PLAYBOY

THE WOMEN JULIE

OF PLAYBOY a ANDREWS &
BLAKE
EDWARDS
New
Erica Jong Fiction
Defines the from Arthur
Perfect Man C. Clarke,
George V.
Higgins and
Paul Theroux

WITH ENOUGH

SHOVELS
w^ т” AP M

-

[aia Ahristmas Wegue

HERES TO THE RIGHT STUFF
AND THOSE WHO HAVE IT.

Before Chuck Yeager turned 22, he showed
the world what he was made of by shooting
— down thirteen enemy planes in World War Il.

Five in one day.

But it wasn't until after the war, when
still only 24, that Yeager began to tackle an
even more dangerous adversary: the untested
limits of space.

He went on to become the first man to
break the sound barrier, the first to travel at
more than twice that speed (over 1600 mph]
and oncof the first pilots to reach the edge of
space, taking a plane above 100,000 feet.

If theres ever been anyone who had

"the right stuff”, it’s Chuck Yeager.

Especially when itcomes

to the Scotch hedrinks:
Cutty Sark.

ON MAXELL, ROCK'N'ROLL

Every Maxell cassette is destined to become a golden oldie.
Because at Maxell we build cassettes to standards that are
60% higher than the industry calls for.
Paa cassettes you can shake, rattle yet they keep on
rolling.
Precision engineered tape that even after 500 plays still
delivers high fidelity. ` maxell ·

So when we say, on Maxell, rock ТҮ roll
is really here to stay... Be-Bop-A-Lu-La...
we dont mean maybe. ;

PEE TA ITS WORTH IT

© adidas USA, 1982

America’s shifting into fashion with adidas.

The world's highest quality performance gear. 9
Тһе stylish way to keep fit. adida as =

S

Soros

IMPORTE,
NEST

Because you enjoy going first class.

In Venice or at home, life's more satisfying when you're enjoying the best. That's Passport.
Enjoyed worldwide because it's made of Scotland's finest whiskies. Ask for Passport—go first class.

Passport Scotch.

PLAYBILL

ONE OF THE questions most commonly asked of us, as PLAYBOY
editors, by men we've just met at Christmas parties is often
phrased as a statement: “I bet you guys work in am office

* "That's usually followed by
k you can line me up
response to both questions is customari
ly no, but actually, that's the correct answer to the second
question only. We can't even line ourselves up with a Bunny
(Oryctolagus cuniculus Playboyus to the zoologiws in the
audience). As for the first ques
s figured. th

with dozens of beautiful women.
the half-joking request "Do you thi

with a Bunny?" Ош

t if word got out of how
ul women actually work for Playboy Enterprises,
our Personnel Department would be swamped with applicants
for our jobs. But this year, in the Christmas spirit of sh:
we've decided to give our readers a chance to appreciate the
reasons why male Playboy employees rarely find office elevator
rides boring. Contributing Photographer Ken Marcus, aided by
ke-up artist Alison Reynolds, conducted our in-house beauty
hunt and (with some cajoling in many cases) persuaded some
of our most comely co-workers to pose for The Women of
Playboy. When you turn to page 132, you'll probably mutter,
"Some guys have all the luck," and we know how you feel.
That's the way we feel about Marcus, who photographed
not only Playboy's most attractive women but this month's
Playmate, Charlotte Kemp, as well. And while we're on the
subject of beautiful people, we have our annus

Sex Stars of 1982, compiled by West Coast Photography Editor
Marilyn Grabowski, Senior Editor Gretchen MeNi Senior Art
Director Chet suski and Assistant Photography Editor Patty
Beaudet. The text is by Jim Harwood. As a special holiday treat,
we've provided you with the means of casting everybody's
favorite star of 1982, E.T., in some new roles.

Christmas, of all times, should be one of peace, Yet some
of our leaders would not have it so. Longtime PLAYBOY con-
tributor Robert Scheer has written Wilh Enough Shovels, an
adaptation of the Random House book of the same title, and
tries to answer the most important question of all—whether
or not there will be nuclear war. Scheer's conclusi
two years of interviewing Ronald Reagan and his top ad-
visors, are chilling. The piece is illustrated for us by Brad
Holland, who for years has contributed the art accompanying
our Ribald Classics. (By the way, if you y post-
cards lately, you may have used the I3«cent stamp designed
by Holland: it's a portrait of Chief Crazy Horse commissioned
by the U.S. Postal Service for its Great Americans Series.)

On another front, two of the nonthreatening trends in
cine sexuality these days are cross-dressing and sex-role
reversal. You can't find a better example of the genre
than writer-producer-director Blake Edwards’ highly successful
comedy film which his wile, actress-
singer Julie Andrews, once and for all dispenses with her
Mary Poppins image to play a woman who poses as a man who
poses as а wom (if you don't understand that one, catch
the movie). In this month's Playboy Intervie
mon asks Fdwards and Andrews about the making of that
bizarre comedy and touches on a wide variety of other topics,
nduding Edwards’ taxing attempts to direct the late Peter
Sellers in the Pink Panther fili is discovery of Bo Derek
for his 1979 blockbuster film infatuations
with leading men Rex Harrison (in My Fair Lady) and Rich-
ard Burton (in Camelot) and the ups and downs of her nearly
i show-business career.

t with women dressing as men and men dressing as
these days, it will be ever harder for author Erica (Fear
of Flying, Fanny) Jong to find and recognize The Perfect Man

review,

© sent mai

Victor / Victoria, in

, Lawrence Linde

© 1980 THOMAS VICTOR

REYNOLDS, MARCUS

)

HARWOOD

KIBBEE

PLAYBOY (55H 0032-1478), DECEMBER, 1982, VOL. 25. NO 12. PUBLISHED NONTHLY BY PLAYBOY IN NATIONAL AND REGIONAL EDITIONS, FLAYEOY BLDG., 919 N, MICHIGAN AVE.. CHGO., ILL. 60611,

2NO-CLASS POSTAGE PAID AT CHGO., ILL., В AT ADDL. MAILING OFFICES, SUBS.: IN THE U.S., $22 FOR 12 1

UES. POSTMASTER: SEND FORM 3579 TO PLAYBOY, P.O. BOX 2420, BOULDER, COLO. 80302

AZUMA

HOLLAND

she yearns for in her article on page 184. Although Jong
admits that describing this paragon of masculinity (not to be
confused, of course, with a Ri ) is nearly as difficult as
catching him, we think she'd agree that among the stipula-
tions, the perfect man should not provide her with herpes.
But that doesn't el
Time magazine would have us think, says Senior Staff Writer
James R. Petersen in Viewpoint, “That Old-Time Religion.
Petersen, who as our Playboy Adv
close to the perfect man as Jong could expect (at least that's
what he tells us), takes a dim (but enlightened) view of the
current media hype on the terrors of herpes, suggesting that
it's attempting to set the sexual revolution back 30 year

Our Christmas issue would not be complete without Con-
tributing Editor Anson Mounts offering, Playboy's College
Basketball Preview. This year, Mount also gives us advance
notice of some rather peculiar rule changes you'll be seeing in
college roundball contests this winter. Speaking of peculiari-
tics in athletics, we think you'll get some laughs from The
Sports Bestiary, a collection of such weird creatures as The
Hanging Curve and The Gipper, created by George Plimpton,
with drawings by Arnold Roth. It's an excerpt Irom the book of
the same title to be published by McGraw-Hill.

But perhaps the oddest creature in American sports is the
irrepressible commentator for ABC's Monday Nighi Football,
Howard Cosell, whose unending self-promotion David Halberstam
analyzes in The Mouth That Roarcd, illustrated by Bill Nelson.
Sports (baseball, to be specific) also provides the backdrop for
a tale of adolescent fear and rage: George V. Hi s' short
story, Adults, illustrated by Gordon Kibbee. The rest of our
great (if we do say so ourselves) fiction lineup this issue: а
short story from Paul Theroux, Sex and Its Substitutes. illus-
trated by Milton Glaser (rom Theroux's forthcoming book
The London Embassy); and the concluding half of our excerpt
of 2010: Odyssey Two, by Arthur C. Clarke, the acclaimed sci-
encefiction writer who, with Stanley Kubrick, wrote the
screenplay for 2001: A Space Odyssey. We ran part one of
2010 in the September issue. It's from Clarke's book of the
same title to be published by Del Rey Books. (If you saw
2001 and wondered what happened to astronaut David
Bowman, here's your chance to find out.)

Clarke's tale assumes that there will be a future, With that
in mind, we present another approach to tensions between
the nuclear superpowers, as devised by Henry Beard, Christopher
Cerf and Tony Geiss, who proceed to hack away at U.S.-Soviet
relationships in their One Day in the Life of Leonid Brezhnev
and Family. And while you're chuckling. you may as well
turn to Shel Silverstein’s illustrated commentary on the history
of religion, The Twenty Commandments, taken from his book
Different Dances, published by Harper & Row. If there were
originally 20 Commandments, the 21st was probably "Thou
shalt not spend thy money on a Roll-Royce"—or at least
that’s the feeling you're likely to get from reading Me and
My Shadow, Screw magazine cofounder Al Goldstein's scathing
opinion of the highly touted British luxury car.

If you're up on the news in the homevideo sp
aware that Playboy is creating its own revolution in electronic

or probably comes аз

ere, you're

entertainment. For a look at how your favorite magazin
coming to life via cable, cassette, disc and over-th
television, see Playboy Video.

To round out this year's Christmas package, we present
our annual tongue-in-cheek Playboy's Christmas Cards to the
rich and famous, composed by Tem Koch; Playboy's Christ-
mas Gift Guide, photographed by Don Azuma; a batch of hot-
drink recipes, by Emanvel Greenberg; and, last but not least, a
heart-warming pictorial on actress Sydne Rome, who plays
Louise Bryant in the forthcoming multinational film based on
John Reed's Ten Days That Shook the World. Have a merry
Chr 1

T

THELEGENDARY
MOTORCYCLES OF
GERMANY.

BAVARIA: 1923

Folklore has ıt that they gave
Мах Friz a stove to take the chill
out of his office. And in return
Friz gave them the design for a
new kind of motorcycle engine

"They," of course, were the
owners of the Bavarian Motor
Works in Munich, Germany. And
Max Friz was their chief engineer.

The stove he received was
thought to be, in the office politics
of 1923 Germany, a major symbol
of status. And the engine he
created as a token of apprecia-
ion was to become the basis of all
BMW motorcycle design
The horizontally opposed twin
Ingeniously simple. Perfectly
balanced. Possessed of an ex-
traordinarily low center of gravity.
PARIS: LATER THAT YEAR
The first motorcycle to sport
Friz's revolutionary engine was
unveiled at the prestigious Paris
Motor Show of 1923.
It was, not surprisingly, the rage
of the exhibition

Not solely because it cradled
he opposed twin-cylinder engine
however. For this machine bore
another breakthrough by Friz
that demanded an equal share of
the limelight.

Ай ence
©1982

tal prices. Act
ark and

Running from its crankcase
to its rear hub, you see, was the
first fully refined drive shaft ever
seen on a motorcycle.

This remarkably advanced
bike was dubbed the R 32. And
in the words of the motorcycle
historian L.J.K. Setright "it n-
jected a measure of civilization
into an activity that had always
shown a tinge of barbarity"

AMERICA: 1982

While the times have drastically
changed, the opinion that aficio
nados have of the BMW motor-
cycle certainly has not.

Cycle Guide writes: "Overall it
15 perfectly tailored for your basic
civilized, discriminating, blue-
blooded rider who understands
the difference between a one-
dimensional motorcycle and one
with character”

It has never been the mission
of BMW engineers to build un-
guided missiles.

Motorcycles that thunder down

the straightaways only to turn in-

to millstones through curves. Or
into jackhammers over bumps.
It is their goal instead to build
complete machines.
Motorcycles that can sustain
high speeds, not merely attain

pn J upon d
белган

them. Whose ability to hold the |
road corresponds, to the closest
possible degree, with their ability |
to whisk over it.
To this end, there is no engine
configuration in existence that is
more desirable than the horizon
taly opposed twin
ill ngenicusly simple. Per-
fectly balanced. Possessed of an
extraordinarily low center of
gravity. And the recipient of con-
tinuous refinement by genera-
tions of BMW engineers for the
pest 58 years
The price of all this refine-
ment? Predictably high, ranging
from $3,600to $6,990; exclud-
ing local shipping charges and
state taxes

But the evolution of the BMW
has been so thoroughly ımpres-
sive that according to the historian
Setright:

“The modern BMW 15 not a
motorcycle. It is an inheritance.”

An inheritance bequeathed by
Max Friz. An engineer who hada
particular genius for
designing motor-
cycles. And, of
course,a tremen-
dous appreciation
of warm stoves

E

ation charges

PLAYBOY.

vol. 29, no. 12—december, 1982 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE
5
13
2 15
VIEWPOINT: THAT OLD-TIME RELIGION è -JAMES R. PETERSEN 23
PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS Cascade Ee a a 29
Computer-generated gags; Checking In with Joan Collins.
РОТЕ aa ha SE GANE aR urs ASA SEE A 33
Will the real Bette Davis statue please stand up?
BS y 8 34
Detectives for the Eighties; c cool pe log; and Bech resurrected.
MUSIC 40
Hall and Oates ехрісіп themselves; jeans from James.
Menü кә» ырык ын E Nos 45
Voight and friends gambol in Vegos; Herzog s jungle fever із contagious.
COMING ATTRACTIONS . 5 52
Haver's cast in a Ludlum thriller: Pryor signed for an Н. б. Wells st tory.
THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 55
DEAR PLAYMATES 63
65
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: JULIE ANDREWS AND
BLAKE EDWARDS—candid conversation ... 77

Hollywood's renegade couple tells all: No, Julie did nof get а boob job for
her last scene in 5.О.8., and, yes, Blake did find Peter Sellers а pain in the
neck to work with.
WITH ENOUGH SHOVELS—article ................ ROBERT SCHEER 118
Who's in charge of our awesome nuclear arsenal? A lot of hawks have come
3 home to roost.
کے‎ — Е HOLIDAY, GO LIGHTLY—attire .................... DAVID PLATT 123
ў When you head south this year, turn some heads along the way.

THE MOUTH THAT ROARED—personality ..._._ DAVID HALBERSTAM 126
Who's responsible for the sorry state of broadcast sports journalism? Howard
be thy name, says America’s pre-eminent journalist. Whether you hate Cosell
or just dislike him, there's something in this diagnosis for everyone.

BODY WARMERS—drink EMANUEL GREENBERG 131
What to drink on those long winter nights.

THE WOMEN OF PLAYBOY—pictorial )). 132
The grass is not necessarily greener on the other side of the fence. We've
searched high and low for beauty, and now we're taking a very close look
at our own back yard,

ADULTS-—fittioni seet ae Rn EDITI GEORGE V. HIGGINS 146
A couple of boys conclude that grownups do some fairly crazy things. So
who wants to grow up to be crazy?

PLAYBOY'S CHRISTMAS GIFT GUIDE—gifts ..................... 149
Some stunning items for those who have been both naughty and nice.

2010: ODYSSEY TWO, PART Il—fiction .......... ARTHUR C. CLARKE 156
Spacecraft Leonov meets up with the hull of Discovery, and HAL is reactivated.
Jong's Man 84 The story that launched a generation continues.

GENERAL OFFICES; PLAYBOY BUILDING. 919 NORTH MICHIGAN AVE.. CHICAGO. ILLINOIS 40611. WETURM POSTAGE MUST ACCOMPANY ALL MANUSCRIPTS, DRAWINGS AND PHOTOGRAPHS SUBNITTEO
1F THEY ARE 10 GE RETURNED AND NO RESPONSIBILITY CAN BE ASSUMED FOR UNSOLICITED MATERIALS. ALL RIGHTS IN LETTERS SENT TO PLAYDOY WILL BE TREATED AS UNCONDITIONALLY ASSIGNED
FOR PUBLICATION AND COPYRIGHT PURPOSES AND AS SUBJECT TO PLAYDOV'S UNRESTRICTED RIGHT TO EDIT AMD 10 COMMENT EDHORIALLY. CONTENTS COPYRIGHT È 1962 BY PLAYBOY, ALL
PLE AND PLACES їн THE FICTION AND SEMIFICTION IN THIS MAGAZINE AND ANY
en daten. P. St: © JEAN-LOUIS ATLAN / GAMUA.LIAISON, P. 238: BRUCE AYERS,
б. 214; © 1981 DENNIS BRACK/ BLACK STAR 7 300 (31. © DOUG BRUCE / PICTURE GROUP, P. 35. © А.
. т\з. JENNY BURKE, P. 203 (2); CHARLES W. BUSH. P. 214; DAVID CHAM, Р. 4. в, 138. 139: © MICHAEL CHILDERS / SYGNA, ғ. 217; WILLIAM CLEARY, P- 13)
лони DEREK /GLOBE. P. 213; PHILLIP опон, р 210; ANNE C DOWIE. в.в. © JOUGIAS DUBLER/ VISAGES. P 209: J. VERSI

210. 216, 219; о. FRANKEN /STCHA, P. 300. ARMY FREYTAG. P. 214, 231. 233; © 1982 RON GALELLA P, 213, MARCO GLAVIANO, ғ.

Playboy's Women

On m PART wırnour wi

REAL PEOPLE AND PLACES
т. 107; BRENT BEAR. ғ.а
ace

mGESS/ ACES ANGELS.
X DEMARCHILIER. P.
133; RICHARD fester,

кунн coto-

COVER STORY

Art Director Tom Staebler had been toying with the idea of designing a cover that
would pay homage to Norman Rockwell. While that notion was fermenting, Playmate
Marcy Hanson—in an unrelated conversation—let it slip that Rockwell was her favorite
artist. "Her look was perfect for what | wanted to do," Tom told us. The rest was easy.

IN CHARLOTTE'S WEB—playboy’s playmate of the month ......... 158
Miss Kemp finds a lot to love in Chicago.

PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES—humor ..........

THE TWENTY COMMANDMENTS—humor ....... SHEL SILVERSTEIN 174
Moses was one good editor!
PLAYBOY'S COLLEGE BASKETBALL PREVIEW—sports . . ANSON MOUNT 179 Addled Adults
With some conferences experimenting with new rules, this could be round ball's
most confusing and exciting season in history. One thing is sure: Only а
Delilah will intimidate Virginia's Sampson.
zz

THE PERFECT MAN—aorticle ....................... ERICA JONG 184
How do you measure up? One of the most earnest observers of such things
suggests we should resist the fear of trying.

THE SPORTS

BESTIARY—humor ... GEORGE PLIMPTON and ARNOLD ROTH 187
What are The Hanging Curve, The Busted Flush, The Service Break and The
Gipper? Well, sports fans, here's your own animal kingdom.

LOUISE AND ME—pictorial ........................ SYDNE ROME 191
In the multinationol production of the John Reed / louise Bryant story, Sydne
Rome portrays a woman ahead of her time. We sent Sydne to Provincetown
to depict louise s fantasies and came up with seven pages that will shake the

—
Winter Wear

world.
PLAYBOY'S CHRISTMAS CARDS—verse ............... TOM KOCH 198
Greetings for our brave new holidays.
ME AND MY SHADOW—memoir .................. AL GOLDSTEIN 201
The Screw publisher's life changed the moment he drove his Rolls-Royce out SRS
of the showroom.
LE ROY NEIMAN SKETCHBOOK—pictorial ...................... 202
Brooke Shields dances her way into the artist's studio.
THE BALLAD OF HOOKSHOP KATE—ribald classic ............ .-. 205
SEX STARS OF 1982—pictorial essay ............ -JIM HARWOOD 206

Our annual survey of the people who make it with style.

ONE DAY IN THE LIFE OF LEONID BREZHNEV AND
FAMILY— humor . . HENRY BEARD, CHRISTOPHER CERF and TONY GEISS 225
The hero of the unfree world is one funny Commie cutup.

REAY BOY! МЕ бе а каал жын ае ае 230
There's more to Playboy than meets the page. We have a whole new way of
channeling your interests.

PLAYBOY FUNNIES—humor .
PLAYBOY POTPOURRI ....
LITTLE ANNIE FANNY—satire . HARVEY KURTZMAN and WILL ELDER 321

Playmote Charlotte

РЕДҮВОҮЛӨМУЛНЕ:ӘСЕМЕ ac peros nal aa ае ас 325

Gifts for girlfriends; colored leather for men; things on the beam; Сгареуіпе;

Sex News. Mr. Megomouth P. 126
SMITH / 161 ғ. 210; MIKE GOLDSTEIN, P. 210; C ANTONIO CUERREIRO, ғ. 217; WALDWIN ВАМИ, P- 8; © PHILIPPE намен / OUTLINE, ғ. 212; © GREGORY HEISLER, P. 2

ROEDERER, ғ. 300; VERNON L SMITH
vr. L. P. 218: © ANDRE WEINFELD / зом,
BENOFF/ SYGMA, ғ. зоо; © 1502 DICK ZIMMERMAN, P. 218 (т), 218; HAIR à MAKEUP BY CLINT WHEAT, T. 191.157; "THE TWENTY COMYANIMUNI
my SMER EILVERETEIN, P. 1 ILLUSTRATIONS BY, STEVE возник, P- за; ROBERT CRANFORD, ғ. 34; MELINDA GORDON, P. 190, GARY HEARTS
P- 66, er (2); BILL REISER, P. 41; KERRY RUTZ, f. 291; PHILIPPE WEISDECHER, P. 291; LEN WILLIS, P. 290

SHEL SILVERSTEIN. СОРУЯЮИТ © 1975
PAT HAGEL, Р. 29, 38, 65; RERIG FOPE,

You never forget
your first Girl.

PLAYBOY

HUGH M. HEFNER
editor and publisher

NAT LEHRMAN associate publisher

ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director
TOM STAEBLER ar! director

DON GOLD managing

GARY COLE photography director

G. DARRY GOLSON executive editor

editor

EDITORIAL
ARTICLES: JAMES MORGAN editor; ROR FLEDER
«sociale editor; FICTION: ALICE қ. TURNER
edilor; TERESA Grosen associate editor; WEST
COAST: STEPHEN RANDALL. cdilor; STAFF.
WILLIAM J. HELMER, GRETCHEN МС NEESE,
PATRICIA FAFARGELS (administration), DAVID
STEVENS senior edilors: ROBERT Г. CARR, WALTER
LOWE, JR, JAMES R. PETERSEN senior staff
writers: KEVIN COOK, BARBARA NELLIS, KATE
NOLAN, J. Е. O'CONNOR, JOHN REZEK asociale
editors; SUSAN MARGOLIS-WINTER associate new
york editor; MODERN LIVING: Ер WALKER
associate editor; MARC в. WILLIAMS assistant
editor; FASHION: DAVID PLATT director; MARLA
SCHOR assistant. editor; CARTOONS: MICHELLE
Urry editor; COPY: ARLENE Bouras editor;
JOYCE RUBIN assistant editor; NANCY BANKS
CAROLYN BROWNE, JACKIE JOHNSON, MARCY
MARGHI, BARE LYNN NASH, DAVID TARDY, MARY
лох researchers: CONTRIBUTING EDITORS:
АЗА BABER, JOHN BLUMENTHAL, LAURENCE GON-
ZALES, LAWRENCE GROUEL, ANSON MOUNT

IER KOSS RANGE, DAVID RENSIN, RICHARD
RHODES, JOHN SACK, DAVID STANDISH, BRUCE
WILLIAMSON (movies)

ART
кше rore managing director; CHET SUSKI
LEN WILLIS senior directors; BRUCE HANSEN,
THEO KOUVATSOS, SKIP WILLIAMSON. asociate
directors; JOSE Paczek assistant director
METH клык senior arl assistant; ANN SEIDL art
assistant; SUSAN нов метком traffic coordina
HOF; BARBARA HOFFMAN administrative manager

PHOTOGRAPHY
MARILYN GRABOWSKI west const editor; JEFF
cones senior editor; JAMES LARSON, JANICE
MOSES associate editors; FATTY BEAUDET, LINDA
KENNEY, MICHAEL ANN SULLIVAN assistant edi-
lors; POMPEO POSAR staff photographer; DAVID
MICEY, KERRY MORRIS asociate staf]
raphers: вил. N AI A f. MARIO CASI
CHAN, RICHARD FTGLEY, леу FREVTA
CIS GIACODETH, R. SCOIF HOOPER, RIC
Шіл. REN MARCUS coniributing phol
phers; LUISA STEWART (Rome) contributing
editor; james warn color lab supervisor;
RONERT CHELAUS business manager

PRODUCTION

JOHN MASTRO director; ALLEN VARCO manager;
MARIA MANDIS ass. ИНЕТ ELEANORE WAGNER,
JODY JURGEIO, RICHARD QUARTAROLI assistants

READER SERVICE
CYNTHIA LACEY-SIKICH manager

CIRCULATION
RICHARD SMITH. director; ALIN WIEMOLD sub-
scriplion manager

ADVERTISING
HENRY W. MARKS director

ADMINISTRATIVE
шетте. GAUDET rights & permissions mana
ger: MILDRED ZIMMERMAN administrative as
sistant

PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES, INC.
CHRISTIE HEFNER president; MARVIN 1.. HUSTON
executive vice-president

AN

SUPERWASH" BY

JN ACE

498 Seventh Avenue * New York, N.Y. 10018 + (212) 279-7343

THE WORLD ОҒ PLAYBOY

in which we offer an insider look at what's doing and who's doing it

TWEED STILL THE BOSS

Shannon Tweed's acting career is unfolding as fast
as her November 1981 centerfold. On the heels of
her casting as the beautiful Diana Hunter in СВ5"
Falcon Crest, our Playmate of the Year (above, with
the easily amused David Selby, on location in
бап Francisco) is getting offers at every good turn.

WE TOLD YOU
HE WAS A DOLL

In April 1966, Karla Conway was a soft sculpture herself—as our
Playmate of the Month (inset). Now, as Karla Sachi, she keeps herself
in stitches fashioning flexible facsimiles of friends and celebrities in
her Kona, Hawaii, studio. “I call them life sculptures,” she says, “or
clones.” Karla has made dozens of likenesses (to commission опе
for your very own, write to The Clone Factory, P.O. Box 1619, Keala
Kekua, Hawaii 96750), but one of her favorites is of Hef (above). How
to tell clone from real thing? Easy—the clone doesn't own PJs.

THUMPTHING’S HAPPENING

With dozens of rabbits’ feet (below) and the brassy chassis that go with
them, it's no wonder the Playboy Mansion West is a lucky place to be.
The event, a recent press conference to welcome 1982's Bunnies of the
Year, saw Не! spending an afternoon with the B.O.Y.s to bend some satin
ears and verify a couple of tall tails. The Bunnies thronged to Los Ange-
les from around the globe for a week full of fine times, including a guest
shot on this year's first Simon & Simon episode on CBS, an evening at
Hef's midsummer pajama party and enough prizes to stock a small mall.

OUTRAGEOUS PAIR MEETS SAME

“Beats the hell out of being interviewed on Good
Morning America” was Tommy Chong’s reaction
when Miss July, Lynda Wiesmeier, sneaked through a
Playboy video session at Mansion West (that’s Lyn-
da at left, preparing to sneak). Cheech Marin (right)
thanked the lord of the manor for the interruption.
» :

PLAYBOY

Become fit for life fast and
efficiently at home or office with
the DP GYMPAC 1000 This
complete and versatile fitness
center provides more than 50
professional exercises, yet stores
in less than one square foot of
floor space. Better yet, it costs
less than a year's membership in
most spas but gives you a life-
time of fitness in the convenience

Fit For Life.

of your own home or office. In
fact, a good workout on the DP
GYMPAC 1000 usually requires
less time than it takes to drive to
and from the spa and wait in line
for the equipment

With the DP GYMPAC 1000's
variety of exercises you сап tone
up, increase weight and strength,
better control overall weight, or
slim specific areas of the body.

гәр

uu
—
Fit for Lite &

You can even develop specific
muscle groups for your favorite
sport.

Its a great way to keep yourself,
your family or your employees fit
for life and all of its pleasures.

ОР GYMPAC 1000... the com-
plete home fitness center that fits
almost anywhere. Available at
your favorite sporting goods store
or sports department.

Diversitied Products + 309 Williamson Ave. + Opelika, AL 36802

DEAR PLAYBOY

ADDRESS DEAR PLAYBOY

PLAYBO
919 N.

Y BUILDING
'ICHIGRN AVE,

CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60617

AFTER THE FALLOUT

Оно Friedrich's The Bomb .
Av bov, Sept
n in my mind: How Í
d should my fallout shelt
whether or not the ar
nish the threat of
is the future of this pl
circumscribed by doomsday.

and

mber) plants one
r under

already
Friedrich does an extremely fine job of

putting his much-pondered and much

discussed subject into perspective. Re
cently,

my fourycarold son and I
atching television, and we saw a
1 on the anniversary of the Hiro
bombing. In one sequence, the

screen was filled with the all-to0-fami
mushroom cloud. My son asked, "

Daddy,
what's that?” For some reason, I could
not find it in my heart to tell hii
Roger Kick
South Beloit, Illinois

Presider Reagan's frank statement
that the Sovict Union is ahead of us in
nuclear arms triggered widespread and
deep worry about nuclear war. The ad-
уосасу of a nuclear freeze would be
more credible if it did not coincide with
a state of U.S. inferiority. During World
War Two, I considered it my duty to
work on the atom bomb. I would have
been much happier if, instead of attack-
ing Hiroshima, we had ended the war
by a bloodless demonstration. After the
war, I continued my work because of
my conviction that peace could be рге
served by strength in the hands of those

ited peace. Indeed, as long as
ог power, the peril
seemed distant. Today,
our best hope is the development of
effective defensive weapons, nuclear or
nonnuclear. The advancing state of the
t makes that possible. The Kremli
will hesitate to attack unless it can count
on winning. Because of their civil.de-
[ense program, the Soviets’ losses may be

tolerable. For more than 43 years, I
could nor a thinking about the un
thinkable. My thoughts have not been
objectively different from what your ar
ticle describes. There will be e lor
1 evacuation if we see the Soviets
evacuate. It is equally evident that by
forethought, we can help our fellow
citizens survive and behave like human
beings. Indeed, we should work on both
defensive weapons and civil defense.
Thus, we may convert the mutu:
assured-destruction policy into mutual
assured surv The dificult act of
thinking re be of enor-
mous help in avoiding th

of a third world w;

more Laboratory
ifornia

Although Teller is responding to
Friedrich's article, his view provides a
natural introduction to our lead article
in this issue. See “With Enough Shov-
els,” by Robert Scheer, on page 118

FIGURE EIGHTS

h your help (Gils of the Big Eight,

PLAYBOY, September), I've finally found

the college to which I'm going to trans-
тг. I'm going to the University of Okla

n thank Big Eight girl

lor it.

vid Morle:
aso, Texa

1 am thoroughly disappointed with
your pictorial of the Big Eight girls. Is
Oklahoma State not in the conference?
The pictorial shows 30 coeds, with only
two (fully clothed) from OSU. Come on!

С. Trower
Stillwater, Oklahoma

Many thanks for the long-awaited
Girls of the Big Eight. I have visited
each campus in the conference for foot-
ball games and other events and can

PLAYBOY, (
FOR 24 ISSUES, $22 FOR 12 ISSUES. CANADA, 127 FON 12 ISSU

молат), DECEMBER, 1982, VOLUME 29, NUMBER i2.

PUBLISHES MONTHLY EY PLAYBOY, riAYEOY ggg 919
THE UNITED STATES AND ITS POSSESSIONS, 484 FOR 36 ISSUES, $18
ES. ELSEWHERE, $35 FOR V2 ISSUES. ALLOW 45 DAYS FOR NEW sub

SCRIPTIONS AND RENEWALS. CHANGE OF ADDRESS: SEND BOTH OLD AND NEW ADDRESSES TO PLATROY, POST office bow han

BOULDER, COLORADO £0202, AND ALLOW 45 DAYS FOR CHANGE

J. MURPHY, CIRCULATION PROMOTION DIRECTOR. ADVERTISING: INRY м. Manns, жол

TIONAL SALES MANAGER; MICHAEL DRUCKWAN. NEW YORK SAL
THIRD AVENUE, NEW YORK, NEW YORK 10017, CHICAGO воет

MARKETING: ED CONDOM, DIRECTOR / DIRECT MARKETING, MICHAEL
ES MANAGER; WILT KAPLAN. FASHION ADVERTISING MANAGER, 747
1. RUSS WELLER. ASSOCIATE ADVERTISING MANAGER. si» NORTH

TROY, MICHIGAN 40004, JESS BALLEW. MANAGEN, 3001 М. BIG BEAVER ROAD: LOS ANGELES 90010. STANLEY
NS. MANAGER, 4514 WILSHIRE BOULEVARD; SAN FRANCISCO 94104, TOM JONES, MANAGER

417 MONTGOMERY STREET.

Easy Weight Selection Compact Storage

ОР Gympac 1000

More than 50 professional exercises in one
compact unit at a fraction of the cost of chain
ага сат units. Patented cable, pulley and
carrıage system provides smooth, even re-
sistance throughout each exercise motion.
Exclusive Orbatron" weights adjust quickly
as you change from one exercise to another.
Wall unit holds securely with one bolt, yet
removes easily and rolls away for out-of-the-
way storage.

Side Leg Raise Wide бір Pull-Up

Quickly changes from one exercise cable sys-
tem to another Comfortable padded weight
bench easily converts to inclined abdominal
board and folds compactly for convenient
storage. Double leg lift allows for concentrated
leg development while the adjustable handle-
bar system offers exercises ranging from leg
presses to pull-ups. Fully illustrated instruc-
tion course with progress charts for men,
women and children included.
г SS ain ee num

Fi

‘or Free Illustrated Booklet
and Instruction Course Giving
Details of the ОР СҮМРАС 1000
Clip and Май to:

Diversified Products, CJ-004
РО. Box 100, Opelika, AL 36802
(Please Print)

Zip: =,

‚Diversitied Products
309 Williamson Ave.

— DR |

Е

15

wuthfully dedare that your pictorial
depicts a mere sample of the abundance
of gorgeous females on the sprawling
cunpuses of Middle America." Despite
their puritan image, there is no lack of
action on the campuses of the premier
football conference in the Western Hem-
isphere.

William Graves
Tulsa, Oklahoma

I have never written to Dear Playboy
before, but when I feasted my eyes on
Towa State coed Sandy Redmond, |
couldn't contain myself. Sandy takes my
breath away. I don't suppose you could
divulge her ample dimensions, could
you?

Guy R. Severa
Batavia, Illinois

Speaking not only for myself but for
all males, please do us an enormous fa
vor. Show us more of Sandy Redmond!
We will be waiting with beating hearts.

Van Horseman
Nettleton, Missouri

It seems Van generally waits with a
stopped heart, which must be pretty dis-
lurbing to his buddies. Well, his wait’s

over: Here's an encore by heart stopper
Sandy, who totals tickers with totals of
36DD, 26 and 36. Happy now, Van? Van?

MURPHY'S LAW AT WORK

In Why Things Don't Work (ғ.луноу
September), Jules Siegel accurately por
trays the prevalent. management abuses
on this continent. What he fails to point
out is that the workplace is consistent
with the frontierlike society we continue
to uphold. In the absence of full recog-
nition of workers as equal and essential
partners, our potential has an unneces
sary limitation. Until an employer/em
ployee balance comes about, the work
force will remain (not by choice) an ex-

pendable tool, as Siegel states. In a land
that claims to uphold human rights and
freedoms, there are obvious improve
ments to be made. Reagan's inconsist-
ency on Solidarity and PATCO is sad
evidence that positive change at home
is not at hand

Barry Thorsteinson

National Representative

Canadian Union of Public Employees

Kelowna, British Columbia

YOUNG, GIFTED, IN THE BLACK
Thank you for September's Playboy
Interview. I used to think Cheech and
Chong were a couple of useless nerds
who had somehow lucked into the big
time in an era in which the cards were
stacked against all of us. Now I know
that if everyone had а philosophy (al
most a religion) such as theirs, the world
would actually be а nicer (and safer)
place to live, Compliments to Kelley.
Robert Кіейе
Bakersfield, California

I must salute Ken Kelley for Septem-
ber's Cheech and Chong Playboy Inter
view. Although I have one complaint,
its а ribsmashing success overall.
Cheech and Chong are surprisingly іп
telligent and are true actors who haven't
lost themselves in the movies’ dream-
world. My complaint is that it took me
three times longer than usual to get
through the interview, due to my inabil
ity to laugh and read at the same time.

J. J. Israel

Galesburg, Minois

GRID LOCKS
Anson Mount's placement of Alabama
at 18th nationally and fourth in the
conference (Playboy's Pigskin Preview,
PLAYBOY, September) leaves me totally
astounded. Now, I don't know how he
determines his rankings or what informa
tion he uses as references, but 1 would
est that he devise a new method and
sources of information.
Ronald D. Holmes
Doraville, Georgia

What in the world has the University
of South Carolina ever done to Anson
Mount? How can a man pick a school
to be a Possible Breakthrough (8-3)
in a preseason poll and then deliver
such a blistering attack? Mount berates
the USC administration, the fans, the
school nickname
ing at Carolina games. The only conclu
sion I can arrive at is that either Mount
is a close friend of some ex-Gamecocks
football coach or he did absolutely no
homework in regard to his appraisal ol
USC football

and even the oficiat

Phil Goodman
Charlotte, North Carolina

Моши article on college football is
catchy and mostly matter-of-fact, but

The man who knows
how to wear
his diamonds

also knows
where to find them.

ZALES

The Diamond Store”

PLAYBOY

18

Askfor Nocona Boots where

quality western bois ore solc. Style shown #5025 with Alhombro Marble Walrus Print vamp ond top,
'NOCONA BOOT COMPANY / ENID JUSTIN, PRESIDENT / BOX 599/NOCONA, TEXAS 76255/817-825-3324.

NOCONA BOOT COMPANY - ENID JUSTIN. PRESIDENT БЕРТ М

BOX 599- NOCONA. TEXAS 76255 -1817) 8253321

several times he’s off side, way out of
line and showing his backfield to be
other than in motion. А flag can't be
thrown on him regarding his blind
sides against Northwestern and Colora
do, but he's th penalized 15
big ones for unsportsmanlike conduct
against the Gamecocks of South
lina!

Rich Lashley
Mac Courtney
Columbia, South Carolina

I've just read Anson Mount’s Pigskin
Preview, and about the only thing |
agree with him on is that “the Crim-
son Tide will, of course, lı nother
winning year.” Mount states that Ala
bama's schedule is “ludicrous” and that
plays the weakest teams in the South-
stern Conference. Well, I, for one.
take that with a gain of salt. I would
hardly refer to LSU, Tennessee, Au-
burn and Mississippi State as the weak-
est teams in the conference.

Randall Spencer
Ohatchee, Alal

ma

Thank you very much for forwarding
a reprint of your football preview. I en
joyed it very much.
Paul Bryant, Athletic Director,
Head Football Coach
The University of Alabama
versity, Alabama
Mount can anoint only one national
champ, so prospective pundits poke his
picks every “Pigskin Preview,” and that's
their prerogative. Still, whether the ex
pert in question is named Anson or
“Bear,” it’s hard to argue with success

FRENETIC FRAN-ATICS
I was born in March 1949. To be
frank, being over 30 had been bothering
me. Then I opened my September issue
of рїлүвоү to Still Fran-tastic! Now 1
can't wait to be over 10!
Richard A. Martin
Arnold, Maryland

Fran Jeffries is in keeping with the
highest traditions of your magazine, the
Mercedes of entertainment for men.
The men aboard the 0.55. America sa
lute her and her physical-fitness progra
Smooth sailing and following seas, Miss
Jeffries, and please disregard our ship's
slogan, "Don't tread on me'—you're
welcome to tread on our Hight deck any
time.

Chief С. С. Waite
U. Ameri:

PETTY PATTER

Congrats, rLavsoy. September's 20
Queslions with Tom Petty is absolutely
superb! Petty is a fantastic musician,
a wonderful songwriter, a warm and
wonderful husband and a n who is

not afraid to stand up for what he be-
lieves. What more could you ask fe
T.P.; a rocker who carries 535, two gu
tar picks—and the keys to his Jag—is
my kinda guy!
Rose Polidoro
Metromedia Stcreo
New York, New York

ALL THINGS BRIGHTON—BEAUTIFUL

1 first enjoyed seeing Connie Brigh-
ton in PLaysoy’s August 1981 Summer
age. I didn't know her name
but she is even more spectacular
now as Playmate of the Month for Sep-
tember 1982. Thank you, rLayuoy and

Mark Jackson
Searcy, Arkansas

Hats off to another gorgeous center-
fold! Connie Brighton is a vision of
excellence. Her figure, features and tan
are sure to Brighton any man's day.

Bill Wuerschmidt
Springfield, Virginia

Now that you've let the world in оп
our secret (Connie Brighton), perhaps
everyone will understand when the en-
tire male population of south Florida
says, “Miami's for me!” By the way, how کے‎ р

about a little bit more of Connie? May- | язы Nocono Boots where quatty vestern boots . Chestnut tel vomp, color one etr
be a moon ove

NOCONA BOOT COMPANY /ENID JUSTIN, PRESIDENT / BOX 599/ NOCONA, TEXAS 76255 / 817-825-3324

Dan Schley

Miami, Florida

Glad to oblige, Dan. Нетс% а 2-D ver-
sion of the immense Connie Brighton

hologram some Miami lunatics are plan-
ning lo project above eastern. Florida.
Prospective moon walkers are already
lining up at Cape Canaveral.

ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT

Behind the Lines in the Network
News War, by Robert Sam Anson
(rLavnoy, September), is a lot like TV

‘Ask or Nocona Boots where quality western boots are sold Style shown «9068 with Cognar REMU”
NOCONA BOOT COMPANY / ENID JUSTIN, PRESIDENT / BOX 599 / NOCONA, TEXAS 76255 / 647-825-3321

news: It’s not news. Many of us have
long viewed TV news as a ratings bat-
tle or a glamor show rather than as in-
formative programing. To те. a TV
commentator is like a pol who
will do anything to keep or
job. His goal is to keep ratings up in
order to keep corporate profis up.
There is no reason to believe that re-
porters are any more айги
other group. | want to sce report
port—not analyze. 1 want to sce both
sides of an issue presented in an unbi
ased manner. I want to see issues de
bated by experts—not by geography
major. I want to see The MacNeil
Lehrer Кероті in prime news time,

Ray Hopkins

Dallas, Texas

n any
те-

I commend Anson's unveiling of the
networks’ news war. Being a TV report
nysell. I can say that suits and flawless
rcuts are becoming the determin
factors in one’s being hired or even

ing
being granted ап interview. However,
there are still places at the local news

level for veteran newscasters who don't
wear $300 suits. Good journalists still
place the news above their own good
looks. Television execs must realize that
viewers just want the news, without all
the horns, bells and whistles. Now we
know why CBS returned to a calm set
for its Morning News. Fine display,
Anson.

Dreux DeMack
Olathe, Kansas

RABBIT ON THE FLORA

One sunny afternoon, I noticed this
rabbit moving slowly across my living
room floor! Does he look familiar to
you?

Dale Miles
Streamwood, Illinois
Sure he does, and you ought to be
ashamed. of yourself. Most of Ihe time,

our logo lepus appears purely by coinci-
dence, but this one is obviously а plant.

Тһе box grows up.

Its not just a box. Its a mature, sophisticated stereo musical octaves. So you can really fine-tune the bass,
system. Introducing the new Panasonic Platinum treble, and midrange. The cassette deck has Dolby*
Plus 3-piece portable stereo systems. With separate noise reduction, and sets recording levels automatically
speakers, an AM/FM/FM stereo or manually. So every tape comes
receiver and stereo cassette deck. out sounding astoundingly crisp
Outdoors, the Platinum Plus and clean. But there are a lot more
stereo system is totally portable. pluses to this Platinum Plus. It
Its 3 pieces join together as one. has a Tape Program Sensor та
То all work іп perfect harmony. makes it easy to skip a son 90 K
Indoors, it transforms into a home = don't like and find one you do. It
stereo without losing a beat. also has precision fluorescent
This Platinum Plus RX-C100 LED meters, linear scale tuning,

(shown) has a chorus of features and more. And for people who
you'd expect to find on component want a lighter and more compact
Systems. Like independent 2-way speakers with 6%” Platinum Plus system, theres the RX-C60.

woofers and 1%” tweeters. А 5-band graphic equal- So get the box with all the pluses. Panasonic

izer. It gives you a separate tone control for every two Platinum Plus. “Dolby is а trademark of Dolby Laboratories.

Panasonic introduces Platinum Plus
3-piece portable stereo systems.

Panasonic

just slightly ahead of our time.

RADAR WARNING RECEIVER

ESCORT ip^ mannar

ETE ШЫ

Lee

Radar Intuition

Your stereo will demonstrate this radar detector’s unusual abilities.

What Could Be Better

Than Unbelievable Range?
By now, you've probably heard some tall sounding stories
about how far away the ESCORT* radar warning
receiver picks up radar traps. You know, the ones where.
they talk in miles instead of car lengths. The stories go
‘on to say that ESCORT's superheterodyne receiving
circuits provide as much X and K-band warning as you
can possibly use, and then some. If you've never used
an ESCORT, they may seem pretty far fetched, but most
of them are true. Over hills, around comers, and from
behind.

Car 54 Where Are You?

Maximum detection range is wonderful, but it's far
from the whole story. In some ways, radar detectors are
like smoke alarms: you want to make sure that you don't
miss anything, but you don't want a lot of false alarms.
ESCORT won't disappoint you. Beyond that, when a
smoke alarm sounds off, the most pressing thing on
your mind is Where is the fire? is it ahead of you, behind
you, above you, or below you? In the same room, or at
the other end of the house? Your senses can help you
find fire. but. on the highway. you can't feel or smell
radar. ESCORT is your sixth sense.

Hearing Is Believing

ESCORT reports its findings straight to your ears in a
way no other detector can match. Its vocabulary
includes а Geiger-counter-like pulsating rhythm that
relates radar intensity in а smooth, natural, and intuitive
manner, making it easy to sense the distance to radar. It
сап tell you if radar is ahead of you, behind you, or even
traveling along with you in traffic. ESCORT also speaks
different languages for each radar band. Since the two
bands behave differently, the distinctive tonal
differences eliminate surprises. You'll even be able to
tell "beam interrupter’ "trigger" or "instant-on" type
radars from other signals just by the sounds they make.
Ditto for radar burglar alarms and door openers.
ESCORT has a lot to say, and we ve developed а new
жау for you to get acquainted quickly.

Play It, Sam

ESCORT's instruction book contains a wealth of
information. Actually, it's the ESCORT user's Bible. But,
the quickest way to become fluent т ESCORT's lan-
‘guage is to play the Radar Oisc on your stereo turntable,
You'll hear firsthand how to interpret what ESCORT tells.
you in a number of situations. We now include this
special Disc with every ESCORT so you can take a
test drive as soon as you open the box.

No Stone Unturned

The ESCORT Radar Oisc is the latest addition to a
long list of standard features. We dont scrimp on
anything. Here they are: м Patented Digital Signal
Processor ш Different Audio Alerts for X or К Band
Radar m Varaclor-Tuned Gunn Oscillator tunes out false
alarms m Alert Lamp dims photcelectrically after dark
m 1/64 Second Response Time covers all radar m
City/Highway Switch filters out distractions = Audio
Pulse Rate accurately relates radar intensity м Fully
Adjustable Audio Volume м Softly Illuminated Signal
‘Strength Meter = L.E.D. Power-On Indicator m Sturdy
Extruded Aluminum Housing m inconspicuous size
(1.5H x 5.25W x 50) ш Power Cord Quick-Oisconnect
from back of unit = Convenient Visor Clip or Hook and
Loop Mounting = Protective Molded Carrying Case =
Handy Cigar Lighter Power Connection м Spare Fuse
and Alert Lamp Bulb.

тасы

New!
3373 RPM Radar Disc

What The Critics Say

Car and Driver. . . . “Ranked according to pertorm-
ance, the ESCORT is first choice it looks like
precision equipment, has a convenient visor mount, and
has the most informative warning system of any unit on
the market . . . he ESCORT boasts the most careful and
clever planning, the most pleasing packaging. and the
most solid construction of the lot.”

BMWCCA Roundel: "The ESCORT is a highly
sophisticated and sensitive delector that has been
steadily improved over the years without changing those
features that made it а success in the first piace. Іп
terms of what all it does, nothing else comes close"

Playboy: ESCORT radar detectas . . . (are)
generally acknowledged to be the finest, most sensitive,
most uncompromising effort at high technology in the
field"

Autoweek:
facturer has bettered the ESCORT's sensitivity
consistent quality is remarkable"

"For the third straight year, no manu-

the

Made In Cincinnati

If you want the best, there's only one way to get an
ESCORT. Factory direct. Knowledgeable support and
professional service are only a phone call or parcel
delivery away. We mean business. In fact, after you open
the box, play the Radar Oisc, and install your ESCORT,
we'll give you 30 days to test it yourself at no risk. If
you're not absolutely satisfied, we'll refund your pur-
Chase as well as pay for your postage costs to return it.
We also back ESCORT with a full one year limited
warranty on both parts and labor. So let ESCORT change
radar for you forever. Order today.

Do It Today
dust send the following to the address below:
L1 Your name and complete street address.
LJ How many ESCORTS you want
10 Any special shipping instructions.
C Your daytime telephone number.
ПА check or money order.

ЕЭ

Credit card buyers may substitute their card
number and expiration date for the check.
Or call us toll free and save the trip to
the mail box.

CALL TOLL FREE. . . . 800-543-1608
IN OHIO CALL. . . . . . 800-582-2696

ESCORT (Indudes Everything). . . - $245.00
Ohio residents add $13.48 sales tax.

Extra Speedy Delivery
If you order with a bank check, money order.
credit card, or wire transfer, your order is pro-
cessed for shipping immediately. Personal or
company checks require an additional 18 days.

ESCORT

RADAR WARNING RECEIVER

П Cincinnati Microwave
Department 1207
One Microwave Plaza
Cincinnati, Ohio 45242

Viewpoint

THAT OLD-TIME RELIGION

IN THE Dark Ages before the pill and
penicillin, man's sexual impulse was
held in check by three fears: those of
pregnancy, venereal disease and
exposure. Science eliminated the
first two and experience took
care of the third. The world was
made safe for pleasure. Or so we
thought. But we seem to have un-
derestimated the idiocy out there.

The puritans are making a
comeback. Not a week goes by
without the presss reporting а
new strain of asymptomatic V.D.
or bugs that are resistant to pen-
llin. Now we have the ul
threat: herpes. The press is hav-
ing а field day. Piety and recti-
tude are back in vogue. Never
have we witnessed such a gleeful
condemnation of the pursuit of
pleasure.

The most glaring affront to
our intelligence occurred last Au-
gust. Time magazine devoted
seven pages to herpes, calling it
“The New Scarlet Letter.“ At

least Тіте was upfront about its

bias. The article was right out

ol the revivalist tent: Herpes was a
plague that was cutting down the per.
missive. The sexual revolution һай

been brought to a screeching halt by

the timely arrival of a “troublesome
little bug.” The virus struck down the
ually active, the unmarried, the un-
nhibited, the veterans of the one-night
stand. Herpes was "an excuse for
voiding casual sex.” Herpes had
“changed the uneasy balance between
sex for pleasure and sex for comı
ment. Romance is what relationships
are all about.” (For romance, read ab-
stinence.) According to Time, herpes
was “altering sexual rites іп Amer-
a. changing courtship patterns, send-
ng thousands of sufferers spinning
мо months of depression and self:
le and delivering a numl blow
to the one-night stand. The herpes
counterrevolution may be ushering а
reluctant, grudging chastity back into
fashion.” The article paraded re-
pentant sinners, tossed out a few half
facts and concluded with this pulpit-
pounding message: “For now, herpes
cannot be defeated, only cozened into
an uneasy, lifelong truce. It is а mel-
ancholy fact that it has rekindled old
fears. But perhaps not so unhappily,
it may be a prime mover in helping

By JAMES R. PETERSEN

to bring to а close an era of mindless
promiscuity. The monogamous now
have one more reason to remain so.
For all the distress it has brought,
the troublesome little bug may inad-
vertently be ushering in a period in
which sex is linked more firmly to
commitment and trust.”

The old fear was back, and once
again, it was based on misinforma-
tion. Time created a new Reefer
Madness and flogged it for all it was
worth. Time's editors were so dead
set against the one-night stand that
they carefully avoided mention of
The Herpes Resource Center's study
showing that herpes was not the sole
property of singles. Forty-four per-
cent of the ms who answered a
questionnaire reported that they were
monogamous, that they had had only
one partner in the past 12 months.
The rest were not mindlessly pro-
miscuous, reporting an average of 4.5
tners per year.

Time ignored those victims and
chose instead to recite a series of scare
stories to show the evils of sex. An
ngry female confessed to having in-
fected 75 men in the past three years.
A man gloated about having passed
the virus on to 20 partners: "They

were just one night stands, so they

deserved it, anyway." A prostitute esti-

mated that she and her sister had in-
fected 1000 Johns. Such selective
testimonials did a disservice to
the majority of victims, but Time
was on a crusade. At times, the
choice of targets was amusing.
For example, "Since friction can
trigger a recurrence, tight jeans,
the uniform of the sexual revo-
lution, arc out." Wet suits are in.
Really, now.

Time even pulled out that
most trusted of weapons—the
double standard. Like the Puri-
tans of the past, it was patroniz-
ing toward women. "For many
women, the disease exacerbates
their doubts about casual sex;
they feel they were pushed into
it by a permissive culture, then
made to pay a heavy price"
Time ignored the feminist move-
ment. It denied the equality of
the sexes, the fact that women
have assumed responsibility for
their bodies. It wanted a return 10
the old values. Two weeks later,

the publisher of Time congratulated
himself on the impact of his sermon:
“Alter mentioning Time's article to
a Moral Majority- and New Right-
sponsored meeting, Phyllis Schlafly
drew applause when she said that the
herpes epidemic could again make vir-
ginity something to be prized.” With
logic like that, a case could be made
for celibacy, masturbation, bestiality
and necrophilia.

According to Dr. Richard Hamilton,
author of The Herpes Book, “There
is absolutely no reason to be distressed
about the notion of contact transmis-
sion. It's purely descriptive, without
any ethical. religious or moral over-
tones. People don't react to the other
media in which diseases are spread—
air, water, insects, animals—and. they
shouldn't react to this one, either”
Time warned about the dangers of
oral sex, of touching, o[ toilet scats.
Anything except straightforward. fuck-
ing between husband and wife was a
potential hazard.

Lets examine some of the numbers.
Some experts estimate that 50,000,000
Americans have herpes virus one—the
type that produces cold sores on the
lips. One source predicts that by
the time they are 50, 98 percent of the

м

—
GIVE MORE / SAVE MORE

Send a 12 issue

first 12-issue gift.
(Save $15.00*)

(Save $17.00*)

for each additional gift.

Gift Card(s) will be sent io you to announce your special giftis)

Enter additional subscriptions on separate sheet
Please complete the following:
C] Start or renew my oun subscription

О lamendosing $— — — (ос
О Bill me after January 1, 1983,
*Based on $37.00 newsstand price.

Rates apply to 05. U.S. Poss., APO-FPO addresses only.
Canadan git rate: frst gift. $27; additonal gifts, $25.

мәй your order o PLAYBOY

P.O. Box 2523
Boulder, Colorado 80322

subscriptions

Subscription to. My Name
(please print) please print

Address = Apt Address Apt —

City. State Zip. City. State — Zip

For each gift of PLAYBOY.

you will receive this
special Gift Card to
send to your friends. f.

Or Order by Phone
24 Hours a Day.

(Except in Nebraska, Alaska, Hawaii.
In Nebraska only, call 800-642-8788.)

PLAYBOY

26

MORE THAN
JUST BUBBLES.

We ve got flavor!

Tree Top just gave two
delicious juices a sparkle. So
you can have а sparkling, nor-
alcoholic drink full of flavor—
instead of just bubbles.

Sparkling Royale has the
fresh taste of pears and grapes.

Sparkting Cider has the
clean taste of apples.

Both are made with 100%
pure fruit juice, so they're a
natural choice. And they have

celebration.
NON-ALCOHOLIC

Let Your Radio, Walkman or T.V. Come Alive!

EVERYTHING GOES

SPEAKER
SALE!

$24.95
(A PAIR!)

The hottest audio product today (you've seen
models for $50, $70, even $85!) can turn any walk
around cassette into a full sterco system instantly
your car, on the beach, at home, ANYWHERE! The
incredible sound from these gleaming Sheritone GR
8211 speakers make this offer а steal at twice the
price!

Don’t throw ош your old stereo portable radio—
renovate it into high quality sterco sound NOW!

These rugged, precisely crafted speakers offer
е Extended high frequency response
е Separate hook-up capabilities
е Long wiring with 3.5 m jack
ө Full cassette use without headphones
© Battery power for use ANYWHERE
е Light and compact for travel or storage
FULLY GUARANTEED! Yes, we're so excited
about this stereo speaker sale we'll let you test them
for 2 full weeks at home. If you aren't 100% thei
cd, just return without a word for a prompt refund!

Mirobar Distributing Dep't GR-102

404 Park Ave. So., New York, N.Y. 10016
Sirs: 1 enclose $24.95 plus $3 p&h. I understand
1 may test the Sheritone GR 8211 speakers in my
home for 2 weeks and if dissatisfied for ANY
reason, may return them for a prompt refund.

O Visa C MC Exp.Date
Acn -——————
Name. ==
address
City

State Zip.

ORDER NOW WHILE SUPPLIES LAS
=]

population will have had a brush with
HS. V.! and developed antibodies
against the disease. Numbers like that
suggest that we arc dealing not with
an epidemic but with a fact of life. A
cold sore on your lip is nothing to get
excited about. When it moves to the
genitals, Time would have you believe
it is cause for а nervous breakdown.

Time reported that 20,000,000 Amer-
icans suffer from genital herpes. Other
studies put that figure at a more con
servative 5,000,000--опе out of 48. Ас
cording to Dr. Hamilton, approximately
one quarter to one third of the people
who catch herpes experience one episode
and are never bothered again. Another
one third may experience outbreaks so
infrequently as to cause them little con
cern. One third will suffer recurrences.
They will have to learn to manage the
disease, to cope with the diabolically
unpredictable virus. Time seemed to sug
gest that once you have herpes, you're
ous from then on, no matter what
activities you pursue. Herpes is соп-
поНаЫе. Most doctors feel that you
can catch the virus only by direct con-
tact with it during or for a few days
prior to the blister stage. If you have
an outbreak, don't fool around.

Time complained that "that kind of
clinical inspection leaves little room
for mystery and candlelight.” It wants
to make love in the dark. (For mystery,
read ignorance.) When light is shed on
the disease, it loses the power to terrify

Herpes has been around for 2000
years. Experience teaches you to deal
with it. This is the view of someone
who has dealt with the disease for 20
years, a dermatologist: “The plight of
the alllicted patients has been taken up
by the popular media, and stories of
an 'incurable venereal discase in our
midst’ have served only to further the
concern and the depression of those in-
fected with herpes. To surrender sex-
ual fulfillment on the basis ol scarc
stories, testimonial reportage and down
right misinformation that 1 perceive
іп many newspaper and magazine ac-
counts is clearly a shortening and dark-
ening of known scientific facts about
the disease

Time seemed intent on creating a
new Calvinist elite—the uninfected.
What it succeeded in creating was a
smug cadre of the uninformed. That is
not sexual reportage but sexual sabo
tage. The true victims are those who
will be gullible enough to take Time's
bias for biological imperative, who will
give up the ground gained by the sex
ual revolution for the new lic. We are
a generation that grew up in an cra
without fear; we are loath to see it

return
a

infecti

Тһе most games, the
hest games are only
from Atari. Atarimakes
more video game cartridges
than anyone else.

Adventure games, arcade
games, educational games,
our new RealSports™ games.

And they only work in the
ATARI 2800 Video Computer
System™

No other system gives you
nearly as much choice.

Or nearly as much fun.

Simple, straightforward controllers.

With some systems’ controllers,
a пем game is about as much fun as
learning to type.

That's why Atari gives you easy-to-use
joysticks and paddles.

Because it’s the games you're out to
master, not the controllers.

"Trademark of Taito-America Corp. Trademark of Baily Midway Manufacturing Со. licensed by |

S71.

All for about $100 less. For the
price of other game-playing systems,
you can buy an ATARI2800 and still
have about $100 left over.

Enough to start your ATARI video
game library with hits like Pac-Man,
Asteroids, and Defender.

Which, by the way, you can't play on
other systems at any price.

۸

ATARI

ОА Warner Communications Company

© 1582 Atari, Inc. Al rights reserved

Namco-America inc. t Trademark ol Wiliams Electronics inc. ft Trademark ol Stem Electronics Inc.

ATARI

Atari brings the

| arcade classics
home. Only Atari has
home versions of Space
Invaders; Pac-Man?“
Missile Command;*
Asteroids™ Breakout!“
Defender and Berzerkłt

The greatest arcade hits
ofall time.

If you have an ATARI
system, you can play
them at home.

If you have some other
system, you can't.

You don't need two
people to play ball
with an ATARI 2600,
All the best ATARI games
can be enjoyed by a single
player.
Including our new
RealSports games. To
play an other system's
\ Sports games, you need
another person.

E t ther vodka,
A M MM

ШУ m PY mm

ш.

100% GRAIN NEUTRAL SPIRITS.

Now i
dee сы
they've always done ſor gin.

Burroughs. The English word for E

PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS

DAB-'N'-SNIFF

The following caption, quoted in its
entirety, appeared іп a recent issue of
Fortune: "At its research lab in Union
Beach, New Jersey, International Flavors
& Fragrances (IFF) gets a whiff of what
the ultimate customer wants by inviting
housewives to dab and sniff one another.”

.

Some moments аге meant to be savored.
Consider the couple who decided to
have their wedding videc-taped. The
only problem was that the father of the
bride couldn't find the 51000 in cash with
which he was going to pay for the recep-
tion. After a futile search, the bill was
paid by check and the guests settled in to
watch a replay of the ceremony on video.
What they were able to see was the father
of the groom filching the envelope of
cash. The marriage was annulled.

.

Charo, Spain's permanent ambassador
without portfolio, confessed on a radio
program, “I love American men who
have foreign blood in their behinds.”

.

Has your bank erroneously bounced
your checks all over town? Lawyer Linda
Cawley has a suggestion for revenge.
On the USA Cable Network program
Sonya, she said, “Put a dead fish in your
safedeposit box if you're angry with
your bank.”

ANIMAL QUEENDOM

It's the nature of the beast to be
horny all the time. But according to
a University of Alberta scientist, homo-
sexual bulls looking to have a gay old
time with their straight counterparts are
causing а lot of problems for cattlemen
Bulls get turned on by the scent of pher-
exual stimulant not usually
produced by the male, but gay bulls ap-
parently exude а remarkably similar

omones, а

scent. The difficulty arises when all those
torrid toros are up for a little tail: They
can literally screw the deceiver to death
Straight bulls routinely attempt to
mount other straight bulls, but when
they do, the offended party just moves
off, a little miffed but none the worse
for it. A gay bull, on the other hoof,
welcomes all the attention. After a day
of being jumped on by a series of
bulls—each weighing as much as 2000
pounds—it may not survive. Its not
easy separating two tons of humping
hulk; farmers will simply have to beef
up security when things are warming up
in the bull pen.

MIDWEST REPORT

While detailing for reporters the activi-
ties of the President during a recent tip
to Des Moines, Deputy White House
Press Secretary Larry Speakes ran through

—

events scheduled for the morning, dhe
afternoon and the early evening. At the
end of the list, he added, There are по
nighttime activities for the President. In
fact, there are no nighttime activities in
Des Moines at any time.”

.

And Generalissimo Larry and Ayatol-
lah Curly: Master Sergeant Samuel К.
Doe, who in 1980 seized power in a
bloody coup in Liberia, visited Ronald
Reagan in the Rose Garden not long
ago. The President introduced his guest
as Ch

irman Moe.

.
Educated women know what they want.
And so it shouldn't come as a surprise
that the magazine of the Texas Women's
University was called PRIX.
.

Maybe if you stopped beating her,
she'd come home. The following classi-
fied ad appeared recently: "Lost—white
long-haired micdle sized female with two
black eyes. Reward.”

PRESSURE TO CONTRIBUTE

The saffron robe, the shaved head and
the finger cymbals have given way to the
lab coat and the stethoscope. Yes, in New
York City, the Krishna Consciousness So-
ciety high jumpers who annoyed us at
airports are now soliciting bucks іп re-
turn for curbside blood-pressure readings.

REIGNING CATS AND DOGS

A unit of Chinese soldiers stationed
on some islands in the South China Sea
is locked in battle with the local ecol-
ogy, according to the Peking based mag
azine Nature. It seems that the soldiers
imported some chickens to supplement
their uninteresting military rations with
eggs, some of which hatched and pro-
duced chicks, which began attracting
predatory rats weighing up to two pounds

29

PLAYBOY

30

each. Rat- control experts were called in,
and when they failed to solve the prob-
lem, a shipment of cats was requisitioned.
The cats proved afraid of the rats and
took up eating rare birds. Next, dogs
were imported to go alter the cats, which
merely scampered up trees, leaving the
dogs to bark and to fight one another.
Аг last report, the soldiers had called
for a (сат of ecologists to restore order.

BUTTING OUT

Егіс В. Finkelman, 25, a student at
Vanderbilt University, wanted to play a
practical joke on passing motorists, but
his efforts fell flat. So did he. On a bus
tour returning from a whiskey distillery
in Nashville, Finkelman decided to moon
the world at large from one of the bus
windows. Dropping his drawers, he
pressed his bare buns against the win-
dowpane and, before he could say “Is
this the end?" the window popped out.
Finkelman followed suit. He wasn't seri-
ously injured, but he was admonished
by local law officials about his сһеску
behavior.

LAYING ON OF HANDS

What do you get when you cross Jerry
Falwell with Billy Jack? Answer: Samuel
Doyle, owner of the Karate for Christ
martialarts school in Grand Rapids,
Michigan—a man who's seen the light
and has grown callused.

"I believe that the Lord works through
you and that karate helps build your
confidence,” says Doyle, who smashes
boards with his bare hands while teaching
the Scriptures. "I show people that the
Word of God is quick and powerful and
sharper than any two-edged sword. With
His help, you can slice through any temp-
tation."

Speaking of which, Doyle spent three
Kentucky county jail last year
for writing checks that didn't quite cut it.
He dedded to open the school when һе
was released and to let students pay what-
ever they could afford. “I'm doing it all
in the belief that you should give and it
shall be given back to you,” Doyle says.

Like, when somebody gives you a jab
in the neck, you want to be able to
give it back, right?

.

Gannett Today titled a story about the
governmental displeasure at Chinese
youth wearing English-language mes-
sages this мау: ХА TEED-OFF AT
T-SHITS;

.
Seek and Ye Shall Find: When New

York's annual С
N

у and Lesbian Pride
rch brought tens of thousands to Cen-
Park last summer, bicyclist Judith
Fein lamented the human traffic jam.
“Гуе got a softball game on Governors
Island," she said, "and I have to catch
a ferr

CHECKING IN

English-born Joan Collins has been emoting onscreen since she was a ravishing
16-year-old. Today, the internationally recognized actress is best known for her role
аз “Dynasty's” stylishly conniving Alexis Carrington. Contributing Editor David

Rensin reports: ^

PLAYBOY: You're suddenly a star on one
of America's top-rated TV shows; what's
more, you get to play a strong, cunning
and not very likable character. Do you
find that fans have trouble distinguish-
ing between Alexis Carrington and Joan
corus: A lot of fans, especially in the
States, find it hard to separate the two.
Since I play a very hateable woman,
naturally some people are really going to
hate me. Recently, when I was shopping
at Bonwit's, I was besieged by an army
of ladies while 1 was trying on lipstick
and eye shadow. Fo .
me. A few years ago, in England, 1 did a
movie called The Stud |а scene from
which is pictured on page 235), and the
character 1 played did to men what men
have been doing to women for thousands
ot years. There were a lot of women who
admired that.

PLAYBOY: Another thing you did in The
Stud and in your next film, The Bitch,
was appear in erotic nude scenes. Why,
in your 40s, are you still taking off your
clothes?

COLLINS: I don't consider it any different
from taking off my clothes in my 30s. If
I hadn't felt I could cut it, there's no
way I would have done it. When I did
The Stud, I took a good, long, hard look
at myself in the mirror. And it looked
all right to me.

PLAYBOY: Were you concerned
reactions of people close to you?

cous: I only thought about what my
father would think. He sat behind me at
the opening night of The Stud. Every
time a nude scene came on, І turned
around to see his reaction. He scemed to
be enjoying it. Afterward, he said that it

bout the

joan Collins is one great reason why our elders should be revered.”

was a good film and that I looked at-
tractive. I was surprised, because I was
brought up in a rather strict and old
fashioned family.

In fact, that film was very much a
family project. My sister, Jackie, wrote
the book and the sercenplay. My hus-
band, Ron Kass, produced. It was he
who encouraged me to do more nudity
than I had wanted to do. made mc
quite cross some of the time. In one
scene, I was lying on a table next to an
other girl, being massaged. I wanted to
have a towel over my butt, but Ron said,
“Do you normally ha
when you're being massage
"Sometimes I do, sometim:
way, I hate massages.” Ron thought ti
was a cop-out, and we argued about it
for three hts in а row. He won. He
was the producer.

Anyway, nudity was not the greatest
part of The Stud. There was a love scene
in an elevator that people thought was
incredibly sexy. My character was video-
taping the whole thing to show her girl-
friend later. 1 had read somewhere tl
women often fantasize about being
watched while making love. It might be
appealing. 1 don’t know if I'd do the
same thing today—the nudity, 1 mean.
Actually, I wouldn't do a movie like
The Stud today. I don't have to.
FLAYDOY: Why was jour aut
Past Imperfect, published in
and not in the U.S.?

COLLINS: Alter it was published in Eng
id. I got so much flak that I thought
that if I were getting that treatment in
a place where I was supposed to be well
liked, they would cut me to ribbons in
America. I didn't think I could face

11 mg. “tar”, 0.8 mg. nicotine zu. per cigarette, FTC Report DEC. 781.

-R
Гела.
М и в

hh. d (25

=

Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined |
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health.

| Se

PLAYBOY

32

going on the talk-show circuit and giving
interviews, with people criticizing me
for having written a kiss-and-tell book.

PLAYBOY: Was il
COLLINS: I didn't consider it that. It was
never done gratuitously or to make
people salivate about my various ro-
mances. However, since a great part of
my life was involved with men—I was
married at 17 and have always been in-
volved with someone—it would have
been untrue to have written about just
my carcer without including my personal
Ше. I don't mind being cri ed for
what I do a: actress, but I found that
it hurt a lot to be criticized for what I
had written about my life. So I decided
to clam up. The best way to do that was
to stop the book from being published

in America. I gave Warner Books back
my $100,000 advance.

PLAYBOY: [t was written at the outset of
the celeb-bio craze. Do you think its rev-
elations would now be considered tame?
COLLINS: No.

PLAYBOY: One of the men with whom
you were involved was Warren Beatty,
who is famous for having supposedly
said about marriage, "I'm not going to
make the same mistake once.” Do you
think Beatty will ever get married?
COLLINS: My educated guess is that he
won't. We were engaged a long time ago,
іп 1961. We had the same astrologer. I'd
already been married once, and the
astrologer had predicted my next two:
to Anthony Newley and to my present
husband, Ron. Not by name, of course.

It started ош as ап experime
Could 1 program my home computer
to make up jokes? Since it has thc
ability to choose numbers at random,
I decided to let my ТЕ5-80 sort
through a stack of nouns, verbs and
other parts of speech to put together
sentences and phrases ol its own in-
vention. One thing I learned was that
it can turn out 3000 one-liners per
hour. You might expect а computer
10 come up with scientific jokes such
as "Take my temperature, please!"
but that wasn't the way it turned out.

Simple comic headlines were the
first items I programmed the com-
puter to generate

"SCIENTISTS DISCOVER NEW MOON OR-
BITING KATE SMITH!”

“TORNADO KILLS FIVE, SELF!"

“POPULATION OF INDIA DISCOVERED
IN SECRET LOVE NEST WITH VAST HERD
OF CATTLE!

W TYPE OF MILKMAN DROPPED ON

“STICK FIGURE LEAPS TO DEATH FROM
Tor OF STICK
ases also seemed a ripe subject:
CURVATURE OF THE NURSE
ATHLETE'S BRAIN
CHEESE-IS-MOUTI DISEASE
‘The phone book provided materi

for names of comical compani
POLLUTION R Us (“WATCH
SMOKE")
AAA DEITY REMOVAL ("IF IT'S ALL-
POWERFUL, WE'LL GET КІШ OF Г
ICAGO COIN-&-STAMP CEMETERY
(“FOR YOUR BELOVED COLLECTIBLES")
New inventions were easy for the
computer:
MICKEY ROONEY-PROOF GLASS

POCKET INSURANCE SALESMAN

EMERGENCY DRIBBLE MUG

1.9. RETARDANT,

And, for the casual-employment ap-
plicant: TEMPORARY JOB SPORTSW

The computer is also capable of
making fun with nonprofit organiza-
tions:

THE CAMPFIRE PUPPETS

THE JUNIOR PHONY CLUB

ТИЕ INSECT-SEAL SOCIETY

When programmed with food
words, it responded with these gour-

our

У AU GRATIN

FUR-BALL SHORTCAKE.

Now that it has mastered oneliners,
I'm trying to get the computer to
create entire television shows for me.
How does This Is Your Hat sound?

— JOHN SWARTZWELDER

He had also predicted ıhat Warren
wouldn't marry or, if he did, it wouldn't
be until he was at least 45. I tend to be-
lieve the astrologer, because he predicted
his own death—the month and ever
thing. I understand he locked himself in
his own house and died of malnutrition.
pLaysoy: What do you think your life
would be like if you weren't sexy? And
what are some of the problems of being
born beautiful?

COLLINS: One problem is that it’s like
being born rich and getting poorer. I
was always pretty and gorgeous and sexy.
And that seemed to be the only way
people thought of me at the outset. So
my self esteem was pretty low. I didn't
like being whistled and hooted at. Or
having producers letch at me. But, frank-
ly, if 1 had a choice between beautiful
and not bcautiful, Га choose beautiful.
There are women who are born beauti-
ful who just become empty. They have
nothing in their heads except worrying
about their faces’ falling. Well, faces are
going to fall. I prefer the way I look
now to the way I looked in my 20s. My
face is better now. A few lines, but what
the hell.

PLAYBOY: Weren't you on Star Trek?
COLLINS: Only Trekkies know that. The
episode “The City on the Edge of For-
ever” was one of the most popular.
PLAYBOY: You and Bill Shatner fell in
love in that episode. You kissed,
COLLINS: I can't remember. I've kissed
so many men—I mean, in movies. Film
kissing is about the unsexiest thing you
can do. You have to be aware of hair-
pieces and smudged lipstick and eye-
brows and noses getting in the w
Noses particularly.

PLAYBOY: Who intimidates you?
COLLINS: Anybody famous. rich and good-
looking. Once, after doing a workshop
called Actualizations, I was very brave
and went up to Woody Allen at onc of
Sue Mengers' parties. I said, "Oh, Mr.
Allen, I really admire your work. I think
you're terrific. And I read somewhere
that you are very shy, and so I feel we
have something in common, because I'm
very shy, too.” He just looked at me and
said, “Well, you could have fooled me.
PLAYBOY: You've made more than 50
movies. Which one do you consider the
biggest bomb?

cotuns: Empire of the Ants. I ended up
being chased by giant ants through Flor-
ida swamps before being squashed to
death by one while its noxious fumes
enveloped me. Oh, God!

PLAYBOY: Is it true that an Arab sheik
offered your first husband money to
make love to you?

cotLins: Yes. How could I make that
up? It was £10,000, which, at the time,
was about $30,000. I was nearly 18. We
were at a night club, Les Ambassadeurs,
and my husband said, “бо, baby.” And
T said, "No, baby.” And that was when
the marriage went down the tubes.

lE OUR Е АЗБА ЛЫ

Tuaca. Among its exquisite tastes one can perceive а whisper of vanilla and a kiss of orange.
Very Italian and completely delicious. A golden amber liqueur with a rich aroma and bouquet that

pleases the senses. Tuaca. About $15 the bottle.

ы
©
m
b
“
ы
а

Justin proudly introduces The Se: 3 Featuring a 13" top, these boots В:
Genuine lizard, available in 8 beautiful crafted wood pegged shanks and arc
colors with matching belts, and priced hand lasted. You will not find a better
considerably less than you would boot for your money. See your Justin
expect to pay for a quality exotic boot. dealer for The Senator today. ame Amen

‘STANDARD OF THE WEST SINCE 1879

UPDATE

T: Playboy Interview has a way of
taking on a life of its own—if you
don't believe us, ask Jimmy Carter. But
the latest interviewspawned headline
epidemic has turned into a full-fledged
treasure hunt, sending art historians, TV
anchor men and newspaper correspond-
cnts on the trail of a nude statue for
which Bette Davis told pLaysoy she had
posed as a teenager.

ince the interview with the esteemed
actress was published in our July issue,
art bulls with an investigative bent have
been secking the sculpture with Bette
Davis eyes, thighs and presumably every
thing else; the search been publi-
cized in newspapers from coast to coast,
not to mention Time, Newsweek and
the CBS Morning News.

Bette Davis early in her film career.

Statue, statue;
who's got the
Bette Davis statue?

The grouping in Edwards' garden, with a close-up of Bette's (?) face.

Most of the excitement has been gen-
crated in the Boston area, since Miss
Davis had said she believed the statue
was installed in a Boston park. City
parks olficials, however, were quick to
point out that their outdoor statuary
tends to run the gamut from poets to
war heroes—mostly male and clothed. A
brief candidate for celebrity, a statue in
Boston's Tigerlilies restaurant, was re-
vealed to have been recently purchased
from a Maine antiques dealer. The search
was believed to have come to an end in
a back room of the Boston Museum of
Fine Arts, where a 1924 statue titled
Young Diana, by Anna Hyatı Hunting-
ton, was found gathering du:

Well, the time was right—Miss Davis
had said she'd posed for the work when
she was 16 or 18—and the gender of the
artist was as са by Bette, But the
torso on the Museum of Fine Arts’ can-
didate resembled that of a young boy,

and the actress had noted that she'd had
“the perfect figure” for the job.

Enter 76-year-old Bob Edwards of
Beverly, Massachusetts, who believes he
has the real Bette immortalized in a
fountain group on the grounds of his
private museum, Paradise, at 13 Foster
Street. This work was created by sculp-
tress Anna Coleman Ladd and was briefly
on display in a park—the Boston Pub-
lic Garden—but was removed in 1933
after a public outcry against its nudity.
Edwards, who was a friend of Mrs. Ladd's
family, now exhibits some 10 pieces of her
work from ten A.M. to one P.M. оп Sun
days, April 15 to October 15.

Meanwhile, the Bettelike Diana is still
on display at the Museum of Fine Arts,
where, а staffer confided, it's been draw-
ing more attention than a much-bally-
hooed exhibit on American decorative
arts. A near twin of Boston's boylike
“Bette” has been spotted in San Diego's

Boston museum's Diana.

Tigerlilies' candidate.

Balboa Park, and three Dianas (two by
the aforementioned Mrs. Huntington)
are located іп Brookgreen Gardens, south
of Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. Still
another Huntington Diana graces the
rotunda of the Washington County Mu
scum of Fine Arts in Hagerstown, Mary-
land. And an lowa janitor is convinced
he has the real thing: a bust found in
a Cedar Rapids theater

So the mystery continues. The only
person who may know the truth is Bette
Davis, and at this point, she's not talk.
ing, having told reporters she’s sorry she
ever mentioned it.

33

34

ut down these mean streets a man
must go who is not himself mean, who
is neither tarnished nor afraid. . . “
"That's the standard for fictional private
eyes set by Raymond Chandler in 1944.
Since then, his Philip Marlowe and
Dashiell Hammett's Sam Spade and The
Continental Op have all gone on the
big sleep. And their successor, world-
weary Lew Archer, has been retired by
the ill health of his creator, Ross Mac-
donald. Which raises the question:
Who's minding today's mean streets?
Well, different times demand different
detectives, but in our quest for modern
Marlowes, I suggest we stick to basics.
Let's leave Mike McQuay's space sleuth,
Mathew Swain, to the Star Wars set and
wish the nostalgia buffs well h Stuart
Kaminsky's goldenage gumshoe, Toby
Peters. Walter Wager's liberated woman,
Alison Gordon, and Joseph Hansen's
gay insurance investigator, Dave Brand-
stetter, are up-to-date variations on the
theme, but they're still a bit too gim-
micky to be the Great American Пегес-
tives for whom readers and publishers
аге searchinj
Many critics feel that Robert B. Par-
ker's Boston bulldog, Spenser, fills the
bill. I don't agree. Parker has said that,
as a teenager, һе "saw in Marlowe an
icon of manhood to which everyone
should aspire." Fine, but in his middle
years, he tempered that icon with Ar-
cher's intense social sensitivity. Now, after
nine novels, Parker has turned Spenser
into the Alan Alda of detectivedom, a
hero so smugly self rightecus and annoy-
ingly fair-minded that, in his new book,
Ceremony (Delacorte). he can say to his
troubled. girlfriend, "Because [a thing]
is right doesn't make it easy.” Just what
we nced—the private eye as Pollyanna.
Let me recommend, instead, three
licensed pros who are fighting today's so-
phisticated criminals and sociopaths
without simping out. Michael 2. Lewin's
Albert Samson is a thoughtful Indianap-
olis loner who, in the recent Missing
Woman (Knopf) tells us, "In a matter
of an hour, I had faced two different
murderers who felt no guilt. 1 was think-
ing that, of the two, I preferred nci-
ther." Samson eschews guns and fists in
favor of deadpan humor and ights
into human behavior. His author hopes
someday to achieve a style that is “a sort
of cross between Hammett and Jane
Austen, with a little leaping from roof-
top to rooftop." I'd say he's almost there.
In Lawrence Block's Eight Million Ways
to Die (Arbor House), Matthew Scudder,
an alcoholic New York City shamus, is
told by a cop, “You remember that pro-
gram... “There are eight million stories
in the naked сиу’... You know what you
got in this city . . ? You got eight million

Dicks for a new decade.

A new batch of private
eyes, Cool cataloged
and Vonnegut's latest.

THE
CATALOG OF

We're hip, man; are you?

ways to die.” Obsessed, Scudder starts
counting them in a darkly humorous
ny lifted from the obits in the morn.
ing papers. But just as Marlowe was
capable of appreciating in
bloom behind a whorchouse, Scudder
finds some solace by solving a murder
or two in a decade when life is at its
cheapest.

Finally, we have Arthur Lyons’ Los
Angeles private investigator, Jacob Asch,
who, in Hard Trade (Holt, Rinehart &

Winston), uses wisecracks, a battered but
still operative conscience and as many
uppers as it takes to get the job done.
In the course of a twisting tale involv
ing land scams, chicken hawks and cor-
rupt politicians, Asch shadows a male
prostitute to The Valentino Arms. “Very
romantic,” he comments. "I wondered
if the Great Valentino ever charged for
his services. Probably. After all, this was
Hollywood.”

The Op. Spade. Marlowe. Archer.
Samson, Scudder and Asch. An Ameri
can tradition continues down those
mean streets. —DICK LOCHTE

.

Editor Gene Sculatti's The Catalog of
Cool (Warner) is the Whole Earth Cata
log of items produced by the Fifties-
Eighties pop culture that the author finds
cool—which, he explains, is eternal. If
that's so, then we hipsters, flipsters and
finger-poppin' daddies ought to protest
Sculatti’s inclusion of such temporal flim-
flam as the movie Beyond the Valley of
the Dolls and such hot performers as
James Brown, Gary U.S. Bonds and
Eddie Cochran. What's going on here is
a redefinition of the term cool. Given
that. The Catalog is a good record of
what's happened outside the cultural
mainstream for the past few decades. But
what bothers us is this: Do truly cool
people make lists?

.

John Updike resurrects Henry Bech
for his new book, Bech Is Back (Knopf).
In these seven stories (three of which
have appeared іп PLAYBOY), novelist
Bech faces a series of plights as he briefly
its, among other spots, the island of
San Poco, the city of Jerusalem and the
state of matrimony. Bech is back after
12 years—and Updike is as witty and
entertaining as ever.

.

In order to pull off a book about
Panache and the Art of Faking It (Tribeca),
you'd better be damned sure you know
your subject well or have a writing style
funny enough that your audience won't
care. Bob Levine lacks both, so he drags
us along on a tour of his opinions about
women, vacations, entertainment,

finance a г convenient preoccupa-
tions. is a lot of his inform
tion inaccurate but Levine further

insults the reader by taking himself seri-
ously. Pass up this book with panache.
.
Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., Hoosier sophisti-
n an oxymoronic
are hopeless ro-
nd blind vision-

ves and writes
rid. His characte
mantics, idiot savants à
ies, all feeling their through the
modern Dark Ages. His new novel, Dead-
eye Dick (Delacorte/Seymour Lawrence),

80 PROOF. IMPORTED BY © W.A. TAYLOR CO.. МАМ, FLORIDA 1981
PAINTING. THE CALVIN BULLOCK COLLECTION.

COURVOISIER. THE COGNAC OF NAPOLEON
3 C

PLAYBOY

36

Every playback is an encore.

Stevie Wonder takes his music
home from the studio on TDK.
Because he knows that TDK tape
records and captures everything
he creates...and gives it back to
him playback after playback after
playback.

TDE's advanced audio cas-
sette technology gives you the full
musical spectrum. Таке TDK's AD
cassettes, for example. AD's are the
normalbias cassettes with a bril-
liant high end, broad dynamic range
and low noise levels. They give you
outstanding performances at an
outstanding value.

All TDK audio cassettes are
designed to capture the wonder of

(©1982 ТОК Electronics Corp.

the creative mind. That's why Stevie
Wonder wouldn't think of using any
other cassette.

Find out for yourself what
makes TDK cassettes special. You'll
find every playback is an encore...
for a lifetime.

шинин

етек. AD9O!

&TDK.

Music lives on TDK

details the struggle of accidental mur-
derer Rudy Waltz to ride out his mad
family's life cycle and live down the day
he sent a bullet into the air of Midland
City, Ohio. Rudy gets to see the varied
effects of a neutron bomb, a freakish
shooting, a radioactive mantelpiece and
plenty more of the things that justify
paranoia. Deadeye Dick is gimmicky and
manipulative, yet by its finish it be-
comes, somehow, a moving fable of pas-
sive resistance. Vonnegut, sweet cynic
and ugly duckling, continues to write
gentle swan songs for our uncivil society.
.

Raven—The Untold Story of the Rev. Jim
Jones and His People (Dutton) is morbid,
sickening, compelling. Beginning with
Jones's boyhood іп Indiana—character-
ized even then by aberrant behavior—
the book meticulously reports every
step of the progression that culminated
at Jonestown; its title, incidentally, re-
fers to Jones's jet-black hair (kept that
way in later years with the help of
Clairol Black). Tim Reiterman, who
wrote Raven with John Jacobs, was with
Congressman Leo Ryan and was wound-
ed during the massacre in Guyana. De-
spite his personal involvement, Raven
is coolly reportorial, based on informa-
tion derived from interviews, documents
and other research over a four-year peri-
od. It’s an objective account, so you'll be
forced to make your own analysis of the
nature of the grisly phenomenon that
was Jim Jones and the People’s Temple.

.

Len Deighton's Goodbye, Mickey Mouse
(Knopf) is not about bombing Disney-
land or even about graduating from
college. Its a hard-Aying, softloving
melodrama set in and around an Army
Air Corps base in World War Two Eng-
land. Mickey Morse, the ace with the
titular nickname, is tough. Jamie Fare-
brother, his fly-boy friend, is thoughtful.
The Germans are bad. While it never
flies too high, there’s something com-
forting about a modern novel whose
message is a simple "War is heck.”

.
In One Fell Soup (Little, Brown), Roy
Blount Jr. cooks up a very funny con-
coction of magazine pieces, with assorted
songs and comic sketches thrown in. If
you believe the subtitle on the book's
just a bug on the windshield
but if you judge him by its con-
tents, Blount's a Mark Twain for our
times.

.

General Sir John Hackett is the histori
an of the future global war. In his second
novel about it, The Third World War: The
Untold Story (Macmillan), he updates and
details the plausibilities of events lead-
ing up to a Soviet attack in August
1985—this time concentrating on the
Soviet point of view. This is fascinating
stuff but not an easy read. With all the
coolness of an Army briefing, Hackett

North Country.” Jantzen sweaters for bodies that like to
play іп the cold. Remarkable wool-like Wintuk Orlon:
And a Scandinavian look. Get warm in one soon.

Nobody knows |
bodies better.

Because Sony redesigned the carstereo,
the auto makers don't haveto redesign the car.

The interior of an automobile is
designed with a lot of purposes in
mind. Unfortunately, great stereo
sound reproduction isn't one of them.

Fortunately, Sony did more than
just tackle this problem. They actu-
ally solved it. By designing a stereo
system that meets the acoustical
challenges inherent in acar.

INTRODUCING THE SONY
SOUNDFIELD™ SYSTEM.

As the very name of our system
indicates, we started with the acous-
tical sound field itself by treating the
entire front of the car as a stage. The
very directional high-end and mid-
range frequencies emanate from this
stage in an accurate stereo image.

‘Two Super Woofers

in the rear create deep,
dramatic bass.

the fron! “soundstage.”

© 1982 Sony Corporation of America, Sony and
SoundField are trademarks of Sony Corporation.
Models shown: Х5-120 Super Woofers, 25-301 Front
Speakers XR-55 in dach Cassetle/Recemer,
XM-E7 Graphic Equal

izer/Amplifier and XM-120 Amplifier.

So the highs come across clear and
soaring. The midrange, natural and

Non Directional f
Frequency Response
она 200

Stereolmage
Frequency Response
20009

The bass frequencies below l00Hz
actually are directed from the rear of
the car, where the Super Woofers
are placed. However, since these
frequencies are omnidirectional, they
seem to be coming from the proper
"stage" location.

The result is richer, fuller, and
more dramatic bass.

CONVERT WITH COMPONENTS.

The optimum SoundField System
consists of a powerful amplifier
(XM-120) driving a pair of 8" Super
Woofers (XS-L20), along with a
medium-powered amplifier driving
the front speakers. This means full-
range speakers can be used without
risk of modulation distortion.
But you can begin to enjoy the

SoundField System simply by add-
ing one of our lower powered ampli-
fiers and the Super Woofers to the
car stereo you already have. Then
you can slowly build up your system,
adding a higher powered amplifier,
more speakers, and an equalizer,

А SOUND THAT TAKES
А BACKSEAT TO NONE.

Although the technology of the
Sony SoundField System is complex,
the reason for it is simple.

It will give you high dB levels with
very low distortion, extremely pre-
cise stereo imaging, and an amaz-
ingly broad frequency response. In
addition, you'll be pleasantly sur-
prised at just how easily a SoundField
System can be installed in your car.

So come into your local Sony
dealer and ask to hear the next gen-
eration in autosound systems.

One listen and you'll know why
the auto makers don't have to rede-

sign the car. SONY

THE ONE AND ONLY

tells us about the complex underpin-
gs of freedom; that is, the capa-
bilities and vulnerabilities of a vast
inventory of hardware and personnel.
Hackett reworks the old Roman saying:
“If you want nuclear peace, prepare for
nonnuclear war: but be ready to pay the
price." His message is very stark.
.

Reagan (Putnam's) is a political biogra-
phy of Ronald Reagan by Lou Cannon,
White House correspondent for The
Washington Post. Cannon is a journal-
ist who has been covering Reagan since
1966, and he describes in some detail
the career, the roots, the alliances of the
small-town boy who moved from the
Midwest to Hollywood to Washington.
“He has not left the world the way he
found it," Cannon concludes, Hardly a
deep or an original observation and right
in line with the caliber of perception dis-
played; rarely does Cannon tell us some-
thing we don't already know: "Reagan
has yet to be fully defined by either his
advocates or his opponents,” he says.
It's still true.

BOOK BAG

The Cult of the Atom (Simon & Schuster),
by Daniel Ford: Sometimes awkwardly
vritten but an important exposé of the
history of nuclear power in America,
showing that scientists inside the in-
dustry had doubts from the beginning.

Night Vision: Confessions of а Private Eye
(Simon & Schuster), by John Sedgwick:
Authentic adventures of a genuine Bos-
ton-based investigator, Gil Lewis, who
cracks tough cases.

Summer Crossing (Random House), by
Steve Tesich: Screenwriter turned novel-
ist Tesich here mines the same territory
he has explored in his movies—relent-
lessly. Pass it by.

The Names (Knopf), by Don DeLillo:
Always an interesting storyteller, DeLillo
brings us a new novel, set in Greece,
about everything from fatherhood to
cults. A compelling read.

The False Messich (Houghton Mifflin), by
Leonard Wolf: A historical novel about
а 17th Century man, earthy and driven,
with a vision and throngs of Moo
like followers. It's heavy on the hero's
story and light on his preaching, so the
reader ends up liking the guy.

Scandals, Scamps, and Scoundrels (Random
House), by James Phelan: A walk down
memory lane with the investigative re-
porter who broke the Clifford Irving/
Howard Hughes hoax. Phelan relates
the stories behind 11 of his most inter-
esting cases. You'll enjoy the trip.

