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ENTERTAINMENT FC 


APRIL 1982 • $2.50 


AN EXCLUSIVE 
PHOTO 
SESSION PLUS 


ШЫ у 
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— ee x == FT. a За —— А 


The V45 Magna. 


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HONDA 


FOLLOW THE LEADER 


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PLAYBILL 


ок, Guys. 105 time for a quiz. Complete the following sen- 
tence: In the spring, a young man's fancy turns to: A. ro- 
mance; B. baseball; C. drugs, sex and rock ‘п’ roll; D. the IRS. 

Jf you answered A, B or С. then you are in for a treat. If 
you circled D, well, there's hope. If we detect a trickle down, 
you'll hear about it here. 

According 10 Je Durden-Smith and Diane deSimone, in some 
parts of the world, a young man’s fancy is most likely to turn 
to romance in September—that’s when his testosterone 
high tide. In part four of гілувоў 5 Man and Woman series, 
our research team explores the effects of The Sex Chemicals 
on us, and it turns out that hormones, not clothes, make the 
man. Scientists are now looking at the role of testosterone апа 
estrogen in sexual behavior, and their findings are likely to 
shatter some of your stereotypes. 

As for the stp rising in September, that’s easy to explain: 
pennant fever. There's nothing like a clash between the 
Dodgers and the Yankees to get the old hormones moving. 
According to Roger Kahn, author of the piece we call Sunshine 
Boy, no one "will ever touch the mystery of a baseball 
manager like Tommy Lasorda,” the man who guided the Dodg- 
ers to a world-series victory last October. Kahn wrote about 
Lasorda 11 years ago, in his classic The Boys of Summer. 
The reunion produced some interesting insights. For in- 
stance, youll learn why Lasorda stayed with Fernando 
Valenzuela in game three. (Kim Whitesides supplied the ilustra- 
tion—in Dodger blue.) To give the Yankees equal time, we 
assigned Peter Manso to do a Playboy Interview with the rather 
northodox mayor of New York City, Ed “How 'm I doing?” 
Koch. Maybe he'll explain why the Yankees folded. 

On a more serious note: We have alway: ed with those 
who assert that the major harm from smoking marijuana is 
the harm of going to jail. For years, we have supported 
efforts to decriminalize the nation's favorite recreational drug, 
w we find ourselves facing a backlash. There’s new 
antimarijuana propaganda coming from a new batch of self- 
proclaimed experts who are willing to just about am 
thing about the killer weed. We sent Contributing Editor 
Laurence Gonzales to Texas and to Washington, D.C., for a view 
of this ominous campaign. The War on Drugs: A Special 
Report (illustrated by Kinuko Y. Craft) presents а chilling pic 
ture of justice gone mad. A great deal of harm can be done 
when mass hysteria is created and people are relieved of their 
ability to reason. 1984 is now. 

Rounding out the nonfiction: Claudia Dreifus checks in with 
actor James Woods (the sociopathic villain in The Onion 
Field) in 20 Questions. The results are outrageous. Danny 
Goodman surveys telephone accessories, and PLAYBOY Fashion 
Director David Plott looks at spring and summer fashions. 
PLAYBOY staffers Kate Nolan, Theo Kouvatsos, Рану Beaudet and 
Barbara Nellis and frec-lancer Carl Snyder managed to recover 
from the Rolling Stones tour in time to put out Playboy 
Music "2. 

So much for the rock ’n’ roll. Let's move on to the sex. 
Longtime contributor Dan Greenburg delivers an excerpt from 
his new novel, What Do Women Want? (to be published in 
April by Wyndham/Simon & Schuster). The story (illustrated 
by Dennis Mukai) describes one man’s attempt аг infidelity. 
Greenburg says his next project will be a book he will co- 
write called How 1o Avoid Love and Marriage, a humorous 
manual on how to destroy deep romantic relationships. 

If the printed word fails to arouse your hormone level, we 
have Miss April, Linda Rhys Voughn, stunningly captured by 
Staff Photographer Pompeo Posar, and views of Mariel Hemingway 
in and out of Robert Towne’s controversial new film Personal 
Best. After an issue like this, that 1010 is а piece of cake. 


i 4 D 0), : 
DURDEN-SMITH, DE SIMONE KAHN WHITESIDES. 


MANSO 


MUKAL 


PLAYEOY (155 0032-1478), APAI 
2HO-CLASS POSTAGE PAID AT CHGO- 


VOL. 29, NO, 4. PUBLISHED MONTHLY BY PLAYBOY IN NATIONAL AND REGIONAL EDITIONS, PLAYBOY DLDG., 919 M. MICHIGAN AVE., CHGO,, ILL. costs, 
LL, # AT ADDL. MAILING OFFICES. SUIS.: IN THE U. S., $18 FOR #2 ISSUES. POSTHASTER: SEND FORK 3579 TO PLAYUOY, P.O. BOX 2420, POULDER, COLO. 20301. 


PLAYBOY 


vol. 29, no. 4—april, 1982 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE 
PLAYBILUS t Me EIL tres TOES E TOUS RTT ата 5 
THE WORLD OF PLAYBOY .. 11 
DEAR PLAYBOY ........ 15 
PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS 21 


More heirs to Howard Hughes; o visit with John (Pink Flamingos, Polyester) 


Waters. 
MOVIES Breet rine ERE ETE с dn 
Costa-Gavros crafts a Chilean chiller; sporks from Keaton, Finney. 
MUSIC ISS Perey ккк ек M Ee с E 34 
The wit and wisdom of Peter Wolf. опа Warren Zevon; ‘the return of Chubby 
Checker. 
BOOKS Stet ee Seer er ы Ж: Ыы eee - 40 
Perfection from John Cheever; o fomily for the Eighties from Anne Tyler. 
COMING ATTRACTIONS ................................ 41 
Lily Tomlir's latest; Pirates wars. 

(met IMENT БОЕ er MEE .ASA BABER 43 


First look at our new column devoted exclusively to the complexities of being 
male. For openers, a pensive ossessment of role models. 


PLAYBOY'S TRAVEL GUIDE ............ -...STEPHEN BIRNBAUM 45 
Lunch in Lyons ond dinner in Poris, thonks to the high-speed Troin à Grande 

Vitesse 
THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR УТЕ E 49 
DEAR PLAYMATES ........ oo A EES es sss E 
= I[HEJPUAYBOYSEORUM КЕЕ cro c ee oes 57 

Tommy Losorda 

PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: ED KOCH—candid conversation .......... 67 


New Yorks audacious moyor often asks—ond here answers—his favorite 
question: "How т І doin?" 


WHAT DO WOMEN WANT?—fiction ............ DAN GREENBURG 100 
When his wife is having on affair with his best friend, what's а fello to do? 
Lance thinks he knows. 


PERSONAL BEST—pictorial essay ............. .. 104 
Screenwriter Robert (Chinatown, Shampoo) Towne chose Mariel Hemingway 
to star in his directoriol debut, an erotic new film about female jocks. He 


Meo Movie! tells why he made the film, ond how. 
PERSONAL MARIEL .................................... 108 
The young star of the Towne film reveals more thon ever! 
ONE FOR THE ROAD—fiction ........ _....-GARDNER DOZOIS 110 


All he wanted to do was unwind with а drink, so he went out to а bor. It's 
а night he can't forget. 


PLAYBOY'S SPRING AND SUMMER 
FASHION FORECAST, PART Il—attire ............... DAVID PLATT 114 


What's up for summer? New colors and styles for casual cool. 


GENERAL OFFICES: PLAYBOY surtou 
NIGHTS RESERVED. PLAYBOY AND RABBIT HEAD SYMBOL ARE HARKS OF PLAYBOY, REGISTERED U.S. PATENT OFFICE. MARCA REGISTRADA, MARQUE DEPOSEE. NOTHING MAY BE AEPRIATED IM WHOLE 
OR їн PANT WITHOUT WRITTEN PERMISSION FROM THE PUBLISHER. ANY SIMILARITY BETWEEN THE PEOPLE AND PLACES IN THE FICTION AND SEMIFICTION (N THIS MAGAZINE AND ANY 
REAL PEOPLE AND PLACES 15 PURELY COINCIDENTAL CREDITS: PHOTOGRAPHY OY: BILL ARSENAULT, P. 161: BRUCE AYERS. P. 99. FROM BOOK "CATS,- P. 12, DAVID CHAN, P. 1; DAVID 
DEAL, P. 138-139: LARRY DICKSON, P. 162: J, VERSER ENGELNARD, P. 5 (2), 224: RICHARD FECLEY, P. 17, 139; ARMY FREYTAG, Р. 18, 108-109; LAWRENCE GROSEL, P. 12; HERMAN'S 


AND AS SUBJECT TO PLAYBOY'S UNRESTAICTED RIGHT TO EDIT AND TO COMMENT ECITORIALLY. CONTENTS COPYmiGHY © 1962 BY PLAYBOY. ALL 


COVER STORY 

In Robert Towne's new movie, Personal Best, Mariel Hemingway plays an athlete, so it 
wasn't hard for Contributing Photographer Arny Freytag to get her into sweat clothes 
for this month's cover shot. When West Coast Photo Editor Marilyn Grabowski sprayed 
her with water to simulate sweat, playful Mariel grabbed the sprinkler and sprayed back. 


SUNSHINE BOY—personality ............... UN ROGER KAHN 118 
To Tommy Lasorda, managing the І.А. Dodgers is more than crunching the 
Yankees; it’s a year-round lifestyle. 


SMALL WONDER—playhoy’s playmate of the month 
Linda Rhys Vaughn is lithe, lovely and mischievous. 
her on our gatefold, but nothing can restrain Miss April. 


anon LAS 
, we've captured 


PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES—humor ............................ 132 


THE WAR ON DRUGS: Women's Wants 

A SPECIAL REPORT—article . LAURENCE GONZALES 134 
Nationwide public concern over drug abuse is escalating. Down in Texas, 
they're calling it a war—and you know what happens to constitutional rights 
under martial law. An alarming dispatch from the front. 


THE CASE AGAINST THE BILL OF RIGHTS .................. . 136 
The spokesmen of the war on drugs succeed only in reducing rights. 


THE DRUG-ABUSE INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX ... 137 
Fed by propaganda ard Federal money, the agencies’ power keeps growing. 


HOLD THE PHONE!—article ................. DANNY GOODMAN 138 
You no longer have to use a telephone from the Bell system. What's more, 
you can choose an instrument that does more than transmit voices. Here's 
а selection of what's available and what's coming. 


MAN AND WOMAN, PART IV 

THE SEX СНЕМІСАІ5..... JO DURDEN-SMITH and DIANE DE SIMONE 143 
Hormones, researchers have found, determine sexual behavior much earlier 
than you think. 


Z 
Fashion ІІ 


LEROY NEIMAN SKETCHBOOK—-pictorial ...................... 147 
PARIS MATCH—pictorial .................. Карлы; рас алы .. 148 
Henriette Allais, Miss March 1980, went to France—and seduced a notion. 
THE OPTICAL ILLUSION—ribald classic ...... JEAN DE LA FONTAINE 157 
PLAYBOY!MUSIC'82—survey ET EE 159 
In which we rate the high points of the year, discuss promising new rages 
and reveal how readers voted in our annual Music Poll. 
20 QUESTIONS: JAMES WOODS ............................-.- 170 
One of our favorite offbeat actors contemplates Hollywood and his own fate. TEKE 
PLAYBOY FUNNIES—humor ......... Lain дым жб» ыз E 174 
PEAY BOYIPOTPOURRI К Т Cp А А күз ES 224 
PLAYBOY PUZZLE ..... 


Famous for their popu! lese mechanical marvels have 
been around for half a century. Do you remember which ones came first? 


PLAYBOY ONITHE БСЕМЕ ИЕР tico o e ES 249 
Neat storage for audio and video cassettes; computerized watches offer en- 
lertaining timekeeping; under-it-all briefs and boxers; Grapevine; Sex News. Neiman's Cher 


SPORTING GOODS, г. 251; BRENT HERMIDGE, P. з; HIGH-TECH FITNESS OF WEST HOLLYWOOD, P. 105.109; STEVE KAGAN B PAUL NATKIN/ PHOTO RESERVE, P. 160; RICHARD KLEIN, P. з 
(3), 12: @ 186! DY LADD COMPANY, г. 12: LARRY L. LOGAN, P. з, 11, ат; ROBERT MATHEW, P. 11; CHRISTIAN MOSER, Р. 18; POMPEO POSAR, P. 12; VERNON 1. SMITH, P. з (6); 
Болт CONSTRUCTED ву тон SLAIN, THE WOODEN BOAT CENTER, MARINA DIL REY, CA, P. 99. LETTERING BY DAVID JEFFREY, P. 39, PHOTOGRAPHED AT STEVE CURRAN YACHY SALES, MARINA 
DEL FEY, CA, P. 99. ILLUSTRATIONS BY: TIM ANDERSON, P, 34; DAN CLYNE, Р. 224; ROY MOODY, 
POST. к. 215; ван OUARNSTROW, P. 160, 163-168; BILL REISER, P. 
T. 62, 325. INSERTS: AMERICAN EXPRESS CARD INSERT BETWEEN PACES 


PLAYBOY 


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The spirit of the Czar lives on. 


Wolfschmidt 
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Product of U.S.A. Distilled from grain + Available in 80 and 100 proof + Wolfschmidt, Relay, Md. 


PLAYBOY 


HUGH M. HEFNER 
editor and publisher 


NAT LEHRMAN associate publisher 


ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director 
ARTHUR PAUL ан director 
DON GOLD managing editor 
GARY COLE photography director 
G. BARRY GOLSON executive editor 
ТОМ STAEBLER executive art director 


EDITORIAL 

ARTICLES: JAMES MORGAN edilor; ков FLEDER 
associate editor; FICTION: ALICE к. TURNER 
editor; TERESA GROSCH. associate edilor; WEST 
COAST: STEPHEN RANDALL editor; STAFI 
WILLIAM J. HELMER, GRETCHEN MC AEESE, 
PATRICIA PAPANGELIS (administration), DAVID 
STEVENS senior editors; ROBERT E, CARR, WALTER 
LOWE, Jk, JAMES R. PETERSEN senior staff 
writers; BARBARA NELLIS, KATE NOLAN, J. Е. 
O'CONNOR, JOHN REZEK associate editors; SUSAN 
MARGOLIS-WINTER, TOM PASSAVANT. associate 
new york editors; KEVIN COOK assistant edi- 
tor; SERVICE FEATURES: ED WALKER, MARC 
к. WILLIAMS assistant editors (modem living) 
DAVID PLATT fashion direcior; MARLA SCHOR 
assistant editor; CARTOONS: MICHELLE URRY 
editor; COPY: ARLENE пока editor; JOYCE 
RUBIN assistant editor; CAROLYN DROWN 
JACKIE JOHNSON, MARCY MARCHI, паві LYNN 
NASH, MARTIN PEMSLER, DAVID TARDY, MARY 
ZION researchers; CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: 
ASA BABER, STEPHEN BIRNDAUM (Favel), JOHN 
BLUMENTHAL, LAURENCE GONZALES, LAWRENCE 
GROWEL, ANSON MOUNT, PETER KOSS RANGE, 
DAVID RENSIN, RICHARD RHODES, JOHN SACK, 
DAVID STANDISH, BRUCE WILLIAMSON (ovics) 


ART 

KERIG POPE managing director; LEN. WILLIS, 
CHET SUSKI senior directors; BOB POST, SRI 
WILLIAMSON, BRUCE HANSEN associate directors; 
THEO KOUVATSOS, JOSEPH PACZEK assistant 
directors; BETH RASIK senior art assistant; 
PEARL MIURA, ANN SEIDL art assistants; SUSAN 
HOLMSTROM traffic coordinator; BARBARA 
HOFFMAN administrative manager 


PHOTOGRAPHY 

MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast editor; JEFF 
COHEN senior editor; JAMES LARSON, JANICE 
MOSES associate editors; PATTY BEAUDET, LINDA 
KENNEY, MICHAEL ANN SULLIVAN assistant edi- 
tors; POMPEO POSAR slaf] photographer; рлу 
MECEY, KERRY MORRIS associate хаў photog 
raphers; BILL ARSENAULT, MARIO CASILLI, DAVID 
CHAN, RICHARD PEGLEY, ARNY FREYTAG, R. SCOTT 
HOOPER, RICHARD IZUL REN MARCUS contribut- 
ing photographers; JEAN PIERRE HOLLEY (Par- 
ij), Lusa SIEWART (Rome) contributing 
editors; James warn color lab supervisoi 
ROBERT cHELIUS business manager 


PRODUCTION 
JOHN MasrRO director; ALLEN VARGO manager; 
MARIA MANDIS asst. таг; ELEANORE WAGNER, 
JODY JURGETO, RICHARD QUAKT AROLI assistants 


READER SERVICE, 
CYNTHIA LACEY 


акаси manager 


CIRCULATION 
RICHARD SMITH director; ALVIN WIEMOLD sub- 
scription manager 

ADVERTISING 
HENRY W. MARRS director 


ADMINISTRATIVE 
MICHAEL LAURENCE business manager; PAU- 
LETE GAUDET. rights & permissions manager; 
MILDRED ZIMMERMAN administrative assistant 


PLAYBOY ENTERPRISE! 
DERICK J. paniers president 


5, INC. 


Olympus OMH. Every inch a classic. 
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Its finder is free of the clutter so ord 
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Quartz-locked. 


These three terms describe 
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Isaac Asimov puts it in simpler 
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"The Realistic? STA-2290 is 
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Ths state-of-the-art microprocessor, 
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the brain of the STA-2290. Stores 12 
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precise tuning. 


Computerized convenience 
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"You also get computer accu- 
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THE WORLDWIDE SUPERMARKET OF SOUND* 


Price may vary al individual stores and dealers. Twcyear mieg warranty See page 10 о! our 1982 calalog #341 for detail. 


THE WORLD OF PLAYBOY 


in which we offer an insider's look at what's doing and who's doing it 


THE PLAYBOY INTERVIEW 


When WBBM-TV, CBS' Chicago station, ran a weighty news 
report on Playboy Enterprises, reporter Phil Walters (below 
lefi) followed the Bunny trail to corporate chief Hugh M. 
Hefner (right) for the facts. Hef provided an overview of 
corporate interests in publishing, cable TV and gambling. 


HERE TODAY—GOING, GOING, GONE TOMORROW 


Bill Kurtis, CBS-TV's morning anchor man, with Chicago Bunnies, 
above, auctions off original PLAYBOY cartoons to aid The Center 
for Action on Endangered Species. The auction raised $40,000, 
proving that our pics are worth more than 1000 words. 


FULL BLOOM: „кт 
ITS CHERRY- 
BLOSSOM TIME 


When Ava Cherry signed 
on as a Chicago Club 
Bunny we recognized 
her photographic potential. 
Witness the shot of Ava аі 
left, from our December 
1980 Bunny Birthday pic- 
lorial. After hanging up 
her Bunny ears, Ava started 
а singing career, first 
backing up David Bowie 
and now making her own 
album, Streetcar Named 
Desire (Capitol). Below, \ 
а current publicity shot. 


FUNNY BUNNY: 
DELVENE DELANEY 


Former London Bunny Del- 
vene Delaney now cuts up on 
The Paul Hogan Show, Australia’s 

highly rated TV comedy series, now 
in U.S. syndication. Above, De- 
laney portrays Princess Skinflick 
in a Hogan Show appearance. 


THE WORLD OF PLAYBOY 


THE NEW WELLES IN CINEMA 


Playmate of the Year for 1981, Terri Welles, 
ducks into a car during the filming of 
Looker, the thriller in which she debuts оп- 
screen. Welles plays a beauty (natch) who 
aims for perfeclion through plastic surgery. 


WE'RE ALL EARS, BIG FELLA 


Boss operatic tenor Luciano Pavarotti, who is set for a Playboy Interview, takes 
time out from questioner Lawrence Grobel's grilling to celebrate his 46th birthday 
in Chicago, above. Who sang Happy Birthday? From Іей, Bunny Cheryl, 
Pavarotti, Bunny Anna and Grobel. This guy knows how to avoid a mid-life crisis. 


BLONDIE AND DAGWOOD REVISITED? 


‘Sex researchers William Masters and Virginia Johnson have 
usually received serious treatment in our pages. One 
exception: the Lee Lorenz cartoon below. Christie Hefner, 
a member of the board of the Masters and Johnson Insti- 
tule, presents the original to them at a board meeting. 


RET | 


AND YOU THOUGHT MORRIS HAD IT EASY 


Terry Gruber's new book, Fat Cats, features feline friends of the 
famous, including PLAYBOY Contributing Photographer Ken Marcus 
and his chunky tomcat, Duke. Above, Duke's on the job in a picture 
from the book. Ken and Duke, as it were, getting their shots. 


PLAYMATE UPDATE: 
SUSAN KIGER MAKES 
DEATH SCREAM 


Sometimes death walks; 
sometimes it stalks; and 
then, sometimes, it trips; 
now death screams. At 
least it does in the new 
movie of that name featur- 
ing January 1977 Playmate 
Susan Kiger, left. At right, 
Susan clowns with pro- 
ducer Chuck Ison end 
actress Andrea Savio on 


12 location in North Carolina. 


E ношкай yeats from now, 


they'll know this was a society of good taste. 


Product of NISSAN € 


O 1981 NMC-U.S.A. 


DEAR PLAYBOY 


ADDRESS DEAR PLAYBOY 


PLAYBOY BUILI 


919 N. MICHIGAN AVE. 
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611 


FOOT SOLDIERS OF THE APOCALYPSE 
I was so impressed by Philip Caputo's 
The Unreturning Army (рълувох, Janu- 
ary) that І had to write. I had never ful- 
ly comprehended what it must have been 
like to be in Vietnam—and then to come 
home to the closed mind of society. 
Thank you for opening my eyes. 
Cheryl Bartlett 
Madeira Park, British Columbia 


You have once again outdone your- 
selves. Rage, disgust and helplessness 
overcame me when I read The Unreturn- 
ing Army. It fel lı Philip Caputo 
had been ге; d. I am a per- 
manently disabled veteran, but my dis- 
abilities are all physical—or so I used to 
think. Caputo made me realize I have 
been fooling myself. I live with physical 
pain, but I just wouldn't admit to myself 
how damned much mental anguish І 
suffer every No, I haven't left 
Vietnam behind. I thought І had, but 
every time J Jook over my shoulder, it's 
still there. 


Eddie Simpson 
Urbana, Ilinois 


І read The Спгеішпіпе Army with a 
great deal of understanding and sym- 
pathy for those who fought America's 
war without America's concern. 
article should bc mandatory r 
every adult. 


ding for 


William C. Bradshaw 
Oakland, California 


‘The idea that every tragedy, every act 
of violence, every failure in life can be 
blamed on some abstract entity called 
Vietnam is a cop-out. Why not ask 
р Caputo to write about the true 
tims of Vietnam—the Vietnamese 
themselves? After almost seven years in 
the United Sta my wile still wakes 
up screaming from nightmares about the 
У.С. taking away and killing members 


of her family. Many other Vietnamese 
live in similar anguish because they are 
separated from families and friends 
whom the Communists hold in slavery 
Instead of blaming all our domestic ills 
on some vague notion called post-Viet- 
nam delayed-reaction syndrome, we ought 
to face up to our responsibility. We 
should turn our attention to the anguish 
of Vietnamese refugees and their families 
still living in captivity. They're the real 
victims, the ones we've failed. 

Daniel J. Vandeberg 

St. Paul, Minnesota 


The details of The Unreturning Army 
and my personal experiences at that 
same time in Vietnam really caused me 
to come to attention. | was 19 when I 
landed in "Nam, with one child at home 
and another born 40 days after 1 started 
my tour. I came back an E sergeant 
after 365 days, 12 hours and five minutes, 
a very lucky 20-year-old man. I wrote a 
song alter my return to the States that 
is called A Grunt’s Protest of Home: 

“We are men who stand alone/Twelve 
thousand miles from ho s emp- 
ty of all but blood,/Bodies covered w 
sweat and mud./You don't know what 
its like over here,/You and your party 
girls and beer./Plant your signs on the 
White House lawn./Burn your draft 
cards. We march at dawn./Pop some 
pills; roll in the sun,/Simply refuse to 
carry a gun. /T here's nothing else for you 
to do . . ./And I’m supposed to die for 
you." 


Jefi Jones 
Nashville, Tennessee 


CLASS CLOWN 

January's Playboy Interview with 
George Carlin is a fascinating look 
at one of our class comedians, He 
has kept me laughing since I was 15 
years old and has also taught me more 
than a few things about the world and 


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society. May his "third career" be one 
that will continue to entertain and 
tcach us all. 
John A. Lombardi 
Offutt AFB, Nebraska 


Thank you fora terrific interview with 
George Carlin. Not only is it interesting 
and funny, it also finally clears up one 
question that has kept us all guessing for 
y exactly what drugs he used to 
keep himself one step ahead of every 
body else. 


C. Blanchard 
Lowell, Massachusetts 


What the hell's going on? You inter- 
view President Carter I'm expecting. 
seriousness; I get humor. You interview 
George Carlin: I'm expecting humor; I 
get seriousness. "My body is made out 
of stars"; "the Russians are coming, the 
establishment is stinking and sinking”? 
Wow! I could have had a V-8. 

Robert A. Ward 

Birmingham, Alabama 


Alter reading the George Carlin inter- 
view closely, 1 am convinced that Carlin 
suffers from a rare medical malady 
called optical rectis, in which the nerves 
between the eyes and the rectum become 
crossed. The ра ariably gets a 
very shitty outlook on life. Carlin can. 
do better. 


c B. Brune, M.D. 
le. Ohio 


For more than a decade, I've wanted 
to have a lengthy сопу on with 
comet orge Carlin, hearing what 
the man has to say without the satire. 
A special thank you to Sam Merrill for 
providing that conversation in January's 
incisive Playboy Interview. 

John L. Michaelis 


Carson, California 
I reveled in Sam Merrill's George 
Carlin interview. Carlin’s perceptive 


remarks on drugs, religion and politics 
are so | akingly mature and on 
get that the highest accolades are in 
order for him and for м.лувоу, for 
bringing out the serious side of a remark- 
able come 


inboro, Pennsylvania 
HOT SERIALS 
My compliments to Richard Fegley for 
his pictorial The Bad and the Beautiful 
(PrAYnov, January). І appreciate in par- 
ticular the assets of Lisa Loring, whom 
І remember as Wednesday on The 
Addams Family. She has grown into a 
strikingly beautiful woman. 
Roy Howell 
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania 


I thoroughly enjoyed your fine pic- 
torial on the women of the soaps. The 


photography is nothing short of excel- 
lent. And Genie Francis is nothing short 
ofa portrait of natural beauty. 
Terry Nelson 
Crookston, Minnesota 


Your marvelous pictorial on soap-opera 
sirens has only one flaw: It’s too short. 
Here's my vote for a curtain call and 
an extended encore performance. 

Richard Anderson 
Baltimore, Maryland 


The Bad and the Beautiful—what a 
pictorial. “Three chirps for Lisa Loring” 
is right—I watch As the World Turns 
every chance I get, just to see "Cricket." 

Billy Davis, Jr. 
St. Marys, Ohio 


Robin С. Eisenman is a magnificent 
creature! More, more, more! 
Phil Pokorny 


Peoria, Шіпоіѕ 
Phil, we can't refuse a request of such 
subtlety and restraint. Here, here, 


here 
in“ 


Robin has quickened more hearts 
2eneral Hospital” than the coronary- 
care uni. 


VIVENT LES DIFFERENCES 

Your valuable new series Man апа 
Woman is the kind of information cu- 
rious and concerned readers look to 
PLAYBOY lor. An integrated presentation 
of science's cumulative findings will help 
draw men and women together in a 
cooperative quest for the good lile, 
once defined by Bertrand. Russell as a 
life “inspired by love and guided by 
knowledge.” 


Paul Sullivan 
San Francisco, California 


Your series Man and Woman, by Jo 
Durden-Smith and Diane deSimone, 
1 be cogent only if the authors recog- 


nize that the male-female dichotomy is 
fallacious. Human sexuality is not a 
dichotomy but a continuum. There is 
no such thing as a male: there is no such 
thing as a female. There are only indi 
viduals who are more or less fen 
more or less male. 


Donald D. Gordon 
Pasadena, Californi 


I would like to express my apprecia- 
tion for Man and Woman, Part 1, by 
Jo Durden-Smith and Diane deSimone 
(тїлүвоу, January). The questionnaire 
helped clear up some communication 
problems between а new fling and mi 
We both answered the questions hon- 
estly, in the absence of cach. other. The 
next day, we got together and reviewed 
each other's answers bottle. of 
wine. What happened next was ап 
ing—a very candid discussion on both 
our wishes and opinions, as well as cri 
cisms, that lasted a good three hours. 
"Thanks for helping clear things up. І 
look forward to the next installment. 

L. T. Butler 

Vienna, Vir 


over 


nia 


TITULAR HEADACHE 

When my novel Jn Praise of Older 
Women originally appeared, its title and 
subject matter were thought to be so 


unpromising that most publications 

cluding PrAvsoy, ignored й. Subse- 
quently. it sold more than 2,500.000 
copies around the world. Now. not a 


month goes by without my seeing In 
Praise оў Older Women on top of some- 
body else’s work im a newspaper or a 
magazine. This is common practice, but 
is it something nice boys and girls ought 
to do? In public? In broad daylight? Га 
tell you the title of my new novel, ех 
cept that I would like to see it printed in 
connection with my own writing, at least 
the first time around. By the way, І liked 
Thomas M. Disch's story іп Janua 
raso, In Praise of Older Women. 
Stephen Vizinczey 
London. England 
You're right. Our duplication of your 
title was unintentional, of course, but 
we'll understand if your next novel is 
called “Dear pLaypoy.” 


McARTHUR RETURNS 

Wow! A Playmate who reads Vonne- 
gut and Rand. likes mature men and 
looks a little like Little Annie Fanny. 
And to top it all off, she's from my home 
town. Kimberly McArthur (PLAYmoY, 
January) adds a whole new dimension to 


the bumper sticker Foxt моти, An LUV 
yew! 


James Walters 
Anchorage, Alaska 


I tried out for the Dallas Cowboys 
last year and was cut; 1 felt that the 
Cowboys had made а mistake. Now that 
1 see they also cut Kimberly McArthur 


17 


PLAYBOY 


16 


from their cheerleading squad. I know 
they must be nuts! But it's OK—the 
New York Giants will cverthrow them 
sooner without Kim. 
R. C. Gillis 
Yonkers, New York 


Seeing your January centerfold made 
it clear to us once again that the girls 
of the South are the best. Although 
Kimberly McArthur did not make the 
Dallas Cowboys’ cheerleading squad. you 
can be sure that she will always bring 
cheer to our hearts. Compliments to 
PLAYBOY and to McArthur. 

Brothers of Kappa Sigma 
Southern Methodist University 
Dallas, Texas 


Aw, come on. Give us a break. That's 

one too many Texas girls. Soon, there 

won't be any men left here up North. 
Michael Shields 
Plymouth, Michigan 


Hooray for another great leader named 
McArthur! Kimberly makes this look 
like an auspicious year for PLavnoy. Her 
fabulous face and features have caused 
mc some respiratory problems. How 
about one more picture? 

Hawkeye Schwolow 
Palatine, Illinois 

At the risk of precipitating anoxia, 
Hawkeye, we're passing along anoth- 
er breath-taking broadside of January's 


stellar belle. When the Cowboys booted 
Kim, it just spurred her on to better 
things. 


REELING ROCK 
Stephen King's Between Rock and a 
Soft Place (vtaynoy, January) makes 
some very clear points about rock 
music's slide into the current pop cul- 
ture, It’s almost too sad to think about. 
Thank God for FM! 
Peter J. Spaziano 
Brick, New Jersey 


I thoroughly enjoyed your entire 
January issue, but Stephen King's article 
on supply-side radio is wonderful! 

R. K. Fene 
Fort Scott, Kansas 


Between Rock and a Soft Place is per- 
fectly tuned. When І listen to the radio, 
1 like to hear such gems as Steppenwolf, 
Creedence Clearwater Revival, Iron But- 


terfly, "The Doors and the Beatles. 
Sounds from those artists сап be com- 
pared to taking out a beautiful woman. 
The noise from performers today can be 
compared to taking out the garbage. 

І Hanson 


HAVEN IN A STORM 

As Annette Haven's attorney, I would 
like to call attention to an еі in the 
interview with my client in November's 


rLayuoy (Tuning In to Channel Sex). 


Apparently, you relied upon the state- 
med 


ment of an 
Haven "has no qualm: 
member of the 
him a big surprise.” ™ It so happens that 
Haven is a professional and takes 
pride in her work. Not only has she 
never im her nine-year career acted in 
the way that was implied but she has 
always conducted herself, on and off the 
screen, in an exemplary manner. 

Garrett L. 


unn; that 
ibout finding a 


age crew 


actress 


ad “ ‘giving 


We didn't mean 
of professionalism on part. 
Apparently, there's no Haven for the 
world-weary stage hand. 


"en's 


CLEAVAGE CONFUSION 

Having received my January rLaynoy, 
I glanced briefly at the cover photo, 
g the subject to be a stunning 
display of cle; Some time later, my 
-old son wandered by. pointed 
gazine and exclaimed, "Bum!" 
Much to my chagrin, 1 realized that his 
knowledge of anatomy outstripped my 
own. 


Bunny Stover 

Winnipeg, Manitoba 

While we're glad you enjoyed the cov- 
er, we have some trouble understanding 


WOWEN oF 
THE SAN 


ONS DERES 
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DSL. 

UID ТТ 


vun 
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Fames 


why so many people were confused by it. 
Nobody's neck is that long! 


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PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS 


GLAND GESTURE 


Remember your old science textbooks? 
A human body was supposed to be worth 
around 98 cents. Times have changed. A 
couple of San Dicgo physicians were re- 
cently indicted [or peddling human 
organs obtained during autopsies. We 
don't know if this stuff has been figured 
into the GNP, but the rate sheet is 
certainly significant: human brain, 
$150; heart, $100; prostate gland, $25; 


pancreas, $50: thyroid glands. $15 each 
and 


something called human-cadaver 
a whopping $500 per liter. De 
ant Dr. Douglas Simay even rented 
а frozen-storage locker іп which to keep 
his inventory, but from time to time he 
kept a few spare parts in his fridge at 
home. Aw, honey, have a heart—I don't 
{eel like cooking tonight 
C 

One way to handle it. A huge sign 
grecting recent arrivals at the. Bangkok 
airport read: WELCOME PESTICIDE CON- 
TKOL/ PLANNED PARENTHOOD MEETING. 


BOOK ENDS 

The Down There Press of Burlingame, 
California, has announced publication 
ol a book, Anal Pleasure and Health, by 
Jack Morin, Ph.D. Among the ticklish 
topics covered—and we quote from the 
“How to 


press release— 


eplace nega- 
tive feelings about the anus and rectum 
with positive attitudes; how to enjoy 
anal stimulation and promote anal 
health—simultaneously; how to reduce 
or climinate even chronic anal tension: 
how to know and communicate one’s 
requirements for satisfying anal experi 
ences.” We'll wait for the movie. 
А 

Permit us to reprint selectively from 
an Associated Press item in the Colum 
bia, South Carolina, State Record cn- 
titled "PEOPLE ARE EATING BEAVER 
“They're tasty little critters,” says Carl 


Mason of Sturgis, Mississippi, director of 
the Beaver Cooperative Association. 
“And they're free for the taking. People 
are interested in getting back to nature, 
and it’s hard to beat free meat.” 
. 
Attention, grandmothers! This from 
a Washington Post classified ad: “Grand- 
father Gock—Italian made slim design, 
black and brass. With chimes. Excellent 
condition.” 


BLOWN AWAY 

If you don't send flowers, there are 
still other ways to make an impression 
Redmond Productions (517 Sixth St. 
San Francisco, California 94103), for in- 
stance, will deliver a blow job—so to 
speak. These folks specialize in balloon 
bouquets for any occasion. What we 
think of as the Fay Wray special is sev- 
eral thousand red balloons forming a 
30-foot heart—a valentine fit for а Kong. 


Redmond's crowning achievement. how 
ever. was created for last year's annual 
Hooker's Ball in San Francisco: Morc 
than a thousand condoms were made 
into a giant ball—a rubber ball, get й? 
Happily, the vice squad didn't pop out 


and bust everybody, so it wasn't some 
kind of Trojan trick 
. 

Steve Howe, the leader of the Austin 


Citizens for Decency, reminds 

us. in an article from The Austin Press. 

that the absolute bottom.” 

As opposed to. of course, the living end 
. 

Flash from the IRS: “Ап individual 
attains the age of 65 on the first moment 
of the day preceding his 65th birthday. 
So why put off until tomorrow what you 
want to put off today? 

. 

It must have been the baklava. This 
headline from the Turkish Daily News 

PREMIER INAUGURATES NEW FARTILIZER 


Texas, 


sodomy is 


HOLD THE MUSTARD. 


Hotdogging reached its heyday last 
spring when three sisters, wearing only 
shoes, mustard, relish and mayo, com- 
mandecred a United Parcel Service de 
livery van to spread the word of God 
Judgment Day, they felt, was imminent, 
but it took place a little while later. at 
the Ingham County Court House rather 
than at the pearly gates. We feel you 
should be able to cover your buns with 
whatever you choose, but Judge Thomas 
Brown nevertheless convicted the sisters 
of joy riding and indecent exposure. We 
figure there'll be an appeal. though— 
rumor has it they were grilled by the 
police. 


SLOW BURN 


In 1979, the town of Danville, Vir- 
ginia, was caught polluting the air with 


21 


PLAYBOY 


22 


а coabburning power plant. The EPA 
gave the town a choice: Either pay a stiff 
fine or sponsor a $10.000 study of the 
life of the loggerhead turtle. 

“This is the most asinine thing ever 
to come before the city!" the mayor de- 
clared before knuckling under and spon- 
soring the study. 

Now, a little more than two yeu 
later, the findings are in. The conclu 
sion? There probably are no loggerhead 
turtles in Virginia 

Today, the coal burning plant is shut 
down. The city now pays higher prices 
for its electricity. Still, the Danville city 
er insists that the entire chain of 
events was not in vain: “It enlightens 
our understanding of the Federal Gov- 
ernment process." 


s 


Last December's issue of Cruising 
World ran an item entitled “Hiscock Is 
Getting Excited,” which went on to say, 
“Although he’s generally imperturbable, 
Eric Hiscock . . . has trouble concealing 
his excitement as the detail work comes 
together on his Wanderer V." It’s a 
boat, he's a sailor and we defend his 
right to self-expression 


PLAYING CUPID. 


Mark Mitchell, a lonely Decatur, 
Michigan, man, went looking for love 
one Satu ight last summer in Chi- 


cago and the police had to intervene. 
When he saw the woman of his dreams, 
he shot at her with 
pened to be carrying with 
missed. big. Not only did the spear fail 
to snare the object of his affections, hut 
the object itself was а man dressed as a 
woman. We think it's better when both 
parties just let nature take its own course 
in айайт» of the heart. 


WHATS IN A NAME? 
n alleged drug pusher recently peti 
tioned the New York State Supreme 
Court for a temporary name change. He 
felt that his own name, Archie Outlaw, 
would “prejudice me in the eyes of the 
jury” when he went to trial. 

Outlaw wasn't fussy. He said he'd take 
any of the following names for the dura- 
tion of the trial: Reggie Jackson. 
Eleanor Roosevelt, Andrew Young, 
Archie Lawabiding—whatever 

Archie's argument was squelched by 
Assistant D.A. Ronald M. Neun 
produced a list of defendants who we 
tied without prejudice despite having 
names such as Bruce Bimbo, Anthony 
Oddman, Anthony Savage and even (ap 
parently no relation) Bernard J. Outlaw. 


1. who. 


GARBAGE AU GO-GO 

Music hath charms to move the Hefty 
bag. Thats what they're hoping in 
Johore, Malaysia, where garbage trucks 
roam the streets playing Lara's Theme, 


from the movie Doctor Zhivago. 

“We hope that every time the public 
hears the music, they will come out with 
their рага Razak Abdullah, 
municipal-council deputy president 

In America, many rock-n-roll acts 
have been soliciting that response in 
major arenas for years 

. 
members of the National 
nd Park Association know 
about cooking? Enough, it seems, to fill a 
new recipe book, Leisurely Cooking, 
compiled by a group of students and 
aculty at the University of South 
bama. Deborah L. Robinson of Br 
Texas, submitted her favorite appetize 
chopped onion, mayonnaise and parm 
san cheese on r own in better park 
circles as Hot Pu Pu. But don't stop 
there: Й you eat all your vegetables, you 
can have yellow snow for desert 
б 

We'd Prefer Just to Listen, Thanks: 
A line in the Oakland, Calilornia, Trib- 
une story about the San Francisco Opera 
Fair went: “If you long to rub dia 
phragms with the stars, then you ca 
attend the Opera Bingo extravaganza." 


CHECKING IN 


said 


What do 
Recreation 


Many people credit the most disgust- 
ing moments in cinema |o the sofi 
spoken film director John Waters. “Pink 
Flamingos,” his most famous work, fea- 
tured his overweight transvestite star, 
Divine, chowing down on dog poop. His 
last film, “Polyester,” brought together 
his leading lady and Tab Hunter—and 
pioneered Odorama: а ten-smell scratch- 
n'-sniff card that audiences use during 
Number two 


the movie. Waters tells us 
is number two.” We sent Scott Cohen 
to ask Waters some leading questions. 
pLayuoy: Of all the great films, which 
would you most like to remake? 

waters: Ice Castles—but. have the lead- 
ing lady be blind and skate into walls. 
I'd like to make the Grace Metalious 
story—the woman who wrote Peyton 
Place. She's one of my great idols. 


Rumor has it that she became rich and 
nous, divorced her husband, moved to 
Hollywood, bought a lot of Cadillacs 
and committed suicide. 

playboy: Many film makers go off to 
exotic places to make their movies, but 
all of your films are made in Baltimore. 
What inspires you about the city? 
WATERS: Just walk down the street. It's 
loaded with шпагі ger to make 
friends. People look different here th 
they do anywhere else. I sec people who 
are so shocking that I think, “God. what 
could their life be like?" "That's where І 
get my ideas. 

PLAYBOY: What is it about Baltimore 
that attracts these people 
waters: Maybe they were driving north 
or south and ran out of gas. The city 
has a special tolerance for eccentrics. 
Madalyn Murray is my all-time favorite 
Baltimore eccentric. She was the atheist 
who successfully pushed for the abolition 
of school pray: When I went to Cath- 
olic school, they used to tell us to go 
break her windows. She also had the 
nativity scene removed. from the state 
pitol on Christmas eve. But Frank 
Zappa is also from here. So is Spiro 
Agnew. 
PLAYBO! 
Divine? 

waters: He lived up the street from my 
parents’ home. My father used to take 
me to school and we'd see this person 
with different-color hair every day on the 
corner wi for the bus. My father 
would shudder. І knew І had to meet the 
person who made my father shudder. І 
met him through a girl living up the 
street who had a green beehive hairdo. 
PLAYBOY: Whom does Divine look more 
like, his mom or his dad? 

waters: A little of both. 

PLAyBoy: What does your father do: 
waters: He owns a fire-equipment- 
supply company. 

тілувот: Don't you have an uncle who 
was in Government? 

waters: He was the Undersecretary of 
the Interior for Nixon. 

PLAYBOY: Does he go to your movies? 
WATERS: No, but he read about Polyester 
and congratulated me. 

тлувоу: How did you get someone as 
wholesome as Tab Hunter to star ii 
Polyester? 

waters: І called him up and asked 
him. Luckily, he hadn't seen. my other 
films. І sent him the script, which he 
loved. He said, "Just let me wear bur- 
gundy polyester.” І said, “І have to tell 
you one thing: Your leading lady is a 
man." And he replied. "So what" He 
was brave to make the movie. Now І 
want Victor Mature. 

PLAYBOY: What are you trying to get out 
ol your audience with your outrageous- 
ness? 

waters: Nervous laughter. І ways 
trying to get people to laugh at things 


Is Baltimore where you met 


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PLAYBOY 


24 


Left, KAY YAK-HUGHES (distant kissing 
. Claims to have been raped by 
Н.Н. in Juneau, Alaska. “Не put Spanish 
flies in my Eskima Pie!” shrieked Ms. 
Yok in court. She further testified that the 
assault by the “big spender” 
to become frigid—a condition that can 
be corrected only by “big bucks” from 
the Hughes estate. 


Right, KABLOONA HUGHES (a.k.a. Suzi 
Q. Hughes). Cloims to be the “one-night 
bastard” of Kay Yak and H.H.—an asser- 
tion bitterly disputed by Ms, Yak ("She's 
по son of mine). Lawyers for Kabloona 
offered оз evidence the distinct “glacial 
resemblance” between the two. If suc- 
cessful in her bid, Kabloona plans to open 
an arctic chain of ice cream/mossage 
parlors “named after Dad.” 


Left, CLIFURD ERSATZ-HUGHES (disguise 
worn to protect his reputation). Claims ta 
be third nephew, via the recluse's second 
secret marriage to Hillary McGraw Ersatz 
(the ceremony was allegedly performed 
in а toll booth on the New Jersey Turn- 
pike). Under cross-examination, Ersatz 
confessed ta being the author of the 
book The Joy of Probate. 


Right, DEWEY “BABY FACE” HUGHES 
(alias Hughie Lou Hughes). This former 
child mobster, found abandoned in c 
Las Vegos slot machine, claims that in 
1962, he became the billionoire's “blood 
brother” by mail. 


THE HEIRS OF HOWARD HUGHES 


Almost 600 cousins to billionaire Howard Hughes are trying to get their share of his 
estate. Derek Pell-Hughes takes us on a selective tour of the least-known contenders. 


Above, UBU DADA HUGHES (witch 
doctor and ‘pataphysician). Claims his 
mother, Mama Limbo Moola Hughes, was 
supernaturally impregnated by "ihe big 
Spruce Goose” during a lewd voodoo 
ritual. “Мата call him Sugar Doddy,” 
grins Ubu, whe hopes his share of the 
estate will enable him to buy a shingle. 


Above, YENS AND EZRA HUGHES (5іс- 
mese heirs). Conflicting claims by these 
joint causins have resulted in a separate 
series of complex battles. Ezro is suing 
Yens for breach of peace, while Yens has 
filed a class action on behalf of himself 
end Ezra against Ezra, cloiming himself 
(Yens) ta be the only rightful heir. “Be- 
sides," says Yens, “І never saw this guy 
before in my life.“ Matters аге further 
complicated by the fact that both Ezra 
апа Yens аге being represented by the 


firm of Chang & Eng, Ltd. 


that in real life wouldn't be funny. In 
Polyester, І have а Halloween scene in 
which trick-or-treaters confront а wom- 
an who doesn't have any candy, so they 
shoot her. 

PLAYDOY: Do you think the mayor of 
Baltimore will ever give you the key to 
the city? 

WaTERs: He practically did when we 
made Polyester. He gave us cops, bus 
drivers, permits, everything. Гуе had 
dinner with him. He's very supportive 
and tells me to keep on making films in 
Baltimore. Не Baltimore's most visible 
resident—everyone but the most severely 
retarded knows who he is. I'd ask him to 
be in one of my movies, but I don't 
think he would. 

PLAYBOY: What, for you, is worse than 
suburbia? 
waters: Nothing. I'd rather be in prison 
At least in prison you might meet some 
interesting people. I grew up in suburbia 
PLAYBOY: Aren't you something of a 
trial buff? 

waters: І sit in on a lot of trials. The 
last one I went to involved a nurse who 
was accused of stuffing turds down a 
patient's throat. It didn’t kill the patient, 
but still. . . . When she got eight days 
in jail, she said, “For what?” Her excuse 
was that she had her period and her 
mother had done the same thing to her. 
rrAvnoy: Does it bother you when critics 
like your films? 

WATERS: Not at all. One critic said that 
if you see my name on the marquee, you 
should walk on the other side of the 
street and hold your nose. You can't get 
a much meaner review than that, so I 
decided I might as well make one that 
really smelled and that's how І thought 
ol using Odorama in Polyester 

rrAYBOY: What are your goals in life? 
waters: I wish someone would do my 
laundry. I'd also like a plain black Buick 
PLAYBOY: Who would you want to play 
you in your lile story? 

waters: Don Knotts. 

PLAYBOY: What tips would you offer 
someone who wanted to be in one of 
your movies? 

waters: Don't try to fuck me. If they 
have the kind of body that people 
wouldn't want to see naked, that's what 
I'm looking for 

PLAYBOY: What romantic qualities do 
you look for in someone? 

WATERS: Good-looking shoes. It's the first. 
thing I look at when І meet people. 
PLAYBOY: Where would you go on a 
dream date 
WaTeRs: Straight home. 
млувоу: What do you want for an 
ph? 

WATERS: Not THE SLEAZE KING. I'd like 
to have a funeral such as the one in 
Imitation of Life, with Mahalia Jackson 
singing and some simple inscription 
on my tombstonc—my name, when І was 
born and when І died. I'm a conservat: 
at heart. 


There are times | 
when only the best will do. 


"The Best In TheHouse"* 


6 Years ӨМ imported in Bottle trom Canada by Hiram Walker Importers Inc., Detroit, Mich, 86.8 Proof. Blended Canadian Whisky © 1982 


Italso has 
front-wheel drive. 


"The Honda Accord LX Hatchback has every- 
thing. Its luxuriously comfortable. It’s incredibly 
well engineered. 

Honda has been out in front with front-wheel 
drive for years. In fact, Honda has always been the 
only auto manufacturer to sell all of its cars in 
America with front-wheel drive and a transverse- 
mounted engine. 

Front-wheel drive gives excellent traction 
because the weight of the engine is over the driving 
wheels. You corner confidently. And the engine 
mounted sideways is easy to service. 

With front-wheel drive, there’s more interior 
space. As you can see, it has been used to beautiful 
advantage in the Accord LX. 

Everything you see is standard equipment. 
Including something you also feel. 

Airconditioning with new push-button controls 
and an improved ventilating system. 

One thing you hear is a warning chime that 
sounds when the halogen headlights are left on. 

Other features you'll sense are the smoother 
and quieter ride and better road handling. With 
Michelin steel-belted radial tires and variable-assist 
power steering. And ventilated front disc brakes. 
Again standard equipment. 

The Accord LX. It has quality engineering. It 
has luxury. It simply has all 
the comforts of ees mH|o|n| Dla! 

Wemake it simple. 


©1982 American Honda Motor Co.. Ine: 


28 


MOVIES 


ї is an interesting footnote to history 
[EN the Reagan years bring us such 
Icfushly liberabminded epics as Reds 
and. now, Missing (Universal). Not since 
the Oscar-winning Z. voted the Rest 
Foreign Film of 1969. has writer-director 
Costa-Gavras made a movie so likely to 
succeed. In English and co-starring Jack 
Lemmon and Sissy Spacek. this angry 
and powerful political thriller is a very 
personal true-life drama about the search 
for a naive young American, Charles 
Horman (sensitively played in flashbacks 
by John Shea), а would-be writer—just 
one of the expatriates who disappeared 
alter the rightist military coup against 
the Allende regime in Chile almost a 
decade Some names have been 
changed, though Missing specifically men- 
tions Henry Kissinger. It's about a time 
when shadowy engineers of Americ: 


ago. 


з 
foreign policy were condoning the perse- 
cution. torture or murder of any long- 
haired radical Yankee youth with the 
temerity to mouth off about U.S. inter- 
vention in Latin America. These аге 
blood brothers of the students who died 
at Kent State. The part Lemmon plays— 
his held-back emotion like a silent scream 
throughout—is that of a New York busi- 
nessman. Ed Horman, who sets out to 
find his wayward son and begins to un- 
derstand the boy better while battling 


the blank wall of a fascist Chilean 
bureaucracy upheld by American con- 
sular stooges. all masters of deceit. His 


partner in the search is Charles's dis- 
taught wife, а former flower child—a 
formidable portrayal by Spacek, 
guished but irreverent. stubbornly cou 
geous, quipping, “No shit. Sherlock,” in 
response to false promises and official 
evasions. She already knows that America 
during the Nixon era was a can of worms 
before anyone ever heard of Watergate. 
Filmed in Mexico, adapted by Costa- 
Gavras and Donald Stewart from facts 
set forth in a book by Thomas Hauser, 
the suspenseful story is pieced out in a 
controlled, cinematic manner that goes 
far beyond the documentary realism of 
earlier Costa-Gavras films. There's not 
much explicit violence. but Missing 
bounds in images that made my skin 
crawl with fear born of nightmarish an- 
archy: Sissy picking her way through 
empty streets at dusk, stepping into a 
pool of blood, then driven from her un- 
likely refuge in a shop full of gauzy 
bridal gowns: a terrified white horse 
galloping, dreamlike, through the town 
with an armored car full of militia close 
behind; a makeshift morgue with trans- 
lucent ceilings, where the unclaimed 
bodies on the floor above create a 
macabre decor. “What kind of world is 
this?” asks Lemmon. The answer comes, 
usually. in a burst of distant gunfire. 


an- 


Spacek, Lemmon terrific in Missing. 


Missing's disturbing, 
Moon provocative, 
Evil gilded trash. 


Keaton, Finney Shoot the Moon. 


Smith, Ustinov Under the Sun. 


There are some shocking scenes here, 
brilliantly acted by Lemmon and Spacek 
as well as by David Clennon, Melanie 
Mayron, Janice Rule and Charles Cioffi 
as various U.S. friends or foes. The 
movies message—that we, as a nation, 


are more like mercenaries and marauders 
than innocents abroad—is hardly new. 
But Missing restates it with particularly 
stinging eloquence. ¥¥¥ 

. 


Some quicksilver emotional chemistry 
between Diane Keaton and Albert Fin 
ney gives momentum to Shoot the Moon 
(MGM), a provocative battle of the sexes 
that’s likely to set off heated debate as to 
who's right, who's wrong, who's going 
to win at the finish. An intelligent, 
warm-blooded screenplay by Bo Gold- 
man (whose major credits include The 
Rose and the Oscar-winning One Flew 
over the Cuckoo's Nest) is another asset. 
"There's something here to seize and hold 
virtually anyone who's ever been in 
volved in grown-up marital mud wres- 
tling. Keaton and Finney play a modern 
California couple with four young 
daughters, the eldest of whom (Dana 
Hill, a dandy young actress) is hit hard 
est when her father splits. The couple's 
relationship hits bottom just as he's 
achieving his first huge success as a writ- 
ст. Daddy moves away to live with his 
girlfriend (Karen Allen) while Mom, 
alter the initial shock, finds solace with 
a healthy young stud (Peter Weller) 
who comes to their handsome country 
house to build a tennis court. What hap- 
pens to the kids is a large part of Shoot 
the Moon (that’s an expression. boi 
rowed, with somewhat obvious symbol- 
ism, from the card game hearts). My 
own enjoyment was heightened mostly 
by watching Keaton, especially when 
she's given something slightly stale to 
say, such as, “You helped me grow into 

woman. .. . You made me laugh. 
George." Most of the dialog is far better, 
but Diane pulls back from a clinker so 
fast, you believe she's genuinely embar- 
rassed by the feelings that make her talk 
that way. 

Despite the over-all impact of Moon, 
director Alan (Midnight Express) Parker 
sometimes brings heaviness to a scene 
that you wish to God he would finesse. 
Cuing in an old song like Don't Blame 
Me on the sound track, for instance. 
doesn't really add much to а gritty but 
delicate story of divorce. Yet watching 
a marriage ро to pieces is like being 
at the scene of an accident where every- 
one gets hurt. To increase that morbid 
fascination, it’s reported that at least 
three different endings of Shoot the 
Moon were filmed belore Parker settled 
on the one most likely to start you argu 
ing with your date or mate on the way 
home. ¥¥¥ 


б 

Evil Under the Sun (Universal) teams 
Peter Ustinov, as Hercule Poirot. with 
Maggie Smith, Diana Rigg, James Mason, 
Sylvia Miles, Colin Blakely, Roddy 


Stolichnaya 
The Vodka 


чей изин 


DEFORE ORINKINO 


si TOLICHNAA VODKA: as мороз авва нот gan. 
ap ported by Mons es 


PLAYBOY 


30 


McDowall and Jane Birkin in more all- 
star Agatha Christie horseplay about 
homicide. There's very little plot to 
thicken, but the settings аге pretty— 
е at a luxury resort hotel on an 
island in the Adriatic back in 1938—and 
Anthony (Sleuth) Shaffer's screenplay 
ollers numerous bright asides and with 
cring barbs for the wits in residence 
While director Guy Hamilton pretends 
to take some of this seriously, Ustinov's 
smirk lets the audience in on the joke. 
Smith and Rigg, playing gloriously ac 
tressy bitches of the sort who'd flick ashes 
onto a rival's mink, get the best mate- 
rial and make ultralight of it. I had a 
good time, but ГЇЇ admit to a weakness 
for such gilded trash. ¥¥¥% 
E 

A character named Pee Wee (Dan 
Monahan) wakes up and measures his 
morning erection. That's for openers, 
alter which Porky's (20th Century-Fox) 
proceeds to such jokes as . . . well, a high 
school clown has a giant condom pulled 
over his head, and there's redneck rep- 
artee on the order of. “It's a long ride 
home with a hardon.” Raunchier than 
Animal House and so loaded with cheap 
laughs that you'll hate yourself when you 
stop sniggering. Porky's exploits teen- 
aged sex back in the Fifties. It’s sleaze 
with expertise and just misses being 
totally objectionable by putting its low. 
humor in the mouths of attractive, clean- 
cut babes and boys like Monahan, Kaki 
Hunter, Mark Herrier, Kim Cattrall, 
Tony Ganios and Scott Colomby. You 
may also note Alex Karras as а Florida 
sheriff and his talented missus, Susan 
Clark, obviously slumming in a peculiar 
minor role as a prostitute named Cherry 
Forever. Writer-director Bob Clark. (no 
relation to Susan) made Porky's with no 
higher aim than to make money and 
will probably make a pile with this 
crotch-level salute to horny adolescence, 
which takes its title from a local den of 
iniquity ("Get іг... at Porky's”) where 
the flower of Southern youth pays to be 
plucked. ¥¥ 


б 

Made several years ago but mot dis- 
wibuted here until Australian films be- 
gan to click commercially, The Devil's 
Playground (IFEX /EMC) is a minor, dark- 
ly funny but rather surprising and poign- 
ant movie about sex—or the lack of it— 
in a Catholic boys’ school during the 
Fifties. Writer-director Fred Schepisi fixes 
his attention and ours оп а 13-year-old 
seminarian (Simon Burke) who's a bed 
wetter and has a more or less perpetual 
erection to trouble his conscience. “An 
undisciplined mind is the Devil's play- 
ground," warn the priests. They offer 
little help, for most of them either drink 
too much or dream too much or sneak 
into town to flirt with carnal. pleasures. 
One holy brother (Arthur Dignam) often 
wakes up in a sweat, imagining himself 


Porky's: Meanwhile, back at the raunch. 


Sex education, silly 
and serious; a 
moldy Swamp Thing. 


Dignam bedeviled in Playground, 


Adrienne Swamped. 


naked in a swimming pool full of volup- 


tuous naiads, Another elderly, 


priest lifts his glass and grumbles, * 
wrong with masturbation, апуу 


tipsy 
Аас 
? For 


years І fought against it... all you learn 
15 to hate your body." The Church's as- 
siduous efforts to stamp out or suppress 
as “unnatural” every sign of the sap 
rising in healthy young males become 
terminally stupid, the way Schepisi tells 
it. This is an environment so rigid that 
lads are required to wear shorts while 
they shower, lest they enjoy lookmg at 
themselves. More than half a world away 
from the juvenile japery of Porky's, 
which covers similar ground nonsensi- 
cally, Schepisís single-minded essay is 
compassionate, tragic and liberating. ¥¥¥ 
P 
For the zillionth time in a s-f shocker, 
somcone asks, "What if it falls into the 
wrong hands?" "It," in this instance, is 
а young scientist's top-secret formula for 
stimulating plant growth. The wrong 
hands turn out to be those of Louis 
Jourdan, who, in Swamp Thing (Embassy), 
transforms the hero into a creature re- 
sembling a not-so-jolly Green Giant with 
a crush on lush Adrienne Barbeau. 
Adapted by writer-director Wes Craven 
from a celebrated DC Comics book of 
the same title. this bottom-oF-bill malar- 
key gives me dark second thoughts about 
people who insist you've got to “talk to 
your plants." Nah. Stay home and talk 
to each other, folks. Send your philoden- 
dron to the movie. Y 
D 
Ruthless, ballsy and bristling as Ed- 
ward G. Robinson in the good old days 
when he was making such films as Little 
Caesar, Bob Hoskins plays the criminal 
kingpin of contemporary London in The 
Long Good Fridey (Embassy), an English 
gangster movie that’s a grabber from 
beginning to end. Some of the lowlife 
dialects may trouble U. 5. audiences, but 
they'll understand Hoskins well enough. 
no matter ‘ow “е goes at ‘is bloody lines 
He's a stocky, street-smart actor who had 
the leading role (Steve Martin's part) in 
the original BBC-TV production of Pen- 
nies from Heaven. Here, he's a crook who 
believes he owns London—a gambling 
ino, an exclusive pub, fingers in every 
pie, plus a scheme afoot to redevelop the 
city’s ramshackle dock area—until one 
fateful Good Friday that turns out to 
be his bad day at Black Rock. Two of his 
top aides are murdered for reasons he 
cannot fathom. А roundup of all his sur- 
viving rivals and associates, trussed up- 
side down on hooks in a slaughterhouse, 
is just one of the scenes that give Long 
Good Friday its animus апа fierce vital- 
ity. Barrie Kecffe's screenplay, directed 
by John. Mackenzie, provides fascinating 
glimpses of the London 
while edging, bit by bit, into the dynam- 
ics of a tale about bungling mobsters who 
have inadvertently triggered a gang war 
with fanatic LR.A. terrorists, To support 
Hoskins, there's Helen Mirren, a Royal 


underworld 


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Another perfect example of Technics technology is our 


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PLAYBOY 


32 


. Gilbeys idea of a gin and tonic: 
Taste the gin, too. 


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Shakespeare Company actress, as the 
most intelligent and convincing gang- 
ster's moll in a long time; Derek Thomp- 
son as a sleazy side-kick and Eddie 
Constantine—the definitive American 
Mobster in countless French films—doing 
his thing and brushing up his English 
as a Family rep from New Jersey. All in 
all, this crime thriller can bold its own 
with any of our home-grown classics. ¥¥¥ 
Jamie Lee Curtis once again por- 
s a plucky young woman as an 
endangered species іп Read Gomes (Em- 
bassy). She's an American heiress hitch- 
hiking across the treeless western plains 
of Australia, catching a ride with Stacy 
Keach, who's a truck driver on long 
hauls down under. Don't ask why. 
Probably because someone raised the 
money to shoot a movie in Australia, 
this one а rough-edged, well-acted, im- 
plausible but. picturesque thriller about 

psychopath who lures easy girls to 
motels апа dismembers them. Keach’s 
big semi is carrying a load of refriger- 
cd pork to Perth, so you can see the 
grisly possibilities. Road Games explores 
them all, with medium impact. ¥¥ 

е 

After a successful rum as a stage 
musical in Los Angeles in 1978. Zeot Suit 
(Universal) flopped on Broadway. The 
movie version has two dynamic perform- 
ances—by Daniel Valdez, as one of sev- 
eral chicanos unjustly convicted of 
murder in a famous case of the carly 
Forties, and by Edward nes Olmos, as 
his omnipresent alter ego. El Pachuco. 
Both obviously know their stuff and play 
it with sizzling conviction. Otherwise, 
Zoot Suit is semipro cinema, illustrating 
how a substantial hit can be sabotaged 
through ineptitude. Shots of а rapt 
theater audience applauding on cue 
alternate with poorly shot musical num- 
bers and heavy-handed social drama 
until a mere moviegoer out for а good 
time doesn't know where he's at but 
winds up wishing he were almost any- 
where else. ¥ 


E 

Bernadette Peters and Andy Kauf- 
man impersonate runaway robots named 
Aqua and V Heartbeeps (Universal). 
a spacy futuristic comedy that's as 


rious as a faulty heat shield. A team 
med 


hi 
of purely mechanical gag robots n 
Phil and Catskil—the latter spewing 
sexist jokes in the manner of a com- 
puterized lounge act from Vegas—pro- 

еа 


air sample of the stu 
sensibility at work. Though Heartbeeps 
is not their baby, the creators of RD 
have a lot to answer for if they've be- 
gotten a whole race of foolish, futuristic 
little Phils, buzzing about like junk 
sculpture with a bad case of the cutes. 
All in all, you'll have much more fun 
playing kick the can. ¥ 

—REVIEWS BY BRUCE WILLIAMSON 


vide a 


Introducing the Yamaha Maxims. 


The MaximSeries. 


Introducing the maximum Maxim. 
dthe minimum Maxim. 


With the addition of the new 1100 and 
400 models you see here, the Maxims now 
come in a bigger choice of sizes. 

Small. Medium. Large. 

And huge. 

The Eleven is our most powerful proof 
that a Maxim, even at its biggest, is still 
remarkably lean, low and lightweight. 

Its awesome ПОІсс engine not only 
looks lean and measures lean. It even runs 
lean. Our patented Yamaha Induction 
Control System (YICS) makes for more 
complete burning, more power per stroke 
and more miles per gallon. All without 


adding a single moving part. 

The frame configuration is specially 
designed to give the Eleven all the support 
itneeds, without all the bulk it doesn't 
need. So you get both a comfortably low 
seat height and low center of gravity with- 
out sacrificing ground clearance. Not to 
mention hairpin-hugging banking angles 
some smaller cc bikes can't match. 

То transfer all that brute horsepower 
to the pavement most efficiently, theres a 
fully enclosed, direct-coupling shaft drive. 
And to bring it all to a smooth, steady halt, 
our innovative unified braking system 


automatically activates both the front and 
rear brake at the touch 


of the foot pedal. 
Add to that a 
Computer Monitor 
System with an LCD 
readout that reports I 
vital engine functions mal 
М 


and fluid levels; 6-way 


4 


adjustable, cast alloy handlebars; air- 
adjustable front forks and rear shocks; and 
abig, sleek tank, and you've got yourself 
the biggest Maxim money can buy 

Which brings usto the smallest Maxim 
money can buy. 

The 400. Proof that size has nothing to 
do with how much of a Maxim you get. 

Its perfectly proportioned so it looks 
for all the world like the other mid-size 
Maxims: classic, aggressive, distinctive. 
And its been carefully engineered to weigh 
less, cost less and consume less, all without 
being any less of a Maxim. 

Measuring mere millimeters wider 
than a single, its brand new DOHC, twin 
cylinder engine delivers the highest horse- 
power output of any twin in its class. 

A counter-rotating balancer makes it 
almost as smooth as a four. 

And while YICS evens out irregularities 
in the air/fuel mixture, our Monoshock 
suspension system evens out irregularities 
in the road. 

All of which gives the new 400 all the 
speed, handling, and good looks that make 
a Maxim a Maxim. 

Andalong with our 550, 650, 750 and 
1100 models, it makes choosing a Maxim 
e times easier. 

Or five times harder. 


Two ways to sho 


The first time you take your Maxim And theyre not far from wrong. 
550 or 650 for a spin around the block, you Because on the other side of that crank- 
may get the feeling the traffic lights have саѕе cover you'll find little extras that make 
been moved alittle closer together. a huge difference in overall performance. 
But then, you are riding one of the Like Transistor Controlled Ignition (TCI, 
fastest production motorcycles ever to ч for short). Instead of using 
chase a white line down the street. | mechanical breaker points, it 
Both our chain-driven X produces a hotter, more consis- 
550 and shaft-driven 650 tent spark electronically. 
have made such short і : Then theres our exclusive 
workofthequarter-mile, E ; Yamaha Induction Control 
race officials still E 3 System (YICS). Using a 
suspect theres an extra цё" p series of sub-intake ports, 
hundred ccs stashed З 4 YICS literally blasts the air/ 
somewhere between the fuel mixture around the 
tank and tailpipes. combustion chamber. So you 
get more complete burn- 
b ing,and enough added 


rten acity block. 


horsepower per stroke to account fora 650 , tradition by mounting the AC generator 
that canturna12.6 second quarter-mile. (en ) onthe crankcase behind the cylinders. 
Not to mention a 550 that goes any incorporating the middle 
like most 650s. Or 7505, (C „£ ) gear case into the transmis- 
for that matter. Y (sion housing. So all that 

Of course, a twist of the SAN jy stands between you and a47 
throttle isn't all these ) WAG degree banking angle, is nerve. 
Maxims respond to. Take athe X 5 And as if that werent 
of them into a turn, and youll ` enoughto improve your circulation, 
begin to appreciate another aspect ofth there’ that sleek, integrated styling. And 
extraordinary performance: the kind of all the long, envious looks that go with it. 
handling that makes straightening a curve Because on a Maxim, one of the first 
in the road as effortless as shortening it. things you'll notice is that you get noticed 

Handling that results from the lowest ^ like you've never been noticed before. 
possible center of gravity. And narrowness The 1982 Maxim 550 and Maxim 650. 
that results from our anything-but-narrow- Be the first on your block to own one. 
minded approach to engine design. 

On the 650, for example, we broke 


ENGINE 
Type — 4Stroke, DOHC, Four 
Displacement. Ll0lcc 
Bore and Stroke  7L5x68.6mm. 
Compression Ratio 90:1 
Maximum Torque 6515 


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CHASSIS 

Overall Length 88.6°(2,250mm) Front 
Overall Width — 34.3"(B70mm) Rear 
Overall Height 47.0"(1,195mm) Tires 
Wheelbase — 608'(L545mm) Front 
Ground Clearance 6.1"(155mm) Rear 


(9.0kg-m) @ 6,500rpm Seat Height — 30.l"(765mm) Coloring 
Carburetion Four Mikuni BS34 Dry Weight ^ 566lbs(257kg) 
Ignition Transistor Controlled Fuel Tank Capacity 5.0gals(19) 
Starting Electric Suspension 
Lubrication Wet Sump Front Telescopic Fork with 
Oil Capacity 4.245400 Equalized Air and 
Transmission Б. Speed Adjustable Damping 

Rear Equalized Air with 
Adjustable Damping 
ENGINE OilCapacity S.7qts(3.5D Brakes 
‘Type 4-Stroke, DOHC, Four Transmission SSpeed Front 
Displacement. 748c CHASSIS Rear 
BoreandStroke — 65x56.4mm Overall Length 84.4"(2, 145mm) Tires 
Compression Ratio 92:1 Overall Width — 327'(830mm) Front 
Maximum Torque — 45.6ftlbs Overall Height 46.3°(1,175mm) Rear 

(6.3kg-m) @7,500rpm Wheelbase — 569"(L445mm) Coloring 

Carburetion ‘our Hitachi Ground Clearance 5.3°(135mm) 
HSC32 Seat Height — 30.7"780mm) 
Ignition Transistor Controlled Dry Weight _485Ibs(220kg) 
Starting Electric Fuel Tank Capacity 4.5gals(170) 
Lubrication Wet Sump Suspension 
Front Telescopic Fork with 
Equalized Air 
Rear Adjustable Damping 
ENGINE CHASSIS Brakes 
Type  4-Stroke, DOHC, Four Overall Length 85.2"(2,165mm) Front 
Displacement 653cc Overall Width — 33.7%(855mm) ^ Rear 
Bore and Stroke 63.0x52.4mm Overall Height 46.1"(1,170mm) Tires 
Compression Ratio 921 Wheelbase  56.97(1,445mm) Front 
Maximum Torque _ 38.3ftlbs Ground Clearance 5.7"(145mm) Rear 
(5.3kg-m) @ 7,500rpm Seat Height — 303"(770mm) Coloring 
Carburetion Four Hitachi Dry Weight  4471bs(203kg) 
HSC32 Fuel Tank Capacity  3.4gals 
Ignition ‘Transistor Controlled (13.0) 
Starting Electric Suspension 
Lubrication Wet Front Air-Adjustable 
Oil Capacity 3790535) Telescopic Fork 
Transmission Speed — Rear Swingarm 
ENGIN ‘Transmission GSpeed Brakes 
Type — 4-Stroke, DOHC, Four CHASSIS Front 
Displacement 528cc Overall Length 84.4"(2,145mm) _ Rear 
Bore and Stroke 57.0x51.8mm Overall Width — 34.1"(865mm) Tires 
Compression Ratio 95:1 Overall Height 45.9°(1,165mm) Front 
Maximum Torque _ SLBftlbs Wheelbase ^ 55.9'(l20mm) Rear 

(4.4kg-m) @ 7,5 Ground Clearance 6.3°(160mm) Coloring 
Carburetion Four Mikuni BS28 Seat Height  29.9"(760mm) 
Ignition Transistor Controlled Dry Weight  407lbs(185kg) 
Starting Electric Fuel Tank Capacity 34gals 
Lubrication Wet Sump (1300 
Oil Capacity 3141529) Suspension 

Front ‘Telescopic Fork 

Rear Swingarm 
ENGINE Oil Capacity 3.09t(2.8) Brakes 
Type — 4Stroke, DOHC, Twin Transmission 5Speed Front 
Displacement 3990c CHASSIS Rear 
Bore and Stroke 69.0x53.4mm Overall Length 82.7"(2,100mm) Tires 
Compression Ratio 95:1 Overall Width  34.1"(865mm) Front 
Maximum Torque — 23.1ftlb Overall Height 45.7%(1,160mm) Rear 

(3.19kg-m) @ 8,000rpm Seat Height — 30.3'(7/0mm) Coloring 
Carburetion Mikuni BS34 Wheelbase — 539"(,370mm) 

Ignition ‘Transistor Controlled Dry Weight 3721b(169kg) 

Starting Electric Fuel Tank Capacity 3968215 

Lubrication Wet Sump 5) 
Suspension. 

Front ‘Telescopic Fork 

Rear Monoshock 


THE WAY IT SHOULD BE 


Specifications are subject to change without notice. Always wear a helmet and eye protection. Rear view mirrors standard equipment. 


Dual Slotted Discs. 
Single Slotted Disc 


3.50H-19 
130/90-16 67H 
New Yamaha Black. 
New Ruby Red 


Dual Slotted Discs. 
Drum 


Single Disc. 
Drum 


3.25H-19 
130/90-16 67H 
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3.25H-19 
130/90-16 67H 
Star Silver 
Black Blue 


Single Disc 
Drum 


3,0019 
130/9016 

New Yamaha Black 
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MOVIE SCORE CARD 


capsule close-ups of current films 
by bruce williamson 


Butterfly Pia Zadora meets Stacy 
Keach, ng Cain LE] 
Choriots of Fire Runners running in 
awesome English drama about the 
1921 Olympics. wy 

The Devil's Playground (Reviewed this 
month) The birds and bees and sexy 
seminarians. yyy 

Diva Offbeat French thriller about 
tape-recorded voice and vice. — YYY 

Evil Under the Sun (Reviewed this 
month) Comic Christie. уун 
Heartheops (Reviewed this month) 
Recommend a bypass. Y 
The Long Good Fridey (Reviewed this 
month) Gangsters rile LR.A. terror- 
ists in London town. yyy 
Man of fron Solid Polish drama 
about the recent good old days of 
hope and Solidarity. yyy 
Missing (Reviewed this month) 
Chilean politics, piping hot. — ¥¥¥% 
Night Crossing Balloonists bolt from 


East Germany. wy 
On Golden Pond A geriatric tearjerker 
saved by Hank Fonda. ww 


Pennies from Heaven Steve Martin 
with Bernadette Peters in a bold, 
beguiling Depression musical ¥¥¥ 

Porky's (Reviewed this month) Teen 
sex down South. yy 
Prince of the City Crooked cops tattled 
on by Treat Williams. УУУ 

Rogtime Тһе Е. І. Doctorow best 
seller gorgeously filmed by Milos 
Forman, with grand cast. vyyy 

Reds Warren Beatty and Diane 
Keaton as a man and a woman whose 
main problem seems to be the Rus- 
sian Revolution. yyy 
Road Games (Reviewed this month) 
Jamie Lee in jeopardy. E 
Sharky’s Machine Laur 
with Burt Reynolds as a hoi 
in love with a wonderful hooker 
(Rachel Ward). yyy 

Shoot the Moon (Reviewed this 
month) Diane and divorce. yyy 

Swamp Thing (Reviewed this month) 
Green, gross and fond of Adrienne 
Barbeau. Y 

They All Laughed Lightweight New 
York comedy by Peter Bogdanovich. 
Star-studded. yy 

Ticket to Heaven Powerful drama 
about deprogramming a Moonstruck 
youth (Nick Mancuso). vvv 

Whose Life Is It Anyway? Its Drey- 
fuss picture, and better than the 
play. УУУУ 

Zoot Suit (Reviewed this month) 
Worse than the play with music, 
which died on Broadway. Y 


¥¥¥¥ Don't miss УУ Worth a look 
¥¥¥ Good show ¥ Forget it 


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33 


4 


COUPLE OF WISE GUYS: ds lead 
singer/leaper of The J. Geils Band, 
Peter Wolf, with band members Geils, Seth 
Justman, Magic Dick, Danny Klein and 
Stephen Bladd, has been inflicting his 
kinetic brand of musical mayhem on rock 
audiences for more than a decade. When 
Ed Naha tracked Wolf down, the band 
was beginning a nationwide tour to pro- 
mole ils LP “Freeze-Frame.” Naha ush- 
ered the lone Wolf into a New York 
restaurant for a chat, 
PLAYBOY: You'ye just come off a tour 
with The Rolling Stones and- 
wor: зісу! This is a really good idea! 
If you want a great seat in a restaurant, 
just walk in with a tape recorder under 
your arm. “Hello. I'm from the press. 
We're going to do a veddy important 
interview. May we have the best table 
in the house? Oh, thank you ever so 
much." Wotta great scam! I've got to 
remember this. 
praynoy: Uh, yeah. Are the Stones the 
greatest rock-'n’-roll band in the world? 
моц: They're sure up there. 
PLAYBOY: How did you get the reputa- 
tion of being a madman onstage? 
мош: By drinking a lot of milk. I also 
take a lot of lycium. It's a secret new 
amino add that's good for all sorts of 
things, but one of its drawbacks is that 
it causes a dissociation with the mind 
and the spirit that tends to cause a mis- 
handling of one’s own properties and, 
of course, organs. 
PLAYBOY: What's the weirdest thing 
you've ever done onstage? 
wotr: Think about what I was doing. 
PLAYBOY: Why do you jump so high on- 
stage? 
woe: I try to get to the other side. 
PLAYBOY: Why do you wear sunglasses 
onstage? 
wotr: Some wise man once told me: 
"Wolf! Don't let those bright lights go 
to your head!” 
PLAYBOY: Does constant touring make 
you crazy? 
опе: Not really. Once you realize it's 
what you want to do and come to terms 
with why you want to do it, touring can 
be one of the greatest adventures of all 
times. It also be one of the most 
boring and arduous experiences in the 
world, filled with bad salads and noisy 
rooms. 
PLAYBOY: What kind of person are you 
offstage? 
жопе: Vertical. I'm а vertical guy in а 
horizontal world double-parked on 
the highway of life. 
вілувоу: Do pcople assume you're a 
real tough guy offstage? 
worr: Oh, yeah. Whenever we come off- 
stage, women want to arm wrestle me. 
PLAYBOY: Is it difficult meeting women 
while on tour? 


