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JULY 1981 * $2.50 


JAYNE 


PRISONER 


OF WAR OR 
TRAITOR? KENN EDY | 
PARE d SIZZLING PHOTOS 
уе pH 
GARWOOD* | 
[ 
| 
FIRST LOOK AT = | 
MEL BROOKS' 


NEW COMIC 
EPIC, HISTORY _ 


THE VERGE OF / 
A SAFE, SURE 


CONTRAGEPTIVE? Us 


HOW BASEBALL'S 
WINNING 
PITCHERS 
STARE DOWN 


THEIR 
SECRET FEARS 


|. ít better. ~ 


= |8 


mg, nicotine, 


Nobody docs. it better: A ў 


; Lhísisyourworld. — су 


; This is your Winston. 
y $ Smooth. иш 
Taste itall. _ 


Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined 
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health. 


Mitsubishi puts high technology to work 
to bring you the kinds of cars and trucks 
you want. 

For example, Mitsubishi builds the car 
rated #1 in gasoline fuel economy in the 
size America wants most, the subcompact. 

Mitsubishi also builds a peppy small 
pickup with plenty of power, payload 
and personal comfort. 

Then, for those who want a luxury sports 
sedan, Mitsubishi builds one with standard 
high-technology luxury features not available 
in any other car. 

No maker of cars and trucks is more 
aware of the practical needs of drivers 
in the 1980's. Yet Mitsubishi designers and 
engineers realize that people 
also want performance, 
handling and comfort. 

At Mitsubishi, our answer 
is to put high technology 
to work—with innovation 
from the inside out. 


PLYMOUTH CHAMP/DODGE COLT 


EON PICKUP 


Standard on all Mitsubishi-built vehicles, this 
engine design features a third, or ‘jet, valve 
that injects an extra swirl of air into the 
combustion chamber to provide lively perform- 
ance while allowing us to 
exceed today’s tough emission 
standards. Nothing like it exists 
in any other car or truck 


EXCLUSIVE SILENT SHAFT ENGINE 

Standard on Mitsubishi-built pickup truck and 
sports sedan, this engine features two counter- 
balancing shafts which rotate in opposite direc- 
tions to cancel out noise and vibration inherent j 
in conventional four-cylinder engines, for a d 
smooth, quiet ride. 


^. MITSUBISHI'S HIGH-TECHNOLOGY CARS AND TRUCKS. 


1981 EPA estimates for Dodge Co 
with 1400 cc engine and 4-spee 
comparisons. Your mi 

weather. Actua 


© MITSUBISHI MOTORS CORPORATION 1981 


SOLD AT CHRYSLER-PLY MOUTH AND DODGE DEALERSHIPS. 


Seven & Seven. 
Sounds so good you can taste it. 


Seagram's 7 and 70Р» over lots of ice. Crisp. Icy. Delightful. 
And if you think it sounds good, wait until you taste it. Enjoy our quality in moderation. 


сайса, 


(2) 


Seven Crown 


Seven f Crown 


AMERICAN WHISKEY 
A BLEND 
Oakey of datincve ced 
эге wich fall od 
without а trace of Meine 


Hod A KA] 


“пи NUS coria SITS 
OOP или уз : 
"лит 50 шимал та зи, 


SEAGRAM DISTILLERS CO., МУС. AMERICAN WHISKEY — A BLEND. 80 PROOF. 


“SEVEN. UP” AND 7 UP" ARE TRADEMARKS OF THE SEVEN-UP COMPANY E 1981, 


Seagram's Z Crown 
Where quality drinks begin. 


IT'S NOT EXACTLY on deep background that the pleasurable 
act of sex can have a sometimes disconcerting aftereffect, that 
of membership in the P.T.A. To avoid lengthy discussions of 
elementary school curriculums (can you say con-tra-cep-tion?) 
requires that you be part doctor, part pharmacist and part 
bedroom politician. We've cast writer David Black (pictured at 
right) in all three roles for an update on the state of casual 
union called Beyond the Pill For the illustration, we 
couldn't conceive of anyone better than Don Ivan Punchatz. 

That's all pretty serious stuff, so to balance things out— 
or, rather, tip the scales in the other direction—we've added 
the wackiness of Mel Brooks. Brooks has just wrapped the 
latest in his string of madcap movies, this one tantalizingly PUNCHATZ 
titled History of the World—Part I. Its stars include Brooks, 
of course, Modeline Kahn, а bevy of Playmates and our own 
Editor-Publisher, Hugh M. Hefner, cast as an entrepreneur 
in what will be either his movie debut or his movie career. 
We were able to obtain a particularly juicy excerpt from the 
screenplay and some shots of the action on the set for you to 
preview. Sculptor Perviz Sedighion provided the artwork 

Former Marine Private First Class Robert Garwood spent 14 
years as a. prisoner of the North Vietnamese, only to be re- 
leased, court-martialed and convicted of collaboration with 
the enemy. Garwood tells his unique story in this month's 
Playboy Interview, conducted by Winston Groom. 

In a similar situation is Dan Black, a former undercover narc 
recently released from Soledad prison. Black penetrated the 
ranks of the Hell's Angels as camouflage for his assignment 
to collect information on possible drug dealing, got a bit 
turned around and ended up committing a crime and serving 
time. His misfortune is the subject of Undercover Angel, by 
Lawrence Linderman, last heard from when he put together our 
March 1981 Playboy Interview with James Garner. 

When you're talking pressure jobs in sports, you have to 
include the nervous Nellies of baseball, the cud-chewing, 
trouser-hitching, brow-wiping pitchers. Pat Jorden, himself а 
minor-league hurler, talks with such diamond greats 
Stone, Tug McGraw and Tom Seaver to see how they go about 
avoiding a rubber room in h cle Pitchers’ Duel. Desig- 
nated artist for the piece is Jack Haeger. 

Remember the little puppet whose nose grew when he told 
a lie? Senior Staff Writer Wolter Lowe, Je, does. With a slight 
change in body parts, he has produced a ribald fairy tale 
about a guy with a comparable problem whose name rhymes 
with the puppet's, Ben Osczhio. Associate Art Director Skip 
Williamson explains the problem graphically. 

Even with all that, we're just beginning. Our cover gi 
Jayne Kennedy, appears inside with hubby leon Isooc in a si 
zling pictorial, Body and Soulmates. Writer-producer-actor 
Leon and sometime sports commentator Jayne have both 
emerged as sex symbols and you'll easily see why. Photogra- 
pher David Hemilten is back with a lyrical portfolio based on Rr P 
the movie Tender Cousins. Aspiring photogs could do a lot JORDAN 
worse than to study Hamilton’s delicate style. 

On the publicservice docket this month is our staffs 
considered breakdown of who and what are Uptight & 
Loose. 1—5 not a quiz, but a quick perusal of the categories 
will tell you where you stand. Wherever you stand, you'll 
look good if you take Fashion Director David Plot's fashion 
direction toward Hot City Lights, a survey of the summer- 
suit scene. 
inally, we'd be unforgivably remiss if we didn't mention 
the special charms of our July Playmate, н 
Vancouver native who paints and wr 


PLAY BILL 


Steve 


GROOM 


Sorenson, а 
ез poetry when out of 


her well-deserved limelight. Since talking about it ain't half 


as much fun as di 


g it, we suggest you dig right in. WILLIAMSON HAMILTON 


VoL. зя. но. 7. PUBLISHED wo 
AT ADDL, MAILING orrices SUBS. 


PLAYBOY сн 0032.1478). JULY. 191 
2D.CLASS POSTAGE PAID AT CEO, ILL 


IN THE U- S., 318 FOR 12 ISSUES, POSTMASTER: SIND FORM 3579 TO PLAYBOY, P.O. BOX 2420, BOULDER, COLO. 80302 


PLAYBOY. 


vol. 28, no. 7—july, 1981 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE 
PLAYBILUR o a N e 5 
THE WORLD OF PLAYBOY ........... EER OS 13 
DEAR PLAYBOY ......... лал ncOBS SOOO ODE E 17 
PLAYBOY VIEWPOINT: 
ILLEGALIZING ABORTION ............. ...... -PETER ROSS RANGE 24 
PLAYBOYFAETERIHOURS 2 Spon Ano 29 
MUSICIEN E KE д 2 dA. 


Ben Osczhio 


MOVIES (oer Er e E Кы E 44 
Superman's sequel: faster than a speeding bull 
ICOMINGFATIRACIIONS SPELL 50 
Julie Andrews as a femole impersonator? ondis" Werewolf i is nat his usual 
howl. 

PLAYBOY'S TRAVEL GUIDE ..._ +++..-STEPHEN BIRNBAUM 53 
Do honeymoon packages really deliver? 

THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR .............. ETE denen aen „+++. 55 

THEPLAVEOYIFORUM E ТУЕ cad 59 


PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: ROBERT GARWOOD—candid conversation .... 69 
After spending 14 years in ccptivity in North Vietnam, Morine Private First 
Class Robert Garwood returned to his native America а stranger in a strange 
land. Accused of callaborating with the enemy and recently court-martialed, 
Garwood reveals what really happened over there. 


ill Postlude 


BEYOND THE PILL—article 3 ..DAVID BLACK 98 
When that miracle of contraception freed us from fears of unwanted pregnan- 
cies, sex wos better than ever—until we found out the pill wasn't а panacea, 
after all. An in-depth lock at the future of birth control and how men and 
women are going to work out the particulars, 


HE PROTECTIONI QUESTION EE 100 
Don't assume your partner hos taken core af it; shared responsibility is the rule 

Jayne, leon 8 of the doy. 
2 IS THERE A MALE PILL IN YOUR FUTURE? 101 


The back burner is worming some intriguing possibilities. 


TENDER COUSINS—pictorial . DAVID HAMILTON 104 
Photographer Hamilton, renowned for his soft, eratic studies of young girls, 
once again captures the flawering of womanhood in his latest feature. 


WHISKEY SUMMER—drink ............-..- EMANUEL GREENBERG 113 
f fe For a refreshing summer cooler with a kick, don't forget this all-Americon 
Uptight, Loose 2 favorite. 


GENERAL OFFICES: PLAYBOY BUILDING. 919 NORIN MICHIGAN AVE., CHICAGO. ILLINOIS GONIN. RETURN POSTAGE MUST ACCOMPANY ALL MANUSCRIPTS, DRAWINGS AND PHOTOGRAPHS SUBMITTED 
IF THEY ARE TO ЗЕ RETURNED AND NO RESPONSIBILITY CAN BE ASSUMED FON UNSOLICITED MATERIALS. ALL RIGHTS IN LETTERS SENT TO PLAYBOY WILL BE TREATED AS ОСО! 

FOR PUBLICATION AND COPYRIGHT PURPOSES AND AS SUBJECT TO PLAYBOY S UNRESTRICTED NIGHT TO EDIT ANO TO COMMENT EDITORIALLY. CONTENTS Corrmany © 
MIGHTS RESERVED. PLAYBOY AND RABBIT MEAD SYMBOL ARE NARKS OF PLAYBOY, REGISTERED U. 5, PATENT OFFICE, MARCA REGISTRADA. MARGUE OEFUSEE. NOTHING MAY OF REP) 
OR 1н FART WITHOUT WRITTEN PERMISSION FROM THE PUBLISHER. ANY SIMILARITY BETWEEN THE PEOPLE AMD PLACES IN THE FICTION AND SENIFICTION IM THIS MAGAZINE AND AMY REAL 
PEOPLE AND PLACES 15 PURELY COINCIDENTAL. CREDITS: COVER: MODEL/ ACTRESS JAYNE RENNEOY. PHOTOGRAPHED EY KEN МАЛСЫЗ. OTHER PHOTOG mr: DON AIUMA. P. 200, 241 
DICK BROWN. P. (яв: GRANT EDWARDS. P. 148; STEVE EMERT, p. 97; RAY FISHER, P. 3; ARWY FREYTAG. P- 1B: WARRIET HILAND, т з: BOBBY ROLLAND mCHARD LEM. P. з (2), 216 


COVER STORY 

Sports fons will recognize Jayne Kennedy os the former highlight of TV's NFL Today 
show. Since then, Ihe ex-Miss Ohio's career hos token a hike. Now she's starring with 
husband Leon Isaac in Body and Soul, which we've previewed on page 147. West Coast 
Photography Editor Marilyn Grabowski produced the cover; Ken Marcus shot it. 


PITCHERS’ DUEL— sports . . кез әда РАТ JORDAN 114 
If he's going to lost on the mound, a pitcher needs control, confidence —ond 
the toughness to withstand abuse. An inside account of baseball's pressure 
cooker by o former minor-league pitcher. 


IT'S SO NICE TO GO TRAVELING—modern living ................ 116 
Gadgets and grooming aids to make any voyage bon. 


GREAT DANE—playboy’s playmate of the month ................ 120 
Luckily for us, Heidi Sorenson didn't stay in Copenhagen. 


PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES—humor 


UNDERCOVER ANGEL——article . .LAWRENCE LINDERMAN 134 
The chilling, true story of one of California's most effective undercover narcs, 
a dedicated cop who infiltrated the Hell's Angels, became a doper опа even 
robbed a bank. Dan Black gave everything he had опа lost it all. 


Undercover Angel 


HOT CITY LIGHTS—attire ........................ DAVID PLATT 137 
For day and night, natty summer suits in lightweight fabrics. 
BEN OSCZHIO—fiction ................ ....... WALTER LOWE, JR. 143 
Moored to a blimp of o wife and cursed with а minuscule penis, our desperate Saares 
геме Geor 


hero sets out to alter the course of nature and finds himself in Pinocchio's 
dilemma. Only it isn't his nose that won't stop growing. 


UPTIGHT & LOOSE—humor m 
There are only two kinds of people in this world, and thot fact has nothing to 
do with gender. 


BODY AND SOULMATES—pictorial ..........- fas bee 109 LATA 
The stunning commentator from TV's NFL Today has turned to acting, ond if 
these exclusive rLAYBOY photos ond sizzling scenes from her new film (co- 
starring husbond Leon) ore any indication, she's headed for the big leagues. 


PRUDENCE, THE CARVER'S 
WIFE—ribald classic ................... GIOVANNI STRAPAROLA 157 


HISTORY OF THE WORLD—PART I—humor ........... MEL BROOKS 160 
An excerpt from Brooks's new movie, featuring him as Comicus, o stand-up 
philosopher circo 30 ap., who's slated to play Caesar's Palace, ond Hugh M. 
Hefner as entrepreneur of—vhat else?—Roman beauties. 


LE ROY NEIMAN SKETCHBOOK—pictorial ...................... 167 

PLAYBOY FUNNIES—humor ..... 174 

PLAYBOY'S PIPELINE ...... 2 179 
Electronic breakthroughs. 

PFAYBOYJROTIPOURRUR T e E 216 

PEAYBOYISUNFORMEDISOURGEI TEE IU Ud 239 


It's better under the stars. A camping extravoganzo—everything you need to 
know obout places and paraphernalia. 


ELAYBOY PUZZLE E ee SS 


PLAYBOY ON THE SCENE 
Jaunty Vespas; sensuous silks; sensationol sushi; Grapevine; Sex News. Р. 114 


HOOGSTRATEN А/К / А DOROTHY STRATTEN, 7 


PLAYBOY 


Product of U.S.A. Distilled from grain - Wolfschmidt, Relay, Md. 


Wolfschmidt 
GenuineVodka 
The spirit of the Czar 


Life has changed since the days of 
the Czar. Yet Wolfschmidt Genuine 
Vodka is still made here to the same 
supreme standards which elevated 
itto special appointment to his 
Majesty the Czar and the Imperial 
Romanov Court. 

Wolfschmidt Genuine Vodka. 
The spirit of the Czar lives on. 


PLAYBOY 


HUGH M. HEFNER 
editor and publisher 


NAT LEHRMAN associate publisher 


ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director 
ARTHUR PAUL art director 
DON GOLD managing editor 
GARY COLE pholography director 
G. BARRY GOLSON executive editor 
TOM STAEBLER executive art director 


EDITORIAL 
ARTICLES: JAMES MORGAN editor; FICTION 
ALICE К. TURNER editor; TERESA GROSCH as- 
sociate editor; WEST COAST: STEPHEN RAN- 
DALL edilor; STAFF: WILLIAM J. HELMER, 
GRETCHEN MC NEFSE, DAVID STEVENS senior edi- 
tors; JAMES R. PETERSEN senior staff writer; 
ROBERT Е. CARR, WALTER LOWE, JR, BARBARA 
NELLIS, KATE NOLAN, JOHN REZEK associate 
editors; SUSAN MARGOLIS-WINTER, TOM PASSA 
VANT associate new york editors; J. F. О'сох- 
NOK assistant editor; SERVICE FEATURE! 
TOM OWEN modern living editor; ED WALKER 
assistant editor; DAVID PLATT fashion directo 

MARLA SCHOR assistant editor; CARTOON: 
MICHELLE URRY editor; COPY; ARLENE NOURAS 
editor; CAROLYN BROWNE, JACKIE JOHNSON, 
MARCY MARCHI, BARI LYNN NASH, CONAN PUT- 
NAM, DAVID TARDY, MARY ZION researcher 
CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: ASA BABER. STE- 
PHEN BIRNBAUM (favel), JOHN BLUMENTHAL, 
LAWRENCE 5. DIETZ, LAURENCE GONZALES, LAW- 
RENCE GRONFL, ANSON MOUNT, PETEN ROSS 
RANGE, RICHARD RHODES, JOHN SACK, DAVID 
STANDISH, BRUCE WILLIAMSON (movies) 


ART 

KERG POPE managing director; LEN WILLIS, 
CHET suski senior directors; BRUCE HANSEN, 
BOB POST, SKIP WILLIAMSON associate directors: 
THEO KOUVATSOS, JOSEPH PACZEK assistant 
directors; BETH KASIK senior art assistant; 
PEARL MIURA, JOYCE PEKALA art assistant 
SUSAN HOLMSTROM traffic coordinator; BAR- 
BARA HOFFMAN administrative assistant 


PHOTOGRAPHY 
MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast editor: JEFF 
COHEN, JAMES LARSON, JANICE MOSES associate 
editors; PATTY BEAUDET, LINDA KENNEY 
MICHAEL ANN SULLIVAN asistani editor 
RICHARD FEGLEY, POMPEO POSAR staj] pholog- 
raphers; ВІД. ARSENAULT, DON AZUMA, MARIO 
САУДА, DAVID CHAN, NICHOLAS DESCIOSE, PHIL- 
LIP MIXON, ARNY FREYTAG, DWIGHT HOOKER, 
R. SCOTT HOOPER, RICHARD 1201, STAN MALIN- 
OWSKI, KEN marcus contributing photogra 
phers; viaa. MCCARTY (Los Angeles), JEAN 
PIERRE HOLLEY (Paris), LUISA STEWART (Rome) 
contributing editors; james warn color lab 
supervisor; ROBERT CHELIUS business manager 


PRODUCTION 
JOHN MASTRO director; ALLEN VARGO manager; 
MARIA MANDIS asst. PIT; FLEANORE WACNER, 
JODY JURGETO, RICHARD QUARTAROLL assistants 


READER SERVICE 
CYNTHIA LACEY-SIKICH manager 


С CIRCULATION 
RICHARD SMITH diréclor; ALVIN WIEMOLD sub- 
scription manager 


ADVERTISING 
HENRY W. MARKS director 


ADMINISTRATIVE 
MICHAEL LAURENCE business manager; PATRICIA 
PAMANGELIS administrative editor; YAULETTE 
Cauvet rights & permissions manager; MIL- 
DRED ZIMMERMAN administrative assistant 


PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES, INC. 
DERICK J. DANIELS president 


You might say the new 
Minolta XG-M is in a class 
by itself 

Because no other 35mm 

s : 


LR in its class has its combi- 


nation of creative features, yet . 
is so easy to use 
All you do is point, focus 
and shoot 


The automatic XG-M 
does everything else to give you clear, sharp, beautiful pictures. It even 
has electronic features to prevent mistakes. And advanced features 
like manual metering for advanced photographers. 
To make things tougher on the competition, we gave the XG-M 


something you only find on 
more expensive cameras 
The option of professional 
motor drive, to let you take 
pictures at an astonishing 
3.5 frames per second 

So you can capture fast action. Like a diver's 

twisting entry into the water. Or a racers moment of 
@ triumph at the finish line 
And when you hold this camera you'll know it's 


extraordinary, inside and out. Its built-in textured grip was sculptured 
to fit your hand more comfortably. 

And its advanced design represents an exciting new achievement 
in making fine cameras. Something we've been doing 
for over 50 years. 

The XG-M accepts over 45 interchange- 
able. computer-designed Minolta lenses. 
As well as the Minolta system 

of SLR accessories. 
The new Minolta XG-M. 
4 There's simply nothing else 
like it 

WAIT'TILYOU SEE 

HOW GOOD YOU CAN BE. 


MINOLTA 


For more information write Minolta Corporation. 
101 Williams Drive, Ramsey. N | 07446 
Orsee your Minolta dealer In Canada Minolta, Ontario, LAW 1A4 


Product appearance and/or specifications are subject to change without notice 
©1981 Minolta Corporation 


Lom Sá 
PALA 
"RFR 


TARTE 


Objective: Design a high-performance street 
radial good enough to win on the 
track by integrating technical 

expertise with.racing experience. 


The Radial ТАЗ tire has an 
open, aggressive tread pattern. 
with wide footprint and low 
profile to deliver excellent wet 
and dry traction for positive. | 
steering response, good road (| j 


handling. 


©1981, BFGOODRICH CO. 


ў The Radial T/A tires you buy 
Ld - are the same design and. 
construction developed and 
proven on the track with 
worldwide wins in IMSA and 
Nürburgring events. (Tires are 
shaved to one-half tread depth 
for racing.) 


A. Deep tread depth, five, six, and 
seven ribs wide. 
B. Four-ply DuroGard" folded belt 
system. 
C. Dual compound tread. 
D. Wraparound tread design. 
E. Two radial plies. 


Bold raised white letters on one 
Side, raised black letters on 
reverse sidewall. Zvailable in 
50, 60, and 70 series sizes. 


Every Radial T/A tire utilizes 
state-of-the-art technology to. 
meet the driving requirements 
of a particular vehicle type. 
Whether you drive a sports car, 
sedan, or light truck, there's a 
Radial T/A designed for you, 
TA” High Tech" radials. 
Tuly, the State of the Art. 


PLAYBOY 


Father's Day 1976 


t 
Father's Day 1978 


Father's Day 1979 Fathers Day 1980 


Patience does have its rewards. 


3€ 
Father's Day 1981 


THE WORLD OF PLAYBOY 


in which we offer an insider's look at what's doing and who' doing it 


WE'D LOVE TO SEE YOUR ETCHINGS, WALTER 


What could we say when Walter Cronkite himself called to 
admire Joann Daley's painting of him, which accom- 
panied Ron Powers' February playlet, Cronkite's Last 
Stand? We'd give him the shirts off our backs. Instead, we 
decided to give him the painting. Below, presenting the 
artwork to Cronkite, are (from left) Articles Editor James 
Morgan, Powers and Executive Editor G. Barry Golson. 


HEF GIVES TOM A HAND 


Hugh Hefner and Los Angeles mayor Tom Bradley combine for a 
hand sandwich, with entertainer Billy Davis, Jr., looking on. Hef 
hosted an outdoor political fund raiser held in Bradley's honor 
at Playboy Mansion West. Who says political parties are no fun? 


NORTH TO ALASKA: 
THE PRICE IS RIGHT 


This year's attractions at Anchorage, Alaska's 
annual Fur Rendezvous included dog-sledding, 
native exhibits and our own January Playmate, 
Karen Price. Above, Karen gets ready for a 
bird's-eye view of Anchorage. At far right, she's 
escorted to the Miners and Trappers Ball by 
Don Crosby, who promoted the Rough-house 
Boxing event, where eamest amateurs competed 
for a $1000 purse. At right: A vinlage Price. 


THE WORLD OF PLAYBOY 


RABBIT SOLDIERS 


Pianist Patrice Rushen (below) checks out the 
monogrammed hardware while visiting Twenty- 
Nine Palms Marine Base. The Marines supplied 
the wardrobe in honor of her new album, Posh. 


REALLY? ON THE CAPITOL STEPS? 


Gore Vidal, whose own disillusionment with Washington is no secret, meets 
the indefatigable Rita Jenrette during The Merv Griffin Show after Rita's 
candid photos and opinions, as revealed in April's PLAYBOY, had become 
national news. At Jenrette’s left: comedian/writer Robert Wuhl and Merv. 


BUNNY CROUPIERS READY TO DEAL 


Bunny Croupier Karen Lundberg accepts her 
diploma upon completing the dealer-training 
program at the now-open Atlantic City Playboy 
Hotel and Casino complex. Karen and 186 fel- 
low Bunny croupiers were graduated in the 
casino's 1000-seat showroom along with 324 
other dealers. The graduates now await you. 


PLAYMATE UPDATE: 
TERRI DEBUTS 
IN LOOKER 


Above: Playmale of the 
Year Terri Welles audits 
Michael Crichton's advice 
on the production set for 
Looker, written and di- 
rected by Crichton. The 
film stars Albert Finney, 
Susan Dey and James 
Coburn. At right, Terri at 
the National Hockey 
League All-Star Charity 
Dinner with spouse, Kings 
forward Charlie Simmer. 


presents the 5-door Le Car. 


The best selling car in Europe just got better. 


The surprising little Le Car got better 
the only way Europe's number one car 
could get better. By adding two more 
doors. So now, along with its 2-door, 

Le Car has a 4-door sedan, too. Both 
with a wide-opening hatchback. 

It may surprise you that we could even 
fit two more doors on our little Le Car. 
But then, Le Car is full of surprises. 

Le Car has ample leg and 
head room, and an un- 
commonly smooth ride. 

Surprised? Well, Renault was 
designing cars around people 
before Ford or General Motors: 
even began putting pistons in 
an engine block. 

With its rack-and-pinion steering, 
Michelin radials, independent four-wheel 
suspension, and front- 
wheel drive traction, Le Car 
is surprisingly quick and 
maneuverable. 


VÎ RENAULT 


Over 1300 Dealers 


Actual milen; шу vary. Highway 
Î american MOTORS хто, 


And the peppy 5-door Le Car squeezes 
out every pint of every gallon with the 


same fuel-efficient * EUR = 
AMET asthe | 39 EST 09 MPG 
Surprise! Renault has made more front- 
wheel drive cars than anyone else in the 
world. Over 18 million, in fact. Renault has 
quite a surprising world racing record, too. 
Including wins at Le Mans, on 
the Grand Prix circuit, and in 
the World Rally Championship. 
2 That's world class technology 
at work. 
‘| The final surprise is also 
the biggest. Le Car has more 
dealers than any other 
European import in America. Over 1300 
Renault and American Motors dealers are 
making service a pleasure. 
So if you like pleasant surprises, 
you'll love Le Car. 


«Озе EPA estimates for comparison only. 


"Isn't that an expensive engagement ring 
for a guy on your salary?” 


When І started shopping | 
for a diamond engagement ~ 
ring, $1200 sounded like 
a fortune to me. too. See, 

I figured Id spend just what 
Dad did оп Moms ring. You 
know, six or seven hundred 
bucks — tops. 

At first glance, one 
diamond did look pretty 
much like the next. But when 
the jeweler let me examine 
a couple of different 
diamonds up close, even | 
could see why certain ones 
are worth so much more / 
than others. Then the jeweler | ` 
gave me a great tip on 

` figuring out my price range. 
He said I should set aside 
at least one to two months’ 
salary for the ring. OAN 0 j 

By this time, | understood enough to want to go for the best. 

o coo 2oo засаа After all, | kriow how much my mom loves her 
E E TS E diamond, even today. And the way I figure if, 
we ape = = ifa person can spend big bucks on stereos 
Sine иж еш мю and cameras without batting an eye, 
why should І ѕсгітр on the one thing my fiancée will wear every 
single day? 


Prices shawn are based on retail quatatians and may vary Send for the booklet 
"Everything You'd Love го Knaw... About Diamonds” Just mail $1.00 to Diamond Information Center, 


3799 Jasper St. Philadelphio, PA 19124. 
This message is presented by the Diamond Information © VS 
( Voters Center in cooperation with Jewelers of America, Inc. Look ders 
Е 


oF America.inc. for their logo for more information. 


actual size 


A diamond is forever. 


DEAR PLAYBOY 


ADDRESS DEAR PLAYBOY 
PLAYBOY BUILDING 
919 N, MICHIGAN AVE. 


CHICAGO, 


LINOIS 60611 


RAVES FOR RITA 

You've done it again! Rita Jenrette 
has not only a lovely body with graceful 
lines and nice curves but a mind to 
match those attributes as well. The arti- 
de The Liberation of a Congressional 
Wife (rrAvnov, April) is worth the di- 
ng. I found her to be normal in her 
tc life, above normal in public life 
nd just plain "down to earth," with 
honesty and courage to express herself. 
Go for it, Rita! 


Rod MacGregor 
Nashville, Tennessee 


Besides the tasteful photography, the 

text reinforces what many of us know 

gocs on in one quarter or another all the 

ne. Thank you for a job well done. 

And best wishes for Rita's success. 
Kermit B. Karns 

as City, Missouri 


Rita Jenrette is one gutsy, sophis 
cated, beautiful lady. I feel sorry for her 
husband and Washington, D.C. They 
both lost. 


David La Marche 
Milpitas, California 


Screwed by a tippling, unprincipled, 
flimllamming scamp while Congress was 
in session. Sounds like Rita Jenrette is а 
dle-class American 
Earl Flaherty 
Bangor, Maine 


Rita Jenrette claims she isn't a gold 
digger, yet she prostitutes herself and 
airs her dirty linen in public for a little 
publicity and a few bucks. Hasn't she 
ever heard that “discretion is the better 
part of valor 


Mary Ann DIN 
Detroit, Michigan 


Stand; there were waiting lists and “pre- 
ferred customers only" sales at PLAYBOY 
distribution points! I'm happy that 1 


started my subscription to rtaynoy with 
the dawning of 1981! 

Olin B. Jenkins 

Columbia, South Carolina 


Whatever happened to love, marriage 
vows, loyalty, integrity and pride? 

E. A. Demetri 

Palm Springs, California 


We have here a hit television series to 
vival Dallas, Dynasty and Flamingo 
Road, with a failsafe provision in the 
show's tile: One Marble Step et a Time! 

Bernard Glantz 
Longmeadow, Massachusetts 


RAPE'S MANY VICTIMS 

When I first heard that PLAYBOY, 
all magazines, was publishing an 
on rape (Why Do Men Rape?, 
1 thought, Sure, that's т 


April), 
ly going to 
be a true-to-form story! But after read- 
ing it, I must apologize to you. Richard 


Rhodes's detailed cove 
crime against women is 
more articles such as this, perhaps we 
will finally stop making this a sexual 
crime of men vs. women and put it in its 
proper perspective of men and women 


€ of this violent 
uperb! With 


а Pensinger 
Southlake Coordinator Northwest. 


Calumet Women United Against Rape 
Lowcll, Indiana 


ппог say that I enjoyed Rhodes's 
April article, but I did find it informa- 
tive. One other facet of the problem of 
rape I have never scen examined is ho 
pe affects the men who care about 


victim: the hers, brothers, husbands, 
What a sensation! The lovers and friends. The load of guilt 
nomenal line they carry is overwhelming. Question 


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PLAYBOY 


18 


plague them: Why wasn't I there when 
she needed me? How could someone 
like me have hurt her? How can I 
help her without hurting her more? They 
committed no crime and yet they must 
suffer, and the suffering is often aggr 
vated by a hysterical victim and an un- 
fecling society. 


Thomas C. Anderson 
Chariton, Iowa 


PLAYBOY has made a very grave mistake 
in publishing this militantly antimascu- 
line article. The case reported indispu- 
tably involves a man with a diagnosis of 
paraphilic rape (raptophilia), a condition 
that is as much 2 medical problem as is 
epilepsy. and one that should be treated 
medically. І think it is a sexological di: 
aster that PLAYBOY should forsake human 
decency in order to endorse the role of 
the Inquisition and the Moral Majority 
in condemning a sick man to 50 years in 
prison—then to use the philosophy of 
psychobiology in support of the genetic 
superiority of rape and to end the article 
with the platitudes of the last paragraph. 
The person responsible for the publica 
tion of this article should be fired. 

John Money, Ph.D. 

Professor of Medical Psychology 

Associate Professor of Pediatrics 

The Johns Hopkins Medical 

Institutions 
Baltimore, Maryland 
Rhodes replies 
I found no information that medical 

treatment of rapists is yet generally possi- 
ble or effective. If Dr. Money has such 
information, he didn't share it with 
PLAYBOY when he was interviewed. The 
rest of his letter is gratuitous distortion, 
to which the best answer is my article. 


HOCKEY LUCK 
As I looked through the April issue 
of PLaynoy and came across the delights 
of Playmate Lorraine Michaels. I thought 
she seemed strikingly familiar. It took 
only two pages more for my memory to 
be triggered as to where I had seen this 
ymate beauty before, She is really 
LeRoy Neiman’s Femlin! 
Steve Schell 
Washougal, W: 


shington 


I was pleased to learn that you guys 
have finally discovered the game of 
hockey, and especially the Los Angeles 
Kings. I refer, of course, to the photo: 
graphs of Messrs. Simmer, Goldup and 
Halward, displayed on page 139. Oh, 
yeah, the naked lady on the adjacent 
pages is nice, too. But what's she doing 
in a sports magazine? 

Michael John Palmer 
Kingston, Ontario 


In the midst of mid-term examina- 
tions, pLaysoy once again showed its 
good timing and good taste by lifting 


our hearts with Miss April. Lorraine 
Michaels’ awesome beauty is one of the 
finest ever to grace your pages. 

According to our calculations, the 
Dear Playboy section will cover the 
April issue in good timing with final 
exams. So please, gentlemen, just one 
morc look to inspire us for finals. 

The Men of the Second Floor 

Lackhove Hall 
Shippensburg State College 
Shippensburg, Pennsylvania 

Seems a shame io waste a shot of 
Lorraine on inspiration for finals. But 


we'll assume you guys know what you're 
doing. Hope we came in time. 


BACK HOME IN INDIANA 
Many thanks to pravuoy and David 
Chan for another dandy Girls of pictori- 
al, focusing on the lovelies of Kokomo, 
Indiana, After considering the winning 
looks and assets of Robin Levy, Karen 
Woods and Dianna Main, it’s no wonder 
Kokomo is called the City of Firsts. And 
PLAYBOY is the first in magazines. 
Brett Anderson 
Minneapolis, Minnesota 


Kokomo. 
as often as 


Although I haven't lived 
for some five years, I м 
possible and will always consider it home 
I found it heart-warming to finally see 
and hear of Kokomo in a complimentary 
light. Now many of my shipmates believe 
me when J relate the beauty that can be 
found there. Thank you for the pleasant 
homecoming. 

M. A. Sui 

Wilmington, North 


olina 


I have to write and tell you that there 
are two people on your staff who are 
bsolutely fantastic! I'm speaking of 
David Chan and Sherryl Snow. I'd never 
done any modeling and was appre- 
hensive about posing undresed, even 


though the thought of being in PLAYBOY 
was so personally appealing. But I felt 
as if I were in front of family—perfectly 
comfortable! The shooting was close to 
six hours long, but I can honestly say 
that 1 felt very easy those six hours. 
Sheryl talked a lot to me while we 
worked on my makeup and David joked 
with me while he got the lighting right. 
By the time it was ready to shoot, there 
was а football game оп. and ГЇЇ be 
damned if I didn't get beat out by the 
N.E.L. again! Now, that's what I call a 
professional photographer! I got photo- 
graphed between plays and tacos, but 
it's a wonderful memory ГЇЇ never for- 
get... or regret! 

Jodi Pearce 

One of Your Kokomo Girls 


OUTSPOKEN ASNER 
The April Playboy Interview with Ed 
Asner is great; Sam Merrill did an out- 
standing job and should be commended. 
I watch every episode of Lou Grant I сап 
and have always admired Asner. Asner 
tells it like it could 
jeopardize his acting career—few others 
would have the backbone to do that 
Johnnie Hudgins 
Hampton, Virginia 


is. even when it 


Your interview with Ed Asner has, for 
the time being, restored my hope that 
television can be more than tits, ass and 
canned laughter. 

Richard Crystal 
Los Angeles, California 


MTM Enterprises and Asner are to be 
commended for being involved in one of 
the few intelligent TV programs on the 
air. My only complaint is that the inter- 
View is too short. 


Lynn Parker 
Largo, Florida 


Until I read the interview. I did not 
realize why I liked Ed Asner so much: 
The characters Asner portrays are real 
people. So is he. 

Louis J. Casanave 
New Orleans, Louis 


na 


HALL OF CONTROVERSY 
І opened my April issue and went 
immediately to the Music Poll, where I 
was relieved to find that John Bonham 
had been voted into your Hall of Fame. 
Being one of Zeppelin’s most ardent and 
fanatic fans, unfortunately I was able 
to see him in concert only once, but that 
was all it took. I was hooked. I think 
everybody will agree with the last state- 
ment you made about him: “No one in 
the world plays drums the way he did. 
Eric Mischke 
Kirkland, Arizona 


Bonzo Bonham ive me a break! If 
he hadn't died, the guy would never 
have come within a mile of the Hall of. 


The Beefeater? _ . 
$35,000 True-or-False Quiz. 


Important: These statements are all true but one. 
Tell us which one, and you may win the $25,000 
Grand Prize, the $5,000 Second Prize, or one of 
five $1,000 Runner-up Prizes. 


1. Every bottle of Beefeater you buy in the 
United States is distilled, bottled and sealed in 
the distillery in London. Beefeater is the only 


major imported gin that can make this statement. 


2. Many gins which appear to be English are not 
made in England. 

3. Four generations of the Burrough family have 
distilled Beefeater Gin. 

4. Beefeater is the only gin to have received the 
Queens Award. . . and four times at that! 

5. The Beefeater goes back to the reign of 
William the Conqueror, some 900 years ago. 

6. London Distilled Dry Gin and Dis- 
tilled London Dry Gin are not the 
same. London Distilled Dry Gin must 
be distilled in London, England. Dis- 
tilled London Dry Gin can be distilled 
anyplace. 

7. To this day, the family that dis- 
tills Beefeater Gin personally su- 
pervises each day’s run. 

8, The only known recipe 
for the perfect єз 
Beefeater Martini is in 
the secret archives of 
The Tower of London. 
9. Each bottle of 
Beefeater is individu- 


ally registered—one of the 
many steps in the quality 
control process. 

10. Beefeater is famous as the 
“First name for the Martini.” 


Need help? You'll find 
the official answers in a free Beefeater pamphlet 
at leading spirits dealers and restaurants. Or, 
send a stamped, self-addressed #10 envelope to: 
Beefeater Pamphlet, Box 7187, Blair, NE 68009. 
Do not send your entry to this address. 


OFFICIAL RULES: (No purchase required.) 1, Read carefully the te 
False statements appearing in thisad. 2. On an official entry form or 
plain paper, hand-print your name and address and the number rej 
‘one statement that is false, 3- Mail your entry in a hand-addressed envelope not 
larger than 4/4 5995" (#10 envelope) to: Beefeater Gin Sweepstakes, РО, Box 
9624, Blair, NE 68009. 4. IMPORTANT: In order to be eligible for a prize, you 


senting the 


form (the number of the statement you think is false). 5. Entries 
ved by August 31, 1981. Enter as often as you wish; each entry must 
be mailed separately. 6. Winners will be determined via a random drawing from. 
among all correct entries received. Drawings are under the supervision of D.L. 
independent judging organization whose decisions are final. 


toresid 
age in their state of residence at time of entry. 
Nor eligible: employees of Kobrand Corp. its 

ing and promo- 


cs. Sweepstakes void 
id Utah, and 


State and local laws and regulations apply. All 
ry of the wi 
send a SEPA- 
RATE stamped, self- welope 
to: Beefeater Winners List, RO. Box 
6541, Blair, NE 68009. 


[poco 7 
| Mail to: Beefeater Gin Sweepstakes B 


| Box 9624, Blair, INE 68009 


| (This address for entries only.) 
| The one false statement is number 


l 
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| Name | 
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1 
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State Zip 


EERE меток исто FROM BP GRAIN NEUTRAL SPATS IMPONTED BY KOBRAND CON. NY] 


PLAYBOY 


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This is a comfortable, practical sports- 
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gold braid. It fits all head sizes and is 
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postage and handling 


Send check, money order or use American 
Express, Visa or Master Card, including all 
numbers and signature. (Add 6% sales lax for 
TN delivery) 

For a color catalog full of old Tennessee items 
and Jack Oariel's memorabilia, send $1 00 to the 
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Fame, which is beginning to look more 
and more like the Hall of Flame-Outs 
How can PLAYBOY'S readers continue to 
ignore the real giants of contemporary 
music—people like Chuck Berr 
Domino and Јепу Lee Lewis 
must be some way PLAYBOY can put an 
embargo on voting for the untimely dead: 
otherwise, cheap ism is going 
to make the Hall of Fame meaningless. 
Dan O'Brien 
Sarden City, New York 


A Hall of Fame is supposed to honor 
the greats, especially the greats of the 
past, and the founders of new music. 
That John Bonham (and, earlier, Herb 
Alpert) should be clected to the Hall of 
Fame when Chuck Berry comes in 13th 
in the voting is an injustice. 

Fred N. Breukclman 
Dover, Delaware 


WHAT'S UP, DOC? 

My practice involves cosmetic dentist- 
ry, which is very tedious and time-con- 
suming work. In order to add some fun 
to this otherwise scrious business, I came 
up with “tooth art.” The patient requests 
something to be painted on his porcelain 
созуп, І then do the artwork and fire 
the crowns in an oven. I have done 
everything from simple cartoon charac- 
ters to copies of Picassos. Most of the 
crowns are for posterior teeth, where the 
nting can be seen only if the patient 
ats to show it. When T do an anterior 
tooth, as with the Rabbit Head, two 
crowns are done, one plain and one with 
the painting. In that way, the patient can 
have the crowns interchanged, depending 
on the occasion 

Charles J. Lamberta, D.D.S. 
North Massapequa, New York 
Thanks, doc. That's one way of lifting 


the spirits of people who look down in 
the mouth. 


WILLIE AT SPEED 

1 enjoyed your article Saint Willie, by 
David Standish (PLavmov, April). The 
description of traveling on the “tube” 
(or road bus) with Willie's boys is quite 
believable, but also very factual. I ad- 
mire Standish's ability to write such a 
fine article after suffering massive chro- 
mosome damage. 


Steve Brooks 
Dallas, Texas 


I really liked your Willie Nelson piece. 
I did many a mile on that bus and you 
got it right, The secret is to not inhale. 
Chet Flippo 
Rolling Stone 
New York, New York 


ТЕ Willie Nelson actually ran 10.000 
kilometers in 1:14:27, he has to perform 
only three more miracles to make the 
jump from figurative to literal sainthood. 
Геп thousand kilometers after all, 
6200 miles. 

I strongly suspect that either writer 
David Standish or your typesetter meant 
to say fen kilometers or 10,000 meters. 

Greg Hoffman 
Palo Alto, California 


Five thousand eight miles per hour? 
I've liked Willie for a long time, but 
now I'm really impressed! What's the 
name of that stuff he smokes? 

Owen Kin 
Springfield, 
ofed. and whatever was be- 
. it was obviously done by 


Virginia 

Whocue: 
ing smol 
the kilo. 


1 kilometers is right. 


APRIL LOVE 
Wirh all due respect to Lorraine 
Michaels, Rita Jenrette and all the fine 
girls of Kokomo. the best thing about 
the April praynoy is cover girl Liz 
Wickersham. I hope we sce more soon, 
J. P. Swisher 
Greensboro, North Carolina 


Her sensuous body in that sexy negli- 
gee, the sexy pose and the look in Lizis 
eyes combine to make one hell of a cover 
picture. I just cant keep my eyes off 
it, Each time I pick up the magazine 
to continue reading it, I take a few 
looks at the cover. 


Harvey Glassman 
Brooklyn, New York 


You have exceeded even your tradi- 
tionally high standards with your April 
issue. The woman on the cover, Liz 
Wickersham, is truly the loveliest these 
eyes have ever surveyed. I hope she 
will be back for an encore sans teddy— 
and, I would suggest, as a Playmate. 
Nice work, Tom Staebler. 

David Berry 
Ann Arbor, Michigan 


Your April cover is an exquisite ex- 
ample of photographic art. The uncom- 
plicwed portait of one beautiful lady 
gives an air of elegance to the whole 
issue and, by itself, is one of its most 
pleasing features. My congratulations 
to Тош Staebler. 


Kevin Ashman 
Ithaca, New York 


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PLAYBOY 


24 


Playboy Viewpoint 


ILLEGALIZING ABORTION 


in their unflagging efforts to make motherhood mandatory, the 
mew moralists are trying lo turn common sense into a criminal act 


Foes of abortion have fired the open- 
ing shots in what they hope will be a 
successful two-year campaign to make 
childbirth compulsory for all pregnant 
women. Here is a report from our 
Washington correspondent. 

The New Moral Right has wasted 
no time capitalizing on its new-found 
power in Washington. Just two days 
after Ronald Reagan's Inauguration, 
60,000 citizens carrying March for Life 
banners tied up traffic for hours in the 
nation's capital. Their leaders com- 
manded a private audience with the 
new President, the very first special- 
interest group he received in the Oval 
Office. They were addressed by Senator 
Jesse Helms of North Carolina and 
Congressman Robert Dornan of Cali- 
fornia, Between the Gospel singers 
and the Bible wavers (Jerry Falwell 
was also there), Reagan's Secretary of 
Health and Human Services, Richard 
5. Schweiker, spoke to the assembled 
religio-biological shock troops, telling 
them they “have a friend in the Rea- 
gan Administration.” 

Schweiker performed the kind of 
policy somersault that characterizes an 
Administration bent on bringing back 
the Fifties. Having announced that 
he fayored a constitutional amend- 
ment to make abortion a crime, he 
later added that he would wy to end 
his department's support of sex educa- 
ion and family-planning information 
for minors and indigents. In other 
words, don't tell them how they get 
pregnant, and when they do, don't 
allow them to get unpregnant. 

The forces of the t have mo- 
mentum. Poll after poll confirms that 
a substantial majority of Americans fa- 
vor freedom of choice on abortions, as 
mandated in the 1973 Roe vs. Wade 
Supreme Court decision. Yet the best- 
organized singleissue lobby in the 
country today has turned the unborn 
fetus into a political football. It is a 
master stroke of minority politics. 

The hysterical right operates through 
an interlocking machinery of television 
evangelists, direct-mail wizards, milk- 
theignorant fund raisers and Congres 
sional glibmcisters (both Helms and 
Dornan went to Washington from jobs 
as television commentitors). Its secret 
is a combination of scare propaganda, 
negative campaigning and religious 


By PETER ROSS RANGE 


humbug. It has galvanized all manner 
of conservatives around the abortion 
issue and helped elect the most con- 
servative President in modern times. 

If you want to know why we should 
ban abortion (and return to the back- 
alley butchers of yesteryear), listen for 
a moment to Helms, who once wrote 
that "the Supreme Court's ruling in the 
abortion cascs raiscs the specter of 
euthanasia. . . . Eventually, we shall 
arrive at the final stage where ‘unde- 
sirables,' such as the sick, the aged, the 
senile and the retarded, are eliminated.” 
Just like Nazi Germany, implies Helms. 

Or consider Dornan, a California 
Catholic who looks, dresses and talks 
like a Southern tent evangelist. “It's 
hedonism and secularism versus ecu 
menism,” he shouted to a hysterical 
claque of pink-faced supporters in a 
Senate hearing room last January. 
“American citizens dying in their moth- 
ers’ wombs have gone beyond the 
Herodian slaughter of the Hitler re- 
ic, And that's a conservative es 
mate. Only 30,000 were killed at 


Dachau. We kill 30,000 innocent ci 
zens in their mothers wombs every 
month!” Cheers, screams, applause. 


Outside, supporters waved posters 
reading, WANTED FOR MURDER: FIVE MIL- 
LION MOTHERS AND THEIR DOCTORS. Dor- 
nan and Helms forthwith marched 
into their respective houses of Congress 
to introduce constitutional amend- 
ments to ban abortion. Surely, when 
the clause allowing for amendments 
was written, the framers of the Consti- 
tution did not have in mind the raising 
of medical theology to constitutional 
force. Why not a constitutional amend- 
ment on smoking in public elevators? 
On health standards in restaurants? On 
the tax-exempt status of churches? 

Well, Helms, who is the smartest, 
slickest and most dangerous right-wing 
polemicist in American politics today, 
has thought of that, too. "We don't 
have the votes" to get a constitutional 
amendment, he says. It takes two thirds 
of the Senate and the House and then 
three fourths of the states to amend 
the Constitution, So Helms has come 
up with a better idea: Amend the 
Constitution through the back door 
of legislation. A Federal law requ 
passage by only a simple majority in 
both houses. Enter Senate Bill 158 


and House Resolution 900, which will, 
in effect, amend the 14th Amend- 
ment, which prohibits depriving per- 
sons of life without due process of 
law. The bills jump into a tiny gap 
left in the 1973 Supreme Court ruling 
that pointedly skirted the constitution- 
al definition of the word person, Un- 
der the new law, if passed, a newly 
d cgg would be endowed with 
“personhood” by the following simple 
definition “Human life shall be 
deemed to exist from conception, with- 
out regard to race, sex, age, health, 
defect or condition of dependency.” In 
short, your ovum has civil rights. 

These so-called Human Life Bills (as 
opposed to the Human Life Amend- 
ments) are clearly the most imagina- 
tive attempt yet mounted by the forces 
of righteousness to roll back the 1973 
Supreme Court decision that legalized 
medically safe abortion. "We've got the 
votes and we'll get it through in timely 
fashion," says Carl Anderson, Helms's 
socialissues expert, perhaps the only 
man in America paid by taxpayers to 
spend most of his time thinking up 
ways to make motherhood mandatory. 
Anderson goes so far as to admit that 
introducing the Human Life Amend- 
ment two days after Reagan's Inau- 
guration was—in my words—a mere 
softening up of the political landscape 
with heavy artillery so you could come 
in behind it with the Human Life Bill.” 
‘Sure, sure it was,” he replied. 
Likewise, passage of the bill would 
till the soil for the more difficult k 
of pushing through the Human Life 
Amendment itself, “The bill is not the 
final solution,” says Anderson, only 
half laughing at his own malapropism. 
We can probably get the rest in 1982. 
With Kennedy and Metzenbaum and 
all those other Democrats up for re- 
election next year, I don't think they 
will nt to be too vocal in their 
opposition. 

"The value of sheer persistence and 
simple attrition is not lost on the 
New Right, which has shown unparal- 
leled tenacity over the years—the kind 
only the truly zealous can summon. 
‘This has finally produced an effective 
level of irritation among even more 
reasonable members of Congress, who 
want to have done with the thing and 
shut the right-wingers up for a while. 


“I sense among many Congressmen а 
strong desire to get the abortion issue 
off their backs,” says one pro-choice 
advocate оп Capitol Hill “And to 
them, the Human Life Bill looks like 
the easy way out.” Two licks for Helms. 

In the Fifties and carly Sixties, the 
overriding social issue in this country 
was a real one—race relations. That 
was eclipsed by a foreign issue, Viet- 
nam, which translated into the social 
lienation of an entire generation. The 
Seventies was the decade of women, 
followed by a preoccupation with 
self{—the absence of concern with social 
issues, Into that vacuum have lea 
the single-issue groups, right- 
mongers and political polemicists to 
create a false social issue: abortion. 

Abortion is not a problem in this 
ntry: It is nor a legitimate social 
issue. Never has the matter been better 
settled than by the Supreme Court's 
decision, which says the question to 
abort or not to abort is a personal and 
medical one, not a legal one. Now come 
the religio-political zealots who want to 
interfere in the most private of our 
personal affairs. The pro-lifers say your 
pregnancy is their business, while 
the pro-choice folks say it is your own. 
The pro-lifers say what you must do is 
have a baby; pro-choice advocates say 
there is no must; they don't care what 
you do, as long as the decision is yours. 

Yet the anti-abortionists—they of the 
fetus photographs and visions of an- 
other holocaust (today the fetus. to- 
morrow the grandma)—have become 
such a vocal minority that even the 
Republican leadership has begun to 
kowtow to them. Reagan had some of 
them into the White House a second 
me. The reason: their remarkable 
fund-raising ability. Emotion, after all, 
is a greater motivator than reason, as 
we learned from the Third Reich. 

Paul Brown, director of the Life 
Amendment Political Action Com- 
mittee (LAPAC), put it more bluntly: 
“We can threaten jobs.” And threaten 
they do: LAPAC has 12 Senators on its 
new "Deadly Dozen" “hit list" for the 
1982 elections, from liberal Edward 
Kennedy to neoconservative-intellectu- 
al Daniel Patrick Moynihan. Brown is 
the nice guy who maligned rape victim 
Karen Mulhauser, who happens to be 
executive director of the National 
Abortion Rights Action League, i 
interview with New York mag; 
hi that Karen ms she was once 
aped. Well, let me tell you, Karen is 
not the most beautiful creature in the 
world, so when I hear her say she w 
raped, my response is, "You wish. 
Brown later claimed he was misquoted, 
but his interviewer stood by the story. 

Pro-choice advocates fear that many 
Americans are not sufficiently aroused 
to the danger posed by the Human 


Life Bill—and 16 similar bills and 
amendments that have been throw! 
into the Congressional hopper. Abor- 
n has been with us always; and legal- 
ized, safe abortion, for nearly a decade. 
Many people now take it for granted, 
just like the rights of blacks to eat in 
any restaurant, No one thinks about a 
serious return to de jure segregation, 
so they are incredulous at the notion 
that the clock could be so definitively 
turned back on a social issue that most 
of us thought was settled long ago. Yet 
that is just what could happen. Might 
Jl happen. Anti-abortionist 
all, have for several years won simple 
in Congress against 
ing for abortions. 
The implications of either a Fede: 
humandife Jaw or a constitutional 
amendment are enormous. And what 
of contraception? If human life com- 
mences at the moment of fertilization 
and is thereafter protected by law, what 
of the intrauterine device, which often 
acts as an abortifacient? Most of the 
birth-control pills are thought to func 


n the same way once in a while 
n an ovulation takes place. 

Judie Brown, president of the anti- 
abortionist American Life Lobby, 
wrote an open letter to members of 
Congress arguing that since LU.D.s and 
birth-control pills make the uterus 
“hostile to a fertilized egg," cach one 
“kills a brand-new human being.” She 
concluded: “Chemicals which are 
not contraceptives. They perlorm abor- 
tions!” The only thing these loonies 
accept is “barrier” contraceptives: 
We're back to rubbers. 

The “human life" bills obviously 
have complex medical and legal rami- 
fications; their passage would have 
such profound impact on society that 
one Republican connected to the 
White House predicted “lawlessness 
that would make Prohibition look like 
a picnic.” Police at all levels would be 
charged with snooping on country doc- 
tors—those sympathetic souls who once 
dandestinely accommodated unlucky 
coeds from college towns—and break- 
ing down motel doors to see if someone 


25 


Ray-Ban sunglasses. 
As perfect now asthey were 40 years ago. 


asses ought to be 
And why should they change? What you need in sunglasses now is the 
s in the beginning. 
e protection. Sharp, distortion-free vision. Lenses that filter 
out the proper amount of sunlight. 
The only thing that's different now is the variety we offer vou: a choice 


of lenses unmatched by any other sunglasses in the world. 
Ray-Ban sunglasses. Still precision-g rom Bani 
the finest optical-quality glass. Still made with г . 
care by Bausch & Lomb. 

In short still the perfect sunglasses, after 40 years. ey eauscHê ui 


were flushing a pregnancy down a 
toile. Texas boyfriends would once 
n be administering the anesthesia at 
unclean clinics in Mexico. Tod: 
ation of unmarrieds has no idea how 
bad it was; the ones who remember 
g off to Haiti and Sweden 
Yet conservative. Republican leaders 

Mer to 


"s gen- 


would be fly 


were cleverly conspiring last w 
ignore public opinion, exclude pro 
choice testimony and effectively railroad 
their bills onto the floor of the Senate, 
where a man's vote is his record. The 
abortion bills fell into the jurisdic 
tional hands of three of the most regres- 
sive members of the Senate: South 
c s venerable segregationist Strom 
Thurmond, the new chairman of the 
Judiciary Committee; Orrin Hatch, the 
mirthless Mormon from Utah, who heads 
the Subcommittee on the Constitution: 
and John East, the wheelchair-bound 
ideological clone that Jesse Helms's po- 
litical machine produced out of North 
Carolina 
on Separation of Powers. 

Although Helms's anti-abortion stat- 
ute is the most significant social legisla- 
tion of our time, the conservatives were 
intent on narrowing the scope and keep 
ing pro-choice forces from being heard. 
The strategy mounted by East, who is 
largely controlled by Helms, was to hold 
a mere two days of hearings on the sole 
question "When does human life be- 
gin?" He decided to hear strictly medical 
testimony, exclusively from pro-lifers 
What this all really amounts to is an 
lout attack on sex. Deep down, the 
New Right is nothing if not a movement 
in reaction to the sexual revolution of 
the 20th Century, especially the libera- 
tion of women. The 
brings the conservative extremists togeth- 
er on the things that stir them most: fear 
of sex, religious fund: 
hostility to minorities with "loose mor- 
als,” the independence of young people. 

Helms for years practiced a smooth 
and venomous demagoguery on North 
Carolina television. Hc often smeared 
blacks seeking their simple civil rights 
with allusions to * nd 
morality." This is the your-mother-i 
whore approach to race relations. He 
has successfully brought this style into 
national politics and the U.S. Senate. 
At last year's Republican Convention, 
he neatly summed up the new party 
platform by broadly attacking “the per- 
missiveness, the pornography. the drugs, 
abortion, living together, divorce . . 
somewhere you've got to put the 
down and say, ‘Enough is enough. 

Helms has decided to wrap himself in 
the flag by standing right on top of the 
abortion issue, which he conveniently 
lumps in with living together and di- 
vorce, both common and, we thought, 
legally sanctioned activities between the 
sexes in this country. Perhaps Helms and 
his following think that if they can clim- 


arolina 


who chairs the Subcommittee 


abortion issue 


mentalism, racist 


"crime rates 


g 


DRAMBUIE OVER ICE 
WITH 341 SLIDES OF GREECE 


inate the one, the two others won't be wing at our own consider: 
far behind. We underestimate the zeal, 


power and "final solutions" of the right 


positions on alternate Saturdays. 


Ме peril 
We'll soon be back to strictly missionary 


WHAT YOU CAN DO TO BE HEARD 

use politics is people and votes, Senators and Congressmen really listen 
to their constituents. To make your voice heard on the abortion issue, write 
to your Senator, U. S. Senate, Washington, D. 5 nd to your Congress- 
man, U.S. House of Representatives, Washington, D.C. 20515. And, believe 
it or not, they also listen to phone calls. You c Senator or Con- 
gressman in Washington by simply dialing 202-224-3121 and asking for him. 

The three pro-choice organizations most actively engaged in centralized 
lobbying efforts are the National Abortion Rights Action League, 825 15th 
Street, N.W., Washington, D.C. 20005; the Planned Parenthood Federation 
of Amer Inc., 810 Seventh Avenue, New York, New York 10019; and 
Ihe Religious Coalition for Abortion Rights, 100 Maryland Avenue, N-E., 
Washington, D.C. 20002. 


27 


i 
Marlhoro | Ja 


LIGHTS 


4 Lit f al hts 100" 5:121 mg’ "ui: 7081 mg nicotine av, pir BE. 
FIC Bano Dec: 79. in; 12 mg "tac" 0. j ng nicotine. 4v, per cigarette by FIC Method: 


PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS 


Dirty Hairy fans, take note. Jerdon 
Industries offers a hair drier for people 
who want to blow their heads off. It's 
called the Magnum (it's shaped like a 
357), comes in a holster carrying case 
and costs $27. So, do you feel lucky, 
punk? 


ELEMENTARY PEEPING 


Hofstra University. a bastion of pro- 
gressive education, boasts the world's 
first "visiting professor of voyeurism.” 
Snooper David Lloyd, author of How to 
Spy on Your Neighbors Without Fear of 
Discovery, lectured on Peeping Tomism. 
Auended by overflow student crowds, 
Lloyd's lecture explained how to peep 
effectively without running afoul of the 
law 

“Tyve elevated Pecping Tomism to a 
fine art," said Lloyd. "I don't teach any- 
thing illegal. But there's plenty to see 
that's in the public domain." 

Lloyd, who considers himself the 
world's leading Peeping Тот, with 15 
years in the field (and at the window 
sill), said that the practice was ideal for 
celebrity watchers . . . though it does 
have its drawbacks. "I've seen a lot of 
famous people up to all sorts of things 
through my binoculars,” he bragged, 
adding righteously, “but I can't tell you 
who they are.” 


. 
^ Littleton, Colorado, entrepreneur is 
now offering the ultimate grooming aid 
for city slickers: "Genuine Western Soil 
Boot Polish" made of "real Western dirt, 
horse manure nd hay and secret 
ingredients.” Users just add water and 
then rub the mud onto their new $500 
Tony Lucchese boots. At $4.95, you can 
at Jast feel right at home on any range. 


CLIMBING THE BIG ONE 
An expedition to the foothills of 
Mount Everest is being planned by a 
team of British homosexuals. Philip Jud- 


son, 36, says he hopes to take a group of 
12 gays to the Himalayas in November, 
Judson is chairman of the Gay Outdoor 
Club, formed to campaign against 
what its founders considered am unfair 
image. "Gay men are supposcd to be 
delicate flowers sitting among potted 
palms . . . talking about opera and bal- 
let. The club is out to show how wrong 
that popular image is" Judson said. 
There may be some problems on the 
trek, he conceded. "We are going to be 
perfectly serious as a walking and climb- 
ing club. It can be quite hard work. But 
if any of the Sherpa guides were olfend- 
ed by anything we did, then we would 
stop it 


MYSTERY MOUNDS 
What a lot of guys would be happy to 
do for nothing, Patrick Cullen managed 
to make into a carcer. Cullen, an Irish- 
man who recently passed away (at the 
age of 69), was a professional “breast- 


gazer"—someone who reads а woman's 
fortune in her breasts, according to the 
Manchester Guardian. "Professor" Cul- 
len believed that "mammarism" devel- 
oped in India. He studied the fine points 
of that. particular brand of prophecy in 
the brothels of Shanghai, where he spent 
some time during his service to the 
crown. But he didn't practice "chest 
clairvoyance” until the Seventies, when 
he began to ply his unorthodox trade to 
an unlikely clientele of English house- 
wives in his Brighton studio. The mystic 
knowledge he had acquired in the Orient 
involved first daubing poster paints on 
his client's breast with a brush. Ladies 
reluctant to shed their inhibitions, how- 
ever, were permitted to daub themselves, 
per instructions from Cullen via two-way 
radio. In either case, the woman pressed 
her painted breast against a sheet of 
paper; Cullen then studied the pattern— 
and sometimes the breast itself{—to pr 
dict the woman's future. He established 
a swelling business and made some real 
bosom buddies in the process. His widow, 
Margaret, said he took his work very 
seriously. We know just how he felt. 

We commemorate Patrick Cullen as a 
man who not only saw the shape of 
things to come but made forecasting a 
genuinely titillating experience. 

. 

After a raid on Schenectady, New 
York, adult bookstores, Vice Unit Ser- 
geant Dennis Gregorie exp! 
of the problems in determining what is 
obscene and what is “This is a 
tricky issue,” he said, adding that police 
cannot go off “half-cocked.” 


DOGS OF WAR 2 


arvis, a G lent of 
Michigan, recently renounced his “man’s 
best friend” status in favor of “best dog- 
gone sharpshooter in the state.” While 
being trained in the fine art of attacking 


ned some 


not. 


erman shepherd resi 


29 


PLAYBOY 


30 


by his master, John Calbert, Jarvis 
picked up a loaded .22-caliber pistol with 
his mouth, wagged his tail and shot his 
owner. Calbert, while proud of his dog's 
learning ability, was taken to a hospital, 
where he was reported in fair but em- 
barrassed condition. Local police are not 
pressing charges against the pooch. 
NBCs Fred Silverman is reportedly 
pressing to create a series around the 
sharpshooter shepherd tentatively titled 
The Canine Chronicles. The series would 
star either Benji or Shelley Winters in 
her greatest character role to date. 


METHOD ACTING 


Like godfather, like son is the fad 
described by undercover policeman Rob 
ert Delaney during a Congressional 
hearing on organized crime. According 
to Delaney, young members of organized- 
crime families were so impressed by The 
Godfather films that they revived such 
old-fashioned traditions as kissing the 
hands of senior family members and the 
cheeks of future fish food. 

This practice has gotten so out of con- 
trol, said Delancy, that during one 
dinner mecting with Joe Adonis, Jr., son 
of the famed racketeer, Adonis “gave the 
iter a pocketful of quarters and told 
him to keep playing the theme music 
from The Godfather on the jukebox. 
Throughout dinner, we listened to the 
same song, over and over. 

All this raises the ethical question: Is 
it all right to counterfeit Al Martino 
albums? 


BLACK-AND-BLUE JEANS 


Although connoisseurs insist that Levis 
blue jeans have remained virtually un- 
changed since the 1850s, the company 
recently revealed that one very serious 
alteration was made when, y 
became evident that some of the jean 
encased cowboys were howling as loud 
as the local coyotes because of a design 
glitch. The old-fashioned models con- 
tained metal rivets on the pockets and 
one lone rivet on the crotch. That single 
rivet led to the dreaded “hotrivet syn- 
drome,” a condition that occurred when 
cowboys crouched too long beside the old 
campfire. The rivet heated up. sending 
the he-men hotlooting it into the West 
ern night. 

The syndrome was discovered during 
the Thirties, when Levi president Walter 
A. Haas, Sr., himself received a hot flash 
while camping in the high Sierras. A 
board meeting was subsequently called 
and “Out, damned rivet” was the order 
of the day, That story sure gives new 
meaning to Hopalong Cassidy's name, 
don't iv? 


. 

While welcoming guests to his parents 
Acapulco home recently, a young man 
stopped W. Clement Stone, the insurance 
mogul who sports a pencil-thin mustache, 


and asked him (in Spanish), "Where are 
the rest of the musicians?” First impres- 
sions count. 


CHECKING IN 


Suzanne O'Malley met with Margot 
Kidder at New York's Russian Tea Room, 
Later, Kidder gave her an official Lois 
Lane autograph-model reporter's nole- 
book. 

PLAYBOY: Do men like to 
women talk? 

KIDDER: Absolutely. The few times I've 
had a man around while my girlfriends 
and I were talking “girl talk," he's loved 
it: “God. I never heard that! You girls 
really think about that?” 1 remember 
telling a friend, a New York playwright. 
how I knew I was really excited about a 
guy when I shaved my legs the night be- 
fore 1 would be secing him. It means 
maybe I'm going to go to bed with him. 
Otherwise—ugh—forget it 

Men are afraid of women’s talking to 
each other, because they think we sit 
and say terrible things about them. In 
fact, we say terrible things about our- 
selves and talk about how scared we are. 
praysoy: Do men talk to each other in 
the same way? 

Kipper: No, and they should, because it's 
a great release. I knew a tight-knit group 
of successful male writers and artists. 
"They loved one another dearly. I'd cook 
and they'd talk: “Oh, I'm gonna 
get myself some of Grandma's home- 
made crack pie tonight . . . huhhuh- 
huh,” or, “That little shrimp, ГЇЇ give 
her a hot beef injection. . . ." Then 
they'd slap one another on the back- 
whap! whap! "Let's go fishing." Whap! 

1 got to know them one by one over 
the years, and they would confide in me 
with things like, "Oh, God! I know she 
doesn't love me," You idiots, I kept 
thinking, why don't you say that to each 
other? In that w men's relationships 
are strangely more romantic than wom- 


en in when 


dinner 


en's. There's this unspoken thing: “Let's 
go out and conquer the wilderness to- 
gether. .. . Let's go shoot a grouse. That 
will show we love each other.” 

riaysoy: Did Superman change the way 
men related to you? 
Kipper: It changed the w 
related to me, because I was at last in 
a hit movie. But in terms of my personal 
life, I've always been one of those wom- 
en who went after the guy. I never sat 
around and waited for the guy to phone. 
I was never hard to get if I wanted to be 
gotten. If T didn't want to be gotten. 
there was no way I could be. 

PLAYBOY: Belore you met novelist 
screenwriter Tom McGuane, you had 
lived with several men but were ada- 
mandy against marriage. What kind of 
man did it take to change that convic 
tion? 

KIDDER: l'm sure 
masochism. The certainly 
didn't work. It was like the lapsed fem: 
inist and Ernest Hemingway the Second. 
But McGuane is a handsome, 
ht, fun, funny, sexual person 
to me, absolutely irresistible. 
Two wecks after we met, we decided we 
had to make a baby. Our daughter, 
Maggie, is now five years old. When 
Maggie was nine months old, we got 
married [McGuane and Kidder divorced 
ten months later]. The masochism that 
ensued was my own fault, in that I 
became less sure of myself—he'll hate 
me for telling all this—1 just simply lost 
my identity completely. I remember look- 
ing out the kitchen window in Montana, 
washing dishes and thinking, Tm 27 and 
it's all over. Ultimately, I came out of it. 
I swore 1 would never lose myself in a 
man again. 

rLAYBOY: You've had several 
nonmarital relationships with men. You 
lived with director Brian De Palma be- 
fore you married McGuane, didn't you? 
Kipper: Yes. Brian and 1 were friends 
nd still like cach other a lot, but we 
did not have complete communication. 
I always had my own room when I lived 
with men. With McGuane, it was a bunk- 
house. 1 have to have my privacy and 
my secrets. 

PLAYBOY: What secrets? 

KIDDER: It's always been very difficult for 
me to really open up or give myself over 
to a man out of fear of being hurt. I'm 
a real con artist. I come on as Miss 
Open, and maybe I can go farther than 
other people, but I can only go to Y, T 
n't go to Z. There are very few people 
in my life who know me to Z, or even 
to Y. For many women—for me—it’s 
the man who pinpoints you on that vul- 
nerability who has won you. He is the 
one who found it 

pLaynoy: You married actor John 
Heard, star of Head Over Heels and 
Heart Beat, and filed for divorce six 
weeks later. What happened? 


the business 


it was my feminine 


mar 


serious, 


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Sweepstakes Game #1 
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AMERICAN LEAGUE 


NATIONAL LEAGUE == 


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City 


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AMERICAN LEAGUE 
NATIONAL LEAGUE 


Entry for month of 


eme (lease print) 


Address 
City 
State Zip 


This Sweepstakes Game ^9 ends 10/31/B1 See Offical Rules. 


31 


32 


THE BRING-EM-BACK-ALIVE 
GUIDE FOR WORLD TRAVELERS 


Thanks to travel experts like 
riAYnOY's Own Stephen Birnbaum, we 
are able to enjoy visiting places with 
few or no problems. But how about 
testing your spirit of adventure? Trav- 
el should include the unexpected, the 
dangerous, the downright foolish. 
With that in mind, we offer this col- 
lection of travel advice, because, 
frankly, you can't get it anywhere else. 

+ Immediately throw away any bro- 
chure that begins, he World of 
Islam Welcomes You to Club Med. 

* Investigate an airline that has a 
Mutual of Omaha counter located on 
the plane itself. 

* Have some fun. See how many 
items wrapped in tin foil you can get 
past Turkish customs. 

* Hookers in Sweden arc marvclous 
but demanding. Think ahead of how. 
you plan to fill the hou 

+ At congested baggage-claim areas, 
it's easy to confuse your luggage with 
somcone else's. So take the other lug- 
gage, too, and take your time deciding 
which one is right—after you've set- 
tled in your hotel room. 

+ Acquaint yourself with hotel 
terms. For instance, a "deluxe" room 
means it comes with fries and cole 
slaw. 

* There are many acceptable sou- 
venirs to bring back from Ti 
However, Carlos and Maria are not 
among them. 

* Paris is, in fact, quite boring, so 
you should forgo any sight-seeing. In- 
stead, check out the many fine minia- 
ture-goll courses located nearby. 

* For a small fee, rent a camel for a 
delightful desert ride to the great 
Sphinx in Egypt. A rule of thumb: 
‘Two humps cost more than one. 

+ To prevent car sickness, stand by 
the kitchen ventilation screen outside 
a badly run Mexican restaurant for 
ten minutes and breathe deeply be- 
fore leaving. 

+ Before boarding an airplane, 
glance into the cockpit and comment, 
“Oh, I see Captain Brown is back 
from suspension.” That brand of 
levity relaxes fellow passeng: 


* Long train rides can be tiresome 
when annoying people are sitting 
next to you. Avoid that by keeping a 
copy of the book Let's Talk About 
the Reverend Sun Myung Moon on 
your lap. 

+ Las Vegas is tops for fun. Pour 
money heavily into a slot machine. 
‘Then, in an emotionally disturbed 
manner, complain that no fruit has 
come out, only big coins, which taste 
real crummy. Management will pick 
up your tab rather than create a scene. 

+ Let them know you have rights. 
Demand that Caesars Palace book 
Devo. 

+ Flag down a hooker and tell her 
the friend you're waveling with will 
pay $500. Give her his room number 
and be sure she takes her well-armed 
pimp along to collect. Your friend 
will get a kick out of the unex- 
pected 

* People back home will be thrilled 
to receive exotic postcards from places 
like India and South America. Send 
one with a map on the front, scratch 
an X somewhere and scribble, "Our 
bus has crashed near here. Send help. 
immediately.” 

* Take a box of Pampers to Lon- 
don to help in the changing of the 
guard. 

= Get a shot before going to Bang- 
kok. Get a shot after going to Bang- 
kol 

= No one wants а narcotics bust 
when returning to the U. S. Make this 
declaration: “I have no drugs, because 
I know they are icky and harmful, so 
you don’t have to look in my suit- 
case.” That always works. 

+ Respect the cuisines and cating 
customs of different countries. For in- 
stance, in a French restaurant, it 
would be gauche to order a stick of 
beef jerky. 

Safaris can be dangerous, Carry a 
large radio/cassette player to ward off 
native attacks. 

= After finally returning home, go 
to the counter of your least-favorite 
airline and scream tearfully, “But my 
dog was alive before we left New 
York!" — DAVE YUZO SPECTOR 


KIDDER: I won't talk about it. 

