to advise my
creditors that I will no longer be paying
my bills by mail and perhaps not at all,
unless they wish to make an appoint-
ment by phone and come by in person;
and to advise various local, state and
Federal Government agencies that, for
their purposes, I am now DECEASED, with
all mail to be returned to the sender.

The reason for that will be the new
nine-digit ZIP Code planned by the U. S.

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А mans horne is his castle.

Furnish yours properly
"lanqueray Gin. A singular experience.

“

Postal Service. After many years and
many reminders from the P.O., I finally
have trained my generally flaccid mind
to both remember and use my present
five-digit ZIP number, and have man-
aged to record and use the ZIP numbers
of many others with a conscientiousness
that I thought was beyond my capability.
I've been pretty damn proud of myself.
Thave a hard enough time remembering
even my own phone number, because I
so rarely call myself. After a quarter of
а century, 1 still cannot recite my Social
Security number and have given up on
it. My driver’s license and my checking-
account numbers are out of the question;
Ihaven't even tried.

I just want everyone to know that I
did the best 1 could, and on the nine-
digit ZIP Code, I now choose to make

my stand. American Express, if you want
me, you know where to find me. Bell
Telephone, I'll pay you in cash when
you come with your wire cutters. Mom, I
hope you understand; be assured I'm
eating well, and, as you know, I never
wrote very often, anyway.

Michael Patton

Cleveland, Ohio

The House Government Operations

Subcommittee has already had а bunch
of irate folks testify to the cost, nuisance
and potential confusion of a nine-digit
ZIP Code, which may yet join the Susan
B. Anthony dollar in the junk yard of
Governmental good intentions.

IDENTITY CRISIS
I see where the prestigious Times of
London has dropped the title Ms. from

its stylebook—it's vulgar, denotes noth-
ing, and so on. Well and good, but it
didn't go far enough. It should drop
Mr., Miss and Mrs, as well. They're
just as pretentious and meaningless as
Ms. In print, most first names are easily
distinguishable as to sex and even if
they're not, in most circumstances, gen-
der isn't pertinent. "Kelly Murphy was
elected to the town council today."
Does it matter whether Kelly is male or
female? Does anyone care? If sex is im-
portant, it will certainly be disclosed
sooner or later without the necessity of
tacking on the ubiquitous prefix.

The millions of people who are con-
cerned with whether the toilet paper
should roll under or over are probably
just as concerned with how to address а
business letter. But what's wrong with

AN UNPRECEDENTED PREGNANCY

raised when

legal questions ar

a self-inseminator meets a nonanonymous sperm donor

Consciousness of the rights of fa-
thers has been raised recently, thanks
to the movie Kramer vs. Kramer. But
thanks to the New Jersey Juvenile
and Domestic Relations Court in a
case titled, cryptically enough, CM
vs. CC, that has been carried to a
much higher plane. According to the
judge, this was a case of first im-
pressions’ presenting a unique factual
situation with utterly no reported
legal precedent. In other words, no-
body had ever come up against a
problem quite like this before.

"Тһе facts as reported by the court
were ‘that CC, the lady, very much
wanted a child; however, she did not
want to have intercourse before mar-
riage and she did not want a child
badly enough to get married. CC testi-
fied that she had discussed with CM,
her boyfriend, the possibility of hav-
ing a child by artificial insemination
and asked his opinion as to whether or
not she should request one of his
Iriends to supply the sperm. Ever gal-
lant, СМ apparently offered his own
sperm and together CC and CM went
to a sperm bank. Unfortunately, the
doctor at the sperm bank refused to
help them. (It seems that all bankers
are more difficult to deal with these
days) But, as luck would have it,
CC learned enough from the sperm-
bank doctor to do it herself. By
“do it,” 1 mean, of course, that she
learned the procedure to artificially
inseminate herself. So for several
months thereafter, CC would go to
CM's apartment, where CM would
wait in one room while CC went to

By STEVEN J. J. WEISMAN

another room with her little jar of
fresh semen and a glass syringe. At
such a private moment as insemina-
tion, CC evidently preferred to be
alone. After repeated attempts, СС
finally became pregnant. Everything
was fine for about three months, but
then CM and CC broke up. After the
baby was born, CM attempted to visit,
at which time he was told that his
visits would not be welcome.

But fathers have rights. It has been
firmly established by the courts that
even the natural father of an illegiti
mate child is entitled to visitation
rights. The question in this case,
though, was whether or not CM was
the natural father of the child, when
the sperm used to conceive the baby
was, in the court's words, “transferred
to CC by other than natural conven-
tional means.”

In the 1968 California case of
People vs. Sorenson, it was held that
with artificial insemination, “The
anonymous donor of the sperm can-
not be considered the ‘natural father,’
as he is no more responsible for
the use made of his sperm than is the
donor of blood or a kidney.” The
California court's statement as to nat-
ural fathers showed a tremendous in-
sensitivity; it was a kick in the groin
to all the artificial inseminators, who
work so hard with few
of nonartificial inseminators. Іп any
event, the New Jersey court. rejected
the reasoning in the Sorenson case
because CM was not anonymous.

Finally resorting to common sense,
the New Jersey court said, “The

courts have consistently shown a pol-
icy favoring the requirement that a
child be provided with a father as
well as a mother.” The court then
recognized that if an unmarried wom-
an conceives a child by intercourse,
the father is no less a father for want
of a marriage certificate. So it only
seemed logical to the court that if an
unmarried woman conceives a child
from semen from a known man, that
man is likewise the father. Only by
donating his semen anonymously does
the sperm-bank depositor escape re-
sponsibility for the consequences.

The court went on to say that it
“takes no position as to the propriety
of the use of artificial insemination
between unmarried persons but must
be concerned with the best interests
of the child in granting custody or
visitation, and for such consideration
will not make any distinction between
a child conceived naturally or artifi-
Then, in a victory for arti-
nseminators everywhere, the
court held that it would not deny CM.
the privileges of fatherhood. His re-
quest for visitation was granted. As a
final note, the court concluded, “Inas-
much as the court has found CM to
be the natural father, the court must
consider support and maintenance of
the child and payment of any ex-
penses incurred in his birth." So CM
got his visitation rights, and also the
right to pay child support.

Steven Weisman is an Amherst, Mas-
sachusetts, attorney and writes the syn-
dicated column “You and the Law."

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RESORT AND COUNTRY CLUB
LAKE
GENEVA

Lake Genevo, Wisconsin 53147

Dear Kelly Murphy? Will the status of
somebody's genitalia influence the price
of the gross of gizmos you need to manu-
facture your plunkwunkets? Doubtful.
Mike Darby
San Francisco, California

PYRAMID PRINCIPLE

1 think maybe I've figured out the
social dynamics of special-interest pol-
itis and why minorities are no longer
getting their legislation passed. The
chain-letter effect, or pyramid principle,
is finally happening and we've reached
the point of diminishing political returns.

When the civil rights movement got
going, blacks were the only conspicuous
minority demanding their long-overdue
piece of the pie. Their successes inspired
other minorities to follow their example
until we now have so many militants
and activists in the game that the whole
system is unraveling—Indians, Latinos,
women, gays environmentalists and
even, for a time, “youth.” Not to men-
tion the current groups of antigays, anti-
blacks, anti-abortionists, antifeminists
and religious fundamentalists, all de-
manding this or that. Once too large a
percentage of the population enlists in
some special-interest or deprived minor-
ity group, there's no longer a prosperous
and powerful majority left to make
political and economic concessions

(Name withheld by request)
"Tucson, Arizona
О

And now, a special selection of letters
that have been flooding “The Playboy
Forum” since the election of our 40th
President. Those contemplating suicide
as well as those proclaiming the Second
Coming have been excluded in the in-
lerests of taste and space.

What worries me about President
Reagan is that he attributes his own un-
complicated purity of heart to his closest
advisors and associates. I don’t question
Reagan's good intentions toward nearly
everyone or his sincere alfection for
democracy, but I doubt theirs. Some who
have his ear are decidedly booster-Bab.
bitt types, gung-ho for growth and de-
velopment, ecology and clean air be
damned; some are old military, crusty
and mean-hearted, generous only with
the idea of spending young blood; and
some are not in the least opposed to in-
ternational meddling and buddying up
with unpopular despots as long as Amer-
ican business interests are served. With
friends like Jesse Helms, who needs
enemies?

Now that we can look back on it, it is
ironic that Jimmy Carter was popularly
perceived as a spineless wimp and
Reagan was somewhat feared as a tough
guy. It is really the other way around.
Carter was a stubborn, hard-nosed, T'Il-
do-itall-by-myself-thank-you loner; by

comparison, Reagan is soft, sociable and
trusting. He let others write his cam-
paign platorm for him because he was
sure his friends had America’s best in-
terests in mind. Potentially, Reagan is
the perfect patsy. Now that he is Presi-
dent, he had better be careful; we could
have another Harding on our hands.

Jim Collins

Dallas, Texas

It will be interesting to see how Presi-
dent Reagan pays off all the chits he
holds from the special-interest groups
who are now taking credit for his elec-
tion victory. He has gone into office
indebted to everyone from the born-
again Baptists to the rightto-life Cath-
olics and every right-wing nut group in
between. He has managed to appeal to
every crackpot and fanatic in the coun-
try, except the real crazies who consider
him too sensible. My hope is that such a
panorama of political support will per-
mit him to disappoint the more danger-
ous of his supporters. I don’t think the
man is totally stupid. I suspect—hope—
that he is merely professional enough
and also cynical enough and intelligent
enough to understand voter emotional-
ism and to perform as well as other
Presidents who lucked into that high
office for all kinds of wrong reasons and
yet did OK.

John Garcia
Tndianapolis, Indiana

For a President who was supposed to
divide the country, Reagan seems, in
fact, to be bringing it together. Even his
victory back in November was more of a
mandate than anyone predicted. It was
the biggest popular-vote victory in a long
time: Carter won in 1976 by a real
squeaker; so did Nixon over Humphrey;
Nixon's big margin over McGovern
doesn't count, because no one except the
Watergate gang took McGovern serious-
ly. Statistically speaking, Reagan appears
to be a unifying force: More Americans
agree on more issues than they have in а
long, long time. Of course, unification
per se isn't necessarily a good thing, but
I'll be damned if I сап see the people
of this country turning as mean and
hateful and self-destructive as Reagan's
knee-jerk detractors would have us be-
lieve his Administration signals.

Reagan and Bush do not strike me
strutting, bullnecked fascists, nor do they
appear to be heartless disciples of un-
regulated capitalism. And they do not
appear to be uncompromising, suicidal
fool. Isn't it already clear President
Reagan and Vice-President Bush are go-
ing to do their jobs just as evenhandedly
as any of their predecessors? Liberals
have been in a doomsday dither since
the election, but that's because their
camp indudes so many hysterics and
babbling fearmongers. You go to sleep

She's worried about your budget. About your expenses.

She's thinking about the price tag too much. And that's why it should be you who thinks
about the true quality and value of that diamond. Since you are the one who makes the
final financial decision, you should know why "thinking big" is important: ЕЗ

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This really makes good diamond sense, because carat 1/3carat 1/2 carar
larger diamonds are becoming rarer every day. Consequently, they are more valuable.

So if you give her a larger diamond, years from now you'll be glad you did.

Own the diamond with the best character traits.

Your jeweler judges the value of a diamond according to what he calls the Four
C's: carat weight, color, cut, and clarity.

Each diamond combines these 4 characteristics in a unique way. One will be
larger. One will appear icy white. Yet another has a warmer tone. For no two diamonds are
born alike. Each one has a distinct personality. With your jeweler's help, you will learn to
weigh each characteristic against the other and then choose the one that comes closest to
your own sense of perfection.

It's not that difficult. In fact, if you take it slow and don't think “small,” you'll
feel secure that you have given her the one gift that can stand up to the toughest test of
all. The test of time.

If you have more questions, ask your jeweler. And send for the booklet “Everything You'd Love to Know... About Diamonds.”
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with apes, you wake up with apes.
Once again, the democratic process
has served us well and served up, as
usual, a mirror image of the majority of
us who vore. That's right; Reagan and
Bush really do represent из. And we
haven't done so badly picking our leaders.
Robert Courville
Madison, Wisconsin

Jimmy Carter may have had lust hid-
den away in his heart, as he once said in
a Playboy Interview, but he sure never
demonstrated much passion while he was
in the White House. "That boy was down-
right dreary. Hooray for Ronnie the
incher President and his right purty
Miss Nancy. Shoot, they look good in
the saddle.

Bobby Wells
Denver, Colorado

As a woman who feared a Reagan
Presidency and voted against him, rather
than for Carter, J have to admit I'm be-
ginning to like what I see. It is refresh-
ing to have a couple of smiling men in
the White House; Reagan and Bush's
upbeat style is downright contagious,
and welcome relief after four years of
cool, frequently gloomy paternalism. I've
even caught myself believing things wil
get better in this country, not worse.
Imagine that. And Bush is a particularly
attractive, elegant, charming surprise; he
comes on with a lot of appeal; now cute,
now wise, now sexy!

(Name withheld by request)
Moline, Illinois

o need now to debate reviving the
aft or even draft registration. In
the eyes of the world, particularly its
more hostile and militaristic elements,
putting Ronald Reagan at the controls
should be the equivalent of several car
riers, a fleet of nuclear subs and a dozen
combat-ready Marine divisions in terms
of military deterrence. Carter always ap-
peared dangerously reasonable, rational
and indecisive—the wimpy kid you easily
could pick on. Maybe now our enemies
will think twice with 2 Reagan pointed
at their heads.
(Name withheld by request)
Falfurrias, Texas

The so-called Moral Majority and the
other Christian crackpots surely сап
take much credit for putting the final,
fatal, merciful bullet in the head of
political liberalism, which has been dead
on its feet for years now, anyway. That
much is probably good. Perhaps out of
the ashes of such а defeat can arise a
new political philosophy of social prog-
ress once President Reagan proves, to
the disillusionment of his present wor-
shipers, not to be Teddy Roosevelt after
all. Or when voters discover that the
clock cannot be turned back to the days

when a Teddy could successfully lead
this country.

What concerns me is that the new re-
ligious right will receive too much credit
and that the power and numbers of these
moralistic fascists will be overestimated,
the same way the country once over-
reacted to a handful of young radicals
who knew how to manipulate the media
and create a totally false impression that
the country was on the brink of a leftist,
youth-led revolution. In the days of lim-
ited communication, when people read
newspapers that were not hooked into
wire services and everything happened
much more slowly, any kind of “move-
ment” had to have some basis in fact

“Christian crackpots surely
can take much credit for
putting the final, fatal,

merciful bullet in the head
of political liberalism.”

before very many citizens сусп would
hear of it.

Nowadays our columnists, commenta-
alysts in the magazines, the
y press and especially on the tube
focus on every political belch and fart
like a scientist discovering a new Pulitzer
Prize-winning bug. The truth may well
be that our moralistic majority is still
the same handful of religious fanatics
who used to inflame their backwoods
flocks in revival tents but who now have
discovered computerized mailing lists,
sophisticated fund-raising techniques and
all the tricks of the marketing trade—
and the mass media, which compete to
spot, analyze, report and exaggerate
new trends far out of proportion to their
significance.

What we have to deal with, 1 fear, is
that the very obvious popular desire to
put Jimmy Carter out of office and try
a new devil with a different style will be
misconstrued by our surviving politicians
as a mandate to repeal the Bill of Rights,
name God to a Cabinet position and
otherwise plunge the country back into
the Dark Ages of insulated, parochial
and myopic stupidity, domestically and
internationally.

Manfred Grotte
Atlanta, Georgia

‘Those who are so loudly bemoaning
the new regime and the prospect of po-
litical power being wielded by religious
fascists must remember that the Federal
bureaucracy will protect us from any
amatic changes, good or bad. And once
ident Reagan proves as ineffectual as

his predecessor in correcting national
ills, he, too, will be turned upon by his
“moral majority” and turned out of
office.

My analysis is that Ronald Reagan as
President is merely an insidious plot by
Teddy Kennedy to win the Democratic
ion in 1984 on a platform of “I
told you so.”

Pat Schroeder
New York, New York

What a relief! Maybe now we can get
back the Panama Canal. Without the
control of Panama, we lose our source
of Panama hats, just as when our posi-
tion on Castro communism in Cuba cost
us Havana cigars but otherwise accom-
plished nothing.

(Name withheld by request)
Milwaukee, Wisconsin

Panama hats come from Ecuador, actu-
ally. And those fine Havanas only seemed
better when they became contraband.

My God, I think I see a new TV series
in the making: We're all lost somewhere
in the present. The commander of our
badly rusting spaceship is none other
than Captain Ronnie Ray-Gun, a lik-
able, spry chap, perennially tan—maybe
even centennially tan—who steers to the
right, Unlike other s-f fantasies, the all-
female crew is not scantily clad, nor
would you want them to be. Octogenar-
ians, every one of them. They call them-
selves the Moral Majorettes. They tote
supercharged Bible phascr guns, which
they unhesitatingly use to blast the high
heels and garter belts off wicked little
girls and a few even more wicked little
boys. And each week, Captain Ray-Gun
takes his creaking ship and crew further
and further back into time, searching
always for a distant laissezfaire past, a
time gone by, when gasoline, big cars
and Geritol were in plentiful supply.
The name of this new show: 4 Counter-
clockwise Lemon. No jiggling. Occasion-
al justified violence. And after four years,
Jow, low ratings.

(Name withheld by request)
Palo Alto, California

Thank God (who else?) for Reagan's
sweeping victory at the polls and the
fresh winds of change that are blowing
across the land. Now, at last, I can afford
to become a liberal again without the
of being politically fashionable.

Bob Lehrman
Santa Monica, California

“The Playboy Forum” offers the
opportunity for an extended dialog
between readers and editors of this
publication on contemporary issues. Ad-
dress all correspondence to The Playboy
Forum, Playboy Building, 919 North
Michigan Avenue, Chicago, Illinois 60611.

: PEREZ»

-You can tell from the outside
which Scotch they serve on the inside.

Johnnie Walker
Black Label Scotch
YEARS £12) OLD

PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: JAMES GARNER

a candid conversation with the easygoing star about “maverick,” “rockford,”
funny commercials, his bizarre childhood and corruption in hollywood

It has been almost a quarter of a cen-
tury since James Garner fist captured
America's fancy as television’s Bret Mav-
erick, the most charming scamp and
champion of justice (in his own way)
ever to saddle a horse and ride out into
the sunset. In the years since then,
Garner, 6'3" tall and ruggedly hand-
some, has retained his franchise as the
only American actor who looks and
moves like a classic leading man but who
invariably imbues his roles with a touch
of classic schlemiel. "The Rockford
Files,” Garner's most recent TV series,
showcased iis Emmy award-winning star
as a pusillanimous private eye who flout-
ed every mystery cliché extant. TV detec-
tives from Richard Diamond to Barnaby
Jones employed dishy (or at least per-
sonable) secretaries; Rockford used an
answering machine. Instead of a suitably
shabby office à la Harry-O or the swank
digs favored by a Peter Gunn, Rockford
lived in a tacky trailer. And while hawh-
shaws like Banacek, Mannix and Cannon
were well paid for their exploits, Rock-
ford was usually stiffed by his clients. It
was a bright, funny show thal grew more
popular each year as the rest of TV
prime time grew more devoted to cheap

“Did Universal do me out of a couple of
million dollars? I think it's a lot more
than а couple of million! . . . I'll be ten
years in the courts, but that’s all right.
Тт not going anywhere.”

sitcoms and network freak shows such as
“Real People” and “That's Incredible.”

A far more versatile performer than
his fans sometimes realize, Garner has
made it as big in films as he has on TV.
In the course of taking part in 32 mov-
ies—his latest is “The Fan,” with Lauren
Bacall—the veteran actor has quietly
rolled up an impressive list of charac-
terizations. Garner has adroitly done
romantic comedies (“Тһе Thrill of It
AIP’ and “Move Over, Darling”) cow-
boy shoot"em-ups (“Duel at Diablo” and
“Hour of the Gun”), contemporary ac-
tion adventures (“Grand Prix” апа
“They Only Kill Their Masters”) and psy-
chological dramas (“36 Hours” and “Mis-
ter Buddwing"). His favorite film genre,
however, remains comedy laced with
salire. “I suppose Гое played a fairly
decent range of characters,” he recently
noted, “but given three scripts that are
about equal, ТЇЇ always go with the hu-
mor. It’s what I like to do.”

James Garner has always done what he
likes to do. Born in Norman, Oklahoma,
on April 7, 1928, he was the youngest of
Mildred and Weldon Bumgarner's three
sons. His eldest brother, Charles, wos a
fine student who became a schoolteacher,

“ ‘Maverick’ was the first pinprick in the
balloon of TV Westerns. The same thing
was true of ‘Rockford’ and detective
series. . . . I come in and scrape "ст
up. Рт a killer of genres.”

and Jack, two years James's senior,
pitched in the Pittsburgh Pirates farm
system and later became a golf pro.
Their baby brother, however, was always
ап ace goof-off. In high school, Garner
excelled at football, basketball, track
and truancy. While in high school (or at
least in the vicinity thereof), he earned
а reputation for picking up whatever
dares his friends laid down. “My buddies
used to bet me I couldn't steal some-
thing, and Га do it just to show "em I
could,” he recently recalled. “My best
was taking one of those fourfoot-high
peanut machines from Woolwosth's. I
just picked it up and walked out with
aplomb, as if I was supposed to. After
that, my friend Betty Jane Smith gave
me the nickname Slick.”

Slick Bumgarner became James Garner
in 1954, when he wound up in Holly-
wood. Three years later, he was the
nation’s biggest TV star, routing both
Ed Sullivan and Steve Allen on Sunday
nights in “Maverick.” It was the start of
an enduring career that has yet to show
a sign of slowing up.

To interview the 52-year-old actor,
PLAYBOY sent free-lancer Lawrence Linder-
man to meet with Garner in Lethbridge,

PHOTOGRAPHY BY LARRY L. LOGAN

“І don't come out there with a lollipop
and I don't say ‘Take dat to da bank
and I'm not flashy. 1 do humor; I don’t
do comedy. Humor is much more subtle
than comedy.”

PLAYBOY

Alberta, where Garner was filming а
new movie. Linderman reports:

“Lethbridge is а small, hospitable
Western town set just inside Canada
about 200 miles north of Great Falls,
Montana. When I flew in from San
Francisco via Calgary, the area was ex-
periencing its first snowstorm of the
season, and it was a beauty. Garner had
been in town for a month, acting in
‘Pure Escape; a comedy written and di-
rected by his friend Stuart Margolin
(Angel in ‘The Rockford Files’), and co-
starring Billy Dee Williams. The week 1
arrived, Garner and the rest of the cast
were working from five rm. to five A-M.
each day, and my first evening there, I
drove 40 miles to а location shoot in an
unheated barn. It was not a glamorous
setting. One side of the barn was open,
and there was a lot of chatter on the set,
mostly from my teeth. When we were in-
troduced, Garner kidded me about show-
ing up without winter clothing, but, as
I told him, weather reports for the area
had shown temperatures holding steady
around 64 degrees, not six below freezing.

“Garner is as amiable offscreen as һе
is on, and between takes, he generously
took the time to explain to a shivering
journalist exactly what was going, on.
Garner had grown a full beard for his
role as a former rodeo rider who, with
Williams, steals a prize bull to justifiably
settle a personal score. I hung in for
three hours, watching Garner do various
scenes іп а stall with a 2100-pound bull,
and also checking out the terrific rap-
port among Gamer, Margolin and the
crew of about two dozen mostly young
Canadians. Unfortunately, ‘Pure Escape’
fell apart—its financing evaporated—the
day after Garner and I completed the
interview.

“In any case, my first night in Canada
ended with a mild’ case of frostbite and
two Japanese cassette recorders rendered
hors de combat by the cold. The next
afternoon, armed with a new Sony, I
visited Gamer in his room at the Leth-
bridge Lodge Hotel. Garner genuinely
dislikes doing interviews—his quota is
one a year—but in spite of that, I found
him to be a remarkably candid and
friendly cuss and we quickly got down
to cases. A lot of people (including my-
self) didn’t really know why Garner had
quit ‘The Rockford Files; and that pro-
vided an opener for our conversation.”

PLAYBOY: Universal Studios is suing you
for leaving The Rockford Files in the
middle of its sixth season. Why did you
quit?

GARNER: I just couldn't work anymore. I
was a physical mess, mostly because of
things that had built up over the years.
T'm talking about injury on top of injury
on top of injury, which was the result of
working when I shouldn't have worked.

Га done 11 of the series’ final 22 shows,
but pain has a way of building up till it's
unbearable, and I couldn't work with it
anymore. And when the ulcers came
along, well, 1 knew my mind was going,
too.

PLAYBOY: Is doing a TV series really that
much ofa grind?

GARNER: I don’t think people have апу
idea how physically killing it is on a
human being to be on the screen every
week іп a one-hour action series. You can
start with a little thing like the knees.
David Janssen was always in the hospital
with bad knees, and the same was true of
James Arness and even David Soul, and
‘Starsky and Hutch was on the air for only
two seasons. We all know what it's like. 1
know that more than once I talked to
David Janssen along this line and he'd
say, "I don't know if I'm going to make
it.” I think you could pretty well attribute
David's death to overstrain and overwork,
David wasn't doing a series when he died,
but I'm talking about a cumulative effect.
When you do it for too many years, it'll
get you. We have doubles, but you can
use them only on long shots. So you've got

——M
“Tve had three knee
operations, broke a bone
in my spine, broke my
right kneecap twice.

I've also broken

ribs and knuckles.”
———

to flop yourself on the ground here, and
guys punch you and you қа a little
beat up there, and eventually you wind
up comparing broken bones and torn
muscles.

PLAYBOY: What injuries did you sustam
jn the course of making Maverick, Nichols
and The Rockford Files?

GARNER: Well, gosh, 1 wouldn't know
where to start. I've had three knee opera-
tions, broke a bone in my spine, and I
also broke my right kneecap twice in the
same place, but that didn't happen while
I was working. 1 did that at home; I can't.
walk up and down stairs very well because
of the knees, so twice I slipped on the
stairs. I've also broken ribs and knuckles,
1 have disintegrated disks in my back and
my neck and I've had all kinds of dis-
locations, sprains and torn ligaments and
tendons. The worst is the knees, though.
I've had five incisions іп my right knee—
the left one’s been operated on, too—and
the last time, they went in with a hammer
and chisel to see if they could get it to
bend more than 100 degrees. I'm running
a race with Dick Butkus to see who can

have more knee operations. In а way, it's
nd of funny, because we all get in touch
with one another if we find out anything
new. Joe Namath used to call and say,
“Hey, Jim, I found a great doctor!”
Janssen and other actors would call when
опе of them discovered a new orthopedic
guy who could help out. The last time I
was in the hospital, Burt Lancaster was in
the next room. Burt couldn't run any-
more, so he was having a prosthetic knee
put in. He told me, "It works fine, and
at least there's по pain.” You know, you
can fix sinuses and you can fix ulcers, but
you can't fix legs when they're ропе. And
we're not talking about soreness or just
being uncomfortable. It's pain!

In my last year on The Rockford Files,
I'd get up to walk and Га hobble for the
first ten steps. Until I could get some cir-
culation in my legs and feet, it was like
walking on hot coals. In fact, I was in
such bad shape at the end of the shows
fifth year that I asked Freddy Silverman
not to pick up Rockford for a sixth sea-
son. My contract with Universal was for
six years, but NBC's contract with Uni-
versal was for five, and if the series wasn't.
picked up by NBC or another network, I
could use the time to rest. But Silverman
decided to go with Rockford for another
year, so 1 had to do the best I could,
PLAYBOY: Were you annoyed with Silver-
man for not letting you off the hock?
GARNER: No, I wasn't perturbed at all,
because I knew the situation he was in:
He had to fill the hour. Hell, he had a
winner in Rockford, so it was easy to
understand. I thought that somehow I'd
be able to struggle through another year;
after all, Га already gone through five of
"ет as Jim Rockford. But 1 didn't make it.
PLAYBOY: Did anyone at NBC or Uni-
versal accuse you of being a hypochon-
driac when you dropped out of The
Rockford Files?

GARNER: Not that I know of; but if some-
one had, I probably would have rapped
him in the mouth. 1 really think they
should have been more aware of what
kind of shape I was in. because all they
had to do was call up their first-aid de
partment to find out how many pain
pills and muscle relaxants they had to
give me to keep me on my feet. I was
taking Percodan, codcinc, Soma, Robax-
in—anything that would keep me work-
ing. I really felt like a plow horse who'd
pulled the goddamn plow too long; but
1 made up my mind to stick it out. And
then one day I was on the stage and
I had such pains in my stomach that 1
didn’t really know what the trouble was.
I just doubled up in pain and I was bleed-
ing rectally; I couldn't breathe because
of my sinuses—it was not a wonderful
moment. 1 said, "Whoa, get mc a doctor,"
so the studio doctor came out and dis-
covered that my ulcers were back with a

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NOTHING EVEN COMES CLOSE

vengeance. I think we finished filming
that show and then I went down to the
Scripps Clinic in La Jolla, which is
nd of like Ше West Coasts Mayo
Clinic. 1 spent three days there, and they
told me I was run-down. Т needed an
immediate rest—and I took one.

PLAYBOY: If what you say is true, why do
Universal executives daim you left the
series over a money dispute?

GARNER: Well, about four months before
I got sick, somebody at Universal made
a terrible mistake and sent me a cost-
accounting sheet that showed that after
five years on the air, The Rockford Files
was $9,500,000 in debt.

PLAYBOY: Exactly what did that mean?
GARNER: It meant that Universal's got the
greatest accountant you've ever heard of.
It also meant that, according to Universal,
The Rockford. Files was a terrible failure
as far as amy profits were concerned, After
the first year, I'd never seen an account-
ing of the show, and I think the guy who
sent it over after the fifth year is prob-
ably digging ditches somewhere in Peru,
because I’m sure Universal fired him for
sending it to me. It’s pretty disheartening:
to know that you're doing everything you
can to bring a show in on schedule, and
then find out it’s all been а waste of
time. Anyway, I think Universal felt that
after I saw the cost accounting, I said,
uck ‘em, I quit." But that’s their first
reaction to everyth An actor's not
sick, he's mal B "Cause he wants
something. As I said, I saw that profit-
and-loss sheet months before I got ill, апа
when I gave my deposition to their Jaw-
yers, I got the feeling they'd been trying
to tell Universal that they ain't got much
of a case. I think it’s а corporate cgo
lawsuit.

PLAYBOY: Why would
about Rockford's being $!
debt? Were you in for a sh
profits?

GARNER: Sure, I was. Cherokee Productions,
my company, produced The Rockford
Files, and my shar
was 88 percent. Yo
that goes six years and earns $40,000,000
in rentals would be pretty profitable,
wouldn’t you? I did, especially since we
were no more than a total of seven days
over on our shooting schedule for all six
years—and nobody had ever done that
before. I also rented my company's
and trucks and lights to the show fc lot
less money than Univ would have
charged in order to keep the show's costs
down, to always keep it within our
budget. 1 worked and scrimped and saved
and pushed and cajoled and did every-
thing I knew to make the show successful,
because 1 figured, boy, if you can't make
а bundle in six у a series—especial-
ly at the rate I was deteriorating physi-
cally—then what was the point? I mean,

уоп have been upset
00,000 in
re of the

T can go out and work and make an awful
lot of money doing pictures or whatever,
but I thought that Rockford would make
me financially independent of the b
ness. You can question anybody you want
on this, and you'll hear the same thing:
There never was a better TV crew or
production company than we had on The
Rockford Files, And then you find out it’s
all worthless, because they're going to
bookkeep you to death. Thatll punch a
hole in your balloon, sport, ГШ tell you
that.

PLAYBOY: It was recently alleged that Rob-
ert Wagner and his wife. alie Wood,
who own half of Charlie's Angels, had.
been cheated out of their profits through
unethical accounting mancuvers. Is that
kind of thing widespread in television?
GARNER: It's been happening to an awful
lot of people for an awful lot of years, In
fact, up until just a couple of years ago—
I haven't checked on this lately—Ray-
mond Burr and Jack Webb were about
the only two people who ever made a
profit on a television series. 1
money on a series I produced. In 1971,

зо made

“Somebody at the studio
made а terrible mistake
and sent me a cost-
accounting sheet that
showed ‘Rockford’ was
$9,500,000 in debt."

we made Nichols, and even though the
show ran for only 26 episodes and has
never been rerun to speak of, it's in prof-
its—and that had never been done before.
PLAYBOY: Are you planning to contest
Universtl Studios on its Rockford figures?
GARNER: I certainly am. When I first saw
that five-year report, I laughed and said,
“Oh, well, my lawyers ahd accountants
will take care of that.” But the more I
got into it, the more I found out just
what kind of things Universal did on the
show. Let me start with a small example:
Lets say you're the set decorator, right?
You buy something for our show that costs
$100. Well, instead of the actual cost,
the studio t by about
3.3, so that it now costs the show $330.
Now, I can't be absolutely sure of that
figure, but I'm not far off. The idea is for
the set department to make a profit on
what they buy. OK, we shoot the hour
and now it's time to strike the set; the set
department now adds another third of
the stepped-up cost for tearing down the
set, so the price is now up to about $450.
Оп top of that, they have what they call

their generic account. І don't know what
it means and neither docs anybody else,
but they now add on another third of the
inflated price, so from $450, it goes to
5600, and to top it off, they add another
20 percent for overhead, so that $100
item has now cost the series about. $725.
They'll tell me I'm crazy when they read
this, but Ict ‘em, I'd like to see somebody
take a look at that generic account of
theirs.

PLAYBOY: Do you think Universal may
have done you out of a couple of million
dollars in profits?

GARNER: A couple of million? I think it's
a lot more Шап a couple of million!
"There's no doubt in my mind whatsoever
about that.

AYBOY: What do you plan to do about it?
GARNER: Oh, well have to sue, because
they're not going to make из an offer. We
will try to go over their books and then
we will sue them and they will say, "Well,
let's not do it that way, let's see if we
can зеше it amicably.” They'll offer to
give me about ten cents on the dollar: I
won't take it. It'll be like trying to open
the books of any major company. ГИ be
ten years in the courts trying to get a
good look their books, but that's
right, too. I'm not going anywhere.
PLAYBOY: Aside from the production has-
sles, did you enjoy plaving
GARNER: Absolutely. Steve С;
the character

nd wrote the first script
and Roy Huggins brought it to me.

hey'd been working on Toma, and
Rockford was a character in an episode of
that show. I don’t think Steve wrote
Rockford with me in mind, though he
might have, because the first time I read
racier was there. I an, it was
just obvious to me. The character devel-
oped as we went along, but it was all
basically there in the first episode.
ics evolved, what kinds
of things did you bring to the character?
GARNER: Me? I t bring anything to
it. Really, I just showed up and said the
words. I never changed dialog or did
things like that. And I never had the
writers screaming at me for doing some-
thing the wrong way, because T evidently
understood what they were trying to do.
Tt was the same thing I wanted to do.
PLAYBOY: Which was?
GARNER: Create a humorous character.
Cleveland Amory once reviewed Rockford
and said, "Garner's funny, but he’s slow
funny." I think that's right. I don’t come
out there with a lollipop and 1 don't say
“dem d "dose" and “take dat to da
bank,” and I'm not flashy. I do humor; I
don't do comedy. And humor is much
more subtle than comedy, and it takes а
longer time to understand the characters.
I'm much more interested in character
than flash, because flash hits quick and
leaves quick. But characters just go on

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and on, and build and build. Rockford,
if you remember, wasn't that big a hit
during its first or second year; but it got
better the third and the fourth and fifth —
and the series was stronger when I left it
than at any other time

PLAYBOY: Why do you think Rochford was
so successful?

GARNER: I think the writing was terrific.
Cannell and Juanita Bartlett gave us
brilliant scripts, and Meta Rosenberg nı
be the best producer in television. As far
as my part in it, I just feel that if some-
thing works for me, it's gonna work for
everyone, because I'm pretty average. 1
mean, I'm not any smarter than
else, I'm realty the norm; I'm not looking
to impress New York, I'm looking to im-
press Delight, Arkansas. Гуе gotten to the
point where I can read a script and think,
Yeah, that's good, or, No, 1 don't think
it'll really sell. And I've really gotten very
comfortable with humor. 1 felt that was
what Rockford really had going for itself,
and that was also the source of our big:
gest argument with Universal. After our
first season, they wanted us to take the
humor out of the series,
PLAYBOY: Why did they want to do that
GARNER: Because they were going to put
us up against Hawaii Five-O, so they
wanted Jim Rockford to be a straight
detective. I told ‘em. “If you don't. iike
the series, fine, cancel it, but don't come
down here and tell us how to make it.”
Studio usually worried
about their jobs, which often leaves them
situation of not really knowing what
to do. But I wasn't worried about my job,
and 1 knew what I was doing. I've been
making pictures for 25 years, and if you
don’t want to buy what 1 do, that's ОК.
But I don’t want people coming in and
trying to tell me what to do when they
Пу know. I mean, studio execu-
tive have been to business school and
law school, but as far as film goes, they
have no creative talent whatsoever, And
so we stuck with the humor, and by the
Чї season, they were alter
more. A lot of that really had to do with
Stuart. Margolin, who played the part of
Angel. We snuck him into the pilot of
Rockford as a kind of snitch; Angel's
brother-in-law owned a small newspaper,
so any time Rockford needed information,
he had a source to go to. Well, we started
using Angel more often than the network
anticipated
with him. By the third year, they couldn't
get enough of Angel. Stu's really a buddy,
and he's not only а fine actor. he's also
a talented director and singer

PLAYBOY: How did you happen to connect
with him?

GARNER: Oh, I met Stu at the end of the
Sixties, when 1 was getting ready to do
Nichols. Right about then, Ud gotten
really weary of doing movies. I'd been
going back and forth to Europe and Mex-

nybody

executives аге

don't re

us to do

id they told us not to bother

ico three or four times a year. and I was
tired of traveling, and tired of seeing my
family only in hotel rooms, so Т decided
not to work for a year. I lasted about
three months, and then I started going
buggy. I told my agent, "Let's take a look
at а couple of scripts: after
months, L told him, "Just get me
damn script: I've got to go to work.” It
went on for over a year like that, and 1
ended up doing a terrible Italian picture
titled 4 Man Called Sledge for Dino Di
Laurentiis. 1 almost didn't care what it
turned out like, because I'm not geared
to not working. The problem was, I just
didn't see any scripts T liked. In. most of
‘em, you had to cuss a lot or take off your
clothes, and that’s particularly bad for
me, because if I take off my clothes, well,
my body is so covered with 5сагв—Г a
member of the 200-stitch club—that it
would turn into a horror picture, and 1
don't do horror picturcs.

Anyway, I felt worthless and guilty, and
I wanted to go back to work, but I didn't
want to work outside Los Angeles, so I
decided to do another television series.
"Thats when Nichols came along, and it
about a tumroFthe-century. sheriff
Maverick and Rockford were pretty much
alike as characters, but Nichols was a dif-
ferent kind of bird. The series drew
pretty fine line between making social
nts and being entertaining. We'd
mike sly little predictions and comments
about, oh, what might happen with the
automobile, the changing of the old West
treatment Indians received, But
we made certain that Nichols was still
funny, To make it work, the sheriff T
played needed a deputy who was а kind
of lovable, shilty-eyed, no-good rat. So we
began doing
Meta came to me and said she'd found
someone Га really like. Well, it was Stu
Margolin, and I looked at some film of
him on Love, American Style. Stu used to
do all those little vignettes between the
show's longer pieces. and 1 remember
watching him in this quick tike in a jail
cell. Some guy slammed the cell door in

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Stu's face and he made me laugh. I
thought the guy was great, because I know

it's difficult to make me laugh by watch-
ing a guy's reaction to a door slammed
in his face. I told. Met. Let's get him.
and after I started working with him. I
found out how brilliant Margolin is. 50
we put him in Nichols and iter on used
him in the pilot of Rockford,

PLAYBOY: Nichols ran for only one year.
Why didn’t it succeed?

GARNER: For one thing, I really think the
show was five or ten years ahead of ity
time. For another, it received treatment
from the sponsor and from the network
that almost guaranteed its demise before
it ever got on the air. Chevrolet spon
sored the series, and 1 remember going
to Detroit and showing it to them, and

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they were disappointed because it wasn't
Maverick, and they thought they were
going to get Maverick. Frankly, Nichols
above their heads and above their
ence. They just didn't understand
d so they walked away feeling, Oh,
„ we've got a clunker. They didn't
wait to see whether or not it would be a
clunker on the air, which it was not. The
show got good ratings. We were doing
anywhere from 33 to 38 in th iclsens.
and there are a lot of shows with 29s a
30s that are still on TV. I think Nichols
would have built up its audience and
become stronger and stronger the same
way Rockford did, if NBC had left
ther year, but they really didn't
give it a chance. Out of 26 shows, eight
preempted—mostly for poli

moved us opposite Marcus Welby,
in hopes that we'd take enough audience
away to knock old Marcus right out of
the top ten. Well, any time one third of
your shows are pre-empted and then the
time slot is switched, people aren't gonn
know when you're on. I was terribly dis-
appointed, because I still think Nichols
is the best of the three TV series I've
done.

PLAYBOY: You recently agreed to produce
and star in a we ke of Maverick,
begi on NBC next fall. H ng told
us about the pitfalls of doing a TV series,
why would you want to make another
one?

GARNER: Well, I had a commitment with
Warner Bros. and NBC for another series
after Rockford, and I have a pretty good
relationship with Warners. I made Nichols
for them and I have some confidence in
them, I really don't anticipate running
into any of the same problems with War-

iat I had with Universal.

are dead and lawyers have been run into
the ground and, besides, neither of those
two profe blc at thc
moment. And I don't deal in futuristic
things, Meanwhile, I'd thought about
doing Maverick again ever since the T

E it a couple of years ago

updated from the 1860s to the 1880s. If I
couldn't find a new format. | said Га
il Maverick, and the minute I
voiced that, everybody seemed to say
hooray, wonderful, and we soon couldn't
get our minds on anything but Maveric
So they liked the idea, and ГИ go give it
а shot.

PLAYBOY: Aren't you worried that you
won't be up to the physical demands of
another weekly TV series?

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PLAYBOY

GARNER: No, because I'm a lot healthier
now than I was at the end of Rockford.
I've rested since then, and Fm not plan-
ning to be on the screen every minute,
the way I was in Rockford. We're going
to have other characters in Maverick, be-
cause I'm just not physically able to be
on the saeen one hour every week.
Rockford really fixed that for me. I can't
remember ever being in such bad shape
as when I left that м
PLAYBOY: Do you think you've completely
recuperated?