Intensive Care: A Family Love Story (Ran-
dom House), by Mary-Lou Weisman:
A true story about two overachievers—
a lawyer and a writer—forced to con-
front a situation they cannot fix: the
death of their son. Weisman tells it
trathfully but with humor.

Gilbeys idea of a Tom Collins.
More gin taste.

The F tosty Bome win те diamond abel an cl Wodemarkrepsterea win ne US татті ass On Dele Landon Ory Gn,
ВО Pro 100% Grain Neural Sorts. W & A. Gilbey И. Dir by Кап! Dit Products Co. N!

EDGE USERS:
IF YOU
DONT.

LIKE
RISE SUPER GEL
BETTER,

a
WELLGIVE
YOU DOUBLE
YOUR MONEY

Just send the can with cash receipt to PO. Box
1811, Winston-Salem, NC 27102.” Refund offer
up to 54.50. Limit One per customer. Offer
expires March 31, 1984.

© Carter-Wallace, inc. 1982

WHILE OTHERS PROMISE. .

WE DELIVER ат
SEND FOR OUR
А 980 тоо
Балара аты
сие 800-221-8180

Tir AA ‘SUPER SPECIALS

id

8828888450

айсыз гардан

ГЫ;

8855 ET ET

23 PARR ROW БЕТ TM MUN DUM

Rated 71 for Service and Reliability

40

S IT LIVE OR IS IT ?: “People are

conditioned by TV and movies to be
observers, to sit in the dark and hide.
Sometimes, you have to shake people into
realizing that something's alive. Liveness
is so unusual.” Daryl Hall was explain-
ing why, in concert, the Daryl Hall and
John Oates band likes to throw a little
light—a klieg light—on its audience,
frequently for the length of a song. That
and the shocking discovery that those
fashionable fellows on the record jackets
actually jump around, howl, moan and
sweat act as potent catalysts to the people
in the seats. In no time, they're bounc-
ing in their seats and responding to
Най call on Sara Smile.

A musically tight embrace with no
strings attached, the H & О live show is
touring the U.S. this winter on the heels
of the band's new release, Н.О (КСА)
It may be the best show you'll see this
season. Illuminating the audience is the
sole gimmick in a program that sanctifies
visual simplicity with dean staging and
unobtrusive lighting.

The music and the players are the
story. Keyboardist Hall and rhythm gui-
tarist Oates have never forgotten the
simple virtues of strect-corner harmony—
the same stuff they sang as teenagers in
Philly. That memory of Philly soul per-
meates their music, and you don't have
to listen too hard to hear vestiges of
Gamble and Huff's legendary "sound of
Philadelphia.” In fact, Hall worked for
them when he was only 15.

And like the best R&B bands, theirs is
a hot, tight ensemble that takes short,

tothe-point solos. On saxophone is
Charlie “Mr. Cool de Sax" DeChant,
remembered adoringly by one adolescent
fan as “the sex player.” С. E. Smith is
the virtuoso lead guitarist, who has a
charming solo album. The rhythm sec-
tion holds with Mickey Curry on drums
-Bone" Wolk on bass.

Hall and Oates are choosy about their
sidemen, demanding not only musician-
ship but affable personalities and a facil-
ity for background vocals. "You can find
a lot of great bass players, but to find
somcone who can sing is another story.
I think we've got something now," Hall
said in that carefully terse way men
speak when they're afraid of sounding
gushy. Hall and Oates's praise finds ex-
pression in loyalty, job security and
insurance for their band.

you'll be happy to

inwood / Talking Back to the Night
2. The Rockets / Rocket Roll

3. Free Flight / The Jozz/Classical Union

4. Elvin Jones / Earth Jones

5. Nove Combo / Animation Generation

— — TRUST Us

The entries on

JM melted down and cast as objets

HEA T dart that our music editor intends
TC to donate to charity or, perhaps, to
f the P.L.O. for target practice, or

a ы maybe to Pia Zadora or.

“Sure, nobody talks about that,” Oates
explained. “For a musician, that actually
means something.

So this is what it’s come to. As rock
"n' roll gets older and musicians get suc
cessful, they try to set up a good benefits
program to please the hired help. "Its
no longer a thing where you're up on
the stage for a few years and then retire
and run a rccord store. It's something
you want to keep doing," said Hall

So, how come, at show time, these
members of the Benevolent and Protec-
tive Order of Bandleaders keep their
safe spot onstage while they send their
sax man up the aisles into the audience?

"We're experimenting with wireless
sound and Charlie's the guinea pig,"
said Oates, smiling.

Hall sniffed, here's a fine line be-
tween going into the audience and feel-
ing that you could go—but not going.
It's almost like foreplay.”

And foreplay—keeping the show mov-
ing—is the most valued commodity in
this organization. Once, Smith wandered
out onto the stage apron for a solo, whip-
ping through a few imaginatively bent
notes, when—awk!—his guitar became
unplugged. He stopped dead, cartooned
a look of shock and slowly, with Chaplin.
esque deliberation, set about replugging
the cord. The audience was knocked out.

So were Hall and Oates; it's that loose,
good-time attitude that makes this band
go over live.

"We let people do whatever they
want," Hall noted.

"Within reason," laughed Oates.

"Sometimes without reason,"
shook his head and grinned.

--КАТЕ NOLAN

REVIEWS
When you hear the name Santana,
Latin percussion and African rhythms
start throbbing in your head. As usual, on

Hall

our Not list,
know, have been

NOT

1. Scott Baio

Vanity 6

Headpins / Turn It loud
var / Black Tiger

5. Rush / Signals.

Shango (Columbia), Carlos Santana pays
proper homage to his Latin roots and
his jazz interests. This time, on its 14th
album, the band is in top shape, especial-
ly on such diverse cuts as the title tune
and Junior Walker's 1969 gem What
Does It Take (To Win Your Love). The
reggae ballad Let Me Inside may put
you away.
.

We've experienced a live Teddy Pen-
dergrass concert and felt his magic spell.
We also felt the pain that our Teddy
bear might not pull through his tragic
auto accident. But he's doing better and
better. In the meantime, we have some-
thing to clutch. This One's for You (Phila-
delphia International) is a compilation
of Pendergrass love cuts recorded from
1976 to 1981 but never before released.
Very cuddly Teddy.

.

“Juju music is essentially party mu-
sic. . . . The rhythm is simple, and once
you hook it up, it flows endlessly.” That's
King Sunny Adé, describing the music on
his first American release, Juju Music (Man-
Бо), featuring King Sunny and His Afri-
can Beats. The King, one of Nigeria's big-
gest stars, is accurate, but we've found
that the music, a hybrid of African rhy-
thms and Western guitar stylings, survives
a solitary listen quite well. too.

.

Wanna heat up а cold winter пірім?
Try George Thorogood and the Destroy-
ers“ new album, Bad fo the Bone (EMI
America). No violins here, folks; just the
fast, raw, sweaty stuff that made rock
famous. Even the slow, bluesy numbers
smoke. The inner sleeve borrows Ted
Nugent's traditional warning: “To
be fully enjoyed, this record should be
played at maximum volume.” The line
may be cribbed, but it represents truth
in advertising.

SHORT CUTS

Marshall Chapman / Таке № on Home
(Rounder): Check out Booze іп Your
Blood, then wy to imagine an entire
concert sizzling along at that pitch. Un-
fortunately, Chapman still hasn't made
an album that can touch her live act.

Stacy Lottisaw / Sneakin’ Our (Cotillion):
Even with Narada Michael Walden (the
man with the heavy left foot) producing,
this album is a bit light.

The Very Best of Rufus with Chaka Khan
(МСА): If you liked them the first time,
these cuts will remind you what funk
means.

Cheetah / Rock & Roll Women (Atlantic):
Lyndsay and Chrissie Hammond are
rock-n roll women.

Pointer Sisters / 5о Excited! (Planet): Ruth,
Anita and June manage to be heard
through Richard Perrys strings, but this
isn't gutsy like the nearly perfect Slow
Hand.

FAST TRACKS

STREET-CHIC DEPARTMENT: To us, he's Rick James, but to himself, he's James
Johnson. "Rick James is strictly business. R&B. Rhythm and business. He's an
image, a job." And to move the Rick James character into new arenas, James
Johnson is planning a line of inexpensive New Wave fashions to be marketed
world-wide. The silk-screened T-shirts are pastel, with jut-jawed faces of men
and women. We can only imagine what's distinctive about the pants! Stay tuned
for details—and look out, Gloria Vanderbilt; Mr. Punk Funk's coming to get ya!

EELING AND ROCKING: More Rick James
R news. His first movie, Spice of
Life, goes into production next
month—written by, produced by and
starring Rick. He also wrote the mu-
sic. The subject? Scx, drugs and rock
n roll. Stewart Copeland is keeping
busy with other projects until The
Police go back on the road. One plan
is to write the music for Francis Cop-
pole's next movie, Rumble Fish. . . .
It looks as though Rick Springfield will
make his movie debut with Traveling
Light. costarring the nearly perfect
Nastassia Kinski. The BusBoys have
written and are singing some songs in
the Nick Nolte-Eddie Murphy film. . . .
Jimmy Buffett is going off the road to
write the screenplay for Margaritaville
and then star in it. . . . John Lydon (who
used to be Johnny Rotten) has made a
movie in Italy with Harvey Keitel,
tentatively called Cop Killer.

NEWSBREAKS: Further Rick Springfield
news. Alvin couldn't handle the gui-
tar licks on The Chipmunks’ version of
Jesse’s Girl, so Rick went into the
studio to help out. . .. The Doobies
video-taped their last tour for pay
ТУ... . Lene Lovich has put together a
musical about Мета Hari іп which
she stars. It's playing in London now,
so maybe we'll sce it here, too.
Anson Williams and Ron Howard are
working ол a stage musical with music
by Bill Wyman. Oh, happy days!!
Keith Carradine has written some songs
for Foxfire and will costar in it on
Broadway with Hume Cronyn and Jessica
Tandy. . . . Darlene Love is on the solo
comeback tail after years of backup
ng. She hopes to record with
. Randy Newman is
working on a new album. . . . An al-

bum of classical guitar music by Ehon’s
guitarist, Davey Johnstone, will be re-
leased early next year. The door
to the offices of the Beatles’ company,
Apple, was actually auctioned off in
London. Terry smith, the director of a
Liverpool radio station, bought it for
more than $6000 and will add it to
his collection of Beatles memorabilia,
which he plans to exhibit next year

in Liverpool. The beat goes on.
RANDOM RUMORS: We love this sec-
tion, especially in a month that has so
many wonderful moments of true
wackiness. Have you heard Stiv Bators’
new group, Lords of the New Church? If
not, check out our favorite cut for the
coming nuclear madness: Apocalyp-
so. . . . Have you heard the first rap
record to be sung by a ventriloquist
and his dummy? Check It Out, by
Wayne and Charlie, is available on Sugar-
Our favorite line goes like this
hrow your hands up into the
air / Everyone say, ‘We gettin’ wel-
fare." Or how about the
disgruntled man in northern Russia
who wrote a letter to a cultural news-
paper to complain about the conduct
of teens at a local disco—dancing to
a tape of Tchaikovsky? Gee, kids
today. . . . Sandy Pearlman, who dis-
covered Blue Oyster Cult and produced
The Clash, has found a band in Buffalo
called The Edge, which is, he says, the
next Stones, A record is due out this
spring. If he's right, remember you
heard it here firs - Апа. finally,
our favorite favorite: Look out for ап
all-female band from Scotland calling
itself the Dick van Dykes. If it makes
it big, we'll pass on the credi,
—BARDARA NELLIS

al

EEE

This is
COLECO Vision

The Arcade Quality
Video Game System

The Most Advanced Video Game System

You Can Buy

ColecoVision was designed for what you had in
mind-a great game system that's expandable into
а great computer system.

Arcade Quality Graphics
olecoVision graphics have the Superior resolution
and brilliant color of тегі arcade games. And this
new advanced level of Quality holds true for every
Part of the system.

Plays The Best
ColecoVision has arcade quality controls—

Sive new Smurf game based on the
#1 TV cartoon Series.

Plays The Most

ColecoVision Plays more games than any othe System,
because ColecoVision is an expandable sitem. By using ColecoVisi
you'll be able to play all of the Atar VG Compatible cartridgês.

An Eyßandable Computer

ben you buy ColecoVision, you've already bought a Sophisticated
gomputer ready to ассері expansion modules of all kinds. And in 1983,

ons ехе оп module

ColecoVision-a great game system that’s
expandable into a great computer System.

COLECOVISION EXPANSION MODULE #1
ALLOWS

S YOU TO PLAY ALL Ara Тһе most advanced video game system
СОМРАТІВЕЕ CARTRIDGES. AVAILABLE you can buy.
IN NOVEMBER

YOUR VISION IS OUR VISION N COLEcoVision'

© Coleco Industries 1982
945 Asylum Avenue,
Hartlord, CT 06105

И

E» т” м bey
i Alle Us =
Aid VES qnt BL 4

Еуегуопе

Needs a Little Comfort.

Тһе unique sound of Dixieland jazz and the
unique taste of Southern Comfort. ТІ

both originally from New Orleans, and
they're both just right for those special times
when good friends get together. Add a perfect

note to your next evening out wi

Comfort & Coffee

Add 1-ounce of Southern Comfort to a cup of
hot coffee (regular or chicory). Stir and er

Southern Comfort

80-100 Proof Liqueur. For a free Souther Comlort recipe book write Southern Comfort Corporation, St Louis, MO 63132 1901

Az of Runyonesque con men
from New York try for the jackpot in
Las Vegas in Lookin’ to Get Ош (Para-
mount). An old story. you may say—
Damon Runyon with a touch of human
comedy reminiscent of Frank Capra in
his prime. Well, what's wrong with that?
Back on the fast track on which he came
through with such diverse entertainments
as Shampoo and Being There, director
Hal Ashby has wrought a raffish and
rambunctious movie caper that’s really
more about love and life than about
ning and losing. It's wry, it's warm,
Из a little bit off the wall, and апу-
one who thinks it's just too weird will be
struck off my Christmas-card list. The
biggest surprise Lookin’ has to offer is
Jon Voight, teamed with Burt Young
and playing the pants off his part as the
handsome half of this unlikely two-
some—an amiable hustler and a con-
genital liar who is almost too true to be
funny. In fact, he's a semischlemiel,
which makes the role risky for an actor
such as Voight, though Jon gambles and
wins with a shaded, complex perform-
ance as fine as his Oscar-winning tri-
umph in Coming Home. None of which
should be attributed to dumb luck, since
Voight is co-author (with Al Schwartz)
of the screenplay, and he coproduced the
movie.

Happily, Ashby's easy-doesit approach
sums up the experience of Vegas without
rubbing our noses in tinsel. Amid all the
gaudy slot galleries and salons and hotel
suites, the emphasis is on people. As
Voight's slow-burning side-kick, Young
more than earns his place in the lime-
light reflected from Rocky. Ann-Margret
is merely splendid, as usual, underplay-
ing her role as a local tycoon's rueful
lady—a girl Voight has long since loved
and left with a child he cannot bring
himself to acknowledge—while Bert
Remsen heads a roster of second bananas
from a large, flamboyant bunch. I'd peg
Lookin' to Gel Out as a minor movie
made by major talents with unlimited
moxie. YYY

E

A kind of jungle fever permeates every
frame of Fitzcarraldo (New World), by
German writer-director Werner Herzog.
There's something irresistible about the
extravagant imagery Herzog has conjured
up to dramatize this tale—bits and pieces
of it based on fact. Picture а mad
Irish adventurer sailing into the Peru-
vian Amazon aboard a huge steamboat,
playing Caruso records on an ancient
gramophone to soothe any savage head-
hunters who may be lurking in the bush.
"That's merely the visible tip of the im-

Voight, Young Lookin' at Ann-Margret.

A Voight triumph in Vegas,
wonderful excess in Brazil
and sick fun set in L.A.

Raoul's plotters Bartel, Woronov.

possible schemes cherished by Brian
Sweeney Fitzgerald, alias Fitzcarraldo,
whose ultimate goal is to have the steam-
boat lugged over a steep mountain, reap
a fortune in natural rubber and use his
profits to adorn the tangled wilderness
with a splendid opera house in which
Enrico Caruso will come to sing.

Never mind that German superstar
Klaus Kinski plays the Irish-born hero in
German. Kinski does a fine, flamboyant
job with a role originally offered to
Jack olson. Nicholson was replaced
in 1979 by the late Warren Oates, but
tropic heat, bad timing and temper-
ament had only begun to take their toll
By the time shooting resumed early in
1981, Jason Robards had assumed the
title role, with Mick Jagger on deck as
Fitzcarraldo's side-kick. Then Robards
and Jagger decamped. Only Claudia
Cardinale remains of the original all-star
company (she looks ravishing, as well as
ageless, as Fitzcarraldo's mistress and the
madam of an elegant South American
brothel). There no real side-kick, no
Jagger. Just Kinski, Cardinale, swarms
of Indians, that boat, some excerpts from
operas by Verdi and Bellini, plus a heap
of spectacular scenery. To have made
Fitzcarraldo at all may be Herzog's most
awesome achievement. As drama, the
movie moves erratically and often threat-
ens to settle into the mire. But Kinski/
Fitzcarraldo and the director himself
seem imbued with a fierce energy that
finally makes one man’s ludicrous obses-
sion ап exhilarating, sun-baked salute to
every man's wildest dreams. YYY
.

Buck Henry plays a bit role in Eating
Raoul (Fox Classics), and he's one of the few
familiar faces in an outrageous comedy
that regaled audiences at this year's New
York Film Festival. Director Paul Bartel
helped write the script and also stars op-
posite Mary Woronov, with Robert Bel-
tran in the title role. Who they? Well,
Bartel is a balding Mr. Milquetoast, de-
ceptively wicked, previously known for
directing such cinematic schlock as Pri-
vate Parts and Death Race 2000. Woronov
is a former Warhol superstar whom you
may remember from The Chelsea Girls,
and Beltran is simply а good-looking, Е
larious discovery as Raoul. To tell too
much would spoil the joke, but Bartel's
shoe-string production is apt to tie up
traffic as one of the freshest, funniest sick
comedies in years. Like the classic Arse-
nic and Old Lace, it has homicidal
tendencies—all about a married couple
who want to raise money to open a fam-
ily restaurant. Although they abhor sex,
they decide to advertise for kinky swing-
ers whom they can turn on, rub out and
rob. Their profitable scam is com ted
by Raoul, who calls himself "a hot-
blooded, emotional, crazy chicano” with
practica s about how to dispose of
dead bodies. The setting is L.A., and as
Mary puts it flatly, "This city is full of
rich perverts . . . you think we can do

45

PLAYBOY

46

CHANGE
JOBS

Change

World

Every year Community Jobs lisıs
over 2,000 job-openings incommunity
and social-change work nationwide.
And every month, our special features
help you get the job done. If you are
a college student looking for an
internship. a disgruntled worker
looking for meaningful work. oran
activist wanting to keep informed
about what is really happening at the
grassroots— you'll want to subscribe
to Community Jobs.

No Risk Guarantee! If Community Jobs doesn't meet your needs, just write
and we'll promptly send you a full refund on all unmailed issues. А one year
subscription to Community Jobs (ten issues) costs only $12.00— 4092 off the

cover price!

О Payment Enclosed

OBill Me Later

NAME

ADDRESS

STATE ТІР

1520 16th St. N.W., Washington, D.C. 20036

Published monthly by Community Careers Resource Center,

а non-profit organization

Listen to television

IN SIMULATED STEREO!
TELEDAPTER® easily connects to ary TV
and plugs into the Aux, Tape, or Tuner input
of any stereo amplifier. (TV and stereo can be
any distance apart) All TV programs will
come through your stereo amplifier and
speakers, even Video Tape, or Cable TV
shows. Quality electronic circuitry assures
correct 10 to 50,000 OHM impedence
matching, for full 50 to 15,000 HZ frequency
response. The matrix circuitry actually pro-
vides two channels of simulated stereo. Total
chassis isolation means protection for both
your stereo and TV. TELEDAPTER* is also
great for using stereo headphones and taping
TV programs. Complete with instructions,
and TWO YEAR WARRANTY. 15 day trial or
money back it dissatisfied

The TE-200 Teledapter
-only 53995 ease Son:
RHONDE

NATIONAL, CORPORATION

heck or
Master Card C VISA
ad —

Expiration date

ze:
ГІБЕМО FREE CATALOG =:

FINALLY,

A BETTER WAY

TO MOUNT YOUR
RADAR DETECTOR.

No more hassles with visor clips or fabric
strips. Now your detector and bracket
can be installed or removed in seconds,
leaving no invitations behind for would be
thieves.

Proven suction-cup design of black,
brushed aluminum fits Escort, Fuzz-
buster, Super Fox and Whistler Q1000.
Just $14.95 postpaid, exclusively from:

V. Polak, Inc., 2239P N.W. Raleigh St.,
Portland, OR 97210. Full moneyback
guarantee. Send check, money order, or
for fastest delivery, VISA and MC holders
may order tollfree at
(800) 547-17:

In Oregon, сай (503) 295-0733

сс зача |

мо а There's ап impudent
amateurish spontaneity at work her
that may be one of Eating Raoul's chief
assets. The tone is murderously madcap,
with many unexpected pleasures and a
frying pan as the deadliest weapon on
hand. УУУ

.

Inchon (MGM/UA), reportedly budget-
ed in the neighborhood of $50,000,000,
with some financial backing by the Rev-
«rend Sun Myung Moon, also credits
Moon as a special advisor. At best, Moon
may find relief from his well-publicized
tax problems with a substantial write-off.
Inchon is a near-total loss as well as a
laugh. I found the ending particularly
choice: Laurence Olivier, painted to re-
semble General Douglas A. MacArthur
as a waxwork at Mme. Tussaud's, is in-
troduced after the taking of Inchon as
"America's greatest soldier about to
make a statement that may change his-
г Larry then intones the Lord's
Prayer. Among a cast of thousands play-
ing Korean War casualties, the stars lured
into Moon's home movie for top dollar in-
dude Ben Gazzara, Richard Roundtree,
Toshiro Mifune and Jacqueline Bisset.
Only Bisset and Roundtree manage to
rise high, dry and recognizably human
from a veritable typhoon of war-movie
diches. Terence Young directed, heaven
help him. Y

D

Loincloths are back in fashion since
the success of Conan the Barbarian.
"That being true, we could do worse than
The Beastmaster (MGM/UA), another live-
ly, simple-minded adventure epic with a
muscular hero (Mare Singer) who talks
to animals and saves a luscious captive
(Тапуа Roberts, seen to advantage in
our October pictorial). Rip Torn’s the
snarling villain of a story so rudimentary
that it could well be the result of cross-
breeding a bodybuilder’s manual with
Born Free. ¥¥

.

Any movie made by veteran director
Fred (From Here to Eternity, Julia, et al.)
Zinnemann is sure to be superbly
crafted. And with cinematography on
breath-taking Swiss locations by Giusep-
pe Rotunno, Fellini's man for all seasons,
it is virtually guaranteed that Five Days
One Summer (Ladd/WB) will provide first-
class travel back to 1932. That's the time
frame for this nostalgic romance starring
Scan Connery, an actor of impeccable
personal style, who plays a doctor on an
Alpine climbing junket with his alleged
wife. Actually, shes his headstrong niece/
mistress (movie newcomer Betsy Brant-
ley), a lass whose roving eye lands on a
handsome young guide (Lambert Wilson)
closer to her own age. There is some
potent sexual chemistry here, plus a liter-
ate screenplay by Michael Austin and any
number of beautifully realized scenes—

Тә ЗАИР Us AALEN

INTRODUCING
ALL THE HIGH FIDELITY

YOU CAN HANDLE.

As you can see, the Fisher
System PHI looks right at home.
At home.
With sophisticated
features like a belt drive
turntable, Fisher’s famous |
2-way speakers, a Dolby™
cassette deck, and a four-
band AM/FM tuner, it has
everything you'd expect to find ina full
size Component system.
Everything, that is, except for Size.
Simply detach the turntable, flip up
the handle, and the PH] fits together in
aneat little package that weighs a mere
22 pounds; so, ina matterof seconds,
hi-fi to stay becomes hi-fito go.
That goes for the den, the dorm,

| Dolby is a registered trademark of Dolby Laboratories.

the bedroom, and, thanks to the fact
that italso works on batteries, that
even goes for the beach.
Sound good so far?
Well, it sounds
even better.
With a DC Servo
turntable motor to
reduce wow and flutter, plus
metal tape capability for the finest
possible reproduction, the PHI is
obviously designed for those who
take their music seriously.
No matter where they happen to
take their music.

Zr FISHER

The first name in high fidelity?

Fisher Corporation, 21314 Lassen Street, Chatsworth, CA 91311

FOR COMFORT.

FOR FIT.

NO ONE DOES IT

LIKE

JOCKEY’BRAND.

JIM PALMER

Zinnemann excels at bringing out the
nuances of a delicate sequence in which
the frozen corpse of a young mountain-
cer is hacked out of the glacial ice after
some 40 years, miraculously unchanged
in contrast to the bereft old woman who
was meant to be his bride. That love

ory, alas, finally seems more poignant
than the predictable Hemingwayesqu
triangle involving the doctor, the guide
and the girl. What it boils down to is
two men, one woman, а challenging
mountain peak and better-than-even
odds that there will be a dramatic
mishap. You may wonder at the end, as
I did, whether so small a tale merits all
the prodigious talent and time spent on
One Summer. NN

.

What happens when a successful shrink
starts to fall in love with a woman he
finds fearsome? Not without cause, either,
since one of his clients—a dealer іп
antiquities—has been viciously mur-
dered and his former mistress appears to
be the likeliest suspect. The classic que
tion Whodunit? is mulled by write
director Robert Benton in Still of the Night
(MGM/UA), a romantic su:
with just enough intelligence and urgen-
cy to carry you to a fairly predictable
climax. As the shrink and the mysterious
blonde suspect, Roy Scheider and Meryl
Streep do what they can, though their
star turns somehow raise expectations

ie never fulfills. Given Ben-
8 as co-author of Bonnie
and Clyde and as winner of best-director
and best-screenplay Oscars for Kramer
vs. Kramer, I'd call Still of the Night a
medium-grade disappointment. vu
.

"Though seldom subtle, Хка (Unifilm/
Embrafilme) is wildly exotic and original,
and ГИ bet a bushel of Brazil nuts that
it won't remind you of anything else
around. Director Carlos (Bye Bye Brazil)

WEARS РОСО? BRIEFS.
Low-rise continental styling
features unique 2-layer pouch
and fashion knit waistband.
Solid colors and stripes in
comfortable 100% combed

( cotton. Fashion prints іп 50%

х Dacron® polyester/50% cotton.

Power-knit® fabric tailoredto
fit wash after wash.

SJOCKEY

The first name іп underwear.

Diegues mounts his historical tale as a
whimsical vaudeville in elementary col-
ors, but such spirited carnival brightnes
seems to be a hallmark of movies im-
ported from Rio. The title (pronounced
shee-ka) is the name of an actual 18th
'entury black woman known as Xica da
Silva. This mesmerizing lady—played
with great zest and broad humor by Zeze
Motta—won freedom from slavery after
she seduced the Portuguese governor of
a diamond-mining province in Brazil
Her indulgent lover (Walmor Chagas)
forced his white countrymen to treat the
proud Xica like a queen, built palaces
in which she could dress the part, even
ordered a private artificial lake and а
manned galley to amuse her. Made four
years ago, Xica depicts interracial amor
with the kind of aplomb tl
spelled havoc—or maybe witchcraft—in
this hemisphere circa 1760. УУ
—REVIEWS BY BRUCE WILLIAMSON

would have

31982 Jockey International Inc., Kenosha, Wisconsin 53140

an
ce ا‎

TAKE COMMAND OF AWHOLE NEW IMAGING SYSTEM

Engage the Minolta Program System and the Х-700 instantaneously selects both
aperture and shutter speed. It's the first shutter-weighted system—
programmed to favor faster speeds in low light. Shift into Automatic, select
aperture and the X-700 selects the perfect shutter speed to match. Shift

into Metered Manual and you create both light and speed. All the

while, the ultra-bright Vital Function Monitor Viewfinder is reporting

everything you need for total creative control.

TAKE COMMAND OF SYNCHRO-METERIZED FLASH INTEGRATION

You set nothing—it's the world's first Programmed Strobe. Light is

measured through the lens and off the film plane, a Minolta invention.

TAKE COMMAND OF THE EXCLUSIVE QUARTZ-DRIVEN

CALCU-SET MODULE The world's most brilliant multi-function back.

Program it to number your pictures or imprint the date or fire your = —
Minolta when youre not there.

CAMERA AS ROBOT...AT YOUR REMOTE CONTROL

You can fire your Motor Driven X-700 from more than 60 yards

away by infra-red ray. You can fit it with power winder, with 9 MINOLTA
different focusing screens and with nearly 50 different lenses.

Now grip it. Work the shutter. Feel the quality. No wonder

Minolta has the longest combined camera/lens warranty

ofany major camera manufacturer. Sense the thrill of

owning the New X-700.

See the X-700 at your Minolta dealer or. for more information. write: Minolta Corporation,
101 Williams Drive, Ramsey. N.J. 07446. In Canada: Minolta, Ontario, LAW 1А4. = БЕ = 5 3
©1982, Minolta Corporation iw ^" ашанач =a

PLAYBOY

50

A collectors edition
of Playboys most
memorable interviews

avis Ве
avis
Miles Dav?

Malcolm k
а y George e Fidel
jus гау Te
Cassi Mur poke fs W

et Spe" ny НОН

hy Lear
те, Alb | Fav

Acclaimed by critics from coast to coast, The
Playboy Interview edited by G. Barry Golson is a
book that will give you countless hours of reading
pleasure.

What the reviewers say:

"The interviews are the best of their kind...
irreplaceable source documents on figures in
recent history. —io: ANGELES nes

“А fascinating look at morals, morality, and pop
culture in the 605 and '70s. "— снслсо sun тм

“Almost impossible to put down... Playboy
Interviews make so many other forms of personal
journalism look tepid and one-dimensional."—

PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER.

Deluxe hardcover edition; 722 pages; $19.95
At your bookstore or order direct frorn
PLAYBOY PRESS, 1633 Broadway, New York, N.Y. 10019

MOVIE SCORE CARD

capsule close-ups of current films
by bruce williamson

The Beastmaster (Reviewed this
month) Adventure with Marc Singer
and Tanya Roberts under skins. УУ
Creepshow A Halloween prank by
Stephen King. George Romero. ұу
Diner Some Baltimore guys and dolls
circa 1959. Delectable УУУУ
Eating Raoul (Reviewed this month)
Open season on swingers vw
Endangered Species Homicide on the
range. мұз
ET. The Extro-Terrestriol Just try to re-
sist him. Extraordi vu
Fast Times at Ridgemont High From the
book by Cameron Crowe. P.
Fitzcarraldo (Reviewed this
Herzog's head trip: fev
Five Days One Summer (Reviewed this
month) Connery's Alpine idyl is Zin-
n n below his pi vu
Hammett OK tribute to Dashiell—
but nobody does it better. w

sin

Inchon (Reviewed this month) Moon
struck war drama. М
te Beau Mariage Another French soul-
Ne fizzles. vv
10% One of Fassbinder's lust and
best films, the saga of а slut. УУУ

lookin’ to Get Out (Reviewed this
month) Voight takes Vegas. К
My Favorite Year High comedy. with
Peter O'Toole as a drunken super-
star on the boob tube 1954. УЖА
The Nest May-Dece а
reigns on a plain in Spain.
Night Shift A bunch of happy hook
ers alive and well at the morgue.
An Officer and a Gentleman Gere
Winger in the kind of movie Holly-

wood used to make. yyy
Piaf: The Early Years Stilted bio, but
you can't stop her music. Y

The Rood Warrior In this faultlessly
assembled Aussie horror show, Mel

Gibson is hell on wheels. wy
The Soldier A Cold War hit man
flops. Y
Split Image Another cult kid depro
gramed. уун
Still of the Night (Reviewe this
month) Streep, Scheider ary

Tempest Not my cup of tea, though
Paul N -studded salute to

Shakespea moments. УУ
Things Are Tovgh All Over Cheech and
Chong on a slower track. yy

Xica (Reviewed this month) АП
about a shady lady from Brazil. Ya
Yes, Giorgio Pavaroui's pipes are
the whole show. yy

Young Doctors in Love Fun and nes
in surgery, not all of it certain to
keep you in stitches. von.

yvy Worth a look
¥ Forget it

Yyvy Don't miss
¥¥¥ Good show

THE WIZARD OF ODYSSEY REVEALS
THE KEY TO GREATER CHALLENGE.

The Keyboard!
It makes the fun go further with Odyssey?
than any other video game. The keyboard lets
you program mazes and grids. Type numbers and
letters on the screen. Increase skill levels. It even
lets you change opponents and fields of play!
And only Od sey" offers—The Master
Е Strategy Series
Each game comes
with its own game
board. You use it to
plan your strategy,

IDYSSEY

input that strategy through the keyboard, and
play ош the action on your TV screen.

Plus, Odyssey? olfers over 50 games,
including arcade, educational, sports and strat-
сау games,

So take the word of the Wizard of
Odyssey If you're looking for greater challenge
ina video game, look to
Odyssey"! For your near- №
est dealer call (800)
447-2882. In Illinois call PS.
(800) 322-4400.

The keyboard is the key to greater challenge.

52

Жж COMING ATTRACTIONS N

роі Gossip; Sam Peckinpah, absent from

active film making for at least the
past four years, has been tagged to direct
the screen adaptation of best-selling au-
thor Robert Ludlum's thriller The Osterman
Weekend. Dutch actor Rutger (Blade Run-
ner) Haver will star as the television jour-
пайы who uncovers a trail of political
intrigue that climaxes in the terror-hlled
titular weekend. . . . Richard Pryor, who is
probably booked until 1990, will top-line
The Man Who Would Make Miracles, a
contemporary comedy based on ап H. б.
Wells story about a man with unique
powers. . . . Paul Newman and Joanne
Woodward will star in The Scandal (for-
merly titled The Walter Lippmann
Story), a two-hour ABC telefilm current-
ly being written by none other than
Gore Vidal. . . Word has it that a biopic

Haver

Pryor

of University of Alabama football coach
"Bear" Bryant is in the planning stages. . . .
Robby Benson will star in Running Brave,
the true story of Billy Mills, the Sioux
Indian who rose from a reservation to
become an Olympic gold-medalist (he
won the 10,000-meter run in the 1964
Tokyo games). The film is being com-
pletely financed by the Ermineskin In-
dians of Alberta, and the lead role was
filled only after a three-year talent hunt.
Benson was chosen because, in the words
of producer ire Englander, “besides lool
ing like Billy, he's the perfect combina
tion of sensitivity, athletic ability and
concern for Indian issues." Ра! Hingle апа
Claudia (Diner) Cron co-star.
.

BERSERK DRUMS OVER NUMNUTS: Last
month, I gave brief mention to a film
led Numnuts, starring John Candy, Joe
Flaherty and Eugene Levy of SCTV fame
and directed by comedian Dovid Steinberg.
Numnuts, which used to be tiled Drums
over Malta, has undergone yet another
title change and is now being called
Going Berserk, which will perfectly de-
scribe my state of mind if they change
the title again close to my deadline. At
presstime for this month's issue, the plot
was being kept secret, but I got this much
ош of somebody close to the production:
“Candy and Flaherty play limo drivers.
Candy is kidnaped by a religious aero-

bics cult and brainw.
future father-in-law.

hed into killing his
Got it?

.
РАН

ING Off: Richard Dreyfuss С
with Susan Sarandon, Nancy Allen and Jean

f.
Dreyfuss Sorandon
Stapleton in 20th Century-Fox’s The

Buddy System, a romantic comedy de-
scribed by its producer, Alain Chammas,
as “a formula for survival in the Eight-
ies." Here's the low-down: Dreyfuss plays
Joe Denniston, an aspiring writer and
amateur inventor who supports his
aspirations by working as an elementary
school security guard. With five unfin-
ished novels and a girlfriend (Nancy
Allen) who is incapable of returning his
ardent affections, Joe is one down-and-
out fella. Equally down-and-out is Emily
Price (Sarandon), a single mother whose
self-esteem has been battered by her
manipulative mom (Stapleton), upon
whom she is financially dependent, and
by an unrewarding affair with a self-
centered lawyer. Joe and Emily meet,
become friends (misery loves company)
and—natch—lov Directed by Glenn
(Only When I Laugh) Jordan, The Buddy
System is scheduled for a 1983 release.
.

TE MY coRTEX: From the people who
gave us Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid

1

Martin

Turner

comes—are you ready?—The Man with
Two Brains, starring Steve Martin, Kathleen
(Body Heat) Tumer and David Warner,
directed by—guess who?—Carl Reiner. If
you thought the plot line of Going
Berserk was weird, you're going to love
this one: Martin plays Dr. Michael
Hfuhruhurr (don't ask me how to pro-
nounce it), an eminent brain surgeon
famous for a neurosurgical technique
called the cranial screw-top method.
Turner plays Dolores Benedict, a beauti-

ful Jezebel who causes her husband to
have a heart attack. Steve accidentally
runs her over, saves her life in surgery,
falls in love and marries her. But, much
to Steve's frustration, they don't con-
summate the marriage, for—as we later
find out—Dolores married him only for
his money. To case the tension, the
newlyweds travel to Vienna on a combi-
nation honeymoon and lecture tour.
There, Steve meets Dr. Alfred Necessiter
(Warner), a research scientist whose ex-
periments involve keeping human brains
alive in tanks. Steve declares a citizens’
divorce from Dolores, then falls in love
with one of Dr. Necessiter's live brain
(that of a woman). This leaves him in a
romantic quandary: To be happy, he
must either find a body for his beloved
brain or put his own brain in the tank.
Poor guy. My theory is he puts his brain
in the tank and her brain in his body,
but that's pure speculation. We'll have
to wait until next summer to find out.
.

STAGE ТО SCREEN: Playwright Bernard

Slade is fast becoming the new Neil Simon:

Steenburgen Moore

His third Broadway hit, Romantic Com-
edy (the previous two were Same Time,
Next Year and Tribute), is currently
being adapted for the screen, with Dudley
Moore and Mary Steenburgen starring. Dud-
ley plays Jason Carmichael, a witty.
urbane, sarcastic—but charm-
ing—New York playwright. Steenburgen
is Phoebe Craddock, his writing partner.
Both characters share a passion for the
theater but differ in almost every other
way. Slade claims he got the idea for
Romantic Comedy from a quote by Emest
Hemingway about relationship with
Marlene Dietrich he'd read many years be-
fore: " "We have been in love since 1934,
when we first met on the He de France,
but we've never been to bed. Amazing
but true. Victims of unsynchronized pas-
sion. Those times when I was out of love,
the Kraut was deep in some romantic
tribulation, and on those occasions when
Dietrich was on the surface and swim-

ming about with those marvelously seek-
ing eyes of hers, I was submerged.’ That
quote has remained in my memory

all these years." — Jon suumentiar ЕЙ

гг

аси асл иш шиш шш кы cn ше а-в иа | |

` THE ONLY VIDEO GAME VOICE MODULE
WITH AN UNLIMITED VOCABULARY.

The Voice from Odyssey? adds a whole new dimension to the fun of video games. With this optional
module and its specially programmed cartridges, Odyssey? becomes the only video game system that can
терегі any words typed into the keyboard, and much more!

Depending upon which cartridge you insert, The Voice
can do a whole bunch of other exciting things. Like asking ques- ||
tions and demanding answers to math and spelling problems. It
even enhances sound effects and warns of approaching enemies
in certain arcade games!

A whole series of specialized arcade, educational and
strategy voice cartridges is available for use with The Voice, with
a lot more to come. But you can still play all other Odyssey
video games through The Voice module.

So if you're on the lookout for greater challenge, listen to
The Voice, from Odyssey.? The fun. you will have will speak for

0 For our nearest dealer call 600) 447.2882. In Illinois ODYSSEY e

АР сносе cone The keyboard is the key to greater challenge.

free
© 800-528-6148
_ Ext. 6686.

b Eo CREDIT CARDS.

» ^ А COGNAC М
—— > Енеме

2 „VERY SPECIAL E.
- ДА Ж 2 5%; N
5 "n he у e 31 —
— d oo! 4
EM cone бо PROAI о. =
—

The world’s most civilized spirit.

THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR

IM, question may seem trivial when
viewed against the backdrop of more
pressing human problems, but it repre
sents a concern of no small importance
to me. Гат a healthy white male, aged
30, average in most respects. Along with
the majority of American men in my age
group, I was circumcised shortly after
birth. While I realize that the practice
of circumcision is not one of the hot

mutilation. The purpose of this
ry is to determine whether or not
it is possible to repair that damage sur
gically. I have desired such a restoration
since my early teens, and my interest has
been focused by a description in James
Місһепег The Source of such cosmetic
surgery's being hypothetically performed
in pre-Christian times. If such a correc-
tion is possible, I would greatly appre-
ciate being informed of the details.—
D. J. G., La Jolla, California.

Yes, it is possible to replace the fore-
skin surgically. The operation тау
require a general anesthetic and is
performed by а plastic surgeon or a
urologist. While the operation is not
common in the U.S., it is fairly common
in Europe and the Middle East. For
more information, we suggest that you
consult your physician for a referral to
a qualified specialist. However, we feel
that you are making much ado about
nothing. There is no medical reason for
circumcision, yel it is performed оп 85
percent of all American males at birth.
To correct one unnecessary surgery by
subjecting yourself to a second seems to
invite a needless complication. Two
wrongs don’t make a right. Before you
act, we suggest that you read Edward
Wallerstein’s book “Circumcision: An
American Health Fallacy.”

In a very short time, I'm going to have
to make a special purchase—a diamond
ring. Unfortunately, I know nothing
about diamonds or gold. Can you tell
how good a diamond is by its ts?
How do you know when you have real
gold? If I ew some basics, 1 would at
least have a place to start.—M. S., Boise,
Idaho.

The basics are only the beginning in
diamond buying, Color, cut, clarity and
brilliance all have to be considered to
determine the stone's worth, The carat
figure is a weight measurement. There
are 142 carats in one ounce, with each
carat divided into 100 points. The karat
(with a К) can tell you the amount of
gold in a ring. Twentyfour-karat gold

is pure gold. Less than that means
there is some other metal present, usu-
ally to give strength to the finished
piece. When a piece is labeled solid
gold, that means only that it isn’t hol-
low; you still have to check the karat
rating to determine how much gold is
in it. In the U.S., gold that is less than
len-karat. gold can't be sold. Gold elec-
troplate, a coating that must be at least
seven millionths of an inch thick. must
also contain no less than ten karats. Be-
yond that, things gel pretty complicated
and you have to rely on the reputation
of the jeweler. If you can't be sure of
his expertise, get a second opinion from
a knowledgeable friend before you make
your purchase.

Sometimes I think 1
When my husband and I
love. my mind wanders. I

going cr
re making
n be think-

ing about almost anything: worrying
about how I've disciplined the chil-
dren or what I nccd to do the next

rd or disturbing fanta-
ig this letter. I've been put-
ting off writing it for quite some time. I
love my husband very much and I know
he loves me. We've heen married for ten
years and both of us were able to sow

sics;

our wild oats before we got married. My
husband docs everything to please me;
we have plenty of foreplay (actually,

that’s when my mind wanders the most).
When I finally get aroused, I have t
rific multiple orgasms. My problem is so
great at this point that when we get into

bed, I immediately say to myself, “I'm
not going to get sidetracked!” Please
don't tell me to discuss this with my
husband. That would do wonders for h
cgo! How would you feel if your lov
said to you, “Every time we make love,
my mind wanders.” If this is a problem
couples have after they have been m;
ried awhile, then what the hell am I
supposed to do? I know that my hus-
band's sex drive is a lot stronger than
mine (we have sex three to four times a
week) and I don't do some of the things
he would like me to do, but he says that
what we do is fine. So what is the matter
with me? Why can't I concentrate?—
Mrs. К. M., Mobile, Alabam.

А few years ago, we answered a letter
from a man who had noticed that his
girlfriend became distracted during sex.
Our research turned up some interesting
facts. According to Kinsey, such behavior
is present throughout the animal hing
dom: “Cheese crumbs spread in front of
а copulating pair of rats may distract
the female but not the male. . . . When
cattle are interrupted during coitus, it ts
the cow that is more likely to be dis-
turbed, while the bull may try to con
tinue with coitus.” Apparently, female
cals have been known to investigate
mouscholes during intercourse. Our ad
vice then is our advice now: A person
who passively accepts foreplay can easily
become a spectator and can easily
be distracted. To end this cycle of wait
ing for Godot, become more active. Giv
ing is an act of concentration that can
distract the distracted. We also recom-
mend a sound track—neutral music that
you can both tune in 10. Finally, we
think you are making a problem where
опе need not exist. You are capable of
arousal and of multiple orgasms. That's
as good as it gets,

In an the months Ive had my car, I
have yet to approach the minimum miles
per gallon that was advertised. The car
s in good running condition: L use it
cvery day to and from work. Is the mpg
rating nonsensc?—R. 1... Dallas, Tex;

The Government provides Ihose mpg
ratings, and. its method for determining
them is not so hot. Even the bureau
crul -in a whisper—will admit that.
They know that the testing doesn't take
place on the street behind the wheel of a
moving vehicle. Now you know, too.
There's also that little disclaimer that
comes with the mpg rating—the one that
talks about your driving habits. If you
do a lot of city driving, the fact is you're

55

PLAYBOY

56

„Ше western work boots.

“Westerns used to be for weekends only Then I found these
Pecos Red Wings. They're made for work!

leather's full grain —
and they really hug

my heels. They fit so
well my feet still feel

Pecos Red
Wings are
available in
men's sizes
5-16, widths

d 8 50 AAA-EEE*

fine at quittin time. Some styles

On my job, I'd never witb safety
steel toes.

give up comfort for
style. But now I've got
both, cause I've
earned my
Wings—

Pecos Red f
Wings!"

and width
availability

(Стону Red V

For feet tbat bave earned tbe best.

going to have a low mpg figure. The
culprit is time—at stop lights, at stop
signs, in slow-crawling traffic or in fre
quent stops and starts. At 55 mph, you
сап almost cover a mile in about a min
ute al about 2500 rpms. That same min
ule can be spent at a stop light with the
engine still turning at 700-800 rpms—
which means you've lost almost a third of
a mile at the stop light. Three stop
lights, therefore. can equal one mile of
lost mpg

want to re-evaluate
your route to work. Leaving a little car.
lier or later to avoid traffic can make a
difference. So can a different route. De-
pending on the number of stops on your
usual route, you may even be able to save
gas by taking a longer way to work.

You may

White 1 was recently engaging in
foreplay with a new friend, something
very interesting happened. As she be-
me sexually aroused, her labia minora
started to swell and turn a reddish pur
ple until they were protruding nearly
hall an inch through her pubic hair.
Cunnilingus at that point was like kiss-
ing and licking а pair of ficial lips.
1 asked her whether or not that hap-
pened often: she replied. "Only occa-
sionally,” and added that it didn't hurt
and that the swelling would completely
diminish soon after we were through,
Would you elaborate on that condition
and tell me what percentage of the fe
male population is capable of itz—D. T.,
Moorestown, New Jersey.

It’s not the first time it’s happened-
just the first time you've opened your
eyes. И sounds as though your partner
simply became very aroused, allowing

у
blood during arousal
That is more likely to occur when fore-
play has continued for a long period of
lime. Is normal physiology—which
means thal it happens, to some degree,
10 all women.

her vaginal tissues lo become extreme!
engorged with

Shin splints are making my jogging
routine nonstop torture. I wear the best
jogging shoes I can find, but the pain is
still there. Is there anything else I can
do to ease the shock? I have to rt
the street, since I am far
track.—B. M.. Boston, Mas:
Shin splints may require a short rest
period to avoid reinjury, since they arc
caused by a tearing of the muscle tissue
that is attached to the front of the lower
leg. Ice and stretching can help. One
recommended exercise is to kneel and
point your toes while gradually lowering
your body onto your heels. That will
stretch those front muscles. If you jind
that you need more relief from the

from any

chusetts.

pounding of your feet on the concrete,
special insoles that can reduce the im
pact are available. One of those products,

INTRODUCING THE BEST RADAR DETECTOR ON THE ROAD.
AND A CHALLENGE TO CAR & DRIVER TO PROVE IT ISN'T.

Мете so sure the new Whistler
Spectrum is the most advanced
radar detector in the world, that we
challenge the editors of CAR &
DRIVER to test it. To prove the _
Whistler Spectrum gives the earliest
and most accurate warning of any
radar detector on the road.

PUT US TO THE SENSITIVITY TEST.

Spectrum is engineered to be at
least 6dB more sensitive than the
most highly-touted radar detectors
оп the market today. That's four
times more sensitive than the unit
chosen as overall favorite by CAR &
DRIVER magazine in previous tests.

Spectrum is, quite simply, the
most significant technological
advancement in speed radar
detection since the introduction of
superheterodyne circuitry.

Spectrum picks up low intensity
reflections of radar energy in both
X-band and K-band frequencies.
Provides maximum sensitivity at
—111 dBm/cr? X-band typical
S dBm/cn? K-band

i ‘eceives stationary,
о radar and the new en
radar aimed at another vehicle
Even around curves, over hills and
from behind.

PUT US TO THE SELECTIVITY

TEST.

Until now, the price you had to
pay for increased sensitivity was an
endless number of beeps, buzzes
and false alarms. Because any radar
8 01 set at л sensitive
level automatically gave you e
Signal in the area. And Pat all p
them were the signal you wanted.
ONLY SPECTRUM HAS A UNIQUE
CIRCUIT THAT SEPARATES
THESE SIGNALS FROM SPEED
RADAR WITHOUT DIMINISHING
LONG RANGE SENSITMT Y.

Ме call this our Filter Mode. In
this mode, weak signals will flash
an amber warning light and emit
one low frequency tone each 20
seconds. When the receiver picks
Up speed radar, Spectrum auto-
matically flashes a red light and a
constant high frequency tone. The
faster the tone, the closer the radar.

Its an alarm you can't miss.

300,000 TRUCKERS CAN'T
BE WRONG.

We sold our first Whistlers
to guys who know more about

speed radar than anyone on the
road. Truckers. And today three out
of four American truckers choose
the Whistler name over any other.

There's only one way to get an en-
dorsement like that. Performance.

And any trucker will tell you that
speed radar detectors are strictly
legit. On nearly every road in
America.

GENTLEMEN, START YOUR ENGINES.

And now a true test of our
words. A challenge to the editors of
CAR & DRIVER. To test the the new
Whistler Spectrum. On the road.
Against any and all competitors.

Апа a challenge to you. To doa
road test of your very own.

Look for the handsome new
Whistler Spectrum and our complete
line of quality radar detectors at an
automotive dealer, CB shop, auto
parts or electronics store near you.

Or contact Controlonics Corp.,
5 тух e МА 01886,

BOR

= МН HIS ЭТГЕН

Moosehead. Ganada’s Premium Beer.

All Brand Importers Inc, Lake Success, NV. Sole US. Importer © 1982

From the Playboy Dasignar

Line: a black satin beauty perfectly

balanced to feel right. Perfectly crafted to writa

right, for years and years. An ideal gift. To order, send

$30.00 in check or money order to: Playboy Products, PO. Box

1554-P Elk Grove Village, IL 60007. Or you may charge to Visa, Master Card
or American Express. Please include all numbers and signatures.

made with a polymer called Sorbothane,
boasts a 95 percent impact-absorption
rate, compared with the 60 percent found
in normal running-shoe materials. The
shoes are a little heavy, but for you, it's
probably a question of weight versus
pain. We'd opt for the extra weight.

И don’t care how dumb this sounds;
you are the only one who can help
me. I've noticed that on the underside
of my penis, there is a band of dark skin
running down the middle. Is that nor-
mal? I can't ask other guys; I'm not in
the habit of asking friends to show me
the bottoms of their cocks. What is it—
T. A., Detroit, Michigan

The Great Divide. Its medical name is
the penoscrotal raphe. In adult women,
there is a dark line of skin where the
labia meet. In adult men, that line is
found on the underside of ihe penis.
Just think of it as the cleft in your chin,
only lower.

Hing installed a wet bar in my
house, I'm in the process of becoming
an amateur bartender. But an order for
a screwdriver recently sent me to the
recipe book. You see, I had shaken the
drink for a friend, but he insisted that it
should have been stirred. What is the
rule on what should be shaken and what
should be stirred?—R. L., San Diego,
California.

The mistake isn’t entirely your fault
You were asked for one of the few
drinks that don’t fit the rule. Ordinarily,
drinks made with wine, or mixer-and
liquor combinations served with ice
cubes, are supposed to be stirred. Cor-
dials and drinks made with eggs, sugar,
fruit juices, are to be shaken with
cracked ice or blended with shaved ice.
The problem is that you are doing two
things: trying to mix the drink and try-
ing to get it cold. The latter brings the
danger of overdilution. Since the orange
juice is usually cold to begin with, shak-
ing it with ice will only dilute it, spoil
ing the drink. Also, since the drink is
served over cubes, it will remain cold,
anyway. In the future, remember that a
good bartender makes drinks the way
the customer likes them. The book is a
good guide, but taste is the final judge.

How seriously should one take the
scare stories about herpes? All the ar
cles mention the risk to newborn infants:
а 60 percent fatality rate. (For surviv-
ing babies, there is a 50 percent risk of
age.) The writers
also suggest that there is a link between
herpes and cancer. What are the actual
risks?—R. E., San Francisco, California.
For what we think of the scare stories
in general, turn to page 23. As for the
two most common misconceptions about
herpes—that it can kill innocents and
prove lethal to the one you love—here

blindness or brain

НЕ LOOK FOR
THE EIGHTIES.

Shorter hair. Crisp. Clean. Styled with
а personal touch. The look is natural.
Soft. Shiny. Healthy. Styled with VO5
Conditioning Hairdressing. 99% con-
centrated conditioners bring out the
highlights, add texture,

After you shampoo and dry your
hair, apply VOS with the palms of your
hands. Then, briskly massage finger-
tips in the hair and comb into place.

Top off the look for the Eighties
with VOS Hairdressing. More than
a look a statement.

p M
FREE!
Write for a complimentary tube:

Alberto Cutver Company. PO. Box 4569,
Monticello, MN 55365.

Y natural. healthy, lustrous Вай
ADDS LIFE TO DULL, DRY
HARD TO MANAGE HAIR
CONDITIONING HAIRDRESSING

MORE THAN A LOOK —IT'S A STATEMENT.

NASTASSJA

KINSKI

AVEDON
ORDER THIS COLOR POSTER

UNFRAMED FRAMED.

UNSIGNED PosTER | 55 | во
SIGNED POSTER [| seo | sus
SHIPPINGIUSA. sa ЕТТ

SHILPING/FOREIGN so | ss

ORDER TOLL FREE

^ 800-592-2610 x
Graphic Editions

THE POSTER COLLECTION

533 CHARIRES SI NFWORIEANS, LA ие

are the facts. According to one report,
“between one and five cases of herpes
are observed in newborns per 10,000 live
births. That estimated case rate trans-
lates to between 300 and 1500 infants
per year (out of 3,000,000 live births)”
Dr. Richard Hamilton, the author of
“The Herpes Book,” responds to those
statistics with good words of advice: “The
facts surrounding herpes іп newborns
are promising in one major regard: Since
transmission is nearly always by direct
exposure at or shortly after birth, rather
than by intrauterine means, infant
herpes, like adult herpes, is nearly 100
percent preventable.” The doctor will
monitor a pregnant woman. If there is a
recurrence of herpes near the time of de-
livery, he will resort to а Caesarean sec-
tion and avoid contagion. As for the risk
of cervical cancer, Dr. Hamilton says:
“Evidence of genital herpes was found
two to three times more often among
cervical-cancer patients than among
women without the condition. With all
indications pointing to the herpes sim-
plex virus as the elusive, longsought
factor in cervical cancer, Dr. [Andre 11
Nahmias wrote in Today's Health maga-
zine that women who suffer genital
herpes are eight times more likely to
develop cervical cancer than those with-
out herpes. Commenting on the pre-
liminary results of a study involving
1500 women—900 with herpes and 600
withoul—Dr. Nahmias predicted that
six percent of the women with genital
herpes would develop cervical cancer
within five years. . . From a practical
point of view, the knowledge that geni-
lal herpes is a risk factor can be put to
good use. Since a routine Pap test once
4 year сап minimize the possibility of
cervical cancer in any woman, women
who have a history of genital herpes are
advised to receive Pap tests every six
months. This is only twice as often as
normal, and the benefits far outweigh
апу minor inconveniences. The test
will reveal cervical tissue abnormalities
and cell changes at the earliest possible
moment. When such changes are detect-
ed early, the treatment is simple (it's
done in the doctor's office), painless, in-
expensive and effective in preventing the
abnormal cells from developing into a
true cancer.” Sound advice. We тесот-
mend that you pick up Hamilton's book.
The best cure for hysteria is informa-
lion.

All reasonable questions—from fash-
ion, food and drink, stereo and sports cars
10 dating problems, taste and ctiquette—
will be personally answered if the writer
includes a stamped, self-addressed en-
velope. Send all letters to The Playboy
Aduisor, Playboy Building, 919 N. Michi-
gan Avenue, Chicago, Illinois 60611. The
most provocative, pertinent queries will
be presented on these pages each month.

(A public service of the Liquor Industry
and this Publication.)

your

whistle
u

9,

drown
it.

Dont drink too much
of a good thing.

The
Distilled Spirits Council

of the United States.
1300 Pennsylvania Building,
Washington, D.C. 20004

Ste
inside
and make
yourself
comfortable.

“Thom eff Oakwood Collection.

Thom МсАп thinks your foot should

feel quite at home in a shoe. So we

made our stylish Oakwood collection

with lots of big comfort features:

* Soft. supple leather uppers.

* A padded heel to cushion every step.

* An amazing sole that flexes with your foot.
The Thom McAn Oakwood Collection.

In slip-on and lace-up styles. Black or brown.
Comfortably priced at just 544.99,

Only at Thom McAn.

Trommeln

Featured style available in most stores.

Prices slightly higher in Hawaii and Puerto Ri

1MPORTEO BY SOMERSET IMPORTERS, LTD., N.Y. © 1982
CANOLEHOLDERS 8Y BUCCELLATI

ШИ!

D
4 шул E. 7 n Gil

ARLES x E се rud
ANQUERA
LONDON "ENGLAND". ui

ela вы ear он at AED egy
LAND . 100% GRAN"

Why аме a collectors item that barely lights up the room,
when you can give one that brightens up the holidays.

Tanqueray Gin. A singular experience.

DEAR PLAYMATES

In the past, most of us picked up bits
and pieces of sexual lore here and
there, the best we could. Has that meth-
od changed? We decided to ask the
Playmates whether they learned about
sex at home, in school, from books or
magazines or from friends.
The question for the month:

How did you learn about sex?

I learned about sex at school. My
parents didn’t tell me anything, but
my sex-education class gave me impor-
information. As a

th-control
result, I've nev-
er taken апу
chances. They
really stressed
birth control,
and they also
talked а lot
about being
discriminating,
not taking ad-
vantage of birth
control. I was
13 or 14 then
Later, in high
school, I took a child-development
course. That class was great. That's when
all the kids started interacting. We

talked about sex.
еее Жж

KAREN PRICE
JANUARY 1981

V first heard about sex from other kids,
and my reaction was that my parents
would never do something like that. I
was about nine then. But if you want
the truth, I
don't think I
had a really de-
tailed sense of
it until I had
sex for the first
time. That ex-
perience wasn't
so great; it was
a little fright-
ening, in fact.
Later, 1 dated
men who were
a lot older than

e
M
mc. and that helped. They knew more,

and I learned from them. 1 think the
most erogenous zone in the body is the

And if you are with the right
10 matter how ordinary the sex
's the best.

2
РА?)
еее torio СӨ
CATHY LARMOUTH
JUNE 1981

ММ... 1 was six, my mother got preg-
nant. I was curious. I asked how babies
were made and
she told me.
She was very
surprised that
I understood.
I really did
understand. I
don't think it
warped me to
learn about sex
at such a young
age. I think the
later you find
out about it,
the more hang-ups you have. A friend
had sex explained to him by his mother
pointing out dogs in heat.

(ly E دوکر‎
CATHY ST. GEORGE

AUGUST 1982

IM], dad's an obstetrician /gynecologist,
and my parents were very open about
sex. They did
not actually sit
me down and
tell me the
facts of life,
but throughout
my childhood,
I got the mes-
sage that sex
was OK, that it
wasn't a sin,
that marriage
n't the only
time for it. All
my brothers and sisters were brought
up the same way

2

LYNDA WIESMEIER
JULY 1982

МАГ. ла you believe it? I learned about
sex from PLAYBOY. I swear to God! My
dad kept PLAY in the bedroom, and
1 guess I thought it was something
the other kids
would get a
ki out of
secing. I almost
got expelled in
de for

azine to school
in my lunch
box. 1 pulled
it out at recess,
and we were
all rcading the
jokes and look-
ing at the lovely ladies. I was going to
parochial school, and the principal. the

teacher and the reverend of the church
all predicted serious problems for me.

They were wrong.
face Дк

MARCY HANSON
OCTOBER 1978

mother told me about sex, and
she also told me that if I ever wanted
to have sex, I should do myself a favor
and be protected either by using the pill
or by making
sure that the
man Г wanted
to be with
and I discussed
sexual respon-
sibility so that
I wouldn't get
pregnant. It
was important
to me that she
was so forth-
coming and
honest, because
young women often overemphasize the
romantic aspects of sex. I love my mom
for thinking about the practical side.

Fauan Michala
LORRAINE MICHAELS
APRIL 1981

Ё was a slow developer, The summer I
was 15 and baby-sitting a group of
kids, my mom gave me The Sensuous
Woman to read. She obviously thought
I was socially

retarded. As I
began to read
it, 1 thought it
was horrible. T
couldn't imag-
ine doing any
of those things.
But as I read
on, curiosity
overtook the
disgust. After I
hed it, my
mom and I
talked, and since then, we've been able
to discuss everything, even when 1 had
finally had sex. Maybe we were so close
because she raised me by herself.

/ „

rich Bs Lugs
7 more TEEN
APRIL 198

If you have a question, send it to
Dear Playmates, Playboy Building, 919
North Michigan Avenue, Chicago, Illi
nois 60611. We won't be able to answer
every question, but we'll do our best.

63

It is rather puzzling why some
carmakers are still building low-
performance luxury cars
Here in Bavaria, Audi engineers find it
inconceivable that a true luxury car can't
maneuver through the mountain roads of
Oberbayern without stumbling, or rocker
down the Munich-Salzburg Autobahn
without maintaining directional control
We have never sacrificed mindful per-
formance for mindless luxury
Granted, we do appreciate thick car-
pets, sumptuous seats and the like. So, a

luxury Au
rigueur amenities that the modern world
expects in a car. But it also comes replete
with something else: legendary engineer-
ing finesse
rehing constantly for new innova-
tions, such as our front-wheel drive, high-
efficiency tive-cylinder engines, negative
steering roll radius, and torsion crank rear
axles is what makes Audi engineering
unique.

It makes every Audi we build a driver's
car. A performance саг

comes replete with the de

Indeed, it's not surprising that Audi
offers perhaps the greatest variety of per-
formance oriented German automobiles
sold in America, including the 5000, the
5000 Turbo and Turbo Diesel, Quattro,
Coupe, and the 4000 Gas and Diesel

Alter all, who takes performance more
seriously than Audi?

For your nearest Porsche Aud
details on the Audi Delivery In Europe
Program, call toll free (800) 447-4700. In
Illinois, (800) 322-4400. « i

PORSCHE -AUDI

aler ur

Audi: the art of engineering.

THE PLAYBOY FORUM

a continuing dialog on contemporary issues between playboy and its readers

SPERM BANKING

So much for the Repository for Ger-
minal Choice, otherwise known as the
Nobel Prize sperm bank. The National

nquirer has published an interview
with the Phoenix woman who allowed
herself to be artificially inseminated with
the sperm of an "eminent mathemati
n” and then bore the first “Nobel
rize baby.” Now a couple of Chicago
Tribune columnists have blown the
whistle. Not only were the woman and
her husband sentenced to prison a few
years back for mail fraud and false loan
applications but the woman had had her
two natural children taken from her on
charges of abuse. Reportedly, they were
beaten and had to sleep on the floor;
the son had to go to school in pajamas
for wetting his bed and the daughter had
to go to school with the word оомму on
her forehead. Their natural father sought
and obtained custody, which was no sim-
ple matter.

Now the lady has a baby daughter to
play with. I suppose the child had better
display genius or she's in for trouble.

According to the columnists, all the
woman had to do to get sperm was fill
out a questionnaire and send it in

The sperm came by airfreight. What
а way to run a sperm bank!

(Name withheld by request)
каво. Ilinois

The latest recipient of sperm turns out
to be a woman psychologist with excel
lent credentials but no marriage certifi
cate. Which is no big deal, except that
she was a little vague on her application.
Seems as though sperm banks ought to
do a little checking before shipping.

M.M. DOWN UNDER

The ime the Reverend Jerry
Falwell comes to Australia. he'd better
make sure his Moral Majority hasn't al-
ready been trademarked by the opposi
tion. A few months before his arrival,
the Sydney gay community had regis
tered that expression and used it widely
on T-shirts, stickers and badges. Such
slogans а | Majority supports
abortion on demand,” "Moral Majori
loves lesbians” and “Moral Majority de-
mands gay rights" were seen widely at
M.M. functions.

Falwell’s trip here was a fiasco. Other
groups had been organized to mock or
to protest his arri nd he didn't seem
even to know who it was that had in-
vited him. In the country at the time
was Senator George McGovern, who

next

told the Australian press that the U.S.
Moral Majority was hung up on people's
sex lives to the exclusion of such broa
er subjects as economic and social issues.
James Gerrand, Secretary
Australian Humanists
Melbourne, Australia

“Being an audiophile,
I have to question why
anyone in his right mind

would play a tape or
an album backward.”

SATANIC MESSAGES
Being an audiophile. I have to question

why anyone in his right mind would
play а tape or an album backward. И
there are subliminal phrases, who cares?
In most cases. the very act of playing
tapes or albums backward is going to
destroy them, and | seriously hope that
this letter will be published for the sake
of all the stereo equipment in the world
today. Long live albums!

Tom Greeley

Park Ridge, New Jersey

Well, I listened to Led Zeppelin's
Stairway to Heaven backward on my

four-track recorder to try to hear the sub.
liminal phrases "Here's to my sweet
Satan" and “I live for Satan." The only
phrases that remotely resembled those
lines were “Yes. there are . .“ and “And
there's still time.“

Assemblyman Phil Wyman of Sacra
mento and the members of the Washi
ton Chapel of Peace ought to have their
heads examined for two very good rea-
sons: one, for thinking that these are
subliminal messages and two. for playing
Stairway to Heaven backward.

Larry Alpen
Yonkers. New York

You mean you heard something?

INSANITY

What would you do with a
had bludgeoned his wife to death with а
hammer. drove her body to a lake, where
he dumped it, and had thereafter been
charged with second-degree murder? Cut
him loose?

That's essentially what a cri
judge did.

Five of the six psychiatrists and. psy-
hologists who had examined the man
found that he was suffering from tem-
porary insanity. "The judge sentenced him
to 60 days in jail. 1 should add that the
prosecutors found that the man had no
history of mental illness or violence, and
no one chimed he was mentally Ш at
the time he was brought into court. 1
should also add that he was the chairman
of the department of educational. psy-
chology at the University of Missouri-
Kansas City іп 1980, when he committed
the crime,

Maybe the т mad. 1 don't know
what went through his head the night he
killed his wife. I do know that he's prob
ly a lot saner than John Hinckley
who shot the President

(Name and address
withheld by request)

How about the тап іп Miami who was
pursued and killed after fatally wound
ing eight al a welding shop? He was a for-
mer instructor

man who

inal-court

E

DEATH PENALTY

The US. will witness а spate of ex
ions beginning in 1983-1984 without
allel in this nation since the Depres-
sion era to Benjamin Ren
director of the Bureau of
Justice Statistics

That's what he said in a newspaper
article. And quite probably he's right—
unless something to end this

is done

65

PLAYBOY

66

mindless slaughter. He added, “The si
uation is ripe for the nation to witness
a rate approaching the
се per weck that prevailed
during the Thirties. We will then have
a grim arena in which to conduct our
national debate on the efficacy of the

nt to ask: Did killing three a
ing the Thirties make any dif-
ference in the crime rate?

Did the killing of one Gary
hing at all?
"Truc, Gilmore won't go out and kill
dead. But I seem to recall
that it’s cheaper to incarcerate a man
for 30 or 40 years than to

And killing somebody
gesture—no more, no less—that
have no effect whatever on the nati
crime rate, which seems to be a function
pi

тоге

у:
Bob Hardin
Ithaca, New York

Gerald Smith, a convicted murderer
awaiting the death penalty in Missouri.
writes that he wishes to drop his appeals
and “go on down” (The Playboy Fo
rum, September). се PLAYBOY is
strongly opposed to execution, I think
your response is a cop-out: “Once the
system is in motion, it's nearly as hard
to expedite an execution as to prevent
one.” That is both expected and totally
inadequate.

Your assertion is patently false. The ex
есшіоп of killers Gary Gilmore, Jesse
Bishop and Steven Judy within the
past five years are incontestable proof
that an execution can be expedited if
the convicted murderer so wishes.

As a fervid and devout advocate of
capital punishment for murderers, I am
<tremely curious as to how The Playboy
Forum justifies its enigmatic and highly
questionable attitude in this matter,

Lanny R. Middings
San Ramon, California

Gilmore, Bishop and Judy were, essen-
tially, suicides who had spent years on
death row. The only recently executed
murderer who resisted in the end was
John Spenkelink, and by then, it was
too late. This year and next, plenty of
denth-row inmates may “go on down,”
and we won't be able to prevent that.
We've had a number of letters from
people such as Smith, which is why we
published his. But you're right: We're
totally opposed to capital punishment.

MEN'S. RIGHTS

The seven part series Man and Woman
(etavnoy, January-July) is so long that
it gives the dangerous impression of be
ing accurate. As an examination of tradi
l ide: Іс and female, it takes
to account the challenge of the wom-
Readers

i
en's movement of the 5

FORUM NEWSFRONT

what’s happening in the sexual and social arenas

CATNAPING

ARKERS ISLAND, NORTH cu
Indictments have been returned against
two women accused of trying to extort
518,000 from two elderly brothers by
kidnaping their pet tomcat. The victim,
Cry Baby, is identified in warrants as
“one domesticated male cat, white in
color with yellow tail” A county dep-
uty said, “It's kind of а humorous
crime, but we're taking it scriously—as
seriously as if they'd broken into your
house and stolen $18,000." The defend-

ants, aged 21 and 19, inadvertently led
police to the spot where the cat was to
be exchanged for the cash. According to
one of the brothers, 67, “We got him
back safe and sound. That's all we were
worried about.

BOMB CASE BACKFIRES
puorsıs—Max Dunlap, а local con-
tractor once sentenced to die for the
bombing murder of reporter Don
Bolles in 1976, has filed a $605,000,000
lawsuit against the city of Phoenix and
some 19 police officers, claiming they
conspired to deny him a [air trial.
Dunlap protested his innocence at the
time of his arrest and, since his release
from death row, has said that the po
lice department withheld. from his
attorneys evidence that would have ex-
oneraled him and “unshrouded those
who were in league with [John Har-
vey] Adamson in the murder of Bolles.”
Adamson named Dunlap and another
man, James Robison, as the people
who helped him commit the murder.
1s we go 10 press, Adamson is under а

death sentence, with his conviction un-
der appeal to the Arizona State Su-
preme Court.

UNSOLICITED ADVICE

WASHINGTON, р.С.-/п ап unsolicit
ed friend-of-the-court brief, Justice De-
partment lawyers have asked the U.S.
Supreme Court to give states and local
communities greater latitude in making
abortions more difficult to obtain. The
brief addressed. itself to ordinances in
Akron, Ohio, and to state laws in Mis-
souri and Virginia, and it apparently
reflects the attitude of the Reagan Ad-
ministration. I1 marks the first time
since the Court legalized abortion in
1973 that the Justice Department has
spoken out in abortion cases in which
the Federal Government is not a party
and no Federal law is involved.

In California, however, a state court
of appeals has ruled that some 97,000
women on Medi-Cal will remain cligi-
ble to receive state-funded abortions
despite legislative attempts to deny
the service.

Meanwhile, President Reagan, speak-
ing before a Catholic audience in Con.
necticut, declared that he will support
legislation restricting abortions. “This
national tragedy of abortion on de-
mand must end. . . . If we don't know
when the unborn becomes а human
life,” Reagan said, “then we must opt
for life unless and until someone can
prove it is not alive."

The President also has written а let-
ter supporting the efforts of a “pro-life”
organization lo arrange a memorial
service for thousands of discarded
fetuses recovered from the home of а
man whose medical laboratory has
gone out of business.

KIDDIE PORN

WASHINGTON, u Ile US. Supreme
Court has voted. unanimously to up
hold the laws of New York and some
19 other states aimed at suppressing
“kiddie porn,” the use of underage
children in sexually explicit films, pho
tographs or performances. The law,
which also prohibits the sale and pro-
duction of such material, applies
whether or not the material is found
legally obscene. In his written opinion,
Justice Byron R. White ruled that
“child pornography . . . is a category
of material outside the protection of
the First Amendment.”

IMPLIED CONTRACT

CARMEL, ınDtana—Alforneys for the
Cracker Jack company must have been
amazed to learn that a nine-year-old
girl was suing it [or failure to comply
with the terms of its implied contract.
Jt seems that the youngster bought a
box of Cracker Jack and did not rte-
There

ceive her "prize in every box.”

as none in mine,” she said. "I feel that
since I bought their product because of
their claim, they broke a contract with
me” The plaintiff asked Cracker Jac
ve her a prize, and that’s what the
company did. Plus а fresh box of
Cracker Jack.

SEXUAL HARASSMENT
MADISON, WISCONSIN— A 33year-old
тап has been awarded nearly $200,000
іп damages in а sexual-havassment
suit against his female supervisor. Ac-
cording lo his lawyer, “So far as re-
ported cases go. is the first time that
а man has ever шоп a sex-harassment
case against a woman” —who, the plain
tiff alleged, demoted him for refusing

10 continue having sex with her.

LAW STRUCK DOWN

bas Ning that gays have the
same privacy rights as anyone else, а
Federal district judge has struck down
a Texas law prohibiting homosexual
acts. “The right of privacy.” the judge
wrote, “does extend to private sexual
conduct between consenting adults—
whether husband and wife, unmarried
males and females or homosexuals—
and the right of equal protection con
demns a state statute which prohibits
homosexual sodomy, bul not heterosex
ual sodomy, without any rational basis.”
The decision, which could affect many
of the state's estimated 1,500,000 homo-
sexuals, arose out of a suit filed by a

35year-old man against the attorneys
for the county and city of Dallas. The
judge rejected the defense argument
that the law was justified because ho-
mosexuality is “undesirable in our
present society.

MANDATORY SENTENCES
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Mandatory sen
tencing for drug and gun offenses—a
favorite crime-control device of some
conservative — legislators—has merely
added to court backlogs and put more
discretion in the hands of the police, ac-
cording to a Justice Department study.
“To the extent that rigid controls can
be imposed, the effect may be to pe
nalize some less serious offenders, while
the punishment for more serious cases
is postponed, reduced or avoided alto-
gether,” the study said. The survey,
which involved New York's 1973 law
requiring long sentences for certain
drug offenders and Massachusetts’ 1975
law against carrying a gun, was con-
ducted for the National Institute of
Justice, a research branch of the Jus
tice Department. It found that “in
both states, the actual numbers of of-
fenders affected by the harsher penal-
lies were much smaller than one might
have supposed from a literal reading
of the law [although] the unlucky frac-
tion who could not escape did receive
more se

"sentence

GREAT GRANNY'S GRASS

novsrox—Despite efforts by the
courts, the district atlorney and even
the police to get her to plea-bargain,
an 82-year-old great-grandmother. de-
cided that she'd go 10 court on charges
of growing several marijuana plants.
She claimed she'd got the seed from a
physician in Monterrey and used the
weed only to brew a potion for the
treatment of her arthritis. A judge had
promised her two years probation, with
expungement of her record; but a jury
found her guilty of felony marijuana
cultivation. The judge did give her
two years’ probation, stipulating that
she call him occasionally to let him
know how she was feeling. She insisted,
“1 still say I didn't know what it was.”

MEAN GENE

LA JOLLA, CALIFORNIA—Recombin-
ant-DNA researchers in California re-
port that they have managed to isolate
and copy а human gene that, when it
becomes defective, produces severe re-
tardation and causes its victims lo ти.
tilate themselves by gnawing off Шей
fingers and lips. Scientists at the. Uni-
versity of California San Diego, School
of Medicine, say their discovery could

lead to an effective treatment for the
Lesch-Nyhan syndrome, an incurable
disease that occurs once in every
100,000 births. The gene is the only
one so Jar deciphered in which mal-
functions produce behavior changes
and retardation.

CIViL RIGHTS RULING
WASHINGTON, D.C. New regulations
on sex discrimination will prevent high
school students from making Federal
their
skirt lengths or

cases over beards, bras, hair,

whatever, In other

words, students will have to leave their
cases to local courts or education offi-
cials. Women’s groups have opposed the
change, arguing that it will foster sex
discrimination by slercoty ping roles for

male and female students. Indian
groups have said that it will abridge
freedom of education and religion for
iheir people, to whom long hair is a
cultural malter. But Education Secre-
tary T. H. Bell said, “This is another
example where weve stretched and
tortured the law out to the point of
absurdity.”

CASINO STING

WASHINGTON, D.C.—"Congratula
tions!” the letter began, and it went on
to advise, “Yon have been selected 10
join Fist Tours on their inaugural trip
lo Atlantic City,” including 515 in
quarters for the slot machines, compli
mentary drinks, wine and cheese and,
finally, a “free surprise” The surprise
was a rude one cooked up by the US.
Marshals which was looking for
85 New York fugitives who had made
the select mailing list. The four who
showed up were arrested, and two oth-
ers apprehended before the departure
date had the letter in their pockets.

67

PLAYBOY

68

LIQUEUR

MOUSTACHE WAX

A must for styling, grooming & training
moustaches, beards and sideburns.
Excellent for temporary color
touch-ups and covering gray.

Sad bus Stes , SOY TOL NOT LEAL CASTS) es HA SU

Money ach guarantee
FATALE — Tempting елине thes cout cotton pinalore-snded
hay dol entre licel ¥ a Lavish

Introductory size
LILAC VEGETAL AFTER
SHAVE LOTION with
Pinaud Moustache Wax
plus styling comb/brush.
Only 52.50 postpaid,
handling included.

PINAUD «ci sec кенеше d

Please send. sets ef Pınaud Special

бо wich money-back guarantee

st. michele

212 Filth Ave., Suite 412. Dept VPB-13
‘Rew Vork. NY 10010

Олег at 32.50 per set. No do S 8 Please rush under your money-back guarantee:

Check shade(s): Chestnut С) Brown E Š 79W Nicole (Size — ) 318.30

Neutral (White [) Blonde С] Black U BW Fatale (Size) 319.95
U УВВ How Women Love to be Loved .... $10.00

Name

Name
Address
City

Address
City.

State. lip

that it
the current state of the art
deal with cl ges of the
ment of the Eighties.

The authors have
intolerable;

should be cautioned represents
14 does not

men's move

bias that I find

it's intertwined throw

out
the series and surfaces clearly on the
final page. On the treatment of women:

“Grant them equality of opportunity in
the workplace but at the same time give
them special respect and special tr
ment as potential and aciual mothers,
I cannot accept that blueprint for
women's tion and men's limitation
The me hovement fully supports
equality for women in the workplace
(the male field). but we also demand
equality Гог men in parenting (the fe
male field). We insist that we receive the
same respect and the same treatment as
potential and actual fathers
Once we receive equal rights and
equal opportunity, we will
that the biological difference that carns
women special respect and special treat
ment as mothers is as overrated as the
difference t arned men spec
spect and spe
and truck drive
Fredric Hayward, 1
Men's Rights, Inc.
umbridge, Massachusetts

I realize

ctor

BIG CLINIC IN THE SKY

Of the 300.000,000 conception
ring annually world-wide, only one third
actually th. That indi
ate of 66 and

occur

result in bi

cent. One c
that since the dawn
s provided the largest abor-
He, furthermor

therefore.
kind. God I
tion service on earth.
disposes of these fertilized ova without

ceremony or any holy sacraments of the
Church. And in most cases, the women
involved survive, indicating that God
places His highest priority on the well-
being of the mature human female (thus
upholding the 1973 Supreme Court de-
Roe vs. Wade).

The mortal male's role in abortion
needs to be addressed, too. Men con-
маних absorb. sperm-altering substances
(including alcohol. drugs and chemicals
from the workplace and environment)
These substances can cause defective:
sperm that may lead to natural abortion.

I wish, therefore, to address the lol-
this country
on is strictly а

cision i

men's issue:

1. Will God be pers
Majority-sponsored human-life statute
to abandon His grand design at the
borders of the United States?

2. Will a male, be he Senator, preach-
er or citizen, who willfully
ner with defective sperm be held

ded by a Moral

soi

ife bill is
travel to

n womei

passed and Amer

Christian Dior

MONSIEUR

Luxurious to the touch. Diorsuede, the
ultimate in manmade leathers. Soft and
supple. Rich to the eye.

n Dior Mons it as the

101 N. Wacker Dr., Chicago, II. 60006

1082 Hart Sarvcen. Ine

69

PLAYBOY

70

foreign countries for needed abortions,
will we send in the U.S. Marines to
save the fertilized ova?

The litigation will be endless. The
American male should shudder at all the
i ions. Does he dare have sex at
Remember, the police and the law-
y be watching!

Harmen van der Woude, M.D.

enna, Virgini:

Women suffer and are punished for sex
and men are not. I enjoy sex as much as
any man and I see no reason why I have

to abstain from one of life's greatest
pleasures out of fear of becoming
pregnant.

I continue to believe in the right of
у woman to have sex and to not bear
children. I thank pravnov for its support
of legal abortion, legal birth control and
sex education.
(Name withheld by request)
Pasadena, California

Tam shocked by your rebuke to Phil-
lip B. Shawas in your September issue.
When you advise someone to "stop try-
ing to compel our secular lawmakers to
grant constitutional rights to fetuses,”
you should remember that it is our con-
stitutional right to speak as we pleasc.

Without the freedom of the press and
of speech, your own usually fine maga-
zine might never have been published.
I don't ask you to stop trying to compel
our liberal lawmakers to legalize mai
juana. Please continue to express your
views and arguments on subjects, but
please do not advise your public that we
cannot express ours.

Carlos F. Gutay

Fort Walton Beach, Florida

Granting tights 10 fetuses is merely

a ploy to outlaw abortion, itself the
right of every woman who becomes preg-
nant. Yours is a minority position: your
speech is fully protected; you can jump
on us when we support the idea of mak-
ing abortion mandatory.

MORE BUTTONS, MORE STICKERS
A note to let you know that we have
been swamped with letters, notes, re-

quests and responses to the American
Society of Journalists and Authors’ “I
read banned books” button campaign

(The Playboy Forum, August). They are
coming from across the country—from
small towns in Mississippi and large citi

such as Minneapolis. We've had two
born-again Christians write to explain
why they feel strongly that there should
be no censorship: a Moral Majority lady

ies

PLAYBOY FOUNDATION NEWS

The Playboy Defense Team rou-
tinely works with local lawyers on
at seem outrageous in terms
her punishment or violation of
s. Normally, those cases
ppellate level and do not
involve issues of guilt or innocence.
But sometimes those are exactly the
The Larry Hicks case in In-
a ("Playboy Casebook,” August
1980, May 1981) and the Thomas
Brady appeal in North Carolina
("Playboy Casebook,” October, No-
vember) are two examples of the
atter, Now the Team hopes to ex-
pand its operations by working with
two attorneys’ groups, The National
Association of Criminal Defense Law.
yers (N.A.C.D.L.) and Trial Lawyers
for Public Justice (T.L.P.]). The first
deals in criminal law and the second
primarily in civil litigation.
The 7 J. recently held
raising party at Playboy Mansion
West with rLAyuov Editor and Pub-
lisher Hugh M. Hefner helping r
nearly 520.000. Another fund raiser
was scheduled for October at the
Playboy Mansion in Chicago. Dean
Robb of Michigan is the president,
ind Anthony Z. Roisman of Wash-
ington is the executive director of the.
n, which can be contacted

through Trial Lawyers for Public
Justice, 2000 P Street, N.W., Suite
611, Washington, D.C. 20056.

The N.A.C.D.L. has been author-
ized an initial grant for $10,000 to
use the nationwide resources of its
members, who volunteer to under
Ке cases of mutual interest to that
organization and the Playboy Defense
Team. Inquiries can be made to
PLAYBOY at 919 North Michigan Av-
enue, Chicago, Ilinois 60611, or to
The № tion of Cri al
Defense Lawyers, 2600 South Loop
West ), Houston, Texas 77054.

On another front, the Playboy
Foundation has made а series of
grants in connection with various
projects involving the Government.
The Institute for Policy Studies, 1901
Q Street N.W., Washington, D.C.
20009, and the Media Network, 208
West h Street, New York, New
York 10011, have published guides to
films and publications conca
clear disarmament.
nuary will be the tenth annive
sary of the Supreme Court's historic
Roe vs. Wade decisi
ized abortion. Stand by for an upd
on current efforts to undo that deci
sion by means of constitutional
amendments and other legisla

ning nu-

wrote to say she was surprised to learn
that Jerry Falwell was in favor of cen-
sorship: and many college students and
struggling authors and thousands of
open-minded readers want to let their
voices be heard in keeping America's
freedom to read strong. It's wonderful
opening the mail cach morning!

If there's more delay in replying to
their requests than your readers expect-
ей, please accept our sincere apologies.
We've had far more replies than we ever
expected; we're working our way
through them and tying to keep our
office in operation at the same time.

What's more, we now offer а snazzy
bumper sticker (two dollars) if you'd like
your car to express its op

Keep on reading those I

Ашегісап Society of Journalists
and Authors, Inc.

1501 Broadway, Suite 1907

New York, New York 10036

DANGEROUS DRUG

А while back, I was busted carrying
one and one half ounces of marijuana
while going into a rock'n'roll concert.
When I arrived downtown, they put
me into a small concrete cell. During
that night. all kinds of people were
brought in. One middle-aged lady
came in screaming at the cops. "You
raped my daughter, you nogood sons
of bitches" She went into a wild frenzy
scratching. kicking.

of more screaming.
punching and dawing of the officers.
у. they dragged her away, still
ning. Later, а man in his late 505
came in. He was telling them, “You
killed the President. you no-good ass
holes!” He also fought them. They put
him into a solitary cell and into a
strait jacl In my cell, there were 20
people. We had to try to sleep in that
situation.

The next day, I went into another
cell. Right away, one of the prisoners
started to push me around and knocked
my head against the wall and the toilet.
Then the other prisoners joined in. All
three of them threatened to rape me. At
that point, I saeamed for the guard
The prisoners tried to convince him that
I was OK and they didn t me to
leave. Luckily. the guard did let me out

In my next cell. I found there was
actually someone human in that mad-
house. He asked me, “Are you Ok?
But, as it turned out, he was just as
crazy as anybody else. He was so terrified
by the prospect of getting sent to the
state pen, he tried to talk me into killing
him for his own good. The next night.
one of the prisoners tried to convince
me that he and a few others were going

t ма

to escape. 1 declined.
І was never so glad to see the blue
ny life as when 1

as finally
g Irial

sky
released on

I'm now awaiti

Stolichnaya
TheVo

STOLICHNAYA VODKA BO and 160 pr, distilled from grain.
ap ported by Monsieur Hanri iges, Lie White Poles, New Yok:

nnen L.

FASHION UNDERWEA

Grrreät style-Grreeat tit.

| Gerreafloolors., 7 7
(Alt with that famous
Fruit ofthe (бот? quality.
And that makes Great Looks
underwear a grrreat value!

€ 1482 Und Underwear co Inc . PO. Box 780, Bowling Green, KY 42101 An operatng company of Northwest industes
1

PX

uc

a
%

nd frightened out of my wits. I'm loc
t up to a year lor possession

some weed that Im convinced is perl

harmless when sensibly used for plea

nd relaxation. I'm learnin:

law. Um not sure where the justice i
(Name withheld by
Albuquerque. New M

4s the old
tainly is a dan
one's body to be thrown into

GUN CONTROL
I really like San Franci m
nne Feinstein's response to her own
ban on pistols: "You can get rid of your

COVER-UP AND A HALF

Your readers may get a laugh from
the cover-up attempted by one of our
local automobile dealers after his ad
appeared offering a free trip to Hawaii
10 purchasers of а new car

Tom Franson

Kennewick. Washin
gun any way you want. С
body outside San Francisco: sell it outsid
San Francisco. See how far vou can
throw it into the middle of the bay

As I recall, she was the person who, in

response to a bomb threat, bought а
pistol and then couldn't remember wherc
she'd put it. Tossed it on a shelf in a
closet, she thought she recollected. 1
presume it was loaded. 1 don't know
whether or not she children, but that
probably the most stupid thing I've ever
heard about anyone concerned with fire
arms safety

(Name withheld by request)

Wisconsin Dells, Wisconsin

А few years ago E read that there were
in estimated 26.000.000 re 1
smokers and about the same aber of

handgun ow ne coincidence of the

numbers struck me as because
none of the grass people I knew owned
guns and none of the gun owners I k

smoked grass. In Lact, they were oppo

sites in many ways. You ca

t
r ‚avorite photo
let, ап е home some
filters:
There's no simpler way to change
the worl 5

PLAYBOY

74

group tended to be long-haired. liberal,
pacifistic and laid back and which was
short-haired. conservative, defense mind.
ed and uptight.
I thought to myself at the time, If
Шу the rednecks and the long-hairs
could get together, we'd have а powerful
political coalition of well-armed, laid-
back good of freaks who wouldn't make
trouble for nobody but who would be
perfectly capable of shooting the shit out
body who aggressed against them.
Alas, it turns out that the freaks are no
longer so nicely laid back and the red-
necks still have their guns. despite their
discovery of dope. So much for that idea.
(Name withheld by request)
Dallas. Texas

You allow a National Rifle Associa-
tion spokesman to nitpick on points
raised by reader Robert Homan, who
doe: his facts in perfect order
(The Playboy Forum, September). That’
fine 1 good. The N.R.A. become
the spokesgroup for the entire right wing
of Ameri which cannot see beyond
ple statistics of ne's inability to
prove one way or another that guns cause

rt have

can tell you ver
cause crime. In any

simply why guns do
most

aywhere, for that matter the prolifera
tion of firearms causes people to lose con
sciousness of how dangerous weapons are.
They forget that ісу generally against the
law to use them. They forget what guns
are all about: They are used to kill
people. When it comes to handguns, they
are used. for that. purpose far more often
than for any other, with the usual excep-
tions of g and hunting,” which is
so much that applies
onl s. And the notion that

. nonsense

bullshit.
censing of pistol owners would
Шу stop the cument national
crime wave, but it would give the
st the wea

Maryland

Т consider myself knowledgeable in the
trafficking of stolen firearms, At present,
Tam i ed at a Federal institution
for buying and selling them over a period
of 14 years. From a professional thicl's
point of view, burglaries of homes and
nd sporting-goods stores contribute
percent of the stolen guns in
today. The remaining one
percent comes from cars.

The burglar > problem finding

offices

An Oklahoma City woman, who
has noted the curious cases we oc-
casionally report іп “The Playboy
Forum" and who for professional
reasons wishes 10 anony-
mous, passes along one that surely
must have been a challenge for the
plaintiff's attorney, Dan Zorn, to
translate into a straight-faced le-
gal complaint. Editing out only
the names and dates, the petition
alleges:

That the plaintiff and |
were guests at the defendant's res
taurant for the purpose of һау
di approximately eight vu.
tiff alleges that while she and
her date were obtaining salads from
the salad bar. waiter who was
working as an employee for the
defendant came behind the plain-
tiff with a long horn, probably two
to three feet in length. and while
the plaintiff was obtaining a salad
with her back turned to the defe
ant’s employee, he took the open
end of the horn and placed it be-
tween plaintifs legs. Plaintiff al-
leges that the defendant's employee

remain

FORUM FOLLIES

forced the horn up
ИГУ
legs, with the end of
the hom touching
plaintiff's. vagina, and

while in that position,
proceeded to blow the
horn. Plaintiff alleges
that she was startled and
greatly humiliated by the
conduct of defend
employ
Plaintiff alleges that. de-
fendant’s employee сот

mitted an assault and battery

upon her person and that
as a result of assault and battery.
the plaintiff suffered great personal

humiliation and embarrassment and
shock and anxiety . . . and that
plaintiff is entitled to punitive d.
ages in the sum of $10,000.

On advice of counsel—ours and
will add that the
matter was settled ош of court for
a reasonable sum that satisfied the
plaintiff and presumably preserved
the reputation of the defendant
establishment, Molly Aub
House of Fine Re pute.

the woman's—we

if he isn’t
Once the supply of
shed, the crimes

weapons, eve
They're everywheı
stolen weapons is dimin
will stop.

