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ENTERTAINMENT FOR MEN
COVER GIRL

IN A HOT
REMAKE OF
“1, THE JURY”

EXOTIC NEW
FICTION BY
JERZY KOSINSKI

HOW THE
EXPERTS WIN АТ
VIDEO GAMES

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0% 60 -

~20 ООО23З] 70^

м 8:08 БС; “a a

mph

A lot of
companies can make
a motorcycle.

But how many
can make history?

You are looking at motorcycle history in the
making.

The 1982 Honda CX500 Turbo. Five yearsin
intensive development. And now, quite literally,
the most advanced production motorcycle ever
built.

Itis turbocharged. For the fuel economy ofa
mid-sized engine. And the breathtaking power of.
an engine twice its size.

But unlike most turbocharged motorcycles,
the CX500 Turbo was designed from the very
beginning with turbocharging in mind. Not mod-
ified as an afterthought to keep up with advanc-
ing technology.

Itis water-cooled. Because Honda engineers
have determined that the benefits of turbocharg-
ing are maximized ina water-cooled engine. And
because water-cooling, by stabilizing operating
temperatures, can greatly extend engine life.

The CX500 Turbo is fuel injected, rather
than carburetted like most motorcycles. And the
fuelinjection and turbocharging systems are con-
trolled by an incredibly sophisticated, high capac-
ity digital computer.

The chassis which supports this magnificent

engine is equally advanced. Its Pro-Link™ rear
suspension is the first ofits type inthe world,
constantly reacting to road and load conditions
as youride. The resulting improvement in han-
dling characteristics has to be experienced to be
believed.

The CX500 Turbo is fitted with three highly
efficient twin piston caliper disc brakes. And revo-
lutionary Torque Reactive Anti-Dive Control™ for
added stability in hard braking situations. The all
aluminum ComStar™ wheels were designed
specifically for thismachine.

Even the futuristic fairing was wind tunnel
designed and tested for aerodynamic efficiency
as well as beauty.

If by now you're getting the idea that the
CX500 Turbois a rolling showcase of motorcycle
technology, that’s no surprise. But what might
surprise you is that this is not some impossible to
obtain show machine.

Although its numbers are limited, the CX500
Turbois actually available. Itis clearly the first of
anew generation of motorcycles. And it was devel-
oped and built by the only motorcycle company in
the world with the facilities and technology to doit.

HONDA

FOLLOW THE LEADER

ALWAYS WEAR A HELMET AND EYE PROTECTION. Specifications and availability subject to change without пісе. ©1981 American Honda Motor Co.,
Inc. Fora free brochure, see your Honda dealer. Or write: American Honda Motor Co.. Inc.. Dept. 846, Box 9000, Van Nuys, СА 91408.

-Nobody does ít better. Р

^Winsto

This i$ your world. (
. This is your Winston.
Smooth.Rich.

Fe прав ое avere ETE mod T te it abla),

Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health.

DAN OD бии ЛУ см OF

Tiy A BLEND лыр
Mtep IN таға

Now that you’re ready for a change of pace
it’s time to try John Jameson.

Take a sip of John Jameson. Note the light, delicate taste.
Luxurious and smooth as you would expect a premium whiskey to be.
But with a distinctive character all its own. Set a new pace
for yourself. Step ahead of the crowd with John Jameson, the
world's largest selling Irish Whiskey.

EIGHT YEARS AGO this month, Patty Hearst was abducted from
her apartment. What then happened seemed like а leftist
publicrelations-man’s dream: Spoiled little rich girl sees the
political light and robs banks to finance the overthrow of the
state and maybe get back at mom and dad while she's at it.
So many questions about her involvement persist that we sent
Contributing Editor Lawrence Grobel to get some answers. Add-
ing to Hearst's Playboy Interview is a portion of her book,
Every Secret Thing (Doubleday), written with Alvin Moscow.

Novelist Jerzy Kosinski plays a hardened revolutionary in
Reds. It was his first acting assignment, and his appearance
in our pages marks something of a first as well. He has never
permitted his novels to be excerpted. Until now. Pinball (Ban-
tam Books), a section of his novel of the same name, is a
kinky story; Edgar Clarke's illustration is appropriately eerie.

And if you think sex is just in your head, you're right—but
in a way you may not have expected. Jo Durden-Smith and Diane
desimone explore—in part three of our series on Man and
Woman—the recent research that suggests that the male
brain and the female brain are chemically different.

Just as many of the differences between men and women
are beneath the surface, many are wonderfully apparent. And
Barbara Carrera is a stunning example of la différence. Others GROBEL
responsible for making her look so good in our pictorial are
photographer Marco Сісуіспо, West Coast Photo Editor Marilyn
Grabowski and make-up artist Richard Adams.

Which brings us to a subject close to our hearts and minds:
balls, nuts, cojones, The Family Jewels. Roy Blount Jr. gives
usa laconic inventory of the facts and fictions of this sensitive
subject. Parviz Sodighian created the accompanying sculpture.

Raising our sights and, we hope, our net worth, Louis Rukeyser
answers 20 Questions about money and what people should
do with it. Warren Kolbacker cornered television's most-watched
financial prober and they let the blue chips fall where they
may. Andrew Tobias, no slouch himself when talking about
money, offers Three Horribly Unfair Jokes You Can Tell
About Lawyers, excerpted from his forthcoming The Invisible
Bankers (The Linden Press/Simon & Schuster).

Money and its pursuit can bring out the bleakest in people
and their surroundings. The new gold rush—for shale oil and
coal—has produced modern boom towns. We shipped С
Vetter to Gillette, Wyoming, to survey the granddaddy of them
all in Boom Dreams. Alan Е. Cober contributed the appropriate-
ly gritty illustration:

"There's another rush out there—it tempts our young people
and leaves them groping for small change. Senior Staf Writer
Walter Lowe, Jr, combed the nation's video-game arcades and,
after months of research, he is able to reveal how to beat those
machines and save the universe. How to Survive in the Video-
Game Jungle cost us thousands of quarters. For playing
around of an entirely different sort, short-story writer Lauri
Colwin offers My Mistress, in which we learn about an affair
toremember,

Mention gun control these days and you'd better be willing
to suffer through a long and heated discussion. In The
Trouble with Guns, Senior Editor William J. Helmer argues a
position that is sure to offend extremists on both sides.

And for those of us who wouldn't be caught dead in last
year’s look, Fashion Director David Рен offers Playboy's Spring
and Summer Fashion Forecast, Part 1. Hint: The 1982 look is
slightly more tailored.

Lastly, we have a gaggle of pretty girls who should jump-
start your heart even in the coldest of late-winter winds:
Playmate Karen Wi actress Pia Zadora and Melani Martin, who
delivers telegrams in which the real message is always Melani.
Check out Ken Marcus’ pictorial and you'll see that Melani's
news is very good, indeed. Welcome to March! E PLATT ^ Gp

PLAYBILL

SADIGHIAN

KALBACKER

)

COLWIN

MATCH, 1902, VOL. 29, NO. 3. PUBLISHED MONTHLY BY PLAYBOY IN MATIONAL AND REGIONAL EDITIONS. PLAYBOY BLDG., $18 N. MICHIGAN AVE., CHGO., п.

PLAYBOY (зан ооз. н
коо. ILL, а AT ADDL, MAILING OFFICES. SUOS.: IN THE U.S., ив FOR 12 ISSUES. POSTMASTER: SEHD FORK 2579 TO PLAYBOY. P.O. BOX 2430, BOULDER, COLO. возо:

AND.CLASS POSTAGE Pal

vol. 29, no. 3—march, 1982

PLAYBOY.

CONTENTS FOR THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE

My Mistress

Melodious Meloni

Sotellite TV

PLAYBILLES e С bots 5
THE WORLD OF PLAYBOY . n
DEAR PLAYBOY ........ 15

RICHARD REEVES 21
what he will probably say about the Reagan

A REPORTER'S NOTEBOOK
A political commentator projet
Presidency when it's over.

PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS .

rock "n' roll.

ADVENTURES R ce e АЕ NUT TTE RN eise stein 34

A cyclist can absorb a shipload of shocks on the rugged Baja trail.

BOOKS ... 35

Book-length version of PLAYBOY's interview with John Lennon and Yoko Ono;

calypso apocalypse in Honduras; a rumble in the African jungle.

MOVIES

A song and dance from Steve Martin and Bernadette

adventure behind the iron curtain; taking stock of Wall Street.

COMING ATTRACTIONS S О 44

Unwrapping Spielberg's next project; a romp with Peter O'Toole.
PLAYBOY'S TRAVEL GUIDE ... «STEPHEN BIRNBAUM 49

Updating the resort hotels on the golden shores of Mexico. Don't water the

drinks!

THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR . 51
DEAR PLAYMATES . 57
THE PLAYBOY FORUM 59
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: PATRICIA HEARST—candid СЕЕН А 69

A discussion with ће poor little rich girl оп her bizarre experiences as a
captive, a crusader for ће S.LA. and a fugitive. Hearst comes out of the
closet with some revolutionary revelations.

EVERY SECRET

THING ....РАТРІСІА CAMPBELL HEARST with ALVIN MOSCOW 77
Excerpt from Patricia Hearst's own book-length account.

THE TROUBLE WITH GUNS—opinion .......... WILLIAM J. HELMER 102
Соп we ever control them? A provocative discussion of the latest shots from
both sides.

MELANI IS THE MESSAGE—pictorial
They say a pretty girl is like a Melani, don't they? Here's the original.
РЇМААЦ=БаЮюп т e eerste 2. JERZY KOSINSKI 112
In an excerpt from his latest novel, Kosinski offers a new passion play that's
too intense for a private audience. Donna is a one-woman show, and Kosinski
has given us his pictures of an exhibitionist

THE FAMILY JEWELS—essay ................... ROY BLOUNT JR. 115
A testicular tour of the globes with one of our funniest fellows. It takes balls
just to bring up the subject.

BOOM DREAMS—article ......................... CRAIG VETTER 116
In an isolated Wyoming town, industry is growing so fast, there's a job for
everyone and enough money to go around twice. But there are boom night-
mares as well.

106

COVER STORY

Photographer Marco Glaviano shot beautiful Barbora Carrera and she’s more alive
thon ever. She stars as а sultry seductress in the remake of the movie |, the Jury. You'll
find more of her fine features in a sumptuous pictorial on page 148.

SIREN OF THE SEA—playboy's playmate of the month . .. 120
More daring than most, Karen Witter delights in danger. Here's a bold beauty.
who adores getting into deep water.

PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES—humor ............................ 132

IMYIMISIRESS—fiction ТД LAURIE COLWIN 134
He is orderly, she is careless. Yet they are in love. Can this odd couple ever
clean up its act?

PLAYBOY'S SPRING AND SUMMER

FASHION FORECAST, PART I—attire ............... DAVID PLATT 137
Falling for the latest looks for spring: Boldness and color are back and we've
got them!

MAN AND WOMAN, PART Ill: THE SEX LIFE

OFTHE BRAIN .......... JO DURDEN-SMITH and DIANE DESIMONE 143
It's between your ears as well as between your legs. 8ut just how much of
sex is all in your head?

THREE HORRIBLY UNFAIR JOKES

YOU САМ TELL ABOUT LAWYERS—humor ........ ANDREW TOBIAS 146
With so many attorneys around, here's some no-fault humor to use in your
defense.
AYE, BARBARA—pictorial essay ............. BRUCE WILLIAMSON 148 old cid

Our cover girl has on explosive film career, and she's number one with a
bullet on our charts.

THE WAVES OF THE FUTURE—article KEVIN COOK 157
The sky's the limit on what you can see on your own TV—when you hook up
Direct 8roadcasting Service.

LITTLE SINS FOR THE GREATER GOOD——ribald classic ............. 159

20 QUESTIONS: LOUIS RUKEYSER ............................ 162
TV's top financial journalist declares that women are better than men at
managing money and that money is more serious than politics.

HOW TO SURVIVE

IN THE VIDEO-GAME JUNGLE—article .......... WALTER LOWE, JR. 167
No-fail strategy on how to beat the video games. Give no quarter.
WHAT SORT OF МАМ INVENTS DEFENDER? ................ 168
The brain father of the greatest video game of all tells about the night it
was conceived.
PUAYINGIWITHIPAIN T tee Cia К ШО у с 169
Improving your score requires more than a truckful of quarters—you also
pay with pain.

Witter's Tale

PLAYBOY'S ROVING EYE—pictorial .......... 172
You alreody know her as the Dubonnet lady on now you can see Pia
Zadora in Butterfly, a topical new movie about a familial topic—incest.

PLAYBOY FUNNIES—humor ................. . 178
PLAYBOY POTPOURRI 210
LITTLE ANNIE FANNY—satire . . HARVEY KURTZMAN and WILL ELDER 247

PRAYBOY ON THE SCENE ИТТЕ 251
Scanners that go through all channels; the hottest home spa and skin care N
clues; Gropevine; Sex News. lawyer Jokes к^

KAMALI (SWIMSUITS). P, 148-149, 130: ALEXIS KIRK (BELTS), Р. 19C, 154; RICHARD KLEIN, ғ. E

210; JERRY KOTY (BRACELET), P. 180; LARRY L. LOGAN, P. 3, 11 (0); KEN

эз, зө: KERIG rore
142.243. PlAYSOY crues

PLAYBOY

Wolfschmidt
Genuine Vodka |
| The spirit of the ef ar
|.

Wolfschmidt is made here to the same
supreme standards which elevated it to Wi
appointment to his Majesty the Czar and (һе
Imperial Romanov Court.

The spirit of the Czar lives on.

Wolfschmidt
GenuineVodka

Product of U.S.A. Distilled from grain Available in BO and 100 proof - Wolfschmidt, Relay, Md.

PLAYBOY

HUGH M. HEFNER
editor and publisher
NAT LEHRMAN associate publisher

ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director
ARTHUR PAUL art director
DON GOLD managing editor
GARY COLE photography director
С. BARRY GOLSON executive editor
TOM STAEBLER executive art director

EDITORIAL |
ARTICLES: JAMES MORGAN edilor; ROB FLEDER
associate editor; FICTION: ALICE к. TURNER
editor; TERESA GROSCH associaie editor; WEST.
COAST: SIEI N RANDALL editor; STAFF:
WILLIAM J. HELMER, GRETCHEN MC NEESE,
PATHICIA PAPANCELIS (administration), DAVID
STEVENS senior editors; ROBERT Е. CARR, WALIER
LOWE, JR, JAMES R. PETERSEN senior staff
WHHCTS; BARUARA NELLIS, KATE NOLAN, J- К.
O'CONNOR, JOHN REZEK associate editors; SUSAN
MARGOLIS-WINTER, TOM ГАЗАУАМТ associale
new york editors; кем COOK assistant e
tor; SERVICE FEATURES: FD WALKER, МАКС
к. WILLIAMS assisiant editors (modem living);
DAVID PLATE fashion director; MARIA SCHOR
assistant editor; CARTOONS; MICHELLE URRY
editor; COPY: ARLENE ROURAS editor; JOYCE
шах assistant editor; CAROLYN BROWNE,
JACKIE JOHNSON, MARCY MARCHI, BARL LYNN
NASH, MARTIN PIMSLER, DAVID TARDY, MARY
лох researchers; CONTRIBUTING EDITORS:
ASA BABER, STEPHEN BIENBAUM (Iravel). JOHN
BLUMENTHAL, LAURENCE GONZALES, LAWRENCE
GROBEL, ANSON MOUNT, PETER ROSS RANG
DAVID RENSIN, RICHARD RHODES, JONN
DAVID STANDISH, BRUCE WILLIAMSON (тот

ART

KERIG POPE тапа director; LEN. witsss,
CHET SUSKI senior direclors; BOB POST, SKI
WILLIAMSON, BRUCE HANSEN associate directors;
THEO KOUVATNOS, JOSEPH PACZEK assistant
directors; wernt KASIK senior art assistant;
PEARL MIURA, ANN SEIDL art assistants; SUSAN
HOLMSTROM traffic coordinator; MARMARA
HOFEMAN administrative manager

PHOTOGRAPHY

MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast editor; JEFF
COHEN, JAMES LARSON, JANICE MOSES associate
editors; rATIY BEAUDET, LINDA KENNEY,
MICHAEL ANN SULLIVAN | assistant editors:
RICHARD FEGLEY, гомрго POSAR staf] photog-
raphers; вил. ARSENAUET, вох AZUMA, MARIO
CASILLI, DAVID CHAN, NICHOLAS DE SCIOSE, PHIL-
LIP PIXON, ARNY FREYTAG, DWIGHT HOOKER,
X. SCOTT HOOPER, RICHARD її, STAN мм
NOWSKI, KEN MARCUS contributing photogra-
phers; JEAN PIERRE WOLLEY (Paris), LUSA
Stewart (Rome) contributing editors; james
war color lab supervisor; ROBERT CHELIUS
business manage

PRODUCTION
JOHN MASTRO difcclor; ALLEN VARGO manager;
MARIA MANDIS алы. ‚дт; ELEANORE WAGNER,
JODY JURGETO, RICHARD QUAKTAROLI assistants

READER SERVICE
CYNTHIA LACEY-SIKICH. manager

CIRCULATION
RICHARD SMITH director; ALVIN WIENOLD sub-
scription manager

ADVERTISING
HENRY w. MARKS director

ADMINISTRATIVE
ICHAEL LAURENCE business manager; PAU-
LEME GAUDET. rights & permissions manager;
MILDRED ZIMMERMAN administrative assistant

PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES,
DERICK J. DANIELS president

|| CR-200

ғын Dow

B..10...13

16
88...92..96й. 102... 108

The Blaupunkt CR-2010. Richer, purer sound

than you ever thought possible in a moving vehicle.
tosound is only as good as the equip-

u
А ment it passes through. Which means
that, in the case of the Blaupunkt CR-2010,

and richness while hold-
ing its delicate balance
through the magic of a
built-in front-to-rear

as well as tape. A Sendust Alloy
tape head reproduces a fuller range
of recorded frequencies.

the sound is exceptional. fader. Hear the Full Blaupunkt Line
2 Тһе CR-2010 retails for only
The СК-2010 coddles and shapes Holds Signal Longer $396.00** and is the latest in a full

highs and lows into a sound as full-
bodied, as richly-textured, as any-
thing you'll hear from a home
stereo.

4 Channel Amplifier
Blaupunkt increased the conven-
tional two channels to four, each
with a maximum output of 7.5 watts.
Even when hooked up to a front

The essential controls are fully illuminated.
end, two-speaker system, the
CR-2010's crisp reproduction
will surprise you. Add two rear
speakers and the home stereo
effect is complete— sound that
surges to new heights of clarity

Drive away from the signal source
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line of Blaupunkt AM/FM stereo
cassette radios priced from $290,00**

what happens? Re

breaks up into a barrage
of crackles and hisses. Not
with the CR-2010. Thanks
to the “Soft МРХ” fea-
ture your Blaupunkt
automatically shifts recep-
tion from stereo to mono

* 4 channel (4 х 75W) * Soft Mute

* Autoreverse Cassette * Soft MPX

* Sendust Alloy Tape Head — * Night Illuminated
* Auto Hi-Cut Filter Controls

"Dolby is a rcrisiered trademark of Dolby Laboratories

CR2010 Features

* Dolby Noise Reduction Circuit |

before the hissing sets in.

Higher Volume without
Distortion
The CR-2010 has a pre-amp output
jack that lets you bypass the built-in
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Of course, you get Dolby Noise
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BLAUPUNKT

91982 Robert Bosch Sales Corporation

FACE THE CHALLENGE. BUT BE
SURE YOU'RE WEARING FRYE

OTS FOR 1982 FIT

LE. BOLD AND
RUGGED. WITH TIMELESS STYLING:
THAT ENDURES. IN CLAS
WESTERN AND

SINCE 1863, FRYE BOOT.
SHOES HAVE BEEN BENCHCRAFTED
BY SKILLED HANDS, USING ONLY THE
VERY FINEST LEATHERS. THAT'S
WHY FRYE QUALITY HAS BECOME
AN AMERICAN TRADITION.

WHY FRYE? OUR STYLES MAY
CHANGE, BUT OUR QUALITY AND

FTSMANSHIP WILL ALWAYS

Ө REMAIN THE SAME.

THE BEST.

THE WORLD OF PLAYBOY

in which we offer an insider's look at what's doing and who's doing it

LITTLE KIDS GET BIG HELP

The rich and the famous crowded Playboy Mansion West for
the tenth-anniversary Rainbow/Amie Karen cancer benefit. The
fund raiser, held for the fifth time at Mansion West, helps
support the Amie Karen Center for Children at Cedars Sinai
Medical Center in Los Angeles. Below, among the guests, near-
ly newlyweds Valerie Bertinelli of the CBS-TV show One Day at
a Time and Eddie Van Halen of the rock group Van Halen,

Above, Hugh M. Hefner shares a few moments with Dinah Shore
and Henry Winkler. Shore premiered her new night-club act during
the entertainment segment; Winkler was master of ceremonies and
honorary chairman of the event. Others attending included Billy
Crystal, Bonnie Franklin, Linda Lavin, Michele Lee and Vic Tayback.

AND SOME GUYS
ACTUALLY HAVE
TO WORK FOR

A LIVING

At right, Los Angeles
Bunnies join arms with
the owner of our new
San Diego Playboy
Club, Carroll Davis,
pausing for a photo in
the midst of a three-day
Виппу hunt aiming to
Staff the new hutch,
now open for business.
Beside the Bunnies and
Carroll are just a few
of the 1596 applicants

EVERYBODY’S GOTTA BE A CRITIC Mho showad up Lo caim,

the 70 available posi-
Sylvester Stallone lands а t.i.s.t. on LeRoy Neiman in tions. The impressive
front of Neiman's Rocky ШІ, part of a Playboy-spon- turnout came on the

Sored show at the Los Angeles Institute of Contempo- heels of a multimedia
rary Art featuring portraits by Neiman and Andy Warhol. advertising campaign.

FIND THE PLAYBOY
EDITOR IN THIS CROWD

As any travel writer knows, |
the secret of traveling right É
is knowing whom to travel |
with. Our Travel Editor, [iia
Stephen Birnbaum, picked Ё

the lively bunch of con- 2
sorts at left to help pre- |
pare his new book on
Walt Disney World, right. £

THE WORLD OF PLAYBOY
PLAYMATE UPDATE

EVERYTHING’S DANDY FOR CANDY

It didn't surprise us a bit when the editors of Complete Woman magazine chose our
perfectly executed December 1979 centerfold, Candace Collins, as the cover girl for its
debut issue (below center). After all, she has starred on our cover, too. At left, Candy
аз she appears on her very own poster, published by Pro Arts, the same people who
previously made splashes with likenesses of Farrah Fawcett, Chery! Tiegs and Elvis,
among others. Below right, the complete and unexpurgated Candace in a 1979 shot.

GAIL STANTON: TOP-NOTCH SOLAR ENERGIZER

These days, Gail Stanton is holstering Tahitian Sun tanning
lotion. Below, our June 1978 Playmate suits up for an ad that
we suppose instantly converted many who saw it into sun wor-
shipers and at least 50 percent into Gail worshipers. We figure
this kind of thing could help the solar-energy lobby enormously.

THE ART OF LOVING

Photographer George Obremski records 25th-Anniversary
Playmate Candy Loving's latest high-jinks, below, as she poses
for a forthcoming issue of our sister publication Games. Candy
dressed in a pun-filled getup that figures in a dazzling puzzle
in the magazine. Above, Candy in an even better pose.

Nationwide |
taste tests prove it!

Windsor Canadian
beats VO.!

СА ТАЛАХ

gfi
D M

Z
N

Five hundred serious Canadian Whisky
drinkers coast-to-coast just compared Windsor
Canadian to the higher-priced Seagram’s V.O.

Windsor was preferred, :

So try a sip of Windsor and a sip of М.О. and
prove to yourself what the taste tests just proved. 7

With Windsor, you can’t beat the taste.

And you sure can’t beat the price.

(AL DISTILLERS PRODUCTS СО.

Not available In California.

‘Showa with optional equipment.

А DIESEL TRUCK

YOU ONLY KNOW
IT’S A DIESEL
AT THE PUMP

The Toyota Diesel Truck. It won't remind
you it's a diesel when you start it on cold morn-
ings. The dependable Toyota Diesel has two
heavy duty batteries for extra cranking power!
No other small diesel truck does.

And youwon'tknowit'sadiesel by listening
as you drive. The Toyota Diesel hasa fabric/rubber
timing beltand special underhood insulation,so

you hardlynotice the engine at highway speeds.
The Toyota Diesel also has the

features you want as standard equipment. Like
a 5-speed overdrive transmission. A 7-foot cargo
bed, not 6-foot like some. And a separate, rug-
ged frame (like an 18-wheeler has) so Toyota's
Diesel Truck carries a full 1100 pound payload.
The Toyota Diesel Truck. It's rated at 38
EPA Estimated Highway MPG.($ DEPA Estimat-
ed MPG. Remember: use this estimate for
comparisons of other small trucks with manual
transmissions. Your mileage may be different
depending on speed, trip length and weather
conditions. Actual highway mileage will prob-
ably be less than the EPA "Highway Estimate"
The Toyota Diesel
Truck. Tough. Fuel-
efficient. Dependable. f /
You only know it's a / |
diesel when it 4
ѕауеѕ уои usu /

DEAR PLAYBOY

‘ADDRESS DEAR PLAYBOY
PLAYBOY BUILDING
819 N. MICHIGAN AVE.
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611

ON GOLDEN FONDA

As one who was associated with Henry
Fonda in Alfred Hitchcock's The Wrong
Man, I had the extreme pleasure of
getting to know the man behind the
legend. Fonda is just as wonderful in
real lile as in December's Playboy
Interview.

Stanley K. Grayson
Cochecton, New York

Гуе been reading the Playboy Inter-
views for more than five years. Henry
Fonda's ranks among the top three.
Being interesting doesn't always mean
being flashy. Honesty and warmth come
across in his interview, just as they do in
his acting. Fonda is one of the best.

Brick Town, New Jersey

What an excellent interview with the
legendary Henry Fonda. Last summer it
lege to interview Fonda
for my newspaper, the Laconia Evening
Citizen, while he was in our area filming
On Golden Pond. He praises his son,
Peter, in your interview as being a great
fisherman. What he fails to mention is
that he too is an expert. He spent most
of his off hours during filming fishing
for bass and lake trout. He did quite
well—took home some beauties, includ-
ing a ninepound trout. All of us here
¢ looking forward to the release of
On Golden Pond. We know it will be
brilliant.

Gordon D. King
Laconia, New Hampshire

Гус been an admirer of Jane Fonda's
for both her work and her good looks
for years, while her father was just a
man who made the GAF commercials.
But since Lawrence Grobel's fine inter-
view with Henry Fonda, 1 feel 1 may
have missed out on the work of a great
actor. I'm going to go down to the

м. MICHIGAN AVE.) CHICAGO, HLL, 60611. SUBSCI

corner video store, rent The Grapes of
Wrath and see who that man Henry
Fonda is.

Vincent L. Kelly

Hermosa Beach, California.

ATLANTA BRAVED
James Baldwin's Atlanta: The Evi-
dence of Things Not Seen (pLaysoy,
December) is by itself worth the money
I paid for my subscription. Baldwin took
me from my prison cell in Oklahoma
and showed me Atlanta as it is. I use
the stamp that could be on a letter to
ny people to thank him for it.
Michael Hopper
Oklahoma State Ре
McAlester, Oklahom

James Baldwin's scathing Atlanta: The
Evidence of Things Not Seen is about
the author's capacity for seeing racial
conflict lurking behind every tree, but
it contributes little to understanding the
nature of the murders themselves. Part
of the difficulty is that Baldwin's article
seems to haye been written prematurely,
in the heat of passion, without knowl-
edge of later developments. The Georgia
Psychological Association formed a bi-
cial Ad Hoc Resource Committee on
Atlanta's Murdered and Missing Chil-
dren to look into the matter. On October
30, 1981, the committee adopted a 23-
page report to GPA/American Psycho-
logical Association. I quote from it:

Some of us, in talking with
people around the country, were
appalled to learn that . . . they were
treating the murders іп strictly
acial terms. Polls soon began to
reflect the same sentiment, as if by
casting one's vote for a certain
opinion, the murders would some-
how take on the characteristics of
that particular kind of action. This
kind of abandonment of intellect to

їз. VOLUME 19, NUMBER 3. PUBLISHED MONTHLY BY PLAYBOY, PLAYSOY BLOG., 919
TIONS: JN THE UNITED STATES AMD ITS POSSESSIONS, $48 FOR 36 ISSUES, 334

SCHIPTIONS AND RENEWALS, CHANGE OF ADDRESS: SEND GOTH OLD AND МЕн ADDRESSES TO PLAYBOY. POST OFHICE BOX гар,
BOULDER, COLORADO 80202, AND ALLOW «з DAYS FOR CHANGE. MARKETING: ED CONDON. DIRECTOR / DIRECT MARKETING. MICHAEL
з. MURPHY, CIRCULATION PROMOTION DIRECTOR. AOVERTISIMG: HENRY W. HARKS, ADVERTISING DIRECTOR. HAROLD сисин, NA.

RUSS WELLER, ASSOCIATE ADVERTISING MANAGER. 919 NORTH

THIND AVENUE, NEW YORE, NEW то
MICHIGAN AVENUE; TROY, MICHIGAN
L. PERKINS, MANAGER, 4211 wishi

017; CHICAGO вов,
JESS BALLEW, MANAGER, 300
OULEVARD; SAN FRANCISCO s4iO4, том JONES, MANAGER, 417 MONTGOMERY STREET.

(с MANAGER, 747

MIG BEAYER ROAD: LOS ANGELES 30910, STANLEY

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PLAYBOY

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VIDEO INVESTMENT
IS SHOWING
DIMINISHING
RETURNS,

itcould be
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primitive emotional bias was a sad
tomment on our social progress.
We do know, by heinous parallel
example, that the events in Atlanta
arc not tied to blackness or to pov-
erty, for even as we write, there isa
string of child murders in the beau
tiful city of Vancouver. This time
the children and the suspect are
white.

Those who worked in and near the
investigation. were unable to sce the
events in racial terms, Was the Vancou-
ver murderer also “someone who has
been driven mad by the double inherit
ance of house nigger and field nigger,
of genuine bondage and promised Irce-
dom"? Being torn in two by opposing
economic and social forces is a human
condition, not a uniquely black condi-
tion. Come on, Mr. Baldwin, join the
human race.

George B. Greaves, Ph.D.

Head, Subcommittee for
Forensic Issues

Georgia Psychological Association
Ad Нос Resource Committee on
Atlanta's Murdered and Missing

nildren
Decatur, Georgia

The true victims in Baldwin's article
are not the murdered children and their
families but an entire city and state of
exceptionally fine people—black and
white, rich and poor—who are proud of
the progress made in overcoming genera-
tions of injustices. Tt is regrettable that
іп publishing one man’s opinions,
PLAYBOY was a party to the insult and
injury of many more.

James F. Touhy

Dalton, Georgia

DEAR PRAYBOY

Bravo! The Prayboy parody in De-
cember's PLAYBOY was stunning and bril-
liant. Kcep on giving 'em hell (no pun
intended)!

Shari York
"Toledo, Ohio

1 have been a happy subscriber to
тілушоу for many years because of the
class it exhibits in all areas. I am left
with a bad feeling, however, when 1
find articles such as Prayboy in your
Christmas issue. If the editors of your
publication are not in agreement with
organizations such as the Moral Majority,
wouldn't it be in better taste for Шеш
to use their literary talents to tell their
readers why, instead of spending a lot
of money on a layout like Prayboy?

R. Wilt
Akron, Ohio

December's Playboy Viewpoint ("Geor-
giaon Our Minds"), by Kevin Cook, leads
me to believe that Prayboy wouldn't

get past the Georgia House of Repre-
sentatives, but couldn't you provide an
uncensored |
those of us
Country?

at "Mrs. December" for
who live outside Carter

Т. С. Heyer
Kodiak. Alaska
Our "Prayboy" centerfold was not cen-
sored at all, J.C. Mrs. December is just
а far-righteous woman—those black

squares are right on her body.

BUSTED, MISTRUSTED

I'm a radio personality here in Los
Angeles. We've never talked about your
centerfolds before, but Patti Farinelli
(rtsvnov, December) is from Los An-
eles, so 1 thought it would be in line to
We
ve the response from our

give her a little plug on my show
couldn't beli
listeners! Patti’s going to be a hot item
for months to come

Andy Barber

K-West Radio

Los Angeles. California

Has anyone else noticed that Decem
bers Patricia Farinelli’s eyes are elec
wifyingly beautilul? No adjectives can
describe the beauty of the lady.

Elmer Renner
Carmel, California

Abbondanz
jumps гі

is right! Patti. Farinclli
ht out of December's
mes R. Tumino

Bridgman, Michigan

elold.

What a super job of photography on
December's Italian paisana of the month.
Раші Farinelli certainly fills the page.
Her gatelold is a tribute to all Ital
Americans, How about her data sheet?
I would estimate that that bust measure-
ment is four inches too small.

Peter DeSalvo
North Syracuse, New York

My December rLAYmov was, as usual.
fabulous. But I have one question: Beau-
tiful Patricia Farinelli says her measure-
ments are 36-25-36; did she fill out the
data sheet when she was 13?

Tom Guza
Whittier,

alitorni;

We at Michigan State
would like to extend our applause to the
most wellendowed 36-inch bust we have
ever seen, However, there is a slight
debate here concerning Patricia Fari-
nelli. Several students among us, claim-
ing experience in the field. insist that
her stated m e misleading
Please give us one more look at Patricia
to settle the argument and allow us to
Eo back to studying.
McDonel Hall

University

urement

. Michigan
Hit the books, men—here's another
dollop of our saucy Italian, dressing. To

We think everyone in the picture,
should really be in the picture.

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еп here are two pictures taken
with the same camera and same lens on
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few seconds it took to change from the
new Sunpak Auto 422 D dedicated
flash to the Vivitar 3500.

Both were taken from 45 feet awa
which is two feet less than Vivitar's rec-
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Yet the difference in the two pictures
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So before you make a choice, compare
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The difference in Sunpak will be as
easy to see asitis here.

PLAYBOY

get 10 more weighty maticrs: Patti's
body doesn't hold much back. That's

how she can have a 36-inch bust measure-
ment and still explode sweaters.

SONGS OF BERNADETTE
Thank you for bringing a great beauty
to your cover Sceing Bernadette Peters
in Beguiling Bernadette (ptavsoy, De-
cember) puts sex back into ladies’ un-
dergarments. Bob Mackie and pLaysoy
have excellent taste in lingerie and in
women. As lor Miss Peters, she can
model for me any те!
Stephen Duban
Columbia, Missouri

Congratulations to Tom Staebler for
his fabulous cover photo of Bernadette
Peters—it is the sexiest I've ever seen.

Nicholas Belperio
Knoxville, Tennessee

I think that you have a cover line on
the December PLAYBOY reversed. Instead
of “BERNADETTE PETERS SHOWS OFF THE
LINGERIE THAT DREAMS ARE MADE OF," it
should read, “LIXGERIE SHOWS OFF THE
PETERS THAT DREAMS ARE

BERNADETTE

MADE ОЕ,
Edwin С. Scott.
Raleigh, North Carolina

Seven years ago, I was sure Bernadette
Peters should be on the cover of
pLavnoy. D actually felt the contours of
her beautiful body when I appeared with
her in W. C. Fields and Me. It was one
of the more pleasurable but diflicult parts
1 have had to play. During rehearsal 1
was lying on top of her for three or four
minutes while the crew set up the lights
and camera. On cue, Rod Steiger (as
W. C. Fields) broke into a dressing room
where I was "making love" to Miss
Peters. We had to jump up from the

couch, and it was difficult for me to stay
on my feet. You see, my part called for
me to wear a pair of roller skates at the
time. Bernadette was charming to work
with, and I am glad to see she made the
coyer in December

Jacques Foti

Los Angeles, California

SHEL GAME
“Shel Silverstein’s work's been іп
PLAYBOY / For at least 20 years, maybe
more / And the cartoons he's drawn and
the tales that he’s told / Have never,
not once, been a bore / But in your De-
cember pLaynoy, Shel got carried away /
Hes got 35 people at Rosalie’s Good
Eats Café | Now I've heen around in
many a town / Eaten at many a late-night
calé / But 35 people at two in the morn-
jn't! / Take that artistic license away!”
Jeff Stewart
Santa Ana, California

Having just read Rosalie’s Good Eats
Café, Vd swear Т had sat in that very
same diner at the morning on
Saturday night. Shel Silverstein has re-
markable wisdom and insight. Please
give us more poetry of this caliber

Gina Anderson
Tignall, Georgia

two

HOORAY FOR “HOLLYWOOD”?

My husband reads PLAYmOY every
month—I read the articles and inter-
views. Never has a story such as Confe:
sions of a Cocaine Cowboy (ғі.лувоу,
December) moved me so deeply. What
really impresses that Thomas
Henderson had the guts to ask for help.
Tm not a religious person. but I give
God the credit for helping Thomas. І
think He will alo be responsible for
helping him every day for the rest of his
life to conquer the h: Imost cost.
him that life.

me is

J. Peterson
Edmonton, Alberta

The article on Thomas “Hollywood”
Henderson was very well written. But
the guy's such a bullshit artist. 1 couldn't
finish his Confessions.
Marty Stillwell, Jr.
Queens, New York

‘This is to hail Thomas Henderson and
Walter Lowe, Jr's, Confessions of а
Cocaine Cowboy, Adolescents mesmer-
ized by the amor high’ of the Eighties
should read this article for all the insight
it provides. Unfortunately, it took me,
as well as many other silent tooters
nd basers, too long to realize cocaine
is not the clean drug we were sure it
was. Although I am a firm believer of
moderation in everything, coking is
potentially destructive; danger с
from that first elated high onward. 1

say more self-help would be very useful
for all of us, not just for Hollywood.
I'm not against drug usc, merely its
abuse.
David Kline
Macomb, Illinois

Confessions of a Cocaine Cowboy is
fantastic! Good luck to Thomas Hender-
son. I hope he eventually gets to play
more football and makes it to the Hall
of Fame—not only for his ability but
also for his character, strength and will

Doug Skipper
Marked. Tree, Arkansas

TALL TAILS

Anson Mount's observations on re-
cruiting in Playboy's College Basketball
Preview (December) make one wonder
whatever became of the American tradi.
tion of playing sports for the sheer joy
and fun of it. Soon we will probably be
hiring neat, polite athletes to do our
jogging for u:

William A. Holman
Largo, Florida

Hey, Anson Mount, what's it take to
get mentioned in Playboy's College Bas-
Кейий Preview? Granted, Pan American
University sounds like a training school
for flight attendants and our coach isn’t
quick with the one-liners (Abe Lemons
moved to the University of Texas from
Pan American), but our basketball team
is consistently a winner. Last year, we
knocked off Wichita State. perennial
powerhouse Marquette and eventual
N.C.A.A. champion Indiana

Lawrence W. Miller, Ph.D.
Pan American University
Edinburg, Texas

It must have been a tall order finding
tuxedos for pLaynoy’s All-American bas-
ketball team, But why did you put them
all in gym shoes, making the country's
best ballplayers look like well-dressed.
à track meet?

(Name and address
withheld by request)

Gingiss Formalwear provided those
terrific team tuxes and (аз you can see

waiters

here) dress shoes, But the guys felt more
at home in basketball shoes, and they're
bigger than we are.

HAT’S A SPECIAL EVENING WITHOUT
A LITTLE MAGIC?

(С)

КИЛТИ

Baileys. A unique taste so silken, so full of character,
only one word can describe it. Magic.

Perhaps it's that taste of magic that has made Baileys
America’s fastest growing liqueur.

: BAILEYS.TASTE THE MAGIC.

PLAYBOY

Beneath every stylish man,

theresa Dexter. 2-74

Beautifully styled. Crafted from |
exquisitely soft, supple leathers. Light.
Flexible. Remarkably comfortable.

In short, a fine American-made
shoe with your kind of style. At your
kind of price.

Because that's Dexter's style.

Shoerrakers to Amenca

Deter Shoe Company, 31 St James Avenue. Weston, МА UAIG

A Regorters Notebook

THE COLUMN I'LL BE WRITING
AT THE END OF REAGAN'S TERM

By RICHARD REEVES we asked this national political pundit
to look into the future—and to file his copy a few years early

SANTA BARBAKA—Ronald Reagan
laughed most of the way home. Half
of the five-hour flight from Washington
to California was filled with joki
toasts and one of them brought the
former President to his feet

"With me ad!” he cracked
when B friend Jack Wrather
proposed he forget published
memoirs and do the first Presidential
movie, Then the former President—
former for less than eight hours—
looked out the window of Air Force
One, lent to hin
President Glenn. He r
the general direction of Iowa and said:
“То the American people. God bless
"em—ihey re an ornery bunch."

They were, indeed. After he decided
not to seck re-election, Ri n told a
couple of friends that the folks out
there had wicked him. ey cheered
lis tough, hon Ik about [rec enter-
prise and selfreliance—about not be-
ing pushed around anymore by godless
Commies or wellare mothers. Then,
after the cheering died, they told
George Gallup and Louis Harris that
they would vote for almost any Demo-
andidate іп 1984.

Well, they did love what he was
ing. But they didn't be
he did.

What Reagan didn't get was that

modern Americans are only theoretical-
ly conservative. They are opei
liberal. Have been for quite
in the Filties, Lloyd А.
Hadley Cantril did surveys for Nelson
Rockefeller and concluded that most
Americans talk about wanting govern-
ment spending cut but are opposed to
any reductions in Social Security pa
ments, Re: med that in the
summer of 1981—too late. His Presi
Чепсу—ог at least his political
was probably doomed when he tried w
dismantle the welfare state everyone

complaining about
modern Americans, Reagan
also learned the hard way, are not

particularly interested in going to
war—or in even talking about fighti

and dying. For more than 20 ye
had traveled America, promising to
make us strong again and to make the
world safe for its реце А
businessmen and their customers
Big. vague talk. People loved it. But
it was diflerent when a President with
to do more than talk began
g hints about giving "them" a
El Salvador. Poland or West

егісі

message when his popular ү
slipped around the middle of 1981
with the Adn
ing America's sons to El Salvador. He
should have noticed that one out of five

of the young men who were supposed
to register for the dratt that year didn't
bother to show up.

He also never шісі to deal with
the fact that he never really had the
support of the American majority—
women. In 1980, women voters had
divided about evenly between Reagan
and Jimmy Carter, while
the Republican by almost 20 percent-
age points.

Women voted against him then, sur-
veys indicated. because he seemed too
militaristic. He was—and every time it
showed, he lost female support. He did
not understand that new antimilita-
тїт. Asa survivor of the Ваше of Bur-
acted

in i

ot up. wiped off the
sup м out lor a few beers. He
scared the hell out of people—particu-
larly women and children.

ck to the ranch. Ronald
п thought democracy could be
used to turn the affairs of the nation
back to men of business. He wanted to
use the American people. They wanted
to use him—and they did—to stop the
choking growth of government. Democ-
racy worked—not lor a President but
for people who wanted to pursue hap-
piness, which might be defined as

peace and personal welfar [y]

Introducing the 1982 Scirocco:
Shaped for the wind.

And increased rear-end

Aerodynamics isn't just for the birds.
It affects everything that moves
through the atmosphere. The better the
shape, the better the performance.
And, the better the efficiency.

Especially true for the 1982 Scirocco

Using а wind tunnel, VW fine-tuned
their sportscar s outline to slice throug
the most formidable headwinds

with greater ease. Its 1.7-liter fuel-
injected engine rips from 0 to 50 in 8.5
fleet seconds

In the process, VW reduced front-end

lift by 30%
road huggability (with VW's patented
spoiler) а whopping 60 h
front-wheel drive Scirocco now has
greater stobility on open roads

and surer handling to weave through
tight

Nothing else
is a Volkswagen.

Forward visibility has been improved

h a lower nose and a more sharply
raked windshield. And you can see
more of what you leave behind with a
larger, curved window in back,

Additionally, the newly design

Scirocco has more interior room an
quieter ride.

And, with less air resistance as you go
breezing down the highways, VW has
reduced yet another drag to cwning a
sportscar these days. Excessive gas
guzzling

highwoy mpg and

mpg. (Use 'estimoted
тра” foi parisons. Your mileag
varies with weather, speed and trip
length. Actual highway mileage will
probably be less.)

Break tradition.

" Drink Ronrico Gold Rum instead.
3 Бл, Ronrico Gold Rum is а lot more than just
4 = 4 қ provocatively flavorful. It’s also smooth,
y > » mellow, and terrifically mixable.
Try it and chances are you'll be happily
3 forsaking your traditional bourbon, blend,
% and Canadian—not to mention your

Scotch, in virtually no time at all.
, Look, it takes some courage to try
f — something just a little bit different, but how
will you know what you're missing if you
never take a chance?

RONRICO GOLD RUM
& CLUB SODA

Y ons. of Ronrico Gold
Canada Dry club soda
Place 2 or 3 ice cubes in an 8 oz.
highball gloss. Add Ronrico Gold.
Fill with club seda. Stir lightly.
Garnish with a slice of lime.

PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS

“ШАМА BEER?

It retails for five dollars a bottle and
packs the kick of а goat—a high-country
goat. Made of “all natural ing
this brand of beer. Hi-Brew Becr. is also
known as “The Wacko One.” And in-
deed it is wacko, for along with purified
water, sug
citric acid. th
also contains а
marijuana

Allegedly, a couple of sips could send
one soaring, or so maintained the pur-
veyors of the drink when narcotics offi-
cers busted the brewmaster. The gold
label that carried instructions on drink-

adients,”

ar, yeast. malt, Irish moss and

product of San Francisco
healthy clement of

ing HiBrew noted: "Chill contents,
have glass ready. Remove cap gently,
pour contents into glass. leaving sedi

Do not drink scd

slogan

ment in bottle
^ Madison Av
explain it all
Only One.

nuc
When You're Having

scems to

A Peoria, Illinois
gered the local humane socicty when,
acting on a complaint. he went after a
bat with a tennis racket. Apparently, the

police officer an-

police officer bragged he had eliminated
the mean mammal “in three straight
sets.” The humanesociety spokesman
said, “Our policy does not condone that

sort of treatment.”
.

In the San Francisco Bay Area, some
Army officers’ cars are sporting bumper
stickers that ask, HAVE YOU HUGGED YOUR
PRIVATES TODAY?

Attention. shoppers! This classified ай
is from a Florida paper: “Peter Meter.
Measures circumference, width and

length. Measures up to 6" in circumfer-

ence, 14” in length and 4” in width.
Separare attachments for measuring
balls, accessories for soft head clamps,

ze head—soft or hard." Ye

any . but

safeguards do we have that this
product won't fall into the wrong hands?

NUMBER TWO WITH A BULLET

State Representative Mike Martin
wasn't winning any popularity contests
in the Texas state legislature and decided
to do something about it. The best way to
garner sympathy these da get
shot—prelerably by someone working
for the Forces of Evil. С Manson
couldn't get out, so Martin enlisted his
cousin. Charles Goff. Martin, who tells
us that he ran for office on the personal
advice of Jesus Christ, is a born-again
Christian pparendy didn't want
to wy for a third time: Golf was in-
structed to inflict only a flesh wound
he injured politician maintained he
was ambushed by a satanic cult known
as the Guardian Angels of the Under-
world. Clouds of suspicion threatened
to sully Martin's ma
and he chose to go into seclusion. Law-
enforcement authorities found him se-

s is to

rles

but

tyrdom, however,

cluded in a large stereo cabinet in the
home of his parents. We'd bet our bot-
tom Bible we know what his defense will
be: “The Devil made me do it.

HANKY-SPANKY
York newspapers couldn't resist
S “CHEERY TAXMAN WAS
and
baldin,

New
headlines such

“CAUGHT RED
IRS tax col-

PHANTOM SPANKER

HANDED!" when a

lector was arrested and charged with
fraud involving unfulfilled movie con-
tracts. with young, auractive women
whom. police say. he spanked oncamera.

Some 200 women have complained to
the Manhattan Ю.А office that
old Stephen Davidson lured them to a
rented “audition” studio, put them over
his knee and spanked their bottoms 25
times in search of “the perfect scream”
for a movie. The taxman's wife, at home
in New Jersey with the couple's two
children, refused to bail him out.
.

Gee, that makes us about even. This
from The Daily Dispatch of Moline. ШЕ
"About 1000 cmployces of the
John Deere Davenport Works will be
laid throughout January."

Here's 81-year-old film director George
Cukor reflecting on “Oh, yes,
Гуе had regrets. Luckily, I no longer
remember what the

nois:

s past

MARRYING UP

Psst! Want to know how to marry a
millionaire or an heiress? According to
Joanna Steichen
daughter from Brooklyn who grew up to
become the wife of rich and famous pho-
tog Edward Steichen, it’s nothing that
n't be learned in one easy lesson. For a
measly 526, New York's Network for
Learning will enroll aspiring goldbrick-

ers іп Stcichen’s crass course, “How to

а shoemaker's grand-

PLAYBOY

Marry Money.” The secret, she tells her
standing-room-only audiences, is simple:
“To marry money, act rich.”

You need not be embarrassed to prac
tice the art of snuggling up to cold cash
by making the snooty salesclerks at
Tiffany's let you touch the diamonds or
by browsing at Bergdorf Goodman for
the simple pleasures of feeling expensive
furs. There is also required reading for

would-be Messrs. and Mmes. Megabucks.
Stephen Birmingham's The Right
People and Jacqueline Bouvier Kenned;
Onassis, for instance, or the short stories
in The New Yorker—highly recom-
mended by Steichen for “a sense іс
wealthy people talk or how they look
at things.”

Whether you're doing
status or plain old ordi

how

it for securit
ary greed, you

REAL-LIFE TAX! DRIVER

James Pridaux

is 96. but the
lines beneath
and at the sides

of his eyes sug-
gest an older

man. He drives,
a yellow cab in
Manhattan 70
hows a week,
lives in the
Bronx and
hopes one day to
own his own
taxi

On a chilly re-
cent afternoon,
as Pridaux
wheeled his cab
round the cor-
ner of d < nd Seventh Ave-
пис into Times Square. he inclined
head toward the back se:
You're new in town,
he asked

The businesssuited young man said,
“Yeah, Гат.

“OK by me. Out-ol-towners are bet-
ter tippers.

The young man shifted nervously
on his wallet. Pridaux honked hi
horn and shouted at a motorcycli:
who quickly got out of the way.
he smiled into the rearvi
include his passenger y

“I can tell. New Yorkers stick their
arms straight up and holler for a hack,
but outol-towners just kind of wave
a little and hope somebody stops.

“A cabby knows who to look for.
Me. I look for the younger folks and.
such. They feel like it’s their duty to
tip pretty good. Folks who ain't from
New York are usually good tippers,
but sometimes they don't tip at all.
Where they come from there's no

спа?"

cabs. I guess. You know who the
worst tippers are? The blacks. It

don't matter if they're all dressed
о out of a show or
іп Harlem. Won't
g. Maybe they're still
ng lynched and such, 1 don't

know."
He accelerated.
to cut off another cab.

nd changed Lanes

m from the

Bronx. Been
driving a hack
seven years.
Make about 61
cents a mile. T
figure іп five

more years I can
maybe get me
my own me
lion and marry
my girl, Anna
She lives

OK. since

from the
Bronx. I could
buy a couple
hacks and hire
guys to drive for
me. and be a regular cab baron."

His passenger wondered if he had
driven any celebrities.

Оһ. sure. Lauren Hutton, for one.
She's got a hole in between her front
лесіп. And Richard Thomas, and
Fred Stanley of the Yankees. But one
of these days. Fm gonna pull around
a corner and there'll be Jimmy Hoffa
1 g me down. Then ГИ tell all
the papers and get famous.

“Weather ain't bad toda
know wi ne of year I like best?
The Summer weekends
can roll my window down and stop
and cat a sandwich in the p
People don't get mad as much the

she's

summer

d they tip better, too. Wish it
wasn’t so cold today.”
He pulled curbside and. flicked the

meter ой.

“OK, here we аге. Listen, flag me
down next time you're in town—see
how I'm doing.

The visitor paid the fare and added
a dollar. He said he didn't know
when he'd be back in the city.

‘That don’t matter. ГЇ still. be

baron.

cab.
robably FI just be driving this

Шу won't be a

ne hack, going home to drink
few beers—you know, waiting for the
summerti — KEVIN COOR

have to at least (ry to stalk your prey
with subtlety. Don't ask how much
things cost and don't grouse about. how
tough it is to pay the rent. And for
heaven's sake, forget about binding ties
with old-line blue bloods, who, accord-
ng to Steichen. "have their own com-
pounds, their own sheltered lives

If all else fails. she advises lowering
your sights and manying for nothing
but love. Why? Because "there prob-
ably won't be enough [of the filthy rich]
to go around.”

LET'S MAKE A HEIL

Hey! Eva Braun of Berlin. German
Come on down and make a trade!

That's exactly what American car buff
Tom Barrett is proposing if she is still
alive. Recently, a new investigation of
the Hitler bunker site revealed that the
body assumed to be Braun's probably
wasn't. She may still be alive and living
in seclusion. So Barrett is offe
return her metallicgold 1938 Mercedes
Benz, valued at $500,000.

It would be a hell of a gift, if we
could get her to come out of hiding.”
says Tom.

Should Eva show up and refuse the
car. second and third prizes are а date
with the known Comic at a Mexican
restaurant of her choice in Los Angeles

ng to

and a trip to exotic Argent chap-
eroned by Bill Cullen.
HOG WILD
And vou thought your neighborhood

d problems. s
Georgia, were recently p
“bi
their streets. The 300-pound razor
fatally gored ten farm animals

of Augusta,
gued by a
igged out in
ack
ad

ered and shot

Just why did the hog go ape in the first
place? One local game warden explained
that the porker may have panicked alter
a nearby farmer sold his herd of 30 fe-
male hogs. “That destroyed this fellow's
sex lile," the warden concluded.
.

h serious personal prob-
lems, take note: Mezzo-soprano Claudine
Carlson sang favorite arias from Sig-
mund Freud's era for 300 psychoanalysts
at Chicago's Ritz-Carlton Hotel.

Opera fans wi

SCOUTS HONOR

In Ann Arbor, Michigan, Explorer
Scouts have been acting as undercover
operatives for local police busting nast
bar and restaurant owners for selli
beer to underage space cadets, The po-
lice send the scouts into stores and bars
and have them ask for hooch. If the
salesman or bartender serves them, the
police pounce. In the first six months

STANDARD OF THE WEST

SINCE 1879

dits

Шаса

DOM SEC HOUTTR

Tuaca
„ Thebold but subth sweet
Italian liqueur.

NEW

| CCTBIS

Want to plan ahead for your finan-
cial well-being? Do you think it's too
late to invest in coins, stamps, gold,
antiques? Relax, Bunhie. Andrew
Feinberg has assembled this bumper
crop of untouched possibilities. Start
your collections today.

Celebrity Shopping Lists—Uterly
and disarming, these most
timate personal statements sometimes
tell us more about our heroes than
we really care to know. Among the
most prized lists are those of Shelley
Winters (710 Ibs. steak, 15 cans ravi-
oli, 3 dozen eggs, 82, 64, 87 Twinkies,
2 men") and Gerald Ford ("Band-
gauze, Веп-Сау. Band-Aids, hy-
drogen peroxide, more gauze, helmet,
crullers, job").

Ancient Male Contraceptives—Take
your friends on a stroll into the pro-
phylactic past with a collection that
includes a sun-bleached and tapered
raccoon bladder, a lubricated rattle-
snake skin, hollowed-out pine cones.
Saran Wrap, tree bark, clothespins
and а painting (by Velazquez) of
Countess Marie Theresa della Dewlap.

Bizarre Ice Cream Flavors—Such
fantastic concoctions may appreciate
dramatically in coming years because
the Food and Drug Administration
has ruled that none of them can ever
be replicated. The banned and cov-
eted flavors include Clams Oreganata,
Cheddar Ennui, Red Wine Hangover,
Wendy, Lox Medley and Landfill on
My Mind.

Autographs of Italian Prime Minis-
ters Since World War Two—Fascinat-
ing ficld, but you have to stay on your
toes. Display space could prove a
problem.

Classic Chamber Pots—Before the
flush toilet was even a gleam in Thom-
as Старрег eye, such lovely recep-
taces kept people happy. Lucky col-
lectors throughout history have made
millions from possessing rare and
shimmering examples, a circumstance
we have come to know as pot luck.
Many of these nifty thunder mugs are
beautifully decorated in styles ranging
from Romanesque High Relief to Art
Drecko, including such vigorous cx-
amples as Rembrandt's breath-taking
Self-Portrait After Bran Festival.

Indianana—For years the smug so-
phisticates have been collecting tacky
objects bearing the stamp of New
Jersey, a hobby requiring more endur-

ance than discrimination. As a result,
collectors have been ignoring remark-
able treasures from one of the most
exciting states bordering Illinois,
Ohio and Michigan. Our favorite
pieces include Happy Hoosier Fh
paper, swank swizzle sticks from the
Evansville Holiday Inn and soft Indy
500 гі FASTER THAN A. J. FOYT boxer
shorts.

In-Flight Gastrointestinal Ultra-
Turbulence PeploExpulsion Bags—
Collect the colorful receptacles from
overseas airlines so that when friends
come over to dine on your fantastic
Sauerbraten, you can use а Lufthansa
Heave-Ho trencher sack as a center-
piece. Among the snazier intern:
tional designer bags are those from
Qantas (fur lined to approximate a
Kangaroo pouch); an appropriately
greenish Aer Lingus dingus; a witty
SAS S О 5 bag; and the quintessential
El Al “See what happens when you
eat like a bird?" bag.

Found Underweav—If you often
ride in taxicabs, we assume you al-
ready have a sizable collection. Don't
be bashful; go for it. Swap ‘em, stroke
‘em, wear ‘em. Put some fun in your
buns. (It's best to be discreet about
this hobby around your ladyfriend.
if she is a sighted person.)

Rejection Letters—These are ас
tually very rare, because most recip-
ients have been in such a hurry to
incinerate them. Among the most
renowned surviving documents chroni
cling the heartbreak of the famous
опе received by William Shakesp:

"Yes, I agree that it's the best p
ever written about Denmark, Big
fuckin' deal! When will you learn to

stop being so highlalutin equivocal?
Either the prince should sleep with
his mother carly on or you should
drop that subplot like a hot potato
This brilliant prince of yours may not
bc able to make up his mind, but 1
can. No sale, big gu

Exotic Soup Tureens—The prob-
lem here is that most owners wisely
deny having them, so it is difficult to
assess how many exist in the world.
Among our favorites is one with
handles cast from Napoleon's feet;
another is a charming rellectable with
mirrored s ably, makes
any user resemble Zachary Taylor or
Yvonne DeCarlo, depending on one's
height.

of the program, 69 warrants have been
issued. What some scouts won't do [ог
a merit badge.

THE INSCRUTABLES

The Japanese are in the middle of a
love affair with the English language,
though its clear that many do not un-
derstand the subtleties of the mistress.
Status in Tokyo is a T-shirt, handbag or
other item displaying a printed English
phrase, regardless of the message. For
instance, one elderly woman was seen
carrying a shopping bag that in fine
script said, LET'S FUCK. A teenage girl
was spotted in a T-shirt imprinted with
HOT MILK right over her breasts.

One particular T-shirt, however, has
become legendary among Americans liv
ing there. Some have seen it, and all
hope to. Who knows if the Japanese
derstand LET'S SPORT VIOLENCE ALL DAY
тоха? Who knows if we do?

ASTIFF COLLAR
While pawing through the clothing in
Thomas Simons’ luggage, the San Fran-
cisco International

when the shirts
with enough starch to hold a cadaver

nd pants were laced

upright? Only it wasn't starch but. two
ds of pure heroin.

nons, a ?7-yearold professional
skier from Los Angeles, claimed he was
bringing the $2,000,000 worth of smack
to an strictly for the
friend's personal use. But a U.S. Attor-
ney pointed out that the friend must
have been stockpiling for the long run,
that much heroin would last an in
dividual 70 years. The judge agreed and
sentenced Simons to three years in a
Federal pen, where, presumably, he
could work in the prison laundry.

A news item in the York County edi-
tion of the Portland, Maine, Press
Herald declared that the Maine Lumber-
jacks basketball team had to postpone a
game and headlined the item: “Jacks
OFF UNTIL JAN. 3.

GAILY TRIPPING.

The West Coast edition of Gayellow
Pages is a compendium of resources most
useful to the peripatetic gay. For the
limp-wristed traveler to ncisco,
we suggest the following itinerary, culled
from its pages: Check into the Brothel
Hotel on Sutter Street or, if your prefer-
ences run in that direction, the South of
the Slot Hotel on Folsom, Then you'll be
ready for the bar scene. Best to visit Oil
Сап Harry's before going on to End Up.
finishing up with the White Swallow.
Before blowing town in your vintage VW,
have it tuned by the specialists at, of
course, The Buggery.

MUSIC

p^ ON THE RUN: The gig was in
New York. The band was down in
Philly. What was called for, obviously,
was to move the band.

Sounds simple enough. In practice,
though, it was a lot more complicated
than you might expect, because the band
we're talking about is the Philadelphia
Orchestra, some 120 members strong,
weighed down with everything from cop-
per-bellied kettledrums to Chinese gongs
to industrial-sized glockenspiels. Even
when the orchestra travels light—for а
Carnegie Hall one-nighter like this one,
say, as opposed to a three-week tour
of the Orient—its baggage consists of
roughly 20,000 pounds of instruments
valued at well over $1,000,000, enough
tuxedos for an affair of state, a small
br ted battalion
of music stands and stools, even its very
own conductors podium and lectern.
Sulfice it to say they don't just throw the
stuff into the back of somcone's van and
hit the road.

How, then, do they get all that
equipment and all that personnel from
one place to us
nough to spy on this herculean schlep-
ping that is done in the name of art.
The stars of this show are the orchestra's
stage crew—three gentle giants named

Ed Barnes, Jim Sweeney and Ted Haup-
tle. who look as if they could bend
tubas with their bare hands but who
have the grave delicacy to handle violins
that market for roughly $15,000 apiece
or more and in some cases are older
than the U. i:

To get a feel for what these guys do,
we started in Philadelphia on the after-
noon belore the New York City gig. On.
that day, the band had a recording ses-
sion at Philly's old Metropolitan Opera
House while the stage crew got ready to
move. It set up the 56 enormous trunks
in which most of the gear is toted. It
prepared the strangely humanoid double-
bass cases that looked like something
from Fantasia. Outside, a 45-foot wailer
took up half a block of curb space.

Starting about 30 seconds after the
recording session's final chord, a stam-
pede of musicians came charging up the
aisles, slapping fiddles into cases, yanking
trombone slides out of sockets and head-
ing for the door: Their days work was
done. For the crew, it was just starting.
Bares was checking and locking the
trunks—brand-new and representing а
cool $33,000 in luggage. Hauptle, in de-
fiance of the laws of physics, was ma-
neuvering a bass drum up the aisle on
a ad truck and finessing it through a
doorway that looked narrower than the
drum itself. Sweeney disappeared behind
a double bass that then seemed to float
along under its own power. Timpani

that weighed in at more than 200
pounds each were lifted into the trunks

as if they were made of Styrofoam, Half

the woodwind section's instruments were
expertly packed into a single crate. The
such
ning, such unforced camaraderie, that
it could һауе been an ad for Miller
Time.

xactly 58 minutes and 17 seconds
after the end of the recording session.
the job was done. Every serap of mate-
rial the orchestra would need was in
the trailer. And every inch of space
had been used—in all, some 3000 cubic
feet had been filled by the apparatus
the orchestra would use to calm the
savage breast. Still, Barnes seemed a little
embarrassed about the job his crew had
done. “We're not used to these new
trunks yet" he said. "We usually load
in about 40 minutes.

crew moved with such economy,

the band itself traveled
to New York on a special train, a two-
car charter, The nonsmoking car had
the sort of ambience that you might
expect if you believed the stereotypes
about symphonic musicians—there was
a highbrow dullness in that car, a thick
sincerity that suggested the slowest slow
movements of Mahler. People read good
books and ate wholesome snacks out of
brown-paper bags. Some stared soul-
fully out the window at New Jersey.
The smoking car, on the other hand,
most closely resembled Saturday night
in a union hall somewhere on the out-
skirts of Detroit. Cigar smoke hung heavy

in the air. The noise level was for-
tissimo. Men argued politics, rhapso-
dized about Monday-night — football,

cheerlully maligned each other's ethnic
ckgrounds. Izzy Schwartz, 66 years old
and with more than three decades’ ten-
ure in one of the world's great violin

found a gigantic hunk of cardboard that,
laid across their knees, made a dandy
poker table.

By the time the musicians, still in their
motley traveling clothes, straggled up
to Carnegie Hall, the stage crew had

been there for a couple of hou
struments and music had been laid out.
Chairs and stands had been arranged in
a graceful crescent.

By concert time, eight P.M., a certain
flawless illusion had been created—of
perfect order, calm and dignity, whicl
by tradition, at least, is the sine qua non
for the presentation of classical music.
The orchestra was resplendent in white
tie and sober expression—no one cracked
wise and there wasn't a stogie in sight.
The stringed instruments gleamed with
a rich patina and the brass glinted un-
der the lights. So perfect was the tableau
that, by the time conductor Eugene
Ormandy raised his baton, it seemed that
the Philadelphia Orchestra had bee
sitting there, poised, for all eternity.
There was not the slightest suggestion
that it was, after all, a band on the гип.

And what higher compliment can one
ge crew than to

pay the sta y that, at
performance time, when it counted, thei
labors could be neither seen nor heard?

Barnes and Sweeney and Hauptle sat
in the wings апа waited. Within an houi
of the final chord, they'd have the
trailer loaded апа heading back to
Philly.

REVIEWS

Before he gained national fame as
Dr. John. the Night Tripper, he was
Mac Rebennack, the much-soughtafter
Louisiana session pianist. It’s that ear.
lier part of his career that Dr. John
delves into on Dr. John Рісуз Moc Reben-
nack (Clean Cuts). Although Dr. John's
playing is competent enough technically,
the thrill of this music is something
transcendent, ephemeral, the stuff from
which legends spring. Here, Rebennack
pays homage to most of the piano greats
from his native New Orleans, including
Professor Longhair, Fats Domino and
Huey “Piano” Smith, plus Bloomington,
Indiana's, Hoagy Carmichael, whose
The Nearness of You merits the only
vocal treatment on the album. This is a
beautiful solo effort, nicely recorded
and produced by one of those young,
independent labels. Don't let that fool
you—it's at most record stores.

A veteran of the classic L.A. tei
band The Runaways, Joan Jett be;
solo career last year with a hit LP and
a sultry sound that was one part rock
and one part black leather and chains,
nailed down by her band The Black-
hearts. Now with the release of Р Love
Rock ^n Roll (Boardwalk), her career is in
full swagger and, despite her form-fitting
onstage outfits that drive the little boys
wild, she seems to be establishing herself
аз a more or less genderless rocker. Her
voice, something along the lines of the

[ Па Ё | ТЕСН дин н
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sound you would make if you could
clench your throat instead of your jaws,
occasionally slips into а well-inflected
yelp and even an occasional sweetly
melodic phrase. But, hard-ass androgy-
nous rocker that she Jett still pays
homage to that original girl-rock im-
presario Phil Spector.

The Cars are a little like Studebaker's
Avanti in the Sixties—sleek and very
self-consciously modern. This year's
model, Shake It Up (Elektra), is no ех
ception. Their market-proven formula
of icily layered synthesizers, deadpan
rhythm tracks and Ric Ocasck's tortured-
but-cool lyrics about lust, fulfilled and
otherwise, still carries an air of mystery;
while Roy Thomas Baker's tiered pro-
duction never sounded better, The Cars
probably can't get much more polished
without wearing a little thin, but for
now, the band is still one of the slickest
contemporary models on the road.

If you like cars with tail fins, you'll
love Seiji Ozawa and the Boston Sym-
phony's rendition of Gustav Mohler, Sym-
phony Number 8 (Philips Digital). Such
sweep, such grandeur, such sheer un-
abashed size! The Eighth—nicknamed
the Symphony of a Thousand because
no fewer than 1030 musicians and sing-
ers participated in its premiere back
1910—is scored for two mixed choruses
plus a boys chorus plus eight soloists
plus a gargantuan orchestra that in-
cludes everything from mandolin to
organ. Mahler marshaled the heavy ar-
tillery for this one mainly because he
used for his text nothing short of
Goethe's Faust—the holy of holies for a
German romanticist. The result of all
this manpower and mythology is a tran-
scendently stately and enormous piece of
music—the 1959 Caddy of the symphonic
literature.

SHORT CUTS

McCoy Tyner / La Leyenda de іс Ною (Co-
lumbia): The piano colossus goes Latin
for an LP that is typically free-fingered
but atypically down to earth.

Diona Ross/ Why Do Fools Fall in Love
(RCA): Lady Di gives the glossy treat-
ment to the Frankie Lymon classic and
Brenda Lee's Sweet Nothings—which
pretty well describes her hotcha! zebra-
stripe outfit on the cover.

The Knack / Round Trip (Capitol): Well,
they weren't the new Beatles—but they
may be the new Monkees.

Jimmy Cliff / Give the People What They
Want (MCA): Power to the people, sweet
reggae style, from an allstar line-up
and a voice like a gentle avenging
angel's, warning of dark things to come.
Diamond / Оп the Way to the Sky
(Columbia): like sushi—a prized
delicacy or yucky raw fish, depending
оп your taste.

FAST TRACKS

A REAL SHAGGY-BIRD STORY: You may have heard that the Man in Black, Johnny
Cash, keeps a flock of ostriches in the back yard of his Nashville home. Well,

one of those alleged pets went on a rampage and kicked out the jams—Johnny's
jams, that is—and fractured three of the singer's ribs. We think the bird should
get a black belt in karate and go on the road as a bodyguard. Then, М some
drunk got really rowdy, the bird could drop-kick him into the next county.

EELING AND ROCKING: The Stones
R picked Hel (Coming Home) Ashby
to make the film of their recent Amer-
ican tour. . . . Olivia Newton-John will
star in a film version of D. Н. Lawrence's
Kangaroo with Breaker Movant's Bryan
Brown. .* . Debbie Harry will play the
lead in a new horror film, Video-
drome. . . . The Blues Brothers, John Belushi
and Dan Aykroyd, аге making yet an-
other movie together: Sting Man, a
comedy based on the Abscam scan-
dals. Barry Gibb plans to star in
a remake of Errol Нупп'ѕ famous Cap-
lain Blood. . . . And speaking of
Flynn, Woyne Newton says he definitely
plans to portray the great swash-
buckler on film. That's going to take
some getting used to. . . . George Hor-
rison, who produced last winter's fan-
tasy movie Time Bandits, decided
not to sell the picture in person in
America. Why? Harrison said, “The
low profile I maintain in the United
States is why I'm alive today.” . . .
You will be able to see A Hard Day's
Night again this spring in a theater
near you. It has been re-recorded in
Dolby.

NEWSBREAKS: Robert Altman, who re-
cently directed a couple of off-Broad-
way plays, has another project in the
works, a play called Come Back to
the Five and Dime, Jimmy Dean,
Jimmy Dean, and he hopes Cher will
be taking one of the main roles in
it. . . . Kiss plans some concerts this

а ng work on its con-
The Elder, The Elder
has been written so that a sequel can
be recorded. . . . Why didn't we think
of this first? A new cassette magazine
called S-F-X is now available in Eng-
land. It's an hour long and features
music, interviews, record reviews and
advertising. "The Brits can buy it

at newspaper stands for just under a
dollar. .. . Broadway may soon be get-
ting a first—a rock ballet that will be
based on Kit Willioms’ best-selling book
Masquerade. . . . We like Dovid Lee
Roth's description of the new Van Halen
album: “It’s going to be a religious
disco concept album loosely based on
flamenco music.” See, rockers do have
a sense of humor. A new Fleet
wood Mac album is expected next
month. Neil Diamond's lawyers have
cut an incredible deal with Columbia
Records—a reported $30,000,000 for
eight albums. . . . News flash! Barry
Monilow admits what we've known all
along, that he’s a boring guy. Says
Manilow: “There's nothing much to
spend money on. I'm not into yachts,
Rolls-Royces, drugs or wild partie
He did, however, compare his music
10 that of ted Zeppelin. “It’s as impor-
tant and as good as anything they've
done.” Say good night, Barry. . . .
Who's Ted Nugent's dad's favorite mu-
sician? Lawrence Welk. . . . The Mem-
phis State University Library has
received a substantial collection of
rock memorabilia from writer Jerry
Hopkins. Hopkins has written about
Elvis and Jim Morrison and is currently
doing research оп Jimi Hendrix.

