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zi Te Taste the gin, too.

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"Al. ^. "Gilbey'S Gin is madê with 5 unique leai in mind.
CA (The taste'of the ginis important and should not be hidden
مډ‎ e ithe mixer. So when you drink a Gilbey’s Gin & Tonic,

you Il'taste the gin, too.

"AVAILABLE ON CERTAIN MODELS.

You know that sinking feeling that can
come over you when you stop on a hill
With a standard shift automobile?

Well, now, in a Subaru, you don't
have to hold your breath. With an. >
exclusive Subaru feature called Hill-
Holder, your car won't roll backwards.

Just depress the clutch and
brake, and the Hill-Holder automati-
cally éngages.

When your foot is removed from
the brake, the car will not roll back-
ward. еу

In fact, it will remain motienless
until the clutch is released and the
accelerator depressed to proceed up
the hill.

No drifting back, No white
knuckles. No sweat. You no longer go
downhill on your way uphill.

SUBARU.

AND BUILT
TO STAY THAT WAY.

©) SUBARU OF AMERICA, INC

TAGS zem

Objective: Develop a traction block radial
^fread'design thathelps reduce

hydroplaning and maintains
European-style handling qualities.

The Mark T/A™ tire has
excellent wet handling
characteristics because its low- -
tubber-to-void ratio and
independent tread blocks with
transverse grooves squeeze
water out fo help reduce

hydroplaning.

RN RV" ИМ ANSP zw QV.

BFGoodrich

Dual compound tread offers
the benefit of cool-running tires
with excellent wear
characteristics. Dependability
is so exceptional BFGoodrich

offers free replacement

\
\ 2
warranty coverage for
The Mark T/A radial's flat Шемс. Every Radial T/A utilizes state-
tread radius keeps the tread of-the-art technology to meet
rubber in contact with the road > the driving requirements of a
suríace during transient P d particular vehicle type.
conditions, high traction tread í Whether you drive a sports car,
compound further enhances light truck, import, or a sedan,
there's a Radial T/A designed
for you. T/A® High Tech"
radials. Tuly, the
State of the Art.

dry handling.

191981. BFGOODRICH CO.

PLAYBOY

==
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SONY TAPE. FULL COLOR SOUND.

Theres more to Full Color Sound than — What makes Sony audio tape so spe each other, for a recording as ¢
is balance. The fine tuning of all th perfect as is humanly E леси
псе and tech- trical and mee l elements to match. possible.

1 that has made Sony а ‘The more sophisticated your equip-

leader in its field. Sony produces both Las

high fidelity tinko sind video lape and p
the high quality equipment that plays il. f m"
In fact, Sony pioneered magnetic tape EH ч

z 90

re you'll appreciate Sony

quality audio tape.
Try Sony SHF (normal bias). EHF
(high bias), FeCr or Metallic

Listen to the balance. ИЗ the secret

of Full Color Sound. S ON Y.

and has been produci

g tape
quipment for over 30 years.

PLAYBILL

FOR SOME, summer is a warm blur and а beer cooler, a good
magazine to read at the beach. This one, of course. If you
can tear your eyes away from that blonde in the string bikini,
we have an issue for you. Associate Editor John Rezek has engi-
neered, for the second year in a row, our Summer Sex
Issue, which includes an incredible pictorial ode to gi
watching, games, a tour of the national monuments of out-
door sex and a New Wave comic strip—Frankie and Annette
go punk.

For the summer insiders, we have a fantastic fiction offer-
ing. We arc pleased to give you the first look at Thomos
Berger's Reinhart's Women, the fourth volume in the series
that began with Crazy in Berlin, followed by Reinhart in
Love and Vital Parts. The excerpt (illustrated by Kinuke y, BERGER
Graft) is part of a novel that will be published this fall by
Seymour Lawrence-Delacorte. Humorist Jean Shepherd returns
to PLAYBOY after eight years with A Fistful of Fig Newtons
(illustrated by Gordon Kibbee). Ihe story is about a confronta-
tion between a scholar and a Big Ten tackle; the choice of
weapons, chocolate laxatives at ten paces.

Which brings us to the subject of Inside the New Right
War Machine. Better enjoy yourselt today, because tomorrow
it may not be allowed. We sent Contributing Editor Peter Ross
Range into the vipers’ nest for an eyewitness account of the
new conservative hierarchy. Range, who was once Time cor-
respondent in Berlin, filed this report: "Talking to the New
Right was sometimes like talking to the Communist leaders
in East Berlin. They don't talk back. Some refuse to grant
terviews or allow questions. They still practice the para-
noiac’s ancient rite of trying to kill the message by attacking
the messenger. Richard Viguerie, direct-mail wizard of the con-

servative movement, announced over the phone his ‘long-

standing policy of not talking to pornographic magazines.’
James McClellan, a staff director for Senator John East, Repub-
lican of North Carolina, denounced me as ‘morally offensive.’ ”
We asked Edward Roeder, опе of Washington's top investiga-
tive reporters, to designate the Government's most repressive
leaders. Roeder has just completed PACs Americana, a direc-
tory of political-action committees that will allow citizens to
figure out just what the political and economic interests are
behind their elected officials.
Don't get us wrong. Some of our best friends are Repub-
li Business Manager Michael Laurence got his start in
magazines as the managing editor of Advance—a periodical
for liberal progressive Republicans, all five of them. His
partner and classmate at Phillips Exeter, George Gilder, is now
President Reagan's behind-the-scenes financial advisor. We re-
united Laurence and Gilder for a candid Playboy Interview.
Enough of the serious stuff. What is summer without sex 3
symbols? We sent photographer Stan Malinowski to shoot and j
|

Robert McGarvey to talk to actress Valerie Perrine, and Robert Crane
to interview the in|

able Joan Rivers: two very outspoken
О PASCHKE

A wise sage said that there are only four things we can
count on—death, taxes, Anson Mounts pro-football forecast
and lost luggage. Our favorite prognosticator picks the teams
and players to watch (with visual aid from artist Ed Paschke).
Peter S. Greenberg tries to explain how the airline baggage han-
dlers make life miserable in The Vanishing-Suitcase Caper.
Missing luggage is all too often the work of thieves, but in
опе case, documented by Reg Potterton in The Bombayment
Method, it is the work of inspired lunatics. Reg is currently
secking employment as baggage handler on the space shuttle.
(Bet those guys didn't have any problems with their bags.)

So sit back. Enjoy. Turn ovcr. You've already had enough

Я га ы
sun on that side. CRANE LAURENCE

PLAYBOY (185 0032-1478), AUGUST. 1901. VOL. 28, но. в. FUOLISHED MONTHLY BY PLAYBOY IN NATIONAL AND REGIONAL EDITIONS, PLAYHOY BLOC., этэ M. MICHIGAN AVE, CHGO.. HL. WEIT
IND-CLASS POSTAGE PAID AT CHGO., ILL., B AT ADOL, MAILING OFFICES. SUBS-: IN THE U. S., S18 FOR 12 ISSUES. POSTMASTER: SEND FORM 337» TO PLAYAOT, P'O- BOR 2420, BOULDER, COLO. бозо.

PLAYBOY

vol. 28, no. 8—august, 1981 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE
GEI adunco o E ыл ызы, е чар Мы det Shoes 5
THE WORLD OF PLAYBOY 8 n
DEARPLAYBOY = co cogdau bam E CLE LLL 65 15
PLAYBOY VIEWPOINT: BY SEX POSSESSED ........ CHRISTIE HEFNER 20
PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS 25
BOOKS .. 30

Stephen King's latest horror tale lacks bite; Sugar Ray bio packs few punches.

MOVIES ..
Seasons: a timely transition for Alda; Blake ("10") Edwards’ S.O.B. looks like
the year's best comedy; Elvis docudrama's a labor of love.

IMUSIC И Ке у зл ТОК TR C LO.
Springsteen band's Miami Steve reviews the new Gary U. S. Bonds LP; Man-
hattan’s Lounge Lizards take a national leap.

COMINGTATTRACTIONS E оо ote Ke BRETT TRUE 50
George C. Scott snares rights for Patton sequel; Pennies pairs Martin and Peters
in а sizzling Thirties musical-drama.

THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR ЕЕЗ E 53
ITHEJPFAYBOYSEORUM UTC CE ЕСЕ 57
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: GEORGE GILDER—candid conversation ...... 69

Hailed as the new right's emerging savant, economist George Gilder gained
notoriety with his procapitalism Wealth and Poverty, whose denunciation of
welfare and the women's movement earned him the admiration of the Reagan
Administration and the hatred of liberals and feminists. With his characteristic
wit and aplomb, Gilder discusses his controversial philosophies.

INSIDE THE NEW RIGHT WAR MACHINE—article . . PETER ROSS RANGE 98
Fueled by last year's sweeping defeat of liberal Democrats, the new right
guard—directed from Capitol Hill by Senator Jesse Helms—is shifting its moral
search-and-destroy mission into high gear. Our Washington-based correspond-
ent provides a frighteningly vivid blueprint of the right-wing political machine.

Z FREEDOM FIGHTERS—article ............... EDWARD ROEDER 100
Fine Perrine The most repressive leaders in Congress and how they stack up on the issues.
ISUUMMER-H Ag CELEBRATION mre ЕСЕТ 103

It's here, get into it, A guide to the s season's hottest entertainment: a pictorial
ode to mans favorite spectator sport; Blo-Bowl and other boflo games;
Frankie and Annette's New Wave beach party; sex outdoors; celebrity sum-
mers and more.

REINHART'S WOMEN— fiction .................. THOMAS BERGER 118

In this excerpt from Berger's latest novel, Carlo Reinhart exhibits a weakness
Ё for gourmet food and splendid women—and а dangerous tendency to over-
lost Luggoge . indulge in both.

GENERAL OFFICES: PLAYBOY BUILDING, 919 NORTH MICHIGAN AVE, CHICAGO, ILLINOIS сеп. RETURN POSTAGE MUST ACCOMPANY ALL MANUSCRIPTS. DRAWINGS AND PHOTOGRAPHS SUBMITTED

TF THEY ANE TO BE RETURNED AND NO RESPONSIBILITY CAM DE ASSUMED FOR UNSOLICITED MATERIALS. ALL RIGHTS IM LETTERS SENT TO FLATEOY WILL BE TREATED AS/UNCONDITIONALLY ASSIGNED

FOR PUBLICATION AND COPYRIGHT PURPOSES AND AS SUBJECT то PLAYBOY'S UNRESTRICTED RIGHT TO EDIT AND TO COMMENT EOITOIALLY. CONTENTS соғутчент

RIGHTS RESERVED. PLAYBOY AND RABBIT NEAD SYMBOL ARE MARKS OF PLAYBOY. REGISTERED U.S. PATENT OFFICE, MARCA REGISTRADA, MARQUE DEFOSEE. NOTHING MAY BE REPRINTED IN WHOLE
LARIYY BETWEEN THE PEOPLE AND PLACES IN THE FICTION AND SEMIFICTIOR үн THIS MAGAZINE AND ANY REAL

hp tS. Via. (27. 128 129. 130: COLUMBIA PICTURES. P. 30; ALAN DAVIDSON, P. 11; ALDERT DIAZ, P. Itz

COVER STORY
The flashing lady on the cover is definitely no Superman. It's Valerie Perrine, superstar,
who's appearing in the upcoming Superman II. Check out PLAYBOY 's exclusive shots of the
super Miss Perrine on page 152 and see why she attracts audiences faster than a
speeding bullet. Executive Art Director Tom Staebler designed and photographed the
cover. And if you can't find the Rabbit Head this month, guys, better borrow Valerie's specs.

THE SPARKY LYLE. . .. AND
OTHER GREAT RELIEF PITCHERS—drink ...... EMANUEL GREENBERG 121
Beat the heot with pitchers of these refreshing grand-slam coolers.

LE ROY NEIMAN SKETCHBOOK—pictorial ...................... 123
BEAUTY AND THE BEACH—playboy’s playmate of the month ....... 124
Sea-loving Debbie Boostrom left Florida in a van, destination unknown; it's no
surprise she ended up in California.
PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES—humor.... S. ae a E EE 5000 136 E
ig Newtons
SPORTINGLIFE —aHire s Е DAVID PLATT 138

ROLL OVER, BEETHOVEN—article ....,....... NORMAN EISENBERG 142
And Ludwig probably would if he were around today. Portable cassette play-
ers are simply everywhere you go—and that's where they should be.

PLAYBOY'S PRO FOOTBALL PREVIEW sports ...... ANSON MOUNT 144

Our annual preview of the N.F.L teams and players who'll be gracing the

gridiron. Relief Pitchers
20 QUESTIONS: JOAN RIVERS e ae суулы л О E 148

One of America’s funniest ladies and most versatile talents discusses Jewish
thighs (hers), the pitfalls of being a comedienne, what tums her on and just
about anything else that pops into her zany head.

A FISTFUL OF FIG NEWTONS—humor ............ JEAN SHEPHERD 150
It began innocently enough as a gentlemen's bet and grew into с manly test
of intestinal fortitude. One of PLAYBOY'S favorite contributors returns from a
long absence with a cheeky new twist on the age-old battle of brains vs. brawn.

VIVA VALERIE!—pictorial =en ye a: акы ЫШ бы с СЕ. es 7152 Prolrorecsst
We pay a call on one of Hollywood's most irrepressible talents and discover
why Miss Perrine is a consummate entertainer.

ENGLISH SAILOR SONGS—tibald classic ........................ 161

THE VANISHING-SUITCASE CAPER—article ..... PETER S. GREENBERG 165
More and more, it seems, there are only two kinds of baggage: carry-on and
lost. Thanks to airline deregulation, smart thieves and even smarter passengers,
the number of missing and mangled bags has reached epidemic proportions.
Our author, a seasoned traveler, takes an in-depth look at who's responsible.

THE BOMBAYMENT METHOD—memoir ...... REG POTTERTON 172
What really happened to those BOAC bags in 1958 is known to only five
people. Potterton is one of them.

PLAYBOY FUNNIES—humor .......... Socata eade onde ans acer 178
PLAYBOY POTPOURRI ..... .
РГАҮВОҮЗРӨТТЕ Н 06

249 == =
Right Guord P. 98

VERSER ENGELMARD, P- б, 333: MICHANO FEGLEY, P. 12, 222; RON FELSING, P. 11; MAY FISHER. P. ¥: ANY FREYTAG, P. 10; MICHAEL GOING, Р, 125 (2), 121 (2); MEHARD KLEIN
(a, 222; tAEDY L. LOAN. P. 4, ат, RODERY MATHEW. т. лв; KERRY MORmIS, P- B (Z), пав, MIB; JONN XEUBAUER. P. 5) PEYER NULL. P. 12, SIMON O tit, P. И n
TEVE SHAPIRO, Р. 50: VERNON L. SMITH, P. 5 (1), 250; КОЮН SPENCER. P. їзє: "SUPERMAN

F436; RERIG FORE. T. S8, 39; тов POST, P. 30, 123. SLUG SIGNOMNO, P. 46; PAUL
VACCARELLO, P. 223, LEN WILLIS. хаз. INSERT: PLAYBOY CLUBS IRTEPNATIONAL CARD BETWEEN P. 243-243.

PLAYBOY

Wolfschmidt
Genuine Vodka
The spirit of the Czar

Life has changed since the days of
the Czar. Yet Wolfschmidt Genuine
Vodka is still made here to the same
supreme standards which elevated
it to special appointment to his
Majesty the Czar and the Imperial
Romanov Court. 2
Wolfschmidt Genuine Vodka.
The spirit of the Czar lives on.

HOLEScH РОН

| crue
а елине =

Product of U.S.A. Distilled from grain|- Wolfschmiát; Relay. Md.

PLAYBOY

HUGH M. HEFNER
edilor and publisher

NAT LEHRMAN associate publisher

ARTHUR KRETGHMER editorial director
ARTHUR PAUL art director

DON GOLD managing editor

GARY COLE photography director
G. BARRY GOLSON executive editor
TOM STAEBLER executive art director

EDITORIAL.
ARTICLES: JAMES MORGAN edilor; FICTION:
ALICE к. TURNER edilor; TERESA GROSON As-
sociale editor; WEST COAST: STEPHEN RAN-
PALL editor; STAFF: WILLIAM J. HELMER,
CRETCHEN МС NEFSE, DAVID STEVENS senior edi.
lors; JAMES R. PETERSEN senior staff writer;
KONERT F. CARR, WALTER LOWE, JR., BARBARA
NELLIS, KATE NOLAN, J. F- O'CONNOR, JOHN
REZEK associate editors; SUSAN MARGOLIS-WIN-
TER. TOM PASSAVANT asociate new yoik edi
tors; SERVICE FEATURES: TOM OWEN modern
living editor; ED WALKER assistant editor;
DAVID PLATT fashion director; MARLA SCHOR
assistant editor; CARTOONS: MICHELLE URRY
editor; COPY: ARLENE NOURAS editor; CAROLYN
BROWNE, JACKIE JOHNSON, MARCY MARCHI
BARI LYNN NASH, CONAN PUTNAM, DAVID TARDY

MARY ZION researchers; CONTRIBUTING EDI-
TORS: ASA BABER, STEPHEN BiRNBAUM (travel),
JOHN BLUMENTHAL, LAWRENCE S. DIETZ, LAU

RENCE GONZALES, LAWRENCE GROBEL, ANSON
MOUNT, PETER ROSS RANGE, RICHARD RHODES,
JOHN SACK, DAVID STANDISH, BRUCE WILLIAM-
SON (movies)

ART

KERIG POPE managing director; LEN WILLIS,
CHEE suski senior directors: BRUCE HANSEN,
BOB OST, SKIP WILLIAMSON associate directors;
THEO KOUYATSOS, JOSEPH PACZEK assistant
directors: BETH КАМЕ senior art assistant;
PEARL MIURA, ANN SEIDL art assistants; SUSAN
HOLMSTROM — (raffic coordinator; BARBARA.
HOFEMAN administrative manager

PHOTOGRAPHY

MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast editor; Jere
COHEN, JAMES LARSON, JANICE MOSES associate
editors; PATTY BEAU , LINDA KENNEY,
MICHAEL ANN SULLIVAN assistant editors;
RICHARD FEGLEY, POMPEO POSAR staf] photog
Tupliers; MILL AXSENAULT, DON AZUMA, MARIO
CASILLL, DAVID CHAN, NICHOLAS DESCIOSE, PHIL-
LIP DIXON, ARNY FREYTAG, DWIGHT HOOKER,
R. SCOTI HOOPER, RICHARD 1201, STAN MALIN-
OWSKI, KEN MARCUS contributing photogra.
phers; VICKL MCCARTY (Los Angeles), JEAN
PIERRE HOLLEY (Paris), LUISA STEWART (Rome)
contributing editors; JAMES Warn color lab
superoiser; KOBERT CRELIUS business manager

PRODUCTION
JOHN MASTRO director; ALLEN VARCO manager;
MARIA MANDIS asst. этдт.; ELEANORE WAGNER,
JODY JURGETO, RICHARD QUAKTAROLE assistants

READER SERVIC
CYNTHIA LACEY-SIKICH manager

CIRCULATION
RICHARD SMITH director; ALVIN WIEMOLD sub-
scription manager

ADVERTISING
HENRY W. MARRS director

ADMINISTRATIVE
MICHAEL LAURENCE business manager; PATRICIA
VAPANGELIS. administrative editor; VAULETTE
слорет rights ё permissions manager; ми.
DRED ZIMMERMAN administrative assistant

PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES, INC.
DERICK J. DANIELS president

A comparison of projections from manufacturers"
treadwear ratings under the new government Uniform Tire Quality
Grading System indicates that on a government-specified course:

Michelin fell a little

short of the Uniroyal Steeler.
About 24,000 miles short.

Clip and take this to your Uniroy

For many people, Michelin has always р" = = "==" = = == шн ше не =
been the yardstick to compare other tires by. | MANUFACTURERS’ RATINGS FOR

But recently, the U.S. Department of в US. GOVERNMENT QUALITY GRADING SYSTEM

Transportation gave the public a standard- r 7 lh,”

ized system. Now, each tire company is

Trealwear

Y Manufacturer/Tire:

required by law to grade its tires in three Ii

areas. Traction. Temperature resistance. I UNIROYAL 220

And treadwear. е: e e
And then to emboss the resulting Я

grades оп the sides of the tires. І e EE B/C | 170
When compared, Michelin's XWW L a

fared somewhat better than Uniroyal’s 1 FIRESTONE | B/C 170°

comparable Steeler in the traction and tem- H 721 03" & М" sizes) 5

perature resistance tests. 1 GENERAL B/C 170
But when it cme to the important : y. Dual Steel II

grade that indicates the relative wear rate о! 25 a

your tire, Michelin’ tire fella little short, p BE GOODRICH | B/C | 170

Life Saver XLM

1 MICHELIN
ХУУ

In fact, when you translate their ratings into
projected miles on the government-specified
test course, you see it was no photo finish.
On that course, the mileage projection 'estone 721 tires rated 200 which projects to 60,000 miles.
for Uniroyal's Steeler is 66,000 miles. 24,000 S 2/19/80.
e Tue em re „Жа afree labeling, please send your name and address to:
miles longer than Michelins rating projects. Û 1 e Advertising Department, Middlebury, Connecticut 06749.
(And, by the way, 15,000 miles longer Inc.
than the projections from the ratings of the
Goodyear, Goodrich, General and most
Firestone tires in the chart.) #2. 4 When TO Coane
These mileage projections (including | you want Uniroyal there.
those in the chart) should be used for com-
parison only. You will probably not achieve
these results. Actual treadlife will vary sub-
stantially due to your driving habits, condi-
tion of vehicle and, in many sections of the
country, road conditions and climate.
See your Uniroyal dealer for details.
You'll see there may be a

new yardstick to compare
UNIROYAL ires by, vi
Uniroyal.

Johnny Rutherford

makes his living

by driving over

200 miles an hour
in a Chaparral that costs
a quarter of a million dol-
lars. Hes won more races
than you can shake a
checkered flag at, in-
cluding three firsts in the
Indy.500.

Out of all the

high performance
cars there are in
E this world, the sports

car he chose was the Volkswagen
Scirocco. How come, J.R.?

"Because the Sciroccos overhead
cam engine and front-wheel drive,
along with excellent aerodynamics
give it speed, performance, and be-

lieve it or not... terrific fuel economy"

(EPA estimated [25]mpg, 40 mpg high-

way estimate. Use “estimated mpg”

for comparison. Mpg varies with speed,
trip length, weather. Actual highway
mpg will probably be less.)

“Whoever engineered this car did
one heck of a job putting the power,
handling, steering, comfort and brak-
ing all in just the right balance.

“Sure there are more powerful sports
cars around but who needs them on
the highway or in downtown Indian-
apolis. My Scirocco is plenty of car for
me. All in all, it's a winner. And that's
important.

“Because nobody ever remembers
who finished second”

JR., we couldn't have said it better
ourselves.

VOLKSWAGEN
DOES IT
AGAIN

THE WORLD OF PLAYBOY

in which we offer an insider's look at what's doing and who's doing it

INTRODUCING OUR NEW MAN ON THE COAST

Stephen Randall, PLAvEoY's new West Coast Editor, is the center of attention
al а Mansion West party held to welcome him. Steve now keeps us up on
what's happening in the land of silk and money. The rest of the line-up, be-
low, from left: Editor-Publisher Hugh Hefner; West Coast Photo Editor Mar-
ilyn Grabowski; Steve's wife, Gail; and Edilorial Director Arthur Kretchmer.

HERE COME THE
COTTONTAILS

No, the Bunnies are not
standard equipment on the
new Mini Metro shown
here. Above, 12 London
Bunnies squeeze into the
Cer, which makes ils daily
rounds among Playboy's
T1 betting shops there. No-
lice the lucky rabbit's feet
on the right. At right, the
custom-painted shuttle with
three life-size Bunnies,

DAN DAR t
Pitot of tha ЕРЕ

PILGRIM'S PROGRESS

Robin Williams, a.k.a. Mork, Popeye and Garp,
is beside himself and Janet Pilgrim at an infor-
mal Mansion West galhering. Three-time Play-
mate Janet debuted as a centerfold in July 1955.

THE ETERNAL B.M.O.C.

Photog David Chan is on campus more than a
beer truck is. He has already covered the Ivy
League, Big Ten, Pac 10 and Southwest con-
ferences for our Girls of . . . series. Above, he
auditions University of Florida coeds for Girls of
the Southeast Conference, a two-part pictorial
due in our September and October issues.

THE WORLD OF PLAYBOY

ENTERTAINMENT
FOR PHIL

In case you were wondering
where musicians find their
inspiration, here's Board-
walk Records rocker Phil
Seymour pondering the won-
ders of our universe (above).

MIXED MARRIAGE:
MONKEE MARRIES
A BUNNY

Ex-Monkee Davy Jones
pointedly introduces his
bride, Anita Pollinger, a for-
mer London Playboy Club
Bunny and public-relations
assistant. Jones and his fel-
low Monkees are the latest
rOCk-n'-roll rage in Japan.

WALTZ ACROSS
TEXAS WITH JEANA

When Texas Country magazine editors heard that
Jeana Tomasino dreamed of owning a Texas ranch,
they couldn't wait to put her on their cover (right),
even though she was bom in Milwaukee. Below,
one of Jeana's November 1980 Playmate shots.

VICKI TELLS THE TRUTH

Will the real Playmate Vicki McCarty please stand up? When Vicki (center) was on To Tell
the Truth, panelists weren't stumped for a minute. Each voted for the actual Vicki, our September
1979 centerfold, who is now PLAvBOY's Los Angeles Contributing Photo Editor. The impostors

Ө!
Еп

PLAYMATE
UPDATE: HAPPY
DAYS FOR
MARTHA SMITH

At left, July 1973 Play-
mate Martha Smith
trades lines with Hen-
ry “The Fonz” Winkler
on a recent rerun of
Happy Days. Marion
(Mrs. Cunningham)
Ross monitors the ac-
tion. In recent months,
Martha has appeared
in other stage and TV
productions, includ-
ing the sitcom Taxi.

P NO RUM REFLECTS Дь
PUERTO RICO
LIKE RONRICO.

Puerto Rico is the Rum Island, the
world's foremost rum-producing
region. And Ronrico is the rum—au-
thentic Puerto Rican rum since 1860.
Ronrico's smooth, light taste has

PUERTO RIC

v HH Bees ЦЕ pnde of six sq of |
‹ Ж пе: ican rum masters. One si
RUM will Е са а
ТШМ! (25.4 FL. 0Z) RONRICO: AUTHENTIC

RUM OF PUERTO RICO.

E
PETERE

EERE:
BOTTLED IN PUERTO RICO

» E
}
Ё

DOROTHY

An article in PLAYBOY has caused me
10 put aside my normal apathy toward
what I read in magazines and extend
my sincere and heartfelt thanks to those
involved in presenting it. I am speal-
ing, of course, of Richard Rhodes's
Dorothy Stratten: Her Story (May). I
wept when I had finished reading, full
of anger and resenunent that someone
had taken life from her, full of sorrow
that so much promise and happiness had
been denied her. Today, I only wish we
had all had the opportunity to know
her, to have our lives brightened by her
for more than just the brief glimpse we
were allowed. To those at PLAYBOY,
thank you for this picture of her life
and, most of all, for the happiness that
you helped Dorothy attain during those
two years. Would that there were more
like you, and like her.

Robert W. Longair
Fort Collins, Colorado

DEAR PLAYBOY

ADDRESS DEAR PLAYBOY
PLAYBOY BUILDING
919 N. MICHIGAN AVE,
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611

I recall driving down the road kı
August and hearing of Dorothy Strat-
ten’s death on the radio and thinking.
How could anyone kill such a beautiful
person? What a waste. After reading
the story of her life in the May issue, I
realize that she was even more beautiful
than she looked.

Gary L. Krueger
Sleepy Eye, Minnesota

I haven't written a thank-you letter
to a magazine in all of my 64 years—but
1 want to thank you for the beautiful,
if tragic, article.

Ethel Buck
South Lake Tahoe, California

For those of us who were not fortunate
enough to have known her, I would like
to express my deepest gratitude to
PLAyboy, to writer Richard Rhodes and
to all those involved in bringing us
the real story of Dorothy Stratten,

Steve Lindsey
Houston, Texas

Your fine article on the life and tragic
death of Dorothy Stratten raises the
haunting specter of violence, domestic
and otherwise, that daily grows and
threatens the fabric of our free socicty.
Dorothy's untimely end, as well as that
of John Lennon barely four months
later, should open the eyes of legislators
from sea to shining sca. But it won't.
The profirearms adage lifted from
Shane, so dear to the heart of Reagan,
that patiently explains that a gun is a
tool, as good or as bad as the man using
it, will not return Dorothy Stratten to
life, nor will it enable a reborn John
Lennon to return to his wife and son.
It won't bring back the nameless victim
shot two blocks from my apartment last
month. It will allow some jealous, es-
tranged idiot to shoot his wife next
week becuse he could not own her, or

OO
PLAYBOY, (ISSN 0052-1478), AUGUST, 1981, VOLUME 28, NUMBER 8. PUBLISHED MONTHLY BY PLAYBOY, PLAYBOY BLDG., этэ н. MIHI.
GAM AVE., CHICAGO, ILL. 60611. SUBSCRIPTIONS: IN THE UNITED STATES AND ITS POSSESSIONS, $48 FOR 24 ISSUES, $24 FOR 24
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some creep to kill a gifted musician be-
cause he could not be h or some
punk to end a life on a late-night side-
walk just to see how it feels. Patience
and the realization we can't have every-
thing we want at the snap of a trigger
finger must enter the American con-
sciousness.

Eric Barker
Los Angeles, California

My life has been touched profoundly
by the Dorothy Stratten story іп your
May issue. [ never met Dorothy, yet by
reading your account of her life and
death, I feel I have acquired and lost a
dear friend. Just as I began to feel I
really knew her, her beauty and vivacity
were snatched away by a senseless act
of violence. I cried as I read of the
occurrence and aftermath of this trag-
сау. I have subscribed continuously for
17 years, and have always held the
Playmates as unreachable goddesses who
t only on the pages of praynoy. I
will no longer do that. Thank you for
making Dorothy so very real to me.
Thank you most of all. Hef, for being
so human and sensitive and for being
a friend and father to my friend. I no-
tice that I haven't allowed you to be
to me, either: Welcome to my

Robert B. Aker
San Jose, California

T was des
Dorothy St
beautiful a young woma
in such a brutal, ugly manner. But 1
think the biggest wagedy of all is that
there will always be men like Paul
Snider . .. and vulnerable young wom
en who will unwittingly fall into their
clutches, for one reason or another.

Linda M. Dalton
Port Richey, Florida

Your article on the life and death of
Dorothy Stranen is certainly the most
moving piece of biography I have ever
1. Richard Rhodes did a superb job
п objectively yet ately telling the
story of this exquisite and cherished
woman. I suppose it is the giveand-take
of lile—the joy and sorrow, love and
hate—tha kes life worth living. For
every Dorothy Stratten who walks
light on this earth, there must
be a Paul Snider in the sl
every creature of di
there will always be those who are un-
able to tola her beauty or dreams
because they cannot find such qualities
in themselves.

Richard Ivey
‘Tucson, Arizona

Dorothy Stratten's story has made an
everlasting impression on me. The lady
haunts me. 1 find myself thinking of
her at work, at home, wherever I hap-

pen to be. After reading the story, I
found myself going back through all my
old issues of PLAYBOY . . . looking at the
ones featuring Dorothy. She went from
a pretty girl in the January 1979 issue
to a lovely, classy lady in the June 1980
issue. If I had picked up a paperback
book in a store and read about Dorothy's
life, I would have called it too bizarre,
too strange to be true. But, unfortunate-
ly, it is all too true, We have lost a
beautiful, warm and magical person
who will stay wi i ry for a
lifetime. But somehow that
can't erase the pain of knowing that a
hne lady was killed before she ever
really lived. You haunt me, Dorothy,
and I never really knew you. But I
know I'll never forget you. Mr. Hefner,
I thank you for making her last months
happy ones, for making a poor little
girl's dream come true. And thanks,
rLAYBOY, for the most touching story
Ihave ever read.

L. A. Duncan
Kentontown, Kentucky

DIABOLUS EX MACHINA

Bravo! Having just read A Guerrilla
Guide to the Computer Revolution, by
Robert E. Garr, in your May issue, I
now see why ] quit my job tw
ago to return to school to learn all
about computers. Carr's article should
be required reading material for all
new students in the field. Thanks for
the reaffirmation of my career choice.
hard F. Jones
Tucson, Arizona

Re Robert E. Carr's fine article: I can
sympathize with his feelings of disgust
toward a computer game that doesn't
care if it loses. When playing Atari back-
gammon, I insist on playing with stakes
of at least "two bytes." "Take that,
computer!

Dan Bares
Olympia, Washington

BALKAN BEAUTIES
Great work on Girls of the Adriatic
Coast in the May issue! Having traveled
extensively in Yugoslavia, I can really
appreciate the outstanding photography
of Pompeo Posar. He captured the true
beauty of both the Yugoslavian women
and the land along the coast.
iny R. Middings
an Ramon, Ca

The pictorial essay Girls of the Adri-
ast is fantastic. I would miss the
Herzegovina turnoff any time for
Slavic sensuality.

Janet HL
Fort Bliss, Texas

to compliment Pompeo
Posar for his splendid photography of
the Girls of the Adriatic Coast. It’s a

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PLAYBOY

ide of the old country I haven't had
a chance to see before. It makes me
wonder why I moved from Zadar. Now
I want to go backl

Zoran Skrlec
Houston, Te

аз

We notice a particularly gorgeous
female in your pictorial Girls of the
Adriatic Coast, We are also impressed
by her intelligence, as it seems she is a
law student. And we can't help but no-
tice her taste in clothing. Her name is
Mirjana Vulic Since we are interested
in political science and in foreign lan-
guages, we're wondering if you would
send her to our dorm room, Our parents
will be visiting us on the 15th of Sep-
tember, but any other time is fine.

Charles Field
Bob Connifey
Virginia Tech
Blacksburg, Virginia

SCIENTIST AND PSYCHIC

Thanks for the informative May inter-
view with Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. I have
had no outol-body experiences, contact
with spirit guides or other "heavy" mys-
tical experiences. I know people who say
they have. Some I believe, some I do not.
But for me, the number of such reports
throughout history lends credence to the
whole subject. Because those records are
usually fantastic, however, and because
mundane scientifi
ble to spiritual phenomena, skepticism
is easy and common—as is charlatan-
ism. From the litle I know about
KüblerRoss and feeling her integrity
come through in the Playboy Interview,
I believe her recounting of strange
events is not fabrication, even if it is
not fact. Throughout history, those mal
ing claims such as hers have almost al-

ways suffered ridicule and worse. Before
Christ was crucified—partly for his
teachings about the afterlife—he was

accused by Pharisees of being a cohort of
Beelzebub. Earlier, his family wied to
dissuade him from his mission, con-
vinced he was crazy. Like Kübler-Ross,
we should keep our minds open. Wh
ever phenomena are reported—spirit
guides, healing, moon walks—the fact
that we have not been there does not
make them false.

Three Rivers, California

Your interview with Elisabeth Kübler-

Ross is downright depressing. 1 am re-
minded of another interview—|
Anita Bryant, some years back.

both cases, the baring of such severe
emotional hurts (only superficially di:
guised by childlike beliefs in “spirit
guides” or a heaven paved with gold) is
painful to behold. Kübler-Ross looks
forward to that separation of spirit and
body alter which she will “finally be
taken care of and pampered.” Anita's

heaven is one in which she will do only
what she wants to do, sing only when she
wants to sing. The tragedy is doubled
when this wishing for lollipop rewards
at the end of a good little girl's life be-
longs to such a well-educated, intelligent
woman as Kübler-|

Brian R. Schuck

San Francisco, California

GLITTERING GOLDBERG

Your May Playmate, Gina Goldberg,

was a welcome surprise to me. At last,
a Finnish girl in eLAvnov!

Mika Kujanpaa

Turku, Finland

Gina Goldberg took our breath away
and drove us to our knees! Her charm,
poise and class just radiate from the
page. Just one more look at her—please!
The Men of Delta Sigma Phi
Georgia Tech University
Atlanta, Georgia

It sounds like Gina delta devastating

blow to your fraternity. We hope grant-
ing your request will help make amend

TRUMPETING GABRIELLA
The pictorial of Gabriella Bru

(World Glass, PLAYBOY, Мау) is a beauty
pageant in itself, We're wondering where
we can get tickets for a personal “world
tour.” We surely would enjoy spending
80 days or so with Gabriella.

Eighth Floor South

Palmer Hall

Ball State University

Muncie, Indiana

My kingdom for a poster of your May
cover with Gabriella Brum. Fantastic!
Kenneth Martin

Millsboro, Delaware

Congrats on a doubly good May issuel
Gabriella Brum is beyond any doubt,
the most heartstopping lady to grace

your pages in years. I may have to quit
work for about a month to recover from.
the excitement.

Gene Mage

New Orleans, Louisiana

STELLAR SPECULATIONS
I was delighted to see you pick up my
Star Wars theory in The Year in Movies
(May). George Lucas’ original reference
to cloning came out of Princess Leia’s
recording in R2-D?'s memory banks:
“Years ago, General, you served the Old
Republic in the Clone Wars. . . ." That
conflict forms the basis for the next
Star Wars trilogy, episodes one through
three, in which Vader and the Emperor
destroy the Jedi Knights, an ancient x
ious order that protected law and or-
der in the galaxy. Why call them the
Clone Wars unless the major partici-
pants are clones? By the way, Old Ben
Kenobi's name isn't ОВ-1 but OBE
Bill Hays
Lansing. Michigan
OB fair, Bill—we got most of your
theory right!

RABBIT STEW

The May Playboy Potpourri is among
your masterpieces! I am forced either
to understand it as а form of collage
art or to sec a psychologist. Here you
have Apple of the Earth offering a
mind-bending ad reproduction of Ron-
ald Reagan endor: and
you place the man occup:
most powerful office on
top of the Nuclear Crazies’ new product,
one's very own pet nuke! S-CA-R-Y! So
what do we find beneath Reagan and
pet nukes? Yup, personal puzzles from
Custom Crosswords. Come on, the whole
world is a puzzle, not to say in a slew.
And the original meaning of potpour-

ri is "a stew." Not only scary but
W-ORRISOM-E! And so, next to
Reagan, on top of the pet nuke, over

the puzzle, what have you? Perfect! An
offer from the Acme Worry Service to
take on our worries. Boy, are they taking
on a job! And beneath the A.W.S. offer,
a traditional response to stress, "
кзн,” with an electronic fish
from Miya Epoch. All of this is not to
mention the facing page, composed of
Hip Hoklsters, Liars Poker, Ameri
corkscrews and a Mount Hel
video cassette. And Reagan's comme:
are often shot from the hip, less tl
veridical, screwing someone and explo-
ive! Well, Mount St. Helens is just up
the road from here, so I've had enough
blowups recently. But I am going to take
a bite of the Apple and order some
Reagan ads, consider nuclear pets, puz-
zle over the world's condition, send
some worries to A-W.S. and go fishin’!
(Name withheld by request)
Pendleton, Oregon

IMPORTED

BY VAN MUNCHING & CO. IV
Sg NEW YORK. NY. a

ERVE дт 45-99

4 “Come to think of it,
"EI. ГІ have a Heineken?

Playboy Viewpoint

BY SEX POSSESSED

an informed reviewer considers "take back the night:
women on pornography" and finds it less than logical

For ils January 1981 issue, Inquiry,
a San Francisco-based journal of con-
temporary news and comment, asked
Christie Hefner to review “Take Back
the Night: Women on Pornography,”
a collection of feminist essays edited
by Laura Lederer. Christie's review
turned out to be a thoughtful analysis
of the emotionalism and dogma that
permeate the antiporn movement,
which itself has led to a curious alli-
ance between some women's groups
and their own worst enemy, the new
moral right. We've published articles,
interviews and commentary on these
subjects in the past (February, October
and November, 1980), but Christie's
observations go beyond previously
Stated arguments, She perceptively ex-
amines the tendency to equate por-
nography with pornographic violence
and to confuse the two, simplistically
relating both of them to rape. With
thanks to Inquiry for permission, we
reprint the review here.

In September 1977, I received a
letter from a woman named Laura
Lederer, a founding member of a
year-old org: jon called Women
Against Violence in Pornography and
Media. She was requesting a grant
from the Playboy Foundation, of
which I am a director, to support her
organization's efforts toward “decreas-
ing the number of violent crimes
against women . . . by removing vio-
lent images of women in the media
She explained that she was asking the
yboy Foundation for help because
PLAYBOY magazine has always been in
the front lines of the battle against this
country's social problems. ... PLAYBOY
has always been interested in healthy,
happy relations between the sexes.”
The five-person foundation board vot-
ed against funding W.A.V.P.M. because
of our concern that the stated goals of
the organization implied a rel
less on voluntarism and persuasion
than on state censorship.

Now Laura Lederer has edited a
book entitled Take Back the Night:
Women on Pornography. It is a col-
lection of essays (including some by
well-known feminists like Gloria Stein-
em, Susan Brownmiller, Robin Mor-
gan and Andrea Dworkin) that reflect
a variety of concerns in the area of
pornography. These include "Child

By CHRISTIE HEFNER

Pornography,” "Racism in Pornogr:
phy and the Women's Movement,
"Lesbianism and Erotica in Porno-
graphic America" and “Why So-Called
Radical Men Love and Need Pornog-
raphy.

The book as a whole, however,
reflects a strong and singular feeling
about pornography. It is dedicated “to
the thousands of women in this country
and abroad who recognize the hateful-
ness and harmfulness of pornography
and who are organizing to stop it now.”

Somehow, during the past three
years, “women against violence” has
become “women against pornography.
Some feminists have been so shocked,
frightened and disgusted by the vio-
lence in some pornography that they
have concluded that pornography it-
self is the enemy. Although a few co
tributors to the volume try to justify.
this transformation by arguing that
violence is one of the defining char-
acteristics of a pornographic worl
most of the authors here are just as
ikely to condemn nonviolent pornog-
raphy. In 1977, Laura Lederer credited
PLAYBOY with being "interested
healthy, happy relations between the
sexes." Now she has edited a book in
which "the Playboy ethic" is called “a
threat to our very lives as human and
humane bein;

Condemning violence against women
is easy. The number of reported rapes is
increasi alarmingly. Whether this
is because the feminist movement
has encouraged women to step forward
and pr es, or because these
crimes actually are on the rise, the new
awareness of violence toward women
has created an atmosphere of fear. The
title Take Back the Night indicates
the emotionalism surrounding the is-
sue; Women feel more and more
frightened of being alone in the streets,
especially after dark. “Take back the
night” has become the slogan of wom-
en seeking to reclaim territory for
themselves and dispel those fears.

Condemning violent images has be-
come almost as popular as condemning
violence. Commenting on the media's
obsession with violence has turned into
a set piece for pop critics. But the
essays in T.D.T.N. are not aimed pri-
marily at violence or sadism. Rather,
their target is pornography—which

chai

may or may not be violent, may or
may not be sadistic, and which above
all means very different things to dif-
ferent people.

The inability to define pornography
is the fundamental problem that re-
mains unresolved in the essays in
T.B.T.N. One contributor, Robin Yea-
mans, writes that "pornography is any
use of the media which equates sex
and violence." "That's a clear enough
definition, but most of the other con-
tributors don't accept it. In the open-
ing chapter, Lederer states that “not all
pornography is violent, but even the
most banal pornography objectifies
women’s bodies.” This criterion of “ob-
jectification,” however, is so broad that
it seems to encompass, for example,
virtually all fashion photograph:

Dr. Diana Russell's definition of
pornography would probably be accept-
ed by most of the other authors: “Por-
nography is explicit representations of
sexual behavior, verbal or pictori
that have as a distinguishing charac-
teristic the degrading or demeaning
portrayal of human beings, especially
women.” Although this definition pre-

sumably allows for sexually explicit
representations that are not degra

ding
or demeaning (images which most con-
tribui to this volume would call
“erotica”), the basic problem of who
decides what is degrading and demean-
ing persists. As feminist Deirdre Eng-
lish pointed out in an article in Mother
Jones not reprinted in T.B.T.N.:
"Degradation, after all, is highly sub-
jective. As for the line between por-
nography and erotica, it is hopelessly
blurred. . . . For example, what would
feminists have thought about The Din-
ner Party by Judy Chicago if it had
been created by a man—honoring 39
great women in history by making din-
ner plates of their vaginas?

The failure to be honest about the
fact that differences of opinion exist—
among feminists as in the general
population—as to what is porno-
phic and what is merely erotic gives
T.B.T.N. a heavily dogmatic tone.
dictum by feminist activist Charlotte
Bunch points up the intellectual е
siveness that permeates the book: "We
don't all like or respond to the same
things sexually, but we do all know the
between eroticism, which

celebrates our sexuality, and pornogra-
phy, which degrades us.”

In reading these essays, you get the

strong message that if you don't agree
with what some of the authors con-
demn as pornography, then you've ob-
viously been co-opted by the enemy
and therefore your views are at least
suspect. Dr. Judith Bat-Ada states un-
equivocally that “healthy, self-respect-
ing females do not want to sce PLAYROY,
Penthouse or any other pornographic
magazines in drugstores, grocery stores
and markets.” What does that make
the nearly 5,000,000 women who actual-
ly read PLAYBOY?
Not surprisingly, much of the out-
side support for the feminist campaign
against pornography comes from bitter
antifeminists. Despite efforts to distin-
guish the feminist antipornography
perspective from the conservative ап!
pornography perspective, the newly
powerful new right is all too happy to
join forces this crusade. The con-
servatives never marched against vio-
lence, but they're certainly ready to
march against “immorality,” especially
sex without benefit of clergy—which
their view constitutes pornography.
And feminists who've stopped focusing
on the violence in pornography and
elsewhere are fighting against the same
sexual images as the conservatives.

Some feminists seem actually eager
to make use of the political, and even
intellectual, support of conservatives.
In a section of the book entitled "Por-
nography and the First Amendment,"
Susan Brownmiller cites Chief Justice
Warren Burger's view on obscenity to
justify her contention that not all
images and ideas are worthy of con-
stitutional protection, Putting aside the
point that Brownmiller would scarcely
want to live by the Chief Justice's views
on other subjects (such as abortion),
this drawing on conservatives for sup-
port is a highly dangerous game. As
Gloria Steinem points out her
T.B.T.N. essay, “Erotica and Pornog-
raphy: A Clear and Present Difference,"
"Rightwing groups are not only de-
nouncing prochoice abortion literature
as pornographic, but are trying to stop
the sending of all contraceptive in-
formation through the mails by invok-
ing the obscenity laws. In fact, Phyllis
Schlafly recently denounced the entire
women's movement as ‘obscene.’ "

Pornography, like all forms of ex-
pression, reflects the values of the
society in which it is created. Conse-
quently, a lot of. pornography reflects
the power inequities that are a real
part of the lives of women and men.
Some pornography is also violent,
although as against the claims in
T.B.T.N., Dr. Joseph Slade, who mon-
Ors pornographic films for the Kinsey
Institute, estimates that only eight to
12 percent of the films produ

ing the past decade are violent in
content.

Then what of the connection be-
tween pornography and violent crime?
The contributors to T.B.T.N. general-
ly ignore or dismiss the research that
has been done in the United States, the
United Kingdom and Denmark, which
overwhelmingly concludes that no sta-
tistical, let alone causal, relationship
exists between pornography and crim-
inal acts. On those occasions when they
do deal with the evidence, the treat-
ment borders on the cavalier. Dr.
Michael Goldstein, for instance, has
studied convicted rapists and heavy

pornography users and concluded that
“rapists had no greater likelihood of
ng material combining sex-

encounter
uality and aggression than the controls,
so the idea for the aggressive sexual
act docs not appear to derive from por-
nography." Dr. Pauline Bart and Mar-
garet Jozsa reject his conclusions, in an
essay entitled “Dirty Books, Dirty Films
and Dirty Data,” on the basis that “the
assumption that the control group does

ILLUSTRATION BY RON VILLANI

not contain rapists is untenable.”

I agree with the contributors to this
book that the presentation of violence
meant to be sexually stimulating i
offensive and deplorable. In fact, I re-
fused to see Dressed to Kill because the
idea of a woman being sliced up was
so disturbing and offensive to me, But
neyer occurred to me that Brian De
Palma didn't have the right to make
that film, so I believe that pornogra-
phers who make use of violence in
their business should be condemned,
but not outlawed. It is simply not true
that, as Florence Rush says in comment-
ing on the cases where pornography
has been discovered in the possession
of a rapist or murderer, “the step from
pornographic fantasy to acting out the
fantasy as real-life experience is negli-
gible.

Were that so, we might be forced to
conclude that women who fantasize
about being raped (and research by
Masters and Johnson, among others,
indicates that many women do) were
really “asking for it.” But as Dr. Diana

PLAYBOY

Russell is very careful to state: "It can-
not be overstressed that ing volun-
tary fantasies of being raped and
wanting to be raped in actuality are two
entirely different things.

I agree. But I believe that having fa
tasics of rape and committing rape аге
also two entirely different things. As the
British Committee on Obscenity and
Film Censorship concluded: “The cases
in which a link between pornography
and crime has even been suggested are
remarkably few.” The basic response to
these results by the contributors to Take
Back the Night is that, in the words of
feminist author Kathleen Barry. “It is
costly for us to be diverted to false issues
like freedom of speech or busy work
(such as trying to prove through research
what we already know through common
sensc)."

Although there is a great deal of gen-
uine and affecting pain—and anger—in
T.B.T.N., the sad truth is that there
isn't nearly enough common sensc. Nor
is this book an accurate reflection of the
diversity of feminist thought on the issuc
of pornography. Where is Susan Jacoby's
view that "the arguments over pornog-
raphy blur the vital distinction between:
expression of ideas and conduct”?

Where is Ellen Willis, saying, “If
feminists define pornography, per se, as
the enemy, the result will be to make a
lot of women ashamed of their sexual

fcelings and afraid to be honest about
them. And the last thing women need
is more sexual shame, guilt and hypoc-
risy—this time served up as feminism"?
And where are Lindsy Van Gelder's
observations, published in Ms.?

What especially bothered me was
what I perceived to be the frequent.
failure to address the complexities
of sexuality and sexual fantasy. . . . I
know plenty of women who like
porn—including porn themes of
rape and humiliation that have
nothing whatsocver to do with their
real-life sexual behavior or desires.
At best I that the cur-
rent feminist antiporn analysis has
no credibility with such women,
who can legitimately conclude out
of their own experience that porn
is harmless; at worst, 1 fear that be-
ing labeled as brainwashed degen-
crates (by feminists, yet) can push
women right back into the closct of
sexual guilt.

worry

The failure in T.B.T.N. to recognize
the subtleties and complexities of sex-
uality, pornography and violence, cou-
pled with its underlying theme that
"men have a propensity to rape and
beat women," is likely to mean that the
book will preach primarily to those who
are already fervently committed.

‘The issues raised by Lederer and her
associates need to be addressed, but what
the next collection of essays should offer
a positive vision to counter the ugli-
ness and misogyny that are present in
much of today's pornography. Charlotte
Bunch writes that "if we had even one
quarter of the money that goes into
pornography, we could produce some
genuine erotica about lesbian love, por-
traying the real beauty of women and of
women loving women. . . - And I prom-
ise you—there would be a difference."
There can also be a difference in the
portrayal of sex between women and
men. And Bunch should recognize that
the national crusade to restrict hetero-
sexual pornography—violent or other-
wise—is not likely to stop short of
graphic depictions of lesbian love.

I share Deirdre English's belief that
“maybe what we need even more than
women against pornography are wom-
en pornographers—or eroticists, if that
sounds better. Without proscribing the
images that exist, feminist ality
would confront misogyny with new im.
ages.” We don't need a feminist antipor-
nography perspective, so much as more
unconstrained feminist exploration of
what Lederer highlighted in her letter to
the Playboy Foundation: “healthy, hap-
clations between the sexes.”

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PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS

HAVE DUNG, WILL TRAVEL

A rash of thefts from the city zoo led
Canton officials to discover a brisk black-
market trade in tiger dung, which is
being sold as a supereffective dog repel-
lent. Fleeing Chinese buy the excrement
to ward off the ferocious hounds patrol-
ling China's western borders. The hounds
take one whiff of the potent feces, are
paralyzed with fear and abandon the
Smart entrepreneurs offer two
kinds of prized shit: pure and adulter-
ated. The pure type is costlier, they say,
but worth its waste.

A POX ON PICKETEERS
Just to keep you up to date on what
movie is offending whom this year: Fort
Apache—the Bronx irked New York

Hispanics; Charlie Chan and the Curse
of the Dragon Queen angered Chinese-

Americans: and The Final Conflict—
Omen Part III greatly upset a group of
witches. A group of Satanists recently
picketed 20th Century-Fox because the
film shows the Devil being rubbed out
by the forces of good. “The movie shows
him being killed,” says witches’ spokes
person Babeua. “This, of course, cannot
happen. The movie is preaching a lie
and we want the scene removed.” To
help convince studio bigwigs to scissor
the Satan scene, the witches draped a
black cloth over a bus-stop bench, burned
some charcoal and chanted. At last re-
port, The Final Conflict still had the
Devil being bedeviled, but no more pro-
tests have been lodged. Guess the witches
just figured the hell with it.

THE GRADUATE
There's nothing like a good education
to help a fellow get ahead in this world.
Take the case of Harry Halseth, a pris-
oner in a Vacaville, California, jail. To
pass the time, he enrolled in a job-train-
ing program, hoping to become a suc-

cessful electrician. Fast learner Harry
then allegedly sabotaged the prison's
electronic security system one night and
escaped under the cover of darkness.
We're all thankful that he did not sign
up for Nuclear Physics 101.

WHAT PRICE WORDS?

As salesman John Eller was motoring
the boring stretch of Interstate 10 be-
tween Tucson and Phoenix, the maxim
“Money can't buy happiness" occurred
to him. But wait, he thought—what if
moncy could buy HAPPINESS? or suc-
CESS? Or rmiENDSUIP? And if it could,
reasoned Eller, why not be the one to
sell those words?

And so was born The Word Broker.
For eight dollars, The Word Broker will
send you up to three words all your very
own, with a stately certificate of owner-
ship to prove it.

Here's how it works: Let’s say you
want to own THE мокір. You send in
your money and in return receive a docu

ment stating you own THE wortp. A few
months later, someone else requesis THE
моки. The Word Broker gets in touch
with you and asks if you'd be willing to
sell тн worLp for, say, 15 bucks. If you
are, a new certificate is issued to the new
owner, The Word Broker takes 20 per-
cent off the top and $12 is sent on to
you. Your original eight-dollar invest-
ment in THE woRLD has returned a 50
percent profit!

“It's a way of owning something you
might never be able to afford,” Eller
explains. “Like Los ANGELES Or а ROLLS-
Royer.” He calls the brokerage "a Pet
Rock type of idea."

Among the words purchased so far
PUNK, SEX, SUCCESS, K-PASTA, 1 LOVE YOU,
COKE and в Jumno mps. No fooling.

YOU LIGHT UP MY LIFE

Emergencyroom physicians in San
Francisco were having a difficult time
treating some of the more adventuresome
gays in the community. Scems the custom
of inserting solid objects, such as golf
balls and the like, up the rear end had
evolved to include light bulbs. After
many botched removals, with obviously
severe consequences, San Francisco proc-
tologist Dr. Gerald Feigen found a solu-
tion: a sort of plaster-oEParis enema
that encases the object, preventing
breakage when it's removed. At least
for this medical problem there's light at
the end of the tunnel.

POOCH SCOOP

If you're a dog lover, don't you want
your dog to be a dog lover, too? If so,
try dabbing a drop or two of Monsieur
Chien behind your pooch's ear. lts a
new perfume (eight dollars for eight
ounces) that's guaranteed to make your
canine downright carnal. Jennifer Adler
of the Gray Consulting group explains,
"It's designed for the dog whose address

PLAYBOY

is chic but whose social life is the pits.
Not to be sexist about dog sexiness,
Adler says that if Monsieur Chien
catches on, nail polish and color rinse
will follow. Also reportedly in the works
is a series of too-small studded collars for
pups of both sexes who are into S/M.

FIT TO BE TIED.

If you want to be "in" with the cur-
rent Administration, be seen wearing a
necktie embroidered with profiles of
Adam Smith, the i8th Century political
economist,

“They are all the rage in the White
House, and Milton Friedman and Wil-
liam Simon and all those guys have
them," says Candy Chimples, secretary
to Martin Anderson, domestic-policy ad-
visor to Ronald Reagan.

The ties, which come in a variety of
colors, have also been worn by such
Irce-marketeers as Martin Anderson and
Edwin Meese, in Fortune magazine, on
the Today show and at various press
functions. They're the brain child of
The Decatur Shop, a mail-order house in
North Adams, Michigan, which has sold
1000 of them since 1975. In case the
Adam Smith. necktie strikes
you as being just a wee bit too conserva
tive, there are also Adam Smith T-shirts
and sweat shirts and, for the more con-
temporary macho politico. a Milton
Friedman T-shirt. Sort of the thinking
man’s Ted Nugent concert outfit.

SHE'LL TAKE MANHATTAN

Chicago's vision of womanhood some-
times centers on the physical, but not i
you're talking about Judy Chicago. Her
controversial sculpture exhibit The Din-
ner Parly honors 39 important women
culled from the history of Western
civilization. Each woman is represented
by a ceramic plate said to resemble a
butterfly, though some think the spread
is more graphic.

"Where Judy Chicago comes from a
very historical point of view," says New

idea of an

York-born conceptual artist Maria Man-
hattan, “I come from a very hysterical
point of view." Manhattan's exhibit

The Box Lunch parodies The Dinner
Party; her slogan begins, “If you're still
hungry after The Dinner Party. . . ."
Manhattan and her colleagues have
constructed cardboard-box collages hon-
oring women of dubious distinction, in-
cluding Auntie Mame, Eva Perón and
Miss Piggy—the good, the bad and the
porcine. Included, says Manhattan, 3
those who influenced our culture and
how we think about women. “Their
points of view may not be the greatest,
but they served as the role models we
grew up with, like Cinderella or Esther
Williams." But she feels that, most of
all, her show is about equality. Her
definition? “Not only do I recognize the

greats but I hono
the ingrates, as well.

Born Maria Scatuccio, Manhattan
took a name she felt was her birthright
("After all, my grandfather was а con-
struction worker on. Radio City and the
Empire State Building”) alter viewing
Chicago's exhibit and discovering that
many of her favorite women had been
left out.

Others among them: Sadie (Mrs.
Henny) Youngman, who is being lifted
up out of her kitchen by a giant hand.
"She is completely anonymous," ob-
serves Maria, "yet the subject of the
most famous one-liner in history: “Take
my wilc—plcasc.

Then there's Joan of Arc—"the most
famous French fry ever"—portrayed. as
a potato wedge tied to a stake. Christine
Jorgenson’s blood-red box contains two
things: a newspaper clipping headlined
“AT 50, CHRISTINE JORGENSON STILL EN-
JOYS BEING A GIRL” and a scalpel. And,
of course, there's Greta Garbo's box,
which wants to be left alone; it is hid-
den from sight under the tablecloth.

QUOTE OF THE MONTH
Ronald Reagan to showbiz bigwig Son-
ny Werblin: “If only you had been a
beter agent, I wouldn't have this job
tod

CHECKING IN

the near greats and

Richard J. Pietschmann met “Fla-
mingo Road” siar Morgan Feirchild for
lunch in Los Angeles. “She wore a pow-
derblue sweater that had regularly
spaced gaps the size of dimes,” he told
us. “I knocked over my Heineken trying
to шт on my tape recordes
PLAYnoy: Why does Texas produce such
good-looking women?
емкснир: I have this theory that all
those guys who hit it big in the Twen-
ties ahd Thirties went all over the
country and bought themselves good-

HARRYLANGDON

looking, pretty chorus girls
them back to Texas to settle down.
PLAYBOY: What were you like as a kid?
FAIRCHILD: I was born and raised

in
Dallas. First I was a skinny little kid with
white hair and white eyclashes and bi;

And then I turned into
a fat little kid with white hair and
white eyelashes and big, big glasses. I
was just one of those very studious kids.
I was so incapacitatingly shy. The teach-
ers loved me, the kids didn't even know
I was there.
pLaynoy: A slow-starting preadolescent?
Facio: Everybody else was in such
a hurry to grow up. but I kind of knew
what pain it was going to be. And I
wanted to stay a kid as long as T could.
I just sort of skipped adolescence.
PLAYBOY: When did you realize that you
were a little bit more than a little girl
with white eyelashes and thick glasses
and were beginning to attract attention
from the boys?
ramcunp: ] didn't attract attention
from the boys at first. I attracted atten-
tion from grown men. When 1 was about
14, I was going into a grocery store in a
shopping center. 1 had curlers in my
ir and had on these little tight capri
pants. And this father was driving by
and nearly had a wreck in his station
vagon, staring at my rear.
PLAYBOY: Morgan Fairchild can't be a
real name. What is your real name?
ramenip: Patsy McClenny. T changed
my name when I got my divorce, and I
picked Morgan from a movie that came
out in 1966 called Morgan! It was about
a man who lived in his fantasies. He
thought he was a gorilla. I tended to live
in my fantasies and identified with it.
Then a friend of mine came up with the
Fairchild part. She thought it went well
with Morgan. I thought I'd have this ter-
rible identity crisis, but 1 never did. T
always felt like a Morgan, never like a
Patsy.
PLAYBOY: How does it feel to be con-
sidered Hollywood's number-one bitch?
FMKEMILD: Well, it was a long time in
coming. It's fun. But it still amazes me
how seriously people take it.
prayuoy: Wouldn't you like to play а
few nice roles?
Faincintp: Playing а пісе lady would be
а good change of pace. 1 kept begging
to read for the good girl in The Initia-
lion of Sarah, but the director said,
“Look, we can find an ingénue an
where, but a good bitch is hard to find.
PLAYBOY: You do arrogant and spoiled
as well. How do you project arrogance?
FAIRCHILD: You stand up very straight.
You tilt your nose slightly in the air.
People buy it every time.
»rAvsoy: Do you think you'll ever break
out of your megabitch screen stereotype
and play roles such as a bored house-
wife or a vulnerable cripplc?
rAmcump: A vulnerable cripple who's

thick glasses.

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PLAYBOY

In an era in which a book's merit
is determined by daily computer anal-
ysis of its shelf life, it becomes pos-
sible to create statistical models of
upcoming chart busters. We put our
computer on overtime and came up
with the following prospects for next
year's hot literary numbers.

The David Stockman Diel—New
“supply-side” diet program trims food
stamps and school lunches, while
heating up frozen pork barrels to
grease the way for throwing American
weight around.

Creative Suicide, by Jean Harris—A
penetratingly personal document in
which the late Dr. Herman Tarnow-
er's spurned mistress explains how she
overcame despondency by firing a bul-
let at herself that somehow hit her
bcloved. Four times.

Residuals of the Gods, by Erich von
Daniken—The veteran coincidence-
meister presents irrefutable proof that
network programing was created by
beings from outer space.

Jogging Made Tolerable, by Jim
Fi ‘The guru of heaven's gait ex-
plains his secret for not boring your-
self blind while plodding mile after
mile, year after year: Write about
jogging, and think of cach step as
another royalty check.

Up and Down with the Osmonds, by
Brigham Sanchez—Donny and Ma-
rics trusted road manager tells all!
“The night Donny overdubbed in L.A.!
The truth about Marie's all-girl
Lysol parties! The microphone they
shamelessly shared, then abandoned!
The Collapse of Civilization Adven-
ture, by Irwin Allen—The noveliza-
tion of the biggest disaster movie
yet. It portrays, in explicit but family-
oriented terms, what happens when a
librarian at the nadir of her Hegelian
cycle finds love in the arms of a
but well-endowed biker, against a
spectacular background of crashing
productivity, exploding birth rates,
violent political shifts, plummeting
literacy and catastrophic cultural dis
integration.

Evolution: Lies or Propaganda?, by
the Reverend Jim Bob Billy Jeff Joe
Bud John—Tract urging creationism
as a college-level science course claims
the bones of an alleged stegosaur
can be reassembled as the frame of a
"53 Nash. Other disturbing points in-
clude a photostat of Charles Darwin's

w c. NEXT YEARS BESTSELLERS „ ж

13-week renewable option with the
Devil and the Reverend John's ob
servation that “even Negroes don't
have natural selection.”

How to Prosper in the Postnuclear
Economy, by Howard Ruff—Pro-
nouncing the current glut of books
on how to flourish during a new
Depression “irrelevant,” the checky
economist predicts that tomorrow's
entrepreneurs will be those who cor-
ner today’s market on bottled water,
Geiger counters and back issues of
PLAYBOY.

Don Juan: Tales of the Plastic Desert,
by Carlos Castaneda— Ihe spiritual
secker follows his master to a mysteri-
ous shopping center, where designer
fashions are always on sale and every-
one's credit is good. Is this reality or
justa dream of the Eisenhower years?
Women Screw, Too, by Erica Jong—
An attractive young author on the
loose in Manhattan discovers that
when it comes to the good she's
one of the boys. You'll laugh, you'll
cry, but you won't stay for breakfast.
Planet, by James A. Michener—The
epic novelist creates his masterpiece
with this painstakingly researched ten-
volume tale of Earth in its wild and
woolly formative years and the hard-
driving family that tamed it, Two

lovestarved unicells found a dynasty

at the bottom of a seemingly stagnant
gene pool. Their descendants claw
their way into the atmosphere, and
then above it, in Michener's sprawl
ing spectacle of life in this once
barren corner of the cosmos.
Is There Death After Death?, by El
abeth Kibler-Lovecraft—The most
optimistic treatise yet among the cur-
rent secular pleadings for the age-old
dream that rigor mortis is a passing
phase. Based on interviews with six
terminal hypochondriacs who all re-
ported secing a reassuring night light
at the end of the hallway, the book
argues that death is just a placebo to
ease our passage into another ward.
The Jesus Diaries, by Robert. Lud-
lum—The Vatican's elite Го of
Ninja nuns battles the K.G.B., Isracl
commandos and a mysterious little
man named Swifty in a desperate race
to locate a manuscript that threatens
to demolish the theological underpin-
nings of the West and make chopped
liver out of Portnoy's Complaint.
LENNY KLEINFELD

a nymphomaniac is probably what they'd
give me. Or a bored housewife who's
into kinky things. I don't know if they'll
ever give me a real-person part, because
all they ever want to do with you is
glitz you to hell and throw you out
there in a see-through bikini.

PLAYBOY: What are some of the ways you
get hit on by men here in Hollywood?
FAIRCHILD: I've had men walk up to me
and say, “This is my Rolls-Royce Silver
Cloud outside. I'm the one who owns it.
The chauffeur is mine,” and blah, blah,
blah. “And these are $300 chains, each
one of these right here,” and they start
giving you a Dun & Bradstreet before
they even ask you out. It’s like they
pile up all their possessions in front of
you and hide behind them and then
say, “Will you go out me" I
mean, who wants to go out with all
that? 111 take the Rolls and chains and
leave you home, honey, i£ that's all you
have to offer.

rLAYBOY: Do you have more male than
female friends?

FAIRCHILD: I tend to find men easier to
talk to. More men will talk to me, let's
put it that way. It's great to walk into
a room after I've played all these ter-
rible ladies and watch cvery woman
reach over and grab her husband. Every-
one always assumes that I'm after her
man. Consequently, I have more men
friends. Eventually, they give up hitting
on you and just decide to be friends,
most of them.

PLAYBOY: What do you do with your
spare time when you're not turning

some guy into poi?

FAIRCHILD: Trying to find some man of
my own to turn into poi. Can't save it
all for the screen, you know. What I
really like to do when I have any free
time is go to the movies. I like to go to
the ballet. And I like horseback riding.
And anthropology.

PLAYBOY: Anthropology?

rAmcHiLD: I've always been interested
in paleontology and anthropology.
When I was about eight, all my little
girlfriends in class would be reading
Nancy Drew and E had my paleontology
book stuck under the desk. I took an
anthropology course at UCLA last year.
My anthropology teacher is going down.
to Africa this summer and he said I
could go if | wanted to. I mean, I
wouldn't go as a full-fledged anything.
I would go in and see if they could put
me to work dusting or something.
PLAYBOY: What's your secret for making
it in Hollywood?

FAIRCHILD: I'm stubborn as hell, and
I'm going to do it my way. I won't have
nybody tell me that I have to go to
rties in order to make it in this town,
that I have to sleep with someone ir.
order to get a part. I meam, how darc
anyone tell me that success won't be
mine if I'm true to myself?

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And that's what Right Guard's for.

The Gillette Company, 4981

CERES King has gone to the dogs, or
rather, the dog. Cujo (Viking) is a 200-
pound Saint Bernard who, after being
en by a rabid bat, develops a taste
for people and Pintos. For more than
130 pages, this slobbering beast holds
a woman and her son hostage in the
family car. Most of the tension is visual:
King has been watching a lot of movies,
and this book reads like a montage of
coming-attraction clips to Jaws, Alliga-
tor, Grizzly, etc. A man fights off the dog,
makes it into his house to safety, shuts
the screen door behind him. Two sec-
onds later, 200 pounds of appetite comes
smashing through the door like “Here's
Johnny!” in The Shining. The wom-
an in the car thinks the dog has
gone off, but “a moment later, Cujo's
foam-covered, twisted face popped up
outside her window, only inches away,
like a horror-movie monster that has de-
cided to give the audience the ultimate
thrill by coming right out of the screen.”
Praise God and pass the popcorn.
There's a hint of the supernatural to
Cujo. but for the most part, King has
tied to create horror from the every-
day things of life: breakfast cereal,
adultery and faulty carburetors. He has
talent, and he refuses to repeat him-
self. The reason: Twenty million read-
ers cant be wrong. This will satisfy
King fans, and that's enough.
.

By now, old folkies, beatniks and
hippies surely make you groan, even if
you're one of them. Bear that in mind
as we boldly recommend David King
Dunaway's biography of Pete Seeger,
How Can I Keep from Singing (McGraw-
Hill). Secger's life of commitment, his
high expectations [or America and his
devotion to its music sit rather well bc-
side the talk of American Renewal now
so fashionable in Washington. With
forebears who came over on the May-
flower and later showed up as aboli-
Uonists, Seeger serves as an appropriate
patriotic model even by D.A.R. stand-
ards. Starting with a strong appreciation
for American folk music learned from
his music-professor father and from fam-
ly friend Alan Lomax, Seeger later har-
nessed folk music to the ideals of the
labor movement and, yes, sometimes tan-
gentially, to the Communist Party. After
a short college career at Harvard, he
dropped out. with the intent of becom-
ing a journalist. He made headlines,
you'll recall—before the House Un-
American Activities Committec, in a
Contempt of Congress citation and for
his presence in almost every major social
movement of his lifetime, except for
feminism, Throughout his life, Seeger
maintained а stoicism, a clip-tongued

Cujo: not man's best friend.

New Stephen King; a
sticky-sweet bio of Sugar
Ray; and S. J. Perel-
man's last laugh.

‘Sugar: a saccharine aftertaste.

puritanism that excluded whiskey, ciga-
rettes and loose sex, and prompted іе
low folkie Lee Hays to comment, *
wish I could give [Pete] the gift of goof-
ing off.” We're glad he left the goofing
off to the rest of us; he’s done very nicely
for his part.

George MacDonald Fraser, author of
the famous “Flashman” series, has final-
ly made it to the 20th Century, however
reluctantly. Flash gave us the great hits

of the 1800s, from The Charge of the
Light Brigade to Custers Last Stand.
The new book is somewhat less dramatic,
but that seems the fault of the century,
not the author. The hero of Mr. American
(Simon & Schuster) is a reformed gun-
slinger who once rode with Butch
Cassidy and the Holc in the Wall Gang
but who, having struck it rich in Tono-
pah, moves to England. What follows is
à quiet commentary on the Empire circa
1910. Mark Franklin samples life in the
West End, plays bridge with the king,
hires a butler, takes a wife, attends teas.
He also runs into the 90-year-old Gen-
eral Flashman, has a shoot-out with Kid
Curry in the front hall of his country
estate, inadvertently contributes funds
to the Irish revolution, watches England
prepare for World War One and outwits
a detective from Scotland Yard. The
fictional retelling of the past has won
kudos for the likes of E. L. Doctorow
and Nicholas Meyer. Fraser has been
doing it longer and better than both.
Give yourself a treat.
.

Sugar Ray Leonard may be a boxer
who is too good to be true. A Fistful of Sugar
(Coward, McCann & Geoghegan), by
Alan Goldstein, certainly reads that way.
It is a 267-page valentine to the boyish,
charming fighter who may be, by the
end of his career, the best of the cen-
tury. In the meantime, we would like to
know something of his life. Goldstein
dredges up names, dates, places and
moronic, clichéed descriptive glue. Some
serious questions are glossed over. For
example, why did Sugar Ray father a
son out of wedlock when his family, and
family life in general, is so important to
him? Because he had other things on his
mind? We are supposed to believe so.
And when Juanita (now Mrs. Leonard)
applied for welfare payments for Ray,
Jr. the county routinely sued the father
for paternity. That was right after Leon-
ard's Olympic win in Montreal. It. be-
came a big scandal. Goldstein quotes
Ray's mother: "Juanita hadn't said any-
thing to us before. . .. But is it a disgrace
for an 18-year-old girl to need assistance
in ing a child?" Well, no. Just irre-
sponsible. And so is this glass-jawed book.