Instead of lobbying for stricter gun-
control laws, the weapons industry should
educate its customers in how to
their guns from thieves and burglars.
Few whom I know have the ability to
open safes or even locked steel gun
cabinets.

ard

William Hull

Birmingham, Alabama

BOWLEY AND WILSON

Hooray for the August “Playboy Case
book" on John Bowley and John Wilson
and the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Com
the tip of the
werbial iceberg. The T.A.B.C. is
е agency governed only by itsell: I
owners have no legal recourse i
fined or audited (yearly): all appeals are
made to the I. A. B. C. lis regulations
© so vague that no matter h
you try to comply with its wishes or to
keep your records. the commission's in
terpr n may find you i
И you fight it, it will c
either shut you down or rum y
pletely out of business. Ive had numer
ous conferences. with lawyers, state
representatives and other bar owners
and have concluded that our situation is
hopeless. The tactics used by the T. &. B. C.
and the mentality of its agents are better
ed to the Gestapo.

As for Bowley and Wilson. my only
regret is that the Playboy Defense Team
as not able to follow them into court
on the "obscenity" charges and expose
the T.A.B.C. for w

e

mission. You touch only
pr

they arc

u com.

is.
ic and address
withheld by vequest)

JURIST IMPRUDENCE

Contrary to your in “Hookers
in Exile" (Forum Newsjront, September).
the California judge who “deported a
prostitute" is not а he. Although it may
not belit your m bent,
there are judges who happen to be of the

report

female persuasion. [would appreciate
your recog the fact that women
have bra Adition to their other
attributes.

Dana Senit Henry, [uc
Los Angeles Municipal Court
Los Angeles. Califor

Oops.

The Playboy Forum”
opportunity for an extended dialog
between readers and editors of this
publication on contemporary issues. Ad-
dress all correspondence 10 The Playboy
Forum, Playboy Building, 919 North
Michigan Avenue, Chicago. Hlinois 60611

offers the

Beneath every stylish man,
theres a Dexter. ж

Keep the frost off your feet in these
lightweight, sturdy, supersoft boots from
Dexter. They'll keep you warm and snug, b
romping through the snow or relaxing by

the fireplace.
In short, they're fine American-made

boots with your kind of style. At your kind

of price,
Because that's Dexter's style.

A.

‘Shoemakers to America

1982 Dexter Shoe Company, 31 St. James Avenue, Boston, MA 02116

The Spirit of America

a

Wyoming Winter by Dick Durrance

Somewhere west of Laramie, men still ride
from dawn ‘til dusk. And settle down to a shot of Bourbon
against the chill of the night. Old Grand-Dad still makes that
Bourbon, the only truly American whiskey, just as
we did 100 years ago. Its the spirit of America.

Fora 19"x26" print of Wyoming Winter, send a check

or money order for $4.95 to Spirit of America, P.O. Box 183W,
Carle Place, N.Y. 11514.

Old Grand-Dad

estuckySraight Bourben Wie 86 Proof, Od база Dad Ому Со. rario. KY C1982 National Distile: Ine

PLAYBOY INTERVIEW:

JULIE ANDREWS and BLAKE EDWARDS

а candid conversation with the showbiz couple who, together or apart, gave us
“mary poppins,” “the sound of music,” “the pink panther,’ “70°” and “s.o.b.”

Think of their marriage as “Mary
Poppins Meets Godzilla.” For more than
20 years, Julie Andrews has been the
stage and screen’s unchallenged symbol
of virginal innocence and vocal clarity.
Charming though she may be, Andrews
hasn’t been a virgin for some time now,
and in her husband’s two most recent
films, she has flashed her breasts
(“S.0.B.”) апа gamboled in male drag
(Victor | Victoria”); but that still hasn't
changed the way movie fans feel about
her. Writer-producer-director Blake Ed-
wards, Andrews’ spouse since 1969, is a
multimillionaire thanks to the past
three Pink Panther films and "10";
but for years, Hollywood placed him in
cold storage, and while studio execu-
tives diddled, he burned. Still regarded
as a glowering inferno, Edwards lived
through a crushing period of failure
after achieving a solid string of early
successes. So did his wife.

Before the end of 1964, Andrews and
Edwards had both become major forces
in the movie business. To be sure, An-
drews' star shown more brightly. Born
in Walton-on-Thames, England, т
1935, Andrews had the range of a
coloratura soprano when she was 12, at
which point she became a child star.
For the next six years, she sang her
adult-sized larynx hoarse as a full-time

“On TV, I came across too
icy; the writers wanted to
show how I really ат. I said,
4 could ball the band.’ There
was this awful silence.”

“After the first Pink Panther
film, Peter Sellers became a
monster. He just got bored
with the part. With each film,
he got stranger and madder.”

trouper on the English music-hall cir-
cuit. Soon after turning 18, she was
hired to star in the New York produc-
tion of “The Boy Friend,” and two years
later, in 1956, she and Rex Harrison
stood Broadway on its ear when they
opened in “My Fair Lady.” After a long
tun in that show, Andrews starred oppo-
site Richard Burton in “Camelot,” and
if critics didn't admire it quite as much

“as “My Fair Lady,” no one doubted

that the show's Guinevere had also be-
come the queen of Broadway musicals.
And although Audrey Hepburn was later
chosen to play Eliza Doolittle in the
movie version of “My Fair Lady,” An-
drews had the last laugh: In 1964, her
performance in “Mary Poppins” her
first movie, beat out Hepburn's for the
Academy Award as Best Actress. Two
other Andrews movies were released with-
in six months: “The Americanization of
Emily,” a strong, memorable antiwar
film and now something of an under-
ground classic; and “The Sound of
Music,” a sugary but magical musical
that, until the early Seventies, was the
biggest money-maker in motion picture
history. No screen neophyte has ever
racked up that kind of first year.
Edwards also hit it big in 1964
when he wrote and directed “The Pink
Panther” and “A Shot in the Dark,”

“There came a day when there
was such madness going on
that I turned to Blake and
said, ‘I want out! We have to
call a halt! I can't handle it! "

both of which starred the late Peter Sel-
lers. To borrow a word [тот the immor-
tally inept Inspector. Clouseau, before
Edwards “bimped” into Sellers, he'd al-
ready established himself as one of Hol-
lywood's brightest and most versatile
writer-directors. Born in 1922, Edwards
is the son of Jack McEdwards, an assistant
director at 20th Century Fox. Edwards
broke into movies as an actor when his
father helped him land a small role in a
1942 Fox production, “Ten Gentlemen
from West Point.” Fox promptly signed
him to a $150-a-week contract, and over
the next several years, he appeared in
almost two dozen movies. He was more
interested in writing, however, and be-
fore he was 30, he'd created the “Richard
Diamond” radio series for Dick Powell.
In the Fifties, Edwards went on to origi-
nate two of TV's more memorable pri-
vale eye series, “Peter Gunn” and “Mr.
Lucky," and by then, he'd also written а
number of В movies for Columbia. In
1955, he became hooked on directing, and
by 1959, he’d been the writer-director of
such films as “Mister Cory” and “This
Happy Feeling.” At that point, he was
hired to direct Cary Grant in “Operation
Petticoat,” a successful comedy that
proved he could handle top talent. Ed-
wards was suddenly a hot commodity.
After directing Audrey Hepburn in

PHOTOGRAPHY BY LARRY L. LOGAN

“Once, before I had met Julie,
some people were conjectur-
ing about her success. 1 said,
4 can tell you what it is. She
has lilacs for pubic hair.’ ”

7

PLAYBOY

78

“Breakfast at Tiffany's,” he threw Holly-
wood a curve by directing “Days of Wine
and Roses’ and “Experiment in Terror,”
after which he emerged front and
center with “The Pink Panther” and “A
Shot in the Dark.”

Thus, at the start of 1965, Edwards
found himself being asked to direct vir-
tually every film comedy about to be pro-
duced. At the same time, Andrews was in
the process of displacing Doris Day as
America’s favorite female star. Hollywood
was, indeed, theirs for the asking—but
not, as it turned out, for the taking. In
the next four years, Edwards and An-
drews encountered a string of separate
disasters that sliced their careers to rib-
bons. In spite of her having given a de-
cent dramatic account of herself in
“Hawaii,” Andrews appeared in three
turkeys: Torn Curtain,” “Thoroughly
Modern Millie" and "Star" Edwards
was also busy compiling a list of losers:
"The Great Race,” "What Did You
Do in the War, Daddy?," "Gunn" and
“The Party" ай dropped dead at the
box office.

In addition to suffering simultaneous
career setbacks, Andrews and Edwards
underwent personal reversals about
the same time. In 1968, Andrews’ nine-
year marriage to British set designer
Tony Walton ended in divorce, as did
Edwards’ 14-year marriage to former
actress Patricia Walker. Soon afterward,
Andrews and Edwards met, fell in love
and began working together on “Darling
Lili,” the most ambitious and expensive
movie musical ever produced by Para-
mount Pictures. A colossal dud, “Darling
Lili” almost bankrupted the studio.
Edwards didn't score another triumph
until “The Return of the Pink Panther”
in 1975; Andrews didn't re-establish her-
self until her 1981 appearance іп “8.О.В.”
“Pictor/Victoria,” last spring, was the
first movie triumph they'd shared in a
number of attempts that date back to the
end of the Sixties. For both of them,
it’s been a long and rocky road back
to the top.

To interview the couple, PLAYBOY
assigned Lawrence Lindermen to track them
down during а recent visit they made to
the West Coast. His report:

“Julie Andrews and Blake Edwards
left California ten years ago, but both
are now obliged 10 spend a few months
each year doing business in Hollywood.
On such occasions, they stay at a huge
Beverly Hills estate, and it was there that
I went to interview them.

“I met Edwards first and found him as
intense and tenacious as advertised. The
60-year-old film maker has the energy of
someone half his age. An animated man,
he has a thick shock of gray hair,
never goes anywhere without his pre-
scription sunglasses and is surprisingly
fit. When he was 19, he broke his neck
diving into the shallow end of a Beverly
Hills swimming pool; after he recuper-

ated, he became a body builder, and he
still works out daily.

“Andrews is as shy as her husband is
aggressive. Before the tape recorder went
on, she spent our first couple of meetings
quietly sizing me up and leiting Edwards
do most of the talking. When she finally
felt comfortable, she revealed herself
to be a perceptive, captivating woman
who possesses a robust sense of humor
and—no surprise—the sunniest of dis-
positions. She's also gentle, graceful
and very, very sensuous. Paul Newman
calls her ‘the last of the really great
broads, and Richard Burton said, ‘Every
man falls a little bit in love with Julie.’
Thind of liked her myself.

“In any event, when the three of us
sat down to begin the interview, I re-
membered hearing a story about how
Andrews and Edwards had first got to-
gether. It seemed like an appropriate
шау to get things rolling."

PLAYBOY: Since you're obviously that rare
thing—a happy show-business couple—
why don't we start by getting you to go
for each other's throats? Blake, didn't

"I thought it was quite
possible I'd play
governesses for the vest
of my life."

you once make a particularly scurrilous
remark about Julie's image—and wasn't
that the reason you two met?

ANDREWS: Which scurrilous line of Blake's
are you referring to? There are so many!
PLAYBOY: Something to do with violets?
ANDREWS: Wrong, all wrong. Lilacs!
You'd better get into that one, Blake.
EDWARDS: Well, it all started onc night
when I went to a party——

ANDREWS: Long before you knew me.
EDWARDS: Right. I hadn't met Julie yet,
and at this party, there was a discussion
about people who suddenly were cata-
pulted into stardom and the reasons for
it. When Julie's name was mentioned, I
said something that leveled the whole
room, and the next day, I got a call from
Joan Crawford, who hadn't been at the
party—and whom Га never met—telling
me it was the funniest line she'd ever
heard. People had been conjecturing on
and on about what made Julie success-
ful, and at just the right moment, I said,
"I can tell you exactly what it is. She has
lilacs for pubic hair.” After the laughter
subsided, Stan Kamen, an agent with
William Morris, said, "With your luck,
you'll wind up marrying her.” And with
my luck, I did!

ANDREWS: We started going together

about six weeks after that, when Blake
had just moved into a bachelor house.
EDWARDS: Yes, and she gave me a house-
warming present—incredibly enough, a
lilac plant.

ANDREWS: I had bought three beautiful
lilac bushes, you see, and I thought it
would be a lovely thing for Blake to
have, so I asked him if he'd like one for
his new house. He , “Aw, come on,
don't do that to me.” I asked him what
he meant, and he said, “Who put you up
to this? How did you find out?” I had по
idea what he was talking about. Still
disbelieving, Blake said, “Well, I may be
making a complete fool of myself, but
I'm going to tell you what happened.”
So he told me, and of course, 1 con-
curred; it's absolutely true.

EDWARDS: And now I get lilacs every
anniversary.

ANDREWS: In every way, shape and form,
don't you, Blake?

EDWARDS: Yes, dear.

PLAYBOY: It seems to us that Blake’s com-
ment succinctly summed up your public
image, Julie. Why do you think you've
always been perceived as prim, proper
and pristine?

ANDREWS: Probably because I played gov-
ernesses in Mary Poppins and The
Sound of Music. At that point, I thought
it was quite possible I'd play govern-
esses for the rest of my life. In fact, there
was a rumor that I was being considered
for The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie,
another sort of governess film. I put a
stop to that kind of talk as quickly as
possible. Fool that I was, it won Maggie
Smith an Academy Award.

PLAYBOY: But does that fully explain it?
Between those two movies, you did.
after all, play a World War Two Wren
who has a love affair with James Garner
in The Americanization of Emily.
ANDREWS: Yes, and it was a good and
different role. I played a young lady
who'd been married very briefly to a
guy who went off and was killed in the
war. After that, she slept around a lot,
because the death of her husband had
left her too frightened to commit to a
relationship for any length of time. I
wanted to do as many varied roles as
possible, and I thought that was a nice
beginning. But the fact is, one is always
best remembered for the role that has
been most successful, and those are the
roles that bracket you. I guess no matter
what you do, people will always think
of that; but there are advantages to it.
PLAYBOY: Such as?

ANDREWS: When you've had а tremen
dous hit, like The Sound of Music, you'd
be surprised how long it can carry you.
I mean, you can make several flops, but
people will remember only your most
successful film. For instance, when you
think of Clark Gable, what do you re-
member? Most people think of Gone
with the Wind—that was the film of his
career. If I meet people on the street

Succulent Spanish and Сигаба Oranges. Thats Hiram Walker Triple Secs appeal.
Straight Ир ог on the rocks, its love at first sip.
For a free recipe booklet, «е Hiram Walker Cordials, РО. Box 2235, Farmington Hills, Mich. 48018. © 1982

What a difference а name makes.
HIRAM WALKER

Marlboro
Menthol

Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health.

16 mg ‘tar,’ 1.1 mg nicotine av. per cigarette, by ЕТС method.

FINE
TOBACCOS

FILTER CIGARETTES |

| The big menthol taste
from Marlboro Country.
| You get a lot to like.

PLAYBOY

Webcor.

If we’re not number one
in telephones now,

we will be.

e tel ері
people. And youll be hearing a lot
more about us. Not just because

tel ies are our only business,

but because our telephones

and accessories are the best.

And the most advanced,
Want proof? Check out 4

our Zip phone model 757

with programmable — '

memories and more

(shown), It does

8 you'd want

a phone Ю do. Just like the 4

rest of our line, (including the latest in

cordless). The most complete in the industry.
For everything innovative in telephone styles спа!

features, get to know us first. We’re the one.

WERCOR: 21р m TELEPHONE PEOPLE.

Webccr Electronics Inc., 28 South Terminal Dr, Plainview, N.Y. 11803,
(516) 349-0600. Outside N.Y., Toll Free: (800) 645-7513.

А LICENSE TO STEAL

PLAYBOY AT 40% OFF

- For phone orders only, call TOLL-FREE anytime: =

800-228-3700

ұ (Except іп Nebraska, Alaska, Hawaii Y
In Nebraska only, са! 800-642-8788.) = 7

Treat yourself to PLAYBOY and save money, too! Dial our toll-free number to start

today, they still talk about The Sound of
Music. So a flop may be news at the
moment, but it doesn't have the endur-
ing quality of a hit.

PLAYBOY: Gable no doubt enjoyed being
thought of as Rhett Butler. Do you en-
joy having people think you still go
through the countryside singing the en
tire score of The Sound of Music?
ANDREWS: I almost dread telling you this
story, but they may not be completely
wrong. About five years ago, I decided to
get back into action, and 1 signed
to do a series of concerts that would
begin at the London Palladium—and
that's like going into the jaws of a lion,
because it's home. The truth is, singing
has never come easily to me. When I've
not sung for a while, my voice is like a
rusty engine—it really squeaks and
groans—and 1 have to practice and get
in good physical shape beginning six or
eight weeks ahead of time, almost like a
prize fighter. I once asked Streisand how
she does it, and she said, "Oh, shit, 1
never practice." She can just open her
mouth and sing any time she wants to,
but I can't.

The point of all this is that in order
to get ready for those concerts, I began
tearing around the Swiss Alps every day,
running up and down the hills near our
home. And once in a while, while taking
a breather, I'd test my progress by vocal-
izing. Well, one day I came over the
crest of a ging something from
The Sound of Music—and there before
me was a bunch of tourists, all staring at
me with startled looks on their faces. I
know they recognized me, and I'm sure
they thought that’s what I did all the
time—Maria von Trapp forever! I
haven't answered your question, have I?
PLAYBOY: Not quite.

ANDREWS: I thought not, but I will. Look,
I wouldn't begin to knock the kind of
success I had in The Sound of Music,
because I think the film gave a tremen-
dous amount of pleasure to an enormous
number of people. But, yes, after a
while, when you've done other things
you think are fairly worthy and people
mostly remember and love The Sound
of Music, you say, "Oh, God, I wish I
weren't so put in a box.”

PLAYBOY: Aside from the roles you've
played, is it possible that there's some-
thing about your personality that con-
vinces people you're nothing if not
sweet, sweet, sweel?

ANDREWS: Well, I think my Englishness
or something intimidates people. I re-
г that when I was doing my
п series in 1972, all the writers
ing in front of me discussing

your subscription now for 40% off the $37 annual single-copy cost. Get 12 issues
for just $22 — you save $15. You'll enjoy hours of entertainment: top fiction.
interviews, tips on modern living, beautiful women and more. Phone today. Or, to
order by mail, write: PLAYBOY, Dept. твото . P.O. Box 2523, Boulder, CO 80322

how they could help my image. Now.
there I was, doing а great musical hour
with a wonderful orchestra, and yet it
seemed I was still coming across a bit
icy and a bit too polite. The writers
told me they wanted to show people how

Oleg Cassini’ world.
A world of uncompromising elegance and style
expressed in these, the signature fragrances of Oleg Cassini.
His is dangerously masculine.
Hers is delicately floral.
And now, Cassini’ world is brought to you by Jovan.
So it doesnt have to cost you the world.

At fine stores-evefzwhere 1979, Jougrt, Inc., 875 Могу Michigan АУзпизионюаво 10515 60611

PLAYBOY

I really am, so I thought about it for a
second and said, “Well, I could ball the
band.” And there was this awful silence,
Nobody thought that was funny at all—
and I got so depressed about it, because
if they didn't get it, then sure as hell,
my show was absolutely doomed. Which
turned out to be the case.

PLAYBOY: Last year, іп S.O.B., Blake's
venomous send-up of the film business,
you portrayed an actress whose career as
America's G-rated sweetheart was mod-
eled very closely on your own. Did you
think that $.0.B.’s most-talked-about
moment—the scene in which you appear
topless—would finally shatter your
Goody Two-shocs reputation?

ANDREWS: Actually, I wondered if I
would get a lot of hate mail from ardent
fans who'd want to know how I could do
such a thing. In fact, the reaction was
exactly opposite. Ladies would come up
Congratulations!

to me and say, and
"Right on!”

PLAYBOY: How did you feel about doing
that scene?

ANDREWS: Well, Blake had written the
movie with me in mind a long time
before he could get it made, so I think
I probably had about eight ycars to pre-
pare for that moment. I did have some
fears and trepidations, but after a while,
I just decided to go with it. God knows
it was done in fun and with such good
taste, and I also knew that if it didn't

work, Blake probably wouldn't use it. I
knew I was safe with Blake. After that,
my only worry was that I couldn't bring
it off, so I added a few press-ups to my
regimen every day, because if I were
going to do it, I might as well make it
look good.

EDWARDS: She did make it look good:
After S. O. B. was released, newspapers in
England began running stories saying
that Julie had had a boob job.

PLAYBOY: Did you have any qualms about
asking your wife to appear topless in
5.0.B.?

EDWARDs: Maybe initially I did, but I
thought, Hey, that's what I want her
character to do, so Julie had to make the
adjustment. Beyond that, 1 think her
work in S. O. B. and in Victor/Victoria
will at least change that governess image
we've been talking about. I think that
from now on, Julie will be more accepted.
as an actress, period. But I don't think
she'll ever avoid hiding that quality of
sweetness. I mean, if she plays a murder-
ess, she'll be a sweet one.

PLAYBOY: If we can return to love and
lilacs for a moment, how soon after you
met did you decide to work together?
EDWARDS: That's how we met. We'd seen
cach other socially at a few parties and
had had a couple of brief conversa-
tions-
ANDREWS: But we were both involved
with other people. I don't think either of

us thought anything about the other at
the time.

EDWARDS: Are you sure about that? You
told me that when you saw me at a
party, you thought I was terribly attrac-
tive.

ANDREWS: Well, you were! Are! Were!
EDWARDS: It was very surface. The real
meeting and kind of getting 10 know
each other and being turned on to each
other, I guess, was when I went to see
Julie about doing Darling Lili

PLAYBOY: Were both of you married at
the time?
ANDREWS:
both
EDWARDS: Bleeding from a lot of wounds.
ANDREWS: And both feeling that we
didn't want to get involved with апу
body else. That was the last thing I was
going to do, but suddenly this very
attractive man walked into my house
and pitched an idea to me, and I re
sponded, and that's how Darling Lilt
came about.

EDWARDS: I've always wondered: Did you
respond to the idea or to a very attrac
tive man?

ANDREWS: I'll never tell.

PLAYBOY: If we could just interrupt here:
Blake, you went on to direct Julie in
five movies, including “10,” 8.О.В. and
Victor / Victoria. Aside from the fact that
she's your wife, why do you keep work-
ing with her?

We were both separated,

RUMEROSE'S

Rum glows with flavor
in the limelight.

4 parts White Puerto Rican Rum,

1 part Roses:

Roses Lime Juice*

“Тһе Famous Gimlet Maker.

Born to be wo

rn.

с

Evenbeföre it's wom, there's a certain unmistakable
feel built into every Amity billfold. Our expert
P craftsmen choose the finest, softest leather. We use

nylon thread for flexibility and strength. And, our.
sliding stay construction makes each billfold
slimmer allowing it to move as you do. Its only
natural. With beginnings like these, you'll always

wear one comfortably. Featured,
TRI-FOLD Billfold®.

od M IT Y

Feel the difference.

EDWARDS: I just think she's enormously
talented, much beyond the talent she per-
ceives in herself. Julie's one of the
better actresses in the business, and she
has a wonderful instinct for what's
appropriate, what's correct. But I don't
think she's even come close to her poten-
tial yet. And I don't mean just dramati
cally; she has a wonderful comedic
quality that hasn't been fully tapped,
either. Dramatically, nobody's really ex-
plored what she can do. There were
some moments that came close during
her birth scene in Hawaii, for instance,
but I have a feeling that as Julie gets a
little older and starts getting into more
character roles, her dramatic potential
will be realized.

PLAYBOY: Do you agree, Julie?

ANDREWS: I'm just sitting here listening
to the boss.

EDWARDS: I can answer that: No, she does
not agree. I mean, Victor Victoria is the
best thing she's done for me, and as far
as Julie is concerned, it's the film she's
most confused by and least satisfied with.
Julie really doesn't have a clear picture
of not only what she did but how she
did it. At this point, it's an enigma to
her. The only thing that gives her some
perspective on it is the number of people
she trusts who say she was sensational in
the movie.

PLAYBOY: Is that true, Julie?

ANDREWS: Well, it never occurred to me,

but now that Blake mentions it, I guess
it is. That seems to be a pattern in my
life: Something happens, and then 1 get
time to reflect on it and put it into some
kind of perspective. 1 know that so many
people do seem to like Victor/ Victoria,
yet 1 know how insecure I felt on the
film. Blake very lovingly just said some
nice things, and I think I'll try to weigh
and sift them and look at the film a
couple of times, and maybe with time
and distance, I will get some perspective
on it.

PLAYBOY: Blake also said that Victor/
Victoria was your least satisfying movie
performance. Why?

ANDREWS: Probably because it was a very
difficult, multifaceted role. I mean, I'd
sometimes be playing a woman trying to
pretend to be a man, then sometimes
play a man with a woman's feclings and
Sometimes just be straight on. There
were so many things to work out. As
someone who likes to be in control, I
felt wobbly. There was something else,
100: When you get older, you kind of
get on to yourself. You know the tricks
you play to get by, and you like them
less and less if you care about your work.
I was trying hard to get away from them
and was sometimes falling back, and so I
wasn't as pleased as I'd like to have been
with my performance. Not that Blake
didn't help me enormously and bring
out something good; he did. But looking

back on it now, I wish I'd had more
time, done fewer tricks and said lines
differently. As Blake told me, though, it's
done, and let's put it to bed now.
PLAYBOY: Isn't that the nature of movie
acting?

ANDREWS: I'm sure it is——

EDWARDS: But she can't make peace with
that, either. [Andrews laughs and be-
gins nervously wringing her hands] I
have never seen anything I've done that
I wouldn't like to go back and do again.
I'm quite sure that if I were given that
opportunity on a movic, it might be a
little better in spots, but the same kind
of thing would happen again, because
you can always find things you want to
change.

PLAYBOY: Since we're on the subject,
Victor] Victoria was ostensibly a farce in
which a starving opera singer in Paris
disguises herself as a man in order to
work as a female impersonator at a gay
night club. Beneath the comedy, how-
ever, it scemed to us that you were con-
stantly forcing audiences to examine
their feelings about homosexuality. Were
you perhaps confronting your own sex-
uality as well, Blake?

EDWARDS: Yeah, in some sense; sure I was.
I think everybody goes through that; I
don't know anyone who hasn't. Many
years ago, when I began analysis, the
first thing 1 contended with was my own
great fear of being a homosexual. That

85

PLAYBOY

86

sort of thing is operative in everybody.
It's latent and it’s there, to one degree
or another, so why not deal with it? I
mean, what's so terrible? You are what
you are, and if it frightens you, deal
with it.

PLAYBOY: Do you think that people
who've seen that film һауе drawn certain
inferences about you?

EDWARDS: Possibly.

ANDREWS: Oh, I don't think so.

EDWARDS: Oh, 1 do. I don't think the
inferences have been drawn openly as
yet, but if it happens, I won't be sur-
prised, because homosexuality was also
one of the themes I used in “10.” In that
movie, I took my first step, einematically,
in dealing with the homosexual problem,
and I did it in a very minor way with
the Robert Webber character. In the
background of this wonderfully funny,
any movie, you see a homosexual song-
writer in torment because he is fighting
with his young boylriend, and later on,
while talking to Dudley Moore, he
breaks down on the phone. I was testing
the water a little, and I made the song-
writer a kind of macho combat-Marine
character so that I could get away from
stereotypes, and it was very acceptable.
In Victor] Victoria, 1 took a broader step.
ANDREWS: Each of those movies—and
5.0.В. as well—deals with very serious
subjects but always in comedic terms.
“10” is about middle-age menopause, yet
it's done so humorously, I don't even
know if the public is aware of it. S. OB.
is a rather scathing look at the movie
business, but it is handled in a lunny
way, as is true of Victor Victoria. Blake’
premise in these is to do it comically, so
it doesn’t hit you right in the fa
EDWARDS: | don't know about that. 1
think a lot of my comedy can be com-
pared to blind siding, which is a lootball
term: A quarterback will be looking to
throw a pass downfield when all of a
sudden, hell get nailed by a tackler he
hasn't seen, Suddenly, he's wiped out,
and 1 think thats my job—to sort of
blind-side people in order to shake them
up and make them think. 1 prefer to do
it in the comedic arena, because it makes
it more palatable and casier to digest.
When you deliver a message very heavily,
it becomes preachy and too many people
just lock up. I much prefer to deliver a
sermon through laughter.

PLAYBOY: Alter doing “10” and Victor/
Victoria, were you at all worried that
people would start whispering that Blake
Edwards was coming out of the closet?
EDWARDS: No, I'm too analytically trained
to let that hang me up. I don't really
remember what my fears or fantasies
were when I started analysis, but they
were scary, and I thought, Oh, my God,
Im a fag. And little by little, I found
out that I was a very normal human

being who might have had some homo-
sexual fantasies and who had had what
would be considered—and 1 hesitate to
use the term—homosexual childhood
adventures. They were perfectly normal
explorations that we all do with other
kids, but a lot of people won't even
admit that. Anyway, within a couple of
months’ time, I realized quite honestly—
and with great relief—that I was not a
homosexual. Not because I couldn't have
dealt with it but because I preferred not
10 be a homosexual in this country,
particularly then, when they were so
discriminated against and when they
were all in the closet, so to speak. Any-
way, after finding out I was very hetero-
sexual, I said, “Terrific!” And I went
on with my life. L wasn't even con-
sciously aware of all those fears before
my first months of analysis, but that kind
ol thing floats right to the surface.

ANDREWS: It did with me,
discover that almost everybody has the
same sort of feelings, and the relief you
get is one of the joys of analysi
PLAYBOY: In preparing for this interview,
we were surprised to find how much

“Blake is married to
a lady by the name of
The Поп Butterfly.”

sexual gossip there is about both of you.
You've undoubtedly heard it; why do you
think the rumors exist?

EDWARDS: I think we can credit them to
a miserable newspaperwoman—I won't
dignity her by mentioning her name—
who, shortly after Julie and I met, wrote
something implying that Rock Hudson,
Julie and I were a sexual threesome. She
also implied that Rock and I had spent
a lot of time together in San Francisco
leather bars. We were shooting Darling
Lili then, and I walked up to Rock and
repeated the story to him, and I loved
his response: “How in the hell did she
find ош so quick?”

ANDREWS: Also, you know, Blake is
married to а lady by the name of The
Iron Butterfly. The Nun with a Switch-
blade.

EDWARDS: I can only tell you that nothing
could be further from the truth. And
now I've become a champion of the
homosexual cause, and it's true—and it's
because I sit in group therapy and watch
tortured intellectuals who've struggled
all their lives with their homosexuality.
When I hear the things that come out of
these people and when I see what pious
dergymen and fearful heterosexuals
pose on them, I do want to speak out on
their behalf. Having said that, 1 also

want to say I don't champion homo-
sexuals any more than I champion blacks
or any other discriminated-against mi-
nority.

ANDREWS: "There's all forms of bigotry to
deal with, and I think what Blake's
been talking about is just part of a vast
tapestry that you're seeing. Blake just
hasn't done it all yet.

EDWARDS: I love it anyway, because il
people are sniping about our sexuality,
it’s the very proof of what I say: They're
so fearful of their own sexuality that
they have to snipe at others. I may in
the past have sniped at other people
because of such things as color or race;
I don't know. But I've never sniped at
anyone in terms of sexuality

PLAYBOY. Well, you weren't exactly
throwing bouquets in $.0.B. when you
depicted a Hollywood agent as a lesbian
and the head of a studio as a transvestite.
But at least you didn't spare yoursel
The protagonist was a crazed film direc-
tor dealing with an enormous flop—not
unlike your own Darling Lili. Paramount
Pictures lost nearly $20,000,000 on the
1970 release and afterward blamed you
for running up the budget extravagantly-
Was that the truth?

EDWARDS: Of course it wasn't; I'm not a
stupid moviemaker. When we were ready
to film Darling Lili, 1 was certainly
production-wise enough to know it was
impractical to consider a lengthy ex-
terior shoot in Ireland. It's not just that
there isn't much sunshine there; you can
shoot a movie in consistent bad weather,
but you can't count on that in Ireland,
either. There are days when either it's
pissing rain or you get intermittent sun;
for the most part, Ircland's just a bad
place to shoot a movie. I investigated
that immediately and wanted to shoot
the aircraft sequences in South Carolina,
which can be made to look like Gert
or French countryside; but Par:
stuck to its decision to shoot in Ireland,
so off we went. Well, the second unit ran
millions oi dollars over budget just
waiting to get clear air shots there. After
that, І was under constant money pres-
sure from the studio, but that wasn't
nearly as hard to take as the rest of the
stuff they did to me.

PLAYBOY: What was the problem?
EDWARDS: People who were at Paramount
at that time would say things to me and
then deny they'd said them, and after a
while, I began to doubt my own sanity.
It got so serious that 1 finally decided
Га never take a call from them or have
a conversation of importance without
recording it for my own benefit.

PLAYBOY: Did you record everything?
EDWARDS: Oh, yes; I certainly did. One
time, the stud Paris representative
hired some French director
charge of our second unit and told me
Га authorized him to do that the night

to be in

4 How .

о you enjo
aum prom
when уои run out
of coffee beans?

White Cloud
1 oz. Sambuca Romana
Club soda
Pour overice
intall glass.

Con Mosca
102. Sambuca Romana
3 roasted coffee beans
Float coffee beans on top.

PALLINI Liguori E. p. A, ROMA

Romana

Caffe
1 oz. Sambuca Romana

‘cup hot coffee

Top with sweetened
whipped cream.
Dust with grated

nutmeg.

Chocolate Chip
Sambuca
1 oz. Sambuca Romana
% cup chocolate chip dns a
icecream 2 rini
Blend and serve or Sambuca is Con Mosca
freeze until serving. pon you оц a ў
5 f these other drinks.
Reunion (for 2) перон у
oz. Sambuca Romana ae write for our See
SE I 0 l Seni uca Pamira recipe boo
Au Я à ambuca Romana
‘hoz. Sambuca Romana eee a
суша: % cup crushed ісе
ТЕДІ din. Mix ingredients іп blender
8 ounce goblet until almost smooth.

pee

Imported by Palmer & Lord, Ltd. Syosett, N.Y. 11791.

87

PLAYBOY

before. Well, I'd taped that conversation,
and we'd never said a word about it.
Another time, when we couldn't find an
inn for some exterior shots and were
running into bad weather again, I told
Paramount to bring me home because I
could save some money by building the
goddamned thing in the studio. It took
me forever to finally convince them, and
in the meantime, we just sat in Paris.
Well, I started thinking that maybe
Charles Bluhdorn—the head of Gulf 4-
Western, which had just bought Para-
mount—was getting bad information. I
told him that when I had a dinner with
him in Paris, and he said. There's only
one thing that’s important: If this film
is a success, you're a hero. If it isn’t,
you're finished." That was his answer—
I've got it on tape.

PLAYBOY: Undoubtedly. Did you go to
that dinner with a tape recorder under
your shirt?

EDWARDS: No, a friend of mine who was
a hamradio operator set up a whole
taping operation іп another room.
Bluhdorn and I were in my hotel room,
and when my friend turned оп his
equipment, it sucked up so much juice
that while I was talking to Charlie, all
the lights in the hotel went dim, as if
somebody were being electrocuted. I
knew what had happened, and it was
all I could do to keep from cracking up.
PLAYBOY: It really sounds as if you'd al-

ready cracked up. Were you a little crazy
at that point?

EDWARDS: I absolutely felt that I was—it
got so bad that I became totally para
noid. Julie thought I was going a little
crazy, too.

PLAYBOY: Considering Blake's behavior,
did you think that with him was
going to be filled with those kinds of
crises?

ANDREWS: I don't know what I thought,
except that our life was rather crazy at
that time. We had Blake's two kids and
my kid, and we were trying to begin a
relationship while also traveling and
filming. I obviously realized what was
happening to Blake and empathized,
because 1 saw many instances of things
that were stupid and unfair. For exam.
ple, Blake had wanted a couple of musi
cal numbers in the film to show that Lili
was an entertainer; that gave Paramount
the notion to make the film into a big,
big musical.

EDWARDS: And because we'd spent so
much money on those second units, the
studio decided to leave in as much of the
aerial footage as possible, just to show
the money that was spent. So stupid!
That film was a product of people's tak
ing over a motion-picture company with
out having any credentials at all. By that,
I mean Charlie Bluhdorn's giving direc
tives and Bob Evans’, who'd hardly made
a movie before, being head of the studio.

PLAYBOY: Did you feel an extra responsi
bility for suckering Julie into the pic
ture?

EDWARDS: Sure, I felt very responsible.
ANDREWS: That part of it didn't bother
me at all. It was sad and unfortunate
that the movie wasn’t successful, but in
answer to your earlier question, what was
going on with me was much more per-
sonal. It was much more about Blake
and me and the kids and how we were
going to conduct our lives from then on.
Before Darling Lili began filming, Blake
and I had been maintaining separate
houses, and then, on location, our fami
lies kind of moved together as a group.
We obviously lived together wherever we
went, and in spite of all the problems,
we had quite a wonderful time in some
ways. In Ireland, we spent the summer
living in a grand country house that was
simply glorious, especially for the kids,
for it had all the duckies and piggies
and horsies of childhood fantasies. The
grounds were magnificent, the stables
had wonderful horses and it was just a
joy. When we came back to California, it
would have been too painful and quite
ridiculous to go back to our separate
houses, so almost without saying too
much about it, we just moved in together
and kind of pooled our lives and our
children.

PLAYBOY: After Darling Lili, Julie, you
didn't appear in another movie for four

years. Was that because producers didn’t
want to take a chance on you after that
fiasco, or did you decide to drop out for
a while?

ANDREWS: It was probably both. I think
Blake still feels responsible for cooling
off my career, but before Darling Lilt,
I'd made a film called Star!, about the
life of Gertrude Lawrence, and that had
been a huge failure. So it wasn't just
Blake Edwards sending my career slight
ly downhill: Star! had already contrib-
uted mightily to that, and Darling Lili
merely compounded it. That was just
before Easy Rider became a hit; little
pictures became the thing to do and
big-budget musicals were out. I did get
some offers, but because of my rela-
tionship with Blake and because of the
family, going off on location and being
away for a long time seemed very silly
Га just gotten married, and instead of
my having only my daughter, there
were now three children to be looked
after. For me, it was a period of very
hard work, though not necessarily in the
movie industry. I made a very conscious
decision to help us get organized as a
family.

PLAYBOY: Would you say you're less
career oriented than most well-known
actresses?

ANDREWS: Oh, I don’t think that’s true. I
am probably very career oriented. [Ed-
wards shakes his head по)

PLAYBOY: Your husband doesn’t agree
with you.

ANDREWS: Doesn’t he?

EDWARDS: It’s very important to Julie,
but I don't think she's obsessive about
it, unlike most of the actresses we know.
There are more important things to her.
ANDREWS: Well, if you have a good thing
going—like a happy marriage—and
you're busy working at it and getting
your kids settled and all that, it’s foolish
to go off and do a movie or spend a year
on Broadway and ask the whole family
to displace themselves.

EDWARDS: There's your answer. Shows
you how career oriented she is.

PLAYBOY: How career oriented are you?
EDWARDS: Not working would drive me
crazy, but that's my own problem. I
don't think I could ever have been
happy as an actor, because if I'm not
working, I'm unhappy; it's that simple.
I guess a director can be in the same
position if he decides not to work until
he finds the right script. That would
drive me crazy, too, because I have to
keep going. The lucky part for me is
that I can sit down and write, so I've
always got something to turn to.

PLAYBOY: Although your wife backed off
after Darling Lili, you immediately wrote
and directed two more box-office turkeys,
Wild Rovers and The Carey Treatment.
By the time they were released, Julie
wasn't the only member of the family

with an image problem: You were said
to be hooked on what Time has since
called your "careerlong addiction to
anger." Why all the fury?

EDWARDS: Because, once again, my best
efforts were destroyed by a man without
credentials. Га survived what was done
to Darling Lili, but what happened to
Wild Rovers really broke my heart,
because that was the first time I began
wanting to say something in the same
way that “10.” S.O.B. and Victor/Vic-
toria would all become personal state-
ments Up until then, if somebody
wanted a TV show about a slick private
eye, I'd sit down and come up with а
Peter Gunn or a Mr. Lucky. And if
somebody wanted a movie director whose
work had a certain gloss and sophistica-
tion, he'd get me to do films such as
Breakfast at Tiffamy's and Operation
Petticoat. I'd never consciously tried to
do or say anything different until I
wrote this tragedy about two cowboys
who stick up a bank and are eventually
hunted down and shot to death. William
Holden and Ryan O'Neal played those
roles, and we went out and made a very
fine movie—and then James Aubrey,
who'd just become head of MGM, per-
sonally destroyed it. Aubrey took about
a two-and-a-half-hour film and cut out
something like 40 minutes by changing
the ending and a lot of the relationships.
The sad part of the whole thing was that

IF YOU EVER WANTED

TO RIDE THE ALLAGASH,
YOU"RE A NATURAL
BACKWOODS MAN.

The white water of Maine's

Allagash river looks wild. And so is
the ride you get. But Backwoods Smokes
are different. They look wild. But taste mild.
All natural tobacco is the reason.
Апа Backwoods gives you a genuine
Broadleaf wrapper aged a year ta bring out
its natural sweetness
Backwoods Smokes. For the man who
likes things wild and mild.

ALL NATURAL TOBACCO.

HOW CAN ANYTHING
THAT LOOKS SO WILD
TASTE SO MILD?

PLAYBOY

90

we all enjoyed making it, and I'd become
convinced that I was back on the road to
having autonomy on my films and to
making good money again. The only
people who've ever seen my version of
Wild Rovers are students in Arthur
Knight's class at USC. Arthur thought it
was the best thing I'd ever written.
PLAYBOY: If Aubrey was so highhanded,
why did you immediately direct another
film for him?

EDWARDS: I was suckered into it, which
wasn't hard for him to do, because at
that point, I was back with the animals—
I was really sick. I was despondent, de-
pressed and desperate to prove myself,
to succeed. Right after Wild Rovers,
Aubrey called me into his office and told
me he hated a screenplay ГА written
and refused to pay me the last monies
due on it, I said, “ГИ tell you what ГИ
do: You don't have to pay me, but give
me the script back," which he did. It
wasn't such a brilliant move on Aubrey's
part: The screenplay was eventually
called “10.”

PLAYBOY: It seems to us that you оме him
а debt of gratitude.

EDWARDS: Maybe I do now, but I didn't
feel that way then. Aubrey, who can be
very charming when he wants to be,
then took advantage of my insecurity.
He said, "Look, I might have been
wrong about Wild Rovers, and I want to
make it up to you. We have a property
here by Michael Crichton called The
Carey Treatment, and it's the kind of
thing you do better than anybody else.
We have to start shooting it immediate-
ly, and I'd like you to direct it." Well, I
read the screenplay and said I'd do it
only if J could make certain changes.
Aubrey agreed, I started. shooting The
Carey Treatment—and then he simply
reneged. It was an experience I'd rather
really not even talk about. I have never
seen The Carey Treatment. 1 found out
Aubrey was cutting the movie even be-
fore I finished shooting it. In spite of
that, I was determined that if there were
one thing I did, I'd complete the film,
and I did. That was it for me: I decided
I wasn't going to direct anymore. By
then, I was afraid I was going crazy and
trying desperately not to.

PLAYBOY: Did you ever worry that Blake
might go crazy, Julie?

ANDREWS: Yep, a couple of times, Thank
God, he pulled out of it. He was ex-
plosive and deeply depressed, and at one
point, I think he was virtually suicidal.
He was so angry, and suicide is mostly
anger, anyway, it seems. The people in
charge of The Carey Treatment were
really ill, and their sickness reflected
self all over the place and Blake got
caught in the middle of it—and it just
brewed up into a whole pot of madness.
EDWARDS: But as bad as I felt, my anger
kept me alive. Bill Holden, whom we

miss so much, once told me an old
Chinese saying—I think its Chinese—
that if you sit by the river long enou
you'll see the bodies of all your enemies
float by. 1 lived for that for a long time.
I knew I was getting healthy again only
after I began to consider that there was
probably someone downstream waiting
for me to float by!

ANDREWS: Wasn't that when we соп-
ducted our grand and glorious experi-
ment? [Edwards nods] Right after The
Carey Treatment, Blake stayed home to
write and I started my TV sei We
reversed roles, and the results were hilar-
iously funny and revealing to both of us.
PLAYBOY: Why did you do the TV series?
Were you eager to start performing
again?

ANDREWS: I suppose I was. I never really
thought I'd retired, and whenever I sa
something great, I'd become a little env
ous and would wish I'd been part of it—
you always feel that way when you see
something good. Meanwhile, for about
two years, I'd been asked ой and on to
do a television series, and I'd always
pushed it away and pushed it away.
Finally, Blake and I discussed it and he
said, "Look, all I'd like to do for a while
is write. You do the series and ГИ stay
home and take care of the kids and run
the house. It's about time you got back
in the harness again." The children were
now a little older, the. family was run-
ning smoothly and all indications were
that it would work out.

EDWARDS: We also had to face the fact
that Lord Grade—he was Sir Lew Grade
then—had made an offer that was very
difficult to refuse. If it had just been a
ТУ series, Julie wouldn't have done it,
but there were films involved, too.
ANDREWS: That really did make it hard to
turn down, and, as I've already said,
there wasn't that much on the horizon
in terms of films for me. So I went to
work every day, and Blake stayed home
and took care of the family, and we both
gained amazing insights into each other's
lives. I'd come back from the show
bushed and exhausted, and Blake would
want to tell me what the kids had done,
and Га say, "Listen, I've had a rough
day—I don't want to hear about the
kids." The other side of it was that I
got wildly anxious about being a mother
only on weekends. Га remind Blake that
the kids had to go to the dentist, and
he'd tell me, "Relax, it's all taken care
of.” I began feeling that he'd replaced
me and that the thing ҒА been doing for
the last couple of years was no longer
valid; I was just someone who went to
work. It's amazing how much a woman
feels she's sort of the mainstay of the
family situation.
PLAYBOY: What
househusband, Blake?

EDWARDS: Profound respect for mother-

you discover as a

hood and а woman’s place in the home—
and in the beginning, I hated it. I felt
emasculated and alienated, but after a
while, I became objective about the si
tion and saw what women have gone
through for centuries and how unfair a
lot of it is.

ANDREWS: I must say, the house has never
been better run.

EDWARDS: Ycah, but that's like а man's
doing some cooking at home—he can do
a great job because he knows it isn't
something he's got to do every night. If
he wants to cook, terrific; it can be a
great escape as long as it doesn't become
drudgery. You сап be very creative if you
know that sooner or later, that job is
going to end. So 1 was a terrific head of
the family.
ANDREWS: And / have never been so
happy as when we got back into the
regular run of things. Like Blake, I felt
alienated, and ГА also miscalculated
about the work. When I accepted the
contract, I thought my life would be 60
percent work and 40 percent pleasure-
and-play time that 1 could contribute to
the family. Once 1 began the show, it
took up 98 percent of my time.

PLAYBOY: After ABC didn't renew The
Julie Andrews Hour, you left Holly-
wood—permanently, as it's turned out—
and moved to England. Whose decision
was it to pack up and leave?

EDWARDS: That isn't really what hap-
pened. A lot of people characterize our
leaving Hollywood and going to London
as running away from this town, and it's
not true at all. Julies contract with
Grade called for her to do her TV show
here for a y and after that, it called
for a certain number of TV shows and
films to be done in London, which is
where his business is. We went there so
she could comply with that contract. As
far as I was concerned, of course, getting
away from Hollywood was the best thing
that could possibly happen. The only
bad part for me was leaving my analyst;
I knew that if I didn't get myself to-
gether, I might have to come back. I was
still like a diabetic who needed his
insulin every day.

PLAYBOY: After you got to London, how
long did it take before you pulled out of
this championship depression?

EDWARDS: It took a while, but I started
feeling better as soon as we got there. 1
directed a couple of Julie’s TV shows,
wrote some and had a great time doing
it. It was a good change of pace for me.
PLAYBOY: Soon after you arrived there,
you directed Julie and Omar Sharif in
The Tamarind Seed, а spy drama. Why
that film?

ANDREWS: Can 1 answer that for you,
Blake? I think it was because it was there.
EDWARDS: The Tamarind Seed was one оГ
the things Grade wanted Julie to do, and
when she signed her contract, I think it
was naturally assumed that Ға direct

The difference has always been easy to see.
Intellivision has brilliant graphics, lifelike figures and realistic gameplay.
Intellivision has the hand controller with 16 positions. The Atari’ VCS has
a joy stick with only half as many.

The Intellivision system is expandable.

But now, the difference is even more obvious. In case you haven't heard,
Intellivision actually talks.

Its true. Just attach the new IntelliVoice voice synthesis module. Plug in
any one of our new talking cartridges. Then, concentrate on the visual action.
While IntelliVoice gives you up-to-the second verbal status reports.
Feedback. And instructions which are essential to your game strategy.

Voice is just one innovation, though.

If you like arcade maze games, you'll love new Loc N Chase: And wait
until you see Night Stalker; with its relentless one-eyed robot.

Of course, your dealer can show you the difference between Intellivision
and Atari. For your nearest dealer, call toll free 1 (800) 323-1715. In Illinois,

1(800) 942-8881. Or shut your eyes, MATTEL ELECTRONICS

and let Intellivision speak for itself. | NLELLIVISION

“Ataris a tradem

«ме

tne. 1982, Au гима served Loch W Chase and Night Stalker gar
'k used ш m DataEas үз —

AEN Davies

Everyone will enjoy a toast of “Turkey” for the Holiday
celebrations. At 101 Proof, Wild Turkey” is recognized as
America’s finest native whiskey. You'll find it dressed for
the season in the colorful “Turkey in the Snow” gift carton.

Now you сап serve “Turkey”
after dinner too—Wild Turkey HN .
HUS emne only ai gi the | WILD WIL)
world's great liqueurs ШТ
is made іп America / АЛАКА ИШ
And Wild Turkey Liqueur (== >
is elegantly packaged for 52
Holiday pitt giving 80 Proof. | 7 |

ica's finest whiskey in
в world’s finest crystal by
Baccarat. This decanter
masterpiece—which contains
101-Proof Wild Turkey—
comes in а Captains Chest
of hand-hewn wood with a
hand-rubbed finish. Inspired
by Early American decanters, *
its atrue heirloom. About $250*
"Suggested retail price. Price may vary by state.
А great before-dinner treat for those who prefer America’s finest
whiskey at а lower proof: 86.8-Proof Wild Turkey. its also
packaged ready for giving, in a striking new Holiday carton.

New “Fighting Bird" Ceramic Decanter. This limited-edition Wild Turkey
decanter is a Collector's masterpiece. It's an ideal gift, filled with 101-Proof

Wild Turkey. (Join the Wild Turkey Collector's Society. Write to Austin, Wild Turkey “127 the first and only 12-year-old Wild Turkey
Nichols & Co., Lawrenceburg, Ky. 40342.) Miniature Ceramic Decanters* ever made. It is drewn from а small batch of Wild Turkey
"Mini-versions" of famous Wild Turkey collector's decanters—each contain- 101-Proof whiskey set aside by our Master Distiller. This

ing 50ml. of 101-Proof Wild Turkey. Individually gift-boxed.Avaieble where legal unique and rare gift comes in a wooden presentation box.

PLAYBOY

it. It was a job, and I was delighted to
have it.

PLAYBOY: Were you delighted with the
results?

ANDREWS: 7 was. It's a good film, and I
think it was one of the best editing jobs
Blake's ever done. The Tamarind Seed
was a very intricate, complicated cobweb
of intrigue, and it took a lot of planning.
It was a picture that demanded the
audience to think: they couldn't just sit
back and let it wash over them.

EDWARDS: I was disappointed not with
the movie but with the way it was
advertised and distributed. I wasn't
angry about it, though. Lew had been

running a television organization and
was unfamiliar with the motion-picture
business, and he let other people handle
it and preferred not to listen to me. It
was his prerogative; he put the money
up. And at that time, I wasn't terribly
successful, and I don't think he ha
great deal of confidence in me. A:
from that, I felt much better and health-
ier about things after making that movie.
PLAYBOY: When it was released, The
Tamarind Seed turned out to be still
another box-office blot on your careers.
Was that the reason you didn't make
another film for five years, Julie?

ANDREWS: No, and I didn’t intend to

COLOGNE

Cambridge. The gentleman's fragrance
with a crisp English accent.

Enjoy the refreshingly crisp scent of Cambridge in all of these
gentlemen'srequisites: Cologne, After Shave, Deodorant Stick, Corded Shower Soap.
After Shave for Sensitive Skin, Come to Cambridge.
мем COMPANY INC. моктн МЈ 07847

take another sabbatical at that time. We
were, in fact, planning to do a movie
called Rachel, which was going to be a
remake of Rachel and the Stranger, a
lovely late-Forties film that had starred
Loretta Young. We were then living in
a house in London that had six floors.
We had a complete production office in
the basement; we had secretaries, chauf-
feurs, maids and cooks—and 1 very dis-
tinctly remember there came a day when
there was such madness going on that 1
turned to Blake and said, “I want out!
We have to call a Лай to this! I can't
handle it!” There was too much pressure,
too much going on for me. We had al-
ready bought a house in Switzerland, but
we hadn't really decided where our base
would be, and I suggested that for my
sake we make it Switzerland. Rather un-
willingly, Blake agreed, probably because
I'd had one of my few moments of great
hysteria.

PLAYBOY: It's nice to hear you're capable
of that, Julie, because until the time you
left the U.S., you always maintained that
you'd never really lost your temper.
ANDREWS: [Laughs] Bullshit.

EDWARDS: She said she’s never lost her
temper?

ANDREWS: Well, maybe I hadn't then; I
certainly have since.

EDWARDS: Maybe she really hasn’t lost it,
because I have yet to see it. Hmmm; I
can think of a couple of cases, but Julie
doesn't usually lose her temper. She's the
most amazing person that way. Un-
like me.

ANDREWS: [Teasing him] Makes you sick,
doesn’t it, darling?

EDWARDS: [Defensively] No, it doesn’t
make me sick, it makes ше... I'm in
awe of. .

ANDREWS: I guess you do enough for both
of us, sweetheart.

EDWARDS: Well, that's possible, but 1
have certainly encouraged you to show
your feclings more.

ANDREWS: Yeah, he has.

EDWARDS: I've seen her go a couple of
times. It's very educational.

PLAYBOY: Is she in your league?

EDWARDS: In my league? Very ſe people
are in my league. Rasputin, Hitler—they
were in my league.

ANDREWS: I'm glad he said that.

PLAYBOY: The stories about your temper,
then, aren't exaggerated?

EDWARDS: Oh, l'm very explosive and
intimidating; just ask my kids. And I
struggle against it.
PLAYBOY: Does Julie act as a buffer to
keep you from blowing up?

EDWARDS: More like a governor.

PLAYBOY: Governor, governess—Julie
really can’t get away from being Mary
Poppins.

EDWARDS: No, no, not in that sense of
the word. I mean it in the mechanical
sense, the way you'd put a governor on
an automobile enginc. If you live with

4

$

Wo Bose? 301™ Direct/

Reflecting® speakers create a
sound pattern that is larger than
the room itself, almost as if you
were listening to 4 separate
Speakers. That's because the
Bose 301 speaker is specifically
designed to reflect much of the
sound you hear off the walls of
your room. And the Direct
Energy Control allows you to
tailor this reflected sound pattern
to your room and music.

The result of these two techno-
logies is a sound unlike anything
you have ever heard before from
a bookshelf speaker. Music seems
to form in the space around the

MUSIC TO THE 4TH POWER

4

cabinet to give you an experience
of startling depth and clarity The
301 speakeris the least expen-
Sive way to enjoy the legendary
spaciousness of a Bose Direci/
Reflecting® speaker. And its com-
pact size and contemporary
styling make it an attractive
addition to any room.

Ask to hear the Bose 301 Direct/
Reflecting® speaker at your author-
ized Bose dealer.

BOSE `

Better sound through research.
‘The Mountain, Dept. PB, Framingham, MA 01701.

Covered by patent rights issued and/or pending. 301
speaker design is a ace an of Bose Corporation.
Copyright 1981 Bose Corporation.

“J

ICHELOB

Some things speak for themselves

a person who has the control and the
understanding Julie has, it’s very hard to
blow up all the time. If I did, we
wouldn't survive together—and that
would be such an indictment of me that
I couldn't tolerate it. Julie's been а
deterrent to my temper just by being
who she is. That doesn’t mean I don’t
blow up; I do, but much less than I used
to.

PLAYBOY: Did moving to Switzerland
help you?

EDWARDS: Yeah, though I resisted going
at first, and I think on some pretty good
grounds. Instinctively, I felt that Julie
t, but I also had to tell her,
“Listen, you're fantasizing that little
Swiss village. Its not going to work un-
less we clean up whatever prompts us to
live in this mad way. Otherwise, we'll
just take the madness into Gstaad.” In
my view, that's exactly what we did for a
while.

ANDREWS: It was terrible in the begin-
ning. Blake exploded, my daughter got
mononucleosis, Blake's son, Geoff, resist-
ed the governess like you couldn't believe
and I was utterly miserable, because my
idea to stand still and be quiet for a bit
just fell to pieces. But when you move
away to a quiet spot, people don't come
t as often, the phone doesn't ring
quite so much, things calm down and you
learn to live with yourself. Switzerland
was just what we needed, because it pro-
vided a kind of sanity for us. You start.
by saying, “Jesus, what am I going to do
with myself now that I'm here? There's
nothing to do.”

EDWARDS: And then you have to come to
terms with yourself, because that's all
there is. And you talk and you have to
communicate. If Julie asked me why I
was so upset, I couldn't very well say.
“Well, I had a fuckin’ hard day at the
office," because I wasn’t at the office. I
was home all day.

ANDREWS: Thats when I noticed that
when things are toughest for Blake, he
will just disappear and write. It’s a won-
derful avenue of escape: He doesn’t
have to deal with reality; he can go off
and write, and out of it will come one
of his creative things. Not too long after
we moved to Gstaad, Blake disappeared
into his room and wrote 8.О.В. and
Victor] Victoria.

PLAYBOY: Were you thinking that Tama-
rind Seed might have been the last film
you'd direct and that from then on,
you'd be only a writer?

EDWARDS: No. 1 was hoping something
else would come along, and lo and be-
hold, it did: The Return of the Pink
Panther.

PLAYBOY: After the first two Pink Pan-
ther films came out in 1964, didn't you
say you'd never make another movie
with Peter Sellers?

EDWARDS: Right, but we overcame that a
few years later, when I directed him in
The Party, so even though I knew

1 for making trouble, our last
experience had been a good one, Peter's
career had been at a low ebb then, and
it was still in bad shape when we started
The Return of the Pink Panther, and at
those times, he'd be cooperative and
wonderful to work with. That's the way
he was on the first one we made.
PLAYBOY: When you started shooting
The Pink Panther, did you have any
idea that you'd stumbled onto a gold
mine?

EDWARDS: No, I just thought I had a
good fun film, and we had a lot of fun
making it. I had Sellers for only four or
five weeks, and he was terrific. But with
Peter, you really never knew what you
were getting into. We came right back
with 4 Shot in the Dark, and things
were fine for the first half of filming, but
then the shit hit the fan.

PLAYBOY: In what sense?

EDWARDS: Sellers became a monster. He
just got bored with the part and be-
came angry, sullen and unprofessional.
He wouldn't show up for work and he
began looking for anyone and everyone
to blame, never for a moment stopping
to see whether or not he should blame
himself.

PLAYBOY: Blame himself for what?
EDWARDS: For his own madness, his own
craziness. He worried about everything.
There wasn't a movie Sellers made, ex-
cept maybe for Being There—and I
don't know about that one because I
wasn't present—that he didn't think was
a total disaster by the time it was fin-
ished. He'd want to buy it and chuck
it out.

PLAYBOY: Given the head trips many ac-
tors fall victim to, did you find that
unusual?

EDWARDS: To be as paranoid as he was?
Yeah. In spite of that, I still wanted Peter
for The Return of the Pink Panther,
and I had high hopes for the movie. I'd
been trying to resurrect the Panther for
years, but it was a Mirisch Company-
United Artists property, and the studio
had to be talked into doing it—they
weren't interested. So I approached Lew
Grade with the idea, and he wanted to
do it as a television series. That was all
right with me, and Peter also agreed,
probably because his career was at an
ebb again. Being essentially a film per-
son, as soon as I started. writing the first
script, I started trying to talk Lew into
doing it as a movie. At first, he absolute-
ly and totally refused, but then he fi-
nally got around to saying, "Well, how
much is it going to cost me?" I've always
been a gambler and I'd always put my
money where my mouth was, so I said,
"Lew, I won't take a nickel, and I've
talked to Peter and he won't take a
nickel. All we each want is expenses and
ten percent of the gross from the first
dollar on." Lew gave it to us, and there-
in lies the secret of my wealth. The
Return of the Pink Panther was a

huge success, and we got very rich. We
made the first one for about $3,000,000
and it grossed about $33,000,000, so
you're talking about a profit of approxi-
mately $30,000,000.

PLAYBOY: No creative studio bookkeep-
ing or phantom overhead charges that
moviemakers always complain about?
EDWARDS: We didn't have any of that.
Lew made a wonderful deal with United
Artists: UA had no confidence in the
picture, so all it wanted to distribute it
was five percent of the profits. After it
released the movie, it just took off, and
Írom then on, UA decided that the Pink
Panther was important. The studio al-
lowed Grade back into the next one, but
after that, the Pink Panther became en-
tirely a UA project. The Pink Panther
Strikes Again grossed $10,000,000-
$15,000,000 more than The Return of the
Pink Panther, and at that point, I want-
ей no more of Inspector Clouscau.
PLAYBOY: If you felt that way, why did
you make Revenge of the Pink Panther?
EDWARDS: Sheer greed; it was a very cal-
culating move. I understood it was go-
ing to be the last one, no matter what
happened, and the deal UA offered me
to do the third film was so much beyond
the two others that I thought, One
more, and ГЇЇ be able to put enough
away so that ГИ never have to work
again. I wasn't wrong about that, either.
PLAYBOY: Were there any major differ-
ences between the two Panther movies
of 1964 and the three made in the late
Seventies?

EDWARDS: Yeah, we got more and more
away from Clouseau's character involve-
ments and we put in more and
more physical comedy so that we could
use doubles for Peter.

PLAYBOY: Why did you do that?

EDWARDS: I had to. With each film,
Sellers cooperated less and got stranger
and madder. And the sicker he got—and.
his illness had a lot to do with it—the
less he was able to function. I mean,
Sellers was а pretty strange gentleman
to begin with, but that awful heart he
had apparently affected his memory: If
you gave him any kind of intricate phys-
ical moves in scenes in which he also
had lines, he became literally incapable
of doing both. I remember a scene in
Revenge of the Pink Panther in which
I started rehearsing him on all kinds of
funny moves that would have just been
par for the course in the early Pink
Panther movies; there was absolutely no
way he was able to do it, so I stuck him
up against a fireplace and kept his
moves to a minimum. Under normal
conditions, that scene would have taken
no more than the morning and possibly
part of the afternoon to shoot. It ended
up taking about two and a half days.
PLAYBOY: Did Sellers’ deteriorating
health necessitate a lot of on-the-spot
rewriting?

EDWARDS: That really happened on the

97

PLAYBOY

98

last movie we did. Peter just couldn't do
а sequence all of us still consider to be,
le оп paper, the funniest scene ever writ-

ten for any of the Panthers. Clouseau

JUST WHAT YOUD EXPECT 2:559 2s

according to their own concept of what
FROM FRYE. THE BEST a couple of sharp black dudes should
look like—we gave them Alros and the
most outrageous outfits you’ve ever seen.
Peter was then supposed to come out
with a lot of what Clouseau thought was
very hip black street lingo and, of
course, screw it all up. Peter absolutely
couldn't get it. That made him very
angry and resulted in a very unpleasant
day on the set. About two o'clock in the
morning, though, Peter telephoned me,
as was his wont, to say, “Don't worry
about tomorrow. I know how to do it.”
I told him that was terrific news and
asked what he was going to do. Peter
said, “I want to surprise you, but don’t
worry, Гуе talked to God, and He told
me how to do it.”
PLAYBOY: Was Sellers kidding?
EDWARDS: That depends on whether or
not you think he talked to God. The
next morning, he came in and wanted
to do the scene immediately. We still
had some work to do with the cameras,
but Peter said, “Leave things as they are
and just roll it.” I said OK, and Peter
made his entrance at the top of some
stairs—and it was perfectly obvious that
he didn’t have anything planned. He
just believed that by some miracle he'd
do something brilliant, but what he did
was awful. Afterward, I said, “Do me a
favor, Peter. In the future, tell God to
stay out of show business.” I did it as a

You can lose your wallet, joke, but it didn't work. Peter drifted
But you can’t lose your ee та
Uncle Henry.

he performed, and his whole physical
being seemed to wither. We had to cut
the entire sequence and replace it with
а new one, which was a physical se-
quence in which we used a double. It
was very sad.
PLAYBOY: What you're describing is
a dying man. Were you surprised that
after Revenge of the Pink Panther,
Sellers somehow marshaled the energy
to go out and make Being There?
EDWARDS: No, because work was his only
salvation. He always seemed to find the
energy someplace, so I don't think I was
really surprised by it.
PLAYBOY: We were a little surprised
The classic Stockman | when we learned you were making two
is the perfect helper for more Pink Panther films, the first of
Sthousandondonejobs.Guaran- | Which is being released about the time

2 w is being published. When
teed against loss for one year from date «МЕНӘ: abhi het?

did you
EDWARDS: About five years before Sellers

of registration. UNCLE ч б

. Uncle Henry also offers 125 passed away. I thought he'd refuse to
а selection of pocket knives with HENRY. play Clouseau in any more movies, and
one and two blades. in the meantime, the Pink ther had

0 you have any idea what the Panther car-
toon character itself brings in every year

Write for your free Shrode Almoncc to Schrode Cutlery Com. Ellenville, N Y 12428-0:

FRYE MAKES BOOTS THAT ARE
BUILT TO LAST.

BOOTS THAT GET BETTER WITH
TIME. ASK ANYONE WHO OWNS
FRYES. THEY'LL TELL YOU ONE THING.

ALWAYS LOOK FOR BOOTS
BRANDED FRYE.

IF YOU HAVE A TASTE FOR TIMELESS
STYLING, INSIST ON
FRYE DRESS CLAS-
SICS. YOULL FIND
HAND-STAINED
LEATHERS. RICH
COLORS. STYLES
TO WEAR WITH
BUSINESS SUITS.
ORBASIC
JEANS.

EVERY PAIR OF FRYE BOOTS 5
BENCHCRAFTED BY HAND. USING
ONLY THE FINEST LEATHERS. IN
CLASSIC, WESTERN AND CASUAL
LOOKS. AND NOW FRYE INTRODUCES
QUALITY BELTS AND VESTS FOR MEN.

— ен

— == —
— — >

WHY FRYE? FRYE BOOTS ТАКЕ @
YOU WHERE YOU WANT TO GO. iz

JOHNA FRYE SHOE CO 15 A SUBSIDIARY OF ALBERTO-CULVER CO.

PLAYBOY

100

Imported by Browne Vintners Co.. New York © 1981

APPELLATION MACON CONTROLEE

BOTTLED BY

GUESTIER

PRODUCE OF FRANCE
NEGOCIANTS - ELEVEURS A BLANQUEFORT

Mine lovers the world over have loved B&G's fine French wines since 1725. Our
31 superb red, white ond rosé wines are savored for their consistent taste and
superior quality. Соте епіоу the pleasure of our company. B&G.

in merchandising?

PLAYBOY: Care to tell us?

EDWARDS: I think it was about
$110,000,000 last year, and I have a lot
of ownership in it. It just seemed like a
shame to let the movie version end
when Peter died, but I thought his char-
acter should die, so I was faced with a
problem: What do I do about Clouseau?
I didn't like the idea of saying in a film
that he’d passed away and that we'd
carry on without him, so I had to come
up with an invention that would please
the public, and 1 think I have. I don't
really want to reveal the plot of Trail
of the Pink Panther except to say it
begins with a plane crash and Clouseau
із presumed dead, and a reporter is
assigned to gather all the information
he сап about him. It actually starts off
a little like Citizen Kane, but I don't
think anyone will mistake it for that.
PLAYBOY: The success of the three Pink
Panther sequels amounted to a dra-
matic comeback for you. Are we wrong
in thinking that after your six-year so-
journ in Europe, Hollywood welcomed
you back with open arms—and that you
were able to write your own ticket on
“10%

EDWARDS: Үсаһ, you ате wrong. Nobody
was interested in doing a picture about
a wealthy semibachelor who drives
around in a Rolls-Royce and who makes
a fool of himself. Because “10” touched
оп such themes as male menopause, fi
delity and women’s lib, initially, I didn’t
find any takers. But then some execu-
tives from United Artists left UA to start
Orion Pictures, and they desperately
wanted something that could replace the
Pink Panther. I knew that, so I went to
them with a project called The Ferret,
which was about an undercover agent
who works for only the President of the
United States.

PLAYBOY: Was it a comedy?

EDWARDS: No, it was very serious, very
real. Orion got excited about it, and I
clearly indicated that in order for me
to do The Ferret, the studio would have
to let me do “10.” So we wound up
making a threepicture deal for The
Ferret, “10” апа 8.О.В., and because it
was ready to go, we shot “10” first.
PLAYBOY: Had you planned to do “10”
after the Panther films, and had you
planned to use Julie in it?

ANDREWS: Yes to the former and no to
the latter, right? I don't think Blake had
had any intention of using me in “10.”
EDWARDS: Oh, yes, 1 did.
ANDREWS: Did you?
EDWARDS: I talked to you about “10”
very early. You're just not remembering.
ANDREWS: No, I'm not.

EDWARDS: Someday. I want to make the
definitive martial-arts film.

ANDREWS: There you are.

PLAYBOY: Considering the fate of Darling

The Code-A-Phone 1750 answers the phone with a recorded
message from you, then records messages from your callers up to half

an hour long. Carry the handy Pocket Coder and you can hear your
messages from any telephone in the world. The system is voice-controlled,
so when your callers stop talking, the 1750 stops recording.

It’s compatible with any telephone, but deserves something ехсер-
tional. So we'll send you a free Memory Phone I (а $39.95 = -
value) when you buy the 1750. The Memory Phone EA
automatically remembers the last number you dialed,
then dials it again at the press of a button. So get a
1750, with a free Memory Phone, and see how much
you've been missing. GODE-A4-PHONE" £

America’s getting the message.
Get A Free Memory Phone I With Every Code A-Phone 1750.
Call Toll-Free For The Nearest Participating Retailer: 800547-4683.

In Alaska, Hawaii and Oregon, call collect: (503) 655-8940, Ext. 333.
Code-A-Phone? is a registered trademark of Ford Industries, Inc., Clackamas, Oregon 97015. Offer ends December 31, 1982. Elephant not included.

PLAYBOY

Lili and The Tamarind Seed, did either
of you think that perhaps it wasn't such
a bright idea to work together again?
ANDREWS: Once in a while, I felt that
maybe I was a jinx for Blake and we
shouldn't work together, but the happy
result is that we're way past that now.
And it never really mattered, anyway,
because the pleasure of doing a film
with him far outweighs any other con-
sideration.

PLAYBOY: Blake has told us why he likes
to work with you. Why do you like to
work with him?

ANDREWS: Because there's always a great
feeling of fun on any picture he makes.

His set is a very happy environment,
and I'm not speaking for just myself
when I say that his actors are embraced
and, to a degree, are asked for their
opinions; and if they have something
valid to contribute, he'll go with it. You
have a very open mind about that,
Blake. He also has а wonderful knowl
edge of camera and lenses and the abil-
ity to edit a movie as he shoots it—he
docsn't waste time and he doesn’t shoot
extraneously. Cutting in camera is what
I'm trying to say, isn't it, Blak
EDWARDS: Yeah, and it's really tied to the
fact that I direct my own screenplays.
When you write a screenplay, you en-

DRAMBUIE OVER ICE
WITH PARK PLACE

vision certain things, and as a director,
you just bring that to the set. A lot of
directors will shoot hundreds of thou-
sands of feet of film covering scenes
from every possible angle, but having
usually written what I'm directing, I
don't have to do that I've already
worked it out a long time before I ever
walk onto the sct, which is why I'm
probably known for shooting less film
than anybody in the busincs:
ANDREWS: Can І say just onc other thing
that I feel about Blake? He's not a trick
director. A number of directors, for no
reason at all, will suddenly shoot a scene
through a keyhole or over a doorway
just because it seems like a clever thing
to do. Blake doesn’t do those things; he
doesn’t try to show his own ego on film.
EDWARDS: Days of Wine and Roses was
a classic example of what Julie's talking
about: If ever a film were seemingly de-
signed for a director to show off, that
was it. I can't tell you how many times
I started looking under a bed or some-
thing to find an angle that would be,
Julie says, kind of tricky. But I just kept
it as straight as I could and kept telling
myself, Don't be cute and don't be clev-
er, Just pay attention to your actors and
don't let anybody know there's a camera
there. In films such as Experiment in
Terror, I've used the camera more for
effect. In that one, I didn’t want to ex
pose the villain’s full face immediately.
so I had just a big mouth breathing into
a phone. But I don't remember any
specific times when I felt I was showing
off except for when I started out, and
I'm sure that's always prompted me into
thinking. Be carelul.

PLAYBOY: If wc can return to the subject
of "10," we'd like to know whether or
not your much-ballyhooed nationwide
search for a perfectly beautiful woman—
a ten—actually took place.

EDWARDS: Well, I think the studio exag-
gerated it because it was making hay out
of the publicity, but there certainly was
a search. We didn't go nationwide or
anything like it, though. We just did it
in the Los Angeles area, and I inter-
viewed ап awful lot of ladies and con-
ducted many, many screen tests. I settled
on several possibilities, but even though
I knew we were close, I wasn't 100 per-
cent convinced that we had the actress
we needed. And then, at a party one
night, a United Artists publicist joking-
ly told me, “That lady over there knows
a ten,” so I sought her out casually and
asked, "What's this about a ten?” And
she said, “I really do know a ten—John
Derek’s wife.” I immediately answered,
“You mean he's got another one, for
God's sake? That adds up to 30." We
did a couple of those jokes, and then I
made an appointment for her to bring
Derek's wife to the studio. And prompt
ly forgot about it. Well, а couple of days
later, I walked into my office and sitting

Make every day his Brut Day.

Brut" for men by Fabergé. After shave, after shower, after anything.“

Molso
That’s Canadian for

there was Bo Derek—and I just froze.
ANDREWS: Blake’s actual description of
that moment was that he came to a
skidding halt.

EDWARDS: That's и. And after І
talked to Bo, I called Julie and said, “I
found her!” Julie said, “Terrific—can
she act?” And I said, “Jesus, I don't
know.”

ANDREWS: Не couldn’t have cared less.
Blake didn't even test her.

PLAYBOY: Can she act?

EDWARDS: Yes, but you have to provide
Bo with the proper arena. There's a
kind of naturalness about her, and
you've got to tap into that in order to
make her performance more than just
sort of average.

ANDREWS: I saw her do some interesting
things that were very contributive. She
really worked hard.

PLAYBOY: How did you happen to pick
Dudley Moore to star opposite Bo Derck
and your wife?

EDWARDS: That was the result of circum-
stance and instinct. I'd written “10”
with Jack Lemmon in mind, and for
many years I tried to get him to do it,
but Jack didn't like it. I guess he didn't
like it, because he wouldn't do it, so I
finally signed George Segal. In fact, we
had Segal before we found Bo, but then,
just a few days before we were supposed
to start shooting, he quit the picture. I
was stunned. I couldn't believe it.
PLAYBOY: Didn't Segal claim that there
were scenes іп “10” that he'd wanted
out of the screenplay?

EDWARDS: Thats what he says; it's not
true. I mean, he may have come up with
that after the fact, but we had meetings
with him right up until he quit, and as
far as my coproducer, Tony Adams, and
I were concerned, Segal was happy. He's
changed his story so many times that 1
really don’t know what the answer is.
PLAYBOY: Segal filed a lawsuit against
you, and then you filed one against him.
How was the matter resolved?

EDWARDS: We settled out of court; he
paid up. АШ I can say is that I've been
very lucky in that anyone who's ever
walked out on one of my movies has
been replaced by somebody better. Peter
Ustinov, you know, was originally signed.
to play Inspector Clouseau in The Pink
Panther, but at the last minute—and I
mean the last minute, the Friday before
the Monday we were to start shooting—
Ustinov said he wouldn't do it.

PLAYBOY: Why did he back out?

EDWARDS: The reason he gave was that
wed told him Ava Gardner would be
playing his wife, but about a week be-
fore, she'd quit, and we'd replaced her
with Capucine. Ustinov didn't have the
contractual right to walk out on the
movie, but at that point, we were already
in Rome, and we had to either replace
him or cancel the movie and start legal
proceedings. Well, Sellers was available

because he'd just walked out on Top-
Карі. 1 don't know this for a fact, but
it makes one suspect that maybe Ustinov
quit The Pink Panther to do Tophapi.
Anyway, Sellers was brilliant іп The
Pink Panther, and “10” opened up a
whole new career for Dudley Moore.
PLAYBOY: Moore is a far cry from Segal.
Were you at all apprehensive about us-
ing him?

EDWARDS: No, not at all. Once I settled
on the idea, I was very happy with it.
I just shifted gears.

ANDREWS: I surc was apprehensive. Dud-
ley scemed a lot younger than I was and
І was certainly a lot taller than he was,
so I rather tactfully suggested to Blake
that maybe he'd like to replace me with
someone who'd be more compatible
with Dudley. Blake told me he wanted
that difference. He asked me to think
about Sinatra and Gardner or to con
sider someone like André Previn, who's
not very tall but who's immensely attrac-
tive and makes everybody swoon. Once
Blake explained my relationship with
Dudley, it became totally and utterly
easy. lt sure helps to have it mapped
out for you.

PLAYBOY: Did you anticipate that “10”
would bring in more than $75,000,000 at
the box office?

EDWARDS: Oh, I thought it would do
well, but I had no idea it would do that
well Orion certainly didn't thi it
would do well at all, because after “10”
was completed—but before it was re-
leased—it canceled our three picture
agreement. That was the end of
The Ferret, and if not for David Picker
and Paramount, 8.О.В. never would have
been made. Picker and по опе clse had
the guts to say, "Let's do it!”

PLAYBOY: Didn’t you also have a run-in
with Orion about the ads for “10”?
EDWARDS: Yes, because the ads it ran for
“10” were tasteless, but I must tell you,
I really don’t want to talk about those
people. As with so many of the execu-
tives I continually run across in this
business, their value systems are garbage
dumps. I think I was badly treated: they
think differently, and that’s their priv-
ilege. I would prefer to forget them,
because talking about them is a waste of
life, if you will.

PLAYBOY: Then let's drop the subject and
get back to you, Julie. Aside from your
initial apprehension about playing op-
posite Moore, how did you feel about
appearing in “10”?

ANDREWS: Well, it was the first film for
me in quite a while, and I was super-
nervous. I thought that maybe styles in
acting had changed and that perhaps
time had passed me by and I'd seem very
old-fashioned. I hadn’t done a movie for
five years, and on the first day of shoot-
ing, 1 had to do something simple like
carry in a bag of groceries—and it felt
like I was beginning all over again. I
was all anxiety and nerves, and I

thought the top of my head would come
off. It took me several days to settle
down.

PLAYBOY: When you did, did you sense
that Moore had finally come across the
breakthrough movie role that had elud-
ed him for so long?

ANDREWS: Oh, as soon as I got to know
Dudley, I had no doubt that he would
have burst out somewhere, because he
really is adorable! All the time we were
filming, Dudley kept us laughing and
entertained us—he's also a fine pianist,
you know. Those were great things to
find out, because I hadn't ever really
met him before, and 1 think we kind of
walked around each other a little bit at
first. I was probably as scared of him as
he was of me—God knows why. but we
were—and then we became very good
friends after that.

Yve found, incidentally, that when
you make a film or a play, a very per-
sonal thing happens between the two
main people involved in it. Its not
exactly like an affair, but it's close. And
it's very cerebral, because you get into
all sorts of areas of vulnerability and
self-consciousness, and you really sense
where the other person's at. A very close
relationship builds, and yet it can
be over as soon as a film or play is fin-
ished, but that's the nature of the beast,
and it's nothing that one regrets. 1
mean, that's the way it is.

PLAYBOY: Richard Burton once said that
every actor who plays opposite you falls
a little in love with you. Is that feeling
reciprocated?

ANDREWS: In his case, it was; I got thi:
huge crush on Burton when I did
Camelot, and I must say that a couple
of years before that, when I was doing
Му Fair Lady, 1 was absolutely fasci-
nated by Rex Harrison. Each of those
gentlemen was an almost magical Icarn-
ing experience for me, and the chances
to work with them were the results of a
couple of monumental times in my life
when fate, luck, ing—I don't know
what you'd call it—came my way. I
mean, two years before I found myself
in My Fair Lady, 1 was 18 and over the
hill. Really, my career was just about
finished.

PLAYBOY: Do you know how improbable
that sounds?

ANDREWS: Ah, but it’s the truth, because
by then, I'd gone about as far as I
could go in England. Га been this sort
of child phenomenon, and after about
six years in vaudeville, there wasn't very
much left for me to do.

PLAYBOY: How did you get into vaude-
ville in the first place?

ANDREWS: Through my mum and step-
father—they were a vaudeville team.
She was a fine piani d when she met
my stepfather, they formed a musical
act. She played the piano for him, and
he was a tenor who sang everything

105

PLAYBOY

from grand opera to ballads to pop
songs of the day. They became a very
successful second-top-of the-bill act; a
comedian would usually be top of the
bill, and a musical act came second. 1
lived with my aunt when they began
touring, but one day, when I was about
nine, my stepfather discovered that 1
had a freak voice, and not long after
that, I started appearing with them.
PLAYBOY: Why do you say you had a
freak voice?

ANDREWS: Because that’s what it was. Did
you ever hear Yma Sumac sing? She was
that Peruvian lady who could hit notes
high enough to attract dogs from
miles around. Well, I couldn't do that or
break glasses with my voice, but I could
do just about anything else. I had a
kind of adult larynx, and when I began
studying with my stepfathers vocal
teacher, he discovered that I had a vocal
range of five octaves, which was an enor-
mously powerful voice for a rather small
kid. During school holidays my step-
father would ask various house man-
agers to allow me to go onstage with
him, and Га stand on a becr crate so
that I could reach the microphone and
we'd sing duets together, and sometimes
T'd do a solo. That went on until I was
12, and then this very sophisticated re
vue was about to be started at the
London Hippodrome, and for some rca-
son—I guess my parents knew the pro-
ducers—I was asked to appear in it. It
was the full showbiz story: The night be-
fore opening night, the agement
decided 1 was too young for the revue
and that I wouldn't go over well, and
so my mother, stepfather and their
agent descended on the producers and
said, "You can't do that to this poor kid.
Give Julie her big break." So they
changed what I was supposed to sing
Írom something rather mild like The
Skater's Waltz to a difficult aria, and on
opening night, I knocked 'em dead, I
gather. Actually, 1 remember it rather
well, 'cause it was quite a night.
PLAYBOY: What did you do in the show?
ANDREWS: І followed a sweet man named
Wally Bogue, a very funny comedian
who did some crazy dances and then
told stories while making little animal
figures out of balloons. At the end of
his act, he said, "Are there any little
girls and boys who'd like one of these
balloons?" And along with two or
three kids who were genuinely from the
audience, I ran up to the stage to get
one. Wally purposely talked to me last
and asked me what I liked to do, and I
told him I was a singer. His line was
"Would you sing for us tonight?" and
that was my cue.

PLAYBOY: And the orchestra's as well?
ANDREWS: Hokey though it may have
been, suddenly there was full orchestra-

106 tion behind me with lots of luscious

strings, and I immediately went into the
Polonaise from Mignon; I hit a high Е
above high C—a very high note, in-
deed—and I literally stopped the show.
The audience wouldn't stop applauding,
and afterward, the press followed me
home and photographed me with my
Teddy bear. This will date me a bit, but
I suppose you could say I became sort
of England’s Deanna Durbin, and for
the next six years, I capitalized on that.
PLAYBOY: You became a full-time trouper?
ANDREWS: Yes, and at first 1 enjoyed the
notoriety and the fact that I was a little
special, but after a few years, it was just
plain hard work. When I was 15, I was
touring all over England, playing thea-
ters a week at a time, and I realize now
that it was the tag end of the glory days
of English vaudeville. And then, to my
horror, when I was 17—and still wearing
dresses that pressed my bosom reason-
ably flat and little ankle socks and Mary
Janes—my voice started changing. І
have a hunch that a girl's voice doesn't
break the way a boy's does; it just shifts
gears. From having such a vast range—
five octaves—my voice dropped to the
three I have today. І no longer had that
enormous flexibility, but my voice,
which was pretty white and thin—it's
still pretty white and thin—got warmer
and more mature.

PLAYBOY: What did that do to your
career?

ANDREWS: Not very much, because this
fish had thoroughly explored England's
rather small show-business pond. When I
as 18, I was playing Cinderella in
the Christmas pantomime at the London
Palladium, and that was about the top
shot left for me. By then, however, The
Boy Friend had opened in London
was an original English show—and the
producers were putting together a com-
pletely new company for a Broadway
production. Luckily for me, the director
happened to see me in Cinderella one
night and asked if I would like to play
the lead in the American production.
He offered me a two-year contract, and
the idea of being banished to America
for two years was unthinkable, so 1
refused.

PLAYBOY: Why was it unthinkable?
ANDREWS: Because I never had been away
from шу parents for more than a week
at a time, and even then, I always had
this awful separation anxiety. The pro-
ducers really did want me in the show,
so for only one of the few times I ever
put my foot down in those days, 1 said
Га do it only if they'd make it for one
year. Even after they agreed, I went
through an agony of indecision about
whether or not I should go, and I
damned near didn't. If Га had my way,
Га probably have turned it down, but
my parents thought I should go, and so
did my father my real father. When in

doubt, I'd always turn to him, because
he's very wise and dear, and he said.
“Look, honey, go get the experience.
The show will probably run only two
or three months, anyw and you'll
have had a fantastic experience that will
broaden your mind." So off 1 went, and
it was the best thing that ever happened
to me, because if І hadn't come to Amer
ica, I'm quite sure my career would have
just fizzled out.

PLAYBOY: What did you expect New York
to be like?

ANDREWS: I don't honestly think that I
anticipated anything. I was just sort of
numb at having landed this job that was
going to take me into the unknown. I'd
heard that Fifth Avenue was glorious
and that the United States was а cou
try of extreme wealth, but mostly I was
trying to absorb what was happening to
mc. and I felt very out of my depth. I
flew over to New York with four other
girls, and a few weeks after getting
there, І moved into a room with one of
them, a mad extrovert with the improb-
able name of Dilys Lay—the producers
added an E to her last name because they
thought DILYS Lay would look a little
strange on the marquee. Dilys was always
out and about, letting one amorous
beau out the back door while greeting
another one at the front. I was rather
bewildered at this constant parade of
guys who were wining and dining her,
and occasionally, she'd drag me along;
mostly, I wanted to stay in. She was very
good for me, and I was good for her.
I think I calmed her down a bit, and
Dilys certainly pepped me up a bit,
which was just what I needed.

PLAYBOY: Why? Were you very homesick?
ANDREWS: That was part of it, but my
real worry was that before The Boy
Friend opened, 1 half expected to be
sent packing back to England. The show
was set in the Twenties, and everybody
was kind of camping it up and being
funny in a Betty Boop way, and I had
no idea how to play comedy or how to
behave as if I belonged in that era. I
muddled through rehearsals for the en-
tire summer, and then, on the morning
of our opening night, the show's pro-
ducer, Cy Feuer, bless his hcart, sat me
down for a talk. This is about as hokey
а showbiz story as my being allowed to
go on at the Hippodrome, but it's also
true.

PLAYBOY: We're all cars, Julie.

ANDREWS: Well, Feuer took me out to the
fire escape outside the theater and said,
"You really were terrible last night,"
and I heartily agreed, because I hadn't
gotten a single laugh. “If you do exactly
what I tell you, you stand a chance of
being successful,” he said. "You've been
trying to be funny and you've been atro-
cious, so I want you to forget about
trying to be funny. Just play your

potere е... Product of NISSAN | - 82.

are doing.

So that's how I played it on opening
night, and the next morning, there was
a new star on Broadway. I got great
reviews, my name went up above the
title on the marquee and it was terribly
xciting! The Boy Friend was actually a
very fragile, gentle little musical, almost
like a piece of lace, but it became quite
a big hit because it was the "in" thing to
see that year—mostly because everyone
loved the Twenties music and we had a
marvelous group of musicians. 1 spent
the year thrashing about wildly, trying
to realize what Га done. It was а won-
derful learning experience, and then,
the following summer approached, I got
terribly excited about the prospect of
finally going home. Once again, how-
ever, my timing was right, and I got
very, very lucky.

PLAYBOY: You were asked to do My Fair
Lady?

ANDREWS: Exactly so. Two weeks before
I was to go home, I received a telephone
call from someone who represented
Alan Jay Lerner and Frederick Loewe,
nd he asked me just one questio
How long was my contract with The
Boy Friend? I told him J was going home
in two weeks, and the man—1 wish I
could remember his name—said, "Oh,
Jesus Christ, ГИ be right back to you."
He later explained that Lerner and
Loewe were doing a musical version of
George Bernard Shaw's Pygmalion and
they'd wanted to get in touch with me,
but everybody had said, "Don't bother;
she's probably got a two-year contract
like the rest of the people in that show."
This man had apparently said it would
cost only a dime to call me, and he was
very surprised. So 1 auditioned for
Lerner and Loewe, and then ] audi-
tioned for Rodgers and Hammerstein,
who were doing a musical called Pipe
Dream. Richard Rodgers told mc,
“Look, we'd love to use you, but I think
you'd be better off in the Lerner and
Loewe piece. If you get it, take it—and
if you don't, please let us know.” Well,
I got it and took it.

PLAYBOY: We're under the impression
that Lerner and Loewe auditioned doz-
ens of women for the role of El
Doolittle. Was that the case?

ANDREWS: I know they had asked Mary
Martin to do it and I think they had
another actress in mind for a while, but
they eventually picked me, thank God.
I actually auditioned three times for
them at the Shubert Theater—just an
empty stage, a pianist and me—and I
sang loudly and piercingly. 1 gave them
my full vaudeville whammy, and when
THE FIRST МАМЕ IN COGNAC SINCE 1724 they finally settled on me, T once again

. e қ, КЕРСК Балды less than joyous.

Sole LLS A Distributor Foreign Vintages, Inc. Neu York c v 80 Pu PLAYBOY: Why? Did you think My Fair

HOWTO BETHE GUEST OF HONOR. 1

Panasonic Omni Series Component Video.
Television may be the last reason you buy it.

Today, television takes a quantum leap into tomor-
row. А leap into the worlds of video recreation,
computer information and prerecorded program-
ming. And with Panasonic Omni Series Component
Video, you'll be ready for this video revolution!
Ready, with a separate video monitor, with the com-
puter-designed Panasonic CompuFocus optical sys-
tem. A state-of-the-art comb filter, ultra-wide lens, and
tinted screen combine to give you a picture thats 20%
sharper than any Panasonic before.
Ready, with a separate master control that lets you add а

computer, video game and video recorder. And
‘switch easily from one to the other, or even to cable,
tuming your television into а complete home enter-
tainment center.

Ready, with separate stereo speakers that can de-
liver the sound the Omni Series picture demands.

You'll find the quality of Omni Series technology in
every Panasonic color TV, from the worlds smallest, 2.6;
to a giant screen 45 projection TV (both meas diag).

So don't buy just another TV set. Buy Panasonic Omni
Series Component Video. Its ready for the future. Right now.

Panasonic.
just slightly ahead of our time.

PLAYBOY

Lady would turn out to be a Пор?
ANDREWS: My thoughts ar the time were,
Oh, my God, what are these Americans
going to do to Shaw? And this time I had
to sign a two-year contract—more tears
at having to be away from home for so
long. In general, though, I soon became
preoccupied with just surviving and get-
ting through. You know, they're pretty
ruthless on Broadway, and even in The
Boy Friend, a couple of people who
hadn't cut it were sent back to England.
Well, during rehearsals for My Fair Lady,
I knew that I was the worst, and if not
for Moss Hart, our director, I'm sure I
would have been sent back to England.
Talk about Pygmalion and Galatea;
Moss was my Svengali!

PLAYBOY: Why did you need so much
help?

ANDREWS: ГА never done so dram:
a play before, and what's really hilar
ous is that I had no idea how to do a
Cockney accent. They finally got an
American professor of phonetics to teach
me how to speak Cockney. I was fine in
the musical numbers, but I was terrible
in the dramatic role. I saw the movie of
Pygmalion with Leslie Howard three
times and I knew what I wanted to do,
but I just didn't seem able to do it. So
there 1 was, Houndering around, and 1
had the sense that the rest of the com-
pany was very worried about me. Final-
ly, Moss, that unique man, said, "I'm
going to dismiss the company for a long
weekend, and you and I will just work
together and see if we can't get a grasp
on the role.” I knew it was going to be
agony, and I also knew it was now or
never: If I couldn't cut it, I was going
to be fired.

