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ENTERTAINMENT FOR| '

BO DEREK ` yon
POSTER'
BONUS PULL-OUT
OF THE SEXIEST fie

JANE EVER, gr
PLUS EXCLUSIVE
PHOTOS FRO
THE NEW, H
TARZAN FILM

. GIRLS OF THE
SOUTHEASTERN
CONFERENCE
(NO WONDER THOSE
GUYS PLAY SUCH
GOOD FOOTBALL)

RIGHT FROM

THE SOURCE'S MOUTH:

AN EPIC INTERVIEW

WITH JAMES MICHENER

NEW FICTION. FROM
JOHN UPDIKE

s À REPORT ON
PLAYBOY'S — RUTHLESSNESS
~PIGSKIN PREVIEW IN THE EIGHTIES

D 4

1981 B& WT Co. 9 mg. "tar", 0.8 mg. nicotine av. per cigarette, ЕТС Report Jan. ‘80.
б... ° £ usb "| Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health.

Take the road to flavor
inalow tar cigarette.

The low ‘tar’ with

genuine tobacco flavor.

RALEIGH Eoo: |

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As your skills advance, you'll appreciate advanced
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J To further separate ourselves from
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For more information. write Minolta Corporation.
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Or see your Minolta dealer. In Canada: Minolta. Ontario, LAW 1A4.

Product appearance and/or specifications are subject to change without notice
©1981 Minolta Corporation.

Forthe past 40 years, Pioneer has built high
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PLAYBILL

IT 1s TIME onc n, guys, to go ape over Be Derek. Tarzan,
the Ape Man will hit movie screens near you soon—if it
hasn't already—and Bo has yet another young man swinging
from the trees. In addition to a luscious pictorial (shot by her
husband, John Derek) that further proves why she is the defini-
tive "I0," we give you a free, just-yank-itout-and-stick
on-your-wall poster of the new queen of the jungle. You, too,
will beat your chest and do the equatorial yodel.

John Updike brought back our old friend Rabbit

Angstrom in Rabbit Is Rich, an excerpt from the book of the
same name (to be published by Alfred A. Knopf in the
United States and by Andre Deutsch in the United Kingdom).
Rabbit, who is now middle-aged and not liking it one bit,
finds himself lusting after the young and beautiful wife of
one of his golfing partners—especially alter discovering some
ol the couple's amatory Polaroids. The artwork for the story
was done by Jeff Wack.
What happens when an entire gencration—the. dewy-eyed
lealistic baby-boomers—reaches maturity only to find earn-
ng power and job opportunities drying up? This generation
is getting it from both ends, too; the languishing older
crowd is still firmly in place, and coming up from behind is
an aggressive, hungry, novso-idealistic pack of pragmatists. In
Ruthless Mothers: Money, Values and the Gimme Decade,
Donald R. Kotz explains how the pursuit of money has become
a game of hardball, and how the generation is coping
with the “gimme” generation. Along with Katz's piece, we
offer a quiz to determine if you're ruthless enough to make
itbig.

Fast Times at Ridgemont High is a report by Cameron Crowe
on the state of mind that is high school today. Crowe, a mere
24 years old, looks younger; he passed for a transfer student
to spend a year among kids with whom very few of us have
anything in common anymore. The article is excerpted from
Crowe's book Fast Times at Ridgemont High: A True Slory
which will be published by Simon & Schuster. Charles Shields
created the accompanying illustration

No one has ever accused James A. Michener of having narrow
focus. When he gets into writing a book, it sometimes has 2
scope that would break a lesser intelligence, Contributi
Editor Lewrence Grobel, no slouch himself when it comes to
research, sat down with Michener and asked what makes one
of the world's best-read authors stay with it after all these
years. Read all about it in this month's Playboy Interview.

Many of you may have wondered, Just who are these
Moral Majority guys, anyway? Derek Pell, artist, poct and
member of no majority, moral or otherwise, describes in
words and pictures The Evolution of the Moral Majority.
‘The creationists, we learn, were obviously wrong—othcrwise,
how could we ve this feature? We learn how the group
started with early pious life forms and, in an exclusive, show
you the Moral Majority family trec—white birch, of course.

And once again our gridiron guru, Anson Mount, makes his
(usually uncannily accurate) Pigskin Preview, PLAvnOY's col-
lege football forecast. Read this before filling your flask and.
tailgating at the college of your choice.

The Southeastern Conference is one of the strongest in the
country, in terms of both its awesome football teams and its
awesome women. This month, we present the first part of
Girls of the Southeastern Conference. We had to split up the
feature (next month, Part П will appear) because so many
girls tried out successfully for our team that we didn't want
to shortchange anyone—especially our readers. Conu

Photographer Amy Freytag, Photo Assistant Dem
and Stylist Gayle Cohen were а

those respor
cultivating these flowers of Southern womanhood. It's enough
to make a rebel yell.

UPDIKE
^u

CROWE

GROBEL

FREYTAG, SILVERSTEIN

PLAYEOY (155N 0032-1470). SEPTEMBER, 1581, VOL 28, NC. 9, PUBLISHED MONTHLY BY PLAYDDY IN NATIONAL AND PECIONAL EDITIONS. PLAYBOY BLOG., 919 н. WICHISAN AVE.. CHGO., ILL. set,
2ND:CLASS POSTAGE FAID AT CHCO., ILL., а AT ADDL. MAILING OFFICES. SUES; IN TAE U.S., 318 FOR V2 ISSUES, POSTMASTER: SEND FORM 1879 TO PLAYBOY, P.O, BOX 2420. BOULDER, COLO. 80202

AYBOY.

vol. 28, no. §—september, 1981 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN’S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE
BEAYBILE еа SS A Aa аш ЫЫ А sistere Sa 5
THE WORLD OF PLAYBOY еи ае n
DEAR! PLAYBOY oo pe rev eoo ae eee 15

REVIEWER'S NOTEBOOK:
THE HYPE REPORT ON MALE SEXUALITY .......JAMES R. PETERSEN 21

PEAYBOY AFTER HOURS ент 27
BOOKS et cen СЕЕ 33
Showing OA: а оноох send-up of Eighties snobbery; Erdmun's. doomsday,
again.

MOVIES .. 34

Spielberg's Raiders and Brooks's History of the World-—sure-fire hits; John
(Halloween, The Fog) Carpenter's Escape from New York's a spine tingler.

MUSIC эз жасала сир E ек ыыр ioe 40
Steely Dan's Donald Fagen on why they don't tour, New Wave Roundup: a
fan's survival guide.

COMING ATTRACTIONS a as duos аа аго: 46
Sly Stallone's slated os Streelcor's beefy Stanley Kowalski; Hollywood wraps a
slew of horror-film spoofs; sorry, no Airplane! sequel this year.

Southeastern Girls

PLAYBOY'S TRAVEL GUIDE ........ саад о STEPHEN BIRNBAUM 49
Europe-bound tourists are in for a pleasant surprise: It's called purchasing
power.

MHELPPAY BOY: “ADVISOR: cise лешен Еа 51

THE PLAYBOY FORUM . . АКК АСАТ SAIS ERSTE. SAMS ES 55

PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: JAMES A. MICHENER—candid conversation ... 65

The best-selling author—his mammoth sagas include such blockbusters as The
Source, Hawaii and Centennial—discusses the millions he's made and given
away, several uncomfortably close skirmishes with death, his wives, his friends
and other writers.

RUTHLESS MOTHERS: MONEY,

VALUES AND THE GIMME DECADE—certicle .. DONALD В. KATZ 94
In the past decade, the baby-boom generation has found its ideas about
money up for grabs. So it traded antimaterialism for a psychology of entitle-
ment: If I'm not doing something worth while, at least | can make some money.
A provocative look ot this card-carrying (American Express, that 15] group.
who'll do almost anything for a buck.

JERRY RUBIN’S RADICAL MOVEMENT ............---------- 96
Once upon a time, he said money is violence; now he says it's power. He
oughta know.

É ARE YOU RUTHLESS ENOUGH
- TO GET RICH TODAY?—quiz. ............----+-- ASA BABER 97
Pigskin Preview Я Before you answer in the affirmative, fella, better take the test.

FOR PUBLICATION AND COPYRIGHT PURPOSES AND AS SURIECT T UNRESTRICTED тнт TO EDIT AND TO CONMENT tDITORMLLY. CONTENTS COPYRIGHT © (901 OY PLAYBOY, ALL
RIGHTS RESERVED. PLAYBOY AND FABBIT PEAD $ 5 з ^ NEGISTRADA. MARQUE DEPOSEE. NOTHING HAY DE REPRINTED IN WHOLE
PEOPLE AND PLACES 15 PURELY COINCIDENTAL CREOITS: COVER: PHOTOGRAPHY вт JOHN DEREK OTHER PHOTOGRAPHY BY: PITER BOASARI, P. 11; STEVE EWERT, P. 9); RICHARD FEGLEY

COVER STORY

It's easy to see why Bo Derek (making her third PLAYBOY cover appearance) brings out
the beast in men—and vice versa. Here's Bo, as Jane, hanging out in the jungle with
C.J. the orangutan, supporting-cast member іп the Dereks’ upcoming film Tarzan, the
Ape Man (starting and produced by Bo; directed by John, who clso shot the cover).
For more of the remarkable Bo, see Tarzan & Bo (page 146).

GIRLS OF THE SOUTHEASTERN CONFERENCE—pictorial ............ 101

RABBIT IS RICH—fiction . . РЕИС ЛТ JOHN UPDIKE 110

CANVAS ON CANVAS—modern 1

FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH—memoir . .. . . CAMERON CROWE 116

BELTED BEAUTY—playboy’s playmate of the month ........... x» MB

PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES—humor ............................ 128
BACK TO CAMPUS—attire . E HERO UNO DAVID PLATT 131

THE EVOLUTION OF THE MORAL MAJORITY—humor

PLAYBOY'S PIGSKIN PREVIEW—sports .......... . ANSON MOUNT 141

TARZAN & BO—pictorial essay ............4...... esee 146

PLAYBOY ON THE SCENE ..... =

14), I2: PASADENA TOURNAMENT OF ROSES ASSOCIA
INTERNATIONAL PHOTO, P. эк. ILLUSTRATIONS BY) NIKKI ANASTAS, P. 21; STAM EDWARDS, P. 219: сно

Never mind what they say about the changing South—the girls are as beauti-
ful as ever. The first of a two-part feature showcasing the lovely ladies of the
Southeast. Now you'll see why the South will rise again and again.

In this excerpt from Updike's latest novel, we once again encounter Rabbit
Angstrom, the familiar suburbanite, who has turned middle-aged—much to his
chagrin. He's finding his friends, his marriage, his country club—not to mention
his golfing partner's sexy young spouse—o little more than he can take.

ОТРАР maet ee OUD
Sturdy, collapsible furniture made to stand up under pressure wherever you
toke it.

Remember home room, guys called Ко! and teachers with names like Mr. Hand?
Remember cheerleaders? Our young-looking reporter donned a disguise and
revisited —after seven years—his secondary stomping grounds to re-experience
а few primary lessons.

Karate expert Miss September knows how to handle all kinds of admirers, and Compus Fashions
for showstopper Susan Smith, there's no end to the crowds.

The look for the upcoming school year is casucl—end classy.

. DEREK PELL 137
Con those ideas you've had about the sudden emergence of the new right.
You're about to get a look at the prehistoric origins of amoebus cretinus— ۹

a.k.a. the Moral Majority—according to the wacky Pell. The Creation story will Ея
never be the some.

Our expert's annual forecast for the season s collegiate gridiron action

There's more to Bo, says hubby John Derek, than meets the eye (though we've
always thought that was enough). Now John's director of and Bo's Jane in—
and producer of—a swinging remake of the classic Tarzan, the Ape Man. Here
аге some sensational outtakes from the film, plus exclusive PLAYBOY shots, and a

bonus—a Tarzan and Bo poster.
September's Susan

WHAT MAKETH A MAN?—tribald classic . ....................... 163

THE MILKY WAY—drink .................. EMANUEL GREENBERG 167
These smooth, new cream liqueurs are out of this world.

IPUAV BOY? FUNNIES BU of; «reete asserts teh Ен итни E a 170

PRAY EG ODI OUR cse MR mE T RI 218

249

Valoroso valises; tough boots—the real kir

vine; Sex News. Ruthless Mothers P. 94

11 c2): рану влш)

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P. 34.35, 114-135: PLAYBOY CLUBS INTERNATIONAL CARD BETWEEN Р, 242-241, 1!

PLAYBOY

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PLAYBOY

HUGH M. HEFNER
editor and publisher

NAT LEHRMAN associate publisher

ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director
ARTHUR PAUL art director
DON GOLD managing editor
GARY COLE photography director
G. BARRY GOLSON executive editor
TOM STAEBLER executive art director

EDITORIAL

ARTICLES: JAMES MORGAN editor; FICTION:
ALICE к. TURNER edilor; TERESA GROSCH as-
sociale editor; WEST COAST: STEPHEN RAN
ома. editor; STAFF: WILLIAM J. HELMER,
GRETCHEN MC NEESE, DAVID STEVENS senior edi-
1015; ROBERT E. CARR, WALTER LOWE, JR., [AMES
k. PETERSEN senior slaf] writes; BARBARA
NELLIS, KATE NOLAN, J. F. O'CONNOR, JOHN
KEZEK associate editors; SUSAN MARGOLIS-WIN-
ЛЕК, ТОМ PASSAVANT asociate new york edi
tors; SERVICE FEATURES: TOM OWEN modern
living edilor; FD WALKER, MARC К. WILLIAMS
assistant editors; DAVID PLATT fashion director
MARLA ScHOR assistant editor; CARTOONS:
MICHELLE URRY editor; COPY: ARLENE BOURAS
editor; CAROLYN BROWNE, JACKIE JOHNSON,
MARGY MARCHI, BARI LYNN NASH, CONAN
PUTNAM, DAVID TARDY, MARY ZION researchers;
CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: ASA BABER,
PHEN ыкувлом (Irae), JOHN BLUME
LAWRENCE. 5, DIETZ, LAURENCE GONZALES, LAW-
RENCE GROBEL, ANSON MOUNT, PETER ROSS
RANGE, RICHARD RHODES, JOHN SACK, DAVID
STANDISH, BRUCE WILLIAMSON (movies)

ART

KERIG vore managing director; LEN WILLIS,
CHET SUSKI senior directors; BRUCE HANSEN,
поп POST, ski} WILLIAMSON asociale directors;
THEO KOUVATSOS, JOSEPH PACZEK assistant
directors; sem клык senior art assistant;
PEARL MIURA, ANN SEIDL art assistants; SUSAN
HOLMSTROM traffic coordinator; BARBARA
HOFFMAN administrative manager

PHOTOGRAPHY
MARILYN GRAHOWSKI west coast editor; JEFF
COHEN, JAMES LARSON, JANICE MOSES asociate
editors: FATIY MEAUDET, MINDA KENNEY,
MICHAEL ANN SULLIVAN assistant editors!
RICHARD FEGLEY, POMPEO POSAR staf] photog
тарйет»; MLL ARSENAULT, DON AZUMA, MARIO
CASILLI, DAVID GHAN, NICHOLAS DESCIOSE, PHIL
Lin DIXON, ARNY FREYTAG, DWICHT HOOKER,
X. SCOTT HOOPER, RICHARD IZU1, STAN MALING
OWSKI, KEN MARCUS. contributing photo,
phers; vicki MCCARTY (Los Angeles), JEAN
Penre nOLLEY (Paris), Lisa srewaer (Rome)
contributing editors; james ward color lab
supervisor; ковккт cutus business manager

PRODUCTION
JOHN. masiko director: LAN VARGO manager
MARIA MANDIS азы. Mgr; ELEANORE. WAGNER

JODY JURGETO, RICHARD QUAMTAROLI. assistants

DER SERVICE,
IKICH manager

R
CYNTHIA LACEY

CIRCULATION
RICHARD SMITH director; ALVIN WIEMOLD sub-
scription manager

ADVER
HENRY W. MARKS director

ADMINISTRATIVE
MICHAEL LAURENCE business man $ PATRICIA
галена administrative editor; VAULEYTE
Caubet rights & permissions manager; Wk-
DRED ZIMMERMAN administrative assistant

PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES, INC.
DERICK J. DANIELS president

Panasonic ETECO OS:
ore n anyone
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D
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P

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4l Heard from left to right are: The RF-10,
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in your pocket.

ly 4 Running right alongside it is the

Ў RX-1950, an AM/FM stereo head-
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К)

— recorder that lets you

zi listen to tapes or the

> ER = radio and even record

ба) а. in stereo right from the

-G built-in FM radio.
+ " Next to it, the RQ-J5, our ultra-
« portable cassette player with

stereo headphones. It's like
listening to the world through
rose-colored glasses.

In the classroom, listen to notes

with the RQ-J33. It records monaurally,

which is perfect for note-taking, but it

can play back pre-recorded stereo
tapes when the bell rings.

Whichever model you choose,

choosing a Panasonic Stereo-to-

Go shows everybody you've got

something between your ears.

Panasonic.

just slightly ahead of our time.

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In fiction, Robert Ludlum's
characters use the most
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In fact, Mr.
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He's written nine best selling
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hard way! So I decided to дег
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pere a re отсо сотон

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THE WORLD OF PLAYBOY

in which we offer an insider's look at what's doing and who's doing it

HEF ADVANCES
TO BOARDWALK

At the opening hoopla for
Playboy and Elsinore Cor-
poration's new Atlantic
City casino/hotel complex
are (at left) Elsinore prexy
Joseph J. Amoroso, man-
aging director Jean-Pierre
Delanney, Playboy's Hugh
Hefner, Elsinore V.P. Jay
Pritzker and Playboy board
member Melvyn Klein. Be-
low, David Wynne's im-
pressive new sculpture (at
right) vies for crowd's at-
tention with six-story-high
Rabbit Head balloon.

TERRI WELLES: A WOMAN FOR ALL SEASONS

Below, Terri Welles debuts as 1981 Playmate of the Year at a Playboy Mansion West
reception. She cuddles the men of the hour, Hef and master of ceremonies George
Burns—who's wishing, perhaps, he were 18 again. Welles now heads for a film career.

MISS CHANNING, WE PRESUME

Stockard Channing (above) portrays a
PLAYBOY photo-journalist on location in
Africa in her new film Two in the
Bush, due out soon. Other featured
performers include David Carradine,
Christopher Lee and Hamilton Camp.

WE FOLLOW THE SUN

St. Petersburg, Florida, now boasts a
Playboy Club. Above (from left),
Louis Playboy franchise owner Hersc!
Price, Lorna Luft, Playboy Clubs V.P.
C. Vincent Shortt and co-owner/man-
ager Darrell Wilde party there. No one
тегез early in St. Pete these days.

HEF'S BIRTHDAY
“CALAMITY AWARDS"

This year Hef's birthday-party invitations wel-
comed his best pals to “Hugh M. Hefner's
55th Annual Calamity Awards." In contrast to
ihe decorum of the film industry's Academy
Awards, the enlertainment menu presented
mostly ham and cheesecake, as indicated by
the Jeff Kutash Dancers (right). The golden
dancer plays Oscar, of course. Guests helped
present this year's batch of Нейіе awards.

Introduced as the daughter “who is as close
to Hef as Brooke Shields is to her Calvins,

Christie Hefner grabs Dad's hand (above)
while the big birthday cake sails into view.

Above, 1979 Playmate of the Year Monique
St. Pierre and actor James Caan present a
special award for box-office flops to Roman
Polanski. Caan's 11-year-old niece accept-
ed the award in Polanski's absence. At right,
Gabe Kaplan and Jayne Kennedy team up to
delight the audience and present awards.

THE WORLD OF PLAYBOY

is composer Henry

who conducted the
orchestra in a medley of Hef's
favorite swing-era classics.
Interviewer Regis Philbin
greets actress Christina Cum-
mings, arriving in her and
our favorite getup (right).

Lee Majors grimly cites Hef for Tech-
nical Achievement, an award Hef
earned for his teenage film-produc-
tion debut: Return from the Dead.

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ARTFUL DODGER

It was a joy to read your Junc interview
with Steve Garvey. Although I am not a
baseball Гап, the man's character im-
presses me. He has such a combination
of flexibility, balance and vision that
he would obviously make an outstand-
ing national leader. 1 believe we're mov-
ing into an age of enlightenment, and
such men as Steve Garvey exemplily
that spirit.

Jon Kolber
Minneapolis, Minnesota

I greatly enjoyed the Playboy Inier-
view with Dodgers star Steve Garvey.
It’s probably the first chance we've had
to hear Garvey speak candidly and at
length about himself and his relation-
ships. If he decides to run for oflice
someday, the 3,000,000 fans who fill up
Dodger Stadium every year should put
him over the top in any election.

John Michael
San Pedro,

nia

interview with

Reading you vey
is about as exciting as watching the grass
grow in center field. With all the inter-
esting sports figures around, interviewing
Garvey is like going to Baskin-Robbins
and ordering vanilla.

Steven A. Snook
Syracuse, New York

Thanks for the Steve Garvey inter-
view. Steve handles questions as well as
he handles inside fastballs. He is truly
all-American and а credit to the

David C. Graham
San Dicgo, California

erable base-

s, he now holds a record
that’s even more impressive: He man-
aged to get through an entire Playboy
Interview without once having to use the

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word fucking
liked that man.

an adjective. I knew I

Cira Cosentino
Tuxedo, New York

arvey for Senator? No way! Garvey
for President in 1984!

Leonard Olk
Rockville, Connecticut

Congratulations on an excellent
terview with Garvey. I was a sophomore
at n Tampa
when Steve was a senior there. When he
ays he was a perennial vicepresident,
he isn't kidding. Looking through our
high school yearbook, L note that Steve
was vicepresident of the Inter-Club
Council, which was made up of the vice-
presidents of every other club in the
school!

Robert M. Todd
St. Petersburg, Florida

IN ARMS’ WAY

I was most impressed with Asa Daber's
June article, What You're Not Supposed
to Know About the Arms Race. There
are two sides to every issue and 1 con-
gratulate you Гог presenting one we have
heard little about. The media have been
saturated recently with negative images
of our defense system. It's somewhat
comforting to know we're not in such
n inferior position as some in Wash-
ngton would have us believe. The all-
important question now is: Where is the
policy of the present Administration
taking us?

W. H. Vance
Johnson City. Tennessee

Baber mentions that the Soviets have
to have bigger bombs to compensate for
siles” lack of accuracy. That is
no longer the case. Thanks to ex-Presi-
dent trade agreements to
between the two

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superpowers, the Soviets have been able
to purchase high-technology computers
and software used in designing, pro
gramming and constructing guidance
packages for strategic missiles. The dil-
ference in accuracy between their mis
siles and ours is negligible, especially
when you consider that а 95-megaton
bomb doesn't have to get very close
The fact is that the U.S. has let its
strategic forces stagnate while the other
side has been constantly introducing
new systems and updating or replacing
old ones. Recent Soviet action in the
arcas of civil defense, industrial disper
sal and underground command centers
points to one unavoidable conclusion—
those bastards actually think they can
win a nuclear war! And it's people like
Baber, with limited knowledge of the
subject, who dabble with numbers and
try to impress people with condusions
that run contrary to what the experts
think. This is a case in which a little
knowledge is dangerous, Baber ought to
leave strategic planning to the experts.
Ron Machado
Columbia, South Carol

Asa Baber should be commended on
the objectivity of his article. As no one
can argue, in a nuclear war between us
and them, everyone gets screwed. But
one important “what if” was conspicu-
ously absent—what if there's а non.
nuclear war? In that case, only wc get
screwed.

Neil Dacey
Oxford, Ohio

Only a free society could spawn a
citizens’ watchdog group as loyal and
motivated as the Center for Defense
Information. PLAYBOY deserves an "Аца
boy" for the wide distribution of What
You're Not Supposed to Know About
the Arms Race. In ап open-vs-closed-
society confrontation, ГЇЇ bet my money
(and life) on the open society any day

Alan R. King. Ensi
United States N
San Diego, С;

al Air Station
fornia

I've got news for Asa Baber. He needs
to read some history. A high rate of
homosexuality in an Army doesn't in
dicate a weak Army

Don Bohn
Windsor, California

Baber replies:

1 stand corrected. A high rate of homo-
sexuality probably doesn't make for a
“weak” Army—shall we say it’s an Army
al odds with itself?

BLOODY BUSINESS

When Business Becomes Blood Sport,
by Michael Korda (ptaynoy, June), is
very deliberate
somewhat misleading. In the soap-opera
world in which the article takes place,

ad colorful but is also

the lion, or survivor, destroys the sheep.
1n reality, the “me” decade is over and
years of corporate social responsibility
and, in turn, employee loyalty Не ahead.
Tim Shelford
Indianapolis, Indiana

SPECTACULAR CATHY
I want to congratulate you for featur-
ing a bespectacled Playmate in June.
tely 50 percent of the female
n requires visual correction, so
it's about time! I, for onc, am turned
on by a girl in specs. Cathy
i once and lor all u
arker line "Men seldom make
passes at girls who wear glasses.”
(Name and address
withheld by request)

What a stunning discovery youve
made this time! 1 am speaking. of course.
of your June Playmate, Cathy Larmouth.
ut beauty, you've
telligent woman's hon-
esty, sincerity and outstanding sense of
humor. Being 27 myself, I just love that
“oldy but goody"! Tell me, how do you
get to June Lake from Oxnard?

‘Tim Golden
Oxnard, California

Along with her clear
discovered an

Cathy Larmouth wonders, "Don't you
think 27 is too old to be a Playmate?"
Cathy, I'll be 27 in July—wanna retire
together?

Corky Gillis
Yonkers, New York

There is only one word for Cathy Lar-
mouth, and that is tremendous. I have
never before seen anyone as beautiful
and well endowed as she. And her won-
derful down-to-carth attitude is an added
premium,

Robert Taylor

Inver Grove Heights, Minnesota

As ап environmental-cducation teach-
er, 1 feel compelled to bring forth some
very important information concerning
Cathy Larmouth. She is a definite asset
to the Sierras. Granted, it’s nice to look.
at the mountains and the lakes, but
Cathy adds something special that out-
shines even the great outdoors.

Scott Gediman
North Hollywood, California

Unbelievable! I met Cathy Larmouth
only one week after seeing her in your
fine magazine, and it was the highl
of my life. She is just а uli
person as she is in pictures. Cathy is the
next Playmate of the Year!

Jefl Hairfield
Richmond, Virginia

beaut

Twe seen my perfect "10" in Cathy
Larmouth. If you could show me just

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PLAYBOY

one more picture of this perfect Play-
mate, you would satisfy me forever!
James Rooney
Rocky Hill, Connecticut
James, we've told you a million times
not to hyperbolize. We're glad to grant

your plea for another look at lovely
Miss Larmouth, but don't come around
in 80 years or so asking for another onc.

WOMAN OF THE YEAR
Congratulations on your choice for
ymate of the Year. Terri Welles is
undoubtedly the most beautiful woman
ever to grace the pages of your magazine.
Frank Warner
La Fayette, New York

Terri Welles was the only choice for
Playmate of the Year. One look at her is
evidence of that. Never has a woman
been more deserving of the honor. Con-
gratulations, Terri!

Stephen Jamison
St. Petersburg, Florida

Terri Welless allure is unprecedent-

ed—Leonardo, you should be here now.
Robert K. Larson.

Upper Marlboro, Maryland

Terri's beauty and independence and
her ability to fend for herself are but а
few qualities we men of the Eighties
should look for and appreciate in the
women of the new decade
Richard Brognara
Syracuse, New York

Here's my nomination of Terri Welles
s Playmate of the Millennium. Beauti-
ful photography by Phillip Dixon!

Mark Jackson
Searcy, Arkan:

I just received my Playmate of the
Year issue and saw to my dismay that

you had messed up. On page 162. you
say, “For а look at Terri's gifts, turn to
page 195." You should have said. “turn
to pages 163, 161, 165, 166, 167, 168,
169, 170, 171, 172 and 173."

Ron Cully

Spokane, Washington

I would like to compliment you on
your complementary coupling of the
best-looking women and the best pho-
tographers in the business. Your crews
could beat anybody elses. And Terri
Welles is the most gorgeous female since
Cleopatra

Frank Labis, Jr
Lorain, Ohio

From her May 1980 cover to being
chosen Playmate of the Year, Terri
Welles has blossomed into a tremendous
example of Femina americana. If this in-
crease in raw beauty on the part of the
Amcrican female keeps occurring at such
a phenomenal speed, I'm sure the cardi-
acarrest rate among American males will
go through the roof. What a way to go!

T. J. McCloud
Gaylord, Michigan

PLAYBOY . . . when you're good, you're
perfect. Terri Welles is a stupendous
choice for Playmate of the Year. Please—
just one more heart stopping look at her.
Michael Johnson

Humble, Texas
Here's the requested fibrillating photo

of Terri, our 1981 pacemaker. She's put
eros through many a heart.

A LYNX FOR THE KILLING?

In your June issue, there are some
favorable comments on А Whale for
the Killing. coproduced by Playboy Pro-
ductions. Playboy should be commended
for such a fine endeavor. I note in the
same issue the gift of a "baby belly lynx

coat" to Playmate of the Year Teri

Welles. I think that's in poor taste.
Angela Williams
Florissant, Missouri

Alter all of the fine causes PrAvsoy
has the past, I find its
complicity in making a coat of baby
lynx to be very disappointing.

Kym O'Connell
Brandon, South Dakota

defended in

The idea of killing a wild animal
solely for the purpose of adornment has
always been abhorrent to me, and the
support of such activities seems contrary
to my perception of the rLAvmov phi-
losophy
PLAYDOY's position. Do you defend only
certain wild species, among them whales,
dolphins and lynx, as long as your abil-
ity to endow your Playmates with gifts
is not inhibited?

Perhaps І have misunderstood

Kathryn Graham
Davis, California
The gift was well intentioned but ill-
advised. Pelt us with letters no longer;
there will be no more animal skins—
endangered or even threatened (the lynx
is considered “potentially threatened” )—
given to Playmates of the Year.

HOG WILD
James R. Petersen states in his Future-
bikes piece in the June rravmor, “At
some point in the next few years, the
men who make motorcycles will create a
classic that will last for all time." Well,
some good engineers made that bike in
1903, and theyre still making bikes to-
day. They're Harley-Davidson.
Mike Poole
Ouumwa, Iowa.

І just finished Petersen's Futurebikes
and the most suitable comment is, “He
doesnt know shit from granola.” Peter-
sen brings to light some “exciting” new
developments and shows us his stable of
“stateolthe-art™ motorcycles. The dis-
ing thing is that all of his bikes but
one are rice grinders. Not once does he
mention America’s motorcycle, the Har-
ley-Davidson. So what if Harley doesn't
have an on-board computer? If you can't
even keep track of your side stand,
you've got no business on two wheels.
In an cra in which our transportation
dustry is struggling against the on-
slaught of Japanese imports, this is my
advice: Buy a legend; buy American;
buy Harley-Davidson. Ride free.
David Myers
ап Dicgo, California

Petersen теріс
You can vide your hogs, boys, and ГЇЇ
ride my Japanese bikes. Catch me if

you can.

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A Reviewers Notebook

THE HYPE REPORT ON MALE SEXUALITY

who is shere hite and why is she saying
all these bad things about sex?

A scholar noted that history
belongs to the man who writes it. If
that is the case, the sexual revolution
is in serious trouble. Just take a look at
the New York Times bestseller list.
Men in Love, a collection of fantasies,
was written by a
plained, “Many of these fantasies were
more than I wanted to hear. Why, they
were filth! Letter after letter left me
with a feeling that | wanted to wash
my hands. I often did."

And then along came Shere

The Hite Report on Male Sexuality is
the latest fabrication of lay sex expert
Shere Hite, whose previously published
work was The Hite Report on Female
Sexuality. The book is 1129 pages long.
Lying on its side, it measures some nyo
inches, front to back. A woman looked
at the tome and commented, “1 didn't
realize there was that much male sex
ity in America. 1 think I would have
heard.” We have to agree. Knopf paid
Hite a six-figure advance to prepare this
work. The first printing is 195.000 copies,
with a cover price of 519.95 (the same as
James Clavell's Noble House, which at
least has a plot). Given the investment in
it, this book is guaranteed a place on the
bestseller list. In America, science is
spelled with a capital 5. A lot of people
are going to read this book, or at least
the good pars and take it for fact
Nothing could be more of a mistake. It
isam book, filled with misin-
formation and political cant. And it's
depressing. Tt gives sex a bad name.

The book is modeled after Hite’s
study of female sexuality, The author
sent out 119,000 questionnaires to men’s
groups, church groups, homosexuals,
Penthouse readers, men who had read
the first Hite Report and men who read
Sexology magazine. Some 7239 men sent
in their replies to 168 essay questions.
"The questions read a bit like a prosecut-
ing attorney's interrogation: you can
almost hear Dan Rather zeroing in for
the kill. "Have you ever raped a wom
an? If not, have you ever wanted to rape
a woman? Why?” Nice. Upbeat. No
wonder so many of the answers are a bit
on the defensive side.

Hite's study of female sexuality re-
ceived a lot of criticism from sociobiolo-
gists, who claimed that the women who
answered the questionnaire were not a
representative sample; i.e., they did not

once

woman who com

licious

By JAMES R. PETERSEN

form a perfect cross section of the U.S.
We were mot particularly bothered by
that—we have never dated а represent

tive sample, only individuals. The chance
to listen to more than 3000 individual
women sound olf about sex w: n educ;
tion, albeit a biased one. Unfortunately
we are not as tolerant of the male sam-
ple. We're not sure we want a study of
male sexuality to be based on the pecul-
tastes of Penthouse readers. At least
in the first study we learned some inter-
esting things that may or may not have
been true. For instance, Hite made a
big deal out of women’s inability to
reach orgasm during intercourse. She
said that fewer than 30 percent of the
women ever enjoyed the experience, the
rest required "direct manual clitoral
stimulation." Nothing more, nothing
less. We sort of doubted that figure—
maybe we had just been blessed by re.
ceptive women. We also learned that for
апу women, penetration was the swcet-
est part of intercourse. Hite dismissed
these women, stating, "Orgasm on entry
of the penis . . . in this way of having
orgasm during intercourse, the orgasm
is actually in progress as entry occurs,
nd therefore is not listed in the statisti-
cal tables. Orgasm during intei
course is more of a victory by virtue
of a ‘technicality’ than by anything
having purely to do with the presence

of the penis in the vagina." Clearly,
this is а woman who plays fast and loose
with statistics. We envisioned Hite in a
black-and-white-striped shirt, blowing a
whistle on two lovers. “Penalty. That
orgasm was invalid. That backfield was
in motion and there was no direct m
ual clitoral stimulation.” We were not
surprised to find the same misrepresenta
tion in the male study. Consider the fol
lowing: Nincty-nine percent of the men
who answered the questionnaire liked
intercourse and 100 percent of the gen-
eral sample did not want to change a
thing. When Hite organized her unedit-
ed replies, she gave us 16 pages on why
men like intercourse and 75 pages on
why men don’t like intercourse. If the
facts don't fit her argument, ignore
them. Hite makes unsubstantiated claims
throughout the book. She insists that
very few men know where the clitoris is;
indeed, that they have only a theoretical
grasp of it and that they do not attend to
it during foreplay or cunnilingus. Ac-
cording to the statistics in the back of
the book, 88 percent of the men who
answered the questionnaire. said that
they loved cunnilingus. Yeah, team. And
yet Hite claims that only 32 percent do it
well enough or long enough for their
partners to reach orgasm. We searched
the questionnaire and the answers. No-
where did we find the source of that
statistic, It is thinair reportage.

The first Hite Report was worth the
read, just for the variety of techniques
that women found exciting, things we
had never heard about in high school
Slowing down as they approached or-
gasm. Listening to the vocals. This book
contains a [ew odd facts about men's
desires, (If we had to characterize men's
sexuality, we would say that they aren't
afraid to experiment, to push to the
edge—on themselves, if not their part-
ners.) Thirty-one percent had had anal
stimulation. Twenty-four percent some-
times included anal stimulation in mas
turbation. Sixtyseven percent wished
that their partners would fondle their
testicles during intercourse; 16 percent,
the anus. We know enough about men
to know that few, if any. have com-
municated those desires to their partners.
If women read about it here, all power
to them

In the book on female sexuality, Hite
reduced sex to the purely mechanical,

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the manipulation of a few square inches
of body, and claimed that without direct
stimulation, orgasm was impossible and
any man who thought he had pleased his
woman was a sexist rube. We beg to
differ. Hite's viewpoint seemed degrad
ing, mechanistic. Many of the men in
this book are puzzled by the mystery of
а woman's orgasm and don't really both
er to see whether or not it's orthodox.
‘They know that it can happen any time,
for many reasons. Maybe you have been
on the road for a week, and you've
talked about it, and she comes as soon as
you walk through the door. We've s
women reach orgasm by dancing, while
giving head to men or women, while ex
periencing anal intercourse—all without
the mons-to-pubis bone-grinding specta
cle of Hites model of direct clitoral
stimulation

At times, Hite's politics reaches the
ridiculous—she really ms to want to
make men into strange bedfellows. She
talks about the patriarchal society. sug
gesting that men’s orgasms are enshrined,
We had an orgasm enshrined once. It
hurt like hell. Consider the following
Intercourse at once one of the most
beautiful and, at the same time, the
most oppressive and exploitative acts in
our society. It has been symbolic of
men’s owncrship of women, for approx
imately the last 3000 years. It is the
central symbol of patriarchal society
without it there could be no patriarchy
Intercourse culminating in male orgasm
in the vagina is the sublime moment
during which the male contribution to
reproduction takes place. This is the
reason for its glorification. And as such
men must love it: Intercourse is a cele
bration of the male patriarchal society."
Oh. really. Later she claims that “inter
course for a man has the whole force
of а society's approval behind it,” and.
later. “The man has society behind him.
encouraging him to have his orgasm.”
"That's an awfully crowded bedroom.

Hite has tried to make us feel guilty
about the way we make love. She tries to
blame all male sexuality оп anger. She
attacks the male tendency to thrust, by
saying that it is a cultural relic, that it is
not natural. After all, men do not thrust
during masturbation, they merely run
their hand up and down the shaft of the
penis. That's ridiculous, too. As we sce it,
what man has learned from masturba-
tion he applies to intercourse, without
thinking. Hite wants to make us (сеї
guilty about how easily we go [rom A to
Z. She claims that culture keeps women
from following the same path: If the
clitoris is so important, why don't more
women find ways of incorporating it into
intercourse? Must we do everything? We
really aren't holding them back anymore,
nor are we angry. If we can't meet as

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THE ONE AND ONLY

PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS

EASY COME, EASY GO

The old file-inthe-cake routine has
been one-upped. A guard at Pennsyl-
vania’s Montgomery County Prison hap
pened to lean against а tacked-up Pla
mate centerfold that was decorating
cell wall. And he discovered a little
more give than is usual in your ave
two-and-a-half-foot-thick stone w
Playmateloving inmates һай man
about two and

to scrape an escape hole

a half feet wide and eight inches deep
before being caught flagrante. They

thought their plan was foolproof; after
all, who would ever suspect PLAYBOY of
being involved in a cover-up?

HOLDING THEIR OWN
Brachioproctic eroticism is the dinical,
perhaps more tasteful term for what
advocates romantically refer to as fist
fucking, The practice is proli
According to a report in the
Journal of Sexual Medicine,
in a survey of homosexuals in San Fran-
cisco, estimate that 50,000 pcople, mostly
men, keep their hand in. The only
interesting footnote to all this is that
out of a group of 102 brachioproctic
respondents to а questionnaire, 17 well-
hecled young men reported penetration
by a foot, too. Afterward, they undoubt-

edly felt foot-loose and fancv-frec.

rating
British

researchers,

BUT CAN HE TYPE?

How soon they forget. When Waler
Mondale applied to the District of Co-
lumbia Bar Association, William H.
Morris, director of admissions for the
National Conference of Bar Examiners,
decided not to take any chances. He
wrote to the White House, asking for
official verification” of the applicant's
daim that he had “served as Vice-Presi-
dent of the United States from 1977 to
1981.” White House counsel Fred Е.

Fielding, playing it by the book, replied
"Please be advised
is difficult, as the former tenants of our
building, January 20, 1977-January 20,
1981, did not leave behind a record
upon which one could rely. However,
upon information and belief, I feel fair-
ly confident that the data as to the par-
ticular applicant is accurate.

‘official verification’

GOD BLESS ME

If she wants to be a pop star but can't
get signed to a record label, what's a
struggling chanteuse to do? If she’s
Judith Dow, 43-year-old heiress to the
Dow Chemical fortune, she invests more
than $100,000 іп a record and manu-
factures it herself. Displaying a bit of
chemistry of her own, Judy took the
stage at the St. Regis in New York re-
cently to promote her new-found career.
Her windpipes housed in a size-22 gown,
she belted out God Bless America before

dec
Smit

Judy, who rivals Kate at least in size,
is also secking to rival her idol in choice
of material. Her LP is called I Love
America and is filled with superduper
patriotic songs. The fact that she has
enough money to produce, record and
distribute her long p
doesn't mean that Ann Arbor's own Miss
Judy thinks she's got it made in the mu-
sic world. "New Yorkers don't care how
rich are or what family youre
from," she theorized at her coming-out
party. “You've gotta be good. Other-
wise . . . back to Ann Arbor" Either
that or buy New York.

g. "I want to be the new Kate

er, however,

you

GRIN AND FERRET

Medical experiments on cuddly cre:

ing an

uur€s are currently cau: uproar
with animal lovers, but we've found a
case where the experimentee actually

managed to get the upper paw on its
human captors. According to the Journal
of the American Medical Association
recent series of experiments concerning
respiratory diseases required a ferret to
be injected with a strange virus. Follow
ing the injection and a short incubation
period, a doctor who gave the little
critter the shot returned to the lab and
took the animal out of its cage to check
for watery eyes and other symptoms. The
ferret promptly got even: He sneered
into the doctor's face. The doctor quick-
ly fell ill with the virus.

WHAT A GAS

They never told you about cases like
this on Dragnet. On а stakeout in Man-
hattan, a group of fire marshals sat
huddled in a van, peering through a
special one-way mirror at a group of
buildings thought to be the next victims
of a local arsonist's touch. When the
arsonist struck, they'd be ready. Since

PLAYBOY

secrecy and surprise are the key words
n such operations, the marshals didn't
leave the “empty” van all day. As a
result, they had to sit and gnaw their
lower lips when a local yokel walked up
to their vehide with a fivegallon drum
and siphoned all the gas out of the
tank. Figuring that this guy might be
their firebug. the boys in the bus waited
to pounce. But it was not to be, The
guy just walked over to his car, poured
in the gas and drove away. The marshals
had to wait until after dark to radio fire
department headquarters for some more
gas. Fill ‘er up, Danno.

GETTING TRUNK

Among rugby players. there's been this
sort of tradition, see, of following a
hard day on the field with an evening
of drinking and bawdy songs. and doing
the clephant walk. Each player strips,
then puts one hand between his legs so
that the person following him can hold
on, forming a chain of singing and
dancing human elephants. Keen, huh?
The Nowe Dame University ruggers
thought so, and 30 of them. performed
a post-game gavotte in a bar in Houston
last spring.

Acting on a call fom an outraged
anonymous tipster. miffed school officials
promptly punished the pranksters, in
the classic Catholic school style. They
kicked them out of the rugby dub for
good and threatened them with expul-
sion if they ever take off their clothes
again “at a public or semipublic occa
sion." To atone for guilt by association.
team members not ousted in the wild
elephant purge won't be going on any
more club trips and their post-game
act 1 be closely watched for a
probationary period of two years.

An ousted elephant walker has vowed
10 somehow "get around" the stiff реп
Чех. Says he: "We may mot be Notre
Dame rugby players anymore. but we're
still rugby players. We're going to play
together, because we love the game and
the relationships that accompany it.”
ot to mention the view.

INTERESTING DEPOSITS
First Gime the Women’s Bank in New
York; and now. after more than а у
of hustling investors, Atlas Savings, the
world’s first gay savings and loan. has
come out of the closet and will soon be

wide-open for deposits. The lavender
lending institution, based, of course, in
Si rancisco. sold 160.000 shares of

ach to 2000 investors.
Atlas met Cal 5s 52,000,000 «
ation requir by harnessin
tential stockholders at benefits in |
and discos all over the state.

Curiously, the president. and. C.E.O.
of Adas, Jerry Flanagan. is straight. But
the S & L will have a distinctly gay flavor,
says John A. Schmidt, the 50-year-old

stock at $12.50

pital-

chairman and organizer of Atlas. "Many
gays tell us they feel they'll receive more
objective treatment from a financial
institution owned and operated by gay
people," he says. "Gays have been over-
looked by most of the savings and loan
industry" There is no truth to the
rumor that the institution will pass out
three-dollar bills.

CHECKING IN

Robert Grane caught up with the con-
stantly-in-molion Chevy Chase at his
office [apartment above Sunset Strip in
Los Angeles. Crane reports: “Chase swal-
lowed a whole sandwich in one bile,
gulped some Gatorade, belched and
stared al me as though 1 were а televi-
ston-camera lens."

PLAYBOY: Do wealth and success numb а
comedian's funny bone? Is it better to
stay hungry?

case: Uh. no. It’s better to stay numb
and never be hungry. | suppose you
Yt observe as much if you
served. by others. You may be a little
morc sellconscious. You tend to
away from situations and places that
may have given you input Ior your writ-
ing or your comedic perspective. My
humor's still there. Its just as bad as it
always wa
PIAYBOY: Why are black comedians n
urally funnier than white comedians?
cuase: They're scared to death. You
vot to laugh your way out of anything
Theyre not only naturally funni
their timing is better
nd I want them to leave me alone. T
he:
z

ously, I believe Richard. Гус never seen
overproof rum, but ГЇЇ be damned if VIL
smoke around a lot of Jamaican resorts
in the bar area.

е ob-

stay

they're quicker

riaysoy: What, for you, is the perfect
environment in which to create and per
form comedy?

cuase: The best time to write is when
Im alone, and Fm just here with my
paper and stuff, and the TV is on. I've
got a gimlet or something in front of
me. Its that time when you suddenly
find you've let your breath out. Youre
not really concentrating on anything
and something pops into your head and
you just start writing. That's invariably
the time that I do my best work. But

I'm not performing. I'm just writing in
my living room, leaving a mess for my
secretary later.

As a location, Chad is my favorite
place to perform. The people there are
more receptive. You can't get to them as
ily. but they'll laugh at anythi
PLAYBOY: Docs a comedy mind get better
or worse with ag
cnask: Neither. The ears get closer to
gether. Seriously, it’s all physical. As you
get older, you understand the relation-
ships between your physical, rhythmic
moves and the adult world. As you get
too old, you can't make the physical
moves, but you're wiser about the ones
you made Carlier, can
about them better, perhaps. Your mind
just understands better why you're not
as funny as you get older. Look, Bob
Hope is still about as funny as he ever
was. I just never thought Bob Hope was
that funny in the first place. On the
other hand. 1 think he's a genius in some
ways. He is one of the [ew people in
the world able to do
what they do this long, consistently. 1
worked with him once at a dinner and
I was amazed. His timing is impeccable
He knows what's right for him. George
Burns is still quite funny, really. He has
great style.
rrAYBOY: If you were to create a comedy
utopia, who would be ideal couples
statesmen and leaders?
cuasr: The comedy utopia. of course
would have to have its own Jim Jones
Td be he. The rest of the population
would have to put up with all kinds of
Gatorade air raids every day. The utopia
would be called Chasctown. It would be
like we were all inside a glass house from
which we could throw stones. We could
move the house around all through cities
and just laugh at everybody and tell
jokes about them and what we see.
LAYBOY: What is your advice to the
other original members of the Saturday
Night Live show, now that they're on
their own?
силе: Get a job.
pLayroy: How about John Belusl
cuase: Use an ointment
лувоу: Ш you could have your own
telethon, what would it be like?
case: Short—about a half hour. Vd
see how much money | could

па you write

who have been

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PLAYBOY

THE FIRST PUNK
SURF LEXICON

Remember gremmie (a beginner
surfer) or ho-dad (a showy Sunday
surfer)? No one else connected. with
y's surfing scene does. The New
Wave surf lingo may put a permanent
ding in your confidence. Compton
Maddux, a writer and musician and
author of such surf standards as Run
Right Back and Catalina Holiday, те-
cently returned from Southern C;
fornia with the first dispatches fr
the language front: Don't go out on
the beach until you learn these vital
terms

Belts on: An aggressive attitude ol
sexually aroused inhabitants of the
bi zone (dry beach). Example: “Be
careful, those protruders got their
belts on.

Bi zone: The sexual free-fire zone,
that arca of (dry) beach above the
high-tide mark where anything goes.
Archaic beach, sand.

Creweut: A surler who's built like a
truck, has short hair and a low 1.0.

Archaic: bod, hunk.
Debbie: A naive girl who doesn
actually surt. She aspires to mate and

date a whip or wavemaster.

Female equivalent of a whip,
а surfer girl but aggressive. Competes
with whips. Example: "That feline
is going tooth and claw [really push-

Getting fuzry: The organic dete
tion of a low-water-mark inhabitant
for whom surfing is a bad drug. One
of the telltale characteristics of the
condition is that he no longer preens,
(Sce Zinnia.)

Gregging: Getting together (as i
congregating) for social or sexua
activity. A dryland activi
socializing is termed “ Я
ample: “Let's greg and then surf.”

d; rich entr:

Hughes As in How.
preneurs who seek to guide talented
whips and felines into merchandising

n TV and radio. "They usual
d wear quick-dry

The sound of a board

in the same way "feeling groovy" was.

torial
t protruder
lays a hand on that debbie, that whip
is gonna kick some sand."

Marti Complete strangers, fre
quently from the Midwest, who vi
the bi zone.

Martinis: Lushes from Burbank and
Beverly Hills.
Preener: A sandy-haired narcissist

whose per
gende:

nal architecture puts his
in limbo. He thinks a surf
a hood ornament lor the
ego. Archaic: ho-dad.

Protruder: A dominant male with a
big one who cruises and peruses the
bi zone in search of the perfect cle;
age. Archaic: bad guy, bulge,

adder.

gusting per-
t protruder is so

Psyche: The absolute apex of the surf
rchy; wavemaster. He lives in the
а beyond the myth-

Big Kahun:

Queniveres: These arc teenage sex
Kittens who cruise the bi zone solicit-
ing paternity suits to belted Hughes
Archaic: foxes, purrs.

Rigids
protruders who can mo longer greg
ely. Archaic: Eskimo pies.

Sexually frosted debbies or

effecti

Scuff: To cruise languidly in the bi
zone; wander aimlessly

g Wh

zone ritual

nvolving

transit board exchange; to share or
trade.
Whip: A heavy competitor, but with-

One who wants to be
signed up by a Hughes. Hopes that
his na

trad

out ideals.

me will become a registered.
k.

White zone: Arca of peril; the howl-
nfinite: where the waves are.
Archaic: heavy water, nature.

An immobile rigid or human
crusted in barnacles and seaweed
derelict. Both prunes and rigids are
more visible at high tide.

“Let's take a look at that tote board!
Four thousand dollars! Thank you and
goodbye, everybody. It’s been a real
workout.” An interesting telethon would
be one in which we'd return all the
money that had been given for some-
thing that had now been cured—an cx-
haustive week-long ir in which the
tote board lost money. Sammy Davis Jr
would kindly consent not to appear.
PLayBoy: What do you say during sex?

I've beer
in fact.
лувоү: Have you ev
ап orgasm?

CHASE: Doesn't €

told not to. Told during sex,

laughed during

body? Personally,

Im much more introverted. For me, I
just sort of lightly chuckle or giggle.

PLAYBOY: Do you do physical comedy

You'll just have to watch.
PLAYBOY: Uh, is there а
wood you want to make it with?

CHASE: Rod Stewart.

eravmov: Were you really an original
ember of Steely Dan?
Сил: I was his right arm. The real
truth is I was never with the group
Steely Dan when it was called Steely
Dan. I played in college with Donald
Fagen and Walter Becker. It's basically
the same guys, but they were not doing
nearly as well then and I'm а better
drummer now, too.

MONKEY BUSINESS

Before the Cultural Revolution of the
late Sixties, Chinese scientists һай tried
imp mpanzee with hun
sperm to create a "near-human ape"
pable of performing anything from me-

rous space mission

Apparently, those bizarre experiments
may be resumed. In an interview in the
Shanghai newspaper Wen Hut Bao, Dr.
Ji Yor iang defended the use of hu-
man sperm to develop а new species on
the grounds that sperm is produced in
bundant. quantities, "and most of it is
wasted, anyway."

PRAYING PARDNERS
If you happen to be driving down
Highway
ngs. keep a lookout for the Aircadia
That is, if the spirit
moves you, You'll sce a billboard, flanked
by a couple of fellows astride horses
dressed in their Sunday saddles. It reads
сомвоу сишкси. .. . Соте as you а
worship in your car or on horseback,
presumably. Services are held every Sun
day morning during the summer months
and feature the Pikes Rangercties Drill
Team and, of course, an “inspirational
2” Wouldn't hurt to say a prayer
igger. God only knows what it's
like to spend eternity with Dale and
Roy. Whinny if you love Jest

outside Colorado

East

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SE б down the beast, |

a fierce wild boar the Igorot call bari-outang.

We built a fire of driftwood at the water's edge,
and soon the sweet aroma of bari-outang chops
grilling over the embers filled the surrounding
air. We'd set a supply of San Miguel Beer to chill
in the crystal-clear water, and as I waded in to
retrieve a few bottles I could feel a soft mist from
the nearby falls.

Contented beyond our dreams, we feasted
on mangoes, baked yams, bari-outang, and
quenched our thirst with the cool, lively taste
of San Miguel. Z

As the sun descended we dranka toast
I remember well: “Here's to warm island breezes
and cold San Miguel” 4

Inspired iby J Jules Verne's 20.000 Leagues. finder the
And the rich, rewarding taste of San Міра.

ohn Brooks in Showing Off in America

(Little, Brown) applies Thorstein
Veblen's 1899 theory of the leisure class
in America to today’s лу. (Veblen's
great discovery? That “snobbery and
social pretense play not a peripheral
but a central, even dominant, role in
shaping the life of a socially democratic
society.") Brooks examines the U.S.A. in
the Eighties—the way we eat, talk, play
games, work, drink, dress, find friends,
worship, love—through the Veblen focus
and finds that dass distinctions run
rampant through our supposedly egali-
tarian country. This book is humorous,
revealing, startling and, as Brooks re-
ports Veblen's life and misdemeanors,
touching. A radical work wrapped in
unique perceptions.

Irwin Shaw is not given to a great
deal of description. He is concerned
with events, and his new
compact chronology of a year's worth
of early Eighties. Protagonist Allen
Strand, a careful, middle-aged school-
teacher, comes of age during that year
and soon realizes that the new era is
not exactly to his liking. Bread ороп the
Waters (Delacorte) is something of a
toast to Strand, a man of gentler times
who finds himself overtaken by contem-
porary America. He begins the novel on
a comfortable stroll through Central
Park and winds up at the steps of the
Waste Land. While many of Shaw's char-
acters seem to fit convenient slots—and
often talk they're aware of it—the
frightened and sensitive voice behind the
book is worth hearing out.

If you're looking for a fastmoving
suspense story, pick up best-selling au-
thor Dorothy Uhnak's new novel, False
Witness (Simon & Schuster). Uhnak's her-
oine, Lynne Jacobi, is bureau chief of
the New York City District Attorney's
Office and her prospects for stepping into
the head spot look bright—until the
attempted murder of a well-known TV
personality. Lynne’s efforts to solve the
brutal crime are frustrated by interfer-
ing media attention. the victim's intru-
sive friends and Lynne's own political
ambitions. There are enough. complexi-
ties to make this seem like real life. And
the quick pace will keep you reading
from the chilling opening scene to the
shattering conclusion.

Tn Paul Erdman’s head, it's 1985 out-
side. Franz Josef Strauss is the new
German chancellor. America has con-
nued its technological advances and
its cultural decline. Germany is tired of
its second-class status and of its flaccid,
namby-pamby allies, the Americans. Ger-
many wants its own finger on the wigger

novel is a

Showing Off: Seeing is believing.

have never forgotten that they were
briefly in the cultural limelight in the
Thirties and Forties. But this book does
not the absolute ring of uth that
Crash did. And we're not sure that's
because of its basic premise. Rather,
it may be that the fall of America is so
imminent that Erdman figured it best
to get the book out while the getting
was good, As fiction, unfortunately, it is
not quite good enough.
б

Three years ago, Fran Lebowitz’ first
collection of humor, Metropolitan Life,
met with rave reviews—including one
here. Social Studies (Random House), һе
second collection, is even better, because
it is sm , older, more refined. The
Four Greediest Cases, for example. is a
ody without any missteps. Lebowitz
still tends to inflate her opening para-

Paul Erdman's newest
apocalyptic fiction;
Showing Off in America,
Eighties style.

Last Days: America's predictable burnout.

of the nuclear gun that points cast to
Russia. So it bribes its way to the latest
cruise-missile technology from a cc
pany in California. In The Last Days of
America (Simon & Schuster), Erdman
vents all his fears for the future

many
of which are as well-founded as were the
ones he brought us in The Crash of 779.
He is best at elaborating on his own
prejudices: The Swiss come off as
eunuch moncy-changers (remember, Erd-
man himself was jailed in Switzerland
for bank irregularities); the French are
goodhearted but basically peasants; the
Germans are smart, a little loutish and

graphs—as though she's warming up.
And she should be whacked on the
knuckles every time she splits her sub-
ject and verb with a polysyllabic adverb.
These things slow down her reader in
getting to the good parts. And there
are so many of them.
°

The cover is great—the image of a
shattered Purple Heart beside the title,
Wounded Men, Broken Promises (Macmillan)
But Robert Klein's investigation of the
Veterans Administration leaves a few
things 10 be desired; namely, a more
rigorous reporting sense and better edit-
ing. Above all else, the cheap shot taken
at Max Cleland, former head of the VA,
wherein it is suggested that Cleland was
fragged in Vietnam (that his own troops
pulled the pin on the hand grenade tl
made him a triple amputee), is an exam-
ple of superficial reporting at its mcan-
est. Nothing is proved, Cleland denies
the charge and Klein's description of
how a hand grenade works is suspect,
but Cleland is not cleared. Which leaves
us where? With the thought that if the
VA is a snake pit, it will take a better
book than this to demonstrate it

Sometimes а book is so good that you
can't do it justice in a review, and tl
the situation with Jacobo Timerman's
Prisoner Without а Name, Cell Without a Num-
ber (Knopl). Born in the Ukraine and
sed im Argentina, Timerman was a
radio and TV commentator, well as
editor and publisher of the newspaper
La Opinión, until his arrest by Argen-
tine authorities on April 15, 1977. He
writes of his imprisonment and torture
(and of the inaction and fear of his
fellow citizens) with vision honed
somewhere on the other side of pain and
mortality. "I have survived, to give tes-
timony," he writes. We would do well
to listen.

here's more excitement in the first ten
minutes of Raiders of the Lost Ark (Par-
amount) than in any movie 1 have sec
all year. Here, the quest is for the long
lost ark of the covenant, а holier-than-
holy object containing the original Ten

Commandments and Lord knows what
else. Screened too late for a timelier re-
view, Raiders by now should be estab-
one of the major cinematic

lished a
events of summer 1981. Steven Spielberg
directed from Lawrence Kasdan's crack-
ling screenplay (story by George Lui
and Philip Kaufman), and that explains
somewhat why the movie combines the
zing of Star Wars with the kinetic exu-
berance of Jaws. The way Spielberg
makes а movie is to synthesize all the
magic, adventure and fantasy dreamed
about by bright little boys who believe
they'll grow up to be Jungle Jim or
James Bond but become cinematic Wun-
derkind instead.

Starring Harrison Ford, as an archae-
ologist who slips off his horn-rims and
behaves like Superman wielding a black-
snake whip. Raiders is a pure celebration
of all the adventure-film clichés ever
committed to celluloid. It's got restless
natives, poisoned arrows, snake pits,
ruthless Nazis (the time is 1936 and
Hitlers henchmen want the ark for
der Führer), booby trapped tombs, secret
chambers, breath-stopping chase scenes
and ancient curses. There's also а won-
derfully madcap heroine, played by
Karen Allen, who's running a low-down
saloon in Nepal when we meet her,
though she joins Ford in order to be
abducted and rescued at regular inter-
vals, usually while wearing soiled wh
gowns. By the time their explosive mis-
adventures end, any moviegoer worth
his salt ought to be cxhausted, delighted
and ready to revel in the. entire show
again. Hang on to your hats. ¥¥¥¥

A preview in July's rrvmov should
have been evidence enough that Mel
Brooks's History of the World—Part 1 (Fox)
would tickle us pink. Granted, our lead-
er, Hugh Hefner, has a camco role com-
plete with toga, and Brooks gives billing
to ten comely Playmates and Playboy
Models cast as vestal virgins. Don't think
that’s what makes the movie funny, but
all helps back up Mel's bits—five al-
together, including one role as a "stand-
up philosopher" called Comicus in
ancient Rome. My own favorite number
is The Inquisition, a rollicking, hysteri-
l, blatantly offensive minimusical full
of toe-tapping priests and tortured Jews,
plus a bevy of aqua-nuns who outswim
Esther Williams. This won't be every-
one's glass of tea. Still, Brooks hasn't
engincered any showstopper so outra-
geous, or so rude, since his Springtime

Raiders' Ford, Allen pursue the lost ark.

Raiders has everything;
Brooks's comic History
stops at nothing.

Barbeau in Big Apple Escape.

for Hitler sequence in The Producers.
From Sid Caesar in the Stone Age to
Harvey Korman in the French Revolu-
tion, History of the World stops at noth-
ing as а broad Borscht Belt send-up of
every costume epic imaginable, Weighed
against the higher achievements of
screen comedy, the movie may be less
than a giant step for mankind, though
Brooks displays some manic off-the-wall
footwork. ¥¥¥

High adventure and high-tech special
effects are upstaged by Sean Connery
in Outland (The Ladd Co./WB), an
exciting space-age recap of such classic
Westerns as High Noon (PLAvsoy's June
issue ran a provocative preview of its

saloon in space). Connery, playing the
U.S. marshal assigned to one of Jupi-
ter’s moons where there is а futuristic
mining town that makes Dodge City
look staid, brings a lot of warmth and
virility to this violent action drama.
Peter Boyle, as the resident bad guy,
and Frances Sternhagen, as a plucky.
profane company doctor who helps Con-
nery figure out where the bodies are
buried—and how, and why—contrib-
ute mightily toward keeping the hard-
ware from becoming the whole show.
Writer-director Peter Hyams, whose pre-
vious output has ranged from Capri-
corn One to the languid Hanover Street,
keeps a steady hand on the controls
here, and Jerry Goldsmith's extraterres-
trial musical score provides appropriate

punctuation—though I often wish, when
my cars start to curl or my seat to

vibrate, that Dolby Sound had never
been invented. All in all, Outland goes
like Gang Busters, with Connery as a
sheriff whose presence assures us The
Force is in his trigger finger. ¥¥¥

In yet another futuristic tingler, Escope
from New York (Avco-Embassy), writer-
director John Carpenter proves once
more that he is a very skillful movie-
maker but not a very astute judge of his
own scripts. Far more ambitious than
either Halloween or The Fog, Escape
from New York has everything else
dicking in on cue—fine effects depicting
Manhattan in 1997 as a kind of maxi-
mumesecurity Devil's Island for vicious
criminals, a flamboyant performance by
Kurt Russell, smashingly dramatic sound-
wack music by Carpenter and Alan
Howarth. One of the flashier new faces
in cinema, best remembered for Used
Cars and TV's Elvis, Russell plays Snake
Plissken, an amoral master crook with a
patch over his eye and no visible scruples,
sent into Manhattan to rescue
the President of the U.S. (Donald Plea-
sence) after Air Force One crashes inside
the walled city. The idea is pretty good,
though Carpenter and his collaborator
Nick Castle fail to develop it much
beyond some
drama. Lee V
Ernest Borgnine.
and Adrienne Barbeau (Mr
by the way) all do their bits to make Fun
City look lethal. Mayor Ed Koch should
be horrified. Otherwise, it's not dull. just
mildly disappointing, for Carpenter does
things so well that he teases his audience
into anticipating a grandly imaginative
adventure, then leaves ‘em wondering at
the end why the really big lift never
me. Yyv.

who

n Sta

ton

P
One of the perennial pleasures of
moviegoing is to sink into a theater seat

You belong where
the Beefeater is.

BEEFEATER GIN. E n
The Crown Jewel of England. `

PLAYBOY

and surrender to a tantalizing yarn,
confident that ace professionals аге in
charge up there. The good vibes come
quickly in Eye of the Needle (UA), a con-
ventional but almost totally satisfying
thriller starring Donald Sutherland. for
my money among the choicest actors in
moviedom. Though skunked out of the
Oscar nomination he richly deserved
for Ordinary People last year, Sutherland
snaps back with a subüe, varied and
strangely touching portrayal of a ruthless
killer in a first-rate adaptation by Stanley
Mann of Ken Follett’s best seller about
a German spy in Britain during the
D-day build-up of World War Two. As
the implacable Faber, who seems to have
а wild animal's instinct for danger
whenever his pursuers draw nigh, Suther-
land knocks off numerous adversaries
without a blink of remorse until, at last,
he is marooned on an English coastal is-
land with a bitter, legless former R.A.F
pilot (Christopher Cazenove), the pilot's
young son and his unhappy wife (Kate
Nelligan). What develops is а kind of
spy-who-loved-me tale of a passionate
woman and the mysterious stranger
whose relationship is explored with
probing delicacy—though not to the
exclusion of a wham-bam climax that’s
astonishing on several counts, signifi
cantly for fine work by Nelligan, a
Canadian-born stage actress who matches
Sutherland's tour de force with some
virtuosity all her own. Director Richard
Marquand, winner of a 1972 Emmy
for thc TV series The Scarch for the
Nile, maintains an easy balance be
tween sheer suspense and simple human
ity. Admirers of the novel (which 1 had
never read) assure me the screenplay
sticks closely to the original, though
there's much less to the
intelligence man on Faber's trail, even
with England's top-notch Ian Bannen in
the part. No matter. Eye of the. Needle
has the sure holding power of a book
you can't put down. УУУУ
.

Mythical gods and goddesses muck
round with mere mortals in Clash of the
Titans (MGM/UA), an escapist comic
strip masquerading as a movie. with
distinguished actors as deities. There's
Laurence Olivier doing Zeus, Claire
Bloom as Hera, Ursula Andress as Aph-
rodite, Maggie Smith as Thetis (getting
1 the best lines, maybe because her
husband, Beverly Cross, wrote the screen-
play). Special.effects wizard Ray Harry-
hausen doubled as coproducer, and his
effects аге spectacular—trom Pegasus the
winged horse to the monster Kraken,
Stygian witches and a chilling Medusa.
Everyone's favorite human character is
apt to be Ammon (Burgess Meredith), a
Greek poet who keeps vowing to pen
some iambics about all this. I could have
done without the cutesy golden owl
amed Bubo, a creature hatched from
ancient myth according to Disney, so

tention pa

Sutherland stalking in Needle.

A skillful thriller,
a gaggle of Greek gods

anda

агіоиѕ gross-out.