S. J. Perelman fans, lighten up. His
posthumous collection, appropriately ti-
tled The Last Laugh (Simon & Schuster),
has arrived. In it, find 17 heretofore un-
collected pieces (our favorite titles: Me-
thinks the Lady Doth Propel Too Much
and To Yearn Is Subhuman, to Fore-
stall Divine) and a portion of his auto-
biography about dealings with Dorothy
Parker and the Marx Brothers, among
others. Perelman freaks will cherish this.

Seagram's Gin &
Schweppes Tonic

Two great tastes meant for each other.

Nothing cools and refreshes like Seagram's Gin and Schweppes Tonic.
And remember, enjoy our quality in moderation.

100% NEUTRAL SPIRITS. DISTILLED FROM GRAIN. 80 PROOF. SEAGRAM DISTILLERS COMPANY, NEW YORK, NEW YORK

MOVIES

t is almost impossible not to identify
І with someone or something in The Four
Seasons (Universal) if you have ever
joined a group of fun seckers on holiday
and found that several of your best
friends turn out to be pains in the ass.
Watching the three New York couples
who spend Four Seasons getting to know
one another's weaknesses all too well
becomes funny, touching and hurtfully
true for any number of reasons—be-
cause the actors are fine, the characters
they play are convincingly human and
the movie's instincts are warm and forth-
right from beginning to end. So chalk
up the credit as well as the blame—we'll
get to that—to ТУЗ ever-popular Alan
Alda, who wrote the screenplay, stars in
it and simultaneously makes his brisk
debut as a featurefilm director. Alda
handles his fellow actors with keen sensi-
tivity and is repaid in kind by Carol
Burnett, who plays his mettlesome wife
right on key; by Rita Moreno and Jack
Weston, as a loud couple; plus Len
Cariou as a swinger whose old friends
can’t quite forgive him when he drops
his stolid, loyal first wife (Sandy Dennis)
for a sleek younger model (Bess Arm-
strong). Even at their worst, these are
likable people, whether they're bicker-
ing, impulsively swimming in the nude
or just feeling the first hard chill of
middle age.

"There's some bad news in Alda's
stagy and occasionally self-conscious ef-
fort to keep the movie symmetrical. I
have a hunch he was simply wearing too
many hats, whichis one way to lose your
head. I wish he hadn't tried to keep it
all so tidy, each seasonal episode ending
with a bit of watery womb symbolism. I
wish he had written a more attractive
character for himself to play—as an over-
analytical boor and moralizer, he gets
all the worst of it. The schematic struc-
ture of Four Seasons kept reminding me,
too, that Alda starred in the movie ver-
sion of Same Time, Next Year and seems
beholden to those Broadway roots. Yet
despite a slurp of sentimentality here
and there, the odds lean toward having
a darn good time. ¥¥¥

Тһе macho men on opposite sides of
the law in Death Hunt (Fox) are Charles
Bronson and Lee Marvin. Set in the
early Thirties and based on a truc
story—re-creating the most grueling man
hunt in the history of the Royal Cana-
dian Mounted Police, or so they say—
the movie becomes a crook's tour of some
awesome arctic wastelands. Marvin plays
the red-eyed Mountie with an unquench-
able thirst for whiskey, Bronson the
loner unjustly accused of murder, After
a slow start, including an almost totally
irrelevant close encounter between Mar-

In Season: Alda, Weston, Burnett.

Alda scores with Seasons;
the Mounties chase Bronson;
Cimino's still not Heavenly.

Bronson on the Hunt.

Huppert, Kristofferson left at Gate.

vin and Angie Dickinson (marvelous as
usual, for Angie watchers, though mi-

lady's more Beverly Hills than Cana-
dian Rockies), director Peter Hunt gets
Death Hunt on the right track. Andrew
Stevens, Carl Weathers and Ed Lauter
are in the motley crew led by Marvin,
while Bronson does his mnow-classic
strong, silent number. Of course, he and
Marvin learn deep respect for each other
out there in the frozen Yukon, and
that's all I ought to tell about a good,
standard adventure yarn wisely drawing
its main strength from two of contem-
porary cinema's great stone faces. ҮЙ
.

When it was yanked from release last
November, following a disastrous New
York premicre, Heaven's Gate (UA) had
already been damned as pretentious, in-
coherent and overlong—an endurance
test for audiences, a monumental and
costly ego trip for director Michael

imino. The reworked version unveiled
this spring is pretentious, more coher-
ent, still long at two and a half hours
and an endurance test, etc. etc. The film
works wonderfully as calendar art; it's
gorgeous to a fault, so beautiful to be-
hold that they'd be more on target to
call it cinematographer Vilmos Zsig-
mond's Heaven's Gate. Pretty pictures
appear to paralyze Cimino, who drama-
tizes his story as a series of studied, self-
indulgent, almost operatic set pieces—
the Harvard graduation ball; the roller-
skating number (Heaven's Gate is the
name of the rink); the courtship duets;
the climactic battle, when immigrant
Wyoming homesteaders at last take
arms against the ruthless cattle associa-
tion’s hired killers in a historic contre-
temps that came to be known as the
Johnson County Wars. Anyone curious
to see a classic Western on the subject is
referred to George Stevens’ Shane, which
covered similar ground brilliantly in just
under two hours back in 1953. Here, the
protagonists are Kris Kristofferson and
Christopher Walken, playing the mar-
shal vs. the hit man, with France's Isa-
belle Huppert miscast as the whorehouse
madam they both love—a girl with the
curiously un-French name of Ella Wat-
son who keeps taking her clothes off.
While their romantic triangle moved me
to a shrug at most, the actors cannot be
blamed. They are not people but props
in the glorious landscape filled with
deafening sound and fury by Cimino,
Hollywood's somewhat tarnished golden
boy who won an Oscar for The Deer
Hunter. Seems like 100 years ago. ¥¥

Topical as the bad news from
Heaven's Gate or any such overblown
box-office disaster, Blake Edwards’ $.O.B.
(Paramount/Lorimar) stands for Stand-
ard Operational Bullshit, though sons
of bitches abound in this sleek and

Enter

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PLAYBOY

surprising black comedy about the efforts
to save a megamillion-dollar Hollywood
fiasco. Writer-producer-director Blake
Edwards, scoring an easy 9.8 on a scale
of 10 by my estimate, has clearly dis-
tilled a couple of decades of firsthand
observation into the wittiest and bitch-
iest showbiz satire since All About Eve.
A lot of people may detest him for it,
because Edwards has fired a broadside
likely to shatter glass houses all over
Bel Air and Malibu. S.O.B. is a kind of
slapstick Shampoo—hard as nails but
hilarious, and abristle with spiky truth.

In an all-star company of first-rate
performers having a field day—no doubt
sending up a rogues’ gallery of celebrat-
ed producers, agents and ass kissers every-
one loves to hate—there's not space
enough to give everyone due credit.
Robert Vaughn as a studio chicf who's
into high heels and lacy lingerie, Robert
Preston damn near stealing the show
as a campy, quackish Dr. Feelgood who
never wears a shirt under his suede jack-
et and scarf, Loretta Swit as a vicious
gossip columnist who may remind in-
siders of Joyce or Rona, Shelley Winters
as a portly superagent whose name is not
Sue—they are all done to a turn. Pure
malice. Fairness demands appreciative
nods to William Holden, Robert Web-
ber, Craig Stevens, Larry Hagman and
Marisa Berenson as various other
movieland monsters.

Top bill, of course, is Julie Andrews
(a.k.a. Mrs. Blake Edwards), who finally
sheds her tapioca-bland image redolent
of Mary Poppins and Sesame Street.
Julie plays a superstar-perennial sun-
shine girl named Sally Miles, her charis-
ma fading with an ill-fated flop called
Night Wind, directed by her husband
("NEW YORK CRITICS BREAK WIND,” pro-
claims a page-one Variety headline).
Sally has to be drugged before she can
bring herself to appear topless in a
drastic $40,000,000 revision destined to
unveil “America’s G-rated sweetheart in
an X-rated nude scene.” Says she, peer-
ing quizzically into her décolletage, “I'm
gonna show my boobies—are they worth
showing?” They are, and she does, and
Julie's dynamite—loose as a goose and
delightful, spoofing prudes, nudes, her-
self and all of us in a manner most
likely to inflame the Moral Majority.
As Sallys husband, the suicidal film
maker, driven mad by imminent failure,
Richard Mulligan (of TV's Soap) is fab-
ulous, a symphony of tics. If his wild and
zany performance does not net him an
Oscar nomination, there is no justice.

5.0.В. takes some dark and hazard-
ous turns later on. There's a gruesome
death, a funeral and a body-snatching
sequence reminiscent of the hoary Hol-
lywood legend about John Barrymore,
whose cronies allegedly stole his corpse
from the mortuary for a drunken wake.
"There are fart jokes, piss-in-your-pants

40 jokes jokes about a forlorn stray dog

The King eulogized.

Elvis, Ranger recycle
legends; Caine's able,
but we'll take S.O.B.

Hand's Caine in the clutch.

marooned in a town where man's best
friend is a tough agent. There's also
Larry Storch, hilarious as a swami whose
eulogy consists of quoting grosses and
commending to posterity the late, great
creator of Hell-bent for Texas and Inva-
sion of the Pickle People. Ultimately,
the occasional excesses of S.O.B. seem
much less important than its bull'seye
gags about tits and ass and taste and

integrity. So far, as the silly season ap-
proaches, here's my nomination for the
number-one comedy of the year. YYYY

Even a slightly sophisticated seven-
year-old is apt to find The legend of the
Ranger (Universal/AFD) rather
bland. I caught it at a sneak preview,
where a hoot of approval went up when
fans first saw the Lone Ranger (Klinton
Spilsbury) and Tonto (Michael Horse)
ride like the wind to do some courageous
deed or other, their profiles against the
horizon, a philharmonic posse flinging
itself into the giddyap-giddyap rhythms
of Rossini's William Tell overture. That
brings back the good old days of boy-
hood and Saturday serials. Although no
fewer than five writers claim some credit,
the rest of the film is pretty dumb,
with only widescreen and hazy, heavily
filtered color—the nostalgia effect—to
set this Legend apart from the kind of
routine little Western Hollywood used to
grind out every week. They did it better
way back then. Horse is a handsome
Tonto and Spilsbury looks like a male
model about to snap his seat, or his
crotch, into focus to show off some snug
designer jeans. What remains of his per-
formance is just passable, though juiced
up by the voice of actor James Keach,
who rerecorded all of Spilsbury's dialog
on the sound track. A plot to kidnap
President Ulysses S. Grant (Jason Ro-
bards) from a train keeps the Lone
Ranger busy yet allows plenty of time
for idle speculation as to why the masked
stranger would need a vocal stunt man. Y

Lone

The docudramatized This Is Elvis (WB)
succeeds amazingly well at combining
re-created moments from the late rock-
n'roll star's life with actual film foot-
age, underscored with more than three
doren of Presley's musical hits on the
sound track. While Elvis is portrayed,
at various stages, by three different actors
and an offstage voice, the impersonators
are merely cinematic punctuation marks,
obscured by reality when the man him-
self shows us how he became a legend.
His films, his female companions, his
gold and platinum discs, his bloated
waistline and his bouts with drugs were
all part of it. Though clearly a labor of
love written, produced and directed by
Malcolm Leo and Andrew Solt (with
Elvis’ own Colonel Tom Parker as tech-
nical advisor), Elvis is inoffensive with-
out being unbalanced or inane. As a
more or less authorized biography, it
may add up to an elementary lesson in
Elvis worship, yet this stirring psycho-
drama delivers a eulogy rightly embel-
lished with rhythm-and-blues. ¥¥¥

•

Although semiprofessionals from the
chop-and-slash school of cinema seem to
be hogging the profits in horror films,
The Hand (Orion/WB) is an eerie shocker

Г Se р d А
BREWED AND BOTTLED IN CANADA; imported by Martlet Importing Co., Inc., Great Neck, N.Y.

PLAYBOY

with some heavyweight talent to guide it.
For his directorial debut, writer-director
Oliver Stone (who won an Oscar for the
screenplay of Midnight Express) has
Michael Caine playing a famous cartoon-
ist with marital problems and other
hang-ups. all of them heightened when
his hand is severed in a freak accident.
The hand can't even be found, as a mat-
ter of fact, but keeps creeping up at awk-
ward moments in unexpected places to
carry out Caine's dark subconscious de-
ires. Maybe. For an actor of Caine's
The Hand has to be either a
ing expedition or a fast-buck as-
signment. Anyway, he and Stone earn
their money without insulting your in
telligence, which makes cheap thrills a
bargain. ¥¥%

.
Terrorized teenagers, all the rage since
Jamie Lee Curtis went baby-sitting in
Halloween, begin some counterattacks
with Hoppy Birthday to Me (Columbia).
Her TV fans may be surprised to see
Melissa Sue Anderson (of Little House
on the Prairie) deeply involved in such
mayhem at a fashionable prep school,
where the top ten students start disap-
ng onc by one. Mindful of the poor
brain damage, her costar, Glenn
Ford—obviously bored stiff—makes a
few house calls as a shrink on the hit
list of guests destined to die when a teen.
maniac starts cutting up. Trust me; you
don’t want to know what twists of plot
lie behind all this. ¥
.

Connoisseurs of trash will find nug-
gets amid the campy low-jinks of
Polyester (New Line), which is seldom
funnier than its title, though the com

Divine. Divine plays Francine
the suburban wife of a creep
who shows Xrated movies at his drive-
im theater, with Tab as а drcamboat
named Todd (his theater shows only bor-
img but presügious foreign art films).
True love it's not, for Polyester has
other concerns, plus several subplots
stemming from Francine's divorce, her
alcoholism, her nervous breakdown,
her wayward son the drug addict and
her nympho daughter. The real show-
stopper, though, is a gimmick called
Odorama. a dubious fringe benefit for
instream moviegoers, each of whom
receives a card with ten sealed-in odors
lo be released by scratching a numbered
circle whenever a cue pops up on the
screen. “The whole world stinks, Fi

cine, so get used to it," growls her gross
hubby. Introduced in the prolog by a
bogus mad scientist, Polyester's sampler
of smells brings up whitls of everything
from a rose and a fart to pizza, pine
freshener and sweaty sneakers. Writer-
producer-director John Waters, perpe-
trator of Pink Flamingos, Female
Trouble and other deliberately offensive

Hunter feeling Divine

Polyester.

junk movies, is a slapdash cinéaste with
a cult of admirers who don't care wheth-
er he makes things right as long as he
makes things weird. This outrageous syn-
thetic satire ought to be weird enough
for the worst of them, ¥¥
б

If nothing else, Toke This Job and Shove
h (Aveo Embassy) brings back Robert
Hays and shows us that his success as the
lovelorn numskull hero of last year’s Atr-
plane? was not a fluke. Hays scores again
as a kind of ећсіепсу expert who is

assigned to goose production in a Du
buque brewery but rediscovers his high
Hershey), re-

school sweeth
news acquaintance with some enduring
beer buddies and finds the old home
town working changes on him. Well,
they had to link the screenplay one way
or another to the 1977 hit song recorded
by Johnny Paycheck, and a blue-collar
comedy about labor relations in lowa
must have seemed like a good idea at the
time. Eddie Albert, Art Carney, Penelo-
pe Milford and Martin Mull keep Hays
company. yet he looks well able
practice, to fly solo into a loftie
tion of romantic comedy—up there with

t (Barb:

aces like Jack Lemmon and Cary
Grant. ¥¥

Deville’s Voyage en Douce (New Yor
playing a couple of harried young wives
who talk about men, women, life and
lesbianism on a trip through the south
. It's all very
1, though both
ly iu

1).

a
Dominique clicking the shutter, restless
Geraldine impulsively going foule nuc.
The rest of Voyage stems to be an
overlong time exposure, not bad but
blurry. ¥¥

REVIEWS BY BRUCE WILLIAMSON

MOVIE SCORE CARD

capsule close-ups of current films
by bruce williamson

Atlontic Сау Upward mobility on
the Boardwalk, upgraded because
Louis le^ rm human comedy
seems even warmer the second time
around. yv.

Blake Edwords" 5.0.8. (Reviewed this
month) Julie Andrews un-Poppinsed
in Tinseltown УУУУ

Covemon Well, Ringo and his
bara will rise above it.

City of Women Fellini and the inimi.
table Mastroianni do a big number
about sexis yyy

Deoth Hunt (Reviewed this month)
Marvin meets Bronson in an cpic
tic chase. yv
Excalibur A big hit, though John

Boorman's Round Table drama looks
pretty sq yy
The Four Seosons (Reviewed this

month) Alan Alda's ordinary people

arc fun folk. yyy
wed this month)

yyh

Hoppy Birthday to Me (Reviewed this
month) Horrors. Y
Heaven's Gate (Reviewed this month)
Slammed shut. yy

1 Sent о Letter to My Love Simone
Signoret is superb as a sisterly pen
pal. yyy

Koightriders When knighthood and
Yamahas were in flower. Уу

Lo Coge oux Folles П Return of the
boys in the bandbos yyh

The Legend of the Lone Renger (Rc
viewed this month) Heigh-ho hum-
drum. Y

The Line "This is the Army, as seen
from a stockade filled with Vietnam

dropouts. WwW
Nopoleon Abel Gance's French silent
classic of 1997. УУУУ
Nighthawks Great escapism, with
Sylvester Stallone vs. ace terrorist
Rutger Hauer. vvv

Oblomov From Russia with love—
an instant classic. Wn
Polyester (Reviewed this month)
High-camp trash with Odorama, so
hold your nose. yy
Supermon H What he did for love.
Up, up and away. Wy
Take This Job and Shove Ir (Reviewed
this month) Safe landing for Robert
Hays. vv

Thief A high-tech drama about
grand larceny, co-starring James
Caan and Chicago. wy

This Is Elvis (Reviewed this month)
Semper pelvis Wa

Voyege en Douce (Reviewed this
month) Two talky femmes on a show-
and-tell tour of southern France. ¥¥

УУУУ Don't miss — ¥¥ Worth a look
YYY Good show ¥ Forget it.

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MUSIC

HOW US YOUR UNDERALLS: Prince
is a 21-year-old who performs onstage
in his underpants and sometimes sings
about having sex with his sister. On his
third LP, Dirty Mind, a funky R&B-and-
punk mix, he croons about oral sex
(giving and getting) sleeping ¢ trois
with his girlfriend and her boyfriend
and other assorted sexual high-jinks.
The rock critics love his silky falsetto
(or is it his silky undies?), ranking Prince
at the top of several 1980 reviewer polls.
But will success spoil Prince's charms?
We doubt it. In fact, he proposed to
us a sort of national come-as-you-are
party—at two P.M., everyone would have
sex. “Traffic would stop and no matter
where you were, you'd do it," he smiled.
Welcome to the Eighties.

BONDS TREASURY: As usual, we
found an expert of uncompromising
taste and keen ability to review Gary
U. S. Bonds's new album, Dedication (EMI-
America). In fact, we found Miami Steve
Van Zandt's review wrapped around a
cassette tape of the album in the morning
mail. You recall Van Zandt, rock-n’roll
gadfly and member of Bruce Spring-
steen’s E-Street Band? And, oh, yeah,
coproducer of Dedication. Listen, if you
want the facts straight, you've got to go
to the source, right? We thought we'd
share Miami's note with you:

“Me and Bruce coproduced the first
four songs and I did the rest myself.
Bruce wrote This Little Girl, Your Love
and Dedication. I wrote Daddy's Come
Home and Gary and his band wrote Way
Back When and Just Like a Child. The
other four songs you should recognize
(being older than ГЇЇ ever be), with the
possible exception of Jole’ Blon, which
Bruce found on a Roy Acuff album and
for which everybody seems to take writ-
ing credit. The E-Street Band members.
are mixed with Gary's band throughout
the album. We took about four wecks
and used about every engineer at The
Power Station in New York. And, oh,
yeah, that's Bruce singing with Gary on
Jole' Blon, and Ben E. King and Chuck
Jackson singing with Gary on Your Love
(Maynard G. Miami on bongos). What
else can I tell you? I love the record and
I'm personally wonderful throughout.
Seriously, though, it was a privilege to
work with Gary, to give back a little of
what he's given us.” Or, as опе person in
the band said, “When you work with an
artist like Gary, you don't make a record.
you make history.” Well, there you have
it. The naked truth. Thanks for the re-
view; we concur. The checks in the
mail. We'd just like to add that the
famed razor edge of Gary's voice is still
there, and the chemistry between the
EStreet Band and Bonds's band is guar-
anteed gold.

RAH-RAH REPTILES: The Lounge Lizards
emerged almost accidentally from the
flourishing Manhattan club scene in late
1979, but within months it was clear
that the band’s ultimate popularity and
influence would be based on a lot more
than just its film noir look (baggy suits,
skinny iridescent ties). Critics immediate-
ly dubbed the Lizards’ purely instru-
mental concoctions “punk jazz": an often
ironic, sometimes scary blend of arche-
typal mainstream jazz riffs and ensemble
playing with structured outbursts of
electronic dissonance, a little like Young
Man with a Horn Goes to the Forbidden
Planet. Front man John Lurie and his
alto sax quickly became symbolically hot
on the N.Y.C. music-and-art circuit, even
gaining a national profile last year when
he and his brother Evan, the 1.1. key-
boardist, supplied the sound track and
appeared with Debbie Harry on Gloria
Vanderbilt/Murjani jeans TV ads.
Unlike so many bands working the
current "retro" trends in pop music
(rock-a-billy and ska immediately come
to mind), mining the past without add-
ing much from the present, the Lounge
Lizards deliberately juxtapose musical
styles and eras in bizarre new ways. For
its debut album, The Lounge Lizards
(Editions EG), the band turned to famed

jazz producer Teo Macero (Miles Davis,
Charles Mingus) for studio direction,
and the result is a moody, very live-
sounding depiction of this reptilian
quintet’s remarkable sound. Lurie’s bit-
tersweet alto tone and compositions,
especially Do the Wrong Thing and You
Haunt Me, conjure a brooding picture
of, say, Richard Widmark in a cheap
hotel room, neon lights flashing on his
face, while guitarist Arto Lindsay's
slashing, atonal chords constantly place
the whole scenario on a lonely street
somewhere in orbit around Uranus. The
rhythm section (Топу Fier on drums
and Steve Piccolo on bass) comes through.
with highly original ideas on reworkings
of such "bent" jazz standards as Thelo-
nious Monk's Epistrophy and the su-
premely atmospheric Harlem Nocturne.

In a recent conversation, Lurie cheer-
fully admitted that he has "a whole
range of influences, from Eric Dolphy
and Johnny Hodges to Henry Mancini.
We originally got together to play
a spurofthe-moment engagement at
Hurrah's in Manhattan, and I already
had a lot of music written that was
basically sound-track material for a
sleazy jazz film I always wanted to make.
Our sound evolved from there, with the

edectic idea of juxtaposing styles but
still keeping some very strong moods
going. l'm studying composition and
arrangement more these days with Teo
Macero, and I'm sure our approach to
‘mood music’ will only get stronger and,
hopefully, truly gigantic, as time goes
on.” Play it again, Godzilla.

—CRISPIN CIOE

REVIEWS

Fantasy Records has always been re-
issue heaven for jazz fans, and its new
Midline Series—at $5.98 suggested list—
should cause much rejoicing among the
financially strapped faithful. The 26
albums in the series are drawn from the
Fantasy, Prestige and Stax catalogs. For
openers, on Prestige, there's Caribé, Es
Dolphy's rare session with the Latin Jazz
Quintet. This is early Dolphy, before
he fully developed his grand baroque
style, and his playing is spare, fluid and
straightforward—a gem. The John Coltrane/

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FAST TRACKS

ONE MORE FOR MY BABY DEPARTMENT: A Danish doctor, Holt Hansen, says that the
taste of beer can be enhanced by good music. Hansen notes that if you drink
beer to the correct type of music, you will experience a subconscious sensation
in your jawbone. And we always thought we were just getting bombed. The doc

further says that dark beers go better with high-

ched music, and light beers

and spirits (that's the hard stuff) taste better with low-pitched tunes. But one
thing we know for sure is that nothing tastes good with Donny and Marie. . . .

ANDOM RUMORS: Leo Sayer is think-
R ing of divorcing his wife and
marrying her again—this time on TV.
He wants to retie the knot on the
NBC show Wedding Day. Sayer calls
the show “genius” and says, “America
is the only country I know which
lives up to its expectations.” Just re-
member, you heard it here first. . . .
John Lydon, former Sex Pistol and cur-
rent leader of Public Image Limited, has
signed Ginger Baker to replace his for-
mer drummer, and a new album is
expected soon. Stranglers lead
singer and guitarist Hugh Cornwell
caused quite a stir in a New Haven
hotel recently—but not for wrecking
his room. Cornwell gave an aftcr-
concert interview to a woman who
said she was a reporter from a local
college paper. After she left, Gorn-
well undressed and started to go to
bed when he discovered that the
alleged reporter had made off with
his wallet. He bolted for the lobby—
stark-naked—and cornered the cul-
prit. That's life in the fast lane. . . .
We hear that singer Randy Parton,
Dolly's brother, is out on the road,
trying to promote his own stuff while
judging Dolly look-alike contests. Is
this fair to a new kid?

NEWSBREAKS: We Knew It Would
Just Be a Matter of Time Depart
ment: It’s Rock ‘r’ Roll, a multi-
media rock-trivia TV game show
covering the 25-year history of rock,
is scheduled to air this fall with
comic Richard Belzer as host. It will
feature teams of rock stars and rock
fans in competition for big-money
prizes. . . . Andy Gibb made his the-
atrical debut in the L.A. production
of The Pirates of Penzance. . . . Willie
Nelson has taped an Evening with
Willie Nelson for "TV's Austin City
Limits. The 90-minute show airs this
month . Here's the we-could-cry

press release of the month: “Barry
Manilow Number One Male Vocalist
in England, Topping Bowie, Lennon,
Wonder, Springsteen and Presley.” This
from a country that brought us
Shakespeare and Peter Townshend? . . .
linda Ronstadt will record an album
of songs associated with famous
blues/jazz singers such as Billie Holiday,
Sarch Vaughan and Ella Fitzgerald this
summer backed by veteran jazz musi-
cians. After she completes it, Ron-
stadt will make her next Peter Asher-
produced record. Both will be out late
summer or early fall. . . . Have you
been dancing the summer away to
Urban Chipmunk? Don't laugh. The
record-buying public sent Chipmunk
Punk way beyond a gold record to
platinum. Rock 'n' roll will never die,
right? . . . Roy Orbison is going to tour
the country starting this month and
through the fall. Monroe Manor
is open in Nashville. Owned and
operated by James and the legendary
Bill Monroe, the steakhouse /lounge will
eventually contain a museum honor-
ing Bill. Until then, patrons have
their choice of weekday bluegrass
and weekend country—and a good
piece of beef, of course. . . . With
friends like this: Pink Hoyd has bec
singled out for praise by a Communist
Youth League publication that called
the groups album The Wall an at-
tempt to break down the separation
between “the Western elite and the
popular masses.” And we thought
you could dance to it. . . . British
publication Melody Maker says а
new and carly Beatles recording has
surfaced in London. The los: album
was made in 1961 at the C
Club with Pete Best,
drums. Will it ever make the stores?
Only if copyright problems on the
nonoriginal songs are resolved.

— BARBARA NELLIS

Ray Draper Quintet is an engagingly
eccentric match-up: Draper, on tuba,
sounds like an amiable moose; and Col-
trane plays brilliantly in his pre-Giant
Steps manner. On The Ballad Album, an-
other great tenor player, Dexter Gordon,
works his lyrical magic on both pop and
jazz standards with consummate mastery
and grace. Evidence, by Steve Lacy with
Don Cherry, takes the harmonic and
thythmic innovations of Thelonious
Monk into Ornette Coleman territory.
Long out of print, it's a modern-jazz
classic and a must for any serious fan.
For those who prefer to do their listen-
ing with their feet, we recommend the
Stax selections, especially Booker T. and
ihe MG's Greatest Hits and volumes опе
and two of 15 Original Big Hits, with cuts
by Rufus and Carla Thomas, Booker T.,
Johnnie Taylor, The Staples and others.
Inflation may be going up. but you can
still afford to get down.

The standout Midline rock LP from
the Fantasy catalog is Creedence Clear-
water Revival's The Concert, Recorded in
1970 but never released, it's the best
Creedence album ever: tight, stinging,
hard-rocking music and—above all—
John Fogertys awesome vocals. Fantasy
re-released Fogerty's legendary
eedence LP, The Blue Ridge Rangers,
on which he overdubbed all the instru-
ments and sang all the vocals. Heard
today, Fogertys prescient mixture of
country, Gospel, rock-a-billy and R&B
sounds even more compelling and con-
temporary than it did back in 1973.

The Philadelphia Orchestra's special
tonal beauty js unmatched. However,
capturing the "Philly sound" on records
has been a problem, and few recent
albums come close to what one hears in
the concert hall. Now two Angel releases
bring forth all of the splendor of the
Philadelphians. You'll experience the
string richness, the radiance, suppleness
and magnificent blending of choirs that
have made the orchestra famous in Also
Sprach Zarathustra (containing the 2001
theme), led by Eugene Ormandy, and
in an album of Spanish evocations by
Ravel, Falla and Chabrier, under the
baton of Ormandys young successor,
Riccardo Muti. Both albums arc musical-
ly stunning and overwhelming in sonic
realism, perhaps due to Angel's new re-
cording studio and to digital recording
technology. It promises a new cra of
Philly greatness on disc.

The zany antics of Dizzy Gillespie
and Thelonious Monk notwithstanding,
bebop is a very strict musical style, with
lots of chord changes and an ascetic ap-
proach to sound, and it’s doubtful that
Monk—who allegedly coined the term
bebop—would recognize any of his own
art in the streamlined soul grooves laid
down by the L.A. Boppers on Bep Time!

(Mercury. But if the Boppers don't
touch the inner seriousness of bebop,
their dazzling horn passages and thump-
ing rhythms definitely convey its outer
brashness. Also making its presence felt,
especially on the ballads, is the insouci
ance of doo-wop, an etymological and
musical cousin of bebop. Those who r
member the real stuff, however, will have
to be satisfied with a neatly turned but
alltoo-short medley of Lambert, Hen-
dricks and Ross tunes.
.
Every once in a while, after various
excursions elsewhere, the Grateful Dead
venture k home—musically, we

mean—to bring us a little old-fashioned.
rista), a nicely

cheer. Such is Reckoning (
recorded double live set t
without electricity, wandering
through mostly carly material, close to
the folkie and bluegrass fields they went
tripping through before they became
the Dead. As usual, little ragged
around the edges; harmonies sometimes
splinter and break, but its a happy
cvent, nonetheless. This is an album to
start your day with, and there's hardly
higher praise.

back

it's a

Billy Joc Shaver, who wrote Waylon
Jennings’ entire Honky Tonk Heroes
album a few years ago, is a redneck
visionary whose songs seem not so much
written as ripped full-finished from
heart, spleen and liver. Now his f'm Just
сп Old Chunk of Coal . . . but I'm Gonna Ве
a Diamond Someday (Columbia) showcases
a singing style that raggedly unites the
rage of a Jennings and a Jerry Lee Le
with the sentimentality of a, well, Tex
tand back, women. This
diamond in the rough.

A veritable feast for guitar aficiona-
dos, Fridey Night in Sen Francisco (Colum-
bia) serves up the fretboard furies of
John McLaughlin, Al Di Meola and
Paco de Lucia, the most renowned
young flamenco guitarist in Spain, in
an all-acoustic trio setting that's, well,
breath-taking. Di Meola's fluid n echanics
approach to melody meshes perfectly

with De Lucia's passionately daring at-
tack and McLaughlin's expansive pyro-
technics.

Dennis Brown is already а pop-reggae
star in Europe. His first major Stateside
release, Foul Play (A&M), recorded in
Jamaica, reveals a soaring voice and
some thoroughly funkificd reggae tracks.
Of course, Ja praise, ganja daze and a
faroff Rasta gaze are apparent, but
Brown's sweet tenor consistently speaks
a universal, sun-drenched language that
transcends mere parochial customs.

Smart, tart, ultramodern рор tunes
have been the New Zealand quintet Split
Enz's forte, as evidenced by a hit single,
I Got You, carlier this year. Waiata
(A&M)—which is Maori for "'joy"—adds
some new and interesting "Third World
rhythmic touches to the format, result-
ing in a slightly quirky, electronic-bush
sound. Imagine the Beatles re-forming
somewhere in the wilderness 100 miles

from Auckland. Trés intéressant pop-
rock, this.
SHORT CUTS
Perlman, Harrell, Ashkenazy / Tchaikovsky:

Piano Trio (Angel): Although Itzhak Perl-
man, Lynn Harrell and Vladimir Ash-
kenazy are each stars in thei i
the complete interpretive unity required
by chamber music is wonderfully
parent here. This is classical mu
answer to rock’s “power trio.”
One-Night Stand: A Keyboard Event (Co-

lumbia) When keyboard wizards like
Eubie Blake, Herbie Hancock, Ramsey
Lewis and Roland Hanna get it on, live,

you can definitely feel the carth move

Sylvia / Drifter (RCA): The trail-dust
"concept" gets a little thick here, but
this first album showcases an impressive
voice that could keep Crystal Gayle
honest.

Ed Bruce / One to One (MCA): The fel-
low who co-wrote Mamas, Don’t Let
Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys
sings with studdish virtuosity.

Jean-Pierre Rampal / Tartini Flute Concertos
(GBS): He doesn't play, he sings on the
flute.

The Heath Brothers / Expressions of Life
(Columbia): Ounce for ounce the most
potent family in jazz today, the brothers
here cover every base from mainstream,
straight-ahead blowing to laid-back
dance grooves.

Greg Kihn Bond / Rockihnroll (Beserkley):
Who says bar bands can't be intelligent?
Rockin' originals, along with a solid re-
tread of Tommy Кое (Sweet Little)
Sheila.

Michael Bloomfield / Living in the Fost Lone
(Waterhouse): This la bum, recorded
before his death carlier this усаг, gives
ample testimony to Bloomfield’s com-
plete and unique command of blues
and rock guitar styles,

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por cossi ‘hael Caine, Christopher Reeve
| and Dyan Cannon will star in Deathtrap,
the film adaptation of Ira Levin's long-
running Broadway thriller. Sidney Lumet
directs. . . . George C. Scott has optioned

film rights to Ladislas Farogo's The Last

Reeve Scott.

Days of Patton and plans to star in and
produce the movie as a sequel to 1970's
Oscar-winning Patton. The book covers
the last nine months of George S. Pat-
ton's life, a period in which the four-star
general was beset with bitterness.
Belushi and Dan Aykroyd will team up to
play paranoid next-door neighbors in
Zanuck-Brown’s film of Themas Berger's
novel Neighbors, John (Rocky) Avildsen
will direct from a script by Larry Gelbart.
The film adaptation will be, in the
words of the producers, "more than just
a comedy." ... James Caan and Al Pacino
are being tagged to star in United Art-
ists’ film of Vincent Patrick's The Pope of
Greenwich Village. . . . Armand Assante
will play Mike Hammer in 7, the Jury,
based on Mickey Spillane’s first novel,
D

HAIR TODAY. .. . “I'd just bought a ten-
gallon hat,” says Albert Finney. "If I'd
known they were going to do this, I
could have bought an cight-gallon опе!”
To prepare him for the role of Daddy
Warbucks in Ray Stark's production of
Annie, Finney's hairdressers had to shave
every hair from his pate. The look is
not entirely new to the young Bi
actor—in Luther, he wore a tonsure (a
ring of hair surrounding a bald dome).
The multi ion-dollar musical began

Burnett Finney

shooting in New York in late April
under the capable direction of John
Huston. ("John has the depth, insi
and panache,” says producer Stark,
make Annie a musical classic.”) Huston

has had a lot of professional help, for
the cast includes Carol Burnett as Miss
Hannigan, Tim Curry as Rooster, Berna-

dette Peters as Lily, Ann Reinking as Grace
Farrell, Geoffrey Holder as Punjab and

Aileen Quinn as Annie. As for Finney,
baldness, it seems, does have its silver
lining—recalling his clerical look
Luther, he says, “At least I got a lot of
respect in restaurants."

MUSICAL MADNESS: Song-and-dance films
flourished during the Depression, when
Americans sorely needed an escape from
the blues. Perhaps the same craving is
being perceived today, for at least half
the major studios are busily cranking
out big-budget musical fantasies. Co-
lumbia has the aforementioned Annie
and Paramount is helping bankroll
Francis Coppola's $23,000,000 Vegas fan-

Peters

tasy One from the Heart, But the most
unusual of all is MGM's Pennies from
Heaven, starring Steve Martin and Berna-
dette Peters. Contrary to some of the
publicity, Pennies is not a comedy, nor
is it a remake of Bing Crosby's 1936 film
of the same name—it’s based on play-
wright Dennis Potter's award-winning BBC.
miniseries, also titled Pennies from
Heaven. Martin plays a hapless sheet-
music salesman, a horny dreamer who
longs for life to be like the songs he
peddles. Peters plays a schoolteacher
who succumbs to Martin’s sexual over-
tures, gets pregnant by him and ends up
selling her favors on the streets of De-
pression-torn Chicago. Unlike the clean,
upbeat plots of the Thirties, this one
is both somewhat depressing and fairly
sexy (one of Martin's pet fantasies, for
example, is that his wife puts lipstick
on her nipples). The musical numbers
provide a dreamlike contrast to the
harsh reality of the characters’ lives. Oi
as writer Potter puts it, “I'd always loved
the zest of the big old musicals, but I
didn't sce why, at the same time, the
story shouldn’t be real, so that the char-
acters have real problems, real anguish.”
As for the songs themselves, they are all
original recordings of such oldies as
Let's Put Out the Lights (Rudy Vallee)

and I Want to Be Bad (Helen Kane), lip-
synced by the actors, though Martin
and Peters do all their own dance num-
bers—many of which are recreations of
Hollywood's most famous choreographic
spectaculars. Needless to say, Pennies
will go down as one of MGM's most bi-
zarre films.
.

CASTING CALL: Bob Rafelson, who directed
Jessica Lange and Jack Nicholson in The
Postman Always Rings Twice, says Jessica
Was so good in it "she'll be able to name
any part she wants in the next five to
ten years.” What role would Jessica pick?
“More than anything in the world,” she
says, "L want to play Frances Farmer. A
few years ago, I read her autobiography,
Will There Really Be a Morning?, and I
was taken by the story of this woman,
who in 1939 was a top box-office star in
Hollywood and two years later was in-
stitutionalized."

FINE LINES; Screenwriter Andrew Bergman,
whose credits include Blazing Saddles
and The In-Laws, has a pet comedic de-
е—Һе likes to take certain individ-
uals, place them in an alien environment
and watch them survive. Which is the
premise of his latest comedy, So Fine,
starring Ryan O'Neal, Jack Warden, Richard
(“Jaws”) Kiel and Italian actress Marian-
gelo Melato. O'Neal plays an English
professor who is forced to take over his
father’s ailing fashion business when

e
ү

O'Neal Melato

Pop (Warden) gets in over his head with
the Mob. Seems old Mr. Fine has bor-
rowed a large sum of money from a
gangster (Kiel) and his winter line is a
bust—he needs a smart cookie to bail
him out. Enter Ryan, who's got the
brains but doesn't know the first thing
about the garment industry. To make
matters worse, I's wife (Melato) man-
ages to fall head over heels in love with
the young prof. The flick, which pre-
mieres in October, is highlighted by two
debuts—it’s Melato's first starring role
in an American film (she has previously
appeared in three Lena Wertmuller pictures)
and Bergman's first attempt at directing.

—JOHN BLUMENTHAL

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V am a relatively well-adjusted profes-
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hered for nearly a year, Our first few
sexual adventures were mind-blasting,
and although the high passion has some-
what subsided, we are both delighted in
gratifying the other in every way. But
here is the problem: When I arouse her
to а fever pitch, she digs her nails into
my back (regardless of the position) and
draws blood. It is not much pain to
bear compared with the ecstasy of know-
ing she is out of control; and during the
winter I never worry about anyone com-
menting on my wounds. However, in
the summer, at poolside or lake shore,
the remarks are frequent. My mate
daims she docs not remember slashing
me to shreds but promises to try not to
gouge me the next time. I have told her
that I would gladly keep the scratches
and also keep the passion, but she thinks
it is improper to hurt the one she loves,
and the poolside remarks have embar-
rassed her. Any suggestions?—W. P.,
Penn Yan, New York.

Sounds like great advertising to us.
It appears that your partner's scratching
is an involuntary response to extreme
arousal. Since that is probably an un-
conscious reflex, we can only suggest that
she keep her nails trimmed as much as
possible or wear boxing gloves during
the summer,

Pease help me save face with my ten-

nis partner. Alter playing in Denver last
year and losing, I complained that the
balls seemed to be a lot livelier, I sus-
pect it was because of the high altitude
My friend seems to think I simply played
slower, from lack of oxygen for the same
reason. It won't change my score, but
just how right was D—R. P., Los An-
geles, Californi

The fact is that both of you may be
right. Atmospheric conditions affect both
humans and tennis balls. Manufacturers
make special high-altitude balls with re-
duced internal pressure to slow them
down, or even change the composition
of the rubber itself. The temperature,
100, can play a part in ball response,
which is why, at pro tournaments, ball
cans are kept in coolers at courtside to
maintain their temperature at 70 degrees

Fahrenheit, the optimum storage temper-
ature. As for the human element, it’s al-
ways a good idea to give yourself a few
days to adjust to the altitude before any
serious play and, even then, lake it slow.

According to David Reuben, M.D.,
uthor of Everything You Always Want-
ed to Know About Sex but Were Afraid
to Ask, а man can discern his lover's real
orgasms, from those she may fake, by her
nipples. He claims the female's nipples
will always become erect immediately
following orgasm. Is that true? Are there
other telltale signs that separate the
natural from the theatricalz—G. L., Ma-
con, Georgia.

Dr. Reuben's slatement may be true
in some cases, bul it is noL accurate for
every female. In some women, nipples
become erect at the time of sexual arous-
al, regardless of whether or not orgasm
is reached. There are no perfectly fool-
proof telltale signs that reveal the au-
thenticity (or lack thereof) of orgasm. If
you really know your partner and. have
open and honest communication, there
should be no reason for faking and no
room for doubt,

V recently purchased an expensive stereo
system that consists of a preamp, amp,
tuner, cassette deck, turntable and r
mote control. For some reason, the
preamp's Tare-out bypasses the preamp
controls (eg, bass, treble, mono, filter

thus preventing me from recording with
the sound quality 1 desire. Is there any
way to correct this without degrading the
quality2—T. P., San Diego, California

It is normal for the preamp's TAPE-OUT
connections to bypass all the tone con-
trols and filters in the preamp. The
reason for that is to record as flat a sig-
nal as possible. The tone control and
filtering, if needed, always can be intro-
duced when playing back the tape. If
you want to deliberately introduce these
controls into the tape being recorded,
connect the preamp's output to the
lape deck’s ТАРЕАХ. The sound quality
should not be reduced because of this
hookup, but note that you will be able
to influence the recorded sound readily
by using all. the controls.

Miter reading your request for com-
ments on the style of fellatio, I finally
gathered enough courage to write (not
that I think you will publish it). I agree
with what you said about attitudes, since
this plays as much of an important role as
do true emotion and the openness of
the couple involved. When you combine
those qualities with a truly polished tech-
nique, you can't fail. It is very important
to become fully aware of your part-
ner's body. Know what he likes, where
he likes it to be touched, kissed, caressed,
squeezed, licked and biten. ‘This is
achieved by spending as much time as
possible in bed together, just feeling
each other in a lazy sort of way. After
you feel confident that you know some
of the things he likes, do them. I enjoy
kissing the inside of his thighs first and
moving upward to the groin. He likes
me to trace a line with my tongue from
his groin, under his balls to his back.
When I tease the anal opening with
my tongue, going in and out, then

quickly move away, it drives him crazy.
His decp inhibition and the tightening

of his abdominal muscles make me know
he really is enjoying it, so I enjoy it and
want to continue. I enjoy running my
tongue from the base of the penis to the
tip on all sides, then teasing the head
by making circular motions around the
glans with my tongue tip. Then, when
he least expects it, I dive down the full
length of the shaft and suck like crazy,
moving my head around and up and
down, so that he gets two or three move
ments at once. By then, I am so over-
flowing with my own juices I find that I
like pulling his leg closest to me right
up between my thighs and slowly hunch
ing. He gets the message and moves his
leg slowly back and forth while he
reaches down and flicks my nipple and
squeezes my breast. If I am between his
legs, facing him, I can suck and massage
his penis with my tongue in a way that,

PLAYBOY

should I choose to, I can make him have
an orgasm whether he's ready or not.
(10% really hard to explain it; you just
have to be there.) Then І sı
his juices and reach for a di
he recovers.

Another thing we have discovered is
that if he enters me almost immediately
afterward. h he often does beca
I am squirming so violently by then,
he can have a second orgasm in a very
short time, with no recovery period
needed. 1 think it is partly because he
recognizes my needs and wants to satisfy
me, and partly because I keep my vaginal
muscles in such good shape that T can
create such a suction that I can drain
him dry. He says I'm like a 14-year-old
virgin, even though I am 30 and have a
child. What I am really trying to say is
that, in my opinion, successful fellatio
or cunnilingus, for that matter, takes
some homework. Thanks for the oppor-
tunity to write, and we love your maga-
zine.—Miss N. M., Milledgeville, Georgia.

Ahem. Thanks. We needed that.

ММ... can you tell me about the rub-
ber suits and the special-material jogging
suits that are ined to be effective in
ht conuol? Do they really work?—
J- К. Berkeley, California.

According to Thomas D. Fahey, di-
rector of the De Anza Exercise Physiol-
ogy Laboratory, such suits are a waste of
time. “There ave three components of
your body composition that can account
for changes in body weight: (1) body fat,
(2) muscle mass and (3) body fluids. Rub-
ber suits cause you to increase your
sweat rate. You will lose weight, but it’s
water weight. Your body closely regu-
lates its fluid balance. As soon as you
drink some water, the weight will go
right back on. Work on your fat, not on
your fluid balance. Altering your body
fluids trying to lose weight is foolish
and potentially dangerous. Dehydration
may lead to heat stroke or heat exhaus-
tion. You may also develop an electro-
lyte imbalance that could affect your
heart’s ability to beat, or bring about
severe muscle cramps.” Enough said.

M have been reading lately that some
men are sexually excited to a great de-
gree by secing thei es have inter-
course with other men. I myself have
had this fantasy for some years: seeing
my wife being fondled and fucked by
another man. It excites me greatly and
I haven't the slightest feeling of jealousy-
I have told my wile about this and she
has not been disturbed or upset in any
wi In fact, shc has told me of her
own occasional fantasy of being gang-
raped. Also, 1 do not have any desire
to have intercourse with some other
woman. I have these few questions: (1) Is
such a fantasy psychologically abnormal?

(2) What are the psychological dynam-
ics underlying such a fantasy? (3) Are
such fantasies rare or relatively common?
I will be very appreciative of any infor-
mation that you may be able to pro-
vide.—T. C., Lake Charles, Louisiana.

The fact is that your fantasies are nor-
mal and, for that matter, healthy. Many
women, for instance, are aroused by fan-
lasies of sexual assault. However, fanta-
sies ате highly personal and are not
evidence of a desire to have their content
acted out in real life. The best interpr
tation we've heard for both fantasies
inzolues sexual worth or desirability.
When you fantasize that your wife is
with another man, it confirms your own
opinion of her—that she is desirable. A
woman who finds herself the subject of a
crowd is probably experiencing the same
thing—a sense of vast appeal. Pop goes
the psychology. We think the fact that
you and your wife have shared your per-
sonal fantasies with each other speaks
well for the strength of your relation-
ship.

V wouldn't say E have a problem, but
there is something I wonder about. My
boyfriend has a very strong liking for my
panty hose and panties. He wears them
once in a while when we have sex. This
doesn’t bother me at all; in fact, I enjoy
it. He says, “You look so sexy in ther
and I like the feel of them myself.
Could you tell me why he likes them so
much and if he does really have a prob-
lem s C. J., Detroit, Michigan.

This is a fairly common sexual turn-
on. One psychologist suggests that it may
be a "symbolic attempt to get into your
pants,” to experience what it's like to be
inside out there. In short, it’s just an-
other form of penetration. If Joc Na-
math can get away wilh it on TV, why
not your friend?

О. a wip to Toronto, I noticed that
in Canada, the airportsecurity signs
warn travelers that photographic film
may be damaged by the X-ray devi
used to screen carry-on luggage. I've
never 1 a similar warning in U.S.
irports. Does that mean I don't have to
worry, or is it a case of the Government
bureaucracy in inaction?—F. C., Pius-
burgh, Pennsylvania.

We suspect the latter. A group of con-
cerned photographers has formed a Com-
mittee for New U.S. Airport Signs. They
feel that there is clear evidence that
airport X rays can cause film degrada-
tion. One study concluded, “If you carry
100 rolls of film, your chances are that
17 will be fogged at least enough to
lower their quality below professional
standards. It may not happen at all, or
your film could get zapped the first time
through.” A spokesman for Kodak, how-
ever, said the effect is cumulative, A
photographer who carried a roll through

five X-ray checks (at U.S. levels) would
nolice a loss of quality. We don't feel
you should wait for the Government to
move. You can carry your film in lead
pouches designed for the purpose, or
you can leave film in regular baggage on
domestic flights, which is not subjected
to X-ray search. On international flights,
your baggage is X-rayed, and if the se-
curity agent can't sce what's inside your
lead pouch, he'll turn up the X-ray dose
until he can—and the result is fried
film. If you carry film through security,
ask for a visual inspection. PLAYBOY
photographers ship unexposed film in
regular luggage but always hand-carry
exposed film. Of course, if you had some
of the images on your film that we have
on our film, you'd be careful, too.

Once a month, my girlfriend finds
lovemaking intolerable. She has cramps
during her period that are so painful,
she is often paralyzed. She doesn't like
to be touched, saying that her breasts
also feel sore. Is this normal? Is there
anything I can do to help?—M. C, Mad-
ison, Wisconsin.

A recent article in Medical Self-Care
suggests the following: “Try to discuss
how a lover feels about making love pre-
menstrually or during her period. Some
women prefer not to—pain or edema
can interfere with the undivided atten-
tion lovemaking deserves. On the other
hand, some women say lovemaking right
before the start of menstruation, or dur-
ing it, helps alleviate cramps. During 0i
gasm, ihe uterus contracts and the cervi:
opens. This helps speed menstrual flow
and reduces the duration of cramps in
some women. Men should bear in mind,
however, that this is а minority experi-
ence among women." For ycars, doctors
have dismissed menstrual pain as psy-
chosomatic, telling patients to lake a few
aspirins, ete. Unfortunately, aspirin
doesn't work. However, in the past year,
research teams have discovered a physi-
cal cause. A Gornell University Medical
College team found that certain non-
steroidal antiinflammatory drugs used
to treat arthritis give good to complete
relief of menstrual pain in 80 percent of
the cases. The drugs cited were Motrin
(generic name ibuprofen), Апарт
Ponstel and Indocin. Have your partner
check with her doctor for more informa
lion.

All reasonable questions—from fash-
ion, food and drink, stereo and sports cars
to dating dilemmas, taste and etiquette—
ill be personally answered if the writer
includes a stamped, self-addressed en-
velope. Send all letters to The Playboy
Advisor, Playboy Building, 919 N. Michi-
gan Avenue, Chicago, Illinois 60611. The
most provocative, pertinent queries will
be presented on these pages each month.

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THE PLAYBOY FORUM

a continuing dialog on contemporary issues between playboy and its readers

CONSENTING CAPITALISTS
When reading both PLAYBOY and these
letters to the editor, I find an amazing
double standard. How is it that one can
claim freedom for oneself in the bed-
room and, at the same time, deny fr
dom for others in the market place? One
would expect rLayuoy and its readers to
be the champions of both the ethics and
the economics of laissez faire, not defend-
ers of one and antagonists of the other.
In any case, the all-important ethic
question remains: Are capitalist acts be-
tween consenting adults permissible or
not? And if not, why not?
Bart Kosko
Los Angeles, California
Nobody's been arguing against capi-
talism in these pages, but we'll give you
credit for a clever line.

HUMAN RIGHTS

How refreshing it is these days to
have our politicians squabbling over
economic reforms instead of lecturing
us with high-minded moralizing on “hu-
man rights especially in regard to
foreign countries. Let the Pope preach
about such things so he'll get his mind
off sex for a while, and let our leaders
get to work on practical matters. This
country failed badly enough in its mis-
guided ellorts to be the “policeman of
the world"; it then proceeded to become
ludicrous the "conscence of the
with Carter nagging at the Rus-
sians and fussing at some of our own
i and economic allies for their
iencies. All around the world,
tyrants great and small, friendly and
otherwise, must have looked at one am:
other and stopped their own feudin;
long enough to ask, "Is that guy nut

Everyone but Carter could pretty vividly
recall how carefully American cops and
Federal agents and CIA spies respected

human rights in the years before Carter
donned his preacher's robe and the
country came apart at the seams
Civil rights and civil liberties are
specific and enforceable legal concepts;
and even then, such laws are not the
basis for pragmatic foreign policy.
"Human rights" is nothing more than
rhetorical bullshit. If Reagan screws up,
it won't be because of human right
cousness but because he rightly thinks
God's on the side of the big battalions
but wrongly thinks God wants to kick
Communist ass
(Name withheld by request)

Fairfax, Virginia

666

After reading all the letters in recent
issues commenting on President Reagan's
new regime in Washington, it occurred
to me that Ronald Wilsc an has
six letters in each name and there's a
Biblical reference to the number 666
referring to the Antichrist. I personally
don't think the President is the Anti-
christ, and so far he seems to be doing
a pretty good job, but I thought this
discovery might get some of your readers
going.

L. Nebistinsky
Pottsville, Pennsylvania
No doubt. Let's see what the new
moral right makes of this.

“Are capitalist acts
between consenting adults
permissible or not?”

MAKING THE GRADE

Allow me to share the findings of
Anthony Pietropinto and Jacqueline
Simenauer in their book, Beyond the
Male Myth, which reports some rather
inuiguing correlations between cduca-
tion and the male orgasm. "Those who
delayed until the woman had orgasm.
they say, "were found most often in the
high-achievement groups: income of
$25,000 or more, postgraduate educa-
tion and professional occupational st
tus.” There's more. “The percentage of
those who did not delay was twice as

great for those without high school de-
grees as for those at the postgraduate
level

‘This starts to hint at the true value of
a college education.

If the average bachelor's degree costs
roughly $30,000 and our educated lover
is good for an extra three minutes, well,
that degree becomes worth about $10,030
a sexual minute.

Although this is important informa-
tion, such research is regrettably incom-
plete. For instance, the authors don't
bother to show us how four years at a
state college compares with four years
a private institution. Furthermore, they
"t mention which majors are able to
y the longest. So how can today's
college students rationally choose an
academic plan without all of the facts? If
it was sc philos-
ophy major was good for two minutes
more than a zoology major, undergrads
just might rethink their educational
goals.

"There are other blatant deficiencies
in the report. The authors didn't re-
search the delaying abilities of different
schools. If a young man wants to know
which school he should choose, he needs
to know whether or not the Big Ten
really can give him an extra three min-
utes over the Pac Ten. And what about
the Ivy League?

To fill the voids in this research and
settle this issue once and for all, 1 would
like to suggest that all major universities
recruit “delay teams.” Those teams could
shoot (ог not shoot) for conference ho:
ors, regional titles and a national cham-
pionship. Imagine the crowds and the
excitement on New Years Day, when the
top two teams in the nation are com-
peting in the Delay Bowl in Climax,
Michigan.

entifically proved that

Howard Bragman
Chicago, Illinois

TAKEN TO TASK

PLAYBOY'S periodic attempts to differ-
entiate between pornography and crotica
don’t wash. Procter & Gamble and World
Airways plished legal precedents
when those corporations, which repre
sent the establishment, fired employecs
for moonlighting as nude models.

Also, rLavuoy's friend Art Buchwald
should be well aware that oil-producing
Islamic countries have had no difficulty
in defining pornography, and that the
opinions of men with even more power

PLAYBOY

than pLaysoy are the law of the world.
If Ptaynoy really believes in the First
Amendment, I dare it to publish oppo-
nents not as brilliant as Hugh Hefner,
who isa public-relations genius
Incidentally, I admire both Tom Sny-
der and Phyllis Schlafly, who are bril-
liant, if sometimes overbearing. Those
ve and negative qualities are the
of leadership. Besides, controversy
what makes America so great and

Charles Tompkins
Belmont, Massachusetts
We'll try to be equally concise. and
confusing. The moonlighting cases you
cite involued contract law, not obscenity
law. If you admire Islamic definitions of
pornography, what would you consider
an intelligent article on the subject?
Your flattery of Hef as а public-rela-
tions genius and of PLAYBOY as a world
power is, of course, only partly justified.
Only your First Amendment accusation
hurts; we've published opponents rang-
ing from the late George Lincoln Rock-
well lo Anita Bryant and regularly
publish our critics (sce our February in-
lerview with Tom Snyder). We presented
a Hugh M. Hefner First Amendment
Award to one of our feminist opponents,
and Phyllis Schlafly, incidentally, refused
our offer of a “Playboy Interview."

FEAR OF FLYING

In your Forum Newsfront, you
quote an article in The Journal of
the American Medical Association. con-
cerning the risks to women with silicone
breast implants. The article suggests
that decompression at 30,000 feet could
cause the implants to triple in size.

That is incorrect. Even such drastic

changes in pressure should have almost
no effect on silicone implants and the
statement in the Journal was based on
n uninformed premise.
Please reassure your readers that sil-
icone breast implants are essentially un-
affected by any change in altitude or
pressure. I would not wish to see the
already troubled airline industry crip-
pled by having the hundreds of thou
sands of women who have had such
operations develop an unnecessary “fear
of flying.”

Garry S. Brody, M.D.
Downey, California

“PARAMOUR LAW”

The press and the public have long
been fascinated by Texas’ so-called par-
amour law, which supposedly permits a
cuckolded husband to kill his wife's
lover if he catches them in the act. This,
of course, is a myth, like so many other
things about Texas. There is no such stat-
ute on the books. As a practical matter,
however, it does exist in the minds of
jurors, as evidenced by a recent case here
in Houston. A Harris County grand jury

FORUM NEWSFRONT

what’s happening in the sexual and social arenas

CRIME AND HEROIN

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Heroin addiction
and crime may be cven more closely
linked than previously believed. Ac-
cording to a Federally financed study
by researchers at Temple University in
Philadelphia and the University of
Maryland School of Medicine, 237 ad-
dicts were responsible for committing
more than 500,000 crimes during an
H-ycar period. The subjects’ addiction
was nol continuous, the study found,
and their crime vate was 84 percent
lower when they were not dependent

on the drug. The addicts were a ran-
dom sample of those arrested by Balti-
more police from 1952 to 1971, and the
survey found that, contrary to previous
supposition, some 40 percent had car-
ried weapons while committing crimes.

In Chicago, a Sun-Times newspaper
survey of Cook County law-enforce-
ment officials reports estimates that 80
percent of "serious" crime in Cook
County is drug-related.

WAR ON DRUGS

row, v.c—Bills have been
introduced in both houses of Congress
that would permit the use of U. S. mili-
tary forces to help combat drug smug-
gling. The proposed legislation would
override an 1876 posse comitatus law
that prohibits the military from carry-
ing out domestic law-enforcement ac-
tivities. The intent of the original law
was to prevent the establishment of a
Federal military police force operating
inside the U.S.

WASH

CRIME OF PASSION

MARIETTA, GEORGIA—A county supe-
riorcourt jury has acquitted a local
resident of murdering an 18-year-old
youth with whom his daughter was evi-
dently having oral intercourse in a car
parked near their house. The father
testified that he found the victim with
his pants unzipped and his penis ex-
posed and “just went berserk.” The
prosecutor said the man had a 12-gauge
shotgun and took “a cold-blooded,
calculated shot inio the part of the boy
which [he] saw and thought was the
source of the problem.” The trial lasted
two days and a jury of nine men and
three women deliberated three hours
before returning a verdict of not guilty.

DOUBLE WHAMMY

WASHINGTON, D.C—The U. S. Supreme
Court has unanimously ruled. that in-
dividuals convicted of conspiracies to
import and distribute marijuana can
be sentenced to separate, consecutive
prison terms for the importation and
distribution offenses without violating
the constitutional prohibition against
double jeopardy. Concurring in the de-
cision, three Justices raised objections
to what they considered the decision’s
sweeping language.

NEW DIMENSIONS

INDIANAPOLIS The Indiana Court of
Appeals has ruled that a doctor com-
milled a breach of contract when he
gave large-size breast implants to a pa-
tient who had requested a size medium,
but that the patient failed to prove
damages or that the implants made her
breasts disproportional to the size of
her body. On the legal point of how
large is large, the court determined it
to be 300 cubic centimeters by volume
and 11 by I2 centimeters by arca.

THE GAY CABALLEROS

CARSON Crrv—Nevada Governor Bob
List acknowledged that he didn't much
like the idea of the National Gay Ro-
deo's being held in Reno but added
that his lieutenant governor, Myron E.
Leavitt, was out of line in calling the
homosexuals queers and saying they
should “go somewhere like California.”
Stale officials have opposed renting the
state fairgrounds lo the Comstock Gay
Rodeo Association on the ground that
a gay rodeo is “bad PR for the city and
the state.”

LEGAL LOOPHOLE
SANTA FE—New Mexico Governor

Bruce King has closed a loophole in
the state's indecent-dancing law that
prohibited women from exposing their
“breasts"—plural. A county district at-

torney inspired an amendment by
complaining that dancers had been
complying with the letter of the law
but not its spirit by revealing only one
breast at а lime. The revised statute
extends the definition of indecency to
include the word breast—singular.

MEDICINAL MARIJUANA

SPOKANE, WASHINGTON—}n only the
second decision of its kind, a Spokane
superior court has ruled that a 31-year-
old muliiple-sclerosis patient could not
be convicted of the crime of cultivating
marijuana because he did so out of
medical necessity. The defendant was
arrested in 1977 for growing his own
pot, but a state appeals court voided
the conviction on the ground that
medical necessity was a walid defense
that had not been raised at the jury
trial and that the lower court should
retry the case, During the second trial,
testimony of experts established that
marijuana was medically beneficial to
M.S. victims and that promises of the
Federal Government lo make mari-
juana available for such purposes have
never been fulfilled, In 1976, Washing-
ton, D.C., schoolteacher Robert Ran-
dall successfully argued he needed
marijuana to postpone blindness from
glaucoma. Randall became the first
U. S. citizen legally authorized to ob-
tain and use pot, and is now the presi-
dent of the Alliance for Cannabis
Therapeutics (ACT), which supported
the M.S. case in Spokane. Randall
calls the continuing Federal resistance

to the medical use of marijuana an “ir
rational, discredited policy which the
state legislatures have repudiated and
the courts will not uphold.” Since 1978,
26 states have authorized the medical
use of marijuana, but Federal red tape
has generally prevented doctors from
obtaining the drug.

Meanwhile, a 34-year-old. physician
in North Carolina was found guilty of
illegally growing marijuana, even
though state law permits its use in
treatment of cancer patients. Dr. Gor-
don Piland of Manteo testified that he
had such a patient in serious need of
the drug and did not go through legal
channels because of the bureaucratic
obstacles. He was convicted on the
charge of cullivation, and for each of
110 pot planis was sentenced to one
hour in jail, one hour of public service
anda ten-dollar fine.

SEE NO EVIL

SAN FRANCISCO—The estimated value
of Mendocino Countys illegal mari-
juana harvest in 1980 has been ex-
cluded from the annual crop report.
County agriculture commissioner Ted
Eriksen upset various officials and agen-
cies by including the pot crop in
his 1979 report and placing its value at
$90,000,000, second only to lumber. He
defended his action at the time by say-
ing that a crop is a crop, legal or not,
when it profoundly affects the local
economy. This year, he was ordered by
his superiors 10 stay off the grass and
report only the county's lawful agri-
cultural products.

WEDDING SHOWER

TOWN CREEK, ALAHAMA—A 62-year-old
doctor's wedding plans were temporar-
ily interrupted when his former wife
tarred and feathered his bride to be.
The sheriff reported that the bride-
groom's ex-spouse of 30 years and her
sister held the woman at gunpoint, cut
off her waistlength hair, applied tar
and feathers to the upper half of her
body and drove her to a local dump,
where they shoved her out of the car.
The attackers were charged with first-
degree burglary, second-degree kid-
naping and third-degree assault. The
arrested ex later told reporters that she
merely had done “justice to the bride.”
The sheriff said that the incident was
“something out of the horse-and-buggy
days.” The doctor commented, “Today
was а bad day,” and put off the wed-
ding from a Tuesday to a Thursday.

MATTER OF DEFINITION
NEW YORK crry—A woman cannot
compel her boyfriend to pay for her
abortion, a Manhattan Family Court

judge has ruled. In rejecting the wom-
an's lawsuit, the judge held that while
state law may entitle a mother to re-
cover from an illegitimate child's father
the expenses related to the pregnancy,
the parties did not qualify as either
mother or father, because no child had
been born.

RIGHT TO LIFE

VATICAN crry—Pope John Paul IH is
now taking issue with medical technol-
ogy that permits doctors to determine
if a fetus still in the womb is mal-
formed, unhealthy or otherwise defec-
live. A nine-page Vatican document
criticizes amniocentesis, ultrasound

scanning and chromosome analysis as
scientific developments that can diag-
nose Mongolism, hydrocephalia and
hemophilia carly enough that a preg-
nant woman might choose to undergo
abortion. The document put it this

way: "The impossibility at present of
providing a remedy for [birth defects}
by medical means has led some lo pro-
pose and even to practice the suppres-
sion of the fetus. This conduct springs
from an attitude of pseudo humanism
that compromises the ethical order of
objective values and must be rejected
by upright consciences.”

CHEAP THRILLS

ZEPHYRHILLS, FLORIDA—A 79-year-old
amateur radio operator was found un-
conscious in his workshop under «
cumstances that a puzzled sheriff's
department could only ascribe to
accidental electrical. shock. Deputies
called to the scene reported that the
victim had an “unusual device" at-
tached to his penis and connected to
his transmitter by way of a voltage-
controlling rheostat.

PLAYBOY

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Its called print-through.

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to your listening.

It happens on tape that has low
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anecho.

At Maxell, we've designed our
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ITS WORTH П.

PLAYBOY

(A public service of the Liquor Industry and this Publication.)

your whistle

but dont
drown it.

Don’t drink too much of a good thing.
The Distilled Spirits Council of the United States.

1300 Pennsylvania Building, Washington, D.C. 20004

refused to indict a husband who shot
and killed a man he caught. ing love
to his wife one day when he came home
early from work to watch a Houston
Astros play-off game. The defense attor-
ney's argument should not be taken too
literall He claimed that the wife
couldn’ t testify against her husband and
the ofly other witness was dead, so his
client was innocent as a matter of law.
Certainly, there would have been more
than enough circumstantial evidence to
indict and very likely to convict. So I
believe we can say that the “paramour
law" does still protect cuckolded hus-
bands in "Texas, at least if they're Astro
fans during baseball season.

Steve Lukingbeal

Attorney at Law

Houston, Texas

OBJECTION NOTED

Although Forum Newsfront is usually
unbiased and entertaining journalism,
your item titled “Minimizing Si in
the May issue is rather shoddy. The first
sentence states: “A two-year survey of
abortion patients at three clinics re-
vealed that 66 percent were Catholic
women , . . who had elected to abort
their pregnancies rather than ‘sin re-
peatedly by using birth control:

Here, you give the percentage of abor-
tion patients at three clinics who are
Catholic, but nowhere in the article do
you actually quantify the number of
tholic women who used that flimsy
line of reasoning. Instead, this sentence
has the audacity to suggest that abor-
tionseeking Catholic women in general
believe that abortion is less of a sin than
birth control. This insinuation is both
unsubstantiated and probably untrue.
Furthermore, the fact that two thirds of.
the women secking abortions at three
clinics are Catholic does not necessarily
reflect the attitude of Catholic women
toward birth control. It is much more
likely that the clinics are in areas with
a large Catholic population. Thus, the
article omits important substantiating
evidence while including insignificant,
slanted information.

William A. Heisel, Jr.
Ann Arbor, Michigan

You should have gone on to read the
second sentence, which states that the
study involved 1162 abortion paticnis, 66
percent of whom (our pocket calculator
tells us) would be 767. The Catholic
population of the area, according to the
survey, is 35 percent. We do agree on
one point: The reasoning is flimsy.

VICIOUS CIRCLE

I am writing in response to the woman
from Nebraska who challenged PLaysoy's
defense of publicly funded abortions
(The Playboy Forum, March).

I have had the experience of worki
in the gynecology ward of a hospital

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PLAYBOY

located а lower-income, Spanish-
speaking area of Southern Californ
This may be hard to believe, but many
a woman who passes through there liter-
ally doesn't know her uterus from her
elbow and couldn't tell you where a
baby comes from if her life depended
on it, and it frequently docs.

Certainly, birth-control information is
available, but it doesn’t do much for
women who can barely read or write
their own language, much less English.
Many have never conferred with a doc-
tor about birth control, and many live

with Catholic parents who would liter-
ally rather drop dead than discuss sex
or contraception. The subject is taboo.

Promiscuity is not the problem here;
ignorance is.

(Name withheld by request)
Goleta, California

FETAL FOLLY

I believe that I have found a compro-
mise solution to the unending controver-
sy between the rightto-life advocates
and the pro-choice, individual-rights
advocates.

x «gt Pers

Some of those same folks who have
always tried so hard to take the fun
out of sex and reduce it to biological
procreation are beginning to have
second thoughts, to wonder if they've
been missing out on something. Or so
seems, ir the new flood of born-
again sex manuals is any indication.
Unless you frequent fundamentalist
bookstores, you may not have caught
sight of titles such as Sex for Chris-
tians, by Lewis Smedes, and Intended
for Pleasure, by Ed and Gaye Wheat.
Tim LaHaye (of the Moral Majority)
has written classics on everything
from Noah’s ark to the impending
end of the world, from fundamen-
talist psychology to the dangers of
humanism. Now he's added
achievements a sex manual
titled The Act of Marviage. Charlie

(not Charles, please note) Shedd fol-

lows a series of edifying works such as
The Exciting Church Where People
Really Pray with his new Celebration
in the Bedroom. Huh?

Have the born-again Chris
changed their tune? Or only some of
the lyric? In these puzzling books,
we find many of the familiar marks of
evangelical excess. The traditional
Bible ations and evangelical
peals scarcely conceal the sanctified
superrace mentality typical of Jerry
Falwell and his brethren, who are
smart enough to underst
propaganda. We are told, for in-
stance, that nobody does it better
than evangelicals. Yes, according to
. Christians are considerably
satisfied with their love life than
non-Christians. And did you know
that the Bible prophetically recom-
mended foreplay long before Masters
nd Johnson ever heard of it? Hal-

Al 1, Shedd tells us,
ans should be society's most.

forum follies
BORN-AGAIN SEX |

By ROBERT PRICE

liberated people, the super celebra-
tors of sex.”

Actually, they don’t seem all thar
liberated, and they're pretty selective
in what they celebrate. All of the
books frown on, even forbid outright,
masturbation. Any that mention por-
nography rule it out, period. Sur-
risingly, oral sex is considered ОК;
so is contraception. Believe it or not,
Smedes and Shedd are willing to
tolerate mild forms of transvestism
and even sadomasochism! Shedd gets
carried away with himself and will
allow his readers to indulge in anal
sex, vibrators and (read this in a
whisper) “dirty language.”

However, none of the saintly s
ologists will put up with premari-
tal anything, except for Smedes, and
he still d he line at intercourse.
He concedes only te 1 there are de-
grees of romantic love short of m.
riage that can be expressed through
what he calls “responsible pettinj
Building character through torture
seems to be the principle here.

Still, it's beginning to look like
even the born-again Christians im-
plicitly regard Biblical taboos as a
camp to their style. It used to be
that fundamentalists were so down
on sex that they wouldn't do
thing Scripture didn't command them
to do. But dig the change: Whatever

ly permissible, so go to

it! Using your
ment, of cou

own good moral judg-
€, and screeching to a
halt at the first “Thou shalt not.”

For all their inconsistencies, the
born-again sex manuals do signal at
least some kind of sexual loosening
up among fundamentalists, who are
leaping like lawyers through loop-
holes in God's moral laws. Can some-
body say amen?