RANDOM RUMORS: We love the two
following stories, true or not: Con-
vict Robert Wayne Leath broke out of
the Maine State Prison and went 160
miles down the road to play lead
guitar with a country-nusic band. The
patrons got mad when the police
arrived to take him back into cus-
тоду. . . . There is а church in San
Francisco that venerates the late jazz
great John Coltrane. Parishioners bake
bread with Coltrane's picture on it
and sell it to schools —ВАВВАВА NELLIS

ADVENTURES

Т“ зип-Ыеасһей skeleton of a long-
horn steer lay sprawled beside the
heat-cracked road like a corny omen in
a Ron Reagan Western, but few of the
7000 or so cyclists stampeding past it
seemed to notice. Pumping and panting,
they climbed the first long hill leading
out of the Mexican border town of
Tecate, hell-bent on pedaling 72.8 miles
through high desert and rugged ranch
land to the Pacific Coast port of En-
senada. According to the rules, the
bicyclists had seven hours to reach their
goal, where a full-blown tequila blitz
was already raging in their honor. The
organizers dubbed the event the 1981
Tecate to Ensenade Fun Bike Ride, but by the
time the vultures started circling. even
the handful of punksters in the multi-
farious mob—kids who on another weck-
end might amuse themselves by worming
and head-banging to the Plasmatics—
were wondering aloud about this unique
application of the word fun.

But Baja California has always been a
land of novel entertainment opportuni-
ties for a certain breed of true-grit gringo
and gringa. Four-wheel-drive fanatics
were the first to go down en masse onto
that infamous appendage that dangles
800 miles into the ifc, and thei
bone-rattling, terr umatizing Baj
500 and Baja 1000 are still yearly affairs.
Then came yacht regattas, motocrosses
and airplane derbies.

Thirteen years ago, some Yankee pro-
moters who сай themselves Monday
International, Inc., dreamed up Monte-
zuma's latest form of revenge, and their
grueling bike ride has become the most
popular, and most peculiar, test of
machismo on the cactus-covered penin-
sula. Co-sponsored last spring by Bud-
weiser and Baja С state secre-
tary of tourism, the springtime cycling
spree attracts a demographic hodgepodge
of doctors, students and free-lance luna-
ics from across the U. and even a
few curious mejicanos.

As soon as the brown-eyed Baja beau-
ty queen launched the ride with the word
Со," a sincere-looking official wearing
a tux jacket, shorts and tennis shoes
grabbed the mike and started pleading:
Remember, this is not a race! Please
vide safely!" Perhaps his appeal was
overwhelmed by the spirited version of
La Bamba blasting trom a loudspeaker
and rebounding off Tecate’s plaster
storefronts, because at least a few hun-
dred of the cyclists who'd crammed their
to position bel
the s е had clearly forgotten
they were supposed to be off for a
pleasant Sunday jaunt. Their eyes glazed
with competitive blood lust, they ram-
paged out of town beneath a cloud of
balloons, two dogfighting news-copters

On the Baja trail
with a bunch
of crazed cyclists.

and a flurry of feathers from the pigeons
some local kids were yanking from a
cage and hurling into the air.

Tight packs of no-nonsense racers
stuttered over the first of several molyb-
denum-mangling dirt stretches, then fol-
lowed the narrow strip of asphalt into
the hills. Behind them came those riders
who hoped only to survive, their athletic
aspirations summed up by a guy who
pedaled with a stick protruding from his
cap. Dangling from the stick, just be-
yond his grasp, was а beer can.

Hitting the top of the first hill, Cecil
softspoken, 49-year-old mai
al-estate portfolios, sprinted
the lead with two hard-core young racers
right on his tail. In fact, right on hi
e—a lightweight, triple-scat, experi
mental screamer he'd had specially built
with the Baja ride in mind. Aggressively
stomping the bike's three sets of pedals,
the team galloped away from the two-
legged field. But while marveling at his
machine's awesome momentum, Ma
covered that its braking system still
1 some flaws. The speedometer was
flashing speeds that are illegal on U.S.
freeways when the fancy disc brakes
decided not to work. Then, with a thick
swarm of cyclists who'd started off early
looming up on the roadway below,
Mays and his crew watched disap-
pointment as the backup brake ds
heated up against the wheels and grad-
ually melted away. The red-hot rims
contorted into smoking alloy pretzels
and the asphalt took its pound of flesh.
from the skittering trio's hides.

With gravity egging them on, the new
front runners tucked in tight and let the
wind blow the tears from their wide-

open eyes. Slowly, the lead packs thinned
as riders jockeyed for position. The first
small pack—three battlescarred young
veterans of the velodrome and road-
racing circuit—barreled into Ensenada
in just over three hours, leaving a trail
of pursuers some 50 miles long.

Fueled by fruit, free beer and delu-
sions of le Tour de France, the pilgrim-
age of stragglers pressed on toward the
sea. More than one heatstroke hot ro-
mance developed on the vineyard-lined
flats as bare-chested men and bikini
topped women exchanged names, num-
bers and gear ratios.

The crest of each hill receded like a
mescal mirage with each new bend in
the road, People lay sprawled beneath
any scrap of scrub oak, attracting the
attention of some spiraling birds of prey.
Folks decked out in sweat-soaked racing
jerseys found that all their lightweight
ampagnolo gear couldn't save them
from the indignity of walking their
bikes, and those who kept on pumping
flashed them condescending smiles.

Local families of ranchers sat on pick-
uptruck tail gates, watching the mad-
men and -women go by. Giggling kids
lined up with their hands out; kamikaze
riders reached ош and slapped their
palms. Water botes, eyeglasses and
first-aid kits slammed onto the pavement,
s like resisting the
а bull run. Whooosh!
Whooosh! Wahooo! Some cowpoke
ipped past with longhorns mounted on
his bike frame. Swish! A guy hissed by
a butterlly suit.

Deflated riders and bikes with flat
tires were piling up in the beds of stake-
sided support trucks, but, with a stream
of survivors pouring in, Ensenada's
streets got livelier still. “I love you, I
love you, I love you," one sun-boggled
surf babe cried she danced out to
fondle each finisher. Meanwhile, over
at Hussong's Cantina, the day's final
challenge was to get inside somehow. A
few late-comers ditched their bikes to
follow оп the pe tails of the
mariachis, who were using trumpets and
guitarrénes to blast through the vocil-
erous mob. Driven by dchyd
Hussong's chartreuse margaritas weri
beginning to look like Gatorade—some
tried to storm the windows whenever
the federales were off guard. Others
opted lor the protein afforded by the
mescal bottles worm. Each new group
of riders to wobble into the bar shouted
stories of their exploits and cursed the
ride's heat and hills. Ignoring the guy
in the gorilla suit who was leading a
hunchback around on a leash, they
toasted the fact it was over and that
they'd all got through it alive.

—non SIPCHE:

flow of a

іоп--

Year after year,
Yamaha comes up
with the same
old thing:

Something different.

It isnt easy, following іп ош олт from paper to pavement.

foot steps.

When you've already built motor-
cycles as reliable as our legendary 650
vertical twin, motorcycles as good

As youll discover on the following
pages, the Vision's more than just an-
other new motorcycle. Its just another
example of the difference an attitude

looking as our Maxim 650, as fastas сап make. An attitude that good enough
our Seca 750, as unexpected as our is not enough. And that, in the
Virago, there's really only one kindof business of propelling man
motorcycle left to build. across pavement, the only
The motorcyclethatsneverbeen real givenis gravity
built before. Which may explain why,
Introducing the Vision. when it comes to anything

As its name implies, the Vision with two wheels
began as something imagined. And and an engine,
with the help of some determined what starts
Yamaha engineers, it successfully out being called m
made one of the most difficult tips ^ impossible, “2
any motorcycle ever makes. The trip ^ usually winds up >

being called d d
a Yamaha. e

For those who appreciate the dif
acceleration and exhil:

If you ve spent much time on a motor-
cycle, you've already figured out that just
going fast gets old pretty fast.

Once you've smoked your best friend,
and scared your girlfriend’s hair a dif-
ferent color, you begin looking for more
ina bike than sheer speed.

gor er

We suggest you look to the right. Ata
brand new motorcycle as responsive as it
is fast. As efficient as it is fast. As maneu-
verable as it is fast.

The Vision.

You'll notice it’s a V-twin, noticeably
different from any V-twin you've ever
seen before.

To get technical, what youre looking

IT
//

your knees when you pitch

at is a shaft-driven 552cc, DOHC, dual-
exhaust, water-cooled vee, with four
valves per cylinder and a 9500 rpm
red-line.

The engine is incredibly narrow,
yet still makes room for things like —

our patented Yamaha Induction
- Control System
(YICS). A special
down-draft carbure-
tion set-up. Anen-
gine balancer. ~
Even an accelerator L
pump in the car- 4A |
buretor assembly
that eliminates all traces
of hesitation the instant you
crack the throttle.

Which means that, in \
terms of straight line accele-
ration, the Vision can take
you from here to the horizon }
in nothing flat.

But what really separates
the Vision from the run-of- |
the-mill road-burner can’t Бе /}
measured in miles per hour. | 7|
It has to do with the tingly |
feeling you get in the back of

Y
^y

\
the Vision into a turn, lean

INNOANNANNNNAE TTT ANN

it over an easy 49 degrees, 7 | \
and roll on the throttle. =

Simply put, the Visioncould >=
be considered the biggest improve-
ment to handling since rubber tires.

Its unique double cradle “hang-

support” frame is designed so the

erence between
tration.

down-tubes extend along the engines
upper crankcase, providing maximum
reinforcement with a minimum of
bulk and weight. That not only allows
the engine to sit lower while main-
taining plenty of ground clearance,
it lets you sit lower, too.

(. ) The extra-low seat
height in combination with
the sculptured tank and
3-way adjustable, forged
aluminum handle-
bars put you in what
ә may bean unfamiliar
position: total control.
The trailing axle front forks

While our race-proven
Monoshock rear suspension
system resurfaces the
road as you ride.

We could go on to
impress you with the
Visions exotic cooling
system, innovative
aerodynamics and
the like.

But more impres-
sive than all the things
we've engineered into
the Vision, is the one
_) thing weve managed

not to engineer out of it.
The thrill of riding one.

Disc brake makes the Vision’s
stopping power as smooth,
steady and controllable as its
going power.

ensure instant, precise response.

The large capacity gas tank
means fewer pit stops. It’s also
carefully designed so you can 2
tuck in and тае as part of the A
machine.

The Vision's unique water-
cooling system features an
aluminum corregate radiator
thats not only lighter than
conventional brass, but dis-
sipates heat more efficiently,
too. An electric, thermostat-
controlled fan pulls air through
the radiator in heavy traffic.

Trailing axle front forks not
only give you better steering
control, they reduce friction -
between the inner andouter
tubes for smoother response.

A special accelerator pump in
the carburetor assembly
eliminates hesitation when Each

The Vision's unique downdraft the throttles opened at low ат]

carburetion set-up lets incoming — Sbeeds. rods
air take the straightest possible twos
path to the combustion one l
chambers, increasing intake incre
efficiency. and

The 552cc, DOHC engine has
Jour valves per cylinder and а
9500 rpm red line.

/
:

ел

The 70 degree, V-twin
engine configuration
contributes to the Vision's
shorter wheelbase. There's
even a single shaft balancer
to reduce vibration.

An expansion and recovery

The distinctive “hang-support” tank eliminates coolant loss

Transistor Controlled Ignition frame design allows lower from overflow. While a therm
broducesa hotter, more efficient CULE placer ment— without stat on the engine block make
spark electronically. No ао ground clearance— for quicker warm ups and |
mechanical breaker points to For a lower co “maintains stable coolant
fuss with or wear out. fot to mention greaternigidily temperatures.

for more precise handling.

Yamaha's Induction Control
System (YICS) literally blasts
the air/fuel mixture around

a NER the combustion chamber to

ushafis with no push-

Dem E distribute the mixture more
[ЖИ ‘Sie b evenly, boosting performance The taillight and rear fender
as it lowers fuel consumption. are beautifully fitted to create

"опе, port area ts one of the best looking angles

ш е of the Vision. For good reason,
B 4 since that’ all most people
will be seeing.

Our race-proven Monoshock
rear suspension practically
re-surfaces the road as you
ride. Spring pre-load is 5-way
adjustable, by simply turning
а knob.

Yamahas state-of-the-art shaft-
drive delivers power with maxi-
mum smoothness, minimum
noise, maintenance and vibration.

The distinctive cast wheels ате
as strong as they are light.

Introducing the Vision.

Can you find the perf

Jfevera line of motorcycles Sleek, fluid, sit-in styling.
dispelled the notion that Ultra narrow, highoutput

beautiful should be seen and engines. Super light frames.
not ridden, it’s the Maxims. The Maxim Series combines

stunning beauty with flat-
out flight.

Of course you carit.

There aint no such animal.

No one motorcycle, 750 or otherwise,
can please every motorcycle rider. Be-
cause every rider is attracted to his own
favorite riding attitude or style.

The machines you see here are
Yamahas typically innovative response to
the above motorcycling truth.

The Maxim 750.

The беса 750.

The Virago 750.

We сап practically guarantee that if
youre in the market for a 750, one of these
machines will be perfect for you.

Because here in the 750 category alone
is more diversity than some manufacturers
offerin their whole line. Machines as
different from each other as you are from
this guy over here. Or that guy over there.

Not only that, each of these bikes is
but one of a complete series of motor-
cycles, each created to deliver its, and your,
own style of riding.

The Maxim Series.

The Seca Series.

The Virago Series.

On the pages to come, well be telling
you about these remarkable machines in
more detail. We suggest you pay very
close attention.

Because one of them is yours.

ect 7/50 on this page?

The Yamaha Secas are lightweight, powerful engines.
designed to be the purest — Race-bred frames, suspen-
expression of all-out perfor- sion and braking systems.
mance on the road today. —— Innovative technological and
With amazingly narrow, electronic wizardry And

lean, crisp styling that says
speed standing still.

The one thing you notice the shaft drive, to the Mono-
about the Virago ts every- shock suspension. These
thing about the Мғаро-/ют laid-back, low-riding, low-
our totally re-engineered revving city/highway
version of the classic V-twin, cruisers say loud and clear
to the monocoque frame, to that the guy on the seat is
definitely an individual. pees

The Maxim Series.

Introducing the maximum Maxim.
And the minimum Maxim.

With the addition of the new 1100 and
400 models you see here, the Maxims now
come in abigger choice of sizes.

Small. Medium. Large.

And huge.

The Eleven is our most powerful proof
that a Maxim, even at its biggest, is still
remarkably lean, low and lightweight.

Its awesome 1101 cc engine not only
looks lean and measures lean. It even runs
lean. Our patented Yamaha Induction
Control System (YICS) makes for more
complete burning, more power per stroke
and more miles per gallon. All without

adding a single moving part.

The frame configuration is specially
designed to give the Eleven all the support
it needs, without all the bulk it doesn’t
need. So you get both a comfortably low
seat height and low center of gravity with-
out sacrificing ground clearance. Not to
mention hairpin-hugging banking angles
some smaller cc bikes can't match.

То transfer all that brute horsepower
to Ше pavement most efficiently, there's a
fully enclosed, direct-coupling shaft drive.
And to bring it all toa smooth, steady halt,
our innovative unified braking system

adjustable, cast alloy handlebars; air-
adjustable front forks and rear shocks; and
a big, sleek tank, and you've got yourself
the biggest Maxim money can buy.

Which brings us to the smallest Maxim
money can buy:

The 400. Proof that size has nothing to
do with how much of a Maxim you get.

Its perfectly proportioned so it looks
for all the world like the other mid-size
Maxims: classic, aggressive, distinctive.
Апа its been carefully engineered to weigh
less, cost less and consume less, all without
being any less of a Maxim.

Measuring mere millimeters wider
than a single, its brand new DOHC, twin
cylinder engine delivers the highest horse-
power output of any twin in its class.

А counter-rotating balancer makes it
almost as smooth as a four.

And while YICS evens out irregularities
inthe air/fuel mixture, our Monoshock
suspension system evens out irregularities
in the road.

All of which gives the new 400 all the
speed, handling, and good looks that make
automatically activates both the front and a Maxim a Maxim.
rear brake at the touch And along with our 550, 650,750 and

of the foot pedal. 1100 models, it makes choosing a Maxim
Addtothat a five times easier.

Computer Monitor Or five times harder.

System with an LCD

readout that reports

vital engine functions

and fluid levels; 6-way

We couldn't build a better j
So we built a bigger one.

If youre one of the people who loved the speedometer and tach. And a Computer
Virago 750 but were hoping wed come out Monitor System which reports onthe bikes
with a bigger engine, this is your lucky page. vital functions.

Because that big, beautiful hunk of Now, you may think that all these fea-
metal you see below is the new Virago 920. (шев not only make the Virago 920 bigger,

Its got the same classic V-twin engine, | but better, too.

low-slung design, Monoshock rear sus- Well, yes. And no.

pension and shaft drive of the Virago 750. You see, the essence of a Virago lies in
However, it also has an extra 170ссѕ its laid-back riding position, low center of

pulling for it. gravity, and unique throb of its low-

Plus а generous helping of Yamaha's revving V-twin engine.
latest technology. Like our unique, adjustable Апа in that respect, both the Virago
cast-alloy handlebars. 750 and the Virago 920 are exactly alike.
The worlds first :
electronic LCD

TheVirago $‹ aS

The Virago 750 has ап electric
tachometer, self-cancelling turn
signals and quartz/halogen
alay the G20 S ihe == ж
world’ first electronic LCD

speedometer and tach. Plus a
Computer Monitor System that

warns you of low fluid levels; 3 . Off setting the

headlight, taillight or brakelight cylinders slightly 3 i
burn out; orif the side stand is improves rear cylinder cooling.
down. 2

Air passes through the frame,
eliminating side-mounted air
cleaners for an incredible 14.8
inch engine width and a better

than 47° lean angle. ee

The cylinders are placed at a 75°
angle and fire on alternate crankshaft
rotations to produce power so smooth
theres no need for an engine balancer.
The cylinder angle also leaves plenty
of room in between for carbureiors and
intake components. Plus extras like
twoseparate oil pumps. One to feed the
transmission, the other for the engine.

The Vtwin was invented їп 1889.
And perfected in 1981.

Wed like to give credit to Gottlieb
Daimler for developing the V-twin engine
93 years ago.

Over the years, it's proven to have a lot
of things going for it:

Reliability. Light weight. Narrowness.

Cam chain tensiones are self-
adjusting to keep the low-main-
tenance overhead cam truly low-
та

The monocoque frame design
allows the engine to sit lower
without sacrificing ground clear-
ance. The resulting 29.5 inch seat
height gives you an extra-low
center of gravity when you're
moving and feet-on-the-ground
stability when you're not.

Our vace-proven Monoshock rear suspension
uses an atr spring working in conjunction
with a сой spring. Damping, spring-rate
and ride height can all be adjusted easily.
From one point. Blindfolded. The
triangulated swing arm to keep the rear
wheel running straight and true.

Fuel economy. And efficient weight
distribution.

Nevertheless, it still lacked something
extremely important. Something only we
could give it.

Yamaha engineering.

Our state-of-the-art shaft drive is
remarkably smooth and quiet
and virtually maintenance-free.

And no, it isn't cheap.
But, consider the fact that this is a
motorcycle with a turbo-charged,
650cc, four-cylinder engine
that goes like an 1100. A
motorcycle with a drag co-
efficient of only 75. А
motorcycle with a lean
angle of 42 degrees.
Consider all
NN that, and then
just try to say
the simple
words, “I don't
want опе”
Now that

there's prob-
ably a few
other things
youll want

that’s settled,

Yes, it's street legal.

to know about your new Seca Turbo.

The turbocharger, for instance, is the
world’s smallest and can easily turn
210,000 rpm. It's also located out of the
way beneath the swingarm pivot.

And theres more wizardry where that
came from.

Like an electronic ignition system with
electronic vacuum advance. А unique
exhaust manifold that provides even ex-
haust pulsing to the turbocharger for more
mid-range torque. And a reed-valve
controlled surge tank which virtually elim-
inates turbo lag.

You've probably already noticed that
stunning piece of fiberglass that surrounds
the Seca Turbo.

What you cant see are the countless
hours of wind tunnel testing that went into
designing a fairing with the least wind
resistance possible. A fairing that not only
looks terrific, but also reduces front wheel
lift by an amazing 10% and makes the
Seca even faster.

Proof that a turbocharger isn't the only
way to make miles per hour out of thin air.

With all that technology going for
them, the new Seca Turbos have an incred-
ible top speed.

They'll probably go pretty fast too.

Considering how few we're making.

The Seca Series.

пиши

Its not how fast you

Speed is relative.

What's fast for a 400 certainly isrit for
a turbo-charged 650.

But building a serious, high-perform
ance 400 takes just as much thought, time,
technology and general tinkering as it
does to build that exotic Turbo.

Orat least it should.

And when it comes to the Yamaha
Seca Series, it definitely does.

Starting with the Seca750, the culmi-
nation of 25 years of road racing.

As high-performance motorcycles go,
this one goes like you wouldnt believe.

Іп fact, last year, the Seca set a new 750cc
quarter-mile world record of 11.99 seconds.
Box-stock, with its on-board computer, anti-
dive front suspension, shaft-drive and all.
At the other end of the Seca line is a

small miracle called the Seca 400.

Before this new Seca ever put wheel
to pavement, it had set a few industry
standards of its own.

By borrowing a little technology from
our famous Seca 750 four-cylinder power-
plant, we managed to make this 400 twin
narrower than the nearest competitor by
an amazing 3.6 inches.

That skinny new engine pumps out a
muscular 42 horsepower at 9,500 rpm
and hangs in a diamond-type frame with
our race-proven Monoshock suspension.

In the middle of the Seca series, as you
might expect, are the Seca middleweights.
The 550 and 650.

You may remember the Seca 550 from
last year. It was that European-looking
number that rocketed past you and very

go. Its how you go fast.

quickly became a little red dot far down
the highway

The 550’s four-cylinder engine has
enough horsepower to take most any 550
and more than a few 650%.
And the narrowness to allow
lean angles that test the limits
of even the stickiest tires.

While the Seca 550 was
blitzing America’s canyons last
year, its big brother the XJ650
was across the pond dicing with
Ferraris in Europe.

So, this year, we changed
the nameplate (from XJ to Seca) and
brought the 650 to this country.

Nov, we could go on and on about the
numerous virtues of the Seca 650, like
loads of horsepower, an 18 inch engine

width, shaft-drive and road-racer handling,
but we'll let someone else do the talking
for a change. |
“The Yamaha XJ650 isn’t just a great
po 9

motorcycle; it’s the best American bike
your Pounds, Francs, Lira or Deutschmarks
can buy.”

Thank you Cycle Guide. We couldn't
have said it better ourselves.

You can take the parts
out of the Yamaha, but oi dt take
theYamaha out of the parts.

Yamaha’ totally integrated

turbo unit is the world’ light-
est and most compact. This
extraordinarily efficient

unit is driven, up loan
When it comes to engine width, fied NAA
Yamaha is narrowing the field. A ШОО d
Mounting the generator behind CUT 594,

А nee And, to virtually elimi-
the cylinders and incorpo- ame nord OCD
rating the middle gear case É с

is routed through а reed

into the transmission housing

valve, to the surge tank,
makes our жоп) permitting the engine
almost as narrow as most 400 to build speed until the
uus. turbo pressurizes

b 176" ==:

- Sx the intake Ouy Monoshock suspension, with its

tract. single large shock absorber and
uU swingarm, provides

stability, гыр and

The personalities and riding
attitudes of our Yamahas
extend right down to the : s
instrumentation. From ana- Several new models come equipped
log dials and meters, to with adjustable cast alloy
digital read-outs,to the worlds handlebars. The ones
first electronic LCD speedo you see here offer
and tach. And four of our Gadjustments.
machines feature our exclu-
sive computer monitor
system which automatically
monitors and reports on
your bike's vital йй

Six years ago, Yamaha
invented the self-cancelling
turn signal. It automatically
cancels the signal after 10
seconds. Or, if you're waiting
Sora light, after you've gone
150 yards. And this year,
flexible rubber mounts

keep your signal lights
bouncing back from adversity.

Leading axle fork design
allows easier low-speed

steering. It also improves
comering response.

Three different types of
wheels for three different
types of machines for three
different types of riders.
Each wheel designed with

Air/oil front forks. By
varying air pressure, oil
viscosity and oil quantity,
you can adapt your Yamaha

The Seca 7505 anti-dive
suspension system. During
hard braking, a unique

the perfect balance of to its environment. valving mechanism restricts
strength, light weight and the flow of damping oil,
striking good looks. and thus travel, reducing

Front end “dive.” At the
same time, an automatic
override system allows the

forks to respond to

unexpected апра qe. E

The lower part of each
bar can be adjusted

to one of two width
positions at the
handlecrown.

The end of each
bar can be removed
and shifted to one of

three grip-height/bend Yamaha offers more
positions. style and diversity in tank
design than any other

The Yamaha
Induction Control
System (YICS) is our
ingenious—and patented—
system of sub-intake ports
which literally blasts the air-
fuel mixture around the
combustion chamber for
complete burning. Without a
single moving part, YICS
significantly reduces fuel
consumption while actually
increasing power.

of. Үй, the basic function
remains unchanged: to hold
manufacturer we can think gas. And plenty of it.

When we find
the typical motorcyclist, we'll build
the typical motorcycle.

Maxim Serie SecaSeries

Maxim 1100 - Seca Turbo.

Virago 920

Virago Series

Nobody rides a motor-
cycle exactly the way you
do. Which is a good reason
to buy one that’s built for
your particular riding style.

We build 43 different
motorcycles: Street bikes,
dirt bikes, dual purpose
machines, 3-wheelers.

If you dont see yours
here, just look a little fur-
ther. Visit a Yamaha dealer.

THE WAY IT SHOULD ВЕ.

helmet and eye pr

e mirrors) standard equipment. Specifications are subject to change without notice. LIT-11241-400

rmchair travelers and timid tourists
А rely оп Paul Theroux to tran-
sport them to countries they'll never visit.
He's taken readers to Malaysia, to darkest
Africa, to South America and on the
Orient Express. Now, in his new novel,
The Mosquito Coest (Houghton Mifflin),
Theroux travels to Honduras for his
story about Allie Fox, a brilliant but
crazy inventor of ice machines and other
peculiarities. Allie, convinced that the
demise of the U.S. is imminent, hauls
his wife and four children to a wild-
erness area of this Central American

country. He secs his family as the new
Swiss Family Robinson, but their life is
hardly as harmonious: Allie is a tyrant
and his children eventually rebel.

Гһег-
oux captures а fecling for Honduras and
its inhabitants that few writers could
match; besides, he tells an incomparable
adventure tale.

There's a place in the world for awful
novels—and wherever it that's where
you will find the sweaty paranoia of
Robin Cook. First Cook put us to sleep
with Coma, then he followed with
Sphinx, which stinx. His new one is an
intemperate thing entitled Fever (Put-
nam). Certain to become a minor motion
picture, Fever is about cancer researcher
Charles Martel, who takes on a whole
town, including a half-assed batch of
local doctors, the entire holy medical
establishment and the Big C itself. There
is one reason to root for a guy like
Martel—if he wins, we can all go back
to eating.

.
If you like adventure stories, try J. С.
Pollock's Mission М.А. (Crown). The

style is wooden and the clichés fly like
tracers, but the basic plot is appealing:
Jack Callahan, an ex-Green Beret, leads
а group of veterans back into Vietnam
to rescue some of their American buddies
who have been held lor years in a secret
prison camp. The precise and accurate
details of HALO (High Altitude-Low
Opening) jumping, silent killing, am-
bushing, reconnoitering are what take
this novel out of the ordinary and make
it read like a guerrilla warrior's hand-
book.

For those who missed the January 1981
Playboy Interview, or who wanted more,
there is The Pleyboy Interviews with John
lennon & Yoko Ono (Playboy Press), con-
ducted by David Sheff, edited by G.
Barry Golson. In the two thirds of the
book not published earlier, Lennon di
cusses subjects such as political mov
ments of the Eighties and songs of
his solo career. Interspersed are several

Cooling it on The Mosquito Coast.

The latest good
reading from
Theroux, Westlake.

Kahawa: an ldi fix,

ominously prescient quotes: "Perhaps
love and peace isn't enough and [1] have.
to go and get shot . . . to prove I’m onc o£
the people." This book is unlike the
exploitative volumes published after his
death and may be the most complete
image ever presented of Lennon the
man.

Nell is а 60-year-old wido: е is
89 and twice divorced; Lydia із 36 and
recently separated. This trio forms the
base of Gail Godwins new novel, А

Mother and Two Daughters (Viking). There's
a potential soup opera here, but Godwin
deftly avoids it as she concentrates on
dissecting the acies of these women's
feelings about themselves, about one
another and about their [riends. Godwin
is a skillful writer, and though she ties
up the end a bit too neatly, her сһагас-
ters are so vivid it hardly matters.
.

Adventure novels don't have to be
rigorously written in order to be enjoy-
able. But when Donald E. Westlake
brings his considerable talents to bear
on the form, it's astonishing how good
the genre can be. Kahowa (Viking) is
about how an Asian merchant, his Amer-
ican enforcer, a mercenary and assorted
Africans conspire to rip off a trainload
of Idi Amin’s coffec. The story is intri
cate with intelligence and at the same
time is masterfully economical. Westlake
throws out meaty insights about Africa,
about character, about love in the same
way lesser writers fall back upon cliché.
Without gushing, and without giving
any of the plot а let it suffice to say
that we can think of only one better way
to spend a few evenings this winter.
Kahawa is marvelous.

It's easy to lose Control (Delacorte) as
you make your way through William
Goldman's new bone cruncher. His char-
acters run in and out of time like Mr.
Peabody and his boy Sherman. steaming
to a climax full of the trappings and
traps of paranoia—secret government
operations, murders springing up all over
New York and a kind of technological
demonic possession. All very cinematic,
of course. It's Goldman. It's not demand-
ing or original, just exciting as hell.
They'll be out of Control at the book-
Stores.

1f tebyrinth (Viking), by Taylor Branch
and Eugene M. Propper, were a board
game instead of a book, it might fit in
the Astrodome—with a few cuts at the
corners. There are 75 principal charac-
ters and six major locations, and while
Tolstoy could get away with that range,
Branch and Propper can't. Their rehash
of the Orlando Letelier assassination
befuddles the reader with too many false
leads, petty details, wasted interviews,
irrelevant pursuits. What we һауе here
are more than 500 pages that impress
upon us, in a way that frustrates us, the
sad truth that investigative work is often
dull and repetitive, that bureaucracies
move impersonally and can kill, that the
sharks among us feed both day and night.
Maybe when Labyrinth comes out in
paperback, it could be cut down to con-
sumer size.

s s
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MOVIES

s co-author (with Trevor Griffiths),
A producer, director and co-star (with
Diane Keaton), Warren Beatty may have
gone into Reds (Paramount) wearing, at

least one hat too many. What results
is a fascinating. intelligent, muddled
and wildly ambitious failure more
memorable for high aims than for

actual achievement. However, merely to
attempt such a long and costly movie
(three and а half over
530,000,000 at last tally) about a dedi-
cated American leftist is an act of
aesthetic bravura that strikes me pink
with admiration even while I appraise
the wreckage-

"There ought to be a viable film in the
life of poer-journalis: John Reed, the
only American buried in the Kremlin.
Reed's classic account of 10175 October
Revolution, Ten Days That Shook the
World, was his magnum opus, though
the Harvard-educated radical also wrote
for The Masses and helped to found
the U.S. Communist Party. He died a
politi innocent at 33, still imbued
with the Marxist dream—it says here—
while ruing Soviet suppression of dissent.

Reds works best as a vintage love
story not unlike The Way We Were,
with Beatty and Keaton up there as the
big-time moviestar team whose charm
and charisma just might sell it. She plays
Louise Bryant, a liberated dentist's wile
and aspiring writer from Oregon, who
joins Reed's bohemian clique іп Green-
wich Village, ultimately marries him and
accompanies him to Russa in 1918.
While their scenes together often sizzle,
Beatty just as often seems to trivialize
history by using epic events as mere back-
drops. Before and after the storming of
the czar's Winter Palace, to cite onc cx-
ample, there are brief lovemaking epi-
sodes that somehow suggest that for John
and Louise, this revolutionary D day is
little more than a tourists’ diversion be-
tween screws. Heightening that impres-
sion is Beatty's buoyantly boyish attack
on the role of Reed, for which he seems
all wrong—or at least way olf in rhythm

The scene stealer here is Jack Nichol-
son as tough. cynical playwright Eugene
O'Neill, Louise’s lover one lonely sum-
mer at Cape Cod. Other telling character.
sketches are provided by Maureen Sta-
pleton as anarchist Emma Goldman (a
lady expunged, coinciden
movie version of Ragtime), plus Edward
nn, Paul Sorvino, Jerzy Kosinski,
kman and George Plimpton as
rious other leftists and literati
Finally, the most compelling portion
of Reds—though it scems hauled in from
another the
mony of more than 30 writers, editors
and radicals of yore who actually knew
Reed and Bryant or were part of their

hours, we

ally, from the

movie—is oncamera test

Reds’ star-crossed lovers Keaton, Beatty.

A flawed, but fascinating,
Reds; chilling looks into
military school, high finance.

Rollover: $ with Kris and Jane.

era. Some have died since the film w
shot—and none is identified onscreen to
help the viewer tell who's who—but the
witnesses” include novelists Adela
Rogers St. John and Rebecca West, his-
torian Will Durant, comedian George

Jessel and writer Henry Miller, who
sums it all up: “I think there was just
as much fucking going on then as now.”
Miller's remark exposes the weakness of
Reds: not an outright fiasco à la Heaz-
en's Gate but likely to leave audiences
bored and baffled. Even so. по опе can
accuse Warren of thinking small. ¥¥¥
.

"There's a half note missing іп Tops
(Fox), some gap of credibility at the
core that stayed with me just enough
to take the edge off everything else.
The "else" is pretty impressive—from
Harold Becker's tight direction to ster-
ling performances by George C. Scott,
Timothy Hutton and an all-boy cast of
scary Ше martinets at a military
school. Although he disappears early in
the film, Scott contributes a complete por
trait of the battle-scarred spit-and-polish
general in charge of Bunker Hill Mili-
tary Academy. The brand of fascism he
teaches (he calls it "honor") has so
cflectively softened the young brains in
his command that a student cadet major
(Hutton, proving that his Academy
Award work in Ordinary People was no
fluke) seizes the venerable 141-year-old
school to keep it from being closed and
torn down to make way for a complex
of condominiums. What Taps is telling
us, perhaps a bit baldly, is that teen-
aged terrorists are the wages of sin for
a society that inculcates its youth with
weapons, technology and dreams of glory
under fire. Back in 1969, Lindsay Ander-
son's If did a more imaginative and
effective job of depicting boarding
school as a chilling microcosm of the
mad, mad world outside. Though never
dull, Taps generates suspense with a taut
tigger finger, pitting merc kids against
professional militia and waiting to sce
who will fire the first shot. I just never
quite believed the U.S. Army would
confront these beardless schoolboys as if
they'd been trained by the PLO. УУ

International high finance is rendered
reasonably comprehensible іп Rollover
(Orion/WB), a glossy financial thriller
with a screenplay by David Shaber.
directed by Alan J. Pakula with fine
awareness of how to make big business
pay dividends in human interest. Starring
Jane Fonda as a former film star who
takes over a huge petrochemical con-
glomerate after her husband is murdered,
opposite Kris Kristofferson as a trouble-
shooting banker who pulls companies
out of the red, Rollover has the glam-
surface of old-time, big-time
Hollywood melodrama. The plot is a bit
like The China Syndrome's, with insidi-
ous Arabs as the bad guys whose secret
weapon—pulling all their billions out
of Western banks—turns out to be an

orous

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PLAYBOY

nancial

economic
says Hume
їп calioots

H-bomb. capital,

Cronyn as a supertycoon
the Middle Eastern
ulators, is "a force of nature—
ity.” It follows that screwing
around with the global money market
means “playing with the end of the
world.” The end is nigh by the time
Rollover stop, leaving
the audience breathless along with Fonda
and Kristofferson as two wheeling-dealing
lover/adversaries whose subtle interplay
expresses the mutual pull of money,
power and sex. They are not particularly
likable characters and would surely seem.
even less so if not for Jane's and Kris's
well-established liberal images. While
world banking fuzles in a slightly corn-
ball grand finale, their heterochemistry
gives Rollover its ultimate emotional
payoff. уун

with

careers to a

Recession be damned: Anyone who
enjoys Steve Martin, Bernadette Peters,
old movie musicals and smashingly dif-
ferent black comedy ought to spend the
rent to sce Pennies from Heaven (MGM).
Martin plays a wistful Chicago sheet-
music salesman during the drabbest
depths of the Great Depression. subli-
mating in a drcam world of smiles and
sunshine and cockeyed optimism in-
spired by Tin-Pan Alley. “Tell the
truth—songs do." says he. Like so many
of us, in his romantic fantasies he’s
Astaire or Crosby or Dick Powell, and
Martin performs remarkably well as a
song-and-dance man under the able di-
rection of former choreographer Herbert
Ross. In the workaday world, our hero
is a lewd-minded loser who betrays his
exual wife (Jessica Harper), seduces
nd abandons a shy schoolmarm (Peters).
The misused teacher becomes a hooker
while the music man himself is ultimate-
ly tried and convicted for a brutal sex
crime he didn't commit, Cute plot for a
musical? Yes, by God. it is. Dennis
Potter's adaptation of his prize-winning
ВВС-ГУ miniscrics, Pennies has nothing
at all to do with a 1936 Bing Crosby
movie of the same name except that it
borrows Bings title tune. The ironic
central joke—film fantasy vs. grim re:
ity—scems overstretched at times, but
going too far doesn’t hurt much in a
movie so full of dazzling side trips. Ross.
Martin, Peters and company (among
them Christopher Walken. whose change-
of-pace role is topped by a striptease
routine) keep coming up with show-
stoppers in every reel, lip syncing golden
oldies or kicking along with a hun-
dred leggy chorines in pseudo-Dusby
Berkeley numbers designed to banish
are. Now as then, flaws and all, most of
it is irresistible. УУУ

An inspirational escape drama, Night
Crossing (Buena Vista) combines a com-
pelling air of authenticity with hair-
raising high adventure. Here is director

Walken peels for Pennies.

Pennies is a wonderfully
oddball musical; Night
Crossing, a true thriller.

Douglas, Krige in Ghost Story.

Mann's re-creation of the true
story of the Strelzyk and Wetzel families,
who flew out of Communist East Ger-
many in а horair balloon in the fall of

Delbert

How

1979. they did it—following an
earlier failed attempt. with the suspi-
cious authorities almost literally at their
heels—is simply one hell of a human
Four adults and four youngsters
take off in a balloon 65.6 feet in diam-
eter, stitched together in secret from
more than 12,000 square feet of material
during months of life-or-death suspense
and subterfuge, and it’s impossible not
to hold your breath right along with
them as they go. A fine, predominantly
Anglo-American company headed by
John Hurt Jane Alexander, Beau
Bridges and Glynnis O'Connor made me
believe, alter an initial [ew minutes
of skepticism, that they were freedom-
starved East Germans. Night Crossing is
conventional. no-frills moviemaking. yes,
but you don’t need a Spielberg, a Lucas
or a Kubrick to get this timely tale off
the ground. ¥¥¥

sag

Novelist Peter Straub's eerie Ghost Story
(Universal) was spellbinding in book
form. As a film, it is soporific and sel-
dom truly spooky, except at the primary
level of suspense in cinema—the kind of
effect achieved when a hidcous, decaying
corpse jumps up and says, “Воо!” Four
crusty New England septuagenarians
with a 50-year-old secret that’s not aw-
fully exciting when they finally
around to revealing it are played by
Fred Astaire, Melvyn Douglas, Douglas
Fairbanks, Jr., and John Houseman with
minimal impact. They aroused my sym-
pathy mostly because director John Irvin
studies them as if they were living fossils
planted in the bedrock of Lawrence D.
Cohen’s turgid screenplay. The young
actors who play their counterparts in
flashback sequences have more life but
no memorable lines. Only Alice Krige
(the fetching heroine of Chariots of
Fire), as the girl who comes back to
haunt them and their heirs (Craig Was-
son plays the contemporary target, look-
ing properly befuddled), projects ап air
of delicious mystery absolutely right for
the much better movie Ghost Story
might have been. ¥

ays weakly, “You're my daughter,
Kady." To which she replies, ргоуоса-
tively, "I'm a woman, too.” That's pretty
much the story of Butterfly (Analysis R
leasing), based on a James М. Cain tale
considerably less celebrated but по less
sexy than The Postman Always Rings
Twice. (Sec Roving Eye, page 172, for a
ample) Stacy Keach plays the lusty, in-
cestuous Daddums to Pia Zadora, a
nymphet on the rise in a showcase
movie that has Orson Welles, Edward
Albert and. James. Franciscus as stalwart

get

backup men for Pia's featurelength
screen test. Movie just OK. She Zador-
able. ¥¥

.
An arresting, devilishly clever French
thriller called Diva (UA Classics) was a

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sleeper hit in Paris, an award winner in
Chicago's filim festival, sloughed off by
critics but finally put forth as France's
official entry for an Oscar nomination.
Overpraising it might spoil the surprises
of this perverse, romantic, poetic, almost
defiantly illogical first feature by direc-
tor (and co-writer) Jean-Jacques Beineix.
Linking the movie's two overlapping
plots is a young motorbike messenger
(Frederic Andrei) who's also a music nut:
he surreptitiously records a concert per
formance by a beautiful black opera
singer (Wilhelminia Wiggins Fernandez)
who hay a deep prejudice
tuting her art by recording it. Then
there's a murdered callgirl who, just be
fore she’s done in, pops into the mes
senger’s bike pouch а cassette tape
naming the high police official who
moonlights as the drug-and-sex czar of
Paris. The two tapes get mixed up while
the messenger gets mixed up with a Viet
namese model (Thuy An Luu) and a
strange photographer named Gorodish
(Richard Bohringer), who spends a lor of
time putting an enormous jigsaw puzzle
together.

In the meantime, the music lover
meets his idol and they embark on a ro-
mantic idyl whenever the lad cam slip
away from the two ruthless killers on his
trail. An American born soprano with a
sumptuous voice, Fernandez has re-
portedly become a star overnight since
Diva. Yowll see and hear why. Full of
unabashed visual gimmickry, Diva is
part Iove story, part detective story, part.
pell-mell chase film, part spoof and pret-
ty much enjoyable all the way. ¥¥¥

The internationalization of movies іп-
evitably produces such curios as Monte-
negro (Atlantic Releasing), ап oddball
crotic comedy, in English, by Yugoslav
writer-director Dusan Makavejev. Susan
Anspach plays Mrs. Jordan, the bored
American wife of a Swedish businessman
(Erland Josephson). The film is set out-
side Stockholm in a sleazy night spot
called the Zanzi Bar. Mrs. Jordan is
more or less kidnaped at the airport by
some of the Zanzi Bar's resident freaks.
and she hangs around the place getting
liberated, we presume—at least she be
gins to sing for the crowd and to have
th a lusty zookceper named Monte
negro (Svetozar Cvetkovic) in a scene as
plici you'll find this side of X
Throughout Montenegro, people
are fulfilling their fantasies. A dumpy
peasant girl is magically wansformed
into a sultry erotic dancer; the wayward
Mrs. Jordan's anxious husband takes
time out for a homosexual affair with a
doctor chum (Per Oscarsson). Makavejev.
who made the far-out IWR: Mysteries of
the Organism a decade ago, seldom does
anything ordinary. Montenegro is ex
traordinary, wild and much casier to
get a handle on. ҰҰ

—REVIEWS LY BRUCE WILLIAMSON

zainst prosti-

эсх У

MOVIE SCORE CARD

capsule close-ups of current films
by bruce williamson

Absence of Malice Paul Newman in
top form, Sally Field off-key as a nasty
news hen. vus

Body and Soul In the boxing classic
remade, Jayne and Leon Isaac Кеп-
nedy prove only that black i
beautiful Уу

Buddy Buddy Matthau and Lemmon
just OK in drab remake of French
farce A Pain in the 4-, far funnier
the first time, with Lino Ventura and

Jacques Brel. Y
Buttery (Reviewed this month) In-
cest à la James M. Cain. эз

Chariots of Fire nds finest in
the 1924 Olympics. УУУУ
Diva (Reviewed this month) Some

fine and fancy Frendi connec
tions yyy

Ghost Story (Reviewed this month)
Things that go, “Boo.” Y

Man of Iron Top docudrama about
the crisis in Poland. yyy
Montenegro (Reviewed this month)
Slav labor libe ady. yy
Neighbors Belushi and Aykroyd in a
witless. endless spoof of suburbia, У
Night Crossing (Reviewed this month)
Trip in ап anti-Red balloon. УУУ
On Golden Pond The elder Fonda's

great with daughter Jane and Kath-
the year's top
ууу:

arine Hepburn
non-stop te: г.

Pennies from Heaven (Rc
month) Martin, with music.

Prince of the City Sidney
corrosive tale of police с
with Treat Williams.

The Pursuit of D. B, Cooper Another
Treat with Williams, all about that
г. yyy
e A grand сам having great
fun in Milos Forman's exuberant film.
based on the E. 1. Doctorow best
seller. УУУУ

Reds (Reviewed this month) An epic
effort by Warren Beatty, all about love
and revolution yyy

Rollover (Reviewed this month) Kris
& Jane vs. Arab billionaires. уум

Sharky’s Machine Burt Reynolds їп
good shape as a cop involved with а
sexy harlot (Rachel Ward) and violent
homicide. yyy

Taps (Reviewed this month) Boys

playing war with live ammo. ұу
They АП Laughed Bogdanovich's bit-
tersweet romantic comedy. y

Ticket to Heaven How to save a boy

yyy

beset by Moonies.

Whose life Is It Anyway? The
to-die argument, forcefully play
Richard Dreyfuss.

The Woman Next Door Tasteful Trut-
faut telling of a crime of passion. ¥¥¥
¥¥¥¥ Don't miss ¥¥ Worth a look

ҰҰҰ Good show — Y Forget it

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DOL Gossip: Alan Arkin and Christopher

Lee have been set to co-star in The Re-
turn of Captain Invincible, a musical
adventure yarn featuring tunes by Eric
Clapton, Rod Stewart, Fleetwood Mac, Pe-
ter Allen and Air Supply. Mel Brooks's
next comedy send-up be Robin
Hood, to be filmed entirely in England
this spring. At presstime, Brooks had
not yet cast the title role but said he
was looking for today’s version of Errol
Flynn. Spike Milligan and Marty Feldman
will һауе roles, Pamela (History of the
World—Part 1) Stephenson will be Maid
Marian and Brooks himself may ap-
pear as one of the Merry Men. . . .
Rumor has it that Brian De Palma's next
project, presently known only as The De
Palma Project, is actually a remake of
John Huston's classic The Treasure of the
Sierra Madre. . . . British director John
(Ghost Story) Irvin will helm Dino De
tovrentiis’ long-planned epic The Boun-
ty, a big-budget remake of the Clark
Geble-Chorles Loughton starrer that will,

Arkin Brooks

according to reports, concentrate less
on the actual mutiny and more on
Captain Bligh's survival on the stormy
seas. “Itll show a different Captai
һ from the one most of us know,
Irvin reportedly has said. “He was a
great sailor, highly resourceful and very
fair. His only problem, apparently, was
that he had trouble dealing ith
people.”

МОВЕ GREASY кір STUFF: Following an ex-
tensive coast-to-coast talent hunt, Reb-
ert Stigwood, Allan Corr and director
Patricia Birch have filled all the roles
for Grease ІІ. Newcomer Maxwell Caul-
field, a New York stage actor, will make
his film debut as Michael Carrington,
a British student semestering at fictitious
Rydell High School. Michelle Pfeiffer,
who has appeared in The Hollywood
Knights and Falling in Love Again. will
co-star as Stephanie Zinone, leader of
Rydell's outlaw sorority, The Pink La-
dies. Adrian Zmed, who starred as Dan-
ny Zuko in the Broadway produc
Grease, will play Johnny Nogerilli
dog of Rydell’s legendary T-bi
Judy Garlond's daughter lorna Luft will

be Paulette Redchuck, the Pink Lady
who thinks she’s Marilyn Monroe. Oth-
er characters include Sharon Cooper
(played by Maureen Teefy), 2 Rydell student

Pfeiffer

Caulfield

who makes the most of her resemblance
10 Jedde Kennedy, and Rhonda Ritter
(Alison Price), a teen who concludes that a
nose job will land her a spot on Ameri-
can Bandstand. As for the faculty—Connie
Stevens will appear as the music teacher
and Tab Hunter has been tabbed to play
the sex-ed prof. Eve Arden, Dody Goodman
and Sid Ссеѕаг, who appeared in the
original, will return for another fun-
filled semester. Bitchin’!
.

WHATS ІМ A NAME? Brimstone апа
Treacle is the title of a film starring Sting,
the lead singer and composer of the
rock group The Police. Scripted by Dennis
Petter, the English author of Pennics
from Heaven, Brimstone is described
as а "psychodrama about an attractive
and appealing drifter who intrudes into
and takes over the life of a grief-stricken
London family.” The word from the
set is that Sting is even more powerful
on celluloid than on vinyl. Naturally,
the group, whose every album has gone
platinum, will provide a sound track.

unber wraps: One project currently іп
production but maintaining strict plot
secrecy is Steven Spielberg's A Boy's Life.

Sting

Spielberg

Very little can be said, though the pub-
licity folks are doing their damnedest to
make the film intriguing as hell. For one
thing, they're revealing the names of
only two of the cast membcrs—Dee (The
Howling) Wallace and Peter (Southern
Comfort) Coyote. "It's a very special film,”

one of the publicists told me. “When you
see it, you'll understand why we're not
releasing more information.” Hmmm.

mecasucks: While the Pentagon's Rap-
id Deployment Force remains іп the
training stages, Hollywood's R.D.F. is
already fighting for democracy in the
Mojave Desert. Barry Bostwick and Persis
Khambatta star in 20th Century-Fox's
Megaforce, the story of an elite fighting
unit that swings into action whenever
freedom is threatened anywhere in the
world. The movie will unveil specially
designed weapons and electronic systems
more advanced than anything previously
seen on screen. Hal Needham directs.

SWANN SONG: MGM's My Favorite Year
is a nostalgic comedy set against the
golden age of live television in the Fif-
ties. What's especially intriguing about it
is that Peter O'Toole gets to play a role
so tailor-made for his comedic talents
that only a major foul-up could turn
the project into a loser. O'Toole plays
Alan Swann. an often intoxicated, swash-
buckling scoundrel of a matinee idol

y
O'Toole

Linn-Baker

who visits New York City in October of
1954 for a guest appearance on a live
ТУ show called The Comedy Cavalcade.
He's got a week to kill before air time
and, in order to keep him out of mischief
and away from the bottle, the show's
producers provide him with а сһар-
eron—young Benjy Stone (played by
newcomer Mark Linn-Baker), a freshman TV
writer and general schlep. The fun-
loving O'Toole manages to get himself
and his keeper into a series of misadven-
tures. Most notably, O'Toole swipes a
mounted cop's steed in Central Park and
storms the Belvedere castle. The Comedy
Cavalcade, incidentally, is deliberately
patterned after Sid Caesars renowned
Show of Shows, with the Benjy character
reminiscent of Mel Brooks and Joe Bologna
in the Caesar role. Lainie Koran plays
Benjys nagging Jewish mom, Jessica
Harper is the kid's romantic interest and
Richard Benjamin (who, by the way, was an
NBC page for three years in the Fifties)
directs from a script by Norman steinberg.
An October release is scheduled.
youn mower, ЕЙ

q a pi < COGNAC
АҒ geie
Yt jn

‘The world’s most civilized spirit.

INESSY М5. CALLTOLL
MAJOR CREDIT CARDS ACCEPTED. V VOID WHERE PROHIBITED. IMPORTED: By P SCHEFFEN % СО., NEW YORK, NEW YORK.

A CAR FOR THE LEFT SIDE
OF YOUR BRAIN.

The left side of your
brain, recent investigations
tell us, is the logical side.

It figures out that
1+1=2. And, ina few cases,
that E=mc*

Оп а тоге mundane level,
it chooses the socks you
wear, the cereal you eat, and
the car you drive. All by means
of rigorous Aristotelian logic.

However, and a big
however it is, for real satis-
faction, you must achieve
harmony with the other side
of your brain.

The right side, the poetic
side, that says, “Yeah, Car X
has a reputation for lasting a
long time but it’s so dull,
who'd want to drive it that
long anyway?”

The Saab Turbo looked at
from all sides.

То the left side of your
brain, Saab turbocharging is
a technological feat that
retains good gas mileage
while also increasing
performance.

To the right side of your
brain, Saab turbocharging is
what makes a Saab go like a
bat out of hell.

The left side sees the
safety in high performance.
(Passing on a two-lane high-
way. Entering a freeway in
the midst of high-speed
traffic.)

The right side lives only
for the thrills.

The left side considers
that Road & Track magazine
just named Saab "The Sports
Sedan for the Eighties" By
unanimous choice of its
editors.

The right side eschews
informed endorsements by
editors who have spent a life-
time comparing cars. The
right side doesn't know much
about cars, but knows what it
likes.

The left side scans this

222. 99.1 inches
.. 187.6 inches
66.5 inches
2 55.9 inches
б.б gallons
mpg*
3b трд"

Height.
Fuel-tank
ЕРА City.
EPA Highway...

The right side looks at
the picture on the opposite
page.

The left side compares a
Saab’s comfort with that of a
Mercedes. Its performance
with that ofa BMW. Its brak-
ing with that of an Audi.

The right side looks at
the picture.

The left side looks ahead
to the winter when a Saab’s
front-wheel drive will keep a
Saab in front of traffic.

The right side looks at
the picture.

The left side also consid-
ers the other seasons of the
year when a Saab’s front-
wheel drive gives it the cor-
nering ability of a sports car.

The right side looks again
at the picture.

Getting what you need vs.
getting what you want.

Needs are boring; desires.
are what make life worth
living.

The left side of your brain
is your mother telling you
that a Saab is good for you.
"Eat your vegetables.’ (In
today's world, you need a car
engineered like a Saab.) “Put
on your raincoat.’ (The Saab
is economical. Look at the
price-value relationship. )
“Do your homework.” (The
passive safety of the con-
struction. The active safety
of the handling. )

1982 SAAB PRICE** LIST
900 3-Door 5-Sped 510,400
Automatic 10,750
9004-Door 5-Sped $10.700
Automatic 11.050
9008 3-Door &Sped 812.100
Automatic | 12450
90054-Поок SSpeed | 812,700
Automatic 13,050
900 Turbo3-Door 5-Speed 815,600
Automatic 15,950
900 Turbo 4-Door 5-5ре4 $16260
Automatic 16,610
All turbo models include a Sony XR70,
4-Spraker Stereo Sound System as standard
equipment. The stereo can be, of course,
perfectly balanced: loft and right.

The right side of your
brain guides your foot to the
clutch, your hand to the
gears, and listens for the
“2zz000mmm.”

Together, they see the
1982 Saab Turbo as the
responsible car the times
demand you get. And the
performance car you've al-
ways, deep down, wanted
with half your mind.

*Saab 900 Turbo. Remember, use estimated mpg for comparison only. Mileage varies with speed, trip length, and weather. Actual highway mileage will
probably be less. ** Manufacturer’ suggested retail price. Not including taxes, license, freight, dealer charges or options desired by either side of your brain.

ACAR FOR THE ge SIDE
^ ОР YOUR ВКА!

The most intelligent car
built.

What makes Reggie гип

in slow motion, high speed or freeze frame?

|
|

The Panasonic Omnivision VHS
video recorder with wireless remote.

Now you can do what baseball managers have
never done—control Reggie Jackson's every
move. You can do it with the new Panasonic
Omnivision PV-1770 6-hour programmable
video recorder. And do it by remote control.
You сап make Reggie run fast, slow or stop
in his tracks. Because this Omnivision with
4 video heads has Omnifex— special effects.
that play a picture from as fast as 2 times to
as slow as 1/30th normal speed. It'll even show
you a freeze frame or one frame at atime.
To give you control over what you see
theres Omnisearch. It lets you breeze past
the plays that don't interest you to find the

Panasoni

exact one that does. And Omnisearch and
Omnifex are controlled with the wireless remote,
so you'll have Reggie under your thumb.

And for ultimate control, this Omnivision is
programmable. It can automatically record 8
different shows over 14 days. You won't miss
out on any of the action even when you go out.
It also has a 105-channel tuner so you сап
even record cable programs. However, a cable
converter is required for stations scrambled by
your cable company.

There's only one thing you'll find uncontrol-
lable: The fun you'tl have watching the new
Panasonic РУ-1770. Tv pcte «салғы

С.

just slightly ahead of our time.

PLAYBOY'S TRAVEL GUIDE

By STEPHEN BIRNBAUM

Why check out Mexico's Pacific Coast?
Well, there's the perfect weather, the
resort where Bo Derek frolicked in “10,”
the great weather, the superb beaches
littered with lithe bodies, the incredible
weather, the guy who regularly plies
waitees outside his restaurant with
squirts from a wine-filled goatskin, the
fantastic weather, several dazzling new
hotels, the sensational weather and the
horseback gallops through surging surf.

The weather's pretty good, too.

The only problem is that it sometimes
seems that every other living human on
the planet has also discovered Mexico's
west coast. Knowing what's new since
we last covered the area and what's best
can mean the difference between a pi
fect holid nd a week or two with
the support-stocking set.

ACAPULCO,

With about 3,500,000 visitors last year,
downtown Acapulco is hardly а place
to get away from it all. Still, Carlos 'n'
Charlie's is worth a visit (for the spare-
ribs and grilled fish), and Charlie's Chili
Bar and Dance Hall is as close to a
hellzapoppin’ disco scene as the Me
can Pacific has to offer. That's the good
news. The bad news is that Acapulco's
morning beach (Caleta) is
still meaningfully unhygienic, the after-
noon beach (Los Hornos) is now filled
mostly by vendors and beggars. and the
most stretch of sand (Con-
desa) is backed by a row of high-rises
that makes you feel as if youre in a
concrete canyon. So the best plan for
enjoying Acapulco—and there is still
plenty to enjoy—is to stay the hell out
of Acapulco.

Las Brisas. on a hill south of town.
still delivers hot coffee and sweet rolls
outside your room before dawn, and the
only required human contact is with
the litte man who slips through the
shrubbery each at. to change the fow-
ers in your private pool. (So keep your
swimsuits on till noon.) Farther outside
town, the Acapulco Princess Hotel offers
the most desirably hectic scene in the
region: and for those with a more fincly
honed sense of style, the adjacent Pierre
Marqués Hotel—originally built by J.
Paul Getty and now operated by the
Acapulco Princess folks—is even posher
Seekers of real solitude should head
south down the Costa Chica, 100 miles
of deserted sand (be careful swimming
along here; the undertow can be a real
ler), lagoons and rocky с

imported to Mexico as slaves.

RIVIERA MEXICANA

What's new south
of the border,
western shore.

INTAPA

Normally, this computer-designed en-
is lumped with its sister village of
the

Zihuatanejo, but almost all
development is taking place

new

opened just
а dramatic
scent of se-

this past October.
backdrop to a pi

forms
ate cr

cluded cove. Each room has an ocean
view and comes in three parts—sleeping
area, sun deck and terrace, the last

dripping with Bougainvillaea to give the
place a look that every tropical hotel
should envy.

Ixtapa also is the site of the newest
Club Med in Mexico, located on a wide
beach four miles north of town. It offers
free golf{—something not available at
any of the 87 other Club Med villages—
nd includes a computer workshop as
part of its basic “sports” program. There
so are 50 nifty ten-speed Italian bicy-
des for pedaling down the road to town
or onward a few miles to the less hectic
fishing village that is still Zihuatanejo.

MANZANILLO

The Club Med at Playa Blanca, 30
ts own

miles north of the city, boasts
ranch. with fine horses and Mexican
(mostly like Western) saddles available

for gallops deserted
beaches.

Although Las Hadas still offers its mag-
ical mixture of minarets and Moorish
architecture, it's my sad duty 10 report
that Bo Derek has checked out. The
lowest-priced rooms are undistinguished,
but the spacious suites and villas with
verandas, walled gardens and a private
pool or two may help you hear the Bo-
lero for yourself. Its also worth while
to hire a car for at least one day and
head about 50 miles south on Highway
200 for Boca de Pascuales, where fresh
sealood is prepared to order and guests
sit under thatched roofs, sipping sp
itous libations spiced with local fruits
and flowers. One word of warning to
the overweight: The straw-seated ch
tend to sink slowly into the sand.

along nearby

PUERTO VALLARTA

The Playa del Sol (Sunny Beach) is
the busiest’ in town but h: become
rather grubby. You'll do better at Chino
(except when the picnickers (rom the
hotels invade), Estacas (in front of the
Camino Real) and Mismaloya (where
The Night of the Iguana was filmed)

Even better is Yelapa, just over an hour -

south of town. Las Ampas is the beach
that borders the cliffside mansions of
the wealthy—the locals call it Gringo
Gulch—and it's worth a look

Best of all available diversions is
the overnight ferry to the tip of Baja
California. Cabo San Lucas (the Baja
terminus) is a free port and a good
shopping spot. And if you've ever want-
ed to troll for trophies worth the effort,
there are probably more sailfish, marlin,
tuna and sharks in the nearby waters
than almost anywhere else on earth.

MAZATLAN
This is the west-coast destination re-
quiring the least cash and offering the
least flash. The basic tourist trade con-
sists of fishermen and hunters, but that
just makes the harbor-front b: a bit
more atmospheric. From late December
through April, the adjacent Sea of
Cortes is a whale watcher's dream; and.
if you've ever wanted to know what
really fresh shrimp taste like, this is the
place. The islands in the bay are perfect
for day trips: Palmito de la Virgen is a
bird watcher's paradise, and shell collec-
tors and snorkelers should head for Deer
Island. Searchers for seclusion will par-
ppreciate Isla de Ja Piedr:
where very inexpensive rooms can be
rented. Surfers should lock onto Olas
Alı Beach; the me means high
waves, which says it all. This is also a
prime spot for sunset staring, so even
without a board, you won't be bored.

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THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR

V have been living with a woman for
almost four years. The other night she
mentioned that we had not made love in
what seemed like weeks. I hadn't really
noticed, but her question bothered me.
Is it normal to go without intercourse
for such extended periods of time?—
К. D., Dallas, Texas.

How time flies when yowre having
none. A few years ago, two researchers
studied 365 husbands and wives and
found that one third of the group had
abstained from intercourse at one point
or another in their relationships. The
median period for those who stopped
was eight weeks. In a recent article in
Medical Aspects of Human Sexuality,
John Edwards summarized the results of
the study:

Marital discord stood out as the
foremost reason for cessation, 40 -
percent of the respondents indicat-
ing that this was why they had
ceased marital relations. Physical
illness (іп 20 percent) was the sec-
ond most important rationale for
abstaining. The third most prom-
inent reason (in 12 percent) was a
declining interest in sex. Interest-
ingly, the majority of the husbands
and wives in this sample (74 percent)
were relatively young—belween the
ages of 20 to 39 years—a period in
life when their desire might be
assumed 10 be at a very high level.

Other studies have shown that in most
relationships, it is the woman who be-
comes uninterested in sex more often
than the man. Those ате the statistics.
Do any of the conclusions sound fa-
miliar? What you apparently have is a
normal siluation—the symplom of a
problem but not a problem yet. It's
а great topic for a good heart-to-heart,
face-to-face talk. Abstinence is perhaps
the most easily cured sexual condition.

Since га constantly secking ways to
mprove my tennis game, I was very
terested when I read about a new two-
toned ball that, according to the makers,
can raise a pla ability to hit target
areas on a tennis court by an average
of 93 percent. Can this be true? "That
kind of improvement in my game could
easily shoot me to the pro ranks.—L. К.,
Detroit, Michigan.

Don't give up your day job. Although
results of testing the new half-yellow,
half-orange balls are impressive, in-
eluding increased ability to read the
spin of the ball, the improvement is sig-
nificant only if you are the only one

using the ball. Unfortunately, tennis
requires two players. If both players
improve by 23 percent, the net gain
for your side is zero. But all is not los
The ncw balls are prettier, and by pay-
ing that extra 15 percent that they will
cost, you'll be doing your part to shore
up the flagging economy.

FRecently, we had a party at which
relaxing in a spa was one of the activ-
ities offered. Two amorous couples were
the first to use the spa that night. Their
lovemaking ended in a climactic con-
clusion that was visible in the spa water.
Several women, after hearing of the
forementioned event, were reluctant to
enter the spa for fear of pregnancy. I
have heard that it is impossible to get
pregnant in а swimming pool, but does
the same hold true for a spa containing
250 gallons of swirling 100-degrce water
пей with a neutral pH water
factor?—S. Р.. Naperville, Illinois.
Although the reluctant women appear
to possess fertile imaginations, their
bodies would have to be сиеп more
so for pregnancy to result under those
conditions. Sperm cells, while hardy
organisms in some respects, ave not vi-
able in heated water for more than a
few seconds. We think that the possibil-
ity of becoming pregnant under those
circumstances would be, at best, remote.

Perhaps you will be able to help settle
a debate that has developed between a
friend and me. There was a scene in the
movie American Gigolo in which the
character was shown selecting his tie out
of a drawer where he had them neatly
folded and stacked on top of one another.
Of course, you can guess the ques-

Is that the proper way to take
are of ties as opposed to hanging them
up on a hanger or tie rack?—M.A.B.,
Fort Lauderdale, Florida.

It’s а good idea to store today's knit
ties by rolling them into a ball or fold-
ing (hem (à la “Gigolo”), since they
might stretch if hung on a rack. Silk and
polyester ties, however, should generally
be hung to eliminate wrinkles. And it
goes without saying that ties, like any
piece of clothing, should be given time
to “rest” between wearings.

The been following The Playboy Advisor
for quite some time and I have been
enlightened on many subjects that really
have helped me and my friends. I have
recently come upon a problem myself
and I don't know who to go to. 1 enjoy
sexual intercourse with my many lovers,
but I have found that I would rather be
jacked off by my girl than anything else.
I also find myself getting into violent
masturbation sessions, once, twice and
even three times a day. I often fantasize
about this act during class, and some-
times I have to imagine myself whacking
off in order to come with my girl! I need
to know if I have a problem. Am 1 dif-
ferent from everybody else? Will mas-
ion, in my case. hurt my sex
organs? "These are very difücult questions
to answer, but I feel sure that the answers
to them will help many people in simi-
lar situations. —S. T., Atlanta, Georgia
You're not that different. We heard
about someone who was really kinky. He
was into bondage and masturbation—he
had to tie himself up first. Neat. It is
common knowledge among sex research-
ers that both men and women can
experience more pleasure from manual
stimulation than from intercourse. Auto-
eroticism is pure pleasure—you have only
yourself to blame if you do it wrong.
Liberated lovers often exchange tips on
touch—many women can orgasm only
from manual stimulation of the clitoris.
Some men prefer this form of touch—
the increased friction—io the more
subile pleasures of intercourse. No harm
in that. In addition, many people have
favorite fantasies that act as catalysts to
orgasm. If something works, don't fix it.

Ё understand there's. а new weight-
reduction pill on the market that gives
you more energy while keeping your
appetite іп check, It's called Spirulina,
1 think, and if what they say is true, it
may be just the thing for me. I can't
handle all those amphetamine-based
drugs. Unfortunately, my doctor has
never heard of Spirulina and so will not

prescribe it for тас. Has word reached
you folks yct?—J. R., Altoona, Pennsyl-
vania.

We've heard of it, yes. And your
doctor can’t prescribe it because it isn't
a drug. Spirulina is a food made from
microalgae. It's being touted as a radical
new food source and is now being culti-
vated all over the world. The stuff is
very high in protein, about 65 percent,
compared with such other protein-vich
foods as dried eggs, which are 45 percent
protein, and dried milk, which is about
35 percent. Spirulina is also high in
essential mincrals and in the B vitamins,
which accounts for the increased energy
and the appelite suppression. Although
it’s a complete food, Spirulina is by no
means a replacement for a well-balanced
diet or a substitute for exercise in weight
reduction. While it does hold promise
as a food supplement where widespread.
hunger is a problem, chances of its being
widely accepted in the United States as
a food are remole. Spirulina, you sce,
tastes a lot like seaweed and has to be
hidden in other foods to be palatable,
much less delicious.

PLAYBOY

To а single, 34-year-old guy who has
read PLAYBov off and on for years. I
hope you will find time to answer my
letter, as I have never seen the following
topic discussed in your column. In a
dark movie theater, when parked in a
romantic spot, etc., my fiancée loves to
unzip my slacks and gently fondle me.
We always run into an obstacle, how-
ever—my briefs get in the way. Last
evening she suggested that I should try
leaving them oll. I've always heard that
pr

It strikes us that your fiancée has im-
peccable good sense, especially in dark
movie theaters and parked cars. The
way we look at it, if God had meant for
man to have proper support all the time,
He wouldn't have invented boxer shorts.
Even men who prefer support can do
without it for a few wonderful hours.
So leave those briefs at home, and be
alert to double features and all-night
festivals.

WI, girlfriend often works late at the
office, then has to walk down a pretty
tough street to get to her car for the
trip home. І am d for her
during that К and Гуе consider
buying her one of those tear-gas са
ters. I know there are two kinds, CN and
Cs, but which is better for һег?—Р. D.,
New York, New Yor
Actually, you have three choices: CN,
CS and whipped cream. As deterrents
10 attack, they ате all equally effective.
There are several things wrong with
those canisters. First, you've got to be
52 able to get them open in timc to use

them. Safety catches or purse catches
often prevent that. Second, they have to
be sprayed into the face or eyes of the
attacker from a distance of no more than
а foot. If you're that close, it’s too late.
Third, the effect of the spray is not in-
stantaneous. Н can lake as long as a
тіпше for the irritation to start. Most
victims find that amount of time soon
stretches to forever. Finally, large men,
drunken men or men on PGP are sim-
ply not affected by the spray. Except
that they are considerably angrier after
the dose. The only possible way to make
tear gas effective is to spray and then run
(and scream) like hell. In which case
you can forget the gas. Half the time
you will probably end up spraying your-
self, anyway. If you really want to assure
your friend's safely, pick her up or
make sure she leaves the office with a
friend. Belter yet, enroll her in a self-
defense course. An inefficient weapon,
or one that can be turned against her,
is worse than no weapon at all.

V signed up for yoga lessons at a local
gym. There was one man in the class
and the rest were older m ed women,
so he and Г were the only two young
adults in the class. Week in and week
out, ] noticed that tli п kept staring
at me. I guessed he was a bit shy, so I
made the initiative to talk to him. Even-
tually, I invited him over for a drink at
my place. I asked him why he kept s
ing at me in class. He said he got turned
on by my Danskin outfit (leotard and
tights). I could sce he was embarrassed. so
1 excused myself and changed into my
Danskins. When I returned, I could «се
he was aroused, so onc thing led to
another and we had an incredible love-
making session. We continued like th
for the next two weeks. One evening,
when he came over and ] was on the
phone, he wandered into the bedroom.
I wondered what he was doing. and I
received a big shock when I entered my
bedroom and saw my lover dressed up in
my Danskin outfit. I didn't know what
to think, but he assured. me everything
was all right. He looked very sexy in my
outfit, and [ could see he was even more
turned оп. We had a most incredible
evening of lovemaking. I suggested that
he should dress up in one of my Danskin
outfits for our yoga classes. He said he

tard that had no open neck or back.
We've looked everywhere іп the stores
but have had no luck. Could you please
tell me if any manufacturer makes а

Пу looking for
а leotard w rt-type collat.
If so. where can one buy it or order
it from?—A. R., Scarborough, Ontario.

Lets guess. Your Danskins are red,
with a funny design on the front, and

you lost the instruction book. Terrific.
Dancesupply houses carry the outfits
you are interested in for male dancers.
Look in the Yellow Pages. Or tell your
friend to wear tights and a regular T-
shirt. If it adds up to great sex, it's all
right with us.

Maec jogging every day for the past
two years, I pulled a muscle and was
not able to jog for a while. That lack
of activity seemed to depress me and
make me nervous. Is it possible to be-
come addicted to гип L. D., Santa
Barbara, California.

Running itself may not be habit-
forming, but feeling good cam be.
Researchers have found that regular
exercise can raise the level of endorphins
in the body. These endorphins reported-
ly are responsible for what is known as
runner's high and may explain why
people experience less pain during stren-
uous activity. Obviously, you can get
pretty attached to that kind of daily fix,
but it isn't necessary to run to get it.

О..: of my friends is something of
a tightwad when it comes to drugs.
atly, he's taken to offering cocaine
dmonition: “Hey, this is great
stuff. 11595 percent pure. Unfortunatel

the five percent cut is live, active herpes
virus." My question, as dumb as it may
seem, is this: Would it be possible to

cut cocaine with herpes?—D. К. Los
Angeles, California.

You must be kidding. Either that, or
you work for the Drug Enforcement
Administration. There із no truth to
your friend's claim—herpes cannot sur-
vive long enough outside the human
body.