WOLF: Basically, it boils down to living 
single and drinking doubles. 

PLAYBOY: Do you consider yourself an 
“up” person or a morose person? 

wor: Definitely a morose person with 
a really up attitude. 

PLAYBOY: Can white men e the blues? 
моц: They sure can. Today, with the 
way the world’s economy is shaping up, 
I think everybody is capable of singing 
the blues. 

ү: What is it that’s held The J. 
Geils Band together for 15 years? 

worr: The truth is, we're all really 
maniacal about music. We feel that we're 
just getting pur feet wet. We're all still 
students in the College of Musical 
Knowledge, not to be confused with the 
University of Perversity. We still want 
to learn. 

PLAYBOY: Since J. Geils is a pretty much 
larger-than-life performance band, why 
haven't you ever done a film? 

worr: Bad complexions. We break out 
too much. We actually made a documen- 
tary once. But, hell, most concert films 
are so boring. First, you see the hall 
filling up. Then, you sce the stage being 
assembled. Plugs are put into sockets. 
Then, the band tunes up backstage. 
Twang. Twang. Twang. Hec. Hec. Let's 
have a beer. OK. Then, cut to: "Ladies 
and gentlemen. The J. Geils Band!" We 
all come running out. Yaaaay. Those 
are boring. 

PLAYBOY: How isa J. Geils song written? 
Seth Justman has the creative 
nd then, I plagiarize. 

PLAYBOY: Do you ever sit down and try 
to write hits? 

моге: We don't think about whether а 
song will be a commercial success or not. 
It's basically a matter of “Hey! Let's get 
excited. Let's get it hard.” 

PLAYBOY: A lot of your songs—Love 
Stinks, for example—are bitter. Do you 
guys hate women? 


Naaah. Some of my best friends 
are women. І really think it's just the 
opposite. I think that relationships are 
really important to us The drive to 
keep relationships together is what makes 
life so hard. That's what causes the pain. 
It would be a lot casier for a guy to go 
through life saying, "I hate women,” or 
“1 hate being in love." Then all you'd 
have to worry about would be yourself. 
PLAYBOY: What's the typical J. Geils fan 
like? 

woLE: Oh, you know. You always sce him 
on the street. Newspaper folded neatly 
under the arm. Brown corduroy pants 
about two inches above the tops of his 
shoes. Neat. Responsible. Committed to 
the ideals of a world of peace and har- 
mony. A-heh-heh-hch. 


BAD BOY MAKES GOOD: Conlvibut- 
ing Editor David Rensin met with 
singer [songwriter Warren Zevon while he 
was recording his newest album, a 
mostly uptempo collection, “The En- 
voy.” He was, well, happy. While Zevon 
had spent a few good years battling a 
nasty booze habit, his biggest problem 
just then was adjusting to soft contact 
lenses. He credited his wife-to-be, actress 
Kim (“Knots Landing”) Lankford, with 
his current bliss. 


rıaynoY: How come you were an alco- 
holic? 

zevon: Boredom. You don't know you're 
not stimulated if you're drunk. That's 
the other side of doing wild and crazy 
things that make good copy. You act 
ly watch game shows for seven years 
without guilt because all the while you've 
had a guitar in your lap. 

PLAYBOY: Now you're in love. What's 
ike? 

: It takes a lot of nerve to say 
ppy” to a roomful of people who 
are still working on finding Ken and 
Barbie. But if love fell through—though 
it's about the worst thing I can think of 
happening—1 know at this point that I 
wouldn't drink myself to death; Га sur- 
vive. 

vrAynoy- Tell us about The Envoy. 
zevon: Fm trying to communicate the 
importance of survival. Hemingway told 


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PLAYBOY 


36 


Fitzgerald that the first thing a writer 
must do is last. The Envoy is my first 
ting. Of course, it should 
as an entertaining 
album, too. The Envoy is basically part 
of my fantasies from whatever Ian Flem- 
ing novel you choose. He's got to beat 
Le Chiffre at baccarat . . . but he's ulti- 
mately a sophisticated messenger, which 
is what a songwriter should be. 


PLAYBOY: So you're the envoy? 
ZEVON: In the movie version, of course. 
rrAYnov: It doesn’t sound like the typi- 
cal studio album. 


of recording. It's se 3 
ing. Ain't That Prelly at All [a throw- 
yourself-against-the-wall allegory about 
self-inflicted damage—Ed.] is done that 
way. 

PLAYBOY: You wrote a song with novelist 
"Tom McGuane. 

ZEVON: The Overdraft. Tom didn't think 
he could do it. He was very shy about 
songwriting. I guaranteed him that it 
was no problem. 

PLAYBOY: Do you write "thinking-man's 


zevon: I don't think ап entertain 
should take the superior attitude that 
may be a little too bright to play 
outside New York or Los Angeles." І 
started out hoping there would be some- 
one who wanted to hear me. 

PLAYBOY: What's next? 

zevon: The biggest thing is my sympho- 
ny. ГЇЇ want it to be performed before 
recording it to see if the audience will 
sit in their chairs. But next, ГІ proba- 
bly work on a project with McGuane. 
PLAYBOY: What's that? 

zevon: Just for the sake of the excite- 
ment, let's keep it а secret. 

PLAYBOY: And just for the record: What 
is it with you and guns? 

куох: І took up shooting at a police 
range when I dried out because I figured 
two things I couldn't do as a drinker 
were drive and shoot. It turns out I'm 
real good at it And for some reason, 
it's 44 Magnums that І shoot best. I 
think it’s from playing Lucille all 
these years. The recoil is sort of satisfying 
and it's a good release. It's nice to have 
a target 


REVIEWS 


Carl Jefferson's noble effort to produce 
jazz recordings that endure has made his 
label, Concord Jazz, eminent. He's court- 
ed a wide range of musicians, from well- 
known to obscure, and given them 
studio time to play as they play in the 
real world. It's a setting free of preten- 
sion, hype and eccentricity. In a recent 
Concord release, there are three discs 
by guitarists, no two alike. Emily Remler, 
on Firefly, demonstrates that a young mu- 
sician (she's 24), backed by а sinewy 
rhythm section (with Hank Jones on 
piano) need not sound derivative or 


naive. Her playing is moody and cco- 
nomical on a variety of tunes, including 
a gorgeous ballad by Antonio Carlos 
Jobim, Look to the Sky. Cal Collins and 
oustic guitar are alone on Cress 
Country, а set that includes such diverse 
mate ms lovely 1 
Can't Help It, Autumn in New York 
and My Gal Sal. Collins’ playing blends 
jazz and country (very hip country) in a 
witty, laid-back way. Jellybeans, on the 
other hand, is a sample of the forceful 
master at work—Barncy Kessel. Joined 
by bassist Bob Maize and d 
mie Smith, Kessel—who’s been at it since 
the Forties—i: much in command as 
ever. His work is smooth, effortless, soar- 
ing; when he plays Shiny Stockings, he 
can sound like Count Basie’s band and 
its soloists. 


James “Blood” Ulmer’s Free Lancing 
(Columbia) continues where Jimi Hen- 
drix left off—with a jubilant, wrong-is- 
right music in which sounds are as 


important as notes; Ulmer has invented 
a searing, convoluted guitar language of 
slurs, drones and stutters that makes 
other fusion music sound rhythmically 
naive. By synthesizing the folkloric 
power of Delta blues with heavy-metal 
textures and free jazz's tribal spacincss, 
Ulmer has perfected a new wave of big 
beat that'll keep you dancing long after 
the music stops. 


. 

Chas Jankel has been there before, as 
writer of Quincy Jones's hit Ai No Corri 
da and almost all of lan Dury's classics, 
including Sex & Drugs & Rock & Roll 
and Hit Me with Your Rhythm Stick 
With Questionnaire (АКМ), he steps out 
on his own and slams us with a great 
mainstream rock album. Hit number 
one is Glad to Know You, then 109, 
then Now You're Dancing and on and 
on. His combination of funk, rock and 
azz and his refusal to fear the unknown 
allow the music listener to listen, the 
dancer to dance and almost every disc 
jockey to play it. 


. 
It takes a lot of rock 'n' roll in the 
soul for a man in his mid-40s who hasn't 


had a hit in 15 years to come up with 
an album that sounds contemporary 
Chubby Checker has done it with тве 
Change Has Come (MCA). With 7-52, his 
new version of The Twist, transformed 
from wimp rock to raunchy, we may 
soon see Western Civilization as we know 
it, orange hair and all, twistin’ the night 
away. 


D 

Back when Al Green was at the height 
of his status as a matinee idol, throwing 
roses to the ladies and what not, he told 
PLAYBOY writer that he regretted break- 
ing up his old family Gospel group. The 
r said, "You have only one shot at 
aking this money”; Green replied, 
"You have only one shot at going to 
heaven. 

Since then, Green has bought himself 
a church in Memphis, become the Rev 
erend Al Green and forsaken pop music 
for Gospel. Its taken him a couple of 
LPs to get the hang of it, but on Higher 
Plane (Myrrh), he gets a sound as big, 
smooth and funky as he ever got on his 
secular recordings—some of the grooves 
are even reminiscent of Love and Happi- 
ness, Green's biggest soul hit. The mu 
with its own tale of renewed life, rein- 
forces the message and gives C 
perfect setting in which to reassert him- 
self as one of the great singers of his 
time. 


D 

Anyone fed up with the clichéd im- 
personality of today's pop offerings and 
yearning for something a bit more inti- 
mate and sophisticated should pick up 
Mel Тогтё and Friends (Finesse). Recorded 
live in a lively New York club, it's a well- 
paced, four-sided distillation of the best 
of pop music from Jerome Kern to Billy 
Joel, performed with great facility and 
taste by the multitalented Tormé, who 
should come out more often and show 
people why he has such a great reputa- 
tion. Janis Ian and Gerry Mulligan (with 
horn) are two of the friends who drop by 
to help keep things moving. 

б 

Eddy Raven, a bayou boy who арргеп- 
ticed in swampland blues and rock be- 
fore going country, has fashioned in 
Desperate Dreams (Elektra) ап impressive 
soft-country-rock album. It seems even 


songs- 
"contemporary Cajun" пі 
A Little Bit Crazy—were written or co- 
written by Raven, who could be destined 
to fly high. 


» 
3 


. 

Jimmy Rowles is the complete jazz 
pianist, He started in the Tommy Dorse 
and Benny Goodman big bands, then 
progressed to become one of the most 
sought-after accompanists to arpeggiate 
an eight-bar intro—he's backed up Billie 
Holiday, Sarah Vaughan, Peggy Lee and, 
currently, Ella Fitzgerald. He's also a 
nonpareil solo player, and on Jimmy 


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PLAYBOY 


38 


Rowles Plays Duke Ellington and Billy Strayhorn 
(Columbia), he totally indulges a life- 
long affinity for their sublime songbook. 
For such standards as Take the “A” Train 
and Sophisticated Lady, Rowles com- 
bines an exhaustive knowledge of Duke's 
piano style, snatches from famed Elling- 
ton sidemen such as Ben Webster and 
Johnny Hodges and his own graceful, 
unlabored chording. This is a highly 
original and heartfelt tribute to a couple 
of the 20th Century's greatest composers. 
- 

Oh, dear. Kiss has come out with a 
concept album. And Lou Reed had a 
hand in it. Oh, fuck. It’s called (Music 
from) “The Elder" (PolyGram) and is more 
of the creeping medievalism that seems 
to be going around: an ersatz Norse or 
Arthurian epic that (more's the pity, 
if you just listen to the music without 
reading the accompanying sleeve copy) 
makes little or no sense—even if you 
stay awake through it all. And there's 
not a single teen anthem іп the lot. 
Shame on all of them—Reed for getting 
involved and Kiss for turning preten- 
tious just when it had become one of 
our favorite bar bands from outer space. 


SHORT CUTS 


Sheena Easton / You Could Have Been 
Me (EMI America): And you're lucky you 
weren't. 

Kikî Dee/ Perfect Timing (RCA): Tim- 
ing's not enough—you need good songs, 
too. A fine voice wasted on shoddy ma- 
terial. 

David Byme/Songs from the Broadway 
Production of “The Catherine Wheel” (Sire): 
Like Cassius, the head Talking Head 
may think too much—but we're glad 
Someone out there making records does. 
A quirky, original score for a full-length 
dance piece. 

Fronk Sinatra / She Shot Me Down (Re- 
prise): Unique readings of weepers from 
the Chairman, among them a dignified 
version of the old Sonny & Cher title 
track. 

Edwin Hawkins / Imogine Heaven (Poly- 
Gram): More spiffily produced hallelujah 
pop proving heaven doesn't have to be 
dull. Reborn Bobby Zimmerman, please 
take note. 

The Jam (Polydor): Meanwhile, back on 
the Nihilism Express, an EP of five Brit- 
ish hit singles previously unreleased here, 
from sons of The Beatles and The Who 
stuck in Thatcherland. 

Polyrock / Changing Hearts (RCA): Driv- 
ing technorock? Amazing but true. And 
only the first time through does it all 
sound the same. Like Kraftwerk brought 
to life—plus a surprising, lovely rendi- 
tion of The Beatles’ Rain. 

Jim Reeves & Patsy Cline /Grectest Hits 
(RCA): With the exception of one me 
chanically miraculous duet by these two 
late country greats who never recorded 
together in life, you've heard these 
before. 


FAST TRACKS 


ALL THE KINK'S MEN: Larry L. King, who wrote the long-running Broadway musical 


The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas (which first appeared as an article in 
PLAYBOY, by the way), is planning another musical extravaganza for the Great 
White Way, on the life of Huey Long. He recently found the perfect collaborator, 
Kinky Friedman. The self-proclaimed Texas Jewboy enthusiastically agreed to 


join King on the project. Although Kinky commented, 
we think the choice is inspired. Write on! 


the ninth person he asked," 


"| was probably about 


ELING AND ROCKING: The George 
Harrison-Monty Python movie partner- 
ship continues with a new film, about 
women in prison, called Scrubbers. 
Here's what Terry Gilliam has to say 
about the Harrison-Python relation- 
ship: “George might criticize my 
work, but he doesn't try to control 
it. I'm sure my response would be, 
“Well, I didn't like all the cuts on 
your last album, either.” . . . Will 
Diana Ross go topless in her upcoming 
film about the life of singer-dancer 
Josephine Boker? Baker had a famous 
number in which she wore only a skirt 
made of bananas. . . . Barry Gibb has 
been signed to make his dramatic act- 
ing debut as Lord Byron. You'll have 
to wait till 1983 for that treat. 
Actor Gregory Harrison, who plays Gonzo 
on TV's Trapper John, M.D., really 
wants to play Jim Morrison in a movie 
about the Doors, even if the rest of the 
movie world wants John Travolta to do 
it. Now we hear that Bobby Dorin's 
mother vill participate in the casting 
of the movie about his life and will 
help pick the actor who vill. 
late son. . . . Earth, Wind ond Fi 
made their screen bow in the totally 
awful Sgt. Pepper movie, are thinking 
of trying again. But this time, Maurice 
White says, "the sound track will be for 
a film we're involved in." Keep your 
eyes open for more news on that. . . . 
Marianne Faithfull has completed а 
three-song conceptual video for Island 
Records. The video includes tracks 
from Dangerous Acquaintances as 
well as the reading (by Marianne) of 
a letter from the 18th Century novel 
that inspired the album title. 
NewspREAKs: The producers of the 


radio show History of Rock т Roll 


have discovered that the big bucks 
are in country music. They are creat- 
ing a 300-station network for the 
series, which includes more than 200 
on-the-road interviews. It will hit the 
airwaves this year. . . . Some critics 
have called it a disgrace, others filler 
music, but Steve Miller calls his 18- 
minute cut Macho City some of the 
best music he has ever played. And 
since a lot of black radio stations 
have edited the song themselves and 
played it to their listeners, it’s a big 
crossover hit. So there! . . . Bob Calvert, 
former lead singer for Hawkwind, has 
written a novel about the music indus- 
ty called Hype. He has recently 
formed a new band with the same 
name. ... Pot Benatar plans to do a 
benefit concert for Viet vets with 
Bruce Springsteen and Charlie Doniels, and 
in return, Springsteen is going to help 
Pat out with her chief nonmusical con- 
cern, prevention of child abuse. 
Memphis singer Jimmy Angel is fed up. 
So he's released a record called Let's 
Give the King a Rest. Say good night, 
El. . . . Joe Cockers latest should be 
reaching you right about now. 
Jackson Browne is coproducing an аі- 
bum for poet friend Greg Copelend. . . . 
The Rolling Stones got New York's Madi- 
son Square Garden's first platinum- 
ticket award for selling 250,000 
concert seats. . . . British blues star John 
Моуой is working on a comeback with 
some former members of the old Blues- 
breakers band (we know about only 
John McVie and Mick Taylor at press- 
time). . . . X, the only really hot L.A. 
bar band to get national recognition, 
will tour the country this summer so 
we can see what all the fuss is about. 
— BARBARA NELLIS 


(om. 


* І 
p, LJ 
pe 
m чь ur» 
э» 


COURVOISIER. THE COGNAC OF NAPOLEON 


40 


ohn Cheever has written a perfect 

little book. Oh What a Paradise It Seems 
(Knopf) does in 100 pages what many 
longer works аге unable to do: It ele- 
gantly and powerfully moves us. Sears 
із an old man who loves to skate апа 
saves the pond where he docs it from 
polluters. He has an affair with a much. 
younger woman, is jilted and surprises 
himself by taking up briefly with her 
elevator man. We also learn about some 
other people who live around the pond, 
whose stories form a kind of muffler 
around this particular slice of life. 
Cheever's at full stride here; and it is a 
measure of his considerable artistry that 
he chose to take a few small and beau- 
tiful steps rather than take us the long 
way around. 


. 

The desperate efforts of antiabortion- 
ists to bestow personhood—indeed, vi 
tual citizenship—on the fertilized human 
egg tends to mystify most people, regard- 
less of their religious beliefs. Andrew Н. 
Merton unravels that mystery, exploring. 
chology, theology, personalitie: 
ics of the “pro-life” movement 
in his Enemies of Choice (Beacon Press). 
The treaunent is a good deal kinder and 
more analytical than the tide suggests, 
and the book is essential reading lor 
anyone who doesn’t understand and 
may therefore underestimate the commit- 
ment and influence of those who could 
well succeed in outlawing all abortion as 
a form of genocide. 

е 

Groundrush (Random House), by Greg 
Barron, is one of those novels that you 
hope will work. It has all the right ele- 
ments: a high school football player who 
asks the right questions about life, a 
pregnant girlfriend, a tough coach, a 
father who dies sky-diving ("groundrush'" 
is a term from that sport, describing the 
hypnotic state you can fall into while 
parachuting, fascinated with the world 
but forgetting to pull your rip cord). So 
up to the 
ing; sometimes 


the dialog gets too cute, there's a certain 
nd the (roughly) 


slackness to the plot 
55 pages spent descril 
football game аге awk 
ll that, it remains to be. 
Greg Barron has talent. There 
nous moments in this book, so don't be 
surprised if he's playing first string in a 
few years. 


5 

When Nelson Rockefeller was getting 
grilled during his Vice-Presidential hear- 
gs he drank Gatorade. In more 
comfortable social situations, he drank 
Dubonnet. After two of them, his speech- 
making became befuddled, He apparent- 


Cheever's Paradise. 


Cheever concocts perfection; 
Merton unravels the 
“pro-life” position; 
Tyler comes to Dinner. 


Dinner family style. 


ly had no sense of humor. He kept an 
active eye for the ladies. President 
Nixon—in office—complained that Rock- 
efellers staff was better than his own. 
Rockefeller was mesmerized by men who, 
like Kissinger, possessed regal self-assur- 
ance. But he maintained that personal 
distance sustained by a man who knows 
he always pays the tab, His favorite TV 
shows were All in the Family and Man- 


nix. And here's Rockefeller on the 
campaign handshake: “You've got to 
hit in close, deep, where they can feel 
it. Connect first, before they do. Thats 
the way to make them feel the powei 
Joseph E. Pérsico's The Imperial Rockefeller 
(Simon & Schuster) is billed as a biogra- 
phy of Nelson Rockefeller. It is more a 
series of chronologically arranged anec- 
dotes about a man whose enormous pub- 
lic drive could be channeled to produce 
marvelous things (his support of his 
mother's Museum of Modern Art) or the 


horrendous (the New York State Capitol 
complex in Albany). 
But if you're wondering just what did 


go on the night he died in the presence 
of Megan Marshack, you'll have to won- 
der 


some more. Persico, for years a 
ter for Rockefeller, is respect- 


“ 

Novels about families аге reali 
only if they contain quirky anecdotes 
with the laughs, the sentiments and the 
sibling rivalries of real families. Anne 
Tyler's novel Dinner ot the Homesick Res- 
tavrant (Кпорі) is realistic. Tyler deftly 
describes the Tull family, which gets 
along in that uneasy "we have to stick 
together, but І wouldn't associate with 
these people if they weren't my relatives" 
way. The Tulls are a single-parent fam- 
ily, with mother Pearl heavy-handedly 
leading the way. Brother Cody just can’t 
get along with favorite child Ezra, and 
smart and dutiful Jenny always 
stranded on the fringe. When Ezra opens 
а restaurant and invites his family for 
spe occasions, it’s no surprise that 
they just can't seem to make it through 
meal without an uproar and somcone's 
leaving in a huff. Sociologists can do all 
the studies they want on families, but 
they might learn more by reading this 
novel. 


- 

Want some really good laughs? Want 
to learn about sports and life? Read The 
Umpire Strikes Back (Bantam), by Ron 
Luciano and David Fisher. Luciano, a 


baseball umpire for 15 years and now a 
commentator on МВСУ Game of the 
Week, tells all, and а wonderful time it 


is. His unending battle with Earl 
Weaver (Luciano once threw Weaver 
out of a game before the game), his non- 
stop career conversation with players 
and fans and anybody else who would 
unique method of calling balls 
n (by sound, 
not sight, because the pitches were some- 
times too fast to sec), his hatred of bor- 
ing games and his Jove of finely played 
ones—the stories go on and on, and 
when it's over, you don't want to leave. 
This has got to be one of the year's best. 


у COMING ATTRACTIONS >‹ 


IDOL Gossip: Lily Tomlin has been tagged 
І to star in United Artists" Jllegitimate, а 
$6,000,000 comedy about a head nurse 
at a New York City funny farm and 
her involvement with the obsession: 
compulsions and neuroses of her pa 
tients. Manhattan's renowned Bellevue 
Hospital is being sought as the principal 
location for filming, which is sct to com- 
mence this spring. . . . "For once, І get 
to play а straight part,” says Olivia 


Tomlin Newton-John 
Newton-John of her current role in Kanga- 
roo, an Australian production co-starring 
Bryan (Breaker Morant) Brown, The Aus- 
sic actress/singer plays an ordinary 
housewife in this film adaptation of a 
D. Н. Lawrence story concerning a down- 
under underground movement of the 
Twenties and Thirties. . . . Jerry Lewis 
and Madeline Kahn will top-line Slapstick, 
based on Kurt Vonnegut, 1976 best 
seller. Both stars will play dual roles— 
as brother and sister and their parents 
Word has it the brother part will re- 
quire Lewis to be 15 years old and more 
than seven feet tall, which could qualify 
the flick for a special-effects Oscar nomi- 
nation if they pull it off. Says 
director John (Whose Life Is It Anyway?) 
Badham of his latest film, Blue Thunder, 
starring Rey Scheider; "Roy will play a 
helicopter pilot with the L.A.P.D., but 
this is not your standard sky-borne ad- 
venture as scen on TV. When you con- 
sider that we're only a couple of ycars 
away from 1981 . . . well, call this a 
slightly paranoid political thriller." 
б 

OUR GODFATHER, WHO ART. . . . Twenti- 

cth Century-Fox's Monsignore is certain 


Reeve Bujold 


to land right on the- Moral Majority's 
no-no list when it hits local Bijous this. 


summer. Christopher Reeve stars as a fast- 
rising Vatican priest who endeavors to 
raise money for the Church from the 
Mafia. As if that weren't enough, he's 
also got a love intcrest—Genevieve Bujold— 
who, according to publicists, “becomes 
as important to him as his vows." It was 
never this tough for Bing Crosby. 
e 

THE SOCIOLOGY OF THE YOUTH MARKET: Uni- 
versal's answer to Grease 2, Paramount's 
teen grabber, will be the film version of 
Cameron Crowe's 1981 book, Fast Times 
at Ridgemont High (excerpted іп 
PLAYBOY's September 1981 issue). Like 
the Grease sequel, Fast Times will fea- 
ture a mostly unknown but nonetheless 
credentialed cast, including Tony winner 
Brian Backer, Sean Penn (he was the second 
lead in Taps), Seventeen-magazine model 
Phoebe Cates and Jennifer Jason Leigh, pre- 
viously featured in Wrong Is Right and 
the TV movie The Best Little Girl in the 
World. Sources close to the production 
claim Fast Times gives “an honest look 
at what today’s teens are thinking, feel- 
ing and experiencing, how they live, 
work and play,” and Universal has even 


Cates 


leigh 


hired a young director, 28-year-old Amy 
Heckerling, to keep the proceedings youth- 
ful and exuberant. Naturally, a sound- 
track album will be released, contributed 
to by such notables as Pat Benatar, Don 
Henley, Glenn Frey and Bob Seger. Both 
Grease 2 and Fast Times will hit the 
screens—you guessed it—this summer. 
- 

Pirate Wars: It seems that The Pirates 
of Penzance was such a big hit on Broad- 
way that it will spawn not one but two 
major motion pictures. The first to hit the 
screen, this summer, will be The Pirate 
Movie, which 20th Century-Fox is calling 
a “modernized” version, with a more 
contemporary script and some new rock- 
pop songs from Terry Britten (he wrote 
Devil Woman for Cliff Richard). Five of the 
original songs remain, but their lyrics will 
be updated in a manner that might force 
Gilbert and Sullivan to come back and haunt 
the producers. For instance, 7 Am the 
Very Model of a Modern Major-General 


now contains such lyrics as “I'm into est 
and all the rest, Гуе undergone analysis/ 
I've jogged beyond decrepitude to per- 
manent paralysis.” Kristy McNichol and 
Christopher Atkins will star, and both will do 
their own singing. Meanwhile, Universal 


McNichol Ronstadt 


is preparing to unvcil its more literal ver- 
sion of the play next Christmas. Uni- 
versal's The Pirates of Penzance has 
almost all the original Broadway cast 
members, including linda Ronstadt, Kevin 
Kline and Rex Smith. Angola Lansbury will 
take the place of Estelle Parsons in the 
film, and Wilford Leach, who won a Tony 
for directing the show on Broadway, will 
helm the picture, his first. 
. 

RISING STARS DEPARTMENT: Actor Robert 
(Airplane!) Hays is keeping busy these 
days with two features in the works. First 
on the agenda is Some Sunny Day, in 
which Hays portrays a mental patient 
who escapes from an institution and at- 
tempts to begin a new life on the board- 
walk of Wildwood, New Jersey. Kathleen 
Beller co-stars as his romantic interest and 
Ned Beatty plays a boardwalk barker who 
befriends them. It's Hays's first serious 
dramatic role. On the lighter side is 
Trenchcoat, a Disney comedy teaming 
Hays with Margot Kidder. Set in San Fran- 
cisco and Malta, Trenchcoat is the story 


Beller 


Hays 


of a court stenographer who writes un- 
published mystery novels on the side and 
ventures to Malta to find romance, ad- 
venture and mystery. She finds all three 
in no time by getting herself embroiled 
in a labyrinthine plot involving Arabs, 
agents and Hays. © —JOHN BLUMENTHAL 


41 


The many facets of 
The Crown Jewel of England: © 


By ASA BABER 


I didn't re: 
Sergeant Danny Gross, my Marine Corps 
drill instructor, taught me. He could 
surely use the language. He said I was 
a pinheaded, no-brained, foreskin-chew- 
ing, pogey-bait maggot, lower than worm 
life, and if І ever got out of boot camp 
it would be cither in a hearse or in 
skirts, because I certainly didn't have 
the makings of a Marine. 

Sergeant Gross taught me a lot of 
other things, too—things that later saved 
my life. He had a list of don'ts that 
he entitled "Don't Fuck with Watashi. 
“Watashi” is death. You don't fuck with 
Watashi by opening a 105 howitzer 
breechblock immediately after а misfire. 
You don't stick your head up on top of 
hill, because that’s where the snipers 
will be looking. You don't stay on the 
low ground, because that means some- 
body might have the high ground. W. 
tashi is sneaky and mean, and you have 
to think if you want to stay out of his 
way 

T hea 


Пу learn to swear until 


а that—through no fault of his 
own—Sergeant Gross met Watashi а few 
years later, but the good sergeant's 
tough spirit and humorous way with 
language are still with me, As a matter 
of fact, its my belief that men like 
Sergeant Gross serve as examples for the 
rest of us and that we men look for role 
models as we grow and try to mature. 
We don't always find the right models, 
but that doesn't mean we aren't looking 
No man is an island," John Donne 
wrote, and 
sense, too. Men are by nature collegiate 
We are convivial scavengers, patching 
our personalities together with chewing 
gum and baling wire, We collect waits 
from a million different sources, taking 
what we can use wherever we find it. 
We work by improvisation, watching 
other men, learning by example, not by 
talk. For most of us, talking a lot about 
ourselves would be like talking about a 
jailbreak. We'd rather be filing through 
the bars and lowering the ropes and 
getting the hell out of there. We sce 
k as cheap and misleading. Action 
reveals а man's true nature. Better ye 
action can be learned from and imitated 

1 had one English professor in many 
years of education who understood that. 
His name was R. P. Blackmur. He 
was а poet and a Critic, one of the 
only professors at Princeton without an 
advanced degree. Не generally 
snubbed by the bright and aggressive 
scholars of the English department. but 
he was the best teacher I ever had. Like 
nt Gross, he made lang, 
Blackmur was short, а he: 
with a magnificent voic 


it fits in its less universal 


was 


ge come 
vy man 
and when he 


ROLE MODELS _ 


“Меп are by nature collegiate. 
We are convivial scavengers, 
patching our personalities 
together with chewing gum 

and baling wire. 


toddled into the lecture hall with his 
green book bag in tow, he looked like a 
koala bear. His routine never varied. He 
would dump a pile of books onto the 
lectern, look around like an amused 
owl and proceed to read poetry 
it, not just talk about it. He read Y 
Pound, Stevens, Shakespeare, М 
Chaucer and a host of other wordsmiths. 
lt was not theoretical or academic dis- 
cussion. It was incantation and invoca 
tion, and it set a premium on the words 
themselves. I collected many things from 
Blackmur. For example, I read every- 
thing I write today aloud, and until the 
words sound right, І do not share them 
with anyone else. Blackmur taught me 
that and. sparked in me a Iove of uncor- 
rupted language. 

Like other men, I am composed of 
pieces of a puzzle, made up of disparate 
parts borrowed from the men I tried to 
mold myself after. Dan 1, а boxing 
coach, listened to me whining between 
rounds in a tough fight and said, “Kid, 
you lose in your head, not out there in 
the ring.” I repeat that message to my- 
self with every rejection slip and failure 
My father taught me how to be dapper 


read 


and smiling in the face of hardship: He 
wore a salesman's grin and a trim bow 
tie every day as he headed toward a job 
that was, by definition, a dead end for 
him because he had finished. 
college. 

Like a squirrel like a pack rat, І 
collected bits and pieces of personality 
from all of these men. They showed me 
how to live by living. 

There were public models, too—politi- 
cal figures, sports heroes, movie stars. 
President Kennedy was one. His rhetoric 
was catching. In а way, І оме him my 
life. People say he was ready to start a 
great big war in Asia, but I don't think 
so. 1 was one of a special group of 
Marines sent overseas in 1961. and you 
can say what you want to about J.F.K.. 
but 1 am here to tell you that he tried 
to keep things under control, and he 
chose not to go to total war in Laos 
That took more guts and common sense 
than barging in there with everything 
we had, and 1 admired that. 

Interestingly enough, theres а twist, 
a curve ball, a fateful thing that happens 
to the role-model idea. Stay alive, age 
tle. have kids, friends, associates, and 
before you know it. you'll find younger 
men watching you, taking what they can 
use and rejecting the rest. It's an eerie, 
vital process that I think is intuitively, 
genetically understood by men. 

Fath 
all about. We men adopt one another. 
We challenge, set standards, approve 
and disapprove, all without articulating 
it. really. It's no big deal; it's just how 
we arc. And the fun of it is that the 
lines are never that clear-cut. My sons 
have helped me mature as much as I 
have helped them. My fathers have given 
me approaches to life that have made 


never 


rs and sons, that's what it's really 


lite bearable. 
On the last night of boot camp. 
Sergeant Gross came into the barracks 


about three a.m. and dumped me out of 
my bunk and told me to report to the 
obstacle course on the double, which I 
did. He made me give him 50 push-ups, 
and then he told me to stand easy. He 
uncovered a case of beer, put it between 
us, shook my hand and allowed as how 
I might make а good Marine after all. 
He was giving me his seal of approval, 
and it meant a lot to me, We drank the 
beer and he told me war stories and we 
laughed a lot about the summer's his 
tory. It was a moment of mutual respect 
and affection. although we never would 
have labeled it as such. The last thing 
Danny Gross said to me was, "Remem- 
ber, don't fuck with W 

L haven't, and I won't, not even when 
he comes for me. Sergeant Gross taught 


me that. 
Ba 


tashi.” 


43 


Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined 
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health. 


PLAYBOY'S TRAVEL GUIDE 


By STEPHEN BIRNBAUM 


THE CURRENT hot topics of conversa- 
tion in France have little to do with 
the new Socialist government and a lot 
to do with fashion and travel. French- 
men are concentrating on the mini- 
skirted legs of Frenchwomen, who, in 
turn, are gazing at the supertight leather 
€ the current malefashion 
Meanwhile, both sexes are 


jeans that a 
craze in Pari 
mesmerized by the fastest train in the 


world, the Train à Grande Vitesse, 
which has just begun operating between 
Paris and Lyons. 

The TGV, as it is commonly called, 
will soon run from Paris to the South 
of France. Only its first leg is open 
now, but even that allows travelers 
to race the 264 miles from Paris to Lyons 
in two hours and 40 minutes. The 
TGV holds the world speed record 
(238 miles per hour) on conventional 
rail; its faster than South Africa's Blue 
Train and Japan's Bullet, although the 
present schedule requires that the TGV 
hit a top speed of "only" 165 miles 
per hour. 

These statistics аге interesting, but 

far more enticing are the social op- 
portunities that the TGV has created. 
Among other things, debates about the 
relative merits of Parisian versus Lyon- 
nais cuisine can now be conducted in 
concrete rather than abstract terms, and 
asking a young lady to join you for 
lunch or an carly dinner in Lyons has 
suddenly become the classiest social 
ritual among the young and beautiful 
of Paris. Once the drive was at least a 
four-hour schlep, and the trip back— 
sated from superb food and sleepy from 
fine wine—was just too much for even 
the most determined hedonist. The TGV 
has changed all that. 
To see what all the excitement was 
about, we headed for Lyons one recent 
morning with four French friends; not, 
however, before making a small detour 
on our way to the train station—stops 
at Fauchon and at Michel Guérard's 
Comptoir Gourmand (both conveniently 
located behind the Madeleine)—for 
croissants, jam, some new Beaujolais and 
a supply of Guérard's incomparable 
chocolate bars to keep body and soul 
together on the train ride to and from 
Lyons. 

The fare from Paris to Lyons on the 
TGV is $57 one way, first class; $38 
in second class. Conventional and TGV 
fares are identical except during certain 
peak periods (when there's a surcharge 
ior the TGV), so it costs no more to 
travel on the fast track. Even more de- 
lightful for American visitors is that the 
TGV is an integral part of the Eurail- 
pass system, and a Eurailpass holder can 


ON TRACK 


From Paris to Lyons— 
for lunch—on the 
fastest train around. 


ride the superfast train without any 
additional charge, whether or not at a 
peak period. 

Having ridden the Meuoliner out 
of New York City to Washington just 
before heading for France, I approached 
my first TGV ride with some doubt. On 
the Amtrak run, the roadbed was in 
such atrocious condition that even read- 
i vis all but impossible. Not so on 
GV. (Seat reservations are made 
in advance, by the way, and are easily 
found; the seats themselves аге remark- 
ably comfortable.) Whoever worked on 
the track bed obyiously knew what he 
was doing. The sensation of motion on 
the TGV, even at 165 miles per hour 
and with the scenery slipping by in a 
blur, is barcly perceptible. As with the 
supersonic Concorde aircraft, there's al- 
most a feeling of disappointment that 
the high speed does not have more 
roaring and pitching about it. Rather, 
it's as smooth аз silk, and no one in 
our party had any trouble applying jam 
to his croissant or keeping an eye on 
the extravagant fashion parade in the 
aisles. 

"The 9:15 TGV Irom Paris pulled into 
Perrache Station in Lyons at exactly 
five minutes before 12:00. The subject 
of where to eat in Lyons had occupied us 
for several days prior to the trip. Al- 
though our French friends would have 
preferred a simple bistro in town, 1 
insisted that the lunch venue be no less 
than Paul Bocuse, one of the seven 
three-star restaurants (one more than in 
Paris) that ring the city like a 
nomic necklace. 

We stepped into a cab outside the 


train station at five minutes after noon 
and exactly 17 minutes later were at 
Bocuse’s restaurant in the Lyons suburb 
of Collongesau-Montd'Or. One thing 
you have to say about Bocuse is that he 
isn't shy, so it’s not much trouble to 
find his eatery. The succession of signs 
just outside Lyons looks like something 
out of a French Burma-Shave campaign, 
with constant reminders that you are 
getting closer to his dining room. And 
lest even this trail of signposts lead you 
astray, Bocuse's name flashes from the 
wall of his restaurant in neon letters so 
large, they're probably visible trom pass- 
ing satellites. 

Yet for all this unabashed selfpro- 
motion, the menu is what matter 
is a symphony of seasonal speciale 
combined with classic dishes, and 
instantly obvious that coming this dis- 
tance for lunch is worth the effort 
Furthermore, because lunch prices are 
more modest than their dinner count 
parts—and lunch reservations far easier 
to come by than tables at dinner time— 
there's no trouble making lastminute 
travel plans, and you can dine without 
running the risk of incarceration in the 
Ba 


tille’s bankruptcy section. 

We feasted for two and a half sumptu- 
ous hours, choosing wines [rom Bocuse's 
own list and following his suggestions of 
specialties of the day. Lunch for two. 
induding three different wines, costs 
slightly more than $100, and considering 
its provenance and abundance, that may 
be the greatest appeal of the entire trip. 

The red Michelin guide can give you 
the names of all the other three-star 
restaurants around Lyons, but bistro 
lovers and visitors with modest finan- 
cial resources should try La Tassée, Le 
Bistrot de Lyon or Chez Lea (more for- 
mally called Restaurant de la Voute). 
This is not exactly a hardship, since 
Lyons bistros feature such treats as juicy 
pistachio-studded sausages and pan-fried 
steaks in shallotand-red-wine sauce. 

At the end of that extravagant dining 
experience, we swore never ever to cat 
again. Yet on the ride back to Paris, 1 
was awakened from а snooze by the rus- 
of aluminum foil as my compan- 
ions began unwrapping chocolate bars 
about an hour out of Paris. We also fin- 
ished the remaining wine before arrival 
and so had only to discard our empty 
bottles and other debris before leaving 
the train. When we looked up at the 
clock in the main Gare de Lyon termi- 
nal, it read only 6:40 т.м. Аз we all 
headed off into the Parisian night, we 
realized there was still plenty of time to 
decide where to have dinner. 


45 


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ALOT OF US HAVE WILD IDEAS. HERES TO 
THOSE WHO GET THEIRS OFF THE GROUND. 


For 105 years, attempts have 
been made to cross the Atlantic 
by balloon. All of them failed. 

Until in 1978, on their second 
бу, Maxie Anderson and his two 
partners astounded the world. 
They made it. 

The following year, he and his 
son, Kris, (who holds the world 
hot air balloon distance record), 
piloted the first balloon to fly 
across the North American con- 
tinent. Now, Maxie is preparing 
for the ultimate adventure: a 
10-day, 20,000 mile flight around 
the globe. 

What the Andersons will try 
next is anyone's guess. But one 
thing is certain. Whenever these 
two daring, unpredictable 
balloonists get together, they do 
something very predictable. 
They pour themselves a glass of 
their favorite Scotch, Cutty Sark. 
And they start planning the 
newest mission impossible. 


Maxie and Kris Anderson. 


THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 


М.» ivs а pattern, maybe it's me. 
The last few women Гуе dated have 
been very vocal about what pleases them 
One could come only by touching herself. 
Another had to a vibrator pres- 
ent. I'm currently seeing а woman who 
has such distinct ideas about sex. For one 
thing, she prefers that I come first. She 
will then rub against me with gen- 
tle motions until she comes, as I lose my 
erection. During oral sex, she does not 
like me to flick my tongue or aggressively 
stimulate her; she will move against my 
longue until she comes, treating her 
clitoris as a tiny penis. I feel stymied. 
None of the moves 1 thought I had 
down pat seems to work with this wom- 
an. This is not the way I heard it should 
be. 1 keep asking myself: “What did you 
do for her?” What would you do in this 
situation?—N. B., Chicago, Illinois. 
Probably have the time of our lives. 
Over the past decade, there has been a 
shift in our concept of sexual respon- 
sibility. It used to be that a man thought 
he was а man by making a woman 


come—via intercourse, Thrusting in the 
missionary position, The old in and out. 
It. didn't always work, and that drove a 
lot of men crazy. Nowadays, women are 
upfront about declaring what 
works апа what doesn’t. І] a woman is 
bold enough, or honest enough, to tell 
you what excites her, you should feel 
privileged. She is giving you the keys to 
the kingdom, the power to please. Just 
remember, it was as hard for women to 
admit that traditional intercourse didn’t 
work as it was for men to realize that 
they weren't threatened by other op- 
tions. Forget your old notions about 
what is right and wrong. We define love 
as the willingness and. ability to please. 
AL the same time, you should discuss 
your feelings—your needs have equal 
weight. Try for something more. A 
compromise could be astonishi 


more 


Five been noticing the radical changes 
in auto-body styles lately, the most nota- 
ble being the addition of an air dam 
below the front grille. І can understand 
that kind of equipment on racing cars, 
but I can't sce how it could affect the 
performance of cars during city driving 
or even at the 55-mph highway speed. 
Is this just another example of putting 
"racing stripes" on a clunker 10 make 
you feel like you're getting a high-pow- 
ered car?—P. Q., Houston, Texas. 

We can understand your paranoia, 
but, in this case at least, it is a little ті 
placed. The fact is, with the high cost 
of fuel, auto designers are using every 
possible means to lower fuelrobbing 


aerodynamic drag—thal is, pushing the 
air out of the way so the car can get 
going. The drag of airflow is significant 
at speeds as low as 30 mph. AL 50 mph, 
а car uses nearly half ils fuel just getting 
through the air in front of it. By smooth- 
ing oul the surfaces of a car, that drag 
is reduced. One of the worst contributors 
lo the drag on a car is the turbulence 
"ated by the jumble of mechanicals 
underneath the car. A properly designed 
air dam under the grille not only can 
help push the air off to the sides, it can 
also use that aiv to aerate the engine 
compartment, resulting in a cooler-run- 
ning engine. While such improvements 
result in only fractional gains in miles 
per gallon, those gains can add up to 
barrels of oil over the life of the car. 


Wou blew it, boys. I was (please note 
the use of the past tense) involved in 
the best affair of my life when misinfor- 
mation from your column changed all 
that, One alternoon, after many blissful 
hours of lovemaking, I remarked how it 
turned me on to be able to feel my 
lover come while inside me. This sensa 
tion was heightened because 1 had just 
come and all of my muscles were so 
tightly surrounding him that the feeling 
was much more direct. My lover was 
skeptical and asked repeatedly if I really 
could [eel him pulsating inside of me. 
The next day, expecting another won- 
derful afternoon, I was disappointed 
when he handed me a copy of an old 
rLAYBov (April 1978) and told me to 
read an Advisor answer that declared: 
Most women can't feel the male orgasm 


for the simple reason that the inner two 
thirds of the vagina are devoid of nerve 
endings.” Like hell, I say. І feel and J 
love it. My boyfriend was hurt that ] 
was so dissatisfied with our sex life that 
J would lie to him. He suggested that we 
end the affair. It took many hours of 
persuasive technique to convince him 
otherwise. Now, the relationship has an 
air of uncertainty. It may be his in- 
security (certainly it is not my lack of 
honest, open communication), but it is 
my sex life you have put a damper on. 
Please: This may not be one of the most 
“provocative, pertinent queries” you r 
ccive, but you guys owe me a retraction 
or an explanation.—Miss J. D., Tampa, 
Florida. 

We apologize and plead nolo conten- 
dere. Our answer quoted Masters and 
Johnson. Even these experts are careful 
to point out that “most women" does 
nol mean “all women.” Statistics have a 
use—for example, if you didn't feel your 
lover's orgasm and he thought you 
should, you could point out that the 
common expectation was not based on 
statistical fact. The information is im- 
portant. We try to get й out. Bul sta- 
tistics also contribute to a pressure to 
perform to the standard. Individuals 
are, well, individuals. There is no such 
thing as normal in real life. The inner 
two thirds of the vagina may be devoid 
of nerve endings, but without doubi, the 
muscles that combine to produce the 
contractions of orgasm are capable of 
feeling. In this case, the only true au- 
thorily is one's partner. To paraphrase a 
Dave Mason song: “When it comes 
down to just two, I ain’t no wiser than 
you 


WM nen 1 bring а girl to my place after 
a date for a little home entertainment, 
I like to change into something a little 
more comfortable than the street clothes 
I have on. The thing is, my usual at- 
home outfit is а long robe. Some girls 
don’t mind, but others are a little intim- 
idated by this “bedroom” dress. I have 
two very colorful and very expensive 
robes that I like to wear. Am I out of 
line or are the girls just uptight?— 
M. Р., San Diego, California. 

To most people, robes lead to bed- 
rooms the way wearing white pants leads 
to chocolate stains. But we don't think 
that need be so; and as long as you're 
not kidding anybody, we хе nothing 
wrong with it. For instance, we know a 
guy who likes to play host in his pa- 
jamas. On the other hand, if the girls 
object 100 much and if the real reason 
behind your attire is comfort, you might 


аз 


PLAYBOY 


50 


consider an option. That is to change 
into some of the New Wave warmups 
or sweat suits. They are every bit as 
comfortable for lounging as they are for 
jogging or tennis. They also tend to look 
sporty rather than intimate, so there will 
be no misunderstandings. And if you 
should run into a girl who considers sex 
а sport, voilàl—you're dressed for the 
occasion. 


ІМ. mater who it is or how she does 
it, 1 can't come when my lover gives me 
head, It disappoints the hell out of both 
of us. І want to come and she yearns for 
the taste of it. Oral sex feels really good 
to me. І feel as if I am really close to 
coming almost every time, but it never 
happens. І have no trouble when E m: 
love to her or to any other woman. What 
the hell is the problem?—S. J., Dayton. 
Ohio. 

Now you know what a woman feels 
like when she can't reach orgasm through 
intercourse. The villain is friction, or 
lack of it. Some péople simply require 
more stimulation than others. There's 
no rule that sex has to occur one trick 
al a time. There's no law that says you 
have to respond totally to what may be 
very subtle stimulation. Ask your lover 
to use her hands. Don't be afraid to 
guide her to where you both want to go. 
Never hesitate to discover (and declare) 
exactly what gels you off. 


В recently heard about an Oriental sex 
practice called the Seven Handkerchief 
Trick. The friend who used the term 
said that he had performed the trick, 
but it was difficult. He refused to elab- 
te, even to his current lover, who is 
ager to try it. Can you tell me what the 
Seven Handkerchief Trick is and how it 
is done?—P. C., Loi lle, Kentucky. 

We suspect your friend is baffled and | 
or embarrassed. Despite the hoopla, 
there ave those who think that the “Kama 
Sutra" is an elahorate practical joke that 
Orientals play on barbarians from the 
West. For the record: The practice you 
describe requires seven handkerchiefs (or, 
in another incarnation, опе handker- 
chief with seven knots). The aforemen- 
tioned handkerchiefs are stuffed into 
one's anus al an appropriate moment 
(we defy you to find the right moment) 
and are removed, one knot or one hand- 
kerchief at a time, at or near orgasm. 
The technique supposedly heightens or- 
gasm, if that is possible. A string of 
beads (Бу it next time you visit Club 
Med) or pearls can be used. We under- 
sland your friend's reticence. The tech- 
nique sounds better than it feels. 


o 


Wl, new apartment has very thick 
wall-to-wall carpeting that is ruining the 
sound of my sterco. What used to be 
a crisp-sounding system is now muffled 
and muddy. If I turn down my bass 


control, it helps a little but the sound 
still has a boomy quality. If I turn up 
the treble, it all sounds tinny. The loud- 
ness switch just increases the problem. 
Tm about ready to trade it in on an 
all-new system unless you have a better 
idea. Please tell me you do.—N. D., 
Chicago. Hlinois 
Actually, the better idea has been 
around for some time now in sound 
studios and is becoming quite common 
in the amateur studios of audiophile 
What you need is а frequency equalizer, 
an extra component that’s so effective, it 
will soon be as commonplace as ап am- 
Рег. In fact, it is simply a refinement 
of the tone controls on your amplifier. 
Ws useful for just the reason you've 
described: Stereo systems do not travel 
well. No matter how good your system 
is, it is at the complete mercy of the 
"silent component," the room you put 
й in. The principle is really simple: The 
frequency range of music is broken down 
into five to ten bands, cach adjusted by 
а separate slide control. The more slides 
you have, the more you can control the 
music. If, for instance, your violins are 
getting lost in the carpet pile, you can 
adjust the control that corresponds to 
the frequency of that instrument—in 
effect boosting the volume of the violin. 
The quality of the music is not affected. 
You are simply finding a more person- 
ally pleasing mix than the one the audio 
engineer found when he recorded the 
music. After all, everyone's cars ше dif- 
ferent, and he may not have known of 
your love for violins. Besides adjusting 
your stereo for playback of music, the 
equalizer is also useful for recording. If 
you use caselles іп your car, for in- 
stance. recording them at selected boosted 
frequencies can eliminate some of the 
acoustic problems in that environment. 
In short, the equalizer has made the 
lone controls on your receiver as ob- 
solete as the horn on а gramophone. 


Ham 51 and have been happily married 
for 11 years. My husband and I have a 
good and open relationship. І have a 
healthy desire for him. My problem? I 
am by nature an affectionate person. 
I have a hard time balancing my affec- 
tions for other men with my love lor my 
husband. І am пог unhappy. L believe 
in amd enjoy marriage. But there have 


been certain men І have grown to know 


«d life whom I like very 
m attracted to sexually. 
S- 


during my n 
much and 
When I 
trated. І want to touch them with genu- 
ine affection without hurting feclings 
and without b understood. by 
other people. І end up doing a lot of 
silly "innocent" sex play. l've never had 
an affair, nor, in reality, do 1 want onc. 
My husband seems to accept my flirting 
and friendliness as me. Am I different? 
Do a lot of women feel what І do but 


n near these men, І feel fi 


simply suppress it? 1 necd some outside 
opinions and advice. Please help.— 
Mrs. D. M., Seattle, Washington. 

It seems that you are by nature affec- 
lionate and perhaps a bit of a tease. 
These аге probably the very qualities 
that attracted. your husband. He does 
not expect you to change, and quite 
frankly, we don't expect that you will. 
You have been married 11 years, an 
indication of emotional and sexual ma- 
turity on the part of both you and your 
husband. As far as the rest of the world 
goes, а well-publici 
claimed that a whopping 51 percent of 
all married women had affairs. Different 
strokes for different folks. There are 
ways to convey affection апа respect 
without hurting feelin veryone ap- 
preciates а hug. It all comes down to 
how you carry yourself. There is nothing 
wrong with telling someone, “If 1 
weren't married, I would be interested— 
and dangerous" Once you get things 
clear in your cwn mind, you will be able 
to give a clear signal to your male 
friends. 


WI girlfriend visits ner gynecologist 
every six months. Part of the examin 
tion involves checking her breasts for 
early signs of cancer. Recently, she re 
turned home and said that her doctor 
told her about a test milar to a breast 
examination—for testicu r and 
that І should do myself а 
out about it. Is there such ап exam?— 
M.C isco, Calilorn 

You've got a great girlfriend. Keep 
her. She cares. Apparently, there has 
been a surge in testicular cancer. In 
most cases, Бу the time victims go lo the 
medical profession, it is too lale. That's 
the bad news. The good news is that if 
the cancer is detected early, it is almost 
100 percent curable. The telltale symp- 
tom is a lump, thickening or swelling of 
the testicles. Not all lumps are cancer- 
ous, but they should be checked out. To 
examine yourself, start with a warm 
shower or bath. When the skin of the 
scrotum is relaxed, explore each testicle, 
rolling il between thumb and forefinger. 
You are looking for a small lump that 
may be the size of a pea, located (in 
most cases) al the front of the testicle. If 
you find one, don't freak. Consult a doc- 
tor, Better to sound a false alarm than 
10 find yourself in serious trouble. 


All reasonable questions—from fash- 
ion, food and drink, stereo and sports cars 
to dating dilemmas, taste and cliquette— 
will be personally answered if the write 
includes a stamped, self-addressed en- 
velope. Send all letters to The Playboy 
Advisor, Playboy Building, 919 N. Michi- 
gan Avenue, Chicago, Illinois 60611. The 
most provocative, pertinent queries will 
be presented on these pages cach month. 


| (а E) і A T 
ра * iN M AUN М ами f 
Mi iH Ау. M | 

| Ji А " ае " 


Sony is about to change 
your idea of what you can expect 
from an audio tape. 


Hear booming kettle drums with virtually no distortion. 


Hear quiet flute passages free of hiss. 


Sonys UCX-Sisa revolutionary new 
cassette tape. A high-bias tape with a 
wider dynamic range than any other tape 
of its type. So wide, it actually expands 
the sound you can hear. (With minimal 
distortion, hiss or print-through.) Thats why 
we call it Wide Fidelity Sound. 
ў ou can record 
as well as the very low: 
Either way, youll hear everything with a 
clarity youve never heard before on a high- 
bias tape. And you can also record at higher 
volume levels. so you can record and hear 
the very soft sounds you lost before in 
background noise 
How did Sony do it? With three 


Wide Fidelity Sound 
tape that makes it possible. 


major technological advances. (The kind you 
expect from Sony;) First, ultra-fine magnetic 
particles that are significantly smaller than 
any other conventional Type Ш tape particles. 
And a unique orientation process that aligns 
the particles so they are pointed in the same 
direction. (No mean feat when you consider 
there are some 500000000000 
magnetic particles in one millimeter of tape.) 
And third, а never-before-manufactured 
binder and process to assure a uniform, high 
density of particles. 

If you want to get technical about it, 
here are the incredible specifications: 
Retentivity and Squareness higher than any 
other high-bias tape. Retentivity of 1800 


Gauss, and that means greater Maximum 
Output Level and d dynamic range. 
Squareness of 93%, an astounding fi 
for better recording efficiency. (When you 
consider that no other tape of this type 
has ever reached even 90%, youll realize 
just how phenomenal UCX'Ss 93% is.) 
Of course, the real test of UCX-S is 
not a question of numbers or percentages. It 
comes when you lean back, close your eyes 
and listen. You'll hear subrleties in the music 
you could only hear until now in the 
concert hall. You'll hear every instrument in 
the orchesua. Youll hear more than you've 
ever heard on a high-bias tape. Youll hear 
icon UCX-S, with Wide Fidelity Sound. 


to the highest reaches of the strings. 


Son 


DEAR PLAYMATES 


ЕЕ ст since Erica Jong wrote Fear of 
Flying, the idea of making love with 
an improper stranger has teased the 
imagination of both men and women. 
We decided to ask the Playmates if this 
popular fantasy was one of theirs. 

This month's question is 


Have you ever been attracted to a 
complete stranger and what did you do 
about it? 


Wes, my boyfriend's friend. When we 
met, we looked at each other and we just. 
knew we were attracted, but we didn't 
say anything. Then he left and J thought, 
Oh. brother, I blew it, But he worked it 
out so that he 
had to come see 
my boyfriend 
again and I was 
there. After 
that visit, we 
went out. But 
the way it hap- 
pened was so 
strange. 1 was 
looking out of 
my boyfriend's 
window when 1 
saw a guy drive 
by on a motorcycle. І knew we were 
waiting for his friend but I didn't know 
his friend was the guy on the motorcycle. 
I had been standing at the window hay 
ing a fantasy and а few minutes later, 
the fantasy walked іп. Му fantasies 
en't too detailed when it comes to 
strangers. Just that I'd like to strike up 
a conversation. Something possible. 


Anna -Phare Fo 


ANNE-MARIE FOX 
FEBRUARY 1982 


Once, when siruck by instant attrac 
tion, І went over to a strange man and 
said, “І love you.” He said. “Where?” 
And I said. 

“Anywhere!” 1 
don't think I 
would ever say 
that kind of 
thing to a man 
who couldn't 
handle it I 
wouldn't want 
to give some- 
one cardiac a 
rest! I have 
been known to 
get attracted to E " 

à man and make the first move, I made 
the frst move with both Joe Namath 


and Rod Stewart, and cach of those re- 
lationships lasted for a while. My initial 
conversation with Stewart went some- 
thing like this: "Mr. Stewart, I hap- 
pened to see you on The Midnight 
Special the other night. I had no idea 
who you were. I wasn't familiar with your 
music. But you really impressed me with 
your style, and I'm not easily impressed.” 
And that was that. 


M Que Lianan 


MARCY HANSON 
OCTOBER 1978 


О.с. 1 was walking down the street 
going to an interview. I turned toward a 
building and there was this wonder- 
ful, gorgeous- 
looking man 
standing there. 
It was instant 
lust and attrac- 
His eyes 
aught mine as 
passed. cach 
othcr. І started 
to go into the 
building but 
turned. around 
to him instead 
and said, “How 
am 1 ever going to sec you again?” We 
had dinner. And we enjoyed each other 
very much. It was unique. We continued 
to date for about a month, but our in- 
terests were totally different so after a 
while, we just stopped 


Fount Minato 


LORRAINE MICHAELS 
APRIL 1981 


Wes, 1 have been auracted to а 
stranger. There was a definite clectricity- 
It was unexpected. Usually, I get so 
involved with the man in my life that I 
think, I'll 
never look at 
another guy no 
matter what 
happens to 
mc. But once, 
when I 

traveling, 
v a guy who 
just drew my 
attention, He 
was tall, lean, 
kind of rugged. 
So I smiled. I 
didn’t have to say a word. The magic 
times in my life have been mutual. More 


recently, I saw a guy while I was stand- 
ing in a group signing autographs. This 
had never happened before. He stood off 
to the side and caught my eye. He looked 
like a musician. After a while, he came 
up to me and asked if I wanted to hear 
him play. He was a musician! I said sure 
and took along my chaperone and a 
couple of Bunnies. He winked at me 
before I left. The next night, I went to 
hear him again and he sang a song right 
at me, and boy, did that get to me. IC 
was at the time of the full moon, you 
know. 


dA te D hake 
MICHELE DRAKE 
MAY 1979 


М. o a complete stranger . . . well, 
after ten minutes, maybe. I necd a little 
conversation to know if there is any 
possibility. ГЇЇ tell you the funniest 
opening line І can remember. I went 
into a shoe store to do some shop- 
ping and 
walked out 
with the sales- 
man, whom І 
then dated for 
three years. He 
was a Stanford 
graduate pick. 
ing up some 
extra bucks 
Here's what 
happened: He 
was showing 
me a pair of 
shoes. 1 was shopping with a friend. I 
turned to my friend as I was trying on 
the shoes and said something about 
needing to wash my hair. The shoe guy. 
who had said nothing up to that point, 
said, “Yeah, I know, you wash your hair 
once every two weeks whether it needs 
it or not.” Well, the guy struck me 
funny. Then I was attracted to him, If a 
guy can make me laugh, he's got a 
chance with me almost immediately. 


9) 
Q дез 
(at p лото LO 
CATHY LARMOUTH 
JUNE 1981 


2] you have a question, send it to 
Dear Playmates, Playboy Building, 919 
North Michigan Avenuc, Chicago, Ili- 
nois 60611. We won't be able to answer 
every question, but we'll do our best. 


55 


Nationwide . 
taste tests prove it! 


Windsor Canadian 
beats VO! 


a 


i> Я 
САИ ОСА 
РСР 
ай оо ЎЎ, 
Canain Goran" A 


Five hundred serious Cana isky 
drinkers coast-to-coast just compared Windsor 
Canadian to the higher-priced Seagram’s V.O. 
Windsor was preferred. 
So try a sip of Windsor and a sip of VO. and $ 
prove to yourself what the taste tests just proved. S 
With Windsor, you can’t beat the taste. 4 
And you sure can't beat the price. 


CANADIAN WHISKY-A BLEND - 80 PROOF « IMPORTED AND BOTTLED BY THE WINDSOR DISTILLERY COMPANY. NEW YORK, М.У 1981 NATIONAL DISTILLERS PRODUCTS CO. 


THE PLAYBOY FORUM 


a continuing dialog on contemporary issues between playboy and its readers 


AFTER THE BATTLE 

Only 15 years ago. France was locked 
in a great moral battle over whether or 
mot 10 legalize contraception. The 
Catholic Church. condemned the idea, 
and even the medical community 
opposed. the supplying of birth-control 
information to the public. Recently, 
governmentsponsored birth-control com- 
mercials have been running on television 
with hardly a peep fom anyone and 
with widespread popular approval. The 
messages are very low-key and merely 
advise that family-planning information 
is available at centers around the country 
nd that "contraception is your right,” 
or words to that effect. 

How very sensibly and simply every- 
thing turned out, once the politicians 
and theologians were out of the picture. 
It's hard to imagine now that any 
country could deny its citizens the right 
to birth control. 


René Phillips 
Cherbourg, France 
Don't forget that until fairly recently, 
it was a Federal crime to disseminate 
birth-control information by тай or 
across state lines in the U.S., thanks 10 
the Comstock Act of 1873, which de- 
clared such material obscene. It wasn't 
until 1965 that the U. S. Supreme Court 
finally declared unconstitutional a Con- 
necticut law that flatly prohibited the 
use of contraceptives, cuen by married 
couples. It was Anthony Gomstoc 
practice as a volunteer postal inspector 
10 wrile letters 10 physicians imploring 
them for contraceptive information in 
the name of a fictitious woman whose 
health would not permit another child, 
and then to have any responding doctor 
arrested. 


5 


WHERE ARE THEY NOW? 

From Vietnam to Watergate, when a 
lot of us were considering revolution. 
Government 
ive, I re- 


and the jettisoning of 
grown corrupt and unrespon 
member a great many moderates and 
conservatives piously admonishing the 
adicals: "Ah, well, it’s fine to knock it 
all down, but what have you got to re- 
place it with?” The national welfare and 
the safety of the people were believed to 
require careful analysis, reasonable dis- 
cussion, compromise and gradual reform. 

I recall being enlightened by that 
argument and deciding that it is better 
10 have g with imperfections 
that can be worked on than to have 
nothing at all. 


someth 


I would truly like to know why people 
are not now reiterating that argument 
for the benefit of President Reagan and 
his Cabinet. He has filled all the posi- 
tions in his Adm ion with only 
take aparters and. knockdowners. When 
his people have succeeded in disman: 
ting all of our social programs, our 
environmental protections, our foreign 
commitments and our individual rights, 
nd when they have antagonized our 
enemies and allies alike with their arro- 
gant saber rattling and reduced the 
quality of life for the middle class and 


“At night, before the patient 
goes to bed, have him paste 
a circle of S&H Green 
Stamps on the shaft of his 
detumescent penis. ? 


reduced the poor to medieval serfdom, 
we shall undoubtedly get rid of them. 
But what will we then have to put back 
together again? 


Dylan Ford 
Babylon, New York 


LOW-COST ALTERNATIVE . 

Our small, ти ather isolated hos 
pital has received sales literature for a 
lape-trace recording device called а 
Penile Tumescence Monitor—“Now 
there's a simple, trauma-free method for 
a practitioner to determine—in the of- 
ng the effects 


of organic or psychogenic impotence 
"The equipment also can be taken home 
by the patient, has “dual channel (base 
and head) penile recording” capability 
and, we noted with interest, comes with 
а one-year warranty "except for strain 
gauges." Our laboratory supervisor pol 
ly responded that our local needs did not 
require such equipment and added: 


Necessity is said to be the mother 
of invention, so І pass along to you 
a solution suggested by one of our 
physicians. At night, before the pa- 
tient goes to bed, have him paste a 
circle of S & H Green Stamps on the 
shaft of his detumescent penis, On 
waking, a quick inspection will de- 
termine if the ring of stamps has 
been broken, denoting the occur- 
rence of an Event. The physician 
assures me that from a technical 
standpoint, Blue Chip or Gold Bond 
stamps work as well. In these days 
of cost containment, perhaps the 
foregoing information would be of 
interest to your company as а low- 
budget model. 


(Name withheld by request) 
Lakeview, Oregon 


GAME TIME 

I heard from a friend that there was a 
show on the Christian Broadcasting Net- 
work called Bible Baffle. The m.c. would 
into a [air state and scream out, “For 
му points, where did Lot's wife turn 
into a pi nd so on. Alas, 
I'm not sure the show is still runnin, 
though it might bc in syndication 
some areas. 

Leads me to wonder at the possibility 
of other religious quiz shows, game 
shows, etc. We could have Jesus Jeop- 
ardy, Christ Quest, The Saving Game, 
Moral Majority Match-Up, and so on. 
As we all know, the Lord works in 
mysterious ways. 


R. Davis 
Austin, Texas 


MORE ON MENCKEN 

Н. І. Mencken was indeed a brilliant 
journalist and critic, if less than a lucid 
logician. For example, examine the last 
sentence of the quote supplied by Larry 
Whitcomb in the January Playboy 
Forum. How can the truth or falsity of 
a proposition—in this case spiritual- 
ism—be judged by опе» attitude toward 
its adherents? Should not any idca be 
evaluated on its merits alone without 


57 


PLAYBOY 


58 


resort to admitted prejudice and circular 
reasoning? 

Those who delight in the rhetoric of 
a professional iconoclast would do well 
to remember that such a curmudgeon is 
ldom if ever particular about whose 
‘ons he attempts to smash. Mencken on 
social justic 


The social worker, judging by her 
own pretensions, helps to preserve 
multitudes of persons who would 
perish if left to themselves. Thus 
her work is clearly dysgenic and 
antiso .. she must keep alive 
scores of misfits and incompetents 
who can never. for all her help. pull 
their weight in the boat. Such per- 
sons can do nothing more valuable 
than dying. 


And aga 


If all the Dust 
Bowl were shot tomorrow, and all 
the sharecroppers in the South 
burned at the stake, every decent 
American would be better off, and 
not a soul would miss a meal. 


ners in 


the 


On capital punishment: 


The actual object of punishment 
is simply to get rid of the crim- 
inal.... The easiest and cheapest 
way to deal with Dillingers is to kill 
them. If it be argued that this is 
mere revenge, the answer is pla 
Why not? . If we had 2000 exec 
tions a year in the United States 
instead of 130, there would be an 


immense improvement. 
On race: 
The great problem ahead of 


the United States is that of reduc 
ing the high differential birth rate 


the hillbillies of Appa 
gimme farmers of the 
West, the lintheads of the South 
and the Negroes. 


Middle 


Though Mencken saw through all 
things and thus ended, perhaps, by sec 
very little, he could sec through pal 
pable frauds. The Moral Majority he 
would probably have given no attention, 
except perhaps to have a hearty laugh 
its expense. 

By the way, what did Marty Frankel, 
in the same issue, mean by calling 
Mencken a "son of Philadelphia"? І 
have the notion that he lived all his life 
in Baltim 


Oscar McNew 
Spokane, Washington 


kel seems to be confusing Menck- 
other great iconoclast of 
the 20th Century, W. C. Fields. It was 
Fields who allegedly wanted on his 
headstone, ON THE WHOLE, Гр RATHER ВЕ 
IN PIILADELPHIA. Mencken's origins were 


HAZARDOUS TO HEALTH 

Tokyo— Sex tours have been blamed 
for an increasing number of deaths 
among older Japanese men traveling 
abroad. A Tokyo newspaper quoted a 
travel agent as saying that one "re- 
grettable” factor contributing to the 


problem of tourist fatalities is that 
“more elderly males are going abroad 
on packaged sex tours and breathe 
their last during sexual bouts." 


FUNDS FOR FUN 

SPRINGFIELD, ILLINOIS. 61-year-old 
financial officer for the University of 
Illinois has been accused of spending 
more than $600,000 of the school's 
money unlawfully, much of it on pr 
Hitutes, over a period of five years 
Prosecutors said that 11 Chicago wom- 
en, suspected hookers, received. nearly 
$375,000 in university funds as *month- 
ly consulting fees" and that other sub- 
stantial payments lo a 
Chicago-suburb night club that has 
been under vice-squad surveillance. 


were made 


LEGAL LOOPHOLE 

dismissing prostitu- 
tion charges against a woman employee 
of an adult theater. a local judge de- 
cided that a “hand job” did not con- 
stitute sexual intercourse under the 
law. Police had video-taped the defend- 
ant offering to masturbate a city under- 
cover officer [or fwe dollars. After 
studying the charge, the judge said, 
“There wasn't anything in it that had 
anythi to do with intercourse. Т 
couldn't see that а ‘hand job’ was 


NasH ILLE n 


illegal." 


FORUM NEWSFRONT 


what's happening in the sexual and social arenas 


BOARDWALKERS 

ATLANTIC crty—Local police officials 
caused an uproar in Atlantic City by 
Suggesting that prostitution was be- 
coming impossible to control and 
should be legalized and confined to a 
red-light district. The mayor denounced 
the idea and called for more jail sen- 
tences for prostitutes, and а state 
senator said that the chances of the 
legislature's approving such an idea 
are “between nonexistent and zilch.” 
The city's public safety commissioner 
had been quoted as saying that men and 
women “are born with three biological 
urges: thirst, hunger and sex. And they 
come in that order. We can't legislate 
hunger. We can't legislate thirst. And 
we certainly are not doing a good job 
of trying lo legislate sex.” The chief 
of police had added. "Our men have 
better things to do than chase whore 

Meanwhile, in London, the British 
Home Office has announced that it 
will study the possibility of setting up 
licensed. brothels іп major cities to 
combat street-walking and massage- 
parlor operations. A spokeswoman for 
a prostitutes’ organization said that 
many of the women would oppose such 
а plan because “they feel it would be 
like working in a sex factory.” 


GETTING TOUGH ON DRUGS 

Заў piGo—The U.S. Navy and 
Marine Corps have launched a major 
crackdown on illegal drug use. Service 
officials announced new policies that 
include immediate discharge of officers 
and warrant officers caught with even 
one marijuana cigarette (enlisted per- 
sonnel might be given a second 
chance), summary mail searches for 
contraband and the wider use of 
“sniffer dogs" and urinalysis kits to 
detect drug users. In a filmed speech. 
the chief of naval operations 
the new approach represents “a 180- 
degree turn from the Navy's present 
stance of indifference, passiveness and 
nonresponsibility” toward the drug 
problem and that the new policy stresses 
punishment and discharge for illegal 
drug users, including first offenders 
instead of rehabilitation. The present 
айас on drugs apparently resulted 
from фо! checks indicating 
that nearly half the enlisted personnel 
at the San Diego and Norfolk naval 
bases were using drugs of one 
or another 


said 


earlier 


HARD TIMES 

Police аге encountering more апа 
more elderly people selling drugs to 
supplement their incomes: 

= In Columbus, Ohio, a 74-year-old 
man and his 63-year-old wife were sen- 
fenced to опе to [en years in prison 
after pleading guilty to one couni cach 
of aggravated drug trafficking. Despite 
doctors statements that the couple 
were in poor health, the judge said 
that their probation report had indi 
cated multiple sales of drugs to minors 
and had convinced him he should 
"ship them . . . send Іст... no ifs, 
апаў or buts.” 

+ In Santa Paula, California, a 75- 
year-old man has been charged with 
cultivating marijuana after police 
found 245 young pot plants growing 
in two storage sheds near his house. 
He reportedly explained that he had 
been selling gopher traps to supple- 
his Social Security checks but 
decided that marijuana would be more 
profitable. 

= In Sevierville, Tennessee, an 52. 
year-old grandmother was fined $2 
and given a suspended sentence for 
selling pot after admitting in court 
that her mother, 98, had warned her 


ment 


that she would get in trouble. After 
handing down the sentence, the judge 
ordered the defendant to go home and 
tell her mother that she was sorry and 
would mend her ways. The woman's 
20-year-old grandson didn’t fare so 
well, receiving two consecutive one- 
to-five-year sentences for the crime of 
selling marijuana. 


RECORD POT CROP 
Domestic mari- 
juana growers harvested a record 
8.2-billion-dollar crop during 1981, ac- 


WASHINGTON, D.C. 


cording to estimates by the National 
Organization for the Reform of Mari- 
juana Laws (NORML). That figure is 
twice the 1980 estimate and would 
make pot the nation's fourth most 
valuable farm product, after corn, soy- 
beans and wheat, NORML national 
director George Farnham мий the 
value was theoretical in that most 
home growers supply only themselves 
and their friends. He noted that the 
total number of pot busts im 1980 
remained about the same as for the 
previous year—342,000—but arrests for 
cultivation and sale had increased by 
more than 25 percent lo a total of 
63,300. 


PORN DECISIONS 

WASIINGTON, 0. Ruling їп sep- 
arate cases, the U.S. Supreme Court 
has declared that theaters and book- 
stores cannot be closed down until the 
material they're accused of selling has 
been legally found obscene, but then it 
held that such a finding may be made 
on the “preponderance of evidence” 
standard used in ci 
than the “beyond a reasonable doubt” 
standard that applies in criminal trials. 
The first decision struck down a Wash- 
ington slate law permitting the closure 
of adult establishments pending trial, 
which the Court found to constitute 
unconstitutional prior censorship. The 
second decision makes obscenity con- 
viclions much easier to obtain and may 
be a hoon to efforts at censorship. In 
а third ruling, the High Court refused 
to hear the appeals of three men con- 
vicled in 1976 of distributing the 
movie “Deep Throat” in 
commerce, despite defense arguments 
that the Government deliberately chose 
to prosecute (he. charges in Memphis 
rather than іп another city more 
tolerant of sex films. That decision 
essentially upheld the “community 
standards” test of obscenity and the 
argument of Government lawyers that 
"if someone embarks upon a wide- 
ranging criminal venture, then he takes 
his chances as to where he might be 
prosecuted.” 


il actions rather 


interstate 


CHURCH AND STATE 

WASHINGTON, D.C.—State colleges and 
universities cannot ban student groups 
from using campus facilities for reli- 
gious purposes, the U. S. Supreme Court 
has ruled. In a case involving the 
University of Missouri at Kansas City, 
the Justices held eight to one that such 
а ban violated students right of free 
speech and that “an open forum in a 
public university does nol confer any 
imprimatur of state approval on reli- 


gious sects or practices.” 


MODERN-DAY DEMONS 

Religious news from around the 
country: 

+ In Riverside, California, a 25-year- 
old man has been accused of roasting 
his five-month-old daughter on the grill 
of a floor furnace in order to rid his 
house of demons. Police entered the 
house to find a stack of Bibles smolder- 
ing on the grill and the girl's body 
nearby. 

+ In Danbury. Connecticut, a jury 
deliberated 20 hours before finding a 
19-year-old man guilty of a reduced 
charge of manslaughter in the stabbing 
death of his landlord. The defense 


argued unsuccessfully for acquittal on 
the grounds that the man was possessed 
by demons al the time of the killing 

+ In Phoenix, Arizona, police said 
that a retarded handyman “apparently 
became obsessed” watching religious 
programs on a borrowed TV for three 
days before he went berserk, killed his 
dog and shot a neighbor to death. He 
was killed by police when he pointed 
his gun at an officer. 


STASHED CASH 

SPARKS, xExADA— The bail money 
thal a prisoner took [rom its hiding 
place in his rectum caused a flap in 
the Sparks municipal court when no 
one wanted 10 accept it or even touch 
it. A local judge took the matter 10 the 
city altorney, who issued the following 
memo to police and court bailiffs: “In 
my opinion, the City of Sparks is obli- 
gated to accept the money as bail, 
but no employee is required to iouch 
the contaminated money. In cases like 
this, the prisoner should fully unfold 
and count out the appropriate amount 
of money and place it in a clear plastic 
bag, if one is available.” 