PLAYBOY: Do you have male friends? 
KIDDER: Lots of them. I have three male 
friends who are like girlfriends to me. 
I tell them my love problems. The few 
times I've slept with male friends, it has 
really ruined the friendships. 

PLAYBOY: Are you able to manage male 
friendships with current love interests, 
or does it cause jealousy? 

Kipper: Sometimes. That’s tricky. I re- 
fuse to give up certain people in my 
life. But if there were lovers, and some- 
one's jealous, I have to be sympathetic 
to the jealousy. 

PLAYBOY: Do you ever lie? Do you say, 
“No, I never slept with that person”? 
кїррЕң: No. I could never go that route. 
ттлүвоү: How do you feel about monog- 
amy at this point? 

Kipper: Га tend to bash someone in the 
head with a baseball bat if I fell in 
Jove with him and found out he was 
cheating. 

PLAYBOY: So you're [or monogamy. 
KIDDER: 1 guess in my deepest heart I 
must, ashamed and unliberatedly, admit 
that I am. I don't believe that any other 
way really works. At one point in my 
life, making love was no more than 
shaking hands. I used to feel guilty if 1 
didn't sleep with somebody, because I 
thought: What’s the matter? You're too 
good for him? It's only recently that Гуе 
realized making love is something special. 
rLAYBOY: How do you cope with a man 
who doen't live up to your emotional 
expectations—one who falls apart, for 
example? 

RIDDER: Well, one guy finally said to me, 
“Hey, this " He was looking 
after me all the time. And when I fell 
apart, he was supposed to be there to 
pick me up. But, on the other hand, a 
fast way to make a woman angry is for a 
guy to be irrationally jealous. I сапт 
stand it. I get so angry I can't speak. I've 
slugged guys in the jaw. When they 
fight back, I yell, “Wife beater!” 
PLAYBOY: In the PLAYBOY article [Mar- 
got, March 1975], you wrote that you felt 
so awkward as a teenager you thought 
you would never grow up and sleep with 
Warren Beatty. Was sleeping with War- 
ren Beatty a childhood goal of yours? 
KIDDER: [Grinning broadly] No. At the 
time, he served as a metaphor for “the 
one." And I'm not going to answer your 
next question. 

rrAYBoY: OK, then, do you ever have 
sexual feelings toward your Superman 
co-star, Chris Reeve? 

Kipper: No. We know each other real 
well at this point, so we laugh when we 
do love scenes. We can kiss, but in gen- 
eral I think it would be easier to close 
my eyes and have someone have sex with 
me than to be kissing him. Which men 
cannot understand. Maybe I'm a whore; 
they say that’s how whores feel. 


Winatrips — — 


e î to thel8th Century. 


Enter di 
Sweepstakes. 


Now, you can make that fantastic vacation you've 
always dreamed about, a reality. Soon, John Jameson 
Irish Whiskey will be giving 15 lucky grand prize 
winners two round trip tickets to Ireland on Aer Lingu 
Ireland's quality international airline. There, they'll 
discover the unspoiled beauty and historic landmarks of 
an exciting era. A time when John Jameson himself 

started to distill his fa- 
mous whiskey in the Dub- 
lin of 1780. And to help 

them enjoy their visit to the 
18th century, winners also re- 

ceive $1,000 in ex- 
pense money. 
Plus 200 other prizes 
200 runners-up will win 

an elegant set of six imported 
crystal “on the rocks” glasses. (The perfect 
complement for the delicate taste of imported John 
Jameson.) To enter, just visit your favorite bar, liquor 
store, or restaurant and look at the front label on a bottle 
of John Jameson. Then, simply answer the question on 
the coupon in this ad and mail it in. And put 200 years of 
Ireland's past in your future. 
OFFICIAL RULI 


1. On entry form, or 3” x 5” piece of paper. print у 
‘answer the question with information found on the fr 
Irish Whiskey. If you don't own а bore, visit your favorite restaurant or tavern, or go to. 
any participating liquor store and look at a bottle of Jameson. А label may abo be 
obtained by sending a stamped, self-addressed envelope to John Jameson Irish Sweep- 
stakes, PO. Box 6288, Sc. Paul, Minn. 55182. 


dress and 
of a 


code, Then 
le of Jameson 


x 
eish 


cach entry must be properl 


ter as often as you wish ly 
and received by Sept 30, 
1 


winners will be determined in a witnesse 


п independent judging on 
clle the correct 
purchase required 


1 prize winner will receive 2 round trip economy tickets to lr 

Lingus plus $1,000 cash. Its incumbent upon winners to make th: 

for the trip. Winners shall depart from the normal Aer Lingus de 

the Continental U.S.A. Any additional expenses incurred on the 
rs, Trips must be taken 

paid by winners. The 200 seco 

crystal "On the rocks’ glasses. Prizesare n 


4. per family orh 
rect entries received. All prises will be awarded 
5. Sweepstakes open tc U.S.A., Alaska and Hawaii. Employ- 
ees and their families of Calvert Distillers Company and Aer Lingus, the ated 


subsidiary companies, liquor wholesalers and retailers, their advertising agencie 
judging organization, are not eligible. Sweepstakes void where prohibited or restricted by 
Law All federal, state and local Laws apply 
6 king 
2 ers ca of the sweepstakes by 
РО. Box 


der the laws of their home state. 


8283, Sc. Paul, Minnesota 55182. NO PURCHASE REQUIRED. 


JOHN JAMESON IRISH SWEEPSTAKES p 
i have read the contest rules listed on this page, and would. | 
like to enter rhe John Jameson Irish Sweepstakes. My answer | 
is written below (correct answer appears on the front label р 
ofeach John Jameson bottle). 


Whar isthe motto under the John Jameson coat of arms? 


Name. = = 


| 
1 
l 
Address. 1 
1 
1 
l 


City - Sure —р. 


Mail entries to: John Jameson Irish Sweepstakes 
РО. Box 8211 

E aul, Minnesora55182 

formation an travel to Irelan 

free (sce local directory), 


For more 


John Jameson. World’s largest-selling Irish Whiskey. 


34 


HYTHM-AND-BLUES BROTHERS: 
The spicysweet gumbo of New 
Orleans R&B regularly spills over into 
the pop-music mainstream. Remember 
Let the Good Times Roll, by Shirley 
and Lee? Ooh Poo Pah Doo, Barefootin’ 
or Lee Dorsey's Ya Ya? The most fa- 
mous New Orleans music has been 
recorded by one-hit wonders, who make 
their funky contributions and then 
simply make do forever after. Their 
legions far outnumber the Fats Domi- 
nos and the Dr. Johns. 

At the center of New Orleans’ legion 
of regional stars are The Neville Brothers— 
Aaron, Art, Cyril and Charles. After his 
1966 chart topper Tell It Like It Is and a 
few near hits in 1967, brother Aaron 
turned to studio work, as did keyboardist 
Art, founder of The Meters, whose 
late-Sixties hit was Cissy Strut. Neph- 
ews of the late Big Chief Jolly (of the 
legendary black/Indian band The Wild 
Tchoupitoulas), The Neville Brothers 
currently show signs of breaking out of 
the regional mold. Their new album 
оп АКМ may force them into the much- 
deserved national limelight after all. 

In the stu producer Jocl Dorn 
described their effort as “going back 
into New Orleans music, to the heart 
of what it was, pulling that out and 
bringing it up to 1981." The album, 
Fiyo on the Bayou, sounds great. Iko Iko 
and Hey Pocky Way are New Orleans 
anthems, but as brother Cyril pointed 
out, “They have been Neville-ized.” 
They've added vocal fireworks to Fire on 
the Bayou while retaining the furious 
funk well known to Meters’ fans. Sitting 
Here in Limbo and Louis Jordan's Run 
Joe never sounded better. Aaron's voice 
on ballads, backed here by The Persua- 
sions, is one of the greatest bugles ever 
blown in New Orleans or anywhere else. 
But that doesn't stunt the impact of 
Wardell Quezergue's horn arrangements. 
Engineer Gene Paul managed to make 
sessions recorded in the disparate locales 
of Bogalusa, Louisiana, and New York 
City sound as if they indeed came from 
the same planet. Your record store 
should have the album by now. So 
should you. —ELIOT OSBORN 


REVIEWS 


A few years ago, punk aficionados 
started picking up on James Brown's 
pre-Papa's Col a Brand New Bag 
sounds. Now the early Brown brand of 
deceptive simplicity and unbridled raw 
power can be found in most New Wave 
record shops (dangerously close to the 
David Bowie section). Just in time for 
the new rage comes James Brown—live 
and lowdown at the Apollo, Volume f (Solid 
Smoke). Originally released in 1962 on 
1he King label, this disc is considered by 


many to be the most exciting live per- 
formance ever recorded. Soul Brother 
number one is at the peak of his per- 
forming power here, revealing an inten- 
sity only hinted at in more recent 
recordings. The new edition actually im- 
proves upon the original: The sound 
quality is much better. 
е 

Watch out, Africa! Here comes the 
rock-n-roll avantgarde to plunder your 
polyrhythms and percussion instruments! 
There go two of them, Brian Eno and 
David Byrne, now ripping them off and 
weaving them into a sort of musique 
concréle on their first album-length col- 
laboration, My Life im the Bush of Ghosts 
(Sire). Eno, of Another Green World 
fame, and Byrne, of Talking Heads, are 
two of the most talented people working 
the so-called rock avant-garde turf; and 
while the result is definitely curiouser 
and curiouser, some of it just sounding 
like bad imitation Miles Davis, it's still a. 
fairly accessible and engaging experi- 
ment. 

б 

Remember Мас McGar, Alton апа 
Rabon Delmore? How about the Buckle 
Busters? Nope? We don't either, but for- 
tunately, Chet Atkins and Doc Watson 
do. On Reflections (RCA), the two com- 
patible guitar virtuosos team up for a 
righteous offering of tunes gleaned from 
old-time pickers, including those listed 
above. It’s a collection of Thirties and 
Forties country music, the sort of stuff 
that once made a seat by the family radio 
the right place to be on any given Satur- 
day night. In recent years, Atkins has 
teamed with other famed string men, Les 
Paul and Merle Travis, similarly 
outstanding results. We figure it's only a 
matter of time before someone at RCA 
decides to reissue the pure-picking, no- 
foolingaround Stringdustin album At- 


kins recorded with Homer and Jethro 
back in the Fifties. 
D 
Тһе Dead Kennedys are well named. 
Their first album, Fresh Fruit for Rotting 
Vegetables (IRS), is full of the black, 
funny cynicism that results from ideal- 
ism blasted and blown away. The sound 
is mainly de rigueur speed-freak frenetic 
postpunk, and selected titles here are 
Kill the Poor, Chemical Warfare and 
Holiday in Cambodia—the standard sub- 
ject matter of rock "n' roll these days. 
But it has a Sixtiesstyle witty edge that's 
reminiscent of the Pranksters—the Dead 
Kennedys also being from Northern Cali- 
fornia. For instance, it’s hard not to get 
behind something called Let's Lynch the 
Тапа And Chemical Warfare is a 
pop-radical golfhating fantasy about 
gassing all the Saturday-afternoon duffers 
at the country club that goes in part, 
“Yellow air/Yellow clouds/Blowin’ down 
down down the fairway. . . ." California 
Uber Alles is a martial little ditty about 
what happens when Governor Jerry 
Brown becomes Zen Führer; and Steal- 
ing People's Mail is worthy of the Freak 
Bros. themselves—it makes you want to 
try it. There's a certain sameness to it 
all, and you do need the lyric sheet in- 
side, but it's a lot more fun than most 
of the hard-rocking neonihilists provide. 
° 
That indefatigable field marshal of to- 
day's music scene, Herbert von Karajan, 
has given us two more complete operas. 
Each in its way is outstanding and 
reflects Karajan's recent penchant for 
younger, lighter voices. His The Magic 
Flute (DG) is the first digital recording of 
Mozart's masterpiece and bests all com- 
peting sets in sonic brilliance. Happily, 
the performance is worthy of the new 
technology. José van Dam’s fine bass 
baritone is a shade light for Sarastro—a 
true, deep basso role—but it’s a well- 
sung, noble performance nonetheless, 
‘There are no real clinkers in the cast. 
Edith Mathis is as fine a Pamina as you'll 
hear these days. The Karajan/Vienna 
Philharmonic recording of Verdi's Aida 
(Angel) is based on his 1979 Salzburg 
production and the conducting is less 
mannered than on any of his Verdi of 
late. Again, the singers are on the light 
side. Mirella Freni and José Carreras 
would not be your ideal Aida/Radames 
team in the opera house, but, hell, 
this is a recording, and the less-than-sten- 
torian tenor of Carreras is quite lovely 
in the more lyric moments. 
D 
Dee Dee Sharp Gamble, who gave us 
those memorable discs of yesteryear— 
Mashed Potato Time, Do the Bird and 
Gravy—is back on the charts with a new 


“You can feel it 


NEW 
BRIDGESTONE 
SUPERFILLER 
RADIAL 


The Bridgestone Tire 
Company announces new 
SuperFiller steel-belted 
radial tires. 

Bridgestone's advance- 
ments in tire technology have 
resulted in a radial tire 
that gives you premium 
performance. 

“Т can feel new Bridge- 
stone SuperFiller radials 
when I stop, start or corner... 
when I drive” 

The Bridgestone Super- 
Filler radial tire is built with 
two steel belts for strength, 
[3 Sau] a polyester 
| cord body, 

М and a special 
“| hard rubber 
j) insert in the 
| bead area 


rest z 
N near the rim. 


This is SuperFiller, the key 
to our performance. 

Think of the three areas 
of a tire (the bead, the side- 
wall, and the tread) assprings. 


1 


Bridgestone SuperFiller con- 
struction allows these three 
areas to have different spring 
rates. There is a very stiff 
SuperFiller bead area, a 
flexible sidewall for comfort 


| A 
f 0 aggressive 


tread pattern designed for 
long wear. 

"Tm certainly not the first. 
to tell you that the grip is 
important when you drive.” 

Freeway or fairway, on the 
roads or in the rough, grip is 


when you drive” 


Bridgestone 
SuperFiller 
radials are 
designed for a 
big footprint 
and an even 
pressured, sure footed grip 
onthe road, with a minimum 
of heat generating “squirm” 
that ages tires. 

“Put the advanced tech- 
nology of Bridgestone Super- 
Filler radials between you 
and the road. You can feel it 
when you drive.” 

Check the Yellow Pages 
for the Bridgestone dealer 
near you. 


Put Bridgestone between you and the road. 


BRIDGESTONE 


©1981 Bridgestone Tire Company of America, Inc, Torrance, CA. 


OrseıB&WTCo. 


The pleasure 
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з 


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1007, 3 mg. "tar", 0.4 mg. nicotine 
av. per cigarette by FIC method. 


Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined 
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health. 


PLAYBOY 


38 


LP, Dee Dee (Philadelphia International). 
Don't let her past holiday-fare rend 
tions throw you; this lady has talent. 
Here, she also has a little help from her 
friends: Kenneth Gamble of the Phila- 
delphia Gamble & Huff dynasty and 
songwriter Paul Wilson. Jerry Butler 
teams up with Dee Dee on Everyday 
Affair to add his own mellow touch of 
class Upbeat, commercial cuts like 
Breaking and Entering and Easy Money 
keep things jumping. 
б 

Singersongwriters, those foolhardy 
souls who wipe their hearts on their 
sleeves, tend. for critics, to be in a spe 
cial category. You can love their work 
a whole but feel that a particular 
album was flukishly undernourished. 
There has been a rash of albums by 
major singer-songwriters lately and each 
points out some special aspects of their 
collective craft 
Jimmy Buffett is, of course, the un- 
меа king of Gulf and Western 
music. He describes beach life swollen 
with humidity and languor—and Coconut 
Telegraph (MCA) is the latest entry from 
his musical diary. It persists in its calyp- 
sonian seductivencss. Bullett is, alter all, 
an appealing social commentator who 
occasionally has to be excused for taking 
himself a little too seriously. Coconut 


Telegraph carries its minimal freight: 
It’s pleasant enough, just doesn’t have a 
critically important message. Buffett 


didn’t write the best song on the album, 
It’s My Job, but, happily, he sings it as 
though he wishes he had. 

James Taylor's Ded Loves His Work (Co- 


lumbia) reasserts that he writes smart 
music—melodica 


ly familiar yet challeng- 
ing, with lyrics that dissect and instruct. 
It always makes sense to check in with 
Taylor, if only because his work gets 
what may be the best production treat- 
ment in the industry. There are some 
ice cuts on this album, such as Her 
Town Too (written with J. D. Souther 
and Waddy Wachtel), but it does not, 
generally, have ше appeal of a watershed 
album like JT. We wonder, though: 
How can anyone married to Garly Simon 
have that many complaints? 

Jesse Winchester keeps getting better. 
His songs are more vocal than cerebral, 
but they often have a sneaky and sincere 
depth. Talk Memphis (Bearsville) shows 
him in less than full gait, but when he 
cooks (as with Hoot and Holler), he's 
as good as anybody out there, which 
makes sophomoric songs such as Baby 
Blue all che m atin 


Ry Cooder doesn't write most of his 
own material; but every song he takes 
over becomes strangely his own. Ever 
since Paradise and Lunch, he has con- 
sistently been one of the smartest archi- 
vists of American music. Dealing in pop. 
bop, blues, jazz, swing and, yes, Ha- 
an, Cooder isn't afraid to wear a loud 


shirt and play a pink guitar, to dance 
out onto a shaky musical ledge and coax 
you to dance out there, too. His latest 
effort, Borderline (Warner Bros.), has das- 
sics: 634-5789, Speedo, Down in the 
Boondocks, and the best male chorus 
(Bobby King and Willie Green, Jr.) in 
the business. You can safely assent to 
whatever Cooder is up to even before 
your toe taps with its own conviction. 
John Hiatt, on guitar and vocals, a new 
addition to Cooder's band, contributes 
some nice counterpoint; his The Way 
We Make a Broken Heart is also a solid 
piece of songwriting. 

. 

Stanley Fronk (ARM) is a late entry in 
the Ersatz Rock-A-Billy Sweepstakes, 
with a dutiful nod to reggae-style New 
Wave—which is apparently nal as 
it gets these days, His voice isn't bad, 
but, like the emerging Eighties them- 
selves, the style is a collection of old 
moves from better times, derivative, and 
therefore lacking the ori 
These guys are proliferating like star 
lings, as if some criminally insane de- 
scendant of Sam Phillips were cloning 
them in the dank basement of the old 
Sun Records studios or someth 

б 


inal passion. 


mission: to keep alive the mu 
late Charles Mingus. Good intentions 
don't always mean good music, but on 
live et Montreux (Atlantic), the Dynasty 
does the old man proud. This version 
of the band features tight, cracking ar- 
rangements by Mingus alumnus Jimmy 
Knepper and first-rate solo and ensemble 


ing by Knepper. Joe Farrell and 
Brecker, among others, includ 


R б 
two dazzling young bass like Rich- 
mond and Aladar Pege—whosc playing 
would probably please the legendary per- 
fectionist himself. 


. 

Without resorting to unnecessary 
words or pretentious chords, Leon Ware 
creates distinctive musical structures that 
remain firmly within the boundaries of 
R&B. Rockin’ You Eternally 
(Elektra) is a prime sampling of his abil- 
ity to match sound and sens ay not 
survive the acons, but it’s bound to get 
alot of play and should wear well. 

. 

It's All in the Family (Concord Jazz) is an 
apt title for The Clayton Brothers, not 
only because of their special relationship 
but also because the pianist on hand, 
nimble Roger Kellaway, co-wrote the TV 
theme with Carol O'Connor; it's one 
of several light moments on an album 
otherwise distinguished by its conserv 
tively solid statements and the wonder- 
ful things John Clayton does on the 
acoustic double bass. 

б 

Wilson Pickett has had his share of 
ups and downs but is now definitely on 
the Right Тгоск (ЕМІ Ате Always 


BIP BOP BOOM, YOU'RE LIKE A 
FLOWER IN BLOOM: Here you go, 
true greasers—the results at last of 
our Nostalgia Quiz #2! Our thanks 
and a tip of the Music Section hat to. 
Michael Brozovic for sending in an 
actual 45 of The Greasy Chicken, 
proving beyond doubt it was by 
Andre Williams—sorry, Michael, but 
we're keeping it. 


The answer to that burning ques- 
tion, who did Bip Bop Boom?, was a 
snap for most of you—Mickey Hawks, 
with Moon Mullins and His Night 
Raiders. Special thanks to Rockin’ 
Richard for reminding us of Chuck 
Higgins’ obscure version: to Cathy 
Abramowitz for suggesting The Dap 
pers. And a much-needed history le 
son to those of you who thought it 
was The Bip Bop Song by Paul Mc 
Cartney & Wings. 

How many versions of Hearts of 
Stone are there? Ted D. Johnson 
'anonsburg, Pennsylvania, listed. 
Top Notes, Vicki Young, Big Dav 
j McGuire Sisters, Bop-A-Loos, 
Black Combo, The Blue 
nd Mel Tillis—plus 
the three we mentioned. the Jewels 
the Charms and, ugh, The Fontane 
Sisters Additional candidates were 
Red Foley, The Heartbeats and The 
Blue Jays 

We'd send you winners—the first 
50 who had any of these right—one 
of Annette's old T-shirts, but too 
many of you told us what bizarre 
things you were going to do with 
them, so you'll have to settle for a 
free one-year subscription. 

Later, alligators—but, you know, 
come to think of it, somebody was 
wondering just the other day how 
many R&B versions of Stormy Weath 
er there аге. Hmmm. ... 


v “Come to think of it, 
Fil have a Heineken? 


PLAYBOY 


40 


his own man, “Wicket” Pickett finds 
some interesting handles by which to 
grab reality—and, with his Gospel fer- 
vor, he makes the idealistic Help Me Be 
Without fully as convincing as the cyni- 
cal If You Can't Beat "Ет, Join "Ет. 
с 

There are по sojourns into comedy, 
disco or hard rock for Eddje Harris on 
Sounds Incredible (Angelaco)—just good 
swinging grooves, several of them nacho- 


flavored, with energetic solos by the re- 
and (when he gets a 


chance) pianist Smith Dobson. Har is 
such a stylist that he-can pay his respects 
to Coltrane and still be himself; and 
when you hear him expand into a sax 
section, courtesy of his clectronic instru- 
ment, on You Know It’s Wrong. you 
know that everything is really all right 
Б 

In recent years, Marty Robbins has 
leaned stylistically toward Al Martino 
nd other tearsoaked melodramatists. 
On Everything I've Always Wented (Colum- 


SHORT CUTS 


James Williams / Images (of Things to Come) 
(Concord Jazz): Sparkling bebop that 
ripples through the canyons of harmony 
and comes out clean. 

Cal Collins and Herb Ellis / Interplay (Con- 
cord Jazz): Blues and standards with 16 
delightful strings attached, thanks to the 
nd bassist Ray Brown. 
Smokey Robinson / Being with You (Tam- 
Smokey sings with abandon, but his 
muse was stingy this time. 

Bernard Wright / ‘Nord and Tom Browne / 
Magic (both Arista): Neither the kinetic 
clectrofunk (with ji interludes) of the 
former nor the sultry sophistication of 
the latter needs such erotic vocal ef- 
fects—but why not? 

Debra Laws / Very Special (Elektra): The 
ister of Hubert, Ronnie and Eloise 
akes her debut with a sonically splen- 
bum that could have been more 
concise. 

Alabama / Feels So Right (RCA): After 
The Eagles have flown, this country 
cadre may rule the roost. 

Joe Henderson / Foresight (Milestone): 
Timely reissue of excellent lateSixtics 
LPs from the brilliant—and woefully 
underrated—tenor player. 

The Art Former Quintet Ploys the Greet 
Jazz Hits (Columbia Jazz Odyssey): Re- 
release of a fine 1967 album of classics 
such as Song for My Father, Moanin’ 
and Watermelon Man. Not one false 
note. 

Art Pepper / So in Love (Artists House): 
The gifted altoist, returned from heroin 
hell, proves you don't have to be high 
10 soar. 

Chet Baker / Once Upon o Summertime 
(Artists House): The legend is bad 
sounding better than ever. 


FAST TRACKS 


LOONY MOON OEPARTMENT: Canadian writer Erno Rossi has found that excessive 
drug and alcohol use, flying bottles, exploding fireworks and unpredictable 
crowds have nothing to do with the Fourth of July—but they do have to do 
with the moon. Rossi says rock audiences get really crazy around the time 
of a full moon and cites the disastrous Who concert in Cincinnati when 11 
people were killed in a surging crowd. We'll buy that. But it still doesn’t 
answer our most pressing musical question: Who buys Barry Manilow records? 


EELING AND ROCKING: A planned lca- 
р: film starring Kenny Rogers 
has been postponed until 1982 be- 
cause of Rogers’ continued success on 
the concert circuit. Instead, he'll take 
a couple of wecks off and make an- 
other TV movie, based on his hit 
Coward of the County, for airing 
next I... . The authors of the 
Jim Morrison bio, No One Here Gels 
Out Alive, are denying reports that 
John Travolta has the lead in the movie. 
version; and in a related story, the 
surviving members of The Doors will 
be marketing a Doors special on cable 
TV, called A Tribute to Jim Morri- 
son. It will feature rarely shown film 
footage and interviews. The group 
plans to release the same special on 
video disc and cassette 

NEWSBREAKS: Joni Mitchell is producing 
her 13th album herself from material 
that is more along the lines of Court 
and Spark than her more recent j 
oriented work. She describes it as 
keeping it simpler. . . . ] feel myself 
returning more to basics and to my 
roots in folk music." . . . Independ- 
ent JEM records will be distributing 
a rare import featuring one of Jimi 
Hendrix’ allstar jam sessions. The 
album was produced from a 1968 
get-together in New York with Johany 
Winter, Buddy Miles and Jim Morrison. 
"Ehe group takes on Cream’s Sunshine 
of Your Love and the Beatles’ Tomor- 
row Never Knows, among others. 
Let's hear it for the Japanese depar 
ment: A record company in Japan 
is reportedly making records out of 
rice paper. So when they become 
scratched or you get tired of listening 
to them, you can sprinkle a litle 


sugar on them . . . and eat them... . 
Poul McCartney is finally considered а 
grownup. at least in the 1981-1982 
edition of Who's Who, where he's 
been given a 41-іпе bio that even 
mentions Lovc Mc Do. . . . How 
would you like Elten John to 
your birthday party? Well, if you wei 
Prince Andrew, Elton would probably 
ay yes. Elton told the 21-year-old 
member of British royalty he'd fly the 
7000 miles for the night. . . . Tom Petty 
has finally settled his record-company 
dispute and Hard Promises will be 
ош by the time you read this... . 
led Zeppelin is reportedly rehearsing 
with a new drummer, Alen WI If 
things go well, there could be a new 
album by the end of this year. . . . 
China may soon become a major 
market for the music of Western 
countrii since the Chinese have 
begun importing discs in very large 
numbers. Britain’s EMI received an 
order for more than 570.000 worth of 
records and tapes. Although mostly 
classical selections were requested, a 
lot of Beatles and Pink Floyd wits or- 
dered, too. Hey, hey, rock 'n' roll. 
RANDOM RUMORS: Rush has received 
a “platinum” for sales of more than 
1,000,000—not albums but pieces of 
gum. Amurol Products and Albun 
Graphics have announced that their 
recordalbum-shaped gum is selling 
like hot cakes—which records would 
do, too, if they had a 35-cent retail 
price. . .. The folks at Warner Bros. 
insist that Fleetwood Mac is not break 
ing up. .. . The Plasmatics apparently 
have raised more than $10,000 for the 
Wendy Williams Defense Fund. We'd rath- 
er save the whales. —nARBARA NELLIS 


mes Clavel], the author of King Rat, 
J Tai-Pan and Shógun, has finally de- 
livered Noble House (Delacorte)—"the 
fourth novel in the Asian saga." It's 
1206 pages long, so if you don’t have 
any vacation time left, you'd better plan 
on calling in sick. The new novel ties 
together elements of Clavell's previous 
works. The descendants of the original 
Taipan are fighting it out with the de- 
scendants of Tyler Brock in contempo- 
rary Hong Kong. They enlist the aid of 
a Japanese woman named Anjin. There's 
a writer named Marlowe who survived a 
Japanese prisoner-of-war camp. Neat. In- 
stead of clipper ships. you have corpo- 
rate piracy. An American conglomerate 
with Mafia ties n a foot- 
hold in Asia. 
corporate raid ggering—at times 
you want to read this with a pocket 
calculator in hand. At times you want 
to pick up The Wall Street Journal for 
comic relief, On one level, this book is 
ply J. R. Ewing Goes Abroad—Dallas 
is transported to Hong Kong. The local 
characters have names like Four Finger 
Wu, Profitable Choy and Third Toilet 
Haid Tung. The melodrama is awesome: 
You have a horse race, a mud slide, a 
fire on a floating restaurant, a run on 
a bank, an assassination, another mud 
slide, a double agent, a triple agent, 
a beautiful Chinese mistress with per- 
fect breasts, a liberated American cor- 
porate type with perlect breasts and, 
of course, the blood-oath vengeance of 
the feuding houses. In short, enough 
hooks to support a miniseries on tele- 
vision. History will repeat itsell. Clavell 
docs not do for Hong Kong what James 
Joyce did for Dublin, but who cares? 
It's a good read. 


б 

Grace Lichtenstein’s Machisma: Women 
end Doring (Doubleday) is a series of pro- 
files of women, most of them unknown, 
who capture the spirit of ex ted 
female pride. This pride, the author tells 
us, is the “by-product of sexual, fitness 
and feminist revolutions of the past two 
decades." The book provides some in- 
sight into that stunning creature in gym 
shorts who left you bleeding (and hope- 
lessly aroused) on the racquetball court 
‘or who, later that year, skied your knees 
off at Vail. These are women who can 
keep up, and more. Check them out. 

б 

Argentina scems to be going around. 
st Evita, then reports of the Reagan 
Administration’s cozying up to General 
Roberto Viola's new regime, and now 
uld's new novel, La Presidenta 

Yes, th: n the feminine 
gender. The book is an imaginative 
evocation of the Juan-Eva-Isabel Perón 


Corporate warriors à la Clavell. 


At last, the new 
Clavell; a no-frills 
Hammett bio; anda 
thriller, Double Dare. 


Shadow Man: Hammett's extraordinary life. 


legend, set in a mythical land called 
Pradera that’s strikingly similar to you 
know where, In a deft interweaving of 
past and. present, Gould traces the con- 
verging passions of two intensely ambi- 
tious people, with the focus on "Rosa" 
and her from-the-gutter-to-the-palace sto- 
ry. It's told in a silvery sort of way, at 
once delicate and powerful, and vcers 


only occasionally into preciousness—an 
engaging haule soap opera about the 
emotional world behind public masks. 


What would novelists do without Hit- 
ler? The world’s most popular personi- 
fication of evil materializes once again 
in Len Deighton’s latest spy romp, XPD 
(Knopf). It seems the goosestepper's 
personal files, lost since the war, have 
turned up on the international market. 
‘This is of particular embarrassment to 
the British, since the files contain evi- 
dence that Winston Churchill was about 
to make some premature concessions 
to the Nazis when they looked like 
winners. Little things like France, Ire- 
d and a few parts of Africa. To 
avoid turning the fabled British stift 
upper lip into a feathery grin, Her 
Majesty's intelligence agents must find 
the files before the syndicate that owns 
them sells the plot to the movies. 
Deighton (The Ipcress File, Funeral in 
Berlin) takes his own sweet time in un- 
folding this story, at one point devoting 
an entire paragraph to the preparation 
of a pot of tea. But if you've got the 
stamina for the spymaster's slo-mo expo- 
sition, Deighton will reward you with 
some satisfying "Ahas" when it all comes 
together. 


D 

Bank robbery can be a fairly lucrative 
endeavor when you have the cooperation 
of the police and society. The hero of 
Jay Cronleys new novel, Quick Chenge 
(Doubleday), unfortunately has ncither. 
All he has is a great disguise—a clown 
outfit—and a foolproof plan for getting 
the money out of the bank. Beyond that, 
the aptly named Grimm is at the mercy 
of the fates, who take great pleasure in 
foiling the most important phase of the 
plan, the getaway. Cronley, whose easy 
humor is a PLAYBOY staple (his latest: I 
Hate Golf's Guts, April 1981), draws 
steady chuckles he turns a Dog Day 
Afternoon into something resembling 
Animal Crackers. Willie Sutton. would 
have loved it. 


. 

Richard Layman's Shadow Man: The Life 
of Dashiell Hemmett (Harcourt, Brace, 
Jovanovich) reads like a file from the 
ntinental Op himself: "Here truth is 
iply what happened. Facts are the 
important things. Research has taken 
precedence over invention or specula- 
tion.” Layman does not try for the 
poetic style of Lillian Hellman's recollec- 
tions; instead, he puts together a chi 
nology of Hammetts life. The book has 
some powerful moments—among them 
the transcript of Hammett’s testimony 
before the U.S. District Court witch- 
hunt and a summary of his 20-page FBI 


41 


PLAYBOY 


42 


For a full color lithograph, 167 x 18", of Ken Davies “Flying Wid Turkey.” send $5.00 to Box 929-PB, N.Y., N.Y. 10268. 


An Unforgettable 
Experience 


To see a Wild Turkey rising 
from the forest floor is an awe- 
some sight no man is likely to 
forget. The bird’s wing-beats 
resound like thunder claps, 
and its feathers fan out in 
grand display. 

The Wild Turkey is the 
largest native bird capable 
of flight and an apt symbol 
for Americas greatest native 
whiskey—Wild Turkey. 


WILD TURKEY */ 101 PROOF / 8 YEARS OLD 


Austin, Nichols Distilling Co., Lawrenceburg, Kentucky © 1981 


file. You don’t need apocryphal anecdotes 
when the facts speak for themselves. 
б 

One difference between the young and 
the old is that the young sce death as a 
fluke of fate, while the elderly know it. 
as a fact of life. In William Wharton's 
novel Dad (Knopf), Jack Tremont teeters 
between those two worlds; he is father 
ol a vibrant family, son of aging parents. 
Dad focuses on the changing rclation- 
ships of three generations of Tremont 
males—changes spurred by Granddad's 
failing health. This is an intense and 
complex family portrait, a compelling 
look at growing up and growing old. 

. 

A. J. Liebling is often cited as the god 
father of the New Journalism. His New 
Yorker dispatches from Europe during 
World War Two were some of the best 
frontline reporting ever done, and 
they—along with selections from his post 
war work—are now collected in Liebling 
Abroad (Playboy). Previously published 
under the titles Mollie & Other War 
Pieces, The Road Back to Paris, Nor- 
mandy Revisited and Between Meals, 
Liebling's observations still read con- 
vincingly as news. 


„ 

The end of legal segregation in the 
United States and the social revolution 
that followed were the results not so 
much of the Supreme Court's landmark 
decision in 1954 as the work of Southe: 
Federal judges who gradually and ago- 
nizingly translated that ruling into prac- 
tice. Unlikely Heroes (Simon & Schuster) 
comes from Jack Bass, an acknowledged 
expert in the field, who has the rare 
ability to turn complex history into fas 
cinating drama. Its a highly readable 
account of the legal battles and the com 
batants who fought them in the courts, 
the Ic atures and the streets. 

. 

Anthony Farrell is the kind of guy 
with whom a lot of people can identify 
Bright, bored and ballsy, he quits his 
frustrating PR job to open 
able Manhattan pub that runs into a 
liquor-license snag requiring some quick 
bucks. Farrell resorts to a juice loan and 
ever so gradually finds himself up to his 
neck in a debt that turns into a major co 
caine deal, then over his head in trou- 
ble with cops, corrupt and otherwise. 
Double Dare (McGraw-Hill), by Edward 
Keyes, is a plausible, finely told thriller 
of situational ethics resulting in a dan 
gerous double bind. And that’s all we're 
going to tell you 


• 

The Book of Laughter and Forgetting 
(Knopf) slipped through our fingers 
when it first came out. Milan Kundera's 
novel is written with such a light touch 
that we hardly realize we're reading the 
curses of a political exile. Kundi 
characters are familiar and lovable, 
sionate and trapped. 


The possible dream. 


Dreams and reality. Mercury's been 
putting them together for over 40 years. 
building outboards that last. 

And you can get one of these outboards 
and your own boat at your nearest Mercury? 
dealer. For less than you think. 

Ski. Fish. Relax. You decide, Because when 
you buy a Merc, you can always count on 
what's behind you for whatever's ahead. 

Every Mercury motor has to prove itself, 
test after test. So you can be sure of the 
long-lasting value that makes your Mercury 
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What's more, every engine carries 
a one-year warranty on parts and 
labor. Honored at any of 6.000 
Mercury dealers, worldwide. 

Go ahead. Make your dream 
areality. And let your Mercury 
dealer help. After all, he knows 
anything is possible. 


44 


it a bird? Is it a plane? No, 
l it's Superstud. There is a bit more 
than that to this sequel 
tension as a substitute for pure sur- 
prise—yet all's well in general with 
Superman І! (WB). Only bona-fide grown- 
ups are likely to worry about the di- 
lemma faced by Margot Kidder and 
Christopher Reeve, when Lois Lane 
discovers Clark Kent's true identity, and 
they learn to their chagrin that it's not 
in the stars for Superman to be both 
a great lover and a cosmic fighter 
inst the forces of Evil. What to do? 
Vil never tell, and there's evidence here 
that Superman I may have another 
small surprise tucked away for the fu- 
ture. Meanwhile, kids. Lex Luthor and 
his tempting (Gene Hackman and 
Valerie Perrine) perform dark deeds as 
а mere warm-up for Superman's epic 
confrontation with Zod, Ursa and Non, 
three archevildoers expelled from Kryp- 
ton. That trio is up to no good after 
they ambush some moon-walking astro- 
. then start to cook up mischief 
for NASA on the planet Houston (even 
their geography is baad). Terence Stamp, 
Sarah Douglas and Jack O'Halloran, all 
in black with killer eyes, play the wicked 
trio so stylishly you'd think they were 
doing a funky fashion spread on lasers 
and leather. 

Style and. pace are everything in this 
kind of exercise, and director Richard 
Lester (whose credits run from А Hard 
Day's Night to The Three Musketeers) 
sees to it that Superman II moves faster 
than a speeding bullet. The choicest bits, 
for me, involve a gang of terrorists atop 
the Eiffel Tower with Lois Lane and an 
H-bomb, or maybe the honcymoon-hotel 
sequence at Niagara Falls, or Clark Kent 
losing his first fight, or Superman saving 
the Capitol dome in Washington, or 
Lex explaining to his world-beating co- 
horts why he'd like to own Australia— 
he's fond of beach-front property. Mario 
Puzo, in league with David and Leslie 
Newman, has concocted a second screen- 
play that just won't quit, won't even 


some sexual 


naui 


pause long enough to let the per- 

formers remove tongue from check. 
Flashy foolery. ¥¥¥ 
А 

More than promising, writer-director 

Michacl Mann dclivas а knockout 


punch with Thief (UA), his first major 
theatrical film (though he directed TV's 
The Jericho Mile, which took home a 
basketful of Emmy awards). James Caan 
is dynamic in the title role, flashing 
some warmth and vulnerability under 
the tough hide of a lone 
recklessly decides to work his wizardry 
for an impresario of organized crime. 
Still, he knows in his gut that diamonds 
are a thief's best friend, and he won't 


ger who 


Kidder and Reeve winging it in Superman Il. 


A super Superman and 
professional Thief, but 
a primitive Caveman. 


Caveman's Stone Age lovers Starr, Bach. 


steal anything else, except cash: “No fur, 
no coin, no cartage, no stock certificates, 
no precious metals. Nothing. Just dia 
monds.” Filming in Chicago with spec- 
tacular flair, cinematographer Donald 
Thorin has some tricks up his sleeve 
that'll make your cyes pop, tricks that 
add the violent. surreal beauty of a 
nightmare to the film's stunning authen- 
ticity, Real cops and real thieves flesh 
out the supporting cast headed by James 
Relushi (John’s brother), Willie Nelson 
and, better than ever, Tuesday Weld, as 
the bruised blonde wooed by an off 
duty. Big-time capers are the business 
afoot, and Mann treats the psychology as 
well as the technology of modern crime 
with cool, thorough objectivity. My only 
real complaint about Thief is the music 
composed by Tangerine Dream and 
blasted through key scenes at top vol- 
ume- 


until I wasn't sure whether the 
sound effects were meant to soup up the 
tension or blow up a safe. Except for 
the aural hype, a tingling trip. YYY 
б 

While Caveman (UA) was shooting on 
location in Mexico, 1 went down to 
interview Barbara Bach (PLAYBOY'S 
ary 1981 cover girl), and everyone pres- 
ent appeared to be having a wild and 
crazy time. Director Carl Gottlieb, also 
co-author of the screenplay, had pre 
ously co-written Steve Martin's The Jerk, 
as well as Jaws and Jaws 2. Barbara and 
Ringo Starr were about to fall in love be- 
tween takes, Caveman's agreeable com- 
pany included Jack Gilford, Dennis 
Quaid, Shelley Long, Avery Schreiber and 
football star John Matuszak of the Oak- 
land Raiders, a highly promising bunch of 
primitives. Well, maybe you had to be 
there. Caveman tries hard, too hard, but 
is only intermittently funny, despite 
some sly special effects. As director, Gott- 
licb wields the slapstick like a blunt 
instrument for poundin, 
ground, paying no heed whatever to the 
lessons taught by Keaton, Chaplin and 
other carly masters of silent comedy. 
With only 15 words of spoken dialog 
(ca-ca for dung, zug-zug for sex, etc), 
Caveman emphasizes fart jokes and knee 
slappers about dinosaur dodo, but is 
scarcely ribald or sophisticated enough 
for any moviegoer over the age of seven. 
Barbara and Ringo may be the only real 
winners to emerge from this fiasco, and 
1 wish them all the best. Y 

б 

The leading players in Excalibur (Ori- 
on) generally lack the larger-than-life 
quality that se] 
legendary heroes, In producer-director 
John Boorman's lusty, handsome re-crea- 
tion of Camelot (adapted by Rospo Pal- 
lenberg from Malory’s classic Le Morte 


gags into the 


tes mere mortals from 


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PLAYBOY 


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46 


d'Arihur), both Nicol Williamson as Mcr- 
lin and Helen Mirren as Morgana are 
big enough, but they fight a losing battle 
with overblown dialog. Especially Wil- 
liamson, usually an exceptional perform- 
er, who hams it up ad nauseam and 
never kindles any doubt-dissolving mag- 
ic. As noble Arthur, Lancelot and the 
faithless Queen Gucnevere, Nigel Terry, 
Nicholas Clay and (herie Lunghi look 
their respective paris and portray them 


Р 
Terry, Lunghi as Excalibur's reigning duo. 


convincingly. The trouble is, I'm afraid, 
that convincingly isn’t quite good 
enough for Boorman’s ambitious, vision- 
ary Excalibur, an adventure-fantasy 
mounted in the lush cartoon style of 
Heavy Metal magazine. A blunt and 
powerful action drama like Deliverance, 
which won him an Oscar nomination, 
suits Boorman better than this violent 
romantic myth from the Dark Ages. 
Aside from lively jousting scenes and 
acts of chivalry, the elements he tries to 
juggle in Excalibur are precariously off 
balance. Even the knights doing battle 
are occasionally funnier than anyone 
intended, it seems to me, with so many 
mettlesome tin soldiers on the game 
board, each encased in loudly clanking 
armor, that it’s often hard to tell who 
made the last move. ¥¥ 
. 

Jeff Bridges, John Heard and Lisa 
Eichhorn get caught up in the scnseless 
murder of a California cheerleader in 
Cutter and Bone (UA). Playing title roles, 
Bridges (as Bone) and Heard (Cutter) 
you might suspect, a team 
of orthopedic surgeons—theyre just 
beach bums. Bone a stud for hire to 
moneyed matrons, Cutter a screwed-up 
Vietnam vet who has lost an arm, a leg 
and an eye. Eichhorn has all her limbs, 
but no part worth playing. In fact, all the 
talent here appears to be on hold, wait- 
ing for a sense of direction or a script or 
a scrap of logic to bring something into 
focus. Czech-born director Ivan Passer, 
who came to America as a collca 
frequent collaborator of Milos Forman's, 
is a fine film maker still in search of a 
fine American film. Alter five tries. the 
neglected Silver Bears (an engaging ec 
centric comedy with Michael Caine and 


are not, as 


Cybill Shepherd) remains his best so far, 
though I'll give odds that Passer's best 
is yet to come. ¥ 


e. 

From Russia with love is an apt 
phrase for Oblomov (International Film 
Exchange), a work of art exquisitely 
framed and cminently equal to its ori- 
gins in a classic 19th Century novel by 
Ivan Goncharov, Every educated Russian 
knows Oblomov as a typical effete aristo- 
crat, a common breed before the Revolu- 
tion—in his case, a lazy landowner of 
such awesome indolence that he'd rather 
lie on his couch and nag a grouchy old 
servant than get up and live. Oleg 
"Tabakov plays the title role as if he were 
a master cellist plucking intricate pas- 
sages, waiting for each note’s echo. His 
Oblomov procrastinates, takes one step 
forward, then two steps back, finally 
throws away the love of a beautiful 
young woman (Elena Solovey) who turns 
for solace to his hyperactive best friend 
(Yury ‘Bogatyrev). Directed by a 
Mikhalov, whose A Slave of Love was the 
freshest Soviet movie to come this way 
in recent years, Oblomov is a delicate 
tragicomedy about friendship, family, 
daydreams, sloth and social responsibil- 


Oblomov's Tabakov, Solovey, Bogatyrev. 


ity. Viewers plucky enough to slog 
through an unfamiliar foreign language 
and scan subtitles will experience the 
thrill of finding hidden treasure. ¥¥¥ 

• 


Impaling, hangi d other horrors 
await four teenagers in The Funhouse 
(Universal), directed by Tobe Hooper, 
whose bloody Texas Chainsaw Massacre 
gave impetus to the current tidal wave 
of shockers. While I'm no snob about 
the joys of a really good bad movie, 
Chainsaw Massacre ating violence 
drove me out to the lobby to catch my 
breath at least twice. Well, Funhouse 
won't take your breath away, yet Hooper 
demonstrates that his hand has not lost 
its skill. The movie is unconvincing, but 
who cares? Credibility is seldom the sine 


©1981 Toyoia Motor Sales. U SA. Inc. 


Celica GTA 
Celica GT Liftback 


Toyota's 4-speed automatic over- 
drive transmission—it saves you 
money automatically because it 
reduces engine RPM's up to 31 per- 
cent at highway speeds. That pays 
off in quieter cruising, less engine 
wear, and best of all, increased gas 
mileage! (Toyota was first with this 
innovetion, back in 1979.) 

Now add Celicas new, efficient, 
standard 24 liter engine, and youre 
cruising for dollars! For 1981 Celica is 
rated at 35 EPA Estimated Highway 


THE 1981 CELICAS. 
AUTOMATIC 
SAVINGS. ' 


MPG, @5)EPA Estimated MPG. Re- 
member: Compare this estimate to 
the EPA "Estimated МРС” of other 
cars with automatic transmission. 
Your mileage may vary depending 
on speed, weather conditions and 
trip length. Actual highway mileage 
will probably be less than the EPA 
“Highway 

Estimate.’ 

You can or- 
der "automatic 
savings" in 


ЕРА ESI, 
HWYMPG. 


any 1981 Celica: the GT Liftback, GT 
Sport Coupe, or our lowest-priced 
Celica—the ST Sport Coupe. And 
this remarkable transmission is stan- 
dard equipment in the Celica GTA! 

Celica GTA—the tenth anniversary 
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PLAYBOY 


“We drink rum 
because 
„ше like the taste 


IMPORTED 


“and frankly, 
we believe 
it’s tasteless 
to drink 
any other rum.” 


APPLETON 


| 
| 


FRCOUCED IN JAMAICA BY J WRAY & NEPHEM 
MAKERS OF RUM SINCE 1825 
МОНТЕ AND BOTTLED BY 
SHEENA CO. NEW YORK, HY — SOLE US 05 


| THE RICHER RUM 


qua non of a creep show, and this "un 
gets down to cases when four youngsters 
on а double date decide to spend the 
night in a -carnival funhouse after 
lights-out. OF course, they ignore the 
warning of Sylvia Miles, as a blowzy 
high-camp fortuneteller. Of course, 
there's a resident diabolical weirdo 
(Kevin Conway) whose monster son 
(Wayne Doba) wears a Frankenstein 
mask to hide his bad complexion and 
homicidal tendencies. As of now, Hoop: 
er looks like a leading contender to take 
this year's award for conspicuous over- 
kill. Уу 


. 

Somber themes scem to pick up shafts 
of sunlight when there is incandescent 
talent around, and that's exactly the casc 
with several recent foreign imports 
I Sent a Letter to My Love (Atlantic Releas 
ing) stars Simone Signoret in a magnifi 
cent performance—she gives no other 
kind—as an aging spinster who places 
а lonely-hearts ad and reccives an answer 
from the invalid brother she has loved 
and hated and looked after during most 
of her adult life. Directed by Moshe 
Mizrahi, Signoret’s collaborator on the 
Oscar-winning Madame Rosa, this small 
scale story might easily dissolve into 
cheap sentimentality if Signoret allowed 
herself even one wrong move. She's too 
shrewd 


n actress, though, to play lonc 
liness as a tearjerking gimmick. Jean 
Rochefort, as the handicapped brother, 
and Delphine Seyrig, as a dithery, high 
minded family friend often caught in 
the cross fire of sibling rivalry, are both 
so good they convinced me that Signoret 
couldn't walk away with the picture un. 
less they wanted her to. Set in a pictur 
esque fishing village on the French coast 
Leiter has impeccable taste, warmth. 
humanity and actors who are never for 
a moment in danger of being upstaged 
by the scenery. ¥¥¥ 


Bedouins battle Italians in tion of the 
Desert (United Film), a sprawling, physi 
cally impressive epic based on historical 
fact. Rod Steiger plays Mussolini, who 
sends one of his ruthless generals 
(Oliver Reed) to Libya to wage war in 
the name of peac 
a beloved Bedouin leader (Anthony 
Quinn, who else?) who has fought occu- 
pation troops for 20 years. This cine 
matic behemoth was filmed in North 
Africa by producer-director Moustapha 
Akkad at staggering cost. Oil money, 
one presumes, since Akkad also made 
The Message, a more-or-less invisible 
life of Mohammed in which the holy 
founder of Islam could not be depicted 
because religious laws forbid such here 
sy. Lion is appreciably bener, yet 1 
watched it thinking there's a powerful 
argument for conserving energy of all 
kinds. ¥¥ 

REVIEWS BY BRUCE WILLIAMSON 


the better to quell 


MOVIE SCORE CARD 


capsule closc-ups of current films 
by bruce williamson 


American Pop U. 5. immigrants mak- 
ing good and making music in Ralph 
Bakshi’s animated Americana. УУ 

Atlantic City On the Boardwalk with 
Burt Lancaster and Susan Sarandon 
in a wry romance by Louis Malle. ¥¥¥ 

Caveman (Reviewed this month) 
Ringo met Barbara, and that’s th 

ity of Women Marcello Mastroi: 
gamely losing the battle of the sexes. 


with Fellini calling the shots. ¥¥¥ 
Cutter ond Bone (Reviewed this 
month) Doctor in the house? Y 
Excolibur (Reviewed this month) The 
Round Table crowd of yore. — YY 


Eyewitness TV news hen (Sigourney 
Weaver) meets janitor (William Hurt) 
in Peter Yates's deft romantic thriller 
about love and murder. yyy 

The Funhouse (Rcvicwed this month) 
Midway maniac vi. teen foursome. ¥¥ 

Hard Country lis Urban Cowboy re- 
visited, minus bull, with Jan-Michael 
Vincent and Kim Basinger.  ¥¥% 

1 Sent a Letter to My Love (Reviewed 
this month) Signed, scaled and su- 
perbly played by Simone Signoret. ¥¥¥ 
Marlene 
Dietrich, Sydne Rome and Kim Novak 
get high on decadence in Berlin. УУУ 

Knightriders More knights on bikes, 
or Camelot in Middle America. ¥¥¥ 

La Cage cux Folles I Back to the boys 
in the bandbox, and gay is still beau- 
tiful the second time around. LLL 

The last Metro Catherine Deneuve 
and Gerard Depardieu play the troup- 
ers in Francois Truffaut's salute to 
le showbiz in time Paris. yyy 

The Line Inside an Army stockade, 
where some Vietnam dropouts learn 
military discipline the hard way. ¥¥¥ 

Lion of the Desert Quinn's back in 
burnoose. yy 

Nepoleon Made in France in 1927, 
this disinterred silent masterpiece still 
takes your breath aw УУУУ 

Nighthowks The top international 
terrorist (Rutger Hauer) us. New 
York's top decoy cop (Sylvester < 


lone). Nonstop action drama. ¥¥¥ 
Oblomov (Reviewed this month) 
Russian cinematic soul food. VV. 


The Postmon Always Rings Twice Heavy 
breathing by Jack Nicholson and 
Jessica Lange in а hot-blooded 
remake. YY 

Superman I (Reviewed this month) 
Now we learn what he did for love 
an admirable sequel, all in all. ¥¥¥% 

Thief (Reviewed this month) High- 
tech crime drama starring James Caan 
as a supercrook in Chicago. yyy 


¥¥ Worth a look 
Y Forget it 


YYYY Don't miss 
YYY Good show. 


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50 


* COMING ATTRACTIONS * 


por Gosse: Actress Julie Andrews has 

been undergoing a steady image 
change lately, due. in large part. to the 
roles in which she's been cast by her 
husband, writer-director Blake Edwards. 
First, there was “70,” in which the ex- 
Mary Poppins played the sharp-tongued, 
liberated girlfriend of Dudley Moore. In 
S.0.B., a sardonic view of Hollywood, 
Edwards has cast her as an actress with 
a lead role in a film that is changed in 
midproduction to softcore porn. And 
now, in Victor/Victoria (also written 
and directed by Edwards), she plays, of 
all things. a female impersonator. Co- 
Starring Robert Preston and James Garner, 
the flick is about a down-and-out opera 
singer (Andrews) persuaded by a gay 
entertainer (Preston) to become a female 
impersonator at a gay bar. (In other 
words, Andrews is a female impersonat- 


Gorner Andrews 


ing a male impersonating a female— 
does that clear things up?) The plot 
thickens when she falls in love with a 
gangster (Garner), who goes through a 
few changes himself, since he thinks he's 
in love with a man. Or something like 
that. . . . Albert Finney and 
play a ied couple splitting up in 
MGM's Shoot the Moon. Wriuen by 
Bo (Melvin and Howard) Goldman and 
directed by Alan Parker, the film explores 
the effects of the breakup on the couple 
and their four children who are stuck in 
the middle. The tide, incidentally, de- 
rives from the card game hearts: "Shoot- 
ing the moon” is a strategy in which a 
player attempts to win by accumülating 
il the hearts in the deck. 
„ 

soo! “My intention is to scare the 1 
ing shit out of people," says director 
John Landis about his first serious horror 
film, An American Werewolf in Lon- 
don. The 30-year-old Landis, known 
mostly as a director of comedy (Animal 
House and Blues Brothers), stresses that 
Werewolf is not going to be big on 
laughs. "Sure, there are a few funny 
p he says, "but mostly it’s just real- 
ly terrifying.” Starring David Naughton 
(you'll recognize him from Dr Pepper 
commerdals) and Jenny Agutter, the film. 
bout two young Americans who, 
summering in Britain, come 


ione Keaton 


s, 


while 


across the supernatural in Wales. Says 
Landis, not wanting to give too much. 
away: “The werewolf is more of a four- 
legged beast than а man with a hairy 
face.” Landis originally wrote the Were- 
wolf script at the age of 19 and it’s been 
optioned seven times but never made 
until now. “I guess people just thought 
it was too odd,” he says. 
. 
REVENGE? Mystery sur- 
rounds the sudden disintegration of 
German director Werner Herzog Filz- 
carraldo, which, until late February, had 
been shooting in the wilds of Peru. 
Cast members Jason Robards, Mick Jagger 
and Claudio Cardinale had completed 40 
percent of their on-location work when 
reports came back to Hollywood that 
Robards had left the set due to a severe 
case of dysentery. Sources dose 
Robards—who has been replaced 
film by Klaus Kinski—tell me he will not 
talk about it with anyone. 
E 

MOTHER'S DAY; The main difference be- 
tween Mommie Dearest, the book, and 
Paramount's film adaptation is that the 
film makers are striving to make Joon 
Crawford a more sympathetic character. 
Faye Dunowoy's Crawford is motivated to 
tanuums by strong outside pressures. 
“The script tries to make her actions 
more understandable," says an insider. 
“We've put it within the context of the 
fightfor-survival atmosphere of the stu- 
dios.” Aside from that, the movie will 
be a fairly accurate re-creation; events 


MONTEZUMA's 


Dunaway Crawford 


in the book, such as the famous wirc- 
coat-hanger sequence, will remain intact. 
Мага Hobel plays the young Christina Craw- 
ford and Diana (Inside Moves) Searwid 
plays her as a young woman. TI 
hours of make-up cach day h: 
Dunaway into the spitting im 
Crawford in the early Forties. The role, 
however, has taken its toll: Faye appar- 
ently had to do so much screaming dur- 
ing the coarhanger scene that by the 
next morning she had developed a severe 
case of laryngit 


E 

THE WILDER BUNCH: Jock Lemmon, Walter 
Matthau and director Billy Wilder, the dy- 
namic trio of The Fortune Cookie and 


The Front Page, team up for the third 
time with Buddy, Buddy, a comedy 
about the strange friendship between 
hit man and a TV censor bent on com- 
mitting suicide. Seems Matthau is hired 
to eliminate three men who are to testify 
in a land-deal case—he bumps off the 
first two before the opening credits are 
over, then hides in a hotel across from 
the courthouse, ready to off the third. 
Meanwhile, Lemmon checks into the 
adjacent room, heartbroken that his 
wife (Paula Prentiss) has left him for the 
head of a sex clinic (Klous Kinski). Each 
e Lemmon attempts suicide—he tries 


Lemmon Matthau 


hanging himself, jumping off the ledge. 
taking sleeping pills, razor blades—Mat- 
thau, who doesn’t want to attract any 
attention, saves him. Lemmon, of course, 
interprets all that as a sign of deep 
friendship, though the truth is that 
Matthau considers him nothing more 
than a major р: in the ass. "Its 
the best comedy script I've read since 
Some Like It Hot,” says Lemmon. “Any- 
body who says, halfway through making 
a film, that it's great is crazy. Call me 
crazy. 


e. 
BOX-OFFICE BONANZAS: Figures on last 
hristmas season's movie receipts are in 
nd the winning category, by several 
lengths, is comedy. Of the five top-gross- 
ing Christmas releases, says Variety, Stir 
Crazy led the pack, with more than 
$20.000.000 in gross receipts. Nine to 
Five came in second, with $14,000,000, 
followed by Popeye ($11,000,000), Any 
Which Way You Can ($9,000,000) and 
Seems Like Old Times ($8,000,000). 
no doubt de- 
duced from all that that America's 
funny bone is connected to its wallet 
bone. So guess what you'll be seeing 
this summer? Comedy. Among the top 
contenders, in no particular or 
Cheech and Chong's Nice Dreams, Un- 
der the Rainbow, Neil Simons Only 
When I Laugh, Paternity and The Gan 
nonball Run (both starring Burt Reynolds), 
Nel Brooks's History of the World—Part 
1, Zorro and the Gay Blade, National 
Lampoon Goes to the Movies, Super- 
man I1 and Tarzan, the Ape Man 

(with Bo Derek). —JOUN BLUMENTE AL a 


What the studios have 


IT WAS AGREAT GAME, BUT 
IT'S GOOD TO BEHOME. 


em sosire 
For st STOMACH KUA 
КҮШ 
Арск е BOY perm 
киип IRFON PACIS 


Right now you are wishing you didn't 
eat so many hot dogs and drink that last 
can of beer. But you're home now. 

And right there, 
between the cotton balls 
and the bandages, you 
find your Alka-Seltzer® 

As you listen to the 
familiar fizz of those 


ALKA-SELTZER. AMERICA'S HOME REMEDY. 


Pics zi 


your discomfort. 
You know that for upset 
stomach with headache, 
nothing works better, 
nothing is more soothing 
than Alka-Seltzer. 
No wonder it's 
America's Home Remedy. 


Read and follow label directions. ©1981 Miles Laboratories, Inc 


Although cameras today may 
Seem amazingly sophisticated, with 
built-in computers and electronics, 
they're really nothing more than boxes 
to control the light and hold the film. 

In fact, the lens is what actually 
creates the image. 

Which is why it's so important, if 
you're serious about 35mm photogra- 
phy, that your lenses are the highest 
possible quality. 

IF YOU PAY LESS, YOU 
MAY GET LESS 

There are a lot of less expensive 

lenses on the market than those made 
| by Pentax. But, as usual, 
3 you get what you pay for. 


3 For example, an in- 
ferior lens won't always 
@ | give you the sharpest 
pictures. 


Or the picture may 
em be sharp, but have low 
ES WORE LENT RON contrast. 

COLOR AND LESS FLARE. Or it may be sharp 
and have good contrast, but have poor 
ortinted color. 

In extreme cases, substandard 
mechanical workmanship on an ele- 
ment like the focusing ring can cause 
you to lose the picture altogether. 

PENTAX DOESN'T SKIMP 
ON ANYTHING 

Pentax started as a lens com- 
pany, and for sixty years we've been 
dedicated to excellence in optics. 

This reveals itself in everything 
from the optical glass we choose to 
the delicately balanced"feel"in every 
Pentax lens. 

It reveals itself in numerous in- 
novations like Super-Multi-Coating, a 
Seven-layer coating we put on every 
surface of every piece of glass. It can 
transmit nearly 50% more light than 
conventional coatings. 

And it reveals itself in the fact 
that every Pentax lens is put together 
as precisely as is humanly (and me- 
chanically) possible. 

QUANTITY IS AS IMPORTANT 
AS QUALITY 

A great 35mm photograph can 
be as much the result of the type of 
lens you use as the quality of that lens. 

Pentax makes over 40 lenses, 
from 15mm ultra wide angle to 


A 35MM PHOTOGRAPH 
IS ONLY AS GOOD AS THE LENS 
IT COES THROUGH. 


2000mm reflex telephoto. Included THE SECRET OF 

in this array are 9 zooms, 11 telephotos EINE 35MM PHOTOGRAPHS 
and 10 wide angles, not to mention If you thought enough of your 
macro and fish eye. So you can take photographs to buy a Pentax camera, 
the kind of photograph you want, from you should know by now that your 

an insects eye to a lighthouse that's lenses should be made by Pentax, too. 
five miles offshore. Because the camera doesn't 


BETTER ZOOMS make the picture by itself. 

Zooms are fun and marvelously It needs the lens. 
versatile, but they're hellishly difficult 
to make well. 

The myriad glass elements inside 
the zoom are in constant and complex 
motion, often rotating as well as mov- 
ing axially. If everything doesn't mesh 
with clock-like precision, the 
image suffers enormously. 

in fact, each Pentax 
zoom, from the 24mm— 


First where it means something to 
> be first. 


35mm to the 135mm— 
600mm, is made with the 
kind of exactness that can 
produce photographs as 
good as thosetaken with a 
fixed, non-zoom lens. 


© 1981 Pentax Corporation. All rights reserved. For more information, write Pentax Lenses, 35 Inverness Drive East, Englewood, Colorado 80112. 


PLAYBOY'S TRAVEL GUIDE 


By STEPHEN BIRNBAUM 


CHANCES ARE that as you read this, 
Prince Charles and Lady Di are hud- 
dling together on the floor of some cozy 
corridor at Windsor, Sandringham, Bal- 
moral or Buckingham Palace. For if 
they're at all like every other couple 
about to get married, they're probably 
poring over about 1000 
travel brochures, cach describing in de- 
us detail some absolutely irresi: 
ible honeymoon package. But onc of the 
most persistent of all travel myths is that 
every honeymoon package is a great bar- 
gain and that savvy twosomes, be they 
newly wedded blue bloods or just good 
friends, hitch themselves to those matri- 
monial migrations whenever possible. 
Separ 


shotgun weddings i for. 
Our answer to the question “Should we 
buy a honeymoon package or по” has 
to be an unqualified “Maybe.” 

Before we look at some specific pack- 
ages, a few general comments are in 
order. In the great honeymoon condo- 
yersus-hotel-room debate, 1 come down 
on the side of the condo. Condos usually 
offer more room in which to roan 
around; and even if room service isn’t 
available, you still don't have to put on 
clothes for breakfast. Cruises should, I 
think, be avoided for lack of space. Be 
sides, throwing up on your nuptial trip 
is not the best way to launch a shipshape 
marriage. On the positive side, sports 
packages, суеп if they aren't actually 
imed at newlyweds, are worth looking 
into. Golf, tennis and ski we are usu- 


ally heavily discounted and can be at- 
nergctic couples 


tractive deals for 

Broad generalizations about the most 
popular honeymoon destinations are 
tough to make. Bermuda and Hawaii 
traditionally handle plancloads of new- 
lyweds, but their prices are both good 
and bad, depending on where and when 
you go. Ditto for Carmel and Monterey 
on the spectacular California Coast. 
Pennsylvania's Pocono Mountains аге 
popular with certain East Coast types 
who think heart-shaped bathtubs and 
t-couple-to-breakfast door prizes will 
fire postwedding passion; and Niagara 
alls can still be a barrel of laughs; but 
the appeal of those two places has noth- 
ing really to do with the value of their 
honeymoon packages. 

What makes a specific comparison so 
hard to make is all the odd goodies that 
are commonly contained in honeymoon 
offerings, ranging from disco discounts 

nd free gambling chips to a free pine 

apple. Obyiously, some are more valu- 
ble than others, and your own appraisal 
will depend a lot on your tastes. 


HONEYMOON HASSLE 


When you add up the extras, 
honeymoon packages are not 
always great bargains. 


Take Hawaii: The new Hyatt Regen- 


icture and has what sec 
at first blush like an appealing pack: 
four days and three nights for $331 for 
two. But to determine if it really were 
any kind of bargain, we multiplied the 
normal nightly rate of $106 by three 
nights and got a $318 total, or $13 less 
than the package price, In fairness, 1 
should point out that the package also 
includes a bottle of champagne and a 
steak-and-eggs breakfast. Is it worth buy- 
ing the honeymoon package? We think 
not, unless that's an awfully good bottle 
mpagne (and very fresh eggs). 
ed to report that one of 
the most notable honeymoon nonbar- 
gains is offered by my own favorite 
honeymoon site at Las Brisas, outside 
Acapulco on the west coast of Mexico. 
Although the rooms are lovely and the 
private pools even more tempting, the 
honeymoon package costs from 37 to 54 
percent more than buying the same ac 
commodations on a nonpackage basis. 
"he only real bonus in the package we 
appraised was an odd bottle of wine and 
the use of a jeep. In Mexico, they ought 
to pay you to drink the wine, though the 
jeep is a valuable accessory. But one 
wonders just how much jeeping a couple 
is likely to do on its honeymoon. 
Although it's easy to discard those 
packages for which you pay a substantial 
bonus for a lot of junk such as honcy- 
moon pictures (where the two of you 


look like something from a SEND THESE 
KIDS TO CAMP poster), sometimes the “ex- 
tras” are really valuable. At Sea Pines 
Plantation on Hilton Head Island, 
South Carolina, for example, the first 
look at this summer's honeymoon “ 
cial” suggests that it is as uneconomical 
as the examples noted above. We looked 
at a couple of four-day, threenight 
packages, in different accommodations 
around the property, and discovered 
that renting the regu 
lar basis costs $150 less than the price 
quoted for the honeymoon package. We 
had discounted the value of the free bot- 
tle of champagne and the two cocktails 
that top the “extras” list but began to 
get a lot more friendly toward the 
honeymoon offering when we noted that 
dinner for two, a sunset cruise for two 
(or an island tour) was included, as 
were two bikes for three days and greens 
fees for two (or four hours of tennis). 
The value of those extras made the cost 
come pretty close to that of the cost of 
buying those elements separately, and 
while it was not a major bargain, there 
was no real loss of money. 

Now, it might be argued that equal 
value is hardly a great incentive to run 
out and buy a honeymoon holiday for 
youmelf—even if you haven't any 
thought of getting married. But in talk- 
ing with our favorite travel editor of our 
favorite brides’ publication, we were re- 
galed at some length about how hotel 
gers are especially well disposed 
toward honeymooners, and how they 
ely upgrade rooms for loving new- 
lyweds when they can. She sounded 
sincere, so we assume that is true, but 
you'll have to judge your own chances 
for such special treatment. It se 
us most probable in off-peak travel peri- 
ods and least likely during high sez 

Tt would be wrong to leave you (and 
Charley and Di) with the impression 
that there is no honeymoon package 
worth its salt (or rice). In tiptocing 
through San Juan, we stumbled across 
the old Americana Hotel—now called 
The Palace—where we found a couple of 
honeymoon offerings that saved newly- 
weds about ten percent over convention- 
al room levies. Not only that but one of 
the extras—right after the ubiquitous 
bottle of champagne, the unavoidable 
welcoming cocktail, the fruit, the sou- 
venir photograph and the five-dollar 
casino chip—was a massage for two in 
the hotel health club. Nowhere was there 
any notation about whether those mas- 
ges were concurrent or consecutive, nor 
by whom that friendly kneading was to 
be administered. There are some things 
they just don't tell you if you don't ask. 


"spe- 


53 


А 
i 


“Michelob ee any time feel 
ч le tike a weekend? 


THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 


МИ... do you do when you discover 
that your partner is having an affair? Or 
that he has had affairs in the past? It 
recently came to my attention that my 
d had cheated on our marriage. I 
y hurt. Our sex life has been in- 
па there shouldn't have been 
him to wande 


cause for 


that there were other reasons. Can you 
shed any light on this?—Mrs. D. Bos- 
ton, Massachusetts. 

First, we would ask you to change your 
vocabulary. We're not sure that cheat- 
ing was what he had in mind. Several 
studies—ranging from Alfred Kinsey's to 
Morton Hunt's—have shown that ap- 
proximately 50 percent of married men 
have extramarital affairs. It is rare that 
such affairs are discovered (only three 
percent of all affairs are accidentally un- 
covered). According to pollster Lewis 
Yablonsky, 80 percent of the men who 
fool around do not tell their wives. The 
20 percent who kiss and tell do so to get 
vid of guilt, to cause pain or to challenge 
the status quo of the marriage. Contrary 
to soap-opera wisdom, sex isn’t the only 
cause of extramarital affairs. Dr. Avodah 
К. Ои, author of “Night Thoughts, 
Reflections of a Sex Therapist,” suggests 
that there are at least 14 predictable 
times for sexual infidelity to occur: “All 
have to do with loss or stress, cither tran- 
sient or permanent, and represent. at- 
tempts to cope or adapt. These include 
any point when a man or woman is (1) 
deciding on or beginning a carcer; (2) 
heavily involved in expansion or success; 
(3) changing jobs; (4) traveling exten- 
sively alone; (5) depressed by failure; (6) 
bored by monotony or fatigued by dull 
overwork; and (7) retiring." In addition, 
she states the following: “Family crises 
and events that are often related to ex- 
tramarital adventures include; (1) preg- 
nancy and childbirth; (2) the period 
during which small children receive a 
great deal of attention at home; (3) 
limes of bereavement, such as the death 
of a parent; (4) periods of other emo- 
tional crisis—a child's accident or a 
mate's illn (5) the ‘empty nest. syn- 
drome when children leave for school or 
college; (6) any time іп a person's life 
when she or he confronts the process of 
physical aging, an awareness that occurs 
at least in every decade of life; and (7) 
any lime of stress, such as moving, buy- 
ing a home or any major change in style 
of life." So our first advice is this: Don't 
look at the affair bul, rather, at every- 
thing else that is going on in your life. 


ММ... dose 10 $2000 invested in cam- 
cra equipment, 1 get a litle nervous 


when I have to leave it alone on a 
trip or in the car. What's the best way 
to protect photographic equipment?— 
M. P., Omaha, Nebraska. 

Your fears are not unfounded. Camera 
theft is on the rise and recovery is un- 
likely. You can’t stop a thief, but you 
can deter him. It's a good idea to mark 
all your equipment with an etching 
pen, available from the police in some 
communities, Pawnshops risk their li- 
censes lo accept such marked merchan- 
dise and most fences consider it too hot 
to handle, The same security systems that 
protect your car also protect anything 
in il. If you're going to store your 
equipment there, invest in an alarm and 
locking system, and use it. Finally, check 
into insurance. It may be that your 
equipment is covered in your regular 
houschold insurance; but if not, you may 
want to buy a separate policy. 


This is in answer to the March 
Advisors request for letters concerning 
or I say examine the attitude, not 
the procedure. I've found that the best 
oral sex is just that—a form of expres- 
sion in itself, not just another method of 
foreplay, though there’s nothing wrong 
with that, either. The really remarkable 
episodes in my mind always involve ag- 
gressive, enthusiastic women who aren't 
at all self-conscious about expressing de- 
sire. What seems to make the difference 
are the enthusiasm and timing. A wom- 
an walked up to mc in a saloon once 
and simply said, "I was just sitting over 
there wondering what it would be like 
to suck you oft" You'd better believe 
the evening ended in great head. Of all 


the really good times, it's not the meth- 
od that stands out but the motive. For 
the purpose of suggesting ways of mak- 
ing it better for Miss S.B. and her lover, 
I can only bring out a few points, such 
as they are. First: Have some idea of 
what you're doing, so the poor guy 
doesn't have to direct the whole episode 
if it were a scene from a movie. Im 
all for the communication of likes and 
dislikes, but it detracts from the spon- 
taneity if every step has to be requested. 
Open up and just enjoy yourself. He'll 
probably enjoy it, too. Also, it's quite 


endearing to the man when the woman 
swallows the ejaculate. Lastly, my sugges- 
tion is to pick some really surprising time 
and/or place. For the other side of the 
coin, I've noticed that those same things 


make for good sex for the lady. After all, 
feeling good isn’t dependent on gender 
Unusual places and/or impromptu tim- 
ing does the trick here, too. I seem to get 
more response from going slowly, almost 
as il I were seducing her, even il we may 
have been lovers for a long time. Rather 
than use oral sex as a prelude to inter- 
course, just keep going. Don't get so 
rhythmic your moves are predictable. 
Stagger the times and places you place 
your tongue. Bounce from clitoris to 
ugina in a random pattern and use her 
quickening breath as a guide to her 
likes. The biggie, though, seems to be 
keep going. Go for an orgasm or spend 
ihe whole night trying. Go for two. 
for three; what the hell! If she's enjo 
herself, save sewing for another time. 
You'll have a very happy lady with you 
right now, and that's pretty nice. Time 
for a liule more independent study on 
my part.—E. J., New York, New York. 