GARNER: Oh. I got better almost as soon
as E stopped work. I left the se

cember of '79, and а month later, I was
feeling really fine. As a matter of fact, I
remember going over to see Stu Margolin
one afternoon and telling Pat O'Bannon,
Stu's girlfriend, that the last couple of
days had been the first time I'd been rel
tively free of pain. On the drive back to
my place, I was really looking forward to
watching a Laker basketball game on
TV—and then that son of a bitch jumped

me in Coldwater Canyon.
PLAYBOY: If you're referring to the inci-
dent in January 1980 in which you were

severely beaten up, would you mind tell-
ing us what happened?

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GARNER: Well, it was something I really
didn't need. I was driving home at about
six o'clock, in the heart of evening
rush-hour traffic, and in my rearview imir-
ror, I saw ап El Camino passing cars on
the right. Traffic was going six or eight
miles an hour and just where Coldwater
Canyon narrows, I saw this car come up
slightly behind me on the right side, and
I thought. What the hell is this? So I kind
of pulled to the center and sped up a
little bit to let the guy get in behind me,
but instead of doing that. he tried to
piss me and he hit my car, a Trans Am,
on the right rear fender. It didn't feel
like much of a collision, but I decided
to stop and take a look. If there was any
damage. 1 thought we'd exchange licenses
nd the names of our insurance compa-
nies. I put my right-turn signal оп and
started to drive off the road—and the El
Camino tried to pass me on the left. so I
pulled into the middle of the street and
stopped. I turned off the ignition, put on
the emergency brake and was about to
open the door when I suddenly heard.
“You motherfucker!” And then, wham!, Y
got belted. I wasn't exactly expecting
that.
PLAYBOY: Your window was open?
GARNER: Yeah. I had the window down,
and by the third time this character hit
me, Га reached up and grabbed him by
the throat. And while he's pumping away,
this woman—who turns out to be his si
ter—opens the passenger door of my car
and grabs my keys and says, “C'mon,
Aubrey. Гус got the keys, let's go." E
dently. Aubrey—his name is Aubrey Wil-
liams, Jr.—was going to pop me a couple
of times, leave me bleeding at the wheel.
throw away my keys and then take off
It didn't work out th
PLAYBOY: Why not?
GARNER: Because I didn't let go of that
sucker. After he'd hit me about nine
times, I had him pulled up so close to
the car that his face was on top of the
roof; but even though he couldn't see
where he was punching. he was doing
some damage. | was holding him with
both hands and he had hold of me with
s left and was punching with his right.
his necklace broke and so did
mine, and he pulled himself away. 1 was
pretty busted up at that point, but 1
wanted some of his butt. Га had about all
I wanted in the face, so 1 leaned back and
got my feet out the window and kicked
him hard enough in the chest to push him
back. I finally got out of the car and as I
stood up and turned to look for him, boy,
I caught one flush in the mouth. I threw
a punch at him and missed, and then took
him clear across the street and we tripped
over a curb and I landed оп top of him
Afterward, I couldn't remember how he'd
been able to get up so quick, but at the
trial, he said he grabbed me by the co-
jones, and that’s probably the only thing

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PLAYBOY

he didn't lie about in court. Anyway, һе
got up. and the next thing I know, I'm
getting kicked in the head. I was lying
face down and he kicked me three or
four times in the head, and then he
kicked his way down the left side of my
body. 1 figured Fd had enough, so I
yelled, “Somebody get this son of a
bitch off me!”

PLAYBOY: Were there a lot of people
around?

GARNER: Sure there but nobody
wanted any part of him. The guy had
gone completely berserk; he had a man
down who hadn't hit him and he wis
trying to kill him, so, in a way. I don't
blame anybody for not jumping in, but I
don't think Га ever just stand by and
watch. Anyway, the guy tried to kick me
in the balls, but he got my tailbone in-
stead, and fractured it. After that, he
kicked his way up the right side of my
body, and as 1 could feel him getting nea
my head again, I thought, I he kicks me
one more time, I'm going to play like
Im out and dead. Well, he kicked me
in the head, and I shuddered and made
a noise and just went limp. And then I
got kicked like you never saw! He kicked
mc just behind my right ear and I
thought he'd about tore my head olt.
And then he kicked me once more іп
the head and I heard his sister yell,
"Come on, Aubrey, let's go." And so

were,

they started to take olf. He didn't know
it yet, but he hadn't finished with me.
PLAYBOY: You got up and went after him?
GARNER: Damn right I did. I figured that
any son of a bitch who can kick me and
hit me that many times and who can't
put me out ain't that tough. I couldn't
sée too well, but I did spot his car, so I
started. goin
ger side of his car then, and I thought
maybe I could grab his sister by the hair,
and if he wanted to drive off, he cou'd,
but he'd be dragging me, and. I wasn't
about to let go of his sister’s head, But as
I started after him, two guys I know—one
of 'em was Lew Wasserman's chauffeur—
came up and held me. Aubrey and his
sister took off, and I went to the hospital
Гог three days.
PLAYBOY: How
injuries?
GARNER: Oh, I had a pretty bad concus-
sion, a cracked tailbone, a lot of aches
and bruises and a few stitches in the head.
But they were just small wounds, because
Williams had been wearing kind of flashy
Italian shoes. They got Williams only on
assault with a deadly weapon, his shoes.
Anyway, I ain't near as mad at Aubrey
as I am at his lawyer, who called me a liar
on television. A reporter asked, “Do you
think there are some discrepancies іп Mr.
Garner's and Williams" lawyer
said, “Garner's a liar." The next day, his

for it. I was on Ше passen-

extensive were your

story?

man was totally convicted. The prosecu-
tion could have called 15 witnesses and
they all would haye told the same story,
but only three or four were needed.
PLAYBOY: Did you ever find out what
provoked the attack?

GARNER: "Ehe guy just blew his stack. Wil-
liams is an ex-Green Beret who's belliger-
ent and hot-tempered, and nothing makes
you madder than to be doing something
wrong and really fuck up at it. And that's
what happened. He was hurrying and
passing people on the right. and then he
ran into me and got mad at me for
getting in his way. But he knew how to
take care of it: Hed just jump out and
pop me a couple of times and then drive
on. It backfired on him

PLAYBOY: Between your physical bout with
Rockford Files and your separation from
your wife, this couldn't have been one of
the better periods in your life.

GARNER: The past couple of years really
have been bad, and 1 don't know when
I'm going to sce the end of it: but, hey
you have your ups and you haye your
downs. At that point, it felt like it was
just one damned thing tacked onto an-
other; but by the time I got out of the
hospital, I felt a little better. I think it
was because of the public reaction to what
happened to me: I received thousands of
letters, and a lot of people in show busi-
ness whom I don't know very well sent

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flowers. The warmth I felt from all those
people made me feel pretty good; and
when I got home, I was still cut and
bruised, but I also thought that maybe
I'd gone as far down as I could go. 1 felt,
well, the business was shitty, the family
was in an uproar, and physically I'd taken
another real good beating; but, hey, may-
be this was the end of it. And then I
found the sweetest little dog you ever
saw, a Samoyed, and he was a great com-
Called him Rocky after you-

PLAYBOY: Have things lightened up for
you since then?

GARNER: No, not really, because so many
things are still up in the air. I'm not quite
sure what I want to do careerwise, and
my marriage is still not together. I didn't
want to talk about this in an interview,
but the reason my wife and I are separat-
ed is that I was so physically and mental-
ly exhausted from work that I said I had
to take a sabbatical; I needed a hiatus. I
had to get away and take some of the
pressure off me, because there was tremen-
dous pressure on me from many, many
areas. And my wife understood that. Lois
and I haven't had any arguments and we
haven't had any fights. My wife and 1
go to dinner once a week and we talk on
the phone just about every day. There
never was gonna be a divorce.

PLAYBOY: In terms of what you want to do

with your career, does any of the conflict
have to do with making movies versus
working on TV?

GARNER: No, ‘cause I think it’s all kind of
like formula-car racing, if you know what
that’s about. In formula racing, you run
a car on а set of tires that сап be only so
wide, with an engine that can be only so
big and can create only so much horse-
power, and every formula is different. The
idea is to see who can drive more-orless
equal cars fast enough and smart enough
to win. TV and movies are like that, too.
You have certain restrictions in television
that you don’t have in films, and it gets
down to who works best in which formula.
Right now, I don't think movies are my
forte. I really haven't read a script lately
that hasn't contained sex and/or violence
that I want to be a part of, and I also
haven't read a script where I wouldn't
have to tell a director that I’m not gonna
say this or do that. Now, I don't like to
tell writers what they can and cannot do;
when I get a script, I'll tell them either
yes, I like it, or no, I don't. But I hate
to go in and tell them how to do their
picture. Anyway, I don’t distinguish be-
tween TV and films careerwise. Which is
why I said, OK, we'll do the TV series
and we'll work within that framework.
PLAYBOY: Do you feel the same way about.
doing commercials?

GARNER: не I do. The first ous I ever

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did on film was a Winston commercial.
T'm the guy who made that grammatical
error, read it, actually, that “Winston
tastes good like a cigarette should,” in-
stead of as a cigarette should. I didn't
know anything about acting when I did
it, so it had no value, but Гуе learned a
bit since then, As far as TV commercials
are concerned, I'm very selective about
the ones I do. I'm not going to sell ant
killer or deodorant and I don't do tooth-
paste commercials, and you show me a
commercial for Excedrin and I guarantee
that watching it will give you a headache,
I've been real fortunate with the Polaroid
people, and it's been good for them, too.
PLAYBOY: Why did you decide on Polar-
oid? Did they make you an offer you
couldn't refuse?

GARNER: No, because a lot of other things
were being offered to me, and for more
money. But Polaroid always had a certain
amount of class and they never did any-
thing cheap. Their first salesman to speak
of was Perry Como, and then they had
Laurence Olivier and Candy Bergen. I
had some meetings with their ad people
and I was straight with them. I told ‘em
I don’t believe in hard sell and I don't
care about Еѕюрѕ, light, convenience
or color. What I'd do would be to put the
camera in front of people and tell a little
joke and let the audience walk away with
а smile. And if people really wanted

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PLAYBOY

to find out about the camera, they could
go ask a salesman, but I wasn't gonna
get up on television and’ say, “This is the
best camera I've ever seen,” and all that
bullshit. I just wanted to leave them with
a good feeling about the product. By now,
I've probably done about 70 commercials
for Polaroid, and not all of them work,
but some of them do.

PLAYBOY: Why so many?

GARNER: That was my choice. I didn't
want people to see and hear one joke 58
times a week, because by the second or
third time around, they'd get sick of it—
and they'd also get sick of the product.
So I asked to make more commercials, but.
not to have any of 'em run too many
times in any area. That's because commer-
cials usually turn me off, so when I do
one, 1 want people to like it and I want.
а little humor in it.

PLAYBOY: And Polaroid saw eye to eye
with уси on that?

GARNER: Oh, Гус bridled at certain things
Polaroid has wanted me to do.

PLAYBOY: Such as?

GARNER: Everybody's going to hate me for
this, but I don’t like to work with kids
and animals, Usually, you wind up bustin’
your neck, trying to get a dog, say, to sit
in one spot or trying to keep the kid
happy. I deal in thoughts and humor,
not in how cute a kid is. And it's so te-
dious trying to get timing in those situa-
tions. Have you ever heard the story about
the comedian who asked the interviewer
what the most important ingredient of
comedy is? You be the interviewer and
ask me the question.

PLAYBOY: All right, Garner, what's the
most

GARNER: Timing. That's what comedy is
all about, and when you have to worry
about а dog or a kid who's not looking
up to catch the light, ing goes out the
window. And you can't have humor with-
out timing, which is why I told the ad
people, "If you really want me to lezve in
а hurry, just keep bringing those kids and
animals on. Thats why Henry Fonda
left GAF, fellas. He couldn't take work-
ing with the kids and the animals."
"That's the truth. Fonda is one of our great
actors, and all that other stuff was taking
away from what he was trying to do. You
see, acting is а business, it's ту business,
and as far as I'm concerned, 1 don't care
what the medium is, And it really burns
my ass when a Broadway actor goes to
make a film in Hollywood and is called a
sellout by his fellow actors, and the same
thing happens when a movie actor does
television or а commercial. We're actors.
"That's what we do, that's what we sell
and that's how we make our livings. If you
use good taste and judgment, there is
nothing at all degrading about doing a
commercial and there's nothing to be
ashamed of—and I set out to prove that.

with the Polaroid stuff. Jane Fonda said
she was embarrassed about Henry's doing
commercials. Screw her! I mean, I love
Jane and I've known her since she was а
baby, but what a snobby attitude. God
forbid if her career should go on its ass
and she needed money to send her kids to
school—if she was offered a commercial to
do at that point, you think she'd do it?
Damn right she would. And she'd prob-
ably also come out with a statement about
how there's an acceptable way to do com-
mercials,

PLAYBOY: Let's talk about another actress,
Mariette Hartley. Were you surprised by
the enormous response to the commercials
you made with her?

GARNER: Oh, I knew they'd work out well
before they were shown. Mariette started
working about the fifth or sixth commer-
cial I made, and at that point, I wasn't
too happy with the whole thing. Га just
finished one with dogs and kids jumping
all over me, and I thought it was bullshit,
and said so. But then they needed an ac-
tress, and Mariette was hired and we did
the one where she says, “Why do you say
one-step? It's two.” And I say, "No,

“Mariette is really а
marvelous actress. She
can do comedy and can
cry at the drop of a hat.

On top of that, she
photographs beautifully.”

there's only one,” and we start playing
with it. 1 knew it was good, and the ad
guys immediately began writing those
types of commercials, and it was fun to
see the thing develop. Mariette is really а
marvelous actress. She can do comedy and
can cry at the drop of a hat. On top of
that, she photographs beautifully. Here's
a girl who worked for nearly 20 years to
make it as a dramatic actress and she made
it with a commercial that got people to
sit up and notice that, hell, she's not only
a dramatic actress, she’s also got charm
and humor.

I don't know if you'd say that's odd,
but we all do it in our different ways. If
you go back to Maverick and the time
when Steve Allen and Ed Sullivan were
on TV every Sunday night, Warner Bros.
took this real-life dumb cowboy and put
him in a cowboy suit and threw him out
there on TV and told him to sink or swim
against the giants. Well, he swam, but you
wouldn't expect it to happen. I didn’t.
PLAYBOY: Were you really a cowboy?
GARNER: І wasn't a city slicker, that's for

sure. I grew up around Norman, Okla-
homa, and I was a poor kid; but 1 always
had a lot of sympathy, because my mother
died when I was four years old and my
dad remarried a woman named Wilma,
who was an absolute bitch. My aunts and
uncles would always take me around and
say, "Poor Jimmy." That woman was
really responsible for the way I developed
as an actor. I always try to keep my
tongue in my check, because I don't want
to be laughed at.
PLAYBOY: Did your stepmother laugh at
you?
GARNER: Well, yeah, she said some terrible
things about me.
PLAYBOY: Can you recall any?
GARNER: Oh, God, now you're getting into
psychiatry. When I did something wrong,
one of her great things was to put me in а
dress and have everybody call me Louise.
I mean, that was embarrassing, and I be-
came quite introverted from the time I
was about seven, when my dad remarried,
to the time I was about 14, when they
busted up. As you сап see, I'm not all that
introverted now, but it took me a long
time to get over that. In fact, deciding to
become an actor was tremendously hard
for me, because I never wanted to per-
form. I used to have to sing with my
cousins and my two brothers, Charlie
and Jack, at family get-togethers. Or my
dad would be drinking with his buddies
and he'd say, “OK, boys, come here, I want
you to sing. Charlie, you take bass; Jim,
you take melody; and Jack, do the tenor
part.” And I hated those things, I just
hated performing. Damn it, I'm gonna
sneeze.
PLAYBOY: You won't, Jim; it's all psycho-
somatic.
GARNER: Is it? Oh, well, forget it, then, I'm
not going to sneeze. Anyway, I hated to
do those things, and therefore I got to the
point where I was really a rebel about it.
By the time I was 14, Га become an іп-
dependent little bastard, which is what I
was. Nobody was going to tell me what to
do or when to do it. I think I developed
that attitude after my last set-to with my
stepmother.
PLAYBOY: What happened?
GARNER: Well, Wilma was going to whip
me, and I didn't let her. She had this
great thing about whipping. My dad then
owned a country store and we lived about.
nine and a half miles outside Norman, My
stepmother used to make us go out and
cut willow switches and then she'd beat
us on the butt with them, but she also
loved to hit me with whatever she had in
her hand, whether it was a stick, a board
or a spatula—she really loved spatulas.
Well, this one time she was gonna whip
me, I didn't let her, and it was an open
rebellion. She came at me with a spatula
and I hit her. I don’t remember how I hit
(continued on page 158)

1 A

WHAT SORT OF MAN READS PLAYBOY?

А man who thrives on a concern for detail. He appreciates flights of fancy, and he knows that all
occasions are potentially auspicious. He plans for the perfect moment: the best food and drink,
elegant tableware, stately flowers, the latest in formal dress. He knows the special moments are
reserved for his favorite woman, the woman he knows how to surprise with a personalized
gift. In PLAYBOY, he finds the guidance to lead the life that guarantees good memories.

fiction Ву ASA BABER

“THIS FRENCHMAN is a terrible per-
son, Gene,” Chen said. He rocked
back and forth in the bamboo
rocker.

I remember Chen clearly, even
though it was 20 years ago. 1
thought of him as a puppet, a
small Chinese puppet. 1 assumed.
he was at least 50, possibly older.
He жаз bald and full-faced, and he
wore steel.rimmed glasses that com-
plemented his rumpled linen suit
and vest.

Like the country of Laos itself,
Chen was full of contradictions.
He fancied himself a banker, and
he tried to dress like one, but he
wore shower clogs instead of regular
shoes and a red bandanna around

i watched the rain outside

his throat rather than a tie. Chen
had a habit of fingering black wor-
ry beads while he talked. Listening
to his English, his London School
of Economics English, only deep-
ened the conflicting presence of
the man.

I sat оп my bed drinking Beef-
eater gin without ice. I drank a
lot in those days, and while I pre-
ferred my gin with ice, I took it
any way I could get it. The hotel
refrigerator had broken down the
day before the monsoon began. I
was, by definition, left with warm
gin and a trapped feeling: tropical
claustrophobia; something like be-
ing stuck in an elevator that is also
a steam bath.

THE FRENCH LESSON

my window. it was a violent rain. it fit my mood

Chen had taken to coming in
and talking with me whenever he
found me in my room. He gossiped
idly while the rain poured down on
Vientiane, on the muddy Mekong
River and the tin roofs of the stor-
age sheds, through palm fronds
and flame trees, a rain so hard that
sometimes it obscured everything
except the vines that framed my
windows.

It was a violent rain and it drove
the gecko on my ceiling crazy: He
darted from corner to corner and
talked to the rain in his lizard
language.

"Lets go smoke some dope," I
said to Chen.

“Тһе den's probably flooded," һе

PLAYBOY

listed as

said, waving my suggestion aside. It was
clear that he wanted to talk to me at
some length about something. He was
busy setting me up, and he did not want
his train of thought to be interrupted.
Of course, I did not understand that at
the time.

“This Frenchman takes ears when һе
kills," Chen said.

“Не doesn't sound nice," I said.

"Simply not to be trusted," Chen
sighed. "He's a madman, I'm sure of it.”
He sighed again, and it struck me that
he might have been spezking of a failed
marriage or a bankruptcy.

Chen was a money-changer who used
his tailor shop as a front for a black
market in currencies. He tended to speak
sadly about many things. He was particu-
larly morose about people who did not
honor deals. 1 had seen him come to
tears, for cxample, about a minister of
finance who could not pay the interest
Chen had charged him on a personal
loan. To that extent, Chen had a tragic
sense of life. Coincidentally, the person
in question was found drowned on the
bank of the Mekong a week later.
People said it was the work of the
Pathet Lao, and Chen did not disabuse
them of that notion.

“Simply not to be trusted, those
French,” Chen said.

“That's what Gunny Nadeau used to
say," I said, “and look what it got him.”

Gunny Nadeau had been my second-
in-command. Не and I had brought a
special team out from Camp Pendleton.
We hooked up with Sergeant Sutton at
Tachikawa and Tony Allard at Kadena.
On paper, we were attached to Task
Force 116. In fact, we spent a lot of time
around the Plain of Jars.

Until everybody got snuffed except

me.

While Chen and I watched the rain
outside my windows, I drank as much
gin as I could to forget that Gunny
Nadeau's charred body was lying in my
poncho, brown side out, on line to be
shipped back to Travis Air Force Base.
The bodies of Sutton and Allard had
made it out before the rains hit, but
Gunny Nadeau was waiting for me.

I knew that all three men would be
illed in training exercises іп
California. That is what happens when
you die in a nonwar.

"Your Sergeant Nadeau was French,
wasn't he?" Chen asked.

“Cajun,” I said. “Louisiana French,
Same as Allard. Sutton was Canadian.
There wasn't a real frog among us,
Chenny. Isn't that something?" I asked.

"I'm sorry about your friends, Gene,"
Chen said. "Perhaps they paid the price
for freedom.”

I did not reply to that. The rain had a
hypnotic effect on me. I did not want to

100 analyze history or talk politics or listen

and death. I was sorely pissed at the war
I saw shaping up, and I wanted to get
out of Vientiane as fast as І could. I had.
resigned my commission and was waiting
for the rains to lift long enough to catch
the next transport to Bangkok. Things
had not turned out the way I had hoped.

"I was talking to the Indian air attaché
yesterday," Chen said. "He says he thinks
this Frenchman may have brought in a
surface-to-air missile.” He dropped that
into the conversation like a marble into
a water bucket. “This Frenchman amazes
me,” he went on. “You cannot believe
the stories I've heard recently. Last
month, this Frenchman supposedly came
into town dressed as a woman. A woman,
of all things. He walked into the w.c.
downstairs and shot one of your cultural-
affairs people right in the face. And
then, to make matters worse, he took one
of her ears, too.” Chen clucked his
tongue. “Leaving his mark, do you sup-
pose?"

“They take ears all the time incoun-
try,” I said.

“Yes, I know, but here in Vientiane?
And a woman, to boot? I think that's
Eoing a bit far, don't you?" Chen asked.

“Yes,” I said.

“The French are your allies, after all.”

“Listen, Chenny." I said. "the French
are on their own side. Period. Just like
everybody else out here. The French
figure this is their territory. They were
here before us, and some of them think
they'll be here after us. Maybe they will;
I don't know." I paused. "Sometimes
they have advisors down to patrol level
with the Pathet Lao, I can tell you that,"
Isaid.

“How terribly confusing,” Chen sighed
again. “I don’t understand any of it at
all. Perhaps I'd better leave while I can.”

"Be my guest,” I said. "Take your
money and split. Go back to Hong Kong
and start a real bank."

Chen tried to light a cigarette. His
matches were too damp, so I threw him
my lighter.

“Someone should take care of this
Frenchman, Gene," he said,

I rubbed my jaw. I hadn't shaved for
a week. “Does һе have a name?” I asked.

“I think it's LeGault.”

“LeGault,” I repeated. The gin burned
in my throat.

“Yes. His father owned a string of
rubber plantations. Large ones, too. Le-
Gault was brought up near Luangpra-
bang. He went to the Sorbonne for a few
years. His older brother was killed at
Dien Bien Phu, and LeGault came back
to run the family business, You'd think
he'd be angry with General Giap for his
brother's death, but evidently not. I hear
he hates Americans.”

“Some people never get it right,” I
said.

“Yes, but what I don't understand is,
why is he allowed to wander all around
the countryside, doing terrible things,
shooting people in the face, setting up
missile sites, just generally mucking
about, while you Americans act as if
there's a picnic going on instead of a
war? It doesn't make sense. Why doesn’t
someone take care of the rotten apple?”

I laughed. "Who are you working for,
Chenny?" I asked.

"Absolutely no one" he protested,
"except myself."

Nothing was said for a time. I was
fighting with a vision I kept having in
my days and nights: a chopper spinning
down, out of control, a bright magne-
sium star burning into the earth.

It was as if Chen could read my mind.
"You know, Gene," he said, "LeGault
might have been responsible for that
accident your people were in.”

"Accident my ass," I said quietly.

“You know what I mean.”

“1 was there, Chenny. I was talking to
them on the radio. I had the panels out
and they had us spotted. It wasn't rota-
tion problems. Don't buy the press re-
lease. They were hit by the first SAM in
Laos. You think I don't know a hit when
1 sce опе? Somebody upped the ante.
Maybe it was your boy LeGault.”

"He's not my boy." Chen bristled like
a terrier.

I remember how hot my body felt at
that moment, almost feverish
somebody should take him ou

“Now, now,” Chen pretended to warn,
“you'd have to play your cards very care-
fully if you decided to do that.”

“So?” I asked. "You think I can't do
that?”

"LeGault has lived here all his life,”
Chen said.

Looking back on it, I see how obvious
this all was: the pattern, the hints, the
coy preparation, the construction of
argument and evidence. But I was angry
at the time, or I let myself be wooed into
anger, and I heard only what I wanted to
hear. I understood at that moment that
LeGault was mine if I wanted him and
if I could get him. He was being handed
to me on an unofficial platter without
one incriminating thing being said.

I was 25 years old, three years out of
college, a Marine officer who was one
month past the disappearance of his
buddies in a bright ball of fire. I thought
about that as I vaguely took in my hotel
room: chipped plaster walls and rusted
plumbing and old editions of Le Figaro
torn up for toilet paper and my seabag
stowed in the corner and the mosquito
netting rolled up like a royal canopy
above the rickety wooden bed.

“May 1 buy you a pipe?” Chen asked
after along silence.

“You sure can," I said.

(continued on page 108)

p dA 74

N ES

“Оһ,оһ... here comes trouble!"

101

as owner and manager of
canada's hottest new modeling
agency, she leads by example

IF THE QUESTION remains in amyone's mind as to whether or not a woman
must sacrifice her femininity to be successful in business, we hope this pi

torial answers it once and for all. Meet Jo Penney, president of Jo Penney
Inc. Model & Talent Agency in Toronto. At 33, Jo is nearly an institution in
the Canadian modeling business, though she founded Jo Penney Inc. only
three years ago. She now manages 40 female models (30 adult and ten
“juniors,” aged 16 to 19), ten male models and 30 hard-working actors and.
actresses. Jo Penney models are regulars on the covers of Canadian women’s
magazines—the. counterparts of our Cosmopolitan and Mademoiselle. But to
bring the beauty of Jo’s models closer to home, remember Sylvie Garant, our
November 1979 Playmate from Quebec? Ahhhh, yes. We discovered her
through Jo Penney. And, in the process, we discovered Jo herself. Although
she's a former model, she hadn't been in front of the camera since 1975. Бис
even as we discussed business with her (and she can be all business, if you
know what we mean), we couldn't help wondering if she'd consider posing for
PLAYBOY herself. Finally, we popped the question. "I thought you'd never ask,”
she replied. It's nice to get а Реппеу for your thoughts. (We couldn't resist.)

PHOTOGRAPHY BY KEN MARCUS

Jo was о successful
model and actress for
several years, then
formed a dance troupe
(yes, she's also c skilled
dancer-choreogropher)
that specialized in per-
forming at conventions
and sales meetings. Out
of the dance troupe
came the idea to became
a booking agent. “I
found that I enjoyed
making people success-
ful,” she says. “When it
came to the decision to
open my own agency, |
thought, It’s now ar
never." 10% theatrical
talents contribute to Jo

Penney Inc.'s energized
and eye-catching pro-
motional posters like the
one at left.

104

Jo's knock for discovering beautiful young women has already brought us November

1979 Ploymote Sylvie Garant (left) and our October 1980 cover girl, S. J.

Fellowes. Jo recently opened a branch of her agency in Chicago and, with tolent
Imlets"^ (below right), plans to become “the top modeling agen

Jo's workdays are often frantically productive—on the phone

or face to face, closing deals for her clients. Getting to

that point is what counts, matching model with job description.
Below, she lunches with one of her models, Ploymate Sylvie
Garant. Back in the living room of Jo Penney Inc.'s nine-room
office suite, she discusses а project with five of her top

models. As for the photo on the opposite page, we asked Jo if
she loves furs. “Yes,” she replied, "but diamonds and furs
aren't everything. ld much rather have о successful company."

PLAYBOY

FRENCH LESSON

(continued from page 100)

“I had the gin bottle in one hand and the .45 in the
other. I took a last long hit of gin.”

“Whatever you are thinking about,
forget it,” Chen said casually.

“OK,” I said. I snapped my fingers.
“Gone.”

Chen laughed. “Very good,” he said.

Chen drove me through the rain in
his small Citroën down to the opium
den near the river. Hc went in with me
and I watched the young girl heat the
brown ball of goo on the end of a long
needle. When the opium was ready, she
placed it in the bowl of the pipe and
clicked the needle on the pipestem. She
handed the pipe to me without smiling.
Chen paid her, but he did not stay to
take a pipe with me.

I am not sure how long I stayed there,
but I do remember that later in the
evening, after my second pipe, I thought
Gunny Nadeau was in the lower bunk.
He was telling me war stories again
about how he had been captured on
Wake Island at the beginning of World
War Two and how he'd lost a toe to
frostbite at the Chosan Reservoir in
Korea.

"Lieutenant O'Hair,” the Gunny
laughed at me in my opium dream, “they
сап take this next war and shove it.
appy new year, Gunny,” I said.
арру 1961.”

I went into a deeper sleep, and when I
woke up, the Gunny wasn't there any-
more. I could taste earth, violets, autumn.
leaves. My lungs were burning and my
head ached, but my body felt light, almost
immaterial. It was wonderful opium.

“A bientôt,” I said to the girl as I left.
"Ca va mieux." I did not know if she
spoke French, but J had been sent to Laos
because, among other things, I spoke
French, and. I was damned if I was going
to speak English to the people.

There was a light under Chen's door,

but I felt too peaceful to see him. I went
into my room and sat down in the rocker
and sipped some gin. I was almost re-
Taxed. That lasted for less than five
minutes. There was а knock on my door
and I knew it was Chen.
He rushed into the room, “I
АП. LeGault is over at Tiger"
other swig of gin. Nothing set-
tled in my mind and I eyed Chen coldly.

"He's there, don't you see?” Chen
clapped his hands and turned in а circle.

I belched. 1 was not feeling warlike.

Chen moved around my room like а
moth. "What luck!" he smiled. "What

108 marvelous luck.”

“The luck of the Irish,” I laughed.
"Eugene O'Hair, at your service, Mr.
Chen, sir.

“Gene,” Chen said, “I don't think you
understand. LeGault is over at the baths.”

“You think so, huh?" I asked. I thought
I saw the face of Gunny Nadeau nodding
at me from nowhere in particular, from.
my mind's eye. "Maybe it's not LeGault.

Maybe it's somebody else.”
“I's him!" Chen protested. “Tiger
called me. She knows him. Tiger knows

everybody.”

Reading this as I have just written it,
I have to laugh. I was being stcered like
a boat in a channel, and I took direction
willingly, because I wanted to kill, I
wanted to even things up, and I carried in
the jumbled baggage of my consciousness
the idea that vengeance was mine, that
I had earned it through my contact with
drill sergeants and football coaches and
politicians and professors and all the other
men I had tricd to mold myself after.
Vengeance was manly and clean, sharp
as a whalebone, and I was God.

“Maybe I should just take a looksee,” I

said slowly.
Absolutely,” Chen said in a low voice.
“You should at least know what this man
looks like. He’s quite dangerous. He might
decide to come after you.”

“That would definitely not be nice,”
1 grunted as I kneeled down and unzipped
my Vaka-Pak. I took my 45 out of its
plastic wrapper. As I loaded the magazine,
pushing the fat cartridges down on the
magazine spring, I could smell oil and
metal and brass casings. I checked the
slide, admiring the precision of the ma-
chining, the beauty of the grooves. I could
feel myself start to salivate. That тау
sound insane, but it is a fact: І was in
love with small tolerances, colors of metal,
gunpowder, the fit of the pistol butt in
my hand, the weight of the weapon, my
knowledge of it.

“Let's us go take a look at this frog," I
said to Chen. I tucked the .45 into the
belt of my slacks. I was in civilian clothes.
There were no white men in uniform in
Laos at that time.

Chen did not go with me, of course.
People like that never do. He ducked out.
from under my arm and went into his
room. “I'll be with you in a minute,”
he said, but I knew he was lying. It did
not matter. My pulse was racing and J
felt alive for the first time in weeks, The
thick air did not tire me and the rain
was no hindrance. I gave one last yell for

Chen and then took off for the bathhouse,
Tiger's Place, It was а few blocks past the
American mission house.

Tiger was one of those Oriental wom-
en of indeterminate age who carry a tough
beauty with them all their lives. She wore
silk dresses with high collars and slit
skirts. It was hard not to watch her legs
while you talked with her. She wore gold
rings and pearl necklaces and expensive
perfume, and I suspect she was on the
payroll of every secret service in Laos.

“Gene, I can't let you in," Tiger said
when she saw me standing at her desk.
"We're full.”

"Where's LeGault?" I asked. I had the
gin bottle in one hand and the .45 in the
other. I took a last long hit of gin and
put the bottle down on a table. "Chen
told me he was her

“You're drunk, Gene,” Tiger said
calmly.

“I just want to see him, OK? I got to
know what he looks like. He took out

wooden and noncaring voice, she asked
me, “You are forcing me to tell you where

laughed. I pulled the slide
hack and let it slam forward. "There's a
round in the chamber now.”

“In that case, he's in number five. With
Valerie.

“Thanks, Mamasan," I smiled. I slipped
through the beaded curtain and crept
down the long corridor, down the dim
hall in a crouch that I thought was pro-
fessional as hell.

It was all very stupid, of course, because
T was just being used without my knowing
it. There were any number of governments
that wanted to be rid of LeGault. I did
not recognize it at the time, but I was in a
ballet, being choreographed by unseen
forces, and I was too dumb to know it.

I listened at the door of number five. I
heard water running and a woman's low,
happy voice. Steam floated out of the half-
open transom. I cannot explain it, but I
felt as if I were standing in a dingy hotel
hallway in a small town in Illinois. I сх-
pected, for the moment, to sce my grand-
mother bchind that door.

I opened the door a crack without
being heard. Valerie was scooping bowls of
water from the tub and pouring them
over a man's head as he Jay back in the
water. She was cooing like a pigeon, the
way she always did with me. She held a red
washcloth in her other hand and she
rubbed it across the man's chest.

They probably felt the breeze from the
door at the same time, because they turned.
toward me together. I was standing in the
firing position, arms extended, legs apart,
both hands holding the 45 and pointing
it straight toward them.

“Allez-vous-en,” Y said to Valerie. She
(continued on page 202)

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“Not on my left-channel Slanley-Mazursky speaker that
delivers transparent highs, solid but nonboomy bass and warm,
expansive, wide-open response in the mid-range!”

109

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article

BY, ROGER MORRIS

it was the most
savage riot in u.s.
penal history —but
the worst offenders
may have been outside
the prison walls

11171
ІНІН!

THIRTY-SIX
"HOURS
AT SANTA FE

To the, inmates; the pen was like а
small-town: virgin: Once ‘they, took Муга
bélonged to them, ihe ordinary. prisoners
as шеШ аз the real cons: No matter then
who became its master, they knew that
they could always have it back.

BUILT A [QUARTER CENTURY ago with the
usual grudging, appropriation and local graft,
the New Mexico State Penitentiary stands 11
miles outside fashionable Santa: Fe оп a site
‘of stark; incongruous beauty. Southward, the
soft Ortiz Mountains round gently toward Al-
buquerque and, far beyond, the Mexican bor-
dex. On the west, across thc Rio Grande valley
of scrub “and. piñon, is the shadowed, ever-
changing escarpment of the Jemez range. And
to the north looms the last great spur of the
Rockies, Ше Sangre (бс Cristo chain named.
the Blood of Christmore than 300 years ago by
frightened, pious conquistadors who first. re-
corded the haunting sunsets that draw oyer
iis peaks, a'sudden drain of color, crimson to

gray, sky tò ground, as if the mountains were _

suffering some massive hidden wound: y
Beneath. these vistas, the prison “itself isan

a harsher setting. Except for a nearby trailer

court, some scattered ranches апа зсуега! tiny,
remnant mining towns a few miles-east and
south, - he "institution: remains isolated сапа
distinct Ой a treeless) windswept placa
perimeter lights Hit ny unexpectedly in the
mountain darkness ‘off the Santa Fe-Albue
queérque highway. Yet оп the chill night-of
February 1, 1980, there strangely, lie
wind. Тһелехсйау, the smoke fom smoldering
cellblocks and corpses (continued өп page 114)

GNE
. ^e.
іх

|
|

BASE oy er

€

T
2

PHOTOGRAPHY BY MARIE COSINDAS

PLAYBOY

SAN TA ЕЕ (continued from page 111)

“Тһе watch began at midnight with 15 corrections
officers and one civilian to oversee 1157 inmates."

would curl almost motionless over the
desert.

For weeks there had been warnings of
a riot. The ever-vigilant prison psychol-
өңім had reported in early January that
inmates were hiding weapons in dormi-
tory E2 and were preparing to take
hostages. Although a routine shakedown
search found nothing, informers told the
deputy warden and the superintendent
of security a few days afterward that an
uprising was still planned, probably fol-
lowing an evening count of prisoners.
By late January, there were increasing
requests from convicts for transfer out
of dormitory E-2. The inmates there and
elsewhere had become tense and with-
drawn. Junior employees were afraid to
go to work. The texthook omens of
prison violence were everywhere.

On Thursday, January 31, a nervous
penitentiary intelligence officer, a former
military policeman on the job barely two
weeks, convened a meeting of senior cor-
rections officials to appraise the gathering
evidence. In perfunctory, manly tones,
they talked of a possible hostage seizure
E22 the following spring, of potential
escape attempts, of smuggled weapons,
of the usual racial unrest between white
supremacists and the pen’s dominant
chicano gang, La Familia. The mood of
the inmates, the intelligence officer ad-
vised, was “quite ugly.”

What mattered in that meeting, how-
ever, were not the intelligence memos
nor the many portents nor the new in-
telligence officer's inexperience but,
rather, the men around the table. At
their head sat the deputy secretary of
corrections, the highest career official
in the state system and, for the past
27 years, at least—whether as associate
warden, warden or simply headquarters
bureaucrat—the ruling jefe of New Mex-
ico's pen. More than any other single
figure, save perhaps his own patron,
the present governor of the state, this
тап had shaped the history that had
come down to that moment. It was

largely his creation, his domain, that was
about to erupt in the most savage riot

American penal history. Most of the
others in the room were likewise his
creatures, men of the system, men too
accustomed to ugly omens.

When the meeting was over, there
were no orders for special precautions or
procedures, or even for checking and
enforcing routine security practices. A
week before, the warden had asked su-

JM pervisors to review the riot-control plan;

only two staff members could even find
copies. As the officers of the morning
shift arrived at the pen for work late
the next night, they knew nothing of
the Thursday intelligence meeting, noth-
ng of the warnings about dormitory
E or a nighttime take-over.

In the first minutes of Saturday,
February second, the prison guard
changed with a routine briefing. The
evening census count had been taken
and the situation reported normal. The
morning watch began at midnight with.
15 corrections officers and one civilian
medical technician left inside the peni-
tentiary to oversee 1157 inmates, the
guards outnumbered almost 80 to 1 in an
institution built to keep safely and hu-
manely no more than 850. The prisoners,
some with mattresses on a cold floor,
were jammed through ten two-story dor-
mitories, cell houses and maximum-
security cellblocks that form the north
and south wings of the institution—all
connected by a single central corridor
running wing to wing through a middle
administrative area housing the prison
offices, mess halls, kitchen, gymnasium
and control center. With each intersect-
ing unit and each wing sealed off by
riotcontrol grilles, the single-corridor
"telephone pole" design is intended to
conserve staff and security and to con-
fine disturbances to their point of origin.
But this design does not reckon with
the human realities of penitentiary life.

Outwardly, there is a familiar insti-
tutional feeling about this prison: the
hard textures of concrete and tile, poor-
ly painted steel and tattooed skin, the
hollow, sometimes crashing sound of
footsteps, or doors slamming, or sudden
voices down a distant corridor, the
mingling of food and disinfectant with
the hidden, sour scent of 1000 confined
men. Yet beneath that surface, there is
another world. It is a world of daily
uncertainty and fear and hate, for
guards and inmates alike. In the next
few hours, that world will rise and
turn unrelieved.
rage on itself—smearing the state's con-
crete and tile with blood, shocking and
puzzling those who refuse to acknowl-
edge it—and will then disappear again
behind the shoddy walls of official fail-
ure and self-protection.

At 1:09 A.M., shift supervisor Captain
Gregory Roybal and his sccond-in-com-
mand, Lieutenant José Anaya, started a
tour of the prison’s south wing to close

st accumulated,

its va

down the dayrooms—open areas adja-
cent to dormitories and cell houses where
inmates are allowed to watch television
on weekends until 1:30 л.м. Roybal and
Anaya were both 52, with more than 20
years of service at the pen, Neither had
formal training in corrections, On a pris-
on staff where a turnover of 80 percent
common, they were officers of a guard
corps composed of a small clique of un-
schooled veterans and a majority of new,
inexperienced officers whose starting sal-
ary was little more than $700 a month
and of whom fewer than one third had
received even minimal training.

The commanders began their rounds
by passing through the steel corridor
grille that separates the south wing from
the administrative area and the central
control room of the prison. The grille
was supposed to be closed during those
hours, but it was not. Like their fellow
officers, like the warden and his deputy,
like the high-ranking corrections-depart-
ment officials who had walked the same
corridor over the past months, Roybal
and Anaya left the grille open as they
passed through.

"The officers secured a few of the south
units without incident. Ahead, beyond an-
other open, seldom-closed control grille,
was dormitory E-2. The crowded dormi-
tories, some with their flanking rows of
double bunks, are the least secure units of
the prison, designed for comparatively
well-behaved convicts. Yet that night, E-2
housed among its 62 prisoners some of the
stitution’s most violent men, transferred
there in a group the previous autumn
while their maximum-security cellblock
five was being renovated.

Three inmates from E-2 had recently
been sent back to cellblock segregation,
though none for suspicion of a take-over.
On the other hand, there were men in
E2 who had been named by informers
and in official intelligence reports as
among those plotting a riot. There were
cells available for them, but they had not
been moved.

Two weeks earlier, several inmates in
E2 had smuggled yeast and raisins from
the kitchen, mixed them in plastic gar-
bage bags and made a pungent home-
brew. By the time the guards climbed the
stairs to the locked door of the dormi-
tory, the men had been drinking heavily
for several hours. They were angry, and
they were waitin;

Inside, E-2 was shrouded in darkness.
Small blue night lights over the aisle had
been burned out, routinely reported and
routinely unreplaced for over a month.
Only the faint cast of the lights from the
Javatory and on the perimeter fence out-
side silhouetted the still forms in the
room.

