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DYNASTY STAR 
PAMELA 
BELLWOOD 


"GOES NATIVE 


IN AN EXOTIC, 
EXCLUSIVE 
PICTORIAL 


PAUL 
NEWMAN 
AT HIS 
FUNNIEST 
AND SADDEST: 
A VERY FRANK 
PLAYBOY 
INTERVIEW 


20 QUESTIONS 
WITH 
BASKETBALL'S 
STREET-SMART 
ORACLE: 

AL MCGUIRE 


APRIL 1983 • $3.00 


NORMAN 


MAILER'S 
WILD NEW 
NOVEL OF 


ANCIENTEGYPT 


PART ONE: 


A SOLDIER IN 


THE HAREM 


LADIES 
OF SPAIN 
TEN PAGES 

OF SPICY 
SEÑORITAS 


SEX, DOPE AND 
MURDER-THE 
LIFE AND 

BAD TIMES OF 
PORN STAR 
JOHN HOLMES 


SAIWAYS WEAR A HELMET AND EYE PROTECTION. Specifications and availability subject to. 
change without Natier (194? meritan -londa Motor Co, Ifc. For a free brochure, sec your Honda dealer: 
ES Ûr write: American Honda, Dept, 412, Tox 9000, Van Nuys, CA 0100. 


iff a 
\ Ё | 1 | 


WITH THIS 
KIND OF POWER, 
IT'S TOUGH 
TO KEEPA 
LOW PROFILE. 


Its easy to confuse a low profile 
with modesty. But in the case of this 
new street-custom motorcycle, the 
Shadow" 750, theres just not much 
to be modest about. 

True, this lean machine does 
have a low profile. So low that when 
you straddle its narrow 45? V-twin 
engine, settle into the custom seat 
and grip the graceful swept-back 
bars, youre sitting less than 30 inches 
off the street. 

But if you want the real low- 
down on why the Shadow 750 makes 
other V-twins pale by comparison, 
theres only one thing to talk about. 

Power. 

And thats what this motorcycle 
is taking to the streets. 

Our exclusive three-valve, twin 
plug cylinder heads enable the 
Shadow 750 to run a high 9.8 to 1 
compression ratio and develop an 
incredible 49 ft/lbs of torque at 
6000 rpm. That means theres plenty 
of power whenever you need it. 


A unique offset, dual-pin crank- 
shaft allows the engine to achieve 
perfect primary balance. This elimi- 
nates primary vibration. And neatly 
solves a problem that still gives other 
V-twin manufacturers the shudders. 

The Shadows liquid-cooling 
system makes its power output far 
more consistent than that of air- 
cooled V-twins. And it has a smooth 
five-speed plus overdrive sixth 
transmission, coupled to a virtually 
maintenance-free shaft drive. 

Most impressive of all, the 
Shadow 750 is equipped with revo- 
lutionary Hydraulic Valve Adjusters. 
A system that keeps the engine in 
a crisp state of"just tuned" perform- 
ance, while eliminating valve adjust- 
ment for the life of the machine. 

The Shadow 750. Its profile says 
one thing. Power. 


HONDA 


FOLLOW THE LEADER 


CLOTHES YOU HAVE TO WEAR VS. 
CLOTHES YOU LOVE TO WEAR. 


The way we figure it, clothes you have to wear make up about half of your 
wardrobe. 

It's suits, and sports jackets, and shirts, and ties, and certain styles of shoes. 

These are all clothes that, because of business requirements or social functions, 
you have to wear. Whether you feel like it or not. 

But it's the other half of your wardrobe that we're interested in, 

It's the clothes that you can't wait to get into when you can't wait to get out of 
the clothes you have to wear. 

It's your jeans that go back to a time when jeans were called dungarces. After 
all these years, they still look and fit better than anything else you own. 

It's shirts, and chinos, and crew necks, and leather belts, and corduroy jackets 
that have one thing in common: They've stood the test of timc. 

It's into this category that we place Timberland" handsewns. Which, you'll find, 
also get better over time. 

The leathers, like any fine leathers, acquire a patina, making them softer and even 
more supple. 

Then there's Timberland's handsewn moccasin construction, rare in this world of 
cookie-cutter production. This construction allows the shoes to form around your feet, 
making them so comfortable that you'll hold on to and enjoy them year after year. 

Oh, don't get us wrong. 

You'll like your Timberland’s when you buy them. You're just going to like them a 


whole lot more after you wear them. And wear them. And wear them. 
e e 
та хе 


The Timberland Company, PO, Box 370, Newmarket, New Hampshire 03857 


Available at: Bloomingdale's and Open Country 


JAN OD 993190 LIIVI ¿0084 OF 


Now that you're ready for a change of pace 
it’s time to try John Jameson. 