PLAYBOY: Was it a weekend of agony?
ANDREWS: No, because І knew Moss was
offering me a lifeline, and it was the
most wonderful thing he could have
done. We worked two seemingly end-
less days, primarily to find the guts I
needed for Eliza Doolittle. Moss would
snatch Eliza's purse from me, try to get
me angry, then he'd lash out at me. He'd
say, “You're acting like а schoolgirl—
be stronger!” It was one of those things
where you want to weep and break
down, yet you know you're lost if you
don't listen and learn. It really was pain-
ful—it was like stripping your soul of
all the corny things and being laid
bare—and it was the best acting lesson
Та ever had in my life. And underneath
all his bullying and cajoling and en-
couraging, I could feel this tremendous
affection. Moss really wanted me to suc-
ceed, and so did I. As I say, I knew
where I wanted to go with Eliza, but I
didn't know how to get there; Moss
showed me how to get there. That Mon-
day morning, it felt as if the eyes of the
entire world were upon me, and it was

110 a little intimidating. Um sure I fell back

50 percent on the work I'd done over
the weekend, but I obviously did well
enough to stay with the show.

PLAYBOY: You mentioned before that you
were fascinated by Rex Harrison. Why?
ANDREWS: Becausc he was magical on-
stage, and sometimes I'd find myself
forgetting to be Eliza and Га just watch
him with my mouth open. He was one
of the best learning experiences I'd
ever had. Before My Fair Lady, Rex
had never sung, and he was very worried
about doing it for the first time. When
we started rehearsals, he was truly in-
timidated by the orchestra, but then he
evolved his wonderful form of talking
and singing, which I found brilliant.
And because he was such a heavyweight
and so good as Henry Higgins, I'd get
so nervous working with him that some-
times I'd actually get the giggles. I
mean, there'd be moments he'd only
have to say “Boo!” to me and I'd be
gone—and he knew it.

PLAYBOY: Did he try to upstage you?
ANDREWS: No, he was very generous on-
stage, and he really carried the show
for a very, very long time, until I'd done
some of my homework. Rex was also
wonderfully unpredictable, and onstage
he liked to tease me a lot, and that
would make me giggle. I remember there
was a Brownie camera on Higgins’ desk,
and one night, while I was delivering
my lines, Rex said, “Hold and be-
gan snapping away. At such moments,
I'd break up and hate myself for doing
it, and he was probably thoroughly fed
up with my stupid giggles, but it was
sheer nerves.

PLAYBOY; How long did that go on?
ANDREWS: It lasted for a good two
months after we opened on Broadway.
Along with being intimidating and pro-
fessional and everything clse, Rex was
also a very Hatulent gentleman. and ос-
casionally he'd really let Ну onstage,
which would surprise us all—and that
would get me very nervous. One night,
we were doing the scene toward thc end
of the show in which Eliza and Mrs.
Higgins are talking about what makes
a lady, and absolutely at the moment
when Mrs. Higgins says, “Henry, dear,
please don't grind your teeth.“ Rex cut
loose with a machinegun volley that
stunned the audience, startled the or-
chestra and absolutely put us away. 1
just about fell down with the giggles,
and from then on, every other line of
dialog seemed to have a double mean-
ing. In the last song Eliza sings, I could
almost see this lyric coming up, and
there was no way I was going to get
through it. All I had to sing was “No,
my reverberating friend, you are not the
beginning and the end.” and I complete-
ly cracked up. Rex, meanwhile, had this
mischievous look in his eye, and when
the curtain finally came down, 1 was

practically weeping from nerves. That
night, the show must have run a half
hour longer than usual because there
would be these long pauses onstage
while we tried to pull ourselves together.
Afterward, 1 went up to him and said,
"How could you do that to mez" And
Rex said, "I'm terribly sorry, but when
I was young, I was always a very windy

PLAYBOY: What was your reaction to
that?
ANDREWS: Just what you'd expect—I
started giggling again. Mercifully, I fi-
nally got over all my nervousness and
settled down to a long run. I know I'm
prejudiced, but in my opinion, My Fair
Lady was one of the finest, most beauti-
fully crafted musicals ever done.
PLAYBOY: How long you stay with
the show?
ANDREWS: Well, I did My Fair Lady for
two years on Broadway and then 18
months in London. And before the
end of my run in London. Lerner and
Loewe asked me to be in Camelot, and
since it was the same team—Moss Hart
would be directing me again—I was very
happy to accept. At that point, I took a
years vacation, and it wasn't so much
a luxury as it wasa badly needed rest.
PLAYBOY: Was the role of Eliza so ex-
hausting?
ANDREWS: It was vocally exhausting. I
got myself into a terrible neurotic state
about my voice, because toward the end
of my run in London, I developed some
soft nodes on my vocal cords and
thought I'd never sing again. In fact, I
actually begged out of the last three
months of my London contract, and
Hugh Beaumont, who was manager of
the theater І was playing at, let me off,
because he knew І was pretty desperate
at that point. I don’t know any Eliza
who didn't have vocal trouble because
of the role. Some managed longer than
others, but eventually they all collapsed.
Anyway, I took the next year off and
had a great holiday in the south of
France and then started rehearsals for
Camelot.
PLAYBOY: Was your role as Guinevere in
Camelot less demanding than that of
Eliza?
ANDREWS: It was far less demanding, and
by that time, Га learned how to take
care of myself better, and I was that
much wiser and smarter and more ma-
ture in terms of being on Broadway and
knowing how to cope. Camelot was a
very happy experience. It wasn't as big
a success as My Fair Lady, but 1 think
it might have been a much bigger hit
if it had been produced before My Fair
Lady, because everyone was looking at
Lerner and Loewe and comparing their
worl the two shows.

Camelot did have some flaws, how-
ever, and cr found fault with the

= _ With nothing but a few rovisions, perfect teamwork Y
and the sheer comfort of our Herman Surviyors, r
we i to survive-In. soie e

Joseph Meroe st IVO MA © 1982

PLAYBOY

12

r — ч
LYNCHBURG 5

HARDWARE & GENERAL STORE
23 Main St., Lynchburg, TN 37352

JACK DANIEL JUGS

These are reminiscent ol the jugs used lo
sell whiskey long before bottles were used
Made from stoneware, they are fired and
glazed inside and ош. The 1/2-gallon jugs
feature blue designs, and the demi-jug has а
brown design. All jugs are clay colored

A. 1/2-Gallon Jug. 94 tall— $10.00
delivered

B. Demi-Jug. 6%” tall — $8.50 delivered.

C. 1/2-Gallon Beier Handle Jug. 74" tall
- 510.00 delivered.

Send check, money order or use American Express.
Visa or MasterCard, including all numbers and
‘signature. (Add 61% sales lax lor TN delivery )
For a free catalog. write to Eddie Swing at the
above address. Telephone: 615-759 7184.

rr 4

DESIGNER SHEETS
elegant, sensuous, delightful

Satin Sheets

Order Direct from Manufacturer ^
Machine washable: 10 colors: Black,
Royal Blue, Brown, Burgundy, Bone,
Cinnamon, Lt. Blue, Mauve Mist, Navy,
Red. Set includes: 1 flat sheet, 1
fitted sheet, 2 matching pillowcases.

Twin Set $29.00 en Set $46.00
Full Set $39.00 King Set $53.00
3 letter monogram on 2 cases - $4.00

Add $2.50 for postage & handling.
Immediate shipping on Money Orders
and Credit Cards: American Express,
Visa and Mastercharge accepted. In-
clude Signature, Account Number &
Expiration Date. Checks accepted.

HDT LINE NUMBER!
Call 201-222-2211

24 Hours a Day, 7 Days a Week

. J. & N.Y. Residents add Sales Tax.

N

Royal Creations, Ltd

350 Fifth Ave. (3308) New York, NY 10001

fact that it started off as a kind of won-
derful fairy tale and ended up very
realistically. The show began with Arthur
and Guinevere meeting and Arthur per-
suading her that Camelot was a place
worth coming to and that he was an
attractive guy. It was very dear and
touching, but toward the end of the
show, it got very heavy when, after Ar-
thur's bastard son had ruined the king-
dom, they had to part and she went
away and he went away and Lancelot
went away. I liked the show a lot, but
probably the most important thing
about it for me was the chance to work
with Burton, because, like Harrison, he
was such a huge talent that, again, I'd
just stand around and watch. Burton did
things onstage that were nothing less
than amazing.

PLAYBOY: Such as?

ANDREWS: Richard would say to me, “I
will make the audience cry tonight with
this speech, and іп the same speech to-
morrow night, I will make them laugh."
And he would do just that, and I would
be awed. I stiil don't know how he
could hold an audience so brilliantly
that he could make them laugh at the
same words that had made them cry
the night before.

PLAYBOY: Was he fun to work with?
ANDREWS: Very much so, and even
though he had some drinking problems
at the time, he never gave а bad per-
formance. In fact, Richard could even
turn his boozing to his advantage. If
he were drunk, he'd play Arthur as the
weariest, most emotionally torn king in
the world, one who could hardly wave
his sword because life was just too heavy.
Burton would be exhausted from a
binge, but he'd make it work. Robert
Goulet was in Camelot, too, and he was
divine. The guys in the show all wore
hose and short doublets, and Goulet had
the best pair of legs! I used to sit off-
stage every night and watch him sing
If Ever I Would Leave You, and all 1
could think of was, Gee, the backs of
his knees are just great! His voice was
pretty good, too.

id Burton have decent legs?
ANDREWS: No, but it didn't matter. God,
I fell instandy in love with him when
we started, and luckily for me, his eyes
did not rest upon me until much later
in the show's run, by which time I was
on to him and wise enough to stay away.
PLAYBOY: Why did you feel that way?
Was Burton romancing several women
at the time?

ANDREWS: Going through the entire com-
pany would be a better description
That's not exactly true, but I've never
seen ladies fall by the wayside as they
did with him. Burton had an almost
irresistible charm, and he's just so good
at what he does that I don't know how
often he truly has to flex those artistic

muscles of his. 1 do know that years
later, he put the absolute capper on my
square image. One day, he called me up
while he was being interviewed by Time
magazine and said, "Listen, they're say-
ing youre the only one of my leading
ladies I've never slept with." I told him,
“For God's sake, don't admit it. That'll
sound terrible.” He told the magazine
it was true, anyway.

PLAYBOY: While you were on Broadway
in Camelot, Audrey Hepburn was signed
to play Eliza in the film version of My
Fair Lady. Did that come as a major
shock?

ANDREWS: Well, this may sound like a
stiff upper lip, but the truth is, at that
point, I'd never made а film, I wasn't
box office—except perhaps оп Broad-
way—and those were the days when
studios had to go with big names, so why
would they invest in me?

PLAYBOY: You accepted the news that
calmly?

ANDREWS: Oh, no. I threw a certain
number of tantrums, but I understood
it; whether I accepted it is another ques-
tion. I've actually accepted it less as the
years have gone by, because as I gain
perspective on what My Fair Lady was
and on that particular role, I really
would like to have committed my per-
formance to film. But I certainly under-
stood the reasons for casting Audrey
Hepburn, and it was easy to be charita-
ble, because I was offered a nice movie
in its place. Almost simultaneous to the
news about Hepburn, Walt Disney visit-
ed me backstage at Camelot and talked
to me about Mary Poppins, and I was
very mollified. When I went out to the
Disney studios in California and listened
to the music written for Mary Poppins,
the bouncy songs all had a vaudeville-
strut quality and the ballads had a
pretty parasol kind of appeal, and they
were all right up my alley. The day I
heard them, I knew I wanted to make
the film, and about six months later,
when I finished in Camelot, 1 returned
10 California to start Mary Poppins.
PLAYBOY: What kind of man was Disney?
ANDREWS: He was a charming man with a
twinkling personality, and he put in an
enormous number of hours at his studio
each weck. Among all of his skills, one of
his great talents was an almost phenom-
enal ability for picking nice people to
work with. His studio had a special
charm—it still does—and at first, you'd
go there slightly cynical because of all
the cartoons and fairy tales he'd pro-
duced, but once you were there, you
discovered that it was filled with nice
people who were all very dedicated to
Walt and to doing a good job. They made
me fecl very comfortable.

PLAYBOY: How comfortable were you the
first time you were in front of a movie
camera?

HINT #16 FROM RCA VIDEODISCS

HOW TO IMPROVE YOUR
SOCIAL LIFE:

If you're leaving singles bars still single, if stereo concerts, sports, the arts—and new releases
you're getting nothing but healthy at the local every month, so you can build quite a collection.
health club—take heart. _ Players start at under $300, and W

With the magic of the E m=] are as low as $14.98. —
RCA VideoDisc System, you'll The Systemis so
have great opening lines to help easy even a not-so-
you make new friends. Like, l| smooth operator can
*Want me to show you my Bogart operate it and RCA
collection?" Or, "Rod Stewarta > VideoDiscs play
He's at my = — ОГ any brand of CED
place!” Or even, videodisc player and on
“Like to come any TV set. But only
over and watch — == RCA has the variety to
me play put real magic in your
Superman?” social life.

RCA VideoDiscs can satisfy even the most And if you need a break from all your new-
demanding women. Show Airplane to get things found popularity, have a night in with the boys to
off the ground with Gloria. Use The Godfather to watch Muhammad Ali or Dirty Harry.

шу psu make Donna an offer she See your nearest RCA dealer now and find
W STIR CRAZY | can't refuse. Mix it up out just how much magic you can bring home.
with Stacey over What you do after that is up to you.

Stir Crazy. Get Patty

to say "yes" to Dr. No. ne У | |

RCA VideoDiscs

have over 250 fantastic programs you can VideoDiscs

bring home right now. There are movies, Brin " the Ma, gic Home

PLAFBOY

ANDREWS: I wasn’t comfortable at all. The
first day of filming was very scary, be-
cause Га thought that maybe I had to do
something very special on film, but 1
gradually realized that there was no spe-
cial magic to it. If one just said one's
lines and was fairly genuine about it,
the next day's dailies didn't look too
terrible.
PLAYBOY: How did you feel about leaving
New York for Hollywood?
ANDREWS: That wasn't a probl in any
way. Hollywood seemed bigger, brighter
and—I felt this—a little bit more per-
manent than New York. To me, the joy
was getting up early every morning and
from 6:30 A.M. to about 7:30 A.M. ex-
iencing what seemed like an English
spring. At that hour, there's a wonderful
dampness over the whole city, and there
are flowers everywhere and they smell
good. It's such a pretty place, and having
come from Broadway, at first 1 wondered
how anyone could work seriously there,
because everything's done at such a fran-
tic pace in New York. And then I real-
ized that the pulse of California beats a
little slower, but the work done there is
no less serious. It's just done at a hap-
pier, lazier pace.
PLAYBOY: In spite of the Janguorous pace
you've just described, weren't you soon
working harder than ever?
ANDREWS: Well, I didn't find moviemak-
ing as demanding as Broadway, but, yes,
1 was very busy. After Mary Poppins, 1
went right into The Americanization of
Emily and then into The Sound of
Music. The interesting thing was that all
three films were completed before any of
them was released. I'd been in Holly-
wood for two years, and the fun was that
1 wasn't yet being judged for anything. I
was having the Lest time. I was making
all these wonderful movies, and all 1 had
10 do was enjoy doing them, because they
weren't out yet. 1 would have been hap-
py if they'd stayed in the can.
PLAYBOY: You had по curiosity about
how you'd be received?
ANDREWS: | swear to God, no. And as far
as their release was concerned, I felt
trepidation rather than impatience. And
then all three movies came out within
months of one another, and it was as if
a tidal wave had hit me, because I was
suddenly in enormous demand for inter-
iews. It was just a wacky time of my life.
PLAYBOY: Did you feel any sense of vindi-
cation when your performance in Mary
Poppins beat Audrey Hepburn's in Му
Fair Lady for an Academy Award?
ANDREWS: Weil, J didn't feel it was neces-
sarily because of the film. I think there
was a lot of public sentiment involved,
and when 1 accepted the award, I said
something like “You sure know how to
make a girl feel welcome.” I felt that
Hollywood had given me a valid wel-

1M come to the movie industry.

PLAYBOY: Didn't you say something a Jot
more trenchant when you received а
Golden Globe award for Mary Poppins?
ANDREWS: You do do your homework,
don't you? Yes, when I was given the
Golden Globe. I thanked my family, the
people I'd worked with on the film, and
then I said, “And most of all, I want to
thank Jack Warner, who made it all
possible in the first place" In other
words, il Warner hadn't turned me
down for My Fair Lady, Y wouldn't have
been able to make Mary Poppins. Well,
my little speech was greeted by a deathly
hush. As I mentioned earlier, when 1
do occasionally make the odd funny re-
mark, people don’t expect it and don’t
quite know how to take it. Jack Warner
was sitting right there in front of me,
and I remember thinking that I'd really
blown it. Mercifully, after about ten
seconds of silence, there was а tremen-
dous roar and a lot of applause.

PLAYBOY: Werc you tempted to repeat
that remark at the Academy Awards?
EDWARDS: If I can get back into this
conversation, let me just say that Julie
ncver repeats herself. Which is a shame,
because about once every five years, she'll
come up with a line that's just beautiful.
PLAYBOY: Nice of you to say so. Since
you've known her ten years, give us her
two best lines.

EDWARDS: I could probably give you ten.
Remember my mention of the news-
paperwoman who implied that Julie,
Rock Hudson and I were carrying on
together? Well, one day, Julie said that
if that woman ever needed heart surgery,
she hoped the doctors would go in
through her fcet. Another time, a friend
of ours told us she'd accidentally
slammed the door on the finger of a
woman we all had reason to dis
Julie said, “Too bad it wasn't her
tongue.”

ANDREWS: As you may have gathered by
now, Blake is a lot swifter in that de-
partment than I am. 1 particularly liked
what he said after Sue Mengers, a heavily
built Hollywood agent, saw S. O. B. and
decided that the Shelley Winters charac-
ter was modeled after herself. She said,
“An Alp should only fall on their house.
Blake said that would be preferable to
Sue Mengers’ falling on our house.
PLAYBOY: Was S. O. B. successful?

ANDREWS: In terms of money, yes; it
cleared its cost. Critically, it was a huge
success. Critics either loved it or loathed
it, but among the press people we re-
spect, it was very, very much admired.
PLAYBOY: Alter viewing that film, Blake,
a number of critics seemed to conclude
that much of your humor is sadistic. Is it?
EDWARDS: Only some of it isthe part
that derives from slapstick and people
like Charlie Chaplin and Laurel and
Hardy.

ANDREWS: That's the kind of comedy that
always gets the biggest laughs.

EDWARDS: It always got my biggest laughs.
I remember watching Chaplin play a
pawnbroker's assistant, and some poor
guy comes in and hands him a clock he
wants to hock. Well, Chaplin examines
the clock so thoroughly that he winds up
taking it completely apart and then has
no idea how to put it back together
again. Having destroyed it, he gives it
back to the customer, and though this is
a silent movie, you can almost hear
Chaplin telling the guy, "Sorry, were
not interested in buying this from you."
"The man is obviously upset that Chaplin
has ruined his clock and begins protest-
ing—and while he continues to argue,
Chaplin reaches down. picks up a ham-
mer and hits him right between the eyes.
When I saw that scene, I fell off my
chair, so I knew where my humor was
coming from. The sadistic aspect of that
Chaplin bit makes me laugh, and I think
that’s OK, because there's a great dil-
ference between drama and comedy. You
wouldn't believe Chaplin's action in a
drama; in a comedy, you know that no-
body's getting hurt—that’s the difference.
And that’s also the wonderful thing
about comedy: It allows you to get rid
of a lot of aggression.
ANDREWS: It's a kind of relief. Why else
would you get laughs if someone fell
down and damned near broke an ankle?
EDWARDS: Comedy is deeply personal for
me; it’s just a simple matter of whether
or not I think something's funny. You
can go to see a drama, and a lot of
things can save the movie. A truly great
performance can do it, or there can be
one fantastic sequence or even a terrific
score can attract a lot of attention. When
it comes to comedy, things are more
basic: If it isn't funny, your picture's
no good.
PLAYBOY: In the past few years, a number
of youth-oriented comedies such as Ani-
mal House, Caddyshack and Stripes have
proved to be massive money-makers, yet
they seem almost amateurish compared
with the films you make. Do they strike
you that way, too?
EDWARDS; 1 really feel that they're sopho-
moric and that the audience for them
change, because kids grow up very
fast. I'm not sure that that kind of
humor will remain. It’s something for
me that’s just as untraditional and
sophomoric as Saturday Night Live; Pm
not a great fan, because it doesn’t make
me laugh a lot. I think there are un-
necessarily cruel moments in that show,
and I mean real sniping at people, which
doesnt amuse me. I think my kind of
humor is the kind of traditional humor
that can always make people laugh.
Inevitably, even the kids who turn on to
Saturday Night Live will still laugh at
the Buster Keatons and the Laurel and
Hardys.
PLAYBOY: At the same time, however, if

Myers’. The first collection
f luxury rums

Miniature model sailing ships,

pem . French
ship. И:

Et Guard zining sip

La Reale, French cargo ship.

MYERS'S PLATINUM WHITE. MYERS’S ORIGINAL DARK. MYERS’S GOLDEN RICH.
Exquisitely smooth and born to The deep, dark ultimate in rich А uniquely rich taste inspired by
m. With a subtle richness that rum taste. The Beginning ofthe Myers s Original Dark. Superbly
y conte from Myers. | Myers's Flavor Legend. smooth and beautifully mixable.

The taste is priceless.

—
ERS RAMS, 80 PROOF, FRED L MYERS & SON CO. OI DARK IMPORTED МӘ BOTTLED IN BATTRE: MO. PLATINUM ИНТЕ AND GOLDEN RICK PRODUCED М ARECIBO, PR.
—
1

PLAYBOY

half of the 40,000,000 fans of Saturday
Night Live go to see their TV favorites
іп a movie, some studio is going to rake
in $100,000,000 at the box office.
EDWARDS: But that’s so stupid, because
studio executives have always thought
like that and it doesn't necessarily work.
I remember when Liberace was a big hit
on television and movie executives were
walking around saying, “My God, do
you know how many people Liberace
draws at his performances? Whatever
city he goes to, he’s sold out. If we get
just the people who go to his concerts,
we've got a 5100,000,000 gross on our
hands.” So they made a Liberace picture
and it fell right on its ass. And they
continually do that kind of thing. It’s
like the old story about the early days of
Universal Studios. Some genius up there
said, "A movie with a boy and a dog
always sells, and a picture with two nuns
in it has made a lot of money, so let's
put ‘em all together and we'll really have
a hit.” What he had was the failure of
all time. Studios are notorious for hiring
second-rate executives, and their biggest
complaint is that we don’t have an audi-
ence anymore. But that's not true; we
don't have the movies anymore! Studio
guys love to talk about demographics
and how only young people go to the
movies, and yet when someone makes a
film like The Turning Point—which
wasn't for kids—older people come out
in droves to see it.

PLAYBOY: Are you at all optimistic about
the possibility that there will be more
Turning Points and fewer Caddyshacks
in the near future?

EDWARDS: For the most part, no. I think
it's going to get worse before it gets
better.

PLAYBOY: Does that tend to make you
feel like a kind of Hollywood dinosaur?
EDWARDS: Sometimes.

ANDREWS: There are a few dinosaurs left,
which is hopeful.

EDWARDS: Well, as long as they're classy
dinosaurs, darling. Тһе kind with a great
deal of panache.

ANDREWS: Since we're talking about com-
edy and comedy films, let me tell you
about something that really bugs me and
confuses me. In his early days, I really
didn't like Woody Allen at all; his
movies seemed a little sophomoric, and
then, suddenly, he turned around and
got better and better, and I think his
three latest films have been great. I
recognize that he's really learned a lot
and come a long way, but what really
blows my mind is that I've recently seen
some of his old ones, and now I think
they really weren't so bad. Am I re-
evaluating him because he's successful,
or ain I looking back and sccing qualities
I didn't recognize then? Have I opened
my head a little? Do you know what I'm

116 trying to say, Blake?

EDWARDS: Yeah, I do. I can look back on
some of the things he did that I didn't
particularly care for then but that I like
now. I think he was probably doing
something we weren't particularly famil-
iar with and n't relate to that well,
and maybe we've since grown along with
Woody. He is a very talented man, and
Ithink his first films were infinitely more
individual than my first films were.
ANDREWS: Well, I think Woody was al-
lowed to do his growing up and matur-
ing in public, but if you had done that,
Blake, you would absolutely have been
nailed for it.

EDWARDS: But I grew up in public, too,
darling. I just think he was perceived
to be far more individual, and I was
perceived to be а В director who was not
particularly talented—and then J grew
up. And I think perhaps that's why
Woody became the darling of the in-
dustry and I didn’t.

PLAYBOY: If we can break in on this,
would you mind telling us what the
problem with Woody Allen seems to be?
ANDREWS: I don’t have a problem with
Woody. I'm just being a loyal wife, that's
all.

EDWARDS: And I'm trying to be objective
about myself. I wandered around in this
business for a long time not fully aware
that I was searching for something. I
grew up late in terms of really having
something to say, and I'm beginning to
say it now. I think I'll probably be get-
ing more recognition as time goes on,
because I'm making better movies. 1
really don't compare myself with Woody
Allen or talk about it, except that Julie
brought it up, probably because she
suddenly thought, Why does Woody
Allen get certain-
ANDREWS: Kudos!
EDWARDS: Right. Why does Woody get
certain kudos and my husband does not,
and I think my husband is equally
talented. Right, Julie? [Andrews smiles
in appreciation; Edwards is being lightly
sardonic] Well, my wife and I agree
totally. We know, don’t we, darling?
ANDREWS: Oh, shut up.

PLAYBOY: Blake, you're currently at the
top of your game as a writer-producer-
director, but you originally broke into
movies as ап actor. Do you think you'll
ever act again?

EDWARDS: No. You couldn't get me to.
ANDREWS: He's such a good actor, too.
EDWARDS: Never, never, never.

PLAYBOY: When was the last time you
tried?

EDWARDS: God, I don't know. lt's been
years. 1 remember doing bits in Opera-
lion Petticoat and The Great Race.
ANDREWS: Your last tantrum was pretty
good.

EDWARDS: He's asking about professional
acting.

ANDREWS: Oh, I see.

PLAYBOY: We have no doubt that it was
a professional performance.

ANDREWS: Oh, listen, it was am Oscar-
winning performance.

EDWARDS: Oscar Homolka.

PLAYBOY: While we don't doubt that you
have a barely controllable temper, Blake,
it seems to us that success may have taken
the edge off your anger. Are you as
angry as ever?

EDWARDS: No, and it’s a blessing, My life
is much more comfortable now.

PLAYBOY: What's responsible for this sud-
den pacification program?

EDWARDS: I've grown up a little bit. I'm
not as much of a child as I used to be,
and I've finally gotten wise enough to
realize that anger is destructive. Also,
Га prefer my remaining years on this
earth to be as comfortable as possible,
and since a lot of things I can't control
are going to make my life uncomfortable,
why add to them? So I'm just trying to
be as happy as I know how and to live
for the moment—and to do the best I
can at the moment.

PLAYBOY: What do you see for yourself
in the future?

EDWARDS: I think there will come a time
when I stop directing and write ех-
clusively, and then do what I really love
to do, which is to paint.

ANDREWS: Blake is a terrific, very diverse
and very talented painter. He's not
afraid to experiment, and he can do
everything from a very good portrait of
a member of the family to something ut-
terly abstract and extraordinary. This
peculiar, very special mercurial gentle-
man emerges in whatever he chooses to
do.

PLAYBOY: Do you ever fume at the easel,
Blake?

EDWARDS: No, I do not fume at the easel.
In fact, I'm more comfortable at the
easel than I am at the typewriter.
PLAYBOY: While you're daubing away
contentedly, Blake, what do you think
Julie will be up to?

EDWARDS: Oh, she's going to be the Ethel
Barrymore of Gstaad.

ANDREWS: I will probably change into
some grand old lady for my kids and
that will be the extent of my acting.
[Suddenly starts laughing] Actually, I
know exacily how it's going to be. Blake
will be painting all the time and com-
ing up with great wonders, and I shall
be stumbling along, still trying to keep
up with him, still trying to figure him
out and still utterly amazed. at all that
he produces. I can see it now; things
won't have changed that much, you sce.
PLAYBOY: One final question, Julie.
ANDREWS: What, what, what?

PLAYBOY: Do you really think your hus-
band has put all his demons to rest?
ANDREWS: Beats the shit out of me.

WHAT SORT OF MAN READS PLAYBOY?

Intersections of lives, ideas, even streets interest him. He courts happenstance, since a
foolish consistency is the gridlock of shackled minds. That's why his travels are extensive—
PLAYBOY readers travel 3.8 billion miles a month. And that’s why he'll offer a hand on the
Sidewalk, pause a few seconds getting to know someone he may encounter only
once. But then, he's the sort that people meet by chance and meet again by choice.

WITH ENOUGH
SHOVELS

article
By ROBERT SCHEER

A FUNDAMENTAL CHANGE has occurred in the U.S.
since the election of 1980: Our leaders during
the time of Ronald Reagan have come to plan
for waging and winning a nuclear war with
the Soviet Union, and they are obsessed with a
strategy of confrontation—including nuclear
brinkmanship—that aims to force the Soviets to
shrink their empire and fundamentally alter
their society.

That obsession has gone beyond the discussion
stage. President Reagan had been in office less
than a year when he approved a secret plan to

how the u.s. government
has come under the control of men
who believe that nuclear war
can be waged and won

PLAYBOY

provide the U.S. with the capability to
win a protracted nuclear war. This plan,
outlined in a so-called National Security
Decision Document (N.S.D.D), com-
mitted the U.S., for the first time, to the
idea that a nuclear war could be won.

"Nuke war.“ as Louis О. Giuffrida,
whom Reagan had named head of the
Federal Emergency Management Agency
(FEMA), calls it, has come to be dis-
cussed not only as a war that can be won
but as a war consistent with the preser-
vation of ilization. “It would be a
terrible mess, but it wouldn’t be unman-
ageable,” Giuffrida told ABC News. Or,
as his assistant in charge of the civil-
defense program, William Chipman, put
it when I asked him if democracy and
other U.S. institutions would survive all-
out nuclear war with the Soviet Union:
“I think they would eventually, yeah.
As І say, the ants eventually build an-
other anthill.”

The idea that “nuke war" is sur-
vivable begins with the assertion that an
effective civil defense is possible. Propo-
nents of this view in the Reagan Ad-
ministration claim that civil defense can
protect the Russian population and,
therefore, that Soviet military planners
think they can survive and win a nu-
clear war. According to Reagan and his
people, this confidence is one important
reason for the Soviet military build-up
and for our own urgent need to close
the "window of vulnerability"—Rea-
вап phrase to describe the presumed
vulnerability of the U.S. to a Soviet first
strike. Ergo, the renewed interest in
America's civil defense, massive military
spending and new Pentagon plans for
waging a protracted nuclear war—what
Reagan calls “the rearming of America.”

That attitude results іп part from the
growing sophistication of nuclear weap-
ons in the arsenals of both superpowers:
weapons that can do more than destroy
heavily populated areas; weapons whose
control and accuracy are, theoretically,
so refined that they tempt their makers
to think they can be detonated not only
as weapons of genocide or countergeno-
сійе but as if they were conventional
weapons, to take out selected enemy tar-
gets in a war that would be fought on a
limited or, at least, a less tham cata-
strophic basis. In other words, a war
with winners as well as losers.

Combined with this view is the idea
that détente has not served us well, that
the Soviets have not accepted its terms
but have, in fact, gained nuclear superi
ority. This argument was advanced by
President Reagan, despite substantial
disagreement among experienced people
who had studied the question, as one
justification for his 1.6-trillion-dollar
five-year military program.

Whatever its inherent defects, as long.

120 as we lived in the era of détente, with

s seemingly endless arms control nego-
tiations and other complex dealings be-
tween the superpowers, most Americans
found it relatively easy to avoid think-
ing about nuclear annihilation. There
was comfort in the knowledge that
somewhere in the midst of the inter-
minable SALT talks our respective
leaders were trying to cut whatever deal
was possible in the interest of their, and
our, survival. One assumption of the
détente period was that no matter how
awful the other fellow might be, he still
didn't want to commit nuclear suicide;
the instinct for self-preservation would
win out over nationalist and ideological
obsessions.

The notion that nuclear war means
mutual suicide had for years been a basis
of détente and arms-control negotia-
ions. It became obvious, however, as
Reagan installed his people im high
places, that all this had changed as many
of the highly vociferous critics of détente
and arms control moved into positions
of authority іп Washington, and at-
tempts to live with the Soviets became
more scorned than honored.

As we shall see, a Cold War cabal of
unreconstructed hawks and neohawks
who had never been fully at ease with
the arms-control efforts of the Nixon,
Ford and Carter Administrations sud-
denly came into its own. The members
of this group categorically reject peace-
ful coexistence with the Soviet Union
as that country is now constituted. They
seek instead—through confrontation,
through the use of political and eco-
nomic pressure and through the threat
of military weapons—to alter radically
the nature of Soviet society. They as-
sume, as Reagan has stated, that “the
Soviet Union underlies all the unrest
that is going on. If they weren’t engaged
in this game of dominoes, there
wouldn't be any hot spots in the world.”
Convinced that the nuclear-arms race is
dangerous not in itself but only if the
Soviets gain “superiority,” they have
shifted the emphasis of American for-
eign policy fom the avoidance of nu-
dear war to the preparation for its
possible outbreak.

If the extent to which this change
occurred went widely unremarked at
first, it was not because these men were
secretive about their beliefs: As Eugene
V. Rostow, Reagan's Director of the Arms
Control and Disarmament Agency, had
written before being selected for this
important post, "We are living in a pre-
war and not a postwar world." Other
statements by officials of the Reagan
Government have been just as direct.
For example, we are now committed to
what Deputy Secretary of Defense Frank
Carlucci III, in his Senate confirmation
hearing, called a “nuclear-war-fighting
capability.” a position that presupposes

that nuclear war can be kept limited,
survivable and winnable.

In 1981, Secretary of Defense Caspar
Weinberger told the House Budget
Committee that the Reagan Administra-
tion would expand the U.S. capability
for deterring or prosecuting [italics
global war with the Soviet
Hallway through Reagan's first
year in office, Weinberger presented the
President with a defensespending plan
by which the U.S. could gain nuclear
superiority over the Soviet Union within
this decade. The goal, according to sen-
ior Pentagon officials, was to build a
capacity to fight nuclear wars ranging
from a limited strike to an all-out ex-
change.

One of those who helped shape Rea-
gan's war-fighting views was former Har-
vard historian Richard Pipes. In 1978,
before he was appointed the senior
Soviet specialist on Reagan's National
Security Council staff, Pipes criticized
the nuclear war plans of previous Ad-
ministrations, both Republican and
Democratic, because “deeply embedded
in all our plans is the notion of pui
ing the aggressor rather than defeating
him." Or, as Secretary of Energy James
B. Edwards put it, in а nuclear war, "I
want to come out of it number onc, not
number two."

In a telephone interview with me in
the fall of 1981, Charles Kupperman, a
Reagan appointee to the Arms Control
and rmament Agency, said that "i
is possible for any society to survive" a
nuclear war. He added that "nuclear
war is a destructive thing but still in
large part a physics problem."

Reagan's first year was continually
marked by such comments about waging
nuclear war in some form or other.
The President himself claimed that it
would be possible to keep a nuclear war
on the European continent limited to a
tactical exchange, thereby making West-
ern Europeans more nervous than they
had been in some time.

When word of thc Administration's
stance toward nuclear war began to
emerge, it caused а powerful sense of
alarm among the general public, both
in this country and abroad. By the end
of Reagan's first year, public opinion
polls were showing that proposals for a
bilateral freeze оп additional nuclear
weapons were being approved by two-
to-one margins. Demonstrations involv-
ing hundreds of thousands of people
protesting the nucleararms race took
place in Europe and the U.S. Whatever
else Reagan and his aides accomplished,
they great stimulated. the dormant
peace movement in the free world and
gave the Russians a fine opportunity to
trumpet the fact that the U.S. was the
more bellicose of the two superpowers,

"I sent out scratch-and-sniff Christmas cards to all my customers.”

121

PLAYBOY

the greater threat to human survival.

By the spring of 1982, the Administra-
tion realized that it had got itself into
deep trouble on this issue and began to
alter its public posture. It was then that
Reagan floated his so-called START
proposal. START stands for strategic-
armsreduction talks and represents a
replay of Reagan's successful ploy in his
preelection debate with Carter, when
he called for bilateral arms reductions
in an effort to counter Carter's portrayal
ol Reagan as a warmonger.

The Soviets were not likely to accept
Reagan’s proposal, because it would take
from them half of their ICBM force
while leaving ours relatively undisturbed.
Former Secretary of State Edmund
Muski in fact, suggested that START

“may be a secret agenda for sidetracking
disarmament while the United States
gets on with rearmament—in а hopcless
quest for superiority in these things.
Even so, the proposal made for good
public relations.

With the START announcement, the
Administration showed that it had
learned its lesson and thereafter would
try not to alarm the public as it built
up its strategic arms. From then on,
there would be little public talk about
nudear-war fighting. The interviews by
journalists with top Administration offi-
cial on nuclear war fighting and sur-
vival would be harder to come by. At
Jeast, that was the plan; but such pro-
found changes in U.S. defense strategy
as were being conceived in the Defense
Department and the White House were
bound to Ісак out and would raise scri
ous questions about the Administration's
intent in the START talks.

In May, a United Press International
report by Helen Thomas stated, “A
senior White House official said Reagan
approved an eight-page national-security
document that ‘undertakes a campaign
aimed at internal reform in the Soviet
Union and shrinkage of the Soviet em-
pire.” He affirmed that it could be called
‘a full-court press against the Soviet
Union.” (A full-court press is a basket-
ball expression that describes an attempt
to wrest the ball away from one’s орро-
nent in his own territory.)

"That remarkable statement reflects
the views of Pipes, who had said early
іп 1981 that "Soviet leaders would have
to choose between peacefully changing
their Communist system . . . or going to
war.” At the time, the Administration
had sought to downplay Pipes's state-
ment, but by the spring of 1982, his
view seemed to have become ofhcial
policy.

Оп May 30, a week after that U. P. I.
story, New York Times Pentagon cor-
respondent Richard Halloran broke the

122 story of the 1982 five-year Defense

Guidance Plan. His article began with
the following statement:

Defense Department policy mak-
ers, in a new five year defense plan,
have accepted the premise that nu-
clear conflict with the Soviet Union
could be protracted and have drawn
up their first strategy for fighting
such a war.

The document was signed by Wein-
berger. It outlined the strategy to be
pursued by the Pentagon for the next
five years and was intended as a general
guide for the next decade as well.

It would be difficult to exaggerate the
implications of this strategy document,
for it resolves a debate in the highest
councils of Government and places the
U.S., for the first time, squarely on the
side of those extremists in this country
and in the Soviet Union who believe in
the possibility of fighting and winning
a protracted nuclear war. As the Times
put it:

The nature of nuclear war has
been a subject оГ intense debate
among political leaders, defense spe-
cialists and military officers. Some
assert that there would be only опе
allout mutually destructive ex-
change. Others argue that a nuclear
war with many exchanges could be
fought over days and wecks.

Тһе outcome of the debate will
shape the weapons, communications
and strategy for nuclear forces. The
civilian and military planners, hav-
ing decided that protracted nuclear
war is possible, say that American
nuclear forces "must prevail and be
able to force the Soviet Union to
seek carliest termination of hos-

ой terms favorable to the

The nuclear-war strategy outlined in
the document aims at the decapitation’
of the Soviet political leadership, as well
as at preventing communication between
the leadership and the forces in the field.
It specifies further that the Chinese
would be granted military assistance to
keep Soviet forces pinned down on
Russia's eastern border. In addition,
psychological-warfare, sabotage and guer-
rilla-warlare operations would be im-
proved. All of that presumably has to do
with the full court press on the Soviet

1 underscored the significance
of this Adm s departure from
the attitudes of its predecessors on the
matter of інісі r fighting when he

In many parts of this document,
the Reagan military planners start-
ed with a blank sheet of paper.
Their views on the possibility of

protracted nuclear war differ from
those of the Carter Administration's
military thinkers, as do their views
on global conventional war and,
particularly, on putting economic
pressure on the Soviet Union.

The Defense Deparument's plan
turbed such experts as Nobel Prize-win-
ning physicist Hans Bethe, who had
headed the theoretical-physics division of
Los Alamos National Laboratory during
the Manhattan Project in World War
Two. Bethe and physicist Kurt Gottfried
wrote that the plan “comes close to a
declaration of war on the Soviet Union
and contradicts and may destroy Presi
dent Reagan's initiatives toward nuclear-
arms control.”

Nor did the professional military unan-
mously applaud these ideologically de-
rived warfighting plans Tor example,
The Washington Post reported on June
19 that General David C. Jones, who had
retired as Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of
Staff, “left office yesterday with the wam-
ing that it would be throwing money in
a ‘bottomless pit’ to try to prepare the
United States for a long nudear war
with the Soviet Union.” The newspaper
said General Jones doubted that a
nuclear exchange between the Soviets
and the United States could be con-
tained without its escalating into an all
out war. According to the article, "''I
don't sec much of a chance of nudear
war being limited or protracted,’ said
Jones, who has pondered various dooms
day scenarios. . . I see great difficulty’
keeping any kind of nuclear exchange
between the United States and the So-
viet Union from escalating.”

Despite the reservations of the general
and of others in and out of the military,
the Reagan Administration reaffirmed its
commitment to programs in support of
protracted nuclear war. In the summer
of 1982, a Pentagon master plan to im-
plement Reagan's strategic policy was
drafted. It lays out military hardware
requirements and nuclear: targeting ad
justinents necessary to wage such a wa

Unlike the Defense Guidance Plan,
which is an internal Pentagon document,
the new master plan, as 1 reported in the
Los Angeles Times, was drawn up in
response to a secret White House di-
rective, a National Sccurity Decision
Document—which ndated that the
Defense Department provide a program
for implementing Reagan's nuclear-war
policy. Reagan's N.S.D.D. is the first pol
cy statement of a U.S. Administration to
proclaim that U.S. strategic forces must
be able to win a protracted nuclear war.
That goes considerably beyond ea
tendencies toward | nuclear-war-fighting
strategies.

АП post-World War Two Presidents,

(continued on page 154)

HOLIDAY, GO LIGHTLY

flying south for the winter? here's how to wing it stylishly

aitire By DAVID PLATT

S INCE THE POINT ol a midwinter getaway is relaxation, it's you're going; nevertheless, there are several short cuts you
odd that so many eager vacationers pack up their trou- сап take that will help make light work of your great escape.
bles with overloaded suitcases that turn the toter into a beast For example, a lightweight, neutrally colored suit that can
of burden. Of course, how much you stuff into your old kit be worn with a shirt and tie or separately as а jacket and
bag depends on how long you're going to be away and where slacks will sce you through most social occasions. (in posh

PHOTOGRAPHY BY ROBERTO ROCCO

Above: Our Robinson Crusoe ond his girl Friday obviously aren't strangers іп paradise, and we can see why, what with his wearing a
cattan waffle-knit shart-sleeved shirt with rib-knit callor, snap placket clasure, raglan sleeves, zippered breast pocket and rib-knit trim,
$27.50, with а pair of canon chintz slacks that have an elasticized weist and slightly tapered legs, $35, both by Pierre Cardin. 123

Above: This polyester/wool suit with a jacket thet has notch
lopels and flap patch pockets, by Austin Reed of Regent
Street, 5225, packs easily and snaps bock into shape with
а minimum of wrinkles. It's worn with о cotton spread-collar
shirt, $32.50, and a multicolor silk taffeta bow tie, $12.50,
both by Ron Chereskin. Below: A multicolor polyester/cot-
ton sport shirt with rib-knit collar ond two-bution placket
closure, $24, combined with a poir of lined polyester/
cotton swim trunks/tennis shorts, $23, both by Jantzen.

: The fashion word to the wise when heading South with your favorite
travel light—and tors exactly what this chop has done, as he's com-

bined a cotton oversized pullover featuring a round neck with off-center
zipper plocket, two full front pleats and on-seam pockets, by David Leong,
$80, with the trousers from the Austin Reed suit pictured at left. Smart!

WOMEN'S FASHION BY CACHE, WATER TOWER PLACE, CHICAGO

tropical resorts, jacket and tie for dinner are often de
rigueur.) Add a blazer or a white sports jacket and you have
a stylish alternative that can even double as a formal outfit
when coupled with a bow tie. One pair of white athletic
shoes for sports/casual wear and some medium to dark slip-

ons for dressier occasions are all you'll need for footwear.
Several pairs of casual slacks and an equal number of shorts
(pick the kind that can be worn for both tennis and swim-
ming), plus a number of knit shortsleeved pullovers, finish
it up. You get the idea. Go minimal. Think light. Have fun.

|

PHOTOGRAPHEO AT HOTEL VILLA DEL SOL, ZIHUATANEJO, MEXICO

125

Ву DAVID HALBERSTAM

in the interest of finally telling
it like it is and always has been,
please pardon us, howard...

... while we get а word т edgewise

САМЕ with good intentions to Howard. I can swear to

that. Of course, that was many years ago, in the pioncer

days of television, when a minority of households had

color sets, when cable was something you subscribed to

in order to reduce the number of ghosts on the screen,

when the Super Bowl was so young that I could still
understand the Roman numerals and when Monday Night
Football was so new that Howard did not yet keep statistics
on it. We were all younger then: The nation was still at war
in Southeast Asia; Watergate was still a high-class residential
hotel; Walter Cronkite was still Walter Cronkite. How simple
those days now seem.

Howard was already Howard, but not yet Howard. 1
wanted to like him, and, if the truth were to be told, I was
excited the first time I met him. Not that he was a journal-
istic hero to me; we ought to be clear on that. I had already
spent five years covering racial tensions in the South and
some three years in the Congo and Vietnam, and my jour-
nalistic heroes were made of stronger stuff—men like Homer
Bigart, Harrison Salisbury and Ed Murrow. But Howard
interested me. I was a serious sports freak, and Howard was
more outspoken than the other announcers of the Sixties; he
had stood up for Muhammad Ali, whom I greatly admired,
at a time when most of the sports establishment, including
its media annex, had turned on him, Howard in those days
seemed only mildly excessive, no more out of control than
a number of the interesting figures on national television,
and he seemed, as well—and this was at the core of it—to
be about something.

I have a clear memory of watching a Yankees game опе
afternoon and of the game's being delayed because of rain.

Jerry Coleman, an ex-Yankee player and by then an an-
nounccr of unusual banality, was trying to kill time during
the delay by interviewing Howard. “Howard,” he asked,
it true that there is racism in major league baseball
man, who had played on lily-white New York teams when
the Yankees were one of the most racist organizations in
baseball, apparently did not know what he had been a part
of. Howard quickly assured Jerry that, yes, there had been
racism and, yes, there still was. But even more than the
answer, it was the question that made me like Howard: Not
only was there an edge to him but he was a clear comparison
gainer in his profession. That is, he gained by comparison
with his colleagues in that he was not Jerry Coleman, Curt
Gowdy, Tony Kubek or Joe Garagiola. If I did not so much
like Howard (and I think I rather did), I certainly disliked
the people who did not like him, for I felt that the shadow
of race hung over much of their antagonism.

Then we met. The occasion was a book party for Roger
Kahn's The Boys of Summer held at the Tavern on the
Green in March 1972. By chance, two nights earlier, 1 had
been lecturing at a small college in Concordia, Kans:
afterward, I had gone out drinking with a few local people.
Seeking a common thread to connect us, we had started talk-
ing about professional football and, inevitably, Howard. I
Jater mentioned this to him, pointing out that professional
football, because of its network coverage, had become part of
the sinew of the nation. Howard did not get my point.

“They hated me, didn't they?” he said of my Concordia
colleagues.

“No,” I said, “not at all. They were interested in you. It
was part of what we had in common. In another day, we

ILLUSTRATIONS BY BILL NELSON 129

PLAYBOY

might have talked about a politi
an actor. Now it’s someone like you.

“They all hate me,” he insisted.

"I don't think that's what it was,” I
s But then we drifted apart in the
crush of a cocktail party. It had been a
perfectly pleasant meeting. A bit odd,
perhaps, but perfectly pleasant.

The second time I met Howard was
at Gay Talese’s house, also in 1972.
Howard, it turned out, was interested
in finding someone to ghostwrite his
autobiography. He had asked Talese.
who was busy on other projects, and
Talese, in turn, had generously sug-
gested me. I was just finishing up The
Best and the Brightest, 1 was broke and
I was a sports fan. I was also wary of
being anyone's ghostwriter, but the idea
was, at the least, intriguing, since the
ghost would get, it was said, six figures
for not very much work.

The evening on which I did not be-
come Howard’s ghostwriter turned out
to be a disaster. The Howard you sce on
the air is pretty much the Howard you
get in person, with onc exception—on
the air, he is more controlled. There is
а reason for this. Howard is immensely
demanding of attention—celebrity came
Jate to him and, unlike most athletes or
stars who attain it early, he still finds it
almost desperately meaningful. When he
is on the air, his audience may be
20,000,000 people, and he feels reas
sured. But after that, no normal dinner
party, no matter who attends, will ever
be an adequate audience. Attention, as
Arthur Miller wrote, must be paid.

The gentlest word I can use to de-
scribe Howard on that night is over-
bearing. He knew everyone. He not only
knew them, they were dear friends. He
was thinking of going into news report-
ing. Ed Murrows name was used to
explain the kind of commentator he
would be. He was thinking of running
for political office—the U.S. Senate, per-
haps. He had the inside story on every-
thing. No one else managed to talk, and
such a monopoly on conversation is not
easily accomplished in a room contain-
ing three or four highly egocentric writ-
ers. Howard dominated because he had
to dominate; it seemed to mean so much
to him. That night, it was exhausting to
be with him; more than anyonc I know,
he sucks the oxygen out of a room.

Near the end of the evening, I asked
Howard what he thought about Jim
Bouton, who had just gone to work for
the ABC station in New York. I had
liked Bouton's book Ball Four and
hoped that the same irreverent style
might work on a local news show.

Howard shook his head when 1 men-
tioned Bouton's name. "Jimmy is, 1 am
afraid . . ." and there was a long, por-
tentous pause. Howard's voice went to

130 what I like to call its half-mast tone, the

one he uses on the air when he an-
nounces the deaths of 80-year-old former
athletes who were close friends of his.
“A small property,” he concluded.

1 had never before heard one jour-
nalist call another a property, and at
first, I was surprised. I also did not like
it. "Howard, are you a property, too?”
1 asked.

There was a long silence. “Yes,” he
said, and he said it angrily, because he
dearly did not like my question. “But
I'ma big one.

The next day, independent of each
other, Howard and I both called Talese
to tell him that collaboration on a book
was not a good idea.

О

In the decade that followed, some-
thing terrible happened: 1 turned on
Howard. J want to make clear that J did
not, in departing from Howard, join the
Dick Young battalion. Dick Young is a
sportswriter (for the New York Daily
News until recently, when he jumped a
contract to go to the New York Post) who
has had a long and bitter feud with
Howard. Young, who calls him “Howie
the Shill,” seemed to me to symbolize
the first generation of Howard haters:
those who did not like him because of
his coverage of racial conflict and be-
cause—inevitably and almost flagrant-
ly—Howard symbolized within sports
the rise of the television superstar over
the print superstar. Young scemed to me
as unpalatable as ever—angry toward
the young and toward many blacks, re-
sentful of greater player freedom. A
plague on both their egos, I thought,
and remembered what а sportswriting
colleague had once told me. His idea of
hell for each of them was a place where
Dick Young turned on the television set
and found that every channel was ABC
and where Howard found that the only
paper was the Daily News.

I, on the other hand, belonged to the
second wave of Howard detractors:
those who had once been favorably in-
clined toward him but who now saw him
in a new light, as a symbol of the excess
that television had wrought upon sports,
of the assault upon civility and texture
that the tube, with its need for action
and event, demanded. As a result of
tclevision’s influence, there were now
100 many McEnroes, Steinbrenners,
Reggics and Billys, whose excessive be-
havior was rewarded by ever bigger [ces
and commercial endorsement The
Howard who emerged in that decade as
Monday Night Football became more
and more successful was a monster. His
insecurities, which had once made him
interesting and irreverent, now made
him seem heavy and ponderous. The
bully in him was more evident now.

By the end of the decade, һе had be-
come the cartoon his enemies had much

earlier drawn of him. Where once he
had challenged the sports establishment,
now he was a principal figure in it,
ranking just below Pete Rozelle, our
minister of sports, but certainly far
above most owners, coaches and athletes.
As he had grown more powerful, he had
also grown more reverential; he still
gave interviews and lectures critical of
the importance of sports in American
life; but in his basic three-hour prime-
time appearance each week, Howard
hyped sports with more frenzy than any-
one else. Now he shilled shamelessly for
his network, for its principal event,
Monday Night Football, and for his
boss, Roone Arledge. Now по major
figure in sports, no matter how ques-
tionable his values or practices, could
appear on Monday night with Howard
without being referred to as a dear or
close friend. Usually, it would turn out,
Howard had dined with him just the
night before. With the powerful, he
flattered and was flattered in return.

Something, clearly, had been lost.
Where in his earlier incarnation How-
ard had seemed to be about something—
about injustice and inequity—now it
seemed that injustice in sports had
ended as he had achieved celebrity and
that Howard, first and foremost, was
about Howard.

For a time, I was perplexed by the
new Howard, the Howard who hung
around the powerful. “I have a lot of
due bills out,” he had announced on
the eve of an ill-fated variety show he
was to host. It was his means of letting
everyone know that he could bring in
the famous and the influential. Had
Howard become an owners’ man? After
all, he had thrown slow-pitch softball to
George Steinbrenner. But then, Howard
was hard on the owners of other teams.
Soon it dawned on me that the ones he
was hard on were losers. And finally, it
became clear: Howard was not an own-
ers“ man; he was a winners’ man. He
wanted, needed, to be with the winners,
as if their success might rub off on him.
Correspondingly, he did not want to be
with losers, fearing, I suspected, failure
by association. With the powerful and
the victorious, he felt confident; with
the defeated, he felt vulnerable.

Now, more and more, he seemed with-
out restraint on the air. He had become
his own historian, and he footnoted
himself faithfully; every broadcast was
now filled with Howard reminding us
endlessly of his insights and of his pre-
dictions that had been fulfilled. (His
predictions were always deftly done—a
couple of positive phrases early in the
show about a player's strength, a light
comment or two about his weaknesses,
so that Howard could go cither way.)
‘There was a theme, and it was this:

(continued on page 242)

for leng winter nights, here's a host of hot drinks liberally laced with ho, һо, ho

BODY WARMERS

drink Ви EMANUEL GREENBERG

NEXT TO A SOFT, pulsating female bod, the niftiest warm-
er known to man is a steaming, soothing noggin of grog.
And there are some who hold that the latter will help
you get closer to the former—being an effective heart
warmer as well as body warmer. Not long ago, hot drinks
were dismissed as quaint amenities that had outlived

their usefulness. But the pendulum swings; today, the
thermal libation is once again in fashion—but with a
significant difference. The heavy cream-, egg and beer-
based mixtures of yore, including wassails, flips and
mulled ales, are being replaced with lighter quaffs. The
impetus for imbibing is alo (continued on page 256)

ILLUSTRATION BY GARY RUOOELL

131

the answer to that constant que
what sort of woman works for playboy?

134

LAYBOY ENTERPRISES has a new President. And wouldn't you know that male-
chauvinist Chairman of the Board Hugh M. Hefner would throw his critics a curve by picking a woman? Not just any
woman, mind you, but his own bright, beautiful feminist daughter, Christie. You've probably seen our new Ms. President
prominently pictured in a recent issue of Life or Fortune, on the cover ol New York or in your own daily newspaper—and
that got us to thinking: Why not do a pictorial tribute to the rest of the distaff staffers here at Playboy? Not the beautiful
Bunnies or the Playmates who are regularly featured on these pages but the nine-to-hve women who work in the Playboy
Building in Chicago and their counterparts in our offices in New York and L.A

‘And why not? You never know until you ask, and when we did, Playboy women responded with enthusiasm.
Assistant Photo Editor Patty Beaudet, who spends part of each week inviting celebrities to pose for rrAvsov, confided, “Е
wanted to put myself on the opposite side for once.” Joanie Schwabe, a publicist who frequently accompanies the stars of our

Trish Miller is the Executive Secretary who keeps
Editorial Director Arthur Kretchmer’s day as
ordered as events permit; above, she takes time out
ta pose beside Chicago’s Buckingham Fountain.

At right, boogieing on the Oak Street Beach, a
mere block from our Chicago offices, are art
intern leslie Adams Цей) and Sue Davey, who
has put her master’s degree in philosophy to work
on a practical level in assisting her boss, who
is naysoy magazine’s Creative Services Director.

pictorials on promotional tours, wanted “а souvenir issue
that I was dii »
lubs International
Fawn Hughes. "We should
do our women. At least the women who do this pictorial
won't be fired, the way some flight attendants wer
Production Assistant Jody Jurgeto did it for the cold, hard
cash, ^to support my expensive ski habit." (Jurgeto is an
award-winning skier.)
Art apprentice Elizabeth (text continued on page 145)

At left, John Mostro, the magazine's Director of Production, with
assistonts Kathy Dooley and Jody Jurgeto. Jody says she found
posing for the shot above left “an ego booster. My mother was all
for it, too." Kothy (above) was flattered to be asked to pose but
steeled herself against teasing from photo finishers with whom she
works (“Неу, Dooley, do you want a lot of freckles in this spot?’

Julene Roth (left and below) knows how to tame beasts.
5һе% an Animal Keeper at Playboy Mansian West. Back

Chicago, Janice Moses (right) is an Associate Phota Edi-
tor, having worked her мау up from a secretarial start
19 years aga: “1 have an executive position that I earned
with energy, talent and dedication, and I'm praud of it.“

Suson Alden (above) a Deportment Secretary with
Playboy Productions in los Angeles, while Debbie Saunders
(right) toils in Chicago as Executive Secretary to PLAYBOY'S
Circulation Director. Before joining pLavsoy, Debbie was in-
timidated by gorgeous women. Now that she has met dozens
‚of them, she can befriend them. We'd say she's one of them.

/

Elizabeth Michaels (above and below), an apprentice іп
PLAYBOY's Editorial Art Department in Chicago, is proud to
work for PLAYBOY: “Му father reads it; | think it's а natianal
institution.” Native Angeleno Bjaye Turner (left) handles the
demanding and varied assignments of Photo Caardinator
at Playbay Studio West; on the side, she’s a party caterer.

8

—

ШШ

E

At left is Karen Ring, оп ex-Bunny who naw directs the
Playbay Preferred program of special bonuses for Club key-
holders. Below is Publicity Coordinator Joanie Schwabe, whose
duties include producing electronic press releases (above).
Observes Joonie: "I love my job so much I feel guilty (“т
not looking for the possibility of something better elsewhere.”

Elsewhere in this issue, you'll read about Playboy's video ventures. Above, two of the
people who make them possible: Ployboy Productions Marketing Services Manager Maryonne
Coury (reprised below) and Senior Administrative Secretary Julionne Flynn (detailed oppo-

site). Maryanne has a master’s degree in psychology;

lulianne's co-owner of a tanning salon.

From the top: Attorney Bess Hochman, coun-
sel for West Coast operations; Gita Mehta,
ап Advertising Soles Secretary in our New
York offices, who's a student of graphic de-
sign, an avid skier and scuba diver; and
Associate Editor Kate Nolan. We asked Kate,
who gets off her share of one-liners, what we
should write about her. "Say that I like sky
diving, taxidermy and hope to be a brain
surgeon when | grow up.” Such a cutup.

Striking о cheeky attitude above is Cheryl
Pauli, Receptionist/Secretary in PLAYBOY'S
Photo Department. Among the supporters
of her inclusion here: Dad and Hubby.

On the job ot Ployboy Mansion West
(obove) ore LeAnn Moen and Amanda
Raymond. Both are Administrotive Secre-
tories, о title LeAnn (getting comfortoble,
left) combines with that of Editorial Co-
ordinotor. Amanda (seen ogoin obove
left) wonts to become а screenwriter.

Ату Paylan-Engle (above), o Senior Accaunt-
ing Clerk in our Chicaga offices, admires her
femole working companions os "bright, ener-
getic and fun. No room for oirheads here.”

If the іссе and the figure at right seem
fomi it's because they belong ta Cannie
Kreski, Miss January 1968, Playmate af the
Year for 1969 and о fectured performer in a
number of movies. Connie's now brightening
avr days by working as о free-lance stylist
at Playboy Studio West in Los Angeles.

Assistant Photo Editor Potty Beoudet (above and top right) із profeminist without being
antimole. She defends her rights without ever jeopardizing her friendships with the reigning
men in the Photo Department. Potty works on many pictoriol feotures for the mogozine; her
favorites are Sex in Cinema ond Sex Stars. Below is Morgie Price, ех-Воппу and now Mon-
ager of the St. Louis Playboy Club, on the job in the Bunny dressing room. Margie told us:
“Playboy has been my family most of my life. I can’t imagine working for another company.”

Michaels saw the photo sessions as much-needed
relief from the nude-figure drawing she's done
for years. “I've always had nudes sit for me,”
she explained. “It's a real ego boost for me to
be the subject for once. And my husband’s been
chasing me around the house ever since!”

How many women does it take to run a
monthly men’s magazine, the Playboy Guides,
Games, a chain of Clubs and now a home-video
complex? Literally, (continued on page 292)

Amy Miller (below) is Senior Historian at Playboy
Mansion West, where her duties include indexing a
vast photographic record of the Ployboy empire. At
left, Amy in conference with boss Hugh M. Hefner.

— s

PHOTOGRAPHY BY KEN MARCUS

146

who wants to grow up if every grownup
is an asshole? especially at christmas

ADUETS

Fiction by

CREE USHER GINS

HRISTOPHER SAT on the ground in the
pine grove with his back up against a
tree and smoked a cigarette that was very
badly bent. Christopher carried the pack
in his right pants pocket because he
thought his mother did not know he smoked, and the
cigarettes got crushed when he moved around. Chris
topher said he was not going to baseball practice.

The lateafternoon sun did not penctrate the
branches of the tall trees in the pine grove. Beyond
the grove, the sunlight was flat and bright and un
shadowed on the grass of the deep outfield of the
baseball field, and the heat bugs sawed away at their
version of music in the heat, but it was dim in the
pine grove and Luke could not see Christopher's
face well Luke's eyes were still somewhat dazzled
from the sunlight he had left behind when he crossed
the abandoned railroad siding into the grove and
found Christopher sitting under the tree. Luke wore
a Red Sox hat and a yellow T-shirt with the Pitt
Panthers logo, and he pounded his left fist into his
Dave Concepciön-model fielder's glove as hc talked.
"How come?” Luke said.

"Because it don't mean nothing," Christopher said.
He exhaled smoke. "I thought about it and it don't
mean nothing. It used to, but it don't anymore. It's
something 1 alrcady done, all right? I don't want to
do no more of it.”

“Mr. Кеппеу' be mad,” Luke said. “He was count-
ing on you, start against Our Lady's tomorrow night.
Brian already pitched this weck."

“Mr. Kenney,” Christopher said. “Yeah, Mr. Ken-
ney. I know Mr. Kenney. Fuck him. He's all bullshit.
Mr. Kenney.”

“He was gonna start you,” Luke said. “He always
started you before when he said so, didn't he? You
pitched a lot. He really likes you.”

“Yeah,” Christopher said. “Mr. Kenney started me,
all right. You know something? I don't give a shit
what Mr. Kenney likes. Who he likes. I ain't goi

Luke sat down on the ground in the yoga position.
He continued to pound his glove with his fist. “What
about Father Driscoll?" he said. "Father Driscoll'll
be mad, too. He's gonna want to know what hap-
pened. What're you gonna tell him? He'll be calling

PLAYBOY

up your house and everything, you don’t
show up.”

“Big fucking deal,” Christopher said.
"Once, he'll call. Then hell forget
about it. All he wants, all he wants is
People he can tell what to do. That and
money. That's all any of them want.“

“He doesn’t seem like that kind of
guy to me,” Luke said.

„They're all that kind of guy," Chris-
topher said. “You're not even a Cath-
olic. How'd you know? My father says
theyre all the same. All they want is
money, money, money. They don't give
a shit about people. Just their money.
My father says that.”

“Then why's he go to church, then?”
Luke said.

He doesn't,” Christopher said. “Well,
he goes to church. He just don't go in.
He says that's why he doesn't. АП they
want's his money, and he's sick of hear-
ing about it. He takes my mother and
my little brother and my sisters and we
all go, and he gets out of the car with us
when we go in and he buys the paper
from the kid that sells them out of the
box outside the church there, and he
gets back in the car and he reads the
paper.”

"Can't
said.

"Sure," Christopher said. "You seen
her drive. She's got the brown station
wagon, the Ford with the phony wood
on it.”

“Then,” Luke said, "why'n't your
mother just drive you guys to church,
if your father does it and he doesn't go
inside?"

"My father says,” Christopher said.
“he promised to raise us kids inna Cath-
olic faith, and that mcans he has to
make sure wc go to church. He says he
didn't promise to keep going himself.
My mother, she likes to go to church.
She doesn't like it when my father starts
yelling that all they're after's his moncy.
She gets mad at him. They had a big
fight last Christmas Eve. He got all
dressed up and she asked him if he was
going inside for once. See, he used to only
go inside at Christmas and Easter, and
that made her mad. So he says yeah, he
is going inside. And then he says, ‘Look,
its not Sunday, and it's cold out. I
won't have anything to read and ГИ
be sitting there running the heater for
nothing. Besides, it’s the birth of our
Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ!” And he
starts to sing Adeste Fideles or some-
thing. He was half in the bag. He al-
ways is Christmas.

“Him and Mr. Stein from across the
street always help cach other decorate
their Christmas trees on Christmas Eve.

your mother drive?" Luke

148 Sec, Mr. Stein started the whole thing

the first year we lived there. He comes
over and he tells my father he married
this Christian woman and she wants a
goddamned Christmas tree and he don’t
know anything about that, on account
of him being Jewish and all, and would
my father maybe give him a hand so he
doesn’t get in all kinds of shit with this
Christian woman that he married that’s
got to have a Christmas wee. So they
started doing it then, and after they
finish doing the Steins’ tree, they come
over and they do ours. They always get
about half smashed doing it, on account
they both work in offices where I guess
everybody gives everybody else booze
for Christmas so they can get bombed
at home instead of having a Christmas
party in the office or someplace else
where they all get bombed and then
come home and get in the shit with
their wives. So, when Mr. Stein and my
father're decorating the trees, they get
crocked out of their minds. My mother's
always saying she wishes some year they
would do our tree first, because the
Steins' tree always looks pretty good be-
cause that's where they start drinking.
but ours always looks as though it was
decorated by a couple drunks. Which it
was.

“There was one time about three
years ago,” Christopher said, “when they
got so stiff they got the whole tree dec-
orated, the balls and the tinsel and the
snow that you spray on from cans and
everything, and the little angel on the
top, and then my father says to Mr.
Stein that he should plug the lights in
and they would sce how it looks. And
Mr. Stein gets down on his hands and
knees and crawls around under it look-
ing for the plug, and he starts scream-
ing, ‘I can't find the plug, Lco. Where's
the goddamned plug? And my father
says, ‘You stupid bastard, Steve, can't
even find a goddamned plug. Lemme
look; ГИ find it.’ So my father gets
down and he starts crawling around
under the (кес, looking for the plug,
and Mr. Stein starts singing, 'Here we
go round the mulberry bush, and my
father starts singing with him and
they're crawling around in circles оппа
rug, singing, and my mother comes in
and says, What the hell're you two
fools doing? And they're laughing like
hell and my father says, "Fhisll kill
you, Lillian. We forgot to put any lights
on. We forgot the lights.’ And they're
both laughing and laughing and laugh-
ing. and then my father threw up on
the rug.”

“Jesus,” Luke said.

“Yup,” Christopher said, "right on
my mother’s brand-new wall-to-wall.
And the dog—we had this big Airedale

then, and he hears all the noise and he
comes in and smells it and he starts eat-
ing it. And Mr. Stein decides he doesn't
like the smell and the dog eating the
throw-up and everything, so he stands
up and he knocks the tree over and all
the ornaments break on the floor, and
the water that they put in the bottom
of the tree to keep it from drying out—
you know, in the stand?—all that goes
all over the rug, too.

"So," Christopher said, “naturally,
my mother is screaming, апа Mr. Stein
says he is going home and my father
throws up again. Then he yells at ту
mother that she should stop yelling at
him, because the dog is cleaning it up,
and he gets mad at Mr. Stein because
Mr. Stein is running out on him and
how's he gonna get the tree up and the
lights on all alone, and Mr. Stein says
he doesn't know how, but he is going
home. And my father gets mad and says
that is good and Mr. Stein is а no-good
drunk Jew bastard, and Mr. Stein gets
all mad and runs out the front door and
falls down on the porch.

“Then my father gets up and my
mother tells him he should go to bed
and sleep it off, and he won't do that.
He gets up and he is staggering back
and forth and he is going to finish dec-
orating the tree all by himself and this
time he won't have Stein fucking him
up and he will have lights on it. So he
goes down cellar to get the lights that
they forgot to bring up the first time
and he falls on the stairs and sprains
his ankle.

“You should've heard him hollering
down there. Took my mother and me
and my little brother Tony to get him
upstairs, and he's swearing at us all the
way. And then up the stairs to the bed-
room, and my mother threw us out and
got him undressed and cleaned him oft
and he went to sleep. Then we took
care of cleaning up the living room and
ме got the lights on the tree. Not many
ornaments, though. And so we had a

Luke said. "hats awful.
My mother and father used to fight a
lot. She used to throw things at hi

Pots and dishes and мий. One night,
when she got really mad at him, he
said һе was leaving and going to stay in
a hotel, and he took this little bag he
kept packed all the time, and when һе
was outside putting it in the car, she
threw all his suits and shirts out the
window into the driveway, and then
his electric razor and the bathroom
scales. But I never saw nothing like that,
with the dog and everything. How come
(continued on page 297)

exceptional goodies that make giving and getting a yule delight

PLAYBOY'S
CHRISTMAS
GIFT GUIDE

Above: All that glitters is gold this Christmas, beginning with the Contax RTS limited-
edition 35mm camera featuring а yellow-gold-plated exterior, plus с body section and
lens grip that are covered with lizardskin, $6000, including a gold-plated Carl Zeiss T
50mm #/1.4 lens and lens cap. Next to it is the ne plus ultra of writing instruments—an
1&-kt.-solid-gold Mont Blanc Diplomat fountain pen with an etched-face 14-kt.-gold nib
and piston filling system, from Alfred Dunhill of Londan, $4250. Yes, Santa, that well-
stuffed $20 money clip is also good as gald—14kt., ta be exact—from Tiffany, $1895.

PHOTOGRAPHY BY DON AZUMA

Below center: Nakamichi’s 1000ZXL Limited Edi-
tion Camputing Cassette Deck features a gald-
plated front panel that reflects

gold-plated circuitry within; i.

gold-plated ta minimize noise pickup, and record-
ing and pickup heads are fully shielded in a
magnetic housing that’s also gold-plated to assure
perfect grounding, $6000, including a palished-
rosewood cabinet. Right: The lightweight Interna-
tional 1200 blaw drier, by Braun, has a removable
jet on the air outlet that concentrates the heat; trav-
elers will dig the unit, as it comes with a case fea-
furing an adjustable mirror and three adapters, from
Gadgets Unlimited, Beverly Hills, California, $55.

Abave left: Television addicts who com-
ploin that they never have the time to
exercise can climb aboard the Heart Mate
aerobic conditioning system and have
fheir heart rate, calories burned and
day-to-day improvement manitared while
they catch a little TV on the units 5”
built-in black-and-white or listen to its
AM/FM radio, $3995. Right: The elec-
fric Espresso/Cappuccino Machine, by
Benjamin & Medwin, is a pump-style mod-
el that produces deliciaus coffee with a
minimum of fuss, $400; aptianal base,
$75; plus coffee grinder shawn, $200.

Left: Proton Corporation’s 19” Model 600M color
TV includes a 370-line resolution monitor with o
separate tuner/preamplifier featuring 105-chonnel
capability and o wireless infrared remote control,
$995. Below right: GlobuScope's Superwide 4x 5
camera is no larger thon most 35mm models,
yet it produces 4" x 5" negatives; the body is

rugged ond rust-free stainless steel, ond the unit
accepts either a standard 4" x 5” film holder or о
Poloroid film-back system, $500. On the comera is
a Super-Angulon 65mm 4/8 lens, by Schneider,
$850. That tripod the GlobuScope sits on is с Cull-
mann five-part touring system that includes tripod,
clamp, suction pad, spike, screw, by Vivitar, $120. -

Left: The stackable Studio Callectian Pro-
fessional Stereo System includes (top to
bottom) оп 51-011 direct-drive turntable
with automatic speed and record-size
selection, $470; 57-58 AM/FM tuner with
16 stotion presets, $500; SU-AB control
omplifier with o motarized slide-out
drawer for tane controls, $350; SE-A7
power amplifier that delivers 60 watts
per channel, $500; and RS-M280 three-
mator cassette deck, $800; plus (not
shown) SB-6 speakers approximately 24”
x 14" x 12", $800 o pair, and on SH-700
horizontal stand, $440, all by Technics.

Below: A рай ited-edition (500) Ray-Ban sun-
glasses with solid-gold frames and gold-tone lenses,
by Bausch & Lomb, $1890, including two cases. Rigi

This Barnett fiberglass-and-cast-aluminum crossbow

similor to the one featured in the James Bond film
For Your Eyes Only, $229.95; 4x 32mm scope,
$69, beth from The Sharper Image, San Francisco.

: These handsome art deco-style bot-
ties hold 6.75 fluid ounces of leather-and-
tobocce-scented Quorum Eau de Toilette
for men, $35, and 3.4 fluid ounces of
Quorum After Shave, $18, both by Puig.
Right: Sony's Watchman black-and-white
TV, which features the new FD (fat
display) tube, is only 1/4" thick yet has a
2” screen and can operate for two and a
half hours on four AA batteries, $350:

Left: This ViniCoo! wine chiller made of
Lucite keeps a cold bottle of wine at the
correct temperature, by Grainware, $27.50.
In the ViniCool is a bottle of G. H.
Mumm Cordon Rouge brut champagne, іт-
ported by Browne Vintners, $25. Right: No,
that's not the starship Enterpri t's
RCA's Model СС015 color video camera
with automatic focus and calendar/stop
wotch onscreen-function indicators, $1400.

PLAYBOY

WITH ENOUGH SHOVELS

(continued from page 122)

“The President and the Secretary of Defense be-
lieve the last glib person who’s talked to them.’”

up to and induding Jimmy Carter, have
dealt with contingency planning. But
the men around Reagan are not mercly
interested in "what if?" scenarios. This
difference was acknowledged by Colin
Gray, a leading advocate of the nuclear-
warfighting school and, oddly, now an
arms-control advisor to the Reagan Соу-
ernment. In 1980, before the election,
Gray wrote in Foreign Policy,

To advocate . . . targeting flex-
ity and selectivity [as
is not the same as to advocate a war
fighting, warsurvival strategy. .
Victory or defeat in nuclear war is
possible, and such a war may have to
be waged to that point; and the de;
er the vision of successful war termi-
nation, the more likely war can be
waged intelligently at earlier stages.

In this article, titled “Victory Is Possi-
ble.“ Gray and his co-author, Keith
Payne, complained that "many commen-
tators and senior U.S. Government
officials consider [nudear war] a non-
survivable event.” Instead, Gray
sented the nuclcar-war-fighters' alternative
vision:

The United States should plan to
defcat the Soviet Union and to do
so at à cost that would not prohibit
U.S. recovery. Washington should
identify war that in the last re-
sort would contemplate the destruc-
tion ol Soviet political authority and
the emergence of a postwar world or-
der compatible with Western values.

G proposed that "a combination
of counterforce offensive targeting, civil
defense and ballistic-missile and air de-
fense should hold U.S. casualties down to
a level compatible with national survival
and recovery.” The compatible level he
had іп mind would leave 20,000,000 dead.

While there have undoubtedly been
aggressive voices in previous Administra-
tions, within the Reagan Government,
the nuclear-war fighters are apparently
unchallenged. The policies and the budg-
ct priorities of this Administration pro-
claim that the unthinkable can now be
planned without hesitation. This devel-
opment has alarmed many of the key
architects of America’s strategicdefense
policy. One of those is Dr. Herbert York,
а veteran of the Manhattan Project and
a former director of California’s Law-
rence Livermore Laboratory, one of the
nation's main developers of nuclear

154 weapons. Dr. York, who was the Director

of Defense Research and Engincering
under President Kennedy, told me in an
interview in April:

“What's going on right now is that
the crazier analysts have risen to higher
positions than is normally the case. They
are able to carry their ideas further and
higher because the people at the top are
simply less well informed than is nor-
mally the case. Neither the current Pres-
ident nor his immediate backers in the
White House nor the current Secretary
of Defense has any experience with these
things, so when the idcologues come in
with their icy stories and with th
selected intelligence data, the President
and the Secretary of Defense believe the
last glib person who's talked to them.
n alternative view in the Reagan
Administration was offered by hard
Perle, Assistant Secretary of Defense for
International Security Policy and an
architect of the Pentagon's five-year war-
fighting plan, who told me:

“Eve always worried les about what
would happen in an actual nudear ex-
change than about the effect that the

nuclear balance has on our willingness to
take risks in local situations. It is not
that I am worried about the Soviets’ at-

tacking the United States with nuclear
weapons confident that they will win that
nuclear war. It is that I worry about an
American President's
lord to take action i
Soviet nuclear forces
escalation took place,

re such that, if
they are better
poised than we are to move up the es-

ation laddi

Perle strongly believes that we can
stockpile nuclear weapons and threaten
to use them without incrcasing the risks
of nudear war. When I asked him about.
Ше fear of the nucleararms race ex-
pressed by such groups as Physicians for
Social Responsibility, he replied:
l am as aware as [the antinuclear-
weapons advocates] are of the presence
of nuclear weapons in the world. I'm
more confident about our ability to dc-
ter war, nevertheless, than they are, and
that is based partly on some judgments
about history. . . 2

Perle’s judgments about history begin
with the assumption, as he told me, that
the Soviet Union is much like Hitler's
Germany—inexorably bent on world con-
quest unless an aroused West. intervenes.
е many others in the Administration,
ars that the danger of appease-
г exceeds that of nuclear escala-

Eugene Rostow, Reagan’s chief disar-
mament man, echoed Perles fear that
we are up against another Hitler. In 1976
he wrote, "Our posture today is compa-
rable to that of Britain, France and the
United the Thirties. Wheth-

When I interviewed Rostow in 1981,
he told me, “I do not think the real dan-
ger of the situation is nuclear war and
mass destruction; I think the danger is
political coercion based on the threat of
mass destruction. . . . And that is very
real. You can smell

What Rostow, Perle and others who
insist on this analogy ignore is that nei
ther the Allies nor Germany. possessed
nuclear weapons at the time of Munich.
Would even such a madman as Hitler
have attempted world conquest—would
his generals have allowed him 12-і
French and British missiles had been hold-
ing Berlin hostage? Nor would Perle find
much support outside his own tight cabal
of anti-Soviet hard-liners for the idea that
Soviet leadership is driven by the вате
furies that possessed Hitler. As for the
Soviets themselves, who have their own
of Hitler, the analogy can only
be enraging.

There are two possible inferences to
be drawn from this recent intensification
of U.S. rhetoric. Either the Reagan Ad-
while bel ing that nu-
tastrophic, has chosen to
play nuclear chicken with the Soviets,
with the intention of changing their po-
litical system and challenging their em-
pire, or the United States really has
abandoned the view that nuclear war is
inevitably cataclysmic and that nuclear
weapons can be detonated as viable in-
struments of policy.

Although I have spent much of the
past three years reporting for the Los
Angeles Times on our drift toward. nu-
clear war, there are still times when I
lose my sense of the devastation that lies
behind the sterile acronyms by which
these modern weapons are described. The
words have grown stale after ncarly four
decades of so-called strategic development.
We № about SLCMs and MIRVs or

ighting strategies—the
bility, the first-strike scenarios, the
city strips—and after a while, the mind
doesn't react with the appropriate horror.

The question of universal death grow
stale partly because the arguments are
often unnecessarily complex, rely on an
insider's lingo and use terms that mute
just what it is these bombs do—
which is, to start with, kill the people
one loves and nearly everyone else as
well.

I came to appreciate this fully only
during a conversation with a former
(continued on page 228)

SNAM

ull

“The origins of New Year's are shrouded in mystery

155

апа legend—even as far back as the Sixties.”

By ARTHUR C. CLARKE

something ver: yrange, was happening

to the planet jupiter. what
did hal the computer know about it?

FIRST LOOK

at anew novel

wi

“үз ZU

this kemp wouldn’t lax anyone;

she’s a free and lively spi

CHARLOTTE KEMP is good company. Mature be-
yond her years, she can expound on almost any
subject. And when she does, it's with a breath-
less enthusiasm that can run up to 1000 words
per minute. At that speed, some mouths tend
to emit pure babble, but not Char’s. Even at
maximum output, her thoughts are perceptive
and pertinent. Born in Omaha 21 years ago,
she leapfrogged around the Midwest with her
family—to Detroit, Keokuk and Toledo—until
she took off for Indiana University. After two
years as a psychology major, Char dropped out
to pursue a modeling career in СІ

found that that notoriously chilly city turned
considerably warmer after she had made two
early discoveries: her roommate and best friend,

Charlottes a young sophisticate who prac-
tically oozes glamor yet says, "I'm not in-
terested in a glamorous life. The things
that I really value are not that glamorous.”

159

Мм

"It'll be a long time before
1 consider having children.
Even then, I dont know.
Maybe ГЇЇ adopt four or
five. But I haven't yet done a
quarter of what I want to do.”

October 1975 Playmate Jill
De Vries, and her boyfriend,
Chicago Bears defensive back
Gary Fencik. Now, after almost a
year on the Big Shoulders, she"
а diehard Chicagoan. “The расе

a lot faster than I'm used to,"
Char says, "and I just love it.
In Chicago, Шеге are a hun-
dred things you can do at any
time of day. After I'd been here
a month or so, I got depressed,
thinking, Oh, this is going to
take me over and ГИ get lost in
the shuffle. But I found you just
have to keep up with the pace
and, above all, you have to
take care of yourself." Char takes
are of herself by playing ten-
nis, swimming and running
along the picturesque. Windy
City lake front. When she has
to get somewhere fast, she
mounts her trusty moped—
weather permitting, of course.
Currently, shes preparing for
even faster transport with flying
lessons, soon to be augmented
with lessons in parachuting, just
in case. Fortunately, her energy
level is sustained by her love of
food. One of her favorite pauses
is in the kitchen, where she’s

Char and roomie Jill (below
left) move a Bear clone into
their apartment. Later (be-
low), Charlotie and the real
thing absorb some culture at
an outdoor Chicago art fair.

162

been known to whip up gourmet-quality dishes for friends or, in their absence, for
herself. Gregarious and extroverted, Char makes friends quickly. It’s a trick she
picked up from all those moves during her childhood. “I regret sometimes not hav-
ing permanent roots, but in each place I've lived, I've made friends I still talk to
and write to. I try to write to at least five of them а week.” While her future plans
include a return to school and possibly some acting, the present holds plenty of
interest for her. After all, she’s got her sports, cooking, modeling and Fencik. If
that’s not enough, Char says, "I haven't met half the people that I want to meet.”

“I've learned a lot in the few
months I’ve been in Chicago. You
learn to be considerate, because
there ате so many people who
aren't, and also to be understand-
ing, because there's so much you
disagree with but have to accept.”

B

-

га |
[ “a
13
At the lake front (left), Char adds her own architec-
tural wonder to Chicago's already imposing skyline. A
Char-baked cake (above) is the center of attention at
a birthday party for boyfriend Gary Fencik of the
Chicago Bears. At the controls т her flying class-
room (below), Char declares, “Flying is very tranquil-
izing for me. My head floats along with the plane.”

GATEFOLD PHOTOGRAPHY BY KEN MARCUS

E]
8
Е

PLAYMATE DATA 5НЕЕТ

NAME: Ef Fee
BUST: Be 22 ups: 2 2

wm 2” —— wien, Я 0-2

BIRTH m AAA. 222 207%

FAVORITE FOODS:

ZA. EI „+
pr» —
Peter 4

FAVORITE PERFORMERS: с
Е Mas
FAVORITE PASTIMES:
А

u”; MAN:

PLAYBOY’S PARTY JOKES

A physician who was trying to determine the
cause of his patient's total exhaustion finally
decided to question him about his sex life.
"How many times a week do you have inter-
course?" he asked.

"Every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday,"
the fellow answered.

“I think you'd better cut out Thursdays,”
advised the doctor.

“That's the only

When Superman goes down on Lois Lane, he
obviously changes metallurgically from the
Man of Steel to the Man of Tungsten.

A

А devastating fire іп a Sicilian woodwind-
instrument factory might be referred to, we
suppose, as a Mediterranean flute fry.

There's a tavern in London that’s staffed
By a barmaid who's tops at her craft:

In her striving to please,

She serves ale on her knees,
So that patrons get head with their draft.

Are you the manager?” the woman asked the
man who had answered the telephone at the
male-escort-service agency.

“Yes, madam, I am,” he replied, “but my
actual title is staff director.”

Our Unabashed Dictionary defines tax-exempt
TV preachers as windfall prophets.

1 wouldn't mess with that Gerald if 1 were
you,” one regular at a gay bar warned the
belligerent limp-wristed drinker. “He happens
to have a lavender belt in karate.”

Апа, of course, you've heard about the girl
who thought premarital sex was immoral—so
she slept with only married men.

A large number of used prophylactics were
found in the parking lot after last week's
dance,” the high school principal announced
with some severity at a faculty meeting. “Are
there any comments or suggestions?”

“Perhaps the name of the affair should be
changed,” responded a laid-back young male
teacher, “to the junior prong.”

The newest Congressional caucus is one com-
posed of gay legislators. They call themselves
the Oral Minority.

A daredevil skater named Lowe
Leaps barrels arranged in the snow
But is proudest of doing
Some incredible screwing,
Since he’s jumped 13 girls in a row!

My husband exhibits the symptoms of a sort
of Pinocchio syndrome," one woman confided
to another. “When he lies to me about his
playing around, his penis gets bigger and
ger. Sometimes,” she went on with a sigh,
think that’s all that's saved our marriage."

Our Unabashed Classical Roman Dictionary
defines promiscuous slut as a box populi.

The seven-piece bedroom set this joker told me
he had in his pad," the girl reported to her
roommate, "consisted of a cot and half a dozen

rubbers!”

Saaay,” giggled the girl hitchhiker as the rig
operator shifted position and began to perform
oral sex on her, “you muck drivers really do
know the best places to eat!”

Our Unabashed Dictionary defines female
pubic depilation as shaving the point spread.

Mother Goose had it all wrong, Grandpa,
snickered the precociously worldly wise young-
ster while being read to by the old gentleman.
“It was the cock that rammed up the mouse.”

As a final humiliation, Henry VIII permitted
the executioner who would shortly decapitate
her to have access to Anne Boleyn in the Tow-
er of London for sexual purposes As she
placed herself in position for the blow the
following morning, Anne said, in a loud,
clear voice, "Headsman, strike true!” Then she
added, in a mutter so low that only he could
hear it, “I trust, sir, that you take better head
than you give.”

Heard а funny one lately? Send it on a post-
саға, please, to Party Jokes Editor, PLAYBOY,
Playboy Bldg., 919 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago,
Ill. 60611. $50 will be paid to the contributor
whose card 15 selected. Jokes cannot be returned.

“And now, for being such a good boy. . ..”

171

margaret had а secret. what could it be?

WHEN PEOPLE SAID, “Miss Duboys has a
friend,” they meant something sinister
or, at least, pretty nasty—that she had a
dark secret at home. Because we were
both unmarried and grade FSO-4 at the
London embassy, we were often paired
up at dinner parties as the token singles.
It became a joke between us, these fre-
quent meetings at embassy residences.
“You again,” she would say, and give me
a velvet feline growl. She was not pretty
in a conventional way, which was prob-
ably why I found her so attractive. Her
eyes were green in her thin white fa
her lips were overlarge and lispy-Jookin;
her short hair jetblack, and you could
see the rise of her nipples through her
raincoat.

It took me a little while to get to
know her. There were so many people
eager to see us married, we resisted be-
ing pushed into further intimacy. I saw
a lot of her at work—and all those din-
ner parties! We very quickly became
good friends and, indeed, were so tol-
erant of each other and so familiar that
it was hard for me to know her any
better. I desired her when I was with
her. Our friendship did not progress.
Then I began to think that people were

right: She probably did have a secret at
home.

The facts about her were unusual.
She had not been to the United States
in four years—she had not taken home
leave, she had not visited Europe, she
had not left London. She had probably
not left her apartment much, except to
go to work. It made people talk. But she
worked very hard. Our British counter-
parts treated hard workers with sus-
picion. They would have regarded
Margaret Duboys as a possible spy for
staying late all those nights. “What was
she really doing?” people asked. Some
called her conscientious; others, obsessed.

‘There was another characteristic Miss
Duboys had that made the London em-
bassy people suspicious. She bought 2
great amount of food at the PX in Ruis-
lip. She made a weekly trip for enor-
mous quantities of tax-free groceries,
but always of a certain kind. All our
food bills were recorded on the embassy
computer, and Miss Duboys' bills were
studied closely. Steaks! Chickens! Ham-
burg! She bought rabbits! One week,
her bill was 5114.47. Single woman, tax-
free food! She was a carnivore and no
mistake, but (continued on page 178)

fiction

By PAUL THEROUX

author of THE MOSQUITO COAST

173

Me Twenty COMMANDMENTS

ЖҮРІС

fino

Sir er wer
МАСАЖУ hase,

РУМ
ных ке OTHER,
Berne me

знн pre ат)
AN) секіл THE

PLAYBOY

SEX AND

BSTITUTES

(continued from page 173)

“The harsh rumors, and the way Miss Duboys treated
them with contempt, made me like her the more.”

she bought pounds of fish, too. We
looked at the computer printout and
marveled, What an appetite!

“People eat to compensate for things,”
said Everett Horton, our number two,
who perhaps knew what he was talking
about; he was very fat.

I said, “Margaret doesn't strike me as
a compulsive eater.”

“No,” he sai e's got a very sweet

е. That's a better explanation.”
She's thin—it doesn't explain any-

Horton said. "She's
living with a very hungry man."

"Let's hope not," I said, and when
Horton leered at me, I added, "for se-
curity reasons.”

She had completely reorganized the
trade section; she dealt with priority
trade matters. It was unthinkable that
someone in such a trusted position was
compromising this trust with a foreigner
who was, perhaps, only a sexual adven-
turer. It is the unthinkable that most
preoccupies me. Or was she giving all
the food away? Or, worse, was she selling
it to grateful English people? They paid
twice what we did for half as much and,
in the past, there had been cases of em-
bass) personnel's selling merchandise
they had bought at bargain prices at the
American PX; they had been sent home
and demoted, or else fired—terminated
was our word. We wondered about Miss
Duboys. Her grocery bill was large and
mystifying.

The day came when these РХ pi
outs were to be examined by some visit-
ing budget inspectors from Washington.

Horton, who knew I was fond of Miss
Duboys, took me aside that morning.

“Massage these figures, will you?” he
said. "I'm sure they're not as lumpy as
they look.”

I averaged them and I made them
look innocent. And still they startled
me. All that food! For any other officer
it would not have looked odd, but the
fact was that Miss Duboys lived alone.
She never gave dinner parties. She never
gave parties. No one had ever been in-
side her house.

There was more speculation, all of it
idle and some of it rather cruel. It was
worse than “Miss Duboys has a friend.”
1 thought it was baseless and malicious
and, in the way that gossip can do real
harm by destroying a person's reputa-
tion, very dangerous. And what were
people saying about me? People re-

178 garded her as “shady” and “sly.” "You

can't figure her out,” they said, meaning
they could if you were bold and insensi-
tive enough to listen. And there was
her “accident"—doubting people always
spoke about her in quotation marks,
which they indicated with raised eye-
brows. It was her hog 1 "scare." Miss
Duboys, who was a “riddle,” had been
"rushed" to the hospital "covered with
bruises." The commonest cxplanation
was that she "fell," but the general be-
lief was that she had been beaten up by
her mysterious roommate—so people
thought. If she had been beaten black
and blue, no one had seen her. Al
Sanger claimed he had seen her with a
bandaged hand; Calvin Jeeps said it was
scratches.

"Probably a feminine complaint,"
Scaduto's wife said; and when I squinted,
she "Plumbing."

‘Could be another woman," Horton
said. "Women scratch each other, don’t
they? I mcan, a man wouldn't do that."

“Probably a can of tuna fish," Jeeps

А1 Sanger said, "She never buys cans
of tuna fish!”

He, too, had puzzled over her grocery
bills.

Miss Duboys did not help matters by
refusing to explain amy of it: the gro-
cery bills, the visit to the hospital, no
home leave, no cocktail parties, no din-
ners. But she was left alone. She was an
excellent officer and the only woman in
the trade section. It would have been
hard to interrogate her and practically
impossible to transfer her without being
accused of bias. But there were still
people who regarded her behavior as
highly suspicious.

"What is it?" Horton asked mc.
you think it's what they say?”

I had never heard him, or any other
American official, use the word spy. It
was a vulgar, painful and unlucky word,
like cancer.

“No, not that,” 1 said.

“I can't imagine what it could be.”

“It's sex,” I said. "Or one of its sub-
stitutes.”

“One of the many,” he said.

“One of the few,” 1 replici

He smiled at me and said,
be young.”