Cheech weighing matters in Dreams.

calculated a crowd pleaser you can prac-
tically hear the movie moguls telling one
another that all they need now is a lov-
able, salable beeping cousin of R2-D2.
Varying widely from tongue-in-cheek wit
to arrant foot-in-themouth idiocy, Clash
has its moments as а quest film, and has
a personable hero and heroine in Harry
Hamlin (Ursula’s main man offscreen) as
Perseus and Judi Bowker as Androm-
eda. Thanks to Zeus, nearly all the
characters wind up with their names on
y constellations and that's cosmic, 1
‚ though the movie has no consist-
ent style—lacking the grandeur to be
taken seriously, yet too earnest and
pedestrian to succeed as high camp. ЖУ
Ё

There is no sane and responsible way
to review Cheech & Cheng's Dreams
(Columbia). C&C grow. They're
raunchy, They play a pair of brain-
damaged dope pushers who make jokes
about drinking “piña colonics.” They
make me laugh a lot, damn ‘em. Their
comedy ains to reach the lowest common
denominator and gets there fast, with no
redeeming social values, which may well
corrupt the nation's moral fiber (ap-
plause, more choked laughter) They
m to be inventing the gags as the
camera rolls, which is a sloppy way to
do things, yet at moments their method
produces a kind of high surreal mad-
ness—the profane poetry of Cheech,
wonderfully photographed wearing a
strait jacket in solitary confinement, do-
ing incredible maneuvers because his
alls itch. This should not be funny and
nly indicates how far screen humor

certa

has sunk since Chaplin, or since Abbott
and Costello. or that matter. All right,
I laughed a lot. But I hated myself later.
My advice is to stay away from this mov-

If you must go, try not to enjoy it too
much. Yeah, just try. Those bastards. ЭЗ»
E

Any work by Frederic Raph
wrote TV's The Glittering Pri
the Oscar-winni

el (who
^s and
g screenplay for Dar-
ling) is apt to be literate and sharply
honed. Richard's Things (New World) qual-
ihes on both counts, though there are
crucial flaws in the film adapted by
Raphael from his own novel, with An-
thony Harvey directing. Miscasting
muddies the tale of a heartattack vic-
tim's widow (Liv Ullmann) who dis-
covers that her late husband had a
mistress (Amanda Redman) and initially
wishes the girl were dead. Eventually,
the two women end up in bed together,
finding much in common because they
were both, so to speak, "Richard's
things" That might be credible, but
not in this movie, because Ullmann is
т too straight and sober to make her
lesbian fling seem valid, while Redman
projects a kind of airy, swinging cheap-
ness that never persuaded me she'd be
Liv's irresistible cup of tea for two.
The girls appear ready, at any moment,

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about a wonderful new detergent. ¥¥
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The Italiananade 1
(Summit Feature Distributors) stars an
energetic comedian named Enrico Mon-
tesano, whose countrymen have com-
pared him to Woody Allen. He's more
е a latter-day Harold Lloyd, or me
the late Peter Sellers, yet, in any
he is an engaging actor hemmed in by
a script that requires him to hop. skip.
jump and jostle some semblance of life
into it, Montesano plays a ghostwriter
for a novelist (France's Jean Rochelort)
whose books are all best sellers. Justice
is done wh the w arded ghost
writes a story describing the author's
mansion in such detail that а couple
of burglars use his prose 3
One of the crooks (Corinne Clery) is
beautiful. Short-order cooks thrive every-
where, but there are still ways to di
tinguish a comic soulllé from a soggy
1. YY

Hote Blondes

Roger Moore gets to play footsie with
a glamorous spy (Barbara Kellerman) in
The Sea Wolves (Paramount). Mooi
Gregory Peck play a couple of
nce officers who recruit some unlikely
heroes for an unsung act of hei
ing World War Two. This tue t
spruced up number of movi

ith a
dom's most finely cut. profiles, also stars

David Niven as an aging member of the
Calcutta. Light Horse, a cavalry unit all
but forgotten since the Boer War. A
bunch of once-trim fighting soldiers,
now going to pot or doing business or
playing polo in Indja, volunteer to sink
a German ship in the neutral port of
Goa in the Indian Ocean. Their ranks
swollen with such stalwarts as
Howard and Patrick Macnee,
ior citizens perform the daring deed
ап offbeat, better-th: erage macho

The old adver пе, always an
y target for film makers-cum-social
critics, takes a couple of broadsides in
Agency (Taft International). Subliminal
es hidden within seemingly in-
a political secret

issue

he didn't much give
plays the heavy, vs. Lee Maj
. М
г, who discovers some-
ng rotten at the top of a huge с
glomerate, and Vale his favorite
tor. Svelte Alexandra Stew
ichum's mysterious. assistant,
really needed, alas, is a show doctor, ¥¥
—REVIEWS BY BRUCE WILLIAMSON

MOVIE SCORE CARD

capsule close-ups of current films
by bruce williamson

Agency (Reviewed this month)
Homicidal айтеп. yy

Atlantic City Burt Lancaster on a
ak with E
don in Louis Malle's ШШ

Cheech & Chong's Nice Dreams (Re-
viewed this month) Cheap laughs
and plenty of 'em. we

City of Women Fellini females un-
doing Mastroianni. wy

Clash of the Titans (Reviewed this
month) Ye Жу

month) Fun City fr БЫЛ

Eye of the Needle (Reviewed this
month) Nonstop excitement with
Donald Sutherland and Kate Nelli-
gan sewing it up. yvy"

The Four Seasons Alan G
Burnett & Co. in Al
some likable but perfect
people.

History of the World—Part 1 (Reviewed
this month) Melom; yyy
month)

1 Sent а Letter to My Love Signed,
ed and superbly acted by Simone
Signoret. wy
ta Cage ovx Folles П More ooh-la-la
with les boys. Уу

The Legend of the Lone Ranger Who

Alda,

was that masked man? Y
Napoleon A French silent master-
piece, vintage 1927. wy
Outland (Reviewed this month) Con-
nery in а very high noon vu
Polyester Trash with flash, Divine,

Tab Hunter and scentsurround. ¥¥

Raiders of the tost Ark (Reviewed
this month) Spielberg’s back on tar-
ge the debacle of 19/1. Go. go,
go with it. wy

Richard's Things (Reviewed this
month) Liv Ullmann on an unlikely

wip to Lesbos. v
The Sea Wolves (Reviewed this
month) World War Two revisited by

Peck, Niven and Moore. v

SO.8. Julie Andrews takes it off in
more ways than one, while Blake
Edwards puts Hollywood on—also
up. down and sideways—in a wild,
wicked comedy. yyy

Superman Il Lover or fighter, still in

fine form, with Reeve and Kidder
for the clinches, УУУУ:
Take This Job ond Shove It Robert

(Airplane!) Hays on a lower plane. ¥¥
This Is Elvis Presley docuc

a good beat.

YYYY Don't miss
¥¥¥ Good show

¥¥ Worth a look
¥ Forget it

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ОТ ON THE ROAD AGAIN: Every

few years, Donald Fagen and Walter
Becker, commonly known as Steely Dan,
bring out a new album and then quietly
watch it course to the top of the charts.
No one has heard them in concert since
1971. Liz Derringer recently cornered
Fagen to ask him about Steely Dan's re-
laxed concert schedule, among other
things.
PLAYBOY: What have you got against
live audiences? Why don’t you tour?
FAGEN: We don't have a band. We're
just two lonely guys who get a bunch
of musicians together to play each al-
bum. Sometimes cach particular song

features a different band.

PLAYBOY: Since you don't tour, what do
you do between recordings?

FAGEN: I lead the life of a New Yorker.
1 do a lot of walking, see а lot of movies,
go out to dinner. I don't spend much
time in the country. I'm one of those
people to whom the chirping of crickets
is like а high-frequency thumping that
1 really can't stand. I lived in California
for some years and finally O.D.'d on sun-
shine and quiet. I'm glad I'm back in
New York.

PLAYBOY: Your collaborative relation-
ship with Walter Becker began back
East, didn’t it? How did you two find
each other?

FAGEN: I think our interest in jazz was
a major ingredient in our getting to-
gether. At the time we went to college,
jaz was а dying art form. We were
about the only people at that time at
Bard College who were interested in it.
"The rest of the student body was inter-
ested in the Beatles, and so on—whatever
was going on between 1965 and 1969.
PLAYBOY: Have you ever thought of
splitting up?

FAGEN: We've been thinking lately of
doing some separate projects with other
people

PLAYBOY: What music are you interested
in now?

FAGEN: I've been going back over 19th
Century harmony lately — chromatic

In the beginning, there was rock
n’ roll, plus surf rock, folk-rock, Eng-
lish rock, R&B and blues. Record
Stores were simple: You could find
what you wanied without a lot of
hassle—even in the most extreme
states of altered consciousness. But
times have’ changed. Record bins
have gone into a New Wave breeding
frenzy and there are now more
groups and categories than ever be-
fore. Even if you know what you
want, entering a record store can be
a terrifying experience. Since your
local adull-education outlet is not
likely to offer a course in New Wave,
we present the following guide.

Punk revels in Fifties machismo—
biker leathers, sex as pain, glue sniff-
ing, public barfing. It was brought to
its snarling peak by The Sex Pistols’
God Save the Queen, with its exhila-
rating contradiction of teen morbid-
ity—there's no future, no future, no
future,

Agit Reck was what happened when
the other premier punkers, The Clash,
couldn't get Americans to buy their
records, They switched to mellow,
early Sixties pop stylings and even
mellower Caribbean lilts, aural syrup
to make their angry young warnings
go down as easily as a Doobie Broth-
ers ballad.

Powerpop is how middle-class kids har-
ness punk’ energy while defusing
its abrasivenes. With _ prelysergic
Beach Boys and British Invasion
bands as its inspiration, powerpop
employs a big beat, clear harmonies
and clean clothes. Try Cheap Trick,
The Romantics, Ian Gomm.
Techno-Pop fuses the huge, spare drum
sound of disco with rock sensibilities
and layers of shimmering keyboards.
Blondie and The Cars are the most
successful at it, though "The Cars, with
their red, white and black color
scheme, are the most influential dress-
ers. A weirder variant is Devo.
Reggae/Ska may be the ultimate dance
music, the rock-steady accented back
beat that pulsed out of Jamaica in
the Sixties as ska (lots of horns) and
in the Seventies as reggae (lots of bass
and ganja). Young British bands pre-
fer the ska label now, because it goes
better with porkpie hats. Reggae:
Bunny Livingstone of the esteemed
Wailers, or The Maytals. Ska: The
Specials, Madness.

Dub is what happened when Jamaican
d.js took bare rhythm. tracks and
talked a stoned streak over them.

Rap is the speeded-up American funk
variant, a rhyming jive that goes
where instrumental solos used to be
New Funk matches old-time R&B me-
lodics, rock guitar, Third World
polyrhythms and New Wave non
sequiturs. George Clinton and his
Parliament/Funkadelic family were
the pioneers. Sax man James Chance
adds free blowing to the mix. Clothes
run from ghetto psychedelic to Blues
Brothers severity.

Rocko-Billy is what Southern rock was
before it had two drummers and three
guitarists per band: Elvis Presley,
Jerry Lee Lewis and Carl Perkins.
Country with a bad-ass black beat and
tons of delicious echo. And you get
to dress like a cowboy greaser. Best
newcomers are Dave Edmunds and
Joe Ely.

New Garage Band is a combination of
the old ? & The Mysterians' 96 Tears,
sharp, angry lyrics à la Elvis Costello
and really bizarre singing à la Lenc
Lovich.

New Frat Bond is the virtuoso inepti-
tude of the early Sixties party band
exemplified by The B-52s. The period
suburban Jook—bouffant h:
pered slacks, synthetic prints—is
mated to supersilly lyrics and an as-
sembly-line drum throb.

Mod is the early Who sound of cheer-
ful monster chording and sweet har-
monies done by people 15 e
years younger, like The
Jam. Matching mohair
suits are de rigueur.
Nuevo Wavo is the old Sir
Douglas Quintet Tex-
Mex border sound:
acid mellow with a
pumping Farfisa or-
gan and your occa-
sional accordion solo.
Doug is back in
action, and the
leading upstart is
Joe “King” Car-
rasco. Prepare to
polka your som-
brero off.
Modemism is a
pop-oriented
amalgam of €]
styles by bands
who play all or
most of the above:
Talking Heads, Joe
Jackson and anything
produced by Brian Eno,
who, in Ncw Wave cir-
cles, is known simply as
God.

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PLAYBOY

Harmonically, І think our
ps are probably more interesting
than anyone's. That's probably my m.
interest: new combinations of chords and
how to integrate them into popular mu
sic without sounding like an English art-
rock group. It's really not that much of
a novelty. It's based on the same mate-
rials that Ray Charles's band was work-

ing with in the late Fifties.
PLavuov: Who were your influences?

FAGEN: Jazz of the late Fifties and Si
ties. Rhythm-and-blues, Ray Charles,
Miles Davis, Sonny Rollins and the mu
sic that jazz was derived rom—at least
harmonically—Stravinsky and Debussy.
PLAYBOY: Surely, you must have some
iterests besides music.

Facen: You mean like making paper
planes or something? [Laughs] No, not
really. I used to when I was a kid. But
I used to end up just smelling the
gluc. I realized that was the way to per-
dition. I gave that up a long time ago.
rraYBOY: What do you suppose you'll
be doing when you're an old man?
FAGEN: It's difficult for someone in popu-
lar music to age gracefully. I hope ГШ be
a dirty old

REVIEWS

А few years ago, С. E. Smith was sup-
porting himself by buying and selling
intage electric guitars and ng in
Connecticut rock bands. Then, in rela-
tively quick succession, his eclectic vir-

tuosity and flashy flattopped - look
landed him sideman gigs with Dan
Harman, Hall & Oates, David Bowie,

arland Jeffries and in Gilda Radner's
backup band for her Broadway show/
spin-olt. This last engagement be-
ame just that when, as С.Е. recently
reminisced with us, "one ching just led
to another” and he and Gilda were
married. Now most. pleasing
and auspicious debut album, In the World
(Mirage) which reveals а remarkably
lucid, hard-edged songwriter, as well
the kind of guitarist who can credibly
ix rock-a-billy licks, R&B rhythmics and
scaring rock leads with seamless energy
nd grit. Especially affecting is an at-
mospheric heavy-metal cruncher about
ted, fitingly, James
Brown. No E. lives оп Man-
hattan's West Side with his bride, hangs
out with neighbors like Paul Simon—
who sings backup on this LP—and reck-
ons he still has "about 50 guitars at
home. But it's à more-or-less permanent
collection the:

mov

comes

е days."
.

On December 4, 1 billy great.
1 Perkins was recording in Memphis
legendary Sun studio, llanked by his own.
band, an unknown piano pumper named
Jerry Lee Lewis (reportedly paid $15 for
the session) and two guests—Johnny
Cash and Elvis Presley. No wonder after

an impromptu Gospcl jam session start-
ed, the resulting tapes became known as
The Million Dollar Quartet, now one of the
most famous rocka-billy sessions ever
recorded—and never released.

A bootleg has recently emerged amid
a tangled legal web spun by Shelby
Singleton, owner of the Sun Records
catalog, and RCA, owner of all El
recordings. Thr s ago, Singleton
resurrected the tapes from a box into
which they had been tossed and for-
gotten. When Singleton started. prepar-
ing an album, RCA stopped the project
with an injunction. Some time later, a
n told us the home of
English rep was burglarized.
Among the booty—a studio-quality dub
of the Million Dollar Quartet tape. The
tape pirate promptly started pressing
and selling discs, first in England and
now in the U. S, illegal as ever.

The question remains: Is the taped
material worth the breaking and enter-

ing? It turns out that the album's pretty
gedy. Volume levels rise and fall,
It in and out of both range and
tune. To our ears, Cash's voice is absent.
The Gospel performances are playful, if
sloppy. But it’s a rare chance to caves-
drop on rock ріопе play. Where
ele can you hear the Killer inquire of
Elvis the Pelvis and Mr. Blue Suede
Shoes, “Do you guys know that song,
Jesus Hold My Hand?”
е

Three new releases from Galaxy fea-
ture jazz musicians who. for different
reasons, have been absent from tlie U. S,
recording and performing scene for al-
most a decade. Tenor saxophonist John-
ny Griffin exiled himself to Europe,
where appreciation of American
was greater and the working h
er. Pianist Red Garland, who
fame with the great Miles Dav
tet of the Filties, drifted
retirement in his home state of Te:
performing locally but recording rarely.
Art Pepper's struggle with drugs and
his y E 1 (detailed in his
itobiography, Straight Life) stilled his
alto sax until the mid-Seventies. Hap-
pily, all have returned to a revitalized
American jazz scene and
that missed them the first time.
rs latest, NYC Underground, is a

voices di

new

searing live date that sizzles the walls of
Y.C's Village Vanguard. Responding
to an in-tune audience in the ked
basement club, the saxophonist rips
through a ser that features his own w
ing, as well as that of Thelonious Monk
and Duke Ell On Red Garland's
new LP, Stepping Out, the pianist does just
that with the help of Ron Carter, Ben
Riley and Kenny Burrell. His soulful,
swinging style is as fresh and distinctive
as it was with Miles. Art Pepper's coarse,
emotional sound is softened somewhat on
Winter Moon by the addition of strings—
tended, presumably, to broad
commercial appeal and bring Pepper
home to the romantics.
•

Оп 1 third LP, Funland (Arista),
pop-ocking Britisher Bram Tchaikov-
sky finally lives up to the promise first
evidenced three years ago on his toe-
tapping single Girl of My Dreams. With
a new band behind him and brandishing
a deeper, fuller vocal style, Tchaikovsky
offers 11 guitar-drenched compositions
that are as sprightly as they аге intelli-
gent. Brimming with hummable melo-
dies and catchy refrains, this album lives
up to its name; its got a good beat
and you can think to it.

David Lindley, who is best known as
Jackson Browne's virtuoso lead gui
ist, has ventured out on his own with
Н Rayo-X (Elektra). And the results are
delightful. The music is sort of Tex-Mex.
reggae laced with pl of Southern
California deadpan humor (for example,
She Took Off My Romeos). Even if you
liked Lindley before (and were one of
those who went to Browne concerts just
to hear him), there's a strong chance
this album will make you a fanatic

It was recorded in a studio in France,
but Stone Crazy! (Alligator) captures Bud-
dy Guy the way he performs at his
Checkerboard Lounge on Chicago's
South Side—on nights when the band
and the audience and the whiskey move
him to step out from behind the bar or
the card table and take the stage. Bud-
dy's style has gouen more dynamic and
dramatic over the years, alternating bc-
ously brooding passages and

ngtoi

screaming climaxes өп which he lets

y out with v nd gui
kup trio has as mean a Chic
blues sound as you could hope for, and
his line about grabbing a Yellow Cab
and riding it all day in search of his
woman tells you exactly how a success-
ful bluesman manages to stay blue.
D

At 26, Ricky Skaggs is in the third
phase of à musical carcer that exceeds
two decades. H Ircady made a big
name in blucgrass, from which he joined
Emmylou Harris’ countryrock Hot
Band, Skaggs now goes country, very

FAST TRACKS

Is there any intelligent life left on earth? Here's what Queen drummer Roger
Taylor has to say about Airheads, а cut on his solo album, Fun in Space:
"It could be called a heavy-metal ode to mindlessness. It could be about head
banging at concerts . . . the song's about the art of Quaalude consumption

and sticking your head inside a P.A. .

airheads can be fun." This sounds

like about as much fun as a sharp poke in the eye. We can hardly wait for
volume one of his Greatest Hits albums. Who says rock doesn't mirror сиг times?

EELING AND ROCKING: Alon Parker has
R been signed to coproduce a movie
based on Pink Floyd's album The Wall.
Parker, who directed Midnight Ex-
press and. Fame, will be working on
the drama with Pink Floyd's bassist,
Roger Waters, who is writing the

script. . . . Island Records is releasing
The Secret Policeman's Ball, one of

the year's mostsoughtafter B
import albums. which includes a
‘coustic performance by Pete Town-
shend of Pinball Wizard, Drowned
and Won't Get Fooled Again. The
concert was a benefit for Amnesty
International and it’s hoped a film of
it will be out in the U. S. soon.

RANDOM RUMORS: Debby Boone reports
in her autobiography that she and
her three sisters were spanked right
into teenhood by both of their par-
ents. Is that weird enough for
you? ... New you, too, can Jook like
Dick Clark. America’s oldest living
teenager coming out with a new
line o£ male grooming products and
vitamins called Youth. Formula. Ah,
but can you dance to them? . . . We
hear that Ronold Reogon sent South
Korean president Chun Doo Hwon home
from his state visit with albums by
Earth, Wind ond Fire, Billy Joel, Queen,
Blondie, Chicago and the Bee Gees for
his three teenaged children. We get
the Reverend Moon and they get to
rock-n-roll. We should have sent
the Plosmatics, Гог spite.

NEWSBREAKS: OK, admit it, you've
got a yen for Pepsi-Cola Salad. To
make it easy for you, here is that
tasty recipe from The Presley Family
Cookbook (Wimmer Bros. Press): Mix
black cherry Jell-O according to pack-
age directions and add chopped

apple, white raisins, pecans, white
grapes, cream cheese and canned
pincapple. Add the Pepsi and sti
Pour into an oiled salad mold and
refrigerate for six hours. Is this any
way to remember The King? . . .
Frank Харра has entered the mail-order
record biz in an effort to distribute
some of his experimental and пон
commercial stuff. Barking Pu
Records will in no way interfere w
his more commercial relationship
with CBS Records. The first offer on
Barking Pumpkin is а three-record
set of instrumental guitar recordings,
at $9.98 apiece or $27.98 for the
bunch, called Shut Up and Play Your
Guitar, Shut Up and Play Your
Guitar Some More and Return of the
Son of Shut Up and Play Your Gui-
lar. . . . Janice ton's latest album,
Restless Eyes, is making some waves

because of the tune Under the Cover:
The little ditty about Lat mei
goes, “They make better lovers or so

I've been told / Under the covers
that's where you discover if your man
is whole." Will this make trouble on
a scale with Brown Sugar? Stay
tuned. . . . Crystal Goyle is singing
on the sound track of Francis Ford
Coppola's upcoming movie One from
the Heart. .. . We now have the
latest, and already denied,
rumor: that theyll play the
concert ever this fall in Rio. W
dict they'll keep going as long
can jump. . .. First it was суе st
now it's the floor: Pogo dancing
bad news, causing worry to structura
engineers and joy to floor manu
turers. Engincers fear an epide:
dance floors’ cracking up—which is
how we feel when we watch pogo dev-
otees dance. — BARBARA NELLIS

Stones
last

innovatively, with his self-produced Wait-
ing for the Sun to Shine (Epic), his first al-
bum for a major label. A killer. it
couples а lot of oid songs (by Flau &
ruggs. The Stanley Brothers, Webb
Pierce, ct al.) with Skaggs's own utterly
inspired productions of them. The sun,
son bout to shine.
.

Singersongwriter-guitarist (not to
mention actor) Jerry Reed has so many
talents that һе has found it somewhat
difficult to fit himself into Nashville's
musical molds. His periodic success has
come primarily as а soft-pop ballad
nger or as a musical comic, but he
seems first and foremost to be а blues-
man. His latest LP, Dixie Dreams (RCA),
focuses most of its attention on that
form. Reed, who rarely sounds bad,
here also sounds comfortable.

SHORT CUTS

Roomful of Blues / Hot Little Moma (Blue
Flame Records, Box 49, Bradford, Rhode
nd 09808): The East Coast's hottest
sic Fifties R&B swing band is scintil-
lating live, and this new studio album.
ptures the group ng, horn-
п sound to a Т.

Lombert, Hendricks & Ross (Coli
splendid reissue in Columb

spired scat singing that made L,H&R the
hippest vocal combo to emerge in the
early Sixties.

The Manhotton Transfer / Mecca for Mod-
erns (Atlant They cover all the bases
here—swing, fusion, even good-time pop
revival on Boy from New York City—
with total aplomb and gorgeous four-
armonies, fielding a virtuoso per-
nce with no errors.

Jackie and Roy / East of Suer (Concord):
Jackie Cain and Roy Kral have been a
unique yocal duo since the Forties. They

Bobby Bore / As Is (Columbia): Standard
Bare fare: great contemporary country
story-songs.

Delbert McClinton / The Best OF (MC.

The best of Delbert is definitely the best.

Jefferson Starship / Modern Times (Grunt):
God love ‘em, they were singing about
mutants and aliens and revolution long
d The Clash,

before Johnny Rotten
et al, and they're still
satiric groupobiographical Stairway 1o
Cleveland telling, us how it feels.

Noel Pointer / All My Reasons (
Romantic vocals and swinging violin, in
a fusion setting warmly but wisely or-
chestrated by Richard Evans.

Blue Magic / Welcome Bock (Capitol):
Their lush vocal sound always brings
out the best in Philly's arrangers and

Ethridge /Tomorrow Sky (Inner
: Anybody who lives in Denver and
makes a living playing jazz guitar has got
to be on the ball. He is.

rning: The Surgeon General Has Determined
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health.

Vantage p

When you want
good taste
and low far too

omg

ULTRA LIGHTS 100's: 5 mg. "tar", 0.5 mg. nicotine,
100's: 9 mg. "tar", 0.8 mg. nicotine, av. per cigarette by ЕТС method.

ух COMING ATTRACTIONS ><

pot Gossip: Producer Martin (Night-
hawks) Poll has purchased the screen
ights 10 A Streetcar Named Desire and
intends to cast Sylvester Stallone as Stan-
ley Kowalski. Although it's sheer specu-
1 won't be surprised if the
a bit steamier than the 1951
Brando version. . . . Rumor has it that
“script problems" are to blame for the
delay. in reuniting Peter Folk and Alan
Arki follow-up to The In-Laws... .
Jill Clayburgh will star in the film adapta-

tion of Barbora Gordon's confessional
memoir I’m Dancing As Fast As 1 Can.

‘The flick also featur
and Geraldine Page and w ted by
playwright David Rabe. . . . John Hurt is the
say cop and Ryan O'Neal the straight one
n Partners, à comedy by La Cage aux

Nicol

illiamson

Clayburgh Stallone

Folles coscripter Francis Veber. . . . John
Schlesinger will direct Gorky Park, based
On Martin Crux Smith's bestselling nov-
el... . Secrecy surrounds the production
of Robert (Kramer vs. Kramer) Benton's
test picture, Stab. Starring Meryl
Streep and Roy Scheider, it's а romantic
thriller involving a mysterious murde
Scheider plays a shrink. . . . Barbara
Hershey stirs in The Entity, the suppos-
edly true story of a woman overpowered
nd sexually assaulted by an unseen
force.

.
THE ATTACK OF THE HORROR SPOOFS:
Following the enormous success of Air-

plane, Hollywood became instantane-
ously hungry for genre spoofs. That
explains why, at presstime, there are

no fewer than three horror-film
in various stages of production.
World Pictures scrambled to put togeth-
er one called Saturday the Hth, when
it became known t United
was working on one called Thur:
the 12th. Saturday is what is known as
a quickie—a threeweck shooting sched-
ule (most films take a couple of months)
and an amazingly short. postproduction
period, all designed to beat Thursday
to the punch. Plotwise, Saturday in-
volves a Amityvillelike estate
in a town called Eerie, Penn-
‚ and a family (Paula Prentiss and
Dick Benjamin) that ignores the warning

cursed

Smothers Blonkfield

and moves in anyway. The producers
hope to have it ready for release some-
ume this August Thursday the 12th
stars Tommy Smothers as a
Mountie on a police excl
who investigates a slew of murders at a
cheerleaders’ camp. Carol Kane, Debralee
Scott and Miles Chapin co-star, with Tab
Hunter, Donald O'Connor, Eve Arden and Kay
Ballard in cameo roles. It should be out
next spring. The third in the horror-
spoof line-up is Jekyll and Hyde . . .
Together Again, which stars Merk Blank-
field, the first member of ABC-TV's
Fridays cast to make the leap to feature-
film si In this version of the
classic, Dr. J. is а surgeon turned re-
a hospital called Our Lady
nd Suffering, and Mr. H. is a
Khelor type. A summer-of-
`8? release is planned.
.

FOGGED IN: P; nount would like to
have had a sequel to Airplane! to re-
lease this summer, but, unfortunately,
such a. project never got off the ground.
The three creators of the original, Dovid
nd Jerry Zucker and Jim Abrahams (here-
after referred to as Z., Z. and A.), have
spent the past year or so brainstorming,
but the only thing that's jelled thus far
is a TV-series take-off on cop shows to
be called Police Squad. Leslie Nielsen will
probably star as the chief of police
and, l'm told, Z., Z. and A. pl to kill
off the guest star during the opening
credits of cach episode.

PRYOR COMMITMENTS: With one film cur-
renty in production and three slated
to follow, Richard Pryor scems to be mak-
ing up for lost time. Paramount's Some
Kind of Hero is the first on the roster

rdom.

and Pryor's first since his accident, and
evident that the actor's brush
h has added a new dimensioi
to his already considerable talent. Co-
stars Margot Kidder, Ray Sharkey, Ronny
Cox and Lynne Moody speak only in super-
latives of Pryor's dedication, genius and
warmth. Says director Michael (Those
Lips, Those Eyes) Pressman: “Richard is

considered one of the few geniuses
around today. He is embracing t film
and his role with total dedication

Hero is something of a departure for
Pryor: his first dramatic role
years. He plays Eddie Keller, an Ame
can GI who spends five years in a
Vietnamese prisoner-of-war camp and
returns to the States to find that his
world has fallen apart. ven though
Eddie is put through a series of trau-
matic circumstances," says Pressman, "he
never loses his sense of humor. As a
result, he comes out on top. This story
is filled with a great deal of hope, opti
m and laughter." Pryor's subsequent
commitments include a reteaming with
Gere Wilder in Deep Trouble, to be writ
ten by Bruce Jay (Stir ) Friedman,
and two films for Rastar—The Toy, a
remake of a 1976 French film, in which
Pryor plays a departmentstore employee
purchased as a plaything for a spoiled
young boy, and a film bio of jazz great
Charlie Parker.

n some

LI
ROMANCE DEPARTMENT: A Lille Sex is
the first theatricalfilm venture of МТМ

Matheson Capshow

terprises, the company that has given
us The Mary Tyler Moore Show, Rhoda
nd Lou Grant. Tim (Animal House)
Matheson and newcomer Kate
star in this romantic comedy about a
young. newlywed New Yorker (Mathe-
son) who's perpetually tempted by the
glamorous women he encounters in his
job as а commercials director and in
the city at large. His struggle to resist
temptation and remain faithful to his
wife (Capshaw) eventually causes а real
crisis in his married Ше. Сары
previous credits include numerous
commercials and a stint on the soap
opera Love of Life. —joun BLUWENTHAL

Capshaw

WHAT SOME PEOPLE DO TO THEIR
FEET IS SIMPLY SHOCKING.

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PLAYBOY'S TRAVEL GUIDE

By STEPHEN BIRNBAUM

FOR THE PAST couple of years, Ame
visitors to. Europe have been looking
very nervously at the bottom line of
their restaurant. checks and hotel bills.
Theres even been some pronounced
wincing ay those brave souls convert-
ed the totals to dollars and then won-
dered why they'd ever left home.

It's no secret that the dollar has been
in very sharp decline for the better part
of the past three travel seasons and that
longings to visit Europe have had to be
tempered by economic reality. But all
ally in 1981,
France this
and fall feel positively expan-
sive. The source of this euphoria is the
realization that the U.S. dollar now
buys about 5.7 French francs—the high.
est level it has enjoyed in France in
more than a decade. This compares with
barely four francs to the dollar last

bor Day. as the dollar's buying pow
has increased а whopping 12.5 percent

just one year. Suddenly, its possible
nericans to enjoy Gallic pleasures
hout returning home to the threat of
incipient bankruptcy.

Similar drama

for

the dolla

rises in

s
fortunes have taken place in most of the

rest of Europe as well, and the dollar
is enjoying levels of buying power not
scen since the mid-Seventies, In Italy,
for example, an American could buy
only 850 lire for a dollar a year ago. At
the moment, howey 1200 lire for a
dollar is not at all u ial —more than
a 40 percent increase in 12 months. That
means that a posh hotel room in Rome
that cost 100,000 lire in 1980 has gone
m 5117 to S83 in just a year. Even in
ly most expensive coun-
nd West
njoying new
go. a dollar
1.78 marks; it
now bu 1—а 35 percent rise in
value. Similarly, on Labor Day 1980, a
dollar bought 1.61 Swiss francs: it buys
about 2.1 today—that’s а 28 percent
increase in buying power in 12 months.
Even the British pound, once buoyed
by North Sea oil revenues, has scen its
value decreased nearly 20 percent in
relation to the dollar. So a dinner that

bought

cost more than 521 in 1980
.50 today.
Among the most

es for Americans to travel is the
[ Ireland. Just over а year
ies

pean pl

ago.
relation:
torically h

d with its British counter-
the first time in generations,
the Irish punt and the British pound
went their separate ways and, to the

WELCOME BACK, EUROPE

Three cheers
for the red, white
and greenback.

delight of American visitors to Ireland,
the punt headed straight down. A усаг
ago, it took $2.12 to buy one punt:
today it costs less than 51.55, and th
es Ireland onc

I the most econom.

ical European destinations lor Amer
can visitors.

nev g
dollar over the past year mean a signifi-
cant shrinkage in overseas prices when
h conditions a уе:
nd ol Americi
ope is a host
of inexpensive transatlantic excursi
promotional rates that traditional-
ly proliferate enormously after the 15th
of September. Although its true that
ve been going up steadily
in the face of rising jet-luel costs. that

is mainly of concern to business tr
аз, who are unable to cc
passage abroad very n

someone able to purchase his ticket seven
to 30 days im advance. however. there
is virtually no. major эрсап city to
which a discount l/or excursion fare
is not available. A trip through your
nts current Official Airline
Guide should serve to confirm that fact
ically—and provide specific prices
and restriction

But up to now, one of the prime
bugaboos discouraging a European visit
has been the inability to add any add
tional European destinations to those
discount transatlantic fares—except at

European air fares has been one of
travel’s most frustrating problems, and
on а city-to-city intra-

European air travel has been almost
prohibitively expensive.

отете, though, Europe is in
the midst of one of the most heated a
vars ever seen. For example,

€ between Paris and

5175 round trip; Par
na costs only $210 round wip:
round trip between Paris and
res,
nder its New
are cal-
7 francs to the dollar and
Ш excursion. fares. They require
only that users stay for one Saturday,
nd they represent a 50-10-60.percent
reduction from 1980 air-travel costs.

The same situation exists on. British
Airways out of London. At the moment,
travelers can fly round trip between Lor
London and
пе for S288, London and Zurich for
5200 and London and Berlin for S183.
in. those fares represent a savings of
carly 50 percent over those of 1980.

As usual. however. there are a couple
of curve
go bucketing oll to Europe expecting
to йу willy-nilly from city to city at these
inexpensive fares, Not all European
countries are as enthusiastic about them
as others, and in an attempt to exclude
U. 5, travelers from these bargains, many
ol the Lares ot purchasable in the
U.S. OF those listed above, for es
ple. the lights between London
Rome or iot be purchased i
we of disputes with the
1 governments. Simi-
ollered in Europe by
ad Lufthans
lor purchase in the U.
ever, available in Europe, so it
advisable, in certain instances, to n
reservations here—or have someone do
it for vou abroad—and then purchase
your ticket when vou get to Europe.

As we go to press, the countries be-
tween which inexpensive intra-European
fares can be purchased in the U.S.
Bulgaria, Finland, Gibraltar.
п. Ireland, Malta, Rc
1 Yugoslavia. A
e may be neces
rewards
European

and
Athens is available for $245. Those f.

balls tọ consider before yo

са

little cunning and р
гу to enjoy the same econom|
if you're headed for another
destination.

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The spirit of the Czar

Life has changed since the days of
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Vodka is still made here to the same
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Wolfschmidt Genuine Vodka.
The spirit of the Czar lives on.

THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR

Wee scen the problems of no orgasm,
premature orgasm and the like tackled by
you, but what about too many orgasms
or those that are too intense? Гуе been
told by more than one lover that Im 100
sensitive, or they can't keep up with me,
or that Fm having too much fun. When
I was growing up, all I heard and read
was that men liked responsiveness (sound-
wise and otherwise). Its getting to a
point where I'm almost alraid to respond
at all. The sane part of me says it’s the
problem, but i» there such а thing as
“too responsive"? Is not as though I can
switch off at will whats been switched
оп. Any suggestion?— Miss. M. G., Los
Ies, Californi:
eah. What are you doing Friday
night? There is no such thing as too
much fun. Physical response is а matter
of fine tuning: Tamper with someone's
psyche and you don't just gel poor per-
formance, you get no performance. Desire
is a very fragile thing. Don't let fools fool
with it. If you have to, change friends.

Ё. my birthday, my

me a

friend gave
that has quickly become my
favorite. I've taken to wearing it almost
cvery day. Last week, someone at work
said that I should give the tie a rest. I
said, “Why? Em the one doing all the
work.” But he insisted that it was better
for the tie if it had a few days off every
now and then. Is there any truth to
thisz— J. P., Chicago, Illinois

First, was the guy your boss? If зо, you
ould be wise to follow his fashion ad-
vice, if that's what it was. Actually, he
is correct, You should rotate lies,
suits, shoes, socks, the works. By hanging
them out for а day, you give the wrinkles
а chance to relax naturally, the fibers а
chaner to get the kinks oul. Try й. Your
tie will last longer.

your

nd and I recently discov-
cred something that should give new
ning to the word headphones. 1
boug play-
ers with the ultralight headphones and
t night, the stereo went to bed with
us. While receiving head, 1 was listening
to Michael Jackson's Don't Stop "Til You
Get Enough. Then the idea struck me.
1 pushed the так button on the cassette
player. (That overrides about 50 percent
of the music and allows the headphones
wearer to pick up sounds thro
ike.) 1 placed the unit

tone of the new tiny casse!

sitive condenser x
down by my lady's lips and cannot de-
scribe the erotic effect it had on те, A
few minutes later, we switched places
and she was obviously as turned on аз I
had been. Being able to hear every detail

of oral sex is like having three lovers at
once—one giving head and опе on each
ear. Thought Fd share this discovery
with others, but first ГЇЇ buy some stock
in the company that made the casseue
tr.—M. М., Oceanside, Calilornia.
We thought of sending this letier
along to the editors of Playboy Guide
to Electronic Entertai 1, but what
the hell. Let them find their own letters.

[ГЭ пе the gas shortage of a few years
о. I traded in my old gas guzzler for
a car that was supposed to get good
mileage on regular gasoline. For a while,
everything worked out well. But lately
I've been getting an annoying knock.
The car has been tuned to specs. 1 don't
want to switch to a premium fuel lor
this small car, but what else can I do:—
L. P., Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

4n automobile's octane requirements
can vary for a number of reasons, includ-
ing degree of tune, engine load and en-
gine age. We suspect that the latter
cause is your problem. An older car can
require fuel with octane fwe numbers
higher than when it was new. The fact
is, variances of as much as len numbers
can be found in identical new cars. Your
first step should be to change brands.
You'll have to throw brand or dealer
loyalties out the window for this solu-
tion. The numbers on any gas pump are
minimum-octane numbers. It is possible
to find higher-octane fuel in a different
brand, even though the minimum num-
bers are the same. If you find that you
are somehow “between numbers,” it isn't
necessary 10 switch completely to a pre-
mium fuel. Try adding one third pre-
mium to your regular and then adjusting

ne:

the proportions when you find out he
your car takes to й. Another possibility
is gasohol. which has а higher octane
than ils base regular gas. You can't find
the right fuel for your сат by reading
the owners manual. Only trial ond
error will do.

The girl Tm dating told me to get
vacium-pump developer to increase the
nd thickness of my penis. She
claims that a guy she used to date used
one with positive results. Do they work?
Are they harmfuD—D.. V., Sacramento,
Calilornia.

If the guy she used to date had such
positive resulis, why is she dating you?
Ditch the bitch. Or tell her to use a
vacuum pump on her brain, Medical
science has yet to discover a safe, effec-
tive method for increasing the size of
the penis. That is no cause for despair,
though. Mosi men who worry about
their penis size do so unnecessarily. W
would also like to say that ads claiming
10 enlarge а man's penis through various
methods or devices not only are false but
тау be dangerously irresponsible.

Ё. took a long time, but I finally got
my Ph.D. Since the only things I've got
to show for all the work I did arc my
job and that piece of paper, I'd like
to display the diploma on my office
wall Гуе been told that is not always

good idea. I say if you've got it,
flaunt it, What do you say—R. M.,

Boston, Massachusetts.

4 diploma says only that you've taken
the course, not that you were any good
at il, That shows up in your day-to-day
performance. The only people who real-
ly need to prove they've taken the course
before performing are doctors, dentists
and lawyers. They are reassuring their
patients or clients, not impressing friends
or coworkers, when they display their
sheepskin. In most other cases, framing
and hanging your credentials may give
your ego a boost, but it just looks like
а boast to anyone else. The proper rest-
ing place for the average diploma is,
therefore, in а trunk in your attic, not
on your office wall.

n response to your request for out-
rageous techniques on the delightful
subject of giving good head, I've decided
to share with you the delicious details
of a recent rapturous rendezvous that

resulted in blowing a couple of fuses in
шу lover's t of sensuous expe

ences, Getting straight to the good part,
опе fine Saturday evening of wine, can

delight and sensuous dance shared by

PLAYBOY

myself, my lover and another woman
found the three of us becon
essively more entwined as the n
wore on. Now, I have always adored go-
ing down on men—and this one in
particular. So, at one point, when I
became aware of my girlfriend going
for it down at the other end of the bed,
it sounded so tasty I thought ГА join her
fellatious feast. It was even sexier than
watching myself give head in the mirror.
if you really want to get off and
blow your man's mind simultaneously,
e a cock with a friend! We would
^ turns, passing it back and forth
from one mouth to the other. I would
low him completely, and then my
1 would be begging for more,
so I'd slip him out of my mouth into
hers, and then we'd share for a while,
both of ws sliding up and down the
shaft. Moans of ecstasy from my boy-
friend's end of the bed let us know that
our teamwork was being well
ated. Every now and then, he м
his head to watch this grand ре
ance, but our vigorous ellorts swept him
back down, in complete surrender to
sensation. When he could take no more,
we let loose and gave him all we were

worth—which turned out to be suffi-
cient to break a main line on some-
thing—we thought the fountain was

never going to stop gushing. I let my
girlfriend enjoy the warm relreshments,
since I do get my share on a regular
basis, and she reciprocated by giving mc
а warm, wet cum«overed. kiss. So my
advice to the woma s to give
her man a workout he'll never forget—
have a friend over for deseri
P. B., Santa Barbara, Californi

The insight, wisdom, ingenuity and
charm of your advice strike us ах ob-
vious. Thank you. Now, if our girlfriend
is reading this...

[ге been overweight since I was а
youngster. Let's face it, 1 was a fat kid.
A friend tells me that once you develop
all those fat cells, it's impossible to get
rid of them. Does that mean I will be
overweight for the rest of my lile?
L. A., Des Moines, Iowa.

Not at all. The total amount of fat in
your body depends not only on the num-
ber of fat cells but on their size. The
body will produce fat cells throughout
ils growing period, especially the first
few years of life. But then it will stop
and you will maintain the same number
for your adult life. In the process of re-
ducing, you do noi lose fat cells, you
simply reduce their size. That can be
done through proper nutrition and exer-
cise. There are a lot of excuses for being
overweight, but no good reasons.

V have been married twice and dated
guys in between, but never had an
orgasm until two months ago, when I

et C.S. We live together now and make
love a lot! When Т get off, 1 feel like
screaming, groaning and just going
zy. The problem is that a fear inside
me stops me from doing so. Hc has made
remarks to let me know it would really
"blast him off” if I did let go. How can
1 overcome my fear of expressing my
orgasmy out loud? I've also wanted to
talk to him while making Jove—"Push
der" and things like that. Why can't
I get the guts to cut loose? Please help!—
Miss 5. D., Sunnyvale, California.
Perhaps you've heard the phrase “Nice
girls dowi, women do.” For all the
folderol of the sexual revolution, most
women are brought up under certain
prohibitions. They don't talk about sex
or otherwise express themselues—espe-
cially in mixed company. That kind of
restraint takes its toll—it may be the
source of your early sexual difficulties.
But, evidently, you are coming of age.
IH you want to practice yelling and
moaning, why not sign up for a “private
speaking class"? See what it’s like to let
go when you masturbate. Then perhaps
you сап move on to the next level—try-
ing 10 talk during oral sex, say, during a
session of soixante-neul. With your
mouth full, no one will be able to tell
what you're saying, but the thought will
count. If you want to change, you will.

Every Chrismas, I get at least one bot
Пе of cologne, which usually goes into
the medicine cabinet, never to be seen
ankly, the thought of wearing
asses me. Is it possible these
days for a man to wear cologne with-
out attracting a lot of attention? Some
of the stuff smells pretty good.—R. D.,
Mbany, New York.

If you like the smell, that's one of the
го voles you'll need. The secret to en-
joying cologne lies in realizing that
you've not the only one who has to
smell it. To get that second vote, all
you have to do is ask. Then, when you
get approval, try it out on a day when
you're not likely to run into anyone
with influence over your life or career.
The reason is that the smell of cologne
will change during the day. Body heat
and your own body smell will change
the initial impression of the cologne
significantly. You'll want to know what
that change will be before you actually
go out in public. Be aware as well that
your aftershave and your deodorant also
have to be compatible. Often you can
buy an after-shave in the same scent.
Deodorant clashes can be avoided. by
buying the unscented kind. Be careful
in applying cologne. The rule is to use
far less than you think you should. A
pinkieful ought to do the job, discreetly
applicd on the sternum and maybe a
little behind cach ear (you've seen the
routine). During the day, you'll want it
either fresh or fruity; save the heavy

musks and perfumy stuff for intimate
léte-d-létes at night. Once you've dis:
covered a cologne that works for you,
stick with it. With any luck, in a few
weeks you'll get used to it, others will
consider it your trademark and the em-
barvassment will be gone.

WI, new joo means that I'm going to
have to fly 2 lot, making short hops
around the country. I don't mind the
flying so much as the landing. My ears
just cant take it I've chewed whole
of gum, wied swallowing hard
while making all sorts of noises and all
that happens is that I get funny looks
from other passenger
some way to clear my lı
ing а fool of myself,
Phoenix, Arizona.
Some folks can get relief by pinching
their nostrils and blowing—very gently—
with the mouth shut four or five minutes
before touchdown, but that draws as
much attention as the noises. You might
try an oral decongestant before flying to
help keep your tubes open. Nasal sprays
also can work wonders if used before
your descent. Take it easy on the spray,
though, because some of them can. have
an annoying rebound effect that can
compound your problem by causing con-
gestion after you've reached terra firma.
And, sorry (0 say, if you're prone to this
problem, don't drink alcohol in flight
or just before. It can increase congestion.

E ax has become increasingly satisfying
to both my fiancée and me. Although
we have never striven to make simul-
taneous orgasm a goal, we couldn't help
but notice that we now experience or-
gasm together about 75 percent of the
time, We practice birth control, so our
first question is a curious rather than a
concerned one: Does simultaneous or-
gasm create (during a fertile period) a
“perfect environment” for conception?
In other words, does it increase the
chance of pregnancy?—M. K., Virginia
h, Virgini

Nol particularly. According to Masters
and Johnson, it scems that there is prob-
ably a greater chance for conception
when the woman doesn't orgasm, since
the muscle contractions that occur dur-
ing climax tend to force the sperm out
of the vagina, Seems like you've got a
birth-control bonus.

All reasonable questions—from fash-
ion, food and drink, stereo and sports cars
to dating dilemmas, taste and etiquette—
will be personally an ed if the writer
includes a stamped, self-addressed en-
velope. Send all letters to The Playboy
Advisor, Playboy Building, 919 N. Michi-
gan Avenue, Chicago, Illinois 60611. Thi
most provocative, pertinent queries will
be presented on these pages cach month.

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eKenaissance
irit lives on_

ORIGINALE

A LIQUEUR PRODUCED BY:

ШУА SARONNO. ITALY

ч ———

THE PLAYBOY FORUM

a continuing dialog on contemporary issues between playboy and its readers

SPEED AND JESUS

Things were a lot simpler when reli-
gion was the opiate of people, as Marx
put it, and merely lulled them into pas-
ve acceptance of economic and social
injustice. These days, it seems to be less
n amphetamine. Com-
pared with today's politicized evangelists
and th fiery-cyed followers armed with
Bibles and ballots, the standard speed
freak is a pretty laid-back fellow. To the
detached studentobserver of political
change, the sight is the most breath-
taking spectacle since the Crusades: АП
the militant feminists, fairies, blacks,
bleeding-heart liberals and various other
vermin scattering in panic before an ad-
vancing army of Born Again Bumpkins,
zonked out of their gourds on self-
righteousness and lusting for blood. It's
just a good thing Hitler wasn't on last
November's ballot.

So let us be comforted by the fact that
some evangelists—namely, faith healer
Oral Roberts and his radio rival the Rev-
erend Carl McIntyre—are still holy war-
ring on a traditional battleground. Seems
that Oral sent out a fund-raising letter
advising those on his mailing list that
Jesus had come to him in a vision, tower-
ing over the high-rise City of Faith that
the Reverend Roberts needs a few jillion
dollars to build. The Reverend Mc-
Intyre took the data from Roberts' let-
ter, calculated Jesus to be 600 feet tall
and pronounced that to be deceptive
advertising based on a hallucination.
Jesus was given a human body of aver-
age size and has been content with it
since the Resurrection, McIntyre insist-
ed, implying very bad things about
Roberts. Like he was a phony. An olfi-
cial spokesman for Oral lamely respond-
ed that the Lord had presented Jesus
larger than the building to symbolize
that “God was bigger than the problem
[of raising money|" McIntyre wasn't
buying any such symbolism that, he said,
raised $5,000,000 fraudulently with an
“expanded or bloated Jesus.”

Now that’s the sort of issue that evan-
gelists should be dealing with, instead of

terrorizing рој ns and mucking
around with the laws of the land.
1.7. Armes

Austin, Texas

WAR OF THE WORDS

Marie Antoinctte should be the patron
saint of liberals. While queen of France,
she righteously worked to lift the ban
against the opera The Marriage of Figaro,

which attacked the nobility and helped
inspire the popular revolt in which she
herself was guillotined. Some say Marie
didn't even know what the opera was
bout, wh

Bob Reitz
Cleveland, Ohio

“Turned out that she was
a decoy prostitute . . . and
that I had just won the
Honest John Award.”

Whatever happened to the "liberal
backlash” that has been promised for so
long? Arc wc all planning to sit on our
cans and watch our lives be ruined by
the rightwing crusaders? If that is the
case, I would certainly like to know, so
I can start looking for a good cave to
hide in.

Meanwhile, a few comments. I practice
what is apparently a unique form of
censorship. Whenever I see something
that I feel will probably offend me, I
simply leave it on the shelf. I practice
the same censorship with my television
set. If I see a show listed that would
offend my sensibilities or intelligence

(the latter is more often the case), I
change the channel or leave the damned
thing off. It’s amazing how many people
simply haven't thought of thi:

І feel that abortion is an issue that
should be left up to each and every
woman's own personal needs and con-
science. While I personally feel that
abortion is not a substitute for respons
ble birth control, I also do not fecl that
already overcrowded foster homes are
the answer. Neither are the beaten chil-
dren who are spending so much time in
emergency rooms, psychologists’ offices
and institutions.

In sex education, I feel that perhaps
too much emphasis is being placed on
the mechanics of conception (and con-
traception) and not enough on the re-
sponsibilities involved. I heard of one
school that gave each student a raw egg
to tend to for one week, treating it as
though it were his or her own child.
"Those students learned more about re-
sponsibility in that week than in a whole
year of classroom study-

James W. Crocker
Tacoma, Washington

HONEST JOHN

While perched on a stool in a hotel
bar last summer, I made the acquaint-
ance of an attractive young woman who
proved to be intelligent, pleasant, witty
and an altogether delightful person to
talk to. After we chatted for about half
an hour, she guided the conversation
around to sex and from several subtle
hints, I decided she was a hooker, if a
slightly awkward onc. I finally asked her
outright if she was a working girl and
she answered cryptically, “Yes, I suppose
you could say that." Then I told her t
while I was enjoying the conversation,
I wasn't a prospective customer—just a
bored out-of-towner, happily married,
passing time until it was late enough to
catch the late movie on the hotel's pay
TV. When I apologized for taking up
her time, she laughed and said she had
some friends shed like me to meet, in-
dicating three men and a woman
sitting at a large table, who were
watching us and smiling. I was a bit
nervous about all this and nearly choked
on шу drink when next she opened her
purse and showed me a badge. Turned
out that she was a decoy prostitute, her
friends were a backup сор and two ofl-
duty colleagues, and that 1 had just won
the Honest John Award—a little plastic
bathtub fish signifying, they explained,

PLAYBOY

one that got away." It took two more
drinks for my anxiety level to subside
and, meanwhile, my pleasant conversa.
tior returned. to her duties at the
bar. The cops said this wasn't their nor
mal procedure but that busting decent
Johns could get a little depressing and
occasionally they made a party out of
the business just to vary the routine
Politely as possible, I said that what 1
encountered was something pretty close
to entrapment, and they countered that
I couldn't be arrested if I didn't make
a monetary deal. I didn't argue, but Т
found the whole thing a little unsettling
nd I can't say I particularly liked the
ing attitude they
ught to a situation that could easily
do a great deal of harm t0 an otherwise
harmless person who's only crime would
be horniness and loneliness.
(Name withheld by request)
Des Moines, lowa
Very odd police behavior: wish you'd
mentioned the city.

AGENT ORANGE
Your readers may have heard about
the recent court decision that veterans
not sue the Agent Orange manufac
тиг court. That decision
in no w fects our Agent Orange
work. nor the bulk of organizing and
lobbying be by veter
the country. 1 think that is import
because press accounts have
ded to suggest that the decision is the
th knell for the issue.
We advised veterans years ago not to
expect Agent Orange victories through
the courts, especially in suits against
the chemical companies. Unfortunately,
many came to expect them anyway and
ave been sorely disappointed by the
court decision. Many veterans do not
now of the work being done by the
National Veterans Law Center and its
Task Force оп Agent Orange. But an
increasing number of veterans have al-
ly contacted our clients about what
is to happen after the deci:
We expect that our work and that of
the Agent Orange task force will, w
the support of the Playboy Foundation.
become more important to those people
they ri e that litigation is simply
ool for effective organizing around
this issue.
Lewis M. Milford 7
National Veterans Law Center
Washington, D.C.

HEAVEN CAN WAIT

I was both shocked and outraged by
the letter that appeared in your June
issue titled “Bigger Bonfire.” referring
to a survey purporting to discover that
the people most in favor of the use of
nuclear weapons are Catholics.” Catho
lis hardly deserve the insane death
wishing image the wri es them. As
a Catholic and an individual opposed

FORUM NEWSFRONT

what's happening in the sexual and social arenas

LOVE NOR MONEY
ES MoINES—In denying an award of
$30,000 in damages to a rejected hus-
band, the lowa Supreme Court struck
down the legal concept of alienation of
affection as "rooted in ideas
long since renounced, involving wives
as property.” Stating that such suits
“are useless as à means of preserving a
family,” the court noted that “human
experience is that the affections of per-
sons who are devoted and faithful arc
not susceptible to larceny.” The deci-
sion reversed а jury award of $10,000
in actual damages and $20,000 in puni-
twe damages granted a husband whose
wife left him to marry another man. In

we have

a dissenting opinion, Chief Justice W.
Ward Reynoldson argued that such
suits should be retained for their “de
terren! effect." He said, “This result
doubtlessly will be hailed by those who
believe extramarital conduct should be
accorded а constitutional right of
privacy.”

LOVE NOR MONEY, It
SAcRAMENTO—The California Su-
preme Court has turned down an ap-
peal by a formes state employee seeking
disability benefits because he fell in
lave with a co-worker who spurned his
advances, leaving him too distraught to
work. The 40-year-old exclerk claimed
his disability was job-related because he
would still be employed had he not met
the woman at work. Testimony indi-
cated that the тап became obsessive
and that the object of his affections

finally had to call the police. The plain-
tiffs lawyer admitted to the court that
the case was so unusual he didn't know
whether to label his client's disability
an industrial injury ог a disease. The
court apparently decided it was neither.

LOVE NOR MONEY, Ш
ANSING—The Michigan Court of
Appeals has upheld a $250,000 award
to а bride whose husband abandoned
her, claiming she was not a virgin when
they were married. The woman sued
for slander, alleging that the groom
ruined her reputation and that of her
family in the Sicilian community and
that he did so merely to get out of the
marriage. Court records indicate that
the man refused to take the word of
his bride or of a nurse who examined
her. The marriage was annulled.

KEEPING ABORTION LEGAL

nowr—Despile strong opposition
from the Vatican, Halians have voted
two to one to retain legalized abortion.
The three-year-old law that permits
abortion virtually on demand was sup-
porte d by 67 percent of 35,000 000
volers in a national referendum called
foi by Roman Catholic activists seeking
to restrict the operation to situations
of medical emergency

COVER THY BOD

VATICAN crty—In yet another pro-
nauncement on personal morality. Pope
John Paul 11 has condemned nudity
and said that people “of sensibility”
v they have to take
off their clothes, even for a routine
doctor's. examination. Speaking to a
crowd of 15,000, the Pope said that
“culture demonstrates an explicit tend-
ency to cover the nudity of the human
body. not only for climatic reasons but
also in relation with the growth of the
personal sensibility of man [whose]
sense of shame arose when he became
subject to concupiscence,” or strong
sexual desire.

feel shame when

CONTAMINATED POT

MADISON— Researchers at the Medi
cal College of Wisconsin studying a
group of marijuana users have dix
covered an unusually high incidence of
exposure 10 the potentially dangerous
fungus aspergillus and other molds
that cam cause serious lung disorders
and affect other organs, often without
causing symploms that ате

readily

detectable in their early stages. The
doctors discovered the problem coinci-
dentally and said that until further
studies ave done, chemotherapy pa-
tients in particular should avoid using
“street marijuana" because their low-
ered immune responses would make
them susceptible to infection. The
contamination is suspected to come
from the storage and shipping con-
ditions common with smuggled pot.

Contaminated marijuana also has
heen blamed for an outbreak of Sal-
monella poisoning in Ohio and Michi-
gan that led to the hospitalization of
at least 39 persons suffering from se-
vere diarrhea. Health officials specu-
lated thal the contamination could
have occurred when a marijuana field
was fertilized with manure or when
the harvested pot was exposed to a
barnyard.

The Alliance for Cannabis Thera-
peutics (ACT) said those and other
discoveries of tainted marijuana point
up the need for legal access to quality-
controlled pot for legitimate medical
use.

SNIFF SEARCH
orxts—Using trained dogs to sniff
luggage for contraband does not
amount to unconstitutional scarch and
seizure, the Arkona Supreme Court has
ruled. In a drug case, the defendant
argued that the dogs had been unlaw.
fully used because no probable cause
existed to suggest the commission of a
crime. The court held that a dog's sniff
is not a search of the luggage but of the

air around it, and that while the con-
tents of а bag may be protected from
unreasonable searches, the odor given
off by luggage is not.

DRAFT AVOIDANCE

BERKELEY, CALIFORNIA—By а unani-
mous vole, the Berkeley Board. of
Education has approved a measure re-
quiring that high school students be
given instruction that includes counsel-
ing on draft avoidance. The program,
believed to be the first of its kind in
the nation, will be taught as part of
history and government classes and
will include discussions of registration
avoidance, strategies for avoiding pros-
ecution, conscientious-objector status
and current legal challenges to the
draft. School officials said both sides of
the draft issue would be presented.

FETUS FOLLIES

PHILADELPHIA— Two local feminist
organizations found themselves victims
of a hoax that caused telephone calls
to their switchboards to be referred
over a weekend to other numbers g
ing recorded anti-abortion messages. A
phone-company spokesman said the call
switching had been requested by wom-
en who falsely identified themselves as
members of the two groups, Choice and
Women's tchboard. The recorded
messages included sounds purported to
be the heartbeat of an eight-week-old
fetus and grisly descriptions of abor-
tions, such as “Your helpless baby's . . .
eyeballs pop, her arms and legs атс cut
from her body. Under crushing. pres-
sure, she is sucked from your womb."

POSTWAR PROBLEMS

NEW YorK—More than a quarter of
the veterans who saw heavy combat in
Vietnam have been arrested since re-
turning home and other Vietnam vets
have had “significantly more” social,
psychological and career problems
than nonveterans, a Government-fund-
ed report indicates. The three-year,
$2,000,000 fivevolume study released
by the Center for Policy Research also
found a high rate of alcohol and drug
abuse, medical and stress-related prob-
lems, blamed partly on the war's un-
popularity, which caused returning
soldiers to feel alienated upon re-enter-
ing civilian life.

SEX EDUCATION

LANSING— Michigan Attorney General
Frank J. Kelley has ruled that. public
schools in the state cannot teach sex
education as part of any required
course. The opinion appears to conflict
with state-board-of-cducation guide-
lines, which allow sex education to be
taught as an optional part of a required
health course; but the decision is bind-
ing on State agencies unless overturned
in court.

JUSTICE TEMPERED

NEW YORK Crry—4A Manhattan Crim-
inal Court judge has refused to send
а 23-year-old defendant to jail because
the man is slightly built and white and
“would not last ten minutes.” Judge
Stanley Gartenstein said the accused
“richly earned a sentence of incarcera-
tion" for his behavior toward a police
officer and resisting arrest but that “the
state of New York could not guarantee
his safety in prison surroundings. . . .

He would be immediately subject to
homosexual rape and sodomy and to
brutalities from fellow prisoners such
as make the imagination recoil in hor-

to write an apology to the cop, an essay
on disobedience, 10 donate community
service twice weekly for a year and
fined 51000. The case involved walking
an unleashed dog in a park and the
defendant's objections to a summons.

HARD TO PLEASE

ATLANTA—A_ Georgia county-court
judge has ruled that the state does not
have to pay for an operation that
would enlarge а transsexual’s vagina
In upholding a Department of Human
Resources refusal to pay for a third
operation, Judge John S. Langford, Jr.
pointed out that the purpose of treat-
ment was vocational rehabilitation and
that the stale had paid not only for the
sex change in 1976 but also for subse-
quent medical, psychiatric, electrolysis
and other services. The court character-
ized the petitioner as “a person with
multiple problems who has almost never
been satisfied with any actions taken or
services provided and has made
insistent and repeated demands for spe-
cial treatment not generally available,
nol normally accessible, not authorized
n impossible to provide.”

PLAYBOY

to the we of nuclear weapons, I resent
such an unfair stereotype.

Even more frightening than this prej-
udice is the fact that there arc still
those of us who are quite willing to

against those who don't
iter's infamous
suggestion of denying public office to
certain religions is no different from the

one were to do a study and find that a
certain group of Americans were respon-
ble lor more murders, would that. per-

but not by much.
Lastly, this writer should be informed
of his incorrect use of the word martyr.
А martyr is one who dies for his belicls
without resisting. Martyrs don't press th
button; they sit at their radar screens
siles coming

watching the enemy's
and pray, "Lord, forgive them. . .

There ds n nd will never be
shame in that title. Of course, Christ
n only look back at such things as the
Crusades with a historical regret, but I,
for one, nocent of that blood and.
hope to show others how my beliefs are
s honorable as amy other's.
always the stupid, brutal and hea
every group of human beings: no person
n trace his history without finding
Чеге» and the like. The poi is
that perversion of a religion in the past
doesn't make it dangerous today. Point-
ing out the dangerous individuals in any

group ay representative of that group
only a pinhead's breadth away from
fascism.

Kenneth Chiacchi
Chicago, Illinois
The survey referred to in the June
issue merely correlated a religious faith
in heaven with a willingness lo consider
the use of nuclear weapons in war, and
Catholics were among those polled be-
cause Church doctrine is specific on that
роті. The writer's infamous suggestion
was pretty obvious sarcasm, aimed at
fanatics in general rather than at Catho-
lics, who, as you point out, hardly ad-
vocate nuclear destruction.

HICKS CASE
Hearty congratu
the Playboy Fou
Defense Team ney Nile Stan
ton for your ef half of the In-
diana kid who was two weeks away from
s execution date when you people
stepped in ("The Ordeal of Larry
Hicks" Playboy Casebook, M: y. As
you point out, murder i» one of the
ich to get a
viction, especially if the accused has no
knowledge of the system and по r
sources. While the idea of executing
criminals (and not just murderers) docs
^t bother me in the least emotionally,
1 am familiar enough with the weak-
esses of the criminal-justice system that
1 must oppose it on practical grounds. 1
do not believe it deters murder and may
as you yourselves

ions to PLAYBOY,
the Playboy

ats on

con-

RONNIE CASTILLO

Бы

AS
d

dent’s Cammendation of

investigator Russ
service in fig)

n (far right),

the Phil Donahue show and a segment of the

attorney, Nile Stanton of Indianapolis, reports that several TV and

movie producers have expressed interest in
close brush with the electric choir.

DEFENSE TEAM HONORED

The Playboy Defense Team's efforts in behalf of Indiana death-
row inmate Larry Hicks not only led to а second triol ond his
acquittal but earned ће teom a prestigious award—the Presi-
the Notional Associorion of Criminal
Defense Lowyers. N.A.C.D.L. president Oscor B. Goodman (left)
and executive director Lavis F. Linden presented the award in c
Houstan ceremony to PLAYBOY Senior Editor William J. Helmer, with
in recogniti
19 for the right of every citizen, however humble, to
stand before the bar of justice with a capable defense lawyer at his
side and due process as his shield.” Hicks has since appeared an

point out, encour-
ge the mentally
Cd to com-

invite
ial death at
ands of the
Also. too
innocent
people end up con-
victed of 1
s through the
indifferences of
public defenders,
the zealousness of
prosecute ad
trial errors that are
not at issue in the
ppellate process.
Frank Yba
Los Angeles,
ifornia

the

As an inmate of
the ме
Prison and а jail-
house lawyer, I was
most. interested
your article “The
Ordeal of Larr
Hicks." I know from
ing on hun-
dreds of cases for
inmates that his is

ın of "autstanding

Today show, and his

the story of Hicks's

not an unusual situation. The public-
defender system in Indiana is so poor
that it is not imposible for an inno-
cent man to get the death penalty or
serve many years in prison [or some-
thing he did not do. Recently, I got
another inmate a reversal [rom the
Seventh сий Court of Appeals for
ineffective assistance of counsel, due to
the fact that his attorney was also repr
ng the state's star, and only, witness
This inmate had been given a life sen-
tence and was here for six years before
justice was served. Too often, the public
defender a trial court appoints is so busy
he cannot do anything well. Fortunately
for Larry Hicks, Nile Stanton, who is a
very good attorney. took an interest in
I would hate to think what
would have happened to Hicks if Stan-
ton had not taken such an interest. It
is possible that he would have been
clectrocuted for something he hadn't
do: If for no reason other than the
above, the death penalty should be out-
lawed. You cannot bring a back
from the dead after you find that he
did not do it.

his case.

man

Richard Lee Owen H
Michigan City, Indi.

letter several times
and find it hard to adequately ex-
press the deep sense of gratitude 1
have for pLaysoy and its stall members
who provided so much assistance on
Larry Hickss behalf. The personal at
tention of Senior Editor Bill Helmer to
the facts of the case, his availability as
sounding board for our ideas and his
own suggestions were invaluable. A spe
al should be struck for Edito
Marta Carrion-Haywood,
icked down critical defens
nesses in the toughest sections of
She deserves combat. pay.

Thanks for helping us save the life
xl absolutely innocent
sufficient word,

D have begun tli

ob a very decent
young man is hardly a
but what more can Î say?

Your readers may be interested. to
know that Larry is working in another
city and. putting his life back together
r law firm is exploring
the possibility of a civil action that
pensate him for the time
у spent in prison and on

and that апо

could help co
he wro

Nile Stanton
Attorney at
Indianapolis, Indi:

Larry Hicks may well have been ra
roaded bes noney, friends,
and so forth, as you persuasively argue.
I'm pleased that. in his case. a national
magazine and a conscientious attorney
med up to see justice done.

But what about the killers and other
e the funds and the
influence to t justice time after
time, crime after crime? What about the

use he had no

punks who are able to stack up 20 or 30
arrests without a conviction? Or, when
cted, are quickly back on the streets?
What about the ones who continue rob-
bing, raping and killing while out on
bond, awaiting trial?

What kind of criminal-justice system
do we have that victimizes the harmless,
terrorizes the innocent but seemingly
cannot do anything to protect the aver-
age citizens from the predatory animals
who, if not above the law, at least ap-
pear immune from it?

Harold Newman
New York, New York

Good questions. We wish we had the

answers.

INSTITUTIONAL ALTERNATIVES

лувоу has consistently championed
the rights of institutionalized Ameri-
cans—those who, overnight or for a
lifetime, find themselves in a jail, mental
hospital, children's institution, training
school, prison or institution for the aged.
Although people confined in those facil-
ities have different problems and con-
cerns, they share one important thing: a
disturbing institutional experience.

One out of four Americans can expect
to be institutionalized during his or her
lifetime. This gross overuse of incarcera-
tion for everyone from neglected chil-
dren to minor offenders, from the
indigent aged to the occasional pot user,
has produced at least 30,000,000 alumni
of that experience. We spend 35 billion
dollars annually to institutionalize our
fellow citizens. Despite a plethora of
research showing that institutionaliza-
tion fails to accomplish much, and more
often does considerable harm, legislators
contractoi institutional employees’
unions, vendors of jobs and dispensers
of political patronage continue to pro-
pose institutions as a "solution" to social
problems . . . more buildings, more
institutional staff and more bureaucrats
to run more "cuckoo's nests.”

The National Center on Institutions
and Alternatives, a nonprofit organiza-
tion, represents the first concerted effort
in this country to bring together all
those disparate citizens-whose lives have
been scarred in the caging and who
would like to change things. Only with
public awareness of what institutions do
and don't do will there be support for
native types of care. We hope to
from your readers.

Jerome G. Miller, D.5.W.

National Center on Institutions
and Alternatives.

1337 22nd Street, N.W.

Washington, D.C. 20037

CURIOUS CURE

“Operation Grouper” was the code for
a Drug Enforcement Administration
antidrug campaign that should earn that
agency the name Drug Encouragement

Administration. During the operation,
some 30,000 tons of marijuana were im-
ported into the United States. Opera-
tion Grouper resulted in the confiscation
of 600 tons, or about two percent of the
total amount. Yet the smuggling effo:
was instrumental in or-
ganizing, paying for, staffing and plot-
ting were, by the agency's own estimates,
responsible for 30 to 40 percent of the
та. In short, the DEA.
encouraged and even subsidized the
smuggling of millions of pounds of Can-
nabis in order to seize a small fraction of
it and make the arrests that justify the
igency's existence and budget.

Without Operation Grouper and enor-
mous amounts of taxpayer moncy, the
boom in Colombian mi

and 1981 in the U.S. could not have
occurred. Ironically, at the time the DEA
announced the completion of the opera-
tion last spring, there was more Colom-
bian marijuana on the streets at lower
prices than ever before.

Even more ironically, the DEA—now
that it has helped develop both the
sources and the U.S, market for Colom-
bian pot—is asking for tens of millions
of dollars more in tax money to assist
Colombian authorities in destroying the
marijuana crops. These, of course, arc
the same crops planted, harvested. and
sinuggled with the protection and colla!
oration of many of the same Colombian
law-enforcement officials.

NORML fully recognizes the need to
combat the tide of illegal drugs flowing

FORUM

In one way or another, the
courts had already held that it's
not automatically illegal to get a cam-
era and take sexy pictures. Nor is it
illegal to look at such pictures in pri
vare. But the interstate transportation
of "obscene" films remains, alas, a Fed-
eral crime. Thus, а group of Floi
pornographers were taking a bit of a
risk on September 25, 1975, when they
packed 871 boxes of eight-millimeter
film and shipped them from St. Реге
burg to Atlanta in care of “Leggs,
Inc," a fictional company bearing
the nickname of a shapely female
employee.