[хе read that men experience four or
five crections a night during something
called REM (rapid eye movement) sleep.
equivalent response in wom-
New York, New York.

Nature, at least, believes in the Equal
Rights Amendment, Women experience
periods of arousal—marked by increased
vaginal lubrication—during the same
periods of REM sleep. About four or
five limes а night. Forget wine, candle-
light, witty repartee, foreplay—just go to
sleep and your body will remind you
what it’s like lo be aroused.

All reasonable questions—from fash-
ion, food and drink, stereo and sports cars.
to dating dilemmas, taste and etiquette—
will be personally answered if the writer
includes a stamped, self-addressed en-
velope. Send all letters to The Playboy
Advisor, Playboy Building, 919 М. Michi-
gan Avenue, Chicago, Illinois 60611. The
most provocative, pertinent queries will
be presented on these pages cach month.

SOMEWHERE IN ІН ‘NIGHT,

|" In, A

MOVE UP OR MOVE OVER.

Now, from the other side of Midnight, comes a
machine so dazzling, so bold, and so powerful that
it could only be from Kawasaki. The brand-new
1982 Spectre. It is an experience that you will
never forget.

You sit low in the plush stepped seat. In front of
you ride the Spectres precision electronic instru-
ments, sweeping pullback bars and long, gold-
accent, air-adjustable forks. Below, the clean,
guiet shaft drive and air-adjustable shocks. Rich,
golden, alloy wheels run fore and aft.

And in the middle, the engine. Pure black gold.
A five-speed, electronically-ignited, 1089 cc,
DOHC powerhouse that delivers the kind of eye-
opening performance that has made Kawasaki a
legend in its own time. `

The new 1982 Kawasaki Spectre. Suddenly, the

boulevard is yours.
А

Let the good times roll.

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Let the good times roll.

DEAR PLAYMATES

This month we asked the Playmates
about an important moment in sexual
etiquette, one that needs to be handled
with finesse. Fach of them thought it
was a tough—but necessary—element of
a crucial conversation with a man.

This month’s question is:

How do you like a man to bring
up the question of birth control when
you're going to have sex with him for
the first time?

Ё think а man should ask, because I
know it crosses a man's mind. 1 don't
think a man should feel embarrassed; if
he can't talk about that aspect of sex,
he shouldn't be having it. I think asking
point-blank is
the way to go.
I take the pill,
so I take care
of myself, but
a lot of my girl-
friends don't
and I think
asking shows a
lot of consid-
eration and in-
terest in а
woman. Now,
if no one asks,
the woman has to speak up herself and
say, "I'm not on the pill" I think if
you talk about sex before you enter the
bedroom, you'll have a better time when
you get there.

\ Я
Хилол По

LORRAINE MICHAELS
APRIL 1681

This sounds like а bit for Saturday
Night Live. You know, "Hi, it's nice to
meet you. Are you on the pill?" Really,
though, there is a time and a place for
everything. I think in the course of
a conversation
one could ask
in some casual
way, “What
kind of birth
control are you
using?” Essen-
tially, be casual,
and do it out
of the bed-
тоот, not in
it. I did have
a bad expe-
rience once. I
told а man I was not on the pill at a
point in our relationship when we were
not intimate, and then I went back on
the pill and Iater made love to this man.
But I hadn't mentioned that I was on
the pill again. It was a little embarras-

ing. He was totally freaked out and I
couldn't figure it out. Finally, I said
something about what are we waiting
for, and he said, “When are you going
to put in your diaphrag "Di
phragm,” I said, "what are you talking
about? I'm back on the pill.” He s;
"I've been lying here for the past hour
waiting for you to do itl” It was crazy,
and this poor soul was doing 2 Woody

Allen.
" prt

CATHY LARMOUTH
JUNE 1981

Va much rather he'd bring it up in con-
versation way before we're getting ready
to have sex. I don't have sex right away
when I'm interested іп a man, even if
I'm attracted to him; but when the time
is right, I want him to ask about birth
control. I'd be
offended if he
didn’t bring it
uj it would
mean he didn't
care enough
about me, It's
all a matter of
honesty апу-
way. I'm very
big on know-
ing a man be-
fore I'm sexual
with him, and
I suspect that there would be enough
tion so that he would eventually
"m sexually attracted to you,” and
if I made it clear that the time was
right, he could say, “What about birth
control?” 2

Pun Же

KAREN PRICE
JANUARY 1981

PPreterably, before sex! Seriously, I've
just recently had that very conversation
with a man who said to me, “How do
you handle birth control?” It was part
of a discussion
about every-
thing in gen-
eral and was
followed by
other questions
of his, such as,
"Do you be-
lieve in birth
control?" It led
to a long talk
about “Ше”
that was really
important. 105
definitely appropriate if you're going to
be intimate with someone. Then you

need to find out some things and I was
glad he asked; it made me feel cared
for in a good way.

MARCY HANSON
OCTOBER 1578

ІН. about, “Are you on somethin'?” 1
guess I don't think a man should һауе
to ask that question. It seems assumed
these days. If you've just met a guy
and you go to
bed with him
the same night,
you've obvious-
ly done that be-
fore and you've
got birth-con-
trol methods. If
not, if a wom-
an doesn’t use
anything, she
ought to bring
it up. I don't
think guys
should worry anymore, unless they have
doubts about a girl's stability or think
she might want to get pregnant.

Жек Hated,
SHANNON TWEED
NOVEMBER 1981

WV have always taken care of myself be-
cause I've never had a desire to become
pregnant. But I think there are a lot of
naive women in the world and you can't
expect every
one of them to
be responsible,
so I guess ask-
ing is in order.
I've never had
а шап bring
it up. I'd get
defensive. 1
shouldn't, but
I would. I'd
say. “What do
you take me
for? You think
I want to have your kid?” 1 would want

him to understand that I'm smart
enough to take care of it on my own.
2
аы €, Cod o
VICTORIA COOKE

AUGUST 1980

If you have a question, send it to
Dear Playmates, Playboy Building, 919
North Michigan Avenue, Chicago, Illi-
nois 60611. We won't be able to answer
every question, but we'll do our best.

There are times
when only the best will do.

“The Best In The Ноцве””

5 Years Old Imported in Bottle frum Canada by Hiram Walker Importers Inc, Detroit, Mich. 868 Proof. Blended Canadian Whisky. + 1982 *

THE PLAYBOY FORUM

acontinuing dialog on contemporary issues between playboy and its readers

LAWS OF THE LAND
PLAYBOY has remarked from time to
me on the American compulsion to try
to solve social problems by enacting
more and more laws. I can recall from
my days as a college student that a pol
cal-science professor prefaced one lecture
on the legislative process with the com-
ment 0 the United States, historically,
is the world's most lawmaking and law-
breaking nation. Fhe two observations
seem to go together. I recently read а
service item that said somebody has
determined that our generation has 30
times more laws to contend with than
our grandparents’ generation. I can't see
that many of them do much good.
Todd Wheeler
Madison, Wisconsin

While they may not do much good,
they do get people elected to public
office. Ever heard of а public-office
secker who did not promise that, once
elected, he would propose new laws to
remedy some problem or other?

OLD-TIME TOKING
Like nearly every other country, India
is concerned about marijuana smoking
and our newspapers regularly publish
articles reporting studies of the drug
with much debate over what they mean.
That has always surprised me. As a
youngster some 45 years ago, I remember
that our servants routinely gathered
every evening after di smoke
charas in their chillum. That was in the
state of Rajputana, which is now Raj
sthan. No one thought a thing about it,
much less considered putting them in jail.
T. A. Peston Jamas
Bombay, India

mer to

ONE MORE ON METRIC

І read with much amusement the re-
sponses in the December Playboy Forum
regarding metric conversions of the cunt-
hair unit of measurement. I realize that
you've been swamped with responses,
but I must urge, in the name of your
usual sense of fair play, that you correct
an error in one of those letters suggest-
ing that the metric equivalent of a cubic
mouthful be the herbie.

At a meeting in Chicago іп 1971, the
Medical Mammographic Equipment
Sales Engineers unanimously adopted
the henon as the metric mouthful. I
know this to be true, because the с
of the henon, and the one who put
that unit of measurement to the medical

community for adoption, is опе A. J.
Fesko, a personal friend. Henons can
be measured unilaterally (the left breast
only—Hn)) or bilaterally (both breasts—
Hn; That is because the left breast
can be as much as one full henon larger,
since it is closer to the heart and pri-
mary circulation.
Your December Playmate, incidental-
ly, is completely off our scale.
Mark L. Meister
Hamilton, Ohio
You're putting us on. Aren't you?

“Can my water bed be
named as a corespondent in
a paternity action?”

LEGALLY CONCEIVABLE

The curious Federal appellate rul-
ing that manufacturers of video-tape
recorders may be held responsible for
actions of recorder purchasers suggests
the possibility of holding other manu-
facturers liable for various damages.

То the point, could not the manufac-
turers of sexually stimulating materials
or devices similarly be held liable for

pregnancies resulting from the use of
their products? In the past, the debate
has been largely philosophical, not legal.
But if a recorder manufacturer can be
sued, or whatever, because I tape а copy-
righted film, what about the maker of
my water bed, in the event that I should
use that device to effect the seduction
of a date who became pregnant? Can my
water bed be named as a corespondent
in a paternity action? What if we end up
screwing on the water bed after having
watched an illegally taped movie? This
could get complicated.

(Name withheld by request)

McHenry, Illinois

We'll get the Playboy Defense Team

on this problem immediately.

NEW PERIL

Legal abortion, equal rights, the Mor-
al Majority, nuclear power, crime in the
streets—all those issues pale in compari-
son with a new phenomenon that threat
ens our land and our culture, as I would

took over from fiddles and country sing-
ers started to sound like Engelbert
Humperdinck. And it never mattered to
me much what the d.j.s played on the so-
called countrymusic radio stations. I
was listening to Willie and Waylon, and
"the outlaws” never ever told me a lie!
Well, now theyre both big movie
and TV stars and I'm sure glad they're
making some real money. But did they
have to start shuffling and scraping and
putting me on like a couple of court
jesters? Waylon's now featured on that
tube boob's delight The Dukes of Haz-
zard, reading dumb lines between the с
wrecks. And Willie can't decide whether
he’s Frank Sinatra (One for My Baby)
or The Andrews Sisters (Don't Fence Ме
In). 1 guess eventually all our heroes turn
out to have feet of clay, even if we don't
notice right away because they're wear-
ing cowboy boots!
D. Goodson
Springfield, Massachusetts

RETURN OF THE BEAST

How people can pluck such a variety
of nonsense out of Biblical and other
numbers never ceases to amaze me. I am.
referring to the Playboy Forum letters
in the August and November issues re-
garding 666.

About a year ago, I decided to prove
to some born-again friends that liter-
ally any superstitious fantasy can be

PLAYBOY

supported with adequate if not awe-
inspiring evidence by juggling divine
numbers. Using a combination of nu-
merology, biorhythms and other theories
relating to cosmic secrets, I formulated
a method that would identify the Anti-
christ beyond any doubt (chortle!

Remember, for example, that Robert
F. Kennedy died on June 6. 1968. June
is the sixth month. The sixth day is
obvious. And if you add the numbers in
1968, you get 24. Two plus four equals
six. That's your first 666.

Now, if you add all the letter values
in the name Robert F. Kennedy (based
on numerology). you get another 666—
Robert is six. F is six and Kennedy is.
well, only one more than six. Which is
pretty close!

Does this mean Bobby's the beast?

Of course not! Mephistopheles must

ATOMIC VETERANS

We have undertaken what may be
the largest man hunt ever conducted
by a private organization—trying to
locate as many as possible of the ap-
proximately 250.000 men who шау
have been exposed to radiation du
ing nuclear tests conducted by this
counuy in Nevada and the Pacific
Ocean between 1945 and 1962. and
during occupation of Hiroshima and
Nagasaki following World War iD
Many of these men and their children
re suffering from radiation-related
illnesses. With the help of the
Playboy Foundation, we have filed
suit against the Defense Department
to obtain the names of veterans who
participated in the tests, but we must
also conduct this search through the
national media. We would like to
hear from these men or their families.
t. Cooper Brown, General Counsel
National Association of

Atomic Veterans
1109 Franklin Street
Burlington, lowa 52601
319-753-6112

have planted all those numerical correla-
tions relating to Bobby to draw attention
to a dificrent event on the same day—
say, the birth of a very special child.

If you have one of those dandy bi
rhythm calculators, you can (сей the
proper data into it for anyone born on
that date and discover even more amaz-
ing clues.

For example, when our unknown
child is 18 years old (three times six
equals 18), his birthday will give us
another 666—June 6, 1986. Six days
after his birthday, all three of his bio-
rhythms will converge on plus six (three
times six), another 666. On September 6,
1986—three months later (а Saturday,

FORUM NEWSFRONT

what’s happening in the sexual and social arenas

KINKY SHRINK

MINEOLA, NEW YORK—A clever hoaxer
masquerading as a psychiatrist has per-
suaded at least ten married women to
have sex with total strangers as а means
of treating their husbands’ supposed
emotional and sexual problems. Accord-
ing to police, the man telephones and
identifies himself as a psychiatrist who
has been secretly treating the woman's
husband. In order to assist in the thera-
py. he says, she must leave the house,

come back with the first man she can
find and ашай further instructions.

During the second call, the fraudulent
shrink carefully explains the delicate
situation to the male stranger, who, the
cops note, tends to gallantly submit to
having sex. “This guy is good,” says
one detective. “We have talked to four
women and three of the men and they
му he is articulate, glib апа abso-
lutely convincing. He is very smooth
and professional.” Since newspapers re-
ported the scam, more than 100 women
called to say they had been similarly
conned but had not followed the doc-
tor's orders.

KEEPING THE SECRET

BELLEVUE, NEBRASKA—Two pages of
а 970-page advanced-biology textbook
used in local high schools have been
glued together because they specifically
describe methods of birth control. A
school administrator said the gluing
was performed by a team of secretaries
and teachers in compliance with a ten-
year-old school policy.

NEW DEFENSE
LowpoN—[n separate cases decided
just one day apart, two British courts
have recognized premenstrual tension
as а mitigating factor in criminal cases.
іп one, а London court gave а three:
year probated sentence to a barmaid
convicted of twice threatening to stab
a policeman, agreeing with the defense
argument that the woman was react.
ing lo physical and emotional changes
associated with her monthly period.
The next day, a Norwich court allowed
а woman who killed her boyfriend 10
plead guilty to “manslaughter with
diminished responsibility" due to pre-
menstrual syndrome and to go free оп
probation. Physicians have reported
that the condition, characterized by low
blood progesterone levels, сап cause
violent and bizarre behavior in some
women. One British study found that
49 percent of women in a London
prison had committed their crimes in
the few days just before and after be-
ginning their periods.

NO TURNING BACK

WAUSAU, WISCONSIN—A sterile hus-
band who insisted his wife become
pregnant by another man is respon-
sible for the child's support, a state
appeals court has ruled. Court records
indicated that the couple were married
in 1974 and the child was born in 1977.
During later divorce proceedings, the
court found that the surrogate-
arrangement had led to the bi
the child and ruled “that a husband
who, because of his sterile condition,
consents to his wife's impregnation
with the understanding that a child
will be created whom they will treat
as their own has the legal duttes and
responsibilities of fatherhood, includ-
ing support.”

CHILD SLAVERY
WINSTON-SALEM, NORTH. GAROLINA—A
39-year-old. deacon of the Church of
God and True Holiness was sentenced
to 20 years in prison for holding eight
teenaged church members іп involun-
tary servitude. Three of the youths said
that another church leader, since sen-
tenced to ten years in prison on similar
charges, had forced them to marry
other parishioners against their will.
The defendant's attorney argued that
the deacon was a pawn of the church
and “got involved in what turned ош
to be a religious misadventure.”

ADS FOR RUBBERS

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The U.S. Postal
Service improperly blocked a New Jer-
sey firm from distributing literature
promoting the use of prophylactics and
advertising those sold by the company,
а U.S. district court has ruled. The de.
cision found that the fliers were not

obscene and did not treat the subject
of contraceptive products “іп а pander-
ing, suggestive or graphic way” and
that the Postal Service therefore vio-
lated the company's freedom of speech.

NATURAL DEATH

Loxvos—More than half of the
British pediatricians responding to a
questionnaire said that severely handi-
capped babies rejected by their parents
should be allowed to die of natural
causes. A separate publicopinion survey
likewise found a majority of respond-
ents in agreement that extraordinary
medical measures should not be em-
ployed to save badly handicapped in-
fants against the wishes of parents. The
issue arose after a pediatrician was
acquitted of atlempled murder in al-
lowing the natural death of a three-
day-old baby afflicted with Down's
syndrome, or Mongolism.

Meanwhile, two New York City doc-
tors have come under criticism from
other physicians in the U.S. and Can-
ada for aborting а fetus with Down's
syndrome seven months before ils twin
was born normally. They defended the
operation as an accepted medical prac-
tice and said that “our procedure was
attempted for the sake of salvaging the
Ше of the normal twin for parents
in an extreme predicament, who des-
perately wanted a normal child. but
found themselves personally unable to
cope with a lifelong responsibility for

а retarded child and who were unwill-
ing to shift ihe burden to society at
large."

WRONGFUL LIFE

sacramENTO—The University of Cali-
fornia Medical Center has agreed to
pay $900,000 in settlement of a “wrong-
ful life" suit on behalf of a severely re-
tarded baby who might have been
aborted if his parents had been told of
the availability of a prenatal test. The
agreement was reached after а superior-
court judge ruled that a jury could de-
cide the question of whether or not the
hospital was obligated to inform the
parents that a test, amniocentesis, could
determine during pregnancy that a
child would be born with Mongolism.
In 1980, a California appeals court held
that such a child could recover damages
from a medical laboratory for its fail-
ure to lell an expectant couple they
carried a genetic disease that would
likely affect their baby.

FAIR IS FAIR

WASHINGTON, D.C—The U.S. Tax
Court has ruled that because the Gov-
ernment can tax even illegal income,
the Internal Revenue Service must al-
low а convicted drug dealer to deduct
the legitimate expenses he incurred in
conducting his business. In the case of
а Minneapolis man who served four
years for drug charges, the IRS rejected
the claimed deductions for lack of
documentation. The tax judge ruled
otherwise: “The nature of his role in
the drug market, together with his
appearance and candor at trial, causes
us to believe that he was honest, forth-
right and candid in his reconstruction
of the income and expenses from his
illegal activities.” The judge allowed
full cosi of the drugs and weighing
equipment, car, telephone and packag-
ing expenses, as well as one third of
the rent, but turned down the travel,
food and entertainment expenses for
lack of receipts. The dealer reported

sales of $128,500, gross profits of
523.200 and a taxable income of
$17,290.

DEATH AND DUTY

FORTALEZA, BRAZIL—A man who laid
down “12 commandments" for his
wife 10 obey has been sentenced to
four years in jail after a jury decided
the strict rules drove the woman to
suicide. The rules, which the wife had
10 sign in front of witnesses, included
never leaving the house im her hus-
band's absence, never questioning his
authority or asking his whereabouts
and assigning him ownership of all her
belongings.

NEW RULES

VATICAN Crty—The Vatican Commis-
sion of the Roman Catholic Church has
widened grounds for annulment of
marriage and reduced the number of
offenses that lead to automatic excom-
munication. The annulment decision
essentially adopted as universal Church
law the grounds for annulment recog-
nized in the U.S. for the past 11 years,
including “severe psychological imma-
turity” or a defective “ability to under-
stand the reciprocal rights and duties
of matrimony.” Automatic excommuni-
cation now applies to only a few
offenses, including physical attacks on
the Pope and abortion.

VIRGIN TESTING

DURBAN, SOUTH AFRIGCA—Concerned
over high rates ој immorality, prostitu-
tion and pregnancy, two subtribes of
the Zulu nation are reportedly con-
ducting "virgin tests” on girls between
the ages of 13 and 21. The examina-
lions, conducted by teams of elderly
women, involve a competition to dis-
cover which tribal region has the most

virgins, with the winning region

receiving a prize bull. Nonvirgins are
subject to a fine of five pounds, which
in some cases may be levied against the
male culprit responsible.

PURITY PRESERVED
Los ANGELES—A local judge has or-
dered а Hollywood-area sex-novelty
store to surrender its supply of T-shirts
depicting Disney cartoon characters en-
gaging in sexual acts. A suit filed by
the Disney company successfully argued
that the explicit drawings of Snow
White and the Seven Dwarfs, Donald
and Daisy Duck and the Three Little

Pigs infringed on copyrights.

PLAYBOY

FETAL LAW

civil rights for unborn citizens

Illinois Congress-
man Henry Hyde,
one of the sponsors
of the Human Life
Amendment, has
tried to reassure us:
Never mind that
doctors, scientists,
philosophers and
theologians cannot
agree on when bio-
logical life becomes human life. “De-
fining when life begins,” says Hyde,
is the sort of qu ongress is
designed to answer, is competent to
answer, must answer.

I just hope Congress is able to han-
dle а few more details. If our fetuses
are now to be full-fledged U.S. citi-
zens, with all the rights and privileges
guaranteed under the l4th Amend-
ment (which, by the way, refers to
“all persons born or naturalized”),
then the Census Bureau will have an
interesting new challenge. It should
be the first agency to require certifi-
cates of conception, since fetuses will
need to be counted for purposes of
ion and representation. Social
Security forms and other permanent
records will probably need to replace
dateobbirth (D.O.B) | information
with date of conception (D.O.C.).

And that brings up another sticky
problem: Just how is the Government.
going to determine D.O.C.? It could
let parents guess, but I get the feeling
some Congressmen don't trust us very
much, and most of us don't think it is
any of the Governments business
when we do what with whom.

So as not to raise any right-to-pri-
vacy issues, Congress could pour bi]
lions into research. to come up with
some ingenious way for a fetus to tell
us its exact moment of conception.
But if the fetus also has the right to
privacy, who is going to protect it
from the Government?

If they've thought this one through,
lawyers should love the Human Life
Amendment, because it } found my-
self pregnant—ah, conceptive—again,
I would hire a lawyer first and ап
obstetrician second. Make that two
lawyers—the fetus gets one, too.
се we don’t have an Equal
Rights Amendment, I could be са
ing someone with more rights tha
have. If a pregnant woman commits a
crime, the courts will need to deter-
mine whether or not the fetus she is
carrying is an accomplice. OK, so
Junior can't be held responsible for

Mother's sticking up
a bank; does that
mean the courts
can't send our inno-
cent preborn human
off to jail with Mom?

My local bartende
is worried, too. The
law says he can't
serve drinks to mi-
nors. He wonders if
he's supposed to administer pregnancy
tests to all his female customers or i
a sworn statement of nonpregnancy
will do.

Child abuse presents the most circu-
lar legal problem. Doctors say drink-

g. smoking, overeating, undereating
and a variety of other activities can
be harmful to a fetus. Even screwing
can potentially introduce dangerous
bacteria or trigger early labor.

Will the Government be able to
order us to stop those activities in
the name of protecting the rights of
the fetus? It seems reasonable that
under the Human Life Amendment
a pregnant woman could be charged
with negligent homicide for carelessly
stepping off a curb, falling and caus-
ing the fatal miscarriage of her fetus.
What 1 want to know is whether or
not an infant is equally culpable for
his mother’s death in childbirth.

There may be a bright side to this
emphasis on conception: We should
be eligible for Social Security and re-
tirement benefits nine months earlier.

Some new tax breaks could also
emerge. The tax deductions for de-
pendents should start at conception
instead of birth, and maybe there's a
way to deduct expenses for an “office
in the home,” so to speak. Maternity
clothes for the working woman will
surely be a valid child-care expense.

Men may think this birth-versus-
conception controversy doesn't alfect
them much beyond learning to hand
out conception cigars and the pos-
sibility of being charged with child
abuse for sleeping with a mother-to-
be, but they may want to rethink this.
Scientists recently announced that
with the successful development of
test-tube conception and artificial im-
plantation, there's every reason to
believe that a man could carry a baby
to term in his abdomen. If this comes
to pass, every woman in the United
States would be crazy not to support

this equal-opportunity legislation.
ліг is fair, Henry Hyde.
— SARAH SPEIGHTS

the sixth day of the week)—he will have
lived for 6666 days.

It seems dear to me that the Anti-
christ will receive a fatal head wound
on his 18th birthday. Six days later.
when his biorhythm cycles converge on
plus six, he will be resurrected. Then,
in three months, when he has lived for
6666 days, he will assume his prophetic
power. Furthermore, that person will be
18 during the time when Halley's comet
reaches perihelion. That should provide
a nice heavenly beam of light for wise
men (or notso-wise men) to follow to
the resurrection si

Anyway (yawn!), all we have to do
now is sort through the names of every
child born on June 6, 1968 (a quarter
of a million or so), to find our beast.
Then we'll just have to have a Senate
subcommitee appointed at great expense
to watch all likely candidates for signs of
satanic activity.

Fm not going to do it. After all.
Tve given the world a sure-fire method
for locating the rascal. If the Govern-
ment won't follow through for a mere
four years, I'll just wait around to say,
*] told you so!”

Dan L. Blake
Elkhart, Indiana
We congratulate you on your basic
good sense and your creative whims

ABORTION DEBATE

As I understand it, and please correct
me if I'm wrong, the current consensus
is that a man is legally responsible for
financial support of any child born of
his doing. If that is so, then any chil-
dren born as a result of amendment
prohibiting abortion will be the legal
and financial responsibility of men such
as Senator Jesse Helms and. Representa-
tive Henry Hyde.

There will never be one true solu-
tion to this problem. God gave us the
power of free will and it is not up to
any preacher or politician to decide
how we should exercise it. The Consti-
tution was not designed to dictate mor-
als but, rather, to protect the freedom
we have to decide for ourselves what
moral standards have enough practical
and social application to be enforced by
law. This country has come too far in
the past 200 years to start moving back-
ward now.

Andrea Parrish
Des PI Illinois

I don't know about the rest of the
country but New Jersey has been
under bombardment from various Mor-
al Majority and rightto-life groups.
They've been littering our newspapers
with ads containing photos of eight-
month "aborted" fetuses, ignoring the
fact that third-trimester abortions are
rarely performed except in emergencies.

What worries me most are the so-called

"The truth is,
] would speak for the quality
of Smirnoff anytime.

Its value
speaks for itself.”

дәзазоооачә

LEE BAILEY,
| trial lawyer.

“Everyone admitted to the bar at my house, always gets
Smirnoff. And no one ever raises an objection.

“Some might argue that Smirnoff?vodka costs more. 111 concede
that. But consider this... for just a little more than you pay for ordinary vodkas,
you can have the great quality of Smirnoff.

“Faced with evidence like this you can reach just one
conclusion. Smirnoff is simply the best value in vodka.
I rest my case.”

There's vodka, and then theres Smirnoff.

FF SVODA 808 100 PROOF DISTILLED FROM GRAN STE. PIERRE. SMIRNOFF FLS (DIVISION OF HEUBLEIN. INC 1 HARTFORD. CT=—"MMADE NUS A^

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Human Life Amendment and the other
bills presently in Congress that would
make abortion and even some forms of
contraception illegal. Everyone by now
should be aware that the Moral Majority
is neither.

almer
New Jersey

Joanne
Stockho!

Dr. Paul Bindrim's amusing reductio
ad absurdum of the rightto-life move-
ment's position is OK as far as it gocs
(The Playboy Forum, November), but he

neglects to consider another whole class
while not
murder,

of potential offenses that,
qualifying as premeditated
could still be construed
the same chain of
that ugly practice of
sonslaughter
If the rightto-life movement has its
way, in the future, when Junior soils
the sheets, Mom had better save them
as evidence and call the police or she
may find herself being charged as an
accessory after the fact.
Evans Thornton
Oceanside, ifor

Dr. Bindrim says, s amend the
right-to-life bill and make masturbation
a capital crime." 1 agree with him. How-
ever, this should not apply to first offend-
ers, They should receive treatment in
special camps.

I admit that on occasion my own index
finger has been used for purposes other
than holding this pen, and as a woman,
T therefore dem 1 rights. D de-
mand to be incarcerated along with any
other illegal masturbators. Coed facilities
will help deter illegal masturbation and
1, for one, will do all 1 can to rehabili-
tate those poor unfortunate offenders.

(Name withheld by request)
Miami, Florida

id е

TOMORROW'S LEADERS

President Reagan and many members
of his Administration consider them-
selves “prolife,” but they are certainly
ot "pro-children"—not with the drasti
budget cuts they propose in elemen
secondary and special education. What
kind of life are these so-called pro-lifers
offering the children of this nation, par.
ticularly the handicapped children and
the children of the poor and needy? Very
few Americans can айога to send their
children to costly private or parochial
schools. Many public-school districts
nationwide are already operating on a
shoestring.

When will the bureaucrats who run
alize that its future rests
large part on the quality of educa-
tional opportunitics made available to
its children? The children of today are
the leaders of tomorrow. According to

this country r

the law, it is the statutory right of every
child to receive free, appropriate pub-
lic education. Let's keep it that way and
not compromise our children's education
for temporary economic gain.

Ghita A. Lapidus
Chicago, Illinois

REGULATION
One way that pressure groups such as

the Mo ty puts pres-
sure on TV stations is to threaten to
contest their licenses at renewal time.
Freedom of speech is a constitutionally
guaranteed right. By forcing the owners
of TV and radio stations to obtain the
consent of the in order to
operate, the Government has changed a
right to a a privilege.

pplies to the
g of permits for various types of
public gatherings and meetings. "The
right to peaceful assembly constitu-
aranteed. By requiring a
permit, agencies of the Government are
changing a right to a privilege. Once
ain, they do not have the authority to
do this, and thus the requiring of such
permits is unconstitutional.
Miles E. Calhoun
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
You make it sound so simple.

SPEAKING IN TONGUES

During a recent college classroom dis-
cussion of glossolalia (the gift of tongues)
in a course I teach on religion, I learned
from a student who has explored this
subject that rescarchers have found that
our interest in this phenomenon (and
presumably actual experiences of it) fluc
tuates with the economy. In hard times,
the religious in certain communities are
more apt to be visited by thi» charismatic
gift. In Aush times, apparently, its oc-
currence is less frequent

That got me thinking. We have been
told that the length of women’s dresses
provides a barometer of economic con-
ditions—hemlines go up when money is
loose and down when it is tight. 1 leave
it to others to verily those separate re-

search findings.

Kevin Lewis

Columbia, South Carolina

Your student may be right, but as

statisticians know, almost anything сап

be correlated. with anything else if you
by hard enough.

THE BIBLE TELLS US SO

Here's а coda to M. Chaney's sharp
letter entitled “The Holy Word" in the
October Playboy Forum commenting on
the Biblical mandate to stone homosex
uals

In Luke 16:18, Jesus Christ is quoted
as decreeing: “Everyone who divorces
his wife and marries another commits

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PLAYBOY

adultery.” No loopholes or reservations.

Now, if Jerry Falwell and his Moral
Majority cohorts are consistent in their
belief in the verbal inerrancy of the
Bible—and particularly in the regula-
tions set forth by Jesus—then he and
his self-righteous henchmen must con-
demn President Reagan (to say nothing
of millions of other Americans) as
adulterers.

Has judge Falwell taken his favorite
President to task as violator of Christ's
unqualified commandment?

Not he!

Most Moral Majority pastors appar-
ently do not usually hesitate to conduct
marriage ceremonies involving previous-
ly divorced persons, thereby counte-
nancing adultery. I've never heard that
Falwell and his clerics label as adulter-
ers those in their congregations who
have been divorced and remarried.

After all, despite Jesus’ embarrassing
declaration, is it expedient to alienate
important wealthy parishioners and cut
off funds that fatten M.M. coffers?

What price hypocri

Ben W. Fuson
Louisa, Kentucky

WAVE OF REPRESSION

No matter who you are, what is hap-
pening in Government is a hit below
your constitutional belt.

Four hits, as a matter of fact:
The Intelligence Identities Protec-
Act makes it a crime to divulge
ation that might lead to the iden-
tification of undercover intelligence
operatives. If the disclosure would “йп-
intelligence operations,
it is a felony—even if the information
comcs from public sources, even if it
exposes illegal conduct, even if you dis-
cover an FBI informant or provocateur
in your group's midst.

2. The Executive Order on Dome:
Intelligence Activities allows the FBI
and the CIA to infiltrate—and to ma-
nipulate—perfectly legal political or-
ganizations, with no more justification
than a "hunch" that the group might
live some foreign connections, and no
requirement for any court-ordered war-
rant for “black-bag jobs." There docsn't
even have to be any probable cause that
any law is or might be violated

3. New State Department passport
regulations allow the Secretary of State
to revoke a citizen's passport merely
because the Secretary believes the per-
son's conduct—maybe nothing more
than perfectly legal speeches or writings
a g 0.5. foreign. policy —might

tion

“cause serious damage to the . . . foreign
policy of the United States.” This could
apply to any critic of U.S. policies—

if the Government wanted to muzzle
that person.

4. The Freedom of Information Im-
provements Act of 1981 is hardly an

improvement.” By broadening exemp-
ions for the ЕБІ and the CIA, it legi
mizes burglaries, mail openings, etc., and
again Cloaks such activities in secrecy.

These developments make a travesty
of our constitutional rights. Legitimate
intelligence surveillance is one thing,
but giving legal sanction to dirty tricks
is another.

Cathy Nonas
New York, New York

FORUM FOLLIES

"The difference between a procurer
and a seducer has been afhrmed by a
California superior court and it boils
down to this: You can be a procurer
or you can be a seducer, but you
can't be both—at least not simul-
taneously. What's more, a seducer can
employ a little deception without
breaking the law.

The ruling came about due to an
appeal by a Northern California
man of his conviction for "attempted
fraudulent. procurement of a female
to have illicit carnal connection."

According to court records, a fellow
named Billy Dean came home with.
his buddy Steve late one night and
found the 19-year-old girlfriend of
Steve's roommate asleep in the apart-
ment. Steve complained that he wasn't
entirely happy with the crowded ar-
rangement, so Billy Dean decided to
tle joke. He undressed,
slipped into bed with the girl and
pretended to be her lover,

As the records tell it, Billy Dean
“undertook prolonged erotic touch-
and caressing (short of any form

penetration, however)
the girlfriend hysterically discovered
and reacted to his identity." In other
ds, she didn’t like the joke and
led the cops, who officiously tossed
the protesting prankster into their
local slammer for attempted sexual
procurement through fraud.

Billy Dean ultimately had his con-
viction overturned, because, the court
ruled, "a person who fraudulently
obtains sexual favors for himself can-
not be held to ‘procure’ within the
meaning of the statutory term .
the word ‘procure’ refers to the act
of a person who procures the grati-
fication of passion for another. A
person who himself obtains the gr:
fication cannot therefore be a pro-
сигег.”

The precedent went all the way
back to 1874, when the state supreme
court wisely declared that a man
"cannot be considered to have been
both procurer and seducer at the same
time, and in one and the same in-
stance, —ROGER GRAY

GUN CONTROL

I read with interest your November
Playboy Forum containing a reader's
letter and your commentary relating
to the shooting scene in Raiders of the
Tost Ark. The philosophical question
had to do with Indiana Jones's ethics in
shooting a bladewielding foe who obvi-
ously intended to slice him to ribbons.
Was the grinning sword swinger merely
а hapless chap who had "very little else
going for him" besides his talent for
knifeplay and who was victimized by а
pistol_packing Jones, or was Indy jus
ably protecting himself from victimiza-
tion?

I refer you to the similar philosophical
issue raised in Esquire in its September
1981 issue, in which an angry, liberal-
minded, progressive-thinking individual
becomes fed up with being mized
and starts shooting back. His argument
is based on the changes in the climate of
personal freedom and safety in our socie-
ty, on the recognition that he and his
wife are leading valuable and important
lives worth protecting and on the recog-
nition that their self-defense is a necessi-
ty and a reality.

Perhaps this is all coincidence. Or is
there a mother lode of middle-class
resistance to victimization, intelligently
argued, that editorial staffs of signifi
cant magazines can't help but stumble
across? Can it be that there are rational,
liberally educated. individuals possessing
social consciences and awareness who

are prepared to defend themselves, with-
out being rightwing IN.R.A.
gunsling

vigilante
Arc knife-wielding foes only
the movies, or as close as your park-
ing lot? How come Indy's choice draws
only loud cheers from cinema audiences?
I encourage you to test these questions
and issues in your publication.

D. Ridgley Brown

Effingham, Illinois

Tell me about gun control. But first.
tell me what our courts are doing about
criminals. When this country begins 10
effectively deal with the “crime prob-
lem,” it will no longer have a “gun
problem.

J. Finkbeiner
‘Alexandria, Virginia
See “The Trouble with Guns” (page
102), by William J. Helmer, who takes а
fresh look at this perennial controversy
and guarantees there's something in it to
offend the zealots on both sides.

"The Playboy Forum"
opportunity for ап extended dialog
between readers and editors of this
publication on contemporary issues. Ad-
dress all correspondence to The Playboy
Forum, Playboy Building, 919 North
Michigan Avenue, Chicago, Illinois 60611.

offers the

PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: PAT R | ( | A H Е А R 5 ||

а candid conversation about kidnaping, brainwashing and bank robbery

with the young heiress

who was once the world’s most famous fugitive

Before the night of February 4, 1974,
few people had heard of Patricia Camp-
bell Hearst. To those who knew her, she
was а 19-year-old Berkeley college student
majoring in art history and living with
her fiancé, Steven Weed, 26, a graduate
student in philosophy. Her family, of
course, which controls America’s largest
privately owned media-and-land con-
glomerate, is well-known, not least be-
cause of the exploits of Patricia's
grandfather, the publishing tycoon im-
mortalized in “Citizen Kane.” But until
that night, Patricia's own concerns didn't
extend beyond the butterflies she felt
over her impending high-society wed-
ding.

Then, abruptly, her life turned upside
down and her name became a household
word. Кійпарса from her apartment and
thrown into the trunk of a car, she
disappeared for 19 months, and the
question “Where is Patty Hearst?” be-
came a national guessing game.

Her abductors were a group of cight
people led by ex-convict Donald De-
Freeze, known as Cinque, who called
themselves the Symbionese Liberation
Army. They first achieved notoriety by

“It would have been crazy not to have
joined the SLA., because they would
have killed It would've taken more
guts to say, ‘Never, I'd rather die? Sorry,
I'm а coward. I didn't want to dic."

claiming responsibility for the November
6, 1973, slaying of Oakland school super-
intendent Marcus Foster. Two of the
original S.L.A. group—Joe Remiro and.
Russell Little—had been arrested for the
murder.

As Hearst would later tell it, she was
originally kidnaped as a way of releasing
Remiro and Little—a political swap, in
other words—but when her kidnaping
caused a world-wide sensation, the 8.1...
changed its objective. Thus began an
extraordinary year and а half—for Patri-
cia Hearst and for America.

For 57 days, this child of affluence
and privilege was kept bound and blind-
folded in tuo small closets as the S.L.A.
demanded "reparations" for poor people
and issued statements to the media. Then

came an astonishing announcement: Pa-

tricia Hearst, according to her own taped
statement, had decided to join her cap-
tors and fight against the “corporate
ruling class"; “1 have been given the
choice of being released in a safe area or

joining the forces of the Symbionese

Liberation Army and fighting for my
freedom and the freedom of all ор.
pressed people. 1 have chosen to stay and

“We all shared a communal toothbrush.
Isn't that disgusting? All those horrible
people and all their cooties! But it was
supposed io be bourgeois to think you
needed your own toothbrush!”

fight... 1 have been given the name
Tania, after a comrade who fought
alongside Ché [Guevara] in Bolivia. . . .
T have learned how vicious the pig really
is, and [my] comrades are teaching тс
to attack with even greater viciousness.”

A short time later, another shock: The
S.L.À., armed with automatic weapons,
robbed the Hibernia Bank branch in
San Francisco, wounding one person.
There, as photos taken by the bank's
cameras later revealed, was Patty Hearst,
holding a weapon and covering her com-
rades. Her conversion was apparently veal.

As Patty would later testify, Cinque
moved the group shortly after the bank
robbery 10 Los Angeles, where they
holed up in a “safe house” in a black
neighborhood. Сіпдие sent his “soldiers”
out on practice missions in three-person
teams, and it was on one such expedition
that Patty and her team members, Emily
and Bill Harris, emerged again into the
public spotlight. It was also the last time
the three of them would see the rest of
the S.L.A. alive.

Outside a Los Angeles sporting-goods
store, Bill Harris was caught shoplifting
and was wrestled to the sidewalk. In a

PHOTOGRAPHY BY LARRY L. LOGAN
“My reaction afterward was, ‘No, no,
they didn't do that to me” It was almost
better to think 1 had willingly, happily
joined them than to th they had been
able to play with my mind.”

PLAYBOY

van across the street, Tania “instinctive-
ly” reached for her automatic weapon
and opened fire. Bill and Emily Harris
escaped and the three took off, abandon-
ing their van, hijacking another vehicle
and eventually fleeing to a motel in
Anaheim, near Disneyland, where they
were to await a rendezvous with their
comrades. In the motel room, they
switched on the TV to witness the L.A.
police and the FBI shooting their safe
house into flames and smoke, killing all
of the other S.L.A. members.

The remaining three embarked on
what has become known as “the missing
year.” Squabbling among themselves, they
returned to San Francisco, where they
теі Jack Scott,a sportswriter and radical
sympathizer, who had previously helped
another friend, Wendy Yoshimura. Scott
offered to get them to New York and
set them up at his Pennsylvania. farm-
house. They agreed and Scott, along
with his parents, personally drove Tania
to New York.

The odyssey continued, eluding the
FB1 as they moved from their Pennsylva-
nia hide-out to one in the New York
Catskills and then back west again to
Las Vegas and Sacramento. Though
separated many times from her com-
panions, Palty made no attempt to
escape—and, indeed, never even con-
sidered it. As she explained at her trial,
she felt there was no place to escape to.
The ЕВІ was after her, then-Attorney
General of the US. William Saxbe had
called her a "common criminal" and she
believed her parents would want noth-
ing to do with her.

In Sacramento, the three were joined
by radical sympathizers Jim Kilgore,
Kathy Soliah and her brother, Steven,
Wendy Yoshimura and Mike Bortin.
There they staged a holdup of the
Crocker National Bank branch in Car-
michael, during which Myrna Lee
Opsahl, 42, mother of four teenaged
children, was shot and killed. Patty did
not direcily participate in that robbery
but, according to her book, did drive a
getaway car. The group then decided to
flee Sacramento and return to San Fran-
cisco. There they began а series of
police-car bombings, and it was there,
finally, that Patty was arrested on Sep-
tember 18, 19

Patty Hearst's fugitive life was over,
but her ordeal continued. Her parents
hired flamboyant attorney F. Lec Bailey
to defend her. The trial became a carni-
val of psychiatric testimony, in which
psychiatrists claimed that Patty was а
victim of “coercive persuasion" —brain-
washing—and wasn't responsible for her
actions, while prosecutor Jim Browning
argued that she fully knew what she
was doing. In what was perhaps the most
damaging evidence of all, ап Olmec
monkey-head charm that S.L.A. member

Willie Wolfe had given to her was found
іп her possession, even though she
claimed at the trial that she detested
Wolfe. The little charm apparently was
construed as proof that she had loved
him—and had participated voluntarily
іп S.L.A. crimes.

Hearst was convicted of bank vobbery
in 1976 and sentenced to seven years in
prison. After she had served nearly two
years, her sentence was commuted by
President Carter. Since it was not a par-
don, Hearst is still trying to get her
conviction reversed by the courts.

While she has been the subject of at
least nine books, including ones by her
ex-fiancé Steven Weed and her former
guard, Janey Jimenez, her own story has
just appeared for the first time, in a
book she and author Alvin Moscow
wrote called “Every Secret Thing.”

Now married to one of her former
bodyguards, San Francisco policeman
Bernie Shaw, and the mother of an
eight-month-old daughter, Patty agreed
10 sit down with Contributing Editor
lawrence Grobel (whose last “Playboy
Interview” was with Henry Fonda in

“Т answered some major
things, like, was I a bad girl
all my life?

No, I wasn’t.”

December 1981) and give her first in-
depth interview ever. Grobel’s report:

“For more than 18 months, ever since
1 met Patricia and she agreed to an
‘exclusive’ interview, I had prepared
myself for this. ‘I’m not going to do
anything else’ she told me. ‘This will
be it? And then: silence. Her book pub-
lisher instructed her not to do any
interviews because she'd be ruining the
impact of her book. So she told me we'd
have to wait until the book was com-
pleted. Once it was, she was under pres-
sure from her publisher to maximize
publicity. She'd give me the longest,
most serious interview, but it would no
longer be exclusive.

“Well, that's showbiz, I thought, al-
though I wondered why Patricia would
let herself be manipulated for the sake
of book sales. Bul, to be fair, Patricia
insists she has more than just money on
her mind. She feels she's suffered a great
injustice and she wants the record cor-
rected. She knows that people perceive
her as а weak, submissive, easily per-
suaded young woman with little mind
of her own, and she’s determined to
change that image.

“We arranged to meet in a suite at

the Benjamin Franklin Hotel in San
Mateo, a five-minute drive from where
she and her husband, Bernie, live. The
first day, she was late because her baby
had overslept, but once she arrived, we
talked for nearly six hours. During breaks
to feed and change her daughter, 1
noticed from опе of the windows two
police cars on the rooftop of the build-
ing next to the hotel. Jt was shortly
after the capture of a Weather Under-
ground fugitive, Kathy Boudin, in New
York, and it occurred to me that the
police might again be interested in
Patty. At least, the cops inside the cars
seemed to һе looking in our direc-
- Patricia was skeptical about my
fears, but when the wind made the door
10 the adjoining suite creak, Patricia
looked up with а starti—then wondered
seriously if someone might be listening
to our conversation.

“After a few days in San Mateo, we
picked up our interview sessions in Los
Angeles. For more than 20 hours, I
grilled her. She was everything 1 ex-
pected her to be: arrogant, sarcastic,
conservative, forceful . . . yes, funny
and likable. But being interrogated was
nothing new to her: She had gotten used
to it after months of probing by the FBI,
court-appointed and personal psychol-
ogists and psychiatrists, lawyers, Р.А.
and prosecuting attorneys. I couldn't
help thinking of Т. S. Eliot’s lines іп
“Prufrock: ‘When 1 am pinned and
wriggling on the wall | Then how should
T begin | To spit out all the butt-ends of
my days and ways" Patricia had been
through at least a few circles of hell and
had managed not just to survive but to
persevere. And she was only now be-
ginning to spit it all out.”

PLAYBOY: Simply put, after all this time,
why the book—and the media blitz sur-
rounding it?

finally be able to just write what hap-
pened. I didn't have to „ "Well, the
prosecutor said this, but what really hap-
Forget it! They had their
v in court. and I don't have to answer
anything they said! I just had to say
what happened. And any old lie they
want to tell, they can, but not in my
book.

l answered some major things, li
was I a bad girl all my life? No, I wasn't.
PLAYBOY: How many of the books about
you have you read? Shana Alexandcr's
book, Anyone's Daughter?

HEARST: Oh, no. Is that book about me
or about her? I have lawyers who read
books like that. If you think it's about
me, I can't help it.

PLAYBOY: What about the book by your
former guard, Janey Jimenez—My Pri
oner? Or Jean Kinney's book on Willie

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PLAYBOY

Wolíe? Or Steven Weed's book?

HEARST: [Laughing] No. 1 haven't read
any of those books. Е don't feel I have to
prepare myself to answer questions
about someone else's work. That's prob-
ably why I don't read thi so I don't
have to waste my time.

PLAYBOY: You've got your own book to
plug.

HEARST: Yeah, I've got my own.

PLAYBOY: With the 5500.000 you received
for your book, plus whatever sums you'll
get from the paperback and possible
movie rights, and the $50,000 Look sup-
posedly paid you for exclusive pictur
of your weddi it c inly scems like
уоште cashing in on your celebrity with
nce.

o. With Look, our attitude at
the time was kind of like, why not? We
didn't get the full $50,000. But it was a
nice little chunk of money and it paid
the down ment on our house. As for
this book, I didn't want some schlocky,
high-powered pic That would
be cheap and sens d Гуе had
plenty of that. E just w nice,
key promotion and thats what I got.
I'm not going on the Johnny Carson
show to sit and listen to those dumb.
jokes. I'm not an entertainer.

PLAYBOY: Well. low-key promotion or
not, you certainly have been in demand
by journalists and the What's
your opinion of those of us who want a
shot at your sto:
HEARST: | have a very h:
ing reporters. T.
sleazy job. chasi
pad in your h
They're зо undig, New York,
they're nuts. I have never in my
whole life a more unsophisticated press.
They just cannot control themselves. We
had one girl jumping on Bernie's back.
Then they hit our car. These were
people from the press wanting an inter-
view! Then there was a National En-
quirer reporter who came running at me
at my home. 1 didn't know who he was.
just this scruffy, scraggy man who
jumped out of a саг si
ran inside Hed the pe "
minutes, they came, threw him over the
hood of it and frisked him. They found
out he was from the Enquire
then, of course, they r
how I lived in terror?
PLAYBOY: What about the Hearstowned
San Francisco there any
s there you respect?

1 don't know. They change.
big turnover in this reporting
ess. 1 don't read the by-lines. Hey.
know, anyhody could write that

low-

med

rd time respect-
ms like such a
‚ a pencil and
oying people.

ified. In
scen

nd са

cle about

xamincr—ar

you
stult. Isn't that awful! I don't know who
any of them are. And I'm not the only

one in my
of the reporters.
PLAYBOY: Were Ше media guilty of over-
Kill in your case?

у who doesn't know any

HEARST: It was getting to the point where
people were so sick of me, they
couldn't stand it anymore. They'd go,
“ dom't care what happens to her.
Please, по more! No төге!” [Laughs]
That's how I felt, too. 1 know how they
felt!
PLAYBOY: Well, before that happens
in. let's turn over the tape and ex-
mine what happened to you.
HEARST: This is the first time I've given
an interview with a tape recorder. I
absolutely have a Using about tapes. I'm
а that some jerk will get
hold. 3 them and play them on the

radio. Funny thing. I don't know why!
How oda!
PLAYBOY: Since your story will have been

retold often by the time this interview is
published, we'll try not to cover details
that are too familiar. But let's go b
that night of February 4, 1974. You а
Steve in your Ber eley ment
when there was a knock on the door.
"The next th
carried outside, scri
into the trunk of a car
through your mind?
HEARST: I just remember scrca
head off as loud as I could. Iw
whole world to hear. It's really
describe sheer terror. You just don't
comprehend being kidnaped unless it
happens to you. L don't 1
anything quite like it. 1 just remember
feeling cold, numb and scared.

PLAYBOY: Didn't you have a premonition
four days before that you might be
kidnaped?

HEARST: Probably because they w
lowing me all over the place:
1 had that creepy feeling. When people
are following you, you don't always
know it, but you know how you feel.
Suddenly. you will look over your shoul-
der and somebody will be loo at
you. They said later they'd been follow-
ing me for a long time, back and forth

ng you know, you're being
ning, and thrown
going

Whar

с fol-
that's why

to classes. They thought it was a big
joke to tell me, “You always take the
same route hom They had been

watching that apartment all da
PLAYBOY: Did vou ever fi
arous that Steven was shout
ything you want.” to them
of course. К
nks, we'll take her.” That's probably
why I said, “No, no, not me.” [Laughs]
Take the stereo!

PLAYBOY: Not lo the Chicago
Tribune titled an “HIDDEN CYA-
NIDE RL ETS FOUND. PATTY'S APART

MENDA The implication was that the
bullets were yours.
HEARST: Not true. DeFreeze lost his bul-
lets in the struggle and they got kicked
under a bookcase, which is where thi
found them. Then, promptly. the FBI
assumed they must be Thanks a
lot, you guys. This is. like, alter
I'm kidnaped, and they think I'm doing

it to myself. And you can't get that out
of people’s minds. They read something
like that and it doesn't matter what else
they see—all they remember is that
“Well, you know. she had bullets in her
apartment. Cyanide bullets!" Or, “She
took her driver's license with her; she
must have known she was being kid-
naped.” 7 didn't take my driver's license;
they did.

PLAYBOY: Do you still care what people
think?

HEAR:

h. E do. I care if somebody
thinks that | kidnaped myself or knew
these people beforehand. There was no
way that 1 knew any of these people!
There has never been any evidence or
any presentation on the part of the Gov-
ernment that that was so. And yet, it’s
this incredibly long-lived rumor.

PLAYBOY: Did you expect the S.L.A. to
try to exchange you for Joe Remiro and
Russell Littl nsom?
HEARST: The o | was to ex-
change hostages then they got
caught up. y and they
started thinking g else. They
were media freaks. They just couldn't

But
II the publi

control themselves. The news, press,
they were addicted to it! They never,
ever really asked for anything as а ran-

The money [for the food program]
was just a good-faith gesture; that wasn't
even the ransom to them. Well, what
kind of a hope is that? 1 was more scared
I started realizing they w
going to ask for money for ransom, It
was so hopeless then. “What are they
going to do?” I asked myself. “Why ше?
1 couldn't have been that bad!" [Laughs]
1 certainly hadn't that good.
either-
I certainly don't think 1
kind of testing.

son

whei 'en't

been

a few minor transgressions, but
needed some

PLAYBOY: Most of the world knows you
were taken to a house in I у
transferred in а garbage сап to ап apart-

ment in 5; Francisco and kept blind-
folded in а small closet for 57 days, with
the radio turned up loud to keep you

from overhearing them and a foul-
smelli tress on the floor. Other
ag alive. did anything scem

nt to try and
were talking

understand what they
about. They thought 1 was so stupid
and bourgeois and horrible

could understand what they were saving
and spit it back at them, it would make
r to get along with them. So that
was import
PLAYBOY: W

s that when they were call-
ing you Marie Antoinette?
HEARST: That's how they felt about me:
that I was just so oblivious to every-
thing: that by my lifestyle 1 was saving,

Let them eat cake." My lifestyle! I was
just some dumb kid going to coll
PLAYBOY: So you didn't sce your

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PLAYBOY

act to kidnap somebody's daughter in-
stead of her father, whom they could
just as easily have kidnaped at that
point. But [sarcastically] they were afr:
to go kidnap the great big man, so they
went after a little bitty girl.

PLAYBOY: Do you think that had they
gone after your father it would have
made as much news as their taking you?
HEARST: It certainly would have. And it
wouldn't have created all the lurid fan-
tasies that went along with “Ab-hah,
there's a black man there. Lots of wom-
еп revolu We know what's
really going on." If it had been my
father, it could have been more to the
nt, but that's not how they operated.
hey ted to sneak around. Their
motto was, "He who fights 1 runs
away lives to fight another da
PLAYBOY: At the beginning. did you see
them as crazies or as revolutionaries?
HEARST: At first, I thought they were just
absolutely insane. and that in itself was
frightening. Later, I stopped viewing
them as being insane and decided they
had some kind of purpose. But their
purpose was really very confused. You
just have no idea how creepy they were!
PLAYBOY: During the first days, did you
think you'd probably be rescued?

HEARST: For a long time, I really thought
1 would be rescued you know, a tunnel
up through the floor or some Mission:
Impossible type of rescue. But at the

point where Cinque came to the closet
and gave me my ultimatum—-"Fight or
die"—I started thinking I wouldn't be
rescued for quite some time.

PLAYBOY: Bill and Emily Harris say that
you were never told to join or die.
HEARST: Well, they're liars.

PLAYBOY: In your book, you write that
Cinque was alone in the closet with you
when he told you that. So isn’t it pos-
sible that the others- cluding the
Harrises—never knew he said that?
HEARST; It’s truc, they may not be lying.
They may actually have not known that
he said that. It’s possible, yeah

PLAYBOY: And, of course, Cinque is dead,
so we have to take your word for it.
HEARST: Or else you can just not believe
me. But he definitely said it. He said
that in other revolutions, common
practice to capture people and make
them join, and they never sce their fam-
ilies again. I never believed I had a
choice. I still don't believe it. I'll never
believe it.

PLAYBOY: It’s been well publicized that
you were raped during your 57 days in
the closet by both Cujo [Willie Wolfe]
and Cinque. Emily Harris has said,
"What is so disgusting is that Patty
would just fabricate this tale about
Willie's assaulting her.”

HEARST: More disgusting is the fact that
he did i

PLAYBOY: Were you forcibly raped?

HEARST: I sure was. And it w;
ing. There've becn plenty of times I just
wished I hadn't even bothered to say I
was, because I get questions like, “Really
raped?” When you're in a closet, blind-
folded . . . I'm sorry, I don't care what
your definition of rape is—I don't care
how willing somebody is to do it rather
than be killed or whatever she thinks
might happen—that's rape!
PLAYBOY: During your trial, your attorney
Al Johnson dramatically described а
time when Cinque entered the closet
and lifted you off the floor by your nip-
ples. Did that happen?
HEARST: By my nipples? Wow. That's
amazing. 1 don’t remember that. I wasn’t
lifted off the floor. I was pinched very
hard, but I was not lifted. That's the
kind of thing L try very hard to just
forget.
PLAYBOY: Did you have a fear that you
were going to be a sexual pawn for them
all—women as well as me
Hearst: Yeah, I did. But it didn't hap-
pen. One of the trial psychiatrists, Dr.
Louis |. West, was so positive that I slept
with women. He would have been the
happiest man if I had said, "Yes, I di
I thought it was just too strange: Why
does he want to hear me say this so
desperately?
PLAYBOY: Maybe he was trying to sec if
(continued on page 84)

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EVERY SECRET THING

memoir By PATRICIA CAMPBELL HEARST with ALVIN MOSCOW
revolutionary life on the lam—from a closet in daly city to a motel at disneyland

The following is an excerpt from
Patricia Hearst's book of the same title,
starling with the period immediately
after her release from a closet in which
she was indoctrinated, psychologically
tortured and raped, through her “con-
version" io the S.L.A., ending with her
description of ihe fiery shoot-out in Los
Angeles. Hearst refers to the SLA.
soldiers by their code names, so the cast
of leading characters is: Cinque—Don-
ald DeFyceze; Teko—William | Harris;
Yolanda—Emily Harris; Zoya—Patricia
Soltysik; Fahizah—Nancy Ling Perry;
Cujo—Willie Wolfe; Gelina—Angela
Atwood; Gabi—Camilla Hall.

On the appointed Monday morning
of April 15, 1974, our weapons for that
day were lined up neatly in their proper
order along the far wall of the bedroom.
They were fully loaded, ready to go.
When I woke up that morning, I simply
could not believe that this day had ar-
rived and that 1, Patricia Campbell
Hearst, was going to take part in a bank
robbery. I could never have even imag-
ined such a thing. Yet, in the past two
weeks since my release from the closet,
just about every moment of every day
had centered on the planning and prep-
arations for this day. 1 knew more about
the Hibernia Bank at Noriega
Street and 22nd Avenue than 1 knew
about my parents’ home in Hillsborough.

Except for me, all of us would wear
disguises to confuse the authoritics on
exact identifications. This was to be, ac-
cording to our general field marshal, a
carcfully planned, fully prepared military
action. Inside the bank, we would com-
municate with one another by number
rather than by name. Therefore, Cinque
assigned cach of us a number: Cinque
was, of course, number one. Zoya was
two, Fahizah was three, Teko was four,
Cujo was five, Yolanda w ‚ Gelina
was seven, Gabi was cight and, last but
not least, I was nine. Cinque divided us
into two combat teams. The inside team
would enter the bank, take control of
the 15 or 20 employees, as well as all the
customers there at the time, while one of
us would leap over the tellers’ counter
and scoop up the money from the cash
drawers. The outside team would cover
us from another car across Noriega Strect,
in line with the entrance to the bank. If
the police arrived, the outside team
would open fire on them, alerting those
inside the bank to fight their way out.

branch

We would all escape together or not at
all Cinque reminded me іп particular
of the S.L.A. codes of war: In any ac
tion, any comrade who failed in his or
her duty or who endangered the lives of
other comrades would be shot on the
spot.

After some deliberation, Cinque se-
lected the ones he wanted on the inside
wam. He, of course, would be going
into the bank in order to take personal
command of the operation. Next, he

picked me. Then he sclected Fahizah
and Zoya and Gabi. Five of us would
be inside the bank; the four others
would be posted as lookout and backup
outside. I tried 10 get my assignment
switched. There was no way 1
go inside that bank, threatening people
with a gun, exposing myself to possible
police gunfire ог S.L.A. execution for
up.

I tried to explain to Cinque that I
was not the proper one to go inside the
bank: I was too weak physically, I was
the least trained, I might not be able to
carry it off. But he simply stared me
down. “You have to go into that bank,
Nine, ‘cause 1 want all the pigs to know
you're really an S.L.A. soldier now. 1
want your picture to he taken by that
bank camera, so there'll he по doubt,
and I'm going to want you to make a
little speech, saying who you are and
what you're doing, so nobody can say
you were brainwashed or anything like
that. Understand:

nted to

Of course T understood. Brainwashing
had become a popular topic of discussion
in our safchouse. Every bit of the contro-
versy in the media was followed intently
by the S.L.A. The comrades were aghast
at the idea that some people did not
believe I had voluntarily joined. I was
so intent on convincing Cinque and
the others of my sincerity, I wished the
speculation would end and would not
endanger my new-found “freedom.” I
wanted the S.L.A. to believe іп me com-
pletely, and to that end, I told myself
1 would accept whatever they told me,
and do whatever I had to do to survive.
In any event, Т had my assignment. I
would go into the bank with the others.

When the plans were set, we practiced
over and over exactly how each of us
would enter the bank and what we had
to do once inside. We rehearsed it as if
it were a play opening on Broadway.
h day, we trained more and more. I
was told how to grip my little carbine
it to and По, constantly
shifting my weight from one foot to the
other. Cinque and Teko were my weap-
ons instructors, but the others chimed
in also. Zoya would sneak up behind me
and kick me in the shins or behind the
knees, like a drill sergeant, telling me,
“Crouch lower . . . get your ass down ...
you're not trying hard enough.” Every
morning, I ran around that hot, dark
room with the carbine in my hands, a
heavy pack strapped to my back and
thick hiking boots on my feet. I was
always tired to the point of exhaustion.
My nerves were frayed with anxiety.
as no rest for this determined
ation army

You're the people's army and you're
a disgrace to the people,” Cinque would
say over and over to his soldiers in his
incessant pep talks. Cinque himself did
not do any calisthenics. He was the
lcader and he never hesitated to remind
you of that. He told us on several occa-
sions that our top priority in this or any
other action was to protect our leader
"Where would you all be if I got shot
he would ask, and the others would ha
ads. "I'm the black leadership

and swin

their hh

1 could hardly believe he was serious
or that the others would be so beholden
to him. To me, he seemed to be
strutting egomaniac, swilling plum wine
most of the day, pinching the girls,
fondling a breast, doing whatever he

PLAYBOY

d well pleased. while all the others
uggled mightily to shape up to his
fantasy of an elite army ol revolutionary
cadre.

The women, as well as the men, often
went about the room bare-chested. With
the windows shut and heavily draped,
the room was usually warm and some-
mes stifling hot. The vigorous calisthen-
ics would have us all sweating within
minutes and oftentimes Cinque would
urge us. "Come on. girls, it’s how. . .
take your shirts off.” At first, 1 was

embarrassed as 1 followed along. But
after a while, it became qu
to exercise bare-breasted, even

Cinque ogling and grinning.
In any army, privacy is a luxury, but
this people's army, there was no
privacy at all. Sex itself had a very low

ity. Love was a manifestation of
cois mentality and, therefore, non-
existent or never admitted to in this
determined little band. But sex was а
natural need, and since we all were
forced to remain underground іп our
safehouse, it was comradely to oblige a
comrade in his or her needs.

Actually. there was not all that much
sexual activity going on in Ше S.L.A.
"There were no orgies, no wild parties. no
group activities. Usually, it was onc of
the women who would approach one of
the men and say, quite n actly,
"Less fuck.” Everyone knew

going on at all times, Standing Watch,
one could not help but overhear the
grunts and sighs and thrashing going on
in the darkened room. It was hardly con-

ducive to romance.

Despite all the revolution
on the subject. however
the S.L.A. a natural pairing off. Cinque
usually slept with Gel the luxury
of the Murphy bed. He obviously pre-
nally, he bunked
е her. It was no

down with Yolanda, despite all their day-
ng and agreed-upon disdain
my. us often as not, the
two of them climbed into bed with Zoya.
Zoya, it seemed to me, was аз nonch

She had once been
lover, before the 5.1. А. had gone unde:
ground, but now she slept with Ye
as oft ith Teko,
ally, she would approach Cujo to

п as she did w nd occ;

1 property of
nding and a far
cry from the young romantic lover the
media would portray him as in the days
to come. Cuj follower,
mesmerized, as though his one desire were
to grow up to be as tough and as clair-
voyant as Cinque. Teko, listening to ех-
ploits described by Cinque, would often
pound the floor or beat one fist into his

> was a

other hand and mutter, “Oh, I wis!
were black!”

I feared and despised Cinque. He con-
ducted or supervised almost all of my
training those first two weeks, and
though we were together all day long,
ter day, he never made an overt
advance toward me. I dreaded
that it would come. But then I surmised
that he was too vain to do the asking:
He expected me to approach him. Only
then would he bestow his favors upon
me.

Diligently, I memorized and practiced
the little speech I was to give in the
bank. It was timed to last almost as
long as the enti ide the
bank—one and one half minutes. In a
loud, clear, determined voice, І was to
announce m me, Patricia Hearst/
Tania, and proclaim that this was not
a robbery but an expropriation of сар-
ist funds for the Symbionese Libera-
tion Army, which was carrying on
against the United States on beh
all the poor and oppressed people . . .
that I had joined the S.L.A. volunta ly
and | was fighting with them of my
own free will. ... Cinque gave me c:
р! structions on how to act like a
determined soldier in Ше S.L.A. He
warned me to Кеср my carbine pointed
at all times at the bank people іп my
area. “Do not tw ound and
never point your weapon at any of the
S.L.A. soldiers at any time or for any
reason,” he told me. “If you do anything
funny. I'm going to blow you away my-
self." he swore. "Remember that!” 1 be-
lieved him without reservation.

While the others wore wigs different
from their own hair, I was given one
with long brown hair, so that I would
look like the photograph of me as Та
Although my hair color was blonde. it
photographed much darker, so that the
public was familiar with me as а bru-
nette. Cinque said he wanted me to be
recognizable in the pictures taken of
me by the banks camera, so that no
one could claim the S.L.A. had substi-
tuted a stand-in for me at the robbery.
It was essential that I be recognized,
while it did not matter so much with
any of the others. The S.L.A. certainly

own

п а

was media conscious.
.

The mood that morning was sombe

We went through our usual line-up and

calisthenics, washed up, and then got

into our combat clothes and wigs. There
would be no breakfast that morning, I
think that surprised all of us. But
Cinque explained that if anyone should
be "gutshot" by the police in the course
of the bank robbery, he or she would
пог want to have a full stomach. What
a thought!

We pi

ed and, with a nod from

Cinque, I walked into the bank, with
Gabi holding the door open and then
following right behind me. We strolled
together the length of the bank to the
rear writing desk, as if I were going to
make out а deposit slip. Within seconds,
all hell broke loose in a blur. I saw Zoya
rush into the bank at a gallop. with little
ah ті; nd her. As Fahizah
mmunition
clip dropped from her submachine gun
and clattered to the floor. She knelt down
to retrieve the banana-shaped clip and
Cinque, charging in. leaped over her
waving his own submachine gun at the
startled people in the bank. As they
came through the door, I got my own
bine out into the open and pointed it
at the assistant bank manager at the
rear desk, as well as at two women at
nearby desks. At the same time, in a
loud, strong voice that just about froze
everyone in the bank, €
"This is a holdup! The first mother-
fucker who don't lay down on the floor
gets shot in the head!"

1 don't remember saying or doing
anything other than point my carbine
the people on the floor in front of me.

ique. shouted:

‘The assistant manager said later that he
had asked me where he should lie down
and that Т did not respond. On his own.

he joined the others who were bunched
together in а group on the floor, belly
down, glancing up at me. I happened
ice at this point that the bolt of
my carbine was olf to one side rather
than closed and flat. It struck me that
the carbine was not operable. I remem
bered vividly, however, not to point it
d the front of the bank, where the
other S.L.A. people wert

Everything seemed to be happe:
fast, with the sounds of bedlam all
around me, and yet it also seemed to be
taking too much time. 1 was confused.
Then 1 remembered suddenly thar 1 was
supposed to be making a speech. In the
loudest voice I could muster, I m:
aged to get out: “This is Tan Е
tricia Hearst..." And I could recall
no more of what I was supposed to say.

I heard Cinque shouting out numbers
and it was time to go. In the same in-
stant, or so it seemed, I heard the
rapid shots of a subm
lit sight of
the doorway, 1
ly saw his jacket rip open
struck him. Fahizah was in a

tow

ing so

ош
асша
bullets

t really know what happened
- My mind shut down, went
But I must have left the bank
n my number, nine, was called. I
ber stumbling into the station
nd Cinque climbing over my
lap, as he was the last one into the wag
on. We sped away and within one or two

minutes, we made our switch to a green
Ford LTD, which was parked near a
school no more than a half mile from the
bank. At each
would call out,
or. "Watch out for that car.

Cinque put a stop to all extrancous
talk, but Fahizah did lean over and
tell me, “It’s a good thing you remem-
bered to say your name.

Once back in the safehouse, they broke
out in laughter, broad grins and con-
gratulations, Gelina spilled the bills out
of the stuffed bag onto a blanket spread
on the floor. Someone switched on the
radio to catch the first news bulletins.
What we heard was the popular new
rock song Money, Money, Money. My
comrades loved every minute of it. Both
our radio and our television set were
kept on all day and late into the night
They flipped dials and adjusted the
sound to take in every possible descrip-
tion of their exploit

І felt sick to my stomach. It sc. med
unreal and degrading, seeing mysell on
television, being identified so publicly
with the S.L.A. and with that bank rob.
bery. I sensed that I had, in fact, cr
over some sharp line of demarcation
Was I truly on the other side now, allied
with the S.L.A? Even though I had
joined the S.L.A. before the bank rob-
bery and recited that "stay and fight"
tape, somehow seeing and hearing it pro.
claimed on television and radio, for all
the world to know, made it official. For
те, suddenly, it became plain: There
was no turning back

Some weeks liter, Teko was installed
as second-in-command by Cinque. From
that time оп, he became increasingly
arrogant. He strutted about, lording
over the rest of us, criticizing everyone,
with the exception of the general field
marshal. Теко fights with his wife,
Yolanda, became so violent that the two
of them came to blows on occasion and
stopped only when Cinque interceded
And yet, only a few days later, whei
nque announced that he had dr
up a reorganization of the S.L.A. into
three permanent teams, Teko and
Yolanda banded solidly together in fight-
ing Cinque and everyone else, be
Cinque's plan would have separated
them. His plan was the culmination of
discussions on the future role of the
S.L.A.

For the revolution, Cinque announced,
the S.L.A. would divide itself into three
teams, each with three members, based
on each person's strengths and weak-
nesses. Cinque led his team, with Gabi
and Geli ahizah led Cujo and Zoya;
and Teko led Yolanda and me. The

intersection, s

mconc
This street is clear,”

sed

AUSE

na;

teams would operate as completely in-
dependent, self-sufficient units, training

Seagram

listening stirs with the excilin, sounds beth
p lisi

r disco.
astern, ja22, 01
cars ысы Tv e.
f sound advice

Еа
count?
A bit o

Seagram's

‘SEAGRAM DISTILLERS CO., N.C. AMERICAN WHISKEY-A BLEND. 80 PROOF,

PLAYBOY

together, taking actions together. Once
we took to the streets, we would go our
separate ways. never mecting ag. ех
cept for occasional war-council mectings
of all the S.L.A. units. Each fire team
would re t followers and build itself
into another full combat unit. From that
moment on, we did everything by teams.

Our next combat operation was going
to be our biggest onc, Cinque announced,
for we were to advance the revolution by
going out on "search and destroy" mi
sions to shoot down and kill policemen.
During the night, we would roam the
streets, ambushing policemen wherever
we found them. on foot or in their rol
cars, This would be outright guerrilla
warfare. We would strike fast with heavy
nd then disappear into the
night. In the early-morning hours, cach
team would invade a civilian home, take
control of it throughout the day, sleep-

ng and standing guard in shifts, and
then depart on another search-and-
destroy action under the cloak of dark-
ness that night. At first, of course, people
would resent the ii ion of their homes,
but they would learn that the S.L.A.
would never harm them. In the homes,
Cinque said, we would explain the rev-
olution to the people, even try to recruit
them. The S.L.A. would attack only the
police and other enemies of the people.
Before long. people” would come to
understand our mission and would we
come S.L.A. combat teams into their
homes. Others would join in once it all
began. Confined to that dank, dark safe-
house, we lived in a world of our own.

Cinque had become totally paranoid
about the police closing in on us in San
ncisco, He believed that our search-
and-destroy missions would be much
more effective in sprawling Los Angeles,
where we could strike fast and escape in
that urban jungle that had no natural
boun ез. His decisi
Angeles caused consider
tion among the others.