What is this? You must be after my 
job. Thanks for your insight. By the way, 
what was the address of that saloon? 


AS tar as Im concerned, the return to 
classics in men's clothing is a welcome 
one. But it brings to mind a question 
that I've never been able to answer. 
What's the difference between a plaid, a 
tartan and а tattersallz—M. P., Cleve- 
land, Ohio. 

You've probably already deduced that 
these are woven patterns with lines of 
color that intersect at right angles; but 
each has its own history. Plaids and tar- 
tans are the same thing. When a Scot- 
tish clan or military regiment adopts a 
certain. plaid, it becomes a tartan. For 
instance, a glen or Glen Urquhart plaid 
is the tartan for the clan members who 
live in that particular glen (valley). 
Plaids ате not exclusive to the Scots, 
however. The Japanese have worn them 
for centuries, and East Indians have used 


55 


PLAYBOY 


56 


them in their fabric known as madras, 
named after the Indian province. Au- 
thentic madras is characterized by its 
tendency to fade in the wash, producing 
subtle colorations. Tattersall, а thin- 
checked. fabric, gets its name from the 
horse blankets Richard Tattersall of 
London used for his horse market in the 
18th Century. The only non-right-angle 
plaid you're likely to see is the tartan of 
the Campbell clan, who since 1457 have 
been the earls and dukes of Argyll. 
That's the distinctive diamond-shaped 
plaid on your Argyle socks. 


INl mauer where my current lover 
touches me, I get an erection. Mind you, 
I don't find anything wrong with that, 
but sometimes in the wrong places it 
can be slightly embarrassing. Is it possi- 
ble for anyone (male or female) to have 
an erogenous zone that is, in effect. the 
whole body? Or is it mainly psychologi 
cal, depending on the person you arc 


with? We are both very oriented toward 
touching.—D. B., Columbia, Maryland. 
Welcome to the wonderful world of 


polymorphous perversity. The whole 
concept of erogenous zones is somewhat 
misleading. Your skin is the largest organ 
of your body—and one of the most 
sensitive. There's no reason to divide 
it into arbitrary sex areas. Why limit 
your range of arousal? Use your whole 
body: The more of yourself you bring 
into play, the more intense the pleasure. 


Space problems in my studio apart- 
ment make the new minicomponent h 
systems perf 
buy one, will the qual 
that of one of the large 
a small system but don’t want to com- 
promise my music—L. T., Atlanta, 
Georgi 
Have no fear. The new minis are every 
bit as quality oriented as the larger sys- 
tems. The process of miniaturization, 
though, does drive up the price. The 
only advice we'd give you in looking is 
to pay strict attention to the speakers. 
Small speakers generally have poor bass 
response. That is because the bass fre- 
quencies require a lot of room for the 
movement of air. The little speakers just 
don't have the room for much move- 
ment. Chances are they will work well 
enough in a studio apartment, but don't 
count on the kind of bass you can feel. 


Thm а 25-yearold newlywed. 1 enjoy 
sex—in fact, I ask my husband to make 
love to me just as often as he asks me. 


d always two or three 
times in that one day. My problem is 
this: I can't achieve an org; 
husband talks dirty to me. That prob- 
ably doesn't sound bad to you, but T'A 
like to have sex in a more loving way. 


T like to climax because my husband is 
adsome, wonderful and in love with 
me, but I seem to have to have obscene 
fantasies whispered in my car. 1 know 
that habit must come from younger days, 
when I would masturbate to dirty maga- 
zines. We have healthy sex, because 
neither of us is inhibited and we always 
climax in almost any position. My hus- 
nd and I are worried about it for the 
future. What can I do to change my 
"having sex" into “making love"?—Mis. 
W. C., New York, New York. 

If you think you have a problem, you 
have a problem, some say. On the other 
hand, if something works, don’t fix it. It 
sounds to us like you are making love. 


MAD of a sudden, there are turbocharg- 
ers everywhere. I have heard of turbos’ 
being used on race cars, but now they 
are being included on passenger cars of 
all kinds. The question is: Whats a 
turbo and what does it do2—P. M., 
Knoxville. Tennessee. 

Turbochargers used to be aftermarket 
or racing accessories before the fuel 
pinch made smaller engines a necessity. 
They've come into their own, since they 
can improve the performance of those 
smaller engines considerably. The name 
comes from the word turbine, which is 
essentially a flywheel that is turned by 
rushing air or, in this case, exhaust gases 
from the engine, Exhaust gases turn the 
flywheel, which operates a compressor. 
The compressor delivers the air-fuel 
mixture to your engine under pressure, 
providing a boost in power under accel- 
eration, More power is thus produced 
with little change in gasoline economy, 
depending on how you drive. The fact is 
that any car can be turbocharged if 
there is room under the hood for the 
system. But you should first check with 
the car manufacturer for his recommen- 
dations and then make sure it's installed 
properly. 


V enjoy gadgets as much as the nest guy, 
but, for the life of me, I can't see the 
point in those new videodisc playe 
The latest absurdity I've noticed is that 
some of the newer machines have styluses 
that ride in grooves, operating much а 
a phonograph does. The laser machines 
lest provide a technological thrill, 
but the new formats scem to be a step 
backward, promising the same kind of 
stylus and disc wear as a phonograph. 
Whats going on?—L. M., St. Paul, 
Minnesota 

Just as with the video-recorder boom 
of a few years ago, what we have is 
several companies working independent- 
ly on the same idea and all coming up 
with different solutions. As then, you 
can't tell the players without a score 
card. Presently, there are three basic 
formats of video-disc players, LV (laser 
vision), CED (capacitance electronic 


disc) and VHD (video high density). The 
LV system is, naturally, laser read and 
the discs have no grooves. CED has both 
a stylus and grooves in the disc: VHD 
has a stylus but no grooves. CED and 
VHD are the newest systems, and while 
they may seem a мер backward, they are 
not actually the same as phonograph sys- 
tems. The CED stylus, for instance, 
tracks at about one fifteenth the weight 
of a phono needle, while the track of the 
VHD stylus is so wide, disc and stylus 
wear is significantly reduced. In cither 
format, you will eventually have to re- 
place the stylus, but certainly not as 
often as the one on your turntable. Since 
the discs ате enclosed in sleeves even 
the machine, the 
ravages of human handling do not pose 
a threat to them. There will be wear 
from the styluses, but it will be slight. 
In any case, the systems aren't the big 
problem, programs are. Finding the one 
you want in the right format will be a 
chore for a while until the libraries are 
built up. So you can almost base your 
buying decision now on what programs 
are available and choose the player that 
matches them. 


ІМІ, dover occasionally uses a cock 
ring to maintain his erection. We a 
both interested in knowing if there arc 
any adverse effects from the use of such 
a device. The t time he used it, he 
id a tremendous orgasm: however, he 
busted a blood vessel, a 
developed on his penis alter 
ng session. What is the of 


when inserted into 


Hollywood, 

One sex expert warns: “Using а con- 
siricling device to obtain or maintain 
erection makes as much sense as using 
strangulation to assist in holding your 
breath. Cock ring based on the 
incorrect premise that holding blood 
inside the penis by mechanical means 
helps maintain erection. Blood circulates 
in and out of the erect. penis, and al- 
tempts io stop this circulation can. be 
harmful. Cock rings can reduce outflow 
and increase back pressure inside the 
penis. But rather than contribute to 
erection, cock rings can bruise the deli- 
cate tissues inside the penis in which 
blood collects to cause erection. Gock 
rings can seriously damage the penis and 
should be avoided.” Enough said? 


are 


All reasonable questions—from fash- 
ion, food and drink, stereo and sports cars 
to dating dilemmas, taste and ctiquett 
will be personally answered if the writer 
includes a stamped, self-addressed en- 
velope. Send all letters to The Playboy 
Advisor, Playboy Building, 919 N. Michi- 
gan Avenue, Chicago, Ilinois 60611. The 
most provocative, pertinent queries will 
be presented on these pages cach month. 


Just whe 


this ye?" y! 
rt Luxury Da 
And W 
ough t° turn 


car 


spo 


e А 
jer bu! with dore efc 


Forgivably Expensive 


BOODLES 
BRITISH 
GIN 


This is Boodles. Imported from Britain for the individual who 
thinks it unforgivable to make a martini or tonic drink with anything less than 
an ultra-refined British gin. The individual who desires incomparable pleasure 
that only the world's costliest methods could produce. 
Yes, Boodles is expensive. But, forgivably so. 


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THE PLAYBOY FORUM 


a continuing dialog on contemporary issues between playboy and its readers 


ALTERED STATES 

The success of the sf film Altered 
States has made sensory-deprivation tanks 
a hot pop-culture item. Sense-tank em- 
poriums are popping up «cross the coun- 
try and cosmic cowboys who used to ride 
the bull can now go tripping in the 
tank. Never one to pass up a new fad, I 
headed for a storefront near Northwest- 
ern University, where I experienced an 
unusual phenomenon 1 thought your 
readers might find interesting. 

Most of the literature concerning 
sense-tank sensations describes druglike 
hallucinations leading to enlightenment. 
The scientist in Altered States, on the 
other hand, headed back down the evo- 
lutionary chain, ultimately reverting to 
pure energy. Personally, I didn't go for 
the white light or my primal roots. In- 
stead, I headed straight for my libido. 

On my next trip. Tm taking along а 
condom and am going to see if sensory 
deprivation can enhance sensual experi- 
ence without causing water pollution. 

(Name withheld by request) 
Evanston, Illinois 


GOOD NEIGHBORS 

I just want to let everyone know that 
the level of law enforcement in Tampa 
is keeping crime well under control. At 
least some crime. 

A 34-year-old nurse was arrested here 
recently for “lewd and lascivious” be- 
havior: sun-bathing nude in her high- 
fenced back yard. A neighbor called the 
police, because her children had figured 
out a way to peek through the overlap- 
ping slots by putting their little heads 
against the fence and peering at an 
angle. Then the cops swung into action! 
Four sheriff's deputies arrived, including 
a sergeant to oversce the arrest and a 
deputy to climb up onto the fence and 
take photos, which awakened the "sus- 
pect” from her nap 

Now, that’s real crime control. 

(Name withheld by request) 
"Tampa, Florida 

Police know that when they're dealing 
with nude female back-yard sun bathers, 
they can’t afford to take chances. Check 
out the Palm Beach peril reported in the 
letter below. 


TOPLESS JOGGING 

Recognizing a manifest threat to pub- 
order when they see one, the city 
council of Palm Beach, Florida, has 
passed an ordinance to ban all topless 


jogging—by men as well as women. 

For too long have these cunning male- 
factors toyed with the sensibilities of 
decent but helpless residents, vitiating 
their morals, safety and peace of mind. 
The problem, as any card-carrying blu 


nose will confirm, is that this obscene 
sweat-drenched, 


hirsute 
ninals—their 


flaunting of 
chests by unpardonable с 


ed to the elements like so many 
primal bcast—could cause the fair 
maidens of Palm Beach to either faint 


straightaway in shock or be induced into 
lives of sin. 


“The issue is really 
quite simple: Women are 
the ones punished for 


Sex; men are not.” 


‘The town council deserves kudos for 
its persistence in passing a law that 
twice has been declared unconstitution- 
al. Home rule evidently takes precedence 
over so-called freedoms granted in the 
dim mists of history and certain na- 
tional documents. 

A straight-faced editorial response in 
the Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel states: 


We fear the town council has not 
gone far enough. The ordinance 
only affects those over 14, which 


is blatant age discrimination. A 


loophole in the statute allows top- 
lessness on or within 150 feet of the 
beach. Evil is evil, wherever it rears 
its ugly chest. 

Critics who look on this ordinance 
as a violation of human freedom 
and constitutional rights or a petty, 
foolish Big Brother-style attempt 
to mandate good taste are simply 
overlooking the necessity for nosy, 
snooty people to exercise their right 
to meddle in other people's lives 


The ordinance also offers the town 
council the opportunity to divert police 
attention and tax dollars from such triv- 
ial matters as murder, rape, robbery, 
burglary. mugging and drug smuggling 
and to concentrate on the real threat to 
public morality—hairy chests. 

W. B. Thompson 
Charleston, South Carolina 


THE ABORTION DEBATE 

It seems very likely that whether or 
not an anti-abortion amendment passes, 
women will not return to a Fifties model 
of femininity, will not stay home con- 
tent to bear and rear children and will 
not give up their rights and the discov- 
ery of the pleasure of self-fulfillment 
through other forms of wor 

I belieye women will become radical- 
ized if such a law is passed. After all, for 
the past eight years, they have had access 
to legal abortions and have learned that 
they can be in control, not someone else. 
Does the Government imagine that that 
ht can be taken away without reper- 
cussions? Evidently, it doesn't care one 
way or the other. 

The abortion question is being pur- 
sued with a fervor that is reminiscent of 
the days when a woman was severely 
punished for the crime of adultery. 
Then, as now, the man bore no mark 
upon his character and paid no penalty 
for following his sexual instincts 

‘The issue is really quite simple: Wom- 
en are the ones punished for sex; men 
are not. 


Claudia King 


Santa Monica, California 


Id like to respond to the woman 
from Omaha who naively chides 
PLAYBOY for inadequately promoting 
contraception as an alternative to abor- 
tion (The Playboy Forum, March). Ap- 
parently, she's not a consistent reader 
of your magazine, and your response was 
both patient and instructive. 

Over the years, a number of my close 


59 


PLAYBOY 


60 


friends have had to resort to abortion 
because they were financially or emo- 
tionally unable to raise a child. How 
well I remember some of my college 
friends who had to travel to California 
because abortion was still a crime where 
we lived. I cried with some of them but 
also breathed a sigh of relief with them 
when it was all over. As PLAYBOY points 
out, there is such a thing as contracep- 
tive failure. 

Legal abortion is essential to the well- 
being of thousands of women each 
year—both physically and emotionally. 
Tt is essential to the parents of a young 
girl who is not idy for and doesn’t 
want marriage and motherhood and 
who has her whole life ahead of her. 
It is essential to children who are born 
that they be wanted and loved. 

Fortunately, I never had to make a 
personal decision on abortion. In fact, 
1 am looking forward to becoming preg- 
nant, because I now have a college de- 
gree and several years of professional 
work behind me and I have a loving 
husband with whom to share my baby. 
І want to thank rLAYBov for con- 
tinuing support of legal abortion, the 
Equal Rights Amendment, individual 
freedom in general and causes that are 
truly humane and not merely pious 
rhetoric. 


Mrs. D. B. Rose. 
Nashville, Tennessee 


Please advise the well-meaning lady 
from Omaha that she is full of shit. I 
myself cannot use the pill because of a 
heart condition. I cannot use the 1.U.D. 
on my doctor's orders because of a tend- 
ency toward infection. I am thus left with 
diaphragms, condoms and foams, all of 
which I detest, or the so-called rhythm 
method, which is le better than no 
method at all. И I do become pregnant, 
I don't want some nitwit moralist telling 
me I must bear a baby I don't want and 
cannot afford. Lady from Omaha, kindly 
do not restrict my life any more than it 
already is. 1 am not yet ready for 
abstinence! 


(Name withheld by request) 

Bothell, Washington 

You've reached the heart of the 

The fundamental difference between a 

prolifer and a prochoicer is that the 

former truly believes that people who 

don’t want babies should not be screw- 
ing. The rest is all intellectualizing. 


While the budget cuts and military in- 
tervention in El Salvador have been grab- 
bing headlines, anti-abortionists have 
been taking over key positions in the 
Reagan Administration. 

Dr. C. Everett Koop is said to be 
line for the post of Surgeon General. A 
fundamentalist Christian, Dr. Koop has 
been a board member of both the Na- 
tional Rightto-Life Committee and 


FORUM NEWSFRONT 


what’s happening in the sexual and social arenas 


HEADS, YOU WIN 

cincinnati—The U.S. Sixth Circuit 
Court of Appeals has finally handed 
down a landmark decision that may 
scuttle the Drug Enforcement Adminis- 
tration’s model law for combating the 
sale of drug paraphernalia. In a unani- 
mous ruling, the court held three Ohio 
anti-head-shop ordinances unconstitu- 
tional for vagueness, interfering with 
innocent conduct and infringing on 
free speech. The model law was con- 
sidered the most carefully written of its 
hind and has been adopted by many 
municipalities throughout the country. 


Almost simultaneously, the Seventh 
Circuit U.S. Appellate Court struck 
down a local ordinance in Hoffman 
Estates, Illinois, that attempted. to re- 
strict the sale of drug paraphernalia by 
setting up complex licensing and regis- 
tration requirements for head shops, 
employees and even customers. The 
court found the law not only vague but 
inviting selective enforcement by police 
for the purpose of harassment. 

In Utah, meanwhile, state representa- 
tive Robert Sykes urged the outlawing 
of bongs, pipes and other parapherna- 
lia because “some of these devices are 
made in the shape of sexual organs and 
are designed to encourage or condone 
oral sex.” 


COKE FLAP 
SPRINGFIELD,  iLLINOIS—S!ale and 
Federal law-enforcement officials have 
strongly criticized a unanimous Illinois 
appellate-court ruling that found co 
caine wrongly classified as a narcotic 


drug and recommended lowering pen- 
alties for its possession. The drug 
police agreed that coke was not a nar- 
colic by strict definition because it was 
not an opium derivative and nol phys- 
ically addictive, but argued that the 
relatively low abuse rale of the drug 
was only because it was so expensive. 
A Chicago police spokesman said, 
“Now actors, athletes and other 
wealthy people are getting arrested for 
possession of cocaine. Some people are 
saying we should lower the penalties 
so that the rich people's children don't 
have to go to jail.” 


SEX SAFETY 

SAN FRANCISCO—The idea of the city 
coroner's holding workshops on “S & M 
Safely” has drawn criticism from several 
quarters and caused the coroner's of- 
fice some embarrassment. The work 
shops were coroner Boyd Stephen's 
response 10 an increasing number of 
accidental deaths resulting from sado- 
masochistic sexual acts among members 
of the San Francisco homosexual com- 
munity. The coroner decided “that 
instead of making value judgments or 
ignoring the problem, we would try to 
save lives.” Although the meetings are 
privately held at no expense to the 
city, the concept has been attacked as 
condoning perversity. 


CLAP VACCINE 

WASHINGTON, D.C— Researchers at 
Walter Reed Army Medical Genter and 
the University of Pittsburgh have made 
further progress toward the develop- 
ment of an antigonorrhea vaccine. 
Stressing that the vaccine is still under- 
going tesis, the doctors said that 80 
male and female volunteers who re- 
ceived the shots subsequently devel- 
oped the desired immune response. The 
researchers said the vaccine could help 
solve the increasing problem of peni- 
cillin-resistant strains of the gonococci 
bacteria that are difficult to treat with 
present antibiotics. 


DOPE DETECTOR 

LOS ANGELES—Scientisls at UCLA re- 
port that they've developed a kind of 
Breathalyzer that will detect marijuana 
use. The device was introduced at a 
mecting of The American Academy of 
Forensic Sciences and consists of a tube 
that contains a kind of filter that ex- 
tracts the THC from the breath of 
motorists for later analysis. 


RAPE AND RACE 

PHOENIX—State representative Jim 
Ratliff, a staunch opponent of legal 
abortion, came under fire for allowing 
as how he might make an exception if 
a white woman were raped by a black 
man. He then made things worse by 
telling a vadio-station. interviewer that 
he would not approve of an abortion if 
the woman were black and the rapist 
white. Asked to explain the difference 
between a black rapist and a white 
rapist, he responded, “Il makes a hellu- 
va lot of difference.” Asked to elabo- 
zale, he said, “Because it does.” Asked 
if he thought he was a bigot, he said, 
“No, I don't think so. I don't think a 
young girl should carry the child of a 
colored fellow after rape.” When his 
remarks caused a flap, Ratliff publicly 
apologized and said his comments were 
“callous and insensitive.” 


EVERYBODY RELAX 

SAN ANTonIO—Alihough a court in- 
junction has been lifted to permit 
publication, a San Antonio newspaper 
has decided that it won't, after all, 
print the names of some 3000 cilizens 
who allegedly patronized a notorious 
local brothel. The editors of the 
monthly El Pueblo said they had come 
into possession of the brothel’s “trick 
list,” seized by police during a raid, 
and that it included influential San 
Antonio businessmen,  school-board 
members and even some judges. A 
state court issued a temporary restrain- 
ing order that was later voided by a 
Federal district judge. The paper print 
ed 19 names in one issue but then 


announced, “There is no further bene- 
fit to the community by our publishing 
any more names. . . . We wanted the 
people of San Antonio to sce for them- 
selves in a concrete way how wealthy 
and influential men can break laws, 


behave immorally and irresponsibly 
and get away with it, [while] poor 
people who commit the same viola- 
lions are severely punished. We be- 
lieve that our actions during the past 
two wecks have accomplished this goal 
and that we have made the point that 
we wanted to make.” It added that 
the one issue containing the 19 names 
“sold like hot cakes.” 


KEEPING IT CLEAN 

DAVENPORT, lowA—Afler an increas- 
ing number of complaints that some 
prostitutes were robbing their custom- 
ers, city police have asked local hook- 
ers to help them catch the women who 
are giving their profession a bad name. 
An officer explained that the police 
won't stop arresting honest prostitutes 
as the occasion arises, but that the 
professionals probably will decide it’s in 
their best interest to put the dishonest 
hookers out of business and thereby 
lessen the need for a gencral crackdown. 


WAGES OF SIN 

sr. Louis—The Missouri Court of 
Appeal has held that a divorced hus 
band is entitled to $25,000 from the 
estate of a deceased man with whom his 
former wife had committed adultery. 
The award was made by a jury in 1978 
and later challenged by the defendant's 
estate following his death. In upholding 
the award, the appellate court said the 
trial judge correctly decided that the 
deceased man’s admission of the adul- 
tery was sufficient to make him liable 
under state law and that the amount of 
damages was not excessive. The court 
held: “The wrongful invasion of a hus- 
band's marital rights has no precise 
market value and its valuation is a 
matier about which reasonable persons 
may and do differ.” 


AIR POLLUTION 

cIncinnatI—The owners of radio 
station WAIF-FM and опе of its an- 
nouncers who presented a program for 
homosexuals have been charged with 
disseminating material harmful to mi- 
nors. The legal action occurred after 
a suburban Cincinnati couple com- 
plained to the county prosecutor about 
a 90-minute program that included dis- 
cussions of lubricants and devices for 
use during sexual intercourse. Accord- 
ing to the complaint, the suburban 
couple’s children taped the broadcast, 
in which the announcer read excerpts 
from a New York homosexual maga- 
zine. The nonprofit, all-volunteer sta- 
lion, which specializes in offbeat 
programing and music ranging from ex- 
perimental to ethnic, is being defended 
by the American Civil Liberties Union. 


POPULAR PENALTY 

A Gallup Poll has found that public 
support for capital punishment has 
reached its highest point in 28 years 
and the pollsters speculate that that 
represents a general sense of frustration 
over the rise in violent crime. Accord- 
ing lo the survey, two out of three 
Americans now favor execution of mur- 
derers, compared with 49 percent in 
1971 and 42 percent in 1966. The pre- 
vious high in death-penalty support 
occurred in 1953, when 68 percent fa- 
vored the execution of murderers. 


PRO-CHOICE 

OKLAHOMA GITY—Stale representa- 
tive Frank Shurden has introduced leg- 
islation that would allow | death-row 
inmates to either choose execution by 
drug injection or die the same way 
they killed their victims. Noting that 
several prisoners have challenged Okla- 
homa's death-by-injection law, Shurden 
said, “If an inmate thinks drug injec- 
tions are a little too rough on him... 
if an inmate wants to be clubbed to 
death or stabbed to death, let's give 
him a choice.” Shurden also has rein- 
troduced a bill to allow sex offenders 
the option of voluntary castration and 
possible carly parole. 


TICK PICKER CAPTURED 

GREAT FALLS, MONTANA—Police have 
arrested а 35-year-old man whom they 
believe to be the town’s infamous and 
clusive “lick picker.” The suspect al- 
legedly approached several dozen wom- 
en in their homes, asking to inspect 
their heads for parasites. Some told him 
to leave and he did, but others allowed 
him to go through their hair picking 
imaginary licks, 


61 


PLAYBOY 


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Get fast relief and kill Jock Itch fungus —with Cruex. 
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© EPen Corporation 1980. 


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Americans United for Life. Might as 
well appoint a witch doctor. 

Marjory Mecklenburg, president of 
American Citizens Concerned for Life, 
will be named head of the Office of 
Adolescent Pregnancy Programs, which 
gives grants to help pregnant teenagers. 
Now we can call it the Office of Manda- 
tory Motherhood. 

Health and Human es Secretary 
Richard Schweiker is a longtime sup- 
porter of a constitutional amendment 
prohibiting abortion and has said he 
will work for such an amendment in his 
present post. Wonderful. Now Health 


BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND 

In September 1978, PLAYBOY pub- 
lished a comprehensive three-page 
foldout color chart on “Major Drugs: 
Their Uses and Effects,” plus a sup- 
porting article elaborating on certain 
aspects of the drug-use issue. Requests 
from readers, schools, organizations 
and law-enforcement agencies have 
inspired the Playboy Foundation to 
reissue the chart at the modest price 
of 25 cents each or 25 for five dollars, 
postpaid. The drug chart may be or- 
dered directly from The Playboy 
Foundation, 919 North Michigan 
Avenue, Chicago, Illinois 60611 
Make checks or money orders payable 
to Playboy Enterprises, Inc. 


and Human Services becomes the Na- 
tional Fetus Lobby. 

At least everybody knows what to do 
with unwanted children now. Pack them 
carefully and mail them to the White 
House, Washington, D.C. 

(Name withheld by request) 
Fairfax, Virginia 

For a report on the fetus forces in 
Washington, see Peter Ross Капаев “Il 
legalizing Abortion,” on page 24. 


ZAPPED BY ZEALOTS 

Judging from newspaper articles in 
the past few weeks and from my own 
personal experiences, 1 can only believe 
that the United States is in for its 
biggest trouble since the Civil War. 
With the new moralists on the right and 
other crazies on the left, I feel like one 
of the doomed Six Hundred, riding into 
the Valley of Death. Or maybe I'm get- 
ting the Bible and the famous poem 
confused. Like I am. 

I didn't realize how much influence 
the self-prodaimed religious messiahs 
had until I was approached by several 
members of one of those groups and was 
told to remove the “pornographic mate- 
rial” from the magazine rack in my 
store. Of course, I refused. I carry only 
PLAYBOY and a couple of other national 
men’s magazines, and those are displayed 
so only the titles show. Nevertheless, I 
was advised that I was doing the work 


Radar Clairvoyance 


Nobody expects a radar detector like this 


Crairvoyance is the ability to perceive matters beyond 
the range of ordinary perception. In this case: radar. 
The perception of ordinary radar detectors is frustrated. 
by hills, blind corners, and roadside obstructions. What 
is offered here is very different the ESCORT" radar 
warning receiver 


More than the basics 

Any self-respecting radar detector covers the basics, 
and ESCORT is no exception. It picks up both X and K 
bands (10.525 and 24 150CHz) and has aural and visual 
alarms. It conveniently powers itself from your cigar 
lighter socket, has a power-on indicator, and mounts 
with either the included hook and loop fastener or the 
accessory visor clip. ESCORT s simple good looks and 
inconspicuous size (1.5Н x 5.25W x 5D) make ils 
installation easy, flexible, and attractive. But this is 
just the beginning. 


The first difference— Unexpected range 

ESCORT has a sixth sense for габаг. That's good 
because radar situations vary tremendously. On the 
average, though, ESCORT can provide 3 to 5 times the 
range of ordinary detectors, To illustrate the importance 
of this difference, imagine а radar trap set up %4 mile 
beyond the crest of a hill. A conventional detector 
would give warning barely before the crest; scant sec- 
onds before appearing in full range of the radar. In this 
example, a 3 times increase in range improves the 
margin to 30 seconds before the crest. For this kind 
of precognition, ESCORT must have 100 times as much 
sensitivity as the absolute best conventional units have. 
What makes this possible is, in a word, superheterodyre. 


The technology 

Thesuperheterodyne technique was invented in 1918 
by Signal Corps Capt. Edwin H. Armstrong. This circuit 
is the basis of just about every radio, television, and 
radar set in the world today. ESCORT is the first 
successful application of this method to the field of 
police radar detection. The key to this development is 
ESCORT 's proprietary Varactor-Tuned Gunn Oscillator. 
It continuously searches for incoming signals and com- 
pares them to an internal reference. Only signals that 
match the radar frequencies are allowed to pass. This 
weeding-out process enables ESCORT to concentrate 
only on the signals that count. As a bonus, it takes 
only milliseconds; quick enough to catch any pulsed 
radar. The net result is vastly better range and fewer 
false alarms. 


The second difference 
All this performance makes things interesting. When 


a conventional detector sounds off, you know that radar 
is close at hand. However, a delector with ESCORT's 
range might find radar 10 miles away on the prairies. 
In the mountains, on the other hand, ESCORT can be 
Imited to less than }5 mile warning. Equipped with 
conventional light and noise alarms, you wouldn't know 
whether the radar was a few seconds or 10 minutes 
from greeting you. The solution to this dilemma is 
ESCORT s unique signal strength indicating system. It 
consists of a soothing, variable rate beep that reacts 
to radar like a Geiger counter and an illuminated meter 
for fine definition. Its smooth and precise action relates 
signal strength clearly over a wide range. With a little 
Practice, you can judge distance from its readings. An 
abrupt, strong reading tells you that a nearby radar has 
just been switched on; something other detectors leave 
you guessing about. 


Nice extras 

ESCORT has a few extras that make owning it even 
more special. The audible warning has a volume control 
you can adjust to your liking. It also sounds different 
depending on which radar band is being received. K 
band doesn’t travel as far so its sound is more urgent 
The alert lamp is photoelectrically dimmed after dark 
so it doesn't interfere with your night vision. And a 
unique city/highway switch adjusts X band sensitivity 
for fewer distractions from radar burglar alarms that 
share the police frequency. 


Factory direct 

Another nice thing about owning an ESCORT is that 
you deal directly with the factory. You get the advantage 
of speaking with the most knowledgeable experts avail- 
able and saving both of us money at the same time. 
Further, in the unlikely event that your ESCORT ever 
needs repair, our service professionals are at your 
personal disposal. Everything you need is only a phone 
call or parcel delivery away. 


Second opinions 

CAR and DRIVER. ..""Ranked according to performance, 
the ESCORT is first choice... -it looks like precision 
equipment, has à convenient visor mount, and has the 
most informative warning system of any unit on the 
market... the ESCORT boasts the most careful and 
clever planning, the most pleasing packaging, and the 
Most solid construction of the lot; 

BMWCCA ROUNOEL ...""The volume control has a 
‘silky’ feel to it; in fact the entire unit does. If you 
want the best, this is it. There is nothing else like it” 

PLAYBOY..." ESCORT radar detectors ... (are) 


generally acknowledged to be the finest, most sensi- 
tive, most uncompromising effort at high technology in 
the field” 

PENTHOUSE..."ESCORT' performance stood out 
like an F-15 in a covey of Sabrejets:" 

AUTOWEEK.. "The ESCORT detector from Cincinnati 
Microwave...is still the most sensitive, versatile 
detector of the lot" 


No fooling 

Now you know all about ESCORT. What about 
Cincinnati Microwave? When it comes to reliability. we 
don't fool around. ESCORT comes with a full one year 
limited warranty on both parts and labor. This could 
turn out to be expensive for the factory if many units 
fail in the field. They don't. So it isn't. We aren't kidding 
about ESCORT 's performance either. And to prove it to 
you, we'll give you 30 days to test it for yourself, Buy 
an ESCORT and use it on your roads in your area. If 
you're not completely satisfied, send it back within 30 
days and we will refund your purchase as well as pay 
for your postage costs to return it. No obligation, 


How to order—it's easy 
To order, nothing could be simpler. Just send 
five things to the the address below. Your name 
and address. How mary ESCORTs and Visor 
Clips you want. Any special shipping instruc- 
tions. Your phone number. And a check. 


Visa and Mastercard buyers may substitute 
their credit card number and expiration date for 
the check. Or call us toll free and save the trip 
to the mail box. Order today. 


CALL TOLL FREE. 
IN OHIO CALL. 


ESCORT 


| VISA 


800-543-1608 
-513-772-3700 


J зд: $245.00 
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Visor Clip ES Е .$7.00 

(0:39 Ohio res. fax) 

$79 CINCINNATI 

ТӘ MICROWAVE 
® Department 307 


255 Northland Boulevard 
Cincinnati, Ohio 45246 


PLAYBOY 


of Satan and that if I didn't remove 
those publications, I would lose all my 
Christian business. Since then, I have 
been confronted daily with verbal as- 
saults from people I've never seen before 
who come in and threaten to take their 
business elsewhere. 

Fine! Do it! But where do those 
people get off telling me how I should 
run my own business or telling my cus- 
tomers what they can or cannot read? I 
don't want to cave in to the pressures, 
but I can tell you it's not easy defend- 
ing this country's principle of freedom 
of choice now that the crackpots are 
organized in opposition to it. 

(Name withheld by request) 
Phoenix, Arizona 


HARD TIMES 

It's happening sooner than I thought. 
Already there is new military adventur- 
ism backed up by a garrison mentality i 
this country, with proposals for renewed 
Government spying on private citizens 
and suppression of dissent. With the 
enormous expenditures the new Admin- 
istration proposes for what it euphemis- 
tically calls defense, there will be little 
left over to ease economic inequities and 
hardships among our people. And if that 
leads to urban disorders, our new con- 
servative rulers will doubtless seek a mili 
tary solution in our own cities, as well as 
abroad. The types now in charge would 
rather spend money on armored per- 
sonnel carriers for cops than on job 


training for disadvantaged youths. Social 
policy will be equally enlightened. Legis- 
lators will put more limitations than 
ever on personal freedom. Frightened by 
the Moral Majority, even the liberals 
will go along. Greater freedom, on the 
other hand, will be granted to big cor- 
porations—freedom to pollute, to mar- 
ket unsafe products, to jack up prices, 
to gobble up competition. Regulatory 
agencies such as the Environmental Pro- 
tection Agency and the Federal Trade 
Commission will be shut down. There 
will be one exception, the Federal Com- 
munications Commission, which will be 
encouraged to go after radio stations 
that play sexy music. A Federal judiciary 
packed, as the Republican platform last 


Last February, we reported the cele- 
brated case of the “Wauwatosa 
Lovers? a young Wisconsin couple 
convicted of having sex while spend- 
ing the night in the vacant house 
they'd been hired by a friend to paint 
Milwaukee newsman Doug Rossi 
now puts that incident in proper 
local perspective. 

The Playboy Casebook feature on 
Wauwatosa's infamous  fornicators 
brought back some fond memories, 
because I was the Milwaukee Journal 
reporter who dug up that story of 
local blockheadednes. The funda- 
mental issue, as PLAYBOY pointed out, 
was the continuing existence and se- 
lective enforcement of Wisconsin sex 
laws that make sexual intercourse 
between unmarried persons a crimi- 
nal offense. But the Wauwatosa 
case also raises the equally important 
isue of what constitutes reasonable 
police behavior. That arrest was not, 
in fact. an isolated instance of the 
police stumbling onto a “crime in 
progress” and merely doing their 
duty. The officer who caught those 
two desperadoes in the act (policus 
interruptus) made some 15 similar ar- 
rests that summer while patrolling 
the local lovers’ lanes. Convictions 
were on various charges ranging 
from lewd and lascivious behavior to 
indecent exposure and simple dis- 
orderly conduct. 

The police officer who made all 
those arrests is a 25-year veteran of 
the Wauwatosa Police Department, 
Sergeant Byron Naegel, who ap- 
parently is the local specialist. 1 
learned of his unusual arrest record 
while routinely checking the munici- 
pal court docket. I kept finding “lewd 
& lascivious” busts, always by Sergeant 
Naegel, and asked the court clerk 
about that. “Yeah,” the clerk told 


WAUWATOSA R 


me, “they let ol’ Green Knees loose 
again.” I investigated further and 
discovered the reason for Naegel's 
nickname. Except for an occasional 
traffic ticket, "L & Ls" were the only 
arrests that he ever made. Creeping 
up on couples in parked cars would 
cause grass stains on his pants is the 
way the joke translates. 

The more I looked into the joke, 
the less it was funny. During a single 
court session, this officer put together 
a string of seven convictions for 
L & L. Among his victims were a 
couple in their mid-40s, both married 
but not to each other, who had their 
romance interrupted when 
Naegel slipped up on their blind 
side. They had been necking in a car 
parked on a residential street, and I 
would like to quote from the arrest 
record, changing the names but not 
the grammar: 


Fred was fully clothed and his 
zipper was open and his shorts 
was pulled down, exposing his 
penis, Jane was fully clothed and 
bent over Fred with her right 
hand on Fred's penis, moving it 
in a up down motion and at 
the same time she had a small 
tube the size of a lipstick rubbing 
the end on Fred's penis. . .. 


The same conscientious officer also 
secured the arrest and conviction of 
an 18-year-old hussy for indecent ex- 
posure and for contributing to the 
delinquency of a consenting 17-year- 
old minor (in violation of Wisconsin 
state law and municipal ordinance). 


EVISITED 


Wauwatosa police chief Roy Well- 
nitz has loyally defended Naegel de- 
spite numerous newspaper stories 
and PLAYROY's report on the "Wau- 
watosa Lovers.” He says, in so many 
words, "I don't tell my police officers 
what to do.” 

Other cops in Wauwatosa are 
more vocal, off the record: "We've 
been complaining about Green Knees 
for years. He's a real embarrassment 
to the department. Everybody's glad 
PLAYBOY picked up on the story. 
"They didn't put us down as a police 
deparument, and with the publicity 
maybe we can get this operation back 
into actual crime control What 
people care about are burglaries, 
muggings, rapes and holdups, not 
who's out there screwing, unless 
they're blocking traffic or something." 

A few months ago, Wauwatosa 
city attorney Harold Gehrke issued 
a directive to the effect that he would 
not prosecute any more fornication 
or lewd-and-lascivious cases unless 
something really terrible was going 
on. This evidently was inspired by the 
flap over the “Lovers” case and the 
local scuttlebutt that Naegel and a 
fellow officer were having a little con- 
test to see who could make the most 
sex arrests. 

Some ten years ago, the previous 
Wauwatosa chief of police told his 
officers, mainly Naegel, that he didn't 
want any more sex arrests until they'd 
cleared all the burglaries and rob- 
beries that were still on the books. 
Police chiefs come and go, and so 
do city attorneys. For now, Sergeant 
Naegel is writing parking tickets and 
patiently waiting. So are his past 
‘ims, whose arrests for sexual of- 
fenses are now part of the public 
record for anyone who cares to look. 

— DOUGLAS A. ROSSI 


year threatened, with right-to-lifers is 
certain to continue, as Nixon's appoint- 
ees did, solemnly making shambles of 
the Bill of Rights. Jimmy Carter can 
rejoice. As soon as "supply side" econom- 
ics fail, his brief term in office will look 
likc a golden age. 

D. Stevens 

Chicago, Illinois 

You sound very distressed. Take sev- 

eral deep breaths, do 20 push-ups and go 
for a walk. You'll feel better. 


IMMORAL MINORITY 

In reference to the letter from B. Wil- 
son in your April issue suggesting that 
if there’s a Moral Majority, there must 
also be an immoral minority, tell Wilson 
that we are alive and kicking and have 
a growing membership. 

Our first national project—a dynamic 
campaign to seduce the wives of M.M. 
politicians—suffered a setback in Virgin- 
ia when 14 wives of the M.M. set upon 
and raped three helpless members of our 
organization. An investigation is now 
under way to identify the culprits and 
to establish whether or not the sexual 
acts were consensual. These are the kinds 
of people we want in our organization. 

E. Miller 
Huntington, West Virginia 


Please advise B. Wilson: We are here! 
‘There is, in fact, an Immoral Minority. 
While the Moral Majority may have 
more money, it doesn't have nearly as 
much fun. 

(Name withheld by request) 
Glen Rock, New Jersey 


The Immoral Minority is alive and 
well and living in sin in a remote com- 
munity in south Texas. Don’t tell any- 
body where we are. 

(Name and address 
withheld by request) 


All I can add is from а wire-service 
story that describes an Olympia, Wash- 
ington, group calling themselves an Im- 
moral Minority who say they are being 
overwhelmed by joiners. 

Chester L. Blair 
Tulsa, Oklahoma 

The above letters are only a sample. 
We're getting correspondence, on print- 
ed letterheads, yet, from “Immoral Mi- 
nority" groups from all parts of the 
country. Some enclose buttons. Some 
send bumper stickers. Apparently, it's an 
idea whose time has come. 


PLANETARY PERIL 

God's planets, being forever in a state 
of change, will soon be in a position 
that occurs only once in several thou- 
sand years They will be in a straight 
line with Earth, and their combined 
gravitational influence will cause tidal 
waves, earthquakes, volcanic eruptions 
and other cataclysmic events. The North 


о. New York © 1981 


Fà 


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and South Poles may be affected, chang- 
ing their polarity. These events might, 
in fact, present great opportunities. The 
continent of Antarctica might be opened 
for settlement and exploration, resulting 
in important historical findings 
This information is vital to all who 
occupy the planet Earth. I am providing 
only sparse details of this documented 
astronomical event and would appreciate 
the complement of supplemental support 
from PLAYBOY's inexhaustible resources. 
(Name withheld by request) 
Austin, Texas 
Our inexhaustible Resource Depart- 
ment advises that rough planet align- 
ment, or syzygy, occurs about every 500 
years and is no big deal, but they will be 
happy to take the day off as a precau- 
tion, The department suggests that we 
follow the immortal words of the late, 
great bank robber John Dillinger: “Keep 
calm and lie down on the floor. 


BIG VS. LITTLE 

Its been ages since I've seen Playboy 
Forum readers debate the pros and cons 
of big and little penises. What hap- 
pened? How was the issue finally de- 
cided? Was it decided? I remember there 
scemed to be no consensus among your 
women readers, some of whom became 
rather adamant about big pricks and 
little pricks—referring sometimes to 
penises and sometimes to their owners. 
I'm reminded of that historic debate by 
the following notice that appeared mys- 
teriously on our office bulletin board 

in't stay there very long): 


WHY THE PENIS IS THE WAY IT IS 
- Jt has a head but no brain. 
. It lives with a couple of nuts. 
. Its closest neighbor is an asshole. 
4. Its best friend is a cunt. 


(Name withheld by request) 

Amherst, Massachusetts 
The Great Penis Debate got a bit out 
of hand, so to speak, and bogged down 
in low humor such as ours and yours 
(including complicated formulas for cal- 
culating linear penis travel during in- 
tercourse). We brought the matter to a 
ceremonial conclusion in our May 1979 
issue out of respect for Pope John Paul 
H's decision that month to uphold the 
celibacy rule for priests. Or was it to 
commemorate the victims of the first 
Elton John concert and youth riot at 
the Oktyabrsky Hall in Leningrad? We 
forget. You might say that the issue final- 
ly came to a head and we couldn't, in 

editorial good conscience, keep it up. 


“The Playboy Forum" offers the 
Opportunity for an extended dialog 
between readers and editors of this 
publication on contemporary issues. Ad- 
dress all correspondence to The Playboy 
Forum, Playboy Building, 919 North 
Michigan Avenue, Chicago, Illinois 60611. 


MORE PROTECTION FOR MEN. 
BECAUSE MEN PERSPIRE MORE. 


Introducing the first Right Guard" stick 
that fights wetness as well as odor. 
New Right Guard Solid Anti-Perspirant. Regular scent or unscented. 
It's another Right Guard answer to the fact that men perspire more. 
And that's what Right Guard's for. 


The Gillette Company, 1984 


PLAYBOY 


аз тгл 


D 
n 


i Ys WO QMOJ| 


It’s crystal-clear. 
It’s a bit more expensive, but fora crisp Gin & Tonic, 
the world comes to Gordon's? 


влпот туе ROBERT GARWOOD 


a candid conversation with the 


only american convicted of collaboration in 


the vietnam war, who, for the first time, discusses his 14 years of captivity 


In early 1979, six years after the North 
Vietnamese officially released the remain- 
ing American prisoners of war, the State 
Department received word from a Scan- 
dinavian economist who had recently 
visited Hanoi that he had seen and spo- 
ken with a man who had told him, “I 
am an American. Are you interested?” 
The economist, a Finnish banker, also 
produced а note nervously scribbled by 
a tall, dark-haired man who had given 
his name, rank and a Marine Corps 
serial number. 

The man was Private First Class Rob- 
ert Garwood, missing from his unit since 
1965 and, by most accounts, presumed 
dead. The note sparked an international 
diplomatic furor that resulted in the re- 
turn to American hands of a man the 
Marine Corps felt was perhaps ils most 
notorious turncoat of the Vietnam war. 

The accusations against Robert Gar- 
wood included leading Viet Cong troops 
in combat against American soldiers, 
propagandizing them with a bullhorn, 
verbally and physically abusing U.S. 
prisoners held by the enemy, desertion, 
writing antiwar leaflets and various other 
charges that, had he been convicted of 
the most serious of them, might have put 


“Something clicked in my mind that day 
in 1965, just instant fear. I thought, Oh 
shit. Something's wrong. It ain't what's 
supposed to be. These Vietnamese weren't 
smiling. They were very, very serious.” 


him before the firing squad. 

The man who two months later stepped 
off the plane and into the waiting hands 
of the Marine Corps was hardly every- 
one's idea of a typical traitor—if such a 
character exists. Gaunt and confused, 
Garwood, then turning 33 and slightly 
balding, faced microphones, television 
lights and flashing cameras and said with 
a noticeable Vietnamese accent, "I'm 
glad to be home.” 

Garwood was something of an enigma 
then, as he remains today—not only to 
those who have followed his internation- 
ally reported trial but to himself as well. 

One of the oldest in a family of nine 
children, Garwood grew up on what 
might be described as the wrong side of 
the tracks in a small Indiana town. As a 
youngster, he lived a fairly ordinary life 
playing the usual pranks but occasionally 
getting into trouble for them. He did not 
do well in school, except to show an apti- 
tude for foreign languages; but by the 
time he was 17, he was considered a 
problem child by his father, a printer, 
and was turned over to authorities. 
While he was living in a juvenile de- 
tention center, he encountered a Marine 
Corps recruiter who persuaded him to 


“TU tell you something. My heart, my 
soul burns, it aches. I’m more mature 
now, but still I cannot look at an Orien- 
tal without picturing myself trying to 
strangle or kill him.” 


enlist. That was in 1963, before the war 
in Vietnam had assumed major propor- 
tions for the United States. 

Garwood’s tour in the Marine Corps 
wasn’t exactly exemplary, but it wasn’t 
that bad, either. He was busted once for 
being absent without leave and wound 
up as a jeep driver with an outfit sta- 
tioned on Okinawa. Shortly before his 
tour of duty was up, he was shipped out 
to Da Nang, Vietnam, to join his divi- 
sion headquarters’ motor-pool section. 
It was there that Garwood disappeared 
one day, only a few days before he was 
due to be shipped back to the States and 
released from active duty. He says he was 
captured by Viet Cong troops while on 
assignment to pick up an officer in the 
field. The Marine Corps alleged that he 
had been absent without leave and sug- 
gested he had been visiting a whorehouse 
when he was taken prisoner. In any case, 
a few weeks after he was reported miss- 
ing, Viet Cong propaganda leaflets 
signed by Garwood began turning up. 
The Marine Corps still carried him on 
its books as missing and, although sever- 
al times over the years, as more informa- 
tion came in about him, it tried to have 
his status changed to that of deserter, 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY VERSER ENGELHARD 
“1 was completely cut off from the outside 
world and the years were just going by, 
and it seemed like there was no end. I 
was like some damned vegetable or tree. 
Every now and then, they'd water me.” 


69 


PLAYBOY 


70 


he was not officially charged with that 
crime until he was released by the North 
Vietnamese in 1979. 

The Marine Corps case against Gar- 
wood was a touchy and disagreeable 
matter from the beginning. Years after 
a war everyone would have preferred to 
forget, the Corps was faced with the 
prospect of court-martialing a man for 
events that had occurred a decade ear- 
lier. Furthermore, the general feeling 
among civilians who responded to news 
stories of Garwood's release seemed to 
be that he had “suffered enough” and 
should be left alone. 

On the other hand, there had been a 
lot of publicity about the case; and some 
of the allegations against Garwood— 
especially that he had carried arms for 
the enemy in a time of war—were so 
serious that the Corps was afraid of the 
precedent that might be set if he were 
simply let go. A board of inquiry was 
appointed by the commandant of the 
huge Marine base at Camp Lejeune, 
North Carolina, where Garwood had 
been assigned after his return. The wit- 
nesses who could be found were inter- 
viewed, and gradually a case was built 
against him. Many of the original accu- 
salions, however, were never substanti- 
ated—particularly the ones pertaining to 
Garwood's having led Viet Cong troops 
against American forces; and the charge 
of desertion was subsequently dismissed 
by the military judge at the trial. How- 
ever, the Marine Corps felt it had 
enough evidence to warrant a court- 
martial, based on testimony by former 
American POWs that Garwood had, over 
an 18anonth period ending in late 1969, 
collaborated with the enemy while he 
was in a POW camp deep in the jungles 
of Vietnam. 

The specific allegations were that Gar- 
wood had lived ouiside the compound 
where the other POWs were held, frater- 
nized with the North Vietnamese guards, 
propagandized the POWs, interpreted 
for the North Vietnamese, worn a North 
Vietnamese uniform, carried a weapon 
and guarded American POWs. At one 
point, he is supposed to have struck an 
American POW with his hand and told 
another, “I spit on you!” 

Garwood was eventually represented 
by John Lowe, an established trial attor- 
ney in Charlottesville, Virginia, and 
Vaughan Taylor, a former military law- 
yer. They decided not to attack the 
Government's prima-facie case against 
Garwood but to rely solely on the psy- 
chiatric defense of insanity brought on 
by the “coercive persuasion” (once called 
brainwashing) of his North Vietnamese 
captors. 

To prove their case at the court- 
martial, Lowe and Taylor put several 
well-known psychiatrists on the stand, 
each of whom testified that Garwood, be- 
cause of his traumatizing experience, 


lacked the capacity to realize that his 
collaboration with the Communists was 
wrong. But the Marine Corps prosecutors 
put on psychiatrists of their own to coun- 
ter that testimony and Garwood was con- 
victed on February 5, 1981, by a court 
of five officers of collaborating with the 
enemy and of assaulting a POW by hit- 
ting him with his hand. The other 
charges were dismissed. The sentence 
Garwood received was relatively light: a 
dishonorable discharge from the Marine 
Corps and forfeiture of his pay and 
allowances from the time of conviction. 
In dispute presently is the matter of 
more than $120,000 in back pay covering 
the If years Garwood spent in Vietnam, 
and a special military board has been 
sel up to adjudicate that maiter. 

Because he never took the witness 
stand at his trial, Garwood's version of 
his experience has never been told. To 
get this exclusive story of Garwood’s 14- 
year odyssey, PLAYBOY asked novelist 
Winston Groom (“Better Times Than 
These,” “As Summers Die”), who served 
as an Army officer in Vietnam, to con- 
duct the interview. Groom files these 
impressions: 


“T just wasn’t sure 
I could hold up. I didn't 
want to make a 
bectacle of myself, 


you know.” 
—— 


"I first met Bobby Garwood in the 
summer of 1979, a few months after he 
had been returned to America. It was an 
odd place for a meeting arranged by his 
lawyer at the Larchmont Yacht Club, а 
fancy establishment in a small commu- 
nity half an hour from New York City. 
The incongruity of the setting still 
strikes me: Here was a man who had 
spent almost all of his adult life under 
primal conditions in Southeast Asia, and 
he was walking around with me past the 
tennis courts and ritzy suburban trap- 
pings in one of New York's fashionable 
playgrounds. We had lunch on a terrace 
under the trees and ordered from a 
menu that included elaborate salads and 
Veal Piccata. Bobby ordered a cheese- 
burger. 

“He spoke then with a heavy Oriental 
accent, with a glottal diction in which 
the tongue is pressed against the roof of 
the mouth to form the variations of 
Vietnamese syllables. In our subsequent 
meetings, 1 have noticed that his speech 
patterns have become much more Amer- 
icanized—except when he is under stress, 
and then he returns to the Asian style. 


“We talked for several hours and then 
we walked under some trees because it 
was a hot day. He squatied down, Orien- 
tal style, and explained, ‘This position is 
very restful if you can get used to it.’ 

“I next met with him at Camp Lejeune, 
asprawling Marine Corps training center 
and, I might add, one of the most un- 
altractive military bases I have ever seen. 
It was in the spring of 1980 and we had 
some long sessions with the tape record- 
er. Bobby was still waiting for the court- 
martial to begin, and it was obvious the 
strain was taking its toll. In the inter- 
vening time since we had last met, he 
had been befriended by a local family— 
the Longs—and was heavily involved 
with them, A few months before, Dale 
Long had been killed by a drunken driv- 
er and Bobby was spending a lot of 
time with Donna and her children. He 
had also purchased an automobile—a. 
red 1957 Chevrolet—in which he had in- 
stalled a tape deck, with music straight 
out of the Fifties and early Sixties. 

“I interviewed Bobby again not long 
ago: The court-martial was over and he 
seemed more relaxed and relieved. He is 
currently undergoing psychiatric care at 
a Virginia institution and trying to 
figure out what to do with the rest of 
his life.” 


PLAYBOY: What was your reaction to 
the verdict in your court-martial? 
GARWOOD: Well, basically. 1 guess 1 was 
relieved that it was over. Sixteen y: 
of fighting for your life, you 
PLAYBOY: At the trial, you had to listen 
to the testimony of the witnesses against 
you. Didn't you have an urge to get on 
the stand yourself to tell your side of 
the story? 

GARWOOD: Yes, I did. I had the urge, 
but at the same time, I just wasn’t sure 
I could come across right. 

PLAYBOY: Were you following the advice 
of your lawyers in not testifying? 
GARWOOD: No, not entirely. It was 
mostly my decision; those were times 
that are not easy to talk about. I just 
wasn't sure I could hold up. I didn't 
want to make a spectacle of myself, you 
know, or break down emotionally, or 
physically, or whatever, on the stand. 
Trying to recall those years, the ques- 
tions that could be fired at me—it was 
just too many bad memories for me. 
PLAYBOY: You hadn't seen the witnesses— 
your fellow prisoners—in 13 or 14 
years, since you had been in Vietnam 
together. What was your reaction to 
seeing them again? 

GARWOOD: Actually, a lot of compassion. 
I was very happy to see them, because 
one of the things that ran through my 
mind all those years was, How many 
of us made it out? I was very saddened 
that a lot of my good friends didn't 
make it out. I felt a lot of compassion 
toward those who did survive like me, 


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first acquaintance with 
that hearty brew, and 
now its cool, rich taste 
brought welcome re- 
freshment: 

“This is your appoint- 
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captain said with a cer- 
tain gravity. 

With the magic word 
“Command” in my head 
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necessary. He caught me v 
at my word with great  / 
readiness. There was a * < 
steamerleavingforBang- АЎ 
kok that evening and he 
had already requested) 
her captain to give me 
passage. 

Then lie rose from п d 
office chair,and looked f 
me squarely in the € E d 
He raised his mug of $ 
Miguel toward me, and 
lifted mine to meet my 
It was a moment to E 
vour, and l embraced it 
wholeheartedly with a 
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they were just forced to relive the whole 
thing all over again. And that's very 
hard, very hard to do. 

PLAYBOY: Do you think they understood 


your situation when you were over 
there? 

GARWOOD: No, not entirely. | don't 
think they even understood their own 


situation. 
PLAYBOY: What about the court? 
nk the officers were t 


Do you 
in their 


теш? 
GARWOOD: | asked myself 
times. D try ю put 


place, though it’s difficult, because of, 
well, their intelligence, thei ckground, 
their schooling—but just as a layn 
or, you know, a Marine, I think they 
had to weigh their sympathy and com- 
passion against their professional re- 
sponsibility. 1 think it was a very tough 
decision lor them to make. But because 
they were career officers and Mari 
even though they had sympathy 
compassion for me, there was 
way that they could neglect 


St 


pro- 


responsibilities. And knowing 


t was much easier for 


me to ac- 
cept. 

PLAYBOY: Now that the cou 
is over, you're undergoing psychiatric 
care le. Do you feel that you 
need it? 

GARWOOD: Definitely so. Yes. 

PLAYBOY: Wh: 
GARWOOD: I find it very hard to adapt 
nd communicate with the world now. 
"5 been true in the last couple of 
years. 1 tend to lock myself out from 
the world. There are times when I've 
been places or l've said things or done 
things that 1 don't remember, It just 
makes me realize more and more that 
m just not as well as I thought маз. 1 
don't have a life now, really. That's one 
of the biggest bridges I have to cross— 
getting psychiatric help to find out who 1 
nd just what I can do with my life. 
PLAYBOY: As an accused collaborator, 
did you encounter a lot of hostility 
during these past two ycars? 

САМООР: You say "a low” 
PLAYBOY: Some? 
Garwoop: The mail. for example—l'd 
y close to 90 percent of the m 


for a wl 


no. 


very sympathetic and supp 
from doctors, lawyers, preachers, Vietnam 
¢x-POWs—I mean, every walk of 
the United States. The only ones 
J got that you'd call bad mail were from 
people who didn't really condemn me, 
but they said they felt I could have been 
stronger than I was. 
PLAYBOY: When you returned, it must 
have been something like Rip van V 
kle. What was your reaction? How had 
America changed in 14 years? 
GARWOOD: It shocked me. It shocked the 
shit out of me. 
PLAYBOY: What in р 


GARWOOD: Everything, almost. Every- 
thing seemed so alien to me: the dr 


the speech—the frankne: 
lly. Back 15, 20 years ago, a person 
speaking to another guarded his speech 
so no four-letter words came out. It was 
more like an etiquette kind of thi! 
you were more careful about that then 
And the attitude about what you'd show. 
it was limited, so to speak. And now 
it's—I don't know how to say it, but I 
noticed that there is а lack of caution. 
In things like dressing —dressing and 
specch, and in 
little things. 1 don't think you'd notice 
them as much as I have. 

PLAYBOY: Such as? 

GARWOOD: Well, one of the ngs 
that freaked me out, the first thing I 
focused on, was the girls. Their h; 
you know, it wasn't taken care of like it 
was way back then. I mean, it looks like 
somebody stuck their finger in a light 
socket. And all the girls are in pants. 
There aren't dresses. 

At first, it was a real hassle. You real- 
ly had to look very close to distinguish 
between a man and a woman. And 
usually the only way you could tell that 
was by the . . . bust. Or the way they 
. And sometimes even by the 
valked you couldn't tell. Yeah. 
That was really weird to me. 

PLAYBOY: Who was the first female, aside 
from family, whom you talked with 


of speech 


when you came back? Even a casual en- 
counter. 
GARWOOD: Casual encounter? When 1 


went to the hospital. Yeah, that was the 
hospital at Great Lakes Naval Station. 
PLAYBOY: Nurses? 

GARWOOD: Yeah, nurses. Actually, later E 
dated one of the nurses that took care 
of me. She came to my home town and 
dated me. She was the first American 
girl I dated 

PLAYBOY. How long had it been since 
you'd seen a Caucasian woman? 
GARWOOD: Since North Vietnam. 
PLAYBOY: We're asking about this be 
cause about a ycar ago, while you were 
waiting for your court-martial to begin, 
you were charged by the state of North 
Carolina with molesting a seven-year-old 
The incident took place, accord- 
ing to reports, when you were driv 
the girl home from church, We realize 
that the case has not yet been resolved, 
but what can you tell us about it? 
GARWOOD: | can't say much, because my 
lawyers don’t want me to comment be- 
fore it’s seuled. But I can say this: There 
was never any misconduct by me toward 
the girl. I had known her family for four 
or five months before the charges were 
made. And right up until they made 
those charges against me, her father was 
scheduled to be a character witness for 
me in my court-martial trial. I'm one of 
the oldest in a family of nine myself, 
and I've always been very protective of 


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72 


young children. I don't have any idea 
why she would make those untrue alle- 
gations against me. 

PLAYBOY: And that's all you can say? 
GARWOOD: At this timc. 

PLAYBOY: Your life has obviously been 
chaotic since you returned; did you 
know you were going to be accused of 
collaboration when you came back to 
the U. 5.2 

GARWOOD: You talking about before I 
left Vietnam? Before I left Vietnam, no, 
Ihad no awareness at all. 

PLAYBOY: When did you realize you were 
in trouble with the U. S. military? 
GARWOOD: When they read me Article 
31. In Bangkok. Instead of receiving a 
handshake or a "Welcome home," im- 
mediately it was Article 31, and I “had 
the right to remain silent" and all that. 
And 1 said, “Wait a minute, what thc 
hell's going on?" I had arrived in Bang- 
kok on the Air France plane. It w: 
funny, you see, because when the Air 
France plane picked me up in Saigon, 
the French people, they really welcomed 
me—God, I mean, it was something. 
They really welcomed me, with cham- 
pagne and the whole bit. 

PLAYBOY: This was the crew of the Air 
France planc? 

GARWOOD: Yeah, the French crew. And 
І really felt free. I'd fought for so long, 
and the day had actually come, and still 
I couldn't believe it. Believe me, it was 
a great sharing. Then we landed in 
Bangkok and the U.S. Ambassador 
ame on the plane, and introduced him- 
self, and told me that I had to come 
with him, and there was the guys with. 
military security and the reporters and 
everything. I more or less expected the 
reporters to make a big thing out of it— 
that I spent 14 years in Vietnam and 
got back, that I was probably unique 
and all that. 

PLAYBOY: What was your rcaction when 
they read you your rights the first time? 
GARWOOD: At that time, I had no law- 
yer. or at lcast I didn't know I had one. 
Actually, there was a Marine lawyer 
there, but I didn't understand that. But 
the charges—it shocked hell out of me. 
'oddamn. It was kind of a deep emo- 
tional thing. I was shocked апе then 1 
figured, Oh, well, maybe it's just like a 
security precaution. Hell, they don't 
- Maybe they think I was brain- 
washed or some shit and theyre just 
being careful. And then I was just so 
goddamned happy to be out of that 
country. I guess the overwhelming hap- 
piness of my own situation just over- 
ruled the disappointment. I thought, 
What the hell, I've been in a foreign 
d, there's been a war, 14 damn years, 
and I'm still alive. 

PLAYBOY: Let's talk about those 14 years 
and go back to the beginning, to the 
day you were captured. What happened 
that day? 


know. 


GARWOOD: It was September 28, 1965. 
Tuesday. ГЇЇ never forget it for the 
rest of my life. Thats when my heart- 
aches began. It was like the world ex- 
ploded in front of me. 

PLAYBOY: How old were you then? 
GARWOOD: Ninctcen. 

PLAYBOY: Where were you? What time 
of day was it? 

GARWOOD: It was in late afternoon. That 
morning, I went on my usual jeep run 
for G-2 [the battalion intelligence sce 
tion]. I was at Third Marine Division 
Headquarters on the direct perimeter 
of the Da Nang area. It was near a vi 
lage they called Dogpatch. That's wl 
we called it, anyway. My company went 
there a: ance unit. 

PLAYBOY: How many Marines were there 
at that point? 

GARWOOD: In the Da Nang area, not 
that many, maybe 20,000, I'm not sure. 
‘They'd only been there a few months. 
PLAYBOY: Where did you drive the jeep 
that day? And-what did you do? 
GARWOOD: Well, the dispatcher called 
on the squawk box and said G-2 wanted 
a driver. So I reported to G-2, and I 


“I was kind of scared . . . 
probably a whole lot 
of scared, a lot more 

than I would 
admit, really.” 


didn’t even get a chance to get out of 
my vehicle. An officer came right down 
to me. He said, “Report to recon at 
Marble Mountain and pick up an off- 
cer. He's gotta go home on emergency 
leave; plan to take off very shortly. 
Hell be waiting for you at Marble 
Mountain.’ 

PLAYBOY: What was Marble Mountain? 
GARWOOD: There was fighting over there. 
Sort of like we ruled it by day, they 
ruled it by night. It was about five 
miles away. 

PLAYBOY: How were you to identify the 
officer? 

GARWOOD: He'd be waiting for me. This 
recon unit had just arrived there. 
PLAYBOY: So you set off for 
Mountain about what time? 
GARWOOD: Ш 1 remember, it was prob- 
ably about four o'clock. 

PLAYBOY: Go on. 

GARWOOD: All right. Marble Mountain 
had a kind of reputation, especially 
with recon units, which usually went 
where the action was. I was kind of wor- 
ried. I thought, Damn, Im a short- 
timer, you know? Getting ready to go 
home—that's all I was thinking on my 


Marble. 


way there. All I needed was to get wiped 
Out now, get blown up by a mine or 
some shit, and its going to be my 
damned luck. I only had a few days to. 
Бо. I was kind of scared . . . probably 
a whole lot of scared, a lot more than 
I would admit, really When уоште 
getting short, you don't want го do noth- 
ing, go nowhere. When you first get 
there, you're gung ho, but when you get 
down to them last days, man, I mean, 
you count every day and every hour. You 
hear a firecracker go off, man, you hit 
the first foxhole you sce. You just get 
so dose to the ground, man, you're 
smaller than the grass is. It’s paranoid. 
So I started going out, and 1 asked for 
'ctions on the way. 

PLAYBOY: Whom did you ask? 

GARWOOD: Marines along the route. I'd 
stop and yell, “Hey, where's the recon 
at” And they'd say, “What recon? We've 
got all kinds of recon units out here. 
Which one do you w And I said, 
“Oh, shit. That's all I need.” 

I stopped another guy and asked, 
"Wherere they a?" He just pointed 
toward Marble Mountain. "Just go that. 
direction, you'll find them. And if you 
don't find them, they'll find you." So I 
kept going and going. and got to a 
bridge right there on. Route One. And 
there was a Marine and an ARVN [а 
South Vietnamese soldier] posted as 
sentries on the bridge. They told me 
there were a couple of recon units in 
the area, including one across the 
bridge. 

Well, 1 still had a couple of hours of 
daylight, so 1 figured I'd go ahead and 
check the one across the bridge. 
was no way I was going over the 
the other side, when “it started 
fall, you know? indshields 
mighty big targets. 

‘Time was very precious. About the 
time I hit the bridge, it was 4:30. And 
I said, "Well, what the hell.” So I 
across the bridge, and I remember the 
guard told me, he said, “Hey, man, 
don't be caught over there. In about 
r hour or two, it's going to be 


make 


shot 


So after I crossed the bridge, I didn't 
sce nothing. I didn't scc no goddamned 
recon units or nothing. 

PLAYBOY: Whiat was the terrain like? 

GARWOOD: Palm trees and a village. Fish- 
ing village was what it was. I went down 
the road and then the road started 
breaking up and it became, like—sand. 
I was going pretty slow, pretty cau У 
and I see no friendly military, but there 
was villag nd everything. Then I 
came to a stretch where, hell, there was 
nothing, no people. I mean, there were 
signs of life—you could see the smoke 
coming out of the little hootches and 
everything—but you couldn't sec a damn 
thing. So I took the road that veered 


off toward the beach, because under the 
palm trees, banana trees and the coco 
nut trees and all that, it was getting 
kind of dark, and it was kind of scaring 
me, so I. wanted to go out toward the 
beach, where it was light. I figured I'd 
be safe there, But then the road just 
played out entirely, just stopped in a 
little clearing. 

It got kind of scary. You know, the 
sun was going down, there was no 
people. I was getting scared shitless, so 
going 
to head back toward our lines. I'd seen 
there was a lot of gunnery placements 
on the beach. And, uh, just as I turned 
the jeep around, this old man came out. 
PLAYBOY: A Vietnamese? 

GARWOOD: Yeah, a Vietnamese. He was 
an old man, with a beard, and he was 
waving to me, saying something in 
French and Vietnamese. I just stopped 
d looked at him. He just smiled. Then 
he came over to the jeep and he point- 
ed to my weapon, like he was asking 
for my damn -45, you know. I said to 
myself, This guy must be nuts. He's 
crazy. | told him to go away. 

PLAYBOY: Who did you think he was? 
Viet Cong? 

GARWOOD: At that point, I wasn't even 
was, I'd had no contact 
before. I wasn't in com- 
bat status. I was a driver. Then the 
ARVN and the V.C. look sort of alike, 
And all of a sudden, they, 
like, came out of nowhere. They had 
camouflage, and they wore shorts, black 
shorts, and, uh, well, at first, you know, 
when I first 
a sigh of reli 
ARVN patrol. 

Most of them had their weapons 
pointed down at a 45-degree angle, but 
this one kid had his weapon pointed 
directly at me. Then I started looking 
at the weapons. Man, those weapons 
were not American weapons. And the 
ARVNs, usually they were outfitted with 
M-1 carbines or Thompsons or М-145, 


but these weapons, man, these were real 


I turned the jeep around and 


sure what a V. 
with the V. 


w them, man, it was like 
‚ | thought it was ап 


weird weapons. Some were long, some 
were short. I never seen them before. 

I just kept looking and they didn't 
say nothing. I looked around and 1 was 
completely encircled. 

Something just clicked in my mind, 
just instant fear. I thought to myself. 
Oh, shit. Something's wrong. It ain't 
it's supposed to be. They weren't 
smiling. They were very, very serious. 
PLAYBOY: What'd you do then? 

GARWOOD: I dropped my hand down and 
released the holster. I wasn't really that 
familiar with 45s, other than that I 
knew how to fire it, how to load it. 
When I put my hand down, that onc 
kid saw me—I swear to God, the rifle 
he had was longer than he was. He 


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PLAYBOY 


76 


looked as if he was going to fire it, so 
I dove. 

PLAYBOY: You dived out of the jeep? 
GARWOOD: Well, it was like a dive and 
a crawl, because I had to go across the 
seat. And when I did that, man, all hell 
broke loose. shit 
weapons and everything. I hit that sand 
and I tried to bury my head, and then 
it kind of ceased. When it ceased, I re- 
member one guy came charging up with 
a bayonet or something, with a blood- 
curdling scream. 

I think I closed my eyes and I just 
shot the damned .45 at him with both 
hands. I figured if I missed him, hell, 
was over, anyway. But I didn't, I hit him, 
and there were two loud scrcams. I fired. 
in, and then immediately after I 


I mean, automatic 


fired the second shot, there was a burst 
of automatic fire. At first, I didn’t feel 
any pain, I felt just like going to the 
dentist and you know how they shoot 
you with this stuff your whole 
mouth is numbed up. That's how my 
arm felt. Then | saw the blood and I 
rolled under the jeep— 
PLAYBOY: Where were you hit? 
GARWOOD: It was right here. Twice, right 
here. [Indicates right arm above the 
wrist] And I just commenced saying the 
Lord's Prayer, But they grabbed me by 
the boots, pulled me out. I think they 
wanted to kill me right there, but one 
of them—he looked like he was a little 
older—said something, and so they laid 
off. They told me to take my clothes olt 
When I started taking my uniform off, 


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y off in the distance, in the ocean, 
there were one or two helicopters. they 
were coming in toward land. The Viet- 
namese saw this, and they started talking 
jibberj 
taking off the dothe 
me—half dragged me and I half ran. I 
was scared shitless. I couldn't see in 
front of me. I stumbled and fell—there 
was all kinds of commotion. 

PLAYBOY: Where did they take you? 
GARWOOD: Into the village. I vaguely re- 
member hearing the engine of the jeep. 
Somebody was driving it ү or some- 
thing. And I remained there when the 
helicopters went over. They made me lic 
face down, pointed a gun to my head. 
About five, ten minutes later, they took 
off my uniform and my boots and tied 
my hands in the back. The old people 
came up and were shaking their fists and 
pointing at the guns, and they pointed 
at the planes—I mean, they were really 
angry. Damn—I thought I would get a 
public execution or something. I was in 
my white skivvy shorts and shirt. 

They took me away maybe about an 
hour from there. Everywhere we went, 
the people were waving at me and spit- 
ting on me and throwing rock: 
PLAYBOY: Where were they taking you? 
GARWOOD: West. toward the mountains. 
I remember when we crossed Route One. 
at night, because there was a cross fire. 
We were caught right in the middle of it. 
PLAYBOY: Cross fire? Between whom? 
GARWOOD: Evidently, the ARVNs ог 
Americans had some V.C, because we 
got right in the middle of this rice 
and just all hell broke loose. 
and all. Well, I plopped down, and the 
V ust laughed the sses off, because 
l was scared. It was worse than the ob- 
stacle training back in the States. 
than hell. 

PLAYBOY: Did you keep going all night? 
GARWOOD: Yeah, we went all night. Ic 
rained; I was very cold. I was hungry. 
I was tired, and everywhere I went. es 
pecially that night, every time we come 
to a village or somewhere, there was a 
group of people, they'd bring lanterns 
and they pinched me, they'd feel my 
hair and feel my body—it was real weird 
PLAYBOY: Did you have anything to cat? 
GARWOOD: At that point, no, they didn't 
give me nothing. They didn't give me 
nothing to eat till the next morning 
The next morning, they brought me 
small bag of cookies and a soda. They 
was like Vietnamese cookies and they 
tasted like shit. They kept me in a little 
boarded hootch-type thing. And that's 
when the guards brought me the soda 
and cookies, 

PLAYBOY: You were staying put during 
the day and moving at night? 

GARWOOD: That's pretty much the way 
it worked. They tried to interrogate me 


bber and motioned me to stop 
and they took 


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PLAYBOY 


78 


and everything, but no one spoke Eng- 


lish—they speak French and some pho- 
netic English. But I couldn't make heads 
or tails of it. 


you speak any Victnamese 
at that point? 

GARWOOD: A little. Very little. I didn't 
let them know that I did. 

PLAYBOY: Go on. 

GARWOOD: They took me in boats, down 


ers, across rice paddies, sometimes 
where there was fire or artillery, and I 
was going right in front of it. J mean, I 


was scared out of my wits. 

PLAYBOY; How many days were you on 
the move before you reached the first 
prison camp? 