Unfortunately for the shippers, the
boxes were delivered by mistake to
the dock of the hosiery maker, L’ Eggs
Products, which was not expecting
871 boxes of the malemale love-
making described on the labels. Still,
as one dock worker discovered when
he held a strip up to a light, there
was nought to be seen and nobody
fainted from shock. To explain why,
the Supreme Court included a foot-
note that, as often happens, did more
to sum up the case than the thousands
of other words in the lengthy opinions
written five years later: “Each reel was
eight millimeter . . Exclud-
ing three millimeters for sprocketing
and one millimeter for the border, the
film itself is only four millimeters wide.
Since the scenes depicted within the
frame are necessarily even more ті-
nute, it is casy to understand why such
films cannot be examined successfully
with the naked eye.

Nonetheless, somebody called the
Federal Bureau of Investigation, an
agent went out and picked up the
shipment and, by means of a projec-
tor down at headquarters, the intrepid

FOLLIES

G men found the evidence
they were looking for. In 1977,
the shippers were indicted and con-
victed of illegal interstate transporta-
tion of obscene matter, despite their
protests that the FBI had violated their
rights of privacy and had seized and
viewed the films without a search wai
rant. The Fifth Circuit Court of Ap-
peals upheld the conviction, with onc
disent, and in 1979, the Supreme
Court agreed to review the сазе, which
at that point had escalated to involve
at least 15 separate issues of constitu-
tional law.

Last year, the Supreme Court re-
versed the conviction, with Justice
Stevens, joined by Justice Ste
writing in the main opinion that, in-
deed, the FBI should have gotten a
warrant. Justice Marshall concurred
separately without comment and Jus.
tices White and Brennan concurred
in part but wrote a separate opinion
disagreeing with some of Justice
Stevens’ notions. Justice Blackmun,
joined by Chicf Justice Burger, Jus-
tice Powell and’ Justice Rehnquist.
dissented, arguing that the shippers
had lost their expectations of privacy
long before the FBI stepped in.

But for all the learned legal rea
soning that went into the case, not
one of the Justices suggested that it
had been a wee bit silly in the first
place to prosecute the shippers of pic-
tures that can't be seen normally—
and were not intended to be seen сх-
cept by people who could ultimately
do so legally by means of a pro-
jector, which is not a criminal device.
If justice was done in the end, it re-
mained blind—at least at a measure
of four millimeters with no то
projector. —JIM HARWOOD

PLAYBOY

For the last year, Victoria Station has been asking questions
of people who enjoy fine dining—some are present customers,
some are not. We wanted to know exactly what you wanted and

expected in a quality restaurant. You told us ani

You wanted more than the best
Prime Rib.

We listened. We added a wide
assortment of delicious new
entrees. From shrimp stuffed
with crab meat to Pacific North-
west Salmon and scrumptious
Teriyaki Chicken. And tangy new
appetizers such as Nachos and
deep-fried Zucchini. complete
with a whole array of new spe-
cialty cocktails and wine
selections.

You wanted more ways to order
the best Prime Rib.

We listened. We added more
choices in the size of our great
Prime Rib. so now vou can enjov
portions from as little as 8 ounces
for lighter appetites. to as much
as 28 ounces for huge ones.

You wanted more dinner values.
We listened. We have complete
dinners such as our unique
Gourmet Game Hen and Fresh-
water Rainbow Trout. with soup
or unlimited salad bar. rice or
potato. and a basket of bread. for
avery affordable $6.95. *

ve listened.

You wanted vour children to
enjoy fine dining more often.
We listened. Our new children's
complete dinner menu starts
from only $1.95* (cheaper than a
sitter). This menu includes such
items as Chicken Teriyaki and
izza to Prime Rib.

You wanted quality service.

We listened. As good asour new
menu is. it is only as good as
the way it is served. That is why
everyone on our staff is profes-

i trained to ensure your
total dining pleasure.

Thank you. America. for creat-
ing your favorite fine dining
menu. Now it's time to taste what
you've created.

Reservations welcome. Non-smoking

ble. *Prices may vary in
some locations.

کے
VICTORIA STATION,‏

The best Prime Ril
And now a whole lot more.

into this country, but we believe there
are more effective methods that do not
have the immediate effect of generating
the greater production of such drugs
and the longrange effect of creating
in foreign
countries and more sophisticated smug-
gling networks. We believe that the pres-
ent duties of the DEA could be morc
effectively handled by the U. S. Customs
Service, the U. S. Coast Guard and the
individual states. In a letter to David
Stockman, Director of the Office of Man-
agement and Budget, we have called for
the abolition of the DEA as а prime
example of bureaucracy running amuck.
It should be noted that in 1979, there
were 558,600 drug-related arrests. Of
those, $91,600 were for marijuana of
fenses—90 percent for possession of small
amounts of pot. Operation Grouper,
begun in 1978, has led to 155 indictments
that leave untouched the thousands of
persons presently engaged in the sup-
plying and smuggling that have become
even more lucrative as a consequence of
the Federal Government's counterpro-
ductive drug-control strategy.
George L. Farnham, Political Director
National Organization for the
Reform of Marijuana Laws
Washington, D.C.

HEROIN FOR THE DYING

‘Two years ago, a friend died in agony,
of cancer. I sat by his bed as he spent
nearly 24 hours of every day in terrible
pain; his only relief was from one of
the drugs prescribed for victims of mi-
graine headaches.

Now 1 understand that Illinois Repub-
ican representative Edward Madigan is
working on a sensible and humane bill
that would allow hospitals to treat ter-
minally ill patients with heroin seized by
law-enforcement authorities.

This is Madigan's second attempt to
get his bill passed. Standing squarely in
his path is the U.S. Drug Enforcement
Administration, which talks about possi-
ble misuse of the drug and its highly ad-
dictive nature, etc. Of course it's highly
addictive! But does anyone seriously be-
lieve that would matter to a dying man
or woman? It's also fast-acting and easily
| and is by far the most
effective painkiller available.

Britain has used heroin in terminal
cases for 80 years—successfully. "Thirty
other nations have also used it with no
major security problems.

So what's wrong with us?

Ted Gilley
Evanston, Illinois

The Committee for the Treatment of
Intractable Pain in Washington, D.C.,
includes respected members of the medi-
cal community who have been trying for
several years (о convince the law-enforce-
ment community that heroin use by drug
addicts is not a good excuse to deny it to
dying cancer victims.

POLLS APART

I want to direct your attention to a
recent New York Times/CBS poll that
txamines the way we respond to sensi-
tive questions. Sexuality Today reports
this question being asked: "Do you
think there should be an amendment to
the Constitution prohibiting abortions,
or shouldn't there be such an amend-
ment" Sixty-two percent opposed the
proposal and only 29 percent favored it

Later, the same people were asked the
following: “Do you believe there should
be an amendment to the Constitution
protecting the life of the unborn child,
or shouldn't there be such an amend-
ment" The respondents flip-flopped—
39 percent opposed, 50 percent in favor.

This poll makes two things clear. First,
the American public has a long way to
go in facing the abortion issue. Second,
we are easily swayed by rhetoric, some-
thing politicians have known for cen-
turies.

But imagine the split on these hypo-
thetical questions: “Should the United
States continue to build defenses in or-
der to ensure future world security?”
and then, “Should the United States
continue to add to a nuclear stockpile
that already has the power to destroy
the world ten times oyer?”

Jack Williams
Santa Fe, New Mexico

MADNESS OF THE MONTH
Our campus has been visited by a
splendid nut group calling itself the
International Caucus of Labor Commit-
tee, which wants to stamp out drugs,
pornography, homosexuality and even
Aristotle, whom it calls “the father of
kookery.” I think you'll be interested to
know that the newspaper these folks
passed out holds your publication re-
sponsible for just about everything wrong
in America, which is the nefarious work
of the “ртлүвоү Bunny drug-crime em-
pire.” But the best line is this one: “For
the past three decades, PLAYBOY maga-
zine and the business enterprises that
have spun off from it have been the
single most significant contributing fac-
tor in the moral degeneration of Amer-
ica—including the epidemic-proportion
outbreak of homosexuality among the
nation’s male and female populatio
Take that, you villains!
(Name withheld by request)
University of Washington
Scattle, Washington
How about that? We didn't even know
homosexuality was contagious.

The Playboy Forum" offers the
opportunity for an extended dialog
between readers and editors of this
publication on contemporary issues. Ad-
dress all correspondence to The Playboy
Forum, Playboy Building, 919 North
Michigan Avenue, Chicago, Illinois 60611

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The secret is ArmorAll Protectant.

A polymer chemist spent 10 years perfecting
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Armor All keeps dashboards, vinyl tops,
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And it revitalizes them if they're faded and dull.

But since beauty is more than skin deep,
ArmorAll penetrates beneath the surface. It
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After you use ArmorAll Protectant you
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PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: JAMES A. MICHENER

a candid conversation about literature, goat dragging, world travel,
liberalism and five-pound books with the perpetually popular author

Eons and eons and cons ago, before
there was land to make mud pies or
plastic to turn into Frisbees, before
there was water lo make instant coffee,
before there was Earth itsel[—the third
planet in the solar system, which re-
volves around the star we call the sun—
there was the primordial nothingness of
space, as virgin and pure as a newborn's
bottom. And out of that vast infinity of
empliness came a beginning. And in the
beginning was the Word.

Who spoke the word? Was it a funny
word, like Punxsulawney? Or a serious
word, like audit? Was it a spiritual word,
like Yahweh? Or a dark word, like
Adolf? Was the word spoken or was it
sung? What language was this word?

These were questions neither the croc-
odile nor the Diplodocus pondered as
they emerged on the land called Earth
hundreds of millions of years ago, before
there were caravans crossing the deserts,
before there was the hula being danced
for tourists on the island of Hawaii, be-
fore sailors wore coconut shells on their
chests on Navy ships in the South Pacific.

Uppermost in the mind of the vege-
tarian Diplodocus was how she was
going to heep away from the Allosaurus,

“Jerry Falwell says he's going to drive
all those people out of office, magazines
out of existence, books off library shelves.
He's not only an Ayatollah, he's a
Savonarola. He has a large hunting list.”

that savage carnivore who savored the
feshiness of her huge thighs. Allosaurus
had а jaw like a cavern, with rows of
gleaming teeth and the ability to snap
Diplodocus neck in one chomp, like a
Ritz cracker. Now, Diplodocus was not
exactly a piece of shrimp. From her lily-
padlike feet to the top of her reptilian
head, the creature stood 35 feet tall,
weighed in at 30 tons and dragged а 50-
foot tail behind her, Still, she was a
poem of motion, a sonnet of elegance.
Her tail moved swiftly to fend off the
Allosaurus’ attacks, bul more often than
not, she found it a troubling time.

For the next 135,000,000 years, these
dinosaurs would have at one another
before the evolutionary scales of justice
tilted against them in favor of lesser-
sized creatures, like giant mammoths and
sloths, wolves and beavers and the Paleo-
hippus, who roamed the carth 53,000,000
years ago, all eight inches of him, and
who, as we all know, became Eohippus
13,000,000 years later, growing four
inches and developing hooves. Next
came Mesohippus, two feet high, and
Merychippus, 40 inches tall, and Plio-
hippus, 6,000,000 years ago, and finally

“I don't see how anybody interested in
the humanities could possibly be a Yan-
kees fan. They arc the Republican right
wing. They represent everything that is
conservative and objectionable in life.”

Equus, who would, 2,000,000 years later,
inspire а Broadway play.

When Equus appeared 2,000,000 years
ago, another character was uprighting
himself and beginning to walk like a
cowboy. This was Australopithecus, a
hominid. While it is uncertain whether
or not Australopithecus discovered the
lasso to capture Equus, what is certain
is that Homo Erectus followed Australo-
pithecus, and early Homo sapiens and
Neanderthal man and Cro-Magnon man
followed Homo Erectus.

What distinguished Cro-Magnon man
from his predecessors was that he real-
iwd if words were what had started it
all, then they'd be worth preserving.
And since there were weeds in his gar-
den that bogged up his mind when
smoked over a fire, Cro-Magnon man
realized he couldn't rely on memory to
retain all the words. And so Gro-Magnon
man decided to read. Once he learned to
read, he needed something to read. So
some Cro-Magnons became scribblers.
They scribbled on cave walls and they
scribbled on parchment and they scrib-
bled on primitive stone typewriters.

These scribblers passed on their nar-
rative traditions lo generations of new

PHOTOGRAPHY BY VERNON L. SMITH

“We pass up the great men to be Presi-
dent. We don’t want first-class men in
that position: We want somebody who
isa stupid bum like us. We really are in
quile serious trouble.”

PLAYBOY

scribblers. Soon after came the 1000-pagc
novel, which a few scribblers learned to
master. Some managed this awesome feat
so well they became very wealthy and
were offered TV programs on public
broadcasting.

Out of this new generation of scrib-
blers came a child of unknown origin,
left without a name or a history, except
that he had in his blood the history of
all men, for this child was destined to
record the struggles of men and dino-
saurs and islands and continents in
books called “Hawaii” “Sayonara,”
"The Source,” “Centennial,” "Chesa-
peake,” “The Covenant.” He did not
know his destiny as a youth, as he grew
up in and out of poorhouses, hitchhiking
across America at the age of 11, going
to colleges on scholarships and carn-
ing high grades, going to Europe to
study people, places and history, working
on a freighter to reach the land he called
Iberia, which we call Spain, where young
girls threw inviting darts at him from
balconies and bulls tried to run him
down in Pamplona.

When he returned to his homeland,
he became a teacher and wound up at
Harvard, but his destiny kept him from
remaining there. He became an editor at
a book-publishing company called Mac-
millan; and then the Second World War
broke out and he went into the Navy
and was sent to the South Pacific. Des-
tiny's finger was about to tickle this
man, for he found himself with time
on his hands and stories in his head, so
he began writing tales to pass the time
and these tales were eventually pub-
lished by the publishing house he'd left
and they won him a Pulitzer Prize, when
such prizes had credibility. He was 40
years old. The year was 1947, and the
world was ready for him. Twenty-seven
books would emerge over the next 34
years and each would initially outsell the
previous one, The books were thick and
full of details and history and spellbind-
ing narration. The critics attacked. his
poor plotting, his dialog, his lack of
chazacterizations, but the public bought
and bought and bought his books and
few if any copies of his novels were ever
sold as remainder
contemporary author in America could
claim.

He made millions and he gave away
millions. Presidents appointed him to
commissions and made him a roving
ambassador; a state legislature invited
him to help rewrite its constitution; uni-
versitics bestowed upon him honorary
degrees; the Democratic Party persuaded
him to run for political office. Holly-
wood turned 12 of his works into films
and TV series, and a Broadway. show
based on his South Pacific book ran for
five years, At long lest, the nameless
child's adopted name became ѕупопу-

something no other

mous with research and travel and best
sellers. There wasn't a reader in America
who didn't know the name James A.
Michener.

Which is why vLavwoy sent Contribut-
ing Editor lawrence Grobel (whose last
interview for us was with George C.
Scott) to talk with him. Grobel's report:

“When I got the Michener assign-
ment, I recalled the first book of his Га
read. It was ‘The Source’ and 1 was liv-
ing in Africa at the lime. Although it
was 1088 pages long, it took me only
three days to read it. I was either very
bored in Africa or totally captivated
by the man's narrative skills. 1 couldn't
tell for sure and I wasn't able to find any
of his other work where 1 was living,
so years passed before the opportunity
to pul Michener to the test offered ilself
in the guise of a ‘Playboy Interview!

“This lime I got all of his books (in-
cluding paying $95 for an out-of-print
copy of his book on Japnnese prints,
“The Floating World’) and began an in-
tensive study of Michener's world. But
thal, too, was nol a fair lest, since there
were so many books and often they were

"I have bucked the system
against the literary
establishment—and I have
turned out to be one of
the most widely read
writers of modern times.”
———— ہہ‎

so long and I felt a professional obliga-
tion to read as many of them as 1 could.
So when I met Michener at his unassum-
ing condominium in Juno Beach, Flor-
ida (he also has homes in Bucks County,
Pennsylvania, and St. Michaels, Mary-
land), 1 laid it on the line: Reading him
the way 1 did was like cramming for an
exam. Twenty-seven books in less than
two months is not the way to sit down
for some leisurely reading.

“Michener, who proved to be a gra-
cious man, understood, He inquired
about my education, which is his way of
sizing you up before a conversation
begins, and he let me know his, which
is, considering the scope of the man's
work and his continuing search for
knowledge, prodigious

"His third wife, Mari, а Japanese-
American woman who has been married
to Michener for 26 years, joined us at
the beginning of our talks. They call
each other Cookie. Somehow, calling
Michener Cookie didn't seem the proper
tone for our conversations, so I stuck
with Jim. After three days, he stopped

calling me Mr. Grobel, and that's when
I knew we were getting somewhere.

“Micheney's study consists of а bare
room with blank walls, a single, mostly
empty, bookcase, a desk made up of two
smali filing cabinets and а lacquered
door, a Royal manual typewriter and
books on space and aviation, among
them ‘The Rocket Team; ‘The Епсу
clopedia of Astronomy and Space; ‘Air-
planes of the World; ‘Space Telescope,’
"Cosmos, ‘Apollo on the Moon. Mich-
ener, who at limes resembles John
Gielgud, sat in a rocking chair and I sat
behind his desk, and there we talked.

“We began at 8:30 the first night and
ke for three hours. The next day,and
every day thereajter until we finished a
week later, we began our sessions at
8:30 AM., when he was his freshest, and
talked for eight to ten hours, breaking
only for lunch.

"Michener is a serious, intelligent,
concerned man who doesn’t waste lime.
He originally thought he could do this
interview in two long days; but when
he saw the 50 pages of questions I had
prepared, he agreed to put as much time
into it as it would take to get through
them, plus all the other questions that
naturally arise during the course of
such dialog. He said he had never done
cnything like this before, and it's doubt-
ful that he would do it again. As he
would say, "That's done, now let's get
on with и?”

PLAYBOY: While you're considered to be
one of the most popular wri
America, what comes to mind
ately when one mentions your name is
the size of your books. They're often
more than 1000 pages. Why such long
novels?

MICHENER: When television came along.
there was this prediction: It was the end
of reading. the end of the novel. I saw
very clearly that that was по! going to
happen. I knew there would always be.
in a country as large as this. a residue
of readers sizable enough to provide a
writer with a base. I also saw, as tele
vision progressed. that people would
want to read more substantial novels
and would be willing to invest the time
if they felt that there was a reward. I
have bucked the system in every re-
spect—against television, against new
systems of distribution, against the lit-
erary establishment—and I have turned
out to be one of the most widely read
writers of modern ti
PLAYBOY: Do you think most of your
readers actually finish your books?
MICHENER: I suppose a good many read-
ers do not get through them, because
my books are rather fo able. In Cen-
tennial, there were more than 100 pages
before there was any dialog. That's
pretty heavy going. 1 sympathize with
the people who drop out, but the fact

Once every generation it seems,
something comes along that
changes the entire nature of home
entertainment. That time has come
again.

Pioneer introduces LaserDisc," a
whole new technology that makes
your television and stereo do things
they've never done before. Now you
can watch a movie or hear and see a
concert as easily as playing a record

And when you hook up the Laser-
Disc player to your TV and hi-fi, for
the first time, along with a television
picture you get true stereo.

And a television picture that’s
actually a 40% sharper picture than
home videotape.

And because the disc is read by a
light beam rather than a needle or

ө video head,
Finally, гу
9 touches the

high-fidelity television
with stereo sound.

disc. So,with normal use, it doesn't
wear out from play. You can enjoy
the disc forever.

But Pioneer LaserDisc offers you
more than superb fidelity, it's truly
the first form of personal entertain-
ment. Your television viewing is no
longer limited to what's on televi-
sion. Because you can see what you
want to see when you want to see it.
A whole library of Pioncer Artists
and MCA/Discovision discs with
movies like Jaws, Animal House,
The Blues Brothers; concerts like
Paul Simon, Liza Minelli, Loretta
Lynn, and Abba; sports like NFL
football, and title fights.

You can study the standard-play
discs in fast motion, slow motion,
stop motion. Even create your own
instant replay.

But there's something even more
remarkable. A micro-computer built

intothe Pioneer LaserDisc player lets
you access any individual frame on
the disc at the touch of a button. You
can go right to your favorite scene
in a movie, or a song in concert in
seconds.

And because you can view the up
to 108,000 frames on the disc one
frame at a time, it just may be the
future of education.

The cost of Pioneer LaserDisc is
surprising as well. Just $749* (with
$50* more for optional remote con-
trol). And a full-length movie on
LaserDisc can cost less than taking
your family out to the movies.

The only way to even begin to
experience the magic of this re-
markable LaserDisc system is to see
it. And we've arranged for that. Just
call at 800-621-5199** for the store
nearest YOU. **(n Minois 800-972-5822).
"Suggested retail price. Actual price set by dealers.

Simulated TV picture from Paul Simon

|
Ё

І weak та
Duas v di à

Q PIONEER’
We bring it back alive,

PLAYBOY

that so many don't is really quite re-
markable.

PLAYBOY: Anthony Burgess said you don't
have to really read a big book like yours;
it becomes part of the furniture.

MICHENER: hat's a wisecrack. It has no
virtue at all. You're going to dismiss
War and Peace and David Copperfield
that way.

PLAYBOY: Do you consider yourself a his-
torical novelist?

MICHENER: No, І really don't, because
a good two thirds of the book occurs
in the present. I think of myself as
somcbody who takes in the whole broad
perspective. ] do have wonderful respect
ad love for the old days. I try to figure
out what people were like and how they
n aged then, what the big bite was,
what agitated them, how they responded
to their government, how they foresaw
the future,

PLAYBOY: Is that the beginning of what
some consider your formula: taking sev-
eral families through the history of the
country?

MICHENER: I start out with this high re-
solve, and before I'm three pages into it.
1 get swept away by the magnitude of the
thing. I that is formula, then I'm stuck
with it. Is a formula that. Dostoievsky
used, that Cl т and Dickens used. It
n't a bad onc.

PLAYBOY: [s being called

popularizer

negative or positive to you?
MICHENER: hat's negative. And it cer-

tainly applies to me. Anybody who has a
book that stays at the top of the best-
seller list week after w
pect. My last few books have all had
more than 1,000,000 copies in pri
publication. Thats unheard of! If a
sells 5,000,000 copies and it’s read by
maybe four readers per copy, that's
20,000,000 people on one book alone.
‘That's, in essence, one tenth of the popu-
lation of the country. So you can go to
any airport and assume that one person
in ten lı ad one of your books. If you
crank in 10 or 15 books, I don't know
how it factors out. I don't think it's re-
lated to me, per se, but I'm pretty good
at what I do.

PLAYBOY: Is it related to literature?
MICHENER: That's a very tricky question.
I'm not sure I'm qualified to answer tha
Ther ity to the supposition
that anything th. distributed in those
large numbers can't be ve xl. 1 ob
ously don't think it applies in my case.
weve thar, If it
bokov's Lolita or Philip Roth's Port-
noys Complaint, you have to suspect
re

ап exact analogy. I don't use sex oi

lence or sadism. There's
dication that life is a pretty seamy
Gs. I would never get far away from
that, because tl pw I see it. But how-

ever you condemn Lolita, you can equally
condemn me. If there is a redeeming fac-
tor in Lolita, there is a redeeming factor
in what I do.

PLAYBOY: You put yout
pany. How do you
strengths and weaknesses
storyteller?

MICHENER: I don't evaluate among my
own books. I'm just thankful, almost on
my knees. that I've been able to get
through one of them and get it pub-
lished.

PLAYBOY: That may have been an early
attitude, but surely you don't feel hat
way now.

MICHENER: Oh, wait a minute, I bleed.
PLAYBOY: In spite of so many repeated
successes?

MICHENER: Oh, absolutely! And I know
my deficiencies better than most of the
critics.

PLAYBOY: What are they?

MICHENER: I am not v
I don't use word: well as Roth, whom
I admire enormously. 1 don't use social
structures as well as Joyce Carol Oates. 1
© the quality of that

elf in safe com-
evaluate your
a writer and

y good at dialog.

don't hi touch

"I do have wonderful
respect and love for the old
days. I try to figure out
what people were like and
how they managed then.”

Robert Penn Warr s. I do not begin
to project myself i life of another
to the degree of somebody like Norman
Mailer or Truman Capote, John Cheever
or even John Updike. I am mot very
competent in dealing with sexuality. I'm
good at it, but other people are so much
better, they set a pretty high standard. I
find myself pretty much locked into a
1910 milieu. 1 certainly have not pro-
gressed into the era of Judith Rossner or
Portnoy or Cheever's Falconer. | am far
less violent than Shakespeare and about
the same as Dickens. And I am not very
good at plotting; it doesn't interest me at
all. I could end my books anywhere and
start anywhere. It’s of no concern to
1 give a kaleidosc
PLAYBOY: But not
MICHENER: No, beca
Marcel Proust or
Lawrence, they do

pic view.
psychological one?

sse when you look at
mes Joyce or D, Н.
t so much better that
1 don't think 1 could ever do that. Some
critics have said that I represented mid-
dle America, which is not a bad thing to
represent, but my mail doesn't bear that
ош. At least half of my mail is from
great they all
writing in search of further knowledge.

scholars and almost

PLAYBOY: After listing all those we:
nesses, that's nice to hear. Do you tl
that what you do is rare?

MICHENER: I never thought so, but maybe
it is r than T used to think. I am
pretty powerfully grounded in the Ате
ican system. I suppose you can project
that internationally. 1 know what makes
countries tick and I tef
ground. But it can't be the sheer bril-
liance of my writing. It isn't because I
am the Charles Dickens of the 20th Cen-
tury. Nothing like that! I suppose the
bottom line is that I know what narra-
tion is and 1 have a gut feeling when
S tO go wrong.

Did you always have u

gut

MICHENER: І never had great faith in my
capacity until Hawaii, really. And T
didn't have it on that book while 1 w
writi But after it was over, with the
tremendous reception it received and the
vitality it showed, 1 alized 1 could
handle things, big themes . . . jeepers,
creepers! But I am by no means in the
blockbuster syndrome. I've produced а
lot of them, but I've produced more that
1 outside that pattern, like the book
on Japanese art, on sports, on the elec-
tion of a President. I don't hold myself
in great value.

PLAYBOY: Your publisher certainly docs.
But is it true that you sti
having enough money?
MICHENER: That's truc, yes. Гуе handled
the money problem about as poorly as
any other writer. Гус never been easy
with it—when Гуе had nothing and
when Гуе had a great deal. 1 have lived
my life as if the bottom were going to
drop out two years from now
would be a regional director for a Fed-
eral writing project. I now
if I had red at the age of 6
small pension from a corporation.
PLAYBOY: А few years ago. it was esti-
ated that of the 58,000,000. you had.
earned from your work, you'd give
56,000,000. Is that accurate?
MICHENER: The first figure is low and th
second figure is about right. We have
give ts of money
to schools and museums. But it’s silly to
talk about this, because when we die, the
whole bundle will go to colleges.
PLAYBOY: Have you ever splurged on any-
thing for yourself?

MICHENER: I'm a Quaker, so I don't spend
айу on myself. I would
pineapple juice.
PLAYBOY: You sa

worry about.

with a

way епо!

nous

mou

y that with a straight

face, You're serious, aren't you?
MICHENER: Yes. Yes.
PLAYBOY: Overall how much mone

would you say your writing has carned?
MICHENER: Some years ago. a man c;
lated that the Gov 1 collected

lcu-

salaries paid, the vast number of books—

Johnnie Walker”
Black Label Scotch
YEARS, 1 i 23 OLD

Success is often measured by how deeply youre in the Black

Come to where the flavor is.
Come to Marlboro Country.

P L san Me

Masibere Red or Longhorn 100's—
` yon get a lot to like.

Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health.

17 mg "tar; 1.1 mg nicotine ev. par cigarette, FTC Report Dec:78

PLAYBOY

5,000,000 іп taxes. Now the figure
would be up around 570,000,000.
PLAYBOY: That's just in taxes. Which
means you've earned considerably more.
MICHENER: Oh, no. We're saying some-
thing else. We're saying that South Pacific
ran [or five years and paid all that
money. 1 did see a fragment of that.
It's what the Government collected from
me and from Mary Martin and from the
things that were set in motion.

PLAYBOY: South Pacific, of course, was
based on your first book, Tales of the
South Pacific, which won a Pulitzer Prize
in 1948. Is that what first made you rich?
MICHENER: Rich? No, Rodgers and Ham-
merstein drove a very hard bargain. But
on the evening of the first presentation
in New York, they knew they had one of
the all-time winners, and I certainly
they voluntarily came to me
they would give me a s
of the show—allow me to participate. 1
d I had no money and they said they
would lend me the money, which was
quite remarkable. It was 57500. In effect,
they gave те one percent. And that ha
repaid itself many times. It gave me the
freedom of a small regular income that
a lot of writers don't have. The book
never did well, but it's selling as well
now as when it was published.

PLAYBOY: You were the U.S. Navy's his-

torical officer for the entire South Pacific.
How did that come about?
MICHENER: | served a complete, rather

arduous. tour of duty in the Navy. I was
in on a couple of landings and saw far
more in the Pacific than almost anybody
else. When I was through. I had orders
home. Then their file showed tha
also a historian and had am a
degree. So the Navy asked me to stay
over for another two or three years and
ke charge of the history of the arca. 1
tried to make believe 1 was bitter about
pretty ob-

t T was
lIvanced.

not getting home, but it was
Dus to everybody 1 was v
was almost carte 1

because it
visit the whole Pacific.

PLAYBOY: Since you were nearing 40 by
then, what made you think you could be
a write
MICHENER: Опе of the profoundest expe
ences 1 ever had was on the island of
New Caledonia during World War Two
when I survived, rather miraculously, а
near plane crash. Walking that night
along the airfield, I rcalized that I was
able to tell a story and write much better
than the people I had been editing be-
fore the w Macmillan. 1 1 seen
the operation of a great publishing house
that had the top best sellers—Gone with
the Wind, Forever Amber, And it came
to me as quite a surprise that night,
er, because I had never brooded
about this very much. I decided then to
spend the rest of my time in the islands
writing about them, which ultimately

became Tales of the South Pacific.
PLAYBOY: You've had а number of close
calls with airplane crashes, haven't you?
MICHENER: І walked away from three of
them. One was a plane that sank on
landing, lost some life. One was an over-
turn at a field in Samoa, no loss of life.
And the other was a ditch
dle of the Pacific the day th

ening thing. I w
there. Christ, we w

the oldest person
ге in deep waves and
the plane disintegrated in three minutes.
We were in the wa n rafts, for about
18 hours before planes got to us and
radioed a Japanese fishing boat.
PLAYBOY: Wasn't that the crash where
you lost a couple of manuscripts?
MICHENER: Yes. The entire book on the
Japanese artist Hokusai—and the out-
line for Hawaii.

PLAYBOY: So much for the wi
life. What other interesting sit
have you be:
MICHENER: Well, I was almost gored by a
bull in nploma. It’s most. extraordi-
nary that there happened to be a group
of cameramen there, shooting blindly,

er"

placid
ations

nin?

—
“My nose goes around the

corner. It's been broken

three limes. Sometimes

when I spoke, I should

have been listening."
—

ics of
rkable photographs tells the
story. The bull stands with his horn
three inches from my belly. The guy at
my fcet is dead. I remain extremely rigid
nd the bull passes on. We went out the
in the same area and, my God,
the bulls killed another gu
PLAYBOY: And weren't you almost. killed
in a riot in Saigon in the early Fifties?
MICHENER: J suppose that hotel in Saigon
close as Гуе come to known death.
The airplane things, either yes or no;
good deal of military action, you're
bombed and it's yes or no. But the Sai
gon thing, I could have been murdered
by a specific individual. Rioters came
right down the hall and threw people
out the windows, killing some, maiming
others. When they got to me, they burst
into the room and, lor some crazy reason,
1 stood with my typewriter over my chest,
‚ "You can't do it! Can't do it!
ve been in
riots. Гуе

when this happened, and a sei
really r

was

MICHENER: Yeah. We sought out the rough
spots. I have been very close to death a

great deal and it has ne
to me.

AYBOY: How often have you experi
enced physical violence?

MICHENER: When you look at my face, you
sce that my nose goes around the corner
It's been broken three times. Sometimes
when T spoke, I should have bes
изеп!
PLAYBOY: Were those barroom brawls?
MICHENER: Yes, once in Sp
America. Oh, and once I got hit right in
the face with a line drive in baseball. 1
thought I was dead. And don't forge
when lightning struck my cable car in
Buenos Aires. That was awful. My wile
ri and 1 were on the cable to Sugar
Loaf Mountain, right over the deepest
t of the chasm, and lightning struck

¢ loomed large

the cable car and knocked everything
out, then struck it three more times.
There were about 30 of us in the cabin

and it teetered there, no li,
er. It was a heavy wi
We thought we might have had it. Sev-
eral people fainted through she
Mari and I were the stabili.
in there.

PLAYBOY: Let's talk about Mari
moment. How did you meet her?
MICHENER: I was doing an article for
Life on Japanese war brides. They sent
me to Chicago, where they had some
very good research people, and they in-
vited this very bright Jay
knew more about the problem than any
of them. We met We
responded for about а year while Т was

hts, no pow
d, the car swayed,

terror
influence

for a

who

таг w cor.

in Afghanistan and Indonesia. Alter a
year, we got married,
PLAYBOY: Is she as liberal as you are?

MICHENER: My wife is a
servative. | am
libber. Much
She comes
nese background
movement has hit that g
"s a dill
has

panese con-
very strong women's
more so than my wife.
from a conservative Јар
and 1 don't think the
mp yet. Also,
ашу. My wife
ly 20h Century
titude, It makes her quite а wonderful
person in many respects. She is rugged
and bold and fights the moral battles
for both of us, so it isn't а big bone of

more of

contention between us. Fm looking
more toward the future.
PLAYBOY: Your wile was among those

Japanese-Americins who were put into
American. concentration. camps at the
outbreak of World War Two. Was it
a bitter experience for her?
MICHENER: She's not bitter

all, though

economically the — Japanese-Americans
los everything and they were never
compensated lo

PLAYBOY: How was she treated in those
camps?

MICHENER: She was treated abominably,
thrown into stables 15 to a room. Very

rl. She was born
t 20. There was

harsh for а young
in 1920, so she was ju

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PLAYBOY

a fallout that was constructive: Tt did
move the Japanese around. But when
Senator S. I. Hayakawa comes on strong
with h ements about it, I find it
completely asinine, because he doesn't
know a damn thing about it. He is a.
Canadian. Hc wasn't in on it and it is
disgraceful that he says what he does,
presuming to tell the American Govern-
ment what the Јарапеѕе-Атегісап
thought and felt and how they should
respond. He says that the people who
are asking for compensation didn't suf-
ler and it wasn't half as bad as what
they say it was. He is passing moral
judgment on their behavior. I find
this totally offensive.
PLAYBOY: Docs your wife talk much about.
that time?

MICHENER: She is very philosophical
about it. She objects when I use the
words concentration. camp. because she
says it was not a German concentration
camp at all

PLAYBOY: Are there any other words she
objects to your using?

MICHENER: When we married, I was in
the habit of using the word Jap, which
is a perfectly splendid invention. It's
short, it's accurate, it takes up little
space in a headline, it's completely de-
finitive. It seems an ideal word to me.
She told me, "We don't like that word
because of the way William Randolph
Hearst used it to crucify us.” I kept

using it and she We don't
like that word beca used so
pejoratively throughout California to
throw us in jail.” I used it a third time
and she said, “If you ever use that word
„ I'm going to take a catsup bot-
nd knock out the rest of your teeth.”
Then I understood.

PLAYBOY: Your first marriage lasted 12
years and your second one, seven. What
were they like?

MICHENER: They were very happy alfairs.
‘The frst one ended because of World
War Two, when we were separated for
five years and just never picked up. She
was a wonderful girl, daughter of a
minister. The second one, I was in
Korea for a long period.

PLAYBOY: She didn't travel with you?

MICHENER: Not enough. The caravan
moves on.
PLAYBOY:
caravan?

And Mari has joined the

she goes with me all the time.
You've never had children,

: It may be because of me. I
d a savage case of mumps when I
boy and that often produces
sterility. I had always thought that it was
my deficiency.
PLAYBOY: Did you ever consider adopt-
ing?
MICHENER: We did adopt, two children.
At the divorce, the courts gave the

children to the mother, and. then the
on was voided. The children went
nto the pool. This was very much
inst my wishes. 1 pleaded with the
court not to do it, but that's the way
they wanted it.

PLAYBOY: That almost sounds like some-
thing out of your own childhood, which
is supposed to have been harsh. How
do you remember it?

MICHENER: I never had childhood ambi-
tions. I was a very difficult child. I
don't think I was very likable. I never
had any clothes that were bought for
me till I was about 14. 1 was very self-

reliant. As an orphan, I was in the
poorhouse for two extended spells. One
about. weeks, one a long time. It

was a very crucial period of my life. I
saw a lot of disillusion. In those d
the poorhouse was the end of the line.
There were a hell of a lot of men and
women in their early 50s where the
whole ball game was over. I had very
bad moments. We don't have poorhouses
like that now. Other kids had spending
money, cars, got exotic ns. I made
up for it by the extraordinary richness
of my experiences.

PLAYBOY: In your autobiographical novel,
The Fires of Spring, you wrote of the
stark, wild terror you saw everywhere
in the town you grew up in. For your
main character, it was seeing an old
woman eat a pile of dead flies. What

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was your own initiation into terror?

MICHENER: | knew every house in a town
of about 3800 people. because I de-
livered papers in the morning. When

you do that, you become involved in cer
tain tragedies: The leading doctor. who
everybody thought had it made. blows
his brains out: a teacher is thrown out
1 becomes pregnant and
leaves home. Apart from the poorhouse.
which was а unique experience, 1 knew
my town pretty well, I saw lives go awry,
lawyers put in jail because they got in-
volved in a client's problems. At а very
carly age. | adopted the policy of attend-
ing court, which was right next to the
I watched the dramas un

of school; a g

schoolhouse

fold.

PLAYBOY: You also worked at an amuse

ment park, where you learned 10 become
а con m

a shortchange artist a
didn't you?

MICHENER: Primarily shortchanging, ac
cepting a two-dollar bill and claiming it
was а one. We played that amusement
park like an accordion, finagling the turn
stiles, stealing the bloody place blind. I
very quickly learned all the tricks of
the wade. IF I could get а nun to put
down a two-dollar bill, con her
thinking it was a one, 1 was the victor
When I go to the theater now and pass
money in. I watch ш every
trick we used. Is still flourishing. Amer
ican commerce. As you know, stealing

Theyre us

from the boss is just universal

PLAYBOY: Were vou ever arrested?
MICHENER: Several times, for hitchhiking.
In North Carolina, in Georgia: that's
where I got my fear of mixing with the
police

PLAYBOY: Whitt were you arrested for?
MICHENER: Vagrancy

PLAYBOY: Your childhood sounds like
something out of Dickens. But what
about Mabel Michener, the woman who
became your mother and gave you your
name?

MICHENER: She was а
really. She made her living sewing
buttonholes in a sweatshop, taking in
other peoples laundry. Yer she sent
four kids through college and quite а
few through high school. On her own

heroic

PLAYBOY: How many abandoned chil-
dren did she take in?
MICHENER: Oh, hell, 13 altogether

Every night of my life, starting about
five, she would read to us. I suppose I
owe all of my basic attitudes to her art
things she intro.
Ie was ап American epic

in narration and the
duced us to
really.
PLAYBOY: Were you able to repay her?
MICHENER: On а il salary, 1
bought а house for her. She never knew
L was going to make it

PLAYBOY: Who told you she wasn't your
real mother?
MICHENER: А

rather sm

college student. I was a

junior or senior in college. It hit with
an overwhelming force. I had to face
the very difficult problem of what my
parentage was and what my place in the
universe was.

PLAYBOY: Did you ever search for your
parents?

MICHENER: No.

PLAYBOY: Did you speculate about them?
MICHENER: You can't help that. When
things were going bad. it was fascinating
to daydream that there was a rich par-
ent somewhere who was going to come
in a black Buick and save vou. But alter
a very brief flurry with several profound
things in my life, 1 decided I was never
going to solve that one.

PLAYBOY: There is a certain irony that
а man with your researching abilities
was never able to find out about him

self. Do you think a psychologist m
interpret
search subjects as a search for your own
parents?

MICHENER: Well, here we're doing some
double-doming of a very profound impli
cation.

your enormous drive to те.

I'm not wise enough to answer
that. Im not good at that kind ol
psychological thinking. When 1
unmarried, I courted seve
were going through psychoanalysis. In
every instance, the psychiatrist told the
young lady, "Gee, 1 would like to get
my hands on that guy Michener.” The
great secret that one of them had was

was

al girls who

PLAYBOY

that I would be different if there had
been men in my lile. Christ, J knew
that at the age of two!

PLAYBOY: Have you ever been in analysis?
MICHENER: J always felt that this I did
not want. There is a great deal about
me that I don't want to know. I have
stabilized my life. I get by. I have no
belief at all that it is as good as it
could be, but 1 sure as hell don't want
somebody messing around with it when
І am reaching a kind of stabilization,
pitiful as it i
PLAYBOY: As a young man, what were
the books and who were the writers who
influenced you?

MICHENER: el Butler's The Way of
All Flesh, Stendhal's The Charterhouse
of Parma and Сео iots Middle-
march were books that really nailed
down my conceptions. Probably the most

Dutch writer named
Havelaar. Ol the write
lifetime, Thomas Mann had more
ence on me than anybody else.
Magic Mountain is as fine a. philosophi-
cal novel as could be written. I'm ex
tremely эле! 1. At one time. 1 had.
read almost. everythin; ly,
Wunderkind. Especially old
language novels, the great historical
novels. Гуе always been a sucker for a
narrative. I read all of Balzac when I
was 14. It hit me like an explosion!
PLAYBOY: For a young person today, what
books would you recommend to cause
such explosionsz
MICHENER: І would be quite willing to
sacrifice everything written 30 years be-
fore the child was born. With the ex-
ception of Madame Bovary, which is as
timeless a book as we have on the shelf
You have to be somewhat historically
minded to get the best out of Crime and
Punishment or War and Peace or even
Don Quixote, but Madame Bovary seems
to me as great а book as you can get.
I would certainly have some of Henry
е Washington Square, which
fully stunning book, or Daisy
Lampedusa’s The Leopard.
taste of
ting, Steinbeck,
March or Mr.
Edith Wharton,
a 1 „ to show a
woman writer can do with.

Miller.
Yukio Mishima to give him

Japan. In. American w
Saul Bellows Augie
Planet,
than Frome, Sylvi;
girl what
rivial mai $
PLAYBOY: You've excluded yourself. Wh
of Michener's work, modesty aside?
MICHENER: Either The Source or Iberia.
A child from the Midwest might have
his mind blow read Iberia.
PLAYBOY: Is that v avorite book?
MICHENER: It’s the book I'm fondest of.
I think it will be around long
time. A lot of people are interested in
Spain.
PLAYBOY: When it appeared, weren't

you criticized for being too lenient with
Franco?

MICHENER: The book was banned in
Spain because I was too harsh on the
regime. 1 was bitterly attacked. Then,
just recently, I got The Gold Medal
ie Spanish Institute for
‘one of the most defini.
odern Spain," and. the

tive works on

Spanish government itself has published

the book with certain emendations. Now
that they see thousands of people arriv-
ing with the book under their arms. they
suddenly realize that it has a vitality of
its own.

PLAYBOY: Which has been your most con-
al book?

All of them have been poorly
received by certain segments of the

population upon which they were
focused. I have been thrown out of
Hawaii, Indonesia, Bi 5 banned.
in Spain. South Alrica just. the
next line. In Isr у schol-

ars felt it was arrogant and quite im-

proper for someone like me to even

—
"I've always been a sucker
for a narrative. I read all
of Balzac when I was 14.
It hit me like an
explosion!"

auempt to write The Source, t
out later that the Israeli
said that the best adve:
has is the Old ‘Testament or a copy of
The Source. Vve lived to sce it all те
evaluated, fortunately.

PLAYBOY: How did the story of The
Source come to you
MICHENER: 1 w

all set t

1 with
то sce

Then I went to Isra
Lyons and Harpo Ма
on the shores of the Mediterranean,
We went through the du ons and in
the semidarknes, within the flash of a
second, I saw that the novel ought to be
transferred there. I borrowed a match-
book cover from Harpo and wrote down
the whole novel, 14 chapters. Of the
14 chapters that 1 noted, 13 stood ex
actly as 1 jotted them down.

PLAYBOY: Both Time and Newsweek were
very rough in their reviews of The
Source. Time called it a “laborious and
nterminable book . . . an a
unsorted facts and artifacts.
said the book was
coherence . . . the situ

tions . . . absurd

beyond belief.” How painful is it
to hear tha
MICHENER: Those arc modest compared

with some. If a man has written 31 books
and cach of those has been reviewed by,
100 critics, you've had some 3000
articles. So one is accustomed to
a pretty heavy barrage of both positive
and negat m. By and large, one
takes it philosophically. Regarding The
Source, when you т the book
is going to be read by probably 20,000,000
people, praised around the world, used
as a text and in synagogs, be a course of
study for schools and colleges and a con-
stant source of amazement to Jews all
over the world. you have to balance those
two, one e other. There's no
great problem. When Jews in Russia got
he book, they had them trans-
ncil into. Russian. and cir-
chapter by chapter

inst t

through
those

culated
hundreds of people. To hear
people talk about how they passed the
manuscript surreptitiously is quite a

g experience. Time is just an opin-
ion, not the arbiter of what's going to
happen.

PLAYBOY: There are a lot of people who
believe you employ a large staff to do
your research and that уоп don't really
write your books. How large is your май?
MICHENER: My stall is me. I do all the
research myself. Now, there are several
ns to that: Kent Stale, because
we were doing it under the hammer:
Centennial, the Reader's Digest turned
loose an editor when I was about 5
percent done; and for The Covenant, T
sought help, but the whole body had
been laid out. In all the other books, no-
body. And even in those cases, I did all
the research myself. You know, Irving
Berlin told me a marvelous story. He
Si 1 his life he had been pestered by
the rumor that he did not write his own
songs, that he had a little guy in a back
room whom he paid S28 a week who did
all his songs. Then he paused and
You know, it's true. But the trick is to
find the right little guy." Find the right
guys, the right saloon, you're in business.
e laying to rest the ru-
litle elf in the
all those books under the

MICHENER: Yes. But when I am through
with a book, I employ somebody at my
own expense to read it most intimately.
I send my material around enormous!
In the South. African book, at onc point,
Thad chapters out to five different con
nents. You get a lively debate. A guy will
write back and say. "My God, you must
have been in a tunnel. You didn't under-
stand what I was saying. However. if you
take this out, then it uacks." Whatever
I was interested in, I never had any hesi-
Tation to go right to the top and I have
never been rebuffed anyw!
PLAYBOY: Do you enjoy the rch more
than the writing or the writing more
than the research?

MICHENER: The research is joy. I can't

tell you how delightful it is to find ma-
terial that you're looking for. The
amount of reading I have done is stag-
gering. Thousands of books! Really
cane material, That is fun. The only
other fun I get out of it is the second
e it all down and realize

iow let's see what we can

second draft, I get a feeling of r
er. I never do on the first draft.
PLAYBOY: Can you anywhere, or do
you have a special room?
MICHENER: І need a quiet room. The view
is of no concern whatever. The temper-
e is of no concern; Гуе worked in
nd in the tropics. I work only
g. | need a big work sp
so I long ago formed the habit of bu
cases or a pi
bricks and putting a door across the
and that has been my desk. I have writ-
ten all of my good books on a door.
PLAYBOY: You use a manual typewriter,
don't you
MICHENER: Yes. The typewriter dominates
me. I can't think sequentially in an out-
lined form without а typewriter. | type
with two fingers and a thumb, When Г
through with a day's work. I have to take
а shower: I smell like a horse. The nerv-
ous tension on top of that typing is
terribly hard work. I perspire more sit-
desk for five hours than I do

myself te a jelly
PLAYBOY: And when the book is out of
your Is and with your editor, you're
still only home, ?
MICHENER: When I
it is 14 months bel
Deca
with a fine-tooth comb. Ii
The copy editor. the outside
people I employ after the thing is done—
all will knock h
meticulous edit

ge writer, but we've had awfully
good luck in doing it that way. They
baby me and I think they're very pru-
dent to do so. But, boy, this isn't just
done and then, boom!

PLAYBOY: Have you ever had any falling
out with your publisher when a book
mised to be a big seller?

they are failure
10 me in one way oi
some ugly things said that I r
deeply.

PLAYBOY: A lot of writers are going to be
very reassured to hear that.

MICHENER: Keeping
for four or five decades
cult thing.
PLAYBOY: Especially when the years spent
researching a project don't pan out,
has been the case more than once with
you.

MICHENER: Look, you don't terminate

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ented

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PLAYBOY

three books without knowing what an-
guish is.

PLAYBOY: What countries did they con-
cern and how far into them did you get?
MICHENER: Mexico, Russia and another
book. Russia, 300 pages. Mexico, Ran-
dom House has always been eager to
publish just as it is.

PLAYBOY: Will it appear someday?
MICHENER: I'm terribly embarrassed; I
don't know where it is. I am not a very
good custodian. ] think its in the Li
brary of Congress. 1 couldn't care le
It’s past: that’s somebody else's problem.
I have so many ideas, so many things to
а
PLAYBOY: ls the
а dead project as well?

MICHENER: At five or six different inter-
vals, I planned to do a big summary
book on Islam, but for one reason or
another, it never materialized. I feel dis-
traught about this, because w
day that passes, it is needed more
more. To think that I might have done it
nd didn't is a source of great sorrow. Т
fecl the same way about South Amer
and about Central At But one c
do only so much. I feel those missed op-
portunities very painfully.

PLAYBOY: What about Alaska? Haven't
you often been asked to write about it?
MICHENER: I have received so many invita-
tions to write about Alaska I had to put
together a form letter. I'm too old. One
would have to have explored the Yukon
the winter and gone through some of
the rough times. One could do it, I
suppose, from a library, but 1 would
never do it that w
PLAYBOY: How frustrating is it for you to
recognize that you're too old for cer
projects?

MICHENER: If that were the only gi
J ever had, I would feel, Oh, my G
missed the dog sled. There is а feeling
of regret, that is а physical thing. It's
still a possibility. I might get a tner
one of these days and give ita fling-
PLAYBOY: "There's a question about aging
you ask in The Fires of Spring that
might be appropriate here: Do you be-
lieve that old men forget what it was to
be young and wholly in love?

MICHENER: I've had the feeling recently
that older people do forget. I suspect
that the virgin love of a 15-year-old boy
is something rather more cataclysmic
than E would now remember it to be. I
suppose it’s the loss of courage as much
as anything else. Youth and love are
components of that.

PLAYBOY: You've stated that the older you
grow, the more impressed you are with
the marvelous force of sex in art.
MICHENER: І am, really. At various periods
in your life, you figure that you have thi
problem knocked. That now you're 4l.
you sce what tlie ball game is all about.
Then some 42-year-old man at the desk
next to you runs off with an absolutely

umored book on Islam

adorable waitress and it perplexes you
deeply and you sort of wish you were he.
So, at 4l, you don't quite have it
knocked. But by 48, he's out of your life
and this is all settled. And then some-
thing erupts with such passion and power
that you suddenly realize that the defini-
tion of sex that you had isn't quite the
one that the guy next door has had.
Then, at 56, it’s pretty well all put to
sleep. But they've been saving the big
guns for the latter part of the play. You
suddenly realize, Jesus, 1 wasn't even in
К. So now I'm 74 and I've
perplexity, апа now I have
it solved. A new Administration has come
in that is going to knock all the morality
the head. The preachers are taking
over and they're going to square

everything. And what do we find?
of the staunchest Republican Congress-
men, right-wingers, defenders of family
decency, members of the new party ths
going to revolutio
take саге of magazines like PLAYBO!
novies like The Devil in Miss Jones,
arrested for sol l sex and sod-
omy within almost a shadow of one of

—
“I was in the forefront of
liberal politics in college.

I led the fight against
fraternities; I said
they were crap.”
ee

the most sacred institutions of the new
Government. So, at the age of 74, I'm
just as bewildered as I was at 16, really.
PLAYBOY: In other words, your sexual
drive is still strong?
MICHENER: 1 would hate to reach a point
when I could pass a tennis court and not
at least notice а pretty player. D think
the game is over then.

PLAYBOY: 15 age, then, a ware of
or of body?
MICHENER: 1 had the difficult job of
reviewing Sinclair Lewis’ last books. He
was leaving the scene as I was comi
on. The books were disasters
apparently did not know it, 1 ha
luctantly concluded that I would not
know that my mental capacity was de-
teriorating. I am very painfully aware
that my physical capacity deteriorati
with each five years. Your eyes get weak-
cr, you lose a couple more teeth, you
can't run up stairs as fast. You're simply
an ass if you don't recognize that. What
you can't estimate is your own intel
lectual capacity and resilienc

PLAYBOY: Do you think Hemingway was
a good judge?

MICHENER: The Hemingway case me
infinite problems. Here was a man who
id оп the macho image, did everything
ible to cultivate it, He
outrageous interview two years before
his death, saying that he was as good as
he ever was and his juices were still
flowing and all of this monstrous non-
sense. Then, when the going got hard,
he blew his brains out. Anyone interested
in art has to come to grips with this.
PLAYBOY: Do you think it was the right
exit for Hemingway?

MICHENER: No, I don't at all. I think you
it right to the nd. E think.
you do what Hokusai did, what Titian

c an

уои keep going > 80 or
), if you're allowed.
PLAYBOY: Hokusai is often in your

thoughts. You've even said if you could
have been anyone else, he'd be the one.
What do you most admire about him?
MICHENER: He did marvelously imagina-
tive work and great art. right through
his 80s. He had a very broad perspective
of what art was and he was willing to
risk it.

PLAYBOY: Didn't he once say, “At 90 E
shall penetrate the mystery of thi
110 everything I do will be alive"?
MICHENER: That's the goal That's a
reasonable target.

PLAYBOY: So your best work is just be-
ginning?

MICHENER: That is my commitment, yes.
Nor fatuously, either. I really have some
things to say.

PLAYBOY: And we realize we've only begun
to scratch the surface with you. Lers
move on to politics, one of your great
passions, How far back does your liber-
alism go?
MICHENER:

а very high sense of
ity. I was in the fore-
1 politics in college. T led
the fight against fraternities; I said they
were crap. E led the fight for Mexican
rights in Colorado, because it was per-
fectly obvious it was going to happen
My books have a certain tolerance because
they reflect that attitude. In recent years,

I have served Democratic leader in
the Constitutional Conv I te
wrote the laws of Pennsylvania. Then I

was the chairman of the ve
committee that put them into effect
served on six Government commi
three of them presently. It's good
proper to be at the center of things.
PLAYBOY: In 1962, you were w
give up your writing career when you
ran for Congress. Were you suffering а
writer's block at the time?

MICHENER: A writer doesn't write con-
stantly; there are broad. periods of time
when he’s doing other things. Т
apparently one of them.
PLAYBOY: What would you have done had
you won?

powerful
rve

was

MICHENER: I suppose T would have served
my five or six terms and then, in the big
election of 1980,
kicked out as being too liberal and I'd
Of course, thc

I would have been

be about where I am now
critical question is, would I have written

Probably not. 1 must

those big book:
I never took refuge in that. 1 was
bitterly disappointed about losing. 1 wish
Thad won. I woukl be willing to sacrifice
my writin political career
because | place that very, very high on
а scale of values, maybe the highest of
everything.

PLAYBOY: But how many politicians will
be remembered as long as vour books?
MICHENER: Perhaps, but America has
very low opinion of its artists. We abhor
and novelists like
Capote and Bellow. We don't trust them
ion of

career to

are frightened. by

and we'd never give them а pe
significance, where other countries do. A
writer in the U.S. occupies a
lower position than he does in any other
major country. Look at the writers who
are exalted by their countries. 1 don't
think any of them compare, let's say,
with Thornton. Wi Robert. Penn
Warren. Bur. America would be embar-

serious

Чек or

rassed to have a homosexual poet like
Wilder in a. position, or a gruff Southern
original like Robert Penn Warren as an
Ambassador. Unthinkable.

PLAYBOY: Original thinkers don't often
get elected President of the 1

S., do they?

MICHENER: One has to come to grips with
why we pass up the great men to be Pres
ident. We pass them up because we don’t
want first-class men in that position: We
want somebody who is a stupid bum
like us. We really are in quite serious
trouble. Mr. Reagan is saying, "Let us
the Government of this country
over to the fine and noble and allwise
industrialists.” Not a bad
our nation was built in part upon that
Then 1 think, with a shudder, Wait a
minute: These are the same industrialists
who have been running Ford and
Chrysler and General. Motors for the
past 20 years. Are they going to be in
finitely wiser in managing the nation
n they were in the management of

turn

ea, because

cir own companies? I think we're in
the position we were when Joe McCarthy
was running wild. It was a blessing that
a Republican President managed to pull
his fangs: Eisenhower, in his very tardy
way. did just that. If we had elected
Adlai Stevenson in 52, the entire Repub
lican Party would lly
behind McCarthy and some very terrible
things might have happened. So we were
lucky it worked that way. It may well
be that Mr. Reagan can do thi that a
Democratic President would not be able
to do. But if he models his Presidency on
the advice of these 70. and 80-year-old
Cal

have had to r

ornia millionaires or the

nt, then they will obviously tumble

extreme

into disaster. T think he's probably too
bright to do tha
PLAYBOY: And if he's not?

MICHENER: Then we'll continue to fear
change: no antigun legis ddi
tional freedoms for the blacks, none for
women. no concessions to outside powers
The nation as a whole wants to retreat
into a kind of fortress and build spikes
out against everything. This is a fatuous
and hope. The normal movement
of society and history dooms us.

PLAYBOY: Are you predicting a return to
isolationist thinking?

MICHENER: In everything. It’s going to be
antiscientific, anti-arts, antispeculation
And they're going to have a free run for
10 or had the dismal
thought that if your children wanted to
study astronomy in the true sense, they
might have to go to either Japan or
Germany. I think we're in for very serious
pressures. АП of us
unite to combat them.

PLAYBOY: What are some of the problems
that most disturb you?

MICHENER: The new Christianity of the
Soutl h might engulf us all. The
new militarism. The persistent refusal to
grapple with the race problem, The peril
that publishing
wants to publish an endless sequence of
sensational novels. Things like that worry
me very much.

PLAYBOY: What, specifically, bothers you

tion, no

12 years. I have

ire going to have to

whi

is being put in, unless it

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PLAYBOY

about what you call the new Chris-
tianity?
MICHENER: We're developing a very able
cadre of American Ayatollahs who are
going to do this country in the way
the Ayatollah Khomeini is doing Iran in,
if we're not very careful. There is a place
for those people; they obviously serve а
need by taking religion, through televi-
sion, into Ше homes of people who don't
ve it. But when they branch out from
and become monitors of public
th and public morals, I find it ter-
rifying.
PLAYBOY: Is Jerry Falwell and
ajority at the forefront of this?
MICHENER: Мс is a prototype, yes. He
and Jim Robison are very frightening.
1 would give a pasing tip of the hat to
the great Reverend Jim Jones, who
served a very useful purpose in remind-
ing us what can happen when the
Ayatollahs go crazy. Scientology is fright-
ening beyond imagination. The Moor
very destructive force. I have
g that we are exactly in the
position that the Romans were about
15 years after the Crucifixion of Jesus,
when their sons and daughters began
leaving home, going into the c.
following a charismatic leader.
Falwell says he's going to drive all
these people out ot office; he's going
to drive a magazine out of existence,
books off the library shelves. He's going
to reverse the sciences of the past 300
years. He's not only an. Ayatollah, he
also a Savonarola. These people inte
pret the last election as a license to go
gunning. They will knock off all the
baddies, then the near baddies, then
theyll knock off guys like me. We’
going to sec very soon whether or not
they are able in 1982 to drive the re
maining liberals out of public life,
which they may very well do. They
get rid of the political figures in '82
and then they come after us in 784.
PLAYBOY: Who are the front-line baddies?
MICHENER: The pornographers; people
they don't like, like Jane Fonda and
that great singer, Joan Baez, III be a
. M the Moral
Majority succeeds with television, then
it will go after a whole lot of other
targets.
PLAYBOY: Whom do you place i
second line?
MICHENER: People like Kurt Vonnegut, Jr-
nd Judith Rossn ldwin.
Movies like Tasi PLAYBOY,
‘They've decided to exterminate from
public life everybody they call а scien-
tific humanist—that is, if you do not be-
lieve xd and the New Testament.
So the Jews are just gonna be elimin
ed if these people have their way. Some
have said so openly. But at what point
does definition become a consensus? If
it's a consensus, somehow, maybe, it can

Moral

combs,

the

of some redneck minister in Georgia,
hell, he can identify anything he want
This has to be very carefully judged
nd very vigorously opposed.

PLAYBOY: Do you think it could ever
get to the point where
country could be completely
MICHENER: Tt happened in Germany. Tt
happened in п. It happened in
China. It happened in Japan. Why
should we think that we are somehow
marvelously exempt from what's hap-
pened in 15 South American countries?
Why are we, north of the Rio Grande,
exempt from the great movements of
history? We're not at all! We could
be next.

PLAYBOY: You'rc avowed anti-Com-
munist. How do you feel about Sovict
behavior in the Eighties and the future
of that society
MICHENER: Russians are very much like
us, and it's heartbreaking that we haven't
been able to work something out with
them. Right now, I see mo possibility.
‘The behavior of the Soviet state is mon-
strous. It's a society of delusion, lies and

—
"I think violence in
America is ingrained,
cherished and beyond any
possibility of being
disciplined."

repression—and it shouldn't have to be
that way. І think Russia may hold to-
gether for the next 40 years and then
gradually begin to fragment.
PLAYBOY: What do you sce as your role
n all this?
MICHENER: І suppose that I will
the rem:
со
tota
domination.
fight, one
reiter
n my liletime-
PLAYBOY: On the subject of icism,
we've seen mpt on the lile
of the Pope, Неъ a triend of yours,
t he?
MICHENER: Yes. When Jolin Paul H land-
ed in Alaska, some of my friends went up
to meet him. One of his first questi
“Why didn't you bring Michener?
ny years and by
ination did I have
a hint that he was going to become Pope
I hold him not only in respect but in
fection. Like many other great men,
he's been through fire, he's be:

nd
ning years of my lile bearing
stant testimony to the dangers of
action in the field of mor
Its going to be a loi
that will i

е con

nt
tion. I don't think it will diminish

a recent att

was,

humor, wonderful wit. He was grcat at
ine jokes, many of which were po-
nature. I have laughed with him
until my sides hurt. And he is keenly
aware of the position he's in. I remember
after one long interview, he took me by
the arm very warmly and said, "Mich-
ener, if I get into trouble here"—that was
when he was a cardinal—‘do you think I
could get a job in Hollywood? You know,
Michener, I studied for the theater, I
wanted to be an actor.” And after every
session, it was, "How did I do?" I've seen
him three times in the Vatican and we've
always talked about telev
media.

PLAYBOY: What did you 0)
Pope was gunned dowr
MICHENER: I was hearts
cated to peace, a symbol of freedom in а
dilhcult world shot down just for the
hel of it. Insanity. My first thought?
Last time I talked with him, we talked
mostly about health and physical exer-
cise. He said he took great care to keep
in shape and I thought if anybody aged
60 can survive a blast like that, it's
Wojtyla.

PLAYBOY: What do you think about

MICHENER: I think irs ingrained, cher-

ished and beyond any possibility of
being disciplined. Americans love vi
lence in all its manifestations. With
world soccer available, we prefer Amer

ican-style slam-bang football. With the
rich potential of television, we prefer
gangster shows and auto chases. With
traffic controllable, wc seem to enjoy
killing 50,000 people a year with our
cars. Nevertheless, we manage a fairly
decent life amidst the slaughter.
PLAYBOY: Is America different from the
rest of the world on this question?
MICHENER: Yes. Ou tory and our
legend have deified the gun. It means

something quite dillerent to us from
what it docs to an D or a
Japanese. Thats why our gun-murder

ally higher than theirs.
Guns to Americans аге aphrodisiacs. Men
are macho when they have them, Wom-
en go bana the gunsling,
used to argue that if England and J
could control murder by gun, so с
we. Now I see things differently. Amer
icans want their heroes to gun down
the opposition, and I'd hate to be the
United States Marshal who

Texas or Kentucky to confiscate their
guns. We've created this myth of the
gun and I guess we'll have to live with
it. ОГ course, if we gun six or
more Presidents, we just might change
our attitudes, but I doubt even that.
PLAYBOY: Do you think Amcrica is more
militaristic than most countries?
MICHENER: „ Germ y has been num-
ber one, but we're a very close second
We idolize our generals to

rate is so fantasti

s over

invaded

seve

а fatuous

ecce 4 :

какчу.

ат

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ш ЕГ cigarette by FTC m

PLAYBOY

degree. Russia is at least sensible enough.
not to do that, at least not to transfer
political power to them. We are hungry
for a general to be President of th
country right now.

PLAYBOY: Do you favor the volunteer
Army?
MICHENER:

The decision to go to an
all-volunteer Army was one of the colos
sal errors of recent history. It worries
me terribly. It has produced a very
shabby mili
PLAYBOY: Where do you think the major
trouble spots for the U. S. will be?

MICHENER: The U.S. should unilaterally
give Puerto Rico her freedom right now
because this is going to be a suppurat-
ing sore for the next 40 years. I sce only
trouble there and in the end the dissi-

dent groups will probably prevail. I
think we will also have very serious
trouble with Central America because

of population pressures. Several coun-
tries there are increasing their popula-
tions at the highest rate in the world.
The influx that we've seen from Cuba
Haiti and Mexico is merely a foretaste
of what we're going to sce. "That's one
reason I feel so strongly about not ha
ing education in Spanish. One of the
finest things the Reagan team has done
so far is try to knock out bilingual ed
cation. It simply terrifies me, because
bilingual education builds upon our in-
herent weaknesses. If allowed to con-
tinue, it would ensure that we create a
situation much worse than im Canada,
Belgium, Cyprus . In Miami, if
youre black and you want a job, you
have to learn Spanish. That is insane
PLAYBOY: You've stated in the past that
Germans make people feel morally in-
ferior. Why?

MICHENER: I have had a great debate in
my life about the nature of God. He's
either a & because I'm sure
that in heaven every meal is a smorgas-
bord, or He is a German, because the
Germans are superior and are destined
to rule the world. It's just that every
generation or so they're delayed. If I
were to live another 40 years, 1 would
expect to see Germany united and knock
ing Russia over the head, probably
taking over France and Belgium and
Holland. I think they're destined to be-
cause they're tough, they're well organ-
ized, they write far better music than we
do, Goethe is better than Walt Whitman,
and so on right down the linc. They're
the world's best travelers, they're intelli.
gent, daring, they spend their money
wisely. And they wrote the best guid
books there ever were on this earth. Th
performance of Western Germany in the
postwar world is that of insight. All they
need is a little push and some luck and
they will organize Europe. I view them
with awe.

PLAYBOY: Since you're twisting the knife
a bit, we might as well discuss France.

ndinav

Americans often dislike the French; are
you an exception?

MICHENER: In no other country of the
world have my wife and I been treated
as poorly and as savagely as in France.
And we аге not arrogant tourists, we are
not people who misbehave. But, damn
we were just kicked in the groin from.
t to finish in France. You have your
unpleasant incidents and they pass in a
few minutes; but the French don't let
them pass—they want to drive it in.
We've been insulted for being Ame:
ans, for not being French, for not doing
things their It gets to be very pain-
ful. It got so bad that we refuse to go to
France.

PLAYBOY: So we'll expect no Michener
book on France. Skipping around geo-
graphically, how did you feel about our
recent experiences with Iran?

MICHENER: American behavior toward the
52 hostages before, during and after was
beyond imagination. It was overplayed
horrendously. To call them national
heroes was to betray any knowledge of
history. We allowed Iran to play our

“If I were to live another
10 years, I would expect
to see Germany united and
knocking Russia over the
head, probably taking over
France and Belgium
and Holland."

public-relations agencies the way a mas-
ter plays a The taking of 52 hos-
tages is something that could happen to
any country at any time. It is part of the
modern experience; you ought to react
to it that way.

PLAYBOY: During your travels through
that part of the world, you must have
encountered. drugs. Have you ever
smoked marijuana?

MICHENER: Of cou
thing.

PLAYBOY: Opium?
MICHENER: Yes, of course. We tended to
do that when we were newsmen in Asia.
We were in Phnom Penh and the houses
there were run just like drugstores. Its
evitable that you would want to know
what it was about.

PLAYBOY: How did it affect you?
MICHENER: I was in very good physical
condition at that timc and the casual
experiences I had were not strong
enough to induce much of anything. It
was an experience, I know the taste and
smell and sort of like it; thats all 1
needed to know. I'm sure that over a

ioli

Ive tried every-

three-week or three-month period it
would become addictive and it would be
an entirely different story. With ma
juana there was a general cuphoria, a
slowing down, maybe five beers. I
have had great difficulty in believing that
it was the evil drug people said it was.
‘The harsh sentences by the ‘Texas courts
are way out of proportion. Probably
everybody in jail under those terms
ought to be released right now. I would
testify and help in any case.

PLAYBOY: And ac
LSD terrified me, bi
did sce some horrible examples of it.
In Marrakesh, I was fed some without
nowledge and even a little was pret-
ty frightening. Somebody lik м
high-strung to begin with, it doesn’t ta
much to trigger my imagination. І can
get high on a Delacroix print, so I don't
need LSD.