We studied maps of Watts and Comp-
ton, two black ghetto areas, and also
Grifhth ‚ where Cinque thought we
could hide when necessary in the heavily
wooded areas. Apart from the combat
drills and exercises, Teko and Yolanda
spent most of the day together, planning
future actions for our t . while I tried.
to stay out of their way. I sat most of

is-

n to move to Los
ble consterna-

the time slumped in a corner, reading
weapons manuals or road maps. feeling
iscrable and sorry for myself. As our

team commander, Teko was
arrogant and domincer
about and critici;

mpossibly
ng. ordering us
g our work. I always
did as I was told, like a whipped dog,
but Yolanda almost always fought К.
Thad decided in my own mind that, of
1 the S.L.A., these two were the most

evil as a matter of innate personality. I
ed them. *
We drove through the night down
Route 99, the least traveled north-south
hway, passing through California's
farm country, Fresno, Bakersfield and
dozens of small towns, encountering only
light local traffic. Despite the highly
publicized man hunt for us, we thought
it unlikely that the state highway patrol
would be checking this road or that the
local police would be awake at this time
of night. Nevertheless, on the floor in
the back of the rattling, bouncing Chevy
п. I felt like a caged animal—tervified.
I could sce the backs of Tekos and
Yolanda's heads and shoulders in the
front seat and could hear the murmur
of their But, once again. they
were ignoring me, as if 1 were a piece of
baggage. Our automatic weapons were
hidden beneath a blanket on the floor
of the van, ready to be used. 1 alte
nately sat or stretched out on the bare
metal floor, but there was no way, no
position, in which I could make myself

voices.

comfortable, much less sleep. There was
ngeness to

an eerie su
through these unfamili
сер of the night, leaving San Francisco
behind me, presumably forever. How
long would it be before 1 would be
tested in the revolution that Cinque had
prophesied? I could mot face the terror
of shooting at people—and of being shot
at. 1 told myself that it simply could not
happen . - . I would somehow survive. 1
could not go on with the contemp!

of my own death. I taught myself to live
without thinking beyond the present
moment. One can function that м
by day. I did not think of my p
my sisters, my friends. I did not think
of escaping. It never occurred to me to
pick up a submachine gum and blast
the two people L hated so much, who
sat there with their backs to n un-
protected. They were my comrades, and
Teko was my general.

Cinque and his "army" found а safe-
house in Los Angeles, where training in
three-person teams continued.

While the feature-story writers in the
а were portraying the S.L.
as a band of idealistic radicals. however
misguided, who were involved in sex
orgies and daring exploits against the
establishment, conjuring up romantic
tales of adventure, we ourselves were
sinking into the depths of psychosis. We
were cut off from the outside world and
lived in an isolated realm of our own.
We had only our battery-operated radio
for news. The radio played all day long
and most of the night, too, and Cinque
would often hear song lyrics that con-
пей. for him, special allusions to the
revolution. Over and over, he would

it all, passing
towns in the

news med

stop us all and yell, “Hey, listen to this,"
and we would all focus on a song's lyrics
for a hint of our revolution. I never
doubted that the hidden mcaning was
there, only that 1 was sufficiently knowl-
edgeable to understand what our leader
heard. We worked all day at our revolu-
tion with as much, if not greater,
ty as ever before—combat drills,
calisthenics, weapons practice.

In retrospect, 1 suppose all of us were
suffering from a combination of group
hypnosis and battle fatigue, our anxie-
ties and fears stretched to the breaking
point. 1 had made my adjustment men-
Шу to this fugitive life: I accepted
orders and did as instructed, without
questioning. But physically, I ached
a dull pain all the time. I was t
before the day was half over. My stom-
ach cramped up in spasms at unexpected
moments. My menstrual periods were so
irregular I lost all wack of them. I wept
more and more each da

At a meeting one day, I noticed for
the first time just how gaunt and sickly
all my comrades had become. Bereft of
sunlight and fresh air, their skin had
turned to the pasty color of flour. Cinque
ppeared yellow than black.
Fahizah's cheekbones protruded in clea
e from her face. T thought 1 was
seeing her death mask when I looked
at her. Death stalked the foul air in that
safchouse. More than ever before, all of
them talked of death. Hardly a day or

hight went by but that someone men-
tioned death and others quickly took up
the subject. They went beyond the cor
cept of death’s being beautiful. It be-
came a necessity. The only way the
L.A. would ultimately prove to
the people that it meant what it said
would be by dying lor the cause.

оге

Having left оп a sion,” which led
to an incident at Mel's Sporting Goods
Store at which Hearst covered her com-
panions, Teko and Yolanda, by spraying
submachine-gun fire over their heads, the
trio eventually headed south for Ana-
heim. During their absence, the тезі of
the А. had moved out of their safe-
house, and the plan was for Teko's
team to hide out in a motel near Disney-
land until they could join their com-
rades—wherever they were.

Disneyland, even from the outside,
looked enormous and inviting. It had
been years since I last visited it as a
child, so young and innocent and care-
free. But now I knew I could never
п, as much as I may have wished,
rc was too much risk that 1
would be recognized. It was well after.
five o'clock, perhaps nearer to 5:30,
when we pulled into the токі parking
lot. Teko told me to get under the blan-
ket on the floor of the car in order to

see

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PLAYBOY

stay out of sight while Yolanda went in
and registered for a room for two. They
would sneak me into the room to save
money ty, in case the po-
lice n alerted to look for two
women
motel. 2
drove around to our room and moved
in. We now had only our weapons with
us, having lost the clothes and the gro-
ceries we had bought when we аһап-
doned Cinque’s VW. The room seemed
marvelously big to me and clean, with
two large double beds and a color-tele-
vision set. Teko headed for the TV as
soon as we got into the room.

“It's live . look, it's live!" he es
ned. shaking all over, pointing. We
athered around the set and watched.
‘There in living color could see what
seemed like a regular cops-and-robbers
show: an army of policemen, wearing
gas masks and battle fatigues, surround-
g a litle white-stucco house. The an-
cer kept repea the S.L.A.
trapped inside fused the
police's d they come out and
surrender. Wi minutes of our turn-
ing on the TV set, the shoot-out started.
The emotional shock was devastating.
Shots rang out and my body reverberated.
as though struck. Т s canisters were
fired into the house. Clouds of smoke
nd gas poured out the front window:
followed by a fusillade of submachine-
gum fire from the house in response.

“Thav’s our people in there!” screamed
Teko. Yolanda began sobbing. Teko
nged channels and it was the same,
perhaps a different angle, a slightly dif-
ferent scene, but it w all the same,
like a war-news film out of Vietnam. As
Teko impatiently switched channels, we
aw the same scene over and over again,

nd for sci
1 bee
and

cl;

but we did get ty of synopses of
what had happened earlier, before we
had reached the motel. Apparently,

Cinque and the others had taken over
that house at East 54th Street in the
Compton area during the previous night
or in the carly hours of this morn-
ing. They were holding the black occu-
раш» of the house hostage, the newsmen
said. But they were all trapped. inside,
surrounded by an overwhelming force
of Los Angeles police, more than 100 of
them. Furthermore, there were contra-
diaory reports on how many S.LA.
embers were inside the house. Neigh-
bors who had visited the house before
the police arrived reported that Patri
s inside. Others said she was
n, the news

st м:
not, Over and over aga

porters speculated, but no one knew for
sur r

Finally, the police had fired t
into the house and the shootout had
gun-

I watched all this, trembling on the
floor, h nst the foot of one

aning

of the beds. Yolanda was propped up
on the other bed and Teko sat on the
edge of the foot of that bed,
back and forth, changing ch
the television set and screaming out in
defiance his own interpretation of the
shootout: The S.L.A. would not be
holding black people hostage—the black
people would have welcomed the 8.1...
and they were now fighting alongside the
S.L.A. against the oppressors. The S.L.A.
would never surrender. Cinque һай al-
ready told the world that. This was a
shootout to the death, as Cinque had
prophesied. If our comrades had to dic,
this was the best way. They would
take a lot of "pigs" with them. They
would kill ten for every one of the S.L.A.
slain. The “pig reporters” were interest-
ed only in Patty Hearst, not in what
happened with all the others in Ше

s, as we learned from re-
ports later, that Cinque and the others
had gone to that house, at four o'clock
in the morning, because it was the only
one around showing a light at that hour,
and he had bought his way in—for $100.

As the shooting continued, Teko swore

silhouette of Ginque running
ndow, bobbing and weaving in
his own characteristic manner. At anoth-
point, the camera caught the fiery
blast of a shotgun coming out one of
the front windows and Teko identified
the shotgun and the man behind it as
Cujo. Cheering them on, Teko predicted
that if they could just hold out until
dark, at least some of them would be
able to escape.
We should go up there and help ow
comrades!” he cried out. “We could blast
the pigs from the rear and fight our way
in, so our comrades could escape.’

“Its no use, Teko. We'd be so out-
numbered, we'd just be killed and it
would serve no purpose,” Yolanda said
sadly.

“We should go. anyw
with our comrades.’
"NO." said Yolanda. “С
vant us to live and to fight on. ТЇ
what we've got to do.

"Oh, I h I were ther

ay. We should die

inque would

with them."

Teko moaned, punching his fist on the
bed.

It went on for a whole hour, a mini-
ty wher

war in the black ghetto of the
movies are made, all of it in li
color on television. It was Багі
overwhelming, unbelievable. And then
the house caught fire. It went up in
nes in an instant. Teko screamed
in agony. With flames shooting up
through the roof and the television re-
porters saying that по one could live
much longer inside the house, the police
1 and for the last time called upon.
. to surrender: “Come out. The

aga

the S.

house is on fire. It’s all over. Throw your
guns out the window. You will not be
harmed.” The reply was a burst of gun-
fire from the house. Teko cheered
through his tears. A few minutes later,
the gunfire from the house ceased and
the police stopped shooting. Only the
fire continued. Then one of the walls
and finally the whole house collapsed in
flames. It was all over.

Teko and Yolanda fell into each oth-
ers arms, clutching each other in grief
and misery. Slumped on the floor below
eye level with the television screen, 1
merized. Everything was 1
ound me and І wa
еко and Yolanda’s wailing be-
and louder, blending with
the incessant bleating of the TV news
reporters, and I heard it all over a dull
buzzing inside my head. Numbed but
perhaps on the brink of hysteria myself,

came loud:

1 crawled on all fours to the bathroom

and locked myself

I sat in there alone for I do not know
how long, with only the mumble of the
sounds from the other room reaching
1 1 don't know for sure what I
thought. I tried to collect my thoughts,
but they ran through my head as through
a sieve. I could not stand the two people
the other room. I could not believe
what I had just seen on television. 1
could not resist projecting mysell into
that shoot-out, witnessing my own death.
Some of the TV reporters had been say-
ig d in there. ] knew that if 1 had
been in there. the police would have
behaved precisely the same way. Why
would they do anything ele? Cinque
had told me it would be that way. If I
had been there, I would be dead now. I
could not believe Cinque really was
dead. I just could not believe it. Yet it
flashed through my mind that 1 was glad
he was dead. Glad that all of them were
dead. They deserved to die for what they
had done to me. They had expected to
die in this cause, but they had по right
to expect me to die with them. But then
I corrected myself: That wa bad
thought to harbor. The shootout had
been barbaric. I really did not wish them
in that way. In fact, I really did
nt them to be killed, because now
I was left with the Harrises, for whom I
felt no comradeship whatever. My fear of
them intensified. My life in the S.L.A.
would be even more miserable from now
on.

I sat there on the floor in a stupor. I
was a soldier, an urban guerrilla, in the
people's army. It was а role I had ac-
cepted in exchange [or my very life.
There was no turning back. The police
or the FBI would shoot me on sight, just
as they had killed my comrades. . . . I sat
there sobbing—not for my comrades but
Tor myself.

Teko

aged on the door with his

We know bodies and we know lit
In fact, aiter 70 years of dressing Americans in
Swimwear and activewear,
nobody knows bodies better than Jantzen

Nobody knows
bodies better.

PLAYBOY

fist. "What the hell you doing in there?
Come on out here, now:

Yolanda was displeased with my con-
duct. "You really are not showing the
proper respect for our fallen comrades,
Tania. You must stay here with us and
watch the news. Perhaps one of our com-
rades got away.” Shocked and subdued,
the three of us sat on one of the beds,
watching ghastly scenes from the “mop-
ping up” operations. My empty stomach
turned at the grisly horror of it all. My
eyes wanted to sce no more, my ears
to hear no more about the fate I had
so narrowly escaped.

Shortly after ten P.M., the televi
cameras picked up the scene of my par-
ents, accompanied by my sister Anne,
disembarking from an airliner at Los
Angeles International Airport. They had
come from San Francisco to be on the
scene, to find out if I were dead or alive.
Teko vented his fury at the attention
given by the capitalist press to my fam-
ily. It was as if no one cared at all about
any of the others іп the S.L.A., he said.
To me, it all looked surreal. 1 felt no
emotion whatever upon seeing them
after so long a time. In fact, it occurred
to me that they looked dead, as if they
were in another world far apart from
mine. The connection between us had
been severed forever, I thought.

As we watched the ll-o'cdlock news
summary, Yolanda talked of the future:
We had to send our condolences to the
families of our slain warriors; we had
t0 return to the San Francisco Bay Arca
to recruit and rebuild the S.L.A; we
had to fight on in memory of the lives
given in the cause.

She turned solemnly to Teko and
said, “Do you realize that now you are
the head of the Symbionese Liberation
Army? You are udw the general field
marshal of the S.L.A.?"

"Yes" he replied softly. "I will do
my very best to carry on the struggle as
Cinque would have wanted. . . ."

“Tania,” she said, turning to me, "we
both have to give Teko all the respect
that we gave Cinque, because he is our
leader now. We've got to try harder than
ever before to cooperate with one anoth-
ег.... We've got to work as a team all
the time . . . and we've got to support
Teko, because now he is our leader.”

“Yes, of course," I said, “I'll really
try.”

When the llo'lock news ended,
Teko announced that it was time for
us to turn in and get a good night's
sleep. We were all exhausted, red-eyed
from weeping, spent.

Yolanda turned to me and solicitously
asked, “ania, do you want to make love
with us tonight?”

“No, thanks,” I said, and climbed into
the other bed alone.

PATRICIA HEARST

(continued from page 76)

you had reached a point where you had
repressed it and couldn't remember it
at all.

HEARST: Maybe that was it.

PLAYBOY: How long did your fear of
homosexual advances last?

HEARST: Until after I got the blindtold
off and started seeing exactly how they
were interacting with one another. The
women were too uptight to have forced
sex with me. They were so repressed
themselves, in spite of everything they
said. It's one thing to have it with the
men, but to force two women to have it,
no way; they were just way too uptight.
PLAYBOY: They couldn't have been that
uptight. You describe in your book how
all the women, including yourself, often
walked around topless during the day.
HEARST: It was a very conscious thing on
their part to be casual about nudity,
but it was not this relaxed atmosphere.
They all thought it was revolutionary.
"They all did.

PLAYBOY: During your captivity, did you
ever worry about getting pregnant?

HEAR: sure did.

PLAYBOY: How would you describe your
living conditions with the 5.
HEARST: I was living in filth.
PLAYBOY: Did you all actually share a
communal toothbrush?

HEARST: Isn't that disgusting? All those
horrible people and all th: cooties*
But it was bourgeois to think that you
needed your own toothbrush.

PLAYBOY: How similar were you to the
S.L.A. women?

HEARST: Probably brought up fairly sim-
Папу. I don't think that they were
necessarily better educated than me,
though. [ had an awfully good, solid
background in high school and was do-
ing all right in college.

PLAYBOY: Would you consider
feminists?

Hearst: No, I don't think they were
feminists at all. They mouthed a lot of
feminist slogans, but their behavior was
sexist. And it was a weird kind of sex-
ism, too. Like: We're really feminists, but
in order to be revolutionaries we have
to be macho. Most feminists are not
heavily into violence. These women
thought that they needed men to teach
them, because men are more violent and
that's really the best way to be. That's
not my idea of any kind of feminist.
Women are historically the pillage of
war, and so I was just one more bit of
plunder.

PLAYBOY: Let's talk about the women
who were involved in your kidnaping.
What was Patricia Mizmoon Soltysik,
who was called Zoya, like?

HEARST: She was a scary person, because
she was very, very cold, just icy cold, to
everyone. Unapproachable and cruel.

them

She'd turn on the charm and be sweet
occasionally, but not very often. She
talked about slitting a chicken's throat
once and the blood going all over every-
body, how it was good practice for kill-
ing people, a toughening, ritualistic
blood bath. You know, people read these
descriptions in papers, like, they were
just a bunch of nice college kids—a little
mixed up, but nice. They just weren't
пісе
PLAYBOY: Let's ро on to Gabi: Camilla
Hall.
HEARST: She would have been very nice
had she not been involved in this group.
She was an artist, but DeFrecze thought
her artwork was bourgeois and didn’t
want her to talk about it. She was forced
to repress her artistic feelings. You could
see she was upset. It was really crummy.
She didn’t seem to belong there at
all, not just artistically but sexually.
DeFreeze was very, very uncomfortable

with her homosexuality. It's like he was

afraid of her, almost phobic when
came to her, and since he was the leader,
that made it awfully hard for her. It’:
really sick the way they treated her. She
was miserably unhappy, but she didn't
leave. She was in love with Patricia
Soltysik and followed her into this hap-
py little band of weirdos and ended up
getting killed in L.A.

PLAYBOY: Were she and Soltysik still
lovers?

HEARST: No, that had ended. And when
Zoya would sleep with DeFreeze,
Camilla Hall would cry. It was a terri-
ble, terrible situation for her.
PLAYBOY: What about Gelina:
Atwood?

HEARST: I describe her as being giggly.
She was livelier than the rest, the com-
edy relief of the S.L.A. She was the
only one who would joke around with
DeFreeze. Like, if he told her to do push-
ups, she could give him a phony, silly
salute and not get knocked across the
room. She'd still do push-ups. She was
definitely the easiest to pass the days
with. She was Joe Remiro's girlfriend
and she wanted nothing more tian to
get him out of prison; that’s what she
was doing there. She'd sit and prac
e drawing her gun and then say,
“The prison pigs are dead!"

PLAYBOY: Her purpose, then, was ro-
mantic? A love story?

HEARST: She was romantic, but she was
also political. I hate to call it radi
politics, because it wasn't. It was terror-
ist. The purpose was anarchy, and that
is antipolitics.

PLAYBOY: Nancy Ling Perry, who w
called Fahizah?

HEARST: She was much more
than the rest of them, in a wi
She worshiped DeFreeze, really believed
he was a prophet from God.

PLAYBOY: Yolanda and Teko—Emily and
Bill Harris—are still in prison, and we'll

Angela

и 5
| IMPORTED

BY VAN MUNCHING & COLING

ЕРІ “Come to think of it,
т НІ have a Heineken”

PLAYEOY

be talking more about them as we go
on, since you were intimately involved
with them throughout your 19 months
underground. 15 there anything you
want to say about them now, before we
get to Cujo and Cinque?

HEARST: Just that I now think 1 know
them better than they know themselves.
PLAYBOY: They'll love to read that.
HEARST: Oh, of course. They're so busy
lying about themselves. Like, when they
stood in the courtroom and Emily cried,
"I'll mis my wonderful husband so
desperately." This is their plea at sen-
tencing? Come on! Those two were hard-
ly together even when they were arrested.
They loved and hated each other. But
to use that as a ploy! All my family
wants them dead. My mother is the one.
who really thinks they ought to be dead
She would like to kill them. The satis-
[action of getting her own hands on
them! [Laughs] She says she'd like to
slap their sassy faces.

PLAYBOY: And yourself?

HEARST: I feel about them like I do about
a terribly sick dog, that they'd be so
much happier if they were put out of
their misery [Jaughs} - put them to sleep.
PLAYBOY: In your book, you repeatedly
say you'd like to have killed the Harrises.
HEARST: Yeah. Thank goodness I didn't.
I'd probably be charged with their mur
der and executed for it. [Laughs] 11%
hard to believe that they will really be
out of prison soon. They got a terribly
good deal in their sentences in Alameda
County. They were extremely lucky.
Maybe after my book, something will
happen; maybe charges will be brought
against Emily Harris.

PLAYBOY: We're jumping ahead of our
story now, but let’s go to the killing of
Mrs. Myrna Lee Opsahl, the 42-year-old
mother of four who got shot during the
Crocker Bank robbery in Carmichael.
You say, unequivocally, that Emily Harris
Killed her. Did you witness it?

Hearst: No. She admitted to me right
after she did it that she'd done it.
PLAYBOY: What was said, exactly?

HEARST: Jim Kilgore said something
about the woman who was shot. I said,
“Who did it?" And Emily said, "I did.”
Now, Doubleday's lawyers are confident
enough to leave that in the book.
Doubledays not having any problem
with that. If they thought for a second
that it wasn't true, it wouldn't be in
there. The fact of it it's true. It's
been told to the FBI. It's been told to
the Sacramento County Ю.А% and
Sheriff's offices.

PLAYBOY: Why, then, wasn't Emily Har-
ris brought to trial on a murder charge?
HEARST: Hey, don't ask me. I'm not with
the D.A's office. They haven't done it.
They should do it. I feel what they've
done is hope that by not thinking about
it, it will just go away. I mean, they

could conc ly try me for it for
writing about it in the book and saying
that I know about it. But it’s not right
for them to just pretend it didn't hap-
pen and try to ignore it. Here she goes
and kills someone and immediately justi-
fies it by saying, “Well, she was just a
pig, anyway, her husband was a doctor.”
Well, God!

PLAYBOY: Did you all know immediately
that the woman had been killed?

HEARST: Emily says it was an accident
because her finger must haye slipped on
the trigger. Well. She couldn't have
been more than nine feet away with a
shotgun going off, and they always used
double-ought buck, which isn’t exactly
bird shot. It's a shotgun shell with nine
pellets in it, and each pellet is the size of
a .30-caliber slug. Anybody would get
killed from that.

PLAYBOY: When Emily told you that, did
it make you feel you were in deeper
than ever then?

HEARST: It made me feel very worried for
myself, because when they really do it,
and you're right there, they'll Kill any-
body; they'll kill me. Yeah, they killed
Marcus Foster, but I wasn't around
then. With this woman, I was right next
to Emily as she's saying she's done it
It's just so much more immediate, the
smoking gun is still in her hand.
PLAYBOY: The way it stands now, both
Bill and Emily Harris are due to be
released in 1983. Is there any chance
they won't Бе?

HEARST: I doubt it. There's no rethink-
ing. Her sentence expires. She's served
all her time.

PLAYBOY: Do you think you'll ever see
them again? Think they might try to get
in touch with you?

HEARST: Oh, they had best hope not. I
have no intention of secking them out.
PLAYBOY: So, no compassion for your
fellow man?

HEARST: I’m not talking about compas-
sion for my fellow man; I'm talking
about total hatred for two specific people
who are still alive. [Laughs]

PLAYBOY: Then, put it this way: They
were your comrades, so to speak, for a
long time. Do you think there's any
chance they can become decent members
of society once they're released?

HEARST: I think there's more of a chance
for Bill Harris to be a responsible mem-
ber of society than there is for Emily.
Just my own personal reaction. En
just too determined that this revolution
of hers is right, She'd never say, “I made
a mistake.” Whereas Bill would never
say it out loud, but he might think it
and do something else.

PLAYBOY: We'll return to Bill and Emily,
but since you mentioned it, who killed
Marcus Foste
HEARST: I was told that it was Mizmoon
and Nancy Ling Perry and DcFrceze.

DeFreeze had a shotgun, so he would be
the one who shot Robert Blackburn
Nancy had a Rossi and she missed Foster,
and then Patricia Soltysik shot him
PLAYBOY: Did they ever talk about that
at all?

HEARST: Those three did not talk about
it. The only ones who actually talked to
me about it were Bill and Emily, and
they were not there at the time. They
were all upset that they hadn't been
part of it.

PLAYBOY: Where were Remiro and Little,
who are doing time for that killing?
HEARST: I was told they were іп a van
waiting for the three others. But they
are not innocent of murder. They were
there as backup.

PLAYBOY: The Harrises have said that
they told you a hundred times that that
was not true, that Remiro and Little
weren't there as backup.

HEARST: [Laughs] And they are so credible
and reliable! For a while, Bill and Emily
Harris got to be more credible than me,
which is incredible!

PLAYBOY: Let's get back to the S.L.A. We
finished discussing the women—would
you say that the S.L.A., as a whole, was
antiwomen, despite the fact that five of
the original eight were women?

HEARST: Yes. They really hated women
with much more passion than they hated
men. They saw successful women work-
ing within the system as bigger pigs than
any head of any corporation. They hated
Jane Fonda because she was too liberal;
she pacified people. And Angela Davis.
Gloria Steinem, boy, they hated her!
When they talked about assassinating
Eyelle Younger [then attorney general of
California}, there was more emphasis on,
“Maybe we could get his wife.”

PLAYBOY: OK, let's move on to Cujo.
HEARST: Yes [heavy sarcasm], the love of
my life.

PLAYBOY: In the book, you seem to go out
of your way to make him look negative.
HEARST: 1 don't have to go out of my way,
you know. (Laughs)

PLAYBOY: At any time throughout your
time with the S. did you and Wolfe
develop a relationship?

Hearst: No. I mean, we developed a
relationship, but not a love relationship.
The relationship was that I was essen-
tially his personal property.

PLAYBOY: In the tape you and the
Harrises made for the media alter
the fire and shootout in L.A., you said,
“Neither Cujo nor I ever loved an indi
vidual the way we loved each other,
probably because our relationship wasn't
based on bourgeois, fucked-up values."
Was that all bullshi
HEARST; Yeah, completely.

PLAYBOY: Did your lawyers ever tell you
that if you admitted to love for Wolfe in
court you'd lose your case for sure?
HEARST: No. No. no, no. They would

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PLAYBOY

never have said something like that.
PLAYBOY. During the trial, when the
prosecutor pressed you about your feel-
ings toward Wolfe, you dramatically
replied, “1 couldn't stand him.” Was that
a triumphant moment for you?

HEARST: That was a pretty good answer
in a good place, I must зау

PLAYBOY: What was Wolfe like?

Hearst: Very nervous, kind of bouncing-
around nervous. He was younger than
all the others. He had the most romantic
notion of being a revolutio: He'd
say things like, he'd be satisfied with just
being a colonel, because that was the
rank that Ché Guevara һай.

PLAYBOY: Lets talk about the Olmec
monkey head Willie gave you. When it
was brought out at your trial that you'd
kept it. the jur ently thought.
it proved you were lying about your
feelings for Willie and convicted you.
When did he give you the Olmec monkey
head?

HEARST: Shortly after the blindfold was
off.

PLAYBOY: What did he tell you about it?
HEARST: He said an archaeologist friend
of his had given it to him and that it
was 2500 years old. I kept it because I
was an art-history major and had a very
strong feeling about destroying things
just because you don't like them. It's like
going through the Vatican and cutting
the penises off all the Greek statues and
putting plaster fig leaves on them.
PLAYBOY: It was hard for the jury to
accept that you kept it strictly because
you thought it was valuable—especially
after Willie was killed.

HEARST: 1 just can't help that it was hard
to accept. I told the lawyers that the
monkey head existed but was pretty well
ignored about it. I didn't think it was
any big deal and it turned out to be an
incredibly big deal The immediate
assumption was that I had lied, that it
wasn't 2500 years old. On the other hand,
nobody bothered to think that maybe
he'd lied about it, that he told a big
story to make it sound like it was more
valuable than it was. I do not totally
trust the Government's little witnesses
who testified it was a dime a dozen, buy
‘em at roadside towns. It's easy enough to
prove that it was old. I have considered
assessing it for my own satisfaction. It
wouldn't surprise me if it was old.

I could have made up a much more

plausible explanation, but the truth is,
that's what it is. A more plausible expla-
nation would be that I was afraid to get
rid of it—which is partially true. I was
asked to produce it on several occasions
PLAYBOY: By whom?
“HEARST: By Bill Harris. He wore a little
fist thing around his neck as a symbol,
and he wanted to see if I still had mi
I assumed he would want me to produce
mine as a symbol of getting in contact,
like a secret code word.

PLAYBOY: How many times did he ask
you to produce it?

Ince, twice.

Did you wear it?

No, I carried it. I wore it until
e killed and then I carried it.
PLAYBOY: All right, 161% move on to the
leader of the SLA., Donald DeFreeze,
better known as Cinque.

HEARST: | was scared to death of him.
Totally. totally terrified of him. But it’s
hard to look back now and figure out
what it was that they saw in him, because
now all the contempt that 1 would nor-
mally have felt is free to surface. He was
really pretty ordinary. I don't know how
much of it was and how much was
them just wanting a black leader and
having one who was willing to lead. He
loved it. He did it happily and didn't
take any back talk from people.

PLAYBOY: Did all three men beat you?
HEARST: 1 can't say beat. Slapped or
punched or knocked down, but not
beaten. Mostly for bad attitude. It ге-
minded me of when І was in jail later
and started meeting lots of prostitutes
the S.L.A. men really reminded me of
the pimps. Fspecially Cinque. When we
talked about not showing disrespect for
our leader, it was just like prostitutes
talking about not being disrespectful
to their pimp.

PLAYBOY: Why weren't there more blacks
in the S.L.A.?

a lot of blacks ask that
question. DeFreeze couldn't find any to
follow him. And he could not handle the
competition of another black man.
PLAYBOY: Wasn't there a rumor that
DeFreeze had been an informant for the
LA. police?

HEARST: I think he was a paid informant.
His crimes were average crimes, they
weren't anything spectacular or revolu-
tionary. He was a two-bit crook. He got
caught on an carlicr charge and started
informing to keep from going to jail.
PLAYBOY: DeFrecze eventually wound up
in prison and was later released. There
were some thcories at the time of your
kidnaping that there might have been
a connection between DeFreezc’s release
and what happened next. Any thoughts
about that?

HEARST: I think I was very much a dis-
traction from what was going on in
Washington. At the time, there was
Watergate and we were losing a Presi-
dent quickly. That's another reason why
people got so emotional and angry about
me. They felt betrayed by the Govern-
ment, by the President—and here J was,
sticking my tongue out at them. It was
just too much. I was a target for а lot of
people who were still mad at their kids
who were hippies in the Sixties. E came
to symbolize a youth rebellion that 1
wasn't even a part of! [Laughs]

PLAYBOY: W! about the conspiracy

theories, though? Do you give any
credence to the idea that the CIA helped
set up the S.L.A. to create the kind of
diversion you're talking about?

HEARST: Well, in the book, 1 kind of
gloss over when 1 say that it was never
really explained to me the way DeFreeze
escaped from prison. But it was very odd.
Не was transferred from one prison to
another. A trustee at the new prison
who had a boilerroom job had been
there for montlis and was taken off work
for no reason at all. DeFreeze is suddenly
put on in his place and escapes that
night. The old trustee is put back on
the job the next day. It sounds a little
suspicious. Ive been in institutions;
they don't do things like that. No one
has ever adequately explained it. It's
improbable enough that it hardly seems
worth worrying about. On the other
hand, it is strange. Plus, he went straight
to Oakland, to Russell Little at the Pe-
king House, and nobody ever went there
to look for him. They never checked his
visiting list to see Little's name on it,
to figure out where he might have gone.
I mean, they could have found him
within 48 hours if they'd looked.
PLAYBOY: So he was double-crossed, you
feel? He served his purpose, news was
made, Nixon was pardoned and the
Government went on?

Hearst: Isn't that what's supposed to
happen to CIA agents in all the movie
plots?

PLAYBOY: It makes for fascinating spec-
ulation. But truly, in your heart, do you
believe such a conspiracy existed?
Hearst: No, I'm afraid that the CIA is
rcally not capable ol such brilliant ploys.
"That's the main hole in the fabric. And
if it were, there wouldn't be all these
Chiles and Bays of Pigs. And it doesn’t
keep quiet about it, either, even if it had
done it. It'd never be able to keep quiet
Somebody would tell. In general, I think
there're plenty of nuts running around,
that you don't need a conspiracy to cause
the death of somebody.

PLAYBOY: Do you feel that way about the
assassination of John Kennedy?

HEARST; That a plot was so brilliantly
put together that nobody been able
to totally expose it? You should talk to
my father. He thinks the Mafia did it
PLAYBOY: Let's go back to that time just
before the S.L.A. interrupted you
Were you living what the S.L.A. would
call a very bourgeois lite?

HEARST: No, it was a very nice life and
most people would love to have a life
like that.

PLAYBOY: Were you sheltered?

Hearst: Yes, but I don't think that's
necessarily bad. Nor that being kid-
naped is exactly the way to bring somc-
one out of her isolation

PLAYBOY: How long had you and Steven
been living together?

HEARST: Two years. It was a really happy
time.

PLAYBOY: That brings up one of the
things that are hard to understand: the
way you completely dropped Steven
Weed after your kidnaping. Did you
think of him much when you were
captured?

HEARST: When I was with the SLA. I
really did not think about him. It's like
a psychological break, too. There was a
lot that I didn't remember about our
life together, what we did, and I still
don't have total recall about that; it
was completely pushed out of my mind
d suppressed. Sometimes, I think I
wouldn't even recognize him if 1 saw
him.

PLAYBOY: Have you ever scen him again?
Hearst: I've never scen him again. He
just passed out of my life. He really
totally drifted out of my mind some
time after the bank robbery, As far as
1 know, he's married and living on
the Peninsula. When 1 was arrested, he
was writing his book, and I saw the
first chapter. It had been typed on my
typewriter. I remember feeling really
annoyed about that because I have
special type face, so I knew he'd used it
I thought, Well, how rude!

PLAYBOY: So now the real story comes
ош: He used your typewriter-
HEARST: And he had all my photo albums.
PLAYBOY: Pictures of which he used in
his book without your consent?

Hearst: "That's right. And I didn't think
that I was subject for a book written by
him.

PLAYBOY: Did your parents have any
influence on the kind of men you dated
HEARST: Only in that they were concerned
that their daughters marry real, manly
men instead of creeps. They decide im-
mediately whether their daughter's beau
is a manly man or not. It's really hard
for some boyfriends to pass the man
liness test.

PLAYBOY: Who was the first of your men
they thought manly?

Hearst: Probably Bernie [Shaw]. None of
the others were manly men.

PLAYBOY: Well, he's a cop

Hearst: Yeah, that's a pretty manly-man
job.

PLAYBOY: What did you hear later about
how your family held up after you were
kidnaped?

Hearst: The family was depressed. When
they'd get these tapes, they'd have to
listen to this guy [Cinque] rant and rave
and they'd just think, Oh, this man
is зо horrible. Poor sister. Then they'd
listen to me and think, Well, ас
least she's still alive. Then afterward,
they'd start joking about what the guy
said. They said my cousin Willie [He
did a mean imitation of Cinque. They
invented this Symbionese "Navy," and
he'd do a whole act about being its
admiral and all.

PLAYBOY: Nice to hear they were able to

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Maintain some humor about i

HEARST: There was lots of humor about
it. I mean, they couldn't help it. The
were so many weird people who came
out of the woodwork. There were these
swamis; then the extortionists who'd
get the house number and call up. My
sister Vicky kept one running from
phone to phone until the FBI narrowed
it down and found him in a phone
booth, still talking to her! [Laughs]
PLAYBOY: During the time you were gone,
your father seemed to have been treated
rather well in the press, didn’t he?
HEARST: Yeah, he was. But my mother
was always treated badly. Even through
their separation and now their divorce,
she's one of those people who get
blamed for “the terrible things she's
doing to Randy." I just don't think it
was that way at all. By the time they
split up, they weren't getting along at
all. They were being destroyed by the
marriage. I think my mother is happier
now than my father is, Definitely.
PLAYBOY: You said some savage things
about your mother on the tapes—even
though you say you were forced to.
HEARST: My mother is one of those people
who everybody likes to attack. It's true.
She got it from the S.L.A. She got it
from me through the S.LA. She got
it from the press. She got it when
she was a [University of California]
regent. It's because she's got very strong
opinions and she'll stand by them. And
she's very conservative. A lot of the press
is very liberal. They just don't like her;
especially during the Sixties at Berkeley,
they hated her.

PLAYBOY: Is she too conservative for you?
HEARST: No. No way.

PLAYBOY: Are you Conservative?

HEARST: I was a liberal before I was kid-
naped. Now I'm pretty conservative.
PLAYBOY: Are you closer to your mother
in temperament, behavior and values
than to your father?

HEARST: Yes. My father has a tendency
to just lose his temper and then expect
people to say, “That's all right." But once
words have been spoken, you can't
take them back. And his brothers do.
too, so it's not like something he just
docs. Somehow, my father comes across
as being really friendly and open, and
my mother as being more straitlaced
and somebody you can insult. But she is
the most charming and witty woman—
you wouldn't think she'd be the target
of insults.

PLAYBOY: You say you can't take back
spoken words; yet when you were
speaking your insults on the tapes, did
you think your parents believed what
you were saying?

HEARST; No, 1 know they didn't. But
yeah, І was afraid that they did.

PLAYBOY: Have you talked with them
much about what happened to you?
HEARST: No. My mother read the manu-

t of my book. My father, I didn't
show it to him at all, any of it. Because
he's overly critical. He'd just look at it
like, "Well. it isn't. finished." So there
was no point in having him rain on my
parade. I haven't even told him about
this interview! -
PLAYBOY: Will it upset him?

HEARST: I hate to think, Well, I thought
that he would be negative enough that
I didn't tell him about it.

PLAYBOY. Haven't your parents been
curious, though, about what happened
to you?

HEARST: Usually when we talk about it,
we focus оп the ridiculousness of it.
That really is the best way to deal with
it. It makes it so much easier, My father
doesn’t really want to ask me about it.
He figures if 1 wanted to talk
Га be telling him. He was really good.
in that way, respecting my feelings. My
mother never asked me questions, either.
It was such a horrible experience lor
them, too.
PLAYBOY: The S.L.

‚ demanded that your
ther help feed the poor and he came
up with an initial $2,000,000, with a
backup promise of $4,000,000 more once
you were released. But when the food
program failed, did you feel that your
life was ov

Yeah, I did. I mean, it d
but I did feel that.

nd it wasn't very long belore
you stopped thinking of you
victim and began conside:
a comrade, was it?
HEARST: You're

about
months. That may have seemed short to
you, but let me tell you, it's a lifetime.
"Time is so relative, especially with what
was going on to me. It was completely
distorted.

talking two

PLAYBOY: Were you pretending when
you said you wanted to join them, or
did you really want to join?

HEARST: It was а conscious act. I didn’t
have to pretend desperately to want
them to say, “Yeah, you can join.” The
appropriate $.L.A. line on my conv
sion was that my parents had been hor-
rible and they were so decadent and 1
was being rescued from this terrible
bourgeois life that £ was leading and
aren't I the lucky one to have been
chosen by them? "That was the approved
story: my terrible mother and fascist
father . , . and if you believe this, maybe
we can interest you in some swampland.
Florida. But people did believe it!
PLAYBOY: Do you feel it took guts to join
the S.L.A.?

HEARST: No. It would have been crazy
not to have joined, because they would
have just killed me. It would take much.
more guts to say, “Never, I'd rather die.”
I'm sorry, I'm a coward. I n't want
to Ше.

PLAYBOY: Under more ordinary circum-
stances, do you consider yourself a

courageous person?
HEARST: Yeah, I suppose. I drive on
these California highways every day!
I'm sitting here doing this interview
[Laughs]
PLAYBOY: When you became Tania, you
must know that it captured the imagina-
tion of a lot of people.
HEARST: Maybe you liked it.
PLAYBOY: Well, she was a symbol of
defiance, “antagonism, liveliness, anti-
establishment at a time when many
people were feeling that way.
HEARST: It amazes me to sit here and hear
you say that it was a lively image. It was
a terribly violent image. И was the result
of a violent kidnaping. For you to say
its a lively, antiesi hment image...
"ania never really existed except as à
fantasy for most people. She existed a
a propaganda tool for the S.L.A. She
was created by them and she lived à
long as they could keep her living.
PLAYBOY: So you sce her in the third
person?
HEARST: Yeah, I do. I look at her and
think, Gosh, how maddening that they
could get me to do that! And it upsets
me; or ГЇЇ just laugh, depending on my
mood. But it's a terrible thing to think
that people can do that to you. And
most people think, They could never do
that to me. Even right now I would say,
“Oh, they could never do that to me
again." But in the back of my mind, I
say, “I don't know if they could or not."
I'm not going to say it could never
happen again. I hope it doesn't.
PLAYBOY: If it сусг did happen aga
if a van stopped in front of you
and someone with a gun said get in—
would you react differently, having gone
through what you've gone through?
HEARST: I wouldn't get in the van. Forget
it. I'd rather be dead. At this point, I've
got to assume I would not live through.
anorher experience like 1 went through.
PLAYBOY: But if you were kidnaped
again?
HEARST: I don't know how I'd behave.
I think I'm much better prepared
i у, and because I've had an
1 thought control, I'm better

inlormed.

PLAYBOY: Were you—
HEARST: [Angrily, referring lo the earlier
exchange] You have a really odd idea
about the $.L.A! Like other people, you
have this romantic notion of what they
are like, that it was all one great adven-
ture! You lived it vicariously and its
just too exciting for you and you can
hardly control yourself, and it's so dis-
turbing to find out that I don't eve
think Tania lived except іп people's
imaginations like yours—and she still
lives in yours!

PLAYBOY: You're getting mad—is that a
hint of the angry Tania the rest of из
saw, and you say never existed?

HEARST: There's no part of Tania that

PLAYBOY

you saw except what the S.L.A. invented.
That’s what you saw. It was а total
ion. And while you saw а photo-
person with the machine
gun, the rest of the time what you didn't.
see was me sort of being weepy and
meek and not strong or angry at all.
Listen to the tapes again; 1 don't think.
they're that tough and angry. I'm read-
ing a script. Shoot, I can do that. They
were rehearsed!
PLAYBOY: Were you brainwashed?
HEARST: Yeah, if that’s what you call the
process that happened. Coercively per-
suaded, brainwashed . . . yeah, I was!
By brainwashed, I mean 1 was incapable
of making rational decisions on my own.
І was not in control of myself, in spite
of the fact that you probably could have
come in and seen me and talked to me
and said, “Wow, she seems OK, just got
some crazy ideas." But I didn't start out
with crazy ideas.
PLAYBOY: Did you start out by thinking
you were fooling them into thinking you
believed as they did?
HEARST: Sure. I thought for a Iong time
that I was fooling them and leading
them on, but somewhere along the linc
I got lost. I got confused and lost and
caught up with what they were d.
I lost complete touch with reality. My
reality became their reality.
PLAYBOY: Shortly after you joined them,
you were caught up in а bank robbery.
Were you threatened by the S.L.A. be-
fore joining in the robber
HEARST: They said if I didn't do it, they'd
kill me. And if I didn't do it the way
they wanted it done. I did my best, but
I still didn't do everything right.
PLAYBOY: You mean you didn’t say all
that they had wanted you to say?
HEARST: Yes. But I did well enough. Who
are you to criticize? [Laughs] They
thought it was OR!
PLAYBOY: Were you all clated after it
маз over?
HEARST: They were positively giddy after-
ward. I was so relieved. They felt that
once again, people were зесіпр the
people's force as victorious in an action
against the Government, because the
bank is insured by the Federal Gover
ment. Therefore, they were attacking a
Federal institution.
PLAYBOY: Was the real purpose of the
robbery to get money or to show you off?
HEARST: It was a dual purpose. They
deliberately picked a bank with a camera
so that I would be photographed, That
was absolutely part of the plan.
PLAYBOY: And there was ап irony in-
volved, as the head of that bank was
your best friend's, Trish Tobin's, father.
Have you ever found out how he felt
about it?
HEARST: He was not at all pleased with
the FBI's handling of it. The still photo-
graphs that were taken in the bank were

put together and made into a movie.
‘There were only two copies of that. He
had one and the FBI had the other. He
turned on the TV and there was this
film running, and it didn't come from
him. That's the way these Federal agents
seem to operate; they just run to the
pres: “Lookce, lookee, lookee what
we've got
PLAYBOY: Why do you suppose the FBI
does that?

HEARST: Just to show they're on the job.
Nothing else was happening in my case.
They weren't finding me.

PLAYBOY: Do you trust the FBI toda:
HEARST: No, I do not trust them. I think
they're just pathological liars; they can't
control themselves. Police don't trust the
FBI, either. The FBI just sort of loses
touch with reality. I don't know what
happens to them. They're under dimin-
ished capacity [laughs] . .. or coerced
persuasion.

PLAYBOY: And at the time you were with
the S.L.A 2

HEARST: Well, the FBI was really the
center of all of the paranoia. According
to the S.LA., the FBI tapped phones;
the FBI was looking at you through your

“T thought for a long time
I was fooling them and
leading them on, but
somewhere along the line
I got lost.”

TV screen. I mean, the FBI could do
anything.

PLAYBOY: At some point, you became the
S.L.A.’s weapons expert, didn't you?
HEARST: Yeah, I was great. J knew about
all their guns. They were so busy saying,
“You're so stupid. Study this. Read this
weapons manual. Learn how to break
this gun down.” By the time they got
through, I did know all about guns.
PLAYBOY: But hadn't you been around
guns all your life?

HEARST: I went hunting once with шу
father when I was around 12. It was a
.28-gauge shotgun, a little bitty thing.
We went duck shooting. A .28 gauge is
very small. Twelve gauge is what most
people shoot. There were always guns
in the house, always loaded, and we
knew father would kill us if we touched
those guns. We never went near them,
but they were no big secret or hidden.
We had a collection on the wall, and my
father had a gun in his bedside table
closet and hunting guns
all around the hou:
PLAYBOY: When Cinque moved you all
down to L-A. and made you a member
of a team with Bill and Emily Harris,

you had a chance to use the weapons.
We're thinking of the incident at Mel's
Sporting Goods, when you protected the
Harrises by firing an automatic weapon
over their heads. How did you know
where you were shooting?

HEARST: I didn't. That's why it ended up

leaping out of my hands. At the $.L.A.
gun lessons, they practiced crouching
and swinging the gun and pointing it,
and claimed it didn’t kick at all, But
it's very different when you actually fire
it. The thing just went leaping out of
my hands.

ich means you could have
the bystanders—on the
Harrises when they ran out of the store.
- Yeah.

you were shooting?
HEARST: It was more like moving in a
dream, not even thinking about it. 1
remember it happening almost in slow
motion. I look up and there's Bill
Harris on the ground and Emily Har-
ris looking down at him, and them both
looking back over at the van [pauses],
looking back toward the van . . . and
then me,

PLAYBOY: Did your eyes make contact?
HEARST: No. they were just looking over
at the van. Then 1 picked up the рип...
first the automatic weapon, because that
had the most firepower. then the semi.
automatic, because that was faster than
putting а new clip into the automatic.
And then they were back at the c;
PLAYBOY: You left out the shooting part.
HEARST: I just remember it sort of
jumping out of my hands and slamming
bullets into the center divider, іп the
concrete . . . then 1 lifted it up higher -
І was just trying to hold on to the gui
I wasn’t thinking, I've got to kill these
people so the Harrises can get away. It
was like, I must fire over their heads to
give them cover. I don't really remember
people around me.

PLAYBOY: Had you not opened fire at
Mel's, Шеге might not һауе been that
shoot-out with the police. The Harrises
would have been caught for shoplifting
and the rest of the S.L.A. could have
been traced. Isn't that tue?

HEARST: Right. I definitely think that
was a real breaking point emotionally ~
for me. too. It was like. snap. Every-
thing that they'd ever told me had
dicked into place at that point.

PLAYBOY: And afterward?

HEARST: My life was over then, as far
as ever coming back. Until that point, 1
thought maybe, somehow, I would es-
cape, but it was getting dimmer
dimmer. But at that point, it was over.
PLAYBOY: But before you fired, you w
in the van alone. The Harrises were
in Mel's and you might have just driven
off. We keep coming back to what you
could have done to escape.
HEARST: Yeah, I know. Ir’

and

really hard

to understand. 1 was totally under their
control.

PLAYBOY: You repeatedly say in your
book that you feared and hated the
Harrises, yet, at a moment of truth-
HEARST: І saved them! Didn't even have
to think! Just saw what was happening.
picked up the gun, fired. It was like a
reflex. Training took over. Bang! I did
it. And the next thing I know, we're olf
commandeering vehicles and running
around LA. and kidnaping this kid
d this man, and racing down to Ana-
heim to watch everybody get killed on
television.

PLAYBOY: Before we get to that shoot-oi
there's a point here we should take up.
You've indicated that your life was in
the 5.1.А.5 hands, so you were ready to
do anything they asked of you. Including
killing someone to protect your com-
rades. Do you feel you have a moral
sponsibility not to take an innocent life,
even if it means sacrificing your own?
HEARST: Well, I'm sure glad I've never
faced that one! [Nervous laugh]

PLAYBOY: You came close to facing it.
HEARST: Maybe there is a responsibility.
І guess. Sure . . . ГІН say right now, yes,
there is.

PLAYBOY: Let's not be facetiou:

HEARST: [Laughs again] Let's be realistic.
That is a moral dilemma. What do
you do?

PLAYBOY: You give the impression yon
would have obeyed them.

Hearst: I don't think that’s the case.
PLAYBOY: You say in your book, "In try
ing to convince them, 1 convinced my-
self. I felt that I had truly joined them.
My past life seemed to have slipped
away.” You told us that joining them
was а “conscious act.” You were not pre-
tending then. You became a believer.
HEARST: I became as much of a believer
as I was capable of becoming. But you're
talking about someone who really has
no defenses, no free will anymore. That's

PLAYBOY: What is that?

HEARST: It's the technical name for what
happened to me, what everyone calls
brainwashing. It is a phenomenon that
does exist.

PLAYBOY: And, in your case, the phenom-
enon wasn't believed by the jury.

Hearst: The trial was a big mass of con-
fusion, because what the jury was pre-
sented with was just so much junk. And
I just can't talk about it; I'm under a
gag order not to.

PLAYBOY: You've written that before the
A. accepted. you, each member inter-
rogated you, and you filled them with
blatant and preposterous statements that
they believed.

HEARST: Yes, I did. They loved it.
Р1АҮВОҮ: Now, were you that much
smarter than they all were that you
could do that?

HEARST: No, I wasn't. That's the thing.
І thought I was doing everything just
right and really kidding them. And I
was getting——

PLAYBOY: Getting caught up in it? Then
at all times in the S.L.A., you did know
what you were doing? You knew you were
robbing a bank. You knew you were
firing an automatic weapon. You knew
you were making a tape. It wasn't like
you were in a fog.

HEARST: Oh, no, it wasn't like I was in a
fog and didn't know what was happen-
ing. At the same time, mentally and.
emotionally, I was not fully in control
of myself.

PLAYBOY: But you felt that you must stay
alive above all else, even if it meant
killing other people-
HEARST: No! Killing other people did not
enter into it for me, and that was not
anything that I ever had to do or face.
PLAYBOY: But what if you had hit somc-
body at Mel's? Killing other people was
a very strong possibility th
HEARST: Not in my mind! Not in my
mind! If they said, "Shoot this person,”
I don't believe I could have done that. It

“I think the Government
went overboard in burning
down the house....

But you don’t see me
crying about it.”
————

never came ир.
PLAYBOY: It came close, though.

HEARST: When did it come close?

PLAYBOY: At Mel's.

HEARST: It didn't come close at Mel's.
PLAYBOY: You shot above people and
below them.

Hearst: That's right.

PLAYBOY: That’s close, Patty.

HEARST: There was never a thought of
Kill or be killed, though. Never!

PLAYBOY: All right, we're not going to
resolve this here. Let's go on to what was

referred to as that barbecue in Los
Angeles, the fiery shoot-out.
HEARST: Barbecue! My sisters all called

them crispy critters.

PLAYBOY: You were in a motel room in
Anaheim when you saw. on TV, the
house—and your comrades—being in-
cinerated. Hadn't the S.L.A. predicted
that was the way they would diez

HEARST: Yeah. It was exactly what they
said would happen. Every time some-
thing they predicted happened, it helped
me believe them. They said a warrant
would be issued for me after the bank
robbery; they said the police would
shoot up the house without worrying if

I was in there. Yeah. it helped make
their reality my realit
what they said was reality that it became
difficult to sort out what was real from
what wasn't.

PLAYBOY: After the shoot-out, did it sink
in that they were all dead?

HEARST: Somehow, in my mind, it
wouldn't have surprised me to have run
into them on the street. It really wasn't
until 1 saw that thing that Willie Wolfe
wore around his neck that I knew, once
and for all, they were all dead. Com-
pletely, totally, here is the е
they are gone
PLAYBOY: Do you feel they deserved to
di
HEARST: I really do. In fact, that may be
too good for them. [Laughs] They de-
served to die the death of 10,000 screams
for what they'd done.

PLAYBOY: Do you cquate kidnaping with
loss of life?

HEARST: I'm really for the death penalty
for kidnaping people. It’s purely per-
sonal. My personal reaction is, yeah,
they deserved to dic. Because you could
never change people like that. Never.
PLAYBOY: You don't think the FBI and
the SWAT teams and the other police
overreacted in destroying the house as
well as those le?

HEARST: I think the Government went
overboard i ng down the house. It
was a little too . . . spectacular. But I
think that they asked to die. That they
chose to die. I don't, think that was
necessarily the proper way for it to
happen. The Government could have
held out, tried isolating and talking to
them. How long was their ammunition
going to last? In other countries, they
talk to them, тип a phone line in, ne-
ventually, people break down.
I think that the FBI reacted incorrect-
ly. But you don't see me crying about it.
What the heck, I can be generous about
it. [Laughs] Fm not gonna change any-
thing!

PLAYBOY: Do you think it would li
made any difference had you been in
that hou:
HEARST: I bet if I'd been there, I would
have been brought out with a gun to my
head, and none of them would have been
killed. They would have asked for a
planc to who knows where. E don't think
they would have just started firing hope-
lessly. Because there was no hope of their
escaping when they took their stand in
that house.

Р1АҮВОҮ: After that shoot-out, you, Bill
and Emily returned to the Bay Area and
met radical sportswriter Jack Scott, who
quickly convinced you to head сам. How
did you all come to trust Scott?

Hearst: Bill had no choice but to trust
Jack Scott, because he seemed to have
money and a way of getting everybody

burn

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PLAYBOY

out of the area where we were being
hunted.

PLAYBOY: What was your impression of
Scott?

HEARST: Kind of a game player. He had
taken Wendy Yoshimura across country
and she was a radical. He liked to play
sort of a dangerous game of being the
underground railroad for the radicals.
He really thought that that was an excit-
ing position to be in. Because he had
control then, but he wasn't really in-
volved. A strange man.

PLAYBOY: Whom did you fear more dur-
ing that “missing year,” the police or
the Harrises?

HEARST: І was afraid of the FBI and the
police even more than of the Harrises
105 like the devil you know versus the
devil you don't know, And they needed
me to establish themselves and their
credibility as the SL.A. They could say,
"Sce, we really are the S.L.A.; here's
Tania.” Otherwise, nobody knew who
they were.
PLAYBOY: Were you happi
yourself or with the Harrise
HEARST: I felt safer with them than by
myself. I was terrified by myself. V
them, they would take care of me, in
spite of the fact that they were horrible.

PLAYBOY: Throughout those long months,
Bill and Emily were often fighting with
cach other. At the apartment on Walnut
Street, you say that Emily refused sex
with Bill nightly, but you never did.
Why couldn't you have?

HEARST: Why couldn't I have? This is the
whole thing... I was not capable of it.
1 understand the puzzlement, but that
doesn’t mean Гап any better at explain-
ing it. They were as compelling to me as
DeFreeze; they were the leadership of
the S.L.A. You know, why couldn't I
have turned myself in? They were gone
all day; surely it would have been just as
easy to do that. I was a total zombie. I
couldn't do anything. 1 couldn't walk
out the door. It’s really ummy to think
about that.

PLAYBOY: The astonishment in a lot of
peoples minds is that you never once
adc an attempt to escape during that
missing year. You never even thought
about it. Didn't you ever wonder about
your parents, your sisters and your
friends? Didn't you even consider calling
to say you were still alive?

HEARST: When I did have a thought like
that, I would just put it out of my mind.
‘That was а bad thought to hav nd I
actively kept myself from thinking bad

т to be by

thoughts. I shouldn't even be consider-
ing it. As far as escaping goes, in my

mind, it would have been like saying,
“Now I'll commit suicide.” Because I
really thought 1 was going to be killed
any second by the police. There was no
escape!

PLAYBOY: After your return from Pennsyl-
you joined with S.L.A. sympa-
and participated in a second bank

robbery, though you stayed outside thi
ne. But you were, nonetheless, con-
victed for it later. Another participant
in that robbery, Steven Soliah, like your-
self, also stayed outside the bank. But
at his trial, he got off because the Govern-
ment insisted he inside and he
proved he wasn't. When you heard he
was found not guilty, were you shocked?
HEARST: I really was. I was upset. And
I started crying. I just couldn't believe
it. It’s outrageous that the Government
falsified the evidence against Steven
Soliah, They could have convicted him,
but they insisted on putting him in the
bank and he just plain wasn’t there. If
they had used me as a witness, they
could have put him away. They could
have tried the Harrises, too.

PLAYBOY: But you were being tried at the.
time, so you were not a credible witness.
Hearst: That's right. They were too busy
trying me. I was worth more to th
in terms of headlines as a defendant
than as a witness They believed. me
enough to gather evidence from every-
thing I told them, and they did. But to
use me as a witness, they would have to
publicly admit that, yes, 1 was credible.
You can't say that you believe somebody
publicly and then turn around and try
her, too.

PLAYBOY: Why would they fahily evi-
dence against Soliah?

HEARST: Because they had somebody else
who looked lil i inside. So
they thought. J
the defense produced the man he
mistaken for, so Soliah was acquitted.
PLAYBOY: When you were finally caught.
the picture that was scen around the
world was of you raising a clenched fist.
Why the gesture

was

HEARST: When I raised my clenched fist,
all 1 was thinking about was pictures of

[Weatherman] Susan Saxe. I remember it
so clearly, pictures of her when she was
captured. And that's not a rational per-
son's reason for doing something like
that. [Laughs] 1 wish I could think of
а better reason for why 1 did it, some-
thing that would sound sensible, but
there's no sensible reason.

PLAYBOY: Not сусп some sense of defiant
pride?

HEARST: No.

PLAYBOY: Once in jail, did you tell Trish
Tobin that you'd speak only from a
radical-feminist point of view?

HEARST: How embarrassing! [Laughs] 1
don't believe in radical feminism. I bar
ly support the E.R.A. In fact, I really
don't.

PLAYBOY: Why not?

HEARST; What I don't like about the
E.R.A. is that there will be cases in court
for years, because it's a poor piece of

you'll then get cases
go to bed with nry duck and they won't
let me be a school-crossing guard and

it's not fair, because they're discriminat-
ing against пи
PLAYBOY: Aren't you being a bit extreme
here?

HEARST: You haye to look at the extreme
because you know it’s gonna be in court
forever. I realize this is a terribly un
popular thing to say. It's trés chic to
be pro-F.R.A.

PLAYBOY: Your mother didn’t, by any
chance, convince you of this?

HEARST: Oh, yeah, she did.

PLAYBOY: Are we blaming your mother
again?

HEARST: I'm not blaming my mother. I'm
thanking my mother! [Laughs|

PLAYBOY: You know, some might say this
is another example of your b highly
suggestible—ranging from joining the
S.L.A. to using sex with ducks as а
reason to kill the E.R.A.

HEARST: Changing your mind on the
Equal Rights Amendment can hardly be
equated with joining the S.L.A.! You'll
get letters from women on that one!
[Laughs] Irs really unfair to say that
you can't change your mind and think
that you were wrong about what you
thought. You're saying that my mother
got hold of me and twisted my normal
thought process. No, she simply brought
p another point and made me think
some more about it, and 1 changed my
mind. My poor mother! What would
you have said if ГА told you it was my
father who convinced me?

PLAYBOY: The same thing.

HEARST: You would not have. You hate
my mother! [Laughs]
PLAYBOY: We would
суеп harder, suggesting that men have
unduly influenced you all your life
Steven Weed, the three S.L.
Steven Soliah, your lawyers F. Lee
and Al Johnson, all the psychi
Your mother might actually be
ration [rom a psychological point of
view.

HEARST: Aberration! [Laughing] You're
calling my mother an aberration? How
unfair to t people can't think
more about something and then change
their minds, My mother’s not the only
person in this world who thinks that
there's something wrong with the E.R.A.
I can't help it. What can I say? [Sarcas-
lic] X guess Гап just too uptight to face
it and deal with it! So much worse stuff
has happened to mc in my Шс, who
cares?

PLAYBOY: All right. When you were cap-
tured, you were defiant and aggressive.
But after the doctors and the lawyers got
through with you, you seemed subdued,
passive, almost a zombie. Was it a case
of reverse brainwashing?

HEARST: Deprograming? I don’t think
І needed deprograming as much as I
needed to be away from the Harrises.
The more [ talked to the psychiatrists,
I just started breaking down. I started

ve pushed you

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PLAYBOY

realizing that I was terribly confused.
More confused than I was able to admit
to myself for a long, long time. It took
a couple of years before I was really able
to admit to myself that, yes, these people
did a real number on me and it hap-
pened. But my reaction alterward was
like, “Хо, no, they didn't do that to ше!
It was almost better to think that 1
had willingly, happily joined them than
to think that they had been able to play
with my mind.

PLAYBOY: Aside from the notoriety of
your case, why do you think the psy-
chiatrists were so fascinated with you?
HEARST: Because for the first е they
were getting a victim of coercive per-
suasion and sensory deprivation where
it wasn't the result of the Chinese or
something—it was domestic terrorists.
They don't get to see a whole lot of that.
PLAYBOY: One point many psychologists
have made is that you will never be the
person you were before your kidnaping.
‘That, in essence, you're really three
different people.

HEARST: I think that's true. But I never
got a chance to really become the first

person, either, because I was so young
when this was happening. I was just
becoming.

PLAYBOY: You never had a chance to

become Mrs. Weed.

HEARST: Yeah, whoever she would have
been. Nineteen is hardly the age where
you're fully developed—you're fishing
around, experimenting, trying to become
your individual self. And the second
person was a zombie. So this third
person that I am, I’m sure it's very dif-
ferent from what I would have becom
PLAYBOY: And how do you think people
perceive you now?

HEARST: As this person who everybody
told what to do. "Oh, her lawyers tell
her what to do, her husband does. She'd
never be doing anything on her own.
She's not capable of any independent

PLAYBOY: Do you think that perception
is shared by some of the people who
are important to your future—for ex-
ample, your father or the Hearst Corpo-
ration? Do you, in fact, have a future in
the family business?

HEARST: I doubt it. Right now, it doesn't
appear that the Hearst family has much
to do with the corporation. I don't see a
place for me. Nor for my relatives who
have worked for it for years. There are
many family members who would like to
be in positions of authority and that is
not happening. No family member is |
ing trained to learn the busine:

le-
quately to be able to run it one day. My
father and I had an argument about it
the other night. I bring up that we'd like
to be brought into the company and
groomed, so we can one day have posi-

tions of power, and his response is,
“Well, who do you think’s going to take
over now? Willic? You want him to

run the company?" I tell him, “That's
not what we're saying. We don't want
him to run the company right now. But
do you think that he's bright enough to
learn the job? That's the question. Do
you really think any of us are bright
enough?" And I don't think they do!
LAYBOY: But if you could, you'd be
terested in taking over the Hearst
Corporation?

HEARST: Right, I would be interested. But
it's not going to happen. I'm quite
confident from talking to my father that
there's just no way. My sisters and cous-
ins hold no positions of any responsi-
bility.

So you think they're viewed as
1с?

HEARST: Yeah, maybe that's part of it.
And it’s unfair.

PLAYBOY: Do you think you'd be fully
accepted into the family structure today,
or are you the black sheep?

HEARST: I probably would be more ac-
cepted than many of the other Hearsts,
because I tend to think logically and I
will listen to the advice of people.
PLAYBOY: The medi; ve likened you to
your grandfather William Randolph
Hearst іп certain ways. Do you think
you might be closest to him?

HEARST: That's just people's fantasy. I
don't know what he was like, except that
he lived in a great big house stuck on a
hill in the middle of nowhere.

PLAYBOY: Did you grow up with stories
about him? Was thc book Citizen Hearst.
widely read?

HEARST: He was sort of a taboo subject.
That whole thing with Marion Davies.
My father and mother didn’t like
it. When that book came out, my sister
Anne got it for my father for a Christ-
mas present. And he was so mad! “How
could she do such a thing?" he said.
"What would ever possess her? She's so
strange!” I was surprised that he reacted
that way-

PLAYBOY: Why do you think you were
really tried?

HEARST: Р! ly for being a “bad girl.”
That was the main thing. We're getting
into the gag order here, but I will say
that far from my feeling any guilt, I think
the Government should feel guilty for
what happened, since they could have
prevented the kidnaping in the first
place. Why should I have this guilt put
on me? If they had warned me right in
the beginning, none of this would ever
have happened.

PLAYBOY: Are you talking about the
S.L.A. hit list, which the ЕБІ knew about
before you were kidnaped?

but they have some respo
in this whole thing. If they had contacted
me or my parents, ] would have been
out of that apartment in Berkeley and
back home so fast. . . .

PLAYBOY: Do you really think you'd һауе
taken it seriously?

HEARST: Wait a minute! We're not talk-
ing about being on just anybody's hit
list, were talking about people who had
just killed the superintendent of schools
and critically injured his assistant. Two
people had just been arrested with a
bunch of guns and literature. It wasn’t
just somebody who said he was going
to kidnap you; it was people who had
already murdered.

PLAYBOY: Why do you think the jury
voted you guilty?

HEARST: I really thought we could have
won the case until the final argument.
The prosecution had to prove reasonable
doubt. Is it reasonable to assume that
somebody who has been locked in a
closet for 57 days after being kidnaped,
brutalized, raped, abused, then they sa’
"You're going to rob a bank now"—is it
reasonable to assume that that person
had free will?

PLAYBOY: Reasonable doubt came іп
afterward, once they had the pictures of
you in the bank, your taped messages,
your handwritten account, the Olmec
monkey head.

HEARST: Well, | disagree. We had vii
tually no closing argument. They had a
very good, proper closing argument,
point by point by point, and we had
something that just didn't say anything
about reasonable doubt. Just sort ol,
“Gee, don't convict her.” "That's why I'm
back in court right now, because I fecl
the case should never have been lost,
ever. And it's incredible that it was lost.
When the second U. S. Attorney came to
talk to me, he just plain couldn't believe
it. And I have my own ideas on how
they lost it, and I can tell you more off
the record, but I'm not at liberty to talk
about it openly.

PLAYBOY: When you turned evidence
against a lot of the underground people
you met during your time as a fugitive,
did you think it would get you a lighter
sentence?

HEARST: I did not. I thought 1 was per-
forming my civic duty. I thought they
would prosecute those people, but they
never did. There was never any promise
of any kind, like, “This will get you a
lighter sentence, honey, if you just sing.”
In fact, they always assured me that was
not the case.

PLAYBOY: And except for your eventual
commutation by President Carter, your
sentence was not light. Are there any
causes worth taking up from your prison
experience?

HEARST: Drugs. It’s so bad. It's behind
almost every single crime іп prison.
Everything is drug related—whether it
prostitution or forgery or bank robbery
or smuggling, it all seems to boil down
to, if they didn't want the drugs, they
wouldn’t be in there. And most of them
are addicts themselves. It's by far the

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PLAYBOY

major cause of these crimes. I saw some-
опе O.D. on cocaine. Blue. She was the
color of your jeans.

PLAYBOY: Did you get a lot of threatening
mail in prison?

HEARST: Oh, God. all the time.

PLAYBOY: Charles Manson supposedly
wrote you, right?

HEARST: Al Johnson kept the postcard. It
started out, “You write me.” Everything
was spelled wrong. Apparently, he is
really very illiterate. He said he would
help me, but I would have to do every-
thing he said. Then I got letters from
Sandra Good and Squeaky Fromme, who
were in the same prison with me, saying
Charlie was really a beautiful person,
and they sent me some drawings that
Charlie had done.

PLAYBOY. What was it you called those
two women?

HEARST: Pencil-necked geeks. They werc
the kind of people you just never turned
your back on. I never trusted then
were kind of scary, but 1 was ki
scary, too. They are about my size, with
Xs carved into their forchi . They
have terrible reputations. On the other
hand, I had a horrible reputation, too.
For all they knew, I could have been
crazier than them, so it was to my ad-
vantage to act crazy, and around them 1
always did.

PLAYBOY: After the Harrises pleaded
guilty, you found a dead rat on your
bed, d you?

HEARST: Yeah. Stinky old dead
moved me upstairs after that
PLAYBOY: And then your lung collapsed.
HEARST: That was very serious. It took
them two hours to get me to the hos-
pital! By that time, I had gone into
trauma and my heart was moving over
and the other lung was in danger of
collapsing. My mom was so mad, she
could hardly control herself. They
couldn't believe 1 could live this long
and then е them almost kill me in
jail by fiddling around for two hours. E
"was extremely depressed after that.
PLAYBOY: But still, you obviously have а
strong will to live.

HEARST: Uh-huh. ] don't fecl suicide is
the only honorable way out. But 1 think
it's the only honorable way out for the
Harrises. How's that?

PLAYBOY: You cert:
them. But they'll probably rebut your
charges here and in your book.

HEARST: So what? Do you really think
that what they say is gonna be p
attention to? Of course they're gonna
disagree. What do you think ly
Harris is gonna say when I say she killed
somebody? She'll probably say 1 did
OK, fine. Go ahead.

PLAYBOY: In retrospect, can you find any
good that came of your kidnaping?
HEARST: I prefer to take the good out of
experiences, no matter how rotten they

They

ly have it in for

100 are. I'm one of those people who thought

nothing could ever happen to her hitch-
hiking, so once 1 was hitchhiking as a
teenager and I got picked up by some-
body who I thought was perfectly nor-
mal. He was a weirdo who liked to
masturbate while he drove girls around.
: What good came of that?

I learned never to hitchhike

[Laughs)

PLAYBOY: You certainly don't seem ter-
ribly scarred from your experiences with
the S.L.A.

» Гуе come through them re-
markably well.

PLAYBOY: Do you see it as a miracle that
you're still alive?

HEARST: Oh, yeah. I don't know what а
bookmaker would say to those odds: To
be kidnaped, to survive the shootout,
to have gone through all the months
with them, to be arrested on top of that.
to spend the time I spent in prison. and
still be alive after all of that—I would
say the odds were incredibly against me.
PLAYBOY: And to marry your bodyguard
as well—no sense taking chances with.
your future. Don't you and Bernie often
go hunting together?

HEARST: We go down to the ranch at
Simeon.

PLAYBOY: How big is the ranch?
HEARST: About 70- or 80-thousand acres.
PLAYBOY: What do you shoot there, boar?
HEARST: Oh, yeah. lots of pigs.
shot a 600-pound boar there. They
big, But we cat everything we shoot.
People who have never gone hunting
have a tendency to look down on hunters
and act е theyre killing Bambi's
father. Their argument is it’s not much
of a sport. You've got a rifle with a scope
and the deer is just standing there. Well,
the deer is not just standing there.
You're very lucky if the deer is just
standing there.

PLAYBOY: Why not just buy st
HEARST: Deer are not that easy to shoot.
I keep tying to get Bernie to go duck-
hunting.
PLAYBOY: You m
Donald Duck?
HEARST: Donald Duck, Daffy Duck.
People never think of hunters as being
ionists. Hunters are some of the
biggest со onists, because they
want to be sure there's enough wildlife
ind——
PLAYBOY: For Ше!
would you feel sa g
HEARST: Oh . .. maybe you. 1 wouldn't
be the only one! Every hunter will think
Tm right. They'll think. Boy. what а
jerk she is to talk to this guy! You
probably think that guns should be
outlawed.
PLAYBOY: That ide:
HEARST: Ohhh, ugh!

PLAYBOY: Do you keep loaded guns іп
your house?

HEARST: Oh. yes, of course.

PLAYBOY: If an intruder entered, would
you use them?

ant to shoot

ап you

to kill
fied shoot

What else
=

has its appeal.

HEARST: In a second.

PLAYBOY: Would you say this sclf-confi-
dence is one of the positive aspects of
your S.L. A. experience?

HEARST: Yes. 1 used to be really, really
shy, like, hardly-able-to-speak shy. And 1
just can't be that way anymore.

PLAYBOY: You certainly can't be shy when
you're plugging a book.

HEARST: It is exciting to have a book out.
It scems kind of amazing.

PLAYBOY: What are you reading yourself
these days?

HEARST: Well, 1 hate to say it, but the
last book I read was Miss Pigey's Guide
10 Life.

PLAYBOY: Stimulating. What about maga-
vines?