The solution is simply to form a
registry of all righttodifers. When a
woman became pregnant and chose an
abortion, she would have chosen for her,
by lottery, a set of adoptive parents from
the right-to-life registrant:

That set of parents would then adopt

the child upon its birth, regardless of
race, religion or physical condition. In
addition, they would be responsible for

all pre- and postnatal care for the preg-
nant woman. Of course, they would also
incur all costs for maternity clothing,
time lost from work and any incon-
venience caused by the unwanted preg
nancy. The adoptive parents would love,
clothe, educate and totally care for the
child until the age of 18 as though it
were their natural child.

The rightto-life advocates shouldn't
mind the mandatory aspect of this sol
n, since they are trying to make child-
birth mandatory.

Statistics prove conclusively that un
wanted children tend to have and to
cause many more social problems the
rest of their lives. Such children also
are beaten, abused and neglected more
often. In addition, they frequently end
up the recipients of various Federal, state
and local government-wellare subsidies.

While the rightto-lifers rant about
murder and genocide, I have yet to hear
one state that he or she would be
to raise an unwanted child to pr:
becoming a misfit or a public charge.

If a woman is not allowed the frec-
dom to determine whether or not to
have a child—the freedom of control
over her physical being—then woe
have no rights whatsoever. And it won't
be long before men are in the same

A child means not just nine months of
gestation but 18 years of responsibility
for another's life. Abortion is not birth
control. But until all boys and girls un-
derstand before puberty how and why
not to have a child, unwanted preg
nancies will occur.

Penelope S. Rice

Columbia, Maryland

We agree with your position, but it
reminds us that the abortion issue con
stantly bogs down in semantics and prop-
aganda, missing the real point of
disagreement between equally righteous
foes and defenders of either “human
rights” or “baby murder.” That point
seems to be: Is the purpose of human
sex pleasure or procreation? Does ter-
minating a pregnancy violate some na-
tural or supernatural law, or does it
only reaffirm the (either natural or super-
natural) differences between mankind
and animals? Thoughtful, goodavilled,
intelligent people can forcefully argue
from either premise; but they should
search their minds as honestly as possible
to determine just why they take the posi-
tion they do and recognize their own

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premise for what it is—cither theological
or secular. The position rLaysoy lakes
on the issue of abortion is a very simple
one: Do not make il a crime. Thats
the same position we lake on some other
complicated social and moral issues, and.
we don't think it's unreasonable or par-
ticularly radical.

USING THE STATE

The Catholic Church has taken its
hardline position for ages: Abortion is
a sin. Now, encouraged by the vituper:
tion from the fundamentalist right that
lends energy to the cause, the Church
has turned up the volume. Celibate
bishops glibly recite the law to Catholic
women. Those same women, every rep-
utable study tells us, disregard the or-
der, in overwhelming percentages. If the
Church cannot inspire its loyalists
through faith, that faith may be
need of revision. But since revisionism
seems to be as sinful as abortion, change
unlikely. What the Church is attempt-
ing to do today is to ask the state to
legislate its own concept of morality, to
cover for its failure to motivate. If that
is not an issue of church and state,
what is?

(Name withheld by request)
Butte, Montana

RIGHT TO CHOOSE

Our latest survey of New York State
residents indicates that older people may
not be nearly as Victorian on the
subject of abortion as many have be-
lieved. We asked the acid-test question
abortion. ch A woman should
e the right to decide when and
whether or not she wants children, even
if that means having an abortion—agree
or disagree?” Of those questioned, 63
percent agrecd with the statement, 54
percent. disagreed and, of course, there
was the anchorite three percent who
thought about it a long time and said
they didn't know. When the study divid-
ed this response into age groups, the
stereotype of the older anti-abortion
stance was disproved. "The 5040:60-усаг
ge group and the over-60 group both
registered 66 percent agreement with the
pro-choice position, putting them at the
high end of the 63 percent majority
average [or all groups. Perhaps that
should not come as such a surprise if
we remeniber that these age groups lived.
through the period of American history
when abortions were both illegal and
medically dangerous.

The study was conducted by Penn and
Schoen Associates for P.P.N.Y.C. this
past February and 804 interviews were
conducted among equal numbers of
en and women respondents selected at
random from all areas of the state.

Charles Valenza
Planned Parenthood of
New York City
w York, New York

OL’ SMOKEY

In the April 1980 issue, The Playboy
Forum published a report on Eal Henry
Smokey" Burris, Arizona's oldest and
most irascible pothead, who was sen-
tenced to the state pen at the age of 66
for adamantly insisting on growing his
own killer weed and vociferously telling
the flustered and frustrated authorities to
shove their laws where the sun don't
shine, Since then, an artide in The Ari-
zona Republic reported that Smokey’s
health has been failing and that he’s
been released on a medical furlough to
a halfway house, probably to be paroled
to his home in Oatman for what time
he has left in this world.

The article also indicates that 1 have
been quite wrong in my belief that the

as demonstrated th

tion through confinement works wonders.
Burris went to the slammer hooked on
marijuana and, for many months, suc
ceeded in staying stoned on contraband
Cannabis—spending $7000 at $10 a joint
while in the joint—he claims with pride.
But that can be seen as merely the cost
of withdrawal, for upon his release
Smokey has advised the press that he
no longer is smoking pot. No, indeed.
He announced that in prison he dis-
covered cocaine to be a far superior
euphoric and has kicked the pot habit
for good. Strictly coke from now on, says
smokey.

"That's real progress. I guess if Smokey
decides to kick cocaine, he can request
more prison time and graduate to heroin,
the next likely step in the prison ri
habilitation process.

Lake Headley
Phoenix, Arizona
Burris sent us the above photo shortly
after reaching the halfway house in
Phoenix. His accompanying note did not,
in fact, display a deep sense of repentance
or demonstrate much of what penologists
would call rehabilitation.

MORAL MONSTROSITY
The Indiana Moi Majority is lob-
bying against the state's child- protection
laws so more corporal punishment can
be used in accordance with Bi al
principles of using the rod on spoiled
kids, Our infamous local newspaper
columnist Mike Royko did quite a num-
ber on this subject and one of his
readers responded with the following
explanation of the M.M.'s cleverness
that | think deserves repeating: “By
doing away with child-abuse Iaws and,
at the same time, declaring all abor-
tions illegal, they can remain риге
the eyes of God while unwanted chi
dren are simply beaten to death.”
Don Adams
Chicago, Illinois

BACK TO THE CLOSET

On the issue of prayers in public
schools and public piety in general, the
TV evangelists should turn to the Bibl

"And when thou prayest, thou shalt
not be as the hypocrites are; for they
love to pray standing in the synagogs
and at the corners of the streets, that
they may be seen by men. Verily I say
unto you, they have their reward.

“But thou, when thou prayest, enter
into thy room, and when thou hast shut
thy door, pray to thy Father, who is
secret; and thy Father, who seeth in
secret, shall reward thee openly.

Jesus said that in Matthew 6:5 and 6:6.
And I agree.

Clifton W. Seago
Bieber, California

BACK TO BASICS

While some have nothi:

ng better to do
than concern themselves with the esc:
ing military crisis El Salvador,
rising inflation and unemployment, spi-
raling interest and mortgage rates and
Russian invasions, it’s reassuring to know
that some people like myself and a pre-
cious few others contemplate those issues
that truly do stand to make a difference
in the eternal scheme of things. (Whew!)
An example of such an issue is this
Whatever shall become of the “cunt hair
with the advent of the metric system?
Mike Mercado
Sunrise, Florid
For readers not familar with this lam-
entably common engineering vulgarism,
we'll explain that it’s a very small unit
of measurement, as in “just a cunt hair
oversize.” We can only submit this prob-
lem to our readership and cringingly
await suggestions.

“The Playboy Forum" offers the
Opportunity for an extended dialog
between readers and editors of this
publication on contemporary issues. Ad-
dress all correspondence to The Playboy
Forum, Playboy Building, 919 North
Michigan Avenue, Chicago, Illinois 60611.

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PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: GEORGE GILDER

a candid conversation with the intellectual guru of the reagan regime
about his provocative ideas on taxes, capitalism and women in the home

In carly March of this year, the Asso-
ciated Press ran a photo that was widely
picked up by the afternoon dailics. It
showed an exuberant Ronald Reagan
(this was before the attempt on his life)
visiting the hospital bed of the ailing
Senator Robert Dole and presenting him,
as a getwell gift, a vecently published
book: George Gilders “Wealth and
Poverty.”

When the President of the United
States makes a public presentation of a
book on economics to the chairman of
the Senate Finance Committee, the act
is more than passingly significant. Many
people have since scurried to bookstores
to discover that “Wealth and Poverty”
as a thoughtful philosophical justifica-
lion of much of the Reagan economic
program. Beyond that, more eloquently
than any — Administration speeches,
“Wealth and Poverty” presents а posi-
tive case for capitalism. Under Gilder's
analysis, benighted self-interest is trans-
formed into altruism; and dismal visions
of scarcity give way to a celebration of
a bounteous fulure harvest of the fruits
of human creativity.

Gilders basic contention is that ex-
cessively steep rates and

income-tax

“I am very bullish, very optimistic about
the future of the U.S. economy. 1 see
huge new finds of natural gas, dramatic
advances in productivity and the aston-
ishing triumph of capitalism.”

overly generous welfare benefits destroy
wealth and perpetuate poverty. Wealth
is gobbled up as the rich spend ever
more time and money contriving tax
shelters, and poverty is made a perma-
nent condition in the ghetto by a wel-
fare scheme that destroys poor families
by giving them more money than they
could make in the job market. Those
two conclusions, which Gilder elaborates
based on extensive research, have been
very well received in high places in
Washington. In fact, in Republican cir-
cles, and increasingly among Democrats,
Gilder is regarded as a sort of Karl
Marx of capitalism. Fittingly, “Wealth
and Poverty” has been called “a capi-
talist manifesto" As we go to press,
more than 125,000 hardbound copies of
the book have been sold—an impressive
figure for any work of nonfiction and
almost unheard of for an economic text,
David Stockman, Reagan’s Budget Di-
rector, purchased 30 copies and sent
them to various Administration aides
with the remark that the book “is the
best thing written on economic growth
in about 15 years.” Barron's called it
“the seminal economic work of the dec-
adc" and The Wall Sweet Journal de-

“Economic growth is the result of human
creativity—and creativity always comes
as a surprise to us, To the extent that
you plan for progress or growth, you will
tend to exclude creative surprises.”

clared it “the key to a better world in
the Eighties and Nineties.” The left,
needless to say, has not been so chari-
table. Michael Kinsley of the New
Republic regards Gilder as a “crackpot,”
whose works are the “loopy” product of
a “fevered brain.”

Gilder's legacy as a writer in the world
of arts and letters is deep and impres-
sive. Two of his great-grandfathers—
Richard Watson Gilder and Louis
Comfort Tiffany—are well-known his-
torical figures: the one remembered as a
poet, humorist and one of the greatest
magazine editors of the 19th Century;
and the other renowned as the creator
of the lush decorative glassware that has
come to symbolize the richness of the
art nouveau era.

Gilder’s father roomed with David
Rockefeller as a member of the Harvard
College class of 1936. The two became
close friends and when the elder Gilder
went off to war, Rockefeller promised
to look after his infant son if the father
were killed—which, in fact, he was, in
1943, while leading an ill-starred bomb-
er squadron across the Atlantic. Gilder,
who was born in late 1939, has only
the faintest memory of his father—‘a

PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD KLEIN

“The feminist movement was never real.
It was all based on fantasy. Women will
never pursue careers with the same deter-
mination and drive as men. They always
have more options than men do.”

PLAYBOY

figure in а doorway"—uwhich may have
some bearing on one of the dominant
themes of his works: the critical impor-
tance of male-headed families in the
achievement! of economic progres

Rockefeller came through with the
promised support. “He didn’t lavishly
provide for me,” Gilder recalls. “He
thought I should work and understand
the value of money.” He did, however,
provide Gilder with one of the best
educations available in the United States
during the Eisenhower era: Phillips Ex-
eter Academy, from which Gilder grad-
uated in 1957, and Harvard, from which
(after a six-month stint in the Marine
Corps) he graduated in 1962.

In 1960, Gilder joined forces with
Harvard classmate Bruce Chapman to
launch a quarterly magazine, Advance,
subtitled “A Journal of Liberal Repub-
lican Thought.” The cover of the first
issue, which appeared in the spring of
1961. bannered the works of two little-
known conservative political theorists:
George Gilder and Henry Kissinger

When Advance folded, Gilder em-
barked on what was to be an
sive and varied speech-writing career. He
worked for Nelson Rockefeller in the
ill-fated 1964 campaign and served a
year as a junior fellow on the Council
on Foreign Relations.

In 1967, another Presidential cam-
paign was in the offing, and Gilder's
continuing infatuation with the will-o’-
the-wisp of liberal Republicanism led
him to Lansing, Michigan, for a speech-
writing assignment in George Romney's
Presidential campaign. When Romney
announced that he had been “brain-
washed” in Vietnam. and subsequently
withdrew from the race, Gilder found
employment as a speechwriter for former
New York Senator Jacob Javits, who was
then perhaps the only authentic liberal
Republican in high office.

From Javits’ office, Gilder returned lo
the Rockefeller camp. He turned out
almost a speech a day right up through
the convention: whereupon, as part of
a larger conciliation, he was dispatched
to the staff of the successful Republican
nominee, Richard Nixon. There, be-
cause of what he claims was inept man-
agement of the Nixon speech-writing
staff, his output plummeted. He wrole
only four speeches during the remainder
of the campaign and wasn't surprised,
after Nix
a Whi

From the Nixon campaign, after a
stopover as a legislative assistant on the
staff of Maryland Republican Senator
Charles McCurdy Mathias, Gilder re-
turned to Cambridge—this time as a
member of the Harvard faculty, as a fel-
low of the recently founded Kennedy
Institute of Politics. At the expivation of
that fellowship, he walked up Elliott
Street to the job of editor of The Ripon
Forum, the Ripon Society newsletter,

exten-

which by the early Seventies had become
a provocative source of new ideas jor a
Republican Party that desperately need-
ed them. Shortly after Gilder's appoint-
ment, the Forum published a soaring.
editorial, glowingly approving—from a
philosophical rather than a fiscal per-
Speclive—Nixon's veto of a piece of
legislation that would have devoted bil-
lions of dollars to a nationwide chain
of Federally supervised day-care centers,
then something of a cause celebre among
the burgeoning feminist. movement in
Cambridge.

The resultant outcry from the Ripon
females was sufficient to cost Gilder his
editorship and to launch him on a new
carcer, as the leading philosophical op-
ponent of women's liberation. The title
of his 1973 book, “Sexual Suicide,”
succinctly describes his vision of the fate
of societies that permit the blurring of
sex roles. A subsequent book, “Naked
Nomads,” developed that theme by de-
picting the plight of unmarried males
who, Gilder contends, are far and away
the least stable and most violent of any
large group in American society. The

= گے
"I believe in a free capi-‏
talist system in a larger‏
cosmic order, founded on‏
absolute truth. I believe‏
there are such things‏
as absolute truths.”‏

book was intended to be something of a
popularization of the scholarly and often
difficult “Sexual Suicide,” but it sold
much less well.

In 1975, Gilder took time off from
social philosophy to write a report on
youth unemployment for а think tank
called the Vocational Foundation. That
required interviews with hundreds of
black teenagers and. became the basis
of his nonfiction novel, “Visible Man,”
published in 1978, which traces the im-
pact of the welfare culture on males in
the black ghetto. “I learned much from
thèse researches about the devastating
impact of the programs of liberalism on
the poor,” Gilder wrote subsequently.
“But perhaps the most important lesson
I learned was the inadequacy of any
theory of poverty that did not embody
a theory of wealth.”

Thus the genesis of “Wealth and
Poverty,” which began with the title
“The Pursuit of Poverty” and ended as
an exploration of how wealth is created.
To prepare for that work, Gilder (who
has little academic background in eco-
nomics) read more than 200 economic

texts—including John Maynard Keynes's
extremely demanding “General Theory
of Employment, Interest and Money”
and scores of works in other areas. One
reviewer of “Wealth and Poverty” noted
breathlessly that “Gilder seems to have
read everything.”

When vraynoy decided to question
Gilder, we asked Michael Laurence to con-
duct the interview. He had known and
worked with Gilder on Advance at Hay-
vard and is now Business Manager for

Playboy Enterprises’ magazine division.
Quer the years, he has conducted
“Playboy Interviews” with economists

John Kenneth Galbraith and Milton
Friedman and has written numerous
financial articles for these pages, one of
which was awarded the prestigious G.M.
Loch Award. Laurence reports:

“George Gilder is the only person I
know who has an original world view.
Fue known him for more than a quarter
century and continue 10 be surprised
by his wit. his brilliance, his generosity —
as well as the outrageousness of some of
his opinions. He is also a genuinely kind
man who often thinks better of his peers
than they deserve.

"Prior to conducting this interview, I
hadn't seen George. for several years,
during which time he had married and
fathered two daughters. Ht was immedi-
ately apparent that fatherhood for
Gilder has had all the salubrious effects
that he himself would have predicted.
Once past the picket fence of his ram-
shackle 200-year-old farmhouse in the
Tyringham Valley in the Berkshires, T
was immediately set upon by a friendly
but overeager retriever named Laffer.
Wearing a Navy-surplus shirt, shabby
corduroys and his ever-present track
shoes, Gilder escorted me through his
back yard, past diapers drying crisply
on the clothesline, The house within
was plain, straightforward and obvious-
ly lived in. It has been inhabited by
Gilders for several generations, and
their collected works, im well-worn bind-
ings, dominate the bookshelves. There
was coffee on the stove, cookies in the
oven and a fire laid in the hearth.
George's charming wife, Nini, a Vassar
graduate and, like Gilder, a native
of the Berkshires, served coffee and. in-
troduced their children. The scene was
the very model of domestic tranquillity.
Then Gilder kindled the fre—forgetting
momentarily to open the damper—
leaned back on a Victorian couch and
we began the interview,”

PLAYBOY: In the recent past, your ideas
and writings have enraged feminists and
political liberals. Today, those ideas
seem to be among the guiding principles
of a changed political climate in Wash-
ington. We're going to ask you to sum-
marize the major themes of your books:
but for starters, just what is it that you
believe in?

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GILDER: I believe in a free capitalist sys-
tem in a larger cosmic order, founded on
absolute truth. I believe there are such
ng» as absolute truths and that society
will necessarily rellect those truths over
time in its organization and behavior.
PLAYBOY: Tell us an absolute truth.
GIDER: An absolute truth that I pro-
pound in Wealth and Poverty is “Give
and you will be given unto." To the
extent that people are willing to give of
themselves, to devote themselves to pi
suits beyond their own immediate cal-
culations of self-interest, they tend to be
more successful, to contribute more to
society and to receive more benefits
themselves.

PLAYBOY: Then you don't see self-interest
as the basis of economic progress?

GILDER: No. I don't think rational self-
interest is the foundation of capitalism.
or of economic growth under any
circumstances. I think that economic
growth is the result of human creativ-
ity—and creativity always comes as a
surprise to us. To the extent that you
plan for progress or growth, you will
tend to exclude the creative surprises on
which growth and achievement depend.
Surprises mainly der from the will-
ingness of people to devote themselves to
causes beyond themselves—to give of
their work and wealth to create busi
nesses or art, to project their energies
beyond their own personal needs and
perceptions. This is a generous impulse.
It leads to ever-widening circles of hu-
man sympathy. A new project—any new
economic activity—will succeed only to
the extent that it responds to the needs
of others. The effort to fulfill the needs

ur-

of others is essential to portant
achievement.
PLAYBOY: Your altruistic notion of capi-

talism certainly doesn’t conform to the
conventional leftist view of the capital-
ist as a predatory, moneygrubbing, self-
interested individual.

GILDER: That is a caricature of capitalism.
Of course, in any society, there are going
to be self-interested, predatory, rapacious
people, and such people have a lot of
room to display th ts in a free
society. But this doesn't mean that the
essence of capitalism—that part of it that
accounts for its unique success in creat-
ing wealth—is rapacious, predatory or
self-interested. One of the themes of my
book—I'm talking about Wealth and
Poverly—is that this image doesn't work
very well. When the leftist says that
capitalists are a bunch of creeps and
predators, and the defender of capital-
ism says, “Yes, but look what marvelous
effects their freedom produces.” the left-
ist wins the argument. The average per-
son just won't believe that by giving
maximum freedom to a bunch of creeps
and predators you are going to produce
a steadily improving human condition.

And as a result, the argument for moral-
ity im human affairs has increasingly
shifted to the left. You find the Pope
asuming as a matter of course that
socialism is a more generous and com-
passionate way of organizing human
affairs.

PLAYBOY: And you?

GILDER: I think that individuals who pur-
sue only their narrow self-interest are
led, as by an invisible hand, toward an
ever greater welfare state. The truth is
that people pursuing rational self-interest
demand comfort and security. They
don't take the risks that result in growth
and achievement. And without the risk-
derived surprises of human creativity, 1
think the human race is doomed. You
need a willingness to give of your time
and wealth and effort without a predeter-
mined reward. You hope for a reward in
the future, but in capitalism, that reward.
is not specified bcforchand. You make
your investment without any assurance
that you will be commensurately repaid,
let alone heavily rewarded. This willing-
ness to take risks is crucial to master the
unpredictable and unknown future.

“Sex roles are the foun-
dation of civilized society
and any society that
attem pts to repress them
will at the same time
subvert civilization.”
—

PLAYBOY: And you believe that relates to
how men perform in society, don't you?
GILDER: Yes, because in a free society,
men will be inclined to take such risks.
This is what men do when they're al-
lowed to. It’s part of the masculine
character. Boys grow up and they want
to perform. Their performances are
appraised by others, They fight to per-
form well. And I think that this desire
to perform, which has to some extent a
sexual foundation, leads to the creative
activities so dramatically shown in capi-
talist societies.

PLAYBOY: What is that sexual foundation?
GILDER: Men have to perform in order to
please women in a way that women
don't have to perform in order to please
men. When you ask the average man
why he works, hell pull out his wallet
and show you a picture of his wife and
kids.

PLAYBOY: But don't men also work to
impress other men, their peers?

GILDER: Sure, but that makes my point
as well. Young men have to undergo all
inds of tion rites among their

peers, in the outside world, in order to
qualify for manhood. Young girls don't
have those rites. The changes in their
bodies qualify them for the crucial role
of motherhood and the survival of the
tribe. There is a consistent differ-
ence between this male need for exter-
nal performance to qualify for manhood
and the degree to which biological
changes qualify women for their roles
PLAYBOY: "That was the controversial
theme of one of your earlier books.
asn't it?

GILDER: Partly. The main thesis of Sexual
Suicide is that sex roles are the founda-
tion of civilized society and that any
society that attempts to repress them
will at the same time subvert civilization.
I maint that sex roles are founded
on evolutionary experience, on the mil-
lions of years that humans spent in
huntergatherer societies; that they are
further reaffirmed by the biological
differences between the sexes, which it
takes a Ph.D. in physiology to ignore
and which are evident to all of us when
we examine them. Further, I believe
those differences are affirmed by the dra-
matically differing sexual experiences
men and women,

PLAYBOY: Namely?

GILDER: Male experience revolves around
copulation as the one purely sexual
activity. Women experience copulation
as only one of a long series of sexual
experiences running from pregnancy to
childbirth to breast-feeding and nurtur-
ing small children. Because women have
this extended pattern of sexual experi
ences that affirm them as women, they
have great difficulty comprehending the
much more compulsive, aggressive and
anxious male attitude toward the sex
act itself and toward sexual identity.
Men have to carn their sexual identity,
while for women, it’s part of their
very being. As Margaret Mead wrote,
“Motherhood is a biological fact, while
fatherhood is a social invention.” The
father doesn't even have to be around
when the baby is born. He will be
around, and be acknowledged as the fa-
ther, only to the extent that the woman
ling to affirm his paternity—to the
t, that the woman is willing
to forgo other sexual liaisons. This may
be less true today than it was in the
past, but certainly through the entire
evolutionary experience of the race,
fatherhood could be maintained as a real
nstitution only to the extent that the
woman was prevented from sleeping
around.

PLAYBOY: Sometimes called the double
standard?

GILDER: Right. I don't particularly want to
defend the double standard as a far-
reaching moral principle, but it certainly
does derive from the very differing
consequences of promiscuity for men

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PLAYBOY

and for women.

PLAYBOY: We'll get down to cases on that
topic, but for now, what was your pur-
pose in writing Sexual Suicide?

GILDER: I wrote that book because I saw
that until you understood the difference
between the sexes, you couldn't under-
stand the effects of Government welfare
policy on the poor. It was obvious to me
that to the extent that welfare programs
usurped the male role of provider, it
would be impossible to maintain intact
families. And as long as intact families
were not maintained, it would be impos-

sible for the wide range of welfare
recipients ever to escape from the wel-
fare society.

PLAYBOY: What was the theme of your
subsequent book?

GILDER: The concept for my subsequent
book, Naked Nomads, came to me dur-
ing a debate, when my opponent was
talking about how women carn less
money, how they have all these signs of
oppression and
upon it occurred to me that single men
could be presented in exactly the same
terms. Single men earn about the same
amount of money as single women of
the same age and qualifications. They
are enormously more prone to every sort
of disease and affliction than any other
large group in the society. And they
commit something like 90 percent of all
the violent crimes. It seemed to me that
the statistics about single men had real
significance for an appraisal of the dik-
ferent roles of the sexes.

PLAYBOY: Single women didn't manifest
those tendencies?

GILDER: That's right. Single women аге
virtually as healthy and as well paid as
married women, by most indices, while
married men earn almost twice as much
money as single men of the same age
and qualifications. The obvious question
that arose about this data was whether
was merely that single men were loscrs
and therefore couldn't get married or
whether failure to get married led to a
pattern of behavior that fostered disease.
and criminality. I pored through lots of
evidence on this point and discovered
that widowed men and divorced men
showed a pattern of problems almost
identical to those displayed by single
men of the same age and qualifications.
Widowed men didn't choose to be wid-
owed, and divorced men may or may
not have chosen to be divorced, but my
thesis was that single men less civi-
lized, if you will, they have more short-
term perspectives, because they lack the
links to women and children that lend
them a sense of the future—a kind of
physical embodiment of the future in
their lives. Single men, lacking these
long-te dimensions, are left in the
very short-term compulsive circuits of

victimization—whcre-

male sexuality. They follow the same
patterns of tension and release that are
characteristic of the male sexual experi-
ence. Man's link to the future passes
through the woman's womb. Меп be-
come more stable and less compulsive to
the extent that they have links to chil-
dren that carry them into the future. I
thought that the statistics about single
men—whether bachclors, widowers or
divorced—confirmed that proposition.
PLAYBOY: You scem to be saying that the
success of the human race depends on
men’s becoming what used to be called—
mostly in bars and locker rooms—"pussy-
whipped.”

GILDER: This is one of the great ironies of
male chauvinism. Men always use such
terms to the extent that they are ex-
cluded from the long-term patterns of
family life that women tend to foster.
Men ing male superiority feel
compelled to put down women. The sort
of male-chauyinist idiom that you find
at bars or in all-male groups, particu-
larly the military, really reflects an
inner sense of the profound dependency
of men on women for the most impor-

—
“The welfare culture
destroys men and drives
them into increasingly
futile virility rites—fight-

ing and crime and drugs.’

tant of human experi
and nurture.

PLAYBOY: What was your book Visible
Man about?

GUDER: Visible Man began with the
title Sam Beau. It was based on two
years of interviews with ghetto blacks.
My thesis was that the old Sambo
image—the Stepin Fetchit character
that was the previous destructive cliché
about black life—had been supplanted
on the streets by a new "Sam Beau

nces:

procreation

image, of the swashbuckling street stud,
who didn't work and who spent all his
succession of welfare

time pursuing a
mothers and enga
ty. The pimp image was strikingly man
fest in ghetto culture, and my observation
was that this s just as destructive
to people who succumb to it as was the
previous, seltindulgent Sambo image.
T conduct also resembled the male
behavior in various societies that 1 had.
studied in anthropology. in which the
constructive male role ol. provider is not
pursued for one reason or another. In
the ghetto, the chief reason the male
provider vailable is that it's
performed so much better by the Gov-

ernment through the welfare state.
Those were the ideas that underlay
the narrative of Visible Man, which is,
in fact, a nonfiction novel, examining
the welfare culture and what it does to
men: how it destroys men and drives
them into increasingly futile virility
rites—fighting and crime and drugs.
PLAYBOY: You're not suggesting that this
is exclusively a black problem, are you:
GILDER: Not at all. Its not a special
black problem. It’s only a black problem
because the welfare culture has been
propagated most successfully in the in-
ner cities, through the War on Povert:
which focused on blacks in the ghetto.
"Ihe same sort of patterns can also bc
found in hippie culture, where you have
the violent flower-child phenomenon in
a social order that was just as corrupt-
ing as the street culture of blacks in
the ghetto itself. Middle-class black
society is very much like middle-class
white society. Black nilics are no
more prone to breakdown than
white families. And white families break
down just as much when subjected to
this kind of welfare state as black fam-
ilies do. It just happens that through
the Outreach programs of the War on
Poverty, a much higher proportion of
the black poor was induced to accept
the welfare culture.

PLAYBOY: Do you find no redeeming
features in the War on Poverty? You
seem to indict the program totally.
GILDER: Pretty much. It just didn't do
any good. The various well-intentioned
programs might have done some good,
if they hadn't been accompanied by
a vast increase in welfare benefits that
just ravaged the families of the sup-
posed beneficiaries. The crucial thing
that happened during that period. that
overwhelmed every positive initiative of
the War on Poverty, was the doubling
of the number of female-headed families
among blacks. And that meant almost a
complete breakdown of the black family
in the ghetto itself, to the extent that
95 percent of black welfare families lack
thers.

PLAYBOY: What is the theme of your
latest book, Wealth and Poverty?

GIDER: Wealth and Poverty brings all
these social themes together with a
economic vision. Present in Wealth and
Poverty is the idea that the competitive
activity of men, attempting to support
their families, is a crucial impulse of
economic growth. I also stress the cr
cal importance of freedom as a practi

are

necessity for economic progress in an
uncertain and unpredictable world.
The creative breakthroughs that I

talked about earlier—the surprises that
throughout human history have been
most important in creating wealth and
solving the problems of scarcity—have

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PLAYBOY

never been predicted. They tend to
emerge in defiance of the assumptions
of the experts. Creativity is always un-
expected. After all, if you could pre-
dict it, you could prescribe it. If it were
predictable, you wouldn't need it. And
because existing knowledge and ex-
isting resources are always inadequate
to an extended future, human success
is necessarily dependent on novelty. on
surprise, on creativity. You have to have
a huge outpouring of human creativity
in order to launch the [ew unpredict-
able inventions that can transform all
human life. Consider the vast number of
small businesses that are conceived
against the relatively tiny number that
are actually launched, When you realize
that two thirds of these will fail within
five years, you understand that the proc-
ess is not a matter of very profound
rational planning.

at specific message in Wealth

and Poverty do you think the Reagan
Administration finds so compelling?
GILDER; Well, one of them is that the fun-
damental problem of American society
today is that more than half the people
in the country now face marginal tax
rates above 50 percent on an additional
dollar of earnings.

PLAYBOY: Explain what you mean by the
marginal tax rate.

GILDER: The marginal tax rate is the tax
that you pay on the next dollar you earn,
beyond your current earnings. It's what
you don't take home from your next dol-
lar of income. That's the marginal tax
rate, and, as I say, it has now reached a
level over 50 percent for most Americans,
which includes all the most productive

Americans, who really determine the
ions of our economic activ It
also includes welfare recipients. They

have very high marginal tax rates. If a
welfare mother goes out and earns an
additional dollar, shell have to forgo a

dollar of her current income—plus some
leisure time. In effect, she faces a margin-
al tax rate of more than 100 percent.
The same is true for people who are much
better off, who face preposterous rates
on interest earned from savings—which
the Government quaintly calls unearned
income. The tax rates on such income
are ostensibly 70 percent, but they end
up, after adjusting for inflation, attaining
real levels much over 100 percent—often
200 percent or even 300 percent.

PLAYBOY: Would you elaborate on that?
GILDER: If you put $100 into a savings
account, you'll be lucky to get ten per-
cent interest over a years time. But
during that year, your principal has been
reduced by ten percent inflation; so at
the end of the year, you break even. The
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Here you're being taxed on losses.
Whether you're a welfare mother or a
capitalist, this situation means you have
a greater incentive to hide a dollar of
existing income than to earn an addi-
tional dollar. And that is the perfect
formula for a tax system that on the
margin loses more revenue than it col-
lects. It loses partly by driving people
imto the underground economy, which
consists of cash exchanges and barter.
You know, where the accountant does the
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ments like that are emerging increasingly
in todays highly taxed economy. Tax
revenue is also lost because people are
driven into overseas tax havens, or out
of productive forms of investment and
into postage stamps or boxcars or rare
coins or Rembrandts—or all other non.
financial assets whose sole advantage is
that they escape taxation most of the
time.

PLAYBOY: But tax cuts at the margin will
primarily benefit the rich. That used to
be called the “trickle-down” school of
economics: Give money to the rich and
some of it will eventually trickle down to
the poor. Is that what supply-side cco-
nomics is all about?

GILDER: No; supply-side economics is the
opposite of the trickle-down theory. We
believe that wealth is created by produc-
tion—at any level. That's why you don't
find supply-side theorists advocating tax
cuts chiefly for business. We focus on
personal-income-tax cuts, because we be-
lieve that wealth begins with individuals,
not with institutions. Wealth is the
product of individual creativity

PLAYBOY: There are certainly other visions
of how economies are structured.

GILDER: То be sure. An alternate approach
to taxation, which has dominated in the
United States in recent years and which
still dominates in Sweden and England,
is the idea that you can have flourishing

capitalism by subsidizing big corporations
while bitterly punishing anybody who
tries to make money outside the existing
corporate structure. You subsidize insti-
tutional savings that are channeled back
into major corporations or into Govern-
ment bonds, but you strongly prevent
anyone from accumulating savings of his
own that he can dispose of as he wishes.
"The problem with this approach is that,
overwhelmingly, it is disposable personal
savings that make the economy go, by
financing the proliferation of small busi-
nesses, which are the source of ferment
and growth. Supplysiders focus on
personal activity as the source of wealth.
As an example, we believe that immi-
grants are one of the most important
forces in economic growth. They come to
the country with no wealth, they generate
wealth and stimulate the lower middle
class to greater efforts. This causes wealth
not to trickle down but really to surge up
through the whole system. It starts as

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much at the bottom at the top.
There's no trickle-down notion at all in
our ideal.

PLAYBOY: You talk about stimula
small businesses, but isn't most of the
wealth in this country in—and there-
fore aren't most jobs dependent on—
large corporations?

GILDER: Since the mid-Fifties, the num-
ber of small-business starts has risen
Írom 93,000 to nearly 500,000. There
are a total of 15,000,000 small businesses
in this country that create about 80
percent of new jobs. In fact, during the
Seventies, companics with fewer than
250 employees created more than 90
percent of new jobs, while corporations
in the Fortune top 1000 created no new
net employment at all. "There's no evi-
dence that innovations come from big
bureaucracics. Perhaps the most. impor-
tant innovation of our time, the micro
processor, the computer on a chip, was
developed by a firm with 12 employees.
PLAYBOY: No innovations from burcauc-
ASA, so we hear repeatedly,
gave us Teflon. Bell Labs gave us the
transistc
GILDER: Sure, but when you talk about
Bell Labs, you find they're not prepared
to exploit the developments—W illiam
Shockley left Bell Labs after inventing
the transistor to start his own firm, when
it became clear that Ma Bell didn't
know how to use it. Similarly, Shockley
didn't see how the transistor could be
transformed into a microprocessor, so
some of his employees split off from him
to form yet another small business. As
to NASA, that was primarily a case of
mobilizing existing technology, and the
payoff was hardly worth the huge ex-
pense. Statistics show that the yield ot
innovations Irom small businesses is
about 20 times greater than that from

тасієз?

large corporations or subsidized research
and development
PLAYBOY: Is the Kemp-Roth tax bill—

which would reduce rates 30 percent over
three years—a direct attempt to resolve
the problem of excessive taxes at the
margin?

GILDER: Yes. The Kemp-Roth bill was the
original supply-side proposal.

PLAYBOY: The objection one hears most
frequently is that the Kemp-Roth tax
cuts are certain to be inflationary, be-
cause they would create ation in
which too much money is chasing too few
goods.

GILDER: But we don't focus on money.
We focus on the creation of goods, And
we think that the problem of too much
money is best addressed һу enhancing
incentive to create more goods. There
fore, the way to respond to inflation is
not to diminish the amount of money
people have but, rather, to enhance
the number of goods and services they
produce. The best way to enhance their
incentives to create more goods and
services is to reduce the tax rates on

This is an. excellent
ng the Kemp-Roth

additional income.
reason for suppor
concept.

PLAYBOY: Would Kemp-Roth also stim-
ulate savings?

ER: It would greatly stimulate savings,

be a high marginal tax rate deters
wings twice. Tr first deters vou from
ning those additional dollars that

you're most likely to save, and it then
deters you. from g them by taxing
the interest return from savings at the
highest possible rates. So when you cut
marginal tax rates, you impart a double
stimulus to savings but only a single
i Increased sav-
ings don't enhance aggregate. demand,
even in the Keynesian scheme. So to the
degree that а cut marginal tax rates
stimulates savings, it has an antiinfla-
tionary effect. If we expand savings by a
greater amount than we increase rhe
Federal deficit, we will actually reduce
inflationary pressures.

PLAYBOY: Has that been proved?

спре: Absolutely. This is why the Japa-
nese and Germans and Swiss have been
able to run deficits two or three times as
s ours—as a proportion of gross
product—without having in-
nary results nearly as serious.
PLAYBOY: How did the ideas of supply-
side economics de
GILDER: The essen
economics arose

ideas of supply-side
response 10 the ni-

umph of Kevnesian economics, which is
essentially based on the proposition that
purchasing power drives the cconomy. In
the Keynesian view, it's dollars in people's
pockets—ageregate demand—that make
the economy go. It doesn’t really matter
very much how the dollars get into
people's pockets. As a matter of fact, over
the years, the Keynesian theory li
reached the conclusion that the best w:
to put dollars into people's pockets is
through. Government spending. As indi-
viduals in the economy, we're pretty good
aggregate demanders, but sometimes we
like to save money rather than spend it
In Keynesian terms, savings is a "leakage"
from the flow of aggregate demand that
makes the economy run.

PLAYBOY: Thats the demand side of
the equation.
GIDER: Yes. The demand-siders аге

really interested in monetary aggregates:
that’s their central concern. Aggregate
demand consists of money in consumers’
pockets, money available for investment
in the pockets of businessmen and
money in the Government's pocket.
PLAYBOY: Are there other areas in which
you think our national priorities are
wrong?

GUDER: Yes. We do not adequately re-
ward human creativity and initiative,
which is really the most valuable force in
the economy. The Democrats increasing:
ly, by focusing on investment tax credits

and benefits for buildings and machines.
have ignored the most valuable capit
in the system—human capital. And even
when they acknowledge the value of
1. they see it as manufac-
rather than as a product
of individual incentives, creativity and
effort.

PLAYBOY: At what tax rate do you think
diminishing retu
GIDER: I believe t
35 percent costs more than it's worth. In
other words mages total economic
«tivity by a greater extent than it in-
creases Government revenues.

PLAYBOY: Can that be proved, or is it just.
your feeling?

GILDER: It's a feeling, but it’s an observa-
tion that I think most people will affirm.
I think your own observati

frm that when the
taken more than 35 percent of addi
al revenues. your activity ges
an increasing degree. people be;
consider ways of avoiding taxa
they place less stress on earning more
money. I would be willing to defend
that proposition. Asian countries that
ve low marginal rates of taxation
have been growing much more rapidlv
than any other countries in the world.
Japan. in particular. has rates of margin-
al taxation less than half as high
ours. on comparable income
PLAYBOY: Bur aren't Japan's tax rates

at any tax rate over

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supposed to be just as high and just as
steep as ours?

GILDER: They are, but the top rate, which
is about 70 percent, like ours, applies
only to incomes over $396,000 in Japan.
The top German rate of 56 percent
applies only to incomes over $120,000. In
the United States, any "uncarned in-
come" earned by those whose salary is
over $30,000 is taxed at the 70 percent
rate. We have vastly more pun
marginal rates of taxation than any of
the Asian countries that have been grow-
ing faster than any other countries in
the world since the Second World W;
PLAYBOY: Some observers attribute those
rates of growth to cultural or societal
differences.

GILDER: That's ridiculous, The Chinese in
Hong Kong and Singapore and Taiwan
have very low rates of taxation. The
highest rate in Hong Kong is 15 percent.
People there work terribly hard and ter-
bly productively. As I say, they have the
fastest growing economics in the world.
Put those sa n a Communist
system and you have an extraordina
stagnant and ineffective economic ar-
rangement, even though the people prob-
ably work just as hard in mainland
China—maybe harder.

PLAYBOY: What about the analyses—done
at Harvard and MIT among other
places that show that people won't work
hard enough to produce the increased
revenues that supply-siders predict?

They miss the point entirely. The
j, supplysiders don't predict that
people will work 30 percent harder as a
result of a 30 percent reduction in tax
yates. They merely predict that people
will work 30 percent more efficiently.
They'll tend to focus their efforts more
on taxable activity and less on untaxed
activity. These changes are not directly
measurable at all by the kinds of analysis
that all those learned economists have
been sponsoring.

PLAYBOY: Do most other Western nations
have payroll withholding taxes as we do?
GILDER: Yes. Most nations deduct social-
security taxes at the pay-check level. We
have a greater stress on income taxation.
A higher proportion of our revenue
comes from income taxation than in
other countries, except England, Sweden
and Denmark. The other countries large-
ly focus on value-added taxes, which are
à kind of national sales taxes, They're
collected on the value added at each stage
of manufacturing and marketing.
CT widely alleged
с tax, meaning that
ily on the poor than

PLAYBOY: Isn't the V/

10 be a very терт
it falls more he:
on the rich?
GILDER: It’s alleged to be a regressive tax,
but it be adjusted, as it is in most
countries, so that it's greater on luxury
goods than it is on necessities, Most real
necessities, such as food, exduded
from value-added taxation.

PLAYBOY: Would you support it as an

alternative to an income tax?

GILDER: I think it's preferable to an in-
come tax, but I wouldn't support it
unless it were accompanied by a much
їс reduction in the income
tax. In other words, I don't support it as
a supplement to existing forms of taxa-
tion, and so far this is the only way it
has been advocated. Recall that the in-
come tax was initially enacted as a tem-
porary expedient because it was such
efficient and affirmative way to raise
funds. Somebody suggested a ten percent
ceiling on the income tax, and the argu-
ment was made that if you impose a ten
percent ceiling, the would tend to
rise all the way up to ten percent. So it
was decided not to have such a high
ceiling, lest we achieve this confiscatory
rate of taxation. I would want to be sure
that the value-added tax weren't just
piled on top of all the other kinds of
taxation in the United States.

PLAYBOY: Is th y condition under
which people will willingly pay taxes?
GILDER: Sure. People are willing to рау
taxes when they get something in return.
You'll pay taxes to support the police,

—M
“We have vastly more
punishing marginal rates
of taxation than any of the
Asian countries that have
been growing faster than
any other countries

in the world.”

ies, hospitals—all legitimate
governments offer in various
cs. Its only when people
begin believing that the Government is
ng more than it provides that tax
volts occur. Jude Wanniski, one of the
founders of the new school of supply-side
economics—as opposed to the classical
school, which was started by Jean Baptiste
ay and Adam Smith—points out that in
ingrad during World War Two,
people were happily taxed at more than
100 percent in order to hold off the
enemy. They allowed themselves nearly
to starve, in order to provide food to
continue the defense effort. If people
really believe that Government services
are worth what they cost, they'll forgo
income to support them. But under cur-
rent circumstances, most people think
the Government charges more than it
delivers, so they reasonably reduce their
activity and try to avoid taxation
PLAYBOY: If you were President and you
had an amenable Congress, what sort of
tax program would you put through?

спо: Га like income taxation at a

flat rate of 20 percent or so, depending
on the revenue need

PLAYBOY: No progressive rates?

GILDER: Not for me. I don't think pro-
gressivity does any good. It hurts the
poor.

PLAYBOY: Please explain.

GILDER: Progressive tax rates don't redis-
tribute income; they redistribute tax-
payers. They move wealthy people out
of the productive econoniy into offshore
tax havens and unproductive tax shel-
ters. Progressive tax rates have had that
effect most dramatically where they are
steepest, in Sweden and England, where
anybody who makes any money immedi-
ately leaves, Bjorn Borg lives in Monte
Carlo. The Beatles spread to the four
corners of the earth. All sorts of wealthy
British have emigrated to the U.S. to
avoid the preposterous British tax rates.
For many years, they had a 98 percent
rate on unearned income. The cream of
the British economy was redistributed by
ill-conceived taxes to Beverly Hills and
Bermuda and Malta and Sp;
where but in productive work to contrib-
ute to the wealth and welfare of the
poorer British citizen who stayed home.
PLAYBOY: So you advocate an across-the-
board flat tax rate on incomes.

GILDER: That is the ideal system. To get
there, my general focus is on cutting
personal-income-tax rates, abolishing the
distinction between earned and un
carned income and then cutting the
remaining tax rates regularly.

PLAYBOY: That is more or less what Ron-
ald Reagan has advocated. Do you see
Reagan as an effective President?

GILDER: Yes. He's just been quite re-
markable. Take, for example. his ap-
proach to the Office of Management and
Budget. The usual
banker friend or somebody who has a lot
of experience in accounting. It’s always
been regarded as a neutral office, to
which are appointed people who are
adept at managing numbers—as if Gov-
ernment really consists of the mobili
tion of competing armics of statistics.
And Reagan didn't. In designating Da-
vid Stockman, he appointed not only a
brilliant policy analyst but one who had
supported John Connally during the
campaign, who was regarded as alto-
gether too bumptious and aggressive by
many of his Congressional associates
and who was opposed by many other
people on Reagan's staff at the time.
Also, Stockman was a leader in a very
controversial movement in economics,
n gave him the central role in
stration. That's a bold act by
a President.

PLAYBOY: What is your vi
ture of our economy?
GILDER: I am very bullish, very optimistic
about the future of the American econ-
omy. I think that the gloom that has
beset us in recent years originates from

i—any-

ion of the fu-

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three chief assumptions: that we are
running out of energy, that we have
some basic productivity problems that
can't be resolved and that capitalism was
somehow maladjusted to the modern
age. so that the various totalitarian sys-
tems would necessarily prevail.

PLAYBOY: Do you dissent from those
assumptions?

GILDER: Yes. In all three cases, I major
new developments of the highest prom-
ise. I sec huge new finds of natural
gas, which, even though they haven't all
been proved to date, nonetheless, collec-
tively suggest that today we have a wider
variety of energy sources available or in
view than ever before in human history
I see that the productivity problem is
rapidly being resolved by the applica-
tion of new technology in the service
industries. All these word processors,
computer terminals and telecommu:
tions devices are being installed and
adopted by ever more offices, but they
have yet to be mastered and fully in-
tegrated into efficient systems. But this
is rapidly occurring as we move into the
Eight I think the result will be major
and dramatic advances in productivity.
The third point is the astonishing tri-
umph of capitalism in the past decade.
When I went to Harvard, and later
worked on the Council on Foreign Re-
lations, the general conscnsus was that
the Maoist experiment in China was
exerting this potent magnetism on the
overseas Chinese on the edge of the
land. Taiwan, Singapore, Hong
Kong and even Japan would slowly be
induced to adopt Communist approaches
and techniques. Well, today, ай the
magnetism has flowed in the other
direction. Who would believe that lit-
tle outposts like Hong Kong and
Singapore and Taiwan would be shap-
ing the future of mainland China? That
the leaders on the mainland arc consult-
ing the overscas Chinese on how to
adopt capitalist techniques and regen-
erate the economy? This is an incredible
change, a development that has the
greatest portent for the future.

PLAYBOY: Given the supply-siders’ con-
cern for individual freedom, do they
take issue with Government regulation?
GIDER: Most supply-siders emerged. from
a system in which Government had a
huge role already. Contemporary supply-
side economics is a post-welfare-state
phenomenon. We accept the existence
of Government and the need for regula-
n in many arcas. We don't oppose
regulation except where costs are much
greater than benefits, I like the example
of rules for a basketball game. You need
a certain number of rules in order to
have a basketball game at all. Without
rules about dribbling and shooting.
without boundaries, you wouldn't have
a basketball game that was fun to play
or entertaining to ch. However,
if you begin to prescribe rules about

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the exact inflection at which players are
allowed to release their shots, or how
high they can jump from different loca-
tions on the floor, or just how fast they
can run under prescribed circumstance
at a certain point the rules tend to be
come counterproductive. I think our
current problem is that we've gone be-
yond the point where rules promote
order and productivity to a point
where they are a new form of disorder.
We earlier discovered that soap was a
form of pollution; now we're finding
that rules are a new form of unruliness.
PLAYBOY: You're not talking about a re-
turn to the 19th Century, then?
GIDER: Not at all. We believe t
regulation is eminently desirable, not
because we oppose a clean environment
or a safe workplace or support the de-
sirability of poisoning people with un-
tested new pharmaceuticals but because
we believe the current laws are far
more complex than understood, and that
the bureaucracies they've spawned ar
too large and too poorly organized to
achieve any beneficial effect.
PLAYBOY: Would you give us an example?
GIDER: An obvious example is the enor-
mous effort to eliminate auto pollutants,
requiring catalytic converters and other
expensive devices. No one has yet shown
a relationship between auto pollutants
and any disease. It has yet to be demon-
strated that the catalytic converters
eliminate pollutants any more damaging
than the ones they emit. [EPA disputes
this, claiming that a relationship be-
tween certain types of respiratory and
cardiovascular diseases and auto pollut-
ants has, in fact, been demonstrated. Sim-
jarly, the EPA claims that emittants from
catalytic converters аге not harmful]
Enormous new expense was imposed on
our auto industry without any evidence
of beneficial results. One of thc obvious
effects was the willingness of. people to
ns and pickups and retain old
much longer than they did.
in the past. People are using more in-
efficient, more pollutant vehicles to an
increasing degree.
PLAYBOY: So you would not restrict tech-
nological pro at the expense of

de-

: That's rarely the choice. Tech-
nological progress throughout history has
entailed the replacement of heavy and
potentially damaging machinery with
more efficient and less environmentally
destructive means of production. The
obvious development is from the steam
engine to the silicon chip. Current
microprocessors the size of a fly have
more computing power than the early
computers that would fill up a gym-
nasium with tubes and wires. In. gen-
eral, economic progress has tended to
result in smaller, lighter, more efficient,
less pollutant equipment. To hold back

economic progress in the name of re-
ducing environmental damage is entire-
ly counterproductive, This does not
mean that intelligent regulation should
not be promulgated in order to transmi
to businesses knowledge that
mitted by the market pla
PLAYBOY: For example, the market place
wouldn't resolve the problem of Amer-
ican industrial pollution that descends
on Canada as acid rain, would it?

GILDER: No. The market place doesn't
ordinarily place a value on air, or on
water, or on land beyond its borders. In
cases such as acid rain, there may be
times when simple Government. regula-
ble to some purer form

ket action.
PLAYBOY: Why do so many welLint
tioned Government programs wind up
achieving precisely the opposite of their
planned results?

GUDER: This is the phenomenon that I
call moral zards of liberalism. Moral
hazards is an insurance term. It refers
to the potentially negative results of an
insurance policy. The moral hazard of
fire insurance is arson. When the insu
ance on a building exceeds its value,
spontaneous combustion often results.
There's nothing the insurance company
can do about it except to reduce the
уой.

PLAYBOY: How does that relate to public
policy?

GUDER: The moral hazard of unemploy-
ment insurance is unemployment. When
Government-paid unemployment bene-
fits—plus leisure time—become greater
than the benefits of work, unemploy
ment increases. The moral hazard of
welfare tends to be broken families and
increased poverty, because when welfa
benefits become greater than the bene-
fits of maintaining an intact ily with
an employed breadwinner, then more
and more families will tend to break up
and the breadwinner will go to the
streets—into crime and the underground
economy. And when the man is gone, the
chances of that family’s escaping poverty
plummet. Even though its income in-
ases, the only way to escape poverty
nately is to work. If the Govern-
ment provides the income and the father
leaves the family, the family is still im-
poverished, even if its
the official Government poverty level.
With no real hope for the future. with
great difficulty disciplining its children,
particularly its boys, the family will live
a slovenly and disorganized existence
that will shock any social worker who ex-
amines it. Nevertheless, the welfa
benefits this family receives, comb

come exceeds

ied
with the food stamps, the housing sub-

sidies and all the other programs that
have been enacted for the poor, are far
greater than the total incomes of middle-
class people 20 years ago.

PLAYBOY: You're saying that the real in-
come of welfare families today is higher
than the middle-class wage was in 1960.
Is that accounting for inflation?

GUDER: That includes inflation. Welfare
benefits today are worth on the average
between $15.000 and $20,000 a year.
"That would be equivalent to an income
of about $7000 a year in 1960, which
was the median income then. We
mustn't forget that welfare is. in a sense,
an insurance scheme. It's insurance fe
people who, presumably, through no
fault of their own or through some con-
catenation of events, fail to earn enough
money to support themselves. The con-
cept is of insurance. But when the bene-
fits rise beyond the insurance level, they
foster the very disasters that are being
insured against. In other words, they
create incentives for unemployment and
family breakdown. And that’s why the
Reagan concept of welfare reform, at
least as it applied іп California, is
misconceived.

PLAYBOY: Why?

GILDER: In California, they seem to think
you can raise the benefits to any level.
Reagan raised them by 43 percent for
the alleged “truly needy," while, at the
same time, he increased the welfare po-
lice to investigate fraud and abuse.
Once again, this is a case of ignor
the supplyside rule, which is that
people change their behavior to re-
spond to incentives. You can't increase
welfare benefits 43 percent without rad-
ically changing the pattern of incentives
confronting poor people. You can kick
a lot of people off the rolls for a few
years, as Reagan did in California. but
soon enough they readjust their lives to
do what the Government prescribes. JE
Government projects a concept of true
neediness, the poor will quickly convert
themselves to the “truly needy.” You
want disability? All right, I'll give you
disability. You want a mother with three
ids who doesn't know who the father
is? Fine, I forget Daddy's name. Right
now it just totally escaped my mind. I
don't know who the hell he is.

The point is, welfare applicants don't
even have to adjust their lives, they just
h to adjust their behavior in the
welfare office. My book Visible Man
documents that proposition fully. I went
to the welfare office many times with
various of the characters in the book.
They would all ask the clerks, “How do
you want these forms filled out?” The
forms are something totally alien to
them. They can't find any correspond-
ence between their lives and those
forms, so they simply find out what
they're supposed to say. “What do you
want me to say? What am I supposed to
say?" And then they say i
PLAYBOY: It seems reasonably certain that
Reagan as President intention

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of increasing welfare benefits nationally.
Do you think it's a reasonable prospect
to consider reducing them?

GIDER: Not really. The Reagan program
is not significantly reducing welfare
benefits. "There are some changes
eligibility, but аге leav-
ing these programs intact. I think the
Reagan Administration will be resistant
to further expansion in these programs,
while at the same time heavily devoted
to expanding opportunities in the real
economy. The result will be that as
time passes, the attractions of work in
the productive economy will rise, while
the attractions of the welfare culture
will decline. Welfare benefits will di.
minish, not in absolute terms or in real
purchasing power but in relation to the
steadily increasing wages in a growing
economy.

PLAYBOY: On what basi
that projectioi
GHDER: In California, after Proposition
18, which essentially reduced marginal
taxation at the state level, everybody
predicted unemployment and stagna-
tion. Of all the leading economists, only
Arthur Laffer accurately predicted the
outcome, He predicted that the Ca
fornia economy would greatly є
and that people would voluntarily leave
government service to take advantage
of improving opportunities in the private
sector. And that's just what happened.
There was no great need to fire govern-
ment workers, because they left volun-
tarily. Just about every prediction made
by aggregate analysis on the basis of the
California tax cut was wrong. Invari-
ably, the supply-side analysis was vind
cated. On balance, the impact on the
incentives of individuals easily overrode
the impact on the aggregate movements
of funds.

PLAYBOY: But California is a special case.
GILDER: Yes. It’s a special case. It's just
one example. Another example is Puerto
Rico, where Governor Carlos Romero
Barceló finally decided to dismantle an
egregiously ineffective tax system that a
deputation of eminent economists from
Yale l recommended as the only way
to increase its equality of income dis-
tribution. As a result, Puerto Rico had
preposterously high income-tax rates,
about 20 percent higher than our rates
in the United States. Barceló, after con-
sulting with Laffer and Wanniski, started
cutting these taxes and removing the
surcharges. Every year. after each tax
cut, income expanded across the whole
island by a far greater margin than the
tax cut, and revenues to the government
increased. It’s the same story: Increase
individual incentive and you promote
economic growth.

do you make

PLAYBOY: Let's talk about economic in-
centives for young people. Would you
advocate loosening minimum-wage r

strictions to promote teci
ment?

se employ-

сирек: The minimum-wage law is one
of thousands of laws that don't do any
good. But it's so frequently ignored that
it's not as significant as many people
imagine. The problem in the ghetto is
not the minimum wage. The problem is
welfare benefits th re collectively
worth more than twice the minimum
wage.

PLAYBOY: Nonetheless, conventional con-
servative wisdom holds that teenage
unemployment is largely caused by
minimum-wage barriers.

GIDER: Well, I don’t believe that. I
think that teenage unemployment is ex-
acerbated by the minimum wage—and
I don't support the minimum wage—
but I do not accept the idea that our
current problems of teenage unemploy-

ment in the inner cities are caused
by the minimum-wage requirements.
They're caused by the breakdown of

the black family and the demoralization
of teenage boys who have never seen
what it means to work to earn a living.
PLAYBOY; Are you saying the minimum
wage is ineffective?

GILDER: In the ghetto, it certainly is. No-
body goes into ghetto communities to
enforce the minimum wage. Nobody
pays faxes in those arcas. Half the retail
transactions in ghetto establishments are
off the books. I dissent from the whole
idea that we have a rigorously enforced
small-business economy in the ghetto in
which rules like the minimum wage
have any substantial effect. Don’t mis-
understand me. It’s a negative factor:
one more obstacle to youth employment.
PLAYBOY: You seem to speak with some
authority.

Сїй: Well, I spent two years research-
ing Visible Man, which concerns young
people in the ghetto.

PLAYBOY: Did you live in the ghetto?
GILDER: On the edge of it, in Albany.
Also, I did hundreds of interviews with
black teenagers in New York City
through my association on the board of
the Vocational Foundation.

PLAYBOY: And on the basis of all that,
do you feel that you're better able to
observations about how a ghetto

GIDER: Well, ho than the
vast majority of sociological experts on
black рохе ally did spend threc
years examining very little else. I inter-
viewed literally hundreds of people at
great length in all sorts of contexts in
Albany. Then I spent some weeks in
Greenville, South Carolina, i
ing the same people and their
down there. And I also did a lot i
York. City. So I really did have a good
perspective on the whole problem.

PLAYBOY: What did you lear
GIDER: I confirmed all my preconcep-
tions. I had read all the pr

New

groundles. And on the basis of this

previous literature, 1 developed the
themes of Sexual Suicide, which really
originated with my ghetto analysi
PLAYBOY: You're
for which the N

Pig of the Year
award. How did it begin?

GUDER: Before I answer, I have to tell
you that I succeeded Norm ailer
recei
been
the trophy.

PLAYBOY: We're impressed.
спрев: It began with my support of
President Nixon's veto of the Javits-
Mondale child-development bill, which
would have created a vast system of
Federal day-care centers all across the
country. I was editor of The Ripon
Forum, the magazine of the Ripon Soci-
ety, a liberal Republican group. I wrote
an editorial opposing these day-care
centers, and a bunch of leading Ripon
ladies went on the Today show to pro-
test my vicious polemics and to try to
get me fired. Then I went on the TV
program The Advocates. This particular
program was a debate on day care, and
I was brought in to speak for the oppo-
sition. The other pcople on the show
were all Congressmen and professors
and experts on the subject. After I was
through, a mass of women in the aud
ence rushed forward to attack me. Since
for decades Га been secking a way to
arouse the passionate interests of wom-
en, I realized that I'd found my tech-
nique, and it worked for years afterward.
And it then, as I stood there revel-
ing in my good fortune, that I conceived
the idea of writing Sexual Suicide.
PLAYBOY. We were wondering when
you'd explain how you came to write
about both money and sex.
спрев: When I was single, I was prée-
occupied with sex. Now that I'm an
elder statesman, I've moved on to a
more dignified concern: preoccuy
with mone:
PLAYBOY: Staying with the former pre-
occupation, wasn't it your statement
that you didn't believe in equal pay for
equal work that first truly enraged
feminists?

That's not what I said. I do be-
n equal pay for equal work. But I
don't believe any Government program
is more likely to encourage this than
the workings of the market place. I've
seen no evidence that quotas or Gov-
ernment programs have fostered it in
the slightest degree. The usual victims
of quotas or allirmative-action programs
are men with few credentials, little ed-
ucation and large families to support.
Upper-class feminists all believe that any
man who makes it just by working hard-
er than a college-educated feminist must
be an evil oppressor.

PLAYBOY: Hold it. In the first place,
you're generalizing about feminists by
depicting them as upper-class elitists-

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PLAYBOY

GIDER: Most feminists are upper-class
women. They may call themselves mid-
dle class, but, in fact, a great many of
them are in the top ten percent of earn-
ers, or they're graduate students or other
exalted figures in our system. And a
woman who is a Radcliffe graduate,
a relative dilettante in the work force,
often nts the fact that lower-class
men can earn more money than she
does by working hard—often at two
jobs—by putting in overtime and or
ganizing their lives well.

When you look at the evidence that’s
able on earnings of the two sexes,
you find that the only group that earns
far more than its education and creden-
tials would justify is married men
large families and a high school educa-
tion or less. My point is that if you know
any of these men, you know that they
earn every dollar. They deserve more
money for the work they do. At least
they deserve it more than some graduate
student who wants a “fulfilling” job in
a foundation-sponsored cultural-uplift
program. To the extent that the Goy-
ernment enacts equal pay for equal
nean more stress on such
factors as race and sex, and even more
on credentials and qualifications, while
relying less on work effort and ingenuity
and drive and ambition—those very fac-
tors that every close analysis shows are
most important in increasing economic

productivity. What many feminists think
will be a fairer system will actually be
most unfair: It will favor the upper
classes, who can buy credentials, over
the lower classes, who must compete by
working harder and more aggressively.
PLAYBOY: You're certainly overlooking
the Norma Raes of this coun the
millions of working-class women who
would agree with some of the aims of
the feminist movement.

GIDER: Well, the leaders are all upper
class, and I think many of the
ents apply only to that clas:
words, that women should be freer to
enter the work force to broaden their.
horizons and do something more “ful-
filling. those women who have to
work out of economic necessity, the op-
portunities are there,

PLAYBOY: So, to you, the political aims
of the women's movement are merely an
expression of upper-class lobbying.
GIDER: Thats the real clash—between
lower-class, hard-working men without a
lot of elegant refinements and upper-
class women who want their credentials
tly converted into high salaries.
And when I talk about high salaries, I
mcan the upper ten percent Remem-
ber that in this country, anyone who
earns more than 535,000 is in the top
ten percent, and when you inquire
of these oppressed feminists, you often
find they are earning salaries at that

level—or believe they should be—when,
in fact, such salaries are the object of
the most intense competition. Very few
men, only the most aggressive, excep-
tional and lucky men, can achieve that
ind of income.

I just think the whole women's move-
ment is economically illiterate. It wants
to increase Government power in a
most arbitrary, destructive w; in the
most sensitive area of the nation's econ-
omy—personnel policy. That's the
where the most subjective and human
of tors are involved, hundreds of
them, and they cannot possibly be re-
duced to the sorts of statisti findings

a Federal judge or a panel of equal-
rights advocates would deem relevant.

To have these decisions made by
and panelists is ridiculous.
PLAYBOY. Still, wouldnt you
edge the fact that many of the inequ
the feminist movement battled against
were real?

GILDER: Actually, it was the feminist
movement that was never real. It was
all based on fantasy. Women w
with the same determina-
nd drive that men do. Some will,
nd those some will rise to very high
levels, as. indeed. they do now. But as to
the notion that the women's movement
has liberated women from their "trad
tional" roles, there's just no evidence

idges

acknowl-

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that women are working any harder.
Women are 11 times as likely to leave
the work force as men are. [According
to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, by
1980, women were only five times as
likely to leave the work force.] A couple
of years ago, there was great outrage that
female doctors were earning less than
male doctors—until it was determined
that female doctors saw 40 percent few-
patients than male doctors.

Wherever you look, if you examine
the facts, you discover that women do
not engage themselves in the work force
with the same ambition and drive that
men exhibit. Until they do, they won’t
earn equal money. And they never will,
because they have more options than
men—namely, they can withdraw from
the work force when they wish to, in
order to raise children, a fully respect-
able role.

The idea that large numbers of wom-
en are going to make earning money
their top priority misunderstands the
difference between the sexes. Men have
to earn money to be sexual beings—
providers, husbands, fathers. Women
have a full range of choices. You can
say that, actually, the woman is superior
because her sexuality ranges through
pregnancy, the nurture of children and
all sorts of events of vast importance to
society. Men have to do only one thing.
PLAYBOY: Wasn't the whole idea behind

women's liberation a freeing of both
sexes—for women to be able to compete
equally in the market place and for men
to share in the nurturing of children?
GILDER: Obviously, the man can't share
fully in the nurturing process, and if
you go back to Margaret Mead's quote
about motherhood's being a biological
fact and fatherhood a cultural inven-
tion, comparing the two is crazy. It's
just plain quixotic to have a society
depend on the cultural invention of a
fathers "sharing" in the same way it
depends on the biological fact of bear-
ing a child in one's body and. nurturing
it at one's breast.

Regardless of how desirable it may be
for men to participate deeply in the ex-
perience of child raising, these are not
characteristic male roles. Masculinity is
not defined through relations with chil-
dren; by bottle-feeding a baby, you
don’t affirm your sense of yourself as a
man. Thats why it's the men who are
already secure in their masculinity who
are best able to adapt to the feminist
program. Men who aren't fulfilling
themselves as providers have to find
their masculinity in some other way.
Among the most conspicuous ways, in
these years of liberation, are violence
and drinking and other vicarious macho
experiences. In other words, what the
feminists attack as male callousness is
a product of masculine insecurity rather

than confidence. Feminists increase this
insecurity, and thus increase the pro-
pensity of men to assert their masculin-
ity in violent and destructive ways—and
to disparage women as well. I mean, if
you're confident of your own masculin-
ity, you can acknowledge that women
in many ways are superior to men and
are indispensable to male happiness and
fulfillment.

PLAYBOY: But if what you say is true,
aren't you having it both ways? You say
that men who aren't successful at being
men are the ones who resist the wom-
en's movement, who disparage women,
and that men who are successful at be-
ing good providers, at being men, are
the ones who can best adapt to it. If
the aims of the women's movement were
based on "fantasy," why would the most
successful men support it?

GILDER: Not all do. But those who do
are doing so out of chivalry. It's fasci-
nating to me that so many men who
come from traditional backgrounds,
who went to all-male prep schools,
through an all-male military, who prob-
ably never worked for a woman or gave
much thought to female liberation, sud-
denly find themselves mouthing feminist
clichés—mainly because their wives and
daughters were captivated by an essay
by Gloria Steinem. It’s just chivalry;
they don't take it seriously Ronald
Reagan opposes the E.R.A., but he felt

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PLAYBOY

he should give equal time to his daugh-
ter Maureen on the issue. So she uses
radio time that he, Ronald Reagan,
earned to attack his position. He
wouldn't have done this on any other
issue. It shows he isn't serious about it.
It's typical male-chauvinist behavior: In-
dulge the little lady and allow her to
be a feminist.

PLAYBOY: Thats interesting. You've ef-
fectively called your friend Ronald
Reagan a male chauvinist.

GILDER: Well . . . yes. These are the real
male chauvinists. The man who is a suc-
cessful lawyer, or the president of a cor-
poration, or the President of the United
States is secure in his manhood, so he
allows the little woman her frivolous
ideologies. He may even say he’s a fem-
inist himself, because he doesn't take
these concerns very seriously. This shows
disdain for women, not respect. Male in-
dulgence of feminism is the new male
chauvinism. It says, "I can't be worried
by anything these women do; let them
do it. I can't be threatened.” Well, a
man who's serious understands he can
be threatened by women. That, in fact,
he is more dependent on women than
women are on him. And that a move-
ment like the women's movement can
threaten him—and society. Because what
does feminism liberate? It chiefly liber-
ates men. It liberates men from the re-
sponsibilities of monogamous marriage,
which is the foundation of civilized life.
PLAYBOY: How do you square monogamy
with your earlier explanation of the
double standard of sexuality?

GILDER: I said that male sexuality is com-
pulsive and shortlived, in contrast to
the women's sexuality, but I feel it
needs to be domesticated, in a sense, by
women. Otherwise, as statistics show, it
impels a very difficult life for the single
male. Marriage leads to the subordina-
tion of compulsive—and promiscuous—
male sexual experience to the long-term
maternal horizons of female sexuality.
It links men to the future through chil-
dren. So when the feminists insist that
female sexuality is the same as that of
men, it's just erroneous, as any man
could testify, and fundamentally hostile
to women.

The idea that women have the same
kind of compulsive, single-minded sex-
ual potential that men have simply isn't
borne out by any of the evidence.
They're superior sexually, because they
have more options and a broader range
of sexuality, but it's not the same. They
can have as much copulatory sexual ex-
perience as men, but they can also forgo
it more easily.

PLAYBOY: So you wouldn't admit that the
pill and other contraception have had
any effect in changing women’s sexual
behavior? There are plenty of studies
that indicate they have.

GILDER: Oh, sure, the pill has had an ef-
fect, but the argument that forgoing

motherhood in favor of a promiscuous
sex life has enriched women is a very
dubious proposition. In any case, the
pill would have increased only the very
narrow activity of copulation, and the
notion that all of sex can be defined as
copulation is a malechauvinist idea. To
the extent that women accommodate
themselves to that idea, they deny them-
selves a far greater sexual potential. You
find a lot of women who have accepted
this now expressing their unhappiness,
which the feminists then take as further
proof of their oppression. Female sex-
uality is much more extensive and ful-
filling than the male version, because it's
linked to other things that are more im-
portant— continuity and nurturing.
PLAYBOY: Much of your argument is
based on women's childbearing role. But
what about women who, A, choose not
to have children or, B. who want to
enter the work force before or after rais-
ing children?
GILDER: The vast majority of women still
do bear children. Of the women who
enter the work force, some will succeed
extraordinarily. But, in general, women
won't enter the work force in the same
spirit as men, Motherhood is still the
central role for women in all societies,
and it certainly is central to those young,
dynamic years when families are formed
and careers are launched. Women have a
more important role altogether in the
human race, but there is one area where
men will tend to excel—and that’s in
the workplace. Men will tend to com-
pete harder at earning money, because
that's what determines their relationship
to family and their access to children.
Because they always have other options,
women won't work as hard as men—
they generally don't take outdoor work,
for example, where the money can be
better. And far from accepting the fact
that there's been this vast change, I
think that women don't work as hard
today as they did in the past. I grew up
in a farming community and when
America was dominated by farming,
women bore children and worked long-
er hours at their chores and in the
fields—contributing greatly to the econ-
omy—than many do today at careers.
‘The reason that women don't general-
ly win the "rat race" is that they have
more enriching experiences to choose
from centered on the family. Men have
to perform outside the family to re-
ceive the benefits from it—even to per-
form sexually, The sex act itself depends
on male confidence, and that’s why all
societies ascribe special importance to
male achievements, even if, objectively,
they're not as important as women's
achievements.
PLAYBOY: But you still haven't addressed
our question. If the pill has liberated
women from the automatic fear of preg-
nancy, and if women want to compete
in the work force outside of that rela-

tively short childbearing period, why
shouldn't the opportunities and poten-
tial be the same as for men?

GILDER: Well, first, I think the pill mainly
liberated men, allowing them to find
more opportunities for their short-term,
compulsive sexu: I don’t see that it
enriched women's lives. But as to the
work opportunities, they're there—for
men and women alike. Women aren't
held back. My argument is that to the
extent we encourage, by legislation or
otherwise, forced equality in the work-
place, we undermine the strength of so-
ciety. Incidentally, on the question of
postponing motherhood, I've been in-
volved with some groups of older Ameri-
cans, and overwhelmingly, the response
of those who waited until their 30s to
have kids was that they missed having
grandchildren. Those who had children
earlier said that one of the single most
enriching experiences of their lives was
the enjoyment of their grandchildren.
PLAYBOY: You surely have more compli-
cated thoughts about contraception.
Where do you stand on abortion?

GILDER: It's a bad form of birth control.
When it's made freely available, it tends
to become the dominant form of birth
control, as it has in many East European
countries and in Sweden. Half of all
Swedish pregnancies end in abort
and one third of all births are Шері
mate. [According to UN statistics, fewer
than one quarter of Swedish pregnancies
end in abortion.] Abortion also can in-
crease problems of sterility. But I know
there are all sorts of tragic problems
associated with the issue, and I frankly
have no easy solution or response. I
certainly don't oppose other forms of
birth control.