PLAYBOY: As somcone who's been around
the world many times, you must have a
of bests, worsts and mosts. Four years
ago. in a magazine article, you said Af-
ghanistan was your most memorable
land. the Pali cliff in Hawaii the most
beautiful view, Angkor Wat the most
compelling sight, Bora Bora the loveli-
est spot. Let's add to your list of mosts.
Most beautiful women?

MICHENER: Burmese.

PLAYBOY: Most handsome men?

moan.

Best market place?

he great market of Barcelona
and the sook of Istanbul.

PLAYBOY: Most erotic place?

MICHENER: Tahiti. On the Lith of July.
PLAYBOY: Most repressive place?

MICHENER: Northern Ireland. The town of
Portadown. On a Sunday in February.
The bleak bottom.

PLAYBOY: The ugliest people?

MICHENER: The native tribes in Africa
with the enormous buttocks. They can be
pretty unaesthetic.

PLAYBOY: Most boring people?

MICHENER: An Englishman who has served
in India and doesn't have enough money
to go back to England and has settled in
the shadow of Gibraltar.

PLAYBOY: Ugliest architecture?

MICHENER: Nebras
PLAYBOY: Nebraska?
MICHENER: Nebraska

PLAYBOY: Most unforgettable people?
MICHENER: The Big Nambas of Malekula
in New Hebrides were maybe the most
primitive people I've ever worked with
They were cannibals. Cannibals are а
delightful people. We were just laughing
the whole time. I mean, if they're not
eating you, they're а very pleasant
people.

PLAYBOY: Worst cities?

MICHENER: The nadir would be the Bronx
and Harlem, Detroit would be near the
bottom. Northeast Philadelphia.
PLAYBOY: While we're in the mood for

lists, ler's turn the tables on you. Since
your books are so long, do you think
you'd be able to come up with, ah, brief
summaries of some of them?

MICHENER: Let's try.

PLAYBOY: Might as well start with The
Drifters.

MICHENER: A loving visit with young
people who are trying to forge a new
and dangerous way o£ life.

PLAYBOY: Tales of the South Pacific.
MICHENER: A group of American pilots
forcibly marooned on Guadalcanal sur-
vive by one device or another.

PLAYBOY: The Fires of Spring.

MICHENER: A young boy of no strong cen-
tral character is sarrounded by a host of
people with very vivid characters and
they modify him.

PLAYBOY: The Voice of Asia.

MICHENER: Footloose in a rapidly chang-
ing world

PLAYBOY: The Bridges at Toko-Ri.
MICHENER: The summary is exactly the
same length as the book itself

PLAYBOY: Wasn't that published in Life
in one issue?

MICHENER: I did that to see whether or
not I could write the well-crafted Eng-
lish novel. J satisfied myself that I could.
J could have written one of those books
every year for the remainder of my life,
but I took no great pride in it. It wasn’t
big enough, it didn't have the complex-
ity I wanted.

PLAYBOY: Is it your best-written book?
MICHENER: I would think so. But I take
no pride in that at all

PLAYBOY: Sayonara.

MICHENER: Critics have called it Madame
Butterfly revisited, but they must have
been drunk when they said thi
PLAYBOY: For those not drunk?
MICHENER: An intimate portrait of a cul-
ture in transition.

PLAYBOY: Hawaii.

MICHENER: The real thing is 25 times
morc alluring than the travel posters.
PLAYBOY: You once described it this way:
"The first 10,000 words are an essay on
geography, the next 60,000 are about the
launching of a canoe, and there's a
change of characters every 150 pages
after that. It might make four marvelous
movies.”

MICHENER: A very good summary.
PLAYBOY: Caravans.

MICHENER: An adventure in the footsteps
of Alexander the Great and Genghis
Khan; a strong, reverberating account
of one of the last frontiers.

PLAYBOY: The Source.

MICHENER: A summary of many cultures,
many vibrant characters and many con-
tinuing problems.

PLAYBOY: Iberia.

MICHENER: An affectionate ramble
through the history and art and con-
temporary living of a great peninsula.
PLAYBOY: Sports in America.

MICHENER: A critical 1с
nonsense of sport as
too much of Ame
PLAYBOY: Centennial.

MICHENER: A loving testament to the vast
empty spaces of the American West
and the crazy characters who inhab-
ited it.

PLAYBOY: Chesapeake.

MICHENER: I wrote this book with a
spedfic strategy in mind. Every man
who owned a boat would have to buy a
copy. Then I made the opening chapters
so interesting that his guests would steal
it and he would have to buy two more
copies. The plan worked and the book
became a big best seller.

PLAYBOY: The Covenant.

MICHENER: Even attempting to write a
book like this proves that a man is more
courageous than he is bright, but some-
times difficult themes have to be tackled.
PLAYBOY: Since it's still at the top of the
bestseller list, how controversial has it
been?

MICHENER: Very. It was blasted by South
Africa and now is being embraced
rather widely.

PLAYBOY: And, finally, Kent State.
MICHENER: A tragedy of the most somber
character depicting the end of a violent
period.

PLAYBOY: In a book like that, or in
any of your others, do you worry about
being sued for libel?

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PLAYBOY

MICHENER: Many writers like me are
very apprehensive about libel laws. In
my lifetime. the focus of these suits
has changed dramatically. It used to
be libel, which became very hard to
prove. Then it became invasion of
privacy. Recently, it has become an
extraordinary thing: unfair business
competition. The most brilliant writer
of this century was Howard Hughes, in
that he set up a corporation and sold
his life story to it for one dollar. That
corporation has gone into court and
stopped three or four books on Hughes.
So we view Hughes with respect. and
even envy. The son of a gun figured out
something that was brighter than any.
thing we had figured out. And he licked
the system on that.

PLAYBOY: What did you think of Clifford
Irving's hoax?

MICHENER: I followed the Irving thing
with the greatest delight. J was all on
Irving's side. I didn't object too much
to the year in the clinker. We all take
risks, and that was one he took and I
wish him well.

PLAYBOY: What about Carlos Castenada's
books on Don Juan: were they fiction or
nonfiction?
MICHENER: Fiction. I have a strong nose
for that, because I have watched it in
myself. I have worked in both fields.
PLAYBOY: A number of your books have
been made into films. Didn't Heming-
way once tell you he hated what Holly-
wood did to his books?

MICHENER: He did. I remember he also
said he went to see his movies with ap-
prehension and a bottle of gin. He
always got through the gin before the
movie, and left.

PLAYBOY: What has your experience with

Hollywood been like?

MICHENER: I've had a dozen major mo-
tion pictures and television series made
from things I've written. Some have been
superb. They've won Oscars, they've won
great nominations. Eight years ago, they
had a listing of the top 50 motion pic-
tures and three of mine were in that
group. The Bridges at Toko-Ri was the
best, almost better than the book.
PLAYBOY: How many projects of yours
are still available to Hollywood?
MICHENER: At any time, I will have six
or seven projects. People want to make
a musical of Sayonara. They want to
redo Hawaii. I've got three major works

peake, The Source, The Drifters, People
think about them all the time. My life
consists of three guys sitting in a bar
in LA. One of them "Hey,
wouldn't it be great if. . . ." Then some-
body says, “I know Marlon Brando and
he'd love to work on another Michener
book." “Well, if we could get Brando,
I know we could get Elia Kazan," Then
they call and say, “Jim, have you ever
thought of working with Brando again?”

Then they go and tell him that I'd be
willing. Nothing happens, but they then
release the "news" to The New York
Times. No harm is done, but if you
took it seriously, it would drive you
crary.

PLAYBOY: Speaking of lantasy and fraud,
weren't you once a fortuneteller or a
palm reader?

MICHENER: I used to be a professional
fortuneteller and made a lot of money
at it for charity. The secret is to tell
somebody 40 things—of which two come
true. Then you're a sensational зеет;
they forget that 38 didn't come uue. I
was known as Mich the Witch and
played it for comedy. When 1 was in
Egypt, I picked up a system of fortune-
telling that was really quite extraor-
dinary. 1 would answer any question
specifically, in considerable detail. It was
fraudulent from start to finish. But I
would hit so close that it really became
quite frightening.

‘There was one dramatic situation
where I became sort of famous. This
girl came in and the cards were such
and such. I said, "How did the operation

“Т met Cronkite on an
exploration trip to Tahiti.
As we entered this tropical

lagoon, there was a very
beautiful girl at the end of
the pier, playing the
Brahms violin concerto."

go?" She said, "What operation?" I said,
"Your sexchange operation." Just out
of the blue. And it was a guy in drag!
It went all over the county. I got in
the habit of saying the most outrageous
things—and they were true. I got fright-
Once, І said, "Don't leave
West Friday." And she left
and a few miles from her home, her
family was wiped out. When 1 was in
Hawaii, I became very good friends with
Henry Kaiser. He would come to have
his fortune told. One day I said, "Henry,
the banks are going to call your loan for
5150,000,000, you'd better get things
lined uj He went through the roof.
"How did you know about this?!” What
do you say to Henry Kaiser? You don't
say ten bucks! I have a manuscript com-
pleted that will probably be published
after I'm dead, about my experience i
this. How it was donc and my relation
with the woman who taught me the
system.

PLAYBOY. Why must it wait until after
you're dead?

MICHENER: Well, it's a little um
It shows the roots of this mani
it can be manipulated.

PLAYBOY: Of all the people you've met
i ейте, who were the men of

ignified.
ind how

genius?
MICHENER: In my lifetime. I have met
only two geniuses, a word that ought to
be used with great care. It implies a
certain intensity and ап intellectual
gear that is different from what you
and I have. I think about this a great
deal. Talent is extremely common, disci.
plined talent is very га
PLAYBOY: And the two?
MICHENER: One was Bobby Fischer, the
chess player, and the other Ten-
nesee Williams, who simply looks at
life and drama and the human condi-
tion differently from the way I do and
the way anybody else I know docs. 1
think they are both suffering from the
tremendous burden ol genius and I'm
not sure either of them handles it very
well.

PLAYBOY: Of the two, which one fasci-
nates you more?

MICHENER: Well, obviously, as a writer,
Williams has to take pre-eminence. I had
dinner with him in Rome or Spain.
We had a long night together. He was
just geared into something in a way 1
wasn't at all. Very impressive. What
he said made scintillating good sense. 1
had a feeling almost of awe that a guy
could be so . . . well, keyed in. But from
the point of view of genius in action,
Bobby Fischer is quite compelling.
PLAYBOY: Another extraordinary indi-
vidual you know is Walter Cronkite.
How did that friendship beg
MICHENER: That's a very warm relation-
ship, one of the most rewarding that
I've had. Cronkite is an authentic. he
really is. 1 met him on an exploration
trip to Tahiti. We sailed over very tur-
bulent seas to the island of Raiatéa
Somebody had wired ahead that we were
coming. As we entered this tropical
lagoon, about as far away from anyplace
as you could get, there was a very beauti.
ful girl at the end of the pier with a
violin, playing the Brahms violin con-
certo, We looked at each other and said,
"How would you dare make up a scene
1 this?” She was
When she heard we were coming in, she
felt the least she could do was giv
island welcome. One of the most ex-
traordinary experiences Гус ever had,
PLAYBOY: Is Cronkite a solemn man?
MICHENER: Oh, no, Cronkite is onc of
the great comedians of America. He's
got five or six shticks. The mad race
driver at Le Mans is as good as anything
you sec in vaudeville. His account of
trying to broadcast horse races when
the Mafia is running the station is ter-
ribly funny.

PLAYBOY: Art Buchwald is also a close
friend, isn't һе?

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PLAYBOY

MICHENER: Buchwald is terribly funny.
He, Cronkite and 1 have had a corre-
spondence that at some point should be
published. It dcals with the invitations
we all get to these afl
awarded something. We formed an alli-
nce some time ago that under pain of
h, no one of us would buy a ticket to
testimon for the two others. I initi-

ne were especially tough in putting the
m on Cronkite and Buchwald to bu

nce, I got a call on a Wednes-
An agitated voice from New York
nted to inform me tha company
anding living
They

Fortunately, my calendar was
tly filled and I had to say it would
be impossible. They said, “You're not
free? Norman Mailer told us you'd be
free." [Laughs] Now, Mailer wouldn't
know me if he saw me; Гуе met him only

night.
hon

once. І said, "Yes, І was talking with
Norman about it and he must have mis-
understood." Then a pause. This petu

lant little voice says, “Do you know any
other ican writer who might
be free on Friday?
Are the

Nobel Prize and the
rd the only two ma-
jor prizes you haven't received?

MICHENER: The only ones. I have every-
thing else. A good number of those are
recognitions that I've survived.
more prizes than I feel I
have to pick and choose very ca
among the many universities that want
to give me aw

І have

PLAYBOY: How the Nobel
Prize?
MICHENER: Uh, I

questions

Us the one

you're not answering:
MICHENER: I don't think I should. I have
а form letter that I send to people wl
write to me about the fact that I ha
ot received a Nobel Prize. It begins:
“When I think of the great men of my
generation who did not get the prize—
Proust, Henry James, Conrad, Tol-
stoy"—about 15 namcs—"and compare
them with some of the clowns who
did"—I'm especially bitter about Knut
Hamsun. who turned quisling in Norway
during the war and vilified every precept
of what а w ought to be-
much rather stand with the former than
with Then 1
script saying, of course, 1 rea
propriety of some of this, in that if you
look at some of the good people who did
get it, anybody would be very proud to
be with them. Its as simple as that.
PLAYBOY: Who among your contempo-
raries deserves the Nobel Prize?
MICHENER: It was a grave injustice that
Thornton Wilder didn't get it. He was

"I would

the Lauer

jor fields: novel,
ima, essay. There are other Americans
nently qualified: Edmund Wilson,
Robert Penn Warren, Ralph Ellison,
Bemard Malamud, John Updike. If
James Baldwin or Norman Mailer or
Joyce Carol Oates dug down and did
Some really substantial work, the com-
ince would be eager to give them the
prize, for not necessa е: азоп».
I'm not sure any of them will do tl
PLAYBOY: What writer of this generation
do you think will be remembered long-
est?
MICHENER: Vladimir Nabokov. He's not
like anybody else. He bears more res
blance to Edmund Wilson than he does
to any novelist. His place is very secure.
PLAYBOY: And what book of this gi
tion will be most remembered?
MICHENER: If Capote can cver get An-
swered Prayers completed, it could be the
Toulouse-Lautrec of this period, I found
the sections that Esquire published
quite corrupt, quite venal, really quite
wlul and quite wonderful. I he can
bring this to a conclusion, 100 years
from now I don't know whether people
will be writing dissertations on Saul Bel-
low or Bashevis Singer, but I'm quite
€ they will be writing dissertations on
pote and that book, because a
roman à clef summarizing a. period. He
has a better chance of being the central
igure of our period than any of the rest
of us may hav
I have great warmth for Truman. So-
lly our. puritanical, rather
needs someone who looks
an artist.
age you don't [eel you

good in three m

and behaves |
PLAYBOY; An i
have?
MICHENER: I've never been taken for a
writer.

PLAYBOY: What is the image of a writer?

cross betwe

n Hemingway
ity ol us don't
fall into that category. Today the proto-
type would be Mailer.
PLAYBOY: A writer you've
compared wi
do you th of his work?
MICHENER: Wouk and I fall into the
category. I'm very proud to be ther
him. He has been underevalu:
critics. His books wil
time, especially The Caine Mutiny
Winds of War.
PLAYBOY: What
Márquez?
MICHENER: I love explosive, poetic writ-
That's why I'm so fond of D. H
Lawrence, because he docs things that
the rest of us can't do. And Márquez
into that category very beautilully.
PLAYBOY: Hermann Hesse?

MICHENER: I found him the kind of writer
that college juniors are going to go ape
pout. I don't think he adds up to very
much in the long run.

PLAYBOY: Alexander Solzhenitsy

often been

ed by

1 be read for а long
and

about Gabriel С;

MICHENER: Н
But I think h
people will be
theyre Mussolini
Günter Grass.
PLAYBOY: What about T. S. Eliot?
MICHENER: I have enormous trouble with
Eliot. He had a tremendously compact
form of expression. But he was such a
е and such a fascist

п authentic, a real voice.
"s а fascist. Still, brilliant
tened to, whether
or Solzhenitsyn or

Knut Hamsun. I just have a higher
Some

ndard of behavior than that.
things аге forgivable, but not the
hilation of one’s fellow people.
PLAYBOY: ‘Thomas Hardy?
MICHENER: If J stand up and cross n
self three times and genullect, you'll
forgive me. but Hardy is so good that
l can hardly believe it. Thc opening
chapter of The Mayor of Casterbridge
should be read by every would-be novel-
st. 1 cannot imagine a better op:
I sand in awe of this man, as I do of
Dickens.

PLAYBOY: What about Marl
MICHENER: Mark Twain gives me a gri
deal of trouble. Huckleberry Finn is
probably our finest American novel. I
prefer it to Moby Dick, because there
is more humanity in it. it's more easily
apprehensible. But Twain as a traveler
was despicable. Whenever

write about а for

1 want to

ign country, I read
"Twain to be sure th t do the
things he did, the casy wisecracks, laugh-
ing at everything that was not Anglo-
Saxon, playing the boob. 1 find it just
repulsive.

PLAYBOY: Cervantes?

MICHENER: I revere him. It just staggers
you th tion should so adopt a
man а nation. that
wouldnt, at many points, have tolerat-
ed the son of a bitch. He would have

been in jail in Franco's Spain, in Bour
bon Spain, in jail nine tenths of the
time, as he was. W's somewhat like

merica and Walt Whitman. We all

now agree that he was probably our
greatest poet, yet at no point would we
have wanted him walking down the
in street of Philadelphia or Denver
antes is the gr nple of the
fact that you cannot write these stu-
pendous books in an armchair in a bleak
room. You might do something else, but
not Don Quixote. 1 obviously feel an
intense personal relationship with Cer-
vantes, because 1 have worked ii
of the fields he worked in and 1 know
intuitively that gun
accomplished.

PLAYBOY. Let's uy two contemporaries
Joseph Heller?

MICHENER: It would be a very high ac
complishment, indeed, for any writer to
put a word into the English lan.
guage, and he has done so and the rest

some

what son of a

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of us haven't. That's probably the meas-
ure of his importance.
PLAYBOY: And Thomas Pynchon?
MICHENER: Young people in college ought.
to be reading him far more than me,
simply to test their ability to under-
stand, just as I cut my teeth on the very
best that was being done in my period.
PLAYBOY: Was Hemingway one who great-
ly influenced you?
MICHENER: Yes. The majesty of his sen-
tence structure, his paragraphing, the
use of words. I never fell prey to his
1 saw that as fake—his desire
to be incognito and yet adopt a costume
that was at least as flamboyant as Tol-
stoy's. I loved the guy. He was so shame-
less. I would be very happy to stand in
his shadow.
PLAYBOY: When you met him, did he give
you any advice?
MICHENER: He said that І wrote about
people as if they had to earn a living
nd he :d to do that as well. And he
l, "It's not enough to be known as а
good Philadelphia writer, you want to go
up against the champions." And that is
my credo. I don't want to be known as a
good Philadelphia writer, as a good
South Pacific writer. Hemingway gave
me my attitude.
PLAYBOY: Music has also been an
portant influence, hasn't it?
MICHENER: І listen to music every day of
my life. A major factor in my education
was opera. I know a dozen of them by
heart and can conduct them, if 1 have a
score. A great deal of the storytelling
quality I have comes from this.
PLAYBOY: The work you're researching
now, about space travel, sounds likc a
departure for you. Will that be your
next book?
MICHENER: "That's a very good question. I
am certainly going forward arduously in
the space project, but what 1 might pub-
lish next I am far less secure about. It i:
of such magnitude and requires so much
work, whether something will intrude
between it and its publication I really
can't say. But I do know a heck of a lot
of people ought to be reading it and
seeing things the way I see them
PLAYBOY: You mean you fecl it could be
the culmination of all your work?
MICHENER: Yes, yes, it could well be.
PLAYBOY: We hesitate to ask—will the
space book start with prehistoric birds?
MICHENER: No, but in space, to go back
15,000 years, you need to start only 20
years ago. We really know very little:
we're primitives. We are in an age com-
parable to that of Copernicus. The dis-
coveries we arc making are рой Б to be
of such magnitude that we are going to
have to rethink a great deal of the uni-
verse. І probably want to go forward to
about 1990, but the people at Random
House will probably collapse and it will
be hacked back to 1982. They go crazy
because 1 like to end the book four years
alter the writing date and they are all

machoism,

im-

appalled by what might happen in those
four years.

PLAYBOY: You obviously feel that the
exploration of space is essential.
MICHENER: Absolutely. If we don't do it,
Japan and China and Germany will. If
the civilian space program falls far be-
hind, the Reagan Administration will
push it all into the military. And mili-
tary considerations work against space
treaties and moon treaties. We're at the
period that the world was when the
Pope divided the world in 1493. It was
just as mysterious to him as space is to
us, giving half of it to Portugal and the
other half to Spain. We're in that primi-
tive period.

PLAYBOY: You've testified before Congress
on our scientific future and you serve on
committees that counsel NASA and Con-
gress on space policy. How much ad-
vanced thinking is going on regarding
the future of space?

MICHENER: I attended a meeting with 30
of the brightest men in the world, trying
to speculate for two weeks where we are
going to be around 2010. A man from
Cornell pointed out that in 1938, Presi-
dent Roosevelt convened a similar group
to advise him on what might happen in
the next decade and those men failed to
predict penicillin, radar, television, the
atomic bomb and rockets, all of which
happened within the next five years! But
we are getting some indication with the
manipulation of DNA, from what the
Russians arc doing in space, from what
the most primitive types are able to do
in urban guerrilla warfar
PLAYBOY: OK, just to lighten up, is it true
that you couldn't be a close friend of
Bennett Cerf's because he was a Yankees
fan?

MICHENER: "That's right. I don't see how
anybody who is seriously interested
the arts from a humanistic point of view
could be a Yankees fan. They are the
establishment, the Republican right
wing. They represent everything that is
conservative and objectionable in life. A
really good year for me is when the
Yankecs are ahead by 11 games in mid-
July and then Boston comes on strong
and beats them out. That is the way God
intended that it should be.

PLAYBOY: Are you the only writer in
America who isn't a boxing fan?
MICHENER: I'm not only not a fan, I'm
quite opposed to it. The way we use
boxers is pretty much the way the
impresario uses a bull, just for the fun
of it.

PLAYBOY: Still, it's not as violent as goat
dragging.

MICHENER: Goat dragging, yeah, that's
the wildest thing I've ever seen in sports.
PLAYBOY: You've witnessed that in north-
ern Afghanistan. Would you describe it?
MICHENER: You get about 150 Afghan
horsemen who are divided into two
teams, with a goal at each end of
the field. The field is ten times as big

as a football field, You take a goat and
put him in the middle of the field. At
the signal, the two teams dash in and
somebody grabs the goat. He gets hold
of one leg and the other team gets
hold of the other leg and they fight
about it. If it looks as if your team is
going to score an early goal and the
game is over, you tackle your own man
and just beat the hell out of him until
he lets go of the goat. After about 12
minutes, the goat has been torn apart.
It isn't always identifiable as to which
part really represents the ball in this
affair. It gets rather messy and every-
body gets bloody. After about 80 m
utes, with bodies all over the field and
horses with broken legs and the goat
torn into six pieces, somebody gallops
up to the goal and his own teammates
are too exhausted to beat him and he
scores the glorious victory. It's some ball
game! It’s not polo the way they play it
on the greens of England or in Palm
Beach.

PLAYBOY: Nor baseball.

MICHENER: Yes, I feel a great affinity for
baseball, the leisurely way it unfolds
and the way they take time. The anal-
ogy with what I do is close. It's drawn
out, it can build up some tremendous
climaxes and there is a decency about it.
One of the greatest crimes against
American culture is the designated hit-
ter. Anybody who can support that
would probably support child labor and
women working in sweat factories and
gasoline at five dollars a gallon. It's an
abomination and ought to be stopped.
PLAYBOY: To keep the analogy going,
which baseball player is most like the
writer you'd like to be?

MICHENER: Robin Roberts. In his latter
years, he had lost his really powerful
fast ball, but he pitched for the Phillies,
losing one-nothing, two-one, three-two
11 innings. In other words, he was
pitching absolutely superbly and they
weren't giving him many runs and he was
still winning 19 or 20 games. I would like
to be like that. I have great respect for
the man who gets completely knocked
out of the park and comes back the next
day—in control. 1 see that as an analog
to life and I would like to be that way.
PLAYBOY: So a satisfactory epitaph for
you would be: He was the Robin Rob-
erts of the literary world?

MICHENER: I would not be at all unhappy
with it. Theodore Dreiser was that. Zola
was that.

PLAYBOY: Let's end with a note of hope.
What has given you hope and pleasure
nd satisfaction of late?

MICHENER: Jalapeño jelly with cream
cheese. There's still hope for the world
if we can соте up with something that
good this late in the day. Jalapeno jelly
has given me more hope than the neu-

tron bomb.

WHAT SORT OF MAN READS STAVES

He's the man who can take an afternoon spent washing the car and turn it into a day of sun
and spray. He takes life just as it comes but always adds a sheen to what it brings his way.
The women who join him share his vigor and his soft-pedaled polish, because they appreci-
ate little things done well. He reads PLAYBOY, not because its pages are slick but y
because it speaks for a sophisticated lifestyle that shines without having to try.

RUTHLESS MOTHERS:
MONEY VALUES AND
INME DECADE

in the sixties, it was campus activists; in the
seventies, est grads. now meet the money-hungry species
that serves as barometer for the eighties

article By DONALD Ж» KATZ

ACH FRIDAY AFTERNOON during the fall of 1970, just after the invasion of

Cambodia and the shootings at Kent State—at a time when only 18

percent of the republic's 9,000,000 college students said that money was
important to them—a freshman ГЇЇ call Steven Shine would put on a wide tie and
take the subway to New York's Pennsylvania Station to pick up women. He would
stroll over the terrazzo toward a pretty woman standing in a ticket line near
the Long Island Railroad platforms and extract a fat wallet all but groaning
from the strain of a thick ream of $50 bills. Then, “accidentally on purpose,” as
he used to say, he would spill his father's loot all over the young woman's shoes
like a deck of cards and then ask her for a date.

Most of his fellow students considered Shine to be a freak, an embarrassing
anachronism—little but a passing distraction from the serious business of ending
a war and stamping out racism. It was pitiful that the poor kid’s sense of self was
so underdeveloped that he believed a gesture of such extravagance would endear
him to women. It didn’t make sense. Most of us didn’t even carry wallets at the
time, such was our collective contempt for cash and all that it symbolized. Young
people mutilated money by shoving it into jeans pockets. And here was this
fellow, noted only for his lack of wit, his absence of charm and his complete
innocence of the abiding political intelligence of the moment, defying every
reasonable attitude toward money by returning from the train station each
Friday night with another beautiful commuter who'd missed her train.

We all tried to explain to him that money simply was no longer the issue—at
least it wasn't our issue. Affluence had suffused the land and spread money over
everything outside the ghettos like the muck that it was, because America in 1970
was still whirling with the most dazzling economic performance in the world's
history. Much of the strength of the alternative thinking of the time was based
on our belief that all the establishment's affluence and its attendant power still
hadn't made a dent in crime, war, poverty, or even unhappiness. Steven Shine
could have been America, we thought, with his ludicrous displays of abundance.
He seemed so deluded as to the important things in life. We tried to tell him
that he was part of a generation destined to rise above the great national impedi-
ment, the all-American love of money.

"Come on, guys,” he would say. "What's wrong with money? 1 don't under-
stand it, either, but it gets me lai

"Damn it, Steve," I remember saying, "the Depression was a long time ago.
You weren't a poor kid. Besides, flashing money in public like that is crude."

"Look," he said, "I don't play the guitar; Im not in SDS; I'm not into

ILLUSTRATION BY BRAO HOLLANO

JERRY RUBINV'S
RADICAL MOVEMENT

a chat with the yippie-turned-capitalist,
who believes the difference between deals and
ideals is all in the “i” of the beholder

Jerry Rubin has been through some changes. In the Sixties, he and
fellow Yippie clown prince Abbie Hoffman led demonstrations against every-
thing from racism to the Vietnam war. “Money is violence,” he said at the
time, In the Seventies, he reportedly tried a wide variety of Me Decade nos-
trums, including est and Rolfing. In 1980, he became director of business
development for John Muir & Company, a New York-based national stock-
brokerage firm that raises venture capital for growing companies. "Money
is power,” he recently declared in an article he wrote for the Op-Ed page of
The New York Times titled “Guess Who's Coming to Wall Street” Asso
ciate New York Editor Tom Passavant met Rubin at his East Side high-rise
apartment for the following interview.

PLAYBOY: What is your reaction to the economic squeeze play that seems
to be affecting the baby-boom generation so harshly?

RUBIN: Well, I'm somebody who believes in historical cycles. If the Sixties
was a time of judging for me personally, the Seventies was a time of trying
to find out who I was as a man and a human being. And now, in the
Fighties, I want action. I want to be a productive person.

PLAYBOY: For yourself or for society in general?
RUBIN: Both. It's not enough to write visionary poetry or create demonstra-
tions. It's time to find out how things work. I think the Sixties generation is
not besieged or caught between two other generations. It’s really a vanguard
generation.

PLAYBOY: Will people emerge from the economic crisis with cnough of their
ies intact to seriously change the system?

I don't know. I'm not a politician who has to make optimistic pre-
ns. All I can say is that without power, nothing is accomplished. The
key to power im the Eight money, and that was not the key in the
Sixties.

rrAvBov: How did we get into a situation in which money and power are
so closely allied?

ким: 1 think that money and power have always been historically con
nected, The Six was kind of an anomaly, when there was a chance for a
itual power to be expressed. A lot of people criticize me because
"He's copping out by going after money.” Well, I think the oppo-
site is true. I think that for the generation of the (concluded on page 214)

drugs—I'm into taking $50 bills to the
train station and picking up girls."

If someone had tried to tell me at the
time that I would someday gaze back at
Shine as a man ahead of his time, I
probably would have thought it about as
likely as that student-bashing governor
out in California becoming President of
the United States.

Could it have been only 11 years
ago? Didn't polls at the time announce
that fully 76 percent of us wanted far less
emphasis on money in the culture? In-
credibly, a survey conducted for a Rocke-
feller fund in 1970 found that six out
of ten students said they harbored "no
doubts about their ability to make as
much money as they might want to.”
For the first time in modern Western
history, I used to tell Shine, money was

the least of the worries of a huge mid-
dle-class generation.

But then the sky fell. The most
efficient economy ever began to

tip all over itself and was beset

by energy crises, unemployment,

rampant inflation, scarcity, re-

trenchment and a whole world of

people who didn’t know the value
of a dollar—because it was almost
always in some sort of violent decline.
By 1976, four out of ten Americans
said they had lost their faith in the
American dream. Increases in crime, di-
vorce and suicide were all soon laid to
money problems, and psychologists be-
gan to see that the subtle violence of
inflation was leading to racial strife,
problem drinking, reduced fertility rates,
impotence, child abuse and even rape
The Wall Street. Journal reported last
year that troubles concerning money had
become the fourth most prevalent rea-
son that Americans seck psychological
counseling. It was ninth or tenth only a
few years ago.

Ironically, the group most devastated
by the economic upheaval is the very
group that believed money to be thc
least of its problems—the “baby-boom
generation,” generally defined as those
born between 1947 and 1960, with 1957
being the peak year. If you remember
World War Two, you're too old to be a
member; if you and your peers arc оп
this end of that bulge—too young to
have protested Victnam—you're in the
path of the economic steam roller that
demographers say won't fully lay into
the baby-boom kids until the end of
the ties.

In all probabili the baby-boomers
will be the first g ation in American
history to be less well off than thc par-
ents whose wealth they so recently found
unimportant. Since the early 19th Cen:
tury, one of the things that have made
America dilferent—special, many would

(continued overleaf)

THE
J. R. EWING
AWARD FOR

GREAT
MOMENTS IN
RUTHLESSNESS

Old School
“1 needed the good will of
the legislature of four states. I
formed the legislative bodies
with my own money. I found
that it was cheaper that way."
—JAY GOULD

“I owe the public nothing.”
— J. P. MORGAN

“I have ways of making money
you know nothing o£."
—]JOHN D. ROCKEFELLER

New School
"It's not enough that I should
succeed—others should fail.”
— DAVID MERRICK

"Tt is ridiculous to call this an
industry. This is not. This is rat
eat rat, dog eat dog. I'll kill 'em,
and I'm going to kill 'em before
they kill me. Youre talking
about the American way of sur-
vival of the fittest.” —Ray ККОС

"Can you buy friendship? You
not only can, you must. It’s the
only way to obtain friends. .
Everything worth while has a
price.” —ROBERT J. RINGER

"An ounce of hypocrisy is
worth a pound of ambition.
—MICHAEL KORDA

In the Words of the Master
"Horsecrap, little. brother.
There's always something more
to be done. Another palm to
be greased. Another back to
be scratched. Another weak
sister to be shored up."
—]. R. EWING

ARE YOU RUTHLESS
ENOUGH TO GET RICH TODAY?

quiz By ASA BABER

We're talking mega-
bucks, understand, and
that kind of success in
today's world is 10 the old
version of making it as,
say, racquetball is to golf.
There's по room for duffers im this
game—it's hard, fast and full of angles.
And they don't call three on а court.
cutthroat for nothing.

The following little test will give
you an idea of whether or not you've
got the instincts to play in this league.
The answers are on page 222, but we're
not going to tell you that if you score
X number right you're a contender or
апу of that stuff. This is hardball. Either
you've got what it takes or you don't.

1. Your favorite TV show is:
A. 60 Minutes
B. Masterpiece Theatre
C. Wall Street Weck
D. The cable-TV commodities
tape
2. The person whose values you
most wish to emulate is:
A. Mother Teresa
B. Niccolò Machiavelli
C. Jerry Falwell
D. J. К. Ewing
3. The salary you plan to make by
the age of 40 is:
A. Your age times $1000
B. Your grandfather's age times
51000
C. Enough to live on
D. Approximately twice
the size of the current
U. S. defense budget
4. The toughest dude
you've ever secn is:
A. Kojak

B. General
George
Patton

C. Dick Butkus
D. David Stockman

5. A Soviet invasion of Poland

worries you because:

A. It would put a damper on

Polish jokes

B. You have a commitment to
all freedom-loving people

C. The possibility of escalating
combat scares you in this
nuclear age

D. It might hurt your long posi-
tion in wheat

Successful investors in the stock.

market operate on:

А. Blind luck

B. Kondratyev's theory of cycli-
cal markets

C. Contrary opinion

D. Insider take-over tips

7. An inventory of your

room would show: ,

А. Early American furniture

B. Pre-Columbian artifacts

C. Books on the Spanish Civil
War

D. A mattress, five grams of pure
coke and a phone with six
lines

8. When there is an attempted

Presidenti

А. Pray

B. Watch the events on TV

C. Write a letter in favor of
handgun control

D. Call your broker and cover
all positions

assassination, you:

9. You sce people on public aid as:

A. Porch monkeys
(continued on page

)

PLAYBOY

say—is our expectation that fathers
would be economically surpassed by
their sons. “We've always had a faith,”
Jimmy Carter said 1979, “that the
days of our childr would be better
than our own. Our people are losing
that faith

Ten years ago, only 17 percent of the
members of this biggest of any American
gencration said that they would even
accept the same kind of life their parents
had. It wasn't that they meant that they
wanted lives with more money. They
just wanted things to be better. The kids,
as John Stuart Mill had instructed, w
going to be "improving the art of living
because their minds had "ceased to be
engrossed by the art of getting on." But
at the end of a time when so many of
them have watched other old and noble
dreams fall away, when many of them
have begun to look back toward subui
ban homes with lawns, the chances are
no longer there.

Thirty million pcople entered the job
market over the past 15 years, carting
their expectations; but by the
Seventies, the gap between the earnings
of young people just out of college and
those of their college-educated fathers
had increased to 39 percent from 28 per-
cent in the mid-Sixtics.

“The baby-boom generation is com-
pletely blocked from above. The people
who entered the job market ahead of
them are going to be there for a long
time,” says economic demographer Ste-
phen Dresch. Held down from above,
they are also being maniacally chased
from below by what appears to be a new
breed of rather streamlined young ре
son, one who has been gearing for this
battle from the time he was in grade
school. He never dawdled along the way
by marching in the streets or bumming
through Europe.

Not surprisingly, the situation is tak-
ing its toll on the solidity of a gener
tion that once sought to even look alike
so as to trumpet the fact that they
thought and acted alike, But after danc-
ing together through the mine fields of
politics, war, educational upheaval, gen-
erational conflict and numerous other
dissipated assumptions of its age, the
baby-boom generation finds itself at the
edge of an cconoi diff. 1t is fightor-
flight time, and the irony is that it’s that
old green devil money that is finally
tomizing this most coherent of Amer
can generations. Some of them are danc-
ing back into the mine fields and digging
in; some of them are buying their way
out in different ways; some of them have
decided to fight, some jump, and some of
them just stand there in awe of the fact

mid-

that they have spent 20 years paying
dues to a defunct fraternity.

The most farranging studies of the
troubled baby-boom kids have been done
by Danicl Yankclovich of 5 ord,
Connecticut's Yankelovich, Skelly and
White organization. Yankelovich has
spent a good many of the past few years
uying to define what he calls "new
values" workers—those collcge-educated,
once-politicized children who, he says,
still carry with them, sometimes like an
albatross, their old ideal of getting more
out of life than money.

Both pollster Louis Harris and the
late Dr. Angus Campbell of the Univer-
sity of Michigan's Institute for Social
Research basically agree with Yankelo-
vich that the upscale youth who spear-
headed the social-values revolution of

the Sixties have, in Dr. Campbell's
words, “broadened their horizons, cul-
tivated their humanistic needs and

raised their appetite for challenge and
new experience.”

As a PLAYBOY promotional campaign
announced a few years ago, “Sure they
burned draft cards and tore up the cam-
pus and smoked funny cigarettes and
never cut their hair and made us de-
spair. . .. They haven't lost one iota of
that intensity. They've just totally redi-
rected it. They've traded the SDS for
IBM and С.М...”

But the intensity, we're finding, is
usually tempered with some measure of
ambivalence. “I see highly successful

young businessmen who are always talk-

ing about someday doing something
worth while or putting down their
jobs." says Dr. William Brownlee, a well-
known New York psychiatrist. “They’
almost embarrassed by the work they do."

33-year-old stockbroker, who spe-
izes in selling financial securities to
young ex-Sixties types, is а typical ex-
mple. “The people I know in my busi-
ness sit around and talk about how they
can't believe they're here,” says Nick
Cooper (not his real name). “Everyone
I'm friendly with here is an cx-Sixties
type, and if they aren't, they aren't my
friends,”

Or take a young real-estate broker in
Chicago. “The biggest decision I ever
had to make,” he says, “was whether or

not to go to my tenth high school re-
union a few years ago. I knew I'd even-

tually end up apologizing for my lile,
and J was afraid to see what had become
of everybody. I decided not to go. I just
couldn't look. I didn't want to talk
about the old days and 1 didn't want to
talk about money. 1 sce enough of my
old friends becoming ruthless mothers
as it is.

Ruthless mothers? “I'll tell you why

these kids are better off than our gen-

eration,” one of those inimitable New

Yorker business executives says to an

other. “They're not value-ridden,
E

Here, then, is that most awesome of
gaps within the gap. Even Yankelovich,
who sings the songs of the new-valucs
worker who will soon run America and
its institutions, noted recently that con-
siderable numbers of baby-boom people
afflicted by an attitude he calls the "psy-
chology of entitlement" say to them-
selves, “If I'm not doing something
meaningful or fulfilling, the least I can
get is money.”

As a Chicago psychologist told a
recently, "Its just amazing to
sec time and again how money and
profit can temporarily fill the holes."

Somehow that old contempt for the
established system, mixed well with a
bit of Sixtiesstyle, turn-back-on-yourself
guilt—plus the impending feeling of be-
ing economically crushed in a narrowing
spire—has caused a significant segment
of the baby-boom kids not only to adopt
the very money values they used to re-
ject but to leap to a level of boundless,
cloying, often criminal greed such as
this society hasn't known since the days
of Jay Gould.

In the face of money, values seem to
slide off the new ruthless mothers far
more easily than religion slid away from
robber barons who cquivocated about
making money in the past. If you fecl
guilt, hate guilt. Blow out all that
smarmy Sixties sl Use all those Sev-
enties "how-to-bc-open, step-on-people's-
faces-and-not-feel-guilty” rationalizations
you can borrow from books and go.
Hardly anyone between 25 and 40
doesn't know at least two people who
have turned on their heels and gone
after it like a bat out of hell. A recent
poll indicates that 84 percent of Amer-
icans feel a "certain social resentment,
because they've come to believe that
those who work hard and live by the
rules end up with the short end of the
stick—and those who don't play by
the rules seem to make out all right.
“Nothing I thought turned out to be
true,” they say, “so give me money.”

You can observe the most benign of
the ruthless mothers at the California-
style pyramid parties so popular last
year, those trendy games in which you
give $1000 or so to someone in order to
get back 51000—ог even $72,000—in а
matter of days. The mothers arc the ones
organizing the party at someone else's
house.

But at their most dangerous, you
don't see the mothers at all. Just as the
poorest members of the society decided

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PLAYBOY

long ago that the only way out of their
situation was through playing the game
outside of laws or acceptable conduct,
the baby-boom money chasers are often
outlaws. They run what economists call
“the underground economy,” where cash
is collected beyond the reaches of taxes
and rules at a rate unprecedented in a
market-based economy. Ruthless mothers
like commission money, cash payments,
offshore bank accounts. Those sons and
daughters of middle-class professionals
are going alter money in ways their
once-decadent-seeming families would
still consider rather seedy.

“Its really extraordinary to watch the
coming apart of that baby-boom gen-
eration,” economist Robert Heilbroner
says. “The descent to the lowest kind of
money-making. They don’t like to ad-
minister anything; they don't invent
anything. They just go for

And where they go for it has changed,
too. The traditional crossroad outposts
at the corner of fear and greed—places
like the stock market and the race
track—pale before the new something-
for-nothing fast tracks such as real-estate
speculation and — commoditics-futures

n a Chicago café with a 29-year-
old speculator I'll l Peter Collins as
he stared into his сойсе. Collins had
recently made himself very rich. “I real-
ized a few years alter 1 got out of school
that things were not as casy as I
thought,” he said, "and I found that
taking care of myself was a major prop-
osition. Now I see that the economy
could go down the tubes any minute,
and the money I have can protect me so
І can buy things like canned goods and
an island."

Istarted to laugh.

“It's not funny," he snapped.
very serious." Collins lives in a small
apartment adorned only by a mattress.
Не doesn't own a car and docsn't even
have a reliable television. "It's not physi-
cal possessions that mean security," he
explained, “it's money. Materialism has
hurt this country a lot if you look at
the economics. . . .”

Ruthless mothers. The
Horatio Algers than little Sp
of the changin’ times. The
even "If 1 can be rich, 1 can be happy.”
It’s really “If I can't be happy, I might
as well be rich.

For them, being rich has become in-
extricably bound up in being safe. But
the question of how much топсу makes
you safe in today’s world involves the
more open-ended question of what is
enough.

"What the hell's enough nowadays?’

dea is not

100 The 32yearold multimillionaire com-

modities trader threw the question back
at me as we gazed out at the swimming
pool next to the ten-bedroom house he
inhabits all by himself. “You tell me
your opinion, since you're so interested.”

He pulled on his beard for a while,
before an answer came to me.

“Given the most comfortable lifestyle
you can imagine,” I said, "you have
enough money when your capital kicks
out all the money you need to supportit.

“That's a pretty good answer," the
young mother said, “but with inflation
and the depression coming, you just
never know anymore. You can't tell any-
thing at all these days.

Everyone from the most antimaterial-
istic Sixties kid who has opted for "vol-
untary simplicity’ the face of the
coming decade to the most selLobsessed,
slimy and ruthless mother radiating
greed in some personal and private
bunker seems to employ the awful cliché
ol survi m a survivor," the ones
outside hospitals or therapy programs
tell one another. Survivors, alter all,
never have to say they e
being poor during the Depression. They
rcad books about how to survive. Even
the books are
being eclipsed in sales by the "how-to-
survive-the-awLul-threats-to-the-meager-
things-you-have” books. Self-proclaimed
mothers/survivors aren't necessarily com-
mitted Republicans, but they sure voted
for Ronald Reagan and his tax cuts.

Of course, it’s easier to understand
the ruthless mothers’ instinct for survival
when you take a look at the group nip-
ping at their heels.

The people younger than those on the
Vietnam war side of the gap are only
now beginning to demonstrate their
wondrous gyrations of mind and style
that have geared them more appropri-
ately to win some of the shrinking pieces
n does work. They've
d a lot of moralistic,
affluence-based misconceptions, because
they never appear to have had them to
arry around in the first place.

1 recently commented to a young
Atlanta sales representative that I was
amazed by one recent study reporting
that most American consumers still be-
lieve inflation will soon fall to nine
percent.

"What's wrong with that" the young
man said, vibrating on the edge of his

sorry—it's

cha tha? I'm
bull

“Well, I——"

“I mean, | own two houses in Atlanta

and Em only 24."
"How did you get them?" I asked.
“Well, a friend of mine's father is on
the board of directors of all these corpo-
rations that he tells us to buy stocks in

before they are taken over. You just
can’t lose that way,” he

I suggested that it was illegal to bu
and sell common stocks using inside
information.

"Of course it's illegal," he said. “Irs
illegal as hell; but so what? I love mon-
су, you know. Fm really bullish on
America."

Although there are certainly wide
chasms between the manners in which
young people inside the middle-class
baby-hoom group are dealing with mon-
ey, those young brothers and sisters have
apparently come to see the American
ratrace as a great popular movement—
like Christianity in. Jerusalem or social-
ism in China—that was designed for
their benefit.

One Sunday, the traditional day of
rest for several cultures, I found Bob
Smith at his office at a prestigious invest-
mentbanking house in New York City
that is widely considered to be the fast-
est track going. “You don’t really hit the
big time here until you're a partner
after putting in about seven or eight
years" Smith said. "But once you be-

come a partner, you're sure to be a
millionaire.
What's happened to people's idea

out money?” he went on. “Well, some
people grew up with these massive e
pectations that were rooted in our faith
in great American institutions; but then

we saw those institutions in the late
Sixties and Seventies just hung by the
balls—nobody believed in them, so

there was a breakdown in respect. But 1
never frankly understood why anyone
could dislike money. I really never un-
derstood that.

“Now, my brother Jim is an example
of someone who was permanently di
abled psychologically by the Sixties. He
has no ambition at all. He has a one-
man computer consulting firm in Hous-
ton and he makes $50,000 in a few
months and then packs it in. He thinks
he has enough to live on for the rest of
the year. He says to me, ‘What am I
gonna do with all the moncy? "

And that makes him psychologically
disabled to you?”

Absolutely. He was one of those
pcople directly confronted by the specter
of dying over in Victnam, of opting out
and going to Canada and all that. It
made that group re-evaluate their whole
lives, but now they can't ever get back
on track. They can't get their shit to-
gether. My brother could really go for
it if he developed his firm. The ulti.
mate result of his cilort could be real
freedon

1 found Bob's brother Jim, who is 33,

(continued on page 210)

GIRLS OF THE

SOUTHEASTERN CONFERENCE

PARTI

tinlinnabulating belles still ring out in dixieland

JE SOUTHERN ACCENT is dy-
T ing out. Plantations are

being parceled out as rcal-
estate developments. Atlanta
starting to look more and more
like Cleveland. And the vodka
martini has replaced the mint
julep as the drink of choice even
where the grass is blue.

When news of all this homoge-
nization reached PLAYBOY'S offices
in Chicago, a call went out on
the hotline to Contributing Pho-
tographers David Chan and Arny
Freytag: Go South, gentlemen,
and find out if the special beauty
of the Southern young woman is
going the way of the wind.

(ogist. When you buy a drink from MSU's part.

PHOTOGRAPHY BY DAVID CHAN AND ARNY FREYTAG

Well, call off the national day
of mourning. Chan and Freytag
found enough beauty among
coeds at the ten Southeastern
Conference universities to de-
mand two months’ worth of at-
tention in our pages, and we are
happy to oblige.

It is a PLAYBOY tradition to
offer a pictorial on the girls of
a major collegiate conference as
part of our rite of autumn.
"There could be no better choice
this ycar than a loving look at
the girls of the sunny Southeast.
The young ladies of the Old
South arc now, as ever, engaged.
in upholding their well-deserved

Our antebellum belles at Waverley Plantation are Mississippi State's Towanna Sharp (left) and Kimberly Lasseter.
Tawanna’s on the lackovt for fast Italian men in fast Italian cars, while Kim looks toward becoming an industrial psychol-
е bartendress Casey Sweet (below left), mention clothes or water

sports to get her attention. MSU beauty Gigi Aldridge (below right) is “into everything but hypocrites and final exams.”

Joan Villarosa
{obove) loves yoga
ond being а U of
Florida girl, among
other strenuous exer-
cises, Joan hopes she
con one doy moke a
living by selling
ornamental flora.
Villeroso's Villa of
Roses, perhaps?
Another sportin”
Florida lady is senior
Lyndi Young (right),
who goes in for
swimming, tennis and
soccer. (Ain't that a
kick in the head?) She
plans to be o rich
MD. in the sun-kissed
South. Lucky Lyndi.

Florida footballers ploy
fervently, knowing Debra
Gregory (right) is behind
them. Debra wants o TV-
newscosting career. And
thot’s the моу it is.

Gainesville goins by the presence of Sherelyn Jockson (below), o chem major with all
the right ingredients. She needs a new goal, though. Her old one моз to be in PLAYBOY.

Juliana van Mierop (below), a galden Gatar if ever there were one, has clear-cut ideas about gentlemen who might like to try a golden
tauch. “I like men who don't get jeolaus,“ she says. “1 like the anes who care as much about my feelings as they da about their own.”
Originally from Upstate New York, Juliana has adopted the Floridian passions for beach valleyball, swimming and eying hurricanes.

Varderbilt's JoAnne Riggs (above), an asset to any environment, may yet take a hike into environmental engineering. Her favorite things

оге animals and athletes of all stripes, and she’s locking for a guy who'll make her laugh, so brush up your ald George Carlin routines.
Vandy senior Marlene Hall (below) is diving into а marine-ethology career. (Doesn't anybody want to be а nurse anymore?) Marlene's а
or Hugo fan, but Hawthorne makes her miserable. "| love eating tons of crab legs,” she says. It sure doesn't show.

Two more of Vandy's dondies: Ada-
mont Eve Voupel (right, looking OK on

€ the MG) sets her sights on men who ore at
==) leost six feet tall, She's 5'8” herself, Eve,
Ik. J) who works on her ton by doy ond parties
by right, would seem to hove little time for

classes. She's looking forword to being a
womon of independent means. А future wine importer who's

now a low student, Donia Crouch (below) stays loose by
belly-dancing. She's stoyin' olive by avoiding “lody-killers.””

reputation as the loveliest in the country, and we think
you'll find their upholding most engaging.

Because nine pages simply are not enough to uncover
the Southeastern girls, we're devoting this month to the
charms of Vanderbilt, Florida, Alabama, Mississippi and
Mississippi State. Tune in again next month [or a colle
giate compendium of the spectacular sights of Auburn,
corgia, Tennessee, Kentucky and Louisiana State.

In 1932, 13 Southern schools formed an alliance, thus
preventing Paul "Bear" Bryant, Herschel Walker and
benchfuls of other future football heroes from laboring in
isolated pockets of anonymity. They called it the South-
castern Conference, and right away it began to provide
the nation with pigskin powers and lovely ladies. The

No ol’ miss this,
Mississippi junior Gino
Todd (right) feels no

feor of flying. In

Nw) foci she's got o

yeor of oviotion school behind

her and wants to win her pilot's li-
cense before you can soy “Contact.”
Gina hos a soft spot for whiskers on
kittens. She once owned a boby ponther,
but one day she colled and it didn't
onther. Camera buff Jomie Kapeghian
(below) is o Michigonder who tells her
confederotes, "I'm proud to be a Yon-
kee." When she leoves Ole Miss, Jamie
will click from the other side of the lens.

University of the South, Geo
"Tech and Tulane have since dropped
out, to the relief of triskaidekaphobes
everywhere.

The conference, something of an
Eastern loop of the Sun Belt, com-
prises a rough triangle. The vertex
lies in the gentle grassland of Le
ington, Kentucky, where champion
horses are bred and dreams of roses
center on the first Saturday in May.
‘The southwestern point of the tri-
angle sits in the steamy lowlands of

where the

by visiting teams as Death Valley be-
cause their hopes of victory inva

bly wind up as bleached bones left
behind on the field. And the south-
eastern tip of the Southeastern Con-
ference gleams in the sunshine of
the University of Florida campus at

The University of Alo-
bamo's men try out
their Mason-Dixon
lines on Crimson Tide
coeds Becky Lewis
(right) and Jena Cloy-
ton (below). Becky hates

fo leave the Tuscoloosa ambience of
festivity ond football but intends to join a
big-city ad ogency. Jena is a nursing student
(there's о girl who still wants to be a
nurse—which way to the hospital?) who
odores most clossical music ond oll that’s
jazz, and says of men: "The older they
are, the better | like them." Thot's good
news for George Burns ond Dorian Gray.

Gainesville. Between these points lie
seven other campuses, some of them
sleeping in the hills of Tennessee, some
two-stepping to the country music that
seems to come right out of the ground
in Alabama. But they do have a com-
mon denominator, something other
places only aspire to: There are a great
many greatlooking girls оп their cam-
puses, as the men of the S.E.C. will
breathlessly confirm.

"This ycar, in the interest of science
and in its continuing effort to keep
its readers abreast of the sexual habits
and preferences of the modern young
woman, PLAYBOY issued a confidential
questionnaire to the coeds at the South-
eastern schools. The responses, many of
which are gratilyingly descriptive, re-
inforce the ge of the Southern belle
as a girl who blazes her own trail
through sexual terrain. The S.E.C. girls"

nocturnal activities lean toward the liber-
ated, and many of the girls make such
activities diurnal as well, particularly at
Georgia. Bulldog girls just might be the
most liberated of all.
‘The survey elicited scores of human
sexual responses, by masters and amateurs
alike, and some of the findings are surprising. For example, when
asked to name the most important emotional element in their
lives, the ladies select family life. Friends and a primary relation-
ship are a full step behind, and nothing (concluded on page 220)

Current Miss Alaboma JoAnne Henderson (cbove left), already estoblished as the pre-eminent ‘Bama beauty, sees a cammunicatians
career ahead. JoAnne communicates a love for “parties, Chinese food and bubble baths.” Alabama senior Carol Darsey (abave righ!)
bothes in the sun and vows she'll never be chained ta a macho man. Mary Landreth (below) speaks fluent German—Achtung!—and wants to
use it in the foreign transportation service when she gets her ‘Bama bachelor’s. Karen Paige (opposite page) could make anybody's Jecuzzi
runneth over. The men at Alabama welcomed her four years aga with open arms, since it was abundantly dear that Karen was fit to be Tide.

FIRST LOOK

atanew novel

who would have thought sweet cindy
could be such a dirty little thing?

BBIT IS RICH

“I HIT THE BALL OK,” Rabbit Angstrom says, "but damned if I
could score.” It is the great weekend of gas drought, June 1979.
He is sitting in green bathing trunks at a white outdoor table at
the Flying Eagle Tee and Racquet Club with the partners of
his round and their wives and, in the case of Buddy Ingle-
finger, girlfriend. Buddy had once had a wife, too, but she left
him for a telephone lineman down near West Chester. You
could see how that might happen, because Buddy's girlfriends
are sure a sorry lot.

“When did you ever score?” Ronnie Harrison asks him so
loudly heads in the swimming pool turn around. Rabbit has
known Ronnie for 30 years and never liked him, one of those
locker-room show-olfs always soaping himself for everybody to
see and giving the J.V.s redbellies and out on the basketball
court barging around all sweat and elbows trying to make up
in muscle what he lacked in style. Yet when Harry and Janice
joined Flying Eagle, there old Ronnie was, with a respectable
job at Schuylkill Mutual and this quiet, proper wife who taught
third grade and must be great in bed, because that’s all Ronnie
ever used to talk about, he was like crazy on the subject, in the
locker room. He's gone completely bald on top, which doesn’t
change him that much, since his hair was always very fine and
kind of pink anyway. Rabbit likes playing golf with him be-
cause he loves beating him, which isn't too hard: He has
one of those herky-jerky punch swings short guys gravitate
toward and when he gets excited he tends to roundhouse a big
banana right into the woods.

“I heard Harry was a big scorer,” Ronnie's wife, Thelma,
says softly. She has a narrow forgettable face and still wears
that quaint old-fashioned kind of one-piece bathing suit with a
little pleated skirt. Often she has а towel across her shoulders
or around her ankles, as if to protect her skin from the sun;
except for her sunburned nose, she is the same sallow color all
over. Her wavy mousy hair is going gray strand by strand.
Rabbit can never look at her without wondering what wild
things this biddy must do to keep Harrison happy. He senses
intelligence in her, but intelligence in women has never much
interested him.

“I set the B-league county scoring record in 1951," he says, to
defend himself, and to defend (continued on page 114)

BY JOHN UPDIKE

ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WACK

111

CANVAS ON CANVAS

good neus for nomadic types:
the current furniture market is collapsing

CHANCES ARE, it won't be only the gypsy in your soul that will turn
you on to collapsible canvas furniture. It will also be the
shekels in your pocket and the discovery that moving day no
longer has to be something to dread. Gls and campers, of course,
have been into fold-up furnishings for years, but it wasn't until
recently that manufacturers began taking the subject seriously.
And with back-to-school days almost upon you, toting a canvas

desk or clothes closet that has been rolled up like a tent and
tossed into the back seat of your VW sure beats hiring a mover.
Pack up your furniture in your old kit bag and smile, smile, smile.

Above: This Flying Closet of canvas or nylon and wood measures
39" x 22" and easily adjusts to most ceiling heights, by Up & Company,
$69. Right: The old rocking chair never looked so good as this light-
weight Orientol-inspired Ny rocker of canvas, chrome and wood that folds
up in a twinkling when not in use, from Granfalloon, Chicago, $99.95.

PHOTOGRAPHY BY DON AZUMA
PAINTINGS BY JOHN FLORES

Top left: A collapsible
canves-and-wood Hail
Ragnar chair, $243, and
matching Erik ottaman,
$73, both from Gald
Medal Inc., Racine, Wis-
consin. Above: The fold-
away work station of
nylon packcloth ond
hardwood that’s sturdy
enough to hold a type-
writer, $94, and 66”-high
folding screen, $106,
both also by Gold Med-
al Inc. Oak-and-canvas
chair, by Cutter Furni-
ture, $39. Left: Steel-and-
canvas soft shelves, by
Up & Company, $265.

PLAYBOY

RABBIT IS RICH (continued from page 111)

“She has an exciting sexually neutral look, though
her boobs slosh and shiver in her bra.”

himself further adds, “Big deal.’
"It's been broken long since.” Ronnie
feels he has to explain. “By blacks.”
"Every record has" Webb Murkett
interposes, being tactful. "I don't know,
it scems like the miles these kids run now
have shrunk. In swimming they can't
keep the record books up to date." Webb
is the oldest man of their regular four-
some, 50 and then some—a lean, thought-
ful gentleman in
contracting and supply with a calming
gravel voice, his long face broken into
longitudinal strips by creases and his
hazel eyes almost lost under an amber
tangle of eyebrows. He is the steadiest
golfer, too. The one unsteady thing
about him, he is on his third wife; this
is Cindy, a plump brown-backed honey
still smelling of high school, though they
have two little ones, a boy and a girl,
ages five and three. Her hair is cut short
and lies wet in one direction, as if sur-
facing from a dive, and when she smiles
her teeth look unnaturally even and
white in her tan face, with pink spots of
pecling on the roundest part of her
cheeks; she has an exciting sexually neu-
wal look, though her boobs slosh and
shiver in the triangular little hammocks
of her bra. The suit is one of those mini-
mal black ones with open sides and only
a string or two between the nape of her
neck and where her ass begins to divide,
a deft more or less ible, depending
on the sag of her black diaper. Harry
admires Webb. Webb always swings
within himself and gets good roll.
“Better nutrition, don’t you think
that’s i" Buddy Inglefinger's girl pipes
up, in a litlegirl reedy voice that
doesn’t go with her pushed-in face. She is
some kind of physical therapist, though
her own shape isn't too great. Flabby.
The girls Buddy brings around are
a good lesson to Harry in the limits
of being single—restaurant hostesses
whose smirks won't come off their lips,
looking former flower children
with grizzled ponytails and a chestful of
Indian jewelry, overweight assistant
heads of personnel in one of those grim
brick office buildings a block back from
Weiser where they spend all day putting
computer printouts in the wastebasket,
scrawny co-owners of progressive bou-
tiques struggling for life in some subur-
ban mall. Women pickled in limbo,
their legs chalky and their faces slightly
twisted, as if they had been knocked

witch

114 into their 30 by a sideways blow. They

remind Harry somehow of pirates,
jaunty and maimed, though without the
суе patches. What the hell was this one's
ime? She had been introduced around
not a half hour ago, but when everybody
was still drunk on golf.

Buddy brought her, so he can't let her
two cents hang up there while the si-
lence gets painful. He fills in, "My guess
is it's mostly in the training. Coaches at
even the secondary level have all these
techniques that in the old days only the
outstanding athlete would cover, you
know, pragmatically. Nowadays the out-
standing isn't that outstanding, there's a
dozen right behind him. Or her." He
glances at each of the women in a kind
of dutiful tag. Feminism won't catch
him off guard, he's traded jabs in too
many singles bars. "And in countries
like East Germany or China, they're
pumping these athletes full of steroids,
like beef cattle, they're hardly huma:
Buddy wears steelrimmed glasses of a
style that only lathe operators used to
employ, to keep shavings out of their
eyes. Buddy does something with elec-
tronics and has a mind like that, too
precise. He gocs on, to bring it home,
Even golf. Palmer and now Nicklaus
have been trampled out of sight by these
kids nobody has heard of, the colleges
down South clone 'em. you can't keep
their names straight from one tourna-
ment to the next."

Harry always tries to take an over-
view. "The records fall because they're
there," he says. "Aaron shouldn't have
been playing, they kept him in there just
so he could break Ruth's record. I can
remember when a five-minute mile in
high school was a miracle. Now girls are
doing it."

"It is amazing," Buddy's girl puts in,
this being her conversation, "what thc
human body can do. Any опе of us
women here could go out now and pick
up a car by the front bumper, if we
were motivated. If, say, there was a child
of ours under the tires. You read about
incidents like that all the time, and аг
the hospital where I trained, the doctors
could lay the statistics of it right out on
paper. We don't use half the muscle
power we have.

Webb Murkett kids, "Hear that, Cinz
Gas stations all closed down, you can
carry the Audi home. Seriously, though.
Гуе always marveled at these men who
know a dozen languages. If the brain is
а computer, think of all the gray cells

this entails. There seems to be lots more
room in there, though."

His young wife silently lifts her hands
to twist some water from her hair, which
is almost too short to grab. This action
gently lifts her tits in their sopping
black small slings and reveals thc
shape of cach erect nipple. A white towel
is laid across her lap as if to relieve
Harry from having to think about her
crotch. What turns him off about Bud-
dy's girl, he realizes, is that she has
pimples not only on her chin and fore-
head but on her thighs, high on the in-
side, like something venereal. Georgene?
Geraldine? She is going on in that reedy
too-cager voice, the way these yogas
can lift themselves off the ground or go
back in time for thousands of years.
Edgar Cayce has example after example.
Its nothing supernatural, 1 can't believe
in God, theres too much suffering,
they're just using human powers we all
have and never develop. You should all
read The Tibetan Book of the Dead.

"Really?" Thelma Harrison says dryly.

Now silence does invade their group.
A greenish reflective wobble from the
pool washes ghostly and uneasy across
their faces and a child gasping as he
ms can be heard. Then Webb kindly
says, “Closer to home now, we've had a
spooky experience lately. I bought one
of these Polaroid SX-70 Land Cameras
as kind of a novelty, to give the kids a
charge, and all of us can't stop being
fascinated, it is supernatural, to watch
that image develop right under your

eyes.”

he kind,” Gindy says, “that spits it
Out at you like this.” She makes a cross-
eyed face and thrusts out her tongue
with a thrrupping noise. All the men
laugh and laugh.
‘Consumer Reports had something on
Harry says.

“It's magical,” Cindy says. “Webb gets
really turned on.” When she grins, her
teeth look stubby, the healthy gums
come so babyishly low.

“Why is my glass empty?” Janice asks.

“Losers buy,” Harry virtually shouts.
Such loudness years ago would have
been special to male groups, but now
both sexes have watched enough beer
commercials on teleyision to know that
this is how to act, jolly and loud, on
weekends, in the bar, beside the barbe-
cue grill, on beaches and sun decks and
mountainside, “Winners bought the first
round,” he calls needlessly, as if among
strangers or men without memories,
while several arms flail for the waitress.

Harry's team lost the Nassau, but he
feels it was his partner's fault. Buddy is
such a flub artist, even when he hits two
good shots he skulls the chip and takes
three putts to get down. Whereas Harry,
as he has said, hit the ball well, if not
(continued on page 136)

“But, Olivia, I thought you knew my family has been
into recreational sex [or over four hundred years!"

115

memoir By CAMERON CROWE. | !

In the fall of 1979, the author returned” H
to а high school he had attended briefe
ly some years back. He registered аз @
student under an assumed name with tlie
cooperation of the principal, who was
the only one to know the secret. Because
of his youthful appearance, he was never
under suspicion and was able to mingle
freely in the classrooms, the schoolyard,
the students’ homes and the fast-food
parlors that were the focus of the lives
of the kids in a typical town in Califor-
nia. The author has changed the name —
of the school, its location and the names
of the students and teachers with whom
he lived. The events amd the dialog,
however, are real.

THE RIDGEMONT Senior High School offi-
cial colors were red and yellow. But
those who had ever attended the school
did not think of red and yellow when it
came to Ridgemont. They thought of
green.

The whole place was green. Green
walls in the gy m. Green «аѕѕ-
rooms. Green bungalows. Even the black-
boards were green. New graffiti? Roll on
some green. Crack in the wall? Slap on
some green. It was a Ridgemont High
joke that if all other disciplinary meas-
led, they called in the
ated you green, too.

Standing by the A-B-C-D-E registration
counter in the gymnasium, waiting to
pick up his red add card on the first day,
ton had the unmistakable

aura of Important Man on Campus. He
stood surrounded by four buddies, all of
them dressed in the same vent:
caps with logos such as CAT and NATIONAL
116 CHAIN SAW on the front, They all nodded.

ILLUSTRATION BY CHARLES SHIELOS.

being the
true story ofa
Year in feli school
reported by
awriterin student
disguise. rah!

vigorously at everything Brad said. They
all worked together at the same Carl's Jr.
hamburger franchise on Ridgemont
Drive, where Brad was head fryer. They
had all attended Paul Revere Junior
High School together.

Every June, Paul Revere Junior High
held a graduation procession for the out-
going ninth graders. Several hundred of
the 14-year-olds crossed Ridgemont Drive
en masse, a symbolic passage toward
higher education. Ridgemont High
School upperclassmen usually launched
water balloons at them from strategic
locations. For them, the Paul Revere
procession was like a dirty river about to
empty into their back yard.

"The kids from Paul Revere would find
that things change quickly in high
school. Suddenly, it was considered in
bad taste to continue adolescent behav-
ior into tenth grade. High school brought
on new responsibilities and a whole new
set of priorities. It was different from
what it had been ten or even five years
earlier. One of the most common phrases
heard in high school was now: “I went
through my drug phase in junior high."

Once in high school, a kid could drive,
and a car necessitated a certain cash flow.
‘An allowance from your parents was not
only demeaning, it wasn't enough. It
didn't take long for a kid to see the big
ure—you were nothing unless you
had a job. But well-paying tcen jobs
were scarce, especially since the abolish-
ment of training wages.

Ah, but there was always one bastion
of tcen employment left. That onc busi-
ness where a guy like Brad was king.

“Im in fast food, Tu would say
with professiona

Brad's job as chief ju at Carl's Jr.

no trifling matter, but what was

“Las Vegas is the world's Ш

most convenient city,” says
Susan Smith. “It’s open 24
hours a day. You can shop
for groceries at three A.M.
When I first discovered
Southwest sunshine and dry
heat, I decided this was

for me.” Susan shares a
house with her brother,

the fireman. She earns

her share of the vent as

а model, gambler and
dicsel-truck salesperson.
“Have you heard this one?
Old truckers never die,

they just have anew
Peterbilt.” Ah. Yes.

her hands are lethal weapons.
the vest of her isnt too bad, either

BEETED BEAUT

PHOTOGRAPHY BY KEN MARCUS

T ONE тошт during
the process of inter-
viewing Susan Smith,

we found ourselves walking
with her down a Los Angeles
strect of questionable safety,
past a few less-than-reputa-
ble character. We were at
peace with the world. Miss
September is a karate expert,
just this side of a black belt.
If someone gave us trouble,
he would be in for a big sur-
prise. But we hoped that
wouldn't happen. We didn't
want anything to interrupt
the story Susan was telling
about her first year in the

When PLAYBOY discovered Susan Smith, she was onc
of the featured finds in “The Girls of Las Vegas.”
She listed her activities as car hiker, caddie and dirt
biker. She likes to play the outskirts of town, to
catch dawn at Warm Springs, Nevada.