59 


PLAYBOY 


іп а somewhat more Southerly direction 
WHEN YOU LIKE YOUR COLOGNE COMFORTABLE, AND EASY TO WEAR, ТИЯ 
and it was not for nothing that Mencken 
was known as the Sage of Baltimore and 
a constant champion of “the Maryland 
Free State.” 
Mencken's reputation these days is as 
a liberal. He would have cringed at that. 
He was a conservative, an agnostic and. 
above all, a social critic who could flail 
in all directions. He was capable of 
describing the music of Johann Sebastian 
Bach as “Genesis 1:1" and of defining 
an archbishop as “one who has attained 
on this earth a rank superior to that of 
Jesus Christ.” But his most famous com- 
ment could easily apply to the Moral 
Majority: "No one ever went broke 
underestimating the taste of the Ameri- 
can public.” 


Harry Hope 
Columbia, South Carolina 


MORAL MAJORITY 
I hope the “Rally Round the 
letter in the December Playboy Forum 
is tongue in cheek. If it’s not, or even if 
it is, it reflects a dangerous you're-so- 
foolish-you-can’t- possibly do-any-damage 
attitude toward the Moral Majority. 
lot of good and decent people in Ger- 
many thought the same about Hitler 
and the Nazis in the early Thirties. Re- 
member, the Nazis didn't seize power, 
they were elected. because, though they 
were an extremist minority, they were 
highly organized and well disciplined 


NOT SINCE Mora arity is a highly effective 


pressure group that raises more mor 
THE GUNS OF NAVARONE... |: s mn ie icr Cl 


Liberties Union does in a year. Unless 


NOT SINCE people recognize the need to get organ- 
WHERE EAGLES DARE ized, it is not inconceivable that we find 
пип ourselves where the Germans did in 1938 

NOT SINCE or where the Americans did during the 


McCarthy era —in the middle of 
ICE STATION ZEBRA... Ho E 


While Moral Majority is hardly a 


...has Alistair MacLean written a story majority, it comes dangerously close to 
of such power... functioning as such. It has unseated 
about men so ruthless... members of Congress, and it is pull 


ing books off library shelves all over the 
country. And its llag isn’t some Rev 
olutionary War relic; it is the American 
flag, and thats what makes the М.М. so 
dangerous, 


of consequences 
so utterly devastating. 


ALISTAIR 
MacLean 
ATHaBasca 


The International 
Bestseller 
Finally in Paperback 


$350 [FAWCETT 


Justin Crocker 
Burlington, Vermont 


Not that I want to minimize the dan- 
ger of the new moral right, but I think 
it’s interesting that increasing numbers 
of politicians, commentators, theologians 
and other public figures seem finally to 
be discovering that the power of the 
religious fundamentalists has been some- 
what overstated by their leaders and 
overrated by the press. At first, only a 
few professional liberals valiantly geared 
up to do battle with the Falwellians 
who for a time seemed to inhabit 
even the White House. Gradually, even 


conservative columnists and respected re- 
ligious leaders began to express alarm 
at the theocratic fascism hiding behind 
the cross of Jesus. But I don't believe it 
was until Senator Barry Goldwater had 
the courage to denounce these Goons 
for God publicly as essentially un- 
American that political and journalistic 
communities decided that maybe they 
weren't omnipotent after all. A recent 
issue of Newsweek reports that Repub- 
licans are beginning to consider an 
endorsement by the Reverend Falwell 
nearly a kiss of death, apparently be- 
cause more and more voters are recog- 
nizing him as a dangerous fanatic. They 


PRISON PEN PALS 

Over the years, The Playboy Fo- 
rum ha 
about how citizens can get involved 
in writing to prisoners through Pris- 
on Pen Pals. The Playboy Founda- 
tion likewise has generously helped 
and we could never repay its kind- 
ness and involvement. This is a letter 
to say thanks. 

The program began about seven 
years ago. when local newspapers 
sought a way to handle the volume 
of mail they were receiving from 
prisoners wanting to hear from any- 
body outside. These were desperately 
loncly men and women and some- 
thing needed to be done. Since the 
р! in. we have matched 
nearly 500,000 citizens and prisoncrs. 
This is staggering to me in retrospect, 
yet it was done at one time with 
volunteer help entirely 

We appr 


s published a number of items 


he; 


€ the continued sup- 
port of the Playboy Foundation and 
the really sincere interest you folks 
have always shown. 
Lou Torok, Director 
Prison Pen Pal Program 
100 East E th Street 
Cincinnati, Ohio 15202 


may share his moral values and his con 
cern for the condition of the country, 
but they seem to perceive him as a threat 
to the one thing they still cherish— 
personal freedom 
(Name withheld by request) 
Dallas, Texas 


Levs not be too quick to breathe a sigh 
of relief as we learn of gross exaggera- 
tions of audience numbers by the TV 
evangelists (The Playboy Forum. Novem- 
ber). Their diminished ranks may well 
reduce to zero their effect upon such 
measuring systems as the Nielsen ratings, 
but the likes of Jerry Falwell and his 
video brethren depend not upon with- 
drawn viewers to force programing exec 
utives to excise [rom the screen such 
material as they deem offensive but upon 
the ever-potent threat of sponsor boycott 

The monetary loss they can unleash 


а 


BRAINS 
OVER 
BRAWN. 


Nothing this easy should look 
this gobd. Yet, in minutes, 
Simoniz? Poly Glaze restores a 
“just-waxed” shine to any 
waxed or polycoated 

finish. Just spray it on, 

wipe it off, to replace 

surface polymers 

worn away by 

weatherrzig. 

It's positively 

brilliant. 


LECTRIC SHAVE 
MAKES YOUR BRISTLES STAND UP 
FOR A CLOSER ENES 


Lectric Shave is putting its money where your 
face is. Here's the deal: apply Lectric Shave’ to 
one side of your face. Then use your electric 
razor. Compare the Lectric Shave side with the. 
dry side. The Lectric Shave side should feel 
closer, smoother. That's because Lectric 
Shave makes your beard stand up. So you 
shave closer, faster, with less irritation 


TT 


61 


PLAYBOY 


62 


april fool! 


By STEVEN J. J. WEISMAN 


Ronald Reagan's Economic Recoy- 
ery Tax Act of 1981 may have re- 
duced the “marriage penalty,” but it 
didn't do much for people li 
together. Just how taxing that rel 
tionship is depends on the state 
which you live. Not long ago, in 
North Carol representative of 
that terrorist organization the IRS 
disallowed a dependency deduction 
for a 21-year-old woman living with 
taxpayer who was assessed a $128 tax 
deficiency. The disallowance was 
based on the IRS's conclusion that 
the relationship between the taxpayer 
and the young woman violated the 
North Carolina law prohibiting lewd- 
and ivious cohabitation. After los- 
ing in the tax court, the taxpayer 
appealed to the United States Court 
of Appeals, where he lost again. In 
its unfavorable ruling, the Court be- 
gan by saying that the United States 
Supreme Court has traditionally be- 
lieved that the regulation of marriage 
and domestic affairs (although not of 
affairs) was best left to the individual 
states. So, in applying the tax laws, 
the IRS defers to state laws do- 
mestic matters. The appeals court felt 
that the intention of the North 
Carolina law, when read with the In- 
ternal Revenue Code, was to disallow 
dependency deduction for the “part- 
ner” of a taxpayer when the people 
were living together in violation of 
the laws of the state in which they 
liv 

Leaving this deduction up to local 
law brings about different results in 
different states. California, for exam- 
ple. repealed in 1975 all its laws 
prohibiting sexual ty between 
unmarried consen dults. So a 
taxpayer living in California with an 
unmarried companion may well be 
allowed the tax deduction, while our 
North Carolinian was not. 

In his defense, our taxpayer 


чей 


that the North Carolina lewd-and- 


lascivious statute was unconstitution- 
ally vague and therefore he could not 
predict how it applied to him. The 


appeals court declared that what the 
statute prohibits is “more or less ha- 
bitual intercourse.” It does not, the 
court said, prohibit “a single or occa- 
sional sex act." The court did sw 
however, that "repcated sex acts with- 
in a period of several weeks may be 
found to be the habiti intercourse” 
that violates the statute. Although 
precise guidelines as to permissible 
amounts of intercourse have not yet 
been set, perhaps the North Carolina 
courts will set them soon and save 
the people of that state from further 
confusion as to how often they may 
make love without being lewd and 
lascivious, tax deductions or no. 

A different result was reached in a 
recent Missouri case. There. a woman 
taxpayer disputed the $150 assessed 
against her by the IRS when it re- 
fused to allow a deduction for the 
man with whom she lived. Again, 
the key to the case was the question 
of what is lewd and lascivious, since 
whether the deduction would be al- 
lowed here, as in the North Carolina 
case, hinged on whether the cohabit: 
tion violated state law. The Missouri 
lewd-and-lascivious statute says that 
"every person who shall live in 
of open and notorious adultery, 
n and woman, one or both 
m arc marricd and not to cach. 
who shall lewdly and lascivious- 
bide and cohabit with the other, 
and every person, married or unmar- 
d, who shall be guilty of open 
gross lewdness or lascivious behavior 
or of any open and notorious act of 
public indecency, grossly scandalous, 
shall, on conviction, be adjudged 
lty of a misdemeanor.” Despite 
this exhaustive if not downright e: 
hausting statute, the judge in Мі 
souri found that the law did not 
prohibit unmarried men and women 
from living together  and—praise 
be!—allowed the deduct 


on. 


Steven Weisman is an Amherst, 
Massachusetts, attorney and writer of 
the syndicated newspaper column 
“You and the Law.” 


against sponsors of unacceptable pro- 

is still a loss, and motivated by 
old-fashioned profit, the manufacturers 
of Dipso Toilet Paper may well be 
intimidated. 

The weight of numbers may, indeed, 
be with the more rational among us, but 
the responsibility also exists to demon- 
strate our interests and concerns as vocal- 
ly as do the evangelical minority. Being 
a "silent majority" won't work this time. 

Tohn L. Byrne 
Evanston, Illinois 

How true. But the more our much- 
publicized TV preachers claim, the more 
they come under statistical scrutiny and 
the sillier they look. According to the 
Media Industry Newsletter, the novelty 
is evidently gone and eight of the top- 
ten TV preachers аге showing audience 
losses. Jerry Falwell is the biggest loser, 
down 16.8 percent between May 1980 
and Мау 1981. M.LN. says that all the 
TV ministries combined reach only 5.6 
percent of the U. S. population. 


OKIE DOPERS 
The following story from the Dallas 


Morning News Service may amuse your 


readers who remember the famous 
Merle Haggard song Okie from 
Muskoge 


MUSKOGEE, OKLAHOMA—Marijuana 
is growing as high as an elephant's 
eye in the eastern third of Okla- 
homa, casting an cver-widening shad- 
ow over the heart of the Bible 
Belt. Law-enforcement officials said 
the problem is so serious. . . . 


Obviously, it’s time for a little update 
on Merle. 

“We don't smoke marijuana in Mus- 
Корее." Well, maybe a little; but most 
of it we ship to our friends and neigh- 
bors around the country. 

“We don't take our trips on LSD.” 
Hell, no. Mostly, we use vans and rental 
trucks. 
nd so forth. Seems to me that wh 
ne weed farming comes to ОК 
homa, the authorities ought to acknowl- 
edge defeat of pot prohi art 
approaching the problem with a bit of 
common sense. 


on and 


me withheld by request) 
Tulsa, Oklahoma 


COCAINE CLASSIFICATION 

Since cocaine prohibition began in 
1914 with the Harrison Act, cocaine has 
been called rcotic and sified with. 
opium, heroin and morphine as a dan- 
gerous drug. Even Government experts 
agree that cocaine is not a stupelying 
narcotic, and, finally, Circuit Judge 
Norman Baguley of Michigan's Lapeer 
County ruled that “the statutory cl 
fication of cocaine along with heroin 
and other narcotic drugs for purposes of 
punishment is irrational and denies 


si- 


equal protection of the laws." Thus. the 
defendant in that case, Samuel Taor 
mina, will face a maximum term of im 
prisonment of seven years rather than 
the mandatory life sentence for possess 
ing a large quantity of cocaine. Judge 
Baguley based his decision on the Ili- 
nois Court of Appeals case People vs 
McCarty. Y testified as the expert in 
both cases, as well as in the original 
Massachusetts vs. Richard Miller 
which was supported by PrAYmov and 
which first declared the cocaine/narcotic 
classification unconstitutional. But high 
er courts have not agreed. The Illinois 
decision now has been reversed by that 
state's supreme court and Michigan will 


case, 


DRAFT COUNSELING | 

Two years ago. The Playboy Forum 
published our letter advising Gls of 
our counseling service, and since 
them, we've received more than 400 
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indi 
your magazine. I am writing to you 
once again 10 announce а new service 
We now provide draft counseling for 
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or a 


appeal the Taormina decision. As it 
stands now, the most dangerous aspect 
of cocaine use is getting caught and 
suffering the criminal penalties for a 
narcotic offense. 


Ronald K. Siegel, Ph.D. 
Los Angeles, Californi 


ABORTION 
With respect to the nutty bill by 


which Congress is supposed to speak for 
God, the Catholic Church and the Moral 
Majority on the origins of life, all 


1 think of are the words of my dear de- 
parted father. On the occasion of his 
10th birthday, he looked straight into 
my 12year-old eyes, took a long suck 
from a bottle of beer, grinned and said, 

Life begins at 40!" 

I know it's an old saying, but it's 
no more arbitrary than the nonsense 
coming from our preachers and. politi 
dans. Just look around and you'll see 
plenty of fetuses in their teens, 20s and 
30s who should be aborted, Let's make 


th the exciting. 
isco. Evel 


у oning stirs 101 
Easy listent eit 
vestern. Ji 
ryand wes г 

A bit of sound advice mode 


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63 


PLAYBOY 


64 


age 40 the cutoff point for viability (now 
that I'm 42). 


пе withheld by request) 
Orlando, Florida 
FETUS FANATICS 

The abortion battle is not 
fought over zygotes, embryos and fetuses; 
in truth, it’s a holy war between oppos- 
ing philosophies of life. To antiabor- 
tionists, the villains are the “secular 
humanists” who do not hold man to be 
a creature of or bound by the will of a 
Supreme Being. Secular social welfare 
and personal sel-fulfillment are the only 
purposes these hum: 
existence. That is totally contradictory 
to the Christian ethic that holds man- 
kind to have a higher purpose than life 
on earth and that accepts on faith what 
cannot be understood by feeble human 


being 


ists see in human 


As an articulate philosophy, secular 
humanism has been dead as a mackerel 
for many years; it existed by that name 
mainly as a somewhat faddish intellec- 
tual exercise calculated to rile the eccle- 
siastical authorities and stuffy moralists. 
By any objective measure, humanists 
have always been far more “moral” than 
Christians, because they judge all actions 
by their tangible good effect on other 
human beings and on society in gene 
To Christians, morality is measured ac 
cording to obedience to the supposed 
will of an elusive God renowned for 
operating in “mysterious ways” that defy 
all logic and common sense. 

If the humanist is by nature tolerant 
of the peculiarities and nonconfor 
of his fellow man, the Christian is by 
duty required to stamp them out in the 
name of the One True Faith. Such a 


mentality is theocratic, totalitarian and 
politically dangerous to the democratic 
form of government 
L. L. Souchon 
Baltimore, Maryland 


Contrary to the suggestions of some of 
your readers, І don't think the anti- 
abortionists are "antisex" at all. І would 
guess that they are, in fact. preoccupied 
with sex and have raised it to thc levcl 
of either a holy sacrament or а mortal 
sin. depending on whether or mot cer- 
tain rules and rituals are followed. For 
this reason, they are extremely resentful 
of people who don't share their values 
and who even mock those values by 
ng in sex casually at any oppor- 
tunity, with little regard for ceremony 
or consequences. The most obvious con 
sequence of sex is pregnancy, which 


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becomes the natural and logical punish- 
ment for immoral behavior. Abortion 
must be opposed becausc it so con- 
veniently evades that punishment. 

Marc Hanbery 

Salt Lake City, Utah 


NATURAL SELECTION 

After watching an uncut version of 
The Deer Hunter on local television, 
two young men in the Chicago area 
decided to imitate the Russian-roulette 
scenes and managed to lose. That caused 
a bit of a flap, especially since а psychia- 
trist had been warning the station and 
the newspapers that the film had already 
inspired 25 or so similar deaths around 
the country. For the family members, of 
course, those deaths were foolish and 
tragic. But look at the bright side. Any 
idiot who is inspired by a movie to blow 
his brains out in a ridiculously lethal 


stunt probably didn't have many brains 
to begin with and should not be passing 
his genes along to any offspring. The 
country already has enough fools run- 
ning around loose endangering them- 
selves and others. Anybody who does 
himself in playing Russian roulette can 
be written off to "natural selection in 
action." 

(Name withheld by request) 

Wilmette, Illinois 


BEVERLY HILLBILLIES 

Beverly Hills has an exclusive new 
club for the Beautiful People. It’s not a 
plush country club, a private disco or a 
roller rink, either. Believe it or not, 
Hollyweird has finally decided to become 
armed and dangerous 

It's called the Beverly Hills Gun Club 
and, of course, the dues may be a little 
out of reach of your average М.К.) 


member. It offers the latest in target- 
range robotics, big-screen video, a chess 
d backgammon room, a rooftop res- 
taurant and, of course, exclusivity. 

In the age of Hinckley and Chap- 
man and weirdos aplenty, it's easy to 
understand the motivation. I only wish 
they had called the place Studio 38. 

B. Kerstetter 
Ontario, California 

Is it B.Y.O.B., as in Bring Your Own 

Bullets? 


"The Playboy Forum" offers the 
opportunity for an extended dialog 
between readers and editors of this 
publication on contemporary issues. Ad- 
dress all correspondence to The Playboy 
Forum, Playboy Building, 919 North 
Michigan Avenue, Chicago, Шіпоё 60611. 


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SU A уса 


umore EDWARD KOCH 


a candid conversation with new york’s outspoken mayor about city blights, 
schmucks and wackos, anti-semitism, bachelorhood and life in the big apple 


Some time before New York City's 
mayoral clection last fall, New Yorkers 
ere treated to a widely publicized 
press photo. Hizzoner Ed Koch was seen 
loping across the Egyptian desert astride 
а camel, his famous smile framed by a 
burnoose flutiering in the wind—indeed, 
looking for all the world like Koch of 
Arabia. Shortly thereafter, while cam- 
paigning for re-election, Koch made an 
appearance al the Central Park zoo and 
reporters wanted to know about his by- 
now famous ride. A TV reporter asked if 
hizzoner would now consider repeating 
the stunt, only this time with a nearby 
caged Bengal tiger. Koch paused, looked 
for an instant at the animal and then 
turned back, his smile still in place. “The 
mayor is not а coward,” he intoned. 
“But neither is the mayor а schmuck! 

Another time, Koch was dedicating а 
new shopping center. Adept al work- 
ing an audience, he seemed to have the 
crowd with him. Suddenly, a black mem- 
ber of the racially mixed group shouted, 
“We want John Lindsay!" Again Koch 
paused, to reflect on the reference to the 
former mayor, whose “liberal” adminis- 
tration Koch blames for many of the 
city’s present troubles. Then he peered 


“I want the middle class to know they 
have a friend in City Hall, that when 
people mocked them in the Sixties, they 
were wrong. The middle class was righi! 
Honesty, industriousness, all of it!” 


at the audience: “Everybody who wants 
Lindsay back, raise your hands,” he com- 
manded. A few hands went up. Koch 
leaned forward and bellowed: “Dum- 
mies!” The audience cheered. 

Such stories characte New York 
City’s Edward Irving Koch. Recently re- 
elected by an overwhelming majority, 
Koch has been credited with saving the 
nation's most celebrated city from bank- 
rupley when only four of America's 
larger cities have managed to remain 
solvent. А major accomplishment, cer- 
tainly; but his flamboyant and uniquely 
outspoken style attracts as much atten- 
tion nationally as his fiscal policies. For 
Roger Rosenblatt оў Time, he is New 


Yorks "mut uncle,” his entire being 
“fused with the life of his lunatic 
city. . . . Koch can be brave, hilarious, 


generous, protective, occasionally gri 
cious and more rarely, touching.” He is 
the consummate showman, the master of 
welltimed one-liners, who, for The New 
cs, has “defied enough conven- 
tional wisdom to fill a textbook." With 
his readiness 10 excoriate the “wackos,” 
"richies" and “‘schmucks,” Koch does 
nol suffer fools gladly. Bul at the sane 
time, he prides himself on being a man 


“Regarding the line that the American 
Jewish community is part of some Israeli 
loblby—well, so what? Why shouldn't we 
defend Israel? What should we do, go 
to the gas chambers silently?” 


of the people, ready to listen to his con- 
stituents in movie lines, on street corners 
and at subway stops. He refuses to mince 
his words, even referring lo himself as 
Mayor Mouth. He has provoked unions 
and management, blacks and whites. 
Jews and gentiles, while still retaining 
enough support to have run for re-clec- 
tion last fall with the endorsement of 
both the Democratic and the Republican 
Parties. That he won with the largest 
margin in the city's history is the stuff of 
political legend. 

Humor, irreverence and chutzpah all 
add to the folklore surrounding 
Koch. Still, there is the man's keen sei 
of Realpolitik: Even his most ardent 
critics will acknowledge his real accom- 
plishments. While other urban mayors 
have been bowed by inflation and Fed- 
eral cutbacks, Koch has determinedly 
stuck to his guns as a born-again fiscal 
conservalive and has managed to get 
New York City out of the red. Once a 
free-spending liberal Democrat in Con- 
gress, he now boasts of having rebuilt 
the city's lax base. Although he inherited 
а $712,000,000 deficit in January 1978, 
when he first took office, Koch's policies 
produced a budget surplus in 1981, the 


>— 
PHOTOGRAPHY BY VERNON L. SMITH 


a "New York is very appreciative that the 


rest of the country helped us when we 
were on our ass. We were chastened, and 
therës a civility today in this cily that 
wasn't here before.” 


67 


PLAYBOY 


68 


first in 15 years. So, too, in January 
1978, Wall Street had rescinded the city's 
bond rating. Through a successful lobby- 
ing effort, the new mayor extended Fed- 
eral loan guarantees, and in 1980, years 
ahead of the financial community's fore- 
casts, he achieved an investment-grade 
rating for the city's municipal bonds, 
which restored New York's ability to 
raise capital for the repair of its physical 
plant without relying on Federal and 
state supports. Koch also began to bar- 
Sain with municipal unions “at arm's 
length” and assiduously trimmed person- 
nel from the city payroll. By wooing 
industry, he also spurred construction— 
so much so that the dollar value of new 
commercial space has increased nearly 
sixfold since 1977, with a corresponding 
increase of 120,000 jobs in the private 
sector, as compared with a loss of 600,000 
jobs during the previous cight years. 

But not everyone loves Ed Koch. 
Among New York's traditionally liberal 
movers and shakers, there are those who 
claim that the improvements Koch 
boasts of having accomplished were at 
the expense of the poor, specifically at 
the expense of minorities. Koch, with 
characteristic bluniness, has indeed op- 
posed racial quotas and busing; he has 
denounced “poverticians” and “poverty 
pimps” in the course of revamping the 
city's poverty agencies; and he has also 
opposed, in favor of slum rehabilitation, 
low-cost public housing in middle-class 
neighborhoods. Openly, unabashedly, he 
boasts of being the champion for the 
middle class, which has led more than a 
few observers to charge that he has for- 
saken his “liberal” roots. 

And indeed, Koch's background would 
suggest a liberal calling. Вот іп the 
Bronx on December 12, 1924, Ed Koch 
was one of three children of Polish- 
Jewish immigrants. His father, Louis, 
lost his fur business in the Depression 
and moved the family to ? 
Jersey. They all went to work in a cater- 
ing hall owned by а relative. By 1941, 
the Koch family had resettled in Brook- 
lyn, and Ed enrolled in City College 
Two years later, at the age of 19, he 
joined the Army, saw combat and then 
was posled to Bavaria as а “de-Nazifica- 
lion" specialist. Returning home, he 
carned his law degree at New York 
University Law School and soon went 
into private practice. 

Koch's political debut came in 1952, 
when he campaigned for Democratic 
Presidential nominee Adlai Stevenson on 
street corners—flag, soapbox апа all. 
When he moved to Greenwich Vill 
in 1956, he became involved in liberal 
reform polities, the high point of which 
was his ousting of Democratic district 
leader Carmine DeSapio, famous as one 
of the most powerful “machine bosses" 
in New York City. 


In 1964, Koch spent his vacation 
defending civil rights workers in. Missi 
sippi. In 1968, he became a U.S. Con- 
gressman, winning the seat once held by 
then-mayor John Lindsay, even though 
Lindsay had refused to endorse him. 
Settled in Washington, D.C., Koch т 
turned 10 New York City every week to 
greel voters al subway stations. “Ною "т 
1 doing?" he asked over and over again. 
It was the line he had made famous, 
delivered always with an appealing grin, 
and his identity soon became fixed in 
the minds of New Yorkers. He ran for 
mayor for the first time in 1973 but 
abandoned his bid carly for lack of 
funds. In November 1976, he again de- 
clared himself а candidate for mayor. 
Again, Koch was the underdog. But by 
the time the returns were counted, he 
had triumphed, beating his closest oppo- 
nent, Mario Cuomo, by a scant 125,000 
voles. But running for re-election last 
fall, he was no longer the underdog. For 
the first time in his political career, he 
was considered а shoo-in. His famous 


"Have you ever lived 
in the suburbs? It’s 
sterile, it’s nothing, it’s 
wasting your life.” 
— 


"How “т I doing?" was answered wilh a 
resounding 76 percent majority. 

When vrAvnov decided to plumb the 
Koch personality, we asked free-lance 
wriler Peter Monso to conduct the inler- 
view. Manso was one of the principal 
brain trusters of the highly unorthodox 
Norman Mailer-Jimmy Breslin mayoral 
campaign in 1968, which he subsequent- 
ly chronicled in Ins book, “Running 
Against the Machine.” Manso reports: 

“I went in with the assumption that 
Koch would be open, voluble and true 
to his nickname, ‘Eddie the Lip." Wrong. 
No sooner had we gotten going than it 
became clear that the man is a master—a 
professional even among politicians—at 
parrying the press. When he doesn't 
mince his words, he knows why he's 
doing it. Part of the smoke screen is 
charm—and Ed Koch is undeniably a 
charming man. Part of it is his insistence 
that his candor and outspokenness make 
him different from the usual politician. 
But І couldn't help being reminded of 
Phil Silvers’ Sergeant Bilko, who naively 
rifles the cards, asking, ‘What is this 
game, pok-ere?’—then scoops up all the 
winnings. 

“In many respects, Koch plays it close 


to the vest, despite his flamboyance. Part 
of it is that his energy—some would call 
him а whirling dervish—does keep 
people at arm's length. He has an un- 
canny ability to withstand repeated 
probing, almost as if somewhere along 
the line, he's realized he can outlast most 
questioners. And, yes, there's the other 
device, which 1 can only call ‘street 
smarts'—the famous Koch mixture of 
abruptness, shtick humor and lack of 
decorum. 

“The mayor's commitment is singular, 
his allegiance solely 10 what he regards 
as his city. He is New York's greatest 
booster, and over the course of our sev- 
eral weekends’ taping, my strategy was 
to loop back, returning to such touchy 
issues as New York's crime vate and hor- 
rendous mass-transportation problem in 
the hope that he might admit to doubt. 
There was a lol of interrupting, laugh- 
ing and occasional yelling as I tried lo 
persuade him, or provoke him, to com- 
ment on the difficulties of living in a big 
city today. 

“But, no, Ed Koch remained adamani: 
New York is terrific, second only to 
Xanadu. And despite our banter, or per- 
haps because of it, I realized that in a 
certain. respect, hizzoner was indeed an 
emblem of the city. He can be brutal. 
decisive, sentimental, angry and obses- 
sively loyal. He emerges as а man with 
an opinion on everything (іп his next 
life, he may become a New York cabby), 
ranging from what hc sces as growing 
anti-Semitism in U. S. foreign policy to 
the all-important question of whether 
New York City is livable. Is he consist- 
ent? Like а tack, and I have no doubt 
that Mayor Ed Koch will remain in City 
Hall for just as long as he wants. That, 
or for as long as the country at large 
allows New Yorkers to keep him as their 
private trophy.” 


New York City, 
у : 1 headlines and. arc 
probably best known for your blunt 
candor and outspokenness. Why, then, 
as we begin our fist interview se 
do you have two advisors at your side 
and your own tape recorder running? 
KOCH: Simple. I don't want there to bc 
any question as to what was said. We 
lways have а member of our press май 
t inu s. although we don't alway 
use a tape recorder. On several occasions 
reporters have made major errors or 
matters affecting the city, which they 
then had to correct when we produced 
the tape. Its never secret, however, and 
just as you're using onc, І prefer it that 
way. 

PLAYBOY: You represent New York and 
you don’t want the city misquoted. is 
that it? 

KOCH: Yeah, I think so. I don't want it to 


pierre са 


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H 
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For the name of your nearest Pierre Cardin retailer, write: Intercontinental Apparel, Inc.. 888 Seventh Avenue, New York, NY 10106. 69 


PLAYBOY 


70 


sound smug. but I've become identified 
with New York, and I think people like 
me and I think they like New York. A 
mayor can be a downer or an upper. I 
think I'm an upper. But І won't dis- 
semble or deceive. I may remain mute 
on a subject. I don't have to offer myself 
to the caldron. But if I say something, I 


I first became mayor. it used to 
upset people; it drove my advisors crazy. 
They would have preferred more am- 
biguity, so I wouldn't ruffle so many 
feathers, but now they see it as a 
strength, not a liability. The important 
factor—what voters see іп me—is in- 
tellectual honesty, meaning that І say 
exactly what І believe, even when it's not 
popular. I say it privately and publicly. 
PLAYBOY: Which you claim accounts for 
your popularity among the voters, your 
recent landslide re-election. All that 
would suggest a decidedly high opinion 
of the electorate. 

KOCH: What do you think I'm sayi 
got more than 75 percent of the vote. A 
major part was my honesty, of course. In 
thc past, Гус admitted that maybe І 
ought to take tact lessons, which is a flip 
way of saying І don't have a bedside 
manner. І talk to all people exactly the 
same. Most politicians don't believe in 
this. They assume voters want pie-in-the- 
sky promises. but I've always worked on 
the premise that there's this extraordi- 
пагу common sense out there. That was 
the slogan of my campaign: “Common 
sense.” My opponents said to the voters, 
“Ask yourself the question that Reagan 
asked when he ran against Carter: ‘Are 
you better off today than you were four 
ars ago? " But the voters in New York 
knew that wasn't the proper question. It 
was me who found the proper questions: 
"Did Koch get the biggest bang for the 
buck? Did he do the best possible with 
the reduced dollars available or 
there someone who could have done it 
betterz" 
PLAYBOY: How much of the attention is 
paid to you and how much to the city 
itself? 

KOCH: Рсоріс arc interested in New York 
and they're interested in me for wh 
ever it is І add to it. But if it weren't 
me, there'd be attention paid because it's 
New York City. The place has a mys- 
tique. It's the largest city in the country. 
the city the newspapers report on. 
Things happen here that get attention; 
they're ignored. There's a 
sense of mystery. danger, all the things 
ty, with its 
ople. It's so varied, so е 
61, Barry Goldwater made a 
remark that I think he now regrets, 
namely, that if it were possible, he 
would saw off the Eastern. Seaboard— 
meaning, basically, New York City—and 
ship it back to Europe. Obviously, he 


was referring to the foreign influences 
here, the fact that we're made up of so 
different groups. And it’s that very 
diversity, those differences, that so i 
trigue people. 
PLAYBOY: But you 
people regard 
even though they may be fasci 
it? 

KOCH: It's а love-hate relationship, and 
depending upon the moment in time, it 
a 


е aware that many 
New York as а cesspool, 
ed by 


shifts. From 1975 to 1978, there was 
1 love. Now 


lot more hate tha 
think it's turned 
the Democratic Convention of 1976, 
when the Texas delegation held up its 
WE LOVE NEW YORK sign. The Bicenter 
nial. with its tall ships. helped as well. 
І think Гус contributed to the positive 


energy. too, and it’s a sense that the city 
isn’t standing still. This is what people 


tell me and F accept it. 
PLAYBOY: Even though according to the 
census, almost. 1,000,000 people left the 
city between 1970 and 1980? 

KOCH: Uh-huh, and they're coming back. 
How do І know? My sister came back 
two years ago. The middle class left be- 
cause they had the wherewithal to leave 
and the services were deterioi 
that the services are improving. they're 
coming back. They found that they had 
traded deterioration for a sterile environ- 
ment in the suburbs. 

PLAYBOY: And they're prepared to put up 
with the dirt, the crime and the incon- 
venience? 

KOCH: Sure. Have you ever lived in the 
suburbs? I haven't, but I've talked to 
people who have. and it's sterile. It's 
nothing, it's wasting your life, And 
people do not wish to waste their lives 
once they've seen New York! І think 
we've gone through enormous changes, 


especially a change in outlook. Remem- 
ber. under Lindsay particularly. the 


city's raison d'étre was to be Fun City. 
Welfare City, anything but a business 
y. By creating a climate for jobs and. 
profis in the private sector, we've 
brought about а big change. When І first 
suggested "Common sense" as my cam- 
paign slogan, my media advisor, Da 
didn't like it; but now, he has no 
hesitation at all. It says everything. be- 
cause in addition to describing me, it 
characterizes the city—what І take to be 
this new sense that we're not standing 
still. 

PLAYBOY: By that, we take it that you 
n things are getting better. But 
despite the city’s solvency. there are 
many who [eel things are getting worse, 
that city services deteriorating. 

KOCH: People compare New York City 
with the perfect city, with nirvana, with 
1 Dorado. What you have to compare 
it with is other cities. We have estimated. 
that we'll be spending $30 billion over 
the next tem years to repair our inf 


structure—far more, proportionately, 
than cities like Chicago, Boston, Detroit 
and a host of others. Does Detroit get 
the same kind of publicity? 
PLAYBOY: What are you sa’ 
people have been misled, bra 
by a negative press? 

KOCH: No, I haven't said that about the 
press. In fact, І think it's terrific that 
people are so interested in us, that they 
want to come here, either to visit or live. 
But if you're gonna talk about New York 
City, you have to talk about it in the 
context of other cities, which raises a 
small difficulty. Namely, that there is no 
other city like New York City and its 
00,000 people. You can take several of 
our larger cities in the country—say, 
Boston and Chicago i 
plus the others—and fit all thcir popu 
tion into New York. So while our prob- 
lems are proportionately comparable to 
and in some cases су 
the dimensions here are so large that 
they become sui generis. From 1969 to 
1977, we lost 600.000 jobs. Th 
and a half times the size of Bu 
second largest city in the state of New 
York. In Detroit, they have 24 percent 
unemployment! Do we ever hear about 
that? 

PLAYBOY: But you're dodging our ques 
tion: despite the statistics, doesn’t the 
fact that many people see New York 
City life as a series of assaults— 
KOCH: That's ridiculous. 

PLAYBOY: Well, do women feel comfort- 


g? That 
inwashed 


able walking in the streets at night? Can 
anyone safely stroll through Cent 
Park at night? 


KOCH: How many women feel comfort 
able walking at night in Boston, or in 
Birmingham or San Francisco? When T 
ed in Washington, D- 196! 
was scary, апа if you walked the streets 
alone at night, you worried about it. But 
I have never—never—worried about 
walking the streets of the city of. New 
York. Obviously, there are places you 
don't walk: I'm talking about my own 
residenti; ea. 

PLAYBOY: Your own residential area 
Only recently, the daughter of [former] 
New Jersey governor Brendan Byrne 
d down the street from С 


eth 


KOCH: What are you saying? We're 20th 
down on the FBI list of rapes. That 
means 19 other cities are more dangerou: 
PLAYBOY: Again, let's not kcep talking 
statistics. Let's focus on impi 
and perceptions. the years of negative 
publicity —— 

KOCH: We brought that on ourselves by 
our arrogance prior to 1975. We got our 
comeuppance when we suddenly found 
ourselves on the edge of bankruptcy. 
But New York is very appreciative tl 
the rest of the country helped us wher 
we were on our ass. We were chastened. 


essions. 


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PARIS 


NEW YORK 


and since the country helped us, there's 
a civility today that wasn't here before, 
an appreciation that we're living in a 


It's obvious. Don't you agree 


A lot of people wouldn't, no. 
And probably. some New Yorkers would. 
be a lot less polite about it. 

KOCH: Thcyd think that Fm talking 
cant, is that what you're saying? 
PLAYBOY: Cant, yes. But beyond that. 
they'd claim that the place often feels 
unlivable. Hostile, cynical and brutal. 
KOCH: People who live in the city? Go 
talk to cabdrivers and cops. They have 
the best — 

PLAYBOY: We did just that, coming over 
here to Gracie Mansion this morning. 
Talked to the cabbic- 
KOCH: Yeah, what'd he say? 

PLAYBOY: He said, "I'm carrying a gun." 
And it brought to mind Howard Beale 
in Network, the lunatic news com- 
mentator shouting, "I'm mad as hell and 
I'm not gonna take it anymore. 
KOCH: Yeah, and not too long 
some guy committed a robbery on Fifth 
Avenue and passers-by beat him to with- 
in an inch of his life. The cops had to 
rescue him. [Laughs] 

PLAYBOY: You're laughing now as you 
recall this. Why? Just how is it funny? 
KOCH: I see humor in a lot of things. But 
my answer is akin to what I said to the 
cops after І was assaulted —— 

PLAYBOY: The incident at the doctors’ 
convention, at the time you proposed 
closing Sydenham Hospi 
KOCH: Yes. І was addressing 3000 para- 
medics and doctors in the Hilton Hotel, 
and just as I began, some people got up 
to demonstrate. Suddenly, I felt a hand 
around my throat. It came Irom the rear. 
Then a fist socked me in the eye. There 
was something in the fist, and it was 
coming down my cheek. It turned out 
later that it was an egg. but at that mo- 
ment, I believed 1 was the subject of an 
assassination. My adrenaline’s working, 
obviously; I don’t know what's happen- 
ing and for all I know, I'm fighting for 
my life. So І grabbed the guy's hand and 
wrestled him to the ground. Turns out 
he was a doctor from San Diego. part of 
the demonstration, throwing eggs at me. 
I have this guy down on the floor and I 
want to kill him, I'm so angry. Then my 
security man comes to help me and he's 
holding the guy down and he sees that 
I'm set to kick him in the balls or in 
the head. Some vital place! I want to kill 
him! And my guard looked up plead- 
ingly. Without uttering a word, he was 
i And І didn't. But later. 
І described this feeling to a class of 
rookie cops, that Га wanted to kill him 
because І thought he had tried to kill 
me. Instead, І eventually filed а criminal 
nt and testified, and 18 months 


and a $1000 penalty. The judge told me 
that very few people in public life ever 
pursue such cases. But І had to do 
Otherwise, they'll do it again to some- 
body else. 

PLAYBOY: Do you worry about assassina- 
tion? 

KOCH: When George Moscone, the mayor 
of San Francisco, was killed, I was asked 
Íor my reaction. It shook me because 
Moscone wasn't killed by a stranger; he 
was killed by somebody he knew, who 
had access to his office. The point is that 
you can have all the security in the 
world but you still can't protect yourself. 
1 also happen to believe in the doc 
trine of beshert, which means “God 
ordains’—your life is laid out, pre 
destined. Obviously, you're not supposed 
to make it casy for those who want to 


id whatever He 
do with. 


PLAYBOY: Why be so fatalistic, even pas- 
sive? Why not fight back? 

KOCH: I understand the fceling—that's 
what І told those cops. Just like І under- 
stand the feelings of those people who 
beat up the robber on Fifth Avenue. 
That's why I laughed. 1 have the same 
fecling—me, the mayor. 

PLAYBOY: Aren't there а lor of middle- 
class people who more and more approve 
of that kind of behavior? 

KOCH: Yes, but we will not tol 
If someone engages in vigilantism, we're 
gonna put his ass in jail. 

PLAYBOY: How did you feel about the 
film Death Wish? 

косн: [Laughs] Oh, I thought it was 
terrific, but at the same time, І deplore 
what the guy did; it was vigilantism and, 
as such, unacceptable, intolerable. 
PLAYBOY: But you also understood? 

KOCH: Sure. You could identify with the 
guy's need for revenge, cven though it's 
not permissible in a society of law. Still, 
a terrific act 
PLAYBOY: Isn't it also deplorable—sym- 
bolic of everything we're talking about? 
KOCH: Oh, pleasc. Look, I like movies. 
The Warriors—very stylized, almost a 
ballet about gangs in the subways. It was 
wonderful. The fact that I would like 
Death Wish, though, doesn't mean 1 
have to approve of its message. 


ate ir. 


PLAYBOY: What about the argument that 


self-defense should be permissible if the 
police or our laws can't protect people 
in the first place? 

KOCH: It’s unacceptable, just as unac- 
ceptable as a totalitarian society, where 
you have very little crime but also very 
few civil rights to begin with. I'm sure 
you'd be safer walking the streets in 
Moscow than in any major city in the 


United States. I also know that the 
Soviets have their gulags. 

PLAYBOY. Your answers are consistent 
with the theme. so common in news- 
papers and magazines, that to be а N 
Yorker, you have to have a heartier, 
'alk-through-the-troubles, grin-and-bear- 
it attitude. 

KOCH; Well, there is а fcistiness and an 
ability to roll with the punches. But you 
can talk about the city of New York in 
a vacuum and come to any conclusions 
you want. Now, I think we're getting a 
hold on crime here and throughout the 
country. Everybody's concerned about it. 
You know my anecdote about senior 
citizens? When І was a congressman in 
1973, I spoke to a group of senior cit- 
izens who wanted to know what I was 
going to do about crime. I said. "You're 
right, crime’s the number-one issue. But 


s and gentlemen, I know a judge 
who was just mugged, and guess what he 
did? He called a press conference and 


told reporters, "This mugging will in no 
way affect my decisions in matters of this 
kind’ An elderly lady stood up in the 
back of the room and called out, “Then 
mug him again!" [Laughs] It's а mar- 
velous story; it always gets a response 
from people. 

PLAYBOY: It is a good story. But your 
critics claim that your constant refer- 
ences to the middle class, to a reliance 
on what you call common sense, is just 
a buzz word, an appeal to white-middle- 
class fears and resentments. 

KOCH: Bullshit! In prior administrations. 
it was taboo to talk about the middle 
class. It was part of the Sixties and 
Seventies syndrome that somehow, the 
middle class wasn't the group that you 
ought to court. “Who wants their life- 
style?” the rhet went. “Why should 
the middle class be clevated?" asked 
many of the radicals. So it startled a lot. 
of people to have а mayor come in and 
say, “I think the middle-class lifestyle is 
terrific. Y believe we oughta kiss the feet 
of the middle class for saving this town, 
since they're the ones who pay the taxes 
and create the jobs for the poor.” And 
ince I'm not able to do very much for 
them in terms of increasing services, at 
least they should know they have a 
friend in City Hall who wants them to 
prosper, who wants them to stay here 
and who doesn't take them for granted. 
Prior to my coming to office, it was always 
"What can we do for the poor, how do 
we expand welfare?” Recently, I testified 
before a legislative committee on home- 
less men and women, the sick people out 
there who sleep in the streets. One of the 
legislators complained about welfare cen- 
ters that supposedly weren't giving out 
the necessary information, and then he 
demanded to know, “Well, arc you going 
out there, Koch, to get people to apply 
for welfare and for Medicaid and telling 


лі 


PLAYBOY 


72 


them about all these programs?" І said, 
"No." Under Lindsay, they brought us 
to bankruptcy by going out and telling 
people to come іп- “Стоп, get on the 
welfare rolls, you don’t even have to file 
an “No, I don't do that." said 
I to this legislator, who then accused me 
of violating my constitutional oath. I 
rep! o, I don't think so, and 76 
percent of the people recently indicated 
that they don't think so, either.” 

PLAYBOY: But popular or not, by empha- 
sizing the middle class, aren't you prac- 
ticing а kind of benign neglect of the 


it's the middle class, which 
the taxes, that allows me to spend 
56 percent of our budget on 26 percent 
of the people. the poor. I know that jobs 
are the key, since lots of jobs have left 
this town, but we have 120,000 new jobs 
over and above those we had on Decem- 
ber 31, 1977, and I know it's the middle 
class that has created those jobs. І mean, 
who do you think owns the factories, the 
stores and the places where jobs are 
created? It ain't the rich and it certainly 
ain't the poor! So I wish I could do 
more for the middle class. Why do you 
think they went down to Florida during 
the Lindsay Presidential campaign and 
put up this blimp with the slogan LIND- 
SAY SPELLS 7SOORIS [trouble]? Who do you 
think did that? The middle class, and not 
just the Jewish middle class. So now I'm 
saying to them, I'm not doing that to 
you, I understand your problems, plus 
the fact that when I upgrade the cops 
nd the firemen and the educational 
system, I'm affecting the city as a whole. 
PLAYBOY: By the same token, however 
there is no blimp over Harlem saying, 
KOCH 15 COOL. 

о, but there is a blimp over 
that says, WE'RE FOR KOCH; 60 
PERCENT OF US ARE, because that’s the way 
the black community voted in the last 
election. 

PLAYBOY: We'll come back to that. But 
the so-called Sixties syndrome you refer 
to—you sound as if it offended you, as 
if the counterculture was а repudiation 
ot everything you personally cherished 
KOCH: Yes, I think it was a license to do 
anything. What happened in the Sixties 
was that the values of integrity and 
hard work and industriousness no longer 
counted, were no longer perceived as 
worthy of reward. This even extended to 
Government, where the attitude was, to 
hell with the middle class. It was a loss 
of balance. І don't know of any period 
when there wasn't something good and 
something bad, when we didn't move 
away from the center and then come 


back again. In the Sixties, however, it 

went too far. 

PLAYBOY: Does your appreciation of 

middle-class values, of hard work and 
„ reflect your own up- 


KOCH: Sure. We were poor, we all worked 
very hard. We lived in the Bronx, an 
allJewish neighborhood, low income, 


very safe. The rich one in the f 
my uncle Max, who І think 
legger in addition to being involved in 
the clothing business in Manhattan. 
Then the family moved to Newark, New 
Jersey, where another uncle ran the 
Jargest catering hall and dance palace in 
the city. Since my father's fur business 
had gone bankrupt during the Depres- 
sion. he was given the hat-check conces- 
sion, which became our major source of 
livelihood, I didn't get paid: I got an 
allowance. My mother and brother 
worked there, too. 
PLAYBOY: Wis moncy alwa 
for yo 
KOCH: Yes. I think our income was S60 
а week for five people. We never went 
hungry. though. Sometimes my father 
had to go out and borrow бус dollars 
from somebody to make sure that Friday 
night was a good Shabbath dinner. We 
weren't religious. but Friday night was 
s terrific. There were times when 
he didn't have enough money, but even 
so. everything was stable and пісе. Му 
ther was а much more accepting per- 
son. My mether was the stronger of the 
two. 

PLAYBOY: Aside from the Bronx and 
Newark, were you exposed to other parts 
of the New York area when you were 
growing up? 

KOCH: When І was growing up, Man- 
hattan was another planet! І didn't 
formulate it in my head at the age of 
seven, but what were you going to do 
in Manhattan? What was my mother 
going to do. go to the theater? Ridicu- 
Jous! If she went to the thea i 
was the Yiddish theater, on the Low 
East Side. That's not the Manhattan 
most people talk about. Forty-second 
reet was Manhattan, and nobody lived 
there. І never hi 
sreenwich 
PLAYBOY: You first left home when you 
went into the Army? 

KOCH: Thats when I grew up. yeah, І 
became morc self-aware because it was 


ys a problem 


my first real exposure to different kinds 
of people and ideas, to non-Ncw 
Yorkers, say, I enjoyed the cosmopolitan 


aspect of it. 

PLAYBOY: Coming from this relatively in- 
sulated background, didn't you find the 
Army a bit threatening? The great 
World War M novels From Here to 
Eternity and The Naked and the Dead 
both dwell on the anti-Semitism of the 
period. 

KOCH: [ never felt threatened as a Jew. 
І had only one anti-Semitic incident in 
the Army, in basic training at 
Croft, South Carolina. My platoon was 
about 15 or 20 percent Jewish, a lot of 
them from New York, refugees from 
Europe, and what triggered it was tha 


g Iro 


lamp 


the Jews were not terribly athletic апа 
found the obstacle courses difficult. The 
situation was made worse by this onc 
smar 
have the nt asked 
a question. It irritated а lot of people 
One guy in particular was constantly 
making ant i rks, and I beg: 
thinking, I'm not strong enough to beat 
him up but I'm going to build my 
strength. 

So І practice, getting stronger, until 
about the 15th or 16th week of basic 
training, when he makes another of 
these brutalizing comments. І walk ov 
grab him by the neck and say, “OK, 
when we get back to the barracks, you 
and I are gonna have it out." He says, 
"What are you talking about"— cause 
he didn't consider me Jewish. І could do 
the obstacle course, right? When we got 
ack to the ba ks, the Jewish kid who 
has created the problem now offers to 
help, and І say, "Get the fuck away, you 
prick! Its because of you І have this 
problem!” So we go out, me and the 
other guy. and we fight. There was a bis 
crowd. 50 people or more. He knocks me 
down, І get up. І don't want this to 
sound like a movie, but he knocks me 
down again and again I get up. And І 
hit him. Finally we finish. He's won, of 
course, but for the next several wee 
there's not one anti-Semitic comment 
in the whole company. Not one. I felt 
terrific. 

PLAYBOY: It really was a scene out of 
From Here to Eternity. Later on during 
the war, you supposedly became a de- 
Nazification specialist in Bavaria. 

KOCH: That's an overstatement, After the 
war, I was in Bavaria, in a small military 
detachment near Würzburg. My job 
consisted of replacing public officials 
who were Nazis with non-Nazis. And be- 
lieve me, if there was anything І could 
do to engage in retribution, І was going 
io do it. Replacing people in publi 
office, confiscating property for the mil- 
itary government, taking over houses. 
"There were always Germans coming in to 
tell you who the Nazis were, but they 


s Jewish kid who would always 
nswer when the serge: 


all claimed they had Jewish grand- 
mothers. 
PLAYBOY: Did you ever visit one of the 


concentration camps? 
ng the war. [ went to 
in 196] specifically to see 
Dachau. І don't know that І can even 
describe the experience. At Dachau, the 


have a little museum, ~ . . І was crying. 
I remember the camp itself was very 
hard to find—they sort of conceal it from 


you—but once I'd seen the furnaces, the 
crematoria, I didn't stay very long. After- 
ward, І was outraged, outraged that the 
world should have let this happen. And 
it did, no question about it. Every 
country participated. France, England, 
the U, S., all of them. It's an enormous 


blot on the record of every Western 
country that they didn't do something. 
PLAYBOY: The abiding feeling of Jewish 
life is the specter of the Holocaust 
KOCH: It certainly in. 
PLAYBOY: And you believe it could hap- 
pen again? 

KOCH: Absolutely. That's why I speak out 
when there's an atrocity in Paris or 
Austria or Vienna, or in Northern Ire- 
land or Uganda, for that matter. Every 
country is capable of the vilest of ex- 
cesses and almost every country has been. 
The Turks destroyed the Armenians in 
what is really known as the first Holo- 
caust. The Spanish Inquisition expelled 
the Jews. In Ethiopia, they have de- 
stroyed blacks. Every country is capable 
of genocide. 

PLAYBOY: As onc of the country’s most 
prominent Jewish politicians. you seem 
to feel the need or responsibility to speak 
out for Israel. How much of this is per- 
sonal and how much is a factor of your 
being mayor of a city: 
KOCH: That has more Jews than Tel Aviy? 
PLAYBOY: Well isn't it true thar New 
York City is perceived nationally, per- 
haps with a taint of anti-Semitism to it, 
as а Jewish town? 

KOCH: Do you really think so? Look at all 
our black Jews, all our Puerto Rican 
Jews, all our [laughs] . . . Irish Jews! 
PLAYBOY: But seriously, you have come 
out very strongly in support of Menach- 
em Begin’s policies in Israel. You could 
be considered a hard liner when it 
comes to Isracl. 

KOCH: Begin’s an extraordinary man, 
even though he's occasionally perceived 
as a little too inflexible. I don't agree 
with everything he's done and Гуе said 
so. But when a nation like Israel has 
been under constant attack and you see 
its so-called allies running away out of 
fear of losing the petrodollar—I'm talk- 
ing about the English, the Austrians and 
the French in particular—then what 
you're talking about are governments 
that have engaged in anti-Semitic actions. 
‘The best illustration is Lord Carrington, 
the British foreign minister, who's a 
schmuck. He claims that the P.L.O. isn't 
engaged in terrorism. 1 say, thank Cod 
there's a Menachem Begin who has the 
strength to stand up for his people. 
Nobody's perfect, mind you, but if Israel 
had a more malleable prime minister, 
there'd be no hope; they'd just give way 
on everything. 

PLAYBOY: How important to you is Israel's 
security? 

KOCH: As a Jew who happens to be an 
American, 1 place American security 
first. I want to say it only once: These 
are my loyalties—the country, the city, 
then Isracl. In that order. 

PLAYBOY: As we said before, you're the 
best-known Jewish politician in America 
today—— 


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73 


PLAYBOY 


74 


KOCH: Isn't that nice! [Laughs] 

PLAYBOY: You don't think the description 
fits? 

KOCH: If I'm not, I'm one of them. OK. 
PLAYBOY: Do you see anti-Semitism grow- 
ing in this country? 

KOCH: Yes. I certainly saw it in the at- 
tempt to smear the opponents of the 
AWACS sale to Saudi Arabia. But more 
broadly, there's a kind of ground-swell 
feeling that Israel no longer has the right 
to express itself. But what do you think 
Saudi Arabia was doing in the case of the 
AWACS? Prince Fahd or the royal family 
was supposedly given a room in the Sen- 
ate ding w! the AWACS vote was 
going on. So it’s become a double 
standard. If the Jewish nation of Israel 
stands up and talks about its security, 
then it’s attacked as being foo Jewish, 
engaging in something that nobody else 
is doing, when in fact everybody else is 
doing it with impunity. Even more 
egregious is the line that the American 
Jewish community is part of some 
Israeli lobby. Well so what? Why 
shouldn't we defend Israel? What should 
we do, go to the gas chambers silently? 
PLAYBOY: What about the kind of remark 
that. seems to be chic among some 
Europeans—Oriana Fallaci, for instance, 
said in her Playboy Interview that she 
believed the American media are con- 
tolled by the Jews 
KOCH: That's self-evidently false. Obvi- 
ously, there arc some Jews in the media, 
but herc in New York, the most media- 
oriented city in the world, only one of 
the three newspapers has Jewish owner- 
ship. Anyone who says that the media 
are controlled by Jews is meshuga [crazy]. 
But I've heard that before. It's a left- 
wing point of view, part of the current 
antiSemitism that comes from radicals. 
For example. I believe that Jesse Jackson 
has engaged in anti-Semitic remarks, and 
besides, he went to Lebanon and kissed 
Arafat on the check, gave his blessing to 
terrorism. I've never been supportive of 
Jesse Jackson: 1 always thought he was 
bad news on this issue. Obviously, he's 
done a lot of good things motivating 
black kids. But now we're talking about. 
anti-Semitism. The key phrase today 
is anti-Zionism, which is used to conceal 
antiSemitism. In fact, though, in this 
case, the two are one and the same. 
PLAYBOY: Do you sce anti-Semitism grow- 
ing in Europe? 

KOCH: Obviously, the bombings of syna 
gogues in France were terrorist acts 
directed at Israel. True, they may very 
well have been terrorist acts directed at 
Jews, to. I'm not going to argue that. 
But no, I dont see it escalating in 
Europe in the sense that we've been talk- 
ing about. 

PLAYBO: 


But you just said that anti- 
is the same as antiSemiti: 
KOCH: But in Europe, it isn't specifically 


related to the Jews. We're past that. 
They don't give a fuck about Jews! For 
most European countries, it’s cravenness. 
What they care about is Arab money! 
PLAYBOY: How do you feel about Arabs’ 
buying up property in New York City? 
KOCH: I don’t haye any problem with 
that so long as they're not able to buy up 
the media. I'm not someone who says 
Arabs can't come in. In fact, I'd welcome 
them to come and buy the World Trade 
Center. They have the money; let them 
put it back on the tax rolls. I do very 
well with the Arabs who live in New 
York. Why? Because I've spoken out for 
the poor Lebanese, and even when I was 
in Congress, I condemned the slaughter 
of Lebanese Christians. I mean, its crim- 
inal what's happened there. 

PLAYBOY: Since you've publicly criticized 
Reagan’s stance on Isracl, what do you 
think, in general, of recent Presidents’ 
attitudes toward Jews? 

KOCH: Actually. I happen to believe that 
Ronald Reagan is very sympathetic to 
Jews. When he came to see me in 1977, 
he said, “I'm so pleased that you've 
spoken out against what Carter is doing 
on Israel.” At the time, Carter people 
participating in the U.N. resolu- 
tions denouncing Israel, and 1 think 
Reagan's statement to me was genuine, 
more than c politics. Funda- 


ign 


mentally, he’s a decent guy, though the 
people around him are terrible—Wein- 
berger and Ha 


—though Haig himself 
is a mixed bag. Under Carter, there was 
Brzezinski, who was a very bad guy, as 
we subsequently found out when he re- 
yealed himself after leaving Washington. 
PLAYBOY: What about Nixon? You are on 
record as saying he's an outand-out anti- 
Semite. 

KOCH: Oh, І believe that. just based on 
conversations the Watergate tapes 
where he referred to Jews in a pejora- 
mments were filled with 


PLAYBOY: And Ford? 

KOCH. Ford was always very good on 
Israel, so 1 was shocked at what he did 
on AWACS. Carter, though, was never 
he's 


neered the Camp David accor 
KOCH: The Jewish community felt the 


same way I did. I'll give you an example. 
Hamilton Jordan and Pat Caddell and 
a number of others wanted me to speak 
on behalf of Carter to the Jewish com- 
was in 


munity because they knew he 
trouble with the Jews. І said, 
won't do it.” One of them said. 
think we’re bad on Isracl, anti- 
жай you see the Reagan people.” And 
T said, "No. I don't believe it. I don't 
believe Rt n's anti-Semitic "They 
mentioned Senator Jesse Helms, and І 


said, “Хо, you're all wrong. Jesse Helms 
may hate Jews, but he loves Israel.” 
PLAYBOY: What about Jimmy's brother, 

Billy Carter? 

Oh, his brother was clearly anti- 

ic, sure. What do you want from 
acko? 
PLAYBOY: You're quoted as having s: 
“If Carter had listened to my advice, he 
might still be President.” How did you 
mean that? 
KOCH: Remember, | one of the first 
people to be for him carly on in his first 
campaign. But even though I said I was 
going to vote for him, I was not going 
out to support him actively unless he 
spoke out for two issues in 1980. One 
was to take more of a pro-Israel stand: 
the other was to support the Moynihan 
Medicaid Bill, which would haye pro- 
vided greater Federal sharing for New 
York City’s Medicaid costs, which are 
breaking our back. 
PLAYBOY: And you got no response? 
KOCH: That's correct. I asked them to do 
and they wouldn't. They started to 
come around in the last ten days in 
terms of Israel but by then, they'd 
already lost the Jewish vote. 
PLAYBOY: Still, during the course of the 
1 campaign, you appeared suf- 
ficiently sympathetic to Reagan to 
prompt a number of editorial writers to 
speculate on your real commitments. 
Would it be fair to say that while you 
supported Carter, in your heart of 
hearts, you were secretly pulling for the 
Republicans? 
KOCH: No, that’s not true. It's also 
unt; What people don't understand 
is why І was hospitable to Reagan. 
Granted, there was a lot of criticism by 
my fellow Democrats, but I don't under- 
stand why people found it so unusual. 
I'd have been a horse's ass to refuse a 
Presidential candidate's request to be 
filled in on the problems of New York. 
I think it was helpful to the city; it was 
another instance of plain common sense. 
Courtesy never really hurt anybody, so 
far as I know. 
PLAYBOY: Yer, in your Baltimore speech 
in late 1981, you called for the toppling 
of Reagan. Would you clarify your 
position? 

KOCH: Whats unclear? [Grins] Im а 
Democrat, remember? I believe that we 
ought to have a Democratic Govern- 
ment, а Democratic President. What's 
wrong with that? 105 not inconsistent. 
PLAYBOY: There have been national press 
stories that describe you and Reagan as 
the odd couple. Obviously, many people 
now feel that your policies are more in 
tune with the Republicans than with the 
Democrats. 

KOCH: Look, Reagan is going to be the 
President for another three years. I have 
to work with him and I will, getting 
the most І can out of Washington for the 


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76 


city on an equitable, just basis. You 
cannot expect that someone whom 
you've been uncivil to is going to be 
helpful. І doubt that Covernor Hugh 
Carey, for example, can get very much 
from Reagan, since it was thought that 
the governor was uncivil to him. But І 
wasn't rude, so now I have access to the 
White House; they respond to my tele- 
phone calls. 

PLAYBOY: They may not, now that you've 
called for Reagan's defeat in 1984. Take 
Republ congressman Jack Kemp, 
for example. He supported vou for may 
or and reportedly arranged. your ini 
meeting with Reagan. Now he's accused. 
you of betrayal, hasn't he? 

KOCH: Well, they can't figure me out. 
[Laughs] 

PLAYBOY: You're laughing. Why? 

KOCH: I always laugh at these things be- 
ase people have such а hard time 
figuring me out. If they just exercised 
some common sense they wouldn't ha 
any trouble at all. Its simple. Im a 
Democrat. My loyalties are to the Demo- 
a arty: everybody knows that. Гуе 
never concealed it. 

PLAYBOY: But beyond being polite to 
Reagan, your friendliness to the Repub- 
licans certainly helped win their cn- 
dorsement in the last election. Wasn't. 
this a way of sticking it to liberal Demo- 
crats, those in your own party who are 
critical of you? 
KOCH: I told yo 


as common sense, 


PLAYBOY: No, no, what we're getting at 
is what we've heard as your motto: "For- 
give your enemies but never forget their 


KOCH: Thats not my quote. Mine is, 
“ГІІ never forget and I rarely forgive.” 
PLAYBOY: How much of this is real? How 
ich of it is politics? 

KOCH: It's both. 

PLAYBOY: The part that's real would 
make you a very vindictive person. 

KOCH: You call it vindictiveness, I call it 
justice. I believe in reward 
ment. І believe if someone kicks you, it 
should not be with impunity. I also have 
a high regard for loyalty 
ever having been betrayed by someone 
I considered a friend. 

PLAYBOY: What about former mayor 
John Lindsay? When he first ran, didn't 
he promise to back you for City Council 
if you backed his mayoral гасе? And 
once he was in office, didn't he refuse 
to endorse you? 

KOCH: He wasn't a [ri 
th 


nd. And don't you 
k hes paid for that? [Laughs] Му 


le peace with him. 
PLAYBOY: There's a 4 of glee in your 
voice. You like the deba 
ments, even the heckling, don’t you? 

KOCH: I've always enjoyed debates—in. 


c». the argu- 


high school and after law school, when. 
I supported Adlai Stevenson and his 
npaign committee needed street 
speakers. You could go to any corner in 
the city and speak if you had an Amer 

can flag. so І started doing that during 
my lunch hours And І loved those 


street-corner debates. I found that I'm 
very good at it. Any time you get a 
heckler, it enhances your ability to move 


a crowd, and І delighted in those ex- 
changes, just loved 'em. 

PLAYBOY: What. the improvisational as- 
pect of it? The theater? 

KOCH. Yes, being able to turn th 
around and change the expected out- 
come. Even then, I rarely spoke from a 
script. I'm not a good reader. I'm much 
better but when I first read 
speeches, it was without emotion, v 
out the electricity that comes from сус 
contact. If you're a good speaker, you're 
watching the crowd: you know what 
they're reacting to and you build on it. 
PLAYBOY: Do you agree with those who 
have called you an actor? 
KOCH: Lets define what 
actor. For me, the term 
the — perform -perform: here 
meaning the delivery—is polished. It 
has à beginning. a middle and an end. 
In that sense, ves. I'm onstage. Some 
people denigrate me by saying, “Сее, 
he en T think 
that's is terrific 
public life. 
PLAYBOY: Why are you defensive 
KOCH: Because of the silly deprecations 
of what І do, the cracks about Koch's 
practicing ром nent by one-liners.” 
It isn’t government by one-liners at all. 
Г can demolish an opponent in onc line, 
but that isn’t the same thing as winning 
over the state legislature on Medicaid or 
pulling New York City out of bank- 
ruptcy. If I'm an actor, so be it: bu 
don't think it hasn't been good and 
useful for the city. 

PLAYBOY: Let's expand this a bit; maybe 
it will bring us closer to what's unqu 
tionably your special style. Wasn't 
Richard Nixon a consummate actor? 
KOCH: Nixon? He's a phony, I'm not. I'm 
me. My performance is not dishonest. 
His always was. Let me tell you, when I 
first met Nixon in 1969, he'd just been 
clected and had come around to address 
the House of Representatives. We sus- 
pended business and everybody stood iı 
line to shake his hand. Fishbait Miller, 
who was then the Doorkeeper of the 
House, says to Nixon as I'm stepping up. 
“Mr, President, this is one of our boys 
who took one of your seats away. Ed 
Koch. from the 17th in New York." TH 
never forget it. Nixon put out his hand 
and said, “Lotta money in that district, 
І... . Lotta money." It was incredible. 
Here I am, the freshman congressman 


ngs 


now, 


h- 


you mean by 
that 


means 
nce 


Humor 


bout it? 


meeting the new President, who's grin- 
ning car to car, and this is all he has 
to say! 


PLAYBOY: And his partner, Spiro Agnew? 
KOCH: Look, Nixon was a bad man who 
ted the law: he was bad for the 
country. Agnew, though, І can describe 
only as spittle. | mean, Agnew is so far 
beneath contempt, he isn’t a fit subject 
for discussion. 

PLAYBOY: Well, if the electorate is as 
smart as you always daim, how could 
the country have put a couple of bad 
guys in the White House? 

KOCH: We didn't know it then. 

PLAYBOY: But you believe that the elec- 
ate has common sense, that folks have 
ng the right deci- 


— 
KOCH: Well, they're not always right. 1 
said they're mostly right. 

PLAYBOY: Do you sce yourself as а kind 
of populist figure, the Everyman of 
асіс Mansion? 

KOCH: І don't like “populist” because it 
iSemitic aspect to it. But yes, 
I do see myself as а kind of Everym: 
1 don't want to get involved in critiqu- 
ng my predecessors, but I don't believe 
any of them perceived himself as an 
ordinary human bein; 
PLAYBOY: What do you mean? 


KOCH: Take John Lindsay, whose slogan 
way something like, "He's fresh when the 
rest of us are tired." Or. when he ran 


for Congress. "Pride of the district, hope 
of the nation.” І say to myself, “This is 
meshuga!" Before that. there was Robert 
Wagner. who was the son of one of our 
greatest Senators, the scion of a political 
amily. quite well off, social and all the 
rest of it. He saw himself as the average 
joe? Come on! 

I'll give you an even bett 
When I first ran for Cong 
Republican district. nobody believed І 
could w ist the poshest, most 
social. wealthiest guy they could run— 
Whitney North Seymour, Jr. A guy with 
four es! О: nd me, I only had 
two! But І won with 51 percent of the 
vote, І got 75 percent ol the vote by 
the time І ran for а fifth term. After I 
left Congress, the area reverted to Re- 
publican. The thing is true as 


same 


в 
mayor. I ran the first time, Tm six in a 


field of seven: I don't have a chance. 
The second time, they said, "Who's run. 
ning against y Even though there 
were some vile ks from some of my 
opponents during that campaign. 
PLAYBOY: The most vile smear on you 
personally came during your first may- 
oral campaign. in 1977. Namely, the 
opposition slogan vore кок CUOMO, NOT 
THE HOMO. 

KOCH: Oh, sure. They wi hand-lettered, 
nonprofessional posters. І never saw any- 
body carrying one, but І saw some on 


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PLAYBOY 


78 


n and on 


walls in Grand Central Stai 
lampposts. 

PLAYBOY: How did you respond? 

KOCH: st, shock. Then anger that 
somcone should stoop so low. 

PLAYSOY: Had the question of your 
“homosexuality” ever come up before? 
KOCH: In every campaign I've ever been 
involved in. There are always rumors 
when candidates happen to be single, 
male or female, and sometimes even 
when they're married. So that part of it 
wasn't a shock to me, it's typical of New 
York. What was a shock was having a 
poster put up so openly. VOTE FOR 
CUOMO, NOT THE HOMO! That had never 
happened before. 

PLAYBOY: Were you asked to make a 
statement to the press? 

косн: Only once, for ТУ. I responded 
by saying, "No, I'm not homosexual, 
but if 1 were, I hope I'd have the cour- 
age to say so, because І happen to be- 
lieve that there's nothing wrong with 
people who are homosexual" "Ten per- 
cent of the population is made up of 
homosexuals. What's cruel is that you're 
forced to say, "No. I'm not a homosex- 
ual.” which in effect means you're put- 
ting homosexuals down, which I don't 
want to do. 

PLAYBOY: Is the term confirmed bache- 
lor a characterization that can be ap- 
plied to you? 

KOCH: Well, І am a bachelor at 57. Гуе 
never thought of the term confirmed, 
but the probability is that —— 

PLAYBOY: No, no. The analogy would be 
to the priest, who remains celibate to 
devote his life to his calling. Could be- 
ing a confirmed bachelor be a way of 
putting all your energy into running 
the city? 

KOCH: No, that's not the way I look at 
it at all. Whether or not I get married, 
I have not in any way taken a political 
vow that in order to do my duties, T 
foreclose marriage. That's ridiculous. 
What I have said on the subject is that. 
marriage would be a plus, not for po- 
tical purposes but because it would be 
nice to have the support that comes 
from a happy marriage. On the other 
hand, many mar 
sector arc altogether unhappy. What the 
public gets as a result of my being single 
is obvious—it gets more hours of work 
out of me because І don't have to run 
home to the family. 

PLAYBOY: How do you deal with specula- 
tion that exercising this kind of power 
can be a sublimation for sex and 
marriage? 

KOCH: I assume that’s a Freudian anal- 
ysis and it may yery well be correct, but 
it’s of no concern to me. T remain con- 
vinced, without knowing the actual 
figures, that а substantial number of 
people yoted for me thinking І was 
homosexual. Equally, a substantial num- 


ber voted for me thinking Гт mot 
homosexual. 
PLAYBOY: Are you homosexual? 
KOCH: Хо, I'm not. 
PLAYBOY: Have you ever had a homo- 
sexual experience? 
KOCH: I'm not going to discuss my pri- 
vate lie with you. But you asked me 
ak question and Гуе given 
you my response. A substantial number 
of people—again, T don't know the per- 
centages—don't give a shit. It's not а 
factor one way or the other. They don't 
weigh it, they don't ask it, they don't 
think about it. So it’s not something 
that distresses me anymore 
PLAYBOY: But at any point, has any of 
your advisors said, “You know, Ed, it 
would look better if you had a lady at 
your side to be your hostess”? Have 
you had any of that pressure in the past 
four or five years? 
KOCH: No. Most people in my admini: 
tration are friends and think I'm pretty 
good at running my own life as well as 
running the city’s. Very few of them 
any—no, none of them—believe that in 
these areas, they're smarter than me. 

[Koch's press aide comes in and in- 
terrupls.] 
AIDE: Can I interrupt for one second? 
Carol Bellamy [New York City Council 
President] was on Newsmaker: 
KOCH: Did she attack me? 
ADE: No, she didn't attack you, but 
she thinks maybe it would be a good 
idea for the city to take over the bus 
and subway system from the MTA. She's 
not sure, but she's leaning in that direc 
tion. You want to give the press a state- 
ment? 
KOCH: All right: “I'm always interested 
in her advice because she's done such a 
good job on the МТА to date.” [Laughs] 
No. no, let's put this in: “If thi 
of her solutions. I'll certainly look at it. 
PLAYBOY: OK, let's return to the public 
response to you—— 

[Further interruption] 
AIDE: Can I just. . . . Let me read а ver- 
sion back to you, Ed: “I'm always in- 
terested in her advice. She's done а good 
job on the MTA.” OK? 
KOCH: No, no! ‘Cause І know she hasn't 
done а good job. "I'm always interested 
her advice. She's been on the MTA 
board for four years, and Га be intcr- 
ested in knowing how it’s improved in 
that time." 
AIDE: Oh, Jesus. 
KOCH: You like that? What do you want 
to do? [Loudly, looking at the inter- 
viewer] She's а pain in the ass! 
AIDE: How about, "She's been on the 
board of the MTA for four years. If she 
wants to suggest that as a solution, I'll 
certainly be happy to study it 
KOCH: Good. "She's been on the board 
for four years, she must have some in- 
sights. And I'm always interested. Work. 


that point-bl 


is oi 


it out. Look, she gets a free ride on a 
whole host of things. That's what's up- 
setting to me, that she hasn't bcen sub- 
ject to the criticism she should be. She's 
on that goddamn board; what's she done 
in the four ycarsz* 

PLAYBOY: Сап we continuc? Here we 
have the mayor of the most important 
city in the world, one of the best-known 
politicians in America—— 

KOCH: Isn't that nice to hea 
PLAYBOY: This august individual who— 


KOCH: I'm not august- 
PLAYBOY: Who uses a style апа words 


that could well be considered undig; 
fied or unsuited to his office. The ques- 
tion is—— 

KOCH: By whom? Four per cent? Those 
who don't like me? On that issue, the 
numbers are real small. 
PLAYBOY: You've taken a poll om the 
public's response to your style? 

KOCH: No, it's my own personal gut poll. 
Without any false humility, I've got a 
good intellect. not a super intellect, I'm. 
no genius, just а good intellect — 
PLAYBOY: What is your 1.0.2 

KOCH: The last time I was tested, 123. 
PLAYBOY: Not in the 160s? 

KOCH: No. But I use people who are in 
the 160s. I have very good administrative 
skills. Im able to use the talents of other 
people who are smarter than me in par- 
ticular fields. If they were the mayor, 
though, they would destroy the city. 
Now, the talent that I have is reinforced 
by the fact that my reactions are those 
of ordinary people, common-sense reac 
tions, as I've already told you. If I call 
Billy Carter а wacko, its because every- 
body knows he's a wacko and it's prob- 
ably what they've been calling him in 
private all along. The only person I 
upset with t remark was Jimmy Car- 
ter. I'm not going to get into the whole 
conversation between us, but he said, 
“Here І am, I'm under attack, and you 
call my brother a wackol” The public, 
though, appreciated it- 

PLAYBOY: Your lack of decorum lets 
people identify with you, is that what 
e saying? 

he, I see it as their realizing 
that I'm no different from th They 
ng exactly what I'd 
t were me in City Hall. I don't 
t it to appear that I'm smart and 
clever because I'm not so smart and 
clever, but the people do feel a vicarious 
participation in government with me. 
They say to themselves, “Finally, there's 
someone who says what has to be said, 


*This exchange took place a week be- 
fore Koch told some New York Cily- 
daily reporters in early December 1981 
that he considered Bellamy a “horror 
show." In the ensuing local furor, he 
apologized and the two political rivals 
apparently made their peace. 


exactly the way I'd say it if I were there.” 
PLAYBOY: Presumably, you're talking 
about New Yorkers now, a group hardly 
known for their decorum. What about 
the others? You're a national figure, and 
someone in the Midwest, say, might well 
be put off by the mayor of New York's 
using words like wacko and schmuck. 
You're confident that it’s not you—or 
the city—who is going to be seen as 
wacko? 

KOCH: Stop it! Midwesterners are just 
like anybody from the Lower East Side 
on the issue of my colorful language. 
Whats wrong with the word schmuck 
anyway 

PLAYBOY: Well, what does schmuck mean? 
KOCH: Schmuck means penis, bur it's 
been accepted in American parlance to- 
day as another word for jerk. Nobody 
sees it as an obscenity or vulgarism. 
PLAYBOY: But there are people who, 
nonetheless, accuse you of an intemper- 
ate style. Didn't you earlier say that the 
electorate wants its politicians to be 
better than itself? 

KOCH: That accusation is made by people 
who don’t like what I'm doing political- 
ly. If you've got guys like Arthur Schles- 
inger, who's worked for the Kennedys, or 
here in New York, Dick Wade, who's 
been aligned with Lieutenant Governor 
Mario Cuomo, then it's obvious, isn't 
it? Neither can get to City Hall, since I 
don't let them participate in anything 
1 do. 1 wasn't for Kennedy and I defeat 
ed Cuomo in 1977, so of course they 
don't like my style. On the other hand, 
if I were pushing things they supported, 
1 have no doubt they'd say I have a 
grand style. 

PLAYBOY: What kinds of things? It's no 
secret that you've provoked a good deal 
of criticism on the issues. You've been 
called a “secret Republican" by The 
Village Voice—— 

KOCH: The Village Voice is а porno rag! 
PLAYBOY: You say that because the Voice 
was one of your bitterest editorial oppo- 
nents this past election. But even in a 
friendly cover story, Time magazine also 
used the phrase "crypto-Republican." If 
you don't like that term, do you agree 
that you fit the definition of neocon- 
servative? 

KOCH: I regard both those terms as a 
writer's conceit to sum up the idea the 
Tm outside the waditional Democrat 
mold. I'm neither neoconservative nor 
cypto-Republican. Reporters use c 
files, and labels have a way of being 
repeated. 

PLAYBOY: But you won't deny that you're 
а fiscal conservative? 