HEARST: I read Time and Good House
keeping and House Beautiful, Cos.
mopolitan, Connoisseur, Antiques and
People. Y read eLAvBoy: we get it only
lor the icles. [Laughs] And Bernie
gets Karate or Black Belt
PLAYBOY: How about movies?
HEARST: I liked Star Wars. 1 loved The
Muppet Movie. Movies 1 can see five or
six times, because I always forget them.
And 1 enjoy them just as much the fifth
time as I did the first.
PLAYBOY: Do you think
movie from your book?
HEARST: People have written to ask about
selling the movie rights. My lawyer has
those letters. When it i e, ГІ take
appropriate steps.

PLAYBOY: ОК, we're about done. With
the book out, and your life ahead of
you, have you ever considered doing
occasional TV comme As an ex-
pert on terrorism? ABC could bring you
in during a crisis, saying. “АШ right,
Patricia, they're bombing this building,
what do you think is going to happen’
HEARST: That's а veal funny one. What а
strange idea! You know, you're not that
far off base, They had [former FBI in-
vestigator] Charles Bates doing that for
a while. Every time there was a terrorist
bombing, they'd roll out Charles Bates
and ask him, "Now, Charles. what's
going on here?” “Well, you know.
ummm, when I was on the Hearst
we did it this way.” [Laughs] 1 t
Га rather be on the cover of PLaysoy.
PLAYBOY: All th ü
'ewsweek weren't
HEARST: Are you kidding? Any old jerk
like the Ayatollah or Charles Manson,
gets on the cover of Time. Big deal.
PLAYBOY: Joking aside, is this the end of
your могу? And so she lived happily
ever after? You have your marriage, your
child, your house, your book. There
really is a happy ending?

HEARST: You never know if you've got а
happy ending until you finally die. I
ess nobody's life has a happy ending
if you look at it that way.

there'll be a

WHAT SORT OF MAN READS PLAYBOY?

He dedicates himself to the right word and the whole woman. He knows that all the
complications from introduction to climax can best be resolved using novel ideas. He reads
PLAYBOY because he can find many such ideas in the magazine that is chosen by more
American men than any other. Long ago, he learned the value of a touching denoue-
ment. So this is the way that the evening will end: not with a bang but a whisper.

ТНЕ
TROUBLE
WITH

GUNS

despite the shooting of president reagan, john lennon and thousands more
lo come, there'll be no effective control of firearms. here's why

opinion By WILLIAM J. HELMER

rirst орг, let's try to understand three
things:

1. Nobody, but nobody, is against con-
wolling guns. Not the National Rifle
Association, not firearms dealers and
manufacturers, not collectors and hunt-
crs, not even armed robbers, who don't
want to get shot by some loony any more
than the next person. But gun control
become a catch phrase, like right-to-
life, that now translates as banning and
decorates the banners of opposing armies
їп а cultural holy war.

2. Prohibition is the polar opposite
of regulation, as with booze in the Twen-
the Seventies and
marijuana today. So let's not talk about
ng the private ownership of hand-
guns, say, and call it gun control.

3. Not every attempt to regulate the
purchase and possession of deadly weap
ons is a sinister plot by blecding-heart
knee-jerk effete liberoid do-gooders to
disarm law-abiding citizens and wreck
the sport of hunting.

Continuing confusion on those three
points is the main reason there are more
Federal, state and local gun laws in this
country than in all the rest of the world
but іше effective gun control The
zealots on both sides of the gun contro-
versy go at one another like dogs on a
rag, tugging and snarling, dedicated
solely to vanquishing the foe. Reformers
approach this complex social problem

102 with all the subtlety and sophistication

of redneck preachers trying to stamp out
sin, while the gun bufls have always г
sponded to the legitimate needs of an
increasingly urbanized society with the
cooperative spirit and enlightened self-
interest of a great rock being eroded by
waves. One might say that on the subject
of control, the gun nuts and the antigun
nuts have always had (in the immortal
words of Cool Hand Luke, just before
he took a bullet in the neck) a failure
to communicate.

I started examining this problem in
1968, after a book, several articles and
some other spurious credentials landed
me a job in Washington, D.C., with the
National Commission on the Causes and
Prevention of Violence. That was an
excellent commission, except in the ares
of fircarms violencc. After many months.
and I don't know how much money, it
managed to prove beyond the shadow
of a doubt that:

1. Guns, when fired, are more deadly
than knives.

2 People who own guns are more
likely to misuse guns than people who
do not own guns.

‘The ergo of ihose discoveries was that
all firearms be registered and all hand-
guns banned—recommendations that set
true gun control back a good many year:
and sold а few extra million pistols and
revolvers.

The trouble here was simply that the
lawyers and scholars who work on such
commissions tend to be urban intellec
tuals who may grudgingly concede that

ILLUSTRATION BY KATHY CALDERWOOD,

5, gun collecting and target shoot
ge numbers of simple-

t generally kill
people, but their mental image of a fi
arm is that of a deadly weapon in the
hands of a right-wing crackpot or a wild-
eyed psychopathic punk. These folks
have the of firearms that
some people have of snakes, and they see
the same connection between guns and
crime that others see between prostitu-
nd crime or pornography and rape.
Guns and sex have at least that much in
common: They freak people out. And
the crusaders on both sides have this
much in common: They possess a blind-
ing sense of righteousness, а compelling
desire to save people from themselves, а
necd to validate their beliefs by impos-
ing them on others and an abid
that they can cure social ills by
more laws. This last impulse is especial-
ly strong: it scems based on the notion
that if you "t convert your opponent,
at least you can punish the hell out of
hii

A unique feature of the gun-control
controversy is the way it causes its par-
tisans to change philosophical character.
The antigun people, who tend to be po-
litically liberal and morally permissive,
turn into law-and-order authoritarians,
while progun people, generally consery-
ative and moralistic, blossom into cham-
pions of civil liberties and individual
rights.

Bur forget the zealots on both sides;
there’s no converting them, no reasoning

PLAYBOY

with them. So the hell with them.
‘The fact remains that the vast majority
of citizens want effective gun control
short of flat-out prohibition or confisca-
tion. and the main obstacle to accom-
plishing that—besides the fanatics—are
the myths, misconceptions and misunder-
standings that have always clouded the
real issues. The three points with which
I opened this little tirade are prime ex-
amples of each. Let me now elaborate on
the various aspects of the National Gun
Problem that seem the least understood
by the greatest number of Americans.

Firearm registration is misunderstood
by the people who chant the term like
some sort of sacred mantra. 1/5 not, as
most assume, a control measure at all
but a record-keeping system; in itself, it
has nothing to say about who owns guns
ог how they are used. Firearm-owner
ensing does that, and while registra-
tion could enhance the enforcement of
other gun laws—as it does now with
some 100,000 privately owned and well-
behaved machine guns—it has a couple
of negative features that just about ren-
der it uscless, if not dangerous, Thanks
to the Fifth Amendment guarantee
against self-incrimination and the 1968
Gun Control Act, which prohibits con-
victed felons from owning firearms, the
one class of person exempt from registra-
Поп is—yes—your convicted felon. It's
very simple: You can't require a person
to register a gun if doing so would cause
him to incriminate himsel

Another negative feature of registra-
tion is that a substantial percentage of
this country's 50,000,000 or so otherwise
law-abiding gun owners will either neg-
lect or stubbornly refuse to comply with
a registration law, creating overnight an
equal number of righteous criminals.
"That, stupidly enough, seems not to
bother true antifirearms fanatics, who
look upon rebellious gun people with all
the understanding that hillbilly sheriffs
have toward long-haired pot smokers.

"There's also the little matter of cost—
several billion dollars to create a coi
puterized police data bank that would
be a civil libertarian’s nightmare.

Why are gun buffs so contrary and
defiant of the very idea of registration?
Forget all that foolishness about repel-
ling Communists and shooting looters.
The first reason is that they are so in-
sulted and angered by enemy propa-
ganda, rhetoric and legislative threats
they have come to resist any new law out
of habit and on principle. The second
reason is based on unassailable logic: If
registration is not tantamount to con-
fiscation, it is certainly a prerequisite
rcarm-owner licensing is, or could
be, a totally different matter. At least on
paper. it's a feasible and effective means
of determining who may or may not

104 legally acquire or possess a gun. Not (as

gun buffs quickly point out) that that
means a damn thing to serious criminal:
assassins, or even your average punk,
but it does reduce casual traffic in guns
and ammunition and gives the cops a
legitimate enforcement tool. Nondiscre-
tionary owner licensing (meaning there
must be cause to deny a license) should
not freak out the gun buffs; such a li-
cense merely entitles a person to legally
purchase or possess, without indicating
whether he does or doesn’t, the way a
driver's license entitles one to drive any
car lawfully. But gun people instinctive-
ly bridle even at this, because it’s con-
sidered a concession to the enemy. The
reason owner licensing presently doesn’t
mean a whole lot is because enforcement
gencrally is poor to nonexistent, cspc-
cially on transfers between individuals.
Most of the people who comply are the
conscientious N.R.A. types who don't ро
around robbing and killing people.

Theoretically, gun control could best
be achieved by owner licensing plus indi-
vidual firearm registration plus strict еп-
forcement. Which is about as likely as
reforming the human race. What such
laws would actually do is send mil-
lions of guns into hiding, criminal
ing a large percentage of the population
"апі creating a firearms black market
of staggering proportions. ‘This is gun
decontrol.

When it comes to sensible and enforce-
able restrictions on sale, possession and
use of firearms, it’s hard to say which
side is more wrongheaded—the liberal
intelligentsia that keeps proposing
thoroughly unworkable laws or the con-
servative bourgeoisie that rejects new
control proposals regardless of their mer-
its. Probably more important is the
source of this wrongheadedness. Fire-
arms, 1 submit, have gradually evolved
from a social problem into a moral issue.
More than mechanical devices for propel-
ling projectiles, they are now symbols of
conflicting cultural values and personal
lifestyles, just like abortion and capital
punishment. With abortion, it’s right
versus wrong, defined according to per-
sonal ideology, and disagreement cannot
be tolerated. There be по com-
promise with evil, whether that be mur-
dering unborn babies or compelling a
woman to bear children against her will.
Same for the death penalty. Capital
murder may be statistically rare, but the
anger and frustration felt by Americans
afraid to go out at night make executing
any criminal a soulsatislying gesture.
With guns. the conflict is especially
sticky, because everybody fears e,
but the solutions are emotionally op-
posed: Do you take guns out of circu
tion and depend on an effective police
force to protect life and private prop-
erty, or do you keep a gun handy and
just turn the home inyader’s body over

to the cops when they speed to the scene
half an hour later? Do you try to disarm
3000 or so handgun owners to reach the
one pistol that is used in a murder?

Bleeding Heart: Do you really think
that a stereo system or a TV set is more
precious than a human life?

Hard-Nose: 1 think that should be
decided by the son of a bitch before he
breaks into my goddamn house.

Not many people would deny a person
the right to defend self and family from
serious harm, which implies the collateral
right to possess the means to do so.
What freaks out the Х.К. types is
when some 60-year-old grocery-store pro-
prietor pulls a. pistol, drills an armed
robber and then gets thrashed through
the criminal-justice system because his
gun wasn't registered or he wasn't sup-
posed to own one in the first place.

Which brings us to personal rights and
liberties in an ostensibly free society,
blah, blah, blah. Consider the willing-
ness of the marijuana user to defy the
law, sometimes risking years in prison,
righteously insisting its his own damn
business what he smokes in the privacy
of his own home. Stupid laws aren't
going to stop hi anything, the fact
that pot is illegal has always madc it
even more attractive. The progun person
takes a similar position: Nobody's going
to tell him he can't possess the means of
protecting himself and his family. Dope
and guns are identical in one important
respect: Both are harmless unless you use
them. You say yes, but guns are weapons
that easily can cause death and injury to
innocent people. The gun owner simply
turns that around and reminds us that
protection is a more basic need than
pleasure: If some gun-wielding barbar-
ians come busting into your house bent
on murder, rape or robbery, you're not
going to do much good waving a lid of
marijuana.

If that happens to be a vastly exag-
gerated peril, we have hysterical antigun
campaigns with their melodramatic
“body counts" to thank for fostering
the idea that everybody is in mortal
danger of being shot to death

Another similarity between gun laws
and drug laws that escapes gencral
notice is that both lead to victimless
crimes, Like prostitution, gambling,
dope, homosexual acts, illegal abortion,
bootlegging, pornography or any other
kind of popular vice, illegal firearm pos-
session or transactions are consensual
offenses—called victimless because the
only complainants are the law enforcers.
Consider the ions of dollars and the
police man-hours devoted to stamping
out the killer weed and then figure the
cost of enforcing an unpopular law
among the owners of something like
150,000,000 firearms that are in half the

(concluded on page 183)

“You're not like all the others. They were women.”

105

it’s not western union and 15 not а stool at schwab's.
melani martin has her own way of getting discovered

MELANI
S THE MESSAGE

By now, Melani figures she’s delivered more than 300 singing telegrams, many
while dressed in the bellhop’s costume she wore when running an elevotor in
Hollywood. At left, she belts out a message to co-owner Eddy Kerkhofs and
blonde friend at Le Dome, the popular restourant on the Sunset Strip.

PHOTOGRAPHY BY KEN MARCUS

AYBE YOU'LL RECALL this scene from countless movie musicals
of an era long before Alexander Haig, nuclear reactors or
even 1 Love Lucy. An earnest, struggling starlet is making ends
meet by running an elevator іп a posh office complex when
she hears that her favorite star—a sexy young male singer—is
about to show up for his manager's birthday party. Can the
starlet ditch her post long enough to meet her idol? What will
happen if she bursts into song? vhat will they think of the silly Philip
Morris bellboy uniform she's wearing? Sound familiar? Adjust your timing to
1981 and you have the truelife saga of Melani Martin, a bubbly young showbiz

Above, Melani plays Cupid, her Valen-
line's Day special, for a soggy Howard
Hesseman from CBS’ WKRP in Cincinnati.
"Most folks like it when I sing,” she says,
though she admits that one woman paid
her not to do her show at a restaurant
in LA. "I knaw that my husband hired
you, but | embarrass very easily,” she
told Meloni. “I'll give you $50 if you'll
only sing to someone else.” Melani took
the cash and did her birthday song and
dance for a nearby table. She usually
gives her customers a choice of costumes:
A cupid, дайа or belly dancer costs
$100; a no-frills musical message is $35.
For big spenders, Melani will arrive in a
cake, do three songs and sock you $500.

"My топ hos ta hove а big sense of humor," says Melani. "But he con't be so.
outgoing thot he'll upstoge те.” But Meloni cloims she doesn't have time to
get romantically involved. “Anyway, the guys who chose me clways seem to be
ones | don’t wont ond the anes 1 chose just never seem to work out right.”

hopeful who used to run an clevator at the Berwin Entertainment Complex in Holl
wood. Her life, at that time, consisted of classes—lots of them. There were acting classes,
singing classes, dancing dasses, all taken with one goal in mind: stardom, a базыс
celluloid fantasy of a young woman tap-dancing her way onto the silver screen.

And the star? He's David Lee Roth, lead singer of Van Halen and the only rock star
to have announced he's carrying paternity insurance. "E (text concluded on page 192)

“My philosophy is that an actress never really has о home; she just wanders from set to set
until she becomes a star," explains Melani. And while stardam is definitely her main goal,
she's finding the going tough. “I’m lucky 1 have a way to дег my faot in the door,” she observes,

PINBALL

donna loved sex, but only
with strangers watching did
she feel totally turned on ctanewnovel

fiction
By JERZY KOSINSKI

WE WAS HAVING a nightcap at the bar in Kreut
zer's after work when Donna showed up looking
for him.

With her figure outlined by her faded jeans
and pullover and her hair falling Ineely over her
shoulders, she looked footloose. almost indolent.

"What is it that you want to learn from me?”
she asked, and he sensed that she expected him
to ask her about her musicianship, her studies
or her piano-playing plans; but lor some ob-
scure reason that was not at all malevolent, he
went straight to the truth.

Tell me about your life with that actor.”

Taken aback by his words, she stared at him
for a sign of hostility. but when she found none,
she appeared miserable, overcome by disgust.

“Who told you about him?" she asked sullen-
ly, then checked herself. “I'm sorry—it doesn’t
matter, does it? But why do you ask?”

I want to know you, Donna," he said quietly,

and because 1 might not have another chance,

1 feel it's important to ask you about someone

you cared about.

She face for signs that she could
trust him. Then she composed herself and be-
gan to speak, her voice calm, her eyes resting on
his, gauging his reaction as she surrendered
herself to her past.

"Please keep іп mind. Patrick, that 1 can't
explain what I'm about to tell you," she said,
placing her hand on his, unconsciously smooth-
ing his skin with the pads of her finger tips as
she spoke.

‘One day, leafing through some magazines in
the Juilliard library, I came across a scientific
article about female sexuality. It said that when
a woman gets excited sexually—whether by
physical contact or through her imagination—
the amount of vaginal blood and the rate of her

112 vaginal pulse both increase. Yet the researchers

rched his

ILLUSTRATION BY EDGAR CLARKE

PLAYBOY

found that during orgasm, although the
rate of the vaginal pulse increases, the
amount of blood decreases, and even
though this information was obtained
hy the use of sophisticated research tech-
niques, medicine has not been able to
offer an explanation for it

She stroked his hand, as if expecting
him to answer her, and she stared at
him. But he did not answer. He watched
her hand on his, and the thought tha
she would soon go home filled him with
ty.

Lf such a simple physical thing is still
а mystery to science," she said. “I guess
ГЇЇ never know what it was about
Marcello that made me love him.

Domostroy felt the incomprehensible
world of her past rise like a barrier
between them. Her green eyes stared at
him without expression and, meeting her
gaze, he wondered whether that barrier
would ever crumble before the ground
swell of his feeling for her.

She had been in love for the first time,
she said, when she was 12. She and the
boy used to slip out at night and meet
in a burned-out building near her
ilys apartment in Harlem. The boy
was 16 and white, and he always acted
frightened, probably because everything
around him was black—the night, the
burned-out building, the girl he was
squeezing. They met and kissed and
petted a number of times, until one
night the boy's parents sent the police
after him. She and the boy were found
necking in the ruins, and her boyfriend
was no longer alone in the blackness,
because the policemen were white, too.
They herded Donna into a police van
as if she were a stray dog, took her to
the station and charged her with solicit-
ing for the purpose of prostitution. She
was locked overnight in a сей with
two other women—black prostitutes who
treated her as tenderly as if she were
their daughter—and then released into
the custody of he her, who made
her promise never to see that white
boy again.

The incident taught her that even
though she was only 12 years old and
not guilty of soliciting lovers, she could
still be arrested for it. By the time her
family moved out of Harlem and into a
more aflluent South Bronx neighbor
hood, she knew she was sexually preco-
cious. The knowledge not disturb
her. She liked the idea that she could
get as carried away in sex as some of her
high school friends got on coke and hash,
and even then, in her mid-teens, she
decided she would always be the
one to take the initiative: She would
solicit only those lovers who seemed to
һе worth the risk.

She went abour her life with that
decision more or less fixed in her mind,

114 and one day, years later, she noticed a

handsome man hanging around at Juil-
rd. He seemed to be waiting [or some-
one, and even before she saw his face,
she couldn't help seeing what his tight
jeans revealed. Extreme viril of itself,
didn’t interest her much, however; it was
only when he looked at her that she was
attracted, for his face was boyish and
his expression shy and innocent.

As soon as he saw her, he began to
stare, and she found his intentions so
obvious and his stare so comical that she
burst out laughing. He spoke to her
then, asking her why she was laughing at
him. He seemed hurt. She apologized
affair began with laugh-

ter and apology.

Marcello told her that alter being
orphaned in carly childhood, he had
been brought up by a series of relatives.
He had worked at a varicty of part-time
jobs, most recently for а vidco-tapc
company. Lacking lormal education be-
yond high school, Marcello neverthe-
Jess well informed and well read, and
although he was not overtly musical, he
seemed to respond instinctively to good
music. He was a patient listener during
the long hours when Donna practiced
the piano. and throughout the
ship he made an effort to learn more
about music. But even with his many
likable traits, it was as a lover that
Donna enjoyed Marcello most of all.

Just as she was occasionally surprised
to find a piano that could reveal to her,
by virtue of its construction and tuning,
a new beauty or a hidden sense in some
composer's work. or to discover a room.
that, by virtue of its special resonance,
could alter her perception of tone and
clarity in musical sound, so was she sur-
prised to meet in Marcello a being who—
for the first time in her life—elicited
a response from her that was wholly
sexual.

"Until I met Marcello, most of the

men I had run into were pretty
much a she said. eying Domostroy
thoughtfully. "Usually, my date—black

or white, no matter—didn't think there
could be more to me than what he saw.
But once he found out there was, to
prove to me he wasn't after а quick lay,
he would take me out a lot—clubs,
nywhere but home.
iked him, we would often
end up at his place—or mine.” She
ttempted a smile, but it dissolved and
she looked haggard.

“When we were finally alone. free to
step out of our clothes and [ree from the
roles they imposed on us, my date would
usually go down on me, with that hum-
ble, slightly remorseful stare—puppylike
ase. Then, when I reas-
sured him that he ight, he
would go on making love to me, never
taking a chance, never surprising me
with something he was eager for me to

do, always afraid he might begin to use
pleasure. Always! And every
w that anxious stare, I would
feel as if I were hidden from him in the
dark, watching a spectacle being per-
formed by a stranger.

She halted, and when she spoke again,
her voice scemed lifelessly even. “АШ
that time, І felt that there must have
been something in me—in what I'd said
or done—some invisible score I'd written
for them to enact that made every one
of those men so passive, so obsequious.
Yet, even though I became fed up
with them and disgusted with myself,
I wouldn't—or couldn't—do anything
about it. You know, Patrick, that in
matters of sex it's often easier to reject
what you feel than to seck what you
want.

‘That was the mood I was in when 1
met Marcello. . . ."

Marcello understood her very well, she
continued. In their first weeks together,
whether they were alone or in public, he
would constantly surprise her, constantly
uate his will by touching her body,
snifing her hair, warming her neck
with his breath, brushing against her
breasts or thighs or buttocks, rubbing
her groin with his hand, all the while
communicating to her body that it was
a hiding place for innumerable stealthy
urges from within, until at last she came
to expect her every ordinary moment to
be turned by him into a state of sexual
tension, stripped of everything except
feeling. At that point it was enough for
her just to follow him, no matter where
he chose to lead her.

One place he led her to often was
a downtown bar called Dead Heat
Located in Soho, in the basement of an
old warehouse building, Dead Heat ap-
peared to be one large room with a stone
floor and rough black walls; it had a
circular bar in the center, a section of
tables and chairs and a small dance floor,
all lighted by а few small red lamps
hanging in tiny iron cages, which cast
moving cirdes on the ceiling and walls
whenever they swayed. At the far end of
this тоот, usually unnoticed by the
newcomer, two corridors led to the most
essential area of Dead Heat, called the
am ion, which consisted of a dozen
acomblike rooms, vaults, stalls and
walls and floors of
п,

c
cubicles, ай with
rough black stone, all lighted by su
bare red or blue bulbs, separated in
few cases by а doorless toilet. Furnished
with a few wooden stools, wooden plat-
form beds and old metal bathtubs, the
larger rooms of the Jam Session could
hold fifteen to twenty people. the vaults
about ten and the stalls and cubicles five

ог six at most.
Open after midnight—and only on
weekends—the gloomy, inhospitable
(continued on page 194)

THE FAMILY JEWELS

now that everybody and his sister claim to have balls,
it’s time to reappraise the most precious stones known to man

essay By ROY BLOUNT JR.

In the garden of Eden lay Adam,
Complacently stroking his madam.

And loud was his mirth,

For on all of the earth
There were only two balls, and he had 'em.

HOSE WERE THE D4 Now everybody has balls, or claims to. Fellows used to seck ladies
se , gentleness and ү Шеше Now th an is in. с ster

as people with
full baskets. There are even
men. And it was no slur on Bi Jean
admit to having had a lesbian affair.
In New York, the cable-T V personality who calls himself Ugly George—his own pair rendered
clearly if unwelcomely evident by tight pants—roams the streets of. Manhattan “loo! as he
mutters in voice-over, “for goils with balls.” Which is to say girls willing to pose naked for his
ever else may be said of it (yuck, рий), h m
ally, morally, sexually neutral quality. Israel has them, and so does Qaddafi.
Billy Martin and Reggie Jackson. Roy Cohn and Mother Teresa. Barbara (continued on page 184)

SCULPTURE SY PARVIZ SADIGHIAN

| BOOM DREAMS

they come to these overnight towns for the promise of steady work
and a hefty рау chech—why they stay is harder to understand

article By CRAIG VETTER

SOMEWHERE in the loncly middle of the
high Wyoming prairie last February, I
picked up a hitchhiker who'd been
standing for an hour in a hard snow-
storm, in a wind that was 14 degrees
below zero. He looked to be about 55

years old and he was about halt frozen
by the time he climbed into my rented
Oldsmobile. He was toting a beatup
leather suitcase with a rag for a handle,
and he'd been on the road for six days,
from Youngstown, Ohio. He said he was
broke and had been out of work for six
months and that he was on his way to

чеч

Jackson Hole because someone had told
him they were building a Holiday Inn
there, and he thought maybe they'd
have a construction job for him. Said he
hadn't hitchhiked since 1953, and he
didn't think he'd ever do it again. He'd
asked the police in Moorcroft if he could
sleep in their jail, but they told him

PLAYBOY

their insurance wouldn't cover it. So
he'd slept the night before in an aban-
doned house that didn't have any win-
dows or doors. Hard times, he said.

I told him I knew what he meant,
and when he said that it looked to him
like I was doing pretty well, 1 warned
him not to be fooled by appearances.
Then I told him I had been broke for
so long that I'd just spent a мсек in a
dirty, ugly, cold, treeless little oil-and-
coal boom town called lette, and ГА
liked it. In fact, I said, I thought I was
going back, just as soon as I got my
bankrupt affairs in order, to sce if I
couldn't get work among the dirt caters.
And if I couldn't find anything іп
Gillette, then I'd go on down to Evans-
ton or Rock Springs and look around
there for something steady and lucrative.

He asked me if I'd been laid off and
I told him it was worse than that; I was.
trying to make a living as a freelance
writer. He said he thought that paid
pretty well if you did it for the big
magazines. I told him it probably would
if you could write 1000 words a week,
for 52 weeks a year, and sell every one of

them, which I have never been able to

do, or even come close to doing. Then I
gave him the small but crucial epiphany
that I had come to in the past year or so:
Poverty is nature's way of telling you
you're in the wrong linc.

He said he couldn't argue with that.

Nobody ever went to Gillette, Wyo-
ming, for the hell of it. It was born in
1892 as a railhead village from which
the ranchers of the Powder River basin
could ship their cattle and pick up their
necessaries. It was named for the railroad
surveyor, Edward Gillette, who was re-
sponsible for pushing the tracks out to
this nowhere little piece of the high
plains; and though he was no particular
xelation to the razor tycoon, by the
Fifties, when the civic Pooh-Bahs of the
town were casting around for an identity
and a slogan, they made the connection
anyway They nicknamed the place
Razor City and called it "the sharpest
little town in Wyoming." Then, the
story goes, somebody suggested a stunt
to make the whole thing vivid. The idea
was to roust an antelope out of one of
the big herds, drag him down to Gillette
Avenue, lather him up and shave his
entire body with a Blue Blade.

Somehow, it never came off, and as it
ned out a few years later, there wasn't
going to be any need for such chamber-
of-commerce flackery. The town was sit-
ting on its fate—a seam of coal 100 feet
thick, 60 miles wide and 200 miles long.
Geologists called it the Fort Union for-
mation, and when they talked in tons
about the load they expected to blast
and scrape out of it, the numbers be-

118 gan to resemble the distance in miles

between stars. There was oil under-
neath that, too, and even some uranium
in there, and by 1973, all boom-town
hell had broken loose in Gillette. Rough-
necks, miners, railroad men, construction
gangs and truck drivers came from every-
where and were recruited out of bars
and off the streets, and still jobs went
begging. Hotel rooms were rented out
in 12hour shifts; people lived out of
their cars or pitched tents. The popula-
tion doubled, then quadrupled, and in
little more than ten years, what had been
a harmless little cow town of 3000 people
had become a wild prefab city of 17,000,
where the young men who came to do
the hard, filthy work outnumbered the
women ten to one.

Gillette wasn't the West's first boom.
town, of course. For more than 100 years,
gold and silver and oil had been chang-
ing drowsy crossroads into nasty, roaring
camps, had been attracting tough young
men with their boom dreams. But Gil-
lette was one of the very first towns to
go up in the new boom, the rush for
energy that began to ride down on the
Rocky Mountain states when the Arabs
decided to make the monkey dance back
in the early Seventies. And because it
was predicted that dozens of towns in
the cowboy states were going to be уіс-
tims of the same explosive growth before
all the oil and coal were pumped and
hacked out of them, the social scientists
began to watch Gillette as if it were a
lab animal.

Mark Twain could have told them
what they were going to find, and
they found it: murder, robbery, as-
sault, child abuse, wife beating, divorce,
alcoholism, depression, madness and
suicide all out of proportion to the
number of people in town. They began
calling it Gillette syndrome, and then,
in the best traditions of sociology, they
began to argue whether it really existed
or was just a statistical aberration built
of shabby data.

And that’s why I went to Gillette: to
find out if sickness and sin were any
more rampant in Razor City than in any
other American city of the same size.

I didn’t get the answer to that onc,
and very soon after I got there, I didn't
care, because the question had changed
from the abstract to the concrete: Could
a man—a man like me, for instance, who
In't have skills enough to do gentle-
man's work or the nerve for serious
crimc—could he stand to do a year in a
rough and greedy place if it meant he
could pay off his debts and maybe even
have a little left to squander when he
was through?

It's a good three hours from Casper
to Gillette if you drive it: across the
wide, treeless range land that is most of
Wyoming, through Midwest, where the

grasshopper pumps stand by the hun-
dreds in rows so straight they could have
been laid out by farmers, and past the
cattle ranches that were once the main
business around here. Except for the oil
rigs, this prairie hasn't changed much
since the Johnson County wars, since
Butch and Sundance hid out at Hole-in-
the Wall. Its still empty of everything
but grass and sagebrush, and the deer
and the antelope still play in great num-
bers around here, though nowadays they
do most of their dying on the highways.

Thirty miles from Gillette, 1 picked
up the local news broadcast, sponsored
by a roommate service that was promis
ing to find you not only a roommate but
a friend. lette police were reporting
a glasesmashing rampage in town Sur
day night. A liquor store lost its window
first and was missing about one armload
of whiskey. Then the sliding glass door
at a private home was hit, and then the
big window at Atlantic Richfield head-
quarters. Police said they had no clues
and no suspects, but it sounded to me
like somebody making his goodbyes.

A sign on the freeway said, GILLETTE
NEXT THREE EXITS. When 1 topped the
next hill, it became clear that whatever
disagreements there are about the social
fabric of Razor City, one thing is cer-
in—it's ugly. It spills down off the
pretty little hill that was the original
town in long grim strips of everything
you have ever seen that is quick, dirty
and squatempty of imagination or
planning.

Just off the highway, I dropped into
a shift-change traffic jam of pickups and
power wagons that were coming and
going from Pizza Hut, Kentucky Fried
Chicken, Long John Silver, The Pon-
derosa, the Super Eight Lodge or one
of the liquor stores that punctuate these
thoughtless streets like commas in a
runaway sentence. I passed а grubby
huddle of trailers next to the main-line
railroad tracks, where 100 or more single-
wides sat within spitting distance of one
another on a flat dirt patch so disma
that the rats probably leave it alone. And
through all of it there is not а tree, not
a shrub, not а sapling anywhere.

On a hillside just above the trailers,
there is a scattering of new, custom-built
houses. These buildings actually sit
down on a foundation and are called
permanent. "Ihe signs say they cost
$80,000 and up, though you don't get
any trees with them, either, and finally,
with their prefabricated "wood grain’
aluminum sides, they don't look like
they'd do much better in a high wind
than the trailers they overlook.

What's left of old Gillette is about
four blocks wide and ten blocks long.
Gillete Avenue runs up a gentle hill,
and the old buildings and big elms in

(continued on page 166)

“And this is Debbie—she's a real busybody!”

119

0 UNDERSTAND Karen Witter, you have to ignore
the fact that she’s pretty. What you see in Karen is
cosmetic glamor, fresh wax on a Formula L An at
tractive sheen that belies the power and deeper sense
of purpose underneath. The impoverished people of
Jaramillo in Baja California, for instance, wouldn't
recognize this Karen Witter. They do know a blonde
dynamo with dirty fingernails who gave up a Long
Beach summer to build them a schoolhouse a couple
of years ago. But tis glossy gringo is a stranger.
Poised, straightforward and razor-sharp, Witter hates
labels but an “adventurer” tag would not be far off
the mark. Consider her recent job as a stewardess on a
hotair balloon, casually serving champagne to joy
riders high above the California desert. “I'm not

PHOTOGRAPHY BY ARNY FREYTAG

NOE THE oe

karen witter can join our crew any day

Contrary to the legend on her sweater (opposite), Karen Witter does not need a pilot and she’s not dragging her nets.
Our sailor from Long Beach is in full command of her destiny and has already netted a hold full of adventurous times.

afraid of doing most of the things others are afraid of
doing,” she tells us. “I'd rather do something physically
dangerous than go alon n even keel.” That's an apt
metaphor. Karen is a sailor. More than that, at 20, she's
a sea creature, at home on or in the water. She has made
a pact with the ocean that weekend tars and motorboat
dilettantes only dream about. “I like being on the ocean
away from people; you wake up and look out and the:

nothing around you but water. You could be on your
way to China if your navigation were off. g is sen-
suous. I love the smell of the water, the feeling of the

Karen prefers her air with a little salt in it, so she's never far [vom the beach, the water and her main love, a sailing
boat. On the good ship Luthien (above left), Karen checks the lines with skipper Peter Gorham and Teresa Bill.

“J like a lot of sensuality with ту

sexuality. Sex alone won't do fo
me—I want lo enjoy my senses, t00.

wind and the sun. ЇЇ there's a storm,
it's even more exciting. You know
the boat could die at any moment.
Or fog. I've been in fog so thick at
night you couldn't see the bow from
the stern.”

Indeed, the only thing Karen car
as much about as sailing is learning.
She has virtually conquered Spanish
and is taking a bead on Greck. Her
current college courses will lead her to
a degree in either medicine or psycho-
physiology, the study of the relation-
ship between mind and body. "Its

irly new field that 1 find. espe
cially interesting," she says.

In typical Witter fashion, she is
low-key about her considerable in-
telligence. “I think it's harder to be
dumb than to be smart.” she laughs.

. you really have to make an
effort w be dumb.

Following а li t at the Uni-
versity of California at Irvine. Karen
decided to pursue her education, апа
her boyfriend, Peter, in the palm-
shaded halls of the University of

at Manoa.
re two ways to get to
Hawaii Karen and Peter opted for

124 the more difficult With another

Karen's love for the sea was fueled
in part by her reading, especially
the books of James Michener. “As
a scholarship finalist, I once wrote
two essays on Michener's books,”
she says. “But right now I'm kind
of mad at him. I wrote him a very
nice letter telling him how much 1
enjoyed his work, but he still
hasn't answered me." It's our guess
that she might have had better
luck in coaxing an answer if she'd
enclosed a photograph of herself.

couple, they sailed the 44-foot sloop Luthien out
of Newport Beach across the big pond.

Two weeks on the Pacific is not a Sunday sail.
On a well-equipped boat with an experienced
crew, the odds of making Waikiki harbor change
minute to minute with the whims of the sea. At
best, it could be boring; at worst, fatal. But Karen.
Peter and their friends made it in 16 days. She is
now on campus at the university, suffering the
banalities of physics, Spanish, pharmacology and
physical education. But we don't think it'll be long
before Karen strikes out on another adventure. As
she told us: "I'd rather not follow any path that
someone else has already taken.”

Karen has considered studying medicine; then
she could combine her passtons by makin,
house calls among the islands under sail.

Because she had a deaf friend, Karen learned sign language; now she augments her income by working part time
as an interpreter, as well as a teacher. Below, she forms the letter L for a group of her students in. Hawaii.

PLAYMATE DATA SHEET

SECRET CNN, ad rasa РР, x P297 79971

ds EVENING:

PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES

During a rather rowdy party, one unattached
female guest kept disappearing into a back
bedroom with one man after another, includ-
ing the host. This did not go unnoticed by the
host's wife, who was smoldering but kept her
composure. It was still faixly early when Miss
Willing approached her looking somewhat
frazzled and rumpled. "I'm sorry to rush off,”
she explained, “but I don't feel too well.”

“OE course I understand, my dear,” was the
hostess’ rejoinder. “You must have a splitting
backache.”

Shouted Frosty the Snowman, “Hooray!
Im agog with excitement today!

And the reason, of course:

A reliable source
Said a snow blower's heading this way!”

| had bad vibes last night,” the girl confided
10 a co-worker.

"Boyfriend worries?"

"No—my intimate massager short-circuited.”

What is the difference between heaven and
hell?” the theologian was asked.

“In heaven,” he replied, “the English are
the police, the French are the cooks, the Ital-
ians are the lovers, the Swiss are the adminis-
trators and the Germans are the mechanics.

“Whereas in hell," the religious savant con-
tinued, "the English are the cooks, the French
are the administrators, the Italians are the me-
chanics, the Swiss are the lovers and the Ger-
mans are the police.”

Say, does your wife like to do it dog style?”
one tavern drinker inquired of his barmate in
a moment of sexual camaraderie.

“To be frank, she’s rather more partial to
trick-dog style,” was the reflective reply.
“Whenever 1 make an overture, she’s more
likely to roll over and play dead.”

The honeymooners at the resort were playing
a ringtoss game when they suddenly stopped,
looked long and hard at each other and
headed back to the lodge.

“Aha,” remarked a spectator with a wink,
"quoitus interruptus.”

Our Unabashed Dictionary defines 33-34-43 as
an anatomic bomb.

Cutie Blanche used to work at a branch
Of a multispread corporate ranch.

When she rode there by truck,

She'd submit to a fuck,
So that truckers lined up to cart Blanche.

What are you learning in elementary school
these days, Tommy?" inquired the somewhat
foolish matron.

"Since there's sex education now, too, Mrs.
Bostwick,” answered the precocious youngster
with a malicious gleam in his eye, “we learn
a gon reading, writing and a rhythmic

ck”

A new mortuary in a tough mill town decided
to advertise in an unorthodox fashion, and so
draped a banner across the front of its build-
ing that read: OUR STAFF WILL STUFF YOUR
sriFF. Not to be outdone, the whorehouse
across the street responded with a banner read-
ing: OUR STUFF WILL STIFF YOUR STAFF.

The difference between a volume of Govern-
ment regulations and a sex manual is obviously
that a bureaucrat goes by the book in the
former case and comes by it in the latter.

Gee, guys,” said Snow White, “I've always
dreamed of getting seven inches—but not an
inch at a time.”

When he caught a sexpot starlet on the studio
lot flagrante delicto, the producer yelled, “Get
the male lead out of your ass!”

Much taken with a perky little file clerk he
happened to notice, the big boss invited her
into his office. “If you'll make oral love to me,”
he got around to saying after some small talk,
“ГЇЇ see to it that you're promoted next
month.”

“What do you take me for?" reacted the girl.
“I don't swallow that stuff!"

Heard a funny one lately? Send it on a post-
card, please, to Party Jokes Editor, PLAYBOY,
Playboy Bldg., 919 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago,
IN. 60611. $50 will be paid to the contributor
whose card isselected. Jokes cannot be returned.

MY МЫШЫ»

Vm happily married to the perfect woman—
so why am i in love with an imperfect one?

лак BY LAURIE COLVIN

MY WIFE IS PRECISE, elegant and well dressed, but
the sloppiness of my mistress knows few bounds.
Apparently, 1 am not the sort of man who acquires
a stylish mistress like the mistresses in French mov-
ies. Those women rendezvous at the café of an ex-
pensive hotel and take their cigarette cases out of
alligator handbags, or they mect their lovers on
bridges in the late afternoon, wearing dashing
capes. My mistress greets me in a pair of worn
corduroy trousers, once green and now no color at
all, a gray sweater and an old shirt of her younger
brother's that has а frayed collar and a pair of very
old, broken shoes with tassels, the backs of which
are held together with electrical tape. The first time
1 saw those shoes, I found them remarkable.

“What are those?” ] said. “And why do you
wear them?"

My mistress is a serious person, often glum, who
likes to put as little inflection into a sentence as
she can, She always answers a question.

“They used to be quite nice,” she said. “I wore

them out. Now I use them for slippers. These are
my house shoc:

‘This person's name is Josephine Dclielle, nick-
named Billy, called Josephine by her husband. I

m Francis Clemens and no one but my mistress
calls me Frank. The first time we went to bed,
after months of longing and abstinence, my mistress
turned to me, fixed me with an indifferent stare and
1. "Well, well. In bed with Frank and Billy.”

My constant image of Billy is of her pushing her
hair off her forchead with an expression of exas-
peration. She frowns easily, often looks puzzled
and is frequendy irritated. In movies, men have
mistresses who soothe and pet them, who are con-
g, passionate and ornamental. But 1 have a
mistress who, while she is passionate, is mostly
grumpy. Traditional things mean nothing to her.
She does not flirt, cajole or wear fancy underwear.
She has taken to referring to me as her “little bit
of fluff" and she refers to me as her mistress, as in
the sentence “Belore you became my mistress, I led
a blameless life.”

But in spite of this, 1 am secure in her affections.
I know she loves me—not that she would ever come

ILLUSTRATION BY KINUKO Y, CRAFT.

135

PLAYBOY

right out and tell me. She prefers the
oblique line of approach, She may say
something like, “Being in love with you
is making me a nervous wreck.” Or,
“Falling in love with you is the hobby I

took up instead of knitting or wood
engraving.
Неге is a typi It is be-

tween two and three o'clock in the after-
noon. 1 arrive and ring the doorbell.
The Delielles, who have a lot of money,
live in the duplex apartment of an old
town house. Billy opens the door. There
I am, an older man in my tweed coat.
My hands are cold. I'd like to get them
underneath her ratty sweater. She looks
me up and down. “Gosh, you look
sweet,” she might say, or, “My, what an
adorable pair of trousers.”

Sometimes she gets her coat and we
go for a bracing walk. Sometimes we go
upstairs to her study. Billy is an econo-
mist and teaches two classes at the busi-
ness school. She writes for a couple of
librow journals. Her husband, Grey,
whom she met when she worked as a
securities analyst, їз а Wall Street wonder
boy. They are one of those dashing
couples, or at least they sound like one.
1 am no slouch, either. For years, I was
an investment banker, and now I consult
from my own home. I own a rare-
book store—modern English and Ameri-
can first editions—which is excellently
run for mc so tl I can visit and over-
see it, 1, too, write for a couple of
highbrow journals We have much in
common, my mistress and I, or so it
looks.

Billys study is untidy. She likes to
spread her papers out. Since her sur-
roundings mcan nothing to her, her
study is bare of ornament and actually
cheerless.

What have you been doing all day?”
she says.

I tell her. Breakfast with my wife,
Vera; newspaper reading after Vera has
gone to work; an hour or so on the
telephone with clients; a walk over to
my shop; more telephoning; a quick
sandwich; her,

“You and I ought to go out for lunch
someday,” she says. “One should always
take one’s mistress out for lunch. We
could go Dutch, thereby taking both
mistresses at once.”

“I try to take you for lunch,” I say,
"but you don't like to be taken out for
lunch.”

“Huh,” utters Billy. She stares at her
bookcase as if looking for a misplaced
volume, and then she may say something
е, “IE I gave you a couple of dollars,
would you take your clothes off?”

Instead, E take her into my arms. Her
words are my signal that Grcy is out of
town. Often he is not, and then I merely
get to kiss my mistress, which makes us

136 both dizzy. To kiss her and know that

we can go forward to what Billy tone-
lessly refers to as “the rapturous consum-
mation” reminds me that in relief is joy.

After kissing for a few minutes, Billy
closes the study door and we practically
throw ourselves at each other. After the
rapturous consummation has been
achieved, during which I can look upon
a mistress recognizable as such to me,
my mistress will turn to me and, in a
voice full of the attempt to stifle emo-
n, say something like, “Sometimes I
don't understand how I got so fond of a
beat-up old person such as you.”

These are the joys adulterous love
brings to me.

Billy is indifferent to a great many
things: clothes, food, home decor. She
wears neither perfume nor cologne. She
uses what is used on infants: talcum
powder and Ivory soap. She hates to cook
and will never present me with an in-
teresting postcoital snack. Her snacking
habits are those, I have often remarked,
of а Iate-19th Century English clubman.
Billy will get up all naked and disarrayed
and present me with а mug of cold tea,
a plate of hard wheat biscuits or a squirt
of tepid soda from the siphon on her
desk. As she sits under her quilt nibbling
those resistant. biscuits, she reminds me
of a creature from another universe—
the solar system that contains the alien
features of her real life: her past, her
marriage, why Iam in her life and what
she thinks of me.

I drink my soda, put on my clothes
and, unless Vera is out of town, I go
home to dinner. If Vera and Grey are
out of town at the same time, Billy and
I go out to dinner, during the course of
which she either falls asleep or looks as
if she is about to. Then I take her home,
go home and have a large, steadying
drink.

I was not entirely a stranger to adul-
terous love when | met Billy. I have
explained this to her. In all long mar-
riages, I expound, there are cert
lapses. The look on Billy's face as I
lecture is one of either amusement or
contempt or both. The dinner party you
are invited to as an extra man when your
wife is away, I tell her. You are asked to
take the extra woman, whose husband
way, home in a taxi. The divorced
nd of yours and your wile's who
vites you for a drink one night,
on. These fallings into bed are the
friendliest things in the world, I add. 1
look at my mistress.

"I see," she says. “Just like patting
a dog.

My affair with Billy, as she well knows,
is nothing of the sort. 1 call her every
morning. 1 see her almost every alter-
noon. On the days she teaches, she calls
me. We are as faithful the Canada
goose, more or less. She is an absolute

nd so

fact of my life. When nor at work, and
when not with her, my thoughts rest
upon the subject of her as easily as you
might lay a hand on a child's head. I
conduct a mental life with her when we
arc apart. Thinking about her is like
entering a study or office, a room to
which only J have access.

I, too, am part of a dashing couple.
My wife is an industrial designer who
has dozens of commissions and consults
to everyone. Our two sons are grown up.
One is a lawyer and one is a journalist.
The lawyer is married to a lawyer and
the journalist keeps company with a
dancer. Our social life is a mixture of
our friends, our children and their
friends. What a lively table we must be,
all of us together. So I tell my mistress.
She gives me a baleful look.

"We get plenty of swell types in for
meals,” she says. f know this is true and
I know that Billy, unlike my gregarious
and party-giving wile, thinks that there
is no hell more hellish than the hell of
social life, She has made up a tuncless
little chant, like football cheer, to
describe it. It goes

They invited us
We invited them
They invited us
We invited them
They invited us
We invited them.

Billy and I met at a reception to
celebrate the 25th anniversary of one of
the journals to which we are both oc
butors. We fell into a

spirited conversation during which Billy
asked me if that reception weren't the

most boring thing I had ever been to. I
said it wasn't, by a long shot. Billy said,
"p can’t stand these things where you
have to stand up and be civilized. ‘They
make me itch. People either yawn, itch
or drool when they get bored. Which do
you do?"

1 said I yawned.

"Huh," said Billy. “You don't look
much like a drooler. Let's get out of
here."

This particular interchange
brought up when intention:
cussed. Did she mean to pick me up?
Did I look available? And so on. Out on
the street, we revealed that while we
were both married, both of our spouses
were out of toi iness. Having
made that clear, we went out to dinner
and talked shop.

After dinner, Billy said why didn't I
come have a drink or a cup of tea? I did.
not know what to make of this invitation.
І remembered that young people are
more casual about. these things and tl
a cup of tea probably meant а cup of
tea. My reactions to this ofler are also
discussed when cause is under discussion.

(continued on page 142)

PLAYBOY'S SPRING ANID

SUMMER FASHION FORECAST
IPAIRT I
birds of a feather have flocked together for the first of
our two-month preview of what's new in warm-weather wear

attire Ey DAVID PLATT

Above: Polly may want a cracker but it's a sure bet the other bird on our guy’s arm has something else in mind, whot with his wearing a
multicolor silk plaid jacket with notch lapels, center vent and flap pockets, $195, that’s coupled with Dacron polyester/worsted wool
straight-legged slacks that have top pockets and belt loops, $47.50, both by Austin Reed of Regent Street; plus a white cotton/polyester
tone-on-tone shirt, by Nino Cerruti Shirts, $25; and a cotton knit tie, by Manhotton Accessories for Yves Soint Lourent, about $11.50. 137

PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD FEGLEY

Above: No cockatoo-of-the-walk jokes, pleose, as this male's plumage is about to attract more
than just a feathered pal. He/s wearing a multicolor silk check jacket with notch lapels, side
vents and flap pockets, $375, over flannel double-pleated slacks with adjustable side waist
tabs and straight legs, $145, plus a brace of multicolor suspenders with leather tips, $35, а cot-
138 ton buttondown shirt with barrel cuffs, $37.50, and a silk knit tie, about $30, all by Alan Flusser.

S WE TURN the corner into spring
A the fashion news—if not th
nation's cconomy—definitely isn't
for the birds. Colorful plumage
has replaced a whole flock of drab
styles nesting on the fashion land-

Rest assured, however, that
ishness for its own sake and

le delinquency have

d from the market place.

So much is happening, in fact, that
we've divided our annual Spring
and Summer Fashion Forecast into
two features: This month focuses
on dressy styles, with next month
showeasing sportswear. Check out
these pages and you'll note that suit

Where does o wisecracking par-
rot with a two-foot wing span get to sit?
Anywhere it wants to. The lady's not
arguing with her guy's choice of
threads, either, as he's wearing a multi-
color silk/cotton tweed ventless jacket
with notch lapels and padded shoul-
ders, $450, multicolor silk/cotton tweed
double-pleated slacks with оп-ѕеат
pockets and straight legs, $150, a silk
Tone-or-tone shirt with barrel cuffs, $120,
and a multicolor silk/cotton hand-woven
tie, about $35, all by Jhane Barnes.

Above: Now here's a fine-looking feathered friend who's classy enough fo turn the other beak when his owner begins to bill and coo. The
lady our lad has opted for is іп а class by herself, too; she obviously appreciates good tailoring. Case in point is his spiffy multicolor
raw-silk tweed jacket with notch lapels, center vent and flap pockets, about $280, worn over cotton gabordine double-pleated slacks with
belt loops, on-seam pockets and straight legs, about $82.50, plus a cotton oxford buttondown shirt barrel cuffs, about $32.50, and a
multicolor silk striped tie, about $22.50, all by Jeffrey Banks. How do we know all about these things? A little bird told us, dummy.

and sports jacket looks are anything but restrictive. While overall
cuts and configurations remain the same (i.e, two button, three
button, single-breasteds and double-breasteds, ctc), it is the bolder
use of colors and, more importantly, the return of patterns th:

characterize the new attitude. Checks, stripes, plaids and tweeds
from the very subdued to the boldest madras have emerged іп foree
to lift tailored clothing out of the doldrums of drab classicism.
Shirts, ties and other wardrobe elements, however, tend to be on
the calmer side. While there are no hard and fast rules against mix-
ing patterns, a little restraint is always in good taste. To mix prop-
erly, let your coat of many colors be the guide. By blending one or
two colors in a suit or sports jacket with the shade of your slacks
and/or shirt and tie, you'll pull the whole outfit together success-
fully. The finished look should lead to some mighty interesting nest-
ing—and with luck, yowll certainly have something to crow about.

Right: Poe's raven may have quoth nevermore, but this chap isn't about
to take no for an answer and we don't blame him—after all, he’s wearing
а good-looking woo! gabardine pinstriped suit that has notch lapels and
double-pleated trousers, $435, а silk shirt with barrel cuffs, $120, and a
multicolor silk crepe tie, $30, all from Tiger of Sweden by Gil Truedsson.
Below: More styles for the unflappable; here, a cotton madras plaid
jecket with notch lapels, center vent and flap pockets, $125, cottan/
polyester straight-legged slacks with quarter top pockets and belt loops,
$45, a khaki-tan cotton/polyester shirt contrasting collar and barrel
cuffs, $21.50, and a solid-color cotton tie, $13.50, all by Henry Grethel.

WOMEN'S FASHION BY BECKY BISOULIS

PLAYBOY

142 ing in her study and without thin

MY MISTRESS (continued from page 136)

“Vera has men friends. I have women friends. The

first principle of a good marriage is freedom.

222

Did I want her to seduce me? Did I mean
to seduce her? Did this mean that 1,
having just met her, lusted for her?

Of her house, Billy said, “We don’t
have good taste or bad taste. We have no

iving room had no style
it was comfortable
enough. There was a portrait of what
looked like an ancestor over the fire-
place. It was not a room that revealed a
thing about its occupants except solidity
and a lack of decorative inspiration.
Billy made herself a cup of tea and gave
mc a drink. We continued our conversa-
tion, and when Billy began to look
sleepy, 1 left.

After that, we made a pass at social
life. We invited them for dinner, along
with some financial types, a painter and
our lawyer son. At this gathering, Billy
was mute, and G: very clever fellow,
chatted interestingly. Billy did not scan
at all comfortable, but the rest of us had
a fairly good time. Then they invited us.
along with some financial types they
knew and a music critic and his book-
designer wife. At this dinner, Billy looked
tired. It was clear that cooking was a
strain on her. She told me later that she
was the type who, when forced to cook,
did every little thing. like making and
straining the veal stock. From the mo-
ment she entered the kitchen, she looked
longingly forward to the time when all
the dishes would be clean and put away
and the guests would all have gone home.

Then we invited them, but Grey had
à bad cold and they had to cancel. After
that, Billy and I ran into each other one.
day when we were both dropping off a
cles at the same journal and we h
lunch. She said she was looking for an
ticle of mine and two days later, after г
maging in my files, 1 found it. Since I
was going to be in her neighborhood, I
dropped it off. She wrote me a note about.
this article, and Шеп 1 called her to dis-
cuss it further. This necessitated a lunch
meeting. Then she said she was sending
me а book I had said 1 wanted to read,
and then I sent her a book, and so it
went.

One evening, 1 stopped by to have a
chat with Billy and Grey. Vera was in
G d L had been out to dinner
i rt of town. I called her from.
a pay phone, and when 1 got there, it
turned out that Grey was out of town,
too. Had I been secretly hoping that this
would be the сазе? Billy had been work-

about it, she led me up the stairs. I
followed her, and at the door of her
study, I kissed her. She kissed me right
d looked awful about it, too.
"Nothing but a kiss!" I said, rather
ally. My mistress was silent.

“А friendly kiss," I said.

My mistress gave me the sort of look
that is supposed to make your blood
freeze, and said, "Your friends must be
very advanced. Do you Kiss them all this
way?

"It won't happen again," I said. "It
was all a mistake

Billy gave me a stare so bleak and
hard that I had no choice but to
her, and that, except for the fact that it
took us a couple of months to get into
bed, was the beginning of that.

That was a year ago, and

on in Billy's life that has me into it. She
once remarked that in her opinion, there
is frequently too little ing ii
riage, through which frail pinprick was
a microscopic dot of light thrown on the
subject of her marriage, or was it? She
is like a red Indian and says nothing at
all, nor docs she ever slip.

1, however, do slip, and I am made
aware of this by the grim, sidelong glance
l am given. 1 once told Billy that until
I met her, 1 had never given kissing
much thought—she is an insatiable kisser
for an unsentimental person—and I was
rewarded for this utterance by a well-
sed eyebrow and a rather frightening
look of registration.

From time to time, I feel it is wise to
у how well Vera and I get along.
says Billy. “I'm thrilled for

s truc," I say.
"m sure it's true,” says Billy. “Гап
sure there's no reason in the world why
you come and see me almost every day.
It’s probably just an involuntary action,
like snee; ^
"But you don't understand," I say.
"Vera has men friends. 1 have women
friends. The first principle of a good
arriage is freedom.”
‘Oh, I sce,” says Billy. "You sleep
with your other women friends in the
morning and come over here in the after-
noon. What a lot of stamina you have
for an older person
One day this conversation had unex-
pected results. 1 said how well Vera and
1 got along, and Billy looked unadorned-
ly hurt.

"God hates a mingy lover," she sai
“Why don't you just say that you're in
love with me and that it frightens you
and have done with it?”

An unexpected lump rose in my throat.

“Maybe you're not in love with m
said Billy in her flattest voice, “It's

Lam in love with you

"Well, there you аге,” said Billy.

My curiosity about Grey is a huge,
violent dog on a very tight leash. He is
four years older than Billy, a somewhat
swect-looking boy with rumpled hair
who looks as if he is working out prob-
lems in higher math as you talk to him.
He wears wire-rimmed glasses and his
shirttail hangs out. He has the body of a
young boy and the air of a genius or
somconc constantly preoccupicd by the
intense pressure of a rarefied mental life.
"Together he and Billy look not so much
like husband and wife as like coconspi
tors. How often does she sleep with him?
What are her feelings about him?

I begin preliminary queries by hem-
ming and hawing. "Umm," I say, “it's,
umm, it’s а little hard for me to picture
your life with Grey. I mean, it's hard to
picture your everyday life.”

“What you want to know is how often
we sleep together and how much I like
it,” says Billy.

Well, she has me there, because that is
exactly what I want to know.
“Tell you what," says my m
ince you're so forthcoming about your
life. We'll write down all about our
home fronts on little slips of paper and
then we'll exchange them. How's tha?”

Well, she has me there, too. What we
are doing in each other's lives is ап un-
opened book.

I know how she contrasts to my wile:
My wife is affable, full of conversation,
loves a dinner party and is interested in
clothes, food, home decor and the issues
of the day. She loves to entertain, is
sought out in times of crisis by her
numerous friends and has a kind or
inal word for everyone. She is me-
thodical, hard- ing and does not fall
asleep in restaurants. How I contrast to
Grey is another matter, a matter about
which I know nothing. I am considerably
older and perhaps 1 appeal to some
father longing in my mistress. Billy says
Grey is a genius—a thrilling quality but
not one that has any real relevance to
life with another person. He wishes, ac
cording to his wife, that he were the
conductor of a symphony orchestra, and
for this reason, he is given scores, t
and batons for his birthday. He has
studied Russian and сап g Russian
songs.

"He sounds so charming," I say, "that
I can’t imagine why you would want to
(continued on page 174)

ess.

part three

MAN and WOMAN

from the frontiers of sex and science,
an unprecedented playboy series on what makes
man man and woman woman

THE
SEX LIFE
OF
IHE
BRAIN

a growing number of scientists believe that maleness and
Jemaleness are conditions we're plunged into—headfirst

article

By JO DURDEN-SMITH
and DIANE DESIMONE

RS. WENT is an ordinary, well-adjusted English
housewife, married and with adopted children. Although she is legally a woman, she is, in fact, genetically male—all
her cells contain both the female X and the male Y chromosome. But she suffers from a xare disorder called the
testicular feminization syndrome, which involves an insensitivity to the main male hormone, testosterone. And,
because of it, Mrs. Went was born with testes hidden in her abdomen while having all the external appearances of
a girl. She was raised as a girl. She discovered her condition only at 23, when, anxious about her failure to menstruate
or gtow pubic hair during puberty, she consulted a gynecologist.

In Mrs. Went’s case, gender identity—what sex she feels she is—has come unglued from her genetic sex. And
there are other examples of this phenomenon. There are transsexuals who feel imprisoned in the sex of the body
they were born with and who sometimes clamor for sex-change operations. There is a subgroup of homosexuals
and transvestites who identify strongly with the sex opposite to their own—such as the New York uansvestite who

fathered and then, manipulated by hormon
Hermaphrodites, true bise:
ability, under certain circumstances, to
girls—in one gende
not been surgically altered in infancy to reflect it.

In the late Seventies, for example, а Mr. Blackwell, a shy
18-year-old Malawian who had been raised as a boy but who
п fact, the 303га truc hermaphrodite known to medi-
entered Stellenbosch University Hospital in South
Africa, where Willem van Nickerk had been conducting a
study of Bantu hermaphrodites. Blackwell had both a penis
and a small vaginal opening. But the main reason he sought
medical help was that during puberty he had developed two
large and finely shaped female breasts. Certain that he was a
man, and wishing to continue his career as one, Blackwell
asked doctors to stitch up his va and remove his breasts.
And they did so.

Mrs. Went, Mr. Blackwell, transvestites, homosexuals and
transsexuals such as Renée Richards, the tennis player—it
was cases like those that confirmed the conventional wisdoms
science delivered up to us in the Six! and Seventies about
sex and gender identity. Derived from Freud, they assumed
that the human brain came into the world innocent of sex
and was only later imprinted—through experience and
education—with male and female patterns of behavior. That
notion fit the confident liberalism of the times and it soon
permeated the society. It encouraged ordinary citizens to
bring up Jenny and Johnny in a democratic, unbiased way.

was,

als, both male and female, born with one active ovary and one active test
mpregnate themselves. Usually, however, they are
identity or the other. And that is the gender identity they choose to keep, even when they have

breastfed his own child. And then there аге hermaphrodites.

and the
aised as either boys or

It encouraged surgeons, when they were faced with an infant
with ambiguous sex organs, to plump surgically for one sex
or the other and to leave the rest to hormone treatments
and the long, slow schooling of childhood. And it enco:
psychiatrists to root around in the early exper
and female homosexuals, just knowing that they would find
there mixed messages, poor role models and a general con-
fusion in the way they were raised.

This was the age of nurture over nature. First, said the
scientists, a child can learn to be cither male or female quite
comfortably, whatever its genetic sex. But after a certain
age, after it’s learned to be one or the other, it cannot then
change its gender assignment without a great deal of psycho-
logical trouble. Second, said the scientists, sex roles are not
innate but learned. Gender is something dinned into you at
your mother’s knee, by your father's attitude and by all the
assumptions about the sexes in the society into which you're
born. Nature, they said, has little or nothing to do with it
Nurture is all.

Common sense, you would think. But then, in 1972, the
descendants of Amaranta Ternera were discovered. And the
controversy began. Amaranta Ternera—we have been
asked to ch с her name and the

(continued on page 212) 145

THREE HORRIBLY UNFAIR JOKES
YOU CAN TELL ABOUT LAWYERS

it takes half a million attorneys to screw in a light bulb, but is it the light bulb that really gels screwed?

humor By ANDREW TOBIAS

LAWYERS, ав a group, have never been
particularly popular
we do, let's kill all the lawyers," Shake-
speare had one of his players propose),
and yet in America's litigious soil they
have flourished, twining а tangled,
strangling and near impenetrable mesh.
Some of my best friends are lawyers—
and they agree. There are more lawyers
in the U. S. than in the rest of the world
combined. Half a million! West Ger-
many makes do with just one fifth as
many lawyers per capita. France man-
ages with one tenth as many. Japan has
one 25th as many lawyers per capita (but
seven times as many engineers).

Some 95,000 new lawyers enter the
mainstream cach year (like beavers, рге-
ng to clog it up). What are they
going to do? Well, they are lawyers—
they are not going to sit idle. They'll file
lawsuits! It’s no mystery why California
is the country’s most litigious state—it
has the best climate, Desirable living
conditions attract a disproportionate
share of young law graduates, who, in
turn, generate litigation. There are al-
most twice as many lawyers in California
as inall of England.

Author James Davidson sees the pro-
liferation of lawyers as “another reason
why America's economic growth is fall-
ing behind that of other countries
There is an inverse relationship between
the prosperity of lawyers and the devel-
opment of productive capacity"—partly
because it is in the interest of at least
one lawyer in almost any suit to stall.

“I was born to be a protractor,” CBS
News quoted a senior partner in IBM's
13-year antitrust defense as once having
said. “I could take the simplest antitrust
case and protract it for the defense al-
most to infinity. And, as you know, my
firm's meter is running all the time.”

Often, when both attorneys are paid
by the hour, it is in the interests of both
to drag things out—which just serves to
intensify the animosity between their
clients. Stanley Faust and his wife were
getting divorced in San Jose, California.
"They drew up a five-page division of
property, amicably, and went to a lawyer
to make it legal. There were no remain-
ing points of dispute. Three years and
more than $25,000 in legal fees later, the
divorce—which had become decidedly
less amicable—was still in the courts.

Nothing supports lawyers like insur-
ance. In 1979, new lawsuits were being
filed against the Hartford Insurance
Group—just the Hartford—at the rate
of one every five minutes of each work-
ing day. Reliable figures are hard to
come by, but it has been estimated that
nearly half the civil jury trials in this
country may be lawsuits over auto liabil-
ity. No wonder lawyers, who control the
legal system. have fought so hard, and
with great success, against “no-fault” in
surance. No fault, no lawsuits. No law-
suits, no lunch.

To expand the demand for their
swelling ranks, lawyers have been ex-
panding the horizons of liability. It is
by now old hat, at least in some states,
that the bartender or partygiver who
serves one drink too many may be held
liable for the accident his patron or
guest subsequently causes. À man in
New York's City Hall slipped and fell
on someone's halfeaten tuna-fish sand-
wich. He sued the city for $1,000,000.
Are we no longer responsible for loo
ing where we're going? How long will it
bc before Hellmann's mayonnaise wil
be named codefendant in such a suit?

Once, people were responsible for
watching where they were going. Today
it is well established that if you slip on
someone else's ice, or twist your ankle in
a pothole, or go sprawling among the
guavas and avocados at the supermarket,
you have a potentially lucrative cause of
action. It is equally well established that
between a third and a half of whatever
you are awarded under your right not
to watch where you're going u
directly to your attorney for his time and
expenses. But if society has decided to
aid those who slip and fall, why not aid
as well people who slip and fall on
their own premises or on the premises
of the not so well off? And why must
such a large chunk of the aid we provide
routinely go to lawyers instead of victims?

Most attorneys are exemplary citizens.
Had we but a few of them, everything
might be fine. It is as a group that their
swollen ranks are gumming everything
up. Thus, whenever one has a chance to
parage attorneys—not specific attor-
neys but attorneys in general—one owes
it to the graduate students of tomorrow
to do so. Engincering school is where we
need to have them apply, or perhaps
biotechnology school or culinary school
or even business school—but not law

ILLUSTRATION BY SANDRA HENDLER

school. With that in mind, here are
three horribly unfair jokes you can tell
about lawyers (I assume you already
know the one about the rk's not
cating the lawyer—"professional cour-
tesy"—and that the diflerence between a
rooster and a lawyer is that a rooster gets
up every morning and clucks defiance):

1. Saint Peter is at his post, greeting
heaven's new arrivals and assigning
them living quarters. First in line is the
Pope. Saint Peter directs him to heaven's
equivalent of one of those six-dollar-a-
night roadside motel rooms. No phone,
no TV—nothing. Next in line is a law-
yer. Saint Peter assigns him to a la
two-bedroom suite. The third man can't
restrain his curiosity.

“Saint Peter, forgive ше... 1 mean,
the Pope, for God's sake! And some law-
yer?” He gestures weakly at their re-
spective accommodations.

My son,” Saint Peter replies calmly,
“we have seventy-five Popes up here.
We've never had a lawyer."

2. A doctor, an architect and a law-
yer—classmates from college—were re-
laxing at their club. Talk turned to
their respective dogs, cach of which, ap-
parently, was most remarkable. Boast
followed boast, tempers flared and fi-
nally it was decided to sec just what
was what.

"Тһе doctor called to his beagle. “Hip-
pocrates" he said. "do your stuff.
Whereupon Hippocrates ran to the back
door of the club, rooted around the gar-
bage and in several quick
with a pile of bones. Which he assem-
bled in the form of a human skeleton.

Beaming, the doctor waited for con-
gratulations. But the architect said,
“Hey, that's nothing. Sliderule, get over
here.” Sliderule, an English sheep dog,
came loping over. “Do your stuff, Slide-
rule" Whereupon Sliderule tore into
the bones, added a few more from
around back of the club and in less than
а minute had assembled a near-perfect
model of the Taj Mahal. The architect
grinned uncontrollably. Both he and the
doctor turned to look at the lawyer.

“Bullshit,” called the lawyer to his
Doberman, “do your stuff.” Whereupon
Bullshit ate all the bones, the beagle
and the sheep dog,

3. You: Do you know how to
drowning lawyers?

They: No.

You: Good!

ve fi

a 147

AYE, BARBARA

one of playboy’s favorite leading ladies,
the exotically beautiful miss carrera,
stars in the mickey spillane thriller 4, the jury"
кшш ee a ши ии ше, а

PHOTOGRAPHED FOR PLAYBOY BY MARCO GLAVIANO

MAKE-UP BY RICHARD ADAMS

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pictorial essay By BRUCE WILLIAMSON wince warme for Barbara
Carrera to show up for lunch at a swell French rest t in New York, I am
eying this blonde at the top of the curved stairs. Some dame. Mickey Spillane
would have loved her. Hair in a platinum pageboy, wearing a big, baggy.
brightred sweater over a body that just won't stop. Tight pants and heels.
Only a heel would think what I’m thinking. Slowly, the blonde turns. Coming
my мау. Now her hand's on my arm. “Darling,” she murmurs, not quite
suppressing a giggle, “didn’t you recognize me? Oh, I love it!”

Of course, the blonde Barbara, the celebrated Latin supermodel who
almost made blue-eyed blondeness obsolete and put brunette exotics on the
fashion map. We sit at a quiet table at the back. She blows the bubbles off a

Enjoying a scenic stretch in the Coribbean, Barbara confesses she imagines
conversations whenever the camera’s eye is on her. To whom does she address
English? “Always а man." In TV's Masada (right), she spoke volumes to Peter O'Toole.

When photographer Morco Gloviano told her he wanted "very sexy" pictures, Barboro soid, "Darling, that’s whot you're going to get.”
Much cooler in 1, the Jury (below left, in block), she plays a bod lody whose sexclinic activities (below right) set the stoge for black-
mail. One client's a psychopoth (Judson Scott, below opposite) who forces Hommer's blonde aide (Laurene Landon) to don a red wig.

glass of Cristal champagne,
noting that life at the top isn’t
so bad once you get used to
it. "I love luxury, but I take
for granted," she says with
a widescreen smile. "Limou-
sines, hotel suites, first class,
Japanese massage and baths.
As a model, of course, one
always has these things"
There's not a hint of snobbery
or condescension in what she
says, the way she says it. The
wig was a whim. “It’s fun, just
for kicks. Yesterday I got
caught in the rain, all soaked,
and felt so good about getting
wet I didn't want to go dry
myself. So 1 ran into a wig
shop, tried this on, paid for it
and walked out. This is a
little like the way I Jooked in
Condorman. What do you
think? Am I convincing, dar-
ling, as a platinum blonde?"
Good question. Am I fool
enough to give her a straight
answer? When you go to
lunch with a girl like Barbara,
you can stretch a point.

Since she was first featured
in PLavpoy іп 1977 as a for-
mer cover girl making a seri-
ous bid for stardom іп her
third movie, The Island of Dr.
Moreau, Carrera's career has
been an upward curve leading
to І, the Jury by way of Cen-
tennial and Masada. It's nice
to haye predicted big things
for an actress who almost
never docs anything small.
After the highly rated Cen-
lennial series оп TV, she
played a captive Jewess in the
monumental Masada, which
was beamed around the plan-
ct to more than 300,000,000

Carrera in а Caribbean skyscape
(right) is a sultry reminder that
some gentlemen prefer brunettes.

Armand Assante, as Spillane's Mike Hammer, quizzes the clinic's top sister act (below left, the Harris twins, Leigh and Lynette, uncovered
for I, the Jury by etAreoY) about a murder. Below сепіег, Hammer's girl Friday (Landon) gets a bead on the killer's ugly mom (Jessica James)
and learns why he hates redheads. Below right, the psycho slasher strikes again, doing in the twins after laying them out in matched wigs.

Above, left and right, Barbara blends sand, stone and skin їп on environmental portrait of a lady whose thoughts as she posed here were
"quite interesting fantasies about three different males of her acquaintance. She won't say who the lucky dawgs оге. But they know.
Below, in character as the sex clinic's chief trickster, Barbara tries to trip Hammer by luring him into her bed and off her case.

people and made her ап instant celebrity in places where they'd never heard of Vogue. Now she's about to be seen as a
murderous, predatory bitch in J, the Jury, the second movie version of Mickey Spillane’s first novel, a perennial paperback
best seller. Obviously, we have a bit of catching up to do. We try to resume where we left off as Barbara the Gorgeous went
into orbit. She's still a California nomad but has traded her Beverly Hills apartment for a newer, bigger house in Bel Air. “Its

Spillane's noted for his tough-guy lines, one of the most famous of which occurs in I, the Jury. As she's being plugged by Hammer, the
svelte yillainess sighs, "How could you?" To which he replies, “It was easy." The torrid Correrc-Assante love scenes below don't look
tough, either. Above and opposite, Barbara relaxes in the surf and a jeep, which, she said, made her feel like a schoolgirl on Soturday night.