“If I had a choice, I'd have this story concern the
city-country split in my life. 1 go to Los Angeles

to model. Ive been to the clubs where everyone
watches everyone be bored. When I come back to Las
Vegas, 1 just head for the hills to clean it out.”

Southwest, where she had moved from
Beloit, Wisconsin. It was a colorful yarn
involving squashed caterpillars that look
like jalapeno peppers, grapefruits stolen
from а local orchard, vicious guard
horses, snakebites, scorpions, Mercuro-
chrome on naked bodies . . . you had to
be there. Susan attacked the story the
way she does everything—with enthusi-
asm and skill. The way she performs
karate, plays Foosball or tackles her
Playmate assignment. “The point is chal-
lenge,” she explains. “You've always got
to improve—your mind, your body.” We
applaud the results.

"I'm not going to be a bodyguard.
What a way to ruin your reputation.
‘Hi, I'd like you to meet my body-
guard, But I won't use a shotgun to
get married. I'll use my feet."

“A lot of people get their notion of
karate from the Bruce Lee movies, the
Chuck Norris films. A lot of that stuff

is flashy, trick [ое raphy. When you
go up for your black belt, there are no
more camera angles. You recite the poem
of perseverance. You fight your way out
of a comer. You don't ever walk away
thinking you've passed. It's not simple
cheap thrills, action. It is a discipline."

GATEFOLD PHOTOGRAPHY BY R. SCOTT HOOPER

iaiN31d3S SSIW

PLAYMATE DATA SHEET

BUST: . 86 WAIST: 2-4 HIPS: 36

HEIGHT: = a` wEIGHT: 12 Оѕтск: Сар CCORA

BIRTH DATE: СЕ Scares Belo F R Cx

IDEAL MAN: Ao A geot sensé c ўмо,

есы ee Mosca AE.

TURN-ONS: to L Men KOCA MUSIC, dim V Wd
(e OV са Can a

Tun-orrs; LOUD MUSIC. > Сороро S and

Cold wear —

HOBBIES Trading , sg , POMS , мс _
a

Y
FAVORITE MOVIES: N lad S 5 Me.

Blues and Me. \n= Laws

FAVORITE MUSICIANS: d bec С Alen
Teddy Penderncass and X. Geils

FAVORITE sports: gl V, Sec ke A Ow WX, SEC CE

BIGGEST JOY: ا‎ MUL BOS. LOO

Grade School Graduation. Malovewen 20

PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES

This is the first time a really foxy lady has
thrown herself at me!" exclaimed the exultant
taxi driver. "First you tell me to drive to
Scenic Point; then you demand I park; then
you order me into the back and insist I fill you
with my manhood! I'm more than willing—
but, tell me, аге there any othe: structions?”

“Just one,” his nymphomaniacal passenger
moaned as the cabby undertook his initial
thrusts. "Keep the peter running!"

Стайио on the wall next to а men's room
condom-dispensing machine: "This is abso-
lutely the worst gum I've ever tasted!”

The most popular libation on Fire Island this
pop

summer was reportedly something called a

penis colada.

А wood-fetish bus boy named Gable
Is rapid, is thorough, is able;
But when everything's cleared,
He gives way to the weird
As he lovingly busses each table.

Our Unabashed Dictionary defines fugitive
midget psychic as а small medium at large.

And then there was the housewife who told
the deliveryman she was wearing a sheer black
negligee in memory of her dear departed hus-
band. He'd departed on a business trip early
that morning.

Our Unabashed Dictionary defines virgin as a
member of the Moral Minority.

The prince's proclivity for performing cunni-
lingus is understandable at his age, I suppose,"
sniffed the Lord Chamberlain, "but he really
shouldn't indulge himself in that regard with
scullery maids. goosegirls and tavern wenches."

“Indeed not!" growled the Lord Chancellor
in agreement. “It is utterly beneath the dignity
of the royal family for His Junior Highness
to cat humble pie!”

You've really gotta help me, doc, because sex
has started to affect my sanity!” the young
cocksman told his psychia very time I
get a hard-on, my pecker talks to me!

"What does it say?" inquired the shrink.

“It’s always the same thing. First my whang
says, ‘I believe in pussy and more pussy" And
then it adds, ‘I stand up for what 1 believe in! "

My vite complains, criticizes and nags, nags,
nags all the tim he desperate husband told
the muscleman for hire, "so I'd like you to
bash her in her big, fat mouth! And my neigh-
bor keeps boasting in the locker room at the
club about how well he's hung compared with
me," the man continued, "so I want you to
give it to the bastard in the crotch! You can
check out the houses in advance while I'm at
work today.”

“Ill be easy to force my way in and teach
'em each a lesson," the goon later reported.
"My usual charge for what you want is two
hundred per victim, but I'll handle the double
assignment for two fifty."

“Why the discount?"

“Because from what I saw through a window
this afternoon, mister, I can arrange to do
both jobs with a single punch."

Our Unabashed Dictionary defines fornication
as a term used by people who don't have any-
body to screw with.

Aen

ty news: It was at a lesbian-

Special labor-a
that a sitin turned into a

staffed enterpi
Sit-on.

Having had one too many, a bar drinker
was beginning to display an ugly side. When
an unescorted female took the stool next to his,
noticed his mood and got up to move, the man
snecred, “Honey, you sure look like you could
use the business, but the fact is, 1 don't have
the two bucks.”

The woman paused, fixed the loudmouth
with a stare that dripped ice and then calmly
said, "Wherever did you get the idea, mister,
that I charge by the inch?"

Heard a funny one lately? Send it on a post-
card, please, to Party Jokes Editor, PLAYBOY,
Playboy Bldg., 919 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago,
Ill. 60611. $50 will be paid to the contributor
whose card is selected. Jokes cannot be returned.

“Agreed, then—we'll call it the Renaissance."

129

PLAYBOY

130

RIDGEMONT HIGH

(continued from page 117)

“He had been waging his theatrical battle against the
greatest threat to the youth of this land—truancy.”

Brads location. He
I's Jr. at the very top.

impressive was

worked at the Ci

nds, Brad worked
six days а week. School was not a major
concern. Actually, it was fourth on his
list, after Carl's and girls and being hap-
py- School was mo problem, especially
this year. Brad could have graduated as
a junior last year—he had enough
units—but why do that? It had been а
major task to reach a social peak in jun-
ior high and then work up again through

high school. After two years at Ridge-
mont, Brad was on top. He knew prac-

ally everyone and he was well liked.
For Brad, the best part of school was
being with his friends and secing them
every day.

This, as Brad had been saying since
last year and all summer long at Carl's,
would be his cruise year. He had selected
only four classes—mechanical arts, run-
ning techniques, advanced health and
safety, and public speaking. He wanted
to enjoy the year, take it casy and not
rush things.

“Hi, Bradley!” It was his
a sophomore.

What ai

ет, Stacy,

you so happy about?”
id Stacy.

“Who do you have filth period?” Brad
asked.

“U. S. history. Mr. Hand."

“Hey-yo,” said Brad.

"Hey-yooooo00," said his friends in the
ventilated golf caps.

“You'd better get to cla
structed. “The show begins a
ii bell."

After Stacy left, one of Brad's friends
turned to him. “Your sister is really turn-
ng into a fox.”

“You should see her in the morning,”
said Brad.

Brad in-
fter the

MR. HAND

Stacy Hamilton took her seat
history on the first day of school. The
third and final attendance bell rang.

He came barreling down the aisle,
then made a doublespeed step to the
green metal front door of the U.S. his-
tory bungalow. He kicked the door shut
and locked it with the dead bolt. The
windows rattled in their frames. This
man knew how to take the front of
a classroom.

"Aloha;
Hand."

There was а lasting silence. He wrote

he said. “The name is Mr.

his name on the blackboard. Every
letter was a small explosion of chalk.

"I have but one question for you on
our first morning together," the man
said. “Can you attend my class?

He scanned the classroom full of
curious sophomores, ell of them with
roughly the same look on their faces—
there goes another summer

"Pakalo?" It was Hawaiian for "Do
you understand

Mr. Hand let his students take a good
long look at him. In high school, where
such crucial matters as confidence and
social status can shift daily, there is
onc thing a student can depend on.
Most people in high school look like
their names. Mr. Hand was a perfect
example. He had a porous, oblong face,
just like a thumbprint. His stiff black
hair rose up off his forehead like that of
а latenight-television evangelist. Even
at c the morning, his yellow Van
Heusen shirt was soaked at the armpits.

And he was not Hawaiian.

Тһе strange saga of Mr. Hand had
been passed down to Stacy by Brad.
Arnold Hand, Ridgemont’s U.S. history
instructor, was one of those teacher:
His was a special brand of eccentri
the kind preserved only through Califor-
nia state seniority laws. Mr. Hand had
been at Ridgemont High for years, wag-
ing his highly theatrical battle against
what he saw as the greatest threat to the
youth of this land—truancy.

According to Stacy's brother, you had
to respect a teacher like Mr. Hand. He
was one of the last teacher teachers, as
Brad had put it. Most of the other
members of the Ridgemont faculty sub-
scribed to the latest vogue in grading,
the "contract" method. Under the con-
tract system, a student agreed to a cer-
tain amount of work at the beginning
of the year, and then actually signed a
legal form binding him to the task. "The
contract teacher argued that he or she
was giving the student a lesson in real
life, but, in fact, it was easier on the
teacher. Grades were given according
to the amount of contract work done,
and such things as attendance didn't
matter to the contract teacher.

Mr. Hand wanted no t of the con-
tract system. The only thing worse than
a lazy student, he said, was a lazy
teacher. Even the hard-core tru
had to agree. The last t
to sce was somebody up there looking
for loopholes just like them. For them,
Mr. Hand was one of the few surviving

teachers at Ridgemont who still gave a
shit about things like weekly quizzes
and attendance slips—who е a shit,
period. That's what Brad had told Stacy
Mr. Hand's other favorite activity
was hailing the virtues of the thrce-bell
system. At Ridgemont, the short first
bell meant a student had three minutes
to prepare for the end of the class. The
long second bell dismissed the class.
Then there were exactly seven minutes—
and Mr. Hand claimed that he pe
sonally fought the Education Center for
those seven minutes—before the third
and last attendance bell. If you did not
have the ability to obey the threc-bell
system, Mr. Hand would say, then it
was aloha time for you. You simply
would not funct
"And functio

Hand

the hidden postulate of education.

At the age of 58, Mr. Hand had no
intention of leaving Ridgemont. Why,
in the past ten years, he had just begun
to hit his swide. He had found one man,
that опе man who embodied all the
proper authority and power to exist “in
the jungle.” It didn't bother him that
his role model happened to be none
other than Steve McGarrett, the humor-
less chief detective of Hawaii Five-O.

First-year U history students,
sensing something slightly odd about
the man, would inch up to Mr. Hand
a few into the semester. “Mr
Hand,” they would ask timidly, “how
come you act like that guy on Hawaii
Five-O?"

"E don't know what you're talking
about."

It was, of course, much too obvious
for his considerable pride to admit.
But Mr. Hand pursued his students
tirelessly as McGarrett pursued his
weekly criminals, with cast-iron emo-
tions and а paucity of words. Sub-
stitute truancy for drug traffic, missed
tests for robbery, U.S. history for Ha-
, and you had a class with Mr.

Hand. Little by little, his protean per-
sonality had been taken over by Mc
Garrett. He became possessed by Five-O.
He even got out of his Oldsmobile
gs at full stand.
like

sedan in the mori
his head

both ways,

"History," Mr. Hand had һа
that first morning, “U.S. or otherwi
has proved one thing to us. Man does
not do anything that is not for his own
good. It is for your own good that you
attend my class. And if you can't make
it... I can make you."

An impatient knock began at the
front door of the bungalow, but Mr.
Hand ignored
There will be tests in this class," he
immediately. "We have a twenty-

(continued on page 140)

said

our annual survey

e = of styles for e

EL upcoming academic year

attire By DAVID PLATT

ALTHOUGH this fall's campus-fashion 3
mood is definitely more laid back
than what меуе observed in the past
few years, T-shirts, tennies and blue
jeans won't be the only items of ap-
parel stashed in collegians’ closets.
Rising tuition costs have necessitated
the creation of more inventive looks
that (text concluded on page 134)

sei When it comes Jo compuswear,

DOE ins
et with. odi le hood, а ‘about |

b legged sl ‘about $45, all by
Sal Cesaroni for Cescrani; plus а cotion
flannel plaid shirt, from Equipment by
Henry Grethel, $32.50.

PHOTOGRAPHY BY STEVE EWERT ay

Above: Go Western, young mon, in a cotton poplin quilted Western-
style jocket featuring corduroy trim, suede elbow patches ond pleated
flap patch pockets, $325, worn over a matching five-button vest with
corduroy trim ond besom pockets, $95, plus cotton corduroy Western-
style jeans, $85, ond o multicolor silk poisley string tie, $7.50, oll by
Bob Goldfeder for Acorn. Right; An easygoing polyester/nylon chintz
blouson jacket with zip and snap-front closure, double-entry pockets,
stand-up collar and a biswing bock, by Adolfo for Strotojac, about
$130; coupled with cotton twill Western-style jeans, by Levi's Movin’ On,
obout $24; polyester/wool coble-stitched crew-neck, by Jantzen,
$27.50; ond a cotton flannel long-sleeved shirt, by Ron Chereskin, $35.

Belo classic combinotion includes

а herringbone jacket, by Pendleton,
about $175; corduroy slacks, by Tobios
Kotzin for Circle TK, about $34; acrylic/
wool sweater, by Lord Jeff, $47.50;

ploid shirt, by Von Heusen, $15; and а
club tie, by Yves Saint Laurent, about
$15. А water-repellent outercoot,
by London Fog’s Outdoors Unlimited,
$150; polyester/cotton shirt, by Van Hev-
sen, $1B.50; a wool Indian-pottern
sweater, $65, and wool slacks,

$62.50, both by Pendleton.

can be mixed and matched, thus helping to keep wardrobe budgets under control while increasing versatilit
colors certainly is one way to extract the maximum mileage from any assortment of styles and, fortunately, this year's offerings in-
clude an unusually broad spectrum of hues ranging from earthy to bold and bright. Tweed makes its annual autumnal return
in both suits and sports jackets, but this fall it earns even higher fashion marks when teamed with, say, a boldly patterned
sweater vest. Stylish sweaters, of course, have always been at the head of the class on campuses from San Diego State to the
University of Maine; but as the layered look continues to dominate modes of male dress, pullovers, cardigans and sleeveless
creations take on increasing importance. Down-filled outerwear is still the hands-down favorite for the colder climes, often
combined with a pair of hiking/survival boots. (For more on this, check the On the Scene section in this issue.) Last, keep in mind
that the necktie—aside from being a symbol of the business establishment—is also a colorful accessory to just about any outfit.

"The artful use of

Above left: More thon knowledge hos gone to this lod's head—perhaps with a little help from his polyester/nylon/cotton down-ond-fiber-
filled box quilted toggle coat with inside zip-front closure, from Struggle Gear by Williom Barry, $160; wool knit V-neck with front cable-stitch
trim, $57.50, and a cotton/polyester shirt, $21, both from Equipment by Henry Grethel; worn with corduroy slacks, from John Weitz by Glen
Oaks, $32.50; and a wool knit tie, by Vicky Davis, $13. Above right: More good-looking threads to make book on include a wool striped
herringbone two-piece suit, by Cricketeer, about $285; Shetland wool Argyle-front sleeveless V-neck, by Lord Jeff, $55; polyester/cotton
striped buttondown shirt, by John Henry, $22.50; and a polyester/silk club tie, by Bert Pulitzer, $16.50. Right: The perfect fall fashion
kickoff—a cotton down-filled jacket with hidden hood, zip and Velcro front closure and elasticized drawstring waist, from Jeffrey Banks for
134 Lakeland, about $165; plus double-pleated corduroy slacks, by Jeffrey Banks, $84; and a knit pullover, by Merona Sport, about $33.

WOMEN'S FASHIONS BY CECILY, ROSE HIPS AND PLAIN JANE FOR =SPRIT

PLAYBEB

Paser Is RCH (continued from page 114)

“Cindy flat-dives and a few drops of the splash prick

Harry's naked chest.”

always straight: arms like ropes, start
down slow, and look at the ball until
it seems to swell. He ended with a birdie,
on the long parfive that winds in
und the brook with its water cress
and sandy orange bottom almost to the
clubhouse lawn, and that triumph (the
wooden gobbling sound the cup makes
when a long putt falls) edipses many
double bogeys and suffuses with limpid
certainty of his own omnipotence and
immortality the sight of the scintillating
chlorinated water, the sunstruck [aces
and torsos of his companions and the
golden shadow-pitted flank of Mt. Pema-
quid where its forest begins above the
shaven bright stripes of the fairways.
‘The developers of the Flying Eagle (its
name plucked from a bird, probably a
sparrow hawk, the first surveyor spotted
and took as an omen) bought 300 acres
of the lower slopes cheap; as the bull-
dozers ground the second-growth ash,
poplar, hickory and dogwood into mud-
dy troughs that would become fairways
and terraced tennis courts, people said
the dub would fail, the county already
had the Brewer Country Club south of
the city for the doctors and the Jews and
ten miles north the Tulpehocken Club
behind its fieldstone walls amd tall
wrought-iron fencing for the old mill-
owning families and their lawyers and
for the peasantry several e-hole
public courses tucked around in the
farmland. But there was a dass of
the young middle-aged that had arisen
in the retail businesses and service indus-
tries and software end of the new tech-
nology and that did not expect liveried
barmen and secluded cardrooms, that
did not mind the prefab clubhouse and
sweep-it-yourself tennis courts of the Fly-
ing Eagle; to them the polyester wall-to-
wall carpeting of the locker rooms were
luxury and a Coke machine in a cement
corridor a friendly sight. They werc
happy to play winter rules all summer
long on the immature sparse fairways
and to pay for their modest privilege
the $500, now risen to 5650, in annual
dues, plus a small fortune in chits. At
the Flying Eagle Harry feels exercised,
cleansed, cherished; the biggest man at
the table, he lifts his hand and a girl in
Flying Eagle white and green comes and
without asking his name takes his order
for more drinks on this Sunday of wide-
spread gas dearth.

"Do you believe in ast

logy?” Bud-

136 у girl abruptly asks Cindy Murkett.

Maybe she’s a lesbian, is why Harry
can't remember her name. It was a name
soft around the edges, not Gertrude.

“1 don't know," Cindy says, the wid-
ened eyes of her surprise sho
white in the mask of her tan. “
the horoscope in the papers sometimes.
Some of the things they say ring so tue,
but isn't there a trick to that?’

“It’s no trick, it's ancient science. It's
the most ancient science there is.”

This assault on Cindy's repose agi-
tates Hi , so he turns to Webb and.
asks if he watched the Phillies game last
night.

The Phillies are dead,” Ronnie Har-
rison interrupts.

Buddy comes up with the statistic that
they've lost 25 of their last 34 games.
was brought up a Catholic,” Cindy
is saying to Buddy's girl in a voice so
lowered Harry has to strain to hear.
nd the priests said such things are the
work of the Devil" She fingers as she
confides this the small crucifix she wears
about her throat on a chain so fine it has
left no trace in her tan.

“Воља” being out has hurt them quite
a lo," Webb says judiciously, and pokes
another cigarette into his creased face,
lifting his rubbery upper lip automati-
cally like a camel. He shot an 84 this
afternoon, with one ball in the water.

Janice is asking Thelma where she
bought that lovely bathing suit. She
must be drunk. "You can't find that
Rabbit

kind at all in Kroll's anymore,

hears her say. She is wearing an ela:
blue one-piece that holds her in, with a
white sweater bought to go with her
tennis whites hung capelike over her
shoulders. She holds a cigarette in
her hand and Webb Murkett leans over
to light it with his turquoise propane
lighter. She's not so bad, Harry thinks.
Compared with "Thelma's sallow limbs
Janice’s figure has energy, edge, the bones
‘of the knees pressing their shape against
the skin as she Icans forward to accept his
light. She does this easily, Webb respects
her, as Fred Springer’s daughter. The
drinks come. Grateful cries, like on the
beer commercials, and Cindy Murkett
decides to earn hers by going for another
swim. When she stands, the backs of
her thighs are printed in squares and her
skimpy black bathing-suit bottom, still
wet, clings in two ares a width of skin
below two dimples symmetrically set in
her fat; the sight d s Harry. The
mountain is drawing closer. Sun redden-

ing beyond the city dusts with gold the
tips of trees high like a mane on the
crest of Pemaquid and deepens the pock-
ets of dark between each tree in the un-
dulating forest that covers like deep-piled
carpet the acreage between crest and
course. Along the far 11th fairway men
are still picking their way, insect-sized.
As his eyes are given to these distances,
Cindy flacdives and a few drops of the
splash prick Harry's naked chest, that
feels broad as the basking mountain.
He frames in his mind the words Г
heard a funny story on the radio yester-
day driving home... .

“If I had your nice legs" Ronnie's

plain wife is concluding to Janice.
“Oh, but you still have a waist. Crecp-
ig middle-itis, that's what I've got.
Harry says Fm shaped like a pickle.”
Giggle. First she giggles, then she begins
to lurch.

“He looks asleep.”

He opens his eyes and announces to

the air, "I heard a funny story on the
radio yesterday driving home.
Fire Ozark,” Ronnie is insisting loud-
He's lost their respect, he's demoral-
ng. Until they can Ozark and trade
Rose away, the Phillies are. D-E-A-D,
dead.
I'm listening,” Buddy's awlul gi
nd tells Harry, so he has to go on.
Oh, just some doctor down in Balti-
more, the radio announce he was
hauled into court for killing a goose on
the course with a golf club."

“Course on the golf with a goose
club," Janice giggles Someday what
would give him great pleasure would be
to take а large round rock and crush
her skull in with it.

“Where'd you hear this, Harry
Webb Murkett asks him, coming in late
but politely tilting his long head, one
eye shut against the smoke of his ciga-
rette.

“Оп the radio yesterday, driving
home," Harry answers, sorry he has

ng of yesterday," Buddy has to
interrupt, "I saw a gas line five blocks
long. That Sunoco at the corner of Ash
and Fourth, it went down Fourth to
Buttonwood, Buttonwood to Fifth, Fifth
back to Ash, and then a new line begin-
ning the other side of Ash. They had
s directing and everything. I couldn't
it, and cars were still geuing into
Five fucking blocks long.”

ig heatingoil dealer who's one of
our clients,” Ronnie says, "says they
have plenty of crude, it's just they've de-
cided to put the squeeze on gasoline and
make more heating oil out of it. The
crude. In their books winter's already
here. I asked the guy what was going to
happen to the average motorist and he
looked at me funny and said, 'He can
(continued on page 190)

HE EVOLUTIO
OF, THE

IMORALMA \ JORITY

the creationists are obviously wrong—otherwise, how could we have this article?

RECENT DISCOVERY of the “lost” papers of Professor Oswell О. Godot has created a sensation among the scien-
community. This find, consisting of some 600 handwritten s of journal, lab notes and random doo-
dies, was uncovered by Dr. Kirby Darwink, director of the Sodom id Gomorrah Institute of Further Studies.
At a press conference atop a mountain in Tibet, Dr, Darwink announced that the Godot papers had
been well worth waiting for, as they conclusively prove that Moral Majority evolved from amoebus cretinus
80,578,036 years ago (gi year). This news was greeted with catcalls and curses by the leadership
Moral Majority, whose position has been that they were immaculately conceived by a rednecked stork
only 10,000 years ago.
_ Signs of violent dissension among the pious ranks are becoming apparent. In San Francisco, 2 Mo-Maj
itself the Neo-Real Moral Majority Minority Consensus Pro-Life Quorum claimed re-
age assault on the Reverend Dewgood Grank, one of the organization’s foun
angry debates have broken out between lay Creationists and gay-lay Creatioi
despite the best efforts of. President Raygun, Moral Majority appears to be coming apart at the seams—the
big-bang theory in revers
Meanwhile, objective scientists from around the world marvel at Professor Godots illuminating data,
which includes a fascinating reconstruction of the Mo-Maj "family tree” (see crude sketch overleaf). This d
gram is remarkable on two counts: It reveals this white birch to be devoid of roots (once thought impossible by
many tree surgeons) and its peculiar ability to grow despite a severe case of Dutch elm disease.
‘The branches enable us to clearly trace the group from its humble beginnings in the primordi

humor By DEREK PELL

137

a sign of Peking man anywhere), through its early manifestations as invertebrate puritan, pristine crab (pre-
ceding page), fundamentalist rattlesnake, anti-Communist laughing hyena, gnu right and book-burning ele-
phant, to the heights of holy sapiens. A strange, mutational journey, indeed.

Godor's discovery of early pious life forms and ultraconservative remains (including fossils of Abortina
Nix, ancestor of Phylis Shifty, spokeswoman for Daughters of Big-Time Baptist TV Preachers) sheds new light
on the once-dark areas of speculation and myth. Now, perhaps, the theories of the Stork, the Hawk and the
Domino may finally be put to rest and we will have learned to “kecp thy nose out of thy neighbor's business.”

Amen.

EARLY PIOUS LIFE FORMS

FUNDAMENTALIST RATTLESNAKE
(Extremely Poisonous)

BOOK-BURNING ELEPHANTS

GNU RIGHT
(With Corset)

138

А n mgonvpoCgITICALSS

HoLY SAPIENS

REV. Fev Ei
R. Rayon

f wane noraen

REY. kipatak,

REV. Moony
Joste Heus ES
L Exxon
тук ozman =
XR ERES Ф L Exx ax

ым. BocKLES. Tanec Bunes

seme J,

А Шему"
yit Rev. ROCkYFELLAR,

Ѕтяомо» Тикарлуә® S

Phys smery

Goby inten. Es r
BUNKER HUNTUÉ-
Resecca oF Г
ا‎ |Z Dres
2—4

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snan нан?”
Ж WASP NEST

Rev. T. WeCantay
MONTY NATIONAL
С. KHAN

LIEF EREK SON
' Dun Bo" (ELEPHANTASTIKUS СОРОХ)

“= тА

PRISTINE CRAB

CEDAT
Apt

ANT communist
Танін. HENA
Toia кила,

INVERTEBRATE PURITAN

ao рин ELA DISEASE.

i /Амоєвыѕ CRerinus
Skeletal Reconstruction of No Reore у
ANTICOMMUNIST =

LAUGHING

HYENA

MORAL MAJORITY'S FAMILY TREE

PROFESSOR
OSWELL O. GODOT

139

PLAYBOY

140

RIDGEMONT HIGH

(continued from page 130)

“Spicoli awoke before dawn, smoked three bowls of
marijuana and surfed before school.”

question quiz every Friday. 1t will cover
all the material we've dealt with during
the week. There will be no m
exams. You can see it's impor
you have your Land of Truth and Lib-
erty textbook by Wednesday at the
latest.”

‘The knock continued.

“Your grade in this class is the aver-
age of all your quizzes, plus the mid-
term and the final, which counts for
one third.”

The door knocker now sounded a

lazy calypso beat. No one dared mer
n it.
Also. There will be no eating in
this class. I want you to get used to do-
ing your business on your time. That's
one demand І make. You do your busi
ness on your time, and I do my busi-
nes on my time. 1 don't like staying
after class with you on detention. That's
my time. Just like you wouldn't want
me to come to your house some evening
and discuss U. S. history with you on
your time. Pakalo?

Mr. Hand finally turned. as if he had
just noticed the sound at the door,
and began to approach the green meta
barrier between him and his myster
truant. Не opened the door only an
inch.

“Yeah,” said the student, a surfer. “I’m
registered for this class.”

“Really?” Mr. H
thralled.

d appeared en-

“Yeah,” said the student, holding his
all-important red add card up to the
k in the door. “This is U. S. history,

right? I saw the globe in the window.
Jell Spicoli, a Ridgemont legend

nce
third grade, lounged against the doo
frame. His long dirtyblond hair was
parted exactly in the middle. He spoke
thickly, like molasses pouring from a ja
Most every school morning, Spicoli
awoke before dawn, smoked three bowls
of marijuana from a small steel bong,
put on his wet suit and surfed before
school. He was never at school on Fri
days and on Mondays only when he
could handle it. Hc leaned a little into
the room, red eyes glistening. His long
ha still wet, dampening the back
of his white peasant sl

May I come

“Oh, please," replied Mr. Hand. "I
get so lonely when that third attendance
bell rings and 1 don't sce all my kids
here.”

"The surfer laughed—he was the only
one—and handed over his red add card.
“Sorry Fm late. This new schedule
totally confusing."

Mr. Hand read the card aloud with
utter fascination in his voice. “Mr.
Spicolig"

Yes, sir. That's the name they gave

Hand slowly tore the red add card
into little pieces, effectively destroying
the very existence of Jeffrey Spicoli, 15,
in the Redondo school system. Mr, Hand
kled the little pieces over his waste-

Spicoli stood there, frozen in the proc-
css of removing his backpack. "You just
ripped up my card,” he said with disbe-
lief. "What's your problem?"

Mr. Hand moved to within inches of
Spicoli's face. "No problem," he said
breezily. “I think you know where the
iront office is.”

It took a moment for the words to
work their way out of Spicoli's mouth.

"You dick

Mr. Hand cocked his head. He ap-
ed poised on the edge of incredible
was a sudden nce
while the class wondered exactly what
he might do to the surfer. Deck him?
"Throw him out of Ridgemont? Shoot
him at sunrise?

But Mr. Hand simply turned away
from Spicoli as if the kid had just ceased
to exist. Small potatoes. Mr. Hand sim-
ply continued with his first-day lecture.

“Гуе taken the trouble,” he said, “to
print up a complete schedule of class
quizzes amd the chapters they cover.
Please pass them to all the desks behind
you.

Spicoli remained at the front of the
class, his face flushed, still trying to sort
out what had happened. Mr. Hand coolly
counted out stacks of his purple mimco-
graphed assignment sheets. After a time,
picoli fished a few bits of his red add
card out of the wastebasket and huffed
outol the room,

Mr. Hand had made his entrance, just
as Brad had said he would. But the
strange saga of Mr. Hand wasn’t the only
item Brad handed down to his sister. He
had also passed her a fairly complete set
of Mr. Hand's weekly quizzes. Mr. Hand
did not change them (тот year to year, а
well-known fact that rendered him harm-
lessly entertaining.

‘So, id Mr. Hand just before the
last bell, “let's recap. First test on Friday.
Be there. Aloha.”

LUNCH COURT

Finding the right spot at Ridgemont
High’s outdoor lunch area was tougher
than getting the best table at the finest
restaurant. It was a puny swimming: pool.
sized courtyard dominated by 2 stocky
tree in the center, and it was always
packed with students. Even by the first
day, they had sectioned off into cliques
and staked out their lunch-court territory
for the year.

АП this for a 26-minute lunch period.

‘The doser one looked at lunch court,
the more interesting it became. The ob-
ject had always been to eat near the big
oak tree at the center, and in the begin-
ning at Ridgemont, it was the surfers and
the stoners who ruled this domain. Sev-
eral years later, they had moved to the
ng lot and the cafeteria (which was
twice the size of lunch court but tainted
with a reputation as an underclassmen's
hangout).

Now, each group clustered around
lunch court was actually a different con-
tingent of Ridgemont fast-food employ-
сез. Lunch-court positions corresponded
directly with the prestige and quality of
the employer. Why, a man was only as
good as his franchise.

Working inward from the outskirts of
Ridgemont High's lunch court were the
lowly all-night 7-Eleven workers, then
the Kentucky Fried Chicken and Burger
King crowd, the Denny's and Swenson's
types, all leading to the topol-Ridge-
mont-Drive-location Carl's Jr. employees.
And at the center of lunch court, eating
cold chicken under the hallowed oak
tree, was Brad Hamilton.

Brad was popular around Ridgemont.
In the world of fast food, once you had
achieved a position of power, the next
sign of influence was to bring in your
- dues. He had
loaded his Carl's Jr. with buddies. And
why not? He even helped train them.

"No friend of mine," Brad once said,

will ever have to work at a 7-Eleven or
in а supermarket.

And [or that, Brad's friends admired
and respected him.

Carl's Jr. was at the top of the Ridge-
mont fast-food hierarchy for several im-
portant reasoi Bec its fine
location at the top of Ridgemont Drive,
anybody headed anywhere in Ridgemont
passed that Carl's Jr. It was clean, with a
fountain in the middle of the dining
and never too many kids on theii
bicycles. Brad, like the other employe
even went there on his off hours, and that
was the ultimate test. By evening, Carl's
would be crawling with Ridgemont kids.

But why Carl's? Why not some other
fast-food operation? Why not Burger

(continued on page 226)

se of

PLAYBOY'S
PIGSKIN PREVIEW

sports By ANSON MOUNT

the country’ leading expert gives his pre-season picks for the top college teams and players

AN ominous financial crunch threatens football programs at
most privately owned universities. In fact, the very existence
of those programs is in immediate danger unless the respec-
tive university adininistrators take drastic acti and soon.

The gravity of the situation was dramatically illustrated
last April, when the Villanova University administration
suddenly announced—smack in the middle of spring prac-
tice—that its football team, a major Eastern gridiron power
for nearly a century, was being immediately disbanded. It
was only one of a long line of football programs at pri-
vately financed schools to bite the dust.

A few decades ago, private schools dominated the game,

and teams like Fordham, Georgetown, Boston College,
Georgia Tech, Northwestern and Duke were national powers.
Today, football programs at most private schools have either
disappeared or slipped into lethargy. The few that have
remained healthy and competitive fall into either of two
categories: church-related schools—such as Notre Dame, Bay-
lor and Brigham Young—whose athletic programs receive
ample and continuing support from church adherents who
identify with the teams even if they've never set foot on the
campus; and schools such as Southern California and Stan-
ford that for decades have built huge and cont g Follow-
ings among nonalumni in large metropolitan areas where they

Мерс.
10, Tasky 3
North, Corof

PHOTOGRAPHY BY BILL ARSENAULT

Left to right, top to bottom: John Elway, quarterback, Stanford; Kurt Becker, lineman, Michigan; Terry Tausch, lineman,
Texas; Brad Edelman, center, Missouri; Dwayne Crutchfield, runner, lowa State; Тіт Wrightman,

Pell, Coach of the Year, Florida; Anthony Carter, receiver, Michigan; Ed Muransky, lineman, Michigan; Roy Foster, lineman,
Southern California; Herschel Walker, runner, Georgia; Darrin Nelson, runner, Stanford; Steve Fehr, kicker, Navy.

PLAYBOY’S 1981 PREVIE

Left to right, top to bottom: David Galloway, lineman, Florida; Johnie Cooks, linebacker, Mississippi State; Robert Abraham,
linebacker, North Carolina State; Jim Bob Harris, back, Alabama; Lester Williams, lineman, Miami, Florida; Rohn Stark, punter,
Florida State; Darrell Songy, back, Oklahoma; Tim Wilbur, back, Indiana; Mike Richardson, back, Arizona State; Chip
Banks, linebacker, Southern Cal; Irv Eatman, lineman, University of California at Los Angeles; Kenneth Sims, lineman, Texas.

W ALL-AMERICA TEAM

144

THE ALL-AMERICA SQUAD

Listed in order of excellence ot their positions, oll hove
о good chance of moking someone's All-Americo team)

QUARTERBACKS: Art Schlichter (Ohio Stote), Jim McMahon (Brighom Young),
Don Marine (Pittsburgh), John Fourcode (Mississippi), Buck Belue (Georgio),
Oliver Luck (West Virginio)

RUNNING BACKS: Marcus Allen {Southern Californial, Walter Abercrombie
fBaylorl, Butch Woolfolk (Michigan), Gerold Willhite (Son Jose Stotel, Phil
Carter (Notre Dome), Kelvin Bryant (North Corolinal, Kerwin Bell (Колхоз), Barry
Redden (Richmond), Craig James (Southern Methodist), Joe Morris (Syrocuse)

RECEIVERS: Andre Tyler (Stonford), Anthony Honcock (Tennessee), Gory
lioms (Ohio State), Mike Quick (North Corolina State, Tyrone Young (Florido),
Rodney Holmon (Tulane), Tony Hunter (Notre Domel, Robert Hubble (Rice),
Perry Tuttle (Clemson)

OFFENSIVE LINEMEN: Williom “Bubbo" Poris (Michigan), Maceo Fifer (Houston),
John Conei (Місті, Florido), Joe Lukens (Ohio State), Terry Crouch (Oklohomo!,
Sean Forrell (Penn State, Ken Hammond (Vanderbilt), Chris Koehne (North
Corolina State)

CENTERS: Dove Rimington (Nebraskol, Lee North (Tennessee!

DEFENSIVE LINEMEN: Worren Lyles (Alobomo), Billy Ray Smith (Arkansos),
Tim Krumrie (Wisconsin, Jimmy Williams (Nebraska), Keith Boldwin (Teras
A&M), Andre Tippett (озо), Fletcher Jenkins (Washington), Robert Brown
(Virginia Tech), Eddie Weaver (Georgio)

LINEBACKERS: Bob Crable (Notre Dame), Scott Nicclos (Miomi, Florida), Rich
Dixon (Colifornial, Marcus Morek (Ohio State), Jeff Dovis (Clemson), Ricky
Young (Oklahoma State), Darrell Nicholson (North Corolina)

DEFENSIVE BACKS: Jomes Britt (Louisiane Statel, Mike Kennedy (Toledo), Mike
Robb (Minnesota), Steve Brown (Oregon), Perry Willioms (North Corolina State),
Anthony Watson (New Mexico Stotel, Joey Browner (Southern Coliforniol,
Sommy Sims (Nebraska)

KICKERS: Morten Andersen (Michigan State), Jim Arnold (Vonderbiltl, Chuck
Nelson (Washington), Rick Anderson (Purdue)

TOP NEWCOMERS

Incoming freshmen ond tronsfers who should moke it big)

Offensivelinemon <... -sasaa -as 20-00-0002 a ees e+. Pittsburgh
Spencer Nelms, defensive lineman А А . Ohio State
Darryl Smith, runner ..-...--... Sib ca : КТЕН
Terry Sonders, punter . . E REE E ...Alobema
Bill Elko, defensive lineman * 00000005 Louisiona Stote
Gino Wynter, receiver .... < -+ -+ Vanderbilt
Joe Mcintosh, runner .... * North Carolino Stote
Robert Lavette, runner... 5 ^ SE Georgia Tech
Melvin Dorsey, runner. Western Carolino
Bruce Smith, defensive lineman . Ae NUM - -Virginia Tech
Mike Rendino, kicker ...... rum M M Herida Sich.
Mike Rozier, runner .......... ..... Nebraska
Eddie Goodlow, runner ............ Oklahoma Slate
Ray Robinson, defensive lineman m
Kevin Hancock, linebocker . . . Е T sese -Baylor
Jackie Wilson, receiver .... 2 А Southern Methodist
Jesse Clork, runner .. d Жы БИШЕ tea eae E Ай горло
Michoel Colhoun, quarterbock . РОСТО f -Rice
Mike Gray, defensive linemon ........... .. Oregon
Terry Jockson, defensive linemen ... Stanford
Mike Vindivich, runner е ЙЛЫ ...... Washington
Kelly Angell, - Utah Siote

were the only major sports attraction
(until the Forties, there were no major-
league professional sports franchises on
the West Coast).

Very soon every private school in the
country with a football team will be
forced to face a hard decision—get in
and compete or get out. Three schools
that have already made the former deci-
sion are Southern Methodist, Tulane
and Vanderbilt. At all three, new ath-
letic facilities have been constructed,
recruiting budgets multiplied, coaching
salaries increased and aggressi
ing and publicrelations
begun.

Russ Potts, until recently the athletic
director at Southern Methodist and the
mastermind of that school's impres-
sive athletic renaissance, gave PLAYBOY
some insights:

“Many people living near a major
university want to identify with and
support the football team, cven if
they've never gone to college. All you
have to do is ask them and make them
feel welcome. In less than three years,
we more than quintupled the contribu-
tions to the athletic program. A private
school must have a much broader base of
support than just the alumni. Take Rice,
for example. If every living graduate of
that university went to see a football
game, they would fill up fewer than half
the seats in Rice stadium

"What a lot of college administrators
don't realize is that not only does a
winning football team generate public
contributions to the athletic program
but it inspires gifts to the medical school
and the library as well. Notre Dame and
SMU arc the best examples of that.

How docs a private school engincer
its athletic rebirth?

“First.” said Potts, “you've got to have
a university president who understands
the significance of winning teams to the
whole institution, like Dr. James Zum-

athletic director like Hindman Wall at
Tulane or Roy Kramer at Vanderbilt.
Then you have to take an all-out free-
enterprise approach—use all the mai
keting, promotion and advertising
techniques available in the private sec-
tor. That's your main advantage in com-
peting with the state schools; they're
publicfunded bureaucratic institutions
with longdrawnout decision-making
processes. Private schools сап make in-
telligent and creative decisions quickly
and with a minimum of hassle.

Also,” Potts added as ап alter-
thought, “athletic directors should have
the same status as vice presidents of their
university. Some A.D.s have five times as
many people working for them as any

(continued on page 166)

TARZAN & BO

sorry, tarzan, but in john derek’s version of the ape man’s saga,
it’s a spectacular jane—the “10” of the jungle—who steals the show

17% A DIFFERENT John and Bo Derek than you might
expect. Truc, some things stay the same—John still
has his mountain-man mane of gray hair and Bo
well, as you can sec, she's still magnificent.

But John is no longer doing all the talking and Bo
seldom acts like a lost child looking to Daddy to show her
the way. Instead, they appear to be a team; and while John
may still be team captain, there's now a sense of partner-
ship evident in everything they say and do.

Its apparent in the little things. Bo finishes some of
John's sentences, filling in words or facts he's groping for,
even correcting him when he makes a mistake. There's
more give-and-take, and it's not uncommon for both of
them to take turns expressing parts of the same thought,
something of a tagteam — (lext. continued on page 244)

PHOTOGRAPHY BY JOHN DEREK

The originol odd couple, Torzen ond Jane, seemingly contemplote
their future (obove); between tokes, some supporting-cost members
pass time with Bo (below). The two chimps are Louie, with the slote,
and Doc, who plays Cheetoh, odjusting the focus. Behind the camero
is C.J., the oranguton. “I liked C.J, but not the chimps,” says Bo.

147

C.J., the jeclaus arangutan, didn’t much like the idea of Tarzan and Jone having fun without him (abave). In о totally impromptu mave,
he pulled 195-pound Miles O'Keeffe aff Bo, interrupting one of the movie's steamier scenes. Jahn fit the scene into the film.

Jane collapses after tussling with Tarzan and C.J. (below left). “We wrestled with him for an hour and а half," recalls Bo. “Orangutans
аге several times stronger than people and have four things to grob you with.” Below right, Tarzan ond Jone take o stroll in the jungle.

Captured by natives and painted white as part of a ritual (right), Jane owoits her fate
150 at the hands of the evil ivory King. After the shooting, Bo sponges off (above).

5.59

The white-paint scenes took three days to film and ot the end of each day, the cast would head far the river to wash up. “No one wanted to

go back to the hotel painted white,” explains Bo. Left, а triumphant Tarzan surveys his new domain after killing the Ivory King.

m. ui

P
=
k

“I don't act," says Во. “I react. And Miles doesn't speak much in the film. So that makes it very easy to pretend you're in the jungle with

this beautiful thing who doesn't speak and whom yau don't know. You're getting to know each other through just emotions and expressions."

be
e
m
н
L
ы
А

"Were you at all suspicious about the slogan
"Lose weight or triple your money back?”

what maketh a man?

Ribald Classic

trom The Perfumed Garden, by Sheik Umar ibn Muhammed al-Nefzawi, circa 1500 д.р.

ABOU EL HEIDJA, a son of the rich mer-
chant Kheiroun, was out hunting one
day when he became separated from his
servants and was lost. He wandered all
night, but in the morning he met an-
other hunting party—some 20 horsemen
with a handsome youth at their head.
Looking a little closer, however, he per-
ceived that the youth was, in fact, a
lovely woman. She spoke to him, intro-
duced herself as the Princess Zohra and,
learning that he had been lost, invited
him to have breakfast with her party.

Abou and Zohra sat apart from the
others, the young man silently admiring
the gracefulness of her figure and the
amorous expression of her eyes. After
they had talked a bit, Abou said, "It is
very good to mcet you thus by chance; I
hope that we shall come to be friends.

Zohra replied, "Pure friendship be-
tween man and woman is impossible, be-
cause, once their hearts are inclined,
libidinous desires soon invade them.”

Abou answered, “That is not so when
the affection is true and without treach
егу. Ours, for example—we could meet
in this seduded place and all the world
would be ignorant of our meetings."

Zohra said, "It cannot be. Already
your smile is seductive and your words
are ripe with love.”

Abou said, “I fear that, even
talked, love took root in my heart

In the end, they bade each other
adieu, and Zohra went away to her cas-
tle and Abou to his father’s house. But
he could not sleep. The next day, he
spoke with his trusted friend Selim and
with his body servant Mimoun. When
night fell, they buckled on their swords
and set out for Zohra’s castle.

They traveled all night and, at dawn,
they came close to it. Mimoun and Selim
sheltered in a cavern while Abou went
to look at the approaches to the castle.
He found it surrounded by a high wall
that scemed impossible to scale.

When he returned to the cavern, he
slept for a while until Mimoun awak-
ened him. “Master,” he said, "there is
some sort of passageway in the mountain
that leads in the direction of the castle.

So Abou and his two companions took
their sabers and began to feel their way
through the dark tunnel. They at last
came to a crevice through which light
shone. When they peered through, they
saw a dazzling sight. Here was a splendid
palace room cut from the living rock
and magnificently furnished. And, won-
der of wonders, here was the princess
Zohra surrounded by about 100 lovely
virgins, all cating and drinkiag at a long
table. The princess sat alone on a
gemmed throne and was even more beau-
tiful than when Abou had scen her last.

5 we

" said Selim,
“that licentiousness reigns in this place.
It would seem to be a secret chamber
given over to feasting, drinking and
debauchery

The three companions waited for a
while until the maidens had seated
themselves on divans and were a little
befuddled from all the wine they had
drunk. Then, taking care to veil their
faces, they stepped through the crevice
into the light.

"Who are you?" cricd Zohra. “What
do you want?

All three answered at the same time.
ur love!” said Abou.

“Fornication!” said Selim and Mimoun.

Then Selim addressed her, saying,
“Know, lady, that you sec before you
the three fiercest swordsmen in this king-
dom. And know also that we are the
three most stout and indefatigable lanc-
ers who сусг skewered a woman!”

"So?" said Zohra and she clapped her
hands. Out of the shadows sprang a doz-
еп women warriors, fully armed, at least
three and a half cubits tall, and very
ugly. They quickly disarmed the com-
panions. “And now,” said Zohra, mus-
ing, “now that your faces are no longer
concealed, I see before me Abou el
Heidja, who has made a certain pro-
fession about his feeling for me, and his
two friends, who have made incredible
boasts. Are you all in this together?”

They bowed their heads and swore by
the Prophet's beard that they were.

“Then,” said Zohra, “we shall make a
test. If any one of you fails, you shall
all die the vilest kind of death. Now
listen carefully; here are the trials I set.”
She explained that among her women
was one Mouna, who was famous for her
insatiable sexual voracity—she had worn
out hundreds of lovers. Zohra nodded
at Mimoun. “It will be your task to tame
her and make her ay ‘Enough!’ ”

As for Selim, he was to show his man-
hood by deflowering 80 virgins, one after

ILLUSTRATION BY BRAO HOLLAND.

another, without spilling a drop of se-
men. “And I have among my women,

Zohra said with a smile, “several who
have hymens like straps of iron. But you
have boasted of your great virility, have
you not?”

nally, Abou. "You are to stay in
this chamber among my women, naked,
bound hand and foot Some of these
women will see to it that you attain an
erection. You will keep that state of your
member for fifty days and fifty nights
without any help." Then she asked if
they had any requests before beginning.

The men conferred in whispers, and
finally Abou spoke for them. During the
tests, Mimoun was to be fed with bread
and the yolks of eggs. Selim was to have
a drink of camel's milk and honey, along
with a cooked mixture of meat, onions
and ch peas. Abou himself demanded
a mixture of onion juice and honey
and onions cooked with meat.

Zohra, though she seemed a bit puz-
zled at such tastes, ordered it to be done.
Mimoun was led off to the bedchamber
of the infamous Mouna. Selim was taken
to another chamber with several beds
and a row of benches long enough to
accommodate thc linc of 80 waiting
virgins. Abou was stripped and tied to
а post and two pretty girls did some
charming things to him for a few min-
utes before leaving him alone.

Zohra, confident of success, went back
to feasting with her attendants and lis-
tening to the music of her performers.
After several days, she paid a visit to
Mimoun and Mouna. There she found
such a grinding and sweating and duet
of animal sounds that she was quite
dazed. In Selim's chamber, she found
half of the line of 80 already disposed
of, quietly sleeping on mats around the
walls, and Selim thunderously calling,
“Nex Abou she observed firmly at
attention. And so it went for many days
and nights.

Finally, one night there was a scream
from Mouna's chamber. The door burst
open and she came running out, crying,
“Get him away from me! Enough is
enough!"

Just then, a girl came running from
Selim's chamber. "Quick! Find some way
of stopping him. He has finished off the
cighty virgins, diddled the three serving
girls who were bringing him food, and
now he's raping the guard."

Zohra rose from her throne. One
glance in Abou's direction confirmed
that she had lost her gamble. Slipping
off her garments, she walked slowly up
to him.

And thus it is as the sages and savants
have told us: Diet maketh the man.

—Retold by Abder Rassi E 163

[o ТМ DAL ZEE RESTS
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PLAYBOY

PIGSKIN PREVIEW

(continued from page 144)

“The Tigers will not play Rutgers for the first time
since 1869, when the two teams invented the game.”

school vice-president.”

Now that we've told them how to do
it, look for a rebirth of gridiron fortunes
rthwestern, Syracuse and Texas
an. But while we're waiting, let's
take a look at the various teams as
this season approaches.

THE EAST

INDEPENDENTS

8-3 Navy 5-5
1-4 Rutgers 5-5
74 Boston College 5-6

1-3 Ату 5-6

6-5 Temple 2-8
IVY LEAGUE.

8-2 Columbia 4-6
7-3 Comell 37
5-5 Princeton 37
46 Brown 37

TOP PLAYERS: Collins, Marino, Boures,
Covert (Pittsburgh); Farrell, Kubin, Warner
(Penn State); Morris, Anderson, McCollom
(Syracuse); Rogers, Robinson, Grabowski
(Colgate); Luck, Talley, Jones (West Vir-
ginia); Fehr, Meyers, Jordan (Navy); Pickel,
Ray, Rustemeyer (Rutgers); Budness, Ray
mond, Cooper (Boston College); Bennett,
Walker, Kessler (Army) Lucear, Peters
(Temple); Leone, Tulsak (Yale); Pizor,
Thompson (Dartmouth); Beauvais, Meiner-
ney (Pennsylvania); Callinan, Cuccia (Наг.
vard); Cabrera, Wallace (Columbia); Тау.
lor, Bohenick (Cornell); Helmerich, Neary
(Princeton); Jordan, Sims (Brown).

Pittsburgh
Penn State
Syracuse
Colgate
West Virginia

Yale
Dartmouth
Pennsylvania
Harvard

There's no way the Pittsburgh Pan-
thers can be as strong as they were the
past two seasons, because their manpow-
er drainage was severe and their losses
were high-quality. Twelve of last year's
seniors were taken in the pro draft. But
opponents who expect Pitt to take a
tumble are in for a rude awakening.
The cupboard is far from bare, since
coach Jackie Sherrill has a bumper crop
of recruits every year and there are
plenty of eager young studs waiting to
fill the holes left by graduates. Don't be
shocked if the Panthers wind up in the
top 20 again.

Penn State's success last fall was large-
ly a matter of the enthusiasm of many
young players. Several freshmen played
key roles in the offensive unit and they
will benefit from added experience this
year. The Nittany Lions will probably
field their most explosive offense ever.
The squad's only apparent weakness is
the defensive line. The schedule may be
a problem, also—six of ti fall's con-
tests are against tcams with excellent
chances of winding up in the upper

166 reaches of the polls.

Syracuse will be much improved. New
coach k MacPherson has instilled
spirit and tenacity in the squad and has
given the whole football program a new
stability. Look for the Orangemen to
ambush some unwary opponents. Stellar
halfback Joe Morris should have a ban-
ner year.

After a season of might-have-beens,
Colgate hopes its additional maturity
(as many as 16 seniors could be in the
starting line-up) can produce an impres-
sive record by season's end. And the
schedule is soft compared with those of
the East's other major teams.

West Virginia coach Don Nehlen must
rebuild his backfield, find a capable
backup for splendid quarterback Oliver
Luck and greatly improve his defensive
platoon. Fortunately, nearly all of last
year's defenders return and should be
bigger, tougher and smart

The Navy defense also will improve
with added experience, but the offensive
unit was a disappointment in spring
drills, largely due to a shortage of сар:
ble linemen. The Middies could use
more and better receivers as well. Both
of those question marks could be erased
by the incoming group of recruits. If the
offensive reinforcements don’t material-
ize, most of Navy's scoring may be done
by Playboy All-America place kicker
Steve Fehr.

Rutgers has returned to reality after
а bricl brush with greatness last autumn.
Graduation gutted the team, and much
rebuilding has to be done before the
season kickoff at Syracuse. New quarter-
back Ralph Leek will add dimension to
the running game, but many of the skill
positions will be filled by incoming
freshmen. A staunch defense should hold
opponents in check long enough for the
youngsters on offense to get their act
together.

"The major problem for rookie Boston
College coach Jack Bicknell will be a
gelatinous offensive line. But the Eagles
have fathoms of depth in the backfield
and Bicknell has instilled a new am-
bience of energy and discipline in the
group. The early-season opponents,
though, are murderous.

Army plans to march back to respect-
ability this season. The Cadets are more
experienced at every position, team
speed is better and the schedule isn't
nearly as tough as in recent campaigns.
Still, both lines are porous. Look for
quarterback Jerry! Bennett and halfback

Gerald Walker to raise eyebrows with a
lot of big gains.

Only five starters return at Temple,
but coach Wayne Hardin tells us this
will definitely be a better team because
its attitude is so much improved over a
year ago. “Last year our younger players
were riding the crest of recent successes
based on the hard work of the older
p s," Hardin says. “They seemed to
think winning was automatic. Now
they've learned they have to work for
it.” The youngsters will need to be hard-
nosed to negotiate what could be a very
grueling year.

There's going to be a major reshuffling
of the standings in the Ivy League this
season because so many teams have suf-
fered serious losses. The principal excep-
tion is Yale, where most of the players
responsible for last year's successes are
back and are joined by 2 contingent of
sophomores who can lend help in the
right places.

The Dartmouth offense has been deci-
mated by graduation, but the defensive
unit, probably the best in the league,
should enable the Greenies to post a
successful slate.

Pennsylvania has won only one game
during the past two years, but this group
of Quakers will be the most improved
Ivy team. First-year coach Jerry Berndt
has imparted a new vigor to the squad
and the talent is superior to that of the
recent dry years.

The Harvard team's success will de-
pend on how quickly the many incoming
players develop. There is plenty of tal.
ent and pote among them. Don
Allard looks like the best bet to win
the quarterback job.

Signal calling is once again the key
to Columbia's hopes for a good season.
There are five quality candidates for the
quarterback job, with Pete Rappa hav-
ing the inside track as summer drills
opened. The receivers could be outstand-
ng. The defense, largely untested, will
e to learn quickly.

Cornell fans will have a hard time
recognizing the players, because nearly
everyone is new. It looks like a lean year
in Ithaca.

Princeton will be primarily a running
team because of the talent that's avail-
ble. The big news is that the Tigers
will not play Rutgers this fall for thc
first time since 1869, when the two teams
invented the game. Thus ends the oldest
college football series in the world.

This looks like a black year for the
Brown team. Much depends on how
quickly new quarterback Hank Landers
masters his job. The sophomore contin-
gent, heavily laden with blue chippers,
should be able to help Landers out
With a little luck, the Bruins could be

(continued on page 174)

THE
MILKY WAY

looking for a brand-new bibbing kick? try getting creamed

drink By EMANUEL GREENBERG

the most wildly popular response to a new item in alcoholic-beverage

history. Prior to 1979, you couldn't buy a cream liqueur in the United
States; go back another few years, there was no such product anywhere. Baileys,
the original cream liqueur, was unleashed in Dublin in late 1974. Today, there are
upwards of 40 brands available—with more creams still to rise.

“New product” is often Madison Avenue jargon for a different shade, shape
or size, but Baileys and subsequent creams are genuine breakthroughs, unlike
any other spirituous beverage. It's difficult to convey the precise quality of this
new liquor, but you could start with luscious, seductive, enticing—and go on from

AVE YOU BEEN creamed lately? If not, chances are you will be soon, be-
cause cream liqueurs are catching on like crazy. Seasoned observers call it

167

PLAYBOY

168

there. The primary ingredients in Bai-
leys and other leading cream liqueurs are
fresh dairy cream, whiskey and spirits.
Nothing extraordinary there. The chal-
lenge is to combine those normally
antagonistic elements into a harmonious
entity that will remain stable under
market conditions. And despite some
early problems with shelf life, our Irish
friends pulled it off. Lift a cream to your
lips; your first impression is the pleasant
sting of alcohol, followed by the velvety
texture of rich cream. Stabilizers are
added to prevent separation.

Although all cream liqueurs follow
this basic format, the individual prod-
ucts are certainly not clones of one an-
other—varying in flavor, spirit type,
proof, viscosity and tactile appeal. Bai-
leys is essentially chocolate; Carolans is
honeyed; Dunphy's—produced here but
with Irish spirits—is vanillalike. Other
cream liqueurs available here are hazel-
nutflavored Alpen Cream (Austria), Ve-
netian Cream (Italy), Conticream and
Baitz Island Cream (Australia), Green-

sleeves (England), O'Darby (unmistak-
ably Irish), plus two more from
Ireland—Emmets and Waterford—due
any minute. Prices range from about $9
to $14.

While cream liqueurs are not fragile,
they demand considerate handling.
Don't expose them to extremes of tem-
perature and refrigerate opened bottles.
They're lovely poured from the bottle—
chilled or at room temperature, splashed
over ice and in the drinks that follow.

BANANA DREAM.

2 ozs. cream liqueur, chilled

у oz. light rum

1 tablespoon banana liqueur

Ys small ripe banana, diced

Y4 cup crushed ісе

Thick slice banana for garnish

Prechill blender container. Add all
ingredients except garnish. Buzz at full
speed until smooth. Pour into chilled
large wineglas. Hang banana slice on
rim of glass or spear with pick and lay
across mouth of glass. For touch of color,

“We're still deadlocked. One person's
misguided conscience is keeping us from our loved ones
and the Ewings.”

roll rim of banana in grenadine and
lightly sprinkle cinnamon on dr

BLACK IRISH

Black coffee, hot

Irish cream liqueur

Sugar, to taste

Shaved bittersweet chocolate

Pour coffee into cup or mug. Add
about 1 oz. cream liqueur. Stir and taste.
Add sugar, if you like, and bit more
liqueur—if desired. Stir again; garnish
with shaved chocolate.

FINNEGAN'S FIZZ

2-3 ozs. cream liqueur, chilled

2 ozs. club soda or seltzer. chilled

Chuck a few ice cubes into chilled
8-oz. highball glass. Pour in cream li-
queur. Add splash club soda; stir well.
Add remaining soda and stir quickly.
туе with straws.

CREAM 'N’ BITTERS

This is simply cream liqueur with
extra flavor accent. Shake 2 or 3 dashes
aromatic bitters or orange bitters into
chilled roly-poly glass. Rotate around in-
side of glass. Add light splash cream
queur and stir until well mixed. Pour in
more cream liqueur, to your pleasure—2
to 3 ozs. in all. Stir again. This can ac-
commodate an ice cube, if you want it,
but the flavor is truer without the ice.

HALF AND HALF
11 ozs. cream liqueur

Shake cream and coffee liqueurs bri:
ly with ice. Strain into chilled cocktail
glass. Sprinkle lightly with cinnamon.

Note: Other liqueurs, such as triple
sec, amaretto, Frangelico, crème de ca-
cao, Irish Mist and Drambuie, may be
substituted for the coffee liqueur.

SIDEWINDER

A very smooth but rather potent drink
that sneaks up on you. So watch it!

2 ozs. cream liqueur

% oz gin

% oz. triple sec

Melon ball, strawberry,

cube

Shake liquid ingredients briskly with
ice. Strain. into chilled old fashioned
glass over fresh ice cube. Thread fruit on
bamboo skewer and place in glass, fruit
end up.

pineapple

SOUTHERN CREAM
2 ozs. cream liqueur

Shake cream liqueur and bourbon
briskly with ice cubes. Pour unstrained
into chilled, footed goblet or tumbler.
Pour in splash cola; stir well. Add more
cola, to taste; stir quickly. Sip slowly.

Regular 100s, Menthol 100s: 5 mg. "tar,"
0.6 mg. nicotine, av. per cigarette by ЕТС method.

Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health.

V Because I AM A `
CATHOLIC SUNKIE РОЕТ.

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PLAYBOY

PIGSKIN PREVIEW

(continued from page 166)

" Minnesota has an opportunity to displace Ohio
State in the Big Ten's big two."

а dramatically
December.

improved bunch by

THE MIDWEST

BiG TEN

10-1 Iowa
1-4 — Michigan State $8
]-4 Wisconsin 4-7
6-5 Minois 4-7
5-6 Northwestern 2-9
MID-AMERICAN CONFERENCE
Ball State 65
Bowling Green En
Miami

8-3 Ohio University 26
Western. Kent State 4-7

Michigan 7-4 Eastern

Toledo 6-5 Michigan 2-9

1МОЕРЕМОЕМТЅ
8-3 Cincinnati
8-3

Michigan
Ohio State
Minnesota
Purdue
Indiana

Central
Michigan

Northern.
Minois

8—3

Notre Dame 5-6

Lovisville

TOP PLAYERS: Carter, Becker, Muransky,
Paris, Woolfolk (Michigan); Schlichter,
Marek, Lukens (Ohio State); Dallafior, Robb
(Minnesota); Anderson,

Stephenson,

Michigan); Gibbons, Chelovich (Northern
Illinois); Morrow, Hughes (Western Mich
igan); Kennedy, Kelso (Toledo); Warlaumont,
lelson (Ball State); Taylor, C. Jones (Bowl
ing Green); Treadwell, Jones (Miami); Shon,
Komar (Ohio University); Grandjean, Hedder-
ly (Kent State); Calhoun, Price (Eastern
Michigan; Crable, Hunter, Oliver, Carter
(Notre Dame); Craft, Williams (Louisville);
Yli-Renko, Bettis (Cincinnati).

Michigan looks to us like the team
| the best chance to win this year's
national championship. The only ques-
tion mark appears to be at quarterback,
but at least four candidates competed in
preseason drills. If a competent passer
gets the job, Playboy All-America re-
ceiver Anthony Carter will again be one
of the country’s top big-play sp is.
The Wolverines’ major asset is an offen-
line (featuring Playboy All-Amer-
Ed Muransky and Kurt Becker) that
the cnvy of many pro teams, The
running corps, led by Butch Woolfolk,
should have a sterling year. The defen-
sive unit will be much sturdier than a
year ago. In short, the Wolverines have
ip to make this a joyful season
nn Arbor.

Ohio State—believe it or not—will
not be deep enough. The offensive line

is the most critical arca. It was just
ordinary a year ago and may not even
be that good this time. Nevertheless,

most of the skill positions still are

174 manned by quality players. Art Schlichter

is the best quarterback in Buckeye his-
tory, and receivers Gary Williams and
Tim Spencer are among the nation's
best. Coach Earle Bruce had a good re-
ng season. Many of the second-
team personnel will be freshmen, so
critical injuries could be devastating.

The Minnesota Golden Gophers,
much stronger than last year’s edition,
have an opportunity to displace Ohio
State in the Big Ten’s big two. The
Gophers must find fresh talent for the
receiving and running-back corps, but
some freshmen and some junior college
transfers will provide most of the needed
help. If those two problems are solved,
the offense will be fearsome. And the
defense, led by roverback Mike Robb,
will be superb. In short, all the ingredi-
ents are there to make this a good season
to feast on Minnesota's 100th year of
college football.

The big question in West Lafayette
as the season opens is who will be next
in Purdue's traditional line of great
quarterbacks. The а
prize recruit Jim Ev ry
Gates or Scott Campbell will likely fill
the job as the season begins. The Boiler-
makers will again be in the thick of the
title race, despite losing some key seniors,
ks to the arrival of a qua
tingent of junior college transfers. They
will be of greatest help in the offensive
line and at linebacker. Another prime
new linebacker will be Roosevelt Barnes,
a three-year letterman for Purdue's high-
ly ranked basketball team.

Few teams are such unknown quan-
tities as Indiana. Although graduation
decimated the offense, some excellent re-
placements are on hand. Transfer Duane
Gunn is a receiver with a can'tmiss tag.
Chad Huck seems to have the quarter-
back position sewn up, but transfer Babe
Laufenberg could be one of the season's
big surprises. So, too, could soph tai
back Johnnie Salters. The Hoosier de-
fense will be vastly improved, though
it will probably have to do without de-
fensive back Tim Wilbur (by far thc
best in the country) who may have an
impossible number of course credits to
make up, as we discovered two weeks
alter we took his picture for the Playboy
All-Amcrica team. C'est la vic!

lowa also has a sleeper quarterback
(Gordy Bohannon, who was redshirt
last season) who could be one of this
autumn’s revelations. The defensive side,
returning ne; intact, can terrorize
opponents. The early-season nonconfer-
ence dates (Nebraska, Iowa State and
UCLA) are a nightmare, however, and

may take the punch out of the Hawkeyes.

Michigan State is at last returning to
normality. The Spartans’ air attack, with
all key participants returning, will be
dynamite. The ground game, led by run-

Derek Hughes and newcomers
‘on Roberts and Lance Hawkins, will
be much more powerful. Team speed is
the best in several years. The big prob-
lem is that the talent in both lines is
suspect.

Wisconsin coach Dave McClain spent
spring practice trying to rejuvenate a
Haccid offense that failed to score a
touchdown in six games last fall. The
offensive line will be deep and ma
ture and the running attack will again
be adequate, so the Badgers should score
more points this season.

The Illinois athletic program has
been Disaster City in recent months,
and what effect the Big Ten's attempt
to impose ridiculously severe sanctions
against the Illini will have on the up-
coming football year is anyone's guess.
Psychologically, it could be either crip-
pling or exhilarating. Best hope lies
the advent of more than 20 gem-quality
junior college transfers garnered by
coach Mike White. Best of the group
are back Darryl Smith and pass catcher
Oliver Williams.

Northwestern is starting all over once
again—this time with a new coaching
staff headed by Dennis Green. The ath-
letic program has been disgracefully neg-
lected by university bigwigs for many
years now, and it will take many more
years and lots of moncy and hard work
to make the Wildcats competitive in the
Big Ten. This year's squad is (as usual)
painfully thin, though a good harvest of
recruits may bring much-needed help.

Central Michigan will again win the
Mid-American Conference champion-
ship. The Chippewas are deep and have
the strong leadership of 22 senior letter-
men. If quarterback Stephen Jones con-
tinues to mature, he will provide a
multidimensional attack that will drive
opposing defensive coordinators batty.

Coach Bill Mallory has turned the
Northern Illinois football program
around in only one year and there is
nothing but optimism in DeKalb about
the coming season. A solid group of re-
turnees is joined by a promising con-
tingent of freshmen. But injuries could
be disastrous in several in which
the squad is previously thin.

Western Michigan will also challenge
for the conference title. The passing
attack will be much better, but a lot will
depend on whether or not a dependable
fullback can be turned up.

Last year’s injury epidemic gave To-
ledo’s young players much battle harden-
ing that will pay dividends this fall. The
defense, led by strong safety Mike Ken-
nedy, will be one of the league's best
Quarterback Jim Kelso, playing behind
a veteran offensive wall, is likely to

ner

а rush hour.”

BY ANHEUSER-BUSCH. INC. + ST LOUIS;MQ.* SINCE 1896

PLAYBOY

176

become one of the best in school history.
The major problem at Ball State will

be finding a new quarterback. Either of
two promising freshmen, Neil Britt or
Jerry Eakle, should nail down the job

by midseason.

The cumulative effect of three good

recruiting years will become apparent at
Bowling Green this autumn. The Fal-
cons will still be young, especially in the
offensive line, where maturity is so im-
portant; but they should rapidly improve
the season progresses.
Last fall the Miami Redskins suffered
only their second losing season since
1943. This ycar coach Tom Reed has in-
stalled the powerI formation to better
exploit the talents of several good run-
ners. The receivers will be excellent,
also, but a take-charge quarterback must
be found in summer drills. Leadership
may be a problem—only five seniors
will make the traveling squad.

Ohio University suffered depletion in
both lines, so this year’s fortunes depend
largely оп how the replacements come
through. Diminutive quarterback Sam
Shon will become one of the school's
all-time best if he gets adequate protec-
tion and avoids getting hurt.

New Kent State coach Ed Chlebek, an
offensive specialist, will concentrate on
putting a lot of points on the score-
board. A brilliant group of freshmen,
including four promising quarterbacks,
is so talented that only three of the 11
returning offensive starters are assured

of keeping their jobs.

A fine crop of recruits will help East-
ern Michigan in its long climb to con-
ference competitiveness. Best of the
newcomers is junior college quarterback
J. Е. Green, a running specialist. If last
year's injury plague isn't repeated, the
Hurons could pull off some startling
upsets.