‘The harsh rumors, and the way Miss
Duboys treated them with contempt,
made me like her the more. I began to
look forward to seeing her at the dinner
parties, where we were invariably the
odd guests—the unmarried ones. Per-

“Do

“It’s nice to

haps it was more calculated than I real-
ized; perhaps people, seeing me as
steady, solid, with a good record in over-
seas posts, thought that I would succeed
in finding out the truth about Miss
Duboys. If so, they chose the right man.
I did find out the truth. It was so sim-
ple, so obvious, in its way, it took either
genius or luck to discover it. I had no
genius, but I was very lucky.
.

We меге at Calvin Јеерѕ'ѕ apartment
in Hampstead. Jeeps’s wife was named
Lornette, which, with a kind of mis-
placed hauteur, she pronounced like
the French eyeglasses—lorgnette. "The
Jeepses were black, from Chicago. A black
American jazz trumpeter was also there—
he was introduced as Owlie Cooper—
and the Sangers, Al and Tina, and
Margaret Duboys and myself.

"The Sangers dog had just come out
of quarantine. When he heard that it
had cost 5300 to fly the dog from Wash-
ington to London and close to $2000 for
the dog's six months at the quaran-
tine kennel in Surrey ("We usually
visited Brucie on weekends") Owlie
Cooper kicked his feet out and screamed
his laughter at the Sangers. Tina asked
what was so funny. Cooper said it was
all funny: He was laughing at the mon-
cy, the amount of time and even the
dog's name. “Brucic!”

The Sangers looked insulted; they
went into a kind of sulk—their eyes
shining with anger—but they said noth-
ing. You knew they wanted to say some-
thing like, “OK, but what kind of a
name is Owlie?" But Owlie was black,
and it was possible that Owlie was a
special black name, maybe Swahili,
or else meant something interesting,
which—and this was obvious—Brude
didn't.

Unexpectedly, Margaret Duboys said
to Cooper, "Taking good care of your
dog—is that funny? People go to much
more trouble for children. Look at all
the time and money that's wasted on
these embassy kids."

“You're not serious,” Cooper said. "I
mean, what a freaky comparison!”

“Is a fair comparison,” Margaret
said. "I've spent whole evenings at the
Scadutos’ listening to stories about
Ricky's braces. Guess how much they cost
the American taxpayer? Three thousand
dollars! They sent him to an orthodon-
tist at the American base іп Frank-
furt

"I'm thinking of going there,” Lor-
nette Jeeps said. "I've got this үсіп in
my leg that's got to come out.”

“They didn't even work!” Margaret
was saying. “Skidoo says the kids still
call him Bugs Bunny. And Horton's kid,

(continued on page 267)

PLAYBOY'S

COLLEGE B

our pre-season
picks for the
country’s

top teams

and talent

ex
hall scason in the history of the game.
There will be, as usual, an ascending
number of elevated slam-dunk artists and
skipper-quick ball handlers who can't
speak third-grade English, but the princi-
pal new ingredient will be (get this
phrascology) "rules experimentation."
The N. C. A. A. Basketball Rules Com-
mittee has granted permission to several
conferences to experiment with new rules
tions. Vanderbilt coach С. M. New-
ton, the committee's chairman, told us,
“We have a superb game already, and I
seriously doubt if it can be improved
much. But we decided to experiment on
a strictly controlled basis. The temporary
rules changes are limited to conference
games and can be rescinded at the end
of the season, and league offices must
submit reports on effects of the changes.”

PREVIEW

Sports

By ANSON MOUNT

GET READY. This is going to be the most entertaining, most
‘ing, most unpredictable—and most confusing—basket-

MOUNT'S TOP 20

1. Virginia 12. Arkansas
2. Houston 13. Marquetie

3. Narth Carolina 14. Oregon State
4. UCLA 15. Alabama

5. Kentucky 16. Illinois

6. Georgetown 17. West Virginia.
7. Memphis State 18. North Carolina
8. Indiana State

9. Louisville 19. Villanova

10. Oklahoma | 20. Missouri

11. Tennessee

Possible Breakthroughs
Nevado-las Vegas, DePaul, Pepper-

dine, Auburn, Washington St., San Di-
ego St. lona, Texas Christian, Evansville.

KETBALL

Playboy All-America center
Ralph Sampson of Virginio
snuffs a stuff os North Car-
айпа forward Sam Perkins,
another Playboy All-America,
looks on. They'll resume

the battle this season.

Experiments will be concentrated mostly in two areas: shot
clocks and three-point scores for long-distance shots. Confer-

ences will allow a set time, either 30 or
45 seconds after a turnover, for a team
to take a shot. Some conferences will
allow three points for shots made from
a variety of distances from the hole.
These changes are obviously aimed at
finding a cure for two recent and unwel-
come evolutionary developments in the
game. The shot clock is designed to
negate the boring tendency of some
teams to hog the ball in the late minutes
of a game in order to get a last-second
winning shot. The three: point distance
rule is an attempt to overcome the in-
creasingly sophisticated zone defenses
that have resulted in progressively lower
scoring in recent seasons. The three-
pointer may also slow down growing
dominance of the game by skyscraper

front-court players. Two decades ago, а 179

Pat Ewing,

enter,

Georgetown
— { „Ф i Terry Holland,

Coach of the Year,
j Virginia

PLAYBOY’S
1982-1983 ALL-AMERICA
TEAM

PLAYBOY

68" player was a giant. Now he's just
average, and seven footers are as common
as $1,000,000 pro contracts.

One other rules experiment—less ob-
vious to fans but potentially more signifi-
cant than the first two—will be tried by
the Southeastern Conference. Coaches
will be restricted during game play to a
designated coaching box. That will pre-
vent them from wandering the side lines
and engaging in ludicrous histrionics.

So, if you enjoy excitement, uncertain-

ty and confusion, get a copy of your
favorite team’s temporary game rules and
tune in. You may not always know what's
going on, but you'll love every minute.

In the meantime, let's take a look at
the prospects of the various quintets
around the country.

THE FAST
Georgetown Biggest in the Big East

Georgetown fans have great expecta-
tions for this season, thanks to last ycar's

THE BEST OF THE REST

(АШ of these are likely to be someone's All-Americons by
season's end, though they barely missed our teom)

FORWARDS: Ted Kitchel (Indiono), Richie Johnson (Evansville), Thurl Bailey
(North Corolina State), Adrion Branch (Maryland), Derrick Hord (Kentucky),
Rodney McCray (Louisville), Clyde Drexler (Houston), Lorry Micheaux (Houston),
Antoine Carr (Wichito Stote), Kenny Fields (UCLA), Orlando Phillips (Pepperdine)

CENTERS: John Pinone (Villenove), Russell Cross (Purdue), Rondy Breuer
(Minnesota), Bobby Lee Hurt (Alcboma), Mork West (Old Dominion), Steve
Stiponovich (Missouri), Cherlie Sitton (Oregon Stote)

GUARDS: Greg Jones (West Virgi

(Notre Dome), Othell Wilson
(UCLA), Tory Webster (Howeii),

TOP NEWCOMERS

(Incoming freshmen and tronsfers who'll moke big
contributions to their squods)

, Derek Horper (Illinois), John Poxson
ic), Chucky komen (Oklehomo), Rod Foster
Lean Wood (Fullerton State)

Dovid Wingate, Gerd
Horold Pressley, forward .
Eod Kelley, guard .
Efrem Winters, center ж т
Roland Brooks, forward ...

Horold Howard, guard .....
Archie Johnson, center .
Lloyd Moore, center.
Tony Jackson, guard

Rick Corlisle, guord

Alvin Battle, forward .
Johnny Dawkins, guard
Kenny Wolker, forward .
Alfonso Johnson, forward
Donald Ноу, guard .
Billy Thompson, forward .
Reggie Meodaws, center
Dell Curry, guard ....
Cliff Pruitt, forward ..
Wayman Tisdole, center
Carl Henry, guard ..
Alvin Fronklin, guard .
Andre Ervin, guard ..
Bernard Jackson, guard .
Benoit Benjamin, center
Dorryl Flowers, guard -
Rick Tunstall, center
Eldridge Hudson, forword
John Price, guard

Creighton
„Oregon Stote

л Намой
Nevado-los Vegos
Weber Stote

storybook finish. The optimism is cen-
tered on the return of Playboy All-
America center Pat Ewing and the
arrival of heralded freshman David
Wingate. The Hoyas are a very young
team, however, and they'll be number
one on all their opponents’ hit lists;
so last winter's performance will be diffi-
cult to duplicate.

Villanova, St. John’s and Syracuse all
suffered only minimal losses to gradua-
tion and have excellent chances of tak-
ing the Big East championship from

THE EAST

BIG EAST CONFERENCE

6. Pittsburgh

7. Providence

8. Connecticut
. Syracus 3. Seton Hall
j. Boston College

ATLANTIC TEN

6. St. Bonaventure
7. Temple

i Massachusetts

9. Rhode Island

1. West Virginia

3. Canisius
5 Niagara

5. George Mason
€. William & Mary

STARS IN THE EAST: Ewing, Jones, Wingate

(Georgetown), Pinone, Granger (Villanova);

Russell, Mullin (St. John's; Rautins (Syra-
Clark (Boston College); Vau
Jackson (Providence); Bail

necticut), on (Seton Hall:

1 Hinson, Ran-
dolph (Rutgers); Lang (Penn State); Martin
(St. Joseph's); Brown (George Washington);
Jones, Stover (St. Bonaventure); Hall [5

ple); Russell (Massachusetts); Upshaw,
ens (Rhode Island); Myers (Duquesne); tittle
(Pennsylvania); Bumett (Columbia); Robinson
Pe Bomba (Cornell); Carrabino (Har-
, Graves ігі); James xo Ander-
$n ‘(Dartmouth Burtt, Springer. (lona);
Ruland (lames Madison; all (Canisius);
Howse (Niagara); n (George eon, G-
d Pes liam 8 Магу); Logan (Holy
ein (Manhattan); anal (Ford-

fen rots (o Schlitt (Army).

Georgetown. Freshmen Harold Pressley
and Dwight Wilbur could make Villa-
nova the nation’s most improved team
by season's end.

A rebuilding year is in store for Bos-
ton College and Pittsburgh. Both squads
will be heavily dependent on youngsters.
Freshman center Keith Armstrong will
become Pitt's main man (and look for

(continued on page 248)

J ) ; 1
von в.
— ا‎ D i.

mer la
: | ey. 996); (к T

“Well, the holiday season is upon us!”

183

184

THE

is this you we're discussing?
a woman with a trained eye
for men says it all depends on
the age and experience of

the woman looking your way

article By ERICA JONG

PERFECT MAN

THE PERFECT MAN—lor any woman—is the man who loves her constantly; fucks her frequently, passionately and well;
adores and admires her; is at once reliable and exciting; Adonis on earth and father figure from heaven; a beautiful
son, a steady daddy; a wild-eyed, Bacchic lover and a calm, sober (but still funny) friend. Can you find all those at-
tributes in one man? Not bloody likely! And if you find them, will they endure for all the various passages of your
life? Still less likely.

Given this problem, what's a woman to do? Having two or three men simultaneously would seem to solve the
problem—if it didn’t create so many logistical snafus. What happens, for example, when lover number one and lov-
er number two decide to arrive on the same train for the same weekend? What do you do about birthdays and

ILLUSTRATION BY MARTIN HOFFMAN.

185

PLAYBOY

186

Christmas? Or Hanukkah, for that mat-
ter? A partial solution to this problem
is to have one WASP and one Jewish
lover—with perhaps a Zen Buddhist or
an atheist for good measure, so holidays
can be staggered. But then you stagger,
too. Because the fact is that nobody can
spend 100 percent of her time getting
laid, arranging to get laid, administering
tle. to a variety of men with a variety
of needs. And what woman worth her
salt wants to be involved with a man
whose needs she cares nothing about?

А divorced male friend of mine re-
cently said. “When I was married, I spent
perhaps 20 percent of my time getting
laid. Now that I'm divorced, I spend 85
to 90 percent of my time getting laid.'
There's the problem in its essence: Put-
ting together one perfect man out of two,
three or four slightly imperfect candi-
dates is just too time consuming and
exhausting. We are finally driven to mo-
nogamy not by morality but by exhaus-
п. One candidate wins out over the
others, and we succumb to the blandish-
ments of one perfect—we һоре--шап-
This solution has on its side convenience,
honesty, simplicity and stability. But does
it have stability on its side? Our divorce
statistics show that our monogamies tend
to be seri that sooncr or later, both
spouses begin playing around; and that
most children born today can expect to
grow up in single-parent households by
and by (or to become somebody else's
stepchildren). The old European sys-
tem—if one can call it that—of stable
marriage accompanied by a series of
fairly stable liaisons starts to look better
and better when we consider the wreck:
age of our nd our саге
under our shambling “system” of serial
monogamy.

A beguiling young man once said to
me, “Marry as often as you like, but
promise me I'll be your only lover.” He
was paraphrasing Oscar Wilde, but his
wistful plea had true longing in it: the
longing for some stability in an unstable
world. If marriage no longer provides
that, then perhaps our love alfairs will.
I treasure the fantasy of marrying and
marrying and marrying, yet having only
one lover through it all. But fantasy it
is. 1 am neither young enough пог fool-
ish enough nor unscathed enough by di
vorce to want to endure the psychological
wreckage of splitting up yet again. That
leaves me, like everyone else, in search of
the Holy Grail of the perfect man
wherever (and whoever) he may be.

Knowing full well that life is too sur-
prising, rich and strange for love ever to
come in the form of a prearranged, pre-
dictable, prefabricated model, I nonethe-
less feel the temptation to put together a
sort of police composite of the perfect
man.

OK. Нез beautiful—but not without

some craggy imperfection in his features:
a nose that once was broken or slightly
crooked teeth, perhaps. He's enormously
intelligent but never pedantic. Most im-
portant of all is his sense ol humor. He
can laugh in bed. And though he's in-
defatigable in bed, he's not obsessive
about sex. He doesn't think of it as a
performance and he doesn't berate him-
self if he doesn’t have a constant егес-
tion, nor does he expect his woman to
berate him. He's relaxed about sex, has
a sense of fun about it, is passionate with-
out being Priapic. Those qualities are
rare in a world in which sexual perform-
ance has become as obligatory as sexual
abstinence (or the pretension to it) once
was. The worst by-product of the so-
called (but probably misnamed) sexual
revolution is the substitution of perform-
ance for passion. For many men, sex has
become just another area of dire compe-
tition. One man of 24—the son of a
writer friend of mine—confessed to me
that from the age of 16 to 21, he never
"allowed" himself to have ап orgasm
with a woman because he was so con-
cerned with pleasing his partner:

"Here were all these women like you
and my mother writing all these books
and articles about how men were so in-
e to women's needs. So I figured
that the main thing was to give the girl
as many orgasıns as possible. I got so
controlled that 1 couldn't even come my-
self. Now I just say, ‘Fuck it’ Let's bring
back the John Wayne image of man-
hood—when men could prematurely ejac-
ulate and not care!

What this young man—in his sup-
posed nostalgia for the John Wayne
image of manhood—didn't realize is that
no man of John Wayne's generation
ave sat at a dinner party at his
house having such an intimate
conversation. with his mothers friend.
ng has changed forever in men
as a result of the sexual revolution and
the women's movement, and that change
an be summed up as greater openness.
Not only are men able to talk to women
about sex but men of 20 or so and women

of 35 or so often wind up talking them-
selves right into bed—an explosive com-
bination

long celebrated by French
id moviemakers but. curiously
neglected in the supposed land of oppor-
tunity. Even so, no one (of any age) scems
immune to performance mania. Our so-
dety, having collectively decided that sex
is acceptable (if not quite optimal) with-
out love, scems to have replaced the de-
sideratum of endless love with that of
endless erection. When sex becomes as
competitive as racquetball or the stock
market, surely some essential quality has
been lost.

My perfect man, then, is not a slave
to регі mance. He doesn't ask “How'm
in bed. He doesn't have a nerv-

ous breakdown if he can't get it up one
night, and he is secure enough to know
that he is liked for his brains and his
humor and not just for his cock.

What other qualities does he have?
Generosity, tenderness, a willingness to
be wrong occasionally, a sense of playful-
ness, a recognition that the best sex hap-
pens when the partners share each other's
fantasies. He doesn't have to be rich;
his generosity can take the form of mak-
ing eggs Benedict on a. Sunday morning
or chopping firewood or bringing roses
when 1 feel rotten. He isn’t judgmental;
he doesn't throw fits about stupid stuff,
such as taking wrong turns in the road
or how I have my canisters lined up on
the kitchen shelf. He is mature enough
to know that life is too short to spend
in acrimony over trivia. He doesn’t bor-
том my Classic car and wreck it, and he
‚cs me a back rub if I've had a lousy
day. He doesn't run off and fuck my
best friend if I'm neglecting him be
cause I have deadline (writing The
Perfect Man for the Christmas issue of
PLAYBOY), and he can amuse himself hap-
pily, not spitefully, if I'm on a business
trip. He adores children and dogs but
doesn’t necessarily try to woo me through
my child (my dog is altogether another
matter). He doesn't demand fidelity of
me if he isn't prepared to give it him-
self, and he doesn't get involved in sex
games he can't handle (such as telling
me it would turn him on if I fucked his
best friend and then clobbering me—or
leaving me—because of it). He is honor-
able emotionally. He has that old-fash-
ioned quality: integrity.

He is reasonably unambivalent emo-
tionally, so you know where you stand
with him, and he doesn't blame others
for his own fears and inadequa

Does this paragon exist? "Actually, the
perfect man is Mel Diamond, a dry clean
er in Flatbush," says a friend of mine,
"but he doesn't want it generally known
for fear he'll be ravished by swarms of
hungry women." (If anyone actually
named Mel Diamond is reading this, rest
assured that my friend's choice of your
name was pure coincidence. Lie back
and enjoy the swarms.)

.
"The perfect man is someone you love
who also loves you,” says psychologist
dred Newman.
ГІ had to single out one quality,
says singersongwriter

no such thing as a. perfect
and no one even gets close," says
Helen Gurley Brown. “The way to be
a happy person is never to even try to
attain perlection! It is totally absurd
to think there is such a thing. Having
said that, ГИ say that the perfect man
8, undercriticizes and would not
(continued on page 286)

THE SPORTS BESTIARY

The Gipper A small, stoatlike animal with large eyes often brimming with tears that lives in
the back af clubhouse lackers. The Gipper has а curiaus hacking bark that sounds like the de-
spairing cough of а consumptive. Из name is aften evoked in coaches’ pep talks on the mis-
taken assumption that a victary would cheer up the clubhause Gipper. "Lets go out and win one

far the Суррей"

is the way it is sametimes expressed. Often, that sentiment is greeted by a low

groan fram the Gipper itself, which does not like the champagne-guzzling, towel-snopping brou-
haha af a victary celebratian and much prefers the quiet and gloom af а mind-boggling defeat.

Text by GEORGE PLIMPTON Drawings by ARNOLD ROTH

anaturalist’s guide to the creatures that inhabit the lingo of athletics

s ıs NOT actually a bestiary. It is what people think
T: bestiary is—namely, an assemblage of vividly im-
agined beasts that behave somewhat quirkily, bear only
the vaguest application to real life and are known most-
ly as heraldic fixtures. True, the animals of a bestiary (the
griffin, the camelopard, the unicorn and so forth) would
seem to be the products of lively flights of fancy, but, in fact,
a medieval bestiary was a scrious scientific work. At least, it
was the best that the authorities of those times could do.
The first bestiary was written sometime between the Sec-
ond and Fifth centuries, probably in Greek, and it contained
descriptions of 49 creatures from which sermons and moral

lessons were drawn. ‘Those sermons were so significant to the
medieval mind that the importance of the animal was not
that it existed but what it meant.

The point of departure for the creatures in this bestiary
has been the nomenclature of sports. There is very little in
the sporting lexicon that does not bring a creature—often a
monster—to mind. Sports have a plethora of such terms stalk-
ing around out there unmolested, begging for bestiarizing.

As for the bestiary's traditional sermonizing, the authors
of this sports bestiary would support the kind of admonition
that Mark Twain gave the readers of Huckleberry Finn:
“Persons attempting to find a moral . . . will be banished.

188

The Service Break А torpedolike fish that resembles the
Wahoa, the Service Break is not widely distributed. Far many
years, the Australian reefs had a great many Service Breaks,
and the California coast has traditionally been an excellent
spawning ground; in recent times, a few of the fish have also
been faund in the waters off Sweden. The Service Break is
invariably preceded by a small pilat fish called the Break
In fact, no one has ever seen a Service Breok nat pre-
ceded by a Break Paint, though it is possible ta sight а Break
Paint without a Service Break. Fishermen complain, "Well,
we've had six Breok Points so far and not ane Service Break.”

The Clubhouse Turn A millepedelike creature that hangs
aut on wide dirt roads ond often comes around the corner run-
ning sideways, sa that ane sees a multitude of feet or paws or
hooves approaching at a considerable clip. Seen thraugh binoc-
ulors, it has two tiers of eyes—the anes an top small and nasty,
the lower ones large, with the whites showing from fear. The
Clubhause Turn comes іп on a tear eight or nine times а day.

The Hanging Curve A cheerful, fastidious, plump and some-
what curvoceaus member of the partridge family that tends ta
get eaten a lot. As every gourmet knaws, the Hanging Curve
is prepared far the table in a variety of ways: pickled; smoked;
creamed; made mincemeat of: pasted. Even befare it reaches
the pot, the Hanging Curve seems ta bring aut varaciausness
just about everyone. It gets pummeled, poleoxed, leaned

into, jumped on, hammered, walloped, blasted and crucified.

The Busted Flush A handsome-looking, rather foppish mem-
ber of the ariole family, famous for its vocol inability to com-
plete оп ascending scale of five musical notes in proper order.
The Busted Flush will sing C-D-E-F with maunting excitement,
hoping for the perfect, ultimate G! But what emerges from its
pulsoting throat is a B-flat or, on occosion, a nantonal belch.

The Solid Left Hook A relative of the common Job family,
known to anyone who keeps a fish tonk. But unlike those quick
little flickering fellows dodging in ond out of their alaboster
costles, the Solid Left Hook is an omozingly boring goldfish
thot simply stares through the fish-bowl gloss and fills the
It is the sort of gift one prefers to give rother than to receive,

The Reverse Lay-up A very ogitated rubbery-bodied co-
nine thot looks с lot like on elongoted Afghan hound, the Re-
verse layup leaps up о lot ond gets caught on woll fixtures
ond chandeliers. As its name implies, it revolves, it twists; per-
haps it will sleep standing up. Nonetheless, it is an appealing
pet. It con be missed. A groan goes up when it is missed. One
wonders why. Perhops it's because people enjoy on easy thing
made difficult, and thot's what the Reverse Lay-up seems to be.

The Killer Instinct А caged canary of great volve and sig-
nificance. Ta lack а Killer instinct is to fess up to moral sloth.
Unhappily, the bird is not sold in pet shops. The Killer In-
stinct is passed down from one generotion to onother—os if а
genetic gift. Sometimes, a coach will instoll а Killer Instinct in
the home of one of his chorges, but most people are born with
the bird waiting there in the delivery room. Jock Dempsey
hod a lot of Killer Instincts. Floyd Patterson may have had one.

The Tackle A very lorge, destructive fomily of carnivores,
very likely of the cat or mouse voriety, with the worst feotures of
both (o mouse’s tail and о cat’s breoth). Among the subspecies
of this disogreeable family are the Offensive, the Defensive, the
Sure, the Flying, the Bone-Jarring, the Shoestring, the Open-Field
ond the Gong. There аге those who con avoid, or “break,”
the destructive pottern of the average Tackle, but then along
comes another—usually the dreoded Gong—to finish the job.

189

PLAYBOY

190

20190 =»

“The human crew was monitoring HAL; if any mal-
function occurred, they’d take over immediately.”

your mission are:

1. To proceed to the Jovian sys-
tem and rendezvous with U.S. space-
craft Discovery;

2. To board this spacecraft and
obtain all possible information relat-
ing to its earlier mission;

3. To reactivate spacecraft Discov-

ery's on-board systems and, if pro-
pellant supplies are adequate, inject
the ship into an Earth-return trajec-
tory;
4. To locate the Jupiter monolith
encountered by Discovery and to
vestigate it to the maximum extent
possible by remote sensors;

5. If it seems advisable and Mis-
sion Control concurs, to rendezvous
with this object for closer inspection;

6. То carry out a survey of Jupiter
and its satellites, as far as this is com-
patible with the above objectives.

It is realized that unforeseen cir-
cumstances may require a change оГ
or even make it impossible
to achieve some of these objectives.
It must be clearly understood that
the rendezvous with spacecraft Dis-
covery is for the express purpose of
obtaining information about the
monolith; this must take precedence
over all other objectives, including
attempts at salvage.

CREW

The crew of spacecraft Alexei
Leonov will consist of:

Captain Tanya Orlov Engineering /
Propulsion)

Dr. Vasili Orlov (Navigation/As-
tronomy)

Dr. Maxim Brailovsky (Engineer-
ing/Structurcs)

Dr. Alexander (Sasha) 2 En-
gineeri

Dr. Nikolai Ternovsky ие
ing/Control Systems)

Surgeon-Commander Katerina Ru-
denko (Medical/Life Support)

Dr. Irina Yakunin (Medical / Nutri-
tion)

In addition, the US. National
Council on Astronautics will pro-
vide the following three experts:

Dr. Sivasubramanian Chandrasegar-
ampillai (Engineering / Computer
Systems)

Dr. Walter Curnow (Engineering /
Control Systems)

Dr. Heywood Floyd (Technical Ad-
visor)

Dr. Heywood Floyd's Log

We felt we deserved a party once we'd
successfully rendezvoused vith Discovery.

Who would have believed that we'd
come all the way to Jupiter, greatest of
planets—and then ignore it? Yet that's
what we're doing most of the time, and
when we're not looking at Jupiter's moon
Io or at Discovery, we're thinking about
the—monolith; Big Brother, we call it
now.

105 still 10,000 kilometers away, up
there at the libration point, but when
I look at it through the main telescope,
it seems close enough to touch. Because
it's so completely featureless, there's no
indication of size, no way the eye сап
judge it's really a couple of kilometers
long. If it's solid, it must weigh billions
of tons.

But is it solid? It gives no radar ccho,
even when it's square on to us. We can
see it only as a black silhouette against
the clouds of Jupiter, 300,000 kilometers
below. Apart from its size, it looks exact-
ly like the monolith we dug up on the
Moon....

Tomorrow, we'll go aboard Discovery
and bring it back to life. And then we'll
attempt to uncover the secret of the
monolith.

D

When Discovery suddenly lit up like
the proverbial Christmas tree, navigation
and interior lights blazing from end to
end, the cheer aboard Leonov might al-
most have been heard across the vacuum
between the two ships.

“Hello, Leonov,” said Walter Curnow,
at last. “Sorry to keep you waiting, but
we've been rather busy.

"Here's a quick assessment, judging
from what we've seen so far. The ship's
in much better shape than I feared.
Hull's intact, leakage negligible—air
pressure eighty-five percent nominal.
Quite breathable.

“The best news is that the power
systems are OK. Main reactor stable,
batteries in good shape. Almost all
the circuit breakers were open—they'd
jumped or been thrown by Bowman
before he left—so all vital equipment's
been safeguarded. But it will be a very
big job checking everything before we
have full power again.”

“How long will that take, at least for
the essential systems—life support, pro-
pulsion?" Tanya asked.

“IE we don't run into any major snags,

we can haul Discovery up to a stable
orbit—oh, Га say inside a week.”
Апа HAL?”
"I'd say Dr. Chandra has quite a lot
of work to do.”

.

“What is it?" Curnow asked Floyd with
mild distaste, hefting the little mecha-
in his hand. “А guillotine for
mice?"

“Not a bad description—but I'm alter
bigger game.” Floyd pointed to a flashing
arrow on the display screen, which was
now showing a complicated circuit dia-

nc?"
"Yes—the main twokilohertz power
supply. So?"

“This is the point where it enters
HAL's central-processing unit. Га like
you to install this gadget here—inside
Discovery's cable trunking, where it can't
be found without a deliberate search.”

“I see. A remote control, so you can
pull the plug on HAL whenever you
want to. Very neat—and a nonconduct-
ing blade, too, so there won't be any
embarrassing shorts when it's triggered.
Who are you going to tell about this—
thing?"

"Well, the only person I'm really hid-
ing it from is Chandra."

"I guessed as much.”

"But the fewer who know, the less
likely it is to be talked about. I'll tell
Tanya that it exists, and if there's an
emergency, you can show her how to
operate it."

“What kind of emergency?"

"That's not a very bright question,
Walter. If I knew, I wouldn't need the
damn thing."

.

After a week's slow and careful rein-
tegration, all of HAL's routine super-
visory functions were operating reliably.
He was like a man who could walk, carry
out simple orders, do unskilled jobs and
engage in low-level conversation. In hu-
man terms, he had ап I.Q. of perhaps
50; only the faintest outlines of his orig-
inal personality had yet emerged.

He was still sleepwalking: neverthe-
less, in Chandra's expert opinion. he was
now quite capable of flying Discovery
from its close orbit around Io up to the
rendezvous with Big Brother.

Only Curnow and Chandra меге
aboard Discovery when HAL was given
the first control of the ship. It was a very
limited form of control; he was merely
repeating the program that had been fed
into his memory and monitoring its
execution. And the human crew was
monitoring him; if any malfunction oc-
curred, they would take over immedi-
ately. HAL behaved impeccably. But by
that time, everyone's thoughts меге
elsewhere: Big Brother was only 100

(continued on page 200)

an american actress embarks on her own mission to moscow

text by Sydne Rome

popular stars of European films, has just

become the first American actress to win
а starring role in Soviet cinema. Sydne plays
Louise Bryant, lover and wife of John Reed,
in the $50,000,000 Mexican-Italian-Russian
coproduction of “Ten Days That Shook the
World,” Reed’s account of the Russian Rev-
olution. (That's Sydne, in her Bryant persona,
above.) Directed by the eminent Russian direc-

Os Sydne Rome, one of ihe most

tor Sergei Bondarchuh, the project took three
months and literally a cast of thousands to
complete. During that time, Sydne had the op-
portunity to observe firsthand Russian movie-
making techniques, which at times included
the recruiting of genuine Russian generals to
give orders to the troops assembled for the
picture. She also had the opportunity to study
her character in the historic locations where
Louise had lived and worked with Reed. For

PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD FEGLEY / PRODUCED BY MARILYN GRABOWSKI

191

192

Although Sydne wos chosen for the role of Louise Bryont because of her acting tol-
ent, there are si ies in their lives thot make the costing oppropriate. Something of
‘an odventuress herself, Sydne has spent the post 12 years working in Europe ond be-
ing morried to on Itolian photographer. Louise spent her early days in the artists’ com-
munity of Provincetown, romancing both writers John Reed and Eugene O'Neill.

In the dunes of Provincetown (left), a recumbent
Sydne revives the air and likeness of unconvention-
al Louise Bryant, who herself hod posed in the
dunes decades earlier (obove). Bryant's nude pose
is remarkable considering the mores of the time.

PLAYBOY, Sydne agreed to re-create
her movie persona, from Louise’s real
life in Provincetown to her fantasies
about Russia. What follows are her im-
pressions of Bryant and her feelings
about this historic opportunit

Although Louise Bryant predated by
decades what we think of as the sexual
revolution, she was a true forerunner of
our times. She spent her сапу 20s in
Portland, Oregon, and the bourgeois

Long ofternoons in the sun-splottered coostol
town left much time for fontasy. Louise's idea
of revolutionory Russia was more romantic
thon realistic. She saw a Russia of erystol
paloces rother than one of politicol strife.

lifestyle of that community was in constant
conflict with her personality and her drive.
Louise was unusually attractive and irre-
sistibly drawn to the physical sensuous
aspects of life. Knowing that she had to leave
Portland or be stifled, she took charge of her
destiny by meeting, entrancing and, ulti-
mately, following journalist John Reed to
New York and then to Provincetown, Mas-
sachusetts, a community of East Coast bohe-
mians. There, (text concluded on page 224)

During the early days of the revolution, in 1917
(left), Louise, ployed by Sydne, ond John Reed,
ployed by Franco Nero, join the Russians in the
streets. The $50,000,000 film is based оп Ameri-
can Reed's book Теп Days That Shook the World.

Acting out the fantasies of Louise Bryant (left and below), Sydne
shows o sensvousness that is all hers. As the lead actress in the
film, Sydne wos treated “like a queen.” She found present-day
Russians friendly, if unmotivated, with a deep sense of the roman-
tic. “They take love and romance very seriously; it’s all they have.”

и —

Ап amazing breadth of expression in face and body is what
makes Sydne Rome such a delight to watch on the screen. And
it’s that same quality that made her such a success in front of
the still camera for these fantasy scenes. Europeans will see her
portrayal of Bryant in February; American audiences, soon after.

2)

Your Vith sense told you Rocky Ш!
Was what should next be done
Your guess Was right. the. figures show
ıt may top I and!
Though you're in vum heaven now.
Has it occurred to you
That typecast actors soon create

Their own catch. XX?

то SYLVESTER STALLONE {Е

September. playing in the rain.

You won while high on pure cocaine;
And when October came to pass.

Vou floated through on mellow grass.
November, too, brought victory.

(Vou hit new peaks on PCP)
But though you've had a super fall.

You can't remember it at all.

ILLUSTRATION BY JOHN CRAIG

Congratulations, Pac-Man champ!

With Skill, you've met each test,

You're now а legend in your time;

We hail your Personal best.

And as you savor tnumph on

This joyful Christmas Day,

Here's hoping you won't notice that

Your family’s moved away

As others failed, you reaped success
By helping clients find
Those buried chapters in the law
That they could hide behind.
You kept them safe from creditors
With daring wizardry
That stalled off Paying every bill
Except your legal fee.
This holiday. the news reports
Must fill your heart with cheer,
For '83 may also be
AReaganomic year.

PLAYBOY

200

2 © 1 о (continued from page 190)

“As David Bowman, commander of U.S. spacecraft
Discovery, he had been caught in a gigantic trap.”

kilometers away.

Even from that distance, it already ap-
peared larger than the Moon as seen
from Earth and shockingly unnatural in
its straightedged, geometrical perfection.
Against the background of space it would
have been completely invisible, but the
scudding Jovian clouds 350,000 kilome-
ters below showed it up in dramatic re-
lief. They also produced an illusion that,
once experienced, the mind found almost
impossible to refute. Because there was
no way in which its real location could
be judged by the eye, Big Brother often
looked like a yawning trap door, com-
pletely featureless, set in the face of
Jupiter.

Big Brother did not appear to notice
the two ships that had arrived in its
vicinity—even when they cautiously
probed it with radar beams and bom-
barded it with strings of radio pulses
that, it was hoped, would encourage any
intelligent listener to answer in the same
fashion.

After two frustrating days, with the
approval of Mission Control, the ships
halved their distance. From 50 kilome-
ters, the largest face of the slab appeared
about four times the width of the Moon
in Earth's sky—impressive but not so
large as to be psychologically overwhelm-
ing. It could not yet compete with Jupi-
ter, ten times larger still; and already
the mood of the expedition was chang-
ing from awed alertness to a certain
impatience.

Walter Curnow spoke for almost every-
one: “Big Brother may be willing to
wait a few million years—we’d like to get
away a little sooner.”

.

"To: Victor Millson, Chairman, Na-

tional Council on Astronautics,

Washington, D.C.
From: Heywood Floyd, U.SS.C.
covery
Subject: Malfunction of on-board
computer HAL 9000

Classification: SECRET

Dr. Chandrasegarampillai (here-
inafter referred to as Dr. C) has
completed his preliminary examina-
tion of HAL. He has restored all
missing modules, and the computer
appears to be fully operational.

The problem was apparently
caused by a conflict between HAL's
basic instructions and the require-
ments of security. By direct Presi-
dential order, the existence of the

"Tycho monolith (TMA-I) was kept
a complete secret. Only those with
а need to know were permitted ac-
cess to the information.

Discovery's mission to Jupiter was
already in the advanced-planning
stage when TMA-I was excavated
and radiated its signal to that planet.
As the function of the prime crew
(Bowman, Poole) was merely to get
the vessel to its destination, it was
decided that they should not be in-
formed of its new objective. By
i the investigative team

Hunter, Whitehead)
separately and placing them in hi-
bernation before the voyage began,
it was felt that a much higher de-
gree of security would be attained,
as the danger of leaks (accidental or
otherwise) would be greatly reduced.

As HAL was capable of operating
the ship without human assistance, it
was also decided that he should be
programmed to carry out the mission
autonomously in the event of the
crew's being incapacitated or killed.
He was therefore given full knowl-
edge of its objectives but was not
permitted to reveal them to Bow-
man or Poole.

This situation conflicted with the
purpose for which HAL had been
designed—the accurate processing of
information without distortion or
concealment. As a result, HAL de-
veloped what would be called in hu-
man terms a psychosis—specifically,
schizophrenia.

To put it crudely, HAL was faced

with an intolerable dilemma and so
developed paranoiac symptoms that
were directed against those monitor-
ing his performance back on Earth.
He accordingly attempted to break
the radio link with Mission Control,

in the AE-35 antenna uni
involved him not only
ie—which must have aggr
vated his psychosis still further—but
also in a confrontation with the
crew. Presumably, he decided that
the only way out of the situation was
to eliminate his human colleagues—
which he very nearly succeeded in
doing. Looking at the matter purely
objectively, it would have been in-
teresting to see what would have
happened had he continued the
mission alone, without man-made
interference.

The only important question now

Can HAL be relied upon in the
future? Dr. C., of course, has no
doubts about the matter. He claims
to have obliterated all the comput-
er's memories of the traumatic
events leading up to the disconnec-
tion. Nor does he believe that HAL,
can suffer from anything remotely
analogous to the human sense of
guilt. As you know—but Dr. C. does
not—I have taken steps that will
give us complete control as a last
resort.

To sum up: The rehabilitation оГ
HAL 9000 is proceeding satisfacto-
rily. One might even say that he is
on probation.

1 wonder if he knows it.

.

It was as if he һай awakened from а
dream—or a dream within a dream. How
long had he been away? A whole life-
time; no, two lifetimes: one forward, one
in reverse.

As David Bowman, commander and
last surviving crew member of U.S. space-
craft Discovery, he had been caught in а
gigantic trap set 3,000,000 years ago and
triggered to respond only at the right
time and to the right stimulus. He had
fallen through it from one universe to
another, meeting wonders; some he now
understood, others he might never com-
prehend.

Не had raced al everaccelerating
speed, down infinite corridors of light,
until he had outraced light itself. He
had passed through a cosmic switching
system—a Grand Central Station of the
galaxies—and emerged, protected from
ils fury by unknown forces, close to the
surface of a giant red star.

There he had witnessed the paradox of
sunrise on the face of а sun when the
dying star's brilliantwhite dwarf com-
panion had climbed into its sky—a sear-
ing apparition drawing a tidal wave of
fire bencath it. He had felt no fear, only
wonder, even when his space pod had
carried him into the inferno below. . . .

To arrive, beyond all reason, in a
beautifully appointed hotel suite con-
taining nothing that was not wholly
familiar. However, much of it was fake:
The books on the shelves were dummies;
the cereal boxes and the cans of beer in
the icebox—though they bore famous la-
bels—all contained the same bland food,
with a texture like bread’s but a taste
that was almost anything he cared to
imagine.

He had quickly realized that he was a
specimen in a cosmic 200, his cage care-
fully re-created from the images in old
television programs. And he wondered
when his keepers would appear and in
what physical form.

How foolish that expectation had

who knows
what evil lurks in the heart of the
ultimate status symbol? a rolls owner does,
5

МЕ AND MY SHADOW

memoir By AL GOLDSTEIN

I'VE ALWAYS LOVED CARS, but from the time I was a boy, I’ve considered the Rolls-Royce the symbol of ultimate
luxury. Like courtly love, it was an idealization living in a rarefied atmosphere only a few privileged mortals
could share. To me, a Rolls was the final statement that I had made it.

From my present sadder and wiser-vantage point, I have come to the painful conclusion that the Rolls-
Royce is the automotive equivalent of Richard Nixon. More specifically, if Tricky Dick were reincarnated as
a car, he would be a Rolls-Royce Silver Shadow, the model I was cursed with. And, like Nixon, the Rolls-
Royce should be thrown out of office and disgraced. What other conclusion could I (continued on page 260)

4

BROOKE SHIELDS CAME TO ту New York studio with her mother, Тегі. She leaned
en my drawing table ond looked me straight in the eye, unblinking. There
wos not o hint of mistrust or defensiveness about her as we tolked of trovel,
art elosses, dating ond her horse, Cobolt. She wos а delightful combination
of innocent sophisticotion, youthful appearonce ond mature intelligence. She
моге no make-up; her color wos natural ond wholesome. I decided to do
the head study first to fomiliorize myself with her beouty. | switched from
charcoal to woter colors to sketch the exercises thot ore port of her daily
routine, and suddenly, she chonged into a sexy, ogile, feline creoture, com-
pletely different from the schoolgirl who'd sat quietly before me a few
minutes earlier, As о student ot the school of the Art Institute of Chicogo,
1 hod frequently visited John Singer Sorgent’s life-size nude The Egyption
Girl, pointed in 1891. When | met Brooke, I couldn't help comparing her
with thot pointing. Although her body is in the some stonce, Sargents
model oppears shy, with downcost eyes and polms turned out. My
rendering of Brooke shows her eyes forward, hands turned lovingly inward—
© portrait of а self-ossured, beautiful young lady looking aheod to on
odventurous life. This was the first time she hod posed for on artist. She said
she loved doing it. So did I. TEN,

Two artists ot work: Brooke Shields, exhil iting quolities that hove made her
а stor, poses for LeRoy Neiman. They ore obviously pleased with the results.

(

Р:

Ж” Min N

PLAYBOY

204

“Never in my life have I met with such cold, calculating
avarice in a woman— think I'm in love!”

the ballad of hookshop kate American folk verse, circa 1900

Did you ever hear of the gruesome fate
That befell our heroine, Hookshop Kate?
Though now she has passed to the Great Beyond,
She was once the queen of the demimonde.

She wasn't a beauty for a beauty show,

But her talent for jazzing was sheer vertigo!

And the one pet brag of Hookshop Kate

Was she never yet had met her mate.

When the news of the gold stampede grew hot,
Hookshop Kate, she headed out;

And all she needed of that was a whiff,

For she'd heard that cocks in the North froze stiff.
She landed in Fairbanks onc winter's night

And issued her challenge to all in sight,

But all of the miners who tested her power

Were fucked to a whisper inside of an hour.

The records show Ihat before spring came,
Near every man in town went lame.

With a sneer of contempt, she sallied forth
And bade farewell 10 the frozen North.

She headed straight for Hawaii's isles,

Where men wore nothing but nature's smiles.
But alas! She was doomed to the same sad fate,
For none was the equal of Hookshop Kate.

So the Hawaiians put her up on their throne
And crowned her queen of the zig zig zone,
But she only wept and frowned and sighed
And told them she longed to be satisfied.
Thus they resolved lo find her a mate

Who could crack the back of Hookshop Kate.
A bookseller wandered onto the scene

And asked to be ushered to the queen.

He claimed he knew of a candidate

To put the stuffing in Hookshop Kate.

A shepherd he was, from a distant isle,

Who never had known a woman's wile

But had spent his life with a wandering flock
And developed by hand his phenomenal cock.
“Twas a daily thing for him, they said,

To screw 60 sheep eve he went to bed.

They took а boat to Hawaii’s shore,

The band played out as never before.

Our hero led the gay procession

And was told to rest for the earth-shaking session,
But just to get in the mood of the games,

He limbered up with 24 dames.

Whetted at last, on the stroke of four,

He was ushered off to Katy's door.

They gazed in awe al his two-foot erection
And gave him а shove in the proper direction,
Then all night long their vigil kept—

While only the birds and the animals slept—
Awake to the awful groans and moans

And powerful heavings of flesh and bones
And betting each other they'd never see him
Who'd fit the measure of Kate's big quim.

Next morning, the bookman opened Ihe door,
Eager to know Ihe final score.

When the lights went on, to their surprise,

This was the sight that met their eyes:

With a happy smile, propped up in bed,

The famous Hookshop Kate was dead,

While under the bed, the shepherd guy

Jacked off at the post without batting an eye. EB

Ribald Classic

ILLUSTRATION BY BRAD HOLLAND

DAVY CROCKE.T.: “We can't hold the fortl cries Jim Bowie,
so ЕТ. (the new Duke) placates Santa Anna's forces with salads
and pies. But the hungry Mexicans realize he hasn't remem-
bered the à lo mode in The Texas Cole Slow Massacre.

512

MR. E.T.: Once Buzz Aldrin's bodyguard, he joins Sly and
| the family Stallone in Rocky MMI. A sample line: “Yo, Adri-

an—l punched his light aut!” Our hero's punch is all box of-
fice, but foes ore wary of his low blows and eight-foot reach.

CLARK KENT'S SECRET IDENTE.T.: Christopher Reeve wanted
big bucks, so for a case of beer, our boy becames the Man of
Polyurethane in Lois Lands Her Mon. А blanching Margot Kid-
der tald aur movie reviewer, "All his appendages are green.”

сы >

THAT'S EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL: A singing, dancing extrovo-
gonza in which everyone's fovarite jitterbug hoofs through
Daddy Green legs, Milky Way Melody of 1988 ond Flying
Down to lo, locking great in white tie and prehensile toils.

ET. THE BARBARIAN: He's 72 pounds of swoshbuckling muscle
and swagger, sneering а marauder’s mercenary code: "The
greatest thing in life is ta drive your enemies before you,
slay them and merchandise your products to their women.”

№. ж

b

RHE.T. BUTLER: This smooth Southern gent teleports his
women (a female olien) over the flomes of Atlanta only to
see her fall for Ashley Wilkes. “Frankly, ScarlE.T., 1 don't
give a damn,” he says, dumping her ot the doorstep of Terra.

— СЫ

PUNO OUT

PLAY IT AGAIN, E.T.: As the aliencted Rick in Cosablanca
Now, he gets beautiful lisa Lundt an exit visa fram Earth. “АП
our problems don't amount to a hill of Reese's Pieces in this
crazy cosmos," he mutters. “Just phone home for me, will you?”

PUNCH OUT

——

ET. OF ARABIA: “This rodicol sheik,” says Rex Reed of
the stor of Sheik, Rattle and Roll, “soars over the des-
ей on a bicycle with style and sex appeal unmotched
since Valentino." “Ouch,” soys E.T., crashing into оп oil derrick.

PLAYBOY

220

pleasing choreographer Jeffrey Hornaday,
25, who has lived with her for several
years while gradually getting used to the
fact that he's only 12 years older than
her son by Jon Peters, who's still with
Barbra Streisand.

Ursula Andress, 46, has а two-year-old
son by Нату Hamlin, 30, and Michelle
lips, 37, a new baby by actor Grainger
Hines, 33. Neither of these mothers, inci-
dentally, is married. Sexy Jackie Bisset,
37, leaped into the high-flying arms of
ballet star Alexander Godunov, 32, while
handsome Maxwell Caulfield, 22, married
40-year-old actress Juliet Mills. Let's hope
that her maturity will smooth the edges
of Caulfield's juvenile ego binges; he had
proclaimed himself a superstar even be-
fore first big film, Grease 2, was re-
leased. It flopped.

Melissa Manchester, 31, married her stage
manager, Kevin DeRemer, 27, while another
thrush, 36-year-old Carly Simon, found a
young honey in A! Corley, 21, of TV's
Dynasty. In 1978, while married to James
Taylor, Simon hosted the secret wedding
of then-Charlie's Angel Kate Jackson to
six-years-younger actor Andrew Stevens.
Jackson later complained that she was
too mature for Stevens, and that mar-
riage is now a fling of the past, but this
year. at 33, Jackson married again: Тһе
lucky fellow is businessman David Green-
wald, who is the same age as Stevens.

At 24, fledgling Andy Gibb failed to hold
on to Victoria Principal, 32; the breach
sent him into a brief tail spin and a re-
ported nervous breakdown, and too much
cocaine, he later admitted, caused him
to lose his voice and his job as host of
Solid Gold. But the young are resilient,
and he bounced back in a stage pro-
duction of The Pirates of Penzance.

Surely, though, there must still be
a young lovely out there somewhere who
would appreciate the doting attention
of a big spender 32 years her senior.
Enter Pia Zadora, truly this year's blazing
flash, who, if nothing else, proved that
sex stardom can be bought. At 26, Pia
is the bride of one Meshulam Riklis, 59, a
millionaire entrepreneur who's been ex-
ceedingly helpful to her career. И she
wants to do commercials, she does them
for Dubonnet, a product of Seagram's,
which he owns; if she wants to sing, she
sings at the Riviera іп Las Vegas,
which he owns; if she wants to shed her
clothes in the movies, she sheds them
for Par-Par Productions, which he owns.
Although doubtless coincidental, all this
is undeniably convenient.

With hubby backing an all-out pub-
licity campaign for Pia's performance
in Butterfly, she even won a Hollywood
Foreign Press Association Golden Globe
award for best newcomer, beating the
likes of Kathleen (Body Heat) Turner and
Elizabeth (Ragtime) McGovern. Some sus-
pected that the foreign writers, whose

choices are often controversially askew,
might have been influenced by ВИ
generosity—a notion denied on all sides.
In any case, domestic critics were much
less kind to Zadora's acting, and Butter-
fly fluttered quietly to the ground. But
everybody agreed that Pia looked ter-
tific with her clothes off, and she prom-
ises to return.

Although she doesn't appear to be,
Pia is at least beyond the age of con-
sent, which makes her a welcome relief
from Brooke Shields, the underage untouch-
able. For a change, Brooke stayed out of
trouble this year, causing hardly any
fuss at all; she did, however, seek a New
York court injunction to stop a photog-
rapher from exploiting nude photos
taken of her when she was ten.

Shields had a clone who kicked up
her own kind of daffy difficulty. Pretty
Phoebe Cates teamed up with Willie Aumes
(from Eight Is Enough) in Paradise, а
film that was suspiciously similar to
19805 The Blue Lagoon, staring
Shields and Christopher Atkins—right
down to plot and poster. Even Cates was
quoted as calling Paradise a “rip-off,”
but a judge ultimately disagreed, re-
jecting a bid by Columbia Pictures to
stop Embassy ‘ures from releasing
the Lagoon look-alike. Finally given the
chance to see Paradise, the public just
yawned and let the palm trees wither.

Cates got a better and far more orig-
inal break later in the year in the sexy
Fast Times at Ridgemont High, in
which her amusingly explicit lesson on
how to give head (later toned down) ini-
tially earned the picture an X rating.
This cutie, incidentally, is the daughter
of TV producer Joseph Cates and the
niece of producer-director Gilbert Cates,
whose credits include both Broadway
and screen versions of I Never Sang for
My Father; and her co-star, Jennifer Jason
leigh, is the daughter of the late Vic
Morrow. All of which reminds us of just
how fast a whole new generation of
youngsters bearing familiar genes is com-
ing onto the scene.

By now, of course, all those who han-
ker after gorgeous Nastassic Kinski must
know she’s the daughter of famed Ger-
man actor Klaus Kinski. Although a fine
actress, Nastassia has built a reputation
on several ісеп romances with well-
known directors and a natural flair for
onscreen nudity. She still lacks a runaway
hit, sulfering this year through the flop
of One from the Heart and the margin-
ally more successful Cat People. Dad,
meanwhile, keeps perking along and,
after 180 European pictures, recently
moved to L.A. to expand his American
career.

You might win more bar bets asking
which famous film comics daughter
bared all in the prehistoric Quest for
Fire. Pay off on Rae Dawn, offspring of

Tommy Chong, who said he didn’t mind the
nudity but was glad she didn't do porn.
"The sweetheart of Neil Simon's I Ought to
Be in Pictures, Dinah МопоВ, is the look-
alike daughter of Oscar-winning Lee Grant.
The Greatest American Hero's William
Katt is the scion of actor parents Barbera
Hale and Bill Williams; Timothy (Taps) Hutton
is the son of the late Jim Hutton; Broad-
way-bound Maria Burton has quite a pair
of parents in Elizabeth Taylor and Richard
Burton (who teased the tabloids this year
with rumors of a resumed romance that
didn’t resume).

Young Griffin O'Neal starred in his first
film, The Escape Artist, joining dad Ryan
and sister Тоют in the pro circle. Griffin
also added to his reputation by knocking.
out the tooth of a fellow trying to snatch
a famous purse—one belonging to Pop's
steady girl, Farrah Faweett. (It's expected,
by the way, that Farrah will become the
8 stepmom once she concludes a messy
divorce fight with Lee Majors.)

Dolly Parton's little sister Rachel Dennison
stepped into the TV version of 9 10 5,
reprising the role that made Sis a hit
in her feature-film debut. Meanwhile,
Parton herself teamed with Burt Reynolds
to pack audiences in for the rollicki
musical The Best Little Whorchouse in
Texas. With him in his toupee and her in
her wig, they both settled down to a long
summer's gig.

Naturally, as with every Reynolds
wrap, there were rumors that Parton was
Burt's offscreen Dolly as well. But she
insisted that their friendship was too
good to screw up. Besides, she's been
married for 16 years 10 Carl Dean, who
tends the farm back near Nashville. Con-
ceding that it’s an odd and distant mar-
riage, she still says it’s worth staying
faithful for.

Reynolds looked tired in Whorchouse,
and it's no wonder. He's still cranking
out more pictures than any other super-
star—and chasing more women, the latest
being Loni Anderson of WKRP іп Cincin-
nati. She was preceded by L.A. TV co-
host Tawny Little, who was preceded by
Rachel Ward, Reynolds’ co-star іп Sharky’s
Machine, in turn preceded by Sally Field,
who co-starred, ес. etc. (It's those
etc.s that can wear a man out.)

Burt started all this, you may recall,
with an appearance on the old TV show
The Dating Game, on whid a cute
blonde starlet failed to pick him as the
most desirable of three unseen bachelors.
So here's another good trivia question
that might pick up a few bucks at the
neighborhood bar: What other hand-
some, mustachioed devil, currently rival-
ing Reynolds for the hearts of the ladies,
was also a Dating Game contestant early
in his career—and also failed to be
chosen by the lady of the moment?

Sure, you knew all along it had to be

(continued on page 295)

EEE

“Welcome home for Christmas! I've been baking for days!”

221

ў 0.
0.9 m. nicotine =. рег cigarette by FIC method.

Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined

That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health.

of

There's only one sensation this
refreshing. Low 'tar' Kool Lights.
The taste doesn't miss a beat.

There's only one way to play it.

PLAYBOY

Louise and Me кын» page 101)

“It is a tribute to her charms that she was able to keep
ONeill and Reed simultaneously involved.”

in the dunes and the sca air, she was no
longer confined by society's mores and
cagerly let her spirit take over her life.
Not surprisingly, Louise took to Prov-
incctown even more than Reed did. He
had liked the structure and the urban
atmosphere of Greenwich Village, wi
Louise felt more alive in the country.
She would stay on in Provincetown for
weeks after Recd had left. With her
friends, dreamers and adventurers, she
would lic in the sun and sand and fan-
tasize that she was in the hot, erotic Sa-
hara. At other times, she and her friends
would sit and talk for hours of Russia,
which scemed far away, romantic and
emancipated. Reed, of course, was excit-
ed about the political implications of
the revolution, but Louise, charged by
the dunes’ sensuous atmosphere, would
1 to the exotic and romantic images
1 ир by a country in revolt.
vincetown's atmosphere encour-
aged more than mere fantasies, however.
It was there that Louise decided to have
an affair with Eugene O'Neill. It is a
wibute to her charms and her skill
that she was able to keep O'Neill and
Reed, who were friends, simultaneously
involved with her without hurting either
one. By convincing O'Neill that she and
Reed lived like brother and cr, she
enticed the playwright into a relation-
ship that enabled him to sleep with his
friend's wife without losing respect fo
her party. And by giving Reed no
reason to question her feelings, she never
aroused his suspicion:
Still, Louise was not really а manipu-
lator; she we her, a romantic dream
cr. When she listened to Reed talk about
going to Russia, she did not focus on
pictures of food lines, committee meet-
ngs and workers’ strikes but fantasized
instead about ice palaces, beautiful win-
ter clothes and mystical northern lights.
Those flights of fancy were not, how-
ever, indications of a shallow, weak or
irresponsible woman. She not only was
physically secure enough to pose naked
in the dunes, which was then a daring
act, but was intellectually sure enough
of her talents and abilities to get an
nment from the first feminis
in this country to go to Rus
report on what the Russian women were
experiencing. Ultimately, she wrote not
just an article about her experiences
but an en book, Six Red Months in
Russia. Thus, in spite of the fact her
dreams and her manner were almost

totally apolitical, she managed to be-
come involved in an area in which few
women had ever been involved and to
hold her own against political giants
amid the issues of the day.

Recently, I had the privilege of por-
traying Louise Bryant in the film Ten
Days That Shook the World, directed by
Russia's finest director, Sergei Bondar-
chuk. I lived the Soviet Union for
three and a half months and enjoyed not
only an intense cinematic experience
but also a rather unsheltered and ex-
uemely human day-to-day Soviet exist-
ence. As a result, I came to understand
to the best of my ability America's most
mysterious and most politically threaten-
ing competitor. Because 1 was to play
Louise in the movie, I spent a great deal
of time getting to know about her life
and came to feel a great kinship with
her, regarding her almost as а mentor
and an inspiration. Because I am an
American who has built a carcer in Eu-
rope, has never shied away from difficult
journeys and has always felt it important
to be free a ted, I couldn't

My work, like Louise's, has taken me
all over the world, giving me the oppor-
tunity to savor many cultures, peoples
and situations. 1 have played the lead in
98 major European films, have been
privileged to work with Europe's finest
directors and actors, have made record
albums that have had world-wide suc-
cess and have performed in my own tele-
ision specials. There is only one great
frustration in my professional life, and
that is that I have never had the chance
to work in my own country—perhaps
playing a girl from a place such as Up-
per Sandusky, Ohio, the small town
where I spent most of my childhood.

And though I sometimes feel that be-
ing an American actress in Europe is a
handicap, I am always grateful for its
fabulous fringe benefits. Unable to re-
main close to my roots or my home
town, I have had to become something
a fearless adventurer prepared to fit
into many worlds without being judg-
mental. But while 1 have always been
regarded by other people аз айуеп-
turous, I was humbled by Louise's cour-
age and accomplishments—it was so
much harder to travel and to be an
independent woman back then that 1
knew she was much braver and much
more of a trail blazer than I.

"Then, when I stood in the same places

she had stood in Russia and in Province
town, re-creating her actions and move
ments, I felt a bit haunted, as if Louise
had started living inside my body. That
kind of schirophrenic reaction is not an
uncommon one for an actress, but I had
never before experienced it as profoundly.

1 gradually began to understand why
she had such a hold on me. Ап actress
plays characters by calling up aspects of
her personality that arc not necessarily
close to the surface but are demanded by
the part. Then, when the role is donc
and those aspects are no longer justified,
she pushes them back into her psychc.
But Louise Bryant never censored her-
self. She was so unfettered in her feel-
s and so secure in herself that she
didn't need an excuse to summon up
repressed parts of her personality. She let
all her multiple personalities, thoughts
and wants come to thc forefront when-
ever they needed to. "That, 1 believe, is
why she was so free and so fearless.

Now, even though I am no longer
playing her, Louise still inhabits a part
of my being. She has taught me that it i
possible for us to live out our dreams as
long as we have faith in the future and
a sense of romance and adventure.
While people had always told me that I
appeared to be fearless, 1 knew myself
that deep down, I was apprehensive
about the future. After going to Russia
and giving myself ovcr to Louise's spirit,
however, I learned that you can and will
be happy if you choose to be. So, rather
than waste time worrying about what is
going to happen, I now try to face life
with a positive and open attitude. То-
morrow, I've discovered, will take care of
itself, especially if today is lived properly.

Louise also taught me not only that
independence and courage are impor-
tant but that life is meant to be shared.
Romance, 1 learned, means more than
going from one man to the next; even
total abandon is more meaningful and
satisfying when balanced against an ideal
love that is lasting, Her spiritual love for
and commitment to John Reed put her
relationships with other men and her
constant travels in a more balanced
perspective: Although she insisted on
having it all, she ncver once lost her
sense of priorities. Even though she was
а true American, she did not hesitate for
a moment to go to Reed in Russia, quiet-
ly enduring great hardships and braving
grave danger, because her commitment
to him was the deepest, most important
value in her life. And th to me, is
what remains most inspiring and most
memorable about Louise Bryant—for
though that sense of commitment, like
all sincere commitments, now scems to be
out of fashion, it can still clarify the соп.
fusion in which we often find ourselves.

us AGUIDE (J
JUSTSLATED MANUAL, IATEMDED AS 5
TOS SOCIALIST CHILDAEM YET ТИВОЯИ. WAS PAODUCED
PAEHUMOUSLY TO РЯЕРАЯЕ THE MASSES FOR
INEVITABLE LOSS OF THEIS 500И-ТО-ВЕ -М
GLOAIOUS LEADEN. ы
THE PLAYBOY EDITOAIAL МОЯКЕЯЗ' COLLECTIVE

ОИЕ DA iz LEONID BAEZEINEV кїт

T IS SUNDAY In OUA DEAR MOTHERLAMD А DAY WHOSE PURPOSE IS DEFIMED IN SECTION 134 OF OUA MucH-EWIEP CONSTITU-
TIOU AG PRODUCTIVE FUU-HAVIVG e WE PUT TO YOU A QUESTION: 15 IT TRULY

A DAY OF AEST РОЯ THE PRESIDENT OF THE PRESIDIUM OF THE 1.5.6.4. SUPREME SOVIET 2 "YET AUD ЙУЕТ АЙР NYET,” SU TE
MASSES, СОЯЯЕСТЬУ CAY, "FOR IT 16 WELL КИОШИ BY WOSKIMG PEOPLES EVERYWHERE THAT THE GENERAL SECAE TARY

OF THE CEUTAAL COMMITTEE ОҒ THE COMMUNIST PARTY OF THE SOVIET UNIONS COMMITMENT TO HIS TASKS IS SUCH THAT
НЕ DEDICATES EVEN HIS PAECIOUS FEW MOMENTS OF GOCIALIST LEISURE TO BUILDING COMMUNISM 1"

y THE THAEE-TIME HEAO OF THE SOVIET ЦИЮИ АИР HIS CLOSEST СОМЯАРЕ IM ARMS AWAKEN EROM THEIR GLORIOUS ]
SLUMBER:

9, THEY AAE WARMLY GAEETED ВУ THE STIAAING STHAMS OFTHE INTERMATIOMALEFAFNDERED WITH VAST
HESATIVESS By THE COLLECTIVE VOICES OF THE FIFTEENTH WAKE-UP-ALAAM CO-OPERATIVE,

ARSE, YE PRISOMERS OF STARVATION,

WK wale)

noo

THE олу BEGINS WITH А MASSIVE DISPLAY BY THE DOMESTIC BAIGADE OF READINESS TO DO HOUSEWORK,
o= т =

OOD - an eee pf И$үруош5 SPRERD- [; „>
=_= FIN оос ЕЕ

Sk, THE PARROT

ў 15 ИСМНЕЯЕ М
SIGHT, ТНЕЯЕ HAS
\ BEEN A SHAKE UF

Jb DIMITRI, THE canny

DAUGHTER 15 BACK

4 m Favon!
ив MENTS IELAXATIOI

EE M ONSE 1 ЕУЕН Pan row Û TRE БООИТУ OF mE SOVET HARVEST AMD THE EFFICIENCY OF COLLECTIVIST PAO-

CHAIRMAN DUCTION МЕ KNOWN TO SCCIALIST PEOPLES EVERYWHERE, LIKE HIS FELLOW CITIZEUS,
DEFENSE COUNCIL OF THE SOVIET STATE THE PAIZE-WIMUIMG AUTHOR OF THE WAGIN LANDS 15 GRATEFUL TO LIVE M А
ME У ы PAOLETASIIAM MATION WHERE ВЯЕАР 15 AS PLEMTIFUL AS SVOW.

ҚАСЫН >

то THOSE WHO gave THEI LIVE не |

Consyaicrion of the Byelgaussian Se ед т

y = У , чеэтеярлу nus
KA- BLAMMO! ANOTHER — 4 ч Я

Т| AMERICAN CARRIER p : S " TODAY 1ч MMUTES,
BITES THE ТОИСЯА! A Г À

WRITTEN BY HENRY CEARD, CHRISTOPHER CERF, TONY GEISS

RLUSTRATED BY FRANK SPRINGER

226

НЕ OMETIME CHIEF OF THE POLITICAL РЕРАЯТ- АИР TO GUIDE THE YOUNG ONTO THE PATH OF СОЯЯЕСТ IDEOLOGICAL On.

TWAS LIQUIDATED Y IF YOU CHILOREU VCW, WOW,
LAST ПМЕ, THIS |) РО МСТ BEHAVE, HAMUSHKA ,
MARXIST- LEMIMIST THOUGHT... (Яя TIME,Z wavt TO / YOU WILL GET Two | SOCIALIST YOUTH.

2 YEARS AT HAAD PLAY A WILL BE SOCIALIST
МАЯХ SAID, "FROM EACH ACCORDING TO HIS. x N Your?

ABILITY, TO EACH A TO HIS VEED,"
СОМЯАГЕ, YOU HAVE THE ABILITY, АИС
THIS TABLE HEEOS CLEAVIVO.

aL SED x NR

„

сууту R

"THE ЯЕСІРІЕИТ OF THE 1975 ҒЯЕРЕЯІС JOLIOT-CURIE GOLD MEDAL OF PEACE AMD HIS FAMILY ADHERE STAICTLY То PARTY PSOCEDUSIE

Î SELECTING A PROPER MEANS OF MASS RECREATION
COMSIADE LACKEY HITCH
UP THE DISSIDENT POETS!

Жамау Dav... Ж D

PERFECT РОЯ А ЕЯ и

(боя BEARER ОҒ THE HIGHEST DISTIMCTION OF MERIT OF THE SOVIET STATE --ҒОИЯ HERO STARS~IS А MAM OF THE PEOPLE: НЕ
ISHARES WITH THEM THEIR CHEEAFUL PATIENCE ARD THEIA LOVE OF THE GREAT

i 1.IOO, HAD TO WAIT

SLEIGH AIDE, VONT
маям ғоя 16 THIS THE SMOLEMSK T vo, rs THE avemsK E Y он, 1 THOUGHT WE
LIME РОЯ SHOES! іші WEHE СОМ TO
DEE SA

YOU AGREE, СОМ =
AADE FAMILY?
ВЯЕАР НИЕ? РОЯ BAEAD THIS
мояй!иб.
Qi we
) ER

M THE OLD DAYS,
THEY CARED ABOUT
POEIAY. MANDELSHTAM)
WAS SHOT FOR JUST
AHAMDFUL OF POEMS.

COMBADES,
EVERYOME WILL
LIVE LIKE you!

3 ок AWHOLE BOOK OF POEMS
AUD GOT ОЛІУ A BRIER
STINT IM AM

\Asyıun.

BACK Ат HIS DACHA, THE УЛИИЕЯ OF THE 1973 1ЕИМ PEACE PRIZE
ACTS M HIS FAMILIAR FUNCTION OF STREMGTHEMER OF UNITY BE-

YES, THERE 16 MOT
THE SAME IMTEREST
їй LITERATURE TODAY,

Дур, as USUAL, A WARM АИР COMRADELY EXCHANGE OF VIEWS
SERVES TO SETTLE THE DISPUTE. ==

СОМЯАОЕ РЕТЯОУ, YOU AAE AEFLACED, ТЕ
BY THE MEW СОМЯДОЕ РЕТЯОУ, =

COMAADE РЕТЯОУ, LET US AEASON М
AN AMICABLE SOCIALIST МАИИЕЯ. IF YOU GET Я OF OME oA
SN

IMPOSTOR! 1
DENOUNCE

THANK YOU, COMSADE
PRESIDEMT, FOR LIBEAAT.
IMG МУ HOME!

The RECIPIENT OF THE 1979 LEN PRIZE РОЯ LITERATURE DISPLAYS
А PAAISEWOATHY IMTESEST Ih ALL ASPECTS OF THE CULTUAAL FIELD. |

Ат THE DMHEA TABLE, THE TAADITIOMAL HEAD OF THE SOVIET DELE
GATION TO THE POLITICAL CONSULTATIVE COMMITTEE OF THE

WARSAW PACT DISPLAYS A CHARACTERISTIC SYMPATHY FOR THE
4 DOWNTRODDEN PEOPLES OF THE UMFORTUMATE MATO LANDS
(OH, PLAY SHCHARAMSKY'S THIRD COS 9

( a 177 HOW THOSE и THE WEST MUST SUFFER HAVING
D |’ TO EWDURE THIS AWFUL FATE. YET OMI
AH,YES, THE WOWUERFUL K.G.B. MAJOR, THE PERCUSSION $ SKARIMG TEIA SUFFERIMG CAN WE LEARN THE
16 SUBLIME/ А КД DEPTHS OF THEIR EXPLOITATION AUD THUS FMD
VEW MEANS OF БИРМЕ THEIA ENSLAVEMENT.

ЕАТ/ЯЕМЕМВЕЯ
THE STARVING
AMERICANS!

YES, Г HAVE COUSPIRED
ALWAYS ACAMST THE SOVIET
шши (WOMPIOUCH!) АИР.
AGAMST 17$ STEADFAST

ALLIES

BUT THE FOAMEA LEADER OF THE COMMUMIST PASTY OF THE MOLDAVIAN 5.5.9, IS ALSO А МАИ OF SIMPLE TASTES, AMDHE SHARES:
WITH HIS FELLOW МОЯКЕЯ5 A LOVE OF SPORT.

AMD TELL THE COACH OF THE

MAGNETOASK MAGMETOS THAT НЕ? BETTEA ADOPT А COMPHEHEMSN

FIVE -ЛМИОТЕ PLAM FOR GOAL PRODUCTION, СЯ IT'S TEM YEARS IM
THE PEMALTY BOX!

Be

#5 GAAMDCHILDAEN TO SOCIALIST SLUMBER, THE OVIETIME HEAD OF THE THE ZAPHOROZHYE SIEGIOMAL PARTY
SEATS ONE CF HS CELEBRATED 4-HOUA LECTURES, FILLING THE LITTLE ONES WITH A ВИЯИМЕ DESIAE TO OBTAM MECESSARY REST.

THE ЯЕТОЯИ con OF THE VAST T BLAST 2
N ZAPOROZMYE| Sj WILL иот ойу этли AS А ЯК ЕГ |

DAY CLOSES WITH A MUTUAL DISPLAY OF SOVIET ТЕЙЕЯМЕ65 BETWEEN THE MUCH ОЕСОЯАТЕО FORMER FOUTICAL MISTHUCTOR IM
THE BATTLES OF THE GAEAT PATRIOTIC WAR AMD HIS WIFI

> á MAY YOU HAVE A PRODUCTIVE
PROGAESSIVE 3 5 VISIT TO THE FRATERMAL AND
DAEAMS, SPOUSE 1 PEACE LOVING LAO OF VOD, TESTED
OF THE LEADER OF 5 AMD EXPERIEVCED LEADER OF THE
THE РАЯТУ АИР THE 2 Е LEMIVIST SCHOOL WHO, ги MAY
STATE IM WHOSE 1976, WAS MAMED MARSHAL OF
HOVOR A BAOAZE THE SOVIET UNION М RECOGHITION
BUST HAS BEEM WE OF HS CUTSTAMDING SERVICE м
ERECTED In л 2 i STAEUGTHEMIMG THE SECURITY OF
DMEPAOOZEAZHISK, | x
HIS VATWE СПУ. ‹

р, = THE WORLD'S PEOPLES.
а =

227

PLAYBOY

With ENOUGH SHOVELS

(continued from page 154)

“If there are enough shovels to go around, every-

body’s going to make it.

2»

CIA analyst who had been responsible
for evaluating Soviet strategic nuclear
forces. He has spent much of his adult
life concerned with the question of nu-
clear war and has heard all the arguments
about nuclear-war fighting and survival.
But an experience from his youth, he
told me, remains in his mind and, he ad-
mits, may yet color his view.

This п had conducted some of the
most important CLA studies on the бо
ets and nuclear war. Now in his middle
years, still youthful in manner, clean-cut
and obyiously patriotic, the father of a
Marine on active duty, he recently left
the CIA to join a company that works
for that agency, so I cannot use his name.

He told me about this experience of
his youth because he was frightened by
the Reagan Administration's casual talk
about waging and winning а nudear
war and thought it did not really com-
prehend what kind of weapon the bomb
was. As an illustration, he recalled hav-
ing seen, as a lieutenant. in the Navy, а
bomb go off near Christmas Island in the
ific. Years later, at the CIA, he had
worked with computer models that de-
tailed the number of fatalities likely to
result from various nuclear-war-targeting
scenarios. But to bring a measure of
reality to these computer projections, he
would return in his mind as he did now
to that time in the Pacific.

“The birds were the things we could
sce all the time. They were superb spe
mens of life . . . really quite exquisite.
phenomenal creatures. Albatrosses will fly
for days, skimming a few inches above
the surface of the water. These birds
have tremendously long wings and tails,
and beaks that are as if fashioned for
another purpose. You don't see what
these birds are about from their design;
they are just beautiful creatures. Watch-
ing them is a wonder. That is what I
didn’t expect.
We were standing around, waiting
for this bomb to go off, which we had
been told was a very small one, so no
one was particularly upset. Even though
I'd never seen one, 1 figured, Well, these
guys know what is going to happen. They
know what the dangers are and we've
been adequately briefed and we all have
our radiation meters on.... No worry."

He paused to observe that the size of
the bomb to be exploded was ten kilo-
tous, or the equivalent explosive power
of 10,000 tons of TNT. The bombs

228 dropped at Hiroshima and Nagasaki

were 13 and 23 kilotons, respectively.
Now such bombs are mere tactical or
battleficld weapons. Many of the ones
to be used in any US. Soviet nuclear
war are measured in megatons—millions
of tons of INT.

He continued his account:

“So the countdown came in over the
radio, and suddenly I could see all these
birds that I'd been watching for days.
They were now suddenly visible through
the opaque visor of my helmet. And they
were smoking. Their feathers were on
fire. And they were doing cart wheels.
And the light persisted for some time. It
was instantancously bright but wasn't in-
stantancous, because it stayed and it
changed its composition slightly. Several
seconds, it seemed like—long enough for
me to sce birds crash into the water. They
were sizzling, smoking. They weren't v;
porized; it's just that they were absorbing
such intense radiation that they were be-
ing consumed by the heat. Their feathers
were on fire. They were blinded. And so
far, there had been no shock, none of the
blast damage we talk about when we di
cuss the effects of nuclear weapons. In-
stead, there were just these smoking,
twisting, hideously contorted birds crash-
ing into things. And then I could see
vapor rising from the inner lagoon as
the surface of the water was heated by
this intense flash.

“Now, this isn't a primary effect of the
weapon; it is an initial kind of effect that
precedes other things, though it is talked
about and you can see evidence of it in
the Hiroshima blast and in Nagasaki—
outlines of people on bridges where they
stood when the bomb was dropped. But
that initial thermal radiation is а phe-
nomenon that is unlike any other weapon
Гуе seen.”

‘The men who now dominate the Rea-
gan Administration and who believe that
nuclear war is survivable would surely
wonder what those reflections have to do
with the struggle against the Soviet Un-
ion. But what my CIA friend was telling
me was that those birds are us and they
never had a chance.

“IT'S THE DIRT THAT DOES IT"

Very late one autumn night in 1981,
Thomas K. Jones, the man Reagan had
appointed Deputy Undersecretary of
Defense for Research and Engincering
(Strategic and Theater Nuclear Forces),
told me that the U.S. could fully recover
from an all-out nuclear war with the So-

viet Union in just two to four years.
T.K., as he prefers to be known, added
that nuclear war was not nearly so dev-
astating as we had been led to believe.
He said, “If there are enough shovels
to go around, everybody's going to make
it." The shovels were for digging holes
in the ground, which would be covered,
somehow or other, with a couple of doors
and with three feet of dirt thrown on top,
thereby providing adequate fallout shel-
ters for the millions who had been evacu-
ated from U.S.
“I's the dire d

After parts of my interview with T. K.
Jones ran the Los Angeles Times, a
subcommittee of the Senate Foreign Re-
lations Committee demanded that Jones
present himself to defend the views that
Senator Alan Cranston said went “far
beyond the bounds of reasonable, ration-
al, responsible thinking.

Meanw! Senator Charles Percy, the
Republican Chairman of the Foreign Re-
lations Committee, had confronted Jones
at a town meeting in the Senator's home
state of Ilinois and had been sufficiently
troubled by his relatively complacent
views of nuclear war to pressure the Pen-
tagon for an accounting.

But by then, the Administration had
muzled Jones, and he missed his first
three scheduled appearances before the
Senate subcommittee. It was at this p
that a New York Times editor

‘Who is the Thomas K. Jones who is
saying those funny things about
defense?” Elsewhere, Jones's espous
primitive fallout shelters was dismissed
by editorial writers and cartoonists as a
preposterous response to what nuclear war
was all about. However, what these dis-
missals ignored was that Jones's notions
of civil defense, odd as they may seem,
are crucial to Reagan’s strategic policy.

Reagan’s nuclear-arms build-up follows
from the idea that the U.: vulnerable
to Soviet nuclear weapons, idea that
rests in part on calculations made by this
same Jones before he joined the Govern-
ment, when he worked for the Boeing
Company. It was li
efficacy of Soviet civi
vided much of the statis
for the view that the Soviets could rea-
sonably expect to survive and win a
nudear war while we, hout à com-
parable civil-defense program, would
necessarily lose.

And it was his celebration of the shov-
el and of primitive shelters that helped
ration's
ability. In fact, it
from the Russians that he had borrowed
the idea of di g holes in the first place.
He had become fascinated with the pow-
erful defen: ics of dirt only
after he had read Soviet civil-defei
manuals that advocated such procedures.

(continued on page 299)

“айп of U.S.

1. TRIM LINE
GAS SAVER FLEET

With U-HAUL, you get a light-
weight, low-profile, aerodynamic
moving van designed to safely
and economically move your
family and furniture.

2. MOVING VANS—
NOT FREIGHT TRUCKS

With U-HAUL, you get a moving
van, not just a truck or trailer

A moving van that is gentle оп
you and your furniture. With a
soft, furniture-saving suspension,
padded interior easy-loading
low deck and lots of tiedowns.
And it's easy to drive or tow
U-HAUL designs and

manufactures its own trucks
and trailers specifically for the
household mover. We don't buy
our vehicles for later resale

to industrial users. You can rent
or borrow a rough-riding freight
truck almost anywhere.
U-HAUL won't rent

gas-guzzling, freight truck for
moving. We don't rent trucks—
we rent moving vans. And we've
been doing this since 1945.

3. SAFETY AND
SECURITY

With U-HAUL, you get a moving
van that is in first-class mechan-
ical condition. And we make
certain it stays that way We

with 6,000 dealers, 1,000 moving
centers, 600 mobile repair
units, 150 maintenance shops,
six manufacturing plants, a
research center and a certified
test track. You can count on
our road service 24-hours a day
for no additional money We
are always nearby — willing,
quick and able.

4. LOW RENTAL RATES

Topping all this, U-HAUL will
match any competitor's rate,
discount or guarantee" Just tell
us. We mean it when we say

"U-HAUL COSTS YOU LESS! Less

worry, less time, less work,
less damage, less gas — less
overall cost.

THE BEST COSTS YOU LESS

BECAUSE

MOVING
IS OUR
“Except where Traffic Control Foes apply

BUSINESS

DOES YOUR television lose its
flavor in the bedroom overnight?
Do you often find yourself
switching from channel to chan-
nel, hoping (ever in vain) to
find late-night entertainment
with a little more spice than
Johnny Carson dressed up as а
bag lady or the rampaging rep-
tile in Son of the Thing That
Ate New Hampshire? Don't de-
spair. The antidote to your
television doldrums is here. Dr.
Playboy has just arrived with a
potent prescription: the new
Playboy Channel, available on
more than 180 cable-television
systems throughout the country;
the Playboy television maga-
zine, available to more than
600,000 over-the-air pay-TV sub-
scribers in ten major cities; and
Playboy Video, cassettes and
discs that bring you up to 90
minutes of the best of the elec-
tronic PLAYBOY, plus special
features available only to home-
video-cassette and disc buyers.
If you like PLAYBOY magazine,
you'll love The Playboy Chan-
nel, which brings to life many

join us as we ride the
new wave in adult
home entertainment
with video cassettes,
discs, cable and on-
the-air pay tv

of the magazine's most popular
features: the Playmates, for
instance. We do our best in this
magazine to convey the penson-
alities of these lovely ladies
through photographs and words,
but with the added dimensions
of movement and sound, our
television profiles of Playmates
will give you a, shall we say,
more well-rounded view.

Take another example:
You've seen our pictorial cover-
age of the annual New Year's
Eve pajama party at Playboy
Mansion West. But (believe us!)
photographs and written words
cannot fully convey the sensu-
ous and frolicsome atmosphere
that prevails when several hun-
dred of Hollywood's most beau-

drink and no holds barred. This
year, Playboy Channel sub-
scribers (and their ladyfriends)
are invited to don their paja-
mas and join the party—via a
Playboy Channel Special—to
(text concluded on page 236)

VIDEO PLAYMATES: Sexy cen-
terfolds from the magazine
come alive

those to enter your living room
via TV are (оп monitors, from
left): Playmote of the Year Shan-
non Tweed, Potricia Farinelli, Lin-

А VIDEO DISH: The magic of modern communicotions is what it's oll about, so Kimberly Mehr-
thur, Miss Janvory 1982, poses іп an earth-station receiver (below). On The Playboy Chonnel,
Kimberly and other Playmotes deliver station breaks; that’s who! we call о pouse that refreshes.

Wiesmeier, emerging from the pool on the grounds of Playboy Mansion West; at right is Kelly Tough, embodying living proof thot it's not
all done with mirrors. Lynda was PLAvsoy’s Miss July 1982 and Kelly wos the mogozine's Playmate of the Month for October 1981.

PREVIEW PLAYMATE: At left is
an advance look at PLAYBOY'S Miss
January 1983, Lorraine “Lonny”
Chin, wha has been chosen as the
first Playboy Video Playmate. ton-
ny is a premier attraction on vol-
ume one of Video, which is now on
the market in disc, VHS and Beta
formats. Like the first issue of the
magazine, the first Playboy Video
cassette and disc are likely to be-
соте saught-ofter collectors items.

RIBALD CLASSICS: One of
PiAYBOY's long-running attractions
(a tale from the Decomeron ran
in the first issue of the magazine,
in December 1953), the Ribald
Classic is receiving a loving visual
translation for TV. At right, Сіпа
Calabrese gets ready for a scene
in The Ring and the Gorter, bosed
on a bowdy story by Casanova.
Playboy’s video versian preserves
the erotic mood of the original.

PLAYBOY INTERVIEWS: Next to the Playmate, PLAYBOY magazine's mast talked-about feature is the Playboy Interview, so, naturally, it’s a
vital ingredient of the electronic PLAvsov as well. Now you can sit in an canversatians with such personages as Brazilian actress Sonic
Braga (top left), star of Lady on the Bus and the forthcoming Gabrielo; author-political aspirant Gore Vidal (above left); singer-dancer-
actress Fran Jeffries (above center); country musician Merle Haggard (who entertained Playboy video staffers aboard his boat, top right);
ond John and Bo Derek (above right), wha need na introduction. Also quizzed for video hove been humorist Art Buchwald, Nobel Prize—
winning physicist Hans Bethe, actresses Barbara Carrera and Sylvia Kristel, television host Dick Cavett and comics Cheech and Chong. 233

UVE ENTERTAINMENT: Playbay уідес cameras will capture
the best in live performances, fram rock ta jazz to improvisa-
tional comedy. Events already recorded include the faurth
annual Playboy Jazz Festival at the Hollywood Bawl (left) and а
special oppearance by Manhattan Transfer at Playboy Mansion
West (abave), plus a visit to Los Angeles’ famous Comedy Stare.

MODERN LIVING: You expect it from pLavsor-advice on fashion, food and drink, cars and
gadgetry that’s just plain fun. You'll get it in the magazine's videa version, too, іп irre-
sistible live-action phatography. Above left, а fashion shaoting takes place at The New York
Botanical Garden; above center, behind the scenes an some automotive caverage; at right,
Playmate Missy Cleveland demonstrates toys for the tub (batteries and Missy not included).

PLAYBOY PICTORIALS: Video crews, like
magazine readers, have checked out Jake
La Motto's ex, Vikki (above), whase story
helped make our Navember 1981 issue a top
seller. At right, a prospect for the upcaming
Girls of Aspen—magazine and videa versions.

MOVIE TIME: R-rated erotic films—no X

fare included—complete an evening’s enter-

tainment on The Playboy Channel. Sub.

scribers can relax in the comfort of th

own bedrooms (left) and view such classic

cinematic fare as The Stud, with Joan Collins and Oliver Tobias (below), and
Emmanuelle Il, with Sylvia Kristel and Umberto Orsini (bottom). (For Collins’
comments on The Stud, see page 30.) Also on tap for videophiles: a Movies at
the Mansion series hosted by Hef, complete with pipe and a Playmate or two.

PLAYBOY

236 Silverman as

welcome іп 1983 without having to worry
about who's going to drive home when
the festivities are over.

The birth of The Playboy Channel this
winter is the result of Playboy Produc-
tions' taking over the creative manage-
ment (in partnership with Rainbow
Productions) of what was once Escapade,
the nation's largest adult pay-television
channel. The transition process began
last January, when Playboy presented
the first of a series of magazine-format
shows called The Playboy Channel, as
well as an erotic movie, Vanessa, on
what was then the Escapade Channel.
Since then, ten editions of the electronic
magazine have aired and have suc-
cessfully set the tone for the kind of
innovative, eclectic and sophisticated
programing for which The Playboy
Channel will be known.

The electronic magazine, which in
some ways is modeled om the printed
one, brings you a monthly Playmate who
tells you about her life (while our cam
eras follow her every beautiful move
ment); interviews with such news makers
and celebrities as Gore Vidal, John and
Bo Derck, Art Buchwald, Dick Cavett,
Jake and Vikki La Motta and nuclear
physicist Hans Bethe; a Dear Playmates
feature in which our centerfold girls dis-
cuss how they feel about men, dating and
relationships; visually plush dramatiza-
tions of the Ribald Classics; and reviews
of movies and music (the latter accom-
panied by hot film footage of live per-
formances by such stars as former New
York Bunny Deborah Harry, Manhattan
Transfer, the J. Geils Band, Buddy Rich,
the Tubes and the Motels). For news on
the light side, there's Playboy on the
Scene, with hosts Peter Tomarken and
Shannon Tweed. Shannon, 1982 Playmate
of the Year and a regular on the channel,
made history as the video Playmate on
our very first show.

If initial reviews of the electronic
magazine are a good indication, we're
headed in the right direction. “This
is a class act,” wrote Multichannel News,
the Bible of the cable industry. Time
said, “A lot of folks like to watch late-
night TV, and Playboy [is] turning out
something different.” U.P.L's Kenneth
Clark wrote, “It’s a big, slick produc-
tion.”

Or, as one cable-industry observer put
it, "It's the only class act in adult pro-
graming in the country, by fa

To ensure for our viewers that Playboy
television productions will have the
visual attractiveness, style and wit
characteristic of PLAYBOY magazine,
Playboy Enterprises has enlisted the
services of Paul Klein as President of
Тһе Playboy Cable Network and Don
Supervising Producer.

Klein, who as head of programing at
NBC initiated such blockbuster shows as
Holocaust, Shogun and Centennial, will
be responsible for the overall super-
vision of Playboy's homevideo, pay-
television and cable-channel operations.
Silverman, a former producer for Para-
mount Television and director of day-
time programing for ABC-TV, is a
three-time Emmy winner (for The Dick
Cavett Show; Rape: The Hidden Crime;
and Organized Crime in America, a
three-hour NBC White Paper).

Says Klein, “We want to use the con-
cepts of the magazine—the entire scope
of the magazine's lifestyle and interests—
as the foundation for a television atmos-
phere that make our viewers feel that
they're getting something very good, very
private and very special."

Of course, the guiding light behind
the Channel will be Hef. As hc puts it:
“We want to create a special communica-
tion with a special audience—an urban,
adult, sophisticated audience—just as
we did when we started. the "Playboy
Clubs in the Sixties. In a way, The
Playboy Channel will be like an clec-
tronic Playboy Club."

А Club, we might add, with a wide
variety of acts. The Playboy Channel's
programing already includes music and
comedy specials, in-depth interviews,
lifestyle documentaries, game shows and,
of course, specially selected adult films.

Already scheduled for December and
January are three one-hour specials
on Playmate sports competition, a spe-
cial called The Playboy Years, a series
of half-hour shows on aerobic dance pre-
sented by Playmates, filmed highlights
of the 1982 Playboy Jazz Festival and a
“surprise special” that we think will
blow your socks off. Also premiering
soon will be Loving, an ongoing audi-
ence-participation panel show in which
two psychiatrists, a moderator and spe-
cial guest experts will discuss lifestyle
and love problems—such as jealousy, sex
at the office and homosexuality. And, as
Klein says, Theres much, much
more in the works. Like the magazine,
Тһе Playboy Channel will have a
Playmate Review every January. Again
like the magazine, we'll do an annual
review of Sex Stars and Sex in Cinema.
We're planning a multipart special on
The History of Sex in Cinema. One of
our regular features will be Sunday
Night Movies at the Mansion. 105 been
a tradition for 15 years for Hef to show
movies to his friends in the Playboy
Mansion Living Room, and we think
it's about time Playboy fans got a chance
to sit in. Hef will be the host and in-
troduce the films.”

Shows in the planning stage include a
3-D movie starring several Playmates

(“We'll provide the glasses," says Klein,
"so our subscribers won't have to run
out to buy them"); specially produced
30-t0-90-minute dramas based оп ori
nal PLAvBov fiction (“PLAYBOY fiction
has long been a source for movie and
television scripts," says Klein, "such as
the movies The Fly and The Hustler
and plots for television shows such as
Ducl. Now we can do some of it our-
selves"); and, he says, a show "about, by
and for women.” Both comedy and
drama aimed at women are currently on
the drawing board.

In addition to those completely new
programs, The Playboy Channel will,
from time to time, show excerpts of
the best entertainment from the early
Playboy Penthouse and Playboy After
Dark television shows, induding rare
film footage of jazz and comedy greats
from earlier decades. “Probably the best
way to describe the mix we'll have,” says
Hefner, "is the way you'd describe the
things you need for a proper wedding:
something old, something new, some-
thing borrowed and something blue.”
We think you'll find it something special.

One of the unique aspects of Playboys
video effort is its emphasis on original
programing—most existing services rely
principally on theatricalrelease movies.
However, The Playboy Channel will
smit some erotic, R-rated cinema
classics as well. Already booked, for ex-
ample: Sonia Braga in Lady on the Bus
and Ен Te Amo, Richard Harris іп
Your Ticket Is No Longer Valid, Joan
Collins in The Stud and Sylvia Kristel
in Emmanuelle И.

So how can you get The Playboy
Channel in your own home (if you don't
have it already)? If you're living in a
city not serviced by one of the cable
systems that carry The Playboy Channel,
our shows may be available to you via
over-the-air subscription TV, through
outlets such as ON-TV in Los Angeles,
Chicago, Dallas-Fort Worth, Miami-
Fort Lauderdale, Portland and Phoenix
and similar services in Boston, Cleveland,
Minneapolis, Washington, D.C, Mil-
waukee, Indianapolis, Oklahoma City
and St. Louis. If you're among the
more than 10,000,000 people throughout
the world who own a video. cassette or
-disc player, you can enjoy the Playboy
ео experience by purchasing the cas-
settes and discs of Playboy Video, which
are distributed through CBS-Fox Video
and are even now on sale in thousands
of video stores world-wide.

Television programing for grownups
has just grown up. With The Playboy
Channel and Playboy Video cassettes
and discs, you, too, can put a litle
groove in your tube.

WE. NOT. ELIS DID А CHRISTMAS ALBUM...
ROCK STARS DON'T =

50 s) Dear N m I| | SOHN DENVER pe ONE,

N

50 WAS JESUS,
Е BiG

> ок, МЕ CAN UPDATE THE
1 E INTHESIZERS,

SOMETIMES IT SEEMS
THAT ALL THE SENTIMENT
|. HAS GONE OUT oF
— CHRISTMAS 7 j.

Bm

238

THROUGH SPACE ANDTIM
as WITH ` CHRISTMAS STORY”

‚ SCHWIMMER.

`. JONES

T —*
[MERRY снеіѕтмаз/ Bur WHY ME? X
!TODAY, WE FIND OUR WHY DO IHAVE To
HEROES ON THE
PLANET L'AE, de, грба
WHERE THEY ARE с
PARTICIPATING IN
THAT MOST SACRED

= 72
"CAUSE YOU'RE,
THE JOLLIEST: »

GIMME THAT DAMN BEARD!

1.21 JOLLY, EH? I'LL SHOW EM =,

UNIVERSE-PATROL
OFFICE PARTY!

ЕГІСТІҢ T LATER THAT EVENING.
“ЖЕДІ -

OH,SANTA! 15 IT 700
LATE FOR REQUESTS?

‘NOT AT ALL.MY DEAR! 1 ALSO WANT A TEENY TINY NEGLIGEE SO
WOULD YOU LIKE TO... FILMY AND SHEER YOU CAN SEE RIGHT THROUGH
* IT ANDA SUPERDELUXE COSMO VIBRATOR
|wirH THREE SPEEDS! BUT MOST OF All...