KOCH: No, of course not. But 1 don't 
happen to consider that to be Conserv: 
tive with a capital C or Republican with 
a capital В. If 75 percent of the country 
is for the death penalty, does t 
make it conservative? The most voca 
spokesmen for the liberal point of yiew 
may oppose capital punishment, but they 


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82 


Great Days seem to happen 
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don’t speak for the majority of liberals. 
Besides, what's liberalism? It’s no longer 
what McGovern and Kennedy stood for. 
I doubt it ever w Ihe two of them 
just dominated the Democratic Party, 
My priorities remain the same. The 
difference is that I won't borrow money 
for education, say, from our capital 
budget because that's fiscally stupid. In 
the Sixties, people spent money they 
didn’t have. The result was that New 
York City nearly went bankrupt. Now 
we recognize that we have to prioritize. 
IL there's more moncy, you spend more 
on cops and education and sanitation 
and so forth. If you don't have the 
money, you don't spend it, but that 
doesn't mean you look at cops, education 
or sanitation any differently than before. 
Anybody who's a mayor today must be a 
fiscal conservative. The problems [acing 
our cities don't exist in a vacuum. If it 
were possible, I'd sentence every member 
of the Congress to one ycar as mayor, 
if only to make them understand the 
damage that we did. F include myself 
here; at the time, 1 had a 100 percent 
ADA [Americans for Democratic Action] 
rating. You name it, and if it cost money, 
І was for it, so long as it was “good” for 
us. That is why І refer to myself as 
Mayor Culpa. We did a lot of damage, 
not intentionally—nobody intends detri- 
ment, rightz—but there was damn little 


understanding. 


PLAYBOY: This common fiscal dilem- 
ma—did it hit individual cities at the 
same time? How much of the problem 
was due to local mismanagement? 

KOCH: Take New York. We began over- 
spending in the last two years of the 
Wagner third term—namely, 1963 and 
1964—then Lindsay came іп. By over- 
spending, I mean we spent more than 
we had in terms of providing services. 
You cannot provide services to an extent 
greater than taxes or other incoming 
revenues, and Wagner had already begun 
to use the capital budget for operating 
expenses, which then mushroomed. Un- 
der Lindsay, they took monies meant for 
street repair, for the bridges, sewers and 
school buildings and used it to hire cops 
and teachers and sanitation men. Then, 
big surprise! In 1975, suddenly, the banks 
that had been buying the city's paper 
closed the window. We were on the edge 
of bankruptcy. We'd become overex- 
tended. Part of it was the national 
economy, inflation, the cost of energy, 
OPEG and so forth. But the cities them- 
selves became overextended. Like New 
York, they provided services they 
couldn't afford. It was almost epidemic, 
with everybody expecting more and 
more every year. 

PLAYBOY: A case can be 
fis 


made that your 
conservatism really works in favor 
of big business, that it’s a way of getting 
the banks and rcal-estate interests behind 
you. 115 even. been charged that you've 
sold out to them. 


KOCH: Any mayor will be supported for 
re-election by the people with money in 
this town. If they think the race is going 
to be close, they'll even give money to 
both candidates! I'm talking about cam- 
paign contributions, not personal money. 
Now. it's no secret that the city’s real- 
estate and financ institutions. think 
I've done a good job and would like to 
see me remain mayor for another term. 
"They didn't, however, support me four 
years ago. 

PLAYBOY: Why do they like you now? 
KOCH: Why? Because when I came into 
office in 1978, there were only two ma 
construction jobs in the entire city. 
"Today, there are 329. That comes as a 
result of businesses saying, "We want 
to build in New York City: they're com- 
petitive, and they match incentives avail- 
able anywhere.” The best illustration is 
the American Telephone 
Company. which was considering mov- 
ing its major offices to New Jersey. It 
asked for an abatement for a new 
$200,000,000 building. since with an 
abatement, its taxes over а ten-ycar ре- 
riod would be reduced from $76,000,000 
to 556.000.000. The board that handles 
such matters therefore had to make а 
decision, weighing the fact that if Amer- 
ican Telephone built in the city, there 
would be an additional 1500 new jobs. 
The answer? Grant it the $20,000,000 
reduction over a ten-year period, during 
which we will receive $56,000,000 in 
new taxes as well as benefit from the 
new job opportunities. 

PLAYBOY: "That's one side of it. But what 
about the charge that it is the real-estate 
interests that are making New York un- 
livable? Rents go up, the middle class 
forced to leave. 

KOCH: As I 


Telegraph 


id before, the middle class 
is coming back. Thats not to deny, 
though, that rents are unconscionable. 
The fact is that they would be even 
worse if we didn't have rent control and 
rent stabilization. 

PLAYBOY: Where does it end, though? 
By reputation, New York now accommo- 
dates only the rich and the poor. 

KOCH: Where does it end in the rest of 
the country? It’s not just a local prob- 
lem. There isn’t new housing around 
today because of the high interest rates, 
and there's very little local government 
can do. We fight to keep rent stabiliza- 
tion and rent control With 1,000.000 
fewer pcople than we had in 1970. ac- 
cording to the census, we have 22,000 
more apartments but not in all parts of 
the city. When you talk about the un- 
conscionable rents, you're basically talk- 
ing about the poshest areas—the Upper 
Kast Side, Upper West Side, the Village, 
Brooklyn Heights and Riverdale. 1f you 
live in other boroughs—in 


want to 
Queens, sa 
They're not cheap, but they're nothing 
like how you're ripped off elsewhere. 

PLAYBOY: So the middle class is returning 


—there are lovely apartments. 


but only to live in Queens? 

KOCH: Partially, yes. Because it's no long- 
сг possible for middle-class people to live 
outside of rentstabilized apartments. In 
suburbia, you used to pay $40,000 for a 
home; now the average price is $70,000. 
What's the difference? They can live in 
New York City, only it means setting up 
new enclaves. 

PLAYBOY: But won't some people be 
forced to move every time their arca be- 
comes “posh"—"gentrified,” if you will? 
KOCH: You have to understand, a city 
constantly in flux. What we're talking 
about is the regeneration of certain 
areas. You don't use the term gentrifi- 
cation because that implies you're 
driving people out. But if there arc 
reasonable laws to protect the poorest 
of the poor and the elderly, then there’ 
nothing wrong with this. The mayor's 
not a miracle man; he can only work 
with what he has. At this moment, my 
priority is to keep the city financially 
stable. 

PLAYBOY: Of course, but you're on rec- 
ord as opposing low-cost housing proj- 
ects for the poor as well. 

KOCH: It’s not that simple, and I've also. 
been vindicated. You're obviously re- 
ferring to the episode of the low 
project in Forest Hills, Queens. 
1971, when I was on the Congression- 
al Banking and Currency Committee, 
which had jurisdiction over housing dol- 
lars, I went out there and said to myself, 
“This is crazy. You're gonna build three 
24-story buildings Гог some 4500 tenants 
on welfare in a residential area!" Not to 
mention that it's in а two-fare subway 
zone, so it will be hard to go and look 
for work. So I spoke out and said, "No, 
I'm opposed to this." 

When I got back to the office, I 
inundated by telephone calls from 
friends who were mad as hell. I'm called 
by Stanley Geller. one of my oldest sup- 
porters who's been involved in all my 
campaigns, He's a good lawyer, a super 
lawyer, who defended me when Carmine 
DeSapio tried to get me off the ballot 
in 1963, and he calls and says, “Ed, I 
just heard you say on the radio that 
You're against low-income housing.” 
didn't say that," I reply. "I said I'm 
against the Forest Hills low-income 
housing project" He said, "You can't 
be against апу low-income housing proj 
ect.” I said, “Stanley, if that project goes 
up. it will destroy the neighborhood 
The people there will move out.” “ 
don’t care if they move out,” he said, 
“the Jews in Forest Hills have to pa 
their " So І replied, “Stanley, 
you're an old friend, you're a very rich 
man, and you've helped me throughout 
the years. I'm very appreciative of your 
support. And you have this wonderful 
brownstone on Twelfth Street; І really 
wish I owned one like that. And you 
also have this marvelous home in the 
Hamptons, this near-Olympicsize pool, 


and you've been kind and invited me 
there, апа I wish I owned that. too. 
And the day your kids were born, 
Stanley, you registered them in private 
schools, You're telling me that the Jews 
in Forest Hills have to pay their dues? 
I'm telling you they are willing to pay 
their dues, only they're not willing to 
pay yours!” And my good friend Stanley 
Geller hung up on me. We didn't speak 
for a year. 

PLAYBOY: You're talking about a double 
standard here? You see yourself as more 
consistent, more realistic than others? 
KOCH: Quite correct, The one thing that 
Mario Procaccino said in the course of 
his whole mayoral campaign in 1960— 


he’s sort of a remnant of the old 
machine, been around for years—was 
that the Upper East Side is full of 


"limousine liberals." Everybody loves 
anything that uplifts the poor, only 
they won't make the sacrifices in their 
own neighborhood. Alcoholic treatment, 
drug-treatment centers, methadone, shop- 
ping-bag ladies, all the things you need 
a physical structure for, you put it on 
yenem's block, as my mother would've 
said—namely, the other guy's, not your 
own. Now, everybody today is for my 
position on Forest Hills and on low- 
income housing in general It's not 
necessary to put low-income housing 
projects in middle-class neighborhoods 
when we can rehabilitate all the many 
existing abandoned. buildings at maybe 
60 percent of the cost of new housing. 
It's especially sensible when the city 
actually owns buildings in so many of 
these desolated communities. It wasn't 
popular approach back then, but it's 
very popular today, and this is what 
we've been doing. 

PLAYBOY: Popular even among black 
people? Your argument could be used 
by someone who wanted to keep blacks 
in the ghetto. Isn't this why you've been 
charged with insensitivity to minoritie: 
not only by your liberal critics, such as 
Arthur Schlesinger, but by the minority 
communities as well? 

KOCH: It just isn't true, but we'll come 
to that in a moment, But go ask the 
black community which they prefer— 
our building three times the number of 
apartments in Brownsville or the South 
Bronx or putting one family on Sutton 
Place? In the last year of the Beame 
administration, only 1700 apartments 
were rehabilitated in all of New York. 
We've rehabilitated 17,000, an improve- 
ment of ten to one. Who occupies those 
apartments? Overwhelmingly, blacks and 
Hispanics, because under Federal regu- 
lations, they have to be rented to people 
on the lowest end of the economic spec- 
trum. The same overwhelming numbers 
of blacks and Hispanics who supported 
my re-election, by the way. 

PLAYBOY: So you feel you've been given 
a bum rap on the racial question? It's 
as simple as that? 


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PLAYBOY 


KOCH: No, it's not as simple as that. But 
the black and Hispanic communities, 
not the middle class, have been the ones 
given favored treatment by my adminis- 
tration, and quite correctly so. My de- 
fense, if it requires a defense, is that 
you should put the money where the 
need is, so 56 percent of our total oper- 
ating budget over the past four years 
has gone to serve the 26 percent of the 
city’s population that falls below the 
poverty line. How has their actual day- 
to-day lot been improved? The single 
most important thing. I think, is educa- 
tion. Kids are reading above norms for 
the first time. There's also been greater 
black representation in government. 
T've been accused of not doing enough, 
but compared with previous administra- 
tions, I think I've been terrific. 

PLAYBOY: Yet the charge of insensitivity 
to minorities persists. 

KOCH: Of course it persists! But it isn't 
borne out by the recent clection. If Га 
been guilty of thi ge of discrimina- 
tion, wouldn't it have been reflected in 
the vote? [t wasn't, Tm more strongly 
supported in the black and Hispanic 
communities than either the media or, 
worse still, some of the black leadership 
will acknowledge. I got 60 percent of 
the black vote and there have been 
figures as high as 70 percent for the 
Hispanics. 

PLAYBOY: But doesn't this overlook- 
KOCH: It’s a lot of baloney. І 
people just repeat. this 
PLAYBOY: The que 
KOCH: I'm gonna tell you! І know what 
your question іх What percentage of 
blacks voted? What percentage of 
whites? I know exactly what the ques- 
tion is: Гт not going through this for 
the first time. My recollection is that 
in the primaries, more blacks voted, pe 

centagewise, than whites! І think it was 
like 25 percent of the whites who voted 
n the p ad probably well over 
30 percent of the blacks. In the general 
election, there was about a 47 percent 
turnout, and F think the black vote was 
about 4? percent. 

PLAYBOY: We're trying 10 get you to talk 
less about statistics and тоге about а 
message some people feel you send ot 
You may mean it in the most sincere 
way when you say. "Hey, you folks in 
white, Jewish, middle-class Queens, Tm 
for you," but elsewhere, in the ghetto, 
there аге reverberations, Given genera 
tions of racial tension. there's the feel- 
ng that Koch has taken sides. 

KOCH: Look, I value the middle-class 
ethic because І am middle class—poor 
to begin with, yes, but now middle 
class—but does my praise of middle-class 
values therefore mean I'm doing some- 
thing that tes good racial relations? 
No. because | believe that the black 
middle class, of which we have a large 
number, sweeps its streets cleaner than 
most groups in town. It also prizes its 


mean, 


gardens. And it also happens to agree 
with what I'm saying, and I believe that 
if you went out and talked to poor 
people, when you got through all the 
rhetoric, what you'd find is that they 
want to be middle class, too. So I'm not 
allowed to say these things? Why not, 
tell me? 
PLAYBOY: Let's take this one step 
time. We assume you've called for 
Reagan's defeat in 1984 because you 
think his economic program is exacer- 
bating the already precarious state of 
the cities. 
KOCH: Yes. I hold President Reagan him- 
self responsible. 1 happen to 
аз а human being, but his 
reductions are too great haven't 
been distributed equitably. Ditto for his 
reductions in taxes. Expenditures have 
to be reduced, but I don’t believe that 
we have to have a balanced budget in 
1984. Inflation has been terrible. Our 
budget is 20 percent Federally funded, 
20 percent state, 60 percent local. When. 
ederal funds go down, theres less 
money for cur essential services. We wi 
supposed to have a two-billion-dollar 
ital budget last year; we only had 
about a 1.3 billion. and the major failure 
was hundreds of millions of dollars from. 
the Federal Government. That hurts. 
PLAYBOY: Would the Carter Administr 
n— 


ata 


ny better? I suspect it 
heuer in terms of 
money. yes. The Reagan people are 
imposing a policy, namely, supply-side 
economics, which is based on a false 
se. The premise is that if you give 
X breaks to the poor or the middle 
class, they won't spend the money, they 


won't invest it and therefore the econo- 
my doesn't benefit, You give tax breaks 
to the very wealthy and to big business 


and supposedly, they will invest it, put 
it back in the economy. I'm opposed to 
that because І don't think that's actually 
been happening. Our economy hasn't 
been stimulated with the net increase 
of jobs predicted as a result of these tax 
reductions. Why? That, I'm not able to 
say- I just know that in the past, nobody 
believed supply-side economics would 
work, and now that it's being imposed, 
ing! The rich get richer 
and they get richer by not spending. It's 
the poor and those depending on social 
programs who suffer. 

PLAYBOY: Ironically, though, there's al- 
most a parallel here to your own admin- 
istration. If you emphasize the middle 
dass, then the poor may be losing out 
under Koch as well as under Reagan. 
That's what your critics have charged; 
ndeed, it's at the center of the impres- 
at you've become a crypto-Repub- 


lican. 
KOCH: And you would like me to s 


somehow or other, I'm dep 
poor to give to the middle dass. І 


haven't done that. Just the other way 
around- 
PLAYBOY: Not depriving. But to keep the 
subject more philosophical than statisti- 
cal, it could be argued that your shift 
to the Right represents a kind of a г 
rowing of the spirit —— 


KOCH: There is a shift, yes. 
PLAYBOY: Toward vindictiveness. 
KOCH: Not at all! 


PLAYBOY: When you publicly cmbrace the 
ethic of "never forget, never forgive," 
ts a wholly different approach from the 
liberal tradition of at least trying to 
appeal to the best in people. 

KOCH: That can best be described with 
the German word Quack, which means 
bullshit, but in a nice w: t hap- 
pens that J rarely do forgive: it's а po- 
ical principle that І think is universal. 
I believe in reward and punishment аз 
it relates to people who impact upon 


me. It doesn't relate to the constituency. 


I do whatever is required, and more, to 
assist the poor in this town, because I 
happen to believe in God and I believe 
n reward and lunent, іп heaven, 
earth and hell and I'm going to do 
whatever I can before I meet my Maker. 
Now. how do I go about it? I take the 
dollars and put them where the need is 
I don't know how you can allocate more 
than 56 percent of the budget for 26 
percent of the people and come out 
with a feeling that you've done too little. 
That figure, by the way, doesn't include 
the universal services of mass transit, 
cops and firemen, which is done on a 
per capita basis. It’s targeted monies I'm 
talking about. 

Okay. At the same time, there has 
been a shift; І don't want to deny that. 
Under Lindsay and Beame, the thrust of 
city policy was to make this a town 
where business and economy were of less 
portance than the welfare syndrome. 
New York was Welfare City, and the 
programs were thrown wide open. A 
welfare applicant would come in and 
claim he was entitled to benelits and he 
just got them! No investigation, noth- 
ing. I don't believe in that. I believe we 
should provide for people, but І don't 
believe it's my job to go out and en- 
courage everyone who's entitled to wel- 
fare to apply. not at all. There are lots 
of people—and I give them credit—who 
say, “I'm cligible, but І won't take it. І 
want to work." Tm not saying that you 
shouldn't take welfare if youre entitled 
to it, but I want to give credit to those 
who feel that working or doing it on 
their own is а much more positive way 
of dealing with life. Other mayors would. 
denigrate that, saying, "What are you 
doing? That's not compassionate" І 
think it's totally compassionate. 

PLAYBOY: But come back to the analogy: 
If Reagan stands for a trickledown the- 
ory nationally, then you, in a similar 
vein, stand up for the middle class and 
say, "Let me take care of the middle 


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AUCTION 


class and that alone will make the city 
morc prosperous” 
KOCH: No, damn it! I've said to you now 
three times that you cannot point to 
dollars that we've been giving to the 
middle class. You're claiming that some- 
how or other, we take care of the middle 
class by giving them things that will 
then wickle dow but I haven't said 
that. I've said thar I want the middle 
clas to know—and not from a dollar 
point of view, because I don't have the 
dollars to give them—that philosophical- 
ly, I believe in their values. I want the 
to know that they have a friend in City 
Hall; that we don't take them for grant- 
ed; that when people mocked them, as 
they did in the Sixties, they were wro: 
ly maligned! The middle class was right. 
Honesty, industriousness, all of it, the 
whole thing! If people call me insensi- 
tive to minorities—that's the word, 
sensitive,” just as you said earlier—then 
I demand a bill of particulars. Show me 
from a substantive point of view where 
I've failed. "They can't. 
PLAYBOY: You've consistently said you'll 
deal with "racial problems” in terms 
not of race but of poverty 
KOCH: Poverty, yes. 
PLAYBOY: How do you reasonably make 
the distinction between race and pover- 
1y? Being black in this society obviously 
ip at ап economic disadvan- 
tage, and in New York, 80 percent of the 
poor are black or Hispanic. 
ters, you have to 
go outside New York. Nationwide, pov- 
erty is 65 percent white, not black. Any 
country-wide program related to poverty 
will therefore benefit mainly whites. In 
the city of New York, 80 percent or 
better of the beneficiaries will be black 
or Hispanic. If you deal with the prob- 
lem in racial terms, you get resistance 
from the 65 percent of the people ex- 
cluded, who, on the basis of poverty, 
need help most. If that 65 percent is so 
angi 
program. which is exactly what's hap- 
pening, then the 80 percent who benefit. 
in the city of New York, who happen to 
be black and Hisp , are the losers, 
too. The long and the short of it is, by 
doing it my way, you achieve the same 
goal while also keeping the programs 
going, whereas if you limit criteria to 
color, you ultimately endanger the exist- 
ence of the programs themselves. It’s 
also reverse racism. 
Similarly 1 back afirmative action 
but І oppose quotas. I take the position 
that you can accomplish the goal оі 
assisting minorities by having programs 
that have quotas related to poverty. For 
example, we have jobs set aside in con- 
struction for those who fit the definition 
of a CETA worker. They will be over- 
whelmingly, but not necessarily, blacks 
nd Hispanics. 

PLAYBOY: So, once and for all, if you've 
gg been as evenhanded toward minorities 


PLAYBOY 


as you claim, why does the perception 
that you're racially ins 
KOCH: I think it's 
PLAYBOY: You think there's a conspiracy 
to get Ed Koch? 

KOCH: No, not a conspiracy. I don't be- 
lieve in conspiracy theories; І really 
believe that Oswald killed Kenned 
What Fm saying is that I believe there 
are opinionmakers and that the opi 
makers are largely on the Left. I'm not 
going to give you percentages, but as it 
relates to the Democr Party or the 
media. 
PLAYBOY: A few names? 

KOCH: I’m not going to get into it. If I 
were to give you names, there'd be 
letters: "Why did you mention this 
one 

PLAYBOY: Isn't that a little like redbait- 
ing? You make a substantial accusation 
but refuse to name those you're pointing 
the finger at. Don't you think you have 
a responsibility here? 

KOCH: Maybe I do, but I'm not going to. 
I don't want to sound like I'm being 
crucified, ‘cause I'm not. There's no pi 
involved. І know what Im doing is right 
and helpful to the Party. and I believe 
in it. OK? But I know that those people 
who are the gurus of the Democratic 
Party, plus the opinionmakers, can't 
tolerate what I'm doing because In up- 
setting their hold on things. "Fhey hor 
estly believe it’s immoral to be in favor 
of the death penalty, they believe that 
ial quotus are really required and 
also that busing is 
І don't! / 
them! And don't think I have a messian- 
ic complex either, because assuredly І 
don't 
PLAYBOY: But you won't name these left- 
wingi It does sound a little like red- 
baiting. 

KOCH: Why do you confuse positions in 
support of the death penalty with red- 
baiting? What's that got to do with 
Conununism? 

PLAYBOY: No, the analogy is that you 
claim there are those people out there 
intentionally maligning you, yet you re- 
fuse to identify them. You say theyre 
mostly on the liberal Left, connected 
with the Democrati ty. There are 
all sorts of innuendocs here. 

KOCH: But I believe that. I'm not going 
to get into a confrontation- 
PLAYBOY: At least characterize these 
people. Give usa hint. 

KOCH: ГІІ give you опе illustration— 
Kenneth Clark [City University of New 
York psychology professor]. OK? Ken 
Clark. very bril t man, an opinion- 


maker. "Fen years ago, he was for school 
Al 


decentralization of people don't 
think decentralization works, a lot do, 
but you can't get Albany to do an 
tigation because those in favor of 
absolutely petrified that an exami; 
will show that it doesn't wor 


fore, we keep it. Only Clark, the guru on. 
the subject, now changes his mind and 
says he's opposed to it. Another "ex- 
pert"—]James Coleman [University of 
Chicago sociologist]. The architect of 
busing. We all rushed into busing as the 
answer, only not long ago, Coleman 
announced he doesn't think it works 
anymore. What I'm saying is that we get 
pushed like а pendulum from one side 
to the other by a few “experts,” when 
most of the time, the public knows far 
better. 

PLAYBOY: Wait. Did the public "know 
better" about your dosing Sydenham 
Hospital in Harlem? That was one of 
the major controversies several years ago, 
and it still remains a subject of debate. 
Why did it cause such an uproar—an 
uproar by no means limited to the black 
community? 

KOCH: At the time I closed Sydenham, І 
advised not to get involved, just to 
keep the place open. even though the 
editor boards of the city’s three news- 
pers supported me. Why did I do it? 
Because for 30 years, every administra- 
tion had been told to close Sydenham. 
It was providing poor medical care and 
could not be physically upgraded with- 
out large expenditure, and people sim- 
ply weren't going there for treatment, 
А cop, even if he were shot in the lobby 
of that place, would de nd to be taken 
elsewhere because Sydenham was off lim- 
its to anybody with a major wound. "The 
mergency room couldn't even be classi- 
fied under Federal standards. The posi- 
tion I took was based on ethics, what I 
w as right and wrong. On the other 
ad, the most craven thing the gov 
nor ever did was when all the blacks ran 
up to Albany and asked him to make 
me keep it open. He said, “Well, we're 
gonna look into this," that plus all sorts 
of other bullshit. It was an outrage what 
he did to mislead them, just to get their 
support. He couldn't make us keep the 
place open if he wanted to, and, in fact, 
he himself was for closing it. 

PLAYBOY: You don't sound very fond of 
ew York state governor Carey. Syden- 
m aside, how do you feel about his 
nationally publicized те behavior 
after marrying ouletas? 
KOCH: I'm not а psychiatrist and I'm not 
going to try to get into his skull. І do 
not intend to engage in a layman's 
analysis of his marital life. I don’t per- 
ceive him as emotionally unstable, if 
th at you're trying to convey. Each 
of us obviously has his own way ol doing 
things. I'm not going to pass judgment 
on his having dyed his hair, for example. 
Thats a personal matter. Myself, I 
wouldn't consider wearing а toupee, 
even though I'm balding. 

PLAYBOY: Has it been suggested? 

KOCH: Yes, of course. [Laughs] Not by 
my advisors, though. But even if I wer 
to get a toupee. so what? There'd always 


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be somebody who'd criticize it. 
PLAYBOY: Come on, you don't get criti 
cized as much as most politicians. You 
get along great with the press, don't you? 
KOCH: I happen to have very good rcla- 
tionships with the editors of the three 
major papers. correct. І see them regu- 
larly, and three or four times а year, І 
will ask for an editorial luncheon, 
PLAYBOY: Reportedly, you speak quite 
often with Rupert Murdoch, the con- 
servative press baron who recently 
bought The New York Post and was an 
ardent supporter of Reagan. 

KOCH: І know how that rumor got start- 
ed, and it’s nonsense. The journalist who 
started it is a schmuck. As for Murdoch 
himself, Гуе found The New York Post's 
editorial positions to be extraordinarily 
supportive of what's good for the city 
or, if you will, of my vision of the city 
PLAYBOY: Even though the Post is seen 
by its detractors as the most sensational 
and vulgar tabloid in the city? 

KOCH: What? Its headlines? “KILLER BEES 
COMING TO NEW YORK сіту”? I believe 
bees are coming, ultimately. They're 
working their way up an inch at a 
time from the Yucatán. But why should 
people call The New York Post vulgar 
unless they want to call 1,000,000 read- 
ers vulgar? The real rag that Murdoch 
owns is The Village Voice. 

PLAYBOY: Ah, yes, your favorite. How do 
you fecl about New York's major black 
newspaper, The Amsterdam News? 

KOCH: An anti-Semitic rag. They con- 
stantly refer to [Manhattan borough 
president] Andy Stein as "Finkel"— 
not Finkelstein but Finkel. What are 
they trying to convey? Obviously, that 
he's a Jew. He changed his name from 
Finkelstein to Stein—he didn't change 
it from Stein to Brown—so there's по 
question it's а slur. If you look at The 
Amsterdam News, you'll find that not 
only are they anti-Semitic, they've be- 
come radical as well. They've come out 
against every black and Hispanic coun- 
cil member. 

PLAYBOY: Thus their attacks on you can't 
be construed as reflecting the views of 
the black community? 

KOCH: Oh, God, you're starting 


again? No, they can't How can The 

u~ APE Е Amsterdam News represent the black 

к 1 community if the black community 

"ШТОМ CHATEAUNEUF-DU-PAPE і doesn't even read it? Their circulation 
BOTTLED BY has fallen to nothing. 

i 1 PLAYBOY: You are on record speaking of 
A INT f [5 тт? black anti-Semitism in general, not just 
^" ы & уб ES 1 at that newspaper. We quote from some 

tapes you made for an oral-history proj- 


his 


T PRODUCE OF FRANCE + } 
MÉGOCIANTS ELEVERS A BLANGUEFORT ect, but which were recently published 


in a profile of you by journalist Ken 


Auletta: "I find the black community 


ә ык "Nr ry anti-Semitic. І don't care what the 
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experience with blacks is that they're 


w, І want to be 
k whites are basically 
antiblack. . . . But the difference is: It is 
recognized as morally reprehensible. . . 
KOCH: You got the quote a little screwed 
up. 

PLAYBOY: It appeared verbatim in The 
New Yorker. 
KOCH: It’s not exactly that way. When I 
said, "Lers be fair about it, whites 
are..." I meant that the same kind 
of discriminatory practices exist on both 
sides. The quote was from a tape made 
in 1974 or 1975. It was unedited, and 
it didn't express my complete thought. 
Had 1 been given the opportunity, I 
would have expanded upon 

PLAYBOY: Fine. Why not take the oppor- 
tunity now? 

KOCH: There are two thoughts there that 
need clarification. One is, it wasn’t а 
symmetrical statement. I said that blacks 
are basically anti-Semitic. If I were to 
define it, I was talking principally about 
black leaders, those 1 know. Obviously, 
I don't know the whole black communi- 
ty. Substantively, I still believe that 
there are lots of blacks in leadership 
positions who are anti-Semitic. І don't 
withdraw that comment at all. 

But I also want it understood why 
I think the leaders аге anti-Semitic. 
They're frustrated with their own unsuc- 
cessful efforts to alleviate the conditions 
of poverty and black suffering. It's nice 
to have a scapegoat. And traditionally, 
Jews have always been the scapegoats of 
Western society. It may also be simple 
envy. They say, “Well, the Jews came up 
through the system; why is it that they've 
been able to escape poverty in such 
large numbers?" 

PLAYBOY: Do you think, then, that Jews 
ought to feel a special obligation toward 
blacks? That because of their own ex- 
perience of oppression, they ought to be 
better, more sacrificing, than gentil 
KOCH: I have no guilt complex. My fa- 
ther didn't own slaves. He came here 
from Poland when he was 15, so І am 
not guilty of that. nor do I believe I 
have to pay reparations for it. І spent 
time in 1964 defending blacks against 
the К.К.К. in Mississippi. І may still have 
an obligation today, yes, but no more 
than I do to the Chinese or to any other 
group being discri 


icriminated against. 
PLAYBOY: "That's what's intriguing about 


you—all that time spent on liberal 


causes during the Sixties, a period you 
now denounce as excessive, Besides civil 
rights, you also opposed the Vietnam 
war, didn’t you? 

KOCH: Yes, by voting against military- 
appropriation bills in Congress. And by 
demonstrating. І marched, both in Wash- 
ington and here im the city. But it 
wasn't as simple as it may seem. On one 
occasion, there was a Communist-oper- 
ated anti-Vietmam war creation, the 
Fifth Avenue Parade Committee—— 


PLAYBOY: "Communist 
KOCH: 1 don't want to say they were all 
Communists; I don't want this to sound 
like Koch's fear of the Communists. 
[Laughs] But in my judgment, the ma 
jor movement at that time was Com- 
munist-dominated- 
PLAYBOY: You're talking about leader- 
ship? Funding from Moscow? 

KOCH: No, I'm not talking about sp 
and I have mo idea how they ме 
funded. I'm talking about ideological 
alliances with Moscow, about people 
who perceived North Vietnam as an 
idealistic country and South Vietnam as 
fascist. Myself, I believed that North 
and South Vietnam were both tator- 
ships, one by the Left, the other by the 
Right, and that they deserved cach 
other. At the time, though, there were 
lots of pcople who idealized North 
Vietnam. 

PLAYBOY: Jane Fonda, for example? 
KOCH: І don't want to call Jane Fon 
a Communist because I don't know that 
she is. But she was certainly far Left 
and idealized North Vietnam. Сога 
Weiss, too. With their recordings from 
Hanoi—despicable! My feelings came to 
а head at a meeting at Hunter College. 
Bella Abzug had called in all of the 17 
members of the New York City Congre 
sional delegation. There was a huge 
crowd, a lot of red flags and Hanoi 
partisans, and she asked us to lend our 
names to sponsor this Fifth Avenue 
Parade Commitee. Almost everybody 
said, yes, they were going to sign up 
[laughs], but 1 refused. They began to 
yell and scream at me. I said, "Listen, I 
will walk with Communists and Black 
Panthers, but І will never Iet them lead 
me.” Then you know what happened? 
McCarthyism, thats what happened. 
The crowd began yelling, screaming that 
1 was another Joe McCarthy. 

PLAYBOY: Where was Abzug in relation 
to all of this? 

KOCH: J don't remember precisely what 
she said when I refused, but she cer- 
tainly concurred with the majority. 
PLAYBOY: Is that when you called her “a 
savage"? 

KOCH: І don't remember saying that, but 
I wouldn't гасе it if I did. It's not a 
word I'd normally apply to her, but it's 
OK. 

PLAYBOY: How would you describe her 
today? 

KOCH: Bigmouth. [Laughs] 1 found her 
to be very pushy, counterproductive in 
a whole list of arcas. I hold her respon- 
sible for Е.К.А.5 defeat in New York 
state. People forget that the Equal 
Rights Amendment lost in New York. 
1 was for E.R.A.—I still am—but Bella 
was perceived as the E.R.A. spoke 


woman and was so strident and aggres- 
sive that her attitudes frightened 
people. 


PLAYBOY: A further irony that's tied into 


your feelings about the excesses and 
license of the Sixties is the often-repeated 
comment that many of the radicals 
came from spoiled, upper-middle-ci 
famili: 
KOCH: Sure, I know some of them; the 
kids went to the best schools апа ulti- 
mately decided that what they wanted 
to do was destroy society. І don't know 
what happened to the kids brains, 


of education. In a way, it's like what my 
mother used to tell my brother: 
should have a kid like you. Cod will 
punish you!" [Laughs] What can I say? 
As children, they heard all about the 
injustices and the need foi 
how wonderful the Soviet Union is, how 
U.S. society is fascist, and—unknow- 
ngly in many cases, I'm sure—the chil- 
dren become so enraged that they did 
things that today horrify their parent: 
PLAYBOY: What's come across surprisingly 
strongly in this interview is an abiding 
suspicion of the Soviets and of Com- 
munism. Just how deep does this run? 
Are the Russians out to bury us, as the 
ying goes? 

KOCH: Ultimately, yes, if by bu 
mean take over. І think their goal 
make the Soviet Union the center 
around which all other countries orbit as 
satellites, including the United States 
and the countries of Western Europe. 
here аге people in the United States 
who could be called their counterparts, 
of course, but fortunately, they don't 
represent the vast majority of the leader- 
ship or of the voting public. 

PLAYBOY: You don't see elements of this 
analogous attitude call й a Cold War 
mentality—in the present Republican 
push for a big defense budget? 

KOCH: I've always believed we should be 
ahead of the Soviet Union in our ability 
to defend ourselves. І was one of the 
few “liberals” in Congress who voted for 
defense-spending bills when othe 
New York City did not. TI 
i hed me. But I'm disturbed by 
budget as well. The 
Administration's current analysis 
that only the social programs arc filled 
with fraud and waste, while military 
spending has been honest and necessary. 
Im not so sure about that. The same 
acid test has to be applied to both, be- 
cause both have been filled with sloth, 
waste and inelficiency. 

PLAYBOY: It's been said that the mayor. 
of New York City has to have a fully 
formulated foreign policy. Do you ever 
envy апу of your fellow mayors who 
don't have to articulate such positions? 
KOCH: No, І enjoy it, frankly. New York 
is special that way. We have more 
Puerto Ricans tham in San Juan, more 
blacks than in Nairobi, more ltalians 
than im Naples and, as we said before, 
more Jews than in Tel Aviv. . . . Shall 


you 


91 


PLAYBOY 


92 


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КЕ 


we stop for lunch? 
[Over lunch, at Koch's suggestion, a 
network TV show featuring an extreme- 
ly friendly interview with Koch was 
turned on] 
PLAYBOY: We're suspending one inter- 
view to watch another. Why are we 
watching it now? Why not tape it and 
replay the program for yourself later? 
KOCH: First of all, I won't get home till 
late. And second, we're having lunch. 
[The TV commentator makes some fa- 
vorable remarks about Koch's policies.] 
This is tremendous! [Referring to the 
show] 
PLAYBOY: [4s the program ends] OK? 
We're back on. Would you test the 
mike? 
KOCH: This is Ed Koch with his lox and 
bagels! 
PLAYBOY: Fine. It was unusual, watching 
you watch yourself on television. The 
frequent comment that Ed Koch is a 
little narcissistic—— 
KOCH: Sure I am, a little bit. Not over 
much. I was thinking about that when 
we put the set on—I was sure you were 
thinking, Сес, he wanted to watch 
himself while we were here. The 
answer to that is, it’s not true. Yester- 
day, when we taped over lunch, you ate; 
I didn't. I decided that wasn't going to 
happen again. Second, time is a very 
precious commodity to me and 1 wanted 
to see that show. But, yes, І do watch 
interviews of myself. I think irs helpful 
to learn how I'm coming across, сурс 
cially since you can rarely fool the tube. 
What you see is generally more accurate 
than when you're with the person face 
to face. 
PLAYBOY: We've talked to some people 
active in New York politics and 
one of the more common theories 
of Ed Koch is that the mayoralty has 
transformed him from a shy, wallflower- 
ish politician — 
KOCH: Shy, absolutely. A totally retiring 
personality! [Laughs] 
PLAYBOY: With all the rhedia attention, 
isn't there a part of you that says, "Me? 
How did I do it, how did I get here?” 
KOCH: I am a retiring person. But at 
the same time, I'm able to do quite well 
in public, and this isn't phony. What 
you see is what you get. 
PLAYBOY. One of your oldest political 
associates claims that if power corrupts, 
your only corruption is that as mayor, 
you've become vastly animated as a 
personality. Really, aren't you getting 
off on the show business of all of this? 
KOCH: Oh, sure, І enjoy thc attention. 
Sometimes what I do will be faulted, but. 
1 know I present New York 
in the best light and, yes, І enjoy i! 
for my personality's changing, that's in- 
accurate. I'm no different from when I 
was a Congressman, just more proficient. 
PLAYBOY: The same chutzpah? You're 
claiming you were always “Eddie the 


Lip,” as one of the New York dailies 
recently put it? 

KOCH: Yes, sir. The difference is that be- 
fore, you weren't listening. It’s all in the 
eye of the beholder 

PLAYBOY: Do you think you've changed 
the way you look? 

KocH: No, I dress the same way, 
although it’s strange that people think 
I dress better. I buy the same Brooks 
Brothers suits—on sale—as I did in 
1952. 

PLAYBOY: That far back? Why Brooks 
Brothers? 

KOCH: Oh, it was part of my feeling that 
three-button suits were the thing to 
wear, [Laughs] I'm a very conservative 
person in my likes and dislikes. I don't 
go to fancy restaurants, either. 
PLAYBOY: No? Supposedly, your great 
passion in life, aside from politics, is 
food. 

KOCH: Vastly overstated. 

PLAYBOY: We've heard otherwise. What 
is this, your fourth cook this year? How 
is he working ош? 

косн: Fine. Altogether, there were five 
cooks in four years. [Arches his eye- 
brows] Doesn't everybody have five cooks 
in four years? 

PLAYBOY: Don't you go out to New 
York's great restaurants? Lutéce, for 
instance? 

KOCH: Are you kidding? Once, I went to 
Lutèce and I was very upset. І almost 
always pay for my own meals, but that 
time I was invited. I had a wonderful- 
sounding dish and it turned out to be 
Swedish meatballs. I said to myself, 
“Jesus Christ, I come to Lutéce, І end up 
with Swedish meatballs?” Its a very 
good restaurant, but it's too expensive 
for me. I can give you six restaurants 
where for $15 or less, you can get what I 
consider an excellent meal. 

PLAYBOY: In keeping with the same 
motif—you as everyman—you've also 
ridden the subway, so you know what 
the problems are, right? 

KOCH: Of course, any number of times. 
PLAYBOY: And your mission is to present 
New York City’s case in the best light. 
Now, how can you possibly find a pos- 
itive way of talking about the subway 
when it's хо symbolic of the city's prob- 
lems—its dirt, іпейсіспсу and crimez Be 
creative, convince us it really isn't the 
nightmare everyone thinks it is. 

KOCH: You tell me whether or not we 
have a problem. On that TV show we 
just watched, I gave the figure of 350 
felonies a week committed om the s 
way system, a subway system that carries 
3,500,000 people daily. It's fractional, but 
people are afraid, granted. So you have 
to deal with that and put on more 
cops—ten percent of our total police 
force is assigned to the subway system, 
while only two percent of the city’s 
crimes are committed there. 


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PLAYBOY 


PLAYBOY: That's going to make the sub- 
ау better? 

KOCH: Look, it's improving on a week- 
to-week basis now, but the truly large 
difference will occur when the new sub- 
way cars come on the line. The major 
complaint about the subway is the long 
delays due to mechanical breakdowns 
Better maintenance is опе answer—get- 
ting the Municipal Transit Authority 
people to work more than the three or 
four hours а day they do in some shops 
now. [Laughs] So either we'll get them 
to work the full day—which is only six 
and three-quarters hours to begin with— 
or we'll contract out our maintenance. 
Up to now, I've been getting plenty of 
courtesy but little action. Thats chang- 
ing because of the pressures I've been 
applying, although lately, it's been sug- 
gested that the city take over the sub- 
way rather than let the system continue 
to be run by the MTA 

PLAYBOY: Didn't that notion come from 
Carol Bellamy? 

KOCH: That was her idea, yes. She sits 
on the MTA board, and she's both good. 
and bad. But she has to bear some of 
the blame, since she begged the governor 
to appoint her to it and she voted for 
the MTA contract, which has feather- 
bedding practices, while my appointees 


voted. 
ing that | take over the subway system. 


gainst it. Basically, she's suggest- 


because she'd like to deflect responsibili 
ty [rom herself, which is perfectly 
reasonable. I've seen the syndrome be- 
fore. 

PLAYBOY: And grafiti? Wasn't it fashion- 
able some time back to talk about sub- 
way graffiti as an indigenous art form? 
KOCH: Bullshit. Bullshit twice! Part of 
the problem started in 1966 with the 
New York Times piece, but they now 
recognize how much they were in error. 
One of the things I'm proudest of, 
though, was getting the transit authori- 
ty to put up a fence around one of the 
subway yards to do something about 
тай. Initially, I urged the MTA to 
build a fence around the subway yard 
and put a dog in the yard to keep these 
vandals out. The response was, "No, the 
dog would step on the third rail.” I said, 
“That's ridiculous; dogs don't step on the 
third rail. Why is it that vandals don't 
step on the third rail? But if you're so 
upset about a dog's stepping on the third 
rail, then build two fences and have the 
dog run between them." The head of 
the MTA replied, “But somebody might 
fall between the two fences and the 
dog might bite them.” “I thought that’s 
what dogs were for," I said, “but if 
you're worried, why not put a wolf in?” 
Because, 1 explained, there is по ге 
corded incident of а wolf's ever having 
attacked a human being, except if the 


wolf was rabid. Wolves have had a bad 
rep through history, see. Then a New 
York Times reporter told me 1 was only 
partially right. Не gone to the zoologi- 
cal library—something that the city of 
New York undoubtedly pays for—and 
found that while no wild wolf has ever 
bitten a human unless it was rabid, there 
are cases of domesticated wolves’ hav- 
ing attacked people. So right away, I 
said that of course I'd meant wild 
wolves—you put a wild wolf between 
those two fences, and if the wolf be- 
comes tame, you replace him. Now, І told 
that ridiculous story all around town in 
order to shame the MTA into getting 
something done. They were livid. Jt so 
happens that the head of the MTA has 
a lot of [riends in high places, on editori- 
al boards and the like, and naturally, it 
got back to him. It was the only way I 
could get them to do anything. So now 
they've built fences around the yard and 
put in a dog, and it works. 

PLAYBOY: But the subways are still cov- 
cred with graffiti. 

KOCH: They've done it with only one 
yard out of the 21 yards in the city! At 
the end of cach month, they used to pick 
up 3000 empty spray cans out there. 
Alter they put up the fence, there were 
only five! "Thats gotta tell you some- 
thing. 


PLAYBOY: What? That you can bring 


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PLAYBOY 


96 


some pressure publicly? Using the press 
or anything else that comes to hand? 
KOCH: Yeah, like ridicule. The wolf story. 
But what I really want is the power to 
hire and fire the president of the transit 
authority, John Simpson. Not that I 
would fire him right off, but it would 
change the relationship so that he would 
relate to me as a commissioner, not as 
an independent authority. 

PLAYBOY: Is it possible that you're not 
talking about this at a great enough 
remove? That you really don’t see what 
were driving at? For most people who 
don’t live in New York, the whole 
transit problem is a staple for Johnny 
Carson jokes, jokes that hit home, but 
only your home, not Atlanta or any 
other city. Why? Why is New York's 
transit system such a shambles of in- 
efficiency? 

KOCH: How would these people like to 
live in Boston, where the subway closed 
down from lack of funding? We've never 
closed our subway. But people publicize 
our problems more because New York is 
the place of major interest. I'm not say- 
ing we don't have problems; only that 
compared with the deliyery of services 
elsewhere, we don't do too badly. 
PLAYBOY: The other form of urban 
blight we touched on earlier was crime. 
What changes do you think we need to 
make a dent in that problem? 

KOCH: What we necd is to make the 
protection of society itself more para- 
mount in those areas where protection 
has traditionally been for the defendant. 
PLAYBOY: Like what, specifically? 

KOCH: Restoring the death penalty, as 
I've said. I've always been in favor of it 
because I think it works as a deterrent. 
Even if it did not, however, society 
should express its moral outrage at 
horrendous crimes. Also, with crimes of 
violence, we should impose mandatory 
sentences. The best illustration is New 
York's new gun-control law. Prior to this, 
very few people who were apprehended 
and convicted for illegal possession of 
guns ever went to jail. As a result of 
the campaign that I initiated and that 
had enormous support in the news 
papers more than 70 percent of the 
people convicted of gun violations now 
Bo to jail for a mandatory minimum 
sentence of one year. 

PLAYBOY: Mandatory is mandatory, right? 
Why do 30 percent get off? There are 
still 2,000,000 illegal handguns in New 
York. 

KOCH. Notwithstanding my opposition, 
the law has a loophole. If a judge finds 
extenuating circumstances, he or she can, 
at his or her discretion, dismiss the 
charge or, in the interest of justice, re- 
duce the sentence. 

PLAYBOY: Capital punishment, manda- 
tory sentencing, what else? 

Kock 1 want to release the names of 
or adolescent felons. The law 


prohibits it now, but I think society 
should have a sense of public disdain. 
People should have to live with their 
criminal past. Records of juvenile offend- 
ers that are sealed should be made 
available to the courts so if someone's on 
trial as an adult, his earlier record 
should bear upon sentencing. 

Look, crime is getting worse in New 
York City as well as in the rest of the 
country, and unless we deal with it far 
more strictly, the trend is going to con- 
tinue—no question. The solutions are 
age-old: speedy trials, pretrial detention, 
more cops and stricter sentencing. 
There's also another route, and I hope 
this won't be characterized as “Koch's 
concentration camps": There's no rea- 
son to build massive prison complexes 
costing $100,000 per cell. You can set up 
compounds in our state forests or ma- 
tional parks, prisons with tents and 
barbed wire and dogs, if necessary. 
Whatever it takes—— 

PLAYBOY: Wolves? 

KOCH: Wolves, sure. Not to torture 
people but to separate them from society 
to keep them from committing more 
crimes. I'm all for that; I'm for it on a 
large scale. The greatest impact on a 
person who snatches a necklace or who 
writes graffiti on a subway car or on 
public buildings is to be put away and 
be put away abruptly, even if the sen- 
tence itself is minor or brief. 

PLAYBOY: Speaking of criminals who don't 
get put away, do you find any irony in 
the fact that Little Italy, New York's 
traditional Mafia neighborhood 
KOCH: Is safe? [Laughs] 

PLAYBOY: Yes. 

KOCH: I don't think it has so much to 
do with the Mafia as with the fact that 
people will run out into the street to 
help if there's trouble, The same thing 
can be found in the Hasidic areas, like 
Williamsburg and Borough Park. It's 
like they're small-town; everyone knows 
their neighbors. 

PLAYBOY: And the Mafia in New York 
City? 

KOCH: Yes, Virginia, there is a Mafia. 
And it is engaged, so I understand, in 
drugs, gambling, prostitution, extortion 
as it relates to linens and also, І guess, 
pickles. [Laughs] 

PLAYBOY: You mentioned prostitution. 
You're also famous for “the john houi 
airing on local radio the names of those 
arrested for soliciting prostitutes. Why 
not just make prostitution legal and let 
cops do more important work elsewhere? 
KOCH: I don't think the public wants a 
city like Amsterdam, where you have 
women with whips in shopwindows. 
[Laughs] Moreover, it doesn't work. 
They tried it in France and dropped 
it. In Boston, the so-called Combat Zone, 
it didn't work, either. It's the same re- 
sponse I have to legalizing heroin. The 
public doesn’t want it, І don't want it. 


PLAYBOY: What's the answer, then? Just 
ing more cops? 

KOCH: Frankly, I don't think that would 
necessarily solve our problem, because 
[laughs] 32.000 people were arrested for 
felonies in 1980 just in the borough of 
Manhattan. Out of this 32,000, only 
6000 were indicted! There's more than 
just simple apprehension of the crimi- 
nal The system is made up of the cops, 
the D.A.'s office, the courts, the proba- 
tion service and the prisons. They all 
have problems. We could use more cops 
and we've added to the number of cops, 
but it’s quite expensive. 

PLAYBOY: One of the most common pres- 
sures applied to a politician is the lure 
of easy money. But a theme you've under- 
scored in this interview is the honesty of 
this administration. 15 it possible—is it 
conceivable—that some scandal could 
erupt? 

KOCH: It's simply not possible that five 
years from now, someone is going to find 
that this administration was crooked. It 
isn’t. I can't say there aren't any crooks 
in the city government, since with 
250,000 people working for us, both in 
city and in state jobs, there've gotta 
be some crooks. But I do not tolerate it. 
If I find out you're a crook, I won't move 
you out without anybody knowing about 
it because it might be an embarrassment. 
No, I'll call the D.A. personally and 
say, “Get this guy!” 

PLAYBOY: That sounds like a real hard- 
ass style. On the other hand, you're 
quoted as saying, “I run the city like 
2 large Jewish family." What does that 
mean, that you're everybody's mother? 
KOCH: I didn't say it, Bob Wagner said 
it. I suppose he means that І delegate 
authority and listen to their opinions. 
Few other administrations have allowed 
commissioners to do what they want 
to do within the boundaries of policy 
as set by the mayor. Wherever possible, 
llike to come to a decision on a con- 
sensus basis. But I don't wait for a con- 
sensus. I discuss the matter with all the 
people involved. I hear them out. I 
see if theres a common thread. When 
the positions have been unanimous or 
near-unanimous, I can't recall ever say- 
ing, “Well, I'm opposed.” More likely 
than not, however, there isn't consensus, 
and then I'll say, “This is what we're 
going to do. This is the policy.” The 
Jewish-family aspect of it is that during 
meetings, you can say anything you want, 
be as tough or as critical as you feel 
you have to be. You can take different 
positions, as though it were a family 
sitting down at dinner. 

PLAYBOY: Once again. the hell with de- 
corum? 

KOCH: Of course. Only, when I've made 
a decision, then you gotta go and carry 
it out. In private with me, you can con- 
tinue to try to persuade me that I've 
made a mistake, but you cannot shoot 


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PLAYBOY 


98 


my policies down in public. 

PLAYBOY: For many politicians, it would 
be a liability to grant an interview, 
especially an interview as extensive as 
this one, unless the risks were worth it. 
If you're not campaigning for re-election, 
why are you doing this? Why bother? 
KOCH: I don't want to be ridiculously 
modest, but when people talk about 
New York City, they talk about me. 
Ergo, I believe I help the city by being 
up front and visible. But there are other 
aspects of it. І enjoy the jousting. I 
like the battle of wits. 

PLAYBOY: The confrontation? 

KOCH: The intellectual discussion. You 
call it confrontation. But it has nothing 
to do with furthering my political ambi- 
tions. I know, Ive heard the rumors 
about myself: that 1 might run for New 
York зіме governor; that or as the 
Democratic Vice-Presidential nominee in 
1984. But anyone who suggests I run for 
governor is no friend of mine. [Laughs] 
It's a terrible position, and besides, it 
requires living in Albany, which is small- 
town life at its worst. I wouldn't even 
consider it. As for the Vice-Presidency, 
well, everybody says that next to the 
President, I have the most exciting job 
in the country. Not to denigrate Senators 
or anyone else, I think they're right. 
My job might even be better than the 
President's. 

PLAYBOY: You're grinning again. 

KOCH: [Laughs] 1 know. My job is better 
than the President's. І don't want to say 
that New York’s mayor is as powerful as 
the President, but in terms of direct 
inyolvement in the daily lives of people, 
I may have more impact. I have lots of 
authority and I think I use it. 

PLAYBOY: While you're still grinning, are 
you entirely ruling out, say, a Mondale- 
Koch draft in 1984? 

KOCH: It will not happen. There are no 
drafts in this country. Take my word for 
it, you're a candidate or you're not. I'm 
not a candidate. 

PLAYBOY: Not even if people whose judg- 
ment you respect were to say, "Ed, think 
beyond yourself. It's important for the 
country"? So? 

KOCH: The answer is, I'm not a candi- 
date, so. It has nothing to do with shy- 
ness, coyness or reticence, Either I wi 
run for re-election for a third term or I 
will go into the private sector. I used to 
say that at the age of 65, I'd ask for a 
position on the editorial board of The 
New York Times. [Laughs] 1 happen to 
have a great sense of inner security about 
my abilities, so 1 don’t have to be jollied 
up or stroked about how effective I am. 
I know it. I also know that there are a 
myriad of people out there just as able 
and effective as І am. But right now, I'm 
not worried about re-election. 

PLAYBOY: All right. As we wind up, we'd 
like to try, one last time, to challenge 
this cheery assessment of life in the city, 


to get you to admit that dirt and crime 
can take their toll—— 

KOCH: Look, Гус said that crime is es 
calating everywhere, and we're getting 
our share of that escalation іп New 
York. But if you live here and are af- 
fected by crime, what are your options? 
Escape? Escape to where? You can't 
escape. Crime follows you to the suburbs, 
because, unquestionably, suburban crime 
is rising faster than our own. It's ridicu- 
lous to talk about fleeing to the suburbs 
as a refuge. 

PLAYBOY: America is more than big cities 
and overcrowded suburbs, For many, 
there’s still a more pastoral existence— 
life in the country. 

KOCH: The country? Rural America? 
This is a joke! [Laughs] 

PLAYBOY: Why? 

KOCH. Rural America doesn't exist any- 
more, not even the farms. That day will 
never come back. The wish for it is 
nostalgia, pure and simple. 

PLAYBOY: Come on, Ed. Of course it 
exists, and there are lots of people 
who've become fed up with city life— 
college-educated people who have taken 
pay cuts to live better lives out in the 
country. 

KOCH: It may be that there аге hordes of 
people who've moved to rural America, 
but I'm not aware of them. Also, this is 
an elitist approach, and I don't include 
too many elitists among my friends. 
PLAYBOY: Then at least respond to the 
urge many people have to get away from 
urban life—— 

KOCH: What do you want me to say? 
PLAYBOY: Just that you can't keep apply- 
ing this relentless logic of yours to the 
reality that many people are scared shit- 
less of living in New York City. 

KOCH: You're raising a red herring. 
PLAYBOY: А red herring? By trying to get 
you off your hobbyhorse? 

KOCH: By showing the infirmities of New 
York City. 

PLAYBOY: Not the infirmities. By ac- 
knowledging that New York City has 
enormous problems—real ones, not illu- 
sions. If you admit to the problems, then 
it becomes more credible when you 
speak of New York's advantages. 

KOCH: Correct, But let’s leave out rural 
America, with the cows. 

PLAYBOY: Cows? God, Ed Koch really is 
asnob! 

KOCH: Well, choosing between living 
with people and living with animals. 
[Laughs] But look, there's no question: 
Living in New York City means paying 
a price, obviously. There's a lack of 
privacy. The crowds; the hugeness of the 
city. There's also the anonymity, because 
nobody gives a damn—but this can be 
nice in a way, since it means you can 
lead your own life; nobody interferes. 
You also pay a price in the environ- 
ment: air pollution. The cost of living 


is generally higher—but so are the sal- 
aries, and there are always sales where 
you can shop cheaply if you take the 
time. 

PLAYBOY: What about the loss of time 
because of lousy city services, late sub- 
ways? 

KOCH: Аз opposed to wasting time in a 
car? Or, out in the country, wasting time 
in a pickup truck? [Laughs] When you 
have to drive 20 miles to buy a gingham 
dress or [laughs louder] a Sears Roebuck 
suit? [Cracks ир) This rural-America 
thing—I'm telling you, it's a joke. 
PLAYBOY: But the fact that people are 
moving to the Sunbelt is no joke. 

KOCH: І don't deny the phenomenon ot 
the Sunbelt, but that operates on fan- 
tasy, tco. People are told that there's no 
unemployment in Houston, and there 
probably isn't—but that's because the 
Federal Government has discriminated 
against the Northeast and the older 
cities. But moving to the Sunbelt isn't 
the answer. It's a fad. Ultimately, a lot 
of people will be coming back. Despite 
our transportation problem, despite our 
crime, they are coming back. Obviously, 
many people prefer New York's more 
hurried pace. And nothing prevents you 
from slowing down by relexing in a 
theater or strolling in the park. We 
happen to have great parks, and the 
truth of the matter is that the safest 
police precinct in New York City hap- 
pens to be Central Park 

PLAYBOY: Because people don't go to 
Central Park! At least not at night. 

KOCH: That's not entirely true—— 
PLAYBOY: No? Then shall we take a stroll 
together this evening? Let's cross Central 
Park, from east to west, just after dusk, 
OK? 

KOCH: Not me! [Laughs] Thats just 
tempting fate. Nothing would happen, 
but that's just tempting fate! 

PLAYBOY: OK, one last question—and it's 
the one you always ask: How're you 
doin’, Ed? 

KOCH: During the last campaign, I used 
to say to yoters, “It may be that as a 
result of everything I've done, a lot of 
you will get together and throw me out. 
That's OK. ГІІ get a better job, but you 
won't get a better mayor." Now, what І 
was honestly trying to convey was that 
I'd like to be recalled as onc of the great 
mayors of the city of New York, and I'm 
going to de everything to accomplish 
that. Not the greatest mayor, mind you, 
but as one of the great mayors. I know 
that life is ephemeral, particularly in pol- 
itics. Nothing you do will last forever; it 
just doesn’t work that way. But what I 
want to do is put things into place that 
will last for a long time before they go 
back to the old way. And that, I think 


I've done. 
[Y] 


WHAT SORT OF MAN READS PLAYBOY? 


He's the sort who loves to show his lady some smooth Sunday sailing in a windjammer 
christened for her. While she may not be his first mate or his last, she knows that today 
she'll be alone at the top of his charts. His preference in magazines is founded on sound 
nautical principles. More than 30 percent of the sailboat owners in this country 
read PLAYBOY, since they know it's the best way to keep the wind in their sails. 


100 


FIRST LOOK 


at a new novel 


WHAT 


DO WOMEN 
WANT? 


what kind of man would slip it to his wife's best friend? 


fiction By DAN GIREENBURG On the last 


day of May, precisely three wecks before his 40th birthday, Lance 
Lerner realized with suffocating clarity that his wife was having 
an affair with his best friend. 

He had once too often walked into a room where the two of 
them were chatting together sotto voce and had abruptly and 
awkwardly fallen silent at his appearance. He didn't need a house 
to fall on him. 

His first reaction was disbelief—it wasn't possible. His second 
reaction was belief—it was possible. His third reaction was rage; 
his fourth was a profound sense of having been betrayed; his fifth, 
a horrid feeling of having been abandoned; his sixth, a brief but 
overwhelming attack of nausea. 

His seventh and most enduring reaction was something ap- 
proaching calmness and acceptance. It was, he reasoned, after all 
not really so odd that his two favorite people in the world should 
be attracted to each other. He did not think that Cathy would 
want to leave him—he'd given her everything; what more 
could she want? He did not, he was sure, want her to leave him. 
And yet. ... 

And yet this knowledge of his cuckolding—for, everything else 
aside, that is what it was—had made his marriage disconcertingly 
lopsided. For a man as compulsive, as fanatical about order and 
balance as was Lance Lerner, this lopsidedness could not be 


PLAYBOY 


102 


tolerated. It would have to be corrected. 
Balance would somehow have to be re- 
stored if the marriage were going to 
continue, but what was necessary to tip 
the scales back to flatness? Some kind of 
equal and opposite reaction was clearly 
called for, but what? 

And then he knew. It was so simple, 
really. Even a child could appreciate 
its simplicity and its appropriateness: to 
redress the balance of their relation- 
ship (a term he hated), he would simply 
have a brief affair with his wife's best 
friend. The only problem, really, was 
in determining which of two quite dif- 
ferent women that person might be: 

Cheryl, the blonde TWA stewardess, 
distrusted all men because of the ease 
with which she drew them to her side. 
Like Groucho Marx, she scorned mem- 
bership in any club that would have her 
as a member. 

Margaret, the junior C.P.A, had al- 
ready been spinsterly at 23, distrusted 
all men because of the difficulty with 
which she drew them to her side but 
used the guise of sexless frump to hide 
her true identity—a closet sensualist who 
secretly believed no man was good 
enough for her. 

Lance had always been willing to flirt 
with other women but never more. He 
was afraid of wounding Cathy, of being 
caught and damaging his marriage, al- 
though the prospect of exploring an un- 
familiar female body was so exciting to 
him, he sometimes found it hard to 
breathe, and although the prospect of 
conceiving and executing a secret plot 
to bring it off was possibly even more 
exciting to him than that of the adulter- 
ous act itself. 

For now, though, what he had to do 
was determine who was Cathy's closer 
friend, Margaret or Cheryl, апа then 
steer that person into the sack at the 
earliest possible opportunity. That was 
the only course of action that seemed 
likely to bring peace to his fanatic, com- 
pulsive mind. 

If Lance had been less of а compul- 
sive, less of an extremist, less of а fa- 
natic, the choice would have been easy: 
He would simply have begun plotting 
the seduction of the blonde TWA stew- 
ardess. But because of his fanaticism— 
his conscientiousness, as he chose to view 
it—he suspected that Margaret was actu- 
ally the closer friend and therefore the 
more appropriate target of his retaliatory 
mission. 

To settle the issue, there was one way 
to find out whom he would pursue. 

D 
“Hey, Cathy?” 
"Hmmm?" 
"How's your old friend Cheryl these 


Cheryl? I don't know. OK, I guess.” 


"She still living with that male stew- 
ardess of hers?” 

"I think so. Why?” 

"Oh, no reason, no reason. І was just 
thinking. Cheryl is a pretty good friend 
of yours, isn't she?" 

"Sure. Why?” 

"She's probably your best friend, 
wouldn't you say?" 

“Му best friend? Oh, I don't know. 
Certainly one of my two best. Her and 
Margaret, I mean.” 

“Mmmm. You know, I always thought 
you liked her just a tiny bit more than 
Margaret, somehow.” 

“Really? I don't know what would 
have given you that idea.” 

"I don't know. Maybe: it's just that I 
sense that you admire her more than 
Margaret or something." 

“Admire? Cheryl? No, I really admire 
Margaret а lot more than Cheryl, What's 
this about?” 

"Wouldn't you say, though, that it's 
pretty much of а хозир? That Cheryl 
and Margaret are about equally close 
10 you?" 

"Not really, no. I'm really closer to 
Margaret. What's this about, Lance?” 

"Nothing, really. It just happened to 
cross my mind that you were pretty 
tight with both Cheryl and Margaret, 
and I started wondering who you liked 
more, that's all.” 

"I see." 

"Funny how l always thought you 
liked Cheryl better." 

"Yes, it is. I don't know why you 
would have thought that.” 

“Mmmm. Let me ask you this: Did 
you ever like Cheryl better than Mar- 
gare?” 
thy burst out laughing. 

“Lance, will you tell me what this is 
all about?” 

“Nothing, honey. 1 was just wonder- 
ing, that's all, Can't a person wonder 
about his wife's best friends and not 
have it be about something?” 

“Sure, but it’s sort of weird, that’s all. 
Spending that much time thinking who 
I like better, Cheryl or Margaret. It 
just seems kind of weird, you know?” 

“І don't see what's weird about it. 
Why do you think it’s weird?” 

Cathy looked at him strangely. 

“If I didn't know better," she said, 
“I'd say you were deliberately trying 
to get me to say that I liked Cheryl 
better than Margaret." 

He had gone too far. 

"Why would І ever want you to say 
a thing like that?" 

"I don't know, Lance. You tell me." 

“Forget it,” he said. 

The choice, willy-nilly, had been made. 
In order to save his marriage, he was 
now forced to sleep with Margaret. 

° 
One particularly balmy day in early 


June, Lance decided to call Margaret. 
He chose a pay phone in the street. He 
dialed the number, and as it started to 
ring, his pulse suddenly started pound- 
ing in his throat. He realized he was 
seven years removed from the practice 
of calling women for dates, and he had 
forgotten what the rhythms sounded 
like. When he was in college, he often 
wrote out entire scripts before phoning 
girls for dates, usually reading his lines 
right off the paper. Happily, he'd out- 
grown the practice when he graduated. 

On the fifth ring, somebody answered, 
but the voice didn’t sound familiar. 

“Is, uh, Margaret there?” said Lance. 

“This is Margaret,” said the unfamil- 
iar voice. Was it really Margaret or was 
it somebody masquerading as Margaret? 

“Margaret?” said Lance. 

"Yes?" said the voice. 
"Oh," said Lance, 
didn't sound like you.” 

"Who is this?" said the voice. 

Sweat suddenly prickled his forehead 
and the space between his shoulder 
blades. 

"I'm sorry," said Lance, "this is 

At that moment, the driver of а pass- 
ing cab gave in to the accumulated frus- 
trations of having been able to move 
only three blocks in the past half hour 
and leaned on his horn for approximate- 
ly 60 seconds. 

"What did you say?" said Margaret. 

“I said this i" 

The cabdriver, clearly an emissary 
from a god who did not approve of 
adulterous affairs, no matter how justifi- 
able, gave the horn another 30 seconds. 

“І can't hear youl” yelled Margaret. 

“I'm sorry. This із... ." Lance eyed 
the cabdriver warily, then screamed: 
“Lance!” 

“Jesus Christ,” said Margaret, “I think 
you punctured my eardrum.” 

“I'm sorry,” said Lance. “I thought 
he was going to honk again.” 

“Where are you calling from, Lance, 
the Holland Tunnel?” 

“Ha-ha. No, from the street, actually. 
І just happened to be walking along Mad- 
ison Avenue and I thought І would call 
you up and say hello.” 

Now, there's an assholic way to start 
а conversation, he thought. Maybe I 
should go back to writing out scripts. 

“I see," said Margaret. "Well, then, 
hello, Lance. How's Cathy?" 

“Cathy?” he said. The sweat began 
flowing out of glands he didn't know he 
had, drenching his clothing. 

“Your wife?” said Margaret helpfully. 
"Tall, good-looking woman with large 
breasts and dishwater-blonde hair? 

"Haha. Yes, І know the one you 
mean," said Lance, trying to get into 

(continued on page 112) 


i, Margaret, it 


"Guess what, dear. While you were away, I discovered 
another erogenous zone!" 


103 


104 


can mariel hemingway score in an erotic film about women’s athletics? 
writer-director robert towne 15 staking his career on il 


PERSONAL BEST 


ROBERT TOWNE is taking a per- 
sonal gamble with his new 
Personal Best. Long 
known as the screenwriter of 
such films as Chinatown (for 
which he won an Oscar) and 
Shampoo (which he co-wrote 
with dose fiend Warren 
Beatty) and for his often un- 
heralded work as a script 
doctor (he performed last-min- 
ute surgery on The Godfather 
and Bonnie and Clyde, among 
other), Towne has now 
turned to directing. Personal 
Best, based on his own script, 
captures the competitive and 
sometimes erotic world of 
women's athletics, focusing 
with candor on the triumphs 
and defeats—both on the 
track and off—of two young 
women training for the Olym- 
pics. Writer Rex McGce met 


movie, 


When it came to casting the twa leods in Personal Best, Towne went 
with Patrice Donnelly (tap left) and Mariel Hemingway (top right). 
“Notice how Potrice/s nose goes dawn and Mariel's nose goes up, 
says Tawne. “І liked that contrast.” Above, Tawne directs Mariel. 
“Lady athletes have o grace that even dancers dan't have,” he says. 


ral times dur- 
"owne often 
—as befits any 
director, particularly а first- 
tume one. Even when he sat 
down іп his office and put 
on a Rickie Lee Jones album, 
the tension of the experience 
still came through.” 

PLAYBOY: Do you find all the 
attention you're getting un- 
nerving? 

Towne: 1 would like to propa: 
ate my anonymity as long as 
is humanly possible. I really 
think there’s something to be 
said for the Bostonian, who 
believes that your name should 
be in the paper when you're 
born, when you're married 
and when you die. I think the 
great curse of a writer is the 
loss of anonymity. I hate 
(text continued on page 178) 


seemed franti 


For nearly a year prior ta filming, Mariel spent four haurs a day in training 1a become a convincing athlete. Her co-stars, for the most part, 
didn't hove that problem—Towne cast real athletes (including Patrice, who was once the third-ranked pentathlete in the world) in the movie. 
“You wouldn't have some guy wha had never danced play Nijinsky,” says Towne. "So much of the beauty and drama is in the way they 
move." One of the few other professional actars in the film is Urban Cowboy's Scott Glenn, who plays the girls’ coach (above right). Не not 
only is caught between the athletes’ competition to make the Olympic team but finds himself in the middle of their love affair cs well. 


Mariel leaves Patrice and folls into bed with a swimmer, played by . 
yet another nonactor, Kenny Moore (below and battom). Once an 
Olympic runner, Moore traded his track shoes for a job with Sports 
Illustrated. Towne talked him into the film and out of his clothes, 


“What | wanted to shaw in the steam-room scene [abave] was how 
these girls relate to one another ond how they con bullshit about 
guys," explains Towne. "I think they look great just hanging avt." 


The sequence below shows how, in typical girl-meets-girl fashion, 
Patrice and Mariel get stoned, arm wrestle to prove who's tougher 
ond end up as lovers. “I view it os not ot all lesbion,” soys Towne. 
“It's just onother version of c couple of kids playing doctor.” 


Below left, the coach sees signs thot the girls’ love for each other 
might blunt their fine competitive edge. At one point (below), 
Patrice risks losing а mojor гасе to offer help to a sick Moriel. 


PERSONAL MARIEL 


IT BEGAN, interestingly enough, when writer-director Robert 
Towne saw a picture in a magazine of Mariel Hemingway 
jumping on a trampoline. He was looking for someone to star 
in his production of Personal Best, and he was convinced that 
acting talents were not enough to bring off the role. “Films 
about athletes have never really captured what athletics is 
truly about—which is movement,” he explained. “And I'd 


been told that Mariel was a cross-country skier and a good 
athlete.” 

Few, if any, articles about Mariel have failed to mention 
ber almost tomboy fascination with sporu—from skiing to 
running to horseback riding, hiking, bicycling, camping 
and tennis—so it was a natural asumption for Towne to 
make. “He figured I was athletic,” recalled Mariel wistfully. 
“So did І. I thought this running and jumping would be сазу 
to do. I didn't know it was going to be so difficult.” 

By the time abe found out, it was too late. She had already 


ڪڪ 


b سس‎ 


embarked on her third feature film and her first starring role 
outside of TV. It meant, as getting a job always does, leaving 
her family in Ketchum, Idaho, as well as entering into a 
rigorous training program that began a full year before the 
first frame was shot. And it also meant a controversial role 
аз а young Olympic hopeful who, in the process of discover- 
ing her sexual іде ‚ falls in love with another woman. 

Іс would be difficult to find a less likely candidate for 
controversy. As befits someone who has spent almost all of 
her life in the les-thanthriving (continued on page 184) 


al Best were so impressed with her flexibility, 


Caria ЕА 


| of athletics and dance, that they nicknamed 


." That's considered a step up from her childhood days; when — ^ —— 
the name "Spider. 


A ge a per; 


а 


10 


D 


fiction By GARDNER DOZOIS 


1 DON'T со to bars much. І don't even 
like most bars. Still, every now and then, 
like tonight, I'll want to put down a 
few drinks after work, to fortify myself 
for life in the haven of domestic tranquil- 
lity I call home. And I do know one 
fairly decent place, on a shady side 
street near the institute and the muscum. 
It’s quiet, dim enough to avoid the glare 
but not so dim as to become Hernando's 
Hideaway, drawing a clientele of pro- 
fessional people and technical people, 
with a scattering of footsore tourists. 

I was all the way at one end of the 
bar, which was somewhat crowded to- 
night, and had just gotten outside my 
first solitary drink, staring glumly at m 
self in the mirror and feeling like Philip 
Marlowe during one of his whinier 
paragraphs, when the man came into the 
bar and sat down beside me on the only 
unoccupied stool. 

He was wearing a well-cut but some- 
what rumpled suit and wire-rimmed 
glasses, and his hair was just a bit longer 
than the modish nape-of-the-neck length 
that is now the mark of conformity. He 
was somewhere in his late 40s or early 
50s, with one of those smooth, rubbery 
faces that made it difficult to tell which. 
I had scen that youngold face some- 
where before, though I couldn't remem 
ber just where. He flagged down the 
bartender—who said something to him 
in the jocular tone that bartenders re- 
serve for regulars—and was served a 
healthy double knock, which he imme- 
diately poured down his throat, all at 
once, as if it were iced tea. He set the 
glass down, had it refilled and tossed it 
off again. Then—while the bartender 
was pouring his third drink—he took off 
his wrist watch and held it up close to 
his face with both hands. “Five hours 
to midnight,” he announced aloud to 
no one in particular, “more or less.” He 
dived into his third drink. The watch 
he put carefully down on the bar in 
front of him. It was one of the newest 
and most expensive of digital watches, 
with more controls than the cockpit of 
a 747, and must have cost at least $500. 

1 had been watching all this out of 
the corner of my cye, mildly intrigued. 
He felt my cycs on him. He scowled, 
tossed down the rest of his drink and 
then turned his head toward me. “Do 
you know anything about quantum me- 
chanics?” he asked in a conyersational 
voice. “About the electromagnetic gen- 
ion of instabilities? About runaway 
oscillation? About black holes?” 

g” I said cheerfully. 
My field is computer graphics. 

Good," he said. He fell silent, staring 
into his glass, and after a few moments, 
I realized that he wasn't going to say 
anything morc. 


ei 


‘Why did you ask me that?" 

What?” he replied absently. He was 
staring at his watch in a preoccupied 
way, occasionally pinging the dial face 
with a fingernail 

“If 1 know anything about black 
holes. 

He turned to look at me again, hesi- 
tated, and then called for the bartender 
to give him another drink. I let the 
bartender hit me again, too. When our 
glasses were full, he raised his to his 
lips but took only a small sip this time 
before setting it down again. "When І 
was at school" he said ruminatively, 
glancing at me again, "there was, appro- 
priately enough, a rather sophomoric 
little game that we used to play occa- 
sionally at parties. It consisted of asking 
everyone there what they would do if 
they knew—knew without the possibility 
of a doubt—that the world was going 
to come to an end that evening. A 
stupid game, but if enough people an- 
swered, you began to notice some inter- 
esting patterns.” 

‘Such as?" I said. My years as a doper 
had given me great tolerance for non- 
linear conyersations. 

He smiled approvingly at me. “After 
a while, you'd notice that there were 
really only three basic answers to the 
question. Some people would say that 
they'd spend their remaining time screw- 
ing, or cating an enormous meal, or 
getting drunk, or stoned, or listening to 
their favorite music, or walking in the 
woods . . . or whatever. This is basically 
the sensualist's reply, the Dionysian re- 
ply. Other people would say that they 
would try to escape somehow, no matter 
how hopeless it looked, that they'd 
spend their last moments searching fran- 
tically for some lifesparing loophole 
in whatever doom was posited—this is 
either the pragmatist’s reply or the wish- 
ful thinker's reply, depending on how 
you look at it. The remaining people 
would say that they would try to come 
to terms with the oncoming doom, ac- 
cept it, settle their own minds and try 
to find peace within themselves; they'd 
meditate, or pray, or sit quictly at home 
with their families and loved ones, cher- 
ishing cach other as they waited for thc 
end—this is basically the Apollonian 
reply, the mystics reply.” He smiled. 
“There was some blurring of categories, 
of course: Sometimes the loophole-seek- 
ing response would be to petition God 
to intervene and stop the catastrophe, 
and sometimes there would be a sensu- 
ous edge to the lavishness of the orgy 
of meditation the contemplatives were 
planning to indulge in . . . but, for the 
most part, the categories were valid.” 

He paused to down about half of his 
drink, swishing it around in his mouth 
before swallowing, as if he were about 
to gargle (concluded on page 194) 


ILLUSTRATION BY ERALDO CARUGATI 


if you knew the 
world’s biggest secret, 
would you tell? 


PLAYBOY 


WHAT DO WOMEN WANT? 


(continued from page 102) 


“She was a half hour late! How long could he be ex- 
pected to wait for her, the miserable twat?” 


the spirit of banter. “Cathy is fine. Saw 
her only this morning, as a matter of 
fact.” 

“Tell her I couldn't find the Ralph 
Lauren blouse she wanted," said Mai 
t. "Bloomingdale's had in beige 
but not in mauve. Ask her to call me il 
she wants it in beige. 

“J, uh... don't know if I'll be able 
aid Lance. What was he 
supposed to say: "Oh, Cathy, when I was 
phoning Margaret to see if I could 
get into her pants, she gave me а mes- 
sage about a blouse . . ."? 

"You what?" said Margaret. 

“І mean, I . . . might forget," said 
Lance. Then it occurred to him that 
Margaret would now phone Cathy and 
repeat their conversation, and Cathy 
would ask Lance why he was calling 
Margaret, and. . 

“On sccond thought,” said Lance hur- 


to do that, 


riedl ting it down. Here. . . ." 
He pretended to write on a piece of 
paper. “Bloomie’s had . . . blouse іп 
beige . . . not in mauve . . . call Mar- 


garet if... want in beige." 

“Good boy." sai 

“Listen, Margaret, the reason I'm call- 
ing—how' bout lunch tomorrow?” 
Lance blurted. 

“Tomorrow? Tomorrow's ОК, І 
guess" said Margaret. "Just you and 
me and Cathy, you mean?” 

No, no, no,” said Lance nervously, 
“not Cathy. You and me and . . . no 
body 

"There was a puzzled silence on the 
other end. 

“Is this a surprise for Cathy?" said 
Margaret 

“Ina way,” said Lance. 

“Well, sure,” said Margaret. 
not? Where do you want to eat?” 