Last year a magnificent Notre Dame
defense held the fort while a young of
fensive platoon (including a freshman
quarterback) matured. ‘This fall the de-
fense will be even stronger and the
attack unit not only will be older but
will profit from a new system that will
be more versatile. The biggest intangi-
ble in South Bend is new coach Gerry
Faust. He seems to have all personal and
professional prerequisites for greatness,
but moving Irom a high school coaching
job to the most prestigious college posi-
tion in the country could be a difficult
transition. College players аге vastly
more mature and independent than high
school kids. During spring practice,
Faust upbraided one of his quarterbacks
for saying "Oh, shit!" when a pass went
astray. That kind of coaching may not
sit well with 21- and 22-ycar-olds. Also,
the intense glare of the limelight that
limns the life of a Notre Dame coach
and the intense personal pressures that
go with the job can be overwhelming at
times, Faust is a great motivator, how-
ever, and with all the power he has
lable, this could be one of the great-

“You represent the fulfillment of my only remaining
ambition, Miss Simon—a big finish.”

est Irish teams ever. The prime obstacle
is the opposition. Unlike the Mickey
Mouse schedules of recent years, this one
includes at least seven biggies.

Most college teams would be disap-
pointed with a 5-6 finish, but for last
year's extremely young Louisville team,
it was a wild success. With 49 lettermen
returning, Cardinal fans are having pre-
season fantasies about a post-season bowl

bid. The Cards’ defensive backfield will

be one of the best in the country.
Cincinnati will also be much stronger

because of accrued experience. Another

plus will be the renewed enthusiasm in
stilled by new coach Mike Gottiried,
who has 2 reputation for reviving coma-

This will be a banner year at Florida.
‘The turnaround last season was one of
the most dramatic in memory, and over-
all ability is even better this year. The
defense, led by Playboy All-America
tackle David Galloway, will be awesome.
Sophomore quarterback Wayne Peace
could become the best anywhere before
he graduates. Coach Charley Pell has
done a nearly miraculous job of resur-
recting Florida's football fortunes in
only two years, and in recognition of
that accomplishment, we have named
him Playboy's Coach of the Year.

Alabama suffered what would be crip-
pling graduation losses for almost any
other team in the county. But don't
weep for Bear Bryant—he has such a
stock pile of waiting talent that this
"Tide could easily roll to another nation-
l championship. The offense will be
more forceful (backfield speed is the best
in decades) if a consistent arm can be
found among several promising quarter-
back candidates. The defensive platoon,
led by Playboy All-America defensive
back Jim Bob Harris, will be as salty
as ever, Look for freshman punter Terry
Sanders to be an immediate star.

Lou à State had a much better
season in 1980 than anyone but the most
ardent Tiger supporters thought pos-
sible. Most of the credit goes to coach
Jerry Stovall, who took over at LSU
under the most trying of circumstances.
With a year for the coaching staff and
players to become acclimated to one
another, and with 15 returning starters
and with what is the best group of re-
cruits in more than 20 years, the Tigers
will be roaring. The schedule, however,

tackles, Bill Elko and Dean Guidry, were
sensations during spring practice and
should help make the Bengal defense
nearly impregnable.

Emory Bellard has done almost as
pressive a job at Mississippi State. The
Bulldogs sneaked up on a lot of іпацеп-
tive teams last fall but won't have that

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PLAYBOY

178

advantage this time. Elusive quarterback
John Bond, a master of the triple op-
tion, was a freshman sensation r
ago and will now be even better. If
adequate depth can be found for the
line in front of him, and if the Bulldogs
can avoid complacency, they could be a
top-ten te;

Coach Johnny }
ec at Tennessee is progressing—slowly.
The Vols are still looking for stability
behind the center. Quarterback Steve
Alatorre was in command as spring
tice ended. He will, fortunately,
have first-rate receivers, but his offensive
line is questional:
tackle Reggie White looks like a future
All-America.

Ole Miss will be much stronger, I
ly because last year’s extremely you

defense has done a lot of growing up.
Stellar quarterback John Fourcade and a
talented group of targets, the best of

whom is Breck Tyler, wi
Rebels a potent aerial circus.

There will be both quality
tity in Kentucky's skilled p
season, but almost everything else
. The offense
and a fine stable of ru
backs is available; but if inji
frequent, the Wildcats м
Gigantic fre:
provide
trenches.

Despite

give the

be in trouble.
n Doug Williams will
e help in the offensive

of sen al
runner Herschel
this looks like an off year for
Graduation brought erosion,

the
All-Ame

return

and the clement of surpri impor-
ant a year ago—will be missing. Coach
Vince Dooley must find both a place
kicker and a dependable backup for field
general Buck Belue and must rebuild
the secondary. In short, the Bulldogs
will have to spend a year regrouping.

Vanderbilt will be stronger this year,
but the schedule, as ays. is out of
sight. The Commodores can be very ex-
citing when they have the ball. Two
good quarterbacks (Whit Taylor and
V Heflin) are available and the of-
tensive line, led by guard Ken Ham-
mond. will be steadfast.

This will be a star
bottom effort for Auburn.
Pat Dye has imparted intensity and
spirit to his charges, but the talent cup-
board is m bare. The War Eagles
will probably win some games on guts
and determination alone, but Dye wi
need а few good гест
turn Auburn to its once
tion. їз an assistant coach, “W
have a bunch of no-names pl:
cious football, but give us tin
get the job done.”

From top to bottom, the Atla
Coast Conference will be the most i
proved league in the country. More than
half the teams have a good chance to
win bowl invitations. They'll spend the
autumn knocking one another off, so
who wins the conference may be mostly
a matter of luck.

North Carolina seems to have the best
chance to survive. The Tar Heel offen-
sive platoon will be more potent tha

-powerful posi

Il just
ng hella-
nd we'll

tic

"Damn it, Helen, can't you leave the vibrator
off until the movie is over?"

а year ago.
quarterback Rod Elk
the best at their pos

THE SOUTH
SOUTHEASTERN CONFERENCE

Florida 9-2 Mississippi 6-5
Alabama 9-2 Kentucky 6-5
Louisiana State 8-3 Georgia 47
Mississippi Vanderbilt 3-8

State 8-3 Аит 2-9
Tennessee. 65

ATLANTIC COAST CONFERENCE

North Carolina 9-2 — Duke 6-5
Clemson 7-3 Maryland 5-6
North Carolina Маке Forest 4-7

State. 7-4 Virginia 38
Georgia Tech 7-4

SOUTHERN CONFERENCE

Furman 8-3 Virginia
The Citadel 8-3 Military 4-6
Chattanooga 6-5 Marshall 4-7
Western. Appalachian

Carolina 6-5 State. 47
East Tennessee 5-6

INDEPENDENTS

Virginia Tech 8-3 Florida State 65
Southern East Carolina 6-5

Mississippi 8-3 Richmond 5-5
Miami 7-4 William & Mary 5-6
South Carolina 8—4 Memphis State 2-9
Tulane TA

TOP PLAYERS. Galloway, Peace, Clark,
Young (Florida); Harris, Wilcox, Lyles, Boyd
(Alabama); Risher, Gambrell, Dardar, Britt
(Louisiana State); Cooks, Bond (Mississippi
State); White, Cofer, North, Hancock (Ten:
nessee); Fourcade, Otis (Mississippi); Field-
er, Campbell (Kentucky); Walker, Bel
Payne, Weaver (Georgia); Hammond, Не!
Arold (Vanderbilt); Uecker, Harris (Auburr
Bryant, Nicholson (North Carolina); Tuttle,
Nenney, Davis (Clemson); Abraham, Quick,
Koehne, Williams (North Carolina State);
Kelley, Lutz (Georgia Tech); Tabron, Bennett.
(Duke); Wysocki, Tice (Maryland); Duckett,
Baldinger (Wake Forest); Anderson, Chester
(Virginia); Anderson, Gheesling (Furman);
Pipczynski, Walker (The Citadel); Woods,
Rouse (Chattanooga); Dorsey, McGill (West-
етт Carolina); Ferrell, Patterson (East Ten-
nessee); Allen, Beckham (Virginia Military);
Orr, Liebe (Marshall); Medlin, Wilson (Ap-
palachian State); Brown, Lawrence (Virginia
Tech); Collier, Tillman (Southern Missis-
sippi); Williams, Сапа, Marion, Kelly, Nico-
las (Miami); Provence, Slaughter (South
Carolina); Holman, Robinson (Tulane); Stark,
Brannon (Florida State); Robbins, Wiley
(East Carolina); Redden, Seale (Richmond);
Cannon, Garrity (William & Mary); Adams,
Williams (Mem

but the

crew is ferocious.
a fails, either Clem-

h Caroli

son or Ne
ing im the wings. The entire Clemson
offensive unit returns and g ro ma-
turity should prev

Tuttle will be onc of the na
passing duos. ]е Davis, a savage line-
backer, is the emotional sparkplug of a
defensive unit that is expected 10

improve as the season progresses.

North Carolina State will be a good
bet, because the squad will be both deep-
er and older. Coach Monte Kiffin has
switched to the | formation to make
better available skills апа to
capitalize on the play-action passing of

use of

Tol Avery, whose cfliciency increased
dramatically during spring drills. Kilfin
recruited several blue-chip runners, blu-

est of whom is Joe McIntosh. This sea.
son's fortunes depend largely оп how
well the defensive tackles perform. The
linebackers, led by Playboy All-America
Robert Abraham, are devastating.

Georgia Tech will field one of the
most strengthened teams in the nation
The Jackets play the same brutal sched-
ule, but 17 starters return and last year's
rash of injuries probably won't be re-
peated. Nimble quarterback. Mike Kelley
will be challenged for his job by transfer
Jim Bob Taylor. Another newcomer,
Robert Layette, will add quickness to
the backfield. David Lutz will be one
of the best offensive tackles in the A.C.C.

Duke will also be a team worth notic
ing. The pro passing attack installed by
olfensive coordinator (and former Heis:
man Trophy winner) Steve Spurrier last
season was a striking success. Soph quar-
terback Ben Bennett and his corps of
pass catchers are among the best in the
South. If freshman runners Mike Atkin-
son and Julius Grantham can provide
badly needed brez the Bl
Devils will raise hell on offense. The
key to the season, however, will be how
much the defenders improve—they were
wful last. year. Some talented freshmen
and extra muscle added during an olf-
season weight program should help.

Maryland lost most of its starters to
graduation, but by midseason the Terps
will be back to full strength. Some new
wrinkles have been added to the attack,
which was less than spectacular а year
ago. The Terp coaches spent the winter
getting some pointers from the Wash
ington Redskins offensive stall.

Ila solid starting quarterback emerges
(David Webber is the top prospect for
the job), the Wake Forest team will be
as good as last year's edition. Trouble is,
the conference competition will be a lot
stiffer. The Deacons’ receiving corps. led
by Kenny Duckett, is top grade, so look
for Wake Forest to be a passing team
again.

Virginia's suceess—or lack
will be decided largely by how well the
restructured offensive line holds up. The
Cavalier defenders will be the best in
many y ackle Stuart Ander-
son has been switched to linebacker and
should be Look for
back Quentin Walker to make a big

kaway threat

thereof —

ars; former

a terror. runnin

splash.

Prospects are bright at Furman, The
offensive platoon returns nearly intact,
the passing game will be improved and

last ycar's freshman running sensation,
Stanford Jennings. should be better than
ever

The Citadel will again have a potent
attack, led by tailback Danny Miller
But the strength of the Bulldog squad
will be the defensive team, which re-
turns nearly unchanged.

Ch: we one of the bet-
ter teams in the Southern Conference,
but the nonconference schedule may pre-
dude an impressive wondost record.
Graduation took a serious toll, so much
rebuilding remains to be done, especially
in the offensive front wall, If the young-
sters come through, the Moccasins could
again take the title.

1nooga will ha

Western Carolina, East Tennessee and
Marshall will be the most upgraded
teams in the Southern Conference, but
all three have a long way to go. Western
Carolina's anemic running attack will
be invigorated by the arrival of. Melvin
Dorsey. а wansfer from Georgia, who
was at smash in spring practice

East Tennessee's quarterback problem
will be solved by the return of Donnie
Ruis, but the defensive line will be a
problem. Some immediate help will
come from a busload of recruits.

If Virginia Military can solve its quar-
terback problem (five recruits will vie
for the position), the Keydets will be
respectable. Floyd Allen is one of the

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PLAYBOY

180

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The Marshall team has never won a
Southern. Conference its four
years in the league, but the jinx should
be broken this season. The limp offense
will be fümed up by added depth
brought in by a promising group of
freshmen and junior college transfers.

After two y ing-ho throwing
team, Appalachi
its traditional grou
reasons are the presence of the best fleet
of running backs in school history and
the graduation of last year's entire pass
ing attack.

The administration at. Virginia Tech
made à commitment in 1978 to make
the school a leading football powe
the construction job done by coach Bill
Dooley is right on. schedule. For three
years, Dooley has made а nearly com-
plete sweep of top high school talent in
the state of Virginia. Опе of this year's
native recruits, tackle Bruce Smith.
should be a starter and could become
star. The Tech schedule is tough, but
the outlook for the immediate future—
like this very fall—is quite bright

Southern Mississippi football
npion of the state in 1980, much to
the embarrassment of Ole Miss and Mis.
Eagles will be an even

game in

тз as a g
n State will revert to
«Loriented style. The

жаз

sissippi State, The
tougher band this year, but the surprise
will be missing and the schedule
is an obstacle course. Quarterback К

facte

Collier shows signs of maturing into
а superb passer, so look for the
to throw the ball much more than in
recent y
how quickly the new offensive line jells.
Although. Miami will be stronger, it's
unlikely that any other
country faces such a nightmarish sched-
ule—the Hurricanes could be among the
nation’s ten best teams and still not
have a sparkling won-lost record. The
defense will again be frightening.
hoy All-America Williams
may be the best defensive tackle in the
nation. With a little luck (and with such
am impressive schedule), the Hurricanes
could be a dark-horse contender for the

Eagles

ars. The season revolves around

team in the

Lester

national title

The question South
"How can our
survive the loss of Heisman T rophy win
ner George Rogers?” The answer is,
“Not very well at first". The offensive
unit will be young, but quality players
abound, so the attack could be as strong
as ever by midseason. The offense will
bc more versatile and more air-minded
than in recent The defense
will again be unyielding

Graduation played havoc with both of
Tulane lines. so this season's fortunes
depend on how the young trenchmen do
their jobs. The Greenies will be а pass-
ing team, because their receivers. arc
gilted (light end Rodney Holman is
one of the best in tbe country)

Carolina fans arc

asking is. Gamecocks

seasons.

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PLAYBOY

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quarterback Paul Catanese has immense
potential. Coach Vince Gibson had an-
other excellent recruiting year, so look
for Tulane to be à major power soon
Losses to graduation will prevent the
198) Florida State team from duplicat

ing last year’s excellent record. The
wort casualties were in the defensive
platoon, where only one starter re-

turns. Further clouding the outlook is
the schedule, The Seminoles play Ne-
braska, Ohio State, Notre Dame, Pitts-
burgh and LSU in succesion—on the
road

Last fall East Carolina suffered. its
first losing scason since 1971, mostly be-
cause of the overwhelming injuries. This

will be
and a
instant help at key positions. The Pirates
will have
units in the country

Richmond will continue its resu
irom уе;
At least part of the success story is due
to coach Dal Shealy's innovative tactics
(the offensive linemen, for example: are
spread at least a yard from each other)
This year's star will be Barry Redden,
onc of college football's better runneis.

Although. William & Mary will be a
ted team, it will be
much stronger than a year ago. Quarter
back Chris Garrity will be superb if he
ets a little protection,
Memphis State bi
rebuilding project under new coach Rex
Dockery. The prospects for this season
are rather bleak, because the sq
extremely young and talent is sj
Dockery had an excellent recruiting
ycar, though.

a much more experienced squad
good recruiting class will bring

one of the fastest defensive

a winless season two

sophomore-domir

ns an ambitious

е
Oklahoma in will be a contender
for the mythical national title. The

Sooner offense, always potent, will be
more so this fall, because the line is
loaded with quality and depth. The only
possible problems are the absence ol a
proven tight end and the failure of any
one to take command of the quarterback
post in spring practice. The stopper
unit, featuring Playboy All-America
delensive back Darrell Songy, will be
the usual quick, tough and mean group.
The schedule features Southern Califor
nia and Texas in the first four games,
and that could pose а problem—the
Sooner wishbone attack is notoriously
slow starting because of timing factors.

Coach Barry Swiver had a bountiful
recruiting year (so what else is new?)
and several freshmen will sec a lot of

playing time.
Nebraska's

sides of scrimım.

problem in the defensive arca. Fans will

istinc

players on both
will be of the usual
у. but depth could be а

severe

treated show when

the

to quite a
Cornhuskers have the ball. Roger С
should become one of the best runners
in Nebraska history and will be joined

by transfer back Mike Rozier, who could
also make some headlines if he picks up

the system quickly. Sophomore Turner
Gill has the tools to become the fastest
month of Saturdays. He will briny n е
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MISSOURI VALLEY CONFERENCE
Indiana State 7-4 Illinois State 4-6

Wichita State 7-4 West Texas
New Mexico State 47
State 74 Southern
Drake 6-5 Ilinois 47
Tulsa 5-6
INDEPENDENT

Worth Texas
State 6-5

TOP PLAYERS. Songy, Crouch, Key, S. Wil
son, Lewis (Oklahoma); Sins, Williams, Rim
ington, R. Craig (Nebraska); Crutchfield,
Giffords, К. Nelson (lowa State); K. Bell,
F. Seurer (Kansas); R. Young, Doerner (Okla
homa State); Edelman, Gibler (Missouri);
Wentling, Cokeley (Kansas State); Wood,
B. Thurston (Colorado); Fifer, Turner, Phea,
Donnie Love (Houston); Abercrombie, Mc
Elroy, C. Benson (Baylor); Tausch, Baab,
Sims, A. J. J. Jones (Texas); James, Lance
Ncllhenny, Armstrong (Southern Methodist);
Smith, Anderson (Arkansas); Hector, Baldwin
(Texas A & М); S. Washington, Stamp (Texas
Christian); Rivera, Reeves (Texas Tech);
Hubble, Fortune (Rice); Shaffer, Allen (In
diana State}; Mclunkins, Davis (Wichita
State); Watson, McAlister (New Mexico
State); А. Ware, Dunsmore (Drake); Purifoy,
К. Jackson (Tulsa) Hembrough, Office,
Camargo (Minois State); Keller, D. Clark
(West Texas State); D. Davis, Poole (South
ет Illinois); Harvey, English, Nance (North
Texas State)

Spirits are high in Ames, because Iowa

State will be a greatly improved team
and, with a little luck, could be а con-
tender for the Big Eight championship.
Star quarterback John Quinn has recov
етей from injury and will be backed by

promising newcomer Jon English, a
transfer from Michigan State. Р
All-America running back Dwayne
Crutchfield will benefit from the block-
ing of an ollensive line that is solid,
dependable and big. The delensive corps
will be even better than last year's
ed crew. Watch end James Ran-
som—he was devastating in spring drills.

The win-hungry young
dominated the 1980 Kansas team are

players who

PLAYBOY

184

joined this season by a group of top-
notch junior college transfers. A tough-
er, smarter, larger and faster team will
result. The added experience will be an
especially big help to last year's fresh-
men stars, back Kerwin Bell and
quarterback Frank Seurer. With added.
muscle in the line, the Jayhawk offense
will be explosive. The schedule will be
a help, too—seven games are at home.

The unbelievably bad luck that scut-
ued Oklahoma State's chances for success
last fall (the top three quarterbacks were
lost to various maladies) will likely not
recur. Top passer John Doerner has
recovered fully and will be backed by
some l-carat recruits. The entire Cow-
boys rookie crop, im fact, is mouth-water-
ing. A number of veterans may find
themselves sitting on the bench by the
end of the season, The Cowboys, smart-
ing from a disastrous 1980 scason, are
keeping a low profile: but with the tal-
ent on hand, look for them to bush-
whack some unsuspecting opponents.

So many of Missouri's best players
(induding 14 starters) went the diplo
route that it will be nearly impossible
for the Tigers to duplicate their success
of a year ago. Spring practice did not
produce mant starting quarte
back. so either of two freshmen, Chris
Erickson or Warren Seitz, could win the
job in preseason drills. The
line will be green and thin and will lean
heavily on the leadership of Playboy
All-America center Brad Edelman

Kansas State's biggest problem a year
ago was a band of undistinguished backs
running behind a youthful line. A year’s
tion will help the blockers and a

offensive

trio of runners (Mark Hundley, Kilisi-
тазі Toluao and losefatu Faraimo) will
take the heat off the passi

Prospects are as bleak as ever at
Colorado, and there is litle di
light at the end of the tunnel. The
problem that neither the university
administration nor the athletic director
really runs the football program. The
al powers are a few money-laden busi
ness bigwigs who pay many of the bill
call most of the shots and consider coach
Chuck Fairbanks their captive celebrity.
irbanks has finally come to grips with
and spends more time now re-
cruiting than socializing with board
chairmen. This spring's first-year class
is а good one, but its nearly barren
of instate blue chipper. Th 1,
the Bullalo offense will be remodeled
if а takecharge quarterback can be
found. The defense, dreadful last season,
will rem: so.

Lack of leadership was a first cause їп
Houston's disappointing 7-5 perform-
ance last Гай, This year the players are
hungry for victory and senior linebacker
Grady Turner is the most effective lead-
er the squad has had in many years.
Coach Bill Yeoman has made
changes in the point. producing
se opposing defenses have become
learned in how to shut down the veer
ttack. Yeoman has canceled most ol his
extracurricular activities to spend more
time preparing Гог the coming season
and has inlected his players with the
ame determination. АП will depend on
the two quarterbacks, Audrey McMillian
(who was superb in the spring game) and
Lionel Wilson. Transfer nose guard Ray

“The Food and Drug
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advise you of the side effects of our interest rates:
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Robinson (from UCLA) will be a big
help in holding foes to low numbers.

The Baylor team enjoyed its most

successful season in history last fall, and
there's enough speed and muscle left in
camp to duplicate that feat—with a
little luck, of course, The best backfield
in the conference returns intact, but
the loss of four starters from the offen-
e line could be

At Texas everything depends on
whether or not the coaching staff can
find a dependable quarterback in pre-
season drills. The Longhorns are so
deep, d experienced at every
other position that a banner season is
virtually ed if the primary problem
сап be solved. Playboy All-Americas
Terry Tausch and Kenneth Sims are the
golden nuggets in the two best lines in
the conference.

Graduation and defections have made
serious inroads in the Southern th-
odist squad, which will make it dificult
for the Mustangs to duplicate last fall's
uncommon 8-3 record. Returning a
quarterback Lance Mclhenny (a fresh-
man sensation last year) and one of the
nation's best running-back tandems,
Giaig James and Eric Dickerson. They
will be operating behind an entirely
new line of protection

The Arkansas team's Achilles’ hec!
could be its own offensive linc. The
starters are good ones, but the reserves
arc questionable and more than а cou-
ple of injuries in the front pits could
sc uouble. Gary Anderson, an im-
pressive runner, will carry the ball more
often this fall 1 be assisted by
transfer Jesse Clark, a 282-pounder who
is the power back the Razorbacks have
needed for so long. The new defensive
scheme should allow fewer points than
last year. Coach Lou Holtz says defen-
sive end Billy Ray Smith is the best
lineman he ever coached.

Texas A& M will be a much stronger
team, mostly because last season's large-
ly freshman-and-sopho
older. The emergence of q
terback Gary Kubiak in spring training
and the running skill of Johnny Hector
promise a balanced attack. The offensive
line will be strong and the receivers will
be first-class. Add to all this a solid
defense, and thi ше ith their best
club since 1975—could well be the con-
ference dark horse instead of the nag.

This m be the year when Te
Christian will at last enjoy a winning
football season. New speed and muscle
come [rom а squad of junior col
lege recruits. Five of the newcomers
won starting jobs in spring drills and
a couple of others will probably join
them before opening day. The Frogs lost
ames last fall in the last three

етей

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PLAYBOY

186

minutes, so the added manpower could
make a fundamental difference.

ew Texas Tech coach Jerry Moore
has scrapped the veer attack and in-
stalled the I formation. The change
should benefit veteran quarterback Ron
Reeves, who is a better passer than run-

пег. Reeves already owns a slew of
school records and this should be his
best year.

АЙП but seven of last year's Rice start-
ers have received their diplomas, so
coach Ray Alborn—for the first time
in school history—went out and reaped
a big harvest of junior college transfers.
Best of them is quarterback Michael
Calhoun. The transfers will also help
rebuild the depleted secondary.

As always, the qualities of the various
teams in the Missouri Valley will have
litle bearing on their relative won-lost
records because of the extreme difference
in schedule strength. Indiana State,
Wichita State and New Mexico State will
all field stronger teams. Tulsa, with th
best manpower in the league, faces а

some schedule.

ing crops im a row, has its best man-
power in a long time

The New Mexico State squad will
profit greatly from added maturity, es-
pecially on the defensive side, A good
crop of junior college transfers, best of
whom is runner Donald Stagg, will bring
much help.

Drake coach Chuck Shelton must find
a first-class quarterback and rebuild the
secondary if his Bulldogs are to ap-
proach last year’s success.

Tulsa has been defense-oriented for
the past couple of years, but this season
a big-play offense will сату the load.
The team will need to retai
close games until the holes in the
defensive unit are filled, or the Hurri-
canes will be blown away. A siloful of
recruits reported for pre-season practice.
Best of the lot is linebacker Daniel Wal-
lace, who should become an instant start-
A rugged nonconference slate will
likely prevent ап impressive wor-lost
record, but the Hurricane is still a good
r the M.V.C. championship.

Illinois State enters. Missouri Valley
Conference competition. with а new
ch (Bob Otolski). a favorable carly-
season schedule and ап outside chance
to post its first winning season since 1974.

The need for high-caliber linemen on
both sides of the line will prevent West
Texas State from winning often in 1981.

Southern Ilinois will have а more ex-
ive offense than in the past few
years, but most of the opposing teams

will forces, too, mal
victories harder to come by
Look for a strong resurgence at North

Texas State within the next couple of
years. New coach Bob Tyler is a walking
dynamo, a workaholic, one of the smart-
es coaches in the land and—most
nportant—a skilled and persuasive re

cruiter. The Mean Green will probably
show eye-opening progress this year. If
the young quarterbacks get their bearings

early, the passing will be spectacular,
because Tyler says his receivers are the
best he's ever been around. Flanker
Pete Harvey may have the best hands in
the country, Excessive injuries must be
oided, because the schedule is а back-
breaker.

THE FAR WEST
PACIFIC TEN

Washington 6-5
Washington

State 65
Arizona. 5-5
Oregon 8-3 California 47
Stanford 6-5 Oregon State 1-10

WESTERN ATHLETIC CONFERENCE

Brigham Young 11-1 — Wyoning 47
Utah 7-4 San Diego
Colorado State 7—5 State, 3-8
New Mexico 7-5 Texas-El Paso 3-8
Hawaii 5-6 Air Force 38

PACIFIC COAST CONFERENCE

San Jose State 7-4
Pacific 6-5
Utah State 5-6

Southern.

California.
Arizona State
UCLA

10-1
9-2
8-3

Long Beach

State 46
Fullerton State 4-7
Fresno State — 3-8

TOP PLAYERS: Banks, Foster, Allen, Brown-
er (Southern California); Richardson, Max-
well, Gittens (Arizona State); Wrightman,
Eatman, Carney (UCLA); R. Brown, Williams,
S. Brown, Cosgrove (Oregon); Nelson, El-
way, Tyler, Macaulay (Stanford); Stewart,
Jenkins, Nelson (Washington); Sorenson,
Blakeney (Washington State); Hunley, Fulcher
(Arizona); Dixon, Salem (California); Levasa,
Holmes (Oregon State); McMahon, Plater,
Oates, Pettis (Brigham Young); Clark, Camp-
bell (Utah; Augustine, Sheesley (Colorado
State); M. Carter, Parks (New Mexico);
Allen, Sapolu, Noga (Haw: Salley, P.
Davis (Wyoming; Kofler, Stablein (San
Diego State); Thompson, Benefield (Texas—
El Paso); Sundquist, Jackson (Air Force);
Willhite, Clarkson, Bailey (San Jose State);
Meszaros, Harmon (Pacific); Christensen,
Angell (Utah State); Settles, Schoonover
(Long Beach State); Burnett, Boswell (Ful
lerton State); Woods, Ellard (Fresno State).

Southern California will again be
strong contender for the national cham-
pionship. The Trojans’ offense, a disap-
pointment last year, will be much more
reliable. Three prime candidates аге
competing for the starting quai
spot, and the running game, featuring
tailback Marcus Allen. will be one of the
nation's best. Playboy All-Americ ү
Foster anchors the traditionally у
ollensive line, The defense, built around
Playboy All-America linet
Banks, will again be excellent if th
graduated st be replaced in the
secondary,

This is the second year for the new
coaching staff at Arizona State. With the

shakedown over, with more squad stabili-
ty and w 19 returning first-stringers,
the Sun De could be the most im-
proved team in the West. With better
running to go with a stil-excellent pass-
ing attack, ASU will be hard to stop.
The ground defense, last year's most
ing weakness, will be sturdier be-

only possible problem area is the second-

ary, but it will also be reinforced by
several junior college transfers, best of
whom is Duane Galloway.
The biggest change at UCLA this fall
will be a greatly expanded aerial capa-
bility. Incumbent quarterback Tom
Ramsey, despite his ample ability, could
be displaced by gem-quality sophomore
Steve Bono. The receiving crew, wii
Playboy All-America tight end Tim
human and stellar split end Cormac

Nelson, younger brother of $
fords Darrin Nelson, will be the newest
member of the Bruins’ traditional line
of terrific tailbacks. Playboy All-America
tackle Irv Eatman will be the fulcrum of
another formidable defensive uni

If all the variables fall into place, this
could be a watershed year for the Oregon
Ducks. There is depth at almost every
position. The addition of the Duck
only junior college recruit, tackle Mike
Gray, will make the defense as tough
s last year's. Reggie Brown and Vince
Williams head а willing and able rush-
ing corps. The schedule will also help—
the nonconference opponents are mostly
pushovers and the Ducks don't have to
play Southern California.

Stanford fans won't notice much differ-
ence in their team [rom that of a year
ago. The € offense will again be
the most high-powered on the West
Coast, but the defense will be shaky and
porous. Two Playboy All-Americas i
the Stanford backfield, quarterback John
Elway and runner Darrin Nelson, will
make the Cards a scoring threat every
time the ball is centered. Some recruits
who were prep superstars ought to help
stabilize the defensive unit by season's
end.

Washington's starting offensive unit
was demolished by 1081 graduation cere-
monies. A seasoned defense will have to
hold the fort while th g attack
crew gets its act together, Either Tim
Cowan or Steve Pelluer will be calling
the signals. The receivers, fortunately,
are top-grade

Washington States. offense will also
be almost completely refurbished. Clete
Casper has the tools to be the next in an
Cougars quarter-
backs, but by season's end he could be
displaced by freshman Mark Rypien, who
was widely touted as the top prep qu
rback in the nation last fı
‘Tim Harris could 1 the W

impressive series of

ashington

IT WAS AGREAT GAME, BUT
` IPSGOOD TO BE HOME.

Right now you are wishing you didn't
eat so many hot dogs and drink that last
can of beer. But you're home TOW. is

And right there, "d
between the cotton balls
and the bandages, you
find your Alka-Seltzer*

As you listen to the No wonder it's
familiar fizz of those America's Home Remedy.

ALKA-SELTZER. AMERICA'S HOME REMEDY.

T
"шш eS

your discomfort.
You know that for upset
stomach with headache,
nothing works better,
nothing is more soothing
than Alka-Seltzer.

PLAYBOY

188

te career rushing record this season.
The best news in Pullman is that the
defense, which has climbed from dread-
ful to merely bad the past two seasons,
will be much sturdier.

‘There is optimism at Arizona because
the Wildcats, though extremely young,
look capable and the schedule contains
а few well-spaced breathers. Half of the

positions could be filled by sopho-
mores. A big plus will be the fact that
coach Larry Smith and his staff have

been in Tucson a ycar and their systems
and methods are now familiar to the
player

California's starting units will also be
heavily populated with sophomores. Line-
acker Rich Dixon will be the only
senior starter. Nevertheless, this will bc
an enhanced Golden Bear effort. New
olfensive coordinator Darrell Davis has
installed attack called the Run and
Shoot. We'll have to wi nd see what
that means, but the Bears will reported-
ly fill the air w

The Oregon S
stronger in every area—which isn't a
difficult accomplishment in view of last
year's winless record. The best news
the defensive department, thanks to si
top-of-theline junior college t
Coach Joe Avezzano also recruited three
speed bu juice up the ground
attack. The Beavers are probably still a
couple of years away from a winning
season,

Brigham Young will have neither the
depth nor the experience of last year's
team, but there enough strapping
players in camp to assure another con-
ference championship. The BYU athletic
program is a first-class operation (though
it is generally overlooked in more popu-
lous areas of the country) and yearly
receives injections of new talent not only
from recruits but from church-mission

ansfers.

returnees. Although the offensive line

needs rebuilding, latter-day saint Jim
McMahon is back at quarterback and
Danny Plater will be there to catch
McMahon's bombs. Enough said.

A greatly improved defensive w
by tackle Steve Clark, will lead Utah to
a winning record this fall.

Colorado State will be an а
success il sophomore quarterback "Terry
Nugent even approaches his potential.

New Mexico w be the most
proved team in the Western Athletic
Conference. Fourteen of the 24 start-
ers return and most of the wounded have
recovered fully from last season's horren-
dous plague of injuries. Coach Joe
Morrison needs only one more good
recruiting year to make the Lobos prime
contenders for the W.A.C. title.

This will be an iffy year in Haw

The Rainbow Warriors enjoyed the
best season in the team's Division One
history last season, but graduation wiped
out the heart of the offense. With a
good group of runners and a promising
front line, the Rainbows will be keeping
the ball on the ground this fall.
ng faces the same old prob-
constant turnover of coaches.
с have been five head coaches in
amie since 1974. The seniors on this
m have played under three of them.
is 's mew coach is Al си,
ain the wishbone oflense,
Davis is a master at operat-
ing that attack. Even so, the defense and
the kicking game will be the squad's
strongest suits.
n Diego State will also have a new
coach, Doug Scovil, who will reinstate
the pass as the Aztecs’ prime weapon.
Last year’s major weakness, the offensive
line, will be beefed up by a half-dozen
outsized recruits.

Seven new assistant co

ches, ап influ:

“I love the way you scream when you come. You
sound like Luciano Pavarotti."

of junior college transfers and some
convalescents from last. year's
plague should make this a better season
for Texas-El Paso. The Miners hope
to provide some help for runner-receiver
Delbert Thompson, who was a oneanan
show a ye:

The Air Force team will benefit from
accrued maturity, but linemen will still
be scarce—270-pound tackles don't make
good fighter pilots. The search is on for
а new quarterback and new wide re-
ers among the incoming recruits.

As the season opens, San Jose State
appears to have a lock on the Pacific
Coast Conference championship. The
only uncertainty in the Spartans’ outlook
is the youthful. offensive line, but coach
Jack Elway recruited a contingent of
large junior college transfers as building
blocks. The offense should be speci
back Steve Clarkson has a
m а, ball ca 3 ld

candidate.

Pacific coach Bob Toledo is making
his third cllort at building a freshman-
oriented football program, a major de-
parture from the junior college uansfer
sis of other schools. As a result,
ic still suffers from extreme youth,
prospects are bright. This team

but
will be a contender for the conterence

championship, but the nonconference
schedule is brutal. Most of the key
offensive performers return, including
three excellent quarterbacks and re-
ceiver Rainey Meszaros, who caught
more passes for more yardage than any-
one else in the division last fall.

‘The Utah State passing attack
been little short of phenomenal
past couple of years, but most of the
leading actors in that aerial are
gone. Ergo, the Aggies will have to de-
pend on a trio of outstanding tailbacks
10 put points on the scoreboard. Both
lines will be staunch, though, and the
defense will be much improved.

It looks like a long year in Long
Beach unless a lot of unknown you
sters come through in
are 17 of last year's starters, ten of whom
were good enough to get pro contracts.
The new quarterback will likely be
Paul Gagliardi. Ron Settles will be one
of the better runners on the West Coast
if he can stay healthy.

Fullerton State faces the toughest
schedule in school history. Complicating
matters will be a very green defense and
a new recruiting strategy aimed, like
cific’s, at garnering freshmen rather than
more mature junior college transfers.

Fresno State coach Jim Sweeney will
try to cure last season’s lack of scoring
punch by juicing up his pro-style “throw
t" offense with a much stronger run-
ning attack featuring Steve Woods.

has
the

show

big way. Missi

"You can feel it when you drive

99
ө

BRIDGESTONE
SUPERFILLER
RADIALS.

The Bridgestone Tire
Company announces new
SuperFiller steel-belted
radial tires.

Bridgestone's advance-
ments in tire technology have
resulted in a radial tire
that gives you premium
performance.

"I can feel new Bridge-
stone SuperFiller radials
when I stop, start or corner...
when I drive"

Bridgestone SuperFiller con-
struction allows these three

rates. There is a very stiff

The Bridgestone Super- | SuperFiller bead area, a
Filler radial tire is built with | flexible sidewall for comfort

two steel belts for strength,
X | cord body,

|| hard rubber | | with an
insert in the |] aggressive
| bead area tread pattern designed for
J near the rim. | long wear.
This is SuperFiller, the key ‘Tm certainly not the first
to our performance. to tell you that the grip is
Thinkofthethreeareas | important when you drive.”
of a tire (the bead, the side- Freeway or fairway, on the

wall, and the tread) as springs. | roads or in the rough, grip is

areas to have different spring

Bridgestone
SuperFiller
radials are
designed for a
big footprint
and an even
pressured, sure footed grip
on the road, with a minimum
of heat generating “squirm”
that ages tires.

“Put the advanced tech-
nology of Bridgestone Super-
Filler radials between you
and the road. You can feel it
when you drive”

Check the Yellow Pages
for the Bridgestone dealer
near you.

Put Bridgestone between you and the road.

BRIDGESTONE

PLAYBOY

190 misery. The

[дит 5 RH ТАГО EE)

"Standing there with her bathing suit slightly awry,
she tugs it straight and blushes.”

go screw himself instead of driving every
weekend to the Jersey shore.”

"Ronnie, Harry's trying to tell а
story,” Thelma says.

“Tt hardly seems worth it," he says,
enjoying now the prolonged focus on
him, the comedy of delay. Sunshine on
the mountain. The second gin is perco-
lating through his system and elevating
his spirits. He loves this crowd, his
crowd, and the crowds at the other ta-
bles, too, that are free to send delegates
over and mingle with theirs, ev
knowing everybody else, and the
the pool, that somebody would save even
if that c -colored lifeguard-girl
weren't on duty, and loves the fact that
this is all on credit, the club not taking
its bite until the tenth of every month.

Now they coax him. “Come on, Harry,
don't be a prick,” Buddy's girl says. She's
using his name now, he has to find hers.
Gretchen. Ginger. Maybe those aren't
actually pimples on her thighs, just a
rash from chocolate or poison oak. She
looks allergic, that slightly pushed-in
face. Defects come in clusters

So this doctor he concedes, "is
hauled into court for killing a goose on
the course with a golf club."

‘What club?” Ronnie asks.

"I knew you'd ask that," Н:
“IE not you, some other jerk.”

T'd think a sand wedge," Buddy says,
"right at the throat. 'D clip the head
right off."

y says.

“Too short in the handle you
couldn't get close enough," Ronni
argues. He squints as if to judge a di

tance. “I'd say a five ог even an easy
four would be the right stick. Hey, Har-
ry, how about that five-iron I put wit
imme on the fifteenth from way out
on the other side of the sand trap? In
deep rough, yet.”
“You nudged it," H
Heh
“I saw you nudge the |
yourself a lie.
"Lets get this straigh
Т cheated."
"Something like that."
“Lets hear the story, Harry,” Webb.
Murkett says, lighting another
to dramatize his patience.
inger was in the ball park. Thelma
rrison is staring at him through big
brown sunglasses tinted darker at the
top like a windshield. "So the doctor's
defense evidently was that he
the goose with a golf ball and injured it
badly enough he had to put it out of its
this announcer said, it

Ty says.

П up to give

Yow're saying

seemed cute at the ti

“Wait a minute, sweetie, I don't un-
derstand,” Janice says. "You mean he
threw а golf ball at this goose?

“Oh, my God," Rabbit says, "am I
ever sorry I got started on this. Let's go
home."

"Ко, tell me,” Janice says, looking
panicked.

“He didn't throw the ball, the goose
was on the fairway probably by some
pond and the guy's drive or whatever it

سن

nked it,” Buddy offers.

His nameless girlfriend looks around
and in that fake little-girl voice asks,
“Are geese allowed on golf courses? I
mcan, that may be stupid, Buddy's the
first golfer I've gone out with-

“You call thal а goller?
terrupts.

Buddy tells them, “I've read some-
where about a course in Alaska whi
these caribou wander. Maybe
Sweden.

Ronnie in-

it's

"Ive heard of moose on courses in

Maine," Webb Murkett says. Lowering
sun flames in his twisted eyebrows. He
seems sad. Maybe he's feeling the liquor,
too, for he rambles on, “Wonder why
you never hear of a Swedish golfer. You
hear of Bjorn Borg and this fella Ste
mark.

Rabbit decides to ride it through.
the announcer says, “А mercy killi
murder most foul?"
Ouch," someone says.

Ronnie is pretending to rui

nati
“Maybe you'd be better off with a four

wood, and p
foot

"Nobody heard the punch line," H
Ty protests.

у the goose off your left

а Harrison says.
Buddy says. "It's
just very distressing to me," he goes on,
nd looks very severe in his steelrimmed
glasses, so the women at first take hin

seriously, “that nobody here, 1
nobody, has shown any sympathy for the
goose.

“Somebody sympathized enough to
bring the man to court.” Webb Murkett
points out.
discover myself," Buddy complains
меги in the midst of a crowd of
people who while pretending to be 1
eral and tolerant аге really antigoose.

"Who, me?" Ronnic says, making his
voice high as if goosed. Rabbit hates this
kind of humor, but thc other n to
enjoy it, including the women

returned glisten
. Standing there with her l

g sujt slightly awry, she tugs it straight
and blushes in the [ace of the ughter.
Are you talking about me?" The little
cross glints beneath the hollow of her
throat. Her feet look pale on the pool-
side flagstones. Funny how pale the tops
of fect sta:

Webb gives his wife's wide hips
eways hug. "No. honey. Harry wa
telling us a shaggy-goose story.”

“Tell me, Н;

“Not now, Nobody liked it. Webb will

ry.

tell you.”

The waitress in her green-and-white
uniform comes up to them. "Mrs.
Angstrom.”

The words shock Harry, as if his

mother has been resurrected.

"Yes," Janice answers matter-obfa
Your moth

"Oh, lordy, what Janice
stands, lurches slightly, composes herself.
She sets her mouth primly to match her
prim litle dark bangs. She takes her
beach towel from the back of her chair
and wraps it around her hips rather
than walk in mere bathing suit past
dozens of people into the clubhouse.
“What do you think is?” she asks
Harry.

He shrugs. “Maybe she's wonde
why there's no food in the fridge.”
dig in that, delivered openly. The
awlul girlfriend titers. Harry is ashamed
of himself, thinking in contrast of
Webb's sideways hug of Cindy's hips.
This kind of company will do a marriage
in if you let it. He doesn't want to get
sloppy.

In defiance Janice asks, “Honey, could
you order me another vod and ton while
I'm gone?"

"No." He softens this to “TI think

bout it,” but the chill has been put оп
the party.

The Murketts consult and conclude it
may be time to go, they
old baby sitter, a neighbors child. The
ame sunlight that ignited his eyebrows
lights the halo of fine hairs standing up
from the goose bumps on her thighs. Not
bothering with any towel around her,
she saunters to the ladies’ locker room
to change, her pale feet gripping the
tiles. Wait, leaving black prints on the
gray flagstones. Wait, wait, the Sund
the weekend cannot be by, а golden sip
remains in the glass. On the transparent
tabletop among the wire chairs drinks
have left a ghostly clockwork of rings
refracted into visibility by the declining
light. A cool touch suddenly in the
She has called out to them from a dark-
er older world he remembers but wants
to stay buried, a world of constant cloth-
ing and airless front parlors, of coalbins
and narrow houses with spitefully drawn
shades, where the farmer's drudgery and
the millworker's lowered like twin

Radar

Nobody expects a radar detector like this

Ciairvoyance is the ability to perceive matters beyond
the range of ordinary perception. In this case: radar
The perception of ordinary radar detectors is frustrated
by ils, blind corners. and roadside obstructions. What
is offered here is very dilferent—the ESCORT" radar
warning receiver.

More than the besics

Any self-respecting radar detector covers the basics.
and ESCORT is no exception. It picks up both X and K
bands (10.525 and 24 150GHz) and has aural and visual
alarms. It conveniently powers itself from your cigar
lighter socket, has a power-on indicator, and mounts
with either the included hook and loop fastener or the
accessory visor clip. ESCORT s simple good locks and
inconspicuous size (1.5H x 5.25W x 50) make its
installation easy, flexible. and attractive. But this is
just the beginning

The first difference Unexpected range

ESCORT has a sixth sense for radar. That's good
because radar situations vary tremendously. On the
average. though. ESCORT сап provide 3 to 5 times the
range of ordinary detectors. To illustrate the importance
of this difference. imagine a radar trap set up м mile
beyond the crest of a hill. A conventional detector
Would give warning barely before the crest: scant sec
onds before appearing in full range of the radar. In this
example, a 3 times increase in range improves the
margin to 30 seconds before the crest, For this kind
of precognition, ESCORT must have 100 times as much
sensitivity as the absolute best conventioral units have.
What makes this possible is, in a word, superheterodyne

The technology

The superheterodyre technique was invented in 1918
by Signal Corps Capt. Edwin H. Armstrong. This circuit
is the basis of just about every radio, television, and
radar set in the world today. ESCORT is the first
successful application of this method to the field of
police radar detection. The key to this development is
ESCORT s proprietary Varactor-Tured Gunn Oscillator
It continuously searches for incoming signals and сот.
pares them to an internal reference. Only signals that
match the radar frequencies are allowed to pass. This
weeding-oul process enables ESCORT to concentrate
only on the signals that count. As a bonus. it lakes
only milliseconds; quick enough to catch any pulsed
radar. The net result is vastly better range and fewer
false alarms.

The second difference
All this performance makes things interesting. When

a conventional detector sounds off. you know that radar
is close at hand. However. а detector with ESCORT's
range might find radar 10 miles away on the prairies
In the mountains, on the other hand, ESCORT can be
limited to less than ‘2 mile warning. Equipped with
Conventional light and noise alarms. you wouldn't know
whether the radar was a few seconds or 10 minutes
from greeting you. The solution to this dilemma is
ESCORT s unique signal suength indicating system. t
consists of a soothing. variable rate beep that reacts
to radar like a Geiger counter and an illuminated meter
lor fine definition. 15 smooth and precise action relates
signal strength clearly over a wide range. With a little
practice. you can judge distance from its readings. An
abrupt. strong reading tells you that a nearby radar has
just been switched or: something other detectors leave
you guessing about.

Nice extras

ESCORT has a few extras that make owning it even
more special. The audible warning has a volume control
уси can adjust to your liking. It also sounds different
depending on which radar band is being received. K
band doesn't travel as far so its sound is more urgent
The alert lamp is photoelectrically dimmed after dark
So it doesnt interfere with your night vision. And a
unique city/highway switch adjusts X band sensitivity
for fewer distractions from radar burglar alarms that
shate the police frequency.

Factory direct

Another nice thing about owning an ESCORT is that
you deal directly with the factory. You get the advantage
of speaking with the most knowledgeable experts avail-
able and savirg both of us money at the same time
Further, in the unlikely event thal your ESCORT ever
Needs repair. our service professionals are а! your
personal disposal. Everything you need is only a phone
call or parcel delivery away.

Second opinions
CAR and ORIVER ... Ranked according to performance.
the ESCORT is first choice... it looks like precision
equipment. has a convenient visor mount. and has the
most informative warning system of апу unit on the
market. the ESCORT boasts the most careful and
clever planning, the most pleasing packaging. and the
Most solid construction of the lot

BMWCCA ROUNDEL ..“The volume control has а
silky’ feel to it; in fact the entire unit does. If you
want the best. this is it. There 15 nothing else like it
PLAYBOY... "ESCORT radar detectors (аге)

Clairvoyance

generally ackrowledged to be the finest. most sensi
tive. most uncompromising effort at high techrotogy in
the field:

PENTHOUSE ...-ESCORT’s performance stood out
like an F-15 in а covey of Sabrejets

AUTOWEEK . .. The ESCORT detector from Cincinnati
Microwave ...is still the most sensitive. versatile
detector of the lot

No tooling

Now you know all about ESCORT. What about
Cincinnati Microwave? When it comes to reliability. we
don't fool around. ESCORT comes with a full one year
limited warranty on both parts and lator This could
turn out to be expensive for the factory if many units
fail in the field They don t. So it isn't, We aren't kidding
about ESCORT s performance either. And to prove it 10
you, well give you 30 days to test it for yourself. Buy
an ESCORT and use it on your roads т your area. If
you re not completely satisfied. send it back within 30
days and we will refund your purchase as well as pay
for your postage costs to return it. No obligation

How to order—It's easy
To order, nothing could be simpler Just send
five things to the the address below. Your name
and address. How many ESCORTs and Visor
Clips you want. Any special shipping instruc-
tions. Your phone number. And a check.

E. i
уаш ЕЭ

Visa and Mastercard buyers may substitute
their credit card number and expiration date for
the check. Or call us toll free and save the trip
to the mail box. Order today.

CALL TOLL FREE. . . . 800-543-1608
IN OHIO CALL..... . . 513-772-3700
ESCORT $245.00
($13.48 Ohio res. tax)
$7.00

(0.39 Ohio res. tax)

CINCININATI

MICROWAVE
" Department 307

255 Northland Boulevard

Cincinnati. Ohio 45246

Visor Clip

PLAYBOY

192

clouds over land and city. Here, dean
children shivering with their sudden
emergence into the thinner clement are
handed towels by their mothers. Cindy's
towel hangs on her empty chair. To be
Cindys towel and to be sat upon by
her: The thought d Harry’s mouth.
To stick your tongue in just as far as it
would go while her pussy tickles you
nose. No pimples in that crotch. Heaven.
He looks up and sees the shaggy moun-
tain shoulder; into the sun still,
though th e making long shad-
ows, lozenge checkerboards. Buddy In-
glefinger is saying to Webb Murkett in
a low voice whose vehemence is not
ironical, “Ask yourself sometime who
benefits from inflation. The people in
debt benefit, society's losers. The Gov-
ernment benefits because it collects more
in taxes without raising the rates. Who
doesn't benefit? The man with money
in his pocket, the man who's paid his
bills. That's why"—Buddy's voice drops
to a conspiratorial hiss—“that man is
vanishing like the red Indian. Why
should 1 work," he asks Webb, "when
the money is taken right out of my pock-
et for the benefit of those who don't?

Harry is thinking his way along the

mountain ridge, where clouds are lifting
like a form of steam. As if in motion
Mt. Pemaquid cleaves the summer sky
and sun, though poolside is in shadow
now. Thelma is saying cheerfully to the
girlfriend, “Astrology, palm reading,

psychiatry—I'm for all of it. Anything
that helps get you through." Harry is
thinking of his own parents ‘They

should have belonged to a club. Living
embattled, Mom feuding with the neigh-
bors, Pop and his union hating the men
who owned the printing plant where he
worked his life away, both of them scor
ing the few kin that tried to keep
touch, the four of them, Pop and Mom
and Hassy and Mim, against the world
and a certain guilt attaching to any
reaching up and outside for a friend.
Don't trust anybody: Andy

Mellon
doesn't and J don't. Dear Pop. He never
got out from under. Rabbit basks above
that old remembered world, rich,

Buddys voice nags on,
“Money that goes out of one pocket goes
into somebody else's, it doesn't just evap-
orate. The big boys are getting rich out

“And then, one morning, he jogged out the door
and never jogged back!”

gravelly, humorously placating. “Be-
come a big boy yourself I guess is the
only answer

“Oh, sure,
being put off.

A tiny speck, a bird, the fabled eagle
it might be, no. from the motionlessness
of its wings a buzzard, is flirting in flight
with the ragged goldemgreen edge of
the mountain, now above it like a speck
оп a Kodak slide, now below it out of
sight. while а bluebellied cloud шь
scrolls, endlessly, endlessly. Another
chair is scraped on the flagstones. His
name, “Ha is sharply called, in
Janice’s voice.

He lowers his gaze at last out of glory
and as his eyes adjust, his forehead
momentarily hurts, a small arterial pain;
perhaps with such a negligible unex-
plained ache do men begin their deaths,
some slow as being tumbled by a cat
and some [ast as being struck by a haw!

Buddy says, knowing he is

Cancer, coronary. "What did Bessi

Ја tone is breathless, faintly
stricken, "She says Nelson's come. With
this girl.”

resa," Harry says, pleased to have
remembered his son's girlfriend's name.
And his remembering brings along with
it Buddy's girlfriend's name. Joanne.
“It was nice to have met you, Joanne
he says in parting, shaking her hand.
“Don't overdo the astrology," he warns

her. Maybe that’s whats behind her
pimples. Like candy.
.

Webb Murkett is handy about the

house; he has a cellar full of expensive
power tools and subscribes to magazines
with titles like Fine Woodworking and
Homecraft. In every corner of the gray
Colonial he and Cindy have lived in
for the seven years of their marriage

there are handmade ot
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homelovingness of the house's master.

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g music
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lazy-tongs principle with not only the
basics of whiskey, gin and vodka but
exotic drinks like rum and tequila and
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its own small refrigerator, built in.
Much as he admires Webb, Harry thinks
when he gets his own dream house he
will do without the piped music and
such elaborate housing for the liquor.
The bathroom, though, rather en-
chants him, with its little enameled
dishes of rosebud-shaped soap and furry
blue toilet-seat covers and dazzling mirror
rimmed with naked light bulbs like actors
have in their dressing rooms. Everything
in here that doesn’t shine is tinted and
scented. The toilet paper, very dulcet, is
printed with old comic strips, each piece
a panel. Poor Popeye, eating shit instead
of spinach. And the towels have W and
M and L for Lucinda intertwined in
such a crusty big monogram he hates to
think what it would do to Cindy's
delicate underparts if she forgot and
rubbed herself vigorously. Harry feels
sexy. In the mirror that makes things
too vivid, his eyes stare with а pallor
almost white like the little frost flow-
ers that appear on the skin of a car
in the morning and his lips look bluish;
he is drunk, He has had two tequila
fizzes before dinner, as much Gallo
Chablis as he could grab during the meal
and a brandy and a half afterward. In
the middle of the second brandy, the
need to urinate came upon him like yet
another pressure of happiness. He has
an urge to look into the medicine cab-
inet framed by the rim of showbiz bulbs
and waits until a gale of laughter from
the drunken bunch in the living room
arises to drown out any possible click.
Besides himself and Janice, the Murketts
have invited the Harrisons and for a
new thrill the moronic Fosnachts, whom
they just met at Harry's house two weeks
ago but who must have turned them on
somehow, God knows how. Harry opens
the mirror door. Click. The cabinet has
more in it than he would have supposed:
thick milk-glass jars of skin cream and
flesh-tint squeeze bottles of lotion and
brown tubes of suntan lotion, Parepec-
tolin for diarrhea, Debrox for сагмах
control, menthol Chloraseptic, that
mouthwash called Cépacol, several kinds
of aspirin, both Bayer and Anacin, and
‘Tylenol, which doesn't make your stom-
ach burn, and a large chalky bottle of
liquid Maalox. He wonders which of
the Murketts needs Maalox, they both
always look so relaxed and at peace. The
pink poison-ivy goo would be down-
stairs, handy for the kids, and the Band-
Aids, but how about the little flat yellow
box of Preparation H for hemorrhoids?
Carter, of course, has hemorrhoids, that
grim overmotivated type who wants to
do everything on schedule, ready or not,
pushing, pushing, but old Webb Mur-
keu, with that gravelly voice and easy
swing, like the swing you see crooners
use at celebrity tournaments, unwrap-
ping onc of those little wax bullets and
poking it up his own asshole? And what

194 of these amber pill bottles with LUCINDA

к. MURKETT typed іп pale-blue script
face on the prescription labels? White
pills, lethally small. He should have
brought his reading glasses. Harry is
tempted to lift one of these containers
off its shelf in hopes of deciphering what
illness might have ever found its way
into that plump and supple babyish
body, but a superstitious fear of finger-
prints restrains him. Medicine cabinets
are tragic, he sees by this hard light,
and closes the door so gently no one will
hear the click. Hc returns to the living
room.
They
loudly.

discussing the Pope's visit,
Did you see,” Peggy Fosnacht
shouting, "what he said in Chicago
yesterday about sex!" Harry knew Peggy
in high school and had a little affair
h her ten years ago; the decade since
has freed her to stop wearing dark
glases to hide her walleye and to be
sloppy in her person and opinions both.
She's become the kind of woman who
looks permanently out of press as a
gesture of protest. "He said everything
Outside marriage was wrong. Not just if
you're married but before youre mar-
ried, too. What does that man know?
He doesn't know anything about life,
life as she is lived.”

Webb Murkett offers in a soft voice,
trying to calm his guest down, “I liked
what Earl Butz said some years ago. ‘He
no playa the game, he no make-a the
rules." Webb is wearing a maroon tur-
tleneck under a coarse yarny gray sweat-
er that has something to do, Rabbit
thinks, with Scandinavian fishermen.
The way the neck is cut. Harry and
Ronnie came in suits; Ollie was with it
enough to know you don't wear suits out
even on a Saturday night anymore. He
came in tight faded jeans and an em-
broidered shirt that made him look like
a cowboy too runty to be out on the
range.

“No playa the game!" Peggy Fosnacht
yells, "See if you're a pregnant slum
mother and can't get an abortion legally
if you think it's such a game.

Rabbit says to her, “Webb's agrecing
with you,” but she doesn't hear him,
babbling on headlong, her broad moon-
calf face flushed by wine and the exci
ing class of company, her pufly hairdo
coming uncurled like taffy softening in
the sun.

"Did any of you watch except me—T
can't stop watching, I get so furious—the
performance he put on in Philly where
he said absolutely no to women pricsts?
And he kept smiling, what really got my
goat, he kept smiling while spouting all
this sexist crap about only men in the
priesthood and how it was the conviction
of the Church and God's decision and ail
that, so solly. He's so smooth about it, I
think is what gets to me; at least some-
body like Nixon or Hitler had the de-
cency to be frantic.”

“He is one smooth old Polack,” Ollie

says, uneasy at this outburst by his wife.
He is into cool you can see. Music,
dope. Just on the fringes, but enough to
give you the right pitch.

“He sure can kiss those nigger babies,”
Ronnie Harrison comes in with, maybe
trying to help. It's fascinating to Rabbit
how long those strands of hair are Ron-
nie is combing over his bald spot these
days; if you pulled one the other way, it
would go below his ear. In this day and
age, why fight it? There's a bald look,
go for it. Blank and pink and curved,
like an ass. Everybody loves an ass. Those
wax bullets in the yellow box—could
they have been for Cindy? Sore there
from, but would Webb? Harry has read
somewhere that male homosexuals have
a lot of trouble with hemorrhoids. Amaz-
ing the things they try to put up—fists,
light bulbs. He squirms on his cushion.

“I think he's very sexy," Thelma Har-
rison states firmly. Everything she says
sounds like a schoolteacher, enunciated.
“He is a beautiful man," Thelma insists.
Her eyes are watery. She’s had a glass or
two too many herself. Her throat rises
absolutely straight, like a person trying
not to hiccup.

Janice is saying, she, too, has known
Peggy for ages and is trying to save her
from herself. "What I liked today, I
don't know if you were watching, Peggy,
was when he came out on the balcony
of that cathedral in Washington, before
he went to the White House, to this
crowd that was shouting, "We want the
Pope, we want the Pope, and he came
out on the balcony waving and shouted,
‘John Paul Two, he wants you!’ Actu-
ally."

Actually" because the men had
laughed, it was news to them. Three of
them had been out on the Flying Fagle
course today, summer had made one last
loop back to Diamond County. bringing
out fat buds on the magnolias by the
ixth tee.

I'd like to find it amusing,” Peggy
says, hoisting her voice above the laugh-
ter, "but to me the issues he's trampling
on are too damn serious.

Cindy Murkett unexpectedly speaks.
"He's been a priest in а Communist
country; he's used to taking a stand.
"The Amcrican liberals in the Church talk
about this sensus fidelium, but I never
heard of it; it's been magisterium for
two thousand years. What is it that of-
fends you, Peggy, if you're not a Catholic
and don't have to listen?”

A hush has surrounded her words
because they all except the Fosnachts
know that she was Catholic until she
married Webb. Peggy senses this now
but like a white sad heifer cannot turn
herself around, having charged. "You're
really a Catholic?" she bluntly asks.

Cindy tips her chin up, not used to
this kind of spotlight, the baby of their
group. "I was raised as one," she says.

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out," Harry volunteers. He is amused by
the idea of his having a daughter-in-law
at all, a new branch of his wealth. And
he hopes to be distracting. He doesn't
like to see women fight, he'd like to get
these two off the spot. Cindy comes up
from that swimming pool like a wet
dream, and Peggy was kind enough to
lay him when he was down.

But no one is distracted.

"When I married a divorced man,"
Cindy explains to Peggy, her voice sof-
tened, for she is the hostess, younger
though she is, "I couldn't take Com-
munion anymore. But I still go to Mass
sometimes. I still believe."

"And do you use birth control?" Peg-
By asks.

Back to nowhere, Fosnachts. Harry is
just as pleased; he liked his little crowd
the way it was.

Cindy hesitates. She can go all girlish
and slide and giggle away from the
question, or she can sit still and get
gnified. With just the smallest of dig-
nified smiles she says, “I'm not sure
that's any of your business.

"Nor the Pope's either, that's my
point" Peggy pounces, in triumph,
while the battle, even she must be feel-
ing. slips away. She will not be invited
here again

Webb, always the gentleman, perches
on the arm of the easy chair in which
fat Peggy has set herself up as anti-Pope
and leans down a deft inch to say to
his guest alone, “I think Cindy's point, as
І understand it, is that John Paul is
addressing the doctrinal issues for his
fellow Catholics while bringing good
will to every American.”

e can keep his good will along with
the doctrine as far as I'm concerned,”
Peggy says, trying to shut up but unable.

Cindy attacks a little now, “But he
sees the trouble the Church has got into
since Vatican Two. The priests——"

“The Church is in trouble because it's
a monument to a lie, run by a bunch
of antiquated chauvinists who don't
know anything. I'm sorry," Peggy says

“I'm talking too much."

“Well, this is America," Harry says,
ig to her rescue somewhat.

Webb Murkett also seeks to change
the subject, ng Ronnie and Ollie,
"Did either of you see in the paper to-
day where Nixon finally bought a house
im Manhattan? Right next to David
Rockefeller. I'm no great admirer of
tricky Dick's, but I must say the way
he's been excluded from apartment
ho at city is a disgrace to
the Constitution.

‘If hed been a jigaboo." Ronnie
gins

coi

Well, how would you like.” Peggy
Fosnacht has to say, “а lot of Secret
Service men checking your handbag
every time you came back from the
store?"

The chair Peggy sits in is squared-off

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197

PLAYBOY

198

ponderous modern with a fabric thick as
plywood; it matches another chair and
a long sofa set around that kind of table
with no overhang to the top they call a
Parsons table, which is put together in
alternating blocks of light and dark
wood with а curly knotty grain such as
they make golf-club heads of. The entire
deep space of the room, which Webb
added on when he and Cindy acquired
this house in the pacesetting develop-
ment of Brewer Heights, brims with
appointments chosen all to harmonize.
Its tawny valpo has vertical threads
of te: ke the vertical folds of
the slightly E pull drapes, and re-
productions of Wyeth water colors lit
by spots on track lighting overhead echo
with scratchy strokes the same tints, and
the same lighting reveals little sparkles,
like mica on a beach, in the overlapping
arcs of the rough-plastered ceiling. When
Harry moves his head these sparkles in
the ceiling change location, wave upon
wave of hidden silver. He announces,
“ heard a kind of funny story at Rotary
the other day involving Kissinger. Webb,
I don't think you were there. There
were these five guys in an airplane that
was about to crash—a priest, a hippie, a
policeman, somebody else and Henry
Kissinger. And only four parachutes.”
Ronnie says, “And at the end the hip-
pie turns to the priest and says, ‘Don’t
worry, Father. The Smartest Man in the
World just jumped out with my knap-
sack.’ We've all heard it. Speaking of
which, Thel and I were wondering if
you'd seen this.” He hands him a news-
paper clipping, from an Ann Landers
column printed in the Brewer Standard,
the respectable paper, not the Vat. The
second paragraph is marked in tidy pen.
“Read it aloud,” Ronnie demands.
Harry doesn't like being given orders
by sweaty skinheads like Harrison when
he's come out for a pleasant low-key
time with the Murketts, but all eyes are
on him and at least it gets them off
the Pope. He explains, more to the
Fosnachts than the others, since the
Murketts seem to be in on the joke al-
ready, "It's a letter to Ann Landers from
somebody. The first paragraph tells
about a news story about some guy
whose pet python bit him in the stomach
and wouldn't let go, and when the para-
medics came he yelled at them to get
out of his apartment if they're going to
hurt his snake.” There is a little laugh-
ter at that and the Fosnachts, puzzled,
try to join in. The next paragraph goes:

"The other news story was about a
Washington, D.C, physician who
beat a Canadian goose to death with
his putter on the 16th green of a
country club. (The goose honked
just as he was about to sink one.)
‘The reason for printing those letters
was to demonstrate that truth is
stranger than fiction.

Having read this aloud, he explains
to the Fosnachts, "Ihe reason theyre
Tazing me with this is last summer I
heard about the same incident on the
radio and when I tried to tell them
about it at the club, they wouldn't listen,
nobody believed me. Now here's proof
it happened."

"You chump, that’s not the point,”
Ronnie Harrison says.

“The point is, Harry," Thelma says,
5 зо different. You said he was from
Baltimore and this says he was from
Washington. You said the ball hit the
goose accidentally and the doctor put
him out of his misery."

Webb says, "Remember—'A mercy
killing, or murder most foul?’ That real-
ly broke me up."

"You didn't show it at the time,"
Harry says, pleased, however.

"According to Ann Landers, then,
it was murder most foul,” "Thelma says.

"Who cares" Ronnie says, getting
ugly. This clipping was clearly her idea.
Her touch on the ballpoint, too.

Janice has been listening with that
glazed dark look she gets when deep
enough into the booze. She and Webb
have been trying some new imported
Irish liqueur called Greensleeves. "Well,
not if the goose honked,” she says.

Ollie Fosnacht says, "I can't believe
a goose honking would make that much
difference on a putt.”

All the golfers there assure him it
would.

"Shit" he says, "in music, you do
your best work at two in the morning,
stoned half out of your mind and a lot
of drunks acting up besides."

His mention of music reminds them
all that in the background Webb's hid-
den speakers are incessantly performing;
а На n melody at the moment, with
Vibra-Harp.

“Maybe it wasn't a goose at all,” Harry
says. “Maybe it was a very little caddie
with feathers.”

“That's music" Ronnie sneers at
Ollie's observation. “Hey, Webb, how
come there isn't any beer in this place?’

“There's beer, there's beer. Miller
Lite and Heineken. What can I get
everybodyz"

Webb acts a little jumpy, and Rabbit
worries that the party is in danger of
flattening out. He misses, whom he
never thought he would, Buddy Ingle-
finger, and tries to say the kind of
thing Buddy would if he were here.
“Speaking of dead geese,” he says, “I
noticed in the paper the other day
where some anthropologist or something
says about a fourth of the animal species
on earth right now will be extinct by
the year 2000.”

"Oh, don’t,” Peggy Fosnacht protests
loudly, shaking herself ostentatiously, so
the fat on the drumstick joint of her
arms trembles. "Don't mention the year

2000; just the thought of it gives me the
creeps.”

Nobody asks her why.

The heated flush the papal argument
roused in Cindy still warms her throat
and upper chest, which with its tiny
gold cross sits half-exposed by the un-
buttoned two top buttons or string
latches of the Arab-looking thing she is
wearing. her tapering forearms looking
childishly fragile within its wide sleeves,
her feet bare but for the thinnest golden
sandals below the embroidered hem. In
the commotion as Webb takes drink
orders and Janice wobbles up to go
to the john, Harry goes over and sits
on a straight chair beside their young
hostes. "Hey," he says, "I think the
Popes pretty great. He really knows
how to use TV.

Cindy says, with a sharp quick shake
of her face, as if stung, "I don't like
a lot of what he says either, but he's got
to draw the line somewhere. "That's his
job.

He's running scared," Rabbit offers.
“Like everybody else.”

She looks at him, her eyes smallish,
the fatty pouches of her lower lids giving
her a kind of squint, as if she's been
beaten or is suffering from ragweed, so
she looks merry even as she’s being
solemn, her pupils dilated in this shad-
owy center of the room, away from the
track lighting. “Oh, J can't think of
him that way, though youre probably
right. I've still too much parochial school
in me.” The ring of brown around her
pupils is smooth chocolate, without
flecks or fire. "Webb's so gentle, he
never pushes me. After Betsey was born,
and we agreed he’s been father enough,
Webb, I couldn't make myself use a dia-
phragm, it seemed so evil, and he didn't
want me on the pill, what he'd read
about it, so he offered to get himself
fixed, you know, like the men are paid
to do in India—what do they call it?—
a vasectomy. Rather than have him do
that and do God knows what to his
psyche, I went impulsively one day and
got myself fitted for the diaphragm. I
still don't know if I'm putting it in right
when I do it, but poor Webb, You know
he had five other children by his other
wives, and they're both after his money
constantly. Neither has married, though
they're living with men. "That's what I
would call immoral, 10 keep bleeding
him that way."