PLAYBOY: Do you find many intelligent
women agreeing with your views?

GILDER: Antifeminist women tend to be
more intelligent and interesting than
feminist women, because they aren't con-
formists. Feminists in general succumb
to the fashion that prevails among the
American intelligentsia, while it takes
real intellectual courage and conviction
to resist this juggernaut, which most of
the media have fueled and supported.
Women like Phyllis Schlafly and her
supporters understand the crucial role
of women in society and the impor-
tance of maintaining sex roles in order
to have a happy and stable society. They
know that it's the differences between
the sexes that lead to love and fulfill-
ment and that attempts to overcome
those differences lead to impotence, ste-
rility and a tedious kind of sensuality.
PLAYBOY: Let's pursue this topic of sex-
ual differences a bit more. You've re-
peatedly singled out aggressiveness in
males as one of the factors that make
them better competitors in the work
force, And in Sexual Suicide, you wrote,
“Boys are more aggressive because of
how they are born, not how they are

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PLAYBOY

raised." Where's your proof of that?
GILDER: Biology isn't the only factor, but
it's certainly true that men are more
aggressive in every society known to
anthropology. As a matter of fact, two
leading feminist scholars, Carol Jacklin
and Eleanor Maccoby of Stanford, wrote
a voluminous study called Psychology of
Sex Diferences. In it, they concluded
that the greater aggressiveness of men is
biologically determined—in all societies
and in animal studies. The studies were
made in infancy, before socialization
could be a factor.

I also maintained in Sexual Suicide
that beyond being a biological fact, it
was also a psychological reality, because
the sex act itself requires greater aggres-
siveness by the man. Finally, it's an
evolutionary experience, because if most
of our history has been in hunting soci-
eties, males have depended for their very
survival on aggressive kinds of hunting
activities, while women have always been
responsible for nurturing small children,
which is a less aggressive responsibility.
PLAYBOY: Haven't there been societies in
which the women have done not only
the raising of children but most of the
hunting and food gathering as well?
GIDER: Sure, there have been societies
where men strutted around and pre-
tended that killing a giraffe every six
months was the key to the survival of
the tribe, while the women did all the
work. But those were irrational soci-
eties that didn't do very well. You can
channel natural male aggressiveness into
roles that are unproductive for the com-
munity, and even exalt those roles, but
ordinarily the community won't survive.
PLAYBOY: What about the evidence of
matriarchal societies?

GILDER: There is no such evidence. Steven
Goldberg wrote a book, The Inevitabili-
ty of Patriarchy, which Margaret Mead
described as "flawless in its presentation
of the data" and which refuted every
claim ever made that there had been a
matriarchic society. [Margaret Mead ac-
tually wrote, “The reporting of his
sources cannot be faulted. . . . It is when
he puts his pieces together . . . to form
his ‘theory,’ that he ceases to be persua-
sive."] In each case that a feminist had
described a matriarchy, Goldberg would
go back to the original studies cited by
the feminist and show that authority in
that particular society was, in fact, vested
with the men.

PLAYBOY: You're saying that there has
never been a successful society in which.
equality of the sexes has been achieved.
What about Israel and China?

GILDER: Good examples. A lot has been
written about both countries and most
of the evidence bears out my position.
In Israel, there was a real attempt at
reversing the sexual roles within the
kibbutzim, and it was found that the
women themselves took the lead in re-
fusing the powers ascribed to them un-

der that system. Over time, they refused
to go out into the fields and cultivate if
it meant having to pack their kids off to
the day-care center. Interestingly, never
in the history of the kibbutz experi-
ments did men actually take on child-
rearing roles, nor did women ever take
positions of authority, as the political
ideology had prescribed. As a result,
today the. kibbutz has the most strongly
differentiated sex roles in all of Israeli
society. [Other studies on the Isracli
kibbutz dispute the fact that no women
took positions of authority.]

China was devoted to some kind of
anthill egalitarianism, but when a study
was made of 12,000 people listed by the
Communist Party as leaders, only two—
Mrs. Mao and Mrs. Chou—were women.
And both of those, of course, made it as
a result of being married to their hus-
bands. There just isn't any evidence that
the Chinese overcame sexual-role differ-
ences except insofar as they abolished
individuality altogether.

PLAYBOY: You don't think very much of
the women’s movement, do you?

Сирек: Well, I don't think it's done us
any good, but I wouldn't exaggerate the
impact of it. In general, I am not a
sexual liberationist. As I've said, I think
marriage and family are the foundations
of civilized life, and anything that tends
to be hostile to the formation of fami-
lies—or receptive to their breakup—
tends to increase social problems and
decrease productivity.

For instance, I think the feminist
movement probably hurts young boys.
In the cases I've cited in which the man
leaves home, farnilies headed by females
tend to make it more difficult for boys to
grow up into responsible and loving
adults. That leads to increasing distress
among women about the quality and
attitudes of men they know—and the
circle closes in on itself. Yet the response
of some of these women is to advo-
cate yet more women's liberation, when
this process is the cause of the problem
rather than the solution to it.

PLAYBOY: You'd better explain what you
mean when you say that the feminist
movement harms young boys.

GILDER: It goes back to what I said first
got me involved in my critique of femi-
nism—my studies of welfare programs
that had the effect of usurping the
father’s provider role in the ghetto. The
response of feminism to this miscon-
ceived Government policy was to pro-
pose that welfare mothers be provided
with work and that their children be
provided with a massive system of day-
care centers. Jt struck me that having
deprived black families of fathers, the
feminists were proceeding to take away
the mothers as well. Sometimes I would
get the impression, after reading about
the proposed solutions, that to a fem-
inist, the only truly liberated individual
would be an orphan at a Government-

funded day-care center. It just seemed
crazy to me.

The real problem, obviously, was to
get the fathers baci to their homes as
providers. The women just couldn't cope
alone with their sons. The boys were out
on the street, finding their masculinity
in gangs and various macho displays,
while the mothers were struggling to
maintain some kind of order in the
home. Then the feminists came along
with their grand solution: Take the kids
away and stash them in day-care centers
and dispatch the mothers to jobs of
various kinds, such as sweeping offices
or scrubbing toilets or whatever kinds of
work are available to welfare mothers in
America’s big cities. And this was libera-
tion! The feminists could write won-
derful poetry about the stimulating
environments ingenious civil servants
could create for the children, but the re-
ality of most day-care programs is a lot
less attractive, especially when the child
goes home to a parent exhausted after
a nine-hour job. There has been a lot
written by feminists about how good
a job can be for both child and mother,
how she goes home invigorated and can
be a better parent to the child. This
shows a complete incomprehension of
how tiring and difficult most jobs are.
PLAYBOY: What about the case of women
who, very simply, want to work?

Сирек: Of course, there are many women
in the market place doing terribly valua-
ble work who are making major con-
tributions to society. That's one of the
options those women have. But many
women are working chiefly because they
have to, because the economy isn't offer-
ing sufücient opportunities for their
husbands, and theyre certainly not ex-
periencing any kind of liberation.
PLAYBOY: We think we sense a closing of
your particular circle here, from wom-
en's liberation to men’s predicament to
your prescription for economic solutions.
GILDER: Right. Liberation for many wom-
en would be the right to return to the
home and devote themselves fully to
domestic life. If things go as I hope, I
foresee a booming economy, and one
that will be very favorable for the
American family. In the end, you can't
separate economics from sex or faith
or love or any of the other wellsprings
of human behavior. The mathematical
models of conventional economic the-
ory—like the unisex models of femi-
nism—leave out everything that makes
life interesting and makes the economy
go. Again, you have to get back to what's
in people's heads—and that’s things like
love and ambition, desire and faith, sex
and money—not aggregate demand or
undifferentiated “human beings.” I nev-
er met a human being. The people I
know are men and women, and that's
the way I like it.

WHAT SORT OF MAN READS PLAYBOY?

The sort who reveres the liberating quality of summer. He doesn't need much to feel free: a
moped in motion, a basket of bread, cheese and fine wine, an animated woman and a pasto-
ral destination. He counts on PLAYBOY to guide him, not only to the grandest of pleasures
but to the modest ones as well. For him, objectives can be elaborate or they can be
pure and simple. His magazine points the way and he is very happy to take its lead.

INSIDE THE
NEW RIGHT
WAR MACHINE

fueled by the successes of the past election, this government-driven
monster is now roaring flat-out on a moral search-and-destroy mission

THERE'S A WAR going on and the bad
guys are winning. To them, it is a holy
war—a latter-day jihad in the heart of
the modern democracy. It represents the
final metamorphosis of the conservative
movement in America into a religio-
political attack on personal freedom.
Don't worry about George Orwell's 1984;
the state as dictator of personal morality
is almost here in 1981.

If Senator Jesse Helms and his sup-
porting network of legislators and po-
litical hit men outside Congress get their
way, youll soon see Americans once
again visiting back-alley butchers or for-
eign countries for abortions, smuggling
Henry Miller's books in from Paris,
pushing gays back into the closet (or
into the jails), holding women in second-
class jobs or in the kitchen, forcing kids
to get their sex education off the bath-
room walls, returning control of voting
rights for blacks to the notoriously ca-
pricious local registrars in the South and
removing all Federal relief for victims
of child abuse and wife beating. The de-
criminalization of marijuana stands not
a whit of a chance under the self-styled
new-right thought police.

If you don't believe we're at war,
listen to Paul Weyrich. As founder and
director of the Committee for the Sur-
vival of a Free Congress, he is at the
very heart of a propaganda-and-politi-

article BY PETER ROSS RANGE

cal-training network that helped elect a
number of the archconservatives who
form a near-controlling force in the U. S.
Senate today. He is also perhaps the most.
sanctimonious of the new self-appointed
arbiters of American morality.

“It may not be with bullets and it
may not be with rockets and missiles,”
says Weyrich, “but it is a war nonethe-
less. It is a war of ideology, it’s a war of
ideas, it's a war about our way of life.
And it has to be fought with the same
intensity and dedication аз you would
fight a shooting war.”

A war about our—your, my—way
of life. Not content simply to live by
the tenets of his German/Wisconsin
ancestors and the Eastern Rite Catholi-
cism he practices today in Washington,
Weyrich wants us all to conform to his
standards. An example of what he has
in mind is the Family Protection Act, a
piece of legislation that would "take us
back to the Puritan days," as one de-
feated Democratic Senator says.

The bill, first introduced by Senator
Paul Laxalt but largely written in one of
Weyrich’s two town-house offices on
Capitol Hill, attacks gay rights, under-
єз the equal rights of women and
gives special protection to the “Chris-
tian academies” throughout the South—
private schools set up to maintain an
essentially segregated educational sys-

ILLUSTRATION BY JOHN CRAIG

tem. Weyrich calls the bill “the most
significant battle of the age-old conflict
between good and evil, between the
forces of God and forces against God."
If you favor women in the board room
and equal rights for gays, you are a force
against God. The holy war is here.
E

"The most alarming thing is how quick-
ly the forces of this right guard have
gained ground. Only a year ago, they
were a handful of inside agitators throw-
ing bombs from their bunkers on Capi-
tol Hill. Their political minions were
waging bloody, guerrilla-style campaigns
in selected states. But in November, they
won big. Now they're inside the ram-
parts, running executive departments
and chairing Senatorial committees.
They are turning the U.S. Government
into a veritable war machine.

“We are radicals,” insists Weyrich,
“who want to change the existing power
structure.” The strategy is the gradual
corralling of seats in Congress, along
with continued control of the Republi-
can Party nominating conventions,
leading to takeover of the White
House—something they thought they
had in Ronald Reagan, who has thus
far given them only half a loaf.

“We don't have control of the White
House yet,” says Howard Phillips, na-
tional director of the Conservative

PLAYBOY

100

FREEDOM FIGHTERS

it’s get-lough time and we're taking names—so meet the
elected repressors who vole down your individual rights

By EDWARD ROEDER

INDIVIDUAL FREEDOM has come a long
way toward Thomas Jefferson's idea
“that all Men are created equal, that
they are endowed by their Creator
with certain unalienable Rights, that
among these are Life, Liberty and
the pursuit of Happiness.” But the
tories are coming. As the accom-
panying article shows, they are
mounting an assault upon our liber-
ties and attempting to force their
notions of morality and propriety on
us. They're not coming by land or
by sea but by the airwaves and the
Congress.

To measure this repressive, anti-
freedom sentiment in Congress,
PLAYBOY Commissioned me to develop
a personal-freedom index, to rate
members’ voting on issues relating to
individual liberty. After consultation
with PLayBoy's editors—plus more
than 100 interviews with Congression-
al lobbyists, members and staffers—I
selected the issues, with help from my
full-time research associate, Diane
Wachs.

Personal-freedom issues are those
in which the Federal Government's
action or inaction will tend to en-
hance or reduce equal opportunities
to enjoy "Life, Liberty and the Pur-
suit of Happiness." By this rationale,
Federal intervention on behalf of in-
dividuals, consonant with protecting
their constitutional rights, is general-
ly held to be profreedom. Actions
that would curtail the freedom of in-
dividuals are held to be antifreedom.

For each measure, we have counted
a key vote, a showdown that indi-
cated the members’ support or oppo-
sition for the proposed change in
law. Key votes don't always come on
final passage of a bill and, in fact,
often occur on amendments or pro-
cedural motions that can have the
effect of killing a bill or moving it
forward.

Draft registration: On June 12,
1980, the Senate passed by a 58-34
vote a bill to wansfer $13,300,000 to
the Selective Service Administration
in order to register 19- and 20-year-
old males for a possible itary draft.
A vote for the bill was antifreedom,
because if the country wants a better
Army, it should pay to hire and keep
better recruits, rather than enslave
19- and 20-year-olds to work at coolie

wages so the rest of us can enjoy our
tax exemptions. The House vote was
on the same issue, on April 22, 1980,

Domestic violence: Each year,
3,500,000 wives and 250,000 husbands.
are battered by their spouses serious-
ly enough to seek medical attention
or police help. The Domestic Vio-
lence and Services Act—aiding local
centers where battered spouses can
seek temporary shelter—passed the
Senate on September 4, 1980, by a
vote of 46-41. Conservative Christian.
groups considered the bill "Federal
intrusion into sensitive family dis-
putes [that would] facilitate, rather
than hinder, the breakup of families.”
A vote for the bill is counted as
profreedom, because it would give
battered spouses an alternative to sub-
mitting to brutality. On October first,
the House adopted the conference
report by a vote of 276-117.

Forced pregnancy: Every year, pro-
choice and anti-abortion members of
Congress battle over how many zy-
gotes will fit on a pinhead. Abortion
foes try to limit Federal funding, to
save every unborn "life" they can.
Pro-choicers try to get exceptions to
the bans. This particular vote was on
a motion by Jesse Helms, to table
(kill) an amendment by Connecticut
Republican Lowell Weicker allowing
use of Medicaid funds for abortions
in cases of rape or incest promptly
reported to authorities. It failed in
the Senate, 35-45, on September 29,
1980. The motion was antifreedom,
because it would force a "truly
needy" rape victim to bear the child.
of her attacker. The rights of the vic-
timized woman are more important
than the "rights" of the feuis or the
rapist. The comparable vote in the
House came on December 6, 1979.

Abortion rights (GIs and college
students): Since pro-lifers can't stop
people who can afford abortions from
having them, they try to find a Fed-
eral angle to prevent abortion from
ilable along with other med-
es. This Helms amendment
to prohibit the use of Defense Dc-
partment monies for abortions by GIs
and their dependents was rejected in
the Senate, 38-47, on November 6,
1979. The closest thing to a compa-
rable House vote was on an amend-
ment by (continued on page 219)

Caucus, meeting ground of the religious
right with the political right.

The takeover is coming in stages,
starting with last year's Republican vii
tories in the Senate. “It is well adver-
tised that the G.O.P. now controls the
Senate,” explains Wesley McCune, di-
rector of Group Research, Inc, which
monitors right-wing activities from an
office on Capitol Hill. “But it is still
not realized that the right wing controls
the G.O.P.

The right's immediate goal is to in-
crease its strength in the Congress,
where it has already targeted another
20 liberal and moderate Democratic and
Republican Senators (Ted Kennedy is at
the top of the list) for political extinc-
tion in the 1982 elections. Right-wing
leologues are also expected to gain seats
in the House of Representatives.

The ultimate purpose of this grand
political plan is, of course, to restruc-
ttire society to suit the dreams of those
God-fearing Babbius. Theirs is a world
in which most people of power are
white, male and Christian; other people
are proles in lesser roles. Phillips has ad-
vocated a “return to Biblical law." Civil
liberties as we know them today would
exist on the sufferance of such men as
Jerry Falwell, field chaplain to the right
and high prince of religious television,
who has denounced all those who served
in office over the past 20 years as “god-
less, spineless leaders who have brought
our nation .. . to the brink of death.”

Tactically, the warriors of the new
right have adopted the most effective
methods, of international terrorism:
wrapping a series of dubious social issues
in a brilliant propaganda campaign, they
have created a climate of tear—and then
used that fear as the weapon to get what-
ever they want. "The Moral Majority
is, in fact, a minority," said Washington
Post political columnist Haynes Johnson
after traveling all over the country dur-
ing the 1980 campaigns. "But they have
great organization, commitment, desire,
hunger and the absolutely unshakable
faith that they are correct. And they
want to impose it on the majority.”

The most obvious example is abor-
tion: although every poll shows that
most Americans (from 58 to 83 percent,
depending on how the questions are
asked), including Catholics, favor the
availability of abortion under all or cer-
tain circumstances, the conservatives
have successfully seized on it as the most
attention-getting platform in politics to-
day (even the right knows that sex is
still the best drawing card). Since the
1973 Supreme Court decision legalizing
the procedure under medically safe con-
ditions, there has been no abortion
issue—until the new right invented one.
That minority of the populace that op-
posed abortion was free to have all the

“Then, when my name is a household word, I'll retire from films, get
into politics and—who knows?—maybe run for governor of
California."

101

PLAYBOY

babies it wanted. We didn't know we
had a moral identity crisis until they
said we did. Yet the majority that
wanted freedom to choose its own life-
style has now been corralled and politi-
cally bullied by the sloganeering zealots.

A good part of the far right's success
lies in its remarkable skill with word:
"Pro-family" and “pro-life” are an image-
maker's dream. Not only do they raise
the Jesse Helmses and the Phyllis Schla-
flys to a kind of sainthood but they make
the rest of us seem to be anttfamily
and, believe it or not, anti-life. “The
right-wingers have pre-empted ‘family,’ ”
Wesley McCune told the annual con-
vention of the National Abortion Rights
Action League carly this year. “They
stole it and it's theirs and I don't know
how you'll ever get it back.”

This pervasive threat of moral knee-
capping has allowed a handful of Sena-
tors, Congressmen, foundation heads
and extraparliamentary political activ-
ists—all led by Helms, maybe the most
powerful politician in America outside
the White House—to wield a policy-
making power far beyond their numbers.

Consider the Senate Steering Commit-
tee, an unofficial political arm of the far
right within the U.S. Senate. It was
clandestinely organized in 1974 as a con-
servative antidote to an old-line liberal
Republican luncheon group called the
Wednesday Club. But it soon went
much further than a once-a-week po-
litical bull session over food provided
by the Senate dining room: it set up a
research-and-strategy staff paid for out
of the various members’ tax-dollar salary
allotments. Its offices—tucked away in a
shabby Senate annex with no name on
the door or the building directory—have
since become an efficient clearinghouse
that notifies the Senatorial guardians of
American virtue when and how they сап
thwart progressive legislation, use parlia-
mentary procedure for surprise tactics on
the Senate floor and take political ini
tives that put the moderate center under
pressure to accept conservative positions.

After its existence became known,
then-Majority Leader Robert C. Byrd
attacked the Senate Steering Committee
on the floor of the Senate. Because its
membership list is still secret, he de-
nounced it as "mysterious" and "shad-
owy.” He objected to its usurpation of
the word Senate, though it has no official
standing in that body. Despite those
barbs, the Steering Committee thrives
with Helms as its chairman. It even has
division of labor.

"Each guy is supposed to be smart on
a certain issue,” says the former top aide
to one of the most conservative Senators
on the committee. And, for the most
part, it is so. Helms, the team captain,

102 Plays the most positions. As chairman

of the Senate Agriculture Committee, he
spends influence alternately tearing
down the food-stamp and school-lunch
programs while protecting the North
Carolina tobacco industry. Of course, his
real interests are in the “moral
abortion, sex education, prayer in the
schools, busing, pornography, permis-
siveness in general. Since 1978, he has
also been increasingly involved and even
meddlesome in foreign affairs, especially
where military dictatorships or white
minority regimes are under attack from
black or brown people.

James McClure of Idaho is the group's
energy watchdog—pro-nudear power,
opposed to such “extremist” restrictions
as the Clean Air Act. Like most of the
new rightists, he has cosponsored a con-
stitutional amendment to ban abortions.
McClure is also the far right's ambassa-
dor to the middle: He was successfully
pushed by Steering Committee stalwarts
into the number-three leadership posi-
tion of the Republican majority of the
Senate, becoming chairman of the Sen-
ate Republican Conference, That puts
him right behind Majority Leader
Howard Baker and Republican Whip
Ted Stevens in determining the strategy
of the majority party of the U. S. Senate.
McClure is the right wing's nice guy; he
doesn't act funny or say extreme things,
but his politics are hardly any different
from Helms. He played a key role in
the vicious Idaho election campaign last
year against liberal Frank Church; the
man McClure helped elect, former Con-
gressman Steve Symms, has already been
dubbed by columnist Jack Anderson as
front runner for the title of “worst
Senator.”

Senator Jake Garn of Utah is officially
the banking, housing and urban-affairs
man and has ascended with the new
Republican majority into the chairman-
ship of the committee of the same name.
He has always fought such Proxmirean
measures as the Truth in Lending Act,
which forced lending and credit-card
companies to tell you how they really
had been charging 18 percent interest
all along.

But Garn's real specialty, the thing
that “makes the eyes in that hawklike
face light up,” says an arms-control spe-
cialist from the Carter Administration,
is defense—as in war and missiles. Garn
is so violently opposed to détente with
the Soviets that he couldn’t sleep at
night while he was busy holding up
ratification of SALT II in 1979; he told
The New York Times his wife said he
talked about the treaty in his sleep.

Now that the MX missile is getting
new life from the Reagan Administra-
tion, however, Garn and other hard-
liners from the mountain states are
suddenly screaming bloody murder be-

cause those beastly weapons would
be planted im their back yards, those
wonderful wide-open spaces they love to
talk about when attacking the satanic
forces of the godless East.

"Then there is Orrin Hatch, almost a
force unto himself. Like Garn, Hatch
is a practicing Mormon from Utah, but
he wears it on his sleeve. “We believe
the Constitution is divinely inspired and
that God created this country,” he says
without a trace of mirth. Hatch is the
stiff-necked fellow who almost single-
handedly defeated the Labor Law
Reform Act and the Fair Housing Re-
form Bill in the last Congress. He is
now chairman of the Senate Labor and
Human Resources Committee, promot-
ing a subminimum wage for teenagers
(read: Get the young blacks off the
street). He is the Steering Committee's
right-to-work hero, anathema to labor.

While Helms has always been the in-
ner group's point man in the anti-abor-
tion cause, it is Laxalt of Nevada who
carries the banner on the other social
or “pro-family” issues. Laxalt intro-
duced the Draconian Family Protection
Act last year, and it never reached the
Hoor of the Senate. Now that he, as
Reagan's best friend on Capitol Hill, is
a kind of special White House liaison
in Congress Senator Roger Jepsen of
lowa, a creature of the new right's vi-
cious political action arm in 1978, has
taken charge of the bill. A new version
was to be introduced by summer.

Senator Malcolm Wallop of Wyoming
is a polo-playing rancher who fights the
battles of the developers who would just
as soon pave over the Colorado River
and turn a redwood forest into condos.
He vigorously championed anti-environ-
mentalist James Watt for Secretary of the
Interior. He attacks ecologists by arguing
that Federal water-protection standards
often “fail to take into consideration . . .
whether God originally made the stream
fishable ог swimmable.”

Newcomers to the Steering Committee
this year are Senators John East of North
Carolina and retired Admiral Jeremiah
Denton, Jr., a former Vietnam POW
from Alabama. Denton is the man who
organized the Coalition for Decency in
his state and ran on an anti-adultery
platform, once invoking the practice of
some primitive societies of administering
capital punishment for fornication as an
example of how the sinews of society
must be protected.

Denton is a creature of both Helms
and Weyrich, and has come under the
wing of Strom Thurmond, new chair-
man of the Senate Judiciary Committee.
Thurmond set Denton up as head of
something called the Subcommittee on
Terrorism and Security, a reincarnation

(continued on page 116)

ILLUSTRATION BY DENNIS MAGDICH

after reading this,
all you'll need is a tan

SUMMER is the season that always seems to
slip away from us. On Memorial Day, it
takes over like a warm blur, then it all too
abruptly ends with Labor Day. But it doesn’t
have to be that way. In the next 12 pages, we
will reacquaint you with some of the seasonal
pleasures that make summer special. After
all, it is literally the time when nature wants
you to smell the roses. It is the time when
your bare feet re-establish their relation-
ship with the good earth. It is also the time
when goofing off takes on a philosophical
insistence. There’s a great big world out
there to get hot and sweaty about. Turn

the page and you'll see what we mean. 103

THE GIRLS OF SUMMER

THE LADIES. Let us lift our eyeglasses in tribute. They are heavy.
"They ravish us with their beauty and we do not know that we
have been had until it's all over. When the sun shines and the
sky is blue and they are out wearing what was once considered
underwear, no one is going to talk you out of looking. As a
solo act, it is an unfettered vice. It can even be excused as
simply watching where you're going.

And yet women still have a lot of trouble with this natural
response. Especially the ones you're with. There's nothing they
can do about it when they aren't around to see it. But that's
not the way it works: You are walking with her, your head
sharply pivots, and you suddenly realize she is no longer hold-
ing your hand. You've just re-enacted an unconscious, obsessive
ritual—in the middle of a sentence, your sexual radar focuses on
the target, appreciating from north to south—and your main
squeeze has just frosted over into the no zone.

Women can never understand how wonderfully meaningless
girl watching is. It's a good thing they can't read our minds and
realize exactly how limited we are. The usual thoughts that
accompany girl watching are so unbelievably coarse and dumb
that no one would dare expose them willingly: Heartbreaking
face. Awesome breasts. An ass that redefines “curve.” A walk
that is both viscous and crisp. Wonder what she'd look like
naked, bent over at the end of a diving board. . . .

This all takes place so fast that there is no room for really
feeling any of it. It probably represents some kind of genetic
instant replay of instinctive tapes. It is the very meaninglessness
of it that makes it so enjoyable. It's the junk food of sexuality.

There’s going to be o lot more to look at this summer. Dresses are
getting shorter (left); even shorts are getting shorter (above right).

At the beach (left) and in their cors (above), girls noturally try
to keep cool. The best woy to beat the heat is to weor less, ond
have whot you wear cover less. This also helps keep Americo greot.

Women, however, are addicted to whole-grain sex. They
want to feel at all times a certain intimacy with a man that
is akin to original sin. You're Adam, she's Eve and you star
in your own little creation story. This fecling sometimes
makes men somewhat uncomfortable, but it is usually ex-
tremely enjoyable. It is not a necessary condition of survival

105

for men in the way it is for women.

Looking at another woman is perceived as an interruption of
concentration. She hasn't lost you; but she's lost—however tem-
porarily—that feeling she keeps of you together. feeling is
more precious to her than anything you can give her. I's where
everything begins; and the only way to deal with that is to accept
it. You can't defend your right to look at other women. All you
can do is be discreet and get away with as much as possible with
the least amount of trouble. Girl watching is important. Never
cheapen it by using it as a means of asserting your independence

Summer is а state of mind. A little part of our collective spirit goes on
permanent vacation. We indulge in the accompanying vices, which i

clude staring out the window, not holding up our end of the conversation
and falling in love every 15 minutes. On these pages, there are good
reasons why this happens. Whether a girl gets cought in a summer
thundershower (top left) or catches a breeze in the park (top) or cools,
her heels а fountain (above) or reodjusts her costume (left), she is
likely to become on event you may remember for the rest of your life.
The same is true for an act as complex as sun-bathing (right) or as
simple es taking a long drink of water (above, right and for right).

or making her feel jealous in order to keep her in line.
Watch girls for the pure, sensuous pleasure of it. If you think
you can pull it off, explain that to hei
This, of course, will not make her like it any better, but it
may make her like you a little better—and that’s what counts.
You have to learn to give psychic head. Stimulate her with
well-chosen thoughts. The best place to choose them is from
her head rather than from yours,
After the Nuremberg trials of the feminist era, all any-
one wants is peace. The quarrels of those dark a

lonely years are finally dissipating. Our
bruised sexualities are healing. Some
reverence is back in order.

Women, after all, are still the un-
tamed things in our lives. The point is,
we savor their company in whatever
measure it comes our way—however
microscopic the encounter may be. That's
what girl watching is really about.

The girls of summer ore like o shot in the
arm—sometimes they ore so beautiful they
hurt, but they ore olso good for us. They can,
for exomple, moke us perfectly content to
woit our turn ot the drinking fountoin (left).
They can moke us want to know our woy
eround town, to help read a road mop (top).
Or wish we hod a motorcycle (obove). They
con olso make us bite our lip hord (right).

PHOTOGRAPHY BY STAN MALINOWSKI

Hey, big
boy, Wanna

Many animals use mud to
keep coal. Many human animals (like the ones
below) use mud to get down ond dirty. Any excuse
will do, but body-contoct sports such as touch football are
best. Just sock down a large field until it’s slick and gaoey. Invite
your friends, wear clothes that don’t need dry-cleaning and go for it.

Some sports have to wait for technology to catch up with inspiration. BloBowl (below) is played like soccer, but teom members use
a Super Nerf Ball propelled by Echo power blowers—eight-pound units thot are normolly used to clean patios ond driveways. There
оге Blo-Bowl tournaments now in 20 cities to raise funds for Eoster Seols, and it is one of the truly goofiest sports we've watched.

Inner-tube volleyball (below) doesn't necessarily require that par- 1
ticipants know haw to swim, It con be played in a pool or in water -
shallow enough for a net. There's always a lof of bottoming up.

Polo hos always been a rich man’s sport. How. V
ever, with bicycle polo (above), all you
need is on empty parking lot, a bicycle,
а cut-down pola mallet and o lot of
agility. Maneuverability counts,
rather than speed. Another
sport that has goined on
enormous following is
flying-disc golf (ot
lef. One of the
200 courses may 4
be neor yov. En-
joy о faursame.

It wouldn't really be summer if we didn't
check in on Frankie, Annette and the gong
down at the eternal California beach porty.
A lot has hoppened in the 15 yeors since

FRANKIE, DO =
you WANNA, WANNA

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AND GUNS COME TO TAKE HIND THE MEN BEHIND THE 4
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MOYNIHAN.

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D'OYLY CARTE |S А WAGON
FOR DOILIES, DON'T YOU Z

their last movie. Todoy, kids ore, um, different. They
ride a New Wave. And os writers Croig Schwab
and Timothy Beaugereau see it, those people with
the purple hair have taken over just about everything.

LOOK, FRANKIE !
YOUR GIRLS GOING-
OING--OING WITH THE

HAWAIIANS.

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FRANKIE.
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WERE HAWAIIANS, BUT THEY'RE
JUST BUMS,

LOOKIT
YOUR GIRL,
FRANKIE.

I LOVE you e
GOOD Now. BAD LUCK TO THE

ROBBER , BE HE DRUNK

LA or SOBER, WHO
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THESE ARE QuITE
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НАЕ, HIT HIM IN THE

AND I LOVE YOU BETTER THAN THOSE
OTHER TITS, TOO. OH, WON'T YOU PLEA-A-EE-A-
EE-A PLEASE HAVE THIS STUFF SO YOU'LL.

113

114

SUMMER PLEASURES

On Staying Indoors
As often as not,
I'm comatose. So
it's hard to get
to the beach
when it's all I
can do to
crawl from
the bedroom
to the kitch-
en. In Los Angeles,
one has 10 drive to the beach. "That's
not a pleasant experience; and the
beach is an experience not unlike the
drive. You find yourself in a prone
position, baking underneath a blan-
ket of pollution that is as bad as the
one you drove through to get there.
Anyway, I find it casy to have a lot
of fun hanging out at home—given
the willing companionship of a wan-
ton goddess. I'm not one to avoid
time on the horizontal worktable.

FRANKLYN AJAYE
On the "Black Tan"

I'm from Los Angeles. T went to a
predominantly black high school,
mainly because I was predominantly
black. Still am. And that’s why, for
most of my life, I never went to the
beach. When my friends would ask
me to accompany them to the beach,
my answer was always, "No, thank
you, І can't swim and I don't tan!”
Well, finally, one of my friends in-
vited me to his beach party, securing
my presence by letting me know that
a girl I liked was going to be there.
1 dressed in some gym trunks and a
tank top. At home that evening, as I
was getting ready to take a shower
I noticed that the skin tone from ту
thighs to my waist was lighter than
the rest of my body. I was stunned,
but the evidence was conclusive.
From that day on, when somebody
asked me to accompany him to the
beach, my only answer was,

“No, thanks, I can't swim

ERICA JONG
Reading in the Hot Tub

My husband [Jonathan Fast]
and I read in the hot tub and the sau-

"The pages turn yellow and drops
of sweat fall on them, but other than.
that, it's charming. Not many writers
are doing good erotic fiction these

days, though—the kind that chal-
Jenges your ideas of what sexy should
be. Fanny Hill is the best example, be-
cause it's so cheerful. John Donne is
sexy, too, and so is Shakespeare.

FRED WILLARD
Pulling Your Summer
Together

Why not wear your street shoes and
socks with your bathing suit? You'll

Wardrobe

please: no
funny motto, such as 'M міти STUPID,
is great unless you're usually alone. In
that case, you might want to wear a
funny hat adorned with miniature
beer cans. That lets the girls know
that “All stops are out" and "You'll
soon be in tandem.”

RICHARD (The Dieters Guide
to Weight Loss During Sex)
SMITH

The Perfect Summer Woman

The rapture of seeing braless wom-
en jogging can inspire me to run
another five miles or so, casily. The
jogging bra is the worst invention
since nuclear weapons. I really hope
someone discovers that the potassium.
content in them is too high.

I like women who eat hearty foods
in the summer. Give me a woman
who'll eat Spanish rice, beans and
sausage on a hot August day and
we're t g about somebody I'd buy
a Mercedes for. Give me a woman
who recks with garlic in the summer.
Also, have you noticed that women
who drink beer are sexier than wom-
en who don'? If a woman drinks
beer in the summer and also jogs
without a bi now wc're talking
about a Mercedes plus a week in
Montreal—all expenses paid by me.

JAN & DEAN
Music to Take to the Beach

Theme from Jaws, Smiley Smile by
the Beach Boys, Octopus's Garden by
the Beatles, Rock Lobster by the
B-52s and Love Letters in the Sand
by Pat Boone.

THE BEST
BEACHES TO
MEET GIRLS

WEST

Newport Beach. California: In the
bay, "bay bombing" takes place
nearly every weekend. You start a
one end of the bay in your motorb
and proceed to stop at every bar
along the shore, in search of the per-
fect gin and tonic and the perfect
companion.

Manhattan Beach, California: Long
toasted (or derided) as having more
stewardesses per cubic foot than any
other city in America, Manhattan
Beach is for serious beachgoers, those
for whom careers, relationships and
drugs are secondary pursuits.

Muir Beach, California: If you've
heard the Marin legends or have even
a nodding acquaintance with Serial,
you know what Marin County wom-
en are 1

Seaside, Oregon: Considered the
Fort Lauderdale of the Northwest
fun is the main—if not only—attrac
n. In fact, in the Sixtics, when riots
usually had political motives, the kids
of Scaside tore the town apart simply
for the fun of it. Those days are
gone, but the beach remains the focus
of the social whirl.

WHY DON’T WE
DOITIN
THE ROAD?

Many people have gone down in
history as outdoor thrill seekers. Rita
and John Jenrette, for example,
made a few Capitol steps very fa-
mous. And all those folks who went
to Woodstock have a lot more to be
thankful for than just some good
music. In case you have never done it
en plein air, you really do owe it to
yourself to give it a try. Our sugges-
tions for good places include: in a
rowboat in New York's Central. Park
(sale from muggers); anywhere off
California's Route 1 between Big Sur
and Monterey; on the island P
del Amor off Cabo San Lucas, Mexico.

EAST

Ocean Beach, Fire Island, New York:
Of all the beautiful beaches strung out
along this barrier island, Ocean Beach
is the one most packed with young, hot
singles of both sexes.

Rehoboth Beach, Delaware: Where
Washington goes in the summer. It's
the place for bureaucrats to meet, eat
shrimp and meet other bureaucrats of
the opposite sex. Very casual. One
Washingtonian says, “It’s the kind of
place where you toss a football around

CAUTIONARY THOUGHTS
ON MAKING IT IN THE
GREAT OUTDOORS

In some quarters, doing it outdoors is the most sincere
form of ardor. We don't want to argue with that. In fact,
we concede that some of our favorite almost-outof-body
experiences have occurred without a roof overhead. How-
ever, it is not for everyone. Face it; you're vulnerable out

there. And so some coldhearted premeditation can't hurt.
Beaches, we're sorry to say, are not such a hot idea. A
few grains of misplaced sand do not make for a pleasant
sound track to your lovemaking. A beach towel can help.
Be prepared: Carry insect repellent. Then, if the urge
moves you, it won't be necessary to explain your bizarre
swatting motions. And stay out of barley fields; the lit-
tle corns stay in your clothes forever. To be absolutely
safe, flash slides of Yosemite on the wall of your bedroom.
Of course, part of the fun of outdoor sex is its danger and
unpredictability. Just try not to frighten the animals.

on the beach. It's like being in college.”
Lotsa pretty ladies.

Surfside Beach, Nantucket Island,
Massachusetts: More lively for young
people than its island cousin. Martha's
Vineyard, Nantucket is overrun with col-
lege students in the summer and Surfside
is the most popular gathering place.

CENTRAL

Oak Street Beach, Chicago, Illinoi:

This is where the Windy City’s young
professionals and stylish hustlers hang
out. It’s a block away from Playboy's
international headquarters and when
our Photo Department needs a quick
model, it takes only a few minutes
at Oak Street to find someone.

Gulf Shores, Alabama: “The most
beautiful girls in the world are from
abama, and they all have to have
fun someplace. This is where the

magnolias mect the oil " our

Travel Editor, Stephen Birnbaum,

gushes about this strip of 32 miles

of gorgeous beach.

_ The two-and-a-half-

J р mile stretch at Gulf

m State Park is the cen-
ter of the action.

PLAYBOY

116

NEW RIGHT WAR MACHINE

(continued from page 102)

“Helms once made a promise ‘never to leave the floor

of the Senate unattended by one of us. . . .

of Joseph McCarthy's notorious Perma-
nent Investigations Subcommittee. East
is the wheelchair-bound small-college
professor from North Carolina who was
hand-picked by Helms’s formidable po-
litical machine, the Congressional Club,
to defeat Democratic incumbent Robert
Morgan. He appears to be Helms’s ideo-
logical clone and has told more than one
questioner he would “have to check with
Senator Helms on that"; such sycophancy
has prompted Capitol Hill wags to refer
to East as “Helms on wheels.”

Because of his shinan status and
apparently very limited charisma (hi:
election campaign was conducted by
Helms's own operatives almost exclusive-
ly on telcvision), East hasn't yet assumed
full portfolio on. the Steering Commit-
tec. But he has become Helms's alter
ego on the abortion issue, taking charge
of S.158, the statutory end run around
the Constitution that Helms has mount-
ed. It would ban abortion by law rather
than amendment, thwarting the very
spirit of the Supreme Court's 1973 rul-
ing. East assumed that jurisdiction
through his chairmanship of the Ju
iary Committee's Separation of Powers
Subcommittee—especially created for
him by Strom Thurmond.

Thurmond himself is a kind of reborn

Young Turks of the new right, Thur-
mond has allied üselt with them and
plays a role in their strategy. As chairman
of the Senate Ju ry Committce, he
has made it his goal to try to bring back
the Federal death penalty—a punishment
traditionally meted out more often to
blacks than to whites, Thurmond proud-
ly cites his record as a South Carolina
circuit-court judge in the Forties, when
he sent four men to the electric chair—
three of them blacks tried by all-white
juries in counties with large black pop-
ulations that were then excluded from
jury service, a practice long ago struck
down by the Supreme Court. He also
wants to undermine the political po-
tency of blacks in the South by repeal-
ing the Voting Rights Act of 1965, the
most significant piece of civil rights
legislation since the Emancipation Proc-
lamation.

While Goldwater has fallen into the.
isolated role of elder statesman, Thur-
mond, though 78 and a bit slow of mind,
is gladly used by the new right. Part
of its strategy is to keep someone on
the Senate floor-at all times to attach

ددد

irrelevant or outrageous amendments to
bills it doesn't like, forcing a floor fight
and long delays on issucs that finally
push Democrats and progressives into
damaging compromises. Its master par-
liamentarian is Helms, who spends more
time on the Senate floor than anyone.
Hc is so skilled that in the carly days of
the 97th Congress, he managed to
maneuver liberals, including Senator
Kennedy, into voting for a severely
reduced foreign-aid bill with the
threat that he would otherwise delete
$300,000,000 from nutritional programs
for school children.

Helms once made a pro

e to his

hundreds of thousands of pen pals at
the other end of the computerized,

direct-mail funds ng apparatus “nev-
er to leave the floor of the Senate un-
attended by one of us." The other “one
of us" is often Thurmond. Twice when
I was in Helms's office for interviews,
he was called away by Thurmond. Two
other times, Helms took calls from his
friend "'Jerry"—Falwell, that is.
.

This kind of coordination is almost
unprecedented in Senate history. There
have been brilliant team eflorts around
specific issues at critical moments—as
when Hubert Humphrey managed the
floor fights for civil rights legislation in
the Sixties. But when their job was done,
the progressives, liberals and other Dem-
ocrats tended to go their own way.

“The right is more highly organized
than ever before in its history,” says
McCune, “It doesn’t sit around arguing
with itself like the liberals and Demo-
crats do.”

What makes the inner coordination
of the right-wing Senators go is that it
Teaches well beyond the front men them-
selves. The Senators’ top aides, often as
zealous as the men they serve, constitute
a second but key supporting network.
And they are given extraordinary frec-
dom of initiative by their bosses.
“Among conservatives, the top people
are treated practically as deputy Sena-
tors,” says one deputy Senator.

Until the new Administration took
power—when many of those “deputy
were given high posts at the
e House, the State Department and
the Pentagon—the top aides of a dozen
of the conservatives met fortnightly for
an all-day Saturday seminar-and-strategy
session in a suite at Washington's posh
Madison Hotel. Organized by the chief
gunslinger of Helms’ staff, John Car-

this junior version of the Senate
Stecring Committee became known as
the Madison Group. It was organized
for the election year 1980, so its role
was the ultimate melding of political
strategy—both in the Senate and on
the hustings.

The success of this marriage was appar-
ent in the election results: four liberal
Democrats and one liberal Republican
(Jacob Javits of New York) defeated in
the Senate; 16 new Republicans elected,
including five hard-core new rightists;
and Ri in in the White House.

Carbaugh is the prototy]
guerrilla warrior. One fellow Madison
Grouper described him as “an outside
man, ferreting around and Jaunching
consp s" Carbaugh is a good old
boy from South Carolina who joined
"Thurmond's faltering team in 1972, just
in time to help turn around the vener-
able segregationist’s image and political
fortunes by tel to hire two
blacks and go for the youth vote (it
worked). Carbaugh describes himself as
“a fat frog with glasses," a classic of sell-
deprecating Southern humor. He looks
more like an unmade bed—a kind of
rightwing Hamilton Jordan—with a
beeper on his belt,

Beeeep!

“Damn! "That's Helms" Carbaugh
says, rising from his bacon and eggs in
the elegant dining room of the storied
Hay-Adams Hotel just across Lafayette
Park from the White House. This is
mock irritation, for Carbaugh is a kind
of bandit. for Helms, the sort of guy
who can throw bombs all over Washing-
c giving his boss the comfort-
able shield of deniability.

It was Carbaugh (not Helms) who in
1979 leaked the story of the “Soviet
brigade” in Cuba, triggering a phony
crisis but generally making the Carter
Administration look ridiculous and out
of control It was Carbaugh and his
immediate boss, James Lucier, Helms's
top legislative aide, who flew to Africa,
then Londor an attempt to jockey
the Rhodcsia/Zimbabwe peace talks in
favor of the white-minority regime of
Jan Smith (the United States had noth-
ing to do with the talks; they were spon-
sored by the British government). It
was Carbaugh who was accused of leak-
ing the cabled report of Senator Charles
Percy's talks with Leonid Brezhnev last
year about a separate Palestinian state,
thus severely undermining Percy's au-
thority as chairman of the Senate For-
cign Relations Committee. Carbaugh has
conyinced some that he did not leak the
cable, but many believe he may have at
least arranged for someone else to do it.

Whichever is true, the effect is the
same. Without so much as opening
mouth, Helms has gained ground on the
(continued on page 216)

“you're the kind of man who can charm the pants off housewives,"
said winona. reinhart blushed. the image was indecent—and ex-
citing! it was years since he had had so much attention from women

fiction

REINHART Was preparing brunch for his
daughter and his new girlfriend. He and
Winona had lived together since his di-
vorce from her mother, ten years before.
The friendship with Grace Greenwood
was a recent development.

Grace was not due for another quarter
hour, and Reinhart was preparing to
blanch the bacon, which Winona had
brought home, for it was she who sup-
ported them while he served as house-
keeper. At that moment, the girl appeared
in the doorway.

“Ts this OK, do you think, Daddy?” She
turned syeltely in her red dress of
turquoise, green and blue. With amber
eyes and chestnut hair, and a person that
was not less than exquisite in any par-
ticular, Winona was as lovely a creature
as Reinhart had ever seen.

“Of course, Winona.” But, in truth, the
two of them saw cye to eye on almost
everything, with the notable exception
of food.

Winona had bcen a glutton until the
last year or so of her teens, stuffing her
then stout person daily with sufficient car-
bohydrates to sate the sumo wrestler she
was on her way to resembling. But when
she reformed, her efforts were not nig-
gardly. In fact, what she had done was
simply to reverse the coin and eat hardly
enough to sustain life. Winona's dwindle
in girth was accompanied by her gain in
height, and by the time she had finished
her 18th year, she stood 5'8” and she
weighed 120, and in no time at all she had
become a fashion model and supported
her father in a style he had never known.

Their apartment, for example, was in a
high-rise overlooking the river, five rooms
furnished with expensive blond wood and
chromium and glass, and Reinhart had a
kitchen full of appliances.

It was at this time that Reinhart had
really begun to take serious interest in
food, after having gorged on it mindlessly
for half a century. But despite his efforts
to prepare such delicious meals that small
portions exquisitely flavored would fill the
role earlier performed by mountainous
servings of sweet and salty blandness, he
could claim no great success with Winona.
Nowadays, she simply ate almost nothing
at all but wheat germ and yogurt. He
supposed that it was in his interest not to
feed Winona much. Yet cooking was the
only thing in life he had ever done well.

The water was boiling and Reinhart
plunged the little strips of bacon into it.
When the boil returned from its brief
setback, he reduced it to a simmer.
Winona started away from the kitchen,
and then she turned and stepped back.
“Dad, I must say, you have not said much
about Grace. What's she like? How does
she strike you, really?

Reinhart cocked an cye at his simmer-
ing strips of bacon. He turned to Winona.
“Fo begin with, she, while not being
quite as young as you, is even further from
being as old as I. That is, she is not old
enough to be your biological mother,
whereas I could, technically speaking, have
been her father, if just barely: She is
forty.” He frowned in thought. “She's a
nicelooking woman, but what really
matters is she's smart. I don’t mean to

ILLUSTRATION BY KINUKO Y. CRAFT

PLAYBOY

imply that women aren't usually, but
Grace has made a success in a man's
world."

He raised his eyebrows. “Grace is all
wool, no nonsense. Fact i: was she
who first asked me out. And why not?
"There we were, in front of the Mexican
packaged foods—that's where we met, in
the supermarket. ‘Say,’ she said, ‘do you
really buy any of this stuff? She asked
ssively that I thought she might
be hostile to it herself. "Not much,” says I.

“'I am really interested only in the
Pancho Villa line,’ she said, and she
pointed at the cans bearing that label,
which carry a picture of a Mexican ban-
dit, or general, Villa himself, I suppose.
"I'm one of the guys who distribute that,
she said, 'and what I'm listening for is
'eaction. The opinion testers are
more scientific, but I like to get tle street
reaction on my own. Now, you look like
a normal member of the public. Do you
think this picture of a bloodthirsty-look-
ing greaser would encourage you to buy,
uh’—she chose a can at random and
read the label— uh, refried beans?"

“That's Grace's style, I'm afraid," said
Reinhart. "Shell never get the mealy-
mouthed award." He laughed heartily,
though, in truth, he found that quality
the least of Grace's attractions. “
turned out that she was an exccutive
with this food-distributing firm, а vice-
president, no less. When she found out
I did the cooking at my house, she
wouldn't let me go until I had given her
a complete rundown on my choices of
brands, the types of food 1 buy, the type
of meal my family prefers and the rest
of it.” Reinhart gestured with his wood-
єп spoon. “And that would have been
that, I'm sure, had I not mentioned that
I had a daughter who happened to be
the foremost model in town.”

Winona blushed. “Oh, Dad, come oi

Reinhart chuckled happily. “No, I'm
afraid I was just a statistic until then.
But I didn't mind, dear. I like nothing
better than bragging about you. That
was just two days back. We found our-
selves having lunch in that restaurant
in the shopping center that used to be
Gino's." Reinhart winced at a series of
unpleasant memories under the old man-
agement. "It's a better place now.”

At that point, the doorbell sounded.
Reinhart opened the door. This was but
the third time he had seen Grace, and
the first occasion on which he might
have called her almost pretty. Something
had been done to her hair, and her eyes
had been skillfully made up. Although
she was wearing a suit, as she had on
their second meeting, a dinner date, it
now seemed more subtly feminine, some-
how: lace blouse underneath, a bit of

120 jewelry, and so on.

“Welcome to the humble abode,
Grace,” said her host, with an expansive
left wrist.

Grace controlled the shake, irrespec-
tive of the remarkable difference in fist
sizes, and, peering around, she pene-
trated the ig room. "It's hardly hum-
ble, Carl" she said in her brisk voice.
"But then, why should it be?’ She sud-
denly looked vulnerable, an unprec
dented and, Reinhart would have said,
a most unlikely phase for Grace Green-
wood. She continued to walk about in
a military stride.

Won't you sit down?" he asked. "May
I give you a drink?"
She produced an abrupt, barking

laugh. "Anything that's wet!

She strode to the dows and laughed
again. “There's the river, huh?" But the
view was not sufficiently riveting to re-
main there for a third second, and
she turned and marched to the middle
of the room.

Winona slunk almost silently into the
room, but if Grace had seen her, it was
through the back of her own head, for
she, Grace, was still facing Reinhart.

“Aha!” he cried, perhaps too stridently,
but he wanted to get beyond this purposc-
lessly awkward moment. “Grace Green-
wood, this is my daughter, Winona.”

But Grace remained facing him. Was
she deaf? Or had she actually suffered
an attack of paralysis?

Meanwhile, Winona continued her
sneaky approach, which seemed literally
on tiptoe. She, as it were, rounded
Grace's corner, for Grace had still not
moved, and in a special low voice, one
Reinhart had never suspected she could
produce, she uttered only one word,
"Hello," but put a good deal of force
into that word and, having said it, she
stepped back one pace, and put her
hands on her sleek hips, and stared se-
verely at the other woman.

“Winona,” said Reinhart, “this is my
new friend, Grace Greenwood.”

Grace now emerged from her absolute
fixity, but only as far as slow motion
would take her. It seemed as though she
might actually curtsy, but if so, she
changed her mind. Instead, she glared
at Reinhart.

This was the most remarkable display
of something or other that he had ever
witnessed. He found Winona's perform-
ance to be lacking in graciousness: This
was not like her at all.

Alas, it was obvious that she and Grace
made a poor mix. He would, of course,
stop seeing Grace, but meanwhile, she
his guest and he would feed her.
опа,” he said with a certain as-
perity, "I have to go now and work on.
the meal. Please be hospitable.”

His daughter said obediently, sweetly,
returning to the old Winona, "Oh, I

sure will, Dad. Grace, won't you sit
down, please?"

"Where?" asked Grace.
bewildered.

Whatever the state of the world out-
side, everything made sense when Rein-
hart was with his pots and pans. He
heated butter and oil in a skillet and
quickly sautéed mushrooms. When that
was done, it was time to poach the eggs
in a perfumed bath of wine and stock
and bacon and onions and garlic.

He buttered the bowl of a kitchen
ladle and broke the first egg into it, held
it over the bubbling broth and suddenly
slipped it below the surface of the liquid.
When tne beginnings of the cloudy coag-
ulation had formed, he withdrew the
ladle, leaving the egg behind. It trailed
some filaments. He gathered them in
with a wooden spoon. One by one, he
slipped in five more eggs, shaping each
against itself.

He had opened a fresh bottle of
the same wine that had been used for
the poaching, and he had made a simple
salad of washed and dried water cress
without dressing. To follow was only a
sorbet of fresh pears, made of the puréed
poached fruit and egg whites. Some light
sugar wafers. And no more to the branch
but Mocha Java with heavy cream. Too
early in the day for the inky-black in-
fusion of “expresso.”

This meal represented — Reinhart's
ideal of great flavor and no bulk. He
was pleased with himself as he carried
the plat de résistance into the dining ell
off the living room. He went around the
corner to fetch Winona and Grace.

The door to the hall was open and
the living room was empty.

Before he reached the doorway, Wi-
nona came through it from the corridor,
scowling inscrutably. When she saw her
father. she lowered her head for an in-
stant, then raised it and said wretchedly,
“I guess you're ready to shoot me."

Reinhart did nothing for a moment
and then, sighing, he embraced h
daughter.

“Daddy

“J realize that you felt Grace would
alienate my affections toward you
Reinhart said. “Don't think I’m criticiz-
ing you, dear.” He laughed for effect, but
the irony was real enough. “How could
1, when you pay the rent?”

Winona made an unhappy expression:
She hated him to mention that. She dis-
liked his making reference to anything
that could be interpreted as being per-
sonally negative. In that attitude, she
was unique in all the family.

“Daddy,” Winona began once more,
"you don't”

” said Reinhart, "of course I'm
not angry. But I'm afraid that I feel
(continued on page 224)

She seemed

THE SPARKY LYLE...
AND OTHER GREAT RELIEF PITCHERS

when the visiting teams start
getting hot, cool them off with
an assortment of errorless
no-fuss pitcher drinks that
are sure to make a hit

drink
By EMANUEL GREENBERG

'OU DON'T have to be an ardent
ү: of the game to know

about relief pitchers. "They're
the gun fighters of baseball, the \
doughty chaps such as Sparky Lyle,
with Freon in their veins, summoned
from the bull pen to cool off hot bats
when the opposition becomes ram-
bunctious.

PLAYBOY'S relief pitchers are also
coolers—of a somewhat different
breed. "They're beverages; captivating
concoctions with a wine or spirit base,
infused with sprightly mixers and
hints of clusive flavorings—affording
delicious relief on the sultriest of dog
days. The fact that they also tease the
palate with a parade of beguiling
taste sensations only makes that chill-
ing experience more delightful.

In addition to their sensuous ap-
peal, pitchers have a practical side,
especially for long-playing summer
frolics at the marina, beach, country
club or summer house. They can be
made up in advance, in copious quan-
tities, so the host isn’t mired in bar-
tending dutics while the pack is in
full cry. (This beats the hell out
of continually mixing individual

PHOTOGRAPHY BY BILL ARSENAULT

PLAYBOY

122

drinks—and eyeballing the crowd to see
who needs a refill.)

Heres the pitch: Simply prepare as
many drinks in advance as you think
you'll need. (Figure on four to six por-
tions per celebrant over a three-hour
stretch, and about one an hour after
that) Transfer to a large container, but
do not add ice to the mixture. Cover and
chill in the refrigerator or on a bed of
cracked ice in a large tub. For a sizable
bash, you'll want several one-and-one-
halfto-two-quart pitchers, ice buckets,
plenty of hard-frozen ice cubes and other
party staples. You'll also need a supply of
cight-to-ten-ounce highball or large old
fashioned glasses. Plastic barware will
suffice for informal get-togethers.

When the action commences, fill pitch-
ers with the chilled mixture and place
at strategic locations—along with a load-
ed ice bucket and sufficient glassware.
Hospitality dictates that you hand guests
their first drink, an icebreaker. After
that, theyre on their own. Your only
concern then, besides having, fun, is to
see that pitchers are replenished as nec-
essary. Fruit garnishes provide a colorful
note, but don’t add the aggressively fla-
vored or fragile items until serving time.

You can win the game with one block-
buster pitcher recipe, but it's thoughtful
to offer a variety. Three types will
ийсе; more would be overkill. Try the
parky Lyle or any of the other winning
relief pitchers presented below. You're
bound to score!

THE SPARKY LYLE
RELIEF PITCHER
(About 12 servings)

1 navel orange

2 limes

2 lemons

уь cup superfine sugar, or to taste

2 bottles dry red wine

3 ozs. vodka

lapple

12-07. can 7Up, chilled

Halve orange and slice. Cut limes and
lemons in thin slices. Cover fruit and
refrigerate. Pour sugar into large con-
tainer. Add part of wine; stir to dissolve.
Add remaining wine and vodka; stir and
chill, Pour chilled mixture over ice in
two pitchers, Cut unpeeled apple into
chunks and add some to each pitcher
along with sliced citrus fruit. Divide 7Up
between pitchers; stir once.

Note: Sparky, of course, never imbibes
alcoholic beverages during the season.
When preparing this pitcher for himself,
he substitutes ] quart apple juice, 1
quart cranberry-juice cocktail and 2 ozs.
Rose's Lime Juice for wine and vodka.

FIELDER'S CHOICE
(18 to 20 servings)
1 bottle (750 mL) tequila
2 quarts grapefruit juice

Y4 teaspoon salt.

2 ozs, Falernum syrup.

Fresh mint sprigs

In large bowl or container, combine
all ingredients except mint. Stir well and
refrigerate. When ready to serve, stir and
pour over ice in pitchers. Decorate each
pitcher with lush, full sprigs of mint.

WILD PITCH
(46 to 20 servings)

1 bottle (750 ml.) dark rum

8 12-or. cans guava nectar

1 cup fresh lime juice—4 to 6 limes

(reserve shells)
14 cup orgeat syrup
Y cup sugar or sugar syrup, or to
taste

Nutmeg in shaker

In large bowl or container, combine
all ingredients except nutmeg and lime
shells. Stir well and refrigerate. At serv-
ing time, add a few lime shells to each
pitcher for the scent and color. Place
shaker with ground nutmeg alongside
your pitcher and people can sprinkle a
little on each helping, if they wish.
‘ole: For sugar syrup, combine 2 parts.
sugar and 1 part water in saucepan.
Bring to boil; simmer 5 minutes. When
cool, transfer to jar, cover and refrig-
erate. Keeps indefinitely.

CHANGE UP
(2 to H4 servings)

12 ozs. créme de cassis
8 ozs. each: pineapple juic
juice, apricot nectar

2 lemons, thinly sliced

Mixed melon balls, fresh or frozen

2 half-bottles sparkling , chilled

In large bowl or container, combine
liqueur and fruit juices. Stir and chill.
At serving time, stir again and divide
contents between two prechilled pitch-
ers. Ice is optional. Add half the lemon
slices and melon balls to each pitcher,
then pour one of the hali-bottles of
sparkling wine into cach. Stir quickly
and serve.

orange

FAST BALL.
(15 lo 18 servings)

1 bottle (750 ml.) blended American
whiskey
ozs. lemon juice

Yo cup superfine sugar or sugar syrup,

or to taste

8-07. jar maraschino cherries

2 navel oranges, halved and sliced

2 12-07. cans ginger ale, chilled

In large bowl or container, combine
whiskey, lemon juice and sugar or sugar
syrup. Stir well to dissolve sugar. Add
maraschino cherries with juice and or-
ange slices. Stir and refrigerate. At serv-
ing time, divide contents between two
pitchers; add can of ginger ale to each.

SLIDER
(25 servings)

1 liter California brandy

46-07. can tropical-fruit punch

46-02. can pineapple juice

4 ors. lemon juice

16-07. can fruit cocktail, dr;

Combine all ingredients in large bowl
or container, Stir well and refrigerate.
When ready to serve, pour over ice in
pitchers. Alternatively, serve one pitcher-
ful at a time, refilling as required.

PINCH HIT
(16 to 20 servings)

1 bottle (500 ml.) Irish whiskey

I bottle (200 ml.) anisette

2 quarts strong coffee

8 tablespoons sugar, or to taste

1 pint strong coffee, for ice cubes

Lemon-peel strips

Cream, in pitcher

Sugar, in bowl

In large bowl or container, combine
whiskey, anisette, 2 quarts coffee and
sugar. Stir well and refrigerate. Pour
additional pint of coffee into ice-cube
tray and freeze. At serving time, divide
coffee ice cubes between two prechilled
pitchers, then divide contents of bowl
between pitchers. Serve lemon-peel strips,
cream and sugar alongside pitchers.

DESIGNATED HITTER
(35 to 40 servings)

2 bottles (750 ml. cach) bourbon

1 gallon apple juice or apple cider

2 15-07. jars spiced apple slices

2 lemons, thinly sliced

Sugar, to taste

Combine bourbon and apple juice.
Add apple slices and their syrup to mi
ture. Add lemon slices. Stir and taste for
sweetness. Chill mixture. When ready to
serve, pour over ice in pitchers.

DOUBLE PLAY
(20 to 25 servings)

1 bottle (750 mL) vodka

1 quart orange juice

1 quart grapefruit juice

4 ozs. lemon juice

8 ovs. orange liqueur

90-02. can unsweetened

chunks, including juice

Combine all ingredients in large bowl
or container. Stir well and refrigerate.
To serve, pour over ice in pitchers, divid-
ing pineapple chunks between pitche

Baseball's relief pitchers are rated pri-
marily on their saves—the number of
threats they successfully quell during a
season. PLAYBOY's relicf pitchers will def-
initely save a day or night summer out-
ing, too. And they're also great indoors,
in case there's a rain-out.

pincapple

ЕНУ NEMAN

119012016

2 کے کے pasai‏

АТ
{ NC

j vi y

IMP EIOS

má

1 FiRST мет Romon Polanski 17 yeors ago in London, when | attended o privote viewing of some of his early films mode in Poland.
They were dynomite. Dynomite ond sensitive. Like so mony tolented people, Polonski drew well, always leoning toward humor and
the bizarre. After we become friends, he ond 1 sometimes sketched together. Recently, ot the carnival in Rio, | encountered hi
in exile. 1 wos delighted to find him unchanged, full of energy ond enjoying life, and that's the way | sketched him. His productivity
is further proof that the true artist carries on undaunted, regardless of circumstances. Hurry back, Roman. —LN.

123

BEAUTY *
AND THE

BEACH

any part of the u.s.a. is
just fine with debbie boostrom,
as long as it’s by the ocean.
yesterday, florida;
today, california

Aid 4. Жын. Dp

"I don't enjoy going to bars—I'd rather be outside. I was a cheerleader all
through school, except one year when I wore a back brace—I was thrown
from a horse. Anyway, I'ma day person. I’ve got all my energy in the morning.”

EBBIE BOOSTROM likes the sim-

ple pleasures in life. She grew

up in Largo, Florida, and rare

ly ventured far from the beach.
“IE I wasn’t in school," she says now,
"E was at the ocean. There were a
bunch of us who were always together;
they called us the rat-pack. We'd spend
all day swimming and fishing—I caught
a shark once that almost pulled me off
the boat—and water-skiing. I'll give you
an idea of how much time we spent
doing that: Everybody in the group
could ski barefoot.”

Once she got out of school, Debbie
decided to see America before she set-
ued down, and she didn't mind living
the vagabond life to do it. She and her
boyfriend bought a van, fixed it up like
home and took off. “I think we missed
а few states, but not many. Jt was great
fun. camping out in the mountains
and the deserts. Every day, we'd drive
and see the sights until we fclt like
stopping, and then we'd stop. No rules,
no regulations, just a lot of fun and
freedom. I'll always be glad I did that
while 1 was young. It took a long time,
traveling and bouncing around from
one place to another, to satisfy my
wanderlust.”

But now Debbie's ready to stay put.
Recently, she moved from Miami,
where we first found her—on the
beach, naturally—to California. “My
ends out here all thought I should

because that's where the
ng opportunities are. But
the pace in L-A. is too fast for me. I
want a more easygoing, homeoriented
life." So Debbie spent a few more
weeks living in her van while she ex-
plored the beach arcas south of Los
Angeles. (text continued on page 128)

“Тт a real homebody. I do macramé and needlepoint. There's so much satisfaction in designing something
yourself. The outfit I made for Hef's Halloween party won the ‘sexiest costume’ prize. And 1 love to cook. I'm Swedish
and German, but my specialty is lasagna. I invited Robert Goulet to dinner and that’s what I served.”

When she reached La Jolla, a beautiful community just
north of San Dicgo, she stopped looking. “I fell in love with
it right away. It’s just what I want. Fresh air, nice people,
great weather and the ocean. And a very laid-back pace.”
Modeling opportunities, however, still bring Debbie to
Los Angeles frequently. “I feel like a regular commuter,”
“I've been here four times in the past three weeks,

“One cup of coffee а day—that's my
limit. Believe it or not, I drink water. T
hardly ever cat junk food, but I can't
resist dessert. And I don't smoke.
There's a time in every kid’s life when
the pressure is on to light up. I never
did—grass or cigarettes—and I'm glad.”

“I like a man who wants to get to know you before trying to take you
j | to bed. When you trust each other totally, then it’s magic. Getting to

know somebody sexually before you get to know him personally
doesn't make any sense to me. m basically an old-fashioned romantic.” 129

“My family thinks my being a
Playmate is wonderful. Even my
grandmother thought it was great.
My friends thought I might let it go to
my head, but when we got together
recently, they said, ‘She’s the same

old Boostrom’ They're right—

I've even got my same old van.”
Just before she took off on her cross-
country trek to California, Debbie
indulged in a day's fishing trip (below)
with July 1974 Playmate Carol Vitale
(left) and ЖАДОР Sandra Linder.

but it’s perfect that way. I can visit my
friends, do my work and hurry back
home.”

At home, Debbie lives with her new
love, a young artist who shares her pas-
sion for the simple life. “Just say that my
love life is content. Very content. He's a
great guy and we get along beautifully.
He's got a big heart and a good sense
of humor, and that’s what I look for
most in a man. I guess I'm just old-
fashioned, but I don't want a big career
and lots of love affairs. My ambition is
for a happy marriage and a big family.
That's what I've always wanted. I don't
know why. I just do. My idea of a big
time is staying home with my boyfriend
and watching old movies on TV. I just
love the romance in them. Any Shirley
Temple movie is a must. Clark Gable is a
must. My favorite movie is Gone with
the Wind. That Scarlett really blew it.
She was the dumb one. Really dumb."
Not so our Debbie. She knows what she
wants, and we suspect she'll get it.

GATEFOLD PHOTOGRAPHY BY MARIO CASILLI

PLAYMATE DATA SHEET

pust: ITE wars: 22 ums: 3^
HEIGHT, A A "WEIGHT: 42751085: Cone

BIRTH DATE: _@/.R$/45 BIRTHPLACE: Б> УУУУ ertt
P ?

TURN-ONS 5

TURN- E P OY
Lad baath, аала denkend

FAVORITE MOVIES:

PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES

This attractive man I met last night insists he
just wants to be my friend," one girl told
another. "Now, I'd know what to do with a
would-be lover, but what the hell do I do with
a friend?”

“The same as with that other guy,” replied
the second girl, “but not quite so often.”

les rumored that a well-known New England
newspaper may sponsor a topless female soft-
ball team—to be called the Boston Globes.

Now, dear,” soothed the husband whose recent
marriage was proving to be somewhat of a
disappointment, “you remember the therapist
suggested that our sex life might be improved
by more spontaneity.”

"Yes," muttered his wife, who was naked and
blushing with embarrassment, “but I'm not
quite sure what to do."

“To begin with," groaned the man, "you
might try uncrossing your legs!”

А dynamic young cocksman named Flood,
Who was thinking of standing at stud,
Had his instrument nipped
By some dentures that slipped—
His carcer had been nipped in the pud!

Our Unabashed Dictionary defines financial
straits as heterosexual bankers.

| don’t give a good goddamn what it was the
guy wanted you to do!” the madam raged at
one of her girls. “Don't ever, ever tell a cus-
tomer to go fuck himself! That kind of talk
is bad for business!”

How about that shapely new female pro?”
leered a regular of the golf club.

“It’s a waste of time,” advised a fellow
member.

“How do you know?”

“Туе already gotten out of bounds with her
and learned she’s an unpliable lay.”

Туе been getting off with an aerospace ex-
pediter," confided the girl.

"Is that better," inquired her confidante,
"than a plain old vibrator?"

The tavern braggart was once again relating
his sexual exploits. “You know,” he said, “I
once banged the cutest little Oriental steward-
ess right there in the plane during an over-
night flight. Hey, I really put on a sustained
performance that time! I was so damn good
they oughta maybe make a movie about it.
Let's see . . . what'd be a good title?”

“How about,” yawned the bored bartender,
“Thirty Seconds Over Tokyo?"

Our Unabashed Dictionary defines nympho-
maniac as a compulsive gamboler.

Said a verbal young man from New York
To his girl while inserting his dork:

“I prefer you askew

As we chat while we screw,
So Га welcome some feminine torque.”

Do you have a weapon on you?" asked the
rookie female cop as she searched her first
male suspect.

"No," he answered, "but keep on frisking
me and I will.”

lis nothing unusual," announced the porno-
productions script editor, "just another boy-
eats girl story."

The psychologist said my husband's complex
of sexual inadequacy because of his short
stature might very well be alleviated," the
woman told an office colleague in confidence,
"if he took to wearing those special shoes
with the built-up heels.”

“And have things improved in the bedroom
department?” inquired her friend.

“Yes, definitely but still..."

“But still what?"

“They make the sheets so dirty.”

Heard a funny one lately? Send it on а posi-
card, please, to Party Jokes Editor, PLAYBOY,
Playboy Bldg., 919 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago,
Ill. 60611. $50 will be paid to the contributor
whose card is selected. Jokes cannot be returned.

“And here's the afternoon I surprised Helen and her beach boy.”

137

from warm-up suits to tennis
togs, jock-inspired styles
are still this summer's

winningest look in casualwear

attire
EVEN IF your physical activities are
limited to double martinis on the
terrace, you must admit that all
those physical-fitness freaks running,
jumping and jogging by look rather
spifly in their workout togs. Active
sportswear has become a major in-
fluence on spectator gear; everyone
from a cerebral chess player to a
\ grandstand quarterback is into it

A The styles are incredibly comforta-
5 ble, the look is great—and if some-

1 one challenges you to the best of
three sets, just tell him you left your
racket in your other pants’ locker

Whether your game
is tennis ar tiddlywinks,
you won't be partnerless
long in this nylon warm-up
jacket, $165, worn with
polyester tennis shorts,
$48, cotton/acrylic V-neck,
$70, and a cotton short-
sleeved shirt, $52, all by
HCC America; plus cotton

tennis socks, from Stetson “=
by Camp Hosiery, about $3;
ond leather sneakers, by У a
138 Superga Sport, $52 17

ILLUSTRATIONS BY MARTIN HOFFMAN

There's more to this
yellow chintz out-
fit than yov'd expect;
the sleeves and collar
оге removable and the
jacket, $90, and
slacks, $55, feature
elbow and knee
patches and elasticized
trim, both by
Chiori. The cotton
long-sleeved sweat
shirt with it is by
Yves Sai

Laurent, $33.

139

When it comes to
comfort, nothing beats
this acrylic/polyester
terry velour worm-up out-
fit thot includes o zip-
front jocket, $45, ond
ponts with on-seom pockets
‘and a combinotion elastic
ond drawstring waist,
$38.50, both by Jimmy Con-
140 nors for Robert Bruce.

The rugged look—a
hooded cotton sweat shirt,
$75 (with matching pants not
shown), worn with cotton/
polyester shorts, $24, both by
State O'Maine for Ran Chereskin;
plus cotton hiking socks,
from Stetson by Camp
Hosiery, $5; and
suede hikers’ boots, by Ameri-
con Faotwear, about $85.

141

BEETHOVEN!

and tell tchaikovsky the news
that just about
everybody from classical-music buff
to punk rocker is
getting plugged into portable
cassette. players

article Ву NORMAN EISENBERG

IF YOU'RE IN A SITUATION in which you're deprived of your
regular hi-fi system, you still can enjoy an aural fix,
thanks to a new kind of stereo rig that obligingly goes
wherever you go. The means for enjoying really good
stereo—from a minisystem that weighs not much more
than your wallet—are here.