Joined now by guard Michael Schmitt,
Roybal and Anaya entered the dormitory

(continued on page 164)

No, thanks,
I'm celibate.

a victorian
guide to
sexual abstinence
With an introduction by DEREK PELL

MALE CELIBATE IN ACTION FEMALE CELIBATE IN ACTION

is bad sex. Whether one wields cumbersome
ains manual labor. Recall the strenuous frenzy of
in ogenous zones, the tiresome stream of vocal endear-
z, the heated huffing and puffing, spitting and sucking (and for sadists, kick-
ing and shoving)—that results in exhausted humping and lunging and banging, not to mentio s kissing (while out of
breath) and abnormal exertions of the tongue (does anyone honestly believe that this repu ppendage was meant
to work overtime outside one's mouth?), Not only is coitus collaborative drudgery but it is a distinctly anti-intellectual pur-
rather than, say, reading Camus or taking in a museum, is shameful,
ny cerebral distractions.
ly pursuits that I recently uncovered a manuscript, The Joy of Celibacy, by Doktor Bey,

n a country blessed with so
in the midst of such schol:

ILLUSTRATIONS BY DEREK PELL

a Victorian gynecollagist. Ironically, Bey's
best-known work was a classic how-to
book for aspiring deviates (Doktor Bey's
Handbook of Strange Sex. Sissy Twitch
and Sly, London, 1899). At the time, it
was believed that the author himself was
a practicing pervert, but the discovery of
this manuscript. offers overwhelming evi-
dence that he was a closet asexual.

Perhaps, dear reader, you are wonder-
ing what relevance a 19th Century cclebra-
tion of abstinence has for the liberated
men and women of the Eighties. Well,
plenty. It is an undeniable fact that today
many people are turning off thcir love-
making and, instead, turning оп their
television: choosing Eyewitness News over
cunnilingus, opting for Family Feud, rath-
er than fellatio. Yes, statistics prove this.
Why? Because Modern Man is lazy.

Modern readers should welcome this
enlightened exit off a dead-end road, а
road that сап lead only to despair, disease
or the birth of a child. So come, walk
together, not hand in hand but joyfully
detached, and enter the unexciting world.
of celibacy. You will discover an art that
needs no practice.

BENEFITS OF CELIBACY

1. Longer life expectancy: The average
life span of the celibate is 104.5 years. Un-
fortunately, the chaste individual runs the
risk of being buried alive by misguided
good Samaritans.

2. Increased energy: In a recent study
at Oxford uM it was discovered
that celibate hyenas were able to run up
and down a flight of steps, without pause.
for 48 hours, while practicing hyenas often
collapsed and began masturbating after
15 minutes.

3. Greater capacity to govern: Мапу
well-known despots have achieved great
success by suppressing their sexuality, as
well as dissent.

4. More leisure time: While hedonists
are busy slaving away in the bedroom, the
celibate is free to pursue his hobbies,

5. Less accident prone: Rarely do celi-
bates have accidents while lying down.

CAREER OPPORTUNITIES

Occupations best suited to a life of
celibacy: marriage counselor. mortician's
assistant, taxidermist, arithmetic teacher,
postal worker, matador, literary critic, li-
brarian, carnival freak, octogenarian,
court-room stenographer, meteorologist,
one-man-band leader, toll-booth opera-
tor, ballistics expert, schoolcrossing.
guard, leper, Ayatollah.

CELIBATE GLOSSARY
Adultery: Celibacy, as practiced by dhil-

|: Piece of furniture for the purpose of
sexual intercourse (see perversion), Most
cclibates prefer a rack of nails.

Byesexual: Man who has bid farewell to

CELIBATE POSITION

CELIBATE'S

HANDSHAKE

GROUP CELIBACY

CASTRATION

his private parts (see castration).

Castration: Removal, by chisel, of un-
wanted protuberance.

Chastity bells: Device that, when attached
to the genitalia of either sex, warns of
the slightest arousal in time to take
action (see shower bathing).

Sound of celibate expressing joy.

: Gossip exchanged by celibates.

Discase: "That which is not contracted by
celibates, with the exception of leprosy.

Ejaculate: One who flees the altar prior

ng "I do."

Female celibate; miniature
igloo cuclosing the clitoris.

Gay celibate: One who travels exclusively
in mixed company.

Impotence: Motto among Southern celi-
bates: “Sex is of no impotence.”

Japanese style: Suicide performed on
one’s wedding night.

Knowledge (carnal): That which is un-
known.

Lima beans: Cclibate's favorite snack.

Greasing one’s feet (or foot-

1 in escape from a rapist.

Masochist: А well-adjusted celibate.

Standing erect in the

middle of a jungle.

Navel: Object of contemplation among
devout celibates.

Oral contraceptive: A lecture on the joy
of celibacy.

Organ donor: See castration.

Perversion: See sexual intercourse.

Pimp: Dwarf devoted to the seduction of
celibates.

Quickie: Competition among celibates in
the 50-yard dash.

Railways: Transportation avoided by mile

bates for fear of entering a tunnel.

Sadist: An unhappy celibate.

Saltpeter: Aphrodisiac for virgins.

Self-abuse: The banging of one's head
against a wall to vent hostili

Sexual intercourse: See perversion.

Shower bathing: Simultaneous cold show-
er and hot bath to exorcise desire.

ixty-nine: Number of noncrogenous

zones.

‘Testicle: Phallicshaped frozen dessert giv-

ng a convent to cstab-

ес chastity bells.
Vasectomy: The placement of an urn over
the male member to conceal an erection.
Voyeur: A blind celibate.
Wet blanket: Lounging robe for celibates
("Excuse me, while I slip into some-
thing less comfortable").

DOKTOR BEY'S TEN
COMMANDMENTS OF CELIBACY

1. Thou shalt not think it. 2. Thou
shalt not dream it. 3. Thou shalt not want
it. 4. Thou shalt not have it, 5. Thou
shalt not touch it. 6. Thou shalt not taste
it. 7. Thou shalt not see it. 8. Thou shalt
not hear it. 9. Thou shalt not smell it. 10.
Thou shalt not mingle with those who do.

modern living

WRIST ASSURED

nine reasons to hark to the call of arms

work if you can get it—and one of the ways to get

it is to slip or buckle something onto your wrist that
shows you're a cut above the rest of the crowd. A simple
bracelet says more about your taste tban a whole wallet
full of С notes; and the same goes for a good-looking
unusual watch. Get some wrist action in your life, gentlemen,

and you'll be coming to grips with the other type soon.

H OLDING HANDS at midnight 'neath a starry sky is nice

Right: On this lucky fol-

gold Riviera quartz watch,
by Baume & Mercier,
$9900, including an 18-kt.-
gold band. Left: The Man-
hattan GMT Chronosplit
features a dual watch
face; the lower portion is
an analog quartz watch
with date, while the
vpper half is an LCD

stop watch plus readout
info on time, date and
day, by Hever, $495.

Left: The Citizen quartz
watch also tells the day/
date, by Citizen Watch,
$125. Below left: This 14-
kt.-gold-cased Concord
Nine/Quartz Royal Mari-
ner watch stays accurate
to 60 seconds a year, by
Concord Watch Carp.,
$1390. Below: Casia's
wonder watch, the C-80,
does math and doubles as
а stop watch and cale
and tells dual times whi

you're overseas, $69.95.

It'll be a new you іп this 18-kt.-
yellow-gold 1.0. bracelet (below)
set with 38 small diamonds
weighing .86 carat, from Nei-
man-Marcus, $7480. Мек! t
ап inexpensive alternative, a
simple yet elegont gold-plated
Pierre Cardin bracelet, $18.

PHOTOGRAPHY BY OON AZUMA

If you're honkering to put a band
of gold around your wrist, make
it a bracelet from Tiffany; the
round one, below, is of sterling
silver coupled with a 1
gold-wire hinge, $25
other is a classy 14-kt.-
gold-link brocelet, $1015.

120

«т like to rise early and

get in some strenuous ех-
ercise maybe go for a

run on the beach, then
play my flute for a little
while. After that, I sit down
to a breakfast of my own
‘good home cookin’. ”

Santa Barbara Siren

she’s shy, beautiful and multitalented, and if you need
а good reason to visit santa barbara, kym herrin is it

PHOTOGRAPHY BY ARNY FREYTAG

10 / /

F YOU Evek strolled with your lover
along Butterfly Beach in Santa Barbara
around sunset, chances are you were
treated to a one-woman concert by
Kymberly Ellen Herrin. “I used to ride
my bike down there when I was a stu-
dent at Santa Barbara City College and
park beside a fiberglass tunnel. Га sit
there, where I could watch the sun set
on the Pacific, and aim my flute down
the tunnel. People walked by, different
couples, and I'd play music to fit them.
If it was an older man and woman,
maybe in their 50s, I'd play something
like Moon River. When a young couple
passed, or maybe a girl walking alone
Га play something contemporary like
The Girl from Ipanema, Y like to be
alone with my flute. People who play
music are never really alone.” Kymberly
also plays guitar, harmonica, piano and
a dab of sax. She surfs like a water sprite.
She's a licensed real-estate agent. She
lives in a rented house near the ocean
where she shares the space with a family
of rabbits (“The seven new babies are so
cute. They look like little Volkswagens”).
a collection of rare birds and a parrot
named Paco who dive-hombs her in the
kitchen, lands on the counter and says,
“Стпеге, baby." Kymberly's shy. "I feel
even shier if I really like a person. If it's
a man, I get very nervous. It's hard to
look him in the cyes. ] always lose the
staring contest, because I think he'll see
the lust in my heart." You might say she's
unusually shy for such а beautiful and.
talented. woman, but then, she's a late

“I like tall, dark-haired men, preferably with broad shoulders,
but I'm not attracted lo bodybuilders. 1 enjoy men with

some wil and a cultural background. Those are things you can see
in a man's face and carriage, even before you've met him.”

123

bloomer. She's spent more of her life being awkward, tall and skinny rather than graceful, leggy and, uh, just right. “It all
happened during one summer when I was in high school. My mother was away for two months, flying her airplane in various
races like the Powder Puff Derby, and in that two months, I gained 20 pounds in the right places, The day she came home, I
was sitting on our front porch, and she got out of her car, came over and said, “Куш?” She barely recognized me. When I was
a scrawny little nothing, I could stay out past 11. Suddenly I had a ten-o'clock curfew.” Kym's mother has been the primary
influence in her с. Her parents divorced when she was in grade school and her mother, а successful real-estate marketing
developer, raised Kym, her older brother and two older sisters. Kym admits that she very nearly idolizes her mother, and it's
easy to see why: “My mother is dark-haired and very beautiful. She's half Filipino—my father was Swedish-French—which gives
her beautiful skin and eyes. Aside from running her own business and raising her children, she plays piano, she's a great cook,
she flies and races airplanes and owns her own. Right now, she's building herself a new house. You might say that she's my
inspiration. Everything she does, she does well.” Obviously, Kym is her mother’s daughter. Aside from her culinary skills, her

“My favorite time to make love is the late afternoon. I get
so much energy from it that I want to go out and do some-
thing. I like making love at night, too, but not if I intend
to go to sleep, because afterward my heart is pounding so.”

“It seems like half the people
in California have Jacuzzis

or hot tubs. After a while,
they're boring. I’m tired of
Jacuzzis. In fact, you

might say I'm just pruned out.”

126

musical versatility and her unques-
tionable physical beauty, she's also
goal-oriented. The first thing she
intends to do with the check she'll
receive as our March Playmate is
“invest in some property my
mom.” Kym also plans to build
her own house one day. “I've al-
ready designed it in my head a
million times,” she laughs.

One reason Kym may never
leave Santa Barbara is the surf.
She learned to scuba-dive when she
was 14. (“Ме and one other girl in
a class with all men. Our boobs
kept falling out of our bathing
suits and nobody told us. But we
passed, and by 15, I was diving 160
feet.”) At 15, she climbed up onto
her first surfboard, and she's been
getting better ever since. We took
a few photos of her riding the
waves and, shy though she is, she
asserted herself enough to ask that
we indude at least one of those
shots in the layout. “It seems like
whenever they have a surfing
Playmate, they never show her
surfing. I just wanted one picture
of me on those waves in Hawaii"
(where she visited with Staff Pho-
tographer Richard Fegley). "They
were really good, over my head."

Kym's immediate goal is to trav-
el as much as possible, to places
like Australia, South America, Mi-
cronesia and Africa, to sce the fan-
tastic wildlife, “especially the birds.
"There's so much beauty out there,"
she says. Not to mention here.

“When I was a little girl, maybe ten years old, I saw my first PLAYBOY.
Back then, I had no fantasies about being a Playmate, because my
first thought was, Geez, these women are really old; they must be

as old as my mother. T hen, when I started blooming, I looked at the
Playmates differently. I thought, Wow, these are beautiful women!”

PLAYMATE DATA SHEET

BUST: ааш. 24“ dite

HEIGHT: „Б'9" werent: 124 sien: Libra — —

BIRTH DATE: e mure 2
--10 live lmg, laugh -R H

TURN-ONS : Liwe ЖЕУ. 227220) езі nu tans -

hme Ст" hot- al

TURN-OFFS : n fial o 2 0 дилай. and

FAVORITE MOVIES: с; ЛГУ

FAVORITE BOOKS : 24 VA,
Sus P» fed
e, Shue Under, Whe Lhe

FAVORITE 277 the Lm 5% АУ? ы diin,

ЖЕ (ға 7

-- E, Е ^ -
Аде TT 44,92 аай

PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES

My last boss told me during the job interview
that he was interested in a combination of
input and output," the girl told the employ-
ment counselor, "but I soon learned that what.
the combination involved was his putting it
in while I put outl"

What astrological sign do you relate to best
in a woman?" small-talked the girl in the
singles bar.

“I have a definite favorite,” smiled the fel-
low. "It's Clitaurus.”

We recently heard the procedure whereby
a Nobel Prize winner furnishes sperm for arti-
ficial-insemination purposes referred to as а
stroke of genius.

In a gay troupe, an actor named Freed
Was consumed by a cocksucking need.
When they found him in bed
With the star, the chap said,
“It’s a game where I'm blowing the lead!”

Our Unabashed Dictionary defines sexual eye
signals as diddlywinks.

1 used to let this ugly but rich and lonely old
widow go down on me,” reminisced the one-
time stud-for-pay during a drinking session at
his club, “even though she wasn't very accom-
plished and once even left tooth marks on my
manhood. It proved to be worth it, though."

“How so?" inquired an avid listener.

“When she died, I turned out to be the heir
of the dog that bit me.”

Our Unabashed Dictionary defines feminine
activism as a lib shtick.

А transplanted Cockney
accessible to the guys on the tour
been nicknamed the British Open.

ЛЕ groupie is so
t she's

Ik was in one of the last of the one-room school-
houses that a small girl ran up to the teacher's
desk and sobbed, “I just caught my finger in
the desk topl"

“Well, I'll kiss it and make it well, Betsy,”
smiled the pretty schoolmarm.

“And I caught my dingus in my zipper dur-
ing recess, pr Smithers. shouted a раан 15-
year-old. "How about some equal rights!”

You see me wearing my hair in an Afro," de-
claimed a flamboyant white pseudo activist to
а small group at a party. “Іп fact, I'm so into
civil rights that I've gone and teased my pubic
hair into an Afro, too!”

“And that means,” added his wife, who had
had it with her spouse's ceaseless posturing,
“that during ا‎ I have to look for a
needle in a haystack.”

КІ died, George, would you remarry?” the
woman asked her husband out of the blue.

"Thats a morbid question to spring on
me, Louise," answered the man, "but, to be
frank, in due time I probably would.

"Would you bring your second wife here
to live?”

"Since the house is all paid for—yes."

“Would you let her wear my mink coat?”

“It would make more sense than taking
a loss selling it."

“I suppose you'd even let the hussy who'd
replace me use my custom-crafted golf clubs!”
railed Louise.

“No, no— not that,” responded George. “She
happens to be left-handed.”

Sighed a sensitive condom named Ron:
“Tm put off by the trick and the con:
And the ads haven't fibbed
In their saying I'm ribbed—
There's a Scot who keeps putting me on!”

Im afraid there'll be a substantial wait this
evening, Mr. Sullivan,” the madam apologized
to one of her Saturday-night regulars. “They're
lined up humper to humper.”

Our Unabashed Dictionary defines shrewd
sheiks as oil slicks.

When the old farmer was on his deathbed, he
told his wife, “Rachel, I have something to
confess. Those odd notches on the barn door—
well, each marks a time when I was unfaithful
to you with a hired girl.”

“You can rest easy, Ben,” said Rachel, “be-

а I've cheated оп you, too.”
low often?" quavered the dying man.

"As many times with various hired men as
there are beans in that old pot in the pantry,”
cackled his spouse, "and theyre all there—
except, of course, for the batch I went and
cooked up for the harvesting crew last year!”

Heard a funny one lately? Send it on а post-
card, please, to Party Jokes Editor, PLAYBOY,
Playboy Bldg., 919 М. Michigan Ave., Chicago,
ШШ. 60611. $50 will be paid to the contributor
whose card is selected. Johes cannot be returned,

tside under the balcony?”

“Aren't they supposed to do that ou

the one policy nobody
seems to offer is the one that

protects you from the
hazards of insurance itself.

HOW TO BUY LIFE INSURANCE
AND GET
OUT OF IT ALIVE

article
By JOHN DORFMAN

E comes into your home with a hearty hand-
Н: looking you right in the eye. Immediate-

ly, he gives you the road atlas his company's
ad promised. He admires your place, tells a joke and
laughs at onc of yours. He shows you that he's an all-
right guy.

Before he leaves, your friendly local life-insurance
salesman expects to have your signature on the dotted
line. You will have committed yourself to spending
thousands of dollars over a period of years for a prod-
uct you really don't know very much about. The
salesman will have carned a commission of perhaps
$200 or $300, plus residuals And you will have
stepped into a bear trap.

You will have stepped into it because the salesman
appealed simultaneously to your sense of responsibility
and your sense of greed. There’s nothing wrong with
either responsibility or greed; but when you try to
make them bedfellows, you may be giving yourself
an unintended kick in the financial nuts. Because
neither your obligations nor the investment value
of your policy may be what you think it is.

Responsibility. If you're married, you don't neces-
sarily need life insurance; the obligation doesn't come
with the ring. If you don't have children, your wife,

if she works, might be able to manage fine on her
own (financially speaking) if you were to die.

If you're single, you probably need life insurance
even less. Your death might be an emotional tragedy
for a number of people, but it probably won't cause
anyone to suffer major financial harm.

But if you have kids, there's where responsibility
really comes in. Your death would create serious finan-
cial problems for your wife and children. Life insur-
ance can help protect them from those problems.

But kids do grow up. Once they're on their own, is
it your responsibility to provide them with a windfall
profit on your death? Think twice. You just might
decide that it’s not.

So your necd for life insurance may be a temporary
one. Why, then, should you buy the most commonly
sold policy, which is intended to cover you for a life-
time? Here's where the greed motive comes in.

Greed. The salesman says something like thi
“Look, friend, you need a certain amount of insur-
ance. You could get just plain, temporary protection
in the form of term insurance, which covers you for
a limited number of years. But at the end of all that
time, if you live, you get absolutely nothing back.
Term insurance is the kind of insurance you have to

CONSTRUCTION BY JAMES HIGA

135

PLAYBOY

136 of return on a lif

Ше to collect. If you buy term insurance
and you live, you're just throwing your
moncy away. You might as well throw it
down the sewer. You don't want term
insurance. You want permanent insur-
ance. Look at this whole life policy.
With it, if you live, you get money
back. Look at what your cash value will
be in 25 years...”

So, if you're like two thirds of the
buyers, you take the salesman's advice
and forget about term insurance. Instead,
you buy a policy that has a cash value,
one that offers “permanent” coverage.
It may be called whole life, straight
, ordinary life or some jazzier name.
"The trap has just snapped shut.

Don't blame the salesman. He really
believes that permanent insurance—
“whole life" insurance—is better for you
than term insurance. He's been taught
to believe that. He's paid to believe that.
Blame yourself, if you didn't know
enough to demand term insurance or at
least to consider it very seriously.

Because what you've just done, if you
bought a whole life policy, is made an
investment without planning for it, as
you would plan if you bought stocks or
bonds. That “money back" the salesman
promised you amounts to an investment
return, cven though it's not called that.

Now, you're probably a fairly savvy
guy when it comes to investments. You
keep most of your cash in certificates of
deposit, or real estate, or money-market
funds, or somewhere—somewhere be-
ides a regular savings account that pays
a measly five-and-a-half percent interest
rate. Right? But when you buy a life-
insurance policy and the salesman says
you should buy whole life because that
way, if you live, you get “something
back,” do you ask what the rate of re-
turn is on the portion you get back?
No, you don't. You don’t because you
don't know to ask And if you asked,
most companies wouldn't tell you. Rate-
ofreturn information on the savings
portion of a life-insurance policy isn't
currently required by the 17.5. Govern-
ment, or by any state (though Massa-
chusetts and North Carolina have been
considering it). Insurance companies
often act as if there were no such thing
as the rate of return on a life-insurance
policy. Some of them even say there's no
such thing.

And that, to borrow a phrase from
Jimmy Carter, is a lot of baloney.
Sure, any figure you calculate as the rate
of return can be disputed. But, by the
same token, there are several ways to
calculate the rate of return on a cor-
porate bond. Yet you never hear anyone
on Wall Street seriously maintain that
the yield on a bond can't be calculated
or that there is no such thing.

The formula for calculating the rate
insurance policy

is well known within the industry. It’s
called the Linton yield, because it was
developed by an actuary named Albert
Limon. The math is complicated, but
the concept is simple to understand.
nsider two 35-year-old buyers, Pat and.
Tom. Pat buys “permanent” whole life
insurance; Tom buys “temporary” term,
We'll say they each buy $100,000 worth
of coverage, hold their policies for 20
years, then drop them.

"Tom's term coverage costs him about
$225 a year to start with. Each year, the
premium goes up, because, with rising
age. Tom's chances of dying are in.
creased. By the time he's 55, Tom is
paying about $1000 a year.

Pat pays $1200 a year from the start—
about five times what Tom initially pays.
But Pats premium for a whole Ше
policy never goes up; it always remains
51900 a усаг. Pat can keep his coverage
into his 90s if he wants to, still paying
the same rate. Tom's term coverage, by
contrast, probably can't be renewed after
the age of 65 or so. If it can, the rates
will be very steep, indeed. At the age of
75, for example, Tom would have to
pay about $10,000 for a ytar's coverage.
Pat would still be paying $1200 a year.

Pat's policy builds up a cash valuc. At
the end of 20 years, when he is 55, that
value ht be about $33.000. If Pat
ends his insurance coverage then, he
gets back the $33,000. If Tom ends his
insurance coverage at the same time, he
gets nothing back, because term insur-
ance has no cash value. So who got the
better deal?

Probably "Tom. You might think his
rate of return was zero; but consider that
for the whole 20 years, Tom was paying
lower premiums Шап Pat. The шопеу
he saved on his premiums could have
been invested. It could have been put in
the bank, in a money-market fund, in
stocks or in any number of other invest-
ments. The Linton yicld tells how well
"Tom has to do with his investments to
match Pat's $33,000 return.

Assuming Pat bought an average
whole life policy, all Tom needs to do
to come out ahead is to earn 4.12 percent
after taxes. That conclusion emerges
from a mammoth study of life insurance
released in July 1979 by the staff of the
Federal Trade Commission (FTC).

In other words, the average life-
insurance policy is about as good an
investment over a 20-year period as that
much-disparaged vehicle, the passbook
savings account!

But the FTC report has а number of
other shocks in store. That 4.12 percent
figure is the rate of return for policies
that pay dividends—called, іп the trade,
participating pol The average rate
of return for nonparticipating policies—
those that don’t pay dividends—was 2.47

percent.

Also, life-insurance savings have a ma-
jor disadvantage compared with pass-
book savings. On a passbook account,
you currently get only about four per-
cent alter taxes (assuming you pay about
25 percent of your income in taxes), but
at least you get it consistently. With a
life-insurance policy. your rate of return
for the first several years is negative.
The FTC estimated the average return
(for dividend-paying policies) at minus
8.36 percent for the first five years, and
at only 1.48 percent if the policy is held
ten years! (One reason is that the agents
commission is paid mainly in the carly
years.) In short, you have to hold the
average lifeinsurance policy for about
20 years just to earn the mediocre rate
of return available on passbook savings
accounts.

After the 20th year, the rate of return
usually rises a bit more but not much.
The average lifeinsurance policy still
returns less than five percent a year,
even if held for 30 years.

The trap clicks shut. If you buy а
whole life policy, you face a problem.
You've committed yourself to pay a fixed
premium, year after year. If you decide
to quit early, your rate of return will
be, in a word, putrid. But if you hold
on to the policy for the 20 or so years
necessary to carn a fairly decent rate
of return, inflation will probably have
made that policy's coverage inadequate.
IF inflation runs at eight percent a year
from now until the year 2000, the
5100,000 policy you buy today will then
be worth only $23,171 (in today's dol-
lars). That's if you die and your sur-
vivors get the $100,000. If you live to
cash in the policy in the year 2000, the
530,000 or so you'd get would be worth,
in today's dollars, about $6951.

You also have to ask yourself how all
that fis into your lifestyle. Let's say
you have young children now. You know
that your death, in the next year or two,
would mean a real hardship for them.
For about $225 a year (if you're around
35 and buy term insurance), you can
arrange for your wife to get $100,000 if
you die. Simple and direct. In 20 years,
your children may be self-sufficient, or
may have joined some cult and fled to
Kuala Lumpur. You might be divorced.
You might even be dead. In most or all
of those cases, you might well regret
having decided to commit yourself to
shelling out, permanently, $1200 2 year
for permanent whole life insurance,

But my agent says. . . . Life-insurance
salesmen have quite a repertoire of argu-
ments designed to get you to buy whole
life or similar policies. Let's look at a
few of them.

1. Whole life helps you save money.
“All right," the salesman might say.
“Theoretically, you might be better off

(continued on page 144)

Right This lucky fellow's having no
problem weathering the storm іп

checked impermeable-cotton trench-type
coat with self-belt, stand-up соШбт,
padded shoulders and zip front, from
lee Wright by Lanerossi, obout $185.

CITY
SLICKERS

taking a walk on the wet side? here are some
colorful ways to add dash to the splash

attire By DAUID PLATT

THE CLASSIC BOGART TRENCH COAT may still be the most pop-
ular style of raingear for walking in the wet. but this season is
seeing a deluge of slick fashion choices. АП the designs, of
course, have one objective—to keep the wearer dry—but the
idea that this might be accomplished more interestingly seems
to have occurred to a number of people. Hence the prolifera-
tion of bright colors, shiny fabrics, jump suits, rain suits (even
one done with short pants that may not keep your legs dry

137

138

but is sure to get them noticed) and reversibles. А major
influence comes quite naturally from sailing/fishing Сое,
which have traditionally combined protection and a lively use
of color. If this spiffer attitude to rainwear still seems a bit
alien to you, consider the many ways that males are success
fully mixing different looks. Cowboy elements (hats, boots,
etc) are being combined with urban businesswear. Down-filled

Above: Woter, water, everywhere, except on this street-wise city
slicker who's escaping the elements wearing а precoated cotton
poplin rain slicker feoturing a snap-front closure, drowstring hood
and two snap-flap patch pockets, Бу Shedrain Company, $21. (It's
double-your-money time, chaps, as this slicker also reverses to с
navy-blue cotton polyester one.) His nylon tartan brolly, also
by Shedrain, features a very sturdy wooden shaft, about $22.

Below left: More slick stuff—this one's о water-repellent rubberized rain
slicker with a convertible hood, zip and Velcro front closure, adjustable
Velcro cuffs, two Velcro flap patch pockets and a Velcro collar tab, by
Basco All-American Sportswear, about $45. (His cotton water-repellent
umbrella is by Mespo Umbrellas, $22.) Below: For top-to-toe prote: when
freewheeling in the wet, it's tough to beat this water-repellent rubberized
rain er featuring block trim, zip- and snop-front closure, twin snop-
flap bellows pockets and a convertible hood, $130, that’s been teamed
with motching snap-leg coveralls, $90, both by Al В. Arden for Starpoint.

ski jackets are being donned over
suits. And active sportswear that
would look right at home on a tennis
court, jogging track or rugby field is
now being worn practically any-
where; casualwear is acceptable just
for the fun of it. It seems to us that
the same kind of experimenting and
imagination make equally good sense
in every area of apparel. Don’t think
for a second that your basic black/
brown/tan raincoat is obsolete. But
for variety and something of an up-
lift when there's a downpour, it's a
kick to have a few catchy looks to put
оп, whether you're walking the dog
or dashing out for a sixpack. While
you're rethinking your wet-weather
wardrobe, give some consideration to
picking up a bold-color brolly, too.

Top left: Here’s a short subject for a
rainy day—a nylon rain jacket with
button-front closure and button-through
angled flap pockets, $52.50, worn with
matching walking shorts with belt loops,
side-entry pockets, plus two handy over-
sized bellows flop pockets, $25, both by
Don Robbie. Left: No, our man isn't c
race-car driver taking shelter from с
squall, he's just a hip guy who's into
the latest in raingear—a nylon/cotton
water-repellent jump suit with zip- and
diagonal snap-front closure, elasticized
waistband, stand-up quilted collar and
а biswing back, by Ron Chereskin for
State О'Моіпе, $90. Opposite poge:
Who says you can't get a taxi (or a
taxi driver) on a rainy day in the big
city? His cover story is а good-looking
one: It’s а nylon ciré trench-type coat
with button-front closure, back yoke, self-
belt and button-through inverted back
pleat, by Sal Cesarani, about $65.

PHOTOGRAPHY BY STEVE EWERT

LIFE STORY:
THIGH-SLAPPER

Ше magazine, once king of
hard-news phota stories, is back,
but the focus of the stories has
changed. In its July
life ran a story on John’s digs
titled Casa Travolte: An Exclu-
sive Look at the House That
"Grease" Bought. The mogo-
revealed that “obsessed
with his appearance, Trovolto
had his ‘thunder thighs,’ as he
calls them, retouched to slim
them down for the Urban Cow-
boy [publicity] photos.”

issue,

zine

WHEN NOT JOTIING
DOWN QUOTES,

MAO ENJOYS COOKING
In lote February, China on-
nounced that it had begun its
own version of People mogo-

warld events.

Тһе pastelecion

DECIDEDLY LOWBROW
During ол interview with NBC
political color man Teddy White,
Richard Nixon shared some of
the wisdom he has acquired
about how politicians should
deal with TV appearances. “The
moin thing is to get a good pic-
ture where you're not wiping
your brow,” explained the for-
mer President, who then demon-
strated what he meant by wiping
his upper lip.

headline

MR. REAGAN GOES TO WASHINGTON (TAKE THREE)

Variety, the show-business newspaper, always hos a speciol twist on
"REAGAN SWEEPS AS

ron

CARTER weeps.» And the first poragraph af the story announcing
the most profound voter shift in 48 years began: “Elevation to the
U. S. Presidency of Hollywood actor Ronold Reagan poses questions
of what he could or would da to help solve theatrical problems.”

STAND BY,

WE'RE HAVING A
COPPOLA PROBLEMS
Froncis Ford Cappola produced
а half-hour live TV commercial
for California's Governor Jerry
Brown the Friday before the
Wisconsin Presidential primary.
The technical problems he en-
countered were reminiscent of
those he suffered on the set of
Apocalypse Now.

Opening credits proclaimed,
"Live from Madisno, Wiscinsin./”
Governor Brown first appeared
on the screen the state-
capitol dome showing through
an apparent hole in his head.
While he wos speaking, his
microphone went deod and one
in the clicked open—
picking up a voice thot said,

crowd

zine. Important People fectures
“brief biographies of important
peaple, longer articles on indi-
viduals ond their experiences,
letters, anecdotes and extracts
from diaries af revolutionaries
of the older generation."

WE'VE SEEN THE FUTURE AND WE DON'T BELIEVE ІТ

The National Enquirer's crack
team of psychics made these
predictions for 1980:

“Senator Ted Kennedy will
capture the Democratic Presi-
dential nomination in 1980 and
then—with a women өз his run-
ning mote—will sweep into the
White Hause in a landslide.”

"Bob Hope will become the

new U.S.
China.”

“Ап amazing electronic de-
vice developed by scientists will
do away with the need for
sleep.”

"The ghost of John Wayne
will materialize at the Alama
before the disbelieving eyes of
visitors.”

Ambassador to

AND I JUST LOVE SAMMY DAVIS!

When a foithful reader complained to columnist Abigail van Buren
that she hed left blacks off her list of peaple who had come from all
over the world to help build America, Dear Abby apologized for her
mistake, noting that “for decades, [blacks] worked our fields, cleaned
aur homes, cooked our meals, nursed our babies and tought our wors.”

"This thing is reolly о snooze.”
At one paint, it looked os though
there were severol little men
walking around on Brown's col-
lar. All Coppolo needed wos
Brando to mumble his woy
through a comeo ond he might
have had a hit оп his hands.

“Michael Landon will quit his
acting career and become о
rabbi who devotes his life to
helping the poor.”

“Ап a mad, impetuous mo-
ment, James Garner and Lauren
Bacall will morry—but both will
agree it wos a big mistake and
divorce after ony а few
months,”

"In a caolheaded act of
heroism, John Travolte will take
over the controls of an airliner
moments after the pilot is strick-
en with a heart attack. John will
lend the plane sofely.”

"Captain Kangaroo will be
attacked and slightly injured by
а wolverine thot has been
brought en the show.”

PRESS PARTY OF THE YEAR
For a party ct а Gotham rock
club to album

launch their

Emotional Rescue, The Rolling
Stones decorcted the club in a
hospital theme: bandaged man-
nequins,

wheelchairs, hospital
beds and, while guests munched
their canapés, a closed-circuit-

television demonstration of

open-heart surgery.

ALOOK BETWEEN
THE LEGS OF AMERICA

The headline above heralded
а Son Diego Union report
on pornography and violence.
That’s what we call great
head—but 1980 was a banner
year for such grabbers. Here
are a few more of our favorites.
“SMOKE GETS IN YOUR THIGHS,"
crooned New York's Village
Voice above its report on pre-
iminary studies that show smok-
ing contributes to impotence.
"WEARS YELIOW PANTSUIT,””
read Georgia's Weekly Moultrie.
Observer above a story on Miss
Lillian’s state visit to Cairo.
“MUSH FROM THE WIMP,“ trum-
peted The Boston Globe when it
тап а pro-Carter editorial that
was supposed ta be headed

"ALL MUST SHARE THE BURDEN.”
One hundred forty thousand
copies of the paper were printed
before the Aprilfool prank
was discovered.

* IN’ DISEASES” was the title
of a Cosmopolitan survey of the
current crop of common ail-
ments.

"THE PRICK OF CONTROVERSY in
December's Texos Monthly
turned aut not to be the story
of J. R. Ewing or Bunky Hunt or
even Dan Rather but a legal
update on the growing practice
of acupuncture that’s needling
Lone-Star doctors.

“О LADY ANITA SAYS MARRIAGE
WENT TO SEED,” proclaimed the
New York Post when Bryont's
divorce was announced.

FUN ON THE FARM

The Australian Bulletin ran a story on the recent drought's long-
term scars. For the cover, i! selected а photograph of a farmer

deeply invalved in his sheep.

Closer to home, Forbes magazine chose for its Morch 3, 19B0,
cover a corny version of an old favorite.

ILLUSTRATIONS BY DOUG TAYLOR

WHAT'S A POOR

GIRL TO DO?

On July seventh, Jane Welch
turned in а report to the
Raleigh, North Carolina, News
& Observer reading, “Dia-
phragms supposedly don't work
as well during simultaneous or-
gasm or when the woman is on
top." Her editar changed it to
read, "The diaphragm doesn’t
work during lovemaking.”

BARRETT’S QUOTATIONS
Shortly before jumping from
ABC to NBC, Miss Rona told Tom
Snyder that ABC execs had sto-
len her ideas and given them to
Barbara Walters. The experi-
ence was—well, traumatic:
“There is nothing worse than
feeling raped. . . . And for all
the women who have been
raped, the men who have been
raped, physically and otherwise,
it’s the same kind of feeling. .. .
What I'm upset about is that my
format’s been given to Bar-
bara. . . . | can't watch my ideas
given ta somebody els ofi
feel sick. 1 feel cheated.

SCREWING AROUND

WITH THE NEWS

Executive Mory Cunningham's
Tesignation from Bendix amid
sexual innuendo was the fem-
inist issue of the year. In Wash-
ington, newspaper rivals the
Post and the Star claimed rights
to Gail Sheehy’s version af
Mary's true story from separate
sources, but only the Pos! had
access to the edited version. So
Post honcho Ben Bradlee іп-
serted a couple of lines that
\Sheehy had nof written, to trick
the Stor. It worked the first
fime—the Sfor reprinted the
change verbatim. But in the sec-
ond installment, the Star caught
Bradlee's trick and didn't bite.
Instead, it came bock with its
awn acrastic on the gossip
page: “Ha-ha Ben.”

RATHER PRESUMPTUOUS
During the Republicon Conven-
tion, a pretty yaung reporter
working on the Ford-for-Vice-
President story for a national
newsmagazine tried ta check a
fact with CBS’ Dan Rother.
Notebook open, pen poised, the
intrepid reporter said, “Dan?”
But before she could ask her
question, Rather grobbed her
convention floor pass and auto-
graphed it. “That good enough
for you?" he beamed.

JUST IN CASE

The day after he pulled out of
the race far the Republican
Presidential nomination, John
Connally explained in an inter-
view with Barbora Walters the
circumstances under which he
might get back in the race:
“Let's assume that ап
plane draps out from under
both of the people we're talking
about—both President Ford and
Governor Reagan. Let's assume
that, if you want to assume a
macabre situation. Then | might
do it. You know, | might need
1o be available.”

air-

BAKED IN BEAN TOWN

We lift our hats to Homer Cilley,
wha risked (and lost) his job as
executive praducer of Boston's
Channel 7 evening-news pro-

gram. On April first, Cilley
broadcast ihe news that a hill in
suburban Milton had erupted
and was spewing lava and ash
on nearby homes. The report
included film of lava flowing
down a hillside and the dubbed-
in voices of President Carter
and Massachusetts Governar
Edward King expressing their
concern. At the end of the
bulletin, the reporter held up a
sign that read ApriL FOOL, but it
was too late. The community
got frantic and СШеу (pro-
nounced Silly) got the ох.

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH

Sometimes the media fall in

love with a story. We've definite-

ly had our fill of the following:

1. The reol story af haw Elis
died and what drugs were
in his body

. The Carter family saga

. Gay rights

. Gay Cubans

. Gay Talese

mawn

PLAYBOY

LIFE INSURANCE (onina pon poer 136)

“With the money you save by buying term, you might
be enjoying a new stereo or a ten-speed bike.”

buying term insurance and investing the
difference. But let's be realistic. You
wouldn't invest the difference; you'd

blow it. At least with a whole life policy,
you have some systematic savings."

"That is an argument you'll often hear.
Within its cool, Calvinistic heart, it
actually contains several propositions:
(1) Money is a good thing to have. (2)

In particular, you shouldn't spend it
while you're young. (4) Most definitely,
you shouldn't spend it on some passing
pleasure. Therefore, (5) the best thing to
do with money is to save it; but (6) most
people lack the necessary will power. (7)
You аге one of those people who lacks
will power. (8) So you need something
to force you to save. (9) Whole life in-
surance is just what you need.

This chain of logic seems to have a
few weak links. It also involves some
strong value judgments. Take $100 and
leave it to accumulate at five percent
interest for 20 years and you'll have
$265. Take the same $100 and spend it
on an incredible evening with a beauti-
ful blonde and 20 years later you have а
memory the value of which is hard to
quantify. The memory will probably be
unaffected by inflation, though, while
the $265 may be worth (assuming cight
percent inflation) only about $57.

"Thus, the pursuit of happiness is not
without value, though its value may be
hard to measure. А case can be made
not only for (as the saying goes) "buying
term and investing the dilference" but
also for buying term and frittering away
the difference. With the money you save
by buying term, you might be enjoying
а new stereo, a tenspeed bike or a num-
ber of other nice things.

Suppose, though, that you buy thc
chain of logic up through step eight.
You really do have trouble saving and
you think some kind of forced-savings
vehicle might be good for you. That still
doesn’t necessarily mean you should buy
whole life insurance. What about a pay-
roll-deduction plan or a thrift plan where
you work? Its rate of return might be
better than that on a whole life policy.
But even if you explain all this to your
insurance salesman, he still has other
arguments.

2. Whole life lets you carry insurance
after the age of 60 or 70. Since the pub-
lication of the FTC report, attacking
the value of whole life as an investment,

ма а lot of insurance people have been

protesting that their favorite product
has been misunderstood. It was never
supposed to be an investment, they say.
Well, at least not primarily an invest-
ment. The real point of whole life all
along, they say, has been that it allows
you to carry insurance in your later
years.

"There's some truth to that argument,
but it contains quite a few weak points
as well. Why will you want to carry in-
surance during your rctirement years? To
benefit your children? But by then, they
may well be self-sufficient. To benefit.
your wife? At that point, what shed
probably prefer is greater retirement
income, so your annual expenditure on
life insurance might be counterproduc
tive. To pay estate taxes? Probably no
big concern, unless you're rather wealthy.
In any case, half of your estate can be left
to your wife frce of estate taxes.

Of course. there's always a chance that
you'll find yourself single again in your
early 608, meet a 19-year-old Hollywood
starlet and proceed to have six children
by her. Possible but not too likely.

In any case, if you do happen to need
life insurance during your retirement
years, you still don’t have to pick a whole
life policy at the start. Most term poli-
cies are—up to a certain specified age—
“renewable and convertible.” Renewable
means that you can continue your соу-
erage cach year by paying the increased
premium. Convertible means that you
can convert the term policy to a whole
life policy if you want to. The conversion
process is usually expensive. But it is
there, as a hedge against the rather re-
mote chance that you'll really need life
insurance in your later years.

8. Whole life comes with a low-cost-
loan privilege. Lets say you buy a
$100,000 whole life policy and in ten
years it has a cash value of $15,000. Most
policies being sold today haye a loan rate
of eight percent, guaranteed. Let's say
that 1990, like 1980, happens to be a
е of high interest rates. It's tough to
get a loan, and if you do get one. you'll
have to pay about 18 percent interest.
You can earn 14 percent on a savings
certificate. In times like these, that eight
percent guaranteed loan rate could come
in handy. You'd borrow the $15,000 cash
value at eight percent instead of taking
out a car loan at 18 percent. Or you'd
borrow the cash value and reinvest the
money. It would cost you only about
51200 in annual interest and you'd earn

$2100 by reinyesting the money at 14
percent.