This is more than Harry had bar-
gained [or. He tries to confess back at
her. "Janice had her tubes cauterized
the other year, and I must say, it’s great
not to have to worry about it, whenever
you want it, night or day, no creams or
crap or anything. Still, sometimes she
starts crying, for no reason. At being
sterile."

"Well, of course, Harry. I would, too.”
Cindy's lips are long and in their lipstick

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PLAYBOY

200

lie together with a wisedup closeness
of fit. a downward tug at the end of
sentences, he has never noticed before
tonight.

"But you're a baby,

Cindy gives him a wise slanting look
and almost toughly says, "I'm getting
there, Harry. ГЇЇ be thirty this Feb-
ruary.

Twenty-nine, she must have been 22
when Webb started fucking her, what
a sly goat, he pictures her body all
bror with its little silken slopes and
rolls of slight excess inside the rough
loose garment, shadowy spaces you could
put your hand in, for the body to
breathe in that desert heat, it goes with
the gold threads on her feet and the
bangles around her wrists, still small
and round as a child's, veinless. The
keenness of his lust dries mouth.
He stands to go after his brandy but
loses his balance so his knee knocks
against Peggy Fosnachts ponderous
square chair. She is not in it, she is
standing at the top of the two steps
that lead upward out of the living room,
with the dull green loden coat she came
in draped around her shoulders, looking
down at them like one placed above and
beyond, driven away.

Ollie, though, is seated around thc
Parsons table waiting for Webb to
bring the beer and oblivious of his
wife's withdrawal. Ronnie Harrison, so
drunk the long hair he brushes across
his bald spot stands up in a loop, is
ng Ollie, "How goes the music
racket these days? I hear the guitar
craze is over, now that there's no more
revolution.

“They're into flutes now; it's weird.
Not just the girls but guys, too, who
want to play jazz A lot of spades. A
spade came in the other day, wanted to
buy a platinum flute for his daughter's
eighteenth birthday, he said he read
about some Frenchman who had one. I
said, ‘Man, you're crazy. I can't begin to
guess what a flute like that would соз!
He said, ‘I don't give а flying fuck, man,’
and showed me this roll of bills, there
must have been an inch of hundred-
dollar bills in it. At least those on top
were hundreds."

Any more talk with Cindy would be
too much for now; Harry sits down
heavily on the sofa and joins the male
conversation. "Like those gold-headed
putters a few years ago. Boy, I bet
they've gone up in value.

Like Peggy, he is ignored. Harrison
is boring in. These insurance salesmen
have that way. of putting down their
heads and just boring in, until it’s either
scream or say, sure, you'll take out
another $50,000 of renewable life.

Ronnie says to Ollie, "How about
electric stuff? You see this guy on tele-
vision even has an electric violin. That
stuff must cost."

he tells her.

“Ап arm and a leg," Ollie says, look-
ing up gratefully as Webb sets a Heine-
ken on a light square of the table in
front of him. "Just the amplifiers take
you into the thousands," he says, pleased
to be talking, pleased to sound rich.
Poor sap, when most of his business is
selling 13-year-old dumplings records
10 make them wet their pants. What do
the kids nowadays call it? Lollipop music.

Ronnie has tilted his head to bore
in at a different angle. "You know I'm
in client. service Schuylkill Mutual
and my boss told me the other day, you
cost this company twelve thousand seven
hundred last year. Thats not salary,
that's benefits. Retirement, health in-
surance, participation options. How do
you handle that in your operation? If
you don't have employerfinanced in-
surance in this day and age, you're in the
soup. People expect it and without it
they won't. perform.”

Ollie is thinking this beer may be
one free drink too many. He says, “Well,
I'm my own employer, in a way. Me and
my partners”

“How about Keogh? You gotta have
Keogh

"We try to keep it simple. When we
started out ———'

"You gotta be kidding, Ollie. You're

just robbing yourself. Schuylkill Mutual
offers a super deal on. Keogh, and we
could plug you in; in fact, we advise
plugging you in, on the corporate end
зо not a nickel comes out of your personal
pocket, it comes out of the corporate
pocket and there's that much less for
Uncle to tax. These poor saps carrying
their own. premiums with no company
input are living in the dark ages. "There's
nothing shady about rigging it this way,
we're just using the laws the Government
has put there. They want people to take
advantage, it all works to up the gross
national product. You know what I mean
by Keogh, don't you? You're looking kind
of blank."
It's something like Social Secur;
‘A thousand times better. Social Secu-
ritys just a rip-off to benefit the free-
loaders now; you'll never sce a penny of
what you put in. In the Keogh plan, up
to seventy-five hundred goes untaxed,
every year; you just set it aside, with our
help. Our usual suggestion is, depending
on circumstances—how many dependents
you got?”

“Two, if you count the wife. My son
Billy's out of college and up in Massachu-
setts studying specialized dentistry.

Ronnie whistles. “Boy, you were smart.
Limiting yourself to one offspring. 1
saddled myself with three and only these
last few years am I feeling out of the
woods. The older boy, Alex, has taken
to electronics, but the middle boy, Geor-
gie, needed special schools from the start.
Dyslexia. I'd never heard of it, but I'll
tell you I've heard of it now. Couldn't

make any goddamn sense at all out of
anything written, and you'd never know
it from his conversation. He could out-
talk me at this job, that's for certain, but
he can't see it. He wants to be an artist,
Jesus. There's no money there, Ollie, you
know that better than I do. But even
with just the one kid, you don't want
him to starve if you were suddenly out
of the picture, or the good woman, either.
Any man in this day and age carrying
les than a hundred, a hundred fifty
thousand dollars straight life just isn't
being realistic. A decent funeral alone
costs four, five grand."

“Yeah, well-

Lemme get back to the Keogh a
minute. We generally recommend a forty
ау split, take the forty percent of
seventy-five hundred in straight life pre-
miums, which generally comes to close to
the hundred thou, assuming you pass the
exam, that is. You smoke?”

“Off and on.

“Uh-oh. Well, lemme give you the
name of a doctor who gives an exam
everybody can live with."

Ollie says, "I think my wife wants
togo.”

You're kidding, Foster.”
Fosnacht.”

“You're kidding. This is Saturday
night, man. You got a gig or something?”

“No, my wife—she needs to go to some
antinudear meeting tomorrow morning
at some Universalist church.”

“No wonder she's down on the Pope,
then. I hear the Vatican and Three Mile
Island are hand in glove; just ask friend
here. Ollie, here's my card. Could

“That's OK. ] know where you are.
Up there next to the fuck movies. I'll
come by. No bullshit, you really owe it
yourself to listen to some of these op-
portunities. People keep saying the econ-
omy is shot, but from where I'm sitting
it isn't shot at all, from where I sit it's
booming. People are begging for shel-

„ "Come on, Ron. Ollie
wants to go."

"Well, I don't exactly, but Peggy:

"Go. Go in peac, man." Ronnie
stands and makes a ham-handed blessing
gesture. “Got pless America," he pro-
nounces in a thick, slow foreign accent,
loud, so that Peggy, who has been con-
fering with the Murketts, patching
things up, turns her back. She, too, went
to high school with Ronnie and knows
him for the obnoxious jerk he is.

“Jesus, Ronnie,” Rabbit says to him
when the Fosnachts have gone. “What
a snow job.”
hh,” Ronnie says.
if he could eat garbage."

“I've never been that crazy about hi
either,” Harry confesses. “He treats old
Peggy like dirt.”

Janice, who has been consulting with

wanted to see

Thelma Harrison about something, God
knows what, their lousy children, over-
hears this and tells. Ronnie, “Harry
screwed her years ago, that's why he
minds Olli Nothing like a little booze
to freshen up old sore points.

Ronnie laughs to attract attention and
slaps Harry "You screwed that
big pig, funny eyes and all?”

Rabbit pictures that heavy
with the interior teardrop of
Ма Springer’s living room, its smooth
ft in his hand, and imagines himself
ng the pivot fom pounding it into
s stubborn dumb drunken face to
one-handed stuff
ht down into Harrison's brain pan.
“Iı seemed a good idea at the time,” he
has o admit, uncrossing his legs and
stretching them in preparation. for
extended The Fosnachts’ lea
is felt as a relief throughout the room
Cindy is tittering to Webb, clings briefly

sweater

glass egg
ir back in

d.
what I like," Webb Murkett

says in his gravelly voice above them.
“Old friends. nd Cindy side by
side sta above their circle
as the hour settles toward midnight.
“What can I get anybody? More beer?
How about a light highball? Scotch?

Irish? A C.C. and Seven?" Cindy's ti
jut out in that сайап or burnoose or
whatever like the angle of a tent.
Desert silence. Crescent moon. Put the
camel to bed. "Well Webb exh
with such pleasure he must be feelin
th sleeves, "and what did we
think of the Fosnachts?’

"They won't do,” ‘Thelma says. Harry
is startled to hear her speak, she has
been so silent. If you close your eyes and
pretend you're blind. Thelma has a

preity voice. He feels melancholy and
mellow, now that the ion from the
pathetic world beyond the Flying Eagle
has been repelled,

‘Ollie’s been a sap from day one,"

he says, "but she didn't used to be such
a blabbermouth. Did she, Janice?”
Janice is cautious, defending her old

I. "She always had a tendency."
she says. "Peggy never thought of her-
self as attractive, and that was а pi
lem."

ou did, huh?" Harry accuses.

She stares at him, having not followed,
her face moistened as by a fine spray

“ОГ course she did,” Webb gallantly
intervenes, "she is attractive,” and goes
around behind her cl
hands on her shoulders, close
neck, so she hunches her shoulde

chatting with me and Webb at the
| she sometimes just gets

carried away.

Ronnie says, "Harry and
guess, see a lot of ‘em. ГЇЇ
as long as you're up, Webb.”

Janice, 1
ve a brew

"We don't at all. Webb, could you
make that two?”
‘Thelma asks Harry, her voice softly
pitched for him alone, “How is Nelson?

Have you heard fom him in his mar-
ried state?
“A postcard, Janice has talked 10 chem

on the phone
they're bored.

couple times. She thinks

Janice interrupts, “I don't think,
Harry. He told me they're bored.
Ronnie offers, “If you've done all your

fucking before marriage, 1 guess a honey-
noon can be а drag. Thanks, Webb.”

Janice says, “He said it's been chilly
n the cabin.
Too lazy.

mo doubt, to carry the

wood in from the stack outside," Harry
says. "Yeah, thanks.” The pjfft of open-
ng a can isnt пе atislying since

they put that salety tab on to keep
idiots from choking themselves.
Harry, he told us they've been having
a fire in the wood stove all day long,
“Burning it all up so somebody else
can chop. He's his momma’s boy.”
Thelma, tired perhaps of the tone
the Angstroms keep. setting, lifts her
voice and bends her face far back. ex
posing a startling length of sallow throat.
of the cold, Webb. Are you

ndy going away at all th
They usually go to an island
bean. The Harrisons once

went with them, years
Janice have never been.

ago. Harry and

Webb has been circling behind Thel-
get Ils for someone.
“We've talked about it,” he tells Thelma.
"Through Harry's buzz of beer laid over
brandy there scems an. enchanting con
ii between her bentback throat
and his arched and lowered voice. Old
friends, Harry thinks. Fit like pieces
of a puzzle. Webb bends down and
reaches over Thelma's shoulder to put a
weak tall Scotch and soda on а di
square in front of her. “I'd like to go.
he is going on, “where they have a golf
course. You can get a pretty fair deal,
if you shop around for a package."

“Let's all go,” Harry
get the hell out of here, go to the С
bean and play golf. I hate the w
around here—there's no si
iceskate, it's just boring and raw, month
after month. When I was а kid, ther
was snow all the time, whatever hap-
pened to it?”

“We had a ton of snow in 778,7 Webb
observes.

"Harry, maybe it's time to go home.”
Janice tells him. Her mouth has thinned
to a slot. her high forehead shines with
sweating out her liquor.

“I don't want to go home. I want to
go to the Caribbean. But first I want to
go to the bathroo hroom. home.
Caribbean, in that order." He wonders
if a wife like that ever dies of natural
causes, Never, those dark wiry types,
look at her mother, still running the

“You know, Miss Fenwick, sexual harassment
in the office can take many forms.”

201

1 17 2
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of Elizabethan dignity to this role without his fucking codpiece?"

203

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show. Buried poor old Fred and never
looked back.

Cindy says, “Harry, the downstairs
john is plugged, Webb just noticed
Somebody must have used too much

sring. that's who." Harry says
and wondering why the wall
to-wall carpeting has a curve to it, like
the deck of a ship falling away on all
sides. "First she attacks the. Pope, then
buses the plumbing."

‘Use the one in our bedroom," Webb
says to him. "At the head of the stairs,
past the two closet doors with

way her tears. . . ." Rabbit
hears Thelm,
he leaves. Up the two carpeted steps, his
head fl
down а
colored carpeting, а dirty lime, more
wear, older part of the house. Someone

Harrison saying dryly as

ng far above his feet. Then

ll and up stairs in different-

else's upstairs always has that hush
Tired nights, a couple talking softly to
themselves. The voices below him fade
‘Turn lelt, Webb had said. Slatted doors.
He stops and peeks in. Female clothes
strips of many colors, fragrant of her
Get Cindy down there in that sand,
who can say, talking to him about her
diaphragm already. He finds the bath
room. Every light in it is lit. What a
waste of energy. Going down with all
her lights blazing, the great ship Ameri-
ca. This bathroom is smaller than the
one downstairs. He undoes his fly and in
a stream of bliss fills one of this room's
gleaming bowls with gold. Because he
м:

а drop or two, and pats his tip with
piece of lemon-yellow toilet paper, plain
the comic strips were to amuse guests
Who was Thelma saying would wipe
away her tears? The shocking flash of
long white throat, muscular, the swallow.
ing muscles developed. she must have
something, to hold Harrison. Maybe she
meant Peggy using toilet paper to wipe
away her ad clogged the toilet.
Cindy's eyes had had a glisten, too shy
to like arguing like that with poor
Peggy, telling him instead about her
diaphragm, Jesus, inviting him to think
about it, her sweet red dark deep, could
she mean it? Getting there, Harry, her
voice more wised up and throaty than
he ever noticed before, her eyes pouchy,
sexy when women's lower lids are like
that, up a little like eggcups. All around
in here are surfaces that have seen
Cindy stark-naked.

He washes his hands. The faucet is
one of those single-handled Lavomaster
mixers with a knob on the end of the
handle like a. clown's nose or big pim-
ple, he can never remember which w:
is hot and which cold, what was wrong
with the old two ts that said н
and c? The basin, though, is good, with
a wide lip of several ledges to hold soap
without its riding off, these little ridges

never circumcised, he tends to те

ars

most basins have now don't hold any-
thing, dinky cheap pseudo marble, he
supposes if youre in the roofing in-
dustry you know plumbing suppliers
who can still provide the good stuff,
even though there's not much market
for it. The curved lavender bar he has
right in his hands must have lost its
lettering making lather for Cindy's sun-
tanned skin, suds in her crotch, her hair
must be jet-black there, her eyebrows
are: You should look at а woman's
eyebrows not the hair on her head for
the color of her pussy. This bathroom
has not been so cleaned up for guests
as the downstairs one, Popular Mechan-
ics on mper the
toilet, the towels slung crooked on the
ders and a touch of

next to

just а few hours ago for this p
Harry considers opening this bathi

ty-
om

cabinet as he did the other one but,
thinking of fingerprints, the
chrome rim and refrains. s he
dry his hands, for fear of touching the

towel Webb used. He has sei that long.
yellow body in the Flying Eagle locker
room. The man moles all across
his back and shoulders that probably
aren't contagious, but still.

He cant return. downsi
hands. That shit Harrison would

irs with wet
nake

some crack. Ya still gol scum on your
hands, ya jer

-off. Rabbit stands а mo-
ment the hall, listening to the noise
of the party rise, a wordless clatter of
es happy without him, the women's
the most distinct, a d of throbbing
in it like the melody you sometimes
hi i ling. a song
so distinct you expect to hear words.
The hall is carpeted here not in lime
but in sensuous plum, and he moves to
follow its color to the threshold of the
Murketts’ bedroom. Here it happens.
Tt hollows out Harry's stomach, makes
him faintly sick, to think what a lucky
stil Webb is. The bed is low in modern
style, а kind of with sides of
reddish wood, and the covers had been
pulled up hastily rather than made.
Had it just happened? Just before the
showers before the party that left the
towels in the bathroom damp? In mid-
bove the low bed he imagines in
alterimage her damp and perfect toes,
those sucky little dab-toes whose print
he has often spied on the Flying Eagle
flagstones, here lifted high to lay her cunt
open, their baby dots mingling with the
moles on Webb's back. It hurts.

Where do the Murkets put thei
kids? Harry twists his head to see a
dosed white door at the far other end

of the plum carpet, There. Asleep. He
is safe. The carpet absorbs his footsteps

as, silent as а ghost, he follows its color
nto the bedroom. A cavernous space,
forbidden. Another shadowy presence

jars his heart: а man in blue suit, trou
sers and rumpled white shirt with cuffs

folded back and a loosened necktie,
looking overweight and dangerous, is
watching him stonily. It is himself, his
own fulllength reflection in а large
mirror placed between two matching
bureaus of wood bleached so that the
grain shows through as through powder.
The minor faces the foot of the bed.
Hey. These two. It hasn't been just his
i ion. They fuck in front of a
, dressed, looks queer in the
mirror reflected; he rarely sees himself
head to toe except when he's buying a
suit at Kroll's or that little. tailor on
P Eve: ou stand close
in to the three-way mirrors and there's
not this dizzying surround of space, so
he's meeting himself halfway across the
room. He looks mussed and crimi
ar too old and fat for

there

ror, the calm room
с Murketts’ living
y bits of underwear

Ci - The

holds few traces of
mih. No little
ying around smelling
curtains are a thick
like a giant clown’s pants balloo
they have window shades of t
ing kind that he keeps
Janice to get. The [ar window with its
rawn for a пар must overlook the
pool and the stand of woods everyhody
has up here in this development between

the houses, but Harry doesn’t w
himself that deep into the room,
he's betraying hospitality. His hands have
dried, he should go down. He is standing
near a corner of the bed, its mute plane
lower than his knees, the satiny peach
bedspread tugged smooth in haste, and.
he impulsively, remembering the condoms
he used to keep in a parallel place. steps
to the curly maple bedside table and
ever so stealthily pulls out the small
drawer. It was open an inch. anyway. No
t would be in the bath-
t pen, an unlabeled box
h folders, a few re-

of pills, some m

ceipts tossed in, one of those rubber-
tipped plastic handles dentists give you
to stimulate your gums with,

little vel-

logo on it and a dia
phone numbe 1 clippers, some pa-
per clips and golt tees and—his thump-
ing heart drowns out the mumble of the
party beneath his feet. At the back of the
drawer are tucked some black-backed
Polaroid instant photos. That SX70
Webb was bragging about. Harry lifts
the little stack out delicately, turns it
over and studies the photos one by one.
Shit. He should have brought his read-
ing glases; they're downstairs in his
coat pocket.

The top photo, flashlit

in this same

“Not like that, Grover! It's the coward's

way out"

205

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room, on this same satiny bedsp
shows Cindy naked, lying legs spread.
Her pubic is even. darker than he
imagined, the shape of it from this angle
a kind of T, the upright of the T
split by а redness as if sore, the under-
side of her untanned ass making a pale
blob on either side. At arm's length he
holds the glazed picture closer to the
bedside light; his eyes water with the
eflort to see cverything, every crease,
every hair. Cindy's face, out of focus
beyond her breasts, which droop more to
cither side than Harry would have hoped,
smiles with nervous indulgence at the
camera. Her chin is doubled, looking so
sharply down. Her feet look enormous
In the next shot she has turned over,
showing a double spread of buttocks, fish-
white with an eyclike widening staring
from the crack. For the next couple of
photos the camera has switched hands,
and old W and sheepish,
stands as has oft en him after
a shower, except without the hard-on,
which he is helping with his hand. Not
а great hard-on, pointing to ten o'clock,
not even ten, more li little after nine,
but then you can't expect а guy over 5
to go for high noon, leave that to the
pimply teenagers: when Rabbit was 14 in
socsci class, a spot of sun, the shadow of
Lottie Bingaman's armpit as she raised
her hand with a pencil in it, that sweet
strain of cloth and zipper
blood. Webb has length but not much
bulk at the base; still, there he is, game
and even with the potbelly and gnarled
ппу legs and sh ng expression
somehow debonair, not a hair on his
wavy head out of place. The next shots
were the nature of experiments, by
natural light, the shades must have all
been up, bold to the day, slabby shapes
d shelves of flesh interlocked and tipped
toward violet by the spectrum of unde
exposure. Harry deciphers one bulge
Cindy's check, and then the puzzle fits,
she is blowing him, that purply stalk is
his prick rooted in her stretched lips
and the fuzzy foreground is his chest hair
as he tikes the picture. In the next one
he has improved the angle and light and
the focus is perfect on the demure curve
of one cye's black lashes. Beyond the
shiny tan tip of her nose her pale fingers,
with nails that look bitten, hold the veiny
thing as if to control it, her litle finger
lifted as on a flute. What was Ollie saying
about flutes? For the next shot Webb had
са of using the mirror; he is stand.
s with the camera squarely
face ought to be and
face impaled, as she kneels
-o'dock hook of
Her profile is snub-nosed and her nipples
jut out stiff. The old rd's tricks have
turned the little bitch on. But her head
seems so small and round and brave,
stuck on his prick like a candy apple.
Harry wants in the next picture to sce
come like tooth. paste all over her face

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PLAYEOY

208

like in the fuck movies, but Webb has
turned her around and is screwing her
from behind, his prick vanished in the
fish-white curve of her ass: her tits hang
down pearshaped in their heaviness and
г legs next to. Webb's appear stocky.
he's getting there. She will get fatter,
gly. She is looking into
йог and laughing. Perhaps in the
difficulty of keeping her balance while
Webb's one hand operates the camera
Cindy Jaughed at that moment a big red
laugh like a girl on a poster, with this
yellow prick in her from behind. The
light in the room must have been dying
that day, for the flesh of both the Mur
kettis appears golden
reflected in the minor is dim in
dow as if underwater. This is the
picture; there are eight and а camera
like this takes ten. Consumer Reports had
а lot to say а while ago about the SX-70
t
knows.

nd the furniture
blue

Now

X stood [or Harry
eyes burn,

The party noise below is lessening,
perhaps they are listening. for a sound
f ng what has hap-
pened to him. He slips the Polaroids
back into the drawer, black backs up, and
tries to slide shut the drawer to the exact
inch it was open by. The room otherwise
is untouched; the mirror will erase his
image instantly, As he descends the stairs
his head feels to be floating on a six-foot
string attached to his big shoes. The gang
in the long living room has realigned
isell in a tighter circle about the Parsons
table. There seems to be no place for
him. Ronnie Harrison looks up. “Му

the

ing,

God, whatcha been doin’, jacking off?"
I'm not feeling so great,” Rabbit says,

with dignity.

"Your eyes look red," Janice says.
“Аге you having hay feve

They are too excited by the topic
among themselves to tease him long.
Cindy doesn't even turn around. The
nape of her neck is thick and brown,
soft and impervious. Treading to them
on spongy steps across the endless pile
carpeting, he pauses by the fireplace
mantel to notice what he had failed to
notice before, two Polaroid snaps
propped up, опе each of the Murketts"
little children, the five-year-old boy with
an outsize fielder's mitt standing sadly
on the bricks of their patio, and the
three-year-old girl on this same hazily
bright summer afternoon, before the
parents took а squinting with an
obedient and foolish hall-smile up to-
d some light source that dazzles he
She is wearing both pieces of a play-
muddied little bik: nd Webb's shad-
ow, а lifted to his head as if to make
horns, fills one corner of the exposed
square of film. These are the missing
two shots from that pack of ten.

"Hey, Harry, how about the second
week of January?" Ronnie hoots at him.

They have all been discussing a shared
trip to the Caribbean, and the women
are as excited about it as the men.

Ии is after one when he and Janice
drive home. Brewer Heights is a develop-
ment of two-acre lots off the highwa
Maiden Springs, a good ?0 minutes
Mt. Judge. The road sweeps down in
stylish cunves; the developer left trees,
and six hours ago, when they drove up
road, each hou lit in its bower
of unbulldozed woods like displays in the
facade of a long gray department store.
Now the house: l but the Mur

"Ah, my dear, there's nothing

like one of your martini

to help me

unwind after a trying day."

are dark. Dead leaves swirl in their head-
lights amd pour from the trees in the

wind as if from bushel baskets. The
seasons tell. The sky gets streaky, the
trees begin то heave. Harry сап think of

little to say, intent upon the wheel on
these winding streets called drives and
boulevards. The stus flickering through
the naked treetops of Brewer Heights
yield 10 the lamplit suaightaway of the
anice drags on a cigarette; the
n the side of his vision

glow expands
diminishes.

and She clears her throat
and says, “I suppose 1 should have stuck
up more for Peggy, she being an old

friend and all. But she did talk out of
turn, I thou
Too much women's lib."

зо much Ollie. maybe, I know she
keeps thinking of leaving him."

“Aren't you glad we have all that be-
nd us?

He says it mischievously, to hear her
grapple with whether they did or didn't,
but she answers simply, "Yes.

He says nothing. His tongue fe
tapped. Even now. Webb is undressing
Cindy. Or she him. And kneeling. Har-
гуз tongue seems stuck to the floor of
his mouth like those poor kids every
winter who insist on touching tl
tongues to iron railings.
anice tells him, "Your idea of taking
this trip in a bunch sure took hold.”

“IH be fon.

“For you men playing golf, What'll we
do all day?”

“Lie in the sun. There'll be things.
They'll have tennis courts." This trip is

he speaks of it gingerly.

Janice drags again. “They keep saying
now how sun-bathing leads to cancer.

“Хо faster than smoking.”

"Thelma has this condition where she
shouldn't be in the sun at all, it could
‚ she’s told me. I'm surprised she's
on going.”
be she won't be in the mo
on second thought. I don't see how H
rison kid of theirs
in defecti

"Can we, I wondi

“Honey, of com
should have taken

ning.

? Allord it
e. We're so року, we
up n

never w to go anywhe:
with just me. arette glows once
more, and then with that clumsy scrab.
bling motion that always annoys him,
she stubs it out, He hates having the
ay dirty, it smells for days even alter
you've emptied it. She sighs. “L wish in
way it was just us going, if we must
go.

We don't know the ropes. Webb docs.

He's been there by €, 1 think he's be
going since long belore Cindy, with his
other wives."

You can't mind Webb," she admits.
"He's nice. Bur to tell the truth, 1 could
do without the Harrisons.”

“I thought you had a soft spot for

“1 hate him,” Rabbit says.
“You like him, all that vulgarity.
reminds you of bask
it’s not just him. Thelm
"How can she?
"The з
another woman can notice, I think she's
very fond of yo
“1 never noticed. How can she bez"
Stay olf Cindy. hell let it all out. He
tries to see those photograph
by hair in his
they аге fading. The way their bodies
looked golden at the end, like gods.
Janice says with a sudden surprising
stilfness, “Well, 1 don't know what yo
think's 10 happen down there,
t going to have any funny

out" he says, to
the subject.
at were you doing up there iu the

He answers prim
thing to happen th:
"Oh. Were you sick
"Heading toward it, I thought. That
brandy. Thats why 1 switched to beer.”
Cindy is so much on his mind he
not understand why Janice fails to пи
tion her, it must be di . MI that
blowing. Lord. The н control.
White gobs of it pumping in, being
Howed: those little round teeth and
hy low baby gums that show

ughs. Webb on front and him
und,

from behind, or the other way a
Harry doesn't care. Ronnie оре
the camera. His pr
high noon once more in

cloth.
he can get it up to their room intact.
But her mind has wandered far from
sex, for as they head. down through the
cones of limb-raddled light along Wil-
bur, she says aloud, “Poor Nebon. He
seemed so young, didn't he, going off
with his bri $
This town they know so well, every
mail-

curb, every hydrant, wh

box is. It gives way before th

NT
“how badly you yo
like that."

“We did what we could,” Janice says,
firm again, sounding like her mother.
“Were not God."
obody is" Rabbit says, scaring him-

mself go on,
self fucked up a kid

self.

“Your Chivas or mine?”

Chivas Regal + 12 Years Old Worldwide * Blended Scoich Whisky * 86 Proof. General Wine & Spirits Co., N.Y.

209

PLAYBOY

210

ЛЕТУ ЈЕУ

S MOTHERS

(continucd from page 100)

“A car has edged out a child on the ‘What I Want list,
whichis vintage materialism in any man's decade.”

just alter he returned from a fishing trip
late on a Wednesday afternoon. “I know
Bob thinks I have a fa Jim
said. "He always asks me why I don't
just forge ahcad. Bob rcally worries me.
It doesn't surprise me that he was work-
ing on Sunday, His apartment is just
like the water cooler at work, an exten-
sion to his real world of making money.

“I just can't relate to those bright-
young-men-with-a-future types—or even
to my old friends who have decided to
play out the script. I really envy people
who are making a living doing what
they love, but somehow I keep getting
caught in the money trap. What I want
to do doesn't produce any money, and
1 hate doing is financially reward-
ing. The only way out will be to dump
the need for I have actually
walked around my house periodically
and stared at the videotape machine
and tried to feel what it would be like
to take a sledge hammer to it. To de-
stroy it, to violently and cathartically
let go.

flaw,”

money.

“I'm very aware of how money fills
psychological gaps," Jim said wistfully
“When Fm most lonely, unsatisfied and
isolated is when J want to make and
spend money. I'm afraid to let go of the
cushion. And my brother thinks I'm
permanently disabled. That's heavy.”
.

Is it possible that in the land that has
been redefining the modes of material
acquisition and glorifying personal suc-
cess ever since it (the nation, not money
love) was invented—alter the cra of con-
spicuous consumption. after the postwar
boom, when every American drcamed
only of automobiles and babies, after
the flight to the lush suburbs, and now
after the war and Watergate, the Sixtics
nd the great re-examination of the past
ten years—the most materialistic time in

American history is now? "That's what a
recent report of The Roper Organiza-
tion says. It says that а car has edged
out a child on the “What I Want" list,
h i

je material

man's decade.

From the time of the nation's birth
through the dark days of the Great De-
pression, the ethic powering American
money love rested easily on the never-
ending search for God's will. Americans
who made themselves rich and died be-
fore the Thirties rarely perceived a con-
flict between the drive to make money
and the public good. Everyone
puritan when it came to accumulating
wealth.

Because of the obvious deprivations
that scarred people who lived through
the Depression, most members of the
baby-boom generation grew up regard-
ing their parents’ and grandparents"
psychoses and ardent maxims concerning
money as а product of that most money-
obsessed period in American history. But
a comparison of the psychological under-
pinnings of that anxious moment and
those at the headwaters of this ам
decade may help explain ruthless moth-
ers and psychological cripples

For one thing, the boom that defined
the material assumptions of the baby-
boom kids—despite the grinding poverty
that continued to exist underneath that
boom in the inner cities— r more
widely disseminated to ап ever-richer
populace than was the pre-Depression
boom.

Another big diference is that the
people most affected by the Depression

as a

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didn't really believe it would last. It
was an aberration, and few pcople
were looking into a long, bleak, cone-
shaped future such as has been presented
to the baby-boomers. And those who did
view the Depression and its attendant
financial obsessions as indices of society's
flaws still had comparatively unsullied
social theories such as New Deal liberal-
ism and socialism (and even communism
and fascism, for that matter) to lean on;
at the moment, there aren't too many
great ideas around, which tends to put a
shoulder into hope.

People were greedy as hell again after
World War Two. They stoked up a con-
sumer society such as the world had
never seen so they could “build a better
world together” and drive around in
convertibles. But they also gave a lot of
the national income away to people
Europe. They agreed as a society to do
things that were grounded in compas-
sion. They could afford it, too. They had
saved an incredible 140 billion dollars
through war bonds and savings accounts.
Theyd won a big war. They built nice
homes. They had children who would
never have to worry.

Everyone remembers money's prob-
lems in the Sixties; but in looking at
the new view of money facing the
Eighties, we can't skip the Seventies. As
Tom Wolfe has pointed out, many
Americans spent that decade learning to
separate themselves from the mainstream
of things that made them nervous. They
were thus aided in working on new ways
10 relate to cash—to covet it, lust for it.
The young people lucky enough to have
a Jot of money even discovered a brand-
new status symbol they could honk up
through rolled-up money—and the best
part about that powdery symbol of
wealth and taste was that it made them
feel like things were fime. Out in Cali-
fornia, one man made himself a
bundle running a clinic where people
chewed on money to overcome the guilt
of loving it so; and, better than t
ighties has provided another
n whose political movement. argues
that unfettered self-interest is nothing
less noble than a reincarnation of our
lost entrepreneuríalism, some hybrid of
an and Emerson king. The
icians even seem to be-
envy and greed are the very
fuel of the economy.

But the expanding capacity of the
baby-boom no-holds-barred, fud
you selfishness still, in fact, most clearly
separates this new genre of
from its original roots in this culture.
The Puritan ethic, which lined the souls
and purses of Americans for well over
200 years, was based on hard work,
thrift, acumen and shrewdness, sacrifice

voney love

and basic fairness all teaming up to
eventually reward a good American with
a pile of cash he could enjoy later on.

The bulk of the working publ
locked inside today's narrowing spire
will experience the whole package up-
side down. They have started with afllu
ence and will work up to sacrifice,
deterred material gratification, debt and
thrift. In inflationary economies, debtors
win and creditors lose, as Paul Blumberg
points out in his recently published
Inequality in ап Age of Decline. And
selfishness? The old Puritans couldn't
stand a person who was selfish. They
thought it the worst of earthly sins.

But why all the gloom? Dr. Richard
Easterlin of the University of Pennsyl-
vania says that the future will soon be
rosy—except. for the baby-boom gene
tion, which "carries its fortunes, good or
bad, throughout its life cycle.” Dr. East-
erlin contends that its money troubles
are aggravated by the sheer size of the
baby boom and that the people in their
ly 20s should brighten up, they'll be
richer, happier and more producti
than their older brothers and sisters.

“The payoff for this generation won't
come until the Nineties," says Tom
Hayden. “That’s when the Sixties people
will be running things. Until then,
everyone's battle will be squaring the
need for money with a personal and
moral position."

But for the baby-boomers, that's the
hardest fight of all. ТЕ it were simply a
process of growing up into the desire for
new luxuries, the personal problems
wouldnt loom so large, even for the
most committed moral bounty hunter
in the pack. I it were just a question of
learning to live with telling your friends
at a reunion how you “get money,
stylistic adjustment would be a lot e
Alter all, money was always an enigma
to people who had come to respect a
life predicated on actions that weren't
selLinterested people who had
come to believe from their own expei
ence that human happiness was not
necessarily derived from prosperity. The
big generation. never really did decide
what to think about money. The con-

also

was never for scientifically re-
puting it; money was just a

y possessed of such magical
of corruption that it was worth

power
ignoring—so it was ignored. It’s like we

used to tell Steven Shine: it wasn't our
problem.

Now it is. But the problem is the spire
itself in conjunction with all of the
other things that haven't worked out.
During my research for this article, I
decided to seek out one of my college
friends who had been heavily involved

in the college SDS chapter and was опе
of the most eloquent and passionate so-
cial critics of our circle. Members of the
right-wing Young Americans for Free-
dom on campus used to run into the toi-
let stalls and hide when he came into
the cafeteria. He was what we used to
call serious.

"Today he's an insurance salesman tak-
ing night courses toward his C.L.U. I
picked him up after class.

lt seems that around 1972, he di
vined that the rug was being pulled,
because he suddenly dove out of politics
into the underground economy ahead of
the pack and began to sell drugs. He
kept a two-bedroom apartment, one bed-
room of which was packed tight with
200-pound bales of marijuana. He
dressed like a pimp for a while, and
after making a bundle of cash, he
cleaned up the money and started a
small business of his own selling jewelry
That was just a year or two before bus
ness schools all over the country began
to offer entrepreneurial and venture
capital courses because the hippest of
the baby-boom people briefly hoped that
doing your own thing in business was
the way to work things out with money.

But as with so many who tried it, the
banks didn't come through for my old
classmate. Inflation ate away at his сарі-
tal base, he couldn't get help, the reces-
sion made people stop buying and taxes
ran profits down to nothing. So he
went bankrupt a few times before throw-
ing in the towel and turning to insurance.

He still uses the term bourgeois, but
now it is to describe his own lifestyle.
He's married, and his wife will soon
have their first child. “I decided to wy
to vote for President this time,” he said
over dinner, “After all the problems 1
l with taxes with the business and
all, I thought I'd vote for Rea
I saw Bill Moyers do a profile of R
on television. It showed how he made
over $500,000 in 1979 and gave $1000 of
it to charity. It showed him shouting
down tli
became q

that this was a man
ve a damn about people
without his opportunities.
1 thought, My God, what's
to me? I've cha

ppened
d, but not enough to
help this guy—and everything he stands
for—into the Presidency. With all the
changes since the Sixties, I ask myself
every once in a while if Гус sold out.
I've decided that selling out is when you
lie to yourself instead of to others—
when you convince yourself that people
are poor because of something in them-
selves,

"But money? I still hav
out. Damned if 1 ever will."

n't figured it

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214

(continued from page 96)

“I have become a symbolic figure in the Eighties as

a person who has reacclimated into the system.

222

Sixties, to stay out of the money ques-
tion would be a real cop-out. It would
mean they are unwilling to get to where
the power is and really attempt to make
a difference where it counts. I would
stayed in the myth of
Sixties and didn't want to adapt and
change with the times.

rtavnov: How do you feel about others
who shared your values in the Sixties
but haven't adjusted so well to the
Eighties?

kUsIN: There's nothing to say. Every-
one's got to lead his own life, Гап not
anyone's personal leader or guru. 1 have
become a symbolic figure in the Eighties
as a person who reacclimated into
the system, and 1 don't mind that. I
think its а good model for people. 1 re-
member writing а note to myself around
1973; it said, “Efficiency is not a capital-
ic plot.” Really. So many pcople in
the Sixties thought that to be inefficient
was to be ideali Getting the job
not a very high priority. Talk-
ing about it was higher. Well, screw
that. Philosophizing is fine, but even
Marx said that the point is to change
the world, not talk about it.

PLAYBOY: But what if they can't square
their need for money with some of the
values they developed in the Sixties?

RUBIN: Well, 1 think that's a healthy
dilemma. It's part of the dilemma of
life, and people just have to experience
it. I don't think it can be rationalized
away. I'm not really that much into
money, you know. I'm a salaried person.
I don't own any real estate, unless my
apartment goes co-op, and Im inst
that, because, frankly, Га rather pay rent.
PLAYBOY: Your apartment has recently
become the scene of some highly publi-
cized weekly gatherings. What's the pur-
pose of those parti
RUBIN: I'm creating a series of network-
g salons, which happen once a week in
my apartment. I invite all kinds of
people—professionals, top people in
their fields—to interact with
other. Each party is by special invitation
and referral only. I invite 30 people and
k them to bring a friend or two. It's a
weekly coming together, a series of par-
ties that ends up as а networking salon,
interlocking networks, and there will be
spin-off dinners where people can talk to
one another in more depth. Гус had
ten of these so far, and I intend to keep
having them for at least the next two
years. The parties aren't related to work,
but they аге my main hobby now. My
hobby is people.

onc an-

"By the way, whatever happened to Billy?"

PLAYBOY: Are there certain things you
wouldn't do for money? Anything ас
your work you just couldn't countenance?
RUBIN: I'm sure there аге things I
wouldn't do, but 1 don't think about
that. I only think about what I would
do. I don't have the attitude 1 did in
the Sixties, when I'd withdraw at the
slightest difference of opinion. No, Fm
into compromise and negotiation and
е good come out of every
situation. I'm thinking of writing a book
called How to Be an Entrepreneur.
"That's where I am right now. I believe
І was an entrepreneur of ideas in the
onal growth in the Sev-
entics, and 1 want to be an entrepreneur
of venture capital in the Eighties.

And, frankly, I don't sec any contra-
dictions. All these people who say Jerry
Rubin did this or did that—l think
they're blowing in the wind. Fm very
misunderstood out there. All that "Yip-
pie Went to Wall Street” business. First
of all, I'm more than a Yippie. I am who
I am. And, second, I didn't go to Wall
Street; I went to work for Ray Dirks at
John Muir, a firm that supports the
whole idea of small business. So I'm
through worrying about what other
people say about me. "That's a new form
of bondage, being a prisoner of your
image.

Now, one question you haven't asked
me yet that ГЇЇ answer for you is that I
have changed my viewpoint. I used to
be against busine: st the whole
idea of profit. Now I believe that since
we're not going to change the system,
let's uy at least in our short lifetimes to
reform it
rLAYBOY: Was there one moment when
you remember thinking, We're not go-
ing to cha
RUBIN: Т
ment. I do remember in the Seventies
thinking that being а busine:
very exciting, that businessmen make a
Jot of interesting decisions: the idea that
having money is a way ot keepin
has some functionality to it,

because.
moncy is very bottom line. It's right

there in black and white. The alterna-
tive is bureaucratic de
I saw enough of that in politi
ings to last me for a lifetime of depres-
sion.

PLAYHOY: Will you retain the values of
the Sixties after you've spent a lot of
time accumulating, pow
RUBIN: 1 "t make any statements
about what ГИ be like in the future. You
can judge somcone only by who he is
ind I've always been a committed indi-
ual. I don’t think that any external
change in my circumstances would
change that about me. Remember, some
of the greatest social reformers in our
time were wealthy.

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215

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‘The Ultimate Shaft) that Wind River Products, P.O. Box 577.
Siloam Springs, Arkansas 72761, is selling for $19.95, postpaid.
An Ultimate Shaft comes in three lengths—48, 56 and 63 inches—
and, like a fine old flannel shirt or a good pair of boots, it just
keeps getting better and better the more you use it. Take a hike!

MAIL-ORDER MOVEMENT
For ten ycars, the Golden Movement
Emporium, 417 Colorado
Santa Monica, California 90401, has been

the wozkl's largest purveyor of architec-
tural antiques sold at auction extrav-
aganzas that resemble a Busby Berkeley
musical. Now Golden Movement has
gone mail-order, and its five-dollar catalog
ck with goodies, including
375 stained-glass ceiling here.

ELECTRONIC LOOKOUT
Remember when you were a kid and
somebody was always the lookout? "That's
the role GBC Closed Circuit TV Corpo-
ration, 315 Hudson Street, New York
City 10013, has given itself. Its black-
and-white 12” TV is called the Look-Out,
and for good n; when someone
rings your doorbell, the set automatically
shows who's there. And you can talk to
whoever it is from your chair. The price
is $449.50. No, it won't mix a martini.

BOOB CUBE SOLVED
Rubik's Cube is a maddening,
multicolor puzzle, introduced
about a year ago, that has
more than three billion possible
combinations but only one
solution. IE you've failed to
return your cube to its original
solid-color sides, take heart:

A Ph.D. in chemistry research
who wishes to remain anonymous
has written Solution to the
Rubik's Cube, a 36-page booklet
available from Storc Enterprises,
P.O. Box 9139, Stanford, C
fornia 94305, Lor $3.50, which.
provides a step-by-step solution
that's guaranteed to work. Our
anonymous author's first in-
struction is to "choose your fa-
vorite color . . . and place and
orient the four edge cubes on the
face with this color at the
center.” We're lost already.

BEER AND SKITTLES
World Wide Games, P.O. Вох
450, Delaware, Ohio 43015, is an
anachronism. In an age when
most toys must snap, crackle
and dectronically pop, World.
Wide has gone back to the basics
and created a line of wooden
games that don't have to be re-
paired every six months. Our
favorite is skittles, an ancient
Chinese pastime played with
nine pins and a spinning top.
ish sailors, however, discov-
егей that beer went best 1
skittles, and we think you'll agree
after spending $91 for the 18" x
40" board. Cheers!

NO BELL PRIZE WINNER

"The Bell System may be dolling
up its basic black phone їп
spiffy new guises, but it took а
company called Haron Market-
ing (P.O. Box 75, Yonkers, New
York 10705) to put some zing
in the ring by offering a $59.95
device called Tele-Tunce that
announces a call h a few bars
from Beethoven's Fifth Sym-
phony, the theme from The
Pink Panther or a number of
pop tunes. Haron soon

will be offering more country-
and-western and movic-theme
opening notes, and they tell us
that installation and music
changes are as easy as dialing
information. You Say Goodbye
and I Say Hello, Good
Morning Heartache or Michelle,
Ma Bell, anyone

219

PLAYBOY

220

SOUTHEASTERN CONFERENCE

(continued from page 108)

“Three quarters of the sexually active girls have been
on the giving or receiving end of oral sex.”

else is even close. When asked what they
look for in relationships with men, they
make trust a three-to-one landslide over
such considerations as companionship,
intimacy, freedom, security and “steady
ses.

Eighty-five percent of our respondents
say they are not virgins; the most com-
mon age for giving up one's virginity is
18. Most of those who are sexually ac
tive have intercourse a few times a week,
with a few times a month the second
most popular frequency. One coed who
scribbled in "a few times per hour"
seems to have been too busy to fill out
the rest of the question

Three quarters of the sexually active
girls have been on the giving or recciy-
ing end of oral sex. Nearly as many have
masturbated а partner or let а partner
masturbate them. Even some of those
who say they are virgins have taken part
in oral sex and mutual masturbation.
Experience with anal sex, however, trails
behind.

It's uncommon, but not unknown, for
a Southern coed to share а bunk with

someone she first met earlier in the day.
This revelation can only add allure to
the concept of Southern hospitality. But
very few of the girls of the S.E.C. have
ever had more than a single partner in
one bed. Apparently, sexual impulsive-
ness doesn’t go hand in hand in hand
with ménages à trois

Religion appears to exert little influ-
ence on the sexual mores of S.E.C. wom-
еп. About half are actively religious
(Catholics, Baptists and Methodists are
the big three), but few cite faith as a
force in their lives, Several are still vi
gins because of religious beliefs,
ers feel guilty about sex but not cnough
to avoid having it. One Florida miss says
that church made her Гес] guilty
about having sex, so she stopped going
to church. (Trust us, folks, It's true.)

The — controlled.substances market
looks bullish in the South. Drug users
and nonusers are evenly represented
among those who sent back our survey,
but there may be a few heavy Quaalude
consumers who are still trying to find
the Mari,

her

mailbox.

and away the most popular campus flora.
Speed isn't big except during finals week.
[e пе hasn't cau on—students
aren't noted for affluence, after all.

While half the girls don't smoke,
snort or pop pills, just about everybody
drinks. The $.E.C. is a real stomping
ground for wine, but hard liquor and
beer slosh just behind. About 70 percent
of the coeds combine sex and liquor,
but only a third combine sex and drugs.
The majority feels sex is somewhat bet-
ter when one labors under an influence.
Passion while drunk or tripping is de-
scribed by some as “ethereal” or “spec
tacular,” but by others as either "too
sloppy" or “impossible to remember.”

We also asked the S. girls to tell
us their most unusual. collegiate sexual
experience, and those answers will be
revealed in next month's installment
(our researchers are still trying to make
sure some of the adventures described
are anatomically possible)

Tf this brief introduction to the sirens
of the Southeast leaves belles ringing in
your head—if it drives you to get into
d for the Bermuda-grass
triangle ol the S.E.C.—swe can offer a few
words of advice: Carry a football under
your arm, put a piece of straw in your
mouth, drink a lot of beer and don't be
surprised when you find some of the
most beautiful women in the world.

your car and ће;

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PLAYMATE
Gail Stanton
Vicki Witt

Rosanne
Katon

Monique
St. Pierre

Janet Quist
Candy Loving
Lee Anne

Michelle

Missy
Cleveland

Michele Drake
Louann
Fernald
Dorothy Mays
Dorothy
Stratten
Vicki McCarty

Ursula
Buchfellner

Sylvie Garant
Candace
Collins

Gig Gangel

Sandra Cagle

INTERVIEW
George Burns
Ted Turner

Sylvester
Stallone

Geraldo Rivera
John Travolta
Marton Brando
Neil Simon
Malcolm

Forbes

Wendy/Walter
Carlos

Dennis
Kucinich

Joseph
Wambaugh

Edward Teller

Pete Rose
Burt Reynolds

Masters &
Johnson
Al Pacino

Steve Martin

Patrick Caddell

SPECIAL FEATURE
Debra Jo Fondren
Secretaries Pictorial
Girls of the Pac 10

Bunnies of 78
Farrah Fawcett/

NFL Cheerleaders

25TH ANNIVERSARY
ISSUE

Girls of Las Vegas
Debra Jo Fondren
Pictorial

Private Life of
Marilyn Monroe

Monique St. Pierre

Patti McGuire
(Connors)

Candy Loving’s Back:

Women of Ivy League
Bunnies of 79

Condominium
Conspiracy

Raquel Welch

NFLs Sexiest
Cheerleaders

Suzanne Somers

ISSUE
MAR ВО

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MAY 80

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MAY 61

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AUG 81

PLAYMATE

Henriette
Allais

Liz Glazowski

Martha
Thomsen

Ola Ray
Teri Peterson
Victoria Cooke

Lisa Welch

Mardi Jacquet

Jeana
Tomasino

Terri Welles
Karen Price

Vicki Lasseter

Kymberly
Herrin

Lorraine
Michaels

Gina Goldberg

Cathy
Larmouth

Heidi
Sorenson

Debbie
Boostrom

INTERVIEW

Terry
Bradshaw

Linda Ronstadt
Gay Talese

John Anderson
Bruce Jenner

William
Shockley

Roy Scheider

G. Gordon
Liddy

Larry Hagman

George C.
Scott

John Lennon/
Yoko Ono

Tom Snyder
James Garner

Ed Asner

Elisabeth
Kübler-Ross

Steve Garvey

Robert
Garwood

George Gilder

Current $4.95 back issue price subject to change.

SPECIAL FEATURE

Bo Derek

Women of the Armed
Forces

Stewardesses

Playmate of the Year
Finding the Perfect 10

NFL Preview/
Bo Derek Encore

Girls of Southwest
Conference
Girls of Canada
Women of U.S.
Government
Sex Stars of 1980
Urban Cowgirls

Playmate.Roommates
Twins

Rita Jenrette
Uncrowned

Miss World
Playmate of the Year

Jayne Kennedy

Valerie Perrine

PLAYBOY

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RUTHLESS QUIZ,

(continued from page 97)
B. Victims of a ruthless capitalistic
system
C. Part of the international Com-
munist conspiracy
D. A potential market
Vhen you play racquetball, you:
Ч time on the court

A. Enjoya rel
w

B. Try to win more often than not
C. Hit corner shots whenever possi-

ble
D. Put mustard gas in your oppo-
тетш eye protectors
11. The most clevated title in the world
is:
A. President of the United States
B. Pope

C. Owner of the New York Yankees
D. Chairman of the Fed
12. As а young entrepreneur in high
school, уой:
A. Became an eagle scout
B. Worked asa lifeguard
C. Sold peanuts at football games
D. Took over the local pot franchise
13. Last December 31st, when your wife
was seven months pregnant, you:
A. Wondered if you would make a
good father
B. Took Lamaze classes with your
wife
C. Painted the baby's room
D. Induced labor to get the t;

x break

14. You regard sleep at night а:
A. Time to knit the raveled sleeve

of care
B. An Academy Award-winning

nightmare extravaganza
C. Fine if you have cnough "Ludes
D. Impossible; you're in the Hong
Kong stock market and you have
to sleep during the day
15. When you look in the mirror, you

A. Your own image
B. Nobody
C. Your butler, masseur and chauf-
feur
D. The other guy gaining on you
16. You come across a quiz about ruth-
lessness in your favorite magazine

p to the centerfold

ak a look at the answers

C. Assume you know more than the
people who wrote it

D. You blot out the by-line, claim
you wrote it and submit it for a
Pulitzer Prize

ANSWERS

1. D. A true ruthless mother does not
have time for the sloppy humanistic con-
cern for injustice as presented on 60
Minutes; the only Masterpiece Theatre
productions he watches are those plays
about corrupt Roman emperors; he sees
Wall Street Weck as a comedy show, with

(A public service of the Liquor Industry and this Publication.)

E
ji

anging ou

shouldn
give you a
hangover.

Don't drink too much of a good thing.
The Distilled Spirits Council of the United States.

1300 Pennsylvania Building, Washington, D.C. 20004

s the comedian who
ket for ten ye
Teresa comes close, be-

host Louis Rukeyse
has pumped a slow

2. D. Mother
cause she got a lot of dynamite money
with the Nobel Peace Prize: but face it.
she works with poor credit risks. Machia-

velli was a fawning Florentine writer
and Jerry Falwell is restricted in his ac
tions because he wants to look
matter how much money he makes

3. D. Actually, the editors had a big
argument about this one. Many said that
С was the correct
PLAYBOY editors, a salary that is "enough
10 live on” comes to about times
the current U, S. defense budget. Can
you tell this was written by an under

PLAYBOY

əd, no

answer, since for most

four

paid Contributing Editor?

1. D. No doubt about it: For the ruth-
less mother, David Stockman is the idcal
symbol. Kojak got himself. canceled:
Patton. never received the command he
thought he deserved: and Butkus played
in pain. Stockman, on the other hand, is
a man who spent the Vietnam war years
in Harvard Divinity School. Now, that's

pain avoidance!
5. D. The joke teller is basically weak,
willing to waste time and scek other

with a con-
freedom is [ar too sentimental
to qualify as а ruthless mother. As for
those of you worried about nuclear war
whats до sweat? Poland's in Europe,

people's approval. Anyone

cern lor

The Right Hair Style.
The Right Hair Products

Right Неге.

That's right. You can have your hair
styled and keep it looking great with
the right products, All you have to do
is head for a Rotfler Family Hair
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(average experience is 14 years) and
will style your hair exactly the way
you like it. It'll stay that way, too,
because they can supply you with
Roftler products that are formulated
specifically for your hair. Products

that keep your hair style looking sen-
sational—shampoo after shampoo.

Another thing. You'll get the same
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youtravel, from Pittsburgh to Portland.
Because Roffler is Rottier. Next time
you're looking for the right hair style
and products, look for the Roffler
Family Hair Center sign.

man. Who do you know over there?

6. D. Anybody who thinks that the big
individual investors in stocks operate on
anything but insider tips should send
$1000 to Dear Playboy so we can reserve
a scat for you on the next space shuttle,

7. D. OK, OK. Make it eight grams of
pure coke and a phone with Геп lines.

8. D. It would be smart to lake A, В
and C while doing D. Even a ruthless
mother has to worry about appearances.

9. D. A market for what? Well, try
these: a lat contract for your construc
tion firm to build public housi
bucks for your security firm as it protects
everyone living nearby: your wine-and-
liquor franchise: the kickbacks in health
services and social work you organize:
and. of course, the charitable deductions
you claim you make, etc. Hey, there's
profit to be made everywhere.

10. D. Mustard gas does come in liquid
form, and one tiny drop of it should win
you the club racquetball championship.
When you win, try not to smile when
people say of your opponent, "I just
don't understand George. He played like
he was blind out there

11. C. Ha! Fooled you, right? You
thought you perceived а pattern of D

g: extra

answers, you old technical-market man
you. But look at it realistically: In your
experience, who is ihe more ruthless

mother Paul
Volcker

12. D. Minor drug dealin
mon thread we find running through the
biographies of many ruthless mothers.
As a matter of fact, that is where
side” aated. It
from a ghetto phrase that goes like this
Hey, man, c

13. D.
that fatherhe
Lamaze classes are qui
sumi

George Steinbrenner or
See what we mean?

is a com

"supply

cconomics origi comcs

п you supply my side
The true ruthless mother knows
« cannot be defined, that
nt but timecon-
and that you can always paint
But to get the kid
dropped belore midnight on. December
31st? Now, that’s estate planning!

M. D. In case you're wondering, the
Hong Kong stock market has been one
of the hottest markets in the world this
if you've

the baby’s room

past year; so changed. your
sleep patterns to stay up and watch your
ticker tape [rom the Far East, you're
probably a real winner

15. D. Yeah, it could be "the other gal
gaining on you," but you'll just have to
get used to that, As the workpl
comes more liberated, it’s likely that
there will be quite a few ruthless moth-
ers who are really mothers.

16. D. Willing to win at any price, the
true ruthless mother would have no hesi
tation in submitting work that wasn't his
own—and if, by chance, he were caught

€ be-

in the act, he'd say what he always says
You

in such situ
ding—what a coincid

ot to be kid.

ons

The Season Belongs to Jantzen
” " ی‎

P vd

2 =
Autumn Fashion Breakthrough.

Tour Swe етан e

E deli m elu chi ved mith [jetspuni

air-textured Orlon” acrylic fibers DuPont calls Jet-Spun Mit
Attracqvely priced at about $33.50

en. Ine Portland. Or

225

PLAYBOY

226

RIDGEMONT HUGH

(continued from page 10)

“Brad was the best fryer at the best location, and that
was what was important at Ridgemont High.”

King? Why not McDonald's
in-the-Box?

Тһе answer was simple enough, as
Brad himself would tell you. Their food
wasn't as good. And places like Burger
King were always giving awa ses and

Or Jack.

cater all kids who came whip-
игин оп their bi-
Too

McDonald's was good only if you had no
other choice or if you just wanted fries.

Jack-in-the-Box was suspect because all
the food was precooked and heated by
sun lamps. It was also common knowl-
edge that the whole Jack-inah
ranchise was owned by Ralston Purina,
the well-known dog-food manufacturer.
Kentucky Fried Chicken was too boring
nd Wendy's was too close to Lincoln
High School.

The top-ol-Ridgemont-Drive Carl's Jr.,
on the other hand, had achieved that
special balance between locati and
food quality. At Carl's. the burgers were
char-broiled. That crucial fact not only
meant that the meal was better but it
returned a little bit of the

fastfood pow-
er to the kid behind the counter. A guy
like Brad felt like а т chel.
"Hey, Brad," people were
ng to hi our fries
than McDonald's.”
“You k

lways say
better

re ехе

Brad would say, as if
they were, act, lus fries.

Brad had his own method
was the best. Working the fryer at Ca
governed by beeps. One
high beep—the fries were done, One
low—change the ой. But Brad didn't
even have to go by the beeps. He knew
when the fries were perfect. He knew
when to change the oil and he knew
fryer.

Being the main fryer at Carl's meant
that everybody had to be nice to you.
"The other workers depended on Brad
orders, The only real problem
came when company sales were down
d the franchise added а "specialty
item, such cheese steak or The
Gobbler (sliced turkey breast on a freshly
baked roll with mayonnaise and butter).
Forget it, That stuff took forever to make
And some recreation-center clown with
a whistle around his neck would always
come nd order 75 of th

But Brad the calmest guy
building.

“I need eight double cheese, Brad!”

“No problem.

“I gotta go. Can you bag them

“Go ahead and take olf."

was а syste

for th

afia

in the

When Brad was a sophomore, he
wanted to be a lawyer. His parents were
delighted. His school counselor sct him.
п an apprenticeship program with a
law firm. He was there three weeks
nd became disillusioned. He'd gone to a

inallaw defense attorney and asked.
him a question: "IE you got a guy freed
on a lide technicality, even though
you knew he had committed a murder,
wouldn't t сепсе for
rest of your life
"Why don't you try corpor
was his answer.

be on your cor

awyer from Redondo Beach G:
lectric. It was so boring that he'd
taken up drinking coffee. He had decided
not to think about what to do now that
his “lawyer phase" had ended. Right
now, Brad was the best fryer at thc
best locati ound, and that was what
was important at Ridgemont High
School—especially for his senior year—
and things like lunch court.
ө

‘The topic of conversition at the center

of lunch court today was the Mr. Hand—

Spicoli incident, Thre ls later, it
had been blown imo enormous propor-
tions.

“He almos pulled а gun on Mr.
Hand." said Brad. “Spicoli had a piece
on ame right over to me

ng and told us.
one of his rs
"Dick off or ‘Suck

nical draw

“He just got right in Mr. Hand's face,"
id Brad. "and he goes"—Brad con-
torted his face as he re-created the mo-

Hand didn't do anything. Spicoli
he'd tried ng, he would have pulled

He ain't coming |
Brad.
But Spicoli would be back with a new
ld card the next day in all his glory.
The lure of lunch court was too great
eve him.

On the outskirts of lunch court sat
Linda Barrett and Stacy Hamilton. Not
too close to the inner sanctum, not too

for

far away. Linda, cheese sandwich in
hand, casually pointed out some of the
Ridgemont personalities to Stacy.

ee over there,” she said. She nodded
to a frizzy brown-haired boy accepting
cash from a small crowd of students

around him. “That's Randy Eddo. He's
the Ridgemont ticket scalper. He prob-
ably ^ more money than both of
our dads put together."

“Really? A ticket scalpei

He says he's not a
provides a service for ce
that the service costs extra money."

“I see.”

Linda went on to explain. Although
Led Zeppelin was still king of the Ridge-
mont parking lot after ten years, each
new season brought another band dis.
covery. A new group then influenced the
set lists of the Ridgemont school dance
bands. and usually опе main-focus rock
маг dicated the drew code. This year
that star was the lead singer of Cheap
young man with
ir cut in bangs just
This year in Ridgemont
re three Robin

above his cves.
lunch court, th
Zander look-alike

“None of them
noted Linda.

A couple, arms around cach other's
waists and oblivious to everyoni
past her and Stacy
Now. that.” said E
Adams and Cindy Сат

The school couple.
терк Adams was equal parts sensitive
drama student and school funny guy. He
looked like a contestant on. The Dati
Game. Gregg's jokes never got too dirty,
his conversation never too deep. He just
strode down the hallways, said hi to
people he didn't know and methodically
wrapped up all the leads in the school
drama presentations. Everyone. including
Gregg, was sure he would be famous one
day.

talk to each other,”

ada,

ly Carr was a clear-complexioned,
untroubled Midwestern beauty. She was
a cheerleader, coming from a part of the
country where cheerleaders still meant
something. She did not leave her room in
the mornings until she believed she com-
pared favorably with the framed photo
ja Newton-John on her wall. She
t-time hostess in a Chinese res-
nt where a singer named Johnny
Chung King sang nightly.

Both Gregg and Cindy were n
of the tecth-baring sn t. more
than anything else, was the true sign of
а high school social cli known as
the sosh. The teeth-baring sosh (long O)
began as a glimmer hen the
sosh chin quivered, and then the entire
sosh face detonated into a synthetic grin.

jsually accompanied by a sharp “Hi.
n that Gregg and Cindy
had taken to its extreme.

Ihe Gregg Adams-Cindy Carr story
was thick with tales of overwhelming
devotion. When one was sick, the other
spent every in-between period on the
pay phone, talking to the one at home.
Every day, ded across lunch
and holding each other.
re the king and queen of the

Lock yourself in a room and
smoke a few of your regular cigarettes.

Boring, right?
Now come out and
turn оп the stereo. Pour yourself
a nice cool beer. Then open a
pouch of DRUM. Roll the rich
imported tobacco into our slow,
even burning DRUM paper. Now
light up. There are 59 more
surprisingly mild smokes where
that came from.
Апа ай still bores you, Wi
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public display of affection, or P.D.A.
Every lunch period, they would take
their prescribed seats in lunch court and
gaze longingly at cach other for whatever
was left of the 26 minutes.

“If there's one thing that never
changes," commented Linda, "irs a
cheerleader."

"Think they're actually doing it?

No way they can't be doing it.

“J just can't picture it,” said Stacy

with a shrug.
my parents.
heyve got to be doing it,” said
Linda, "or else Gregg would be blue
in the face by now

“I sec a little green but no blue.”

Linda bit into her cheese sandwich.
“Everything starts to look green around
here after a while," she said.

They're too much like

ATTITUDE,

It was one of the cruel inevitabilities
of high school, right up there with
grades and corn dogs. After 13, girls
tended 10 mature two to three times
faster than boys. This led to a common
predicament. Two kids were in the same
grade. The girl was discovering sex and
men. The boy, having just given up
his paper route, was awakening to the
wonders of Gothicstyle romance. High
school could be murder on a guy like
M rhe Rat” Ratner, 16.

He was not blessed with the personal
success or the looks of a Brad Hamilton,
Ratner, high school

love,”

a in
clutched his heart, spun in a
landed on his buddy Mike Damone's
bed. It was after school, three weeks
into the school year. “In looooove."

“Oh, yeah?”

“Oh, yeah,” said Ramer. “This girl
is my exact type. Its her. Its definitely
her."

"les definitely your momma,” said
Damone distractedly. He was in the

middle of his after-school ritual. Every
day, Damone went home, set his books
down, mixed himself a tall Tia Maria

and cream and blasted Lou Reed's live
Rock ‘n’ Roll Animal album on the
family stereo.

“Damone, you gotta listen to me.”
Ratner turned serious very quickly. In
high school, everyone had a coach. For
Ramer 1 Damone
wasn't even paying attention. "Come on,
Damone

They were both juniors and both
lived in Ridgemont Hills, but Ratner
and Damone were nothing alike. Mark
“The Rat" Ratner, a pale kid with dark
hair that tilted to one side like the
leaning tow of Pisa, had lived in
Ridgemont all his life. He had lived in
the same house and gone to the neigh-
borhood schools, of which Ridgemont

this was D:

опе,

High was one. Ratner was even born in
University Hospital, just across the
street from his house.

Mike Damone was darker, with longish
black hair parted in the middle and a
wide, knowing smile. He was a transfer
from Philadelphia, “where women are
fast and life is cheap.” Damone and
The Rat had a perfect relationship.
Damone talked and The Rat listened.
“АП right,” said Damone. "All right.”
He straddled a chair in his room facing
The Rat. “Tell me all about

"OK," said The Rat. "lt started out
just a typical day. I had to go to the
Associated Student Body office to get my
student Т.р. I was thinking about other
things, you know, and then I saw her.
She was incredible! She was so beautiful!
She's a cross between Cindy Carr and
Cheryl Ladd! And she works right in
the A.S.B. office" The Rat shook his
head in awe. “This is going to be such
а great year!"

Damone sat listening to the story,
ting for morc. There was no more.

s that it?” said Damone. “You didn't
get her name or anything?”

"No. It's too soon."

It's never too soon," said Damone.
"Girls decide how far to let you go in
the first five minutes. Didn't you know
that?’

“What do you want me to do? Go up
to this strange girl and say. ‘Hello! Га
like you to take your clothes off and
jump on me!
ne nodded

head. “I would,

иск you."

“I can see it all now," said Damone.
“This is going to be just like the girl
you fell in love with at Fotomat. All

you did was go buy film;
even talk to her.”

“What do you do, Mike? Tell me.
You're in a public place and you see
a girl that you really like. Do you just
stand there and give her the eye? Or
do you go up to her and make a joke
or something? I mean, you're a good-
looking guy, you know these thing:

“OK. OK.” Damone sighed, but he
He got up
orderly
aker,
ry and a
1's uten-

you didn't

pacing his room,
de cubicle with one huge sp
large poster of Deborah Ha
newspaper photo of a mor
sils. "Usually, I don't talk to the girl. I
put out a vibe. 1 let her know. I use my
face. | use my body. 1 use everything.
It's all in the twitch of an сус. You just
send the vibe out to them. And I have
personally found that girls do respond.
Something happens."

"Yeah, Damone, but you put the vibe

out to thirty million girls. You know
something’s gonna happen.”
hat's the id Damone.

“That's the attitude."

You hear about it under a multitude
of names. The knack. The ability. The
moves. The attitude. In any language,
it is the same special talent for attract-
ing the opposite sex, and Damone ар:
peared to have it

They had met at Marine World, the
famous ne amusement park outside
Orange County. Ratner had gone in,
applied for a job. and they had given
him Dining Area Duty, an auspicious
sounding responsibility that consisted of
scraping the birdshit off the plastic out-
door tables. He didn't think it was that
bad, though. Tt was fun for Ratner at
Marine World and there was a real

227

PLAYBOY

spirit among the young workers. All the
employees got together for functions like
beer-keg parties and softball games, and
everything would be just fine until some-
one asked The Rat what his department
was.

“Hi. I'm Leslie from the Killer Whale
Pavilion. Who are you?"

“I'm Mark from Dining Area Duty.”

“Oh.” And the same look would inevi-
tably come over the other Marine World
employee's face, a look that said, So
you're the guy they got. "Well, Mark
uh, ГЇЇ see you over there sometime.
Byel"

The Rat always had trouble recovering
after that. Making new friends, it
scemed, was not his particular forte.
Girls had been out of the question most
of his life.

It sccmed to The Rat a matter of fate
when Marine World personnel dropped
Damone into Dining Area Duty as his
new partner. On the first day, The Rat
didn't speak to Damone and Damone
didn't speak to him, On the second day,
The Rat broke the ice.

“Hot day toda

Damone looked up from the table he
was scrubbing and smiled. "Sure is."

Then his eyes glazed over. He opened
his mouth to say something, but nothing
came out. Damone turned pale and fell
over backward, landing on a lawn area.
He appeared to go into shock, beating
his head on the grass and making tongue-
Jess noises with his mouth. Several cus-
tomers gathered around.

“Someone do something!”

"He's having a fit!”

“Can anyone help that boy?”

Ten more Marine World visitors ar-
rived to gawk at the young worker flail-
ing on the ground, The Rat rushed over
to Damone's side and bent down to ask
how he could help. And then, just when
Damone had a huge audience, he popped
back up again, He was the picture of
complacency.

"I'm just not myself today,” he said. It
was Damone’s special stunt.