You can get the general idea from many of the model
names: Sony's Walkman, Infinity's Intimate Stereo, the
Hip Pocket Stereo by Technidyne, Sanyo's Sportster, the
Stereo-toGo from Panasonic, the Caprice Walk-A-
Rounds, Toshiba's Playtime, the KLH Solo, G.E.'s
Stereo Escape, the Audiopac from Aspen Recreational
Products and Liberty's Liberator.

About two years ago, Sonys (continued on page 214)

From left to right: The KLH Solo plays regular cassettes or
picks up FM sounds via a special snap-in FM madule; other
features include automatic cut-over from sterea fo mono in
order to pick up weak FM signals ond a tolk-through switch
with built-in condenser mike when you want to hear what's
happening on the street, $229. Next is Aiwa’s Model TP-S30,
a clever unit that records as well as plays back—and it
even has an automatic-control circuit that modulates record-
ing input levels, $220. At center, you see Technidyne's Hip
Pocket HPS150, a partable sound system that includes a
demo tape, batteries and a carrying case, $149.95. Next to
it is the KT-S2, a Toshiba praduct that comes with an FM cas-
sette and has narmal-, chrome- and metal-tape capabilities,
$200. Last is The Walkman (there'll soon be a smaller, son-
of-Walkman available, which offers remarkable saund
through a pair of featherlight earphanes, by Sony, $199.95.

PHOTOGRAPHY BY OAVIO OEAHL

143

sports BY ANSON MOUNT an early line on

teams and players in both conferences of the n.f.l.

PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL may be the most perfect form of show
business ever invented. While movies, TV and stage productions
are plotted and scripted weeks or months in advance, in the N.F.L.
the outcomes of races and games are as much of a surprise to the
participants as they are to the audiences. Who would have guessed
a year ago that the Oakland Raiders and the Philadelphia Eagles
would wind up in the Super Bowl, or that Jim Plunkett would
be everyone's player of the year? Hell, we didn't even know the
casts of characters in last year's play-offs until the final weekend
of the regular season.

Such dramatics are orchestrated by some of the brightest enter-
tainment professionals in the world. They're the guys who catch
you off guard in the dog days of summer by planting those news

With the seoson's two Cinderella teams meet-
ing head an, Super Bowl XV promised ta be
an exciting shoot-out. But on the third play
of the game, a poss intended far Philadel-
phio tight end John Spognolo was inter-
cepted by Oakland linebocker Rod Martin.
Shortly thereafter, Raider quarterback Jim
Plunkett posed to Clif Branch for o
touchdown, ond the gome wos downhill
the rest of the way as Oakland won, 27-10.

ISTRATION BY ED PASCHKE

eur

[]
i

PLAYBOY

146

PLAYBOY'S 1981 PRE-SEASON ALL-PRO TEAM

OFFENSE

James Lofton, Green Bay
John Jefferson, San Diego
Kellen Winslow, San Diego
Leon Gray, Houston ...
Mike Kenn, Atlanta
John Hannah, New England
Herbert Scott, Dallas
Mike Webster, Pittsburgh .
Dan Fouts, San Diego .
Earl Campbell, Houston
Tony Dorsett, Dallas ....
Ed Murray, Detroit

DEFENSE

Lee Roy Selmon, Tampa Bay
Art Still, Kansas City

Louie Kelcher, San Diego .
Randy White, Dallas

Jack Lambert, Pittsburgh
Ted Hendricks, Oakland
Robert Brazile, Houston ...
Lemar Parrish, Washington .
Lester Hayes, Oakland ....
Nolan Cromwell, Los Angeles
Gary Fencik, Chicago
Dave Jennings, New York Giants .
J. T. Smith, Kansas City

THIS SEASON'S WINNERS

N.F.C. Eastern Division

N.F.C. Central Division
N.F.C. Western Division .......

Wide Receiver
Wide Receiver
..... Tight End
-Tackle
. Tackle

. ... Quarterback
.. Running Back
Running Back
Place Kicker

„Outside Linebacker
Cornerback
Cornerback
Free Safety

Strong Safety

..Punter

Dallas Cowboys.
Minnesota Vikings
Atlanta Falcons

N.F.C. Play-offs. . . . Dallas Cowboys

A.F.C. Eastern Division
A.F.C. Central Division
A.F.C. Western Division

New York Jets
Pittsburgh Steelers
San Diego Chargers

A.F.C. Play-offs . .. . San Diego Chargers

SUPER BOWL....DALLAS COWBOYS

stol from training camp. They get
you in the mood by extending the fore-
play—in the form of ever-earlier pre-
season games. And when they've got you
hooked, they don't let go—they give you
football and more football Sunday,
Monday and sometimes "Thursday, weck
after week, until you look up and you're
already into a new year.

But even those guys couldn't spin
such dramatics out of thin air. Their
secret is simply a great balancing act—
a balance of power among the N.F.L.
teams that's unmatched in any other
form of competitive sport. Such equality
is engineered via a number of rules and
operating procedures that would be im-
possible in a les tightly organized
league.

The most obvious of those equalizing
factors is the annual draft of college
talent, in which the previous year's worst
teams get first choice of the new talent.
But that advantage has real meaning only
in the initial rounds. After that, cagey
scouting and sheer luck are the main fac-
tors. The waiver system—whereby players
cut by talent-laden teams can be picked
up by thinner squads—also helps the
evening-out process.

A less obvious (to fans) but often
more effective balancing mechanism is
something called position scheduling, an
idea dreamed up a few years ago by
New York Jets president Jim Kensil,
then an N.E.L. official. It programs the
various teams’ nondivision schedules so
that the winningest teams from the pre-
vious season are matched against one
another this year, and ditto for the weak-
er squads. As expected, the losers love
the idea; many of the stronger franchises
dislike it intensely.

There isn't that much difference be-
tween the weak and strong teams that
you need to handicap the schedules,”
says Jim Finks, general manager of the
Chicago Bears. “And, in fact, the system
is often counterproductive. A basically
strong team can have a really bad year
because of luck or injuries; then next
year, when they're back to normal, they
find themselyes playing a much weaker
schedule. Also, often unfair to the
public. It’s been ten years now, for ex-
ample, since Bears fans have had a
chance to see the Pittsburgh Steelers
play here in Chicago.

“Position scheduling is just another
attempt to placate the television moguls,
who, after all, want to make their pro-
graming schedules as exciting as possible.
And television money is our lifeblood.
None of the N.F.L. teams could operate
on anywhere near our present Jevel with-
out it. But we have to make certain that
we don't lose control of professional
football to the network programers.
Television executives aren't telling us

(continued on page 188)

“Yes, I screamed for help. Would you like to come in and help him?”

147

2O QUESTIONS: JOAN RIVERS

the bashful comedienne defends her role as
Sex sex symbol and social commentator and explains why she isn't liz taylors best friend

Jes Rivers enjoy: one of the most
active schedules in show business. In
addition to seemingly nonstop appear-
ances in Las Vegas, Lake Tahoe and
Atlantic Gity, she is preparing two
film projects. Robert Grane caught up
with her at her palatial Los Angeles
estate. He tells us: “Television doesn’t
show how really lovely she is. She’s even
funnier in person. And don't belicve her
when she says she has Jewish thighs."

PLAYBOY: You're the sexiest comedienne
working today. Despite the fact that
you're married, do you get hit on a lot?
RIVERS: Yes, I do. A lot more than my
husband realizes. I was asked to pose
nude, but then I really took a look at.
my Jewish thighs. No, I do get hit on.
and it's funny, because the ones who hit
on me are very interesting. It's always
out-oftown businessmen or real Holly-
wood dumb machos. The kind who
haven't read a book since Dick and Jane
and are really impressed when I tell
them how it ended.

rLAYBOY: Who turns you on?
rivers: My husband. My manager. Cary
Grant, a little younger, though. Roy
Scheider, Kris Kristofferson. I have a
great fantasy life. I can look at an old
Laurence Olivier movie and just have
the best time for the next week and a
half. Who clsc turns me on? Dark-haired
Italian men that I could tame. Oh, and,
well, situations—if I were stuck for
days after an earthquake with a really
handsome Italian guy and we both were
just there together with champagne and
a fire going. What could I do? I thought
the world was over.

rLAYBOY: Why is it still difficult for
audiences to accept funny women?

rivers: 1 don't like funny women. I
come out of that generation where the
woman should be beautiful and sexy
and a wonderful flower attached to a
man, сусп though my whole life has
been the a hesis of this. To this day,
you don't expect a woman to be funny.
"That's why someone like Dolly Parton
is so wonderful, because she's pretty and
yet out of her mouth comes funny.
That’s like an extra bonus. Or a Loni
Anderson, Or Lily Tomlin, who is really

very pretty. Nobody likes funny women.
We're a thr 7 don't like funny wom-
en. I don't think I'm funny. I think I'm
witty. Also, who 1 am onstage is not
who I am jn private life. Tremendous
difference. Onstage, I complain for every
woman in America. In private life, I'm
just a shallow, calculating bitch looking
for a rich Arab to take me away. 1 could
clean him up. We could be very happy.

rLAYBOY: Being funny is still considered
a male thing, especially telling dirty
jokes.

RIVERS: I don't like to see a woman tell-
ing dirty jokes. People say Im dirty
and 1 always stare at them. My areas are
just very "women's" kind of areas. I have
a routine now, which my husband hates,
that for Christmas he gave me a box of
Rely tampons. That’s not dirty. I think
that's very funny. It's such a woman's
joke and it shows what your husband
thinks of you. To me, a dirty joke is
two nuns and a rabbi were screwing
four Chinamen—

PLAYBOY: Who makes you laugh?
RIVERS: Lenny Bruce, still. I'll still listen
to his records. My daughter. Albert
Brooks. Jackie Gayle, who is brilliant
i Shecky Greene. Johnny Car-
l- Brenner makes me laugh.
And Rodney Dangerfield, even though
a lot of us are very angry at Rodney
because he runs around screaming at
everybody, “You stole my material.” It's
a joke now among comedians—"Rod-
ney says I stole this one from him." We
laugh because he's so paranoid. But,
anyhow, I think Rodney's very funny.
As for women, Lucille Ball is the best
of the comedy linc. Bea Arthur as
Maude, if you're going into character
comedy. Carol Burnett is the best sketch
performer—ever. Lily Tomlin: You just
want to put your arms around her and
laugh and protect her at the same time.
However, there are a lot of ladies doing
comedy these days who should not be
doing comedy. I love to see a serious
actress who tries to get funny, or a seri-
ous actor. You want to go, "Oh, God, go
back to drama. It's casier.”

PLAYBOY: How do you handle hecklers?
RIVERS: Badly. I cry. Or I shoot them.

Usually, I can handle them. Cher once
did something that I'I love her for the
rest of my life. She had an Arab who
walked onstage during her act to get to
his seat. Total arrogance. He walked
past Cher, who was singing, and sat in
front with his girlfriend with no re-
grets, no excuse-mes, She stopped the
show and had him tossed out. I loved
her for that. They threw him out and
the girlfriend and the camel.

rrAYBoY: What were your first sexual
experiences like?

RIVERS: Positive. My first encounter, as
they say, was with a man 1 had been in
Joye with since I was a child. So it was
a very meaningful, if short, moment. I
went out and bought a special dress for
the occasion, It took longer to pick the
dress than the whole sexual act. I guess
our theme song was [sung to I Feel
Pretty] “I feel nothing.” But we were
very much in love and that was very
important. I waited through college. I'm
glad I started that way. I've had very
few sons of bitches. I've been very lucky.
I was careful who I fell in love with. I
came from a generation where you knew
nothing; you learned by doing. My old
joke was: “I thought you took turns
moving.” Whoever had the good posi-
tion moved. You had to learn. Where
nowadays they know everything.

PLAYBOY: Is your husband romantic?
RIVERS: No, I wish he were. He is very
unromantic and it is upsetting. It's hor-
rendous sometimes, because you just
would love someone to say, "Don't you
look fabulous" or that roses would come
to the house. When we first got married,
when we would have fights—I love gar-
denias—dozens of gardenias would come
and I'd go crazy for that. Or I'm always
looking to open a rose and find a dia-
mond ring in it. Well, after you've
pulled apart 2000 roses, you just go out
and buy your own ring. The nicest
thing my husband can say to me is, “You
don't look bad." It's very English. When
you float down the stairs, you want
something. The thing that I don't like
is when my friends husbands lean
over and tell me how great I look. I
hate when a friend's husband. puts the
hit on you.

(continued on page 198) 149

ч"

jt ed

any

ILLUSTRATION BY GOROON KIBBEE

A FISTFUL
OF FIG
NEWTONS

the gut-wrenching tale of how
an insignificant wimp
managed to transform a football
hero into a man on the run

humor By JEAN SHEPHERD

не SQUAT, chunky glass nestled chill and
L reassuring in my hand. It was one of my
treasured set of matched old fashioned
glasses celebrating the long-past Bicentennial of
our blessed land. Each tumbler bore in mag-
nificent cut-glass bas-relief a portrait of a found-
ing father. Thomas Jefferson, his face stern and
yet patriotically inspiring, sweated slightly on
the side of my icy glass. Under his portrait,
etched with authority, was a quote from The
Great Democrat himself: t BELIEVE IN THE PEOPLE
I stood at the window of my Hth-story apart-
ment red listlessly out into the gathering
gloom. Far below me were hordes of wandering
picketers, their signs waving in the dusk, dis
tance muting their hoarse obscenities. Occasion-
ally, a siren wailed, accompanied by the distant
wink of red Hashers. The apartment lights
dimmed momentarily but struggled bravely back
on, narrowly averting the third blackout of the
week. The Jack Danicl's glowed deep in my
interior. Going about its therapeutic work, it
warmed me.I glanced (continued on page 202)

151

PHOTOGRAPHY BY STAN MALINOWSKI

VIVA
VALERIE!

an intimate visit with
iss perrine,

one of hollywood's

freest spirits

ow many 372436 ex

as showgirls have

copped the prestigious

annes Im Festival. bestac-
tress award? Valerie Perrine did
il, winning in 1975 for her
portrayal of comedian Lenny
Bruce’s wife in “Lenny” (with
Dustin Hoffman). But that's not
all Valerie has done. Her glit-
lery film credits include Holly-
ood blockbusters—like boih
Supermans’ lectric
Horseman”—and a lavish fail-
an't Slop the Music.”

s also traveled the in-
tellectual circuit in Bruce Jay
Friedman's “Steambath” (a PBS
play); her film debut was in the
movie version of Kurt Von-
negul, Jr’s “Slaughterhouse:
Five.” Those successes, Valerie

We at PLAYBOY feel proprietary
about Valerie Perrine. We pub-
lished her first pictarial in May
1972, heralding her movie debut in
Sloughterhouse-Five. Here are twa
scenes fram her latest, Superman
Il; that’s Christopher Reeve

at near right, Gene Hockmon

with Valerie ct far right.

At left, the fine Miss Perrine

with Jack Nicholson, her co-stor

in Universal's forthcoming The
Border, filmed primorily near El
Paso. Nicholson plays o Border
Patrol agent on the lookout for il
legol aliens; Valerie is his wife.
The picture is scheduled for
relecse in lote September.

155

insists, stem from much more than just her pretty face and (usually naked) body. Like what? "My mind,” she says.
And she adds: “I say what I think and I don't think before I say it.” Confused? Don't be. Valerie Perrine is an
outspoken woman, one who hates women's liberation and who loves sex (and loves talking about it, too).

Says interviewer Robert McGarvey of their meeting, "She's cute. She must be. Because she bans smoking in her
house and I still stayed several hours.” If a chain-smoking writer can bear abstaining from cigarettes, plus the 700
pounds of dogs that freely rumble through her house, you can bet what Valerie Perrine has to say is hot.
PLAYBOY: Is it true that you sleep with four dogs and that you've had your brass bed specially reinforced because of it?

Recalling her days in Vegos, Valerie told
PLAYBOY: “Showgirls wolk differently. It
ruins my tennis game. I've been told 1 play
as if | had a book on my head; well, that
comes from carrying 30 paunds of stuft

like bananas, birds and Empire wigs on
my head for ten years. | fell a lot.”

PERRINE: It's an antique, king-sized brass bed and the mattress is on a wooden box that sits on the floor. There's
absolutely no pressure on the bed itself. ... Three of my dogs sleep on the bed. The mastiff [a 250-pounder] doesn’t.
Its a very high Victorian bed and he can't get up there without my helping him and I don't do that very often. Ве
cause he's—it's 100 much! "There's no room for me when the four dogs are on the bed. But we seem to have it all
figured out. There's always a dog next to the pillow, опе on the side and one at my (text continued on page 164)

“FII never be afraid to be poor. 1
was on food stomps and there's a
certain sense of freedom about not
having a lot of money. | could toke
my dogs and live in a thatched hut.”

english sailor songs

The Female Cabin Boy

There was a pretty female, as you should understand,
Who wanted to go roving into some foreign land.
Disguiscd in sailor's clothing she boldly did appear,
Engaging with the captain to serve him for one year.

Engaging with the captain his cabin boy to be.

When the wind began to favor, they quickly put to sea.

The captain had his wife aboard; ‘twas she who would enjoy
To have this willing servant, the pretty cabin boy.

Oh, nimble was this pretty girl; she did her duties well—

The first mate's wish, the bosun's charge—whatever her befell.
But as for the captain, in time, to his annoy,

Began to swell the waist of Nell, the female cabin boy.

One night, the crew of sailors was wakened by a shout.

They bundled from their hammocks and wildly stared about.
“Oh, doctor, oh, doctor,” the cabin boy did cry,

“I think I'll birth a baby, or else I'll surely die.”

The doctor ran with all his might, asmiling at this fun,

To think a sailor lad could have a daughter or a son.

And when the sailors gathered round, they shook their heads
and stared;

The child belonged to none of them, they solemnly declared.

Said the lady to the captain, said she, “I wish you joy,
"Т was cither you or I, then, seduced the cabin boy.”

traditional songs of the 18th and 19th септиги

Ribald Classic

Sailor Cut Down in His Prime

His kindly old father, his gentle old mother

Had warned him ofttimes of the dangers of life:
Flashy girls there are who'll squander your moncy,
Beware of those girls as the thyoat shuns the knife.

But now he is dead and he's laid in his coffin.
Six jolly sailor boys walk by his side.

Each of them carries a bunch of white roses;
They сату the roses his smell for to hide.

And down on the corner there stand two girls talking,
And one to the other will whisper meantime,

“Here comes the young sailor whose money we'd squander,
Here comes the young sailor cut down in his prime.”

On top of my tombstone, please have the words written,
“All you young sailors, take warning by me,

And never go courting the girls of the city;

The girls of the city are cruel as the sea.”

Beat the drum over him, play the pipes lowly,
Play the dead march as the bells start to chime.
Take him to the churchyard and fire three volleys,
For here's. а young sailor cut down in his prime.

Note: This song will be known to readers in its later, Amer-
ican version, The Streets of Laredo. The secret is that the sailor
died of a venereal disease—thus the roses to mask the smell.

The Sea Captain and His Lady

An old ship's captain, marrying late

То а pretty woman of rich estate,

And, coming home from the church that day,
Was handed orders that called him away.

A bold young squire who lived nearby,

Hearing these tidings, resolved to try

To make a cuckoo by design

Whilst the stalwart captain was sailing the brine.

So early next morning, the squire arose

And dressed himself in his very best clothes.
Taking coachman and footman and butler in train,
He goes to the lady and woos her amain.

So upstairs the lady and squire did go,

While Cook and the coachman did tumble below,
And the footman was making the parlormaid moan,
And the butler was up in the garret with Joan.

When six months were over and seven was come,

The slender young lady grew thick in the tum.

When nine months were passing, it happened one day
The captain made port and arrived at the quay.

Took his wife in his arms, gave her lips a warm baste,
Saying, “My dearest jewel, you're thick in the waist.
“Oh, I've grown a bit plumper, I fully agree,

But I won't be astarving whilst you are at sea.”

When supper was ended, they sat in the hall
And the captain's young lady, she gave a great squall.
“The colic, the colic, the colic,” she cried.

“Tm so bad in the colic, 1 fear I shall die!”

The doctor was called for and when he came there,
He ordered the cook a drink to prepare.

But Cook, she replied she'd not stir from her bed.
"I'm so took by the colic, I'd rather be dead."

The midwife was sent for and when she came there,
She delivered the wife of a fine, bonny heir.

She delivered the cook, going on with the same

To the housemaid and Joan—the end of the game.

“Oho!” cried the captain. “A trick, I declare!

But, for the joke's sake, I forgive you, my dear.

Yel, still there's one thing you must tell if you can—
Are all these four babies the work of one man?”

ILLUSTRATION BY BRAD HOLLAND.

Ba 161

Consumer Orientation Subject:
Design, Improvement,
No. 12 ina Series and Production of the Porsche 924/924 Turbo.
of Technical Papers Model Years 1977 through 1981.
At Porsche, we take pride in ıe future for new technologies and new improvements.

Because excellence is expected, we constantly re-examine, redesign, and improve our engineering concepts.
Since its introduction four years ago, the 924 —like all Porsches—has been continuously improved at
Weissach. in high-stress field tests, and on the track.
In 1979, we introduced a turbocharged 924. Many of its improvements for 1981 are detailed below.
Perhaps as a result of our continuing development, the 924 has been chosen the" Best Sports Car of the World"
in the up to 2-litre class by the readers of Auto, Motor und Sport—four times in the last four years.

New halogen headlamps рго-
vide wider and brighter light—

an increase of approximately The 1981 Porsche 924 Turbo introduces a new electronic digital ignition system with automatic idle
30% over last year. In addition, stabilization. Now, regardless of engine load, engine rpm is maintained (+50 rpm). In addition, engine
the diffusion pattern of each output has been increased from 143 to 154 hp because of greater ignition accuracy (every 1.8? of crank
lens provides greater visibility, rolation is controlled) and more efficient combustion chamber design. The new electronic ignition is set
extending the driver's field permanently. No maintenance is required because there is no mechanical wear and tear.

of vision. The precision and accuracy of the new electronic digital ignition

m. system has made it possible to raise the 924 Turbos compression
zu А ratio to 8.0:1—without the fear of
knocking. Asa result, the 924
Turbosfuel economy has risen
to an EPA estimated[20]mpg.
with 33 mpg estimated

Internally-vented disc brakes
are now standard equipment on
all four wheels of the 924 Turbo.
Compared to drum brakes, they
dissipate heat more rapidly, and
thus reduce fading.

Turbocharging inci Ө
density of the charge supplied
to the engine—at up to 172 times
normal atmospheric pressure.
The result: more efficient com-

N bustion. Compared toanaturally-
To help keep the driver and his. N К = aspirated engine of the same
passenger comfortable, air < - Loe! size, the 1981 Porsche 924
conditioning is now standard Turbos engine produces an
equipment in the 924 Turbo. > increase of 40% in horsepower
Power windows are also standard. and 39% in torque.

Porsche 924/924 Turbo

о. аш

For more convenience in stop-
and-gocity driving. first gear—
whichis seldom used onthe New five-bolt 6JX 15 light alloy
track—has been moved into wheels maintain strength yet
the H-pattern: reduce unsprung weight. Fitted
with high-speed 185/70VR 15
radial ply tires, they improve
both ride and tire traction.

At Porsche. we don't believe

that increases in engine power
and emission control are
mutually exclusive. Thus power,
‘economyand exhaust emissions
all have been improved

In January, 1981, we built the 100,000th Porsche
924. Because we're engineers, interested in
continuous improvement, we know it was the
best one built—up to then It was almost as
good as the ones we're building today. Test
drive the 924. For your nearest dealer, call toll-
free (800) 447-4700. In Illinois, (800) 322-4400.
PORSCHE +

AUDI
NOTHING EVEN COMES CLOSE

(Note Use the’ estimated mpg’ for comparison
Mpg varies with speed. trip length. weather
Actual highway mpg will probably be less )

PLAYBOY

164 studio [Universal],

VIVA VALERIE! (continued from page 158)

“T don't understand when people say Valerie Perrine
is sexy. I don't even understand what they mean.”

feet. They like sleeping on the pillows
the best—they actually put their heads
on the pillow, just like people. Thurber
[the mastiff] sleeps at the foot of the bed.
God forbid somebody should come into
my room in the dead of night!

PLAYBOY: No kidding? How big are the
others?

PERRINE: One of the great Danes weighs
150 pounds; the other, 130. The cross-
breed is a little lighter.

PLAYBov: They get along, we assume.
PERRINE: No! They fight. I've a hole in
my arm to prove it. But only two of
them fight at the same time. They don’t
get in huge pack fights—unless they get
out of the house, God forbid!

PLAYBOY: They never stray off your
grounds?

PERRINE: No, no! When they're all four
in a pack, they can be dangerous. I can't.
handle all four of them. They go after
other dogs, kids. . . .
PLAYBOY: They're, er, well behaved now.
PERRINE: [Menacing laugh] They sure are,
aren't they? Do you know, the people
next door are redoing their house and
some jerk—one of the guys who're put-
ting in a fence there—put his hands
through the fence. Well . . . they bit him.
They were grring [Perrine makes vi-
cious, teeth-gnashing growls] and he
went to pel them! I couldn't believe it!
PLAYBOY: Tell us, how did the daughter
of a career military officer ever happen
to become a Las Vegas showgirl?
PERRINE; I have no idea. Just boom, like
that. I didn't know a soul—just checked
into a motel and started knocking on
doors. . . . I worked at the Desert Inn
until they decided to make the girls
wear see-through costumes. I said Га
quit unless they made me the star of the
show, which they did, and I liked that.
Then I got this big thing in my bonnet
about going further than just Vegas. Not
necessarily in show business; just with
myself as a human being. I'd done it
in Vegas, so I left and went to live in
Europe, traveling around. Then I came
back to Los Angeles and three months
later, I was doing Slaughterhouse-Five.
PLAYBOY: You had no prior acting ex-
perience. How did you get the female
lead in Slaughterhouse-Five?

PERRINE: Totally out of nowhere. I was
having dinner at a girlfriend's house. An
agent was there, too. He saw me giggling
and carrying on and asked if I could
act. I thought, Why not? So I said yeah.
He took snapshots of me out to the
they arranged a

screen test and I got the job. I'd never
been on a movie lot before in my life.
PLAYBOY: In past interviews, you've been
quoted as saying, “I can’t act.” Can you?
PERRINE: I said I couldn't act? I’m not so
sure 1 that. I might have said I
don't act—you know, I'm not conscious
of acting. I might be reacting. To say I
can't act sounds as if I think I don't
have any talent. I've never thought that.
PLAYBOY: For good reasons. Director Bob
Fosse—Lenny, Cabaret, All That Jazz—
said of your work in Lenny: “Quite
simply, she is the best actress I've ever
directed." Didn't you return the com-
pliment when Fosse suffered a heart at-
tack a few years back?

PERRINE: This is true. I did send him a
life-size pinup of me in nothing but a
G string. It was put up in his hospital
room.

PLAYBOY: To cheer him up?

PERRINE: [Laughs] Like he said, it
cheered up the staff.

PLAYBOY: What do you think about
nudity in posters, in magazines?

PERRINE: Obviously, 1 don't think any-
thing's wrong with it—or I wouldn't
have done it. I would still do it. I don’t
think there's anything wrong with nude
pictures—as long as you don't show
your [coy voice] private area. This I
will never do.

PLAYBoy: Because privates are privates?
PERRINE: Uh-huh. [Laughs] But tits and
ass! My God, it's nothing. The whole
world sees tits and ass. National Geo-
graphic—tits and ass!

PLAYboY: One former pinup star, who
seemingly just found religion, has com-
plained that she “hated” how men
looked at pictures of her——

PERRINE: You said somebody who “just
found religion.” I don't think I ever lost
it And I have never thought people
would think lascivious thoughts when
they looked at something like that. What.
makes her think theyre thinking bad
thoughts? Maybe they're thinking good,
like, Hmmm. Look at that опе! What's
wrong with that? It's a perfectly natural,
lovely reaction. Or, Isn't she beautiful!
Doesn't she have a nice body! Even if
its, I would love to make love to her—
that's a lovely thought.

PLAYBOY: How do you respond to
people's looking at a picture of you and
then wanting to make love to you?
PERRINE: Not as an insult. I take it as
a compliment. God forbid somebody'd
think, Make love with her? Uuuggghhh!
That’s when you're in trouble: Üuuggg-

hhh! It's disgusting!
PLAYBOY: A theme that runs through
your press coverage is, Valerie Perrine:
The Sex Symbol. How does that grab
you?
PERRINE: You have to have some sort of
image. What's wrong with sex symbol?
Nothing! I think it's nice—if that's what.
they want to think. I dom't consider
myself a sexy person . . . I don't know
what it is to be sexy. I've never met—
I've never looked at a girl and thought
she was sexy. Even when I sce a man
who's sexy—which doesn't happen very
often—there's not one thing I can de-
fine as sexy. I may look at one guy and
think he's sexy because he's funny:
another because he has blue eyes and
blond hair; and another one because
he has $10,000,000. [Laughs] I don't
understand the whole thing. I don't
know what it is that makes people E
For me, it's always changing: it's differ-
ent with everybody. That's why I don't
understand when people say: Valerie
Perrine is sexy. I don't even understand
what they mean.
PLAYBOY: So you're not gratified when
people say you're sexy?
PERRINE: Being sexy is a superficial, shal-
low attribute. It's temporary. It's not
something you've done. It’s just some-
thing people think you are.
PLAYbov: Nonetheless, many people do
think you're sexy. You created a sensa-
tion, for example, when you came on-
screen with bare boobs in Bruce Jay
Friedman's Steambath. That was a TV
first—were you conscious of that?
PERRINE: I'm usually never conscious.
[Laughs] "That's a very rare state of
mind for me. Conscious of what?
PLAYBOY: Breaking a TV taboo.
PERRINE: No. It was just acting. Don't
forget—I worked topless in Vegas. It's
no big thing. God, they really make such
a big thing out of mammary glands! It's
the way I look at it. And I'm probably
one of the most prudish girls when you
get down to it. I'm very, very difficult
to even get to kiss on the 20th date.
[Laughs] But as far as walking around
showing your mammary glands, to me,
it's silly to make a big thing out of it.
ғтлувоу: Perhaps it depends upon the
size of the mammary glands in question.
Still, that’s a novel distinction: being
prudish yet willing to be naked in
public.
PERRINE: I'm not willing to be naked. I'll
never show my private parts. I always
have on a G string. For me, G string is
dressed. I could probably be a nudist if
I were into running around with other
naked people. I don't like the feeling of
clothes. I don't think it's that important.
to be dressed.
PLAYBOY: High collars, not bare chests,
usually go with prudishness.

(continued on page 184)

THE VANISHING-SUITCASE CAPER

every day at airports all over the world, canny thieves pocket

lots of cash by vouting

WHATEVER EDDIE WANTS, Eddie gets. He's a baggage
handler for a major airline in Miami. He's very good
at his regular job, sorting and loading incoming and
outgoing passenger luggage. But he's excellent at his
other job: For the past seven years, as the other han-
dlers tell it, Eddie has assumed the unchallenged posi-
tion as the best thief on the line.

The 27-year-old Eddie has what it takes to substan-
tially supplement his income. He has that special feel,
that right touch, that uncanny way of finessing the best

your valuable luggage their way

out of a suitcase in less than 30 seconds. Very little gets
by him. He knows when to look, what to look for and
where to look for it. When it comes to spotting the good
prospects, he isn’t impressed by Gucci leather nor de-
ceived by Woolworth vinyl.

Eddie doesn't steal bags, just their contents. For him,
it’s what's inside that counts: jewelry, expensive radios
and tape decks, furs, negotiable securities, packets of
cash stuffed inside dirty socks. He stays away from the ob-
vious temptation of the normal assortment of “oversize”

article By PETER S. GREENBERG

PLAYBOY

items: golf clubs, in-the-box television
sets, skis.

Baggage has been one of the airlines"
major headaches since the beginning of
commercial flying. In the current era of
deregulation, fewer and more crowded
Rights, soaring costs, sophisticated thieves
and a growing number of crooked pas-
sengers, the baggage mess has mush-
roomed into a yearly loss of more than
$110,000,000. As a result, more and more
passengers have involuntarily become
firm believers in the philosophy that
there are really only two kinds of airline
baggage: carry-on and lost.

Airlines claim they're trying to make
things better. The major carriers all have
installed some form of automated bag-
gage systems. Eastern has an expensive
laserscanner sorting system in Miami;
United has a computer voiceactivated
routing system in Chicago: American
has a fancy push-button operation at
LaGuardia.

When the systems work, they can
move and sort upwards of 4000 bags an
hour. When they don’t—which is often—
memories are rekindled of the madness
once displayed by the computers at the
mammoth Dallas/Fort Worth Regional
Airport a few years back, when passen-
gers and their baggage were regularly
stranded for hours and baggage that
wasn't chewed to bits got lost in a moun-
tain of 2000 cases.

So sophisticated passengers often in-
sist on keeping all their baggage, argu-
ing that what the airlines don't lose they
damage. In 1979 alone, TWA spent more
than $2,200,000 just to fix bags it had.
ripped, slashed, stained, eaten or other-
wise mangled.

Recently, Swissair—an airline with one
of the best baggage reputations in the
business—wanted to promote its dili-
gence in reuniting the occasional lost
bag with its owner. Ads in major news-
papers and magazines claimed that Swiss-
air had found an unidentified bag at the
Zurich airport last September. The ad
copy described the bag, then praised the
airline for being efficient, thorough апа
caring. Less than a month later, the car-
rier ran a second, deadpan ad, announc-
ing that 37 "owners" of the bag had
responded before the actual owner was
located.

According to the Civil Aeronautics
Board, baggage complaints are second
only to schedule problems in passenger
gripes to the agency (according to the
CAB's Consumer Complaint Report, on
the domestic side, Delta, Southwest,
Ozark and United have the fewest com-
plaints; Pan American, TWA and
Braniff the most). The CAB is cur-
rently considering raising U.S. airline
liability for mishandling passenger bags

165 from $750 to $1000 per passenger.

At Pan Am, they still talk about the
Mazatlán disaster of 1973, when dozens
of vacationers’ bags that should have
been tagged мәт were labeled staza-
TLAN/sIN (Mazatlán is in the Mexican
state of Sinaloa). Not one bag made it
off the plane in Mexico. The next day,
Pan Am's offices received an urgent wire
from the Paya Lebar International Air-
port in Singapore: “WE SEEM TO BE HOLD-
ING AN AWFUL LOT OF BAGS HERE FOR A
MR. MAZATLAN. . . .” The luggage was
ultimately returned to its irate owners.

It's been suggested that, if America
really wants to dispose of nuclear waste,
we should pack it in Louis Vuitton bags
and check it in on a Braniff flight to
Lima. Braniff won't comment publicly,
but some of its employecs in South
America claim that the baggage-theft
rate from Braniff's DC-8s and 747s serv-
ing the Continent is alarming. “It is not
unusual on some of our flights,” shrugs a
Braniff station agent, “to lose 20 or 30
bags. These are not Braniff employees
stealing them,” he adds, “but ground
people.”

Braniff, which has been having substan-
tial problems aside from baggage losses
(namely, a monumental $131,000,000
loss in 1980 that cost its long-standing
chairman, Harding Lawrence, his job),
has now privately appealed to Peruvian
authorities to monitor closely the load-
ing and unloading operations in Lima.

A growing number of passengers seem
to have decided that if the airlines can
lose real bags, they can also permanently
misplace nonexistent ones. Using a vari-
ety of schemes, passengers have managed
to file phony claims and collect up to the
$750 the CAB currently recognizes as the
limit on liability.

"I've never seen a claim yet that didn't
include at least one diamond watch or a
Nikon camera," complains Joseph Daley,
vice-president of public relations at Pan
Am. "Some of these things get pretty
ridiculous."

One scam simply involves palming an
additional baggage stub from a willing
skycap. Another is to buy the cheapest
bag possible, fill it with newspapers and.
check it for a flight. Upon arrival at the
destination, the passenger waits for the
bag at the carrousel. When it appears,
he grabs it long enough to remove the
luggage tag from the bag and then re-
places it on the carrousel. Then comes
the irate claim at the baggage desk. In a
matter of weeks, the passenger, having
supplied the airline with a full descrip-
tion of the phantom bag and its expen-
sive contents—often including receipts—
Ш probably receive a check for $750.
"It's a great way to pay for your vaca-
tion,” says a 29-year-old housewife from
Madison, Wisconsin. “Last year, we
pulled it on Mexicana when we took our

Club Med vacation. It worked like a
charm.”

Despite a bag-tracing and matching
computer system run by Eastern in
Miami (and used by more than two
dozen airlines), the bogus claims con-
tinue to be honored. “Here's where the
public really gets screwed," says one
baggage official at American. “If you're
flying first class and you're a repeat
traveler and file a phony claim, the air-
line will usually pay right away. But it's
the first-time flier who paid cash for his
coach ticket and really loses his bags—
that's the claim that gets denied.”

Says Dick Fiorenzo, a veteran agent
who moved from National to Pan Am
when Pan Am took over his old airline:
“The way I figure it, about 25 percent
of the phony claims are going to slip
through. They'll beat you. My last year
at National, we had $2,000,000 in
claims.”

But not without a fight. "We've got
good intuition down here," he says.
“And we can often smell a bad claim."

The best-known bad claim was made
in December 1978. National employees
call it their Cinderella story. A particu-
larly wellendowed woman flew from
New York to Palm Beach, Florida, and
National lost her bag. She filed a claim:
mink coat, expensive jewels and other
clothing—totaling a few thousand dollars.

Three weeks later, an employee in the
airline's tracing center went through all
the unclaimed bags and called Fiorenzo.
"We've got that woman's bag," he
boasted.

“How do you know?” Fiorenzo asked.
“Ts there a name on it?”

There was a long pause. “Not exactly,”
came the response. "I mean, there's no
mink coat or expensive jewels inside,
although the bag seems full.”

“Then how do you know it's hers?”
Fiorenzo demanded.

Another pause. “Well,” laughed the
agent, "there's a bra in here size 40-D."

That's all Fiorenzo needed. He hired
an investigator, had the woman visited,
ostensibly to verify ownership. The real
mission: to confirm breast size. When
the boobs matched, the woman quickly
dropped her claim.

Still, a majority of the claims are very
real. And too many passengers get left
not holding the bag.

Airline statistics argue that legitimate-
ly lost bags have a high probability of
being returned. It is the baggage theft
problem that seems to plague airlines
most.

Take the case of Marshall Harrison,
for example. An elderly gentleman, Har-
rison had apparently perfected a scam
to rip off bags from a host of claim areas
at Los Angeles International. His M.O.
was to pick out the bags he wanted, then

“Those jungle drums! That monotonous rhythm is driving me mad!”

PLAYBOY

go up to the security people (who nor-
mally ask for a claim stub) and plead
forgetfulness. “He'd say things like his
wife was waiting in the car, that they
had come such a long way," says one se-
curity official, "and they'd always let
him go through.”

Then, in October 1979, Harrison's act
was halted by a freak coincidence. A
Continental Airlines —baggageservice
agent, David Scott, was at the Pan Am
terminal to pick up two misrouted bags
when he noticed Harrison removing
those very bags from the building. Scott.
summoned the Los Angeles police and
Harrison was arrested.

On March 30, 1980, Scott (who had
appeared as a witness against Harrison)
again saw Harrison acting suspiciously
on the sidewalk in front of the Conti-
nental terminal, about to move in on
some bags resting in a skycap's cart.
Scott detained Harrison until the police
took custody of him and charged him
with violation of his rather specific pro-
bation condition: He was not supposed
to be at LAX without an airplane ticket.

Les than a month later, on April 19,
Scott was on an airport ser' bus on
his way to work when he again spotted
Harrison removing two bags from the
TWA baggage-claim area. Scott ran off
the bus and detained Harrison again
until an arrest could be made. This time,
Scott received a commendation from the
ne. Harrison was finally jailed.
‘Whether it's internal or external
theft" says a Continental spokesman,
"we have a strong company policy that
favors prosecution."

But most thieves are a little more
slippery than Marshall Harrison. Mexi-
cana, an airline with a relatively good
reputation for inflight service, as well
as baggage handling, was hit hard re-
cently with some serious thefts, especial-
ly in cities such as Guadalajara, where
bags were frequently stolen. In 1980, the
airline paid out more than 25,000,000
pesos (more than $1,000,000) in claims
for lost or stolen bags, a huge increase
over previous years, “It was a growing
problem," says one top company official,
"and we had trouble controlling it."

‘The situation has improved for the
time being, though, since the Mexican
government installed a new director of
customs. Mexicana officials don't think
that is pure coincidence—many Mexi-
cana flights make intermediate stops cn
route to their destinations, and most of
the thefts occurred at those stops. “We
can't prove says an official, "but
we're convinced that the bags were be-
ing ripped off by customs officials at
places like Tampico and Monterrey. We
were never given receipts for the bags
that they pulled off the planes,” he says.
“More often than not, we never saw

168 those bags again. The biggest problem

was how could we complain to the gov-
ernment about this when it was the gov-
ernment stealing the bags?”

But often, it's the airlines’ own em-
ployees doing the stealing. Take, for
example, a recent Continental Airlines
case. For well over a year, an unusual
number of baggage claims were being
presented by distraught Continental pas-
sengers who had boarded flights in
Seattle. Soon the airline's security depart-
ment began studying the claims, trying
to determine a pattern. “We knew some-
body was into our knickers,” says Don
Lohmeyer, Continental security chi
“and we were determined to catch him.’

First, officials figured out the tl
method of operation: The loaders placed
Western Airlines bag tags on Continental
luggage and had them sent as “interline”
baggage to the Western bag area. Later
they collected the bags themselves at the
airport.

A surveillance team was soon posi-
tioned and, in November 1979, local
police arrested two Continental baggage
loaders and charged them with theft in
the first degree—a felony in the state of
Washington. When authorities went to
the apartment of one, Leon Minter, they
recovered more than $10,000 in cameras,
tape recorders and jewelry, not to men-
tion a host of empty bags, many of which
still had tags on them,

Continental has been lucky. Since the
Minter case, it has closely monitored
interline baggage; and in 1980, it was
able to reduce its claims, as well as the
average claim amount, by 30 percent.

The FBI has been hip to the interlin-
ing scam for years but didn't become
officially involved until 1975, when the
thieves got so greedy at Chicago's O'Hare
International Airport that the Feds were
called in. So much was being stolen (to
this day, the total hasn't been tallied)
that the FBI dispatched two undercover
agents posing as baggage handlers.

Two months later, more than 20 bag-
gage loaders were arrested and charged
with theft from interstate shipments.
During the last month of their surveil-
lance (October 1975), the agents added
up more than $100,000 in items lifted
from passenger bags. “This was quite an

ion,” says an agent who worked
the case. “The ring had been in business,
we later found out, since 1971. They had.
obtained the master keys to all kinds of
luggage. If you can believe it, they espe-
cially liked to steal false teeth and bridge-
work that so many passengers seemed
always to pack. They'd sell them for $100
a set because of the gold and silver they
contained.” Of those arrested, 13 were
later found guilty.

"Thats only one case," the G man
says. “Interline thefts are happening every
day; but unless the crooks get greedy, we
never hear about them.”

It wasn't long before the FBI heard
about bag thefts again—this time at the
hands of a rather ecumenical bunch of
baggage handlers at Washington's Na-
tional Airport. A Federal undercover
agent posed as a fence willing to buy
thousands of dollars’ worth of clothing,
jewelry, rare coins—even a $10,000 sav-
ings bond. A Federal grand jury indicted
five baggage handlers from various air-
lines and charged them with possession
of stolen goods.

“No bag was safe,” said Thomas K.
Berger, assistant U.S. Attorney handling
the case. "It was a very smooth opera-
tion . . . accomplished in a highly profes-
sional manner.”

‘That was in 1977. A year later, accord-
ing to Aviation Week & Space Technol-
ogy, Eastern airlines discovered it had
paid $8,300,000 to travelers claiming
lost, stolen or pilfered baggage—a whop-
ping increase of 59 percent from the pre-
vious year. The airline also fired 73
employees that year for "dishonesty"—
misuse of moncy, tickets, passes and bag-
gage. By 1979, Eastern was offering
a "maximum security" award—up to
$5000—to any employee providing in-
formation leading to the dismissal or
arrest of a co-worker for theft. Then the
airline started a theft-awareness program
at its Miami base. Eastern president
Frank Borman also sent a letter of con-
cern about theft to all Eastern employ-
ees.

Workshops and award programs—of-
fered by a number of carriers—are not
always successful. According to one
TWA station agent, the airline has been
hit hard by its own employees but has
been reluctant to prosecute those it has
caught, apparently fearing adverse pub-
licity. Although TWA officials deny it,
the airline was hard-hit for a time by
scrious pilfering of baggage being board-
ed for its flight 148, a daily nonstop from
Las Vegas to New York's J.F.K. “The
reason they were hitting that flight," says
one TWA employee familiar with the
story, "is that they knew it was loaded
with high-rollers on their way back.
They figured correctly that a number of
bags would be loaded with valuable
clothing, jewelry and lots of heavy silver
dollars these people were bringing back
as souvenirs for their grandkids or
whatever.

In 1978, Western Airlines was having
similar problems with flights out of
Las Vegas. When the losses started
mounting that summer, the baggage
claims got traced to flights that had
originated in Las Vegas. Westem went
directly to the FBI, and on September
seventh, the agency installed special
videotape cameras in the air ducts di-
rectly above the Western bag room at
McCarran International Airport. “These

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PLAYBOY

170

people knew exactly how to rip off
bags,” says the FBI agent who broke the
case. “They were lining up the large
metal baggage containers in such a way
that anyone coming through the doors
into the bag room would see only the
backs of the containers. They couldn't
see the employees going through the
bags. They had lookouts and signals, so
they knew when to start and stop.”

FBI agents concealed in a nearby room
monitored the action, which was recorded
on video tape for two weeks. On the
morning of September 20th, another FBI
agent checked a bag loaded with goodies
for a flight he had no intention of
making. A few minutes later, the agents
arrested three bag loaders, charging each
with theft from interstate shipment, a
Federal offense.

All three pleaded guilty; all three re-
ceived suspended sentences. Two received
fines of $300; the third, a whopping $500.
“Baggage theft from passengers is big
business,” says the agent, “and just about
every one of our field offices is now work-
ing these cases.

"You bet it's big,” says one of those
arrested by the FBI in the Western Air-
lines case. “It was going on before I got
there, and it's going on there right now.
With me, [stealing bags] was more of a
game, and 1 knew that eventually we
would get caught. It became like a high,"
he says. “It became fun. Everyone knew
I was doing it, and everyone I knew was
doing it himself. Even the most honest

Mormon boys out there on the ramp
would steal five or ten dollars on occa-
sion. The rest of us would steal whatever
was available.

"I was supervisor of baggage on the
day shift,” he reports. "I worked for
Western for nine years, and after all that.
time, nothing gets by you that you don't
want to get by you. In Vegas, people
would walk up and check 400 or 500
silver dollars in one bag. Hell, you just
pick the bag up and you can tell how
much is in there, just by one shake. On
some days, we'd just pull in $100. Other
days would be $1000 days And," he
confesses, "I used to think, God, this is
terrible. It would frighten the poor pas-
senger to death if he knew his luggage
really had no security.”

When he started work for Western, he
was making $3.15 an hour. When he got
busted, his salary was between $20,000
and $25,000. “But I got caught because
my greed wouldn't stop. We hit one
doctor and his wife on their way to
Hawaii for several thousand dollars in
jewelry and even some credit cards.
Then there is all the dope we used to
steal. There was a baggage guy named
Jim who smoked dope, and the skycaps
used to tell me he got all his shit from
the bags. So one night 1 started watch-
ing him. Sure enough, he'd open up
the luggage and you'd be amazed at
how many people carried already-rolled-
up joints and little Baggies of Colom-
bian. But Jim didn’t consider that

“Well, you passed the parking test, Miss Ames.”

stealing. We also had a guy in lost and
found who had a collection of 40 expen-
sive cameras—and they didn’t consider
that stealing, either.”

When it came to acts of pure craziness,
the baggage loaders protected one an-
other. “We had this one guy,” says the
former Western supervisor, “who was
fired one day because he took a set of
golf clubs that was coming in off a flight
and broke them. He just took them out
of the bag individually and broke all the
clubs, one by one, and then put them on
the baggage-claim belt and down they
went to the public areas where everyone
could see them. Well, some of the boys
came to me and said we had to get this
guy off the hook. He filed a union
grievance, of course, so when the arbi-
tration hearing came up in Los Angeles,
I went there as the corn-pone, country,
short-haired, clean-cut all-American su-
регуіѕог to say how amazed and as-
tounded I was to hear that this man
had broken anything. Why, this man had
worked for me for five years. I must have
been convincing,” he laughs, “because
the company rehired him. A year later,
he was fired with me after the FBI bust.”

Authorities are still laughing about
what they call the Jack-in-the-Box Caper.
‘The scam seemed as simple as it was
complicated. According to Federal offi-
cials who literally stumbled onto the
case, the plot was hatched when ramp
servicemen in Los Angeles decided to
come up with a novel method for rip-
ping off passenger bags and registered
mail. Instead of stealing them when the
bags were checked in or later, at their
destinations, why not steal them at
33,000 feet?

Two TWA servicemen and a friend
bought themselves a 5x 4 x 5’ steamer
trunk, added an oxygen tank, foam pad-
ding, flashlight, food and clothing. They
then marked it MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS
and waited for the right flight. They de-
cided to hit Eastern Airlines flight 82,
departing at 7:50, nonstop for Atlanta,
one morning in April 1980.

At the appointed hour, William De-
Lucia, a 13-year TWA veteran, slid into
the trunk. His colleague David McCulley
flew ahead on a previous flight to wait
at the destination. Lloyd Santana, who
was not an airline employee, then
checked DeLucia, along with four suit-
cases—all empty—as baggage on the
flight. Santana then boarded the Eastern
L-1011 for the four-hour flight to Georgia.

En route, DeLucia got out of the
trunk, switched destination tags on the
itcases from Atlanta to Kansas
led suitcases and took six sacks of
registered mail and shoved his selections
into his own suitcases. Then he returned
to the trunk.

When the plane landed in Atlanta,

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PLAYBOY

everything went fne until the baggage
from the flight was being unloaded. An
Eastern baggage handler inadvertently
released a lever that opened the end
of the trunk, exposing DeLucia's feet.
When McCulley and Santana went to
claim their "instruments," they were
arrested. All three were charged with
mail theft—a felony. At the end of their
16-day trial, DeLucia and McCulley were
both sentenced to seven-year prison
terms. Santana received a six-year sen-
tence. All three have appealed.
.

Still, as costs for losses soar and the
airlines get tougher on security, internal
baggage thefts seem to continue una-
bated. "Sure, theyve gotten tougher,"
says Tim Riley (not his real name), a
baggage loader for Eastern Airlines at
Miami International. “They started the
reward system. Big deal,” he laughs.
“They even thought they'd boost com-
pany morale by making us all stock-
holders of ten shares each. But many of
us feel that they're still not paying us
enough,” says the nine-year veteran and
part owner of his company. “With the
number of bags we move here in Miami
and the frequency of our operations, we
can pretty much take anything we want,”
he boasts. “You want leather jackets, we
know where to get them. If you want a
specific size, you may have to wait a day
or two. Appliances or stereos are a
breeze,” he adds, "since so many latinos
come to Miami just to buy shit to take
home with them. Besides,” he says,
"with more than 60 carriers in and out
of here, there's lots of interlining and
plenty of opportunity. For a while," he
reports, “a lot of the guys carried master
keys to the expensive bags. Then the
rich folks started checking in cheap shit,
so we don't even need keys anymore. So
we go by the weight and the feel. After
a while, you just know which are the
good bags. And," he argues, "we're not
just doing it for kicks. Many of us look
at what were doing as our own hedge
against inflation."

Folks like Tim seem to be sprinkled
throughout Fastern's wide route system.
"The airline is having theft problems
in San Juan, Miami and at J.F.K.”
says a longtime Eastern employee at
the airline's St. Louis facility. "At
Miami, there were a number of curb-
side baggage rip-offs involving skycaps
employed by Eastern. The airline may
not want to talk about it, but it is trying
to solve the problem.”

Eastern has refused comment. Last
year, when The Atlanta Journal ran
a major story claiming that Eastern's
new $22,000,000 baggage system at
Hartsfield Atlanta International Air-
port wasn’t working, the airline angrily
removed all advertising from the paper.

172 Still Eastern didn't deny the facts con-

tained in the story. (At this writing, the
system is still not operating properly.)

In Denver, a number of airlines are
monitoring baggage-loss claims to try to
break a theft ring. In Maui, where the
attitude of airport officials is so laid back
that just about anything can happen—it
does happen. At Chicago's O'Hare, at
Houston and Detroit, a number of air-
lines are using “beeper bags," suitcases
rigged with radios that begin transmit-
ting as soon as they are opened. But
despite such measures, luggage still gets
snatched. At many airports, airlines use
a chaotic honor system and thieves mere-
ly drive up to the terminal, pick out a
few bags and drive off. So much for
honor.

Then, of course, there's J.F.K. “Se-
curity at this terminal is very bad,"
admits one customerservice agent for
TWA. "We keep telling management
that when bags pile up here, people can
just walk out with anything. It happens
a lot. But management won't listen.
"They feel it's cheaper to pay claims than
to hire someone to guard the bags."

But J.F.K. pales in comparison with
London's Heathrow Airport. Consider
the plight of British Airways passenger
Derek Mayhew. In 1977, homeward
bound from business in the Arabian gulf,
he boarded a British Airways L-1011 jet
in Bahrein and discovered—much to his
pleasant surprise—that, by a freak reser-
vations foul-up, he would be the only
passenger aboard the 250seat wide-
bodied jet.

He was wined and dined all the way
back to London. Upon landing at Heath-
row, an army of baggage loaders lined up
to shepherd his lone suitcase. You
guessed it: The bag didn’t arrive until
three days later.

Mayhew can consider himself one of
the lucky ones. At least he got his bag.
Heathrow now enjoys the reputation
among passengers and airlines as the
airport with the worst baggage record
in the world. More baggage gets lost,
stolen or pilfered at Heathrow than
anywhere else.

At first, the British poked fun at the
luggage madness. When Concorde service
was introduced a few years back, British
Airways promoted it heavily with posters
throughout England that proclaimed,
BREAKFAST IN LONDON, LUNCH IN WASH-
INGTON. Within a few days, almost every
poster carried an additional, graffiti
promise: LUGGAGE IN BRISBANE.

Now, according to official court rec-
ords, what the airlines don't lose out of
Heathrow gets stolen directly by bag-
gage handlers. The baggage problem has
assumed nightmarish proportions. The
British press now matter-of-factly refers
to the airport as “Thiefrow,” and Scot-
land Yard has set up a permanent squad

THE
BOMBAYMENT
METHOD

as yowll see,
it’s smart to check your temper
before you check your bags

memoir By REG POTTERTON

There are only five people in this
world who know what happened to
that lost airline baggage in the Mon-
treal winter of 1958, and I'm one of
them. I have no idea where the four
other people are today: out there
somewhere, I trust, swarming around
in the great plankton; gone to con-
vents or madhouses, who knows? It
was a long time ago, and when it
was all over, we five went our separate
ways, never to meet again. It was as
if our only common destiny was to
come together in those months for
the sole purpose of carrying out the
deeds I am about to relate.

We were employed by an airline
that was in those days British Over-
seas Airways Corporation, and we
were known as passenger-handling
agents. It was our job to check the
people when they came to the dismal
sheds that then constituted Montreal
International Airport, Dorval, Que
bec. We tore out their tickets, weighed
their bags and gave them their board-
ing passes. Many of the people we met
were very badly designed. We not
only had to cope with them, in their
surly thousands, but we also, after
work, had to face the frightful drive
back home across the dread frozen
wastes of the suburban tundra.

The winter was a few weeks old
when we devised the system of bag.
gage handling that became known as
the Bombayment method. The first
recorded example occurred on a De-
cember night when all five of the orig-
inal instigators were on duty together.
Apart from myself, there was Glitz, a
Hungarian who was fluent in no
known language, including
Clare, a ginger-haired angry
Belfast; Siggie, а sagacious Iraqi
Jew with expensive fingernails and
beady eyes; and Arne, a 45-year-old
crippled Belgian. Arne drew attention
to himself on his first day at work by
strangling a chicken that an old
Portuguese immigrant had tried to
smuggle in with the rest of his be-
longings. It was then (and may still
be) the practice for immigrants to
Canada to arrive with ducks, geese and

even the occasional pig; and Arne,
for reasons of his own, volunteered
his services as livestock executioner to
Canadian customs. It was said that he
once shot three ducks in a pillowcase
with a .357 Magnum, though our
supervisor, Scrowston, a laconic figure
who sported а well-tailored uniform
and an Enola Gay bombardier's cap,
had dismissed that as gossip.

“The guys OK," Scrowston growled.
“He just likes to fool around is all.”

Scrowston was fond of standing tall
in doorways, surveying the world
through narrowed eyes, in the manner
of a man about to embark on a dan-
gerous mission. Only those who knew
him understood that he was, in fact,
a fantastic incompetent whose air of
executive command failed to disguise
a mind that long ago had locked
itself away from the intrusion of reali-
ty. We loved Scrowston because he
could approach a dithering old dear
as she fumbled for ticket and pass-
port, loom over her in his hat and
spurious aviator glasses and bark:

“OK, Granny, let's get this show on
the road.”

To Scrowston, an old lady, passen-
ger or not, was a P.T.P.B. post-
tampon preburial and it is a mark
of his abiding innocence that he used
the term with affection.

On the fateful night of our first
Bombayment, there was a full plane,
a turboprop Britannia, to check in for
a transatlantic flight to Manchester
and London. It had been delayed
several hours because of ice and hope-
lessness, and many passengers were
cold and tired. Heavy-duty whining
was much in evidence.

It often seemed to us that of all
“difficult” passengers, the nastiest
were my countrymen, the British.
Perhaps it was because so few of them
flew in the Fifties, and many who did
seemed to think it meant they had
been divinely touched; others suffered
from the delusion that they knew
their “rights.” Regrettably, they were
prepared to behave rather badly to
demonstrate that knowledge.

Our first Bombayee was a gentle-
man who thanked God for England,
quite loudly, while dumping his bags
on the counter scale. He was return-
ing to Manchester after a business
trip. He didn't like Canada, it was
too cold, the people were unfriendly,
the prices outrageous, the manners
disgusting, the cars too big, the houses
too hot. There were no pubs, no
proper food, the bank had cheated
him on his foreign exchange and the
French-Canadian taxi driver had re-
fused to speak English to him. How-

ever, he confided, he had managed to
pick up some interesting samples of
Canadian manufacture—those were
in a case marked URGENT—and he was
certain the market back home would
be most receptive. Other than that, it
was his considered opinion that Can-
ada could get stuffed.

Siggie was standing next to me at
the counter while the passenger aired
his views. Siggie liked Canada, pos-
sibly because he felt it was better to
be а Jew in Canada than it was to
bea Jew in Iraq.

“ГИ look after these,” Siggie said,
removing the Manchester passenger's
bags from the scale. There were no
conveyor belts at Dorval in 1958.
Baggage was usually tagged on the
scale, taken into the office and loaded
onto carts at the back door. I was a
little surprised, therefore, to find Sig-
gie—after the Britannia had finally
taken off—sitting in the back office,
poring over the Official Airline Guide
International Edition, with the Man-
chester passenger's baggage at his feet.

“What are you doing?" I asked, al-
ways eager to acquire something from
Siggic’s vast fund of wisdom.

“That man was an asshole,” he ex-
plained. “I am sending his bags to
Bombay.’

“But he’s going to Manchester.”

“Agreed, he is, but not his bags.
Lets see. I can get them on tomor-
row's Canadian Pacific flight to Lis-
bon; from there they go to Naples.

Cairo. Then Istanbul via
Karachi, I think, then Naples
again. Hold them there for a week,
then Bangkok via Tehran. Bangkok,
Sydney, Tokyo, then back to London
and a short stopover in Manchester—
just in case they're homesick—then off
to Rio de Janeiro, a quick dash to
New Zealand, back to New York
through Paraguay, then Reykjavik,
Naples again and Seattle, I still have
to figure a way to get them to San
Juan. If they don’t get stolen after
three passes through Naples, the Puer-
to Ricans will get them frst time.
Puerto Ricans eat suitcases; did you
know that? To qualify for a baggage-
handling job at San Juan airport, it is
necessary to have served at least 15
years in a maximum-security prison,
So. If his bags survive Naples and
San Juan, they should make it to
Bombay in about two years.”

And that's how it all began. How
easy it was! All one had to do, in
that simple age of airline travel be-
fore the days of the terrorist jet set
and baggage security checks, was to
add enough connection tags, correctly
filled out with flight numbers and
destinations, and off went the con-

signment, out into the great void of
the wandering suitcase.

Our job took on a new and greater
dimension. One was no longer help-
Jess in the face of snarling travelers.
One did one’s duty quietly, politely,
effortlessly, bending in the path of
every ill-mannered blast that came
our way from the other side of the
counter.

"London, madam?” to a screeching
fiend whose rantings would have
moved a saint to a state of kill frenzy.
“Certainly, madam, of course. We're
sorry about the delay; yes, I agree,
we're all totally useless. Have a pleas-
ant flight.” And into the back office
went the offending baggage, with the
pregnant sentence, “Bombay, please,
and a four-month stopover in Val-
paraiso.”

We refined the method, crudely
but effectively. A “Neapolitan ran-
dom six-pack,” for instance, meant
the bags were to be shuttled in and
out of Naples six times, to and from
any ports of inconvenience. A “three-
way Communist no-hoper” was a tri-
angular route through airports in the
Eastern bloc, all of them being in-
accessible or difficult of access from
the West. Such a routing could also
excite the curiosity of Western secu-
rity services, especially if bags that
were sent to the land of the Red
menace passed through a U. S. transit
point en route.

I should point out that while we
Bombayed only those found to be
thoroughly guilty, we did so without
the stain of racial or national prej-
udice. "True, we had to restrain Arne,
the Belgian, from checking in Ger-
man passengers—contrary to the rules
(which allowed us to Bombay only
those individuals who gave us no
reasonable alternative), Arne insisted
on goading Germans, and we simply
couldn't have that.

Our brief was simple: A passenger
would arrive, one of about 80, and
cause trouble. A little trouble was, of
course, part of the job; but when it
went too far, Bombayment was the
inevitable punishment, not subject to
appeal. Siggie was the arbiter.

“To Bombay or not to Bombay,
that is the question,” he once said in
considering a borderline case; and
that was the phrase, suitably illumi-
nated, that we pinned to the staff
notice board.

Possibly, Scrowston had a vague
idea that something was going on
during those months, but if he did,
he may have thought that whatever
it was kept us out of more serious
trouble. We no longer monopolized
the airport publicaddress system, for

PLAYBOY

of investigators at the airport to try to
counter the problem.

Authorities report that a large amount
of luggage does come back from other
British Airways cities, but it usually
returns with no identification whatso-
ever. In fact, so many refugee bags pile
up at Heathrow that the airline has reg-
ularly sent vanloads of the stuff to an
auction house in Wimbledon to be sold
to the highest bidder.

Neither British Airways nor the Brit-
ish Airports Authority would comment.
on the situation. “They're afraid of the
publicity,” says one Scotland Yard de-
‘But the crime is rampant and
the airport seems to breed it.

“The majority of people who come to

example, announcing the departure
of fictitious flights to other planets,
or filling the terminal at three лм.
with the recorded sounds of steam
locomotives and roaring lions. But we
occasionally let the Hungarian, Glitz,
have the microphone, and he would
babble happily on, to the mystifica-
tion of all within earshot.

Clare, our angry lady from Belfast,
helped bring about our downfall by
sending the Vatican delegation's bags
to Russia. It was a clumsy attempt
and definitely improper within the
approved framework of Bombayment
procedure. One of the priests accused
Clare of shortchanging him on some
dollars he converted at the counter.
After he left, she fell into a rare fit
of frothing hysteria and complicated
the matter by paging the priest over
the P.A. in the following manner:
"Will the papist son of a bitch who
called me a cheat and a liar come
back to the BOAC desk for a kick in
the balls?”

That is not the kind of approach
that lends itself to a dispassionate
assessment of a candidate for Bom-
bayment, and whatever the merits of
the case, Scrowston evidently felt con-
strained to take a tough stance by
calling Clare into his office. “Hey,
baby,” he said, “you're a little over
the falls here, These guys are OK,
you know.”

But Clare was not to be admon-
ished or appeased, and so it came
about that she sent the clerical bag-
gage winging its way to Moscow, via
New York, where, according to the
legend, it was towed out to sea past
the Ambrose Light and blown up by
vigilant officers of the U.S. Customs
Service.

"The advent of silicon chips and the
deployment of programed human be-
ings throughout the airline industry
have no doubt made it impossible to
develop the state of the Bombayment

work here as baggage loaders,” he says,
“are honest guys when they start. But
they have got caught up in this vast
machine. It starts off one day when some-
one comes up to the new loader and
says, “Thank you very much; there's a
drink.’ And he opens his hand and, lo
and behold, he's got five or ten pounds.
It takes a very strong person, when he's
not picking up a lot of money anyway,
to turn around and say, ‘I don't want it,"
and turn away.”

The loaders at Heathrow like to con-
centrate on flights coming in from
troubled countries. “Those are the
flights,” says a detective, “that are loaded
with people trying to take currency out.
And you'd be amazed how many of them

art to its greatest potential. Since
those distant days, I myself have been
Bombayed a few times—or at least
have fallen victim of monstrous in-
efficiency. I must say, in humility,
that I have never given cause for de-
liberate Bombayment; we pioneers
of the method are too wily to push
too far.

Knowing where to draw the line
when checking in while im a bad
mood is the key. Remember, there
are two kinds of airline passengers—
he who is Borbayed by mistake and
he who is Bombayed because he de-
serves it. Whenever I have been a
victim, I have merely waited for the
situation to change, standing by with
a wry inner smile, content to let the
process work its weary way.

"You've sent my bags to Hanoi?
"That's wonderful.”

Patience is the secret.

I have learned that Siggie spoke
the truth about San Juan airport—
well, perhaps he embellished it a lit-
tle; but personal experiences over the
past few years lead me to believe that
my old friend was not far off the
mark when, during a lecture on fur-
ther refinements in Bombayment, he
spoke to us about the achievements
of our contemporaries down there in
the carefree Caribbean sun of Puerto
Rico.

“The best thing to do with your
bags when you check in at San Juan
is to go out to the parking lot before
you check in and set fire to your bags.
Those guys are artists, I'm telling
you. I take my hat off to them.”

What more fitting way to conclude
this memorial than with a compli-
ment from the master, and with his
warning, too:

“So remember, if you go through
San Juan, two things—be nice and
travel light."

How true, even today. And not
just in San Juan.

will pack it in suitcases. And these load-
ers will be in a bag within seconds." On
outbound flights, planes headed to Gene-
va are popular targets.

One of the loaders is assigned the role
of "moneychanger" "His own job.”
says the detective, “is to take money out
of the airport. Recently, we stopped a
bag loader in Kensington. He was carry-
ing a duffel bag absolutely full up with
every denomination and currency you
could possibly imagine. It was in the
thousands.”

Tronically, the safest bags in and out
of Heathrow seem to be the ones headed
for (or coming from) Ulster and Tel
Aviv. For antiterrorist security reasons,
the bags are specially banded with plas-
tic as they pass through an X-ray ma-
chine. Once banded, it's impossible to
pilfer the bag without breaking the
band. "Even at that point," says Lee
Silverman, El Al Israel spokesman in
London, “we continue to watch the bags
at Heathrow. British Airways may have
upwards of 3000 cases lying around their
terminal. You won't see that here."

In 1977. Scotland Yard went to the
British Airports Authority and suggested
that a similar program of baggage band-
ing be used throughout Heathrow.
“They deliberated for almost two years,”
one agent reports. “Finally, they put in
a total of two machines, hardly adequate
to handle the situation. And to staff it,”
he laughs, "they put one bloke on a
stool, rather like Perry Como, and he'd
help someone only if they asked his help.
It was hopeless. The individual airlines
wouldn't cooperate with us,” he adds,
“because they said the machines would
cause delays. Soon the two machines fell
into disrepair and were vandalized by
airport staff.

Scotland Yard's only hope to catch the
thieves now is an aggressive undercover
program. In 1979, the plain-clothed bag-
gage unit worked 202 separate cases of
passenger-bag thefts with property val-
ued at more than £680,000 (about
$1,400,000). By 1980, the squad began to
show promising results: At this writing,
more than 100 baggagchandling cases,
most involving employees of British Air-
ways, are awaiting trial In fact, the
Yard made so many bag-theft arrests at
one point last year that the remaining
Heathrow baggage loaders staged a short
work stoppage. They claimed they were
overworked because so many of their
colleagues had been either suspended or
arrested on theft charges, or both.

In 1976, a Middlesex Crown Court
judge, in sentencing an airport loader
for stealing, said, "We have to deal at
this court with airport loaders, handlers
and other people who seem to steal all
the time. I sometimes wonder if they do
much else. The place has literally be-
come a cesspool.”

Four years later, Old Bailey judge

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Brian Gibbens was trying a casc of 99
British Airways loaders for theft. “It was
a strange case,” he says. “The defendants
all claimed as defense that it was impos-
sible to be honest at Heathrow.”

Gibbens admits, “I believe there was
alot in what they had to say.”

Where does that leave the passenge
Usually, face to face with something
called the Warsaw Convention, an old
(1934), outdated international agreement
that attempts to limit the liability of
the airlines. It is not a Polish joke. In
fact, the airlines invoke it hundreds of
times each day in bagpage-claims cases.

“Passengers clearly need to know
their rights,” says San Francisco attor-
ney Gerald Sterns, an expert in aviation
law. (See Laurence Gonzales’ Airline
Safety: A Special Report, ғлувох, June
1 1980.) “If the airline den
valid claim, or if what they have
lost exceeds the $750 limit, the passen-
gers should sec a lawyer.

But while baggage claims number in
the millions, law cases involving lost,
imaged or delayed baggage are few.
"There are two reasons for this discrep-
ancy," argues Thomas Dickerson, a New
York i"
new world of travel law.
and attorney ignorance."

"Travelers who file baggage claims,"
he argued recently in the magazine
Practical Lawyer, “are ignorant of their
rights. They assume that the air c
will handle their claim in good faith.
Usually, however, the carrier will send
a sympathetic letter, expla g that
it is not liable for all or part of the
daim and will offer a sum that is no-
where n the actual loss. Most claim-
ants will believe the statements of the
I settle.”
ays. Recently, the Warsaw
Convention was challenged by Henry
and Joan Eifert, whose luggage was
los on an Air-India flight to London.
The couple filed a claim and Air-India
agreed (under the terms of the con-
vention) to pay according to the weight
of the missing baggage—a settlement
that amounted to only $200.

When the Eiferts took their case to
court, Judge Louis DiTrani, the lowest-
ranking judge in Maryland, essentially
found the treaty unconstitutional. AL
though Air-India attorneys argued that
the Eiferts had been adequately com-
pensated under the Warsaw terms for
international travel and pointed out
that the convention is a long-standing
agreement signed by more than 100 na-
tions, DiTrani was unmoved.

Air-India, he ruled, should have paid.
the couple according to the true value
of the luggage. Mrs. Eifert expressed in
layman's language the message of Di-

Trani’s decision, “I dread to think," she
told the courtroom, “that an airline has
the privilege to just toss out your bag,
help themselves to what they want, ship
your empty bag . . . and then treat you
like a complete nincompoop."

DiTrani's ruling alarmed Federa) offi-
cials, who are now watching the case
closely.

“Its a very interesting case,” he
says, "and some might interpret it а
precedentseting. What I didn't sa
he cautions, “was that the Warsaw Con-
vention was unconstitutional. 1 don't
have that authority, although I might
point out that the U.S. never partici-
pated in the Warsaw Convention. We
just accepted it. But what I did say
was that the plaintiffs had a right to
contract. That they had a right to ex-
pect that their goods would arrive in
a safe and sound condition and that
if they didn't, they would be entitled to
payment based on value, not weight."

Some would argue (as Air-India did)
that a valid contract existed at the time
of the sale of the tickets to the Eiferts,
and, in fact, the contract was reprinted
on their tickets. "Sure," DiTrani con-
cedes, “it was printed on the ticket. But
who reads that? I feel that the airline
has an obligation to point these things
out to passengers.”

Dilrani's decision was sustained on
But then Ai sked for
reconsideration in the case. It is now
pending in circuit court. And the Eiferts
have still not been reimbursed.