Does all that sound attractive? Sure it
does. In fact, in carly 1980, people were
borrowing like mad from whole life poli-
cies issued ten or twenty years ago. to do
exactly those sorts of things. (Strangely
enough, people in the life-insurance in-
dustry weren't overjoyed to see people
taking advantage of the loan prov
that way. Instead, they were beginning
to think about hiking the loan rate or
instituting a variable rate.) But if you
think the loan privilege is such a major
factor that you should base your buying
decision on it, you're probably the kind
of person who'd like a date with Bo
Derek because she has nice elbows.

4. The cash value of a life-insurance
policy is shielded from creditors. Truc,
but hardly a big deal when you stop to
think about it. If you got really hard
pressed, you would probably drop your
policy.

5. Whole life is a tax shelter. It is, for
two reasons. You don’t pay any tax on
the cash value until you actually cash in
your policy. At that time, you may be
retired, and thus in a lower tax bracket
than you are now. Also, the cash value
is taxed only to the extent that it ex-
ceeds the sum of all the premiums
you've paid (minus all the dividends
you've gotten back, if it's a participating
policy).

Whether or not this matters to you
depends on what tax bracket you're in.
Let's assume for а moment that the ac
cumulation of cash value is completely
tax-exempt. And let's assume that the
whole life policy in question has a better
investment yield than most—around six
percent. If you're in the 70 percent tax
bracket, that's arguably the equivalent of
a 20 percent pretax return, so whole life
might well be worth considering for
Mick Jagger and David Rockefeller—
assuming, of course, that they need life
insurance at all. But if you're in the 33
percent bracket, a six percent after-tax
return is equal to a nine percent pretax
return, which isn’t hard to find today.

Whole life is а good, conservative tax
shelter. Unlike other tax shelters, it in-
volves virtually по risk of losing your
money. Its even safer than municipal
bonds. Is it the best tax shelter for you?
Only your personal financial advisor
knows for sure—and you're lucky if he
docs. But unless you're in a high bracket,
this isn't a major factor.

6. Whole life can help you save up for
retirement. Of course, this is inconsistent
with argument number two, which pre-
sumes that you're going to hold on to
your policy during retirement, not cash
itin.

In any case, this pitch is a spitball. It's
not likely that the cash value of a whole

(continued on page 211)

. men's room!"

“Third floor . .

145

ey Sister My Seif

new research on twins is fascinating;
here are four pairs worthy of close examination

THE PERRY TWINS THE HARRIS TWINS

A. шти, Piper Perry weighed three pounds and Tara Perry weighed two pounds. When you're that little,

a pound can m:

quite a difference in your appearance. Piper didn't look too bad, but Tara looked fairly
wretched. For a while, the hospital had various tubes hooked up to her, and they had to shave off what little hair
she had. Piper got to keep her hair. So it was that when the twins first went home and family friends dropped by
to see them, their mother would bring Piper out of the bedroom, show her around proudly, take her back into
the bedroom, then bring her out again and announce, "And here's Tara.” And she got away with it. That's a
"twins" story, the kind of true tale that сап be told only by a person whose body comes in duplicate. Piper and

Tara are onc of four sets of beautiful twins we photographed and interviewed for (text concluded on page 174)

PHOTOGRAPHY BY ARNY FREYTAG

CYBIL and TRICIA BARNSTABLE (right)
should be familiar to our readers who
watch television regularly. The Barnstable
sisters must be the most filmed and
photographed twins in America. They
were the Toni (shampoo) twins, they've
taured with Bob Hope, appeared on The
Love Boat, Hollywood Squares (ten times)
and all the major tolk shows. As Eileen
Ford models, they frequently grace the
covers of popular women's magazines.
Both are University of Kentucky graduates.

а ond Cybil appeared on

The Barnstable twins posed at the age of six (above left) with younger sister Barbara (in the middle). Tr
The Tonight Show (below left) in 1974 ond they starred in Doublemint gum commercials (below, center ond right

іп 1973 ond 1976.

SHEILA ond MOIRA STONE, 22, are Bunnies ot the Dalles Playboy Club. In the childhaod
picture (above left), Moira is on the left. As you can see below, the Stone twins have

come a long way since then. That's 5/10" Moira leaning against the wall ond 5711” Sheila
opening the door. “We're triple Scorpias,” says Sheila, "which means that at times, we're
both very intense. Very intense.” Both ore dedicated and proficient pinball players, and in
the photo above right, Moira racks up a free game while Sheila watches.

148

PIPER опа ТАРА PERRY, 27, ore Bunnies who
recently moved from the Dallas Club to the Los
Angeles Club. In the photo above, that’s Piper

in front. Tara points out that “you con tell the
difference between us if you look closely. Piper
has а beauty mark on her left cheek.” Piper says
she likes “partying men,” while Tara prefers
“men who would make good husbands.” They
have a professional singing act and they played
the LA. Club's Cabaret lost December. The
scene ct bottom right is pillow fight between
the twa 5/6", 35-24-35 sisters. It was a fie.

150

152

LYNETTE and LEIGH HARRIS (in the picture below, thot's Lynette on the left)
are so psychically attuned that they often experience each other's

aches ond poins. You might remember them os Lyn and Leigh Holidoy

from our April 1978 pictoricl Sisters. Both live in Milwaukee.

Lynette’s pet peeve is Leigh's tardiness. Leigh says hers is Lynette's questioning her (“Why are you late").
When it comes to refreshments, Leigh likes “anything illegal, immoral and fattening.” Lynette says she
spends her spare time "getting Leigh out of mischief.” They want to star together іп a movie titled “20.”

154

PLAYBOY

156

“It’s been a wonderful evening. I want to remember everything
about it. First, if you'll tell me your name. . . .”

to beat the devil from Tales of the Rocky Tatras, by Kazimierz Przerwa-Tetmajer, 1903 Ribald Classic

A FEW YEARS AGO, there was a certain
goral, a hill man, who felt humped and
bumped by life, and so he was about to
hang himself when Old Nick appeared
and asked him what he was up to.

“IE thy skin were mine,” said the goral,
"thou wouldst have hanged thyself
thrice, not once.”

“A bet on that?”

“For what stakes?"

“For thy part, thou shalt hang thyself
and be mine; but if I cannot bear thy
life for three days, I'll make thee a rich
man.” They shook on it; the Devil
assumed the man’s form and left for the
goral's cabin.

"There the wife was waiting: She was
more than 40 summers old, fists like two
milk pails and mouth like a watchdog's—
barking that much.

“Where hast thou been?"

"In the forest, walkin’ an’ whistlin’,”
quoth Nick, He had not quite finished
the saying, when he got a good belt in
the mouth, so that bells were ringing in
his ears like the ones at the minster.

“And dost thou not know that ‘tis
spring now, that there is work aplenty?”
shrieked the virago. “So thou wouldst
whistle in the forest? Look at the thrush!
"Lis good for thee thou art here. Get
thyself ready. There is a wedding at

Wally Lojas. And mind, thou art to.

dancel ‘Cause everybody says thou art an
old codger and cannot move anymore!"

АП night the Devil had to dance. Each
time he wanted to sit down, the scold
was after him: "Wouldst thou shame
me? As is, folks regard thee no better
than a dog's car! Old gaffer! Dancel"
And because the Devil was alrcady
afraid of her, he kept going until the
white morn. Near killed himself.

‘Thought Old Nick to himself, We'll
get home, then I'll sleep it off. That's
what he thought! They drove up to the
house, the Devil stripped and climbed
between the sheets. The harridan jumped
him: “Just look at him! Where wouldst
thou pack thyself, thou dog’s breakfast?
Dost thou not know thy plow is waiting
for thee in the fields?”

‘The Evil One stared at the shrew, but
what could be done? No sooner did she
give him a pittance of food to break his
fast on than the Devil found himself
at the plow.

At noon, the scold came over with
lunch: “How much hast thou plowed?”
And then how this dragon did start cuss-
ing and swearing! “Thou stupid broken
windmill! Runt! Chewed-up dog's bone!
"That is all thou hast managed to plow?
At the table thou art a grown man, but
at the plow thou art just a babe in arms.
So thou wouldst feed now? There's thy
feed, swallow's nest!" And she slammed

the lunch pail to the ground.

"Till sunset, the Devil had to plow and
not stop. In the evening, he went home.

"Chop the firewood?”

All his bones were creaking in his
back, but he chopped because he was
scared of the woman. She called him for
his supper. He ate a bite: Thought he,
Now I'll sleep it off.

‘The wife said her prayers. The Devil
murmured something pretending to say
his, and they lay together. He was tuck-
ered out, almost to death, but when he
closed his eyes, she said, “Matt.” (The
goral's name was Matthew.)

“What?”

“Sleeping?”

“And what else would I be doing?”

And after a while, she asked, “And
why art thou asleep?”

* "Tis what the night is for.”

And in a moment: “Ману! What.
about if?”

"What's it?”

"It's what we were married for.”

"What? After I'm made to dance all
night, plow all day and then chop fire-
wood all evening? And the food thou
gavest me was enough for a barn fly.”

And the spitfire said: “Thou Hun-
garian corpse, thou wouldst give me lip?
A klutz, a wet weakling! Dumb Mat-
thew!” And she turned to him, please
forgive the word, with her arse.

Good, thought the Devil. Let her be
angry. It was not two moments before
the woman began again:

“Matty!”

А moment back ‘twas Dumb Matthew,
and now 'tis Matty! thought the Devil.
"What dost thou want?”

“Matty,” cooed the gammer. “Come on.

ILLUSTRATION BY BRAD HOLLANO.

Ill give thee oatcakes with butter on
the morrow.”

And she took to traveling all over him
with her hands, missed not one part.

"The Devil saw there wouldn't be any
sleeping and thought to himself: I'll
give in, woman. I'll serve thee once, so
that thou wilt leave me be.

The Devil took and did what had to
be done, laid down, went to sleep.

And right away in his cars.

Oh! How many times did she want?
It was the truth that man was telling
when he said he had enough! The Devil
kept his mouth and his eyes shut.

“Matty!”

And the Devil said nothing.

“Matt! Art thou listening?”

Nothing.

‘The poor Devil was hardly prepared
for what happened next. The tartar
lifted herself from the bedding and
planted an almighty kick right above
where his legs forked! The Devil flew
from the bed onto the floor.

“Thou impotent old man! Thou
cursed Judas Iscariot!” shrieked the vira-
go. “Sit thee over there. Thou art not
worthy of the marriage bed!”

The Devil sat on a log, feeling his
sides. because he got well banged up
in the fall.

And the gammer started a lament:
“Oh, poor, unhappy ше! Why did my
parents give me to thee for a wife? Oh,
well did Aunt Agatha, rest her soul,
advise: ‘Don’t give Kunnegunde to
Matthew, he is a broken old man!’ Oh,
misery, misery! Oh, my saintly mum!”

And the woman was old enough to
have been a grandmother.

So the poor Devil was sitting on the
rough bark, cold and splintery, and he
kept thinking until he got angry.

"Devils take thee!" he told the terma-
gant. "Dance all night, work all day, eat
as much as nothing, and then stir thine
embers all the night! It's enough to beat
the Devil!”

He ripped off his shirt, escaped
through a slit in the shutter and flew to
the goral in the dale.

‘The man was sitting by the fire.

“Here already?”

“Here,” answered the Devil. “You
were right to say that were I in thy place
I'd hang myself thrice, not once.” He
lifted a rock and showed the goral a
hidden treasure, a miracle to behold.

“Well, now I am a wealthy man,”
laughed the goral. "For the day chores
ГЇЇ hire myself a hand or two, and ГИ
take care of the night work myself."

The Devil growled: "It will still be
work enough for three Devils.”

—Translated by Bogumil
KoscieszaStregomia

[у] 157

PLAYBOY

JAMES GARNER (continued from page 96)

her, but she banged her head on a kitchen
shelf and that stunned her for a second,
and when my old man came in, I was
trying to choke her. He said, “What the
hell's going on here?" He naturally took
his wife's side, so my dad and my brother
Jack had to hold me while Wilma busted
my butt with a spatula. Later in the day,
though, he asked my stepmother what Га
done to deserve a whipping and she said,
“Well, he did something.
to know what and she said, “І don’t know,
but I know he did something.” Dad said,
“You mean you beat the hell out of the
kid and you don't even know what he
did?” And she said, “Well, I know he did
something.” Beating me used to be 2
favorite pastime of hers, I think. My dad
and her got into it right then and there.
Wilma left the house 2 couple of weeks
Tater, and then Dad left to work in Cali-
fornia a couple of months after that. He
put me on а farm in Hobart, Oklahoma,
and I stayed there for а couple of months,
and then I went back to Norman and
lived with my aunt for a few months, and
after that, I was on my own.

PLAYBOY: How did you support yourself?
GARNER: I got а driver's license and а
chauffeur's license when I was 14, and I
drove a salesman for Curlee Clothes all
over the state of Texas. We'd be out for
а couple of months at a time, and Га take
care of the samples, keep his books and
really kind of look after the salesman. Не
was an old guy who had an ulcer and he
wasn't supposed to drink, but he really
liked his Scotch and milk. He wasn't sup-
posed to smoke cigars, either, and I was in
charge of his cigars and every once in a
while I allowed him to have one. We'd
take a room at the Baker Hotel in Dallas
or the Rice Hotel in Houston and the
buyers would come in and they'd all sit
around, drinking Scotch, and I'd end up.
doing the selling. The guy was vice-
president of the company and wanted to
adopt me, but I was happy to be on my
own. The following year, I drove for the
company's salesman in Oklahoma, and
we must've gone through 100 towns in the
state. Those jobs took only a few months
each, so I had to do other things to pay
my way. I worked at grocery stores, I cut
trees for the telephone company so their
lines could go through, I was a hod carrier,
I hauled Sheetrock and bricks, I worked
at a chicken hatchery—I really had a lot
of jobs. I used to get up at 3:30 in the
morning and go sweep out the adminis-
tration building at Oklahoma University,
and then I'd go to school, play football
and then work at night. I learned real
early how to be self-sufficient, but a lot of
people helped me out, including my
grandmother, my uncle and my buddy
Jim Раш Dickenson's mother, who тап a

158 rooming house in Norman. The Okla-

homa University basketball team stayed
there, and she let me live there rent-free.
Mostly, though, I wanted to be like every-
body else and go to school.

PLAYBOY: Were you able to do that?
GARNER: Only to a certain extent. 1 fin-
ished my freshman year, played varsity
football for the high school and really had
a terrific time with my friends. My rela-
tives were worried about me running
around loose, but I didn’t think I needed
any supervision. I probably did, but I was
a smart-aleck kid. I was still an introvert,
but not among my friends.

PLAYBOY: Did you get into any trouble
with the law?

GARNER: Oh, occasionally, but I just did
the mischievous kinds of things all the
kids did. On Halloween, we'd throw rocks
at streetlights and knock them out, and
one of the best games we played was
Ditch 'em: Six or seven of us would line
up in cars and the first guy would take off
and everybody would try to stay with him.
The idea was to lose everybody else, and
you'd drive all over town and all over

“My stepmother used to
make us go out and cut
willow switches and
then she'd beat us оп
the butt with them. She
loved to hit me.”

the country to get away from the others.
We raised a lot of hell with that game, but
we never hurt anybody and never even
rolled a car, because we had some pretty
good drivers. It sounds dangerous, but it
wasn’t when we played it in 1944, Anyway,
after my freshman year, I quit high school
and Jim Paul and 1 joined the merchant
marines. My dad signed permission for me
to join, because I wanted to get in there
and help win World War Two. The min-
ute we enlisted, the Germans surrendered.
I think they heard we were coming.
PLAYBOY: How long did you stay in the
Service?

GARNER: Only for about a year. Jim Paul
and I wound up going to San Pedro,
California, and he shipped out, but I saw.
these good-looking girls who went to
Hollywood High School and I told him,
“That's for me.” So I went back to high
school. My dad was living in Los Angeles
and I stayed with him. Not too long after
I got to Hollywood High, the Jantzen
people came to school, looking for guys to
model their bathing suits, and the physical-

education teacher gave them the names of
ten guys to talk to. I was on the list, and
I wasn’t interested until they told me they
were paying 15 bucks an hour. They took
me out to Palm Springs for three days
and I made some real good money off
them.

PLAYBOY: Did that get you interested in
show business?

GARNER: Hell, no. I wanted to play foot-
ball for Hollywood High, but since I
didn't show up for too many classes, I got
kicked out. I was still under 18, so I had
to go to school, and I ended up attending
the Frank Williams Trade School. I think
I majored in first aid there, and that's no
joke. I started playing football for the
Hollywood Boys’ Club and right away,
Doc Lefevre, the coach at Norman High
School, called me and said he needed some
football players very badly and if he didn't
get them, he was gonna lose his job. Har-
ley Doc Lefevre. I went back to Norman
and played football for him. I won't say
I got paid, but I did have a credit card
at a clothing store and I didn’t have to
work a lot.

I was a punter and a linebacker on the
football team, and even before I left Cali-
fornia, a coach at Southern Cal told me
that when I got out of high school, he
wanted me to play for SC. As it turned
out, I continued my outstanding academic
carcer at Norman High: I dropped out of
school when 1 was 18. I had no ambition
and I didn't really want to do anything.
If somebody would say, "Let's go to Okla-
homa City,” I'd pick up a job and work
till I had enough money to go, and then
I'd come back and think, OK, what am I
gonna do now? If I'd get it in my head
to go to California, I'd go. My dad had
gotten into the carpet business, and when
I came to Los Angeles, I'd work for him a
little, and then I'd go back to Oklahoma.
I swamped trucks in Odessa, Texas, for a
while—loading and unloading them—and
I also worked as a roughncck in oil fields.
in Texas and Oklahoma. I never stayed
anywhere more than three or four months
at a time. I just went whichever way the
wind blowed.

PLAYBOY: At what point did that start to
get a little stale for you?
GARNER: If you really want the truth, not
until I was 26 and about to get married.
"That's when I started to get ambition and
accept responsibility. Until then, what did
I care? I could eat, sleep, and I. didn't
want anything. I'd never had any great
desire for things, you know. Anyway, in
1950, I was visiting my dad in California
when I got a notice from my draft board
in Norman saying I could take my choice
and report to the Army in Oklahoma or
California. I was in the first bunch of guys
drafted for the Korean War.
PLAYBOY: We understand you won two
(continued on page 181)

the country's top pool shooters show you the tricks of their trade

ANYONE BLUNDERING into a cer-
tain billiard room in Hamburg,
Germany, in the year 1800
might have heard the owner of
the joint make an apparently
preposterous claim. He said he
could pocket a ball by jumping
it from one table to another.
Betting against him, of course,
was folly, for he had mastered
one of the first recorded trick
shots. Yet you can be sure that
someone always took him up
on his proposition, if only to
see him do it. Because then, as
now, people just love to watch
a gifted pool player perform
the apparently impossible.

We asked a few of America’s
top professional pool players to
name their favorite trick shots,
and we invited top pool player
Pete Margo to our Chicago
studio to execute them for
our camera. If you're a shark,
or just a weekend shooter,
you'll want to try these out
yourself, Some look tougher
than they are, mainly depend-
ing on precise spotting of the
balls and an accurately stroked
cue ball. Others are so difficult
that to make them with any
degree of regularity requires
the dexterity of а vio-
linist, the nerves of a
surgeon and the coor-
dination, eyesight and training
оме], of a professional pool
player. Good luck, hot-shot.

sports By ROBERT BYRNE

THE SHOOT OFF
YOUR MOUTH SHOT

At ene point in the 1979 world
straight-pool championship in New
York City, Pete Margo made 270
consecutive shots, а new record for
the Professional Pool Players Associa-
tion, He talks а good game, too. His
electric style and pungent New York—
New Jersey accent are as memo-
rable as his sharpshooting. When he
shoots trick shots, the audience is
left leughing аз well as stunned.

In Margo's honds, the Shoot Of Your
Mouth shot is practically a show in
itself, and he always uses it fo close
an exhibition program. A victim is
selected from the audience, prefer-
ably one who is both beautiful and
nervous, and is persuaded to lie
across the table as illustrated, a ball
resting on a piece of chalk clamped
between her teeth. The cue boll is on
the rail beside the toble. Pocketing
the boll in the corner isn’t difficult;
the trick is fo know how much
speed to use so the cue ball doesn’t
caress the victim on the way down.

159

Con Ње halfback—in this case, the 9 boll—find a way through the
mass of blockers and defenders guarding the side роске? Yes. If
the 12 is struck full, the 3 hits the 13 and the rest of the balls part
like the Red Sea. The сие ball caroms off the 12 to caress the 9, im-
pelling it slowly into the side. A very satisfying shot.

THE FOOTBALL SHOT

Tell, slim, cool end only 27 years
old, Mike Sigel—nicknamed Coploin
Hook (the license plate of his 2802Х
reads С HOOK)—is the reigning world
straight-pool champion. Many con-
sider him the hottest player in the
geme at the moment. He's given up
hustling. “In small towrs, it's too bor-
ing,” he says. "In big towns, I'm
recognized and have to give up
too much weight.” The so-called foot-
boll shot is one of his favorites.

The fastest ployer in the game is
lou “Machine Gun" Butera, who's
so eager to pull the trigger thet it’s
agony for him to weit for all the
balls to stop rolling. During one of
the 12 mejor tournaments he hos
won, he ran 150 bells without a miss
in only 21 minutes, He's deadly on
the socalled over-and-under shot,
which in untrained hands con result
in ripped cloths, broken cues ond
balls bouncing on the floor.

A mechanical bridge, or rake, is placed across the table os shown.
The object here is to send the 15 ball under the bridge info the
corner pocket while the cue ball jumps over the bridge before back-
ing up under if fo pocket the 10 ball. To get the required jump-draw
action, you must hit the cue boll below center with cue angled down-
ward c! about 40 degrees. If you like your pool table, be careful

|
|

THE OVER-AND-UNDER SHOT |

Burly Steve Mizerak, © grade school

history teacher in New Jersey, has | One of Mataya's favorite trick shots is о massé along the short rail.
been among pooldom's elite for 15 | With the balls placed as shown and the cue stick elevated and striking
years, and he has closets filled with | at obout 80 degrees from the horizontal, the сие bell first knocks
trophies to prove it. The celebrated | the 5 into the corner, then goes halfwoy across the fable before
TV commercial he made for Miller returning fo sink the 1. Motoyo makes it three out of four times.

beer, which required
consecutive trick shots
ing monolog end the li
gloss of beer from the table just in
time to let the speeding cue bell pass
underneath, hod to be shot 191
times before the final take.

КЕТУ" КЕ

As they're set up in this photo, the 13 and the 15 are frozen fo the
гой on inch from the side pocket ond ore perpendicular to the rail.
The 9 and the 7 are lined up so that they're aimed at the edge of
the corner pocket, as indicated by the arrow. The 5 is ploced beside
the 7, lined up with the opposite corner. The charm of the shot is the
way the cue ball goes three rails Юю make one ball lest. But don't fry
it with a gloss of beer on the fable. Mizerck says thot during the
shooting of the commercial, “1 knocked the glass of beer over three
times, ruining the table.”

THE FIGURE EIGHT MASSE SHOT

Handsome Jim Matayo, winner of
mojor honors in 1971 and 1972,
retired from the gome until recently,
because, in his words, “| met а nice-
looking tomato.” He's beck in action
now end hes e standing $25,000
challenge for a winner-take-all nine-
ball match. Nobody hos volunteered.
"Everybody is afraid to ploy me,
end 1 don’t blame them.” In addi-
tion to hi with о cue, he is an
effective comedian, particularly good
at imitations of other top players.

Ray Martin's wife got fired of hear-
ing him say that he wes very pos-
sibly the best pool ployer in the
world. “OK,” she seid, "prove
So Marlin, at the аде of 32, started
working seriously on his game, going
out four nights a week to proctice.
That wes 13 years ago. Hes since
won more tournaments than he cares
to count, including three world cham-
pionships. What does his wife say
now? “Thet’s my manl” Ray's trick
shot dates back to the lost century.

Three сие sticks are jammed info а corner pocket and three balls—in
this cose, the 13, 3 ond 15—оге set up af the side pocket. The
cue ball is struck with left English, hitting the right side of the 13.
Тһе 13 and the 3 go in immediately, the cue ball travels three rails,
rides up between two of the cues to the corner, where it “chonges
tracks,” rolling down the two other cues fo pocket the 15. The secret
is to use just enough speed fo send the сие ball up the ramp without
jumping off the table as it turns the corner, but is easier than it looks.

THE RAILROAD SHOT

Hopkins dreamed up the Evel Knievel shot fo have something different
for a television appearance with Willie Mosconi and Minnesota Fols.
Here the 9 boll is resting on two pieces of chalk and the сие boll
is lower thon the 9. Striking downward ct the cue bell makes it
bounce up under the 9, which then jumps over the row of 13
balls, goes through а triangle standing on edge and rolls info the
corner pocket. He'll bet you even money he can make it on the firsi try.

THE EVEL KNIEVEL SHOT

Allen Hopkins has the husky, healthy
look of a college linebacker and а
confident glow that comes from feel-
ing he is the best money player іп
the world of pool. “I've got to be
good," he says with а smile. “It's
what | do for e living. I'm always
ready, always in stroke. | don't
smoke, drink or mess with drugs. I'll
play anybody who can get up some
cosh.” Betting big money doesn’t
scare the 29-year-old Hopkins. Не
once flipped a coin for $5000.

This shot doesn't work even for Rempe every time, but when it does,
the fons go wild. So will your friends. The long diagonal arrows
show how fo aim the two-ball combinotions. In this setup, because of
the “throw efect" of frozen balls, the 3, 13, 6 and 15 will diverge
from the arrows toward the corner pockets. When first trying this
shot, stort with just the cluster of six bells in the center. Once you

Ten years ago, Richie Florence was
the hottest young hustler in the busi-
ness. Now he's a cue maker ond a
fournament promoter with several
major events to his credit. "I want to
be remembered as the man who put
pool on the mop,” he says with

affecting enthusicsm, "who pumped
big bucks into it.” He swears he's
оп the verge of seeing his biggest
dream come true: a tournament in
Las Vegas with 4000 players and
$1,000,000 in prize money.

This trick shot is one that should be practiced when the owner of the
fable isn't locking. With the balls set up as shown, the cue is held
almost vertically (note the unique mid-air bridge with the palm
turned upward) ond the cue ball is struck with a crisp stroke. When
Florence does it, the cue ball knocks in the far ball—in this cose, the
9—then hesitates a second before rocketing backward along the rail
io make the 3. А long mossé shot really brings а crowd fo Ё

can make those, add the others.

THE 16-BALLS-ON-
ONE-SHOT SHOT

“King James" Rempe, winner of 37
mejor pool tournaments, handles
himself with an elegance that
matches his style of play. He looks
great in his silk shirts and tailored
Molian suits. He remembers his first
big score as а young hustler: "I went
right out and bought a diamond ring
for my pinkie, a pair of $400 alligo-
tor shoes and a car. | let а friend
drive the cor fill | was old enough.”
е most spectecular shot involves
sinking 16 balls at once.

THELONG MASSE

PHOTOGRAPHY BY BILL ARSENAULT ANO RICHARD KLEIN.

163

SANTA FE (continued from page 114)

“This bloodiest of prison riots began, not with a wild
rush or screams but with an almost controlled quiet."

about 1:40 A.M, following their usual
route up the aisles to close the dayroom
at the far end. Another guard—Ronnie
Martinez, 18 and working at the pen
scarcely four months—was assigned to
secure the door.

But Martinez, like many other officers
on many other nights, did not close the
door. Small, slack men, Roybal and
Anaya were in the aisle when they were
quickly taken by the inmates, some of
them weight lifters. At 25, Schmitt was
bigger and stronger but no match for the
several men who now jumped and beat
him, some with ax handles. At the same
time, two inmates hurled themselves at
the door. There was a crash as it was hit,
and quick muffled cries of the guards in-
side being overwhelmed, but the sounds
died in the stair well. For a moment,
Martinez struggled to shut the door.
Then the prisoners slammed it open,
carrying the young guard with them.

This bloodiest, most anarchic of our
prison riots then began, not with a wild
tush or screams but with an almost con-
trolled pause and quiet. The rioters
methodically stripped, tied and blind-
folded the four officers, while one inmate
dressed in Roybals uniform to screen
the others as they descended toward the
central corridor. But once they were
down the stairs, through the unlocked
gate at the bottom and through the open
riot-control grille, the hard, half-drunken
men of E2 waited no longer. They
spilled into the central corridor past
other open grilles, rushing up the stairs
of an adjoining dormitory, F-2, to engulf
four more guards, viciously stabbing and
beating one who put up a fight. In the
attack in the stair well, 49-year-old Her-
man Gallegos, who had worked as a
guard at the pen for a quarter century,
slipped into the darkened dormitory and
was sheltered there by sympathetic pris-
oners. Down the hall, in unit E-I just
below the dorm where the riot had be-
gun, protective-custody inmates began to
barricade their door against the freed
prisoners. Moments old, the riot had al-
ready begun to expose-the lethal divi-
sions in inmate society.

With keys from the guards, the rioters
hurried to unlock six other dormitories,
and in minutes, more than 500 prisoners
were loose іп the south wing. The crowd
milled for a minute or two in the for-
bidden territory of the central hall and
then began to move slowly north down
the corridor, kicking ahead of them one

164 of the officers seized at F-2—who was then

stripped, bound, blindfolded and leashed
around the neck with his own belt.

By that time, guards at the door to the
mess hall had seen convicts pummeling a
naked man up the corridor, and an of-
ficer in the control center had learned
from an inmate using Roybal's captured.
two-way radio that at least one hostage
had been taken. But the guards were
powerless as the rioters passed through
the open south-wing:corridor grille into
the administrative area.

There was time only to close the rest
of the guards behind the north-wing
grille before the rioters appeared at the
windows of the control center, beating
their naked hostage with pipes and rods
and taunting the terrified officers behind.
the “unbreakable” glass panels installed
only two weeks before. (The deputy sec-
retary himself had reassuringly tested a
security glass with a sledge hammer be-
fore installation, but no one seemed to
have noticed that it was not the same
kind of glass.)

The rioters began to beat at the win-
dows with pipes and a fire extinguisher
ripped from the corridor. Inside the con-
trol center, officers watched the canister
bounce once, twice off the glass. The
third time, one of the panels began to
crack. As the control-center officers fled
out the front entrance of the prison, in-
mates were already through the glass and
standing over the control console with
its keys and electronic locks for the entire
prison. The seizure of the penitentiary
had taken about 22 minutes.

Now the inmates would head for the
hospital pharmacy, for the drugs left
there in such ample supply by the
obliging bulk-purchasing policy of the
state—and for the plumbing shop in
the basement, where they would find an
acetylene torch and other tools. They
would need the torch, for there were still
guards holed up behind a few locked
grilles in the north wing. And, of course,
there was cellblock four, the protective
unit at the far end of the prison housing,
the child molesters and killers, the men-
tally ill, the weaker men who were vul-
nerable to homosexual assault and other
abuse and those who were thought to be
the pen's notorious snitches. The rioters
would need the torch in cellblock four to
cut from cell to cell, and for the slaugh-
ter. that was to follow.

A territorial relic from the 1880s, the
forerunner of the present pen stood at
the end of Pen Road in Santa Fe, not far

from the state capitol. Neighborhood
children bicycled around its dark-red
homemade brick walls. But a few feet
away from the cyclists, on the other side
of the walls, was what an ex-inmate called
п “endless nightmare” of overcrowding,
primitive sanitation and brutality. When
four successive riots burst open in a single
year in 1952-1953, the new institu-
tion was quickly erected on the barren
Cerrillos plain well out of town, and the
awkward antique pen was expunged to
the last brick—though not before wide-
eyed Santa Fe school children were
toured through both buildings to see the
obvious wisdom and progress at hand.

Yet the change of prisons in 1956 sim-
ply transported to the new pen the
deeper problems of the old. In two years,
the penitentiary census had clinked past
capacity to 905, and by 1963 averaged
nearly 1300. Still worse, along with the
swelling inmate population came the
squalid sociology of New Mexico's cor-
rections bureaucracy. The state in the
Fifties left the custody and reform of its
felons largely to a poor, meagerly edu-
cated underclass of native Hispanics. The
arrangement only mirrored local society
beyond the prison walls, in which most
of New Mexico's Hispanic majority—a
people of proud cultural parochialism
and ancestry in this country before the
Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock—
lived in economic and social subordina-
tion to their own small aristocracy and to
the growing Anglo minority whose mon-
ey and men controlled the state.

Over the next 25 years, New Mexico
would realize genuine progress in lifting
such discrimination. If the barrio's men
of the Fifties were guards, clerks and
laborers, their sons and daughters were
moving in growing numbers to Santa Fe
and Albuquerque subdivisions as an
emergent middle class. But for the prison,
the damage was done, the chemistry of
poverty and misrule as relentless as the
brewing of the raisin hooch in dormi-
tory E2.

In the politics of New Mexico's pov-
erty and racism, the penitentiary prompt-
ly became a center of bureaucratic
nepotism and corruption, fostering the
inevitable clique of administrators and
guards tied by family, complicity and a
shared incompetence in jobs none could
afford to lose. Moreover, as a major em-
ployer among the extended families of
the region's Hispanic society, the pen
provided votes, patronage and campaign
contributions in the traditional Demo-
cratic counties around Santa Fe.

For almost every purpose, the system
was pervasive and self-reinforcing. By all
accounts, New Mexico's doomed prison
was hardly an institution where educated
new guards were welcomed or promoted;
nor was it a place where embarrassing

Sit

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intelligence was reported or given сге-
dence, or where old friends, relatives and
other fellow members of the guard clique
were reprimanded for such minor mat-
ters as unclosed corridor grilles.

In much the same way, the cumulative
corruption blocked any chance of help
from the outside. Nervous officials report-
j luable Federal funds in
the Sixties for fear of the accompanying
fiscal audits. While this prison, like most
others, suffered harshly enough from
stingy, shortsighted legislative appropri-
ations over the past two decades, the
modern management and budget:

PLAYBOY

phistication that might have made a
difference were resisted as a threat to
both personnel and business as usual.

RE nally, the circle closed with polit
s who found no reason to clean out
ate sinecure that was a virtual com-
агу of votes and graft. There would
be even less incentive for reform when,
eventually, the long-tenured corrections
officialdom came to know so much about
those politicians, about who was prof-
iting on the outside from shady contracts
and dubious vouchers, about prisoners
the politicians wanted favored and why.

Оп the lowest level—the daily encoun-
ter between prison captors and captives—
this system took its toll in several ways.
Added to the common oppressions of
prison life, the entrenched nepotism in
Santa Fe made change or relief for many
inmates all the more hopeless. Ignorant,
unschooled guards meant caprice, bru
ity and exploitation by cunning
Through it all coursed the ethnic suspi-
cion and hatred between the predomi-
nantly Hispanic guard corps and the one
third to one half of prisoners who were
Anglo or black, a raw exposure of the
bigotry buried just beneath the surface
of the chamber-of-commerce image of
New Mexico's bicultural society.

“From the beginning, it was run by а
gang of officers and the strongest thugs
in the population,” remembers one veter-
an employee of the prison. “There were
no real rules and no тезі security. Any-
thing could have happened. It finally
did.

The haunted history of the modern
state pen paralleled the rise and close
tionship of the two principal public
ls in the events of 1980. A tall, thick
n of square face, no better educated

Шап his peers but armed with w
backers and critics alike call a “magnetic
personality,” Felix Rodriguez was singled
out carly from the guard ranks of the new
prison. By 1958, he was associate warden,
and he rose steadily—including five years
as warden—to become deputy secretary of
corrections. For 21 years, senior
corrections officials swiftly came and went,
Rodriguez was the one administrator con-
166 tinuously in a position of authority and

nates.

offic

responsibility over the New Mexico peni-
tentiary. It was he who chaired that
meeting of the prison officials the da
before the riot.

Perhaps the most important admirer of
Rodriguez’ administrative talents through
s Bruce King, whose own po-
fortunes were similarly impressive.
Portly, educated at a rural New Mexico
high school before World War Two,
launched from the fortune of one of the
state's largest feed-lot operations, the am-
bDitious King entered Santa Fe County
апа then legislative politics іп 1955,
about the same time Rodriguez joined
the prison bureaucracy. King's hallmark
as a politician would be a penchant for
expensive cowboy boots and the good-ol'-
boy twang and manner of the great pan-
handle plains that lap over into the stare
from the cast, depositing grassland,
money, pol reaction and ethnic
bigotry. By 1963, he had become the
state's powerful speaker of the house,
with heavy Democratic vote margins
around Santa Fe; and in 1970, he ran
successfully for governor, It was King who
would install his friend Rodriguez peni-
tentiary warden for an entire guberna-
torial term—and who, re-elected governor
іп 1978, would continue to preside
uncritically over the state's corrections
department and penitentiary.

"Inadequate people were surrounded

by inadequate people,” says a former
prison psychologist of the pen in the years
before the riot. "The officials became

indistinguishable from the inmates, and
the riot, in а way, was simply а continua-
tion of admin

Tt was „ February
second. The carnage was about to begin.

As the prison control center fell to the
rioters, a guard in the north wing placed
a last call to an outside tower, telling the
chiel of security there that if help did not
arrive at once, rioters would control the
entire prison. “We're doing all we cin,”
answered the chief.

Two guards then hid in the crawl space
near the gas chamber beneath the north
wing, where they would lie safely during
the next 36 hours of horror above them.
While the prisoners sacked the pharmacy
below, the medical technician and seven
inmate patients would also hide away on
the second floor of the hospital, somehow
unnoticed, for the duration of the riot.
But the three retreating guards in the
north wing, and another who had locked.
himself in а far south-wing dorm, were
soon taken with the keys from the contol
room and the acetylene cutting torch from
the plumbing shop. There were then 12
hostages inside the pen.

As the guards surrendered, the rioters
rushed exultantly, yelling and whooping,

to release the residents of maximum-
security cellblock three—among them the
elite toughs and most-feared men in the
penitentiary, some of whom would play
powerful and prominent roles in the later
negotiations with officials, Even while
cellblock three was being opened, those
negotiations were starting. At 2:30 A.M., an
inmate elsewhere in the pen radioed the
warden and his deputies then anx-
iously congregated in the main tower at
the entrance. There would be no escape
attempt, he told them, but any assault to
retake the prison would mean the death
of the hostages. The rioters demanded to
meet with Governor King and the media
to air their grievances. The inmate then
put Captain Roybal on the radio to make
his point. After a brief discussion among
themselves, the officials agreed to nego-
ше. The decision was academic, А hand-
ful of state police arrived soon to plug the
perimeter of the prison, but the forces
necessary to recapture the building and its
1000 suddenly uncontrolled, unpredictable
men would not be there, or even remotely
hours. "The offi
began sporadic radio contact with the
inmates, and waited.

What was about to happen then inside
the prison would become the subject of
more than 100 indictments, nagging polit-
ical embarrassment, much myth, theory
and revulsion—and a singular new chapter
in the history of atrocity. In the next few
hours, rioting prisoners would bludgeon,
butcher, kill and then rekill ag: nd
cach of 33 fellow inmates. There
would be a theory that the murders hap-
pened in а drugcrazed frenzy, and at that
moment, rioters were pawing through the
pharmacy and sniffing the large stores of
paint thinner and glue in the basement
repair shops. But then the pillaged drugs
were mostly soporifics. Nor was there
clear evidence that the killers were
high on sniff. There would be a theory,
too, official and simple and widely
cepted, that the victims had been mostly
snitches, the treasonous, despised tools of
petty, incompetent prison administration.
Yet fewer than a third of those who died
may have been known informers. Perhaps
the only certainty in those murders was
what happened to the people who dis-
covered them afterward, the National
Guardsmen who vomited, the experienced
medical examiners who would be offered
therapy, the nightmares.

It began at three A.M. with a screaming.
Spanish voice reverberating from the
lower tier of cellblock three: ";No era
уо... no lo hice!" (“It wasnt те... 1
didnt do #1"). He was beaten to death,
that first casualty of the pen's self-
mutilation, а young thief from a super-
stitious northern New Mexico village
where they believed he changed himself

(continued on page 220)

LEROY NEMAN

ЭКЕ 986

ALL HAUL the return of ће sexy, leggy cigorette girl! Mouled ond pinched іп the Forties and Fifties (the heyday of the rowdy conven-
tioneer), she foded into obscurity when faced with the foshionoble taboos of the antismoking era. The recent resurgence of the mesh-
stockinged cigorette girl con in port be attributed to ће marijuona kick. Although they all peddle brond-nome smokes, some girls hove
become more enterprising. Recently, we've heard of shopely young tobocco vendors’ being dismissed from fashionable discos for hoving

the controversiol herb tucked away in secret compartments of their trays. Purely to accommodate, of course. —LN.

167

Look like you've arrived
even before you leave.

Before you ride the stunning

new 1981 CB900 Custom, Honda has
a little advice for you.

Dress up.

Because no matter where you
go, you're going to be the
center of attention.
From the rak-
ish leading axle forks
to the four gleaming
megaphone pipes, this
motorcycle has the

An engine design proven on
Europes fastest tracks

power totum
heads even faster
than it turns the
quarter mile.

Twist and shout.

Long before the
CB900 Custom rolled onto its first
boulevard, its engine was racing in
Europe.

And winning.

This potent 902 cc four-stroke
four-cylinder DOHC powerplant is
a direct descendant of Honda's
championship endurance racers,
complete even down to details like
multiplate cam chains and a forged
one piece crankshaft with replaceable
Kelmet bearings.

Instead of rocker arms, intake
and exhaust valves are actuated by a
more efficient direct drive valve train.

The CB900 Custom's Pentroof "
heads feature four valves instead of
the ordinary two for better breathing
at high rpm's.

And Honda has fitted the four
32 mm constant velocity carbur-
etors with anaccelerator pump.

Shaft drive
Tor extra.
ТІЛДЕН

ALWAYS WEAR А HELMET AND EYE PROTECTION. Specification:

for smooth response from idle on up.
Roll on the throttle and this pump.
injects extra fuel into each carbure-
tor's venturi.
No lag. Instant power.
Which means
that under the shining.
chrome and deep rich
paint, you'll find
% another kind of beauty.
Тһе kind you
measure with a
stopwatch.