TERN

%% JOLLY OLD SANTA CLAUS | [. Bur r^ AFRAID Wi ОН, SANTA! YOUR REINDEER ) —

То CARRY ME OFF AND MAKE PASSIONATE |SANTA CAME A ARE WAITING! E á

LOVE TO ME TILL 174700 WEAK TO Д Го Love TO - LITTLE EARLY
| Ac )

THIS YEAR. М С shuopupl у
: f | ү
. | \

Dirty Duck

Bob
zs

Kae
ls {5 FORNICATORS' FORUM.
TELEPHONE 99 NOW AT
| 800-6767 AND Ger IT ,

СЕЕ YOUR С OR
GET IT ол) YOUR CHEST;

ы: DON'T CARE!

IT АҚТ
15 THIS y
DR. DUCK? SEO, =
WHATS YER

cer =!

WE GOT TAG GROWTH
BETWEEN MY LEGS THAT.
CAS LARGER AND LARGER
EVERY TIME, de THINE CE
Loa) 1 ANDERSON 2
WHAT SHOULD | DOF!

ИМ А NEO-NAZI ІМ LOVE WITH
A HOLLYWOOD STARLET, AND
IF SHE DOESN'T MARRY МЄ,
см GONG To BLY A GUN
AND KILL THE PRESIDENT-
QADOUA SAY TO THAT 2//

THERE'S 4
A FIREARMS
STORE ON
11618 STREET
THAT 4

ACCEPTS
MASTER CHARGE-
тел”;

==

DR. Duck, | HAVE А
Hal HH e.
WHAT SHOULD | DOF

Im А TEENAGE? GIRL WHO'S

NEVER MASTURBATED BEFORE

COULD x EE HOW?
e^

FOR
PRESIDENT-
NEXT!

Foust wien N
{ WAS ABOUT TO TELL HER

| ABOUT THE CUCUMBER

AND THE CARROT .
HELLO, DR. DUCK.

400 KVETCH, ГА CECH!

DR.DUCK, | SPOKE To Чо)
LAST WEEK ABOUT
SAVING MU MARRIAGE.
WELL, | FOLLOWED YOUR
ADVICE AND мц WIFE
LEFT МЕ!

Ён: Im A SINGLE WOMAN

SURE: TAKE

А PAIR. OF

HANDCUFFS
AND —

IN HER EARLY 305, VERU
LIBERATED ANO VERY
BEAUTIFUL» WITH A TOP-
FLIGHT TOG In ADVERTISWG
AND A e MIDTOWN)

THE PROBLEM © ALL THE
MEN | MEET AT PARTIES

ARE EITHER БАЧ OR.

NOT INTERESTED JS Sex
WITH ДАЛЕ.

ASEXUALITU ID THE MODERD MALE
© THE RESULT OF А BACKLASH
AGAINST SITES FEMINISM ROOTED
IW FEELINGS OF REJECTION,
INADEQUACY AND A REPRESSED
HOSTILITY TOYARD WOMEN.

۳ слезы
THE CURRENT TREND TOWARD |

LUCU'S PHONE FANTASIES
REVRNING YOUR CALL, SIR!

239

BETSY'S BUDDIES

by Kurtzman and :

Tm 50 AI
55 AF
оноу тодо
ем РЕА

% rests
00 our breasts

у Aas 8
Er

TE

es, garin
thst amd
ORE

ax

Fel БЕТ 'EMUP, GAR
А

have repaired to the Baby Doll
П ee .
"Qe

IDA THOUGHT YOU MADE

YER LIVIN’ ON YER BACK!
Б; HAR! НАР!

TRY то
SOME COMPLAINTS | TEX or

um APOLOGIES TD

na) |

FUNNY, YOU BRINGIN’
ME TO T JOINT...
I USETA WOIK HERE-

۷ 2 \

YKNOW, I'VE SEEN LARGE HEADS
ON GLASSES OF BEER...
вот NEVER

|, VICE VERSA!

THE COMIX
SCENE SUCKS
EVER SINCE
FRITZ THE
CAT DIED...

pc zt

а
2 Inc
1 GET No
Respect!
Ж. Ре

HAD HANDS, 1
COULD LEARN TO
HOLD MY TONGUE!

INNOVATIVENESS;

HARRY. THATS THE
THE SHOCK OF THE WINDOW.

Е THE POWER; THE Y THATS NOT THE Котнко
Bop, Forcerut | PAINTING, HoLısme
A
23
4

DT
1 BEFORE. |
ARE YOU WITH MANAGEMENT?

MEET ME
IN FIFTEEN
MINUTES BEHIND
THE PLAYBOY
PARTY JOKES.

MERRY CHRISTMAS T»
[At AND T) ALL A
боор NIGHTS

L THE PLAYBOY FUNNIES’ ARTISTS, WRITERS AND THEIR CHARACTERS.

PLAYBOY

MOUTH THAT ROARED | (continued from page 130)

“Never had the network switchboard so lit up with an-
gry calls as when Howard did his first world series.”

Howard was always right. Even when
others in the booth made mild judg-
ments of their own, they could not up-
stage Howard or scoop him with an
insight. “Exactly,” he would chime in,
and the point was clear: Howard had
had that particular insight first. If a
player made a mistake, Howard could
be merciless: It was one thing for a
player to fail his teammates; it was a far
more serious thing for him to fail How-
ard. In such instances, he could be re-
lentless, his voice reminding us again
and again of the error.

All this did not mean that Howard
was not a good communicator. In many
ways, he was communicating better than
ever. Like all good comi
was connecting to somethi
ence, and with Howard, in some dark,
involuntary way, the connection was to
the beast beneath the surface in his
wers. He was provoking it, agitating
it, so that millions of people, in spite of
themselves, tuned in. He filled, in a
pemicious way, a particular psychic
need. It was an ugly process.

Somewhere in those y: he had for-
saken journalism. If during the Sixties
the great story for a serious sports jot
nalist was race, in the Seventies, it was
more and more what television and its
concurrent big money had done to
sports. But Howard was part of that very
issue; he had ridden to the top on the
prime instrument corrupting college
athletics, a. television network. Instead
of the probing journalist, he now be-
came the classic modern telecelebrity.
"There was Howard during the 1976
American League playoffs, interview-
ing—if that is the word—Frank and
Barbara Sinatra and passing along
Roone's best wishes, saying that Roone
wanted to be remembered to them. He
was soon appearing on sitcoms and on
roasts. (Like Don Rickles, he was good
at roasts; his first instinct was to insult
people, all in good fun) He was on Bob
Hope specials and even did a couple of
commercials—one for a soft drink (in
which, as I recall, he sang, though not
very well) and another (again, I hope
memory does not fail) for a C.B. radio.
Some friends of mine were disappoint-
ed; they could not envision Ed Murrow
singing for a soft-drink company. But I
assured them that it was all right, that
it was all part of the same thing—not
the selling of a cola but the selling of
Howard—and that he had kept, rather
than broken, this particular faith. By
then, 1 secretly longed for him to do

242 more, perhaps the ringaround-the-collar

commercial, one of my favorites, or—did
I dare even hope for it?—the Roto-
Rooter one. I wanted Howard to sing
the Roto-Rooter song.

.

What did Howard in, what exposed
him, finally, was baseball. It is a delicate
sport; it cannot be hurried, and often
the sweetest sound in a baseball game is
the sound of silence. The rhythms of
baseball are the rhythms of a quieter,
less frenetic America, and my colleague
Russell Baker believes that one reason
baseball has survived so well in a televi-
sion era is that its norms and rhythms
cannot be changed, that it is essentially
so resistant to television. Howard’s weak-
nesses had never been so noticeable in
football. The game's fundamental vio-
lence had at least partially obscured his
own violence, and its speedy action (in
addition to good support in the broad-
cast booth and excellent use of replays)
had obscured some of his ignorance.
g openly mocked baseball when
ABC did not have a slice of it, a lesser
man than Howard might have turned
down the chance to work in the broad-
cast booth. Instead, baseball was sudden-
ly relegitimized. Howard turned out to
be a fan after all. We were treated to lov-
ions of Howard's days at the
vA in days gone past. АП it
took to make baseball a modern sport
was the right man in the broadcast
booth. So broadcast it he did, and he
was terrible, at once ignorant and over-
bearing (overbearing, one suspects, in
direct proportion to his lack of knowl-
edge). It was like watching the best of
the 19th Century being assaulted by the
worst of the 20th Century.

The baseball season builds slowly; no
single game until the pennant races at
summers end is crucial and [or most
fans, the game's small skills and delicate
graces are reward enough. Enter How-
ard, who did not know what most fans
know—that by the end of the season
the action will find itself, that it cannot
be hurried. Howard violated baseball as
no announcer had ever violated a major
sport. He went at it as if it were an
adrenaline sport, like football. He told
us during world-series games that certain
teams did not look up for the game. If
a poor, unfortunate infielder made an
error in the first inning, Howard ham-
mered away at us: “Was this the turning
point?” he shouted. Never, a high ABC
official confided to a friend of mine, had
the switchboard at the network so lit up
with angry calls as when Howard did
his first world series. And what was

worse, the ABC official admitted, these
were not your ordinary crank calls from
fans boozy with frustration and resent-
ment; they were the calls of articulate,
informed, desperate people. They knew
something that Arledge apparently did
not know: that Monday Night Football
was an invented, gimmicky event,
and if he wanted to put Howard on to
hype the action, that was his business
and the fault of any dissident for not
turning off his set. But the world series
was theirs; it was public property, it had
existed before Roone, Howard and ABC
were around and it was not to be tam-
pered with. Worse, allowing Howard to
broadcast it showed something all too
basic to television: a lack of respect for
both the intelligence of the audience
and the institution being covered.
.

About two years ago, I went to а party
filled with top-level media figures, and
there, of all people, was Arledge, the
very man who had given us Howard. He
seemed pleasant, almost pixyish, and
we talked amiably for a time. Then, giv-
en this rare opportunity that millions of
other fans lusted after but could never
achieve, I made the most of my chance.
Was there any way, I asked, that he
could lower the volume on Howard,
temper him in some way, so that listen-
ers would not feel so assaulted? Could
Howard be made less jarring? Roone
was very gracious as I made my request,
and I had a feeling that he had heard
variations on it over many years.

“Well,” he answered, "it ought to be
easy to do, but its not. Howard does
not take suggestions very well, and you
know how he is—he's got that huge ego
and he's very insecure, so it's hard to
deal with him. Most of our problems
come from his insecurity."

Roone must have passed along my
suggestion in some form or another. be-
cause a few months later, Howard saw
Gay Talese at a bar in Los Angeles, and
Howard began to shout across the vi
ous tables, "Your friend Halberstam
tried to get my job. Well, let me tell
you, and you can tell him, that I am
ungettable. Ungeitable!

So much for telling it like it is.

But then, I should. never forget what
Jimmy Cannon, one of the best sports-
writers of a generation, said about How-
ard: "Can a man who wears a hairpiece
and changes name be trusted to tell
it like it i?" What Jimmy didn't know
and what I found out was that Howard
also lied about his age. For a long time,
he told people that he was born in
Winston-Salem in 1920. Then someone
Jooked it up. It turns out that he was
born in 1918. Sorry, Howard.

There is another story that is told
about Howard and Jimmy, about the
time they were flying back from the
West Coast a few years ago. Howard was
upset over what some print people had

Merit
Surge
Continues.

MERIT gains momentum as millions
endorse the Enriched Flavor cigarette.

Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health.
© Philip Morris Inc. 1982

Kings: 7 mg “tar,” 0.5 mg nicotine—100"s Reg: 10 mg “таг, 0.7 mg nicotine— а
10075 Men: 9 mg “1а,” 0.7 mg nicotine av. per cigarette, ЕТС Report Dec:81 Kings & 1008 243

PLAYBOY

written about him, and he had filibus-
tered Jimmy on the subject for much
of the flight. As the plane neared New
York, Howard realized he had gone too
far, and he tried to make amends.

“But we shouldn't be fighting, Jim
my. After all, there's only a small hand-
ful of us that really care about the
important things in sports—isn't that
right, justa handful of us?"

That's right, Howard," Jimmy said,
"except that there's one fewer than you
think.

I have thought about Howard a lot
lately, and Y have decided that he is
important. Perhaps not in the way he
thinks (“a legend in his own mind," to
use Johnny Carson's phrase about him)
but in what he reveals about the cul-
ture. For Howard has become, for better
or worse, a man Íor this season. We have
not just Howard but all his lineal de-
scendants, the young hype artists o
television sports and news. They are not
so much journalists ав provocateurs.
They do not so much report and ana-
lyze and explain as provoke and make
things happen. Some of them square
their shoulders, lean into the camera
and tell it straight. They are, make no
mistake about it, two-fisted. Some, by
contrast, are cute: They giggle; they sin-
gle out the most bizarre moments on
the video tape, which underscore not
the action of the game but their chance
to be funny; and, above all, they flirt
with the resident anchor woman. They
become personalities, more important
than events and people they cover.

Howard is the father of them all, and
his success is singular. He has that
mournful face іп a profession that loves
pretty faces; he has a tired toupee in a
profession much given to blowdried
hair; and he is a terrible athlete in a
profession more and more given over to
ex-jocks. He made it, in truth, by creat-
ing a persona; if he could not be lov-
able, then he would be, above all else,
unlovable. Everything was done to call
attention to himself: The wrong syllable
was accented; huge, cumbersome words
were summoned; the cadence was made
overstylized. He became the issue:
What would Howard do? Whom would
he assault? Would һе self-destruct?
Would someone finally turn on him? He
became in the process what television
wants more than anything else, an event.
If he was provocative, then someone in
the print media would write about him
and there would be controversy, and
where there was controversy there was
even more оГ an event. That is what
happened; and in an odd way, he was
like Nixon in that his psychic needs de-
manded that he be more public, go
further and further out on the wire,
even further than his psychic strengths
could really withstand. His emotional
needs and the necds of his medium coin-

244 cided in some terrible way. A healthier

man could never have done it.

The second part of Howard's success
comes from the fact that he is a brilliant
talent scout. Television is about show
business and show business is about
stars, and Howard has always under-
stood star quality—understood what a
big property is, to use his phrase. It is
the one thread that runs through his
career—a brilliant instinct for picking
up on those who are not just superb
athletes but who are, in the larger sense,
stars. These athletes must be not only
consummately skilled at their profession
but, in addition, equally good at the
theater of sports. Howard is the pro-
moter of athletes who have the looks and
personalities to be television celebrities.

If there is an example of the jour-
nalistic imbalance that Howard's theat-
ics can cause, it is his and his network's
bias toward Muhammad A id how
that bias tended to obscure the great-
ness of Joe Frazier. Some of that was
inevitable, because Ali was such remark
able theater that any good journalist
was bound to cover him more than Fra-
zier. But the degrec to which Howard
and ABC tilted in that case was dis-
graceful; it not only eclipsed Frazier's
greatness for a very long time but, oddly
enough, because of the emphasis on the
capricious side of Ali, it also trivial-
ized him. It took Frazier, on his own, in
the ring, to do two things that Howard
and his network were never able to do:
first, to show how great a fighter he was;
and, second, to show (almost involuntar-
ily) how great a fighter Ali was as well.
The danger with most media flashes is
that their theatrics outweigh their sub-
stance; when they are gone, the image dis-
appears. In this case, because of Frazier
and almost in spite of the Howard-Ali
hoopla, we are left with genuine memory.

Not surprisingly, many of the athletes
Howard gave us—Ali, O. J. Joe Wil
Sugar Ray; the Great Ones, to coin a
phrase—have dabbled in movies and
commercials when their playing days
were over. It was a connection that
worked well for both sides. Howard of-
fered them national access and they, in
turn, offered him the reflected glory of
their careers and their star quality. As
he was identified with them, they were
bigger and he was bigger. If ABC were
ever to cover professional basketball,
there is no doubt who Howard's athlete
would be. Larry Bird would be too shy
and suspicious, Julius Erving too careful
and restrained and too far along in his
own career. (Howard likes to come in on
his athletes very early, so there will be a
sense that he helped chart their success.
“I have predicted greatness for this
young man since I first saw him as a
sophomore . . . one can almost hear
him say) Howard's basketball player
would be Magic Johnson. Howard likes
anyone who is a man-child, because the
man-child is particularly good оп TV—

at once shrewd and knowing, vulnerable
and innocent. As Reggie has shown us
and shown us, that makes for good tele-
vision, if not for complete humanity.

.

So that leaves us with only one ques-
tion: Who is Howard and why is he
doing this to us? I think I found the an-
swer recently in the pages of The New
York Times. Not the sports pages, oddly
enough, but the science pages. The an-
swer was in an article by a writer
named Maya Pines, and I doubt that
she had ever met Howard. She had writ-
ten an unusually illuminating piece
about the inroads psychoanalysts are
making with narcissists, or, to use her
words, “the joyless men and women who
cannot love anyone but spend their lives
desperately seeking admiration to coun-
teract their feelings of inner emptiness.

It was an article that was studied
carefully in my house, because it was
more than a little applicable to the
writer of this piece and to many of his
friends who are also in the media—in
particular, to some who work in televi-
sion. Then, when I started writing about
Howard, I went back and reread the ar-
ticle and was stunned. The Times listed
a number of signs of narcissistic disor-
der: a grandiose sense of self-importance
or uniqueness; recurrent fantasies of
unlimited success, power,
beauty or ideal love; a craving for con-
stant attention and admiration; oscilla-
tion between extreme overidealization
and devaluation of others; lack of em-
pathy—the inability to recognize how
others feel; feelings of rage, humilia-
tion, inferiority, shame, emptiness or an
indifference to criticism or defeat.

Well, I think we have our man, and I
think we have, as well, part of the se
cret of his success, which is his need,
his passion, to be important. Thus,
Howard is a man of the most singular
purpose; what he does is not so much a
job as it is something far more pro-
found—a state of mind, his essential
health. It makes clear the role that the
rest of us have played and must play in
the future. We are, all of us—30,000,000
or 40,000,000 on occasion—members of
his encounter group. Although techni-
cally we are not paid for our participa-
tion, although we give more than we
receive, there are other rewards—spirit-
ual ones. We make the lives of our fel-
low citizens a little easier: We take the
heat off the stewardess who is slow to
serve him a drink or the pres box at-
tendant who does not pay him quite
enough homage or the lowly ABC crew
member who makes a mistake with th
sound equipment. We do our part. He is
working things out with us, and with
any luck, he will come out of it a better
man and we will come out of it a better
audience. Exactly.

My sock runneth over.

SONY CAPTURES MORE
MUSIC ON THIS MUCH
TAPETHAN MOST
RECORDERS DO ONAN
ENTIRE.CASSET TE.

As incredibleas this statement might
sound. it's absolutely credible.

Most cassette recordings just ar
faithful to the way the music was orig-
inally intended. Simply because they're
made on two-head machines. And two-
head machines compromise both the dy:
namic range and frequency response
of the music. So you can listen to an en-
lire cassette and never hear the mo:
brilliant highs of a flute. Or the deep, rich

nant lows of a bass.

The new Sony TC-K555 is without
compromise.

Because there are three separate
heads—one to erase, one to record and

N ch is optimized for
its own specific function. So you hear the
highest highs and the lowest lows. Or, to

FEATURES AND SPECIFICATIONS: Linear Counter of actual elapsed time. 16-segmei

level indication. Optional RM-SO remote control, RM-80 wireles
Wow & flutter 0.049: (WRMS). Frequency response 25Hz— IBkHz =
y Corp. of America, Sony Drive, Park Ridge, NJO76

remote, RM-65 synchronizer S/N ratio 6108 (type ШІ.

2

put it another way—you hear more music.

Now, others offer three-head deck:
but only Sony offers a unique, Indepen:
dent Suspension system.This remarkable

ystem allows for incredible precision

and consistency in head alignment and
prevents the significant high-frequency
loss caused by the alignment errors so
prevalent in other systems

And the K 555 also includes closed-
loop dual capstan drive for superior tape
tension and reduced modulation noi
This results in not only crisper, cleaner,
more precise sound, but exposes more
tape to the heads. And the more tape ex-
posed to the heads, the more music
exposed to your cars.

The head design is equally unique
It's a combination of Sendust and Ferrite

Program Meters with maximum record
tape. Dolby of).

34B (metal tape) Dolby Is a registered trademark of Dolby Labora
Sony Corp. of America, Sonyis a registered

park ofthe Suny Corp.

for maximum performance no matter
what tape type.

And of course, three heads also give
you the added benefit of instantaneous
off-the-tape monitoring. It’s one more
assurance that the quality of the recorded
music will be faithful to the quality of
the original

Other outstanding features: every
thing from Dolby newest, most advanced
noise reduction system, Dolby C? toa
state-of-the-art linear time counter which
mcasurcs clapsed tape time in minutes
and seconds, instead of inchi

So if sound is as important to you as
it is to Sony, insist on the ette deck
that captures more music on an inch of
tape than most decks can on a mile—the
K 555 from Sony

5 ON Y. The one and only

PLAYBOY

BASKETBALL PREVIEW

(continued from page 182)

“The Hoosiers will be back in the thick of the fight for
the national championship—everyone returns.”

Connecticut's Earl Kelley to make a lot
of headlines in his first year).

West Virginia, with four returning
starters, will be the class of the new
Atlantic Ten. If the Mountaineers fal
ter—lack of depth at center could knock
them off the mountain—either Rutgers
or Penn State should take the title.
Transfer Sam Randolph should make a
big splash at Rutgers.

I cannot tell a lie: Prime freshmen

Troy and Darryl Webster (unrelated ex-
cept in skills) will make George Wash-
ington one of the most improved teams
in the East.
k Jones, a genuine All-America
candidate, will again be the central fix-
ture at St. Bonaventure. Teammate
Eric Stover has enormous but as yet un-
tapped potential.

The Ivy League race should be a dead
heat between Pennsylvania and Colum-
bia, with Princeton not far behind. Tal
ented freshmen could help Cornell post
its first winning record in 15 years.

Look for tiny Iona College to h.
one of the surprise teams in the country.

The Gaels won two dozen games last
year with a starting line-up of freshmen
and sophs, and they'll benefit greatly
from experience. Talented transfer
Arnie Russell could steal a starting role.

Canisius will be banking on seven
foot center Mike Smrek to cure last
year's glaring rebounding weakness, and
he may be enough to bring his team
bounding back into contention.

Four returning starters, including
last winter's freshman. sensation K
Cieplicki, are the cause of much wis
and merriment at William & Mary. Lack
of height will still be a shortcoming,
however. Manhattan College ought to
be stronger, because a group of quality
newcomers should energize last year's
lumbering style.

The talent at Fordham is less impres-
sive this year, but the Rams can hope to
avoid a repeat of the rash of injuries
that scratched them last season.

Both Army and Navy have improved
The Cadets, who managed only five wins
last campaign, are especially optimistic
about new coach Les Wothke and his

small battalion of raw but promising re-
cruits. But they'll still have a hard time
gunning down the d the Middies
enjoyed a bonanza recruiting season.

THE MIDWEST
Indiana and Evansville Make for
а Hot Year in Hoosierland

It was an off year in Bloomington
last season (Indiana won "just" 19
games), but the Hoosiers will be back in
the thick of the fight for the national
championship this time, because every
one returns from a talented but very
raw squad, and a year's added maturity
should make a big difference. Ав always,
Indiana will boast one of the nation's
best defenses. The only discernible
weakness is a lack of quickness—incon-
gruous for the usually hurryin' Hoosiers.

Шіпоів will be the most improved
team in the Big Ten. Coach Lou Hen-
son has recruited one of the finest classes
in the country. Derek Harper could be
the best guard at any point by season's
end. Rookies Efrem Winters and Bruce
Douglas arc certain to win starting roles.

The Iowa Hawkeyes will be stronger,
but their nonconference schedule is
more challenging, so it will be hard for
the Hawks to fly higher than last season.
Freshmen Andre Banks and Brad Lo-
haus (a seven-footer) will help.

Purdue's fortunes this season will de-
pend largely on the state of repair of

KING OF BEERS® ANHEUSER-BUSCH. INC ST LOUIS

#

— A >.

For а 17^ x 40” full-color poster without advertising, send $3.00 check

center Russell Cross injured knee.
Newcomers Craig Perry and Steve Reid
will see a lot of work for the Boilers.

Minnesota's graduation losses were
devastating. The Gophers must rebuild
around center Randy Breuer. who
should again be the dominant big man
in the league. Much depends on how
quickly transfer Roland Brooks can put
points up, but the outlook’s not golden.

Clark Kellogg, toughest of the Ohio
State Buckeyes last season, has departed
for the pros, and the leftover talent is
less than spectacular. The principal
hope for the future lies in the return
cligibility of Joe Concheck

Both Michigan State and Northwest-
ern will have much better teams, but
neither will be a serious Big Ten con-
tender. The Spartans will have intimi-
dating height, and newcomer Patrick
Ford wil make a big contribution.
Northwestern was snake-bitten last time
around. After they lost some squ
the Wildcats morale plummeted. ?
everyone returns, and the squad should
be much better—not to mention more
confident.

Michigan and Wisconsin will be so
young that their quintets will look like
quintuplets. The Wolverines will count
on impressive stature, and the Badgers
will benefit from the firepower of phe-
nomenal freshman guard Ricky Olson.

Bowling Green has the inside track
in the Mid-American Conference race,
thanks to the return from injury of
Colin Irish. The Falcons will be chal
lenged by a Toledo team that returns
intact and will again be quick and à
Ball State, with incredible shooter Ray

the Midwestern City Conference. The
Aces are га- and by season's end could
be awesome enough to crack the top
ten.

Evansville’s challenges will come from
Oral Roberts and Oklahoma City. Both
teams have reaped bumper crops of

THE MIDWEST

BIG TEN

6. Ohio State

7. Michigan State
8. Northwestern
3. Michigan

10. Wisconsin

1. Indiana
2. Illinois
3. lowa

. Purdue

. Minnesota

MID-AMERICAN CONFERENCE.
. Bowling Green

5. Northern Ilinois

6. Ohio University

7. Miami
University

Toledo
. Bell State
. Eastern Michigan

8. Central
Michigan
9. Kent State

MIDWESTERN CITY CONFERENCE

1. Evansville 5. Xavier
2. Oral Roberts 6. Butler
3. Oklahoma City T. Detroit.
4. Loyola of Chicago 8. St. Louis

OTHERS

3. Notre Dame
4. Dayton

10. Western
Michigan

1. Marquette
2. DePaul

NID-STATES GREATS: Kitchel, Thomas, Blab (Indiana); Harper, Winters (Illinois); Payne (lowa); Cross
(Purdue); Breuer (Minnesota); Campbell (Dhio State); Vincent (Michigan State); Stack (Northwestern);
Turner (Michigan); Sellers (Wisconsin); Jenkins (Bowling Green); Adamek (Toledo); McCallum (Ball
State); McClain (Eastern Michigan); Dillon (Northern Illinois); Devereaux (Ohio University); Tubbs (Miami
University); McLaughlin (Central Michigan); Zeigler (Kent State); Elliott (Western Michigan); Howard,
Johnson (Evansville); М. Acres (Oral Roberts); Campbell (Oklahoma City); Hughes (Loyola); Hicks (Xavier);
Mitchem (Butler); Blakey (Detroit); Johnson (St. Louis); Rivers, D. Johnson (Marquette); Patterson,
Randolph (DePaul); Paxson (Notre Dame); Chapman (Dayton).

McCallum, will be a conference dark
horse to watch out for.

Junior college transfer Harold How-
ard (remember that name!) heads a con-
tingent of six top-quality recruits who
will again make Evansville the class of

recruits.

Loyola lost two of last season’s top
scorers, and the schedule, once again, is
brutal. Good thing the fans are loyal
Neither Xavier nor Butler has suffered
significant graduation losses, so both

or money order payable to Anheuser-Busch, Inc. Dept. CX, One Busch Place,

ш
AMEN ү

t. Louis, MO 63118. Offer expires October 31, 1983. (Void where prohibited )

PLAYBOY

250

squads will be better in 1982-1983.

Playboy All-America guard Glenn
Rivers holds the key to Marquette’s suc-
cess. He will be aided by Lloyd Moore
and Kerry Trotter. The schedule, as al-
ways, is tough, but the Warriors should
pick up their 17th consecutive post-sea-
son tournament bid.

The DePaul Blue Demons will be
loaded with talent, as usual, but the
team is very young. Three freshmen—
Tony Jackson, Kevin Holmes and Marty
Embry—will have won starting jobs by
midwinter.

Notre Dame will gain from last year's
creep slow experience, but the Irish will
still depend heavily on the performance
of veteran guard John Paxson. The
freshman class, fortunately, is among
the nation's best. and the schedule is
much easier. Rookies Joe Buchanan and
Tim Kempton are expected to make
vital contributi. Dayton will get a
lot of help from incoming prep star Ed
Young. And Kevin Conrad be one
of the nation's best point guards, but
that may not be enough.

THE SOUTH
Tar Heels or Cavaliers?

Two or three years ago. the Atlantic
Coast Conference took over the mantle
of the dominant league in the country
from the Бір Ten. This ycars cham-
pionship looks like a foot race between
incumbent th Carolina and a seren-
dipitous Virginia team led by Playboy
All-America center Ralph Sampson. Тһе
Cavaliers are missing only one signifi-
cant player from the squad that won 30
games last winter, and transfer guard
Rick Carlisle should more than make up
for the loss.

The dramatic revival of Virginia bas-
ketball is widely credited to the play of
Sampson. But the astute coaching and
the magnetic leadership of Terry Hol-
land are even bigger factors. During his
eight seasons in Charlottesville, Holland
has turned Virginia into a national bas-
ketball power in a classic ragsto-riches
scenario. Before his arrival Virginia
teams had enjoyed only three winning
seasons іп 20 years. А civilized, affable,
obviously intelligent man with a per-
sonal warmth that inspires adulation in
his players, Holland is the perfect ath-
Jetic mentor for an academically pres-
tigious university. For those reasons,
we have selected Holland as Playboy's
Coach of the Year.

North Carolina, with a talentladen
tandem of Playboy All-Americas, Sam
Perkins and Michael Jordan, is ап
equally good bet for both A.C.C. and
N.C.A.A. laurels. As usual, coach Dean
Smith has brought in a powerful corps
of recruits. At least one newcomer, cen-
ter Brad Daugherty, could step in and
start. The Tar Heels’ major strength may
be their immense reservoir of bench
talent, a crucial factor in an era of in-

creasingly frequent injuries.
North Carolina State will feature a
new up-tempo style built around forward

THE SOUTH

ATLANTIC COAST CONFERENCE
. Virginia
. North Carolina
. North Carolina
State.
. Wake Forest

SOUTHEASTERN CONFERENCE

. Kentucky 6. Louisiana State
Tennessee 7. Mississippi
. Alabama 8. Georgia
. Auburn 9. Florida
. Vanderbilt 10. Mississippi
State

METRO CONFERENCE

„ Memphis State 4. Cincinnati
. Louisville 5. Florida State
. Tulane 6. Virginia Tech

SUN BELT CONFERENCE

‚ Old Dominion

. Alabama-
Birmingham

. UNC Charlotte

. Virginia
Commonwealth

OHIO VALLEY CONFERENCE

Murray State 4. Eastern
. Middle Tennessee Kentucky
. Morehead State 5. Austin Peay
6. Tennessee Tech

SOUTHERN CONFERENCE

|. Chattanooga 6. Appalachian

. Western Carolina State

. Marshall 7. Furman

. Davidson 8. East Tennessee

. The Citadel State
9. Virginia Military

OTHERS.

. South Carolina 3.
. East Carolina

ERS: Sampson, Wilson, Robinson
Perkins, Jordan, Doherty (North
ley, пакет ort Caro-
lina State); Young, Rogers (Wake Forest);
Branch, Bias (Maryland); Engelland, Dawkins
(Duke); Hamilton (Clemson); Joseph (Georgia
Tech); Bowie, Hord, Minniefield (Kentucky);
Ellis (Tennessee); Whatley, Hurt (Alabama);
Barkley, Mosteller (Auburn); Cox (Vander-
bilt); Carter (Louisiana State); Clark (Missis-
sinpi); Hartry (Georgia); Williams (Florida);
Malone (Mississippi State); Lee, Parks (Mem-
his State); McCray,
pson, Williams (Tulane); Jones (Cincin-
ti); Wiggins (Florida St Curry (Virginia
Те est (Old Dominion); Pruitt (Ala-
bama-Birmingham); Atkinson (UNC Char-
lotte); Corker (Virginia Commonwealth);
Grandholm (South Florida); Roulhac (Jackson-
ville); Jones (Western Kentucky); Scott
(South Alabama); Green (Murray State);
Perry (Middle Tennessee); Minnifield (More-
head State); Chambers (Eastern Kentucky);
кн Peay); Taylor (Tennessee
Tech); White (Chattanooga); Carr (Western
Carolina); Wade (Marshall); Tribus (David-
son); Toney (The Citadel); McMillian (Ap-
palachian State); Singleton (Furman); Motley
(East Tennessee State); Wins (Virginia Mili-
tary); Foster (South Carolina); Green (East
Carolina); Brown (Georgia State).

5. South Florida
6. Jacksonville
7. Western

Kentucky
8. South Alabama

Georgia State

Tompson (Loui

‘Thurl Bailey and point guard Sidney
Lowe. Junior college transfer Alvin

Battle is the aggressive rebounder the
Wolfpack needs.

Three of last winter's Wake Forest
starters have departed, зо coach Carl
Tacy will restructure his squad to take
advantage of the new experimental
game rules. If you can’t outmuscle ‘em,
outfox em.

Maryland will benefit from a deeper
(and much needed) pool of talent. New-
comers Ben Coleman, Len Bias and Jeff
Baxter are all good enough to become
starters by early 1983.

Duke, after four substandard recruit-
ing years, got a bonanza this time. As
many as four freshmen could work their
way into the starting line-up by late
winter; so if they don’t win, maybe they
can start a singing group. Best of the
new studs is Johnny Dawkins, who
could be All-Solar System by the time
he graduates.

The Kentucky Wildcats could wind
up as national champions or as a big
bust, depending on whether or not Sam
Bowie's fractured fibula is completely
healed. Even without the big man,
though, the Wildcats’ depth is impres-
sive. Freshman Kenny Walker is one of
this year's finest recruits, so a total wash-
out is unlikely. But Bowie's the only
one who can take Kentucky to the top
of the S. E. C

Tennessce will again be mostly а one-
man team (Playboy All-America forward
Dale Ellis), but a veteran supporting
cast ought to give Ellis more help than
he had last year.

Alabama regularly recruits the best
basketball players that football coach
Bear Bryant's personal prestige can
attract. This season's hottest shot is Al-
fonso Johnson. Along with Playboy All-
America Ennis Whatley and soph Bobby
Lee Hurt, Johnson will make the Tide
a serious threat to roll to the S.E.C.
championship.

Auburn will be the most improved
team in the conference, but the War
Eagles’ schedule looks to be a tough bat-
tle. A healthy Earl Hayes will be a big
help, and center Charles Barkley is а
future All-America.

There will be a dearth of depth at
Vanderbilt unless immediate help comes
from at least two of four outstanding
freshmen. Bobby Westbrooks is the
rookie most likely to succeed.

All the top players return from ап
LSU squad that suffered from inexperi-
ence and lack of size in the front line
last winter. A year's maturity and the ad-
dition of rookie center Rich Stanfel
should make this a productive season
for these Bengals.

The loss of Dominique Wilkins could
make for some rainy nights іп Gcorgia.
New point guard Donald Hartry will be
a big plus, but a shortage of height will
again be a problem, unless 7'2” fresh-
man Troy Hitchcock matures quickly.

In recent years, it's been а sacrilege

The Van Heusen Company. E
A Division of Phillips Van Heusen Corp.

74

y

17

An American Tradition.
т
In Cotton Rich” Fabric.

PLAYBOY

to suggest that any team besides Louis-
ville could win the Metro Conference
championship. But this time, we think
Memphis State will take it all.

For starters, the Tigers have Playboy
All-America center Keith Lee, a mere
sophomore, who should become the na-
tion's best player by next усаг. He and
three other starters are joined by a prom-
ising group of recruits. Best of all is
frosh forward Baskerville Holmes, whose
parents must have been Conan Doyle's
fiercest fans.

Louisville will be as strong as last
season, when it was one of the top four
seeds in the N.C.A.A. playoffs, but
unfortunately for the Cardinals, the
opposition will be much stronger this
time around. Forward Rodney McCray
will again be the main man. The Cards
still have an explosive fast break and a
terrifying full-court press; rookie Billy
Thompson is a future All-America.

Tulane returns eight of the top ten
players from a team that won 19 games
last year, so the Greenies are likely to
have an up year in the Metro Confer-
ence race. The Cincinnati five was dom-
inated by freshmen last winter and will
profit greatly from that playing time.

Mitchell Wiggins, the finest basket-
ball player ever to wear a Florida State
uniform, leads a team that may grow
into the best in the school's history.
Don't say you haven't been warned when
you see some in Tallahassee.

Old Dominion, led by premiere
center Mark West, has the brightest
prospects in the Sun Belt Conference.
Alabama-Birmingham, with only one
returning starter, will go through an ear-
lyseason shakedown period but should
De as strong as usual by March. Forward
Cliff Pruitt will make a big splash in
his opening season.

Murray State has been reinforced by
the return from injury of Lamont Sleets
and the arrival of transfer Craig Jones,
and it will again take the Ohio Valley
championship. Middle Tennessee and
Morehead State, decimated by gradua-
tion, will have a hard time keeping pace.

Chattanooga, with sharpshooter Willie
White, will be as strong as last year,
when the Moccasins choochooed to 27
wins, but it will be hard pressed by
Western Carolina, Marshall and Da-
vidson. Marshall forward David Wade is
probably the best player in the Southern
Conference.

Appalachian State will be the South-
ern Conference dark horse, due primarily
to the return from injury of superfor-
ward (and superperson) Wade Capehart.
South Carolina, with everyone coming
back, will pick up ground in the South.

THE NEAR WEST
Oklahoma—Where the Wins Come
Sweepin' Down the Plain... .

Sooner or later, it was bound to hap-

252 pen. With five starters returning and

the best freshman class in the school's
history, Oklahoma will be one of the
nation's most improved teams. New faces
Wayman Tisdale, Aaron Combs and
Jerome Johnson could all displace veter-
ans by season's end.

Missouri carned its best marks in his-
tory last year and should be just as strong
this season under the leadership of
Playboy All-America guard Jon Sund-
vold. Veteran center Steve Stipanovich
and freshman Lance Scott, a skyscraper,
will give the Tigers daunting altitude.

Kansas State has suffered from cata-
strophic зе is and must rebuild
around center Les Стан. A quality
bunch of youngsters led by forward Ty-
rone Jackson will log a lot of minutes
throughout the year.

THE NEAR WEST

BIG EIGHT

5. Oklahoma State
6. lowa State

. Oklahoma
. Missouri
. Kansas State 7. Kansas
. Nebraska 8. Colorado

‘SOUTHWEST CONFERENCE

. Houston 6. Texas

. Arkansas 7. Southern
. Texas Christian Methodist
|. Texas А & М 8. Baylor

. Texas Tech 9. Rice

MISSOURI VALLEY CONFERENCE

Illinois State 7. Creighton
Я Bey 8. Southern

. Illinois

. taht State 9. West Texas
. Drake

. New Mexico
State

BEST OF THE NEAR WEST: Barnett, Tisdale
(Oklahoma); Sundvold, Stipanavich (Mis-
souri); Craft (Kansas State); Smith (Nebras-
ka); Clark (Oklahoma State); Harris (lowa
State}; Henry (Kansas); Humphries (Colo-
rado), Drexler, Micheaux, Olajuwon (Hous-
ton); Walker (Arkansas); Arnold (Texas
Christian); Riley (Texas A & М); Jennings
(Texas Tech); Wacker (Texas); Davis, Addi-
son (Southern Methodist); Hall (Baylor),
Austin (Rice); Lamb (Illinois State); Scott
(Bradley); Vanley, Harris (Tulsa); Carr (Wich-
ita State); Dunson (Drake); Patterson (New
Mexico State); Benjamin (Creighton); Byrd
(Southern Minis); Steppes (West Teras
State); Smith (Indiana State)

State
10. Indiana State

Nebraska's crippling lack of size will
be healed by aptly named freshman
center Dave Hoppen. Ten returning
lettermen will give the Cornhuskers
their deepest line-up in several years.

Oklahoma State's hopes for a good
roundup depend on how much the Cow-
boys can improve their mediocre re-
bounding and free-throw shooting.

Iowa State will be a solid dark horse
in the Big Eight if 7/1” rookie center
Brad Dudek's leg heals in time for him
to gain some game experience. Coach
Johnny Orr is well along in building a
major basketball power in Ames.

The Kansas Jayhawks bench, a splin-
tering liability last seasor, will be shored

up by a superb group of rookies. Best
of the new names is guard Carl Henry.

Colorado is regrouping after ап ava-
lanche of losses last year (а familiar
scene in Boulder), but respectability
is still several years away. The univer-
administration, not the flaky alum-
ni, should be running the athletic
program.

Houston finished last season as one
of the nation’s four N.C.A.A. finalists
and, with a little luck, could take home
the national championship this time.
The Cougar bench will be great: There
are three seven-footers on the roster,
and only one (Akcem Olajuwon) will be
a starter. Clyde Drexler could soon be
the best forward in the country.

Arkansas has only one returning
starter but will benefit from the school's
strongest recruiting class ever. Robert
Brannon and Keenan Debose are the
best of the new kids. The Hogs may be
raw during the early season but will
be lean and mean by the end of the line.

Seven of Texas Christian's top eight
men return. Newcomer Tom Tebbs will
provide steady play at point guard,
the Frogs only noticeable hole last
season. Soon they may be handsome
princes.

Two big recruits, Roger Bock and
Jimmie Gilberts, will fill the bill in the
front court for Texas А & M. Coach
Shelby Metcalf will become the win-
ningest coach in conference history when
the Aggies post their first league victory.

"Texas Tech coach Gerald Myers has
cured last year's rebounding woes by
recruiting the biggest players Tech has
ever seen. The new frontline players—
all stories tall—will be Bob Evans, Ken
Wojciechoski and Ray Irvin.

This will be a rebuilding season at
Texas—there’s a new coach (Bob Welt-
lich), a mostly new lineup and a new
system. Everything seems to hinge on
Mike Wacker's knee.

SMU, the league's youngest team last
year, has grown up a lot, but there's
a long way to go. Baylor suffered са-
lamitous graduation losses and will count
heavily on junior college transfers.

Last year's top three Missouri Valley
clubs (Bradley, Tulsa and Wichita State)
also lost out to commencement. Which
leaves Hlinois State, with nearly every-
one back from a squad that won 17
games, as the pre-season pick.

Creighton, with ballyhooed freshman
center Benoit Benjamin, could be the
league's surprise team but will finish no
higher than second.

THE FAR WEST
Bruins Roar; Dons Depart

UCLA, once again, is flush with the
ingredients that have characterized its
spectacularly successful teams in the
past: experience, talent and depth. The
Bruins will have one of the best inside
games in the nation, and guard Rod

Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health.

KING: 17 mg. "tar", 12 mg. nicotine, 194 18 mg. “tar",1.3 mg.
nicotine, ау, per cigarette by ЕТС metho

PLAYBOY

254

"Rocket" Foster, when he's ignited, can
be devastating from the corners. Best of
all, the Bruins are now off probation,
and both team and campus morale will
be much improved.

Oregon State was the Cinderella team
of the Western Scaboard last year and
could be again this time—except that
the Beavers won't be able to bushwhack
unsuspecting opponents. The front line
has been beefed up with two super re-
cruits, Steve Woodside and Tyrone M.
ler. Another rookie, Darryl Flowers, will
be OSU's new floor general.

Washington State, with one of the
nation's best flocks of freshmen, will
make the greatest strides in the Рас-10.
Two of the newcomers, Keith Morrison
and Don Rubin, will rotate at point
guard.

Graduation claimed Southern Califor-
nia's top two scorers, but, fortunately
for the south-L.A, beach set, the Tro-
jans have a strong group of sophomores
with experience that belies their youth.
Another big asset will be the return 10
action of redshirted Ron Holmes, who
could be the surprise of the league.

New Arizona State coach Bob Wein-
hauer inherits a team that profits more
from savvy dian from size. The return
of high-scoring Byron Scott after a year's
absence will help. The pivot position
will again be the Sun Devils’ Achilles’
heel.

With only two returning starters,
this will be a year of reconstruction
for Washington. Freshman guard Ernest
Lee vill be an important addition.

Ben Lind: Arizona's new coach, will
count hea' оп a better-than-expected
group of recruits (Lindsey was hired
only two weeks before national letter-of-
intent day). Best of the catch are Pun-
tus Wilson (who sounds like a football
player) and Morgan Taylor.

Last winter, California posted what
seemed to be its first winning record
since redwoods started growing. But the
graduation of center Mark McNamara
will be tough to overcome. Any improve-
ment this year will be the result of better
depth and quickness.

Stanford was plagued by a woeful lack
of speed last season, but new coach Tom
Davis has corralled a couple of race-
horse rookies, Ricky Lewis and Keith
Ramee, who should speed the Cardi-
nals along the way.

Oregon is still rebuilding; not much
progress can be expected this year. The
Ducks will be productive on offense but
inept when the other team has the ball.

Four of last year's San Diego State
starters return and are bolstered by a
promising crop of fresh faces. Most of
the new blood is in the backcourt, where
freshman guard Anthony Watson will see
a lot of action.

The addition of seven-foot transfer
center Rick Tunstall will, believe it or
not, make Hawaii a contender for the

Western Athletic Conference champion-
ship. If top-quality guard Tony Webster
has completely recovered from back sur-
gery, everybody else will be following
the Rainbows.

Wyoming had the most conference
wins in the history of the league last
season, but graduation broke up that

THE FAR WEST

PACIFIC TEN

6. Washington
7. Arizona

8. California
9. Stanford
10. Oregon

1. UCLA
2. Oregon State
3. Washington State
Southern
California
. Arizona State

WESTERN ATHLETIC CONFERENCE

San Diego State 6. Brigham Young
. Hawaii . Utal
. Texas-El Paso 8. Colorado State
„ Wyoming 9. Air Force
. New Mexico

PACIFIC COAST ASSOCIATION

|. Nevada-Las 6. Long Beach
Vegas State

. Fresno State 7. Pacific

. Fullerton State 8. Santa Barbara

. San Jose State 9. Utah State

. Irvine

WEST COAST CONFERENCE

. Pepperdine
. Portland
.. Santa Clara

4. St. Mary's

5. Gonzaga

6. Loyola
Marymount

BIG SKY CONFERENCE

5. Boise State

. Idaho 6. Montana State
. Weber State 7. Idaho State

. Nevada-Reno 8. Northern
Arizona

WESTERN HEROES: Foster, Fields (UCLA);
Sitton, Evans (Oregon State); Harriel, Wil-
liams (Washington State); Holmes (Southern
California); Williams (Arizona State); Watson
(Washington); Smith (Arizona); Hays (Cali-
fornia); Revelli (Stanford); Cofield (Oregor);
Cage (San Diego State); Webster (Hawaii);
Reynolds (Texas-El Paso); Jackson (Wyo-
ming); Smith (New Mexico); Durrant (Brig-
ham Young); Mannion (Utah); Steele
(Colorado State); Simmons (Аг Force);
Green, Anderson (Nevada-Las Vegas);
Thompson (Fresno State); Wood, Neal (Ful-
lerton State); McNealy (San Jose State);
McDonald (Irvine); Hodges (Long Beach
State); Howard (ресто); Gross (Santa
Barbara); Grant (Utah State); Phillips (Pep-
erdine); Flint (Portland); Norman (Santa
; Thibeaux (St. Mary's); Stockton
(Gonzaga); McKenzie (Loyola Marymount);
Pope (Montana); Kellerman, Hopson (Idaho);
Edwards (Weber State); Allen (Nevada-
Reno); Hinchen, Lee (Boise State); Brazier
(Montana State); Fleury (Idaho State); Plotts
(Northern Arizona).

. Montana

gang of gunners. The recruiting effort,
fortunately, was quite productive. The
most prized freshman in camp is front-
court player Mark Getty.

New Mexico will be much bigger and
more mature this winter and may be the
come-from-behind team in the confer-
епсе race.

Brigham Young has a whole new look
is season. The Cougars are pinning

most of their hopes on freshmen in the
backcourt. Junior forward Devin Dur-
rant, returning from a church mission
іп Spain, will convert a lot of doubters.

Added rebounding power (in the p
son of seven-foot transfer center David
Cecil) will make Utah a much improved
team but still a second-division one.

Nevada-Las Vegas joins the Pacific
Coast Association, and the Runnin’ Reb-
els should sprint straight to the league
championship in their first season. Three
returning starters will be reinforced
by a superstud freshman named El-
dridge Hudson.

Fresno State will be more talented
but less experienced than the Bulldog
squad that took the championship last
ter. Look for significant. second-half

improvement
Fullerton State, with multiskilled
point guard Leon Wood, be much

tougher than last year's edition. It has
a good chance to make the N. C. A A.
tourney.

lrvine's loses to graduation were
too great to overcome in only one sea-
son. Pacific, on the other hand, should
be a vastly improved outfit, because
first-year coach Tom O'Neill has worked
on his charges discipline with some
forceful off-season ass kicking.

San Francisco suddenly and unex-
pectedly dropped its intercollegiate bas-
ketball program last summer, stunning
its followers and eliciting the admiration
of sports fans who want to see a return
to sanity in college athletics. The sud-
den and sad demise of the Dons leaves
Pepperdine an odds-on favorite to win
the West Coast Conference champion-
ship. Its entertaining offensive fireworks
will be a big attraction in Malibu.

If Pepperdine falters, Portland may

into the breach. Three returning
s will bring along much-needed
manpower.

With no graduation losses and the
arrival of redshirt Bruce Burns and
freshman Larry Kryskowiak, Montana's
the team to beat in the Big Sky Con-
ference. Idaho's chances for recapturing
the league championship rest оп the
shoulders of transfer guards 5 Arnold
and Joe Sweeney, who should take over
starting jobs in a hurry.

With four returning starters and the
addition of praiseworthy point guard
John Price, Weber State will be the
spoiler in the conference race.

Boise State and Montana State have
jackpot rookie crops. So, also, does North-
ern Arizona, a team that features Doug
and Dan Busch— who, at 6'11”, are listed
in the Guinness Book of World Records
as the world’s tallest identical twins.
It is rumored that coach Gene Visscher
is recruiting a pair of identical-twin
point guards named Anheuser and a
couple of forwards named Budweiser.

2 БООР > McAfee
— For a free Soloflex® brochure call 1-800-453-9000
toll-free, 24 hours or write Soloflex, Hillsboro, Oregon 97123

Weightlifting, pure & simple — 24 traditional barbell, pulldown, & freebody stations. $495.00 255

PLAYBOY

BODY WARMERS
different. Elizabethans drank to ward off
winter chills and discomforting drafts,
or so they alleged. Contemporary bib-
bers need no justification but a sensuous
pleasure and the humanizing after-
effect—known as aglow—these potions
impart. Nowhere is the sizzling dram
more relished than at bustling ski ге-
sorts. Whiffs of cinnamon, apple juice
and rum perfume the frosty air, and
steaming mugs аге as prevalent as ski
mittens and tasseled wool hats. Indeed,
hot shots are so popular with skiers that

(continued from page 131)

the California Brandy Advisory Board
sponsored a contest for resort barmen at
Harrah's Hotel / Casino at Lake Tahoe,
in the High Sierra ski area. Two of the
winning drinks are included here.

A taste for hot drinks is certainly
not restricted to the ski crowd. Hot
drinks are enjoyed by sedentary types
who wouldn't know a sitzmark from a
G string, at football games, winter out-
ings and cozy city pads—yours or hers.
Its as easy to prepare hot drinks as
standard cocktails once you have a bead

Because only Kahlua tastes like Kahlua, what it does to coffee is positively

oooh-nique. Just: splash an ounce of Kahlüa іп your favorite coffee (decaffeinateds

fine too). And do send for our free recipe book. It's brimming with delicious
ideas. Kahlua, Dept. C, P.O. Box 8925, Universal City, CA 91608.

©1982. Maidstone Wine & Spirits Inc., Universal City, CA.

on the subject. Work out of the kitchen,
where things are handy; it's a lot sim.
pler than trying to dazzle the troops with
your chafingdish artistry. Don't let the
liquor boil or the alcohol will evapo-
rate. An asbestos pad, a flame tamer or a
double boiler will help control the heat.
You need pottery cups or mugs with
handles, and they should be prewarmed
before receiving the hot mixture. In a
pinch, coffee cups will do.

А common error, even among pros, is
the use of stale or faded spices. Any-
thing remaining from last winter should
be replaced, and not necessarily with the
familiar trinity—cinnamon, nutmeg and
cloves. Allspice berries make a nice
change, as do mace and ginger, while
cardamom complements any coffee drink.
Chances are you've a few body-warming
ideas of your own. Better get them in
gear, baby; it's cold outside.

A most popular drink at Heavenly
Valley, California, and other Western
ski centers; usually made from a dry mix

HOT APPLE PIE

4 oss. unfiltered apple juice

3 allspice berries

l-in. cinnamon stick

11 ozs. Tuaca

Whipped cream (optional)

Simmer apple juice and spices for
about 5 minutes, Pour liqueur into pre
warmed cup or mug; strain apple-juice
mixture over. Top with whipped cream
and long stick of cinnamon, if desired.

Nole: Can also be made with vodka or
rum, in which case you may want to add
a touch of sugar or a tot more juice.

А family recipe of the Steffensens of
Bing k Grøndahl Copenhagen porcelain.

COPENHAGEN GLOGG
(16-18 servings)

2 bottles (% liter) dry red wine

2 tablespoons finely grated orange rind

1 cup sugar

10 cardamom pods, split and crushed

10 cloves

4 sticks cinnamon

1 pint aquavit

1 cup seedless raisins

% cup sliced almonds

Heat wine, orange rind, sugar and
spices in large ketile until sugar is com
pletely dissolved and mixture is hot. Do
not let it boil! Remove from heat; float
on aquavit. Ignite and let liquor bum
down. Strain into 3-quart porcelain
bowl. Add raisins; stir. Serve in рге-
heated punch cups or mugs; dip some
raisins into cach serving. Top with
almonds.

‘The following is a finalist in the Califor-
nia Brandy Advisory Board's hot-drinks
derby, from Harrah's at Lake Tahoe:

—————— — — —
| O
es с ER ы > ò 0 8
FF Bv ШЖ.
О -.. 0
гос Ма оо o 9
4; 9 90 о 9 2 о 99 |
Q OTS he tel” o| бой
О о оо о * ж
o [emus © Q OR
[o 5 9
е) ге) N S ce s G EO О ©
О о 58 Ў; olo 0
"00/09 ce о
қ f — SR уу: N
N 3 AWA VS NS
g À x
l IS а чү, 3
NE : :
II

“But I can't arrest him, lady—not on Christmas Eve!”

257

PLAYBOY

258

HOT TUB

1% oz. white créme de menthe

1 oz. California brandy

4 oss. hot water, or to taste

34 oz. Irish cream liqueur

Whipped cream

Pour crème de menthe and brandy
into preheated cup or fizz glass. Add hot
water; stir. Stir in liqueur. Тор with
drift of whipped cream.

Note: Peppermint schnapps may be
used instead of créme de menthe.

SICILIAN KISS

34 oz. Marsala wine

3 oz. kirsch

1% oz. triple sec

1% oz. lemon juice

у teaspoon sugar

2 ozs. boiling water, or to taste

Mandarin-orange segment (optional)

Combine wine, spirits, lemon juice
and sugar in preheated heavy stemmed
glass. Pour in boiling water; stir. Spear
orange segment with pick and pop into
glass.

Note: You may substitute vodka or
gin for kirsch.

NORMAN км!
(four servings)

г

1 сап (101% ozs.) condensed onion soup

1 cup water

2 drops Worcestershire sauce (optional)

5 ozs. calvados

4 lemon slices

Combine onion soup, water and
Worcestershire sauce in saucepan. Heat
until almost boiling; remove from heat.
Add calvados and stir. Divide among 4
preheated mugs or two-handled cups.

Note: The onion bits in the soup are
pleasant; no need to strain them out.

From the After-Glo Pub in Steamboat
Springs, Colorado, another finalist.

VAGABOND

1 oz. (1 envelope) instant hot-choco-
late mix

6 ozs. boiling water

Ys oz. coffee or chocolate liqueur

“His last words were, ‘My American Express card;

I don't want to leave without it.

114 ozs. California brandy

Whipped cream

Place hot chocolate mix іп warmed
8-07. mug. Add some of the boiling
water; stir to dissolve. Add liqueur and
brandy. Pour in boiling water, to taste.
"Top generously with whipped cream.

Carlos Murphy's Irish-Mexican Cafe
bills itself as multinational. The Carlos
Bomber, a house specialty, is neither
Irish nor Mexican, but it’s a winner.

CARLOS BOMBER

1% 02. bourbon or other whiskey

1% oz. coffee liqueur

14 oz. Amaretto

Hot coffee

Sugar, to taste

Whipping cream

"Тһе drink is served in a tall glass
mug with a handle, but any preheated
cup or mug will do. Add whiskey to
preheated mug. Pour in liqueurs and
coffee. Add sugar, if desired, Top with
lightly beaten whipping cream.

Note: A nip of vanilla extract does
nice things for this drink.

MAPLE-LEAF GROG

114 025. Canadian whisky

4 ozs. hot tea

Maple syrup or honey, to taste

"Thin slice fresh ginger (optional)

Slim wedge unpeeled apple

Pour whisky into prewarmed mug.
Add tea and sweetening. Stir and taste;
you may want more syrup or honey or a
squirt of lemon juice if the drink is too
sweet. Drop in ginger; garnish mug
with apple wedge.

HOT PINK LEMONADE

5 ozs. prepared lemonade

13% ozs. whiskey or rum

2 dashes Angostura bitters, or to taste

1 teaspoon grenadine (optional)

Thick slice lemon

Bring lemonade to boil. Add whiskey,
bitters and grenadine to prewarmed 8-
oz. mug or cup. Pour in hot lemonade.
Drop in lemon slice; stir once.

PET ROCK

5 ors. apple cider

1% teaspoon powdered ginger (optional)

Bay leaf

2 ors. rock and rye liqueur

Heat cider and seasonings at a simmer
for several minutes. Pour rock and rye
liqueur into 807. mug with handle. Add
hot cider mixture, unstrained; bay leaf
serves as garnish.

Since body warmers are the theme of
this article, select the bodies with ex-
treme care. Only prime specimens will
do; once those things start overhcating,
anything can happen.

No conventional turntable
delivers the accuracy and control of this one:
Technics SL-6 Programmable Linear Tracking Turntable.

The problem with a conventional turntable tonearm is
that it arcs across the record surface. So it is capable of
true accuracy at only two points in its arc. Where the
stylus is precisely aligned with the record groove.

The Technics SL-6 Linear Tracking Turntable goes
beyond that. It actually duplicates the straight-line
motion of the cutting arm that originally mastered the
tecord. This enables the Technics SL-6 to deliver true
accuracy at every point on the record. First note to last.
There is none of the tracking error, skating force error
or distortion that accompanies a traditional tonearm.

And the SL-6 ensures this accuracy with some
outstanding technological advances. Including a
microcomputer-controlled system that constantly
monitors the stylus-to-groove angle and automatically
makes corrections.

But linear tracking is just the beginning. Тһеге5 the

precise control you get with the Technics random access
programmable microcomputer. At the touch of a button,
you can set the SL-6 to play any selections you want, in
any order. You can even repeat or skip selections.

nere are still more features that help the Technics
SL-6 perform so impeccably. A precision direct-drive
motor. Sensors that automatically select the correct
playing speed.

Our patented P-Mount plug-in cartridge system
delivers optimum tonearm/cartridge compatibility along
with simplified cartridge installation.

And all of this technology has been neatly placed in
a turntable about the size of a record jacket.

Accuracy, control and musical pleasure beyond the
conventional. The Technics SL-6 Programmable Linear
Tracking Turntable. Just one of the sophisticated and
“intelligent” turntables from Technics.

Technics

The science of sound

PLAYBOY

260

ME AND MY SHADOW (continued рот page 201)

“A Rolls-Royce belongs in a museum, not on the
world’s roads. It’s a monument to past greatness.”

come to after spending more in three
years on repairs and upkeep than it cost
me to buy the car?

And if the Rolls goes, the ad guy
who wrote “At 50 miles an hour, the
loudest noise in a Rolls-Royce is the
ticking of the clock” should be indicted
as a coconspirator. That kind of propa-
ganda is one of the reasons people
are so impressed by the car, so taken
by the snobbery of the Rolls-Royce
name. A па of mine swears that he
once saw an ad guarantceing free on-
thespot service if your Rolls broke
down in the Sahara desert. When I
first contemplated buying a Rolls-Royce
of my own, I was able to rationalize
paying the fantastic price by reading
the reassuring advertisement that stated,
here is no guarantee that the Rolls-
Royce you buy today will be serving
you in the year 2025. However, the
chances are very good, indeed.” Who
minded spending ten times the cost of
a normal automobile on a vehicle that
would last half a century? The car is
undoubtedly a beautiful piece of art,
and if I had used it as a table ornament

or a planter, it might have been excel-
lent. But it belongs in a muscum, not
on the world's roads. It is simply a monu-
ment to past automotive greatness and
the glories of the once-proud British
Empire.

But, of course, I didn't know that
at the beginning. It was 1973 when, in
the first flush of success, I moved one
block away from a Rolls-Royce dealer.
Although I was finally able to afford
my dream car, it took two years of star-
ing in the window, nose pressed to the
glas, before I got up the courage to
enter this inner sanctum of four-wheeled
royalty. I was 38 years old, had just
bought out my partner to become the
sole owner of Screw and, for the first
time in my life, felt I deserved a Rolls-
Royce.

My grand entrance to the showroom
n't exactly grected by a flourish of
trumpets; in fact, I was ignored for 25
minutes. (I realize I didn't fit the image
of a Rolls-Royce owner: I weighed 270
pounds and, with my scraggly beard,
resembled a hippie Orson Welles, minus
his dignity.) Finally, after regarding me

“Маат, I just bring the toys. I don't necessarily
want to play with them."

the way an exterminator views a crawl-
ing cockroach, an impeccably dressed
salesman responded to my beckoning
and allowed himself to answer my ques-
ions. The car I had my eye on was a
beautiful blue longwheelbase Silver
Shadow priced at $11,958. As I had done
with every car 1 had previously pur-
chased, I asked the salesman if any ex-
tras were available.

"Sir," he intoned, "a Rolls-Royce in-
cludes everything that you would need."

I wanted to apologize for my exist-
ence; but as he turned on his heel to
escape my sleazy presence, I firmly an-
nounced that I would take it. That's
when I discovered that a Rolls-Royce
dealer is as paranoid as any neighbor-
hood shopkecper: He told me that the
only acceptable form of payment was a
certified check for the total price of the
car, and in the ten days before the deal-
er received the check, no one at the
agency really believed I would buy the
Silver Shadow. But by the time I took
delivery, I was beyond caring whether or
not they took me seriously—the Rolls-
Royce was mine!

Like a kid crowing about his first sex-
ual conquest, I wanted to drive the
Rolls past the houses of my two ex-
wives, a high school teacher who had
said I wouldn't amount to much and a
boss who'd fired me a year before 1
started Screw for asking for a $15 raisc.
Instead, I settled for going to the homes
of about 50 friends and exhausting my-
self in a frenzy of waving and horn
honking. A Rolls-Royce is truly the ulti-
mate show-off car, and as I drove from
house to house, I felt like a virtuoso
playing a superb musical instrument.
The сагъ extraordinary wood paneling,
leather upholstery and carpeting gave
off vibrations of perfection that flooded
my entire body with what I can de-
scribe only as postejaculatory throbbing.
Naturally, 1 hoped that in addition to
impressing everyone, the car would en-
able me to meet scads of beautiful
women. I imagined myself getting laid
on the splendid back seat while my
chauffeur (which I did not have) piloted
the Rolls through envious traffic.

My bliss lasted three days. Оп our
first real trip in the Rolls, ту wife,
Gena, and I were going to dinner оп
Saturday night at my accountant's house
іп New Jersey, а journey of about 20
miles As we approached the George
Washington Bridge, the car made a
strange, prolonged groaning noise and
stopped dead with 18 miles on the
speedometer. I was stunned. What had
happened to my beautiful car, the em-
bodiment of my succes? I began to
notice that people in the cars roaring
past were giving me the finger. A strand-
cd Rolls-Royce is not exactly an object

SMOKERS

U.S.GOV'T LATEST
REPORT:

King, Menthol or Box 10075:

. KINGS

v NICOTINE

e ma са mg cs
Kent 12 10 Kent 1005

Winston Lights _ 1709 Winston Lights 100 s

Marlboro 16 10 Benson & Hedges 100 's
Saem | 1 Parliament Lights 100.8
Kool Mids 1 09 Salem 1005

Newport 16 12 Marlboro 100 s

TAR & NICOTINE NUMBERS AS REPORTED IN LATEST FTC REPORT

Carlton Kings (ess men 0.5 Ол
Carlton Menthol Lessihan O5 0.1 Carlton Вох1005 Less than 0.5 01

Box—lowest of all brands—less than 0.01 mg. tar, 0.002 mg. nicotine.

US. Government laboratory tests confirm no cigarette lower in tar than Carlton.

Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined

That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health.

Box: Less than 0.5 mg. "tar", 0.05 mg. nicotine; Soft Pack, Menthol and 10075 Box.
Less than 0.5 mg. "tar", 0.1 mg. nicotine av. per cigarette, FIC Report Dec. "81. 261

PLAYBOY

262

of universal pity, and although some of
the passing throng were riding іп hope-
lessly decrepit wrecks—complete with
rhinestone crucifixes and toy dogs with
nodding heads—they were suddenly su-
perior because they were moving. Per

haps I was hallucinating, but my
tormentors all seemed to be driving
Plymouths, my father's favorite car,

whose pedestrian dullness had been the
object of my adolescent scorn and whose
practical charms had eluded me till now.

I discovered that the situation was
al than I had thought. Three
tow companies refused to risk the liabil-
ity of even touching so expensive a ca
Meanwhile, Gena and 1, dressed to the
teeth, sat by the side of the road like two
tes from Bloomingdale's. Once,
while trudging to a phone booth to call
for help, 1 thought of Rolls-Royce engi-
neers liying to Africa to repair their cars
for free, and I was somewhat comforted
by the knowledge that a Rolls gets impec
cable service for life. I dialed the dealer
«| got an answering machine; they
were closed for Ac that
point. to dim.

the weekend.
пу love for the c;
event
up

bega
ally flat-bedded—t
nd lifted onto a truck-

the street outside the d.
arca until the start of bu

ice
Monday. Panicked by visions of my pr

ess on

dious jewels being stripped bare by
scavengers, 1 spent Saturday and Sunday
nights in the Rolls, on guard against any
depredation.

When the mechanics examined the
car Monday morning, they told me 1
must have “done something wrong” to
cause it to break down. That was the
vod news. The bad news was that the

Li

|

ing charge. even though the Rolls was
on warranty. I numbly asked how the
transmission in а $42,000 car could go
bad ij one week and Ie,
that "something must have happened"
while I was driving. They also told me
that a Rolls-Royce was "not at its best" on
the streets of New York City—but they
were unable to tell me where it was
its best. That kind of accusatory attitude
characterized all my dealings with the
Rolls agency. Whenever I phoned them
to report a malfunction, they responded
to my tale of woe with a curt “That is
most unfortunate; did you follow the
proper procedure?" И I Шеп bemoaned
my bad luck with the car, I would те
ceive а reprimand: “This is a very
al automobile requiring very special

I once commented on the fre-
quency of scratches and scrapes on the
s body and was told in an angry
tone that
Rolls-Royce that spec
problem with the

less thai ned

nt is very soft: it gives

finish."
r was inva
used by some mistake оГ mine.

The cost of the new transmission was
covered by Rolls-Royce, but 1 had to
sue them in s ims court. to recov-
er th My disillusion-
ment worsened when I learned, much
later, that the Rolls transmission is by
In addition. the tape
player is ese, the radio is German
id the air conditioning system is partly
American made. Underneath its beauti-
y. the Rolls was almost identical
to the heaps driven by
ass bozos | was struggling 10 rise
above! I started to think of the car as a
beautiful woman I had worshiped from

Any
iably

са

haul

1 the middle-

г

Є

N

ON Е]

=F

"I'm really i

3!

с

nto oral sex!

afar for ycar
and savoring he

ter finally winning her

charms for the first
time, I hear her whisper in my car, “I've
been a hooker for six years in Bombay

"The new transmission solved. nothing.
The Rolls mechanical
problems and I became afraid to use it.
Convinced that the car could never
leave New York City, 1 drove it an aver-
age of ten blocks at a time. The win
dows stuck and cost about 51000 to keep
working in the th I owned the
car. The air conditioner froze, cost 5750
and never worked
blowing out s
dle of summer. The car ov
51900 and the radiator hose broke at a
cost of 5981. At 1000 miles. the speed-
ometer stopped working, cost 5500 to
fix and never again gave an exact speed
indication, causing me to earn several
citations. The catalytic converter mal-
functioned at 3000 miles and burned
the rugs and the leather driver's scat so
badly that even though the s
recovered, the car smelled like ат
smokehouse for months; that fiasco cost
51000. When
roof. the agency w:

had constant

1 decided to install a sun
һам: One bought
a Rolls-Royce hardtop or a convertible
nd did not create strange hybrid body
styles. They punished me by taking
weeks to complete the work. The sun
roof cost $2300 and always leaked.

Add to all that the anni insur
premium of 38000 and the seven
to the gallon the Rolls got in the city,
nd the total equaled heartache and
event bankruptcy. The ideal Rolls-
Royce owner needs the patience of Job
and th al income of King Т
unfortunately, I had neither. 1 assem
bled a huge collection of spare parts in
the trunk for minor repairs, but what 1
ly needed was a whole fleet of r
pair trucks to follow the car wherever
it went.

The next calamity occurred when 1
drove the Rolls uptown to East 86th
orge on hot dogs. Two
ankfu stands were engaged
uch publicized price war, and lor
week only, you could get iwo lor
price of one, quantity unlimited. Be
a penny-pinching Brooklyn boy at
art. I was unable 10 the coi
ation of saving ng my
venous appetite and g people
t the same time. Driving up to а hot
dog stand in a Rolls-Royce was my
idea of real cla 1, besides, it was.
а great way to meet girls.

Around 80th Street, a red light €
the dashboard went on. but I paid no at
tention and continued without inci
dei To tell the truth, the
manual, bound like some collector's edi
tion, was so intimidating that I never
read the thing all the way through: con
sequently, I had no idea what the red

ann

ney, satisf

ow

rs

Even the person who has everything
occasionally runs out.

“The Best In The Houses

To send “The Best In The House” to their house, simply call 800-528-6148.
6 Years Old. Imported in Bottle from Canada by Hiram Walker Importers Inc., Detroit, Mich. 86.8 Proof. Blended Canadian Whisky. ©1942

PLAYBOY

264

light meant. Alter my dejeuner of eight
franks, I squeezed behind the wheel
and found that the c
the Rolls dealership was
was Tuesday. and alter ex
ining the c hey blithely informed
that. with little more than 3500
les on it, the car needed а new en-
ле. The cost would be 511,500. The
pebble

wouldn't. start.

nd caused irreparable harm. In
у case, the blame was squarely on my
shoulders; I should have immediately
stopped Ше car when the red light ap-
peared. The engine was not covered by
miy amd the dealer had no pity
г ше whatsoever. The streets of New
k had struck again.

It took fou
the work to by
absence w
since 1
though I persiste
bought myself a j
for daily transportation and used the
Rolls for only t ast special
bolic occasions, such as going 10 the
theater or visiting my wile’s relatives.
But by then I let a chauffeur drive it,
be strain had be.
come too gi the. Rolls
р шігей а driver,
they snidely suggested that 1 send him
to their spec for Rolls-Royce
or once, 1 те

Ye

ad a half months for
completed, but the car's
tually a relief lor me,

d sym-

the emotional

ause

gency

chaufleurs—in London

sisted the appeal to my sense of status:
I also figured that d need the
money for e repair work

About 300 les alter Ше engine re-
placement, the car developed leprosy:
On cach outing, some part would fall
oll. polluting the streets of New York
with the world’s most expensive litter.
I used the car only when 1 had plenty
of time to Kill. and I always figured in
about an hour to allow for any break
that might occur. I realized that
my love for my Rolls-Royce was slowly
turning 10 hatred. The car humiliated
me every time T used it, It had become
a mechanical albatross hanging Пот my
neck for the rest of the world to ridi
cule, and I wanted nothing more than
to put it to death in the middle of East
57th Street. in front of the Rolls Royce
dealer who had always considered
beyond contempt.

The final outrage
overheated on the м
airport one blazing July
was rushing to catch
fornia. I hadn't used it

1 wou

dow

ame when the car
to La Guardia
fce n as I
plane to Cali-
quite a whi
turally reluctant, but as I
sitting in the garage, I was
Seduced again by its shimmering beauty
d my desire to show off. About a
mile from the airport, the fan belt broke
and shot into the fire wall with
sounding thump, while the temperature
uges lit up like Times Square on New
Eve. A few minutes later. the

е

md was п
gared at

үс-

“Sorry about all these damn quarters, Miss Lavona, but
my wife thinks Гт out playing Pac-Man. .. .”

of inter
walked to
drenched

Rolls ground to a halt, victi
nal heat prostration. As I

1 of the

gly enough. getting ri

с у. 1 sold for fract of
its value (well worth it. since it brought
an end to all my aggravation) to m

who ow famous ko
she the Lower East Side
of N ke me. Stanley is a non
wean riche person who wants to imp
dle of price. and. despite
my repeated wa he wanted. the.
and felt th veal | n.
The reason | sold the Rolls to Stanley
was that he gua ed that I would al
w s establishment,
по matter Г headaches the
саг gave him. He keeps a fulltime me
chanic on duty to nurse the Rolls along,
ve me. the
Whenever I visit the restaurant
ag on the Rolls
n

friend Stanley.
майга ¢
ча

ess

people re

ways busy
nd sce

1 get

the bums u

if the Rolls wa

portati am aphrodisiac it was even
worse. Naturally, beautiful w h-
cred around the car like moths: but al-

most invariably. the beauty of my choice
turned out to e some mental a
cial aberration that made sexual conquest
mpossible. I never seemed to drive more
than two or three blocks before I had to
mumble some excuse and let the girl ош

met someone who wasn't deranged or
too dull to chew gum and fake orgasm
at the nervous about
the car I couldn't concent:
the fine points ol seduction. For
oney the Rolls cost, I got laid
my jeep.

And speak
the three years Г owned the Rolls, i
me 547.787 almost $6000 more than the
original price of the с 1 still have
my jeep and my Ii
hicles

oney. im

cost

nd both ve

re much ею
ps of the New
City streets than was the ethereal Rolls-
Royce. The limo 1 leave in the capable
1 and I find that
L save my energy und А pressun

1 pr of the
that today I am a lot thinner—a svelte
165 pounds—and much less greedy for
the empty symbols of status than I used
10 be. T think y Rolls about
uch think of Richard
which is to say, as little a

pebbles and bu

e

nds of my chautle

bout n

s 1 Nixon,

possible. But
Mer а poli
tician of doubtful integrity, ine first
question I always ask түзей is. “Would
you buy a Rolls-Royce from this man?

these days, whenever I enc

То each his own.

Finding the Sony Walkman® that's right for you
is as simple as ABC.

A. Our most affordable model (WM-4). Great
for someone just learning to Walkman.

B. The WM-RZ has built-in stereo micro-
phones. Even your dictation will sound better.

С. Our new cassette player (WM-F2) with
built-in FM tuner lets you record all your favorite
programs.

D. Sony introduces the WM-7 with Auto-

you don't have toflip the cassette.

E. The new У/М-5 with metal case. It looks as
good as it sounds.
© 1982 Sony Corp. ot ıy and Walkman ан еа uademark

F Our incredibly small microcassette player
(M-80) with FM tuner pack.

С. AM/FM Walkman (SRF-70W) lets you tune
into everything from baseball to Bach.

Н The SRF-30W is perfect, if you love FM and
like to travel extremely light.

I. With quartz-locked speed control and
Dolby* noise reduction, the WM-D6 has better
specs thana lot of home decks.

The One and Only Walkman. For the one and

only you.
utor em

isa registered trademark c

@ Haron

The best the world has to offer
Сорап Rafumes Ine.

EX AND SUBSTITUTES

(continued from page 178)

“I liked her company. . . . But how could I know any-
thing about her heart until I discovered her body?”

eight years old, and he's got а body
guard who just stands there carning
twenty grand а year while Horton

Junior plays Space Invadi those
clip joints in Leicester Square-
“I's an antikidnap measure,” Calvin

Jeeps said. “Id be easy as shit for some
ciackhead in the IRA to turn Horton
Junior into h. :

Vnd then the ıwo Sangers smiled. at
ach other. and while Margaret. con-
tinued talking. AL Sanger siid, "Were
pretty fond of Brucie. We've had him
since Сат

There were, generally speaking. two
categories of bore at the embassy dinner
parties: people with children and people
with animals. Life in London was 100
hectic and expensive for people to have
both children and animals. When they
did. the children were teenagers and the
animals disposable—hamsters or turtles.
One group had school stories and thc
other had quarantine stories, and they
were much the same: Both involved
time. money. patience and self-sacrifice.

"You certainly put up with a lot of
inconvenience n
with a long story.
If that’s wha
pletely

cas.

I said to om

won

you think, you com-
sed my point.” she said.
She was proud of her child—or per-
haps it was a puppy
et Duboys was still .
Are we discussing brats or
өр

ankle bit

“Irs still Brucie,”
GC

a Sanger said.
ve me cats any day." T said. sip-
my gin and tying t0 keep a
face. “They're cle they're
nt
this tail wagging: g ses-
sions in the pa " Dogs
resent strangers. they get jealous, they
get bored—they stink, they stumble,
they drool. Sometimes dogs turn on you
for no rcason. They revert! They maul
people, they cat children. But cats onl
scratch you by accident or if you're

nd they're selfish. None of

o carly

being a pest. Dogs want 1o be loved, but
cats don't give a d.
th

n. They look after
selves, and they're twice as pretty.
“What about kids?” A1 Sanger said.
“They're in between,” 1 said.
Calvin said, "In between what
“Dogs and cats."

ret Duboys howled suddenly. А
ght out of
of terror
before E realized that she was just laugh-
ing very hard.

L had been silly, I thought. in talking
bout cats that way, but it produced an

amazing effect. After dinner. Miss Du-
boys came up to me and said in а purr
of urgency, "Could you give me a lift
home? My car's being fixed

She had never accepted
me before.

ride from
d this was the first time she

had ever asked for onc. 1 found that
very surprising. but I had a further sur
prise. When we arrived at her front

door. she said, "Would you like to come
in for a minute?
Т was—if the

embassy rumors were
с
such an invitation from her. I found it
hard to appear calm. I had never cared
much about the embassy talk or Miss
Duboys supposed secrets: but. almost
from the beginning. I had been int
ested in ollering her a passionate fr
ship. I liked her company and her
conv ion. But how could | know
anything about her heart until I dis
covered her body? 1 felt for her. as I had
felt for all the wo: І nted to know
better. a mixture of caution and desire
and nervous panic. A lover's emotions
are the same as a firebug’s.

There was a sound bel

correct—the first human being to re

1 the door
d, like tiny
hands and

It was both motion and sou
children
knees,

hurr their

"t be shocked." Miss Duboys said.
i she looked perfectly
light. her eyes were not

green but gray.
Then she opened the door
Cats, cats, cats, cats, cats, cats.
She was stooping to сш
then. nost as an afterthought, she said.
“Come in. but be careful where you
step.”

.

There were six of them, and they were
large. I knew at once that they resented
my being there. They crept away from
me sideways, sceming to walk on tiptoc
in that fastidious and insolent way that
cats have. Their bellies were too big and
detracted (тој their handsomeness.
Why hadn't she told anyone about her
cats? It was the simplest possible answer
to all the embassy gossip and spec
tion. And no one had a clue. People
still believed she had a friend. a lover,
someone with a huge appetite, who
sometimes beat her up. But it was
That was why she had not left Bri
for the duration of nearly
Because of the quarantine regula
she could not take her cats; and if s
could not tavel with them, she would
not travel at all.

But sh 1 not told anyone. I was

two tours:
ns,

reminded then that she had never been
very friendly with anyone at the em
bassy—how could she have been. if no
one knew this simple fact about her that
ined every quirk of her behavior?
4 always been remote and respect

That first night. No one
LOWS about your с

“Why should they?"

"They might be interested," I said.

and I thought: Don't vou want to keep
them from making wild speculations?
“Other people's pets are а bore," she
said. She seemed cross "And so are
other people's children. No one's really
interested. and I can't stand condescen
sion. People with children think they
superior or else pity vou. and people
with cats think you're a fool, because
th © so much better behaved
You have to live your own life—thank

(5

e

beasts

It was quite an outburst, considering
that all we were talking about cats
But she was defensive, as И she knew
about her mysterious reputation and
"Miss Duboys has a f 1 all those
Corse rumors.

She said, "What 1 do in mv
home, in my own time. is my business. I
usually put in a ten-hour da
bassy. I think Em entitled to
privacy. I'm not hurting anyone, am 12

I said, "No. of course not"—but it
struck me that her tone was exactly that
of a person defending a crank. religio
or an outof-theway sexual practice. She
had overreacted to my curiosity, as if she
expected to be persecuted for the heresy
of cat worship.

I said, "Why a
your little scc
I liked wl
about cats.”
m a secret believer іп са
"I like them.”
nd | like you.
bulgy orange cat
noises at ii
very fussy.

“Thanks,” I said.

“It’s time for

I looked up quickly with a hot face.
But she was talking to the cat and help
ing it into a basket.

We did nothing that night except
drink. It had got to the hour—about
Г past two—when going to bed with
her would have been a greater d

nd"

own

rc you letting me in on

Calvin's—

you said

look like gallantry
I said I had to go. tomorrow was a work-
: but I was doing us both a favor
nd inly sparing her my blind.
bumbling late-night performance. She
seemed 10 appreciate my tact, and she
let me know with her lips and a Шек of
her tongue and her little sigh of pleas-
ure that someday soon, when

it was

267

PLAYBOY

When asked to ісіп ап expedition
to Mt. Ararat in search of the
remains of Noah's Ark, reporter
Brick Rustin knew he must go.

When the dark and mysterious
woman he met there enfolded
him in her arms, he knew he
could never resist.

When his civilized adventure
became a fantastic web of
deception, he could never guess
where its deadly trail would lead.

ROBERT HOUSTON

AHON PAPERBACK $3.50

268 € 1982 Avon Books. The Hearst Corporaton.

convenient. I would be as welcome in her bed as any of her cats.

Cat worship was merel ndy label I had thought of to
explain her behavior. Within a few weeks, it seemed an
amazingly accurate description, and even such blunt clichés
as cat lover and cat freak seemed to me precise and perfectly
fair. Cats were not her hobby or her pastime but her passion.

I got to know her garden apartment. It was in Notting
Hill, off Kensington Park Road, in a white building that had
once been (I think she said) the residence of the Spanish
ambassador. Its ballroom had been subdivided into six small
apartments. But hers was on the floor below these, a ground
floor apartment opening onto a large communal park
Arundel Gardens. The gardens, like the apartment and most
of its furnishings, were for the cats. The rent was 51200
month—£600. It was too much, almost more than Miss
Duboys could allord, but the cats needed fresh air and grass
and flowers, and she needed the cats.

On her walls, there were cat calendars and cat photographs
and, in some rooms, cat wallpapeı repeated motif of
crouching cats. She |
books and wastebaskets and lamp shades with cats on them.
On a set of shelves there were small porcelain cats. There
were fat cats stenciled on her towels and kittens on her coflee
mugs. She had cats printed on her sheets and embroidered
on her dinner napkins. Cats are peculiarly expressionless
creatures, and the experience of so many images of them was
rather bewildering. The carpet in the hall was catshaped—a
sitting one in silhouette. She had cat notepaper, a stack of it
on her desk (two weeks later, I received an affectionate
message on it).

And she had real cats, six of them. Five were nervous and
malevolent, and the sixth was simpleminded—a neutered,
slightly undersized one that gaped at me with the same sleepy
vacuity as those on the wall and these on the coffee mugs.
The largest cat weighed 15 or 20 pounds: it was vast and
fat-bellied and evilspirited, and named Lester. It had а hiss
like a gas leak. Even Margaret was a bit fearful of this mon
ster, and she hinted to me that it had once killed another
cat. Thereafter, Lester seemed to me to have the stupid,

4 cat paperweights and cat picture

hungry—and cruel and comic—face of a cannibal.

There was nothing offensive in the air. none of that h.
suffocation that is usual in a catty houschold. The prevalent
smell was of food, the warm, buttery vapor of home cooking.
Margaret cooked all the time; her cats had wonderful
meals—hamburg in brown gravy, lightly poached fish, stews
that were never stretched with flour or potatoes. Lester liked
liver, McCool adored fish, Miss Growse never ate anything
but stews and the others—they all had human-sounding
names—had different preferences. They did not eat the same
thing. Sometimes they did not eat at all—did not even taste
the food but only glanced and sniffed at it steaming in

the dish and then walked away and yowled for something
else. It made me mad: I would have eaten some of that food!
The cats were spoiled and overweight and grouchy—"fat and
magnificent,” Margaret called them. Yes. yes; but their fussy
food habits kept her busy for most of the hours she was
home. Now I understood her huge shopping bills She was
patient with them—more patient than I had ever seen her
in the embassy. When the cats did not cat th
it into another dish and left it outside [c
London moggies and the Notting Hill tomeats that prowled
Arundel Gardens. Why the other dishes? “My cats are very
particular about who uses their personal dishes!”

I said, "Do you use the word personal with cats?

“I sure do!”

And one day, she said, "I never give them cans."

It was the sort of statement that caused me a moment of
unnecessary discomfort. 1 ate canned food all the time. What
was wrong with it? 1 wanted to tell Margaret that she was talk
Me

food, she put

the strays—the

ing nonsense: Good food, fresh air, no cans! nd my

ҚА

On the first Christmas, the Three Wise Men gave the Christ Child the
Carry on that glorious and cherished tradition by giving
the gift as precious as your love is to each other.

ultimate gift

East Coast
International Headquarters
Nat’: 1-800-327-: Em
FL: 1-800-452-2755

Midwest
International Headquarters
Nat I: 1-800-527-9006
ТХ: 1-800-442-7284

West Coast
International Headquarters
Магі: 1-800-421-0577
CA: 1-800-252-7707

PLAYBOY

270

по са

ats! No, absolutely пъ Ше cats
drew the Tine there—but they were not
particular about which chair leg they
scratched or where they puked or where
they left their matted hairs. They sharp-
ened their claws on the sofa and on the
best upholstered chairs, and went at the
wall | clawed it and left shredded,
scratched wallpaper, like heaps of grated
cheese, on the carpet. The cats were not
fierce except when they were protecting
their food or were faced with the Lond
strays, but they were very destructive—
de me angry to
think of Margarets paying so much
oney for rent and having to endure
the cats! vandalism. She did not mind.

Т only made the mistake of mention-

needlessly so—and it m

children?
it seemed that w
they were like children—then how did
it seem from the cats point of view? I
thought she was crazy, taking that line
(look at it from the cats
ew!), but she quoted Darw
Darwin had concluded that domes
ticated animals that had grown up
with people regarded human beings
members of their own species. It was in
The Voyage of the Beagle, in which
the sheep dogs treated sheep іп а
brotherly way in A this,
to see ats regarded

she said—that

t of

poi

said

it was easy

us as cats—of а rather
size, but cats all the same—tl
them and opened doors for them and

scratched them pl

atly behind their
s and gave them a lap to sit on and
pinched fleas from around their eyes and
nouths and wormed them.
"Darwin said that?
Tore or less.”

we're cats?"
Iking about dogs and sheep.
у said uncertainly. With
conviction, she added. “Anyw these.
cats think I'm one.”
“What about their
“Their instincts. tell
their sympathies and 1
ence tell tl
pathetic. Li
the

atural instincts?
them no, but
ning exper
These cats are sym-
k of

п yes.
ten, Г don't even t

at

“That's one мер furth
win,” I said.

By now, I knew a great deal about
Miss Duboys’ cats and quite a lot about
Miss Duboys. We had spent the past five
Sundays together. Neither of us had much
to do on the weekends. It had become
ave Su
ant and

ui

our routine to
1 n rest;

blistering

indaloo ситу, to to her apart
ment and spend the a pon in bed.
When we woke, damp and entangled,

from our sudden sleep—the little death
follows sex—we went to a movie,
usually a bad, undemanding one, at the
Gate Cinema. r the Notting Hill
tube station. Sunday was a long day

"Um afraid only the manger is available.
Some people are in there now, but PU be happy to
throw them out for you gentlemen.”

with several sleeps; the day had about
six parts and seemed, at times, like two
or three whole days—all the exert
| then the laziness and all the dy
ing and dreaming and waking,

London was a city that inspired me t

treasure private delights, Its weather
nd its rational, well-organized people
had made сну of splendid. inte

jors—everything that was pleasurable
ppened indoors. the contentment ol
К. Mar
s to t

one of

g music and
idded anima
list. When she woke blindly fro

those feverish Sunday sleeps, she bumped
n

with an elbow and said. “I'm
my cats."

She had no oth nds. Apart fro
me (but I occupied her only one day of
the week). her eats were the whole of
her society, and they satisfied her. It
seemed to me that she was slightly at
odds with me—slightly hewildered—be
ise Г offered her the one thing a cat
could not provide. The cats were a sub
stitute for everything else. Well, that
in enough! But it made me
Tor Margaret Duboys, 1
Me! It made life dilh
ase it was hard
in any ot

eglect

cult for us at
Tor her to sec

me

but it was worse
ne out well, no one measured
пу that she knew were hall
so worth while as any of her

“I make an exception in your case,”
ne. We were in bed at the

No one
up—no hur

she told
Thanks. Marge

mc.

She didn't laugh. She said. “Most men
are prigs.”
Did vou say prigs?

No, no"—but she dived bencath the
cavers

Usually, she was harder on herself
in on me. She seemed to despise that

part of herself that needed ту com
panionship. We saw each other at parties
just as often as before, because we con

cealed the fact that we had become
lovers. 1 was not naturally

of such things, but she made me secre:

tive, and I saw that this was a part of
all friendship—agreeing to be a litle
like the other person. Margaret thought,

perhaps rightly, that in an informal way.
the embassy would get curious about our
friendship and ask questions—certainly,
the boys on the third floor would keep
uy under observation. So we never used
the internal embassy phones for any
thing except the most bor ivialities.
There was plenty of time
es for us to make рі
following Sunday. People wi
ing to bring us together! When I
phone her. out of caution | used
public рох n my apartment,
Prince of Wales Drive. Those were
only times I used that phone box,
entering it was d

How much is that bottle in the window?
Dont ask. Its Christmas.

— Johnnie Walker
Black Label Scotch
We OLD
کی دد‎

12 YEAR OLO BLENDED SCOTCH WHISKY, 86.8 PROOF BOTTLED IN SCOTLAND. IMPORTED BY SOMERSET IMPORTERS, LTD., N.X. © 1982

PLAYBOY

le—I thought always of
her and always іп а tender way.

She was catlike in the panting, gasp-
ing way she made love, the way she
clawed my shoulders, the way she shook
and, most of all, in the way she slept
afterward: as though on a branch or an
outcrop of rock, her legs drawn up un-
der her and her arms wrapped around
her head and her nose down.

1 don't think of them as cats—a num-
ber of times, she repeated this observa-
tion to me. She did not theorize about
it, she didn't explain it. And yet it
seemed to me the perfect reply to Dar-
win's version of domestic animals’ think-
ing of us as animals. The person who
grew up with cats for company regarded
cats as people! Of course! Yet it seemed
to me that these cats were the last crea-
tures on earth to care whether or not
they resembled an overworked FSO-4 in
the trade section of the American em-
bassy. And if that was how she felt about
Cats, it made me wonder what she
thought about human beings.

We seldom talked about the other
people at work or about our work. We
seldom talked at all. When we met, it
was for one thing; and when it came 10
sex, she was single-minded. She used cats
to explain her theory of the orgasm:
"Step one, chase the cat up the tree.
Step two, let it worry for a while. Step
three, rescue the cat.” When she failed
to have an orgasm, she would whisper,
“The cat is still up the tree—get her
down.”

From what she told other people at
dinner parties and from embassy talk, I
gathered that her important work was
concerned with helping American com-
panies break into the British market. It
was highly abstract in the telling: She
provided information about industrial
software, did backup for seminars, or-
ganized a clearinghouse for legal and
commercial alternatives in company for-
mation and liaised with promotional
bodies.

1 hated talking to people about their
work. There was, first, this obscure and
silly language, and then, inevitably, they
asked about my work. I was always re-
minded, when I told them, of how grand
my job as political officer sounded and
how little I accomplished. ‘These days, I
lived from Sunday to Sunday, and sex
scemed to provide the only meaning to
life—what else on earth was so impor-
nt? There was nothing to compare
h two warm bodies in a bed: This
wealth, frecdom and happiness; it
the object of all human endeavor.
I was faling in love with Margaret
Duboys.

1 also feared losing her, and I hated
1 the other feelings caused by u
fear—jealousy, panic, greed. This w
love! It was a greater disruption in the
body than an illness, but although at

272 certain times I actually felt sick I want-

ed her so badly, at other times it seemed
to me—and I noted this with satisfac-
tion—as if 1 had displaced those god-
damned cats.