т”

PLAYBOY

156

where I leave things I want to find
a year later,” she notes. She is still an
avid amateur painter when she can find
time but has graduated from acrylics to
oils and is doing her self-portraits in
brighter colors these days. “1 look at
them to see my progress psychologically
To bring nirvana a drop nearer, she now
madhi water tank that Burgess
Meredith told me about." designed for
deep relaxation, with 800 pounds of
Epsom salts diluted in ten inches of
aqua. "You close the door, you're in total
dark ara explains. "You be-
come all mind, space, you don’t feel your
body anymore. You float like a cork on
the Dead Sea. Once I fell asleep in it for
five and a half hours; I was beyond the
beyond. It's just like the one in Altered
States, except that my spirit won't do
such evil things to те.”

In general, Barbara confines her own
dark deeds to the sound stages of cine-
ma. Having played a kind of glamorous
Frankenstein monster in the 1976 Em-
bryo, her sccond film, then а ravishing
creature who's transformed into a puma
in Dr. Moreau, she has successfully
dodged the perils of typecasting and
evolved in I, the Jury as an altogether
human, homicidal, dangerous dame of
the old school. Advance reports indicate
she is sensational—the kind of bad guy
the good guys rather enjoy tangling
with—as Mike Hammer's nemesis, Dr.
Charlotte Bennett. Dr. Bennett operates
а sex-therapy clinic, with blackmail and
murder on the side, and is ready to
practice everything she preaches.

"I must confes,” says Barba
"there's something fun about havi
a license to be really bad. My first
unsympathetic role, and I enjoyed it so
much, though I tried to avoid the
diché of being bad.
wicked person can be
some nice moments, you know? Other-
wise, it's a bore, just as boring as а
goody-good girl, whose personality has
no other colors.

“J think Y have broken the Hollywood
stereotype image of the Latin woman,”
Nicaragua-born Barbara continues, cros
ing her fingers for luck. “Неге, I'm play-
ing a WASP. I was a blonde Russian in
Сопдогтап, an Indian aging from 15 to
89 in Centennial. I feel Masada proved
to people what I wanted to prove, that 1
am not just a glamor girl who wants to
act but a real actress, and more an
actress than a movie star.”

High on Carrera’s list of major peeves
are the professional gossips who try to
follow every move she makes with a de-
cidedly mixed bag of eligible males
Actor Alex Cord, producer Robert Evans
and the mult naire Genna.
crat Maximilian von Bismarck dominate
the roster of onetime suitors now rele-

gated to her company of “very dear

friends.” Barbara will admit under pres-
sure that Max was a pretty serious
liaison for a time, though she adds,
laughing quietly, “he just recently mar-
ried someone ... a Spanish girl by the
name of Ва Carrer current
crop of escorts, depending on which
gossip sheet you follow, includes such
headliners as shipping heir Phillip
Niarchos, actor К. d Gere and, often
as not, the Russian ballets defected
superstar Alexander Godunov. Mention-
ing any name on her
makes Barbara bristle.
she says, "and this gossip takes my secrets
way. It's embarrassing, also an invasion
of privacy. It you're seen together with
someone. that’s one thing. But then they
begin to quote falsely what he said about
me, what / said about him, making
everything up, calling this man or that
man the love of my life.

“The truth, sort of sad in a way, is
that I know lots of men, all over. А
world of men, so many men, but no
special one that I want. It’s like wat
water everywhere and not a drop to
drink. I think Гуе never really found
that, because a relationship has to work

whether my generation even understands
that kind of total commitment. Some-
how, relationships aren't often taken
seriously."

Being beautiful, famous and self-suff-
cient may prove death to romance for
a sophisticated girl-about-town, in Bar-
Баға opinion. “It’s the combination of
all those things. Men get frightened,
then do silly things that disillusion me.
Maybe they sce my house in Bel Air and
think: Oh, God, I'd never be able to
keep fier. . . or keep up with her way
of life. The fact is, I don't need a man
for how he can keep me. I make enough
money. What J need is total love and
mutual respect.”

And what does

man need to win
Carrera? “Power is the greatest attrac
tion for me, absolutely. Men who are
comfortable with themselves сап һап-
dle me without being intimidated be-
cause they don't feel they have to prove
anything. This isn't power in the sense of
being a national leader or anything.
Just the power a man has from believ-
ing in himself, from knowing there's
something he does extremely well. He
may be artistic; I'm always attracted by
that. I like a man with a sense of humor
who stands on his own two feet."

rs notions about beauty are
emphatically down-to-earth. “I think
some prejudice against beauty for ac-
tors is sort of disappearing now. I'm
grateful for that. I'm blessed to be living
in an age when people consider my sort
of appearance attractive. Imagine if I'd

been born in the days when obesity was
the fashion? They'd have thought me
very thin and ghastly! But the fashion
world’s idea of glamor—where you're
finished if you have one wrinkle or a
blemish on your face—is an absurdity.
I know it sounds silly to repeat, but
beauty finally has nothing to do with
looks. It’s the beauty Mother Teresa
has. She's funny-looking, with wrinkles
you wouldn't believe, but the look in
her face is beautiful; she's so full of love
that everything her eyes fall upon be-
comes beautiful, too. I'm not stupid, so
I take advantage of what I have. But in
20 years, Га like to be that а of
beautiful.”

Meanwhile, the Carrera carcer is at
a high point where she's more apt to be
studying her lines than counting her
wrinkles. “Since Masada, which opened
many doors, people have started to write
for me, make deals around me—they
send me scripts all the time.” Working
with such seasoned actors as Peter
O'Toole and Richard Chambe:
fired her ambition to wy a Broadway
play. though Barbara’s immediate goal
is to form her own production company
and launch several cherished projects.
“I feel I've paid my dues and am ready
to do more exciting things. I'd like to
play Maria Callas in a film. I know the
book about her and her life—a very pas-
sionate woman, whose passion drew
people toward her but also had a fright-
еп side. I'd like also to do another
version of the life of Evita Peron. So
far, no one has done an Evita story with
the Пауог of a tango in it, and Шеге»
nothing so Argentinian as a tango."

More than any other idea on her agen-
da, Barbara yearns to do a remake of the
life of Mata Hari. “Most of the lier
films about Mata Hari were done when
censorship was very rigid, but the wom-
an in her own right was a great cour
tesan whose allure was the way she got
information as a spy—using her wits and
her body ruthlessly. While 1 was filming
Condorman, 1 stayed іп Monte Carlo
and met some people there who knew
her. That was where Mata На ved
and died—at the hotel right across the
street from the Casino de Paris, which
was her hunting ground where she did
all her numbers. Oh, I'd love to do that
as a feature, which has always been so
cleaned up that it becomes just а spy
story. I'd like to tell the truth of it, with
all the splendor of the ета... you sce
what I mean, darling?
tting erect, her nails curved like the
of some elegant bird of prey,
dy is Ma Or prob-
ably any brightly plumed creature she
chooses to be. 1 see what she means. She

incans business.

home satellite
broadcasting is moving
us all into a global video village

OF the #0006

article OU) KEVIN COOK

HE SOVIETS shook us from the
somnolent Fifties when they
threw Sputnik up over our heads.
Our national cars heard the thing beeping up there in the darkness,
and we were sure somchow that all its flashing lights were angry red.
That first artificial satellite sent us on a technological tear for a dozen
years. We trained tons of astronauts and space-age engineers and won
the race to the moon, We sent men there and brought them back; and
when repetitions of that feat got boring, we (continued оп page 242)

ILLUSTRATION BY DENNIS VAGDICH

“And I don't have to remind you that we have the highest
interest rale for large deposits.”

little sins for the greater good
from the Contes Philosophiques of Voltaire, 1746

IT IS A FALSE PRINCIPLE that tells us
not to commit a litte sin in order
to accomplish a great good, as Saint
Augustine relates in his tale of an
adventure during the consulate of Sep-
timus Acindynus.

At Hippo, there was а parish priest
who dabbled in fortunetelling; and onc
day there came to him a beautiful young
woman called Cosi-Sancta. She had been
brought up in the strictest virtue. Now
she was betrothed to a prominent law-
yer, a little, dried-up man named
Capito. He was peevish and pursy and
jealous. The poor girl wanted to know
if her marriage would be happ:

The priest cast up his eyes and in-
toned, “Daughter, your virtue will cause
many misfortunes. But alter you have
three times been unfaithful to your hus-
ad, you will become a saint.

Cruelly hurt, the girl wept and swore
that she would never become a saint if
that was the price. Soon she was married
and the wedding feast was а gallant
affair. She danced very gracefully with
several extremely handsome young men.
Later, she got into bed with Capito
with repugnance and, except for about
four and a half minutes, slept soundly
the whole night through, dreaming of a
handsome dance partner named Ribal-
dos. Now, this young man had all that it
takes to make a fine lover—the graces,
the boldness and the trickery. He had all
of the women of Hippo at loggerheads.
But, as Ribaldos had told Cosi-Sancta
while dancing, he was this time madly
in love with her.

Like any man of wit, he began by
flattering the husband—he praised his
intelligence, told him unimportant se-
acts and lost money to him gambling.
But, conceited as the lawyer was, he
was not stupid enough to swallow all
this and, in the end, he found some
pretext to quarrel with Ribaldos and
forbade him the house.

Made even more amorous and tricky
by the lady's reserve and the husband's
dismissal, the lover disguised himself
a new figure every day—as a woman
peddler, аз a Punch-and-Judy showman,
as a beggar—in order to sce her. If
Cosi-Sancta had not been struggling
with her conscience and had wanted to
mect her lover, it could have been ac-
complished. As it was, she succeeded in
taining her chastity while making
pand think she was most guilty.

The little old man punished her cruel-
ly with insults and deprivations. ТІ
she was in the most poignant of a
woman's situations—accused by a hus-
band to whom she was faithful, yet torn
by a passion she vias trying to overcome.

us,

In the end, she plucked up courage
and wrote to aldos, saying, in p:
"If you have any virtuous feeling, pity
me and cease your pursuit.” Poor Cosi-
Sancta could hardly have foreseen that
this piteous letter would inflame her
lovers heart so much that he would
risk his life to approach her again.

Capito, who had spies about the town
learned that Ribaldos planned to dis-
guise himself as a begging friar and to
ask alms of the lady. When he appeared
at the door—Cosi-Sancta having been
sent away on some pretext—a servi
maid lured him inside and C
servants fell on him. In spite of his cries
that he was an honest fri he was
beaten so badly that he died a fortnight
later from a blow on the head.

Cosi-Sancta was inconsolable, All the
other women of the town mourned.
Even Capito was sorry—for it turned
out that Ribaldos was a relative of the
proconsul Acindynus. And Acindynus,
having more than once had bitter con-
flics with the law courts of Hippo,

delighted at the chance to hang
one of their members. Not just an or-
dinary member, either, but one of the
'ainest and most intolerable pettifoggers.
Cosi-Sancta realized that the first
part of the priest’s prediction had come
true, but, reflecting that no one can
overcome her destiny, she abandoned
herself to Providence and went to the
proconsul to beg for Capito’s life.

"I would give my life to save his,"
she said.

"I do not want your whole life, I
want only опе of your nights," said the
proconsul.

“They do not belong to me; they be-
long to my husband.”

But what if your husband consents?”

"He is, of course, the master of hi
own property. But I tell you he will
never consent; he would rather be
hanged than Jet anyone else touch me.

The proconsul had Capito brought
before him and offered him the choice.

ILLUSTRATION BY BRAO НОЦ АМО

Ribald Classic

Capito balked, but, in the end, he
agreed. This was the first of the three
times in the prophecy. Cosi-Sancta chari-
bly saved his life.

Not long after, her son fell ill of
a disease. The only doctor who knew
how to cure this illness lived at Aquila,
and so, accompanied by her brother, she
set out. On the way, the party was cap-
tured by brigands. These outlaws were
about to cut her brother's throat when
the chief of the band went up to her,
told her that he thought her very charm-
ing and offered to stop the murder if
she would be kind to him.

Poor Cosi-Sancta! She had just saved
the life of a husband she did not love;
she was about to lose a brother she loved
very much; and, if she did not hurry to
Aquila, she might lose her child. Com-
mending herself to God. she lay down
1d spread her legs. And this was the
second of the times.

When they reached Aquila, she went
to the doctors house and took the
child in to him. Now, this man was one
of those fashionable doctors who treat
rich women for the vapors and who carry
on amorous affairs with the prettiest
of their patients. He was
favor with the medical

Cosi-Sancta offered him a sestertium
(about 1000 crowns in modern French
money) to cure her son.

"Madam," said the gallant doctor,
“that is not the kind of payment 1 wish
from you. For, I confess, the moment
I saw you, 1 was struck with a malady
that only you can cure. Rescue me and
I will restore your child to health."

‘The lady thought this an extravagant

proposition, but fate had recently ren-
dered her accustomed to strange things.
She realized that the doctor was an
obstinate man who would take no other
fee for his services. How could she allow
the child she adored to die because she
resisted on а point of honor?
She had been а good wife; then she
had been a good sister; and now she
proved herself an equally good mother
and submitted to the doctor's fee.

Thus, Gosi-Sancta, by being too vir-
tuous, caused her lover to be killed
and her hu (d to be condemned to
death. However, by being sinful, she had
saved the lives of her husband, her
brother and her son.

She was considered a woman who had
bcen very useful to her family and, after
her death, she was made a saint for
aving done so much good.

On her tombstone, they carved:

JUST A FEW LITTLE SINS FOR THE

GREATER GOOD.

—Retold by Robert Mahieu EJ 155

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эксе Wide

20 QUESTIONS: LOUIS RUKEYSER

the irreverent host of tv's “wall street week”
shares his views on hot tips, reaganomics and the erotic appeal of money

ouis Rukeyser was born with a ticker

tape in his mouth. His father enjoyed
а considerable reputation as a syndicated
financial columnist; but despite Rukey-
sers own career as an award-winning
economic journalist, he is most visible as
the host of PBS’ longrunning “Wall
Street Week” and the syndicated “Louis
Rukeyser's Business Journal.” His wit,
his expertise and his fervor for the little
guy come across so intensely that they
almost make one forget he earns a high
six-figure income.

Warren Kalbacker caught up with him
first at the close of a hectic day's trading
and then continued to check in with him
for several months. “Rukeyser enjoys
talking quite a bil,” Kalbacker told us.
“The only problem I had during our
conversations was interrupting him to
ask the questions.”

PLAYBoy: Have you ever been burned in
the stock market?

RUKEYSER: Oh, sure. I've made virtually
every possible mistake in investing. But
Ive done some things right, too, and
T've tried to avoid making the same mis-
takes again. I have a great deal of
authentic compassion for the small in-
vestor—probably because I am one.

PLAYBOY: But surely you must get inside
information and hot tips.

RUREYSER: All over the country, every
week, people are trying to make me rich.
And if I had followed all the advice
given by those charitable people, I would
be суеп broker than I am today. 2

PLAYBOY: Monday-morning trading in a
particular stock has been known to be
especially heavy after a mention on
Wall Street Week. Is there a chance that
such power will corrupt you?

RUKEYSER: Obviously, with an audience
of 10,000,000—twice the circulation of
The Wall Street Journal—there will be
some impact. But I think по one has
been more responsible than we have in
that area. Whenever anyone makes a
recommendation, 1 remind the audience
that he may be wrong. Anyway, hot tips

PHOTOGRAPHY BY LARRY WILLIAMS

arent what Wall Street Week is all
about. I think the real value of the pro-
gram is to help people get a handle on
the economy.

PLAYBOY: What lured you to commercial
television?

RUKEYSER: І hadn't been secking any
new project, but a number of flattering
proposals were made to me by inteli-
gent people. 1 turned all of them down.
But with this new show—Louis Rukey.
ser's Business Journal—the people
seemed just right, the format right and
the timing fine. Its nothing like Wall
Street Week. The new show covers the
whole range of business and economics
without the investing focus of WSW. 1
hope 60 minutes of Louis Rukeyser on
television each week will not result in
overexposure. I suspect the nation might
find 70 or 80 minutes a bit inuch.

PLAYBOY: The average person's knowl-
edge of economics has increased tremen-
dously in recent years. How do you sce
your personal role in popularizing the
topic?

RUKEYSER: From the start, we've taken
the broad view that Wall Street has al-
ways been a metaphor for money. If you
say "Economics" to the average person,
the chin gets a little heavy and hits the
chest, and the eyelids begin to droop.
But if you say “Money,” the eyelids flash
up, the nostrils flare and you have his
full attention. Money is one of the two
chief preoccupations of the average per-
son and the only one you can discuss
during the family hour on television.

PLAYBOY: Who are the elves and why
are they a source of derision?

RUKEYSER: “The elves” is a term that I
invented to refer to technical market
analysts. Those are the people in Wall
Strect who will take a squiggle on a
chart, a wriggle on a graph, a little piece
of witclrs hair and a of eye of newt,
put them all together in a steaming vat,
and then purport to tell you where Gen-
eral Motors will close a week from next
"Thursday. There are those people who

take that kind of thing very seriously
and I guarantee that if you follow that
index religiously and use it as the central
guide to your own investing behavior, it
will be right. Sometimes.

PLAYBOY: Do you feel it's your duty to
pester those staid brokers, bankers and
economists who appear on your shows?
RUKEYSER: Yes; I try to needle the stuffy.
With some people, whose reputations
have exceeded their achievements, the
one unforgivable thing to do is to cite
their actual forecasting records. Really,
there are only two categories of. people
in Wall Street: the ones who've been
absolutely wrong about the market at
times and the liars. And generally, the
subject has been treated with altogether
too much somberness, and that has often
been a disguise for poor results. So I try
to poke a little fun at those fellows. I'm
there for the viewer, and if the fat cats
don’t like it, that’s their headache.

рглүвоу: Do the fat cats scratch back?
mUkEYSER; Every time I mention the
name of any political figure, we get
angry mail. Some people suggest we
ought to stay out of politics, and my re-
sponse to them is that I will be happy to
stay out of politics if the politicians will
stay out of the economy.

However, I'm deeply grateful to our
‘al leaders and cconomic leaders,
ide me each week with more
raw material for comedy than an entire
team of writers could provide. If you
had to invent those fellows, it would be
hard work.

Aren't you glad you didn't
have to invent Joseph Granville?

RUKEYSER: He is just the latest in a long.
line of people who claim to be able to
call short-term stockanarket movements.
By now, it should be evident that the
market has stubbornly and repeatedly
refused to honor his forecasts. Of course.
his personality is refreshingly flamboy-
ant in an industry thought to be rather
drab. Without the merchants of doom

and gloom, I would certainly have а lot. 163

PLAYBOY

fewer people of whom to make fun, But
I find them diverting in the same way
1 find a horror movie di That's
a great way for а person with no partic-
ular expertise to make a living. And
when people hear that kind of predic
tion, they think they're getting the inside
story. 1, on the other hand, do think
that we'll muddle through.

Im not by nature a sadistic person,
but I would like to make a cruel sug-
gestion: Ignore Joseph Granville.

10.

rLAYBoY: People are obsessed with finan-

1 matters—in the same way they а
obsessed by ех. Do you see any relation
between the two?

RUKEYSER: Sex and money are the two
chief interests of the average person.
Money is sexy. We saw that for gene
tions in the mating habits of gorgeous
women who selected men who were old,
fat and ugly but who had that intensely
erotic quality—wealth. In recent years,
as women have discovered the pleasures
of collecting а few bucks for themselve:
we have seen both sides of the croi
spectrum extend into the financial
sphere. And, incidentally, I find that
women аге better at this than men. One
of the biggest myths in the financial
business is that it's basically a male pro-
fession and that women should dutifully
take advice from the highly experienced
male professionals. The reality is quite
different. Those women who have taken
investment seriously have tended, on
average, to do better at it than the
average man,

п.

PLAYBOY: Do you have groupies?
RUKEYSER: Yes; but they all seem to be
over 80 and living on fixed incomes.

12.

PLAYBOY: What are your favorite turn-
ons?

RUKEYSER: My wife and daughters and а
capital gain. I also get secret salacious
satisfactions out of good food and wines.
In the carly days of Wall Street. Week,
onc of the first signs that we were at-
tracting a substantial audience was when
we passed the Julia Child show in num-
bers of viewers. And a television colum-
nist, on the theory that everyone's a
backbiter in this business, telephoned
me and asked me what I thought about
that achievement. And I said that I
hadn't met Julia Child but admired her
tremendously and if she were half as
interested in money as F was in food, we
would get along fine.

13.
Would you want your daugh-

PLAYBO!

164 ter to marry a stockbroker?

RUKEYSER: If his other habits were good.
M.

PLAYBOY: What is your hedge against
inflation?

RUKEYSER: Living well. For example, if
you can aflord a Rolls-Royce, which I
cannot, that's a very good investment.
Not only may the car itself increase in
value but, meanwhile, the Government
cannot tax the psychic satisfaction you
get from driving it. Beyond that, all the
wonderful wines Гус drunk and all those
terrific terrines are іп the сагеро!
“They can't take that away from me." I
don’t mean you should fall away into
hedonism, particularly if you've got
people who depend on you, but I think
we shouldn't forget about the here
and now.

PER

PLavnoy: Do you gamble?

RUKEYSER: I love to gamble. I get a litle
bit less of a kick out of it now than I
used to, because I can't be at the tables
in Las Vegas for 20 minutes before six
pcople have said to me, as if it were the
funniest remark of the year, “Hey, you
find this a better death than Wall
Street?” But I've gambled all over the
world. I don't gamble with the milk
nd I don't tell myself that it's

mone

а form of investment. Its a form of
pleasure.

16.
PLAyBoy: What is more important than
money?

RUKEYSER: A lot of things. Your family's
more important than money; your per-
sonal sense of yourself; your ability to
live with yourself. But топеу not to be
sneered at. Money itself can be liberat-
ing. I always tell people not to overem-
phasize money. But I've found in my
own life, living all over the world, secing
people of all economic statuses, living
among them, that one of the best ways
to keep money in perspective is to have
a little bit of it. If youre concerned
about where your next meal is coming
from, that will obsess you beyond any
other ion in life. H you've
been able to mak buck or two, then
maybe you'll have time to go to a concert
or an art gallery or to read a book.

17.

rLAYBOY: Isn't there something of the
guru somewhere inside Louis Rukeyser?
RUKEYSER: I don’t stare at my navel a
deal of the time, but my real pr
diction is that the Eighties will be the
decade of common stocks. The Govern-
ment has pretty well mucked up the
American economy, and 1 would favor a
litle less mucking up in the next gen-
tion. Our needs will be served by a

greater degree of individual liberty than
as been customary in this or any other
society. We also have to get over the idea
that business is the enemy, that profits
are antisocial and that capitalism is a
dirty word. The key to better living is
a healthy private economy. Government
never created prosperity lor anyone.

18.

rLAYBOY: Can you shed some light on
the current state of the economy? We
thought business types had put one of
their own in the Oval Office. Yet they
don’t scem to be as rich or as happy 45
they'd like.

ипккузкн: The chief problem is that

his mouth is. He's often talked revolu-
tion, but his proposals have turned out

to be popguns, The financial markets
caught on to this before the press did
and they got scared. Reagan wasn't really
doing it. Hatchet jobs make for hi
lines, but early on, seven major progr
were exempted from budget cuts at the
same time there was supposed to be a
defense increase. All the cuts occurred
in the “easy” part of the budget. The
fact that you've managed to inflict pain
on individuals doesn’t mean thar you've
made an attack on the runaway portions
of the budget. We simply have to reduce
the portion of our incomes that goes to
the Federal Government.

Now, Wall Street is not exclusively
inhabited by mossback Republicans.
When economic conditions are right, the
financial markets will perform with en.
thusiasm under a Democratic president
When conditions are wrong, as N
and Ford found out, Wall Street won't
let supposed partisan loyalty stand in
the way of giving a raspberry to the
Соус at of the day. Moncy is more
serious than politics.

19.

PLayoy: Will you give us a hot tip?
RUKEYSER: I was pleased to sce that the
excessive overpricing of some of the
great wines has receded. 1 remember 12
years ago, I paid $19 for a truly great
bottle of wine. Five years later, the same
wine was selling for $200 a bottle. I was
delighted to see last year it was down
below $100. If the price keeps going
down, I may buy another.

20.
rLAYBov: How about pi
for us?

RUKEYSER: Romanée-Conti. When I dic,
Га like my ashes to be scattered over la
domaine de la Romanée-Conti, But I'm
sure the proprictors, with their good
sense about what helps the wine, will

forbid it.

g an issue

m when you find the love of
your life, you get lost all over
again. Lost in the confusion of

£X choosingaring. After

fom» all you're experts
on each other, not
on diamonds.

But you don't have to be
diamond experts yourselves, if
you go to the people gg
who are: Zales.

Zales controls f Ф
every diamond, every “step of jd
way. We select our stones in the
rough and cut them
for maximum brilliance.

‘7

We polishand 2
mount them by
hand, in settings
selected as carefully as the
diamonds themselves.

By the time a Zale diamond
ting is ready for you, we're certain
that it meets the Ze -
highest standards. ii X ind
Socertainthat ^^ ^ Р

we back it with our ninety-day
refund policy. And that makes

“finding the perfect ring as simple

as E the nearest Zales.

Rings shown priced from
$760 to $16,025.

ZALES

THE DIAMOND STORE

IS ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW.

PLAYBOY

BOOM DREAMS

(continued from page 118)

“You just about have to drink whiskey in this town,

anyway,’ said Scortch. “Have you tried the water:

o»

this neighborhood are evidence, if you
need it, that the character of a town is
made by what it does for a living and
by how long it expects to be in business.

[he ranchers who settled this place ob-
viously expected to pass it along to
someone, so they built their houses,
shops, restaurants and their one hotel
out of brick, and they planted shade.
New Gillette surrounds the old village
like a badly kept storage yard. Most of
what you see on a drive through looks
as if it could be trucked away almost as
casily as it was trucked in, and nobody
seems to be planting anything.

That night, on Ше way to The Stock-
man's bar to have a drink, I spotted two
bumper stickers, The first was on a red
Porsche 914 and it said simply, and
almost plaintively, Native. The other
was on a big Chevy pickup that was
driven by a pretty little blow-dry prin-
cess and it said, TREE MY DOG.

Stockman’s is an old downtown saloon,
a large, brightly lit room with nine pool
tables and a Jong bar at which you can
get a 30-cent beer. Ве Smith is the
manager, and his clientele is mixed,
including a lot of people on the down
end of life in Gillette.

“I have to be father, brother, doctor
and shrink" he told me. “And there's
no pawnshop in town, so sometimes I'm
that. But I scc dramatic changes of
fortune all the time. You spot a guy a
beer when he gets into town broke, and
a month later he shows up in a brand-
new truck, new clothes, buying drinks
for everybody. And I see it go the other
too, of course. But Gillette isn't a
bad town. There's no unity to it, though.
The churches hate the bars, the cowboys
hate the long-hairs, It’s two towns, really.
See that guy over there?" He was р
ing to a young man with long blond
hair and a fat lower lip that had fresh
stitches in it. “He walked into a cowboy
bar and asked for change.”

‘The next day, around noon, I picked
up two men, a woman and a child who
were hitchhiking into town from one of
the outlying trailer parks. The men had
rough beards and long hair, and they
were dressed in work clothes that had
seen a thousand hours in a very dirty
place. They were oil hands, on a day
off, on their way to a party, they said,
and if I wanted to mect some Gillette
people, I ought to come along. Not
native lette people, one of them

166 added quickly. He didn't actually know

anyone who was borm and raiscd in
town. He thought lie knew one guy who
was native of Wyoming, though. 1
asked him what life in Razor City was
like. "Lots of drugs, no pussy,” he said.

The house we stopped at was a blue
prefab box with a living room, dining
room and kitchen upstairs and two bed-
rooms below that. It sat on a bare dirt
rectangle in a block with 20 houses
cxactly like it except for their colors.
Ups round a kitchen table, a dozen
people, two of them women, were laugh-
ing and talking, drinking beer from a
keg and smoking cheap marijuana,
which in Gillette costs $50 а bag.

I met Burt, a conductor on the Bur-
lington Northern coal trains, who had
red beard big enough for quail to hide
in and who wore а cowboy hat over his
Jong hair; Wild Bill, also a conductor,
nd a biker who wore a black-leather
jacket and a blackleather сар with а
skull on it and who kept his wallet teth-
ered to his belt by a chrome cha Lee,
an adolescentlooking kid from Minne-
sota who was out of work at the moment
but who thought he might get back
on a rig any day; and Scortch, a nervous
oil hand who kept looking at his watch
because, he said, he was duc in court
that afternoon for trial on a charge of
heroin possession.

Then, for two hours or so, the conver-
sation jumped back and forth around
the room as cach of them offered hi
tions about the character o£ the town.

It was a hard-drinking town, they s
and the bars and liquor stores offered
plenty of incentives in case you weren't
already inclined to take a little juice at
the end of a hard shift. The keg we
were drinking out of was free, they said.
from one ol the bottle shops that gave
you a barrel of becr for every $350 you
spent with them.

“Lots of [rec booze in the bars, 100,"
Burt said. “They all have gimmicks to
bring the women in, because if they get
them, they know damn well the men
will be right behind. So a place like the
Ramada runs a ladies’ night on Tues-
nd Thursdays where the women
drink for nothing between nine and mid-
night. And over at The Mine Shaft a
couple of months ago, they had a deal
where everybody drank for free between
seven and nine состу night. That got a
little out of hand and they had to 4
it, though.”

“You just about have to drink whiskey
in this town, anyway,” said Scortch.

Have you tried the water
1 told him that 1 had and it had made
me gag.

"Have you scen the chunks of crap
that drop down out of the ice cubes in
your drink? Thav’s bad water. First three
weeks I was here, I had diarrhea you
would not believe. When I stopped
drinking the water, it cleared right up.”

1 asked them if it would be сазу for
a guy like me, say, to get a job. They
pretty much agreed it would be harder

this February than it is most winter
months. Hadn't really turned cold yet,
they said, and it hadn't really snowed,
so most of the workers who ordinarily
took off for home when the weather got
hard were still in town. But t
was always high in a place
they said, and there were jobs if you
really wanted them. if you could afford.
to wait around for a month or two in
a town where a trailer rents for $500
a month and up—if you can find onc.

Jobs in the oil patch. they told me,
are dirty, hard and dangerous. Then
they talked for a while about a friend
of theirs who had been killed a month
before, and another who had been put
оп crutches when the rig they were work-
ing on blew up under them

“But the wages is good,” said Lee.
Even low man on the rig can make 580
or $90 a day, plus you can get all the
overtime you want.

I told him it sounded good, except
the part about the dead guy.

“Sounds good. yeah,” Lee said. “But
you still can't save nothing, least 1 can't.
Get a check for $1200 or 51500 every
two weeks and it's gone in two days
with the prices around her:

When I asked, they said you could
always get any kind of drugs you wanted.
and that the town was full of stoners.

“I don't know one person who works
on the rigs who is straight,” said Lec-
“You gotta be stoned to stand it. No
that's not truc. I do know one guy who
never gets high, but he's crazy. He was
on the rig one night, said he looked
over to Devils Lower—that’s 50 miles
ng cowboys and
Indians chasing cach other all around
the top of the thing."

Burt told me that working for the
railroad was pretty casy compared with
jobs in the oil patch. Both he and Wild
Bill rode caboose duty on the mile-long:
coal trains that run from the mines to
Moorcroft, 100 miles cast.

“Nothing to it,” said Wild Bill. “Just

jump on the train, smoke some dope,
ау your guitar, listen to some music.
1 could do that job, I thought to
myself. I don't play guitar, but I сап
listen to music, and 1 could probably
learn to smoke dope on a regular basis
if I had to.

cast—said he saw glow

(continued on page 200)

НЕШ TO SURVIVE fi THE
AEDE БЕРЕ ФӘПЮЕЕ

just when those bleeping beasts have you on the run, here comes
some sure-fire advice to help you stand your ground

article

Bu UBHLTER LIWE, JR.
IN THIS ERA of mediocre dangers, truly great risk comes as a matter of course only to criminals, lovers and revolu-
tionarics. The rest of us have to search for it,
The wealthy can afford extravagant dangers: race cars, bang gliders, cocaine. But there are cheaper ways
to be a hero. Thanks to the microchip and the major American manufacturers of vidco games, anyone with a
measly quarter can purchase entry into his very own dangerous world. Learning to survive in that world, however,

HLUSTRATION RY SCOTT GUSTAFSON

UHAT SERT OF
Man VENTS
DEFENDER

eugene jarvis is a self-proclaimed
nerd—the kind who’s taking over this
world by creating worlds of his own

Until the fall of 1980. Williams Elec-
tronics limited its production pretty much
to solid-state pinball machines, While Atari
Stern Electronics, Balls Midway Manu-
facturing Company and other game manu-
facturers were making a killing on games
such as Space Invaders, Pac-Man, Asteroids
and Berzerk, Williams hadn't even mar-
keted its first video game. But when it did,
the game was а доолу.

When Defender debuted at the annual
Amusement and Music Operators Associa-
tion convention at the end of October 1980,
the initial industry reaction was that it
was too complicated, a very fancy disaster.
By the following June, however, Defender
was the top video game in the country, the
one that brought in more quarters per
week than any other game on the market.

And despite their early snickers, Wil-
liams' compctitors had to give it credit.
“For a first effort, and particularly for a
game designed in house,” concedes Stan
Jarocki, Midway's director of marketing,
“Defender is amazing.”

Eugene Jarvis isn't a bit surprised. Jarvis,
27, is the man who designed Defender along
with another Williams Electronics com-
puter-science whiz named Sam Dicker. How
does Jarvis feel about making so important
a contribution to the contemporary culture?

“It’s a rush,” he says.

A native Californian, Jarvis graduated
in 1976 from the (continued on page 230 )

may cost many quarters. Which is to say that іп some e
ways, even imaginary worlds are a lot like the real one.

Take the world of the Pac-Man, for instance. Like a
lot of Americans, Pac-Man eats on the run and loves his „ e
dessert. He doesn't bother anybody and doesn't want any-
body bothering him—but there are four ghosts who relentless-
ly pursue him through the maze of his life, trying to gobble him
up. During 1981, Americans spent $8,000,000 per week to play
Pac-Man. That's $8,000,000 in quarters, mind you, which means
that over a 52-week period, U.S. citizens made more than a
billion and a half conscious decisions to leave this world and
enter the world of a cartoon character who looks like a yellow
dot with a mouth.

This tells you five important things. One is that if you've
never played Pac-Man, someone you know has. Another is that
if you haven't, the odds are vou will. The third is that when
you do, you're going to [eel like a wimp when vour friends
(your girlfriend, even) can at least get to the second peach. The
fourth is that playing Pac-Man well is obviously more difficult

than it looks, or it wouldn't have been playcd by so many

people for so long. The fifth is that to get past the wimp

stage by trial and error will cost you a fistful of dollars—
changed into quarters, of course.

Unless you know the patterns. And that's where we come in.
Later, we'll give you tips on how to beat three of the most cur-
rently popular video games: Pac-Man, Centipede and Defender.

If you've never played those games, it could cost you $20 or
more (that's 80 quarters to you, chum) just to get your score ир
to 10,000 on all of them. But with a few tips, you can cut your
learning time—and expense—in half. You can also amaze your
buddies, dazzle your gir] and win friends. Do not, however, try
to win money. This will be a rookie сош зе.

But before you begin, you'd beuer know what you're up
against. First of all, there's the manufacturer. He isn't exactlv
your enemy, vou understand. He wants you to like his game
enough to try it again after you've risked your first quarter—and
be challenged by it enough to keep playing it hundreds of
times. By no means, though, does he want you to beat the game.
The manufacturer keeps score by what people in the coin-
operated-game industry call game life, which is the length of

time a game continues to earn enough money to
mm justify its space іп an arcade, tavern or shopping
center. When people figure out a game, they get
bored with it; when that happens, the game "dies"
and, profitwise, there's nothing deader than a dead game.
Another thing the manufacturer doesn't want is an
otherwise challenging game with a hidden flaw that al-
lows a player to keep raping the machine for more time
without using much skill. (Atari's classic Asteroids con-
tained just such a flaw, which resulted in almost daily
headlines about some compulsive wretch in one city or
another spending a day and a half playing Asteroids
nonstop.) Ideally for the manufacturer, as well as for
video-game operators and distributors, a game will last
between one minute (for beginners) and five minutes
(for experienced players), or an average of about two

% and a half minutes. Therefore, no matter
what your score, if you can play any coin- ір

operated video game for longer than two
and a half minutes, you've beaten it from
the standpoint of the people who want
your quarters.

The second thing you're up ара

nst is the machine itself,

"That's the brain of the game, and іс
on silicon chips about the size of a piece of Dentyne gum. The
chips and a standard circuit board contain the most fiendish
thoughts of professional video-game addicts, many of whom
have degrees in computer technology from places like UCLA,
Stanford and Tokyo University. These people are paid by the
manufacturers to sit around all day, trying to think up games
that won't just entertain you but will beat you many, many
nes before you start beating them. Furthermore, these com-
puter whizzes try to design games that'll obsess you
so much that you can't stop playing, cven i
you're beating the machine. So if you can , .
play it for several minutes and walk away
from it after five or six games, you've ©
foiled both the program and the pro- .
grammer. (Of course, the machine has aw a x
other ways of beating you—literally: See .
box at right.)

Finally, there's the psychological factor: If the theme of the
game doesn't appeal to you, you're not going to give it your
best. eff so you experiment to find out which kind of game
best satisfies your own peculiar fantasies. There are five basic
types of video games: d g games; cannon-base games such
as Space Invaders and Centipede; rotating-center-cannon games
such as As ide-projected-rocket games such as Defender,
Super Cobra and Scramble; and maze games such
as Pac-Man, Berzerk and Crazy Climber. Obviously, 25]
there's a vast psycholog p” between the

those of running and and the all-powerful pilot of the
Defender spaceship, who can fly his rocket in cither direction,
pick up men and put them down, shoot, bomb and move at
will into another dimension. While both games offer unique
challenges, most people will find that, after playing each game
a few times, they'll have a definite preference for one or the
other.

The three games we're going to help you learn to play we
chosen for two reasons: They're the most popular games
their types right now; and each offers a. psychological satisfac-
tion distinctly different from the, two others. That means you'll
have a better chance of finding one you want to learn to play
well than if we'd chosen three side-projected-rocket games or
three maze games.

Now that you know what you're up against, have your quar-
ters ready, loosen your tie (and your wrists) and get set to learn
the laws of survival in three dangerous worlds.

Pac-Man was created by the Japanese, so right away you know

you're up against an inscrutable opponent. The game was licensed

by Midway Manufacturing Company in August of

Е w 1980, and more than 100,000 have been

PRLRYIFEE
WITH PRIN

ask any video hot-shot—getting good
at the games requires a certain,
ah, physical investment

No one has ever achieved anything great
without enduring pain, and that holds true
for those who aspire to record-breaking
scores on video games.

But the pain is more than generalized
muscle ache from standing in one place for
a long time. Look at any veteran Defender
player's left hand, for instance, and you'll
see the telltale signs of his addiction, just
as a brown spot on the thumb gives away
the inveterate marijuana smoker. The De-
fender player will have a blister or a callus
on the top knuckle of his index finger, the
result of that finger’s banging against the
machine during a rapid flight pattern; a
callus on the inside of the same knuckle
from rubbing against the toggle—or joy
stick, as its sometimes called—that con-
trols the height of the rocket; a blister or a
callus on the inside of the thumb, also from
the joy stick; and a callus on the heel of the
hand right under the left pinkie where the
hand rests on the machine. Nor does
the right hand of the Defender player
remain unscathed. Whichever two fingers
he uses to press the THRUST and FIRE but-
tons are likely to be red and slightly swolles
Even PacMan, a game with no buttons
and only one lever, will create a sore—the
renowned “Pac-Man blister"—on the inside
of the player’s right index finger.

But the hands are only the beginning.
Next, there are the wrists and the shoulders.
The syndrome known to doctors in the late
Seventies as “Space Invaders’ wrist" could
now be called (concluded on page 240)

PLAYBOY

170

sold in the U.S.

A large part of the game's sustained
sales can be attributed to its popularity
among women. Until Pac-Man came
along, video games were almost exclu-
sively played by men. But, as Stan
Jarocki, Midway's director of marketing,
says, “Pac-Man is cule, not violent.

Presumably, women like cute. “It
caught on with women unlike any other
machine Гуе seen,” says Sue England,
owner of Silver Sue's clectronicgame
room, one of the largest and best-known
game rooms in Chicago. "In the evening,
it's not unusual for four or five women,
just off work, to go out for a drink, then
соте to the game room for some Pac
Man."

It hasn't taken men very long to catch
on to that pattern; a young man ме
know who has tricd every method known
to man of picking up girls swears by
the game. "These days," he says, “you
don't need a line. All you have to do
is ask a lady if she'd like to play a little
PacMan. That gets you together, gives

you something to laugh about, without
an awkward introduction. I can't say I
love the game, but for me, playing it
has been, shall we say, a social necessity.”
Pac-Man is a maze game, the aim of
which is to get the little yellow dot you
control with a single lever to eat all
the smaller dots (ten points each) with-
out getting eaten by the four hungry
ghosts, Inky, Blinky, Pinky and Clyde.
When the Pac Man cats a 50-point energy
dot (Шеге опе in cach corner of the
playing arca). he gets to cat the four
ghosts if he can catch them. Points dou-
ble for each ghost devoured, the first one
worth 200 and the last one scoring 1600.
Each of the pursuing ghosts has a dif-
ferent personality, which will influence
the flow of the game. The bluc one (Inky)
is often called Bashful, because he
tends to direct confrontation.
He's likely to veer away just as it looks
as though he's caught the Pac-Man. The
red onc (Blinky) is nicknamed Speedy,
because he's the fastest ghost and the
only one who can outrun the Pac-Man.

avoid

“Have you euer noticed, John,
that people of по particular merit ате
often insufferably conceited, whereas terrific folks
like you and me aren't?"

The pink one (Pinky, of course) is nick-
named Shadow, because, unlike the blue
ghost, he's always headed for
Man, no matter how the PacMan n
neuvers. The orange ghost (Clyde) is
sometimes called Poky, because he's
the slowest.

Each time the Pac-Man swallows up
all the dots in the maze, he gets to
pause and then face a brand-new
"board." Each successive board offers
extra bonus points but is generally
harder than the last—the ghosts pick up
speed as the game goes along.

The player gets extra bonus points for
g the series of targets that appear
periodically in the center of the maze.
The center targets begin with different
fruits (cherries, strawberry, peaches, ap-
ples, limes), then get rather bizarre with
the appearance of something that re-
sembles a bowl of pudding, though some
people think it's a flower, a torch, a star-
ship or Galaxian, the main squadron
leader from the Midway game. We like
pudding better, since the others are in-
digestible. Then come bells, followed by
keys. The values of these center targets,
key components in racking up points,
are as follows

Board 1: Cherries, 100 points
Board 2: Strawberry, 300 points
Board 3: Peach, 500 points
Board 4: Peach, 500 po
: Apple, 700 po
: Apple, 700 points

B nc, 1000 points
Board 8: Lime, 1000 points
Board 9: Pudding, 2000 points
Board 10: Pudding, 2000 points
Board 11: Bell, 3000 points
Board 12: Bell, 3000 points
Board 13: Key, 5000 points

Each prize appears on the screen twice
during each board (though all boards
after number 12 offer keys), so that it's
possible to get double the bonus points
allotted to cach prize—tor instance, you
could get 10,000 points on board 13,
just by cating the two key:

But getting lots of points doesn't
necessarily prolong your play in Pac-
Man. Clearing the maze does. Thats
because you get onc extra Pac-Man at
10,000 points, and that's all. Since you're
allotted a maximum of four of the little
lemonheads per game, no matter how
many points you score, your first objec
tive is to keep cach Pac-Man "alive" as
long as possible.

One excellent player we know offers
the following strategy: "Forget about
getting points through the first three
mazes. If you can eat a few ghosts, fine.
If you can eat the bonus fruits, fine. But
don't get caught. Keep moving, even if it

(continued on page 228)

Е ==

It was a very good year.

PLAYBOY’S ROVING EYE

Caughtin a genetic time warp, Pia Zadora has been tabbed a woman-child.
In truth, she’s a veteran of the Broadway stage and night clubs, where she
performs a sizzling song-and-dance act. Movies, a new phase for

could be the one that launches her ship. She already has a second
Fake-Out, scheduled; that one co-stars Telly Savalas of Kojak fame.

Her Heart Belongs to Daddy

Say, isn't that the girl from the Dubonnet ads on TV? Indubitably, boob.

tuber. Her пате is Pia Zadora and the answer to your next questioi

The answer to the one after that is, yes, she is; her husband is кые
Meshulam Riklis, who owns the jera Hotel in Las Vegas.

making her movie debut in a steamy and controversial flick called

Butterfly with a monster cast that includes Stacy Keach, Orson Welles

and the Nevada desert. The subject is incest, handled with style.

The movie gets down to business in an old mining shack on the
Arizona-Nevada border, where Pia shows up one day to find her long-
lost father, portrayed by Keach. The father-daughter relationship,
eroded by time, succumbs to baser instincts. This was no cushy film
location, either; the temperature in the desert reached 126 degrees.

In a scene (above) with almost palpable sexual
tension, Keach finds cleanliness next to impos-
sible when confronted with the physical charms
of the new arrival. Following this and other
encounters, the father is brought to trial for
incest. The judge is played by Orson Welles.

Reminiscent of the
sex kittens of the Fif-
ties, Zadora evokes
both sympathy and
lust on the screen.
Sensuous Pia and the
no-holds-barred
script could make
Butterfly, based on а
James M. Cain story,
the year’s most
argued-about movie.

PLAYBOY

174

MY MISTRESS (continued from page 142)

“I tried to do an imitation of a man giving in to a
woman, because my thirst for her embarrassed me.”
> )

know someone like me.” Billy's response
to this is pure silence.

Once in а while, she quotes him о
the subject of the stock market. If life
were not so complicated, I might very
well be calling him up for tips. I hunt
for signsof him on Billy—jewelry, marks,
phrases, I know that he reads astronomy
books for pleasure, enjoys crosscountry
skiing and likes to travel, Billy says she
loves him, but she also says she loves
several paintings in the Museum of
Modern Art.

If you love him so mucl
taking 2 page from her book,
you hanging around with me?”

"Hanging around, " Billy says in a
bored monotone.

“Well:

“ "Lam large and contain multitudes,’
she says, misquoting a line from Walt
Whitman.

This particular conversation took
place en route to a cottage in Vermont
that I had rented for a weck when both
Grey and Vera were going to be away
for ten days.

1 remember clearly with what happy
anticipation ] presented the idea of this
cottage to her.

"Guess what," I said.

“You're pregnant," said Billy.

“I have rented a little cottage for us,
in Vermont, For a weck, when Grey and
Vera are away on their long trips. We
can go there and watch the leaves turn."

“Great,” said Billy faintly. She looked
away and didn't speak for some timc.

"We don't have to go, Billy," I said.
“1 only sent the check yesterday. I can
cel it."

There appeared to be tcars їп my
mistress eyes.

"No," she said. "Don't do that. I'll
split it with you.

You don't seem pleased," I said.

"Pleased," said Billy. "Being pleased
doesn't strike me as the appropriate re-
sponse to the idea of going off to a love
nest with your lover."

"What is the appropriate response?”
Isaid.

“Oh,” said Billy, her voice now blithe,
"sorrow, guilt, craving, glec, horror,
anticipatioi

Well, she can run, but she can't hide.
My mistress is given away from time to
time by her own expressions. No matter
how hard she tries to suppress the visi-
ble evidence of what she feels, she is not
always successful. Her eyes turn color,
becoming dark and rather smoky. This
is as good as a plain declaration of love.
Billy's mental life, her grumpiness, her

I say,
"why are

irritability, her crotchets are like static
that from time to time give way to a
clear signal, just as you often hit a pure
band of music on a car radio after
turning the dial through a lot of chaotic
squawk.

Ín French movies of a certain period,
Ше lovers аге эсеп leaving the woman's
apartment or house. His car is parked on
an attractive side street. She is carrying a
wearing a silk scarf
around her neck. He is carrying the
ker basket she has packed with their
picnic lunch. They will have the sort of
food lovers have for lunch in these
movies: а roast chicken, a bottle of
champagne and a cheese wrapped up in
leaves. Needless to say, when Billy and I
finally left to go to our love nest, no
such sight presented itself to me. First of
all, she met me around the corner from
my garage alter a number of squabbles
about whose car to take. My car is bigger,
so 1 won. I found her on an unattractive
side street, which featured a renta-car
place and an animal hospital. Second of
all, she was wearing an old skirt, her old
jacket and was carrying a canvas over-
night bag. No lacy underwear would be
withdrawn from it, I knew. My mistress
buys her white-cotton undergarments at
the five-and-ten-cent store. She wears an
old T-shirt of Grey's to sleep in, she
tells me.

For lunch we had hamburgers—no
romantic rural inn or picnic spot tor
us—at Hud's Burger Hut on Route 22.

"We go to some swell places,” Billy
said.

As we drew closer to our destination,
Billy began to fidget, reminding me that
having her along was sometimes not un-
like traveling with a small child.

In the nearest town to our love nest,
we stopped and bought cofiee, milk.
sugar and corn flakes. Because I am a
domestic animal and not a mere savage,
I remembered to buy bread, buuer,
cheese, salami, eggs and a number of cans
of tomato soup.

Billy surveyed these items with a
raised eyebrow.

“This is the sort of stuff you buy when
you intend to stay indoors and kick up а
storm of passion," she said.

It was ап ollyear Election Day—Con-
gresiondl and Senate races were being
run, We had both voted, in fact, before
taking off. Our love nest had a radio I
instantly switched on to hear if there
were any carly returns while we gave the
place a cursory glance and put the gro-
ceries away. Then we flung ourselves
onto the unmade bed for which I had

thoughtfully remembered to pack sheets.

When our storm of passion had sub-
sided, my mistress stared impassively at
the ceiling.

“In bed with Frank and Billy,” she
intoned. “It was Election Day, and Frank

nd Billy were once again in bed. Elec-
tion returns meant nothing to them. The
future of their great nation was inconse-
quential; so busy were they flinging
themselves at each other, they could

arely be expected to think for one зес-
ond of any larger issue. The subjects
to which these trained economists could
have spoken, such as inflationary spirals
or deficit budgeting, were as mere dust.”
Shut up, Billy," I said.

She did shut up. She put on my shirt
and went off to the kitchen. When she
returned, she had two cups of coffee and
a plate of toasted-cheese sandwiches on a
tray. With the exception of her dinner
party, this was the first meal J had ever
had at her hands.

"I'm starving,” she said, getting under
the covers. We polished off our snack,
propped up with pillows. I asked Billy
if she might like a second cup of coffee
and she gave me a look of remorse and
desire that made my head spin.

Maybe you wanted to go out for
dinner,” she said. “You like a proper

i Then she burst into tears. “Г

I'm
she said. These were words I had

" I said. "Sorry for what?”

I didn't ask you what you wanted to
do," my mistress said. "You might have
wanted to take a walk, or go for a drive,
or look around the house, or make the
bed."

I stared at her.

I don't want a second cup of coffee,"
Billy said. "Do you?"

I got her drift and did not get out of
bed. I tried to do an imitation of a man
giving in to a woman, because, in fact,
my thirst for her embarrassed me and I
did not mind imagining that it was
her thirst 1 was being kind enough to
quench, but the forthrightness of her
desire for me melted my heart.

During that weck, none of my expec-
tations came to pass. We did not, for
cxample, have long talks about our re-
spective marriages or our future together
or apart. We did not discover what our
domestic life might be like. We lived
like graduate students, or mice, and not
like normal people at all, but like lovers.
We kept odd hours and lived off sand-
wiches. We stayed in bed and both were
glad that it rained four days out of five.
When the sun came out, we went for a
walk and watched the leaves turn. From
time to time, I would switch on the
radio to find out what the news com-
mentators were saying about the election
results.

Because of this historic time,” Billy
said, “you will never be able to forget
me. It is a rule of life that care must be

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PLAYBOY

176

taken in choosing whom one will be in

bed with during Great Moments in

History. You are now stuck with me and

this week of important Congressional

elections twined in your mind forever.”
.

It was in the car on the way home that
the subject of what we were doing to-
gether came up. It was twilight and we
had both been rather silent.

“This is the end of the line,” said
Billy.

“What do you mean?” I said. “Do you
mean you want to break this up?

"No," said Billy. "It would be nice,
though, wouldn't it?”

“No, it would not be nice,” I said.

“I think it would,” s: Billy. "Then
Y wouldn't spend all my time wondering
what we are doing together when I could.
be thinking about other things, like the
future of the dollar."

“What do you tl
together?" I said.

“It’s simple,” said Billy. "Some people
have dogs or kitty cats. You're my pet.”

“Come on.”

“OK, youre right. Those are only
child substitutes. You're my child sub-
stitute until I can make up my mind
about having a child."

At this, my blood does freeze. Whose
1 does she want to have?

Every now and then, when overcome
with tenderness—on these occasions na-
ked, carried away and looking at each

k we are doing

other with sweetness in our eyes—my
mistress and I smile dreamily and re-
alize that if we dwelled together for more
than a week, in the real world and not
in some love nest, we would soon lear
10 hate each other. It would never work.
We both know it. She is too relentlessly
dour and too fond of silence. J prefer
false cheer to no cheer and I like con-
versation over dinner no matter what.
Furthermore, we would never have prop-
er meals, and although I cannot cook,
1 like to dine. I would soon resent her
Jack of interest in domestic arrangements
and she would resent me for resenting
her. Furthermore, Billy is a slob. She
does not leave the towels lying on the
bathroom floor, but she throws them
over the shower curtain any old way,
instead of folding them or hanging them
properly so they can dry. It is things like
is actually the symbolic content
of things like this—that squash out
romance over а period of time.

As for Billy, she often sneers at me.
She finds many of my opinions quaint.
She laughs up her sleeve at mc, often
actually unbuttoning her cuff button
(when the button is actually on the cuff)
to demonstrate laughing up her sleeve.
She thinks I am an old-time domestic
fascist. She refers to me as “an old-style
heterosexual throwback” or “old hetero"
because I like to pay for dinner, open
car doors and often call her at night
when Grey is out of town to make sure
she is safe. The day the plumber came

“And if I may end my summation on
a personal note, Your Honor, Га like to say that
blue is definitely your color.”

10 fix a leak in the sink, I called several
times.

He's gone," Billy said, "and he left
big, greasy paw prints all over me." She
found this funny, but I did not.

After a while, I believe I would be
driven nuts and she would come to
loathe me. My household is well run and
well regulated. I like routine and I
things to go along smoothly. We employ
a flawless person by the name of Mrs.
lvy Castle, who has been flawlessly run-
ning our house for some time. She is an
excellent housekeeper and a marvelous
cook. Our relations with her are formal.

The Delielles employ a feckless person
called MimrAnn Browning. who comes
in once а week to push the dust around.
Mimi-Ann hates routine and schedules
and is constantly changing the days of
the people she works for. It is quite
something to hear Billy on the telephone
with her.

“Oh, Mimi-Ann,” she will say, “please
don't switch me, I beg you. I have to
Íced some friends of Grey's and the house
is really disgusting. Please, Mimi. I'll do
anything. I'll do your mother-indaw's
tax return. ГЇЇ be your eternal slavc.
Please. Oh, thank you, Mimi. Thank you
a million times.”

Now, why, I ask myself, does my mis-
tress never speak to me like that?

In that sad twilight on the way home
from our weck together, I asked myself,
as I am always asking myself: Could 1
exist in some ugly flat with my cheerless
mistress? I could not, as my mistress was
the first to point out.

She said that the expression on my
face at thc sight of the towels thrown
over the shower-curtain rod was similar
to what you might find on the face of a
vegetarian walking through an abattoir.
She said that the small doses we got of
cach other made it possible for us to
have a love affair but that a taste of
ordinary life would do us both in. She
correctly pointed out that our only real
common interest was each other, since
we had such vast differences of opinion
on the subject of economic theory. Fur-
thermore, we were not simply lovers, nor
were we mere friends, and since we were
not going to end up together, there was
nothing for it.

I was silent.

“Face it," said my tireless mistress,
“we have no raison d'être.”

"There was no disputing this.

I said, “If we have no raison d'être,
Billy, then what arc wc to do?"

These conversations flare up like trop-
ical storms. The climate is always right
for them. It is simply a question of when
they will occur.

"Well?" I said.

I don't know," said my mistress, who
generally has a snappy answer for every-
thing.

A wave of fatherly affection and worry

ike

came over me. [ said, in a voice so
drenched with concern it caused my
mistress to scowl like a child about to
receive an injection, "Perhaps you should
think about this more seriously, Billy.
You and Grey are really just starting out.

Vera and I have been married a long,
long time. I think I am more а disrup-
ion in your life than you are in mine.

na betz" said Billy.
haps we should sec cach oth
less," 18 Perhaps we should part."
"OK. lers part,” said Billy. "You go
first.” Her face was set and I entertained
myself with the notion that she was
ng not to burst into tears. Then she
said, "What are you going to do all
day after we part?"
This is not subject to which I
wanted to give much thought.

Isn't our raison d'étre that we're fond
of each other?” I said. "I'm awfully fond
of you.

‘Gee, that’s interestin; Billy said.
You're fond of me. I love you.” Of
se, she would not look me in the

don't

quite know what to do about it."
"Whatever our status quos аге," Billy
‘they are being maintained like

lenced me.
the world right in pL
ters, changes or moves, Whatever is being
preserved in our lives is safely preserved.
It is quite true, as Billy, who believes
in function, points out, that we are in
cach other's life for a reason, but neither
state the reason. Nevertheless,
h there are some cases іп which
love is not a good or sufficient excuse
for anything. the fact is, love is undeni-
able.

Yes, love is undeniable and that is
the tricky point. It is one of the sober-
ing realizations of adult lite that love
is often not a propellent. Thus, in those
romantic movies, the tender mistress
stays married to her stuffy husband—the
one with the mustache and the stiff
tweeds—while the lover is seen walking
h the countryside with his long-
ng wife and faithful dog. Jt often
seems that the function of romance is
to give people something romantic to
think about.

The question is: If it is true, as my
mistress says, that she is going to stay
with Grey and I am going to stay with
Vera, why is it that we together
every chance we get?

There was, of course, an explanation
for this and my inde able mistress
came up with it, God bless her.

It’s an artistic impulse," she sai
“It takes us out of reality a
а secret context all our own.
“Oh, I see," I said. "It's only a
Don't get in a huff,” Billy said.
“We're in a very unusual situation. It

ly and I have
e. Nothing flur-

has to do with limited doting, restricted
thrall and situational adoration.

Oh, how inter I said. “Are
doting. thrall and adoration things you
actually [cel for me?

“Could be,” said Billy. “Bu
Iwas speaking for you.

Every adult knows that facts must һе
faced. In adult life, it often seems that's
Il there is. Prior to our week togeth.
er, the unguarded moments between us
had been kept to a minimum. Now they
came rather more frequently. That week
together haunted us. It dogged our heels.
It made us long for and dread—what an
unfortunate combination!—each other.

One evening, T revealed to her how I
sometimes feel as I watch her walk up
the s to the door of her house. I
feel she is walking into her real and still
fairly young life. She will leave me in
the dust, I think. I think of all the
things that have not yet happened to
her, that have not yet gone wrong, and
I think of her life with Grey, which is
still mostly unlived.

One afternoon, she told me how it
makes her feel when she thinks of my
family table—with Vera and our sons
id our daughter-in-law and our daugh-
ter-in-law-to-be, of our years of shared
meals, of all that lived life. Billy de-
scribed this feeling as a band around
her head and а hot pressure in the area
of her heart. 1, of course, merely get a
lump in my throat. Why do these ad-
mittings take place at twilight or at
dusk, in the gloomiest light, when every-

actually,

thing looks dirty, cerie, faded or
table?
Our conversation comes 10

halt. like a horse balking before a hurdle,
on the issue of what we want. I have
tried my best to formulate what it is I
t from Billy, but I have not gotten
consideration has
brought forth this revelation: I want
her not ever to stop being. This is as
close as grammar or reflection will allow.
One day, the horse will jump over
the hurdle and the end will come. The
door will close. Perhaps Billy will do
the closing. She will decide she wants a
baby, or Grey will be offered a job in
London, or Billy will get a job in Bos-
ton and the Delielles will move. Or per-
haps Vera will come home one evening
and say that she longs to live in Paris
or San Francisco and the Clemenses will
move. What will happen then?
ny mistress is right. A love
like а work of art. The large
store of references, and jokes, the history
of our friendship, our week together in
Vermont, our numberless telephone
calls, this edifice, this monument, this
civilization known only to and construct-
ed by us will be—what will it be? Billy
once read to me an article in an anthro-
pological journal about the last Coast

ainful

Salish Indian to speak Wintun. All the
s tribe were dead. That is
how I would feel, deprived of Billy.

The awful day will doubtless come.
It is like thinking about the
of nuclear war. But as for now
tinue to ring her doorbell. Her greeting
is delivered her bored monotone.
“Ol you,” she will say. “How sweer
you look.”

I will follow her up the stairs to her
study and there we will hurl ourselves
at each other. I will reflect, as I always
do, how very bare the setting for these
encounters is. Not a picture on the wall,
not an ornament. Even the quilt that
keeps the chill off us on the couch is
faded.

In one of her snootier moments, my
mistress said to me, "My furnishings
are interior. I care about what I think
bout."

s I gather her into my arms.
not help imagining all that interior fu
niture, those hard-edged things she thinks
about, whatever is behind her
whatever, in fact, her real story i

She may turn to me and in а moment
of tenderness say, "What a cute boy.”
"This remark always sounds exotic to
me—no one has ever addressed me this
way, especially not at my age and ма

I im: he will turn

to me and, with some tone in her voice
1 have never heard before, say, “We
can’t sec each other anymore.” We will

both know the end has come. But, me:

while, she ht close by. After ash-
ion, she is mine. I watch her closely to
catch the look of tue love that every
once in a while overtakes her. She knows
and she knows the effect
baby could take candy
from you.” she says.

Our feelings have edges and spines
€ cactus, or а porcuj
g when it comes will not be

е one of those medieval beasts that
has fins, fur, scales feathers, claws,
wings and horns. In a world apart from
anyone else, we nk and Billy, with
no significance to anyone but the other.
Oh, the terrible privacy and loneliness
of love alla
Under the quilt with our ar
locked, I look into my mistress’ eyes.
They are dark and full of concealed
feeling. If we hold each other close
enough, that darkness is held at bay.
The mission of the lover is, after all, to
love. I can look at Billy and see clear
back to the first time we met, to our
hundreds of days together, to her throw-
ing the towels over the shower-curtain
rod, to each of her gestures and intona-
tions. She is the road I have traveled
to her, and I am hers.
Oh, Billy! Oh, art! Oh, memory!

177

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PRECEDED BY SMELL OF CHEAP JASMINE

1 HAVE REATHON TO BELIEVE
IT ITH HERE IN CALIFORNIA.
І COULD MAKE IT

{TH YOUR WHILE IF YOU.
WOULD FIND IT FOR ME.

-- WHY, THITH ITH

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THE KINKY REPORT

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IF ІМЕ GOT THIS
STRAIGHT —

GOOD MORNIN’ ОМБОР KEITH-
LONER, T MAD Qe

Hi TWAS
XT SIVLE? ANZ)

you ALWAYS HURT THE
ONE You LOVE, THE ONE
You SHOULDN'T HURT

BY BILL SOHNSON

ICOM TA

AT'S ТТ, THINK! ~

NX i? ЕӨТЕШЕ? HOLY?

DON'T BE SILLY.
OF COURSE

BAD SEX WITHA 41
VENEAR- OLD GIRL? B An

Л. REMEMBER

| 26505, BERT! THATS |
CK, REPRERENS IBLE

Dirty Duck 19:

Ў UES INDEED, WEEVIL...

A TURKISH BATH

б THE PEREECT (LACE
do GET YOUR
TAFFY PULLED.

y AM
METHINKS
| VAGUELG
DISCERN A
FEMALE
IN THE
OG CE I

(155 ALL BASED ON
THE THEORY THAT PEOPLE
ARE UKE THEIR PORES?
TORN ON ENOUGH MEAT

AND fuEQ OPEN UP!

AND 1 THOUGHT

Н IT COULDN'T 4

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Baby

HERE AN AWEULLY LONG
TIME.... | WONDER IF
(136 LADIES? NIGHT

AUA TOOTS! HOWZABOLT
COMIN* OVER то MY PLACE
FOR SOME STEAMED CLAMS?

BLIND DATES,

бот THIS © =
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THAUKS,
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YERSELE /

181

182

GUNS AND RHETORIC

when one side or the other starts to shoot off its mouth,
the words usually get in the way of the facts

THE GUN LOBBY

When firearms foes managed to label
the jonal Rifle Association the
“Washington gun lobby,” they scored
propaganda victory at the
accuracy. Most people
k of a lobby as a ister bunch
of slick power brokers who covertly
influence public legislation in behalf
of private interests. The N.R.A. can
inly derail a proposed gun law,
it does so mainly by alerting its
ns of members and supporters to
what's going on. In fact, the N.R.A.
is only the largest, most respectable
and responsible of gun-owner organi-
zations and has frequently come under
fire from the more rabid gun nuts for
being too moderate and sensible. Dur-
ing the last antigun campaign. the old
N.R.A. moderates were deposed by the
hardliners. In The Gun in America,
about the only rational book yet wr
ten on the firearms controversy, authors.
Lee Kennett and James LaVerne
derson correctly describe N.R.A. о!
cials as “generals trying to stay in front
ot their soldiers." When angry Citizens
scare their elected. repre s
defeating one's favorite legislation, it's
called lobbying: when the opposition's
bills are defeated, it's called the demo-
cratic process.

GUN POLLS

Polls lave no doubt that everybody
fears crime and violence and every-
body wants strict gun controls. For
everybody else. A more meaningful
survey question would be: "Do you
think the Government should have the
power to prohibit you from keeping
gun in your home or place of busi-
ness?" In 1977, a gallant little band of
antifirearms fanatics persuaded Chi-
cago police to have an amnesty period
so right-thinking citizens could turn
in their guns at some 27 local churches,
no questions asked. It was called some-
thing like Stop Violence Week. It got
excellent press-and-TV coverage and en-
thusiastic editorial support. A local
ist was commissioned to weld all the
al weapons into a great metal sculp-
ture commemorating the victims of
handgun violence. Of the 5,000,000 or
so firearms estimated to reside in the

Chicago area, 65 were turned їп, and
many of those were cap pistols.

THE SECOND AMENDMENT

Thanks to bad syntax and a con-
fusing dependent clause, the Second
Amendment is wrongly cited by both
sides. When written, it had nothing
то do with the private ownership of
guns, which were as common as hor
and just as essential. The main pur-
pose of the amendment ма
tec suspicious Color
the right to maintain their own militia
in case the nationhood experiment
didn't work out. Those weren't stand-
ing armies but armed forces composed
of citizens usually required by law to
provide their own guns. The biggest
gun problem at the time was not hav-
ing enough of them. Many state consti-
tutions of that period and later flatly
guarantee the right of citizens to
bear arms, with no reference to a mi-
litia, because nobody trusted Govern-
ment, enlightened or otherwise. It
never crossed the Colonial mind that
gun ownership would ever become an
it was understood that people
n't supposed to go around shoot-
ing one another. Probably the most
good that an armed citizenry does any-

rage civic and military
ies to keep lids on in times of
trouble instead of blowing heads off in
displays of force.

GUN LAWS

Antigun forces so enjoy terrorizing
their adver: s with the threat of new
and often gooly firearms laws tha
they give almost no thought to enforce-
ment. Consider the fact that Chicago
virtually outlawed handgun sales more
than 50 years ago and has had gun
registration plus state gun-owner 1
censing since the Sixties. Consider,
next, that Chicago cops annually nail
10.000 to 20,000 U.A.P.s (police ter-
minology meaning Unorganized Ass-
hole Punks) for illegally carrying guns,
a major source of firearms crimes. Con-
sider, finally, that in one recent year
studied, only one out of 13 of those
pistol packers was convicted (average
fine, $47) and only one out of 75 ever
spent a day in the slammer. Which
means that guns are fashionably illegal,

»ernments

the risks minimal and the law com-
pletely lacking in credibility among
the very groups least inclined to obey
itin the first place. Your average gun
nut would happily tack mandatory ex-
tra years onto апу sentence for a crime
committed with a firearm and let the
word get around. Your average antigun
nut would rather lock up the jerks who
keep defeating or defying his new рип
laws.

PROPAGANDA

One thing that makes gun buffs so
contrary and perverse is the misleading
nonsense put out by gun foes to scare
people into supporting their causc.
Take the statement that handguns ac
count for half the murders committed
each year, usually illustrated with a col-
lage of clean-cur Americans punched
full of bullet holes. That spine-tingling
murder rate works out to a little more
than five deaths per 100,000. The death
rate for women on oral contraceptives
is also about five per 100.000. "That's а
ridiculous comparison for all kinds
of reasons, including the fact that you
can't stick up a liquor store with a
fistful of birth-control pills; but let's
go on. If we sort out homicide statistics
demographically, we find that most of
those killings are of the bedroom-
barroom variety and involve a
select group of white hillbillies and
black or brown slum dwellers given
to offing one another at truly impres-
sive rates. Add to that the facts that
most of those folks are drunk or on
drugs, that in cities, a majority of the
е police records and а sub-
entage initiate the fatal
Your average sober
citizen in a nice white suburb is about
likely to get hit by a bullet as by a
lightning bolt, unless he shoots himself
with the pistol he bought for home
protection. Incredibly enough, the an-
nual number of hand.gun murders h

mained nearly constant over the р:
ten ycars despite the sale of more than
20,000,000 new pistols and revolvers
The N.R.A. types know these things
and resent being blamed for violent
crime about as much as potsmoking
liberals like taking the rap for һегой
epidemics. WILLIAN J.

TROUBLE WITH GUNS

(continued from page 104) SSS vnam e

require the zealois on both sides to act Pip elobacco.
in enlightened self-interest, so its pros-

pensare) кіс The! аша forces Ifi itsa coo! rer seek, take Comfort. |

would have to cancel their propaganda

attacks and flatly concede the right of ч If you're tired of hot, >

qualified citizens to own guns. Period. ; iting

For their part, gun bulls would have to Rov оа Ex
m

concede that a great many people are

households in the country. Actually,
there is one way. Take hostages and use
torture

"There's one other way, but it would

not as responsible as themselves (a little a | (| tasting aromatic specially |
flattery there) and that the casual pro : NES [blended to smoke cô
liferation of guns is socially undesir- | р 7 D NI :

„Го аһуауз satisfy: P

able...and then collaborate in drafting
stringent, enforceable, uniform licensing
laws that would keep dealers accountable
for new gun sales and make owners ac
countable for used-gun transfers.

That's laughably utopian, I admit, and
I propose it mainly to make a couple of
final points. Any measure—such as truly
effective licensing—that discourages im-
pulse gun buying among the general
public is good, because it’s the gun in
the bureau drawer that gets stolen
50,000 a year), gets found by a nosy kid,
gets grabbed in the course of a domestic
brawl and is mainly responsible for the
infamous National Gun Problem, which,
in turn, creates the demand for more
dumb laws. The fewer guns in irrespon-
sible or careless hands, the better it is for
collectors, hunters, target shooters—the
serious buffs who do not themselves
engage in aime and violence.

But the reason those people can't sec
that is because they're on the defensive. | ELS Available
Thanks to the shrill and badly misin: ѓ In 14 Ounce
formed attacks of firearms foes, gun ДЕ Humidor.

owners perceive a license as ап insult—
a document of suspicion that one is some
kind of trigger-happy, bloodthirsty, red
necked ignoramus who's armed and dan-
gerous to himself and others. Given a
different selling job, that same license
could be a prized possession framed on
every legitimate gun owner's wall, signi
fying to him and others: "This certifies
Billy Bob Buford is a respected
and responsible citizen whose skills and
good judgment qualify him to possess all
the pistols, rifles and shotguns he wants
to, because we all know he won't do
anything stupid.” Once your N.R.A. type
got that kind of license, hed start lob-
bying for stricter standards and tougher
screening to keep out the riffralf

The moral is that if gun buffs years
ago had used their energy, orga
and expertise to promote instead oL
obstruct elfective and tolerable gun laws,
leadership in this area m
gone by default to all those faggoty in.
do-gooders who, probably for
sons, don't like guns.

nization

ght not have

STEEL B5* С 198) HEUBLEIN. INC. HARTFORD СТ

FAMILY JEWELS

(continued from page 115)

Walters and Abbie Hoffman. J. R. Ewing
and Dolly Parton. Balls’ wholesale dis-
semination may have begun when Nor
man Mailer, laboring in the two-“fisted’
low of Ernest Hemingway (who
wrote often of castration), described Tru-
man Capote as Шу little guy.” and
ng Mailer on that
point with high-pitched relish. Or maybe
it n 1960, when Jasper Johns execut-
ed a work called Painting with Two
Balls, encaustic and collage on canvas
“with objects.” The objects were a pair of
spheres stuck into a crevice of the
ing. If a painting can have balls,
why not a woman? Now an Australian
New Wave group called Mi-Sex sings:

It's got balls,

yy H's got balls,
| I's written on the walls,
1 171 J / Graffiti. crimes in the shopping

malls.