GARWOOD: About a weck or ten days. 
PLAYBOY: How far do you suppose that 
was from where you were captured? 
GARWOOD: Maybe ten, fifteen miles. 
PLAYBOY: Were you in the mountains at 
that point? 

GARWOOD: We just kept going up and 
up and around and around and up and 
up. Finally got to a compound, sort of. 
There was a little bamboo cage with 
metal bolted into it, a large chicken 
coop, Td say. Or something like you'd 
keep a wild animal in. So they put me in 
this. There wasn't no roof on it, so they 
got some leaves and they put them over 
it like a cover. 

PLAYBOY: What did they do then? Did 
they try to interrogate you or did they 
just leave you alone? 

GARWOOD: No, not at this time. I was 
very worn out and I had leech bites all 
over me. I was very tired, and I wa 
weak, because I didn’t eat much. I lost 
a lot of blood. They took care of my 
wounds. I mean, they bandaged them, 
wrapped them up the second day. They 
didn't really take care of them until the 
third day, when they cleaned them out 
with alcohol. Raw alcohol. When they 
did that, the wounds started bleeding 
again, but a guy who spoke half English 
said if it starts bleeding again, that's 
good, because the infection will come 
out. They wrapped it in a dirty bandage. 
L got infected. Thats why it's 
big scar [holds up arm]. 

у give you to cat? 
GARWOOD: Cookies and soda pop. They 
thought all Americans ate was junk 
food, Finally, I got across what I really 
wanted, I guess. They tried to feed me 
icc, but when they give me that other 
damn stuff- 
PLAYBOY: Nuoc mam [a potent sauce 
made from fermented fish]? 
GARWOOD: Yeah, nuoc mam; 
to throw up. Well, 1 thought it was 
some kind of poison; I'll be damned if 
I was going to cat this shit. 

PLAYBOY: How long were you in that 
cage? 

GARWOOD: Until we left the camp. They 
never really built a hootch for me. I 


I'm going 


slept on strips of bamboo. Nobody ever 
spoke to me. I was there maybc five, six 
weeks. 

PLAYBOY: Did you still think that they 
were going to execute you? 

GARWOOD: Yeah, I really did, because 
they always madc a point to show 
me their weapons. It was constantly like 
they was just going to blow me away, but 
they just weren't ready to do it yet. I felt 
strongly I was going to I mean, I 
was completely convinced of that. 
PLAYBOY: You say nobody made any at- 
tempt to communicate with you, but 
wasn't it at that first camp that they 
tried to get you to sign some leaflets for 
propaganda? 

GARWOOD: About the second or third 
week I was there, there was a dude—just 
appeared out of nowhere—whose name 
was Mr. Ho. He showed up with a 
couple of bodyguards and proclaimed 
himself to be a professor of English, 
which I believe, because he spoke Eng- 
lish better than I could. 

PLAYBOY: Was Ho a political officer? 
GARWOOD: Well, all hc told me was that 
he a radical socialist. He said he 


“There was a little 
bamboo cage with 
metal bolted into it, 

a large chicken 
coop, I'd say." 

— 


wasn't a Communist and he wasn't a 
capitalist but that he was against what 
the U.S. was doing to Viemam. He was 
very sophisticated. Very clean. 

PLAYBOY: Was he a North Vietnamese? 
GARWOOD: No. He had South Vietnam- 
esc looks. Wore black pajamas. 

PLAYBOY: What did he say to you? 
GARWOOD: He introduced himself and 
said that we'd be talking later, and he 
went out. The next day, he asked me 
how I had been treated since I had been 
captured. Actually, 1 was afraid to tell 
him t І was treated badly, so I said 
that, uh, under the circumstances, all 
right. And he didn't press the situation, 
torture me or anything like that. 
PLAYBOY: What did he want to know? 
GARWOOD: | think he was just trying 
to get to know me. 

PLAYBOY: He wasn't interested in any- 
thing military? 

GARWOOD: Nope, just to get to know 
me. He was feeling me out. Yeah. And. 
uh, he asked me how long 1 had been 
in Vietnam. I can't remember it at all. 
I mean, I was trying to answer him, but 
I wasn't. And he sensed it right away. 


And he told me, “All the questions I'm 
asking you, I know the answers already, 
so it won't do you any good to avoid 
it.” He said, “You her talk to me or 
you can talk to someone else. And the 
someone else who comes to talk to you 
may not be so nice as I am he got 
his point across. I was trying to make 
him understand that I'm a Marine, and 
I'm an American military man, that 1 
was sworn to do certain things and that 
I can't say anything that Lm not sup- 
posed to. 

He said, 


Yes, I know all about your 
code of honor, but it doesn't do you 
any good here in Vietnam. You invaded 
our country, so, therefore, we consider 
you a criminal. If you do your best to be 
a friend to the Vietnamese people, then 
we'll treat you as a friend; but if you 
do your best to be an enemy, then we'll 
treat you as such." 
PLAYBOY: Was hc interrogating you in 
your cage? 
GARWOOD: Yeah. 
PLAYBOY: What else did he want? 
GARWOOD: Well, actually, not much. He 
said, "Fm not going to press you too 
much today, give you time to think 
about it, to remember youre in the 
jungle, we have captured you, you're our 
prisoner and we can do with you what 
we want" He was there for about a 
week and I talked to him every day. He 
kept persisting, persisting, so I figured, 
in the end, I'm going to have to tell him 
some kind of story, or he’s going to start 
turning the screws. So I made up а bull- 
shit story that I was a general's aide, 
told him my family was very rich back 
in the States. I wiced to build up that 
I was very important, so they'd maybe 
wy to get some ransom or they wouldn't 
kill me. 
PLAYBOY: How did he react to that? 
GARWOOD: He was very crude about the 
whole thing. He said, “Because of people 
like you, your capitalist family, thou- 
sands upon thousands of Vietnamese are 
ng killed every day." 1 mean, man, he 
cut me down bad. 
PLAYBOY: When did he urge you to sign 
leaflets? 
GARWOOD: Just before 1 left. He told 
me that he'd just got a report back from 
the guerrilla unit that captured me. First 
he asked, "What religion are you?” I 
said, “I'm Baptist" Hc said, “All right, 
if you're Baptist, then you know your 
Bible says, ‘an eye for an eye, right?” 
I said yeah. He said, "Well, I'm told 
you have killed two Vietnamese. What 
do you think about thatz" 
I said, “They were shoot 


“You cannot claim self-defense. you in- 
хайс our country. You killed our 
people. Now, if you had killed someone 
in the United States, what would have 
been your punishment?” I said, “Well, 


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PLAYBOY 


80 


you go to jail and, possibly, execution." 
He said, "What makes you think that 
we shouldn't do the same?” 

PLAYBOY: He was trying to scare you. 
GARWOOD: He didn't try; shit, he suc- 
ceeded. 

PLAYBOY: To what purpose? Why do you 
think he was trying to scare you? 
GARWOOD: At that point, I don't know. 
I was very, very confused. I was scared 
"cause I thought they was trying to pre- 
pare me for what eventually was going 
to happen. Later on, I felt that I really 
screwed up. I thought, Oh, sl 1 
throwed up to them that my parents 
and my family was really important. 
Man, they're going to make tot, “and 
make a damned public execution and 
broadcast it all over the world. Got 
rid of one more big capitalist and all 
that shit. By that time, I was thinking, 
Why didn't I just come out and tell 
them that my father was a worker? 
PLAYBOY: What did your father do? 
GARWOOD: He was a printer. My whole 
family was workers. I'm poor as hell. 
PLAYBOY: But you did, finally, sign some 
propaganda leaflets, didn't you? 
GARWOOD: Yes. 

PLAYBOY: Why? 

GARWOOD: Well, first, Ho didn't tell me 
anything about any leaflets; he wanted 
me to write what they called my auto- 
biography. I told him that I couldn't do 
that, that І was sworn by code of con- 
duct not to give him anything morc than 
my name, rank and serial number. He 
said, “I'm going to flat-out tell you now: 
We do not recognize the Geneva agree- 
ments. The United States has not de- 
clared war on Vietnam, so the Geneva 
Accords—and your code of conduct—do 
not apply.” He got very angry when he 
said that. And he told me, "If you don't 
write it now, then you'll write it later.” 
PLAYBOY: So you wrote the autobiography? 
GARWOOD: I stuck to a bullshit story and 
wrote the autobiography. Actually, Y 
told him I wasa chaplain's aide. 
PLAYBOY: Chaplain's aide? 

GARWOOD: Oh, hc got me for that, too. 
Because he came back and said, “Do you 
know what а chaplain's aide is? A chap- 
lain is actually the biggest CIA agent 
that your Government has. His job is to 
counsel troops when their morale is very 
low, to get them to fight." 

PLAYBOY: What about the leaflets? 
GARWOOD: He had made out this docu- 
ment that said “Fellow Soldiers Ap- 
peal.” He wrote it and then asked me 
what I thought about it. I said, “I'm 
sorry, I can't sign it.” He said, "Well, 
do you think the military's going to 
come in here and save you? Do you 
think the Marine Corpss going to re- 
member you, after you're dead and 
buried?" He kept playing on it like that. 
“Nobody gives a shit about you. As far 
as the Marine Corps goes, you're just 


cannon fodder, and you're going to be 
buried in the sand with thousands of 
other cannon fodder, and nobody's go- 
ing to know your name, or remember 
you.” He kept playing this spicl, his 
spiel. I said, "I'm sorry, whether 
or not, I've got my own consci 
got to live with." So he didn't force his 
hand then. He said, "I'll give you time 
to think about it and I'll be back here 
very shortly.” 

But then I developed dysentery real 
bad. And they wouldn't give me any 
medicine. They said they didnt have 
any. It was hard for me to converse with. 
them, anyway, and I got real sick. I was 
going to the latrine up to maybe 15, 20 
times a day. Blood was coming out and 
I couldn't cat. I was very weak. Ho came 
back about a week later and he pulled 
this sympathy act, you know. But I got 
even worse, until I really thought I was 
going crazy. І started going to the state 


where—I don't know—I accepted the 
fact I was going to dic. 

PLAYBOY: Go on. 

GARWOOD: Well. Ho came down and 


gave this big spiel, and showed me a 
leaflet where he said two Army dudes 


— OO 
“My hands were tied 
behind my back and 

there was a rope around 
my neck, which one of the 
guards had in his hands.” 


had been captured, and been released, 
and they had signed, and they had writ- 
ten these leaflets. He said, “See, these 
people now are back in the States with 
their f; jes, and nothing has happened. 
to them." He said, “You have nothing 
but your own survival.” He said, “You're 
not going to be hurting anybody.” 
PLAYBOY: Then you signed your leaflet? 
GARWOOD: Eventually, I signed it. It was 
just so much propaganda. I knew, as an 
American, nobody would pick it up, 
cept as a damn souvenir or something, 
nothing serious, anyway. 

PLAYBOY: You mean they'd think it was 
a joke or wouldn't be persuaded by it? 
GARWOOD: Well, ycah, because nobody 
knows an American like the Amcricans 
do. It was a bunch of bulls! You don't 
think somebody's going to cross over for 
their damned leaflet. 

PLAYBOY: So you thought it would be ob- 
vious that you had signed it under duress. 
GARWOOD: Right, because right on the 
leaflet, it said, POW, prisoner of war, 
and my name. So, automatically, when 
Americans saw that "pri 
they assumed you had to sign 
know, you were forced to. Meant 


figured, There's still some chance; if I 
get some of my health back, I'll be able 
to escape. 

PLAYBOY: Did you really think that by 
signing that leaflet they might release 
you and send you back to the States? 
GARWOOD: No. It was just like a stay of 
prosecution. 

PLAYBOY: You mean a stay of execution. 
GARWOOD: Execution, prosecution. 
PLAYBOY: So you signed onc leaflet? 
GARWOOD: Yeah. That's right. 

PLAYBOY: How long was that after you 
were captured? 

GARWOOD: Pretty close to two months, I 
guess. 

PLAYBOY: And you were still living in 
the cage? 

GARWOOD: Immediately upon signing 
this, they got the medicine and give it 
to me, because my health was just about 
to the point where I could barely walk 
around. Then 1 was moved to the second 
camp. 

PLAYBOY: During those first couple of 
months, did you try to escape? 

GARWOOD: Yeah, about a week after 1 
was captured. We were traveling along 
the riverbank, toward the mountains. 
And the guards that were on me— 
PLAYBOY: How many were there? 
GARWOOD: At times there was as many as 
ten, and at other times there was only 
two or three, including one small guy. 
PLAYBOY: Were you tied up? 

GARWOOD: My hands were ticd behind 
my back and there was a rope around 
my neck, which one of the guards had in 
his hands. We traveled all day and half 
the night. Well, onc day, we got to this 
pagoda with steps that led down to the 
river. 

We were resting on these steps and it 
was about midnight. It was cold and 
they told me to lie down on the steps to 
get some rest, but I didn't sleep. The 
small guard, who was maybe 14 or 15 
years old, was six or seven steps above 
me. The other guard went away and I 
didn't have the rope around my neck, 
all I had was my hands tied. The little 
guy eventually dozed off to slecp. So I 
rolled down one step and waited for his 
rcaction, because, usually, if I cven 
moved, he said something. He didn't say 
nothing, so I rolled down another step. 
I was right near the water's edge and he 
was still in the same position. I just 
rolled from step to step and rolled into 
the water, and went downstream, along 
the bank. 

I kept listening, but I never heard 
anything from the guards. I don't know 
when they found out I was gone. I moved 
pretty fast. My hand hurt bad, my arm 
was swollen. I was gone quite a distance. 
It was hard for me to keep track of the 
time, but I speculate it was maybe four 
or five in the morning, because I remem- 
ber the roosters were crowing, but it 


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PLAYBOY 


wasn't light yer. And I was feeling my 
way along the bank and trying to find 
somewhere to hide during the day. I 
thought the river would go back in the 
direction we came from, to Da Nang, or, 
if nothing сїзє, out to the ocean. You 
know, there was American river patrols, 
all kinds of stuff like that. 1 figured Га 
run into somebody. 

Well, 1 was feeling my way around 
the bank and I bumped into something, 
a goddamned sampan, or a boat, and it's 
got these Vietnamese in there, and it 
woke them up, and they shined a flash- 
light and saw me and started yelling and 
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PLAYBOY: Were they V.C. or just villagers? 
GARWOOD: I think they were guerrillas, 
because they had weapons. The guys in 
the sampan, I don't think they knew 
where I came from. A lot of jibber-jab- 
bering going on—like they thought 
they'd been the ones who captured me, 
that maybe I'd parachuted or something. 
I don't think they knew that ] was actu- 
ally captured and had escaped. 

Anyway, I was a prize possession, just 
sitting around, and, God, then there was 
people coming out of nowhere. And 
then I saw this little guard, he showed 
up again. And he jumping up 
and down, wanting to kill me. He said 


was 


he was going to blow iny brains away or 
something. The other guerrillas, they 
were laughing about it. And then four 
or five other guys clothed in black— 
strong, muscular, looked like weight 
builders, you know—they escorted me, 
They pushed and shoved and they point- 
ed rifles, like I should be shot for what 
I tried to do, and shit like that. 

PLAYBOY: All right, let's move forward 
gain to Ho and the autobiography. 
GARWOOD: Wait, therc's something else. 
Before I got dysentery, and before Ho 
left, they took me back down the moun- 
tain to the plains. There was a village 
surrounded by rice paddics. There must 
have been 100 people, if not more. Reg- 


ular villagers, people working in rice 
paddies. They were carrying rice up the 


mountain. And they'd point at me, and 
they'd laugh at me and say, “Ooo Е 
Ооо Ess was U, S—and stuff like that. I 
found out they had brought me to make 
a movi 

PLAYBOY: A movi: 
GARWOOD: Yeah. A re-enactment of the 
capture. At the camp with Ho, this girl 
camc in who could speak English fairly 
well. She told me that she was going to 
make a movie. She said they wanted a 
reenactment of the capture. First, I 
kind of laughed at her, and she got 
ly pissed and she screamed, “You 
laugh at the people?” I said no. So they 
took me out in the middie of the 
damned rice paddy, put me in the mid- 
dlc of it, surrounded it by V.C. guerril- 
las, and they shot up in the air and all 
kinds of bullshit, and then the V.C. 
came in the middle of the rice paddy, 
got me by the arms and dragged me out 
of the rice paddy. And that was the end 
of the movie. 

PLAYBOY: Then what happened? 
GARWOOD: They gave me something to 
eat and took me back to the mountain 
again. The next day or the day after 
that was when F started to develop the 
dysente 
PLAYBOY: And then Ho came back? 
GARWOOD: That's when he got me to sign 
the leaflet. As soon as I signed it, he lett. 
And then they gave me medicine 
PLAYBOY: Did the medicine clear up the 
dysentery? 

GARWOOD: It did after abou week, It 
didn't stop altogether. It was down to 
where I was going about twice a day, 
maybe three times a day, but | could 
eat. I was able to cat rice, you know, and 
they gave me some brown sugar and I 
was getting a little of my strength back. 
It was up to the point where I way able 
to walk, but I didn’t let them know. 
That's when I decided to try to esc: 
again. Sce, dysentery is a very, very fat 
disease. "They're scared shitless of it. I 
noticed that every time I had to go to 
the latrine, they'd always stay a distance 
from me. They'd never get close to me. 
And there were certain guards that 


2 


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PLAYBOY 


wouldn't even follow me, except just to 
the edge of the path, that was maybe 40 
feet to the latrine well. 

When I started getting better, I didn't 
let the Vietnamese know I was getting 
better. Every time I went to the latrine, 
І tied to stay a» long a» I could, to 
see how long it took before they called 
me. Sometimes, with certain guards, they 
would call me periodically about every 
five or ten minutes. Then there was this 
onc guard who didn't call me at all. And 
I was getting my strength back. 

PLAYBOY: What were they calling you, 
by the way? 
GARWOOD: Bo. Bo. 

PLAYBOY: For Bob? 

GARWOOD: Yeah, and a lot of them 
called me Me—"Hey, Me, Me, Me.” For 
American. 

PLAYBOY: So, at some point, you decided 
you were going to use that as a way to 
escape. 

GARWOOD: Right. The longest I stayed 
there was about a half hour, and the 
guard never even called me. And so I 
s hoping a half hour would give me 
enough time to get down the damn 
mountain. І was getting scared that they 
were going to use me, and when they 
weren't going to use me no more, 
they was just going to get rid of me. So 
I figured, Man, my time's getting shorter 
and shorter, and what the hell if Im 


w 


shot now or later? And there still wa 
chance. Some kind of a slim chance. 
There was a creek behind the latrine 
and I thought the creek must've led 
down to the plains where they took me 
and filmed this movie thing. So may- 
be, just maybe I could work my 
because at night there was artillery from 
Da Nang. And if I just followed that 
direction, just maybe I could come upon 
one of the patrols or something. Maybe 
I'd just luck out, you know. My damn 
luck had been so rotten so long and, 
goddamn, it couldn't be that way all the 
. It was a big chance, but I was really 
desperate. 
Well, it was 


ay, 


n the evening, it had 
started to get dark and I went to the 
latrine, and 1 lucked out with that 
guard. Actually, I hadn't planned it just 
then, not until I saw who the guard was, 
and it was like a split-second decision 
right there. ГИ try it now or might never 
get the chance again. So I went to the la- 
trine like I usually do. The stream was 
right behind me, so I just started follow- 
ing it. I tried to run, and I stumbled, 
and it was daylight but getting dark, so 
you could just barely see your way. And. 
I stumbled and fell on the rocks and 
I was gone maybe for better than a 
half hour. 

PLAYBOY: Down the mountain? 
GARWOOD: L mean, it scemed like forever 


to me. And I heard shots ring out— 
bang!—bang! 1 heard voices and 


shouts—it looks like they found out I'm 
gone. So I tried to go faster. Anyway, 
this damn stream went around down the 
mountain—it was nothing but rocks and 
slippery—I fell several times and busted 
my ass. I had no shoes, I was barefoot. 
Cut my feet. I went all night like this, 
and it was getting on to the morning, 
and I knew I was going down, because I 
could look up and I couldn't see the top 
of the mountain. I found a big roc 
big overhang, and got under it. I wasn't 
even at the base of the damned moun 
tain yet and I was going all fucking 
night! 

Tt was just light enough so you could 
see where you were going, and then they 
found me. They started raising hell and 
everything else. I didn't say nothing, I 
just curled up under that rock like a 
porcupine or something and figured I'd 
get beat to death. They was yelling and 
screaming, They'd been waiting for me 
at the base of the damned mountai 
Because they went down the path and 1 
went down the stream, Down the path 
was probably a very short distance, and 
down the stream, y ag. 1 was weak, 
anyway. and then they hit me and all 
that shit. I had bumps and bruises and 
there was some blood, and I felt real 
sure that I was going to be executed. But 


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PLAYBOY 


86 


they put me back in the cage and didn't 
give me nothing to eat the next day. 
Then it wasn't long after, about five, 
six days, they moved me. 
PLAYBOY: What direction did they move 
you in? Did you have any idea? 
GARWOOD: North. It was at night. I could 
see the lights were flashing against the 
skyline. I guess it was Da Nang Air Base. 
A couple of weeks, moving north. 
PLAYBOY: That would have been when— 
in December 1965? 
GARWOOD: Or late November. 
PLAYBOY: When was it that you saw your 
first fellow American? 
GARWOOD: I'd arrived at the second camp 
about two, maybe three weeks before I 
saw my first American. That’s when they 
brought Ike [Eisenbraun] in. 
PLAYBOY: How had he been captured? 
GARWOOD: He was a Special Forces cap- 
tain in the Pleiku region. His outpost 
was overrun by the V.C. The guy was in 
bad shape. He'd been captured about 
five, six months. Yeah, Ike came in and 
he was pitiful. I was so damn happy—he 
was a godsend. I mean, I wanted to talk 
to somebody, just to have somebody to 
confide in, somebody I could turn to, 
because I never had been in a situation 
like this before. And I was really lost. 
PLAYBOY: You said he was in bad shape; 
how bad? 
GaRwoop: He was sick: his feet were 
swollen. He had—what do you call itz— 
nutrition edema; and he had diarrhea. 
PLAYBOY: Did they put you in the same 
hootch? 
GARWOOD: Yeah. And he 
I had to care for him, wash him, 
PLAYBOY: Did the two of you get ig? 
GARWOOD: He was the best. But he was 
just on the verge of death then. We re- 
mained together until he died about a 
year and a half later. 
PLAYBOY: What went on in that second 
camp? 
GARWOOD: Not much. The gu 
us go and get wood for their kitchen, 
but Ike couldn't go, so 1 carried the 
wood for both of us. There were also 
some ARVN prisoners there, and they 
rcleased about 90 of them. 
PLAYBOY: Why did they release them? 
GARWOOD: Because they had become 
"liberated." They would say the progres- 
sive stuff or whatever, that they were 
Boing back to fight for the "people's 
cause" and shit. I remember giving one 
of the ARVN prisoners my dog tag be- 
fore he left. 
PLAYBOY: Hoping the dog tag would 
make its way back to American lines? 
GARWOOD: Yeah. 
PLAYBOY: Did 
GARWOOD: Yeah. I read it іп one of the 
newspaper articles when I got back to 
the U.S. 
PLAYBOY: So then they moved you to a 
third camp, right? Were you still going 
north? 


made 


GARWOOD: I don't know. It was triple- 
canopy jungle and deep in the moun- 
tains. You couldn't tell which direction. 
PLAYBOY: How did they move Ikc? By 
litter? 

GARWOOD: No, he was able to walk, be- 
cause I cared for him. I washed for him 
and bathed him and—I give him almost 
half my ration and his strength was able 
to build him up. 

PLAYBOY: What was your ration at that 
point? 

GARWOOD: Twice a day, one big bowl of 
rice, with some kind of jungle vegeta- 
bles. Something they called vegetables; 
we called it weeds, 

PLAYBOY: What was the next camp like? 
GARWOOD: It wasn’t very big. It looked 
like it had just been built. There were 
some ARVN prisoners. This camp was 
high in the mountains and under the 
canopy of the trees. They put us in a 
hootch. 

PLAYBOY: For the record, would you de- 
scribe what you mean by a hootch? 
GARWOOD: It's a kind of a shed. There 
are bamboo walls and a bamboo roof. 
About 15 feet wide and maybe 40 feet 
long. 

PLAYBOY: And how many guards were 
there? 

GARWOOD: About 15, 20, maybe. 

PLAYBOY: How long did you stay there? 
GARWOOD: Pretty close to a year, I guess. 
PLAYBOY: Was Ike with you? 

GARWOOD: Ycs. And then, in July or 
August, Russ come. Russ Grissett. 
was a corporal in the Marines. He was 
in recon, too. 

PLAYBOY: During that time, did they do 
anything to you? Did they try to get you 
to sign leaflets or propagandize you? 
GARWOOD: They propagandizcd—yeah. 
They had an English interpreter there, 
too. He came from North Vietnam. 
PLAYBOY: What was his name? 

GARWOOD: His name was Hum. He 
spoke English, so you could understand 
him if you listened real careful. 

PLAYBOY: What did he do? 

GARWOOD: He brought a radio down and 
we listened to the Hanoi broadcasts. 
And be brought different leaflets and 
books and pamphlets that were printed 
by the V.C. and the North Vietnamese. 
Propaganda books. 

PLAYBOY: Did they make you read them 
or did they just leave them with you? 
GARWOOD: "They were the only thing to 
read, really. 

PLAYBOY: Did you consider escaping 
again? 

GARWOOD: Yes, we both did. But we 
talked to the ARVN. Ike talked Viet- 
namese. We tried to size up our chances 
and we felt that we had about maybe a 
25 percent chance of escaping. I'd tried 
it twice—Ike had already tried it twice, 
too. And we both failed. But Ike kept 
persisting that he wanted to do it again. 


But it got down to his health—we just 
couldn't make no time. I mean, first he 
was almost blind. He had lost his glasses. 
But what really bothered me was his 
health. He could hardly breathe at all 
and I could walk faster than he could 
run. I told him, “Ike, it’s suicide. We 
don’t know where the hell we are, and 
as far as surviving, that’s not good odds.” 
And ГЇЇ tell you, in my own mind at 
that time, I was just so afraid of being 
alone .. . I was afraid that he was going 
to escape and that he would die on the 
way or he'd be killed. Because Ike, god- 
damn it, he fought, he went down fight- 
ing. He never gave up. That's what I 
would say about him. I ‘had a lot of 
respect for him. 

PLAYBOY: It sounds as if you were dis- 
couraging him from escaping. 

GARWOOD: At that point, I was young, 1 
was real young, and when I was first cap- 
tured, І was alone all the tim 
afraid of losing Ike, so afraid of being 
alone again. Plus they told us that if we 
tried to escape one more time, that it 
would be automatic execution when they 
captured us. So I discouraged Ike almost 
every way I could about the possibility 
of tying to escape. 

PLAYBOY: So you languished in that camp 
for almost a year, reading the cnemy 
propaganda. Then what happened? 
GARWOOD: They moved us again, because 
we were bombed, It was a B-52 strike. 
They had just showed us a propaganda 
film from North Vietnam, Right after 
the film, the damn camp was bombed. 
PLAYBOY: It was just you, Ike and Russ? 
GARWOOD: And the ARVN. The ARVN 
prisoners left before us. The next camp 
was a long way away. 

PLAYBOY: And it was at that camp, the 
fourth one, that you left the American 
compound and began living with the 
Viet Cong. 

GARWOOD: Well, пог... 
could put it that way, but I'd like to say 
what happened. 

PLAYBOY: Go ahead. 

GARWOOD: After we'd been in this camp 
a little while, Ho arrived. 

PLAYBOY: The same Ho you had dealt 
with before? 

GARWOOD: Right. And he proposed a 
deal. He came over with this big propa- 
ganda bullshit about the solidarity of 
progressive peoples, that there were such 
people the U States and that 
they were considering releasing some of 
our POWs and, uh, thanks to the soli- 
darity, they were consider 
PLAYBOY: Ву the “sol; do you 
mean the antiwar movement back in the 
United States? 

GARWOOD: Right. And, actually, I was 
kind of thrilled, but I was kind of dis- 
turbed, too. Just the thought of return- 
ing to America—returning to American 
control, American Armies, was some- 
thing beyond my grasp. It was something 


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PLAYBOY 


that everybody hungered for. Just the 
thought of it, being able to be free— 
under any circumstances. So Ho pro- 
posed the deal that, uh, he called a 
liberation. He said they would release 
me. All that would be required of me in 
return for my liberation was that they 
would announce that I had now become 
a "friend of the Vietnamese," and I 
would be taken to some villages where 
they would hold meetings, and I would 
tell these villagers that the American 
working class wcre actually in solidarity 
with the Vietnamese working class, that 
we weren't enemies and that it was only 
the capitalists that were waging war, and 
all that propaganda bullshit. 

Well, I didn’t agree right away. I told 
him that I would think about it, and I 
went back to Ike and І told him what 
happened. Russ, he didn’t like it at all. 
Russ said more or less that it was against 
the de of Conduct. So we discussed it 
and Ike said, “Hell, we've already signed 
statements and everything and, hell, no- 
body knows we're alive. And if just one 
of us can get out, then, if nothing else, 
they'll know still alive, that 
we're here, and they'll come looking for 
us.” He said if it had been him, he 
would do it. And if it had been Russ, 
he would have ordered him to go. He 
said, "Since it's you, go. Do whatever 
you have to do to get out of here. Just 


мете 


get word out somehow that мете still 
alive.” 

I don’t know, it kind of disturbed me. 
I had a small argument with Ike at that 
point. 1 said I'd rather that we all got 
out of there together, and maybe we 
could make some deal with them, where 
they'd release us all—you know, we'd 
cooperate with them in some way. Ike 
said no, they were not going to accept 
that. He said, “They've focused their 
attention on you. Just use it to the best 
advantage." I thought about it, and I 
thought about it, so I finally agreed 

It was like 2 mark, liberation, but it 
wasn't really liberation. I got up and 
gave a speech on friendship and said 
we're all together. Ho wrote it for me 
PLAYBOY: Was that in the camp itself? 
GARWOOD: Yes. 
PLAYBOY: Who was the audience? 
GARWOOD: Ike and Russ and the ARVN 
POWs. Ho was there. They made a tape 
recording of it. It was like a preliminary. 
Actually, then I was not really liberated. 
But there was an announcement that I 
was now being considered a friend, and 
not the enemy anymore, as long as I 
cooperated. And so I was taken out of 
the compound, away from Ike and Russ. 
They built a small hootch for me. And 
I lived there. 
PLAYBOY: Doing what? 
GARWOOD: They used me. They used me 


like a pawn or a propaganda tool. Every 
time a new POW would come in, they'd 
point to me and say, you know, that I'd 
been progressive. and we'll let him go, 
he'll be released soon. They'd say, “Bob 
is a progressive American, and if you 
want to be like him, you have to abide 
by the camp rules, be 2 hard worker and 
probe your solidarity with the working 
class of America.” 

PLAYBOY: Did you continue your contacts 
with Ike? 

GARWOOD: Yes, I did, s 
PLAYBOY: Only several times? 

GARWOOD: That was right after I was 
separated from Ike and Russ, But then 
Ike was separated from Russ. They put 
Ike in a hammock, right outside the 
compound. 

PLAYBOY: Did they think he was too weak 
to escape? 

GARWOOD: Possibly, but also, they told 
me that they were considering releasing 
Ike, too, because Ike by then was being 
much more cooperative. And I talked to 
Ike about it. He told me, “I don't think 
they're going to release me. But a little 
help. a little help, and they'd eventually 
maybe release one of us." So I told him, 
"Theyre using me as a damn tool, a 
propzganda tool" I asked him how far 
he thought they was going to go. He 
"Well I don't know, but since 
"ve stepped out a little, we'll have to 


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step out all the w с they were 
going to release me or they were going 
to put me back in the damned POW 
compound. But Ike felt they wouldn't 
put me back in the POW compound, 
because t would only show the other 
POWs they were lying, that it was a 
bunch of bullshit. He said, “If anything, 
they will take you out of the camp and 
tell us that you've been liberated, But 
right now, whatever they tell you to do, 
do it. Because if you don't, then it's go- 
ing to be worse on the other POWs." 
PLAYBOY: Did you see Ike whenever you 
wanted to? 

GARWOOD: No, I had to ask permission. 
PLAYBOY: All right, so you were living in 
the hootch by yourself. How far was 
that from the compound where the other 
Americans were kept? 

GARWOOD: About 50 or 75 feet. I was 
wedged between the guard. hootch and 
the camp commander's hootch. 

PLAYBOY: But you weren't in a cage or 
restrained in any way? 

GARWOOD: Ah, no. Directly in a cage, no. 
To leave this hootch and go anywhere, 
Lhad to ask permission. 

PLAYBOY: How did you cat? 

GARWOOD: They brought my meals to 
me. My only duties at that point were to 
£0 get firewood for the guard kitchen. 
PLAYBOY: Were you guarded when you 
gathered wood? 


GARWOOD: I was guarded, yes. 

PLAYBOY: When did Ike die? 

GARWOOD: He didn't die until September 
[1967]. Actually, right after Ike died, 
that's when they took me away. They 
told me that he'd fallen out of his ham: 
mock and broke a couple of his rib-cage 
bones and punctured his lung. 

PLAYBOY: Do you think that was true? 
GARWOOD: No. 

PLAYBOY: What do you think happened? 
GARWOOD: See, I was going down to see 
Ike a lot. And they watched every move 
I made, because the only time I could 
see him was during the daylight. But 
toward August, I was getting frustrated 
and I was more persistent. 

PLAYBOY: Persistent to see Ike? 

GARWOOD: No, not to see Ike, persistent 
as to why I wasn't being released. I was 
more or less on hold right there. Wasn't 
allowed to go anywhere or do anything, 
except to gather firewood and manioc [a 
yamlike vegetable. And I was really 
frustrated. They'd first told me Га be 
released in about a month. And it had 
been four months already. I'd а 
interpreter, and he'd tell me, 
don't really know, but I think that the 
front is waiting for an opportunc time 
so that you may be turned over to an 
American peace They'll 
probably come over to Vietnam and 
they'll turn you back over then, rather 


committee. 


than turn you over to the CIA or the 
military.” 

Anyway, the day I heard about Ike 
dying, I asked to go down to the POW 
compound, and they let me. I talked to 
Russ. He just said that Ike fell out of 
his hammock and ruptured his lung. 
PLAYBOY: What did they do with his body? 
GARWOOD: The ARVN POWs went out 
and cut some bamboo and wrapped it 
around his body like a makeshift coffin 
and carried it to the clearing. There was 
myself and Russ and two other Amer- 
ican prisoners, Luis Ortiz-Rivera and 
Marine named Bob Sherman. We in- 
sisted on digging the grave. But the 
guards got kind of angry when I started 
digging the grave; they told me I 
wasn't—you know 
PLAYBOY: You weren't supposed to dig a 
grave? 

GARWOOD: No. They got kind of pissed 
about it. So Russ and Ortiz more or less 
dug it. Ortiz was the strongest, he was 
built like an ox. And Ortiz dug most of. 
the grave. It was shallow, it wasn't real 
deep. 

PLAYBOY: What was your relationship 
with Russ at that point? 
GARWOOD: Russ Grissctt 
whelmed with what a great guy he was. 
PLAYBOY: You mcan he didn't like the 
idea of your going off to be liberated? 
GARWOOD: No. He thought if there was 


I wasn't over- 


81 


PLAYBOY 


92 


going to be a release, we all should be 
released together. 

PLAYBOY: When you went down to the 
compound, did you talk to him? 
GARWOOD: Yeah, I talked to him. 
PLAYBOY: How did he react? 

GARWOOD: I don't think he liked it too 
much. 

PLAYBOY: So after Ike died, they moved 
you to a fifth camp? 

GARWOCD: Right. It was just another 
prisoner camp. I thought they was going 
to release me then, but they didn't. They 
put me in a hootch right next to the 
kitchen—not in the POW compound. 
And very shortly afterward, they brought 
Weatherman in. 

PLAYBOY: Who was Weatherman? An 
American? 

GARWOOD: Yes; the V.C. told me he was 
a crossover, supposedly. I don't know. 
They introduced me to him as a mem- 
ber of the Solidarity Committee of the 
Amcrican People. Said he was drafted 


and immediately upon arriving in Viet- 
nam, he came over to the people. So 
they said. 

PLAYBOY: What was his rank? 

GARWOOD: Privatc—Píc., maybe. 
PLAYBOY: What happened to Weather- 
man? 

GARWOOD: They took him away. Right 
after Christmas. They treated Weather- 
man much better than they treated me; 
I mean, they give him new clothes and 
food, cigarettes—he was free to move 
about the camp. 

PLAYBOY: Is he still alive? 

GARWOOD: He's dead. 

PLAYBOY: How long was it before the 
next American POWS arrived? 

GARWOOD: Well, after about a month, 
there was Burns and then Corporal 
Zaltachy and Lance Corporal Hammond. 
PLAYBOY: Where were they imprisoned? 
GARWOOD: In the compound. 

PLAYBOY: And you were living outside 
the compound, right? 


GARWOOD: Right. But the week after 
Zaltachy and Hammond arrived, we all 
started out for the new camp. 

PLAYBOY: How long did it take you to 
get there? 

GARWOOD: A little better than a week. 
On the way to the camp, we met with 
two black American POWs. 

PLAYBOY: Who were they? 

GARWOOD: Willie Watkins, I believe was 
one, and Tom Davis. I'm not really sure. 
That was when I had my first contact 
with a weapon. We were going along, 
and I was carrying all the gear, rice and 
cooking utensils. There were four or 
five guards and one of them had one of 
these little machine-gun-type things—I 
think it was Chinese—and he stripped 
it down, took the ammo and the firing 
pin out and told me to carry it. 

It about freaked me out. At first, I 
wasn't going to carry it, because I 
thought that if we met some V.C. along 
the way, they'd think I was an American 


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on patrol and blow me away. But the 
guards just laughed and said no, no way. 
Y was scared shitless. But they thought it 
was hilarious. 

PLAYBOY: So you met Watkins and Davis. 
Did they see you carrying a weapon? 
GARWOOD: Yeah. They saw the weapon. 
The guards took the weapon from me, 
but I think it freaked the Americans out 
when they saw it. They asked me about 
it. I told them the guard told me to 
carry it, and I carried it. But they didn't 
like the idea, they thought 1 shouldn't 
have carried it. So I said, "What the fuck 
am I going to do, you know? I mean, 
hell, they're going to tell me what to 
do and I'm going to do it. I have no 
choice.” 

PLAYBOY: When did you arrive at the 
next camp? 

GARWOOD: About the middle of Febru- 
ary '68. 

PLAYBOY: Who was in the camp when 
you got there? 


GARWOOD: There was a lot of POWs—— 
PLAYBOY: All American POWs? 
GARWOOD: Right. 

PLAYBOY: Was that the camp in which 
most of the court-martial charges against 
you arose? 

GARWOOD: Yes. 

PLAYBOY: What was the physical condi- 
tion of the other Americans? Were they 
in good shape? 

GARWOOD: This was right after the Tet 
offensive. A couple of them had been 
shot up, but overall, their condition was 
pretty good. 

PLAYBOY: What were you doing then? 
GARWOOD: Nothing, really. When I ar- 
rived there, they showed me which 
hootch to live in, told me to stay there, 
let the camp commander come down and 
talk to me. After the evening meal— 
which they brought to me—the camp 
commander came down and told me that. 
the situation was much different than it 
was before and that any time I wanted 


to talk to any of the Americans, I would 
have to let him know personally. 
PLAYBOY: What kind of fellow was he? 
GARWOOD: The camp commander? He 
was hard-line, but he never got what 
you'd call ferocious. Just strict. Reason- 
able. I mean, he'd listen to you, but 
you'd better not get smart with him. 
PLAYBOY: When were you able to talk 
freely with the other Americans in the 
compound? 

GARWOOD: After about a month, I was 
actually allowed to go down there by 
myself, All the time I was there with the 
prisoners, there was always a guard, he'd 
come popping in and out, or he was 
standing right there. 

PLAYEOY: Were you helping to conduct 
interrogations? 

GARWOOD: Well, there was a first inter- 
rogation of a prisoner by the interpreter. 
"Then there was a second interrogation, 
which included the interpreter and the 


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93 


PLAYBOY 


94 


camp commander, and sometimes I was 
ordered to be there. 

PLAYBOY: What were they trying to find 
out? 

GARWOOD: Mainly, besides name, rank, 
serial number, they would ask if the 
prisoner had a family, what state he lived 
in, when he joined the Service, when he 
came to Vietnam, what unit he was with. 
PLAYBOY: What was the purpose of that 
interrogation? What did they really want 
to know? 

GARWOOD: Actually, nothing the POWs 
could have told them would have been 
of any value, as far as battlefield situa- 
tions, because most of them had been 
prisoners for two months or more. And 
anything that had to do with the battle- 
field situation would have changed dras- 
tically in a month—I mean, it changed 
from day to day. So, really, the only pur- 
pose of the interrogation itself was to 
find out who the hard-core people were, 
who were the easy ones, so they could 
segregate them and break them down. 
PLAYBOY: What was the attitude of the 
other American prisoners toward you? 
At least one soldier, named Port, had 
called you a traitor by then, isn't that 
right? 

GARWOOD: He did. He called me that. 
But Port was delirious. 

PLAYBOY: Did you consider you 
traitor? 

GARWOOD: At that point, no. It di: 
turbed me, yeah. And even when he said 
it, I looked toward the other Americans 
and nobody said anything. But then wc 
all just continued talking. 

PLAYBOY: During that period, did you 
still have the feeling that they might 
release you? 

GARWOOD: There was a slight hope—it 
was the only hope that I had. At that 
point, there was nobody I could turn to 
anymore. Ike wasn't there anymore—I 
used to be able to turn to Ike, but I 
couldn't turn to him no more. 

PLAYBOY: How about Grissett? 

GARWOOD: Grissett—Russ, he was get- 
ting rcally uptight. His mental stability 
was bad. He came to me several times to 
see if I had any influence at all, to try 
to get him out of the compound; he was 
going crazy. 

PLAYBOY: One of the charges you were 
convicted of is that you physically abused 
a fellow prisoner. When did that occur? 
GARWOOD: Well, it wasn't really physi- 
cal abuse. David Harker himself ac- 
knowledged that. 

PLAYBOY: Harker was the prisoner? 
GARWOOD: Yes. He testified at my court- 
martial that he didn't consider it any- 
thing other than an insult or something. 
PLAYBOY: What were the events leading 
up to the incident? 

GARWOOD: Well, Russ was taking the 
brunt of a beating by the Communists 
for killing a cat, the camp cat. 

PLAYBOY: Did they kill it to eat it? 


self a 


GARWOOD: Yes. And Russ had been sin- 
gled out to take the brunt of the punish- 
ment in which—well, two weeks later, 
he died from it. But, anyway, when I saw 
this—and I'm trying to picture in my 
mind what happened; I can’t really re- 
member exactly, you know—but I just 
went crazy when I saw Russ getting beat- 
en, and I rushed into the compound and 
there was nothing I could do. Harker 
was standing in the doorway of one of 
the hootches. I brushed him aside with 
the back of my hand, which he said 
mounted to a slap, to his rib cage or 
stomach. I went inside and said, 
“How the hell can you guys call your- 
selves Americans? Russ is out there get- 
ting beat. If you guys had stuck together, 
nothing would have happened.” And we 
just stared at each other, and there was 
silence, and I left. And two weeks later, 
Russ died. 

PLAYBOY: What about the charge that 
you verbally abused a Sergeant Buck 
Williams during one of the propaganda 
sessions? 

GARWOOD: Williams was a career man. 


“T just went crazy 
when I saw Russ 
getting beaten, and 


Trushed into the 
compound and there 
was nothing I could do.” 


He'd served in the Korean War. He was 
tough. I guess the propaganda session 
you're talking about was when he re- 
ferred to the South Vietnamese soldiers 
as ARVN. You weren't supposed to call 


them ARVN. You were supposed to 
call them puppets. 
So Ho decided to make an example 


out of Williams. Ho told me that for 
the good of the class, everybody was 
going to have to criticize Williams. Oth- 
erwise, they would discontinue the class 
and everybody would be in the dog- 
house. So they reconvened the class and 
eyerybody started criticizing Williams. 
‘Then Ho said something like that Wil- 
liams had been completely brainwashed 
by the capitalistic system and that he was 
hoping someday to retire on the blood 
of the Vietnamese people and stuff like 
that, Then Ho asked me, “Bobby, do 
you agree with thag” I said, “Yeah.” 
Then he made me repeat it to Wil- 
liams, too. But I apologized to him for 
it later. When Ho asked if you agreed 
ith him, you'd better the hell agree. 

PLAYBOY: Despite your explanations, 
you've been convicted of collaborating. 


Why do you think the other prisoners 
didn't collaborate—or do you think they 
did? Was your case special somehow? 
GARWOOD: Yes, I think my case was kind 
of special, because the Communists 
didn't release me іп 1973. If they'd re- 
leased me with all the other POWs, 
there would never have been a court- 
martial, Im sure of that. 

PLAYBOY: Why? Do you think other 
prisoners collaborated but weren't sin- 
gled out as you were for political—or 
other—reasons? 

GARWOOD: I don't know the real reason 
behind that, other than what I've heard 
and I've read. But I do know for a fact 
that there was a lieutenant colonel in 
the Marine Corps who came back in 
1973—I'm not going to give his name; 
its on record—but he had charges 
brought against him for mutiny, and 
several other very serious charges, more 
serious than mine. But his charges were 
dropped, and since then, he retired from 
the Marine Corps and he’s living a very 
respectable life, somewhere out in the 
West. There were numerous incidents 
like that. 

PLAYBOY: One of the witnesses against 
you at your court-martial described you 
as the “white Vietnamese,” referring to 
your personal habits while you were in 
the prison camp—the way you walked, 
laughed, squatted down in Oriental 
style. Is that true? 

GARWOOD: It's probably pretty accurate. 
"The psychiatrists who testified for me 
said it was part of my mental illness; 
that I unconsciously identified with the 
enemy, although I didn’t realize it at 
the time. 

PLAYBOY: When stories began appearing 
a couple of years ago that you were still 
alive, but before you were released from 
Vietnam, seyeral men claimed you had 
led Viet Cong troops in combat against 
American forces. What about that? 
GARWOOD: It’s totally untrue. And попе 
of those accusations was ever made 
against me formally—at the courtmar- 
tial—or even brought up in charges. One 
guy, for instance, stated he had seen me 
leading a band of Viet Cong or some- 
thing—but the man he described had 
blond hair and blue eyes. As you can 
sce, I'm certainly not blond and my eyes 
are brown, Besides, in all of those al- 
leged “sightings,” I couldn't have been 
where they said I was, because I was in 
the prison camp. 

PLAYBOY: To what do you attribute those 
allegations? 

GARWOOD: The frustrations of war, I 
guess. I suppose they wanted to sce some- 
body and 1 was a likely culprit. I don't 
think there was ever any American who 
led Viet Cong. If there had been, I 
probably would have heard about it 
through the jungle grapevine. 

PLAYBOY: There was another charge 


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PLAYBOY 


96 


made against you at the court-martial 
that you had gone out with the Viet 
Cong and used a bullhorn to urge Amer- 
ican troops to lay down their arms. 
GARWOOD: "That was totally untrue, too. 
Those charges were made, but only be- 
cause somebody allegedly said they over- 
heard me saying it to somebody else, or 
something like that. The only time I 
came into contact with a bullhorn was 
when they [the Viet Cong] had one of 
them and it didn't work and they told 
me to repair it. I looked at it and it 
was corroded and I told them to dean 
it up and it would probably work. All 
those charges were thrown out, but, 
damn, to hear some people tell it, I 
might have been running a bullhorn 
factory over there. 

PLAYBOY: Going back to the charge that 
you carried a weapon, you said earlier 
you'd carried a dismantled, unarmed 
weapon once; but how many times, ex- 
actly, did you carry a weapon? 

GARWOOD: I don't remember exactly— 
maybe five times. 

PLAYBOY: Why? 

GARWOOD: They told me to. At that 
point, I did pretty much whatever they 
told me to. If I'd refused, they'd have 
starved me to death or worse. That was 
the way it was. 

PLAYBOY: What about the charge that 
you used a weapon to guard Ameri- 
can prisoners? 

GARWOOD: That was the times they gave 
me the weapon and told me to carry it. 
It was a different weapon cach time 
and it was never loaded. I didn't realize 
what they were doing then, but they 
would give me the weapon and take me 
out on a trail and all of a sudden, we'd 
meet up with some new prisoners and 
the V.C. would say something like, “This 
is Bobby Garwood— see, if you'll be like 
him, you can get privileges," stuff like 
that. They always took the weapon away 
afterward. They were using me, but I 
didn't realize how much at the time. 
They were just using me. 

PLAYBOY: Didn't you ever consider that 
it was wrong, or treasonous, to carry a 
weapon belonging to the enemy? 
GARWOOD: No. I was trying to live. Be- 
sides, it wasn't hurting anybody. It 
wasn't cven loaded. 

PLAYBOY: What about the charge that 
you served as an interrogator for the 
Viet Cong against your fellow Ameri- 
cans? 

GARWOOD: That wasn't true, either. I 
did some interpreting, which means that 
І was a translator. I never interrogated 
anybody. Whenever the regular inter- 
preter wasn't there, they'd get me to 
translate for them. Most of the time, it 
was just simple stuff—somebody would 
go to the prison compound and want 
to ask a question and I'd translate it. I 


think I actually helped the guys in the 
compound, because I would translate the 
questions and answers fairly—Vietnam- 
ese isn’t an easy language, you know, 
and if somebody docs it wrong, some- 
body could get in a lot of trouble. I 
always tried to make it sound the best 
it could—translating American to Viet- 
namese. 

PLAYBOY: Were the other POWs aware 
of that? 

GARWOOD: Not all the time. I don't 
know. Some people blame me because 
I learned the language. Hell, Ike taught 
it to me, and a couple of times I tried to 
teach it to the other POWs. You had to 
know the damned language to survive, 
1 figured. Why is that such a crime? 
PLAYBOY: Another of the allegations 
against you was that you wore a Viet 
Cong uniform. What about that? 
GARWOOD: I didn't wear any Viet Cong 
uniform. I wore what they gave me to 
wear, because when I was captured, they 
stripped me to my skivvies. I had to wear 
something. So did everybody else. There 
was one accusation that I wore a badge, 
a "Ho Chi Minh pin," which they gave 


“Some people blame me 
because I learned the 
language. Hell, you had 
to know the damned lan- 
guage to survive, I figured. 
Why is that such a crime?" 


out to commemorate something—Liber- 
ation Day or something like that—but 
they gave them to everyone. Sure, I kept. 
it, and wore it on my clothes, because I 
used the pin part, the sharp part, to 
take stickers out of my fingers and stuff 
like that. It was like a tool, a needle— 
there was a lot of bamboo around there 
and I kept getting slivers in my fingers. 
PLAYBOY: You say you kept cooperating 
with the Viet Cong because they were 
going to release you. When they didn't, 
why didn't you rejoin the other Ameri- 
can prisoners in the compound? Did you 
even consider that? 

GARWOOD: Yes. I did. I got very frus- 
trated and very lonely. Especially the 
way they used me—kept making prom- 
ises and kept evading my questions—the 
Communists did. Every time I'd bring 
up the prospect of being released, they 
gave me We'll report to our 
superiors, won't be long," 
"It may be in progress," even—stuff like 
that. And I was getting very depressed 
and very lonely, especially by what I 
saw down the camp—the life and the 


environmental conditions of the other 
Americans. It was getting really bad. 
The POWs were at each other's throats 
and- 
PLAYBOY: There were approximately 15 
prisoners, correct? Of the 15 prisoners 
in that camp; how many died? 
GARWOOD: Approximately two thirds of 
them. 
PLAYBOY: How? 
GARWOOD: The Vietnamese let them die. 
Ot malnutrition and disease. 
PLAYBOY: Do you think the Vietnamese 
could have prevented that if they had 
given them better food and better medi- 
cine? 
GARWOOD: I feel that they could've, yes. 
PLAYBOY: Do you think the Vietnamese 
saw that those people were ill and that 
they were dying? 
GARWOOD: Definitely. You just didn't die 
overnight from that kind of thing. A 
week, two weeks or more— months. The 
Vietnamese always had excuses, you 
know. Saying it's so easy to die if a man 
wants to die, so let him die. 
PLAYBOY: It's the weak who die? 
GARWOOD: Yes, they said it's just so easy 
to die, here in the jungle. 
PLAYBOY: So they didn't seem concerned 
about the health of the prisoners? 
GARWOOD: Not to any extent. And this 
got to me. Because I visualized. myself 
back in that compound and, damn, I 
could have gotten some illness and, like 
the other POWs, the same damn thing 
would happen to me. A lot of POWs 
were being put in the ground, It could 
have been me. 
PLAYBOY: Were you getting better food, 
living where you were? 
GARWOOD: No, I was getting about the 
same ration as the other Americans. 
But at certain times, I did—not from the 
guards or from the camp but because of 
my ability with the language; I was able 
to ask the montagnards when they came 
by. I could plead with them, beg them, 
trade them for anything like sugar canc 
or a banana or something like that, and 
sometimes they'd give it to me. 
PLAYBOY: And were you able to steal 
from the guards? 
GARWOOD: Many times. 
PLAYBOY: Such as? 
GARWOOD: Eggs, a chicken, anything. I 
would have stolen anything. 
PLAYBOY: Were you allowed to leave the 
camp? 
GARWOOD: Well, there was one instance 
when they took me into a village. They 
gathered the village people and gave a 
big speech—it was on a Vietnamese holi- 
day. And they had me read a slogan say- 
ing the American people are in solidarity 
with proletariat Vietnamese people. 
Something like that. Then they ho'd 
three times and that was it. 
PLAYBOY: They did what three times? 
(continued on page 180) 


"n ` ix 


WHAT SORT OF MAN READS PLAYBOY? 


The sort who knows that parallel hammocks may meet. And that's the way he wants it to be. 
When relaxation coincides with isolation, he's against it; his version of the simple pleasures 
involves a spirited companion. He can dig the pastoral splend ring the giddy days of si 
mer, but he chooses not to dig it alone. In any season or setting, indoors or outdoors, he 

- knows the value of vitality. He invests in experience, and PLAYBOY is his best prospectus. 


Georgene led him lightly by one finger up- 
stairs to her bed... . When he worried about 
contraception, she laughed. Didn't Angela use 
Enovid yet? “Welcome,” she said, “to the post- 
pill paradise." 

—JOHN UPDIKE, "Couples" 


НЕ POST-PILL paradise. 
In 1960, Enovid-10, the first oral contracep- 
tive for women, was introduced to America. 
The drug-obsessed society that spent billions 
of dollars a year on prescriptions soon called Enovid 
the pill, as if it were the only pill. It was seen, in 
that innocent era, as the solution to that one big 
worry posed by sex. 

By 1965, 15.3 percent of married American women 
aged 15 to 44 used one or another of the prolif 
erating oral contraceptives. Enovid, Ortho-Novum, 
Norlestrin, Norinyl, Provest, C-Quens, Oracon: The 
names of the products had the paradoxical antique- 
futuristic ring of knights and lords in a science-fiction 
romance (“Quick, Norinyl, fire the laser.” “They'll 
never catch us in this time warp, Oracon!"). Comic- 
book names with the echo of Latin, cut off from our 
common vocabulary—and yet somehow familiar in 
their alien sounds, because they had the same catchy 
semiscientific resonance as all the other drugs we 
took, which, like the pill, were more trusted than 
understood. 

By 1970, 22.3 percent of married American women 
aged 15 to 44 were using oral contraceptives. By 


BEYOND THE PILL 


it was supposed to be the ideal contraceptive, but then we 
discovered its little secrets. so where do we go from here? 


article By DAVID BLACK 


1973, with 25.1 percent, the pill was entrenched as 
the contraceptive of choice. The next most popular 
method, the condom, was used by only 9.4 percent. 
The diaphragm was preferred by only 2.4 percent. 
The pill dominated the sexual heavens, as amazing 
as a second sun that had just appeared in the sky. 
People basked in the glow. 

“The pill was a blessing,” says Margo, a woman 
who started taking it in 1972. “It really agreed with 
me. 1 used to have heavy periods, always a problem. 
The pill regulated them. They were lighter. My 
skin cleared up. But most of all, I could relax. 
"There was no more of that worry every month: Am 
I pregnant? That constant low-level stress. It used 
to drive me absolutely crazy. Before taking the pill, 
whenever I went to bed with a man—whether we 
used a condom or a diaphragm—1 assumed the 
worst. Just so I would be prepared if the worst 
happened. And 1 lay there while we were making 
love, thinking, Is this worth it? Is it worth getting. 
pregnant? The pleasure of the moment always had 
to be measured. against my whole future, So, of 
course, it never seemed . . . enough. 

“The first time I made love after taking the pill, 
out of habit, I started going through that old rou- 
tine: Is it worth it? And, suddenly, I realized that 
the question no longer made any sense. I wasn't 
going to get pregnant. 

“Then something incredible struck me. Something 
really scary, but exciting, too. I realized that, before 
the pill, I had this narrow idea of the kind of men 


100 


A eu Ee لا‎ 
THE PROTECTION QUESTION 


the renewed debate over 
who's responsible for 
contraception can turn a 
one-night stand into an 
all-night standoff 


f women were able to shed their 

inhibitions because of the pill 
revolution, men were able to shed 
their responsibilities for contracep- 
tion. But now that the pill is known 
more for its health risks than for 
its efficacy, we've reached another 
crossroads: In that all-important 
subject of who's taking care of the 
protection, the sexes are back to 
the negotiating table. 

“Sometimes,” says Johanna, "I'll 
mect a man at a party and he'll ask 
whether I want to stay with him 
that night. If I do, ГЇЇ say, ‘Sure. 
But I didn’t come expecting to stay 
with anyone, so I'm not prepared; 
what do you propose to do?" 

“He'll е me a blank look. 
Shock, And he'll say, "What do you 
mean, don't you have a diaphragm?" 
It’s amazing how many men never 
are ready to negotiate.’ 

Maybe you can understand Jo- 
hanna's amazement. After all, this 
is the same generation of guys who, 
as teenagers, molded condoms into 
their wallets in confident allegiance 
to the Boy Scout motto “Be pre- 
pared.” Now women carry condoms. 

Robert says, “I always ask early 
on, ‘Are you using birth control?” If 
she's not, I drop it. I won't use rub- 
bers—they interrupt my foreplay, 
afterplay and my sensitivity during 
sex, so I'd just as soon skip it. But 
you've got to be brave enough to ask 
before you get to the bedroom or the 
back seat—it’s too late then.” 

One eminent scientist suggests 
that since women have to deal with 
pregnancy and birthing, men might 
logically be obliged to deal with 
prevention—sort of a yin-yang ap- 
proach. That philosophy was put 
to a courtroom test recently when 
a California man sued a woman for 
claiming she was using the pill be- 
fore going to bed with him. She got 
pregnant and had the baby. The 


man asked the court to order her 
to pay $100,000 for his mental ag- 
ony and distress, not to mention 
the childsupport payments. The 
court claimed that the man could 
have taken some responsibility him- 
self and that by making any ruling, 
the court would be guilty of inva- 
sion of privacy. In other words, 
you're on your own, buddy. 

In stable relationships, the po- 
tential for bitter debate is often 
greater than in casual sex. The im- 
plications of that debate give it an 
urgency like no others likely to con- 

‘ont a couple. 

I had a real problem with the 
pill" says Alan. "I kept having 
visions of Joan with a clot and 
getting paralyzed 

“It was difficult,” says Joan. “Be- 
fore Alan, the other men I had 
been with didn't much care what 
I used—as long as / used something. 
If contraception came up, they'd 
say, ‘If you get pregnant, you can 
always get an abortion.’ I didn’t 
want to get pregnant. | resented 
them for not caring. 

It's possible that if a couple can 
get through the contraception de- 
bate, they can get through anything. 
In fact, one counselor thinks that 
the problem-solving skills learned 
in the high-stakes birth-control 
sweeps can offer hints on how to 
solve more gencral vexations. 

But if the woman quoted below 

any indication, the bottom line 
of all this talk is that American men 
are going to have to reassess their 
place in this contraception hassle: 
"I'm so sick of being responsible. 
But the trouble is, there just aren't. 
any good male methods. Even if 
there were a male pill, you'd never 
be sure he really took it. 

“The ideal method would be a 
male pill that turned his penis green 
when it was safe." — —DAVID BLACK. 


Га go out with—just in case I got 
knocked up. I wanted the father to be— 
I don't know— good genes, good circum: 
stances, family, status. Just in case. 

“And it suddenly hit me that, since 
I wasn't going to get pregnant, I could 
date anyone—even guys I would never 
in the world want to be the father of 
my children. Anyone. That may not 
sound like much, but for me back then, 
it was like escaping. Like I had been 
locked up in this country dub all my 
life and I had finally broken out into 
the real world." 

"Ehe real world sustained such attacks 
by the millions, and the effects of the 
sudden tilt toward sexual anarchy are 
still hotly debated. Of the dozens of 
researchers interviewed for this article, 
some denied that the pill had anything 
to do with the sexual revolution of the 
past couple of decades; some even de 
nied that there had been a sexual rev- 
olution. One inscrutably claimed that 
the sexual revolution had occurred dec- 
ades ago—possibly hundreds of years 
ago—and its effects had taken years to 
reach us. 

But despite the conflicting opinions, 
it seems safe—at least relatively sale—to 
say that in the past 20 years, there have 
been changes in how Americans deal 
with sexuality. For example, the age of 
first intercourse has dropped; there is 
more divorce; and there is certainly 
more talk about sex. Those changes have 
been influenced in part by changing 
habits of contraception. 

“Following World War Two, alter the 
baby boom was over, it became clear 
that, given the new contraceptives and 
the increased availability of the old 
methods, it was possible to have sex 
without consequences,” says Dr. Henry 
Grunebaum, associate professor of psy- 
chiatry at Harvard Medical School. 
“And I think that—however you want to 
describe it—led to a sexual revolution. 

The pill paradise lasted about ten 
years. Like zealots in other revolutions, 
women remained loyal to the cause only 
until the cause let them down. In the 
late Sixties, reports started coming out 
linking oral contraceptives to blood clots 
and cancer. Women started reassessing 
their liberator. 

The pill, it turned out, might under 
certain circumstances cause a smorgas- 
bord of side effects, some dangerous and 
some not: acne (as well as cleared-up 
skin), anxiety, appetite change, asthma, 
benign liver tumors, birth defects, bleed- 
ing gums, blood clots in the brain, eyes, 
heart, legs, lungs, pelvic area, bleeding ir- 
regularities, cancer of the breast, cerv 
ovaries, pituitary, uterus and vagina (in 
animals) and of the cervix, liver and sl 
(in humans), cataracts, chemical diabetes, 


(ee EEE ON CDANUENEOREN 
IS THERE A MALE PILL IN YOUR FUTURE? 


a quick look at some birth-control ideas 


he methods of contraception dis- 

cussed in Beyond the Pill are all 
currently in use somewhere in some- 
what significant numbers. Mean- 
while, however, a whole new 
generation of contraceptives now in 
the development stage perks away on 
the back burner: improved barri 
methods, improved systemic meth- 
ods and some that don't fit easily 
into those two categories. Each of 
the three categories can be led 
into male or female methods. And 
the picture is further complicated by 
a certain amount of crossover, both 
in the substances used as contracep- 
tives and in the delivery systems 
used to carry those substances. 

Roughly, these future methods 
can be defined as follows: 

Female barrier methods include 
the collagen sponges (which are in- 
serted like diaphragms, look like 
ovals of muenster cheese and tend to 
be uncomfortable), disposable dia- 
phragms (which, obviously, would 
make the diaphragm companies hap- 
ру); molded cervical caps (indi 
ually made by taking an impression 
of the woman's cervix, a method 
that is rapidly picking up support, 
particularly among feminists); and 
C-film (which looks like lens paper 
and is draped over a woman's va- 
gina before each sex act). 

Male barrier methods are varia- 
tions on a familiar theme: dissoly- 
ing spermicidal condoms, ultrasheer 
collagen condoms, hydroph 
ed condoms (which promote heat 
sensitivity and therefore may be 
more satisfying). 

Male nonbarrier and nonsystemic 
methods indude two ideas for pre- 


still in the incubation stage 


venting the production of sperm: 
subjecting the testes to ultrasound 
(frequencies above 17,000 cycles per 
second) and hot water. Special Jock- 
ey shorts might also prevent sperm 
production by heating the testes. 

Reversible sterilization (which in- 
volves for men implanting a valve 
in the vas deferens and for women 
using a Fallopian-tube plug) seems— 
with its valves and plugs—to view 
the human reproduction system as 
plumbing. Another method, chem- 
ical sterilization, uses the contracep- 
tive equivalent of anti-Drano. It 
clogs the pipes—permanently. 

Female systemic methods use hor- 
monal steroids (such as those found 
in the pill), which are injected, swal- 
lowed, implanted (in tiny tubes and 
microcapsules and threads) or worn 
(in the vagina and around the 
wrist). Often the steroids are admin- 
istered in lower doses than in the pill 
or in ways that bypass the digestive 
system and the liver and so may 
have fewer dangerous side effects. 

Some methods, such as vaginal 
rings, might be used as a once-a- 
month procedure: A woman puts 
the ring in her vagina and it grad- 
ually releases the steroids over a 
three-week period; then she takes out 
the ring to allow for menstruation. 
In another method, implants insert- 
ed under the skin of the forearm or 
buttock would gradually release 
their steroids, preventing pregnancy 
for three to five years. 

Female systemic methods may also 
use peptides, compounds that may 
be less dangerous than the steroids 
and just as effective. Sniffed or in- 
jected, they inhibit ovulation. Theo- 


retically, the same compounds could 
be used in men to reduce sperm 
production, but, according to Dr. 
Andrew V. Schally of Tulane Uni- 
versity, whose work in the area won 
him a Nobel Prize, “We're planning 
to use them at present only in wom- 
en, because we don’t haye enough 
studies to see if they would decrease 
sperm count without decrea li- 
bido. We're alraid they woul 
Male systemic methods tend to be 
treated less optimistically than fe- 
male systemic methods, though both 
are based on the same research: work 
with steroids and peptides, vaccina- 
tions and sniffs. Instead of blocking 
ovulation, however, male methods 
prevent production of sperm, matu- 
y of sperm or motility of sperm. 
The relatively gloomy view of 
male systemic contraceptives is due 
in part to the difficulty of reducing 
production of sperm without reduc- 
ing libido. There are also obvi 
problems in "delivery" (a woman 
can insert a ring that releases con- 
traceptive substances into her va- 
gina more easily than a man can 
insert something into his penis or— 
ouch!—his testes). 
Yet another problem is the hard. 
lesson we've learned with the female 
t think males will take a 
ys Dr. A. F. Parlow of. 
uitary Hormones Center of 
zeneral Hospital, Torrance, 
I wouldn't. As an endo- 
crinologist, under no circumstances 
would I allow my hormonal chemis- 
try to be molested by a preparation 
that has wide-ranging effects beyond. 
the specific one of inhibiting sper- 
matogenesis.” —рв. 


101 


PLAYBOY 


102 


cholesterol- and triglyceride-level in- 
creases, contactlens intolerance, cramps, 
dizziness, epilepsy, eye lesions, fatigue, 
gallbladder disease, growth of already 
existing fibrous tumors of the uterus, 
hair loss on the head and gain on the 
face, heart disease, herpes susceptibility, 
high blood pressure, infertility (perma- 
nent), jaundice, kidney disease, libido 
changes, menstrual-cycle changes, mental 
depression, migraines, nausea, anxiety, 
rash, reduction of wax in the ears, spotty 
darkening of the skin, stroke, swollen 
ankles, tender breasts, thromboembolism, 
thrombophlebitis, thyroid disorders, tub- 
al pregnancies (in progestogen-only pills), 
more frequent urination, vascular disease 
(other than thromboembolisms), varicose 
veins, vaginitis, venereal-disease suscepti- 
vitamin deficiency, vomiting and 
weight gain or loss. 

Package inserts for oral contraceptives, 
dense with text and printed in the tiny 
type that announces by its inaccessibility 
the pinstripe gray seriousness of the cor- 
poration lawyer, read like contracts. 
Now we find that, in fact, they are con- 
tracts, contracts any woman who uses 
the pill makes with her own flesh. 

Suddenly, the pill, in its thoroughly 
modern pastel designer case, is no longer 
the benign nightstand decoration it once 
Kicking the habit has been a 
screwy, haunting dilemma: Are you will- 
ing to sacrifice your body for the cool, 
carefree efficiency of the pill? (Some 
women hated to give it up because it 
made their breasts swell.) Or do you 
sacrifice a fraction of a percentage point 
of efficiency and the convenience of tak- 
ing it with your morning vitamin? 

Significant numbers of women have 
also found that their gynecologists have 
little regard for their fears. "When I 
started hearing the scare stories, I went 
to my doctor," says a woman who later 
allowed her pill prescription to run out. 
“He said that since I wasn't overweight, 
didn't smoke and had no bleeding symp- 
toms, I had nothing to worry about. I 
mentioned the broken capillaries that 
had developed in my legs. He got impa- 
tient, really angry. I was wasting his 
time—didn't I trust him? He disi zi 
it all as women's-magazine hysteria and 
made me feel embarrassed to ever bring 
itup again." 


was. 


б 

Critics and advocates of the pill argue 
about the evidence and the interpreta- 
tion of the evidence. Some defenders of 
the pill claim that if more users than 
nonusers get malignant melanoma, it is 
because pill users tend to be women who 
lie for hours in skimpy bathing suits in 
the sun—that it's the sun, and these 
women's lifestyle, that causes malignant. 
melanoma. Or defenders of the pill may 


assert that if users get cervical cancer 
more frequently than nonusers, it is not 
because they use the pill but because 
they do not use condoms, which protect 
women from the viruses that may cause 
cervical cancer. Or defenders of the pill 
may point out that there are some indi- 
cations users get breast cancer not more 
but less frequently than nonusers. 

The crosscurrents of thinking on the 
subject finally erupted last October when 
preliminary results from a multimillion- 
dollar 12year study of pill risks were 
released to the public. The report, done 
at Kaiser-Permanente Medical Center in 
Walnut Creek, California, carried news 
from the study's authors, Drs. Savitri 
Ramcharan and Frederick Pellegrin, that 
pill health risks are “negligible.” Sens- 
ing a good thing, G. D. Searle & Co., 
a huge pill manufacturer, financed a 
publicrelations campaign to spread the 
word. Slick press kits were sent out; only 
some identified the Searle connection. 
In true David-and-Goliath fashion, the 
National Women's Health Network, a 
nonprofit group, tried to counter Dr. 
Ramcharan's conclusions by stressing the 
actual seriousness of the findings. Per- 
haps Searle should have looked beyond 
KRamcharan's remarks, because her study 
really confirms most of the previous 
maladies attributed to the pill: changes 
in blood pressure, blood clotting and 
sugar metabolism, higher risk of suicide 
among pill users; increased risk of eye, 
gastrointestinal, urinary and vaginal dis- 
orders and greater risk of a special kind 
of stroke called subarachnoid hemor- 
rhage. The report bears out the suspect- 
ed cancer/pill link, Of the five women 
under the age of 40 in the study who 
died of cancer, all of them were pill 
users. Higher rates of skin, lung and 
cervical cancer were found among users. 
Ramcharan supplies the usual set of 
rationalizations to absolve the pill: 
Women with cervical cancer are more 
promiscuous; women with skin cancer 
sun-bathe more; and women with lung 
cancer may smoke more. In the same 
vein, Ramcharan suspects “diagnostic 
errors” by doctors to explain away in- 
creased blood clots among pill users. 

Despite what the drug companies— 
several of which helped fund the Kaiscr- 
Permanente study—would have us think, 
it appears that neither we nor the pill is 
home free. Arguing the merits of a par- 
ticular symptom’s relationship to the 
pill is a way of avoiding the obvious 
conclusion: It is like arguing about 
the precise number of megadeaths in the 
moment between ground zero of the 
bomb and the blast wave. Even if only 
опе tenth of the symptoms were directly 
related to pill use, the lesson learned 
would be valid: The pill is not the per- 


fectly safe, perfectly effective contracep- 
tive that it was touted to be. 

Learning that desultory lesson has 
produced a reversal in female thinking. 
Whereas women used to proclaim their 
right to use the pill (remember demon- 
strations in front of campus health 
clinics?), many now proclaim their right 
not to, forcing a new look at contracep- 
tion and a new role for men in choosing 
a contraceptive. 

Even a longtime pill advocate such as 
Dr. Elizabeth B. Connell, the former 
research project coordinator of North- 
western University's Program for Applied 
Research on Fertility Regulation, admits 
down. "It's not been a dra- 
she says, "but it’s been a slow 
drop. There are particular individuals 
who are less apt to be using the pill now 
than they were in the past: the over-30 
group, since new data has come out about 
smoking and cardiovascular problems and 
pill use, and the teenage-to-early-20s 
group, because of a growing anxiety on 
their part about side effects—much of 
which is based on reality but a considera- 
ble amount of which is based on fears that 
have so far no basis in fact." 

By 1976, pill use among American 
women 15 to 44 had dropped to 22.3 
percent. From 1975 through 1978, there 
was a decline of 23 percent in the num- 
ber of pill prescriptions filled by re- 
tail pharmacies—from — 64,000,000 to 
49,000,000. In those four years, retail 
pharmacy sales of one of the most pop- 
ular oral contraceptives, Ortho-Novum, 
dropped an astonishing 49 percent. 

б 

When the first doubts about the pill 
began circulating, “some women," ас 
cording to Dr, Connell, “went for a time 
to the LU.D., especially the second gen- 
eration of smaller, medicated LU.D.s." 
Small devices made out of copper or plas- 
tic, LU.D.s look like mutated zodiac 
signs: the Saf-T-Coil, Aries with ingrown 
horns; the Lippes Loop, Leo with a long 
tail. Placed in the uterus, they set up 
conditions that prevent conception; no 
one knows exactly how. At first, they 
promised to be as perfectly safe and 
perfectly effective as the pill had once 
seemed. By the early Seventies, women 
blithely were wearing them as internal 
charms, gynecological rabbits’ feet. In 
1973, 6.7 percent of American women 
aged 15 to 44 used LU.D.s—compared 
with 5 percent in 1970 and only .7 
percent-in 1965. 