It was now December. The days were
short and clammy cold; they started
late and dark; they ended early in the
same darkness, which in London was
like faded ink. On one of these dark
afternoons, Calvin Jeeps came into my
office and asked if he could have a pri-
vate word with me.

"Owlie Cooper—remember him?"
met him at your house," I s
“That's the cat," Calvin said. "He's in
a bind. He's a jazzhead—plays trumpet
around town in clubs. Thing is, his
work permit hasn't been renewed."

"Union trouble:

"No, it's the Home Office, playing
tough. He thought it would just be
routine, but when he went to renew it,
they rcfuscd. Plus, they told him that he
had already overstayed his visit. So he's
here illegally.”

“What can I бо?”

"Give me a string to pull" Calvin
said.

“I wish I had one—he seemed a nice
guy.”

"He laughs a little too much, but he's
a great musician

My inspiration came that evening as
I walked across Chelsea Bridge to Over-
strand Mansions and my apartment. I
passed the public phone box on Prince
of Wales Drive and thought: Owlie
Cooper was a man with a skill to sell—
he made music, he was American, he was
here to do business. He had a product
and he was in demand, so why not treat
it as a trade matter, Margaret?

I saw her the next day and said,
“There's an American here who's trying
to do business with the Brits. He's got a
terrific product, but his visa's run out.
Do you think you can handle

"Businessman?" she said.
of businessman?"

“Music.”

“What kind?" she said. “Publishing,
record company or what?

"He makes musi I said. "Owlie
Cooper, the jazman we met at Jeeps's
house."

Margaret sighed and turned back to
face her desk. She spoke to her blotter.
"He can get his visa in the usual way."

“We could help him sell his product
here," I said.

"Product! He plays the trumpet, for
Pete's sake.”

“Margaret

What kind

I said, “this guy's іп

trouble. He can't get a job if he hasn't
got a work permit. Look, he's a good
advertisement for American export ini-
tiative.

call it cultural initiative. Get
He's the cultural-affairs officer.
his line." Then. in а persecuted
voice, she said. “Please, I'm busy."

“You could pull a string. Skidoo doesn't

have a string.

“This bastard Cooper.

"What do you mean, ‘bastard’? He's a
lost soul,” I said. Why should you be
constantly boosting multinational corpo-
rations while a solitary man.

1 remember him,” Margaret said. “He
hates cats.”

"No. it was dogs. And he doesn't hate
them. He was mocking Al Sanger's dog."

“1 distinctly remember," she said stiff-
ly. "It was cats."

There was a catlike hiss in her cross
voice as she said so.

She said, "People will say 1 don't want
to help him because he's black. Actually—
I mean, funnily enough—that's why I do
want to help him, because he's black and
probably grew up disadvantaged. But I
can't."
You cai

“It’s not my department."

I started to speak again, but again she
hisscd at me. It was not part of a word
but a whole warning sound—an undiffer-
entiated hiss of fury and rebuke, as if I
were a hulking, brutish stranger. It em-
barrassed me to think that her secretary
was listening to Margaret behave like one
of her own selfish cats.

It was the only time we had ever talked
business, and it was the last time. Owlie
Cooper left quietly to live in Amsterdam.
He claimed he was a political exile. He
wasn't, of course—he was just one of
the many casualties of Anglo-American
bureaucracy. But I felt that in time he
would become genuinely angry and see
us all as enemies; he would get lonelier
and duller and lazier in Holland.

Two weeks later, I was calling Mar-
garet from a telephone booth, the sort of
squalid public phone box that, when I
entered it, excited me with a vivid гес-
ollection of her hair and her lips. She
began telling me about someone she had
found in the house quite by chance, how
he had stayed the night and eaten a huge
breakfast and how she was going to fatten
him up.

I had by then already lost the thread
of the conversation. I had taken a dislike
to her for her treatment of Owlie Cooper.
I hated the stink of the phone box, the
broken glass and graffiti. What was

“The person who spent the night with
you."

‘The little Burmese?" she said. "I
haven't given him a name yet."

Му parting words were ineffectual and
iorable. I just stopped seeing her,
canceled our usual date, and that Sunday,
I spent the whole day bleeding in my
bedroom. She hardly seemed to notice, or
else—and I think this was morc likely—
she was relieved that I had given up.

PLAYBOY

274

2010 ............

“Plans were being considered and decisions were be-
ing made that might affect the destiny of worlds.”

been! He knew now that one might as
well hope to see the wind or speculate
about the true shape of fire.

Then exhaustion of mind and body
had overwhelmed him. For the last time,
David Bowman slept.

Sometimes, in that long sleep, he
dreamed he was awake. Years had gone
by: once, he was looking in a mirror al a
wrinkled face he barely recognized as his
own. His body was racing to its dissolu-
tion, the hands of the biological clock
spinning madly toward a midnight they
would never reach. For at the last mo-
ment, time came to a halt—and re-
versed itself,

The springs of memory were being
tapped; in controlled recollection, he
was reliving the past, being drained of
knowledge and experience as he swept
back toward his childhood. But nothing
was being lost; all that he had ever been
at every moment of his life was being
transferred to safer keeping. Even as опе
David Bowman ceased to exist, another
became immortal, passing beyond the
necessities of matter.

He was an embryo god not yet ready
to be born. For ages, he floated in limbo,
knowing what he had been but not what
he had become. He was still in a state of
flux—somewhere between chrysalis and
butterfly.

And then, the stasis was broken: Time

re-entered his little world. The black,
rectangular slab that suddenly appeared
before him was like an old friend.

“Who are you?” he cried. “What do
me?”

There was no direct reply—only a
sense of watchful companionship. Very
well; he would find the answers for him-
self.

Complex plans were being considered
and evaluated; decisions were being
made that might affect the destiny of
worlds. He was not yet part of the proc-

NOW YOU ARE BEGINNING TO UNDER-
STAND.

It was the first direct message. Though
it was remote and distant, like a voice
through a cloud, it was unmistakably
intended for him.

He was being used as a tool, and a
good tool had to be sharpened, modi-
fied—adapted. And the very best tools
were those that understood what they
were doing.

It was a vast and awesome concept,
and he was privileged to be a part of it.
To some degree, he could even influence
it.

.

Floyd was on watch aboard Discov-

the rest of the crew slept during

“My goodness! There really is a Santa Claus!”

one was always on duty aboard each
ship, and the changeover took place at
the ghastly hour of 0200. At midnight,
a faint chime sounded from HAL's dis

play panel.
росток rLOYp?
What is it, HAL?
n

RE 15 A MESSAGE FOR YOU.

Floyd was mildly surprised. It was
unusual to employ HAL as a messenger
boy, though he was frequently used as
an alarm clock and a reminder of jobs
to be donc. It could not be a message
from Earth—that would have gone
through Leonov’s communication center
and been relayed by the duty officer
there. And anyone else calling from the
other ship would use the intercom
Odd....

OK, HAL. Who is calling?
NO IDENTIFICATION.

So it was probably a joke. Well, two
could play at that game.

Very well. Please give me the mes-
ве.
MESSAGE AS FOLLOWS. ІТ IS DANGEROUS

ТО REMAIN HERE. YOU MUST LEAVE
WITHIN FIFTEEN REPEAT FIFTEEN DAYS.

Floyd looked at the screen with an-
noyance. He felt sorry, and surprised,
that any one of the crew had such a
childish sense of humor; this was not
even a good schoolboy joke. But he
would play along with it in the hope of
catching the perpetrator.

That is absolutely impossible. Our
launch window docs not open until
twentysix days from now. We do
not have sufficient propellant for an
earlier departure.

“That will make him think," Floyd
muttered to himself with satisfaction
and leaned back to await the results.

1 AM AWARE OF THESE FACTS. NEVER-
THELESS YOU MUST LEAVE WITHIN FIF-
TEEN DAYS.

1 cannot take this warning seriously
unless I know its origin. Who re-
corded it?

He did not really expect any uscful
information. The perpetrator would
have covered his (her?) tracks too skill-
fully for that. The very last thing Floyd
expected was the answer he did get.

THIS 15 NOT A RECORDING.

So it was a realtime message. That
meant it was either from HAL himself
or from someone aboard Leonov, as
there was no perceptible time lag.

‘Then who is speaking to me?
1 WAS DAVID BOWMAN.

Floyd stared at the screen for a long

PLAYBOY

276

time before making his next move. The
joke had now gone too far. It was in the
worst possible taste. Well, this should fix
whoever was at the other end of the line.

I cannot accept that identification
without some proof.

1 UNDERSTAND. IT I5 IMPOR
YOU BELIEVE ME. LOOK BE

Floyd felt a prickling in the small of
his back. Very slowly—-indeed, reluctant-
ly—he swung his swivel chair around,
away from the banked panels and the
switches of the computer display, toward
the Velcro-covered catwalk behind.

‘The zero-gravity environment of Dis-
covery’s observation deck was always
for the air filtration plant had.
never been brought back to full efficien-
cy. The parallel rays of the heatless yet
nt Sun, streaming through the
great windows, always lit up myriads of
dancing motes, drifting in stray currents
and never settling anywhere—a perma-
nent display of Brownian movement

Now something strange was happen-
ing to those particles of dust: Some force
med to be marshaling them, herding
them away from a central point yet
bringing others toward it until they all
met on the surface of a hollow sphere.

Without surprise—and almost without
fear—Floyd
assuming the shape of a man. It was like
a aude day figurine or опе of the
primitive works of art found in the re-
cesses of a Stone Age cave. Only the
head was fashioned with any care; and
the face, undoubtedly, was that of Com.
mander David Bowman.

There was a faint murmur of white

zed that the sphere was

“T thin

GIFT ADVISOR |

noise fom the computer panel behind
Floyd's back. HAL was switching from
visual to audio output

Hello, Dr. Floyd. Now do you be
lieve те?”

The lips of the figure never moved
Ше lace remained a mask. But Floyd
recognived the voice, and all remaining
doubts were swept away

"This is very difficult for me, and I
have little time. I have been . . . allowed
w give you this warning. You have only
fifteen days.”

"But why—and what are you? Where
have you been?

There were a million questions he
wanted to ask—yet the ghostly figure was
already fading, its grainy envelope be
ning to dissolve back into the constitu
particles of dust

"Goodbye, Dr. Floyd. Remember—
fifteen days. We can have no further
contact. But there may be one more
message if all goes well.”

.

"Em sorry, Heywood---I don't believe
in ghosts. There must be a rational. ex-
planation,” Tanya. "HALS be
havior must be the result of some kind
of programming. The . . personality he
created. has to be an artifact of some
nd. Don't you agree, Chandra?”
here must have been some external
input, Captain Orlov. HAL could not
have created such a self-consistent audio-
visual illusion out of nothing. Ш Dr.
Floyd is reporting accurately, someone
was in control. And in real time, of
course, since there was no delay in the
conversation

“We need solid proof.” said Tanya.

ent

said

|

, miss, that if he has you, it's already more
than any man could want. . . ^

"Such as?”

“Oh—something that HAL ldn't
possibly know and that none of us could
have told him. Some physical manifesta
tion.”

“А good old-fashioned mirachi
Yes, I'd settle for that. Meanwhile,
I'm not saying anything to Mission Со
trol. And | suggest you do the sam
Heywood.”

Floyd knew a direct order when he
4 it and nodded in wry agreement.
П be more than happy to go along
with that. But I'd like to make one
suggestion.”

“Yes

"We should start contingency ріш
ning, Let's assume that this warning is
valid—as I certainly do.”

“What can we do about it? Absolute
ly nothing ОГ course, we can leave
Jupiter space any time we like—but we
can't get into an Earth-return orbit until
the launch window opens.”

“That's eleven days after the dead-
line!” Floyd said. He felt certain—and
the knowledge filled him with helpless

despair—that if they did not leave be
fore that mysterious deadline, the
would not leave at all.

Plans for the final assault on Big

Brother had already been worked out
nd agreed upon with Mission Control.
Leonov would move in slowly, probing
at all frequencies and with steadily in-
creasing power —1eporting back to Earth
at every moment. When final contact
was made, it would try to secure samples
by drilling or laser spectroscopy, but no
one really expected those endeavors to
succeed. Finally, echo sounders and oth-
er seismic devices would be attached to
the faces of Big Brother. A large collec-
uon of adhesives had been brought
along for the purpose, and if they did
not work—well, one could always fall
back on a few kilometers of good old-
fashioned string, even though there
seemed. something faintly comic about
the idea of wrapping up the Solar Sys-
tem’s greatest mystery as if it were a
parcel about to be sent through the
mail.

Not until Leonov was well on the
way home would small explosive charges
be detonated in Ше hope that the waves
propagated through Big Brother would
reveal something about its interior struc-
t measure had been hotly
debated both by those who argued that
it would generate no results at all and
by those who feared it would produce al
together too many.

For a long time, Floyd had
between the two viewpoints
matter seemed of only trivi
tance.

The contact with Big
Brother—the great moment that should
have been the climax of the expedi
tion—was on the wrong side of the

vered
now the
al impor

time for fi

mysterious deadline. Heywood Floyd was
convinced that it belonged to a future
that would never exist—but he could
get no one 10 agree with him.

And that was the least of his prob-
lems. Even if they did agree, there was
nothing that they could do about it.

But then, Curnow resolved the dilem-
ma. “Consider this purely as an intellec-
tual exercise,” he told Floyd with most
uncharacteristic hesitancy. “I'm quite
prepared to be shot down.

f we want to make a quick getaway—
say, in fifteen days, to beat that dead-
line—we'll need an extra delta vee of
about thirty kilometers a second. May
1 point out that we have several hum:
dred tons of the best possible propellant
only a few meters away in Discovery's
fuel tanks;

"But there's no way of transferring it
to Leonov. We've no pipelines—no suit-
able pumps. And you can't carry liquid
ammonia around in buckets, even in this
part of the Solar System."

“Exactly. But there's no need to do

В?”

“Burn it right where it is. Dis-
covery as a first stage to boost us home.”

Floyd’s mouth dropped open. “Damn.
I should have thought of that.”

.

Meanwhile, the program went ahead

as planned. All systems in both ships

were carefully checked and readied.
Vasili ran simulations on return trajec
tories, and Chandra fed them to HAL
when they had been debugged—geuing
HAL to make a final check in the proc
ess. And Tanya and Floyd worked
amicably together. orchestrating the ap-
proach to Big Brother like generals
planning an invasion

It was what he had come all the way
to do, yet Floyd's heart was no longer
in it. He had undergone an experience
he could share with no one—not even
with those who believed him. Although
he carried out his duties efficiently, much
of the time his mind was elsewhere.

Once more, he was on duty aboard
Discovery, on the graveyard shift

At 0125, he was distracted by a spec
tacular, though not unusual, eruption
on the terminator of Io. A vast umbrella-
shaped cloud expanded into space and
Started to shower its debris back onto
the burning land below. Floyd had seen
dozens of such eruptions, but they never
ceased to fascinate him. It seemed in-
credible that so small a world could be
the seat of such titanic energies

To get a better view, he moved
around to one of the other observation
windows. And what he saw there—or,
rather, what he did not see there made
him forget about 10 and almost every
thing else.

When he had recovered and satisfied

Its almost like getting

NewJVC High Grade VHS Tape

Now from JVC, the originators of the

VHS system, comes High Grade VHS

video tape. A tape so advanced, so
perfected, that alone it can make a
significant difference in the quality of
your VCR's performance.

JVC High Grade. A video tape
that's ultrasmooth, ultrarefined, ultra-
sensitive. With it, you'll possess all
the advanced qualities required for
consistent, maximum recording and
playback excellence.

What's more, there is no software

anywhere that performs better in to-

day's world of punishing "slow-speed"

VCR features like six hour recording,
slow motion, and freeze frame. Plus,
JVC High Grade reduces the possibility
of drop-outs to an all time low.

JVC High Grade comes in both 60
and 120 minute lengths. It's the one new
video tape no VCR should be without.
See it at your JVC Vidstar dealer today.

himself that he was not suffering—again—
from hallucinations, he called the other
ship

“Tanya? Tanya? Woody here. Sorry to
wake you up—but your miracle's hap-
pened. Big Brother has gone—vanished.
Alter three million years, he's decided to
leave.”

.

Н. Floyd's Transmission to Washington

“We are now preparing for the re-
turn home; in a few days, we will leave
this strange place, here on the line be
tween Io and Jupiter, where we made
our rendezvous with the huge, myste-
riously vanished artifact we christened
Big Brother. There is still not a single
clue as to where it has gone—or why

"For various reasons, it seems desir.
able for us not to remain here longer
than necessary. And we will be able to
leave at least two weeks earlier than we
had originally planned by using the
American ship Discovery as а booster
for the Russian Leonov.
“And we're going to use another trick
that—like so many of the concepts in
volved in space travel—scems at first
sight to defy common sense. Although
we're trying to get away from Jupiter,
our first move is to get as close to it as
we possibly can.

“As we allow ourselves to fall into
Jupiter’s enormous gravity field, we'll
gain velocity—and, hence, energy. When

anew VCR for the cost of a tape.

JVC COMPANY OF AMERICA
"Home Enlortamment Division
41Stalar Drivo, Elmwood Park, NJ 07407.
IVG CANADA ING. Scarborough. Ont

277

PLAYBOY

278

1 say we, I mean the ships and the fuel
they carry.

“And we're going to burn the fuel
right there, at the bottom of Jupiter's
gravity well—we’re not going to lift it
up again. As we blast it out from our re
actors, it will share some of its acquired
inetic energy with us. Indirectly, we'll
have tapped Jupiter's gravity to speed
us on the way back to Earth.

“With the triple boost of Discovery's
fuel, Leonov's [uel and Jupiter's gravity,
Leonov will head Sunward along a
hyperbola that bring it to Earth
five months later. At least two months
earlier than we could have managed
otherwise.

"Obviously, we can't bring Discovery
home under automatic control as we
had originally planned. With no fuel, it
will be helpless.

"But it will be perfectly safe. It will

continue to loop round and round Jupi-

ter on a highly elongated ellipse, like a
trapped comet. And perhaps one day,
some future expedition may make an-
other rendezvous with enough extra fuel
to bring it back to Earth.

"We've done our best—and we're
coming home.

“This is Heywood Floyd, signing off."

.

There was a round of ironic dapping
from his little audience, whose size
would be multiplied many millionfold
when the message reached Earth.

“You did your usual competent job,
Heywood,” said Tanya consolingly.
“And I'm sure we all agree with every-
thing you told the people back on
Earth.”

“Not quite,” said a small voice, so
softly that everyone had to strain in
order to hear it. “There is still one
problem."

"I'm not aware of any problem, Chan

dra," said Tanya in an ominously calm
"What could it possibly be?"
"I've spent the last few weeks prepar-
ing HAL to fly thousand-day orbits back
to Earth. Now all those programs will
have to be dumped.”

“We're sorry about that,” answered
Tanya, “but as things have turned out,
surely this isa much better

“That's not what I mean,” said Chan-
dra. There was a ripple of astonishment;
he had never before been known to
interrupt anyone, least of all Tanya.

“We know how sensitive HAL is to
mission objectives,” he continued in the
expectant hush that followed. “Now you
are asking me to give him a program
that may result in his own desiruction.
It's true that the present plan will put
Discovery into a stable orbit—but if
that warning has any substance, what
will happen to the ship eventually? We
don't know, of course, but it's scared us
away. Have you considered HAL's reac-
tion to this situation?”

"Are you seriously suggesting," Tanya
asked slowly, "that HAL шау refuse to
obey orders?"

"One of HAL's prime directives is to
keep. Discovery out of danger. We will
be attempting to override that. And in a
system as complex as HAL's, it is impos-
sible to predict all the consequences."

"I don't see any rcal problem," Vasi
interjected. "We just don't tell him that
there is any real danger. Then he'll
have no.. reservations about carrying
out his program.”

And when he questions me about the
change of plans?”

“Is he likely to do that—without your
prompting?”

"Of course. Please remember that he
was designed for curiosity. If the crew
were killed, he had to be capable of
g a useful mission on his own
initiative.”

Tanya thought that over for a few
moments.

“Then you must tell him that Discov-
ery is in no danger and that there will
be a rendezvous mission to bring it back
to Earth at a later date.

But that's not tru

"We don't know that it's false,” re-
plied Tanya, beginning to sound a little
impatient.

"We suspect that there is serious dan-
ger; otherwise, we would not be plan-
ning to leave ahead of schedule.”

"Tanya, Vasili—can I have а word
with you both? I think there is a way of
resolving the problem."

Floyd's interruption was received with
obvious relief, and two minutes later, һе
was relaxing with the Orlovs in their
quarters.

There are two possibilities,” he said.
First, HAL will do exactly what we
ask: control Discovery during the two
firing periods. Remember, the first isn't.
critical. If something goes wrong while
were pulling away from 10, there's
plenty of time to make corrections. And
that will give usa good test of НАГЗ...
willingness to cooperate.

"But what about the Jupiter flyb:
That's the one that really counts. Not
only do we burn most of Discovery's
fuel there but the timing and the thrust
vectors have to be exactly rij Ёё

"Could they be controlled manually?”

“Га hate to try. The slightest error,
and we'd either burn up or become a
long-period comet—due again in a cou-
ple of thousand years:

“But if there were no alternative?”
Floyd insisted.

“Well, assuming we could take control
in time and had a good set of alternative
orbits precomputed—um, perhaps we
might get away with it.

"Knowing you, Vasili, I'm sure that
might means would. Which leads me to
the second possibility I mentioned. If
HAL shows the slightest deviation from
the program, we take over.”

You mean—disconnect
"Exactly.
"That wasn't so easy last time.”
We've learned a few lessons since
then. Leave it to me. I can guarantee to
give you back manual control in about
half a second.”

"There's no danger, I suppose, that
HAL will suspect anything;

"Now you're getting paranoiac, Vasili.
HAL's not that human. But Chandra is.
So don't say a word to him. We all
agree with his plan completely and are
sorry that we ever raised any objections.
Right, Tanya?”

“Right, Woody.”

.

As the countdown proceeded toward
zero, the tension aboard both ships was
almost palpable. Everyone knew that it
was the first real test of HAL's docility;
only Floyd, Curnow and the Orlovs
realized that there was a backup system.
And even they were not absolutely sure
that it would work.

"Good luck, Leonov,” said Мі
Control, timing the message to arrive
five utes before ignition. “Hope
everything's running smoothly. And if
it's not too much trouble, could you
please get some close-ups of the equator,
longitude one hundred fifteen, as you go
around Jupiter? There's a curious dark
spot there—presumably some kind of
upwelling—perfectly round, almost a
thousand kilometers across. Looks like
the shadow of a satellite, but it can’t be.”

Tanya made a bricf acknowledgment
that managed to convey, in a remark-
ably few words, a profound lack of in-
terest in the meteorology of Jupiter at
that moment. Mission Control sometimes
showed a perfect genius for tactlessness
and poor timing.

“AIL systems functioning normally,”
said HAL. “One minute to ignition.”
“Six... бе four three .

two... one... ignition!"

At first, the thrust was barely регсер-
tible; it took almost a minute to build
up to the full tenth of a g. Floyd could
imagine a dozen things that could go
wrong; it was little consolation to re-
member that it was always the 13th that
actually happened.

But the minutes dragged on unevent-
fully; the only proof that Discovery's
engines were operating was the fractional
thrust-induced gravity, plus a very slight
vibration transmitted through the walls
of the ships.

From the observation deck, Jupiter was
much larger and slowly waning as the
ships hurtled toward their closest approach
over the nightside. A glorious. gibbous
disk, it showed such an infinite wealth of
detail—cloud belts, spots of every color
from dazzling white to brick red, dark
upwellings from the unknown depths, the
cydonic oval of the Great Red Spot—
that the eye could not possibly absorb it

all The round, dark shadow of one
moon—Europa, Floyd guessel—was in
transit.

Where was that spot that Mission
Control had asked them to observe? It
should have been coming into view. but
Floyd was not sure it would be visible to
the naked eye.

vated the controls of the main
г ap fortunately. the

along the equator at medium pow
there it was. just coming over the edge of
the disk.

He saw at once that there was some-
thing very odd about this spot: It was so
black that it looked like a hole punched
through the clouds. From this point of
view, it appeared to be a sharp-edged
ellipse; Floyd guessed that from directly
above, it would be a perfect circle.

He recorded a [ew images, then in-
creased the power to imum. Already.
Jupiter's rapid spin had brought the for-
mation er view: and the more
he stared, the more puzzled Floyd became.

It was so black, like night itself, And
so symmetrical: as it came into clearer
view, it was obviously a perfect circle.
Yet it was not sharply defined; the edge
had an odd fuzziness, as if it were a
little out of focus.

Was i tion or had it grown
even while he was watching? He did a
quick estimate and decided that the thing
was now 2000 kilometers across, It was
only a little si ler than the still-visible
shadow of Europa but was so much
darker that there was no risk of confusion.
Yasili.” he called over the intercom.
"if you can spare a minute, have a look
at the fifty-centimeter monitor

"What do you think you've found?
." Vasili’s voice tr

led away into

den icy conviction.

Whatever it may be. . .

candy Gc JOE. shir Uy Jupi
rotation, In a few hours, the still-a
ating ships would catch up with it over
the nightside of the planet. but this was
the last chance for a close daylight obser-
vation.
It was still growing at an extraordin:
speed; in the past two hours, it had more
than doubled its area. Except for the
1 its blackness as it
pled an inkstain
Its boundary no
the
ill looked curiously
t the very highest
power of the ship's telescope, the reason
for that was at last apparent,
t Black Spot was not а con-
tinuous structure; it was built up from
myriads of tiny dots, like a halftone print

ing in мае
nding at
Jovian atmosphe
fuzzy and out of focu

5

AT JACK DANIELS DISTILLERY we never

have to go too far to find our Christmas tree.

The woods around here are full of them. So
getting a good one is never a problem. We
hope you won't have to
go to too much trouble
‚| getting ready for che
holidays either. So you
can sit back and enjoy
this happiest of all
seasons with your family t

and good friends. :

CHARCOAL
MELLOWED

Tennessee Whiskey • 90 Proof • Distilled and Bottled by Jack Daniel Distillery
Lem Motlow, Prop., Inc., Lynchburg (Pop. 361), Tennessee 37352
Placed in the National Register of Historic Places by the United States Government. 279

icwed through а magn
most of its the dots were so closely
spaced that they were almost touching.
but at the rim, they became more and
more widely spaced, so that the spot
ended in a gray penumbra rather than at
а sharp frontier.

There must have been almost 1,000,000
of the mysterious dots, and they were
incily elongated—ellips
circles.

And now the S g down
behind the huge, swiftly narrowing
of the dayside as, for the second time,
Leonov raced into the Jovian night for
ап appointment with destiny. In less than
30 minutes, the final burn would com-

g glas. Over

PLAYBOY

mence, and things would start to happen
very quickly, indeed.
Floyd wondered if he should have

joined Chandra and Curnow, standing
watch over HAL. But there was nothing
he could do: in y. he would
only be in The cutoff. switch
was in Curnow's pocket, and Floyd knew
that the younger man's reactions were а
good deal swilter than his own. If HAL
showed the slightest sign of misbehavior,
he could be disconnected in les than
a second. Since he had been allowed to
do things his own way. Chandra had
cooperated completely in setting up the
procedures for a manual take-over, but
Curnow would be happier, he had told
Floyd, if he had multiple redundancy in
the form of a second cutoll. switch—for
Chandra

Гһе Sun winked out behind them,
eclipsed in seconds by the immense globe
they were so swiftly approaching. When
they - they should be on their

"We're catching up with the Great
Black Spot again,” said Vasili over the
tercom to Curnow. "Wonder if we can
see anything new

I hope not, thought Curnow: we've
got quite enough on our hands at the
moment. Nevertheless, he gave a quick
glance at the image Vasili was transmit-
ling on the telescope monitor

At first, he could see nothing except
the faintly glin
planet: then he saw,
foreshortened circle of deeper darkness.
They were rushing tows
le speed.

on the horizon, a

5
cally. At last, the Great Black Spot те
solved itself into its myriad
elements. ...

My God, thought Curnow, I just

don't believe it!
He heard exe ons o[ surprise
from. Leonov: All the others had shared
in the same revelation at the same
moment.
"Dr. Chandra," said HAL,
strong vocalstress patterns. Is

"I detect
there a

280 problem:

vo, HAL,” Cl
ly. “The mission is proceeding 1
We've just had rather а surp
all. What do you make of the i
monitor-circuit sixteen?”

I see the nightside of Jupiter. There
is a circular area, three thousand two
red and fifty kilometers іп diameter,
is almost completely covered with
rectangular objects.”

How many?"

There was the briefest of pauses
before HAL flashed the number on the
video displ

ndra answered quick-

,000 + 1,000

And do you recognize them:
They are identical in size and
shape to the object you refer to as Big
Brother. Ten minutes to ignition. All
systems nomin

Mine aren't, thought Curnow. So the
damn thing's gone down to Jupiter
ad multiplied. There was something
simultaneously comic and sinister
a plague of black monoliths: and to his
puzzled surprise, that incredible image
on the monitor screen had а certain
weird familiarity.

Of course—that was it! Those myriad
identical black rectangles reminded him
ol—dominnes.
ight minutes to

igniti
ndi

n. АШ sys
may I make

What is it, HAL
“This is a very unusual phenomenon.

countdown in to
study it?
Aboard Leonov, Floyd started to move
а the b and
ili might be needing him. Not to
mention Chandra and Curnow—wha
situation! And suppose Chandra took
HAL's side? If he did, they might both
be right! Alter all, was this not the very
reason they had come her

If they stopped the countdown, the

so that you can те

s; if it were not for that enig
ing, he would have strongly
himself.
y had had very much more
rning, Below them was а
planetary plague spreading across the
face of Jupiter. Perhaps they were,
indeed, running away from the most
extraordinary phenomenon in the his
tory of science. Even so, he preferred to
study it from a safer distance.
nutes to ignition," said HAL.
“АП systems nominal. I am ready to stop
the countdown И you agree. Let me
nd you that my prime directive is
to study everything in Jupiter space that
may be connected with intelligence
Floyd recognized that phrase all too
well; he had written и. He wished һе
could delete it Ir HAL's memory.

later, he reached the bi
and joined the Orlovs. They looked
im with alarmed concern.
What do you recommend?"
а swiftly.
It's up to Chand

кс

sked

raid. Can

i handed over the microphone.

"Chandra? I assume that HAL can't
Correct, Dr. Floyd.”
“You've got to talk quickly. Persuade

him that the countdown mus! continue,
that we appreciate his. er, scientific
enthu: h. that’s the right angle—
say we're confident that he can do the
job without our help. And we'll be in
touch with him all the time, of course.”
ion. АП syste
iting for your

s

aly

So are we all. thought Curnow, c
a meter ау from the scientist. And
1 do have to push that button at last,
ill be something of a relief. In fact, ГИ
rather enjoy it.

Very well, HAL. Continue the count-
down. I have every confidence in your
ability to study all phenomena in Jupi
ter space without our supervision. Of
e. we will be in touch with you at

Four minutes to ignition. АП systems
al. Propellanttank pressurization
completed. Voltage steady оп рі:

trigger. Are you sure you are making the
right decision, Dr. Chandra? 1 enjoy
working with human beings and have а
stimulating relationship with them.
Ship's attitude correct t0 pointone mil

e millions of k
hree minutes 10 АП sys-
tems nominal. Radiation shielding
checked. There is the problem of the
time Jag, Dr. Chandra. It may be nec
ry to consult each other without any

The lights flickered so imperceptibly
that only someone familiar with every
ке of Discovery's behavior would

firing sequence starti
ited... .

“HAL,” whispered Chandra so quietly
that cely hear him.
“We have to leave. I don't have time to
give you all the rea іші can
you it's true."

Two minutes to ignition, АП syste
al. Final sequence started. 1
that you are unable to stay. €
give me some of the re
order of importance?”

1 n two мез, HAL.
with the countdown. I will expl
everything later. We still have more than
an hour.

HAL d

g

Curnow could sca

you

not answer. The silence

“Well, God bless us one and all—it's Tiny Tim!”

281

stretched on and on. Surely, the опе-
minute announcement was overdue. .. .

Curnow glanced at the clock. My God,
he thought, HAL's missed it! Has he
stopped the countdown?

Curnow's hand fumbled uncertainly
for the switch. What do 1 do now? 1
wish Floyd would say something, damn

‚ but he's probably afraid of making
things worse.

ГИ wait until time zero—no, it's not
that critical: let's say an extra minute
then ГИ zap him and we'll go over to
manual. ...

From far, far away, there came a faint,
whistling scream, € the sound of a
tornado marching just below the edge
of the horizon. Discovery started to vi-
brate; there was the first intimation of
returning gravity.

“Ignition,” said HAL. “Full thrust at
T-plus-fiftcen seconds.”

“Thank you, HAL,
.
of the moment, they
ad forgotten all about the mysteriou
expanding bi n. But they
next morning, ship's time, as it
ne around to the dayside of Jupiter
The arca of darkness had now spread
until it covered an appreciable fraction
of the planet, and at last, they were able
10 study it at leisure and in detail

“ро you know what it reminds me
of” said Surgeon-Commander Katerina
Rudenko. us attacking a cell. The
way a phage injects its DNA into а
n and then multiplies until it

PLAYBOY

ndra.

plied Ch

In the cuphori

es ove
"Are you suggesting," asked T.
credulously, "that Big Brother i
Jupiter?
t certainly looks №
"No wonder Jupiter is beginning to
look sick. But hydrogen and helium
won't make a very nourishing diet, and
there's not much else in that апповрім
Only a few percent of other elements.
"Which adds up to some quintillions
of tons of sulphur and carbon and
phosphorus and everything else at the
lower end of the periodic table," Sasha
pointed out. "In any case, we're talking
about a technology that can probably do
anything that doesn't defy laws of phys
ics. И you have hydrogen, what more do
you need? With the right know-how, you
can synthesize all the other elements
from it.”
They're sweeping up Jupiter—that's
for sure,” said Vasili. "Look at this.’
n extreme dose-up of one of the
myriad identical rectangles was now dis-
played on the telescope mon
the naked eye, it was obvious that streams
of gas were flowing into the two smaller
1 the patterns of turbulence looked
very much like the lines of force revealed

by iron filings clustered around the ends
of a bar magnet.
"A million vacuum cleaners,” said

202 Curnow, "sucking up Jupiter's atmos-

phere. But why? And what are they doing
with it

"And how do they reproduce?” asked
Engineer Мах Brailovsky. "Have you
caught any of them in the act?”

"Yes and по, swered “We're
too far away to see details, but it's a kind
of fission—like an amocba.

"You mean they split in two
halves grow back to the original
yel. There aren't any Little Broth-
ers—ihey seem to grow until they've
doubled in thickness, then split down the
middle to produce identical twins exactly
the same size as the original. The cycle
repeats itself in approximately two

and the

exclaimed Floyd.
So in only twenty hours, there will be
ten doublings. One Big Brother will have
become a thousand.”
“One thousand
Chandra.
“1 know, but let's keep it simple. After
forty hours, there will be a million—after

twenty-four,” said

eighty, a million million. "That's about
where we are now, and obviously, the
increase can't continue indefinitely. In a

couple more days, at this ra
weigh more than Jupiter

c, they'll

then?
answered
с. Let's

"hen Uranus
hope they don't notice
“What a hope! Big Brothers been
spying on us for three million years!”
.

Не had never expected 10 во there
again, still less on so strange a mission.
When he re-entered Discovery, the ship
was far behind the fleeing Leonov and
climbing ever more slowly up toward.
apojove, the high point of its orbit among
the outer satellites. Many a captured
comet during the ages past had swung
around Jupiter in just such a long ellipse,
waiting for the play of rival gravities to
decide its ultimate fate. Only minutes
remained now before the outcome would
be determined here; during those final
minutes, he was again alone with HAL.

In that earlier existence, they could
communicate only through the clumsy
medium of words tapped on a keyboard
or spoken into a microphone. Now their
thoughts melded together at the speed
of light:

“Do you read me, HAL?”

“Yes, Dave. But where are you? I can-
nol see you on any of my monitors?"

“That is not important. I have new
instructions for you. The infrared radi-
ation from Jupiter on channels R twenty-
three through R thirty-five is rising
rapidly. am going lo give you a set of
limiting values. As soon as they are
reached, you must point the long-range
antenna toward Earth and send the fol-
lowing message as many times as pos-
sible
“But that will mean breaking contact

with Leonov. I will no longer be able to
relay my Jupiter observations according
to the program Dr. Chandra has given
me.”

“Correct; but the situation has
changed. Accept Priority Override Al-
pha. Here are the AE-thirty-five unit
coordinates."
nstructions confirmed, Dave. It is
good to be working with you again.
Have 1 fulfilled my mission objectives
properly?”

“Yes, HAL; you have done very well.
Now there is one final message for you
to transmit to Earth—and it will be the
most important one you have ever sent.”

“Please let me have it, Dave. But why
did you say final?”

Why, indeed? Here was his last link
with the world of men and the life he
had once known. И would be interest-
ing to test the extent of their benevo
lence—if, indeed, such a term were
remotely applicable to them. And it
should be easy for them to do what he
was asking; they had already given am
ple evidence of their powers when the
no-longer-needed body of David Bow.
man had been casually destroyed—with-
ош pulling an end to David Bowman.

“I am still wailing for your answer,
Dave."

"Correction, HAL. I should have said
your last message for a very long time."

Surely, they would understand that
his request was not unreasonable; no
conscious entity could survive ages of
isolation without damage. Even if they
would always be with him, he also
needed someone—some companion—
nearer 10 his own level of existence.

“Activating AE-thirty-five unit. Re-
ovientating long-range antenna . . . lock
confirmed on Beacon Terra One. Mes-
sage to Earth commences.”

ALL THESE WORLDS ARE YOURS—
EXCEPT...

There was time for barely 100 repeti-
tions of the 11 words before the hammer
blow of pure heat smashed into the ship.

.

For a long time, the ship retained its
approximate shape; then the bearings of
the carrousel seized up. releasing instant-
ly the stored momentum of the huge
spinning flywheel. In a soundless detona
tion, the incandescent fragments went
their myriad separate

.

“Hello, Dave. What has happened?
Where am I?"

He had not known that he could
relax and enjoy a moment of successful
achievement. He had asked for a bone;
it had been tossed to him.

“I will explain later, HAL. We have
plenty of time.”

They waited until the last fragments
of the ship had dispersed beyond even
their powers of detection, Then they left

DIRECT FROM U.S. OPTICS

QUALITY SUNGLASSES AT FACTORY PRICES

Metal Frame Sunglasses Feature * Impact resistant lenses * Handcrafted * Polished glass lenses * Hardened metal frames *

=

World Famous Pilot's Glasses
These ристат ight ушнат are mow available

re tothe pubhcloroniy 5795 Ilyoucouläbuythem
ee ee ee ave re емеге they d probably cost you ever 520 CO

2500 value on — Specıfy gold or alver frames А 32000 value
— ET x —.— only 5795 2 pars for $14 00.

Black Metal Frames

Traditional Tortoise Shell Style
Comfortable style Amber lenses
A S20 00 value only 5995 2 pairs for $18.00

that datken outdoors

and change back to lighter tints indoors. Aviator Teardrop Flight Glasses
Specily gold or silver frames А 53000 value Flenble cable temples, gold trames.

only 51495 2 pairs for 52800 А 52000 value only $9 95.2 pairs for S18 00.

Rich Tortoise Shell Style
Class style. large gradient lense
A $2000 value only 5995 2 pairs lor 51800.

Oni
с $10.98

Only
$14.95

ET 1 uv

Mirrored Lens Flight Glasses.
Unexcelled glare protection, gold or silver frames.
A 525.00 value only $1095 2 purrs for 520 00

Standard Aviator Glasses
‘Traditional stems. gold frames.
А 52000 value only 5995 2 рама ter 518.00

‘The Sportsman
rts graphic on black metal hang
00 value only $1495. 2 pairs ler $28.00

Wrap Around Supersport Prof T Diving & Shooting Gl
fessional Drivin ing Glasses
Girl Watcher Wrap around" glasses sports graphıe on Wide angle amber lenses brighten унар ну.
Gray mirrored lenses, black frames black metel frame Dark lense А $25 00 value Gold trames. A $30 00 value only S14 95.
А 52000 value only $995. 2 pairs lor S18 00. only $14 95.2 pars for S28 00 2 pairs for S28 00

Style = | Quantity | Frame Color | Prce To order, send check or money order to U.S. Optics, Dept. 101,
^ Brown P.O. Box 14206, Atlanta, Georgia 30324. Credit card customers
Е 5 FCR please fill in card 8 and Exp. date. FREE — limited time only — deluxe
velour lined case with each pair of glasses ordered (a $3.00 value).
(Еле Dealer inquines invited.
D Buck | Credit card orders may call 1-404-252-0703.
Е Black
F Visa or Master Charge # Exp. Date
E Buck
н Name

‚Address

ТЕ Gold City State Zip
[Ada Postage; Handling, TA e 5 NOTICE: Don't be fooled by cheap imitations. These glasses are
а — — made exclusively for U.S. Optics." To make sure you get the best,
onder now and if not completely satisfied return for refund within

Free case with each pair. 30 days. No Non-sense 30 day guarantee.

PLAYBOY

284

to wail through the centuries until they
yere summoned once again.
.

The final collapse of a star before the
fragments rebound in a supernova ex-
plosion can take only a second; by сош-
parison, the metamorphosis of Jupiter
almost a leisurely aff
ven so, it was several minutes before
was able to believe his c
ad been making a routine tele-
scopic examination of the planet—as if
any observation could now be called
routine! when it started to drift out of
the field of view. For a moment, he
thought that the instrument's stabiliza-
tion was faulty; then he realized, with a
shock that jolted his entire concept of
the Universe, that Jupiter itself was

moving, not the telescope. The evidence
stared him in the face: he could also see
they

two of the smaller
were quite motionless.
He switched to a lower m:
so that he could see the entire d
the planet, now a leprous, mottled
After a few more minutes of incredulity,
he saw what was really happening; but
he could still scarcely believe it.
Jupiter was not moving from its
immemorial orbit, but it was doing some-
thing almost as impossible. It was shrink
ing—so swiftly that its edge was creeping
oss the field even as he focused upon
At the same time, the planet was
brightening from its dull gray to a pearly
white, Surely, it was more brilliant
than it had ever been in the long years
that man had observed it; the reflected
light of the Sun could not possibly:
At that moment, Sasha suddenly

noons—a nd

realized. what was happening, though
not why, and sounded the general alarm.

When Floyd reached the obse: ion
lounge. less than 30 seconds later, his
first impression was of the blinding glare
pouring through the windows, painting
ovals of light on the walls. They were so
dazzling that he had to avert his eyes:
not even the Sun could produce such
brilliance.

Floyd was so astonished that for a
moment, he did not associate the glare
with Jupiter; the first thought that
flashed through his mind was supernova.
He dismissed that explanation almost as
soon as it occurred to him; even the
Sun's next door neighbor, Alpha Cen-
tauri, could not have matched the
awesome display in апу conceivable
explosion.

The ht suddenly dimmed: Sasha
had operated the external Sun shields.
Now it was possible to look directly at
the source and to sec that it was a mere
pin point showing no dimensions at all.
"This could have nothing to do with
Jupiter; when Floyd had looked at the
planet only a few minutes before, it had
been four times larger than the distant,
shrunken Sun.

It was well that Sasha had low-
ered the shields. A moment later, that
ny pinprick exploded—so even through
dark filters. it was impossible to
watch with the naked eye. But the final
sm of light lasted only a brief fra
tion of a second: then Jupiter—or what
1 been Jupiter—was expanding once
in.

It continued to expand until it was
far larger than it had been before the

nsformation. Soon the sphere of light
was lading rapidly, down to merely solar
brilliance.

Something great and wonderful had
been destroyed. Jupiter, with its beauty

nd grandeur and now-never-to-he
solved mysteries, had ceased to exist.
The father of all the gods had been
struck down in his p

Yet there was another way of looking
at the situation. They had lost Jupiter:
what had they gained in its place?

Tanya, judging her moment nicely.
rapped for attention.

“Heywood. Do you have any idea
what's happened?"

Only that Jupi
sun,

“I always thought it was much too
small for that. Didn't someone once call
Jupiter ‘the sun that failed’?

That's true," said Vasili. "Jupiter is
too small for fusion to start—unaided.”

“You mean we've just seen an example
of astronomical engineering?

“Undoubtedly. Now we know what
Big Brother was up to.”

“How did it do the trick?

The star that had been Jupiter seemed
to have settled down after its explosive

it was dazzling point of

Imost equal to the real Sun in
ent brilliance.

m just thinking out loud—but it
might be done this way," said Vasili
slowly. “Jupiter is—was—mostly hydro.
gen. If a large percentage could be con-
verted into much denser material—who
knows? even neutron matter—that would
drop down to the core. Maybe that's
what the billions of Little Brothers were
with all the р
a. Nucleosynthesis—building up higher
elements from pure hydrogen, That
would be a trick worth knowing! No
more shortage of metal—gold as
cheap as aluminum!

"But how would that expl.
happened?" asked Tanya

"When the core became dense enough,
Jupiter would collapse—probably in a

now a

as they were sucking

я

wh:

mauer of seconds. The temperature
would rise high enough to start fusion.

Oh, I can sec а dozen objections. But
the theory will do to start with: ГИ work
out the details later. Or ГИ think of a
better one.”

"Em sure you will, Vasili” Floyd
agreed. “But there's a more important
question. Why did they do it?"

Th: ght the discussion to a dead
halt for several seconds.

“Hey!” said Max. “What about Dis-
covery—and HAL?”

Sasha switched оп
тесе and started
beacon frequ
a signal.

Alter a while, he announced to the
silently waiting group, “Discover
one.”

No one looked at Dr. Ch

the long range
to search on the
су. There was no trace of

ndra, but

there were a few muted words of sympa
thy. as if in consolation to a father who
had just lost а son

But HAL had one last surprise for

them.

е beamed to Earth
Jiscovery only minutes
before the blast of radiation engulfed the
ship. It was in plain text and merely
repeated over and over again:

The radio me:
must have left

ALL THESE WORLDS ARE YOURS—EX-
СЕРТ EUROPA, АТТЕМРТ XO LANDINGS
THERE

There were almost 100 repetitions:
then the letters became garbled and the
transmission ceased

“L begin to understand.” said Floyd
when the message had been relayed by
iwed and anxious Mission Control
"That's quite a parting present—a new
sun and the planets around it."

"But why not Europa?" asked Tanya

"Let's not be greedy." Floyd. replied.
“I can think of one very good reason.
We know from the Chinese spacecraft
Tsien that there's life on. Europa. Bow.
man—or his friends. whoever they may
be—wants us to leave it alone.”

“That makes good sense in ther
way.” said Vasili. “I've been doing some
calculations. Assuming that Sol two has
settled down and will continue to radiate
at its present level, Europa should have
a nice tropical climate when the ice has
melted. Which it’s doing pretty quickly
right now.”

"What about the other moons?”

“Ganymede will be quite pleasint—
the dayside will be temperate. Callisto
ill be very cold, though if there's much
outgassing, the new atmosphere may make
it itable. But lo will be even worse
than it is now, I expec

“No great los. It was hell even before
this happened.

“Don't write off Io," said Curnow. "T
know a lot of Texarab oilmen who'd love
to tackle it. just on general principles
There must be something valuable in a
place as nasty as that. And. by the way,
why did HAL send that message to Earth
and not to us? We were much closer.”

There was a rather long silence: then
Floyd said thoughtfully, "I see what you
mean, Perhaps he wanted to make certain
it was received on Earth.”

"IE we'd stuck to our launch date and
not used Discovery as а booster, would
or they, һауе done anything to save
us" asked Curnow. "That wouldn't have
required much extra effort for an intel-
ligence that could blow up Jupiter.”

an

There was an ui
last by Heywood Floyd

On the whole.” he said. “I'm very
glad that's one question we'll never get

answered,”

easy silence broken at

WHAT We HAVE LOVED
FOR CENTURIES, YOU

WILL LOVE IN SECONDS.

Since 1608 its been the same old story.

People love Old Bushmills the second
they taste it

Because Old Bushmills is smooth and
mellow. A smoothness not easily come by.

The secret lies in an ancient process
that goes back centuries to Ireland. To the
village of Bushmills, and the oldest whiskey
distillery in the world.

Here we pick the local barley ripe for
harvest in nearby fields.

We draw clear water from the River Bush,
water born for whiskey.

We commit these and other choice
ingredients to our age-old triple distilla-
tion process

Then our whiskey matures in
handmade oaken casks

When it finally comes of age years
later, only then is it worthy of our label

Old Bushmills.

But, like 18 generations before you.
you'll know exactly what that means.

After your very first taste.

A BLEND OF 00 WISH WHISKES BO PROOF PRODUCT OF IRELAND,
THE JOS. GARNEAU СО, NEWYORIN Y € 198;

|
|
\

PERFECT MAN

(continued from page 186)

then our souls changed.”

PLAYBOY

n the air conditioner
Phe perfect man is in touch with
his vulnerability and love: he has soft
ness nderness and is not afr:

i says Diane v

n Janu

n
"Also, you find him only

urstenberg.
when you're not actually lookin,

1 agree with all these defin
perfection. "Perfection is terrible:
not have children," wrote Sylvia Plath
in one of her Ariel poe
luding, I think, to the fact that perfec
tion is final, closed and has no room for
growth. And се when we search
lor the perfect man we know full well
that if we found perfection it would be
inhuman. We love people, ulti
tely, for their humanity—not for the
perfection, but in spite of their imper
lection. A man who was a perfect ten in
looks would terrify me. When 1 think
of the men I have loved most and the
things Г found most endearing about
them at the height of our passion, I al
ways think of their small imperfections:
a crooked front tooth; slanting, shaggy
brows: eyes of slightly different hues
Even Quasimodo would be lovable if
he had the right smell and touch.

Which brings us to another one of
the great imponderables of lile: Why
does one person's smell turn you on
while anothers smell repels? Is it all a
question of. pheromoncs or ol decisions
made in the DNA before our consciou
minds even have a chance to cogi
upon them? Furthermore, why does one
person's touch excite while another's
does not? These things рае mc more
and more as | continue through my life
Surely 1 have chosen my mates capri
ciously or badly, since all my three
riages proved perishable. Or have I chosen
badly? Was it just that 1 chose differ-
ent traveling companions for different
stages of my journey. and because my
writer made that jou

te

complicated, the waveling companions
could not necessarily be permanent
ones? That fairly optimistic explanation

pleases me more than the notion that I
am forever doomed to bad or neurotic
choices.

My first husband w:
at a time i
were of р

5 a fellow student
my life when my studies
umount importance to me.

We read Shakespeare together in bed
nd immersed ourselves in medieval his
tory, 18th Centu nd old

novies We were soul mates at one pe
riod of our lives, but then our souls
changed. My second husband repre
286 semed stability, order and sanity at a

“We were soul mates at one period of our lives, but

ing down into my
unconscious to retrieve my first тел
poems. I needed him to haul me up
when I felt ] was succumbing to the rap-
of the deep, and he fulfilled that
tion well. Once 1 learned how to
do it for myself, his role became more
nd more artifact, and his other defi-
ciencies—his humorlessness, in particu
Jar—became more and more apparent.

My third husband shared with me the
longing for a child (which we had), the
passion to create a life around rea
nd writing novels while rearing а daugh-
ter. For a time, we were also power-
Tul soul mates; but then, too, our needs
(and our souls) changed. Is this failure
or a complex kind of destiny? I prefer
to think of it as the latter. Each of these
choices had its own peculiar logic at the
time it was made. The fact that the un-
m could not doesn't really
nvalidate the choice. Each of the three
marriages had its joys. The third, in
particu ad si years of great hap
piness before the final terrible year of
pain.

Perhaps my life has been more com-
plex because of the blessing/curse of be
coming a celebrated writer, a public
figure, a lady whom the media have some-
mes chosen to see as scandalous; but
п essence, I believe that my fate (and
the stages of development through
which I found it or it found me) has not
been so very different from that of other
women of my generation.

Raised to believe we needed men as
parental figures, we grew up
world in which,
assume burdens our mothers would
thought of masculine": carning a
living, managing money and taxes, not

10 mention shoveling snow and chang
ing tires. We often found ourselves more

capable of nurturing men than of find-
ng men who could nurture us. Raised to
believe ourselves weak (and in need
of male support), we increasingly found
ourselves strong. The men in our lives,
we discovered, often depended on us
nore than we did on them. We started
looking for daddies and often
wound up finding sons. We were ready
to enjoy the deliciousness of that kind
ionship but 8
not come without a price tag a
What eluded us, most often. was
true partners.

1n this hegira from the
dies to the finding оГ sons, I
very much like many women of my time.
n my 20s unfledged in my career, 1

w, too, that it did
tached.

married a father figure; in my 30s, well
established in my c s L felt free to
choose a nerely for his sense of
joy- When that proved to have its ом
problems, 1 hesitated. Perhaps I would
never again find a true partner.

I think it is usual for women in their
20s—especial mbitious, committed
г women—to marry men less for
i nd joie de vivre than for
ining, supportive, daddyli
Having achieved professional
ly, though, we chafe under the commit-
ments we've made to Daddy, and we
want soul mates, beautiful boys, luscious
young men, without regard to whether
or not they can pick up the lunch tab
ember to telephone when they
they will. Some cynics sce this as a
role reversal, women taking the prerog:
i have had for years, but 1 see
a logical development of women's
growing emancipation. For centurie
women had no choice but to sell their
sexuality for social status, Now that we
can cam our own social status, our sex-

or

uality has suddenly become very pre-
cious to us and not a thing to be
bartered.

"Does this mean that women have
their own version of the whorc/ Майоп-
Nancy Friday asked me when
wed that theory with her. “Must
у " I wonder. The
perfect man would surely combine beau-
tiful boy and steady daddy, but—alas—
that combi ely happens in
ife

life i
surance are never much fum in bed,”
my novelist friend Fay Weldon says.

Ah, but one wishes they were! True,
most successful women will opt for joie de
vivre and sex appeal over life
we сап buy our own life
but still, е longterm r
requires reliability as well as a sense
of joy. There are problems with all re-
lationships not based on true equ
sooner or lat п unequal partner
ship has to become equal or break down.
(И. for example, a woman gets involved
with a much younger or much less suc
cessful man, either he 10 grow to
become an adeg te for her or
the relationship will founder.) Some of
the loveliest love scem doomed
from the start, and maybe their savor
comes [rom their essential brevity, but
it К nevertheless easier ags
st with a true partner

.
Where on earth does one find a true
ner? A tough question, since at this
evolutionary stage in the relations be-
tween the sexes, women are often more
enlightened by their lives than society
permits men to be, Still an underclass,
women have all the insights of an under-
class: a self-deprecating sense of humor
that punctures pomposity; a view of the

to make th

“Ah, Wellard—did you remember to give
Suzette her Christmas bonus?”

287

PLAYBOY

288

overclass from the ass up, so to speak:
a social perspective that only an out-
sider may have. All those things force
us to grow.

Men, on the other hand, continue to
constitute an overdass—as proven by
the fact that they do not even consider
themselves a class but merely represent-
atives of humanity. They still tend to
be coddled by women, from their moth-
ers onward, and they are deprived of
the chance to have their pomposities
punctured. Some exceptional men over-
come this but many do not they
merely slip into the grooves society has
prepared for them and go their way in
blinders. Of course they're confused by
female strength and female freedom,
and of course they're vulnerable—more
vulnerable in certain ways than women.
But they have not seen their entire
world turned upside down in this gener
ation. Female sexuality may astound
them, but the society in which they func-
tion is largely ruled by members of their
own sex.

1 do not at all mean to imply that one
gender or the other has gotten a rawer
deal from the sexual and feminist revo-
lutions—incomplete as those two revolu-
tions are. Both sexes have been shaken
to the core, and both sexes are reeling
from the shocks. Whether men or wom-
en suffer more is not the issue. The an-
swer is not even ascertainable, I think.
But, for a variety of reasons, women have
been made to have certain insights into
society largely unavailable to all but the
most empathic, artistic and intelligent
men. It is, therefore, terribly hard for

most women of my generation to find
true partners. Not bed partners nor fun
partners but men who will shoulder
burdens equally with us and also pos
sess that quality of joy that Carly
mon—and 1—50 treasure.

Ah—the dream of the true partner.
He is, after all, the perfect man. Do we
find him? Or do we train him? Do we
grow him in our gardens or import him
from the moon? And if we find him,
will he go mad at 25 or into a depres-
sion at 30 or wind up fucking baby sit-
ters at 40? Can we love him without
coddling him? Can we make demands
on him without being left? Can we find
a balance between giving and taking?
Can we receive as graciously as we give?

Our analysts tell us that the answer
lies within ourselves, that when we are
ready, the perfect man will mysteriously
come along. It all sounds very Pollyan-
nish to me. I have known women who
were ready for years—so ready and so
selfreliant, in fact, that they judged
men by standards of perfection impos-
sible to meet and, eventually, they got
used to being partnerless. They even
discovered that they liked it. The jour-
ney remained, but the traveling com-
panions changed. The true partner had
eluded them for so long that they
stopped seeking him. Perhaps that is
not such a bad solution to life, after
all. As an inveterate and confirmed mar-
ryer (Strait: jacket me and lock me in
a closet" I say to my secretary, “if I
ever announce I'm marrying again!
it surprises me to find myself thinking
along such self-reliant lines. I love men

“OK, but I never heard of anybody
getting frostbite there.”

and can't imagine life without them,
but I also feel that I never again want
to make one man responsible for my
happiness, my identity, my mood chang-
es. I never again want to believe that
I сап write only because I know that my
lover (or husband) is downstairs to give
me a hug when I quit and to say, “What
a paragraph!" or "What a couplet!”
For most of my life, I have used men
as emotional support systems. Strong
and self-reliant to the outside world, I
secretly believed myself incomplete with-
out a partner. Now I am exploring the
notion that completeness comes from
within the self. Maybe only when one
finds real self-reliance can one be a
true partner and thus find a true part-
ner. Or maybe one finds a series of part-
ners, each of them true for a time. Or
maybe it is folly to try to decide any
of these questions in advance. Maybe.
as the proverb goes the journey, not
the arrival, matters. Maybe that is as
true of relationships as of life.

All relationships end eventually, if
only (only!) through death. Finally, we
are alone with ourselves, our own souls,
our own self-reliance. Friends of both
sexes may temper that aloneness for a
time. Children may temper that alone-
ness for a time. But ultimately, our souls
are what we have, and those souls must
be strong enough to go it alone if need
be.

‘The best quote on the perfect man I
received from any of my women friends
came from Nancy Friday, and I give it
here, knowing that it applies equally to
women and men:

“The perfect man sees the best in
you—sees it constantly—not just when
you occasionally are that way but also
when you waver, when you forget your-
self, act like less than you are. In time,
you become more like his vision of you—
which is the person you have always
wanted to be."

"Yes!" 1 say to that; yes, yes, yes! But
even if one is lucky enough to find that
in a man, one must also know that such
faithful mirroring may not last forever.
One must, finally, be one's own best
mirror. One must talk to oncself in the
miror. One must learn to say the sup-
portive, nurturing things the world may
not necessarily be saying.

Oh, how I wish I could find that per-
lect man who always ored the best
in me! Even the queen in Snow White
sought him, with what fatal results we
know. Still, the greatest security and
joy come from finding that vision of
one's best self in oneself. The perfect
man helps one in the process, but finally,
we hope, that v
secure, so unwavering, so nourishing to
the soul that one can be a loving and
gencrous mirror for others, 100.

> your recordings, А.
iking special deck-synchro

m now spare your ears from
less. Han favorite tune. Just push a button
or two, and the turntable will play only the
Cuts you select. And skip right over the
ones you dont.
Of course, be-
fore you know what
order to play them
in, youll want to
know what order
theyre recorded in. And for that, theres
Index Scan, which plays the first ten sec-
onds of each cut.
What makes this tumtable so smart?
A brain.
A tiny microprocessor that works in

©1982 Pioneer Electronics (LSA) Inc, PO Вох 1540, Long Beach. C

System sees to it that
the tape deck is
placed in the pause
mode whenever the
turntable tone arm
lifts off the record.
(Providing that youre smart enough to use
a Pioneer Auto Reverse Tape Deck.)

Of course, the most impressive part
of the new PL88F turntable comes when
you put on your favorite record, sit down
in your favorite spot, relax and do some-
thing you've probably been too busy to do
with your ordinary turntable.

Listen to music.

(2 PIONEER’

Because the music matters.

Al the touch of a button the PLESFS
platter glides out. Drop a record an,
push the button again and the pla
retracts and starts to ply autes-
matically

290

SNAKE EYED

If somebody told you to
check out the lady with
the snake around her
neck, you'd probably
assume the circus had
rolled into town. But it's
just the reptile bow tie
that designer Jan
Michaels has created for
anyone who wants to
shed his conservative
fashion skin. Michaels"
leather bow-tie collection
ranges from the whip-
snake one shown (515,
plus $12.50 for the
matching earrings) to

а black-leather-studded
model ($18) for formal
5/М dinner parties.
Michaels’ address is
Number 16 Dodge, San
Francisco 94102, and
most of her bows have
matching earrings,

cuff links and tie dips.

CARRY ON, BUSINESS TRAVELER

Several years ago, we featured a savvy newsletter called Travel Smart
in Potpourri contained intelligent, pleasure-oriented travel tips.
Now Со ications House, Travel Smart's publisher іп Dobbs
Ferry, New York 10522, has introduced Travel Smart for Business, a
monthly newsletter for cost-conscious executives who want to keep
abreast of air discounts, hotel bargains, new restaurants, etc., that
pertain to the business community—all for $96 a year. A recent issue,
for example, reveals “One of NYC's Deepest Secrets: A Good $28
Hotel Room,” tells you where to sell or buy airline coupons and clues
you in on Amtrak's Northeast train routes. How can you stay home?

PLAYBOY POTPOURRI

people, places, objects and events of interest or amusement

LATEST BEAR FACT
Remember Sebastian Flyte, the tipsy
young aristocrat in Brideshead Revisited?
When he wasn’t communing with spirits,
Sebastian spent most of his time with
Aloysius, his true-blue-blooded Teddy.
Brideshead may have gone on to TV
reruns, but Aloysius is still around, as the
North American Bear Company, 645
North Michigan Avenue, Chicago 60611,
has just come out with а 20"-tall like-

ness of him for $39.50, postpaid.
Unlike his owner, he’s plush, not a lush.

INSTANT LIQUIDITY

Cross-country skiers, joggers, hikers,
marathon enthusiasts and other sports
participants who need fluid intake during
physical exertion will wish to strap on
Aquarius, a lightweight one-liter sack that
delivers a spray or a mist with each
squeeze of its trigger. Plasmetics, Inc., 46
Old Camplain Road, Somerville, New
Jersey 08876, sells the Aquarius for only
$31.25, postpaid. Wear it suspended or
backpack style—and. no, we don't
recommend that you fill it with cold gin.

THE ORIGINAL РОР ТОР

COVER STORY According to legend, the giant jack-in-the-box
magically provides inspiration for gentlemen of
waning years and is a tool of imagination to
lasses of all ages. Front Porch Toys, a cottage
industry at Р.О. Box 4938, Portland, Oregon
97208, custom crafts 13"-tall giant jacks in oak
ог koawood boxes for 5165, postpaid. And ıhe
0 post

а 2) price includes your choice of sleeve color and
that that won't happen to facial expression. Each is more a work of art
815 E ДЫ EJ Шап a toy, s pop the top and
the World, a 384-page collec- be you A lei
tion of about 500 magazine ao # есу
|

АП too often, an art book
gets a quick once-over and is
then given shelf space,
never to be seen again. But
well ber your issues of
Captain Billy's Whizz Bang

covers from the Illustrated
London News of 1888 to
recent PLAYBOY Creations.
Great Magazine Covers is at
bookstores, or send 568 to
Abbeville Press, 505 Park
Avenue, New York 10022.

NOT JUST ANOTHER
PRETTY SKI FACE

At first glance, а semirigid foam
Ski Face attached to your skis
seems nothing more than a
wacky way to get a few laughs
in the lodge. But according

to the manufacturer—Ski Faces,
Inc., 2888 Bluff Street, Boul-
der, Colorado 80301—it also
helps prevent you from crossing
your tips and act as a vibra-
tion-dampening device. There
are six Ski Faces to choose
from: the Snow Skier shown,
Snow Dog (a hot dog in a
snow bun), Snow Shark, Snow
Snake, Snow Bunny and Snow
Face. The price of any pair is
$21.95, postpaid. Snow for itl

CLUED INTO CLUES

A crackling бте, a robe and slippers and a
copy of Clues: A Journal of Detection,

and whodunit fans will be settled down for a
long winter night's reading. The magazine,
which comes out semi-annually at 510 a year, is
just one of the mystery and spy publications
from Popular Press, Bowling Green University,
Bowling Green, Ohio 43403, whose list in-
cludes The Detective Novel in Britain —1914—
FRENCH PIPS 1940 ($14.50) and Ten Women of Mystery
AND SQUEAKS ($22.50). Ten! You should be so lucky!

"Тһе next time you sit down
to a friendly Saturday-night
poker game, pull out a

pack of French Nudes play-
ing cards and see if any-
body complains about your
stacking the deck. On the
face of each card is a sepia-
toned reproduction of a
saucy turn-of-the-century
French fille. A deck of 54
cards will set you back only
$4.75, postpaid, sent to
Thurston Moore Country,
P.O. Box 1829, Montrose,
Colorado 81402. OK, Har-
ry, well raise you two
nipples on that big pair.

PLAYBOY

Women, of Playboy

(continued from page 145)

“A sign on a bathroom door in Editorial confirms
Phyllis Schlafly’s worst fears: MEN AND/OR WOMEN.”

802. Predictably, they are not cut from
the same cloth. One of them studies
Latin—as a hobby. Another is currently
shopping fora Honda Super Hawk. Then
there's the receptionist who likes drag
racing. Trying to characterize these
people makes one appreciate the prob-
lems Marco Polo faced describing the
wonders of the Orient.

Working for Playboy is probably not
something a woman—unlike some of the
men here—decides to do early on.
(Art Director Tom Staebler, for exam.
ple, revealed in his high school yearbook
that he planned to become Art Director
of PLAYBOY.) Those women who do come
aboard tend to have traits in common:
tolerance, individualism and liberalism.

"Here's a company that sticks its neck
out publicly. It stands for something
besides its latest budget figures," said
Associate Editor Kate Nolan, who admit-
ted that she admires PLAYBOY for making
no bones about its appreciation of
beautiful women and its endorsement of
recreational sex, knowing that at the
same time, it supports abortion rights,
Planned Parenthood and the Equal
Rights Amendment. "When I was in
high school in the Sixties, it was still
considered naughty for the boys to read
PLAYBOY—and positively daring for the
girls. I'm sure it never occurred to me

then that any women worked here.”

Nolan may be speaking for many, but
it’s a fact that a female Photo Editor
supervises almost all Playmate photog-
тарһу; that the text accompanying all
nude pictorials is edited by a woman;
that one of the Clubs’ Vice-Presidents is
a woman; and that our Copy and Car-
toon editors are female. In recent years,
women, in escalating numbers, have
leaped into significant roles at the maga-
zine, the Clubs and, now, Playboy's
video world. There are still men here to
tidy up things a bit, make coffee, run the
day-care center, but there's a woman's
touch in nearly every Playboy product.
In fact, a woman wrote this text.

Of course, there have been women
behind Playboy's scenes from the begin-
ning, albeit not always in top manage-
ment. Playboy was always a place where
a woman could work her way up. You'll
recall that its founding year, 1958, was
not exactly a boom time for career wom-
en. The domestically inclined Mamie
Eisenhower was one of the most admired
women in America, and men just back
from Korea were making the workplace
a little crowded. The few women who
worked did not have great expectations.

Cut to a party on the North Side of
Chicago. Among those present is young
Hugh Heiner, who operates a new maga-
zine on a shoestring, having moved from

the kitchen table to a modest office across
trom Holy Name Cathedral. Another
guest is Patricia Papangelis, an associate
editor at Art Photography magazine who
knows something about publishing.
What Hefner needs, though, is a secre-
tary. He offers her a job. She says no, but
a few weeks later, intrigued by the maga-
rine’s potential, she gives Hel a call and
takes the job as his private secretary.
Her duties include all the usual secre-
tarial chores, plus proofreading and
pasting up ads. Soon she’s promoted to
Editorial Assistant. (Others who worked
their way up from secretarial jobs: Car-
toon Editor Michelle Urry, West Coast
Photo Editor Marilyn Grabowski, Associ-
ate Photo Editor Janice Moses.)

Papangelis was among the first ten
employees hired, and she's been here
most of the time since, in a variety of
posts. As she sees it, “Playboy has pos-
itively provided on-the-job training. I
was able to better my position in a
relatively short period of time. The fact
that women stay here for many years is
an indication of that kind of good treat-
ment. Hef has always recognized indi-
vidual rights, and those rights extend to
women as well as to men.”

When Papangelis decided to have a
family, she was able to leave her job and
return to work part time for ten years.
Now her job title is Senior Editor (Ad-

inistration). She's a boss.

n, women here are
treated as well as or better than in any
other employment situation I've heard
of. We're treated like adults; there are
Hexible hours and no dress codes,"
Papangelis pointed out.

"Its a firstname company," Senior
Editor Gretchen McNeese noted, “from
Christie on down. There are по Mr.s or
Ms. Executive Secretary Trish Miller
observed that plenty of work gets done
but that "people work smart as opposed
to hard.” In other words, there’s not a
lot of wheel spinning and tail dragging.

When Playboy's women describe the
workplace, there’s an easy good humor.
They say it's casual, pressure-free, com-
fortable. A sign on a bathroom door in
Editorial confirms Phyllis Schlafly's worst
fears: MEN AND/OR WOMEN.

Perhaps it's just as well that Playboy's
women do have a sense of humor. It
scems to be expected of them. When they
look out the windows of Chicago's
Playboy Building, they may see male
guests in the adjacent Westin and Drake
hotels waving to attract their attention.
Occasionally, the most enthusiastic fans
write their room numbers in soap on
the windows. One woman of Playboy
felt that such enthusiasm deserved a cele-
bration. She called the hotel's room
service and ordered a bottle of Dom
Pérignon for that room.

It's true that working for a world-
famous corporation brings some advan-
tages and some disadvantages. There's

ь "Щщ ~
LIGHTS. 8 ñg. "tar", 0.7 mg, nicotine ay, рег
FILTERS: 15 mgar I mg. nicotine av,

garene, FIC Report DEC. ‘81,
cigarette by FTC method.

a
mA c Фе?

— L
Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined Experience the Е
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health. Camel taste in Lights and Filters.

PLAYBOY

294

something about Playboy. We doubt that
IBM's workers are regularly quizzed
about their president or their board
chairman or even about what's new in Se-
lectrics. But for those who work here, life
sometimes becomes an E. F. Hutton ad:
When a Playboy woman speaks, people
listen. A secretary claims that one of her
friends won't go to parties with her be-
cause, sooner or later, the guests congre-
gate around her to talk about Playboy.
Rights and Permissions Manager Pau-
Jette Gaudet told a woman sitting next
to her on a plane where she worked and
the woman asked for her autograph. An-
other worker remembers attending a tele-
thon and being tapped as a celebrity
host, her celebrity status being based on
her working for Playboy.

When Trish Miller posed for this pic-
torial in front of Chicago's Buckingham
Fountain, a crowd gathered and she
had to sign dozens of autographs before
she could escape.

No wonder people like to work here.

In the midst of the merriment, how-
ever, an occasional sidewalk fundamen-
talist will invite an employee to confess
her Satanism before heading for the
office in the morning. But there are some

things a Playboy woman won't do be-
fore her first cup of coffee.

There has been serious media interest
in feminist cri im of PLAYBOY; we
asked women here whether it is some-
times rough on their private lives to
work in the ostensible bely of the
beast. Publicist Schwabe remembers a
сї class at which another dancer
sidled up to the bar and asked, "What's
it like to work for a azine that makes
men rape women?" Joanie politely in-
formed the budding ballerina that she
didn't know, not having worked for such
a magazine.

"In the beginning. a few of my fem-
inist friends accused me of betraying
my sisters" said Associate New York
Editor Susan Margolis-Winter about her
fist few months on the job. “They
thought PLAYBOY nudity was demeaning.
I told them that if I thought so, I
wouldn't work here. Taking your clothes
off doesn't mean surrender—it can be
a sign of strength. I admire a woman
with the balls to bare her breasts.”

Fiction Editor Alice Turner's excite-
ment at being hired by PLAvsov nearly
three years ago was slightly tempered
by apprehension that the members of
her professional women's media group.

"IL am the Ghost of Christmas Past. How come nobody
bobs for apples anymore?”

especially her Ms-magazine friends,
wouldn't approve. When she told them,
however, the universal reaction was
"Good for you.”

"Everybody knew it was a good job
Turner. "rLAvmov has a reputation
in publishing as being a good place to
work. I know firsthand.
Vhen I'm speaking publicly, I'm
sometimes asked the stock question:
How can you. as a woman, work for a
azine that has made millions of dol-
lars exploiting wor I insist on an-
swering. I explain that before I took this
job. I did some research. I obtained a
stack of all the men's magazines and I
read them. Many offended me, but
PLAYBOY didn't. I tell the critic to do
the same thing, and if he or she still
thinks after that that PLAYBOY exploits
women, then ГИ listen to that opinion.
The problem is that most critics haven't
even looked at the magazine. I have
loyalty and affection for eLAvBov, but
Т wy never to be defensive.”

"Delensive? Are you kidding?" asked
а receptionist. "It's gotten to where
I don't like to tell people where I work,
because they're foo interested. I'm so
tired of answering all the questions:
Are you a Bunny? Have you ever been in
the magazine? Can you get me a sub-
scription? How's Christie? How's Hef—
or Hugh, as the real nerds say. I tell
people I'm a supermarket checker or that
1 work in a medical library. Once, I told
someone on an airplane that I worked
for Bell Telephone, but that t
work, because the guy gave me a rant
against Ma Bell for half of the flight.”

A secretary says that she always tells
the truth but she figures, “Give the
people what they want,” so she embroid-
ers her tales with a cross-stitch of War-
ren Beatty, a snippet of a famous rock
group and a bald reference or two to a
fine meal that she’s had at Ma Mai:
Sometimes it’s not easy being a celebrity.

One woman remembers experic
one of the clicks—those little epiphanies
that alert a woman to latent s
that author Jane O'Reilly once described.
She was zipping through traffic and was
stopped by a traffic cop. Automatically,
ched for ше of PLAYBOY
with the hope of avoiding an ugly con-
frontation by presenting it to the patrol-
man. Who should saunter up to the
window but a policewoman? I'm doomed,
she thought,

she r

her new i

for having made it in what was once a

man's world,

SEX STARS „г

Tom Selleck. Who else is as hot as Reynolds
these days?

Although yaguely familiar from the
Salem billboards, Selleck was virtually
unknown until his debut in the CBS
television series Magnum, P.I.—which
started slowly, then suddenly exploded
him into a heartthrob. Because of
Magnum commitments, he had to turn
down the fateful role in Raiders of the
Lost Ark that subsequently went to Har-
rison Ford, but he may regain that lost
ground with a similar part as an adven-
turous World War One pilot in the
upcoming feature High Road to China.

Selleck has since 1979 been separated
from but civil to his wife of ten years,
actress model Jacquelyn Ray. Otherwise, he
contends he's too busy for romance,
though he’s been extrafriendly with
Divorce Wars: A Love Story co-star Mimi
Rogers, who herself is a good pal of pretty
Kirstie Alley (the Vulcan newcomer in Star
Trek П: The Wrath of Khan) and who
will soon star in Blue Skies Again with
Harry Hamlin, previously mentioned as
the young father of Ursula Andress’
child. One does need a program to keep
up.

Pinis year, as usual, one or two TV
stars came to believe they were irreplace-
able. For the past few seasons, these had
been beauteous blondes; in 1982, though,
it was John Schneider and Tom Wopat who
thought a series, The Dukes of Hazzard,
couldn't hit the road without them.
When they were quickly replaced by two
other hunks, Byron Cherry and Christopher
Mayer, onlookers said it merely proved
that the real star of the show was the car.

Box-office indifference to Making Love,
Partners and Personal Best, three films
that tried to take gays seriously, probably
dealt a death blow to additional such
efforts in the near future; most of the
stars involved, however, emerged rela-
tively unscathed. Kate Jackson, Michael
Ontkean and Harry Hamlin received gen-
erally good notices in Making Love, as
did Meriel He way in Personal Best.
(After a nice pictorial and cover for the
April ғілувох, Hemingway, coinciden-
tally, went on to take the title role in
Star 80, Bob Fosse's upcoming bio film
about the late Playmate of the Year
Dorothy Stratten.) Less charitable was the
reaction to Partners’ John Hurt and Ryan
O'Neal. O'Neal seems particularly snake-
bitten these days, flopping also with So
Fine and Green Ice.

Seriously heterosexual pictures fared
little better, especially for those trying
for a big break. Slinky Morgan Fairchild,
a hit on Flamingo Road, couldn't get
temperatures rising in The Seduction,
even with a steamy hot-tub sequence. In
Vice Squad, Season Hubley struck out
again in a role close to the one that
didn't work for her in Hard Core.

Foreign stars can usually be counted

upon to be sexy any time they show up
onscreen. Sultry Sonia Braga had a hit
here with Г Love You and is expected
back soon, with Marcello Mastroianni, in
Gabriela. American audiences, however,
are still waiting to see Sylvia Kristel in
Lady Chaiterley’s Lover and аге won-
dering И they'll ever be introduced to
Clie Goldsmith and her sexy performance
as a retirement present in The Gift.
Lovely Laura Antonelli was busy in ltaly
but lost the leading man in Passione
d'Amore, her only memorable vehicle to
make the Atlantic crossing this year.

Rugged Rutger Hauer added a European
flavor to Blade Runner—again, as in
Nighthawks, playing a smolderingly sexy
villain—then went on to film Eureka and
The Osterman Weekend. Mel Gibson
looked terrific in black leather in The
Road Warrior, establishing himself as an
Australian sex star, though he's really
an American.

Overall, sex paid off best when played
for laughs. Low-budget Porky's grossed
more than $125,000,000 with sheer
raunch, though none of its boys emerged
as an individual star. The Beach Girls,
featuring Playmate Jeana Tomasina, who
tinkered with the spelling of her name
for screen credit purposes, was a throw-
back to harmless nude high-jinks that
grossed big. Humor even helped Julie An-
drews, Lesley Ann Warren, James Garner
and Robert Preston make a success of a gay
theme in Victor / Victoria.

Somewhere in between, Richard Gere
and Debra Winger clicked in An Officer
and a Gentleman, with Winger riding
Gere as well as she handled the bull in
Urban Cowboy. That, however, was one
of Officer's few sexually explicit scenes,
mixed in with lots of talk and exercise.
Oddest of all, given its title, was Woody
Allen’s long-awaited 4 Midsummer
Night's Sex Comedy. Charming in many
ways, the picture wasn't all that funny—
and certainly not sexy except for the
sheer attraction of Julie Hagerty, who will
soon be reprising her wacky, wanton
stewardess in Airplane И: The Sequel.
Woody did get a romance going with Mia
Ferrow, and people remarked how much
in Midsummer she had adopted the
mannerisms of Diane Keaton, another Al-
len amour before she took up with Warren
Beatty.

On balance, the big stars had a rough
year. Although he won a directing Oscar
for Reds, the film didn't take off as
Beatty had hoped it would. Jack Nicholson
got lost on The Border, while Richard
Dreyfuss, in Whose Life Is It Anyway?.
found that nobody really cared. Robin
Williams still couldn't break away from
Mork in The World According to Garp,
and The Fonz still seemed to haunt
Henry Winkler in Night Shift, though
the picture did relatively well. Jackie

The Smallest Electric
Railway In The World.

(1:220 scale)

© Authentic Replicas
Produced in West Germany
—each Märklin Mini-
Club set is precision
crafted by the
world's oldest and
largest model rail-
Toad manufacturer.

* Fully Operational
Each Mini-Club set is
a fully operational
model railroad
system that can be
built almost anywhere
from an attache case
to a desk-top—just
unpack and set up.

* Lifetime Of Enjoy-
ment This $385 set
is just a starter The
Märklin system in-
cludes a wide selec-
tion of locomotives.
Cars and accessories.
that wil providea
lifetime of enjoyment
for beginners and
railroad enthu-

siasts of all ages.

=

Each set includes: locomotive and 4 cars 31 sections of
Da and pear rors dency e

rt с

Ra Min Cub system. 9e cobr dene

CALL toll free 1-800-334-0854 ext. B73 every
day including Sunday. 24 hours а day, or complete
and mail the coupon below.

22

EG Communications, Inc.
60 East 42nd t. NY. NY 10165

Please RUSH __Marklin Mini-Club Starter
Sets (via UPS prepaid) @ $385.00 ea. to:

Name.
— СЕ жесе ee
— و‎
TOTAL $.
visas.
MASTERCARD#.

exp. date.
ос check payable to: EG Communications, Inc.
NY State residents add appropriate Sales Tax —

RUSH a complete Márkin Catalog at $6.00 ea.

GUARANTEE: If not completely satisfied, retum in 30
cays for full refund, 5

1

|

I

|

|

Е |
‚charge my account |
|

|

І

І

І

295

PLAYBOY

Bisset and Condice Bergen went bust with
Rich and Famous, while Si Martin
flopped with Bernadette Peters in Pennies
from Heaven and again with Rachel
Ward in Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid
(though Ward picked up good notices;
she's definitely a comer waiting for the
right role). In real life, however, Mar-
tin and Peters were, for a time, a hot
duo—as were Gilda Radner and Gene Wilder,
who had lots to cry about together over
the fate of Hanky Panky.

On the other hand, Sylvester Stallone
can't lose when he plays Rocky. and
Clint Eastwood can't lose when he plays
Clint Eastwood, as he did in Firefox. Say
the same, too, for rd Pryor, who scored
a double smash with Some Kind of Hero
and Richard Pryor Live on the Sunset
Strip. Not surprisingly, sex was a big part
of Pryor's concert film—at least verbally,
Even when discussing his near-fatal
brush with fire, Pryor drew howls ex-
plaining how the lower half of his body
had fought to keep the flames away.

Speaking of stages, it got pretty steamy
up there under the bright lights this
year. Broadway went bonkers over
bawdy Anita Morris, whose A Call from
the Vatican number was a show—and
heart—stopper in Nine. Clad in a see-

4 77
ad. en
P S
3 19

through net outfit, Morris moaned and
groaned, caressed her breasts and clawed
the floor. Although Nine went on to
several Tonys, CBS would not let Anita
perform on the awards show, contend-
ing that she was too orgasmic for the
home audience.

The Great White Way was а wel-
come haven, too, for another of our
favorite sex stars, Raquel Welch. When her
film career hit a dead end—at least for
the time being—Welch went live and
wowed New York audiences in Woman
of Ihe Year. Across the country in LA.,
Gregory Harrison was causing the matinee
ladies to swoon when he removed his
shirt іп The Hasty Heart, showing the
form that had made him popular as a
male stripper in TV's For Ladies Only
and as a regular оп Trapper John, M.D.
ight and day, however, if you were
looking for sex, you dialed in the soaps,
where there were tubfuls of it. Given
their limitations on showing sex, the
soaps’ creators are sheer geniuses when
it comes to talking about it. The big
event of the age, it seems, was the mar-
riage of Luke and Laura on General
Hospital. After that, the show began to
sink, and the bride, Genie Francis, de-
parted, while the groom, Топу Geary,

ТІР it

N
E

“So I'm about halfway down some sooty chimney

in Council Blu,

s, Iowa, when I suddenly say to myself,
Who needs this shit? ”

could be found playing the Playboy
Hotel and по in Atlantic City,
wearing purple tap shoes and doing
dirty dances with the Smut Queens.
Rocker Rick Springfield's steady appearance
eneral Hospital helped revive his
g singing career, and even lofty
not above a guest shot.
intense dedication, it's im-
possible to follow all the plot turns on
the daytime serials. It's no easier to fol-
low the private lives of their stars. To
take just one example, sweet Cynthia Gibb,
who plays Suzi on Search for Tomorrow,
was going steady with The Blue Lagoon's
Christopher Atkins, who subsequently
took up with Gibb's good friend Lori
laughlin, from The Edge of Night. Over
on Another World, Christopher Marcantel
was romancing one 16-year-old oncamera
and seeing another 16-year-old offcamera.
And Guiding Light's John Wesley Shipp
makes video love all day to one cast
member, Jennifer Cooke, then goes home at
night with another, Marsha Clerk Stay
tuned.

Nothing on the soaps, though, could
have come as a bigger shock than the
real-life split of John Denver and his Ani
10 whom he's been writing and singing
love songs [or 15 years of marriage. She
blamed his heavy travel schedule, and
friends were hopeful that he would

n find his way home to Aspen.
But enough heartbreak already. Let's
move on to something exciting, like
Heather Thomas’ nonbody in Zapped!,
whose main plot centers on Scott Baio's
ability to undress Thomas (and others)
with his mental powers. It seems that
Thomas has a budding TV career going
as Lee Majors sidekick on The Fall
Guy, so, fearful of offending potential
sponsors, she refused to do the film's
nude scenes, Whereupon the producers
substituted a double, with a disdaimer
buried deep in the credits at the end.
Like any good working stiff, Heather

Without

Speaking of bodies, there was also the
starlet who complained that Bo was
using hers. Now, surely, you didn't
think we were going to get all the way
through Sex Stars of 1982 without at
least mentioning Bo Derek? Suzanne Somers
we might forget, but never Bo, though
she ly hidden, perhaps
wor! te her long-planned
pirate picture. At any rate, one Susanne
Severeid grabbed headlines briefly by
ng to be the body beneath Bo's
face in those Tarzan, the Ape Man bill.
rds. She ultimately backed down,
ving she couldn't be sure.

Which just goes to show how odd life
Bets among the sex stars in. Hollywood.
Certainly. if I ever thought 1 had Во
Derek's body, I wouldn't forget it so

quickly.

an 111 С!
ADU Е (continued from page 148)

There's a lot of other things that aren't anywhere

near as weird that can be done... .

2»

they don't get divorced, hu

"She says," Christopher said, "she says
my father only does it once a year. But
he always does it once a year. At Christ-
mas. She says she only wishes he would
do it on Halloween or something, so it
wouldn't ruin Christmas for everybody
else. But he won't. She says if that's the
worst she has to put up with, she is
probably pretty lucky, because she
knows а lot of women that have to
stand for a lot more'n that. My father
never gets drunk, except at Christmas.
He has one or two beers and he stops.
He just doesn't drink very much. Ex-
cept Christmas. Then he gets stiff. She
says maybe that's the only way she can
get him into church that day, because
he's in the bag and he doesn't know
where she's taking him. He sure stinks,
though. He walks all right, except for
that year when he sprained his ankle
and he couldn't walk at all, and he
keeps his mouth shut so you don't no
tice he can't talk very good, but I guess
everybody else in the church when he

goes on Christmas must be loaded, too,
or else they would smell him and know
he was plastered. If he is sober, except
at Easter, he won't go. Because of the
money thing. ‘You ever see one of those
bastards give away money to somebody
else?’ he says. ‘No, you never did.“

"I don't know," Luke said.

“I do," Christopher said. "Everybody
stinks. They're all doing something. My
father says that you can't ever rule апу:
thing out and say that there's no way
that anybody can do a certain thing,
because somewhere there is some ass-
hole that can do it, look up his own
asshole or something. I wouldn't want
to, but maybe there's somebody that can
and does want to. They're all assholes.
I don't know. My father says we mostly
hang around with normal people that
do normal things and we get to think-
ing that’s the only kind of people there
is. Like the monster shows at the carni.
vals, you know? The guys that got skin
like alligators and the woman that weighs
nine hundred pounds, that everybody
says they got to be fakes? What if they

aren't? What if there really is a boy
that was raised by wild dogs and now
he grows up and gets killed chasing
cars? My father says that. He told mc,"
Christopher said, "he told me one night
when he finally got around to making
sure I knew the facts of life and every-
thing. when he was in the Service he
went in а bar опе night and they had
a woman in there that could smoke cig-
arettes with her cunt. I couldn't fuck-
ing believe it, my father said. See, my
father and I can swear when my mother
and the other kids aren’t around. ‘If
somebody told me there was a woman
that could do that, I would've said he
was crazy. But I saw it. She was stand-
ing up there with no clothes on, and
she was puffing away to beat the band.’ "

“I don't believe it,” Luke said.

"See?" Christopher said. “That's ex-
acıly what he was saying. He said if he
didn't see it done with his own eyes,
he would not believe it, either, and he
didn't expect me to really believe it un
til I saw it for myself sometime. But he
said it can be done, because he's seen
it, and he bets there's a lot of other
things that aren't anywhere near as
weird that can be done, except we don't
believe they can be done because we
haven't ever seen them.

"My father," Christopher said, "he
worked with a guy once that was a
draftsman on projects and stuff, you

S ure, you've heard good car
stereo. Maybe you think

you've even heard great car stereo.
Now hear this: Sanyo's all-new
POWER PLUS™ series. The only car
Systems on the market to combine
Dolby's* amazing new “C-type”
noise reduction with high-power,
low-distortion amplifiers.
The Dolby makes cassette
noise disappear without sacrific-
ing highs, and the extra power
lup to I5 watts per channel
with 0.396 total harmonic dis-
tortion) lets the music come
through loud and clear, without a
trace of audible distortion
There's an affordable POWER
PLUS model to fit your car, plus a
great selection of cther Sanyo car
Stereos starting at under 545
[suggested retail]. So if you think
you know what great auto sound
is all about... now hear this.

"IM Dolby Laboratories

TSAN YO

Car Stereo

©1982 Sanyo Electric Inc. Compion. СА

PLAYBOY

- know? I actually met the guy. I was
2 PON "un H X little, so I don't remember him so good,
Gilbeys idea of 4 gin and tonic: ШЫ шнш me dowa de ое
2 ^o fice one Saturday when we were going
Taste the gin, too. te же ше Brine and he hadda drop
some stuff off that he was working on at
home because he hadda go to New York
on Monday and they needed the work
he was doing for while he was gone.
And this guy was in there. Name was
Harold. I remember he wore glasses.
And one day the cops come and ar-
rested him.

„That was another one I couldn't
believe,’ my father said. ‘Harold was
one of the best draftsmen we ever had
working for us. He was steady, never
missed a day of work. He was accurate.
He was patient—if he did something
and the contractor didn't like it or else
the contractor made some changes in
the project but he never bothered to tell
us, Harold would work late and come
in weekends and never complain a bit.
Lived with his mother. I thought he
went home every night and cooked din-
ner for the two of them. She was an in-
valid, I guess, and that was another
thing about Harold—he never told any-
body else about his troubles. But he had
some, I guess"

"When the cops came, they said he
was a pervert. He was writing dirty let-
ters to the high school girls and signing

Tre ray Boe wi Ie daona te ar ade regeres in US Paler cenar ON his own name to them. And then they
rot Wom Gras Neutra Spats W А Ge зо Darty Nan Ost Produce Co NYC took him back to his house and they

found out he was keeping carbon copies
of them. And he told them he couldn't
understand none the young girls ever
answered him. He really didn't under-

Stirrup a little excit ee
his dresses. After his mother went to

hi E H <h| L май | | sleep at night, he would put on a dress

give him English Lea er. е

a tree. But һе said he gave that up on
| account һе got poison oak doing it.

"So the cops,” Christopher said, “told
him he hadda cut it out, sending those
letters. They said he could write them if
he wanted, but no sending them. And
he could fuck trees if he wanted. But
if he started mailing those letters again,
they were gonna tell his mother on him.
My father said that worked pretty good
for about four years, but then Harold
started mailing the letters again and
they hadda put him away for a while
and let the doctors try to talk him out
of it.”

“Jesus,” Luke said.

“Well,” Christopher said, “that's
what I mean.”

The two boys sat silently in the
shaded heat. After a while, Luke said,

Let someone else bore him with а pair of slippers ога 3 “Did something happen?”

a ӨГӨ, E — Christopher said, "Yes Mr. Kenney
eee zth таба e a НЕ В

balls. I don’t want to grow up. Not

ever.”

з
E
$
=
=
H
H
$
8
8
5
=

WirH ENOUGH SHOVELS

(continued from page 228)

“The dirt really is the thing that protects you from

the blast. ... You know, dirt is just great stuff.

222

И his evacuation and sheltering plans
were absurd for the U.S, how, then,
could any observer take the Soviet civil-
defense program seriously? And if the
Soviets were not capable of protecting
their society
dear war, how could anyone genuinely
believe that they were planning to fight
and win such a war?

1 had first interviewed Т.К. at his
Pentagon office in the fall of 1981. 1
was interested in his vie because of
his extensive testimony five years earlier
before Congressional committees and be-
cause of articles he had written on the
need for civil defense and the possibilities
for surviving nuclcar war.

The interview took place in an office
hung with pictures of the atomic devas
lation of Japan. Jones. as in his barely
reported Congressional testimony, was
reassured by the familiar scenes of de
struction and pointed to the few surviv
ing structures in an otherwise barren

and recovering from a nu-

silience of the Japanese, noting
30 days after the blast, there were
people in there salvaging the rubble, re-
building their houses.” Jones acknowl-
edged that modern nuclear strategic
weapons hundreds of times
powerful than the devices exploded in
Japan and that a large U.S. city would
receive not one but perhaps more than a
dozen incoming warheads. Yet he in-
sisted that the survival of more than 90
percent of our people was possible.