Lance was almost overcome with grati- 
tude. 

"How's about Maxwell's Plum? Si 
fourth and First. About twelve thirty? 

: said Margaret. 

"Oh, and don't mention this to 
Cathy,” he said. "I mean, it would spoil 
the surprise.” 

When he hung up the phone, Lance 


“Why 


1y- 


was so drained of energy, he could 
scarcely walk, 
. 
Maxwell's Plum was ornate and 


cheery. A million dollars’ worth of Fit- 
fany lamps, artdeco figurines of naked 
ladies and sculptures of animals hang: 


112 ing from the ceiling looked down on 


Lance Lerner as he waited in the darkest 
corner of the restaurant for the appcar- 
ance of his wife's best friend, who was 
now 20 minutes late. 

d she misunderstood the arrange- 
Hadn't he told her, “Maxwell's 

. Sixty-fourth and First . . . 
about twelve thirty"? And hadn't she 
said, "Fine"? 

Maybe she'd got the day ма 
hed definitely said, “Tomos 
ing today. Maybe she knew what he had 
in mind and had called Cathy. Would 
she do that? No. If she were going to do 
that, she would have done it immediate- 
ly, and he would have heard about it 


immediately, too. The fact she 
hadn't called Cathy suggested that she 
was planning to come. Regardless of 


whether she knew what he had on his 
mind. 

А waiter 
elbow. 

“You wish to order another drink, 
sit? While you're waiting?" he said in 
an amused, patronizing voice. Clearly, 
the fucking waiter was enjoying the 
sight of a guy nervously waiting for 
somebody who appeared to be standing 
him up. Clearly, the son of a bitch had 
never been stood up himself, the faggot 
bastard. 

Why, yes,” said Lance, with a tone 
he hoped conveyed just the right mix- 
ture of disdain and boredom. “Another 
vodka and tonic will be fine.” 

“Very good, sir,” said the waiter and 
minced ой to the bar to regale his col- 
leagues with accounts of Lance's stood- 
upness. 

Lance looked at his watch for the 
40th time. It was now one o'clock. She 
was a half hour late! How long could 
he be expected to wait for her, the 
able twat? He had half a mind to simply 
get up and leave. 

"Hi, Lance. Sorry I'm late. 

He looked up. It was Margaret, ali 
and intact. She looked like she'd been 
running. 

"Well, hi 
think you wer 

"Em sorry, 


appeared once more at his 


" he said coolly. "I didn't 
coming." 
she said, sliding down 
onto the banquette. “І... got detained." 
Was that it? all he got after 
almost 40 minutes of waiting and hav- 
ing to be humiliated in front of an 
entire corps of waiters—I got detained? 
He was fast becoming so furious, he was 
not going to be able to speak at all. 
“Monsieur?” 


The waiter appeared with Lance's 
vodka and tonic and nodded to Margaret. 
"FH have a Tanqueray martini." she 
aid. "Straight up. 
"Very good. та 
er and withdrew. 
Margaret smiled at Lance. He did not 
return the smile. She was wearing a tan 
blazer, a tan skirt and a beige silk blouse. 
She had a Dutch-boy haircut with me- 
dium-brown hair, flat brown eyes and 
horn-rimmed glasses. She wore practical- 
ly no make-up—no lipstick or rouge and 
no perceptible eye liner. He did not 
find her the least bit attractive. For the 
first time, he thought she might be a 
Te: 


ame," said the wait- 


bian. 

“Гта really sorry І was so late, Lance,” 
she said in a quiet, feminine voice he 
had never heard her use before. “I'll tell 
you the reason, but first. . . ." Her voice 
trailed off, and he thought she might 
be blushing. 


he said. 

"Well, first І want to hear why you 
nted to sce те. 
"Why I wanted to sce you?" he said 
stupidly. 

He took his second drink and poured 
it down liis throat. 

"Yes" she said. She was looking at 
him very directly—almost sensuously, a 
slight le on her face. And she was very 
definitely blushing. She does know why 
I wanted to sce her, he thought, That 
makes it easier. And harder. 

"Well" he said, beginning slowly, 
stalling for time, using the trick that all 
schoolboys learn when they don't know 
the answer to what the teacher has asked 
them, beginning the answer by restating 
the question, “why I wanted to see you 
was... I wanted to talk to you.” 

bout what?” 

“About what? About a lot of things, 
actually. First of all, І wanted to talk 
to you about, uh, something that has 
been on my mind for quite a long. - . - 
You see, Margaret, although you and I 
have known each other for several years, 
for almost eight years now, as a matter 
of fact, I don't think we have ever 
Iked—really talked, you know?—about 
things like, uh, well, like the kinds of 
things that, perhaps, you and I would 
have talked about, assuming that we had 
had the opportunity to talk about them. 
То really talk about them, І mean, 
you know’ 

He was awash in perspiration. She 
was looking at him closely. The slight 
smile was still on her face. 

"Lance, do you want to fuck me? І 
that 

He exhaled sharply. Blood surged into 
his cheeks and forehead. 

Well, yes," he said, finding his voice 
now slipping into an odd, quiet and 
(continued on page 194) 


wi 


“Yessirree, folks! Come one! Come all! There are 
thrills aplenty under the big top!” 


PLAYBOY'S SPRING 
AND SUMMER 
ASHION FORECAST, 
PART I 


the second segment of our two-month preview 
showcases the latest looks in casualwear 


attire By DAVID PLATT 


| N мавси, Part І of our Spring and Summer Fashion Fore- 


cast focused on what's new in warm-weather suits and sport 

coats. This month, we've returned to the designer drawing 
board for Part 11—а look at coming trends and colorful inno- 
vations in casualwear. While the color white has always had it 
made in the shade come the hot months, this year menswear 
designers have rediscovered the tennis set's favorite hue and are 
serving up a volley of eye-catching styles. The classic tennis 
sweater has also bounced back for a rematch, but its solid-white 
background has been replaced by shades that have a bit more 
sock to them. The look is especially effective when teamed with 
white shorts. Turning to fabrics, cotton, in styles ranging from 


Left: The whites of spring—a white catton twill jacket, about $60, 
coupled with а white cotton knit shirt, about $24, cable-knit V-neck, 
about $58, and double-pleated slacks, about $43, all by Sal Cesaroni 
for Сезагапі. Right: More winning whites, including a cable-stitched 
crew-neck, obout $132, спа white cotton slacks, $69, both by Bobbie То. 


Above: Базу does it in а polished-cotton poplin double-breasted snap shirt-jacket with on elasticized waist, 582, worn aver polished- 
cotton poplin shorts, $65, both by Bech Thomassen; ond а catton two-buttan pullover with а Henley collar, by Henry Grethel, $22.50. || 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY STAN MALINOWSKI 


5 


116 


Above: Musical chairs for two, anyone? Why not, when our guy is wearing 
а cotton knit crew-neck pullover with diamond Jacquard front and rib trim, 
$80, teamed with a cotton short-sleeved two-button shirt, $36, and multi- 
color pastel-striped cotton slacks with belt loops, besom pockets and straight 
legs, $80, all by Valentino for Chesa. Right: The some barefoot boy with 
cheeks at hand hos now slipped into something even more casually com- 
fortoble—a Durene cotton coble-stitched V-neck pullover with multicolor 
striped rib trim, $100, that he’s combined with a cotton knit two-button 
short-sleeved pullover shirt with striped rib trim, $30, and a pair of pleated 
cotton twill wolking shorts with belt loops, quarlertop front pockets 
and two besom back pockets, $50, all by lynn Novok for Justin ltd. 


sheet-weight slacks to duck-cloth out 
jackets, has proved to be a material asset 
not only for its coolness but because 
there’s a trend back to natural fibers 
over synthetics, especially in the summer 
months. 

This same interest in naturalness ex- 
tends below the belt as well, inspiring a 
greater array of shorts of all cuts and 
ual slacks, too, are springing 
up in splendid diversity; pullons with 
elastic or drawstring waists, looks with 
pleated or plain fronts and styles 
with straight or tapered legs that some- 
times lead down to strapped or elasticized 
cuffs give you alternative pairs of pants 
to choose from when your jeans are in 
the wash. 

Summing up, the end result of all 
these divergent influences on your sum- 
mer wardrobe will be an uncluttered, 
sensible and casually athletic look that 
we bet you'll like. The ball's in your 
court, Bunky. Serve up a fashion ace. 


colors. 


Right: Oh, oh, oh, what a multicolor striped 
cotton long-sleeved crew-neck sweater with 
rib trim, $47.50, con do—especially when the 
some lucky guy hes also pulled on a pair 
of royal-blue cotton twill slacks with elasti- 
cized drawstring woist, on-seam side pockets 
and straight legs, $34, both by Merona Sport. 


personality By ROGER KAHN 


SUNSHINE BOY 


after a lot of dark years, tom lasorda is doing some well-deserved 
basking in the glory of being baseball’s brightest manager 


TOM LasORDA wants to know if I'd like 
to join him on a rapid run to San 
ncisco. It is twilight time in Los An- 
eles, and he has already presided at a 
press conference for Fernando Valenzuela 
and opened a mobile-home show behind 
the center-field stands at Dodger Sta- 
dium 
“Whe 
Now 


e. 


We are standing in the Dodger S 
um parking lot, but at twilight time in 
Los Angeles, it does not look like a 
parking dot at all. Mobile homes are 
moored about us and landscape people 
have covered the asphalt with sod and 
pine bark. They've rigged lemon trees 
and small palms so that the parking lot 
has become a pretend village. The mo- 
bile homes have imitation-stucco exteri- 
ors and real shake roofs and the street 
before us, which is not a street at all, is 
ked with a sign: LASORDA LANE 


“Tomorrow, I talk to Boy Scouts in 
Palm Springs. Then Chic hen the 
Academy in Colorado 
^s eyes are alive with 
You like to travel?” 

1 say, walking into a punch 


"I buried four writers who tried to 
keep up with me,” Lasorda says. 
е 
I knew Thomas Charles Lasorda in 
three or four incarnations before he 


emerged last October as the greatest 
baseball manager on earth. You can 
argue for Billy Martin, Earl Weaver or 
Whitey Herzog. but in October, Lasorda 


guided a good though hardly overwhelm- 
ing Dodger team through two play-offs 
and the world series with that sure 
hand seldom seen since the creation of 


heaven and earth. 

(It bothers me to mix baseball and 
religion in these disco-theology days, 
when God seems to be the star 
pitcher for gue teams 

“How'd you get that last out, kid?" 


Ar 
mostics in last place? What about 
а who said a prayer just before 
he threw a homerun ball? Why don't 
they ever tell us that? 

But you cannot consider Tom Lasorda 
without conside: t least а few of 
his intimates. Fra tra, whose blue- 
stares from a 


all 


whose pictures cover another wall. Bob 
Hope, Andy Granatelli, Norm Crosby 
and Someone Lasorda calls The Big 
Dodger in the Sky 

After a week with Lasorda, 1 actually 
began to perceive Him. A cloud by day 
and a pillar of fire by night? Not at all. 
The Big Dodger was huge and bearded, 
as in Old Testament illustrations, but 
He wore white baseball knickers and a 
blue cap marked with the letters La. He 
was saying, in a yoice more mighty than 
10,000 Cosells: (continued on page 186) 


ILLUSTRATION BY KIM WHITESIDES 


119 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY 
POMPEO POSAR/KERRY MORRIS 


15 no accident california dreamer 
linda rhys vaughn is wise beyond her years— 
she never stops moving ahead 


SMALL 
WONIDIRIE 


TIKE MERCURY, Linda Rhys Vaughn is hard to pin down, Californian by birth, Californian by 
nature, she lives a gypsy's rapid life like a small, hurried trickle of quicksilver. 

"My dad was a cowboy," she explains, "and he worked in the feed lots. We moved from 
feed lot to feed lot, wherever the jobs were. І still like to keep moving.” 

We'd heard she was on a whirlwind tour without a schedule, so we flew into Los Angeles 
International Airport and stepped right into her contrail. 

We tracked her to Beverly Hills, then followed her down the Pacific Coast Highway to 
San Diego. From there, the trail led to Ramona, which sits in a cluster of hills under stars 
that seem too clear for Southern California, and from there to a vacated motel room in 
Escondido. We found her, at last, at the bottom of a ski slope in Lake Tahoe. Tahoe was where 


“I really do wear lacy things 
and English riding attire— 
Гт a romantic. І like full 
skirts, black boots and tons 
of petticoats. If I had an in- 
teresting lunch date, Га wear 
a garter belt and hose. T hat's 
pretty conservative, isn’t it? 
And I'm the only one who 
knows they're there. Usually.” 


“Last week, I got to do a fantasy 
sequence on film. It was like a 
dream—for a while. 1 was riding 
my favorite horse, in the nude. 
But when you aren’t wearing any 
clothes and you're riding on a 
swealy horse, it can get slippei 

He got hyper and started bucking. 
All I could think was, Oh, my God— 


there are stickers down there!” 


"I want to have children and a 
house someday, but І also want 
to experience everything І can be- 
fore then. 1 think each woman 
should have a chance to do that 
sometime in the early part of her 
life. She should experience all she 
can and she should never be afraid. 
I used to be scared to death, but that 
was before I was 19. Not anymore.” 


124 


she lived. For then, anyway. 

moved up here last September 
just to be іп the snow. There's not 
much to do but ski and party," she 
says. "Everyone goes to a Mexican] 
Irish restaurant called Carlos Mu 
phy’s—when somebody scores а touch- 
down on Monday Night Football, they 
serve 50-cent kamikazes. The limit's 
five. I never know who won or what 
the score was, but it's good to be away 
Irom the city. 

She's not a great. deal taller than a 
ski pole. She weighs 98 pounds. Her 
young girl's face and fast smile draw 
stares whether she is at the top of a 
slope at Tahoe or on the streets of Los 
Angeles—a previous stop on her stacca- 
to agenda. 

"I'm an experimenter. І can’t judge 
anything without trying it,” she asserts. 
“One time, my mom went on vacation, 
and I was about the age where І want- 
ed to get out on my own. So 1 took my 
chance while she was gone and moved 
10 L.A. with $50 in my pocket. I was 
19.1 (text concluded on page 246) 


“Most people who have to move a 
lot as children get terribly shy, and 
that's the way І was even before 1 
started going to school. Eventually 
I kind of overcame the shyness. 


“I have always wanted to be a fine equestrienne. So I com- 
pete and pick up a trophy every now and then. The rela- 
tionship of а girl and her horse is one of the most important 
elements of all. It’s very special. My favorite horse is an 
Trish stallion, a Connemara Pony. He's really good, and we 
both love the action. And there’s fox-hunting in San Diego, 
so І get to go there and put on my formal riding clothes.” 


“My mom is one of the people I respect the most. Her 
strength may be the best thing about her. She's my campaign 
manager—she thinks I ought to find somebody to take care 
of me, but she’s awfully supportive of almost everything I 
do. When I go home to Ramona, she lets me ride my horses 
or sit with my dogs for hours. I'm still a good girl—a little 
mischievous, but innocent, happy and down to earth.” 


PLAYMATE v SHEET 


BUST: ne plac Lt yp Capp Lei. 
HEIGHT: ° Я wercut: 98 тсн: 
BIRTH DATE: 9- //- 579 BIRTHPLACE: 


AMBITIONS: 


Monte. 
FAVORITE PERFORMERS: 205 ә 


FAVORITE SPORTS: Хей, Rdr. 


IDEAL MAN: Duas д вас, 


SECRET FANTASY: SE take a 


3 mo. ; 
Kindo Chubby/ E зар 


The A lors / 


PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES 


apartment, "but right now you look more like 
a Taurus with penis rising." 


The bad news about California's Med-fly 
problem is, unfortunately, that when the last 
of the little buggers is exterminated, some 
10,000,000 relatives will wing it from the 
Mediterranean for the funeral. 


Our Unabashed Dictionary defines orgy direc- 
tions as balling bearings. 


For some time. a loudmouthed drinker had 
been taunting an obviously gay fellow down 
the bar, who finally exploded and invited the 
bully to step out into the alley. Laughing, 
the taunter headed for the side door. Before 
his challenger did so, though, he asked the 
bartender for two ice cubes, which he popped 
into his mouth. “Numbing your teeth before 
he punches you?" the bartender inquired. 

"No, my dear man," replied the gay, remov- 
ing the ice to talk, "Im going to coldcock 
the big bastard!” 


| refer,” says a cocksman named Watt, 
“To my phallus in heat as my ‘hot’; 

And the name of the game, 

I explain without shame, 
Is contained in the phrase ‘hot to twat’ " 


Cable television reputedly has plans for an 
X-rated late-night offering—to be called the 
Dick Cavity Show. 


While the young man was still undressing 

in the mat room, his date lit up with the 

remark, “I always have a cigarette before sex.” 
“You shouldn't, you know," her bedmate- 

to-be warned with forced jocularity. “Those 

gs stunt your growth.” 

lon't you ever smoke?" she asked. 

No," he replied as he removed his shorts. 

o.” the girl commented, lifting her gaze, 

"what's your excuse?” 


lt you thought my designer-jeans commercials 
were suggestive,” a young actress-model told 
her interviewer, "waitll you see my endorse- 
ment of cherry pop!” 


You most certainly kept your royal cool, Your 
Majesty,” remarked the lady in waiting admir- 
ingly, “when that ruffian EIUS to frighten 
you on your horse with his gunfire." 

"Not to have worried," responded the queen 
graciously. "After all, my dear, the prince 
consort has been shooting blanks in our bed- 
chamber for years." 


In the West once, a passionate lass 
Was considered a great piece of ass! 
But when rustlers fled town, 
She preferred to go down 
As she headed them off at the pass! 


The office cocksman had just begun to lay 
his line on the brand-new stenographer when 
the veteran female employee got into the act. “I 
guess you haven’t been appropriately intro- 
duced to Grant, have you, Kitty?” she said 
sweetly. “One of the monuments around here 
is Crant's tumescence." 


a 


EN 
| 
| 


N 
ў 


à 


An old woman in the West Virginia hills 
received a letter from her grandniece, who 
had gone off to the big city to seek her fortune. 
Puzzling over the writing and the contents, 
she reported to her husband, "Annie Mae says 
here that she's got herself a job in a...a... 
a... it must be in a ‘message parlor.' " 
reckon cityfolk must leave word there 
fer their neighbors and kinfolk—not havin’ 
back fences,” commented her husband. “Does 
Annie Mae say how much they pay her?" 

“That's the part I just саіп' take in, fer the 
life of me, Paw," answered his wife. "She says 
she gits thirty-five dollars fer a hand-delivered 
message and sixty dollars if she blows it to 
"em!" 


Heard a funny one lately? Send it on a post- 
card, please, іо Party Jokes Editor, PLAYBOY, 
Playboy Bldg., 919 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, 
Ill. 60611. $50 will be paid to the contributor 
whose card isselected. Jokes cannot be returned. 


“Old salts never die—they just keep getting saltier.” 


133 


THE WAR 
ON DRUGS: 
A SPECIAL 
REPORT 


article By Laurence Gonzales 


behind the lines of this fiery 
propaganda campaign 

lies a chilling threat to us all— 
even if our only addiction 

is to liberty and justice 


ILLUSTRATION BY KINUKO Y. CRAFT 


A hideous ecstasy of fear and vindictive- 
ness, a desire to kill, to torture, to smash 
faces in with a sledge hammer, seemed to 
flow through the whole group of people 
like an electric current, turning one even 
against one’s will into а grimacing, 
screaming lunatic. 


ONE WALL OF Judge Fred Biery’s courtroom was fitted with picture win- 
dows, and across the plaza I could see Alamo Bail Bonds and Ace Bail 
Bonds and the dark, sharp-featured Indians shuffling to and fro in a Texas 
heat that made the whole scene shimmer as if it were painted upon the 
surface of a pond. On another street, a tiny tailor's shop advertised by means 
of a hand-lettered sign in the window: WE REWEAVE BULLET HOLES. 
Slumped on the bench behind me was a heavy-set pachuco with his thick 
brown arms crossed on his massive chest. I sensed that he wasn't the sort of 


Whenever a government seeks to ex- 
pand social controls beyond acceptable 
bounds, it must first create the illusion 
of a danger so grave that spectacular 
4 unorthodox measures are seen by 
the middle classes as vital to their pro- 
tection. 

Quite apart from its stated purpose— 
the reduction of drug use and supply— 
the war on drugs has served only to 
perpetuate itscl and to violate the 
fundamental liberties set out in the 
Bill of Rights. This is being achicved 
by the illusion of grave danger—in 
this case, the danger of marijuana. To 
create the required intensity of fear, 
the people behind the antidrug cam- 
paign have tried to convince parents 
that (1) their children are addicted 
to marijuana and (2) marijuana is far 
more dangerous than everyone had 
been led to believe—in other words, 
that there is new scientific evidence 
refuting all previously established sci- 
entific fact. 

This, in effect, is the case against 
the Bill of Rights—and it is made 
through the voices and writings of a 
handful of “experts” willing to say 
just about anything to make their mes- 
sage convincing. Here few of the 
more prominent players in this cynical 
game. 

HAROLD VOTH is the author of 
“How to Get Your Child off Mari- 
juana,” a tabloid-newspaper insert that 
appeared all across the state of Texas 
Included. it was the Marijuana 
Dwarf you see below. The 
illustration, originally 


is 


THE CASE AGAINST 
THE BILL OF RIGHTS 


ing Council, was used in Nixon's 
war on drugs and was later presented, 
along with Voth’s lengthy text, to con- 
vince parents that their children were 
on drugs. As one noted psychologist 
aid of Voth's warning signs of тагі- 
juana use by children, “Sounds like 
the symptoms of puberty to me.” 
GABRIEL NAHAS is fond of telling 
whomever will listen that when he was 
a child in Egypt, his father took him 
through the streets to see the wretched 
human refuse that hashish smoking 
could produce. Nahas, an otherwise 
wellcredentialed researcher, has been 
involved in his own antimarijuana 
ampaign for years. In fact, he found- 
ed his own International Medical 
Council on Drug Abuse, which was 
responsible for putting together a 
conference i Fr where 
much of the mythical anti- 
marijuana research was first put into 
nass circulation. He published a book 
based on that conference called Mari- 
juana—Deceptive Weed, which was 
panned by the prestigious New Eng 
land Journal of Medicine. Nahas 
threatened. to sue the Journal, which 
rereviewed it. The second reviewer 
also panned it. Dr. Norman Zinberg, 
a prominent marijuana researcher a 
Harvard University, called the book 
meretricious trash." Nahas’ comments 
and writings appear also in Reader's 
Digest and іп a magazine called War 
on Drugs, published by radical right- 
wing cult leader Lyndon LaRouche 
(airline passengers will have seen 
LaRouche’s pod people stationed 
* around major airports bearing 
Zw signs with such slogans as sur- 
PORT NASA—SEND JANE FONDA TO 


THE моом:). A Nahas quote 
“2 іп one publication—appearing 
ае above an advertisement for a 
voee cellulite cure—cautioncd that 
Seats. "the upcoming generation 
Я may contain a 'majority of 

ЧИЛ пім.” 

VW. — ROBERT 1. DUPONT, 
XX former head of the National 
ха ‘Institute on Drug Abuse 
* (ХІБА), is now in charge of 


American Council on 
ana (A.C.M), a radical 

antimarijuana group. He's also 
on the board of directors and is 


the 


cw Ше president and chief executive 


officer of A.C.M. Once in favor of de 
alization of marijuana, DuPont 
now a (continued on page 210) 


р 


son you would want to stare at, so І 
allowed myself one quick backward 
glance. I had the same sensation I might 
have had looking suddenly over a preci- 
pice, A crude blue cross was tattooed 
squarely between his eyes. 

But it was nothing unusual. This was, 
after all, San Antonio, where even the 
prosecutors wore cowboy boots into 
court, where defense attorney Gerald 
Goldstein carried a copy of Low Rider 
magazine in his briefcase and where his 
18-year-old client faced a prison term for 
possession of two marijuana cigarettes. 
Up on the stand, a scientist was making 
а convincing argument that marijuana 
was misclassified as a mind-killing nar- 
cotic. The skinny, diminutive defendant, 
wearing a wrinkled blue T-shirt, sat in 
гей incomprehension, apparently more 
than a little disappointed to learn that 
the cigarettes for which he might go to 
jail had not contained а mind. g 
narcotic. 

Sull, there was something peculiar in 
шас courtroom—something genuinely 
out of place—and it was not Judge 
Bierys yawning at the ceiling, nor the 
fidgeting defendant's attempts to hide his 
hands in his armpits. It was not even 
the gentleman with the cross hammered 
between his eyes. It was a small group of 
neatly sculpted Neiman-Marcus house- 
wives—P.T.A. ladies with S120 hairdos 
nd that misplaced, irritated air of Con- 
corde passengers who have just been 
bumped from their flight. What were 
they doing in that dingy hole of justice 
when they could have been out examin- 
ing marquetries at Sotheby Parke Bernet? 
Why would they come to sit in this air- 
less room and watch the distasteful busi- 
ness of justice being meted out to the 
ffected and disfigured? 

"I worry about all those women want- 
ing that kid to get nailed," Goldstein 
said. “They want to see blood. 

Goldstein, who is one of the best 
criminal lawyers in Texas and a frequent 
defense counsel in major drug cases, had 
flown im the eminent scientist now 
seated on the witness stand to help dem- 
onstrate why the state's marijuana law 
should be overturned. In truth, however, 
Goldstein couldn't have chosen a worse 
time to test the law; that was made clear 
when he'd greeted the ladies in court 
and they'd recoiled in gaping horror, as 
if he'd had a sign around his neck that 
said, HERPES, 

"The women, you see, were from the 
Texan’ War on Drugs Committee, 
founded in 1979 to organize antimari 
juana parents groups throughout the 
state. Rather quickly, the membership 
reached 1,000,000, which is about eight 
percent of the population of Texas. Con- 
inced that their children were addicted 
to marijuana and that marijuana (in 
addition to being addictive) caused 


cancer, brain damage and birth defects, 
these shock-troop moms were highly 
motivated, heavily funded and carefully 
organized. In their zeal, they have done 
more to undermine basic civil liberties 
than any other movement since Joe 
McCarthy's anti-Communist crusade. 

Although Texas is an important battle- 
ground, the war on drugs is hardly a local 
phenomenon. The fight against ma 
juana is priority business in both the 
House and the Senate of the United 
States. It is the pet project of First Lady 
Nancy Reagan, as well as of the Attorney 
General, the Department of Health and 
Human Services (formerly HEW) and, 
lately, the FBI. It is also a very con- 
venient political tool for President 
Reagan. With such conspicuous support, 
ihe national campaign has progressed 
with alarming speed: There are now 
more than 2000 active antimarijuana 
parents’ groups, am average of 40 per 
state. (No one is even prepared to guess 
at the total number of members) The 
target is "parents of children ages nine 
to 14," and the message is always the 
same: Your kids are on dope / Dope kills. 

Prominent Aus attorney Randall 
Buck Wood has characterized the cru- 
sade in his state as a panic campaign. 
“They've taken Federal money funneled 
through the state and set up hearings to 
frighten the hell out of everybody with 
one horror story after another,” Wood 
says. “They've just inflamed the com- 
munity and convinced the parents that 
their kids were probably dopeheads.” 

The same can be said of the war on 
drugs as it is being waged at the national 
level. The strategy and tactics are identi- 
cal. The money comes out of the same 
pocket—yours. And the result of creating 
all this panic is to erode or eliminate 
basic constitutional protections. Con- 
sider, for example, one law that was 
passed in Texas after the parents had 
been frightened enough to pressure the 
legislature into action: It makes it legal 
for police to break and enter in order to 
install wiretapping and room-bugging 
devices. Due to the wording of the law, 
these activities сап be conducted vir- 
tually without probable cause, which 
directly violates the Fourth Amendment 
guarantee against unreasonable search 
and seizure. 

Another bill passed about the same 
time in reaction to pressure from the 
parents makes oral confessions admis- 
sible as evidence in court—in spite of 
Fifth Amendment guarantees against 
self-incrimination. Richard “Racehorse” 
Haynes, the noted defense attorney of 
Blood and Money fame, offers а new 
version of the Miranda rights to be used 
by police in conjunction with this law: 
“You have the right to remain silent as 

(continued on page 158) 


In the early Seventies, the National 
Commission on Marijuana and Drug 
Abuse undertook the most comprehen- 
sive rescarch survey of marijuana ever 
attempted. The commission ultimately 
found that, in the words of one of its 
members, "what we have done in this 
country is create а Drug-Abuse Indus- 
trial Complex, a new growth industry 
that spends more than a billion dollar 
a year and does not have eradication 
of the drug problem or even lessening 
it as its primary goal." 

Its primary goal is self-perpetuation. 
It is similar to an old-fashioned church 
in which the preacher—through threats 
of heil-ire and damnation—frightens 
the congregation into giving him 
money to build bigger churches in 
which to frighten them with hellfire 
and damnation, all the while claiming 
to save their souls. A perfect example 
of how the Drug-Abuse Industrial Com- 
plex works is the campaign conducted 
last year by the Texans’ War on Drugs. 
Using Federal money, a massive propa 
ganda battle against marijuana was 
organized. Parents were whipped into 
such a panic that they stormed the state 
legislature and forced lawmakers to 
pass five new bills. The bills, which are 
of little use in combating drug traffic, 
go a long way toward expanding po- 

се power and funding. The same 
vicious cycle operates on the Federal 
level as well. 

The controlling organization—the 
preacher, so to speak—is a combination 
of the National Insutute on Drug 
Abuse and the law-enforcement indus- 
try (primarily the Drug Enforcement 
Administration [DEA] in recent times). 
These groups provide the information 
and education that frighten the parents 
into forming groups such as the Texans’ 
War on Drugs, which eventually 
put pressure on local law- 
makers—and then on their 
representatives in the 
U.S. Congres. Con- 
gress reacts by sup- 
plying more funding 
and expanded 
powers to NIDA 
and law-enforce- 
ment agencies, which 
turn around and gen- 
erate more fear to 
keep the cycle going. 
That is the Drug-Abuse 
Industrial Complex. 
The moyement around the 


THE DRUG-ABUSE 
INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX 


cycle generally takes several years. Ac- 
cording to a report commissioned by 
NIDA, there are now, “by conservative 
estimate, 2000 or more of these 
groups,” or at least 40 groups per 
state. Texans’ War on Drugs alone had 
more than 1,000,000 members. The 
NIDA report describes how far the 
current cycle appears to have pro- 
gresed: “They have reached or are 
approaching saturation levels in terms 
of providing information and educa- 
tion to parents.” In other words, the 
moyement has produced enough fear 
so that parents are ready to begin 
exerting pressure, which is why these 
groups can now be found at hearings 
in the nation’s Capitol. Congress is 
already reacting, pushing toward com- 
pletion of the cycle; there are scores of 
bills now coming out of the Senate and 
the House demanding everything from 
larger appropriations for the drug- 
abuse industry to AWAC surveillance 
of drug smugglers. 

Most of the parents’ groups seem to 
cut their teeth on local lawmakers. One 
of the easiest targets is the head shop, 
where something tangible—drug para- 
phernalia—can be found. Since about 
1977, the hystei has spread from 
Georgia to Florida, the District of 
Columbia, California, Washington 
state, Nebraska, Indiana and Massa- 
chusetts. Now there are national um- 
brella organizations to oversee the 
various groups; one is the National Fed- 
eration of Parents (N.F.P.), with which 
Nancy Reagan has aligned herself апа 
for which President Reagan has pro’ 
ed statements for publication. N.F.P. 
and others have been quite successful 
at generating new legislation, some of 
which will eventually expand the 
power and funding of NIDA and the 

law-enforcement industry. 
The Drug-Abuse Industrial 

Complex, of course, gen- 

erates no consumable 
product; it is a 
closed system, eas- 
Лу kept running 
in an inexhaust- 


requiring ev- 
easing 

of Federal 

+ In its final 

the commis 
it "a never- 

е. 


137 


“У 


PLAYBOY 


140 


January 1983, when the cost of leasing 
telephone equipment will no longer be 
buried within the monthly service charge. 
It will bc cven easier then to compare 
how much it really costs to rent versus 
buying a phone. If youre venturing into 
the plug-ivin-yourself world for the first 
time, here are a few things you should 
know that will make your transition a 
оой one. 

First of all, youre not oblig 
buy or Tease a telephone І 
phone company, whether it be a Bell 
company, a GTE subsidiary or another 
independent. A 1977 Federal Communi- 
cations Commission ruling gives you the 
right to have a standard mini outlet in 
your home so you can hook up your own 
phone. If your place doesn't have a 
phone jack, the local phone company 
must install опе. There will probably 
be a one-time installation charge and, 
perhaps, a negligible monthly charge for 
using the phone company's outlet and 
inside wiring. But with at least onc jack, 
you can plug in a splitter (such as 
"Telco's 2 For] Adapter), which enables 
you to hook up two pieces of gear—: 
phone and ag machine, fc 
ng a second 


ated to 
m your local 


k 


home is already wired, not 
with mini outlets but with the older, 
four-pronged outlets, you're in good 
shape. All you necd are adapters (such 
аў Telcos ConvertA-Plug), which are 
readily available at phone and electron- 
ics stores. 

While the phone company must do 
something for you, albeit with charge, 
you must do something for them in 
return. Only FCCcertified cquipment 
should be plugged into your jack. Then 
you need to call your phone company 
and advise them of the equipment model 
number and Ringer Equivalency Num- 
ber, or R.E.N., as stated on the unit. Dif- 
ferent gadgets require different currents 


to ring their chimes. Using noncertified 
gear could cause problems with the local 


circuits. If some difficulty is traced to 
your illicit gadget, you'll be held rc- 
sponsible for repair costs. Plugging in 
t gear gets you olf the hook 

Next, if you're accustomed to (nay, 
expect) the speed of Touch-Tone push- 
button dialing, you may be in for a 


Іс, 


surprise on some gadgets that dial out: 
t 


Push buttons do not guarantee tha 
there's tone dialing inside the unit. 
Most telephone-equipment. manu 
turers try to make equipment that is 
compatible with all local phone systems. 
Unfortunately, not all local systems re- 
spond to push-button tones. But all 
accept what is known as pulse dialin 
the click, click, click Kind of dialing 


found on rotary-dial phones. Some sys- 
tems accept a pulse rate of 20 clicks, or 
pulses per second (pps), but the lowest 
common denominator is ten pps. So most 
of the push-bution-type phones you see 
in stores electronically convert the push- 
button figures to ten pps. You can push 
the buttons as fast аў you would on 
Touch-Tone phone, ise the phone 
members" the order in which you've 
pushed the buttons while slowly pulsi 
out the numbers. If the number you're 
calling has lots of eights, nines and zeros, 
you can expect to wait four or five sec- 
onds before the pulses catch up. 

On the other hand, if you're using 
a rotary-dial phone and your phone 
system accepts tone dialing, you can re- 
place the handset mouthpiece with one 
of Buscom Systems’ Soft-Touch dialers. 
These not only give you tone dialing 
with buttons on the mouthpiece but also 
store 20, 40 or 80 phone numbers for 
speed dialing. 

Remember, too, that while do-it-your- 
self phone gadgets are easy to plug in, 
many are very sophisticated pieces of 
electronic equipment with features and 
conveniences not readily apparent from 
looking at the controls. You'll save your- 
self much time and trouble if you read 
the owner's manual first. 

Now lets take a look at the latest 
trends and features in phone equipment. 


SPACE-AGE STYLING 


If а cartoon-character telephone seems 
a bit Mickey Mouse to you, there are still 
some interesting alternatives to the stand- 
d Ma Bell model. One-piece phones 
are the latest styling rage and each one 
scems to have something special going 
for it that the others don't. 

Webcor's stand-up-style Zip phone 737 
is one of many new phones that answer 
the question “What are those two extra 
push buttons [* and #] for, anyway?" 
Very low-power microcircuits inside the 
telephone (they get their juice from the 
phone company) remember the last num- 
ber you dialed. If the line is busy or 
you need io call again, simply press the 
# bution and it automatically redials 
the entire number for you. The 737 uses 
the * button as a mute switch. When 
you press it and hold it down, it cuts off 
your microphone, so you can confiden- 


tially tell an associate in the room what 
you really think of the guy you're talking 


off the electronic bell if you'd prefer not 
to be disturbed by a ringing telephone. 
U.S. Tron’s 555 Melody On Hold 
one-piece phone docs just what the name 
mplies—it entertains your caller with 
the strains of an electronic Für Elise 
while you answer the doorbell or what- 
ever. Onyx Telecommunications’ Tor- 


toise Phone, on the other hand, just sits 
there looking humpbacked until you 
pick it up; then the microphone flips 
open, putting you on the line and reveal- 
ing its push-button dial. 

When shopping for a new phone, try 
t out at the store if possible. You've 
grown accustomed to the feel of a home 
phone, and the new one may not be com- 
fortable, especially to your ear. Crunch 
it between your head and shoulder for a 
while, or make a local call to someone 
who knows your voice and get a candid 
opinion on how you sound. Microphone 
elements respond differently to various 
voices. Also, don't buy a phone for only 
its looks or gimmicks. It has to be func- 
tional as well. 


AUTOMATIC DIALERS 


If you're good at forgetting phone 
numbers and losing your little black 
book, consider investing in an automatic 
dialer such as Dictograph's Phone Con- 
troller. This compact $120 desktop de- 
vice plugs in between your phone and 
the phone jack and takes over for your 
phone's rotary or tone dial. Use its flat- 
membrane keyboard to enter a phone 
number and a red digital readou: lets 
you confirm whether you've pressed the 
right buttons. If correct, then press DIAL 
and the number zips out in either tone, 
ten or 20 pps (you select which by a 
switch on the back) Іп the tone-dial 
position, the typical seven digits are sent 
out in a blink. What's morc, the Phone 
Controller remembers 30 phone numbers 
for one-touch dialing. Each memory 
stores up to 16 digits, so you can store 
international direct-dial numbers or ex- 
па code numbers for MCI, Sprint or 
other cutrate longdistance services. 
Hooked up to a business line, where you 
need to dial 9 and wait a second for 
access to an outside line, you can make 
the 9 and the pause part of the stored. 
number. If the number is busy, there is 
not only automatic redial but also a pro- 
grammable redial that will automatically 
try the last number once every minute, 
as often as you tell it to. And there's a 
clock built in, as well as a call 
speaker for conference listening, a secret 
code to lock out anyone trying to use 
your phone and a battery backup for the 
memories if the power fails. 

But if 30 memories aren't enough, 
you'll want to look at the Computer- 
phone HCT-3000, by Zegna. In one $250 
desktop package, you get a push-button 
telephone (ten pps converted), a green 
digital display, а 73-number, 14-4 
memory, a digital clock that can also 
show the time in two other time zones, 
an alarm clock and a stop watch. A іше 
card directory even pops out from under 
the unit to help you locate the code 


- I like that in a woman! 


il pig, Alice... 


PLAYBOY 


number for the call you want to make— 
unless you can remember all 73. 


ANSWERED 


G MACHINES 


While phone answerers have been 
around for several years, today's ma- 
chines offer more performance for the 
money at the inexpensive end of the 
spectrum and some sophisticated tech- 
nology at the high end. For light-duty 
home use, a number of simple single- 
cassette models are available for less than 
100, including the Phonesitter P-50, 
which rings in at a mere $79.95. Even Ma 
Bell is getting into the act with a simple 
model featuring dual cassettes (one for 
your outgoing message, the other for in- 
coming calls) that leases for less than ten 
dollars per month. 

At the high end are remote answerers 
that let you play back your messages by 
telephoning into your own machine. 
Three of them have very useful high-tech 
features we like. 

Phone-Mate’s SAM Remote 960 (about 
$400) combines a push-button (pulse- 
converted) auto-redial telephone with 
the answerer in onc intelligent desktop 
unit. Few things are more aggravating 
than playing back a series of $0-sccond 
blanks on the tape, which most other ma- 
chines record when the caller hangs up 
without leaving a message. The 960 re- 
cords only actual messages left. Plus, the 
caller can leave any length of message up 
to five minutes, unlike the fixed-length 
units, which allow only about 30 seconds 
before cutting off your long-winded 
caller. The SAM Remote 960 also digit- 
ally displays the number of real messages 
collected on your machine and comes 
with a pocket-sized beeper that you hold 
p to the mouthpiece as soon as you hear 
your recorded outgoing message. The 
machine then rewinds and plays your 
messages for you. Again with the beeper, 
you can signal your machine to save 
what's on the tape or rewind to start 
afresh. 

If the SAM Remote 960 is smart, then 
IT T's Perfect Answer 2 remote answerer 
($119.95) is a Phi Beta Kappa. What 
sets this telephone/answerer combo apart 
from the rest is that you don't need a 
beeper for access to your messages from 
afar—just your voice. You have to match 
a preset coded sequence of voice and 
no-voice responses to the five tones it 
generates. Where your voice is called for, 
any syllable or two will do. But if you 
like, you can check out the reactions at 
crowded pay-phone stalls when you say, 
“Beep . . . beep, beep . . .” into the 
phone. 

Panasonic's KX-T1530 (about $500) is 
another “intel nt” answering machine 
that is so flexible, via remote control, 


142 that you practically never have to touch 


it. It remembers which incoming mes- 
sages you've already accessed with your 
pocket controller and plays back only the 
latest ones. A MEMO MESSAGE button 
allows your secretary to record a message 
for you on the incoming tape so you'll 
hear it the next time you call in. And 
if you've had a rough week and decide 
at the last minute to spend the next two 
in the Bahamas, you can call your ma- 
chine from the airport and change your 
outgoing message accordingly. 


CORDLESS PHONES 


Improved range and voice quality are 
helping to make cordless telephones a 
hot item this усаг. They're a snap to 
hook up—just plug the base unit into 
the phone jack and the A.C. outlet and 
you're on the loose. You make and an- 
calls just like on a regular tele- 
phone. Only now, without a cord to tie 
you down, you don't have to drop the 
phone while you check out something 
across the room or next door. Communi- 
cation is full duplex—talking and listen- 
ing simultaneously, as you would expect 
on any regular phone. And we found 
the 600-700-foot range of the models we 
checked out to be adequate around the 
house or office. 

ТТТ” Cordless Phone System PC-1800 
($299.95) is a versatile affair, since it can 
be used not only as a cordless phone 
but also as a wireless intercom system be- 
tween the hand-held unit and a standard 
phone plugged into the base unit. The 
hand-held remote unit offers push-button 
dialing (pulse converted) and automatic 
redial. 

Electra packs even more technology 
into its Freedom Phone 4000 cordless 
wonder (5399.95). The remote handset 
stores three outgoing phone numbers Гог. 
instant dialing. And it has a Hook 
button for activating Bell's custom- 
calling services (Call Waiting, three-way 
lling, сіс), available in many areas. You 
can also select push-button tone dialing 
if your local service is so equipped. 

A new variation on the cordless theme 
is the Litephone office conference tele- 
phone, by Controlonics Corporation. 
The Litephone communicates via 
frared-light energy instead of radio 
waves. The speaker is housed in the base 
unit, which plugs into the phone jack. 
A rechargeable wireless hand-held unit 
contains the push-button (pulseconvert- 
ed) dial and a sensitive microphone that 
can pick up voices around a table with- 
out the in-a-barrel hollowness of most 
other speaker phones. 


sw 


CAR PHONES 


If you are really tied to the telephonc 
yet always on the move, the thought of 
a car phone has surely crossed your mind. 


The roadblock in most cities, however, 
is the limited number of channels avail- 
able to support a very large demand. 
Even if youre lucky or influential 
enough to get a car phone, there will be 
times during the day when you'll have to 
wait half an hour for a channel. 

‘That is going to change in dozens of 
metropolitan areas next year. А new sys- 
tem called cellular mobile telephone will 
let many more car phones use the same 
channels than ever before. An extremely 
sophisticated computer system (no more 
mobile-relephone operators) will be 
changing the channels you're talking on 
as you travel from one ten-square-mile 
cell to the next—only you'll never know 
it. In the test system we tried in the 
Chicago area, sponsored by Ilinois Bell 
and AT&T, voice quality equaled that 
of a wireline phone and computerized 
channel changing went unnoticed. The 
projected costs are expected to be rea- 
sonable: $60 per month for the equip- 
ment lease, $25 per month for 120 
minutes of air time and 25 cents per 
minute thereafter. 


OTHER FUTURE PHONES 


As long as we're talking about the 
future, we should mention that the tele- 
phone lines are starting to carry a lot 
more than just voices these days. They're 
carrying information. With a computer 
terminal, you have access to mammoth 
data banks containing news, sports, Dow- 
Jones reports, consumer buying services, 
airline schedules and much more. 
Though used primarily for business ap- 
plications now, these services will become 
more available to everyday folk with 
future generations of telephone terminals 
such as Northern Telecom's $2000 Dis- 
playphone. 

It's a regular telephone, of course, but 
it is also a small computer terminal 
that displays on its own video screen a 
directory of 81 stored names and phone 
numbers (with the help of a slide-out 
typewriter keyboard), keeps your ap- 
pointment calendar for you and has 
access to such computerized data banks 
as CompuServe and The Source. Eventu 
ally, you'll use phones like these to buy 
merchandise, perform banking transac- 
tions and send or receive electronic mai 

‘That little phone jack in the wall is 
really a sort of gateway—to family, 
friends, just about anyone anywhere in 
the world. Now we have all kinds of ways 
to patch into that system, from a $15 
reconditioned rotary-dial telephone to a 
microprocessor-controlled telecommuni- 
cations terminal. What's hard to believe 
is that the technology is only beginning 


to take off. 
(У) 


= >) «= — 


WO/MAN | 
| / 
x i \ A 


part four 


MAN and WOMAN 


from the frontiers of sex and science, 
an unprecedented playboy series on what makes 
man man and woman woman 


THE 
SEX 
CHEMICALS 


could it be that your hormones determine sexual behavior even before 
birth—casting your lot as male, female or something in between? 


article 
By JO DURDEN-SMITH 
m and DIANE DESIMONE 


UNTER DORNER is head of The Institute for Experi- 
mental Endocrinology (hormone research) at Humboldt University іп East. Berlin. се the early Sixties, he— 
like other scientists—has been working to find a way into the connections between motivation, brain and behavior. 
And like other scientists, he has concentrated on the diflerent sexual motivation апа behavior of male and female. 

When the scientific community began to understand that it is the hypothalamus—an important structure in the 


brain—that ultimately controls the output of the hormones and the different patterns of male and female reproduc- 


tion, Dorner w: 


quick to find in the hypothalamus of rats different male and female sex centers. These centers, formed 
under the influence of the sex hormones at a very early stage of development, were г 


ponsible, he believed, for 


male and female sexual behavior. And Dörner showed that if the rats didn't get enough of their appropriate sex 
hormone during development, then something would go wrong with the centers and with later sexual behavior. 


Adult rats would behave sexually like members of the opposite sex—they would become 


homosexuals.” 


From that, Dorner argued that sexual behavior must also be stamped by the hormones into the human brain 
while it is still developing in the womb and that primary human homosexual behavior must be the result of a sexual 


stamping that has given the brain the wrong gender. He 
quotes a study in which male homosexuals obsessively at- 
ted to children were "cured" by an operation on their 
s supposed female sex center. And he himself has 
performed a series of experiments that show, he believes, that 
both male and female homosexuality are caused by the pre- 
natal effect on the brain of either too little or too much of 
the main male sex hormone—testosterone. 

Last fall, Dérner attended a high-level conference of hor- 
mone and brain specialists in Cambridge, England—onc of 
the rare occasions on which he has left his laboratory for the 
West. And we flew to Cambridge to meet him and to talk 
firsthand with this shock-haired, twinkling, forthright man 
who sparks controversy wherever he goes. What he told us 
gets right to the cutting edge of hormone research—and to 
the bigger subject of the differences between men and wom- 
en in behavior and ability. 

You sce,” says Dörner, speaking fluent, accented English 
during our first, rushed conversation, in an empty student's 
room at Cambridge University, "I think people know quite 
well what we call the activational effects of the sex hor- 
mones, the way they control the reproductive cycle in wom- 
en, and so on. And they know that at puberty, the sex 


hormones influence hair, breast and muscle growth and 
attraction to the opposite sex. They know, too, what happens 
when various hormones are taken by athletes and transsex- 
uals and so on. But what they don't know very clearly is what 
we call the organizational effects of these hormones. 

"These effects are written into the organism long before 
puberty—in fact, at various stages of the fetus’ development 
in the womb. And they affect not only the form and shape 
that the body will come to have but also the way it will 
respond to hormonal influences at puberty. 

“They also affect—quite profoundly—the structure and 
chemistry of the brain. They lay the foundations for a range 
of behaviors that will characterize the organism as male or fe- 
male after birth. We have found—in humans, rats, guinea 
pigs and other animals—that sex hormones opera 


the brain during critical periods of early development can 
produce a 


ine sexual and social 


істу of masculine or femi, 
regardless of the genetic sex. 
s no doubt," Dorner says, “that this theory is con- 
troversial. And it's true that we don't know everything we'd 
like to know about these hormones. But my theory is com- 
pletely consistent. with what we do know from both animals 
and humans. We know that in fetal males, the highest level 


145 


PLAYBOY 


of testosterone coincides with the period 
when the hypothalamus is organized to 
control the later expression of male 
sexual behavior. And its completely 
consistent to believe that this stamping 
is affected—both here and in other parts 
of the brain where these hormones have 
been found—when the hormones are 
present in abnormal qu 

Dörner late for the conference's 
official banquet. “We'll talk later,” he 
says. But we continue to talk as we hurry 
through a medieval quadrangle in the 
direction of the dining hall. Then: 
Look,” he says, stopping, the light 
catching his rimmed spectacles, "it's very, 
very hard to test my theory reliably 
humans. For that, we would have to 
monitor a large number of pregnancies, 
constantly check hormone levels and 
then follow the behavior of the children 
born for up to 20 or 25 years. How does 
опе do that? І don't know." He shrugs. 
“So, in the meantime, we just have to 
make do with the available evidence. 
From clinical patients and from animals. 
This evidence, which is now coming at 
a very fast rate from laboratories all over 
the world," he says before disappearing 
into the darkness, "supports me. 

б 

Nothing is really simple about the se: 
hormones. They are, in fact, among the 
most mysterious molecules in nature. 
They're produced in different quantities 
by both men and women—though they're 
only a tiny chemical step away from 
one another, Their levels in the body 
change all the time—monthly, daily, per- 
haps even hourly. And they act not only 
on the body but also on the brain, As 
Dérner—whom we will come back to 
later—says, much is known about the 
role they play in the body in the control 
of the female reproductive cycle and the 
maintenance of pregnancy. Much is 
known about the effects they have on 
how men and women look: Give a male- 
to-lemale transsexual estrogens (the fami- 
ly of sex hormones related to estradiol) 
and he will often grow breasts and add 
fat at hips and thighs; give a female-to- 
male transsexual androgens (the family 
of hormones related to testosterone) and 
she will often grow an enlarged clitoris 
and gain facial hair, a deeper voice and 
а masculine musculature. Those are Ёса- 
tures induced by the sex hormones—in 
normal males and females—at puberty. 

Very little, however, has been known 
until recently about the way the sex 
hormones affect the brain—not how we 
look and function as men and women 
but who we are as different genders with 
different sex-typical behaviors, skills and 
abilities, And that is w 
ment of Man and Woman is all about. 
It is a dispatch from several new fronts 
of science. As you have already seen, its 


146 subject matter is extremely controversial, 


nd it may be profoundly unsettling for 
both the men and the women who rcad 
it. For it suggests that men are the ex- 
pendable, deviant sex and that women 
are genetically protected only for the 
purpose of motherhood. It suggests that 
we are much more like other animals in 
nature than we care to believe. And it 
suggests that not only is the length of 
our life directed in some way by the sex 
hormones (see box, page 238) but so— 
before birth—is much that is important 
about our personalitics as men and 
women: our gender identity, our sexual 
behavior. our tastes, our special abilities 
та even our choice of carcer. It’s a 
bumpy ride. this installment in the 
story of men and women. It concerns 
the accidents of nature and the mistakes 
of man: homosexuals and housewive: 
ats and monkeys, tomboys and jock 
And it needs a constantly changing 
focus. Hang on. 


- 
Focus One. Al the Beginning 
fure’s Point of View 
Picture to yourself the minuscule cell 

that worked and divided to become the 

person you are today. It is an instant 
alter conception, and your mother’s egg 
has just been penetrated by one of the 

350 million of your father’s swimming 

sperm. The cell being formed now has 

in it two millionths of a millionth of an 
ounce of DNA—all the information nec- 
essary to produce a 50-trillion-cell crea- 
ture with your particular nose, feet, eye 
color and crooked grin. This informa- 
tion is arranged in 46 chromosomes—23 

provided by your mother's egg and 23 

the gilt of your father’s sperm. They arc 

now in the process of matching up into 
pairs. 

Each of these chromosomes is a pack 
of genetic cards, the result of а more or 
less random shuflling of genes from each 
of your parents’ matched pairs of chromo- 
somes. And so the 50 percent you have 
nherited from each is organized by 
chance. There are, however, two excep- 
tions to this rule. And those are two 
chromosomes that are relatively well pro- 
tected and passed on without shuffling— 
the sex chromosomes. An X chromosome 
is automatically passed on to the original 
cell—and to you—by your mother's egg. 
And either another X or a Y is handed 
down to you by your father's sperm. If 
you are XX as you read this, you are a 
woman; if XY, then а man. And that's 
all the difference there is. 

Not a lot, you might think. And 
genetically speaking, you would be right. 
What, after all, is one chromosome—the 
X or Y inherited from your father— 
against 45 others, 44 of which have been 
provided in cqual ratio by both a male 
and a female, by both mother and 
father? Given that who we are is a com- 
plicated business, then it must be scat- 


Na- 


tered over those other 45 chromosomes 
well. 

That is the line taken, quite under- 
standably, by a good many people. One 
chromosome, they say, may be respon- 
sible for the way our bodics look and 
function, But how on earth can it be 
responsible for any other claimed dif- 
ferences between men and women? In 
the toys we're supposed to want to play 
with? In the different abilities we're 
supposed to have? In the sexual roles 
were called on to fill; in the sexual 
tastes it’s considered right for us to dis- 
play? We must, they say, be more alike 
at birth than unalike—more bisexual. It 
must be only after birth, they say, that 
sex differences are forced upon us. 

A perfectly reasonable point of view 

on the face of it. If you shuffle traits 
from both parents, as nature has chosen 
to do, then you're bound to end up with 
potentially bisexual creatures, It’s а prob- 
lem. One that mature herself had to 
ice—and to solve. 
Let's personalize nature for a moment. 
Her problem is this. Once she’s made a 
commitment to sex and the sexes (sce 
Man and Woman, Part Two: The Sex- 
ual Deal, тълувоү, February), she wants 
to preserve it and to preserve all the 
advantages the new gene shuffling in- 
volves—the highly various offspring 
makes possible. But at the same time, 
to make sure that physically 
aviorally the two sexes remain 
tinct from cach other and—very im- 
nt—attractior to each other. She 
nts mating, sexual reproduction and 
a sexual division of labor to continue. 
She can't afford confused signals or a 
unisex. 

So what can she do? Well, there are 
two things: She can abandon gene shuf- 
rge number of the chromo. 
somes, Or she can be more economi 
she can put the Х and У chromosomes 
i ge of an auxiliary system that 
will intervene after conception iu the 
way the 44 other chromosomes are ex- 
pressed. 

That is, in fact, what nature did. 
Instead of giving up апу of the genc- 
shuflling advantages, she created, carly 
in evolution, a mechanism that monitors 
the way the chromosomes’ genes аге ex- 
pressed in the male and female body and 
brain. She invented a process that could 
reach within the same cells апа switch 
them in either а т. 
inine direction. She invented the sex 
hormones. It the sex hormones that 
responsible for the different abilities 
of male and female It is the sex 
hormones that are responsible for the 
different postures of male and female 
dogs when they urinate, And it is the sex 
hormones that, in humans, are responsi- 
ble for differences in bones, muscles, 

(continued on page 226) 


LEROY NEIMAN 


* SKE TCHBOOK: 


| PRACTICED tattooing in my grade school days in Minnesota, using classroom pen and inkwell, chorging fellow students five cents an 
image. Years later, tattoos are much in evidence. Last year, | saw them in the Maud Adams/Bruce Dern movie, an the Ralling Stones’ 
album Tattoo You апё—1 discavered—an Cher's shapely body. Backstage after a Las Vegas perfarmance, | complimented Cher on a 
fine tottoa ап her left ankle and she revealed а more persanal example—a delicote tiger lily an her lawer tarso. She tald me she 
wauld like ta have modeled far Modigliani, but, as she assumed a classical pase, І was reminded af Botticelli’s elegant Venus, — —LN. 


147 


henriette goes to france mi -^ 
france goes for henriette P 
. а" з з 


" 4 е 
ING HAS HAPPENED to our Georgia e Ф з 
peach, Henriette Allais, si wer first е 
saw her. That was іп March 1980, in the = T 


centerfold of Gur favorite magazine. As 
Miss March, she conjured up visions of. 
Scarlett "O'Hara: ' fiery, sensuous, with 
„ more than a hint “of Ры да her 


e 


^ 


аў" 


PHOTOGRAPHY ВУ KEN MARCUS 


p 


Life as a model has been good 
to the former orthodontists 
assistant from Georgia. 

Her face and figure are 

in demand by the world's top 
photographers. In the inset 

on the opposite page, Henriette 
(on the left) draws editorial 
duty for French Vogue. 


2 


Contributing Photographer Ken 
Marcus has been wanting to 
shoot Henriette Allois ever since 
he saw her in our March 1980 
gatefold. "We met shartly after 
that, and we knew that at some 
point the two of us should get 
together and toke pictures,” he 
recalls. Almost two yeors— 
during which Henriette went to 
France to seek fame and for- 
tune—intervened, but she and 
Marcus connected ct lost, happily. 


нат м 


5 A» 


- 


voice. But that was two 
years ago. When we saw 
her again recently, there 
were changes. The fire and 
sensuousness remained, but 
there was more strength, 
more selfassurance, more 
vision. The accent had 
taken бп a definite foreign 
tone that gave a clue to her 
transformation. For the 
past year and a half, 
Henriette has worked, 
played and grown in Paris 
She chucked everything for 
the modeling game and 
leaped in headfirst. Paris 
welcomed her with open 
arms. Before long, Hen 
riette was one of the 
busiest models in the City 
of Light. That's no mean 
feat; the number of girls 
tying to make it there is 
legion. But if, like Henri- 
ette, you're chosen, there's 
nowhere to go but up. 
"Paris is the best place to 
get a good portfolio to- 
gether,” she declares. “The 
competition is very still. 
About 60 percent of the 
modcls are American girls. 
The French photographers 
like them because they are 
big and tall. The reason 
I've been so successful is 
that they can't categorize 
my look. It's so changeable. 
І can go from totally inno 
cent to totally sophisticated. 
to totally sexy." A girl who 


“The intensity of Henriette’s 

eyes makes them magic,” Marcus 
avers, At left, Henriette shifts 
gears far а surreal yet raman- 
tic high-fashion shot by famed. 
photographer Helmut Newton for 
the French Vogue. “Newton, 
Francis Giacobetti, André Berg 
oll went nuts over her,” soys 
Marcus. "That's unusuol, because 
most photogrophers don't want 
to talk to you if ycu've been 

shot by someone else.” 


The figure studies on these and 
the preceding page by PtaYsor 
Contributing Photographer Ken 
Marcus underscore the wide. 
range of effects that can be 
achieved by a talented lensman 
using the same model. Henriette 
clearly enjoys the challenge, 
adding movement and life to an 
essentially static medium. Near 
right, Henriette as we first saw her 
in the March 1980 centerfold. 
Her ambition then: to be a model. 


can convey sexiness with 
her body is gold in Paris, 
whether she's on the run. 
way or featured in product 
ads, fashion ог creati 
photography. For 
French audience, inl 
tion is out and libido is in. 
"T've seen some of the most. 
beautiful and sensuous 
commercials ever on prime- 
time television,” Henriette 
says. “If you go for an 
audition, it’s common to be 
asked if you mind showing 
your breasts.” The Gallic 
penchant for the erotic is 
quite all right with Henri 
сие. “I don't feel at all in- 
hibited about being sexy, 
she says. "There are many 
good photographers in the 
U. S, but they are limited 
in what they can shoot. 
They get locked into for 
mulas. And, after all, it's 
1982. Women have got to 
stop the cheesecake and 
start being more seduc- 
tive." What's the differ. 


ence? “Ігу mostly in the 
eyes,” Henriette says. “For 
instance, І like to laugh, 
but not when I'm trying to 
seduce someone, To get the 
proper look, you have to 
use your eyes, actually talk. 
with them.” Being a sought- 
after model can play havoc 
with one's private life, but 
Henriette has it under 


control. "When I left the 
South, І found that things 
were very different in the 
big cities, where people ask. 
you how much moncy you 
have and what kind of car 
you drive. І don't care 
about that stuff. I could be 
a millionairess by now with 
all the oflers Гуе gotten. 
People want you to go with 
them on their yachts or to 
be their mistress. І turn 
them down because I don’t 
want to be held down 
Even in my marriage, I 
don't like that. If my hus- 
band feels he has to get 
away, he goes, and the same 
for me. It took me a long 
time to get out of the trap 
of being in love with some- 
one and thinking hc had to 
be there all the time. You 
just can't own another 
person. It’s not fair. It's 
not human." 


Working in front of Marcus’ 
camera, Henriette produces 
shots that are unequivocally 
erotic. “She projects on in- 
tense sexuality when she works,” 
the photographer notes. “Hen- 
riette is a body artist; what 

she does with her body in front 
of a camera is her art.” 


Hot or cold, clearly Henriette 

has whet it takes to make one sit 
up and take notice. When last 
seen, she was off to Martinique 
fora little R&R; then it's back 

to the States for more work. 
Though that's hardly the term for 
something that gives her, and 

us, so much pleasure. 


AO0HAVWX'TId 


“Don’t worry about те. Рт a survivor!" 


156 


the optical illusion 


Ribald Classic 


from Contes et Nouvelles en vers, by Jean de la Fontaine, 1665 


The master did another maid require 

And found a pretty serving-ginl for hire. 

She pleased his eyes so happily, he thought 

She might, with luck, by amorous snares be caught. 
He proved correct; the wench was blithe and gay, 
A buxom lass, most supple every way. 


At dawn, one summer’s morn, the man was led 
To rise and leave his wife asleep in bed; 

He stepped into the garden where he found 
The servant girl collecting flowers around 

To make a nosegay for his better half 

(Whose birthday ’twas), set in to joke and laugh, 
And, getting close, the flowers to appraise, 

The servant's neckerchief he'd slyly raise. 
Who, suddenly, on feeling of his hand, 

Played at resistance, breathed a reprimand. 
But since these liberties were nothing new, 
They soon went on to other frolics, too; 

She threw the nosegay at the gallant's head; 
He shook them off and hissed the maid instead. 


They romped and rattled, played and skipped around, 


Until at last she fell upon the ground. 
And he, to comfort quick and sympathize, 
Sank gently down between her snowy thighs. 


Unluchily, a neighbor's prying eyes. 

Beheld their playful pranks with much surprise. 
She, from her window, could the scene o'erlooh. 
When soon the gallant noticed this, he shook 
His head: “Alas, our frolicking is seen 

By that old haggard, envious, prying quean. 

But have no qualms, my dear." He chose 

To run and wake his wife, who quickly rose. 
He hissed her fondly, whispered his intent 

And to the garden walk they straightway went. 
He laid her down beneath the cherry's shade 
And so the amorous scene was thus replayed, 
Which highly gratified the lady fair, 

Who, later, in the evening, would repair 

To her good neighbor, and they'd hindly share 
Whatever news or gossip filled the air. 

At once that neighbor, with an air dumfound, 
Told what she'd seen that morn upon the ground. 


“My poor, poor dear! My innocent! Oh, shame!” 
With looks of gleeful woe cried out the dame. 

“I love you much, and thus I must detail 

What I have witnessed—and the scene bewail. 
Will you continue to employ that trull 

Who steals your love and makes your man a gull? 
At once Га kick her from the house, I say; 

The strumpet should not halt another day.” 

The wife replied, “You surely are deceived; 

A simple, virtuous wench, by all believed.” 
“Well, I can easily, my friend, suppose,” 


Rejoined the neighbor, “whence this good word flows, 


But look around you, be convinced! This morn, 
From my own window (true, as I am born!), 
Within your garden, I your husband spied 

At frolic with the servant girl betide. 

Tossing the nosegay like a pretty ball 

Until their sporting ended in a fall.” 


“But listen,” cried the wife, “and be aware 
You are deceived—myself alone was there.” 
NEIGHBOR: ГАР: 
“But patience, if you please, attend, I pray: 
You've no conception what I meant to say. 


The playful pair was actively employed 


In plucking amorous flowers—they kissed and toyed.” 


WIFE: 
“*Twas clearly І for her whom you mistook.” 
NEIGHBOR: 
“Until the flowers for flesh they soon forsook 
And handfuls of each other took instead, 
Lolling beneath your cherry tree outspread.” 
WIFE: 
“But still, why think you, friend, it was not If 
Has not your spouse with you а right to try 
What freaks he likes?” 
NEIGHBOR: 
“Out there, upon the ground? 
My skirt hiked up, awry, my hair unbound? 
You laugh" 
WIFE: 
“Indeed 1 do, “twas I, myself.” 
NEIGHBOR: 
“She wore a flannel petticoat, this elf. 
Be patient and remember well, І pray, 
If this was worn by you or her today? 
There lies the point. You must believe. 
Your husband did the most one could conceive.” 
WIFE: 
“How hard of credence! ' Twas myself, I vow.” 
NEIGHBOR: 
"Oh! That's conclusive. I'll be silent now. 
Though, truly, I have always thought my eyes 
Are pretty sharp, and I feel much surprise. 
At what you say. In fact, I could have sworn 
I saw her romping thus this very morn. 
Excuse the hint and do not turn her off.” 
WIFE: 
“Why, turn her out? The very thought I scofj; 
She serves me well." 
NEIGHBOR? 
“And very well was taught. 
Forgive me, friend, for my unseemly thoughi.” 


—Retold by Jem Buller 


ILLUSTRATION BY BRAD HOLLANO. 


157 


PLAYBOY 


158 


WAR ON DRUGS «ые 


"Only the loaded message came through: Pot will turn 
your beautiful boy into a mindless homo with breasts.” 


long as you can stand the pain." 

Yet another new Texas law forced 
through the legislature by the antimari- 
juana hysterics requires the creation of 
a computer system to keep track of cer- 
tain prescriptions. If, for example, your 
dentist gave you Percodan or Demerol 
for pain, your name would go into the 
computer as that of a potential drug 
abuser. Under the new vire-tapping law, 
that could constitute probable cause for 
breaking into your house or office. 

Sizing up the combined impact of the 
War on Drugs legislation, John Duncan, 
executive director of the Texas Civil 
Liberties Union (T.CL.U), says “If 
we're going to create a police state, why 
do it piecemeal? Let's just tattoo a num- 
ber on everybody's arm." 

The most insidious effect of this 
nationwide crusade, however, has noth- 
ing to do with drugs. It is by focusing 
on rhe kidson-dope theme that the 
otherwise rational person is lured into 
an argument about the merits of mari- 
juana. No one in his right mind thinks 
children should smoke marijuana or take 
any other drugs. But drugs are not the 
point. The point is that it is cynical and 
destructive to frighten parents half to 
death, then turn them loose on elected 
officials The point is that dismantling 
the Bill of Rights is not the solution to 
any real or imagined drug problem. 

“They have some grandiose schemes," 
Buck Wood says, "so we can't roll over 
and play dead. We got over McCarthy, 
but there was a lot of damage done, a 
lot of people hurt. I think that could 
happen again. Whipping the American 
public into a frenzy, where they're will- 
ing to suspend civil liberties—we've got 
scrious problems.” 

If you live in Texas, the police can 
now break into your home or tap your 
telephone virtually at will. The same 
parents’ groups that achieved that are 
in Washington, D.C., pressuring the 
United States Congress for equally dan- 
gerous legislation. Some bills have al- 
ready passed the House or the Senate. 
One would allow the military to begin 
enforcing drug laws. In other words, no 
matter where you live, you should be 
aware of the clear and present danger: 
Today Texas, tomorrow the world. 

е 


The family . . . was а device by 
means of which everyone could be 
surrounded night and day by in- 
formers who knew him intimately. 


Some say Texas was a proving ground 
for the rest of the nation; others say it 
was simply a textbook example of how 
the war on drugs must be conducted 
nationwide. Either way, it is instructive 
and aweinspiring to see how much was 
accomplished there in a very short time 
by turning the family against itselfi— 
the same basic technique being employed 
on a national level. 

Like many misguided social policies, 
the Texans’ War on Drugs had its gene- 
sis in questionable political motives. 
When William Clements took office as 
governor in January of 1979, he sent a 
memo to all his employees. “As a matter 
of standard policy,” it said, "we will be 
making a security check . . . of all per- 
sonnel who have пог previously been 
cleared." The new governor was appar- 
ently unaware that there is no such thing 
as a state government security check in 
America and hadn't been in Texas, at 
least, since Reconstruction ended in 
1874. Clements, the first Republican gov- 
ernor since that time, had been Deputy 
Secretary of Defense under Richard Nix- 
on, however, and his experience in that 
post no doubt contributed to his confus- 
ing the concepts of state police and 
police state. 

Shortly after having been sworn in as 
governor, Clements began making state- 
ments about “legalizing surveillance” 
and about what a vital law-enforcement 
tool it was. Observers of his administra- 
tion say Clements was upset to learn that 
Texas had no state secrets; it was going 
to require some rather canny maneuver- 
ing to justify surveillance—or wire 
tapping, as most people call it. 

“Wire tapping has never been popular 
in Texas,” Buck Wood says. “But it was 
always presented as a general wire-tap 
bill, and you couldn't have gotten it 
pased if you'd put an atomic bomb 
under Clements, in 1979, was in 
search of something more powerful than 
the A-bomb to help him legalize sur- 
veillance. What he would ultimately 
find was that splitting the nuclear family 
produced more destructive power than 
splitting the atom. Precisely why wire 
tapping was so important to Clements 
remains unclear, though Racehorse 
Haynes has explained it as a product of 
the governor's "police state of mind.” 

The governor found a kindred spirit 
in the military-obsessed, right-wing rad- 
ical billionaire Henry Ross Perot. Perot 
wears no jewelry except his naval 
academy ring. He owns the original of 


The Spirit of '76, by Tompkins Matte- 
son. He has his offices in the headquar- 
ters of Electronic Data Systems (E.D.S.), 
his computer kingdom, an expensively 
landscaped patch of north Dallas that is 
decorated with a copy of the Iwo Jima 
statue and guarded by a private “secu- 
rity” army. Perot worries a lot about 
being assassinated. 

One of Clements’ first acts as governor 
in 1979—Executive Order number two, 
in fact—created the Texans’ War on 
Drugs Committee, with Perot as chair- 
man. To fund its activities, Clements 
gave the committee $584,000 in Fed- 
eral money from the now-defunct Law 
Enforcement Assistance Administration. 
With missionary zeal, the committee set 
out to spread the word: Your kids are on 
dope / Dope kills. 

The centerpiece of the War on Drugs 
campaign—not just in Texas but na- 
tionally—was a book published by the 
National Institute on Drug Abuse. 
Now, NIDA is not some obscure 
fringe group; it is part of the U.S. 
Department of Health and Human 
Services. It used your tax dollars to com- 
mission Parents, Peers апа Pot, whose 
pseudonymous author, Marsha Manatt, 
presents in her first chapter a fiction- 
alized horror story about a neighbor- 
hood plagued by pot-smoking teenagers. 
(“Gradually an image of an alien world 
within their own community began to 
emerge, populated by their own chil- 
dren.") The book describes how parents. 
took the problem in hand by creating a 
mini police state: every mom a cop. 

"The text goes on to present as scien- 
tific fact a number of frightening effects 
of marijuana. It threatens mothers, for 
example, with the possibility that their 
male children will grow breasts from 
smoking pot. It further warns that mari- 
juana causes abnormalities in sperm cells, 
sexual dysfunction and a wide variety 
of other reproductivesystem problems. 
Parents are told that marijuana inter- 
feres with the body's natural immune 
response, making smokers more vulner- 
able to disease. Moreover, "permanent 
changes in deep-brain areas that affect 
emotion and behavior” have been dis- 
covered in the laboratory. All of that is 
couched in careful language and at- 
tended by the appropriate caveats. But 
following hot on the heels of the Inva- 
sion of the Body Snatchers-style first 
chapter, only the loaded message came 
through: Pot will turn your beautiful boy 
into a mindless homo with breasts. 

In 1979, while this book was being 
distributed all across the nation, the cam- 
paign in Texas was intensified by the 
political ambitions of Clements and the 
fervor of Perot. Perot took $16,000 of 
the Federal tax money and paid Baylor 
law school to draft a series of bills for 

(continued on page 200) 


an appraisal of the year’s music and not one word about slam dancing, margaret 


thatcher, the new romantics or wendy o. williams tits 


HEN WAS the last time you bought a record that wasn't. 
МУ: And at 58.98, too! Someday, the record biz 
mmm will get its house in order. Meanwhile, the creative 
end of the industry has been peppy, even funny, this year. The 
Go-Go's and Bow Wow Wow made us wanna go back to high 
school just so we could drop out. The high-endurance Stones, 
Kinks, J. Geils Band and Hall and Oates put out extraordinary 
albums and shows, while The Pretenders, The Cars, Tom Petty 
and Stevie Nicks all helped Beethoven roll over this year. For 
the word on how our readers saw it, check out our Music Poll 
results on page 218. For the way we saw it, just turn the page. 


ILLUSTRATION BY BILL RIESER 


159 


poj 
MID-LIFE RAMBLERS: SOMETIMES YOU GET WHAT YOU NEED 


The Rolling Stones. An in- 
stitution so familiar, so valued 
that it distorts our critical 
faculties. Nevertheless, we 
think the Stones gave us the 
best concert of the year. 
We think we heard world-class 
rock 'n' roll оп Tattoo You 


that bills about $140,000,000 
annually. Jovan's president, 
Richard E. Meyer, told us he 
decided to take the Stones" 


offer in a very expensive three 
seconds — considering that 
the final Jovan investment 
came to more than $3,000,000. 


Crass Mousic-Dicrra Тот ro 


Meyer, who grew up in the 
era of drugs and sex and 
Rolling Stones, knew at a 
glance that his firm's demo- 
graphics and the Stones’ were 
close. 

"I don't think I 
come out with a 


have to 
fragrance 


and that the Stones, 
creeping around the 
age of 40 to a man, 
were the musical 
event of the year. 
We also think the 
Stones have hit up- 
on a great new 
option for financing 
live shows. А few 
years ago, Keith 
Richards suggested 
to writer George W. 
S. Trow that some 
corporation ought 
to underwrite a 
Stones tour, thereby 
keeping ticket prices 
down. No one's ever 
raved about Keith's 
business sense, but 
it's clear he had a 
point. And this year, 
the Stones found 
their corporate back- 
er in Jovan, Inc., the 
150 young fragrance firm 


à " У 


ital recording has sent classical-music fans into а frenzy familiar to rockers. Re- 


member when you'd toss Pink Floyd onto the turntable, crank up the volume and see how 


soon you turned 


nto Jell-O? Now that many сі 


cal records are digital, you can look for 


new highs and lows—the ones that were lost by conventional recording processes. Here 
are ten of the year's best matings of digital sound and great performance. 


1. Beethoven: Symphony No. 3, “Eroica”— 
Staatskapelle Berlin, Otmar Suitner con- 
ducting (Denon). 

2. Bolling: Concerto for Clossic Guitar and 
Jazz Piano —with Angel Romero and George 
Shearing (Angel). 

8. Debussy: Prelude to The Afternoon of a 
Faun, Images—London Symphony, André 
Previn conducting (Angel). 

4. Morton Gould: Latin American Symphenette 
and Other Works—Gould conducts the 
London Symphony (Varése Sarabande). 

5. Music of Holst, Bach, Handel—Cicvelond 
Symphonic Winds, Frederick Fennell con- 
ducting (Telarc). 

6. Holst: The Planets—Scottish National 


Orchestra, Sir Alexander Gibson conduct- 
ing (Chandos). 

7. Janáček: Sinfonietta, Toros Bulba—Vienna 
Philharmonic, Sir Charles Mackerras con- 
ducting (London). 

8. Orf: Carmina Burana and Hindemith: 
Metomorphosis—Atlanta Sym- 
Orchestra & Chorus, Robert Shaw 
conducting (Telarc). 

9. Strauss: Also sprach Zarathustra Phil 
adelphia Orchestra, Eugene Ormandy con- 
ducting (Angel). 

10. Tchaikovsky & Dvořák: String Sere- 
nades—Berlin Philharmonic, Herbert von 
Karajan conducting (Deutsche Grammo- 
phon). 


that has a tongue 
on the package to see 
il our involvement 
with the Stones sells 
product."At the end 
of the tour, Meyer 
was able to conclude, 
“I think the only 
better value than 
the Stones in concert 
is a $7.50 bottle 
of musk oil—ours.” 

Musk oil пос 
withstanding, Mick 
Jagger filled us in 
on other aspects of 
the tour in a conver- 
sation with writer 
Ben Fong-Torres, 
who found Jagger 
in his hotel room. 
Fong-Torres spotted 
a note that read: 
“You are in Philly 
. . gargle ... make 
song list . . . choose 
clothes . . . exercise— 


outdoors if possible." 
PLAYBOY: How do you prepare 
for a tour? 

JAGGER: You have to exercise 
all the time. You make sure 
you cat really right. You can’t 
talk about what you do men- 
tally . .. you have to get really 
serious. [Laughs] 

PLAYBOY: This year, everyone 


Stones too old to rock?" Is this 
the last time around? 

JAGGER: You gotta be joking! 
How can you expect anyone 
so successful at selling ticket: 


to fucking outdoor roc 
roll shows to even consider 
giving them up? It's absurd! 
PLAYBOY: The total gross 
was originally planned at 
$30,000,000. Iu the end, it ex- 
ceeded $40,000,000. Did you 
expect that kind of success? 
JAGGER: It passed everyone's 
wildest dreams! Why should 
there be this demand for 
tickets? We totally underesti- 
mated. We fucked up. ... The 
demand is there. It may not be 
there next year. 