But, like the pill, LU.D.s betrayed 
their promise. In 1974, one of the most 
popular I.U.D.s, the Dalkon Shield, was 
withdrawn from the market because of its 
link to serious pelvic infection. Studies 
have shown LU.D.s can cause anemia, 
cramps, hemorrhages, pain, spotting, 

(continued on page 112) 


“Why didn't we think of that? A coxperson!” 


= сы ml 


104 


a film that captures the 
elusive eroticism of flowering womanhood 


ender Cousins 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY DAVID HAMILTON 


Above, in a key shot from “Tender Cousins,” German actress Anja Shute (left), who plays Julia, shares a quiet moment 
with Madeleine—one of the maids in the movie. At right, a shot that was impossible to film because of the physical 
problems of lighting the room properly. “We would have had to tear the room down to film it,” Hamilton told us later. 


OFT DREAMS, sweet dreams. Filled with the smooth and 

fragrant skins of delicately perspiring young girls: the 

flutter of their breath as they toss and stretch against 
rumpled sheets, their slender thighs aching with a timeless 
heat that the night breeze cannot assuage. That is the world 
of David Hamilton. 

And in the world of photography, David Hamilton's vision 
is unique. Ever since the appearance of his first photographs 
in 1969 in the German magazine Twen, Hamilton has ex- 
plored, perhaps more thoroughly than any other modem 
photographer, the nostalgic theme of childhood love and 


sexual awakening. He was raised by his mother and sisters, 
and no doubt his predilection for creating a soft, feminine 
universe stems partly from those early years. No modern 
photographer has surpassed Hamilton's photographic por- 
traits of emerging womanhood. 

His approach contrasts with that of, say, Helmut Newton— 
another world-famed photographer who specializes in studies 
of the female form. Newton's world is harsh; his street-wise 
subjects are not uncommonly fettered. Hamilton's universe 
is a gentler one; his nymphets are prisoners only of their 
own innocence. Someone once called Newton the Marquis 


106 


de of modern photography; if he is, then Hamilton is the genre's Frank Harris. 

He chooses to photograph the fairest, most delicately featured, unself-conscious girls he can 
find. He dresses them simply, surrounds them with subtle illumination and then captures on 
film the innocent eroticism of their artless though utterly captivating postures. Although he 
usually shoots his sensitive tableaux in southern France, he often journcys to Sweden in search 
of models, “because Scandinavian girls are uncomplicated and very natur 


they don't have 


At right, maids Madeleine and Matilda 
gossip in the hayloft. Julien, tired of 

waiting for Julia to change her mind, 
recently lost his virginity there with one of 
the other maids. The girls imagine what may 
have taken place during Julien’s first hay ride. 


At left, Julia’s personal maid helps her dry off. 

In the film, Julia’s younger cousin Julien develops 
a mad crush on her, but she does not respond 

to his attentions. Right after this scene, he barges 
in and sees her nude for the first time. The 

event leaves him embarrassed. He'll learn. 


J, in a scene not in the movie, Julia lan- 
s in а classical pose. Hamilton confess 
nany of these shots depict scenes that I 
ioned for the movie, but, given the exigen- 
cies of the weather and budget and so forth, I was 
not able to recapture them all for the film.” 


At lejt, Julia’s personal maid is caught mid-bath 
while Julia relaxes in her half tub. Julien, jealous 
of their shared intimacies, then walks in on them. 


Hamilton is, of course, famous for shots such as the one above. Despite the specific 


project he is working on, all h 


accompany his exploration of the паї e 


work involves the same set of aesthetic goals that 
from innocence—as this tableau attests. 


This is another of Hamilton's special moments that 
had to be left on the cutting-room floor. He confided: 
“Making a movie isn’t just showing a lot of pretty pictures.” 


complexes about their bodies.” 

Hamilton has made thre 
: Bilitis, an “а 

starring Patti 
D'Arbanville (featured in a 
May 1977 ргАүвоү pictorial 
photographed by Hamilton 
titled Our Lady D'Arbanville 
Laura: Les Ombres de L'Eté; 
and now Tender Cousins. 
These pictures are from the 
preproduction studies and the 
still-camera work from that 


classic 


sins is about a 

y, Julien, who falls 

hopelessly and morosely in 
love with his cousin Julia dur 
ing a summer at the family 
country house. Julia, played 
by German actress Anja Shute, 
pays very little attention to 
him. She only has eyes for her 
older sisters boyfriend, а 
handsome young officer. It is 
the beginning of the summer 
of 1939 and France is prepar- 
ing for war. When all the men 
in the village go off to fight, 


Julien finds himself, suddenly, the only man in this 
collection of beautiful women. And he learns the 
special responsibilities and rewards that situation can 
offer. One of them is his introduction to sex, given by 
an obliging and beautiful housemaid. His spirits, as 
one could expect, brighten. Even Julia begins to act 
differently toward him. Tender Cousins, due out in 
the United States soon (and also in book form, with 
text by Pascal Laine), promises to be even more popu- 
lar than Bilitis (which was one of the most successful 
French films of 1977). 

But more than that, Tender Cousins is Hamilton's 
most beautifully photographed film, and probably the 
truest reflection of his inner landscape. “For m 

y that beauty be very soft. 


At left, Julia is caught in an old-masterly manner. 
“You can see why great artists achicved such sim- 
plicity,” Hamilton explains. “They were broke, If 


Van Gogh had been rich, I suspect his paintings 
would have looked and felt completely different. 
There are a lot of good thing; gs about simplicity." 


"This is one of a series of shots I took while involved 
in the preproduction of ‘Tender Cousins’ I 

didn’t even have a script at that point. I had only 
the title and a sense of the look and ambience 

that I wanted from the film. Julia and Madeleine 
here evoke the feeling I wanted to record.” 


PLAYBOY 


BEYOND THE PILL 


(continued from page 102) 


“No one can afford to be embarrassed. Today’s up- 
heaval in contraceptive habits forces people to tal. 


uterine and cervical perforations and, 
most seriously, pelvic inflammatory dis- 
ease that can lead to permanent sterility 
or death. In fact, women who use I.U.D.s. 
are two to four times more likely to 
suffer pelvic inflammatory disease than 
those who do not. 

"I had a Dalkon Shield,” says Peggy. 
"I started. having these terrible pains. 
Terrible. I went to the hospital and 
they appendicitis. 1 said, no, 1 knew 
it wasn’t appendicitis. So I went to my 
gynecologist and I was right; it was the 
LU.D. He took it out. Гус never felt 
pain like that before.” 

Between 1973 and 1976, the percent- 
age of women using 1.U.D.s spiraled 
downward from 6.7 to 6.1—and there is 
evidence that in the past five years, the 
drop has been even more significant. 
Another lesson learned. 

And now that the wonders of chem- 
istry (the pill) and technology (the 
LU.D. look increasingly malevolent, 
more traditional methods of contracep- 
tion are enjoying renewed popularity. 
The condom and the diaphragm have 
returned like royalty from exile. In 1978, 
condom sales started to climb by about 
12 percent a year. Diaphragm sales also 
rose—from 503,000 in 1975 to 1,205,000 
in 1978, a startling 140 percent increase 
in only three years. 

Attitudes have changed from the old 
skulk and blush of the Fifties, when con- 
doms were palmed from hand to hand 
as though they contained microdots of 
defense secrets being passed from spy to 
spy. In 1955, the Schmid Company fi- 
nally got permission to discreetly display 
Ramses, the first public display in Amer- 
ica; but 20 years passed before condoms 
Jeft the pharmacist's drawer for the shelf. 

Even their names are bolder. Instead 
of evoking the classical past and ancient 


the new names designate erotic play: 
Fiesta, Excita, Stimula. They're shaped, 
ribbed, studded and colored (inciden- 
tally, the racial fantasies of at least two 
cultures can be gauged by condom use: 
In Sweden, black is the most popular 
color; in Kenya, it's white). 

Due to FDA restrictions, American 
condoms are not yet as sensitive as their 
Japanese counterparts, which are u 
ner by half. Philip Harvey, former direc- 
tor of Population Services International, 
says that reducing the thickness of Ameri- 
can condoms by one half would mean an 
increase of only one additional preg- 


112 nancy for every 2,500,000 to 5,000,000 


incidents of intercourse. We suffer by 
binding our pleasure to our paranoia. 

Actually, the current. effectiveness of 
American condoms is greater than most. 
people realize, Condoms used with 
spermicidal foams have a theoretical 
effectiveness of better than 99 percent. 
Diaphragms used with spermicidal gel 
have a theoretical effectiveness of 97 
percent. Pills have a theoretical effective- 
ness of 99,7 percent and I.U.D.s of 97-99 
percent. Theoretically, then, condoms 
can be almost as effective as pills and 
more effective than LU.D.s; diaphragms 
are virtually as effective as ILU.Ds. 

The key word is theoretically. Unfor- 
tunately, theoretical effectiveness can 
lead to real pregnancies. But just as 
condoms can pop and diaphragms slip, 
pills can pass through women undigested 
and, if passion can pre-empt caution 
(aroused couples ignoring condoms in 
their giddy lust), so can absent-minded- 
s left behind on vacations or 
forgotten during weekend romances). 

When actual use effectiveness is com- 
pared, pills (90-98 percent) and LU.D.s 
(95 percent) turn out to be no more 
effective than condoms used with spermi- 
cides (90-95 percent)—and only margin- 
ally more effective than condoms used 
alone (90 percent) and diaphragms used 
with spermicides (87 percent). There 
even is some evidence that among highly 
motivated women who have been taught 
how to use diaphragms properly, dia- 
phragm effectiveness (95-98.1 percent in 
this case) may be equal to that of pills 
or LU.D.s. 

Admittedly, there are problems. Con- 
doms break. “I'd be pumping away,” 
says one condom veteran, “and all of a 
sudden my girlfriend would say, ‘Hey, 
something feels a lot better.'" It's not 
difficult to see why they resisted jumping 
out of bed to put on a new one. 

Women using diaphragms complain 
that the romance goes out the window 
when they have to insert the thing ahead 
of time. A diaphragm user's lament: “If 
I want to make love tonight, I'll put in 
the diaphragm ahead of time. Then, if 
nothing happens, if he turns over and 
goes to sleep, I'll be upset. So 1 finally 
said, ‘I've had it. From now on, you just 
tell me and I'll prepare.’ But that's so 
unromantic and it just gets everything 
off sync. 

Effectiveness and convenience aside, 
few questions had ever seriously been 
raised about the safety of using the dia- 


phragm. But this past spring, the Boston 
Collaborative Drug Surveillance Pro- 
gram at the Boston University Medical 
Center reported the results of a study 
indicating that women who become preg- 
nant while using spermicides—foams, 
creams, suppositories and gels—may be 
more likely than nonusers to bear chil- 
dren with serious birth defects. The 
is not conclusive, but even the sug- 
n of such a serious side effect can't 
help but cause many people to forgo—at 
least for the time being—the effective- 
ness edge their spermicides gave them. 
Without spermicidal gel, of course, the 
diaphragm is virtually useless. 


б 

If the pill and the LU.D. tend to 
separate the sex act from contraception, 
condoms and diaphragms tend to focus 
attention on the genitals. Before the 
liberalizing of sexual attitudes, that fo- 
cusing of attention often led to embar- 
rassinent. But now, no one can afford to 
be embarrassed. "Today's upheaval іп 
contraceptive habits forces people to 
talk, and there's plenty to talk about: Is 
the responsibility of contraception a 
power or a burden? And whose power 
or burden is it, his or hers? In the Fif- 
ties, when there was ло discussion, men 
were supposed to be responsible, no 
wallet complete without its condom. In 
the Sixties and early Seventies, women 
were supposed to be responsible, on the 
pill or using an LU.D. Today, particu- 
larly among those who practice casual 
sex, neither the man nor the woman can 
assume his or her partner is prepared; 
they must negotiate. 

"I'm not sure what the power implica- 
tions of the whole thing are,” says Dr. 
Ira Reiss of the University of Minnesota, 
one of the country's leading sociologists 
of sexual behavior. “In a way, if a wom- 
an can get a man to use the condom 
because she doesn't want to take the risk 
of using the pill, then she has the power. 
On the other hand, you could argue that. 
anyone who controls contraception is in 
the power position because he's con- 
trolling the lil ood of pregnancy. So 
the answer really is in how that contra- 
ceptive method got decided on, not just. 
who's using it—whether it's the pill for 
the woman or the condom for the man. 
The power is more a matter of using a 
technique that both parties want or of 
using a technique that one party is 
imposing on the other.” 

This is the first hint of what the fu- 
ture of contraception might involve: 
bringing out even more into the open 
the struggle between the sexes that some- 
times makes fucking seem like a fight 
between competing biologics—the viscer- 
ally conservative (one egg released once 
a month) and the viscerally prodigal 

(continued on page 194) 


Forecast for summer: surfing, sail- 
ing and poolside maneuvers in the 
parching sun . . . followed by bour- 
bon coolers. Bourbon coolers? Abso- 
lutely, old chum! "They're brisk and 
beguiling; definitely different from 
the ubiquitous gin or vodka 'n' tonic. 
You'll get a lot more zip per sip and 
strike a blow for liberty, too. Bourbon 
is America's national spirit, so decreed 
by a solemn act of. Congress in 1964. 
And, until rather recently, it was the 
popular year-round —potion—right 
across the calendar. 

If the idea of bourbon in July is a 
stopper, think of the renowned mint 
julep—coolest of the cool—based on 
bourbon, of course. The traditional 
bourbon highball, splashed with 
branch water or soda, also boasts a 
long, honorable history of cooling 
fevered brows and giving solace to 
distinguished statesmen as well as 
rank-and-file citizens. Bourbon offers 
distinctive taste. That depth of flavor 
performs a special function in long 
summer drinks. Because of its more 
intense flavor, bourbon stands up 
well to the inevitable dilution from 
melting ice. It also contributes its 
own singular savor, adding subtlety 
and favor to drinks. The pale spirits 
tend to be neutral, losing their iden- 
tities somewhat in the mix—whether 
it be orange, pincapple, grape, to- 
mato or passion fruit. That muted 
quality is, of course, their attraction, 
too. 

As with other distillers, bourbon 
producers have benefited from techno- 
logical advances, and today's bourbons 
are lighter, smoother, cleaner and, 
therefore, more blendable, They're 
compatible with many of the familiar 
ices and sodas used with other 


If you haven't tried bourbon cool- 
ers lately, you may be depriving 
yourself of a delightful sensuous ex- 
perience. Give them a chance—start- 
ing with the recipes that follow. 


BOURBON CHILL 


Ту ozs. bourbon 

Y oz. cherry liqueur (or sloe gin) 

Lime wedge 

3 to 4 ozs. cola, chilled 

Pour bourbon and liqueur over ice 
in tall glass. Squeeze lime into glass; 
add rind; stir well. Add cola; stir 
quickly. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD [ZU 


in the cool of the 
evening or the 
hottest part of the day, 
sip into something 
tall and frosty 
made with bourbon 


whiske 
SUMME 


drink 
By EMANUEL GREENBERG 


BOURBON SNAP 


11% ozs. bourbon 

34 oz. peppermint schnapps 

1 large scoop chocolate ice cream 

14 cup crushed ice (optional) 

Club soda, chilled 

Prechill blender container and large 
goblet. Combine bourbon, schnapps 
and ice cream in blender container. 
Add ice if desired. Buzz just until 
smooth. Pour into goblet and add 
generous splash soda; stir once. Serve 
with straws. 


PRESBYTERIAN 


An old-time bourbon drink, slight- 
ly modified for contemporary palates. 

2 ozs. bourbon 

Lemon wedge 

3 ozs. 70р, chilled 

2 ozs. club soda, chilled 

Pour bourbon over ice in tall glass. 
Squeeze lemon into glass; add rind; 
stir well. Add 7Up and club soda; stir 
quickly and serve. 


CATTLEMAN'S COOLER 
(Serves two) 

From the Cattleman, a Manhattan 
dining spot that calls itself an adult 
Western restaurant. 

1 cup pineapple chunks, fresh or 

unsweetened canned 

I tablespoon superfine sugar 

6 ozs. orange juice 

3 ozs. bourbon. 

14 oz. Pernod 

1 cup crushed ice 

Garnish: pincapple chunk on pick 

Buzz pineapple chunks and sugar 
in blender until smooth and frothy. 
Add remaining ingredients, except 
garnish, and blend until very smooth. 
and frothy. Divide between 2 large 
wine or collins glasses. Decorate with 
garnish; serve with straws. 


HANCOCK SOUR 


Adaptation of a drink named for 
Winfield Scou Hancock, a Union 
general and candidate for the Presi- 
dency în the 1880 election. 

1% ozs. bourbon 

1 teaspoon Jamaica rum 

Зд oz. hme juice 

1 teaspoon rock-candy syrup or su- 

perfine sugar 

Club soda, chilled 

Shake first 4 ingredients briskly 
h cracked ice. Strain over fresh ice 
in large old fashioned glass. Add 
splash soda, or to taste. 


113 


successful pitchers dont win 
by beating batters—they win by beating the 
fears within themselves 


PITCHERS’ 
DUEL 


н stoop on the pitcher's mound with a baseball in his hand—a tall, 
gangling boy of 12 in a littleeague uniform that was so small for him 
the pants legs barely reaching his knees, that he resembled a stick 
figure. I remember he had a long face, and pale skin, and that his eyes 
were wide and unblinking, like those of a trapped animal. 

He did not look like a pitcher, not even a littleleague pitcher. He 
had to pause a second before cach pitch to remind himself how to put 
his foot on the rubber, and then how to pump, and kick, and lunge, 
and follow through so that he was squared off against the batter now 
only a few feet away. And as he went through his motion, step by awk- 
ward step, he watched himself to make sure he got it right, watched him 
self with such simple concentration, in fact, his brow knitting, that he 
seemed to forget entirely about the bauer. He had probably been 
recruited to pitch by his coach, the manager of a local supermarket, 
because he was so much taller than the other boys his age, and his coach 
had felt his size would frighten batters in а way his talent—or, rather, 
his lack of talent—would not. But he frightened no one. On this clear 
summer day, in full view of his parents, a few dozen fans and myself, 
already a littleleague star pitcher at 12, he could not retire even the 
tiniest of batters. The fans laughed at him at first, and then they began 
to feel sorry for him. "He's trying so hard,” said a mother in the home: 
plate stands behind me. 

With each succeeding base hit, the pitcher took more and more 
time between pitches, until he was virtually immobile on the mound, 
unable to deliver another pitch. He looked toward the bench for his 
coach, but his coach was bent over, his hands cupped around a match, 
light 
self to begin his mechanical delivery once again. The batter hit a 
ground ball toward the mound. The pitcher followed it with his eyes, 
but he could not make himself reach for it. The ball passed very close 
to his right foot and continued on into center ficld. The pitcher 
remained frozen in his follow-through for a split second, as if an idea 
were forming in his head, and then he fell to the ground, clutching first 
his left foot and then his right foot as he writhed in the dirt. His coach 
and his teammates rushed out to him and the umpire called time. They 
hovered over him for a few minutes—his (continued on page 118) 


ig a cigarette. The pitcher's shoulders sagged and he forced him- 


Sports By PAT JORDAN 


ILLUSTRATION BY JACK HAEGER 


115 


ITS SO NICE TO 
GO TRAVELING 


modern living 


The next time you hop a jet, hit the rood or shove off 
aboard the QE II, you won't be packing up just 

your cares and woes if you stash in the corners of 
your Valise some of the pint-sized and portable travel 
accouterments pictured here. Following the numbers: 
1. Converter kit includes unit shown, plus another 
converter ond four adapters, by Franzus, $34.50, 
including a handy carrying case. 2. Awoke from 
Anchorage to Zamboanga with a Travel-Mote 
quartz alarm clock fitted into a case that folds up 
like a waller, by Seiko, $59.50. 3. Collapsible 
Porsche-design sunglasses with brown-tone lenses, 
by Carrera international, $150. 4. For inter- 
nationo! dentol hygiene, a rechargeable travel tooth- 
brush with voltage odoptability for most foreign 
currents, by Broun, $60. 5. Little Guy 1200-watt 
compoct styling drier feotures three heat and air-flow 
levels, snapin brush and comb attachments and 

a dual-voliage travel switch, by Clairol, $25. 

6. Cordless, rechargeoble Seiko shaver housing a 
quartz clock and woke-up/appointment alarm, all 
compressed into a sleek, 7-oz. cylinder that fits into 
the palm of your hand, from The Shorper Image, San 
Francisco, $74.50. 7. Poriuguese-made moccasin- 
style calfskin slippers thot come with a cloth travel 
bag, from Hunting World, New York, $85. 8. Travel- 
sized ofter-shave moisturizer, $9, deodorant stick, 

$6, and conditioning shampoo, $6.50, all by Chanel 
for Men. 9. Two-piece AM/FM mini-clock-radio that 
separates to work independently, if you wish, by 
Rondix, $59.95. 10. All you well-heeled wandering 


and its even better when the 
accessories you tote make suitcase 
living just a little more fun 


TV junkies will want to tote a TravelVision, on ultra- 
compact black-and-white TV with a 114” screen and 
ап AM/FM radia; the unit features a universal 

А.С. adapter, built-in rechargeable battery, automatic 
voltage regulator, detachable hoaded magnifying 
lens and a snap-down incline stand, by Panasanic, 
abaut $320. 11. Brass travel shoeharn with a fold- 
away handle, from Deutsch Luggage, Chicago, $5. 
h, Italian, French and German (not 
ionories that come fitted into their own 
travel case, fram E. Behrman & Stern, Jersey City, 
New Jersey, $22.00. 13. Nomad Series cardura-and- 
vinyl travel case comes with ten fitted implements, 
from Noymer Manufacturing, Boston, $30. 14, Dispos- 
able travel shovers with triple-honed stainless-steel 
blades, by Bic, about BO cents for a package of four. 
15. Mister Thin RF-066 battery-powered AM/FM 

radio with alarm is only 11/16" thick, by Panasonic, 
$99.95. 16. The Successful Traveler set includes a 
deodorant stick, malt-enriched shampoo, cologne and 
after-shave lotion (not shown), by Aramis, $14.50. 

17. Pearlcarder X-01 microcassette includes a built-in 
clock, by Olympus Corporotion of America, $249.95. 


У тч w a Sear 18. Sip ‘N Rinse mouthwash/gargle for travelers, by 
ч AEM йй [Ау Е Е Drug Concentrates, $6.75 for a box of 125 packets. 


19. Poche Bijoux men's jewelry case in sturdy vinyl- 
coated cotton convas lined with cowhide, by Lauis 
Vuitton, $300. 20. Three contaured stainless-steel 
flasks, plus four chrome cups, all housed in a leather 
case, from Leathersmith of London, New York, $225. 


Bt] БШШ EEF 
لالا‎ 


CHANE 
FOR MEI 


хотуна CHANEL 
FOR MEN 


Ш 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY DON AZUMA 


PLAYBOY 


PITCHERS' DUEL 


(continued from page 115) 


“It takes a certain kind of character to be a pitcher, 
to expose oneself to the possibility of humiliation." 


coach, down on one knee, massaging his 
right foot—and then he stood up. With 
his arms draped over the shoulders of 
two smaller teammates, he hobbled off 
the mound to the applause of sympa- 
thetic fans. That applause scemed to me 
then, as it does now, to have stemmed 
not only from the fans’ sense of relief 
that the pitcher was not seriously hurt 
but also from their sense of relicf that 
they would no longer have to witness 
his humiliation. 

The fans’ sympathetic applause began 
to build as he crossed the first-base line. 
Only I was not so sympathetic. I yelled 
ош. loud enough for all to hear, “That's 
one way of gettin’ off the mound!” The 
fans around me booed and hissed, and 
somebody shoved me in the back. 

“You ought to be ashamed,” a wom- 
an's voice said. But I wasn't. I knew, 
even then, that I was right. 

. 

Tt takes a certain kind of character to 
be a pitcher, to expose oneself to the 
possibility of such humiliation; and, 
while I recognized even then that that 
boy did not have it, I was positive I did. 
Tt was an easy assumption. I had been a 
pitcher since I was eight, and success had 
come swiftly. No-hitters. Strike-outs. 
Headlines in the local newspapers. 

Success followed me into high school, 
and beyond, when I signed for a $15,000 
bonus with the then Milwaukee Braves 
in 1959. Until that point, I had expe- 
enced only good moments on the 
mound, moments when I was so totally 
in command that 1 could see it all clear- 
ly, outlined and in slow motion, even as 
I threw, Those good moments were al- 
ways the same. It was as if I were stand- 
ing outside myself, watching me throw. 
I imposed nothing on my talent. It had 
a will of its own, and its will was to 
perfect itself. All I could do was watch 
in amazement: my arm passing above my 
head at precisely the same angle on each 
pitch; the ball as weightless as Styrofoam 
in my hand; my motion so smooth and 
mechanically perfect that it seemed all 
of a piece. It required no thought, no 
effort, just an aesthetic appreciation for 
its perfection. 

Ihe ball traveled toward the plate in 
slow motion. I could count every stitch, 
every rotation, even as I knew it was 
traveling at a much greater speed than 
it appeared to be. The batter was help- 


118 less, irrelevant even, not a part of all 


this, not even worthy of consideration, 
merely a foil for my perfect fast ball. He 
swung in slow motion, through my fast 
ball, as if the ball had decomposed be- 
fore his startled eyes. He swung with 
such force that he dropped to one knee, 
as if to pay homage. 

The ball recomposed itself in my 
catcher’s glove with an echoing crack. 
‘The glove was fat and round, with a 
perfect pocket stained darker than the 
rest of the glove. With each pitch, that 
pocket grew larger and larger, larger 
even than the catcher, so large, in fact, 
that it obliterated everything—the catch- 
er, the umpire, the batter—and all I 
could see was that I wanted to laugh. It 
was impossible for me not to throw the 
ball directly into that pocket. 

‘That was the way it was before I went 
away to the minor leagues. It would 
never be that way again. I played three 
years in the minors, with diminishing 
success, until, finally, in the late summer 
of 1961, I found myself on a her’s 
mound in Tampa, in what would be 
the last professional game I would ever 
pitch. 

By then, I had lost it all: rhythm, con- 
trol, confidence, speed, everything. My 
pitching motion had become so confus- 
ingly complex—a box of spare parts I 
could not fit into a workable piece—that 
1, too, like that gangling boy of years 
before, had to pause a moment on the 
mound to remind myself how to put my 
foot on the rubber, how to pump, kick, 
lunge and follow through. But no matter 
how hard I concentrated on what had 
always been second nature to me— 
throwing a baseball—I could not remem- 
ber how to do it. I could not impose my 
willon it, because it had a will of its own. 

When I realized that, the helplessness 
of my position, on that mound, in front 
of a batter, fans, my own teammates, I 
felt panic. I could not swallow, and for 
one terrilying second I thought only of 
catching a breath. Terrorstricken, I 
looked toward the batter, began my 
pump, tried to remember but could not. 
Staring plateward, I saw at the end of a 
long, narrow, dark tunnel a minute 
fresco—the batter, catcher, umpire. I 
heard as if from a great distance the 
shouts of fans and the nervous shifting 
of my ficlders bchind me. Curiously, in 
mid-motion, I felt no exertion, was mov- 
ing in a dream, without effort, discon- 
nected, not even conscious of the ball 


leaving my hand and moving a great 
distance through that dark tunnel. 

Moments later, sensing its return, 1 
raised my glove and caught it without 
feeling. I began my motion again, 
caught the returning ball. began my mo- 
tion again, caught the returning ball, 
and so on and so on. I was vaguely 
conscious of everything that happened 
around that pitch—the crack of the bat, 
the spontancous roar of the fans, the 
batter moving toward first base, my ficld- 
ers shifting en masse toward the ball— 
everything except the pitch itself. 

Suddenly. I was aware of my catcher 

valking toward me with his mask tucked 
under one arm, There was a look of pity 
on his face. To his left, I saw a stooped 
old man, a comical-looking old man in 
a uniform that was too big for him, hop 
out of our dugout and begin walking in 
my direction. When he crossed the first 
base line, he dropped his cigarette and 
stubbed it out h his spiked shoe . . . 
my manager! I sighed, exhausted. I felt 
empty, filld only with air. Floating 
above things now. Not caring. Not a bad 
feeling. Nice, really. New to me. As the 
old man reached the mound, he was 
about to say something ("Atta boy, get 
em next time"), but I no longer needed 
to hear it. I smiled at him, looking 
strangely at me, shrugged, tossed him the 
ball and walked toward the dugout, 
knowing at that moment that I would 
never have to take the mound again— 
that finally the pressure was off, truly off, 
as it had been for that gangling boy 
years before. 

I learned then, at 22, that despite my 
previous assumption and obvious gifts, 
І was lacking something, some intangi- 
ble quality that would have made me a 
successful pitcher. What was it? I didn’t 
know then, but years later, long after 1 
had left baseball (the phrase I always 
usc), I learned it was a certain kind of 
character that every successful pitcher 
must have if he is to conquer that pitch- 
ers fear that rises in his throat every 
time he takes the mound in full view of 
fans, opponents and teammates alike. 
That fear can take various forms—fear 
of failure, fear of humiliation, fear of 
injury, fcar beyond the game, fear, even, 
of success—but whichever form it takes, 
the result is always the same. It imposes 
almost unbearable pressures on the 
pitcher, who, alone, isolated on that 
small rise, is the catalyst around which 
the action swirls. 

The truly great pitchers overcome that 
fear and its attendant pressures cither 
by a fierce act of will or merely by sur- 
rendering to its whims, as if to fatc. 
Moderately successful pitchers are indif- 
ferent to that fear; they postpone the 

(continued on page 200) 


“Can he call you back? He's on the other wire." 


119 


120 


GREAT DANE 


miss july may have inherited talents from her scandinavian forebears, 
but heidi sorenson’s beauty and charm are entirely her oum 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY KEN MARCUS 


HOSE CLEVER DANES have an uncanny sense of design. By 

combining fine craftsmanship with deceptively simple 

lines, they blend modern and traditional as no one else 

does. Meet Heidi Sorenson, a dark-eyed, tawny-haired 
beauty of Danish extraction. Heidi's naturalness is thoroughly 
contemporary, yet you immediately sense something old-fash- 
ioned about her. Perhaps it comes from haying lived abroad as 
a child. Although Heidi was born in Vancouver, British Colum- 
bia, she spent her carly childhood in Denmark. Then it was 
back to Canada, this time to the near wilderness of Vancouver 
Island’s west coast, where her father started a fishing company. 
“We lived in a houseboat in an Indian village," Heidi recalls. 
“It was a great place to grow up. My sisters and I were 
tomboys.” When Canadian photographer Ken Honey first saw 
Heidi, she was working as a junior bookkeeper for a Van- 
couver radio station. “Ken started using me as a model for 
local magazines,” she says. "It took me a while to pose for 
PLAYBOY, but I thought if I didn't do it, Га kick myself 


“1 feel that a woman can best express her sensuality 

by being subtle. When you leave more to the imagination, 
you become more intriguing and a lot more desirable. 
In other words, to me, being subtle is being sexy." 


"Since I arrived in my outlook on 
the future has changed a great deal 

I have a sense of expectation. I like the 
people here—they seem to be easygoing 
and they’re not so serious about life. But 
some day, I hope to have the best of 

both worlds, to be able to live here and 
have a place in Vancouver, 100.” 


later.” Heidi's family supported her de 
sion. “I guess my family is not as conserva- 
tiye as most.” Leaving Vancouver for Los 
Angeles was Heidi's toughest decision. “It 
s a major step,” she says, "but I think 
I've grown up a lot in the past year or 
two.” For some months, Heidi made Playboy 
Mansion West her Los Angeles base. 
one at the Mansion is so understand 
caring that it’s like having a second у 
That reinforcement helped her decide to 
audition for the singing Playmates group. 
hey didn't take me right away, probably 
use I was too self-conscious,” Heidi 
recollects. “But I love to sing, so some 
months later, I tried out again, and this 
time I made it.” During her spare time, 


ناتا دان UXOR‏ 


“I like things that are sweet 

and natural. I remember 

when I was little I used to eat 

strawberries and cream for breakfast. 

I still eat strawberries, but now I cat 

them with lots and lots of whipped cream." 


"Waking up to the sunshine gets me out of bed quickly. I’m a sun worshiper and love to spend my time outdoors. But 


if it’s one oj those gloomy, rainy days, I just stay in bed and daydream about the man I'd like to be with.” Who that man 
Whatever's between me and someone else is very personal. I guess I’m just old-fashioned." 


“At the age of six, I 
began riding horses. 
Horses symbolize 
freedom to me.” In 
1979, Heidi won the 
Summer Madness 
bikini contest in 
Vancouver (below). 
“That was when 
photographer Ken 
Honey encouraged 
me to try out for 
Playmate.” 


when she's not rehearsing, she writes poetry—“I've 
been doing that since I was five"—and paints. Heidi's 
taste in art leans toward the traditional—Da Vinci 
and Renoir are two of her favorites—but her own 
water colors depict the seascapes and landscapes of 
her childhood. Some of Heidi’s talent could be 
hereditary: Her great-grandfather's oil paintings still 
are exhibited in Denmark. "Painting is very im- 
portant to me." 

So are relationships. "I make the time and effort 
to be with people I care about, whether they're 
friends or lovers." And for Heidi, the two are close- 
ly intertwined. "I don't believe a man/woman rela- 
uonship can grow unless you have that bond as 
friends." What’s in store for Heidi? It's hard to tell 
where she'll leave her mark. Perhaps we'll see her 
paintings hanging in some gallery, hear her singing 
on records or read a published collection of her poet- 
ry. Maybe she'll simply leave her footprints on a de- 
serted beach. No matter where Heidi Sorenson settles 
down, we're sure she'll be the center of attention. 


27 PLAYBOY'S PLAYMATE OF THE MONTH 
3 


PLAYMATE DATA SHEET 


cmn Oem 

BUST: DOO уліѕт: САЗ шр: Ф _ 

HEIGHT SAE :1ZO sich: 

BIRTH vate: Ohne. /eorrerrtace Unncowier’ Canadas... - 
IDEAL MAN: Sensitive, inteliocort, good. Sense of 


HOBBIES : 


coU 5. 


FAVORITE MOVIES: СҮ” tgp. Seca Saan, Baars Sore, 


Kerja. the Greer, She мз of Op. — 
FAVORITE mstouns: Barr Беті nene, Willie Nelson, 
Sheqnetpar, ornimming, Sire, — 


FAVORITE SPORTS: 


PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES 


Bowled over by the discovery that the girl he 
considered his steady was also dating another 
fellow, the young man confided his dejection 
to a friend. “I just can't believe it," he sighed. 
“Tt was only last week, when I felt so close to 
her, that Kay said she'd never go out with any- 
one else.” 

“She must have been pulling your leg,” 
remarked his confidant. Y Ey, me 

"No, she wasn't—I'm sure of that, 


Corporal Collins, I've never seen you out of 
uniform before,” the major said to the fine 
figure of a WAC when she had undressed in 
the motel room. “And may I say that you cer- 
tainly look great in тийїї” 


Perhaps you've heard about the fashionable 
California sperm bank that advertised a sale 
of designer genes. 


1. was while a wild rumor was circulating that 
overexposure to gas-pump fumes caused male 
impotence that one housewife said to another, 
"Aren't you worried about your husband's 
managing that service station, Emma? The air 


" yawned Emma. “The big jerk 
doesn't do all of my writing, anyway.” 


A virginal fellow named Pruitt 
Once asked to be shown how to do it; 
But it soon became clear 
That his mentor was qucer— 


And the upshot was, poor Pruitt blew it. 


Our Unabashed Dictionary defines superhung 
stud as a heavy-equipment operator. 


I just love the quietly evocative things in life," 
the girl he had picked up murmured to the 
fellow when they were embracing on the 
porch of his beach house. “The wind whisper- 
ing across the dunes, the waves lapping on 
the sand, the distant chiming of a buoy in the 
fog . . . and, of course, the comforting rustle 
of ten or a dozen twenties.” 


There is dissatisfaction among the females 
who are being interviewed by His Serene 
Highness for vacancies in the sultan's harem,” 
a eunuch informed the grand vizier. 
“Why are the unworthy ones bitching?” 
“They complain that many are balled but 
few are chosen.” 


As he listened to the troubled young lady re- 
dining on his office couch, the psychiatrist 
realized with a start that he adhe same 
problem she did—a crazy urge to tear all her 
dothes off! 


Promotional premium available at a kinky sex 


shop: S/M Green Stamps. 


The hard-on of sheepherder Crews 
Was one that he just couldn't lose. 
He'd no girls to assault, 
So perhaps one can’t fault 
His putting his dick to good ewes. 


Before departing on a lengthy business trip, a 
wealthy precious-metals investor bought his 
mistress a solid-gold vibrator. He wanted the 
two things he treasured most in the world to 
be together. 


Here's the slogan we're told has been chosen 
by a new group of militant female homosex- 
uals: “Lez is more!” 


Now I know,” the secretary confided to a co- 
worker after an extra-long dictation session 
with the chairman of the board, “what ‘a cor- 
porate giant’ really means!” 


Our Unabashed Dictionary defines female 
puberty as cherry blossom time. 


l arrested this young couple because I discov- 
ered them on the beach cliffs after public 
hours,” testified the town cop. 

“Was any explanation offered as to why 
they were there?” inquired the magistrate. 

“Yes, your Honor. It had to do with being 
on the lookout for a submarine.” 

“A submarine! Did you believe that?” 

"I can't rightly decide, sir—but there's this: 
Just before I began to climb down to the 
ledge where they were lying close together, I 
distinctly heard the young lady giggle, ‘Up, 
periscope!’ ” 


Heard а funny one lately? Send it on a post- 
card, please, to Party Jokes Editor, PLAYBOY, 
Playboy Bldg, 919 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, 
Il. 60611. $50 will be paid to the contributor 
whose card is selected. Jokes cannot bereturned. 


20h 
ШР, 


Mu 


gm 


1 M vU) 
WIED 


“Who the hell did you think was straightening the 
kids teeth for free—the tooth fairy?” 


133 


134 


UNDERCOVER 
ANGEL 


article By LAWRENCE LINDERMAN 


to blend with his targets, a narc has to be a master at hiding 
his true identity. sometimes even he can’t find it again 


Ir was FIVE O'CLOCK in the moming, January 3, 1978, and Dan Black 
was out of booze and almost out of speed. Nearly $600 worth of meth- 
amphetamine had disappeared into his nostrils since noon, and now all 
he had left was a thin, two-inch line that sat on a small mirror on 
the motel nightstand. When he had checked in the morning before, 
the desk clerk had given him а botue of California champagne as a 
belated INew Years courtesy. He had drunk it while it was still cold, 
and by midnight he'd also downed two six-packs of Coors and a quart 
of tequila. He had tried very hard to get into a mindless stupor, and 
he'd succeeded. 

But it was a defensive, miserable high. Black needed to blot out 
the knowledge that he'd ruined his life and that it was finally over 
with the girl. He was weary and wanted to sleep, but just one bag of 
the crank he'd been sniffing would keep an elephant awake for two 
days. He was about to finish his eighth bag in the past 36 hours, so 
he wouldn't be nodding off just yet. 

Leaning over the nightstand, he inserted a small straw into his 
right nostril, pinched his left nostril shut and took his last hit. God, 
he was stoned. He pictured the winged death’s-head on the gas tank 
of his Harley and vaguely wondered what his own skull would look 
like after he was dead. The jolt inside his head made his eyes water, 


ILLUSTRATION EY BOB POST 


P rN ed е 


136 


and for a moment he studied them in 
the small mirror. They seemed to be 
shining, the pupils so dilated they re- 
minded him of the bull'seyes on pistol 
targets. 

Black got up from the bed and stag- 
gered into the bathroom for a better 
look. He barely recognized the man 
staring at him from the medicine- 
cabinet mirror. In place of the heavily 
muscled athlete he had once been, he 
now saw a 170-pound speed freak in 
jeans and a dirty T-shirt. How grungy 
he had become. Black had always prided 
himself on being well groomed, but the 
burntout case in the mirror wore a 
scraggly beard and a greasy ponytail. 

He studied his reflection more closely 
in hopes of seeing the man he'd been 
before becoming a narc whose cover 
name was Sid Davis. For a year and a 
half, drug dealers all over Northern 
Galifornia had done business with him 
and none had discovered that he was an 
undercover cop. How could they, when 
he had the perfect cover? Davis rode 
with the Hell's Angels, which no narc 
had ever done. 

When the truth about his real iden- 
tity surfaced, the Angels put out a 
$15,000 contract on his life. He wasn’t 
a threat to their operations, but his 
infiltration had been an insult. At that 
moment, however, if an Angel hit man 
had walked into the motel room deter- 
mined to put a bullet in his brain, 
Black probably wouldn't have defended 
himsell. One way or another, it was all 
coming to an end, and he didn't xeally 
care how. Several months before, when 
he had quit his undercover career, he'd 
been called the state's most effective 
пагс. He could have been called some 
other things as well—such as a doper, 
an alcoholic, a biker and now a bank 
robber. How it all happened was a 
little fuzzy, because Black couldn't really 
think straight just then. If he could 
stay wired on speed for the rest of his 
lile, maybe he'd never have to remem- 
ber any of it again. 

Б 

Dan Black became а пагс at the age 
of 97. By then, he'd served on the 
Healdsburg, California, police force for 
five years, during which he'd made more 
than twice as many arrests as any other 
officer. He was a persevering young cop 
who didn't take weekends off because 
he didn't want to miss the action that 
took place on Friday and Saturday 
nights. Healdsburg, about an hour's drive 
north of San Francisco, is a tough coun- 
try town of about 7000 residents, nearly 
a third of whom are chicanos. On week- 
ends, the town’s dozen or so bars are 
often the settings for fierce brawls that 
have only one redeeming feature: Usu- 
ally, all participants manage to survive. 

Although he was only 5'8” tall, Black 


was exceptionally strong. Perhaps to 
compensate for his size, he'd begun lift- 
ing weights when he was 13 and within 
a few years had developed 17-inch 
biceps, a 44-inch chest and massively 
muscled thighs. At Healdsburg Senior 
High, he was a heavyweight wrestler, 
left fielder on the baseball team and an 
outstanding linebacker on the football 
team. After he graduated in June 1967, 
he enrolled at nearby Santa Rosa Junior 
College. He hoped to become a football 
coach; secretly, he dreamed of a career 
in the National Football League. 

Both fantasies ended quickly. At foot- 
ball practices that August, Black 
chipped a bone in his elbow, severely 
sprained his left knee and, except for 
his left thumb, broke every one of his 
fingers. Nevertheless, he played in the 
season opener against Contra Costa 
Junior College. After the game, his fin- 
gers were so swollen he could barely 
grasp the cane he needed in order to 
walk. He quit the team the following 
week and forgot about football. In the. 
spring, he switched his major from 
physical education to administration of 
justice and got a parttime job as a 
campus cop. Over the next few years, 
he went to school off and on, finally 
graduating in the fall of 1974 with a 
degree in police science. 

In the summer of 1969, he married 
Claudia Penry, whom he'd been dating 
since his high school graduation. The 
couple moved into a small apartment in 
Santa Rosa and waited for Black to get a. 
police job. In the meantime, he pumped 
gas at a Standard Oil station and 
Claudia worked as a nurse's aide at 
Santa Rosa Memorial Hospital. 

"They lived like that for more than a 
year. Black easily passed the oral and 
written tests he took when applying for 
police jobs in Berkeley, Richmond, Oak- 
land and Los Angeles; but he couldn't. 
satisfy the physical requirements. "The 
problem was his weight: A 5/8" police 
recruit wasn't supposed to weigh more 
than 156 pounds; Dan weighed 230. In 
Los Angeles the police department's 
examining physician gave him two 
months to drop 74 pounds. Black starved 
himself, took steam baths, exercised every 
day. When he went back for another 
physical, his waistline measured $2 
inches; but he weighed 200 pounds and 
was again rejected. 

Black was crushed. How could he 
have been so foolish as to school him- 
self for a profession he couldn't possibly 
enter? Still, he was determined to make 
a go o£ it, and his luck turned around 
in September 1970, when he heard about. 
an opening on the Cloverdale police 
force. Cloverdale, a nearby town of 2000 
people, had diferent physical require- 
ments. Black interviewed for the job 
and got it. His salary was only $462 a 


month, but he felt like a millionairc. 

Alter seven months of handing out 
traffic tickets, Black learned that Healds- 
burg was about to hire another patrol- 
man. Even though he still exceeded the 
weight limit for his height, he no longer 
had to worry about a physical: He was 
now a working cop who obviously kept 
himself in excellent shape. He joined 
Healdsburgs small force on April 9, 
1971. His salary jumped to $568 a month 
and he and Claudia made plans to start 
a family. The following year, she gave 
birth to the first of their two sons. 

Black quickly became a seasoned, effi- 
cient policeman. He learned the ropes 
the way any local lawman does—by ar- 
resting thieves and muggers and by 
battling bikers, dopers and drunks. In 
most ways, he scemed to be a model 
cop. He was assiduously honest, didn't 
drink or smoke and didn't hesitate to 
kick ass when the situation called for it. 
He loved his work—so much so that hc 
bought a home less than two blocks 
from the station house so he could be 
instantly available in an emergency. 

His single-minded energy and dedic; 
tion paid off: Thrce years after joining 
the Healdsburg force, Black became, at 
the age of 25, the youngest police ser- 
geant in the city's history. Before pro- 
moting him, though, Healdsburg police 
chief Lou Bertoli sent Black through a 
six-week police leadership training pro- 
gram at San Jose State University. Then, 
after he had been a sergeant for almost 
two years, Chief Bertoli decided to send 
him to the FBI National Academy at 
Quantico, Virginia—after which he 
would be promoted to lieutenant. 

"Those plans changed in late 1975. 
That September, Black's police judo in- 
structor told him that the sheriff of 
Lake County was about to hire his de- 
partments first undercover narcotics 
agent Since narcs were notorious for 
quick flame-outs, the sheriff was looking 
for a uniformed officer who would le: 
the job before going to Lake County. 

Black wanted it. He had visions of 
busting up bigger dope rings than the 
French Connection, of zapping major 
California drug dealers, of personally 
putting a stop to several million dollars 
a year in drug traffic. Narcs dealt in 
danger, action and adventure, and Dan 
Black was all for that. 

His nextdoor neighbor, Joe Ross, was 
a narc, so Black knew what to expect: 
He'd have to dress like a slob, grow a 
beard and long hair, be away from 
home for two or three weeks at a time 
and associate with the dregs of society. 
He'd also have to take a pay cut from 
$15,000 to $11,000, but none of it mat- 
tered. The opportunity was simply too 
good to pass up; for when his under 
cover duty was done, Black would be in 

(continued on page 142) 


altire By DAVID PLATT 


rest in peace, old summer sack suit; 
today’s trim and tailored styles are the 
coolest thing to happen to warm weather 
since the discovery of the skinny-dip 


Above: Here's a real hot-weather grabber—a white polyester/linen double-breasted jacket, about $250, that's been teamed with 
white cotton slacks, about $53, a cotton long-sleeved shirt, about $37, and a silk tie, about $50, all by Gianni Versace Design. 


ing, iced tea, night baseball and jumping into 

the lake, most cities from Schenectady to San 
Diego are hotbeds, day and night. The good 
news is that your summer suit no longer need be 
а wwo-button sauna or a shapeless sack resem- 
bling what Paul Muni wore in I Ат a Fugitive 
from a Chain Gang. The tailored look that we've 
come to associate with the crisp no-nonsense cut 
of winter business attire has been translated 
into more relaxed summer styles and the result 


I: SUMMERTIME and, despite air condition- 


HOT 
CITY 
LIGHTS 


is a whole closetful of smart, comfortable suits 
(sports jackets, too) that you can live in no 
matter how high the Fahrenheit climbs. Other 
hot fashion innovations for summer months are 
the increased popularity of pastel accessories 
and the resurgence of interest in double-breasted 
suits. Double-breasteds in summer? Sure. The 
trick is to treat the suit insouciantly; push the 
sleeves up or wear it over a sweat shirt (not 
the one you save for washing the car)—any- 
thing that says you're in control of your clothes. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY RUDY MOLACEK 


Above: This young thing is definitely see- 
ing double—his cotton iridescent double- 
breasted suit with peak lapels and patch 
pockets, by Country Britches, about $250; 
worn casually over a cotton crewneck, by 
Bill Ditfort Designs, about $30. The cot- 
ton pocket square is by Р! s, $6. 


left: This tan cotton suit, by Cricketeer, 
about $160, is a classic summer fave 
that takes on a new look when you couple 
it with a polka-dot bow tie, by Vicky 
Davis, about $10; a cotton shirt, by 
Cerruti, $28.50; ond a snakeskin belt 

a sterling buckle, by Dennis Higgins, $275. 


Right: The elements of tl nen suit, by 
David Leong, include a ventless jacket, 
$300, and trousers with on elasticized 
waistband, $60, that can be purchased 
separately or as an ensemble. The match- 
ing linen shirt, $48, is also by David Leo: 

end the knit tie, by John Henry, about $10. 


Left: This skillful mating of colors includes 

orange three-button single-breasted jacket with 
notch lapels and three flap pockets, $195, that’s 
teamed with white cotton double-plected slacks, 
$55, a multicolor-striped cotton/linen buttondown 
shirt, $45, and a yellow cotton cable V-neck sleeve- 
less pullover with rib trim, $50, all by Alan Flusser. 


Right: Obviously, our man is definitely not choir- 
man of the bored in this wool/mohair muted-stripe 
herringbone suit, from Fitzgerald by John McCoy, 
cbout $275; plus a cotton shirt with medium-spread 
collar and а patch pocket, by Calvin Klein, about 
$32.50; and a hand-woven tie, by Susan Horton, $26. 


Below: The long, hot summer will be itely cool- 
er in this polyester/linen pinstripe suit, by Country 
Britches, about $220; it's coupled with a polyester/ 
cotton shirt with a medium-spread collar, from 
Brigade by Arrow, $18; a cotton knit tie, by 
Manhattan Accessories, about $10; and a cotton 
belt with a brass buckle, by Hamess House, $10. 


PLAYBOY 


142 


UNDERCOVER ANGEL 


(continued from page 136) 


“Black must have been very drunk, because he did an 
unpardonably stupid thing. ‘Pm a narc, he said.” 


line to run Lake County's narcotics 
bureau, then in the planning stages. 
The work would be dangerous, but from 
what he could discover, the real dangers 
were internal: Most nares became al- 
coholics and their marriages often broke 
up. But that, of course, wouldn't hap- 
pen to him. 

On December 1, 1975, Black was inter- 
viewed for the job by Lake County 
sheriff Alvie Rochester. Rochester liked 
what he saw. Black had the mild, good 
looks of a preacher's son and the body 
of a veteran stevedore. The sheriff knew 
that Black was an ambitious proven cop 
with a streak of daring a yard wide, but 
there was also something innocent and 
old-fashioned about him. One thing was 
clear: Black's record indicated he never 
gave anything a halfway effort. Roches- 
ter hired him without hesitation. 

5 

Black spent January through May of 
1976 learning how to be a narc. He was 
attached to Sonoma County's narcotics 
unit, and when he reported for work, 
he knew nothing about the drug cu 
ture. He didn't understand, at first, that 
the dealers’ beautiful women were there 
because the only way they could get 
their heroin was to fuck for it. He 
didn't know that junkie mothers shot 
up their kids to keep them quiet. He'd 
never seen people unable to slip needles 
into their arms because their veins had 
collapsed. He was unaware that junkies 
paid $95 for quarter tcaspoons of heroin 
that were sold in toystore balloons 
rolled up tighter than condoms. He 
learned to simulate snorting dope by 
using a straw blocked with cotton. 
There was a lot to learn, but Black was 
a good student, 

He was teamed with anothcr traincc, 
Ed Clarke, a burly hard-nosed cop who 
has since become a Sonoma County 
deputy sheriff. Together, they busted 
dealers and users by following tradition- 
al narc procedures and inventing several 
of their own. One of their standard 
scams was to cruise local highways, pick- 
ing up the scrufiest hitchhikers they 
saw. Black and Clarke told them they 
were construction workers goofing off for 
the day, or else they claimed to be bank 
robbers with moncy to burn. Hitchhikers 
often knew where to buy narcotics and 
unknowingly helped them set up dozens 
of drug busts. 

Black courted dealers the way a pa- 
nt man courts women. He'd frequently 


meet. them at bars, pay for their drinks 
and arrange another meeting, usually for 
dinner. He bought meals for dealers at 
some of the Bay Area's fanciest restau- 
rants. If a connection seemed overly 
sus] us, Black wouldn't mention nar- 
cotics until he had known the guy for 
scveral weeks. At that point, he'd admit 
to being a dealer himself. The rest usu- 
ally fell into place without a great deal 
of effort. 

In five months, Black picked up the 
fine points of being a narc. “Dan's big- 
gest assets were his honesty, his nerve 
and his dedication,” says Clarke. “The 
other guys we trained with sometimes 
called him Serpico, but not because he 
was a threat to them. Hell, they admired 
crpico, though they felt he probably 
was a little too zealous for his own good.” 

Black was like that, too: He lived for 
the job. As a result, he and Clarke racked 
up more than 90 drug arrests during 
their training period. Black was then 
ready to go out on his own. 

That June, he drove 50 miles north to 
Lake County. Clear Lake, from which 
the county derives its name, is shaped 
like a large dog leg and is just over 20 
miles long. Several rustic towns surround. 
the lake, but they've never really caught 
on with travelers. A couple of well- 
anced resorts were built along the lake 
at the start of the Seventies, however, 
and after that, the county's tourism 
ked up a bit. So did its drug traffic. 

Black arrived there in a 1961 Plym- 
outh Valiant issued to him by the 
county sheriff's Special Investigations 
Division. He also received a phony driv- 
ers license made out to “! uel Ike 
Davis" but hc couldn't abide being 
called Sam. When he noticed that the 
initials of his cover name were those of 
the S.LD., he simply renamed himself 
Sid. His blond hair now hung below his 
shirt collar, he'd grown long sideburns 
and a Fu Manchu mustache, and he 
sported  turquoisc-and-silver rings оп 
every finger. 

He rented a furnished room for $100 a 
month in the lake-front town of Clear- 
lake Highlands and began looking for 
dealers in local bars. It took him two 
weeks to make his first buy—five bags of 
crank for $100. That got him plugged in- 
to the area's dope action, if that was 
the word for it: Lake County's drug 
trafic was disappointingly small. In his 
first six weeks there, Black gathered evi- 
dence on 16 dealers, all of them nickel- 
and-dimers. Once a week, he delivered. 


the drugs he had bought, along with 
written reports, to a deputy sheriff he 
met at night along a dirt road five miles 
from town, The deputy, in turn, gave 
him more money for dope. Although the 
S.LD, felt he was doing a fine job, Black's 
ility to make a big score was getting 
down. 

One afternoon, however, he was told 

about a major drug supplier in Marin 
County, and he arranged a $1000 heroin. 
buy for the next night. His spirits soared 
as he contemplated busting a heavy-duty 
dealer; as it turned out, the man could 
barely manage two bags of low-grade 
heroin for $50. There was no point in 
making an arrest, for Marin County's 
51.0. wouldn't appreciate a scab narc 
turning up with such a penny-ante 
drug bust. Black stormed out of the 
dealer's house and headed straight for 
the nearest redneck bar. He intended 
to get royally potted. 
e brandies-and-Seven-Up took the 
edge off his anger, as did the conve 
tion he struck up with a biker sitting 
next to him at the bar. Charlie Harris 
was a little guy who looked as if he'd 
made a career of getting stomped on. 
There were scars all over his face, his 
nosc was smashed in. He wore a denim 
vest that proclaimed his membership in 
the Misfits, a bikers’ club with chapters in 
Sacramento and Santa Rosa. He seemed 
like a friendly enough soul, though, so 
Black bought him a few rounds. 

When the tab for the drinks came, 
Black fished out a wad of bills, maybe 
$1200 worth. Harris a double take. 
Then he asked where the money had 
come from. Black must have been very 
drunk at that point, because he did an 
unpardonably stupid thing. “They give 
t to me to buy dope,” he said. 


his life in jeopardy. Harris was silent 
for maybe a minute and then asked 
a few questions to see whether or not 
the guy was putting him on. The guy 
wasn't. 

“You're а real crazy son of a bitch,” 
Harris finally said. “Hey, i£ I wanted 
to, I could get you dusted, you know?" 

"You won't,” Black replied, suddenly 
sober again. "Nothing's happenin’, any- 
way. If people got dope to sell, they 
sure aren't sellin' it to me." 

тёр ause you a it 
right," Harris said. He looked Black over 
carefully and then shook his head from 
side to side, "What are you supposed to 
be, a walking turquoise machine? It ain't 
that easy.” 

Harris told him that dealers were 
hip to nares trying to pass themselves 

(continued on page 220) 


BENJAMIN osczulo suffered from a mul. 
titude of burdens. First, there was his 
wife, Katrinka, а mammoth  harridan 
who had never lost an opportunity to 
belittle him throughout their 16 years 
of marriage. Then there was his job at 
the delicatessen. It paid only $220 a 
week, and his rent was $350 a month, 
and what with inflation and Katrinka's 


fiction 


By WALTER LOWE, JR. 


BEN OSCZHI 


appetite, he was gradually getting into 
serious debt. Katrinka had offered to 
return to work—she had been a cashier 
at the delicatessen when he met her 17 
years ago—but he liked being the sole 
breadwinner. It was the only thing in 
his life that gave him a sense of superior- 
ity over her. Besides, Katrinka didn’t 
really want to work. She much preferred 


“are you too small to satisfy your woman?” 
read the odd little leaflet. “see dr. brazil and 
discover how big aman you can be” 


spending her days padding around their 
fourroom apartment in her furry pink 
house slippers, eating herself into ex- 
haustion. To make matters worse, old 
man Epstein, whose family had operated 
the delicatessen for 32 years, had decided 
to close the business and retire to Florida 
“Too many holdups. The neighborhood's 
gone bad,” he (continued on page 146) 


M3 


144 


UPTIGHT 


THERE ARE TWO KINDS of people in this 
world—those who insist that there are 
two kinds of people in the world and 
those who don't. As we were saying, 
there are two kinds of people in this 
world: the uptight and the loose. Face 
it; you're either one or the other. 

How can you tell which you are? Up- 
tight people take themselves seriously, 
and they hope you're taking them seri- 
ously as well. Neatness counts, but it's 
not everything. Some slobs are uptight, 
while some fancy dressers are loose. 
Loose people have a style that Alexander 
Haig would never understand. 

The quintessential uptight and loose 
characteristics are hard to nail down. So 
lers start with a few examples. Some 
subjects nearly classify themselves. For 
example, Debbie Harry is loose, while 
Debby Boone is uptight. Pete Rozelle— 
uptight; Al Davis—loose. The Reverend 
Jerry Falwell—uptight; the Reverend 
Ernest Angley—loose. Get it? 

Sometimes it's not so easy. Beware of 
deceptive labeling: John Anderson pre- 
tends he’s loose but is uptight. Teddy 
Kennedy pretends he's uptight, but he's 
loose. Nancy Friday is uptight, even 
though she talks dirty about men. Al 
Goldstein is loose. 

Flash Gordon is loose, but Superman's 
а white-knuckle flier. Rodney Danger- 
field is uptight on the outside but loose 
on the inside. Doc Severinsen is the re- 
verse. Robert Blake thinks he’s loose, but 
he's really uptight. Robert Redford is 
loose, but he tries to hide it. G. Gordon 


ILLUSTRATION BY CARL KOCH 


Liddy used to be uptight but won't be 
reclassified as loose until he either gives 
up his first. initial or starts using his first 
name. Sorry, G., but rules are rules. 

Speaking of rules, all dogs, as a rule, 
are loose, except for Benji, who is up- 
tight. All cats are uptight, except for 
Morris, who is loose. B. Kliban station- 
cry, towels, toilet paper, etc., are all up- 
tight. B. Kliban is loose. 

The Rug Rule: Men who wear toupees 
are uptight. Howard Cosell is no excep- 
tion. Willard Scott is. 

Magazines are loose. Newspapers are 
loose on page one and uptight on the 
editorial page. The First Amendment 
crowd sorts out as follows: 


Uptight Loose 
The New York The Wall Street 
Times Journal 
William Е. Buck- William F. Buckley 
ley's column on Firing Line 
U. S. News & Newsweek 
World Report 
Ms. Savvy 
Cosmo Redbook 
Women's Wear Ww 
Daily 
Highlights for Ranger Rick's Na- 
Children ture Magazine 
National Geo- GEO 
graphic 


TV is basically uptight, but there are 
some free spirits. Robert Hughes is loose 
as Toulouse but not so short. Fellow 
PBS-er Carl Sagan is as airtight as his 
scientific theories. All anchor men except 


for David Brinkley are uptight. All 
weathermen are loose. Dan Rather wants 
to be loose but isn't. Ted Koppel looks 
too much like Yoda to be classified. 
Boardroom pitchman Lee (Factory to 
You) Iacocca is uptight; James Garner 
is loose. (Perhaps he'd be uptight, too, if 
he had to sell Chryslers instead of Po- 
laroid cameras.) M*A*S*H is uptight 
(even though half the cast is in stitches). 
Phil Donahue, J. R. Ewing and the In- 
galls are uptight. Andy Rooney, Larry 
Hagman and the Waltons are loose. 

Loose Charlie's Angels: Kate Jack- 
son, Tanya Roberts, Jaclyn Smith, Cheryl 
Ladd. 

Uptight Charlie's Angels: Farrah Faw- 
cett, Shelley Hack, Lady Diana Spencer. 

Uptight Hall of Fame: Paul Lynde, 
the Ayatollah Khomeini, Jean Harris. 
Caspar Weinberger, Jesse Helms, Tom 
Snyder, Gay Talese. 

Loose Hall of Fame: Miss Piggy, 
Johnny Carson, Willard Scott, Buddy 
Hackett. 

Smokenders, Weight Watchers and est 
are all uptight. Don Juan the Yaqui 
sorcerer is loose. W. Clement Stone is 
uptight, but Obi-Wan Kenobi is loose. 
Uptight: sex advice from Dear Abby. 
Loose: Sex advice from the tantric mas- 
ter Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh. 

Uptight Newtons: Fig, Olivia, Wayne. 

Uptight: All famous women named 
ncy. Also guns and vacuum cleaners. 
Loose: The Rolling Stones. 

Uptight: Rolling Stone. 
Presidents who golf, have kitchen cabi- 


from briefs to boxer shorts, 


the whole world breaks down. 
into two distinct categories 


nets, hold meetings in bathrooms, show 
you their scars or split logs are loose. 
Presidents who carry their own luggage, 
jog, talk to mirrors or split logs to slay 
the killer trees are uptight. 

Downstairs neighbors who bang on the 
ceiling with broom handles are uptight, 
as are neighbors who leave anonymous 
notes about your garbage. Uptight neigh- 
bors: Mister Rogers, Mexico, George 
Jefferson, Loose neighbors: Ed Norton 
and Canada. 

Valuable Assets: Goldie Hawn is loose. 
Minnie Pearl and Ruby Dee are loose. 
Neil Diamond is uptight. 

Typecasting: Loretta Lynn and Sissy 
Spacek are loose. 

It's How You Play the Game That 
Counts: Dick Vermeil, Bowie Kuhn and 
Dave Kingman are uptight. George 
Brett, Mean Joe Greene and Terry Brad- 
shaw are loose. 

Christine Jorgensen did it for love, 
but Reneé Richards did it to win—that's 
uptight. 

Uptight: Pope John Paul JI kissing 
your sister. 

Loose: Father Guido Sarducci kissing 
your sister. 

‘Are They Uptight or Just Close? Jane 
Fonda is uptight, but she taught Tom 
Hayden how to be loose. Garry Trudeau 
is loose, but Jane Pauley is uptight, ex- 
cept when she takes her guitar to work. 
Liz and John Warner are uptight; he 
taught her everything he knows. 

Loose Lips: Miss Rona. 

Screwloose: Devo. 


Footloose: Fred Astaire. 

Loose dates: January 1, February 2, 
February 29, April 1, October 31. 

Uptight dates: April 15, November 11, 
December 7, Blind. 

‘To sum up, here's a handy guide to 
help you chart the rest of the world 
along its uptight/loose axis: 


Uptight Loose 
New York City Austin, Texas 
Miami Key West 
Woody Allen play- Woody Allen play- 
ing Woody Allen ing darinet 


Lisa Birnbach 


Charles Gaines and 
George Butler 


The Official Preppy Pumping Iron 
Handbook 

‘The French "The Italians 

The New York "The Oakland 
Yankees Athletics 

American Express Visa 

Guns Butter 

MacNeil Lehrer 

Ron Reagan, Jr. Jack Ford 

‘Tax lawyers ‘Tax accountants 

The Sears Tower The Leaning Tow- 

er of Pisa 

Betty Crocker Famous Amos 

Ma Bell "Taco Belle 

El Salvador Aruba 

Cocaine Marijuana 

Keith Jarrett Chick Corea 

Jogging Walking 

Halston Ralph Lauren 

Frank Borman Freddie Laker 


Barbra and Barry 
Rice 
Bucket seats 


Peaches and Herb 


Pasta 
Ly | 


Back seats 


н 


PLAYBO 


146 


BEN OSCZHIO 


(continued from page 143) 


* *Mbigoné is the ancient god of seduction. To those 


who worship him, he grants godlike sexual organs. 


222 


told Ben. So, very shortly, Ben would be 
out of a job at the age of 48, qualified to 
do nothing more than slice ham, dish 
out potato salad and write prices on 
bags. Living in a $350-a-month apart- 
ment with a wife who consumed $15 a 
week in white bread alone (not to men- 
tion ten bucks’ worth of peanut-butter 
cups), he was a man in trouble. 

But great though those miseries were, 
none was so great as his primary, funda- 
mental, never-ending woe. He had a tiny 
penis. Not just small. Tiny. So tiny that 


Katrinka, to mock him when he refused 
to meet her frequent demands that he 
steal food from the deli for her, would 
take an unshelled peanut to their bed 


that night and masturbate with it, wh 
pering, “See? If you were only this big, 
you could make me happy, Benjamin. 

Of course, he'd tried everything to 
make it bigger. He bought his 
antced" lotion from a fortuneteller when 
he was 17. Since then, he'd tried in- 
numerable powders and salves, elec 
stimulators, vacuum pumps and a horri- 
ble little contraption he nicknamed The 
Rack. Along the way, he had managed 
to stretch it from one half inch to five 
eighths of an inch, and several times 
nearly lost it altogether. He hated it. “A 
little nubbin of a nubbin,” Katrinka 
called it when he hid the butter from 
her. She liked to cat a pound of butter, 
softened and mashed with sugar, while 
watching television. 

His penis, what there was of it, was 
the bane of his existence. He'd been 
too shy to get very far with girls in high 
school, and even through early man- 
hood, he rarely let a woman see him un- 
dressed. Most often, he induced his dates 
to let him pleasure them by means other 
than intercourse while he surreptitiously 
played with himself. Tt was very unsat- 
isfactory. 

Then he met Katrinka. She wasn't so 
fat then, weighing only about 180. And 
when he discovered that she loved dildos 
and vibrators (she confessed this while 
drunk one night as they sat in the tavern 
down the block from the deli), he fig- 
ured she was as good a match as he'd 
ever find, so he proposed. For the first 
three years, they'd had a good time. He 
bought several expensive, large, soft- 
inside, hard-outside strap-on dildos and 
even one that vibrated. He loved the 
feeling of power the huge dildos gave 
him as he thrust between Katrinka's 
massive jiggling thighs. 

But, inevitably, technology becomes 


boring. The novelty wore off. Katrinka 
began whining that she wanted a real 
prick, a mammoth organ as big as her 
favorite dildo, the vibrating, multistud- 
ded Black Mambo. She began buying 
Playgirl. She began eating. She lost in- 
terest in sex with him. 

So for the past 13 years, Benjamin 
had resorted to prostitutes. Over the 
years, he'd had several favorites: women 
who were convincing at moaning and 
screaming the things he paid them to 
say, like, “Oh, God, you're splitting me 
apart!" and “Jesus, I feel like I'm fuck- 
ing a stallion!” 

However, there were several problems 
connected with that habit. One was his 
dread of venereal disease. Another was 
the cost, a serious strain on his perpetu- 
ally overstrained budget. The worst part, 
however, was the grief Katrinka gave 
him whenever she suspected that he'd 
been "dipping his pea in some whore's 
pudding," as she put it. For, although 
she'd lost interest in him sexually, she 
was nonetheless violently jealous. Once, 
one of his “girls” had called him at home 
and Katrinka went on a rampage, wreck- 
ing the apartment and beating him 
soundly about the head and shoulders 
with a cotto salami. 

So it was on a particular Tuesday 
morning that Benjamin Osczhio didn't 
go to work but, instead, went to a down- 
town sporting-goods outlet to purchase 
a gun with which to blow his brains out. 
As he approached the store, a cold chill 
swept over him. I'm actually about to 
take my life, he thought, because my 
penis is too small. That's ridiculous. It 
was so ridiculous that he couldn't go 
through with it. He sat down on a side- 
walk bench, buried his head in his 
hands and wept. People passed by, but 
Ben didn't notice. Nobody cares, he 
thought, for a man with a tiny penis. 
"Ehen he prayed. And his prayer went 
something like this: "Dear Whoever it 
is out there, I'll do anything for a larger 
penis. I'll serve my fellow man, be hon- 
est and upright all of my life, go to 
church, never tell a lie. But, please, give 
me just three inches. "Three inches, it's 
all I ask.” For a moment, he was trans- 
fixed in concentration. Then, with a sigh, 
he opened his сусу and felt his crotch. 
It was still the same. He sighed again. 
He glanced down at the bench and spied 
an odd little leaflet lying there. It said, 
“Are you too small to satisfy your wom- 
an? See Dr. Brazil and discover how big 
a man you can be.” There was а para- 


graph referring to Dr. Brazil's mastery 
of South American occult mysteries, and 
a phone number. Nothing about devices, 
gadgets, potions or lotions. It was the 
strangest penis-extender advertisement 
he'd ever seen. Taking it as an answer 
from Whomever, he promptly made a 
phone call. 
. 

Dr. Brazil was a tiny brown man with 
penetrating black eyes and thick eye- 
brows that merged over his nose. He 
smelled strange, Ben thought, kind of 
like library paste. He sat Ben down in 
his tiny shuttered office and asked about 
Ben's problem. 

“I have a little penis” 

“How little?” asked the doctor. 

“Very little. 

“And you would like a large one?” 
Yes, sir. 
How large?” 

As big as they come. So to speak. 
Heh.” The doctor didn't smile. 

He was as small as a child. He stood 
and walked across the room to a file 
cabinet. Ben noticed that he walked with 
a limp. When the doctor returned to 
his desk, he said, “You probably notice 
that I walk with a р.” Ben nodded. 
Do you have any idea why?” Ben shook 
his head. “Because I have to strap it to 
my leg.” 

Ben blinked. “What?” he asked. 

The doctor stood up. promptly un- 
fastened his trousers and let them fall 
to the floor. He was telling the truth. 
It was covered in a long Argyle knee 
sock, but Ben estimated its dimensions 
to be nine inches around, 18 inches long. 
The doctor pulled up his pants and sat 
behind his desk as if nothing had hap- 
pened. Ben was speechless. 

"Once, mine measured only half an 
inch,” the doctor smiled, showing small, 
white teeth. “But that was before I dis- 
covered Mbigoné” 

"What's Mbigoné?" Ben asked. 

“Mbigoné, my friend, is not a what. 
It is a who. He is the ancient Indian 
god of seduction and deceit. To those 
who worship him and make sacrifice to 
him, he grants godlike sexual organs.” 

Ben stood and headed for the door. 
"I've heard a lot of crap in my life,” he 
said, "but that's the worst. If you think 
Im going to pay you for some kind of 
magic potion, forget it. I tried that when 
1 was seventeen.” 

He was opening the door when Brazil 
called out, “Before you go, look at ti 
Something in the little man's voice 
compelled Ben to turn around. The 
doctor was holding a photograph. 
"Come, look this" he urged. “It 
was me before 1 learned the secret of 
Mbigoné." 

Against his will, Ben strode over 

(continued on page 164) 


jayne kennedy—the oh, so sexy object of your fantasies on 
"nfl today"—is starring in an update of the classic fight 


WE'VE all heard those 
sorry sagas of husband- 
and-wife teams in 
Hollywood: how perfectly 
good m: 
been ripped apart when 
one spouse hits the big 
time and the other is left 
behind, doing bit parts 
and supermarket commer- 
cials. Or how some 


es have 


film. sorry, guys, her husband is making it with her 


JAYNE AND LEON ISAAC KENNEDY 
PHOTOGRAPHED EXCLUSIVELY FOR PLAYBOY BY KEN MARCUS 


husbands maneuver them- 
selves into the role of 
Svengali /manager, guid- 
ing the blossoming 
career of a beautiful wife. 
If he’s successful in 
making her a star, his rep- 
ntation as a manager 

is secured—an odd sym- 
biosis that has also 

led as often as not to the 


147 


A daily regimen of 500 sit-ups 
end running several miles 

put Leon in shape far the film's 
complex and difficult boxing 
matches, like that shown 
above. His opponents were not 
actors but top-ranked pro 
fighters, and Leon claims he 
often left the ring bruised and 
battered by punches that 
Were supposed to miss but 
landed full force. 


Playmate Azizi Johari worried that her scene 
with Leon (above) might cause friction with 
longtime friend Jayne, so Jayne left the set. 


L 


divorce court. Jayne and Leon Isaac 
Kennedy have the best—and the worst— 
of both worlds. For much of their ten- 
year marriage, Leon has been behind the 
scenes, choreographing Jayne's career, 
from her days as an 18-year-old Miss 
Ohio, when they met, through stints as a 
al Laugh-In and as 
a Ding-aling Sister on the old Dean 
Martin show, to her first real break, as a 
commentator on CBS’ NFL Today. “I 
don't call myself the manager,” explains 
Leon, “but I've always been the guiding 
force in Jayne’s career.” 

It was Leon's idea, in fact, for Jayne 
to co-host the short-lived and much- 
maligned Speak Up, America on NBC. 
“People id I ruimed her career with 
that decision,” he says. “But people in 
the industry finally saw her, and saw 
what she could do.” 