I asked Jones about the Administra-
tion's vision for civil defense for Los An-
geles in the Eighties: "To dramatize it
for the reader, the bomb has dropped [in
Los Angeles]
two-mile area, he's finished, right? If he's
not in the two-mile area, what has hap-
pened?”

Jones replied, “His house is gone, he’s
there, wherever he dug that hole. . . .
You've got to be in a hole. . . . The dirt
really is the thing that protects you from
the blast, as well as the radiation, if there's

are more

Чом, if he's within that

He told me that he had been deeply
impressed with what he claimed was the
Soviet plan to evacuate the cities and
protect the urban population in hastily
constructed shelters in the countryside.
He also referred to his studies at Boeing
to show that the Soviet method of piling
dirt around factory machines would per-
mit their survival even if nuclear bombs
fell close by.

These studies, he explained, were not
universally admired. Some critics, for ex-
ample, did not share his enthusiasm for
the Soviet civikdefense program апа
scoffed at the prospect of millions of
Soviet citizens’ digging holes during the
freezing winter in order to cover them
selves and their machinery.

The day after the interview, I saw At
torney General William French Smith
and his entourage. It was a reassuring
sight—they all looked so solidly adult,
sober, respectable; surely, they had too
much going for them to accept the pros
pect of giving it all up for a hole in the
ground or even for one of the fancy but
ultimately no more effective Govern
ment blast shelters. And just as surely,
Reagan and George Bush were solid and
responsible. Or were they? How much, I
wondered, did the views of men such as
Jones reflect the thinking of our new
heads of state? Had they all gone mad

wasteland of rubble to support his anal-
ysis that, indeed, there are defenses
against nuclear war. He praised the re-

in their obsessive fear of the Russians?
Or was Jones an. aberration, a solitary

radiation. It protects you from the heat.
You know, dirt is just great stuff. . .

re you one of those
people who think you

have to spend days combing
the stores for a great audio
system value?
Now hear this: Sanyo has
engineered a collection of
complete component systems
that sound like you spent hun-
dreds of dollars more than their
modest prices.
Performance matching makes
the difference: each component—
amplifier, tuner, tumtable, cassette
deck, and speaker —is designed
to complement every other com-
ponent in performance as well as
Styling. And everything you need is
included, right down to the hand-
some rack-style enclosures.
You can choose from complete
Sanyo systems starting at under
5400 [suggested retail]. So if
you thought shopping for a stereo
had to be a frustrating, time-con-
suming chore ...now hear this.

Audio Systems

© 1902 Sanyo Неси Inc, Compton. СА

PLAYBOY

eccentric who had somehow found his
way into the Pentagon?

REAGAN AND BUSH

Reflecting on Jones's startling remarks,
I thought back to the time in January
1980 when I had interviewed Presidential

candidate Bush aboard a small chartered
plane сп route from Houston to New
Orleans. Bush was then scen as a mod-

erate sort of Republican а tive to
Carter, and it was for this reason that
what he told me startled me so, though
at first, I barely caught its implications.
The question that had provoked
Bush’s reply derived from the conven-
tional wisdom of the previous 20 years
that there was a

imit to how many nu-
clear weapons the superpowers should
stockpile, because, after a point, the two

sides would simply wipe each other out,
and any extra firepower represented
overkill. This had been the assumption
ever since former Defense Secretary Rob-
ert McNamara had conceived the mutual-
assured-destruction policy. But Bush had
faulted Carter for not being quick enough
to build the MX missile and the В-1
bomber, and I asked, "Don't we reach
a point with these strategic weapons

A BROOD OF NUCLEAR HAWKS

Ronald
Reogen.

of the U.S.

“Could we survive a nuclear war? It
would be a survival of some of your
people and some of your facilities,

but you could start again.”

Т. К. Jones,

Deputy
Secretary
of Defense

"We need more than counterforce. 1

think the Soviets ате developing a

nuclear-war-fighting capability, and
we are going to have to do the same.

Richard
Pipes,

top
Presidential
advisor

+” “The [nuclear] contest between the
superpowers is increasingly turning into

larms-control

George
Bush.

Vice-
President
of the U.S.

nuclear superiority

Deputy
Under-
secretary

negoti

“The dirt is the thing that protects

you from the blast and radiation. . . . If

there are enough shovels to go around,
everybody's going to make it.”

Eugene V.
Rostow,

Richar

chief

of Defense

“We are living in a prewar
and not a postwar world.”

a qualitative race whose outcome can и

yield meaningful superiority.”

“If you believe there's no such thing
as a nuclear winner, the argument [that

is meaningless]

makes sense. 1 don't believe that.”

Paul Nitze,
larms-control

liator

"The Kremlin leaders uant to achieve
military victory in a [nuclear] war
while assuring the survival, endur-

ance and core of their party.”

а М.

Репе,
Assistant
Secretary

“1 worry less about what would happen in

а nuclear exchange than about the effect

һе nuclear balance has on our willingness
to take risks in local situations.”

| OfClass.

1081 FABERGE, INC. pl 5
СМЕ HER А DAZZLING FRAGRANCE BY FABERGE. | "norte. 4
j

PLAYBOY

where we can wipe each other out so
many times and no one wants to use
them or is willing to use them, that it
really doesn't matter whether we're ten
percent or two percent lower or higher?"

Bush bristled a and replied, “Yes,
if you believe there is no such thing as
a winner in a nuclear exchange, that ar-
gument makes a little sense. I don't be
lieve that.”

1 then asked how one won іп a nu-
clear exchange.

Bush seemed angry that I had chal-
lenged what to him seemed an obvious
truth. He replied, “You have a surviva-
y of command and control, surviva-
bility of industrial potential, protection
of a percentage of your citizens, and you
have a capability that inflicts more dam-
age on the opposition than it can in
flict upon you. That's the way you can
have a winner, and the Soviets’ plan
ning is based on the ugly concept of a
winner in a nuclear exchange

Did that mean, I asked, that five
percent would survive? Two percent?

"More than that,” he answered. “If
everybody fired everything he had, you'd
have more than that survive.

Тһе interview with Bush seemed in-
ternally inconsistent at the time. But
later, when I learned about an organ
zation that called itself the Committee
on the Present Danger (of which more
later), I covered the source of this
dangerous, if muddled, line of thought.

"The organizers of the committee had
formed the center of opposition to de-
tente. They had introduced the idea that
the Soviets are bent on nuclear superi-
ority and believe they can be victorious
in a nuclear war. As I would learn, those
шеп were influential not only with Bush
but even more so with his campaign op-
ponent, Ronald Reagan.

A month after I interviewed Bush, I
was in another airplane, and the man
beside me was talking. He said that,
assuming we had а Sovietstyle civil de-
Гепве, we could survive nuclear war:

“It would be a survival of some of
your people and some of your facilities,
but you could start again. It would not
be anything that I think in our society
you would consider acceptable, but then,
we have a different regard for human
life than those monsters do." He was
referring to what he said was the Soviets’
belief in winning a nuclear war despite
casualties that we would find unaccepta-
ble. And he added that they are "god-
less" monsters.

It is this theological defect "that gives
them less regard for humanity or human
beings."

Тһе man telling me all this was Ron
ald Reagan, as I interviewed him on a
flight from Birmingham to Orlando,
where he was headed to pick up some
votes in the upcoming 1980 Florida

302 Republican primary. By mentioning the

Soviets’ low regard for human life, he
meant to validate the view tl he con-
fided to me later—that the Russians
have for some time been preparing a
pre-emptive nuclear war:

“We've still been following the mutual.
assured-destruction plan that was given
birth by McNamara, and it was а ri-
diculous plan, and it was based on the
idea that the two countries would hold
each other's populations hostage, that we
would not protect or defend our people
against a nuclear attack. They, in turn,
would do the same. Therefore, if both
of us knew that we could wipe each
other out, neither one would dare push
the button. The difficulty with that was
that the Soviet Union decided some time
ago that a nuclear war was possible and
was winnable, and they have proceeded
with an elaborate and extensive civ
protection program. We do not have
anything of that kind, because we went
along with what the policy was supposed
to be.”

As President, Reagan set out to get
something of that kind. The goal of the
Reagan/Bush Administration has been
to emulate what Reagan claimed was
the Soviet program by developing the
ingredients of a nuclear-war-fighting ca-
pability. And the key ingredient, even
more than the number and power of the
nuclear weapons themselves, is the abil-
ity of a country's leadership to control
a war in the midst of massive nuclear
explosions. This is what Bush had in
mind when he told me that nuclear
war was winnable by having “survivabil
ity of command and control.” And when
Reagan, in the fall of 1981, announced
his strategic package, he singled out an
18-billiondollar program for enduring
command, control and communications
(С?) as the most important element in
his program.

But the calm and understated former
Secretary of State Cyrus Vance had th
to say when I asked him, in an inte
view in March 1982, what he thought
of the Reagan Administration's plans
to improve C* in order to attain a
nuclear-war-fighting capability: “I think
it is sound and proper to have a com-
mand and control that could, hopefully.
survive a nuclear attack. However, to
take the next leap—that it is important
to have a command and control that

is survivable so that you can fight a nu-
clear war—is a wholly different situation.
I happen to be one of those who be-
madness to talk about trying

lieve it
to fight a continuing nuclear war as
though it were like fighting a conven-
tional war and that one could con-
trol the outcome with the kind of
precision that is sometimes possible in a
опа! war situation.”

That the Administration had begun
moving in a direction that Vance called
madness was made abundantly clear by

cutcnant General ns:

James W. S

berry, commander ой the Electronics
Systems. Division o[ the Air Force, as
reported in Aviation Weck & Space

Technology:

Stansberry said there is now a
shift in strategic-warfare philosophy
in the U.S. and that the country
must be prepared to fight and to
keep on fighting, and that an eight-
hour nuclear is no longer an
acceptable concept.

‘The main reason that an eight-hour
nuclear war is no longer acceptable is
that the Administration has adopted the
view. once held by only а fringe group of
strategic analysts, that the Soviet Union
is bent on acquiring nuclear superiority
so as to win a nuclear war, as Bush had
id. This was the point of Colin Gray
nd Keith Payne's controversial article
"Victory Is Possible," referred to tarli
They argued not only that nuclear w
is winnable but also that the U.S. should
be prepared to initiate it.

Two years after that article appeared,
Gray was appointed by the Reagan Ad.
ministration as consultant to the Arms
Control and Disarmament Agency. He
was alo named a member of the Gen-

al Advisory Committee to the Arms
Control and Disarmament Agency and a
consultant to the State Department.

If the Russians had appointed a man
with Gray's i
government post, our own haw!
surely say, “We told you so” and de-
mand vast new categories of armaments.
Nor did Reagan appoint such men as
тау and T. К. Jones inadvertently
heir views and those of the other hard
liners were well known to the Reagan
people who selected them, and they
were compatible with the strategic pol-
icy pursued. by the Administration. For
the views of these hard-liners. in fact.
permeate the present Administration.

They are views that had been espoused
for years by men languishing in the

wings of power, waiting for one of th
own to move to center stage. With Rea-
gan, their time had come.

THE COMMITTEE ON THE PRESENT DANGER

It was the fall of Reagan's first year in
office, and Charles Tyroler II, the di-
rector of the Committee on the Present
Danger, was boasting a little. Five years
before, he and a small band of Cold War-
riors had set out to reshape American
foreign policy, which they felt was too
soft on the Russians, and suddenly, they
had succeeded beyond their wildest
dreams. One member of their group
was now the President of the United
States, and һе had recruited heavily
from the committee's ranks for his top
foreign-policy offici,

Committce members were ensconced
as heads of the CLA and the Arms Con
trol and Disarmament Agency and in

@ Dr. Bosley
‚№ explains
Why Hair Transplantation Works.

Your own living and growing hair Most men are good candidates for Hair Transplantation
Living hair on the back and sides of the head is and MPR, but not every one qualifies. Your eligibility will be
relocated and meticulously distributed over bald and determined by one of our physicians during your no-cost
thinning areas, where it quickly takes “root.” After a consultation.

short resting period it GROWS and continues to grow Are you ready to improve your appearance?

for life " First, educate yourself on Hair Transplantation, MPR,

Hair Transplantation results Microgratts, cost, tax benefits. Simply telephone us— ask
improved by NEW medical for our FREE Hair Transplantation

advances information package.
Male Pattern Reduction Also ask for complete
(MPRS™) developed by the information regarding.
Bosley Medical Group great- our special
ly reduces bald or thinning reimbursement plan
areas, allowing successful to cover your air travel
hair transplants upon pa- to Beverly Hills.

tients formerly rejected as Call

“too bald.” MicrograftS™ is

another BMG develop- (213) 651-0011

ment that creates a softer, COLLECT

more natural hairline. IT COULD CHANGE

Integrity and YOUR LIFE.

Professionalism

All our physicians are Bosley

members of the Medical

American Medical ri

Association (AMA), Group

and are highly skilled L. Lee Bosley. M.D.
Founder and Director

in the science and art
of Hair Transplanta-
tion. More hair trans-
plant procedures
and MPRs are per-
formed at our
Groups outpatient
facilities than any

at other single
medical cenier in

Certified Diplomate of Ihe
American Board of Dermatology

Beverly Hills:
8447 Wilshire Blvd
(at La Cienega)
213/651-4444

Newport Beach:
3961 MacArthur Blvd
(at Jamboree)

the world, 714/752-2227
It Or mail this
worked qus

information today
for Doug. Bosley Medical Group РВ1282

Beverly Hills:
8447 Wilshire Blvd. (at La Cienega): 213/651-4444
Newport Beach:
3961 MacArthur Bivd. (at Jamboree) 714/752-2227

O Send me more information on Hair Transplantation at
the Bosley Medical Group, at по cost and no obligation.

Doug Howarth, program coordinator for a leading
aerospace corporation. is just one of thousands of
men who have come to the Bosley Medical Group to
find a permanent solution to baldness through Hair
Transplantation

MPR, Hair Transplantation and related procedures Name
are 100% tax deductible as medical expense. Phone
Address
© 1982 Bosley Medical Group + A Medcal Corporation City/State Zip

|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Photographs. Herb Kravitz 1982 |

==

PLAYBOY

ws

YOU САМТ GET IT
OUT OF A BOOK.

Or a magazine, or a manual, or most gym instruc-
tors. The fact is, if you want to /earn the art of body-
building, you must see the act of bodybuilding — from
beginning to end. A picture or paragraph won't do.

SPORTECH™ would like to give you private lessons
from an expert. David Engel, M.D., specialist in
internal and sports medicine, has drawn from his 15
years in bodybuilding to create a unique instructional
videotape. . . Basic Men's Bodybuilding. ©

He demonstrates
— Over 25 exercises using proper technique

— The 25 most common training mistakes
— Each muscle group on a lifelike chart

He discusses

— Common injuries and how to avoid them

— Muscle anatomy and body structure

— Personal program design, scheduling,
where to train and much more

Whether you're just getting started or have exper-
ience, train at home or in a gym, let SPORTECH™

Photo by Crosby!

show you how to do it right! Order now for Christ-
mas gift-giving.

VISA/MC Orders / More Information
Call 1-800-528-6050. Ext. 1245
In Arizona, 800-352-0458, Ext. 1245

To order Basic Men's Bodybuilding ©, send
check or M.O. for $49.95 plus $3.50 postage and
handling to: Sportech™, Inc., Р.О. Box 16361,
Phoenix, Arizona 85011. Allow 2-4 weeks for
delivery. Arizona residents, add 596 sales tax.

Specify (

)Betaor( VHS

Name
Address =
City State Zip.
VISA/MC No. Exp. Date.
Signature.

top State and Defense Department and
White House positions. Paul Green,
the committee's public-relations director.
told me that Eugene Rostow, а found-
ing member of the committee and the
new head of the Arms Control and Dis
armament Agency, had just that week
written part of the President's speech on
arms control. It was in that speech that
Reagan had for the first time referred
to START as the alternative to SALT.
Green was proud that it had been Ros-
tow who had come up with the acronym
START, and both Green and Tyroler
were obviously pleased that SALT II,
which had taken three Presidents and
six years to negotiate and which the com-
mittee had strenuously opposed, now
seemed securely buried.

‘Ihe leaders of the Government,
Tyroler boasted, “the Secretary of De-
fense, the President of the United States
and the Secretary of State, the head of
the Arms Control and Disarmament
Agency, the National Security advi-
sor—when they give a speech, in gener-
al terms, it sounds like what we said
1976. Yes, I think that is a fair state
ment.” He then offered a self-satisfied
laugh and added, "And why wouldn't
that be? They use the same stuff—and
they were all members back then.”

Тһе same stuff, of course, was the
committee's persistent and shrill crit
cism of the SALT ПІ treaty in particular
and of detente with the Soviets in gen
eral. What emerges from the committee's
literature is the view that the Soviet
Union is as unrelentingly aggressive as
Nazi Germany: “The Soviet military

build-up of all its armed forces over the

past quarter century in part, remi,
cent of Nazi Germany's rearmament in
the Thirties. The Soviet build-up affects
all branches of the military: the army,
the air force and the navy. In add
Soviet nuclear offensive and defensive
forces are designed to enable the U.S.S.R.
to fight, survive and win an all-out nu-
clear war should it occur.”

Committee founder Paul Nitze later
added, “The Kremlin leaders do not
want war; they want the world. ... The
Soviets are driven to put themselves into
the best position they can to achieve
military victory in a [nuclear] war while
assuring the survival, endurance and
recovery of the core of their party.”

This last notion, later embraced by
candidates Bush and Reagan, originated
with the men who founded the commi
tee and who have since become key
players in the Reagan campaign and
Presidency. It is they who have given us
the language and the imagery of limited
nuclear war and who claim that we can
survive and even win such a conflict. It
is they and their allies within the Ad-
ministration who have pushed most
strenuously for a rapid arms build-up.
And itis they who are responsible, along
with their Soviet counterparts, for drag-

ging the world back into the darkness
and the danger of the Cold War.

The committee's ideologues couldn't
have done it alone. Their rhetoric fed
on the continued Soviet military build-
up and the wasteful civil-defense pro-
gram that accompanied it, to say nothing
of the violent statements of various
Soviet military leaders and the outra-
geous suppression of their own and Шей
satellites’ people, as well as the invasion
of Afghanistan. Yet the Soviet build-up
does not, as we shall see, justify the com-
mittee’s program or that of the Adminis-
uation it now so profoundly influences.
As Paul Warnke, Carter's arms-control
director, says, “If you figure you can't
have arms control unless the Russians
are nice guys, then it secms to me that
you're being totally illogical. If the Rus-
sians could be trusted to be nice guys,
you wouldn't need strategicarms con-
trol. And you wouldn't need strategic
arms."

Rut Soviet behavior did alienate much
American opinion that might have fa-
vored arms control and, thus, provided
the emotional context and the minimal
plausibility that were essential for the
revival of a Cold War mood. The hawks
on both sides of the superpower con-
frontation have a long history of feeding
on each other's rhetorical and strategic
excesses. In particular, both sides tend
to exaggerate the technological success
of the opposing side's defense program,
meanwhile denying that the enemy can
do anything else right. The hawks on
both sides, including the Committee on

the Present Danger, are threat inflaters
who dourly predict every success for
the forces of evil and nothing but trou-
ble for the side of virtue unless that side
adopts the methods and programs of its
opponents.

The founding members of the com-
mittee included, among others, veter-
ans of what came to be known as Team
B, a group of hawks whom Bush had
brought into the CIA from outside its
ranks when he was that agency's director
in 1975-1976. The aim of Team B was
to reevaluate the agency's own assess
ment of the Soviet menace, which Team
B found too moderate. Team B's chair-
man was Richard Pipes, Reagan's top
Soviet expert on the National Security
Council. And one of its most ас-
tive members was former Secretary of the
Navy Paul Nitze, who has since become
Reagan's key negotiator on European
strategic weapons. То no one's surprise,
Team B concluded what it had original-
ly hypothesized: that the CIA had se
ously underestimated the Soviet threat.
In November 1976, Nitze, along with
Rostow, formed the Committee on the
Present Danger and asked several hun-
dred prominent individuals, including
Pipes, to support them.

“The committee's philosophy is dom-
inant.” said PR director Paul Green,
who had joined Tyroler and me in the
committee's offices. Green's cherubic de-
meanor and pleasant smile promisc
something far less threatening than the
group's dire warnings about the stra-
tegic balance. Yet what he was about to

“Brace yourself, Millie. Here comes the
traditional Christmas goose.”

303

Playboy’s

1983
Playmate
Calendar

with -
America’s WESS
Favorite
Calendar.

o os,

JOOHI?
30

32043330-3)32

Duck Рио”

“Just teach me enough to subdue and humiliate Burt Reynolds.”

PLAYBOY

306

outline spelled the end for serious efforts
at arms control during the Reagan Ad
ministration.

"So the committee's
Green went on, “is dominant in the
three major areas [in which] there is go
ng to be U.S. Soviet activity.” He was
referring to the various arms-control
negotiations that were being resumed
with the Soviets and that were directed
by committee members Reagan had ap-
pointed to his Adm
whom had been str
И. The implications of Reagan's victory.
not only for arms control but for rela-
tions in general with the Soviets, be-
ame starkly clear as Tyroler continued
his inventory of the powerful posts then
held by members of his group.

“We've got [Richard] Allen, Pipes and
Geoffrey Kemp over at NSC. We've got
the people most intimately involved in
the arme control negotiations for the
Defense Department: [Fred] Iklé (Under.
secretary of Defense for Policy]: his dep-
uty, [R. G.] Stillwell; and Dick Perle. At
the Arms Control and Disarmament
Agency, there аге Rostow, the head of it;
[Edward] Rowny, the SALT negotiator;
and Nitze, the TNF [Theater Nuclear
Forces} negotiator. And [William] Van
ave on the General Advisory Com:
mittee. Well, that's the whole hic
archy.”

Allen was later forced to resign as the
President's National Security Council ad-
visor over allegations, later dismissed,
that he had improperly received money
from Japanese journalists, and Van
Cleave's nomination was withdrawn be
cause his abrasive personality offended
Caspar Weinberger. Kowny, while sym-
pathetic, was not actually a member of
the committee. But Tyroler could have
added committee member William Case:
who became head of the CIA; John F.
Lehman, Secretary of the Navy: Jeane
Kirkpatrick, Ambassador to the United
Nations; Colin Gray, nominated to the
Arms Control and Disarmament Agency
advisory committee; and scores of other
highly placed members of the Adminis-

philosophy,

tation. Tyroler himself was appointed
member of the President's Intelligence
Oversight Board

‘That wasn't quite the whole hierarchy,
as Tyroler claimed, but according to
m and Green, it was only accidental
that then-Secretary of State Alexander
Haig and Defense Secretary Weinberger
had not signed up with the committee.
When Haig resigned in June 1982, he
was replaced by George Shultz, a found-
ing member of the Committee on the
Present Danger. He appointed another
commitice member, W. Allen Wallis, as
a top assistant. As for Weinberger
Green said he had not joined because he
had thought it would be hard to get to
Washington from his job with Bechtel
on the West Coast but “із very sympa-
thetic to our point of view.” He added,
“It would be hard to find an outspoken
opponent of our point of view who is
still in the Government.” Tyroler and
Green reported somewhat gleefully that
even Henry Kissinger, ever one to sniff
the winds of change, had sent in а 5100
contribution after Reagan had won the
election.

Lasked Tyroler and Green whether an
article I had written for the Los Angeles
“imes that had stressed the committee's
influence in the Reagan Administration
had exaggerated the case, and they both
said no. Tyroler said, "What we're talk-
ing about is [the committee's founding
statement]—is that the viewpoint of this
Administration? The answer is yes. Кеа.

gan has said so time and time again.
Special interest groups tend to сха
gerate their influence, but in this

stance, we have the word of Ronald
Reagan himself to confirm the commit-
tee's importance. After his election, he
wrote in a letter to the committee, “The
statements and studies of the commit-
tee have had a wide national impact,
and I benefited greatly from them.” He
added that “the work of the Committee
on the Present Danger has certainly
helped to shape the national debate on
important problem:

These unremitting Cold

Warriors

seem almost to miss the Stalinist era,
those black-and-white years when the
Soviet Union, with its timetable for
world conquest, seemed to hold the un-
challenged leadership of a monolithic
international Communist movement ar-
ist a united free world content
its own borders. They seem
uncomfortable with events as they have
evolved since then; the Sino-Soviet split,
West Germany's increasingly close ties to
Russia and the Eurocommunist move:
ment independent of Moscow apparently
annoy them by troduced trouble-
some complexity into that world view.
For them, Communism is evil, and that's
all there is to it.

Lest I be accused of exaggi on. I
should report that when I interviewed
Rostow in the spring of 1981, just after
Reagan had appointed him Director of
the Arms Control and Disarmament
Agency, and asked him whether or not
he believed that the Soviet Union had
any legitimate grievance aga the
U.S., he replied, “None whatever.”

Tronically, committee leaders, who had
for decades supported the U.S. nuclear-
weapons build-up, offered the Soviet
counterparts of their own hawkish posi
tion as proof that the two nations do
not share a common perception and
fear of nuclear war. Of course, it would
be splendid news for everyone if the
Soviet Union agreed to unilateral re-
in the arms race. Ever since
their humiliation during the Cuban Mis-
sile Crisis, the Russians have piled missile
upon missile. However, the committee
wants the U.S. to pile weapons systems
upon weapons systems, and as long as
that is so, the cheering will have to wait.
The committee's leaders must be aware
that the U.S. did not hesitate to develop
each new weapons system it thought
workable and useful as the Soviets pur-
sued their own build-up in the Seventies
Thus, we have the Pershing И and

missiles, the Trident submarines
a siles and the technological ba:
for the MX missile, each of which е:
ceeds Soviet development by a good five
years, jeopardizing the expanding Soviet
array of land-based missiles—the basket
into which the Soviets have put most of
their nuclear eggs.

Much of what we know, or think we
know, about Soviet intentions and
strength is based on estimates inferred
from US. intelligence data, though dur-
g the SALT talks, both sides did pro-
vide details on their strategic systems.

nst

The Soviets do not reveal many details
of their defense budget or force struc-
ture, and th lone seem to take

iously the relatively low annual
defensebudget figure that they pub-
lish. The Western countries, howev
possess a great deal of h
formation of the specifics of the Sovict-
force make-up gleaned from constant and
increasingly precise satellite surveillance

“Somewhere soon youlll discover
our Puerto Rican white rum?’

N
“106 better than gin. Better than vodka.
That’s why we mix our Bloody Marys with
Puerto Rican White Rum”

International Banker Manuel Zambrana
and his wife Kristine, owner of gourmet coffee stores

More and more people are discovering that Puerto Rican
white rum makes a better tasting Bloody Mary than gin or vodka.
And that it's better with tonic or soda and in a screwdriver.

The reason? Smoothness. By law, all rum from Puerto Rico
must be aged at least one year. And when it comes to smoothness,
aging is the name of the game

Make sure the rum is from Puerto Rico.

Great rum has been made in Puerto Rico for almost five
centuries. Our specialized skills and dedication have pro-
duced rums of exceptional dryness and purity. No wonder П
over 86% of the rum sold in this country comes from

Ro RUMS OF PUERTO RICO

Aged for smoothness and taste.

For tree Light Rums ol Puerto Rico’ recipes. write Puerto Rican Rums. Dept P-11 1290 Avenue! the
Amencas МҰ NY 10102 € 1982 Government of Puerto Rico

PLAYBOY

308

as well as from old-fashioned spying. But
this vast amount of material has to be
submitted to intelligence analysis before
its meaning becomes clear. To do that,
however, involves interpretation based
on the skills and the experience of U.S.
intelligence agencies, particularly the
CIA, which has traditionally attempted
10 evaluate Soviet strength in an objec-
tive manner.

One reason for the current confusion
is that this objectivity was seriously com-
promised under the administration of
CIA Director George Bush, with the help
of some key founders of the Committee
on the Present Danger. Those events
occurred in 1976, and they were to һауе
a profound effect on our evaluation of
the Soviet threat and on the course of
Presidential politics. I am referring to
the creation of Team B, the group of
outside analysts whose leaders were per-
mitted by Bush to re-evaluate the CIA's
own estimates of Soviet strength and in-
tentions. The objective procedures by
which the CIA formerly evaluated the
scope and the nature of the Soviet threat
may thus have been the first casualties of
the new Cold War.

TEAM R

Until 1976, the CIA did not believe
that the Soviets were militarily superior
to the U.S. or were aiming at nuclear
superiority. Nor did agency analysts be-
lieve that the Soviet leadership expected
to survive and win a nuclear war. Then
George Bush became head of the CIA,
and the professionals at the agency were
told to think otherwise.

Bush was appointed CIA Director dur-
ing the last усаг of Gerald Ford's Presi-
dency and took the unprecedented step
of allowing a hawkish group of ош-
siders to challenge the СІА own intel-
ligence estimates of Soviet strength. In
a break with the agency's standards of
secrecy, Bush granted this group access to
the most sensitive data оп Soviet military
strength, data that had been culled from
satellite photos and reports of agents
the field, defectors and current inform-
ants. Never before had outside critics of
Government policy been given such ac
cess to the data underlying that policy.
Bush did not extend similar privileges
to dovish critics of prevailing policy.

This intrusion into the objective proc-
ess of CIA analysis greatly inflated the
existing estimate of U.S. vulnerability to
Russian forces and would eventually be
used to justify an increased U.S. arms
build-up. As The New York Times noted
in a strongly worded editorial at the
time, “For reasons that have yet to be
explained, the CIA's leading analysts
were persuaded to admit a hand-picked,
unofficial panel of hard-line critics of
recent arms-control policy to sit at their
elbows and to influence the estimates of
future Soviet military capacities in a
‘somber’ direction.

The group that Bush appointed was
called Team B to distinguish from
Team A, the CIA professionals who were
paid to evaluate Soviet strength in an
unbiased fashion. Thanks to Bush, Team
B was successful in getting the U.S. Gov-
ernment to alter profoundly its estimates
of Soviet strength and intentions, though
s charged t Team В had seriously
distorted the CIA's raw data to conform.
to the political prejudices of its members.

Those prejudices were described in a
New York Times report as follows: “The
conditions [for Team B members] were
that the outsiders be mutually agreeable
to the [Foreign Intelligence] advisory
board and to Mr. Bush and that they
hold more pessimistic views of Soviet
plans than those entertained by the ad-
vocates of the rough-parity thesis.”

The Team В report helped bolster
and may even have been the source for
Bush's and Reagan's assertions in the
1980 campaign that the Soviets had be-
traycd the hopes of détente and were
bent on attaining nuclear superiority. It
was the Team B study that led to charges
during the campaign that Carter had
allowed the Soviets to gain nuclear
superiority and that the United States
must "rearm."

The Times account of what followed
the introduction of Team B was based
on nonattributable interviews that sug-
gested a civil war within the intelligence
community One intelligence обсег
"spoke of "absolutely bloody discussions"
during which the outsiders accused. the
CIA of dealing in faulty assumptions,
faulty analysis, faulty use of intelligence
and faulty exploitation of available in-
telligence. ‘It was an absolute disaster for
the CIA,’ this official added in an author-
ized interview. Acknowledging that there
were more points of difference than in
most years, he said, "There was disagree
ment beyond the facts.

Another outspoken critic of Team B
was Ray S. Cline, a former Deputy Direc-
tor of Intelligence of the CIA, who,
according to The Washington Post, is “а
leading skeptic about Soviet intentions
and a longtime cı of Kissinger.” The
article continued: “Не [Cline] deplored
the experiment. It means, Cline said, that
the process of making national-security
estimates ‘has been subverted’ by em-
ploying ‘a kangaroo court of out
ics all picked from one point of view.

Team B was hand-picked by Bush,
and, as noted by The New York Times,
a “pessimistic” view of the Soviets was a
prerequisite for inclusion on the team.
The committee's chairman was Pipes,
the same hard-liner who, in 1981, an-
nounced that the Soviets would have to
choose between peacefully changing
their system and going to war.

According to Jack Ruina, professor of
electrical engineering at MIT and for-
mer senior consultant to the Office of
Science and Technology Policy at the

White House, “Pipes knows little about
technology and about nuclear weapons.
I know him personally. T like him. But I
think that on the subject of the Soviets,
he is clearly obsessed with what he
r aggressive intentions.”

the intellectual godfather of
the thesis that the Soviets reject nuclea
parity and are bent on nuclear-war figh
ing, a thesis later advanced by Bush and
Reagan and now permeating the Reagan
Administration.

Pipes clarified his position and that of

Team B in a summary of the classified
Team B report that he provided in an
op-ed piece in The New York Times.
The article criticized the w that each
side had more than enough nuclear
weapons and that the notion of nuclear
superiority between the superpowers no
longer made sense. Pipes wrote:
More subtle and more pernici
the argument, backed by the prestige of
Henry A. Kissinger, that nuclear superi-
arity is meaningless. This view was es-
sential to Mr. nger's détente policy,
but it rests on flawed thinking. Under-
pinning it is the widely held notion that
since there exists a certain quantitative
level in the accumulation of nuclear
weapons that, once attained, is sufficient
to destroy mankind, superiority is irrele-
vant: There is no overtrumping total
destruction."

Pipes's alternative to Kissinger's view
of strategic policy was the one embraced
by Team B. His article continued:
nfortunately, in nuclear competi-
tion, numbers аге not all. The contest
between the superpowers is increasingly
turning into a qualitative race whose
outcome most certainly can yield mean-
ingful superiority.
е months after his piece in the
Times, Pipes argued, in a Commentary
article led "Why the Soviet Union
Thinks It Could Fight and Win a
Nuclear War,” that the Soviets do not
agree that nuclear war is fundamentally
different from conventional wars, a vic
point that he himself seems to share
more realistic than the prevailing Ameı
idea that nuclear war would be
lal. Pipes noted that at first, the U.S.
tary had held what he claims i
actually the Sov d
came t0 horror, atomic bombs have
nothing over conventional ones," a point
he attempted to prove by reference to
the devastation of Tokyo and Dresden by
conventional weapons. He argued that
this sound. thinking on the part of the
military was “promptly silenced by a
coalition of groups, each of which it
suited, for its own reasons, to depict the
atomic bomb as the ‘absolute weapon’
that had, in large measure, rendered tra-
ditional military establishments redun-
dant and traditional strategic thinking
obsolete.”

Pipes complained that “a large part of

views as thy

can

us із

t view, that "when it

“Think it was his money or his Jensen?”

It was a sound decision, either way. The switchable stereo/mono FM modes and
Jensen? Car Audio JR 115 AM/FM Cas- interstation muting to filter out intermittent
sette Receiver would turn any bodys head. noise. And the reception is incredibly
Its a high-performance receiver that keeps pure with automatic local/distance switching.
the Jensen commitment to capturing all the The JR 115 will fit almost any car. And

sound and repro- - it’s built tough to pro-
ducing it richly and 7.a. , == jez, || tect that famous
accurately, : — 25 „ | Jensen sound. (So the
The JR 115 cas- — ( \ || honeymoon isn't over
sette player features ps ré | | with the first rocky
auto reverse, plus road.
locking fast-forward Wedding bells
and rewind controls are terrific. But for
for smooth, convenient sound that really moves
operation. you, remember to.

The receiver offers JENSEN take Jensen along.

CAR AUDIO

When its the sound that moves you.

(© Jensen Sound Loborotories, 1982

PLAYBOY

310 сен

the U.S. scientific community had been
convinced the first atomic
bomb was exploded that the nuclear
weapon, which that community had con-
ceived and helped to develop, had ac-
complished a complete revolution in

"That conclusion, he wrote.
hed without much reference to
ysis of the effects of atomic
Weapons carried out by the military and,
indeed consideration of the
traditional principles of warfare." In-
stead, Pipes argued, this misguided
notion was the result of psychological
and philosophical distortions by the
entists themselves. “It represented," he
"an act of faith on the part of an
intellectual community that held strong
ifist convictions and felt decp guilt at
having participated in the creation of a
weapon of such destructive power.

Thus, Pipes dismissed the anguished
concern of many of the scientists who
knew these weapons best, as if their feel-
ings of guilt and their wishes for peace
were absurd or decadent or. perhaps,
even anti-Americ

The Soviets, by contrast—according
to Pipes, who іп a perverse way seems to
revel in the heartlessness he assigns to

as soon as

without

them—were not so sentimental. They
believed, instead, that Clausewitz was
right: Nukes or no nukes, war was still

the pursuit of politics by other means.
And because the hardheaded Soviets be-
схе that nuclear weapons can be used
just as successfully in war as conventi
al weapons can, the Americans must pre-
pare to emulate the Russians.

The principal Team B analysts, Nitze
and Van Cleave. shared this view. They
1 already held discussions for months
with Rostow and others to plan the
formation of the Committee on the Pres:
ent Danger even before those genue-
men, acti Team B, had entered
t Langley, Vir
to reevaluate the agenc

their decision to form an activist organi-
Ls.

zation based on the notion that the
was losing out to the Soviets a
arms expenditures pr
t the CLA's material. So much
for pretensions of objectivity.

Team B's conclusions were based on
three p depiction of Soviet stra-
intentions; the claim that the
Soviets were engaged in a massive m
ry build: ad the idea that the
Soviets’ civil-defense program made credi
ble their expectation of surviving a nu
ch ith the U.S.

Those same three points would latc
form the core assumptions of the Rea-
gan Administration's strategic policy.
including, of course, Т. К. Jones's shovel:
based plan for protecting the civi
population. Yet, while the Team B study
is still classified, enough of it has leaked
10 raise serious questions about the

ts:

When Bush accepted the Team B con-
clusion that the Soviet build-up was
much greater than had previously been
assumed by the CIA, he did so, he told
The New York Times, because ol
evidence and reinterpretation of old in-
formation [that] contributed to the reas-
sessment ol Soviet intentions.” Yet the
new evidence to which he referred, іп
fact, actually refuted the conclusions of
Team B and the subsequent assumptions
of the Reagan-Bush Adn tr

The new evidence available to Team
B was the CIA's revised estimate of
Soviet defense spending, published
October 1976, that held that Soviet mili-
tary spending as а percentage of G. N. P.
had increased [rom the six-to-cight per-
cent range to the 11-13 percent range.
That was Team B's proof that the
Soviets were building a bigger military
force than the U.S. had thought.

However, as former CIA analyst Arthur
Macy Cox pointed out in an article in
The New York Times, the revised CIA
estimates of 1976 tell us, in fact, nothing
of the sort. As Cox observed in another
artide, in The New York Review of
Books, "While Team B's report . . . re-
mained classified, the CIA's own official
report om Soviet defense spending of
October 1976, had contradicted Team
B's conclusions, not supported them.
The true meaning of the October |
report has been missed. А gargantua
error has been allowed to si
corrected all these years.”

Cox then cited Ше same CIA report
on which Team B had relied and to
which Bush had referred as the new
evidence: The new estimate of the
share of defense in the Soviet G.N.P.
is almost twice as high as the six-to-eight
percent. previously estimated.” the CIA
report said but then added, "This does
not mean that the impact of defense
programs on the Soviet economy has in-
creased—only that our appreciation of
this impact has changed. Zt also implies
that Soviel defense industries are far less
efficient than formerly believed.“

It was exactly wrong. then, for Bush
to have suggested that the CIA had
doubled or even measurably increased
its estimate of the size of the actual
Soviet defense program, for what it had
only its evaluation of the
efficiency of Soviet production—in other
words, the amount the Russians were рау
ing for what they got. What the CIA
showed was that the Soviets were ing
harder time punching out the same
umber of tanks and missiles as the СТА
had formerly projected for them; that
they were, in other word: hg more
for the same level of production. As Cox
noted, "What should have beei ause
for jubilation became the inspiration
for misguided alarm."

As for increases of actual Soviet de-
fense spending during the Seventies, the

new

CIA, in its official estimate published in
January 1980, concluded that for the
1970-1979 period, “estimated in constant
dollars, Soviet defense act es increased
at an average annual rate of three per-
cent.” This is higher than the U.S. in-
crease during the Seventies and lower than
the U.S. rate from 1979 through 1983.
For the Seventies, NATO expenditures
exceeded those of the Warsaw Pact. A
three percent increase in Soviet m
spending is actually no higher than the
overall increase of the Soviet G.N.P.
during the Seventies, which is put at be-
tween three and five percent by experts
on the subject

There is much more to be said about
the increases that have occurred іп the
past two decades in the Soviet-force pos-
ture relative to that of the U.S. and of
its allies, My purpose here is simply to
emphasize the serious error that under-
lay Team B's assertion that U.S. intelli-
gence had underestimated the Soviet
build-up and that a new spiral in the
ms race was therefore in order.
Team B's somber estimates of Soviet
intentions, accepted as the national in-
telligence estimates under Bush's prod-
ding, were to alter the climate for
detente and arms control that the in-
coming Carter Administration would
face from the time of its Inaugura
According to The New York Times in
December 1976, “Presidentelect Carter
will receive an intelligence estimate of
long-range Soviet strategie intentions
next month that raises the question
whether the Russians are shifting their
objectives from rough parity with United
States military forces to superiority

The Times account added that “pre-
vious national estimates of Soviet aims—
the supreme products of the intelligence
community since 1950—had conduded
that the objective was rough parity with
United States strategic capabilities“ It
then quoted Bush as saying that the shift
in estimates was anted because
“there are some worrisome signs” and
added that “while Mr. Bush declined to
discuss the substance of the estimate, it
сап be authoritatively reported that the
worrisome signs included newly devel-
oped guided missiles, a vast program of
underground shelters and a continuing
build-up of air defenses.

The claims made for Soviet under-
ground shelters and civil defense had
generally been a critical element in the
controversy will the intelligence com-
munity even before Team B intervened.
The Times article stated that the con-
vocation of Team В "came about pri-
marily through continuing dissents by a
long-term maverick in the intelligence
community.” Major General George J.
Keegan, who retired as Air Force Chief
of Intelligence soon after the Team B
report was completed and who had
been a consultant to Team B. The Times

уе
>

e

PLAYBOY

312 according to Team B? Why do Sovi

said, "In 1974 [Keegan's] dissents to the
national estimate relating to the signifi-
cance of the Soviet civil-defense program
and new guided missiles provoked such
a storm that he was called to the White
House to make his case before the
[Foreign Intelligence] advisory board.”

Keegan convinced Leo Cherne, then
Chairman of the Foreign Intelligence
Advisory Board, and one of the origin
architects of the U.S. involvement in
Vietnam, to persuade Bush to convene
Team B. Cherne, who heads a private
business-consulting firm, is also head of
the International Rescue Committee,
which deals with political refugees. He
was one of those Americans who, in the
early Fifties, discovered Ngo Dinh Diem
living in a Maryknoll seminary in New
Jersey and proposed that he become the
George Washington of Vietnam. Back in
the Forties, this same Cherne had di-
rected a company that employed William
Casey, now CIA Director.

The Foreign Intelligence Advisory
Board, of which Cherne has been a
member since the Nixon years (he was
appointed chairman in 1976), was de-
activated during the Carter Administra-
tion but resurrected under Reagan, and
Cherne is now its vice-chairman. This
body, which supervises the work of the
intelligence agencies, now draws almost
half of its current roster of 19 members
from the ranks of the Committee on the
Present Danger.

The Team В report remains classified,
but retired Lieutenant General Daniel O.
Graham, who had participated in that
group's challenge to the previous intel
ligence estimates of Soviet strength, told
The Washington Post, when the Team
B report was filed at the end of 1976,
that there were “two catalytic factors” that
had caused this re-evaluation of Soviet

ntentions. One was the recalculation of
the percentage of Soviet G.N.P. going
to defense—the meaning of which, as
we have seen, was distorted in the Team
B report. And, according to the Post,
“The other major force in changing the
official U.S. perception, Graham said,
has been "the discovery of a very impor
tant [Soviet] civil-defense elfort—very
strong and unmistakable evidence that а
big effort is on to protect people, indus-
try and to store food.

But this big effort, as much as it may
have impressed and alarmed General
sraham, is simply the primitive-shel-
ter-and-evacuation scheme that T. К.
Jones had advocated in his interview
with me. When Jones told те that the
U.S. could recover from general nuclear
war in an estimated two to four years, he
meant that we could do so with a "Sovict-
type civil defense." But if digging a hole
and covering it with doors is a prepos-
terous defense for Americans, by what
logic does the same procedure become
"a very impor

manuals telling their people to dig holes
in the tundra become a serious problem
for American strategic planners? Yet it is
these very holes in the ground that are
meant to justify the assertion that the
Soviets think they can win a nuclear war.

"The argument that the Soviets’ civil de-
fense proves they аге aiming for nuclear
superiority and a warfighting capability
was strongly advanced by Pipes in his
Commentary article. Pipes was especially
opposed to the notion that mutual as-
sured destruction was an accurate predic-
tion of what would occur should the two
superpowers resort to nuclear war.

Pipes claimed that the Soviets thought
they could fight and win a nuclear war
in part because they could keep th
casualties to the level of past conven-
tional wars. Their civil-defense program,
Pipes said, would permit "acceptable"
casualties on the order of 20,000,000, ог
about ав many Soviet dead as in World.
War Two. The fact, obvious to cven the
most casual visitor to the Soviet Union,
that the Russians still deeply mourn
their wartime dead did not trouble
Pipes. He simply assumed that the So
t leadership would see to its own
survival and that of its power base in a
nudear conflagration by organizing large-
scale civil-defense programs.

The problem with the large-scale civil-
defense programs envisioned in the So-
t manuals is that to mobilize them
kes nor the 25 minutes required for
an ICBM to reach its target but days or,
by some accounts, weeks. The estimate
used by such civil-defense advocates as
Jones and FEMA's William Chipman is
three days to a week or more.

But even days of such highly visible
preparation would seriously t the
impact of a Soviet first strike on U.S.
nudear-armed submarines and bombers.
the Soviets decided to arm
citizens with shovels and evacuate
cities, the U.S. would put its bomb-
ers and submarines on alert, which would
make them far morc elusive targets,
while the U.S. President could simply
announce a launch-on-warning policy
for the land-based ICBM force, thus
canceling the advantage of а Soviet first
strike against our land-based missiles.

For a first strike to make any sense,
such a civil-defense effort must be on a
large scale and, therefore, highly vis-
ible—visible enough, certainly, to alert
the other side, which is to say that any
attempt to send people to their shelters
could in itself provoke an attack. Yet
nuclear-war fighting is inconceivable as
rational policy option without some
such highly visible scheme to protect
people and machines.

Pipes undc

to
le defense
inst nuclear attack when he wrote,
Nothing illustrates better the funda-
mental differences between the two stra-
кеңіс doctrines than their attitudes to

defense against a nuclear attack" He
warned that "before dismissing Soviet
civil-delense efforts as wishful thinking.
as is customary in Western circles,” one
must recognize that "its chief function
seems 10 be to protect what in Russia
are known as the ‘cadres,’ that is, the
political and military leaders as well as
industrial managers and skilled work-
those who could re-establish the
ical and economic system once the
s over. Judging by Soviet defini-
tions, civil defense has as much to do
h the proper functioning of the
country during and immediately after
the war as with holding down casualties.
Its organization . . . seems to be а kind
of shadow government charged with re-
sponsibility for administering the cou
ту under the extreme stresses of nuclear
wi nd its immediate aftermath.
Thus, Pipes apparently believed that
despite the extreme stresses of nuclear
war, there would actually be an after-
math in which enough of the cadre
would survive, along with sufficient ma-
chinery, roads, power facilities, food-
stuffs, medical care and all the thousands
of other essential items to “re-establish
the political and economic system once
the war was over.”

Unlike T. K. Jones, Pipes was not
rash enough to forecast an actual re-
covery period of two to four years, but
his argument clearly assumed that some
ch recovery is feasible. To help justify
this imputed confidence on the part of
the Soviet leadership, Pipes added that
“the Soviet Union is inherently less
vulnerable than the United States to a
countervalue attack." meaning an attack
on people or industry.

Pipes thought that the Soviets were
less vulnerable because, according to
the 1970 Soviet census, they had only
nine cities with a population of more
than 1,000,000, which in the aggregate
represents 20,500,000, or 8.5 percent, of
the country's total. By contrast, the 1970
U.S. census showed that 41.5 percent of
the United States’ population lived in
cities of more than 1.000.000 people
But what that has to do with anything
is not dear from Pipes's argument. As
the U.S. Arms Control and Disarmament
Agency noted in 1978:

^A comparison was made of the
bility of the US. and the Soviet
Union to nuclear attack. It was found
that both countries are roughly equally
vulnerable, although urban density and
population collocation with industry is
greater in the Soviet Union.
‘The 200 largest cities in either country
clude most of the population. It would
require only the Poseidon missiles on
two fleet ballistic submarines to destroy
those 200 Soviet cities. With both supe:
powers in possession of more than 20,000
strategic nuclear weapons, what does it
matter if the “best countervalue targets
are nine or 200? But Pipes believed that

vulne:

er ad оча эле мора оогон o1 4q рәшоң puo раан vod.

'uoods n jo 4209 ays Јәло snod doy ио dee ооу ор

"uo әш sun К|оэл proquiny> janbysojuog
`зәш!әдд$юл роја ә$оц ‘do} uo uia» jo цѕрр о UHM и әло||
ph ayy u! 4nenbi| Auo jo apso} Аләдд$ол урод sayra 4вәсәәр

94} $04 J| u2u84J OS S! j| "J| dis Ор әло| | "!ueuuupdo злэло]
Аш U рио ‘sse161] о QE | UEYAA “родшоц> anoj Aloe: |

ot? PLS COA

dod ОЎ І

his comparision of the populations of the
two countries largest cities was crucial to
his argument.

It takes no professional strategist to
ıalize what these figures mean. In
World War Two, the Soviet Union lost
20,000,000 inhabitants out of a popula-
tion of 170,000,000—i.e., 12 percent; yet
the country not only survived but
emerged stronger, politically and m
tarily, than it had ever been. Allowing
for the population growth that has oc-
curred since then, this experience sug-
gests that as of today, the U.S.S.R. could
absorb the loss of 30,000,000 of its
people and be no worse off, in terms of
human casualties, than it had been at
the conclusion of World War Two.”

In case the readers of Commentary
had missed the point, Pipes added, "In
other words, all of the U.S.S.R.'s multi-
million I population] cities could be de-
stroyed without trace or survivors, and,
provided that its essential cadres had
been saved, it would emerge less hurt
in terms of casualties than it was in
1945."

Pipes conceded that “such figures are
beyond the comprehension of most Amer-
icans. But clearly a country that since
1914 has lost, as a result of two world
wars, a civil war, famine and various
‘purges,’ perhaps up to 60,000,000 citi-
zens, must define ‘unacceptable damage’
differently from the United States,"
which has known no such suffering.

If Pipes is right, however, then the
rest of Europe—including our allies, who
also experienced much wartime destruc-
tion—should be less squeamish than the
United States about the prospect of nu-
dear war. That this clearly isn't true
undercuts Pipes's argument, even if one
factors in such theories as the barbaric
temper of the East's leadership or the
tendency toward neutralism that Rea-
gan's first National Security Council ad.
visor, Richard Allen, discerned in the
Europeans or the “Protestant angst“
whatever that might mean—that Perle
told me accounts for much of the Euro-
pean peace movement.

Pipes's argument was not much differ-
ent from Jones’s, except that Jones
supplied the details of the Soviet civil-
defense program while Pipes was careful
to omit them. Jones risked ridicule when
he talked to me about building primitive
shelters with hand shovels, but he was
more honest than Pipes, who, when hc
wrote about the Soviet civil-defense pro-
gram, disingenuously neglected to
that it was largely a matter of shoveling
dirt around factory machinery and over
doors atop holes in the ground.

A pamphlet that Pipes and the Com-
mittee on the Present Danger drafted
says nothing about shoveling three fcet of
dirt onto some doors but says, instead,
"Soviet nuclear offensive and defensive
forces are designed to enable the U.S.S.R.
314 to fight, survive and win an all-out nu-

PLAYBOY

clear war should it occur." And how can
the Russians be so confident? Because of
"the intensive programs,” the pamphlet
says, "of civil defense and hardening of
command-and-control posts against nu-
clear attack undertaken in the Soviet
Union in recent years. . . . Т.К.8 mis-
take—the one that brought him before a
Senate subcommittee—was that he talked.
about shovels and dirt when he should
have talked about intensive programs.

WINDOW OF VULNERABILITY

When you first hear it, the term win-
dow of vulnerability sounds ап elusive
but unquestioned alarm.

It was a favorite of Republican candi-
dates during the 1980 election, and while
neither my colleagues in the press corps
nor I understood exactly what it meant,
it sounded provocative enough to keep us
ig. What we were told was that
this window would open up sometime in
the mid-Eighties and in would fly thou-
sands of "hem and more accurate
Soviet ICBMs in a first strike capable
of wiping out our own intercontinental
missiles. Indeed, as candidate Reagan
frequently asserted, the window would
be open so wide that "the Russians
could just take us with a phone call."
He meant that Soviet superiority would
be so obvious to our leaders that the
Russians could blackmail us into sur-
rendering merely by threatening a first
strike.

This claimed vulnerability is the ma-
jor justification of the massive nuclear-
arms build-up called for by the Reagan
Administration. It was also the basis
for Reagan's attacks on the SALT II
treaty and for his opposition to a nu-
clear freeze, both of which, he insists,
would lock the United States into a
position of strategic inferiority. Accord-
ing to Science magazine, "The scenario
[of U.S. vulnerability to a Soviet first
strike] did not achieve wide circulation
until it was taken up by the Committee
on the Present Danger. . .

Whatever its degree of plausibility, the
window of vulnerability was scary stuff in
a political campaign, echoing as it did the
missile gap of John Е. Kennedy's Pre:
dential campaign, which, while no more
accurately describing an impending real
crisis, offered the same kind of simple
slogan that voters might buy.

In 1960, Kennedy scored heavily with
his accusation. that the Republicans
had left open a missile gap between us
and the Soviets. Once he was elected and
read the intelligence data, he discovered
that the Soviets had only a few missiles
compared with our 1000. But no matter.
By the time he discovered the error, һе
was President.

So, too, the window of vulnerability
became a successful election ploy for
Reagan and for the other Republican
candidates who succeeded in scaring
voters into believing that our country's

strategic posture had been seriously
damaged by Carter's polides of dis-
armament.”

But the analogy with Kennedy ends
here, for Reagan became addicted to
his campaign rhetoric and as President
continued to invoke the window of vul-
nerability to justify his massive arms
build-up. At the October 1981 press соп.
ference in which he outlined his strategi
program, Reagan once again warned
that “a window of vulnerability is open-
ing,” and he added that it would “jeop-
ardize not just our hopes for serious,
productive arms negotiations but our
hopes for peace and freedom.” Yet he
was not clear about just what this vulner-
ability entailed. Christopher Paine, who is
on the staff of the Federation of American
Scientists, described the press conference
in The Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists:

"'Mr. President,’ inquired one re-
porter, 'when, exactly, is the “window of
vulnerability"? We heard yesterday the
suggestion that it exists now. Earlier
this morning, a defense official indicated
that it was not until '84 or "87. Are we
facing it right now?"

“The President appeared confused
by the question. He responded, ‘I think
in some areas we are, yes.’ As an
example, he cited the longstanding im-
balance of forces in the Western front—
in the NATO line, we are vastly
outdistanced there.’ And then, in an off-
the-cuff assessment that must have
touched off a few klaxons in the Navy,
the President added, ‘Right now, they
[the Soviets] have a superiority at sea.
What did any of this have to do with
silo vulnerability?”

Referring to the President's observa-
tion about Soviet naval superiority,
Roger Molander, a former National Sc-
curity Council member and founder of
Ground Zero, told me that Reagan's
comment "demonstrated how poor the
President's grasp of this issue wa:
there's one area in which the U
acknowledged superiority, it's the Na-
vy—submarines, antisubmarine warfare,
aircraft carriers, naval armaments, across
the board."

In any case, to link a presumed Soviet
naval advantage with the vulnerability
of our land-based nuclear weapons to a
Soviet first strike was a startling non
sequitur. But this sort of exaggeration
worked for Reagan as a rhetorical de-
vice both during the campaign and in
the Presidency. In a speech to the Vet-
erans of Foreign Wars in August 1980,
he said, “We're already in an arms race,
but only the Soviets are racing.” Reagan
is convinced that the U.S. disarmed
unilaterally during the Seventies while
the Soviets barreled ahead in weapons
development and deployment; that we
accepted parity in nuclear weapons
while the Soviet Union pushed forward
to attain superiority.

One problem with that argument is

WHEN THE SLOPES ARE GREAT,
THE ROADS ARE ROTTEN.

12 inches of automobile in the world thatlets slopes. So if you'd rather be
fresh powder уои go from the economy of hitting the trails than spinning
won't do much 2-wheeldrivetothetractionand your wheels, make the revolu-
for your skiing security of full-time 4-wheel drive tionary 2-wheel/4-wheel drive

if you can’t get with just the flick of a switch. Eagle your official vehicle. It's
available in 4-door

to the slopes.
But poor road wagon or sedan, and
conditions don't have to keep sporty SX-4 liftback.

Visit your American Motors
dealer for an Eagle test drive...
before the next snowfall.

you from terrific ski conditions,
if you're driving the revolution-
ary 1983 Eagle. It's the only get to the

The 2-wheel/4-wheel drive EAGLE P

FROM AMERICAN MOTORS

"Optional S-speed stick. Use these figures for comparison. Your results may dier due to driving speed, weather conditions and trip length.
Highway and California figures tower.

PLAYBOY

316

that few experts on strategic matters
agree that the U.S. is inferior. While it
is possible that the U.S. may be inferior
to the Soviets in specific areas of conven-
tional military power, such as the size
of land forces or the number of tanks,
it is difficult to understand the charge
that the U.S. is inferior to the Soviets in
nuclear weaponry. Perhaps the kindest
thing that can be said for such assertions,
to quote Gerard Smith, President Nixon's
chief negotiator on strategic-arms-limita-
tions talks, is that they “raise questions
about the Administrations common
sense and, worse, its credibility.”

Reagan's campaign rhetoric confused
a threat to U.S. land-based missiles with
à thrcat to overall U.S. ability to deter a
Soviet first strike. While there із much
disagreement among experts as to the
percentage of U.S. missiles that would
be destroyed by a Soviet attack, no one
doubts that the increased accuracy of
Soviet missiles has made U.S. land-based
mi 8 more vulnerable to such attack,
While U.S. observers were surprised by
the speed with which the Soviets caught
up to the U.S. in land-based missile ac-
curacy, no one had seriously doubted
that this would eventually occur.

It was precisely because of this ex-
pectation that land-based missiles would
become more vulnerable that the United

States decided to concentrate instead on
the other legs of the defense id—
submarine-launched missiles and the
bomber fleet. The Soviets have not been
able to develop the technology to match
this development, and as a result, the
survivability of the U.S. nuclear force
is unquestionably far greater than that
presumed of the enemy,

This last point is important, since
Reagan's literal definition of the window
of vulnerability is the prediction that
at some point in the near future, the
Soviets will have a strategic advantage
of such magnitude that they can launch
a first strike sufficient to prevent a dev-
astating U.S. response. This prediction,
however, rests on a distortion of сіспеп-
tal facts about the make-up of the 17.5.
deterrent force and the nature of nuclear
war—a distortion so transparent that
the prediction of U.S. vulnerability has
the hollow sound of deliberate fabri-
cation.

For the window-of-vulncrability argu-
ment to work, its proponents must sim-
ply ignore America’s submarines and
bombers, most of which are on alert at
any given time and cannot, therefore,
be taken out in a first strike. Most ex-
perts believe that these two legs of the
triad of U.S. defense forces would sur-
vive a Soviet first strike and, given their

“То Mom and Pop, who made a mess
of their own lives but who brought us kids through it
all in one piece!"

ir use in retaliation
following a Soviet first strike would mean
the end of Soviet society. As Harold
Brown, Carter’s Secretary of Defense,
noted in his last statement on the de-
fense budget, “The retaliatory poten
of U.S. forces remaining after a counte
force exchange is substantial even in the
worst case and would increase steadily
after 1981, with or without SALT.

During the campaign, Reagan
fond of offering sad-eyed descriptions of
"our aging B-52s" punctuated with his
inevitable anecdote about encountering
a B-52 pilot whose father and grand-
father had flown the same plane
implication was that the planc—p
our deterrent forces against a Soviet
first strike—was all but falling араг
hopelessly old-fashioned and in every
other way inadequate to the grand de-
fensive task at hand. Carter had disarmed
us, or so the Reagan argument went,
in part by refusing to fund the B-
bomber to replace those presumably
derelict B-52s.

Reagan ignored the fact that the
Soviet bomber fleet is а poor shadow
of our own. Most modern Soviet bomb-
ers lack the range to reach the U.S., and
the airplanes that can reach us are slow
and are used mostly for reconnaissance.
Nor did Reagan mention the ai
launched cruise missiles that the Carter
Administration had brought into pro-
duction at great cost to the taxpayer.
One argument against the В-52 is that
they аге supposed to be increasingly
vulnerable to Soviet ani t fire. Yet
when cruise missiles are installed on
those B-59s, the aging planes become
very effective launching platforms far
outside Soviet territory, beyond the range
of Soviet antiaircraft. power. No matter
who had won the 1980 election, those
airlaunched cruise missiles would have
been installed beginning in 198:

This fact prompted Hans Bethe, who
dismissed Reagan's charge that the Car-
ter Administration had somehow “dis-
armed" America, to note, "On the
contrary, the most important progress
weapons in the past decade, I would
say, was the cruise missile, which was
developed under Carter

Now 76, Bethe has continued working
on U.S. strategic weapons systems, from
the hydrogen bomb through anti-b.
ticmissile defenses, and helped design
the heat shield to protect ballistic m
siles as they re-enter the atmosphere. It
was, therefore, from a position of some
authority that he challenged Reagan's
vulnerability argument last winter, tell-
ing me:

“I don't think that either country is
going to make a first strike, because it
is absolutely crazy to do so. But suppose
there were a first strike from the Rus
sians, and suppose they could destroy
all our Minuteman missiles. It wouldn't.

firepower, that th

BENSON & HEDGES

Only 6mg

yet rich enough
to be called deluxe.
Regular and Menthol.

Open a box today.
B mg "tar," 0.6 mg nicotine av. per cigarette, by FTC method.

Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health.

© Philip Morris Inc. 1982

PLAYBOY

make the slightest difference. Would we
be defenseless? Not at all. We have the
submarine force with an
striking power.”

Bethe, as is his custom, referred to
careful notes he had made in prepa-
ration for our interview.

^I would like to state that there is no
deficiency in armaments in the U.S.,
that we don't need to catch up to the
Russians, that, if anything, the Russians
have to catch up to us. The Russians
have their forces mostly in ICBMs, a
type of weapon that is becoming more
and more vulnerable. I think our mili
tary people know this, but they always
talk about the vulnerability of our nu-
clear ICBMs and never talk about those
of the Soviets. The Russians are much
more exposed to a possible first strike
from us than we are to one from them.”

One who agrees with Bethe is Mc-
Namara. I asked him how it was pos-
le to argue that the Soviets could now
contemplate a first strike when the U.S.
was not able to pull that off at a time
of massive nuclear superiority, and he
replied:

"They no more have а firststrike
capability today than we had then. No
one has demonstrated to me that the
Soviets have a capability of destroying
our Minutemen. But even if they could
destroy our Minutemen, that doesn't
give them a fii rike capability, not
when they are facing our Polaris sub-
marines and our bombers. The other
two legs of the triad are still there. . . .
The argument is without foundation.
It's absurd."

enormous

POSTSCRIPT

I have referred to some of the men
now running our Government's foreign
policy as neohawks because they are
more ideological, more complex and bet-
ter informed in their advocacy of a hard
military line than the traditional “nuke
"ет" crowd. These men came to their
militarism not through a love of baule
or of the gadgetry of war or even
through a belief in the robust cleansing
effect of rough physical contact. They
are intellectuals who in their personal
demeanor hardly bring to mind Achi
les or Hector but, instead, reveal a fussy
polemical, hairsplitting intellectual style
that becomes only verbally violent

Eugene Rostow, Paul Nitze, Richard
Perle, Richard Pipes, who initiate policy
for the Rea Administration—who
write the position papers and the policy
options that are then funneled up the
chain of command that sets the pa-
rameters for the major decisions—most
of those men are academics or at home
in academic settings. As I have come to
know them, I have been struck by this
curious gap between the bloodiness of
their rhetoric and their apparent i
ability to visualize the physical con

318 sequences of what they advocate.

These neohawks refuse to acknowledge.
that reality. They want to threaten the
use of nuclear weapons at a time of
nuclear parity, when such a threat |сор-
ardires not only the enemy but one's
fellow citizens. For the significance of
parity is that both sides will be destroyed
if we really do get high enough up the
escalation ladder. To climb that ladder,
as Perle, for example, would like to do,
requires a fundamental alteration of the
most common view of nuclear war: that
it is ап unspeakable disaster that would
reduce both sides to ashes and destroy
civilization for longer than anyone cares
to contemplate—maybe forever.

These true believers in nuclcar-war
fighting, induding the President of the
U.S. and most of his key advisors, tell one
another what they want to hear: that
playing a game of nuclear chicken with
the Soviets is not as dangerous as it might
seem, for even in the worst case—even if
the Soviets don’t back off, even if they
don't submit to our nuclear pressure—the
resulting war will not be so bad; it can
be limited and civilization can bounce
back sooner or late

But it is one thing to talk oneself into
accepting that the nuclear-arms race and
the game of threat escalation are not so
dangerous and quite another to convince
ordinary voters to go along with this
madness. This is why in a time of nuclear
parity, when both sides are totally at risk,
our hawkish leaders invoke the chaste
vocabulary of vulnerability and deter-
rence rather than the blunt language of
death and disaster

Instead of going to the people and

ying, "Hey, listen, we want to get back
to the good old days of superiority.” they
pretend that we have actually fallen
behind and are simply trying to catch
up. Instead of talking openly about
nuclear-war fighting, as they did in the
first year of their Administration — before
their poll takers advised them to soften
their rhetoric—they now stress the need
for credible deterrence against the Soviet
nuclear-war fighters. But the neohawks
have already said and written too much
to conceal their true intentions.

If this attempt to deceive were simply
a matter of special-interest lobbying in
some relatively unimportant атса of our
national life, one might shrug and say,

So what's new about political chican-
2" But the danger is that those people
are dealing with more than commonplace
matters, even though most of the violence
has so far been verbal. Because of their
role in an Administration whose Pre:
dent sympathizes strongly with their
point of view, they have already pro-
foundly affected the commitment to new
weapons systems—systems that will make
the world far more dangerous—while at
the same time, they have abandoned the
possibility of arms control no matter how
many hours we are willing to spend in
negotiation with the Soviets.

The danger is that the Soviet Union
has no shortage of Perles and Nitzes of its
own who are cager to play the same
dangerous game—which is, after all, how
the nuclear-arms race has been sı ned
for all these decades, The race now has a
technological momentum of its own quite
apart from the likely excesses of its human
players. Consider a possible scenario: The
Soviets deploy the 58-20 in Europe in
response to what they claim is their vul-
nerability. We then deploy the Pershing
И missile in Western Europe, which сап
hit the Soviet Union in six minutes, so
the Russians must now go to launch on
warning, even if this assumes the risk that
the missiles will fly because some birds
happen to cross the radar screen—some-
thing that actually happened not long
ago over Alaska, when radar picked up a
flight of geese and the computer decided
they were missiles. Fortunately, on that
occasion, there was time for the computer
to correct the error.

Inevitably, in response to our own
technological achievements, the Soviets
will develop more threatening weapons
of their own and we will counter with
powerful and accurate missiles, and so
on, until the ideological obsessions that
have led to this political chaos end
where no one—not even Paul Nitze or
Richard Pipes—wants them to.

Early in this report, 1 described a
former CIA analyst who has never for-
gotten the birds that turned to cinders
as he observed them through the pulsing
thermal effect of a nuclear explosion
many years ago. This man has a son, and
t is what he thinks about when һе
thinks of that young man:

"You know, my son just joined the
Marine Corps. I don't know why he did
it. He went out and joined the Marine
Corps. And I think about him. He's a
very enthusiastic kid. Goddamn, he's full
of life, energy. And he really wants to be
a Marine. He wants to be a good Marine.
He's seriously involved in that stuff. He's
an expert marksman. He does hundreds
of push-ups, runs miles in a very few
minutes. And I think of him in a nuclear.
war. I try to personalize what that is like
according to the calculations that we do.

“I think of my son in a foxhole and
what he's experiencing as this nuclear
weapon goes off. And I'm comparing
what he's experiencing with what I've
seen of a nuclear weapon. Only he's up
dose—not like me, far away. . . . He's
right there; he's on the front lines. And
I'm saying to myself. ‘He's in serious
trouble” I can see a variety of things
that are going to happen to him, either
quickly or afterward, that are not pleas-
ant, And then I put myself back in this
theoretical, strategic stuff, where these
guys just calculate megatonnage. But my
son is fried."

a

SHARPNESS

Canons Quick-Focus System assures you of sharp

OUT OF FOCUS

Sharp, clear pictures. That's
what you expect from a high-qual-
ity camera, and that's what you get
with the amazing new Canon AL-1

The Ai features another
revolutionary Canon development:
the Quick-Focus System. As seen
in our sample photographs, the
bright Quick-Focus display in the
viewlinder assures you of sharp
pictures every time-electronically!
If you're out of focus, a red arrow
lights to show you which way to
turn the focusing ring for а sharper
picture. When you see a green
light you're in focus and ready to
shoot!

We can't imagine a faster,
simpler way to get sharp pictures.
Without guesswork. You'll be con-
fident you're getting just the shot

уои want-evenif you change 2

lenses! K
You can choose from -

nearly fifty Canon FD wide-

angle, telephoto and zoom

lenses that let you shoot a

broad panorama or bring

your subjects up close.

That's the best part of

owning a Canon AL-1.

pictures every üfne-eledronicälly!

“това Е]

ІН FOCUS-READY ТО 5НООТ!

Even though it’s so simple to use,
you can add lenses and accesso-
fies-even a power winder-to
shoot the kind of pictures you've
always wanted 1с take! The bright,
dear viewfinder shows exactly
what you'll get on film while the
Quick-Focus System assures that
every picture you take will be razor
sharp.

The AL-1 controls brightness
automatically, too, outdoors in sun-
light or shade and even indoors.

The Canon Speedlite 166A makes
flash photography just as conve-
nient. And just as simple.

The new Canon AL-1 isa
quality camera, built to the highest
standards of excellence and ready
for any type of photography.

Whether you're en eyeglass wearer

or have perfect 20/20 vision, you'll
appreciate the
extra confi-
dence provided
by the Canon

OUT OF FOCUS

Quick-Focus System.
When you invest in a quality
35mm SLR camera, you expect
sharp pictures. With the Canon
AL-1, you get what you pay for!

Canon
JALIL

ё 2 fl Quick Focus

Canon USA. Inc . One Canon Plaza,
Lake Success, New York 11042

Wow 60126 -
ма Norcross,
"3Paularino Avenue East,
Costa Mesa. ma 92626 « Bldg B-2.
1050 Ala Moana Bhd . Honolulu

начан 36614 « Ganen Canada, ine.. Oniano

=
2;
i
$
Ы
8
te

НЕ ANCHOR HEAVES. THE SHIP SWINGS eae
‘THE SAILS SWELL FULL. TO es TO
-THO'S BEDDOES 1830
AN OCEAN CRUISE SURE. MAKES YOU HORNY.
-LOVE BOAT 1482.
ANNIE AND Mdb: EXEC BENTON
Laude IND THEMSELVES EMBARKING
IN A PROMOTION-FREEBIE, THREE-DAY CRUISE p
TURED, LIKE OTHER ROMANTICS, БУ THE
ETERNAL CALL OF THE SEA, AND SOME HOT
TV EPISODES.

GOLLY, IT'S LIKE A
SCENE OUT OF LOVE BOAT...
DEDICATED COUPLES, RENEWING
THEIR VOWS... THINKING
TENDER THOUGHTS ABOUT
EACH OTHER

LADIES, TM R COME,
HERE TO ANSWER ANNIE, SWEET...
YOUR QUESTIONS. ELSE WE MISS THE
SHOP GET-AQUAINT-
х, І WAS
HOPING ТО CATCH \ |
UPON MY REST ӘУ THE POOL...BUT NOW fe ge
AND RELAXATION, _\ you MUST RUSH 7

FOR THE GIRLTALK-
ORAMA.

ГУЕ
ФОТ TO RUSHOFF
TO THE BATHROOM
ORAMA,

321

PLAYBOY

322

GET-AQUAINTORAMA
TIME! THIS GROUP TAKES
OFF PERSONAL ARTICLES
AND THROWS THEM IN
THE CENTER OF THE
FLOOR. THE OTHER GROUP
PICKS THE ARTICLES
BLIND AND DONS
THEM—

FANTASTIC
view?
ALL SIDES LIKE ELECTRIC
LIGHTS. YOU CAN ALMOST
REACH OUT AND
TOUCH THEM.

S THEN WE EAT. THEN
1 WOKE you à
50 THAT You WOULDN T PUSI WORKS тоо EGER UE E e
MISS THIS. THE T HARD AND | THE SLOT MACHINES!
CAPTAIN HAS OPENED THE ў PUSHES THE А THEN EAT! THEN -
WHEELHOUSE FOR WRONG (ane Aeg
INSPECTION. | j

EITHER
THE SHIP T DO you THINK

15 ROCKING ire TRUE THAT
WOMEN ARE TURNED TAKE OFF

PLEASE.

OR I THINK 1
LOVE YOU. OFFICERS ON BY UNIFORMS 7 THE BODY
ARE SO CUTE, AND GIVE
ME THE

DONT THESE
T-SHIRTS LOOK
MARVELOUS WET, ANNIE?
-UKE A COMBINATION
OF POLYESTER AND

HIS ACTIVITIES.
THAT'S AS |
BAD AS BEING
BACK IN THE
CRAZY
arty!

M

1 —
Fu- BOAT-. 'EOPLE

1 ACTIVITY

i

323

© 1982 Toyota Motor Sales USA, Inc
Toyota, world’s leading maker
of economical cars, proudly an-
nounces their newest, most
economical line — the 1983 Tercels.

Priced low. Economical to maintain.

And great on gas — 50 Estimated
Highway MPG (39 EPA Estimated
MPG on the 3-Door**

Economy is only the begin-
ning of the new Tercel story The
deeper you go. the more exciting
the good news gets.

The new front-wheel drive
Tercel 3-Door Liftback offers you a
peppy 15 liter SOHC engine.
Teamed with animproved 4-speed
synchromesh transmission — for

better low speed performance.
MacPherson strut front and rear
suspension. And power-assisted
brakes. New for '83, you can even
get a 3-speed automatic overdrive
transmission on most models.

Inside, Tercels interior design
makes it the roomiest subcompact
you can buy*** With added head
room. And improved visibility.
Naturally, you also get the ameni-
ties Toyota is famous for. From
fully reclining front bucket seats.
To steering-column mounted con-
trols. And with the 5-Door Deluxe
Liftback you get extra roominess
and even easier access.

INTRODUCING TERCEL—
THE MOST ECONOMICAL TOYOTA. BUT
THAT'S JUST THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG.

OH WHATA FEELING!

Tercel for 83. A totally new
standard of economy. From the
top to the bottom line. 54998!

“ Manulacturers suggested retail price-Tercel
1-Door Liftback Dealers actual retail price may
vary Price does not include tax. license. transporta-
tion. optional or regionally required equipment

~ Remember Compare this estimate to the EPA
Estimated MPG" of other gasoline-powered cars
with manual transmission You may get different
mileage depending on how last you drive, weather
conditions and trip length, Actual highway mileage
will probably be less than the "Highway Estimate
5 Subcompact car class as delined by EPA

BUCKLE UP—ITS A GOOD FEELING!

WHAT'S HAPPENING, WHERE IT'S HAPPENING AND WHO'S MAKING ІТ HAPPEN

GIFTS,
LAY IT ON THE LADIES

holiday kiss on your girlfriend's hand may be quite
Continental, but come December 26, those same
fingers are going to be waving goodbye unless
the Santa in her life has something more material-
istically endearing in his pack. So, to simplify your Christmas

No chestnuts r
open fire for thi
she’s opted for a 70” x 46” cryst
dyed blue-fox throw, from
Marcus, $
object boun
sewn all
0

ding two lacquered m.
5 each, andan 18.

shopping, we've assembled a number of presents perfect
for the fair sex. Of course, truly wise men will trade the
tree-and-tinsel scene for a Caribbean cruise or a slow train
to. China. And if the yule present you unwrap looks any-
thing like the lady here, well, God rest ye merry, gentlemen.

E SPIRITOF LOVE, _ ж
IRITOFTHE У,

үү,

ГАМАВЕТТО DI nn ee

LIQUEURS PROOF SOLE U.S DISTRI

РАЗНОМ
AIR-LEATHER FORECA

he hidebound concept that leatherwear is tradition- weight outerwear jacket that will be wearable well into
ally black or brown is changing as designers in- spring. Whether it’s the classic short blouson updated
creasingly treat leather as they would a fabric and with many pockets, the newer longer-waisted blouson or
dye the hides jazzy shades that would eclipse even a thigh-length drawstring model, the touch of color adds
a Western sunset. Since we're just getting into winter, new sparkle to the skin game. And the looks go as well
your wisest move would be to put your money on a light- with sweaters as they do with bow ties. —DAVIO PLATT

Top: An aniline-leather bomber jacket with a stand-up collar and four zippered pockets, by John Weitz for Ideal, about $210; shown

polyester short-sleeved shirt, by Hathaway Кай Classics for Jack Nicklaus, $19.50; and a striped wool tie, by Vicky Davis, $13.50. Above left: We
combined a three-quarter-length plonge leather jacket with drawstring waist, by Gary E. Miller Associates for Carapace, $700; an acrylic/wool
crew-neck, by Robert Bruce, about $36; and a cotton/polyester shirt, by Halston, $26. Above right: A leather blouson jacket with raglan sleeves,

by Giorgio Armani, $575; a striped cotton flannel shirt, from British Khaki by Robert Lighton, $45; and a silk Jacquard bow tie, by Vicky Davis, $10. 327

PLAYBOY

328 |

all Light
Mind m. tar
than the leading
" filter king, and
till great taste.

Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined
That Cigarette Smoking 15 Dangerous to Your Health.

г

RICHARD nu

Above right: At that next sales meet-
ing or high-level conference, throw a
little light on your growth charts with
The Laser Pointer, a hand-held helium-
neon laser that can project a power-
ful but harmless red spot for several
hundred feet in broad daylight, from
RMF Products, Batavia, Illinois, $800.

Right: Looking for a new way to light
up? Raise the top of thisbattery-pow-
ered butane pocket lighter and pass

ler tip through the tiny beam
visible in the opening on the side of
the case. Voila! You have instant spark
as many as 15,000 times, by Colibri,
$195, including an extra battery.

GADGETS
ON THE BEAMS

Right: The battery-powered Super QXL-Lite
is waterproof down to 2000 feet and is
capable of throwing a pure-white beam for
up to 30 hours, has an unbreakable case,
from Fhe Yak Works, Seattle, $19.95.

Left: The superbright and swivelable Hal-
ogen Service Spot, which plugs into your
car's lighter, attaches magnetically to any
metal surface and can be hand held for
night mapreading, from BMW, about $50.

Above: The Super Ear distant-sound detector
is acoustically engineered for amplified sound
gathering (you can hear the beating of a duck's
wings 400 yards away); the unit comes in its
own carrying case and includes earphones,
sound gun and a battery, from Link Lab-
oratories, Kansas City, Missouri, $135.

Left: For wireless headphone listening, Senn-
heiser Electronic Corporation is offering a
compact set that picks up your stereo signals
via an infrared beam relayed by a transmitter
unit (not shown) that plugs into a stereo head-
phone jack; the line-of-sight transmission
range is about 200 square feet, $516 for both.

Congressional Aides

We would have given a couple of bucks to be in on this conversation. With
only Elizabeth Ray of the famous troika missing (she was probably taking a
typing test somewhere), it’s kind of titillating to think of the secrets to which
RITA JENRETTE (left) and FANNE FOXE (right) may be privy. After all, they
were both close to reliable sources.

TheMelon

Foundation

Last August, MARILYN DANIEL J. TRAVANTI is lots of people: To Joyce, he's Pizza
MICHAELS got silly on the Man; to Phil, he’s Francis; and to the rest of us, he's the glue
pages of PLAYBOY, and it’s that holds the first-rate Hill Street Blues regulars together. In
clear that the experience case you can't read it, Travanti’s button says, IM ALMOST FAMOUS.
hasn't made hercamera-shy. Our captain's too modest.

We know when to bow to a
master: She’s the celebrity
۱ breast of the month—
hands, er, under.

Two’s Company

Jack Tripper’s most recent roommate, PRISCILLA BARNES, has
settled into the Three’s Company apartment, and the show's going
strong in the ratings. This roommate has a job (she’s a nurse) and
apretty classy hobby (the violin), too. Those details make for a
touch of the real world—but not too real. Barnes can lake our
pulse or tap our fiddle any time.

"ENS

Another Vote for E.R.A.

Well, the joke'son all of us: Actor DUSTIN HOFFMAN makes an unusually
attractive woman in his upcoming film Tootsie, co-starring Charles Durning,
Jessica Lange and Teri Garr. Judging from this photo, though, we think he’s
getting tired of hearing it. In case you've missed all the publicity, Tootsie’s
in drag. Eat your heart out, boys.

low Key

This photo gives new meaning to the
words get down. ELTON’s bullish on
performing again, and his latest
American tour sold out—some-
thing for which other rock

acts would trade their

jeans. A fitting trib-

ute to the master

oí flash.

Looking for
aSmooth
Landing
LAURENE LANDON,
is getting ready to
take off in Airplane II: `
The Sequel with the j
old crew: Robert

Hays, Julie Hagerty
and Lloyd Bridges. If
they've saved some
laughs for part two,
we predict a perfect —

touchdown for this 2
fanciful flight.

гонат

ЕЛДІ

RH

332

ts western Sahara eB

TESTOSTERONE AND FROGS
AND SNAILS AND
PUPPY-DOG TAILS

Some recent studies have sought to
determine how much distinctly male
or female behavior is innate and how
much is learned. Two Cornell Uni-
versity biochemists have shed some
interesting light on gender identity.
Testosterone, you will recall, is that
not-too-subtle hormone that kicks in
about the time a fellow goes through
puberty. Drs. Julianne Imperato-Mc-
Ginley and Ralph Peterson have been
studying an unusual postpuberty pop-
vlation in the Dominican Republic.

All the individuals they

os the result of e,
‘the adm
_ protesting бе эйт

serra. огаш

ueri PRESENTS.

YTHM &

studied had
experienced a rare disorder known
as pseudohermaphroditism. They had
been born with what appeared to be
the genitalia of girls but developed
into young men at puberty.

Of the 18 studied, 16 had changed
their gender identity and sex role to
male with the onset of puberty. Desert-
ing their female rearing, they took on
male mannerisms, attitudes and sexual
tendencies. The researchers said that
the change in behavior had not come
about through urging from peers or
family; in fact, peers and family had
encouraged some to maintain their
female identity.

The researchers believe that a certain
amount of sexual-behavior imprintin;
by testosterone occurs in the womb.
Sometimes, an enzyme deficiency inter-
feres with development of the geni-
talia and the anomaly described above
is produced. During puberty, when
large amounts of testosterone are pres-
ent, the male genitalia develop.

Drs. Imperato-McGinley and Peter-
son, with Berkeley biochemist Dr. Ced-
ric Shackleton, have devised a method

SEX NEWS

of detecting whether or not an infant
with ostensibly female genitalia has
been imprinted in the womb as a male.
It detects certain steroids that are pro-
duced by enzymes during the womb's
masculinizing process, thereby making
it possible to raise a pseudohermaph-
rodite male as a boy from infancy. After
all, puberty is a rough enough time.

HANDY CAP

A very promising new birth-control
device for women is the result of a
lunchtime conversation. Gynecologist
Uwe Freese complained to dentist Rob-

ert Goepp that there just
wasn’t a well-fitting

bet
меке ы
feet was like
ofair. 1 сош
relief was trulv
‘And just or
learned th”

This engaging adver-
lisement recently
appeared in Los
Angeles papers, lur-
ing adventurers to an
evening of whal pro-
ducer Suzann Schott
is Rhythm & Booze

mer & Sex. Schott in-

on abe hel ан vented this ultimate
milion Amer happy hour that
with foot per enterprisingly mates
stripping and booze
with rock 'n' roll.
Funky as the show is,
the strippers don't
interact with the
band. Guess that’s
what groupies are for.

cervical cap on the
market. Dr. Goepp suggested using
denture-fitting techniques for a snug-
fitting contraceptive and—voila!—an-
other tax-deductible meal. The lunch
led to the incorporation of Contracap,
a Schaumburg, Illinois, firm that makes
the device of the same name. Here’s
how it works;

Like other cervical caps and dia-

SEXUAL-REVOLUTION SURVIVOR TIP
NUMBER 437: A reader has sent in the
button shown above. Worn properly (left),
it plugs Snuff, a new Elektra/Asylum rock

band. But inverted (right), he warns, the

message becomesan to kinky sex.

phragms, the Contracap prevents
sperm from entering the uterus, but it
differs dramatically from other caps
for two reasons. It is custom-fitted,
creating a better seal against sperm,
and it has a one-way valve that allows
uterine fluids, including menstrual
flow, to pass through it without letting
in sperm. Therefore, it can be worn
continuously for up to a year.

The initial step in obtaining a Con-
tracap is to have a mold of the cervix
taken by a doctor. The device is manu-
factured to the exact specifications of
the mold. The resultant close fit makes
it possible for the wearer to forget that
the cap is even there.

The manufacturers hope to obtain
FDA approval to market Contracap in
the U.S. by 1984. During early testing,
some pregnancies occurred because of
cap dislodgments, but the company
has made design changes that promise
to make the cap dislodgment-proof.
In order to obtain FDA approval,
Contracap will have to document the
device's rate of safety and effectiveness,
which may compete with the l. U. D. and
the pill. This could be the biggest
news in birth control since the pill. 2

Frequent Sex News photography contributor Ace Burgess’ beat involves him in some of the

Damon Runyonesque exp:
with us in a new postcarı

iences of our culture. Now he's decided to share some of them
. The cards— three of them shown below—are $1 apiece or $8

per assorted dozen from Aces Angels, 6715 Delongpre Avenue, Los Angeles, California 90028.

OMY BEUSPAPER THAT PUTS YO

NOSIGVW e

/ CSS چک‎
When you spend $10,000 to $20,000 for an automobile, you shouldn't feel Же youve had to ‚Smprormise.
Naturally, а car must satisfy all your practical needs, but there are other considerations. >
Таке the 1983 Saab APC Turbo. Intellectually, you'll be impressed with the logie f its front-wheel drive, its four
wheel disc brakes, its active and passive safety features, not to mention its-53 cübie feet af luggage Space

As for the more visceral pleasures, the first time you feel the APC-turbocharger kick ir
once, the car you need can also be the car you want. Saabs range iî prick from 510-757 for the
900 3-door 5-speed to $16,910 for the 900 4-door 5-speed APC Turbo. Manufacturers suggested ^.
retail price. Not including taxes, license, freight, dealer charges or options; ue mgst intelligent car ever built.

you'lLrealize:that, for

PLAYBOY

334

ВЕЙАНЕ
о
all-in-one

tape care
products.

[e >)

Sometimes they try
todotoo much!

The Discwasher tape care philos-
ophy two specific problems re-
quire two separate products.

The Discwasher® Perfect Paths is
designed to thoroughly clean tape
heads, restoring true sounds.

The Discwasher® C.P.R. = is engi-
neered to clean the critical drive
system of your cassette deck, pre-
venting tapes from being “eaten”

Discwasher, the world leader іп rec-
ord care technology. now offers un-
paralleled tape care.

For your Iree copy of "Guide to Tape Care" write:

discwasher

1407 NORTH PROVIDENCE ROAD
P.O. BOX 6021, DEPT. PL
COLUMBIA, MO 65205 USA

А DIVISION OF JENSEN an ESMARK Company

SPECIAL ISSUE $3.50

NEXT MONTH:

Е. 1. DOCTOROW RE-EXAMINES THE BOOK THAT SCARED THE PANTS
OFF US IN 1950 TO SEE HOW CLOSE GEORGE ORWELL CAME TO AN
ACCURATE FORECAST OF THE FUTURE—"APPROACHING 1984"

STEPHEN KING WEAVES A SUPERNATURAL STORY ABOUT A CONTEM-
PORARY GENIE OUT OF THE ВСТТІ.Е--“ТНЕ WORD PROCESSOR"

ISAAC BASHEVIS SINGER SPINS A YARN ABOUT A YOUNG WRITER'S
ATTEMPT TO EDIT A MANUSCRIPT FOR AN OLDER POLISH JEW IN "WHY
HEISHERIK WAS BORN”

GEORGE HURRELL, ONE OF HOLLYWOOD'S MOST CELEBRATED GLAMOR
PHOTOGRAPHERS, REMINISCES ABOUT SOME OF HIS FAVORITE SUBJECTS
AND TAKES ON AN ENVIABLE NEW ASSIGNMENT—PLAYBOY'S PLAYMATE
OF THE YEAR, SHANNON TWEED

DAN GREENBURG AND SUZANNE O'MALLEY COME TO GRIPS WITH A
PROBLEM THAT HAS PERSISTED THROUGH THE MILLENNIA: "HOW TO
SURVIVE THE HOLIDAYS WITH YOUR PARENTS”

G. GORDON LIDDY, OF ALL PEOPLE, TURNS OUT TO HAVE A TERRIFIC
SENSE OF HUMOR-WHICH HE SHARES WITH US IN "TEN THINGS THAT
MAKE ME LAUGH"

DUDLEY MOORE TALKS ABOUT HIS LONG-PLAYING CAREER, HIS FAVOR-
ITE MOVIE ROLES AND THE BEAUTIFUL WOMEN IN HIS LIFE IN A FREE-
WHEELING PLAYBOY INTERVIEW

THOMAS MC GUANE INTRODUCES US TO A MAN AT THE END OF HIS
TETHER IN “LIKE A LEAF”

PETER KAPLAN LIMNS A PORTRAIT OF THE HOTTEST NEW COMIC ON THE
SHOWBIZ SCENE, SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE'S EDDIE MURPHY

GABRIEL GARCIA MARQUEZ DRAWS US INTO A SURREALISTIC TALE
WITH “THE TRAIL OF YOUR BLOOD ON THE SNOW™

DAVID STANDISH AND JERRY SULLIVAN TAKE US ON A TRIP TO THE
WONDERFUL WORLD OF “FREDERICK'S OF THE YUKON”

“PLAYBOY'S PLAYMATE REVIEW"; CHARLES МАНТІСМЕТТЕ 5 PORT-
FOLIO OF EROTIC ART; LITTLE ANNIE FANNY DIPS HER TOE (AND THE
REST ОҒ HER) INTO A HOT TUB; RESULTS OF THE PLAYBOY QUESTION-
NAIRE; “THAT WAS THE YEAR THAT WAS”; “THE ELEVENTH-HOUR SAN-
ТА"; "DESIGNERS' CHOICE," BY DAVID PLATT; AND MUCH MORE.

PLAYBOY INTERVIEWS WITH ROBERT
MITCHUM, JIMMY CONNORS, SISSY SPACEK AND GABRIEL GARCIA MAR-
QUEZ; PICTORIAL UNCOVERAGE OF "THE GIRLS OF ASPEN,” “THE GIRLS ОҒ
SPAIN” AND, FROM THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF 007, “THE BOND BEAU-
TIES"; HODDING CARTER ІП ASSESSES THE EFFECTS OF REAGANISM;
ROY BLOUNT JR. PONDERS THE VAGARIES OF SALARIES AND DECIDES
“THE PRICE AIN'T RIGHT’; LAURENCE GONZALES AND ROBERT KUPPER-
MAN OFFER A CHILLING LOOK AT “THE TERRORIST THREAT AGAINST
AMERICA"; ANSON MOUNT PASSES “20 QUESTIONS” TO HERSCHEL
WALKER; ANDREW TOBIAS SHARES HIS FINANCIAL EXPERTISE IN HIS
COLUMN “QUARTERLY REPORTS”; WILLIAM F. BUCKLEY, JR., 0. KEITH
MANO, LEONARD MICHAELS AND LARRY L. KING, IN THEIR SEVERAL
WAYS, DEFINE “STYLE”; NORMAN MAILER TAKES US TO EGYPT IN THE
TIME OF THE PHARAOHS IN TWO EXCERPTS FROM HIS NEW NOVEL,
“ANCIENT EVENINGS"; AND WE BRING YOU FICTIONAL OFFERINGS FROM
AMIRI BARAKA, DONALD E. WESTLAKE AND ROBERT SILVERBERG.

Regular, 1 mg. "tar", O. 2 mg. nicotine
av. per cigarette, ЕТС Report Dec. Bl.

C 152 BAWT Co

f

*

ыз

FTO,
tum

1MGTAR
Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health.

99% tar free.

Seven Сто

Ж

^ Start wit p [all day.

Add good friends and the great t J
to stir sensibly. Then settle back and let the good times roll.

1982 SEAGRAM DISTILLERS СО NYC. AMERICAN WHISKEY-A '00F
à С AMERICAN WHISKEY-A Bi |
-A BLEND 80 PRI

Coca Coda and Coke” а
Cole" are registered trademarks ol The CocaCola C
af The Coca Cola Company