Along with its
silky smooth five-
speed transmission, the
CB900 Custom offers some-
thing extra.
Another transmi: Ь
"The Select- Range" sub-
transmission.
Working with
the conventional
gearbox, it gives
you a choice of two
diflerent overall gear
ratios — low and high.
Use the five speeds in
low range for best accelera-
tion in city riding. Or use the
five speeds in high range to im-
prove gas mileage for touring.
Changing from one range to
another is quick and simple. And puts
you in control of the
only 900 сс
motorcycle that
allows you to
tailor its perfor-
mance to the мау
you want to ride. Instantly.

It’s like riding on air.

While a big motorcycle should
be big on power, it should be big on
comfort, too.

So the CB900 Custom has been
exhaustively engineered to give you
a ride that won't exhaust you.

Тһе engine is mounted on

HONDA

FOLLOW THE LEADER

And instead of a chain,
connected to a cushioned shaft drive.
The result is luxuriously smooth and
requires virtually no maintenance.

Meanwhile, the CB900 Custom's
distinctive pull-back handlebars,
cushioned footpegs and low, low
saddle conspire to make you feel com-
fortably in control.

Honda's advanced ComStar™
wheels and fat, cooler-running raised
white letter tubeless tires give you per-
formance that lives up to their looks.

And if you feel like you're riding
on air, you're right. The CB900
Custom comes with air-adjustable
suspension, front and rear.

Touches of genius.

There are plenty of other neat
features you might not notice at first
glance, but are going to love
in the long run.

Select- Range lets you
match performance to
sour riding style

Like the CB900 Custom's high
performance oil cooler. Or its no-
maintenance transistorized pointless
ignition.

Тһе triple disc brakes.

"The dual highway horns.

The quartz halogen headlight

The new instrumentation
lighting system.

Or even the automatic fuel
petcock with reserve position.

By now, however, it’s obvious
that this space will run out long
before the features do.

To learn more about this excep-
tional motorcycle, visit your nearby
Honda dealer and sit yourself down
on а brand new CB900 Custom.

There's only one way to describe
how you'll feel.

‘You've finally arrived.

nd availability subject to change without notice.

Dept. 494, Box 9000, Van Nuys, California 91409.

20 QUESTIONS: LAUREN HUTTON

america’s reigning heartthrob shares her thoughts on romance, marriage and the etiquette of the tooth cap

D Rensin met with actress and in-
stantly identifiable Revlon model
Lauren Hutton over lunch in Los Ange-
les. His report: “T know there are men
who cut out all the ads that Lauren Hut-
ton has appeared іп. I play baseball with
those guys, and they would give up a
500 batling average just to spend two
hours with her. Lauren is, of course,
beautiful. And intelligent, intriguing, in-
genuous and inspiring. She also knows
how to have a good time. In fact, eating
lunch with Lauren Hution is even better
than sitting in a pile of Ultima H ads all
day long. She сап call me any lime.”

1.
PLAYBOY: Do most people think you're
taller than you actually аге?
HUTTON: Yeah. Everybody does. But
that's when I had more of a magazine
identity to people. Since my movie roles,
it hasn't happened that much. Actually,
"Т was one of the smallest models іп the
business. I'm 5/734". When 1 started, it
was in the days of the giant Germans. А.
short girl was 5'11”. Veruschka was 6^4".
It’s one reason why it took me so long to
get started. So I talked very loud, moved
very fast and wore very, very high heels.

rLAYBoY: Has your modeling kept you
from getting the movie parts jou wanted?
HUTTON: Sure. I would never have gotten
the chance to test for the role in Gigolo
if John Travolta—who originally was
cast in the lead—hadn't wanted me.
After that, Paul Schrader, the writer-
director, met me for five minutes at a
party and found out I could walk and
talk at the same time. That's prejudice.
You have to work harder to overcome it.
So my work has to be that much better. I
was in Mexico, lying оп the beach, when
all the reviews for Gigolo started coming
ош. My old man came up and threw me
a copy of Time. 1 forced myself to read
the review line by linc. And it was won-
derful. I didn’t even realize I was going
to be so scared. Richard Schickel said I
had “open, vulnerable playing” and that
he “believed every minute of it" For
the rest of the day, I felt so good, so
legitimate. And then it started sinking
in that I had considered myself illegiti-
mate for the past eight or nine years.
Fortunately, I'd been so busy I had never
had the time to sit and stew about it.

FHOTOGRAFH BY ANNIE LEIBOVITZ

3.
PLAYBOY: Who do you think is heir ap-
parent to your top-model crown?
ниттом: There's a really beautiful girl
named Roseanne Vela. There are lots of
them now, really. We'll just have to
wait and see.

4.
PLAYBOY: You're 36 now. Isn't America
becoming more fascinated with mature
women like you, instead of nymphets?
HUTTON: I think it's both. We're finally
getting an idea of sexuality's full range.
It's nice. It's a good time to be an actress.
Roles that explore sexuality, explore
life. Try to think about some change in
your life that wasn't at least partly ticked
off by sex. "There are finally some parts
for women who are real, not just adjuncts
to men. But only in the past five years.

PLAYBOY: What do you think of women's
movies?
HUTTON: Real women's movies, to me, аге
just as boring as real men's movies.
What's erotic for me is to have it mixed,
What's erotic is something totally dif-
ferent from oneself. I guess that's why
Im heterosexual. Once in a while, it's
interesting to go into a men's bar. Re-
cently, I was in a place іп New York with
about 300 guys all shoulder to shoulder.
And I was іпуізіМе. It was grcat. I
haven't been around a crowd of people
where I was invisible for a long time.

6.
PLAYBOY: Were you a Playboy Bunny
once?
нитток: I was а Bunny for about five
months. It was after I'd left college and.
gone to New York, I was starving. And I
couldn't do anything. Someone told me
the New York Playboy Club was open-
ing. I didn't think 1 was amply enough
endowed for that. But, anyway, I was too
young to work at night, so 1 worked
during the days. It felt strange; І had
never been in night clubs before.

7.
PLAYBOY: How do you feel about breast
implants?
nuron: I certainly wouldn't do it. I
think it’s silly. If someone had a strong
need for them, she should do it, but I
think of them as projections.

8.
рилүвоү: How can a man prove to you
that he's liberated?

HUTTON: Well, he wouldn't have to
prove it. I would assume it. I'm sort of
American that way. You're innocent

until youre proven guilty. So, quite
often, I get stomped three seconds in.
You can sort of feel attitude. I just like
to be treated like another human

being, except one who's frailer, not
as strong physically. Women have al-
ways been,
positioi

biologically, in a poorer
They need protection. Men
mes have to be inhuma and
. But I'd rather meet a bad man
than a bad woman.

PLAYBOY: Why?
HUTTON: Women are rougher. I think
men in their hearts are much more deli-
cate than women. The older I get, the
more I think about it. My mother always
taught me, of course, that men were
tough creatures who would hurt you and
desert you and all that. "That love didn't
mean as much to them. That they just
had a different attitude. I got the idea
of women's being shrinking violets, but
now I don't think so. I certainly haven't
been. І think women will survive more.
Every time. And hurt for less timc from
a bad affair of the heart.

10.
rLAYBOY: How do you handle a delicate
man without offending him?
nurton: I'm from the South, and every
once in a while, I go back. I meet up
with all these good old boys, whom I
love, because I grew up with them. I
know their heart. I also know their old-
timy way of puffing up [she inhales and
holds her breath], and I don't buy it.
They're like chameleons. In Africa,
chameleons puff up when they're about
to be attacked or they're threatened—
which is all the time, because they have
no defense, They puff up and stand side-
ys to present what they feel to be this
huge front. Meanwhile, they're just Іше
guys. So I tease. I come on strong and
macho, then make a quick feign back to
being a delicate flower. That confuses
them, and then we can get by all that
other stuff.

n.
PLAYBOY: What is romance to you?

HUTTON: [Long pause] It's something that
breaks patterns. So all of a sudden you're

seeing yourself in a way that you haven't. 171

PLAYBOY

172

really known for a while. It makes you
new. To get through our lives, we're so
attached to patterns that become more
and more complicated cach second. We
set up зо many restrictions on what we
think and feel. Every time I see those pat-
terns broken in myself, I'm in love. It
could be a person, a place, a new way of
seeing the sky.

12.

PLAvBOY: Do you prefer garter belts or
panty hose?

HUTION: I don't think I should talk
about my collection of garter belts to the
public. It's too rare, and other collectors
will be trying to buy it.

13.
тілуноу: What do you consider most
attractive about yourself?
nurron: My old man says I have spunk
and spirit. I guess that must be it.

14.
pLaynoy: Why haven't you married?
поттох: 1 was afraid of a question like
that. Well. because I didn't want to get
divorced. My mother was divorced when
I was an infant. It was a major tragedy
of my life. I didn’t even know my father,
for whom I was named. I will miss that
for the rest of my lile. 1 don't ever want
to do it to anyone else. For me, marr
s lor children. Otherwise, you're married
in your heart. Гус been with someone
for a very long time. And if we're not
married, I don't know who is. But for
the actual thing, I don't know if I could
stand the idea of being hooked.

15.
piaynoy: Did you feel that way from the
beginning of your relationship, or grow
into it?

HUTTON: He taught me. Wait a minute.
No, I felt that way since I was 13. Im
not supposed to talk about him. He hates
it. I miss him. I's been two weeks and Im
getting crazy. But I must say that when
І was very first in love, I suddenly saw
big white dresses and little engagement
rings. They were all the things I had felt
very much above when I was growing ир
in the South, I would get rushes of dates.
because boys thought I believed in free
love. And then, when I didn't come
across, I didn't get asked again. I didn't
know why guys were jumping on me;
perfect strangers at football games or
hamburger stands taking а lunge at me.
I guess it was because I had told some
girlfriends that I certainly wasn't going
to be a virgin when I got married. It was
a very hot idea for the time. But it came
from all my reading, not from someone
telling me. But I think that every girl
around 93 or 24, whenever it is that you
truly make that connection with some-
one—if you're that young, I think bells
go off. We really are nesters. And for a
woman to say “I never want childrer
just watch out. We've got 50,000 years of
history to contend with. But when a com-
mitment is of the heart, it's purer. It's
more faith in youself. People separate
because they change and grow in differ-
ent directions. Thats natural. Гуе met
someone who, despite all the changes
we've gone through, is still interested in
the same things 1 am. I lucked out.
16.

PLAyBoy: What do you like to do?

nurron: Well . . . el. It's always
been my fi . I've been all
over the world. Traveling really helps
my perspective. I did a lot of reading as

a kid. I thought America had real luxury
that other countries didn’t. But that's
not true. I went to Morocco and the liv-
ing was unbelievably sensuous and erotic.
Eating under the stars while little kids
entertain you, Flowers big as dinner
plates. Lying on cushions, eating out of
communal bowl. America is all

We've gotten very much awa
and become dependent on machines.
One wonders what happened to the flesh.
And 1 love animals. The whole thing. I
even collect bugs.
P 17.
PLavuoy: When people sce you on the
ect, how do they react to you?

юттом: On my time off, I'm seldom
duded up, and because I've lived in the
Village for 14 years now, everybody is
used to seeing me around іп sneakers
and a T-shirt. However, every once in a
nge happens. For
go, 1 was
walking down Madison Avenue and
someone started yelling my name from
across the street. I put on a little speed,

but he caught up with me. He was a very
distinguished-looking man in his late 30s,
with a three-piece suit and a briefcase,

which he flung. I immediately liked him
because it out of kilter with his drag.
Anyway, he got very excited and flung
his case down on the ground and ripped
it open and started telling me that he
would freeze me for fr He said he'd
written letters to me but didn't know
where to send them, that this was his
great moment. He was a guy who had a
cryonics bin out on Long Island—a big
cylinder—and there were 12 slots but
only three filled up. He wanted to give
me—well, І can't call it a life member-
But any time I wanted to get
frozen, he was ready. That was funny.
18.
Do you own any beach-front

PLAYBO:
property?

nurrox: I own nothing. Seriously. No
car, nothing. If you're thinking it looks
good on my taxes, forget it. I get nailed
every ycai

19.
What's the etiquette for your

PLAYEO)
tooth cap?

HUTTON: I put
a character I'm doing who would use it.
I used it for Revlon because they wanted

in when I think there's

it. I'm not sure I would continue using it.
20.

pLaytoy: How does a girl like you get

to bea girl like you?

HUTTON: Thats a good question. Keep
your cyes closed and your mouth shut.
No. Keep your eyes closed and your
mouth open. 1 don't know. Curiosity,

probably.

"Experts Paul Masson Cabernet Sa on
isa road nire wine, with nice E.
What they're trying to say is...it tastes good?”

по wine before its time.

PLAYBOY

A Sister 220 Self (continued from page 146)

“Not only do we have the same taste in clothes,’ says
Cybil, ‘we both crave frozen yogurt and pretzels,

this pictorial. We are not at all surprised
at the impact of these double images.
Twins have always held a special fascina-
tion for mankind. In some primitive
societies, they are venerated; in others,
slain. And for almost a century, they
have been the primary test subjects for
scientists sceking to solve the controver-
in: Which has more influence
on the forming of personality—heredity
ronment? (Otherwise known in
scientific circles as the nature-versus-
nurture dispute.) Probably the most fas-
cinating rescarch involving twins is now
being conducted at the University of
Minnesota by a team headed by psy-
chologist Thomas Bouchard. So far,
Bouchard has assembled exhaustive phy
ical psychological and biographical in-
ventories of 15 sets of twins who were
raised apart and, in many cases, had
never met before their first visit. to
Bouchard's laboratory. It will take five
years or more for Bouchard's research
team (which includes six psychologists,
two psychiatrists and nine other medical
consultants) to analyze completely all the
data they've collected so far; but already
they've found remarkable similarities be-
tween the twins who've entered the pro-
gram. One of several equally amazing
examples is the case of Bridget and
Dorothy, 39-year-old twins who met for
the first time when they joined the study.
At their first meeting, each wore seven
rings, two bracelets оп one wrist and а
watch and a bracelet on the other. Each
has а son, one named Richard Andrew
and the other Andrew Richard. Each has
а daughter, one named Catherine Louise,
the other Kar Another pair,
both named Jim, named their sons James
Allan and James Alan. Both work p:
time as deputy sheriffs, own Chevys and
have dogs named Toy. And both mar-
ried and divorced women named Linda,
then married women named Betty.
Bouchard, who originally set out to
find out how the environment works to
shape psychological traits, admits, "I
ly expected far more differences
n we've found so far.
We thought it might be interesting to
take some of the early data from
Bouchard’s research and compare it with
the experiences of our four pairs of
t raised ар:
twins report
nilar physiological traits. Sheila and
Moira Stone say they're both "practically
the right eye.” "In fact,” says
Sheila, “I can use Moira's glasses.” Cybil
and Tricia Barnstable were involved in

174 an 1-year study of twins at the Univer-

sity of Louisville when they were young-
sters and Cybil says, “They ground our
baby teeth down 32 levels and our teeth
were identical, all the way. Ordinarily,
any similarity in physical structure be-
tween two people doesn't go more than
18 levels. At lea
They also found that our chromosomal
make-up vas identi

Bouchard s;
tling regularity, display

“coincidental”

behavior: Both will buy the same gift,
piece of furniture or article of clothing,
without the oth и. That

occurs with high frequency among twins
who are raised together, but Bouchard
found simila ases with twins raised
apart. An example from his research
came from two middle-aged women who
reported that when they were children,
they were brought together briefly to
meet each other and found that they
were wearing the same dress.

Our more familiar with
coincidental behavior. Tricia Barnstable
recounts, “Once, Cyb and I were sepa-
rated for about four months and when
we got together again, we both rushed to
the sterco to play the other one a song—
the same song. One time, I went to
California and Су! nt to New York.
I bought a blouse and when I got to-
gether with Cyb again and took it out
to show her, she'd bought the same
blouse."

Piper and Tara Pei
eral times when they
bought the same clothes. But perhaps
the strangest story of all comes from the
Barnstables. “Once, when I was
Angeles and Trish was in Chica
Cybil recalls, “we both fell down a flight
of stairs the same day at the same
And we both hurt a leg.”

twins were

y also recall sev-
ге been apart and

its. The “Jim” twins have diae
cal smoking and drinking р
both chew their fingernails to the quicks.
Another pair Bouchard studied, Oskar
and Jack, though raised in Germ
and Trinidad, respectively, both like
spicy foods and sweet liqueurs, read
magazines from back to front, store rub-
ber bands on thei ists, flush the toilet
before using it and dip buttered toast in
their coffee.

Sheila and Moira Stone admit to hav-
ing certain tastes in common. “We both
like the same Kinds ets foods,” ee Moira,

the only alcohol we'll dri
Cybil and Tricia say their eating hab-

its are identical. “Not only do we have
the same taste in clothes,” says Cybil,
“we both crave frozen yogurt and pret
zels. We don't eat any meat but chicken,
and we both drink nothing but Diet
Pepsi. In fact, you. might say that’s our
yogurt, chicken, Diet Pepsi and
pretzels, morning, noon and night." It
must be said. however, that identical
twins also differ in many significant ways.
The most common dissimilarity is that
one twin is an introvert while the other
is an extrovert, Bouchard's research team
has found that one twin is more likely
than the other to be aggressive and out-
going. That observation is corroborated
by what our twins tell us about the
differences between them.

Sheila Stone says,
more outgoing of us. And I like to dress
up more. I love wcaring spiked heels;
you can't get me out of them. Moira you
can hardly ever get out of tennis shoes
or boots. I get hit on more often, but
men seem to fall madly in love with
Moira more oft

Tara and Piper Perry also confess to
the extrovert-introvert syndrome. "We're
different in many says Piper. “1
e to party and Tara is more the home-
body type. She's punctual and I’m late.
She's а vegetable and fruit eater and I'm
a meat eater. She's not much of a drink-
er, but I drink.”

Leigh Harris says she’s generally late,
while Lyn is punctual, and describes her-
self little more extroverted” than
her

think Fm the

s “а
ster.

1 Barnstable is of the opinion that
are too much alike, it's un-
healthy. "f think a twin has to assert
her individuality. If twins can't do that,
it сап become crippling to both of
them." It should also be noted that, ex-
cept for the Barnstables, all of our twins
id they had different men.

Our favorite twin however,
comes from Tara Perry, who says she
and Piper were shopping together once
in a department store, and both women
went into dressing rooms to try on an

outfit they were considering wearing on-
stage during their singing act. “When 1
came out of the dressing room, I asked

Piper if she liked the outfit enough to
buy it. She didn't answer me. So I asked
her again and she still didn’t answer ше.
Т was beginning to get annoyed when 1
noticed the saleslady dying laughing.
Then I realized that Piper hadn't come
out of the changing room yet. I was
talking to a full-length mirror.

AIL of which is to warn you: If you're
dating a twin, be careful. If you aren't
observant, you could get into a double
nd. Unless, of course, you're an iden-
tical twin, too. Then you risk a quad-
ruple bind. Which reminds us of
quadruplets. But that's another story.

M WE WANT TO
а GET LAID

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THAT'S ENOUGH
FOREPLAY.

175

176

THROUGH SPACE AND TIME
WITH

SCHWIMMER

AND

TODAY, WE FIND OUR
HEROES ON A

7 GRIXBY WISHES To SEE
MILITARY ЕШЕЫЛ
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178

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AND LACE FRINGE, (|

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1 PRACTICE NUTRITIONAL THERAPY! 1 WOULDN'T TOUCH FRUITS AND
1 NEVER EAT MEAT FULL OF DES VEGETABLES LOADED WITH
HORMONES _ CEREALS SATURATED CHEMICAL FERTILIZERS AND

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OR PROCESSED REFINED
CARBOHYDRATES WITH ADDITIVES,
TOXICS AND СОГОВІМС AGENTS

АСКАС!
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I DON'T BELIEVE SUCKING ON
SOME SILICONE WOULD BE ALL
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BUT, FOR THE NONCE, LET'S

PLAYBOY

180

Liquor of the Laia

(continued from page 112)

“There are five levels of Scotch in stores: bulks, pre-
miums, super premiums, ultrapremiums, malts.”

few holdouts was our own United States.
The smoky potion didn't establish a toe
hold here until the late Forties, after
World War Two. Even then it was an
Eastern phenomenon, and a status sip,
seen in posh cafes frequented by trendies.
Only a handful of brands were avail-
able—and they were essentially one style.
Contrast that with the current situation.
Today we have hundreds of labels to
choose from, and devotees cin browse
through a maze of Scotch bottlings at any
well-stocked emporium.

Even more inuiguing, Scotch is no
longer monolithic, As blending and dis-
tilling techniques became more refined,
producers expanded the range of their
offerings by jockeying such key factors as
proportion of malts to grain whiskies,
types of шай in the blend, age of the
whiskies and nature of the cooperage.

By now, there are four or five identi-
fiable levels of Scotch on liquors
shelves: bulk whiskies, premium b
superpremiums, ultrapremiums and
malts. These variations on the theme
present interesting possibilities to the ad-
venturous palate and the host with a

flair for entertaining. The following
overview should raise your Scotch con-
sciousness and increase the joy of your
Scotch experience. (For a fuller listing of
brands, prices and applications, refer to
Playboy's Guide to Scotch, opposite.)

Bulk Scotches are whiskies distilled
and blended in Scodand, shipped in
barrels and bottled in Stateside plants.
They tend to be very light and have the
smallest ratio of malt to grain whisky.
The relatively modest tab may reflect
savings in production and handling, as
well ts lower proofs and profit margins.
Bulks account for one of every three bot-
tles of Scotch we imbibe, and they
not to be disparaged. Inver House, Pass
port and Usher's Green Stripe are the
leading bulkshipped brands in this
country.

Labels of authentic premium brands
bear the legend DISTILLED, BLENDED AND
BOTTLED IN scortAND. The operative
word here is bottled. Distilled and blend-
ed in Scotland, alone, doesn't make it.
Until the bulks emerged. some 20 years
ago, premiums had the field to them-
selves, and they're still the largest cate-

“But first, tell me, Mr. Cartright, how
do you feel about E.R.A 2"

gory. J&B Rare, Dewar's White Label,
Cutty Sark and Johnnie Walker Red
Label get the biggest plays.

The superpremiums started to come
on in the Seventies, and they're still
coming. They're suave bottlings, cost-
licr than premiums, but you can taste
the difference. The generous ladng of
malt whisky imparts depth and а pal-
pable malt tang to the blend. Twelve
years or better in the cask rounds and
mellows the superprems. Chivas Regal
and Johnnie Walker Black Label are
the leading brands in case sales.

The ulwapremiums ше distillers’
showpicces—more like individual gems
than a category. The hallmark of this
group is age. A number come in artful
ceramic or crystal decanters and make
alluring, enduring gifts. Between the
aged whiskies and the attractive con-
tainers, ultrapremiums can be quite
dear—they're available in limited quan-
es, with a ng list of customers.
Chivas Royal Salute is way out front and
Ballantine's 30 Year is a distant second.

Lusty, unblended Scotch malt whisky is
in a class by itself—the ingredient that
gives Scotch character to a blend. The
term SINGLE Or SINGLE MALT on a label
means the contents are all from the same
distillery. In practice, straight malts are
usually singles. The most esteemed are
those from the Highlands; The Glenlivet
and Glenfiddich are popular brands. The
heavily aromatic Laphroaig is typical of
Islay malts, while Talisker, from the Isle
of Skye, neatly spans the gap between
elegant Highland distillates and pungent
Islays.

‘The uh

е plateau in Scotch appre-
ciation is the complete Scotch bar. It's
no trouble to set one up, and no vast
expense. You'll want a representative
from each of the blend types— including
an ultrapremium—plus a malt from the
Highlands and one from Islay or Skye.
With that, and the drink temptations
that follow, you're ready for some seri-
ous sipping.

BAGPIPE

14 ozs. Scotch

1 oz. apricot liqueur

1 tablespoon lemon juice

2 ors. grapefruit juice

Pour all ingredients over ice in old
fashioned glass; stir well.

RED LION

2 ors. Scotch

2 ors. orange juice

% oz. lemon juice

% оғ. lime juice

1 teaspoon superfine sugar

Lime slice

Maraschino cherry

Briskly shake whisky, orange, lemon
and lime juices and sugar with cracked
ice. Strain over fresh ice in large old

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Spring Fashion Breakthrough

There are no dull games in our Center Court" sportswear.

fashioned glass. Decorate glass with lime
slice and maraschino cherry. Serve at
once.

Note: If you prefer a drier drink, cut
back on the sugar. If you like it sweeter,
add a bit more sugar or grenadine.

SCOTCH STING

114 ozs. Scotch

34 oz. white crème de menthe

Shake briskly with ice. Strain into
cocktail glass or over fresh ice in wine-
glass.

BALMORAL BULLSHOT

134 ozs. Scotch.

3 ozs. beef bouillon

Lemon wedge

Sprig parsley

Pour Scotch and bouillon over ice in
old fashioned glass. Squeeze lemon into
glass, add rind; stir. Garnish with parsley.

MALTED MILK

1 oz. Scotch malt whisky

1 teaspoon honey, or to taste

4 ozs. milk

Nutmeg

Shake whisky, honey and milk vigor-
ously with cracked ісе. Strain over fresh
ice in highball glass. Sprinkle lightly with
nutmeg.

LOCH NESS MONSTER

A monster-size drink that can easily go
for two.

3 ozs. Scotch

1 oz. Scotch liqueur

¥, oz. medium-dry sherry (Amontillado)

Slice lime, slice lemon

Pour all ingredients but fruit over ice
in large old fashioned glass. Stir until well
chilled. Decorate with lime and lemon or
fresh fruit in season.

TALL MAC TAVISH.

114 ozs. Scotch

34 oz. Campari

8 to 4 ozs. tonic, or to taste

Orange wedge

Pour Scotch and Campari over ice in
tall glass; stir. Add tonic. Squeeze orange
wedge into glass; stir quickly.

RED KILT

2 ozs. Scotch

3 ors. V-8 (vegetable-juice cocktail)

2 dashes each Worcestershire, Tabasco

Lemon wedge

Pour Scotch and V-8 over ice in old
fashioned glass. Add Worcestershire and
‘Tabasco. Squeeze lemon wedge into glass,
add rind; stir well.

CHURCHILL

114 ozs. Scotch

1% oz. sweet vermouth

% ог. orange liqueur

34 o7. lime juice

Lime wedge

Shake all but lime with ice. Strain

into cocktail glass. Garnish with lime
wedge.

GOLDEN SPIKE

11% ozs. Scotch

34 oz. Lemonier liqueur

Lemon slice

Shake whisky and Lemonier briskly
with cracked ice, to combine, Strain into
prechilled cocktail glass. Hang lemon

slice on rim of glass and serve.

Do something different: Invite a
quorum of quaffing companions over for
an informal Scotch tasting—say three
or four different types. Then go on to a
sampling of mixed drinks. All in the
interest of education, you understand—
and good, clean fun!

PLAYBOY’S GUIDE TO SCOTCH

The answer to “Which Scotch for what purpose:
tails pertinent to the genre are given below. Be aware that prices apply to
the 750-ml. bottle (25.4 ounces) and are ball-park figures. They can, and do, vary
according to outlet, locale and even season.

Bulk Whisky

Proof: Most bulks are 80 proof, but a number are 86 proof, and some brands
come in both 80 proof and 86 proof. It pays to check the label!

Price Range: $5.25-$6.25.

Brands: Vat 69 Gold, Clan MacGregor, John Begg Blue Cap,
Bulloch Lades B & L, Bellows, Glen Rossie, Peter Dawson,
Lauder's, Old Smuggler, Lang's, Martin's V.V.O., Grand Macnish, Catto's Gold
Labcl—as well as Passport, Inver House and Usher's Green Stripe, previously

mentioned.

Application: Етіпепіу mixable; ideal for cocktails, highballs and mists. Light,

agreeable sip poured over ice.

Premium Scotch
Proof: 86 proof and 868 proof.
Price Range: 58-59.

and other definitive de-

George IV,
King James,

Brands: Ambassador, Teacher's Highland Cream, Vat 69 Traditional, White
Horse, Black & White, Ballantine's, The Famous Grouse, Grant's Stand Fast 8,

Bell’s Extra Special, Desmond & Duff, Whyte & Mackay Special—as well

Dewar's White Label, J&B Rare, Johnnie Walker Red Label and Cutty Sark.
Application: Used in mixed drinks as the bulks are, but tilt is to pour over

rocks and in highballs.

Superpremiums
Proof: 86 proof and 86.8 proof.
Price Range: $12 and up.

Brands: Cutty 12, Dewar's 12 Ancestor, Grant’s Royal, Haig & Haig Pinch,
James Martin's DeLuxe, Grand Old Parr, Royal Ages, The Antiquary, Bell's
Royal Vat, Buchanan's 12 Year, “Ne Plus Ultra"—as well as Chivas Regal and

Johnnie Walker Black Label.

Application: Superb mixers, but considering their price and rich, mellow tone,
most people will take them over ice or with a light splash of water.

Ultrapremiums
Proof: 80 proof and 86.8 proof.

Price Range: 520-575, or more—depending on packaging.
Brands: Bell's Royal Reserve, Grant's Own Ancient Reserve, Whyte & Mackay
21 Year, Johnnie Walker Swing, Ambassador Twenty-Five, James Martin's Fine

& Rare, Royal Heritage 21 Year—as well as Chivas Royal

30 Year.

alute and Ballantine's

Application: These venerable citizens deserve to be sipped reflectively with an
intimate friend. They are, as well, destined to be gifts—for the man or miss who

has everything else.

Scotch Malt Whisky

Proof: Most are 86 proof or 86.8 proof, but some go higher.

Price: $15 a bottle, or a bit more.

Brands: МасаПап, Mortlach, Glendullan, John Begg Lochnagar, Dewar's Malt,
Cardhu Highland Malt, Glenmorangie (favored in the homeland), Tomintoul
Glenlivet, Glen Grant Glenlivet, Capercaillie Blended Malt—as well as Glen-
fiddich and The Glenlivet, Laphroaig and Talisker.

Application: Compared to cognac by aficionados, malts are often served neat or
with a tot of water. A splash of malt whisky, preferably in a snifter, is a canny

way to capa grand dinner.

181

KAWASAKI GIVET

Into a world of motorcycles that have lost their
way. Amid soaring weight and multiplying valves,
Kawasaki introduces a concept in engineering far
more advanced than them all: Simplicity.

Witness the KZ750LTD. Built like its acclaimed
brother, the 750 Standard. The bike that Cycle
Guide said, `. . . assaults high speeds with intelli-
gence and finesse rather than bulk and brute

strength” Intelligence starts with the
engine. Its two valve per cylinder design
and narrow configuration contribute

to an overall weight that's 50 pounds
lighter than its closest competitor.

It delivers more net horsepower
per pound. And something else:
reliability. Simpler is better.

BY TAKING AWAY.

But simpler isn't always easier to achieve. Take include electronic ignition. Нв handling, supported
the chassis, a product of advanced stress analysis by a fully tunable suspension system. And its
techniques and computer welding systems that a performance.
few years ago didnt exist.The result is a design that's Allin all, the 750LTD is unequaled, and not

light in weight, yet uncompromised in strength. soon to be challenged. -
: Everything about the If that sounds a little Kawasaki
p 75011 is unsurpassed. righteous-so be it. Let the good times roll.
2 қ Its features, which

PLAYBOY

184

JAMES GARNER (continued from page 158)

Purple Hearts in Korea, so you must have
seen a good deal of combat.

GARNER: Damn, how do you know all that?
Did you do a little homework or some-
thing? Actually, I didn't trade fire with
the enemy more than six or seven days,
but they were really long, bad days. I got
wounded the second day 1 was in Korea. I
was bringing up the rear of a patrol and
1 got hit with shrapnel in my hand and
the edge of my eye, so 1 went back to an
aid station and I started picking out these
little bits of metal while looking in the
mirror of a jeep. Some captain ran up to
me and said, “Don’t do that! Go inside
the aid station and we'll get you a Purple
Heart" So I went inside and I was
awarded one on my record. The second
time was a lot more serious. I was part of
the Fifth Regimental Combat Team and
we were overrun on a ridge line one night
by waves of Chinese. Out of 130 guys, I
think we had no more than 40 people
left the next morning. We retreated all
night long, and about 6:30 the next
morning, we connected with another unit,
just in time to watch our Navy fighters
blowing the shit out of the Chinese posi-
tions. We were all shouting things like,
“АП right, go get ‘em, gang!” and right
about then, an AT-6 spotter plane flew
over us and because we didn’t have our
orange air panels, the observation plane
told the fighters about this troop concen-
tation he'd just seen. Next thing we
knew, Navy Panther jets were firing 20-
millimeter rockets at us. I immediately got
hit in the butt and my rifle was blown up.
When a rocket hits, it sprays white phos-
phorus in all directions, and rather than
stick around, I jumped out of my foxhole
and ran off the side of a cliff. God, I must
have rolled 100 yards down, end over end.
] dislocated my shoulder and tore up both
my knees. Meanwhile, the jets were still
firing away and their rockets were hitting
rocks and bouncing around the side of the
hill, which made me remember the line.
“It ain't the one with your name on it, it's
the one to whom it may concern that you
have to worry about" A Rok soldier
had also rolled down there, and he was hit
a little worse than Га been; he had white
phosphorus down his neck and back and
you could tell it was smarting a little,
“cause that stuff burns. Because of my
knees, I could hardly move, but we finally
dragged ourselves back up the side of this
steep hill—and no one was there!
PLAYBOY: Where had everybody gone?
GARNER: That’s what J wanted to know! I
mean, I'd have gone with them. Me and
this South Korcan were now alone on top
of the hill, and he didn't speak any Eng-
lish and I didn't speak any Korean. It
didn’t seem like a smart thing to stick
around, so we began following the moun-
tain ridge line south, hoping we could

catch up to our retreating column. I fi-
nally recognized the valley we'd come up
the day belore and I looked at the Rok
and said, "South, that's where we're go-
ing.” He still had his rifle and 1 was wear-
ing my helmet, and as we walked down
the hill into the valley, I looked over to
my right and maybe 150 yards away, we
spotted a big group of soldiers—and they
weren't ours. We saw them and they saw
us, and this South Korean and I walked
right by all these North Korean troops.
The only thing I could ever figure out was
that, since the Rok soldier was carrying
a rifle, they thought he was one of them
and that 1 was his prisoner. It took us six
hours before we heard what we both knew
were American tanks, and at that mo-
ment, the Rok soldier gave me the rifle
and gestured for me to give him my
helmet. He was obviously afraid our guys
might think he was a North Korean who
had the drop on me, That guy really
picked up on all of it better than I did.
PLAYBOY: How badly were you hurt?
GARNER: Oh, I had phosphorus burns on

————
"I also worked asa
roughneck in oil fields
in Texas and Oklahoma.

I never stayed anywhere
more than three or
four months at a time."
———

my backside, but they weren't too serious.
І was more worried about my knees:
When I got to the hospital, they'd swollen
up like balloons. After I got out, I did
nine months in Japan with a base postal
office. That part of the war was fun for
me, because I became a dog robber, which
is what I played in The Americanization
of Emily. Guys in the Army like their
mail and they become very unhappy if
they don't get it. Well, I decided to spruce
up our unit, and if they didn't give me
what we needed, they didn’t get their mail.
The base post office was stationed in a
bombed-out shoe factory, and I turned it
into a showplace. In exchange for their
mail, other units got us the materials to
build a bar and then kept it stocked with
whiskey. Nobody over there had ice ex-
cept us, courtesy of the Graves Registra-
tion Unit. I built us a theater in the
biggest room in the shoe factory, got а
baseball diamond laid out, got us hot
water and showers, and my crowning
achievement was a swimming pool. Now,
that took genius. The smallest room in

the shoe factory was the basement, so we
cleaned it all out, whitewashed it, cement-
ed the floor, put a ladder up the side and
filled that sucker up with water. 1 went
backto the States a reasonably happy man.
Before I got out of the Army, I took a
high school equivalency test and I got my
diploma, plus credit for two years of col-
lege. After visiting my dad in California
for a few months, I went back to Norman
and enrolled in the University of Okla-
homa. I thought I could play college foot-
ball, but my knees were too mesed up.
Instead, I hung around the pool hall after
classes, racking balls, stealing what I could
from the register, collecting my $20 a
weck in veteran's benefits and picking up
a little change on the side by playing
hearts. bridge and snooker.
PLAYBOY: Were you a hustler?
GARNER: Let's just say I wasn't bad.
Several years ago, I beat Minnesota
Fats two out of three games of eight ball.
Anyway, I dropped out of college after
one semester, but at least I finished it
with a B average. About six months later,
Y went back to California, and for a
year or so, I worked for my dad, bang-
ing down carpets. And then fate really
stepped in and I became an actor.
PLAYBOY: Did you come down with an
overnight case of stage fever?
GARNER: Oh, no, nothing like that. It
really was fate, or at least coincidence.
Remember І told you I went to Holly-
wood High for a while? Well, after
school, I'd worked in a Shell service
station on Hollywood Boulevard, just
down the block from the Gotham Drug
Store. A soda jerk in the drugstore
named Paul Gregory used to buy his gas
from me, and every time he'd drive іп,
he'd tell me how he was going to be a
producer. He once came in and said
that I was a natural for the part of
Li'l Abner and that he wanted to be my
agent So now we fade out and I'm
coming back from Korea and I pick up
a Time and I see where a play called
Don Juan in Hell, starring Agnes Moore-
head and Charles Laughton, has been
produced by Paul Gregory. I thought,
Well, good for him, and then I didn't
think any more abou
Paul had always said, “You really
ought to be an actor, Jim,” but Га
never paid any attention fo it. Well, one
day, I was driving up La Brea and I
noticed a building that said, PAUL
GREGORY AND ASSOCIATES. I'd seen it
before, but it had never really hit me.
Since I was thinking about getting into
a career, I thought about going in to
see him. Heres the part where [ate
steps in: If I get an urge to do some-
thing but it's not convenient to do it, I
won't. Well, there was a parking space
in front of Paul's building—and if that
space hadn't been there, I would never
(continued on page 192)

HESE DAYS, it isn't easy
for a man to know exactly
when he's made it in the
business world. A name on
the door and a Bigelow
on the floor are out. Ex-
pense and travel perks, a
company car and a gor-
geous secretary aren't the
success indicators they
once were. So how do you
know when you're really
important? When your
work load justifies your
company's installing in
your office suite (or home)
the brand-new $100,000
Teleportation Unit, an

Welcome to the future.
What you're looking at is
the view from the control
panel of the 1981 Telepor-
tation Unit, designed by
Doug Michels and Richard
Jost. The two architects
built this prototype in the
home of a Houston invest-
ment banker, and if you
have a spare $100,000
lying around, they can
build one for you, too. And
what do you get for your
money? Well, to begin with,
the obvious: an 80-inch
sion screen and a

incredible all-purpose com-
puterized media room.
What does it do? Well, it
dissolves the already
thinning line between
American work and play.
Installed in your office, it
could make it easy for you
to forget to go home.
(That's what your company
would be banking on, no
doubt.) Installed in your
home, it could save you gas
money, obviating the need
for your physical presence
at the office. It would also
enable you to negotiate
heavy deals in your
pajamas, which we all
know is the ultimate perk.
"The Teleportation Unit
was designed by architects
Doug Michels and Richard
Jost, from New York and
Houston, respectively. The
result looks like a cross
between a space module
and a small, plush theater.
So plush, in fact, that in
addition to being a great
place to do business, it's a
great place for seduction.
It seduced us, at any rate.
We want one.

At right, the Teleportation
Unit turns into a boogie room
with the aid of a disc in the

Apple computer programmed
to translate music into pulsing
patterns of colored lights on
the giant display screen. As

it in the elevated white

ien choir òt the control

board, an amazing assortment
of communications ond
computer hardwore is at your
finger tips. The computer
comes with data processor,
printer ond disc memory, and
it's hooked up to the video
projector, data screen, а
video-cossette recorder and
an audio system with four
stereo speakers (built into the
wall for wraparound sound).
The audio system feotures
your regulor television
stotions, a hookup to 40
cable TV systems around the
country, a Bang & Olufsen
AM/FM radio tuner, tope
deck ond turntable. The
nearly soundproof room is
covered, top to bottom, in
gray-blue wool with motching
carpeting. Cushioned seating
is provided at the front for 12.
So bring your flight crew ond
teleport them into tomorrow.

PHOTOGRAPHY BY PETER AARON

peu Р j
Em NO RUM REFLECTS
PUERTO RICO |
LIKE RONRICO.

Puerto Rico is the Rum Island, the
world's foremost rum-producing
region. And Ronrico is the rum—au-
thentic Puerto Rican rum since 1860. | ج‎
Ronricos smooth, light taste has |
been the pride of six generations of
Puerto Rican rum masters. One sip

RU Will tell you why. |
> RONRICO: AUTHENTIC |

UML (25.4 FL.02). RUM OF PUERTO RICO.

T
== MS
29

ATE IN PUEKIOW)

as.

PLAYBOY’S PIPELINE

MAN & WOMAN

TIPS ON KEEPING YOUR LIFESTYLE IN HIGH GEAR

DATING AS AN ADULT

Single men often complain they don’t
get enough of some things, but dating
advice is not one of them. Instructions
come from their mothers, from news-
paper columnists, from friends who
scored in singles bars last week—every-
body. But Abby Hirsch is one dating
expert with a difference; she seriously
spends her days listening to war stories
from the dating front. Her company,
"The Godmothers, Ltd., is an exclusive,
New York-based dating service that
charges $250 to match men and women
with their ideal companions, and busi-
ness is booming. “What we offer basi
cally, is the three best dates of your life,’
she says directly. "Our clients are attrac
tive, articulate men and women of all
ages who are often too proud, too suc-
cessful or simply too busy for other kinds
of dating services.” In short, she is to dating what Escoffier was
to sauces, and her advice on how to behave with the opposite
sex carries some clout, enough so that she has opened operations
in Washington, Boston, Philadelphia and Chicago.

DATING DOS AND DON'TS—GROWN-UP DIVISION
Here is the Godmother on how to be a perfect date: One, Do
not complain about or even discuss former relationships unless
you are under direct questioning or duress. It is also not neces-
sary to tell your life history on the first, second or third date.
Two, Do have a sense of humor. “Women say all men ате too
serious about themselves,” says Hirsch. “If you can make some-
one laugh, she'll always be your friend. Besides, laughter is а
great aphrodisiac.” Three, Do not have a check list of any kind.
“You should not automatically accept or reject someone on the
basis of the first date,” she advises. “After all, what may appear
to be a woman's first concern is not necessarily what's last on
her mind. Everyone has to be more flexible.” Four, Listen to a
woman. Endlessly. Genuinely. Don't be interesting, be interested.
In case you are wondering about the biggest question of all,
the Godmother advises that it is OK to have sex on the first
date, and it's also OK not to. “Just make sure you don't sleep
with anyone you don’t want to hear from the next day,” she
cautions. “Most of my clients assume that if everything else falls
into place, sex will be good, too, so they aren't that worried about
" As for making the first move, however, the responsibility is
more clear-cut. “Most women are still uncomfortable about it
and would prefer that the man took the initiative," says Hirsch.