In the 1979 case of Greenberg (no re-
lation to this wi ) vs. United Airlines,
a Kings County, New York, court also
ruled that the small-print ticket notice
of an ity for
gage loss was not sufficient notice to pa
sengers. "The format [on the ticket]
wrote the judge in the case, “is perfectly
calculated to obscure from a domestic
traveler's view the presence there of an
applicable limit of baggage-loss liabi
ity. . .. [The] defendant,” he concluded,
“has set before the traveler a morsel of

nourishment hidden in a banquet of
dust.”
One sure way to avoid the hassle

of litigation is to insure your luggage
for "excess valuation" at the time you
check in for a flight. No airline adver-
tises this option; some have even tried
to deny its existence. But "excess valua-
tion" able to any passenger
wishing to insure his luggage beyond
the $750 domesticliability limit or the
international weight assessments. It’s
also unbelievably cheap: It costs ap-
proximately ten cents per $100 of
aluation. (One note of caution: Some
airlines will still want to exclude an-
tiques and. jewelry from the valuation.
But then again, anyone who would

check baggage containing jewelry or
antiques is not terribly bright, anyway.)

In the meantime, attorney Dickerson
is eagerly looking forward to January 1,
1983. "That's the day the CAB will v
tually be deregulated out of business—
and, with it, a host of Government tariffs
and exclusions the airlines have used for
years to deny or reduce baggage claims.

“The airlines like to put the onus of a
failure to settle a claim properly on
some Governmental authority," says
Dickerson. "And the people who have
their bags lost or stolen are the ones
getting ripped ой. In fact,” he adds,
“most middle-class bag claims are never
litigated, because most people cannot
afford to go to a lawyer to find out that
they do, indeed, hts. That's
where the legal system has failed.’
As it stands now, if a domestic passe
ger checks a bag with mink coats, cam-
eras or other expensive items and the
bag is lost or pilfered, the airline's
maximum ty under current tariffs
is still only $750 per passenger. “It
doesn't matter how valid your case is,"
says Dickerson, "even if you can prove
that an airline employee stole your bags.
You'll still get only $750 as а top-end
figure. But by 1983, domesticair-carrier
liability will be based upon common
law and not om a tariff system. Passen-
gers will finally be able to recover their
losses based on real or depreciated value,
not an arbitrary dollar figure.’

Already, Dickerson is after the inter-
ional airlines that continue to com-
e baggage losses by an arbitrary
ight equation. “The airlines have
clearly been bullshitting the public on
this one,” he claims.

According to Article 22 of the Warsaw
Convention, the ium amounts that
rs аге required to pay for bag-
ms is 950 francs per kilogram
of checked baggage. “At the time of the
signing of the convention," Dickerson
reports, “the franc contained 65 and a
half milligrams of gold. Until recently,
carriers considered the gold content of
the franc and the price of gold in con-
verting the liability to dollars.”

But here's the rub. In 1971, the CAB
stated that international ers must
upgrade their dollar limitations to re-
flect the changing price of gold. Still,
despite a huge escalation in the price of
gold, the carriers are still sticking to $20
per kilo (or $9.07 per pound) as their
liability limit.

Dickerson is testing that in a current
case, Ackerman vs. Air France. “И I
win it," he says, “it’s going to cost the
airlines a lot of money, and something
tells me a lot more bags will start arriv-
ing intact—and on time.

Until then," he cautions, “pack ligh

177

SIGH.. THE LADIES Yi

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181

HOWA
COMMON
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PROVES THE
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SUPERIORITY
OFA SONY.

Once again. in the interest of sci-
ence and for the betterment of mankind,
the services of Mus albus rodendus,
otherwise known as the white mouse.
have been called upon. This time 10 dem-
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Sony STR-VNS receiver.

When the little chap so much as
touches the VX5'S ultrasensitive

“Memory Sean.” you'll automatically hear

four seconds of up to eight of your favor-
ite AM or FM stations, without having to
lune them in separately

Ifhe chooses our exclusive “Auto
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on the dial. And none of the noise in-

FEATURES AND SPECIFICATIONS. 55 watis per char
rc nhan (0072 THD Quartz requerey synth
TSE Siny Corp of America, YW. 71h SC NV NY 1001 Sony

o /Di

benveen. Find a station you like and
another feather-touch control instantly
locks onto that frequency. There's no
drift. No fade, A computer insures crisp,
clear sound. While Sony's innovative

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against a background of silence

But that’s merely proof that the VX5
possesses the world’s most advanced
tuning section. Here's proof that it
possesses the world’s most advanced
amplifier section

Statistically. the VX5 puts out 55
watts per channel with no more than
0.007% total harmonic distortion.” Even
your dog can't hear that

Part of the reason is Sony's unique

from Нито 20 АН).
MFT transistors,

i, Path chants drven mi
[yw

Legato Linear" amplifier. This circuitry
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Another part is an incredibly ad-
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about the size of our little friend, and
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Ofcourse, there are other outstand-
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PLAYBOY

184

VIVA VALERIE „ао

“Life is much easier when yow're not in love, at least
for me. I would have made a great nun.”

PERRINE: I know. But don't forget, 1 was
a convent. My mother was a
ict Catholic. As far as morals and
sexual intercourse and everything, I was
raised with very strict rules. But 1 guess
she never bothered to tell me about
covering up the breasts. [Laughs] Just
don't do il! . . . 1 guess she figured the
two went hand in hand.

rLAYsOY: Maybe we can get to the bot-
tom of this. Of your portrayal of Eve in
Superman, Variety said you were “sen-
suous yet almost innocent"

PERRINE: That explains my nudity thing.
It’s sensuous because І don't know about
it and it’s innocent because that's where
my mind is coming from. . .. You know,
you see these women doing this [poses
“sexily,” with her breasts thrust forward],
‘Trying to stick them out and hold it in
and doing all this consciously. 1 am not
conscious of what my body is looking
like. Therelore, there must be that cer-
tain innocence that comes out. Bccause
I'm not thinking sexy.

avnoy: If you're not, that cert
sets you apart from the rest of us. Which
makes sense, since youre gencrally
classed among Hollywood's “characters.”

Why do you think you are?
verrine: Maybe because I say what I
think and I don't think before I say it.
PLAYBOY: Isn't another factor that while
your image is rooted in sex, you're quite
different in private?

PERRINE: Actually, I can be quite funny.
I like to be funny. It's fun to be funn
This surprises people, because they think
I'm going to be one way and I turn out
to be, er, sort of amusing. The closest I've
ever come to being myself in a movie is
Can't Stop the Music, and it’s a comedy.
Allan Carr, the producer, called me “a
natural comedienne.” I'm always trying
to crack jokes or say something cute and
adorable or one-up people. They don't
expect that from me and when they
finally meet me, they think it's more cute
and adorable than it really is . . . be-
cause they expect me to be, uh, slutty
PLAYBOY: Another surprising fact about
you is that you've never married. Why
not?

PERRINE: I don't want to. Гуе never met
anybody I wanted to marry.

PLAYBOY: Are you opposed to the insti-
tution?
PERRINE: No...

n't fall in love.

“The tits are real, but the smile is fake.”

PLaynoy: Cannot or will not?
PERRINE: Won't. Don't want to.
PLAYBOY: Is it simpler not to?
PERRINE: ‘Course. Absolutely.
much т when you're not in Jove.
Тһегете no big traumas going. It’s
really much easier, at least for me. I
would have made a great nun. I think
I've missed my calling. - . . 1 wouldn't
have had much trouble.

PLAymOy: Let's go from religion to poli-
ics. Do you support ——

PERRINE: Women's lib? No.
PLAYBOY: Are women the weaker se:
PERRINE: Women are weaker than men.
Women cannot do some of the things
men can do. Physically. They're not
made the same, thank God! [Intensely]
We are not the same. And since мезе
the weaker sex [coyly], we've learned to
use it by using our brains a little bit
more than men. I! ilking about
those wot ng and running
around burning their bras and demand-
ing this and that. I do not think thar:
the way a woman should act.

vlaynoy: But you've been quoted as
saying you support equality in the work-
place.

PERRINE: That's right. [Sighs] m sort
of old-fashioned. I do not believe in man
and woman as being equal. I don't think
they should be. They aren't. Women
should act in their way and men should
act in theirs and the outcome should be,
uh, equal but separate. I don't want to
get into it. But a woman's place is being
feminine and using her feminine ways
to get things from a man, not by de-
manding it in black and white on paper.
It’s like signing a prenuptial agreement.
All that stuff is just all wrong. If a wom-
an is feminine and uses her mind and
a little bit of flirtation [coyly] and what-
ever it is that that man needs, she can.
get more from him by playing him than
by forcing him to sign something. If a
woman's not being paid the same as a
man in an office, I can't imagine she
can't get around it without having to

Life is

make a big thing out of it and have it
be a legal document. Why not just go
to her boss and [flirtatiously] do it an-
other way? I like being a lady. I don't

want to see things change. It's m:
me sick! Look at all the homosexuals!
Why do you think that’s happened? Be-
cause people are so confused as to which
is the man and which is the woman in
a relationship anymore, they don't know
what to do. A woman should be femi-
nine and soft and vulnerable. Maybe a
little weaker—whether or not she is! Its
a lovely role to play. This is why I've
taken to dating Arabs. They really make
you feel like a woman.

PLAYBOY: You're dating Arabs?

PERRINE: They're friends of mine. I
don't—I haven't been dating anybody.
But they make you feel like a woman.
Oh, this is getting—what is happening

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PLAYBOY

186

to the American male is sad. Really sad!
It starts with their listening to their
mothers screaming at thcir fathers and
screaming at their sons. I just... I
don't want to get into this . . . women
should be women and men should be
men. I've never believed in women's lib.
I live alone, make my own moncy, have
а good salary. I have a good life—and
I've made my own life. I didn't go
around burning bras and marching
down the street. I quietly went out апа
did it. In a very feminine way. Dy mind-
fucking every man I ever wanted to
work for! [Laughs]

pLaypoy: Mind-fucking?

PERRINE: Oh, yes. Its lovely fun. It's
such a feminine trait. Women are for-
getting how to do it.

PLAYBOY: How do you mind-Luck a man?
PERRINE: If I told you, 1 couldn't do it
anymore, could I? It’s a form of hustling,
which women used to be great at 100

PERRIN:
control over somebody by using your
feminine [mischievous smile] whatever.
Without using physical—I'm not talking
about anything I couldn't tell my mother
about.

PLAYBOY: Let's
said thi

In 1974, you
Times: "P.
and I don't care what
long as I get what
is usually sex.”
PERRINE: Boy, was I stupid to say
that... . It’s still truc. I remember say-
it. It was half said in jest. But,
ically, it's—I sure blew my cover,

a
T want fr

didn't P [Laughs] Obviously one of
those wine interviews.

PLAYBOY: Wine or no, it's truc?

PERRINE: Yeah, I meant that when I said
it This is not to say I went around
with every man I met, that all I wanted
was sex. When occasionally I did find
somebody I wanted, that’s what I want-
ed—and I got it. you know.
I guess you could say [in a little-girl
ice] liberated, couldn't you? That's the
way men are supposed to talk, isn't it
Sounds disgusting coming fro
an. Ooohh. To h
I don't think its very nice. To think
it—thats all right. [Laughs] Just don't
tell people about it-

PLAYBOY: One th n't is innocent.
rERuNE: Awww. Depends on what you
mean by innocent. Women today go
around having affairs with people, just,
boom, like that! Maybe I was talking
about somebody 1 was having an affair
with who I thought was wonderful. But.
maybe that'll be the only affair ГИ have
for a whole year and опе half. I think—
I know 1 don't fool around a lot. Unfor-
tunately. [Laughs] Just can't bring my-
self to. .. .

PLAYBOY: Can't bring yourself to what?
PERRINE: I don't like that many men.
PLAYBOY: You don't meet that many men
whom you
PERRINE: Atti

g il

actly. And I can't
sex's sake. If I'm sexy
ў use

somebody-

Another Times quote—and,
a weird article, since

*My God, Gloria, we've had the ‘Saber Dance’ every night
this week. How’s about a little Haydn?”

it's written

in the oh, so formal Tunes
style: “Miss Perrine says——"

pERRINE: Fuck you! [Laughs] Right!
PLaynoy: Here's what you said: “I've ex-
perimented with almost every drug
known to man: acid, mescaline, peyote,
cocaine and opium.” Truc?

PERRINE: Hmm-hmmm. I said I had ex-
perimented with them. I didn't say 1
was on them. I'm not. I went through a
period when I enjoyed getting really
drunk. I loved іє. I just don't like it
nymore. I don't go out and get
hacked anymore. I like being me. 1
enjoy everything around me so much
more when I'm... me. I can't imagine
getting drunk and doing my garden.
The things I like to do now don't go
with any fake stimulus or mind-altering
experience.

vLAYBOY: A few years back. you sought
stimulation of a sort by making a prac-
tice of dating younger men. Do you still?
PERRINE: No.

reaysoy: Why not?

PERRINE: Dunno. Grown up. 1 guess.
Changing. Always changing. I like all
men. I don't care if they're young or old.
[In a Mae West voice] I don't want to
limit my possi
LAYROY: When you're looking
at do you notice first?
Personality. Humor. Intelli-
gence. Those three. And then what kind
of car he's driving. [Laughs]

PLAYBOY: You're more int
tellectual attractions than
physical ones?

PERKINE: If you run into a physical, you
can't help but notice that. If it's a really
good physical.

rLAYBOY: Whom do you think is sexy?
PERRINE: Uhh . . . I can't think of any-
body... . I think Johnny Carson is sexy.
Hmmm. Sort of. He's funny. Cute. Ac
tractive. Amusing. He's interesting. . . .
You know why that’s hard for me to

a man,

sted
n str

gl
watch on television is the news. The only
people I've been seeing are the Ayatollah
Khomeini and people like that, and I
don't find any of them sexy. [Laughs]
- Texas ranchers аге a sexy
group. Not politicians. Actors are a sexy
group. I don't think car salesmen arc a
y group. Or insurance salesmen.

aysoy: A last question about sex ap-

bout being s
to be relax
id about anything. It's truc.
A guy's not sexy when he's worried about
his ha his skin, his clothes. He's sexy
f he's relaxed and cool—I think I'm dat-
ng myself with that word cool—but . . .
just relaxed. Frenetic is not ses
PLAYBOY: Aren't you
vernine: Yes! I don't think I'm sexy.

[Laughs]
ga

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PRO FOOTBALL PREVIEW

PLAYBOY

how to run our franchises—yet

But position scheduling makes for
exciting games and exciting games make
for good showbiz. I’m betting that the
N.EL. entertainment moguls won't
change a thing as long as they've got
а hit on their hands.

And speaking of hits, let’s give the
dial a spin and see what excitement the
ious franchises have planned for us
this year.

EASTERN DIVISION

AMERICAN FOOTBALL CONFERENCE
New York Jets ..... 10-6
New England Patriots . 97
Buffalo Bills _.._. 8-8
Miami Dolphins 8-3
Baltimore Colts 4-12

А year ago, the New York Jets were
being touted by Jimmy the Mouth and
other visionaries as possible Super Bowl
contenders. Instead, they won only four
games. The nose dive was largely caused
by injuries to receiver Wesley Walker
and runner Clark Gaines, whose replace-
ments were inadequate. Youth and inex-
perience were also liabilities, as was an
unimaginative offensive strategy. Fortu-
nately, the franchise is stable. Owner
Leon Hess doesn't believe that firing.
the coaching staff is the answer to ail
problems. His patience should pay olf
this season, because the young Jets will
benefit vastly from last year’s grueling
jence and 1980 1981's emasculat-
ies are not likely to be repcat-
ed. Best of all, last April's draft м:
bonanza for the Jets. Superstuds F
n McNeil and Marion Barber will
bring enviable depth to the running
corps. Four mew defensive players
(tackle Ben Rudolph, linebackers AL
Washington and John Woodring, and
end Tyrone Keys) will make big con-
tributions their first year. Surviving last
son's adversity should also give quar-
terback Richard Todd more mental
toughness and confidence under fire.

All in all, we thi is
the Jets will finally make it big. They
might even be a Super Bowl contender

Boston frustration city last fall.
Summer camp's great expectations faded
into a maddening series of narrow
nisses—games were lost by tipped passes,

untimely fumbles and other inexpli
occurrences common to snake-bi
teams. One assistant coach said cau
"With our luck, we'll finally be in the
Super Bowl next year—in Pontiac,
Michigan." Also contributing to the P:
188 triots failure to make the play-offs were

(continued from page 146)

“We think this is the year the Jets will finally make
it big. They might even be a Super Bowl contender.”

unremarkable punting and an inept pass
rush from a defensive line that has
grown long in the tooth. The draft
brought little hope of solution for either.
problem.

The Patriots major strength is the
passing game. Summer camp will feature
a healthy battle for the quarterback job
between Steve Grogan and Matt Cava-
naugh. The winner will again benefit
from excellent pass protection, and re-
ceivers Harold Jackson and Stanley Mor-
gan may be the best pair of targets east
of Pittsburgh.

Patriot owner Billy Sullivan and gen-
eval manager Bucko Kilroy have had the
good judgment to maintain a sense of
stability in the franchise—Kilroy was
with Dallas long enough to learn that
leson. When rumors were circulating
near season's end that coach Ron Er-
hardt would be fired if the Pats didn't
make the playoffs, Erhardt's contract
was even
settled, owner Sullivan making the an-
nouncement at the franchise Christmas
party. That's clas

The Buffalo fans can hardly wait for
football season to begin. Their enthu-
siasm has become epidemic because the
Bills a nondeseript team the past ten
years, suddenly emerged last season, win-
ning 11 games and losing out in the play-

me with San Diego in the
final minutes. Head coach Chuck Knox
is the principal reason for the Bills’ new
excellence. He has done a nearly miracu-
lous job of rebuilding the Buffalo team
in only three years, primarily with per-
spicacious draft choices. The squad is still
dangerously vulnerable to injuries, how-
ever, with dependable players only one
at almost every position. Most of

s draft choices were expended
ers who can make immediate con-

was extended before the issu

offs in the ¢

the likeliest prospect to make a big
splash his first yea

If the Bills make it to the play-offs,
the whole city of Buffalo will hyperven-
tilate, and Knox, already a major folk
hero in Upstate New York, will be can-
onized. But we doubt if the Bills can
again have such good luck in avoiding
key injuries,

Miami coach Don Shula will run a
hell-for-leather training camp this
mer. He was less than pleased with las
year’s breakeven record, a disaster he
blames largely on the mellow attitudes
of some of his players. He vows to get
their attention in mectings and work
their butts off on the practice field.

з were not all a

Last year's probl
natter of player apathy. A number of
new starters had to be broken in, the
best of whom was sensational quarter-
back David Woodley, an eighth-round
draft choice who was the surprise rookie
in the league. Woodley, who captured
the imagination of the Miami fans (they
even cheered him when he made normal
rookie mistakes), will profit much from
a year’s experience. Veteran Bob Griese
will be waiting in the wings and could
recapture the job if his injured shoulder
is fully healed.

The Dolphins’ major shortcomings are
a sorry running attack and a dawdling
pass rush. Draftecs David Overstreet and
Andra Franklin should solve the former
problem and rookie defensive ends Ken
Poole and Mack Moore should help the
rush.

The losing scenario remains the same
in Baltimore, but the reasons are d
ent. Diehard Colt fans (there aren't
many left) have long felt that if quarter-
back Bert Jones could ever beat the in-
jury jinx, their team would gallop back
into the play-offs. Jones stayed healthy

last fall and the offense was further
strengthened by the flashy running of
rookie Curtis Dickey—but the defense

collapsed, largely due to inept play by
the front four.

Top-grade defensive linemen are rarc-
ly available in the trade market and are
almost as rare in the draft, but coach
Mike McCormack will try to heal the
breach this fall with rookie Donnell
"Thompson.

"The Colts continuing mediocrity is
the final unpleasantness in a long and
acrimonious divorce between the Balti-
more franchise and fans—a love affair
п had been the envy of other clubs.
The bitterness began in the early Sev.
enties with the autocratic methods of
then-general manager Joe Thomas and
has been exacerbated by the imperious
behavior of current owner Robert Irsay.
The latter's overt attempts to move his
franchise to another city because of de-
dlining attendance in Baltimore (alic:
ing the fans) will likely be nixed again
by the other N.F.L. owners, thus forcing
him to sell out, "Irsay has never con-
tributed anything to the league since
he's been in it,” another owner told us.
“We would be better off without him.”

CENTRAL DIVISION

AMERICAN FOOTBALL CONFERENCE
Pittsburgh Steelers ..
Cincinnati Bengals .
Cleveland Browns
Houston Oilers . .

When the Pittsburgh Steclers failed
to reach the heights commonly predicted
for them last fall, most observers as-
cribed the fall-off to the inroads of age.
A more likely explanation is that they

"Gee, I never thought you could run five miles so fast!”

189

PLAYBOY

190 nightmares

had gotten too fat. Said quarterback
Terry Bradshaw after the Steelers’ sea-
son-ending letdown: “It's good for us.
We needed this. Everybody pats you on
the back and all of a sudden you start
believing it."

An indication of the Steelers’ class i:
the fact that they didn't cop a plea by
blaming the avalanche of injuries that
plagued them all season. Age, of course,
has become a problem. More than a
dozen Steelers are in their 30s, products
of superb draft crops in the early Sev-
enties, and those nuggets are getting a
bit tarnished by time. Also, older players
(even when they are in good shape) are
more susceptible to injury. Pittsburgh
needs youngsters who can eventually
take over for the aging veterans (esp
cially in the defensiveline and runi
back positions), but none of this year's
draftees looks like an immediate threat
to the veterans.

The passing game will again be awe-
some. Bradshaw is the Steelers’ only truly
indispensable player. Backup quarter-
back Cliff Stoudt, in fact, is the only
player LL. history to have q
for
down in a regular-season game. Says
Bradshaw, “They'll write us off this year.
But we'll be the underdogs, and we'll
start blowing them out again.

The Cincinnati Bengals have been a
team on the verge of greatness for many
years. This could be the season when
everything falls into place, thanks large-
ly to the presence of coach Forrest
Gregg, a General Patton type who has
brought the hard-nosed discipline so
badly needed by the Bengals since the
retirement of Paul Brown. Gregg is
tough but fa nd his troops have de-
veloped a Spartan dedication that will
breed success. A player who asked us not
to identify him says, "Forrest Gregg is
like E. F. Hutton. When he talks, you
goddamn sure better listen.”

For several years now, the Bengals
have been loaded with excellent but in-
experienced talent. Unfortunately, the
management has had a penchant for
retiring or trading away the mat
erans, leaving a leadership void. But the
front office has learned from its mistakes
and is now determined to let the tal-
ented youngsters mature—while keeping
some oldsters around who will lead by
example. Quarterback Jack Thompson,
n his third year, looks to us like the Jim
Plunkett of the future. Anthony Munoz,
only in his second season, may already
be the best offensive lineman in the
country.

The Bengals’ draft crop contained sev-
eral choice selections. Most likely to
make immediate contributions are re-
ceivers David Verser and Cris Collins-
worth and kicker Rex Robinson.

Cleveland fans still suffer recurring
about last season. The

ng-

Browns seemed to be a team guided by
the angels. There were amazingly few
injuries and unexpected good fortune
seemed to descend upon them just when
they needed it most. Despite a dearth of
top offensive talent and a defense that
gave up more yardage than the Italian
army, everything seemed to work for the
Browns. Then a dumb call at the end of
the A.F.C. championship game with
Oakland scuttled the whole season.

For the past two years, the Browns
have been a favorite team of TV net-
work officials, because all their games
seemed to go down to the wire. OF the
33 games they've played in the past two
years, 25 were decided in the last minute.

The Browns’ passing attack, with
quarterback Brian Sipe, three quality
receivers (Dave Logan, Reggie Rucker
and Ozzie Newsome) and a superb offen-
sive line, will again be potent, but the
defensive line sorely needs reinforce-
ment. Two rookie linemen, Mike Robin-
son and Ron Simmons, will probably
be starters the first time they put on
their uniforms.

When extremely popular Houston
Oiler coach Bum Phillips was fired by
owner Bud Adams at the end of last
season, a shocked public was treated to
reams of copy in the national press
theorizing about the real reasons for
the dismissal. It was noted that Adams
tends to resent any of his employees’
getting too much adulation from public
and press—that his workers are merely
serfs and all credit should rightly go to
him. The Oilers’ flaccid and unimagina-
tive offense (resulting from Phillips’
refusal to hire an offensive coordinator)
was, the stories read, only a lame excuse
for the abrupt firing. What the press
did not report was the fact that Adams’
plantation mentality is even more pro-
nounced than anyone who doesn't work
for him can imagine. An Oilers front-
office worker explained to us—after in-
sisting on anonymity—that Adams is
deeply allronted and infuriated when
any employee tries to quit When a
worker wants to leave to accept a better
job elsewhere, our informant told us,
Adams will raise his salary to an unreal
level in order to keep him. Then he
treats the employee with disdain,
watches him like a hawk and fires him as.
soon the smallest excuse ca
found. It was obvious to everyone
front office that Phillips and Adams di:
liked cach other intensely and that Phil-
lips would quit next year, when his
contract expired. That was an eventual-
ity Adams could not tolerate.

But there were other, more reali
problems that rarely, if ever,
in the press. Phillips had begun to lose
the respect of many of his players be-
cause he had brought in some “problem
children” to replace some “good behav-
ior" types who the coach felt had less
talent. Phillips had built a reputation

for taming previously uncontrollable
players and thought he could do it with
у free-spirited само from another
m, His players especially resented the
al of Hollywood Henderson and hi
attention-hogging antics.

The cvent that finally triggered the
firing of Phillips was apparently never
mentioned in the press. The day after
the play-off loss to Oakland, Adams was
on the phone to other league owners, ir
forming them that many of the Oilers
had bcen up the night before the game
until three, socializing with the Bay
Area's leading party girls—old friends
of quarterback Ken Stabler. Phi ]
almost total lack of disciplinary control
of his players had made his position
untenable, and Adams had a reason to
fire him

Obviously, new Oilers coach Ed Biles's
first priorities will be to instill a tough
no-nonsense regime, calm down or get
ot the flakes on the squad and install.
inative offense that can score
touchdowns without depending entirely
on Earl Campbell to carry the load.
There isn't much apparent help from
the draft.

WESTERN DIVISION
AMERICAN FOOTBALL CONFERENCE
San Diego Chargers .
Oakland Raiders ......
Seattle Seahawks -
Kansas City Chiefs
Denver Broncos . .

The early choices of the San Diego
Chargers in last April's draft astonished
everyone—they chose help where they
seemed to need it least. Although the
Chargers already have one of the
league's most productive offenses, they
picked three of the draft's better offen-
sive players, runners James Brooks and
Amos Lawrence, and tight end Eric
Sievers. The squad's major weakness,
the linebacking corps, got little discerni-
ble support. Head coach Don Coryell,
an offense addict, is depending on new
defensive coordinator Jack Pardee to fix
the defensive problems by giving the
team more versat imagination
than it had last yea - front four is
already one of the better lines in the
country, and rookie defensive back Irvin
Phillips will shore up the secondary. If
Pardee can solve the linebacker prob-
lems, the Chargers defense can give the
explosive attack platoon enough help to
take the team to the Super Bowl. We
have a hunch that is exactly what will
happen.

Oakland owner Al Davis is a maverick,
a troublemaker, a compulsive competi-
tor—and a genius. He is despised by
other owners, resented by commissioner
Pete Rozelle and the object of the wrath
of Raiders fans. Never in the history of
spectator sports has one man's personal-
ity so dominated a team. The Raiders

"Hey ak who switched
о Natural Light.”

"It's that great football quarterhorse, only the finest natural ingredients. He
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ANHEUSER-BUSCH, INC. * ST. LOUIS, MO

PLAYBOY

192

are surly and boastful in taverns and
they're pillaging vandals on the field.
The sheer ferocity of their play makes
up for whatever skills may be lacking.

Davis’ genius is reflected not only in
his ability to motivate his team but
also in his uncanny judgment of player
talent. Last year, he brought in 19 new
players—whom he obtained for practi
cally nothing—who helped turn a fading
football team into a Super Bowl cham-
pion. Who else but Davis could have
taken a has-been Jim Plunkett and. with
understanding and patience. turned him
into the nation’s best quarterback?

Davis’ canny trading skills also pro-
duced four picks in the early rounds of
t April's draft, bringing in a much
greater infusion of new talent than any
Super Bowl champion could normally
expect. Two of the newcomers, defensive
back Ted Watts and offensive lineman
Curt Marsh, should be immediate start

The Seattle team's fortunes last fall
were the classic fulfillment of Murphy's
law—everything that could go wrong,
indeed, did. The early-season loss of
tailback Sherman Smith left virtually
no running game, so opposing defenses
spent the season making life misera-
ble for quarterback Jim Zorn. A sub-

за

par offensive Jine made the situation
even worse. Despite Zorn's heroics and
a much-improved—but usually exhaust-
ed—defense, the 4-12 record was a seri-
ous setback to Seattle fans’ expectations
of an imminent Super Bowl contender.
Fortunately, the Seahawks’ owners and
management are refreshingly en
ened. Realizing that long-term stabi
(a la the Dallas Cowboys) is the only
way to build a winning franchise, they
gave coach Jack Patera a new five-year
contract at season's end, Their patience
will probably be rewarded this season,
because the fledgling [ranchise is reach-
urity and last’s year’s inexplica-
fortunes (the Seahawks lost five
games in the three last minutes) aren't
likely to be replayed this year. Also, the
lousy won-lost record has brought an
schedule and favorable draft

At least one of those choices,
defensive back Kenny Easley, will make
a big contribution his first year. Another
newcomer, David Hughes, will give the
Seahawks much-needed help for Sher-
man Smith in the backfield.

Everything's up to date in Kansas
City. The Chiefs had th first. non-
losing season since 1973 last [all, finish-
ing strong with a young squad that can

“Brother Antonius will soon be Father Antonius.

He just got hit with a paternit

uit."

only get beter. The major reason for
the Chiefs rise from the pits is the
expertise of coach Mary Levy, who has
done a nearly miraculous job of assem-
bling a respectable squad with free
agents, low draft choices and waiver refu-
gees. Last scason's roster included 21
players who were castoffs from other
training camps.

Another Chief reason for improve-
ment was the development of quarter-
back Steve Fuller and the emergence of
backup passer Bill Kenney. Too bad the
rest of the offensive platoon was
news—the Chiefs finished dead last in
the league in total offense. The major
priorities in summer-training camp will
be to find a top-grade runner and ri
force a limp offensive line. Rookie Joe
Delaney could help with the legs and
new tackle Roger Taylor will help the
line play. The Chiefs also desperately
need a quality tight end, and the dralt
brought two prime candidates, Willie
Scott and Marvin Harvey.

The news for the Denver franchise
is good, so-so and disastrous. For begin-
. this will be the 12th consecutive
ason of sold-out games. Also, the
Broncos had a break-even season last
year but missed the play-offs for the
first time since 1976. Finally, the fran-
chise has a new owner, 38-year-old Edgar
Kaiser, a Canadian industrialist on an
ego trip whose principal skill is inherit
mounts of money. Shortly after
buying the Denver club, Kaiser fired
Red Miller (the only Denver coach who
ever got to the play-offs), much to the
astonishment and horror of Bronco fans.
He then hired Dan Reeves on the pre-
sumption that Reeves could bring
him some of the Dallas Cowboys win-
ning magic.

The Broncos’ major problem is being
in the same division with San Diego and
Oakland. Their major needs are rein-
forcement at running back and receiver,
but the draft was a bust for those pur-
poses. Rookie quarterback Mark Herr-
mann, a fourth-round pick, could turn
out to be the steal of the 1981 draft.

EASTERN DIVISION
NATIONAL FOOTBALL CONFERENCE

Dallas Cowboys ...... > 1-5
Philadelphia Eagles epee 97
New York Giants Е 8-8
Washington Redskins ..... 8-8
St. Louis Cardinals 4-12

Last season was supposed to be an
off year for the Dallas Cowboys, remem-
ber? The legendary Roger Staubach had
retired and many of the remaining
troops were getting long of tooth. But
new starting quarterback Danny White
stepped into the breach, was brilliant
at reading defenses and the Cowboys just
missed making it to the Super Bowl.
With another year's maturity, White

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should be even more impressive this fa

The only Dallas weakness is the young
secondary, which got burned frequently
last season. The Cowboys also need to
find a high-powered fullback to relieve
nine-year veteran Robert Newhouse, and
the defensive unit needs fresh blood to
spell some of the aging veterans. As usual,
the Cowboys’ draft was more product
than casual observers would suspect. Of-
fensive tackle Howard Richards is the
rent golden nugget, but buried
the late draft choices (and the horde
of free agents that always show up at
preseason camp) are a number of prob-
able future AlLPr Player personnel
director Gil Brandt could probably tell
us who they are, but he won't. Wait
until January and find out, when you
sce the Cowboys in the Super Bowl.

The Philadelphia Eagles are a team
with more dedicated hard workers than
superstars. Their intensity is injected
by coach Dick Vermeil, himself a proto-
typal workaholic. Vermeil may find it
difficult to drive his charges to Super
Bowl heights again this season, because
the adrenaline supply could be running
out. The squad peaked at midseason last
fall and lost three of its Jast four games,
and the Super Bowl experience was a
real downer.

One favorable omen for this fall is
that last year’s success was attained
despite an off year (mostly due to in-
juries) for many of the Eagles’ better
players. Other pluses are Ron Jaworski,
who has matured into the best quarter-
back in the National Conference, and a
defensive platoon that is one of the
best in the league.

The Eagles draft harvest was rcla-
tively lean. Only defensive end Leonard
Mitchell has much of a chance to break
into the starting line-up. Unless some
pleasant surprises show up in training
camp, the Eagles’ roster will be much the
same as a year ago.

With a bit of good luck (fo
the Giants could be the most-improved
team in the league. At the very le
last autumn's nightmare (in which 35
players spent some time on the injured
reserve list) shouldn't be repeated. The
squad room looked like a M*A*S*H
medical unit much of the season. One
weck, a house painter (Joe McLaughlin)
was summoned from Wisconsin on Tues-
day, practiced three days and started
against the Cowboys the following Sun-
day. Another stopgap linebacker, Kevin
"Turner, entered а late-season game and
had to introduce himself in the defensive
huddle. One major clement of hope for
the future is the emergence of second-
year quarterback Scott Brunner, who
showed both poise and pot
much pressure last fall. The
glaring offensive weakness has been the
lack of a truly excellent runner. Rookie
Clifford Chatman could fill the bill. The

only appa

194 prime catch of the draft was linebacker

Lawrence Taylor, an
with rookie tackle B give
the defensive unit a much-needed shot
in the armor

Another happy harbinger is the pa-
tience and understanding
New York fans and fro:
tionaries have supported coach Ray
Perkins and general manager George
Young. “The losing will stop,” prom-
ises Perkins with the grim demeanor
of somcone who has survived a holo-
caust. The mettle and determination of
the squad have also been hardened by
adversity. With their infusion of talent
from the draft, look for the Giants to be
one of the surprise teams of the усаг.

The first priority of new Washington
coach Joe Gibbs is to inject more vigor
into an unimaginative and unproductive
offense. Gibbs surely has the skills to
do that job, having coordinated the ex-
plosive San Diego offense a year ago. Hi
main problem will be the lack of suffi-
cient manpower. A weak offensive line
will be considerably strengthened by
three rookies: tackle Mark May, center
Russ Grimm and guard Gary Sayre. The
improved pass protection, plus a more
inventive and versatile attack, should
permit Redskins quarterback Joe Theis-
mann (who has spent his entire career
under defensively oriented head coaches)
to fully exploit his skills at last. The
numerous other ns veterans are also
pleased by the new regime. Former coach
Jack Pardee almost completely lost con-
trol last year. Some players were sullen
and rebellious in team mectings, othe
showed up late for practice and veterans
were appalled at the lack of discipline.
The immediate future of the Redskins,
therefore, depends not only on finding
fresh talent for a thin and aging squad
but also on reestablishing team disci-
pline and morale. It won't be easy.

Jim Hanifan's first season as coach
of the St. Louis Cardinals was ап eye
opener. Among other cruel lessons, he
learned how ich an uncommon mu
ber of injuries can incapacitate an al-
ready shallow squad. Hanifan’s main
goal in prescason drills is to develop
depth.

In four straight games during the
middle of last season, the Cards out-
played their opponents in the first half,
then got blown out in the second half
because of their lack of manpower and
experience. Fortunately, all the time
logged last year by the backup play
will ameliorate the maturity problem.
Also, the running-back corps is loaded,
with Ottis Anderson the best of the lot.
The Cardinals’ primary need is another
lopgrade receiver to team with Pat
Tilley. Quarterback Jim Hart presents
another problem. He is approaching the
twilight of his career, and an adequate
replacement must be found and trained
as soon as possible. Rookie receiver Steve
Rhodes will help solve the first problem

and new quarterback Neil Lomax ap-
pears to be the al understudy for
Hart. The big catch of the St. Louis
draft, however, was linebacker E. J. Jun-
ior, who could be an All-Pro in a couple
of years.

CENTRAL DIVISION
NATIONAL FOOTBALL CONFERENCE
Minnesota Vikings .. ES
Chicago Bears.
Detroit Lions .
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Green Bay Packers .

Minnesota is matched only by Dallas
as a stable franchise. The Vikings take
much pride in that fact and intend to
stay that way. That's why the coaching
staff, press and fans don't go into hys
terics during off years. Coach Bud Grant
is a tower of stability. His cool presence
prevents others from panicking.

Last fall, the Vikings seemed а year
away from regaining respectability; but
by midseason, everything began falling
into place and they now look like a
team of the immediate future. A prin-
reason for optimism is the con-
stant improvement of young quarterback
‘Tommy Kramer.

The Vikings’ biggest need is for an-
other quality runner to go with Ted
Brown when Brown was оп the side
lines last year, the running game virtual-
ly disappeared. Draftee Jarvis Redwine
is the prime candidate to fill the spot.
Another rookie, receiver Магдуе Mc
Dole, could also be ап insta
Look for the Vikings to be ba
the thick of the Super Bowl race next
December.

The Chicago Be:
last season by improb

were snake-bitten
ble game breaks

and incompetent officiating. “It was the
most h e season of my life,” coach
Neill Armstrong told us. "But that's no

excuse. All teams get bad breaks and
wrong calls. A winning team is good
enough to overcome them. We weren't."
The Bears weren't far from success,
though, losing six games by a touchdown
or less. The draft brought in the squad's
al reinforcements: (1) superb
e tackle Keith Van Horne, whose
presence will permit veteran "Ted AL
brecht to move to guard; (2) devastati
linebacker Mike Singlet defens
‘Todd Bell
son, to shore up a leaky secondary;
(4) gem-quality receiver Ki
to give more potency to a letha
ing attack The latter cause will be
helped by a new offensive са
Marchibroda, and the continuing devel-
opment of quarterback Vince Evans.
With beter Juck and better offi
this could be a big year in Chicago.
There's a giddy optimism in Detroit
as September approaches. Two seasons
ago, the Lions were the worst team in
the МЕЛ. Then, last year, they barely

and Reuben Hender-
and

Ciairvoyance is te ability to perceive matters beyond
the range of ordinary perception. In this case: radar.
The perception of ordinary radar detectors is frustrated
by hills, blind corners. and roadside obstructions. What
is offered here is very different — the ESCORT" radar
Warning receiver

More than the basics

Any self-respecting radar detector covers the basics.
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alarms. It conveniently powers itself from your cigar
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inconspicuous size (1.5H x 5.25W x 5D) make its
installation easy, flexible, and attractive. But this is
just the beginning.

The first difference— Unexpected range

ESCORT has a sixth sense for radar. That's good
because radar situations vary tremendously. On the.
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of this difference. imagine a radar гар set up 14 mile
beyond the crest of a hill. A conventional detector
would give warning barely before the crest; scant sec-
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ol precognition, ESCORT must have 100 times as much
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What makes this possible is, in a word, superheterodyne.

The technology

The superheterodyne technique was invented in 1918.
by Signal Corps Capt. Edwin H. Armstrong. This circuit
is the basis of just about every ratio. television, and
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Successful application of this method to the field of
police radar detection. The key to this development is
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It continuously searches for incoming signals and com-
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false alarms.

The second difference
All this performance makes things interesting. When

а conventional detector sounds off. you know that габаг
is close at hand. However, a detector with ESCORT s.
fange might find radar 10 miles away on the prairies.
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limited to less than 1 mile warning. Equipped with
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whether the radar was a few seconds or 10 minutes
from greeting you. The solution to this dilemma is
ESCORT s unique signal strength indicating system. It.
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abrupt. strong reading tells you that a nearby radar has
just been switched on; something other detectors leave
you guessing about

Nice extras
ESCORT has а few extras that make owning it even.
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you can adjust to your liking. It also sounds different
depending on which radar band is being received. K
band doesn't travel as far so its sound is more urgent.
The alert lamp is photoelectrically dimmed after dark
50 it doesn't interfere with your night vision. And a
unique city/highway switch adjusts X band sensitivity
for fewer distractions from radar burglar alarms that
share the police frequency.

Factory direct

Another nice thing about owning an ESCORT is that
you deal directly with the factory. You get the advantage
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needs repair. our service professionals are at your
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Second opinions

САР and ORIVER.. .. Ranked according to performance.
the ESCORT is first choice... it looks like precision
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BMWCCA ROUNOEL ..."The volume control has a
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PLAYBOY...“ ESCORT radar detectors . . . (are)

Radar Clairvoyance

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AUTOWEEK . "Тре ESCORT detector from Cincinnati
Microwave ...is still the most sensitive, versatile
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No fooling
Now you know all about ESCORT. What about
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for your postage costs to return it. No obligation.

How to order—It's easy
To order, nothing could be simpler. Just send
five things to the the address below. Your name
and address. How many ESCORTs and Visor
Clips you want. Any special shipping instruc:
tions. Your phone number. And a check.

E]
Visa and Mastercard buyers may substitute.
their credit card number and expiration date for

the check. Or call us toll free and save the trip.
to the mail box. Order today.

VISA

CALL TOLL FREE. . . . 800-543-1608
IN OHIO CALL 513-772-3700
ESCORT

$245.00
(51348 Ohio res. tax)
Visor Clip. . $7.00
(039 Ohio res. tax)

CINCINNATI
MICROWAVE

Department 307
255 Northland Boulevard
Cincinnati, Ohio 45246

PLAYBOY

missed qualifying for the play-offs with
a young team that can only improve
with added savvy and some fine tuning
by coach Monte Clark. The biggest in-
jection of vigor last fall came from
superrookie Billy Sims. who more than
lived up to grand expectations by setting
several club rushing records. Another
rookie, kicker Eddie Murray, also made
a big splash, and quarterback Gary Dan-
ielson made a quantum leap toward ful-
filling his great potential.

Best of all, there is a strong sense of
inship and belonging among the De-
oit players, a bond born of long-
suffered adversit

The key ingredient to the impressive
rebirth of the Lions is the leadership
and canny coaching of Clark. If he isn’t
undercut by front-office types, Clark will
turn the Lions into a Super Bowl con-
tender—perhaps this season. Inept man-
agement and benumbed ownership have
kept the Lions wallowing in mediocrity
for many years. It would be a shame to
see a superb coach like Clark scuttled by
petty office functionaries.

The Lions’ schedule is much tougher
this fall (a result of last year’s impres-
sive record), but the draft brought some
important help. The newcomers most
likely to see lots of action this fall are
wide receivers Mark Nichols and Tracy
Porter, plus defensive end Curtis Green.

Complacency killed the Tampa Bay
team last fall. In 79, the Buccaneers
were boasting about going "from worst
to first,” but they nearly turned that
catchy phrase around a year later. Coach
John McKay has vowed to do some
world-class ass kicking in the pre-season
drills. The ‘Tampa sports press has also
been rubbing salt in the players’ ego
wounds. So the Bucs will probably play
with the intensity of two seasons ago. If
the running backs can learn to block for
nother, and if the defense can be
Hugh

on
rejuvenated by prime rookies

Green and John Holt, this could be a
much happier autumn in Tampa. For-
tunately, the schedule is less intimidat-

ing than a year ago.
neers’ major assets continue
to be quarterback Doug Williams (who is
only beginning to reach his peak) and
splendid young receivers Gordon Jones
and Kevin House. They and the young
offensive line will all profit this fall Irom
added maturity.

It's the same old depressing story in
Green Bay—the Packers are still in the
beginning stages of a seemingly inter-
minable rebuilding process, trying to
recover from the empty shell coach Dan
Devine left when he moved south to
South Bend in 1975. The agony and frus-
tration have finally driven players, man-
agement, fans and the press to the
breaking point. Several ugly fistfights
broke out on the practice field and in

196 the locker room last season. Coach Bart

Starr, once considered a messiah, has
been stripped of his general-manager
status and is suitably embittered. Packer
fans, once paragons of diehard loyalty,
enjoy rooting for opposing teams, and
the press has turned hostile.

This season doesn't promise to be
much better. The draft brought some
much-needed new blood, but promising
rookie quarterback Rich Campbell must
be groomed for future seasons. Of more
immediate help will be tight end Gary
Lewis and punter Ray Stachowicz. The
draft, unfortunately, produced little help
the defensive backfield, where help is
needed most.

This will be a pivotal year in Green
Bay. Either the team will show some
marked improvement or the whole fran-
chise will once again be turned inside
out and there'll be another new begin-
ning.

WESTERN DIVISION
NATIONAL FOOTBALL CONFERENCE

Atlanta Falcons 10-6
Los Angeles Rams . 9-1
San Francisco 49ers 6-10
New Orleans Saints . 4-12

Adanta was the surprise team in the
ational Conference last fall, finishing
with an unprecedented (for the Falcons)
12 wins and tying Dallas and Philadel-
phia for the best record in the National
Conlerence. The future appears to be
even brighter, because the Falcons are
one of the youngest teams in the league.
In only two years, the running game has
gone from one of the worst to one of
the best, thanks largely to fullback
m Andrews and halfback Lynn
Cain. The passing game, built around
quarterback Steve Bartkowski, is explo-
sive and getting more so. The Falcons
still need a substantial backup for Bart-
kowski (a commodity that did not ma-
terialize in the draft), plus offensive-line
depth and reinforcements for the defen-
sive secondary. Because of the latter
need, draftees Bobby Butler and Scott
Woerner have the best chances of break-
ig into the starting line-up their rookie
year.

Best prospect for the Falcons’ future
is the attitudinal situation. The players
are still hungry for victory and want
desperately to bring a big winner to
Adanta, which only a few years ago was
known as the city of losers.

Last year was a bitter disappointment
for Los Angeles fans. Never, perhaps, in
the convoluted history of professional
football a poisonous psychological
situation so undermined the fortunes of.
a team. It all began when owner Georgia
Frontiere laid half of Fort Knox on
rookie Johnnie Johnson, and the result
was predictable—the veteran stalwarts
of the squad got their noses out of joint
because they were getting pay checks
that were only a fraction of that of a

newcomer who had never played a down.
"The morale problem was never fully re-
solved. and what should have been a
Super Bowl year turned into a late-
season bust. This year could be even
worse unless some herculean strides are
made in management-worker relations.

On the field, the Rams suffer from
disastrous special-teams ineptitude, quar-
terback instability and continuing don't-
giveashit player attitudes. Coach
Raimondo Giovanni Giuseppe Baptiste
Malavasi used the draft to beef up the
defensive crew, with linebackers Mel
Owens and Jim Collins the likeliest re-
cruits to sec action this year. But the
outlook in Anaheim is not bright

The 49ers 6-10 record was a cause
for wild rejoicing in San Francisco last
December—which gives you an idea of
the state of football affairs in Flake City.
The squad was heavily populated with
youngsters last fall, so fans will expect
much improvement—at least a break-
even record—this year. But opponents
won't take the 49ers so lightly this sea
son. Also, rebuilding teams tend to fall
back once or twice before reaching re
spectability (the Atlanta Falcons under
Leeman Bennett are a classic example).
‘The 49ers’ main weakness, of course,

a serious lack of experience, espe
ally on defense. The running game is
also less than spectacular. The greatest
49er asset is quarterback Joe Montana,
who emerged last season with dramatic
suddenness. Other pleasant surprises
were wide receivers Dwight Clark and
Fred Solomon.

Happily, the 49ers had some draft
picks last April and came out with a
few players who could make imme-
diate—and much-needed—contributions.
Especially helpful will be rookie defen-
sive backs Ronnie Lott and Eric Wright.
Another draftee, defensive tackle John
Harty, should be a starter his first year.

An awesome reconstruction job faces
coach Bum Phillips in New Orleans. The
devastation is almost. complete. Phillips
first order of business is to rebuild а run-
ning game that was mordant last fall.
Saints fans see a halo over this ycar's
number-one draft choice, running back
George Rogers.

The Saints have severe personnel
needs almost everywhere, so look for a
lot of new names on the final roster.
How much of the rebuilding job can be
done this season is problematical at best.
Phillips is not renowned as a disciplinar
ian, and a laid-back coach in a laid-back
city may not be the best possible com-
bination for producing a winning team.

The most tragic victim of the Saints
perennial mediocrity is courageous quar-
terback Archie Manning. On a wi
team, he would have been an all-time im-
mortal. In New Orleans, his career has
been wasted.

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JOAN RIVERS

PLAYBOY

PLAYBOY: Does that happen a lot?
rivers: Enough. Sometimes I feel every-
body is looking. I don’t like that. Let a
stranger tell you, that's OK. The ro-
mance is out of my marriage, which is
horrendous. But what can you do? My
husband is a terrific man, so I just buy
myself the diamonds.

10.

rLAYBOY: When you and Edgar were
married, did he realize that one day he
would be a part of your act?

rivers; J don’t think he realized it. He
married me when I was already success-
ful. But I was always autobiographical
in my humor and it just evolved. He
became a part of my act the same way
my daughter became part of it, because
I talk about my current experiences. My
act now is more leaning over the back
fence and saying, "Can you believe
Nancy inger? Isn't she a horse? When
T met her, she was wearing a saddle from
Gucci and the queen of England! If I've
told her once, I've told her 1000 times,
‘Shave your toes” and like that. So
there's less of the husband in the act.

PLAYBOY: What do you think of Eliza-

beth Taylor's comeback?

rivers: I hear she looks terrific. In real

e, she's a dear friend of a dear friend
of mine. She said to him, “I've dicted
all my life. I want to get fat now. I'm
happy. Let me go.” That's her right.

But it's alo my right to say what
America’s thinking. I think a comedian
can never be an ider. І could never
be a friend of “the greats." Every friend
of mine who is a comedian and has be-
come a friend of the greats is no longer
funny. I won't go into names. You can't
dine with the biggies and then walk on
a stage and still be a common person. So,
when Elizabeth Taylor got fat, that was
great, because I could walk on a stage
and say, “Wow, her thighs are going con-
do.” Thank God she's fat. She lost weight
for a while and I went into shock. I was
so upset. I mean, I have a mortgage.

They say black makes you look thin-
ner. So she should hang out with the
Supremes. One of the reasons 1 enjoy
making jokes about her is men still
adore her. When I say she's fat, men get
upset in the audience, and then you can
scream at them—"OK, so she's not fat
I took her to Jack In The Box and she

198 ate Jack.” Then it's fun. But the men

(continued from page 149)

“They say black makes you look thinner. So Elizabeth
Taylor should hang out with the Supremes.”

still find her very sexy and beautiful.
God, her eyes. Especially that right one.
12.
PLAYBOY: How do you feel about Holly-
wood people entering politics?
rivers: I think it's a great idea, because
I'm planning to do it eventually. I
think I'd be dynamite. I'm gonna tell
Nancy Reagan to get out early so I can
redecorate. Is she or is she not a Step-
ford wife? She's so perfect.

13.

PLAYBOY: The sense of fun has gone out
of a lot of areas of life. Sports, for in-
stance. Everything is salary. Has that
gotten out of control?

rivers: I don't care, because I hate
sports. When I was single, I had to par-
ticipate. І mean, picture this Jew in
tennis shoes. I used to go sailing. You
understand, I was going out with a guy
from Harvard. I used to get hit in the
head with the boom. J had concussions
every spring. Try to sail and hide your
thighs at the same time. Try to sail in
high heels. It isn't easy to run on the
deck with Spring-O-Lators.

But somebody was saying to me how
disgusting it is with the salaries in Las
Vegas. If you can bring them in, and
they want to give you that, you're a fool
not to take it. I'm all for big salaries.
I'm also for big payofls under the table.
Im looking to become a tool of the
Mob. I'm looking for some big mafioso
to say, "Get your hands off her. She's
atra's woman.” I'm waiting for that.
That has never happened. Those are my
fantasies—"Leave her alone. She's Bob
Mitchum’s gal.” I met Robert Mitchum
at a party. I just stood and laughed
his stomach—he's so big.

14.

rLAYBov: Having lived on both coasts,
what are the dilterences between New
York women and Los Angeles women?

rivers: New York women are, by far,
brighter, smappier, better dressers and
doing more with their lives and are
unafraid. California women are much
more beautiful, nobody is over 11 and
they're all frightened to get old. I have
friends who exercise under desks.
In California, there's always the success-
ful guy with the great-looking blonde on
his arm and she lives only to stay “the
great-looking blonde.” In New York, you
may have a great-looking woman, but
she's also ап art histori
the Metropolitan Museum. In Califor-
nia, the women are much more “men’s

their

women,” much more athletic, and they
all look like Rod Stewart with hair bows.
They're all thinner out here, too. Very
depressing. Except its cheaper when
you give a dinner party in Califori

15.
PLAYBOY: Why is that?
rivers: In California, you don't have to
serve anything. Just Quaaludes and
everybody's happy. In New York, they're
looking for fine French food.

16.

pLaynoy: How do the
from the Western rich?

rivers: The Eastern rich know how to
spend it. The Eastern rich are not
frightened to have French furniture or
own an old master. They're not fright-
ened to go to Europe. I mean, that's
what the fun of money is: to go and buy
dothes over there at the showings. East-
ern lifestyle is much more formal. The
only time you see anybody in California
in a tuxedo is when they're burying him.
Here, the rich don’t spend their money
the way I like to spend it. Let me put it
this way: If I see one more piece of
country French furniture or Lucite, T
shall throw up. I have a very formal
living room because it's nice to ha
formal living room as we sit in our w
comfortable den. It's nice to have a for-
mal side to your life, too. These people
out here are a little frightened of that.
I bring finger bowls out at parties, and
people out here get very nervous when
they see that. They think entertaini
means a bathing suit and a bowl of chi

rLAYBOY: How do you keep creatively
sharp living in Los Angeles?
rivers: We read everything in sight. The
only extravagance we have, besides put-
ting a bid in for Buckingham Palace,
we go into a bookstore and buy anything
we want. That really keeps you very up
to date. You have to be up to date;
otherwise, you're dead in my business-
I also read the National Enquirer,
because when I go onstage, that's what
they want to know about: tl Princess
Caroline is a tramp. And poor Grace
Kelly, no wonder they say she boozes—
her daughter is sleeping around Mona-
co—and Caroline Kennedy is а bore.
Second-generation kids are push. A lot
of it has to do with the parents’ not
being there when they should have been.
Imean the mothers more than the fathers.

18.

PLAYBOY: Besides being a comedienne,
you've also directed a movic. What did
you learn from your experience with
Rabbit Test?

RIVERS: It got lousy reviews on the whole.
PLAYBOY loved it, Denver loved it, Chi.
cago loved it. 1 can tell you who loved it

Engine shown win optional ar conditioning. Truck shown with optione step bumper. 11981 Toyota Motor Sales, U S A Inc

THE NEW TOYOTA DIESEL TRUCK.

We took a tough Toyota Truck
and made it even tougher by putting
a Diesel engine in. Is that going too
far? We dont think so. We say the
new Toyota Diesel Truck is what a
Diesel should be

Take mileage. 38 EPA Estimated
Highway MPG, Gi) EPA Estimated
MPG is higher than any gasoline-
powered truck!*

Butthis Diesel i is more than just
economical. Our obsessive attention
to detail has paid off by reducing en-
gine noise, for quieter operation.

Equipment? We believe a Diesel
should be equipped only one way.
The right way. With features like a 5-
Speed overdrive transmission stand-
ard, not optional. A 7-foot cargo bed,
not 6-foot like some. And a separate,
rugged frame (like an 18-wheeler has)

so Toyota's Diesel Truck carries
a full 1000 pounds of payload. Inside,
the interior is what every truck should
be—comfortable.

Drive one of these tough new
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"Remember use this EPA Estimated MPG for: comparisons

of other trucks with manual transmission Your act
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ay
Probably bé less than the EPA "Highway Estimate

INTRODUCING
THE TOYOTA OF DIESELS.

PLAYBOY

It's crystal-clear. :
Itš a bit more expensive, but for a flawless, cool Tom Collins,
the world comes to Gordon's?
200

Gene Shalit should only dic. His mus-
tache should pull him down into the
pool. 1 remember Gene Shalit when he
was a flack, hanging out at the Upstairs
at the Downstairs, saying, “Think Fm
funny?” He was a big. fat boy. He knew
I'd mortgaged my home to finance Rab-
bit Test and he said on television twice
“1 hope she loses the house over this.”
I know he’s a really funny guy and can
be a lot funnier than me, but his special
ne in last place. That's the way it goes.
I hope he тч

Think I ger a little defensive? It
doesn’t sound like much now. but we
put up $192,000. When wc paid off the
note, the bank did a photo reduction of
the signed document and pasted it on a
bottle of wine and gave it to us, which
was very sweet.

19.

vmov: Now that we're out of the
"me" decade, what is going to happen
10 the gay culture that was flourishing
the end of the Seventies?

rivers: First of all, I am so progay. I
owe my carcer to the gays. They found
me first. But the Seventies got too liberal
t the end. On the other hand, the born
gain religious fanatics are very terr
fying. Its scary, you know, when God
only listens to certain people

The women de their point in the
Seventies, Lets all relax. Unfortunatel
it’s gone so far. I don't want to watch
The Phil Donahue Show and see elderly
ys telling me there's a
lifestyle for my child. This is not an
alternative lifestyle. This is a lifestyle
that will happen because of something
the child has no control over. But it is
not a choice. I think of myself as a fat
Queen Victori and yet 1 was the
first straight person to put my name in
the ad against Anita Bryant.

Don't you love how she swung around,
that bitch, when she suddenly found a
rich guy who doesn’t teel the way she
does? A lot of conviction there. But she
lost the commercials. Weren't they
smart, how they did that? Just very
quietly, they eased her out.
joy yourself. You go through
do anything you want—but quiet
ly, I'm хо bored with guilt. If you really
sce an animal you like, why not? But
don't tell me about it and don't ask me
to double-date with you and your chimp
and don't say to my daughter, “Have you
tried a great Dane?” Keep it to yourself
ry to convert anybody.

207

What comes between you and

alternative

PLAYBO
your Calvins?
rivers: Longies and body wrapping. М

is could

my Cal

lk, they would yawn.

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201

FISTFUL OF FIG NEWTONS

PLAYBOY

down at Jefferson, whose ear was just
under my right thumb.
"Tom, I'm not sure it's working oui
Another muttering wave of distant
protest filtered through my dusty Vene-
tian blinds. One of the problems of
living 14 stories above the city is that
you tend to see things too clearly, espe-
cially after a jot or two of whiskey.
Down on the street, amid the pitched
battles for survival, you get caught up
in the fray. In the continuous pinball
game of life, shouldering old ladies aside
for a vacant cab, thumping children in
the ribs for a seat on the subway, knec-
ing a nun in the groin for the last re-
ing hot pretzel engross you and
you fail, ultimately, to see that the whole
damn thing is falling apart. But high
over the city, after a desperate Friday at
the office with a final flurry of insulting
memos to cap the day, the vision sharp-
ens; the mind tears aside the veil of
wishful thinking, and there it is.
Incidentally, you can call me Dave if
you like. "That's not my real name, but I
prefer to remain anonymous for reasons
that will become obvious.
1 sipped more whiskey and, struck by
a sudden transient urge, ripped the
cover off the current issue of New York
with its gleaming white headline read-
ing: “101 FREE FUN THINGS TO DO IN THE
cty!” With smooth, practiced skill, I
quickly folded the cover into a paper ai
plane. It was an art I had not used in
many years, one 1 had perfected grade
after grade at the Warren G. Harding
School. I fished around in one of the
rickety, creaky drawers of my Swedish
Moderne Finish-It-Yourself desk and
found a red felt-tip marker that had
lently leaked over a pile of unpaid bill:
I quickly scrawled on one wing of my
airplane:
"Look out—I'm coming to get all of
you.” On the other wing, Isigned: “God.
It looked good. Inching my window
open a crack so as not to let in too much.
soot and noxious carbon compounds, 1
launched the plane out into the дан
ened canyon. It rose swiftly on an up-
draft, banked to the left and began
gracefully volplaning down, bearing with
it my hopes for a рецег world. Down,
down it drifted, until, finally lost from.
view, it disappeared into the mob. A few
white faces suddenly peered up at me. It
might have been imagination, but they
seemed frightened. One
mouthed a foul word.
“And the same to you, Jack, with bells
202 on it," I said.

face, however,

(continued from page 151)

“By God, I knew that face, that smile, that drooping
left eye, that rumpled tweed jacket... .”

1 smiled my carefully cultivated Dick
Cavett smirk and settled squashily into
my amazingly uncomfortable beani;
Jove seat. A distant phone tinkled and I
knew that the elderly maiden lady who
lived in the next apartment was getting
the first of her nightly obscene phone
calls. Even barbaric anarchy has its
routine,

The mornings Times lay scattered
about my feet. "All the News Thats Fit
to Print": hostages, wars, perversions, the
crossword puzzle, which had lately itself
begun to reflect the age, an occasional
shocking four-letter word aeeping in
here and there; James Reston's cal
voice chas ig the world for its follies.

I flipped the switch on my TV set, the
Cassandra of our days. Mayor Koch ap-
peared, his white shirt rumpled with
sweat, his tie hanging at halfmast. Flash-
bulbs popped. His еуез rolled wildly in
the glare.

I muttered, “By God, he still looks like
Frank Perdue, the CI

“I have informed the strikers’ repre-
sentatives that the city can no Jonger
tolerate—"

I flipped the channcl. Koch again. An-
other flip; another Koch. On all the
channels, nothing but Koches. If Karl
Marx were alive today, he would have
written, "ABC js the opiate of the
masses,"

Then I knew what I had to do. Des-
peration has its limits. My hand turned
the channel selector to that one island
of total, tranquil, heart-warming escap-
ism: 13. Public television. Where else
can you relive the entire Victorian
in endless reruns, а world peopled with
simple, honest maids and butlers and
square-jawed English squires? Occasion-
ally, the fare shifts even farther back in
time and Shakespeare's Henry V ride:
out again into battle, but such poetic
battle. French chefs eternally prepare
arcane treats featuring fish available only
off the coast of Normandy, and then for
only a fortnight out of the year, when
they are running. I settled back, pi
pared to enjoy an hour or two of total,
heavily endowed Culture.

“The following PBS program was

a," I hissed, “the Petroleum Bro:
casting System is still greasing the way:

A blast of atonal, formless electronic
music consisting of a series of arrhythmic
beeps and assorted transistorized hoot-
ing, the kind of fanfare that always pre-
cedes a “serious” program on PBS, filled

the room. The credits, a series of tricky
little exploding letters, unrolled endless-
ly. That's where most of the rich endow-
ments go; jazzy titles aren't cheap.
America [pause; another blast of
beeps] - . . the Aesthetics of Transition
[pause; assorted hoots} . . . the sixth
program in a series of twenty-four. [More
credits exploded into multicolored
space] Moderated by A Cooke.”

I settled back deeper into my beanb:
wondering briefly why every program
about America were hosted by an Eng-
lishman and knowing damn well that
the reverse certainly wasn't true, that the
BBC would never use Jack Lemmon to
discuss the Plantagenet line.

Mr. Cooke's calm face appeared. In
the background, an imposing wall of
heavy leather-bound volumes gave the
scene weight and depth. As his cul-
tured tones—cool, calm, unemotional—
droned, I reached down to the floor for
my Jack Daniel's bottle. Several cock-
roaches retreated hı y More sirens
iled, punctuated by furious Klaxons
ing the wounded to Belleyue.

‘Our guest tonight is the distinguished
ting lecturer at the University of
Chicago. . . .

Another face appeared on the screen,
smiling with well-bred diffidence, a face
dearly at home amid the dusty stacks. a
face obviously prepared to hold its own
in the highest literary salons in the land.
I leaned forward, the expensive Lir
beans beneath my rump rattling and
tinkling as they sought other positions
of discomfort.

Ву God, 1 knew that face, that cool
smile, that drooping left eye, that ru
pled tweed jacket with its faint growth of
moss. I knew that face! Was it the whis-
key? Was it another symptom of my
approaching madness?

“Dr. Umbaugh, we are pleased and
honored to have the privilege of discuss-
g the aesthetics of frontier courage and
the emergence of-
d Christ Almighty! Umbaugh!
Umbaugh! Good God! I clutched The
Great Democrat tightly and took а
mighty swig, followed immediately by
an uncontrolled belch,

“Why, yes, Mr. Cooke, the unique at-
titude bred on the frontier of barbarian
America was the result of many factors.
Chief among them, I must say, was cos-
mic boredom, and. . . ."

I struggled to my feet. “Umbaugh, you
son of a bitch! Tell 'em, you bastard,
tell "еп!"

I threw a pair of ice cubes iuto my
glass, cager to listen to the words of the
most talented, fiercely, nay, ferociously
courageous man I had ever known.

Dr. Umbaugh. Of course. That was
inevitable, at the very least. Umbaugh
was one of those to whom the academic
atmosphere was milk and honey, the
promised land. He fed on academia

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PLAYBOY

WHAT'S A GRENZQUELL?

Anincredible breakthrough
in timepieces from Switzerland.

So accurate they have been used by
physicists in pursuit of the quark,
Grenzquells run on tiny self-contained

rs. Cost: US$95,000.

The ancestral home of the ill-fated
Duchess of Grenzquell (1432-1489), Now renting
for the summer of 1987 at $5,875 a month.

seed sells for $90.

A million-dollar limousine
from Austria famed: iri Pallet E
1 wet bar audiovist
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Grenzquell. On thelips of everyone

Avirtually indestructible new
tennis ball from West Germany. After
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signs of wear. Itsells in Palm Springs for

5a throw.

Apremium German beer brought
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= 1980. World famous wine authority Robert Lawrence Balzer,
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Giumarra Chablis was picked over 76 other California white
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EP 1978. The International Viticulture and Wine Fair
awarded Giumarra Chablis a gold medal.

M1977. The Los Angeles County Fair. Among California
Chablis, Giumarra Chablis was giventhe Fair s highest
award.

@ 1976. The Los Angeles County Fair. Giumarra
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‘Mischievous as сї

'protecting a secrét
Ry Le-ah and Tiu se
behind the falls a
bade us follow.
Our climb from th
had been long and hol
we were glad to cool |
weary limbs. Suddenly, these |
bright spring blossoms
burst from the chill shower, nl | J
bearing an oaken scuttle, | |
brimming with bottles o il Til
both light and dark
San Miguel Beer. TA i |
Such hospitality we'd never |
imagined. We savored the |
cold, clean taste of the San
Miguel and set aside all a
cussion of the repairs our ^
reef-bound schooner would:
require on the morrow.
Thus did the afternoon
lj drift Бу: and the crew and

f Our carefree island guides,
sipping San Miguel and ~
splashing in the summer ;
garb of Eden* ,

nan Melville's
vard Hing taste Ore San Miguel

Imported by San Miguel. Iacaas (SA).

the way a whale inhales plankton, where-
as I and most of my comrades back in
thosc days when my life bricfly impinged
on Umbaugh’s struggled ceaselessly
against it, alternating between stark ter-
ror of imminent failure and crashi
utter boredom, boredom of a mind-
numbing nature so palpable and real
that you could almost sec it growing up
the walls of our poured-concrete prison.

The Midwestern university that L had
recklessly elected. to attend on the GI

Bill of Rights—a charitable outpouring
of public monies that has led to the
psychic downfall of multitudes of erst-
while worthy garage mechanics and
plumbers’ helpers—had been designed by
one of those architects of the French
school known, in translation, as “Art is
Truth, Ugliness is always honest: hence,
Art is ugly.” and there are few materials
in the world as ugly as poured concrete.
ity was much like

Attending the univers
living in a

vast, glass-enclosed con-
duct. It was the concrete more
than anything else, I suspect now, that
set the wheels in motion that catapulted
Umbaugh into the realm of legend.

It was two A.M. of a

crete

fact. I paced restlessly about n
concrete cell in a dormitory
named after one of America's more
cningly romantic carly pocts. W.
mates, referred to it as U.S. G
Hall. The twin dormitory next to us
was called The Portland Cement Arms
by its natives. The rain splashed against
the pitted aluminum window casement,
forever sealed against outside re;
t or some pru-
dent administrator had had the windows
protected against the threat, always pres
ent, of suicide, I paced as much as an
8'x 6" room, a room with its poured-
concrete desk, its poured-concrete
bureau with its endearing little poured-
concrete knobs, would allow. I wore only
a pair of sagging Jockey shorts, my Fruit
of the Looms being at the laundry. 1 had
$2.82 between me and the bottom of my
financial tank. I was running on the
. Tt was ten days before my next
I check was due from Uncle Sugar. Any
student who could get up the scratch
had long since fled that vast concretc
carbuncle in the midst of the cornfields
for weekend solace in the nearest big
city. Not me. Not with $2.82 in my Levis
and an organic-chemistry exam coming
up first period. Monday morning. The
only citizens left on campus were the des-

modern design. Either th

ite, the about-to-be-failed and the
truly zealous.
I peered out the window into the

sleety rain. Far below
against the storm, dimly lit by one of
the “colorful” turn-ofthecentury fake
gas lamps that had been installed in
the quad to counteract, theoretically, the
plastic ivy that was attached to the ex-
terior walls of our dorm. Real ivy does

a coed struggled

not thrive in that ate, so the alumni
of an earlier class had contributed the
plastic variety to our well-being. It
came from Montgomery Ward and was
the best-quality plastic ivy obtainable. Jt,
at least, enabled the university legally to
get away with the line: “The restful,
-covered walls of tradition-laden. . . ."

The starlings loved it, yelling and

honking amid the rattling leaves at all
hours of the night, carrying on the ob-
scene activitics that sct starlings apart
from the rest of the more ci ed bird
world.

The coed moved through the dim
light below. I listlessly peered down at
her. About five feet tall, going maybe
180 pounds, she wore skintight toreador
pants that showed off her vast hams to
best advantage. Her head covered with
pinkplastic barrels, she was typical of
the campus queens the school specialized
in: corn-fed, gum-chewing home-ec mi-
jors. No wonder PLAYBOY was passed
from sweaty hand to sweaty hand until
its pages were limp and ragged. It was
the only port in a storm.

I moodily squatted on the edge of n
poured-conerete bed, with
foam-rubber cushion. Mere inches from
my nose. Principles of Organic Chem-
istry, a hated volume of arcane, useless.

few scattered notebook pages bearing my
pitiful notes. Chemistry was my Moby
Dick. I had a brooding, certain knowl-
edge that it would get me in the end.
Subsequent events were to bear that out,
but that is another story.

Suddenly, out of the blue, a happy
thought struck me. “Yeah,” 1 muttered,
leaped to my feet and dove into the mi.
nute niche in the concrete wall that the
college handbook called a "spacious
walk-in closet." I pawed through the pile
of accumulated junk: my old combat
boots. a pair of galoshes my mother had
sent me, four pairs of mismatched Jap-
anese shower clogs, a couple of limp-
stringed tennis rackets, several tangled
clothes hangers. A

Weeks before, I had hidden away from
the avid. hungry eyes of my dormmates a
two-pound package of Fig Newtons. I
retrieved my treasure [rom amid the rub-
ble and sat happily on the bed, contem-
plating the virgin, pristine beauty of
the unopened package. I freely admit
that I am a depraved Fig Newton freak.
"There aren't many of us, but there is a
bond among the lovers of the noble Fig
Newton that transcends all. The Fig
Newton itself is one of the most glorious
creations of man. its subtle, soft, sand-
hued crust of a sensuous shade redolent

“Hi, honey. Marcie and I have been
talking nutrition. It seems we have the same
biochemical needs."

203

PLAYBOY

204

Great Days seem to happen
more often when you're
wearing Brut? by Fabergé.
After shave, after shower,
after anything?

filling of ancient figs from the sun-
drenched shores of Greece.

There are those who actually enjoy
such obscenities as Newton-type cookies
stuffed with cherry, strawberry and even,
God forbid, chocolate fillings. What
blasphemy! The very name Fig Newton
describes beautifully this classic pearl of
the baker's art. Legend has it that Isaac
Newton himself concocted this paragon
while contemplating the laws of motion.
There are those who maintain that his
discovery of the Fig Newton was vastly
more important than that business about
gravity, which any fool could have come
up with.

I hefted the package, with its provoca-
tive invitation, CUT ALONG DOTTED LINE,
in my hand. The rain drummed mo-
notonously. The dormitory was deathly
still, except for the occasional shudder-
ing moan of distant plumbing. With my
right thumbnail, I carefully split the
dotted line, savoring every moment to
the full.

Believe me,

any break in the soft,

muzy. stifling boredom is manna to the
prisoner. 1 have always felt that it was
no coincidence that Hitler wrote Mein
Kampf while in the slam, If he had had
a couple of pounds of Fig Newtons to
play with, maybe the world would have

been spared World War Two.