Damone was fired after only three
weeks at Marine World, but not before
he had made fast friends with Ratner.
To The Rat, Damone was а one-of-a-
kind character. But it was beyond the
Twitching Man act that Damone used.
on occasion to rip up whole restaurants
and shopping malls. To The Rat, Da-
mone was someone to study. He was a
guy with a flair for liv life his way,
and that particularly fascinated Ramer.

What was his secr

“TIl tell you wha: ," Damone said.
“It's the attitude. The attitude dictates
that you don’t care if she comes, stays,
lays or prays, Whatever happens, your
tocs'll still be tappin’. You're the coolest
and the cruelest. You've got to have the
attitude.”

228 То Mike Damone of Philadelphia,

everything was a matter of attitude. Fit-
ting into a California school was no
problem for him. Once you had the
attitude, Damone said, success was never
again a matter of luck. It was simply a
question of whether or not you behaved
as if it were yours already.

The attitude. The Rat and Damone
had been sitting in fourth-period biology
a couple of days into the new school
year. Damone leaned over. "Aren't you
hungry?”

Starved,” said The Rat.

"Wouldn't you love a pizza right now?”

"Don't torture me.”

A few minutes later, there was a knock
at the front door of the classroom. Mr.
Vargas had been giving a lecture. He
paused to answer the door,

"Who ordered the pizza’
impatient del

* asked an
yman for Mr. Pizza.

did

Damone waved his hand.

back here.

‘The class watched in amazement as the
deliveryman took his steaming pizza to
the back of the class and set it on. Da-
mone’s desk. Damone paid for it, even
pressed 50 cents into the deliveryman's
hand. “This is for you,” he said.

Mr. Vargas looked on, bewildered,
while Damone and The Rat began eat-

ing pizza.
n I the only one who thinks this is
strange?" asked.

The attitude.

Damone had put on a classic display of
attitude the day alter hearing of The
Rat's dream girl at the A.S.B. counter.
Ratner chose to watch from behind the
bushes on Luna Street while Damone
cruised by for an official check-out.

He had meant only to look, but Da-
mone went right up and said hello to the
girl. The Rat's girl. She and Damone had
a three-minute conversation that The
Rat couldn't hear. Then Damone had
tapped his hand on the A.S.B. counter
once and turned to leaye. He walked
back over to The Rat.

"She's cute," said Damone,
doesn't look like Cheryl Ladd.”

“Fuck you, Damone.”

“Her па i y Hamilton,” he
said. "She's а sophomore, and she's in
beginning journalism. What more do you
need to know?”

“She just told you that?”

"Sure."

"EH tell you something,” said The
Rat. “I really think something could
happen between this girl and me.

"You ought to meet her first, you
wuss.”

(Wussy was a particularly expressive
word that had sprung up in Paul Rc-
vere Junior High and taken a foothold
in the Ridgemont lexicon. ft was the
handy combination of wimp and pussy.)

The next day, The Rat had it all
planned. He waited until the period he
knew she would be wi g at the
.B. office, He walked slowly over to

but she

the 200 Building, down the hall to the
corner office. It was a green counter,
with a glass window in front.

And there she was! Stacy Hamilton.
Both she and Mike Brock, the football
jock, were finishing up with two stu-
dents. There was only one other kid in
front of The Rat. It was a 50-50 chance.
A p shoot!

Brock finished first, and the other stu-
dent went to his window. Fantastic, The
Rat thought. Then Stacy finished and
looked at him.

“Next.”

But just as The Rat stepped up,
Stacy's A.S.B. phone rang. She picked up
the receiver and held a single finger up
to Ratner. It was a call from the front
office, and the conversation stretched on.
The third attendance bell rang, but The
Rat stayed.

Brock finished with the other student.
“Over here,” he said.

And what could The Rat say? No, you
thick asshole. No, you stupid jock. Tm
already being helped, you penis breath.
No. The Rat didn't say any of those
things. He chose the wussy way out.

The Rat shrugged and went over to
Brock. He asked Brock something ludi-
crous, some lame thing off the top of his
head.

“I was wondering where the Spirit
Club meets,” he mumbled.

“1 don't know," said Brock. “You
oughta look on the big bulletin board."

“Thanks,” said The Rat.

He turned to go.

“Oh, sir?” She had gotten off the
phone and called out to him. “I think
the Spirit Club meets on Tuesday after
school in room four hundred.”

“Thanks,” said The Rat. He turned
around again. “See you later.’

She called me sir! He was overjoyed.
The way The Rat figured it, she would
never have done that if she wasn't in-
terested in him.

б
none shook his head sadly as he
heard the whole story, incident by inci-
dent, over Cheetos in lunch court. "Is
that it?
t's better than yesterday.’

“Yeah, Rat, but you just opened the
door 3 le bit. And then you let it
slam back shut again. You gotta talk to

n't do it tomorrow," said
‘Tomorrow makes you look

Damone.
too eager."

“I know," said The Rat. "I know.
T've got to have the attitude.”

But for a guy like The Rat, the idea
of waiting another two days was crim-
inal. He felt there was nothing he could
possibly do to fill the dead timc. What
was good enough on TV? What w:
teresting enough. down at Town Center
Mall? What record or book could ever

PLAYBOY

230

be interesting enough to take his mind
off her?

In Spanish dass the next day, some-
one offered The Rat а vocabularylab
headset. He was a zombie.

"You know wl said The Rat. "I
ve a shit what happens to Carlos

THE LEARJET 15 WAITING

Two days had passed and The Rat
awoke, bathed in the attitude, Today
was the day. He knew it.

‘The first three periods of the day flew
by. By now he was getting to know
Stacys whole schedule. The last bell
rang and The Rat strode out the door
of Spanish class, down the halls to the
A.S.B. office.

And there she was. Except she was
talking with five other guys. They were
all standing around, leaning over the
counter, smiling at her. The Rat took it
in stride. He was all form. He took a
swig from the nearby drinking fountain,
very casual, They were still talking with.
her. She was smiling back.

Then it hit The Rat. What if a lot of
guys asked her out? What if muscle-
bound jocks hit on her all day long?
Worse yet, what if she went out with
Brock? Maybe The Rat wasn't even
good-looking enough to try.

He felt the cold fear of rejection
spread through him, It sank the attitude
like a harpooned beach toy. He turned
and walked to his next class.

Later that week, The Rat and
Damone went to the first school dance
of the year.

"Have you scen Stacy here yet

“I don't think she's coming," said The
Rat. He kicked at the sawdust that was
covering the gymnasium floor. "She's
probably not the type who goes to
dances.”

The Rat

had combed his hair into

submission. Damone was carefully ar-
ranged so that he appeared ultracasual—

ing to the cheesy high school band per-
forming its v ake It to the
Limit.

A beautiful y
walked by them. The Rat
had been punched in the stomach.
you see that girl? Jesus.”
ou a sy with gi
Damone. They're just...

such a w
с on.

Cah? You ought to hear my sister
and her girlfriends talk someti Youd
never call one a girl again. They talk
like truck driver

Damone rolled his eyes and

огей

“That gii Look at he
over therel"
“Where: 1 Damone.

“Over there by the metal chairs.”

was so cute

“Well, do something about it,” said
Damone.

"Like what?"

“Just what I said, do something about
it. You think she's cute? Do something
„about it." Pause. "You wussy.”

The Rat stared at Damone. His eyes
glazed over with a sense of purpose.

"Don't let them fool you,” said Da-
mone. "They come here for the same
rcason we do."

The Rat draped his fatigue jacket
over his shoulder like a French film.
rector. He began to swagger toward the
girl.

“Rat,” said Damone. "Ace the coat,
OK?"

Damone took

“Now you look OK.
The Rat walked straight over and sat
down heavily on a metal chair two feet
away from the girl. She was watching
the band.
“You,”

said The Rat. The girl turned
around. “Sit.” The Rat tapped the alu-
minum chair next to him with the palm
of his hand. The attitude.

The girl shivered, as if the night air
had given her a bad chill. She scurried
over to some friends at the other end of
the gymna n.

Damone went over and sat on the
"It's a start," he said.

By Monday morning, The Rat had a
plan. Not another day was going to slip
by without his meeting Stacy. He sat
grimly through all his classes, prepar
lor the attack. Then came fifth period,
her A.S.B. period on Mondays. The Rat

chi

he w

Hi,

I alone. Doing nothing.
said Ratner.

"I have two ques-
tions. I was curious. . . ." He felt thc
beginnings of the same old cold panic
but barged through with his rap, a
way. “What do you do with the old
combination locks around here? I left
minc on before we switched lockers. . . .""

“We cut th aid Stacy.

“So they re gone.

“Well, no," she said. She reached un-
der the counter and pulled out a bucke
Iul of old locks. “They're here.”

“ГЇЇ never find it in there.

“Some people do.”

“It's cool,” said The Rat. “It'd take
too much time." He chuckled to himself,
as though he had too much attitude to
be bothered with such smalltime stuff as
Jocks. He affected a look that said, The
Learjet is waiting.

“Well, OK," she said. She returned the
bucketful of locks under the counter.

“My second qu said The Rat,

m ol

She smiled. "Stacy
"Hi. Fm Mark." He stuck his hand

through ine hole in the window.
to mect you, Stacy."

A BITCHIN’ DREAM.

Jeff Spicoli had been having a dream.
A totally bitchin’ dream,

He had been standing in a deep, dark
void. Then he detected a sliver of light
in the distance. A cold hand pushed him
toward the light. He was being led some-
where important. That much he knew.

As Spicoli drew closer, the curtains
suddenly opened and a floodlit v
was revealed to him. It was а wildly
cheering studio audience—for him!
and there, applauding from his Tonight
Show desk, was Johnny Carson.

Because it was the right thing to do,
and because it was a dream, anyway,
Spicoli gave the band a signal and
launched into a cocktail rendition of
AC/DC's Highway to Hell. When it was
over, he took a seat next to Carson.

"How are ya?" said Johnny, lightly
touching Spicoli's arm.

“Bitchin’, Johnny. Nice to be here. I
feel great.”

“I was going to say,"
“your eyes look a little red."

"I've been swimming, Johnny."

‘The audience laughed. It was a fa-

id Carson,

"Yes," said Spicoli, "and may а эм
ming beaver make love to your mast
ing siste
"That broke Johnny up. Spicoli re-
crossed his legs and smiled serenely.
"Scriously, Johnny, business is good. I
was thinking about picking up some
hash this weekend, maybe go up to the
mountain:
"D want to
school." said С
"School." Spicoli sighed. "School is no
problem. АЙ you have to do is go. to get
the grades. And И you know anything,
all you have to do is go half the timc."
“How often do you go?”
"I don't go at all,” said Spicoli.

lie bit about

k a

rson.

The audience howled again. He is
Carson's favorite guest.
“I hear you brought а film clip with

you,” said Carson. "Do you want to set
it up for us?”

“Well, it pretty much speaks for it-
self,” said Spicoli. "Freddie, you want to

“Johnny,” continued Ѕрісо
the action down at Sunset Cliffs at about
six in the morning.”
кейсин

А tiny figure appea
the wave.

“That's me,” said Spicoli.

The audience gasped.

You're not going to ride that wave,

you, Jett?”

s at the foot of

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“You got it,” said Spicoli.

He catches the perfect wave and it
hurtles him through a turquoise tube of
water.

"Whats going through your mind
right here, Jell? The danger of it all?

“Johnny,” said Spicoli, “I'm thinking
here that I only have about four good
hours of surfing left before all those
little clowns from Paul Revere Junior
High start showing up with their boogie
boards."

The audience howled once again, and
then Spicoli’s brother—that little fuck-
er—woke him up.

BRAKING POINT

Tt was always a special treat for ‹
to round the corner of the 200 Building
and see the blinds drawn in health-and-
safety class. It meant that Mrs. Beeson

асу

cgular clock-watching routine.

The next question, of course, was,
How long is this film? And that was an-
swered easily enough on this day with
one look at the spool. Today's film was
popping off the end, it was so full.

"Lets all settle down quickly," said
Mrs. Beeson. “This is a long driver'sed
film. It's been a few years since we had
on campus. It's called Braking Poin
I? Would you get the lights, ple:

Mrs. Beeson had gone through almost
every tide in every audio-visual catalog.
She had seen them all, several times, and
once she got a film rolling in her class,
she usually spent the period in her cubi.
cle at the back of the room.

More than a few students in health
and safety had mastered the technique
of checking the film spool, waiting for
Mrs. Beeson to retreat into her cubicle,
then slipping out the door only to re-
turn minutes before the film ended. Mrs.
Beeson would be happy—her class was
always refreshed and invigorated when
the lights came back on after a film.
mes even the hard-core truants
stayed in class if the film was interesting
enough to them. The last health-and-
had been a vintage antidrug
ated by Sonny and Cher. It
called Why Do You Thin
Call It Dope? In the dramatic 1
of the film, Sonny and Cher app
themselves and addressed the came:

“You think marijuana is I
asked Sonny, as the picture g
and nondescr

fuzzy
ipt. “How would you like
í your doctor took a smoke before
operating on you? How would you like it

if your mechanic smoked a joint before
working on your car? How harmless is
it then?’
When the lights came back on, a few
guys from auto shop were deeply affected.
"Hey," one of them said, "Sonny had
a damn good point."
.
Braking Point, like so many public
service films for high school students,

had a celebrity narrator. Desi Arnaz.
‘The film began with a typical suburban
street scene, as seen through the front
window of a slowly traveling car.

"Driving is an important part of each
and every one of our daily lives," Desi
began in his Latin accent. The car in
the film accelerated. “It's a responsibility
like no other, and it's a matter of life
an ii

A ball came bounding out onto the
street. The driver in the film braked but
failed to turn his wheel to the right. The
film freeze-framed the face of the u
fied child about to be splattered.

"Death.

There was a swell of music. It was
somehow hard to take seriously a driv-
er'sed film hosted by Ricky Ricardo.
They have found The Braking Point."

Dack to the serenity of a quiet subur-
ban street scene.

“The driver here,” continued the nar-
ration, "has had just two drinks. Just
two drinks at the home of a friend.”

"He's fucked ир, Ricky!" someone
shouted.

"Get him out of the car! He's a fuck-
in’ drunk!

Continued the narration: "And al-
though this driver thinks he's driving
well, he may be doing ОК, but he for-
gets to perceive whats really going
ей.”

In the film, another car came barrel-
ing in from the left, running a stop sign
and exploding into the side of the two-
drink goner.

“Adiós muchachos!”

Braking Point c
cendingscale-of-bloodsh
popula

ued in th
d fashion so
s. The class
got rowdier and rowdier. When an en-
tire family was maimed and a woman
decapitated, the audience reached a
peak,

“So gross?”

"Fuck it! I don't want to drive!"

"Help! Ricky!"

Mrs. Beeson emerged from her cubicle
at the back of the classroom. “Carl,” she
said, “do you want to get the lights,
please? I think we've all had enough
today... .’
The Jights came back on in Mrs. Bee-
son's health-and-safety class. As usual, a

in driver'sed fi

Where is Stacy Hamilton
And where is $
? What happened to Tony
Where did all these people go?

THE RAT MOVES IN

A student could mark his time by cer-
tain events that passed during the school
was homecoming, then
the world series, then Halloween and
Thanksgiving, all working up to that
coveted 14-day Christmas vacation. Like
any other school, Ridgemont High made
a big deal of the Christmas season.

The classrooms were decorated in tinsel,
the windows frosted with spray snow.
Some teachers brought in trees. It all
meant two things. First, it was a season
to rejoice. Second, the race to vacation
was on.

The Rat sat in biology watching the
clock. Only three more periods until
Christmas. v
until he was sure Stacy would be lost
lorever. He made the decision sitting
in Youth and Law. Today was the day

Alter class, Ratner walked by the
A.S.B. office and there she was, working
side by side with Brock. As usua

Her eyes. She had the greatest eyes.
And her hair! It was just great the way
it fell onto her shoulders. .. .

Stacy finished. “Next,” she s:

Hi," The Rat mumbled.

Hello. How are you doing today?”

"Pretty good,” said Ratner. His glance
turned directly downward. Те was as if
nothing in the world could get
him to look up at this girl with confi
dence. "| was wondering when basket
ball tryouts started, I missed it in the

ation; three more classes

THE HUB CAP THAT LOCKS
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Who would have thought you could find a wire wheel hub cap this nice

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bulletins. that could resist being stolen? Well, here it is, our triple chrome plated,
“Let me check,” said Stacy cheerfully Convertible Wire Wheel Hub Covers with optional locking adapter.
She shuffled through some papers. “Mon- We make your car a nicer place to drive.

day. They start Monday in the gym."
I guess,” said Stacy. “Ate you going petes ustom.
away?” 90745 / AN ALLEN

Ratner looked up. “Maybe,” he said
1t was a well-known fact that cool people

never around during Christmas
vacation. ^How about you
Stacy gave а sour look, “I don't know, à

she said. “I think I have to stay here in
Yuktown.” "

И ever there had come a time for the
attitude, The Rat figured, it was now

“Hey,” he said, “how about if E give you
ll over Christm
ure,” said Stacy. “That would bc

s vacation?

теш,” said The Rat. He watched as
she tore off a piece of an envelope, wrote

DON’T HOLD YOUR BREATH!

her phone number on it and pushed it

through the hole in the window, Take

it slow.

"Good luck with tryouts.”

“Thanks,” said The Rat, all attitude.
“And maybe TIl talk to you over. vaca
tion."

The Rat nodded а cool goodbye,
turned the corner and banged into a
trash can

COLLEGE ORIENTATION WEEK

The last week in April was College
Orientation Week. For five days, repre-
sentatives [rom city, state and junior
colleges came to the Ridgemont campus
to speak to the students. Afternoon as
semblies were held in the gym, manda
tory for seniors and optional for
underclassmen.

Brad filed into the Thursday assembly

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PLAYBOY

Southern California. He took a scat in
the bleachers with the rest of his period-
four Englishcomposition class and
watched as David Lemon, onc of his old
Carl's buddies, tested the podium micro-
phone:

All year long, Brad had delayed mak-
ing any decisions about his life beyond
senior year, though somehow he knew
he would end up in college. To him, the
thought was like a dentist's appointment
or a visit to a crotchety relative—he
could always put it off another month.
This, after all, was to be his cruise year,
and he had intended to consider life
beyond high school only after he had a
maximum amount of fun. Now everyone
was going around talking about college
арр] us and essay questions, and
Brad hadn't even gotten his cruise year
into gear. College Orientation Week
made him nervous.

The presentation began with Prin

pal William Gray. "Now, I realize,” he
began, “that it's getting near prom time
and the end of the ycai The audi-

ence of seniors laughed and cheered,
interrupting his prepared speech, and
Brad joined in. Somehow, Principal
Gray had uttered the magic words prom
time and end of the year.

Principal Gray smiled and acknowl-
edged the cheers. "High school is about
having fun,” he continued, “but it’s also
about preparing yourselves for the cross-
roads of Ше...”

The laughs and cheers died out.

One thing about Principal Gray, Brad
thought, he sure knew how to kill a good
time. He talked for several minutes
about the importance of college and
mentioned that many students, such as
Cindy Carr and Steve Shasta the school's
soccer star, had already been accepted by
the college of their choice.

Then coach Hector Ramirez took the
podium and, looking as though hc had.
been lobotomized for the afternoon, said.
that “even big-time sports takes а back
seat to big-time education,

Hallway the bleachers from
тоир of guys started laughing
ng onc another. Brad knew
them from mechanical arts. They were
another group from the outs!
the constr

down

“Construction is

aim was,

where the bucks ^" You could bet
they weren't headed for “bigtime educa-
tion,” Brad thought.

The main speaker of the afta
was a red-haired woman, 40ish, wea
‚ peach-colored suit. She was
head career counselor from USC and
the first thing she said was, "Don't be-
lieve the jargon about Ph.D.s driving
taxis—a great education will get you a
great job.

Its easy," she went on,

о ignore

234 the issue of college while you're having

fun in high school. But going to college,
especially a school like USC, is like mal
ing a big investment. There's a lot of
work involved, but the dividends you
reap аге enormous. And who's to say we
can’t make college fun for you, too?"

Brad sat there, listening, and in the
back of his mind he realized what was
bothering him about College Orienta-
tion Week. It was one long parade of
adults, and the thrust of all their pres-
entations was, Yeah, we know high
school's one big party, but now it's time
to gel serious. Didn't they understand
how tough it was to work, to go to
school, deal with teachers and then with.
assi ї managers, with parents and
with customers, and then with the lunch-
court crowd, too? Hey, he felt like say-
ing, who's having fun? Life isn't like
Happy Days.

"The important thing," the woman
{тош USC concluded. "is to fall in love
with your work. There's always room at
the top for the best. You'll suffer for
your vocation, but you'll be happy.”

Now, that made Brad feel better. He
was already several weeks into а new
job, and even though it wasn't the best
location in Ridgemont, it was at least a
job that gave hin fryer duty. That
his specialty. That was what he did. He
was a fryer, and he was the best!

Still, after College Orientation Week,
Brad began 10 get а nagging
his mind. In it he was 40 years old, wear-
ing an apron and working in a burger
stand. He was surrounded by junior high
school kids, tell him his fries were
still the best.

A LATE-NIGHT
PHONE CONVERSATION

Linda and Stacy
the phone more than
"Linda," asked Stacy, "what makes a

gentle.
He really is. He goes for your neck and

your mouth . . . you just go, 'Ohhhhhh.’

“Aggressive, Like Bob, who used to
work at Swenson’s. Remember him? He
attacked me in front of Jack in Jack's
Camaro. He tried to get Doug mad by
giving me a hickey."

You never told me this.
“He never gave me the hickey.
"Did Betsy know about that?
“Betsy doesn't know about half the

shit Bob doe:

"I don't know," sighed Stacy. "I think
nt to find somebody funny. The
have a sense of humor, And
be well built. . . .”

And good in bed.”

You never can tell that.”

" said Linda, "whatever hap-

pened to that Mark Ratner?”

“Nothing. He's around. He's real nice.
His friend is pretty cute.

"High school boys," said Linda. "No
matter what they look like, they're still
high school boy:

BLOW-JOB LESSONS

A new girl from Phoenix, Arizona,
had transferred into Stacy's child-devel-
opment class. She looked a little scared
stand at the front of the class. When
Mrs. Melon placed her at Stacy's table,
Stacy decided to make friends with her.

Her name was Laurie Beckman. She
was a doctor's daughter. She wanted to
e horses. She was a friendly girl, if a
little shy, and she wore braces.

Stacy had introduced her to Linda
Barrett and the three had taken to eat-
ing lunch together. It wasn't long before
Laurie realized what a gold mine of
sexual expertise was sitting before her
every lunch period. Within two weeks
s already into the hard stuff.
you see that movie Carrie?"
asked Lau
‘Travolta gets that girl to
blow job?”

“Yeah.

"Yeah.

“Do you do that?

Stacy looked at Linda.

“OL course,
know how:

“No. Not really." Pause. “They don't
alk about it in sex ed.

“It'S no big deal,” said Linda.
a banana to lunch tomorrow and ГЇЇ
show you."

“Do you know when John
ive him a

The next day, Laurie brought a ba-
nana to school. The three girls sat down
together on the very outskirts of lunch
court. Linda peeled the banana and
handed it back to Laurie.

ow, what you've got to do," she in-

structed, “iy treat it firmly but carefully.

Move up and down and hold it at the

bottom.”

Vhen am I supposed to do this?
“Do it now
"Give it a try,” said Stacy, in fine

deputy form.
Laurie looked с

then to the lett.
bana

sually to the right,
hen she mouthed the

she asked.

Her braces had created wide divots
down the sides of the һа

“You should try to be a little more
careful." said Linda. She watched as
Laurie tried again, with similar results.

"D have a question," said Laurie.
"What happens?
What do you пи

“What happens . . . I mean, Гуе never
asked anyone about — this—righ?—
and ...and don't laugh at me, OK... Р

ust say it, Laur
“OK, like when a
gasm....” аш

guy has an or-
е sighed heavily. “You

ЖИЛ prow

“OK, let's run through it again, ma'am . . . you reach around
and grab the choking victim like this... ."

PLAYBOY

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know .. . I've always wondered . . , how
much comes ои?"
Linda leaned
Laurie in both eyes. “Quarts.”
“Quarts?” Laurie's eyes popped.
асу slugged Linda. "Don't do that to

forward and stared

"OK... not that much,"
»out it. Really

“You shouldn't worry
rie looked relieved as she stared
down at the peeled ba still in her
hand. From the two opposite ends of
lunch court, Steve Shasta and Mark Rat
ner watched the blow-jab leson. The
Rat had no idea what was going on.
Shasta had a wide grin on his face.

IT'S UP TO YOU, MIKE

Stacy caught up with Mike Damone
on his way to the bus stop. "Can 1 walk
you home?” she asked.

“I was going to take the bus.”

"Let's walk.”

“OK.” he said. Might as well give her
a taste of the Damone charm, he thought.

They made some small talk about how
all the sophomore guys blasted K-101,
the Jamest station in town. Then Da-
mone just said it point-blank:

“You know Mark Ratner really likes
you, don't you

“I know,” she said.

They walked on

“Do you like him?" asked Damone.

"They arrived at Stacy's house. "I like
you,” she said. “Do you want to come in
for a second?"

“Do you have any iced tea?"

“I think we have some

“OK.” He was just going inside for an
iced tea, Damone told himself. “You
know Mark's a really good guy.”

The the kitchen
while Stacy fixed two iced teas

“I really like Mark, too,
handing Damone the tea
nice boy

"He's a good guy," Damone said

“You want to take a quick swim

"Well

"Come on

stood around in

said Stacy,

He's really a

Brad probably has some
trunks you can borrow. I'm going to my
room to change!”
She's going to her room to change.
"E think 1 better go," said Damone.
"Don'! You don't have to shout!
You can come back here to my room!"
She's asking me into her room while

she changes.
was standing there
s go to the ch
sce if there are some trunk
“L think I better go,” said Damone.
3 said Stacy, “you're just а

n her bikini
g room and
she s;

id Damone.
aid Stacy. Things were work-
just as she and Linda had

"t no tease,"

ing out
planned.
They went into the changing room

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237

PLAYBOY

238

and Stacy locked the door behind her.
“Arc you really a virgin?” she asked.

Damone could fe
shake the slightest bit.

“It’s OK.” Stacy walked over and
Kissed him.

“I feel pretty strange her
mone. “Because Mark really
He's my friend.”

He kissed her anyway. Standing there,
feeling Stacy in her bikini, feeling her
kiss him, Damone felt some of his reser-
vations slip away.

“You're a really good kisser,” she said.

“So are yor

“Are you shaking?”

“No,” said Damone. “Are you crazy?"
But he was. The Jast time Mr. Attitude
had gone this far on the make-out scale
with a girl had been with Carol back in
Philadelphia. Carol had let him reach
into her pants and touch her, but just
for a second. That had been enough
back then. That had been enough to
make him feel like he and his brother,
Art, could really talk about women. But
this... this was The Big One.

‘Why don't you take your clothes off,
Mike?

“You first.”

" said Da-

And as if that made it emotionally
even, they both stripped at the same
time. Stacy unhooked her top and
stepped out of her bottom. She
went to sit down on the red couch in
the changing room.

She watched Damone hopping on one

leg, pulling first out of his pants, then
his Jockey underwear. Then he caught
the underwear on his erection and it
slapped back into his abdomen. He sat
down next to Stacy, expressionless.

“Are you OK?

"I'm OK," said Damone.

She reached over and grabbed his erec-
tion. She began pulling on it. The feel-
ing of а penis was still new to her. She
wanted to ask him about it. Why did it
hurt if you just touched it one place and
not at all at another? But later she
would ask him that. For now, she just
ked on it. Damone didn't seem to
mind.

“I want you to know," said Stacy,
“that it's your final decision if we should
continue or not.”

"Let's continue,” said Damone.

As Damone lost his virginity, his first
thought of his brother, Art. Art had
said, “You gotta overpower a girl. Make
her feel helpless.”

Damone began pumping so hard, so
fast—his eyes were shut tight—that he
didn't notice he was banging the sofa,
and Stacy's head, against the wall.

“Hey, Mike,” she whispered.

“What? Are you all right?

"I think we're making a lot of noise.”
I'm sorry. I'm really sorry." He con-
tinued, slower.

Whata considerate guy, Stacy thought.
He was kind of loud and always joking
around other people, but when you got
him alone . . . he was so nice.

Then Damone stopped. He had a
strange look on his face.

“What's wrong?"

“There is one oral contraceptive that is 100 percent
effective ...it’s called fellatio.”

"I think I came,” said Damone.
"Didn't you feel it?

He had taken a minute and a half.

They were unusual feelings, these
thoughts pooling in Damone's head as
he lay on the red couch with Stacy. He
was a little embarrassed, a little guilty . . .
mostly, he just wanted to be alone. He
wanted to get the fuck out of there.

“Гуе got to go home,” said Damone.
“Гуе really got to go."

inda as soon as he left.
Linda an-

Stacy called
"Where did it happen?

swered her phone.

"On the couch. In the changing room."

. I could
have made the final decision, but I left
it up to him. I said, ‘It’s you, you make
the final decision. And he said, "Why
по?"

“Did you talk afterward?"

“A little. He said he was relieved.”
are you guys boyfriend and girl
friend now?”

“I don't know,” said Stacy in a sing-
song.

"How do you feel?"

"Guilty." She laughed.
“Did he call you уе?”
Lin-da. He just left."
You know, Stacy, that when someone
asks him on his deathbed who he lost his
virginity to, he'll have to say you. He'll
remember you forever!”

PHONE CONVERSATION

“So,” said Stacy, "he says all these
sweet and wonderful things to me when
were alone. But when anyone else is
around, he's Mr. Cool.”

"Did you talk to him last night?"
asked Linda.

"Yeah."

“What did he say? Did he call you?”

“1 called him. I just called him and
said, ‘Guess what? He said, “What?” I
. ‘I'm reading our English assign-
ment and I just realized we're all going
to die someday . . . we're all dying’ I
said, ‘Do you realize that, Mike? And
Mike goes, ‘So what?’ I said, ‘Doesn't it
bother you that even if the nuclear re-
actors don't react and kill us all, we're
ЗШ going to die? Doesn't that bother
you" He goes, ‘No.’ He says that pain
is what bothers most people, not death.
And doesn't even bother him.

"Wow," said Linda, "I didn't know he
was that deep.”

THE RAT FINDS OUT

Tt was just a feeling that Ratner got.
There had been a bunch of than sitting
around at a cookout down on Fiesta
Island. It was a group that was form-
ing—Stacy, Linda, Damone, Ratner,
Doug Stallworth, Randy Eddo and

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PLAYBOY

240 was a dance for Ma

Laurie Beckman. They had bee
a good time, but there were little hi
that The Rat didn't quite understand.
Damonc got up to leave. "I gotta get
to work on some chemi: he said.
"Come on, Mark."
The Rat got up to lea

mone. He heard an odd conversation
behind him.

“That Damone sure works hard,"
cracked Eddo.

He gets to play a little, too," said
Linda. "Doesn't he, Stacy?
There were knowing giggles. Giggles
that made Ratner think, When he
reached the car, he mentioned it to
Damone.
“Hey, is there anything between you

“No.”

Damone shook his head.
Really?”

y not really

“Let me tell you something, Mark.”
Damone sighed. * irls just
go haywire. I went over to Stacy's hous
10 go swimming once—l ve been trying
to think of a way to tell you ever since,
‘cause you're my bud—and we started
messing around and. . . ." Damone

shrugged. "Something happened. It's
nothing serious, and it’s all ove

‘The Rat said nothing.

“I don't like her as a girlfriend,” said

Damone.

The Rat said nothing.

“I don't even like her as a friend that
much. She's pretty aggressive.

The Rat started shaking his head.
“No, Damone. 1 don't understand.”

“She wasn't really your girlfriend,”
mumbled Damone.

Hey, fuck you, Damone. There are a
lot of girls out there, and you mess
around with Stacy. I can't believe you.
What have you got to prove

I'm sorry,” said Damone.

“I always stick up for you," said The
Rat. “I always stick up for you. Whe
ever people say, “Aw, that Damone is
loudmouth’—and they s
say, "You just don't know Damone
When someone says you're an idiot, I
tell them they just don't know you.
Well, you know, Damone, maybe they
do know you pi ey good. And Im just
finding ou
c." said Damone. "Get lost."

Ratner walked away and vowed never
to speak to Damone again. It didn't
е sense to him. For all the time The
Rar had spent talking and dying over
girls, he would never consider ruining
his friendship with Damone over any
one of them. Friendship—wasn't that
what jt was all about? Apparently not to
Damonc.

Ratner kept to himself at school for
the next several weeks. His first social
appearance since the Damone incident
ine World workers

a
that a lot—I

held at a local hotel. The Rat wore his

green Army fatigue jacket and sat in a
corner.
Two Marine World co-workers stood

at another p Where's
Mark Ratner?

"He's over there," s the other,
"looking like he's going through Vi
nam flashback or something."

WAR GAMES

There had been a poll taken in the
Reader earlier in the year. The question
had been, “Would you be willing to go
to war to defend American interests in
the Middle East?”

Overwhelmingly, from liberals to re-
actionaries, the basic student response
was, "No way. I wouldn't go to war
unless America was attacked.”

But you had to wonder just how sin-
cere that was when Mr. Hand began his
most popular class exercise, the five
weeks in January when his class played
War Games.

War Games was а Mr. Hand inyen-
tion, built as a large-scale version of the
popular home game of world domina-
tion, Risk. Each player-student was al-
lotted a number of armies, and his own
method of strategy, combined with the
ional luck of the die, led them on
their course of conquering the U.S. his-
tory class.

War Games brought out the maniac
in some students. This was a ime when
the kids who carried briefcases to school
reigned. They could barely wait until
U.S. history, when the moves began
again.

“How are you doing?”

S a. I'm going for
the entire continent today."

“Are your armies in good shape?"
re you kidding? I'm going to blow
their heads off, cat their flesh and drink
their blood!

"OK, Delbert, see you at lunch."

"Yeah."

Spicoli was, naturally, one of the frst
players to lose all his armies and sit
doodling for the rest of War Games.
problem?” Mr. Hand

Boredom,” said Spicoli.

2" said Mr. Hand, "the
world war will be fought out of
boredom.”

А LATE-NIGHT
PHONE CONVERSATION

“There's one thing you didn't tell me

about guys, tacy. "You didn't
tell me that they can be so nice, so
grea... but then you sleep with them
and they start acting like they're about
five years old.

“You're right,”
tell you about that,

aid Linda. "I didn't

THE AFTER-PROM

It was an uphill battle all the way,

but Evely nd Frank Hamilton had
finally given in on this one. For Brad.
The kids wanted to have а prom party
at the house and the Hamiltons agreed
to stay in their upstairs bedroom.

Brad had thought ahead to spike the
pool with Wisk, and by the time kids
started arriving at one o'clock, the whole
pool was one big steaming bubble bath!

It turned out to be onc of the hottest
after-prom parties. Everyone was there.

There were some—the shy ones—who
stayed in the kitchen. I’m watching the
piza. I don't want to go swimming.
But most went for it on prom night.
They stripped out of their carefully
chosen gowns and Regis Sevilles and
Regencies. Even Shasta took off his exalt-
са mistblue Newport II. Everyone put
on a bathing suit and dove i

Graduation time brought in nameless
faces from all over. Jerome Barrett,
Linda's brain brother, arrived from
USC, chain-smoking joints. Then there
was Gloria, Linda's best girlfriend from
grade school. She'd come in from Chi
cago for a few days. And there were
the usual types you saw only at parties.

Damone and Ratner were also at
Brad's afterprom party. They I
been speaking since last April, but to-

hell.
‚ Rat,” said Damone. “I'm т

sorry about what happened. I know 1
shouldn't have done that to a buddy. Fm
cally sorry.

“L understand,” said The Rat. "You
can't help it. You're just lewd, crude,
rude and obnoxiou

They laughed, shook hands.

Eventually, the 20 kids amined into
the Hamilton Jacuzzi. Then Brad, who
had finally convinced his date to shed
down to her bikini, reached into a bush
and withdrew two bottles of rum from
Mesa De Oro Liquor.

“AU ritiiiiitiiight?”

The first bottle was passed around the
Jacuzzi, and before long the glow of
teenage drunkenness—however faked or
real—came over the cramped little Ja-
cuzî party.

Damone felt something. Someone had
bbed his dick! He scanned the faces
n the Jacuzzi. It wasn't Stacy! Not only
wouldn't she do that to Damone, not
n, but she was in the kitchen watch-

ng the pizza

Who was it?

“I'm going under," said Damone, He
feigned a drowning man. "I'm dying. . .
blub."

He slipped underwater, a daring move
in the overcrowded Jacuzzi, but he was
looking for clues underneath thc bubbly
water. Who had grabbed his dick? No
clues.

He popped back up again. "I'm alive!”

Somcone grabbed his dick again.

Later, everyone retired to the living

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241

PLAYBOY

242

room for coffee and making out to a
soundless TV. Before long, Brad had
passed out by the stairs, rum victim
number one.

Damone had gone out by the pool to
Jook at the night sky.

“Hi, Miki

He turned around. It was Brad's date,
Jody. She was still wet, hugging herself
to keep from shivering.

“How are you?

“Pretty good,” said Jody. “Brad passed
out by the stairs."

“I know.”

She stood next to him, breathing soft-
ly and saying nothing in the way gitls
do, Damone knew, when they wanted
you to kiss them. It was Jody! It had to
be Jody he felt underwater!

He thought. She was great-looking.
Should he go for it? He sure wanted to.

I'm going to go inside," said Da-
mone. "And check on the pizza.
.

Later, the few who were still awake
went to nearby Mt. Palmer to watch the
sun rise. It never rose on that foggy
morning, and nobody seemed to mind.

“You wait till our prom,” Damone
told The . “We'll have an even
better time.”

“Yeah. That was pretty nice of Brad
to throw а party. He's probably going
to have to clean it up himself."

When he wakes up

"Hey," said The Rat, "le's go to
Scven-Eleven and get some coffee."
sreat ide; said Damone.
take the Prickmobile.”

Damone and The Rat rolled down the
hill in Damone's scratch-marked car. It
was that magical hour when the mist was
still out and the sky was turning deep
blue.

“Let's

ALOHA, MR.

ND
It was nearly the end of the line. The
wards were about to be announced,
mimeographed capsand-gowns infor
tion had gone out to the seniors, along
with Grad Nite tickets. The annuals
were almost ready. Spicoli was count
the hours.

Since Spicoli was a sophomore, an
underclassman, there weren't many grad-
uation functions he could attend. To-
night was one of the few, and he wasn't
about to miss it. It was the Ditch Day
party, the evening blowout of the day
that underclassmen secretly selected

toward the end of the year to ditch en
n

sse. Spicoli hadn't been at school all
па now he was just about ready to
leave the house for the party out in Del
Mar. He hadn't eaten all day. He want-
ed the full effect of the special hallucino-
genic mushrooms he'd procured just for
the poor man's Grad Nite—Ditch N

Spicoli had taken just a little bit of

one mushroom, just to check the poten-
cy. He could feel it coming on now a
he sat in his room, surrounded by his
harem of naked women and surf posters.
It was just a slight buzz, like a few hits
off the bong. Spicoli knew they were
good mushrooms. But if he didn't leave
soon, he might be too high to drive be-
fore he reached the party. One had to
craft his buzz, Spicoli was fond of saying.

Downstairs, the doorbell rang. There
was an unusual commotion in the living
room.

“Who is it, Mom?"

“You've got company. Jeffrey! He's
coming up the stairs right now. I can't
stop him!"

‘There wa

“Come і

The door opened and Spicoli stood
in stoned shock. There before him was
The Man.

Mr. ... Mr. Hand."

‘That's right, Jef. Mind if 1 come in?
Thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Spicoli,” Mr.
Hand called back down the sti He
took off his suit jacket and laid it on the
chair. “Were you going somewhere to-
ht, Jef?”

Ditch Night! I've gotta go to Ditch
Night!"

“I'm afraid we've got some things to
discuss, Jeff.”

There were some things you just
n't see very often, Spicoli was think-
ing. You didn't see black surfers, for
example. And you didn't sce Baja Riders
for less than $20 а pair. And you sure
didn't sec Mr. Fucking Hand sitting in
your room.

“Did I do something, Mr. Hand?”

Mr. Hand opened his briefcase and
began taking out lecture notes. He laid
them out for himself on Spicoli's desk.
“Are you going to be sitting there?

I don't know. I guess so."

“Fine. You sit right there on your bed.
TH use the chair here." Mr. Hand
stopped to stare down last month's
Playmate. "Tonight is a special night,
Jeff. As 1 explained to your parents just
a moment ago, and to you many times
since the very beginning of the year, I
don't like to spend my time waiting for
students in detention. I'd rather be pre-
paring the lesson.

According to my calculations, Mr.
Spicoli, you wasted a total of eight hours
of my time this year. And rest assured
that is a kind estimate.

"But now, Spicoli, comes a rare mo-
ment for me. Now I have the unique
pleasure of squaring our accounts. To-
night, you and J are going to talk in
great detail about the David Amend-
ment . . . now, if you can turn to chap-
ter forty-seven of Land of Truth and
Liberty...”

"Would you like an iced tea, M
Mrs. Spicoli called through the

‘ knock at the door.

Jeff was still orienting himself to what
was happening. Was he too high? Was
this real? He was not going to Ditch
ight. That was it. He was going to
stay in his room tonight with Mr.
Hand . . . to talk about the David
Amendment.

Га love some iced tea,”
Hand. "Whenever you get the time. .

Now, Mr. Hand had said theyd be
there all night, but at 7:45 he wound up
with the battle of Saratoga and started
packing up.

“Is th

MES

“I don't care what you do with your
time, Mr. Spicoli.”

Spicoli jumped up and reached to
shake Mr. Hand's hand.

"Hey, Mr. Hand," said Spicol
I ask you a question?”

“What's that?

“Do you have a guy like me every
year? A guy to .. .J don't know, make a
show of. Teach the other kids lessons and
stuffz"

Mr. Hand finished packing and looked
at the surfer who'd hounded him all year
long. “Well,” he said, "why don't you
come back next year and find out"

“No way,” said Spicoli. “I'm not going
to be like those guys who come back and
hang around your classroom. I’m not
even coming over to your side of the
building. When I pass, I'm outa there.”

“If you pass.”

Spicoli was taken aback. Not pass?
No thumbing up the Coast, meeting
ladies and going to Hawaii for the dyno
Summer school? “Not
passing?” he said.

Mr. Hand broke into the nearest thing
to a grin, for him. It wasn't much, of
course, but it was noticeable to Jeff. His
ps crinkled at the ends. That was plen-
ty for Mr, Hand.

"Don't worry, Spicoli," said Mr. Hand.
“You'll probably squeak by.”

"АП right!”

“Aloha, Spicoli."

“Aloha, Mr па."

Mr. Hand descended the stairway of
the Spicoli home, went out the door and
on to his car, which he had parked just
around the corner—always use the ele
ment of surprise. Mr. Hand knew one
day next year he would look to that
green metal door and it would be Spi-
coli st; He'd act like he had
a million other things to do, and then
he'd probably stay all day. All his boys
me back sooner or later.
nd drove back to his small
ment in Richards Bay to turn on
his tclevision and catch the evening's

ive-O rerun.

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TARZAN & BO

(continued from page 147)

ch of conversation—first John, then
Bo, then John, then Bo —until the
thought is complete.

And it's apparent fn the big things
too, such as Tarzan, the Ape Man, their
n movie. To h them recount how
Tarzan came to be—with Bo as star and
producer and John or and al-
ost everything else—you get а m
iled picture of the Dereks as a te:
most sounds as if it’s John
inst the world.

S Tarzan project started as а no-
Чоп in Johns head called Me, Jane
VIAE searching for an appro-
iate vehicle for Bo's lai
after the success of "10.
k she should portray life," John
"E think she should portray {а
sies. I mean, I think there аге enough
people who are doing Dog Day After-
noon and the heavy kind of shit. Why
ask the audience to buy her as an actress
when she does not come with those
credenti,

Unfortunately, Warner Bros. owned
the rights to the Tarzan property and
had plans of its own that didn't include
the Dercks. But John, who fended
through the jungles of Hollywood long
enough as an actor to know that there's
always a loophole, had their agent call
MGM, which had produced many of
the old. Tarzan movies back in the Thir-
ues, And, true to John’s hunch, MGM
had maintained the rights to remake
one of the old series, Tarzan, the Ape
Мап, їп ded Жы Maureen.
] Johnny Weiss
is nica ДЕЙШ. it's one of
the few Tarzan films that. focus on Jane.
nt 60 per
story of Jane,” John says of the or
nal. "She's а very liberated kind of
and more than half sexy all ale pugh it

MGM signed the deal.
of protest from Wa

, John would direct, am an
t that was greeted with some
in Hollywood.

“I guess L come to them with a crazy

perspe
If John as director raised a few cyc-
brows, imagine the consternation Bo's
appointment as producer caused—after
all, she's a 2 old with minimal
experience even as an actress. But with
ne on the marquee, MGM felt
film
budgeted at $5,500,000, a mere pittance
in today's Hollywood.
Once John and Bo a
tion Lanka, they s
more waves. MGM had

proved a staff

“Thank you very much, Mr. Gray, but I'll do those.”

245

PLAYBOY

246

for the Dereks to use on the film; but
within days, that staff started returning—
most fired by the film's producer, Bo,
on the grounds they were not dedicated
or able enough to meet the pair's
standards.

"Everybody kept saving, "You can't
get rid of those people. My God. you're
out in the middle of nowhere, halfway
around the world,” recalls John.

"Whenever we let responsibility out
to someone else, we found that we
should have done it ourselves," says Bo.
know that sometimes I'd much rather
stay up a little later and do something
myself than have someone around you
can't count on. These people came to
us wanting to do the film, to be
volved. But when it came time to really
work, they forgot about what they'd
said and deceived us. And they're never
hurt, these people. That's the sad thing.
They've already been paid exorbitant
sums. They've already got their first-
s round-trip ticket home. Even when
you fire them and send them home, you
feel you've been taken.”

As key crew members—several pro-
duction managers. an auditor or two,
et al—streamed back to L.A., Bo and
John either filled the slots with loyal-
ists or did the jobs themselves. Bo
signed checks and accounted for every
cent that was spent. John did his own
merawork and set up his own lighting.
Those who didn't agree or didn't share
the Dereks’ penchant for working long
hours found themselves out of work.

Meanwhile, MGM'S top bras stuck
by the Dereks. "I think they wer і
ipating trouble," explains John.
had the right to take the director off
the picture, but they were happy with
the material coming back.
hey were fantastic,” agrees Bo.
Jt was, however, one of Bo's de

that caused the couple the most grief.
When John first suggested the idea of
Me, Jane, Bo countered with Lee (Para-
dise Alley) Canalito as Tarzan. John
agreed and, as the deal progressed, Cana-
lito was approached to audition.

Both John and Bo liked him and, in
a typical exchange, they explain why

John: “He looked like an able man.

rom certain places, he had a
gorgeous face.”
John: "Every once im a while, he'd

look like a cla drawin,
“Like the illustrations of Tarzan.

John: “Like the great illustrations, not
the comedic illustrations.”

Bo: “The really old ones.”

But there was a problem. "He was
overweight, considerably overweight,"
ms John, who extracted a promise
from Canalito that he'd be in shape in
time for filming.

Because Canalito had suffered an in-
jury, MGM wamted the Dereks to at least
look at other candidates. One of those,
Miles O'Keeffe, stood out, and as the
decision got down to the wire, John
started ıo opt for O'Keefle, while Во
voted for Canalito. Bo we

"Sce, I'm 51 and Bo is 24," explains
John. "Obviously, she's going to be
here—if all things go right—a lot, lot
longer than I'm going to be here. I'm
going to defer to her, not because
subservient to her but becaws
fucking life. She has the longevity to
ry about, not 1. And she's the one
who allows us to be in a position to
make a picture with a major studio. So
I think she should be allowed to do i

But according to the Dercks, C:
didn't lose the necessary weight,
ad the difficult job of telling him.

Т spoke to Lee,” recalls Bo.

And 1
, "We told you that if you weren't

“I miss soul food.”

"Tarzan when the time came, we wouldn't
use you as Tarzan. We're not going to
close our eyes and ignore it. We're going
to do something about it’ So he knew
what was coming. He just didn't believe
it would really happen. He said, "Well,
maybe I should have had more time.” As
soon as he said that, it wasn't difficult
anymore. He had known about the film
year to get in shape.
nder for heavy
shape i
“Lee was in the best shape of his life,”
says Reggie Turner,
t, he lost 12 pounds in Sri Lank:

Turner refuses to say more about
the incident, but gossips had a field day
when Lee was sent home and Miles
O'Keeffe summoned to replace him, One
report said that John fired Canalito be-
cause the actor became overenthusiastic
during his sex scenes with Bo. “If the
udience can be aroused to some degree,
I think they should be,” maintains John.
“And I don’t think what goes on up
there is coming into our bedroom. 1
have a fatter ego than that, a better re-
lationship with her than that.’

Bo still refers to the hiring of Canalito
as her “biggest mistake," and John's not

bove pointing that out. "If she hadn't

lipped off, we would have gotten rid of
him before we did, which would have
ed us an enormous amount of money,
ause we wouldn't. ...”

Bo humbly finishes the sentence, "We
wouldn't have had to pay him."

Nonetheless, both are happy with
O'Keeffe. "He just has this glorious,
glorious, fucking body," enthuses John.
"Nobody can deny his body —man, wom-
an. dog, priest or anything. You've got
10 Вір over this guy's body

Both John and Bo are adamant that
theyll work only as а team in the future,
including their next project, The Sea
Mistress, an $8,000,000 feature starring
Во as a female pirate. John will contin-
uc to direct and sometimes write, Bo will
produce and star, and woe to any crew
member who doesn't understand the
Derek method of making movies. In fact,
the only change either Derek can see
that someday Bo will step totally behi
the camera and produce while John di-
тесі another actress.

"Film making interests me a lot;
more than acting, thats for sure," says
Bo. "Like John says, I'm hot and that
brings power. With my being involved
in the films, il they're no good, it's my
It. I can't blame it on а producer ог
studio. And that's nice.”

John also sees her strengths as a
producer. "Everybody says, "Сес, she
k to me now.’ She does it be-
has the credentials to talk
k. She comes up with things that arc
for me fantastic," h
bouncing bos

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BREWED AND BOTTLED IN CANADA:

ume ) imported by Martlet Importing Co., inc., Great Neck N'Y

WHAT'S HAPPENING, WHERE IT'S HAPPENING AND WHO'S MAKING IT HAPPEN

GEAR
ROUGH AND READY

rdinary luggage is fine for the man who thinks roughing bomb cloth, which was originally developed to wrap undersea
it means carrying one's own bags to the check-in ^ gaslines—and it can take just about anything short of a direct hit
counter. But for those whose destinations are more Бу a cruise missile. Add à rugged twill lining, plus military-
adventuresome, Andiamo has designed Valoroso lug- ^ specification construction and hardware, and you've got a line of
gage. The exterior of each piece is covered with a fabric called tough totables that can even defeat the baggage-handling gorillas

DAVID DEAHL

Clockwise from 12: This 25” x12" x12" Valoroso duffel bag of sturdy Cordura nylon bomb cloth can hold enough duds for a trip of up toseven days, $170.
At three o'clock is a 21" x 13" х8” carry-on Pullman bag that's ideal for quick getaways when you don't want to wait in line at the airport-baggage
counter, also $170. Next fo it, an 18 shoulder tote with two compartments that's also ideal for stashing under an airplane seat, $110. And at nine
o'clock, a lockable 28° x 18° x 8 Pullman with extra compartment that’s recommended for trips of up to 21 days, $205. All bags by Andiamo Inc. 249

FASHION

BOOT CAMP

irst, it was cowboy boots riding into town with everything
from jeans to three-piece suits. Then the jogging/jock craze

came along and suddenly the foot had to look like it did
something. Now come rugged demiboots of the hiking
variety that would be right at home on an Outward Bound sur-
vival course. The timing, of course, is perfect. Not only do these
boats complement the look of the puffy and padded outerwear
styles that younger guys are wearing these days (see our Back to

Campus fashion feature in this issue for a closer examination of
what's at the head oí the class in collegiate wearables) but they are
right in step with the weather—old man winter being just around
the corner. And when you consider that you're getting super
rugged construction, waler-repellent protection and heavy-duty
soles and heels of construction-worker quality, the prices are
practically giveaways. Anyway you look at it, old sock, that's a
kick, to boot — DAVID PLATT

From left to right: For a fall foot-loose ramble, try lacing up this ultracomfortable nylon and
waxed-split-leather hiker'sboot with a padded collar, beveled heel and rubber lug sole. by Nike,
$59.95. Next is a brushed pi suede lace-up work boot with contrast-stitch trim and
slip-resistant rubherized sole and heel, by Wolverine, about $50. If pull-on boots are the type of
footwear you fancy, try a leather water-repellent model with a traction-tread cushioned crepe
wedge sole, by Red Wing Shoe Company, about $69. Fourth is an easygoing two-eyelet brushed
pigskin suede chukka boot with moc toc, contrasting white stitched trim and slip-resistant
rubber wedge soles, by Wolverine, $45. Also by Wolverine is the silicone-tanned cowhide
waterproof lace-up boot with a steel shank and a slip-resistant rubberized sole and heel, $85.
Last, a leather and beige-nylon waterproof hiker soft padded collar, round toe and
rubberized lug and wedge sole, from Rocky Boots by Wm. Brooks Shoe Company, about $76.

E
5
H
а
a

DAVID
PLATT'S
FASHION
TIPS

Labor Day used to mark the
end of the season for wearing
while. Today, however, dated
rules such as that become a cre-
ative challenge for designers,
case in point being the increas-
ing use of white as a winter
color. And why not? A white
fisherman's-knit. sweater com-
bined with white flannels, for
example, is perfect for a week-
end party. And if the evening's a
bore, you can drift outdoors
and make like a snowman.

In these liberated times, the
definition of just what consti-
tutes black tie is being expand-
ed. Yes, a pair of well-polished
black loafers or smooth black
lace-up shoes (not wing tips)
are suitable with a dinner jack-
et. And we would even go so
far as to suggest that if you want
to be really dashingly different,
try an elegant plaid silk shirt in
place of the standard formal
style. There's even a leather
bow-tie/cummerbund combo
on the market.

If you pick up опе or more
pairs of the boots shown on
these pages, you might try wear-
ing them with your trouser legs
tucked into the top or under
thick outdoor socks. It’s all part
of the military/Western/hunt-
ing/survival look that reminds
us of World War One dough-
boys marching off to war.

Prediction: Skivvies in the
form of silk knit long johns with
matching long-sleeved under-
shirts will be this winter's status
energy saver. Ski shops are al-
ready cashing in on the idea.

For a cool late-summer eve-
ning out, show off your hard-
won summer tan with the
understated look of a cashmere
V-neck sweater, combined with
lightweight gray flannel slacks
and dark loafers (no socks). It's
an easygoing look that's ultra-
comfortable and sexy as well.

251

hey say it can't be done. No one has

started a major new car company in

America and succeeded since Walter

Chrysler did it in 1925. The last to try
was Malcolm Bricklin, who built flashy, gull-
winged sports cars bearing his name in the
mid-Seventies before the financial tides sucked
him under. So here we have ex-G.M. executive
John Z. De Lorean building flashy, gull-winged
sports cars bearing his name.

Complicating that task is the car itself,
which is unlike any
other ever built. De
Lorean wanted it to
last forever, so its skin
is rustproof stainless
steel. He wanted it
light yet strong, so its
structure is plass-re-
inforced plastic over
a central backbone
frame of epoxy-coat-
ed steel. He wanted
impressive perform-
ance with reasonable
fuel economy and
rugged durability, so
he chose a light,
strong, overhead-cam,
aluminum fuel-inject-
ed 2.8-liter V6 engine
from the PRV com-
bine of Peugeot and
Renault of France and
Volvo of Sweden. He
wanted sex appeal, so
he hired the famous
Giugiaro Ital Design
studio of Turin to
fashion the body's
contours, with stunning gull-wing doors that swing up and
over like hatches on a Darth Vader space shuttle. He
wanted racerlike road holding, so he contracted England's
Lotus (of Grand Prix world-championship fame) to help
develop a fully independent suspension around low, fat
Goodyear NCT tires with a tread design patterned after
Goodyear's best racing rain tires.

First approach this unique automotive creation and
you're struck by how low it is—just 45 inches from tire
patch to rooftop, or belly-button high to a six-foot man.
The shape is a classic aerodynamic wedge: low and flat in
front, rising smoothly pest a laid-back windshield, tapering
over a louvered back light and terminating in a tall rear
deck. Engine and transaxle are in the rear, putting 65 per-
cent of the car's weight on its back tires, which are signifi-
cantly larger than the front ones, to ensure handling
stability.

The stainless-steel skin is hand-brushed to a finish alter-
nately dull and bright, depending on the light reflecting
from it. De Lorean is adamant about shipping the cars un-
painted, because the stainless steel is one of their most
important features . . . but he adds that dealers and buyers
can easily paint them if they wish.

The heavy-looking gull-wing door almost opens itself,

WHEELS
DECADE OF THE DEIOREAN?

Top right: Poised with its gull-wing doors open, thestainless-steel-bodied $25,000 De Lorean resembles an exotic bird
of play that can gobble up 0 to 60 in nine seconds as you wind the fuel-injected 2.8-liter V6 engine through five fast
gears. Top left: Rearview mirrors on the trim 168-inch body are elect
definitely a two-seater (no kiddie seat here), there's storage behi
top-grain leather. Air conditioning, power windows and door locks also are standard. The open road awaits you.

ally operated. Above: Although the De Lorean is
d the driver/passenger and, yes, those buckets are

assisted by a special torsion spring. A gas-filled strut holds
the door open while you slip underneath and settle into a
wonderfully comfortable contoured bucket seat upholstered
in rich supple leather. There's plenty of leg room and both
the seat-back angle and the steering wheel are adjustable
for comfort.

Maneuvering in close quarters is complicated by the low
nose and restricted rear visibility—only a small “toll booth”
side window retracts—so you may want to pop the gull wing
to sight down the fender for backing up. But once under
way, you soon feel right at home. All controls are in easy
view and reach; acceleration is quick enough (about nine
seconds 0-60 with the standard five-speed); handling is su-
perb; braking from the four-wheel discs is straight, stable
and fade-free; and the supple suspension soaks up surfaces
that would shake the bejesus out of ordinary cars.

The De Loreans we drove were early production ехат-
ples, and they did suffer from some niggling quality
glitches. De Lorean says he won't ship any Stateside until
the quality is right, and, if so, his 342 dealers should have
little trouble selling them at the expected $25,000 price.
That's well above the original target, the Corvette, but a
bargain compared with, say, a Lotus or a Ferrari. Maybe it
can still be done. — CARY WITZENBURG

253

GRAPEVINE

Men Do Make Passes at Girls Who Wear Glasses

Ш they happen to look anything like LONI ANDERSON. We read that she's
paying her ex-husband alimony. We think he owes her. How hard could it be to
во home from a tough day at the office and find Loni?

Dressed to Swill

We love this woman. She can leap from the sublime to the
ridiculous in a single bound. Right now, at a theater near you,
CAROL BURNETT is starring іп Chu Chu and the Philly Flash.
See Chiquita go bananas.

If You Lived
Here, You'd Be
Home Now

These roommates are pret-
ty excited because their
apartment building didn't
get demolished by the.
ratings. JENILEE HARRI-
SON gets Suzanne
Somers' old room and
JOHN RITTER is obviously
ecstatic lo remain the
primary male on Three’s
Company. We let you peek
at Joyce DeWitt's breasts
last month and now we've
accounted for everyone.

Proud Tina

Keeps On Churning

One long look at TINA TURNER's front and we know she's
back. No one can caress a microphone, or shout, or whip her
hair around, or sing about pain and pleasure any better than
Tina does. There is no contest this month for celebrity breast.
We editors know a good thing or two when we see them.

Continental Divide
Someone once said that you can't be too rich or too.
thin and he might have been thinking about
MARISA BERENSON, part-time actress, part-time
socialite. We like the dress. Marisa knows how
to take the plunge.

The Great White Hope

Here’s a couple of dancin’ fools, SUGAR RAY LEONARD and ВОВ
HOPE, performing the famous birthday waltz. Leonard, along with
the usual bevy of big-busted ladies, appeared on Hope’s televised
birthday party. When you're a living legend, you can dance with
anyone you want, even a guy named Sugar.

255

SEX NEWS

COCK BLOCK

A new vasectomy technique, exclud-
ing surgery, is being tested by Dr.
Joseph Davis in New York. The tech-
nique involves injecting a formalde-

GARRICK MADISON e

Is this the team T-shirt for Plato's Retreat?
It's $10 from 40th Story Artists, 407 North
Maple Drive, Suite 205, Beverly Hills,
California 90210. It’s not even crude!

hyde-alcohol solution into the vas
deferens, No hospitalization and no
incision. Unfortunately, it may be even
less reversible than surgical methods.

THE SEX-CHANGE
SHORTCHANGE

It seems simple enough. A man de-
cides he really ought to be a woman
and has his body physically altered to
conform. Deep down inside, he’s still

the same person, with the same sense
of humor, likes and dislikes, only he’s
a woman. The irony for the sex-change
patient is that somehow transsexualism
itself brands him or her a second-class
citizen, as though something morally
degrading has taken place.

The Los Angeles chapter of the Amer-
ican Civil Liberties Union has formed a
committee to protect the rights of sex-
change patients; there are about
70,000 Americans who either are con-
sidering transsexual surgery or are vet-
erans of it. We talked with Joanna
Clark, founder and committee chair-

“Transsexuals are in the same place
blacks were 25 years ago,” she says.
That's a pretty accurate statement,
considering that in 1975 the Ninth Cir-
cuit Court of Appeals ruled that the
1964 Civil Rights Act does not apply to
transsexuals. Among other things, that
means a company can fire a transsexual,
leaving him or her without recourse.
Another hot topic is medical insur-
ance. Clark says the committee is cur-
rently lobbying for California legislation
requiring insurance companies to in-
clude sex-reassignment coverage. Some
companies already pay for the surgery,

American kids rall it
Silly String, but in the
hands of French art-

ist Corbassiete, it
became couture

Here the artist, uh,

dresses dancers at^
Paris’ famed Crazy
Horse Saloon. My,
my, said the spider to
the fly. We concur.

person, to find out what transsexuals
gripe about.

Clark, a transsexual herself who
speaks in a slightly husky feminine
voice, proclaimed that transsexuals are
“the most discriminated-
against group in the coun-
try.” The passion in her
speech, of course, springs
from experience. Clark just
finished a four-year legal bat-
tle with the U.S. Army. As a
17-year Navy veteran with an
honorable discharge, Clark
had obtained sex-reassign-
ment surgery and then en-
listed in the Army as a
woman. When the brass
found out she was a trans-
sexual, Clark contends, they
trumped up all kinds of false
claims, including accusations
of subversive activities, to
successfully drum her out of
the Service. Ultimately, the
court took her side, and now
she’s been given an honor-
able discharge, though she's
still battling for her pension.

zl
Е
E
E
E
|

provided a doctor can convince them it
is a “medical necessity.” Recently,
though, research hints that sexual dy-
morphism may be a genetic abnormal-
ity. If that turns out to be true, then
the insurers will have to listen.

So far, transsexuals have scored some
successes. Until last year, the Federal
Rehabilitation Services Administration
didn't recognize mental or physical dis-
abilities related to transsexualism. For
example, a normal woman with a
beard could get electrolysis and medi-
cal screening if her condition interfered
with her work. Transsexuals couldn't.
As a result of lobbying, now they can.

Another case, in Oakland, ended in a
draw. A transsexual was allowed to
keep her job after surgery, but her em-
ployers couldn't figure out whether
she should rightfully use the men's or
the ladies' room. Following intense ne-
gotiations, it was decided that one of
the company lavatories would be con-
verted to a unisex potty for her, fully
equipped with lock and key. It is not
full-fledged acceptance, but perhaps it's
a beachhead in the transsexual-
liberation movement. 5

Give yourself a hard time.

„З times harder than stainless steel, Citizens Permabright is the finish that never ends.

The beauty and durability of any
watch is largely determined by the
quality of the materials. Citizen's
Permabright quartz watches are
made from a new alloy which is three
times harder than the stainless steel
or plating on conventional watches.
What it means is that the high
luster and smooth finish you see at

WE'RE MAKING
THE MOST OF TIME.

@CITIZEN

Citizen Watch Company of America, inc.

WESTERN DIVISION: 12140 West Olympic Blvd. Los Angeles, CA 90064 Tél: p ^ x
EASTERN DIVISION: 1099 Wall St., Lyndhurst. N. J. 07071 Tel; 201/438-8150

the jeweler's will stay that way for
years to come. Permabright cases
are virtually impervious to scratches
and dulling that make ordinary
watches look old before their time.
With Permabright, you can put a
little high-technology metallurgy on
your side.

And Citizen puts high technology

inside, too. The precise quartz
movement is accurate to within ten
seconds a month, and a unique
process allows even these hardest of
watches to be stylishly slim. Look
over the complete line of Citizen
Permabright watches at your
Citizen dealer. Sometimes it pays to
give yourself a hard time.

CITIZEN QUARTZ

PermaBright

PLAYBOY

258

Vivarin
keeps you
going

when the
going gets
rough.

Working overtime?
Beginning to feel the
strain? Take a Vivarin
Stimulant Tablet.

Vivarin's active
ingredient is caffeine.
It's like having two cups
of coffee squeezed
into one little tablet.

Whether you're
studying, driving, or
working late, you'll stay
alert for hours.

Readlabeltordirections.

NEXT MONTH:

s v
DANGEROUS SPORTS

BEHIND LINES

МАШО ADAMS

“THE AGE OF SEXUAL DETENTE"—IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T
NOTICED, A TRUCE IS TAKING SHAPE IN THE WAR BETWEEN THE
SEXES. A LOOK AT THE TERMS OF THIS EMERGING ARMISTICE
FROM BOTH SIDES OF THE PACT, IN ARTICLES BY LAURENCE
SHAMES AND BARBARA GRIZZUTI HARRISON

ЧА FLAG FOR SUNRISE”—PABLO TABOR, A.W.O.L. FROM THE
COAST GUARD, GETS MIXED UP WITH SMUGGLERS (AND A GUN-
RUNNER'S VERY HORNY WIFE) IN CARIBBEAN WATERS. A SUS-
PENSEFUL STORY—BY ROBERT STONE

DONALD SUTHERLAND TALKS ABOUT HIS MOVIES, FROM
M*A*S*H TO ORDINARY PEOPLE; DIRECTORS, FROM ALTMAN ТО
FELLINI; HIS LOVE LIFE, FROM CHRISTIE (ONSCREEN) TO FONDA
(OFF) IN A DARING PLAYBOY INTERVIEW

“BEHIND THE U.S. LINES IN CENTRAL AMERICA"—OUR
REPORTER, A WASHINGTON POST CORRESPONDENT IN EL SAL-
VADOR, CONFIRMS EVERYTHING YOU'VE EVER HEARD ABOUT U. S.
INVOLVEMENT IN THAT COUNTRY—BY CHRISTOPHER DICKEY

“MAD ABOUT MAUD"'—A PICTORIAL VISIT WITH MISS ADAMS
AND BRUCE DERN, UNINHIBITED CO-STARS OF THE HOT NEW
FILM TATTOO, CONDUCTED BY BRUCE WILLIAMSON

“THERE’S NOTHING THE OXFORD DANGEROUS SPORTS
CLUB WON'T TRY"—IN THE GRAND TRADITION OF VICTORIAN
ECCENTRICITY, DAVID KIRKE AND FRIENDS RATTLE DOWN
MOUNTAINS IN WHEELCHAIRS, DIVE INTO CANYONS AND OTHER-
WISE DEFY DEATH DAFFILY—BY GEOFFREY TABIN

“PLAYTIME WITH PLAYBOY"'—TAKE A WALK ON THE BOARD-
WALK TO ATLANTIC CITY'S NEW ATTRACTION, THE PLAYBOY
HOTEL AND CASINO, FEATURING FUN, GAMES, FABULOUS
FOOD AND 400—COUNT 'EM, 400—BEAUTIFUL BUNNIES

“THE FAMOUS WRITERS’ COOKING SCHOOL" wWHADDAYA
GET WHEN YOU ASK A BUNCH OF BIG-TIME AUTHORS FOR THEIR
FAVORITE RECIPES? WELL, THERE'S HARRY CREWS'S SNAKE
STEAK, KEN KESEY'S HUEVOS WHATEVEROS, ROY BLOUNT,
JR.'S POEM TO GRITS AND A WHOLE BATCH OF POTBOILERS
(AND ROASTERS) FROM THE LIKES OF NORMAN MAILER, IRWIN
SHAW, TOM WOLFE AND WILLIAM F. BUCKLEY, JR.

The Spirit of America

Mystic Seaport by Alfred Eisenstaedt

America meant a new start. And the men who
landed here started a world with new goals, new customs,
even a new whiskey. Old Grand-Dad still makes Kentucky
bourbon, the only truly American whiskey, just the same
as we did in 1882. Its the spirit of America.

Old Grand-Dad

Wentuchy Straight Bourbon Whiskey £6 Proot. Old Grand-Dad Oistillery Co., Frankfort KY 40601.

Reg.: 11 mg "tar?" 0.8 mg nicotine—
Men.: 11 mg “‘tar;’ 0.7 mg nicotine av. per cigarette, FTC Report Dec: 79.
© Philip мот» Ic. 1981

Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined
That Cigarette Smoking 1 Dangerous to Your Health

Z A uad +
\ SE "om Á A Tu.
`A : :
= oM P

Because th
pleasure lasts longer,

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