> There are dildos these days with balls
you can fill with hot water and squeeze.
Nuts, grapes, stones, testes, testicles,
N N y - cojones, huevos, gonads, the family jew-
NA els. Testis, the singular, is Latin for
“witness.” The ancient Romans, it is
sometimes explained, held their hands
over their genitals when taking an oath,
But if that were true, you'd think you'd
run across, in perusing ancient texts,
such expressions as “Cross my balls and
hope to die" (testes meos traicios et mori
spero) aud. “I swear on a stack of testi-
cles” (a cumulum testium juro). Serious
dictionaries prefer to speculate that
testes got their Latin name from being
deemed witnesses of virility. And yet
what are balls shaped like? Eggs. 10
works out neatly, in a way. Balls have a
feminine shape, and they send the male
off in search of other feminine shapes.

E Of course, Shere Hite recently

Sieelhasd clean, polished = Б made the highly debatable assertion that

ерен taste Smooihenana mia A T Me стало

less syrupy than you'd expect from 1 to [ugh] orgasm ent PUES
a shot of schnapps. So after a hard is no denying that cach ball con

days work, pour yourself some 800 convoluted threadlike "seminife
Steel. The 85 Proof Schnapps. ч tubules ogether some 1800 feet in

length), wherein sperm are produced by
the hundreds of millions. And between
the tubules is interstitial tissue whose
job is to secrete testosterone—a hormone
that stimulates mustaches, aggressiven
and heavy muscularity, all of which hav
traditionally aided men in their quest
for places to sow the sperm. Still rather
neat so far.

But that is not the whole story. All
those sperm cells, those teeming halves of
little babies, impel the male not only to

show up at female doors with corsages (inc
dentally, orchid is Greek for "testicle,
which may account for the pride with
which girls used to wear them on prom
nes called "ball gown:

but also to kick ass, climb, wander, make
money, jack off, outdrink friends, build
high-rises, drive Alfa Romeos very fast
and force some less hairy prisoner to do
the laundry. They impel the male to do
nearly everything, in fact, except settle
down and help take care of whole little
babies. So things don't always work out
so neatly. Especially when women. too.
get heavily into balls. (The average
human testis weighs one ounce; fortu-
nately for the underendowed, they are
all but impossible to weigh. A sperm
whale’s run around 50 pounds apiece.)

As a matter of fact, with androgyny
all in the currency, balls in straight men
haye lately been looked down upon.
“Macho,” every bit as invidious a term as
bitchy,” has been used to take the bloom
off of everyt shotguns to law
enforcement. a prime с:
ample of unpushy, sympathetic, increas
ingly boring Seventies mascu
described machismo аз "testosterone
poisoning." But androgyny has not al-
ways been regarded with favor. Hercu-
line Barbin, a 19th Century French gi
was found at the age of 22 to have a
woman's urethra, and somcthing ap-
proaching a vagina, and an organ tha
might have been a small penis or a large
clitoris, but also two undescended testi-
cles. So she had to be reclassified as a
man, who eight years later killed himself.
Now, once again, as Jimmy Carter has
given way to Ronald Reagan, and soci
services to bombers, balls in the male
have come back, along with jelly beans.
Moderates are called wimps in the Con-
gress. Wayne Newton, mustached, throws
weight around in Vegas.

Meanwhile (even though Rosalynn has
iven way to Nancy), the macha woman
continues to be. you might say. the nuts.
In her book Machisma, Grace Lichten-
stein hails “the scent of power, of female
potency, catered to by advertisements
for perfumes with names like ‘Ch:
nd “Babe.” It is the reason for the tel
vision commercial that shows a young
woman leaping in triumph after a
racquetball victory over a man." The
"adventurous, ballsy, gutsy . . . vora
cious .. . fierce” macha woman, says
Lichtenstein, "jumps at the chance to
climb Annapurna. . . . She picks up th
check at lunch with a male companion
in an expensive restaurant and flashes a
gold American Express card. . . . She
subscribes to Field & Stream and hides
Vogue in the bathroom. . . . She lets
male campers know that her backpack
is five pounds heavier than theirs... -
She prefers Clint Eastwood movies to
Dustin Hoffman ones. .. . She manages
to let slip how many men she's dated in
the past weck. The macha woman ‘goes
t

A touching tackiness in all that, as
in a newly freed slave wearing spats.
The macha woman should bear in mind

186 balls down side. They can make you

PLAYBOY

want to stockpile armaments, screw
sheep and pound the piss out of some-
body for no good reason. What war boils
down to is who's got the most balls.
“Get them by the balls and their hearts
and minds will follow.” “Nuts.”
ball to cycball and they

ched.

Hitler, he only had one ball.
Göring had two, but they were
small.
Himmler
Had something similar,
But Goebbels had no balls at all.
.

If people of every persuasion аге go-
ing to go around having balls, then we
had better examine the whole testicular
concept rigorously, in the round. (Now,
cough.) But gently!

Gently! For, аз everyone knows or
should quickly be advised, balls are not
only potency's source but also the ten-
derest things known to man. Achilles’
mother made him 99 percent immortal
by holding him by the heel and dipping
him in the river Styx. Mother Nature
makes the average guy 99 percent tough
by holding on to his ‘nads. Back when
these were a jealously guarded male
property, the standard riposte to women
who claimed that men knew no pain
like that of childbirth was, “You ever
get kicked in the balls?”

Actual testicles are also homely. Of all
the external organs of man or woman,
they look most like they ought to be
internal. (No wonder that a starkly nude
man described as “balls naked" or
"standing there with his balls hanging
out.”) If they grew on the backs of our
necks, we would grow our hair long and
wear high (soft) collars. Bulls’ balls,
hanging down like a heavy-rinded gourd

nd swaying gravely with the pace. are
prepossessing, but human ones look like
uely pulsing yolks inside a pouch
made of neck wattle. Sort of fetal, yet
sort of old. And here resides the force
that through the green fuse drives the
flower.

The surface of that pouch, the scro-
tum, is described by Gray's Anatomy as
thin, of a brownish color and
generally thrown into folds or rugae
[not to be confused with reggae]. It is
provided with sebaceous follicles, the
secretion of which has a characteristic
odor, and is beset with thinly scattered,
crisp Ку hairs, the roots of which are
isible through the skin.” A fellow m
well share, with a kindhearted friend,
an affection for his balls at times, and
may also take pleasure
at home, alone.

A desirable thing for McHeather
Was tickling his balls with a feather.
But what he liked best
Of all the rest
Was knocking them gently together

Folks have been known, 1 е heard,

to put fish food on them and lower
them into a guppy tank. Still, they are
not the kind of thing you want to wear
on your sleeve, or to take out and wave,
in and of themselves, at strangers.

Testes might be prettier, but would
be evcn more vulnerable, were they not
cloaked five times anatomically. The
scrotum comprises two layers: the in-
tegument (the thing with the odor and
rugae) and the dartos tunic, which is
made up of muscular fibers that are—T
would say unregrettably—not striped.
Then come three membranes: the
cremasteric layer, the internal spermatic
fascia and the tunica vaginalis (which,
interestingly enough. is Latin for “pussy
jacket.” I belicve). The outer layer of
the testis itsclI—and this will come as
no surprise to anyone who in adoles-
cence suffered a condition of unrelicved

excitement known as “love nuts” or “the
blue balls"—is bluish white.

The reason males get sterile if the
mumps “go down” into the balls is that

this outer layer. the tunica albuginea, is
so inflexible that when the
swells against it, the tubules are dam-
aged. Ovaries, on the other ha
expand and ride mumps ош. Anothe
thing that can happen to balls is
hernia—the intestinal lining ruptures
and crowds down into the scrotum. One
more thing before the reader's stones
creep out of sight (they do rise toward
the abdomen in response to fear): Th
has been nearly a 70 percent rise in
testicular cancer in the U. S. since 1972.
Some researchers suspect that too-snug
bikini briefs are the cause. (Are you
listening. Jim Palmer?) The good news—
quickly —is that victims of this cancer
сап be cured in 95 to 100 percent of
cases if it is caught early enough. (Look
for lumps.)

Sumo wrestlers do exercises enabling
them to retract their balls at will. The
question remains: “Why are the testes
located outside of the body?" I am quot-
ing now from The Missing Dimension in
Sex, by Herbert W. Armstrong. pastor
general of the Worldwide Church of
God.

The Great Architect had a very
good reason—but men never lea
this reason until quite recent
times. ... Today it is known that
the cause was, nply, that these
marvelous and mighty little
ies" generating human life do not
perform their wonderful operation
of producing life-imparting sperm
cells at bodily temperature. They
must be kept at a temperature sev-
eral degrees lowe

The scrotum . . . is made up of
kind of skin different from any oth-
er in man or woman! It is a non-
conductor of heat! It is made up of
folds. [Remember the тирае? In
cold temperatures . . . these folds

PLAYBOY

188

shrink ир, and draw the testes ир
tight against the body . . . lest the
outside temperature becomes 100
cold for these marvelous little “Jabo-
ratories.””

But, in very warm weather, they
stretch out, until the testes are
dropped down a considerable dis
nce farther from the warmer-than-
normal body.

Thus, this scrotum . . . acts as ап
AUTOMATIC TEMPERATURE
;AUGEI...

If you think “mother matur
blindly, and without mind, intelli-
gence or knowledge, planned and
worked all this out, you are wel-
come to your ridiculous opinion! It
not dumb and stupid “MOTH-
ER nature’—it was the Supreme
FATHER-GOD—who instructed
CHRIST, who “spoke” and com-
manded, and the Holy Spirit was
the POWER that brought it into
being.

Меп--еуеп pastors general—tend to
get defensive when discussing balls. And
understandably so. Women, said Mar-
garet Mead, are "much fiercer than
men—they kick below the belt.” That
opens up a large area of discussion. You
can Took at it th Since decent
men refrain from physically bullying
women, and since they ungird their loins
before women, it is cruel and perverse
of women to undermine those loins, to
he “castrating.” Or you can look at it
way: Men have it both ways in the

battle of the sexes by exploiting their
testosteronic strengths, on the one hand,
and by using their balls’ sacred inviola-
bility as a defensive weapon on the
other.

Woman has been known to keep man
down by self-fulfilling disparagement
of his masculinity. Man has been known
to batter woman and then to expect
her not to damage his fragile ego (down
there beneath the rugae) by telling any-
body. A man who abuses women often
justifies himself by calling them “ball
breakers.” A woman who takes pleasure
in kicking men in the crotch, literally
or figuratively, often justifies herself by
calling them insensitive to any other
kind of feeling. There is a real sense in
which women have men by the balls,
and there are real grounds for a cul-
tur; perative against women's taking
that advantage. But there is also a sense.
in which men have women by the lack
of balls. Freud said that the female
equivalent of the male fear of castra-
tion is fear of the loss of love. Maybe,
if enough women wear Charlie perfume
and get gold American Express cards,
that will change.

105 a complex matter. Men may speak
with relish, among themselves, of "real
nut-cutting politics"—or at least 1 know
Richard Nixon once
spoke thus. Nothing gets so sure-fire a
ugh in а certain kind of movie as
somebody's getting kneed in the balls.
There is something almost macho about

а man to whom

“Tell him we don’t care how he gets
the money—yust get it.”

a baseball catcher rolling in the dirt
around home plate from having caught a
ball in the balls. (The Middle Irish for
“testicle” was uirgge.) As long as he is
not crying.

Balls are big in sports. IT TAKES LEATH-
ER BALLS To PLAY RUGBY, the bumper
sticker goes. To make every effort is to
“go balls.out.” Ballplayers аге probably
the only people who often scratch their
balls, and adjust them, and hustle them,
on national television. Baseball players
sometimes amuse themselves by tapping
teammates in the groin with a bat and
crying, "Cup check!"—if the tapped
teammate is wearing his aluminum cup,
he is all right. Another thing a player
may do is to take the cup out of a team-
mate’s unattended jockstrap and replace
it, in the little pocket where the cup goes,
with something like a live frog. (A frog’s
testes, by the way, are attached to its
kidneys. That may explain why it pees
a third of its body weight every day. If
frogs ever found out about beer. . . .)
Pranksters may also put hot liniment in
the part of the jock that makes contact
with the rugae. In The Bronx Zoo, h
memoir of a year with the Yankees,
Sparky Lyle recalls what he once did
during batting practice іп Anaheim:

The gates had just opened, and 1
was in a crazy mood, so I zipped
down my fly and took my nuts out.
І was standing in the outfield in my
uniform with my balls hanging out,
shagging flies, having a good old

ime, and I must һауе been doing
this for about five minutes until Ce-
cil Upshaw noticed me. He cracked
up. He was laughing so hard, he
was drawing а lot of attention, so
I stopped. I put my nuts back in-
side. The next day when I came to
the ball park, [Manager Bill] Vir-
don called me into his office. He
said, “I have a favor to ask of you.’

I said, “What's that, Bill?" He said,
“Please don't shag balls in the out-
field with your nuts hanging out
anymore."

ls are, I believe, the only sexual
organ that people remove from animals
and eat. Zorba the Greek ate goats’
balls raw. Less ballsy people get togeth-
er and enjoy the fried testes of calves
(mountain oysters, prairie oysters, calf
fries), roosters (rooster fries), pigs (hog
nuts) and squirrels (squirrel nuts). АП
of these are good and taste different.
Schoolboys talk about balls a lot. “You
got a ball?" “Yeah, I got two of them.”
The Ruptured Chinaman, by Wun
Hung Lo. Man overboard yelling in
a deep voice, “Help, help!” Then, in a
high voice, "There's sharks іп these
waters!” Somehow or another, every boy
by the age of ten has seen photographs
of African natives with elephantiasi:
(always pronounced "elephan

METAXA SEVEN STAR. A STEPABOVE COGNAC.

PLAYBOY

190

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boys) of the balls. And he h:
stories of men who were toi
ing their balls clapped

between
And hc knows of a tcacher or a

d peculiar, be-
go to have one
l—which is probably not
rvell had in mind
when he wrote, "Let us roll all our
strength and all / Our sweetness up into
one ball.”

Students of the liberal arts also know
ball lore. Errol Flynn gelded lambs with
his teeth. Henry James's asexuality, if
not his prose style, may have been the
result of a genital injury suffered in
youth. Legend has it that Jean-Luc
G d lost a testicle in ап accident
right before making the movie Numero
Deux. The Hollywood producer Walter
Wanger shot off one of the balls of an
agent. Jennings Lang, in an L.A. park-
ing lot, with regard to Wanger's then-
wile, Joan Bennett. The French title of
the Вегпапа Blier film Going Places, in
which one of the two leading characters
is shot in the balls, is Les Valseuses,

which literally means “the (female) waltz

ers" but is slang for balls. Picasso is said
to have remarked of Michelangelo's The
Dying Slave. "Look at the balls. They're
so tiny. It says everything about. Michel-
angelo." Picasso's are said to have been
bigger than average.

Balls abound in figures of speech:
Don't get them in an uproar. Wouldn't
give him the sweat off mine. Get your
rocks off. Brass ones. Nuts to you. Don't
bust my balls. Make a balls of something.
“Ballocks in brackets” is, according to
Eric Partridge, “a low term of address to
а bowlegged man.” (The way orchids
got their name, in case it has been
bothering you, is that their roots look like
testicles. Having only one ball is monor-
chidism. Having undescended balls is
cryptorchidism.)

According to Stuart Berg Flexner in
1 Hear America Talking, men in tl
country commonly called testicles balls
by the 1880s. Flexner cites such other
terms for ballsiness as gumption, spunk,
grit (Irom the early 1800s), sand (18705),
guts (1890) and backbone (1905). “Balls
s meant manly courage since about
lexner, who doesn't men-

The Underground: Dic-
(sic) as

tion у
tionary, 1971, defines
“very forward, aggressive and impulsive.
When used to describe an aggressive fe-
male, it can have a negative or positivi
connotation, but it is always compli-
mentary to males.” Times change. "Ag-
gressive still ambivalent when ap-
plied to women, but "ballsy" now is not
only favorable, it's almost tender,

When, around 1924, E
papers came to gri, i
tion" craze (older men seeking renewed
vigor through injections of goatball
essence), the papers "found it neces-
wrote Н. L. Mencken, “to invent

a new sct of euphemisms. So far as I
have been able to discover, not one of
them ever printed the word testicles. А
few yentured upon gonads, but the m:
jority preferred glands or interstitial
glands, with sex glands as an occasional
variation.” Not even Mencken ventures
upon balls.

So perhaps it is not surprising thar
throughout most of American literature,
balls 1

ve been conspicuous, if at all,
by their absence. You have to read The
Sun Also Rises carefully to ге that
Jake Barnes has had his shot off in the
war. “What happened to me is supposed
to be funny,” says the Hemingway man,
keeping his cool, but he also mentions
that an Italian officer saluted him in
the hospital by saying, “You, a foreigner,
an Englishman, have given more than
your life.

But balls’ low literary profile is more
than a matter of prudery. You don't run
into many testicular symbols, even
any literature. Oh, maybe Tweedledum
nd Tweedledee; East Egg and West
Egg; the first two strikes against Mighty
Casey. But what are those few instances
compared with all the dragons, snakes,
mushrooms, s (the male ones that
wear red caps, get into everything and
shrink and grow unpredictably), tre
towers, guns, poles, rocket ships and um-
brellas (not Mary Poppins’, I guess) that
betoken you know what?

Not even Freud finds much dr
balls, per se. He does propose that t
partite symbols such as the cloverleat
and the fleur-de-lis represent the whole
male cluster. And he had a patient who
was so afraid of being afraid of what he
was really afraid of—being castrated by
her—that he preferred to be afraid
of being devoured by a wolf. (Today, of
analysands avoid lupinc-ingestion.
phobia for fear of being diagnosed too
brusquely.) But castration complexes run
to dreams of long, upstanding things’
being lopped off. To Freud, “the more
striking and for both sexes the more
teresting component of the genitals
“the male organ.”

The male organ, is it? So why doesn't
anybody want to be called a prick, a
schmuck or a real hard-on? Why is it
ballsy that everybody wants to be?

Maybe we are just going through a
phase. Maybe it will pass. Maybe the
Balls Boom grows from a dawning
awareness that the world cannot afford,
now that the phallic warhead has grown
so overwhelming, to let truly potent
nations exercise their balls anymore.
So everybody talks about balls. But real
balls, as we have seen, don't call atten-
tion to themselves. It may be that all
thi:

I might point out, however, that it
takes some balls to leave this bu:
dangling on such a low double-entendic.

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152

ПІ (continued [rom page 110)

“Someone slipped her a $20 tip and Melani realized
she'd stumbled across what she'd been looking for.”

Music! Music! Music! acted a
three-verse song about his manager." She
got a friend to cover 1 nd, wear-

ing the Philip Morris bellboy outfit
given to all the clevator operators,
barged into the party om the seventh
floor, tap-dancing madly and singing at
the top of her lungs. Although Roth
wasn’t there—and never did show up—
her act was a success. The roomful of
showbiz professionals gave her a rousing
ovation, someone slipped her а $20 tip
and Melani realized that she had stum-
bled across the one thing she'd been
looking for—a way to get her foot in the
doors of numerous producers and. cast-

gents and have them take notice,
a involuntarily, of her talent

At that moment, Merry Melani's Sing-
ing Telegram service was born, а com-
pany with two important objectives—to
make money and to get Mela
covered.

7I went to Paul Aratow, the producer

of Sheena [ап upcoming film], onc day
and started to sing «ins Melani.
“He said, "We didn't order a singing
telegram,’ and I said, "I know. but I just
heard you were casting for Sheena” Не
loved it.” Other producers, agents and
directors, including Hugh Hefner, found
themselves facing the same trcatment—
an unsolicited singing telegram. Her
costumes varied —once she wore a gorilla
suit and tap-danced on roller skates—
but the songs were almost always cus-
tomized Broadway tunes. For Hel, she
spruced up an old stand-by into 4 Con-
tract Is a Girls Best Friend.

So far, Melani’s energetic persistence
as led to a few bit parts and walk-ons
in such forgettable works as The Jayne
Mansfield Story and Roller Boogie, but
not the big break she has been hoping
for. Her energy is undiminished.

At 19, Melani’s been flirting with
show business for 19 years, long enough
to know its pitfalls. Her first perform-
ance, at the age of se with the
streel performers іп i

“You mean all that talk about being a swordsman,
and you're just into fencing?”

re. Her mother let her watch
1 finally allowed her to take
ni would mimic the steps of
dance.

Union Sq
for hours.
part. Mel
the tap dancer, her first lessons i
Those lessons became formalized a
year later when Melani and her widowed
mother moved south to Santa Monica.
To hear her tell it, her life resembled
sketch from A Chorus Line, with classes
becoming a refuge from an unhappy
home life. “As long as 1 could get to my
dance class, 1 knew I had a goal,” she
recall:
That goal became all-consuming. driv-
g an even wider wedge between
Melani and her mother. She studied at
І пу Daniels’ Dance America and was
told by her teacher that if she could
learn to tap-dance while jumping rope,
he could get her a job touring with a
revue. “L locked myself in a room with
a jump rope and didn’t come out for
ауз,” she claims. With that the
of 16. she left home for good. setting her
sights on stardom. She got close to her
goal the next year with a gig as a show-
girl in Las V. until the fateful day
that the hotel learned she was underage.
"You've never seen a more upset ma
ager put a frightened little girl on a
plane so fast in your life,” she says.
When the plane landed in L.A., she
was alone, with no у and no job.
“АП my illusions about show business
were shattered,” she says, and she found
herself back where her dream had be-
gun. with street performers, this time in
Westwood, a lively community near
UCLA that houses more than а dozen
un movie theaters. Fri and

; throngs of movie-
goers and college students fill the side-
walks, making it the perfect sta
mimes. jugglers, would-be sing
even fir
"d get there early, put down my hat
and start singing. 1 know more than 100

got dull,”
could make $60
When a ch

explains. “In four hours, 1

nce to get into the Tracy
Roberts Actors Workshop came up,
Melani had to forsake Westwood for
night classes and she began working a
series of odd jobs to pay her tuition.
She worked
person belore landing the elevator job
at Berwin, a post she kept for a year
while sang her singing telegrams
nd waited patiently for her one big
break. Although that’s yet to happen,
at least some of Melani's persistence has
paid off. She finally met David Lee Roth
when he boarded her elevator to take a
ide up to his n “When
1 saw him. 1 clammed right up," she
reports. "I bet if I got to know him, I
wouldn't even like him

housckceper and sales-

she

нег» office.

Newport

Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined
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PLAYBOY

194

8 INBALL (continued from page 114)

“She barely felt the multitude of hands which kept
stroking her calves and thighs and breasts.”

place attracted people who came there
to use its stark, savage spaces for their
stark and savage rituals. It was a gather-
ing place for people who dressed in
leather or rubber; for women who wore
heavy make-up and high stiletto heels
and were accompanied by anemiclook-
ing lovers in sweatshirts and. shorts: for
men in tank tops and shorts who liked
to show off their muscular

well as the frail beauty of their scantily
clad, if clad at all, female or male lovers:
for people secking partners who were as
wild and momentary as the love they
craved and whose only real stimulus to
intimacy was to be found among a
stcady stream of strangers. At Dead Heat
the beautiful mingled with the de-
formed, the old with the young, the

bodies, as

naked with the clothed.

Donna would sit with Marcello at the
bar or at a table off to one side, or she
se with him through the cor-

would cn
ridors, talk

little, watching the other

patrons. Whenever Marcello noticed a
couple—a man and a woman. two
women or two men—straying from the

main room and starting to make thi
way to the Jam Session, he and Donna,
1 others, would calmly follow. The
couple would go into one of the empty
rooms off the corridor and start to stroke
h other, and immediately the other
men and women, as many as the room
could hold, would pres around them
and watch in silence, like a huge preda-
tor the lovers could not escape even if
they'd wanted to.

“Tt was right after the hairpin turn on the lower
slope. Where did you get mugged?”

The first time Marcello took Donna
to Dead Heat, she was surprised to sce
how many of the people there—particu-
larly the men—knew him. They came
up to him and shook hands or waved
at him from across the room. or they
pointed Marcello out. whispering to one
another or to their female dates as if
he were a celebrity. When she asked him
what he had done to be so popu
Marcello told her that he was one of the
Dead Heat regulars and that the people
there were simply friendly.

One night, after they had had a drink
or two at the bar, Marcello slowly got up.
took her hand and led her down one of
the dark corridors. As she followed him
obediently, she could feel the presence
of a crowd behind them, somber whis-
pering bulks. a moving forest of silent
male and female trunks, an excited eager
procession escorting her to the outer-
most reaches of imagining.

Pushing her gently ahead of him,
Marcello turned her into а large room
at the end of the corridor. He lifted her
by her hips as he might lift a keg and
set her on a table near the far wall. She
dosed her eyes. He rolled her dress up.
over her breasts and neck and pulled
down her panties, and as they slipped
over her fect, he spread her legs. Rub-
bing his groin against hers, he massaged
her breasts, and with her eyes still closed,
she joined him ina long kiss. She sensed
the crowd in the room, hovering and
sullen at first, almost silent, like frothing
foam, then stirring, coming nearer, tight-
ening their circle around the table.
When she opened her eyes, she saw them
from the darkness
arcello slid into her,
d as she folded her hands around his
neck, she screamed in pain and pleasure.
The crowd made a noise, too, a single
1 sigh. Ay Marcello pushed rapidly
and insistently in and out of her, open-
ig her like a fresh wound. the faces in
the crowd all came nearer, like sentries
closing their ranks, until they pressed
against the two of them. Engrossed in
the feelings aroused in her by Marcello,
she barely felt the multitude of hands on
her, hands which kept on feeling her
feet, stroking her calves and thighs and
breasts, brushing over her shoulders,
caressing her hair, her neck and cheeks.
Lost in a single sensation, her body onc
with the body of the man driving into
her, she could feel herself drifting away,
a mass glowing with its own heat, and
she felt she was leaving this swarm of
lifeless figures who could only gaze at
her from afar, from the cage they could
not leave.

Donna looked at Domostroy, trying
to gauge how he had judged her.

Later, when it all ended,” she went
on, "and Marcello and I returned to
the bar, I was still excited. My whole
body still oozed sex, and I spun from
one orgasm to the next. Like heartbeats,

at her

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they kept on coming—for as long as he
kept on touching me, for as long
wanted to go on.” She halted. “And I
didn't mind having people around,
either. I felt there was something sad
in all those men and women cruising
alone, back and forth through the
Dead Heat, in all those couples who
embraced but couldn't really touch cach
other. and in all those women who dress
like men and those men who maybe
should have been born women. Some-
times I wanted ro laugh at them. Such
pathetic creeps, I thought, such spiritual
nobodies, such sexual frauds, But when
1 looked at them again, I felt 1 could
ay for every one of them, so lonely, so
desperate, condemned to watch love

y themselves could not—or were
d to—touch.

“It must take courage for them to come
to this awful pit, I thought, to these
bowels of sex, and by coming here to
acknowledge to themselves and to others
that watching Marcello and me and
other couples like us was the only way
they could participate in love, the only

time Marcello took her to
Dead Heat, he led her again into the
Jam Session, and again the quiet foot-
Steps of strangers followed them in the
hazy distance, This time, he turned and
backed into one of the largest vaults—
damp. rectangular, empty of stools-
and, turning her around, pulled her in
after him. When his back touched the
far wall, he continued to pull her, unre-
sisting, until her back was pressed tight-
ly against his chest and groin. ‘Then,
facing the human mass that moved re-
lentlessly in on them from the corridor,
she could feel Marcello behind her, his
hands under her skirt caressing her ever
so faintly, while in the bleak halclight
the crowd stared, quiet, enrapt. Then,
he sank into her from behind and

ned down and back and ошо
him. Donna's blouse was unbuttoned, her
wraparound skirt spread open behind
her, falling primly in front like an
apron or a shield. As she felt herself
following his movement, the crowd
moaned. Her flesh sealed with his, she
swayed back and forth with him, linger-
ing in the moment, clinging to his flesh
convulsively, while the @owd jammed
dumsily into the black cavity of the
vault until they threatened to fill every
inch of it. Like а monstrous centipede,
men and women, breathing and sweat-
ing and pungent in the darkness, groped
for her breasts and belly and thighs
and face. She couldn't hold them off, and
Marcello's hands had rescued her, rough-
ly maneuvcring the intruders away, one
after another, slamming the door to her
shut, the door that a moment before һе
had so willingly opened.

Donna glanced at Domostroy and

“Try and tell me that referee wasn't paid off!"

197

PLAYBOY

went on talking, as if she were reluctant
to give him time to speak. In the weeks
that followed, she said, she often asked
Marcello why he kept wanting to return
to Dead Heat and make love to her
there in front of strangers.

“Marcello told me he was not like
most men, who need privacy for their
sexual intimacies. He said he could get
sexually high only by making love to

me in the presence of strangers. To
him, the real excitement of sex came
from bridging the sexual distance be-

tween lovers. not at home, where there
was nothing—and mo onc—to distract
them, but in places like Dead Heat.

where their intimacy was constantly
tested, onstage, on trial, almost under
siege.

"Making love to me at Dead Hea
he said, was like walking a high wirc
without a net. Even the prospect of
going there aroused him. He always
wondered what the sex would be like on
ticular night: whether there would.
'eunuchs—single, docile men
kneel іп front of me

would

who
on his command and kiss my feet—or
*camnibals—those dominant sex freaks

of the Jam Session who were always ready
to snatch me away and, before Marcello
could find me, get to me all the way,
one after another, as they had often
done with other men and women.

“IE I went along with Marcello for

such a long time, it was because, with
him, I had begun to think of myself as
more alive than ever and of him no
longer as my lover but as one of those
who watched me from the darkness

"But" Donna went on, "Marcello
kept on swearing that he loved me,
saying that if I loved him too. I shouldn't
be put off by what we'd done at Dead
Heat. He said that even though he
made love to me in front of the people
there, I should know that all they could
do was watch. His body was between
theirs and mine, and as for them touch-
ing me. didn’t the sand touch me too
when I lay on the beach? These people,
he said, were human sand. He told me
1 was, sexually. the only woman in his
life; he was freer and more fulfilled with
me than he had ever been with any
other woman.”

Donna admitted she never knew much
about his whereabouts during the day.
While she was at Juilliard or practicing
at home, his vidco jobs kept him moving
around, and on the few occasions when
she did try to phone the
number he gave her, no one ever an-
swered. Eventually, they agreed that he
should move in with her, and when he
did she was astonished at how few be-
longings he brought with him—one suit,
a few shirts, two pairs of slacks, two
pairs of shoes, and a toilet kit. Was that
all there was? she wondered. Then she

him at

noticed that he didn't carry any adit
cards. or a driver's license, or even an
address book. and he never got апу
phone calls or received any mail. When
she asked him about this. he said he
was a freelancer, successful enough to be
free of such mundane things a» appoint-
ment books and monthly bills. He in-
sisted on being paid in cash, he said,
and he paid cash for everything he
bought

He v indefatigable lover. and
Donna found his lovemaking so spon-
taneous, his orgasms so frequent, his
sperm so plentiful, that she never doubt-
ed that he was faithful to her. Moreover,
she never detected on him the slightest
trace of any perfume or lipstick or pow-
der but her own.

Then, one day. said Donna, Andrea
Gwynplaine, a fellow student at Juil-
liard. invited her and some other stu-
dents over to the apartment of Chick
Mercurio, Andrea's boyfriend, to see Ode
10 Joy. a porno flick that w
то be a parody of a Broadway musical
When the started, Marcello—
billed as Dick Longo in the credits—
appeared on the screen, naked. in front
of a mirror in a theater dressing room,
masturbating himself with one hand
and a grotesquely fat, platinum-blonde
woman with the other

The shock was so sudden, so extreme,
that for a moment she refused to

із supposed

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believe the evidence before her. But she
kept on watching zs Dick Longo went
through a string of sleazy starlets, dem-
onstrating his—apparently proverbia
ability to produce a fresh orgasm at
every twist of the Ісі» idiotic plot, As
Andrea and her boyfriend and the other
students in the darkened room cheered
the hotter moments of the film and
made crude jokes about bodily parts of
its stars, Donna slowly realized that it
not Dick Longo, who was the
main star of the screening.

When the lights came back on, none
of those in the room indicated to Donna
in any way that they had recognized
Dick Longo as her boyfriend, Marcello.
For their added amusement, Andrea be-

to distribute Xerox copies of a
no magazine interview with Dick
Longo, profusely illustrated with stills
from his movie, in which the star ad
miticd to having made hundreds of
porno loops every year for the past three
or four y that not a
single working day of that time had
г Р
in front of the camera—at least a couple
of orgasms. Sensing the other students
gazing [urtively at her, Donna said, she
felt naked before them, as if they were
the strangers of the Dead Heat who had
just succeeded in raping her.

Donna paused and looked at Domo-
stroy, expecting some reaction, but he

was she,

rs and boasted

sed without his having had—on cu

sat motionless, crushed and disarmed
He was wondering whether Andrea had
told him the truth when she said that
Donna went right on living with Mar-
cello long after she discovered that he
was Dick Longo. If it were true, what
hellish need in her, Domostroy won-
dered, could have made her punish her-
self so? What was Donna's private ode
to joy?

As if sensing his thoughts, Donna con-
tinued her story. She said that she went
home after the screening and waited for
Marcello to show up. She knew just
what she would do when he entered,
dean and freshly shaven and amorous
as usual. She would grab a kitchen knife,
the longest one she had, and, like an
addict in a she would stib and
slash and cut him as long as his body
kept on jerking and twitching and turn-
ing, until his blood filled his lungs and
throat and drowned out the last gurgle
of his lifc

But, she said, when at last he did
come home, freshly bathed, smelling of
cologne, sporting a new haircut and
wanting to kiss her exactly as she had
imagined, all she could manage to do
was ask him, just like that, why in
all their time together he had never told
her that every day, when he left her,
he went off to fuck all those white and
black and yellow cunts, front and back,

one after another, one next to the other.
one on top of the other, on cue in
front of a camera, to be paid in cash for
every orgasm—all during the time he was
supposed to be in love with her.

All he answered was that, as he had
told her from the start, he loved only
her. He sid that fucking all those
countless cunts was his job; that when
he was with them, his prick was no
different from а таеш" hand; and
that only with Donna had he been able
to bridge that sexual distance which,
until he had met her, had remained
open like a chasm between himself and
the dead heat of his life.

She neither screamed nor kicked him
out, nor did she end the relationship
until several more months had passed.

With sudden clarity, she saw that
during those months together it was
she who, with palpable abandon, had
been using him in order to experience
herself through him, to bridge the sexual
expanse that, before she met him, she
had felt gaping open in her. Now, һе-
cause of what she had learned from him,
distance was bridged, and she was
whole. Marcello had been, she said,
nothing but a bystander in the process,
one more lecherous paw reaching out
to touch her from the dark recesses of
d Heat.

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‘arm and йе
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ped envelope to:

199

PLAYBOY

200

BOOM DREAMS (continued from page 166)

“Tf you got long hair, you have to watch out for the

cowboys... the guys with pointy boots and bowlegs.

2»

Wild Bill said he thought burglary
was probably the numba-one crime in
Gillette. "Everybody 1 know has had

something ripped off—stereos, that sort
of thing. Somebody just stole a Harley
engine and transmission from me.”

"Out of your garage?” 1 asked him.
"Out of my living room," he said.
“IE you got long hair," said Scortch,

looking at my mop, "you have to watch
out for the cowboys. I don't mean the
urban cowboys, neither. I mean the guys
with the pointy boots and the bowlegs
who drive around in their pickups with
a deer rifle behind their head and a 327
Magnum sitting right out on the dash-
board. You don't want to fuck with
them."

When I asked about the shortage of
women, some of them laughed and some

“Not only am 1 against evolution but I’m not so sure
about gravity and relativity, either."

of them just shook their heads.

“It’s probably only five or six to one
these days." said Wild Bill. "Which is
plenty bad enough, because there ain't
по whorchouses of any kind around here.
Nothing. So you have to work with what.
you got, which is one of the reasons
there are so many fights. Makes things
very tense. You have to see ladies’ night
at the Ramada while you're here. Defi-
nitely one of the high points of the
week.”

That afternoo

I drove Scortch down:
town to the brand-new Campbell County
Courthouse and watched as his young
lawyer made a deal with the D.A. for a
reduction of the charge. It turned out,
according to state tests, that the powder
he had been busted with was not heroin,
as the sheriff's lab had said. but a brown
amphetamine dust called. peanut-butter.
crank. which is what Scortch had said
Ш along. He pleaded guilty to
possession of a controlled substance, and
a young, bearded judge gave him a S110
fine and 90 days probation on drug
related offenses. His lawyer charged him
a grand.

it w

1 was staying at the Ramada, а com-
pletely unremarkable set of twostory
buildings surrounded by several empty
acres of asphalt, and 100 yards from the
railroad line, which rumbles and
ngs and whistles with coal trains 24
hours a day.

About eight o'clock that evening, I
walked through a cold wind and a light
snow to the bar that is called the Gay.
Nineties. Bolted to the wall just outside
the door are four slightly redundant
wooden signs, each with a short warning
burned onto it. FIGHTS FOUL OUT OR BE
PROSECUTED, says thc first, and next to it,
NO HATS ON, ONLY DRESS SHOES AND BOOTS,
and below that, PLEASE RI
ERS, FIGHTS FOUL OUT and DRESS CODE
ENFORCED, NEAT AND CLEAN,

Inside the large room, things were
pretty quiet. Three women bartender
filled the coolers with beer, while the
anager set up a bar without a cash
gister at the back of the room. Small
groups of men wandered in, looking as
if they had just shaved, showered and
picked out their best shirts. The few
women who came in carly were dressed
ns and tops, and they
moved as if they had been through this
before. While the watched them.
openly, they watched the men, being
careful not to catch their eyes.

By 8:30, the flashing lights under the
floor of the disco-style dance pit had
been turned on and the staff was bracing
itself for the crush. A man on an ele-
vated platform began to play rock'n"
roll records, but nobody got up to dance.
Next to him on a small stage, a six-piece

PECT OTI

men

р Ye
A Ente

Take a shotat making your lucky lass a winner.

[CIT D DD II D D I-II SSS SSS SS T D SS SS SS SS SS SS SSS DD

Schlitz is looking for pictures of the fairest lasses in the land. It's the Schlitz
Miss l'Rish photo contest. Some lucky lady will be crowned Miss l'Rish 1983.
And it could be someone you know.

Miss l'Rish will be awarded a $2,000 modeling fee and she'll be featured іп
next year's "I'Rish | Had A Schlitz" merchandising campaign. The two runners
up receive a $750.00 modeling fee.

Schlitzllies the three finalists to Milwaukee for a photo session and final judging.
The Photography Director of PLAYBOY selects the winner.

Take a shot at it. Enter a photo of your favorite Colleen today. All entries must
be postmarked no later than April 17, 1982. So be quick about it, lad!

Here's how you enter:

1. To enter the contest, your favorite lass must consent by signing the entry
blank. Send a clear color photograph of her with a completed entry form or
a 3" x 5" card with her name, address, telephone number, age, eye color and
hair color, and mail to “W’Rish 1 Had A Schlitz" Contest, Jos. Schlitz Brewing
Company, 235 West Galena Street (M.D.3202), Milwaukee, Wisconsin 53212.
2. Your Miss IRish should be photographed in her favorite Irish outfit. All color
photographs must be at least 3" x 3" but no larger than 8" x 10". They be-
come the property of the Jos. Schlitz Brewing Company and will not be returned.
3. Entries must be postmarked by April 17, 1982 and received by May 1, 1982.
You may enter once.

4. Your favorite lass must be of legal drinking age in her state of residence and
State of submission at the time of entry. Employees and their families of the

Jos. Schlitz Brewing Company, its distributors, affiliates, subsidiaries, advertis-
ing agencies, and of PLAYBOY, and retail licensees, are not eligible. Proof of
eligibility may be required.

5. The “I'Rish | Had A Schlitz" Colleen will be chosen by the independent
Photography Director of PLAYBOY Magazine, whose decision will be final. The
finalists will be flown to Milwaukee, Wisconsin, where their photographs will be
taken by the Jos. Schlitz Brewing Company. All expenses will be paid for the
"['Rish 1 Had A Schlitz” finalists’ stay in Milwaukee, and they'll be required to.
execute a model's release.

6. The winning Colleen will be chosen by May 28, 1982, and notified by
June 11, 1982

7. No purchase is necessary to enter. Void where prohibited by law. All federal,
slate and local laws and regulations apply.

NANE (PLEASE PRINT CLEARLY) AGE
ADDRES | Pup гар 8

am STATE ae
тотай TYE COLOR HAR COLOR.

201

PLAYBOY

combo began setting up its instruments
and adjusting the spotlights. More men.
drifted in. Then the bouncer arrived:
6/2", about 275 pounds, wearing jeans
tucked into heavy boots a black-satin
jacket with a Harley-Davidson eagle on
the back апа, under one arm, a billy
club that looked like a shovel handle
that had been sawed or bitten ой. Her
name is Joey and she is very famous
The gang 1 had been with that after-
noon told me they had seen her hustle a
couple of big oil hands out the door one
night by the collars of their down vest:
They also told me she is a very nice per
son when she is olf duty. She ditched
her club in the stock room, then took a
tour of the floor as if she were John
Matuszak, which she basically is.

At exactly nine. the price of a drink
for a man went up to $2.25, the free
was opened and the women began to
arrive as if they were grunion that had
been waiting offshore for the moon to
become full. Almost all of them were in
their carly 20s, some plain, some pretty,

nd as they found seats at the large
round tables, they waved to friends and
checked out the new faces. Within ten
minutes, every scat and most of the
standing room was taken. It looked to
be about 300 people, maybe more, and
just about the time movement of any
e impossible, the man ar the
door began letting people in only when
someone went out.

The band, which looked and sounded
like Las Vegas rejects, began with an
casy-listening set. There were angry calls
for rock "n' roll, but slowly the dance
floor filled with couple:
smiled at each other

most of whom
as if they wer

strangers. Joey patrolled the room with
a scowl. The ladies lined up six deep at
the free bar and then squeezed, bumped
ables

and slithered back to the
through the tight thicket of hungry
bodies. For the most part, they seemed
to ignore what was happening to them

n the deeper parts of the human forest,
though now and then, a particularly
drunken or desperate pair of hands pro-
voked a tough look or rough words from
one of the women.

The waitresses arrived back at the bar
straightening their clothes, swearing and

ach other away from th

sectors of the room. They left

holding ten and 12 drinks on a tray over
their heads and shifting their hips the

way running backs do.

By 11. ladies’ night seemed to be do-
ing its job. The room had mixed and
heated, and those who were going home
with someone had staked their claims
and were working them hard. The rest
were putting the final touches on a
drunk that was going to help them for-
get they were going home alone.

There were no fights I saw that ladies?

202 night. There was at least one tense

moment, though, when a prety little
brunette bartender leaned across the bot-
tle wells toward а "Ludestupid drunk
and offered to have Joey over to kick his
ass if he didn’t stop yelling and pound-
the bar. For just a second, he looked
at her as if he might do something
ungentlemanly. He didn't, but I couldn't
help thinking as I watched the bar-
tender go back to washing her glasses
that the most dangerous jobs in town
probably weren't on the rigs or in the.
coalpits and probably didn't belong to
the men.

In fact, almost every bartender I saw
in Gillette was a woman,
them ran their bars with сазе and with
the confidence of a protected spe

One evening later in the week, Burt
troduced me to a bright-eyed and sav-
vy waitress at the country-and-western
called [he Mine Shaft. Her пате
was Terra, she was 25 years old and she
ad been іп town two years. When I
ked her what it was like to be a woman
in Razor City, she said I ought to sit
down with her and a friend named Rob-
in and they would tell me all about it.

Both of them turned out to be from
California, Terra from Sonoma, Robin
from Seal Beach. and they said theyd
met in the bathroom one ladies’ night
at the Ramada. They laughed as they
r nded each other of the details, and
both of them said that the friendship
they struck up that night was the only
thing that had brought them through
Robin called “this strange para-
graph of life.

Terra had been in town two months
when they met. and she had a job at
Powder River Explosives for five dollars
an hour. Robin had just arrived in
town, and that night Terra introduced
her to the boss at the explosives plant.
He and Robin danced one dance and

he offered her a job.
The

two of them worked [or six

e
amping the bags,
ing them onto trucks.
It way crazy,” Terra said. "We'd get
up in the morning, usually hung over,
then we'd smoke a joint—you had to
get high—then we'd go out there and
laugh at cach other throwing these
heavy bags around all day. We must
€ gone through a ton of that rub for
sore muscles, because we were growing
muscles we never grew before and it
was pain.

"t was different,” said Robin. “I
never did anything physical before, just.
mental and technical. 10 was the first
time E ever got home from work looking
nd feeling like Га put in a full day.
It’s a good feeling."

From there, the two of them took jobs
at The Mine Shaft.

"Its like a combat zone on the floor,”

Terra said. “The guys grab you, and
pinch you, and йе you, to the point
that you have to spill a whole way full
of drinks on their heads just to cool
them down. And every time a fight
breaks out, I swear I'm right in the
middle of it. Гуе been hit two times in
that bar trying to break up fights."
Robin was laughing. “It’s like the
wild, wild West," she said, “it really is.
One night. some fool tied his truck to
The Mine Shaft sign, took off. ripped
the sign out, ripped the whole corner

Both of them told me that if 1 moved
from California to Wyoming, it would
be like going into slow motion.

They said the people talked slower,
that the traffic in town crept along and
that the music and the clothes were two
years behind things on the Coast. But
both of them said they liked it that way
for a change.

When I asked them what it was
to be outnumbered the way they were,
both of them laughed as if they could
have talked for а week 1914 me
only the half of it
me of the girls can handle it and
some can't" said Terra. “Vd say most
of them are bad-ass enough to deal with

ike

and

more than one guy. For some of them,
though. it’s their first time away from
home and they go crazy kids in a candy

store. These guys have no girlfriends,
remember, and lots of money. and they'll
buy you the world for a night. They
don't tell you that till morning, of
course. But it’s tough, in а way, because
the guys who really have their shit to-
gether are here to make money so they
сап go someplace they want to be. They
stay here for a few years and work thei
butts off, and they don't want to get
into a serious relationship. because they
know they're going to leave. And those
€ the good ones, the nice ones. 1 mean,
I get asked out a hundred times a night
at the bar, but by the end of my shift,
there might be two guys left . . . wob-
bling. And | don't want somebody I'm
going to have to carry out to the car."
"When you do hook up w
‘ound here.” said Robin, "they're very
possessive. They think a woman's place
is at home cooking and slopping the
pigs. They don’t even want you to work.
nd Ive seen guys jump out of their
trucks in the middle of the road to go
alter somebody who just looked a little
too hard at their girlfriend.”

“You especially have to watch yor
around the cowboys.” said Terra. “Тһе
guys with the permanent Skoal mark
worn into their back pockets, who work
on the land around here and come into
town maybe once a week. I w
7-Eleven one time during Cowboy Days.
very macho time around here. It w
shift change, so there were about 100
guys in there, and one of them looked at

h guys

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PLAYBOY

my shoulder and saw the butterfly T
have there and he says, ‘Only whores
have tattoos.’ So I said, ‘Only cowboys
suck the big one,’ or something like that,
and this guy grabbed me by the arm,
spun me around and jacked my jaw. 1
mean, laid mc out. I couldn't believe it.”

"She got home," said Robin, "and the

whole side of her face was puffed up,
her eye was closed. We laughed. Some-
times we look at each other and just
break up. "We're still here
"What the hell are we doing?”
But it's an adventure," said Terra.
A one-time thing," Robin put in.
Not like anyplace I've ever been. Some-
thing we'll remember all our lives, some-
thing we can tell our grandchildren
about.”

“This place is right out of a Western
movie," "Terra said finally. "You think
these things don't happen anymore, but
they do. Right here.”

:
Wyoming ranks last in the continental
Union if you line the states up by popu-
lation. In! fact, even with. the - cnergy
boom, there are fewer people in the
whole state than there are in the city of
‘Tucson, Arizona, and now and then dur-
ing my weck in Gillette, that emptiness
was made graphic. One morning, Lee
and I rode east out of town toward
an oil rig Га asked to see. We were on
Interstate 90, a four-lane freeway, when
we passed a guy with a bandanna for a
hat who was skate-boarding happily
down the slow lane. Now and then, he
made a casual glance back over his
shoulder, but he didn't seem very
worried. He waved when we went by.
"Ten miles from town, we turned south
onto a wellgraded dirt road, then for
Part Of Our annie uon ub we alee Inte

rustcolored dust plume behind us as
igebrush,

National Heritage Е ИМЕ

“Red dirt and brown grass," Lee said
“You'd think it would be pretty, but it
sure ain't."

Lee had friends on the rig we were
headed for, and when it came into view,
we turned off onto a short access road
and parked among the pickups. The
wind was up and it was cold. The five-
man crew was dressed in insulated jump
suits and hard hats with ear flaps. They
were cementing when we arrived, and
Lee’s friends were on the ground under
the deck, mucking the thick gray over-

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t barbed wire,

In 1776, Benjamin Franklin
proposed that the Wild Turkey
be adopted as the symbol of
our country. He pointed out
that this majestic bird is
native only to the American
Continent. flow with shovels. We slogged through

It seems only fitting that EM the awful mud, then climbed a ladder
the Wild Turkey later became | WILD % Do е
the symbol of our country’s EIU ыты DE
greatest native whiskey.

you these men are essentially plumbers.
WILD TURKEY / 101 PROOF/8 YEARS OLD

diesel fumes and the smell of earthy
gases coming up from the hole

the time we had been on the rig for 20
minutes, I couldn't feel my fingers for

The air on the deck was rouen with

nd by

“See here, Cecile, this sim ply won't do. Please be
good enough to return my letters.”

std

205

PLAYBOY

206

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the cold, and my head ached from the
noise and the smell.

Back in the car, 1 grumbled about the
mud I couldn't shake, or bang. or scrape
off my boots

“You don't wear any clothes into the
patch that you want to use for anything
else.” Lee told me. “If you go into the
Jaundromats in town, you'll see big signs
оп certain machines that say, GREASERS,
because if you put your regular clothes
in a machine that’s washed oil clothes,
they come out looking like dirt and
smelling like diesel.”

I told him I thought getting that dirty
y day would take a lot of geuing
used to.

I don't mind getting dirt he said,
"because I guess I never had a job where
I didn't. But you do it for the money.
Last year. І worked as a worm and a
chain hand, the bottom two jobs on the
rig. and I made 525,000. "Course. I went
home to Minnesota
"What have you got to show for
I didn't have nothing. I keep telling
myself I'm going to get one more big
check and take off, but I never do. Still
1 hate to think of myself growing old
in the patch.”

On our way back to town, we made

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Lee thought he might be able to get
work. When we got there, the
driller told him yes, chances were good.
He was exactly one man short, he said,
because that morning his chain hand had
been blown across the rig in а minor
pressure explosion. They weren't sure
how badly he was hurt, but he was in
the hospital, having his ribs checked and
his head X-rayed.

I dropped Lee north of town in a
subdivision of hurry-up houses called
Rawhide Village. On the way in, T said
something about prefabricated houses?
being to houses what TV dinners are
to dinners.

“You can stand in the basement of
one of these places,” he said, "and if
alk in а normal voice, they can
you perfectly in the living room.
And last summer, 1 brought lMriend
of mine out here from Minnesota, just a
liule girl. no power to her at all, and
we were sitting in bed and T said some-
thing funny, and she threw her head
back laughing and punched a hole right
in the wall."

some

“We're not here to rape, pillage and
burn the prairie" Ed Calahan told me
as we drove down a meticulously kept
dirt road into the huge pit they call
the Belle Ayr Mine. Calahan is the
manager of Belle Ayr. the largest coal
mine in the U.S. and one of 16 near
Gillette. He was pointing out the win-
dow at 540 acres of hilly grassland that
had been returned to its original to-
pography and ecology after the coal had
been mined out from under it. “We

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207

PLAYBOY

I was looking hard to see if I could
tell the difference between the reclaimed
land and the untouched prairie adjacent
to it, but I couldn't. Except, maybe, for
the rocks. Somehow, nature strews its
boulders less carefully than man, and
the rocks on the recreated land looked
like they might have been placed by
Japanese gardeners. All in all, though,
it looks very good, and is a ше to
what man can do if he is forced to.
Environmentalists say that this kind of
reclamation is likely to sink and slide
under the first really heavy rains, but
they don't get many of those around
this arid country, so nobody really
knows what the land here will look like
in 100 years.

The working end of the mine is a
huge open slash 100 feet deep, and it
is alive h a relentless traffic of monster
dump trucks that come and go from the
huge power shovels as they tear at the
high black cliffs. It takes only four scoop-
fuls, about one and a half minutes, to
load 120 tons into these trucks. Then
they drive a mile to the crusher, dump
the Ioad and head back for another. It's
a process that goes on 24 hours a day, six
days a week, and in January of 1981,

Belle Ayr shipped 1,500,000 tons of coal.

Calahan drove us slowly and carefully
through the pit. We were in a large
four-wheel-drive station wagon, but
felt like a golf cart up against the traffic
of the awesome earth movers. The driv-
ers of these trucks sit in a cab that is 15
feet off the ground, and the blind spot
behind them is huge. They will tell you
that when one of these mach ас
dentally backs over a pickup, they some-
times don't even feel the bump.

As we stood on the bank of the pit,
watching the massive operation, it wa:
obvious Calahan liked his job. He com-
pared it to leading an orchestra or play-
ing in a masters chess game. “Sometimes
I like to just sit here and watch," he
told me. "Every once in a while, ГЇЇ
even drive a truck for a time, just to get
the feel of it again.”

Earlier that morning, in his office, 1
asked him if he thought the election of
Ronald Reagan was going to make it
easier for coal companies like Атах to
do business. At which point he smiled
the biggest smile of the morning and
pointed to a jar of jelly beans that was
g on his desk.

On the way back into town, I stopped
at Amax headquarters for a talk with
one of its publicrelations men, Geoff
Emerson. I badgered him for a while

“Universal Dynamics is down twelve and a half points
and you expect me to gel an erection?"

about the fact that the roads in the coal-
pit were better mai ned t the
roads in town, and J asked him if he
thought the energy companies were do-
ing enough to help Gillette with its
boom-town troubles.

He said yes; then he told me about
the 129 softball teams that the com-
panies sponsor every year. and about
the piano they had donated to the old-
folks home at Christmas. When 1 told

him it sounded like peanuts to me, he
said

it was much more than the coal
ast ever did for the
towns. I went on with him about it for
a while, and then, when I felt enough
like a golf cart among the earth movers,
I stopped.

Just before I left, I asked him if he
iked living in a town that was almost
without trees.

“When you move into town,” he said,
“the first thing you notice is the absence
of trees, and it bothers the hell out of
you. But when you've been here for a
while, you almost get to like it. TI
sounds funny, but I'm serious. I'm from
Indiana, and when I go back there now,
I almost feel claustrophobic, because I
can’t see anything. You have all these
trees in the way."

By the time I left Gillette, the weather
had turned nasty and they were about
to get some of the winter they had been
missing; but whatever petty complaints
Га had about the place were gone. Fi-
nally. it seemed like an honest town to
me. All the people I met seemed to be
getting exactly what they wanted out of
the place, and if they weren't, I suppose
they could always break a few windows
and go home.

I never got around to any of the
hard-core cowboy bars, and I never did
meet any real cowboys. My hair was a
little too long for an appointment like
that, and I couldn't help thinking that
there might yet be a shaving down on
Gillette Avenue, although if there is, it
will most likely be a bunch of cowboys
with buck knives who go to work on an
oil hand or a railroad man.

I'm not sure what ГЇЇ do when I get
back to Wyoming—drive a cab, work on
the rigs, ride the trains, charge a fee to
write letters home for the illiterate. I'm
what FH do without trees,

sure

once I have a few of
those big pay checks in my account,
once I've paid some of my debts and
have me a pickup truck with a nice tape
machine in it, my horticultural perspec-
tives could swing all the way around the
way Geoff Emerson's did. And if worst
comes to worst, I hear there's a place
about 30 miles east of town where you
can go and visit some trees. Under the
circumstances, that may have to do.

While American Creme and the most popular imported cream liqueur both
offer you a rich premium taste, American-made American Creme is only about half the price.
So why pay the difference if you can't taste the difference?

210

PLAYBOY POTPOURRI

people, places, objects and events of interest or amusement

LET'S GET SMASHED
Forty years ago, it was the atom that mankind
wanted to smash. Today, it’s Rubik's Cube and
all the sneaky spin-offs that that crazy mixed-up
checkerboard puzzle has spawned. To aid you
in cube crushing, Hill Designs, P.O. Box 252.

Redwood City, California 94063, is marketing a
55 molded-plastic paddle it's dubbed The
Cube Smasher that’s designed to knock the
bejesus out of any puzzle you can't solve.

It makes a great mugger basher, too.

FLASH ATTACHMENT
It's a corporate jungle out there and sometimes
the undergrowth can creep across one's desk,
burying important messages amid the foliage. If
that's your excuse for not calling Mr. Big

back when he wanted to promote you, take note:

The Flasher, a desktop device that begins to
blink when a message is inserted into it, costs
only $14.95 sent to Billy the Kid Promotions.
1382
And to further attract your attention, its little
viewer takes the naughty slide of your choice.

lifton Boulevard, Lakewood, Ohio 44107.

BAG JOB
Asif the whole singles-
mingles scene weren't
enough to put you perma-
nently in the bag, now
comes one more example of
man’s inhumanity to his
fellow species—the Hag
Bag, a cloth head covering
“for those vhen
we just ca
imprinted with the face of
a lovely girl. The manu-
facturer, Bug 'N' Us
Productions, P.O. Box 2141,
Chico, California 95927,
sells Hag Bags for $7 cach,
postpaid, But relax, libbers,
guys get equal time
in the sack, as Bug 'N' Us
also makes a male bag fea-
turing the face of a
handsome mustachioed fel-
low. When you're not
pulling a Hag Bag over the
head of some hapless date,
you can always tote your
lunch in one. Lucky you

GENTLEMEN, BE CEDARED!

We think our modern-living feature in this issue describing how to
turn your bath intoa home spa is quite a splashy one, but

there wasn't room to include a simple yet enjoyable product that’s
nothing more than а 244 x 24” cedar shower-stall pallet. (It can
also be used alongside the shower or tub in place of а bath mat.)
mpany named Cedar-äl in Clallam Bay, Washington

6, sells the pallet for $34.95, postpaid. Water definitely won't
and it smells mighty good, too. Step on it!

983
rot i

WRAPPERS! BY GUM!
Any aging adolescent can collect bubble-
gum cards, but it takes a true connoisseur
of the genre to put his moncy where
his sticky mouth usually is and treasure
bubble-gum wrappers. Yes, those
waxy sheets that once wrapped cards and
chews are now worth big dough, and it's
all chronicled in an ad-filled publication
called The Wrapper, which comes
out eight times a year for $13 from 309
lowa Court, Carol Stream, Illinois 60187.
Let's hope that nobody is into used gum.

WINNING THE BORE WAR
Ma g People Glad to See You Leave,”
When Nothing Else Works, Try Bullshit”
and “How to Be Rude in Restaurants”
are just three of the chapters in How to
Lose Friends and Influence Enemies, a
nauseatingly funny 100-page book by Phil
Anders (his business card reads: PHIL
ANDERS, ASSHOLE) that's available from the
publisher, PZA!, One Anders Tower, Box
12852, Dallas, Texas 75225, for only
$4.95, postpaid. Right now, it's number
one on the Worst-Seller List.

THE ART OF JAZZ
Pictured at right is Self-Portrait
of the Young Man as an Artist, an
original painting by drummer
Lenny White thats one of four
limited-edition renderings by
White, Ron Carter, Bob Moses
and Art Blakey that make up
Jazz Portfolio “81, a quartet of
signed and numbered litho-
graphs by these world-famous
musicians. Frank Fedele Fine
Arts, 42 East 57th Street, New
York, New York 10022, sells the
sct for $600, postpaid. If that
note's a bit too high. it also offers
poster versions at $30 each, post-
paid. The $480 you save will go a
long way toward rounding off
those squared corners in your
burgeoning jazz collection.

THE NEW SKIN GAME

Last October, PLAYBOY previewed
Tattoo, the steamy flick in

which Bruce Dern and Maud
Adams cavort wearing nought
but dragons, flowers and other
artful designs that tattooist Dern
inscribes on their skin. The
tattoos in the film aren't real,

of course, but Somachrome, the
company that's marketing

the unique, semipermanent body
paint used in it, is—and now
you can buy a Temptu tempo-
rary-tattoo kit for $20, post-
paid, from Somachrome, 242 W.
38th Street, New York, New

York 10018. The designs resist
repeated washing yet they can bc
removed with a harmless solu-
tion. Beauty, again, is skin-deep.

EXPENSIVE PEEP SHOW
Тһе people at Telescope Repro-
ductions Ltd., Р.О. Box 575,

Mill Valley, California 94942,
make such beautiful brass-and-
mahogany copies of vintage
instruments that even the Smith-
sonian Institution sells them.
Model I is a $2800 replica of an
1840 English telescope origi:
nally used to spot pennants on
incoming clipper ships. Model II
is a $1450 desktop telescope
similar to the type aristocratic
18th Century snoops peeked
through. Or, if portability is your
optical pleasure, there's а 34%-
long captain's spyglass with

a turned mahogany barrel and a
collapsible sunshade for only
5575. If you're going to be a
Peeping Tom, peep with style.

211

PLAYBOY

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(continued from page 145)
names of her descendants—was born 130

years ago in the southwest corner of
a Caribbean island. There was nothing
wrong with Amaranta, as far as we

know—she seems to have led a normal
and ordinary life. Вис there was som
thing wrong with the genes she left
behind in her children. Seven genera-
tions later, Amaranta's genes have been
located in 23 families in three separate
villages, And in 38 individuals in those
families, the strange inheritance that
Amaranta passed down to them has been
expressed. Those 38 were born, to all
appearances, as girls. They grew up as
girls. And they became boys at puberty
Take the ten children of Gerincldo
and Pilar Babilonia, for example. Four
of them have been through this extraor-
dinary transformation. The eldest,
Prudencio, was born with an apparent
vagina and a female body shape. He was
christened Prudencia and, Pilar swears,
was tied to his mother’s apron str
and kept apart from the village boys to
help with women's work. But then his
voice began to deepen; around the
of 12, his “clitoris” grew into a penis
and two hidden testicles descended into
a scrotum formed from the lips of his
“vagina.” He became a male. “He
changed clothes,” says his father. “And
he fell in love with a girl almost
i iately.”
у, Prudencio is in his early 30s, a
brawny, elaborately muscled man. He is
sexually potent and he lives with his
wife in the United States. Like 17 of the
18 children studied by a group at Cornell

195

University led by scientist Julianne
Imperato-McGinley—all of whom. she
says, were raised unambiguously as

girls—he s
lems adjusting to both male gender and
male roles.

It is that that makes Prudencio and
the other Caribbean children important
And is that that has caused, in the
Eighties, side-taking and a general furor
in the scientific community. Prudencio
and the others are genetically male. But
they have inherited from Amaranta not a
general insensitivity to testosterone, like
Mrs. Went's, but an inability to process
it on to another hormone. dihydrotes-
tosterone, which is responsible for shap-
ing the male genitals in the male fetus.
So they are born looking like girls. And
they are raised as girls. At puberty,
though, their bodies are pervaded by a
new rush of male hormones. Their male
parts—which have been waiting in the
wings, so to speak—finally establish
themselves. And nature finishes the job
it had earlier botched.

The children, though, do not have
the psychological breakdown that the
conventional wisdom of science predicts
they should have. And that is crucial. For

ms to have had few prob-

ЕЯ

"I sometimes wonder what it is that turns you on,
Genghis—me or the scent of scorched earth.”

213

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it means, depending on which side you're
on in this scientific brouhaha, one of
two things. Either the children were
really raised as boys from the beginning,
or at least with a great deal of confusion
about what sex they were (which their
parents and Imperato-McGinley deny),
or they were born with a male brain al-
ready established in their female bodies,
a male brain that simply came into its
own when their bodies changed. By that
argument, not only the body is sexed
at birth but also the brain. And by that
argument, nature, іп gender behavior,
is every bit as important as nurture.
Learning may have little to do with it.

That is the scientific possibility of
the Eighties, underwritten to an extent
by the bizarre experience of the Carib-
bean children and suggested further by
a whole range of experiments and
studies being conducted in laboratories
ound the world, And that possibility
strikes right at the heart of a number
of attitudes we hold dear. It is по won-
der, then, that feminists and homosex
uals, as well as scientists from а
are beginning to join this fr
the claims of natu i5 ainst those of
nurture—are upheld, then it may be
that we will have to give up the struggle
to make Jenny and Johnny alike, in an
attempt to do aw th the sexual in-
equalities of the past; Jenny and Johnny
may be born with intrinsically different
bilities and skills, acquired through
evolution. And it may be that we will
have to accept the fact that those who
become homosexual in adult life are not
in some sense “made” by the environ-
ment in which they were brought up.
Nor are they the product of a free
choice. Rather, they were born homo-
sexual, in the body of one sex but with
the brain—to one degree or another—
of the other sex. nter Dörner, ап
East German professor whom we met
а recent conference
gland. belie
Пу in males. And he bel
society should now face the ques
whether or not it wants to “си
homosexuality in the womb by giv
fetuses at risk male hormones.

Nature versus nurture. Men
women. Are sex and 5; behavior
learned? Or are we prisoners of gende
From the accidents of nature, there is
evidence on both sides. And that is what
makes the debate often so angry. Ther
are the cases of Mrs. Went and Mr.
Blackwell, as we have seen—both of
them content with the sex of thei
ing. And there is the case of the
can male identical twin whose penis was
accidentally severed at seven months—
the twin was surgically altered and is
being successfully raised as his brother's
sister. Those all demonstrate the dom-
inant importance of learning in sexual
behavior.

But other cases and reports, equally

versus

bizarre, support the thesis that mas-
culinity and femininity are actually
hard-wired into the brain before birth
and arc not simply Icarncd by thc child.
"There is the patient seen by Richard
Green of the State. University of. New
York who was born with ambiguous
genitals and raised as a girl but insisted
throughout childhood that she was a
boy—she threw away her dolls and took
up trucks; she formed male peer groups
and she was extremely tomboyish. There
is the patient seen by Robert Stoller of
the University of California who looked
like а girl and was raised as a girl and.
after a decade of demanding to be treat-
ed as а boy, was told at puberty that
she was right—she had undescended
testicles. There is still, too, the puzzling
case of the Caribbean children. In. the
past five or six years, Imperato-McGin-
ley, from her base at Cornell, has tracked
down several other instances of the rare
Caribbean syndrome. And she has
found an odd corollary to their story.
Of the children born outside the United
States, all scem to have made the transi-
tion from female to male relatively com-
fortably—in a New Guinea tribe in
which the sexes are segregated at birth
nd raised separately. two "girls" had
то be suddenly rushed through. puberty
rites and initiated as men.

But the eight children she found from
this country were recognized as odd soon
[ter birth, and all waces of masculinity,
including a relatively enlarged clitoris,
were surgically removed. Those children
were made into girls. They are now in
their late teens and consider themselves
female, but five of them scem to have
psychological problems, says Imperato-
McGinley. It is not clear that they can
make it as women.

If they can't, the reason, quite simply,

be that their brain is the wrong

sex for their body. Primed to be male,
it finds itself in a female environ

acnt—
nd ex

огу

encouraged to female beh.
posed to female hormones. And it can-
not cope. This is the bottom line of
the science of the Eighties: the brain.
And this is the question being urgently
asked by more and more scientists from
different disciplines: Are the brains of
males and females as different as their
bodies? It is a vital question for scien-
tists, because the differences between
males and females provide a way into the
question of how the brain orchest

мез
different motivations and behaviors. But
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who we are as men and women—our
place in nature, our gifts and the evolved
purpose behind our relationships.
.

Your brain is not an isolated organ; it
is an integral part of what appear to be
the outlands of your body. Your retinas,
for example, which you are using to read
this, ше one of your brain's ways of

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gathering information about its environ-
The sensory your
fingers, as you continue to hold these
pages open, are your brain's way of
learning what the fingers are touching.
And the nerves in your muscles, as you
shift your arms and flex your legs, атс
no more than your brain's agents for
making you move about. At one end of
the scale of your life, as you sit or Не or
loll here, is the world of the senses—
information delivered to your brain by
ht (sight), chemicals (taste and smell)
and mechanical forces and pressures
(hearimg and touch). At the other end
are your brain's responses to that world
and its attempts to influence it: your
skimming of a paragraph or reaching
for a cup. And between the two stand
thought, memory, pleasure, boredom,
foresight, personality and gender iden-
tity—everything that makes men and
women human: your brain. It is a
forest of 100 billion nerve cells in the
bone case of your skull, whose branches,
if laid end to end, would stretch to the
moon and back. It is two pinkish-gray
handfuls of gelatinlike tissue, whorled
like a walnut, turned їп upon itself,
hungry for oxygen and chemical energy
and driven by enough electricity to light
Iso who you are.
is always a shorthand for "your
for “my brain." When you
feel pain, it is your brain that feels it;
when you use a drug to control it. it is
your brain that you are treating. When
you take a drink or a smoke or am upper,
itis your brain that is seeking to alter
and manipulate its own chemistry. And
when you are sexually aroused, it is your
brain that organizes the behavior that
will lead to its own fulfillment. The
roots of every action and every skill are
in the brain. The brain is the conductor
of the body's orchestra of hormones—
including the sex hormones. It is im-
printed and influenced itself by those
hormones. It is the organ of human per-
sonality. But it is also a gland—a
thinking gland. a dreaming gland, a
sex gland.

“Is it differently sexed in men and
women? If so, at what stage of develop-
ment? And if so, by what processes?
These are the questions.” Diane Mc-
Guinness is a research psychologist who
has been investigating human sex dif-
ferences for the past ten years. A stylish
and voluble woman who holds positions
at both Stanford and the University of
California at Santa Cruz, she is one of
the few scientists to work exclusively
the field of male-versus-female behavior,
doggedly persevering in the face of
criticism from other scientists anxious
about the implications of her work.
‘The problem is that these questions
are extremely hard to answer,” she sa
“Yes, there obviously is a part of the
brain—the hypothalamus—that is dif
ferently sexed. It's the brain's controller

ment. nerves in

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of the flow of hormones. And it’s respon-
sible for the way sex-and-reproductive
behavior is organized—the menstrual
cycle in women and the quite different
picture we see in men. The hypothala-
mus is certainly differently
stamped before birth by sex hormones.
It's like a photographic plate that is
exposed before birth and then developed
by a fresh rush of hormones at puberty.
“But how about the rest of the brain?
We can't, after all, just cut into а nor-
mal male or female brain, in good
working order, and ask it what's going
And we can't learn much, either,
from a brain when it's dead and pickled

almost

on.

or frozen and cut into slices for the
microscope. It's no use, in other words,
approaching the human brain head on.
Tt can't tell us what we want to know.
It's dumb." McGuinness spreads her
hands and rcachcs for a cigarette. "So
we have to get smart, We have to come
up with new ways of looking at it from
the outside and of measuring what it
does from the outside. And then we
have to fit together what we've found
out—our piece of the puzzle—into a
general pattern or design that makes
sense, This is what we try to do. We try
to build up a picture of what is going
on in male and female brains from a

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series of different takes.
The View from Outside. Take One:
Palo Alto, California. One avenue into
the complexities of the individual hu-
man brain is through the way it re-
sponds to the behavior.
Another is through the skills and abili-
ties it shows when confronted with
controlled tasks in a controlled environ:
ment. Those are the avenues taken by
behavioral and cognitive psychologists
into the brain's mysteries. Over the past
decade, McGuinness and colleagues at
Stanford, Eleanor Maccoby and Carol
Jacklin, have separately observed and
tested thousands of infants, preschoolers,
high school and university students. And
out of those studies and others has
emerged a picture that indicates quite
wide statistical differences between
human males and females.
Some of those differences appear ex.
tremely early in life," says McGuinness,
‘and others are more obvious after
puberty. But the fascinating thing is
that they seem to be independent of
culture—as true in Ghana, Scotland and
New Zealand, for example, as they are
in America,

world: its

First, there arc differences
in the senses. Women are more sensitive
to touch, tastes and odors—especially, it
seems, at mid-cycle. They also һауе bet-
ter fine-motor coordination and finger
dexterity. Second, there are differences
in the way information is gathered and
problems solved. Men are more rule
hound and they seem to be less sensitive
to sit riables: more
minded, rowly focused and
more persevering. Women, by contrast,
are very sensitive to context. They're less
hidebound by the demands of a pa
ular task. They're good at picking up
peripheral information. And they proc-
their information faster
‘Put in general terms,
communicators and men are takers of
action. Becausc that's the implication of
the most important difference between
them, the one that's most widely ас
cepted. Males are better at maps, mazes
and math; at rotating objects in thei
minds and locating three-dimensional
objects in two-dimensional representa
tions. at perceiving
manipulating objects іп space.
have a better sense of direction.
“Females, on the other hand, excel in
areas males are weak in, especially in
areas is involved.

al v single-

women are

and
They

They're better

where agu:
They're not as good at anything that
requires object manipulation and visua
sharpness—they re less sensitive to light,
for one thing. But they're much better
at almost all the skills that involve
words: fluency, verbal reasoning, written
prose and

reading—males outnumber
females three to one in remedial-reading
classes. Females’ verl
better. And they can sing in tune six
times more often than males can

“The question, of course, is: Are thesc

al memory is also

“Thank God you arrived, Professor! We're the victims of
an extreme case of static cling!”