Jayne readily admits that it's Leon 
who calls the shots. After the Speak Up 
debacle, Leon suggested that Jayne sign 
up to do boxing commentary for cable 
TV. Jayne said no. “I was adamant 
about not doing it,” she recalls. “I was 
tired and I wanted to stay home. I didn’t 
feel like going on the road again and I 
wanted some time to study boxing. I 


dancer on the ori 


What's a potential champ to 
do? He can either succumb to 
the pleasant distractions 
offered at left by (from left) 
Playmate Ola Ray, Ingrid 
Greer and Candy White, or lis- 
ten to the moralizing af girl- 
friend Julie (played by Jayne) 
and mentor Muhammad Ali, 
who, in a scene right out af 
the ariginal, try to get Leon 
not ta throw the big fight. 

“I’ve never thrawn a fight 

and you shouldn't, either,” Ali says, 
toking chorge of Leon's career 
in the new Body ond Soul. 

But getting his out-of-shape 
protégé back in condition is an 
uphill battle—even for Ali. 


Leon sharpens up his nanviolent skills with 
Playmate Rosanne Katon (abave) in a men's 
room. Where's Jayne? Behind the door. 


Jayne: "During the filming of Body ond Soul, there were many times when leon didn't come home at night. He'd be so involved 
in the production that he would just sleep at the office. But that's the way he is once he gets involved in a project; that’s all that 
matters to him. He likes everything to be perfect. Once he commits himself, he goes 100 percent. So sometimes it's very difficult.” 


150 


Leon: "Women have alwoys 
liked me, but now they are 
much more after me, for a 
variety of recsons. Movies 
allow me to be a sex symbol. 
Besides, not only am | а 
celebrity or whatever but 1 
think women lock at me now 
and think, He can put me 
in a moviel Look whot 

he did for Joyne!^ 


n't want to just go in there and flub 
iny way through it. Leon kept saying. 
‘It's important for you to do the boxing," 
and I kept saying, ‘I think it's important, 
too, but I don't want to.’ I went on the 
road during one of our arguments and 
when I came back, he'd signed the deal.” 

To further complicate their relation- 
ship, Leon only two years ago got his 
own shot at stardom. He had been work- 
ing asa disc jockey when he met Jayne in 
Cleveland. Known as Leon the Lover, he 
liked to promote himself as the ultimate 
fantasy for his female listeners, a soft, 
sexy voice making love over the airwaves 
(Jayne. who's three years younger. had 
been a fan while growing up). But short- 
ly after the couple arrived in L.A., he 
hung up the Don Juan act to manage 
Jayne and run a chain of discos. Then 
director Jamaa Fanaka, an old friend, 
asked him to take over the lead in Peni- 
tentiary, a sleeper hit that garnered Leon 
an immediate following, particularly 
among women. “People ask us now what 
it's like having two sex symbols in the 
same family,” he smiles. He quickly be- 
gan pushing his own career as relent- 
lessly as he had pushed Jayne's, even 


152 


Leon: "My life is gonna go one of two ways. It’s gonna be either o one-on-one 
relotionship in which I'm happy ond settled into that one person or lm gonna be like my 
hero, Errol Flynn, and just reolly be Leon the Lover and die early." 


Jayne: I'm the type of per- 
son to whom fomily means 

o lot. But family doesn't nec- 
essorily mean the wife, the 
dog, the kids, the two cars— 
that doesn't have onything 
to do with it. It's the relo- 
fionship between two 

people I’m talking cbout.” 


printing up a poster of himself, striking 
a shirtless and sultry pose, and selling it 
through the mail. His next step was 
parlaying his acceptance with black audi- 
ences into a three-picture deal with Can- 
non Films. 

Cannon wanted Leon to star in a 
black remake of Body and Soul, a 1947 
hit about corruption in boxing starring 


John Garfield and Lilli Palmer. 
Leon was thinking big—he said hed 
star, but only if he could write, produce 
and, of course, cast Jayne as his main 
love interest. 


When it came to modifying the film’s 


original characters, Leon didn’t stray too 
far from real life. Not only does Jayne 
play a sportscaster but Muhammad Ali 


is on hand, too (as Muhammad Ali, of 
course), to give Leon a few tips about 
fighting and promotion. And what gim- 
mick do they come up with? Leon be- 
comes Leon the Lover, a pretty boy of 
the ring who passes out roses to his fe 
male fans and wears a bright-red heart 
on his boxing shorts. Only Peter Law- 
ford, who (text concluded on page 192) 


Jayne: "With Leon and me, 
it wos almost like love ot 
first sight. There was some- 
thing special about him. | 
didn't knaw anything about 
his reputation os o ladies’ 
man, really, so it didn't both- 
er me. The only thing that 
did bother me was that same- 
times when we'd go aut, all 
these girls would come up 
to him. And I really wasn’t 
used to thot, because this was 
the first time ld ever really 
dated. Jesus, | wos only 18! 
But all these girls resented 
the fact that | was with him." 


PLAYBOY 


156 


“Pack my things, Denise . . . I’m leaving you forever!” 


prudence, the carver’s wife 


from Le tredici piacevolissime notti, by Giovanni Straparola, 1553 


QUINQUINO WAS an image carver, one of 
the best in the f city of Florence, 
and his work was in much demand. He 
was short, quick in his movements, 
bright of eye, and his sleeves hid re- 
markably well-muscled arms. His wife 
was young and pretty and her name—a 
good omen—was Prudence. 

One day, she came to her husband 
with a troubled look. “For some time 
she said, “the priest Messer 

has perplexed me sorely. He 
began by offering elaborate salutations 
and compliments. I replied curtly. Then 
he took to following me with fanciful 
speeches and hints at amorous things. 
Then he began to send his clerk with 
messages requesting that he might have 
an interview with me alone. Now, Quin- 
quino, I think it is time that you spoke 
with him and warned him never to ap- 
proach me again.” 

The carver was much pleased with his 
good wife's discretion. "On the con- 
trary.” he said, "you must straightway 
invite Messer Tiberio to call on you.” 

Prudence was aghast. 

“No, no, my love. Not what you 
think," said Quinquino. "Let me tell 
you about a jolly little tableau that I've 
imagined.” And he went on to explain 
exactly what he had in mind. 

The next day, Quinquino could be 
seen leaving his workshop—which was 
simply the large room next to the bed- 
room—with his bag of tools over his 
shoulder. A short time later, Tiberio. 
muffled in a large cloak, appeared at 
the door and was admitted. 

He greeted Prudence and was invited 
to sit down. He began to si to sigh, 
to flatter. She clasped her hands and her 
face turned ; she looked at the 
floor. Finally, he spoke about the over- 
powering love he felt for her, a love 
that she must feel and return. 

She was silent for a while, but at last 
she said in a low voice that he must 
give her heart time to consider, and 
that he should return in the evening 
three days hence, when her husband 
would be gone to the country. 

"The first day after, she received a 
length of blue silk; the second day, a 
wristlet of gold; the third day, a box of 
spices. 

Just before Quinquino made his os- 
tentatious departure from the house, he 
went around locking every cupboard 
and cabinet, except for one little chest 
whose key he left in the lock. A certain 
piece he had just begun, he put up 
against the wall. Then, dressed as for a 
journey, he left the house. 

As soon as he was out of sight, he 
doubled back, gained the rear entrance 
to his yard and hid. 


In the kitchen, Prudence was saying, 
“Signore, it is scarce fitting that you 
should try to fondle me and hoist my 
skirts from behind while I am so busy 
trying to cook this supper of dainties 
for your pleasure. Have patience, sir!” 

“Patience is all very well, but I prefer 
to have Prudence,” said Tiberio. “Come, 
my sweet, you seem to take forever 
with this cooking of yours. Leave off 
for a while, I beg you, and come into 
the bedchamber, where I will show you 
the true art of kneading and browning 
and basting and broiling. Let us taste 
our love while it is hot.” 

“Very well,” said the lady. “Go on 
and get into bed. I'll follow directly.” 

The priest stepped into the bedroom, 
threw off his clothes and sprawled on 
the bed. For her part, the lady made a 
great bustle of washing her arms and 
hands, perfuming herself and preparing 
to undress. She quietly picked up 
"Tiberio's clothes, put them into the lit- 
tle chest, locked it and hid the key. 

“My love, you seem to be delaying,” 
called Tiberio. "Come quickly!" 

Just then, there came a loud knock- 
ing on the front door. Prudence gave a 
little scream. "It is Quinquino! He must. 
have come back for some reason! And, 
oh, he is so brutal when he is angry!" 

The priest jumped to his feet, shud- 
dering all over. “Quick, show me a cup- 
board where 1 can hide. 

“My husband always locks them and 
keeps the keys. Alack, what will become 
of me?” 

“Where are my clothes?” he asked. 

“No time to dress now,” she said. 
“Quickly, into the workshop. Do you see 
that large cross on the work platform. 
against the wall? It's a crucifix for the 
convent chapel—only the figure has been. 
removed temporarily for more work. 
Stand up there against it and stretch out 
your arms. If Quinquino happens to 
glance in that direction, I'm sure he 


ILLUSTRATION BY BRAO HOLLAND. 


Ribald Classic 


won't remember that Georgio has taken 
it. In any case, Quinquino will probably 
soon be off again.” She nodded as 
Tiberio took the pose. “That looks 
fine... . I'm coming, husband!" 

Having arrived, Quinquino showed 
no anxiety to be gone again. He took 
off his cloak, commented on the deli- 
cious smells from the kitchen and 
poured some wince. Soon he and 
Prudence were seated at the big table 
in the workshop. enjoying a most savory 
repast. When they had finished, Quin- 
quino embraced his wife and led her 
into the bedroom, whence began to 
come the sounds of robust lovemaking. 

AM the while, Tiberio, frightened 
mear death, clung to his cross. Afraid 
to move, shivering and covered with a 
cold sweat, he remained there all night 
long. Fach time he decided the husband 
and wife had fallen asleep, he would 
hear one of them speak suddenly. 

At long last, the morning began to 
dawn. There was a knock at the front 
door and Quinquino, dressed, opened it. 
Two nuns came into the house. 

The taller one said, “Master Quin- 
quino, the abbess has sent us to inquire 
after the crucifix she has ordered for 
our chapel wall. Is it complete? How 
soon will you send it? May we see it?” 
nquino, pretending to be a bit 
irritated, said, "It is not finished, but 
it will be in two days’ time. I suppose 
it will do no harm to let you inspect 
He led them into the room and pointed. 
at Tiberio, who tried to stop trembling. 

“Verily, it has the aspect of terrible 
suffering,” said the first nun. 

“And, indeed, the workmanship is 
such a marvel that one might think 
the figure actual flesh and blood,” said 
the second nun. “Our abbess will much 
admire it!" 

“Except that certain parts are, well, 
entirely too natural, too real-sceming. 
Such a sight might well breed a riot in 
the convent,” said the first. 

“No need to worry!” said Quinquino. 
“That fault is easily remedied.” He 
scized a mallet and a huge, sharp chisel. 
"Il give it the finishing stroke. ГЇЇ 
strikc off the parts that might offend 
the abbess and the dear sister: 

Whereat Tibcrio uttered the loudest 
yell ever heard in Florence, gave a 
mighty jump and was out the door. He 
was still gaining speed as he passed the 
outer limits of the city. 

‘A miracle,” said the first nun. 
‘A veritable resurrection," said the 
second. 

Then all of them began to laugh— 
the nuns, too. had been part of the 
joke. 


—RETOLD BY CARLO MATTEO 157 


This year, 
remember Fathers Night. 


For the ultimate gift, consider Courvoisier VOC in the Baccarat decanter, around $150. Please call (800) 327-5702 for shopping assistance. 


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PART E = pec. eso 
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Nu 


humor By MEL BROOKS 


note; Mel Brooks's new movie, “His- 
tory of the World—Part 1,” manages 
to capsulize ten billion years of civ- 
ilization in less than two hours with- 
out once speeding up the camera. 
Following a series of shorter vignettes 
depicting (as only Mel Brooks can) 
The Dawn of Man, The Invention 
of Art, Music and Law, and Moses 
and the Ten Commandmenis, the 
film then gives us a lingering look at 


the grandeur of the Roman Empire, 
the awesome spectacle of the n- 
ish Inquisition and the French 
Revolution. 

WE TAKE you to the Roman Empire, 
circa 30 a.. It is midday in a typical 
Roman market place. A column sales- 
man hawks his wares ("Columns, 
columns! Get your columns here. 
Tonic, Doric and Corinthian.’)), а 
Woolworthlike store displaying) an- 
tique notions and novelties carries the 
sign THE V & X CENT STORE and a 


SCULPTURE BY PARVIZ SADIGHIAN 


о, 


PLAYBOY 


poster on the wall of a building reads, 
TEMPLE OF EROS “ANNUAL ORGY AND BUF- 
FET—FIRST SERVED, FIRST COME. Standing 
in front of the temple, surrounded by a 
group of ladies, we see ENTREPRENEUR 
(Hugh Hefner), explaining that he’s in- 
venting a new concept; it's called a 
Center Fold. Finally, we meet our hero, 
comicus (Mel Brooks), standing in line 
at the ancient Roman version of an un- 
employment agency (advertised by the 
sign VNEMPLOYMENT INSVRANCE) We 
catch him just as he moves up to 
the cLERK's window. 

CLERK (Bea Arthur): Name? 

comicus: Comicus. 

CLERK: Occupation? 

comicus: Stand-up philosopher. 

CLERK: What? 

comicus: Stand-up philosopher! I 
coalesce the vapor of human behavior 
into a viable and logical comprehension. 


CLERK: Oh . . . a bullshit artist. Did 
you bullshit last week? 
comicus: No. 


CLERK: Did you try to bullshit last week? 

COMICUS: Yes. 

CoMICUS signs and the CLERK starts to 
hand him a little bag of coins. Just then, 
swirrUs (Ron Carey), comicus agent 
and friend, approaches the window. 

CLERK: Hey! Back of the linel 

comicus: That's all right, he's not in 
line. He’s my agent, Swiftus. 

SWIFTUS (joins them aL the window): 
Good news! I just got you a job! 

The cuerk snatches away the little bag 
of coins just as comicus is about to 
grab it. 

CLERK: Well, now that you're working, 
you won't be needing this. 

comicus: But wait a minute! That 
money is rightfully mine. 

The CLERK smiles and pulls down a 
see-through cage. 

cerk: I'm on my wine break! 

comicus (to swirrUs): You dopus! I 
almost had the money in my hand. 

swirtus: I like that! I like that! I go 
out and bust my anus to get you a job 
and you're angry with me?! Boy, you are 
nuts. N-V-T-SI Nuts! 

comicus: OK, OK. I'm sorry. What 
kind of job is it? 

swirrus; Just the best gig in all of 
Коте! A date that every stand-up philos- 
opher, including Socrates, would die for. 
Believe it or not, you are going to play 
Caesar's Palace! 

comicus (astonished): The main room? 

swirtus: The main room! (Together 
they bump elbows and say, “Groovus”) 

cur To the market place. comicus and 
SWIFTUS quickly make their way along 
the square. They pass a slave auction. 

AUCTIONEER; Thank you, thank you. 
That's all for today. There will be an- 
other slave auction at noon tomorrow. 

The people around the auction block 


162 begin to disperse. 


This little piggy played Rome. Dom DeLuise 
(right) just соп? seem to resist hamming it 
up in his role os the decadent Emperor. 


Ordered to fight to the death, Comicus (Mel 
Brooks) and Josephus (Gregory Hines) get 
reody to beot o retreat instead of each other. 


Empress Nympho (Modeline Kohn), with the 
cid of Competence (Deno Dietrich), deter- 
mines the troops are up to her standards. 


AUCTIONEER (to the GUARD in charge of 
а group of disgruntled slaves who were 
not sold): All right, take all those slaves 
that weren't sold, all those rejectees, ov 
to the Colosseum, Sell them for lion bait. 
Get what you can. 

Suddenly, there is a commotion among 
the slaves. Josernus (Gregory Hines), а 
good-looking black slave in his early 30s, 
breaks free of the others, rushes over to 
the auctioneer and appeals to him. 

JOSEPHUS: Wait a minute! Wait a min- 
ute! I cannot go to the lions. Lions only 
eat Christians! I'm Jewish! I can prove 
it! “Hava nagilah . . . hava. . . .” Every- 
body! "Nagilah — 

The SLAVE AUCTIONEER’S GUARD begins 
to drag JOSEPHUS away. 

JosEPHUS: Yes! I'm Jewish! I'm Jewish! 
Call the rabbi. Call the cantor. Call 
Sammus Davis Jr.! He'll vouch for mel 

The солар is pulling on JosePHUs. 
The- AUCTIONEER goes over and yanks 
JosEPHUs' loincloth aside and peers 
down inside. 

AUCTIONEER: Jewish, huh? 

JosepHus (thinking fast): Uh . 
uh ... he missed! I jumped. He was 
nervous. . .. It was his first day on the 
job! Thursday . . . I'm getting trimmed 
on Thursday! For sure! 

The sound of a great commotion 
wipes out any further protests. COMICUS 
and swirtus turn to sce that a horse has 
fallen with a mighty crash. A big, burly, 
evil-looking priver is whipping the fall- 
en horse. A beautiful girl, miam (Mary- 
Margaret Humes), rushes over and grabs 
the DRIVER'S arms. The DRIVER raises his 
arm once again, to strike her. CoMICUS 
rushes in, grabs the whip and punches 
ihe DRIVER in the jaw. He goes down like 
a sack of polatoes, unconscious. 

MIRIAM: Oh, thank you, thank you! He 
was beating that poor exhausted horse. 

comicus bends over the horse and ex- 
amines him. He lifts the horse's front 
left hoof and dislodges a sharp stone. 

comicus: He's not really exhausted. 
This stone was in his hoof. Come on, 
boy, you can stand now. 

The horse, who has seen better days, 
gets to his feet. As the horse stands, the 
crowd applauds. swirtus, who has been 
examining the horse, speaks. 

swirtus: Wait a minute . . . I know 
this horse. He used to be the fastest 
horse at the chariot races in the Circus 
Maximus. His name is Miracle. 

MIRACLE recognizes his name and 
whinnies in delight. 

MIRIAM: Miracle . . . what a beautiful 
name. (Then, to comicus) What's yours? 

comicus: I'm Comicus. Im a stand-up 
philosopher. 

MIRIAM: I'm Miriam. I'm a vestal virgin. 

comicus: Oh, I'm really sorry to hear 
that. 

MIRIAM: I work at the palace. 

(continued on page 218) 


“You'd better figure on premature ejaculation, 
Charley ... here comes my husband!” 


PLAYBOY 


164 


BEN OSCZHIO 


(continued from page 146) 


“The minute he lied to her, he felt his penis growing. 


Tt was actually getting bigger. 


and snatched the faded snapshot. It 
was Brazil around the age of 20, stand- 
ing on a beach, holding a basket of 
fish. He was nude. His penis was bare- 
ly visible. The doctor stood close and 
whispered in his ear, “I know how you 
feel, you see? I would not torture and 
tease and cheat a man who is suffering 
as I suffered for many years. I only 
want to help you. Come. Sit down." 

Still staring at the photograph, Ben 
sat down again as the little man 
opened a drawer behind his desk. 
When Ben looked up, there was a 
small wooden carved figure before 
him. “This,” said Brazil, “is a statue of 
Mbigoné, carved by one of the few 
South American sorcerers qualified to 
invoke the power of the ancient Indian 
gods. Look at him.” 

Ben took the little figure cautiously. 
lt was heavy for such a small piece of 
wood. The carving was delicate and 
precise. It was the figure of a gnarled 
hunchback with heavy eyebrows, sharp. 
small, pointed teeth and clawlike 
hands. Ben noticed that the hump on 
his back was odd: It was perfectly cir- 
cular and it had ripples in it, hills and 
valleys, so to speak. “How, uh . . .” he 
started, then stopped. 

“How does it work?” Brazil supplied 
for him. 

Ben nodded. 

“Well, the ancient gods lived on 
worship and sacrifice. To put it an- 
other way, they needed the nourish- 
ment of human worship to live. That 
is still true today. If you believe in 
Mbigoné and make sacrifice to him, it 
nourishes him. He repays you.” 

“How do I make the sacrifice?” 

“Well, for five hundred dollars, I can 
impart that information.” 

"Five hundred bucks? Jeez, that's all 
I have in my checking account." 

“That's all you'll need.” 

"Will you accept a check?” Already, 
he'd thought about the problems of 
paying the rent, explaining the empty 
checking account to Katrinka and the 
ensuing argument. And he'd discarded 
those worries as inconsequential com- 
pared with having a penis he could 
strap to his leg. 

"Of course. If it bounces, the magic 
won't work." 

"It won't bounce," said Ben, writing 
itout. 

"Fine. "Thanks," the little brown man 
said when Ben handed him the check. 


n 


“Now, here's what you do... .” 
. 

It was a rather messy ritual. So messy, 
in fact, that Ben used his Master Charge 
(already over the credit line) not only to 
purchase the necessary ingredients but 
also to rent a cheap room in which to 
perform the rite. It wasn't easy getting a 
live macaw, a stray dog, a rhesus moi 
key, three small lizards, a bushel of chili 
peppers and a six-gallon pot past the desk 
at the Bidy Bed Motel, but he managed. 

"Two hours later, the room smelled of 
monkey piss, blood and birdshit, and 
Ben was throwing up in the toilet. His 
penis was exactly the same size, and he 
was out 500 bucks. He threw up again. 

When he got home, Katrinka was furi- 
ous. She'd called the deli and discovered 
that he hadn't gone to work. She sus: 
pected that he'd gone to “dip his pe 
again, and let him know in no uncertain 
terms that she'd tolerate none of his 
fooling around on her. Before he had a 
chance to remove his coat, she snatched 
the checkbook out of his back pocket and 
thumbed through it. When she found the 
balance, she shrieked. "What the hell 
have you spent our money on?" she 
screamed. "You rotten little bastard!" 
She began swinging at him. For a woman 
who weighed upwards of 300 pounds, she 
was quick and threw a solid left hook. 
The second one felled him. She stood 
over him in her bathrobe, her elephan- 
tine breasts swaying from her exertion. 
“Who is this Dr. Brazil? What did you 
pay him for? Do you have some kind of 
venereal disease, you little wart?” 

He shook his head. 

“You didn't pay some con man to 
make your penis grow, did you" 

He blushed and stammered. She kicked 
him. "You did, didn't you, you pathetic 
wretch?” 

\-n-n-no, dear," he whispered, know- 
ing that she could see in his eyes that he 
was lying. She kicked him again. But he 
didn't notice. Because the most wonder- 
ful thing was happening. The minute he 
lied to her, he felt his penis growing. It 
Was . . . it was actually getting bigger! 
He jumped up, bounced off Katrinka, 
ran around her and into the bathroom, 
where he frantically tugged down his 
pants. When he pulled down his shorts, 
tears welled from his eyes. He fell to the 
floor, sobbing with gratitude. It was at 
least six inches long. He opened his eyes 
and stared at it. He pinched himself. He 
splashed cold water on his face from the 


toilet bowl. He wasn't dreaming. It was 
six inches long. He jumped up and 
grabbed a toothbrush. He put one end 
at the juncture of his crotch and laid it 
against his penis. He knew the tooth- 
brush had to be at least six inches, and 
he was about half an inch longer than 
the toothbrush. His heart was pounding 
and tears welled from his eyes ag: 
Katrinka was slamming the door so hard 
that the glass on the sink was rattling. He 
pulled his pants back up and composed 
himself. He decided that he would be 
damned if she benefited from his new 
endowment. After all the years of belit- 
tlement, she hardly deserved to be the 
first to christen his gift from Mbigoné. 
He had better fish to fry. 

Suddenly, the door flew open and 
knocked him into the toilet bowl. The 
shock of the cold water soaking through 
his clothes infuriated him. Just as 
Katrinka grabbed for his throat to 
throttle him, he unleashed a straight 
right that caught her by surprise over the 
temple. She dropped like an immense 
blob of taffy falling from a spoon. 

With the help of vanilla extract 
rubbed under his nose, he spent the 
night at the motel room, since he'd paid 
for it. In the morning, he went to work 
a new man, his mind set on seducing 
Lottie, the redheaded waitress he'd lusted 
after for months but had always been too 
shy to approach. He began working on 
her right away. A little innuendo here, 
a pat there. They exchanged good- 
natured jibes all day and the sexual 
tension between them culminated in his 
asking her out for a drink after the deli 
closed. With no questions about his wife, 
she took him up on it, commenting as 
they left, "I've never seen you so confi- 
dent and relaxed, Ben. What's come over 
you? You act like you just came into a 
real wad.” 

Of course, it was a long night, and the 
best of his life. He put a couple of bot- 
tles and another motel room on the 
Master Charge. He didn't get home until 
four in the morning, still slightly drunk 
and smelling of Lottie's loud perfume. 
Katrinka had overdosed on baked pota 
toes and sour cream. She sat in a ch: 
slumped over the kitchen table, her head 
resting on her cellulite-padded arms. 
Seventeen hollowed-out potato skins sat 
in a serving platter covered with con- 
gealed butter. Four empty cartons of 
sour cream were on the floor. She held a 
fifth in her hand, He figured there was 
no point in sleeping, since he'd have to 
be at work in a few hours, so he decided 
to shower and drink some coffee till 
dawn. As he put the coffeepot on, Ka- 
trinka awoke with a groan. 

“Oohh. Shit," she mumbled, “no but- 
ter left." She focused her eyes and saw 
him beside the stove. Ordinarily, he 
would have been frightened of her. Now 


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PLAYBOY 


he felt only contempt bordering on pity 
as she pushed herself to her feet, trying 
to stare him down as she rose. 

“Bastard. Skinny little bastard. Been 
putting up with you too long, you little 
piece of a man. Nobody hits me. No- 
body.” With that, she picked up a serv- 
ing platter and flung it at him, but he 
ducked and she fell down, slipping on a 
bit of spilled sour cream. As she hit the 
floor, he stepped over her and went to 
take his shower. She tried to push herself 
up but couldn't. He heard her puffing 
and scuffling with the furniture, but he 
didn’t go to help her. 

“Come help me, Benjamin!” she 
screamed. “I can't get up, you bastard!" 

“Tough. Go on a dict," he yelled back. 

Then she burst into tears. For some 
reason, he felt guilty. She had never 
cried in the entire 16 years of their mar- 
riage. He went back to the kitchen and. 
looked at her. She wore only her night- 
gown, which had slid up to her enormous 
buttocks. She Jay on her stomach, her 
entire body shaking with her sobs. 

“Are you just going to let me lie here?” 
she said, sniffling 

He said nothing. He was wondering 
how he had ever let himself get hooked 
up with such an awfullooking woman. 
Boy, was she fat. 

“Benjamin,” she said. wiping her face 
and nose with the end of her nightgown, 
where were you last night? Were you 
seeing some woman? Were you spending 
money we don't have to boost your piti- 
ful little ego one more time? 

His first impulse was to say, “Yes, and 
I had the greatest lay of my life with a 
woman who weighs one third of what 
you weigh,” but he didn't. She looked so 
pitiful lying there, and he now felt so 
superior to her, that telling her the truth 
would be a cheap shot. So he lied. “I 
was looking for a night job. Night watch- 
man's job. Wanted to try to make it up 
to you, spending all our money.” It 
wasn't a very convincing lie. It certainly 
didn't convince her, he could tell. But of 
far greater importance was the fact that 
he could feel it growing again. Again he 
ran to the bathroom, locked the door 
and pulled his pants down. It was still 
getting longer. As he watched it, it went 
from seven to eight, eight to nine, nine 
to ten, ten to eleven and, “Holy Moly,” 
he whispered. It was a foot-long whopper. 

He heard Katrinka crawl into the bed- 
room, shut the door and lock it. He 
ed а few moments, then went to the 
bedroom door. “I'm going to work, dear. 
I may not be home until late.” 

There was silence. “Do you mind if I 
come home late?” he asked. Again, there 
was silence. He had a feeling that she 
wouldn't care if he never came home. 
And he wasn't sure he wanted to. 

As he walked to the bus stop, he 


166 couldn't help putting his hand into his 


pocket and giving it a little squeeze now 
and then. God, it was big. And thick. 
He began to think: A man with a 12- 
and-a-half-inch prick shouldn't have to 
work in a delicatessen. I could be a porn- 
movie star. That was it. He knew what 
he had to do. First, call one of his hooker 
friends who'd acted in a couple of porn 
flicks and ask her if she could connect 
him with someone in the business. No, 
on second thought, he said to himself, 1 
think ГП go see her personally and try 
this big baby cut for size. He chuckled 
at his bad joke. 

He stopped to call in sick at the deli. 
‘They wouldn't like him being out two 
days in one week, but he had had a 
nearly perfect work record for 17 years, 
and he knew the old man wouldn't fire 
him. 

Hello, Mr. Epstein?” 

“Yes, Ben. Are you coming in today?” 

“Well, no, sir.” 

“What's the matter? You sick? Look 
here, Ben, I don't know if we can handle 
the business today if you're not here. It's 
"Thursday. First Lottie came in late look- 
ing like she spent the night in a clothes 
drier, and now you call in sick. Tell me 
the truth, Ben. Are you really sick or 
are you just hung over? If you're just 
hung over, you can tell me. You can 
take a few hours and come in late; I 
won't mind.” 

“Mr. Epstein, I really am sick. I feel 
lousy. I'm not hung over.” 

“You're just hung up, right?” 

He didn’t want to say it, he knew he 
shouldn't have, but he couldn't resist. 
“Let's just say I'm hung, Mr. Epstein." 

"Well, let’s just say you're hanging 
yourself with this job, Ben, if you aren't 
in here tomorrow morning. You don't 
sound sick to me. Goodbye." 

Fpstein hung up, but Ben didn't really 
notice. His attention was focused on his 
groin, where he felt a familiar stirring. 
It was growing again. It was creeping 
down his leg, soft and warm like blood 
pudding. He didn't dare look while 
standing in a public phone booth. Be- 
sides, he didn't need to. He'd let Vicki, 
his favorite hooker, look at it when he 
got to her place. He called her. 

"Hello?" She sounded sleepy. He must 
have awakened her. 

“Vicki? It's Ben. I'd like to come over 


“Oh, Ben. You know I don't like to 
work in the morning. Can't you wait 
until tonight?" 

“I just want to talk to you. Can you 
spare a few minutes? Just a few minutes? 
I want to show you something.” 

"What? A present?" 

“You might say.” 

She yawned. “Well, you know me. 
Never one to turn down a present. Come 
on over, big man.” She always called him 
big man. He paid her to, but she never 


failed to say it as though she meant it. 
Now, he thought, as he stepped onto the 
bus headed east, she can say it and mean 
it without being paid to say it. Sitting on 
the bus, he noticed that a young man 
with а crewcut and a leather jacket was 
eying him intensely. Well, not really him. 
His thigh. He looked down. It was sitting 
on top of his thigh, appearing as if he 
were carrying a piece of garden hose 
under his pants. Realizing why the young 
man was staring at him, he stood up 
quickly and went to the back of the bus. 

As soon as he entered Vicki's apart- 
ment, he dropped his pants. 

“Holy shit!” she exclaimed, and he 
loved it, She grabbed it, stretched it out, 
squeezed it all the way up to his balls. 
“Jeceexus, will you look at that?” she 
whispered in awestruck tones. “Now, 
that’s a dick.” 

‘Have you ever had one this big?” 

She shook her head and pulled him 
onto the bed. "No, but I'm going to. 
Take it easy, big boy. I've been around, 
but I've never been around nothing like 
this." A moment later, she was screaming, 
“You're splitting me open!" and she 
wasn't lying. 

Afterward, he told her the story of 
Brazil and revealed his hope of becoming 
a porno star. 

“Well, you've certainly got the equip: 
ment," she said, but added, "You're 
lucky it didn't get much bigger. It’s al- 
ready too big for some women, let me tell 
you. If it was two inches bigger than that, 
it would probably scare even me, and 1 
had a pimp once who had fourteen 
inches, so I'm kind of used to big ones. 
And let me tell you, another six inches 
and you can forget coming back to me. 
I don’t think any woman in her right 
mind would let you get something that 
big inside her.” She made a few phone 
calls, and Ben left her place with appoint- 
ments to see two local porn-film makers. 

By the end of the day, he had $400 in 
advances against his fees for appearing 
in two porn movies that would be filmed 
the following week. The last guy who 
interviewed him gave him hope for a 
long career. “With that tool, baby,” the 
fellow said, “you'll never have to make an 
honest living as long as I'm in this busi- 
ness. Гуе had a few black guys with 
cocks nearly that big. but that's kind 
of threatening to white customers, you 
know? But a salami like that on a white 
guy is inspiring, you know? Really in- 
spiring. You're lucky it isn't any bigger, 
it would be gros, you know what I 
mean? І couldn't use you. Besides, I don’t 
think I could get a woman to fuck you. 
You're just big enough, you know? Just 
big enough to be inspiring." 

"That night, he got a room in another 
motel, took a bottle of Scotch with him 
and stretched out on the bed to look at 

(continued on page 168) 


EROY NEIMAN 


:SKETC-BOCK: 


E е гь Аг m 


1 WAS TURNED ON TO SOCCER by the great Pelé when he joined my hometown team, the New Yark Cosmas. My eye was thus educated in 
the game's moves by watching the best. In my opinion, soccer is the most elegant спа graceful af all the inflated-bladder-boll sports. 
However, it may appear to be only that ta a new spectatar wha, from a distonce, perceives only the swift mavement up and dawn the 
field. But up clase, one sees that the going can be rough. The speed of the ball is awesame. Once, when | suited up far o game warm- 


up with the Tampa Boy Rowdies, I fielded a роз from Radney Marsh that traveled with such force І limped off the field. LN. 167 


PLAYBOY 


168 


BEN OSCZHIO 


television and think. Suddenly, he had a 
terrifying thought that made him sit up, 
turn off the television and start pacing 
the floor. It got bigger every time he lied. 
Why was that? He remembered Brazil 
saying something about Mbigoné's being 
the god of seduction and deceit. That was 
the tie-in, Whenever he was deceitful, 
Mbigoné gave him another six inches. 
However, Vicki and the porn producer’s 
warnings also remained with him: If it 
grew much bigger, he wouldn't be able 
to find any woman who'd be willing to 
take it on. 

As the full realization of his predica- 
ment dawned on him, he sat down and 
slapped his knee. "Ouch!" he yelled, 
haying whomped his member. When the 
pain subsided, he thought, I'll never be 
able to tell a lie again. Each lie gets me 
six inches. That could get real embarrass- 
ing after a while. More embarrassing 
than a tiny penis. At least a tiny penis 
is hidden. What do you do to hide a 
three-footer? The more he thought about 
it, the more worried he became. He 


(continued from page 166) 

wasn't a dishonest man by nature, but, 
like most people, he told half-truths and 
little white lies now and then. But he 
couldn’t anymore. Never. If he was to 
remain 18 inches long, he would have to 
be as truthful as a saint. And a saint he 
was not. He thought about the 1001 
situations in which something, someone, 
could trip him up and induce him to 
tell a lie before he thought about what 
he was saying. The people on the street 
with the tags on tag day. "I already have 
а tag at the office,” he used to say. No 
more. His mother calling from New Jer- 
sey to ask if he liked the wool pajamas 
she sent him for his birthday. He would 
ordinarily say he loved them, but that was 
а lie. He would have to hurt her feelings. 
The only way out of the predicament, he 
realized, was never to speak again. But 
when he thought about the myriad in- 
conveniences it would create, he became 
more dejected than ever. He'd never be 
able to get through the rest of his life 
without speaking. And if he spoke, he 
knew the moment would inevitably come 


“Now, let me get this straight . . 


you wanted a 


couple of callgirls?” 


when he would lie. And there he'd be 
with 24 inches and no hope of making 
love to a woman again. What would he 
do? How could he satisfy himself? Then 
a thought occurred to him that made him 
burst into laughter, the howling laughter 
of a man half mad. He could rent a 
horse! Get Vicki to make a cassette re- 
cording saying, “I feel like Ет being 
fucked by a horse,” and play it while . . . 
but where do you keep a horse in New 
York? And what if I lie again? Elephants? 
Sneaking into the zoo at night . .. what 
if... whales? 

As those thoughts swirled in his head, 
he gradually grew sleepy and dozed off. 
While sleeping, he had a horrible dream. 
He dreamed that his penis was getting 
longer and longer, that he couldn't stop 
it. It crawled down his pants leg and into 
his sock, then started bulging out of his 
sock, bending along the shaft so that it 
looked like he had a bow in his pants. 
Then the head popped out of his sock 
and began creeping along the street like 
a gigantic pink python wearing a purple 
derby. twisting this way and that, crawl- 
ing into gratings and slithering off the 
curb. In his dream, he was trying to roll 
it up, pull it up, tuck it in, before people 
on the street noticed it. Then people 
started stepping on it in crowded eleva- 
tors. Cars rolled over it. It was now 
nearly 14 feet long and growing. It got 
slammed in doors, Dogs and rats tied 
10 take bites out of it. Women screamed, 
police were running after him. He ran 
and ran and finally hid in an alley, 
where, by chance, he found a discarded 
knapsack. He rolled his penis up like a 
fire hose, stuck it in the knapsack and put 
the knapsack over his back. He was on 
his way home when he happened to 
glance at his reflection in a department- 
store window. He was not himself. He 
was bent, gnarled, with sharp teeth and 
bushy eyebrows. He was Mbigoné. And 
suddenly he realized what Mbigoné's 
strange rippled hump was: It was his 
penis, rolled up on his back. Ben awoke 
shaking and sweating. He had to sce 
Brazil. He didn't want a telephone pole. 
All he'd wanted was a lousy three inches. 

Although it was nearly midnight when 
Ben arrived at Brazil's office, Brazil was 
there. As if he'd been expecting Ben. 

"Come in. Sit down," said the little 
brown man with a faint smile playing 
across his lips. Ben noticed for the first 
time how sharp the little man’s teeth 
were, how much he resembled the statue 
of Mbigoné. 

Once seated in front of the doctor's 
desk, Ben blurted out his fears. 

"So is there any way I can make it 
just stay the way it is? 

“Well, unless you speak the truth, not 
really," said the doctor, and Ben's heart 
sank. 

“But I can't be sure I'll never lie again. 
And if I lie too much, ГЇЇ become a 


if Ride’em, Calvert. A Canadian that stays 
> xt ontop, thanks to the efforts of four 
| =~ great distilleries from Manitoba to Quebec, 
who just won't settle for second best. 
| Lord Calvert: Lord of the Canadians. 


PLAYBOY 


170 


freak. I don't want to be a freak, doctor. 
I just wanted to have a big penis. 

“And you havé one,” said the doctor. 
“However, since you seem so distraught 
by this, I confess that there is one solu- 
tion to your problem, but its a rather 
unpleasant one, I'm afraid." 

"Tell me,” said Ben. “I'll try anything, 
as long it doesn’t kill me.” 

"Well" said Brazil, "theres another 
ancient god, or, rather, I should say 
goddess, who shrinks things if properly 
worshiped.” 

"How do 1 get on her good side?” 

The doctor reached into his desk 
drawer and pulled out another small 
carving. “First, you ought to meet her. 
She's called Lacavérna." The figure he 
set on the table was carved of ivory. It 
was of an extremely fat, little naked 
woman straddling a tall toadstool. The 
crown of the toadstool was hidden be- 
tween her legs. She looked as if she were 
going to take the whole thing, which 
was almost as tall as she was, into her 
roly-poly body. The expression on her 
face was that of unbridled lust. 

"Lacavérna can shrink anything. She 
was thought to be the goddess in charge 
of making people shrink as they grew 
older. The natives still worship her for 
cancer cures. It's said that she can shrink 
tumors if properly entreated.” 

“Well, how do I entreat her?” 

“Does the thought of human sacrifice 
frighten you?" 

“Uh, no,” Ben said. But he lied. And 
as he said it, he felt the dreaded reaction 
occurring along his thigh. “Oh, shit,” he 
moaned, “it's going to two feet.” 

Dr. Brazil merely nodded and placed 
the little ivory figure in Ben's hand. “For 
another five hundred," he said, “I'll tell 
you how to shrink it back to its regular 
size. That is, if you're willing to conduct 
the sacrifice. Are you sure you want it 
back to its original half inch?” 

“Yes, I'm sure,” said Ben. But he wasn't 
sure. And because he wasn't sure, it 
began growing again. It was now dan- 
gling against his shin. “Yes, I'm sure,” he 
said, and this time he meant it. 

"OK," said Brazil “This is what's 
required. "The ritual itself is very simple. 
No blood, no animals. All that's necessary 
is that you say certain words over the body 
ofa woman you've just fucked to death.” 

"Huh?" said Ben. 

"Fucked to death," said Brazil "Is 
there anyone you can think of offhand 
that you wouldn't mind fucking to 
death?” 

Ben thought a while, theh replied, 
“Yes. My wife, She's the coldest, cruelest, 
most ugly, fat, abominable human being 
on earth. She's such a pig that she doesn't 
deserve the pleasure of being fucked to 
death, but I'll do it to her, anyway. If 
there's anything that'll shut her up for 
once and for all, that'd be 

"Fine. Take the statue. Once you've 
invoked the power of Lacavérna, you'll 


never be able to reverse the process. 
You'll be a half inch for the rest of 


“But I don't have five hundred dollars 
right now. I have about three hundred 
and fifty in cash." 

“That'll do," Brazil said. “I'm leaving 
town for a while. I need some spending 
cash for my trip 

“Where are you going? How'll I reach 
you?” 

"No need. Besides, you won't be able 
to reach me. Where I go, no white per- 
son knows. I go back to get more en- 
chanted statues from my homeland. A 
place in the mountains. You wouldn't 
ever find it, even if you tried.” 

"Well, OK. You're sure this'll work?" 

Brazil nodded and stretched out his 
palm. Ben gave him the money and took 
the little fat lady. 

When he opened the door to his apart- 
ment, the lights were off. He sniffed a 
few times to determine what Katrinka 
had been eating. Usually, he recognized 
it right away: cheezets, pizza, peanut 
butter, raw cake batter, whatever. But 
this time there was no smell of food. 
Only the faintest smell of something 
sweet. He couldn't put his finger on it. 
He hung his coat in the closet and then 
realized that he was smelling perfume. 
Katrinka never wore perfume. The clos- 
est she got to wearing perfume was when 
she was eating five-pound bags of cin- 
namon drops. But it was perfume he 
smelled. 

"Katrinka?" 

"I'm in the bedroom, Ben." Her voice 


.was unexpectedly gentle, almost girlish. 


And she never called him Ben. Always 
Benjamin and sometimes Benjy. He went 
to the bedroom. She was under the cov- 
ers, just her head sticking out. She'd put 
on make-up. It was a bit garish, but 
nonetheless she looked like a different 
person. She had never worn make-up be- 
fore, even at the deli. But more than that, 
her cheeks were rosy. Not with rouge but 
with blood. Her cheeks were usually 
pasty white. 

"Katrinka?" 

"Come here, Ben. I want to talk to 
you. L want to tell you something." 

He walked to the bed and sat down. 
Her bchavior was so different, so—so 
feminine. He almost forgot that he had 
to kill her. 

"Ben," she said, sighing deeply and 
looking at him tend "I did a lot of 
thinking today. A lot.” She sat up and 
put her hands on his cheeks. The sheet 
fell away. She had oiled her body. It still 
wasn't a pretty sight, but at least her 
E didn't look sallow and dry. She 
pressed her fingers to his lips. “Today, 
when you left, I realized that I don't 
care how big your penis is. All I care 
about is that I don't want you to leave 
me. Do you understand?” 


His head was swimming. Was this the 
same woman who, only that morning, 
had tried to skull him with a turkey plat 
ter? The same woman who possessed а 
left hook comparable to Joe Frazier's? 
The same woman who could eat seven 
pounds of marshmallows at one si 
then spend five hours with a 14-inch 
vibrating dildo? 

She lay back and tried to cover her 
breasts, but it was impossible, as each 
one was approximately as long as the top 
half of a fire hydrant, He pushed her 
hands away. “I want to suck them, feel 
them,” he said roughly, in a way he'd 
never spoken to her before. She blushed 
and wiggled and jiggled. He ran his 
hands over the soft folds of her body and 
she spread her legs for him. 

“I don't know what you're trying to 
do, Katrinka," he s "I don't know 
what you're up to. But whatever this 
act is, I'm going to reward you for being 
such a good actress. I'm going to give 
you something you've always wanted." 
"You've given me all I need already, 
Ben," she said. 

"But I haven't given you what you 
wanted. Tonight you're going to get it." 
With that, he stood up and unbuckled 
his pants. “Watch closely, Katrinka.” 
He paused a moment, then let his pants 
fall and stepped out of them. 

She turned several colors. He'd heard 
of people doing that, but he'd never 
actually seen it. At first. her face turned 
stark white, then pale bluish. Then the 
color returned and went from pink to 
a bright-red flush, then bluish again as 
beads of sweat began breaking out over 
her upper lip. She was breathing 
heavily. 

What з 
could barely speak. 

"That, Katrinka, is my penis.” Now, 
in this moment, he reveled in it. He 
fancied keeping it forever, bringing it 
out for her maybe once a year to let her 
drool over it. Sublime torture. But he 
cast those thoughts out of his mind and 
recalled his dream. Recalled what it 
would be like to live as a freak. Re- 
called all the humiliation he had suffered 
from her all those years. 

"Could . . . could I touch it? Is it 
real?" She reached out and he grabbed 
her hand and guided it first to his crotch 
where it began, then down, down, 
down. All the way down. 

“Ben? This is your penis? I mean ... 1 
mean, this is really your penis?" 

“It’s not a loan from somebody else, 
if that’s what you're asking. 

“Oh, no, no," she laughed, “it is 
yours. It’s obviously yours. It looks just 
like it did before, the same bumps and 
wrinkles and everything. But bigger. 
Oh, it’s yours, Ben. How did you get it?” 
She couldn't help running her hands 
back and forth along its shaft. It 
couldn't help responding. 

“Do you really care how I got it?" 


that, Ben?" She 


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PLAYBOY 


172 


“Oh, Ben, no. I mean yes. I mean 
yes, but later. Oh, come here.” She was 
pulling it, kissing it. It was coming up, 
Straightening out, throbbing, ng. 
The head was getting to be the size of 
a gradeA Florida grapefruit. The 
thought that no woman would ever be 
able to get it into her mouth gave him a 
twinge of regret. but then he reminded 
himself that it wasn't going to stay this 
large. He was going to have one good 
last fuck with then do the ritual 
with the statuette in his coat pocket 
and go back to five eighths of an inch. 
He pulled away from her to remove his 
shirt and socks. His shirt was no prob- 
lem, but when he bent over to yank 
off his socks, his turgid member hit him 
in the nose. Finally, he stood before her 
nude. Her gleaming body seemed larger 
than ever to him, It spread across the 
bed in great waves of flesh, and every 
inch of that flesh was blushing with de- 
sir 


Are you ready?” he asked, just to 
tease her. She couldn't speak. She just 
nodded her head and spread her legs 
as wide as she could. Her thighs parted 
like the pink sea and he dove in, all the 
way in. He hoped he'd give her a heart 
attack or rupture something on the 
first thrust, but, to his amazement, she 
dosed around him like a glove. He 
couldn't imagine where she was putting 
it. He began hammering away. It started 
to feel wonderful. He found himself 
hammering less and thrusting more. 
There was something about her im- 
mensity that fit his own perfectly. And, 
try as he might, he couldn't exhaust her. 
He had been sure that so much exertion 


would give her a heart attack. But she 
heaved and moaned and heaved 
moaned and although she said * 
seve times, she didn’t. And 
he suddenly thought, ГИ have to do it 
tomorrow night, instead. 

It had never been so satisfying. That's 
what amazed and confused him. In fact, 
later, as he looked at her lying beside 
him, sleeping like a warm, gargantuan 
pink beanbag, he couldn't help feeling 
a wave of affection for her. Damn if 
she hadn't taken him all in and made 
him like it. He pulled the covers over 
her and patted her behind. She mur- 
mured and coocd in her sleep. 

He walked to the bathroom to pee, 
then realized his erection still hadn't 
fully subsided. He stood three feet from 
the toilet, pointing the head down, 
waiting, when he remembered the little 
statue in his coat pocket. Suddenly, he 
felt the piss coming. It emerged with the 
force of a hose, He remembered how 
he'd always been afraid to get into 
pissing contests with other boys when 
he was a kid. Now he smiled, knowing 
he could probably piss half a block 
after a quart of beer. 

He went to the closet and reached 
into his coat. His fingers closed over 
the little ivory statue of Lacavérna. He 
pulled it out and looked at it. She was 
kind of cute for a fatty, he thought. He 
loved the bawdy expression on her face. 
He sat down in the living room, sighed, 
patted Lacavérna fondly and thought, 
Well, litle lady, I guess I've got my 
work cut out for me if I'm ever to shrink 
this fella. He shook his penis, He hated 
to admit it, but the longer he had it, 


“Гое got a heavy breather. 


the more he liked it. He resolved to 
reverse the process the following morn- 
ing, before he fooled himself into think- 
ing he could keep it and never lie. He 
would have to fuck Katrinka to death. 

But as he went to the bedroom, a 
thought kept nagging at him. How she 
could take it all in. She was only 5/7” 
at most, and her upper body couldn't 
be longer than three feet, all the way 
up to the top of her head. And his penis 
was a good two and a half feet long 
and ten inches around. How could she 
have taken him all in without a rupture, 
nothing? 

Hc crept into the bedroom and looked 
at her again. Usually, she snored like 
a door buzzer every four seconds. But 
tonight she wasn't snoring. The smell 
of her perfume lingered in the air. 

The perfume. That was it. He went 
back outside the bedroom and smelled 
the statue of Lacavérna. It definitely 
smelled of the same perfume Katrinka 
was wearing. He'd never smelled any- 
thing like it before. He hadn't noticed 
how it smelled in Brazil’s office, but now 
he was almost positive. To be sure, he 
went to the kitchen and opened the re- 
frigerator, which was nearly empty. He 
set the statue ide, then washed his 
hands and arms in the sink. When he 
was sure he didn't smell of the perfume 
from Katrinka's body, he removed it 
from the refrigerator and sniffed it again. 
It was the same perfume Katrinka wore. 
He was positive. 

He was also confused. Staring at the 
statue in the glow of the refrigerator 
light, he noticed how very much Lacavér- 
na's body resembled Katrinka’s. how very 
much her face looked as Katrinka's had 
when she climaxed. He closed the re- 
frigerator and went back to the bedroom, 
resolved to ask Katrinka, when they 
woke up, what kind of perfume she was 
wearing. He looked around the room 
for a place to hide the statue and de- 
cided on the corner of the closet shelf, 
behind a pile of old sweaters. As he 
slipped it under the sweaters, his fingers 
touched something small and hard. He 
pulled it out. It was a statue, just like 
his. A fat little ivory lady squealing in 
ecstasy as she spread her thighs over a 
giant toadstool. It was the goddess 
Lacavérna. 

And then he realized that he had 
gotten what he wanted and that Ka- 
trinka had gotten what she wanted. God 
bless Brazil, whoever he is, thought 
Ben, as he crawled under the sheets and. 
huddled next to the soothing warmth 
of his wife's body.* 


*The reader may be interested to 
know that Ben and Katrinka lived 
happily ever after and that, from that 
night on, he was known to all as Honest 
Ben Osczhio. 

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TOMORROW'S ELECTRONIC BREAKTHROUGHS 


TIPS ON KEEPING YOUR 


t often requires little more than a 
t to your favorite hifi store to 

discover that electronic technology 
has advanced ahead of you while you 
weren't looking. Hardly a week goes by 
without some new future-shock gadget 
reaching the shops. To help you stay 
several strokes ahead of the personal- 
electronics tidal wave, here is a preview 
of some of the technologies and prod- 
ucts to watch for through the Eighties. 


LASEM 


ELECTRONIC SPEECH 

One research clfort, speech synthesis, 
seeks to create human words and sounds 
without records, tapes or pull strings 
Instead, speech patterns are stored like 
computer data inside memory micro- 
chips, Then a synthesizer chip tr 
forms the data into recognizable words 
we hear through a speaker- Texas Instru- 
ments’ 200-word Speak & Spell learning 

1, available since 1978, was one of the fist mass produced 
items with a human-sounding voice. Today, a female voice in 
Sharp's Talking Clock travel alarm that sells for about $90 
advises you to “Please hurry” if you roll over after the first 
warning. And Panasonic’s Talking Genius microwave oven 
(which will set you back about $750) verbally alerts the busy 
chef to changes in the cooking stages and counts down aloud 

nd seconds. 
ngchip makers, such as Texas Instruments, 
nd General Instrument, are starting to sell their 
гу technology to outsiders. Be prepared for more 
ike the one on the Datsun 810 Maxima, 
your lights off if they're left 
And more desk calculators like the S140 
P: ‚ which calls off the series of numbers 
you've keyed in while you keep your eyes on the paper to 
double-check your entrics. 
oup of future tinkerers, th 

ns, it is casier to make machines talk than it is to 
make them listen. With the wide variations in human pro- 
nunciation, specch-recognition equipment as yet has difficulty 
attaining high precision, a must. The first electronic ears to 
hit the market will be in simple remote control of electronic 
equipment. After microphoning your electronic speech pat- 
terns for a [ew command words into a color TV demonstrated 
by Toshiba, you'll be able to change channels and turn the 
set on or off without lifting a finger. 


gh, is finding that, 


FLAT VIDEO 

Millions of research dollars are being funncled into flat- 
screen video. The goal is not strictly to have J. R. E 
appear on a palmesized TV as thin as a pocket calculator— 
though such sets, demonstrated by Toshiba and Hitachi, could 
be available by 1984. And Brit arch is aiming 
its threc-indi-diagonal fla-tube TV fa bution in the 
$100 price range. 

Flat-panel screens can be used i 


wing 


places where а long-necked 


LIFESTYLE IN HIGH GEAR 


cathoderay tube (CRT) is not practi- 
cal. An automobile-dashboard display 
draw you a map of the best travel 
route as calculated by a master traffic 
computer, which remotely senses your 
location along a highway and the traf- 
fic flow ahead. 

Future hand-held games, using intri- 
cate color liquid-crystal displays (LCDs) 
or other systems called plasma and 
electroluminescent panels, will offer 
outstanding graphics resolution. Flat 
screens mounted in several places 
around your home will let you moni- 
tor tiny security camcras located at all 
entry points. And, because the new 
panels will be solid state in nature, they 
will become as affordable as a digital- 
watch display is tod 

To round out the home-entert: 
ment center will be а 50-inch-diagona 
color television in a self-contained, wall- 
hung panel. The immense picture tube, as foreseen by RCA 
and others, will be a mere four inches thick. And it will be as 
sharp as the brightest CRT on the market today. 


ш 
Bao 


VLSI 

In these four letters, initials for Very Large Scale Integra- 
tion, lies the future of the personal-clectronics revolution. 
Microchip makers are trying to squeeze ten times today's 
100.000 equivalent components onto a single one-fourth- 
square-inch sliver of silicon. Dimension na- 
nometers (billionths of a meter). If development of the present 
Large-Scale Integration (151) brought th Icula- 
tor down to ten dollars, then the possi ble effect of VLSI on 
price / performance ratios of future electronics is staggering 

The tiny VLSI computers that will control your home and 
office environments will have huge low-cost preprogrammed 
memories to act much more “intelligently.” АЙ computer- 
controlled devices will communicate with you comfortably 
your own language and won't require knowledge of the tech- 
nology inside. 

Massive memory storage is VISIS fi 
computers such as Quasars HHC system (configurations from 
$700 to $2000) will have high-density plugin program modules 
that will perform remarkable tasks of person 
education and information retrieval. Furure gene 
product category will feature interchangeable modules about 
the size of a matchbook that will flash the latest best seller 
across a self-contained flat-panel screen at a cost far less than its 
printed counterpart, Other plugin modules will offer self-help 
ruction and accredited courses. Hooking up your portable 
tutor to a telephone puts you in touch with a host computer 
a supervised exam to assure proper credit. High-lidclity 
music will be stored digitally in modules for playback through. 
a lightweight stereo headset. 

As dreamy аз many of these future products seem, they are 
in varying stages of development right now in top rescarch 
centers in the U. $.. Europe and Japan. —DANNY GOODMAN 


t target. Hand-held 


179 


PLAYBOY 


180 


ROBERT GARWOOD (continued from page 96) 


“The bomb fragments were in my back and in my 
head. I was deaf and I was almost blind.” 


GARWOOD. They ho'd three times. Ho, 
ho, ho. For Ho Chi Minh. you know; it 
ids like when we go hooray. hooray. 
hooray. 
PLAYBOY: What other times did you leave 
the camp? 

GARWOOD: I was on rice runs, 

PLAYBOY: When did you leave that camp. 
for the final time? 
GARWOOD: 1 w: two 
weeks on a rice run and then was or- 
dered back to the camp. and the camp 
commander called me up and told me I 
would be relocated. I asked him why 
nd he said that he didn't know but 
that 1 had made a lot of mistakes and I 
should think a lot and have some an- 
swers, 

PLAYBOY: What were the mistakes, did 
he say? 

GARWOOD: No. 

PLAYBOY: Did you know? 

GARWOOD: Well, I'd been stealing from 
the Vietnamese medics and guards. I'd 
steal from one guard's pack, put it in an- 
other guard's pack to create a disturb- 


sou 


for about 


gone 


ance among themselves. So when I'd 
steal something from the Kitchen, the 
guards would suspect themselves. 
PLAYBOY: So they considered you а 
troublemaker? 

GARWOOD: Yeah. but they said it in harsh- 


er terms than just a troublemaker. Then 
this guy from the MCR-5—what they 
ganda ofce—come down. 
was Mic, and he 
started throwing a bunch of quesi 
me, asking if 1 didn’t think Id really 


ons at 


pulled the wool over their eyes, shit like 
that. Then he said. "We know every- 
thing you've tried to do. but it didn't 
He said, “I don't know if you 
t or not, but the other Americans, 
they distrust you very mucli, they really 
k yo 
anything, do you 
nocent. But he told me 
making a selfcriticism. 
Then they moved me again. Uphill, very 
close to the propaganda headquarters. 
PLAYBOY: Were there any other Ameri- 
cans there? 

GARWOOD: Not that I could sce, That day 
was the last time I saw Americans. It was 
late in 1969. Seprember or October. 
PLAYBOY: How long did you stay in that 
camp? 

GARWOOD: Until 1970. 
PLAYBOY: What was your functi 
GARWOOD: Nothing. 
Diff 


y accomplished 
I tried to act 
10 think abc 


In't do a 


damn thing. nt people would 
come in and ask me questions—about 
the American POWs, who was their 


leader, who pur me up to it—— 
PLAYBOY: Put you up to what? 
GARWOOD: To stealing. And, 
kind of information had I rel 
other Americans? They w 
what kind of structure the 
POWs had. They thought 


so. what 
ed to the 
nted to know 
American 
t there 


would have been a structure built and 
that І was 


iding in the structure—by 
1 giving information. 
What did you tell them? 
GARWOOD: I told them that if there 
any structure at all, I didn't know about 


was 


“Oh, Mr. Wright, what more could 
a girl ask? ‘A loaf of bread,a jug of 


wine, and thou.... 


the CIA. So he says, "You think we're 
very stupid, don't you? You were cap- 
tured driving a brand-new jeep, brand- 


new clothes, with а 45, and you're uying 
to say you're a Pfc. in the Marine Corps! 
We have your trip ticket. We know what 


a trip ticket is and we know what G2 is.” 
And 1 just laughed d, “Im 
sorry, 1 think you're And he 


You slipped up the first time you 
ked to me—you said you were a chap- 
lain’s aide, and a chaplain is nothing 
more than a cover-up. a front. for CLA” 
PLAYBOY: What did they do with you 
then? 

GARWOOD: Nothin’, really. 1 was there 
until the middle of 1970, when the 
whole damn arca was bombed by B-52s. 
I was wounded. I think practically all 
the damned camp was Killed ог wound- 
I was unconscious—when І woke 
up. I was in. like, the dispensary. 1 had 
no clothes on at all and I was lying on 
the table, and they were bandaging my 
head and my back. The bomb fragments 
were ny back and in my head. I 
didn’t even know the bomb hit, just like 
а big blam! 1 didn't see nothing else. I 
was deaf and I was almost blind. My 
ht was real blurry, but if you got close 


ed. 


to me. | could make out, like, a face. 
Alter ks to a month, my 
ted coming back. They gave 
me injections to strengthen my eyes. But 


my hearing was bad and there was pus 
coming out of my cars. My wounds were 
starting to heal a little. but my body 
still hurt a lot. There were North Viet 
namese troops in the dispen and 
when they saw me there, they started 
g disgruntled and making com- 
plaints, saying they felt that it was wrong 
that they should have to receive the same 
medical aid and other things as an Amer- 
can—that's they were fighting 
igainst. 

So they moved me about 500 fcet from 
the dispensary to a really small hootch. I 
couldn't move. That was about the small- 
est thing they ever put me in. Then one 
day, they came to get me. It had been 
decided that 1 would be moved to North 
Vietnam, where there would be better 
medical care, I didn't say nothing, real 
ly. Whatever they said, I did. 

PLAYBOY: What was your feeling at that 
point about the possibility of your re- 
55 

GARWOOD: Zilch. 

PLAYBOY: So you went to North Vietnam. 
in 1970. Did you travel on the Ho Chi 

Minh Trail? 

GARWOOD: 1 don't know what the damn 
trail was. We called it the Ho Chi Minh 
Trail, they didn't. They called it the 

Strategic Trail or some shit. 

PLAYBOY: How long did it take you to 
get there? 


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GARWOOD: Three months. Three months 
walking. 

PLAYBOY: What happened on the way? 
GARWOOD: My back was still banged up 
pretty bad, it had started getting infected 
and stuff, and they gave me some vita 
min Ву, injections along the way. One 
thing I noticed was they never let me rest 
at any of what they called the way sta- 
tions. They always made me rest at either 
age or a C.P. com 
pound. Three months, walking all the 
way. My eyesight got a little bit better, 
but my cars, my hearing—you almost 
had to shout to те—1 had a ringing 
sound ИК! 
were clo 
PLAYBOY: When you 
nam, what happened 
GARWOOD: They put me in a bus and 
moved me to a camp where I rested one 
day, and they put me in a military truck 
and took me to an army hospital. I re- 
member the hospital was number five. 
They deared out what looked like a 
damn storeroom—l'm sure that's what it 
was. They wouldn't put me on а ward, 
they put me in a storeroom, And put a 
hed in there. And they started treating 
my wounds. Eyes, ears, dysentery, back— 
I had a gut infection, all kinds of shit 
wrong with me. 

PLAYBOY: How long were you there? 
GARWOOD: About three or four months. 
Then they transferred. me to the army 
hospital in Hanoi. Army hospital 108. 
Again, I was put in a small room—it 
looked like a damn prison section, but 
its the ward where they keep all the 
people who have dangerous diseases— 
liver problems and chronic malaria, 
cholera, hepatitis—real diseases, I mean, 
killer diseases. They told me not to leave 
d not to talk to any of the 
now and then, you'd 
g the night, somebody was 
sacaming—"Aaagh!"—they were going 
Tt scared the hell out of me. 

I was there till March 1971. When I 
got out, they came and picked me up in 
a Chinese-type jeep and took me to a 
house—like one of those old houses way 
back that the Vietnamese landlords used 
to own. It ha ad а a brick wall built all the 
way around it. 
stairs floor and I remained there for 
about five or six months. 

PLAYBOY: Doing what? 

GARWOOD: Nothing. They just fed me. 
PLAYBOY: Did you go out and walk 
around? 

GARWOOD: Only in the back yard—it was 
really small. 

PLAYBOY: Was anyone elsc there? 
GARWOOD: There was an interpreter and 
a nurse and two security guards and one 
officer. 

PLAYBOY: What did they interpret? Did 
anybody try to interrogate you? 
GARWOOD: No, there were some officers 
who came down periodically and just 


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183 


checked on my health. I told them I was 
getting along fine. They brought a doctor. 
about twice a month. He checked my 
cars and my eyes and my nose. Iw: 
ry there for about five or six 
months, and then a truck came up and 
they moved me to another location. 
PLAYBOY: Who was there? 

GARWOOD: Myself and the same people 
that was in the first house, the guards 
and the nurse. It was a house converted. 
into a prison and all 1 did, I just sat 
around and listened to Hanoi radio. Just 
sat around on my ass. 

Then my health came back pretty 
good. This was after almost a year in 
North Vietnam, and one day a jeep with 
two officers came up and I was moved to 
a camp at Soi 
PLAYBOY: Sontay was 
y launched а 
wasn't it? Th aid? 

GARWOOD: Yeah. It was close by where I 
was. It was pointed out to me by the 
Vietnamese. They told me it was a very 
merican act. 

PLAYBOY: Did they put you in prison in 
Sontay? 

GARWOOD: No, they didn't 
the prison. They put me 
in the k of a mountain. They 
ight through the city and, you 
concerned, 1 didn't 
rth Vietnam or not. Jt 
tion I'd seen in about. 
years and it flipped me out. 1 stayed 
ontay for a little more than three. 


PLAYBOY 


here the U.S. 
to free POWs, 


t actually 
bout a mile 


years. 
PLAYBOY: Doing what? 
GARWOOb: We had to grow our own 


WE NEVER DREAMED we'd be adding | у 


PLAYBOY: You say we—who are we? 
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planted our own garden. Tha 


I you're а tnend of Jack Danid's, drop us a hne. We'd Ine to get to know you. 


We 
what we 
ust worked in the garden, 
brings you up to about 


did every d; 


Reagor Motlow built che front three rooms | "aver 1 
9 


іп 1952 and everyone wondered what he'd | carwooo: right. 


PLAYBOY: By that time, there had already 


do with the space. Since then, we've added | een the prisoner exchange. Did you 
Я i know anything about tl 

a little to the left of it and some to the GARWOOD; Yes, a little bit. 

right. And recendy we've Pm 

a GARWOOD: Ra б 

n mi newer rooms out NE RICE IS 
ack. Occasionally, good 
friends inquire as to how 


leased, too? 
CHARCOAL Sew the officer 
we've grown to such size. 


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GARWOOD: He said, "I don't know. You 
ought to ask somebody else." He said, 
“You ought to ask my superiors.” 
PLAYBOY: Did you ever have a chance 
to ask his superiors? 

GARWOOD: Yes, I did. It was just belore 
the last release of the POWs. They came 
to see me and the camp commander 
came over from the big camp. He asked 
what my opinion was about the release 
and then told me, “This is a big cove 
up by the U. S. Government. You don't 
think we're going to fall for any of 
the U.S. Governments wicks? Were 
not that stupid.” He kind of had me 
baffled there for a minute, 1 couldn't 
figure it out. Fd heard it on the radio, 
there was going to be the exchange of 
prisoners. But now this guy is saying 
there wasn't. They would give names 
over the radio of the people, the POWs, 
so I asked him again, "When am I going 
to be ased?” Well, he says, “You're 
a different category.” 1 asked what kind 
of category. He said, "We do not con- 
sider you a POW that has been cap 
tured.” So I was a prisoner, à prisoner 


who was really not a prisoner—but 
1 was. 

PLAYBOY: Did he say what they con- 
sidered you? 

GARWOOD: He said they were still con 
sidering me some kind of spy. and they 


had not determined my status. 

PLAYBOY: That was 1973? And you stayed 
there in that litle camp for—wl 
another two years? Alter all the other 
American POWs had been released? 
GARWOOD: Yes. And then, when they 
began closing in on Saigon, about mid- 
night one night, a jeep came again 
and took me ‚ and I—wound up 
in Yenbay Province 

PLAYBOY: Where is that? 

GARWOOD: That is way up north, near 
the Chi border. It was very dif- 
ferent. I was put into a very, very big 
POW camp. 

PLAYBOY: Who were the other POW: 
GARWOOD: ARVN, Thais and Lao: 
PLAYBOY. Did they you to 
doing anything? 

GARWO! ot at that point, After the 
fall of Saigon, the prisoners really start- 
ed powing in, thousands а day—every 
day. And then, right across the элес, 
they started building this new camp and 
it was unique. They brought in bricks 
They were building a damned house— 
like a house where the king would live. 
They built a wall around it and ever 
thing else and they built a watchtower 
like a miniature Alcatraz. And then they 
brought in dogs and | asked ther 
“Goddamn, what's going on over there? 
They said, "Some very special prisoners 
are coming." A couple of weeks later, 
I was sitting there, just sunning myself, 
when three trucks pulled up and people 
started getting out and they all wore 
civilian clothes. 

PLAYBOY: Vietnamese people? 


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PLAYBOY 


188 


GARWOOD: Yes. And they had suitcases 
1 duffel bags and all kinds of shit. 
Some even had radios. 1 thought it was 
as weird as hell. I kept looking and then 
a couple of guards got friendly and we 
were talking and they pointed out that 
one over there is General Thi and that 
one is General Lam, and so on. I asked. 
them, “General of what?" They said, 
The puppet army. We captured them 
1 Saigon when we overtook the pa 
nd we're bringing them here for 
education.” Then they took everything 
away from them. They confiscated every- 
thing, the radios, suitcases and all. and 
they issued their clothing like the cloth- 
ng that they issued me. 

PLAYBOY: Did you stay there in that camp? 
GARWOOD: Yeah. It was getting close 10 
1976 now. I was beginning to think, you 
know, What the fuck am I going to 
do with the rest of my life? I might end 
up in Vietnam forever. W! the hell 
am 1 going to do with myself, stay in 
this damned prison camp the rest of 


my life here in Vietnam or what? 1 had 
been there at the camp going on two 
ye: id it got to the point where they 
got a little relaxed. Once, I started 
talking to some of the villagers and I 
found out that this was the 
on camp from Dien Bien 
the last French prisoners were not re- 
leased until 1970. 200 of them from 
that very camp. They were Moroccans, 
from the French Foreign Legion. Some 
of them even had fami the prison. 
They had married prostitutes. They 
were finally released in 1970. 

PLAYBOY: So because of that, you didn't 
think your prospects at that point were 
so good. 

GARWOOD: Exactly. I started thinking, 
you know, Jesus Christ, they'd been 
there since 195: nd not released until 
almost 20 


nd that 


might as well try to make my life easier. 
I'm just making my life harder this wa 
There was no way out. 


ТЕЧ 


“Is that goddamn Lowe a crane operator, or 
is he a crane operator? 


PLAYBOY: You'd been captured for 11 
yea that point? 

GARWOOD: Right. Eleven years. I told 
myself, Jesus Christ, there is a possibility 
I'd be there 20 years or more, maybe the 
rest of my life. So 1 just thought to 
myself, Fuck й. The Americans have 
pulled out of here. I haven't seen no 
negotiations g 

out if anybody is here or not, me in- 
cluded, and nobody has come to ask 
me, and I just felt completely deserted. 
I mean, wholchearted. totally. completely 
deserted. And my morale was low. So 
that is when J decided І would do ar 
thing | could to try to make my lile 
casier in the camp, try to make it more 
comfortable. 

PLAYBOY: What was your life 
you still guarded? 

GARWOOD: Well, there were only two 
gates going in and out, but inside the 
camp itself, 1 was allowed 10 move 1 
ly as long as I didn't go within any of 
the small camps. I could move from 
my hootch to anywhere in the camp 
long as I didn't go into any building 


ing on to find 


c? Were 


without permission. 
PLAYBOY: How did you at that 
point? 


GARWOOD: I ate exacily what the guards 
ate. 

PLAYBOY: Was there a mess hall? 
GARWOOD: They issued me a mess kit 
and what I did was go down to thc 
kitchen and I would give them my mess 
kit and they would fill it full of food 
and I went back to my hootch and I ate it. 
PLAYBOY: How did you spend the 
gs? 


eveni 


GARWOOD: The evenings? I'd sing to 
myself or play cards wi 


Th 


h the guards. 
y played, like, a Vietnamese pol 
d solitaire 

PLAYBOY: Did they give you anything to 
read? 

GARWOOD: They gave me some Cuban, 
Russian newspapers. 

PLAYBOY: How about women? 

GARWOOD: Taboo. 

PLAYBOY: Did you ever manage to get 
around the taboo? 

САМООР: I tried to and I got in a lot 
of trouble. It was back in '74, at the 


y prison camp. The officer in 
of me had a wife. She was coming 
her husband. She in the 


Hell, all 1 did back then 
te. She came there quite often 
id she seemed to have a lot of sympathy 


was 


for me. I could tell the way she talked 
10 me and everything, She used to bring 
mc candy. Her husband got on her case 


a couple of times. He was a 
Well, I 
immediately focused my attention on 


her. You see, ar night, there was a couple 
of times 1 was left in that camp by myself 


AN ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE BOSLEY MEDICAL GROUP 


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transplanted hair styled a variety of ways.” 


“Too little hair and too much baldness. Hair transplanta- 
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of that, my friends and relatives kept insisting I looked 
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Still, 1 knew there was room for improvement, and after 
one consultation visit to the Bosley Medical Group, 1 
definitely decided to stop going through life as a bald 
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BMG the go-ahead until I had checked out several other 
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AN A-1 RATING 

The more places I visited, the more I became convinced 
that BMG was the only place to go. First of all, the 
Director, Dr. L. Lee Bosley, is Board Certified, and is a 
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In fact, the Bosley Medical Group is so advanced in so 
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A TRUE BELIEVER 
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Now I approach all my bald friends and patients with 
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г—Ог mail this request for information today—4 


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Includes over 40 close-up before/after photos of our patients; details 
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L. Lee Bosley, M.D., Director 
Certified Diplomate of the 

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6447 Wilshire Blvd.. (at La Cienega). 
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with her, because her husband would go 
to meetings almost every night. ] don't 
know what the hell the meetings were 
about. And the guards, a lot of times at 
night, they would take flashlights and 
they would go along the creek bank and 
catch fish and frogs and what have you, 
to cook in the soup, like a goulash. 

‘The first night that we were left alone, 
I was scared. I wanted to, but I was 
scared. І knew all she had to do was 
just go up and tell somebody and they 
would blow my ass away or something. 
"Then she made the first advance, she 
started talking, asked me about American 
women, you know, how American women 
kiss and how they make love, a bunch of 
stuft like that. 

So I kind of got the idea м 
getting on to, but that first 
not even attempt anything. But the 
second time. she was lying in the ham- 
mock and she took off her blouse, and 
then one thing led to another. I mean, 
hell, even if they blew me away, there 
was no way I could control myself. It 
was the first time in nine years I'd had 
a woman. 

PLAYBOY: It must have been a strange 
feeling. 