PLAYBOY: Why do you do such 
big outdoor shows? Is it for 
the money or the demand? 


JAGGER: Money . .. demand. 
Also, we're quite good at do- 
ing them. 


PLAYBOY: In concert, are you 
just having а good time? 
JAGGER: If you get onstage, 
the first rule is: Don’t be 
shy. No one wants to see a 
shy person. They want to see 
you having a good time, and 
why shouldn't you have a 
good time? You're having 
a great time, they're having a 
good time, and so you'll have 
a good time, even if you 
fuck up. 

PLAYBOY: You once said you 
felt lucky: You could act like 
a child and get away with it. 
Have you since grown up? 
Jaccer: Being onstage, you 
can feel anything. You can 
feel 100 years old or like a 
child. That's what the stage is 
for. To act. If you want to act 
the fool, you can act it—at 
any age. You don't want to do 
that in your own private Ше; 
that'd be stupid. But onstage 
you can perfectly well act it— 
so long as you do it well. 


Fry a арта WenDERNESS 


R&B is boogieing back. 
After all, even Katharine 
Hepburn showed up at the 
Jacksons most recent Madi- 
son Square Garden concert. 
Smokey Robinson's Being with 
You put him right back at the 
top, just 20 years after Shop 
Around. Endless Love, the 
Lionel Richie, Jr—Diana Ross 
duet, had a seemingly endless 
run on the radio. Crossover 
history was made when Richie 
produced Kenny Rogers; and 
Nile Rodgers and Bernard 
Edwards of Chic produced 
Deborah Harry. David Byrne 
and Brian Eno got funky for 
their opus Му Life іп the 
Bush of Ghosis. It seems that 
when disco, with its cool, em- 
phatic march beat, finally got. 


stomped, its audience and art- 
ists were ready for the warm, 
sweet passion of what we once 
called soul, displayed at right 
in all its glory by Nick Ash- 
ford and Valerie Simpson. 
Watch for Elektra/ Asylum, 
until now the official reposi- 
tory of mellow, to become an 
R&B powerhouse with The 
Pointer Sisters and a tie-in to 


the Solar label, including 
Shalamar, Lakeside and The 
Whispers. Solar producer 


Leon Sylvers, III, says that 
rock/funk will be the next 
wave. If you wonder what that 
is, check out Rick James or 
Prince, your basic androgy- 
nous mulatto New Waver, 
who performs nearly naked— 
Little Richard sans wardrobe. 


DESPITE FIVE ZILLION LOYAL FANS HI 
INFIDELITY STILE PUTS CRITICS TO SLEEP 


REO Speedwagon is the 
kind of standard touring 
band that can fill a hall in 
Moline .. . a bit sleazy and. 
infantile. 
JOEL VANCE, Stereo Review 


Speedwagon, Journeyand Styx. 

None of the three is a New 
York, Los Angeles or Liver- 
pool band. Styx and REO 
are from Illinois; Journey, 
from San Francisco. Maybe 


bands in the country. Some- 
body out there likes them. 
Styx sold more than 
3,000,000 albums and 
1,000,000 singles last year—for 
the fourth year in a row. They 


Critics call it schlock 'n' 
roll. They call it boing-boing 
music, referring to allegedly 
simple melodies. Then they 
play on their own joke, won- 
dering what happened to the 
"r" in the middle of “boing.” 

But those who stay awake 
for it call it power rock, and 
the best of it is by REO 


that's why they don't get no 
respect. (When the five mem- 
bers of REO went to pick up 
their gold record for Hi 
Infidelity, they found it in- 
scribed, RED sPEEDWAGON.) But 
now, all of a sudden, even 
though none of them has ever 
been on the cover of Rolling 
Stone, they're the three top 


played in front of 1,500,000 
people. always without the 
added draw of an opening act. 

Journey fans bought 


4,000,000 albums and 
1,200,000 concert tickets іп 
1981. The group earned 
$38,200,000 overall. 

REO, the biggest success 


(concluded оп page 218) 161 


Bury у т 
Brave New Wave 


Billy Sherrill has produced hits for some of the biggest names 
in country music. This year, he turned up recording New 
Wave Brit Elvis Costello, cutting some rollicking rock by Lacy 
J. Dalton and introducing a new all-female group called Ca- 
lamity Jane. We sent Bob Allen to ask for an accounting. 


PLAYBOY: We've heard of 
crossover, but isn't it weird 
for you to produce Elvis 
Costello? 

SHERRILL: It is weird, but we 
just did a one-shot deal. It was 
one week out of his life and 
one week out of mine. It was 
an experiment that worked. 
We had fun, but I may never 
see him again. But I hope I 
do; he's а nice guy. 

PLAYBOY: Why did you do it? 
SHERRILL: He asked me. You 
know, he’s probably more of 
a country fan than I am. He 
really loves George Jones. Me, 
I like to go home and listen 
to Johann Strauss. Anyway, 
we did the album. I didn't 
understand a lot of it because 
he is so radical in his phras- 
ing; he probably knows some- 
thing I don't know. But I had 


162 a ball. 


PLAYBOY: Do you think he 
could ever be a great country 
singer? 

SHERRILL: Anybody can have 
a country hit if he really nails 
something properly But I 
don't see him as a, um, main- 
stream-country act. 

PLAYBOY: You've produced a 
wide range of women singers, 
but Lacy J. Dalton is still 
quite a departure for you. 
"Were you looking for some- 
body fresh? 

SHERRILL: No. I was just listen- 
ing to a bunch of tapes when 
this gutsy voice asked, "Why 
do I fall for those crazy blue 
eyes?” She made everything 
else I heard that day—includ- 
ing tapes from all our great 
publishers and writers in 
town—sound like crap. 
PLAYBOY: You personally 
screen all your material? 


SHERRILL: Every last pitiful 
one—and most of them are 
pretty bad, 

PLAYBOY: Couldn't you entrust 
that chore to someone else? 
SHERRILL: It'd be like hiring 
a guy to make love to my wife. 
PLAYBoy: Do you get bored 
working with the same artists 
year after year? 

SHERRILL: Sure. And it's always 
the same feeling: We look at 
each other and you feel like 
you're taking your sister to the 
drive-in one more time. 
PLAYBOY: Is that what hap- 
pened with Tammy Wynette? 
SHERRILL: There's no big di- 
vorce suit pending. you know. 
If somebody came in with a 
song that destroyed me and I 
got that old feeling again, I'd 
pick up the phone and call 
"Tammy and we'd cut it. 
PLAYBOY: But you continue to 
produce George Jones. 
SHERRILL: Recording Jones is 
like coaching Earl Campbell: 
You give him the ball and you 
know what he's going to do 
with it. I bet him $100 that 
He Stopped Loving Her To- 
day would go number one. 
He thought it was too depress- 
ing, too slow and too long. 
Needless to say, he paid up. 


PLAYBOY: We've heard that in 
some cases, you finish all the 
instrumental tracks, so that all 
the artist has to do is walk in 
and do the vocals. 
SHERRILL: Sometimes you have 
to do that. It depends on the 
alcohol content in the artist's 
blood. A lot of times you cut 
records and the artist isn't 
even in town. 
PLAYBOY: You once said you 
produced some of the ugliest 
performers in the business. 
Do you also seek our... . 
SHERRILL: Craze-o's? I don't 
know, and I've thought about 
that a lot myself, But they've 
all had their flings and are 
settling down now. Jones has 
straightened up, Paycheck, too. 
PLAYBOY: You co-wrote Tam- 
my Wynette’s hit Stand By 
Your Man. Does it bother you 
that it gets played in gay bars? 
SHERRILL: As long as I'm 
paid performance royalties, I 
wouldn't care if they played 
it in Russia. 
PLAYBOY: What accounts for 
your fascination with strings? 
SHERRILL: There's a part in 
He Stopped Loving Her To- 
day when you realize that the 
guy in the song is dead and 
(concluded on page 218) 


Little T-and-A Award: То Pat “Lycra spandex" Benatar, who says 
she's tired of being characterized as a sexpot. She's working 
on a new, nonsexual image, and that means very little T and А. 


Макімс THe Woro 
Sare For Jazz 


Finally recovered after a string of health problems, Miles 
Davis limped across the concert stage this year and showed 
himself to be the toughest jazz-blues-rock.wa-wa trumpeter 
around. Performing with a mostly rock group, including a 
conga player who wrestled his drum to the floor, Miles once 
again unsettled the few remaining jazz purists. But that was 
the last note from the purists this year. Most of the notes came 
from a new breed of crossover contenders who have found a 


ШЭ: дуноу = 
D.s. Pott 


The trouble with some contests, 
is that they're judged by ani 
teur. Of course, there's р 
reason for doing things that way 
after all, it involves the same prin- 
ciple that made America great. 
On the other hand, there are 
plenty of good reasons for letting 
the pros have their say. Expe- 
rience counts. With that in mind, 
we asked 22 of the country's best- 


way to sneak their music onto the radio and sell some records. 

Nineteen eighty-one saw lots of activity on the pop charts by 
artists who—rightly or wrongly, willingly or not—carried the 
label jazz: Al Jarreau, Grover Washington, Jr., Stanley Clarke 
and George Duke, David Sanborn, Tom Browne, Jeff Lorber, 
Pat Metheny, Lee Ritenour and, of course, George Benson, 
who started the whole movement. Most of the records have 
been the R&B-influenced brand of fusion that some have 
dubbed jazzz. For a change, pop critics are the ones debating 
the nomenclatures, while jazz writers appear ready to accept 
the success of Washington and Jarreau without argument. 

The fusion artists—most of whom reject the word jazz (and 
why not? It's always been the kiss of death commercially)—are 
doing what comes naturally, as all music these days becomes 
increasingly eclectic. The Stones’ Tattoo You features the 
great tenor-sax player Sonny Rollins—who goes uncredited in 
the liner notes. Just for the record, Mick says Rollins is an old 
favorite of Charlie Watts's. Rollins is just now coming out with 
his first selfproduced album, called No Problem (Milestone). 
Dizzy Gillespie put in an appearance on Chaka Khan's remake 
of his classic Night in Tunisia. Duke Ellington's Sophisticated 
Ladies made it to Broadway in a razzle-dazzle, definitely show- 
time treatment of the music. 

Bird lives on film and in print. Now, as Richard Pryor 
prepares for his screen role as Charlie Parker, a picture book 
about Bird has appeared in England; it weighs in at eight 
pounds and costs $111. With money like that going for books 
about dead musicians, you can't blame the new breed for cash- 
ing in while they're still breathing. So what if Grover Washing- 
ton's funky wail isn’t Charlie Parker’s—just view him as а 
guerrilla occupation trooper making the world safe for bebop. 


. Domnie Iris / Ah Lech 


known radio personalities for 
their choices of the years best 
music. Part of the point was to 
sce just how closely their personal 
tastes would mirror the tastes of 
their audiences—you. Frankly, we 
didn't expect such little deviation 
from our readers’ poll result 
What this means, we suppose, is 
that there's some kind of w 
formity out there. Quality, like 
the color yellow, is difficult to 
describe but everyone knows it 
when he steps in it. What fol- 
lows, then, ate the names of the 
djs and their choices. 


Tommy Edwards WLS, Chicago 
Larry Lujak WLS, Chicago 


Steve Dahl — WLS-FM, Chicago 
Garry Meier — WLS-FM, Chicago 
SkyDoniels — WLUP, Chicago 
John Fisher — WMET, Chicogo 
Kid Leo WMMS, Cleveland 
B. Mitchel Reed KLOS, Les Angeles 
Jeff Gonzer КМЕТ, Les Angeles 
Jack Snyder КМЕТ, Los Angeles 
Mary Turner КМЕТ, Les Angeles 
Don Ingram WABC, New York 


Dave Herman. 
Richard Neer 
Pat St. John 


WNEW-FM, New York 
WNEW-FM, New York 
WPLJ, New York 


WNNR, Philadelphia 
WMMR, Philadelphia 
Picorzi WYSP, Philodelpkio 
Jimmy Roach WDVE, Pittsburgh 
Tempie Lindsey KISS, San Antonio 
D.J. POLL RESULTS: 
BEST ALBUM 
1. Rolling Stones / Tattoo You 
2. REO Speedwagon / Hi Infidelity 
З. Steve Winwood / Arc of a Diver 


BEST SINGLE 
1. Rolling Stones / Stor! Me Up 


З. The Go-Go's / Our Lips Are Sealed 


BEST GROUP 

1. Rolling Stones 

2. Bruce Springs 
Bond 

3. The Police 

BEST MALE SINGER 

1. Bruce Springsteen 

2. Mick Jagger 

3. Bob Seger 

BEST FEMALE SINGER 

1. Stevie Nicks 

2. Chrissie Hynde 

3. Pat Benatar 


n & The E Street 


163 


ГЛИ a= Yaa 
Ш) / ta о 


Most socially aware song 
title of the year: Too Drunk 
to Fuck, by the Dead Ken- 
nedys. 

. 

Still dead after all these 
years: Death was hot stuff 
again in the music biz this 
past year. Elvis’ bio, Dr. Nick'sl 
trial, Colonel Parker's vari- 
ous lawsuits and even a recipe 
book that included Pepsi-Cola’ 


Salad—one of El's favorites— ` 


all made the papers in 1981 
There were more current de- 
mises to mourn, such as Bob 
Marley's, Bob Hite's, Harry 
Chapin's Mike Bloomfield’s, 
and Furry Lewis, but the 
award for the year's best worst 
magazine-cover line goes to 
Rolling Stone for printing: 
“JIM MORRISON. HE'S HOT, HE'S 
SEXY AND HE'S DEAD." 
. 

Don't send me no doctor: 
Country music almost had to 
close up shop while Johnny 
Cash, Willie Nelson, Jerry Lee 
Lewis, Merle Haggard and 
George Jones all reported to 
their hospital beds. We know 
for a fact that Dr. was 
not the attending physician. 

. 

Ringo plays Bach: Beatle 
news. George Harrison is ex- 
ecutive producer of Time 
Bandits and writes his auto- 
biography. . .. Ringo stars in 


Tom Snyder tried to bring music to TV but lost. NBC's 


Todays Kal Rudman tries to 


Mistcken Identity: Rod Stewart and Kim Carnes appeared togeth- 
er оп Rod's TY special, proving theyre not the same person. 
Now we hear a new theory—they're twins separated at birth. 


Caveman, marries Barbara 
Bach and records Stop and 
Smell the Roses. . . . Paul tries 
to buy back the rights to early 
Lennon/McCartney hits from 
British producer Sir Lew 
Grade. .. . And John con- 
tinues to get tributes, from a 
musical about his life pro- 
duced in home town Liver- 
pool to the sales of Double 


See Me, Hear Me Buy MI 


pick the hits. He saw success at 


last for Bob Seger—whose prior two albums had gone quad- 
ruple platinum. Another Rudman flash: "Songs are going back 
to Stephen Foster because women want the house and family." 
We'll take the Solid Gold dancers. 

The real TV-music action is on pay TV. As America gets 


164 wired, cable systems are hungry for product, creating a market 


Fantasy to а five-city tour by 
the Cincinnati Pops. 
. 

Satin pols: Republican Party 
heavyweights honored vibist/ 
G.OP. backer Lionel Hamp- 
ton at an all-star White House 
jam session. Host “Symphony 
Ron" Reagan inquired of the 
audience, "Aren't we glad we 
all grew up in the era of 


“A always been a ready regurg 


wt e 
Wane >. 
Ae 


the big bands?” The overpow- 
ering response indicated that 
you wouldn't find this crowd at 
your typical AC/DC concert. 
“Where the hell was Tony 

Bennett?” muttered a dis- 
gruntled senatorial type on 
his way out. Must have been 
a Democrat. 


The record business has 


Itator—and last year it outdid 
itself. as Stars on 45 ascended 
the charts with a medley of 
Beatles hits. As The Beach 
Boys followed with a medley 
of their own, listeners must 
have thought their cultural 
lives were flashing past their 
ears. Dick Clark planned a 
new radio show called Rock, 
Roll and Remember. Rock- 
аЪШу and surf music were 
revived. Juice Newton hit 
with Angel of the Morning 
and Carly Simon did an al- 
bum of torch songs. Larry 
Graham put down his bass 
and sang old doo-wop ballads. 
At Christmas time there were 
no fewer than 48 "Greatest 
Hits" albums on the market— 
double the number of the pre- 
vious усаг. And a new genera- 
tion of rock fans was listening 
to everything it could get hold 
of by The Doors, The Who 
and The Yardbirds. 


for video producers. Music sells—partly because established 
stars come with an audience and partly because music, like 
porn, has a high repeatability factor. Blondie, or even a new 
act like The Go-Go's, can do a show, lease it to cable, sell tapes 
and turn a profit. Insiders think video will soon explode comi- 
mercially the way stereo did in the Sixties. Ex-Monkee turned 
video producer Mike Nesmith sees a change in the way we view 
TV: “Now you can play your TV set.” 


PETER TOWNSHEND 


Peter Townshend, The Who's songwriter and lead gui- 
tarist, can claim part paternity for the modern musical 
miscellany. The creative force of arguably the most im- 
portant band since the Beatles, perplexed parent of 
“Tommy” and progenitor of the forces of rock's violent 
horsepower, Townshend has contributed most of the good, 
bad and even ugly that characterize The Who. He, Roger 
Daltrey, John Entwistle and Keith Moon defined the past 
15 years of tock п” voll. In his lyrics, Townshend gave us 
the hard, punk facts about our g-g-generation and then 


turned deftly to humor, metaphor and metaphysics. From 
the exuberant “Live at Leeds” album through the brilliant, 
straightforward “Who's Next” to the unanswered question 
“Who Are You,” they have mixed and remixed the nostal- 
gic, angry, iconoclastic and transcendent essences of rock 
music, and since Moon’s death in 1978, Townshend has 
continued to search for an identity for the band with no 
name. His 1980 solo work, “Empty Glass,” suggests that 
the world’s most smashing guitarist is still trying to find a 
chord that will express both his compassion and his rage. 


PREVIOUS HALL OF FAME WINNERS: 


Duane Allman Eric Clapton 
Herb Alpert John Coltrane 
Louis Armstrong Niles Davis 
Count Basie Bob Dylan 

John Bonhom Duke Ellington 
Dave Brubeck Ella Fitzgerald 
Roy Charles Benny Goodmon 


George Harrison 


Jimi Hendrix Jim Morrison 
Mick Jogger Elvis Presley 

Elton John Lindo Ronstadt 
Janis Joplin Frank Sinatra 
John Lennon. Bruce Springsteen 
Poul McCartney Ringo Storr 

Wes Montgomery Stevie Wonder 
Keith Moon 


SCULPTURE BY JACK GREGORY / PHOTOGRAPHY BY SEYMOUR MEDNICK 


Es ше 


COUNTRY -AND-WESTERN 


CHARLIE DANIELS BAND group 
` 
5 
ае Ф 


PN 


WILLIE NELSON composer/songwri 
mole vocolist 


ROY CLARK string instrumentolist 


Por ROCK Y GS 
( j4 pel 
2 \ 
PAUL McCARTNEY boss x. ez _MICK FLEETWOOD drums 
P. ч Юю 
D 


га n 


CARLOS SANTANA guitar 


ROLLING STONES grup й РАТ BENATAR femole vocalist ` 
3 BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN 


mole vocolist, composer 


BILLY JOEL keyboords 


ILLUSTRATION BY BILL UTTERBACK 


For complete Playboy Music Poll resulis, turn fo page Д 


RHY THM-AND-BLUES 


“У CONMODORES group 
STEVIE WONDER composer 


STANLEY CLARKE boss — d 


„7 f 
MANHATTAN round P sazz 
N z S Q _GEORGE BENSON guitar 
“= G ER y 
= j 
7 


4s 
INS а а 
: RS DA 


‘CHUCK MANGIONE composer, 
GROVER WASHINGTON, JR. woodwinds brass / 
AL JARREAU mole vocalist 


Two pictures are worth 


Atari vs. Intellivision? 

Nothing I could say would be more 
persuasive than what your own. 
two eyes will tell you. But I cant 
resist telling you more. 

— George Plimpton — 


а Out, £f Ing 5 
3 Ball ^ — 5trk 1 
INTELLIVISION 


ATARI 
HOME RUN" BASEBALL MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL" * 


athousand words. 


It's obvious how much more realistic Intellivision graphics 
are. Rut take a closer look. Notice the Intellivision players. 
"They've got arms and legs like real players do. Look at 

the field. It actually looks more like a real baseball field. If you 
compare the two games, I think you'll find that Intellivision 
looks a lot more like the real thing. 


Intellivision Las Vegas ee & 
Blackjack. You play са 
witha shifty-eyed ара 


Atari Casino" No dealer. 


More about action 
You can see how much more 


realistic Intellivision looks. — mille ll. «р 


What we can't show you here Atari Peles Championship 
is how much more realistically Soccer" players 


it moves. If you could compare 
А. An An 


the two, I think you'd see 


that Intellivision has smoother TA га, аі 

and more life-like movement 

than Atari. Intellivision NASL 
Soccer" * players 

More about control 


If you've ever playeda video game, you know how important: 
control is. And if you held these two control units in your 
hand, youd know Intellivision gives you more. The Atari 
hand controller offers only 8 positionsand one button. 
The Intellivision hand controller has 16 posi- 
tions and 4 buttons. So Intellivision allows 


Action 


8-position 
button 


Joy stick 


Action 
buttons 


Game cartridge 


16-position 
overlays 


control disk 

‘Action buttons 

ATARI JOY STICK 
HAND CONTROLLER 


IN e 
HAND CONTROLLER 


MATTEL £LZCTRONICS® 


INTELLIVISION 


Intelligent Television 


you to maneuver players and objects in more directions 
with greater precision and accuracy. And the Intellivision 
controller is compatible with the entire library. With Atari, 
some games require the purchase of additional control units. 


More about challenge 

You can't see it here, but I have found that in many of the 
Atari programs, the game play is rather simplistic. With 
Intellivision, the game play is more sophisticated. And that 
makes Intellivision more challenging. With Intellivision PGA 
Golf for instance, you get nine different clubs to choose 
from. With Atari Golf, you have to make do with just one 
club. Greater attention to detail is a quality I have found 

in all of the Intellivision games. Making them more realistic. 
And more challenging. 


Atari Golf 


Intellivision PGA Golf '** 


More about libraries 

Both Intellivision and Atari have large libraries. But there 
really isn't any way you can tell which library is better, 

until you play with both. Once you compare the two systems 
for challenge, sophistication and continued interest, I'm 
confident you'll choose Intellivision. But don't just take my 
word for it. Visit your local dealer and decide for yourself. 


2O QUESTIONS: JAMES WOODS 


hollywood's favorite creep sounds off on good looks, 
bad producers and what the catholic church taught him about sex 


james Woods has made a career of 
J playing some of the more offbeat 
characters in recent films. He was the 
sociopathic killer in “The Onion Field,” 
the doomed German-Jewish artist in 
“Holocaust,” the freaked-out Vietnam 
veteran in “Eyewitness” and will be the 
cult deprogrammer in the forthcoming 
“Captured.” Some critics say Woods, 34, 
is the new De Niro, the new Pacino—an 
intense actor capable of playing an enor- 
mous varicly of roles, cach one of them 
different, cach one complete. To find out 
more about him, we sent out interviewer 
Claudia Dreifus. “Jimmy Woods is fast- 
talking, glib and smart,” Dreifus reports. 
"He's one man who is really clear on 
who he is and what he does.” 


17 


PLAYBOY: In most of your films, you've 
played either a victim, a sociopath or a 
loser. Does being typed in this way 
bother you? 

woops: No. Has the man in the gray 
flannel suit ever interested anybody? 
There aren't very many interesting 
straight-down-theline sort of people. 
Robert Redford is about the only one 
who's been able to capitalize on being 
Mr. Straight. But he’s a much under- 
rated actor; he does much more interest- 
ing things than he's given credit for. 
Look at Ordinary People. His characters 
are the most disoriented bunch of people 
I've ever seen. When I began trying to 
get into movies and television, 1 used to 
bitch and moan that conventionally 
good-looking guys had everything going 
for them. If we all went for a Rockford 
Files part, one of them would most likely 
get it because he looked like Robert 
Wagner and I didn't. But some of these 
guys who got the parts and who were 
also my friends would say to me, “Jim- 
my, eventually you'll end up getting the 
De Niro parts and we never will." They 
knew that it wouldn't be very interesting 
to watch an Arrow-shirt man in Raging 
Bull. 


FA 


PLAYBOY: Of all the sociopaths and mis- 
fits you've played, which one taught you 
the most? 

woops: The cop killer I played in The 
Onion Field. Y was really horrified to 
find out he had no sense of right or 
wrong. 

PHOTOGRAPHY ВУ BENNO FRIEDMAN. 


When I first began the movie, I 
thought, I'l find some way to таке 
guy real sensitive and have him 
exonerate himself in a grander human 
or spiritual or moral universe, That way, 
hell turn out not to have been such a 
horrible human being. When we fin- 
ished shooting, what I had done felt very 
cold and disgusting, and I realized that 
there is a kind of person who is truly 
sociopathic. I had to come to grips with 
that; to find out what it's like not to 
think about whether other people lived 
or died—so long as they served my pur- 
poses. It’s quite chilling to know that I 
could—that we all could, under the right 
circumstances—operate on that level. 


EX 


PLAYBOY: Isn't there 

the outlaw in your wor 
Woops: Maybe there's something to that. 
Nietzsche had a theory that the law was 
invented by the weak to keep the strong 
at bay. Га like to amend that a bit. I 
think that maybe the outlaw was invent- 
ed by the slightly more sensitive people 
to keep the weight of the so-called Beau- 
tiful People at bay long enough to keep 
themselves breathing in their own world. 
Ive always felt that outcasts have a 
certain purity that other people don't. 
Outcasts don't have to live up to any 
standards—they define their o 


4. 

PLAYBOY: You played Karl Weiss, the 
neurotic and doomed artist in Holo- 
caust. How would you feel if you were 
hit by a truck tomorrow and Holocaust 
were the thing that you were most re- 
membered for? 

woops: І feel OK about Holocaust. But 
I wouldn't want it to be the epitaph on 
my tombstone. While we were shooting 
it, Meryl Streep and I concluded that we 
were committing the second greatest 
crime of the 20th Century: We we 
сей we would probably all go to hell 
for doing this piece of shit and besmirch- 
ing the memory of millions of victims 
of the Holocaust. As it turned out, we 
were unfair to the program and to our- 
selves; that series meant a lot to people. 
I felt good about what I did. I liked 
showing a supposedly weak man who, in 
fact, was just a sensitive man—and who 
fought back in his own way and who was 
willing to give his life for what he be- 


lways a sense of 


© con- 


lieved in. I like to show people who go 
beyond their capabilities and become 
heroic in some small way. I want every- 
body who sits in the audience to think: 
You know, at one point in my life, ГЇЇ 
do some small gesture like that and it 
will make me just a little bit better than 
I thought I was. 


BR 


PLAYBOY: What qualities do you think 
producers see in you? 

woops: Producers don't see anything in 
me. Producers hate me, OK? Producers 
e assholes, How's that for a quote? 
They're schmucks; they're deal makers. 
They know all the tricks of the trade 
but they don't know the trade itself. 
Producers know how to steal money and 
they know how to put together packages. 
So what relevance would someone like 
me have in their lives? They don't give a 
shit about the kind of thing that I do. 
My only stock in trade—my one strong 
suit, in all objective modesty—is that 
I feel I'm one of the most talented 
people of my generation in film. I may 
not be the most charismatic. І may not 
be the most successful. I'm not a pretty 
boy, When they want one of those, they 
call Richard Gere. But if the role re- 
quires that the actor be great or it's go- 
ing to be a disastrous picture, they call 
me. As for most producers, they're liars 
and thieves, They have no value in life. 
They don't believe in anything. 


6. 


PLAYBOY: As an actor, who's your com- 
petition? Do you think you're up there 
with guys like Robert De Niro? 

woos: From a business point of view, 
lost parts to John Hurt and Treat 
liams and others. І would like to 
hear my name and De Niro's mentioned 
in the same sentence more often than 
not. Whether, in fact, that becomes true 
will depend on the future. But if 1 don't 
end up deserving that honor in the eyes 
of the world, tough shit for the eyes of 
the world, because that's where І think 
I belong. 


5. 
PLAYBOY: A lot of people thought you'd 
get ап Oscar for your performance in 


The Onion Field, but you weren't even 
nominated. Why not, do you suppose? 
woons: I don't seem to get awards. The 


171 


PLAYBOY 


172 


year before The Onion Field, 1 was in 
Holocaust. Everyone said I would get 
an Emmy for that. There were 16 Emmy 
nominations for Holocaust. All the 
principals—except me. But the day I 
didn't get nominated for Onion Field 
was also the day I really fell in love with 
atherine Greko, who later became my 
wife—so it didn't matter. Who gives а 
fuck about the Academy Award? 

I mcan, who's іп thc Academy any- 
way? The Joey Bishops of this world. 
"The Academy is not made up of people 
who go to see The Onion Field. It's made 
up of people who watch The Dinah 
Shore Show. It would have pissed me off 
if Coppola and those guys were making 
the decision. But if the Swifty Lazars or 
whoever else is a member of the 
Academy doesn't think I deserve an 
award, well, I think it's something like a 
tone«leal schmuck's telling Jascha Hi 
feu, "You know, I don't really like your 
music too much 


8. 


pLaynoy: But deep down, wouldn't you 
ally like to win an Oscar? 

woovs: Sure. Of course І want it. Do 
you know what it docs for your salary 
when you win an Academy Award? It 
quadruples it. And І want them to pay 
mc а lot of money. І nt to bleed them. 
where they live. 


9. 


вілуноу: And what would you do 
with really big money once you were 
making it? 

Woops: І don't know; I don't have that 
much need for money. With the money 
I made from my last picture, І bought 
my mother a condominium. If I got too 
much more, Га probably just buy a lot 
of drugs and stop doing interviews and. 
just settle down and destroy myself. The 
point is this: Why should I let the pro- 
ducers of this world drive around in a 
Rolls-Royce, and not me? 


10. 


PLAYBOY: What makes you merit that 
Rolls so much more than they? 

Woops; It’s not me that counts. Whats 
important is what the artist contributes 
to the film. Me, I can stand on a strect 
corner and entertain and people will 
throw coins. Producers can make deals. 
Period. Anybody can do what they do. 
But not everybody can create a vision 
of humanity, in an offbeat way, that will 
enlighten people's souls. An actor, at his 
best, does that. 


n. 
PLAYROY: When you were а kid growing 
up in Rhode Island, did you think you 
were good-looking? 


woovs: No. What was considered good- 
looking in those days were all those 
fucking little walking surfboards and 
Barbie dolls. By those standards, I felt 
hideously ugly. It didn't threaten me, 
though. I thought, Well, I'm real intel- 
igent. I have wit, I have some standards 
l believe in. І never said, "I'm not 
good-looking. Therefore, I am a loser. 

Now I must say, in all honesty, І did 
envy the guys who looked more like the 
ideal. I thought, Boy, those guys have 
it great. Those guys never have a prob- 
lem. If they have a pimple, it’s always 
under their arm or somewhere like that. 


12. 


rLAYBOY: So how did you become an 
actor? In those days, only guys who 
looked like Tab Hunter thought ol be- 
coming actors. 

woons: Becoming am actor was the onc 
fantasy I never had as a kid. Basically, 
I wondered if someday I was going to 
go off and become a senior vice-presi- 
dent at Union Carbide and have an ex- 
tra car in the garage. And I did go that 
route for a while. І went to MIT on full 
scholarship. My father, who died when I 
was 12, had always wanted me to go to 
MIT. He'd wanted to go there himself. 
But he couldn't—so it was his dream for 
me to go. My dad was in the Service. He 
had a rough life. He wanted something 
better for те. 


13. 


rLAYBOY: Then how did acting come to 
you, if you were going to go off and be- 
come a corporation man? 

Woops: It came out of the clear blue. А 
friend of mine asked me to help out in 
a high school play for a drama compe- 
tition and, in fact, I won an award for 
my work in that piece. Later, at MIT, 
1 went to the Dramashop а lot. I liked 
acting. Besides, the Dramashop was the 
only place at MIT where there was any 
pussy. MIT had very few women and all 
of them made Golda Meir look like 
Marilyn Monroe. The Dramashop was 
the one little oasis in the middle of a 
completely cock-ridden desert. 


14. 
гідувоу: Why did you quit MIT in 
your senior year? 

woons: I was majoring in political science 
during the war in Vietnam. Many of 
my professors had research and consult- 
ing contracts with the Delense Depart- 
ment, Around school, you'd hear a lot 
of talk about "war being an extension 
of diplomacy." I was high on the dean's 
list, but everything bothered те. I didn't 
want to graduate and go to work for the 
fucking State Department or the CIA to 
do graphics on how to promote more 


megadeaths in Vietnam. So 1 talked with 
a friend, Tom Cole. and I said to him, 
y father always wanted me to grad 
uate from MIT. but I think I want to 
quit." And he said, “If I could be your 
surrogate father for a moment, І would 
tell you, for him, that it’s all right. I'm 
sure he'd be happy if you did what you 
really want to do with your life.” Then 
T called my mother and asked her, “Does 
this break your heart?” She said, “І think 
you should do what you want to do and 
Il help you in any way I can." Ten 
years later, she told me that she almost 
died inside, but she never let me know. 


15. 

rLAYBOY: Who are your heroes? 
woons: Joe Wambaugh. He has real 
integrity. Also, І admired John Lennon. 
I don't think that man ever did anything 
he really didn't want to do, and that 
impresses me. I read his Playboy Inter- 
view and a lot of it was not my cup of 
tea, but I loved that he didn't apologize 
for anything. He seemed li 
liad a lot of hard times 

My mother is one of the most heroic 
people І know. She grew up оп welf 
But she started a private school for chil- 
dren in Providence, The school could 
have made a profit, but instead, she gave 
away 20 percent of the places to poor 
kids, black Kids. Once, her accountant 
asked her why she did it, and she said: 
"Because one day, I saw a bus go by and. 
it said, PROJECT and I 
thought, Why should those kids be stig- 
matized like that? So I followed that 
bus to where the kids lived and whe 
they got olf, І asked their parents. 
"Would you like to send your children 
to a private school” ” My mother remem- 
bered what it was like to be the poorest 
kid in town and to feel bad because 
of it. 


man who 


EAD START, 


16. 


лувоу: What do you like most about 
women? 

woos: Well, I used to be accused by my 
old girlfriend of hating women. But. 
then, she hated те. І hate what women 
let society make them become. І hate 
people who think honor is а kid's 
game—and 1 think a lot of women have 
been taught, “All's fair in love and war." 
1 love strong women. I love women who 
don't take shit. My wife is like that. Me, 
Im a great manipulator. but I didn't 
realize it until I met her and she pointed 
it out. She just won't let me manipulate 
her. 


ы 


12: 
pLaynoy: Is your marriage monogamous? 
жоор»: Yeah. And it's no problem. No- 
body excites me as much as Katherine 


does. No one ever will. A lot of guys 
think that when they have a problem 
with their marriage, thc answer is to go 
out and fuck some bimbo. When Kathy 
and I have a fight about something, I'll 
all up one of my male friends 
be well fly to Vegas for a day of 
bling. Sticking my dick into so 
random woman is not going to solve 
whatever prob Im havin i 
Kathy. We've put mechanical sex 
up on the altar of 20th Century America 
and it isn’t very interesting. 
18. 
відувоу: Now that you've hit it big in 
movies, do lots of women come on to 
you? 
woops: Actually nobody hits on me 
since Гус gotten married. A friend of 
mine said that's because ever since I 
met Kathy, І haven't been g off the 
And I'm not catching it, either. | 

h is fine with me. I wasn’t all that 
happy with what was called the sexual 
revolution. When I was single and living 
out in Malibu, I went throu phase 
when fucking different women all the 


time seemed zood way of getting 
quick fix on feeling intimate and not 
alone. One day, І woke up and wanted 
more in life. When Kathy and I first got. 
i Ik up the streets of Bev- 
chippies 
red up for the kill. Being with 


someone I truly loved and was com- 
mitted to, I thought, Man, I wasn't 
ng to get them. They were trying to 


get me. And I let them have me too 
itt 
19. 


глуво: When you were single, did you 
have an easy time with women? 

woops: Nothin casy. Nothing. But 
I was smart enough to know that if a 
irl didn’t look at me twice before my 
last picture came out and three w 

ater she had a lip lock on my zipper, 
this had nothing to do with me 
person. 


відувоу: You grew up Catholic. What 
effect did that have on you? 

woops: I wasn't forced to go to church 
or anything, but I did go. And I learned 
a lot from it. Nothing ever made s 
as good as the Catholic Church did. 
When you're Catholic, it's literally 
sin to think about 

or something 

well go out and eat it if you're going to 
go to hell for thinking about it. You 
think, Well, I can't help thinking about 
it, so fuck it. Tm g 110 hell 
and 1 might as well go out there and 
i nd call it a day. 


STEEL 85° © 1961 HEUBLEIN, INC. HARTFORD, CT. 


Steet has a clean, polished 
peppermint taste. Smoother and 
less syrupy than you'd expect from 
a shot of schnapps. So after a hard 
day's work, pour yourself some 
Steel. The 85 Proof Schnapps. 


UH-Og....pipw'T You Y 
TAKE A VALIUM Я 
BEFORE? 


| Bur DIDN'T you ALREADY 
HAVE A SCREWDRIVER, A SLOE 
GIN FIZZ, А WHITE-WINE 

SPRITZER AND A COUPLE 


W WELL, I'm 
М ENTITLED. I'VE V 
HAD ^ Birch 


SOME CHRISTMAS TREES, ATE 
HALF Му HASH BROWNIES AND 
SNORTED Att MY SNEEZE CHEESE? 


THAT'S RIGHT. [м Ў 
FULL ОҒ MORE SUNK 
THAN NEW JERSEY 
AND 1 SNU CAN'T 


Y'KNOW, BERT—MaYBE THE 
REASON GERTIE (© 
UNFAITHFUL 15 BE- 
CAUSE YOU DON'T 
GWE HER ENOUGH 
LONE AT HOME — 


174 


WELL, DON'T You 
KNOW WHAT ALL THAT 
CRAP TURNS INTO 
WHEN IT HITS YOUR 
STOMACH AT THE 


SAME TIME? 


OF KAMIKAZES? 


= COFFULCOFE NS 
ROCKET FUEL. 


Betsy's Buddies by Kuvteman and Downs 


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178 


PERSONAL BEST 


(continued from page 101) 


“The color of his dump was caca dauphin, and that’s 
why we have khakis to this day. Pm serious.” 


even to be photographed. 

Playboy: Then why have you turned to 
directing films with Personal Best? Di- 
recting will mean the loss of anonymity, 
won't it? 

"rowNE: Oh, God, tell me about it. How 
would you like six guys with walkie- 
talkies following you in to take а dump 
and saying, "Do you have a minute?” 
When | was in basic taining in the 
Army, with those open heads, І couldn't 
ke a dump lor eight days. Finally, I 
learned to do it, but it was а very severe 
invasion of my privacy. Directing opens 
you up. You've got 200 people staring 
everything, You [eel like some idiotic 
king. They used to watch Louis XIV. 
wake up in the morning, then they 
used to watch him take a dump, then 
they used to applaud at the dump. They 
watched every fucking thing the guy did. 
The color of his dump was caca dau- 
phin, so the courtiers wore it, and that's 
why we have khakis to this day. I'm 
serious. Thats where it comes from. 
Everybody in the Army is wearing the 
dauphin's dump. 

PLaynoy: But back to directing: 
TOWNE: What an invasion. You have two 
choices in that situation. You cither just 
fucking cover up or figure, "What the 
Tuck—it's the job,” and you expose your- 
sell. But to be fair, its only to 200 
i not to the whole world. But 
that's bad. enough. Direcüng is submit- 
ting yourself to the indignity of thinking 
out loud—to save time. The great thing 


about [d 
Chapman 


ctor of photography] Michael 
nd about this crew is that 
they gave me the greatest privilege of 
all—they allowed me to make a fool of 
myself. They allowed me to think and 
feel out loud. They were very kind and. 
patient and charitable, I think that the 
working relationship that we obtained 
on the set, even under the most arduous. 
situations, was loose. No 
below-the-line crew I have ever 
been involved with ever felt more ac- 
tively involved in every choice that was 
made. In fact, the joke got to be, "Its a 
classless soci 
You alway yre [the crew] 
a bunch of fucking gorillas. and it's the 
girls against the boys. They think the 
actors and director and writer а 
bunch of sissies. When you put in the 
effort in writing and directing and every- 
thing else, you fecl dread at having to 
be beaten up by the tougher guys in the 
schoolyard. But that simply did not 
happen on this film. 
PLAYBOY: What drew you to the sub- 
ject of women athletes in the first place? 
TOWNE: I'd been meeting them at UCLA 
and swimming with them and working 
out. Prior to going into the pool one 
ay—and there's an echo of this scene 
in the script—I was sitting down at 
UCLA and looking at this exercise 
machine with four standards, and this 
person sits down next to me and starts 


warming up with 110 pounds, like 
nothing at all. And I say, Fuck, this guy 


is really strong. And I look out the cor- 
ner of my eye, and that guy gets up and 
gets out of her sweats and it's very much 
a girl. Oh, my fucking Christ. That was 
probably the beginning of Personal Best, 
the seed of it. Then I got to know this 
girl who was the top pentathlete, Jane 
Frederick, and she introduced me to 
other people, and one day I said, Jesus, 
1 think I'll write a script. I wrote Person- 
al Best very quickly. 

PLAYBOY: With the intention of direct- 
ing it? Had you been dissatisfied with 
the way any of your other films had been 
handled? 


TOWNE: A script is a little bit like a golf 
course. A real good script is, lets say 
a par 72. Most directors are shooting 
in the 90s, а few shoot in the 80s, and 
if you're great, you get close to a scratch 
golfer. Your imagination is always going 
to be superior to the execution, no 


matter how great the script is 
PLAYBOY: What did you shoot on Per- 
sonal Best? 
towne: I shot everything but myself. 
riaynoy: I mean, how close did you 
get to what you wanted to do? 
towne: I don't get tired looking at the 
movie. So I suppose that whatever else 
is true, that must have been what 1 
wanted to see at some level, or Га get 
tired and irritated by it. And I find that 
1 don't. І enjoy it. 
тілувоу: Had you spent a lot of time 
ching directors work over the yea 
TOWNE: Гуе been on sets more than 
anybody I've heard of. 1 worked every 
day on the set of Shampoo. But you 
really don't pick up that much. I mean, 
at happens when you're on a set? As 
a writer, it’s easy. Not everybody is ask- 
g you everything in the world at a 
certain moment in time, so you're fairly 
free to sidle up to somebody and ask 
questions without having that incessant 
bombardment of logistical and creati 
considerations. Directing is like tryi 
think in a hurricane. 

I think the greatest asset T had—and 
one that is not generally known—was 
that I had studied acting for about 
seven years. All of my friends are actors. 
Tt was really the best training І had 
a writer, but I think it was useful to 
me as a director, 100. 

1 knew І would not be uncomfortable 
with the actors. І knew that I would 
work well with actors who like to im- 
provise, as, indeed, all these actors 
[Mariel Hemingway, Scott Glenn, Jim 
Moody and Patrice Donnelly] did. 1 
felt very much at ease, and that was 
probably the most important thing. 
PLAYBOY: Can you talk a little about how 
you work with actors? 

Towne: І always said—and meant itil 
it comes to violating the scene or vio- 
lating yourself, violate the scene. For 
example, in the script, there was a very 
crude line that a huge male shot-putter 
was going to deliver: “Hey, girls, come 


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PLAYBOY 


over and sit on my face. I wanna see 
how much you weigh." At least it was 
friendly. Well, the guy who played the 
shot-putter, Al Feuerbach, could say that 
about as well as Pat Nixon could say 
it. It was simply not in him. But Al said, 


“I сап say it. ГІІ act." Sol id, "Don't 
act. Let's talk about it.” So I took him 
aside. "What would you really say to 


those giri I asked him. “I'm a sensi- 
tive giant," he said. "I don't think of 
girls that way." “Really?” І said. "How 
do you think of them?" He said, “I think 
of them as conversationalists" So І 
Why don't we play the scene that 
So I rewrote the scene with these 
great-looking girls running toward 
two shot-putters, and one of them says to 
AI Feuerbach, "We should say something 
to them." Then АІ says, “І don't talk 
to people I don't know," and then he 
gocs into the same rap he gave mc. І 
had another camera on these two girls, 
focusing on their crotches, geuing big- 
ger and bigger as they got closer and 
closer until it was just an eye close-up 
of two greatlooking pussies. They run 
by and 1 have Al say, "I must say, they 
Jook like two great conversationalists.” 

With every actor, you're different. I 
have a very personal relationship with 
every actor, and І think that what you 
have to do is make actors vulnerable— 
and it's why some directors are seen as 
being sadistic. It’s usually a process of 
tearing down. You can appeal to certain 
personal things in people, if you know 
them, without a direct, frontal assault. 
I guess what I tried to do was say, “Don’t 
be ashamed of anything. Whatever you're 
giving, as long as you feel it, I will 
like it. 

I think it is the task of a director to 
allow an actor to show you his fear, his 
Joathing, his disgust and to love him for 
showing it to you. That allows you to get 
something different from him. Jt creates 
a moment unexpected. You permit an 
actor to act the way you permit а wom- 
an to come. You don't make it a big d 
You allow. You create a very passive 
climate to allow it. I think directing is 
a woman's game, a curiously passive proc- 
ess. You sit there as you watch the 
actors, and you feel, then you tell your- 
self what you fecl and then you tell the 
actors. You watch and encourage. I find 
it, ideally, more maternal than paternal. 
Make me come, make me feel good. Ага 
I going to be in love with you after this? 
rLAYBOY: Was it your intention to make 
an erotic movie? 

TOWNE: First, you don't know what your 
intention is, exactly. You have a sort of 
general idea, but it's like а dream. Your 
intention clear, І think, only alter 
you dream the dream. It was, in part, a 
dream I wanted to have. 1 love the way 
women move, in or out of Adidas shoes. 
I just fucking love the way they iron 
clothes, I love the way they put on their 


180 little mascara or whatever the fuck it is. 


I just love the way they do just about 
anything that is and not so trivial. 
I guess the movie has in it everything І 
was ever demented about in women, 
which is just about everything. And I 
think if you're a writer, in both a gen- 
eral and а specific way, you tend to 
entify with women. 

PLAYBOY: Why is that? 

TOWNE: Well, I think partially because 
women tend to have more power and 
more acumen than theyre generally 
credited with, The same with being a 
screenwriter. Everybody concedes you're 
important, but the political leverage has 
never been consonant with the contribu- 
tion. I've always felt that about women. 
Myself, I like to think that I'm very 
conventional about women. I mean, the 
idea of being a feminist or any of that 
shit is loathsome. I've met a lot of dumb 
male jocks, but I don’t think I've ever 
met а dumb lady athlete who was really 
successful. Men have cultural anteced- 
ents dating back to Waterloo, to Tra- 
falgar Square and to the playing fields of 
Eton. “Win one for the Gipper.” Wom- 
en, on the other hand, have no cultural 
antecedents. They've got to think it 
through all by themselves. In fact, they're 
encouraged not to compete with men, 
with one anather. Some years ago, when 
thematic apperception tests were done 
on women and men, they would ask 
the men who had just passed the bar 
at Harvard, summa cum laude, what 
they planned to do. They said things 
like “Apprentice myself to Felix Frank- 
furter" and so on. A surprising number 
of women, however, would say some- 
thing like, “I'm going to throw myself 


off the top of the Empire State Build- 
ing.” They don’t know how to cope with 


success. They have to think it through at 
each step. Lady athletes are attempting 
to do it. That’s an interesting problem 
all by itself. 

PLAYBOY: What is Personal Best about, 
to you? 

Towne: It’s always dangerous to say what 
a film is about. Going beyond women, 
three things are involved in the filin for 
me: purity, pleasure, pain. Pain 
teacher, and if you look at an athlete 
under great stress, you never know 
whether he's in exquisite pleasure or 
great pain, whether she's about to come 
or to have a child. 

тілувоу: Why did you take on the roles 
of both director апа producer in your 
first film? 

TOWNE: Because I couldn't get anybody 
else to do it. I asked everybody І knew 
who was any good at it. | asked Bob 
Evans, Frank Yablans, Larry Gordon, 
Stanley Jaffe, David Putnam, my 
mother. But they were all busy. They all 
had commitments. А good producer is 
hard to find. 

PLAYBOY: Would you have preferred to 
have a producer? 


is a 


towne: Are you kidding? Yeah. I begged, 
I pleaded, I wept. One thing I learned 
as producer was that its important 
to hire everybody on the movie per- 
sonally and, whenever possible, to talk 
about money with them face to face. 
Agents usually do it, but І think it’s an 
abrogation of responsibility, because if 
you let them do it, chances are that the 
time and the acrimony involved are go- 
ing to affect what's on the screen. I think 
the creative people should take on more 
of the financial responsibility; that is, be 
willing to endure the embarrassment of 
talking to one another about money. 
This is what I feel I'm worth, this is 
what I feel youre worth, etc. Once 
you've donc that with a man and gotten 
past it, theres a bond already there. 
Hey, he says, he thought enough about 
this to talk with me directly. I chink it 
enriches the creative part. In the 19th 
Century, people would tell one another 
about their salaries but they wouldn't 
tell you about their operations. Today, 
though, they'll tell you about premature 
ejaculation or anything else about the 
body, no matter how physically intimate, 
but they won't talk about money. That's 
a mistake. 

PLAYBOY: Much has been made of the 
fact that Personal Best portrays а very 
open lesbian relationship. While you 
were filming, Billie Jean King was sued 
by her lesbian lover for palimony. Do 
you worry that the public will think 
you're taking advantage of that situa- 
tion? 

TOWNE: J have no idea. 

PLAYHOY: Do you care? 

Towne: My only care about it would be 
in the additional unhappiness, anxiety, 
attention that it might bring to Billie 
Jean King. That would be painful. I 
happen to know her; not well, but we 
have had a kind of funny nonrclation- 
ship over the years. We've run into each 
other at odd times and places. She's got 
a very wicked, mischievous smile. What- 
ever else is true of her adventures in life, 
I just find her very feminine and very 
sexy. 

PLAYBOY: You've already taken a lot of 
heat for including the lesbian relation- 
ship in the film. Are you concerned that 
the backlash will spill over and hurt the 
film's chances at the box office? 

Che fact is. І admire these ladies. 
І admire no people more. 1 consider no 
people that I've ever known less corrupt. 
More pure, more about doing what 
they're about. There's a certain sense in 
which the lesbianism is necessary to 
demonstrate that virtue has always been 
associated with chastity. Clark Gable and 
Spencer Tracy could both drill oil wells 
and both fuck Myrna Loy, and they 
could have that implicit homosexual re- 
lationship that you see in Butch Cassidy 
and the Sundance Kid, but there's never 
been any confusion that drilling oil wells 


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PLAYBOY 


182 


in the ground gave them their identities. 
Well, in Personal Best, jumping over 
sticks and pits of sand gives these ladies 
their identities. It’s about the purity of 
that, their commitment to excellence. 
And it's also necessary to say they also 
fuck each other once in a while. 
fucking what? We don't judge men that 
way. We don't remember that. Lawrence 
was a fruit; we remember that he helped 
free Arabia. What men do is more impor- 
tant than whom they fuck. Women, too. 
If the picture doesn’t demonstrate that, 
then it will have been my failing. But I 
have to believe that audiences аге fair- 
minded. And if they see that what's 
involved is friendship, loyalty, а commit- 
ment to excellence and an abiding love 
beyond any kind of sexual weirdness, І 
have to believe they'll respond. 
PLAYBOY: In certain circles in Holly- 
wood, Personal Best was controversial 
for d reasons. You and David 
Geffen, your executive producer, had a 
feud about business and he literally 
pulled the plug—shut down production 
of your movie Гог several months—whi 
you reached a new agreement. How did 
that experience alfect you? 
Towne: Regardless of any argument over 
the respective merits of my noncon- 
nd the sort of 


ferent 


frontation with David 
standoff that resulted, it raises a very 
serious issue: Those of us who make 
movies are less adept at helping one 
other than those on the other side are 
at helping one another. Businessmen 
nd executives are more organized. Part 
I it we. the moviemakers, 
гс to some extent natural-born anarch- 
sts. And we're all isolated in our 
world, and each movie is its own world. 
Also, we are hired to go mad. That 
what our job is. "Your mission, should 
you choose to accept it, is to fulfill a 
dre Well, anybody who takes that 
job on is a nut and belongs in Camarillo. 
And we are hired to do it in 
plined and systematic manner over 
where from 60 to 100 days with men 
and material amounting to tons of God 


asc 


own 


knows what, $5,000,000 to $50,000,000 
and 200 people, many of whom want to 
be out playing golf and not dealing with 
you. And all in the service of creating a 
fantasy. So you're a nut to begin with. 
All of us who do thi е off with our 
own little armies, fighting or tiling at 
our own little windmills. And so by 
definition, we are unable at amy given 
moment to form a cohesive unit to at- 
К our attackers, Which isn't good 
even for them. І mean, they need op- 
position. We've natural adversaries, the 
money men and we. And we should be. 
rLAYBOY: But don't you both need each 
other? 


These executives count for 
a living. For them, its a matter of more, 
and for us it’s generally a mater of 
better. And more is usually more power- 
ful than better. They seek power 
through numbers, and we scek it through 


beauty. And you know, just by defini 
tion, it's nor 


going to be a fair fight 
Boing to lose. І don't say 
s real 
power in beauty— whether it’s Gandhi 
standing his ground, Rulfan r 
down the backsretch or Gene Kelly 
smiling—these things that remind us 
of the joy and sanctity and fragility of 
life have power in them. But there has 
to be a greater degree of ог 
among us than the system or our tem- 
peraments currently permit. Unless av 
ists distribute their own films, they will 
forever be in this position. We have a 
natural indination to have somebody 
else be daddy. We want to be the r 
bellious kids. And І understand that 
only too well. But somebody among us 
has to be willing to be a daddy for a time 
10 protect the rest of us. 1 mean, we all 
have to be one another's collective daddy 
and collectively distribute our films to 
cut the cost of making them and be re- 
sponsible for how they're made. Or else 
we will continue to be victimized, rightly 
and wrongly, by the system. These ex- 
ecutives tend to bet forever on the grocer 


“He rammed me intentionally, officer, because he 
disagrees with my bumper sticker!” 


and not on the farmer. And I personally 
consider that a very foolish bet. If I'm 
hungry, I'm going to want to know 
another farmer, me, before I'm going 
to want to know another grocer—David, 
lor example. Because the day I decide 
not to sell him my produce, then who- 
ever wants to eat had better come to 


me. It all comes down to distributing 
your own movie—and making your 


money on the product and not on the 
manufacturing of the product 
As far as talking about. David or any 
other moncy men is concerned, there's 
nother element involved, and that is 
that these guys have a natural edge be 
cause they're mad at you all the time. 
The minute they give you the money, 
they're mad at you. It's а Jack-and-the- 
Beanstalk sort of thing—they give you 
cow, you give them a hill of. beans. 
They give you $10,000,000 and you 
give them a few recls of film. They 
just can't get over the fact that they're 
. that they made this 
shitty deal with you. They know its the 
deal they made, but they still can't get 
over it because they're pretending that 
they're good businessmen. And you, on 
the other hand, simply know what the 
deal is. You want to play with your 
mud pies. But they're trying to pretend 
like it's a good business deal. It isn't. 
Movies are a shitty business. If you want 
to be a good businessman, you should 
work in real estate or at the Chase 
Manhattan Bank but not with movies. 
And no one knows a good 
deal until the picture's re 
sed, right? 
TOWNE: Just statistically 
God knows how many 
What kind of business is that? At some 
level, all these guys want is to fuck 
Raquel Welch, or what they take to be 
the glamorous equivalent, When they're 
saying, "Upsidedownsidcinsidcoutside, 
] it really comes down to is they're 
g to pretend its a decent. business. 
so they can go out and fuck Raquel 
Welch or whomever. Mavbe for some 
executive its Robert Redford. They 
want to rub up against that glamor, but 
they want to pretend it’s business. It's 
profoundly hypocritical position 
they're in. And І assure you that as much 
I'm not immune to wanting to fuck 
quel Welch or. if nor Raquel Welch 
glamorous equivalent of Raquel 
Welch, І guarantee you that when push 
comes to shove, if it comes to mixing 
that fucking reel the way I want it or 
fucking Raquel Welch cubed, Im going 
to want to mix that reel before anything 
in the world because I love that more 
than anything in the world. In any case 
my motives are les mixed than theirs 
nd less hypocritical. And that’s true of 
most people who care about what they're 


doing. 
У) 


businessmet 


ad 


one movie in 
makes money. 


PLAYBOY 


PERSONAL MARIEL 


(continued from page 109) 


*Never mind the Hemingway name; Mariel remains 
as ingenuous as a woman nearly six feet tall can be.” 


metropolis of Ketchum (population: 
2200) with her family (father, Jack: 
mother, Puck; sisters, Muffet and Mar- 
gaux), Mariel seems small-town from her 
love of the outdoors and the simple life 
to her high, girlish voice, which makes 
her sound much younger than her 20 
years. Never mind the Hemingway name 
(grandpa Ernest died before she was 
born), the Oscar nomination for Man- 
hatian or the pictures of her partying 
with sister Margaux at Studio Mariel 
remains as ingenuous as a woman nearly 
six feet tall can be. As a New York 
reporter once discovered, she's so sweet 
that she was even reluctant to speak ill of 
a fictional character in one of her movics. 

Of course, critics have pointed out 
that it’s just that quality that has made 
Mariel successful as a 
course, and luck. It was Mariel's older 
sister Margaux, a jet-set fashion model, 
who wanted the career in movies. When 
Margaux finally Janded the role that 
was supposed to make her a star, she 
used her influence to get Mariel a small, 


if appropriately cast, part as her younger 
sister. The film was Lipstick, a schlocky 
look at rape, and both the picture and 
Margaux got bad reviews. But most 
critics found a bright spot in Mariel, 
then 15. “1 couldn’ t over how good 
she was in that movie,” recalled Towne. 
‘And I thought it took a great deal of 
something to be good in that movie.” 

A TV movie called / Want to Keep 
My Baby followed, but it was her role 
as Tracy, the sexually precocious 17-year: 
old who falls in love with 42-year-old 
Woody Allen in Manhattan, tl 
ed the Mariel mystique. Besides her 
Oscar nomination, she created a sens 
tion at Cannes (first by getting sick dur- 
ing the screening of her movie, then by 
being one of the paparazzi's favorite sub- 
jects) and found herself sought after 
by all sorts of trendy types who'd never 
set loot in Idaho. It was a life she liked, 
but only ina limited way. 

“Most of my friends aren't in the film 
industry,” she explained. “1 don't go on 
dates that much—they make me very 


nervous. And I don't go to parties or 
anything like that. I'm not real social." 

While she'd bask in the limelight oc- 
casionally in New York or Los Angeles, 
she spent most of her time with her 
family (“My best friends,” she calls 
them), riding, hiking, camping and wait- 
ing—for a good script. 

The phone call from Robert Towne 
ended that. Mariel began her training 
while she was still at home—first by run- 
ning, then by pumping iron and learn- 
ing to master the high jump, long jump 
and shot.put. Towne lined up a coach in 
Los Angeles, who made her work four to 
five hours a day. “I did all the workouts 
the other athletes he coached did, only 
at а lower level, not so intense,” she 
said. “I wanted every muscle group to 
show, so it was a lot of hard work. But 
I did become bigger and more muscular.” 

The training continued not only dur- 
ing filming but during some lengthy 
breaks as well. Personal Best was shut 
down once by last year's actors’ strike 
and again. later, when a business feud 
erupted between Towne and the film's 
executive producer, David Geffen. "I just 
kept on training,” Mariel shrugged. “We 
all knew at some point it was going to 
be finished." Once the strike was settled 
and Geffen and Towne had signed new 
contracts, Mariel was back оп location 
working, although, she admitted, “it was 


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184 


hard to get my rhythm back." 

While Mariel was fine tuning her 
athletic ability, most of her costars were 
nervously learning how to act. Towne 
chose to cast real athletes rather than 
actors in nearly every role—induding 


riel's lover, who 


the pivotal part of 
was played by Patrice Donnelly. 
ber of the U. S. Olympic team in 1976. 
The supporting-cast_ list ds like a 
for a stellar track-and-ficld 
Jane Frederick, two-time Olym- 
pian pentathlete and current 0.5. hep- 
tathlon champion, and such American 
record holders as Deby LaPlante (100- 
meter hurdles), Jodi Anderson (long 
jump), Pam Spencer (high jump) and 
Maren Seidler (shot-put). 

It was my belief that rather than try 
to get athletic actors, I'd use real athletes, 
because athletes аге performers, too," 
They perform im 
front of crowds, they get psyched up to 
do things and they repeat, repeat, re- 
peat, the way an actor has to repe: 
Sixty percent of their performance as 
actors was already covered, because 60 
percent of the performance was athletics. 
You were placing them in a steam room, 
a workout room, om the track—things 
with which they were so familiar that 
they'd fall right into it and start being 
themselves despite themselves. They 
couldn't help giving real behavior.” 


a mem- 


explained Towne. 


really enjoyed working with the 
athletes,” said Mariel. "It turned out to 
be a swap, because they helped me get 
out there and make a fool of myself run- 
ning and jumping. It was great 

Having a group of nomactors forced 
Towne to take some rather unusual 
steps. For the scenes in which Mariel 
and Patrice spend an evening getting 
stoned, then arm wrestle and later end 
up in bed, Towne outfitted both ac- 
tresses with tiny earphones so that he 
could talk to them while filming was 
actually taking place. 

“I find that distracting actors under 
certain deeply embarrassing conditions 
actually improves concentration,” main- 
tained Towne. “It was a way of shutting 
out the world. 
t tended to bother me a bit.” con- 
fessed Mariel. "It was great for the arm- 
wrestling scene because it gives you the 
feeling of being away, which was good, 
since we were supposed to be high. But 
you were listening го something in your 
car and saying your lines. Overall, I 
didn't like it so much." 

But that was the only part of filming 
the lesbian love scenes that seems to have 


bothered Mariel. “It never seemed like a 
strange thing to me. It seemed like 


friendship," she said. "Patrice and I were 
good enough friends that we didn't feel 
weird about it or anything. It turned 
out OK." 


As soon as Personal Best wrapped, 
Mariel was back in Idaho and the great 
outdoors, immediately dropping her in- 
tensive training regim “I still ski and 
run," she said, "but I don't do any of 
the trackand-ficld workouts and І don't 
do as much weight training as I used 
to. I'm пог in an athlete's shape and I'm 
not as big as I was, but Im definitely 
keeping in shape.” 

This time, her stay with her family 
will be shorter. In a rather unusual—for 
her—move, Mariel set her sights on a 
new part and proceeded to fight for it 
rather than wait for opportunity to come 
knocking in Ketchum. Her goal: the 
lead role in Star 80, director Bob (All 
“hat Jazz) Бозе з impressionistic biog- 
raphy of the late Playmate of the Year 
Dorothy Suratten, which starts filming in 
May. It’s a part she wants very much, 

“When I heard Bob was doing it, I 
got in contact with him and kept badger- 
ing read me for the part of 
Dorothy. He finally did, after quite a 
whi 
easy. 

“It was unusual for me to really fight 
to get a part,” she smiled, still waiting 
for the official word. "But it was very 
exciting. And it was a good thing for me 


to have to do." 


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185 


Younever forget 
your first Girl. 


SUNSHINE BOY 


(continued from page 119) 
"Don't pinch-hit for Valenzuela, Tommy. 
Stay with him. I have spoke 

What chance did Joltin’ George Stein- 
brenner and the Bronx Yankees really 
have? 

It may be more practical to re 
the planet. The Lasorda І knew earlier 
was variously eager, uproarious, agitated 
combative and even somewhat somber 
but always charged with extravagant vi- 
tality. He appeared first in the carly 
Fifties, a smallish, left-handed pitcher 
who wanted to make the Dodgers as 
passionately as college kids wanted to 
make Marilyn Monroe. 

There was no fake cool to Lasorda, no 
affected nonchalance. He loved to pitch, 
and damn it, he wanted to pitch in the 
majors. He was a pitcher named desire; 
you had to root for him. He had drive 
and intelligence, but he lacked what his 
forebears called fortuna, imperatrix 
mundi—roughly, “good luck"—and an 
overpowering fast ball. He vanished into 
the minors with precious little trace, 
only a footnote to the boys of summer 

But he materialized again early in 
the Seventies, somewhat stouter, still 
boyish, still open, ultimate third 
base coach. He sparkled so at third 
that NBC once wired him into a nation- 
ally televised game 

Lasorda to Cincinnati star Pete Rose: 
Hey, Pete. Every year, the Dodgers vote 
for the handsomest guy on the other 
clubs. We just voted on the Reds. 

Rose: "How did I do?” 

Lasorda: “You finished second hand. 
somest. 

Rose: “Thanks.” 

The 24 other guys finished 


Lasorda 
tied for first.” 

But Tommy wasn't in baseball for 
coaching or for laughs. He had been 
denied his dream of starring for the 
Brooklyn Dodgers. Now he wanted to 
manage the Dodgers in L.A. 

It was late onc July night in 1976 and 
Lasorda was sipping soda water in a 
press room. "How тапу more years do 
you think Alston will want it?” he said 
of then-manager Walter Alston, a strong 
man devoid of color 

"He doesn’t tell me,” I said. "But 
what else is he going to do with his 
summers? Shoot pool in Darrtown, 
Ohio?" 

"Damn." Lasorda said. “He could 
keep the job forever. Even if he quits, 
1 got no guarantee that I replace him." 


"You can always manage some other 
team. Doesn't Seattle want you?” 
m not allowed to Anyway 
don't want to manage some other team." 
Wh I said. “Why does it have to 
be the Dodger: 
“Cut my veins,” 
bleed Dodger blue.” 
I thought he was kidding. The hand 


nd 1 


Lasorda said, 


“And remember—neatness, accuracy and originality count!” 


187 


PLAYBOY 


188 


holding the glass of soda shook with in- 
tensity. He was serious. 

In 1977, after 29 years in the Dodger 
organization, he finally got what base- 
ball people call the big club. That 
spring, his joy made a raucous song. 

“Hey, we got some team. Take Lee 
Lacy here. Lee's momma told him to 
make money, but Momma never told 
him to spend it. That's why Lee has the 
t dime he ever made. There's Steve 
Garvey. Mr. America. Mr. Clean. When 
Steve goes to an X-rated movie, he puts 
on sunglasses. I got a couple pinch hi 
ters, Manny Mota and Vic Davalillo, 
they gotta be 50 years old each. Do you 
know why?" 

Why?” 

collect antiques.” 

Unlike football, generally a grim and 
at sport, baseball allows for 
a wavering 
line that a man sses at some peril. If 
you are too funny—and on a good day, 
Lasorda can stand off Rickles—you pay 
a price. 

Casey Stengel was so great a comic 
that almost until his 60th year, few took 
him seriously as a baseball tactician. In 
Stengel’s triumphant years with the Yan- 
kees, he retained his wit, but the old 
man raged when anyone suggested that 
he was then, or ever had been, a clown. 
"You're fulla shit,” Stengel would cr 
a ranting fury that fed itself, "and ГЇЇ 
tell ya why. ...” 

Lasorda has suffered similarly, without 
souring. Listening to his routines—Steve 
Garvey says he has heard the old ones 
in three languages—you can forget or, 
worse, not notice the remarkable intel 
gence at Lasorda's core. His memory is 
cidetic, roughly phenomenal He can 
recite the names of every Dodgcr's wife 
and children and he can tell you how 
the weather was on August 8, 1966, when 
he was managing Ogden in the Pioneer 
League. He recalls games, individual 
performances, good pitches and bad with 
absolutely specific detail. This gives him 
a gray-celled memory bank that is the 
indispensable basis for tactical and stra- 
tcgic decisions. 

Although he cut short his education 
as a high school senior to pitch pro- 
fessionally, he is fluent in Spanish and 
Italian as well as English. He faults him- 
self for not having acquired French 
while playing for Montreal. He has 
taken self-taught courses in the game, the 
psychology of athletes, public speaking, 
media relations and, most recently, in 
the craft of selling tickets. Wherever 
Lasorda speaks—and he is gaining on 


William Jennings Bryan as the most 
available orator in U.S. history—he 
plugs the Dodgers. Ask for an autograph 


and this is what you get: 


YOU AND THE DODGERS ARE BOTH 
СКЕАТІН 
TOM LASORDA 


Funny? Not really; nor is it supposed 
to be. The four highest attendance fig- 
ures in the annals of baseball have been 
posted by the Los Angeles Dodgers. 
These cover Lasorda's first four years of 
managing. The record, slightly more 
than 8,300,000, is about 600,000 more 
admissions than any team but the 
Dodgers has ever drawn. 

The name of one of our national 
games is plug. Write a book in the 
woods and a year later you find yourself 
smiling at a ТУ hostess in Omaha, plug- 
ging. ("No. Lucinda. The sexual aspects 
of the novel аге not autobiographical. 
І made them пр.) Want to run for 
alderman, sell unisex underwear, market 
а straightline-tracking turntable? Plug, 
brother. Plug, sister. Plug. 

Lasorda, the Ph.D. in self-education, 
has grasped this so clearly that he has 
expanded, indeed redefined, the baseball 
m job. Now, as always, you have 
to win or come close. A dreary team 
always loses games and money. But you 
also want to sell tickets. The owner of. 
a prospering club tends to bc congenial. 

Belore Lasorda, basic and even ad- 
vanced managers worked hard from 
March to October, then took the winter. 
off, like water skiers in Maine. Not Tom. 
Allowing for "Thanksgiving and Christ- 
mas with his wife and two children, 
he manages the Dodgers and makes 
speeches about the Dodgers 363 days a 
year. His line about bleeding Dodger 
blue is so well-known in the Los Angeles 
sin that the offi ballclub bumper 
sticker no longer mentions the team by 
name. Instead, it reads simply: THINK 
BLU 

The components of victory, that pre- 
requisite to baseball salesmanship, are 
reasonably complex and generally mis- 
understood. A manager runs a game. He 
picks the starting pitcher and replaces 
him with a reliever. He mixes steals and 
bunts and pick-ofls into each night's 
order of battle and he had better 
the risk of being booed. (“A manager 
who worries about boos from the stands 
ends up sitting there himself,” Lasorda 
says.) 

In running a game, you constantly 
balance equations. In a given moment, 
the percentages say bunt. But this par- 
ticular hitter last bunted successfully for 
the Little League Aces back in Joplin. 
A man on the bench can bunt, but if 
you use him to pinch-hit, you hurt your 
defense. In short, you have to know not 
only percentages but also patterns and 
personnel. Ergo, the importance of a 
manager with a memory bank fora mind. 

The Yankees, with their rotating man- 
agers and hurricane front office, provided 
a classic example of mismanagement 
s they lost the world series. Batting 
third, a critical spot in the order, Dave 
Winfield began overswinging, simply 
swinging too hard. (He would get one 
hit in 92 turns at bat) As Winfield 


failed, Yankee management kept him 
at number three. In time, this gave the 
Dodger pitchers a breather before the 
harder job of facing Reggie Jackson. In 
time, too, Winfield disassembled and 
fell down making a throw. Clearly, he 
was in the grip of terror. This was the 
first world series he had known. 

Winfield should have been dropped 
from third to eighth, above the pitcher, 
possibly with some avuncular stroking of 
his ego. But to drop a superstar to 
eighth requires a manager more sure of 
himself and his status and more certain 
of his ballplayers than seems possible 
in the stormy climate of Yankee 
Stadium. 

All right. You know your percentages 
and your people and you're keeping 
your boss happy by selling tickets from 
а soapbox at Hollywood and Vinc. Now 
you have to create a clubhouse environ- 
ment. With their private jet, a magnifi- 
cent training base at Vero Beach, 
Florida, and large, supportive home 
aowds, the Dodgers offer the best of 
major-league worlds. Lasorda, who 
doesn't believe in understatement, con- 
stantly reminds the players of their ad- 
vantages and demands that they in tu 
LOVE THE DODGERS, even as he. 
Behind closed doors he practices mass 
hypnosis, and with a single exception, it 
has worked. The exception, right-hander 
Don Sutton, says, “I didn't love the 
Dodgers. I just worked for them." Sut- 


ton is now pitching for Houston. 

“Im not bragging,” Lasorda says 
"when I tell you I'm a helluva motivator 
day 


of ballplayers. І found out or 
when І was managing Spol 
were playing in Tucson 
hander, Bobby O'Brien, pitching for 
us. Bases loaded. Two out in the ninth. 
"Three and two. I went to the mound. 

“ "Bobby, imagine that after you throw 
this pitch, the heavens open and The 
Big Dodger in the Sky grabs you up. І 
want you to throw this pitch as though 
it’s the last pitch you'll ever throw on 
earth?” 

As Lasorda returned to the dugout, a 
line drive rocketed between his out- 
fielders. Spokane was beaten. “Bobby, 
Bobby,” he said, “What happened?” 

“Skipper,” O'Brien said, “you got me 
so scared of dying, І couldn't concen- 
ate on the pitch. 

A pause for emphasis. “Right then,” 
Lasorda says, "I knew I could motivate.” 

All these skills were commanded into 
the rous ball games last October. La- 
sorda went with a starting rotation of 
three pitchers, not four or five. He re 
lied heavily on a grumbling veteran 
catcher named Steve Yeager, over a 
more gifted 22-year-old named Mike 
Scioscia. Yeager responded with the best 
clutch play of his life. And when trouble 
came, Tommy the Motivator was ready. 

The Dodgers lost their first two play- 
off games in Houston, scoring one run 


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in 19 innings. Back in Los Angeles, La- 
sorda orated. "I believe you're a team of 
destiny," he said. "You've given me a 
lifetime of thrills in just one усаг. Re- 
member, it’s not always the strongest 
man who wins the fight, the fastest man 
who wins the race, the best team tha 
wins the game. It's the one that wants 
it most. І believe in you. І believe you 
want it. I hope each of you believes you 
do. Because if you believe as strongly 
asl... 

The clubhouse grew loud with shouts. 
of "Let's go get "em!" The Dodgers won 
three straight. 

In the next round, the team fell be- 
hind Montreal, 2-1. The Dodgers are 
sun-tanned Southern Californians. How 
could they come back the cold of 
Canada? Lasorda chose a lighter theme. 
how can we have trouble up here 
when we got a penguin [Ron Cey] pla 
d? Besides, weather's а factor 
у if it snows on our side of the field 
and not on theirs.” The Dodgers won 
two straight. 

At last, the Yankees. In 1977 and 1978, 
Yankee teams snatched the world scrics 
fron Lasorda's Dodgers. And the Dodg- 
ers went down whimpering. The New 
York fans were rude. The New York 
sportswriters were sarcastic. The Bronx 
itself was ominous. How you gonna win 
when you're up against all that and 
Reggie Jackson? 

Again, the Dodgers started in reverse 

and lost the first two games. There fol 
lowed a day of workouts in Dodger 
Stadium that ended on a note of meta- 
physics. When the drills were done and 
everyone was gonc, Tommy Villante of 
the commissioner's office asked Lasorda 
to sit with him in the empty stands, 
"I want you to imagine it's the th 
ning tomorrow and the Yankees are 
getting to Valenzuela in a close game. 
You're а fan, not the manager. What 
e you shouting?” 

Lasorda transformed himself from 
manager into fan. He stood in the de- 
serted ball park and bellowed toward. 
the barren dugout: "Lasorda! Hey, La- 
sorda! Leave him in. The kid's been 
great for you all year, Lasorda. Leave 
him in!" In that moment, passion trans- 
ported him into the future. 

The next day, in game three of the 
series, the Yankees were pounding Val- 
enzucla, who staggered into the ninth 
inning with a one-run lead. In the dug- 
out, Lasorda remembered that he had 
played this scene the night before. Don't 
fight the 
stayed with Valenzuela. The Dodgers 
did not lose another 

That story is weird, oddly chilling 
and true, “But suppose, Tom," I said, 
“the fan in the empty ball park had 
been wrong.” 

"Look, І had doubts. I can't show 
them. It would get the whole team 


arot cards. Mysticism lives. He 


ime. 


doubting. But I figured, This is the 
year of Fernando, and if we have to 
lose, I want to lose with him. The way 
he was struggling was a symbol of this 
ball club's struggle to survive.” 

Someday, an M.B.A. from Harvard 
will mate with a computer scientist from 
Stanford and their offspring will make 
a high-technology study of major-league 
managing. They will consider 1000 base- 
ball men and 100.000 games and 1 
things nobody yet knows. They will issue 
a 600-page report called “Elements of 
Managing, as Told to Fortran.” 

But nowhere will they touch the 
mystery of why a chubby 54-year-old 
manager who has never before won a 
world series elects to stay with a chubby 
20-year-old pitcher who has never betore 
seen a world series. There is, however, 
al term for that. The 


a nontechnolog 
word is magic. 
- 

Our ride from the pretend mobi 
home park to Burbank Airport is quin- 
tessential California. The car I've rented 
comes with a tachometer and an auto- 
matic transmission. The tachometer gives 


“Hey, baby 


you rpms, so you can shift or double 
Clutch smoothly, and the automatic trans 
mission means that you can't shift at all 

“We gotta make time,” Lasorda says. 
“Budweiser distributors are meeting at 
the Fairmont Hotel. Ed McMahon is 
flying up with us. Bob Hope's in San 
Francisco already. For this talk, I get 
a fee.” 

He sets off 
driving hard 


in his Plymouth Reliant 
8 and І push the rented 
turkey to keep up with him. My tachom- 
eter works fine, but the engine begins 
to whine as though in an advanced stage 
of labor. 