PLAYBOY

things learned—encouraged by parents
and teachers—or are they innate? How
carly do they show up in the brain?

“And the answer is: l'ery early. We
sce certain tendencies almost from the
beginning. Male infants respond to what
is visually catching in their environ-
ment—lights, patterns, three-dimension-
I objects. And when they're a little
older, they take on their physical en-
vironment more than females «о.
Theyre more curious about it. They
play with the objects in it as often as
with toys. "They draw objects rather than
people. And they throw themselves
around more—they develop better gross-
motor control.

“This is not what we find in female
infants. Girls respond. preferentially to
the people in their environment. What's

i tching for them is faces rather
ts. They're alo much more
sensitive to sound. They vocalize more
nd are more comforted by speech than
boys are. And they respond more to the
social sounds around them, to tones of
voice and to music. That is crucial.
T think. In the fist place, sensitivity
10 sound is something that persists
throughout life in women—sounds are
likely to seem twice as loud to them as
to men, something men would do well to
remember sometimes. And, in the second.
place, it is almost certainly an important
contributor to females’ verbal abilities.
Sounds and people, remember—as
against objects in space, Communication
versus action and manipulation. It’s there
n the brain from the beginning. The

language ability of females is not affected
by a traumatic early environment, as it
is in males. And it is not differentially
encouraged in them by their pa
So just as the capacity for language
is hard-wired into human brains before
birth, is that true of a special skill in itz
“Yes,” says McGuinness. "What comes
y to each sex is likely to be bio-
logically programed: stamped, w.
to be developed.
Take Two: Chicago, Illinois. “Аа
right.” Jerre Levy is sitting in her сіш-
tered office at the University of Chicago,
опе leg curled under her, She swoops
periodically into a cup of coffee. “So
you have these different abili And
you have the not uninteresting lact that
males and females also characteristically
sulfer Irom different disabilities: females
from depression and hysteria, but also
maybe from
from hype
stuttering —language disabiliti
“There are two things, though, you've
got to remember about these differences.
First, they're statistical differences—
averages. And they're extremely minor
compared with differences
people of the same sex—ol all the var
tions we observe among people, 80 to 95
percent or more of them are within men
nd within women. They're by no means
cut and dried in cvery male and female.
Second, the average sex differences that
we do observe should never be allowed
to have any effect on social policy. such as
encouraging Jenny to give up math and

between

“Henry, would you slop off on the way
home and get a bottle of red wine? We're
having a guest for dinner."

Johnny to give up languages. И bio-
logical differences, after all, were to be
made the of social policy, then
the first thing we should do is lock up.
all the men, since theyre the oncs who
commit almost all the crime. They're
more aggressive. And they're the ones at
k of being psychopaths.”

Levy is an incisive and highly origina
k-haired woman іп
ly 40s whose dazzling talk is re-
plete with the corkscrew vowels and
sudden emphases of her native Alabam:
And her way into the differences between
men and women is through the separate
responsibilities of the brain's two hem
spheres. one of the scientists who.
worked out in split-brain patients the
way in which the human brain is lateral-
ized—the analytic left hemisphere spe
Galizing, by and large, in language, and
the holistic right hemisphere specializing
in visual tasks and the perception of
sp 1 relationships. And since then,
she—with others—has devised a cluster
of tests designed to investigate this Tat-
cralization in normal people. In doing
so, she has helped open up a new avenue
of investigation into sex differences: not
only in how abilities differ but in how
those abilities are organized in the brain.
АП right, what we're talking about is
the selective activation of one hemi-
sphere or the other,” Levy says, “which
hemisphere responds to what sort of
imulus in males and females. Now, the
left hemisphere controls and receives
messages from the right side of the body,
and vice versa. But it is also activated by
objects in the right visual field and by
sounds perceived by the right ear. Теге
is a crossover,

“This means that we can broadcast
directly to one hemisphere or the other.
We can use a technique developed by
Doreen Kimura of the University of
Western Ontario, for example. We
can present the two cars simultane-
ously with different sounds, for exam-
ple—sometimes verbal and sometimes
nonverbal—and see which of the two
sounds is reported by the hearer: which
hemisphere, therefore, specializes їп
processing and interpreting that sort of
sound. We can also, for just a few hun-
dredths of a second, flash in front of a
subject pictures, words, digits, letters
and dots and lines oriented to a central
point either in the left visual field or
in the right visual field or in both. And,
again, we can see which hemisphere is
better at гесопп and
processing which sort of information—
al, nonverbal, spatial and so on.
That will depend on the handedness of
the subject. Almost all right-handers
ize language on the left side and
certain types of visualspatial skills on
the right side of the brain—left-handers
are much more confusing. And it may
depend on the sex of the subject.”

She pauses for a moment to collect

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Dear PLAYBOY Reader:

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In order to build upon this tradition of entertain-
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PLAYBOY

her thoughts. “Look.” she says, “there
re only little pieces of evidence. This
a very young field and our tech
are crude: we're trying to become more
sophisticated as we go along. But what
evidence there is indicates that the fe-
male brain may be less lateralized and
less tightly organized than the male
brain. In male righthanders, for exam-
ple. language seems to be rather rigor-

ously segregated to the left hemispher

while th visual-sp; kills are as
rigorously segregated to the right. Tha
does not seem tọ be true in right-
handed females. Their hemispheres seem
to be less functionally distinct from each
other and more dillusely organized

“OK, What might this mean? It might
mean that there are two sorts of differ-
ences in the way male and female brains
ganized and function: inferhemi-
spheric differences—difterences in «the
vay the hemispheres communicate—and
intrahemispheric differences—litferences,
in the amount of br space on
side given over to partici
The hemispheres of male br
see, seem to be spec
erent languages, verbal and visu
spatial. And it may be that they can
communicate with each other only in a
formal way. after encoding into abstract
tions. The hemispheres of fe-
on the other hand, may
not be such specialists, And they may
be able to communicate in a much less
formal and less structured way. If that
is so, then females may be much better
than males at integrating verbal and
nonverbal information—at reading the
emotional content of tones of yoice and
intensities of expression, for example:
at interpreting social cues such аз pos-
ture and gesture; and at quickly fitting
1 sorts of different information іп
different modes into a complete picture.

1s. you
sts—they spe:

“She gives good trunk but not great trunk!”

This may be at the root of what we call

“This is entirely speculative, of course.
But it might be borne out by differences
ch hemisphere. In the male's
aple, langua

isphere. for
may be deployed in b
y from the рац
nale's. Possibly the fem:
guage as a tool for communication, while
the male evolved it as a tool lor a more

i nalytical reasoni

in the fe-
е evolved 1.

hemisphere males h:
great deal mo
isual-spatial skills. while [em
And that m
able to deploy
hemisphere other types of nonverbal
skills—such,
that the male right hemisphere с
imodate so well.

is true, the
ш а double disadvani

in their right

age in their emo-
hey may be emotionally
less sophisticated. And because of thc
difficulty they may have i
ing berween the
y have restricted verbal access
emotional world.”

two hemisph

says one of us as
walk outside into a bustle of stud
“Men's difficulty with е

Take Three: London, Ontario. North.
to Canada. То Doreen Kimura and her
Jeannette McGlone at
Western Ontario's University Hospital—
and to another line of evidence that un-
writes much of wl
Kimura and McGlone have been woi
the different
ge— tumors

former student

at Levy suggests.

nd strokes—in. right-

deed, show tl
less at risk than men

they've found does,
women are much

from that sort of injury. The reason may

be because the male brain is so laterally
specialized—damage to one hemisphere
or the other virtually always produces a

loss in language (left) or spatial skills
(right), says McGlone: in the female
brain, that is not so much the case. Or it
may be because language is more focally
organized—and therefore better protect-
ed—in the female's left hemisphere, as
Kimura is now finding. The word is not
yet in on what precisely are the differ
ences between male and female organiza
tion of those particular abilities, But
that there are differences within and
perhaps between the hemispheres of men
and women is now cl The question
is, wh
Take Four: Seattle, Washington. In
atle. neurosurgeon George
n—worl another for

been using electrical stimulation to lo-
cate 1 ns in the exposed
ns of epileptic patients needing sur-
In two distinct, well-defined art
of the lett hemisphere. they have found
ferent distribu males
males. The brain map for la
guage is different within the hemi-
sphere—confirming Levys prediction
and Kimura's latest work. Why?
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
lelphia, a young Israeli scientist,

ion

to show that m: ale brains are
both differently constituted and differ:
entially supplied with blood when at
work on certain tasks. Why

Take Six: London, Ontario. At lunch
with Kimura, we press the question.
she says. “we have to look at
the separate evoluti
and women,” Kimura is a s
trim wa
a wide intern
secure enough to speculate. "First, let
us suppose that language was a relatively
recently acquired skill. And let's assume
that w the male and female of a
species differ in the development of a
skill, there will be a different amount of
brain space given up to that skill—this
is true, we know, in birds. Now, we
know that for 99 percent of our history,
we've been hunter-gatherers. And in a
hunter-gatherer society. there would be
strong selective pressure on the males
to be highly specialized. To hunt suc
cessfully—which meant survival, genetic
and otherwise—they would need сус
acuity, goal-directedness, good gross-
motor control and the ability to calculate
distance. direction and the essentials of
a situation: exactly the sort of visual
and spatial skills psychologists find in
human males today. To achieve those
skills, though, they would need to give
up to them a good deal of br
capacity—neural space. And they would
not have that space available for the

ry pressures on

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PLAYBOY

abilities it became necessary for them to
acquire later. Or—put another way—
those later abilities would have to sub-
serve the spatial and motor abilitics they
already had.

Females, meanwhile—let us
ine—were subject to different evolution-
ary pressures and were being selected for
different qualities from the males.” She
laughs, aware of the controversy to which
her and her students’ work has contrib-
uted. "And those qualities—maternal,
social and cultural ones—required dif-
ferent motor skills and a different brain
organization. When language and its
uses were acquired, then, they fitted rath-

ima;

er differently into the architecture of the
female brain. One suggestion is that they
were free to be more flexibly expressed
both hemispheres, without having to
be confined to the left, a males. But
more accurate, I think, is that they
slotted into motor systems that were
already somewhat differently developed
from the male pattern. The result, again,
might be what we see: a different organ-
ization of language in the left hemi-
sphere and the different constellation of
abilities with language that psychologists
find in women today. All this, you see,
would be underwritten by evolution,
directed by sexual selection and laid

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down in the male and female brain. It
would still be there.”
.

What does this have to do with Mrs.
Went? With Prudencio Babilohia and
the other Caribbean children? Well,
evolution can work only through the
inheritance of genes. And the only
genetic difference between males and
females, as we have said, is that out of
46 pairs of chromosomes, there is one
that is diflerent —females have two X
chromosomes and males an X and a Y.
Now, both Mrs. Went and the Carib-
bean children were XY—they were genet-
ic males. So why were they born looking
like females? Because something had
gone wrong with their processing of the
main male hormone for which the Y
gene is ultimately responsible. Their Y
gene, in other words, did not—and does
not—guarantee maleness. Only the ac-
tion of the sex hormones can do that.
Sex hormones are responsible for the
shaping of the genitals, for the different
priming of the hypothalamus and, ulti-
mately, for a large number of differences
between males and females—in bone
formation, musculature, kidney function
and pelvis size. They are also respon-
sible. say scientists, for the shaping of
the male and the female brain.

That is what we'll be exploring next
month: everything that science is now
finding out about the separate inherit-
ance of our sex hormon Well be
taking you back into the womb from
which you came. And we'll be introduc
ing you to new work in endocrinology
and neurobiology that confirms or sug-
gests the following:

+ The natural form of the human is
female—becoming male is a struggle.

- The female sex gene is well pro-
tected in nature—the male inheritance
of the Y is, in the words of one research-
er, “much more iffy.”

* Sex hormones enter cells and inter-
act directly with genes—to switch them
on or turn them off.

* There are sex-hormone receiving
stations in the brain—where there may
also be male and female mating centers.

+ Excess hormones in the womb can
produce girls who are tomboyish, play
with objects and join male peer groups—
and boys who are subtly feminized.

= Lesbians may have higher levels of
the main male hormone than hetero-
sexual women and a body build that is
closer to the male's.

= And male homosexuals may have
feminized brains because their mothers,
when pregnant, were exposed to stress.

The most controversial of those
points—those about homosexuality, hor-
mones and the brain—involves the work
of Günter Dórner, the man we met at the
conference in Cambridge. We'll be meet-

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227

PLAYBOY

228

VIDEO-GAME JUNGLE

(continued from page 170)

“A second’s hesitation in the wrong place, and your
goose is cooked—and eaten.”

means passing up bonus points.”

That's good advice for at least two
reasons. For one, most beginning Pac-
Man players get knocked out (or eaten,
as the case may be) before the end of the
third board. For another, if you can get
past the third board (the fifth on some
machines), you can beat the game for
ten to 13 more boards simply by moving
your Pac-Man in a regular pattern (we'll
give you the pattern in a minute). On
the first three boards, however, the move-
ments of the four ghosts aren't predicta-

Man exits through the tunnel on the
right of the board (just before Speedy,
the red ghost, comes down for him) and
re-enters from the left tunnel, continu-
ing to eat dots up the left side of the

board. He then comes down through the
center of the maze and gobbles up
the first bonus prize.

ble, so pattern following is a useless
and dangerous—alfair

Although we can't give you a pattern
that'll guarantee your getting through
the first three boards, we can amplify
our experts suggestions. First, you
should clear out the dots along the bot-
tom of the maze as soon as you can
Then work toward el ating all the
dots in the center and top of the m
leaving only those near your power
capsules in each corner of the board.
You may have some success beginning
the first three boards with the same pat-
tern we'll give you to solve boards four
to 13, but be warned: It won't work all
the way through. At some points, you
have to play free style

But assuming that you make it through
the first three boards (as we d, on
some machines it will take til the
fifth for the pattern to work perfectly),
you're ready for the pattern:

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127

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The pattern continues with PacMan

heading for the bottom of the board,
g all the dots on the right.

Since Pac-Man will cross his own tracks
occasionally, we've divided the pattern
into three phases. In the first leg, Pac-

Y
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ае
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pattern finishes with Pac-Man
through the maze again for
second bonus prize, then consuming his
last two energy dots—and perhaps cat-
ing a few ghosts before he consumes
those last few dots.

This isn't the only pattern for beating
Pac-Man, but it's one of the safest. And
as you can see, it’s not simple. It'll prob-
ably take several games to master it. But,
аз most PacMan players will tell you,
part of the challenge of the game, even
with a pattern, is that it requires exact-
ing and prolonged concentration. A sin-
gle deviation, a second's hesitation in
the wrong place, and your goose is
cooked—and eaten.

CENTIPEDE.

If Pac-Man and maze games їп gen-
eral don't grab you, maybe you're the
kind of person who likes to shoot things
That being the case, you'll probably like
Atari, Inc's, most popular new game,
Centipede.

Walk into any local arcade or tavern
and you'll know right away if it has
onc, because Centipede produces a com-
bination of sounds resembling wind
chimes in the middle of a B-52 attack.
You won't hear the wind chimes right

away, but you will hear the B-52 sound.
"hat's caused by the falling flea. The
tinkling is made by the dancing spider.

Then, every few minutes, you'll hear
what sounds like machine-gun fire.
Thats the mushrooms getting them-
selves back together. We'll explain.

When the game begins, you'll sce a
playing field of randomly placed mush-
rooms. Then, with a thumping sound
(much like a heartbeat), a centipede will
begin creeping across the field, starting
from the top center of the screen. It will
walk from side to side, gradually work-
ing its way to the bottom. When the
centipede runs into ейһег a mushroom
or the left or right boundary of the
screen, it reverses direction.

The object of the game—the equiva-
lent of Pac-Man's eating all the dots—
is to shoot all the segments of the centi-
pede before it reaches the bottom of
the screen. When you do, you get a new
centipede at the top, which constitutes
a new round.

Your bottom cannon (in the form of
а snake's head) moves back and forth
by means of a track ball on the right
side of the machine. On the left side,
there's a button you push to fire. И you
hold the button down, you can fire соп.
tinuously. Your cannon (or snake, if you
will) can move up and down, but only
within the bottom filth of the screen.

IE you hit the céntipede, it breaks up
into smaller ones, each with a head.
The segment of the centipede you shoot
leaves a mushroom in its place. When
any centipede reaches the bottom of the
screen, it travels across once and then
starts back up again (if, of course, it
doesn't collide with your shooter). When
a whole centipede (one that you've
managed to miss entirely on its way

(continued on page 232)

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229

PLAYBOY

230

DEFENDER INVENTOR

(continued from page 168)

“The only thing I knew was that we were calling
it Defender, so we had to defend something.”

ifornia at Berkeley
with a degree in computer science.
But he had been fascinated by games
long before that.

“It started with pinball when I was
six or seven,” he says, “and by the
time I was a teenager, pinball was my
favorite form of recreation. That was
when I first learned a little bit about
how game machines are built. There
were certain pinball machines on
which, if you tilted them at the same
time that the game was ending, you
would automatically get a free game.
Then there were other machines
where, if you took a bolt out of one
of the legs, you could stick a wire in
the hole and trip the coin mechanism.

“But games didn’t become an
addiction for me until I got to college.
There was an obsolete computer
down in the basement of the physics
lab—a 1959 model that filled a whole
room but couldn't do half of what
some pocket calculators can do now—
and somcone had programmed an old
person-againstperson game into it
called Space War. The machine was
so old that the viewer was an old
oscilloscope that someone had at-
tached to it. All the nerds hung out
in that basement playing Space War
until the carly hours of the morning.”

If it seems strange that Jarvis
would call himself a nerd, you should
realize that its nerds like him who
are taking over the world, and they
know they're taking over, so they
don't mind what you call them. “Sure,
1 was a nerd,” says Jarvis. “Most com-
puter people are nerds. If you're a
true nerd, you can't deal with people
at all, only machines. You sec, the
computer programmer's ego trip is
playing God. You can create a uni
verse, a whole world that's predict-
able, a world that operates by your
laws. I guess that's why I decided to
get into creating games.”

As soon as he graduated, Jarvis
went to work for Atari's now-defunct
pinball division, designing programs
for electronic pinball games. "I was
there for two years,” he recalls, “and
while I was there, Atari was doing
very poorly in pinball. I remember 1
worked on a game called Airborne
Avenger. Terrible design. There was
always shit falling off the machine,
stuff would short out and blow up. 1

also worked on games called Super-
man, Atarians, Time 2000 and Space
Riders. All had good play appeal, but
they were terribly undependable.
They were constantly breaking down.
1 was pretty discouraged, even though
I was responsible for only the special
effects—the sound, lights and so on.
At the end of two years, 1 was com-
pletely burned out, so I left.

He wasn't out of work long. Steve
Ritchie, one of the best pinball de-
signers in the industry, was working
for Williams and he wanted Jarvis on
board. Motivated more by a desire to

9 iun Ritchie than by an interest
in designing any more pinball ma-
chines, Jarvis packed his bags and
moved to Chicago, where Williams (as
well as Midway and Stern) is located.

“After about а year of working
under Ritchie, 1 began to push for a
video game. I wanted to be the guy
who designed it. I saw it as Ше
chance of a lifetime. What I like
about video games is that they play
with your survival instinct. That's the
big difference between video games
and pinball

In early 1980, Williams decided to
let Jarvis give it a try. The company
gave him eight months to complete a
test model that could be shown at
the annual A.M.O.A. convention іп
Chicago in the Гай.

"The first thing I did was to begin
to work with a team of hardware
engineers to decide on the kind of
electronic system. we'd use. Early on
in the process of designing a video
game, you have to decide on the
architecture of the system—how much
memory to give the game's computer,
how to organize the data paths, what
screen resolution you want. Then,
once you've settled on the hardware,
you get down to the specifics of the
game. What is it? How does it work?”

Jarvis had a very general idea of
what he wanted. “I wanted to create
a world with plausible laws of phys-
ics" he says, “а plausible cnviron-
ment and a good reason for you to
be in that world besides just killing
something.

So the first thing he made was the
surface of a planet, or, rather, the
outline of the surface, complete with
mountains and valleys. “Then, be-
cause | wanted a three-dimensional

feeling, I put stars in the background,
against a black sky, and made them
move, but only at half the rate of
the foreground objects. Next, I cre-
ated the spaceship, which is the cen-
tral piece, of course.”

At that point, however, Jarvis got
stuck. He couldn't decide on what
kinds of villains his spaceship would
have to fight, nor what the powers of
his spaceship were to be. "So while I
was waiting for the rest of the game
to dawn on me, I began putting little
men on the bottom of the screen,
just walking around. Everybody on
the project thought that was stupid,
an incredible waste of time. Before I
knew it, it was two months before
that A.M.O.A. convention and we
still didn't have а game. Williams"
agement was shitting—I was be-
yond the doghouse, in the outhouse.
By then, I'd created the encmics—the
landers, pods, baiters, swarmers,
bombers and mutants—but I still
didn't have the theme of the game
worked out. The only thing I knew
was that we were going to call the
game Defender, so we had to defend
something."

It was six weeks before Jarvis re-
ceived the inspiration that would
ansform his game from just another
shoot-em-up into what Joseph Dillon,
Williams’ director of sales, proudly
calls a nearly mystical experience, a
cult game, the most sophisticated
concept on the market.

Jarvis again: “Two weeks before
the game was supposed to be finished,
I was almost over the edge. About
that time, I began dreaming about the
game, seeing myself flying around
that world in my rocket. The game
was all I thought about, but it still
didnt come together. Then, one
night as 1 was drifting off to sleep,
the whole thing flashed on me: The
answer was the litte men I'd put
down on the planet back at the be-
ginning. The men were what the
rocket was defending! Immediately,
the idea came to me that the rocket
would try to defend them by not only
killing the enemies but rescuing the
men as the enemies lifted them up
into space. I don't know of another
game that gives you a chance to re-
trieve your man alter the enemy has
gotten him. Plus which, the men are
your friends. That gives you a reason
to be there. In most video worlds, the
player doesn't have a friend. It's
lonely.”

Jarvis stayed up all night, working
out the final details of his vision;
when he returned to work die next
Monday, he was ready to roll. “My

team worked night and day for the
next two weeks. We stayed up 48
hours straight the two days before the
convention, and somehow we finished
Нар

Was it a hit at the show?
incd а low рго-
says Jarvis. "It certainly didn't
attract as much attention as some of
the other machines. E think most
people thought it was too compli-
cated to be very popular."

Nonetheless, within months after
the Williams people put the machine
on the market, they knew they had а
hit on their hands. A big hit. Jarvis,
who had been salaried at about
$40,000 a ycar (top game designers
with a reputauon like Ritchie's can
make upwards of $100,000 per year),
thought that he deserved a big bonus.
Williams thought he deserved one,
too. but what it offered wasn't wi
Jarvis thought he deserved.
{ a company licenses a machine
designed by an overseas company. it
pays between four and ten percent of
its total profits. [Pac-Man, Space In-
vaders, Scramble and many other
popular video games are licensed
from Japanese companics.] Williams
had
which it has sold ore than
5100,000,000 worth. They offered me
a bonus of cash and stock options
spread out over four years, It didn't
seem like enough to me. The more I
thought about it. the more f realized

fou

say it mai

jouse monster, of

s own

that game designers can get ripped
off. The companies make millions
and the designers get only a few thou-
sand. So I t
and quit."
Jarvis and fellow designer Larry
DeMar have since started their own
amed

rned down their bonus

video-game design company-
Vid Kidz. “The game I'm working on
now, for instanc
even better than. Defender. But now
I'm in a position to sell the game to
the highest bidder, ask for royalties
and a percentage of leasing rights. If
I gct, say, four percent of the profits
on it, and it docs as well as Defender,
that'll earn me maybe $1,000,000."
But neither the success of Defender

says Jarvis, "is

nor the prospect of being filthy rich
before hes 30 even fazes Jarvis.
About the only thing that does is the
fact that some people have scored
close to 1,000,000 points on his brain
child.

"When I first played Defender my-
self, I thought that 60,000 was as high

as it was humanly possible to go.
Even now, I can't get more than
200,000, and thats with a year of
practice." — WALTER LOWE, JR.

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231

PLAYBOY

232

down) reaches the bottom, it releases its
tail section—which changes into a new
solitary head. As the game progresses,
not only will tails make new heads when
centipedes reach the bottom but more
new heads will suddenly come out of the
sides of the screen and begin traveling
back and forth across the bottom—mak-
ing it pretty hard to shoot and dodge
them at the same time.

As though that weren't tough enough,
about every three seconds, a spider leaps
out from the side of the screen and
jumps up and down with the intention
of squashing your shooter. The spider
also has an appetite for mushrooms,
which it eliminates as it hops.

A destroyed mushroom counts for one
point. and it takes four hits to wipe
out a mushroom. Partially destroyed
mushrooms, however, score five points.
Centipede body parts count for ten

ob EME

points each and the speedy and elusive
single centipede heads are worth 100
ii ich. Spiders are worth 300, 600
or 900 points, depending оп how close
they are to you when you shoot them.
The spider shot less than an inch above
you scores the most.

On the first wave—the first centipede,
that is—mushrooms and spiders are all
you have to deal with. But on the sec-
ond wave, you'll be bombarded by fall-
ing fleas (though there is an exception to
this rule, as we shall see). Fleas—which
count 200 points when hit—come down
the screen in a straight line, leaving a
row of mushrooms behind them. The
only problem is that you have to hit a
flea twice to kill it; if you hit it only
once, it speeds up, soon pouncing on
your hapless shooter.

Finally, there's the scorpion. Making
its first appearance in the fourth wave,

“Tt ain’t the boredom that gits me, Jake. It's
that constant drip, drip, drip.”

it enters from either side of the screen
and travels slowly across—though faster
as the game progresses—and any mush-
room it touches becomes “poisoned.”
Those mushrooms cause any centipede
that collides with them to take a dive
straight toward the bottom of the screen,
rather than continue snaking back and
forth as it usually does. If shot, a scor-
pion is worth 1000 points, the highest
valuc of any single target in the game.

What makes Centipede an appealing
game is that its not hard to score
10,000 or even 20,000 points without
much practice. If you just shoot away
at the centipede, make sure you get the
extra heads and avoid being squished
by the spider or the flea, you can easily
delude yourself into thinking you're
playing a great game. You're not. Great
games on Centipede begin after 60,000
points, That's when everything—spider,
flea, scorpion, centipedes and centipede
heads—begin zipping across the screen
at top speed. Then the game is no long-
er cute; it becomes a sort of Little Miss
Muffet on acid.

There are two ways to rack up genu-
inely high scores, but before we give
them to you, you should know you're
getting this information from unim
peachable sources: Eric 19, and
Ok-Soo Han. 25, respectively the official
men’s and women's world-champion
Centipede players. They won those titles
last October at the coin-operated-game
industry's first national vidco game tour-
namcnt, held in Chicago.

According to tournament rules, cach
player had only three minutes to score
as many points as he could. "In tourna-
ment play," says Han, who racked up
53,220 points, “you take risks you never
take when you're just playing for a high
score without time press

Ginner, who scored 52.341 points, puts
it more bluntly: “Nobody should play
the game the way we had to play to
vin.

Han and Ginner conveniently repre-
sent two approaches to the game. Han:
“IE you want to play Centipede for a
long time, don't take chances. Avoid the
spider and be very careful shooting
the flea. The only secret to beating the
game is to shoot everything that comes
down that's shootable. If you want to
rack up a higher score, shoot away the
mushrooms on the bottom of the screen,
which will bring out the falling flea,
which you can shoot for extra points.”

Ginner: “If you want to play Сеп
pede for a long time, shoot away all the
mushrooms on the screen early in the
game, which prevents the flea from com-
ing out at all and doesn’t give the scor-
pion a chance to poison mushrooms
until very late in the game.”

They're both right. There are two
methods to playing the game; Нап% is
the one preferred by most good Centi-
pede players. Ginner's is trickier but is

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extremely effective. Ginner and. second-
winner Samir Mehta, both ha
bitués of the Time Zone arcade in
Mountain View alternated
holding the all-time high score on Centi-
pede for months using the no-mush-
rooms-at-the-top method.

That method requires a bit more skill,
but if you can master it, you'll prob-
ably get higher scores than by any other.
What's tricky about it is that you have
to count your shots very carefully (
kes four hits on a mushroom to erase
it from the screen, remember).

California,

sinner begins (above) by shooting
away all the mushrooms up the left side
of the screen— counting cach shot, so that
he uses only four per mushroom. He's fast
enough to clear the whole left half of
the screen and begin on the right side by
the time the centipede reaches the bot-
tom fifth of the screen. Then he sprays
the centipede with shots in one or two
quick sweeps, leaving а small cluster of
mushrooms.

"The flea comes out only when there are
fewer than five mushrooms at the bottom
of the screen, so Ginner leaves a clump

of mushrooms there. That means he has
some tricky shooting to do. popping the
mushrooms on the top of the screen
from between the ones on the bottom.
After that, he shoots away а few mush-
rooms at the bottom (always leaving at
least five) and then increases their num-
ber again by spraying the second centi-
pede as it passes along the bottom.

Eventually, single centipede heads begi
to come out along with the main cent
pede. These heads аге troublesome when
they reach the bottom of the screen,
where they speed up. Ginner takes them
out right away. The head (or heads)
usually precede the main cen
arrival on the left, and Ginner
with a carefully timed shot, turning
into 2 mushroom.

He waits for the centipede to head back
across the screen. then shoots aw that
onc rem:

ning mushroom.
The only problem with Ginner's
method is that it slows the game down
so much that if youre used to fast
play. you're likely to doze off between
centipedes.
On the other hand, if you're lool

for speed. excitement, thrills and chills,
Centipede may not be the game for you,
anyway. Defender probably is.

DEFENDER

The world of Defend

to the world
of Pac-Man as Darth Vader is to Porky
Pig. Joseph Dillon, sales director for
Williams Electronics, says, “Frankly. De-
fender is the most sophisticated piece of

chinery on the market right now
He's probably right. It’s the first widely
distributed machine to multiple
screens and to provide you with a reversi
ble spaceship. What makes it particu
larly unusual is the computer program,
which gives the enemies ап uncanny
range of behavior bordering on random
And it makes the best damn explosions
you've ever seen on a video screen.
When hit, each object breaks into 128
pieces of blazing color.

“After you've played a lot of other
video games and you're looking for the
ultimate test of your skills,” says Dillon,
“Defender is the Matterhorn of video
games. Out in the arcades, the question
used to be, ‘Whats your highest score
оп Space Invaders? Two years later, it
was. "What's your highest score on Aster:
oid® But now the question is, "What's

use

your highest score on Defender? "

Delender is the cutting edge, There
are some game players who refuse to
play it after their first try. But the ones
who play it long enough to get past the
first enemy wave are hooked. After a
while, they play other games only if all
the Defenders are occupied—and more
often than not. they prefer to watch
another Defender player, particularly if
he’s any good.

Асе is good. He goes into Silver Suc’
pinball and video-game arcade on Chi.
cago's North Side at least five times а
week for two or three hours, and he goes
to play Defender. If all the Defenders
are occupied. he usually volunteers to
help Sue fix any broken р; He
leamed to fix video games by fixing
Defender on a day when one of Sue's
five Defenders wasn't working and the
four others were occupied. Ace is a
mechanic by trade, so fixing video games
1 machines is a piece of cake
for him. In return, Sue gives him free
games. She knows he won't need many,
since he оп one game
for 30 minutes—which translates to
something like 800,000 points, give or
take a few thousand. 105 the mental
equivalent of standing astride two еп-
raged Brahma bulls for approximately
the same length of time,

Ace isn't his real name, of course, but,
as one player puts it, "Nobody knows
anybody's full name: the best players
know one another by th initials.” His
real n. John McCue, and he's 23

mes.

233

PLAYBOY

234

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years old. But acr is what he punches
into the all-timehigh-score column. of
every Defender he's ever played. "De-
fender macho game.” says McCue,
and you see that immediately in his
stance: feet planted wide apart. knees
bent slightly, arms outstretched at the
hip as though he were firing two Colt
45s.

Other Defender players view him
with respect, if not awe, Sue, who sees
hundreds of players take on Defender
every week, says. “Асе is absolutely the
best. Нез frightening. He does things
that Гуе neve inybody else do on
that chin:

But before you can understand what
Ace does 10 the machine. you've got to
understand what the machine is trying
to do to Ace. The general scheme of the
e is this: There are ten men stranded
distant planet and your job (in
your rocket ship, naturally) is to protect
them from an alien invasion. The aliens
first send little green satellites. called
landers. which Hoat down from the strato-
sphere with the purpose of pouncing on
your men, taking them off the planet
and cating them. When a lander г
the upper edge of the stratospher
top of the screen) with your man. it
ingests him and immediately turns into
ant. The difference between a

and а lander is that lando
^D chase your rocket (though they
a fusillade of shots as they go for one
ants do. Not only
do mutants chase you, they're very dil-
ficult to hit. because they refuse to
track you head on. They like to come
from above or below your rocket.
and then. with a wriggling motion that's
been described as "utterly obscene," they
quite bluntly jump all over your ass
Mutants also fire shots at you, particu-
larly when there aren't any landers left
on the screen.

Oby ously.

seen

the һем save
your ten men is to shoot all the landers
before they can descend to the ground.
But if you can't do that (and not many
can), you still have a chance to <
them by shooting a lander as it's asce:
ng with one of you
then the n

мау to

сп. Of course,
п will drop through 5

and if you сап intercept him with
your rocket before he hits the ground,
you "catch" him. With a little

you then return him safely to the pl
However, shooting the landers and

saving, or recapturing, your men is made
a lor more difficult by the number of
other alien enemies that i ingly

Aside from the
are bombers.
move di

clog your flying spac
landers and mutants, the
little purple squares t

ly from the top of the screen to the
bonom and back wp again, leaving
mines—white crosshatches that are easy

5 9L

D 4

“And a happy Saint Patrick's Day to you, Mr. O Murphy."

235

PLAYBOY

236

to overlook until you hit one and blow
yourself into 128 pieces. Then there

are baiters, extremely fast, green fly-
ing saucers that shoot bullets like

zy, fly іп zigzag patterns and have
the ability to disappear on the bot-
tom of the screen and reappear on
top and vice versa, making it hard as
hell to know where they're going to
tack. There are pods, bright,
mering violet diamonds that just sort
of float up and down across the screen.
And there are swarmers, which is what
pods break up into when you hit them.
Each pod usually yields five to eight
swarmers, and cach swarmer moves with
constant speed as it approaches you, all
the while spewing out shots.

The good news is that you're not
entirely without advantages in this w
First, your rocket is the fastest object
on the screen except for the baiters,
which can overtake you even when
you're flying at top speed. Your rocket
fires with pinpoint accuracy each time
you hit the fire button, and by fi
with a staccato rhythm, you
fill the screen with a white h
climinating anything that comes into
your line of fire. Your arsenal also
includes something called smart bombs,
which, when set off by pushing the right
thumb. button, wipe out. everything on.
the playing screen except you and
Push. ather button. marked

nen.

your

HYPERSPACE, and everythi
will disappear у
rocket in a different (and, you hope, more
advantageous) position. Sometimes the
position in which you come out gets you
killed instantly, but sometimes you get
а better vantage point from which to
defend yourself. It's just a chance you

g on the screen
d reappear wi

have to take.

You also have a scanner screen, a
small rectangular viewer directly above
your playing area. The scanner shows
you what's coming onto the playing
screen from both in front of and behind

you. and it also shows you your rocket's
relationship to enemy objects. It lets
you anticipate what's coming into your
line of fire next, so that you can pli
a bit of strategy before the moment of
truth (or a mutant) is upon you.

As you begin cach new wave, however,
ther © morc enemies added, and the
landers descend toward your men
faster—the result being that (И you
aren't quick) by the fourth wave, you сап
be faced with a fying a of close
sty objects. "hat's why, for the

maki the fourth

mad

the landers h lly taken all
your men while you've been trying to
shoot and maneuver your way through
the rest of the junk on the screen.
When the landers take your last man,
the planet blows up and every enemy

“The bad news is we've
found out your daughter is in Los Angeles
making pornographic films. The good news is
she’s getting top billing.”

lander on the screen turns into a mutant
And that, as any Defender player will tell
you, is a horrifying sight to behold.
Should you make it through the fourth
wave, though, on the fifth wave (and
every filth wave thereafter), you get back
all ten of your men, rejuvenating your
planet, so to speak.
Now that you understand the game
(you do understand the game. don't
you?), you're ready for Aces tips on
beating Delender. "Your first objective,
he says, "is to stay alive. "That means
you've got to try to get to 10.000 points.
For every 10,000 points. you get a new
rocket and a new smart bomb. It's
always a race between the enemies and
your next 10.000 points.”

To win tha s Ace, you'll need

to know the following things, wave
by wav
First wave: “Always move f left

to right. Although your rocket is re-
versible, most beginners just waste
by going back to shoot landers they"
possed. On the first wave,
you have nothing but landers (15 of
them) and. they're moving pretty slowly.
Just travel around, carefully picking
them olf. (However, if you take foo long
to clear the first wave, wicked little
baiters will come to punish you for your
neptness.) You should have time to shoot
a couple of landers while they're taking
your men. For each man you intercept,
you score 500 points, and each time
you return him to the planer, you get
mother 500. If you're not very good
at catching the men, just shoot all the

Don't wor

landers as quickly as possible. That
should earn you about 3250 points.
(You score 150 points for cach lande

nd get 100 for each man remaining
on the planet.) If you can catch
couple of men, you'll get maybe 5500
ts on the first wave,
Second wave: “Again, moving {rom
left to right is the general rule, though
as the wave begins, you may have a
couple of landers right behind you,
off the playing sucen but visible on
your scanner to your left. You can re-
verse and take them out quickly, which
prevents them from picking up

men belore you can get
then keep moving clockwise. I recom-
mend flying constantly and shooting
constantly. The quicker you get
the planet, the better
of getting through the wa
have 20 land

your d
с alive. Yo
on the second wave and
every wave Ше 1 have
to be more ager going to them
and shooting them before they get your
men. On the second wave, you'll also
face three bombers and one pod. Don't
worry about them until last. Get the
landers fist. The best way to shoot

11:22PM.

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PLAYBOY

the bombers is to fly over or under them,
avoiding their trail of mines: then. you
get in [ront of them, reverse and shoot
them [ace on. To get rid of your pod.
shoot it and then smart-bomb the swarm-
ers that come out of it immediately.
That could take you over 10,000 points
(for a new rocket and smart bomb)

Third wave: “Beginning with the
third wave, and for every wave after
that, you'll have three or more pods
on the screen as soon as it starts. If
they aren't directly in front of you,
you'll see them kind of glimmering just
ahead of you on your scanner. You
y to get them bunched together,
bomb them. Depending on
у you have, you'll score between
3000 and 6000 points all at once, as well
as the point value of any other enemy
objects near them. Often, however, the
pods will leave a
two dozen sw
on the screen

usually bunch up.
you сап shoot them (they're the sma
objects on the зассп), wait until you

fly into a crowd of them and smart-bomb
them, too. That way, you clear your
flying more room to
get to your atch men you
сап save. You also get four bombers on

they leave begin ro become
when you're flying at top speed. Don't
go out of your way to shoot them; but
as they come into your line of fire

a good idea to take them out rather
than wait until you've gotten all the
landers Besides, unless you're pretty
good at saving men, you're going to
lose a оп the second wave, any-
Magnificently way, and that me Il have to
illustrated, Playboy's shoot the -

Guide to Ultimate Skiing by Ө,

mutants. They like to attack along the
top of the screen; so if you fly your

"There says to shoot
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PLAYBOY

show the baiter, though you may not
see it yet. Determine whether it's coming
from behind or in front of you, then
face that direction and pause. As soon
itn ializes, line up with it on the
scanner and shoot."

Fourth wave: "Om the fourth wave,
you'll get 20 landers, four pods and nine
bombers. The pods will usually be
bunched together. Blow them up right
away, then go for your landers. On the

PLAYING WITH PAIN

plain old “video-game wrist,” because
the ne problem occurs with апу
video game with a lever that must be

moved up and down or back and
forth: stiffness, numbness, sometimes
excruciating pain when bending the
hand down, and shooting pains in
the muscles of the forearm.

And don’t forget the h
pain. If you р
stick Jong cnough, the
arm that's moving the stick will even-
tually throb. Furthermore, unless
you're playing on a table console or
sitting on а stool while you're play-
ing, two or three hours of play can
leave your lower back sore as hell.

Then there are your eyes. Last
August, the National Academy of
Sciences conducted a symposium on
video display terminals (VDTs) under
the aegis of the National Research
Council's Committee on Vision. The
researchers had bad those
who spend long hours in front of
МУТ. It seems that prolonged use
can cause severe eye fatigue, as well
as headaches, blurred vision and tem-
porary myopia. Its also not good for
your face in general. Researchers
€ lound evidence tentatively link-
VDTs with rashes.

Finally, there's the psychological
pain. It doesn’t seem like pain at
first, merely obsession. But after you
try to stop playing your favorite
game for a while (li he, to go
to sleep or cat or go to work), you'll
notice the withdrawal symptoms, "f
knew I was in trouble," says опе
Defender junkie, “when Га go out on.
a date and find myself sitting at a table
tapping the top of it with my right
nd while my left hand, wrapped
‘ound an imaginary toggle. slid back
and forth on the tablecloth. The
worst part, though. came when I'd go
to sleep. Га hear the little men—in
Defender—screaming for me: ‘Ahl
Ah! Ah! Ah!’ And I'd see my rocket
flying to the rescue.

Lf you intend to play video games
until youre better than average,

news for

fourth wave, the bombers become a
real problem. because they move up
id down across the screen faster and
they leave more mines behind. You'll
e to shoot some of them or you'll
keep running into the mines. Your first
objective, of cour always to shoot
the landers. But if you see a bomber
dose by even if it's behind you—it:
olten worth taking a little extra time
to shoot it. When the bombers are gone,

(continued from page 169)

there's no sure remedy for all the
above pains, both physical and psy-
chological. However, preventive me:

S-

ures can be taken. A bit of tape
or a bandage wrapped around the

thumb and index finger of each hand
l help ward off blisters and cal-
luses. If you're playing an upr
game, sitting on a high stool can help
reduce shoulder and back pain. The
chances of muscle pa о be
reduced if you take a break every
mes to bend and

wil

seven or
stretch your body. To keep yor
from going bad, you shouldn't stare
into a video display scrcen [or more
than a half hour at a time. Take a
15- or 20-minute break now and then,
being sure to rest your eyes. You сап
dose them and masage them or
simply go somewhere where there's a
nto the distance

eyes

nice view and stare
for a while.

As for the rashes, it seems that
they're caused by a field of static
electricity that forms around VDTs
іп dry air. To offset that, you should
be sure to play in places with humid
rubber-soled, cloth-

t and
topped sneak
The psychological рай

wear

course, all predicated upon your be-
coming consumed by video games.
There are two ways to avoid tha

One is to play only games you don't
like, but thats not much fun. The
other is to put a time limit on how
long you're For in-
stance, you might take no more than
five bucks into the game room, know
ing that when you've played 20 games
you'll have to quit. One player we
know restricts himsell to playing only
as long as he ca nd not going to
the bathroom.

As for dre:

n s

ng about the game,
the only way we know to erase the
game images that may repeat them-
selves over and over as you're trying.
to get to sleep is to give your mind

something even more stimulating to
think about. Our centerfold, for
instance. =w

it’s so much casier to fight the Janders
and muiants.”
.

you follow Ace's advice to the
‚ you should make it to the fifth
е and accumulate. between 45,000
nd 55.000 points. But in order to do
that. you're going to have to learn

to shoot with deadly accuracy—and to
shoot mutants without panicking. To
develop your skills, McCue recom-

mends two modes of practice. The first
is to play with the main viewing screen
d with paper. so that you have
to line up all your shots on the scanner.
If that sounds hard, listen to his second
favorite way to practice: “I start out the
game by shooting all my men, which
means | get nothing but mutants for
four waves. If you can get to the filth

соу

wave shooting nothing but mutants,
you'll have learned just about сусту
maneuver there is in the game, You'll

have to use your smart bombs wisely,
learn to navigate through swarmers and.
know how to use hyperspace to your
best advantage.

You should also be
machine has a few litle quirks due to
its computer program. Its inventor,
Eugene Jarvis (see page 168), says it's
those quirks that give the machine
character.

For one thing,” says Jarvis, "there's
the matter. of smart-bombing the pods.
Actually, the way I designed the game,
there aren't supposed to be any swarm-
ers left, but there usually are, I like to
think they're just stunned. Second, if
you reverse quickly as the swarmers go
past you, you can follow them. They'll
keep going in the same direction, rather
than come back at you as they're sup-
posed to, and you can just pick them
off, Third, due to some а ec f
m of the machine, ther € two
visible lines in this universe—one
mutant nd onc for sw , where if
they're coming toward you and
cross th fiy
from you. Then,
gest computer foubup, which is that if
you should hit 1,000,000 points, it sud-
denly starts giving you a man for each
object you hit. You can get as many
as 100 men. It also gives you a whole
lot of rockets and smart bombs, enough

are that the

you

to let you play almost indefinitely
Geuing to 1,000,000? For most of
getting to 50.000 is enough of a kick
To get 50,000, you'll have to play about
utes, which ns, of course,
u've beaten the game.
You'll also get the satisfaction of
ing defended an entire planet from
th and destruction. If that
worth a quarter, noth

isn't

g is.

Praline 6 vodka Praline & soda

Praline & milk

Nothing mixes better with people and parties than the great taste line? For party ideas and a free recipe

booklet. call (800) 331-1450. Ask for the Praline operator. Or write Praline, Box 2235, Farmington МІ 48018.

242

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Fates apply to US, US. Poss., APO-FPO addresses опу.
Canadian rate: 12 issues $24.

WAVES OF the Future

(continued from page 157)

piped Richard Nixon’s voice through
the vacuum of space (eerily appropriate,
that) and introduced lunar golf. Since
then, we've been mostly content to let
the outer limits sit there like a ional
park we've been to once and don't really
care to see again. >

But now the Eighties are here and the
final frontier is showing signs of renewed
life. Not surprisingly, its television that
has put the pace back in space, and if
you're one of the millions of Americans
with TV addiction, you'll never keep
up with your Joneses without an earth
station on your rool.

Satellite broadcasting. known gener
ically as direct broadcasting satellite
(DBS) service, is the phenomenon that
may let you bypass the networks and
undermine the cables. If DBS is success-
ful, the TV addict circa 1988 will be able
to aim the $300 antenna dish on his roof
at any of a number of satellites in sta-
tionary orbit, Hell pick up relayed
programing from Togo or Quito. South
Africa or South Dakota

Ten years ago, the idea of using sat-
ellites to send TV signals directly into
the home seemed credible in theory but
decades away in practice. That was when
satellites were inefficient and so expen-
sive only governments could launch
them. Dish antennas were as big as
buildings and cost nearly as much. Now
engineers have gouen most of the bugs
out of the birds. Electronic techniques
similar to those that have made hi-fi
higher and space games spacier are now
making the process much more econom-
ical. The new satellites receive and
transmit at higher frequencies than the
old ones, opening up a whole new band
of channels. And the new dish antennas
cost less than Ford Pintos. They'll soon
cost even less than that and be small
enough to put on the roof in place of
ndard TV ant
esses were first to jump at
the chance to ride satellites. The Mor-
mon Church plans to broadcast by celes-
tial channels to believers who have
dishes. Holiday Inns offer teleconfer-
ences in meeting rooms, so that busi-
nesmen can confer with associates
thousands of miles away, almost in per-
son, and never leave the nation’s i

keeper. The world’s largest music maker,
Muzak, already soothes through space.
Rather than ship tapes by mail to

customers, Muzak beams all that Man-
tovani from a Western Union satellite to
dishes scattered across the country.

Ten years from now, though, we may
all be reaping DBS benefits. Are you
to choose between Hee

Haw and Family Feud? Well, do you
want to watch the Bolshoi live, or would

tired of havin

a blue movie from la Cote d'Azur be
nore to your liking? You just buys your
dish and takes your choice.

Here's how it works: A live or
taped picture is relayed from a broad-
caster anywhere on earth who has access
to a satellite іп geosynchronous orbit
(the satellite whips through space, about
iles up, just fast enough to keep
а spot on the equator, rem

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a tenfoot dish that will launch you
ht imo the world of satellite TV.
Believe it or not, that do-it-yoursclfer’s
guide to everything from rad.
puters is offering an carthesation kit for
$6995. All you need. we a is a
soldering iron, a p
ghost of Wernher
over your shoulder (the ghost will prob-
ably cost extra).

If you don't want to do it yourself,
you can have a large dish installed right
now for less than $10,000. Until 1985 or

truly world-wide programing on hun-
dreds of channels. It can transmit high-
definition TV pictures or any other
kind of information, And (at least right
now) ісу free for the home TV consum-
er—once you've got your earth station,

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243

PLAYBOY

you're watching or not and can't stop
you until they put signal scramblers to
work, they'll have a difficult time collect
ing if you forget to send your check.

A complete system includes a dish
antenna, a low-noise signal amplifier and
a receiver/modulator that links your
dish to your TV set. Installed stations
can cost from a few thousand dollars for
fixed dishes to more than $15,000 for
deluxe models that include remote-con-
trolled motors that сап zero in on several
locations. The fixed dishes should soon
be obsolete, since they shut out a lot of
the action. When you take the plunge,
we'd advise you to put out the ext
bucks for a motorized one.

Before buying a station, be sure to
get a professional site analysis. They're
available from most of the installers
(Heathkit offers one) and theyre not
very expensive, from 530 to around $100.
Without one, you'll have no idea how
many satellites are in r
‘ones they are. If you want to watch the
Bolshoi, there's no point in pointing at
a Grand Ole Opry bird.

nge and which

When shopping for a satellite system,
compare only the “installed” prices, un-
less you have a touch of engineering
know-how. A pile of bargain parts left
оп the doorstep by the mailman could
leave you with nothing more serviceable
than a ten-foot salad bowl.

Since your dish has to have unob-
structed line of "sight" to the satellite,
you may have to chop down a tree or
level a high-rise or two. If you live in
the open country, though, you'll have
no problem receiving dozens of channels
on the North American satellites already
up there,

And remember—whatever you bring
to your screen today, it's only the teaser
in the tale of DBS and the coming TV
revolution.

There is something a little discom-
fiting about using the final frontier as
he medium for a great argument for
human banality. The wags are certain to
ask why we have to send Morris the Cat
scampering out through the cosmos or
what objective is served by letting the

“Come, now, my lord! ... Big earls don’t cry!”

world in on reruns of Z Love Lucy in
Swahili. But DBS can offer greater Нех-
ibility in television than there has ever
been. It may release the medium from
the need to appeal to the lowest com-
mon denominator. With hundreds of
channels to choose from, surely there
will be as many repertory companies as
Three’s Companys, as much Shakespeare
as Shake 'n Bake.

Since its inception, television has been
spewing outward from carth in all
tions—the atmosphere is transparent to
TV's part of the radio spectrum. Some-
where out there, on a planet 25 light-
years away, some bewildered creature is
catching his first glimpse of Uncle Miltie
in drag. Maybe if we start sending out a
little more stimul: in another
25 years he'll {eel like getting in touch
with us.

While cooler heads may prevail upon
you to wait five years to see if the
satellite revolution really takes off, satel-
lite hotheads have already made the
following earth stations hot items in
their price ranges.

Microdyne's Megastar: Twelve feet in
diameter, this is a dish with an in-
ternal rotator. It's been advertised in the
American Express catalog and costs
$12,500 installed by a distributor. (Mi-
crodyne Corporation, Р.О. Box 7213,
Ocala, Florida 32672.)

Microwave Associates’ 12-foot antenna:
Retails for $8665, but you have to have
it installed through a dist Ro-
tates. (Microwave Associates Communi-
cations, 63 Third Avenue. Burlington.
Massachusetts 01803.)

Heathkit Earth Station: ‘Three-mecer
nonrotating antenna can be adjusted to
pick up various satellites. Antenna itself
made by Scientific Adanta, a good name
in the business. Offers a “Space Com-
mand Remote Control" (which is an
armchair control panel) for Buck Rogers
fans and costs $6995. You have to put it
together yourself. (Heath Company,
Benton Harbor, Michigan 49022.

Global TV Electronics’ earth station:
Global is a small operation in Maitland,
Florida, but it's a good example of the
mom-and-pop business’ entry into the
field. A complete 13-foot antenna system
retails for $3875. It does rotate, but you
will have to install it yourself or pay
somebody to do it. Global also sells
plans for its earth stations for $50 for
those of you with access to NASA's junk
pile. Caveat emptor, but this could be a
great deal for a home installer with
some technical expertise. (Global TV
Electronics, Inc., 235 South М
Avenue, Maitland, Florida 32751.)

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245

NO LEADING IMPORT IS HIGHER
THAN SUBARU IN OWNER LOYALTY.

Subaru owners have a lot in common.
Including the habit of trading in one Subaru
for another Subaru?

If that isn't the best endorsement any
car can earn, we don't know what is.

One good reason people stick with
Subaru is for its day in, day out reliability. The
last time Road and Track surveyed Subaru
owners, they reported ". .. one of the most
trouble-free cars we ever ѕигуеуеа:**

Another reason is the wide choice of
models. There's the sporty 2-door hardtop. The
luxurious 4-door sedan. The versatile hatch-
back. And the roomy station wagon.

Every Subaru has full-time front wheel
drive. In addition, three of our models —
Hatchback, Station Wagon, Brat — are also
available with On Demand Four Wheel Drive.
Which is four wheel drive at the flick of a lever.
Without stopping.

(Any other 4 wheeler around requires

a full stop before switching.

ырк AND сойғанда EM
MODELOWNERS. — — 5

Hg ig. ВЫ Se. к°з

neen HATH

And stopping is exactly what you can't
do sometimes.)

Some attractive options we offer are
the Hill-Holder™ (a device on ourmanual
transmission models! that keeps you
from drifting back after stopping on
steep hills), as well as power windows
and power steering, AW/ FM stereo,
cassette deck, cruise control. All the
wonderful unnecessities of drivin

Plus one huge necessity: out-
standing gas mileage. Our cars are
designed to squeeze every last mile
out of every last drop. Year after year.

Just remember that it's
quite easy to find an inexpensive car. The trick
is to find one that stays that way.

SUBARU.

INEXPENSIVE. AND BUILT
TO STAY THAT WAY.

TICNET&-EREIGHT ,

АСК.
үө (ОЕ MAY DIFFER DEPENDING ON DRIVING SPEED,
IONS AND TRIP L LENGTH. пе HWY MILEAGE WILL PROBABLY ВЕ LESS.

Little Anni

BY HARVEY KURTZMAN AND WILL ELDER

LAST NIGHT'S
LADYFRIEND,
JAMAICA?

was, WHERE THE TOURISTS, PLIED WITH RUM PUNCH,
HAVE. A WILD AND CRAZY VACATION. YOU, TOO, CAN
HAVE AWILDAND CRAZY VACATION IN JAMAICA. THEN AGAIN,
If YOU GET THE RUM PUNCH DELIVERED, YOU CAN STAY
WHERE VOU ARE.....AND NOW, HERE'S ANNIE AT NEGRIL
BEACH, WHERE PLUMP TRAVELERS PAMPER THEIR BODIES,
WONDERING WHETHER THE. SKINNY NATIVES GET THAT
WAY FROM THE SCARSDALE DIET, OR WHAT.

HL ANNIE!
MIGHT AS WELL
COME To THE NUDE
BEACH WITH МЕ.
YOURE ALREADY
DRESSED FOR
тт.

POOEE!
POOEE 7

THEYRE

BLOWING ThE Эр, ow

CONCH FOR wo Nic
COACHZ,

PRIMITIVE
SEA-SHELL

LIGHT BREEZE
STIRRED THE

DELICATE.
SHADE OF

BI GREEN FROM
Ed THE CHILI

PLAYBOY

248

YOU'VE GOT

THE BREATHING DOWN PAT,

YOUVE LEARNED TO CLEAR
THE MASK AND ADJUST THE
OXYGEN, 1 THINK YOU'RE
READY FOR THE WATER.

1 LOE
THE SINPLICITY

P SHEEGHE JUST
AST WAS GETTING
GOOD? ш

LIE ON THE
BEACH AND

SUN.

Ive
GOT FIFTEEN
MINUTES TO
Мт! T SCUBA, HALE AN
T^^ Hour FOR HORSE- OUT,
COME- BACK AND TWENTY Ae
“ING! , MINUTES To WATER-
ING. д Ski...GOOD GOD!
ТУЕ ONLY THIRTY

DESERTED
COVE. WE
CAN SCUBA

HURRY!
BOATS Are

COMING!

JEEPERS,
IT'S MACHO MITCH WE'LL GO BACK TO
THE HOTEL FOR

MORE SUITS!

OUR BATHING
SUITS 2; HIDE.
UNDER THE
‘BOATS TILL.
MIE RETURN.

YOW? T'VE BEEN STUNG BYA SEA URCHIN.

QUICK! PIDDLE

p-
ON THE STING. THE PIDDLE
WILL FIX IT.

“тиеу ке yours C4
| FORAKISS-
ONE KISS FOR
М;
тео €or tops!

LEAPIN*
LIZARDS... $

f teat САМЕ.

GUY MUST
HAVE STOLEN
THEIR SUITS,

HEK TUSHY

SHIMMERED
ROUND AND PINK TO
THE VERY END.

249

IMPORTED CANADIAN WHISKY- А BLEND - 80 PROOF - CAIVERT DIST CO, N ҮС

Go for the best from the North. A Canadian
so good, it takes the efforts of four great

Kise Innes Rom Manto (o Ouchee

to make the superb taste of one great whisky.
Lord Calvert: The Lord of the Canadians.

v "m AE
» hs pow Ay Eo А

of the Canada

DON AZUNA

PLAYBOY

(ON: THE

GEAR

SCENE

AUDIO VOYEURISM

f you think that some of your nights are uneventful, just punch
in the frequency of any metropolitan police department and
find out just how wild and crazy things really are. Or search the
local radiotelephone channels for a dose of daily soap opera as
the phone-in-car wheeler-dealers on wheels chat up their latest
ladies or argue over alimony with ex-wives. Because the new

generation of programmable scanners need no crystals and can
search entire bands, the simple police radio has evolved into a
sophisticated piece of VH.FU.H.F. monitoring equipment that
can pick up anything from marine, aviation, sheriff and rescue-
squad broadcasts to hams, hospitals, trains and even cabs and
buses. It's 11 PM, folks. Do you know where your cops are?

Clockwise from 11:
Realistic's PRO-2020, a
20-channel crystalless
receiver, features two-
speed channel

search for regular

or rapid scanning

and electronic
channel lockout,
from Radio Shack,
$299.95. The com-

of itis a program-
mable 40-channel
Touch M400 model
that can pick up

audio action athome
oron theroad,
available with built-in
digital clock and a re-
chargeable battery
pack, by Regency Elec-

mobile and porta-

ble) 10/60 scanner
that—as you may

have guessed—is a
ten-channel unit that

is programmed to 60
frequencies, by Fox Mar-
keting, $349.95. The
hand-held scanner at near
left is а Bearcat 100 16-
channel model that meas-
ures only 7" x3" x 1%” yet
сап automatically search
and scan the airways, by
Electra, $449.95. Last, a
D810 50-channel, eight-
band programmable
search scanner that covers
fire, police, marine and
weather, as well as air and
FM, by Regency Elec-
tronics, $499.95.

m
wena

251

HABITAT.

THE SPA EXPERIENCE COMES HOME

s more and more guys discover the joy of pamper-
ing their bodies at La Costa, The Golden Door and
other health resorts, serious sybarites are re-creat-
ing the spa experience back in their own pads
Many skin-care products previously stocked solely at spas
are now available in stores—and there's been a prolifera-

pad. Incorp
252

i 24 a

Left: This French-made spa-inspired Terraillon
. bathroom scale topped with wooden slals can
handle up to 260 pounds (120 kilos) and measures
only 12’ x 12" x 4’, from the Horchow Collection,
$54. Right: The wall-mounted Beautiful Skin
Shower System attaches directly to the shower
head and automatically blends a neutralizing
rinse (flacon one) and oils (flacon two) with the
water spray lo remoisturize your bod, $42.

You're looking at the spa-type Dathidressingexercise area of Robert
Mihalik, a New sculptor with space to spare in his Soho-district loft

I, an aerator for bubbles and a circulator, Behind the
ishowera lavatory and a multitude of mirrored storage bins.
k

tion of such specialty installations as saunas, hot tubs, whirl-
pools and aquatic bubble machines designed for the home.
A total spa-type shower, tub and dressing area—as depicted
here—is the ideal way to take the plunge. But if that's over
your head, begin with basic products and swim upstream as
your current finances allow. It's your move, Mr. Goodbody.

tub are four water jets, an

Left: You don’t have to check into La Costa,
the famous California health spa, to check out the
La Costa Shower/Bath Bar that adheres to the wall
and includes La Costa's shampoo with con-
ditioner, shower/bath gel, after-shower/bath
splash and a custom sponge, $27.50. Right: For
muscle and tone, there's a Joe Namath Dumb-
bell and Exercise Sel with three- and seven-
pound weights, by Dynamic Classics, $39.95.

Socko Performance

This is the first fight paparazzo photographer RON GALELLA has
had in years that was all in fun. Some arguments, like his running
опе with Jackie, are decided in the courts; others, like his fistfight
with Brando, ре! resolved in the street. Here, DUSTIN
HOFFMAN cares enough to send his very best.

Hallelujah!
Come On,

Get Happy

There's much

more, as you сап
see, to actress ERIN
MORAN, a.k.a.
Joanie Cunning-
ham on Happy
Days. Moran re-
cently had starring.
rolesinascience- |
iction thriller,
Mindwarp: Ап In-
finity of Terror, and
an upcoming TV

knows, she puts up
with Scott Baio
every week and

either of those
things against her.

GRAPEVINE

Keeping the Faith
Wild horses couldn't keep MARIANNE FAITHFULL from handing us one of

the best albums of last year, Dangerous Acquaintances. She has a voice like
silk and, from the looks of things, the lungs to go with it.

Singer DIANA ROSS had two recent
unveilings: her celebrity breast of the
month and a new megabuck record
deal with RCA. Only Elvis and The
Beatles have had more number-one
records than Ross. She's our royal Di.

Васһ
Tickles
Those
Ivories

Here we have actress
CATHERINE BACH
relaxing with a
couple of her body-
guards after a long
day on the set of her
hit TV series, The
Dukes of Hazzard.
We know something
ahout elephants: You
don't tell them what
to do and you don't
yell, “Hey, Dumbo!”
at them to get their
attention. You walk
softly and carry at
least one stick.

Don't О!
with Sybil
For those of you
who saw actress
SYBIL DANNING
in Battle Beyond `
the Stars last year
and thought a
woman who
looked likeher
could exist only in
an outer galaxy, re-
lax. Danning's now.
co-starring wi
Tony Franciosg in
Julie Darling.
Lucky for us,
she’s down
to earth!

She's Got the Look We Want to Know Better

Lady bountiful on the left is КІМ SEELBREDE, the current Miss U.S.A.; the
lady on the right says she's a contessa, named SUZANNA SCARELTI.
The anonymous hand giving the thumbs-up sign isn't whistling Dixie. We're
glad to note that not all beauty-contest winners play the accordion and want
to be speech therapists. Some boogie the night away at Regine's with royally.

DIRTY MINDS

We already know, without the ad-
vantages of scientific inquiry, that soap
Operas are addictive, may result in se-
rious brain damage and can make you
late to class. Now sociologists are be-
ginning to probe this cultural experi-
ence to find out its effects; they have
learned that if you immerse yourself
in suds, you don't always come up

SEX NEWS.

life among their fans. We thought we
owed you an explanation. Especially
in portrayals of sexual and social activ-
ities, say the profs, life in the soaps
is more intimate than in real life (as is
also the case in many AC/DC concerts).
The researchers monitored most of the
popular soaps, analyzed their content
and then compared it with real life.
They didn’t say whose.

In soap life, unmar-

clean.

In our pictorial The Bad and
the Beautiful (January 1982), we only
touched on reports in the Journal of

Communication of the Annenberg,
School of Communication, in which
several researchers accused soaps not
only of being unrealistic but of creat-
ing distorted perceptions about real

John Lennon's suc-
cess as a musical
artist overshad-
owed his fame as a
visual artist. The
drawing at left
comes from Len-
non’s lithograph
collection Bag
One, which toured
the U. S. last year
and is presently
touring abroad.
The artwork doc-
uments his mar-
паре to Yoko Ono.

C А А ips 77
el

ried couples are much
more likely to have sex
than married couples,
and when married cou-
ples talk about having
sex, it's usually in refer-
ence to their unmarried
acquaintances. Accord-
ing to the scientists,
something called erotic
touching is the most fre-
quently occurring sexual
activity, suggesting that
when disco died, it
moved on to TV.

One of the studies in
the journal's colloquium
surveyed 290 college stu-
dents who watch soaps.
It turned out that many
of them experienced
exaggerated perceptions
about many aspects of
life, which more or less

conformed to soap-
opera life. Соттоп
exaggerations included:

the numbers of doctors
and lawyers in the real world, the
number of people who have had af-
fairs, been divorced, had abortions,
had illegitimate children and the num-
ber of women who don't work. Had
they only asked, we figure they would
also have found that in any given group
of friends, one of them is sleeping with

From the What Makes America Great Department: From coast to coast, Americans like a good
contest, whether it's the world series, The Dating Game or the two documented below. At left,
participants in the Tits for Tots charity event in Costa Mesa, California, compete in a
marathon of events, including best buns, hot legs and a wet-T-shirt contest. Entrance fees were

contributed to chil

jren’s charities. At right, a leading contender in the Best Buns finals at

Summers, a Ft. Lauderdale, Florida, rock-"n'-roll bar, demonstrates her competitive ейде.

her best friend's husband, who is sleep-
ing with his attorney, who is sleeping
with all of them. Did we say sleeping?
We meant erotic touching.

JUMP ON A MAN LIKE
A DOG ON A BONE

Los Angeles papers lately have car-
ried an ad for a new group called
Single Animal Lovers of California. We
called its founder, 34-year-old single
Linda Wexler, a former Buffalo, New
York, schoolteacher who claims that
S.A.L.C. membership is swelling into
the hundreds. Most of the members
are professional people who own every-

When the L.S. Postal Service honors a
gynecological procedure designed to
avert a serious disease, how can we com-
plain? But we could have suggested amore
documentary approach to the artwork.
Are we starting a smear campaign?

thing from dogs and cats to exotic birds
and monkeys.

After establishing that the group was
for single humans who love animals,
rather than for humans who love sin-
gle animals, we asked her why she
started the group. The owner of a col-
lie named Lad, Wexler explained that
pet-owning singles have unique prob-
lems. For example, what happens when
you take a date home and he or she is
allergic to your dog? Or where do you
leave your pet when you take off for a
hot singles weekend? Best to find some
fellow animal lovers.

“Ive had my dog for 12 years,"
said Wexler, "but the men walk in
and out of my life.” Sounds like an
axiom for the Eighties. If you're inter-
ested in starting your own chapter,
write to S.A.L.C, Р.О. Box 46-463,
Los Angeles, California 90046. Twenty-
five dollars will get you an annual
membership plus four newsletters
about members and their pets. н

FALL IN LOVE IN
9 SECONDS FLAT

The Volvo Turbo can hurtle you from a standing
start to maximum legal speed іп а mere 9 seconds.

Its turbo-charged 4-cylinder engine can blowa
V-8 off the road. It has caused automotive writers to
use descriptions like “Spectacular” “A blast” “Like
cutting in an afterburner”

If that’ the kind of driving excitement you
thought had vanished with the muscle cars of the
past, test drive a Volvo Turbo.

It could rekindle your love affair with the car.

THE TURBO

By Volvo.

y = i = е ч
ES

HARDWARE &GENERAL STORE
23 Main St., Lynchburg, TN. 37352 3

PLAYBOY

Old-time Riverboat

Playing Cards
Both of these decks are prettier than a paint-
ing, and so is the antique lin card case. Each
card is a bit larger and thicker than normal—
like those used on riverboats in the 1890's
There's a black and a green deck— both with
an antique gold "distillery design." The face
cards are reproduced from 100-yearold art
work, So it's a real unusual set of cards for
the serious player. Twin deck in antique case
58.50. Postage included.

Send check. money order or use American Express,
Visa or MasterCard, including all numbers and
signature. (Add 6% sales lax for TN delivery.) For à
color catalog tuli of old Tennessee items and Jack
Daniels memorabilia, send 51 00 to the abo

Wess In continental U $ of A. cal 1-800-251-8600

À Tennessee residents call 615-759-7184. A

If you don’t like Rise’
Super Gel better than Edge
we'll give you
DOUBLE YOUR MONEY BACK“

st send the can with cash receipt to PO. Box 1811

lem. NC 27102. Relund offer up to S4 50.
е per customer. Offer expires Sept 30. 1962,
пег Масе, Inc- 1982

258

NEXT MONTH:

MUSIC'S YEAR CHONG'S CHARMS,

“TODAY TEXAS, TOMORROW THE WORLD: THE WAR ON
DRUGS"—THERE'S A FULL-SCALE BATTLE GOING ON IN THE LONE
STAR STATE, AND IT'S SPREADING FAST. LOOKS AS IF 1984 IS
ON THE MARK. A CHILLING REPORT—BY LAURENCE GONZALES

“WHAT DO WOMEN WANT?"—YOU'LL HATE YOURSELF FOR
LAUGHING AT WHAT HAPPENS TO LANCE LERNER IN THIS ONE,
BUT YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO HELP IT. A WRY FICTIONAL TALE OF
ATTEMPTED ADULTERY—BY DAN GREENBURG

JAMES WOODS, HOLLYWOOD'S FAVORITE SOCIOPATH, REVEALS
HIS DEBT TO THE CATHOLIC CHURCH: FOR HIM, IT MADE SEX
WORTH WHILE. THIS, AND MORE, IN **20 QUESTIONS”

“MAN & WOMAN, PART IV: THE SEX CHEMICALS''—SPEAK-
ING OF SEX, YOU CAN LIVE LONGER IF YOU'RE CASTRATED AT
BIRTH. BUT IS IT WORTH IT? A LIVELY LOOK AT HORMONES—
BY JO DURDEN-SMITH AND DIANE DE SIMONE

“QUEST FOR FIRE"—IT STOPS HERE, WITH PHOTOS FROM THAT
FILM—AND A SPECIAL PHOTO SURVEY OF OUR OWN—FOCUSING
ON RAE DAWN СНОМС--БҮ PHOTO ARTIST ERNST HAAS

“ON THE ROAD WITH THE TOMMY LASORDA SHOW"—A
CLOSE VIEW OF THE MAN BEHIND THE WINNING BEVERLY HILLS
STYLE OF BASEBALL MANAGEMENT—BY ROGER KAHN

“HOLD THE PHONE!"—IN TELEPHONE ELECTRONICS, WE'VE
COME A LONG WAY SINCE "NUMBER, PLEASE"—BY DANNY
GOODMAN

*PLAYBOY MUSIC '82"—HERE THEY ARE, THE RESULTS OF OUR
ANNUAL MUSIC POLL, PLUS THE LOW-DOWN ON TOP DEEJAYS'
FAVORITE ARTISTS AND ALBUMS. NOTEWORTHY!

“AMERICAN IN PARIS"—OUR PLAYMATE HENRIETTE ALLAIS
ТООК ОРЕ FOR PARIS AND BECAME ONE OF EUROPE'S TOP MOD-
ELS. NOW SHE'S ALL OURS AGAIN, IN STUNNING PHOTOS

ED KOCH, FLAMBOYANT, FEISTY MAYOR OF NEW YORK, RARELY
WITHHOLDS HIS OPINIONS ON LOCAL, STATE OR NATIONAL IS-
SUES. NOW HE OFFERS THEM, AT LENGTH, IN A COLORFUL, MEM-
ORABLE PLAYBOY INTERVIEW

You.can tell from the outside
which Scotch they serve on the inside.

Johnnie Walker
: | Black Label Scotch
TEARS F 12 100

Kings, 1 mg. “tar”, 0.2 mg. nicotine
av. per cigarette by FTC method,

The pleasure is back.

BARCLAY

790% tar free.

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