GARWOOD: Yeah. I went instantly. It was 
almost like a blink of an eye, really. 
PLAYBOY: Did you see her again? 
GARWOOD: Yes. When her husband came 
back, I was scared, because if he found 
out, he would blow me away in a second. 
Through all them years up until 1979, I 
was always scared, somehow he was going 
to find out and he was going to come back 
for me. But in 1975, I was transferred 
to the Yenbay camp and I never saw 
him again. 

PLAYBOY: How else did you spend your 
time? Any sports? 

GARWOOD: No, no sports at all. Basically, 
I just amused myself by trying to learn 
the Vietnamese language and culture so 
I could understand them better, so Y 
could understand just what was coming 
down on me. It was one of those things 
that kept me from going really crazy. 
PLAYBOY: Just how Vietnamized do you 
think you finally became? 

GARWOOD: I always slept on a mat on the. 
floor, I ate off the floor, squatted down 
like they did, drank out of old tin cups 
or bamboo shoots. When I started sitting 
in chairs again in the last couple of years, 
I'd get a backache. 

PLAYBOY: At this point in the narrative, 
you were up north in that camp. How 
did you get back down to Hanoi? 
GARWOOD: OK, it started іп 1977. It had 
been two years since I'd seen any kind 
of civilization, so I just kept demanding, 
demanding, saying I would really like to 
go to Hanoi for just any holiday, so I 
could see some people, see some kind of 
civilization, you know. And they kept 
telling me that the security wasn't good 
enough, that it was very dangerous, that 


if anybody found out I was American— 
because the Vietnamese hate the Ameri- 
cans very much—my life would be in 
great danger. 

This was always the excuse they gave 
me. Then, in "77. I got a real bad 
stomach ailment. They took me to the 
hospital in Hanoi, but I couldn't get in, 
they wouldn't check me in the hospital, 
and I had to stay in a house. It was 
about 20 kilometers from the hospital. I 
don't know how they found the house. 
I never inquired about it 
PLAYBOY: Who got the house? Whom 
‘were you with? 

GARWOOD: Guards and an officer. Then 
they finally admitted me to the hospital 
in a special room that was away from 
the other people and I was treated. But 
I became very acquainted with these 
guards. They had never been in any kind 
of battle or anything and they came from 
pretty well-todo families in North Viet- 
nam. Just out of curiosity, they asked me, 
they "It would probably be pretty 
easy for you to walk into a hotel and 
nobody would ask you anything. You 
look like a Russian or a Cuban,” Anyway, 
close to Christmas, they brought me to 
Hanoi and the officers, one lieutenant 
colonel, his name was Han, took mc to 
a tourist hotel in downtown Hanoi for 
Christmas dinner—which about flipped 
me out, And I found out, because I 
looked at the slip they had on the table, 
that it was a hotel just for foreign guests. 
I mean, they didn't have my nationality, 
nothing down there. Just foreign guest 
and the waitress joked with me like I 
was a damned Russian or Cuban or 


something. They explained that, you 
know, it was appreciation of the work 
1 did and that I kept the machine run- 
ning and all of that. They said, "Due to 
your progress we have decided to treat 
you to a Christmas dinner." That was 
the first Christmas, anything close to 
Christmas, I had known in 13 years. 

Anyway, I excused myself and I went 
out. I went out among the other for- 
eigners and nobody noticed me or any- 
thing and I just kind of wandered around 
and I stayed out maybe five minutes, 
then I came back in. That's how easy it 
was, And I started getting a little brave. 
And so I got back with my guards and 
told them I was walking around all over 
the damned place and nobody said any- 
thing. 

So we started talking and that's when 
the deal come up. One of the guards was 
a jeep driver. He was nor actually a 
guard, he was a jeep driver and he says, 
“When you have the chance, do you 
like to drink beer: 

God, I hadn't had a beer in 13 fucking 
years. “Do you like to drink beer?” І 
flipped out! I said yeah. He says, “Well, 
it's very dangerous, but we can do it if 
you cooperate.” And, immediately, they 
were getting real friendly, buddy buddy, 
so I just played along. The goddamned 
black-market racket was all it was. 

The deal was they would take me to 
Hanoi, give me the money, I would go 
in the hotel and buy liquor, cigarettes 
and candy. On the black market, those 
were the most called for, and very, very 
high-priced. In return, they would give 
me enough money to buy a pack of 


“Both the bank and my wife are penalizing me 
for early withdrawal.” 


189 


PLAYBOY 


190 


cigarettes and drink one or two beers. 
So I played sick a lot and they'd take 
me to Hanoi and there were always the 
same guards when I played sick. They 
wouldn't admit me to the hospital, they 
would just give me medicine and I 
stayed in the same place about 24 hours 
and then I'd hop in the vehicle with the 
guards and go to the hotel and start 
buying shit. This went on until the time 
I got out of Vietnam. That is how 1 was 
able to pass the note. 
PLAYBOY: The note that got you released. 
What happened that particular day? 
GARWOOD: It had got to the point they 
were pretty relaxed. I think they thought. 
that I wasn't so stupid as to try anything. 
Well, wc went to the Victoria Hotel to 
buy the same commodities. As I walked 
in. there were four people sitting there 
eating their evening meal and I heard 
опе man saying, "ГШ be returning to 
Washington. . . ." It distinctly caught my 
attention, so I sat down at the first table. 
I listened to him talk. They had given 
me the money in an envelope and I took 
it out and on the back of it I wrote 
down, "I am an American. Are you in- 
terested?” And I wadded it up and I 
asked the guy for a cigarette and I 
dropped it in his lap. 
PLAYBOY: You didn't say that you were a 
prisoner? 
GARWOOD: At that point, I only si 
'm an American, Are you interested; 


And he got up and started to come over 
to my table and I got up the same time 
and motioned him over to the corner 
and he asked me some questions: "Are 
you afraid to return to the United 
States?" And I looked at him like he's 
some kind of a dumb shit or something. 
I said, "Are you crazy? Why should I be 
afraid to retum to my own county?” 
So he didn't pursue that any further. He 
said, “What exactly do you want me to 
do?" I said, “I would like you to contact 
any American embassy or our U. S. mil- 
itary establishment and give them this 
note.” At that point, he gave me back 
the note and I wrote down my name, 
rank and serial number and U.S.M.C. 1 
said, “Just give them this and they'll 
know what to do.” He says, “Where are 
you staying now? Are you staying here 
in Hanoi?” I said, “No, I'm not. I'm in 
a forced-labor camp 100 miles from here.” 
PLAYBOY: Who was he? Do you know? 
GARWOOD: I know now. His name is Ossi 
Rahkonen. He is a Finnish banker or 
something, working for the World Bank. 
PLAYBOY: How long was it aftcr that 
episode that you heard you might be 
released? 

GARWOOD: Approximately six weeks to 
two months. But almost as soon as I went 
back to camp, things started to change. 
Security got real tight, they wouldn't let 
me leave or anything. I figured, Oh, I 
screwed up. They found out. I'm in real 


trouble. My rations had been cut and 
conditions started really to become like 
they was in the mountains. 

PLAYBOY: What was going through your 
mind about what might happen if they 
found out about the note you had 
passed? What were the worst possibilities? 
GARWOOD: Well, I figured it would prob- 
ably be a long, dragged-out interroga- 
tion—I don't know. It wouldn't be good, 
I was sure of that. 

PLAYBOY: But, ultimately, the risk paid 
off. They let you go. How did that come 
about? 

GARWOOD: They just come in one night 
and said to me, "You're going to Hanoi." 
They took me to Hanoi and put me in 
this little apartment, with four beds and 
a tiny table, and said, “You'll be meeting 
our commander soon.” And the next 
day, they outfitted me with some new 
clothes—a damned tailor-made suit. I 
couldn't believe it. There seemed to be 
a lot of chickenshit stuff going on for the 
next few days, but the next thing I know, 
I'm getting on the Air France plane. 
PLAYBOY: Stepping back from it all, how 
do you remember those 14 years in 
Vietnam? 

GARWOOD: They ripped my guts out. 
Actually, if you talk about human ex- 
istence, there's not much of that left 
in me right now. They did that to me. 
They took 14 years of my life away 
from me, and I've got no compensation 


| ERLANGER’ 


ERLANGER 


for that. Even that I'm back in the 
United States, it seems like everyone's 
trying to put the brunt of the whole 
Vietnam war on my shoulders—not on 
Ho Chi Minh and all the Communists, 
or whoever the hell was responsible for 
it. All I know is I spent 14 years in 
Communist prisons, and I would have 
gladly exchanged triple that time for 
any American prison, I'll tell you. And 
what did I do wrong besides putting 
on that uniform and going to "Nam 
and trying to uphold what this Govern- 
ment told me to do? My life has been 
destroyed, my family's life has been torn 
apart. It’s just going to be nightmares 
until the day I die. 

PLAYBOY. How do you feel about the 
Vietnamese people themselves now? 
What is your gut reaction? 

GARWOOD: I'll tell you something. My 
heart, my soul burns, it aches. I'm 
more mature now, but still I cannot 
look at an Oriental without picturing 
myself trying to strangle or kill him or 
torture him in some way. 

PLAYBOY: How do you feel about the 
Marine Corps at this point? 

GARWOOD: I have no animosity toward 
them. 

PLAYBOY: And you really feel you did 
nothing wrong? 

GARWOOD: The only thing I really regret 
is that I might have thought about the 
other person more. I was young and 


there was a lot of confusion, but I 
wasn't ready to lay myself on the line— 
not to the extent where I thought I 
would be killed. To this day, it bothers 
me. Maybe I could have helped more, 
even if it had meant putting my ass on 
the line. I was in a better position than 
the other POWs, so I might have helped. 
PLAYBOY: Aside from legalities, just look- 
ing at it morally, do you feel you've 
done anything that you should be 
ashamed of? 

GARWOOD: No, I don't. But that's some- 
thing that I'll probably be asking myself 
the rest of my life: Could I have done 
more? I saw 11 Americans die over there 
and it disturbed me, because I always 
felt that I could have been one of them. 
When I think back on it, this business 
about me deserting, or crossing over—it 
was a mixture of fear, revenge, survival, 
complete frustration. I had no one to 
turn to, no one to seek advice from. It. 
was a situation that I never thought 1 
could be in, and suddenly I was in very 
deeply and I didn't know how to get out. 
I was just trying to survive. 

PLAYBOY: How will you survive for the 
rest of your life, now that the court- 
martial is over and you've been dishon- 
orably discharged? 

GARWOOD: I went through so much shit. 
in the past 16 years that sometimes I want 
to give up and say the hell with it, you 
know. Just out of total frustration, iso- 


lation. When I was there, there was 
nobody to turn to, nobody I could talk 
to, nobody to give me advice, tell me 
what to do. I was completely cut off 
from the outside world and the years 
were just going by, and it seemed like 
there was no end. I was like some 
damned vegetable or a tree. They didn't 
give a shit. Every now and then, they'd 
water me and that was about it. 

So, right now, I actually feel very for- 
tunate, because I am still alive to this 
day, when I could very well have been 
dead. I'm 35 years old. You know, how 
many more years have I got in my life? 
I have no foundation. I have no wife or 
children. No job experience, career to 
look forward to. I guess there's still a 
few years left in my life before I reach 
40. Maybe I can get some schooling, try 
to get some kind of a profession. You 
know, the first thing I did when I re- 
turned to the States was to get a haircut 
and put on a Marine uniform. I didn't 
carry no placards, no antiwar demon- 
strations. I was very proud that I was 
accepted by the Marine Corps. And I 
have no animosity whatsoever toward 
the Corps. Whatever happened during 
the past 16 years was just a sequence of 
circumstances that were unavoidable. I 
thank God that I'm still alive to tell 
about it. 


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191 


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(continued from page 153) 


plays the crooked fight promoter, seems 
not to be cast as himself. 

The plot centers largely on Leon the 
Lovers beginning to believe his own 
hype and, with some prodding by the 
evil Syndicate, turning away from Jayne 
and succumbing to the temptations of- 
fered by some of his more luscious fans, 
played, appropriately enough, by Play- 
mates Rosanne Katon, Ola Ray and 
Azizi Johari. But while Leon the actor 
was cavorting before the camera, Jayne 
the wife was fuming behind it. 

“He had some love scenes in the movie 
with other ladies,” explains Jayne. “I 
figured he wrote the script, so this must 
be what he wanted to do. And I was a 
little disturbed by that.” 

Things got worse when director George 

Bowers got ready to shoot the big scene 
in which Jayne discovers Leon in bed— 
and not alone. Bowers suggested doing 
the scene in cuts, so that Jayne wouldn't 
actually have to see her husband in bed 
with three nude women. “It's just a mov- 
ie," Jayne shrugged, and she agreed to do 
an actual take. “When I walked in the 
door, it wasn’t just a movie,” she says. 
“I found myself getting mad. Leon tried 
to talk to me after the scene, but I just 
left the set.” 
Leon claimed he was just following 
e script—his own script, of course. 
hroughout the movie, we weren't get- 
ting along at all because of the pressures 
put on me as writer, producer and 
actor," he explains. "And there were 
many days on the set when I was waiting 
for the movie to be finished so ! could 
just leave, so I didn't have to be around 
her. The day we had our own love scene 
we were very mad at each other. It was 
almost like kissing a stranger. It was just 
two professionals doing what they had 
to do.” 

But that was six months ago and, with 
filming over, the tensions have disap- 
peared. Jayne has written many of their 
problems off to Leon’s dedication to his 
work. “Everything else is put aside until 
the project is finished,” she says. “And 
sometimes that also means a relationship. 
He likes everything he does to be per- 
fect. And that is certainly not a fault.” 

However, that doesn’t mean that Jayne 
is rushing into Leon's next movie project 
for her, a film biography of the late 
Dorothy Dandridge. She's waiting, in- 
stead, to see if a CHiPs spin-off she's 
filmed will be picked up as a series, and 
she also has Jayne Kennedy's NFL Re- 
port, a syndicated TV show. ready to go 
in the fall. When it comes to working 
with Leon, she says, “Once a year is 


enough.” 
Ly) 


“What the hell do you mean—turn the light off?” 


193 


PLAYBOY 


194 


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BEYOND THE PILL 


(continued from page 112) 
(30,000,000 sperm produced every day). 

The future of contraception lies in a 
method that answers both the needs and 
the mood of the times. The ideal meth- 
od divides the burden equally between 
man and woman, is not directly related 
to the sex act, does not introduce for- 
eign substances into the body and is 100 
percent effective and 100 percent safe. 

The ideal method does not exist. 

But there are three traditional meth- 
ods that at least partly fulfill the speci- 
fications and that, like the condom and 
the diaphragm, have been given new life 
in the wake of disillusionment with the 
pill and LU.D.s. They are sterilization, 
the cervical cap and natural family 
planning. 

When a man and a woman make love 
using a foolproof method of contracep- 
tion—when there is no possibility of 
conception—the sex act is isolated in the 
moment. It is disconnected. Biologically, 
it occurs outside time- 

It is not insignificant, then, that ster- 
ilization has become the second most 
popular method of birth control after 
the pill (which, to the extent it is almost 
perfectly effective, also isolates the sex 
act in the moment). The number of men 
and women sterilized has climbed from 
a total of 7.8 percent in 1965 to 19.3 per- 
cent in 1976. By 1979, almost 12,000,000. 
Americans had been sterilized, and thc 
figure is climbing at a rate of close to 
1,000,000 annually. 

This boom is due partly to advances 
in the methods —for both men and wom- 
en. "Since the early Seventies, female 
sterilization especially has become signif- 
icantly easier to do,” says Miriam Ruben 
of the Association for Voluntary Ster- 
ilization. “Now, like the male operation, 
it is an outpatient procedure under local 
anesthetic. Both female and male ster- 
ilizations are safe, quick and relatively 
painless—usually, the worst pain is the 
needle administering the anesthetic. 

“For the woman, it can be as simple 
as a one-to-one-and-a-half-inch incision 
at the pubic-hair line; for the man, a 
tiny incision in the scrotum—either one 
incision along the center line or two, 
one over each vas deferens. Then a 
little stitch. Fifteen minutes. My hus- 
band had a vasectomy, and ГЇ be 
damned if I can even find the scar. 

“Most of the anxiety (for men, espe- 
cially) centers on how it will affect their 
sexuality. They can become sexually 
active almost immediately. It all feels 
the same: same arousal and same sensa- 
tions. You still feel an ejaculation, ex- 
cept there is only semen, not sperm, in 
the ejaculate.” 

But the boom in sterilization is due 
not just to the advances in methods. It 
is also a result of the growing acceptance 


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of the idea. Ten years ago, steriliza- 
tion—especially for men—seemed ex- 
traordinary. Today, while not yet 


common, it no longer seems uncommon. 
“The only problems we run into,” 
says Ruben, “are the older men (and it 


usually is men) who were married, had 
kids, got vasectomies, and then got di- 
vorced. Now they're with a young wom- 
an who wants kids, and the men come 
back to us ask bout the possibility 
of having reversals done. 

“But even that is getting more and 
more likely. Some doctors are already 
having good results with reversals, 
though it's still on a limited basis. And 
as microsurgical techniques im- 
proved, the chances of reversals will 
improve—although no one should get 
sterilized counting on a reversal. 

"The best rule of thumb is: If you 
have any doubts, don't do it.” 

Despite that caution, sterilization is 
increasingly advocated by doctors for 
married women who have had enough 
children or who are past the safe child- 
bearing age and do not want children. 
And there is a determined attempt on 
the part of prosterilization groups—such 
as Zero Population Growth—to push the 
method, to make it even more accept- 
able by leavening the subject with hu- 
mor, eyen trivializing it. Last year, for 
Fathers Day, the Denver Zero Popula- 
tion Growth Foundation raflled off a 
vasectomy. Second prize was а year’s sup- 
ply (estimated at two gross) of pastel- 
colored condoms. Booby prize was one 
month’s free diaper service. 

. 

"Everybody says there's no method of 
contraception that is both not directly 
related to the sex act and safe,” says 
Seaman, cofounder of the Na- 
I Women's Health Network and an 
expert on women's health and contra- 
ception. "But I think there is one meth- 
od—the cervical cap." 

The cervical cap is exactly what it 
sounds like: a small cap that fits over the 
cervix. It is a traditional method of 
contraception, thousands of years old. 
The modern cervical caps, developed in 
1838, originally were made out of gold, 
platinum or silver, precious ore that 
этеп secreted within their bodies. 
Today, the caps are made of less roman- 
tic substances, such as plastic or rubber. 

In terms of effectiveness, salety and 
convenience, the cervical cap compares 
well with the competition. It is [ar more 
convenient than either the diaphragm 
or the condom. Like the diaphragm, it 
can be inserted and withdrawn by the 
wearer; unlike the diaphragm, it can 
be worn for relatively long periods of 
time. The metal cap used to be worn for 
a month and taken out just before each 
menstruation. The new rubber cap can 
be worn from three to five days, though 
it is left in too long—more than five 


days—it develops an odor. Also, the dia- 
phragm needs fresh spermicide with cach 
act; the cap does not. Some women put 
in spermicide when they insert the cap; 
other women follow tradition and do 
not use spermicide at all, a benefit of the 
cervical cap that takes on greater im- 
portance in light of the recent Boston 
University study. 

The only inconvenience involved in 
using the cap is that some men report 
feeling it when they are making love; 
however, some women report that the 
cap heightens their arousal, perhaps 
from the pressure against the cervix 

So much for convenience and safety. 
Now, effectiveness. 

Like foams alone (which have a use- 
effectiveness rate of 78 percent), sup- 
positorics (75-80 percent) withdrawal 
(75-80 percent) and lactation (only 60 
percent). the cervical cap tends to be 
dismissed as not a serious contraceptive 
method in America—even though it may 
have a use-cffectiveness rate surpassing 
that of the condom and the diaphragm 
and just short of the LU.D. and the 
pill: 91.4 percent, according to a study 
released in 1953, one of the rare studies 
done in the U.S. on the cervical cap. 

It amazes me that nobody in this 
county seems to want to do the low-cost 
research to improve barrier methods like 
condoms, diaphragms and cervical caps,” 
says Seaman. “I sometimes get very cyni- 
cal about it.” 

Her cynicism leads her to a couple of 
possible explanations: “If you work in 
methods fiddling with body 
functioning—as in the case of the pill— 
you may stumble into a Nobel Prize; but 
if you make a more effective and more 
sensitive condom or prove to the FDA 
that cervical caps work, it is less likely 


that Stockholm will call 
But ambition, says Seaman 
ably not as respoi 


is prob- 
ble for the neglect 
of cervical caps as is greed. 

“I felt there was pressure against the 
revival of the cervical cap from both the 


medical community and the pharmaceu- 
tical industry,” she says, "so in 1979, I 
testified at Ted Kennedy's Senate h 
ings on women and health. I said the 
bias against cervical caps in this country 
was probably due to the fact that it is 
such a low-profit method. Cervical caps 
don't have to be replaced as often as 
diaphragms, so the companies making 
them would not sell as many. And doc- 
tors don't like it because it takes so long 
to fit it, because it's not a high-turnover 
procedure.” The cervical cap just has lots 
of satisfied women supporting it, espe- 
cially in Europe. Even though about 50 
centers across the United States are now 
dispensing caps, the method is struggling. 

While the cap seems relatively risk- 
free, researchers at Harvard Medical 
School report that it has a tendency to 
dislodge during intercourse. Eight out of 
60 women studied became pregnant after 
their caps dislodged. It may be that the 
cap, like the diaphragm, should be re- 
moved morc often. 

The FDA has reclassified cervical caps. 
as devices approved only for investiga- 
tive studies. Although it is unclear how 
t will affect distribution of the caps, 
Seaman says, "Its ironic that the pill and 
LU.D.s—both demonstrably more dan- 
gerous than the cap—are readily availa- 
ble. Yet the cap, which in the past 15 
years has never led to a death or any 
serious complication, is almost unknown 
and hard to get. 


. 
The medical community and the phar- 
maceutical industry would dislike nat- 
al family planning lor the same 
ons they dislike the cervical cap. But 
at least №.Е.Р. has the backing of the 
Catholic Church, an ally that can cer- 
ly hold its ow 
Medical Associ ican 
Pharma There are 
several natural-family-planning methods, 
The calendar method, traditionally 
called the rhythm method, involves cal- 
culating, on the basis of her previous 


197 


PLAYBOY 


198 


menstrual cycles, a woman's likely fertile 
period and abstaining during that time. 

The ovulation method (also called the 
Billings Method after Drs. John and 
Evelyn Billings, the Australian husband- 
and-wife team who developed it in 1974) 
involves learning to read changes in 
cervical mucus. From the first show of 
m ess after menstruation to the 
fourth day after ovulation (the wettest 
day), a woman is probably fertile. 

The basal-body-temperature method 
involves keeping track of the woman's 
temperature every day with a special 
basal thermometer, watching for the 
slight drop that in some women precedes 
ovulation and the rise that follows from 
24 to 72 hours after ovulation. It is con- 
sidered safe to ve intercourse only 
alter the temperature has been elevated 
for three days. 

And for the past decade, there has 
been a grass-roots surge of interest in a 
method called the symptothermic—or 
fertility awareness—method, which com- 
bines aspects of all three. In the com- 
bined regimen, a woman takes her 
temperature daily before getting out of 
hed. Then, two or three times during the 
day, she examines her cervical mucus 


and the position of the cervix. Before 
and after ovulation, the cervix is firm, 
low and closed; during ovulation, it’s 
soft, high and open. If checking sounds 
like a drag, fertility-awareness enthusiasts 
claim it just takes a moment and soon 
becomes second. nature when combined 
with a regular trip to the bathroom. The 
process takes about ten minutes per day. 

But N.F.P. tends to be dismissed by 
many as a mixture of naiveté and near 
“We have a name for people who 
natural family planning,” says 
Lyn McKee, a consultant for Planned 


Theoretically, however, N-F.P.’s record 
is surprisingly good. Although the trad 
tional calendar-only method has an effec 
tiveness rate of only 81 percent, the 
basal-body-temperature method is 93 
percent effective. comparable to the 
condom, diaphragm, LU.D. and pill 
The Billings Method by itself has 2 
stunning theoretical effectiveness rate: 
98 percent. 

The pr 
course, is cheating. Actual use-effective- 
ness rates lag at between 75 and 80 


blem with N.F.P. methods, of 


percent. 


“Believe me, I’m sorry you had a rough day 
at the office, but you have the wrong house." 


Users of N.F.P. have to remember a 

imple fact that the sexually conserva- 
tive traditional supporters of the meth- 
ods often fail to point out: Abstinence 
from intercourse doesn't necessarily 
mean abstinence from sex. Couples can 
indulge in oral and anal sex and mastur- 
bation without any danger of pregnancy. 

As for the combination symptotherm 
method, a study conducted in the Los 
Angeles area by doctors from Cedars-Sinai 
Medical Center and sponsored by the Na- 
tional Institute of Child Health and Hu- 
an Development has found that it c 
have a significantly higher actual use- 
effectiveness rate than either the Bi gs 
or the rhythm method used alone. Al- 
though other statistis would place 
slightly below the condom and the dia- 
phragm, the symptothermic method's cl- 
fectiveness is certainly good enough to 
keep it in the running. 

e 

The search for safe, effective birth 

control has changed society before and 
will again. As a matter of fact, we've 
already changed, because we realize fi- 
ly that safe is a relative term. 
There is no safe contraceptive,” say: 
Dr. Carl Djerassi, the man who synthe- 
sized the first oral contraceptive. “But 
not just contraceptives—there is no safe 
anything. Aspirin, sugar, anything. You 
can cross the street and get hit by а саг. 
Itis naive to expect safety.” 

Contraception, it turns out, is a mat- 
ter of each individual's balancing the 
sks of pregnancy against а conuacep- 
ve method's risk to health. The blithe 
iption current when the pill was 
woduced—that we now had a perfectly 
sale, perfectly effective contraceptive 
that freed us from all consequences—has 
burst like a colored party balloon. We 
have to relearn that trite, tue lesson: 
There is no free lunch. We can have our 
nearly foolproof contraceptives and the 
explosion of sexual activity they pro- 
duce; but the side effects, whether preg- 
nancy or health hazards, are there to 
remind us that we're inextricably locked 
into an equation that includes sex and 
mortality, 

OF course, that's nothing new, and it 
need not be depressing. Other ge 
tions found that the acknowledgment 
of the connection between sexuality and 
mortality heightened its pleasure. If you 
‚ as the Elizabethans did, that 
every orgasm (which was called the Little 
Death) made you die a day sooncr— 
brother, you made sure those orgasms 
were worth it. Our teachers ought to be 
Shakespeare, Rabelais, Boccaccio. So we 
must learn that life is a party in a 
plague. Is that any reason to wear a 
hair shirt instead of something from 
Frederick’s of Hollywood? 


su 


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PLAYBOY 


200 


PITCHERS' DUEL 


(continued from page 118) 


“You see, pitching is really just an internal struggle 


between the pitcher and his stuff. 


2» 


necessity of dealing with it, as if it were a 
bad debt that will vanish with neglect. 
But it doesn’t, and sooner or later they 
will have to come to grips with it. And 
if they can't, as with all failures, they 
will be overwhelined. 

e. 

After eight years in the major leagues, 
Steve Stone, the Baltimore Orioles’ 1980 
Cy Young Award winner, was saddled 
with a reputation as a mediocre pitcher 
(he had a 78—79 career won-lost record) 
whose intellect (he is a published poet) 
and culinary talents (he is a gourmet 
chef and wine connoisscur) were more 
noteworthy than his pitching perform- 
ances. Stone found that this reputation 
for mediocrity could be quite comfort- 
able—as comfortable, say, as buying 
inexpensive suit off the rack, rather than 
buying a custom-made suit with all its 
attendant and bothersome fittings. And 
the price was right. His mediocrity im- 
posed on him none of the pressures that 
success would have. 


“J was a journeyman pitcher,” he say 

I began to belicve it. I'd win one, lose 
one, win one, lose one. And it was easy 
to rationalize my poor performances. 
Finally, toward the end of the ‘79 season, 
I just refused to be unsuccessful any- 
more. I convinced myself I was going to 
win every time I went out to the mound. 
Instead of worrying about the batter, [ 
began only to worry about my pitches. I 
wouldn't even think of the batter, be- 
cause that would take my mind off my 
primary concern, making good pitches 
for nine innings. 

"You sce, pitching is really just an 
internal struggle between the pitcher 
and his stuff. If my curve ball is break- 
ing and I'm throwing it where T want, 
then the batter is irrelevant. Of course, 
every hitter presents a different set of 
problems. Take George Brett, for in- 
stance. He doesn't look for breaking 
balls or fast balls or change-ups, he just 
looks for the ball in a certain zone—s 
low and inside. H he gets the pitch thi 


“The court is in sympathy with 
the party of the first part. However, the 
motion to shove alimony checks up the party of the 
second part’s ass is denied and 
you are directed to use the U. S. mails. . . - 


he'll hit it. Some batters look for a cer- 
tain pitch. I remember a confrontation 
I once had with Dusty Baker. I had men 
on basc and a 3-2 count on him, and I 
knew he was w:iting for a fast ball. 
I threw him four straight curve balls 
and he just sat back there, taking this 
little half swing and fouling them off. 
He was defying me to throw a fast ball. 
I refused to give in. I threw four more 
curve balls and finally struck him out. It 
became a real challenge for me. I just 
flat refused to throw him a fast ball, 
even if it meant I'd have to throw him 
15 curve balls in a row.” 

After struggling along with a 6-7 rec- 
ord over the first half of the 1979 season, 
Stone, armed with his new power of 
positive thinking, underwent a remark- 
able transformation. He finished the 
season with five victories without a loss, 
and continued his amazing success into 
1980, fashioning a 25-7 record, the best 
in the majors. 

Here is how Stone describes the proc- 
ess that brought about his remarkable 
metamorphosis: “I saw my subconscious 

sa blackboard, and the first thing I did 
was erase all negative thoughts. I re- 
programed my subconscious with only 
positive thoughts. Two days before I 
would pitch, I'd put myself only in posi- 
tive environments. I'd walk away from 
ve conversations. If my teammates 
were talking about how we w 
ting, I wouldn't 
tive to my well-being. On the day of a 
game, I'd prepare myself mentally at 
home during a two-and-onchalf-hour 
period. I'd program my subconscious for 
success. I'd envision the headlines the 
next day, ‘STONE BEATS MILWAUKEE." 
Then I'd envision the hitters, the prob- 
lems I'd face. I'd face every hitter four 
times in my home before I even gol to 
the stadium. I saw myself getting the hit- 
ters out with this pitch or that one. 

“During the game, it was the same 
thing. I'd see a pitch before Га make 
it. I saw what would happen. Then I'd 
throw it and it would happen just as I'd 
scen it. And I wouldn't panic if it didn't 
work. Td just keep secing it and then 
throw the ball, and it would work. I 
won 14 games in a row in ’80, and after 
ten of those wins, a lady told me I was 
due for a 1055, I said, ‘No, I'm not,’ and 
won four more. Then I lost a game in 
Texas and won five straight after that. 
The media started to put pressure 
on me, but I wouldn't let it affect me. 1 
won my 18 and 19th games of the 
season against the Yankees, and if I'd 
thought of the enormity of that, it would 
have scared me. But all I ever thought 
of was getting Willie Randolph out, and 


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PLAYBOY 


then Bucky Dent, and so on. This ycar 
won't be any different for me, either. 
When this story comes out, for instance, 
T'll be well on my way to winning my 
second consecutive Cy Young Award.” 
б 

Tommy John, the Yankees’ perennial 
20-game winner, is strapped into a Nauti- 
lus Fitness leg machine in the bowels 
of Yankee Stadium and, as he pumps his 
legs, he is talking. John is always talk- 
ing. He loves to talk, to fill the air with 
words, to show pcople that, by a mere 
act of his will, he has managed to con- 
trol his once debilitating stutter. Mostly, 
though, he docs not like to talk about 


his stutter. He would rather talk about 
his sinker ball, and how people under- 
estimate it because it doesn’t knock his 
catcher back ten yards, and how people 
underestimate him and his talents and 
are alwa ting to put a nail in his 
coffin, “I try not to get upset,” he says, 
“but even Jesus got upset. I mean, one 
time last year my record dipped to 15-5 
and one writer asked me after a game 
if I'd lost it. 1 said, ‘Gee, I must be 5-15, 
huh? 

People have always underestimated 
John, and for good reason. For the first 


ten years of his major-league career, 
mostly with the Chicago White Sox, he 


was barely a .500 pitcher. His pitching 
coach, Johnny Sain, who was reputed to 
be the most astute in the game, once 
said of him, "He'll never be more than 
a 13-14-game winner. He's a momma's 
boy.” 

And, in truth, there was something 
soft and weak about John. It wasn't only 
his stutter—which exhausted his listen- 
ers as much as it must have exhausted. 
him—it was all those things, and more, 
that gave one the overwhelming im- 
pression that John did not have the 
character to become a great pitcher, de- 
spite his having the same kind of ability 
as Whitey Ford, the Yankees’ great left- 
hander of the Fifties. Like Ford, John 
a southpaw with a big, chest-puffing, 
arm-wheeling delivery that masked а 
variety of soft. tricky pitches and a de- 
ceptive fast ball. The only apparent 
difference between the two was that Ford 
had a street fighter’s tenacity on the 
mound and John scemed to have a 
preacher's deference that prevented him 
from becoming anything better than a 
mediocre pitcher. 

Then, in the middle of the 1974 sea- 
son with the Dodgers, John ruptured a 
ligament in his pitching elbow and un- 
derwent surgery. A tendon from his 
right forearm was used to reconstruct 
his left elbow. It was the first such suc- 
cessful sports surgery of its kind. It was 
hoped. afterward. that at least he would 
have some use of his left arm, that he 
would some: 
up grocer 
arm. Few people expected him ever to 
throw a baseball again, much less throw 
one from a major-league mound. 

When his arm was healed, John tried 
to throw a baseball. He managed to 


ay mow the lawn, or pick 
, or wim hedges with that 


reach his wife a few feet aw 


y. Alter a 
few months of throwing to her, she w: 
60/6" away. Then he got a catcher, and 
threw harder and harder, until in 1976, 
he was back pitching for the Dodgers. 
He finished at 10-10, won the Come- 
back Player of the Year Award and the 
next year became a 20-game winner. He 
jumped to the Yankees in 1979, won 21 
games that year and then 22 more 
1980. 

The same people who once hinted 
that John did not have the character to 
become a great pitcher now talked about 
him as a "gutsy" pitcher, as if he had 
somehow acquired guts, just as even the 
most cantankerous people acquire a 


in 


certain grace in the face of cancer. The 
question was, had John's injury brought 
out in him a quality that had always 
been there, or had he simply acquired 
that quality in the process of fighting his 
injury? 

“It's fear of failure that stops a lot 


“Tve always had the feeling the world is round.” 


203 


PLAYBOY 


of pitchers [rom winning as many games 

as they should.” says John. “I's not the 

pressi to win so much as it is the 

pressure not to make a fool of yourself 

e ош there, in front of all those people. 
thing. 1 mean, if it was meant for me 


ACTUALLY OUTLASTS to come then I would, I had faith 
in myself, and the Lord. If 
THE LEADING He wanted ny John to pitch again, 
then J would. If He didn't, I wouldn't 
worry about it. It took the pressure off.” 
DEALER-APPLIED POLY. ; 

m Phil Niekro, the Atlanta : 
year-old knuckle-ball pitcher, is talking 
about his pitch. "Damned, but my life 
is tied up with that pitch. Sometime: 
І can't even separate the two. It's as 
if the pitch and my life were one and 
the same thing. I owe everything to that 
pitch. Everything, There were times in 
the minors when things were so bad 1 
felt that the pitch was leading me by 
the nose. It had such control of my life 
there was nothing 1 could do to shake 
it. L began to wonder then whether this 
pitch everyone was calling a gilt was not 
really a curse, after all 

To understand Nickro’s uniqueness 
as a pitcher, опе must understand his 
pitch. A knuckle ball is a serious and 
irrational pitch with more than a little 
madne А pitcher does not Mirow 
a knuckle ball, he surrenders it to the 
enis, as if it were some wild and 
nable bird. Once released, the 
pitch has а will of its own. It does not 
ve with the obedient logic of a 
precise little slider or an overpow- 
ering fist ball. It merely darts hither 
. or wobbles like а ping-pong 

d. or suddenly dives like 
mallard shot on the wing. Sometimes 
it does all three things at once before 
it reaches the plate, and at other times it 
y do none of those but merely Il 
ipelruit toward the H 
The value of the pitch 1 
its unpredictability. No batter knows 

26, e just what a. knuckle ball will do on its 

р гм SPON i way to the plate, but then again, neither 

35] BOYS RA vol a Fe | does the pitcher who throws it. To flirt 

lerlongs ee P with a knuckle ball, then, is dangerous 

cart nel BER | business. and a pitcher must ask himself 

if it is worth the risk, Few say yes. A 

knuckleball pitcher must be the kind 

of man who can surrender his will to 
forces beyond his control. 

But for eight years in and out of the 
minor leagues, Niekro fought with his 
pitch. He relused to accept its di 
d to impose his will on it. 
g years for him. At t 
doned the pitch and tried to be- 
come a classical. pitcher (fast. ball, curve. 
ball, slider), but to no avail. When he 
returned to his pitch. it betrayed him 
in novel ways, One year in the minors, 


he was successful enough to be called ир 


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205 


PLAYBOY 


206 


to the Braves. But after a few losing 
games, games he lost because his catcher, 
Joe Torre, could not hold on to the 
pitch, he was shipped back to the 
minors. John McHale, the Braves’ gen- 
eral manager, who sent him out, told 
him, “To tell the truth, Phil, we're 
sending you down because we don’t have 
a catcher who can catch you.” 

"I couldn't believe my ears" says 
Nickro. “He was telling me my stuff was 
too good for the majors. It didn't make 
sense. 1 wanted to apologize for ha 
such a good knuckle ball. Then I cu 
the pitch. At that moment, I hated the 
damned pitch that controlled my life.” 

Back in the minors, Nickro d to 
prove he could get by without his pitch. 
But he couldn't. Finally, at the age of 27, 
he surrendered to it. "I decided not to 
worry about walking batters or passed 
balls or anything," he says. “I decided 
to just throw the damned thing and let 
it lead me wherever it wanted." He 
began throwing 90 percent knuckle balls, 


ed 


and soon he was back in the major 
leagues for good. He won 23 games for 
the Braves in 1969 and 20 games in 
1974. Today, with 233 carecr victories, 
he is the winningest knuckle-ball pitcher 
in the history of the game. 

. 

Relief pitchers are to starting pitchers 
what mad poets are to prosperous novel- 
ists. They are ephemeral creatures more 
noted for brief flashes of bri 
an inning, a bauer, а pitch—than for 
long-range and plodding success: games, 
victories, seasons. Their success has more 
to do with their emotions than with 
their intellects (the Phillies’ Tug Mc 
Graw, taking deep breaths. slapping his 
glove against his thigh while waiting 
to deliver the final pitch, a third strike, 
in the final game of the 1980 world se- 
ries). Relievers are never given to long 
cerebral discussions of their craft, à la 
Tom Seaver and Steve Stone. Instead, 
they reveal themselves in the way the 
Cardinals’ Bruce Sutter does. 


nec— 


“Delegate.” 


“Sure.” Sutter says, “I get excited 
tense situations. І get jacked up, you 
know what I mean? But I don't think 
about it. The situation, I mean. I'm like 
a machine out there, just throwing pitch 
alter pitch as quickly as I can. My mind's 
in neutral. Гуе got only one pitch [a 
sinking, splitfingered fast ball], so it 
doesn't matter who the hitter Im 
only gonna throw my nasty so.b. And 
now that I have a rep. [1979 Cy Young 
Award winner], the batters help me out. 
They're the nervous ones. They get over 
anxious and swing at bad pitches. OF 
course, it's not always like that. Some- 
times you go so bad you want to hide, 
but the mound's not high enough. You 
don't feel right. Your pitching mechan 
ics are all wrong, but you don't know 
why. You become conscious, thinking 
about things you never think about 
when you're going good.” 

Because relief pitchers usually enter 
а game at its most crucial point—run- 
ners on base, tied score—they have to 
compress all of their emotional energies 
into that short time span during which 
they work. As a result, they tend to 
view the rest of the game as dead time 
whose sole purpose is to be passed el- 
fordessly. They rarely concentrate on 
the action at hand. Instead, sitting in 
the outfield bullpen, they roll up the 
sleeves of their uniforms, fling their arms 
over the backs of their benches and catch 
some sun while swapping anecdotes. 
Sometimes they get and prow! 
around, like bulls in п (hence the 
name), passing time w 
over the bleacher railing, fli 
young girls, maybe reading a 
or a book or having a 
snack (one majo 
famous for 
prepares in the early innings of a game; 
another is famous for the vegetable gar- 
den he cultivates in the bull pen). 

All of those casual pursuits are de- 


up 


ting with 
magazine 
midafternoon 
league relief pitcher is 
the outdoor barbecues he 


signed to purposely distract them from 
the action at hand, that their com- 
petitive energies arc preserved for those 
moments when they are in a game. 


“When I'm not pitching,” says McGraw, 
“1 block out everything to do with the 
game, I save it all for the pitch Fm 
gonna make when I get in there.” 

Dan Quisenberry, the Kansas City 
Royals’ young relief ace of the unortho- 
dox, underhand delivery, is typical of 
relievers. His mind tends to wander dur- 
ing the first few innings before he begins 


the 


ation I get into on 
makes me nervous,” says Qi 
“because I try to envision it from the 
fourth inning on. T hat's the tensest time 
for me. I have this terrible fcar of fail- 


ure, I try to think what can happen by 


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the time I get into а game. Somewhere 
in that maze, I start to see how I'm 
goma get them out and I begin to 
relax. I see myself throwing low sink- 
ers, and then, when I begin to warm up, 

"s almost therapeutic. When 1 get into 
a game, I'm the least nervous of all. I 
feel most myself when pitching. Like, at 
home, ТЇ play with the baby and all, 
but about three o'clock I'm ready to 
go to the ball park. 1 always go early 
Sitting in the locker room long before 
game time is the most. peaceful. part of 
the day for me. A short relicver has to 
find ways of removing all the tension 
from his day, since he's going to be in 
tense situations on the mound. But I 
don't feel tense on the mound. 1 [eel 
great. Pitching im those situations is 
great for the mind and the body. You 
void everything else out of your system. 
when you're on the mound. It’s re 


isenberry, 

iter appear in so many 
games per season—as many as 80, com- 
pared with a starter’s 35—they tend 10 
view their performances fatalistically. 
That is the only way they сап survive 
under the constant pressure in which 
they perform. s McGraw: "Some- 
times you're gonna get lit up. That's 
it. You just gotta admit the batter did 
his job and forget it. 

Sut : "You begin to worry 
about last nights bad game and itil 
bring on a slump. You can't worry about 
that shit, it’s not gonna change any- 
thing. You just gotta admit that some 
things are outa your contol. That's why 
I don't ever feel any pressure out tha 
Hell, there is no pressure! Listen, what's 
the worst thing that can happen to you? 
Someone hits a home run. So what? Why 
should that worry me? When I was an 
eight-year-old kid, I didn't worry about 
a baseball game.” 


The last pho 
was taken 


ph I saw of him 
ears ago. He had just 
turned 40 then, a short, pudgy man with 
а bloated red face and thick-lensed eye- 
glasses. He was standing in the middle of 
a lettuce. field оп a farm in Stockton, 
alifornia, and he was leaning on a 
long-handled hoe. Two young children 
were looking up at him. He was peering 
camera, just as he used to peer 
s—squinting through those eye 

са look. 


glasses with his perpetually 
By the time the photograph was taken, 


he was a migrant farmworker and an 
alcoholic; but once he had been a pitcher 
of such enormous talent that The Sport- 
ing News referred to him as a living 
legend. 

d known about Steve Dalkowski 

Fifties and Sixties, when I pitched 
in the minor leagues and his was the 


pusk 610" 


“Run for your lives! It's a flash flood!” 


PLAYBOY 


210 


JACK THE GRIPPER. 


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With it, from any 
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talent by which so many young fastball 
pitchers gauged their own. We al 
came up short. He was one of the fastest 
pitchers who ever lived. He regularly 
struck out 18, 19, 20, 21, 22 batters in a 
minor-league game, while we, mere mor- 
tals, struggled to fan even ten batters. 

But in those games in which he struck 
. he also walked 20. He 
pitched a no-hitter in which he struck 
out 18 batters, walked 18 and lost 8—41— 


out 2 once 


which was why, despite his awesome 
talent, he never pitched an inning in 
the major leagues. He toiled mostly 
for Class D and Class C minor-league 
teams (San Jose, Pensacola, Aberdeen) 
for nine уса 
manage was a lifetime record of 46 wins 


s and the best he could 


and 80 losses. In 995 innings of minor 
league pitching, he struck out 1396 
batters and walked 1354 

Beyond those mere statistics, however, 
his career was a road map of moments. 
points on a graph, the stuff of which 
legends are made. He threw a fast ball 
that tore off a batter's car. He threw 
a fast ball that knocked an umpire un- 
conscious for 30 minutes. He threw a 
fast ball that hit a batter in the head and 
the boy was never right afterward. He 
threw fast balls through home-plate 
screens with such regularity that fans 
never sat behind home plate when he 
pitched. 

His wildness wasn't confined to the 
pitcher's mound, however. He was equal- 
ly famous for his drinking exploits off 
the field. Managers shuddered when he 
was assigned to their roster at the end 
of spring training. One such m 
with Pensacola in the Alabama-Florida 
League, used to lie awake at night 
drenched in a cold sweat, waiting for 
the inevitable telephone call from some 
redneck sheriff who wanted to inform 


ager, 


him that he had one of his pitchers in 
the drunk tank and wouldn't he, the 
manager, want to come and claim him? 

The Baltimore Orioles, 


who owned 
him, tried every conceivable experiment 
п attempt to tame his fast ball and 


in 
his lifestyle, but nothing worked. So, 
finally, in the spring of 1966, they re- 
leased the living legend. The reasons 
for Dalkowski's failure are many, and 
they are all conjecture. It was claimed 
that he was too easily led by carousing 
teammates (at Pensacola, he teamed with 
Bo Belinski, one of the wildest pitchers 
ool); 
s afraid ro throw his fast ball 


ever to take the mound or a bars 
that he w 


near the plate since injuring that boy 
in Kingsport; that he wasn't bright 
enough to learn how to control his fast 
ball (the Orioles gave him the Stanford- 
Binet intelligence test and he registered 


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in the bottom one percentile); that he 


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so he never bothered to take his talent 


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NOTICE: Don't be fooled by cheap to apply to my own talent until it was Immediate shipping on Money Orders 
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exclusively for U.S. Optics. To make In the summer of 1960, I pitched for Visa and Mastercharge accepted. In- 
sure you get the best, order now and if 
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clude Signature, Account Number & 


the Quad Cities Braves in Davenport, Expiration Date. Checks accepted. 


Iowa, in the Class D Midwest League. 


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One night, as 1 stepped out of the dug- Call 201-222-2211 
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White Sox, I heard my fellow pitchers М. J. & N.Y. Residents add Sales Tax. 
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You've gotta give him all breaking 
stuff,” one pitcher said. 
Att a, “Yeah, he hills fast balls,” said another. 

RERO E C EU I looked over my shoulder at them, 
о Бану Cod ever ene А $2000 huddled there in fear of Hicks, and said, 

value only $7.95. Two pairs lor $14.00. “He kills your fast balls, maybe, but the 
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That night, I struck out Hicks three 
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such moments over an entire ball game, 
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i A new and distinguished 
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za a hard, uncompromising, disciplined ego For a full-color catalog 
that is sure of itself and little tolerant presentation of these prod- 
2 > of weakness. Seaver disdains those who ucts, please send $1.00 to 
койсын кос buse their talent. It а weakness in Playboy Products, P.O. Box 
Name character he cannot abide. 3386, Chicago, Illinois 
Of one such pitcher, who dissipated a 60654. 


Men promising career by drinking and by 


tay 5 z sloth, much in the manner of the hero 
of Hemingway's Snows of Kilimanjaro, 
Seaver once said, "What a 


What a fool he must 
FREE case with each palr. be, to throw it away like that! If you 


don't think baseball is a big deal, don't 
do it. But if you do it, do it right. 

“IE I couldn't. pitch,” said Seaver, 
wouldn't bother me much. But if I could 
and I wasn't, that would bother me. 
That would bother me a lot. Pitching is 
what makes me happy. I've devoted my 
е to it. 1 live my life around the five 
days between starts. It determines what 
I eat, when I go to bed, wl I do when 
Tm awake. If it mcans I have to go to 
the park on an off day and throw alone 
in the bull pen because it's my day to 
throw, then I do it. I take a bucket of 
balls out to the bull pen and throw them 
into a screen until I've thrown my re- 
quired number of pitches. If it means 
when I get up in the morning I have 
to read the box scores to sce who got 
two hits off Don Sutton the night be- 
fore, instead of ri a novel I might 
want to read, then I do it. It makes mc 
happy to do it. If it means I have to 
remind myself to pet dogs with my left 
hand or throw logs on the fire with my 
left hand, then I do that, too. If it mcans 
in the winter I cat cottage cheese in- 
stead of chocolate-chip cookies in order 
to keep my weight down, then I eat cot- 
tage cheese. I might want those cookies, 
but I won't ever eat them. That might 
bother some people, but it doesn't both- 
er me. I enjoy that cottage cheese. I 
enjoy it more than I would those cookics, 


because I know itll help me do what 
makes me happy. 

m happy when I pitch well, so I do 
only those things that help me be happy. 
I wouldn't be able to dedicate myself. 
like this for money or glory, though 
they are certainly considerations. But 
that isn’t what motivates me. What mo- 
tivates some pitch to be known as 
the fastest who c ived. Some want 
to have the greatest season ever. All I 
want is to do the best I can day after 
day, year after year. Pitching is the 
whole thing for me. I want to prove I'm 
the best ever." 


. 

I have not pitched a game in more 
than 15 years, and yet, in my mind's eye, 
Lam still a pitcher. I will always be one, 
because that is the first thing I can re- 
member ever doing well. It was the first 
thing I ever loved to do. When І was 
good on the mound, when it all came 
together for me as it infrequently would 
late in my career, I liked the fecling of 
control I had over the game, the fans, 
the players, everything. Things revolved 
around me then. I was the center of the 
action; I controlled things, which is wh 
today, approaching 40, I have begun to 
pitch again. 

I go to the small park near my home 
with a bag of scuffed baseballs and my 
son's glove. It is the same park in which 


I pitched all my littleleague no-hitters 
and in which I saw that scared boy 
writhe in the dirt almost 30 years аро. 
I wait until the field is deserted, and 
when it is, I take the mound and begin 
to throw baseballs into the home-plate 
screen. 

I warm to my work. Standing there, 
on the mound, in the center of an empty 
d 
to passing motorists. I can sce their heads 
turn toward me as they pass, and then 
they turn back to the road with a little 
shake of the head at the sight of this 
demented, frustrated ex-jock trying to 
recapture his past. But more than 
that. І am at home with it now. The 
pump, the kick, the follow-through. No 
longer the center of the action, no long- 
er controlling things, viten fecling pow- 
erless in a world beyond pitching, 1 take 
comfort now in the act as it has finally 
become for me—Iree from all external 
pressurcs. There is no batter. No game. 
No fans. No teammates. No carcer. No 
ds. No pressures, finally, to bur- 
den me. 

I work up a good sweat, throwing for 
long moments until my bag of scuffed 
balls is exhausted. Then I jog to home 
plate, scoop up all the balls, jog back 
to the mound and begin throwing again. 


It relaxes me. 


amond, I must scem a strange sight 


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PLAYBOY POTPOURRI 


people, places, objects and events of interest or amusement 


TAKING STOCK IN BOND 
The indefatigable James Bond resurfaces this July 17, 18 and 19 
at Chicago's Americana Congress Hotel in the First Annual Bond- 
Fest—a cult miniconvention that's part of the larger Chicago 
Comicon 1981 being held in the hotel for comic-book freaks. In- 
cluded in the fest will be a display of Bond memorabilia; and 
copies of The Illustrated James Bond, a new $6.95 black-and- 
white reprint of three Bond comic strips—Dr. No, From Russia 
with Love and Diamonds Are Forever—will be on sale. Lucky you. 


THINK BIG 
Wander into Pop/Eye Productions, a curious 
gallery at 390 W. Broadway, New York City 
10012, and you may think you're on a set from 
The Incredible Shrinking Woman. Here's a 
five-foot toothbrush, there's an eight-inch golf 
ball—everywhere’s an outsized object, from a 
-foot artists brush to a 57-inch wire whisk, 
that can be purchased and then left lying 
around as an offbeat pop-art statement. 
Pop/Eye’s catalog is only a buck. Pop to it. 


EUREKA—WE'VE FOUND IT! 

Ever drop by a junk shop and see a pair of fleas in wedding cos- 
tumes, a collection of buggy whips or some other loony item that 
you know somebody can't live without? Turn your discovery 

into cold cash by sending $24 for a year’s membership in the 
Finders Keepers Scarch Service, a freelance network at 502 N. 
Donaldson, Stillwater, Oklahoma 71074, that scours the world for 
oddball objects. If you find something that's on its most-wanted 
list, there's money in the making. And it sells weird stuff, too. 


THE ICE OF TEXAS 
Yes, cactus juicers, for only $10 you can have 
not one but two Ice of Texas trays, with 
which you can create frozen facsimiles of 
your favorite state! And the address is as easy 
to remember as Jack Danicl’s—it’s Great 
State Productions, Inc. Р.О. Box 124A, 
San Antonio, Texas 78201, That's Great State 
Productions, Р.О. Box 12АА, San Antonio, 
Texas 78201. Now back to Tim McCoy in Rex 
the Wonder Dog Goes Hoi Polloi. Roll it! 


TALK OF THE DEEP 
In reruns of Sea Hunt, you sce Lloyd 
Bridges at 30 fathoms writing frantically 
ona slate that his leg is caught in a 

giant clamshell. Today he'd just bellow 
“Help!” into a Sea Voice, a bladderlike 
underwater device that enables you to be 
heard up to 150 feet away in warm water. 
Rosalyn International, P.O. Box 423, 
Bloomingdale, Ilinois 60108, sells a pair 
of Sca Voices for $33, postpaid. Under- 
water talk docs come cheap. 


YES-YES IN HER EYES 
The next time you're introduced to a 
mysterious lovely in dark glasses, take 
a look at the lowerrighthand corner of 
ilady's shades. A company called David 
sh & Associates, 8599 Venice Boule- 
vard, Los Angeles, California 90034, is 
selling personalized (up to ten char: 
ters) sunglasses in gradient smoke gr 
brown for only $8.50 each, postpaid. 
And it'll print anything from phone 
numbers and names to real dirty words. 


Now that the computer revolu- 


matter of time until someone 


one; and for $200, you can get 


HIT ME, HAL 


tion is upon us, it was only a 


came up with a software program 
that would teach blackjack 
players how to win scientifically. 
Expertise & Marketing Inc., at 
2224 Beaumont, Sacramento, 
California 95815, is that some- 


HAL, a program that's a teacher, 
dealer and scorekeeper all in 
one, with the capability of play- 
ing the house rules of virtually 
any casino in the world from 
Gairo to Tahoe. One problem: 
HAL fits only computers with a 
39K memory capacity, and they 
sell for about $3000 and up. 
Blackjacked again! 


SPORTING ENDEAVOR 


Amintcondition 1938 Yankees- 
Cubs world-series program for 
$75, souvenir programs from the 
second, third and sixth Super 
Bowls for $60 to $125 and a 
locker roomful of old baseball 
cards, ancient yearbooks and out- 
of-date magazines, as well as 
contemporary merchandise, are 
the stock and trade of Beulah 
Sports Inc., a store at 1863 
Waukegan Road, Glenview, 
Illinois 60025, that specializes in 
all manner of big-league sporting 
miscellany. If you're in the 
vicinity, drop by; if you're not, 
send $2 for Beulah’s 12-page list 
of goodies. Something in there 
will be a hit. 


A GOOD HABIT 


The Famlian Monks of Saint 
Andrew's Abbey at 2011 Glenarm 
Place, Denver, Colorado 80217, 
go about their humble work cach 
day feeding the hungry and 
clothing the naked. The latter is 
accomplished with the help of a 
hooded tunic shirt that’s been the 
rage in monasteries since the 
Venerable Bede. The shirt, which 
the brothers manufacture under 
the name Abbey Graft, comes in 
petite, small, medium and large 
women's sizes, small, medium, 
large and extra-large men’s sizes, 
and in several types of cloth 

from a worldly amber or moss- 
green velour for $51.95 to a 
humble blue denim or oatmeal- 
colored monk's cloth ata 
charitable $41.95, postpaid. All 
cover a multitude of sins. 


217 


PLAYBOY 


218 


HISTORY OF THE WORLD 


(continued from page 162) 


“Empress Nympho: Lieutenant. Bob, tell me, do I 
have any openings this man might fit?” 


сомісіх: I'm gonna play the palace! 

Unbeknownst to MIRIAM and COMICUS, 
the cvil vriver has regained conscious- 
ness. He turns his whip around to use 
the heavy wooden handle as a club. He 
is just about to strike CoMICUS, when: 

swirrUs (shouting): Look out! 

A café-awlait arm reaches down and 
grabs the pxiver’s wrist. The camera 
PULLS влек fo reveal yoseruus. He takes 
the whip out of the vriver's hand and 
whacks him over the head—sending him, 
once again, back into the world of the 
unconscious. 

Josernus (as he hits the DRIVER): 
Whack 

cocus: Gec, you saved my life! How 
can I ever thank you? I’m Comicus, the 
philosopher. Who are you? 

ЈОЅЕРІ Fm ‘Josephus, the m 
course at the Colosseum. 

Suddenly, we hear the harsh voice of a 
ROMAN OFFICER. 

OFFICER: Seize him! 

Josernus (indicating his crotch): Seize 
this, honkus! 

CoMICUs: You can't say that to the cops. 

Two ROMAN GUARDS grab JOSEPHUS. 

OFFICER: Do you know what the pun- 
ishment is for a slave who strikes a 
Roman citizen? 

Everyone in the crowd raises his hand 
excitedly, like little kids in a classroom 
who know the answer. 

OFFICER (lO CITIZEN NUMBER 0: 
you! You had your hand up first. 

с EN NUMBER ONE: Dcath by torture? 

orricem: Hahhh. (Indicating CITIZEN 
NUMBER туо) You! You were nex 

CITIZEN NUMBER TWO? ic m? 

orricer: Wrong! You! (Points to cme 
ZEN NUMBER THREE) 


in 


Ok, 


CITIZEN NUMBER THREE: They shove a 
ing snake up your ass? 

OFFICER: No, but that's very creati 
(Points to CITIZEN NUMBER FOUR) You! 

CITIZEN NUMBER FoUR: They send you 
to thc lions. 

OFFICER: Right. 

Everyone is impressed with the answer. 

MIRIAM (gasps): No! 

oF What do you mean, no? He's 
right; they send you to the lions. 

Suddenly, there is another commotion, 
PALACE GUARDS enter the scene. 

LIEUTENANT вов: What's going on 
here? You're blocking the path of Her 
Imperial Highness. (Indicating MIRACLE. 
and the wagon) Move that miscrable 
piece of shit. Make way! Make way for 
the Empress Nympho! 

EMPRESS NyMPHO (Madeline Kahn) is 
borne on & beautifully carved and be- 
jeweled litter by six handsome PALACE 
GUARDS. She wears an incredibly reveal- 
ing silk-and-chiffon slip. Golden brace- 
lets adorn her wrists and ankles. 

EMPRESS NyMpuio: Will you please try 
to walk on the same foot at the same 
time! My tits are falling off! (Clutches 
at her breasts) 

Mikam: Empress Nympho, Empress 
Nympho! 

EMPRESS NYMPHO: Miriam! You're а 
vestal virgin! What are you doing here? 
You know V.V.s aren't allowed out of 
е without an escort. 

: Oh, ss Nympho! This 
man saved our lives and now they want 
to kill him! We need your help. 

EMPRESS NYMPHO: Which one? The 
white guy or the colored guy? 

MIRIAM: The color . the slave. 
Please spare his life. I beg you! Perhaps 


“It may be a silly superstition, but I think 
your horn is an aphrodisiac.” 


you could use him at the palace. He's 


truly gifted. 
EMPRESS NYMPHO (eyes JOSEPHUS): 
Hmmm... gifted! Bob! 


LIEUTENANT ВОВ: Yes, Your Highness. 

EMPRESS хүмгно: Bob, oh, Bob, tell 
me, do I have any openings this man 
might fit? 


ıd reacts in unison, 
Well, we could use 
another wine steward. 

crown (ad-lib): Whoa! 

Josernus: 1 got a great corkscrew. 

CROWD: Whoa! 

Josephus (to himself): This is a hip 
crowd! 

EMPRESS NYMPHO (10 LIEUTENANT Bon): 
Good. We'll schlep him along. For the 
time being, we'll use him as a litter 
bearcr. 

LIEUTENANT noH (indicates to JOSEPHUS 
to fall in): Litter bearers, prepare to 
move! Litter bearers, march! 

cur to Caesars Palace. The EMPEROR 
nero (Dom DeLuise) is holding court. 
Noblemen, senators and “friends” of the 
rwPEROR recline luxuriously upon chaise 
longues, dutifully attended by beautiful 
servants and lovers of cach and every 
persuasion. A huge roasted pig with an 
apple in its mouth sits among the sump- 
tuous repast. Suddenly, the EMPEROR has 
an inspiration. 

EMPEROR: The muse is upon me! The 
muse is upon me! I shall create a poem. 

The music and talk cease abruptly. 

COURT SPORESMAN: All be quiet! His 
Divine Immortality has consented to 
favor us with a new poem. Speak, O 
glorious Caesar, speak. 

rwrrnon: Hand me a small lyre. 

The COURT SPORESMAN snaps his fingers 
and two men rush in, holding a MWGET 
who is lying at the lop of his voice. 

I didn't do it. I didn't do it. 
t even there, E was at a friend's 
housc. The check is in the mail. 

EMPEROR: Get him out of here! I 
meant the instrument! 

The two men drop the MIDGET- 
yMPHO: Miriam, wine? 
Josephus, wine? 

Josernus: Say when (pouring wine). 

EMPRESS NY : Eight-thirty- 

EMPEKOR: It's so lonely at the top of 
Olympus. More wine, more women, 
more. . . . (He falls) What's next? 

COURT SPOKESMAN: Comicus, the new 
stand-up philosopher from Vesuvius. 

EMPEROR: Good. I a mountain 
comic. Let's have him. 

comicus (enters the pavilion, hum- 
ming “Hooray for Hollywood"): Good 
evening, ladies and Emperors. And I 
want to tell you how happy І am to be 
here. I just got back from Venice and, 
boy, are my arms tired. 

comicus does a few brcast-stroke swim- 
ming motions. They are caught by a 
DRUMMER. 

COMICUs: Ah, but Venice is a very old 


city. I learned a lot in Venice. You know 
how to make a Venctian blind? Like 
this! (Makes a quick gesture with two 
fingers. The DRUMMER catches it) Have 
you heard about this new sect, the Chris- 
tians? Boy, are they strange. First of all, 
they are incredibly poor 

swirtus (shouting from backstage): 
How poor are they? 

comicus: FI tell you how poor they 
are. They are so poor that they have 
only one God. (Double bunk on the 
drum. The joke gets a big laugh) But 
we Romans, we're rich. We've got a god 
for everything. Well, almost everything. 
Unfortunately, we don’t have one for 
premature ejaculation, but I hear that's 
coming quickly. (оким мек lets go with 
a series of percussive punctuations, and 
cowicus physically catches every beat) 
These Christians are a laugh a minute. 

Backstage, swirrus makes a "doing 
well” sign with his fingers. 

comicus: Let's face it, losing weight is 
all the rage. All you see today are steam 
rooms and vomitoriums. I mean, half 
of Rome is either cookin’ or pukin 
After all, who wants to look like a big 
fat pig? 

We see that the. pig's apple is in the 
EMPEROR's mouth. 

SWIFTUS (lo CoMICUS, in a stage whis- 
per): Get oft the fat jokes! Get off fat! 
Get off fat! 

conicus: But I love politics. 

swirrus breathes а sigh of relief. 

cowicus: I'm very proud of the Roman 
Senate. It is the very best money can 
buy. Everybody's on the take. Assembly- 
men, councilmen, legislators, senators . . - 
and it gocs all the way to thc top. Right 
to the Emperor. . . . (Audience gasps. 
COMICUS realizes his mistake) Shit! 

The xwrEROR opens his mouth in 
shock. Food falls out. The EMPEROR 
finds his voice. He points a trembling 
finger of rage al comicus and says. 

Erexor: Kill him! (Then to jose 
More wine. 

Josernus enters. Unfortunately, he 
trips and spills wine all over the EMPER- 
o's toga. The ємрекок looks at him. 

EMPEROR (pointing at JOSEPHUS): 
him, too! 

GUARDS grab JosEPHUS and cowicus 
and slarl to lead them ош. EMPRESS 
NYMPHO whispers something into the 
EMPEROR'S car, The EMPEROR'S face lights 
up. He calls to the Guarvs who are re- 
moving comicus and Josernus. 

EMPEROR: Wait! I just thought of 
something. Let those two fools fight 
cach other to death during dessert 

Armed with sword and trident, comi- 
cus and joseruus make a pitiful stab 
at trying to kill cach other. Although 
comicus ultimately gels the edge over 
Josernus, he cannot go through with it, 
and MIRIAM, the vestal virgin, besceches 
the ЕмРЕвОК for mercy, When His Royal 
Highness gives the thumbs-down sign, 


ип) 


Kill 


comicus and Josernus turn on the 
Guanps and eventually escape. comicus 
follows siria» through a secret passage- 
way that leads to 
chambers, while yoseruus takes another 
route lo the same place and ends up 
pretending to be one of her four attend- 
ing EUNUCHS. Soon EMPRESS NYMPHO Cn- 
ters, followed by her entourage of VESTAL 
veins (played by eravmov Playmates) 
and her secretary, COMPETENCE. 

EMPRESS NYMPHO: Competence, what 
will happen to those two rogues when 
they're caught? 

COMPETENCE: If 
they're hung. 


EMPRESS NYMPHO's 


they're captured, 


Tempus fugit—especially when you're 
hoving fun. In this movie, Brooks roces 
through history, pousing only for such 
Big Events as the Ten Commandments 
end the Spanish Inquisition. Here he 
reigns as Louis XVI. Roi! Roi! Roi! 


EMPRESS Not 
necessarily. 

They both titte: 

EMPRESS NyMPHO: Where аге you lead- 
ing me? 

COMPETENCE: To the reviewing stand. 
You have to choose your escorts for the 
Midnight Orgy tonight. We have lined 
up the best of the Practorian Guard for 
you to choose from, 

Lined up in EMPRESS NYurHo’s ante- 
chamber are 30 of the strongest, hand- 
somest OFFICERS of (he Praetorian Guard. 
Examining their privates, the EMPRESS 
makes her choices in song, but, just as 
she finishes, a group of souviers led by 
Слртлїх Mucus (Rudy DeLuca) and 
MARCUS VINDICTUS (Shecky Greene) rushes 
into the room, 

MARCUS VINDICTUS: Captain Mucus, 
search the area. They can't have gotten 
far. 

EMPRESS NYMrHO: How dare you! No 
man may search the Empress’ quarters. 

MARCUS VINDICTUS: As you wish. (To 
EMPRESS ХҮМРНО under his breath) 
You're beautiful when you're—— 


хүмрно (thinking): 


EMPRESS NYMPHO: Shove it! 

CAPTAIN MUCUS points (о one of the 
EUAUCHS (JosEPHUS) and whispers be- 
hind his hand into Marcus VINDICTUS" 
ear. 


ARCUS — ViNDICTUS (10 — EMPRESS 
күмрно): That slave over there . . . are 
you sure he's a eunuch? 

At the end of the row of three big 
EUNUCHS stands yosernus, dressed as one 
of them and wi 


ing a big fan. 
MARCUS VINDICTUS: He looks rather 
puny. Isn't it true that when eunuchs 
are castrated, they become enormous? 
MIRIAM (whispering to NyMPHO): It’s 
Josephus, your wine steward. Please 
help him. 
EMPRESS NyMPHO (coughs): Пп... 


well . . . well, give him time, He's just 
been snipped. 

MIRIAM (solto vocc): Thank you, 
Highness. 


MARCUS VINDICTUS: If he's truly a eu- 
nuch like the others, it would do no 
harm to take the test! 

Josernus: Test?! 

MARCUS VINDICTUS: Yes... test. Let 
us have Caladonia do her highly erotic 
temple dance in praise of Fros. and if 
all of these creatures are, indeed, eu- 
nuchs, nothing should arise. Get it? (He 
crosses his hands in a “safe” gesture 
over his pelvic area) Bring on Caladonia, 
the siren of the Sudan! Caladonia, Cala 
donia, let's make their big heads so hard. 

We hear the sound of drums, They are 
joined by low, sensuous woodwinds. A 
gorgeous, light-colored Sudanese beauty, 
covered in some flimsy veils, enters. 
She is stunning. She moves sinuously in 
time with the drums as she slowly makes 
her way toward the EUNUCHS. 

Joseruus: Ohhh. I'm in trouble. 

CALADONIA is doing her best to get a 
rise out of the first ксхоси. No reaction. 

MARCUS VINDICTUS: He's a eunuch, 

CALADONIA passes Ihe second one, turn- 
ing it up a little. Nothing happens. 

MARCUS VINDICTUS: Yes, he's a cunuch. 

By now, cALavonta is really hot. The 
third evNucn does not respond. 

s VINDICTUS: He's dead! 
CALADONIA Teaches josEPHUS, 
her pelvis writhing. His tongue is hang: 
ing out. The tempo gels wilder, The 
drums get louder. CALADONIA docs little 
crazy teasing things with her tongue and 
her eyes, as well as with her gyrating 
torso. Josernus is whimpering like a dog. 
He stares at the writhing belly of the 
“siren of the Sudan.” CAtAbONIA begins 
to writhe in electric fashion as she and 
the music come to a climactic crescendo. 
Everyone stares at jJoseruus. Suddenly, 
the white fan that he had successfully 
kepi pressed down over his genitalia 
slowly but surely rises. MARCUS VINDICTUS. 
points to the rising fan 

MARCUS VINDICTUS: The jig is up! 

Josernus (looks down): And gone. 


219 


PLAYBOY 


UNDERCOVER ANGEL m pose 172) 


off as newly arrived free-lancers, unem- 
ployed bartenders or carpenters moon- 
lighting their way to fame and fortune. 
arcs needed cover identities that could 


stand up to because 
dealers suspected everyone of being a 


rc. About the only people they didn't 


serious scrutiny, 
r 
suspect were hard-core bik 
If a narc were smart, he'd pass him- 
self off asa biker. 
don't know a damn thing about 
being a biker,” Black said, an edge of 
irritation in his voice. 
"Don't worry about 


ii—irll come to 


you like stink on shit. Want me to teach 


“What are you looking fc 
“A job,” Harris said. “I want to be a 


cop.” 
They met again two weeks later at a 
park in Santa Rosa. In the interim, 


Black had done some research on his 
new friend, Harris, 34, had been a very 
ad guy for a long time. His rap sheet 


showed convictions for narcotics pos- 
session and armed robbery and arrests 
for everything from jaywalking to kid- 
naping to suspicion of murder. He 


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1981 


would not be joining the force 
"But I can pay you for information," 
Black told him. “You can be my snitch.” 
Don't you ever call me a snitch.” Har- 
ris snapped. “ГИ be an informant, 
but I ain't no snitch. A snitch rats on 
everyone: 


an informant onl) 
dudes he don't like. 

That seemed reasonable. In addition 
to becoming an informant, Harris would 
teach Black biker ctiquette. His fee for 
all that was an agreed-upon $800 a 


turns in 


month, a small apartment on Clear 
Lake. a beat-up Dodge Polara and 
Black's Healdsburg police badge. A few 
days later, Harris moved into the apart 


ment with his girlfriend. Once or twice 
а week thereafter, he drove down from 
Clear Lake to Santa Rosa to spend the 
night with his wife and six children. 

Black's education biker began 
immediately. To start with, he needed 
leathers. He visited a boutique and paid 
$195 for a beautiful buttery 
leather slacks: Harris soaked them in 
50-weight motor oil, He made sure Black 
got a pair of used boots; new boots and 
a new face always made dealers nervous. 
The Lake County Sheriff's Department 
issued Black a blue Harley-Davidson 
and Harris showed him how to handle 
it 


as a 


pair of 


The lessons were thorough. Hari 
told Black that bikers wear a gold 
earring, so Black had his right ear 


pierced, and Harris almost fell down 
laughing. “It’s left ear for bikers, right 
car for faggots!” Harris said bikers never 
mince words and are always ready to tell 
pcople to fuck off and then fight about 
it. So they went to bars, where Black 
told people to fuck off and then fought 
about it. 

He won most of his bouts but not all 
of them. At one place, Harris pointed 
out a solitary drinker and told Black. 
“Hey, this dude just called you a punk." 
Black knew it wasn't true, but that was 
part of the game. He went up to the 
man, grabbed his arm (it felt like a 
piece of oak) and moments larer 
knocked cold by a crushing right to the 
jaw 

Harris wasn't a mere observer to these 
proceedings. At one bar, he approached 
a well-dressed young 
with the guy and then began pummel 
him unmercifully. When the girl jumped 
onto Harris’ back, Black rushed over 
and separated the two men—at which 
point Harris threw the girl down and 
kicked hı the face, breaking her 
nd leaving her 
woman can hurt you as bad as a man,” 
he explained on their way out 

After three wecks of picking fights 
and hanging out in bikers’ b 
presented Black with a graduation pres- 
ent: а 410-g; 
what every undercover agent needs—an 
alley sweeper,” he said. 

Then he showed Black 


was 


couple. 


ng 


nose unconscious. “A 


s, Harris 


ge sawed-off shotgun. “It's 


how, in a 


“And furthermore, although this car is essentially G.T. in 
both line and performance, its interior is sufficiently 
voomy to permit sex in no fewer than 14 positions, as the 
color photos in this brochure clearly illustrate.” 


221 


PLAYBOY 


222 


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pinch, he could shoot blind from around 
а corner and blast away everything with: 
in a 10- to 15-foot range. The shotgun 
was 17 inches long and had a small 
leather Joop nailed to its butt; the weap- 
on was designed to be worn around the 
neck like a pendant and could easily be 
concealed beneath-a short jacket. 