Carefully, Е cased the flap upward and
outward, laying bare the two compact
rows of magnificent beauties. Immediate-
ly, the musty concrete smell of my room
was drowned in the incomparable f
grance, the subtle, haunting perfume
that is characteristic of vintage Fig
Newtons. I breathed deeply. Beads of
perspiration, the sweat of sensuous an-
ticipation, covered my nose. I placed the
package carefully on my desk and rose
to steady my nerves. I stepped to
the window to prolong this moment of
ecstasy. Down below, a solitary cyclist
splashed through the puddles, his soggy
field jacket identifying him as another
ex-GI in pursuit of Government-funded
knowledge. He still wore the patches of
his old division, the Ninth Infantry.

I turned and carefully extracted a Fig
Newton from the company of its fellow:
The drama was about to begin, though,

naturally, 1 was not aware of it at the
time. Umbaugh was about to become
lcgend.

I sniffed the full-packed beauty and
took a tentative nibble, savoring the rich
yet somehow poignant flavor, hinting as
it does of the overtones of Greek trag-
edy the fig of Electra, Orestes, even
Oedipus himself. A few crumbs trickled
down my wrist. I finished olf the first
with lipsmacking gusto; a second, a
third. As I settled down to my fourth Fig
Newton, I became aware of a heavy
clumping outside my door.

“Christ Almighty, goddamn it!” I mut-

tered, frantically attempting to hide my
treasure under the pillow. Our dormi-
tory was peopled entirely by beings
whose sense of smell surpassed that of
the timber wolf. Any hint of food, any-
where, was sure to bring the ravenous
parasites.

My door slammed open and there
stood Goldberg, his hulking, blubbery
form, clad in his standard sagging Jock-
eys and shapeless T-shirt, almost filling
the room. He wore pink, rubber-thonged
sandals and a two-day growth of smarmy
beard.

“Fig Newtons. I smell Fig New-
tons, Y'got Fig Newtons!” he wheezed
hoarscly.

What a kick in the ass, F thought.
Goldberg, whose appetite was rivaled
only by that of the giant garbage-
disposal trucks that lurched daily about
the campus, gobbling up anything in
their paths, was the last person I wanted
to see this night. Known as Pig-out to
his friends and the Slob to all others,
Goldberg was born to cat

“Hey, Pig-out, I thought you went to
town.” I struggled to appear civil and
welcoming.

“Nah, Fm broke.
Newton.”

There was no way around it. The iron-
dad law of the dormitory mandated that
we share and share alike; a stupid law,
but there it was.

I extended the package to Goldberg.
He scooped up three at one swoop, the
poor little Fig Newtons hopelessly cling-
ing to one another for companionship
their last moments on earth. He
stuffed all three into his garbage chute.

“Mmmmfff, mmmnffffph,” he grunted,
like a rooting hippo.

What the hell, I thought, it’s every
man for himself now. 1 grabbed a couple
of Fig Newtons, barely avoiding his
grasp, and chewed happily. A feeling of
comradeship filled the room; peace,
tranquillity. It would not last long.

The silence was broken only by the
sound of our steadily chomping jaws and
ional grunts of animal pleasur

“Been saving these," I said between
chomps.

“What for?”

“A night like this, Goldberg. A night
like this.”

The rain drummed relentlessly out-
side. The faint red glow of a distant
neon sign transformed the drops rolling
down the pane into rubies. Off and on
the sign went. It was a neon arrow point-
ing down through the night to Jack's
GOLDEN DOME TURNPIKE DINER. EAT . . .
EAT... FAT... ЕАТ .. . it endlessly
intoned, beckoning the drivers of
K-Whoppers, Macks and Peterbilts to
come and grave at the all-night trough.

EAT... EAT...EAT.... And so wc
did, for a few blissful moments. Again,

Gimme a Fig

occ

the steady clomp of shower clogs ap-
proaching my door. Goldberg glanced
up, his chin dribbling crumbs.

“Whozzat?

“Hide "ет," I muttered.

Too late. Blotting out entirely the
light from the outside hallway was the
immense, looming, mountainous form of
Big Al Dogellio. the recognized terror of
Big Ten gridirons for three seasons.
Football players in that neck of the
woods are not students, ог even human.
beings in the ordinary meaning of the
term. They are bred for the purpose. It
is rumored that hidden in the remote
fastnesses of the state there is a Lineman
Stud Farm, where these monsters are
carefully nurtured from birth, destined
only to execute bone-crushing tackles
and shattering blocks on their way to
the Rose Bowl. Rarely scen outside the
confines of their hletes'
pound, these killers can be dangerous
when loose. What Big Al, known fa-
arly to sportswriters as Old 76, was
doing in our dorm, TII never know.

Naturally, we were both awed and
flattered to be in the presence of such a
demigod; 287 pounds, 6'514”, with a size-
22 neck and a 30-inch waistline, Big Al
was wedge-shaped; pure sinew and gristle
covered with a thick, bristly mat of prim-
itive fur. Numerous broken noses had
reduced his nostrils to blowholes, En-
veloping him was a distinctive animal
aroma, the scent that great snuflling
dinosaurs of the Reptile Age must have
carried, redolent of primal sw
ancient fens. He was as imposing and as
lovable as a bull rhino in heat.

He extended his immense paw toward
me. I had the fleeting impression that
his palms were covered with hair.

“Gimme cookie,” he grunted.

There's nothing a Fig Newton aficio-
nado loathes more than hearing a Fig
Newton called a cookie, but I let it pass.

“Of course. Heh-heh, of course. Have
all you want, Big Al.”

“Tanks.”

And Old 76 joined me and Goldberg
in our contented chomping. My tiny cell
was getting crowded, but the evening
was yet young and the pieces were fall-
ing into place of a historical event that is
still recounted on the campus these many
years later. At least three folk songs have
been written about it.

About half the box of Fig Newtons
had gone to that Great Cookie Jar in
the Sky when the star of the evening
made his entrance. I, personally, beliey
that he had somehow set the whole thing
up. But we'll never know. A light tap-
ping was heard; polite, discreet, I
creaked to my feet and opened the door.
There stood the tall, lanky figure of one
of the leas-known members of our dor-
mitory clan. He had the clammy, slug.
like pallor of the true scholar, one
obviously born to live only for footnotes,

cross references and bibliographies, а
natural writer of treatises.

Hi,” his voice soft and diffident, “I'm
Umbaugh. Schuyler Umbaugh from the
first floor, and it is rumored that there
are Fig Newtons available. I could scarce-
ly credit my senses when I heard of it,
but.

Big Al, glancing up from his fistful of
Fig Newtons, rasped, “Give ‘im some.”

“My name's Dave, and this is Gold-
berg, and-

Umbaugh, with a casual wave of his
long, thin, cello-player's hand, said, “Of
course, everyone knows Mr. Big AL
Indeed.”

He edged into the room, he, too,
dressed in the uniform of the day,
‘T-shirt, shorts and shower clogs.

Yes, sir, Fig Newton is one of my
favorite vices, and I have brought with
me something that makes the Fig New-
ton truly sin,

He produced a heavy, pregnant 12-
pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer. He
went on in his solt, precise voice:

Fig Newtons and Pabst, a combina-
tion rivaled only by vodka and caviar.
Here, have a brew.

We quickly dived in. Within seconds,
all four of us were inhaling cooling suds,
washing down the Fig Newtons, creating
a taste combination that is truly in-
describable. At first thought, it sounds
grotesque, but no, there is something
about the fermented hops mingled with
the crushed fig that is dynamite

“You guys are awright,” 76 muttered
as he unleashed a shuddering burp that
rattled the casements. Goldberg punctu-
ated the conversation with an apprecia-
tive fart. Dormitory life was being lived
to the fullest in room 303,

Goldberg suddenly lurched to his feet,
a can of beer in one hand and a Fig
Newton in the other, and announced:

“What the hell... Vl be right back.”

His room was two doors down the hall,
and seconds later he reappeared, the Fig
Newton gone but still bearing h ў
In his now-empty hand, he carried, its
string encircling his index finger, a three-
footlong, magnificent, richly gleaming
salami.

Iy Aunt Bella sent it to me for my
birthday. I been savin’ it for a celebra-
tion.

Goldberg handed the salami to 76,
who promptly bit four inches off the end.
to me. I bit off a luscious,
len mouthful and on it went to
Umbaugh

“The history of salami is an interest-
ing one.” He addressed us in the well-
modulated tones of a born teacher.

"The name derives from the tiny
island of Salama off the southern coast
of Sicily. The early Eighth Century saw
the emergence of the first sausage of this
type. Its fame quickly spread. The sau-
sage took its name from its homeland,

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salami being the plural of Salama, which
is the more proper —"

“Fer Chrissake, gimme another beer.”
Big Al was clearly not interested in
theory, being purely a man of action.

Umbaugh continued: “Saint Pietro
Salami, one of the early Christian mar-
tyrs, according to legend, added the
garlic as the result of a divine revelation.
His subsequent canonization Ал. nine
hundred and thirty-two led to . . . oh.
yes, of course. Have a beer, Mr. Seventy-

And so a happy hour was spent in
my yeasty, fetid concrete room. Worries
about carbon compounds and the halo-
gen series had been banished for the
moment. The gray wolves of boredom
were held at bay, to skulk uneasily in the

ny outside world. A huge bite of gar-
icky salami, a quick slug of beer and
a nibble of Fig Newton, in oe order,
was the rou
and beer passed from а cm eee
Occasionally, low, gurgling stomach rum-
bles added a fitting obbligato to our
debauch.

Umbaugh, his mind ranging widely
over the whole panoply of human expe-
rience, entertained us with arcane facts.

“Are you gentlemen aware that the
fig stands unique in the tangled world
of nature's flora? It has a de
blossom that must be ferti
tiny insect, which, flying from male
blossom to female blossom, carries the
minute fertilization cell that makes this
Juscious Fig Newton possible.”

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“No kiddin?” Goldberg, always eager
for more sex news, listened intently.

“Yes, Goldberg, but it is essentially a
sad story, since this tiny insect, Latin
name Blastophaga psenes, dies at the
very instant of fertilization. The blos-
som closes over it and each fig absorbs
the tiny body of a departed insect hero-
ine. The Great Fig Blight that struck
"Turkey in 1807, due to"

"Y' mean there's goddamn dead bugs
in these things?" Old 76 looked up from
his Pabst, his eyes glowing with menace.

"Yeggkk!" Goldberg glared nervously
at his half-eaten Fig Newton.

I wouldn't put it exactly that way,
Mr. Seventy-six. In a manner of speak-
ing, that is true, but. -

At the time, I thought that, under the
influence of the beer and the bonhomie
of the moment, Umbaugh was putting
us on. Later, I was astounded to find
that he was telling the truth,

But by then, it was too late. The Fig

had disappeared and we were
. with only maybe six
inches of salami left to go. It was close
to [our л.м. and, if anything, the rain
was drumming down harder than ever.
At that moment, Umbaugh began to
spring his trap. Big Al, who later went
on to glory in the N.F.L. after а spec-
tacular career in the Big Ten, was about
to learn a lesson.
Umbaugh said,

tilting his

string-bean 6/6", 1 pound frame for-
ward slightly, bending in the middle

e some intellectual praying mantis, a
ile pla over his
sallow features, “it must be truly
fying, in a deep, primal way, to smash
the Iowa line to smithereens, to crush
Leroy ‘Snake H Johnson, Ohio
State's vaunted all-American halfback,
into the dust of the gridiron, to be a
modern gladiator; fearless, indestructi-
ble, impervious to defeat”

A flicker of confusion clouded Big
Al's tiny BB eyes. "Uh yeah. Well,
the bastard give me the knee in the
first quarter, so I hadda get the son of
a bitch.”

Goldberg and I listened to this ex-
change with rapt attention. Umbaugh
could be on dangerous ground. One
treads softly around a rutting mastodon.

“Well, you certainly did get the, as
you say, bastard. I happened to be pass-
g through the student lounge on my
at the very moment

nglorious departure from the
on a stretcher borne by tour of

iliated teammates. The roar of
the crowd as the ambulance left the
arena was certainly thrilling and, I might
add, not a bit too soon. Ohio tends to
get a bit cheeky, eh?"

Big Al moodily chewed the butt end
of the salami, its string hanging for-
lornly out of his mouth and into the

rough stubble of his granite jaw.

“Yeah, well, he should'na tried com-
ing through me after "me that knee.
Them dumb fuckers never learn.”

“By George, that was well put,” Um-
baugh smiled admiringly at Big Al's
. “TI have to remember that.
I was rather relieved, though, that after
the operation, they announced that he
would probably walk again. In time."
Umbaugh smiled benevolently.
cah. well I figured since he was
only a sophomore, the dumb jerk didn't
know no better, so I went casy on him."

“I, for onc, admire you, Big Al, for
letting that fool Snake Hips off so easily.
True d . Even he must be grateful
that you let him off with only a cracked
pelvis, a few shattered ribs and maybe
a crushed spleen."

Big Al's stecl-blue BBs flickered as he
appeared to study Umbaugh intently.
My God. I thought, if Big Al senses that
he is being put down, all three of us
could go the way of that Ohio halfback
in an instant.

"Hey, Big AL" I asked bravely, trying
to change the subject, "do you always
wear your jersey with the number and
everything around like that?”

"Nah. Only around the dorm. I can't
get no T-shirts that fit. They all rip
down the

ned red-and-white jersey,
76, had been cut off

to give breathing room to his hairy,
bare midriff.

But Big Al was not about to be
put off by any clever conversational
feint from the likes of me. His ball-
bearing eyes continued to stare steadily
at Umbaugh.

“What you say your name is, huh?”
He leaned forward, his cordlike muscles
rippling, playing like sleek dolphins
over his shoulders and mighty back.

“Ah, Umbaugh is the name. Umbaugh.
‘The name has an interesting derivation.
Back in the early Twelfth Century-

Big Al cut him off in mid-prattle with
a furious animal snort. “Umbaugh! I
Vought I knew that name. Yeah. You're
the horse's patoot that wrote that dumb
fuckin’ letter to that stupid newspaper

A spasm of mortal fear gripped my
guts. Of course, it was Umbaugh who
had written that sardonic blast that had
appeared in The Crimson Bugle, our de-
spised student newspaper. Titled “Ath-
letics—Boobs' Paradise,” it had rocked
the campus.

These loutish oafs thudding into
one another with all human q
ties crushed underfoot. . . . I danl
that the English Department go on
strike against this further, indeed,
highly applauded display of human
depravity. The name Jane Austen
is known to barely one percent of
the student body of this so-called

institution of higher learning. but
99 percent of my alleged fellow stu-
dents can give you the name, weight
and record of every third-rate sub-
stitute lineman in the entire Big
Теп. How long will this barbaric. ...

Big Al stood, his crewcut lightly brush-
ing the ceiling of my cell, his steady
gaze, unblinking, boring deep into Um-
baugh. My God, hes gonna charge! I
thought wildly.

Goldberg cringed next to my bureau.
He appeared to be counting the knobs
studiously.

Umbaugh cleared his throat lightly.
“I confes, Big Al. It was, indeed, I.
However, 1 meant it only in jest. As an
exercise in Swiftian humor and satire,
DEM.

"Can the crap." Big Al certainly had
а way with words. “That Jane What-the-
Fuck's"er-Name some broad yer shackin"
up with?"

For a flecting instant, I had a vision
of the prim, virginal authoress of Pride
and Prejudice sneaking off into the night
with Umbaugh for a little hanky-pank

“Or more likely you're a friggin’ fag.
Big Al sucked sullenly at his beer can.
“Jane? Oh, of course, you mean Jane
Austen. Y suppose one could say, п
physically, we have been ‘shacking up,’
immersed as I have been in her work for
three years now, preparing for my doc-
toral dissertation titled "Irony—the Last

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PLAYBOY

Bastion of the Beleaguered Mind.’ I sup-
pose you might say that. . . .” Struck
by a sudden thought, he paused. E
George, that is good. ‘Shacking up.’
must tell Dr. Bloombuster that P
he'll.
You goddamned cggheads are a royal
pain in the butt. The trouble with you
dumb shitheads is that not one of you
ever could beat nobody at nothin' and
you can't stand nobody who can, so you
go around blowin’ oft."

A river of sweat poured down my
back. The evening had taken a nasty
turn.

It must haye been just about then
that Umbaugh decided to close the trap.
It's hard to tell. All 1 know for sure is
that he said nothing for a long, tense
moment. The rain dru dily on
my window. Goldberg appe
trying to draw a cloak of invisibi
around his blubbery hulk.

Finally, Umbaugh, in a low voice, an-
swered Big Al's charge. “That theory
perhaps has some validity, Big Al, but
then, on the other hand, there are
those who believe that deadly combat is
the very soul of man, and that we all
have it.”

Under my breath, I hissed,
mbaugh, careful."

Every man," Umbaugh continued in
an even voice, “has his own game, where
he is a killer, and-

“What the fuck do you know about
games, you skinny pissan

It then that Umbaugh struck. He
casually extracted a large, flat blue-and-
white hox from his T-shirt breast pock-
et. With cool deliberation, he removed
a silver-wrapped lozenge from the box,
unwrapped it and popped its contents
into his mouth.

Goldberg, obviously trying to ease the
tension in the room, squealed nervous-
ly, "Hey, Umbaugh, you got candy!"

“Not exactly, Goldberg. I am merely
indulging in a Boomo-Lax tablet."

Boomo-Lax, the legendary laxative
that billed itself: ‘Tastes like a fine
French bonbon; yet has the action of a
hand grenad

Goldberg, the human garbage dis-
posal, could not pass that up. “Hey,
gimme one. They taste like chocolate,
don't they?"

“I believe the phrase is ‘a fine French
bonbon,” Umbaugh answered, licking
his lips appreciatively. "Say, would you
genuemen care to join me
contest? A game, if you will.”

Big Al immediately rose to the chal-
lenge. Since tot-hood, he had won every-
thing in sight, bashing and thundering
over countless opponents throughout the
years. He could not allow Umbaugh's
challenge to pass.

“What kinda game? You wanna arm-
wrassle or somepin'?" The BBs suddenly

“Careful,

20g blazed with the fierce hot light that had

withered the soul of many an offensive
back.

‘The thought of Umbaugh's matchstick
arms cracking merrily under the on-
slaught of 76's concrete biceps made
even Umbaugh laugh.

“Oh, goodness gracious, no. ‘The con-
test I propose involves truc intestinal
fortitude.”

“You mean guts?” Al snorted. “
mean guls, you skinny twerp:

“You could say that,” Umbaugh an-
swered calmly.

I was to find, shortly, how truly he
spoke. Goldberg, who had been busily
licking the interior of the Fig Newton
box for any odd crumbs, asked, “What
kind of game?”

Umbaugh drew himself to his full
height, his thin, milky body with
knobbly knees and sunken chest looking
a bit like a hatrack wearing a too-large
T-shirt.
їз quite simple, actually. 1 have 49
blets of this delicious Boomo-Lax left
in this package, having already eaten
one, which I will throw in as a handi-
cap. We will pass the package from hand
to hand, eating Boomo-Lax tablets in
turn, and the last man left in the room
wins. It is as simple as that. Of course,
we will allow three minutes between
tablets, under the international rules."

“Of course,” I said, “rules arc rules.’
оц tryin’ to say, you skinny bastard,
that you can eat more of them dinky
chocolates than I can? Me?”

AL who had never refused a challenge
in his life, was not about to begin now.
Goldberg, on the other hand, had mo-
tives far simpler. He never turned down
the chance to eat anything, unless it had
hair on it and crawled. I, however, was
like one of those poor yaps who get
sucked in to a bar fight and begin swing-
ing wildly at everything in sight, only to
wind up with a broken hand from hit-
ting the gum machine and 30 days in the
can. Not only that but I thought I saw
a way out of what looked like something
that was going to develop into a truly
bad scene.

"Fifty dollars, Rig Al, to make the
game more sporting. I propose a gentle-
man's wager of fifty dollars each, the
winner take all.”

Big Al, his face suddenly wreathed in
the same smile of Christian charity that
had once graced the visage of Mighty
Casey at the bat, chuckled evilly.

Numerous alumni had seen to it
that Big Al never had to worry where
his next supply of cash was coming from.
It was said that twice monthly, a
Brink's truck delivered his "incidental
expenses,” with two armed guards carry-
ing heavy sacks. Linemen of his ilk don't
come cheap in the Big Ten.

Goldberg, sure of victory, recklessly
joined the fray: "Count me in.

Well, what could I do? A man has his

honor and, after all, I can eat choco-
late with the best of them.

deal the cards," I barked with
ssurance of Henry Fonda sitting in
on a poker game with Jack Palance. “I'll
bet fifty bucks out of my next GI check,
which I get in ten days.”

"Ihe game is afoot, men. I now de-
clare time is in.” Umbaugh's manner
had become formal, almost Victorian.
He consulted his watch carefully and
then passed the box of Boomo-Lax to
Big Al.

"Take one tablet, pass it on to the
next contestant and then, finally, around
to me, the dealer.”

Big Al grabbed a silver cube and
popped it into his maw, chomping fero-
Giously. He then spit the wrapping out
defiantly. “What a stupid game. Jeezu:

Goldberg took his hungrily and I fol-
lowed suit. By God, they did taste like
a fine French bonbon. Umbaugh, with
great delicacy, unwrapped his tablet
and began sucking daintily.

“One round, players, has been com-
pleted

“Hey, they're good. Hey, they're really
good! Can I have two on the nes
round?" the human garbage can asked
happily. I conld see that he, too, was
relieved that combat had been averted.

“Now, now, we must have rules. One
per round

‘Three minutes passed in silence as the
tension rose in the arena. “Round two.”
Umbaugh passed the box to Big Al and
it quickly made the circuit.

“Hey, this is dumb. J could cat the
whole goddamn box. What kinda dumb
game is this?”

Big Al was chafing a bit. He wanted
more action. He was about to get it.

After the third round, I noticed that
a crowd had begun to gather at the door,
which had been left ajar by Umbaugh
for reasons we were about to lear

“Get ‘em, Big Al!"
ing a red-and-white beanie yelled.

“Courage, Schuyler. Steady on." A

il a chartreuse-
silk robe cheered on his favorite.

Umbaugh passed the box on its fourth
пір. The crowd grew. Rumors had
spread throughout the dormitory that
a thrilling athletic contest was going on
in 303 and that Big Al! Dogellio was
being challenged by a nerd from The
Literary Quarterly. Hoarse shouts of en-
couragement and bursts of applause
echoed in the hall. Catcalls, huzzas. Bet-
ting between spectators had broken out.
Partisanship was rampant. I was pleased
to note that 1 had my share of backers,
no doubt the result of the time that I
had eaten an entire meat loaf in the
campus cafeteria, оп a dare. I was not
without qualifica

Naturally, the heavy favorite was Old
76. It was known via the sports pages
that he daily breakfasted on two three-
pound sirloins and a dozen and a half

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PLAYBOY

210

eggs (sunnyside up) seven yards of
country link sausage and two gallons of
homogenized milk. We all remembered
vividly a photograph that had appeared
the year before in the Chicago Tribune
showing Old 76 at the festive board. The
caption read, “Athlete devours entire
turkey for Thanksgiving.”

OF course, Goldberg’s sickening gusta-
torial adventures were well known. I
must admit that few put their money
on Umbaugh. Unfortunately, the crowd
usually backs favorites, often to its
sorrow.

Eighteen minutes into the game, just
after our sixth Boomo-Lax, Idberg
suddenly, with no prior symptoms of dis-
tress, lurched to his feet, swayed for a
moment like an elephant in a hurricane,
let go a mighty, quavering belch and
made a staggering leap for the door. ‘The
crowd roared and parted like the Red
Sca. Goldberg thundered down the hall-
way, his shower clogs making a mighty
clatter. As he ran, a high, thin moan
accompanied him.

The sanitary facilities for the third
floor were at the far end of the hall. The
crowd bellowed a mighty chcer as Gold-
berg just made the door in a skidding
turn and hurled himself from sight.

“Many are called: few are chosen.”
Umbaugh smiled thinly. “One down,
three to go.”

Big Al snorted. "I know'd plenty of
blubbery guys like that before. They
never last. Gimme another one a’ them
little bastards. They ain’t bad.”

“Round seven.” Umbaugh passed the
box to Big Al, who swallowed his tablet
after a quick chew.

“Umbaugh, y' better quit while you're

ahead,” he rasped.

The crowd, sensing his malevolent
competitive nature, fell silent. He hand-
ed the box to mc, and to this day, I can't.
clearly remember what happened. Maybe
it was the excitement; maybe 1 just
didn't have it. I don't know.

Just as 1 reached for the Boomo-Lax,
I had the uncontrollable sensation of be-
coming suddenly inflated, as though
someone had cruelly blown me up like
a helium weather balloon. 1 felt my
Jockey shorts stretching and cutting into
y middle. They were so tight that there
was an audible thrumming sound. My
arms stuck out at right angles from my
distended body. I felt like a Macy's pa-
rade Donald Duck float in a high wind.
I caught a flecting glimpse of Umbaugh’s
lip. curled in disd: I was beyond
caring.

“Yes, with ‘the a
nade,’ " he hissed.

I bounced and skittered to the door.
Through the buzzing sound in my ears,
I could hear the crowd faintly, as from
a long distance, as they cheered and
hooted. The distance of 75 feet or so
down the corridor seemed to grow long-
er and longer as I wildly waddled, teeth
clenched, trying to hold back the molten
lava that boiled mside me: a human vol-
cano about to erupt, slaying thousands
in its devastation.

At last, I crashed through the door
marked MEN and, moaning weakly,
hurled myself into one of the blessed

ion of a ha

booths. Even in my feverish panic, I saw
Goldberg's foot extending from under
the third booth down, his poor shower
I

clog resting forlornly 15 feet a
heard him rumbling and crying pitcou:

“You know, the country may be swinging even farther
to the right than we thought.”

ly for he!p. 1 was busy with my own
troubles.

It was as though a runaway Roto-
Rooter had gone berserk in my gut. Bits
of chewed salami spurted from my ears.
Never before, or since, have I had such
a horrendous experience.

“Oh, Im gonna die,"
moaned.

I envied him, since it was obvious that
I had already passed into the Great Be-
yond and was paying for my sins. Was
І in hell? Was Satan himself squeezing
me dry like a human washrag?

Tears trickled down onto my knees
as the ghastly mélange of Fig Newtons,
sa! and Pabst Blue Ribbon drowned
mc in its engulfing flood.

What scemed hours later, I tottered
weakly out into the hallway, a wraith
of my former self. The crowd had dou-
bled in front of my room. They were
still at itl

Goldberg

I edged through the mob, my body

sore and aching. Umbaugh still stood, as
he had all evening. Big Al was casually
leaning inst the concrete wall next
to the casement. They were eycball to
eyeball. It was the age-old confronta-
tion; mano a mano, High Noon. The
Intellectual, the Man of Ideas vs. the
Beast.

"Round twelve," Umbaugh barked.
Spectators murmured. There was a scat-
tered burst of applause. Umbaugh, with
the maddening air of the intellectual
who firmly believes that he is one of the
very few who hold the key to the mystery
of the universe, downed his deadly bit
of chocolate.

The greatest defensive tackle the Big
Ten had yet produced followed suit, a
snecr creasing his Naugahyde features.

“You dumb fuckers never learn,” he
muttered.

A voice in the crowd murmured,
"That's just the way he looked before he
nailed Snake Hips Johnson in the Ohio
game. Oh, God, I can't watch

Umbaugh casually waved a limp-wrist-
ed salute to his few supporters, who were
mainly from the staffs of The Literary
Quarterly and The Barbaric Yawp, the
campus poetry rag.

“Courage, Schuyler,” one of th
piped.

Another, a short wartish person in a
Samoan toga, lisped, “It's Apeneck

Sweeney versus Daedalus.

Umbaugh turned and withered him
with a glance. "I presume you mean
Icarus, you oaf. However, your thought
was well meant.”

The wart scrunched deeper
toga, his acne redden
darkened.

"Who the hell does Apeneck Sweency
play for? Never heard of him.

Umbaugh smiled benignly. “I never
heard of him, either, noble foe. Shal!
we continu

I had edged my way through the crow:

into his

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and back into my room and was now
busily mopping up the gushing perspira-
n that ran into my eyes and dripped
off my nose. Something told me that I
would soon be making another trip
down the hall.

Umbaugh, noticing me at last, ac-
knowledged my presence.

"You fought gamely and well. Feel
no shame."

“Thanks.”
"Round thirteen.”

In silence, the gladiators put away
their deadly potions. Somehow, the
crowd sensed that we had reached the
turning point. Tension was so thick that
it hung like a fine blue haze in the room.
‘The rain had finally ceased and the first
faint silver fingers of dawn had touched
the ancient oaks of the quad. Saturday
was beginning to happen, the biggest
Saturday of the season, in fact. We were
playing Michigan for the Big Ten cham-
pionship, the winner, of course, to go to
the Rose Bowl.

Umbaugh leaned forward, his washed-
gray eyes peering unblinkingly into
BBs. He whispered, barely audi-
outside the room, drawing out
the syllables of his words to underline
their import.

"Rounnnd [long,
four .. . tece —

Before Umbaugh could complete his
announcement, Big Al stiffened. An in-
choate bellow of animal intensity shook
the concrete walls.

"UUUUUOOOOO^

He lurched forward and then began to
topple slowly, like a great redwood felled
in the forest. Umbaugh, moving back-
ward with snakelike agility, his voice
lashing out, warned:

“Move back, This could be dangerous.”

With a mulled thud that rocked our
immense dormitory building, Big Al hit

PLAYBOY

pregnant pause]

NNKKKK!

the floor. his red-and-white jersey dark-

ened with sweat. The 6 of his famous
number curled weakly under his bushy
armpit.

Umbaugh casually hoisted his droop-
g shorts as he coolly stood over his
fallen foe. “Jane Austen lives.”

It was all over. My room was never
the same again, even after hosing it down
repeatedly and soaking the walls and
floor and, yes, even the ceiling with
powerful disinfectants. Big Al lay prone,
his immense bulk quivering as giant
spasms shook his frame. His followers,
whitefaced and stricken, rallied to his
d. They tugged and pulled his almost
lifeless hulk down the hall, trailing
noxious fumes. It was then that Um-
baugh displayed the true style of a
champion.

"Well, boys,” he stretched luxuriously
id scratched his ribs with satisfaction,
it's been an exciting evening. And, as
a nameless Phoci captain once
wrote, ‘When the ship sinks, you've lost
the battle.

212

His followers, their eyes glowing with
admiration, applauded their hero. I
kept my silence. Alter all, he had dis-
embowcled mc.

From far down the hall came the
sounds of rushing water and the rumble
ofan expiring beast.

Walking to the casement window, Um-
baugh squinted out into the dawn, the
faint red glow of Jack's neon sign play-
ing over his ascetic. chiseled features.

“I feel like a spot of breakfast. A

healthy hunger, or, as the English would
say, I'm a bit peckish. A stack of blue-
berry buckwheats drenched with maple
syrup and a scoop of butter would just
hit the spot. And since I am now some-
what flush this morning, I'll treat the
gang to what the old Golden Dome Din-
er has to offer. What do you say?
y back imply on my monk's slab.
Within moments, the room was empty.
The arena was silenced. Only the ghost
of the heroic struggle remained.

After a few queasy moments, I crawled
to the window. Below me, I saw Um-
baugh, his storklike figure striding con-
fidently toward the sun, leading his
enraptured toadics, wailed by the wart
the Samoan toga.

Later that fateful day, our alma mater
went down to humiliating defeat. Michi
gan, a decided underdog, had pulled off
an upset. I still have a clipping that
rea

Loss OF ALL-
Tos

(State Campus, А.Р) Missing his
first game in three years of all-Amer-
ican play, Big Al Dogellio, State's
brilliant all-American tackle, was
the probable cause of Saturday's de-
feat, State's losing 26-20 cost the
home team the conference cham-
pionship and a trip to the Ros

Bowl.

"The head coach refused to be in-
terviewed after the game as to the
cause of Dogellio's failure to play,
stating only, “The bum lost a lot
of weight." He would not elaborate.

Dogellio himself was unavailable
for comment and remained in secli
sion today. Rumors that Doge
had been suspended from the team.
were neither confirmed nor denied,
leading to further speculation.

And here, after all these years, was
Umbaugh. On TV, yet. I shifted uneasily
on that goddamn beanbag love seat,
which I have hated since the day I
bought it. Taking a deep, inhaling suck
at my whiskey, I squinted closely at Um-
baugh's triumphant face on the screen.

“Т hope that some of our viewers today,
Mr. Cooke, have come to appreciate the
role boredom has played in the world's
history. As a little-known Phoenici
captain once inscribed: "When the ship
sinks, you've lost the battle.” Yes, Mr.

Cooke, it is never wise to put your bets
on the favorite. As the legend of Icarus
shows... .”

The truth. after all these years, hit me.
With a hoarse cry, I toppled forward,
knocking my precious Thomas Jefferson
tumbler to the floor with a crash, his
stony visage shattei nto slivery
shards, the rich amber whiskey staining
the Times editorial page. thoroughly
soaking a Tom Wicker column titled:
“The Intellectual; America’s Most Pre-

cious Asset."
You Benedict Arnold. You crummy
rotten quisling. Selling out State to

Michigan. You son of a bitch. For the
first time, I understood why the Archie
s of the world, the slobs of the
instinctively distrusted the in-
. They were right all along!

I moaned weakly in my shame. I
had been cruelly used by this smarmy,
poetry-quoting wimp. My simple, inno-
cent lust for Fig Newtons had led to the
defeat of my beloved State by the hated
Wolverines. Oh, God, if the Alumni
Journal ever gets wind of thi

I took a deep swig of Jack Dan
straight from the bottle for susten,
courage in my hour of selirevela
I knew then with a deadly certainty
that guilt would pursue me the rest of
my life.

The bastard had laid a big bet on
Michigan?!

Goldberg and poor dumb Big Al
Dogellio and 1 were just pawns, shills, if
you will, in Umbaugh’s sinister game.
No wonder he had all that dough to pa
for those postgraduate credit hours, that
convertible, that vintage Beaujolais,
those stupid imported Egyptian ciga-
rettes. Oh, Lord, will perfidy never endz

A line from Tennessee Williams’ Cat
on a Hot Tin Roof came back to me in
that moment of feyered illumination:
Big Daddy bellowing about mendacity,
“There's nothing else to live with except
mendacity, is thcze?

I shook my head in rucful admiration,
the kind of admiration that you feel for
John Dean of Watergate fame, the little
pimple pulling off the big steal and com-
ing out of it rich. Umbaugh, you son
of a bitch. Few people in the world know
what your true talent is. The greatest
Boomo-Lax hustler who ever lived. You
hustled us, you talented horse's ass.

Once again, I felt the terrible panging

clutch in my vitals known to the trade
as Boomo-Lax backl 1 gered
toward the john, flipping off the TV set

ir Cooke s:

program. We would like to take this
opportunity to thank Dr. Umbaugh
for.

I gasped out, "Them dumb fuckers
never learn!” as I barely made the
blessed sanctuary.

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PLAYBOY

214

ROLLOVER,BEETHOVEN! (continued from page 143)

“With today's miniaturized electronics, it is possible
to design playback response in a very compact space.”

Soundabout, now The Walkman, was in-
troduced and heralded as the world’s
smallest player for standard stereo cas-
senes, It weighed just under one pound
and it measured a mere 5 5/16" x 1 3/16"
x31/2". You could sling it over your
shoulder, loop it onto your belt or even
slip it into a large pocket. It played the
standard cassette and you heard the
sound through ultralightweight stereo-
phones linked to the cassette unit by a

mini stereo

signal cable fitted. with a
plug. The thing ran on AA cell batteries
and via adapters, from car electrical sys
tems, a rechargeable battery pack or
household A.C.

That unit—still going strong—set the
pattern for the wave of similar products
that has ensued. With a few variations,
the basic format is similar among all the
brands. The cassette fits into a normal-
size cassette slot and the entire unit is
not much bigger than the compartment.
Along one edge of the device are the
controls for start, stop, fast-wind, vol
ume, and so on. Another edge has the
connections for headphone cords and

any adapters for use with external power
sources. The unit fits into a protective
case with openings that let you get at
the controls. The headphones are so
light you might not even be aware you
are wearing them until the stereo sound
comes through with amazing clarity

Most units have a tone control—a sin-
gle two-position switch on the low
priced models, a variable control on the
costlier versions. Basically, they all pro-
vide for treble cut, probably for reduc-
ing the highs to compensate for a lack
of Dolby when playing tapes that were
recorded with Dolby noise reduction, or
simply to reduce tape hiss. Hardly so-
phisticated, but this feature is still quite
effective. With today’s miniaturized clec-
tronics, it is possible to design reasonably
widerange and low-distortion playback
response in a compact space; and since
the sound is through headphones, very
little audio power is necded to produce
loud listening levels. The ultrathin mate-
rials used for the headphone diaphragms
respond briskly to the low-powered sig-
nals and the result is convincing stereo.

Another common feature is a built-in
tiny electret-condenser microphone and
a button that, when pressed, lowers the
cassette volume and turns the micro-
phone on for external sounds that are
reproduced over the reduced music vol-
ume through the headphones. This fea-
ture allows someone to let you know it's
time for lunch when you're wrapped up
in Cosi Fan Tutte.

Some units boast special features. For
example, the KLH Solo has a digital
tape counter. Metaltape capability plus
Dolby are built into Infinity's Intimate
Sterco. Panasonic has two versions: The
RS-J3 offers "cue and review" (you can
run the tape at faster-than-normal speed
and still hear what is on it by way of
getting quickly to the portion you want
to hear). The costlier 25-1 sports “soft-
touch” transport controls and a three-
position tape selector for normal, chrome
and metal tapes.

Some accessories have becn announced.
for expanding the capabilities of the
mini-stereo systems. One novel item is
an FM transmitter that may be attached
to Technidyne's Hip Pocket Stereo апа
will then broadcast the sound to any FM
receiver within 100 feet. In that way,
you become—in addition to a walking
concert hall—a walking radio station.
Less whimsical are the add-on speakers
for listening to your deck when you
finally come to a halt somewhere. In

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PLAYBOY

216

that particular regard, the Aspen sys
tem is of special interest—its larger-than-
typical cassette unit contains a miniature
“power amplifier” that can furnish up
to five watts per channel. On the other
hand, you can play the Technidyne
through external speakers with the aid
of an add-on separate amplifier.

For a trend as young as this one, the
icassette already has spawned some
intriguing variants. For instance, if you
want to record as well as listen in stereo,
there's the big-brother version of the
Sony Walkman, known as the 'TCS-300.
Developed originally as an on-the-spot

audio tool for newsmen and interview-
ers, it is now offered to the general
public. Similar versions have been an-

nounced by Aiwa and Technidyne.

If you want stereo on the move with-
out the need to carry cassettes, you can
use several of these systems for tuning
into stereo FM with the insertion of a
special FM cassette or module. Units
offering that option indude (so far)
the Toshiba Playtime, the Technidyne
Hip Pocket Stereo, the Alaron Rhap-
sody Sterco-to-Go, the Caprice Walk-A-
Rounds, the KLH Solo and the Infinity
Systems’ Infinity's Intimate Stereo. Prices
vary all over the lot, but you can get
idea of relative cost from the Infinity
system. The basic cassette unit costs $229;
the FM module, 5:

Yet another spin-off is the growing
spate of ministercophones from com-

panies not making the cassette systems.
‘The cassette units typically come with
one headset. Using two pairs of sterco-
phones from one cassette player carried
by one person presumes some kind of
real intimacy—on the move or not—but
that scems to be an intriguing extra-
musical aspect of the game. Anyw the
new miniheadsets come with a clever
gimmick—a plug adapter that lets you
connect the stercophones to the mini
cassette deck, or to the standard-size
socket on a conyentional deck or stereo
receiver. An early entry of that type wa
the Koss Sound soon to be fol-
lowed by the Audio-Technica Point 1
and the Beyer DT 302. The Audio-
Technica stercophones be fitted
with fluffy Eskimo ear mulfs for those
intrepid listeners who must have their
stereo in sleet or snow. There also are
three such headsets from Mura, a com-
pany that does not make the cassette
unit but does offer a carry it-with-you

stereo FM receiver—the Hi Stepper—
that is even smaller than the tape
cassettes.

s with conventional tape decks, the
minimodels that are higher-priced are
likely to have stur sport systems,
which means they will be less subject to
wow and flutter (which you hear as a
wavering of musical pitch), even when
you're in motion.
Walk on!

“We expect research
breakthroughs to continue, R.W., but I think
it's too early to provide a viable guesstimate as to
when we'll be able to begin manufacturing
lower-level employees.”

NEW RIGHT WAR MACHINE

(continued from page 116)
man who is supposed to be chairman of
one of his committees. It is through his
position on the Foreign Relations Com-
mittee that. Helms—and, by extension,
his security-cleared aides—has right and
access to this kind of classified infor-
ation. Because of the freewheeling
power he grants to his aides—who have
lunched or dined with the heads or
deputy heads of government in virtual-
authoritarian regime in Africa

“a shadow State Department.” Senator
William Proxmire says of him, “I hate
to compare anyone to my predecessor,
Joe McCarthy, but that sense, the
Buys a force unto himself. Jesse even
has his own foreign policy.”

It is no accident that both Carbaugh

and Lucier are graduates of the Strom
Thurmond school of Senate conspiracy.
‘Thurmond helped Helms build a staff of
superloyal, hard-core conservatives when
he arrived in Washington in 1972.
s the most important thing
in politics, Carbaugh when he re-
turns to breakfast from the telephone.
“Thurmond likes to have people loyal
to him placed all over the Senate.”

The loyalty works two ways. Because
the right-wingers give their aides so
much more leeway than is customary,
they must also back them up. One For-
eign Relations Committee staffer com-
baugh to Roy Coh
nc, "the Gold Dust
Twins ol the Fifties” who went all over
rope for McCarthy, looking for Com-
munists. These latter-day gold dusters
have yet to be called on the carpet by
Helms for even the most extreme be-
havior. “The great danger when working
on the Hill is getting out ahead of your
man," says the committee staffer. “Then
he has to cut you off at the knees and let
you go down the tubes. What Carbaugh
and Lucier have, which is very high cur-
rency on the Hill, is that in every cir-
cumstance, no matter how outrageous,
Helms will back them. her they are
his alter ego or he has such an affection
for them that he always backs them

.
xt we come to a critical cog in the
entire new-right network—the unelected,
ex-officio, paraparliamentary quartet of
Richard Viguerie, Howard Phillips, Ter-
1y Dolan and Paul Weyrich.

The new-right network is so small
that its chief publication, Viguerie’s
Conservative Digest, is the house organ
of the movement, ballyhooing birthday
parties (for Conservative Caucus ch
man Phillip) and housewarmings (for

h's new town houses) in full
ge photo spreads in its back pages.
Viguerie, a disillusioned far-right Gold-

vaterite who (legally) made off with the.

ng list in
ightist. He
to a mul-

Senator's consérvative m
1965, is the original new
catapulted а 12,500-name lis
timillion-dollar empire that today owns
lists containing 20,000,000 names and
4,500,000 contributors—which he expects
to doublc by the 1984 elections. Vigueric
is the progenitor of the hate-filled let-
ter of one-line paragraphs that keeps all
arright politicians financially afloat
with its fund-raising mailings.

Phillips is the burly former wrecking
ball of the Nixon Administration whose
chief contribution to political history
attempt to put the Office of

was hi
Economic Opportunity—Lyndon John-
son's poverty program—out of business
He felt he was double-crossed by White
House softliners, and so he became a
real right-winger.

“I went from being a carecrist to be-
ing a conservative," he says. He passed
with mixed success through various po-
litical incarnations (once declaring him-
self a Democrat and losing abysmally in
the Massachusetts Senatorial primary)
and came out the other end as a part-
time worker in Helmss Se office,
from which base he created the grass-
roots political-action agency he called
The Conservative Caucus.

Phillips also somehow survived the
metamorphosis from Jew to religious
fundamentalist. “I read the Bible every
day," he says. He is also the creator of
the predominantly Protesta
Roundtable 1 vehicle in bring-
ing the television evangelists into poli-
tics for the 1980 elections.

Dolan, mustachioed, handsome and
young. is the fast gun of the move
ment, With the help of Helms, Dolan
Iounded the National Conservative Po-
litical Action Committee (NCPAC, or
“пісрас"). located in Roslyn, Virginia,
just across the Potomac from George-
town, That is the outfit that target-
cd and helped defeat Senators George
McGovern, Birch Bayh, Frank Church
and John Culver—four staunch progres-
sives—in last years elections. Dolan
glories in negative campaigning and be
lieves the only services the Government
should provide are national defense and
mail delivery. He gladly admits to using
subliminal advertising techniques so
“there will be people voting against the
[liberal candidate] without remembering

The neg:
h [the voters] may not remember
why they are so upset.”

Dolan’s shameless sabotaging of the
American political process virtually
knows no bounds. He had no objection
when a former NCPAC member rc
an anti-McGovern poster show
South Dakota Senator at the ce
shooting target, the bull’s-eye
over his heart. “McGovern in the gun
sight; I don't sce anything wrong with
that,” he says disingenuously. “It was
not intended to mean you ought to

natoria

es will stick, al-

Younever forget
your firstGirl.

PLAYBOY

218

shoot McGovern." The poster was later
withdrawn because of public outcry.

"This extrapolitical network works like
Dolan creates the "hit lists" and
raises tons of money (57,600,000 in 1980)
with Viguerie's mailing lists, throwing
the funds into the critical elections more
to knock off liberals than to replace
them with conservative heavyweights.

Phillips then creates chapters of The
Cons e Caucus in every state and
in most Congressional districts. The Cau-
cus coughs up the potential cam:
to run for the posts then occupied by
liberals. For example, Phillips chose an
unreconstructed if relocated Georgian,
Meldrim Thomson, to run for the gov-
ernorship of New Hampshire. Thomson
won. And so did Gordon Humphrey, a
lightweight but good looking airline pi
lot who showed up at one meeting and
was chosen to run for the Senate from
New Hampshire,

Weyrich is the new-right network's
great coordinator, manipulator and
trainer. He calls himself a "political me-
chanic" Under his aegis, for instance,
some 100 conservative single-interest
groups meet weekly in one of three
gatherings that hear reports, share in-
formation and plan a unified strategy.
The nine-year-old Kingston Group has
more than 50 participants, always i
cluding a representative irom Helms's
office, and meets on Fridays to discuss
economic and institutional issues. The
Library Court group meets on alternate
Thursdays under the direction of Wey-
rich's right-hand woman on the pro
family issues, Connie Marshner. The
Stanton Group, chaired personally by
Weyrich, meets on the other Thursdays
to deal with defense issues (Helms sends
two representatives to that meeting).

Finally, there is a luncheon every
other Monday at the Key Bridge Marriott
Hotel—just outside the godless capital
but only a short walk from Terry Dolan's
office. The purpose of the gettogether
is to have a kind of "candidates gang
bang,” as one participant puts it—the

planning of election strategy. That meet-
ing is run by Morton Blackwell, whose
real job offers chilling proof of just how
influential the new-right network has be-
come: Blackwell is a special assistant in
Reagan's White House.

But on the far right, all roads lead
back to Jesse Helms. “Helms was directly
or indirectly responsible for the found-
ing of half the conservative groups in
America,” admits Dola

He ought to know: It was Helms who,
in 1975, gave Dolan his first blessing and
the initial scare-propaganda fund-rais-
ing letter that made NCPAC possible.
Carbaugh claims to have invented both
NCPAC and The Conser © Caucus
in Helms's office, not to mention
other nonprofit foundations he and othe
Helms henchmen have founded around
Washington for “educational” purposes.
They are actually heavily involved in
political education; one of the fou
ns exists to pay lor Helms's junk
to such authoritarian countries as Chile,
Uruguay and Taiwan; he refuses to
travel with the Foreign Relations Com-
mittee, then brags about not spending
taxpayers’ mone

But Helms's most pow
the least known: The Congressional
Club. Originally founded in Raleigh,
North Carolina, to retire Helms's 1972
campaign debt, The Congressional Club.
1 politic
machine in America. It identifies voter
ises funds, chooses candidates, runs
ampaigns and aids other conservatives.
It is to national politics what the Daley

nachine was to Chicago and Tammany
Hall was to New York City. It rests on
the conservative charisma of one m:
it. opened

rful creation is

has become the first mation.

the 1980
Elections Commission report
$7,870,000 raised, it
alaction comm
than NCPAC,

Federal
showed that with

was the largest. pol
tec in the country—

inal PAC), larger than big oil and big
chemicals and big anything else. One of
its spin-offs single-handedly raised a re-
markable $4,600,000 for the election of
Reagan. Helms personally campaigned
for Reagan and other conservative can-
didates in 22 states, often carrying in his
inside coat pocket a check from The
Congressional Club. “He came and

spoke for me in Idaho,” remembers
freshman Senator Steve Symms. “Then
he handed me a $1000 check and said he
had to fly home that night so he could
teach Sunday school the next morning

т!

guiding genius behind The Con-
gressional Club and the Helms political
phenomenon is Thomas F. Ellis. an
attorney who cheerfully puffs a pipe in
his Raleigh office beneath the litho-
graphed gaze of Robert E. Lee (“the
man I admire most in history”). Several
tiny Confederate battle flags stand in the
office window. Ellis was once exposed as
a director of the Pioneer Fund, created
to conduct research into the genetic in-
feriority of blacks. It was he who talked
Helms into running for the Senate in
1972 and managed a campaign that was
a study in subtle negativism, successfully
identifying the Democratic opponent
with McGovern and reminding xenopho-
bic Southern voters of his Greek immi-
з. It was Ellis who saved
ans political life after he suffered
two bad primary losses in 1976; Ellis put
together а hard-hitting 30-minute televi-
sion show, turned the Panama Canal
treaties into the chief boogeyman of
gn and pulled off an
upset in the North Carolina primary.
Reagan stayed in politic:

It was also Ellis who invited
mail wizard Viguerie into. North €
ina in 1978, where they raised $7,200,000
for Helms's ection—to this day, the
most ever spent on a Senate race in U. S.
history. It was Ellis, as chairman of the
club, who decided to pirate Viguerie's
techniques, set up own computers
and letter printers and go national.

Today The Congressional Club has a
bank of more than 2,000,000 names and
a stunning list of 300,000 reliable con
tributors, most from outside North Car-
olina. It was with that arsenal that Ellis
was then able to take an unknown small-
college professor named John East and
turn him into a U. S. Senator last year.

Ellis is the ultimate television maven.
He sees no need for any further contact
between the candidate and the people.

1 would have told Reagan to take that
$29,000,000 [in Federal election funds},
spend $28,000,000 on television and go

sct-
»

out to the ranch for a rest," he says. "No
need to run around the country letting
the préss take shots at him." Of com-

plaints that East's campaign was con-
ducted so exclusively on television that
few North Carolinians knew the di-
date was in a wheelchair, Ellis said,

“You go out and run around shopping
centers and you wear yourself out.

Ellis believes not only in television
but in negative campaigning as well.
The East commercials told virtually
nothing about East except that he was a
"good, decent Christian"; they concen-
trated instead on attacking the incum-
bent Democrat, Robert Morgan, for his
votes on the Panama Canal and aid to
Nicaragua, positions Morgan claims were
grossly distorted. "If any clection was

who had plenty of time to
sion las You tell a big lie often
enough and loud enough, and people
will believe it" The East campaign
spent nearly $2,000,000, most of it on
television. "He was on everywhere,"
says the journalist.

What kes all this important and
frighten: is that it is the wave of the
right-wing future. Helms and Ellis have
been calling more and more of the shots
within the movement. Most observers’
view of history is so short that they con-
ceive of Dolan—whose first success was
in 1976—as the original negative-cam-
paigning dirty trickster. Ellis and Helms
were successful at it in а 1950 campaign
widely г ded as the dirtiest in modern
North Carol history. ‘The Congres-
sional Club will be all over the political
landscape in 1982; more so in 1984,
when, among others, Helms will be up
for reelection. By then, he may have
beco entrenched national
figure that even so attractive a Democrat
as North Carolina governor James Hunt,
who won re-clection last ycar with 62
percent of the vote, will be unable to
unscat him.

е such an

What Helms and his men have
effectively done is to organize a third
party—the Conservative Party—despite
disclaimers to the contrary. They

have introduced into American politics
the parliamentary style of Europe, where
party cohesion is the governing princi.
ple. The Conservative Party functions
as 2 team, not a debating society. But
when you share the boogeyman approach
to national life, you never have to be
specific about the details, and therefore
you never have much to quibble about.

Conservatism has become a kind of
substitute religion in this country, and
n that there is a clo: mblance be-
tween the fana far rightist and the
convinced Communi Each believes in
party discipline. Each believes that his
way—not to mention his method—is
ordained by God or natural law. And
each believes that he will prevail.

"To an extent, we are like Com-
munists in thi lows Weyrich. “The
new els victory is inevitable.”

FREEDOM FIGHTERS

(continued from page 100)
Ohio Republican John Ashbrook to pro-
hibit student fees from contributing to
healu-service funds to pay for abortions
at educational institutions. It passed by
a vote of 257-149 on July 11, 1979, and
was later removed in a compromi
Equal Rights Amendment: This joint
resolution extended until June 30, 198:
the period for states to ratify E.R.A. In
the seven years originally allowed,
E.R.A. supporters had failed to get the
approval of legislatures in the 38 states
required. Some opposed the measure on
grounds that seven years were enough;
others, on antifeminist grounds. A pro-
freedom vote was for extending time for
ER.A, which would prohibit discrimi
nation on the basis of sex. It passed by
à vote of 60-36 in the Senate on Octo-
ber 6, 1978, and by 233-189 in the
House on August 15.
School prayers: This was a Helms

amendment to bring prayer back to
public schools by ending Federal court
jurisdiction in school-prayer cases. Sup-
porters felt the Federal Government had
no business telling local school districts
that they couldn't have prayers in their
schools. But it was an antifreedom posi-
tion, because the Federal role here is
to prevent local governments from tell-
ing children that they should pray, or
to whom, or how. or when. Helms's
amendment was adopted in the Senate,
51-40, on April 9, 1979. A House amend-
ment by Pennsylvania Republican Rob-
ert Walker to make it a purpose of the
U.S. Department of Education to per-
yer in public schools wa
on June 11, 1979.
Neither effort survived the House/Senate
compromises to become law, but a lot of
members got a chance to go on record
as favoring prayer

Sex education: Each year, roughly
1,100,000 American teenagers become
pregnant. Half give birth, and half the

mit daily pra

“Have you ever noliced how natural disasters
tend to bring people together?”

219

PLAYBOY

220

births are out of wedlock. Another
434,000 opt for abortion, and the rest
have miscarriages. According to the U. S.
Center for Disease Control, teenagers
15-19 are more likely to get venereal
disease than adults 25-29. As part of a
broad gencral education to equip young-
sters to cope with this world, most
schools teach sex-education courses.
Helms felt that sex education interfered
with parents’ rights to raise their chil-
dren as they wish, so he sought to re-
quire schools getting Federal funds to
obtain parental approval and allow all
parents to review all course materials
before providing sex-education courses.
A vote against Helms's amendment was
prolrecdom, because the rights of stu-
dents to know the facts of life supersede
the rights of parents to raise them in ig-
norance. Helms's amendment failed, 16-
73. on April 30, 1979. A comparable
House vote was the 163-255 defeat of a
motion to prohibit Medicaid, birth-con-
trol counscling and services to minors
without pare:

Institutionalized persons: On February
28, 1980, by a vote of 55-36, the Senate
passed a bill to give the Justice Depart-
ment authority to sue states on behalf
of persons institutionalized in state fa-
s for the mentally ill, disabled or
retarded, or persons in jails, prisons or
juvenile-de facilities. It allows
Justice to act only on behalf of inmates

al consent.

ntion

subjected to "egregious or flagrant con-
ditions” that are “willful or wanton” or
the result of “gross neglect.” Opponents
such as Strom Thurmond felt the bill
intruded into states’ rights. We consider
the bill profreedom, because we believe
no human being should be subjected to
the dehumanization that goes on in the
worst of state institutions. Even Utah's
right-wing Republican Orrin Hatch said,
“I really believe this is the only way to
solve problems that have gone on for
years and years.” It passed in the House
by a 342-62 margin оп May 23, 1979.

Death penalty: On June 18, 1980, the
Senate defeated a motion by Ohio Dem-
ocrat How Metzenbaum to table a
Helms amendment to the
death penalty for Federal crime:
freedom vote was against the de:
alty. Helmss amendment was later
dropped in a compromise, and there
was no House vote on the issue.

Votir lus: The Voting Rights Act
of 1965 finally gave meaning to the Mth
and 15th amendments, granting equal
rights of citizenship to all Americans.
The act prohibited states from using

reinstitute

literacy tests or other means of dis
a ing against minorities in voting,

and it required jurisdictions found to
have discriminated in the past to sub-
mit to the Justice Department. plans for
changes in their election. procedures.
When the act came up for extension in

a key Senate vote was on a motion
to table an amendment by Georgia Dem-
ocrat Herman Talmadge to require all
states, instead of only those states guilty
of past discrimination, to submit pro-
posed clection-law changes to Justice.
That would effectively have crippled cn-
forcement, because Justice Department
lawyers wouldn't be able to concentrate
on those areas with a history of racial
discrimination. A vote to kill the amend-
ment was a profreedom vote, because
the right of the individual to vote is
more important than the right of the
state to discriminate. The motion to
table was agreed to, 45-38. In the House,
the vote chosen was final passage.

Last December, the Sen-
ate tried to pass a bill—the Fair Hous-
ing Act—allowing the Department of
Housing and Urban Development to sue
those who discriminate in sale or rental
of housing. But Republicans filibustered.
The key vote came on a motion by for-
mer Majority Leader Robert Byrd to in-
voke cloture (end debate). Byrd's motion
failed. A vote to pass the Fair Housing
Act was profreedom, because the rights
of people to live wherever they can al-
ford to supercede the rights of landlords
and developers to discriminate in the
housing market place. In the House, the
key vote came on a compromise amend-
ment by Oklahoma Democrat Mike
Synar that made the bill less objection-

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able to real-estate interests but still pro-
vided for Federal enforcement of civil
rights in housing. Foes of freedom op-
posed the Synar amendment, because the
compromise made passage of a meaning-
ful bill possible. It squeaked by, 205-204,
on June 11, 1980.

y rights: Larry McDonald intro-
duced this amendment in the House on
July 22, 1980, to prohibit Federal tunds
from being used "to provide legal assist-
ance in promoting, assisting or defend-
ing homosexuality.” It failed on a voice
vote, but when McDonald insisted on a
rollcall vote, the House hypocrites
nong them Bob Bauman of Maryland,
defeated for re-election in November
largely because of disclosure of his “ho-
mosexual tendencies") voted for it, 290—
113. A vote for this amendment was a
against frcedom, because Federal
aid to citizens shouldn't be denicd
on the basis of their sexual preference.
No comparable vote was taken in the

The most repressive Senators were
chosen by analyzing the votes of the 87
incumbent Senators elected to the last
Congress. Ex-Representatives now in the
Senate were rated on their votes on
comparable House issues. The 13 fresh-
men with no prior House records were
not rated.

To put our list in perspective, you

should know that, on average, the 87
Senators voted profreedom 50.8 percent
of the time and cast 492 percent of
their votes against individual liberty on.
those issues. The 17 Senators who made
our list are those who voted against
freedom on every ksue, or on all but
one issue. The list includes four Demo-
crats and 13 Republicans.

In the House, 20 members voted
against freedom on every issue. The
issues were comparable to those in
the Senate, except that no House vote
was taken on the death penalty and the
House did vote on gay rights. The 90
foes of freedom in the House include six
Democrats and 14 Republicans.

Some of Congress’ bestknown oppo:
nents of individual liberty aren't listed
here, because a single profreedom vote
in the House or two profreedom votes in
the Senate were enough to keep a mem-
ber off the list. For example, Illinois Re-
publican Henry Hyde, perhaps the most
persistent antagonist of abortion rights
in the House, and ifornia Republi-
can Robert Dornan, who may be Capi
tol most vociferous opponent of
a woman's right to control her own body,
did not make the cut. Hyde voted for
the Voting Rights Act, for the rights of
institutionalized persons and for the
domesticviolence bill. Dornan, who of
late has been scouring Hollywood for
evidence of drug abuse among the stars,

ainst the draft and for the bill
to protect people in institutions. Both
voted against personal freedom on every
other issue.

In the Senate, Orrin Hatch is con-
sidered a prominent foe of the civil
rights of the common man. But he voted
against the draft and for the bill to allow
Federal intervention on behalf of tor-
mented people in state institutions, so
he didn't make the list. It's possible that
Steve Symms or Barry Goldwater might
not have been listed had they been pres-
ent for more of the key votes. But each
missed four votes and cast the rest of his
votes on the side of repression.

Finally, we should point out that the
11 votes presented here are but a frac-
tion of those cast by each member. All
e floor votes and, as such, don't reflect
a members leadership in developing
compromises or pushing legislation in
committee or behind the scenes.

Many of these votes involve extrane-
ous issues, and a single antifreedom vote
shouldn't be interpreted as a general
bias for repression. But when
tors or Congressmen consistently vote
inst individual rights on a varicty
of issues as broad as the ones selected
for this rating, it docs seem a pretty
fair indication that they are enthusiastic
foes of individual frecdom—and have
earned their right to be listed here.

THE MOST REPRESSIVE

o
LJ
LEADERS IN CONGRESS &
9 a uu dea
HOUSE eg
Ф A profreedom vote, ог “р or announced position John Ashbrook (O of 10)
(Senators sometimes announce their positions but do not Robert Badham (0 of 9)
vete, or they pair for" or “pair against” an issue; that Dick Cheney (0 of 8)
is, agree with an opposing Senator not to vote, so both Dan Daniel (0 of 9)
can be technically absent] аата d
E Ne. Р. Robert Daniel, Jr. (О of 11)
e An antifreedom vote, or "pair," or announced position William Dannemeyer (0 of 9)
@ = Absent, or not voting, or voting “present” with no Phil Gramm (O of 8)
announced position Jim Jeffries (0 of 9)
O = Notyet in Congress when vote was taken Ken Kramer (0 of 9)
` J. Marvin Leath (0 of 8)
* = Not yet in the Senate when vote was taken, but the Robert L (0 of 10)
Senator is a former House member whose House vote on орет uing ion а
the comparable issue is noted here Tom Loeffler (0 of 9)
Larry McDonald (0 of 11)
Source: Congressional Quarterly Sonny Montgomery (O of 11)
Eldon Rudd (0 of 9)
In the House, 20 members voted against freedom Norman Shumway (0 of 9)
on every issue. The issues were comparable to those Bud Shuster (0 of 10)
in the Senate, except that no House vote was taken Floyd Spence (0 of 11)
on the death penalty and the House did vote on Charles Stenholm (0 of 9)
goy rights. i Paul Trible, Jr. (0 of 9)

221

222

SHED YOUR

INHIBITIONS
A new game called Musical
Clothes is essentially like
musical chairs, except that
the players feverishly pass
their duds instead of fran-
tically looking for a place
to sit—and a spinner and
draw cards have been
introduced. Jf the idea
of trading clothes with
your friends and ncighbors
Jeaves you hot and not
bothered, send $9.25 to
Visions, P.O. Box 2172,
Seattle, Washington 98111,
and you'll get every-
thing you need for a wild
and crazy night. Of
course, the winner is the
last person left with any
dothes on. Warning: If
your game is like the
ones we've played, have
a stepladder handy to
help retrieve undies from
the chandelier.

LIVE! IT’S JUKE BOX SATURDAY NIGHT!
Chicago's Old Town district may have seen better days, but it hasn't
seen any better gallimaufry of jukeboxes, carrousel horses, vintage slot
machines, arcade devices and other miscellany than what's for sale at a
temple of curiosa called Juke Box Saturday Night, 1552 North Wells,
Chicago, Ilinois 60610. Wheeler-dealer owner Steve Schussler publishes
a brochure (available for $1) of the outrageous stuff he's willing to
part with. Today's stopper: a rewired 1930 traffic light for only $300.

PLAYBOY POTPOURRI

people, places, objects and events of interest or amusement

OLD NO. 7 RIDES AGAIN
British racing buffs with $96 burning a
hole in their pocket may wish to
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DOING THE DIRTY DEED
“A hyena in swine’s clothes" is how one
reader described George Hayduke, the
author of Get Even: The Complete Book
of Dirty Tricks, published last усаг
by Paladin Press (P.O. Box 1307,
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Tor $11.95, postpaid. Pornographic donor
plates pasted in publiclibrary volumes.
Slow-setting rubber cement in overshocs.
Paladin says the book is "intended.
for entertainment purposes." Oh, yeah.

TOOTHBRUSH,
ANYONE?

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different sentimentless note
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Some are romantic, some are
sexy and some are a little off
the wall—just like you.

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(continued from page 120)

responsible for what had to be an un-
pleasant experience for poor Grace."

"Daddy! You're just going to have to

listen to me!”

"OK," said Reinhart. "Lm sorry,

I didn't realize—uh, go ahead

She stared at him for a while. Had he
not known better, he might have be.
lieved her emotion to be self-righteous.
ness: something he had never detected
in Winona in all her life

"Dad, I did not first meet Grace
Greenwood in this apartment,"

"You didn't?" Reinhart had a premo:
nition that he should be seated.

“The fact is, I know her pretty well

you see.
“1 see,” said Reinh
His dai gr . “But Т don't

think you do, really Anyway. that's
why we acted so funny.

“Why couldn't you have just admitted
that you knew each othe

"Oh, Dad * Winona took her
hands away from her damask checks. It
had more than once occurred to Rein-
hart, looking at her, that his daughter
might singlehandedly inspire all the
principal clichés that were applied to
beauty: peaches and cream, silken, vel
vet, and so on. “Daddy, it's how we've
known each other.”

Reinhart looked toward the windows
and enjoyed the glistening floor between
the shag rugs: He had himself put chat
shine on the parquet, with real wax and
a rented buffer from the True Value
hardware store

“We've been close friends for a while,”
Winona went on, biting her underlip.
“I didn't quite know how to approach
the subject with you, so she had the
bright idea of meeting you as if by
accident."

“But what was all the skulduggery
about? Why should I object to your be
ing friends with a bright, successful and
prosperous woman like
id Winona,
ze, of sharing an а
' Reinhart
ed. “My gosh. That is some idea. You
little matchmaker, you. Were you an-
ticipating that Grace and I would get
married, or would it be some up-to-date
living in sin? He was pretending to
be in robust good humor, while all the
time feeling a looseness at the core,

Winona was softly weeping. "Well,
that was the reason, anyway.

The reason for what, darling?” Rein
hart’s own eyes were moist. You could

е3
here w
artment.”

most shout-

not call a life a failure when you pro.
duced a child like this.
The reason why we broke up, Daddy

Grace says she can't go on unless we live

TERCER TORO

“That's what I like about you, Peier—even with jet lag, you
can still go around the world one more time!”

together, Daddy,” she said, “how could 1
ever leave you?”

Smiling with all the saintliness he
could contrive, Reinhart did not hear
the question. He was wondering how
long he could conceal from this precious
person, whom he loved with all his he
that she would be the death of him.
.

hart soon admitted to
himself that he was exaggerating in his
inner sense of high tragedy. For опе,
nobody had expired of shame in a воой
century. Then, sexual deviation had not
regarded by the enlightened as a
i at least the Fifth Gentury
n our time even the mobile

Of course, Ri

(Good heavens, must he somed:
as Winona and Grace Greenwood
marched by?)
He was brooding on those matters as
he cleaned up the dining room after the
brunch that had never been consum-
mated. Winona had lelt.
By the time he had finished the kitch-
en cleanup, Grace had surely reached
home, il, indeed, that had been her des
П . Hc went to his bedroom, sat
down on the bed and lifted the phone
from the adjacent table. He was amazed
to discover that without trying, he had
learned Grace's number by heart. He
had high hopes of some sort.
Imagine being cut out, with a woman,
by your own daughter!

1 the dial.
ce answered, “I’m sor-
. but I guess
un ble,
I assure you, just one of those tl

ng:

and shouldn't be taken as a reflection
on yourself. You're a fine fellow.
Reinhart marveled. She was in total

command, without a weakness or a
doubt. On the other nd, own sit.
if judged according to relative
degrees of power, had changed.

"Well, се, I might say the same
for you! I just regret that you went
out a meal,
Grace grunted almost rudely. He sus
pected the regrets were all his own. But
she spoke in a bright voice: “Listen,
l, not even Winnie knows about thi

m bif «d lil ally am
interested in you."

Fe n instant, Reinhart did not at
tend to hı ning. But then he be
е aware of a new and even more
y clement in the we n. She
Мау confessing 16 be bisexual? $
€ on both father
Was he expected to be toler
well?

e laughed curtly. “Head and
she said. "I'm always the busi-

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was the bifurcation:
Grace said, “Mind giving me your

He cleared his throat. "I'm not sure
what you're talking about, Grace.

“This cooking of yours. Where were
you trained

Could he have heard her correctly? No
one ever wanted to hear him on his
favorite subject.

“Well,” said he, swinging himself from
a seat to a luxurious fulllength stretch
on the bed, "I have never taken a lesson
in cookery. Y . when I was first
married. I'd do a turn in the kitchen
and maybe take one of those recipes off
a can of something. Then-

"Carl" Grace interrupted, “my idea
was not to take you from grilled cheese
to gourmet grub with all the steps be-
tween. The point is, you seem pretty

ble about the subject. How:
said Reinhart, "and

ome p e said imp:

tiently, “I'm in e: А ell you why
in a minute, but first 1 want your story,
as precise as you can make it. >

Reinhart might have taken umbrage
at her manner (wherc'd she get off, being
о high and mighty, now?) had the sub:
ject not been that w

est to him.

be learned easily enough, some of them
on the TV cooking shows and others
from boo

“Uh-huh,” said Grace. “And you've

worked at home? You haven't

a restaurant;

Ive never even thought of
doing amy professional work. I really
cook for the love of it—and I use the
word advisedly. Winona"—for a moment
he had forgotten the situation; now he
felt strange about pronouncing the па
to her friend—'my daughter
touches her meals.”

зап, none of that serves my point,”

'm not interested

ersonal here, but rather in the

You know Epicon, my firm.

expanding in the gourmet arc

It’s my theory that we're missing some

big bucks unless we reach the people

who eat fancy food. That's no small

t rl Let's talk turki If Win

moves in with me, where does that leave

you? You told me you haven't had a
business in some years, or a job.

By your account, I sound suspicious
ly like a bum,” he said with more wiy-
ness than repro:

Come on, Carl," said Grace, jollying
him in a coarse fashion, "self-pity's not
your game, old boy!"

What a grating woman! Why could
not Winona have chosen. . But at 51,
he should be done with asking questions
of fate

“The fact is that for many years it was

You'll like to enjoy a
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May we suggest
a six-pack of Grolsch:

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PLAYBOY

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my only game," said he, "but you're
right about the ‘old boy.”

Grace said, “You're jumping the gun
by a long shot in this day and age. But
I didn't want to talk about dreary mat-
ters, believe me! Everything's going to
work out beautifully. Now, here's my
proposition.” In a supreme effort toward
charm, which with men, anyway, would
not seem to be easily available to her,
Grace said, "And if you don't take it, I'll
spit in your eye.” Trouble was, she
sounded as if she well might.

“You may fire when you are ready,
Gridley,” said Reinhart, reverting to a
time even before his own for this quota-
tion, a favorite of his father’s, who, how-
ever, always corrupted it in one way or
another and sometimes combined it with
“the whites of their eyes.”

“I don't know whether you've no-
ticed,” said Grace, "the existing gourmet
shelves in your typical supermarket don't
get much traffic and, in fact, in some
stores are downright scedy-looking. And
this in the face of the greater-than-ever
interest in the aforementioned gourmet
cooking. Why? The simple rcason is that
the public is not aware of these products."

“That's not true at all," said Rein-
hart. With anyone else, he would have
felt he was being rude, but, obviously,
Grace was immune. “A lot of that stuff
is absolute crap! Why buy ready-made
sauces, like hollandaise and Béarnaise,
when they're inferior yet expensive as
hell and when, furthermore, they're

e easy to prepare from fresh mate-

OK!” she cried merrily. "I'm not de-
bating with you, pal. I want to hire you.”

“Hire me?"

“You heard it!” said Grace. “Let me
sketch it out. I'm convinced that all it
would take to get some real action with
the gourmet products would be to high-
light them with personal demonstrations.
Picture this, Carl: You're in professional
apron and big white hat, stainless-steel
table on wheels, with whatever imple-
ments, gadgets you need, hot plates, ctc.,
preparing dishes that would make use of
the products we distribute. Huh?”

“You're not joking, are you, Gi

She spoke in brisk reproach: “C
wouldn't have time.

“This is so sudden,” he said. “I really
do have to think it over. . . . But look
here, I'm grateful to you for thinking of
me!" He thanked her again and hung
up. Hé would not go so far as to say
anything about sccing her around with

се?”
rl, I

art left his room. Ah, Winona
had returned. Her keys and change
purse lay on the little foyer table, and
he could smell a flower scent. He called
her name.