THEY'LL TAKE ROMANCE

Half of the Godmother's cients are women, and she claims
that they still like romantic men.

“Men all think of themselves as romantics, but they don't do
anything about it,” she complains. “They internalize romance
and never translate it into things women understand, like
flowers or a phone call in the middle of the day. Nothing flashy
is needed—just any kind of surprise or consideration. Small

things alone can make a relationship
last a long time, and a little bit of
romance can still make a woman swoon.”

When it comes to things women do
not like about men, the criteria are just
as straightforward. For example, Hirsch
has noticed that eccentrics are definitely
out. "Women do not want dull men,"
she says, "but they also don't want the
abrasiveness of the Sixties generation."
"The man in search of himself does not
get as much attention as the man who
has found himself, she warns. "Also,
women are put off by men who seem
defeated. They don't want to buy into а
whole package of problems."

And what about the flip side? What
do men dislike in women? “The biggest
complaint men have is that women
don't know what they want," she says
emphatically. "Women tend to accept ог
reject someone on the first date. If they
accept him immediately, they compound that blunder by plan-
ning their next three weekends together before the night is
over." Men also complain that women don't seem to have time
for them, that they often avoid commitments to men by using
the old male excuse of “I'm too busy at the office to get involved
with you.”

What should women do to make men feel wanted?

"A woman should cook dinner for а man," she states flatly.
“The most popular woman in our service works asa baker. Also,
she should try to make a man feel comfortable intellectually.
Finally, she should be able to pack in five minutes."

When the Godmother has a failure in mating clients, it's often
a matter of chemistry. She has learned that mixing smokers with
nonsmokers or pet lovers with pct haters is impossible. “Collid-
ing lifestyles are always a problem," she sighs. "Disco versus
antidisco, for example, or sloppy versus neat. I'm developing
my ‘fingernail theory of compatibility.’ The world is divided
into men who don’t like polished fingernails and those who do.
1 think polished fingernails conjure up a lifestyle that men
either immediately like or immediately dislike.”

Daters are always testing cach other; they are constantly
negotiating. They sometimes settle for: "You make me fecl
comfortable; therefore, I'm going to like you." On the other
hand, some of Hirsch's male clients are not content with mere
comfort. They say, “My life is good and I want it better.”
Hirsch encourages both parties to know what they really want,
and to know when they've got it.

And although she claims she started "The Godmothers as a
lark, matching her friends just for the fun of it, being respon-
sible for the lives of her clients seems to have had a sobering
effect on her. "Romance is a creative art," she muses. "Our
clients have a romantic ideal when they come in, and the biggest
obstacle to their own happiness is feeling that there is always
someone better around the corner. Expectations have a way of
sabotaging things and we've got to get people out of that kind
of thinking." TOM PASSAVANT

189

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PLAYBOY’S PIPELINE

WHEN TO LEASE AN AUTO

TIPS ON KEEPING YOUR LIFESTYLE IN HIGH GEAR

our next new car—should you

buy it or lease it? For a grow-

ing number of drivers, the an-
swer is lease. Corporations are the most |) |
frequent leasers, but leasing by private
drivers has jumped 179 percent in the
past decade, making it the industry's БАЙ
fastest growing segment. Basically, a lease f
is a long-term car rental (usually one to
three years) and it can—for some driv-
ers—offer dollar savings. Auto dealers,
some banks and independent companies
such as Hertz, Avis end National all
handle leases. Shop around, because
deals vary.

A LEASE IS A LEASE IS A... .
Leases are of two distinct breeds:
Open-End Lease: Monthly payments

are lowest with this type, but you're

gambling; when the lease expires, the

Company may owe you money or you

may оме it, depending on the car's trade-in value. When you

sign an open-end lease, the company will estimate the car's

worth when the lease is up one, two or three years thence. 1!

estimates $2000, but the actual value turns out to be only $1500,

you owe it a $500 “balloon” payment to cover the difference. If
the car's worth is $2500, it owes you $500.

Under the Federal Consumer Leasing Act, before you sign to
Tease a car for personal use, the company must tell you how it
calculates balloon payments. And, at the lease's termination, you
can demand an estimate from an independent appraiser, binding
on both you and the company. Also, the law limits balloon
payments to no more than triple the monthly payment. For
example, if your monthly payment is $200, any final balloon
payment can't exceed three times $200—or $600.

Watch it, though: If the contract you sign (read it!) waives
your right to а balloon limit or if you put more than a stip-
ulated number of miles on the car, any final balloon payment
might be higher. Under the law, if the leasing company tries—
after the lease expires—to win a larger balloon payment through.
the courts, win or lose, the company must pay your attorney's fee.

Closed-End Lease: This version has higher monthly fees, but
it eliminates the gamble, because the car's ultimate trade-in
value is strictly the company's problem. As in open-end leases,
you're responsible only for damage to the car beyond normal
wear and tear. But you may have to pay extra for mileage
beyond a stipulated limit, such as 20,000 miles per year.

Maintenance and Insurance Options: With both kinds of
leases, you can choose from a range of maintenance agreements
making the leasing company responsible for the cars upkeep,
and you can also choose to insure the car through the leasing
company, especially if you can get low-cost group insurance.
These options result in higher monthly payments.

Which lease is best? According to R. J. Weishaar, who runs
Hertzs carleasing division, an open-end lease generally is best
if you're a driver who puts low mileage on a car. Then the
trade-in value is apt to be higher, giving you а good chance for a
rebate. If you run cars hard, averaging more than 20,000 miles per

ШЕТТЕП

year, a closed-end lease with full main-
tenance is probably your best deal. Some
companies now offer hybrid leases, elimi-
nating balloon payments but still giving
you part of the gain if the car's resale
value exceeds the estimate because of
inflation.

TO LEASE OR NOT TO LEASE?

Cash buying costs you the least, even
tallying in the interest you lose on the
$8000 or so you shell out for a car. But
if, like most buyers, you take out a loan,
the leascor-buy question gets iffier.

The beast in the bushes is deprecia-
tion—a new car's value nose-dives in the
first three years, then levels out. Thus,
the longer you keep a car, the less sense
leasing makes, because your average de-
preciation per year goes down. Keep а
car long enough and you extract most of
its value. But if you like your cars for-
ever young, trading in every year or two, you get walloped by
depreciation losses. Then leasing might save you some bucks.

An advantage of leasing is no down payment. But you'll prob-
ably have to ante up one or two months’ payments in advance,
plus, sometimes, а small security deposit. You get the deposit
back when you turn in the car (if it isn't banged up).

Beware of lessors who advertise spectacularly low monthly
payments—often they charge a nonrefundable payment up
front. Never sign a lease on the basis of the monthly payments
alone. Add up all the charges to see how the lease stacks up
against buying the car. For example, with a given lease, will you
have to pay for the car's registration? Do you owe sales tax on
the payments? How much is the charge for excess mileage?

THE BOTTOM LINE

You've decided on a car model and options. Now how do you
decide which is cheaper, buying or leasing?

On the leasing side of the ledger, figure in all of your costs,
such as the total of your monthly payments, sales taxes, interest
lost on the advance payments, and insurance, The potential bal-
loon payment and excess-mileage fee at the end of the lease are
hard to predict—probably, your best bet is to assume that both
will be zero. Subtract income from selling your old car (many
lessors will help you arrange the sale) and any tax savings.

In toting up the cost of owning the same car, figure the car's
purchase price minus trade-in and any discount you can wangle.
Add on the sales tax, delivery and dealer prep charges, the
finance charge for the loan, interest you lose on the down pay-
ment, insurance and any other costs. Subtract any tax savings,
such as deductions you can claim for interest paid on your loan.

Check whether or not the lease enables you to get discounts on
tires, batteries and other parts. Does the lease give you a better
deal on repairs? Also, if your credit rating is squeaky clean, your
monthly payments could be lower. With an open-end lease, you
may have the option of buying the car at the estimated resale
value when the lease expires. If the company has underesti-
mated, you could get a good deal. —RICHARD WOLKOMIR

191

PLAYBOY

192

JAMES GARNER (continued from page 181)

have driven around the block to look
for one,

PLAYBOY: You really don't think so?
GARNER: I know damn well 1 wouldn't
have. As it was, I went in and we talked
for close to an hour. I told him I didn’t
know if I'd like to be an actor, but I
was almost 25 years old and I had to do
something, sometime. 1 made up my
mind right then that I'd give myself
five years to try it as an actor, and Paul
agreed to become my agent. He thought
I was finally using some common sense.
Gregory said, "Look at yourself, Jim,
and hear what you sound like. There's
definitely a chance that something could
happen if you learned how to act.” That
made sense to me, because nothing I'd
done ever held out the opportunity to
make the money an actor has a shot at.
Basically, I'd be using what God had
given me—my looks. Now, I knew that
there were hundreds of guys who looked
like me and most of 'em could get in the
door, but could they close it behind
them? Maybe I could. And I wasn't
looking for stardom; I was looking for
a job, something 1 could make a living
at. But if I wanted it, 1 knew I was
going to have to change my attitude
about а lot of things.

PLAYBOY: Such аз?

GARNER: I was still scared to death to
perform in front of anybody. Gregory
quickly got me a reading at Columbia
Studios with a talent coach named Benno
Schneider, and afterward, Schneider
told me, “I don't know what you've
bcen doing, young man, but you really
should go back to it. Just because you're
young doesn't mean you can be ап
actor." Well, that about halfway pissed
me off, telling me there was something
I couldn't do. And it really helped me,
because I had to get over that. It took
me a long time to do it, but I did. I
spent most of my first five years as ап
actor trying to get over my fear of
performing. After that rea
hired me to tour in the national com-
pany of The Caine Mutiny Court-
Martial, which he produced. I was one of
six silent judges and I did it for a year
and never had one word of dialog, but I
got a lot of experience and learned a
great deal from the show's stars.

PLAYBOY: Who were they?

GARNER: Henry Fonda, Lloyd Nolan and
the late John Hodiak. I used to watch
Fonda just to study the way he moved,
his posture and the way he sat, which І
later copied, incidentally, in Support
Your Local Gunfighter. I've used his atti-
tude, stance and the mental images I
have of him quite a few times in my
films, but those were mostly physical
things. What I really learned from him

was a professional attitude and concen-
tration. Johnny Hodiak became a good
friend, and 1 was his understudy and he
helped me out quite a lot. Nolan also
taught me about concentration, which is
the reason certain actors can walk out
onstage and suddenly everyone's eyes аге
riveted on them. Anyway, we toured for
three months or so, and then the play
opened on Broadway. My first night in
New York, the three of them got me a
date with an absolutely beautiful red-
head named Barbara Walters—not the
TV interviewer—and they took us to the
Trocadero and to “ afterward, and
ТЇЇ never forget their kindness. Here I
was, a prop in this play, and my good
buddies were the stars.

PLAYBOY: Did you have any aspi
to become a Broadway star?
GARNER: None whatsoever. First of all,
New York is not my town. I’m a small-
town boy, and if you walk down the
street in New York and say hi, somebody
will hit you in the mouth. I mean, in
New York, if you smile, they'll steal

ions

"I used to watch Fonda
just to study the way he
moved, his posture and
the шау he sat, which 1
later copied in ‘Support
Your Local Gunfighter.”

your teeth; and if you shake hands,
you'll come back without an arm. It’s
just not my town. Also, after a year in
The Caine Mutiny Court-Martial, 1 came
to the conclusion that you have to be
broader onstage than in film, and still
being in the grip of introversion, I
didn't have the guts to play that broadly.
Before the show left Broadway, 90th
Century-Fox offered me a screen test in
New York; but there was a strong rivalry
between New York and Hollywood offices
of every film company, so I turned "em
down and said if I did a test, it
would be in Hollywood, not New York.
They thought I was crazy. Well, I went
back to the Coast after The Caine
Mutiny Court-Martial finished іп New
York. A couple of months later, Gergory
called and asked if 1 wanted to play the
role of Lieutenant Maryk in а new na-
tional tour to be directed by Laughton. I
obviously wasn't going to turn that
down, so we began rehearsing for it and
one afternoon, Laughton said to me [imi-
tating Laughion and doing it well],

“James, I want you to come up to the
house today and lunch with me.” I was
sure he was about to can me, because, al-
though I knew my lines, I wasn’t very
good. That afternoon, he told me, “Jim,
your problem is that you're afraid to be
bad. Therefore, you do nothing. You go
down the middle of the road and you
have no highs and you Һаус no lows."
And he was right. I was still afraid of
being laughed at, of being disliked, of
trying not to be bad instead of focusing
on being good.
PLAYBOY: You were feeling defensive, in
other words.
GARNER: Yeah, which is what the under-
playing I did for a long time was all
about. Oh, I got braver as I got along,
but he was absolutely right: I was afraid
to be bad. Laughton told me that if I
wasn’t any good, he'd let me know and
to leave it to him. And since then, ГЇЇ
stick my neck out and leave it to а
director to chop it off if he has to. I
did Maryk for four months in Texas,
Oklahoma, Louisiana and Arkansas, and
then I went back to Hollywood, made
my Winston commercial and lived off
that for eight months. After that, I got
the part of an irate lieutenant in the
first episode of Cheyenne. God, I was a
good irate lieutenant. Warner Bros.
then signed me to a contract for $200
a week, and then a lot of things
happened very quickly. I got a small
part іп a William Holden movie,
Toward the Unknown, and then 1
tested for Sayonara, Originally, the idea
was to go with either Marlon Brando
and an unknown Japanese girl or
Audrey Hepburn and an unknown in
the Brando role. They couldn’t afford
both Brando and Hepburn, so if they
went with her, I had a shot at the lead.
Well, they went with Brando and a
Japanese girl, but I wasn't really disap-
pointed, because I figured everything
always works out for the best. They
were going to cast John Smith as an Air
Force major who is Brando's antagonist
in the film, and one day I talked to the
producer and the director of Sayonara,
Bill Goetz and Josh Logan, and I said,
“Fellas, you've seen my test and you
know I can do the part. If you sign
Smith, you're gonna have to pay him at
least $1200 а week; but, hell, the studio's
got me for $225, so I'm going to be a
lot cheaper." By God, they hired me.
PLAYBOY: Were you nervous about work-
ing with Brando?
GARNER: I think you could say that. The
first scene I did with him was in the
back of a taxi, and I didn't exactly feel
like Rod Steiger in On the Waterfront.
Marlon noticed that my hands were
soaking wet and that I was wringing,
and he said, “What’s the matter?” I told
(continued on page 197)

DEEPLY FELT

[т TORY :
5,
"| ARNODROTH

THE SEDUCTION OF MADAME POMPADOUR

О "onsicu Voltaire, give me one good reason
JL. Showing, why I Should sleep with you.

193

THE AMERICAN REVOLUTION

The Midnight Ride of Paul Revere & Others First in War, First in Piece... .

es Aha! The minute my back is turned.
WHO SLEPT HERE ?

ОУ T just know
You're not going

to believe this...

= Pictures & Quotes from Our War Correspondents
Sir..was that Whites of their £lies'or thighs’? ——-
p" Qv TA

| Ви. why has the Continental Con
| уотеа me Miss Liberty Bell
oe S

Ben Franklin іп King Louis' Court
s — Majesty, he sass A stiff in tine — pant, puff,

ШЕР buff-saves sixté:nine’

194

Wolfgang
yin
Mozart's

iret
Gig

-.. dnd, by the way, Justine,
in case I neglect to mention
it later...you're a swell date.

Кол В —
finds ot about 1
egalitarianism
ond

Vegetarianism.

> Read the musickid!
5» Read the music!

so then T saia,
“Let them
eat cake,
аЛа!”

То be continued.

195

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JAMES GARNER (continued from page 192)

him I was a little nervous because this.
was my first good picture. He told me
not to worry and maybe he could help.
me out. He did, too. He was the friend-
liest of people, and from then on, I was
his slave. He did make me feel comfort-
able and he wound up almost coaching
me and being my personal director. I
figured if what I was doing was good
enough for Brando, it was good enough.
for me. And it also seemed good enough
for Logan, who didn't give me a lot of
d nly because Marlon and I
rehearsed rehearsed. ГЇЇ tell you
this: the best actor

and
І think Brando
we've eyer had. I always felt that be-

cause he couldn't trust anybody but
Kazan, he needed someone to pick ma-
terial for him. If he'd ever found some-
one like that, he could have done so
much more. We haven't been that close
over the years, but I still have a great
affection for him because of what he d
for me оп Sayonara. Working with him
was just a јоу. I then went back and
did the pilot for Maverick, because after
looking at dailics of Sayonara, I don't
think it was any stroke of genius on
anybody's
ner—we've got him and hi
PLAYBOY: Does it scem to you that you
owe a lot of the initial interest in your
career to the fact that you were under-
paid?

t's true. And down through
the years, I've always kept my y
below a lot of people's, for the simple
reason that I think actors cut themselves
ош of too many pictures because of
their prices. For instance, when Lee
Marvin went to $1,000,000 a picture, he
cut his chances of working by more that
half. But its one thing to be reasonable
about your p d it was quite another
what Warner Bros. at that time did to
me on money. After I finished Sayonara
and the Maverick pilot, Warners had a
contract dispute with Charlton Heston
and he walked ош of Darby's Rangers.
It turned out kinda funny. Jack Warner
told Heston to have his Darby's Rangers
contract signed by a Friday afternoon at
five o'clock, but Heston didn't do ii
Well, at 5:30, they callcd me over to the
television department—not the movie
department—and told me I was such a
good guy that they wanted to give me a

raise. I was making $250 a week and in
another five months or so, my contract
called for a raise to $: week. They
said they wanted to raise me to $350 a

week right then and there—but they
also wanted another year and a half on
the end of a seven-year contract. Well,
I was smart enough to turn that dowi

They finally got around to offering me
$500 a месі, and I needed the money,

because my wife was pregnant, we had
an eightyearold daughter who'd just
come out of the hospital with polio.
Well. on Monday morning, I found out
I'd been given Heston's starring role
Darby's Rangers and 1 thought, OK, the
sons of bitches got to me. 1 didn’t find
out until a couple of weeks later that
they'd also sold the Maverick pilot. I
told myself, you made the deal, but
they're not crazy. If Maverick works and
the movie goes, they'll rewrite the con-
tract, because they know how inequitable
it is. So I did Darby's Rangers, a World
War Two movie that ends with Colonel
Darby's becon general,
little difficult for me to look
mature when I had just turned 2
then Maverick took off. Ed Sulliv
the Sunday-night competition and he
was making $25,000 a week. I was making
$500 a week and Maverick was swamp
his show. But doing the show itself w:
a great, great experience.

PLAYBOY: Do you remember the first
Maverick ever filmed?

GARNER: I really do, yes. Jt was a remake
of Rocky Mountain, an Errol Flynn mov-
ie—practically all the first Maverick
scripts were rewrites of old Warner Bros.
pictures. 1 even wore the coat and vest
Flynn wore in Rocky Mountain, because
they used stock footage from the movie
for long shots, so I had to match my
clothes to his. The first three cpisodes
were directed by Budd Boetticher, a very
ne director who's made cult pictures
like Blood and Sand. He started injecting
little bitty pieces of humor into the
es almost immediately. 1 remember
that in the sccond or third episode, we
had an hour to film a very long fight
scene, one in which both guys fight until
they get so tired they can't throw any
more punches. I told Budd, “Jesus, why
don't we have this guy just knock me
into some tall weeds and then come after
me, and every once in a while PU knock
him out of the weeds,
knock me out of 'em.

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for asex

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197

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saw a lot of weeds and feet, and after that,
we tended to use a lot of humor whenever
we were pressed for time. After three
shows, the writers started putting the
humor on paper and, well, the show just
took off.

PLAYBOY. Did you fecl as if you were
doing a satire on Westerns?

GARNER: Oh. yeah. and we really did do
satire. We did a take-off on Gunsmoke
that we called ashy, апа we started it
off with that shooting scene taken through
Marshall Dillon's legs, except we called
our sheriff M Il Dooley. And we had
а Doc, and instead of Chester, we
our guy Fester, who told me hi
was caused by a dad-blamed horse that
had stepped оп his тос. When it got
better, I told Fester to keep the limp,
because it gave him character, and he

said, “I believe you're right.” and so he
limped for the rest of the show. Or we'd
do things for New York like having me

say, “Let's drop it into the swamp and
sec if it ks." When I started it, there
were about 17 Western series on TV, and
I couldn't see playing another steel
eyed hero, becausé TV had plenty of
those. I think Maverick was really the
st pinprick in the balloon of TV West-
erns, and when the series was finished,
so were TV Westerns. The same thing
was true of Rockford: There were ump-
teen detective series when The Rockford
Files first went on the air, and I wasn't a
steely-cyed private сус and I wasn't
brave. How many detectives are left on
TV six уе r? 1 come in and scrape
“ет up, I'm a killer of genres, I think,
and there must be something to that,
but I don't quite know what it is.

PLAYBOY: Did vou ever scttle on а new
ct with Warner Bros.?
GARNER: You must be kidd
course not. they wouldn't have wanted
to do that. You know, we started shoot-
ing Maverick on August 20, 1957, and
when it went on the air on that Sep-
tember 22, we had one episode in the
-the pilot. They needed one a week
and it took us six working days to shoot
a show, meaning Maveric losi
day a week. So Warners
started looking for a side-kick, and then
aged it to a brother and got
and they signed him for more

con

Not only that but I didn't find out
months later that out of my 5500
k, $285 was straight y and $215
was an advance against residuals. At
Warner Bros, nobody got residuals. I'll
ever be able to remember all the tricks
they pulled. Another instance: Contract
t Warners didn't тес
arance money—it
to the studio. I on
to appear on the Pat Boone show

the studio wanted me on it, but they

also wanted to keep the $7500, and that
represented a lot of money to me. All the
rest of ABC's cowboys were also going
to be on—Jack Kelly, Clint Walker,
Ty Hardin, Peter Brown and some
others. Well, I refused to go on if I
wasn't paid. I settled for $2500 cash and
a Corvette with everything on it. The
other guys wound up getting $500 cach
and Warners tried to teach me a lesson
a little later on.

PLAYBOY: What did they do?

GARNER: There ters’ strike
during the third year of Maverick and
they suspended me for eight weeks with-
out pay, just to show me a little some-
thing. They thought they had a contract
clause allowing them to do that if the
series had to shut dow Well, I sued
them for breach of contract and I won,
but for several months after that, actors,
directors and producers were waiting
to see if I could get away with й. My
lawyers were frankly worried, because
the major studios had a lot of power
at the time and they were worried that T
might not get another job. I didn't make
a film for more than a ycar, but in eight
weeks of summer stock. I made more
money doing John Loves Mary than I
would've working a whole year оп Mav-
erick for $1250 a week. And at the end
of the year, William Wyler hired me to
do The Children's Hour with Audrey
Hepburn and Shirley MacLaine. Не
broke the mold and there weren't any
problems after that.

PLAYBOY: You've made 24 movies since

was a

then. Which ones do you consider your
best?

GARNER: The best, I think, was The
Americanization of Emily. Unfortunate-
ly, critics were just scared to death of it.
It was the first antiwar film, it was the
first film of any content that had nudity
in it and a lot of people in the industry
were afraid of it. The script really was
brilliant, but selling it to the public
wasn't easy, because a lot of people
thought it was a Julie Andrews-nanny
movie. But. in the long t's shown
itself to be the great film it is. Гуе had
four or five films like that, movies people
realized were better after they'd gone
around. Support Your Local Gunfighter,
which I like almost as much as The
Americanization of Emily, though for
different reasons, originally wasn't
thought of as anything much. But it wa
a very good comedy. And Skin Game.
also a very fine film, was practically
thrown down the tubes. It came out thc
same year as McCabe & Mrs. Miller, and
Warner put their advertising
money on that one instead of Skin
Game, That's because McCabe & Mrs.

Bros.

Miller cost a lot more to produce than
ng to get

Skin Game and they were tr

ward nomin:
1

ion lor

un Academy
То me, it wa ke the time the Pitis-
burgh Pirates signed my brother Jack
id also signed a $100,000
Paul Pettit, They
tried everything in the world to make
Pettit a major leaguer, because they had
big money invested. in him. They tried

as a pitcher
bonus baby named

199

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him as a pitcher, an outfielder, а first
baseman, everything. Meanwhile, my
brother was doing nothing but winning
ball games for their farm teams, and
he was making $175 а month. Anyw
one other film І really liked was Grand
Prix, especially the making of it, because
I drove a race car for eight months. I
so kind of like it because it's probably
the only picture I ever went after as a
career move.

PLAYBOY: Why did you go after it?
GARNER: By 1966, Га done a lot of пісе
Іше pictures and one day 1 thought,
Boy, what I need is an epic, a real Charl-
ton Heston type of epic. And then 1
read that John Frankenheimer was going.
to do Grand Prix in C id I
knew that if the picture was shot right,
it had to be a big movic. I called Meta
Rosenberg and she went over to MGM
and got a script, and they liked the idea
of my doing it, and it worked.

PLAYBOY: You've been very upbeat dur-
ing this interview, but we've been told
there's a dark side to James Garner that
manifests itself in two ways: Either you
get terribly down on yourself or you get
combative. You once mentioned that
е part Cherokee and that when you
nk, you sometimes want to take back
the land. Does that still hold tru
GARNER: Well, I don't do much drinking:
anymore, because of the ulcer; and, be-
sides, 1 don't really want the land back—
it has too many taxes on it, And what
they've given to the Indians ain't worth
having, anyway. But, yeah, theres а
darker and worse side to me th what
you've «сеп, and I'm not all those happy
things the press has conjured up about
me. I get into terrible depressions and 1
have my sell-doubts and periods of gloom
and doom. I'm getting to the point
where I can recognize them and pull out
of them, but they still happen.

PLAYBOY: What are your depressions like?
GARNER: Oh, I've had times when I
couldn't make a decision whether to take
a shower or a bath, so I didn’t do either
nd just sat there. Or I couldn't make a
decision to watch a particular TV show
or not, and just sat there.

PLAYBOY: How long would you sit around
like that?

GARNER: For days. I've had some pretty
good downers, believe me, and when
they happen, I don't want to sce or talk
to people. І just brood and stew, but it
finally comes to me that, Jim, this is not
very progressive, you're not accomplish-
ing anyth To come out of it, I'll do
something like go to a doctor or force
myself to play golf, which used to be a
great release for me. I've been a scratch
golfer for most of my life, but I've had
moments when I couldn't even get up
the energy to go knock that dumb litde
ball around.

eram;

PLAYBOY: What arc your releases now?

GARNER: About the same. I always find
I'm much better when I'm working, and
I usually have fun making movies, be-
picture people arc the best
n the world. This is the only

people
business I've ever seen where people are

lined up a half hour early, ready to go
to work. Nobody ever wants to be late,
because it's really a fascinating life. I
usually find that people have drifted
into it because, for some reason, they
couldn't work nine-to-five jobs. They just
couldn't hack that, and if they get a
taste [or the movie business, they even-
tually wind up spe ng in something.
I mean, guys don't wake up опе day
when they're cight years old and say, “I
want to be a prop man
PLAYBOY: Does the same hold true for
actors?

GARNER: It holds true for me, І know
that. It's an interesting way to live and
it takes you everywhere. My God, do
you think I could һауе found another
way to go first-class around the world
and to mect kings and queens and Presi
dents and princesses?

PLAYBOY: Probably not. bur don't you
think there's a fairly stiff price you've had
to pay for that?

GARNER: No one cver said you get to win
completely, because what goes around
comes around. If you get something, you
pay for it in one way or another. Every-
опе says, how could anybody be unhappy
making the kind of money actors earn and
being famous and all that? And yet you
can be unhappy if that’s not what you're
looking for. I know that I miss my ano-
nymity—and I miss it a lot. The thing
that helped me as an actor for years and
years was the fact that I could observe
people and mimic them; and now I don't
observe, Pm the onc being observed. I
think it diminishes my capacity to under-
stand people. but that's part of the game,
part of the business and part of the
career. It happened and there it is, I
have to learn to cope with id I have
coped with it fairly well. Bur that's one
of the thingy I miss а lot. It never oc
curred to me when I started out n
actor that I'd lose that. I never thought
of being famous or even successful; І
didn't have those fantasies.

PLAYBOY: What were your fantasies?
GARNER: All I wanted was a job 0 I
could make a living at, enough to com-
fortably support my wife and daughters.
And, you know, 1 never thought all these
things would come along with it. I
t looking for it, | didn’t want it.
I think my big problem is that I've been
so busy doing whar I'm doing, I don't
know what I wanted. But I'm tired of
talking about me. Why don't we talk
about what you think about me?

ай
BAAS
бық өй

* Remember what the doctor said, Captain. Come five
o'clock, forget the Great White Whale."

PLAYBOY

202

FRENCH LESSON onina from page 108)

“He was playing for time, thinking that someone
would come and save him.”

was wearing bathing-suit bottoms but no
top. Her hands went to her mouth in fear.
I gestured with the pistol and told her to
get ош ag; he did, running past me
like a slim spi

T was wat ig LeGault’s eyes. They
moved once toward the mattress on the
massage table. So it was there that I sat,
and I thought I could feel the bulge of a
pistol under my thigh.

It was a strange conversation, because
I spoke only French and he replied in
nglish. We were each insulting the other
that way.

LeGault was а thin man. He wore the
rd of a professor and he
ow face, middle-aged, with a certain
Gallic disdain in the pitch of his mouth.
He spoke as if nothing meant much to

d him in French.
nglish.

“It goes well?
“It goes," hi
“Marvelous,
“What do you wa
after a silence.

"I'm not sure,” I said.

He toyed with the red washcloth. “Уа-
" he asked. "You are jealous or

I said.

tz" he asked casually

“No,” Т laughed.
bdicve me.”

“Good,” he said with finality. He
splashed water lightly across his shoulders.

I kept the pistol leveled at his forehead.
I was only а few fect from him. “I ad-
justed the spring on this yesterday,” I
said. "Very light nigger pull. Less than
a kilo.”

'm not jealous,

“Oh, oh—it's either my wife or your shepherd.”

LeGaul's mouth formed ап ironic
in. "I hope you aren't nervous," he
smiled.

"Don't worry,” I said.

We sat there for a time: no conversa-
tion, each waiting the other out, conscious
of water dripping and rain on the œr-
тирей roof and occasional voices from
other rooms,

You are LeGault, aren't you?" I asked
with a laugh.

He spread his hands. 71 am whoever
you wish me to be,” he said.

“They say you French are everywhere.”

He looked at me, then the ceiling.
“How can that be?”
“I ask myself that," I said. 1 leancd
against the tile wall. “I myself what
in the hell the French are doing in a
secret war against the Americans.”

LeGault inching his way up out
of the water. I let him do it. I knew
what was going to happen, T saw the
whole thing before it actually happened.

“Well, life is very confusing, isn't

led. He had crooked teeth.

quite good,” he said.
“Where did you learn it?
“I lived іп Paris for a couple of
ar

з accent.”

nd where did vou
he said. There w

1 you like Fran

Lost of the time.”
“Good.”
“But the French can be very cold, ve
I said.
sorry to he:
“Oh, yes,” T said. ch can
be the most selfish people in the world.
They always assume that they know
more than anybody else. About every-

t think
he said.

you met the right

LeGault said. He wi
for time, thinking that someone would
come and е him. He did not realize
that he had taken too many thi
his ow nds, become too ui
Jable, and that he was olf everybody's
white list.

Something told me I did not have to
rush. I was enjoying the power I felt,
enjoying it immensely. “Tell me ab
youself,” I said. I laughed at the polite
ness of my query.
here's nothing to tell,” LeGault
offered.

“You grew up in France?”

“No. Here. Indochina.”

“The son of a plantation owner?” 1
asked.

My father was a farmer.”

"You went to the Sorbonne?"

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203

“You know all about me?" LeGault
grimaced.

“I'm learning," I said. "What's your
full name?"

“Jean-Claude LeGault,” he said quietly.
He sat up in the water, pulled the
washcloth around his neck, made а
production of splashing and smiling.
“You already know that.”

“I didn't know your first name,” I
said.
"Well, then, I am sorry I gave it to
you."

"No. no,” I smiled falsely. "I appre-
ciate it,"
lerde," he said. It was the only
nch he would speak to me.

“You're down here from the north?”
1 asked.

“No,” he said.
know it."

“1 know Xam Nua,” I said

“Ah, then you are not a tourist.” He
laughed. “So you have to be what? CIA?"

Nor exactly," I said

igon. I'm sure you

"Well, you're not the Red Cross,” he
siid
“Хо, not the Red Cross,” I said.

“You won't tell m
“Marines,” I said.
"No." he said in that French fashion
of dropping the jaw in disbelief. Faked

disbeli

I said brightly.

“But look at you. You are not in
uniform.”

“Хо. Neither are you.”

We both laughed at that one.

“I think of you Marines as, you know,
very Fancy,” he said.

“Bellboy?” I smiled

LeGault looked at the
“Marines are good fighter aid.

“Yes, when they have a chance,” I said.
"When they aren't shot down by your
SAMs."

“SAMs?” LeGault asked. He perverted
the word, drew it out with a jutted jaw,
made it sound unfamiliar.

“Surface-to-air missiles,” I said.

“1 do not know these SAMs,” LeGault
said.

"Nobody eke did, either. Not around
here. Not until a month ago. Bur some-
brought some SAMs іп. They
happen to be very effective against heli-
copters.” I said.

“I wouldn't know,” LeGault said.

"Really?" I said. I pulled the hammer
of the 45 back with my thumb. The
small sound reverberated in the room.
That noise was chilling, even to ше, and
I was on the right side of the weapon
“Yes, you do. You know.”

LeGault talked more rapidly. He tried
to sccm angry. “You're going to shoot
7 he asked. "For м don't know
t you think I've done, but I can
hardly defend myself this way

“Is funny that you never heard of

ceiling again
he

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PLAYBOY

206

SAMs,” T said. “I heard you and your
crew were unloading the Iaunchers at the
airport and trucking them right up the
Royal Road.” I was amused at my own
improvisation on Chen's brief story. 1
thought it was brilliant.

“That's absurd," LeGault said. He
moved to a kneeling position. I let him
do that, too.

“I heard you take
I said.

"Don't be ridiculous" LeGault
Who is telling you such thing:
“A little bird,” I laughed.
“Well, none of this is true," һе pro-
tested. He sank back on his haunches,
but I could tell he was still ready to
spring. He reminded me of a tiger,
a tired tiger.

“Tell me more about yourself," I said.
Ie?" he laughed. "I have an export-
import business in Saigon. I play tennis.
I swim the club. I waste my life.
Really, you must believe me. The business
pays my bills and 1 don’t have to
finger. I fly to Bangkok and Hong Kong
and Pnompenh and here, and I might
take some opium with me sometimes, but
can you blame те? Do you know what 1
n sell a block of it for in Paris?" He
assumed he had struck a rich vein of
autobiography and he built on it. “I
thought you were
first. I've had some trouble here. 1 buy
from the tr Other people are in-
terested in the same territory. It’s a risky
business.”

I let him wind down. I listened to him
with my eyes half-closed. Then I laughed.

s when you kill,”

said.

са

narcotics man at

bes.

It doesn't check out, frog," I said.
"You don't play tennis—you're pale. Look
at you. You've got bites on your neck.
You don’t cat well. You've got that three-
thousand-yard stare. You're a jungle bun-
ny, LeGault. Just like me. You think
1 can't figure that out? We've been snoop-
ing and pooping in the same places, my
friend. But you raised the stakes. You
broke the rules. You brought in a little
toy that we didn’t expect. And you blew
up three of my buddies. Three guys just
doing а job. Coming in on resupply. And
you blew them out of the sky. Poof. Just
like that. Place your bets; nothing more
goes; poof.” 1 was conscious that my anger
made me a better linguist. My French was

impeccable, filled with argot, and I spoke
rapidly, like an angry waiter.
That's absurd, what you have just

said,” LeGault objected. Still in English,

hill called Phu San," I
‘Near the Plain of Jars.”

“Don't talk nonsense,” he said.
never been near the Plain of J

1 spoke my first English. "Yes, you
have,” I said. “You grow up there. It was
your back yard.”

There are moments when time slows
down for me. It loses momentum. I can
sce myself watching myself. Indeed, 1 am
itle bit outside myself, and I know
whar's going to happen, what each person

do. And it is done. It is a powerful,
addictive perception, as good as opium
or gin.

LeGault pushed off in a swan dive
toward me, but he didn't do it very well

"I have

“OK, I believe you, they're waterproof.”

and his feet slipped оп the bottom оГ
the bathtub, He rose in an awkward
arch, his arms flailing like а scarecrow’

I pumped one round into his chest. I
did it very coldly, without thought. It
was as if an invisible hand had slammed
against him and tackled him in mid-air,
His dive was broken and he crumpled
outside the tub. Only then did I ri
that my ears hurt from the explosion.

There was a lot of blood. LeGault’s
face was pale as alabaster and his eyes
were empty. I knelt by him. patted
his cheek with my pistol. "That's lor Gun-
ny I said, “and Sutton and
Allard." I paused, trying to think clearly.
"From Lieutenant O'Hair, 075718." I
stood up. “I don't take ears,” I said.

It was all very manly and brave and
dramatic, or so I thought at the time. I
had just made the world saler and myself
stronger: justice, venge: ll that good
shit.

I walked back to the hotel іп a daze.

.
No one can without. nking
about it.
I sat in my room until dawn, playing

solitaire and wishing that Chen were
around to talk to. He seemed to have dis-
appeared.

I drank more gin, but it made me
nauseated. so I smoked a couple of pipes
of hash. It was not opium, but it would do.
"The gecko liked the smoke and he moved.
where it drifted The n 1 eased and
the gecko had less to worry about, so he
got stoned with me.

By the time the AID station wagon
came to get me, with orders so recently
cut that the mimeo ink smeared on my
hands and trousers, I was too wasted to
appreciate the irony of my leaving. The
mission house had commandeered a spe-
cial Caravelle with MATS markings from
Bangkok: a French crew and a French
steward who asked me idly if Га heard
about the murder of a Frenchman in
Vientiane the night before.

I tried to answer the steward in hi:
language, but 1 found that I could not
speak French anymore. The words stuck
in my throat. I simply never spoke French
Not ever.

T hope they get the bastard who did
that,” I said finally in English.

The steward stared at me as if I were an
epileptic. “Bien sùr,” he said to me with
a contemptuous salute. “Moi aus

“What was that?” I asked with a stupid
smile. 1 watched the steward’s eyes glaze
over with that disrespect the French have
for people who do not speak their lan-
guage. I was not in the best of moods,
because I had just supervised the loading
of Gunny Nadcau's coffin into the hold of
the Caravelle. That had been my only
demand when the consul came to tell me
1 to leave Vientiane immediately.
So my tolerance was low and I made a
production of Jeaning on the steward as

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PLAYBOY

208

The Bettmann Archive, Inc.

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I climbed the steps into the aircraft, act-
ing like an American country bumpkin.
"Looks like the monsoon's lifted long
enough to get us out of here,” I said to no
one in particular. The passenger cabin was
empty. The flight was for me alone.
“Would you like a drink?" the steward
asked me.
"You got any American beer?" I asked.
“We have wine,” he sail “It not
American, but it is decent enough." His
lish was fluent.

k on me.
I called to

I sure like German wine,”
him. He did not answer me.

Gunny u and I flew back to Bang-
kok and Saigon and Kadena and Tachi-
kawa. We changed planes in Japan and
then flew on to Wake Island and then
Hickam and then
Priority One orders, the same w:
gone out, and the Pacific Ocean was as

as ever. The Gunny's coffin was off-
at Travis, but I didn't get to see
it, because I was being hustled onto a
DC-3 that was waiting on the runway to
take me down to El Toro.

Although I had resigned my commi:
sion, I spent anorher few weeks back
the First Marine Division. Most of the
time I was being debriefed, talking into
а tape recorder іп a barracks in Camp
Pendleton. I knew it was a polite version
of custody and that they were wondering
what to do with me. Sometimes they let
me jog the firebreaks, and once they let
me go into Oceanside to swim and shop.
But there was ай
and I felt very trapped.

They gave me tests and asked me to
write up reports, but I could tell that they
g for something, some signal
me and
at signal
е no idea

ays someone with me,

let me back
eventually came, though I
what it was.

I can only testify that the scars are
there in strange patterns.

If you met me, you would never guess
that I killed so coldly. I seem like a nice
person, if somewhat tense, and I put on a
good act of being ci
lies deeper, in a place not charted,
surfaces in private forms that only people
like me can reco

For example: I don't read Ronsard's
sonnet about age and bcauty and «ісер,
the one that inspired Yeats, and Villon's
Middle h written in frozen ink is
not mine anymore, and Proust is out, as
are Camus and Simenon and Sartre.

And if 1 were in your home, and if you
were to play the songs of Brel or the re-
cordings of Piaf, or if you were to brag
about your best Chateau Lafite-Rothschild
or your richest Beaujolais, you might not
notice any change in me, but I would be
thinking, very briefly, about killing you.

“If you want my opinion, the lord giveth and

the lord taketh away too damn fast!”

209

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Miami:
Championship
Backgammon
hosted by
Black & White
Scotch.

4. Carol Lorenz, an attractive model from London, England shows us how she looks
when she plays backgammon in Miami, Florida. Nice Carol! 2. Tremayne Rodd, or
more properly Lord Rennell, looks confident. And well he should! As one of Great
Britain's most colorful players, he is a world class backgammon champion. 3. Jean
Sobieski, an artist, is not thinking about painting today Backgammon takes
concentration! Carole Hultgren and Monika Sula ponder their next moves. 4. Denise
Hemingway concentrates on her next move. Sne never needs to concentrate
when she orders a drink: it's always Black & White and soda. 5. Lee Genud, Women's
World Backgammon Champion, competes for the top prize in Miami. 6. Paul Weiss
from Munich, Germany enjoys a favorite drink among new traditionalists.

Black & White & soda.

Black&White Scotch.The New Tradition.

LIFE INSURANCE г

“What will $60,000 buy in 2010? If inflation is six
percent, it will buy what $10,446 buys now.”

life policy will mean much to you when
your retirement comes, unless inflation
stops the steady surge i

ing the Scveni

Suppose you buy a
$100,000 cash-value policy now and retire
in 2010, by which time the policy's cash
value has reached $60,000. What will
$60,000 buy in 20102 If inflation over the

next 30 y s six percent (a fraction
of the recent rate), it will buy what
510,446 buys now. That's not enough for
a major contribution to retirement.