Black was now ready to take the most 
hazardous step of his masquerade. If he 
was to establish a strong cover identity 
as a well-connected Bay Area biker and 
dealer, he'd have to pass muster with the 
Hell's Angels. There really was no other 
way. 


. 

By all accounts, the Hell's Angels— 
with anywhere from 400 to 800 mem- 
bers—are the most lethal group of 
motorcycle riders in the United States 
and probably the world. Founded in 
Southern California at the start of the 
Fifties, the Angels soon attracted inten- 
sive police pressure; and by the Sixties, 
most members had moved north to the 
San Francisco Bay Area. They have a 
well-documented reputation Гог being 
maximum outlaws and they usually dem- 
onstrate a reckless disregard for their 
own welfare and everyone else's as well. 
Their reputation is such that even in a 
bikers’ bar, the appearance of two An- 
gels will usually cause all conversation 
to cease, 

Before introducing Black to his Hell's 


Angels friends, Harris warned that 
under mo circumstances—none—could 


Black get into a fight with an Angel 
patch holder. If that happened, every 
Angel in attendance would put the boots 
to him the same manner Harris had 
done with the girl in the bar. Black also 
had to understand that as a friend of the 
Angels, Harris would have to jump in 
on their side, 

With that proviso, Harris and Black— 
who was now going by the name Sid 
avis—traveled around to Hell's Angels 
chapters in Oakland, Richmond and 
Vallejo. At a party in Vallejo, they wit 
nessed the kind of violence that often 
flares up among the Angels themselves. 
It started when a drunkenly abusive 
member was told by the chapter's vice- 
president, a hardlooking man named 
Rooster, to quiet down. The drunk un- 
wisely punched Rooster in the face, and 
in a pure fury, Rooster beat him sense- 
less and might have killed him if two 
other Angels hadn't interceded. Unfor- 
tunately, Rooster was out of contol, so 
he also decked the two peacemakers. 
Several other Angels attempted to re- 
strain him, but they were also laid out 
by this human buzz saw who was all fly- 
ing fists, karate kicks, head butts and 
«Бом. The onslaught continued until 
Rooster finally calmed down and cooled 
it of his own accord. Black was to meet 
of Angels given to 
rhapsodies of rage 

Alter a week of visits, Sid Davis was 


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welcome to ride with them. But first, 
Harris wanted him to attend an. Angel's 
wedding—he promised it would be un- 
like any his marc friend had ever 
attended. 

Late on a sunny Friday afternoon, the 
two men drove their choppers to a se- 
cluded country home about 30 miles east. 
of Clear Lake. The house was set deep. 
in a forest glade, and when they arrived, 
the celebrat well under way. 
Nearly 150 Angels and about 75 of their 
girlfriends were partying in splendid 
biker fashion; Open cases of liquor were 
strewn about the clearing, bowls of 
speed, grass and cocaine sat unattended 
on a long table and everyone scemed to 
be drunk, stoned or both. There was 
lot of laughing and shouting, all of it 
competing with the Boz Scaggs and Billy 
Swan albums that blasted out of a stereo 


n was 


set up in (ront of the house. 
Alter introducing his buddy Sid Davis 
to several Angels, 


Harris quickly got lost 
the crowd. Black took part im a few 
short conversations about motorcycles, 


drugs and pussy, the bikers’ three main 
interests in life. On the back of his 
denim vest, he flew the colors of the 
Hangmen, a Midwestern bikers’ gang. 
He felt less like an alien by the time it 
got dark, but it was best to hang back 
until he absolutely knew his act was to- 
gether. Off by himself, he picked up a 
bottle of brandy and proceeded to drink 
the whole thing. 

‘Twice, he stumbled over couples who 
were screwing on the ground. That 
shocked him, for at home, Black and his 
wife, Claudia, usually turned out the 
lights before making love. Several girls 
approached him for sex, but he was sure 
they'd give him V.D. and he refused. 
Sometime after midnight, a minister (or 
someone dressed like one) married the 
bride and groom, who disappeared into 
the house to the accompaniment of 
good-natured cackling and putdowns. 
When he got drunk enough and tired 
enough, Black sat under a tree and 
passed out. 

The party was still going strong when 


she behaves like that 


in order to attract the male, 
who will seek to reproduce himself, 
thus ensuring the survival of 
the human species.” 


he awoke around 11 in the morning. 
"The majority of guests were tripped out 
on speed and hadn't been to sleep y 
"The Angels were cutups; whenever one 
of them passed out, his bud would 
gather around and piss him awake. Most 
of the men had wandered into the house, 
so Black did, too. He wedged his way 
into the packed front room to see what 
was going on—and there on the floor 
was H ng the bride. The rest 
of the bikers were waiting their turn to 
do the same, for an Angel's bride was 
turned out the morning after her wed- 
ding night. 

Black was shaken and hurried into the 
Kitchen for some coffee. Harris joined 
him there a couple of minutes later and 
n line." 
" Black 


id. Harris 


tions, 
shrugged his shoulders and left. 

The Angels’ use of their women re- 
pulsed Black but also perversely fasci- 
nated him. He walked back to the living 


room and this time saw the bride suck- 
ing off a biker who was doing her with 
a Coke bottle. He was followed by a 
man with a broom. If an Angel's mom- 
ma didn't acquiesce to all that, her old 
man would beat her up badly. Wh 
sull couldn't save him 
really rank in front of his friends. 

Black left shortly afterward and didn't 
sce Harris again until three days later, 
when the wedding party finally ended. 
In the interim, he visited Claudia and 
the kids, but it was an unhappy reunion. 
Claudia seemed like a tense stranger and 
Black found himself constantly putting 
her down. The boys, Adam and Andrew, 
were flat-out scared of their father. After 
one night, he returned to his room in 
Clearlake Highlands. 

He began riding with the Angels the 
following week. Harris said the key to 
winning their trust was to pick up every 
e they laid down, and Sid Davis went 
at it with a vengeance. Cruising past a 
near Napa one night, sev 
s challenged him to ride hi 
bike inside—a dangerous move, for 
chicanos intensely disliked the Angels 
Sid rode right in and the result was 
vicious brawl that earned him a cut lip. 
a black eye and the respect of his sim- 
ilarly banged-up colleagues. 

Another day, riding along Highway 
101 with several Richmond Hell's An- 
gels, Sid was challenged by one of them 
to a high-speed tug of war. Moments 
later, he and the Angel were grabbing at 
each other while running down the road 
at 75 miles an hour. Sid soon got a firm 
grip on the Angel's upper arm. In ¢ 
ger of being yanked out of his seat and 
d all over the highw: the ter- 
rified rider began screaming, “You crazy 
son of a bitch, let me go, lef me gol!” 

But Sid was into the game, and several 
more seconds passed before he finally 


sme; 


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released his hold. When they pulled off 
the road, the Angel vaulted off his mo- 
torcycle and ran over to Sid. "Don't you 
ever do that again!" he shouted 


"hen don't ever dare me to do it 
" Sid replied. "You wanted to 
play? We played." 

Within a matter of weeks, Sid Davis 
became known as a stand-up guy who'd 
be there when the action started—and 
who'd also be there when it ended. 
And even for a well-heeled drug dealer, 
he was generous when it came to his bud- 
dies. He could be counted on to pick up 
$100 bar tabs whenever he went drink- 
: and since he went drinking almost 
his reputation as a big 
spender—and his circle of friends—kept 
growing, 

So did the intelligence he gathered. 
But Black had no intention of busting 
Hell’s Angels, for that would quickly 
put an end to a cover identity no narc 
had ever successfully fabricated. Instead, 
he preferred to let the Angels turn him 
on to suppliers, which they did. He was 
soon buying dope all over Northern Cal- 
ifornia and making busts in partnership 
with police departments from Jose 
to the Oregon border. 

To protect his cover, B 
costumes on drug raids. Inst 
ing like a flashy biker, he tucked his 
hair up under a Healdsbu High base- 
ball cap and wore dark gl. 
windbreaker, a sport shirt and d 
Levis. It was the damnedest thing: Deal- 
ers he'd been drinking with only the 
night before never recognized him as 
one of the four or five cops taking them 
into custody 

By autumn, Black had initiated more 
than 200 drug arrests, but the four 
months he'd spent as а пагс were De- 
ginning to get to him. He was drinking 

avily every night of the week. When 
e began thro up even when he 
wasn't drinking, he visited a doctor and 
was told he had an ulcer. He promised 
to lighten up on the booze and the 
stress, knowing he'd do neither 

He was stepping over too many lines 
too quickly. One night, at a bikers’ bar 
in Vallejo, the table talk turned 
and he heard himself 
nothing bothers me; I can 
ol sex with a woman.” 

An Angel named Dave said, "Oh, 


k changed 
ad of dress- 


ses, a new 


an 


. "Hell, 
any kind 


"Sure I do,” Sid said. “What do I do?" 
His ignorance cracked up everyone at 
the table. The Angels vests were fes- 
tooned with their own versions of merit 
badges; red wings were awarded to a 
biker who went down on a menstruating 
woman in front of witnesses. 

"Sce that broad over therc?” Dave 
asked. "I happen to know she's on the 
т: b 


g—go h 


Sid swallowed h; 


d. "If she's willing, 


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PLAYBOY 


I'm able,” he said with false bravado, 
wishing desperately he were somewhere 
el 


The girl was seated at a table by her- 
self and Dave went over to her, spoke 
for a few moments and then returned. 
"She's yours," he said. 


“Right.” Sid's mouth was bone dry. 

“Get to it, then,” Brenda said. With- 
out standing up, she slipped her jeans 
down to her ankles. There were about 
20 drinkers in the bar, and most of them 
gathered around the table. 

Sid got under it and earned his red 


himself for the rest of the night. Any- 
thing goes. 

A few days later, Black was called in for 
one of his infrequent meetings with 
Sheriff Alvie Rochester. “You're doing 
finc work, son," Rochester said. "Every- 
thing going all right?” 

“Yes, sir 


“I need a few drinks first,” Sid told wings. ; А 1 f 
him, feeling like a damned fool. In the То be sure, bikers’ bars aren't your “Wel, we have a little assignment in 
next 20 minutes, he tossed down seven ordinary cocktail lounges. In a normal Mind for you,” Rochester continued. 


shots of tequila and then approached 
the girl. Her name was Brenda and she 
at all. 
How ya doin’?” he said, sitting down. 
"You getting your red wings tonight?” 
she asked. 


bar, if a drink isn't to a customer's lik. 
ing, the bartender will mix another one. 
In a bikers hangout, if a drink isn't to 
a customer's taste, the customer may very 
well beat up the bartender or simply 
kick him out of the joint and tend bar 


“Mendocino County has one undercover 
agent and I'm afraid some people have 
discovered that he's a law officer. Sheriff 
Jondah! down there called me and wants 
to switch undercover agents, and I think 
that might be a good idca. How would 
you feel about being on loan for six 
months or so?” 

“That would be all ht with me, sir 
Anything special the sheriff wants done?’ 

“Yes,” said Rochester. "He really 
would like you to make a dent in the 
county's drug trafic, starting with the 
town of Ukiah. Think you can do it?” 

“ГИ do my best, sir.” 

Black would later say that going to 
Ukiah was the worst decision he'd ever 
made, 


. 

On a cool, gray day in December of 
1976, Sid Davis rode into Ukiah. Starting 
noon from the north end of town, he 
systematically checked out every bar; by 
ten o'clock, he'd seen nothing to indi- 
cate blatant narcotics activity. The last 
bar he came to was called the Peacock, 
and as soon as he walked in, he knew 
he'd found the local dope supermarket. 
"phe Peacock was packed with laborers, 
bikers, a few obvious fags and a lot of 
good-looking ladies, many of whom were 
оп hand for the women’s pool tourna- 
ment that had taken place carlier that 
night. 

Right away, Sid laid a S100 bill on the 
bar and bought a round for the house. 
It cost him $90, but it was the kind of 
gesture that always got a stranger no- 
ticed very, very quickly. Sid had almost 
finished his brandy when a sleck, darkly 
attractive brunette tapped him on the 
shoulder and kissed him on the check. 
“Thanks for the drink,” she said. 

Sid checked the girl out as she walked 
back to the pool table. She was about 
5/8", well-built and sensuous. She was 
wearing a tight pink sweater that ended 
just below her ample breasts, and her 
jeans fit so snugly that Sid could tell she 
wasn't wearing underwear. Very nice. 

He turned back to the and bought 
another round for the house. The girl 


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came by again a couple of minutes later. 
"Thanks one more timc," she said. She 
had a nice smile. "My rame's Mary Jo. 
Why don't you come over to the table 
and watch me play pool 

Mary Jo finished a quick rack of eight. 
pall, and then she and Sid sat down and 
drank and talked until closing timc. 
Mary Jo Pedersen was 24, the mother of 


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229 


L265 
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20 


a two-year-old daughter named Elisha 
and the estranged wife of a man then 
serving time in a Colorado Federal pris- 
on. Mary Jo was also an ex-junkie and 
an ex-biker’s momma. She had piercing 
brown eyes and seemed to be the most 
honest, outspoken woman Sid had ever 
met, When the waiter came to pick up 
their glasses, she asked where he was 
staying that night. 

"In a motel,” Sid said. 

“No, you're not,” she laughed. “You're 
staying with me. 

Sid took her home and was about to 
sack out on the couch when he noticed 
Mary Jo staring at him as if he were a 
Martian. "What do you think you're 
doing?" she asked. "Come on into the 
bedroom." 

She was as passionate as she was attrac- 
tive. Alter they made love, Mary Jo fell 
asleep, but Black couldn't close his eyes. 
Aside from his bizarre barroom exhibi- 
tion in Vallejo, this was the first time 
he'd been unfaithful to Claudia. He felt 
guilty and he suddenly missed his wife 
and children very much. While Mary Jo 
slept, Black slipped out of her house and 
drove all the way to Claudia and hom 

He got to his house shortly before 
dawn and slept on the sofa. Black was 
certain—for 24 hours, anyway—that 
y Jo had given him the clap, and 
e spent a difficult few days with his 
wile and kids. During that time, he real- 
ized he'd changed drastically. He had no 
patience with his sons, and regardless of 
how loving Claudia tried to be, she only 
uritated him. When he went back to 
Ukiah, he and Claudia both knew their 
marriage was over. 

Mary Jo happened to be walking 
down the street when he pulled into 
town four days later. "Where the fuck 
you been?” she asked. 

“I didn't know you were my boss," Sid 
shot back. 

Mary Jo was angry, 
"Let's go for 

"Sorry, I'm busy right now." 

He roared oft down the street, but 15 
minutes later, he was at her front door. 
They went riding that afternoon and, 
although Sid kept a motel room, he 
moved in with her that night 

At the Peacock that evening, Mary Jo 
introduced Sid to a number of dopers, 
one of whom sold him a couple of lids 
of marijuana. The fact that he was with 
Mary Jo immediately eliminated any 
suspicions about Sid; no one who knew 
her would ever suspect her of sleeping 
with a narc. 

One of the first connections she 
turned Sid on to was a black man named 
Cedric Weir, the Peacock's bouncer. 
Mary Jo had once lived with him, but 
as soon as the two men got to know each 
other, they became good friends. 

They became soulmates the night five 
Mexicans began beating up two girls 
just outside the Peacock. Sid and Cedric 


M 


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232 


tried to break it up and suddenly found 
themselves as overmatched as the wom- 
cn. They were definitely getting the 
worst of it, so Cedric ran inside lor 
help—and Sid was set upon by all five 
attackers, Four of them spread-cagled 
him on the ground and the fifth was 
about to plant the jagged end of a 
broken cue stick in his face when Cedric 
reappcared and smashed the guy's head 
in with the fat end of a pool cuc. The 
Mexican's skull sounded like a water- 
melon being splattered against the side- 
walk. His companions picked him up 
and ran. 

Cedric introduced Sid to 2 number of 
Peacock regulars who were dealers. One 
of them, a cocky young kid named Tom, 
could come up with ten kilos of grass or 
ап ounce of coke 5 minutes. Black 
never did uncover Tom's supplier, but 
ailing the kid himself was no problem. 
A couple of months after they met, Tom 
offered him seven kilos of grass to kill 
two dealers who'd murdered Tom's part- 
ner by shooting him up with rabies vac- 
cine. Tom is still doing time on 
drug charges; the solicitation-of-murder 
charge was dropped. 


Black's situation in Ukiah was a narc's 
ion of Valhall He didn't have to 
look for drugs; he merely had to take his 
pick of what was offered to him. The 
Peacock became his headquarters, and 
after a while, they wouldn't allow him to 
pay for his drin 

He and Mary Jo fell totally in love 
with each other. She could surprise him 
with her humd ud romanticism, but 
she was also the toughest woman he'd 
ever met. One night at the Peacock, a 
Pomo Indian challenged her to а game 
of eight ball, and when his two buddies 
put up 5100 on the side rail, Sid did 
likewise. After a couple of minutes, Sid 
noticed that the Pomo moved the cue 
ball or threw one of his balls down a 
pocket every time Mary Jo turned her 
back to the table. Sid walked up to the 
side rail, picked up his $100 and said, 
"The game's over." 

“No, it’s not," the Indian replied. He 
grabbed Sid's arm and got punched in 
the neck for his trouble. His two friends 
jumped Sid at that point, and soon all 
four men were rolling on the floor, 
swinging and shouting wildly, Sid was in 
the process of getting his ass kicked 


“Nothing personal, Dad, but if 
I were you, I wouldn't ask too many questions 
about my boys’ club." 


when he heard Mary Jo yell, “C'mon, 
baby, you can do it, beat ‘em all up!” 

That clearly wasn't going to happen, 
especially when one of the Indi 
started kicking him in the chest. Sid 
looked up and saw Mary Jo rushing over 
with a pool cue; so did one of the 
Pomos, who jumped up and grabbed it 
away from her. The Indian threw the 
stick down and advanced on Mary Jo— 
and ran into a hard right hand that split 
his nose open and put him on his knees. 
One of his buddies got so angry that he 
stopped kicking Sid and went to belt out 
Mary Jo: she caught him with a clean 
right to the chin that knocked him over 
the pool table. 

Sid was almost unconscious; he and 
the remaining Pomo nevertheless ex- 
changed looks of amazement. The In- 
dian backed off, and Mary Jo picked 
Sid up by the collar and marched him 
out of there. 

That Apr Black fell off his white 
horse, One afternoon, Mary Jo turned 
him on to speed, and they stayed up for 
three straight days making love, playing 
cards, drinking and snorting crank. Like 
cocaine, speed isn't addictive, bur you 
sure can get hooked on the stuff. Black. 
loved being all cranked up. Speed gave 
him energy and a sense of power he'd 
never felt before. 

And he didn't even have to pay for it. 
Sid was so well liked and such a volume 
buyer that suppliers gave him as much 
as he wanted for his personal use. Speed 
doesn’t necessarily kill; it does, however, 
play hell with your system. In his first 
three weeks of doing crank, Sid lost 
more than 25 pounds. To see how far 
he could push himself, he went through 
18 bags while going without slecp for an 
entire weck. There seemed to be no 
limit to his strength. 

His drinking was also out of control. 
He was getting shitfaced every night 
now, downing round after round of 
tequila or brandy or show-off drinks 
such as flaming hookers—Southern Com- 
fort set on fire and swallowed while still 
aflame. His ulcer grew worse; he began 
vomiting blood. 

And yet Dan Black, ace narc, con- 
tinued to function. Every couple of 
weeks, he disappeared for several days to 
see his Angel friends in the Bay Area, 
and they continued to introduce him to 
drug dealers. During one such visit, Sid 
stopped into the same Vallejo bar in 
which he'd won his red wings. Several of 
his Angel friends invited him over to 
their table, and he was soon hearing 
about an Angels laboratory that was 
then producing 100,000 hits of LSD a 
week, Toward the end of the evening, 
the talk turned from dope to sex, and 
Sid was asked if earning his red wings 
had made him think at all differently 
about women. "No way," he boasted. 

I'll fuck anything that walks.” 

“Right there," said an Angel named 


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Joey, pointing to a g 
fuck her here and no 

Dan Black wanted to run and hide, 
but Sid Davis did not back down from a 
challenge. He went over to the girl, told 
her what had been said and she agreed 
to take him on. The only available space 
in the bar was next to the jukebox, 
which was next to the pool table; but 
when Sid and the girl got onto the floor, 
the pool players politely stepped over 
them. 

Just after Sid entered the girl's bod 
the jukebox began blasting out Unde 
cover Angel. That caused something to 
snap in his head, and Sid faded away 
completely at that moment. What was 
he doing? Black saw himself rutting like 
an animal in front of a bunch of wild 
men who'd kill him in a second if they 
ever discovered his true identity. 

A couple of weeks later, local law- 
enforcement authorities agreed upon a 
course of action: A date would soon be 
set for Black to testify before the grand 
jury, after which he'd lead a mass round- 
up of Ukiah dope dealers. 

At the end of April, the Mendocino 
sheriff's office acted upon a request Irom 
Humboldt County officials and asked 
Black to check out a bikers bar in 
areka, 120 miles north on the Coast. 
He and Mary Jo rode up there on his 
Harley, but the bar turned out to be 


rl. "I dare you to 


clean. For some reason, Mary Jo was 
eager to return to Ukiah the next day, 
so he took her back. When they walked 
into the Peacock that night. the bars 
pool table was covered with a white 
tablecloth and on it sat a huge cake 
topped by the figure ol a rider astride a 

y. It was Sid's birthday, and every 
dealer in Ukiah had shown up for the 
big event. Sid began crying. He didn't 
know who the hell he was anymore— 
only that he was about to hurt a lot of 
people he liked. 

And so Sid abruptly went out of busi- 
ness. Black quit buying dope and refused 
10 meet new dealers. In. mid-May 
made a decision: He had to get out. He 
wanted no further part of bci 
or being a biker; he wanted a 
One night. Mary Jo's house, he 
turned to her and said, "Hey, let's leave; 
let's cut out of here.” 

You mean take a trip?" she asked. 

"No," he said. “I mean, let's leave 
let's live somewhere else.” 


he answered. "We could 
maybe." 

і to fuckin’ Arizona.” 

Mary Jo said. “I like it right here. 
What's bugging you?” 

“Nothing,” he said. “Nothing at all.” 

At that moment, he realized that, of 

course, he wasn't going anyplace. His 


WS 


"It's a ticket for jay-jogging.” 


investigation would end as planned and 
his friends would all be sent to prison. 
Who would have thought that when the 
Lone Ranger took off his mask he'd turn 
out to be Judas? 

few days later, Lake County's $.LD. 
s officially notified that Black would 
testify before a grand jury in Ukiah in 
carly June. That information apparently 
landed in the wrong hands. 

Less than a week before Black's court- 
room date, three hippie types walked 
into the Peacock and saw Cedric talking 
with Sid. One of them called Cedric over 
and told him Sid was a narc. Cedric 
punched him in the mouth. The man's 
two friends were too terrified to do any- 
thing but carry him out of the bar. 

“Weird fuckers,” Cedric said, as he 
and Sid watched the three bearded men 
get into their car and take off. 
said vou were a nare. Can vou beat thai 

Black had never seen any of them be- 
fore. The following night. an casygoing 
biker named Buddy walked into the Pez 
cock with a worried look on his face. He 
to Sid's table and said, "Y 
better watch your ass, cousin. There’s a 
Lake County nare named Dan Black 
who's been workin' around town. 

Sid looked him very 
“Where'd you hear that?” 

“From some friends in Lake County, 
Buddy said. “The guy's supposed to be, 
oh, about your size. He drives a black 
Harley.” 

Black was grateful that his Harley was 
blue. “I'll keep an eye out for him,” he 
said. 


came over 


coolly. 


. 

Black stopped using speed two days 
before his grand-jury appearance. Не 
testified from eight in the morning un- 
til ten o'clock that night, and afters 
he agreed to show up at the sheriff's 
office at 1:30 the following afternoon. 
The roundup of suspects he'd n 
would begin at five к.м. 

He got to Mary Jo's house a half hour 
alter he finished testifying. He knew 
that he finally had to tell her who he 
was, yet he just couldn't bring himself 
to do it. He copped ош. "Listen, baby, 
he said, “you better get out of town. 
Some things are gonna happen tomor- 
‘ow, and it's not going to be healthy 
Tor either of us to be 

"Sid. I don't know what the hell 
you're talking about,” Mary Jo said. 

Black began packing up all his doth- 
ing. He couldn't look at her. 

"You son of a bitch. what are you 
doing? Where are going?” she 
shouted. He heard the pain in her voice 
and hated himself for it. 

"It's over with us!" he yelled. “И you 
know what's good for you, take off!” 

Mary Jo was crying when he slammed 
the door and walked out into the night 

The next day, Black arrived at the 
sheriff's office at 4:30. Sheriff Jondahl led 


ound. 


you 


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PLAYBOY 


236 


him into the squad room, where more 
than 50 police and deputy sheriffs were 
gathered. They'd been told nothing 
more than that they'd be introduced to 
the narc whose grand-jury testimony had 
implicated every suspected doper in 
town, Only Jondahl and two men on his 
staff knew Black's secret, and they hadn't. 
broken faith with him. The rest of the 
officers knew him only as Sid Davis, the 
swaggering biker and reputed dope deal- 


entlemen.” said Jondahl, "T want 
you to meet Dan Black, the undercover 
agent who's been on loan to us from 
Lake County." 

For a moment, the room was stunned 
into silence. And then Black's fellow 
officers stood up and cheered. They 
gathered around him, congratulating 
hin, shaking his hand, clapping him on 
the back. They bathed him in respect 
and admiration, but he was strangely 
unmoved. 

For the next four hours, Black led 
cars filled with law officers to various 
houses in and around Ukiah, and by 
nine o'clock, 98 people—including 
Gedric—had been arrested. During his 
seven months in Ukiah, Black had spent 
$40,000 of law-enforcement money on 
drugs that he delivered and on suspects 
that he bagged. He had done a magnifi- 
cent job. 

And yet he still didn't know how to 


tell Mary Jo he was a narc. The next 
morning, she and a girlfriend went 
down to police headquarters to bail 
ric out. A colleague of Black's led 
her into another room, where Sid was 
ting for her. 
Mary Jo, my name is Dan Blac 
been a cop for seven years. 
in a state of shock for 
two days. Black asked her not to leave 
him, but the idea that she'd lived with a 
narc was almost impossible for her to 
deal with. "1 would never have associ- 
ated with him if I knew he was а cop," 
she told a writer for the San Francisco 
Chronicle. 

Finally, though, she chose to stay with 
him. “He completely abandoned his wife 
and kids for me," she said. "I thought 
for two days and then I told him it took 
me five months to fall in love with him, 
so I'd stay with him no matter what.” 

When the Ukiah investigation ended, 
the state of California got 
out of 28 arrests. Black decided not to 
testily against Cedric Weir, though the 
Peacock Bar lost its liquor license and 
closed. 

Black detective 
work, but he just couldn't hack being a 
cop His superiors sensed his 
changed outlook and tried to shape him 
up by reassigning him to uniform duty 
in October 1977. He tried it for two days 
and then quit the force. 


convictions 


was transferred to 


anymore. 


By then, he'd moved back to Mary 
Jo's house in Ukiah. Although several 
police sources informed him that the 
Hell's Angels had i 

his life, Black made no plans to leave 
Northern California. He felt that if the 
Angels were truly out for his blood, 
the only way he'd escape would be by 
leaving the country, and he just wasn't 
ready for that. He was sure the Angels 
would eventually realize he hadn't tried 
to take them down. In time, if they 
didn't exactly forgive him, he was rea- 
sonably certain they'd at least forget 
about him. 

Soon after he moved back to Ukiah, 
Black heard that Cedric wanted to see 
him. The two men met for a drink. “I 
have no hard feelings,” Cedric told him. 
“You were only doing a job.” 

“You know something, Cedric? I think 
I better get my ass into a different line 
of work.” 


мей a contract on 


5 
In November, 1977, Black took a job 
as a construction worker and began us- 
ing speed again. Heavy rains throughout 
Northern California viriually shut down 
the construction industry that 
and Black soon sank into a 
depression. an unhappy. 
fused man, and Mary Jo found him 
difficult to live with. In carly December, 
she announced that husband was 
(concluded on page 214) 


autumn, 
e of 
con- 


He was 


her 


ft. 


22а music in 


nthe middle of nowhere. 


here is 


A spel Cia music made by the 


rattle of an oarlock across the stillness 
"ofa mou: tain lake. But enjoying that 
шыс dó smt OL crific 


п. Before you be 


ords me 
Ittapes 8 
le and plays them 
erful 2-way 4-speaker 


m. The с М80 features electron- 


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“Do you know what I miss? I miss taking off my clothes.” 


237 


i Hey, look who switched 
to Natural Light.” 


"Its that L. A. Codger himself, using only the finest natural ingredients. 
Tommy Lasorda. Tommy switched cuz Al he uu about is taste. 


he thinks Natural Light tastes better. if it's your tum to go to bat fora 
That's why he sent other light Sere tasting light beer, listen to Tommy's 
beers back to the minors. pitch. Si the beertender for a 


See, Tommy doesn’t know that Natural ight. It's one light beer youll 
Natural Light s great taste comes from always want to get your mitts оп, 


Taste is why you'll switch. 


ANHEUSER-BUSCH, INC. » SE. LOUIS, MO. 


PLAYBOY'S 


INFORMED SOURCE 


CAMPING 


it’s fun to fool around 
with mother nature 


The wilds are calling. The beaches and parks are as crowded 
as Bloomingdale's at Christmas; your summer-weight suit clings 
to your body like a wet plastic bag; and you want out. It’s 
time to go camping—not in some trailer-jammed roadside hive, 
of course, but in God's country, or as close to it as you can 
get in a few days. "There's just one problem: You're not alone. 
According to recent estimates, 48,000,000 American hikers and 
backpackers are hoping to get away from it all. Especially in 
summer. Fspecially on weekends. Especially to the convenient 
exurban parks of the East and the spectacular wildernesses of 
the West. 

Plan your escape for weekdays or an off-season weekend. 
Holidays are the worst time to camp; any time between Labor 
Day and Memorial Day is best, but don't try snow camping 
unless you have experience or a knowledgeable companion. 
Decide whether you want to camp in the desert, mountains, 
or forest, and hunker down with a good directory, such as 
The Bantam Great Outdoors Guide to the U.S. А. and Canada 
(see bibliography), which details available stomping grounds, 


how to get to them and what sorts of campsites they contain. 
Lesser-known regions recommended by our Travel Editor, 
Stephen Birnbaum, include: Badlands National Monument, 
South Dakota; Black Canyon of the Gunnison National Monu- 
ment, Colorado; Blue Ridge Parkway, Virginia, North Caro- 
lina; Buffalo National River, Arkansas; Carlsbad Caverns 
National Park, New Mexico; Chiricahua National Monument, 
Arizona; Craters of the Moon National Monument, Idaho; 
Everglades National Park, Florida; Great Sand Dunes National 
Monument, Colorado; Guadalupe Mountains National Park, 
Texas; Gulf Islands National Seashore, Florida, Mississippi: 
Haleakala National Park, Hawaii; Hawaii Volcanoes National 
Park, Hawaii; Isle Royale National Park, Michigan; Joshua 
Tree National Monument, California; Lassen Volcanic Na- 
tional Pai California; Lava Beds National Monument, 
California; Mesa Verde National Park, Colorado; Organ Pipe 
Cactus National Monument, Arizona; Petrified Forest National 
Park, Arizona; Pinnacles National Monument, California; 
Point Reyes National Seashore, California; Saguaro National 


239 


Monument, Arizona; Shenandoah National Park, Virginia; 
‘Theodore Roosevelt National Memorial Park, North Dakota. 
Still, seclusion is within reach in even the most trammeled 
parks and forests. Find out from local authorities which camp- 
sites and trails are most popular—and when. Plan to go else- 
where. Ask if you will need permits and whether or not open 
fires, cans and bottles are allowed in the area. Also, you will 
want to know if some areas are off limits because of bears or 
other predators, overuse, fragility of terrain or fire hazard. 
Some novice campers figure they have to buy everything 
Eddie Bauer sells before stepping into the great outdoors. Not 
so. Backpacks, tents, stoves, sleeping bags and other big-ticket 
gear can be rented from a reputable outfitter if you don't feel 
like investing, or if you want to compare brands first. In sum- 
mer, about all you'll need for clothes is a pair of shorts and 
pants (Khakis, not jeans, as bugs are attracted to dark colors), 
a long- and a short-sleeved shirt, a wool sweater, a rain poncho 
or cagoule, a lightweight down or Thinsulate vest, two pairs of 


bibliography 


The Bantam Great Outdoors Guide to the U.S.A. and 
Canada, by Val Landi. Lively narralive on wilderness rec- 
reation in cach slate and province. Emphasis on hunting and 
fishing, as well as on backpacking and canocing. Addresses 
provided for outfitters, lodges, maps. 

The New Complete Walker (Knopf), by Colin Fletcher. One 
man’s approach to backpacking pleasures and necessities, de- 
lightfully written. Information, philosophy and British hu- 
mor about “the house on your back,” as well as dangers real 
and imagined. Enlightening for seasoned and amateur out- | 
doorsmen alike. b 


ie. Advice end opi 
£o an 


wool socks and a bandanna. The latter can be used as a towel, 
headband, place mat or potholder when it’s not around your 
neck. Underwear is optional equipment. Make sure to change 
into warm, dry clothes before the sun gocs down; temperatures 
tend to plunge when evening sets in. 

Do you really nced to spend 100 bucks or more for support, 
lug soles and status? Probably not, unless you have inordinate- 
ly weak ankles or plan to do some serious off-trail climbing. 
Hiking boots may seem more appropriate than sneakers, but 
they also tend to bog you down and may give you blisters. Ex- 
perienced hikers know that a pound on your feet equals five on 
your back. Veteran mountaineer Lou Whittaker opts for cus- 
tomized running shoes with Vibram soles where tcrrain, weath- 
er and pack weight allow. Along those lines, Donner Mountain 
Corp. has come out with Gore-Tex hiking shoes and boots ($64 
and $69.50, respectively) that are sturdy, lightweight and don't 
require breaking in. 

In camping, less weight imparts more pleasure. Hikers who 
make like pack animals suffer blisters, backaches and lowered 
libidos. Take the least and lightest gear you can get away with. 
Choose a backpack that's right for your purposes rather than 
for a grand-scale expedition. Internal-frame packs can be taken 
on planes easily, and some designs adapt for suitcase-style 
carrying. 

Stuff sacks make organizing easier. Use one cach for break- 
fasts, Iunches, dinners, snacks, socks, toiletries, and so on. Es- 
sentials should stay in side pockets—toilet paper, sunscreen, 
bug dope, trail food, water bottle—so you won't waste time 
ferreting. Keep foul-weather gear within casy reach, too. 

Arrange pack weight to match each days terrain. Consult 
your map; if the trail looks fairly flat, pack heavy gear on top 
so the weight will balance over your hips. Hiking steep or 
rough paths calls for centering the weight, as a high load may 
tip you sideways. And if you plan on boulder hopping, move 
the weight to the bottom, lowering your center of gravity. In 
all cases, heavy objects should be near your back. 

‘When you're ready to hang up your hat and call it home, a 
few tenets apply to selecting a campsite. Stake out a leyel, 
rockless, rootless, protected piece of ground. Avoid mountain- 
tops, cliffs, swamps and low-tide areas. Once you've settled in 
and fed yourselves, pull out the length of rope that every 


PLAYBOY'S 
INFORMED SOURCE 


VT A ys 
; VITTLES TO.GO 


GORP, simply, is the perfect food, An acronym for 

good old raisins and pcanuts, it is a personalized mélange 
of mixed nuts, chocolate chips and dried fruit that 
satisfies hikers’ needs for fast, tasty, balanced nourish- 
ment. You might thrive indefinitely on the stuff, but 

you could dic of gustatorial boredom. Snack liberally on 
it as you hike, but consider other options for main courses. 

We wish we could say freeze-dried meals compare 
with fresh, but, unfortunately, the fancy French names 
translate to cafeteria-style grucl, Proportions arc 
deceptive: A package designated for two barely feeds one. 
With those cayéats in mind, here are some of the best: 

* Early Winters has the best soups around, from mock. 
turtle to mulligatawny. The freeze-dried espresso, 
orange juice and grapcfruit juice rate high marks, too. 

= Mountain House makes the most palatable freeze- 
dried sustenance, according to mountainecr-photogra- 
pher Galen Rowell, who has lived on the stuff for up to 
three months at a time. Our favorites are rib-cyc steak, 
shrimp cocktail, beef almondine, beef Stroganoff, ice 
cream and fruit. Fast, in-the-pouch preparation, 

= Sky-Lab Foods prepares already-cooked entrees in 
aluminum pouches; drop into boiling water to heat. 
Turkey, meatball and chicken pouches are excellent, 
but the beef resembles dog food. 

* Wee-Pak’s ham omelet, if scrambled, is moist and. 
meaty. Its sour-cream turkey with rice is the best 
casserole we tasted. 

In gencral, however, we prefer to mix things up а bit. 
Takc fast [ood for rainy nights and emergencies, 
but don't neglect special cdibles to lift libidos and. 

its: fresh asparagus, Bremner wafers, smoked 
salmon (prepared exquisitely for the outdoors by Early 
Wintcrs), Tobler chocolate, even a st and a bottle 
of Puligny Montrachet for your first night out. You'll 
make an unforgettable impression. 


If practice makes perfect, our 
outdoor home builder (for left) 
would be less boffled if he'd 
done o dry run at home. Doff 

the Nanda Devi Triolet pack by 
Lowe (rear) and the Hine/Snow- 
bridge Omego pack (front). Set 
up the utensils, comestibles and 
Optimus 8R stove. Slip out of the 
DMC Gore-Tex shoes. Rest up for 
the evening’s activities, like 
singing around the campfire. 


In the interest of ardor, it's vital 
to have some things come be- 
tween you ond the great out- 
doors—SierraWest’s airy Skylite 
tent, for instance. Lay closed-cell 
foam insulation between your 
bodies ond the ground. And be 
sure the sleeping-bag zippers 
are as compatible as you are. 


camper should carry in bear country (40 feet minimum), tie 
one end to your food bag and suspend the bag from a tree 
limb so animals can't freeload. 

While indulging in the finer pleasures of the great outdoors, 
you can leave urban paranoia behind. The probability of 
being unpleasantly interrupted is well below one percent; of 
more than 300,000,000 visitor days in national parks in 1980, 
only 9074 felony crimes were reported, mostly against property. 
Leave valuables and cash at home, not in the car—which is 
more likely to be mugged than you are. 
ally, we trust you'll show consideration for the place to 
which you've escaped. Camp at least 100 feet away from water; 
wash your dishes and bodies at a distance, too. Dig a discreet 
hole if there’s no latrine around, and carry out your trash. 

End of sermon. Now hie to the hills. —MAGDA KRANC 


2 ВЕБ 5 
There are lots of things you might not want to be without, and often 
they are things thet you might forget. Clockwise from bottom: Lock- 
blade knife, water bag, compass, biodegradable liquid soap, stuff 
bog, squeeze tube for soft foods, waterproof aluminum box with 
first-aid supplies, biodegradable leaf soap, bug dope, lithium-battery 
fleshlight, map measurer, Swiss Army knife ond miniature flashlight. 


241 


E 
К, 
? / 
< 


ЛААЛ 


E 


All you need when you need to straighten out 
your trip. In English. 


ou need someone who not only understands English, but 
so someone who understands your travel problems. And 
спу who you'll find at the more than 1,000 Travel 
Service Offices of ic npany,itssubsidi: 
and Representati know how to 
untangle a snarled itinera 
the Card. To replace а 
d peop 
you at home and abroad. The American Expre: 
Dont leave home withouit it. 


PLAYBOY PUZZLE 


AMAZING! 


hen an ardent admirer closely inspected the body stocking worn by the young lady pictured 
f her threads didn’t quite meet. Deciding 


y's left foot and traced a path through the 
figure, and ended (with a sigh) at the toes of her right foot. 
rom one delicate foot to the other, without getting lost? 


here, he discovered, with much fascination, that som 
ate further, he began at the tip of the la 
spaces in the body stocking, over her fetchir 


Can you be as successful as he in finding the зу; 


FINISH 


Answer on poge 244. 


PLAYBOY 


244 


UNDERCOVER ANGEL 


about to be released from prison and 
that she and Elisha return to 
Colorado in mid-January. Black realized 
that if she went to Colorado, there'd 
be nothing left in his life. 

On December 20, 1977, Mary Jo and 
her daughter left Ukiah for a week-long 
visit with her parents, who lived in a 
San Francisco suburb. 

The next day, behind a headful of 
crank, Black walked into the Geyser- 
ville branch of the Bank of America 
Bencath а zippered jacket, he wore the 
alley sweeper Charlie Harris had given 
him a graduation present. Black 
rolled ski mask down over his face, 
whipped out the concealed, sawed-off 
shotgun and handed a startled teller a 
paper bag with instructions to fill it 
with cash. He escaped with $282. 

Afterward, he drove around for two 
hours in an óld green Ford Falcon and 
then returned to Mary Jos house. He 
at there all night long, snorting speed 
and thinking: What have I done? E 
could have been shot. I must be crazy. 

He spent a lonely Christmas Eve by 
himself and the next night picked up 


would 


Answer to puzzle on page 243. 


(continued from page 236) 
Elisha and Mary Jo at her mother’s 
house. When they got back to Ukiah, 
he told her about the robbery 
“Why?” she kept asking 
you do it? 
When he wied to tell her, he found 
that he didn't know why. He started 
aying, and so did Mary Jo. The only 
thing he knew was that he needed her; 
he also knew that Mary Jo was right 
when she said it wasn't working out 
between them. When she recovered her 
composure, Mary Jo told him he'd have 
to move out after New Year's Eve. She 
didn't want him around longer than that. 
On the worst New Year's Eve of 
Black's life, he and Mary Jo went to 
sleep at nine р.м 
loaded the Falcon and drove aimlessly 
around for 12 hours. He slept in the car 
that night, and in the morning he 
hought a bottle of tequila, two six-packs 
of Coors and checked into a motel. He 
had lots of crank left and he meant to 
get wasted. 


“Why did 


The next morning, he 


. 
and 


Five л.м. 
considered checkii 


and Dan 
g out of the motel but 


came went 


decided against it. Shortly before ten 
o'clock, he got into the car and drove 
to Mary Jo's house to sce her for the 
last time, Mary Jo had said he could 
take her and Elisha to the bank and 
perhaps for a little shopping trip afte 
ward, but that would be it. Black des- 
perately hoped to charm her into getting 
back with him, but as soon as Mary 
Jo opened the door, he could tell that 
wasn't going to happen. She was cool 
and distant and remained that way the 
rest of the morning. At noon, he dropped 
her and Elisha oll at home. He'd never 
see th 

A half hour later, Black held up the 
Savings Bank of Mendocino County in 
Ukiah and got away with $6850. He 
didn’t even get а chance to count it. 
From the bank, he drove to a bar a few 
les away, where he ordered a brandy 
nd soda and played one rack of eight 
ball. Then he made a telephone call to 
Mary Jo. While he was dialing, Black 
heard the roaring whine of police sirens, 

then their plaintive mechanical 
gasps as they were turned off in front of 
the bar. He didn't have to be 
perienced cop to figure out that his car 
had been spotted outside. 

Mary Jo was crying when she answered 
the phone. 

“What's the matter?” he asked. 

"Oh, Dan, I've got the goddamn C.B. 
scanner on, and they just reported the 
bank robbery. You did it, I know you 
did it." 

Yeah,” he said calmly, “I did." 

“They're gonna arrest you this time. 
They're gonna send you to jail" she 
sobbed. 

Just then, Deputy Rick Iversen, a 
cop Black liked, walked into the bar and 
tapped him on the shoulder. Black 
looked at him and nodded. 

“They're here now,” he told Mary Jo. 
“Goodbye, baby.” 


m ag, 


and 


an ex- 


After the trial, Dan Black's public 
defender said he'd never seen a man so 
intent on being punished, Convicted of 


two counts of armed robbery, he wa 
sentenced to four years in Soledad pri: 


on. In 1978, while he was still serving his 
sentence, he and Cl e divorced. 

Black was paroled on December 11, 
1980. Eight days later, he married. Bon- 
nie Ford, whom he had met several 
weeks before his trial. In recent months, 
they have been looking for a ranch to 
manage, and Black has applied for more 
than 60 jobs, without success. 

There is a chance that he will lecture 
at seminars to be conducted by the FBI 
at its National Academy in Q 
Virginia. Proposed subject: the d. 
of being an undercover narcotics 


dia ме 


antico, 
ngi 
"nt 


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motor scooter may not be able to keep up with the 
supercycles, but you meet some mighty interesting 
people traveling at more civilized rates of speed. Not 
too civilized, however, as Vespa's P200E is perfectly 
legal for expressway travel and is capable of cruising at 60 mph. 


Right: Our lady of the fastlane is on 
a top-of-the-line Vespa P200E, by 
Piaggo, priced at anly $1800—plus 
about $100 for the clear-Plexiglas 
windscreen. (No bugs on her.) 
Above: For small packages, there 
D ional $59 chrome and 
steel rear carrier that folds. Below: 
The elegant finishing touch — 
chrome hubcaps at $19 each. 


9 асет] 


Add to that 78-mpg economy, a base price that's only $1800 

enough optional goodies to make the siren call of the open road 
even sweeter, and you have a very compelling two-wheel reason 
not to stay indoors. Sorry, phone-number freaks, right after the 
shooting, our blonde friend, below, scooted on her scooter. 


Above: Riding a Vespa without a 
horn is like not being able to whis- 
tle in Rome. And who can hear you 
whistle in Rome, anyway? So honk. 
The horn here is just $45. Below: A 
sturdy lockable travel trunk for 
very important documents, such as 
your little black book, $149. (All 
scooter accessories are from 
D.A.S.M.l. of Chicago, Illinois.) 


FASHION 


SMOOTH AS SILK 


t may not be in the cards for you to have an entire 
warm-weather wardrobe made of silk, but if you 
could—what a midsummer dream! Silk’s rich colors and 
sensuous feel are unbeatable. It’s showing up as a fa- 
vorite designer fabric in everything from lounging clothes 
to streetwear. (There’s even a silk rain parka.) You might 


have to break the bank to indulge in it, because silk is 
expensive to own; if you have to ask what dry cleaning it 
costs, you can't afford it. Still, if you're going to be a fash- 
ion bear, be a grizzly. One silk outfit is worth a dozen 
sleazy imitations and, all considered, the price really 
needn't be prohibitive. 


—DAVID PLATT 


Left: This fellow's backed up his 
hand with something slick—a 
waterproof silk parka with elas- 
licized waist, stand-up collar 
and three pleated patch flap 
pockets, $200, worn over a 
multicolor-silk broadcloth 
short-sleeved V-neck, $130, 
plus a pair of silk canvas pleated 
walking shorts, $100, all by 
Pinky & Dianne Ltd. Left below: 
Here, our ace is serving up a 
different kind of silky pitch 
wearing a silk baseball-type 
jacket, $175, plus a silk crepe 
de Chine short-sleeved shirt, 
$87.50, and raw-silk drawstring 
slacks, $65, allby Morgan Ayres 
for Gary E. Miller. 


248 


DAVID 
PLATT’S 
FASHION 
TIPS 


Lightweight knit or woven 
casual slacks based on the type 
of warm-up pants that jocks 
have been exercising in for 
years are rapidly becoming this 
summer's most popular alterna- 
tive to ubiquitous blue jeans. 
Some of these sporty styles 
come with elasticized waist- 
bands, and others have only 
drawstrings—all, however, fea- 
ture a gathered cuff (knit or 
with adjustable, tabs). Hot tip: 
Buy several pairs and keep one 
strictly for the beach. The gath- 
ered cuff helps keep sand off. 

+ 

This summer, you also may 
have noticed a number of wear- 
ables made in a seemingly 
anomalous material for the sea- 
son: leather. The fact is that 
leather adapts surprisingly well 
to warm weather, and designers 
have been hell-bent on creating 
more styles in everything from 
chamois swim shorts (when they 
wear out, you can always polish 
the car with them) to perforated 
suede T-shirts. Later in the sum- 


E Above: Does his pair heat 

Š hers? They're not talking, mer, expect many of the looks 

аас O to be marked down in order to 

EW haned make room for fall styles. What 

^ game getting down to only goes on sale will make excellent 
araw-silk singh buys for transitional wear. 
ventless jacket © 


notch lapels, $88, plus 
ecru raw-silk walking 
shorts, $48, both by Patti 


Speaking of colder weather, 
if you've grown tired of seeing 


li's Mens. Left: A everyone look like the Pillsbury 
ETE of silk mead: Doughboy (or girl) in those 
ing his silk/cotton/rayon huge puffy down and fiber-filled 
tweed jacket, about $360, coats, you'll be happy to learn 
silk double-pleated slacks, that new technologies have de- 
about $170, silk long- veloped more flattering fabrics 
State n that cut the chill without all 
and a silk/cotton tie, $25, that bulk. 


all by Jhane Barnes. 


. 

Sometimes the simplest looks 
can make the freshest and 
most unexpected fashion state- 
ments. For example, take a pair 
of white-cotton jeans, add a 
peach-colored sweat shirt worn 
over a white knit polo shirt, 
plus peach-colored socks and a 
pair of tan boating shoes, and 
you have a Saturday outfit that 
won't go unnoticed. 


PLAYBOY 


E The Surgeon General Has Determined 
250 


Important news forultra low tar smokers. 


Merit 
Announces 


New Merit 
Ultra Lights! 


Now the MERIT idea has been introduced at only 4 mg tar- 


New MERIT Ultra Lights. A milder MERIT for those who prefer 
an ultra low tar cigarette. 

New MERIT Ultra Lights. Its going to seta whole new taste 
standard for ultra low tar smoking. 


= 


Only | meRIT MERIT | 


Ame tar | py ue 
Regular & } 
Menthol Е 


<=> MERIT 


е 
© Philip Morris Inc. 1981 
4 mg ""tar;' 0.4 mg nicotine | га | ights 
d 


av. per cigarette by FTC Мето 


БЕЯ 


MERT уму, 
ЛЕУ, 


That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health. 


< 
3 
z 
8 


FOOD. 


WAKE UP TO A LITTLE SUSHI 


oes the food at your favorite restaurant suddenly 
bore you? Do you have nightmares about Salisbury 
steak? What you need is a new dining experience. 
Try visiting a sushi bar. 

Sushi is the raw-fish-and-vinegared-rice cuisine of Japan; 
and although the idea of actually eating raw fish may be 
hard to swallow in our beef-and-chicken society, most 
people who sample sushi are pleasantly surprised—then 
addicted for life. It's delightful, sensuous and perfect for 
weight watchers. Best of all, it doesn't move on the plate. 

According to Hiromi Sano, owner of Los Angeles’ pop- 
ular Enshino restaurant, sushi has shed its trendy image in 
exchange for a loyal and sizable following. “Three years 
ago, there were 20 sushi bars in L-A; now there are more 
than 200,” he laughs. "Lots of competition.” 

Sushi bars are usually found at Japanese restau- ЖЫ 
rants in areas where fresh fish is readily available. 

Thus, their distribution is mainly coastal; but they also 


reminiscent of world-series week at the local pub. The chef 
acts as bartender, while a healthy mix of sushi veterans and 
virgins please their palates and swap stories about their 
initial apprehension of and eventual addiction to the sushi 
way of life. "It's the United Nations of restaurants,” says 
‘one sushi connoisseur. 

The interaction also has its more serious side. It helps 
lessen the intimidation of discovering that Japanese is the 
bar's predominant language. A chef's blank stare or little 
bow and inquisitive smile when you order may be unnerv- 
ing. It means, “No savvy, Kemosabe-san.” So try again. 
Happily, there’s usually a menu crib sheet with pictures of 
the various types of sushi prominently posted from which 
to choose. 

Sushi-bar clientele sit around the wooden counter that 
surrounds the shokunin's work area. The bar's 

fish selection is displayed in refrigerated glass 


B. cases directly in front of you. As a matter of 


Sushi appeals to the eye as well as to the palate—as these exotic-looking edibles prepared by Chicago's Hatsuhana restaurant attest. Clockwise from 
12: Shrimp and tuna with shredded white radish; egg custard and seaweed tamago; a salmon flower; yellowtail sashimi; whisper-thin slices of artfully 
arranged cucumber; and a fluke flower. At center: A succulent sweet shrimp cluster with lemon. Sorry, Charley, only the freshest fish need apply. 


thrive in Chicago, Houston, Dallas, Atlanta and other inland 
cities where fish can be flown in easily. 

The sushi bar is separate from the traditional dining area 
where hot dishes are the main fare and, therefore, pos- 
sesses a mystique all its own. The decor can be luxurious. 
Usually, it's understated—sometimes even undernourished. 
But aesthetics are a minor concern. A sushi bar should be 
judged on the quality of its fish, the taste of the rice and 
the chef's skill in preparing the food. 

The correct bar ambience is lively and conversational, 


pride, the fish is always pristinely fresh and of top quality. 
Once you're seated, the chef will greet you and offer a 
hot, rolled hand towel. Your station will already be set up 
with chopsticks, napkin, soy sauce and a small dish in 
which to dip the sushi, if you wish, in a mixture of soy 
sauce (shoyu) and wasabi, an incandescent green paste 
made from powdered horseradish that clears the sinuses 
better than Peruvian flake cocaine. Your shokunin will pro- 
vide a mound of pickled ginger slices (gari or shoga), used 
to cleanse the palate between different fish. Assertiveness 


251 


252 


is essential when you're ready to order. You have to catch 
the chef's attention and call out your wishes like everyone 
else—at the right moment. There's no room for timid souls 
ata sushi bar. 

The shokunin fills each order individually, wielding his 
razor-sharp knife with a panache far exceeding the “Every 
meal a show/Every show a meal" mentality of the Japanese- 
American steakhouse circuit. Preslicing the fish is dishon- 
orable and casts suspicion on its freshness: The finished 
product is served directly on the wooden counter lip, or 
sometimes on a wooden or lacquered tray. Each sushi order, 


FOOD 


cut), salmon (shake), cooked or raw shrimp (ebi), crab 
(kani), swordfish and cooked fresh or salt-water eel (anago) 
complete the list. Selection varies with the season, locality 
and the sushi bar's preference. 

Octopus and eel are covered with a thick, sweet soy 
sauce, which enhances the meat. Nigiri gamishes include 
whisper-thin scallion slices, sesame seeds and a sprinkle of 
lemon juice when you want to make any fish milder. 

Nori maki is simply a rice-and-seaweed roll with fish, 
cucumber, pickled vegetables or any combination thereof 
inside. It's sliced crosswise into four or six inch-thick pieces. 
Tuna-and-rice nori maki is called tekka 


A SHORT-ORDER 
GUIDE TO SUSHI BARS 


SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: 


maki, With cucumber alone, it’s called 
kappa maki. Add other ingredients and 
you can name it yourself, Creativity is 
part of the fun. Nori rolls served uncut 
in half sheets of seaweed are called 


HANA SUSHI, 11831 Wilshire Boulevard, West Los Angeles. Long bar. Very lively. (213- 
473-6828.) HIRO SUSHI. 1621 Wilshire Boulevard, Santa Monica. A favorite hangout of 
music and movie biggies. (213-395-3570.) PEAR GARDEN, 666 North La Cienega 
Boulevard, Los Angeles. An expensive—but exquisite—sushi bar with 14 seats; it’s part 
of a Japanese/Korean restaurant. (213-659-3022.) Also worth trying: Enchino, 17049 Ven- 
tura Boulevard, Encino; O-Sho Sushi, 10914 Pico Boulevard, West Los Angeles; Teru 
Sushi, 11940 Ventura Boulevard, Studio City. 

CHICAGO: 

HATSUHANA, 160 East Ontario. This 25-seat sushi bar serves fresh fish flown in daily. 
(312-280-8287.) KAMEHACHI OF TOKYO, 1617 North Wells. If you're seriously into sushi, 
insist onsitting atthe bar. (312-664-3663.) Also worth trying: Happi Sushi Restaurant, 3346 
North Clark Street; Hashikin, 2338 North Clark Street; Tokyo International Restaurant, 


temaki. 

The rolled-and-sliced style is one 
with which a skilled shokunin can real- 
ly strut his stuff. Depending on the 
combination and placement of the fish 
and vegetable innards, once sliced, in- 
tricate designs, flowers and geometric 
patterns will appear. Such sleights of 
hand are usually reserved for catered 
sushi assortments, but they have be- 


1935 West Irving Park Road. 
NEW YORK CITY: 


Chaya, 198 Columbus Avenue; Nishi, 325 Amsterdam Avenue. 


LENGE, 202 Columbus Avenue. Convenient to Lincoln Center. (212-874-8278.) 
NAKAGAWA, 7 West 44th Street. Elegant and expensive. Tremendous variety. (212-869- 
8077.) SUSHIKO, 251 West 55th Street. The theater district's sushi bar. (212-974-9721.) Also. 
worth trying: Hatsuhana, 17 East 48th Street; Soho Robata, 143 Spring Street; Sakura 


come increasingly common, because 
shokunin like to dazzle Americans. It's 
cing demonstration of 
ity. You order what you 
want, how you want it. Almost any- 
thing goes, though a chef may some- 
times decline a request because he 


in its complexity or simplicity of design, is a thing of beauty. 

The top chefs study the art of sushi for at least five years. 
Their apprenticeship begins with two years of washing 
dishes and making trips to the fish market. The third year is 
spent learning to prepare the special sushi rice. The re- 
maining time is devoted to becoming familiar with the 
many varieties of fish and honing preparatory skills. Most 
chefs immigrate from Japan, but some, due to high de- 
mand, are learning on the job in America. 

Sushi originated in China about 1500 years ago. It drifted 
to Korea, where the fish and vegetable ingredients were 
wrapped in a butter-lettuce leaf instead of today's nori (a 
crisp, flat sheet of pressed and dried seaweed). Sushi 
reached Japan around 1000 A.D. and took firm hold because 
of that country's dependence on the sea. Each of Japan's 
states developed indigenous styles of sushi, but the current 
Tokyo (Edomae) version has prevailed for about 300 years. 

Tokyo sushi includes some tempting variations. The most 
popular is nigiri, in which a palm's-width slice of fish is 
dabbed with wasabi and hand-molded over a small fistful 
of cool rice. The importance of temperature explains why 
there are no female shokunin: Women are thought to have 
warm hands. 

Almost any kind of fish can be used for nigiri. The white- 
fleshed variety, including the blander-tasting red snapper 
(tai), rock cod, halibut (hirame), sea bass (suzuki) and the 
buttery-flavored yellowtail (hamachi), is more tender than a 
rare filet mignon. The same is true for the tuna (maguro) 
cuts: akarni, the bright-red fillet; toro, the fat and oily belly 
meat; and chu toro, its milder cousin. 

The more distinctive-tasting and firmer-textured fish in- 
clude squid (ika), abalone (awabi), octopus (tako), Japanese 
clam (aoyagi), giant clam (mirugai), fresh scallops (taira gai) 
and an assortment of shellfish interiors. 

Two varieties of mackerel (Spanish and the fishier regular 


knows better. Trust him. 

Funamori or “gunkan maki” are small, cuplike construc- 
tions. They are used to hold the less stable sushi ingredients 
and are made by winding a wide strip of seaweed around a 
base of rice. Common funamori include glassy salmon roe 
(ikura), crab and smelt eggs, oysters, jellyfish, scallops and 
the briny sea urchin (uni)—for the courageous only. For a 
twist, add a quail's-egg yolk to a bed of salmon roe. 

Take it slowly for your first sushi experience. Don't be 
afraid to ask for help. Start with some of the blander nigiri 
and work your way up. A standard order is two pieces of 
nigiri (the numbers one and three are considered unlucky), 
and the average diner can consume about five orders and 
one or two nori rolls. Or try sashimi—slices of fish without 
the rice, arranged on a platter to represent the ocean, 
mountains and sky. 

And now a few words about manners. To eat nigiri, for 
example, take it between thumb and forefinger and dip it, 
if you desire, fish side down into the soy-sauce-and-wasabi 
mixture. Using chopsticks for nigiri, funamori and nori maki 
is déclassé. Two bites are acceptable—again, fish side 
down. Don't smoke (if possible) or order hot meals at the 
bar. The conflicting odors destroy the delicate essence of 
the fish. 

A high-protein, low-fat content is part of sushi's appeal. 
If you can afford it regularly, it makes a great diet. A typical 
nigiri order costs from $1.40 to two dollars (for two pieces) ; 
dinner, with drinks, is usually $20-$35 per couple. Best of 
all, sushi never leaves you stuffed. 

And let's not forget sushi's sensuality quotient. Fish has 
long been accorded aphrodisiacal powers; just the sensa- 
tion of a fresh piece of tuna sliding cleanly across your 
tongue is enough to make you want to break the ice with 
that redhead at the other end of the bar. It may sound 
fishy, but you've already got something in common. 

—DAVID RENSIN 


YN WAS seventeen years 
асо, in August, that Norman 

Macqueen says he saw 
the Loch Ness monster. 


-The good things in life 
stay that way. 
Dewar's” never varies. 


Allen | Mi 


$A 
T 


BLENDED SCOTCH WHISKY - 6.8 PROOF «(E 1961 SCHENLEY IMPORTS СО. N.Y. NY. 


GRAPE 


A Garden of Earthly Delights 


There’s no tie vote this month, folks; actress SUSAN SARANDON has 
the celebrity breasts of perhaps the whole summer. When this photo: 
arrived, we almost forgot about how good she is in Atlantic City, 
her latest movie. We almost forgot that this is just a job. 


More Greasy 
Kid’s Stuff 


RICK NELSON is a real 
golden oldy. We watched 
him grow up on TV and lis- 
tened to his early music with 
embarrassment and hope. 
The embarrassment is all 
gonenow. Listen to his latest 
album, Playing to Win, if 
you don't believe us. 


Getting Her Licks In 


Singer CARLENE CARTER's musical pedigree is just about perfect. 
Her mom is June Carter Cash, her stepfather is the Man in Black and 
her grandma was Mother Maybelle. She even married music, 
rocker Nick Lowe, Carter's music is third generation, first string. 


© 195! ROBERT A. MATHEU 


© 1981 LYNN GOLDSMITH /LG! 


Weaver Fever 


We thought actress SIGOURNEY WEAVER 
was the best special effect in Alien and we pre- 
dicted she'd go far. We weren't wrong. Weaver 
teamed up with William Hurt to make Eyewit- 
ness and their chemistry was right. Now 
everyone's talking. 


Busting Out 
All Over 


FARRAH FAWCETT’s 
got more going for 
her these days than 
just Ryan O'Neal. 

| She made a contro- 
versial TV movie, 
Murder in Texas, 
whichaired last 
spring, and her new 
film, The Cannonball 
Run, co-stars Burt 
Reynolds. See 
what a new 
haircut 

can do? 


HERB RITTS JGAMMALIAISON 


She’s Got 
It Wrapped 

If this is the wet look, we'll 

take it. To J.R., she's long- 
suffering Sue Ellen, but in the 
teal world, actress LINDA 
GRAY probably always gets her 
man. Eat your heart out, 
Moral Majority! 


My Way 
In showbiz, this is what you'd call a big finale. Singer PETER ALLEN co-starred with The 


Radio City Music Hall Rockettes earlier this year and Showtime filmed the whole ex- 
travaganza for cable-TV audiences. We heard that the camel doesn't tap. 


C. DAVID BATALSKY 


BRIGITTE LACOMBE / GAMMA-LIAISON 


BUT IT SOUNDS LIKE A 
GREAT LINE, ANYWAY 


As much as we'd like to report that 
sex can prevent toxic-shock syndrome 
(TSS), as well as influenza, sinusitis and 
acne, it's not irue. Contrary to what's 
been reported in other magazines, con- 
traction of TSS has not been associated 
with lack of sex, says Dr. 


SEX NEWS 


noninfected peers paralleled their lack 
of sex, debunking the theory. 


BETTER A BRIDESMAID 
THAN A BRIDE? 


The first duty of any English queen is 
to conceive and produce an heir and 
to repeat the process as often as pos- 
sible. At least one might conclude that 


You might call this hi-infideli 
Seka, star of such crackerjack sinematics as On White Satin, was celebrated in song. Singer 


Kenny Dino appears to have put his feelings 


(M was only a matter of time before platinum porn princess 


a picture disc featuring you know who. In the interest of culture, we invited the real Seka 
to pose for this historic photograph. By the way, she rates the record only a so-so. Sorry, Kenny. 


into words and music on Love Songs for Seka, 


Bruce Dan of the National Center for 
Disease Control’s task force on TSS. 

For reasons unknown but under in- 
vestigation, TSS tends to be a disease 
of very young women. Half of all cases 
occur in girls under 20. A third of those 
cases are found among girls between 
15 and 19, a group only recently enter- 
ing the sexual Olympics, or at least 
dreaming about it. That information 
has led to speculation that lack of sex 
leads to TSS. Although sexual activity 
was low in the group studied, their 


Is this rock-"n'-roll 
future? With revenues 


slipping, 
it's Great Gi 


and other rock clubs 
now book female mud- 
wrestling matches. 
After the 
defrocking, the show 


doesn't 


from the last А.С./О.С. 
concert we saw. 


from Royal Confinements: A Gynae- 
cological History of Britain's Royal 
Family, by Jack Dewhurst. We recom- 
mend it to anyone who'd be queen. 

It’s a report on the breeding and 
birthing habits of England's queens 
during the 200 years preceding and in- 
cluding Victoria, who bore nine chil- 
dren. The champion breeders were 
Charlotte and George Ill, who pro- 
duced 15 children, meanwhile presid- 
ing over that nasty revolt in the North 
American colonies, 

Back then, the test of 
any good woman was her 
fertility. Where women to- 
day are accused of faking 
orgasm, English noble- 
women were accused of 
faking pregnancy. Mary of 
Modena carried James II's 
son while his daughter 
from an earlier merriage 
schemed to peek at the 
undressed queen to find 
out whether or not she 
was padding herself. 
When she finally gave 
2 birth, Mary was accused 
of smuggling in an infant 
5 in a bed-warming pan— 


New York 
Idersleeves 


jal 


vary much 


even though more than 60 people, 
including the entire Privy Council and 
Mary's mother-in-law, witnessed the 
birth. Correspondence between the 
royal families of Europe (most of them 
were related) often carried rumors that 
Queen Whoever had missed her period. 

It wasn't always the queens who 
were subjected to such scrutiny. Queen 
Caroline gossiped about her own son's 
alleged impotence. As things turned 
out, he later fathered nine kids. 

Prince George of Wales, a profligate 
dandy, was pressured to marry because 
of his debts. He quickly wed Caroline 
of Brunswick, who wes fat, ugly and 
smelled. After meeting his intended 
for the first time, he uttered the im- 
mortal words “Harris, | am not well. 
Pray, bring me a glass of brandy." 
He showed up at the wedding drunk. 
Duty being a forceful taskmaster, 
George sired one heir, conceived on 
the wedding night—assuring his place 


T-SHIRT OF THE MONTH 


B 
B 


VERSER. 


This is the Incredible Shrinking T-shirt, 
used to hype the movie The Incredible 
Shrinking Woman. The incredible shrink- 
ing violet pictured here was prewashed. 


as a blueblood who gives new meaning 
to the term blue-balls. 


WANNA DROP BY FOR SOME 
ANALYSIS. TONIGHT? 


The American Psychological Associa- 
tion Council of Representatives has is- 
sued this statement: “Psychologists do 
not exploit their professional relation- 
ships with clients, supervisees, students, 
employees or research participants sex- 
ually or otherwise.” We perceive two 
far-reaching effects of that position. 
First, enrollments in psychology courses 
will probably fall precipitously. Second, 
singles bars may register an upswing 
in the number of shrinks showing up 
for disco lessons, bull riding or 
whatever it is they do these days. EB 


We knew Elke 
was our kind of 
girl when we met 


her at a pool party | Ferrari 308 GT4 to cover the same 
in Beverly Hills and she said, "You | stretch of real estate 
know everybody out here drives 


the Rabbir Convertible will go 0-50 
in a perky 92 seconcs. That's only a 
| few seconds more than it tokes the 


In the Rabbit you may get a lot 


a Rolls-Royce. 19 much rather pull | of laughs. In the Ferrari you may get 


up to the Oscars in a Rabbit 
Convertible." 


Asidefrom its obvious panache, 


| 


| alot of tickets. 

You don't have to have a sense 
of humor to drive a Rabbit Convert- 
ible. It's got enough for both of you. 


F you'll be reassured to 
know the car has so- | One night on the town with this 
phisticated engineer- 


ing like front-wheel drive, | calls it...the perfect car for Sommer. 


гаск-апа-ріпіоп steering and K Jet- 
ronic Fuel Injection 

The top is triple layered. It has a 
real glass window laced with real 
heating elements to melt snow or 
ice. In fact, the only convertible tops 
like it sit on top of a $140,000 Rolls- 
Royce and a $30,000 Mercedes. 

The AM/FM stereo cassette sound 
system will let you boogie down the 
boulevard with the best of them. 

And hear this. Ifyou wantto hustle 


baby, and you'll know why Elke 


VOLKSWAGEN 
DOES IT 
AGAIN 


PLAYBOY 


258 


The largest selection of 
exotics and handmade boots 
for men and women 

featuring: 


Lucchese 
Larry Mahan 
Mercedes 
Tony Lama 
Justin 


For our latest Bootand Clothing 
Catalog send $5 which may be 
applied toward purchase. 


СШ 


1705 S. Catalina Avenue. 
Redondo Beach, CA 90277 


| LYNCHBURG 
HARDWARE GENERAL STORE | 
23 Main St., Lynchburg, TN 37352 


JACK DANIEL 
BLUE DENIM 
HOGWASHERS* 


Nowadays, folks call these “coveralls”, "over- 
alls”, or “bib overalls”, bul when | was a boy, 
we called them "hogwashers". This sturdy pair 
has Jack Daniel brass buttons, and snaps, a 
tailored Jack Daniel's label on the front, and a 
handsomely embroidered monogram on the 
back yoke. These durable, many-pocketed, blue 
denim Hogwashers® are greal for chores or 
just kicking around. Give waist size (30-42) and 
inseam (34-36) when ordering. My $22.00 price 
includes postage and handling. 


Send check, money order or use American Express, 
Visa or Master Card, including all numbers and 
signature. (Add 6% sales tax for TN delivery.) 

For a color calatog {ull of old Tennessee items and 
Jack Daniel's memorabilia, send $1.00 to the above 
address. Telephone 615-759-7184 


NEXT MONTH: 


ae | 


REINHART'S WOMEN. 


SUMMER SEK FIG NEWTONS 


“REINHART’S WOMEN"—FROM THE AUTHOR OF LITTLE BIG 
MAN, THE WRY TALE OF A FELLOW WHOSE DAUGHTER IS A LES- 
BIAN, WHOSE SON IS MARRIED TO A LUSH AND WHOSE EX-WIFE 
IS OUT TC RUIN HIM. AS HIS SEXY CO-WORKER OBSERVES, “SOME 
DAYS ARE LIKE THAT"—BY THOMAS BERGER 


“A FISTFUL OF FIG NEWTONS"—HURRAY FOR THE TRIUMPHAL 
RETURN OF THE DEAN OF PLAYBOY HUMORISTS IN A HILARIOUS 
YARN ABOUT A WEIRD CAMPUS CONTEST—BY JEAN SHEPHERD 


“SUMMER AND SEX"—ACTUALLY, WE'VE ALWAYS THOUGHT 
THE TWO WERE INSEPARABLE. AND WE WERE RIGHT. WE SHOW 
YOU WHERE TO GO FOR THE ULTIMATE IN SUN, SAND AND SURF. 
FRANKIE AND ANNETTE GO NEW WAVE?: YOU'LL LOVE IT. 


“THE RIGHT GUARD: WASHINGTON'S MOST REPRESSIVE 
LEADERS"—IN THE GRAND STYLE WE INAUGURATED WITH 
HEAVENLY HOSTS, OUR TREATMENT OF MEDIA EVANGELISTS, WE 
INTRODUCE A BIZARRE CAST OF PUBLIC OFFICIALS WHO ARE 
DOING EVERYTHING THEY CAN TO TAKE THE FUN OUT OF LIFE. 
PLUS: *HOW THESE GUYS GOT HERE: A BRIEF LOOK AT 
THE SYSTEM," BY EDWARD ROEDER 


“VIVA VALERIE?"—A WORDS-AND-PICTURES VISIT WITH VAL- 
ERIE PERRINE, THE FREEST SPIRIT IN HOLLYWOOD. YOU'LL SEE. 
HER SOON IN SUPERMAN Il AND (WITH JACK NICHOLSON) THE 
BORDER, BUT YOU'LL SEE MORE OF HER IN PLAYBOY 


“THE AIRLINE-BAGGAGE SCANDAL"'—A LOT OF THOSE LOST 
SUITCASES AREN'T REALLY LOST: THEY'RE STOLEN. THE INSIDE 
DOPE ON HOW BOOTLEGGED-BAG SCAMS WORK AND WHAT'S 
BEING DONE ABOUT THEM—BY PETER S. GREENBERG. PLUS: 
“THE BOMBAYMENT METHOD"-—ONLY FIVE PEOPLE IN THE 
WORLD KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO THOSE "LOST" BAGS BACK 
IN 1958. REG POTTERTON IS ONE OF THEM 

“PLAYBOY’S PRO FOOTBALL PREVIEW'—GENTLEMEN, 
PLACE YOUR BETS. OUR PEERLESS PROGNOSTICATOR LAYS HIS 
REPUTATION ON THE LINE ONE MORE TIME—BY ANSON MOUNT 
“20 QUESTIONS: LOUIS RUKEYSER"—THE WITTY HOST OF 
WALL STREET WEEK OFFERS SOME UNVARNISHED INSIGHTS ON 
THE STOCK MARKET AND OTHER MYSTERIES 


1981 AL. REYNOLDS TOBACCO COMPANY 


Where a man belongs. 


> 


SES И j 
- , - 
E -— Aw 

- 5 " 


LOW Sr 2 рала 
ce Camel Lights = HES : 


Low tar. Camtel-taste>. -— э 
x ль E И Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined 8 
» اا‎ That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health. — uis 
* 
` - bu t 


B mg. “таг”, 0.8 mg. nicotine av. per cigarette by ЕТС metho dg 
en E ag 


LOOK ATIT THIS WAY: 
Who worked harder than you today? 


Pour yourself a Pinch more taste. 


Pinch 12 year old Scotch 


INARY TASTE BY HAIG G HAIG