After a long moment, her closed bed-
room door opened a crack. “Daddy?”

~The very man,” said Reinhart

something to ca
‚ I don't think I can," Winona
said. opening the door sufficiently wide
to display her head. She looked carc-
fully at him. “Grace told me about the
job. Dad, 1 hope you know I wouldn't
say this if I thought it wouldn't be good
for you: I really want you to take it.
And if you think she got the idea to
please me or something, you're wrong.
She was already looking for somebody
who would fill the bill. When she heard
about you, she was interested, but she
as really sold by meeting you and
seeing for herself that you have a mar-
velous personality. You're just the kind
of person who can charm the pants off
those housewives.”

Reinhart felt himself blush. The image
was almost indecent for a man of his
years—and also exciting, of course. But
that his daughter should conjure it up
was unsettling, even
self. . . . He asked himself a wretched
question: Was she now exempt from the
usual rules that governed the association
of daughter and father?

“Yes,” he said sardonically, “I'm no-
torious for driving women wild. Your
mother could tell you that.”

“Oh.” said Winona, “by the way,
Mothers back in town." She ran her
fingers along the lapels of her terrycloth
robe, as if this were information that he
could accept casually.

There were days on which one was
hit with everything at once.

“Has she got in touch with you?"

“Blaine told me."

"You know I can't decently dis-
cuss your mother with either you or
Blaine. . . .” He went into the kitchen
but turned in the doorway. “If she's
"back in town,’ then it's more than a
visit?"

“I don't know. That's all he sa
were talking about other subjects.

Reinhart said, "I really shouldn't say
much about Blaine, either, Winona, but
I hope you're not too hurt if he isn't all
a brother should be."

"Funny you say that now. He's nicer
these days than he has ever been in all
my life! I don't like to be cynical, but
I do wonder if that’s because of his
trouble."

“Troub!

She raised her hands. “I
have said that. He asked me not to. Gi

“Better go the rest of the way, dear,
as long as I know there's something I'm
not supposed to know.”

“Mercer has left him. She simply took
off.”

though she her-

id. We

shouldn'!

d, how rotten for him.” Reinhart
made a doleful sound. "Your mother
has come to look after the kids, then? I
hope they get fed properly." Genevieve
was an even viler cook, when she dcigned.
to prepare food at all, than his late
mother, whose only culinary technique

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PLAYBOY

230

had been frying to ash. Indeed, it had
been the combination of those two wom-
en, between whom he had spent more
than four decades, that had driven him
into the kitchen.

Reinhart had been outfitted with a
long two-tiered white-enamel table on
wheels. On one level or another were im-
plements of the batterie de cuisine: cop-
per chafing dish, virgin pots and pans
in stainless steel, а two-ring hot plate,
a food processor, a portable mixer and
various smaller tools, including that
manually operated essential, the long-
handled wooden spoon, invented no
doubt by the original cave chef for the
stirring of aurochs-tail soup.

This unit was placed in the most
remote corner of the Top Shop Super-
market, the check-outs being diametr
cally in the ultimate southwest. But the
n elongated, even stringy sort

of man with a chin that suggested
herent aggrievement,

sisted that no
other position was available.

It was obvious that Mr. DePau cared
little for the project, which he tolerated
only because of Grace Greenwood’s ar-
rangements with a higher authority in
the Top Shop chain.
ankly,” he said to Reinhart on the
latter's val that morning, before the
store was open to the public, "the gour-
met shelf does not move, and it is my
contention that it won't.

Reinhart had yet to don his apron and
the billowing chef's hat that Grace
Greenwood had insisted he wear. It had
been Grace’s only prima-facie require-
ment. He had been on his own as to
which of the "gourmet" products
tibuted by Epicon he would choose
for demonstration.

After some deliberation, he had cho-
sen crepes suzette: a name known to
all as the quintessence of gourmetism, a
dish that was simplicity itself to prepare
and a demonstration that could be given
a dramatic character, for attracting an
audience was the purpose of his job. The
particular stimulus for his choice was an
icon-distributed product called Mon
Paris Instant Crepe Suzette Mix: a pack-
ning two envelopes. the larger
of which held sufficient powder, when
added to a cup of milk, to make a
dozen six-inch dessert crepes; the orange-
colored dust in the smaller envelope,
т mashed into softened butter, be-
me the sauce in which the erepes were
to be bathed.

When tested by Reinhart in his home
kitchen, the mixture had yielded rubbery
pancakes on the one hand and. on the
other, a sauce the predominant flavor of
which was markedly chemical, though it
was obviously intended to be orange. He
prepared several batches of crepes, and
a number of bowls of sauce, each with
another variation of the recipe, but no
effort could alter the truth that the prod-

age cont

“We're just browsing.”

uct was simply inferior as food and, at
$4.75, a swindle as an item of trade,
since aside from the chemicals, the pack-
ages contained, respectively, only flour
and sugar.

At an earlier time of life, Reinhart
would probably have presented these
bald facts to the appropriate authority
but he was by now sufficiently seasoned
to understand that a person like Grace
Greenwood had not attained her success
n the food business by a devotion to
the principles of either nourishment or
serious gastronomy. What he determined
to do then was to make his own mix
ture, from the authentic materials, of
course, the juice and peel of fresh
oranges, orange liqueur and cognac.

Now back at his demonstration k
en, he assembled the w matel
His colleague, Helen Clayton, was ar-
ranging her pitchwoman's table. She
was a robust person in what might be
as late as her early 40s or as early as
her late 30s, with a coloring of the type
he liked least (sandy-red of hair, pale
in) and a sell-possessed, even slightly
ile manner.

Earlier in his life, this was the type
of woman who would have caused him
most discomfiture, and perhaps he would
naively have believed her seemingly
otherwise unmotivated resentment to be
caused by a lesbian leani But now it
seemed likely that matters of relative
power, not sex, were in question. Which
of them was to be boss? It would be
difficult for him to reassure her without
being despised for his pains.

When Helen had restacked her little
boxes of Instant Crepe Surette Mix, he

asked, “How should we go about this?
She raised her eyes but not her face.
"Huh?"

He spoke with a certain breeziness of
voice: Obsequiousness would not be the
note to strike.

She was no warmer as yet. “How long
will it take you to make those things?”

"A few minutes, once the batter's
ready and the skillers hot. I mean the
crepes themselves. Then to sauce them,

only a minute or so more
Helen winced. "You don’t have a
stack already made
"I thought of doing that,” said Rein-

hart, "but the suzetting isn't all that
nuch, just swishing them around in the
sauce a moment or two and then folding
them in quarters. Of course, the flaming
adds drama. But J thought the demon-
stration would have more interest if I
started from scratch, more or less.”

Helen peered at his worktable and
then at him. "You're not going to use
the packaged sauce mix?’

“Uh, no.”
Her eyes were fixed on his mouth. Her
own lips were threatening to—yes,

definitely—to smile. "You've got a lot of
nerve

Now he smiled in return. "You dis-
approve?"

She laughed outright. “It’s not my
affair, is it?"

But why was it so funny? Fi
asked.

"I don't know," said Helen. She lifted
one of the little boxes of instant mix
and snorted. "Have you tried these?”

XA CU

She protruded her lips and pro:
nounced, silently, "Ai?"

He nodded. “I suppose I'm being dis
honest:

"Not unless we say you're using the
mix," Helen said quickly. "But, look,
this can be to our advantage. You show
the real way to make the sauce. The
crepes will be terrific, and those are the
ones they'll taste samples of, right? Then
ГЇЇ say something like, “Well, that’s the
long way. If you want to do it the short
way, here's the instant mix!’ "

She had lost her coolness. They were
coconspirators now. She was really quite
a nicelooking woman, tall and full-
bosomed.

“Yes, I guess that's fair enough,” said
he. “Makes me feel better, anyway. I
hate to be dishonest about food: but,
on the other hand, I don't like the idea
of cooking anything that's lousy, merely
so as to be honest.”

Helen shrugged and said with a pout,

ГИ tell you, I myself don't care. I like
simple food. Anything fancy makes me
sick to the stomach."

There were those who would
admittance to heaven with
formidable credentials than a lifelong
record of eating beef and potatoes.

“Do you like to cook?”

“Hate it id Helen. “Of course, we
eat a lot of take-out. I can't do this all
day and then go home and cook much
at night.”

ly, he

seck
no more

? You and your husband?"
Helen leaned toward him,
as if to sh confidence: he sensed
that she might have dug him in the ribs
had he been close enough. "You didn't
think I was one of them, did you?

“Them?” The question was altogether
honest

Once again she made her lips promi-
nent and silently mouthed a word, It
was lesbian

Reinhart averted his face. “No,” he
said, “certainly not.” He had not yet had
time to think of this phase of coping
with the problem of Winona: He had
first to deal with it himself

In unwitting cruelty, Helen persisted.
“Did you know she was? Grace, I mean."

He mumbled, “I guess so. But I don't
much care" He tried to keep from
sounding the defiant note-

“Tve always kept away from them.
They make me feel creepy. But Grace is

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PLAYBOY П
232 L

all right to work for. Гуе done a number
of jobs for Epicon, usually through her,
and she's always been a perfect lady with
me.” Helen laughed coarsely. “But then,
I doubt Fm her type. She likes them
skinny, and she likes them young. You
should see her present friend. My God,
shes positively beautiful. I've seen her
call for Grace after work in her car. I've
seen ——"

"Madam," Reinhart desperately called
to the young woman, though she was still
remote and was at the very moment
bending low to poke into a frozen-food
compartment, “would you like a crepe
suzette?'

Futile as this was, practicall
the woman could not hear hi it did
serve to distract Helen from her theme.

She said in an undertone, “That's sup-
posed to be my job.

“Sorry,” said Reinhart.
ginner's nerves.”

“Aw, you'll be just fine.” She con-
red him a buddy now.

All of a sudden, customers appeared in
bulk. As he mixed his batter and poured
his crepes one by one and turned
them, stacked them when finished be-
tween precut squares of waxed paper,
meanwhile bathing others in the hot
sauce in the chafing dish, folding them
into triangles and serving them to the
members of his audience on paper plates,
h forks of plastic, as he went through
this sequence as smoothly as his batter
flowed, Reinhart was conscious of a f
ing that was unique in his more than
hall a century of life: For the first time,
he did not feel as if he were either char-
latan or buffoon. Thus, late, but pre-
sumably not too, was proved the wisdom
of what in his boyhood had been con.
ventional advice but which, alas, he had
long ignored: Learn a trad

And then, suddenly, their corner wa
devoid of humanity except for Helen
and himself. Reinhart scanned the empty
aisle, and then lowered the Grand Mar-
nier bottle to the second shelf of the
worktable, where he tipped its mouth
toward a plastic measuring cup and
poured out a drinkable quantity of the
orange liqueur. He passed the cup to
Helen, below the level of the tabletop.

She lifted it to her mouth and threw
down its contents as though it were
bar stock, then lowered the glass and
said, “I thought you'd never ask.”

Reinhart suppressed a wince. He liked
delicacy in a woman. Not to mention
the fact that Grand Marnier was inap-
propriately drunk in a rush.

But Helen was pushing the glass across
his counter and leering significantly. He
felt he had no choice but to offer her
another. She laughed in her hearty style.
“Say, Carl, if worst comes to worst, we'll

"ve got bc-

sid

just have to drink up the booze, so the
prospects aren't all bad.”

He asked her for the time, and then he
invited her to have lunch with him.

A certain quick transformation in how
she thought of him could be seen in her
eyes. She looked at her watch and said,
“Eleven-twenty!”

"Can it be?” asked Reinhart, “We
haven't done much business, but we've
got through the morning.”

Helen said, with what seemed a hint
of shame, "I'd like to take you up on
the invitation, but I can't.

“Sure, id he. “Some other time.

“TIl make it up to you." She spoke
in an intense whisper. It was a strange
thing to say, and an odd style of saying
it, and whatever the intended signifi-
nce, Reinhart was all at once aroused.
This happened seldom enough to the sc-
date middle-aged gentleman hc had
become.

He turned quickly back to his work.
The cooked-crepe supply was not espe-
cially low—the stack held at least a
dozen—but you could never tell when
they might have another run. He put hi:
iron skillet on a burner of the hot plate
and turned up the heat. In his right
peripheral field of vision he saw a lone,
cartless shopper approach from the top
of the aisle.

“Carl?

He had actually recognized her at the
instant she had come into sight, and he
furthermore had done so from the corner
of his eye. But when you had lived with
a woman for 22 years, it was no great
feat, even a decade later, to sce her
through the back of your head.

He caught himself just as he was about
to burn his hand, instead moving it
deftly to take a paper plate to the
chafing dish and there choosing a hot
crepe. He spooned extra sauce upon it
and presented it, with plastic fork, to
the mother of his children.

“Free sample,” he said. “Bon appétit,
Genevieve."

Tt was typi
thrust plate.
1," she said again, and neither
єс was it a greeting, “we have to talk.”

Reinhart continucd to hold the crepe
toward her. He began again, in the prop-
er style. “Hello, Genevieve. It’s been a
while. How have you been?"

At least some of his shock was due to
her altered appearance. When last en-
countered, she in her carly 40s, he in the
middle of his fourth decade, Genevieve
had been the sort of woman who could
be termed handsome: Her features were
well cut, with no ragged edges; her cye
was clear, her skin uncreased, her hair of
a uniform color, her figure as fit as if

I of her to ignore the out-

she were ten years younger. i |

But now she was not simply a faded = s |
snapshot of herself of a decade past; she P \
was the worn and cracked photograph |
he could recognize her better from the
corner of his eye than straight оп. It |
changed; e.g., the cartilage in her nose | |
sone we undergone sen, | THE LEADING
suggested peepholes cut through inor-| | |
ganic material rather than living skin;
her hair was arranged significantly to |
lower her once high brow. Not to men- |
Чоп that she was very thin—and not in |
Winona's sense, the willed emaciation of |
chic. Genevieve looked as though she |
simply had not had enough to eat in
recent weeks: Her complexion was a mix-
ture of yellow and gray, her posture was
none too steady, her clothes were too
large.

Reinhart now found himself urging
the crepe on her as emergency nourish-
ment, as one would extend warm soup
to the starving. And he was joined by
an ally.

"Go ahead, ma'am,” Helen Clayton
said encouragingly, walking toward
Reinhart's worktable. “It’s freet”

"Get rid of her," Genevieve told her
ex-husband, without so much as a glance
toward the other woman. "I told you 1
wanted to talk,

Despite her current disguise, which
‚ Genevieve's
stark spirit was all too familiar.

Reinhart retracted the crepe. Helen
shrugged in good-natured indifference
and turned away.

His ex-wife continued to stare at him.

At last, he said, "I can’t deal with
personal matters until I'm off duty.”

“What's that supposed to mean?" Gen-
evieve asked, for all the world as if she
genuinely did not understand.

“I'm working here. This is a job, to 2
promote the sale of a crepe mix.” She 5 T ines ionge aa
frowned. Had she turned mentally in- -b Ee СЕЎ ds
competent in some fashion? “I'll meet ónger tandi d dealer =
you for lunch if you like. УЗ шати ат гтпогә.

"Lunch?" Her stare lost coherence. Uhi liwet miei ornis roci "ganas Š

Oh." She returned her eyes to his. “I'm “folderto y w, MSS +2
not looking for a handout.”

“You're hardly being offered one,"
Reinhart answered in a level tone. “I
assume you've got something serious to
talk about, if you bothered to look me up
here. And if so, then lunchtime would
seem to be the moment to talk about it,
and I at least will be hungry then, hav-
ing worked all morn

“AIL right,” she said,

of someone else entirely. Reinhart found R A IN DANCE |
would have defied his powers to say in |
her eyes flickered behind what strangely
DEALER-APPLIED POLY.
LJ

^ She fil-

tered through the shopping carts. руе ; d \ MUCIUS of ashe 0 BS

Reinhart turned to Helen. “I suppose

Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health.

you wonder who that woman is.”

“What woman?” asked Helen.

"You're being too diplon He
smiled sadly. “But I appreciate it. She's
my ex-wife. I haven't seen her in many
years.”

Helen shrugged and then smiled in
return. She had a remarkably sweet
temperament.

“Well,” he said, “I've got my compan-
ion for lunch, and I'm not looking for-
ward to the occasion.” He rubbed his
chin and added, on what was really an
innocent impulse, “I'm sorry it won't be
with you.”

Helen swallowed visibly. Her reply
had a certain intensity, an undue ear-
nestness. "I should be able to make it
right after work, if that’s all right.”
ken by surprise, but
pologize. "Oh, I didn't

aid Helen, “I wouldn't say it
if I didn't mean it.” More shoppers were
coming; she turned to deal with them.

Reinhart poured and cooked more
crepes, seryed them to smiling women.
This was more attention than he had got
from the female population in decades

But what did Helen mean? What
would she “be able to make right after
work"? But more importantly, whatever,
why was he apprehensive? What a tame
old fellow he had become!

Finally, the batter he had brought
from home was coming to an end, and
he was about to ask Helen for the time

when he saw Genevieve rounding the
corner at the head of the aisle. He served
the crepes—of which, luckily, there were
two more to divvy up than the number
of customers who awaited them—and
then addressed Helen:

“I guess we can break for lunch now,
huh?"

nice lunch." He was rc-
luctant to leave her company, especially
to join Genevieve. He realized that he
was thinking of Helen as his protector!
But she lost no time in leaving.

On joining Genevieve, he took the
initiative, "Its been a good ten year
hasn't й?” He began to walk up the
aisle,

She merely shrugged. Time apparent
ly was of no import to her

Her stride had altered since the old
days. It was hard not to see it as a trudg

They turned at the head of the aisle
and went parallel with the
endless shelves of. products baked. from.
dough and packaged in cellophane. “I
didn't come to talk of old times," said
she. "And I don't want any special
favors. I didn't come for myself."

"I didn't think you did,” said Rein-
hart. They reached the front doors,
which swung open automatically when
their weight reached the mats. Across a
block of parked cars was the restaurant
he thought he'd head for, a place called,
merely, Winston's. He simply liked the
name, The facade was mall-banal, and
he knew nothing of the cuisine, but at

ure; have

along

least it was not called by some term that
evoked unpleasant gastronomical antici-
pations (like Old something, or any
name in the diminutive).

Nor did the place immediately offend
upon entrance. They were seated by a
young woman who was civil but not
falsely enthusiastic. She led them to a
ble capacious enough for two more
persons. The tabletop, though not made
of wood, was at least not of mirror gloss,
and the disposable mats were not im-
printed with patriotic lore, maps of the
region or little-known and useless facts
intended to entertain. The cutlery was
clean and of a goodly heft, and the nap-
kins were of paper but thick and wide.

Reinhart asked Genevieve whether she
wanted a drink
She sat rigid, both forearms pinning
down the prone menu, “No,” she said.
“In fact, I don't r nt lunch. I
don't want anything from you.”

“Having taken it all” is what he
might have said at some earlier time,
just after the divorce.

Reinhart opened and scanned his own
copy of the menu (which was unsullied
by thumbprints, grease spots or catsup
drippings). Wonder of wonders, there
were other foods than shrimp and steak
and prime ribs. For example, there was
fresh ham. There was meat loaf. There
was Irish stew! Reinhart had a good feel-
ing about this place, though. of course.
the only proof would be in the eating
He looked at Genevieve over the bill of

ally w.

fare. “You really should eat something.”

For the briefest instant, she showed a
look of vulnerability, such as he had
never before seen. “I'll just have собе
Carl," she said, and perhaps it was his
imagination, but he detected the hint of
a softer note than he had ever known
her to sound. Suddenly, as if warm water
had been poured on him from above, he
felt flooded with pity

He leaned forward and asked, “Are
you OK?

But she bridled at this. “I'm not the
problem.” She could not res adding,
"I never was."

The waitress me then. Genevieve
would not budge from her lonely cup of
coffee, but Reinhart had put in a solid
morning of labor. He asked whether the
stew was of lamb; it was.

“I don't suppose you have Guinness?”

But surely they did. The waitress was

a mellow-voiced young woman with neat
hair and a clear complexion.
“All right, Gen,” he said when they
were alone again. “I realize you're show-
ing great patience. .. . You want to dis-
cuss Blaine and Mercer's problem, I'm
sure. I don't know what I can do."

Genevieve pointed a finger at him.
"Don't worry about our son and daugh-
terindaw," said she. "That's no big
deal."

The waitress arrived with the cup of
collee and Genevieve pushed it aside
without tasting it. "It's your daughter.
My God almighty, to have something

=
S
=
3

PLAYBOY

236

like that in our family. I could just
imagine what you'd be saying now if I
had raised her. But she's lived with you.
during these ten years."

“That's right," said Reinhart, “and
I'm very proud of her. She has been a
wonderful daughter and I love and ad-
mire her.”

Genevieve's face had become ever
more masklike. “I always wondered why
she wanted to live with you after the
divorce, leave her nice home and room
and all, her mother and brother. I really
resisted accepting the loathsome suspi-
cion that you and”

“No, Genevieve,” Reinhart said with
kindly firmness. “No, you don’t want to
pursue that line, whatever the malice
you still have toward me. No, I have
never had a sexual connection with my
own daughter. I realize that incest is
the current fashionable subject with the
quacks of popular psychology and the
hacks of TV, but Winona and I would
never make case studies."

At that point, the waitress brought
him a mug of almost black liquid, sur-
mounted by a good two inches of yellow
foam: They knew how to pour Guinness
herc!

“The fact is,” he said to Genevieve,
"Winona is doing fine. There's abso-
lutely nothing to talk about with regard
to her, unless one wants to praise her
for becoming a success. But Blaine is in
trouble.”

Genevieve breathed with effort and
seemed to suppress a cough. “Mercer's
just a bit high-strung.”

27
2
E

The deft waitress brought his Irish
stew. The aroma was the sort that ex
punges all forebodings. He sat there for
a moment while the fragrant vapors

varmed his face.

"Gcn, why not order somcthing to
eat? If you don't feel so well, how about
some soup? Or eggs in some form?"

She pulled her black coffee to her and
looked bleakly into it. “It's not healthy
to cat when you don't feel hungry," she
and added, with a new vulncrabil-
Ask anybod:
Your coffees probably cold by now,”
Reinhart said.

She became the old Genevieve for an
instant. "You just stuff your own face,
Don't worry about mel T'm doing just
fine. I wouldn't be back here at all but
for the fact that my children need me."
She suppressed another cough.

Reinhart was quite guiltlessly hungry,

for the best reason in the world, and
with unclouded pleasure he forked up a
plump piece of meat and put it between
his lips.
This Irish stew is really first-rate,”
said he, "Who would have thought that
such a place could be found in a sub-
urban mall?”

He told Genevieve, "I doubt your
main purpose in looking me up was to
talk about Winona." He did not add
what he believed to be the truth: that
she had no interest whatever in her
daughter, irrespective of Winona's sex-
ual arrangements.

“Т expected to he insulted.” Genevieve
said, and took him by surprise when she

“But, darling, you're the one who
wanted me to shave my pussy!”

smiled in a saintly fashion. “And I guess
you know it's not easy for me to turn
the other cheek, but I'm willing to try,
Carl. I understand a lot more than I
used to. I got out into the world. I
spread my wings." `

He continued deliberately to eat the
lovely stew. “Yes, Blaine has kept me
informed. I know you did well in Chi-
cago, but it was no surprise.”

"What's that mean?” she asked sus
piciously. "Are you making fun of me?”

Reinhart wearily shook his head.
“You'll simply have to accept literally
what I say nowadays. I always thought
of you as being extremely good at what-
ever you tried.

She blinked, though whether she had.
really been appeased was hard to say.
She rubbed her hands together. “I doubt
you'd include being a wife in your list
of my successes.”

Reinhart had finished his stew. Now
he took the last drink of stout. “I'd
be the worst authority on that, consid-
ering the kind of husband I was.”

"Aw," Genevieve said, "you weren't
the world's worst.”

"Fhis was a sufficiently unrepresenta-
e utterance to distract him from his
thoughts of food. “Good God, I wasn't?
You could have fooled me."

“Now, now," Genevieve said, waggling
a finger at him. She touched her be-
hind an car. “The thing is, we were so
young, Carl. So god-awful young. We
hadn't lived long enough. There was a
great big world out there that we didn't
even suspect existed.”

She let a moment pass and then said
coyly, "I've been waiting for a compli-
ment on my slender figure. Don't. you
think I'm pretty fantastic for a lady of
my age?" She pursed her lips. leaned
forward and added, sotto voce, “I had a
little help with my face, of course.”

Reinhart made a neutral expression,
presumably: He could not have charac-
terized it further without a mirror. He
suddenly saw the light. “You mean plas-
tic surgery?”

"d only admit it to you, Carl. Nobody
else knows. If I do say so myself, it
looks completely natural.”

Poor devil. Reinhart realized that he
could probably never be matter-of-fact
with regard to Genevieve: She could not
fail, her life long, to make him unhappy
in some way, even if only in compassion.

“Oh, right,” he said, “quite right.
You've managed to keep your youth,
Gen, but you should be careful not to
diet too much. It's not healthy. I tell
that to Winona all the time, but I feel
Im talking into the wind. But at least
she does stoke up on ns. I must
admit she's never sick.”

This turn of subject met with little
favor from his ex-wife. She sniffed di:
agreeably before resuming her favorite
theme. “I don’t mind saying that I've

fought back against adversity and held
my ground. And yet I've never become
Believe me, Carl, despite my
tion, there's still a lot about
me that can still remember that young
girl who conquered your heart.”

For a moment, he was nonplused. Had
she learned about his 1968 "affair" (such
as it was) with Eunice Munsing—and ap-
proved? . . . No, she was talking about
herself. He should have understood that
from the loving i

"I'm sure there $
picked up the check. The damages were
not severe. Winston's was not out to
punish its patrons. He was definitely
pleased with this restaurant.

“Don't you get it even yet, Carl?”

He was being stared at with increasing
intensi He hated that in the best of
times. He pushed his chair back and
stood up.

“Why, sure I do, Gen,” he said with
all the amiability at his disposal. "You
wanted to show me how great you look
and how well you're doing. I'm glad you
did. We'll do it again sometime, now
that you're back in the area." He found
his money and placed a tip on the table.
He was aware that Genevieve had stayed
where she was and was making no move
to depart. vertheless, he turned slow-
ly in the direction of the entrance and
be 5 it were, to mark time.

^m afraid I've got to get back to
work, if you don't mind. It's my first day
on the job. It's very gratifying to me:
I'm self-taught as a cook, you know. I've
gone quite a ways beyond the meals 1
used to make when we were all to-
gether."

“We could be all together again," said
Genevieve in a low, penetrating voice,
a kind of stage whisp

Standing ther a crowded restau-
rant, he thrilled h horror. But at last
he managed to say, “We really must do
this soon again.”

Now she cried aloud: “You fool, you
lovable fool, can't you see what I'm

ing?” The polite caters at the nearest
ple pretended not to hear.

Reinhart foresaw that her next speech
might be at sufficient volume to com-
mand the attention of the entire ro
ess he could placate her with an im-
їс response. She was quite capable
ing him publicly, on his first day
He thought of something even
worse: She might pursue him into the
supermarket itself!

“Come along, Gen,” he said, trying
are grin. "Let's take a

for a devilm
walk.”
Wondrously, this worked. At least she
left the table. Now the nearby people
decided to ab: r discretion and
gawked rudel t hoped no one
Who had seen him cooking crepes would
recognize him now. That's the kind of
thing you could not control once you

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PLAYBOY

238

- went among the public. But it bolstered
him to think of himself as a celebrity:
whom everybody was out to get the
goods on.

Once they had paid the cashier and
passed through the door, he tried dis-
«reetly to break Genevieve's hold on his
forearm, but she only took a firmer
purchase with her talons. This was the
woman who, ten years before, had de-
rided and demeaned him in all the
classic ways and. perhaps invented a new
onc or two. There had been a time
when a moment like this could have oc-
curred only in a desperate fantasy. She
was abasing herself before him! He
should sec it as a triumph. But these
reversals traditionally fail to happen at
the right moment: When your adversary
is at last at your mercy, he is no longer
the proper object of revenge.

Moving decisively, Reinhart

nevieve's fingers off him

I have to say goodbye,” he said w

the same firmness. “I'm due back at

work.

She was leering at him. This could
not have been a successful expression
even when she was still pretty. Now it
was ghastly.

“Hell,” she said in a husky low tone,
“you got time.” She caine close and dug
at him with an elbow. “Want to go to
a motel?"

“I'm sorry, Gen. You see, I've taken
a vow of chastity. It'sa religious thing."

A picce of rank cowardice, to be sure,
but it was the best he could do on short
notice; and if he stayed longer in her
presence, he might lose all responsibility
for his actions.

As he walked away, she cried in a
voice that sounded as though it might
have come from a loud-speaker, “You
pansy!"

She was really broadcasting her age:
"That had been an archaic term for ever
so long.

lifted

Tt was not to be believed. No sooner
had he gone back into the world than
he encountered his old nemesis. Fate
always arranged it so that Genevieve
was there to hamstring him at the begin-
ning of any race.

A white Caddy passed him, then came
to an abrupt stop and was, reverse-year
lights illuminated, backing up at excess
speed. This took Reinhart’s attention
off his old problem and gave him a new
But the car stopped just before
running him down, and Helen Clayton
got out of the passenger's side.

The car accelerated away. Helen came
to Reinhart. Never had he been so glad
to sce anyone.

“Hi, partner," said Helen, who was a
significant presence even upon a flat
sweep of blacktop, and then she linked
her arm with his, but jovially and not
in the raptorial fashion of Genevieve.

wort

She cried,
line!”

He knew no serious reason why he

should have found Helen so reassuring,
but he did.
Already they seemed not only old
Iriends but comfortable lovers—if there
were such a thing the latter: You
wouldn't know from Reinharts exper
ence from at least as far back as the end
of his Army days. He had not had a girl
friend since then.

Back at work, an hour passed too
swiftly to be believed. More persons
than Reinhart would have thought
shopped for food in the early afternoon,
at least on this day. He had almost €
hausted the crepe batter made during
the morning session when DePau ma-
terialized at the table.
ay," he said, "your boss wants to
talk to you.”

“On the phone?" Reinhart served hot,
sauced, triangulated crepes to three cus-
tomers. More were waiting. “Could you
tell асе TIl call back when I get
break?” He looked up the aisle. Still
more carts were coming his way. "We're
on a roll.

"There was a spiteful note in the voice
of the supermarket manager. “Fella, she
wants to talk to you right now.” DePau
turned and addressed the crowd: “I'm
sorry" He waved his anns. "Thats all
for today. We have to close the stand
down now." He moved so as to block
their access to the area of the table oc-
cupied by the chafing dish.

Reinhart wiped his hands on a towel

Back to the old assembly

and removed his loque blanche. He in-

tended to compl: to Grace about
DePaus officious rudeness. Surely, it
was his supermarket, or anyway it was
managed by him, but he had no call to
be so lacking in common courtesy.

“All right,” said DePau to Helen, and.
he actually snapped his fingers at her,
"lets close up over here, too. I'll. have
somebody take care of your stock. Just
leave now!" He was clearly in a state
of great impatience.

Helen shrugged and, turning from
him, tended to something at her table.

“Did you hear mc?" DePau's voice
se an octave.

“Listen here,” Кей
moving toward him
tongue in your head.

The manager looked as though he
might be suffocated by his internal hı
mors. He coughed and spoke in a voice
so constricted that much of what he
d was unintelligible. "Police . . .
publicity . . . sue. .

They all marched through the rear to
a bleak room walled in cinder block and
containing battered office furniture and
a remarkable amount of papers.

DePau handed Reinhart a telephone
handset.

yt said to DePau,
You keep а civil

“Hello.” said Reinhart. “Grace?”

“Carl, I think we'll wind up the Top
Shop demo, OK? Take the rest of the
day off and ГИ be in touch. Now give
me Clayton.”

»race," he asked,
happened?"

"Time to move on, Са!
Clayton on the line."

Grace really was hard to withstand
when she spoke ex cathedra. Reinhart
licked his upper lip and gave the phone
to Helen.

“Uh-huh, uh-huh . . . OK, Grace,”
Helen said. "Sure." She hung up and
said to Reinhart, smiling, "Not a bad
deal, Carl. We got the rest of the day
off with pay. C'mon, let's get lost.”

DePau was hovering near the door.
“You can leave by the ba

Reinhart and Helen emerged onto
a potholed patch of blacktop on the
southern side of the building.

"Mind telling me the explanation of
this strange episode?” Reinhart asked.
"Now that we've got a minute? In fact,
now that we've got all day

She was laughing at him. "You've still
got your apron on!” He undid the
strings.

In the same good-humored way, she
said, “Some woman called up DePau
and bad-mouthed us.

“What”

“Said we were drin
pawing each other."

Reinhart's jaw ached. After a moment,
he realized the pain could be relieved by
unclenching his teeth.

Helen went on: “Grace, to give her
credit, said she didn't believe it, but he
complained to her, so what could she
do?

With wincing hangof-the-head, Rein-
hart said, “You know who that was,
don't you?”

She shrugged gencrously. “I've got an
idea."

And 1 was feeling sorry for that
bitch." He finally was able to shift hands.
on the ball of apron and get into the
other sleeve of the jacket. "Ten y
I don't sce her for ten years, and the
first time she shows up. . . ."

“Well, hell," said his genial colleague,
“look at it this way, Carl She got us
half a day off.”

The extraordinary thing was that he
did not feel as dispirited as he should
have. That he was not utterly devastated
by this experience was due only to
Helen. It was difficult to feel hopeless in
her presence. He smiled at her.

Should we take both cars?" she asked.

Probably simpler to leave one here and
k it up on the way back."

I don't have a car," said Re
"So that's even simpler. But whe
we supposed to be going?

She swung in against him.

"has something

! Now just put

ng in public and

Й
s

inhart.
are

When will

“I like it, Pietro, I like it. Put bigger tits on Saint
Ursula and you've got yourself a sale.”

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we have a better opportunity?”

An eroi interpretation could be
made of this, but Reinhart was not yet
so old that he had forgotten the frus-
trated expectations of his youth. In those
days, anyway, women conventionally im-
plied much more than they meant to do,
and he had been marked for life by
such experiences.

Therefore he said, modestly, “We
might have a drink.” They were now
walking among the ranked cars.
Thing to do,” said Helen, letting his
arm go and plucking into her strap-hung
purse, “is to pick up a bottle.” She found
some keys and went purposefully to a
large, battered, dirty blue automobile
parked between two sensible, neat, eco-
nomical vehicles manufactured by for-
mer cnemics of the United States,
Reinhart had not owned a car in a
decade, and he could by now identify
few brands. Helen's chariot looked as
though it had been designed for the
sheer purpose of squandering fuel.

Reinhart slipped in. Helen started the
r, making a noise like that of a dish-
sher within which a glass has brok:
g driven no more than 100
yards across the asphalt, she stopped at a
liquor stor

Reinhart understood that he was ex-
pected to make a purchase. He asked
Helen for her choice of beverage, though.
he was puzzled as to where they were
going to drink it: from the bottle, in the
car?

“Gee,” said Helen, “I'm partial to
Scotch, but it's pretty expensive —’

Reinhart raised his hand. ay no
more, my lady. Your needs will be an-
swered." Alter what should have been a
degenerative experience—perhaps his
job was gone for good, and would Gene
vieve stop at thatz—he had moved ever
closer to exuberance.

He dropped his apron on the seat and
went into the store and examined the
appropriate shelves.

‘The bulbous man behind the counter
d, "Can I help?”

“Just choosing a Scotch," said Rein-
hart, "for my friend. She thinks it's a
good way to kill an afternoon."

“LE she's somebody you're out to im-
press,” said the liquor dealer, "may I
suggest Chivas?” He turned to the
shelves behind him and found a boxed
оше.

“By George,” said Reinhart, playing а
role for his own delectation, “1 think we
ought to spare no expense to please the
little lady." He withdrew his wallet and
paid the bill. He assumed that Helen
would give him a lift home after their
little drink: He now no longer had bus
are.

“Where do we give this a belt?” he
asked her when he regained the car. "We
really ought to have glasses and ice.” He

wa
nd havin;

brandished the bag and could not for-
bear from gloating: “This is the crème
de la crème.”

Helen frowned as she started up. “Uh,
that's not like cream dee menth, is it?
1 don't go much for cordials, in general.”

He allayed her fears by unbagging,
unboxing and displaying the bottle.
“The fact is that I'm not m
whiskey drink he said.
days, anyhow. In view of that, I thought
only the best would do.”

She gave the Scotch a loving smile.
"Now you're talkin’.” She gunned the
car off the blacktop onto the highway.
This was 2 suburban shopping area in
which one mall abutted another for
what a local promotional effort sought
to have called the Miracle Mile but con-
sumed even more space than the name
asserted. Beyond the malls began a
sequence of motels,

In among the local examples of the
famous chains was a simple, almost
austere rank of discreet little huts, called,
remarkably for this day, Al's Motel.

It was into the forecourt of Al's that
Helen easily swung her car. Reinhart
honestly believed, by at least 75 percent,
that she was stopping there in the per-
formance of some errand.

“This is real private, Carl," she said
and turned in back of the little office
building. Helen stopped there. “You can
check in through the back door, if you
want.”

Now Reinhart was suddenly soaked to

the skin, t were, with embarrassment.
As it happened, he had never his life
long checked into any public hostelry
with a woman who was not his legal
spouse; in fact, who was not Genevieve,
his only wife.
" he said, "can't we just be
friends for a while? Maybe when we
know each other a little. better. things.
will work themselves out.”

"Gee, Carl," she said, smiling an in-
sinuation, “I guess I misinterpreted. . . .
Uh, well, youre a special kind of guy,
you know. It’s not easy to figure you out
at first.”

Reinhart rubbed his chin. “Do you
think I'm gay? Is that what you're say-
ing:

Helen raised her hands. “Listen. ..

“Well, I'm not.” He wondered wheth-
er he might have been too defensive.

“It's OK by me, whatever," she
sured him. No doubt she meant
Generosity seemed a basic trait with her.
But it was evident that her disappoint-
ment was still greater than her tolerance.
She smiled wryly and put her car into

a minute" Reinhart said
this on an impulse, surprising himself
“It would be a shame to waste a perfect-
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242

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pride that Helen continued to back out
of the slot down behind the motel office

^I think the moment has passed, Carl,"
said she, though in as friendly a manner
as ever.

“The idea was terrific. I'm sorry I
didn't understand it at first.”

Helen was now driving up the ascend-
ing slope, toward the highway, the old
engine laboring. “I think you were kind
of shocked, that's what I think.”

^I may have been,” Reinhart con-
fessed. "I guess time has caught up, may-
be even passed me in some respects,

id. reached the entrance to
the highway by now, but Helen stayed
where she was even after a gap ap-
peared in the traffic.

“Is that your trouble?"
that all?”

Reinhart was a bit annoyed by her
scolfing, kind as he knew she meant to

she asked. “Is

” Helen said, "I hope I didn't
make you morbid. Heck, I've got at
least one friend who's older than you,
and he still has a lot of fun." She looked
at him in what he took to be compa
sion, and his pride was affected once
morc.

He said seriously, but with a smile,
“Sorry, E really didn't intend to throw
myself on your mercy." A thought cune
to him. He looked back at Al's and saw
what he wanted: an outdoor telephone
at the corner of the office. “I'm going to
use that phone. You want to stay here
or back up?”

She did the latter, and he got out and
went to the booth.

He dialed his home number
waited until it rang uselessly a dozen
times. He remembered that Winona had
a modeling assignment that would oc
cupy her all day. Furthermore, the job
was about 30 miles from town, at ihe
warehouse of a furniture firm. No doubt
she would be depicted sitting at the
foot of one of the beds currently on sale.
Reinhart suddenly wondered whether
there were men who might find this an
crotic image.

He returned to Helen's old car.

She immediately asked, “Is the coast
clear?”

“Huh?”

"Didn't you just call home to see if
anybody was there?"

Reinhart laughed in admiration and
a certain embarrassment. “Woman, you
scare me! Can you always read minds?”

Helen joined in the laughter. She
started the engine.

Reinhart said, “I've never done this
before, but I don’t see any real reason
why it wouldn't be OK." In truth, he
(concluded on page 216)

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(continued from page 242

“Her body was as opulent as he supposed: He was
worried about doing justice to it.”

al reasons, foremost
among them being that he had always
considered the apartment Winona’s,
where he was essentially a guest. "See, I
live with my daughter. But she'll be
working for several hours yet.”

“If she's a good girl,” said Helen,
ing forcefully along the highws
"she won't begrudge her dad doing what
comes naturally, I don't think.

When they reached the apartment
building. Reinhart directed Helen to
enter the underground garage and find
the parking slot that was assigned to
Winon:

They boarded the clevator at the
level of the garage.

Helen pulled his face to hers and
Kissed him.

"The experience was unprecedented for
Reinhart, as s he could remember.
Men of his age and situation were not
routinely embraced in elevators.

The door slid away, and they de-
boarded on the fourth floor. Reinhart
was in an equilibrium between wanti
ly to encounter a recognizable neigh-

could sce sev

1. Back of shoe near buckle is
rounded.

2. Heel joins shoe ot wrong angle.

3. Seam is odded to strop.

4. Vertical seom inside shoe is.

missing.

Answer to puzzle on page 245.

bor and hoping to sneak in and out
undetected. That is, he had a perfect
right to bring a woman home, on the
one hand, while on the other, furtive-
ness made for more excitement. He had
never gone this far with any nonpros-
тише of whom he knew less.

But they were alone in the hallway as
he unlocked the apartment door.

“This is real nice,” said Helen in the
foyer
There's a river view, id Reinhart.

Suddenly, he saw that she was now as
uneasy as he was, rather, as he had been,
for this state is oftentimes relieved when
it is seen as shared.

He put his hands around her from
the rear and lowered his face into her
neck, How long had it been since he had
last done that sort of thing? This was
much too simple an embrace to wy on a
whore, and too immodest. The com-
plicated ecstasies can easily be purchased,
but nobody sells an honestly warm caress.

She took away his hands, but only to
pull him by one of them into the short
hallway that obviously Jed to the bed-

5.1
6. Stropis too short.

7. Tip of heel is too high.

8. Buckle is in wrong position.
9. Too mony holes in strap.

is it!

rooms. Her taking of the initiative, in
his domicile, excited him. He had alw:
been aroused by sexual rudeness or
arrogance on the part of a woman,
though in early life he had never under-
stood this.

Until this moment, his bedroom had
been a monastic cell. He went to the
buttons of Helen's blouse, she to hi
belt buckle. He would have lingered at
the task, but she was impatient, and
they were both undressed in no
at all.

He thought of something. There was
an outsidc chance that Winona might
come home early: accidental events were
always possible. He stepped across his
bedside rug and began to close the door.
He could hear Helen draw the shcets
over herself. Her body was as opulent as
he supposed: He was worried about do-
ing justice to it.

Something hard to identify either by
outline or by movement entered the hall-
у. A shadow is exceptionally fearsome
when one is naked, and for an instant,
nk back. But then he re-
1 Helen, whom he was obliged
to protect as guest and as woman, and
he projected his head through the
doorway

The figure had reached him. It was
identifiably human by now, and smaller
than he, but bent as he was, he looked
into its face. It was Mercer, his missing
daughter-in-law.

She supported herself with two hands
on the doortrame and made a strenuous
attempt to speak coherenuy, but suc-
ceeded only in breathing on Reinhart.
That such exhaust fumes were not
colored blue was a wonder.

“Mercer,” said her father-in-law quiet
ly. "You've given us all quite a scare.”

“Wwww ..." said she, and spun sud-
denly about and staggered back up the
hall, turned the corner and soon fell.

“I'm sorry,” Reinhart said to Helen's
face on his pillow. “Thats my son's
wife. Vl have to do something about
her." He opened the closet and took his
robe from the hook behind the door.

"Some days," Helen said cheerily, “are
like that." She climbed out of bed. Hel-
en was really something to sce, and she
was lacking absolutely in false or per-
haps even real modesty.

"Can't I help?”

“I don't think so,” said Reinhart.
“But thanks. Listen, I really am sorry."

Helen for the first time turned in-
scrutable, "Better get out there," she
said. "Don't worry about m

She dressed and left, and Reinhart
pondered his fate. It occurred to him
that some member of his family, small as
it was, had been available to ruin every
effort he had made that past week.

Stress can rob you of vitamins

What is stress?

Severe injury or infection, physical
overwork, too many martini lunches,
fad dieting—any condition that places
an unusual demand upon your y
constitutes stress and may cause B and
C vitamin depletion, if the diet is
inadequate.

Vitamins the body can't store.

Your body absorbs two kinds of
vitamins from the food you eat: fat-
soluble and та иа, Substantial
reserves of the fat-soluble vitamins are
accumulated in body tissues. But this is
not true of most of the water-soluble
vitamins, B-complex and C. They
should be replaced every day.

When your vitamin needs are in-
creased by stress, your body may use up
more B and C vitamins than your usual
diet can provide. When that stress is pro-

longed, a vitamin deficiency can develop.

STRESSTABS 600 kinh Potency Stress
Formula Vitamins can help.

STRESSTABS® 600 has a single
purpose: to help you avoid a B-complex
and C vitamin deficiency. With 600 mg
of vitamin C, and B-complex vitamins,
pon potency STRESSTABS® 600 can
help restore your daily supply of

these important vitamins.

STRESSTABS® 600 also contains the
U.S. Recommended Daily Allowance of
vitamin E.

A stress formula to meet a woman's
need for iron.

STRESSTABS® 600 with Iron
combines the basic STRESSTABS
formula with 150% of the Recommended
Daily Allowance of iron, plus folic acid
and more Be, to help satisfy the special
nutritional needs of many young
women.

STRESSTABS 600 with Zinc.

Because zinc requirements have
also been found to increase during
various forms of stress, it has recently
been concluded that there are times
when your body may need more zinc.

STRESSTABS' by Lederle. The Stress
Formula Vitamins preferred by physicians.

Doctors have relied upon the quality
of Lederle medicines, vaccines and
research for over 70 years.

Teer that same quality goes into
STRESSTABS? recommended by doctors
more often than any other stress formulas.

Look for the Lederle mark on every
STRESSTABS® package. If it doesn't say
Lederle, its not STRESSTABS®

REMY ON THE ROCKS. ITWAARMS THE HEART.

Д
2

THE’FIRST NAME
EXCLUSIVELY FINE CHAMPAGNE COGNAC FRO

OG NAC SS TN СЕ 91-7 2:4
THEM WO BEST DISTRICTS OF THE COGNAC REGION

Sole U.S.A. Distributor Foreign Vintages, Inc. Jericho. N.Y. 80 Proof. € 1981

GEAR

TOYS FOR THE BOAT

hoving off in anything from a dinghy to a yacht is such a watery groove that old and young salts often forget that there can be more
to life afloat than jumping waves or fishing off the coast of Bimini. More and more companies are getting into fun-type nautical
accessories; and the goods they’re producing—everything from marine stereos to unsinkable kites—take you down to the sea
not only in style but equipped with a treasure chestful of playthings, too. And if you're out
of gas money or wind, you can always drop anchor and toy with your toys in the harbor.

Above: The Cox Sportavia sailplane, with a 70-
inch wing span, can be launched and landed
while your boat is in motion, from The Price of
His Toys, Beverly Hills, California, $150, not
including a hand-held radio-control unit.

Above: You won't be asleep out on the deep
playing Icebreaker, a jolly drinking game made
of plastic, so it's impervious to salt water and
unsinkable, from The Price of His Toys, $17.

Above: The lapping of waves won't be the only sound you hear if you take on board a
salt-and-humidity-resistant Marine Combi stereo system that includes stereo cassette.
deck, AM/FM stereo tuner, graphic equalizer, power amplifier, four hermetically sealed
speaker enclosures and a marine controller to interface with ship-to-shore radio,
by International Marine Instruments, $1995, including metal cabinet shown.

Above: Go fly a kite off your yacht with this
52-inch Skynasaur Aerobat model that handles
just like a jet fighter and won't sink in water, if
outfitted with positive flotation rod, from
Skynasaur, Louisville. Colorado, about $35.

DON AZUMA

249

CREATIVE CLASSICISM

iven the fact that Alan Flusser's father was something of a sartorial dandy (“The guy
was nuts about Fred Astaire”), it's not surprising that young Alan began to have his
wardrobe tailor-made at 17 and now, at 35, is one of menswear's brightest
luminaries and the head of his own fashion company. Flusser’s personal style is
Savile Row with flair (as the picture of him at right attests)—and in an industry in which
planned obsolescence has replaced good design, all too often, it'sa pleasure to discover that
he creates essentially timeless looks kept fresh with the artful mixing of color combinations
and whimsical accessories. (Suspenders, anyone?) Flusser's book, Making the Man: The
Insider’s Guide to Buying and Wearing Men's Clothes, due out in September, explores in
more detail his particular fashion philosophy. Read it and reap the reward of having been
privy to the thinking of one of today’s most astute fashion minds. —DAVID PLATT

The classic Alan Flusser look shown below couples a wool single-breasted jacket with three flap
pockets, $325, and a pair of brown Venetian-wool double-pleated slacks featuring adjustable side
tabs and straight legs, $125, with a good-looking brushed-cotton windowpane shirt, $47.50, worn
under a cashmere hand-knit sleeveless V-neck decorated with crazy multicolor hearts and a rib
trim, $375. To complement the outfit, Flusser puts his best foot forward and offers two distinctly
different models of shoes: a suede tasseled lace-up style, $205, and a polished-leather braided
tassel loafer, also $205, to be combined with any of the three pairs of hand-framed wool socks
shown, $35 a pair. The jazzy multicolor rayon and cotton striped suspenders, which, incidentally,
have become something of an Alan Flusser signature, also cost $35 a pair. Snap to it, guys.

RICHARD IZUI

DAVID
PLATT'S
FASHION
TIPS

In many parts of the country,
the Western look continues tall
in the saddle, and one of its
many manifestations is the sim-
ple neck scarf. The easiest way
to wear one is to fold a silk
square or bandanna diagonally,
then fold the material length-
wise over and over in approxi-
mately one-inch sections. The
resulting band is looped around
the neck and knotted for a look
that works well under a cardigan
or with an open-neck shirt.

We suspect thet one of the
reasons the ubiquitous turtle-
neck sweater pulled back into
its shell a few years ago was
that many guys found the style
none too flattering to their
waistlines. The good news is
that T-necks are showing up
again, often worn as an element
of the layered look; e.g., under
a shirt that is under a V-neck
sweater that is under a sports
jacket. On a cool fall day, you
won't even need an outercoat.

•

While you're busy getting lay-
ered, don’t be too quick to pack
away all your colorful short-
sleeved knit pullover shirts.
You'll find they're effective
worn under another shirt (or
sweater)—and not at all as
bulky as winter-weight styles.

As the three-piece suit con-
tinues to wane in popularity,
there's a resurgence of interest
in tie tacks, bars and chains to
help keep neckties in place. We
especially like vintage tie bars
from the Fifties апа earlier—
provided you buy one ina width
that complements your ties.

Square-bottomed flannel and
melton shirts take on a look of
sophistication when worn with
a belt notched loosely just be-
low the midriff over slacks.
These shirts resemble jackets,
anyway—and the belt gets it all
together in a relaxed way.

251

Ray-Ban sunglasses.
As perfect nowas they w

pu
o
a
=
“
ч
A

same as it w
Glare protection. Sharp, distortion-free vision. Lenses that fiter
out the proper amount of sunlight.
The only thing that's different now is the variety we offer you: a choice
of lenses unmatched by any other sunglasses in the world.
Ray-Ban sunglasses. Still precision-ground from "
the finest optical-quality glass. Still made with real е an
we. —4 care by Bausch & Lor o
Tine department stores and sporting goods siures In short still the perfect sungla: S. BY BAUSCH E LOMB

WHEELS,

MUSCLE FROM THE EAST

ack in the Fifties, England owned America’s fledgling
sports-car market. The first spindly wheeled MGs
were joined by more powerful British Triumphs and
Jaguars, Teutonic bathtub Porsches, lusty Italian Alfa
Romeos and Ferraris and, eventually, by semicivilized
American Chevrolet Corvettes and Ford Thunderbirds.

The British sportsters improved and thrived for a time; the
Porsches grew fixed roofs and heavy price tags; the Italians
expanded with afiordable Fiats on one end, Maseratis and
Lamborghinis on the other; the T-bird grew back seats
and founded the “per-
sonal luxury" class; and
the Corvette became a
legend in its own time.

Hardly anyone no-
ticed when a Japanese
company called Nissan

started bringing in some
nondescript, MGB -like
Datsun 1600 roadsters,
then followed with
nicer, more refined 2.0-
liter versions with five-
speed transmissions.
But when those gave
way to the first 240-Z
coupes a decade ago,
America suddenly sat
up and took notice.
The beautiful and excit-
ing Datsun Z became
an instant smash at just
under $4000.

In the ten years since,
the Z has grown and
matured from a peppy
youngster to a high-
living executive. With a
base price into five fig-
ures ($11,300), today's
280-ZX is far more luxotourer than sports car.

Never one to miss an opportunity, rival Toyo Kogyo (mak-
er of Mazda cars and trucks) stepped in three years ago with
its own brash newcomer, the Wankel rotary-engined RX-7
sports car. It was fast, nimble, well built and affordable at
about $7000 base—everything the early Datsun Z had
been—and it, too, found instant success in the New World

Together, those two have made things tough for the Brit-
ish and the Italians, for the now-creaky-boned $16,000
Corvette and even for the pretty but mild-mannered four-
cylinder Porsche 924, now up to $17,000. And this year
there's still more performance and sex appeal from the East,
sure to bring groans from the rest.

In addition to smoothly updated front, rear and interior

Above and left: Z-car aficionados need no introduction to this Nipponese
screamer— Datsun's $17,000 280-ZX Turbo. But underneath that beautiful skin are a
drive train and suspension that have been beefed up to cope with the turbo's 25
percent additional horsepower. Engine operations are supervised by a system called
Electronic Concentrated Control System to meet 1981 emissions standards. Below:
Mazda's updated RX-7 GSL boasts a sleeker profile, plus trimmer front
and hindquarters (below right), and the price ($11,400) hasn't gone into orbit yet.

styling, slicker aerodynamics and more sure-footed handling,
Mazda’s RX-7 boasts better performance and fuel economy
for ‘81, thanks to a new catalytic-converter emissions system
and other engine improvements. In standard five-speed
form, it now zips from zero to 60 mph in 8.6 seconds, yet
scores a respectable 21 mpg in EPA city tests and 30 mpg.
on the highway. Prices range from $9400 for the S model to
$11,400 for the top-line GSL, with automatic transmission,
air conditioning and leather upholstery optional.

But the biggest news for sports-car buffs with $17,000 to
spend is Datsun's new
180-hp, turbocharged
280-ZX, which can
rocket to 60 mph in a
startling 7.1 seconds
and do a quarter mile
from rest in 15.4 sec-
onds with its standard
three-speed automatic
transmission.

Externally, the 280-ZX
Turbo is identified b
special wheels, a func-
tional N.A.C.A.-duct
hood scoop on the driy-
ers side, head-lamp
washer nozzles, twin
exhausts and subtle
turbo emblems on the
front fenders—and one
of its few shortcomings
may be that very sub-
tlety. Some would ar-
gue that more visual
excitement — (blacked-
out chrome, fender
flares and a rear spoiler)
is in order to set it apart
from its more mundane
nonturbo stablemates.

A T-bar sunroof, leather upholstery, automatic-temperature
control air conditioning and two-tone paint combinations
are available with the turbo package.

Both the RX-7 and the 280-ZX are highly refined, eye-
appealing and fun-to-drive sporting machines light-years

removed from the primitive, cart-springed, leaky-roofed
roadsters of a generation ago. The high-spirited Mazda, with
its unique and responsive rotary engine, is more of a driver's
car, slanted toward the young and adventuresome, while the
Datsun (standard or turbo) leans toward the more affluent
and conservative, who take their motoring pleasure slightly
softer around the edges. Either way, they spell big trouble
for the would-be competition. — GARY VIITZENBURG

253

A Little
Dazzle'll Do Ya

BERNADETTE PETERS
knocked off more than a
couple oí socks when she
in this dazzling

at the Academy

Awards last spring. For
those of you who wanted a

Steve Martin in Pennies

from Heaven. We think

this celebrity-breast-of-
the-month picture

worth dollar bills,

at least.

Chico and the Banan

This photo captures the spirit of Grapevine perfectly. Here's a
respected actor, JACK ALBERTSON, trying to stuff a very large
banana up his nose while attending a formal Hollywood func-
tion. We're wondering just how much Miss Rona knows about.
this weird and deviant practice.

Me and

My Gal
MARTIN MULL's famous for
his props. Without his easy
chair and lamp, millions of
Americans would have
laughed at a serious work of
art such as Dueling Tubas. It's
bad form these days to
suggest that the woman be-
hind a great artist is a dummy,
but honest journalism forces
us this time. So when people
say she rode on his back to
success, they'll be right. Say

254 good night, Martin.

атн INC.

If I Had a Hammer
This could be called getting hit over the head by inspiration, but
it's also the most direct way to settle a difference of opinion.
Singers DARYL HALL and JOHN OATES are riding high aíter a
spring college tour and a successful album, Voices. They've

any minute. These boys are knockouts.

Bow, Wow!

Singer PAT BENATAR is the “class”
tough-broad act in rock ^n' roll these days
and she brings it off even without shaving her
head. Her Crimes of Passion record went beyond
platinum and she’s not even breathing hard.

Sitting Pretty

For a while, MARTHE KELLER’s
celebrated relationship with Al
Pacino eclipsed her acting
career, which wasn't exactly
fair. We hope her soon-to-be- `
released movie, The Amateur,
co-starring John Savage,
will put things back into
perspective. The

thighs have it.

i
Two's Company, Too
Our runner-up for celebrity breast of the
month is Three’s Company's JOYCE
DEWITT, who has neatly managed to
survive, unscathed, the Suzanne Somers
crisis. The show has been renewed and
they've found another roommate to fill
Somers, er, shoes. As for Joyce, she can
move in with us.

been back in the studio producing Head Above Water, due out.

255

A VERY POPULAR DRUG ALONG
THE RUSSIAN-POLISH BORDER

Last August, we told you that syn-
thetic progestins influence the mascu-
linity and femininity of those who are
exposed to them in the womb. Com-
monly used to avert miscarriages, pro-
gestins have been given to millions of
pregnant women in the past 30 years.

A recent study at Rutgers University
links synthetic progestins to aggressive
behavior. (And we thought it was all

id T-SHIRT
DF THE
MONTH

If this is a traffic
jam you'd like to.
get into, send
$6.95 to Peter Van,
Route 1, Box 3050,
Fontanaon Geneva
Lake, Wisconsin

. 53125. Meanwhile,
watch out for.
dangerous curves
and don't forget

. to yield.

256

television's fault) June Machover
Reinisch of Rutgers’ psychology depart-
ment tested 17 females and eight males
who had been exposed to synthetic
Progestins in utero. Exposed subjects
were matched with sisters and brothers
who had not been exposed. The test
consisted of asking the subjects how
they would react to a variety of com-
mon conflicts. The four possible re-
sponses were: physical aggression,
verbal aggression, withdrawal and
coping (willingness to seek help).
Twelve of the synthetic progestin-ex-
posed females were more aggressive
than their sisters, three equaled their
sisters and two were less aggressive.
Seven of the progestin-exposed males
scored higher aggression responses
(one scored lower) than their brothers.
The results confirmed earlier findings
that male potential for violence is
greater than female, which is at least a
partial explanation for Alexander Haig.

HERPES UPDATE: PART ONE

Alleged cures for herpes, the plague
of 20th Century sex, come around with
medicine-show regularity. Until now,

SEX NEWS

nothing has seemed to work. Acyclovir,
a new drug currently being tested, ap-
Pears to reduce the symptoms for first-
time herpes victims. In a series of
double-blind trials, in which neither
Patient nor doctor knew who was re-
ceiving the treatment, acyclovir, which
was developed by Burroughs-Wellcome
Laboratories in North Carolina, sig-
nificantly reduced the communicability
of the disease. Unfortunately, current
studies also indicate that it has little
effect on long-established herpes cases.
Hundreds of new herpes sufferers have
been tested, forcing a wave of opti-
mism among the as-yet uninfected.
Apparently, the drug's full potential is
just beginning to be explored.

Advising that complete analysis is
yet to come, Dr. Lawrence Corey of
the University of Washington in Seattle
told us that acyclovir is “by far the
most promising drug under study” and
that “if things continue to look as good
as the preliminary tests, it may be avail-
able to the general public within the
next two years."

HERPES UPDATE: PART TWO

HELP, an organization for those who
have contracted herpes, will sponsor a
national symposium September 18-20
at the Bellevue Stratford Hotel in Phila-
delphia. The program includes a gener-
al overview and update on research
and discussions on how to cope with
herpes once you have it. Registration
fee is $30. For more information, send
a stamped, self-addressed envelope to
HELP Symposium, P.O. Box 100, Palo
Alto, California 94302.

CALIFORNICATING:
TEENAGE DISTRESS

First there was Annette, then the
Barbie doll and sidewalk surfing. As
California goes, so go the fortunes of

Someone sent us this jartop with a note
decrying its latent sexual imagery. To that
we say borscht. Stop complaining and

eat your lunch. Thats a red herring,
if you ask us.

American kids. Now, it appears, kids"
fortunes are about to plummet. The
California legislature has resurrected a
long-overlooked regulation that more

What's this? It’s archnerd Pee-wee Her-
man, host of The Pee-wee Herman Show,
boosting the, uh, spirits of the lovely Miss
Yvonne. Sort of a Mr. Rogers goes New
Wave, the live show knocked out Los
Angeles audiences earlier this year. Now
headed for your living room. Watch for
it soon as a syndicated television show.

or less prohibits teen sex.

The rule forces doctors, teachers and
any other child-care professionals to
report to the police reasonable suspi-
cions of sexual intercourse by females
under 18 with persons other than their.
husbands. The new law originally re-
ferred to "unlawful intercourse when
involved with child abuse," but con-
servative lobbyists convinced state leg-
islators to strike that clause, making all
teen sex a reportable offense.

You don’t think the little buggers
should be doing it anyway? Read on.
Whatever their opinions of teen sex,
most medical authorities agree that the
rule, which is based on a long-ignored
1953 statute, will discourage teens from
seeking medical help when they need
it. That will likely mean thousands of
untreated cases of V.D., other infec-
tions and even pregnancies. The Cali-
fornia Medical Association and the
American Civil Liberties Union have
each filed suits against the move. The
C.M.A. claims it breaches patient/doc-
tor confidentiality and forces doctors to
either uphold confidentiality and face
imprisonment or betray a teenager. As
Romeo said to Juliet, “Why must I be a
teenager in love?" Or was that
2 Dion and the Belmonts? [Y |

The Remarkable

Renault, maker of Europe's best selling cars, presents a
remarkable new wagon for America...the Renault 18i
Sportswagon.

Remarkable, because it is, at once, a wagon that pro-
vides comfortable seating for 5, and muscle to move you
crisply from 0 to 50...

..8 wagon with up to 65.5 cubic feet of load space,
and the good manners to go where you aim it through
precise, quick rack and pinion steering (lock to lock in
just 3 turns)...

...a wagon that takes care of the whole family, and
carefully meters out fuel for outstanding efficiency*...

...a wagon that bristles with
innovative technology of the 80".

Bosch L-Jetronic Fuel Injection

This is the Electric Multi-Point Bosch system also used by
Porsche 928 and Jaguar XJ-S. It precisely measures out
the fuel required for optimum performance and efficiency
from the 18i's enthusiastic 1.6 liter (1647 cc, aluminum
block and head) 4-cylinder engine.

20 Years Experience in
Front-Wheel Drive Design.
The 18i front-wheel drive system
isa study in compact,
lightweight design. Front drive
transaxles, engine and 4-speed
manual transmission (5-speed,
avail.) are deftly mounted to pro-
vide a 60/40 weight ratio, front to
rear. It also allows quick access
for service at any of the more
than 1300 Renault and American
Motors Dealers.

18i Sportswagon.

Slip Stream Aerodynamics

The 18i Sportswagon silhouette is notably slippery. A wide
front modesty panel— тоге discreet than add-on air dams
—encourages turbulence to slide beneath the 18i. Slip
stream styling effects promote excellent fuel efficiency*

as the wagon carves the air.

Road Adhesion

The 18i Sportswagon is masterfully tuned for the road.
With 155SR x 13 Michelin steel belted radials, box section
“live” rear axle (it flexes in the turns), front and rear
sway bars, and beefy helical coil springs (variable-flex in
the rear) surrounding long-travel shock struts.

Inner Space Geometry
The 18i's elegantly tailored seats are bioformed with
special support for the lumbar region and upper thighs.
Controls and gauges are strategically angled and posi-
tioned for driver access,
A wide rear bench seat folds forward, providing a
lushly carpeted flat load bed more than 54 feet long.

The Renault 18i Sportswagon.
Remarkable? We think so. It
provides what wagon users ask
for..generous space and great
mileage. And something many
have been missing...the sheer

joy of commanding a respon-

sive, nimble, sensitive, exciting
road machine.

*EPA estimated at . 38 mpg highway eat.
Remember: Compare this estimate with estimated
mpg for other cars. Your mileage may differ depen-
ding on speed, trip length and weather. Your
highway mileage will probably be lower.

Renault 18i
—Ме iat scone

1 American Motors dealers.

PLAYBOY

The largest selection of
exotics and handmade boots
for men and women

featuring:

Lucchese
Larry Mahan
Mercedes
Tony Lama

| Justin

| Stewart
Dan Post

For our latest Boot and Clothing
Catalog send $5 which may be
applied toward purchase.

X QUU

1705 S. Catalina Avenue
Redondo Beach, CA 90277

| LYNCHBURG

HARDWARE &GENERAL STORE

e
23 Main St., Lynchburg, TN 37352

JACK DANIELS
FIELD TESTER SHIRT

These are just like the shirts old Wallace
Beery used to wear. Of course, my shirts
have the added feature of a “Jack Daniel's
Old No. 7 Field Tester” in brown on the
chest. Made of 50% cotton and the rest
polyester, so they wash easy and keep their
shape. Natural cotton color. Order by size-
XS, S, M, L, XL. My $15.00 price includes
delivery.

Send check, money order or use American Express,

Visa or Master Card, including all numbers and

Signature. (Add 6% sales tax for TN delivery )

For a color catalog full of old Tennessee items and

Jack Oantel memorabilia send $1.00 10 the above
address. Telephone: 615-759-7184,

NEXT MONTH:

RICH RABBIT

-- 1
CAMPUS BELLES O'S JANE

“YOU TARZAN, ME BO"—YOU ASKED FOR IT, WE GOT IT: THE
RETURN OF BO DEREK. IT’S A ONE, TWO, THREE PUNCH IN
HONOR OF HER NEWEST FILM, TARZAN, THE APE MAN. AND A
BO-NUS: PLAYBOY'S BO DEREK-TARZAN PULL-OUT POSTER,
FEATURING THE BODACIOUS ONE IN A POSE YOU WON'T SEE
ANYWHERE ELSE!

JAMES MICHENER, PERHAPS THE WORLD'S MOST POPULAR
NOVELIST, DISCUSSES THOSE MAMMOTH BOOKS OF HIS AND DE-
LIVERS HIMSELF OF SOME SURPRISINGLY STRONG OPINIONS ON
AMERICAN POLITICS, WORLD LEADERS AND THE STATE OF LIT-
ERATURE IN A WIDE-RANGING PLAYBOY INTERVIEW

*RABBIT IS RICH"—OUR OLD FRIEND ANGSTROM REACHES
MIDDLE AGE AND DOESN'T CARE FOR IT MUCH. LEAVE IT TO THE
YOUNG WIFE OF A GOLFING PARTNER TO START THE OLD JUICES
FLOWING—BY JOHN UPDIKE

“RUTHLESS MOTHERS"—WHAT HAPPENS WHEN A WHOLE
GENERATION OF IDEALISTS REACHES MATURITY ONLY TO FIND
THE GOOD JOBS HELD BY ELDERS AND A PACK OF PRAGMATISTS
SNAPPING AT ITS HEELS? A FASCINATING LOOK AT HOW MONEY
IS ATOMIZING THE SIXTIES GENERATION—BY DONALD KATZ

PLUS: AN OUTRAGEOUS CONVERSATION WITH YIPPIE PROPHET-
TURNED-PROFITEER JERRY RUBIN, ANDA QUIZTO DETERMINE
YOUR OWN BOTTOM LINE—“ARE YOU RUTHLESS ENOUGH TO
GET RICH TODAY?”

“FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH”—OUR YOUTHFUL-LOOK-
ING AUTHOR REJOINED THE SENIOR CLASS, INCOGNITO, TO
FIND WHETHER OR NOT YOU CAN GO TO HOME ROOM AGAIN—
BY CAMERON CROWE

“GIRLS OF THE SOUTHEASTERN CONFERENCE, PART I" —
WE FOUND SO MANY (TOO MANY FOR ONE ISSUE) DOWN THAT
WAY THAT WE CAN PREDICT WITHOUT FEAR OF CONTRADICTION
THAT THE SOUTH WILL RISE AGAIN

“THE EVOLUTION OF THE MORAL MAJORITY"—THE REAL
DOPE, IN WORDS AND PICTURES, ON WHERE THESE VERY ODD
FELLOWS CAME FROM, COMPLETE WITH A FAMILY TREE (WHITE
BIRCH, OF COURSE)—BY DEREK PELL

“PLAYBOY’S PIGSKIN PREVIEW''—WHEREIN OUR FEARLESS
FORECASTER AIMS HIS CRYSTAL BALL AT THE CAMPUSES AND
PICKS PLAYBOY'S OWN ALL-AMERICA TEAM—BY ANSON MOUNT

“BACK-TO-CAMPUS FASHIONS"—GIMME A TWEED! GIMME A
DOWN VEST! GIMME THREE CHEERS FOR OUR ANNUAL UPDATE OF
WHAT THE В.М.О.С. WILL WEAR TO COLLEGE!—BY DAVID PLATT

"If your family likes to show off
as much as mine, put them onTV.
It's easy with my Panasonic portable
Omnivision video system?

My teammates are my family. And
even if they are a motley crew,
I want more than just a few

snapshots to remember
them by. Thats why I
have the new Panasonic
rtable Omnivision”
HS™ video recorder

(PV-4500) and video
camera (PK-751). They

make it easy to bring the guys goofy faces,

clowning, and fun back to life, right on my TV.

The Omnivision portable recorder and.

camera are lightweight and easy to use.

And with the cameras built-in

electronic viewfinder

(a small TV screen), you

can see an instant replay.

So you'll know you've got

the shots. The recorder

has Omnisearch, so

you can quickly review!

all your shots right l

through the camera, à

and edit out the ones you don't like. And there's freeze
frame and frame-by-frame advance in the 6-hour mode.
There's even a remote control that attaches right
lo the side of the camera, so you can control both
the recorder and camera while you're shooting.
All you concentrate on
is getting great shots.
ly Omnivision also
joes to work as a
Я оте video recorder.
Itcan record up to
6 hours from TV. Or
7 \ | when! go on the road,
м. | itrecords shows I'd
-— 7" normally miss. Because
\_ this Omnivision can be
` programmed to auto-

Ж.
МЭ

r,
=
(if

{

matically record up to

_ 8different shows over
| * 14 days.

5 ‘et | My Panasonic

«T portable Omnivision

A
£ brings all the fun of

^ „А outdoors, indoors.

<= Simulated TV picture.

Penasonio

Panasonic.

just slightly ahead of our time.

Do you think

you're smoking the
lowest tar cigarette?
Think again.

hy do you think your lowest brands into the chart Now is the lowest 100s
brand is lowest? below. Box. Now is the lowest 100s
Because its ads say so? That way you can see Soft Pack. And there's no
But other brands' ads just how much tar your cigarette in any size that's
are saying the same thing— brand has. And something lower in tar than Now.
that theyre the lowest in tar. else—there's one brand Do you want to know for
Just where is a tar- lower in tar than any of the sure that you're smoking the

conscious smoker supposed other "lowest" tars.

to turn?
Well. numbers dont lie.

So we've put the tar levels of

all these claiming-to-be-

Box

Ultra Lowest Tar'" brand?
Well. theres only one-
Now.

NUMBERS DON'T LIE.
NO CIGARETTE, IN ANY SIZE,
IS LOWER IN TAR THAN NOW.

воз... | шеше

те Less Less ihan pex
NOW jo.01mg| Img |0-0!mg| 2mg

Less than

CARLTON |0-01mg| Img | Img | 5mg

CAMBRIDGE | 0.1mg | Img | — | 4mg

BARCLAY | img | Img | — | amg

All tar numbers are av. per cigarette by FTC method. except those astensked (°)
which are av per cigarette by FIC Report May B

Дея;

The lowest in tarofall brands.

Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health.

ВОХ, BOX 10075: Less than 0.01 mg. "tar", 0.001 mg. nicotine,
‘SOFT PACK 85's FILTER, MENTHOL: 1 mg. "tar", 0.1 mg. nicotine,
SOFT PACK 100$ FILTER, MENTHOL: 2 mg. "tar", 0.2 mg. nicotine,
av. per cigarette by FTC method.

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