For that matter, buying term and in-
vesting the difference won't prepare you.
for a royal retirement, either. If you're
going to retire in style, you'll have to
plan for it separately.

If a salesman tells you that a
insurance — policy—any — life-insura
policy—is the perfect way to plan for
retirement, tell him to take a running
jump into an economics course.

OK. So now you've managed to coun-
ter all the salesman’s arguments in favor
of whole life insurance, and he's ready
to scll you a term policy. What arc you
getting?

If you buy term. Buying term insur-
ance means protecting your dependents
now, while making a minimum of com-
mitments for the future. If life-insurance
prices continue to decline, as they have
in recent years (mainly as a result of
increased competition and rising interest
rates), you may be free to switch term
policies with a minimum of hassle.
Switching whole life policies is a more
complicated business, since the low rate

nce

of return in the early years tends to lock
you in.

If you decide to buy term insurance,
need

you to be aware that there are
sev ds. Usually, you should look
for a level term policy—one with a fixed
death benefit. The premium for a level
term policy usually goes up every year,
or every few years, because of your i
creasing age and risk of death.
People who don't like u
premium somctimes opt for a decreasing
term policy—one in which the premium
remains fixed and the amount of the
death benefit gradually lessens as years
pass. Decreasing term is cheaper than
level term, but that's be è it provides
less protection. To cover a mortgage,

decreasing term makes sense; in fact,

many decr
just for tha

ig term policies are designed
purpose. But if you һауе
twice before you
ng term as your basic

young children, th

opt for dea
insurance policy.
Whatever kind of term policy you

choose should probably be guaranteed
renewable, at least to the age of 65 or
so. You may also want it to be convert-
ible to a whole life policy, in case it
turns out you need life insurance in your
retirement years. Most renewable term
policies are convertible until you reach
60 or so, but some are convertible only
for a shorter period, such as 15 years.

You ought to be wary of a product
called deposit term. With it, you plunk
down a fat deposit at the time you buy
the policy and get your deposit back,
"with interes" ten years later. The
trouble is that the high so-called interest
rate on the deposit may hide the fact
that the underlying insurance is olten
costly. Regulators in a number of states
have been cracking down on deposit
term. The product should be bought, if
at all, with great care. If whole life can
be a bear trap, deposit term can be a
ap with poison in it.

Should your policy pay dividends? If
уоште buying а term policy, don't lose
any sleep over the decision: Dividends
on term policies are comparatively small,
anyw wre buying a whole life
policy, the historical record since World.
War Two has generally been that di
dend-paying policies have cost less.

Dividends are small in the carly years
after purchase but gradually grow until,
by the time a policy has been in force
for about 20 years, the dividend may
offset a substantial part of the premium.

On some very old policies, the dividend
um. You can
take dividends in cash, use them to
reduce the next year's premium or to
buy more insurance.

Naturally, you. don't. get. something
for nothing. On a participating (divi-
dend-paying) policy, the company sets
the premiums higher chan it anticipates
will be necessary to cover cl
company expenses. If it anticipa
rectly, there will be surplus money to һе
returned to policyholders in the form
of dividends. Dividends, then, are re-
funds of your own money. In that way,
they differ significantly from stock div
dends. And that's why dividends from
stocks arc taxed, while insurance divi-
dends aren't.

In one impori . though, life-
insurance dividends do resemble divi-
dends paid to stockholders: They're not
guaranteed. That point should be stressed,
since the economic conditions of the
past 30 years һауе caused many people
to lose sight of it. A salesman may gi
you the impression that the “d
illustration” he shows you is as solid as
the Rock of Gibraltar. He may hinr th
the dividends actually paid to you will
be larger than those illustrated to you at
the time of sale. Based on history, that's
likely to happen. But the company has
no legal obligation to pay any dividends
if economic conditions (or death rates)
turn sour.

How do you spot a good price? Let's
face it: shopping for life insurance is
der than shopping for a set of golf
clubs or a color TV. The price of those
items is plain and simple. The price of
life insurance depends оп а number of
variables: how long you keep the policy,
what you pay in premiums, how much

actually exceeds the prem

“Whoever he is, he rides like he
wears designer jeans.”

PLAYBOY

And, just a short walk away, you'll find

Jack Daniel's Distillery, where we still make
whiskey the same way we did 114 years ago:
gentling every drop with a
process called charcoal mel-
lowing. If you live in a big
city, you won't find a store

much like Lynchburg’s.

No matter where you live,
you won't find a distillery

much like Jack Daniel's.

Tennessee Whiskey * 90 Proof = Distilled and Bottled by Jack Daniel Distillery
Lem Motlow, Prop., Inc., Route 1, Lynchburg (Pop. 361), Tennessee 37352
22 Placed in the National Register of Historic Places by the United States Government.

you'd like to know more about this unusual old store. drop us a line.

AT THE LYNCHBURG HARDWARE &
GENERAL STORE, you'll find everything
from darning thread to duck decoys.

CHARCOAL
MELLOWED

you get back in dividends, what the
cash value is if and when you cancel
the policy, and so on. In fact, the “true
cost" of a life-insurance policy can never
be known in advance. It can be known
only after you've died or canceled the
policy.
How, then, do you compare the cost
? You have to use a
makes assumptions
) about the variables
mentioned above. For example, most
cost indexes are based on the assumption.
that a policy will be Кері in force for
20 years. It's unlikely you'll hold your
policy exactly that long, but making that
assumption allows you to compare
policies.
Any good cost index also reflects the
iming of payments amd refunds. For
nple, two policies may pay the same
idends over 20 years. But if
r than the
: If you,

the money, you can invest it and earn
interest on it. This important factor was
ignored іп cost comparisons until the
early Seventies.

Most popular of the new breed of
indexes is the interest-adjusted index.
That is the figure on which you should
base your cost comparisons. If you ask
an agent to provide you with the index,
he's required to do so in some 36 states.
Even in the 14 other states, you can
simply say that you won't consider buy-

g a policy without knowing st-
adjusted index.

For term polices, there's only one
interest-adjusted index. For whole life
policies, there are two—one [ог net cost
(which measures the cost if you cash in а
policy) and one for net payment (which
measures the cost if you die while the
policy’s in effect).

Don't worry about the name of a
policy. Insurance companies love to
decorate them with words like executive,
nt’s and special. The truth is,
can buy some comps
s preferred” plans, while only

can buy other companies’
s. What matters isn't the
title; it's how much the policy costs. And
the best way to measure that is by the
cost index.

If you're going to be shelling out
thousands of dollars in premiums over
the next decade or two, you have every
right to check out the projected costs.
There can be differences of thousands of
dollars among similar policies, as the
chart on page 214 shows. That's more
important than which company offers
the best road atlas. With some planning.
you can buy life insurance that meets
your needs, and keep your feet clear of
the life-insurance bear trap.

“There—that one there—the black mustache under
the redhead—that’s my husband.”

WHAT PRICE LIFE?

a cost comparison of
life-insurance policies

Most people think it makes good
sense to dicker with a car dealer to
save a few hundred dollars on the pur-
chase of a new car. Yet some of the
same people pay no attention to dif-
lerences in the price of life-insurance
policies—differences that can add up
to thousands of dollars over the years.

The prices in this chart are for
$100,000 of renewable term insurance
bought by a 29-year-old man. Price
quotations were obtained from 20 of
the largest U.S. life-insurance companies
(as measured by sales) in late 1980.

The policies shown vary in some
significant respects. They can all be
converted to whole life, but under
varying conditions. Some are renewable
longer than others, though all are guar-
anteed renewable at least to the age of
60. Some pay dividends, others don't.
Some calculate your age based on your
closest birthday, others based on your
last birthday. And some are easier to
get than others, since certain com-
panies are more selective regarding
applicants' state of health.

This chart shows only one type of
policy and at only one issue age. Don't,
on the basis of this chart, brand an
entire company as high-cost or low-
cost. The point of the chart is not to
label companies good or bad but to
show that prices vary dramatically.
Those shown are subject to change.

(А) Anterest-adjusted netcost index (ot five
percent) for 20 years.

(B) Figure shown includes forgone interest ot
five percent and assumes dividends will
be paid as illustrated.

Figures for Prudential do not include
waiver of premium in the event of dis-
ability, e provision whereby you ere
freed from paying premiums if you're
disabled. However, Prudential includes
this feature (raising the cost above that
shown in the chart), unless the buyer asks
not to have it.

Since this is o participating policy, the
premium you actuclly pay may be re-
duced significantly by dividends you re.
ceive; these commonly offset 10 to 25
percent of the premium shown.
Technically not a term policy but similar
to term and sold in lieu of it.

Premiums for this policy moy be changed,
within limits, affer the first five yeors.
Cost of State Farm’s policy automatically
includes waiver of pre
explained in note C.

m provision,

COMPANY
and Policy Name

Anticipated
Cost Cost Over
Index (A) 20 Years (B)

AETNA

One-year Renewable and

Convertible (R&C) Term (F)
(Nonsmokers) $203

$ 888

$ 9,721

BANKERS LIFE CO.
Preferred one-year R&C Term | $207

$1,251 (D)

$ 8,923

CONNECTICUT GENERAL
One-year R&C Term $236

$1,088

$11,457

EQUITABLE LIFE
Yearly Renewable Term
(Nonsmokers) $173

8 972(D)

$ 8,367

JOHN HANCOCK
Yearly Renewable Term
(Nansmakers) $214

$1,157 (D)

$ 9,687

LINCOLN NATIONAL
Annual Renewable Term
(Nonsmokers) $218

$ 953

$11,214

MASSACHUSETTS MUTUAL
Yearly Renewable Term
(Nonsmokers) $182

$1,160 (D)

$ 8471

METROPOLITAN
Preferred one-year R&C Term 9217

5 972(D)

$ 7,499

MINNESOTA MUTUAL
Canvertible Annual
Renewable Term $169

$ 895(D)

$10,138

MUTUAL BENEFIT
Yearly Renewable Term $186

$1,273 (D)

% 9,791

MUTUAL OF NEW YORK
Yearly Renewable Term $208

$1,091 (D)

$10,138

NEW YORK LIFE
Preferred Yearly R&C Term $183

$1,081 (D)

$ 9,096

NORTHWESTERN MUTUAL
Yearly Renewable Term $224

$1,241 (D)

$10,034

NORTHWESTERN NATIONAL
One-year R&C Term
(Nonsmokers) $195

$ 9,062

OCCIDENTAL LIFE
Graded Premium Protection
(Nonsmokers) (E) $153

$ 7,360

PROVIDENT LIFE AND ACCIDENT
Annual Renewable Term $207

$10,103

PRUDENTIAL
One-year R&C Term (С) $220

$ 968 (0)

5 7,326

STATE FARM
Annual Renewable Term
(Nonsmokers) (G) $205

TRAVELERS
Yearly Renewable Term
to the Age af 70 (Nonsmokers) $191

$1,153 (D)

$ 932

$ 9444

$ 9,374

UNITED BENEFIT
Yearly Renewable Term $199

$ 9,825

Camel Lights.
Low tan Camel taste.

елена сс.

"ч
y» Ong 0,8 mg. nicotine av. per cigarette by FTC method.
PT АМУ
Pr iuo

P Warning. The Surgeon General Has Determined
21 That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health.

fo PLAYBOY POTPOURRI

people, places, objects and events of interest or amusement

SWEET MYSTERIES OF LIFE
The reference book Twentieth Century
Crime and Mystery Writers (St. Martin's
Press) contains in its 1568 pages detailed
information on more than 600 English-
language writers of mystery fiction, from
Edward §. Aarons and Anthony Abbot to
the ever-popular Israel Zangwill. If you're
ап aficionado of detective stories, you'll
want to add it to your collection, despite
the $50 price tag. And if you're not, it
still makes a nifty blunt instrument.

LOVE FOR SALE
After a night of wild and crazy lovemaking, the only thing worse than
sleeping on the wet spot is slipping between sheets made sticky by some
noxious-scented body oil. At least that’s what Love Creations (P.O.
Box 519, Minneapolis, Minnesota 55369) contends—and if you agree, we
suggest you check out its Love Pad, a large lily-pad-patterned vinyl
cover that works great on a water bed or anyplace else you don't want
to get gooey. And best of all, the pad's $44.95 price indudes a box of
body oils and a storage bag for stashing when Mom comes to call.

FLAMINGO ROAD
In the Forties, pink-flamingo lithographs
were all the rage. Then came the Fifties
and flamingos flew the coop. Now camp
followers аге rediscovering the funky
flamingo and a small company, Pink Fla-
mingos, Inc., P.O. Box 160861, Sacramento,
California 95816, is selling all that's left of
the flock. An unframed litho is $75, but if
you want to really fly high, you'll order the
mirror-framed one shown here for 5175.
Hang it in your hitsch-en.

CUTTING THE RABBIT DOWN TO SIZE
Back in 1972, Domus Ltd., a conversion-kit company located at 312 East
17th Street, issouri 64108, came out with a kit that con-
verted a VW Bug into a pint-sized pickup truck. Now Domus has done it

$799 Flatback II pickup kit cuts a VW Rabbit down to pickup
size mi also gives the owner a lockable, weather Pool storage area.
Installation time is less than seven hours (unless you're Zippy the
(ШІ. and the original car weight is unchanged. VW Bug owners, take

heart: Domus still sells the original $499 Bug conversion kit, too.

TIPPY CANOE AND ELECTRIC, rm
COME FLY WITH ME Anyone who's ever been in a canoe knows that

there's no way you can romance your girl and

paddle the damn thing without both of you

ending up getting dunked. That was true until the
Mopad electric canoe surfaced— a Mopad being

а 14-foot fiberglass model that's equipped with a

The craze to dress up as
something you're not has really
taken off—and no more so
than in the latest selections
found in the onc-dollar catalog

of a mailorder company pedal-controlled silent battery-powered motor
called The Cockpit, located at that's good for 100 hours between charges.
ова venue Shute Ne Dolphin Products, P.O. Box 230, Wabasha,
York City 10016. Everything to Minnesota 55981, sells a deluxe Mopad for S

a World The loudest noise you hear will be your ukulele.

help you dress l
War Two fly boy is there, from
reproductions of R.A.F.
sheepskin-lined flight jackets
for $305 to authenticlooking
helmets for $60. Or, if you
rooted for the other side, they
also have samurai silk-screen
headbands for only $15.
Banzaiiiii!

PENDULUM POWER
Down East, dowsing with a
pendulum is am accepted way to
lap your subconscious and get
some sixth-sense feedback on
locating water, minerals and
even missing persons. If you
want to try your hand at it, a
professional radiesthetist (that's
a dowser to you, Charley)
named Noah Raintree at P.O.

OK, LOUIE, DROP THE RACQUET
Yes, that’s Humphrey Bogart in the days when
Warner Bros. was still trying to package him

Box 153, Waterbury Center, as just another pretty face. When the public
Vermont 05677, is selling a didn't rally to his cry of “Tennis, anyone?”
lead-crystal pendulum on a " Bogey went on to tougher roles. Now this
chain for only $12.95, post- rare publicity still has surfaced and The

paid. And he's also peddling a Nostalgia Factory, Brick Market Place, Newport,
traditional Y-shaped wooden Rhode Island 02810, is selling а 36” x 27" poster
divining rod for $9.95. If it of it for only $7.50, postpaid. In those days,

doesn't work, you can use it as Bogart was into racquets instead of rackets.
a slingshot. Twang!

TO ARMS, MEN

P [REAGAN Ф КОТИ

every time we see an English
coat of arms, we wonder what
the hell those rampant lions,
visored helmetsand swirling
drapes really mean. A 23-page
booklet, How to Read a Coat.
of Arms, that's available from
Pendragon House, Р.О. Box

21, Mystic, Connecticut 06355,
for $3.95, postpaid, isa begin.
ner's guide to this i
subject and includes info on
how to record your own color-
ful coat. There are specific
cadency marks for eldest
through the ninth son. Sorry,
your Lordship, no old bas-
tards need apply.

‘BEHIND THE LEGENDS"

Frank (left) and Jesse James invented the
daylight bank robbery in America and
tested the idea for the first time in Liberty,
Missouri, on Valentine's Day, 1866

Missouri Hint, Soc.

Cole (left) and Jim Younger. Serving with
Frank James in a Confederate guerilla
nit. Cole was said to have tried out a new
Enfield rile on Yankee prisoners.

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PLAYBOY

220

SANTA ЕЕ (continued from page 166)

“Desperately, they barricaded themselves in their
cells, some trying to tie their grilles shut with towels.”

into a dog to escape the sheriff so many
times, When his body was later dragged
outside by rioters and driven away in
ап ambulance, the police dogs in patrol
cars in front of the prison would begin
to howl.

Others from the cellblock died minutes

later, one gouged and hacked with a small
weapon, perhaps a screwdriver, a second
with his face obliterated by а teargas

launcher fired point-blank. Two more
escaped, or were dragged, from the cell
block, only to be executed somewhere else.
And across the main corridor in cellblock
six, an Indian and a Hispanic would be
blowtorched.

Then, just as suddenly as the screams
and murders began, there was a pause in
the slaughter. The tide of rioters sweeping
through the north wing, through cellblock
three to release and to kill, had broken
against a jammed grille at the entrance
to cellblock four, the protection unit.
At the other end of the pen, guards were
being beaten, stabbed and sodomized by
ax handle and otherwise. The strong were

sten, lady, if you want me to

raping the young and weak prisoners in
the south-wing dormitories, especially in
A and B, where residents were alternately
molested and beaten. They had begun to
demolish the administrative rooms and to
burn the hated files in the warden's office
and the psychological unit. There were
cries and smoke and fear in the corridors.
But for the last hours of that night, there
would be a kind of ominous order about
the entrance to cellblock four, where they
were impatiently but methodically burn-
ing through the grille pate.

Minutes after the two-a.m. takeover,
warden Jerry Griffin, a former aide to
Rodriguez and hand-picked by him for
the warden's job, tried to call the deputy
secretary at home. He telephoned Rodri-
guez even before he called the state police
for help. But there was no answer. Griffin
called repeatedly, to no avail.

Joanne Brown, another Rodriguez pre
tégée, who was then his powerful assistant,
arrived at the pen at 3:30 a-w., having
tried also to contact her chief without
success. The callers finally reached Rodri-

finish this obscene phone call, yow ll have
to turn off that vibrator.”

guez at home at 4:15 A.M, and at five
AM. he arrived at the pen, where һе
immediately took charge, as he told
Griffin, on the governor's authority.

As Rodriguez assumed command, ele-

ments of the state police and the Santa Fe
city SWAT team were drawn up, ringing
the prison. There at the front gate in the
final hours before dawn, there were even
a few encouraging developments. At 5:25
A.M. Officer Gallegos—who had been
hidden by sympathetic inmates in а
south-wing dormitory since the take-
over—sneaked down the main corridor in
the smoke and confusion and was noticed
only as he left the front entrance; amid
confusing orders from officials outside, he
barely escaped through the gate ahead of
pursuing prisoners. In the next three
hours, the rioters willingly released two
Шу beaten officers from the south wing,
leaving nine hostages inside. Meanwhile,
the inmates who had barricaded themselves
in dormitory Е-1 in the first moments of
the riot escaped into the yard through a
window.
ку yards away, around the north
wing of the pen, however, time had run
out in cellblock four. It was the home of
snitches, or at least generally thought to
be. And it would not matter much that
on that night, many of the block's 96 men
were there for other reasons—because they
were weak or victimized or unjustly
branded, or were simply mentally ill
felons in a state with almost no facilities
or treatment for them save those cells.
When a prison is he'd together by fear of
the faceless informer, when the only way
to buy necded protection from guards or
prisoners may be to inform, and when a
heedless administration may betray by
stupidity or design its own informants—
when that is the system, the truth about
individual men will not matter.
Now the rioters were about to break
to cellblock four, and there was one
last betrayal before they did. For hours,
the inmates in four had watched and
listened to the unquelled riot, and іп
moments of quiet had heard the sickening
hiss of the blowtorch eating away the
grille. Desperately. they barricaded them-
in their cells, some even trying
e their grilles shut with towels or
ets.

Then, suddenly, there were lights and
forms outside, state police arrayed on
the perimeter—only yards away throug
a back door to the cellblock letting
onto the yard. "And you know,” remem-
bers one inmate of the cellblock, “we
started calling for the guards. There
weren't any guards there. We were flash-
ing 5055 with our lights, ying to get
those cops to come in, І mean, all the
state troopers that were parked all up
and down the fence, man—why didn't
they come in? The back door was right
there.”

The riot plan of the prison did reqi

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PLAYBOY

that the main tower keep at all times
an emergency set of keys to every
door of the prison. That night, as for
several months, there was a tower key to
the outside door of cellblock four—but
none to the grille just beyond that closes
off the cell area. Їп any event, the state
police watching the rampage inside, see-
ing the glow of the torch, did not even
ask for the keys.

The sun was coming up behind the
Sangre de Cristo. As the last of the
grille bars melted away, the predators
began to yell the names of thcir in-
tended victims. Once inside the block,
in the minutes before they cut through
to open the individual cells, rioters
ran from cell to cell, pointing to the
condemned, sometimes throwing flam-
mable liquids through the bars and then
matches to ignite the victims, Some men
in the cellblock remember an organized
“execution squad" of seven or cight as-
sassins, some a wild mob of merciless kill-

ers. Outside, а prison official heard a
whistling sound, looked up toward the
cellblock with binoculars and watched
four or five inmates hold a man down
while another burned his head and face
with a blowtorch. Execution was also by
ax and rope, by electric drill and sander,
by stabbing and by a steel rod driven
through the head. A convicted child
molester, a loathed untouchable at the
bottom of the prison caste system, was
hacked and incinerated. They cut and
killed and then decapitated a mentally
ill inmate, whose worst offense іп block
four had been to be different, to lie
naked day after day on the cement floor
of his cell. Someone would subsequently
pick up the severed head of the man,
carry it about on the end of a rod as a
fetish of battle or revolt. And then some-
how, in this charnel-house madness, the
head would be returned to the original
owner, placed between the legs of the
corpse when it was later taken out.

NEW MEXICO STATE PENITENTIARY

THE TAKE-OVER:
HOW IT HAPPENED

1. At 1:40 Ам, inmates seized Captain
Roybal, Anaya and officers
Schmitt and Martinez in dormitory E-2.

Lieutenant

2. At 1:45, four other officers were taken
outside dormitory F-2. Residents of the entire
sauth wing were released.

3. At 1:57, inmates moved through an open
grille into the administrative creo, kicking

222 one hostage down the carridar.

4. At 2:02 Am., rioters smashed the control-
center windows and gained access to the
entire pen; some officers escaped through
the front entrance. As that was happening,
two other officers hid in the basement of
cellblock five, beneath the gas chamber,

5. Between 2:15 and 2:30, rioters broke into
the hospital and sacked the pharmacy for
drugs. An infirmary technician and seven in-
mates hid an the secand floor af the haspital.

Smeared paths of blood led through
the doors of the cells from their back
corners, where the victims had been
cringing. The killing ground included
not just the cells but the catwalk outside,
and some mangled bodies from the up-
per tier of cells were hurled with great
force over the catwalk fence, thudding
on the basement floor two stories below.
A few minutes after sunrise, the carnage
ended in cellblock four. The survivors
Streamed into the rest of the prison like
dazed refugees from a massacre, which
was exactly what they were. Men had
tortured and murdered 12 other men in
that place. And it was not over.

In another wave of killing around
wn, six inmates of dormitory F-1 in
the south wing of the pen were variously
beaten, chopped to death and some later
blowtorched. Six more died much Ше
same ways in dorms A and В. There
would be 50 screwdriver wounds in the
eyeless corpse of one inmate whose

6. At three a.m., three officers were captured
in cellblock three and the residents of that
celiblock were released; inmate Archie Mar-
tinez, the riot’s first casualty, was killed. At
the same moment, ather inmates were taking
ап acetylene cutting torch fram the plumbing
shop in the basement under the kitchen.

7. At seven A.M, inmates finally cut through

inta cellblock four. Thirteen inmates saan
would be killed.

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PLAYBOY

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224

enemies had called him the King of the
Snitches.

Earlier in the night, one inmate had
been sought out specially in a south-wing
cell house and bludgeoned in his bunk
with a shovel, his body later dragged to
the gymnasium and cremated in a pile
of corpses. Another man was taken alone
from far-south dormitory D; they left his
crushed skull and shredded torso in the
corridor adjacent to the prison class-
rooms. Everywhere, bodies were mu
lated, the killing and rage continuing
long after the men were dead. the fingers
of one hand broken as an afterthought
on a burned, dismembered body.

Although the district attorney would
later try to draw the murky but neces-
sary distinctions from terrified witnesses,
there had been murder there by both
frenzy
and Бу scores to settle. Of the 33 dead,
24 were Hispanic, seven were white, one
black and one Indian. It would be said
that there had been mutilations because
there'd been no organizations, and also
that organizations fed the hate that led
to mutilation. It would be said that
La Familia had swiftly taken care of a
few enemies in selected places and ways
and had left the bulk of the extermina-
tion to the bad-dude Anglos. It would
be said that the Aryan Brotherhood
had killed to assert its status and con-
trol in that predominantly brown-skinned
prison. It would also be said—by officials
with an eye on the future—that La
Familia and the Aryan Brotherhood did
not exist, or had not played a role, or
should never be given too much credit,
whatever happened.

The carnage at the New Mexico реп,
and the sequel of official blunders and
evasions through 1980, were а natural
outgrowth of the state’s shabby prison
politics over the preceding у
Throughout the Seventies, incompetence
or corruption. or perhaps both, ruled the
local corrections system with brazen im-
punity, the misgovernment of the peni-
tentiary a mocking fulfillment of the New
Mexico state motto, "Crescit eundo,” “It
grows as it goes.”

1971: The decade began with ап in-
mate work and hunger strike protesting
bad food. the almost total absence of
programs and the abusive and capri-
cious administration. Broken up by
ax-handlewielding guards, the strike
chieved little improvement in conditions.
There was no further inquiry, though
Eugene Long, the pen security chief
(and husband of Rodriguez’ cousin),
was subsequently indicted for three
counts of battery and арр
in putting down part of the di
and was promptly acquitted. Later, he
was promoted to a correctionsdepart-
ment headquarters position, served also
as director of the women's prison and
eventually returned 10 the prison's top

nd tribal rite, by race and chance

avated battery

turbance

“Yep, workin’ late again—but don’t let me stop
you [тот doing what you gotta do.”

225

PLAYBOY

security job after the 1980 riot, where he
soon faced new inmate charges of abuse,
‘was investigated and was again cleared.

1972; An Albuquerque Presbyterian
minister and leader of prison-reform
efforts was pursued and shot at on the
highway south of Santa Fe after te
fying before a legislative committee.

The same minister had been ap-
proached by a newly released ex-convict
and a young Hispanic journalist, saying
they wished to expose on television sev-
eral penitentiary scandals. But the night
before the scheduled program, the c:
con and the journalist were killed by
police in a mysterious incident. Mean-
while, a former corrections secretary
active in prison reform was threatened
n anonymous night calls. There was no
further inquiry.

1973; An internal corrections-depart-
ment report charged that several oui
ers had improperly influenced paroles
from the pen. Named in the report were
Governor g's chief administrative
aide, Toney Anaya; the governor's wife,
Alice; his lieutenant governor, Robert
Mondragon; and Democratic U. S. Sena-
tor Joseph Montoya. All denied any im-
propriety.

According to later accounts of former
oficials and ex-inmates, paroles at the
time were going for 520,000 and up.

A subsequent 1975 investigation of
parole practices found “questionable

conduct" and “peculiar behavior" by
the board but no wrongdoing by the
King administration or anyone else. The
investigation was conducted, however,
by the governor's Organized Crime Com-
mission and by the then-attorney gen-
eral, ya—the same ex-King aide
accused in the 1973 corrections-depart-
ment report.

1975: Attorney General Anaya report-
ed lence of uncontrolled trafhc іп
drugs and other contraband, bribery of
inmates, oritism and discrimi
among employecs, suspected. livestock
theft and other offenses under Rodri-
guez’ wardenship. After the report came
out, Rodriguez was promoted to direc-
tor of all the state's adult institutions.
There was no further inquiry.

1976: The New Mexico pen was pro-
nounced a “national disgrace” by the
new warden, Clyde Malley, a former
Federal corrections official who de-
plored the denial of inmate rights,
the general filth, guard cliques and the
resulting poor staff morale. Malley
turned up hundreds of ice picks, hack
saws, knives and other weapons in what
was described as the first complete shake-
down in the history of the penitentiary.

Praised by the citizen corrections
commission, the grand jury and exin-
mates for his effort to make basic changes
in prison conditions, the warden left
баша Fe in less than two years and

was later publidy called a liar by Ro-
driguez. There was no further inquiry.

1977: The powerful Democrauc chair-
man of the Legislative Finance Commit-
tee declared “unreasonable” a proposed
salary raise for pen guards, whose pay
level was then 39th out of the 50 states.

A major class-action suit was filed for
prisoners by the A.C.L.U., charging pen
overcrowding, violence, bad food, in-
humane visiting procedures, the lack of
medical or psychological services and
other abuses.

According to prison records, mentally
ill inmates were untreated, put in body
casts, confined to 6'x9' unventilated,
unsanitary "strip cells" without bedding
for indefinite periods and often left to
self-mutilation and suicide. Yet
would be no executive program, and no
legislative appropriations, for expanded
forensic facilities. There was also no
further inquiry.

1978: King and Mondragon were re-
elected in a close race. But the black
secretary of corrections, former university
professor Charles Becknell (retained in
an election deal for black votes), was soon
forced out by the governor's men in the
legislature. (“Му wife’s very best friend
is a black woman,” said one state sena-
tor during his attacks on Becknell.)

1979: In December, 11 men escaped
from the penitentiary. The usual at-
torney general's investigation implicitly

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PLAYBOY

228

excused Rodriguez and middle-level
officialdom, leaving the blame on low-
ranking guards and the department
secretary, Becknell, who immediately re-
signed. Rodriguez was then, at last, in
line for the secretaryship.

1971-1980, inclusive: Some 13 gr
jury reports detailed major problems
at the pen, often calling for special
audits or investigations. The reports
were duly filed with no further inquiry.

A series of court orders оп prisoners
rights and conditions went ignored by
the penitentiary administration and un-
enforced by judges, with no inquiry.

Legislative appropriations for the pen,
consistently lower than official budget
requests, were also often less than the
amounts actually spent by the prison.
But there was no inquiry by legislative
budget officers or the state auditor.

Meanwhile, there were repeated and
specific charges by ex-inmates of wide-
spread penitentiary corruption, includ-
ing traffic in drugs and fireanns, graft in
food supplies, fraud in state vouchers,

“Canned peaches again! $

theft of inmate personal property, official
embezzlement of thousands of dollars in
Veterans Administration funds intended
for inmates’ education, manipulation of
the parole system and deliberate over-
crowding to ju increased budgets,
and even organized gambling between
the prison and nearby Santa Fe Downs
(where race days were said to reduce pen
К pressure: "You could get a bet
down, but you couldn't get a shower,”
remembered one staff officer). And about.
all of this, there were no official

Somebody,” one former penitent
official said later, "had something on
everyone.

.
It was nine А.М. Saturday morni
the wounded and trembling
ing the building into the yard were be-
ginning to relate the scenes of carnage.
Through the day and into the cold night,
the official radios would crackle with
voices confirming their stori
"We got no dead staff members in
here,” one voice said.

gand

he knows

I hate canned peaches!”

Then a voice interrupted: “There arc
dead people all over this damn floor:

Later, another voice: “Attention, all
units. Attention, all units; stop killing
each other. No more hurti
other.” A pause, and the same тап
speaking to no onc, and everyone: "Man,
there's blood all over this damn floor . . .
up to your ankles.”

Outside, officials heard all that as the
penitentiary grounds rapidly took on the
tableau of a battlefield. National Guard
troops—until a few hours before just
some sleepy on a Saturday morn-
ing—deployed uncertainly around the
building. Helicopters thrashed апа
throbbed overhead. Ambulances and pa-
trol cars lurched through the throng,
hundreds strong, of relatives, reporters
and sightseers on the two-lane state high-
way leading past the prison reservation.
Medical tents were set up and began to
receive a mounting stream of wounded
and drugoverdosed inmates among the
refugees, who by the end of the day
would also number іп the hundreds.
Huddled under guard at one end of the
yard, wrapped in blankets against the 40.
degree cold that day and the freezing
desert night to follow, those men stared
out blankly at the ponderous siege camp
formed in front of the pen.

At the tiny main gatehouse, the
command, Rodriguez was

ере
control.
ig. who

Everyone—not least Governor

arrived on the scene at 9:
understood that Rodriguez w
the chief there, as always. Other int
ested parties swarmed in and out of the
gatehouse: the lieutenant governor, legis-
lators, Rodriguez men, Kings men,
favored journalists, utter strangers.

Fortunately, the negotiations were
never particularly subtle. Despite the
butchery of inmates or the beating and
sodomy of hostages, the rioters assured
the authorities no guards would be killed.
The governor said the pen would not be
stormed. Officials were intent on fres
the hostages, rioters on better conditions.
In the early exchanges, the prisoners de-
manded first the resignation of the clique,
including the deputy warden to whom
they were talking, and at least four other
senior officers. But as the negotiations
wore on, as the inevitability of the old
politics outside became all too clear, the
mate envoys began to refer respectfully
to “Mr. Rodriguez” and to reduce their
demands to postriot immunity and to
specific improvements in the pen.

The inmate positions were a familiar
litany, echoing back over 20 у
'ederal presence to prevent retaliation;
reformed classification: an end to over-
crowding; better food, recreation and
ing; the stop-
ping of disciplinary abuses, the snitch
system and general harassment. Official
responses—the consensus of Rodriguez
is underlings—were variously vague,

s—a

education; increased vis

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yenuous, Months afterward,
none of the concessions apparently given

evasive, «ізін

this would have been

bloody Saturday
uinely realized

At midday. the killing abated, Some
bodies were dragged into the gym and set
ablaze, while most others were left where
the murderers had finished with them
And around both the dead and the living
now seeped the eflluence of the rest of
the mayhem, the sheer physical rava
of the building
lets and sinks and exposed pipes had
been bashed and pulverized. and the
sewage now ran out of cells and lavato-
ties into the hallways, mixing with broken
with tor
tion from offic
dren.

as well as the men. Toi

glass, paper ol every descrip-
al files to photos of chil-
with sheets and slashed mattresses
and with blood. Almost every floor of the
pen was covered with thar gruesome man-
made silt. Through the day, the water
grew foul and cold. Fires smoldered in
the dormitories and. of course, in the
ymnasium-become-pyre. The sunlight
filtered through barred windows. pierc
ing the smoke and muck. The prison had
the odor and feel, witness would
say later. of an open-pit dump.

Yet there were also strange islands of
order amid the Dormitory
Е?. where it had all begun 12 hours be
Tore, almost undisturbed. As the
killing and screaming had gone on with
in earshot, а
filled with smoke, inmates moved in апа
out of E dr
television.

There were islands,

as one

devastation

was

as the corridors flooded

king coffee and watching

too, of humanity

c heroism. Inmates іп the
north wing gave their three guard hos
tages food, coffee and cigarettes. and
repeatedly protected them from attack

by other inmates, Those officers would
be among the last to be released—but
ako the only hostages uninjured. Mean-
while, by Saturday noon, other convicts
began to give first aid to the slashed and
sade wing

olhcers the south
courageously with leaders
that the suffering guards should be re
leased. Throughout the morning's slaugh

ter. men had protected fellow men Irom

mized

anui riot

Ше pens predators, and some now
helped others escape. or carried ош
wounded—and even when they were out

they went back into the dank,
acid hell to help still more,

At 8:30 on Saturday morning Gover-
mised the rioters access
For

side, frec,

nor King had prc
media.
amid lurid reports of murder and lunacy
inside.
sed while Rodriguez and other ne

to the the next ten hours,

there жеге по more hosta

rele: 0

effect overruled King's commit-
ment. No reporters in the pen. they told

tiators

the prisoners, until all hostages were
freed. At three vat, the gatehouse got a
false report of the murder of four guards.

and the governor ordered an assault on

the prison, only to rescind the order 15

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232

minutes later, when the report proved
unreliable,
Finally, a little after seven, inmates
met with two local broadcasters, who
promised to take a television camera
inside the pen the next day to air the
convict grievances. Within an hour, the
s released Anaya, badly beaten and
suffering from a previous heart condition.
Between then and midnight, two more
hostages, the fifth and sixth of the 12,
were sent out in return for conversation
with the media. But with the night, the
mood turned ugly again on both sides.
Corrections officials were furious at the
presence of the reporters. One of the freed
guards was the man the rioters had kicked
naked down the main corridor to break
о the control center, and that night he
had been beaten again, moments before
being released tied to a chair. The other
oflicer given over was Schmitt, who had
been stabbed, sexually assaulted апа
epeatedly tortured since he'd been taken
24 hours before in the dark aisle of E-2.
“We're going to hold off till tomorrow
morning,” an inmate radioed through the
pen at 1:07 л.м. Sunday. “Make sure
those guys are fed and nothing happens
to them. Хо hostages will be hi
Rioters told reporters they would end the
htmare the next day if negotiati
were held in front of the med

there was that night left. As a compa
tive quiet settled over the encampment
outside, as relatives and reporters shiv-
ered s along the highway, sections
of the prison were still aglow with
flames. The smoke was a sharp gray
against the night sky. Listening above the
hum of the crowd, relatives down the
road could hear the screams from inside.
One of those who heard the screaming
in the night was a newcomer to the scene.
As the rioters got their news confe
nd the remaining hostages were slowly
talked free the next morning, reporters
and inmates noticed him among the
ranking officialdom moving importantly
about the gatehouse. Heavy-set, a jowly,
creased face beneath gray
he would later posture as commander of
the troops and police retaking the peni-
tentiary. He seemed practiced, perh:
too practiced, in the role. And although.
no one there apparently knew it, he had
brought to that cold smoking plateau yet
another bizarre element of the story.
°

Having rid himself of his unwanted
black corrections secretary—a man whom
the clique called "the nigger upsi
Governor King seemed ready in carly
January 1980 to appoint Rodriguez
last to the highest penal position in the
state, a title and career-crowning prestige

“I hear you're the bouncer here. I do
a little bouncing myself.”

to match the de facto power he had
wielded for years. At the last moment,
however, a group of powerful old-family
Anglo legislators warned the governor
that the appointment would be too
much, would compel an investigation,
and King hurriedly looked elsewhere.

At the arde iun of both
the state's chief justice and its purchasing
director, the governor selected without
further question a native Hispanic New
Mexican and erstwhile Federal official
aid to have much law-enforcement ex-
perience. On January 31, the day of the
fatelul intelligence meeting of pen offi-
cials, King announced the appointment
of Adolph В. Saenz, “a person of such
excellent quality and expert experience,
said the governor, that it was a “great
pleasure” to have him. Summoned to the
riottorn pen that weekend, Saenz wi
swiftly confirmed by the New Mex
ico senate to preside over rebuilding the
state's shattered facility and reputation.

What no one in the Statchouse knew,
or acknowledged, was that the vaunted
new corrections secretary had spent 17
years in the 17 S. Office of Public Safety
(OPS), a ClAinspired program estab-
ished in the late Fifties to advise foreign.
police in suppressing political dissent in
Latin America and elsewhere—and then
abolished by bipartisan Congressional
action 90 years later amid well-docu-
mented charges of U.S. complicity in
torture and political terror.

The whistle was blown on OPS after
the body of U.S. police advisor Daniel
Мигіопе was found crumpled in an old
Buick convertible on a barrio side street
of Montevideo, Uruguay, on August 10,
1970. Kidnaped by the Tupamaro url
Шаѕ and then killed when the Uru-
n government refused to ransom
him by freeing political prisoners, Mi-
trione was flown back to the States to a
ıtyr's funeral by the Nixon Adm
istration, While the murder aroused

mounting controversy оу
ported represion in Latin
Scores of Latin journalists, clergy and
others told of grisly police torture of
political prisoners in Uruguay, Brazi
and elsewhere, Stripped, beaten, sexu
ly abused, tortured under water and on
racks, burned with electric needles unde:
fingernails, shocked with electrical wires
on the brea
of men, the victims described their
onies in accounts that repeatedly
pli U. S. advisors were sa
to have supplied the torture device:
nstructed their Latin police di

test techniques, in some cases even
a present at or participated in the
sessions.

Mitrione, Washington's official martyr,
became a prominent figure іп much ot
the emerging scandal. But in the accu-
; evidence about pol
шау, there were also numerous

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reports of atrocity for some time prior
to Mitrione's arrival in Montevideo in
the late summer of 1969. The evidence
poured in not only from political dissi-
and victims but from a multiparty
by the Uruguayan senate, from
the Nobel Prize-winning Amnesty In-"
ional, from a former Uruguayan
police commissioner who resigned in
revulsion, from another police official
who was tortured himself as a suspected
Tupamaro spy. from Catholic priests and

then from the U. S. Catholic Conference
of Bishops. Torture in Uruguay, said

the array of authorities, had been “com-
mon,” “normal,” “habit ' before 1969.
And the U. S. advisor who had been
Mitrione’s predecessor for four years,
whose office was on the first floor of the
Montevideo jefatura, where torture re-
portedly took place and the screams of
Victims reverberated, who by his own
account had intimate and influential
relations with the Uruguayan police,
was Adolph Saenz

From Montevideo, allegations of tor-
ture by his police clients would. follow.
Saenz through subsequent assignments
п Coloml: d Panama. By the time
he left Panama to return t0 teach
International Police Academy
1974, the OPS was under rising condem
nation in the 10. S. Congress and. press.
When U.S. advisors were exposed in

the scandal of the infamous “tiger cage”
torture
then

cells in South
nator James
existence of а
8 for

underground
Vietnam, when
Abourezk rev
torture "school" I foreign
police, when columnist Jack Anderson
nd other rescarchers could find theses,
films and other documents at the Inter-
national Police Academy dealing with
torture, Congress moved in bipartisan
action to abolish the OPS—the only
agency so eliminated in the postwar
period. Without opposition from a Ford
Administration fearing a full investi-
gation, the OPS was disbanded by 1975

The ават of the disgraced agency
glided quietly into simi
some of its old clients in Washington—
consulting firms and the new Drug En-
forcement Administration. Meanwhile,
Saenz himself drifted through four Fed-
eral jobs over the next four years, the
first at barely half his old 537,800 OPS
salary and попе for longer than a year
and a half.