Burbank Airport, Lasorda tries the 
main entrance. No Learjet. Another 
entrance. There is nothing like a Lear. 
Frustrated, he drives faster and faster 
а wild, aimless rectangle, circumnavi- 
gating Burbank Airport three times. The 
rented car stops whining and begins to 
scream. Even the tachometer shudders. 

At length, a local Spanish-speaking 
grocer helps us out. McMahon and a 
gray-haired pilot аге waiting and they 
to the airplane, which looks 


lead u 
about the size of an economy tube of 


... You're lookin’ good!” 


189 


tooth paste. (But at least the pilot has 
gray hair.) 

The seats are deep, plush leather and 
the Learjet comes equipped with a 
small saloon and a refrigerator, Our 
take-off defines the word accelerate. Soon, 
adouts say we are flying at 
32,000 feet at 469 knots. In this tooth- 
paste tube (but the pilot has gray hair). 

I ask Lasorda when his dream to pitch 
for the Brooklyn Dodgers was finally 
killed. 

“You may remember the game. Walter 
Alston suspends Don Newcombe for re- 
fusing to throw batting practice. Who 
gets Newcombe's start? 

Not Ed McMahon." 
Right. It's me. I go against the 
s. I walk a guy. A pitch gets 


PLAYBOY 


din. 


9 
from Campanella. 1 walk another guy. 


Want the name? Bill Virdon. Another 
pitch gets away. I'm working on a hitter. 
This name is Musial. A third pitch gets 
away. The man on third comes roaring 
home. No way he's gonna score without 
cutting me in half. He hits me like a 
truck, Pretty rugged country ballplayer 
ned Wally Moon 

“I strike out Musial. І strike out Rip 
Repulski. I get outa the inning and they 
notice in the dugout my uniform is 
getting red around one knee. | gotta 
make this club. Getting hurt is a mark 
against you as bad as losing. They got 
a doctor near the dugout. Name? Her- 
bert Fette. He looks at the knee and 


you may never pitch again, You've been 
spiked so badly, every tendon and liga- 


ment is exposed 

“The hell with that. I gotta pitch. I 
gotta make the club. Next inning, І start 
toward the mound but two other ball- 
players who heard the doctor grab me 
by the throat and hold me back. By the 
throat! Thats how І get taken out. 
Want the date? May 5. 1955. 

‘Then the front office sends me back 
10 the minors. Before 1 leave, І go in to 
appeal to Buzzie Bavasi. the general man- 
ager. and he says. "Put yourself in my 
chair; who would you send out? I tell 
him there's another left-hander on this 
team and he can't throw a goddamn 
strike. Bavasi says, “Maybe, but the other 
lefthanders been paid a bonus to sign 
and the rule is that a bonus guy has to 
stick with the big club for two years or 
else you lose him." 

“Want the name of the bonus guy who 
couldn't thi Sandy Koufax. 


ow a strike: 


It hurt ten times worse the 
spiking. being shipped out. But I say 
now that it took the greatest left- 


hander in history to get me off the Dodg- 
er squad." Lasorda smiles with neither 
mirth nor self-pity and I remember the 
Langston Hughes poem that begins, 
"What happens to a dream deferred? 
Which of us in our most secret heart 
ever gets over the old dreams or our old 

190 loves? Nobody. Nobody who is honest. 


“Carson’s a little upset at Howard 
Cosell," McMahon says. 

“Why's that?" Lasorda says, in an in- 
stant change of mood and tone. 

They showed a close-up of Carson at 

the series,” McMahon says, “and Cosell 

remarked that he was aging gracefully.” 
. 

Hope does a full hour—songs, dances, 
even a Polish joke—lor the beer distrib- 
utors at the Fairmont Hotel. McMahon 
does a funny 15 minutes. Lasor talks 
motivation. "Everybody in the United 
States, including the President. has times 
when he needs to be motivated." Then 
he tells one of his special Dodger stories. 

When his life ends, Lasorda has often 
said, he wants this inscription on his 
tombstone: DODGER STADIUM WAS HIS AD- 
DRESS AND EVERY BALL PARK HIS ном 
After late Walter O'Malley, that 
most formidable of baseball barons, 
heard this. he arranged for a ceremonial 
press conference. He presented Lasorda 
with a replica of a tombstone complete 
with the inscription and a drop of 
imitation blood dyed—surprise'—Dodg- 
er blu 
m honored, Mr. O'Malley. to have 
served the Dodgers, and I want to go on 
serving them after I die." 
ow, Tommy, how can vou do that 

Hang a Dodger schedule on my stone 
Then, when people visit their loved ones 
n the cemetery, they'll say, "Lets go 
over to Lasorda's grave and see if the 
Dodgers are playing at home today.’ ” 

е 


the 


In Chicago. he introduces me to 
Rickles. 

"Kahn Rickles says. "That was 
Cohen, wasn't it? Cohen and you 


changed it, right 
Far as І know, it’s always been Kahn." 
"Hey," Rickles says. “Don’t be ashamed 
of what you are. Look at Lasorda her 
He still misses Mussolini 
Lasorda works skillfully as master of 
ceremonies at the Conrad Hilton Hotel, 
athletes, including Mario 
are being inducted into the 
Italian American Sports Hall of Fame. 
Rickles tells the dinner guests, in a God- 
father voice, that it is too late to 


where si: 


escape—Federal marshals have the build- 
says 


ing surrounded. Norm Crosby 
beauty is skin deep but ugl 
clear to the bone. Andy Gr 
troducing Andretti, speaks at 
When Lasorda recaptures the 
phone, he says, “I'm glad Andy fi 
because I'm due at spring taining in 
four months.” 

At a party later, Granatelli seems 
ruffled, and it's not just his tuxedo. 
"Come on, Andy,” Lasorda says. “Any- 
way, І got something to ask. How docs 
it feel to have millions and millions of 


Lasorda w 
managing 


ill gross perhaps S175.000 
nd speaking in 1982, which 


surpasses the poverty level but ap- 
proaches neither millions пог even 
the shimmering figures Valenzuela will 


make this year. Lasorda is curious about 
lth but does not lust for it. 

“Look,” he says as the party swirl 
around us, "when I was a scout i 
$5500, 1 was happy- Managing 
inors, $6000 up to maybe $9000, І was 
happy. Now I make good moncy and 
Tm happy, but 1 was happy then. I've 
lived in the same house, a tract house in 
Fullerton, for 21 years. I've got a great 
wife, Jo. and she isn't any morc mate- 
rialistic than I am. 

“Because we didn't necd a fancy 
house, we could buy what we wanted 
outright. When we wcre raising the 
kids—well, what's more important, mon- 
су or lov? Money wasn't the tough 
thing. The tough thing was having no 
guarantecs that Га ever move up in the 
Dodger organization. І once asked Pec 
Wee Reese where he'd have rated 
me, among the 25 Dodger ballplayers in 
1955, as a prospect to manage the big 
club. Pee Wee said 24, and that was 
only because one guy, Sandy Amoros, 
didn't speak English." 

The reward he values more than cash 
is recognition. After all those decades of 
obscurity, he loves the fat 


in—he is delighted that everyone who 
watched the world series knows at last 
what a wonderful manager he is, 
Someone introduces ше to a tall 
blonde named Helen, who says that she 


Tommy.” I say, “here we are at an 
Italian-American sports party, and guess 
where this delicious blonde was born.” 

“Where?” 

“Israel.” 

Lasorda beams. 
other,” he says. 


ou found each 
. 
Five Lasorda brothers su ed through 
the Depression to manhood in the blue- 
collar community of Norristown, Penn- 
зМуавіа. Four—Eddie, Harry, Morris 
and Joc— restaurant called March- 
wood Tavern in Exton, some 20 minutes 
from their birthplace. Place mats at 


OME OF THE LA. DODGERS. At 
54, Tom is the second oldest. 

All the brothers idolized their father. 
tino Lasorda emigrated Пот 
а hilly province 80 miles cast of 
Rome, and married Carmella, 15 years 
his junior, so that, he told the boys, 
“when I retire, she can go to wor 
Both Lasord nts are now dead. 

In the U.S.. Sabattino became S; 


m, 
and Sam Lasorda drove a truck out of 


a gravel pit five or six days а weck. He 
ved the concertina, sang. made up 
around the potbellied stove, 


А85 
YO 2 
VODKA 
ў 
б 


inbe rich feldi of Soadthein fun 
Was been pioduced ае 


inaceosdance with moetan 
брам ободие айт | 
ddod unde the na Hoe 


80 PROO 


BOTTLED IN SWEDEN 1 LITRE 133.8 FL OZ 


PLAYBOY 


192 


preached education and practiced disci- 
pline. Minor infractions were punished 
with a strap. Опсе, when Tom kept the 
family car out until 2:30 a.t, he was 
beaten with a wooden clothes hanger. 
All the boys talk reverently about 
their merry, stern old man. “After I was 
pitching professional," Tom says, "when- 
r 1 saw Dad, I gave him a kiss. I don't 
go for that stuff that it's weak for men 
to show affection. When cancer killed 
Dad. you know how glad I was for all 
the times Га let him know I loved him? 
Maybe the greatest day in my life came 
when he was gone and І went back to 
his home town, Tollo, in Abruzzi. They 
had a big sign in Italian that said, 
wr TO THE sox SABATTINO 
LASORDA. І cried." 
e other brothers remember Tommy 
s argumentative, funny and a fighter. 
“Не could fight good." says Harry 
who is 52, "and he'd take on 
anyone who hassled him, no matter how 
big. And he had one helluva curve ball. 
Harry drives me to the old neighbor- 
hood, past Holy Saviour School, which 
Tommy abandoned for Norristown High 
because Holy Saviour didn't have a ball 
team, He shows me fields and streets 
where the Lasorda boys scrapped and 
played in front of stone buildings with 
brick fronts. He takes me to the Santa 
Secouri M ocial Club, where Italian- 
Americans still gather and beer is 


ev 


COME or 


cents а glass. There іх a boccie court out- 
side. card tables within and a sign above 
the bar that warns, No PROFANITY. It is а 
long way from the world of Rickles and 
Hope 

We drive to 713 Walnut, in Norris- 
town, where the Lasordit boys grew up. 
The brick-fronted house is gone because 
families who lived there later let the 
building go so badly that it was con- 
demned. What was once 713 Walnut is 
now an empty lot. All that remains to 
mark an extraordinary immigrant truck 
driver named Sabattino orda is a 
gnarled sycamore he planted long ago. 

Out of Norristown, Tom pitched from 
1915 through 1960. He had some gr 
s but 


münorleague y never won 
game for the Brooklyn Dodgers. They 
sent him to Kansas City in 1956, and he 


never won a game there, either. His life- 
time major-league record is 0 and 4. 

He worked his way back into the 
Dodger organization and won 18 ga 
for their Montreal farm in 1958, a season 
when the L.A. Dodgers finished seventh. 
Two years later, when he was 33, they 
told him to stop pitching. The era of 
career minor leaguers was winding down 

He moved to California and put in 
five yc a Dodger scout. He managed 
Ogden, Utah, to three straight pennants 
and was promoted to Spokane. He won 
the pennant there in 1970 by 26 game: 
moved up to Albuquerque and won a 


INTERNAL 
REVENUE 
SERVICE 


“Uncle Sam does not try to 
‘screw’ people, as you put it, and you will pay 
dearly for saying that.” 


pennant there as well. Then came four 
з as а third-base coach. The real job, 
managing the big club, didn't come 
until he was 49. and it was a month 
after his 54th birthday before he won 
the series. He sure as hell put in his time. 

What makes Tommy run? Like so 
many other children of immigrants, he 
foursquare in fundamental values. He 
says his wife, Jo, and the Dodgers are his 
two great, enduring loves. He drinks a 
little wine and not much more. No seri- 
ous drinker could survive his schedule. 
He is no stranger to depression but has 
an enduring. ecumenical religious faith 
nd an optimistic, cheerful view of h 
manity. He is your basic upwardly mo- 
bile second-generation American. who 
knew сапу and profoundly that he did 
not want to spend his life driving trucks 
out of Pennsylvania gravel pits. 

He cares passionately for people and 
is generally sensitive and unpretentious. 
He answers any phone that rings in the 
Dodger offices, baseball with 
ing himself un 
less asked. When а poor Mexican family 
recognized him near the ball park, he 
signed autographs d discussed this 
season's prospects in Spanish for five 
minutes. 

He loves shooting baskets in Vero 
Beach and pitching in an annual game 
there that matches old-time ballplayers 
gtinst young. aggressive media men. 
4 Adios!" he bellows when he throws the 
curve. (You don't learn how to hit 
Lasorda's breaking ball at Colum 
Journalism.) At length, he is one of the 
world’s good fellows. Busy by choice 
Driven by a Depression boyhood. Naive 
and wise and boyish all at once. The 
headline that should have been written 
alter the 1981 world series would read: 


sorda says on one of 
our plane rides, “when I took over from 
Alston, they asked if I was worried about 
filling the shoes of a guy who'd managed 
the Dodgers for 23 years. І told them 
no, but І was worried about the guy 
who someday was gonna have to fill 
minc. You like that?" 

“Brash,” I say, "and pure Lasorda.” 

“Now,” Tom says, “I'm beginning to 
believe it.” 

We split in Chicago. He is going west 
to speak to Air Force generals and cadets 
and I am heading cast, toward Norris- 
town. As we say goodbye, he thanks me 
for traveling with him and touches 
few memories we share. I feel a surge of 
admiration: for his vibrant spirit, for h 
poise, his lack of Aubris, his baseball 
knowledge апа. certainly not least of all, 
his incredible salesmanship. 

Hell, І think, my old friend То 
Lasorda could sell the Democratic Party 
platform to Ronald Reagan. Provided 
that it was printed in Dodger blue. 


IT WASAGREAT GAME, BUT 
IT'SGOOD TO BEHOME. 


тою 
HEADACHE or воот ACRES а PUNS 
TALIS BPO PROS 


Right now you are wishing you didn't 
eat so many hot dogs and drink that last 
can of beer. But you're home now. з 

And right there, 
between the cotton balls 
апа the bandages, you 
find your Alka-Seltzer® 

As you listen to the 
familiar fizz of those 


relief-laden tablets, you smile through 
5 your discomfort. 
You know that for upset 
Stomach with headache, 
nothing works better, 
nothing is more soothing 
than Alka-Seltzer. 
No wonder it's 

America's Home Remedy. 


ALKA-SELTZER. AMERICA’S HOME REMEDY. 


Read and follow label directions. ©1981 Miles Laboratories, Inc. 


PLAYBOY 


194 


ONE FOR THE ROAD 


(continued from page 110) 


with it. xt question we'd ask 
the was even more re- 
vealing, We'd ask them: If you were 


the only one who knew that the world 
was about to end, would you tell any- 
one else? The mystics almost always 
said that they would tell, to give people 
me to prepare their souls; at the very 
least, they would tell those people they 
loved thé most. Some of the loophole 
seekers said that they would tell, give 
everyone a chance to find their own 
loopholes; some said that they wouldn't 
tell, that their own chances for survival 
would be better if they didn't have to 
contend with a world-wide panic; and 
some said that they'd just tell а small 
ircle of friends. Almost all of the 
1 that they would nof tell, 
s kinder if everyone else—and 
ly their loved ones—could en- 
y their last hours without knowing the 
shadow that was hanging over them— 
though at least one sensualist said that 
the only sensuous pleasure he would get 
out of the whole thing would be the 
fun of telling everyone else the bad 


ng with exaggerated care, he pol- 
ished off his drink and set it carefully 
back on the water ring it had made on 
the bartop. He turned to face me again, 
“Would you tell anyone, if you knew?” 

1 thought about “If I did, would 
there be anything anybody could do to 


stop it from happening?” 

“Nothing at all.” 

“Any way that anybody could escape 
from it: 

"Not unless they can figure out a w: 
to get clean off the planet in about five 
hours’ time.” 

“In that case,” I said, fingering my 
chin, “in that case, I don't think 1 would 
say anything." 
Good," the man 
either.” 

He got up off the stool and strode out 
of the place, leaving his $500 watch on 
the bar. 

‘The bartender drifted over to see if 
he could con me into a refill. “Who was 
weird 1 said. 

"Теса," the bartender said, “I thought 
you knew him. That was Dr. Norman 
Fine, from over at the institute. 

Then І remembered where Га seen 
that young-old face: It had been staring 
at me out of a recent Time cover, 
accompanying ide that hailed 
Norman Fine as one of the finest expe 
mental physicists in the world. 

It’s been about an hour now, and T 
keep looking at Dr. Fine’s watch, toy- 
ing with it, pushing it around on top 
of the bar with шу finger. It's a damned 
expensive watch, and | keep thinking 
Час soon he'll notice that ігу go 
that he'll certainly come back into the 
bar for it in a moment or two. 

But I'm starting to get worried. 


id. “Then 1 won't. 


е, 


“Don’t wrap it. Рт in a hurry." 


WHAT DO WOMEN WANT? 
(continued from page 112, 


slightly тапіс tone. “The fact is, Mar- 
garct, I've always found you incredibly 
attractive, incredibly sexual. І quite 
frankly didn’t think it was appropriate 
to even have such thoughts, much less to 
voice them, and I swear І never intend- 
ed to, but every time you've been in 
our house and we've been physically 
close to each other, it’s been all T could 
do to restrain myself from taking you 


in my arms. 
“I know,” she said quietly. 
“What?” he said. 


“I could tell how you felt about me; 
she said softly. "I'm afraid you were 
as discreet as you thought you were. 

He fought the impulse to bur: 


out 


aughing, deciding it would be a tactical 
error. 

You don't think that Cathy . . - ?” he 
began. 


"Oh, no. No, no, I don't think Cathy 
noticed," she said. "I don't think Cathy 
would even dream that you—or any man 
of hers, for that matter—would so much 
as look at me, but 1 could certainly tell 
that you were interested.” 

‘I see. And . . . how do you feel 
about that?” he asked cautiously. 

She shrugged. "You're not the first of 
Cathy's men who's wanted to sleep with 
me,” she said. 


aturally, I feel 
some ambivalence about it,” she said. 
hy is, after all, one of my three 
sest friends. І wouldn't do anything 
10 hurt her. And yet. . 

O35 

“Well, I knew whar you were going 
to say to me today. And I guess І was 
pretty ambivalent about it—that's why 
1 was so late. I left the office three times. 
І almost didn't come at all. I was going 
to telephone you at the restaurant and 
tell you I wasn't coming, that I didn't 
think right. Bur then I thought, 
wasn't what you wanted to 
bout, you know? I would 
е looked like an ass. Tell me, why 
did you finally call me now? After all 
these years of lusting for me in silence?” 

“Um, well, because of a couple of 


things, I guess. First of all, Гуе dis- 
covered that Cathy is . . . I've discov- 
ered tha hy is Бава 


fling hersel 
“What is this—evening the score? She's 
slecping around, so you're going to do 
it, too, to retaliate?” 
“No, no, no, nothi 
course not. No, no. It’s just Шап... 
“It wouldn't be so hard to understand. 
if that were it," she said. 
"It wouldn't?" he said. "Oh, well, I 
mean, І suppose there must be an 
clement of that in this, you know, but 


Нех a Dingo man down to 
his feet. And when he starts 
Walkin, people start talkin. 
Because he walks in the fast lane, 
“апа he’s all legs. There's a Dingo* 
boot to fit the way you dress, 
the way you live. So follow 
О.15 lead, and get instep. 
With Dingo. 


в 


Acme Boot Co., Inc., PO. Box 749. Clarksville. Tenn. 37040. A subsidiary of Northwest Industries. Inc. Or call toll-free 800-251-1382 (except in Tenn.) 


195 


PLAYBOY 


it’s certainly not the most important 
one." 
“H isn’ 
“No. Of course not." 
“Then what is?” 
“The most important one is how I 
feel about you. This incredible attraction 
that I feel for you. How do yox feel 
about me? 
She smiled ain. “I find youa... 
reasonably aturactive man,” she said. 
with laughter 


He snorted “Jesus 
Christ,” he said. “After all that, the most 


you can say is, 1 find you a reasonably 


attractive тап? 


lor came into her cheeks. “All 


size about a Jot of things. 
“C'mon,” he said. “You can do better 
than that. What are you fantasizing 
right now? Right this second?” 

Her face got redder. She started to say 
something so quietly that he could hardly 
hear her 

vm 


5 that?” he said. “І can't hear 
yor 


“I said," she said, "I am fantasizing 
that you are going to slide under the 


table right now as were talking, pull 


. KORA FREE RECIPE BOOKLET WRITE HIRAM WALKER CORDIALS, PO. BOX 2235, FARMINGTON HILLS, MICH. 18018 
© 198] PEPPERMINT SCHNAPPS, БО PROOF HIRAM WALKER & SONS. INC... SAN FRANCISCO, CALIF. 


down my panties, bury your face in my 
pussy and lick me till I scream." 

There was an immediate crash behind 
them. Lance looked around to sce the 
waiter retrieving a tray that had once 
held several drinks. Lance was aware that 
the people at the tables on all 
of him had stopped talking and were 
their 


sides 


pretending relentless interest in 
silverware and ashtrays. He felt his penis 
begin to get hard. 

“I'm sorry,” she said, flustered. "I 
guess І shouldn't have been quite that 
honest." 

"No, no," he said, "I really admire an 
honest answer.” 

The waiter was still picking up pieces 
ass and ice cubes, hoping that there 
would be more. 

"You haven't said how vou feel about 
what I just told you,” she said 

He checked the people at the adjacent 
tables and waited till his gaze forced 
them to their 
Then he turned back to the waite 
was mopping up liquid as slowly as 
possible. 

"How's about I just mail you а tran- 
script of our conversation?” Lance said 
pleasantly. The waiter got very пау 
and stood up. 

“I'm sure I have better things to do 
than to eavesdrop on your asinine sexual 
conversations," he 


of 


resume conversations. 


who 


aid and flounced 


Lance leaned across the table toward 
et. He was now aware of her per- 
fume. She had never before, to his knowl- 
ed; 


gc, used perfume 

"Can we go back to your apartment 
right now so І can do what you were 
fantasizing?" he said hoarsely 

Margaret looked away. Her breathing 
was beginning to be labored. She hadn't 
needed rouge after all 

“I don't know what I want to do,” she 
whispered. 

You don't?" He was incredulous, 

“I mean, І do know what І want to do. 
I just don't know if I can." 

“Because of Саі?" 

“Because of Cathy. I don't know if I 
can do this to her. 1 love Cath 

“You love Cathy? How about me? І 
don't love Cathy? 1 worship Cathy, for 
God's sake! һу" goddamn saint, 
that’s what she is. 

“You're telling me? Cathy was my 
roommate, Lance.” 

"Your roommate? She's my wife, for 
Christ's sake! Margaret, I think we 
should leave here. І think we should go 
back to your apartment.” 

“1 don't know if 1 can do that, Lance. 
I need time to think.” 

ЛІ walk there—you can think 


“IT need more time than that.” 

“How much more? 

“I don't know. A few days. Maybe a 
week or so.” 

"Can't you think any faster than that?” 


у 


Й 
А 


! f 
W 


SESS К 


ЙИТИ ГТ 
QUA f | ‘ 
ч ү M 
# УА N f 


t 


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SR 


= 


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7 


сай 


SSS SESTO, 


"Now, those pills you just took may produce some visual side effects." 


PLAYBOY 


198 


“Please, Lance. You have to let me get 
accustomed to the idea. It's going to take 
time. I'll let you know as soon as I've. 
thought it through." 

She got up. 

“Where are you going?" he said. 

I'm very conflicted. I have to Ісауе.” 

"But we haven't even ordered yet." 

“I couldn't eat anything now, anyway- 
I'm too upset. 

He got up and followed her to the 
door of the restaurant. Every head in 
the place charted their progress from 
table to door. 

“When shall I call you? Is tonight too 
soon?” he said. 

“Yes. Don't call for several days. Don't 
call me for a week.” 

А week? I can't wait a whole week.” 

"Please, Lance. Wait a week. Prom 
me you'll wait a week.” 

The waiter, suddenly fea that 
nce was attempting to leave without 
ng, raced up to the door, waving the 


ing 


‘Just a moment!" he yelled. 
moment there, fellow 

"A week, the! 
later." 

“Aren't you forgetting something: 
said the waiter unpleasantly, ге 
the door and barring Lance's passage 


Just а 


with his outstretched arm. Lance turned. 
to face him, incredulous. 
If you don’t drop your arm this in- 


stant,” said Lance, “I'm going to: stick 
my fingers up your nose and rip it off 
your 


- 

By the time Lance reached home, he 
had almost recovered from the drinks at 
Maxwell's Plum. He let himself into the 
apartment and went to the bathroom to 
change. 

“Honey, that you?" called Cathy from 
another room. 

Мо, ігу the cat burglar,” he said, 
swiftly removing his tie and jacket to 
avoid answering questions about where 
he'd been. Cathy came into the bath- 
room just as he slipping into a 
denim workshirt. She grabbed him from 
behind and kissed the back of his neck. 

You're pretty cute for a cat burglar 
she said. hugging him hard. "You want 
to fool around a little before my husband 
gets home 

Lance winced, was about to make a 
bitter retort but stopped in the nick of 
time. Cathy turned his face around and 
kissed him on the mouth. 

"Hey," she said. “Where've you been?” 

"Out shopping," he said. "I had to 
get a couple things from the hardware 
store.” 

"Then why is there vodka on your 
breath?” she said. 

Vodka? On my breath 
“What do you mean?" 


he said. 


"I mean, I smell vodka on 
breath," she said. 

He realized that Wolfschmidt had 
sold him out. 

"Vodka," he said inanely, "has no 
taste. You can't smell it on somebody's 
breath." 

"There might have been one or two 
acceptable replies to the question she'd 
posed. This had not been onc of them. 
The smile and the playfulness slowly 
dissolved. 

“Where have you been?” she s 

To the hardware store,” he 
told you. 
They serve vodka now at the hard- 
ware store?” 

"As a matter of fact, smartass, toda 
they did. It just so happens that to- 
day was the Midtown Hardware store's 
twenty-fith anniversary in business, and 
they were serving vodka and white w 
nd little canapés with red 
sour cream. I thought you'd be pissed at 
me for drinki day when І had 
work to do, but І may as well confess, 
since you've got the nose of a blood- 
hound. І admit it, Officer Lerner—I've. 
been drinking. 

He chuckled and tried to hug her, but 
she couldn't be jollied back into her 
playful mood. He knew he had made a 
big mistake. 

Soon hc 
times worse. 


your 


iL 
E E 


would make onc about 80 
- 

True to his word, Lance waited an 
entire week, till June 14, before seeking 
out another pay phone and calling Mar- 
garet. In the intervening seven days, his 
apathy toward Margaret had reversed 
self and hardened into a fine obsession. 
He replayed the fantasy she had de- 
saibed in the restaurant with endless 
variations. It w all he could think 
about. 

He made love to Cathy and imagined 
she was her plain-looking friend. He had 
endless visions of Margaret—of her pull- 
ing down her panties under the table 
the restaurant and his going down on 
her, of her slipping under the table to 
go down on him, and so on. The concept 
of making love to someone as beautiful 
as Cathy and having fantasies about 
someone as plain-looking as Margaret 
was ludicrous, though not, he suspected, 
at all unusual. Wasn't it George Burns 
who said that even if you were married. 
to Marilyn Monroe you would still be 
out trying to pick up pigs? 

By the seventh day following Lance's 
lunch with Margaret, he could stand it 
no morc. He went out into the strect 
and, after losing six dimes in the first two 
pay phones. finally reached her. 

"Have you decided?" he said. 

"Who is this?” said Margaret. 

“Oh, I'm sorry. It's Lance." 

Oh, Lance. 1 didn't recognize your 


voice. You're back in the Holland Тип- 
nel, I sce." 

Ha-ha. Look, you've had a weck now. 
at did you decide?” 

"Well I dont know yet. 1 need a 
little more time. 
"More time? How much morc timc?" 

Another week.” 

Another week! Т can't. wait another 
week. Why can't you decide now? When. 
can I sec you?" 
don't know, I don't know. OK, a 
weck from today. Next Thursday. 

“Thursday? The twenty-first? Thats 
my birthday. 

"So? How are you planning to cele- 
brate it?" she said. "Is Cathy taking you 
to dinner or what?" 

“I guess so. І don't know. It’s my 
fortieth birthday. But I guess І can meet 
you belore dinner for a drink. A drink 


М 


апа... whatever else you decide to do. 
ОК, then, Thursday it із. What 
Thursd 


“Five thirt 
He chuckled. 

At your place, ch? Then I won't ask 
what you're planning to give me for my 
birthday.” 


At my place 


. 

Thursday. June 21. The first day of 
summer. Lance's 40th birthday. Не 
studies his barely noticeable bald spot 
in two strategically placed mirrors i 
the bathroom and makes а mental note 
to consult a dermatologist about it— 
right alter he consults a nutr 
about a more healthful diet and a pro- 
gram of vitamins and right after he re- 
news his lapsed membership in the 


health club where he used to swim laps. 
On the morning of his 40th birth- 


day. he actually breaks down and re- 


minds Cathy 
has to remind her. He inquires wl 
she would like to do for dinner. She says 
s up to him, Up to him. On his 40th 
birthday. 

Не is now doubly justiied in fucking 
her best friend. It is only fitting that he 
will be doing it today. It is now 4:30. 
Fecling sorry for himself, he рош» 
two quickie drinks and downs them be- 
fore he leaves the house. He tells Cathy 
he is going to Bloomingdale's and Ham- 
macher Schlemmer to buy himself some 
birthday presents and will be back at 
eight o'clock to take her to dinne: 

He leaves the apartment апа walks 
slowly uptown to Margaret's. He stops at 
а bar and has another drink. He w 


to picture what he will be doing with 
Margaret only an hour from now. Не 


tries to picture Margaret naked. The no- 
nonsense Margaret without her 


clothes. 
Without her horn-rimmed glasses. With- 
out her dry accountant's manner. What 
will she feel like naked? What will she 
smell like? What will her dry account- 
ants body taste like when he begins to 
devour it with tongue and teeth? What 


noises will she make, 
throes of orgasm? 

He arrives at her apartment. He looks 
at his watch: 5:25. He is five minutes 
anyway. Heart 
bammering in his chest. Pulse pounding, 
in his pants. This will be his first wom- 
an other than Cathy in more than seven 
І it be heaven? Will he even 
be able to get it up? 

He rings the doorbell. She buzzes hin 
in. He takes the elevator up. He pauses 
briefly before her closed door. 15 this 
really what he wants to do? Fuck his 
wife's best friend on his 40th Ыг. 
It is. His wife has given him no chc 
He knocks. 

It takes at least three m 
to come to the door. 

“Who is it?” she says. 

“Who do you think?” he says. 

The door is unlocked. It swings in- 
ward. It 15 dark inside. She has dr: 
the blinds and drapes. He slips 
aparment, He reaches out for 
touches her shoulder. She pulls 
giggl 
on her breath—so she has had to sneak 
a couple of drinks for courage. too! 

“Come here,” he whisper 

1 she says, her voice re 


if any, in the 


carly. He goes on up, 


nutes for her 


her, 
way, 
He thinks he smells bourbon 


“Where are you going?” he says. 

“To get something. Make yourself 
comfortable.” 

A door at the other end of the room 
opens, then clicks shut. 

He sighs, sits down. He imagines her 
in her bedroom, pulling her dress over 
her head, stripping down to bra and 
panties or a flimsy negligec. The image 
is too much for him. He feels his penis 
begin to stiffen. The room is warm. He 
slips out of his jacket. Takes off his tie. 
He carefully removes his boots and socks 
and tiptoes across the living room to her 
bedroom door. He starts to knock, stops 
has a better idea, He slips out of hi 
shirt, slacks and undershorts. Stark 
naked, his now-hard-asa-rock penis pre- 
ceding him, he raps at her bedroom door. 
"Here І come, ready or not!” he calls. 


Come on in,” says Margaret in a 
strange, high, possibly ambivalent voice. 

He turns the knob and walks into 
the darkened bedroom. 


Blinding lighis. And 40 people yell: 

“Surprise!” 
б 

In a perfect world, it would never 
have happened. In a perfect world, 
Margaret would not have perversely 
neglected to warn him in case Lance 
might at the last moment decide to do 
something spontaneous like this. In 
a perfect world, he would have entered 
the bedroom before taking off all of 
his clothing. 

In a perfect world, he might have 
realized somewhat before the lights were 


switched on that what he had mistaken 
for the evidence of an affair between 
Cathy and Les had been merely the 
dandestine arrangements for a mam- 
moth surprise party. 

Now time has stopped dead, and he 
stands staring into the faces of his wife 
and his best friend. who are holding 
a long, rectangular mocha cake with 40 
lighted candles on it, flanked by Mar- 
garet and Cheryl and 36 other utterly 
alyzed people who are all desperately 
wishing to be somewhere else. 

There is total silence. No one so much 
y mouths 


as a 
open. afflicted with instant 
Eighty eves bulge forward. staring. 
his nakedness, at his rapidly dellati 


erection. Eighty lungs are holding in 
their already used-up oxygen pendi 


potential deliverance by means of the 
next words out of Lance's lips 

I can explain this,” he begins, wild- 
ly ransacking his mind for anything— 
anything at all in the memory core—that 
will get him out of this. “This isn't what 
it seems,” he babbles, but by now those 
in the room have already sensed. as fan: 
in the stands whose team is losing the 
championship game by a single point 
watch the basketball leave the hands 
of the team’s star center and hear the 
final gun go off and know even though 
it has not even reached the zenith of 
its trajectory through the air that the 
ball will never in a million billion 


trillion years go through that hoop 
but will bounce impotently off the rim 
and the game and the championship. if 
not their very lives, are lost, lost, lost. and. 
their prayers have once more gone un- 
answered by an indifferent god 

The next five minutes would be 
mong the worst ever experienced by 
ny person in the room who had not 
been in a major war. Il а passing ven- 
dor had suddenly appeared with a tray 
of cyanide pellets and single-cdge razor 
lades, he have sold out his 
entire stock in 20 seconds. 
As you may or may not be aware.” 
Lance continued, “Margaret's apartment 
happens to have a fairly heavy infesta- 
tion of cockroaches. The instant І en- 
tered the living room, a roach dropped 
off the ceiling and fell into the space 
between my shirt collar and the back 
of my neck. 
Both Cathy and Margaret had burst 
nto tears. Everybody else, heads averted 
and mumbling unintelligible phrases, 

pleading pressing engagements up- 

state and making for the doo! 
As I happen to have an almost patho- 


would 


logic 
continued, his tone now 
hysteria, “I immediately began pulling 


off articles of my clothing in a v 
tempt to. ...” 

It was hopeless. 
listening to him 


Nobody was cven 
nymore. 


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WAR ON DRUGS 


(continued from page 158) 
the upcoming 67th legislative session. 
Not surprisingly, the flagship bill was 
Clements’ own wire-tapping law. 

Meanwhile, fear was a wedge being 
driven between parent and child. Liter 
ature from Texans’ War on Drugs told 
them, “IE your child denies using mai 
juana but your suspicions tell you other- 
wise, then you face the next very difficult 
step. You simply must invade his privacy 
and carry out 2 thorough search of his 
living space and other areas, and do it 
more than once.” That p: ticular bit of 
advice was endorsed by the governor 
himself, as if to encourage legalized sur 
veillance at every level 

The power released by striking directly 
at the family bonds was indeed impres- 
sive: in a single day, Texans’ War 
Drugs acquired a legion of new recruits 
when Texas P.T.A. president Connie 
Miller turned over her 700,000 troops 
to Perot 

Perot’s committee engineered a 12-page 
tabloid supplement that appeared one 
October Sunday in 1980 in newspapers 
all across Texas. Stamped with the state 
seal and endorsed by а letter from 
Clements. it was an expensive and pro 
fessionally produced picce of work 
“How to Get Your Child off 
Aimed at mothers who were 
for their children and inno 
cent of scientific knowledge about 
drugs, the tabloid would have been 
funny had it not been so crucl in effect 
and cynical in conception, 

“It was а joke in the legislature,” 
Buck Wood recalls. “People carried 
copics of it around to show one another 
for a big І 

Bur while lawmakers were snickering 

hands, Perot invited their 
wives to Austin’s most fashionable hotel. 
the Driskill, where he wined and dined 
them and captured their imagination 
with titillating stories. This time, Perot 
himself was picking up the tab for the 
lobbying effort, supplying their favorite 
drug ol abuse, alcohol 

When the package of proposed Jaws 
Perot had paid Baylor 10 wr 
landed before the lawmakers in c: 
1981, shock ran through the capitol. 7 
laws blatantly unconstitutional 
and à number of legislators said so: they 
soon found themselves deluged with mail 
from parents who'd been told that they 
were in cahoots with dope pushers. The 
message was clear: To oppose the Tex 
ans War on Drugs would be political 
suicide. 

In an episode now referred to as The 
Bong Show, mothers stormed the legisla- 
ture. armed with satchels of drug para 
phernalia supplied by Perot’s committee. 
You a for our children, 
makers were told, or for the dope 
pushers. When the wreckage was cleared 


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from the capitol, some legislators didn't 
know what had hit them. Lynn Nabers. 
head of the House Criminal Juris- 
prudence Committee, says, “I've 1 
seen anything as organized, in depth and 
scope, and covering this much area . . - 
in this short a time.” 

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was like being on an airplane that 
crashed with no survivors.” 

The most immediate 
mothers of Texas, the very ground 
troops of the war—were left believing 
they'd done something to save their 
children, when actually the only meas- 
urable effect had been to expand police 
powers beyond acceptable bounds 

One day, not long alter the great 
siege of the legislature, John Duncan 
and I went up to the Texas state capitol 
building. There must have been ten 18- 
wheeler tractor trailers parked in front 
of the main entrance, with electrical 
cable snaking among them, black and 
thick as а man’s wrist. Duncan and I 
had been discussing one of the new drug 
laws, under which an attorney whose 
client is convicted of trafficking can be 
imprisoned for 99 years and fined 
$1,000,000 for accepting tainted money 
as a fee. It is a bizarre statute that forces 
a suspected drug pusher either to in- 
criminate himself or to be denied coun- 
sel, which violates the Fifth or the Sixth 
Amendment, depending upon which op 
оп the suspect chooses. As we passed 
among the towering trailers, 1 asked 
Duncan what all the trucks might mean, 
parked so audaciously at the front door 
of Justice. 

“It's The Best Little Whorchouse in 
Texas,” he said, “They're filming it 
here.” As we entered the great rotunda 
of the state capitol, which was laced 
across with a chaos of cable and hung 
with lights and reflectors, Duncan 
stopped in the center of the 12-foot 
seal inlaid in the floor, defaced now 
with silver gaffer's tape. He gestured 
in a great are around us. “This,” he 
announced, “is the best little whore- 
house in Texas." 


victims—the 


The story really began in the mid- 
dle Sixties, the period of the great 
purges in which the original leaders 
of the Revolution were wiped out 
once and for all. 


It was in the middle Sixties that 
middle-class Americans began openly 
using drugs on a large scale for the first 
time. It was also in the middle Sixties 
that the first earnest attempts got under 
way to create and use the fear of drugs 
to justify profound expansion of police 
power and social controls. 

The foundations for this fear had 
as early as the Twenties, when 
scous stories about a new drug 
diacetylmorphine, or heroin, 
were being bandied about in the popular 


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pres. (It was said, for example, that 
heroin addiction spread from one 
son to the next faster than anthrax 
that Western civilization was on 
point of collapse as a result.) But № 
Rockefeller began the first true war on 
drugs when he created panic about 
heroin addicts in his successful 1966 
campaign for re-clection as governor of 
New York. By skillful use of propaganda 
nd manipulation of the press, Rocke- 
feller was able to convince voters that 
ncarly all crime in New York was com- 
mitted by junkics. Armed with fictional 
statistics and unencumbered by facts, he 
achieved radical alterations im social 
controls (addicts could be detained for 
up to five years without trial under one 
new Rockefeller law). 

When Nixon came to power in 1968. 
he had two overriding priorities. One 
was to make good his 
to reduce crime in the United State: 
that he could be re-elected; the other 
was to ся h a Federal agency under 
ect White House control that could 


Well, Senator, you 


be used to spy upon and neutralize his 
enemies. (His Deputy Secretary of. De- 
fense, William Clements, would share 
his concern a decade later and borrow 
from Nixon's bag of tricks.) 

Nixon hadn't been President for long 


when his General, John 
Mitchell, po that the 
Federal Gi isdiction 


over robbery, rape, mugging 
der, except in the District of Colu 
itself. It was this problem—the inability 
to reduce crime—coupled with the de- 
sire for a national police force he could 
control that led on to a war on 
drugs Since the Federal Government 
vas empowered to combat drug traffic, 
would be a simple matter to blame all 
crime on drugs—as Rockefeller had— 
and then attack that problem to give 
the appearance of fighting crime. Fur- 
thermore, if sufficient fear could be gen- 
erated, the Administration could justily 
extraordinary expansions of police 
powers 

In his book dgency of Fear, Edward 


e just going to have to choose: 


the N.R.A. or me." 


Jay Epstein succinctly sums up the 
strategy that guided the first nationwide 
war on drugs—the model used later by 
Clements and Perot and now by Presi- 
dent Reagan: 


If Americans could be persuaded 
that their lives and the lives of their 
children were being threatened by a 
rampant epidemic of narcotics ad- 
diction, Nixon's advisors presumed 
they would not object to . . . no- 
knock warrants, pretrial detention, 
e taps and unorthodox strike 
forces. . . . To achieve this state of 
fear required transforming a rela- 
tively small heroin-addiction prob- 
lem . . . into a plague that 
threatened all. This in turn re- 
quired the artful use of the media 
to propagate a simple but terrifyi 
set of stereotypes about drug 
addiction... . 


w 


"The cynicism of Nixon's war on drugs 

was scarcely believable. In a puzzling 
elfort to address a problem it had taken 
such care to inflate, the Administration 
resorted to distributing an equally ad- 
dictive form of synthetic heroin, called 
methadone. By 1973, the United States 
was subsidizing the distribution of 
7,500,000 doses a year of this drug. In 
1974, death by methadone overdose far 
surpassed death by heroin overdose as 
the new drug menace. 
e public. however, was kept largely 
innocent of these machinations, and by 
1973, Nixon had consolidated his na- 
tional police force under the name Drug 
Enforcement Administration (DEA), 
which incorporated scores of warriors 
from other bureaucracies. He was very 
close to achieving what amounted. in 
Epstein's words, t0 “an American coup 
d'état." The reason he failed was the 
Watergate scandal, during which all the 
bureaucrats Nixon had estranged in his 
wild scramble for power turned on him 
In the purges that followed, the war on 
drugs was set back about five years and 
the DEA was forced to maintain а very 
low profile to give public temper a 
chance to cool 

After Nixon resigned, there followed 
a gradual acceptance of marijuana іп 
America—to the point where it became 
a nonissue. There were 26.000.000 people 
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cared. By 1978, in fact, ten states had de- 
criminalized possession of small amounts 
of grass. But that summer, two events 
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оп drugs—to allow the troops that 
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1978, when The Washington Post car- 
ried this headline: "CARTER AIDE SIG: 
FAKE QUAALUDE PRESCRIPTION.” The 
was Peter Bourne, the White House 
drug advisor. The very next day, Jack 


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Anderson reported that Bourne had sam- 
pled cocaine at a party. (Bourne denied 
the allegation.) Although Carter had 
previously informed Congress that he 
favored decriminalizing marijuana, the 
Bourne aflair tied his hands concerning 
drug policy until re-election (which, of 
course, was never forthcoming). 

The second event was The Symposium 
on Marijuana, funded by NIDA and 
organized by Gabriel Nahas (sce box, 
page 136), a well-known antimarijuana 
crusader. Held in Reims, France, in July 
1978, the conference did for marijuana 
what Rockefeller and Nixon had done 
for heroin. Only the name of the men- 


ace had changed. 

Although little in the way of support- 
able evidence was presented in Reims, 
this fact never came across in the tidal 
wave of publicity that followed. One 
week after the symposium, The Wash- 
ington Post published a lengthy article 
by Peggy Mann describing the proceed- 
ings. Despite her complete lack of scien- 
tific qualifications, Mann billed as new 
and the Reims symposium 
findings. Among them were claims that 
marijuana caused brain damage, birth 
defects and cancer—daims that have 
since become standard in the new war 
on drugs. 


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Shortly after Reims, Nixon's old DEA 
administrator, Peter Bensinger, rose to 
the surface like a body that had been 
improperly weighted. He spoke of the 


"real perils of marijuana smoking. 
DEA's publicrelations arm also swung 
into action to distribute the “evidence” 
and newspapers happily published it. 
"The bad news about pot appeared in 
McCall's, Mademoiselle, Harper's Ba- 
zaar, Time, Newsweek, Seventeen, Na- 
tional Enquirer, The Reader's Digest and 
on television. The refutations appeared 
in scientific journals the public never 
saw. 

Flying the kids-on-dope banner, the 
war on drugs had become a juggernaut 
by the end of 1978: It drew blind devo- 
tion and crushed people beneath it. 
With President Carters hands tied, 
there was no effective opposition. "The 
press now had to go to the man who 
replaced Bourne at the White House, 
Lee Dogoloff, for any information about 
Carter's drug policy. Since there was no 
drug policy left, Dogoloff talked a lot 
about a group of parents in DeKalb, 
Georgia, who were so upset about two 
drug-related murders and the existence 
of paraphernalia shops in their com- 
munity that they banded together to do 
something about it. So the press wrote 
about the parents in Georgia, and pretty 
soon there wi 


e other groups of parents 
following their lead 

Where no parents’ groups existed, 
NIDA provided how-to assistance and 
served a vital function as a "networking" 
center for all the litle organizations. If 
the individual community groups were 
the rays of hope in the midnight horror 
of kids on dope, then NIDA was going 
to be the dark projector at the center 
of the planetarium giving their light 
focus and meaning. And NIDA had the 
wherewithal to make this happen: Be- 
tween 1979 and 1980, the budget of its 
Prevention Branch (which creates, co- 
ordinates and supports parents’ groups) 
rocketed from $6,000,000 to $13,000,000. 

This period of time coincided with the 
Texans’ War on Drugs. which based the 
local hysteria it created on the same “sci- 
entific information” presented in Reims. 
The Texans’ War on Drugs, then, in 
very real sense, formed a bridge betwe 
Nixon's war on drugs and the new na- 
tional campaign. Nixon's first attempt to 
set up his own White House police 
agency was funded by the same agency 
(Law Enforcement Administration Agen- 
cy) that provided the $584,000 grant 
Perot The 
allowed Perot to have this money was 
Nixon's Deputy Secretary of Defense, 
William Clements. Nixon's number-two 
ınan in the FBI, Jim Adams, was brought 
to Texas by Clements to head the De- 
partment of Public Safety—the very 
agency designated to receive the newly 
created wiretapping authority. The rea 
difference between the Texans’ War on 


n 


used in Texas. man who 


"How do you know you don't like lime-and-pecan 
yogurt if you've never tried it?” 


PLAYBOY 


208 


Drugs and Nixon's on drugs is that 
there has not yet been а Watergate to 
bring Clements and Perot down. Nor 
any to stop Reagan from succeeding 
where Nixon failed. 

Having crossed the bridge between the 
two drug wars, the present Administra- 
tion has learned from xon's failure. 
In addition to being more sophisticated. 
than earlier efforts, this new crusade is 
cd on broad public support generat 
ed by masterful use of propaganda. This 
support is vital, for it guarantees that 
abuses of power will be tolerated. Nixon, 
though ultimately stopped by Watergate, 
һо failed to create the requisite level 
of hysteria—he generated fear, but not 
nough and not close enough to home. 
"Ehe threat of heroin was too remote for 
most voting parents. who could readily 
see that their children didn't have needle 
marks running up and down their arms. 
Without mass-scale fear, there was no 
mass support, so the deadly antics of 

xon's DEA caused nothing but publi 
outrage. By contrast, the antimarijuana 
campaign now under way has succeeded 
n convincing parents that their children 
re on dope. And parents concerned for 
the welfare of their children will do 
anything they believe might help. 

Unfortunately, most people aren't 
re that when they suspend the con- 
stitutional rights of suspected crim 


they suspend their own constitutional 
rights as well. 
. 


To know and not to know, to be 
conscious of complete truthfulness 
while telling carefully constructed 
lies . . . that was the ultimate sub- 
tlety: consciously 10 induce uncon- 
sciousness, and then, once again, to 
become unconscious of the act of 
hypnosis you had just performed. 


This year, the Congress of the United 
States is beginning to resemble in a pe- 
culiar and discomlorting way the Texas 
legislature of last year. While in 1980-81 
there were moms and experts crawling 
all over Texas lawmakers screaming 
brain damage and birth defects. some- 
thing of uncanny similarity seems to be 
happening now at the Federal level. In 
both the Senate and the House, there 
are already scores of bills that threaten 
to disembowel the Constitution in the 
name of saving the nation’s children 
from marijuana. As in Texas, the moms 
are the ground troops. Their titular 
leader in the national war is the Presi- 
dent's wife, Nancy Reagan. 

Much of the legislation currently un- 
der consideration in Washington was 
inspired by the recommendations con- 
ned in а report issued gust by 
the Attorney Generals Task Force оп 


“I moved to L.A. because they don't have any 
singles bars in Antarctica!" 


Violent Crime. Following the timehon- 
ored gambit of declaring a drug epidem- 
ic and then blaming violent crime on it, 
the report attacked the inhibiting effects 
upon law enforcement of the Fourth, 
Filth, Sixth, Eighth and 14th Amend- 
ments to the Constitution, as well as the 
exclusionary rule, the Tax Reform Act, 
the writ of habeas corpus, the Freedom 
of Information Act and the Posse Comi- 
talus Act—all of which the task force 
proposed to alter in the name of full- 
scale war on drugs. 

Out of 64 recommendations concern- 
ing “violent crime" in the report, 32 i 


32 in- 
volved references to drugs or narcotics. 
One of them called for using the military 
to enforce domestic law. This would vio- 
late the Posse Comilatus Act of 1878, 
which was designed to prevent abuses of 
military power and even the mere ap- 
pearance of a police state. T.C.L.U.'s 
John Duncan explains it this way: “That 
st every precept of civil liber- 
ve. We have never given the 
ny police authority other than 


runs ар; 
ies we 1 
milita 


in an emergency in a very restricted geo- 


phic Because by putting the 
military in charge, you suspend the Bill 
of Rights and all its protections 

The sk force called for other 
radical alterations in the basic protec- 
tions [rom Government enjoyed by Amer- 
icans. In doing so. it made generous use 
s-on-dope call to arms. That, 
se, is the genius of the war on 
: the extent to which its unsupport- 
ted discourse has managed to 
deflect public attention from the real 
eliect of the campaign—to undermine 
civil liberties. The kids-on-dope idea is 
brilliant precisely because it makes it im- 
possible for anyone opposing the crusade 
to sound reasonable; at the same time, 
it confounds to the maximum degree 
any attempts to think clearly on the 
matter of drugs and appropriate social 
controls. The loaded language of the 
taskforce report makes it impossible 
to keep your суе on the ball. Kids on 
dope is not the issue. The childr 
being used as a weapon. 
nd in Nixon's war on 
drugs, once the hysteria is created, a 
gr deal can be accomplished that 
would be impossible if onc had to deal 
with people who hadn't been relieved of 
their ability 10 reason. Under the guise 
of combating drugs and crime. for 
mple, Nixon used the staggering power 
of the IRS “networth audit” asa weapon 
against his political enemies. The net- 
worth audit, simply put, makes it possi- 
ble for the IRS to seize everything you 
own, even if you've committed no crime. 
The Attorney General's 7 Force now 
recommends doing h the Tax 
Reform Act, which was passed in re- 
sponse to Nixon's abuses of the IRS. 

The task force also recommends 
doing away with the exclusionary rul 


are 


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210 


BILL OF RIGHTS continued nh 


vociferous proponent of scare litera- 
ture. frequently predicting—with no 
scientific basis—that when the real 
hazards of marijuana smoking are 
discovered, “we will see horrendous 
results.” А.С.М. also publishes the 
work of Gabriel Nahas. Harold 
Voth is on A.C.M.'s scientificadvisory 
board. 

CARLTON TURNER ran NIDA's 
pot farm at the University of 
Mississippi from 1971 until the time 
he became Ronald Reagan's chief 
drug advisor. Turner is the author 
ot three olten-repeated marijuana- 
scare statements: THC lingers in the 
brain cells; there are more than 400 
chemicals in marijuana; and mari- 
juana today is seven to ten times as 
potent as it was a decade ago. He is 
on the scientificadvisory board of 
A.C.M. and is a frequent contributor 
10 the antimarijuana literature. He 
also writes for Drug Enforcement, the 
Justice Departments magazine. 

LEE DOGOLOFF, а high ranking 
official at A.C.M., was the successor to 
Peter Bourne, President Carter's chief 
drug advisor. Dogoloff has no scientif- 
ic background and has been on the 
NIDA and White House payrolls in 
оц» capacities 


over the years. A 
telling moment in Dogoloffs career 


in the drugabuse industry came in 
1978, when a report by HEW's in- 
spector general identified him аз 
having helped a small circle of friends 
to benefit financially from "cronyism" 
and “loose management practices” at 
NIDA, The report, which disclosed 
millions of dollars’ worth of undocu- 
mented salaries, illegal bonuses and 
questionable fringe henefits to rela- 
tives and associates of NIDA officials, 


prompted Robert DuPont's resigna- 
tion as head of the drug agency. 
ROBERT HEATH is perhaps the 
only ti 
dr 


ıe superstar of the war-on- 
experts. A NIDA-funded. re- 
her from Tulane University, he 
ved notoriety in 1954, when 
jounced that he had discovered 
the cause of schizophrenia—a chem- 
ical called taraxein. When this 
proved to be an untenable posi! 
Heath and a psychiatrist named 
Russel Monroe turned to the mental 
tients at Charity Hospital in Loui- 
siana—a captive audience, so to 
speak—for their experiments. One 
27-year-old woman, whose husband 
had had her committed to Charity for 
“spells,” was given electroshock ther- 
apy, sodium amobarbital, subcoma 
insulin therapy and other treatments, 
including implantation of electrodes 
in her brain. Monroe commented: 


id 


"She put on her clothes without. 
and then attempted to escape from 
the hospital. Apprehended . . . she 
expressed intense anger, resentment 
and negativism. . . . Restraint was 
necessary." The doctors subsequently 
treated her with LSD and mescaline, 
which she liked по better. Heath 
became an advocate of psychosurgery. 
Continuing his deep-brain-probe 
techniques, Heath implanted a group 
of monkeys with various devices and 
force-fed them marijuana smoke in 
enormous doses. According to Hos- 
pital Physician magazine, he 
tered doses “equivalent to 63 
cigarettes per day for humans 
the use of a machine that would 
pleased Torquemada, the monkeys 
һе entire dose 
of smoke in a five-minute period. 
Speaking of Heath's work, Dr. 
Thomas Ungerleider of the UCLA 
Neuropsychiatric Institute says, "lt is 
not very highly thought of. . . . Julius 
xelrod, the Nobel Prize winner 
criticized him publicly. which is al- 
most unheard of in the scientific 
community. He criticized Heath for 
using those kinds of dosages and ex- 
trapolating from monkeys into h 
beings. What Heath did 
strap monkeys down, and every time 
the monkey wanted air, he got mar 
juana. It was just а barbaric proce- 
потез 2 And some of his monkeys 
ven the control monkeys died, 


were forced to take “ 


Heath is giv 
ments su 


h as "People might drink 
rather heavily for 25 to 30 уе: d 
never get into serious trouble as fa 
as alterations in the brain are con- 
cerned. But with marijuana, it seems 
as though you have to use it only for 
a relatively short time in moderate to 
heavy use before persistent behavior 
effects, along with other evidence of 
brain damage, begin to develop. 
Says Dr. Ungerleider: “I believe 
Dr. Heath tesufied before the legisla- 
ture that. [marij smokers] should 
go to jail. And this research may in- 
dicate maybe monkeys should go to 
Idon't know. 
I would like to emphasize the 
position taken by the California 
Medical Association that the major 
harm from marijuana is the harm 
of going to jail... When they. . . 
ranked the drugs of abuse, [the asso- 
ciation put] marijuana . . . at the 
bottom both physiologically ава psy- 
chologically. [They] ascribed the 
great hazard of marijuana use in 
terms of jail. If you are caught, [m 
juana] can be hazardous to your 
health. —!. 6. 


the only protection U.S. ci е 
ainst violations of the Fourth Amend- 
ment. Perhaps the single most im- 
portant constitutio! guarantee, the 
Fourth Amendment ensures the right 
of privacy and forbids unreasonable 
searches and seizures. This means that 
the police can't simply bust into your 
house and ransack the place—as Nixon's 
private police did on several infamous 
occasions. The exclusionary rule pre- 
vents evidence obtained during an illegal 
search from being used in court. Sey- 
mour Wishman, author of Confesstons 
of a Griminal Lawyer, says the Supreme 
Court “knew that there was no other 
way to prevent police from becoming 
bands of marauding hoodlums. 

Now the task force has asked that 
the exclusionary rule be modified to let 
evidence stand in court as long as the 
officers act "in good faith,” even when 
they “unwittingly blunder” in deciding 
what constitutes probable cause. An сх 

mple of how the pol Шу г 
such delicate judgments is illuminat- 
ing. When called upon to explain in 
court his probable cause for mi 
search and seizure at а Florid 
DEA agent Paul J. Markonni said, "We 
do see some real—I hesitate to use the 
word—slime balls, you know, some real 
dirt bags. that obviously could not af- 
ford, unless they were doing someth 
10 fly first class. 

The Slime Ball/Dirt Bag Test, as it 
has come to be called by defense attor- 
neys, is only one of many factors that 

nay arouse suspicion in the minds of 
police. One woman, for example, was 
rrested because she appeared “extreme- 
earched 
and their property seized for appeari 
nervous, for using a pay phone immedi 
tely after deplaning, or for taking pub- 
lic transportation away from an airpor 
The Attorney General's Task For 
arguing that cases such as these should 
not be thrown out, as long as any а 
terion such as the Slime Ball/Dirt Bag 
Test is administered in good faith. As 
with many of the task-force recommen- 
dations, this would have no effect on 
crime—lewer than two percent of crim- 
inal cases lose evidence due to the exclu- 
sionary rule; even fewer are thrown out 
of court altogether. 

In a broader political contest, it’s not 
surprising that such recommendations 
were made by Ronald Reagan's Justice 
Department. The President signaled his 
position оп constitutional rights last 
April when he pardoned FBI agents wh 
had violated Fourth Amendment rights 
of Weather Underground member: 
More recently, he has given the CIA 
illegal and unprecedented domestic pow- 
ers. Reagan apparently sh Governor 
Clements’ publicly stated view th 
als have no constitutional rights. 
Dismantling the Tax Reform Act and 
the Fourth Amendment are merely two. 


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212 


amples in a sweeping attack on civil 
libertics by the Reagan Administration 
And a frightened American public, 
spurred on by the ghoulish cidolon of 
kids on dope and unable to foresee the 
consequences, is bringing pressure to 
bear on lawmakers in Washington to do 
something. 


They could be made to accept the 
most flagrant violations of reality, 
because they never fully grasped the 
enormity of what was demanded of 
them, .. . They simply swallowed 
everything, and what they swallowed 
did them no harm, because it left 
no residue behind, just as a grain of 
corn will pass undigested through 
the body of a bird. 


A short Senate-subway ride from the 
Capitol, in the Dirksen Senate Office 
Building, Senator Gordon Humphrey 
was holding a hearing last fall on the 
health effects of marijuana on kids. As 
chairman of a subcommittee on alcohol- 
n and drug abuse, Humphrey had a 
bill before the Senate that would give 
$15,000,000, through NIDA, to antimari- 
juana parents’ groups and other drug- 
abuse progr: 


ns. 


The Senator sat behind a vast, semi- 
circular wooden bench, presiding over 
the hearing. As in the Texas state capi- 
tol, thick black cable snaked this way 
and that and banks of searing television 
lights set the room ablaze. Above, d 
matic as a firmament of snow, the ceil- 
ing was decorated with basrelief signs 
of the zodiac, each one struck as sharp as. 
the image on a newly minted coin. Ве- 
fore the bench, sitting at long wooden 
tables, were those offering testimony. 
‘The rest of the great room was crowded. 
with spectators in rows of chairs and 
there was an unni y about. 
the ranks of women sitting mannequin 
straight, watching with that eager, al- 
most lly whetted veal. They might 
have been viewing pornography in order 
to outlaw і 

A woman named Carol Grace Smith 
was testifying that marijuana causes fetal 
deaths, stillbirths, interference with pla- 
cental functioning, permanent infertility. 
She spoke quickly, almost breathless- 
ly, but in bursts of adrenaline it became 
clear that, although little scientific evi- 
dence existed to support her predictions, 
something dire was about to happen. As 
she spoke of these grisly matters, а trem- 
ulous ebb and flow of energy could be 


“I'm not asking for much. Just a guy to 
put an end to my fake orgasms.” 


felt among the neatly sculpted women 
in the audience, and I suddenly realized 
why they seemed so familiar. They 
could have been clones of the Texas 
mothers І had seen in Judge Biery's San 
Antonio courtroom. Only this wasn't 
some obscure and backward outpost of 
frontier justice, it was the United States 
Senate: and the people listening and 
believing weren't pachucos with crosses 
tattooed between their eyes, either. They 
were doctors, lawyers, Senators. 

The program had begun with NIDA 
director V m Pollin and two of his 
deputies. (NIDA, remember, would ad- 
ter Senator Humphrey's $15,000,000 
in grant money.) The single organization 
with the power to come shricking to the 
rescue of the beguiled Senator was doing 
worse than nothing—it was promoting 
the deception. In fact, the program was 
so loaded with NIDA speakers that no 
other point of view was presented. 

There came then before the Senator a 
pediatrician named Donald MacDonald, 
who described the hordes of children he'd 
seen with vague symptoms that every 
doctor should learn to recognize as those 
of marijuana poisoning: dress habits 
change, grades slip, disaster follows. 
Déjà vu: The Sunday supplement of the 
Texans’ War on Drugs had warned 
parents to watch for just such symptoms 
toxicity. Now MacDonald 

ig Humphrey that the leading 
cause of death among high school stu 
dents was suicide. "A lot of our 
he s; “are not going to make it.” 

No one leaped to his feet to scream in 
outrage. A ra bbon of lightning 
didn't uncoil from the zodiac ceiling to 
strike these people down for their mis- 
deeds. No one even cleared his throat 
and suggested that all this nonsense was 
still no reason to dismantle the Bill of 
hts. Senator Humphrey merely 
pursed his lips and nodded gravely. A 
little surge of concupiscent energy twist- 
ed through the audience. And some- 
where between the difflike Senate 
podium and the agitated face of Mac- 
Donald there hovered an almost pal- 
pable incipience equal to $15,000,000. 

The moment came and went without 
finding repose in the tangible, but it was 
distinctly there and as poignant as any 
explanation of why the war on drugs 
existed at all. Here we had employees of 
NIDA (whose very lifeblood is grant 
money) testifying to а Senator who was 
sponsoring a bill to give NIDA more 
money. We had parents groups whose 
hysteria was sustained by NIDA grants 
and whose very existence depended upon 
such money. And together all th 


mise 


абара iere a 
fevered pitch, consuming money ami 
producing nothing but more fear. 

An individual doctor or parent might 
be excused on grounds of ignorance 


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PLAYBOY 


214 


one Dr. Ingrid Lantner might be, who 


ne before the Senator and said that 


kids who smoke marijuana forget their 
birthdays, so befuddled do they become). 
but NIDA has had a history that is too 
cynical to overlook. When the Federal 
drug bureaucracy was in the antiheroin 


business, it wa 


s supporting scientists who 
were quite casually recommending that 
ana be decriminalized. At the 
it was of no survival value to have 
a "marijuana problem." Now, however, 
those who have followed NIDA's prog- 
ress perceive in the increasingly alarmist 
propaganda pouring forth from its offices 


mar 
time. 


a familiar bureaucratic syndrome. At a 


time when its funding т 
budget cuts, NIDA is certainly capable 


of mustering out a few troops to go 
before a Senator who's willing to commit 
$15,000,000. 

While a variety of motives can be 
ascribed to individuals within the war 
on-drugs network, the larger system de- 
mands a more gencral explanation. It 
scems to have been provided, ironically, 
in its most clearheaded form by a group 
called the Shafer Commission, which v 
appointed by Nixon and which back- 


fired on him. The commission's report 
from 1973 could be reissued, stamped 
1982 


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SCOTCH" CASSETTES. THE TRUTH COMES OUT. 


Under the heading, PERPETUATING THE 


PROBLEM, the report says: 


Because of the intensity of the 
public concern and the emotiona 
ism surrounding the topic of drugs, 
all levels of government have been 
pressured into . . . reaction along the 
paths of least political resistanc 
The recent result has heen the crea 
tion of ever-larger bureaucracies, 
ever-increasing expenditures of 
monies and an outpouring of pub- 
licity so that the public will know 
that "something" is being done. 

Perhaps the major consequence of 
this ad hoc policy planning has 
been the creation . of a vested 
interest in the perpetuation of the 
problem among those dispensing 
and receiving funds. . . . Du 
the last several ycars, drug pro- 
graming has become a multibillion- 
dollar industry, опе administering 
to its own needs as well as to those 
of its drug-using clientele. In. the 
course of well-meaning efforts to do 
something about drug usc, this 
society may have inadvertently insti- 
tutionalized it as a ending 
project. 


ng 


nev 


This describes what Shafer Commis- 
sion members called the Drug Abuse In- 
dustrial Complex (see box, page 137) 
and explains quite simply that it can do 
anything except stop. 

The current war on drugs is most cer- 
tainly a part of the phenomenon. Multi 
billion-dollar industries don't simply 
vanish overnight when they're no longer 
needed. As the central organizations of 
the Drug Abuse Industrial Complex, 
NIDA and DEA have major vested in- 
terests in perpetuating a drug problem— 
or at least the appearance of onc. And 
the casy vulnerability of millions of 
mothers who fear for the welfare of their 
children has made the war on drugs a 
spectacular success. 

At Senator Humphrey's hearing, there 
was a table covered with pamphlets from 
various parents’ groups. Among them 
newsletter sporting ап endorse- 
ment by Henry Ross Perot and a front- 
page picture of Nancy Reagan being 
served coffee by a tuxedoed Negro. Above 
it, President Reagan was quoted as say- 


was a 


ing, "We need to mobilize our religious, 


educational and fraternal groups in a na 
tional education program against drug 


abuse. .. . This Administration will do 
all in its power to encourage such 
efforts.” The newsletter went on to de- 


scribe precisely what had happened in 
"Fexas—only this time the staging 
was the United States Congress. “The 
education of our Senators and Congress- 
men that has gone on in their lo 
districts and here in Washington is 
proving successful...” 

But this is just what 
Commission described: politi 


rea 


the Shafer 
al pressure, 


PLAYBOY 


216 


reaction along the paths of least political 
resistance. the appearance of doing 
something. Legislators respond in the 
only way they know how: They intro- 
duce legislation. Hastily conceived, badly 
written and based on a muddled under- 
standing of the limits of police power 
set out in the Constitution, these laws 
and the atmosphere of anxiety out of 
which they grow tend to get people hurt. 
Oliver Bruce Moorer. for example. got 
hurt on April 23, 1981. According to his 
family, Moorer was asleep at about three 
л.м. when the police raided his Saginaw. 
Michigan. home to seize drugs. The 
probable cause for the raid was the word 
of an informant who said he had smoked 
a joint with "an unknown Negro" in 
Moorer's house. Prior to entering. the 
police prepped the house by pouring 
gunfire into it for approximately буе 
minutes. The question of Fourth Amend- 
ment violations was never raised. on ac- 
count of the fact that Moorer was dead. 
E 


The Ministry of Truth . . . was 
startlingly difjerent from any other 
object in sight. It was an enormous 
pyramidal structure of glittering 
while concrete, soaring up, terrace. 
after terrace, three hundred meters 
into the air. 


As you travel north from the hot black 
edges of the District of Columbia, you 
enter upon an unbroken white fabric of 
unilevel industrial sprawl that reaches 
all the way to Rockville, Maryland, and 
beyond. There are few buildings taller 
than 20 or 30 fect, shopping centers most 
notable among them. One day, І went 
up to visit NIDA іп Rockville. It is 


housed in a building that сап be seen 
from the next town—a massive gray 
steel-and-glass structure that sticks out of 
the ground as if it has yet to leave the 
drawing board and commands your at- 
tention long before you reach it. 

Around the first floor of the building 
are enormous block letters advertising, 
RUG Fair, in what is surely one of the 
most remarkable coincidences of joint 
tenancy in existence. (Ironically, Drug 
Fair, a chain of pharmacies, was re- 
cently given the Silver Anvil Award by 
the Public Relations Society of Ате 
for converting the prescription depart- 
ment in every one of its stores 
drug-abuse information centers 
“community outreach facilitators," what- 
ever those are.) 

NIDA is a monstrous bureaucracy 
with endless corridors and countless lit- 
tle plaques bearing the titles of depart- 
ments, divisions, branches, subbranches 
and microdepartmental modalities. I 
had gone there to see the head of the 
Prevention Branch, who was quite eager 
to talk about his work and equally eager 
not to have his name in print. He was 
ardently enthusiastic about the parents’ 
j 15 big," 
It's the big- 
gest thing I've ever seen. And you want 
to know somethi California is the 
hottest state for these family group: 
He recomposed himself and shifted in 
his chair with a kind of impatient and 
restless zeal. I asked him about possible 
budget cuts that could threaten his work. 
The muscles of his face leaped to form а 
smile, as if they had been artificially 
stimulated, one by one, with clectrical 
current, "We'll get the money from 


and 


“Good evening, Mr. and Mrs. First Nighter!” 


somewhere,” he promised. "Well get the 
money. Next we want to start а national 
youth movement on drugs.” He leaned 
in a little closer and added, "With 
SWAT teams on drug-using teens. 

And І thought he was probably right: 
he would get the money. As long as 
whatever was eating him from inside 
continued its invisible work. As long as 
there were moms such as the ones І had 
seen in that Texas courtroom and at 
Senator Humphrey's hearing, willing to 
get right down in the gutter with the 
prisoners of war. As long as Nancy 
Reagan—the First Mom of the nation— 
remains the Joan of Arc of the war on 
drugs. Just recently, she went on the 
Good Morning, America show for the 
sccond time to promote the war on 
drugs, and David Hartman seemed to 
have swallowed the propaganda. Н 
tention was riveted on her with 


such 
earnest intensity, it appeared his face 
might turn inside out, He asked Nancy 


what everyone could do about this ter 
ble problem. She grinned and apologized 
for all the mail Hartman had received 
after her first appearance on his show. 
This time. she said, parents could write 
directly to her and she would put them 
in touch with the group in their area 
that was fighting the war on drugs. And 
upon the screen there appeared a card: 


NANCY REAGAN 
THE WHITE поў: 
WASHINGTON, D.C, 20; 


After leaving NIDA headquarters, І 
rode the subway іп Washington to the 
Metro Center Station. When I reached 
the street level, there was a radio blaring 
out onto the busy boulevard and people 
were hesitating. listening. then walking 
on. A shrill, military newscaster's voice 
was proclaiming that NIDA director 
Pollin had just announced that mari- 
juana use leads to cocaine and hard- 
cr drugs. I stopped. not quite ready to 
believe what І was hearing. and then 
thought of all the slogans І had seen 
hammered into the white stone Govern- 
ment buildings around the city. On the 
ational Archives: ETERNAL VIGILANCE 15 
PRICE OF FREEDOM. On the Justice 

ишеги: WHERE LAW 
BEGINS. And: LAW ALONE 
FREEDOM. With the rac 
nouncement of such obvious mi 
tion, 1 couldnt help remembering 
another set of slogans: WAR 15 PEACE | 
FREEDOM 15 SLAVERY / IGNORANCE IS 
STRENGTH, which appeared on buildings 
London in a туп ime so far in 
the future it was once considered mere 
allegory. The epigraphs for this article 
аге. of course. from that time and 
place—/984, which may come to be 
known as the only Government. project 
that was ever completed on schedule. 


TH 
Dep 


ENDS 
CAN GIVE US 


TYRANNY 


ХА Е 


n [4 
© iı na мытнае TOBACCO COMMANY М 


“й Р i 


- f ^nt 


—. Where dma 


n belon 


> 


» 


LP" 
Mo" 


в 
LIGHTS. 8 mg. "Хаг", 0.8 mg. nicotine, 
FILTERS: 15 mg. “tar”, 1.3 mg. nicotine, av. per cigarette by ETC method. 


Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined 


Experience the 
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health. 


Camel taste in Lights and Filters. 


PLAYBOY 


218 


PLAYBOY MIU SEC 47Р 


MN INFIDELITY 

(continued from page 161) 
story of the year, finally chugged into 
the big time with its 1th album. Hi 
Infidelity may go uranium any day now. 
It sold a staggering 6,000,000 copies and 
defended the album summit for more 
than four months. More than 1,440,000 
people saw REO in concert. 

Of course, popularity is not neces- 
sarily a qualit casure. While 
many zillion satisfied customers can be 
wrong, there are a few plausible reasons 
people listen to these bands. 

Memorable melodies, for one. They 
are (dare we say it?) catchy. Listen to 
Roll with the Changes, Time for Me 
to Fly or Who's Crying Now? and try to 
keep them from bouncing around in 
your head. It's like trying not to think 
of an elephant. 


Lead vocalists Dennis DeYoung of 
Styx, Kevin Cronin of REO and Steve 
Perry of Journey sing with similar 
styles—high, strident, almost instrumen- 
tal, while their background harmonies 
are on the money. Critics’ note: Remem- 
bcr Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young? 

These bands give knockdown drag- 
out concerts, too, professional and still 
exuberant. They sound as good onstage 
as on vinyl. 

But we suppose the bicoastal music 
critics won't reconsider. They're still 
depressed at Dylan's defection and mad 
that they can't put U2 and Oingo 
Boingo on the radio. So they won't 
pay much attention to REO, Journey 
and Styx; but the threc big bands 
keep on playing—not just for the tin- 
carcd unwashed but for all the musical 
democrats. 


“Oh, sure, it probably looks 
good to you at the moment; the pay is 
decent and the hours short, but I tell you, boy, 
it’s a thankless job.” 


BILLY SHERRILL 
(continued from page 162) 
that's the reason he stopped loving her. 
Well, without the strings, the song just 
lies there for about two bars But add 
the chromatic string gliss, and you can 
see that son of a bitch walk through the 
pearly gates. That’s why І like strings 
PLAynoy: How do you know if a song 
will be a hit? 
SHERRILL: If all the pickers and writers 
and the "in" crowd flip over it, chances 
are it's a stiff. If they hear it and ask 
“Is he crazy?" it's probably 2 number- 
one record. 
гілувоу: We hear you like to stay out 
of the public eye. 
SHERRILL: I love anonymity. Last week, 
I was standing down in the lobby just 
looking out the window when a guy 
came in with a sack of tapes that it 
would take a year to listen to and said, 
nt to see Billy Sherrill today.” I 
5 Hey, I've been trying to see that 
bastard f year! Yeah, man, he's a 
. anyway!" I really loved 
that’s why I hate to see my picture in 
the trade magazines. 
PLAYBOY: What do you think of the 
Rolling Stones? 
SHERRILL: І never think about them. 
rLAYBOY: Aretha Frank! 
SHERRILL: I love her. I've stolen a lot of 
her licks. 
PLAYBOY: Ray Charles? 
sHERRILL: He did things 20 years ago 
that sound as though he did them the 
year after next. He's a genius. 
Prayroy: Bob Dylan? 
SHERRILL: Great songwriter. І once asked 
him, “What the hell docs Rainy Day 
Women No. 12 & 35 mean?” He said, 
“I'm not sure. 
rraysoy: Phil Spector? 
SHERRILL: He's a big hero of mine. What 
he did was really records, you know? 
You roll in, no overdubs; you've got 80 
is, an echo, a couple of guys or 
15 who can really hook it. 


pLaynoy: After 20 years of producing, 
are you producing new talent to stay 
young? 


SHERRILL: I'm only 96! І just sound old 
because I've got a head cold. Seriously, 
Calamity Jane was a rccord-company 
Іса. They asked шс, "Why don't yo 
put together a girl group?" It's а total 
experiment. Besides, it's fun. They're all 
a lot prettier than Johnny Paycheck. 
PLAYBOY: One last question. Does it help 
a woman to have a big chest in this 
business? 

SHERRILL: It didn't help Barbara Man- 
drell—who, by the way, is one of my 
closest friends. I only said that because 
she says that. 


Turn page for Music Poll results, 


The classic sportscar turned turbo 

performs like a champion, winning 1 
praise from the professionals who д 
have road tested it. “...опе of the 1 
sassiest road cars in America... 

whose understated looks belie its 


tacular perform г Road & 
Hast, Setter 1051 Ano, Nes», The Only turbocharged 
merican-sold roadster approaches 
this perfomance,” Car ata pror convertible sportscar 
ovember, . And, "The best run H 
was zero to 60 in 9.2 Seconds. With a in America... 


4-cylinder...it's incredible." Bob West, 


Motor Trend. 
The Fiat Spider Turbo beat the 


Porsche 924 Turbo in both 0-60 
acceleration, and in the quarter mile. 
The Spider gives instant throttle 
response with no turbo lag; smooth, 
high-torque feel; turbo boost at low 
rpm (about 1400); high efficiency 
performance (75% at 3000 rpm, 60% 
up to 6000 rpm). 

The genius of master coachbuilder 
Pininfarina is reflected in the Spider 
Turbo's classic design. Pininfarina, 
long associated with Fiat in the 
production of magnificent roadsters 
апа sportscars, designed the most 
sought-after legendary Ferraris, as 
well as classic Lancia and Fiat 
sedans and sportscars. 

One test drive in a Fiat Spider 
Turbo will demonstrate the 
exhilaration of open air driving with 
turbocharged Pacem And be 
Sure to ask your dealer about Fiat - e 
Protection Plus—the three level 
limited warranty provided at no Fiat Spider Turbo. 
additional charge on all Fiat models. 

For the nearest Fiat dealer, call 
toll-free (800) 447-4700, in Illinois 
(800) 322-4400, in Alaska and Hawaii 
(800) 447-0890. 