Mong the way, he applied through
merit channels for а junior $10,000-a
year planning position in a bureau of
the New Mexico corrections department
and was routinely rejected for lack of
experience or training іп penology.
Then, just as his last job as a deputy
director of the Gustoms Patrol was being
abolished in late 1979, Saenz's patrons
in Santa Fe swung into action. Still
without qualifications and with his OPS
background apparently unknown or ig-
nored, he was promptly offered by K

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the $40,000-a-year secretaryship of New
Mexico's troubled corrections depart-
ment.

It was now after sunrise on Sunday,
February 3, 1980. On a smoking high
desert in northern New Mexico, there
was the nervous rustle and the dull
crack of readying weapons among hel-
meted troops preparing for an assault.
hed dark women begged
sualties,

their plea
sharp шо dingy
concrete building stood surrounded by
police cars, mili
men in various ц while off to
the side, between the besieging forces
and the building, behind a high enci
cling fence, hundreds of men wrapped i
blankets clustered together to keep
warm, and to wail

Just after dawn, another guard es-
caped the pen, having been hidden by
inmates and then given convict clothes
to sneak out with a group of surrender-
ing prisoners. The rioters released an
other hostage, a battered Roybal, in
return for a promised 8:15-A.M. news
conference. The beaten and stabbed
Martinez, the young guard at the door
of E2 so long before, was helped to
escape from the rear of the реп later
in the morning. and by noon still an-
other officer was freed, leaving two
hostages inside, along with the men
still hiding above the hospital and the
two guar the north basement crawl
space.

Most of the pen's few dozen blacks
1 banded together to protect one
nother, and now, having fled, they
were huddled in the yard when a larger
group of Hispanic prisoners suddenly
started to chase them, shouting, Ш
the blacks." As the blacks pressed against.
а corner of the fence and the mob ad-
vanced, a county sheriff ordered Guards-
men and police at the fence nearby to
"lock and load" and aim their weapons
and gave the attackers five minutes to
retreat. Seconds before the deadline, the
Hispanic prisoners faded back.

The news conference scheduled for
8:15 had not yet been held, and officials
still stalled for time. Finally, а little
after noon, $4 hours after the guards
had been jumped in E-2, the rioters
granted the television and press
interview they had been demanding.
The self-appointed negotiators, and now
spokesmen, were the hard men of cell-
block three. Although they talked of
grievances and ha ent, the inter-
views wandered, and the inmates were

now concerned with warding olf retri-

bution—;

d with their postriot ho
amera, Rodriguez assured five
of them they would be transferred out of
state. The drama and carnage, the tu-
mult and agony, were all suddenly

ending in talk of a few inmate transfers.

At the last moment, a helicopter
swooped low over the negotiations in
front of the pen. The inmates angrily
pulled back the two remaining hostages,
whom they had taken to the entrance.
But the helicopter was urgently radioed
away and the last two officers went out.
It was 1:26 р.м. Sunday. The riot—this
riot—was over.

Minutes later, after a series of false
маг and aborted orders over the past
day and night—and now with Saenz
yelling "Move out!” to SWAT teams
that had no idea who he was—the police
reentered the prison. From front and
back of the pen, the special assault
oups went in with only vague infor-
mation and small crude maps of a coi
plex most had never seen. Some believed
there were hostages still inside. One
team entered the outside door to cell-
block four but was blocked from the
horror inside by that grille to which an
emergency key was missing. The team
had to circle around to the back of the
pen to enter by the kitchen, and, once
inside the main corridor, they met

another team that did not expect them
and almost opened бге. At the same
moment, in the north end, SWAT
team encountered sheriff's officers who
had unexpectedly followed the assault,
and there was another near disaster of

scared armed men mistaking one an-
other for the enemy. To add to the
confusion, miscellaneous officials, poli-

nd onlookers now filtered into
morbid, oflicious, self

ticians

civilians alike tramped
blood and
muck, past the charred remains in the
gym, by the crushed, mutilated bodi
strewn the length and breadth of the
pen from dormitories to cellblocks. The
hiding fugitive officers were freed from
the crawl space and the medical techr
and inmates with him from the
second floor of the hospital. Some trem:
bling, empty-faced men were still crouch
ing in their cells in block four. A few
dead bodies were in cells jammed shut
and could not be removed for days.
Wounded, drug-overdosed men were be-
ing led from the building. Medical and

Police and
through ankle-deep wate

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PLAYBOY

238

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state-police forensic teams entered to tag
and photograph the bodics for the mas-
sive criminal investigation to follow, but
at least two corpses were removed before
they could be photographed, and photog:
raphers hurried through the rest. Anthro-
pologists would later be summoned to
examine the ashes and muck for frag-
ments of bone; they knelt carefully in
the gymnasium, as if searching some
primeval burial ground

Through the smoke and slop and
sheer vileness of it all, some of the de-
liverers, like the train of official visitors
that would come later, took weapons
and other objects as souvenirs. Some,
too—the attorney general's report would
later refer to them tactfully as “non-
inmates"—then pillaged the unharmed
prison hobby shop and prison industries
of more than $7500 in items owned by
inmates, as well as by the state. Retaking
officers found the penitentiary’s Protes-
tant chapel desolated, like most other
parts of the building, while the Catho-
lic chapel had hardly been disturbed,
except lor the outline of a corpse stained
into one of the aisles.

Out on the highway, the relatives
keeping their vigil heard of the assault
with new alarm. For 30 hours, they had

tion. Warden Griffin, ostensibly the public
spokesman, had been cut off from the de-

cisions and intelligence а often
misinformed. Numbers, names, condi-
tions had been given, taken away and

then rearranged amid growing agitation
and despair among the families. Then it
was over and the cruel confusion and
uncertainty continucd for hours and, for
some, even days.

Rodriguez had entered the building
after it was secured. Then he cime out
and was surrou by reporters. “I
opened this реп “һе told them
somberly. "It wa
state it was in—it was really b

Yards away, the governor w
phantly announcing to a crowd of r
tives that the prison һай been retak
When he finished, he pointedly stepped
forward and kissed the forehead of a
small Spanish woman. King smiled. The
woman's face was tight, impassivc. “But
what happened,” she asked, “what hap-
pened to our men?

.
In Ше days afterward, the state and
much of the n were shocked at the
barbarism of the riot. The New Mex-
ico legislature repentantly authorized
$88,000,000 to repair the prison, house in-
mates elsewhere and design and build a
new $50,000,000 prison. Governor King
promised a “model” penitentiary. AH save
100 of the inmates were transferred
temporarily to other state and Federal
prisons across the country. But from
primitive, stifling stone jails in Oklahoma,
(continued on page 212)

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pay off. No time limit and no dictionary. Answers and scores appear on page 242

1. coprolalia 3. callipygian 5. hippomaniac 7. macromastic 9. gravid
2. fellatio 4. osculate 6. gynarchy 8. ecdysiast 10. Lothario

11. voyeurism
12. concupiscence

PLAYBOY

242

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Answers to puzzle on page 241

cal'lispyg'i*an (kal'i*pij'isàn), adj. Relat-
ing to or having shapely buttocks.
сопесирізесепсе (kon*kii’ presens), n.
Sexual desire, lust.

cop ro*la'li*a (kop'rosla'liea), n. The
use of obscene language.

ec*dys'i*ast (ek«diz'i«àst), n.
Stripteaser.
fel-la'ti*o (fe*
stimulation of the penis.

grav'id (gràav'id), adj. Pregnant.
gyn'archey (jin'àrski), n. Government
composed of women.

hip'po*ma'ni*ac (hip'ó*ma'nisàk), n.

A lover of horses.

Lo-thar'i*o (lo*thar'i«), n. A seducer, a
rake.

mac'ro*mas'tic (mak'ró emas'tik), adj.
Having very large breasts

os'cu-late (os^kü lat), v. To kiss
vo'yeur^ism (vwa'yür'iz'm), n. The
obtaining of sexual gratification from
seeing sexual acts.

answers
1-F 2-1, 3K, 4-E, 5-B, 6-), 7-1, 8-A, 9-H,
10-D, 11-G, 12-C

scores

10-12 Erotically Erudite

6-9 Orally Outstanding

3-5 Potentially Provocative

0-2 Verbally Impotent

SANTA FE

(continued from page 238)

from new Orwellian electronic isolator
cellblocks in Arizona, from harsh work
details and rigid discipline, they watched
what then happened—and petitioned des-
perately not to be returned to Santa Fe.
Within weeks, Saenz trans
and brought Rodriguez back as acting
warden. Although his own OPS history
had by then been exposed. he also named
as departmental deputy an old friend
and former OPS officer in Colombia and
Guatemala. Over the next four months,
the habits of the jefatura governed the
corrections system. Pen and department
were Closed to the press. Budgets were
juggled, employees threatened with lie-
detector tests, critical journalists smeared
as “Marxists” and Пау. The pen was left
to its old unaccountable masters, while
King was conducted on periodic tours to
assure the public of suitable progress.
Reformers accompanied statesupreme-
court justices on a spring tour of the pen,
nd when they insisted on the justices’
seeing the strip cells, when the tour then
found fresh blood on the floor of one of
the strip cells and the attending guard
furiously thrust the keys at a woman re-
former, saying, “Here, you run this god-
damned place,” the state chief justice (and
епу erstwhile patron) merely laughed.
By mid-June, Saenz had obliterated
what morale remained in his bureaucracy,

hired one nephew to a key job and inter-
vened to prevent the firing of another,
and was at last under widespread fire іп
the press and even among outof-session
Lake

legislators. King then went to
Tahoe for a governors’ confe
Rodriguez with him. When he теп
he fired Saenz and named an aide to be

Saenz blamed his demise on Rodriguez
que. аз well as on Marxist
. But in a stormy open hear
ing on corrections polices after Saenz's
departure, King dashed savagely
testifying ex-convicts and prison reformers.
“You're excused. I've heard enough,” he
snarled at them when they insisted on
more thin five minutes he'd given

the

them. There was no clique, по wrong-

doing, he told the hearing. His defense of
Rodriguez and his dismissal of the critics
was emotional and transparently person
far beyond the political loyalty of a gov-
eror to a state employe

Then. new wave of intimidation
struck public critics of the system. Families
of prisoners were photographed and
threatened as they demonstrated in front
of the pen, and the photos were re-
portedly used later as the object of
obscene remarks by administrators as in-
mates passed through meal lines. Others
active in prison-reform movements werc
nearly run down on Santa Fe sweets,

too, 4

were followed by strange cars, threatened
by night calls, harassed as they attempted
to visit prisoners and had their homes
and apartments burglarized.

At the penitentiary, there was a postriot
regimen of bruta price and i
credible security lapses in which both
inmates and conscientious guards were
victims. The new chief of security and the
deputy warden were accused by inmates
of abuse—the former promptly cleared,
the latter removed from the реп, though
quietly shifted to a department sinecure.
In a summer settlement and consent or-
der, the old 1977 A.C.L.U. class-action
suit produced a thick, e'aborate set of
new regulations. Yet when the A.C.L.U.
and the inmates pressed for enforcement,
especially for Federal involvement, the
0.5 Attorney and the FBI remained
paralyzed by local politics, and the Justice
Department took no initiative lest it
embarrass the state Democratic machine
Jimmy Carter needed badly in Ше Presi
dential election at hand.

In the corrections department, bureau-
crats shrank in fear of Rodriguez’ obvious
and sustained power. They would offer no
help to undermanned, frustrated new
guards who had been hired after the riot
at improved salaries. only to struggle
inst slovenly security, the hostility. fear

and cover-ups of the old entrenched officer
and

corps the resurgent violence and
institutional control of the feral men in
cellblock three, Through summer and
carly autumn, there were a suicide, two
murders and numerous stabbings and
ssaults on guards and staff personnel,
most of them uninvestigated and hidden
from public view

Finally, in late October, frightened
prison guards and other workers appealed

in a formal "safety grievance” to the state
personnel director, begging that "some-

th In

ng bc done before it is too late,

more than 30 internal prison memos—
reports sent to Rodriguez [rom June
through October and continuously

ignored—the corrections officers docu-
тешей a gathering torrent of
threats and physical attacks by inmates.
‘The maximumsecurity men of. cellblock
three, the most unstable and lethal in the
pen—many of them about to be indicted
for murders during the riot—had been
stripping away а shoddy chain link fence
in the unit to make knives and ice picks
They had showered guards with urine
and bleach, hit them with rocks and fists
They had roamed the cellblock unhand-
cuffed, crawled under unanchored fences
in the exercise yard, congregated by scores
when there should have been no more
than five outside at any one time. It had
all happened as senior guard commanders,
Rodriguez’ men, men of and around the
dique, had stood by. And it climaxed at
the close of October in a week of stabbings,
murders and mounting terror.

There was much the same derelict

IF THE MORAL MAJORITY HAS ITS WAY,

YOU'D BETTER START PRAYING.

The Moral Majority—and other groups
like them—think that children
should pray in school. Not just
their children. Your children.

But that’s just the beginning.

They want their religious
doctrines enacted into law and imposed
оп everyone.

If they believe that birth control is a sin,
then you should not be allowed to use
contraceptives.

If they believe that abortion is wrong,
then you should not be allowed to have one.

If they believe that the Bible condemns
homosexuality, then the law should punish
homosexuals.

If they believe that a man should be the
breadwinner and the divinely appointed head
of the family, then the law should keep women
in their place.

If they are offended by the ideas in cer-
tain books, then the law should ban those
books from your libraries and schools.

Andlike Joe McCarthy, they believe that
anyone who disagrees with them should be
barred from teaching in the public schools.

These new groups are on the march and
growing stronger each day. Their agenda is
clear and frightening: they mean to capture
the power of government and use it to estab-
lish a nightmare of religious and political
orthodoxy.

And they are dangerously deceptive.
They appear to represent American patriot-
ism, because they wrap themselves in the
American flag and use words like “family”
and “life” and “tradition.”

their kind of “patriotism” violates
every principle of liberty that underlies the
American system of government. It is intoler-
ant. It stands against the First Amendment
guarantees of freedom of expression and sepa-
ration of church and state. It threatens aca-
demic freedom. And it denies to whole
groups of people the equal protection of
the laws.

Тһе new evangelicals are a
radical anti-Bill-of-Rights move-
ment. They seek not to conserve
American values, but to over-
throw them. And conservatives as
well as liberals should stand up against them.

THE DANGER POINT.

These groups have already had alarming
success. They have been pivotal in blocking
passage of the E.R. A. in fifteen states. Public
school boards all over the country have
banned books and imposed prayer and other
religious ceremonies. State legislatures have
begun Placing increasingly severe restrictions
опа woman's right to have an abortion.

They have grown into rich and powerful
force in this country.

raises a million dollars with its television
program.

How powerful? In the last election, key
members of Congress were successfully tar-
geted by them for defeat, because of their
positions on abortion, E.R.A., and other civil
liberties issues.

Already there is talk in Congress of con-
Stitutional amendments or new laws that
would impose prayer in the public schools,
outlaw all abortions, and repeal the Voting
Rights Act of 1965.

How rich? Ina week, the Moral Majority.

the question of whether the Moral Majority
and other groups like them have the right to
speak. They do, and we would defend that
right. The danger lies in the content of their
views, not in their right to express them.

Nor is it a question of political parties.
The ACLU is non-partisan and does not
endorse or oppose candidates for public office.
But we will make certain that, whatever other
changes may occur in the political arena, the
Constitution does not become a casualty of the
new order.

WHAT THE ACLU CAN 00.

For 60 years, the American Civil Liber-
ties Union has protected the Bill of Rights. As
former Chief Justice Earl Warren wrote:
“Indeed, it is difficult to appreciate how far our

‘freedoms might have eroded had it not been for
the ACLU's valiant representation in the courts
of the constitutional rights of people of all per-
suasions. . ."

We've been there in the past and we'll be
there іп the days ahead. We will meet the anti-
Bill-of-Rights forces in the Congress, in the
courts, before state and local legislatures, at
school board hearings. Wherever they
threaten, we will be there to resist their
attempts to deprive you of your liberty and
violate your rights.

WHAT YOU CAN DO.
The ACLU, like the Moral Majority,
depends on individual contributions, But

E they raise more money in a few weeks than

we raise ina year.
We canonly be as strong as the num-
ber of people who support us.

Inthe past, when the Bill of Rights was
in danger, enough people recognized the
threat, and came together in time to repel it.
Such a time has come again.

Please send us your contribution before
another day passes.

Without your help, we don't have a
prayer.

AMERICAN CIVIL LIBERTIES UNION

Dept. PB, 132 West 43rd Street, New York, NY 10036

GL want to join the ACLU and help fight the new anti-
Bill-of-Rights movement. Enclosed is my check in
the amount indicated below.

C] 1 donat want to become a member, but enclosed is
my contribution.

CJ Tam already an ACLU member; enclosed is anextra
contribution.

Ose 11550 11500 029.00 More

NAME
ADDRESS. —
city.

Ameren Ciri Leies Urien Norman Done. Pes lane. Exec Desir

STATE. ZIP.

We are facing a major struggle over the
Bill of Rights. This struggle does not involve

PLAYBOY

244

security throughout the penitentiary, sa
the protesting guards—no binoculars in
watchtowers, patrol and pursuit vehicles
h flat tires and dead batteries, riot-
control grilles left open. as always, sally-
port gates that had not worked for a year,
new clectronic locking mechanisms care-
lessly placed іп reach of possible inmate
"horwiring." guards with faulty
none at all, and often only two officers
assigned to supervise the 350-400 inmates.
of the entire south wing—in blatant
lation of the recent court order requir-
Ng at least one guard for each dormitory
nd cellblock.

There was speculation that the prison
regime had deliberately allowed security
10 lapse in some heavy-handed attempt to
show they could not run the pen under
the restrictions of the court order,
that there were too many privileges and
standards and that such unruly inm
did not deserve better condition
obvious somebody wants it th
пру young guard said of the i
ligence. "And when you look at it,
ils criminaL" But whatever the crude
bureaucratic games, there was also much
evidence last summer and autumn of the
old, familiar incompetence, of men who
ely made mistakes, buried the evi-
nd ran the penitentiary only in
craven coalition with the
dominant felons of the institution.

By mid-Novembe the contagion of
violence
with a nea
dormitory. The victim was an inmate who
had testified against the deputy warden in
lier investigation of brutality. An
immediate shakedown produced two guns
and more than 100 knives—wl
lministration later proudly displayed.
But the state did not admit nor show the
haul of some 25 gallons of home-brew,

adios or

n c

E ET

which could have been produced and
stored in such amounts only with the
complicity of the prison author he
next day, there was another incident in
cellblock three as three guards were in-
jured and inmates teargased. At the
same time, a prison psychologist was told
by several inmates not to go to work
more, that hostages would soon be
taken. In the weeks before Christmas,
under the rule of many of the same men
who had run it lor a quarter century, the
New Mexico state prison teetered on the
edge of yet another catastrophe.
Meanwhile, Rodriguez had been hon-
ored by his peers for outstanding scrvice
and bravery during the riot. And after a
tively neutral, factually accurate re-
port on the riot itself, the state attorney
general had issued the long-awaited part

rel

two of the legislatively mandated study,
the section purporting to examine causes
and history. Written under the direction
of a scion of an old Anglo family thought

be independent, the report nakedly ех-
onerated Rodriguez and King with ersa
sociology about prison life and implicitly
blamed a former governor and other
officials, like Warden Malley, long gone.
“It was the final fucking over of the
natives by the Anglo establishment.” опе
observer said angrily of the report. point-
g to the majority of poor Hispanic
tes who hud been, and remain, the
prey of the prison-system abuses.
By November, too, in time for the t
gassing and cover-up of the homebrew,
3 new corrections secretary had arrived
to replace King’s close aide, who had
been an affable caretaker after Saenz.
The new man was named Roger Crist,
former warden in Montana and an
old friend of Rodriguez. They had
smoked cigars together, agreed that the
pen had its ungovernable men and

=: = ТЕШ ee OER
و‎ ILL tme um GEILE EM Сеа

“We used to call it stampeding,
now we call it jogging!"

settled that Rodriguez would be the
nking deputy secretary in a new ге
organization of the department. Crist
sisted that he had seen no cliques in the
New Mexico system and pronounced it
"farfetched" that an inmate stabbing
could have had anything to do with testi
mony against an official. He had complete
freedom to hire and fire, of course, like
his predecessors—and he would keep
Rodriguez and his men. “You have to
give the governor the benefit of the
doubt,” said the chairman of the Senate
Rules Committee, who had approved
Saenz without question and who would.
then rubber-stamp Crist.

“Why did it all happen out there?” i
former forensic psychiatrist asked himself
tion with reformers as the
sary of the riot approached.
To the rage and madness of criminally
disturbed men, we added the extra rage
and madness of a rotten administration.
Its corruption incompetence not

ad і
only led to neglect of the prisoners but
also created the conditions that then let
loose the madmen on the others.”

“Society doesn't like that plac
former guard said of the penitentiary.
“And people in this state willingly went
in ignorance, while the politicians
^t want them to know, anyway. Men
like Felix Rodriguez took care of the
prison when no one else wanted to, and
now we're shocked at the consequences.
We have only ourselves to blame.”

Nine months after their ordeal, the 12
guards who had been held hostage in the
riot were given paltry 50 to 60 percent
disability settlements by the state. None
had returned to any sort of work. Some
were deeply, perhaps permanently
scarred. No sooner had they been freed
from the rioters’ tyranny at the pen—
one of them thrown out the front door
of the prison with a fragment of broom-
stick still lodged in his anus—than the
tortured officers entered a new
On one side, they
a state government denying its r
bility to them lest it have to à
larger li; ty in the millions of dollars.
of civil suits stemming from the riot
the other, by a legal swamp in which
their very recovery could jeopardize a
just compensation. “The state wants them
to disappear,” said a psychologist familiar
with their plight. “The theory is that to
collect, they'll have to be vegetable:

On the wall above the console of the
demolished control center at the pen,
there had been a small familiar sign, a
frivolous popular slogan put there long
before, that had somehow survived the
frenzy of last February. Many of those
involved would later remember it as a
bitter, ironic epitaph on all that had
happened before and after the riot at
the New Mexico State Penitentiary. The
sign read simply, THIMK.

Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health.

| TRIUMPH №
IUMPH

Lorillard

Filter: 3 D таг, 0.4 mg. nicotine av. per cigarette, FIC Report Jan. 19803
Menthol; 3' т, "tat, 0.4 mg. nicotine av. per cigarette by РТС Method?

PLAYBOY

246

Gilbeysidea ` ..
ofa Gin and Tonic: `

м.” “
А ad 0 ”
.« € Taste the gin, too. A
- * Gilbey's Gin is made with a unique idea in mind. !

The taste of the gin is important and should not be hidden
by the mixer. So when you drink a Gilbey's Gin & Tonic,

you'll taste the gin, too.

fz PL ANY | BOYS 5
T

HABITAT.
CELLARS FOR YOUR SMOKES

e all know the old Kip-
ling dictum about a
cigar's being a smoke,
but your favorite puff
is going to last only so long unless
you store it in such a way that the
lobacco leaves don't dry out. And
just as bourbon tastes better when
poured from a Baccarat decanter,
зо а cigar that's been plucked from
a polished-wood or precious-metal
humidor psychologically smokes
superior to one that's been stashed
in an old tin box. Aside from look-
ing like it was crafted (огап English
men’s club, a great cigar humidor
should also be airtight and, ideally,
lockable—the price of cigars

being what they are today. Add

a moisturizing device and

you've got a permanent home
for your most cherished
cheroots. Now you're smoking!

Following the numbers: 1. For the
well-heeled puffer, Cartier in New
York is offering a walnut and ivory an-
tique humidor that was made in Eng-
land about 1850, $1395. 2. This hand-
some multidrawered pigskin and wal-
nut humidor, from Mark Cross, New
York, $600, features a release catch
that, when pressed, opens the cigar
drawers. 3. A cedar-lined campaign-
style humidor of oiled Honduras
mahogany, from The Brentwood Com-
pany, Silver Spring, Maryland, $400.
(Brentwood will also custom-make
other sizes to your specifications.) 4.
An English-made airtight ebony-
veneer humidor that comes with a lock
and key, from Nat Sherman, New York,
$1000. 5. Sterling-silver cedar-lined
cigar humidor, from Tiffany, New York,
$2275. 6. Burlwood humidor com-
plete with a moisturizing device, from
Alfred Dunhill of London, Chicago,
$625. Shown with the humidors is a
pocket cigar cutter also from Alfred
Dunhill, $21, and Macanudo Baron de
Rothschild cigars, about $32 for 25.

DON AZUMA

247

FASHION
THE BIG JUMP TO JUMP SUITS

all them jump suits, coveralls or flight suits, the look is
already well established among the young at heart and—
like our levitating fellow below—i

beach cover-up), replace a lounging robe when you're watching
TV or go on the town to a casual party or a disco. Furthermore,
jump suits come in a multitude of

colors and fabrics (we even show one designed as a rain suit in our
City Slickers fashion feature in this issue) ranging fromthe thinnest
white parachute material to heavy-duty jungle camouflage cloth.
And because jump suits can be worn so many different ways, we
predict that the look will be more than just a passing fad. Perhaps
it's a preview of tomorrow, when everyone will jump into his
clothes and zip up. That idea may be more than just an

illusion. — —DAVID PLATT

into one bright style—
а yellow-cotton model with zip-front closure, by A. Smile, $40; worn with a reversible leather!
cotton blouson jacket, by Comstock, $275; and a combed-cotton shirt, from Garret by Robert
Bruce, $30. Jumping over to the inset at far left, we see a jump suit of another color: It's a cotton
khaki one with zippered pockets, by Kiffe I, about $50; coupled with a cotton knit short-sleeved
pullover, by Ramrod, $16. The middle inset photo shows а polyestericotton jump suit, by Male
Sportswear, $60; plus a striped cotton/polyester rugger shirt, by Canterbury of New Zealand,
542.50. The inset photo below right focuses on a different breed of jump suit—a short-sleeved
style, by Lemon Twist, about $40; that’s teamed with a sleeveless cotton tank top, by Forge, $15.

CHRIS WAHLBERG

DAVID
PLATT'S
FASHION
TIPS

"Iis spring, and as your fan-
cies turn to thoughts of your
summer wardrobe, the first thing
10 do is buy yourselí a bouquet
of neckties. Bouquet is an ap-
propriate term, because the pre-
dominant color theme for the
months ahead is floral pastels in
various hues from pink and
peach to lilac, yellow and mint.
Worn as a counterpoint to a
dark business suit and white
shirt, a pastel tie by itself is a
refreshing look, But if you really
want to step out looking spiffy,
try combining, say, a light gray-
ish-blue suit with a lavender
shirt and a pink tie. The combi-
nations are endless.

We've said it before and we'll
say it again: А short-sleeved
dress shirt worn under a business
suit gives the wearer a my-how-
thatboy-is-shooting-up look
that undermines the best of tai-
loring. If your office is hot, take
off your jacket and roll up your
sleeves. Save short-sleeved dress
shirts for more casual suits worn
as sportswear.

When shopping for a summer
business suit, don't stock your
closet with nothing but classic
and conservative grays and navy
blues. Suits in lighter shades
and looser weaves are now the
norm—and it's a welcome
change to which everyone is
rapidly adjusting. In keeping
with this trend to lighten up
outdated traditions, dress shoes
are also becoming more casual,
many reflecting details bor-
rowed from athletic shoes. One
we like, for example, is a
smooth brown lace-up with a
thin white rubber sole. It’s based
on the classic bowling shoe.

We're pleased to announce
another happy trend that will
help in the endless war on your
wallet, Many styles of reversible
coats and jackets are currently
hitting the market and—sur-
prise!—both sides of the gar-
ments are good-looking.

249

Н
1
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i
З
B.
Т
|
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Qa Wee

GEAR
THE DART AGES

ext to chugalug contests and chatting up the girl on the next stool, playing darts is probably a pub crawler's most popular
pastime. Years ago, dartists would fling their missiles at the butt end of a wine cask. Today, the target is a bristle board housed
in a cabinet with places for scoring, plus dart-storage racks. And here's another point—a serious darter carries his own set of

arrows, often custom weighted and available in a variety of metals from brass to tungsten alloy. Shooters also have their ow
darters “diddle for the middle." Fire when ready, Didley!

special language: To see who goes first, you and your fellow

Devil or Angel?

Charlie's Angel TANYA ROBERTS is working up |
an original magic trick. She's trying to pull a hat
out of a rabbit. EDDIE RABBITT, that is. We call
this sleight of hand grabbing all the gusto.

The Sheik of Cable TV

And you thought he was just pushing dog food. Heeeeeere’s ED McMAHON and a bevy of
former Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders, the TEXAS COWGIRLS, rehearsing for the next oil
embargo. Actually, they're working оп a sketch for Showtime, the cable variety show. Hit it, Ed.

CELEBRITY NEWSERVICE

Sneak Preview

The story goes like this: Mel Brooks spotted MARY- MARGARET HUMES's poster last year and

promptly signed her for а part in History of the World- Part I, which will be in the theaters
252 this summer. We spotted this pic and voted her the celebrity breast of the month.

Come Get These Memories

Back in the days when the Jefferson Starship had all
of its astronauts, MARTY BALIN and GRACE SLICK
buried the hatchet. Now Balin's writing an opera,
Rock Justice, and Grace is checking for wounds.

It's Not
the Meat,
It's the Motion
We've been

gearing up for
baseball season.
Here's one of our
favorite pictures
from the official

rule book under

the heading

“How to Settle
Disputes Without
Bothering the
Umpire.” That's
MEAT LOAF ex-
plaining a point

to BILLY JOEL.

Rock...
and Rolls

Hot off the press:
We got this thea-
ter review from
actor turned
critic ROCK
HUDSON of
JESSICA JAMES's.
performance in
the Broadway
play Gemini. It
looks like a hit.

T FOR TEXAS,

T FOR TACKY
The Greatest Little Bachelor Book in
Texas, a catalog of Lone-Star manhood
on the hoof, lately has topped the
Dallas best-seller lists. Besides confirm-
ing the TV show Dallas' image of that
city's smart set, this publishing success

T-SHIRT OF 4 MONTH

7а)

GARRICK MADISON.

Wait a minute, is she talking about skis or a
preferred aprés-ski activity? Either way,
this business can get very rough on the
knees and we urge caution at all times.

marks a new trend in mate finding.
The pulpy pictures-and-all paperback
was conceived as a woman's simple
{some say simple-minded) alternative
to singles bars, computer dating and
blind dates. Just pick out a guy and
send him a letter. Better yet, use a form
letter and write to all 200. A sampling
of the wares? How about Texas’ most
famous Jewish cowboy singer, Kinky
Friedman, who rates playing miniature
golf a favorite dating activity? Or Dr.
Theodore Gambordella, author of 34
Ways to Increase Your Bust? We'll bet

SEX NEWS

he gets a lot of mail. To check them
out, send $5.95 to SusAnn Publications,
3110 Fitzhugh, Dallas, Texas 75204.

SPRING FEVER? TAKE AN ASPIRIN

You can’t count on your fancy turn-
ing to, uh, love this spring. University
of Texas physiologist Michael Smolen-
sky suggests the real season for height-
ened sexual activity is late summer/
early fall. To support his hypothesis, he
cited the following evidence at the
Tenth World Congress of Fertility and
Sterility in Madrid. He said that U. S.
birth records show that most babies are
conceived in mid-October and inci-
dence of gonorrhea peaks from late
August through October. An English
study found contraceptive sales highest
at midsummer. In October, male tes-
losterone levels measure highest, while
sperm counts tend to be 20 percent
lower than usual, perhaps an indicator
of sexual activity. If from this we can
conclude that our biological alarm
clocks go off in August, then right now,
it's about three A.M. That's enough to
make your fancy turn—and toss.

PASS THE PASTA,
SCARSDALE'S ON THE RUN

It was only a matter of time before
health professionals took up jogging
and started looking into the claim that
joggers have more fun in bed. The
Running Psychologist and The Ameri-
can Medical Joggers Association news-
letter both describe a new British
report that says increased libido is not
caused by running but by something in
the runner's diet, Runners may experi-
ence great sex, but usually on the day
before the big race, not after. What
gives? Since carbohydrates provide
muscle power, runners often observe a
carbohydrate-loading diet. First, they
deplete the body's store of carbohy-
drates by running and then avoiding
them for several days. Then, for three
days before a race, they load up on
carbos. Earlier research shows that a

diet restricted in fat and protein but
rich in starches reduces the frequency
and duration of impotence. The jog-
ger's regimen of depletion and loading
had an even more dramatic sexual ef-
fect in the British study. The experiment
involved a group of impotent men, an-
other group that had difficulty achiev-
ing orgasm and a normal group. Half.
of each group was given the runner's
depletion/loading diet, while the other
half (the control group) ate what they
thought was a high-carb diet but actu-
ally was a normal diet. The results
show an increase in sexual activity
among all groups. All the men on the
normal diet showed small improve-

A Jackson Hole, Wyoming, ski freak
swears what Jackson Hole's motto
“Ski the big one” refers to. If that is true,
we're confused about the skiing out there.

ments (attributed to wishful thinking),
while all men on the depletion/loading
diet showed greater changes—the two
groups with sexual dysfunctions im-
proved an average of 67 percent and
the normal men on that diet improved
13 percent. This means that sexual
marathoners don’t have to run—

they just have to eat like runners. EB

Fantasy Graphics ought to put some zip in her Zip Code. You can buy them for lessthan a buck at card shops and department stores everywhere.

Looking for a valentine greeting, but it's not hearts and flowers that are on your mind? Try the direct approach. These all-purpose cards from |

*Puerto Rican white rum

makes a smoother

than gin or vodka?

martini
”

*We consider our Puerto

Rican white rum martini

a classic?

Equestrian trainer Hector Gandia and his
wife, artist Janet D'Esopo.

The white rum martini is every bit as
crisp and dry as the gin or vodka variety.
Yet it possesses a smooth refinement the
others lack.

White rum also makes decidedly
smoother drinks mixed with tonic or
cada тте eei ese

All because every drop of Puerto Rican
white rum is aged at least one full year,
by law. And when it comes tosmooth-
ness, aging is the name of the game.

Hint: Some bartenders maintain that
the crispest white rum martinis are
shaken instead of stirred.

Make sure the rum is Puerto Rican.
The Puerto Rican people have been
making rum for almost five centuries.
Their specialized skills and dedication
result in a rum of exceptional dryness
and purity. No wonder over 85% of the
rum sold in this country comes
from Puerto Rico.

PUERTO RICAN RUMS

For free "Light Rums of Puerto Rico" recipes,
write Puerto Rican Rums, Dept. Р-1,

PLAYBOY

LYNCHBURG |

HARDWARE& GENERAL STORE

23 Main St., Lynchburg, TN 37352

EDDIE’S FOLLY T-SHIRT
Right now I'm having to eat my words
because | told my partner that his new
Tshirt would never sell. | was wrong
You can read for yourself what it
says... black shirt with while lettering

It's 50% cotton-50% polyester, and
we think you'll have some fun wearing
it around. Order S, M, L and XL. $6.00
delivered.

Send check, money order or use American Express.
Visa or Master Charge, including all numbers and
signature.
(Tennessee residents add 6% sales tax )
For a color catalog full of old Tennessee items and
Jach Оатег= memorabilia. send $1.00 to the above
gress. Telephone: 615-759

Exotic European
boudoir fashions...

Sleep-wear from top European
designers. Just recently made avail-
ablein North America—befirsttotake
advantage of this unique collection.
Two full-color catalogs for only $2—
yours FREE when deducted from
first order.

NIGHTCLUB 220

Inthe USA; Box 1446, Blaine, Washington 98230
In Canada: Box 91190, West Vancouver, B.C V7V 3N6

NEXT MONTH:

Pa а

| RITA JENRETTE

^ V.
‘ZUCKERMAN UNBOUND

KOKOMO'S GIRLS MUSIC'S YEAR

“THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF RITA JENRE yi
THIS REVEALING SELF-PORTRAIT, THE WIFE OF THE ABSCAM-
CONVICTED EX-CONGRESSMAN TELLS WHY SHE'S GOT ТО PURSUE
HER OWN COURSE NOW—AND WHY THAT INCLUDES A SINGING
CAREER AND AN APPEARANCE IN PLAYBOY. AS FOR THE PHOTOS,
DID SHE OR DIDN'T SHE? FIND OUT NEXT MONTH

“ZUCKERMAN UNBOUND'"—WHAT HAPPENS TO A WRITER
AFTER A RAUNCHY BEST SELLER MAKES HIM A LITERARY LION?
AHUMOROUS EXCERPT FROM THE LATEST NOVEL BY THE AUTHOR
OF PORTNOY'S COMPLAINT, PHILIP ROTH

“HOW TO OUTSMART THE IRS"—THE MAN WHO WROTE LAST
YEAR'S BEST-SELLING ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THE IRS:
A TAXPAYER'S GUIDE UPDATES HIS ADVICE FOR YOUR 1980
RETURN—BY PAUL STRASSELS

“PLAYBOY MUSIC '81"—YEP, IT'S THAT TIME AGAIN. TUNE IN
FOR THE RESULTS OF PLAYBOY'S MUSIC POLL PLUS HITS, HYPES
& HEAVIES AND DAVID STANDISH'S FIRSTHAND REPORT OF
LIFE ON THE ROAD WITH WILLIE NELSON AND FAMILY

EDWARD ASNER, TELEVISION'S LOU GRANT, TALKS ABOUT
THE REAL MARY TYLER MOORE, HIS OPINIONS OF AMERICAN
POLITICS AND LABOR UNIONS AND WHAT IT'S LIKE TO WORK IN
THE COUNTRY'S MOST FAMOUS, BUT FICTITIOUS, NEWSROOM
IN A FREEWHEELING PLAYBOY INTERVIEW

“l HATE GOLF'S GUTS"—ONE OF THE REASONS THIS COUNTRY
IS GOING TO РОТ IS THAT TOO MANY PEOPLE ARE FOOLING
AROUND ON THE GREENS. A FUNNY LOOK AT THE GENTLEMAN'S
GAME—BY JAY CRONLEY

“THE GIRLS OF KOKOMO"—IT'S А SMALL TOWN IN INDIANA
HITHERTO BEST KNOWN AS A SONG TITLE. BUT, BOY, IS THERE
A LOT OF BEAUTY DOWN THERE. WE SHOW YOU A BUNCH OF IT

"PLAYBOY'SSPRING AND SUMMER FASHION ҒОНЕСА5Т”--
JUST LOOKING AT THESE STYLES WILL MAKE YOU FEEL WARM ALL
OVER. THE LATEST SARTORIAL SELECTIONS FROM DAVID PLATT

Magnavox introduces
Gourmet Video.

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РЕА gp
р д rere BET pem

Magnavision.
Video for people
who know and

love video.

You seek only the ultimate.
technology in the electronic gear
you own. You'd like to control the
Sequence, speed and direction of
what you watch on your television
screen. And you wish for a range
of programming far beyond the
common fare.

For you we have a bright idea
called Magnavision. It is Gourmet
Video for the video gourmet
A picture that's clearer than tape
and less costly, too.

Magnavision is an advanced
LaserVision™ videodisc player. Its
optical laser scanner, a videodisc
and your TV set team up to give you
a picture that's amazingly sharp and
clear. Even better, the Magnavision
picture remains this good even
after thousands of viewings. That's
because there is no direct contact
between our laser and the disc.
Unlike your phonograph,
Magnavision doesn't use a needle.

Instead, a laser beam of light

€ 1263 ALFRED J. HITCHCOCK PRODUCTIONS. INC

high-fidelity stereophonic sound
And since there is no disc wear,
the Magnavision sound stays
crystal clear, playing after playing.
You can see and hear major

movies with theater-like realism.
Rock concerts and classical
performances come alive before
your ears and eyes. Magnavision
has to be heard to be believed.

‘Simulated TV pure,

“reads” encoded pictures and
sounds through a protective coating
on our grooveless videodisc.
There's no contact. No scratching.
No wear. No disc deterioration.
The picture will remain as sharp
and clear years from now as
it is today.

The hearing's as good as the
seeing.

Speaking of sound,
Magnavision is
designed to be played
through your home
Stereo system so you can
hear what you see in full

РОР,

Studio-like controllability puts
you in command of the action.
Now the real fun begins. You not
only watch and hear Magnavision.
You play with it, too. Magnavision's
controls are so simple to operate,
even children can enjoy putting it
through its many playing modes
Touch REVERSE to create
your own instant replays or the
sheer fun of looking at things back-
wards. SLOW MOTION lets you

slow the action by a little or a lot so.
you can follow a golf pro's swing
inch by inch until you ve got it
down pat.

STILL lets you see a museum
full of art (up to 54,000 pictures on
each side of a disc) one piece at
a time. You can advance frame by
frame like you would with slides.
Or hold a single picture for as long
as you like with no damage to the
disc or the player.

FAST FORWARD moves the
picture at three times normal speed
for hilarious effects. While SEARCH
lets you scan an entire side of a
videodisc in just 26 seconds. INDEX
displays the number of each disc
frame (54,000 per side) on your
TV screen to help you locate
Specific scenes.

AUDIO 1/AUDIO 2 gives you
two separate audio channels for
discs recorded in stereo. Or two.
individual sound tracks to give you
the choice of hearing a movie in
English or another language, like
Japanese.

Only LaserVision systems like
Magnavision let you watch and
play so many different ways. Even
in FAST FORWARD and REVERSE
you never lose sight of the picture.
Watch what you want whenever
you want.

With Magnavision you have acom-
plete library of MCA DiscoVision™
Programming to choose from.

Blockbuster movies like The Electric
Horseman. Classic films like The
Bride of Frankenstein. Cooking
lessons by Julia Child. Documen-
taries from Jacques Cousteau.
How-to-do-it tennis, golt, swimming
and crafts. Music, concerts, саг-
toons, the arts and NFL football. And
videodiscs cost far less than pre-
recorded videotapes.

Full-length movies like Smokey
and the Bandit are only $24.95.
And many educational and instruc-
tional discs are only $5.95.
(Suggested retail prices.)

Only Magnavision is
Gourmet Video.

Magnavision is without a doubt
the brightest idea in home video. Its
picture, sound, playing action and
library of available programming
are bound to please the most dis-
crirninating video gourmet. For full
information on Magnavision and
your nearest dealer. call toll-free
800-447-4700. In Illinois, call
800-322-4400.

£198 MAGNAVOX CONSUMER ELECTRONICS CO

The brightest ideas in the world
are here to play.

Exit bland. Enter KOOL.

Here is low ‘tar’ smoking satisfaction that plays to
rave reviews.

KOOL MILDS gives you a refreshing sensation
that goes beyond the taste of ordinary low ‘tars:
There’s only one word for the KOOL experience:
Bravo!

XO)

CLASSA CIGARETTES

Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous toYour Health.

Kings, 11 mg. “tar”, 1 1 mg. nicotine av. per cigarette by FTC method.

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