с a ana 


Turbocharging system manufactured and installed 
by Legend Industries, inc. 


5м, 
oranan И Nothing moves you like a Fiat Sportscar. 


North America, Inc., 1981. 


PLAYBOY 


220 


Why It’s Such 
ARare Bird 


Wild Turkeys are masters 
of camouflage and evasion. 
A large flock of birds will lie 
quietly within yards of a 
man passing through the 
forest, and never be seen. 

The Wild Turkey is 
truly a native bird, unique 
to America. And it is the 
unique symbol of the 
greatest native whiskey in 
America—Wild Turkey. 


WILD TURKEY */ 101 PROOF / 8 YEARS OLD 


Austin. Nichols Distilling Co., Lawrenceburg, Kentucky © 1981 


PLAYBOY MUSIC POLL RESULTS 


Apparently, the Rolling Stones made 
as big a hit with you as they did with us 
this year. They nailed down top honors 
in both the pop/rock group and album 
categories. Jagger had to take a back seat 
to top-rated Bruce Springsteen and 
second-place Billy Joel in the pop/rock 
male-vocalist division. 

Linda Ronstadt still has her grass- 
roots supporters. She was voted top fe- 
male country vocalist even though this 
was the year she starred in The Pirates 
of Penzance, following an album heavily 
flavored by New Wave. Joni Mitchell, 
who snared high honors as top female 
jazz vocalist, has continued to fascinate 
jazz fans ever since Mingus, now more 
than two years old. 

All in all, we think your selections set 
the stage for some interesting discussions 
long into the night. Take a look for 
yourself. 


RECORDS OF THE YEAR 
BEST RHYTI 


ND-BLUES LP 

1. Street Songs / Rick James (Gordy / Motown) 

9. Holter Than July | Stevie Wonder 
(Tamla / Motown) 

3. In the Pocket | Commodores (Mo- 
town) 

4. Being with You | Smokey Robinson 
(Tamla) 

5. Tattoo You | Rolling Stones (Roll- 
ing Stones Records) 

6. Give Me the Night | George Benson 
(Warner Bros.) 

7. Black and White | Pointer Sisters 
(Planet) 

8. Celebrate! | Kool and the Gang 
(De.Lite) 

9. Off the Wall | Michael Jackson 
(Epic) 

10. Endless Love | Diana Ross / Lionel 
Richie (Mercury) 

11. Faces | Earth, Wind & Fire (ARC / 
Columbia) 

12. The Dude | Quincy Jones (A&M) 

19. Winelight | Grover Washington, Jr. 
(Elektra) 

14. Fiyo on the Bayou | Neville Broth- 
ers (АЕМ) 

15. The Blues Brothers (Atlantic) 

15. The Wanderer | Donna Summer 
(David Geffen) 


BEST POP/ROCK LP 


1. Tattoo You / Rolling Stones (Rolling Stones 
Records) 

2. Hi Infidelity | REO Speedwagon 
(Epic) 

. The River | Bruce Springsteen (Co- 

lumbia) 

Bella Donna | Stevie Nicks (Modern) 

Paradise Theatre | Styx (АКМ) 

Moving Pictures | Rush (Mercury) 

Long Distance Voyager | The 

Moody Blues (Threshold /PolyGram) 

Escape | Journey (Columbia) 


RSS En 


L4 


ZI. Kc М 


Liat moni | | 
ў У 


/ |5 
fly 


"Let's face it, Ralph. You just don't have that killer instinct.” 


PLAYBOY 


. Double Fantasy | John Lennon & 
Yoko Ono (Geffen) 

. Gaucho | Steely Dan (MCA) 

. Face Dances | The Who (Warner 
Bros) 

. Precious Time | Pat Benatar (Chrys- 
al 

. Christopher Gross (Warner Bros.) 

| Arc of a Diver | Steve Winwood 
(Warner Bros.) 
Nine Tonight | Bob Seger & The 
Silver Bullet Band (Capitol) 


BEST COUNTRY-AND-WESTERN LP 


. Feels So Right / Alabama (RCA) 

. Greatest Hits | Kenny Rogers (Liber- 
ty) 

. Rowdy | Hank Williams, Jr. (Elek- 
tra) 

. 9 to 5 (20th Century-Fox) (includes 
Dolly Parton singing) 

. Seven Year Ache | Rosanne Cash 
(Columbia) 


. Evangeline | Emmylou Harris (War- 


ner Bros.) 
. Somewhere Over the Rainbow | 
Willie Nelson (Columbia) 


. Fancy Free | The Oak Ridge Boys 
(MCA) 

. Share Your Love | Kenny Rogers 
(Liberty) 

. Honeysuckle Rose | Willie Nelson & 
Family (Columbia) 


- Horizon | Eddie Rabbitt (Elektra) 


19. Full Moon | Charlie Daniels Band 


(Epic) 

. Juice | Juice Newton (Capitol) 

. The Pressure Is On | Hank Wil- 
liams, Jr. (Elektra) 

. Urban Cowboy (Full Moon /Asylum) 


. Greatest Hits (And Some That Will 


Ве) | Willie Nelson (Columbia) 
BEST JAZZ LP 

. As Falls Wichita, So Falls Wichita Falls / 
Pat Metheny & Lyle Mays (ECM) 

. The Man with the Horn | Miles 
Davis (Columbia) 

. The Glarke|Duke Project | Stanley 
Clarke / Gcorge Duke (Epic) 

. Breakin’ Away | Al Jarreau (War- 
ner Bros.) 


. Harry Chapin 16. 
. Jimmy Page — 17. 
. Neil Young 18. 
. Bob Marley 19. Fı 
10. 


o ma‏ و و و ا 


inclight | Grover Washington, Jr. 
ktra) 
The Dude | Quincy Jones (A&M) 


. Friday Night in San Francisco | Al 


DiMeola, John McLaughlin, Paco 
DeLucia (Columbia) 


. Mecca for Moderns | The Manhat- 


tan Transfer (Atlantic) 


. Pirales | Rickie Lee Jones (Warner 


Bros.) 


. Give Ме the Night | George Benson 


(Warner Bros.) 


. Voyeur | David Sanborn (Warner 


Bros.) 


‚ Jumpin’ Jive | Joe Jackson (A&M) 
. Rit | Lee Ritenour (Elektra) 

. Freetime | Spyro Gyra (MCA) 

15. 
15. 


Gaucho | Steély Dan (MCA) 
Tarantella |Chuck Mangione (АКМ) 


HALL OF FAME 


. Peter Townshend 11. Keith Richards 
. Bob Seger 12. 
. Billy Joel 13. 
. Willie Nelson ГЕЯ 


Ronnie Van Zant 
Pat Benatar 
Buddy Holly 
Jackson Browne 
Neil Diamond 
Carlos Santana 
Ray Davies 

k Zappa 
Jerry Garcia 


arbra Streisand 15. 


Chuck Berry 20. 


BEST MUSICIANS 
POP/ROCK 


г 


Billy Joe! 


i. Steve Winwood 
Jackson Browne 


; Elton John 
Kevin Cronin 
18; Steve Perry 
Costello 
30. Neil Young 


FEMALE VOCALIST 
Pat Benatar 
Stevie Nicks 


“Oh, Betty, I just know we're going 
to get lucky tonight.” 


3. Kim Carnes 
. Chrissic Hynde 
. Barbra Streisand, 


Rickie Lee Jones 


. Juice Newton 
Carly Simon 
|. Joni Mitchell 
Grace Slick 
Bette Midler 
. Anne Murray 
Ronnie Raitt 
9. Dionne Warwick 
20, Melissa Manchester 


GUITAR 

1. Carlos Santana 

2. Eric Clapton 

3. Bruce Springsteen 

4. Peter Townshend 
Jimmy Page 

j. Keith Richards 

. Тос Walsh 

. "Ted Nugent 

9. Jeff Beck 

. Frank Zappa 

- Mark Knopfler 

2. Jerry Garci; 

|. Rick Nielsen 

Eddie Van Halen 

Bonnie Raitt 

Robin Trower 

. Waddy Wachtel 

j. Glenn Frey 

. Robert Fripp 

. Mick Joncs 


KEYBOARDS 
Billy Joel 

. Elton John 

. Keith Emerson 

. Jackson Browne 


. Roy Bittan 

. Gregg Allman 
Billy Preston 
‘Todd Rundgren 
Brian Eno 

Leon Russell 
Gary Wright 


DRUMS 

. Mick Fleetwood 

Phil Coll 

. Ringo Starr 

гс Watts 
Carl Palmer 

Aynsley Dunbar 

Russ Kunkel 

. Ginger Baker 

. Max Weinberg 

Neil Peart 


Я; 
j, Bill Kreutzmann 
7. Johanny "Jaimac" 


David Teegarden 
. Pick Withers 
20, Roger Hawkins 


BASS 
1. Paul McCartney 
2. Entwistle 
3. Bill Wyman 
4 
6 


Donald “Duck” Dunn 
John Paul Jones 

6. John McVi 

7. Chris Squire 

B. Jack Bruce 

9. Greg Lake 

10. Garry Tallent 

11. Larry Graham 

il Lesh 

12. Lee Sklar 


14. Geddy Lee 

а Weymouth. 
16. Klaus Voormann 
17. Rick Danko 

18. Wilton Felder 


‘COMPOSER /SONCWRITER. 
1. Bruce Springsteen 

2. Christopher Cross 
3. Walter Becker- 


1 McCartney 

7. Tom Petty 

8. Stevie Wonder 

9. Peter Townshend 
simon 

11. Frank Zappa 

12. Jimmy Bulfete 

Drowne 


James Taylor 
19. Bob Dylan. 
19. Rickie Lee Jones 


our 

1. Rolling Stones 

2. Bruce Springsteen & the 
E Street Band 

3. REO Spcedwagon 

4. Journey 

5. Bob Seger & the Silver 
Bullet Band 

5. Steely Dan 


- Fleetwood Mac 

- Rush 

"Tom Petty & th 
Heartbreakers 

17. Beach Boys 

18. Christopher Cross 


RHYTHM-AND-BLUES. 
MALE VOCALIST 
George Benson 
. Stevie Wonder 
. Ray Charles. 
Smokcy Robinson. 
Michael Jackson 
j. В.В. King 
James. 
‘Teddy Pendergrass 
Billy Preston 
James Brown. 
Jimmy Cliff 
arvin Gaye 
Isaac Hayes 
. Barry White 
15. Sly Stone 
16. Prince 
17. Larry Graham. 
йог Walker 
19. Michael Henderson. 
20. Aaron Neville 


FEMALE VOCALIST 
Dlona Ross 

- Donna Summer 
Aretha Franklin 
Natalie Cole 

5. Bonnie Pointer 
6. Roberta Flack 

7. Dionne Warwick 
8. Chaka Khan 

9. Stephanie Mills 
10. Gladys Knight 
11. Stacy Lattisaw 
12. Randy Crawford 


Phyllis Hyman 
17. Debra Laws 
18. Patti Labelle 
19. Jean Carn. 

20. Esther Phillips 


COMPOSER/SONCWRITER. 
1. Stevie Wonder 

2. Lionel Richie, Jr. 

3. Smokey Robinson 

4. Nickolas Ashford-Valerie 

Simpson 

5. Ray Parker, Jr. 

б. Barry Wi 

7. James Brown. 
В. Curtis Mayfield 
9. Allen Toussaint. 

10. Bobby Womack 

11. George Clinton 
12. Kenny Gamble-Lcon Huff 
13. Thom Belt 
13. Eugene McDaniels 

15. William Eaten 

16, Norman Whitfield 

17. Norman Harris 

18. Maurice White 
im Salter 


1. Commodores 
Earth, Wind & Fire 
Pointer Sisters 

Kool & the Gang 
‘Temptations 

Sister Sledge 


Ray Parker, Jr., & Raydio 
Gladys Knight & the Pips 
Manhattans 


Isley Brothers 
Parliament/Funkaddic 
. A Taste of Honey 

. Peaches & Herb 


Gap Band 
. Sugar Hill Gang 
Maze 

. O'Jays 

20. Shalamar 


БЕЕЕЕЕЕ ЧЕБЕР 


JAZZ 
NALE VOCALIST 
Al Jorreou. 
Benson 
Ray Charles 
3. Lou Rawls 


7. Michael Franks 
8. Gil Scott-Heron 
9, Tony Bennett 
10. Joe Wil 

11. Mose Allison. 

12, Billy Eckstine 

amy Witherspoon 
4. Jon Hendricks 

15. Milton Nascimento 
6. Johnny Hartman. 
17. Leon Thomas 

18. Bob Dorough 


FEMALE VOCALIST 
1. Joni Mitchell 

2. Roberta Flack 

3. Ella Fitzgerald 

4. Phoebe Snow 

5. Nancy Wilson 

6. Lena Horne 

7. Sarah Vaughan 

8. Angela Вобі 


13. Melba 
14. Carmen McRae. 

15. Rickie Lee Jones 

16. Della Reese 

17. Betty Carter 

18. Dee Dee Bridgewater 
19. Judy Roberts 

20. Anita O'Day 


BRASS 
1. Chuck Mangione 
2. Herb Alpert 
3. Doc Severinsen 
3. Miles Davis. 

5. Dizzy Gillespie. 

6. Maynard Ferguson 
7. Randy Brecker 

8. Tom Browne 

9. Freddie Hubbard 

10. Donald Byrd 

11. J. J. Johnson 

12. Clark Terry 


13. Woody Shaw 
14: Chet Baker 
15. Lester Bos 
16. Don С 
17. Bill Watrous 
18. Wayne Henderson 
Wynton Marsalis 
Nat Adderley 


wooo wins: 
1. Grover Washington, Jr. 


. John Klemmer 
. Woody Herman. 
9. Hubert. 

10. Gerry Mulligan 

Wayne Shorter 

ot Sims 

Paul Winter 

14. Dexter Gordon 

15. Wilton Felder 

10. Phil Woods 

17. Stanley Turrentine 

18. Yusef Lateef 

19. Joc Farrell 

19. Bobbi Humphrey. 


з 
4 
6. Ronnie Laws 
7 
D 


KFYROARNS 
Chick Corea 
Eubie Blake 


Herbie Hancock 
. Dave Brubeck 
Bob James 

Keith Jarrett 
соге Duke 
Ramscy Lewis 
Jan Hammer 

|. Oscar Peterson, 
Joe Sample 


Monk 


Earl “Бава” Hines 
Ahmad Jamal 

j McCoy Tyner 
Judy Roberts. 
Jimmy Smith 

9. Patrice Rushen 
Les МеСаш 


vines 
Lionel Hampton 

Terry Gibbs 

. Roy Ayi 
Gary Burton 
Keith Underwood 

. Milt Jackson 

Cal Tjader 

Victor Feldman 
Buddy Montgomery 

|. Red Norvo 

- Tommy Vig 

. Bobby Hut 
Mike Маіпісі 

David Friedman 

Emil Richards 

David Samuels 


GUITAR 
1. George Benson 
2. Al DiMcola 

8. Pat Metheny 
3. Lee Ritenot 

5. Earl Klugh 

6. John McLaughlin 
7. 

8 

9. 


. Charlie Byrd 
Eric Gale 
. Larry Coryell 
. Jim Hall 
И. Joc Pass 
12. John Abercrombie 
13. Herb Ellis 
13. Tony Mottola 
15. Kenny Burrell 
15. Ralph Towner 
17. Gabor Szabo 
18. Jeff Beck 
18. Cal Collins. 
20. Bucky Püzarclli 


BASS 
1. Stanley Clarke 

2. Ray Brown 

3. Jaco Pastorius 

3. Ron Carter 

5. Rufus Reid 

6. Monk Montgomery 


7. Bob Granshaw 
- Carol Kaye 
- Joc Byrd 

Art Davis 
Eddic Gomez 
Anthony Jackson 


1 
2. Billy Cobham 
3. Steve Gadd 
4, Stix Hooper 
5. Lenny White 
6. Ralph MacDonald 
7. Mongo Santamaria 
в. Willie Bobo 

9. Tony Williams 

10. Art Blakey 

11. Jack DeJohnette 

. Мах Roach 

immy Cobb 

4. Jo Jones 

Airto Moreira 

j, Elvin Jones 

. Joc Morello 

. Alphonse М 
Mel Lewis 
. Harvey Mason 


COMPOSER /SONCWRITER. 


Grover Washington, Jr. 
4. Chick Corea 

5. Bob James 

б. Dave Brubeck 


9. Herbie Hancock 
10. Keith Jarrett. 
11: Gil Scott-Heron- 


ichel Legrand. 
Carla Bley 
Antonio Carlos Jobim 
‘Thelonious Monk 
Eumir Deodato 
Wayne Shorter 
Thad Jones 


cour 
Manhattan Transter 
Spyro Gyra 
i. Chuck Mangione 
Weather Report 
. Ray Charles 
Count Basie 
Crusaders. 
i. Buddy Rich. 
Maynard Ferguson 
Jeff Lorber Fusion 
. Sergio Mendes & 
Brasil "ВВ 
John McLaughlin 
Herbie Hancock. 
Dave Brubeck 
Hiroshi 
б. Akiyoshi/Tabackin Big 


17. Oregon 
18, Art Ensemble of Chicago 
19, Heath Brot 
20. Pat Metheny Group 


COUNTRY-AND-WESTERN. 
MALE VOCALIST 
1. Willie Nel. 


Charlie Dani 
5. Hank Williams, Jr. 
6. Ronnie Milsap 

7. Waylon Je 
8. Larry Са 
9. George Jones 
10, Don Williams 
11. Jerry Lee Lewis 
12. Johnny Gash 

13. Kris Kristofferson 
14, Jerry Jeff Walker 


15. Glen Campbell 
16. Merle Haggard 
Roy Chu 
Mickey 
. Mac Dav 
Johnny Lee 


FEMALE VOCALIST 
1. Lindo Ronstadt 

2. Crystal Gayle 

3. Barbara Mandrell 

4 

5 


. Emmylou Harris 
Dolly Parton 
Rosanne Cash 

7. Anne Murray 

8. Tanya "Tucker. 
9. Rita Coolidge 
10. Lacy J. Dalton 


Jessi Colter 
"Tammy Wynette 
15: Charly McClain 
West 


.. Juice Newton 
20. Brenda Lee 


STRING INSTRUMENTALIST 
Roy Clark 

Chet Atkins 

Jerry Reed 

Ry Cooder 

Earl 


John Hartford 
Ricky Skaggs 
David 

Sonny James 
Johnny Gimble 


McCoy 
Reggie Young. 
Amos Garrett 
Pete Drak 
Tut Tay 
idy Martin 


COMPOSER /SONCWRITER, 
1. Willie Nelson 

2. Dolly Parton 

3. Waylon Jennings 
4 ms, Jr. 
©. 


6. Joh 


7. 

8. Tom Т. Hall 
9. Merle Haggard 
10. Rodney Crowell 
- Jerry Jeff Walker 
Mel Tillis 

. Shel Silverstein 

- Roger Miller 


Johnny Rodriguez 
. Sonny Throckmorton 
Kris Kristofferson 
20. Curly Putnam 


GROUP 
і: Bond 


` Dirt Band 


1 
3. Oak Ridge Boys 
1 


. Hank Williams, Jr., & 
the Вата Band 
6. Waylon Jennings & 
the Waylors 
7. Asleep at the Wheel 
8. Larry Gatlin & the Gatlin 
Brothers Band 
9. Statler Bros. 
10. Johnny Cash & the 
Tennessee Three 
11. Merle Haggard & 
the Strangers 
Moe Bandy & 
Joe Stampley 
. Kendalls 
- Willie Nelson & Family 
Marshall Tucker Band 
. Emmylou Harris 
(Hot Band) 
17. Joc Ely Band 
17. Tompall & the. 
Glaser Brothers 


223 


FREEMOUNTAIN 
TIME 
Freemountain Toys, those 
nutsy, freethinking folks at 

23 Main Street, Bristol, 
Vermont 05443, who cre- 
ated the hats decorated. 
with feelers, antlers and 
horns that we featured 
back in April 1979, have 
returned to their wacky 
drawing boards and come 
up with a whole new line 
of loony lids guaranteed to 
get you committed to the 
local funny farm. Star 
Wars junkies will be all 
eyes for a Yoda-eared 

hat ($14.95) that out- 
appendages even Mickey 
Mouse. Other spaced-out 
species include a unicorn 
cap ($9.95), a knit 
rooster hat ($8.50), and a 
super ram hat ($11.95). 
One size fits all; the prices 
are postpaid and Free- 
mountain picks the colors. 


PLAYBOY POTPOURRI 


people, places, objects and events of interest or amusement 


DO THE TROT, TURKEY 
You say your best girl just put your life's 
savings on the nose of a horse named 
Steroid and it’s still in the starting gate? 
Instead of diving into a fifth of Old 
Stomach Pump, take your frustrations out 
on My Tantrum Mat, a 1014” x 16" vinyl 
pad on which anyone who can't cope can 
stomp his little tootsies until the pain 
goes away. Best of all, Thurston Moore 
Country Ltd., P.O. Box 1829, Montrose, 
Colorado 81402, sells the pad for only 
$4.95, postpaid. At that price, there’s 
nothing to get mad about. 


TOY SOLDIERS ON PARADE 
When Eugene Field wrote about the 
little toy soldier's being covered with rust, 
he wasn't referring to the parade of tiny 
troops that publisher Malcolm Forbes has 
amassed in his Museum of Military 
Miniatures in Tangiers. Forbes’ collec- 
tion, one of the finest in the world, is 
showcased in a new Doubleday book, Toy 
Armies (22.95), by Peter Johnson, which 
also chronicles the history of tin and 
Jead soldiers. Parade rest! 


GAMES PAUPERS PLAY 


The Internal Revenue Service, of course, has been playing stick the 
taxpayer for years, but now turnabout is fair play—at least at the 
gaming table—in Stick the IRS, a new board game created by a 
California tax attorney and a securities broker-dealer. The winner 
(aside from Courtland Playthings, One Palo Alto Square, Suite 280, 

Palo Alto, California 94304, which sells the game for $21, postpaid) is 
the player who best uses his income and tax shelters to pay the 
least amount of income tax. Just like real life, eh, gang? 


STAMPING OUT 
DULL STAMPS 

Anybody who believes the 
phrase rubber stamp is still 
synonymous with corporate 
nonthink had better check out 
the $2 catalog of a company 
called Elbow Grease, P.O. 
Box 25056, Richmond, Vir- 
ginia 23260. Inside are 105 of 
the craziest stamps you've 
ever seen, from он YEAH! ($6) 
and FOOT MAIL ($5) to MAN. 
WITH NO DREAM BUT A GREAT 
HAIRCUT ($6), all shown here. 
The last would look espe- 
cially good stamped at the 
bottom of your next 
resignation letter, 


THE WILD WEST 
We've all seen the bronzes of 
Frederic Remington, which 
capture the rugged, lonely 
essence of the wild West in 
terms of bucking. broncos 
and stalwart cowpokes. Mid- 
western sculptor R. E. Orr 
also has a vision of the wild 
West—an erotic vision, that 
is, as depicted here in this 
limited-edition 17"-tall bronze 
statue of a cowgirl who's so 
lovely, you want to reach out 
and caress her. The sculpture, 
which sells for $2500, is part 
of a series of five a ble 
from Orr's Santee Studio, 1021 
West 14th Street, Willmar, 
Minnesota 56201. For Orr, it 
ain't the end of the ti 


THE SPIES HAVE IT 
With all the whodunit maga- 
zines now available, it's 
elementary that a spy en- 
thusiast would introduce a 
periodical for fans of the 
espionage genre. Hence comes 
The Dossier, the official 
journal of The International 
Spy Society. A year’s sub- 
scription (four issues) costs $12 
sent to Richard L. Knudson at 
State University of New 
York, English Department, 
Oneonta, New York 13820. 
Good news for Bond buff: 
The next issue includes a racy 
feature on his cars, plusa 
look at the Beretta pistol. 
Nobody docs it like James. 


HAVE INSULT, WILL TRAVEL 
Don Rickles would love this: A company called 
Insult-A-Gram is offering a form with 33 cate- 
gories (from crank to snob) on which you 
indicate the type of obnoxious person you'd like 
to have them insult through the mail, Or you 
can vent your own spleen in 15 words or less via 
an Insult-A-Gram. (Insult-A-Gram's address 
is P.O. Box 260, Englishtown, New Jersey 
07726.) No, you don't have to sign your Insult- 
A-Gram—just the $3 check for the service. 


CALAMARI, HERE WE COME 
As the tentacles of Playboy Potpourri extend 
across the land, seeking out "people, places, 
objects and events of interest or amusement; 
we've met another set of tentacles reaching. 
back. A group called Friends of the Calamari 
has opened the Squid Shop, a store located in 
the Santa Cruz Art Center, 1001 Centér Street, 
Santa Cruz, California 95060, which—get 
this—sells postcards, cookbooks, glassware and 
more, all paying homage to the lowly squid. 
"They also publish a catalog that a squidophile 
would be a sucker not to send for. 


225 


PLAYBOY 


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rum, tequila, apéritifs, liqueurs, 

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a) 


MAN and WOMAN 


(continued from page 146) 
kidneys, liver, pelvis size, hair growth, 
breasts and sexual organs. And a lot 
more besides. They are responsible for 
the cushion of fat a woman carries 
inst the coming of lean times and for 
the sudden attraction that springs be- 
tween male and female at puberty. They 
are responsible for a whole range of sex- 
typical risks, drives and behaviors 

E 

Focus Two. Hormones and the Sc 

The View from Outside 

When scientists have looked from the 
de at the effects of the sex hormones 
on the brain and behavior—which is 
hard to do—these are some of the dis- 
puted bits and pieces of evidence they 
have found: Basses have more testoster- 
one and less estradiol than tenors—and 
they also have more active sex lives. 
Rapists and exhibitionists have higher 
testostcrone levels than is normal; alco- 
holics have lower. Tall male executives 
have sex more frequently than short 
ones, and their level of testosterone may 
go up both before and after sex. Old 
men produce more estradiol and less 
active testosteronc than young ones. 
one part of the Northern Hemi- 
levels of testosterone are highest 
around September, when most children 
are conceived. "The poct was too gen- 
eral. For in this particular part of the 
world, a young man's fancy turns to 
thoughts of love пог in spring but іп 
latc summer. 

Scientists have found the beginnings 
of a conncction, in other words, between 
sexual drive and testosterone. Give large 
doses of it to а female-to-male transsex- 
ual and even her libido goes up. There's 
also a connection in men among thc Y 
chromosome, testosterone and another 
brain-behavior—aggression. Just as Ja 
nese fighting fish can be made extra- 
mean-spirited by the experimental 
addition of an extra Y chromosome, so 
men born with an extra Y chromo- 
some—an accident of nature—tend to 
be more impulsive, more antisocial and. 
perhaps, more aggressive than normal 
males. That is likely to be brought about 
by testosterone. Hockey players who re- 
spond aggressively to threat have been 
found to have higher levels of testoster- 
one than usual. And prisoners with long, 
florid histories of violent crime seem to 
have higher levels than the normal 
prison population. 

It makes sense, perhaps, that sex drive, 
aggression and testosterone should come 
together in men in one evolutionary 
For males in nature usually 
have to fight to mate. The package is 
not, though, a particularly wellpro- 
tected one, and it can easily take on 
a distorted, antisocial shape. Young 
males—whose levels of testosterone аге 
highest—commit almost all the violent 


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227 


PLAYBOY 


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crimes, and many of them аге sex-related. 

There are other distortions as well. 
For instance, many more men combine 
sexual deviance and aggression than do 
women, Aside from their tendencies 
toward rape and exhibitionism, men 
commonly practice things virtually un- 
known in women: homosexual incest, 
pedophilia (sex with children) and ho- 
mosexual sadism and masochism. One of 
the few ways these things and the fan- 
tasies they give rise to can be treated. 
short of brain surgery or castration 
with drugs that block the actions of 
testosterone. 

So much for men. The picture for 
women is much less clear, partly because 
they're hormonally more complicated, 
partly because they suffer fewer genetic 
defects than men and partly because— 
since women are less deviant—science 
is less often called on to treat them. 
Women’s troubles, if any, seem to have 
to do with mood rather than anything 
else. The premenstrual “blues,” for ex- 
ample, are probably caused by an altered 
balance of estradiol and progesterone— 
versions of which are given in the vari- 
ous forms of the birth-control pill. And 
these two sex hormones are almost cer- 
tainly somewhere behind women’s 
proneness to depression. They are likely, 
too, to be at the root of the lack of 
aggression in the so-called weaker sex. 
Given externally, progesterone and its 
relatives induce calmness. And estradiol 
and its relatives seem to promote a sense 
of well-being. 

In women, then—though there is much 
less evidence than for men—the evolu- 
tionary package that comes with the sex 
hormones and the two X chromosomes 
also comes with a sensitivity to mood, an 
evenness of temperament and a general 
lack of volatility. Males born with two 
X chromosomes as well as а Y are un 
usually passive, and male-to-female trans- 
sexuals given large doses of estrogen 
are less arousable and less sexually ag- 
gressive. This packaging, again, would 
make sense. Individual females are im- 
portant to nature as the main investors 
in the continuation of the species, so 
she’s careful to protect them hormonally 
against impulse, hostility and a misplaced 
sexual drive. Individual males she cares 
much less about. Given their small invest- 
ment, any of them vill do. 

е 

Focus Three. Men Versus Women: 

The Struggle Inside 

Men аге expendable—there's по way 
around it. And life is something of a 
struggle for them. They're victimized by 
nature's careless packaging and by her 
alltoo-plain willingness, with males, to 
cut her losses if something goes wrong. 

This is the view from the inside— 
from the womb itself. For it is in the 
womb that the Y chromosome is first ex- 
pressed and the Y-linked sex hormones 


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start to shape male behavior. It is in 
the womb that the struggle to be male 
begins, a struggle that begins for one 
imple but devastating reason: The nat- 
] form of the human is female and 
the male has to be hormonally super- 
imposed on her. Like it or not, males are 
converted females with a high casualty 
rate. They have to do complicated battlc 
to establish themselves in the world. 
Picture to yourself again the fertilized 
egg that became who you are. It is some- 
where in the second month of pregnancy 
and you are about 15 millimeters from 
top to bottom. Up to this point, there's 
no difference between a male and a fe- 
male embryo—all the male and female 
parts exist in both in a primitive form. 
At about this stage, though, the male 
and the female begin to take separate 
paths. If you're to be female, the gonads, 
the two collections of germ cells, now 
begin to develop into ovaries. The male 
ducts disintegrate—and the female ducts 
thicken and become the womb, the Fal- 
lopian tubes and the upper two thirds of 
the vagin; 


PLAYBOY 


If you're to be male, however, your Y 
chromosome interferes with this process. 
It forces development in another direc- 
tion. It causes, scientists believe, produc 
tion of a substance called H-Y antigen, 
which sticks to the surlace of the ov. 
cells and forms them into testicles. And 
the testicles then put out two se: 
moncs in sequence. One 
female parts that would have become 
the womb. and so on. And the other— 
testosterone—protects the male ducts, 
thickens the spermatic cord and. through 
a third hormone called dihydrotestos- 
terone, promotes the 101 ion of the 
male external genitals. 


absor 


What is interesting, though, about this 


male sequence is that a number of things 
can go wrong with it—things that 
always push the development of the male 
back in a female direction, Strip the H-Y 
antigen from the cells of а developing 
testicle in a test tube and the testicle 
will re-form itself into ovary. Remove 
the testicles from the fetus of an experi- 
mental animal and it will return 10 the 
path toward femaleness. This refemini, 


“Actually, we're part of the military-industrial- 


230 


theological complex 


ing can be found in humans, too. A 
number of genetic human males who 
mike it through to life are born female, 
either internally or externally or both, 
The reason is either that they couldn't 
produce H-Y antigen or one of the three 
hormones it sets in motion or that they 
were insensitive to one or more of them. 
In other words, the target cells for these 
substances weren't equipped with the 
receptors—or special receiving stations— 
that are necessary for them to be effective. 
The sex hormones could not enter the 
cells and start the machinery that 
switches their genes the required 
masculine direction. 

So much for the differences between 
the male and female sexual and repro- 
ductive organs. The important thing to 
remember is that—in the male's case, at 
any rate—genetic sex is no guarantee of 
nything. It is the hormones produced 
by the testicles that do the work. What 
the hormones produced by the ovaries 
do is, again, much less cl 

. 

Focus Four. Meanwhile, in Another 

Part of the Forest 

Vou may not like rats. But they are 
important to science. And in order to 
investigate just what effect the sex hor- 
mones have on the brain, and on sex 
typ activities, d s and beha 
in humans, science has to start with the 
rat Rats are cheap. They reproduce 
quickly. They are casy to manipulate. 
And, in a number of recently discovered 
ways, they are е ke humans. Young 
male rats, for 
male infants—are more playful, more 
rough-and-tumble than young female 
rats. Adult males, too, have different 
abilities from adult females. Females arc 
better at certain kinds of learning and 
theyre more adventurous in the open. 
But males are better at figuring out 
mazes—just as human males аге. That 
requires visual and spatial skills that аге 
likely to be located in the rat's right 
hemisphere—as it is, again, in humans. 
Marian Diamond of the University of 
at Berkeley has recently found 
that the surface of the female rat's left 
hemisphere is slightly thicker than the 
male's, while the back of the male's right 
hemisphere is significantly thicker than 
the female's. That is exactly what one 
would expect to find in humans, though 
no onc І! found it. For in humans, 
females have greater language skills— 
in the left hemisphere. And males have 
greater visual and spatial skills—at the 
back of the right hemispher 
That may not scem like much— 
especially to а snooty lord of creation 
like yourselt. But for our purposes, it 
means a great deal. For all of these 
nd attributes in rats can bc 
| in a masculine or fem 
direction, by the presence or absence of 


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232 


hormones during the rats’ so-called 
critical period—the stage of develop- 
ment during which the sex hormones 
organize maleness and femaleness. This 
critical period in rats is a short one and 
its time span stretches from before to 
after birth. In humans, of course, the 
critical period is much longer. But it is 
probably all before birth. 

Roger Gorski of the University of 
California at Los Angeles lias done pio- 
neering work on the effects on the brain 
ol the sex hormones during that critical 
period. "We've known for a long time,” 
he says when we visit his laboratory at 
UCLA, "that if we give male hormon 
to female rats during this period. they 
will neither ovulate nor behave sexually 
like normal adult females. If, as adults, 
they're later given testosterone, they'll 
behave sexually as males. The reverse is 
also tue. Deprive a male rat of male 
hormones and later give it estrogen, and 
it will behave sexually like a female. It. 
will proffer itself and arch its back in 
the female posture we call lordosis. 
hese changes, I originally thought, 
were probably due to some altered re- 
sponsivencss of the system to hormones. 
1 thought it unlikely that any structural 
differences would be found in the brains 
of male and female rats that might ac- 
count for them. But then various things 
happened. First, Günter. Dórner found 


differences in the nuclear size of ner 
cells in the hypothalamus. "Then. a Br 
ish and ап American group found dif- 
ferences in the interconnections between 
nerve cells. And then, ndo Notte- 
bohm of The Rockefeller University 
found major differences in the brains of 
songbirds. That really set us looking.” 


In 1976, Nottebohm and Arthur 
Arnold—now a colleague of Gorski's at 
UCLA—announced that they'd found 


two gaggles of nerve cells in the brains 
of canaries that were three and four 
times larger in the male than in the fe- 
male. It’s the male canary, not the fe- 
male, that sings. Noucbohm and Arnold 
showed that these centers were responsi- 
ble for the male song, which is both 
learned and lefthemisphere dominant, 
as is human language. They also showed 
that the sex hormones were dramatically 
involved in the formation of these cen- 
ters and in song itself. For when adult 
female canaries were given testosterone, 
not only did their two centers grow, 
they also started—falteringly—to sing. 
Here, then, was the first real connec- 
tion Jinking the sex hormones, behavior 
and brain structure. And ir led Notte- 
bohm—a cowtly, softspoken. man—to 
predict two things: first, that whenever 
the male and female of a species differ 
in the development of а skill, a corre- 
spondingly greater or smaller amount of 
brain space will be given over to the 


neural organization of that skill; and 
second. that that skill and the brain 
space allotted to it will be dictated by 


the sex hormones. 
That was enough for Gorski and his 
co-workers. They quickly went hunting 


for a similar gaggle of cells—or nu- 
dleus—in an area of the rat hypot 
amus that they knew to be involved in 
the regulation of reproduction. It wasn't 
long before they found what they were 
after. “We, too, discovered a nucleus,” 
says Gorski. "We call it the sexually 
dimorphic nucleus, and it is larger—five 
to seven times larger—in the male than 
it is in the female. We couldn't alter 
this difference by manipulating hormone 
levels in 
by manipulating them during the rat's 
critical period, at around the time of 
birth. Females that we masculinized dur- 
ing this time had a much larger nucleus 
than normal females. And castrated 
males had a much smaller nucleus t 
normal males. The size of the nucleus, in 
other words—just like adult sexual be- 
havior—depends on the hormonal 
vironment to which the brain is exposed 
during the critical period. And this seems 
to be true even when it's taken out of 
the brain. Dominique Toran-Allerand, 
working with fetal mice at Columbia 
University, has put the general region 
that contains this center into culture in 
the lab. She's found that it develops 


idulthood. But we could do so 


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differently depending on whether or not 
masculinizing hormones are present. 
“The genetic sex of the tissue, like the 
Gorski says 
"is immaterial. It is the 
sex hormones that are important.” 
Whether the sex hormones and 
Gorski's nucleus are, between them, 
responsible for the other sex-typical be- 
haviors of male and female rats is not 
yet known. But more and more connec- 
tions are now being made between the 
sex hormones, brain and behavior. Bruce 
McEwen of The Rockefeller University 
has discovered sex-hormone receptors 
during the critical period in precisely 
those areas of rat brain that are thought 
to organize differences in behavior other 


learning and so on. And what Gorski 
has found in rats and Nottebohm and 
Arnold have found in birds, a tall, mus- 
tached scientist named Robert Goy has 
begun to find in a species much closer 
to us: rhesus monkeys. 

When you walk down the corridors of 
the Regional Primate Research Center 
at the University of Wisconsin in Madi- 
son, the first thing that strikes you is 
that rhesus monkeys are indeed a lot like 
ourselves. Their features are in the right 
places. They're outgoing and energetic 
And they're socially complex—playing 
with one another, dominating one an- 
other and all too ready to demote or 
ostracize a member of the troop if he or 
she doesn't come up to snuff. The in- 
fants are especially attractive. Housed 
on the fifth floor in groups with five or 
six mothers, the young monkeys carcen 
around their cages noisily, leaping from 
foothold to handhold, stopping only to 
romp briefly together and mount both 
one another and their mothers in a 
sociable pantomime of scx. 

It took Goy five years to find a way 
of housing his rhesus monkeys in socially 
unstressful conditions like the ones 
they're in today—conditions more or less 
like those of the wild, in which their 
behavior would be natural. Even so, he 
found it virtually impossible to 
study the effects of sex hormones on 
adult sexual behavior, as Gorski has 
done in rats and Goy himself has done 
in guinea pigs. “There are too many 
social variables that we know little about 
and would have to take into account,” 
he says. 

What he has been able to study, 
though, is the effects of hormones on 
various sorts of sex-typical behavior. 
“We've done some work on dominance, 
for example,” he says in his office across 
the road from the cente ales usually 
occupy the dominant position in a troop. 
But we've shown that females whose 
mothers were given testosterone during 
pregnancy are much more likely to be 
the dominant members іп a mixed troop, 
as adults, than are other females. This 


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237 


PLAYBOY 


effect of prenatal testosterone—I'm just 
now beginning to work on estrogen 
ellects—can also be seen in the way 
hd juveniles interact. And that's 
ainly been working on. 
"There are four main ways in which 
young male rhesuses differ in their be- 
havior from females. They initiate play 
more often. They roughhouse more 
often. They mount their peers—of both 
sexes—more often. And they mount their 
mothers more often than females do. 
"We can, however, produce a male- 
typical frequency of all these behaviors 
in young females if we give their preg- 
nant mothers thigh injections of testos- 
terone or dihydrotestosterone for vari 
periods of time during the 


period of development—which is before 
birth. These females will play rough 
and so on. And many of them will be 
born with masculinized  genitalia— 
theres clearly а с prenatal hor- 
monal period for that. 

“But there's also a critical period— 
much longer and much harder to de- 
fine—for the acquisition of these sex- 
specific behaviors under the influence of 
the hormones. And what's so interesting 
is that they don't all come in опе 
bundle. We can separate them. We can 
give androgen s for quite a 
short рн ample, and 
females will mount their mothers much 
more often—but not their peers. Peer 
mounting, in turn, can be separated 


THE HORMONAL 
INHERITANCE 


If you want to live a long life. you 
should make sure that you're born a 
woman. Or—if born a man—you 
should have your testicles removed as 
carly as possible. In 1969, James В. 
Hamilton and Gordon E. Mestler of 
the Downstate Medical Center і 
Brooklyn showed that only cast 
men—on average—live as long as 
women. But for every vear after birth 

ion is delayed. there is a 
ng shrink in lifespan of 
about three months and 11 days. 

All of that is the work of the sex 
hormones. The testicl the main 
production sites for androgens, the 
male sex hormones—made, like estro- 
gens, the female sex hormones. from 
the two thirds of а pound of choles- 
terol in your body. (Yes, you can't do 
without ше dreaded cholesterol—its 
the father and mother of all. your 
steroid hormones and one of the most 
important building blocks in the wall 

ound each one of your cells) 
Neither the women nor the castrated 
men have testicles. Result? Low levels 
of those hormones and longer lives. 

The male sex hormones are first 
deployed in your body—if you're a 
man—under instructions from your 
Y, or male, chromosome. And if you 
think that your shorter life expect- 
ancy is too much to lay at the door of 
these substances. then consider this: 
Even if you're born with as many as 
four X, or female, chromosomes—but 
with your Y in place—you're still 
recognizably a man. But if something 
has gone wrong in the womb with 
your production of, or responsiveness 
to, those hormones, then at birth, 
you'll be either internally or exter- 
nally female—or both. A small de- 


gree of insensitivity to the hormones 
will give you, in later life, enlarged 
breasts or a smaller than normal 
penis. It will protect you from acne 
or make you infertile. 

Being a male, in other words, is a 
tricky, hitormiss _ business—many 
more males than females 
ceived and then sponiancously 
ed. And it is all to do with the m 
sex hormones. Pur the main male sex 
hormone, testosterone, on the m 
and female buds of a flowering plant, 
for example, and only the male buds 
will flower. Put newly hatched gold- 
fish in water treated with small 
amounts of testosterone, and they'll 
all become male. 

Exactly what roles testosterone and 
its relatives play in the sex life of the 
human male is not yet dear. But 
in times of stress and defeat. there 
are lower levels of testosterone—and 
a flagging appetite for sex. Hair, 
prompted by testosterone, seems to 
grow [aster in men in anticipation 
Of sex. And as long ago as 1889, a 
72-year-old scientist took extracts 
containing testosterone [rom male 
nimals and pronounced himself 
much reinvigorated as a result. 

Perhaps the most important role 
of these hormones, though. is in mak- 
ing you male in the first place. For 
they are—in the womb—the chief 
actors in a drama as old as mankind 
itscl. In this drama, it is not m 
who comes first, but Eve. It is not 
Eve who is made from Adam's rib, 
but Adam—the “unnatural” form of 
the human—who is superimposed on 
her by the action of the hormones. 

—JO DURDEN-SMITH AND 
DIANE DESIMONE 


from play behavior. And finally, the 
mounting of male vs. female peers can 
also be separated out. Incredibly, we've 
exposed male fetuses to additional male 
hormones for a really short time in early 
pregnancy, and we've recently found 
that they'll mount only female peers. No 
other male behavior is affected. 
his suggests—in these primates, at 
any rate—that the individual bits and 
pieces of behavior that make up mas- 
culinity are separately controlled by the 
sex hormones over time. Masculinization, 
in other words, is a slow. iffy, compli- 
cated, moreorless process; you get 
toothand claw males and you get less 
masculine ones. This doesn't seem to be 
true of feminization. Our altered. fe- 
males may be culinized. but they are 
not defeminized. In fact. there are no 
feminine traits that we can identify and 
then suppress by exposing the fetus to 
hormones. And furthermore, there are 
no feminine behaviors that not com- 
mon to both sexes. Males—and our 
altered [emales—are, in other words, 
simply females who've had a male pattern 
superimposed on them. Their female- 
ness remains—much, much better pro- 
tected by nature than maleness. In males, 
nature can afford a wide tion. But 
females bear children, and nature needs 
every one of them she can get." 
. 

Focus Five. Men, Women and the Sex 

Hormones: Coming Full Circle 

How can one argue from rats, birds 
and monkeys to humans? "One can't," 
say some scientists. “One can," others 
say cautiously—believing, above all, in 
the economy of nature. They point to 
the litle we know about humans 
from the accidents of nature and the 
mistakes of man. They point, inevitably, 
-H. women. 


men, we come full 
to take the results of work done 
animals back into the human 
nter Dorner has done. 
stands for congenital adrenal 
hyperplasia, а disorder of the adrenal 
nds, which are responsible for our 
ns to stress, among other things. 
In individuals with C.A.H., something 
gone wrong—starting in the womb— 
with production of the adrenal cortex’ 
in hormone, cortisol. Instead, during 
the human critical period, as the fetus is 
developing, large quantities of testos- 
terone are produced. 
that has little obvious effect, 


with 
brain, as 
CAH. 


gree or another—their external g 
as in Goy’s monkeys. These d 
condition is usually recognized in early 
infancy. The baby girls are surgically al- 
y—and are thereafter 
given cortisone-replacement treatment. 
Their behavior. though, has already 
been pushed 
and that isn’t alterable by surgery or 
cortisone treatment, however soon after 


tered—if necess; 


n a masculine direction— 


Он 
WAT 
FEEHING 


PLAYBOY 


240 ег or 


birth those are applied. The male hor- 
none, in other words, has had its effect 
on behavior before birth. as in Goy's 
monkeys. And after birth, the effect can 
be measured. According to a series of 
studies begun by John Money of Johns 
Hopkins University and Anke A. Ehr- 
hardt, now at Columbia University and 
New York State Psychiatric Institute, 
C.A.H. girls are more tomboyish than 
their female peers. They're athletic and 
highly energetic. They prefer boys as 
playmates. And they are quick to involve 
themselves in organized, competitive 
group sports. In Money's words, “They 
join in boys neighborhood football. 
baseball and/or basketball games, often 
as the only girl 

Some of this behavior has been ex- 
plained by saying that C.A.H. girls ex- 
pend energy in a way that has been 
masculinized—males, and maybe C.A.H. 
females, have bigger lungs and hearts 
ad a higher oxygen consumption than 
normal females. But there are other dif- 
ferences that can't be explained this 
way: C.A.H. girls prefer юу guns and 
cars to dolls; they prefer functional to 


traditionally feminine clothing; they 
prefer playing cowboys and Indians to 
playing house and  career-rehearsal 


games to fantasizing about marriage and 
infant care. They show little enthusi- 
m for babies and little interest in 
stereotypical girl’ activities. Thei 
puberty is often later than other girls" 
though nade normal because of the 
cortisone treatment. And they don't be- 
come as quickly attracted to the idea of 
romance and dating with the opposite 
sex. Later in life, С.А.Н. women seem to 
be attracted, in some degree, to other 
women, just as they would be if they 
were normal males. As а group, they 
may show a higher incidence than is 
istically usual of bisexuality and even 
homosexuality—if not in practice then, 
any rate, in erotic fancy. 
All of that is vividly reminiscent not 
only of Goys monkeys but also of 
Сог! rats. But: "Look" says Ehr- 
hardt in the cafeteria of the New York 
State Psychiatric Institute, “we have to 
be extremely cautious about this. І find 
the jump that Günter Dörner makes 
from animals to humans absolutely un- 
acceptable. These things. after all, are 
just trends. They're not found in every 
individual. And in the case of bisexu: 


ity 


and what may be bisexual and homo- 
sexual impulses, we don't even know if 
these are any more common in С.А.Н. 
women than in the rest of the popula- 
tion. We don’t know enough. You sce, 
this is so hard for people to understand. 
They think in terms of а hard-and-fast 
distinction between what is biologically 
determined and what is socially deter- 
ed—nature vs. nurture. And these 
things must interact, How one behaves, 
after all, depends a great deal on wheth- 
not one’s behavior is frowned on. 


Well homosexuality and bisexuality 
aren't as frowned on as they once were. 
And so we find these incli 
A.H. women, just as we might find 
them in any sampling of women as a 
whole. As for tomboyism—well, yes, i 
truc that C.A.H. girls are significantly 
more tomboyish than a population of 
girls matched for age, background and 
so on. But one, tomboyism is perfectly 
socially acceptable in this society. And 
two, not every C.A.H. girl is а tomboy. 
It is not biologically guaranteed. 
Ehrhardt, professor of clinical psy- 
chology at Columbia. is a very careful 
scientist. A precise, smiling woman in 
her 40s. she's well aware of the contro- 
versy that surrounds her field. She’: 
quick to maintain the importance of 
learning in humans, and she discoun- 
tenances any idea that our sexual and 
rs can be dictated by the 
n the womb. 
Nevertheless, for more than a decade 
now, Ehrhardt has been investigating— 
most recently with Heino Meyer-Bahl- 
burg—just what effects this environ- 
ment may have. Besides looking at 
C.A.H. individuals, she has also studied 
an entirely different population—chil 
dren whose mothers were given hor- 
mones to maintain their pregnancies. 
Some of those hormones were estrogens— 
hormones related to estradiol—given 
either in a natural form or in a synthetic 
version such as diethylstilbestrol (DES). 
And some belonged to a group ol 


hormones called progestogens. These 
hormones were, ain, either natural 
(animal derived) or synthetic (laboratory 


made). Some were progesterone-based 
and some were androgen-hased—dosely 
related to testosterone. 

As far as researchers can tell, the chil- 
dren born after their mothers were 
treated with those substances differ from. 
controls only in the circulating sex hor- 
mones they were exposed to the 
womb. Ehrhardt and Meyer-Bahlburg 
and groups headed by June Reinisch of 
Rutgers University and Richard Green of 
the State University of New York at 
Stony Brook, among others, have tried to 
tease out their effects on later behavior. 
The case is clearest for the progesto- 
gens. Girls exposed to androgen-based 
progestogens seem very similar to С.А.Н. 
girls—more tomboyish and energetic 
than usual and often born with subtly 
masculinized genitals. Boys also seem 
more energetic and aggressive than their 
peers—as С.А.Н. boys do. 

The reverse, however, seems to be 
true of progesterone-based progestogens, 
whether given alone or in comb 
with estrogens. "These hormones seem to 
have а slight demasculinizing effect. 
Boys exposed to them appear as a group 
10 be less aggressive and assertive than 
their peers. They show poorer athletic 
coordination and what one study calls 
"lowered mascul The pic- 


ture is similar in girls. They're also less 
energetic than usual and less verbally 
sive. They express a preference for 

rather than male— friends. And 
they show an increased interest in femi- 
nine clothing and hairdos, cosmetics and 
children. 


female- 


What does that mean for us as men 
and women? It may mean, as Goy says, 
that "sex hormones operating on the 
brain organize not merely sexual be- 
havior but also demeanor and 
orientation to social problems and their 
solutions" It may mean, as Ehrhardt 
says cautiously, that “а sort of pretuning 
takes place." 

Or it may mean somcthing more. It 
may mean that there really are such 
things as stercotypical male and female 
uitributes—amplified by society, to be 
sure, but organized in the brain before 
birth. They may include, in women, an 
instinctual drive toward motherhood. 
nd they may include female intuition, 
male visual and spatial skill and all the 
oth ties we discussed in the last 
installment, The Brain as Sex Organ. 
All of us—dilferently “masculine,” dif- 
ferently “feminine,” differently ambi- 
tious and intuitive and gifted—may be 
products not only of the environment 
but also of the subtle interplay, in the 
womb, between hormones and the devel- 
oping brain. If that is so, then we have 
litde hope of imposing € selves 
through education and upbringing any 
absolute equality of the sexes—any more 
than we can impose any absolute 
equality оп our sexual organs. All we 
сап do is wy to understand how nature 
works, as science tries to do. And under- 
stand the mechanisms by which she has 
tried to keep men and women as dif- 


ferent from—and necessary to—each 
other as possible. 
We may also have to rethink our 


whole attitude toward homosexuality. 
The day after our first Cambridge meet- 
ing with Dörner, we met him at the 
conference proper to talk with him 
about his presumption that homosexuals 
are born and not made. 

Well.” he says, “І saw 
they could be made homosexu 
prived of testosterone during the critical 
period of brain differentiation. And І 
had the idea that human male homo- 
sexuals might also have feminized brains 
the result—perhaps—of stress in their 
mothers. Stress causes the production of 
substances in the adrenal glands th: 
depress testosterone levels in the male 
fetus. In my laboratory, we've tested the 
effect this might have in three separate 
ways. First, we subjected rat mothers to 
stress and showed that their male ofl- 
spring had lower testosterone levels a 
birth and exhibited homosexual be- 
havior in adulthood—this has been con- 
firmed by two studies in Ame 
studies that I know of. We then checked 


two 


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PLAYBOY 


242 


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the population records to see if more 
human male homosexu: 
during the stressful period of World 
War II than were born either before or 
after it. And we found that thi 
At this point, we gave a number of pri 
mary male homosexuals an injection of 
estrogen, arguing that if their brain was 
indeed feminized, then it would respond 
as if to a signal from a nonexistent 
ovary—with a surge of ovulation-induc 
ing hormone. This is what happened 
And it did not happen in heterosexual 
or bisexual men. 

“As a result of this,” he says patiently 
aware of the people around him who do 
not agree with him, “and as a result of 
studies done in my laboratory going 
back to 1964. І am forced to conclude 
that male homosexuality is the result of 
a leminization of the hypothalamus, ac 
tivated—as far as sexual behavior is 
concerned—at puberty. | also believe 
that a similar but reverse process has 
occurred in lesbians and female-to-male 
transsexuals. A number of studies have 
shown that they have abnormal levels— 
at least im part—of testosterone and 
estradiol and a body build that is more 
masculine than usual.” 

In late 1981. three scientists associated. 
with the Allred C. Kinsey Institute for 
Sex Research at Indiana University pub- 
lished a report that supports Dorner's 
conviction. The report, the result of a 
major long-term study of male and fe- 
male homosexuals, announced that no 
psychological or environmental variables 
could be found to account for human 
homosexuality. Instead, said the re- 
searchers: “Homosexuality may arise 
1 precursor that parents 


s were born 


was so. 


from a biologi 
cannot control. 

Ehrhardt is still not impressed. "I 
think Dörner has too much riding on 
his theory,” she says. "The studies he 
refers to are inadequate. And until there 
is a series of well-designed. well-con 
trolled studies on humans. 1 will remain 
intensely skeptical of the view that learn- 
ing and the environment play only a 
small role in who people are and how 
they behave.” 

Gorski, however, isnt so sure. “І 
think.” he says carefully, “in the work 
Dürner's doing, he's taking a great step 
forward. And he could give us a solid 
answer as to whether or not there's а 
dependence on hormones in human sex- 
ual behavior. E think the verdict’s not in 
yet. But what he's sa 
ily provocative at every level. You know 
for example, that women in our society 
live longer than men, though it's still 
not clear why. Well, Dörner says that 
female rats also live longer and that 
male rats deprived of male hormones 
during their critical period live the same 
length of time as females. 


Маі... 
Ba 


ing is extraordinar 


“OK, sonny, y'wanna sell me a сат or not?” 


243 


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DATE THAT ROBOT 


hey came from outer space, from worlds in the future...to become 
legendary superstars right here in our galaxy. Yes, all of the remark- 
able robots pictured here haye appeared in major TV and movie pro- 
ductions during the past 55 years—but when? Can you guess in what order 
they made their stellar debuts on earth? 


Е 


Answers on page 246 


PLAYBOY 


MIALL WONDER 


(continued from page 124) 


“Му father was killed by the Mexican Mafia. He 


double-crossed somebody; they blew him away. 


ورو 


stayed with a second cousin—a woman 
I'd never met—for a couple of months. 


550 isn't enough to 
duction to the better class 


aurant in Woodland 
Hills but soon grew weary of serving 
patty melts to unemployed screenwriters. 
When her cousin decided to leave town 
and Linda had to move out, she was 


n. V 


home-free ag: t to do? 

“1 had been dating a young actor, who 
said I could move in with him. I'd never 
lived with a guy before, but there was 
no other choice," she recalls. 

She found herself living in North 
Hollywood with that young actor, who 
belonged to the legion of Thespians 
Who Can't Find Work. Linda would 
come home from a job, when she had 
one, to find him still lounging in his 


Answers to puzzle on poge 245. 


- Moria, fram Metropolis, 1927. 
. Unnamed robot from The Phantom 
Empire, 1935. 
3. Соп, from The Day the Earth 
Stood Still, 1951. 
4. Robby the Robot, from Forbidden 
Planet, 1956 
5. A Dalek, from the British TV 
series Doctor Who, which 
began in 1963. 


6. Unnamed robot fram Lost in Space, 
TV series that began in 1965. 

7. One of three identical robots, 
Huey, Dewey and Louie, fram 
Silent Running, 1972 

8. R2-D2, from Star Wars, 1977. 

9. ACyclan, from Battlestar 
Galactica, TV series that 
began in 1978. 


underwear. She decided to get out and 
spent the next day carrying her card- 
board suitcases toward Canoga Park. 

‘There was an elderly man there who 
wanted someone to show his house to 
prospective buyers. He offered Linda a 
place to stay in exchange for her giving 
an occasional tour of the home. She 
accepted without knowing there was al- 
ready another girl being kept there. 

The man was weird,” she says now. 
“He had sexual ideas. I was very naive 
and trusted everybody. In Ramona, 
where I grew up, you can do that. Pretty 
soon, I just felt I had to leave 

“I moved back to Ramona and found 
а good job in San Diego. I was feeling 


confident, so І called Pravaov. That's 
when everything started rolling." 
Linda Rhys Vaughn is now the 


Playmate of the Month, looking forward 
to the promotions entailed in the title, 
using the money she has already carned 
to move back to Los Angeles—into an 
apartment of her own. She plans to 
attend cinema school at the University 
of Southern California. She has thrown 
y the cardboard suitcase: 
"Тһе past year has made all the differ- 
ence in the world," she says. "Now I 
may get to act or to work behind the 
cameras. The parts Fd really like to 
play are like my centerfold—romantic 
iod pieces. My gatefold is almost Vic- 
It’s everything І wanted. The 
g is pure.” 
Carries a good-luck charm with 
her all the time. A turquoise-andsilver 
bear claw, it is both a talisman and a 
reminder of a father she hardly knew. 
~The bear claw is sacred to the Nava- 
ho. My father gave me this one before 
he died. He was killed by the Mexican 
. Nobody ever imagines a cowboy's 
into drugs, but he was. In the 
cowboys were just like everybody 
. Eventually, he got completel 
cowboying and into dr 
double-crossed somebody and they just 
blew him away. It affects me. І don't 
want to waste my life like that. 

“Бо 1 keep the bear claw. And some- 
times I get feelings” 

Maybe the touch of superstition is 
what has kept Linda moving forw: 
She still visits her mother's house in Ra- 
mona to ride her horses and wrestle with 
her two buoyant Saint Bernards. But she 
remembers pounding the pavement in 
LA., looking for a job or a friendly face, 
as the most important time in her li 

"Feclings are the important thing— 
to act on them. My mother told me that 
if you don't follow up on your dreams, 
you'll wind up desperate and {гизи 
Well, I've been able to make some of 
mine come true, It's better to go for 
to give a dream 100 percent, than to live 
your life kicking yourself for never hav. 
ing had the guts to try. 


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The networks use Scotch? Video Tape for the same reasons 
you should: true color and clarity. 


All three major networks use 
Scotch* Video Tape. Because 
they have to get the best 
picture possible. 

You can get true color and 

_ Clarity at home. too. With Scotch 
Beta or VHS Videocassettes. 
Heres why: 

We make video tape for home 
use just as carefully as the tape 
we make for the networks. It's not 
exactly the same. For one thing, 
network tape is wider. But we 
start with the same basic ferric 


oxide particles. It's made by 
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We apply this kind of state- 
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Эа 


рў Та O CA SES Ца E © 


VON 


AYB 


GEAR 


ON WITH THE STOW! 


his may be an electronic age of Aquarius we're living 
in, but all that eye- and ear-boggling equipment 
spilling from the shelves of audio/video shops has 
spawned another problem. What do you do with the 
cassettes and cartridges that seem to collect around your 
gear like iron filings on a magnet? Fortunately, the same 


Clockwise from 12; If you're looking for a cassette-storage unit that can 
be wall-mounted or stashed on a bookshelf, check out The Organizer, a 
wood-grained unit that holds 60 audio tapes, by Hartzell 
Custom Products, $21.95. It sits atop Sony's CK-70 
audio-tape storage center that holds 70 cassettes, about 
$50. To the right of the CK-70 is a Model 680 video-lape 
cabinet with а carrousel base that holds 20 Beta or VHS 
cassettes, by Kustom Kreations, $39.95. Next, ап ACS-36 
unit with three drawers that hold up to 36 audio cas- 
settes, $22, and a larger-size VHC-30 (also with three 
drawers) that holds up to 30 VHS cassettes, $60, both by 


question has occurred to a number of manufacturers and 
the result is a proliferation of good-looking cabinetwork 
for keeping software nearby but out of sight. Some storage 
facilities are stationary, others pivot on a base; and there's 
а leather cassette. wallet, too; for taking sounds out of 
the cabinet and on the road. Let's hear it for neatness. 


TEAC. Down front is an eel- and pigskin leather wallet that holds 12 
audio cassettes, from Protone Industries, Sun Valley, California, $54.95. 
Beside it, a high-impact plastic storage 
file for 32 audio cassettes, from 
J.C. Penney, about $22; and а hard- 
wood cabinet for 12 video cassettes, 
from The Sharper Image, San Fran- 
cisco, $79. Last, a Model 670 swivel 
cabinet for 40 audio cassettes or eight- 
tracks, by Kustom Kreations, $29.95. 


“Come to think of it, 
МІ have a Heineken? 


FASHION 
SHORTS CIRCUIT 


es, Clark Gable took off his sl 
reveal bare skin in the film It Happened One Night 
and suddenly every guy in the country went under- 
shirtless overnight. Now we have female reporters in 
the locker room and—guess what?—the men’s underwear 
market has responded with drawers full of styles that are 
so good-looking we may all become male strippers. Further- 


ы 
Е 
i] 
Е 
v 


Talk about muscling in on a good thin; 


! This guy's briefs statement begins, above, with Elance cotton briefs, by Jockey, $10.50 for three 
story continues, below left to right, with a pair of silk boxer shorts, from Ora Feder Pour Homme, 


more, just as today's trousers range from skintight jeans to 
double-pleated slacks, so underwear is broadening out with 
looks that stretch from biki iefs to full-cut boxers. Inter- 
esting colors, patterns and fabrics (knits for the shorter 
briefs; wovens for the full cuts) further underscore the 
desire to look your very best—even when caught with your 
pants down. —DAVID PLATT 


. His shorts 
is, by B.VDD., $4.50; 
ian Dior Sous-Vétement, $11. 


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STYLE 


MORE THAN JUST A GOOD TIME 


eset your thinking, guys, if your watch is still just pay- 
ing homage to Father Time. With the invention of 
microchip circuitry, you can now tote a timepiece 
that whistles Dixie or announces the hour in a soft, 
clear voice or lets you set ‘em up in the other alley for a mini 
bowling match or repel hordes of alien space attackers— 
all right on your wrist. Many watches, in fact, 


Below: The dual-dialed Citizen Digi-Ana 
Combo watch combines a chronograph and 
countdown alarm with a digital readout, 
by Citizen Watch, $195. Right: Just press 
а tiny button on the Omni Voice Master 
and it announces the hour of the day in 
minutes and seconds—or set the alarm and 
let it try to talk you out of bed, from Per- 
sonal Electronics, New York, about $100. 


Above: Skip the 
crowded arcade 
and play Missile 
Strike, Alien Assault, 
Firing Squad or Blast 
Away right on Game-Time, a clever 

wrist watch, by General Consumer Electronics, 
about $40. (Of course, it tells time, too.) 


mix their blessings by offering a variety of functions from 
scorekeeper to clock-watching nudge—all in one pack- 
age. (The Omni Voice Master will urge you to "please 
hurry" every five minutes if you ignore its alarm.) Best 
of all, you don't need to stick up a bank or take out a 
second mortgage to pay for one of these little wonders, 
as all those pictured here clock in at less than $200. Bong! 


Below: The Casio АХ-510 includes 
analog/digital time displays, a stop watch 
and an automatic calendar prepro 
grammed to the year 2029 with a daily 
alarm that plays your choice of Dixie, My 
Darling Clementine or Greensleeves, 
$79.95. Who could ask for anything more? 


Above and left: On your next flight, 
while away the hours with Tomy- 
tronic Wrist Bowling, a game incor- 
porated into this watch, from Tomy, 
Carson, California, about $40; or 
repel attackers on a Nelsonic Video 
Game watch, from M. Z. Berger, $40. 


253 


254 


Woman for All Seasons 

Here's a quick peek at perfection. RAQUEL WELCH feels as good as she looks 
after a successful run subbing for Lauren Bacall on Broadway last winter. The 
audience loved her, the critics weren't cruel and with husband, ANDRE, in tow, 
Raquel felt confident enough to let one of her concealed assets emerge. 


Wet and Wild 

She's Constance, the bitch, on Flamingo Road, and she's naked as a jay bird in this 
bathtub scene from her movie, The Seduction, co-starring Andrew Stevens and 
Michael Sarrazin. MORGAN FAIRCHILD’ is the celebrity breast of the month. 


Pickin' and Grinnin' 

By the time you read this, RICHARD PRYOR's new con- 
cert film should be playing at a theater near you, and 
that's good news for those of us who think he's at his best 
playing himself. Pryor prepared for the film by wo 
out new material in clubs in L.A. Here's а demonstr: 
of how he saved the family jewels from the fire. 


Melody in Harmony 

MELODY THOMAS is a shady lady on the TV soap The Young and 
the Restless. She had some steamy scenes with former First Son 
Steven Ford, who played bartender to her stripper. Acting since she 
was seven, Thomas has appeared in movies, TV and is a classically 
trained pianist, She can play with us any time. 


Mighty Oakes 
. RANDI OAKES co-stars in NBC-TV’s CHiPs. We think she’s a lot cuter 
‘than Erik Estrada. Poised here for a Battle of the Network Stars compe- 
tition, Oakes made us forget about the score. Even if she didn't win, 
we're awfully glad she showed. 


lí the Pants Fit, 
Wear 'Em 
iod knows, he tried, but ROD 
STEWART's network-TV 
concert didn't measure up 
to the Stones’ night of 
cable glory. He did pick 

up some new under- 

wear but had noth- 

ing sexy to putinit. 


Black Magic 
No polkas from GRACE JONES 
The queen of S/M rock is as in 
terested in effect as she isin music. 
So just when you'd expect. her to 
slap on the handcuffs, out 
pops the accordion. For 
2 the price of a ticket, 
/ Jones redefines 
your idea of 
a concert. 


255 


MARKET REPORT: 
BARE-ISH 


We thought we had a fairly. well- 
rounded portfolio until we opened The 
Wall Street Journal to find that the 
American Stock Exchange was touting 
a brand-new listing: “FrdHly” was sell- 
ing at a brisk 1234 per share. An Amex- 
placed ad on the listings page cleared 
up the mysterious designation. It was 
our old friend Frederick's of Hollywood 
going, well, public. 

FrdHly, up until now, has been sell- 
ing over the counter, so to speak. But 
with 136 boutiques in 33 states and the 
world-famous Frederick's catalog busi- 
ness booming, it was clearly ripe for 
the big time. If you've. been out of 
town the last few decades, you won't 
know that Frederick's is a manufacturer 
of imaginative lingerie, sportswear, 
dresses and what the trade calls foun- 
dation garments. The line includes 
dive-bomber décolletage, maximum- 
freedom panties, ersatz body parts and 
push-up, push-out, squeeze-together 
and quick-release brassieres. 

A call to Frederick's headquarters 
revealed the strategy behind the move: 
first, to attract investors to the 
$39,000,000 business; second, to gain 
the prestige needed to move into more 
shopping malls. FrdHly, you see, is 
testing the idea of a chain of stores 
dubbed Private Moments, featuring 
"moderate to higher-priced" designer 
labels such as Halston, Dior, Lisanne, 
Vassarette and Vanity Fair. 

But are unmentionables a good in- 
vestment? We called our local E. F. 
Hutton and cupped our ears. Unfamiliar 
with the new issue, the all-business 
broker there deadpanned, "Well, the 
apparel business is cyclical. It goes up 
and it goes down. Something will catch. 
on one year and it'll be gone the next, 
like designer jeans. It seerns to be sell- 

ing at about the right price now but 
could easily go to 16. But before 
I could say yes or no, I'd have 
to study the prospectus— 


SEX NEWS 


and, naturally, you'd have to look at 
the product.” 

Well, E. F. Hutton can take all the 
time it wants. We know а glamor stock 
when we see one. 


BEYOND THE VALLEY 
OF THE SEXUAL 
DOUBLE-ENTENDRE 


No one ever accused rock ‘n’ roll of 
showing good taste or, for that matter, 
restraint. A few years ago, the words 
salacious, perverted and devilish were 


Samples, band member Dini Lamot 
and TV figure Elvira, Mistress of the 
Dark—awarded prizes for the best- 
costumed members of the audience. 
The prizes? A “Human Sexual Week- 
end” at Hollywood’s Tropicana Motel 
and an evening at a private club. 

What do they sing about? (They do 
sing.) Sex. In sort of a Rhetoric 101 
final-essay vernacular. Perhaps their 
movement has reached its apex with 
the song. What Sex Means to Me, a 
slightly paranoid homage to sex and 
decadence on their Passport album 
Figure 14. 

We're not sure where they're head- 
ed, but we thought you should be 
warned. It could be that this is merely 


E'S ANGELS. 


А. ACE BURGESS [A 


regularly tossed around in conjunction 
with the medium. Now, as our Rea- 
ganized (rhymes with agonized) culture 
tums its clock hands backward, the 
Boston rock group Human Sexual Re- 
sponse is trying to bring back an old 
American tradition—Rock ‘n’ Roll 
“п” Rebellion. And bless their souls, 
they're dispensing sexual themes. 

Take, for instance, their public per- 
formances. Above right is a shot of the 
group attired, so to speak, for a Los 
Angeles appearance last fall. Is this the. 
sort of thing that's going to get them a 
prime-time sitcom? At the same func- 
tion, a panel of judges shown above— 
Pasadena's KROQ-FM radio personality 
Raymond Banister, nudie star Candy 


For April Fools" Day, 
we found a porcine 
send-up of your favor- 
ite magazine, com- 
plete Pig Head 
logo, a Littermate and 
the “Playboar Inter- 
view.” In real life, 
Playboar is a Canadian 
trade journal for hog 
farmers. We can as- 
sume it tickles their 
ribs, but, quite frank- 
ly, it isn’t exactly 
hog heaven to us. 


what happens to Eastern preppies 
when they arrive in Lotusland. 


MUTATE OR DIE: 
GONORRHEA FACTS 


In recent years, science has waged a 
war of attrition against gonorrhea. Anti- 
biotics have become the first and only 
line of defense, but every time scien- 
tists come up with something new to 
blast at it, gonorrhea has an uncanny 
knack for developing new strains that 
resist the cure. In recent years, the 
most effective agent against penicillin- 
resistant gonorrhea has been spec- 
tinomycin. 

Now comes Claforan, with a new set 
of credentials and a clean bill of health 
from the Food and Drug Administra- 
tion. Administered with one shot, the 
antibiotic provides a 24-hour cure 
for gonorrhea, including the resistant 
strains. So far, it’s been shown to be 
100 percent effective. Among its other 
advantages, “СІабогап is generally well 
tolerated," reads the FDA-approved de- 
scription of the drug—a virtual gush, 
coming from that agency. Spectino- 
mycin, on the other hand, causes dis- 
comforts, including nausea, dizziness, 
fever, insomnia and rashes, not com- 
monly reported as Claforan side effects. 
Now, if Claforan can beat the next 
gonorrhea mutations, its manufac- 
turers just may have something. [у | 


MAXELL IS PLEASED TO PRESENT AN 
EVEN HIGHER PERFORMANCE TAPE. 


If youre familiar with Maxell UD-XL tapes you probably find it hard to believe that any 
tape could give you higher performance. 

But hearing is believing. And while wecant play our newesttape for you right here on 
this page, we can replay the comments of Audio Video Magazine. 

“Those who thought it was impossible to improve on Maxells UD-XLII were mistaken. 
The 1981 tape of the year award goesto Maxell XL 1-5” 

How does nae bias XL II-S and our normal bias equivalent XL I.S give you such high 
performance? By engineering smaller and more uniformly shaped epitaxial oxide parti- 
cles we were able to pack more into a given area of tape. Resulting ina higher maximum 
output level, improved Барака ratio and better frequency DEDE 

‘To keep the particles from rubbing off on your recording heads Maxell XL-S also has 


animproved binder system. Andto eliminatetapedeforma- g 
tion, XL-S comes with our unique Quin-Lok Clamp/Hub maxell 
Assembly to hold the leader firmly in place. 

Ofcourse, Maxell XLII-S and XL IS carry alittle higher 
price tag than lesser cassettes. 


We think you'll find ita small price to pay for high: г 
ch Tu ind ita small priceto pay for higher К IT’S WORTH IHE" 


257 


PLAYBOY 


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Visa or MasterCard, including all numbers a 


251-8600. Tennessee residents call 615-759-7184 


DESIGNER SHEETS 
elegant, sensuous, delightful 


Satin Sheets 


Order Direct from Manufacturer 
Machine washable: 10 colors: Black, 
Royal Blue, Brown, Burgundy, Bone, 
Cinnamon, Lt. Blue, Mauve Mist, Navy, 
Red. Set includes: 1 flat sheet, 1 
fitted sheet, 2 matching pillowcases, 


Twin Set .. $29.00 Queen Set $46.00 
Full Set _ $39.00 King Set . $53.00 
3 letter monogram on 2 cases - $4.00 

Add $2.50 for postage & handling. 
Immediate shipping on Money Orders 
and Credit Cards: American Express, 
Visa and Mastercharge accepted. In- 
clude Signature, Account Number & 

Expiration Date. Checks accepted. 

HOT LINE NUMBER! 
Call 201-222-2211 

T amours a Day, 7 Days a Week 

& N.Y. Residents add Sales Tax. 


Royal Creations, Ltd. 


Opt [ЭЁ 350 Fifth nve. (2308) New York, NY 10001 


NEXT MONTH 


REAL MEN POLICEWOMAN 


SMARTEST SPY 


“THERE ARE NO SNAKES IN IRELAND” —RAM LAL, THE VICTIM 
OF AN ULSTER BULLY, EXACTS HIS OWN PECULIAR REVENGE. A 
CHILLING TALE BY FREDERICK FORSYTH 


“THE SMARTEST SPY'"—YOU MAY NEVER HAVE HEARD OF 
BOBBY RAY INMAN, DEPUTY DIRECTOR OF THE CIA. LEARN WHY 
MANY OF HIS COLLEAGUES DON'T LIKE HIM, AND WHY YOU 
SHOULD, IN THIS REVEALING PROFILE—BY ROBERT SAM ANSON 


BILLY JOEL, WHO HAS GONE FROM HICKSVILLE TO HITSVILLE AS 
ONE OF AMERICA'S TOP POP STARS, TALKS ABOUT HIS LIFE, HIS 
MUSIC AND HIS FEUDS WITH THE PRESS IN A NOTEWORTHY 
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW 


“THE BEST LITTLE BOONDOGGLE IN HOLLYWOOD"-—IT 
ALL STARTED AS A PLAYBOY PIECE; THEN IT BECAME A BROAD- 
WAY MUSICAL. BUT THE BURT REYNOLDS—DOLLY PARTON 
MOVIE VERSION OF KING'S BEST LITTLE WHOREHOUSE IN TEXAS. 
MAY BE ONE FLICK KING WILL МІ55--Ву LARRY L. KING 


*POLICEWOMAN'"'—A LADY COP FROM THE MIDWEST DOFFS 
HER BADGE (AND A LOT MORE) IN AN EYE-OPENING PICTORIAL 


“REAL MEN DON'T EAT QUICHE"'—HAVING TROUBLE FINDING 
YOURSELF ІМ THIS POST—ALAN ALDA WORLD? SOME GUIDELINES 
FOR THE MODERN MALE—BY BRUCE FEIRSTEIN 


“THE GIRLS OF JAPAN"—IN WHICH PLAYBOY'S INTREPID 
PHOTO STAFF LIFTS SOME OF THE VEILS FROM THE MYSTERIOUS 
EAST. EIGHT PAGES OF NIPPON'S BEAUTIES 


“POPPA SUPERDUDE"—IF YOU'RE AN AGING D.J. TRYING TO 
REKINDLE AN OLD FLAME. MAKE SURE YOUR POWDER'S DRY. A 
WRY VIGNETTE BY JOHN CLAYTON 


“THE YEAR IN MOVIES"—A REPRISE OF THE GOOD, THE BAD 
AND THE UGLY OF '81, PLUS PLAYBOY'S ALTERNATIVE OSCARS 


The Spirit of America 


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Wyoming Winter by Dick Durrance 


Somewhere west of Laramie, men still ride 
from dawn ‘til dusk. And settle down to a shot of Bourbon 2 
against the chill of the night. Old Grand-Dad still makes that ша 
Bourbon, the only truly American whiskey, just as 
we did 100 years ago. Its the spirit of America. 


Old Grand-Dad 


‘Kentucky Straigni Bourbon Whuskey 86 Proof. Olé Grand-Dad Orsillery Co, Frankfort, KY 40600 


Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined 
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health. 


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G mg аг: 11 mg nicotine av. per cigarette, FIC Report Mar'BT — * ECT таз 
v MUS V FE а А Т сым