Take asip of John Jameson. Note the light, delicate taste. 
Luxurious and smooth as you would expect a premium whiskey to be. 
But with a distinctive character all its own. Set a new pace 
for yourself. Step ahead of the crowd with John Jameson, the 
world's largest selling Irish Whiskey. 


PLAYBILL 


WE CAN THINK of no better month than April, when the earth 
renews itself, to introduce Norman Mailers carthy new novel, 
Ancient Evenings (to be published by Little, Brown). Mailer, 
who merits the royal title “major American writer," takes his 
unique perception and intelligence from the 20th Century, where 
he has paid his dues, to the intrigues and the pleasures of an- 
cient Egypt. In our first of two installments (illustrated by Ivan 
Punchatz), Mailer introduces us to Menenhetet, a soldier as- 
signed to the nerve-racking job of guarding a 100-woman harem. 

A guy who no doubt could have a 100-woman harem but has 
spurned the fast life for the quiet pleasures of marriage and hard 
work is Paul Newman, the subject of this month's Playboy Inter- 
view, by Peter Greenberg. Not that Newman has avoided the fast 
track, vou understand; he discusses his love for auto racing and 
for his wife, actress Joanne Woodward. He also speaks frankly 
about his son's death by drug-and-liquor overdose, his early 
carcer (director Josh Logan told him he wasn't enough ofa "sex- 
ual threat" to play the lead in Picnic) and his prankster rela- 
tionship with Robert Redford. 

Another sex symbol, of a different sort, is John “Johnny Wadd” 
Holmes, the porn star whose outstanding performances had been 
below the waist until he was arrested in 1981 on charges of 
involvement in the murders of four people in Laurel Canyon, 
California. In The Harder They Fall, Al Goléstein, the iconoclastic 
editor and publisher of Screw magazine, chronicles the bizarre 
events surrounding the case and the ultimate release of a man 
whose “manly proportions" Goldstein had admittedly envied for 
years. The piece is illustrated by Tom James. 

Of course, a tape is no measure of a man—unless, perhaps, 
you're talking about the tapes used to measure performances in 
track-and-field sports. These days, to be champion performers 
in almost any sport, men (and women) have to push their hearts 
and bodies to the absolute limit of pain and endurance—and 
then go beyond. Mark Kram, in The Ultimate Athlete (illustrated by 
Will Nelson), confronts the question, What are the ultimate limits 
of the human body? While the limits of the body may fascinate 
many, the limits of the psyche have been a major preoccupation 
of Jules Feiffers. His inimitable drawings have, for decades, illu- 
minated our national neuroses in PLAYBoy’s pages and elsewhere. 
As Feiffer has grown, so have his characters, Two of his most 
memorable, Bernard and Hucy, resume their pointed and poign- 
ant dialog for us this month. 

We call your attention as well to the three fabulous pictorials 
in this issue. One, of course, reveals our Playmate of the Month, 
Christina Ferguson. We also take a provocative look at the Ladies of 
Spain (photographed by Staff Photographer Pompeo Posar, with 
help from Associate Photography Editor Jonice Moses and make- 
up artist Barbara Camp), who, since the end of the Franco era of 
repression, have joined the sexual revolution with a vengeance 
And, finally, you'll love our intimate peek at actress Pamela Bell- 
wood, who was one of the better reasons to watch the prime-time 
television hit Dynasty. Contributing Photographer Richard Fegley 
brings out several sides of Pam that you won't see on the tube as 
she plays a jungle princess among the Masai of Kenya. 

Speaking of tubes, that's what the economy seems headed 
down. John Tierney has a batch of tongue-in-cheek solutions to the 
current recession (which some already call a depression) in 
A WPA for the Eighties. To round out the issue, Bill Zehme slam 
dunks 20 Questions on former college basketball coach and 
street-smart TV commentator Al McGuire, and Fashion Director 
David Platt flaunts some sporty looks in his annual Playboy's 
Spring and Summer Fashion Forecast. Last, but not least, we 
bring you Playboy Music ‘83, our survey of the best and the worst 
during 1982, featuring a behind-the-scenes look, by Vic Garbarini, 
at the notorious Who band members on their last tour. If the 
month of April itself doesn't bring you out of the winter dol- 
drums, this issue is the perlect antidote. Read on. 


— 


PUNCHATZ 


GOLDSTEIN 


FEIFFER 


| FEGLEY 


ZEHME 


381, VOL. 30, жо 4 PUBLISHED MONTHLY ат PLAYBOY IN NATIONAL AMD REGIONAL EDITIONS PLAYBOY BLOG. 919 н MICHIGAN AVE , CHGO ILL бов! 
PAT CHOO ILL. а AT ADDL MAILING OFFICES SUBS IN IME NS S2! FOR 12 ISSUES POSTMASTER. SEND FORM 3879 TO PLAYBOY, РО BOR 420. BOULDER, COLO 46301. 


PLAYBOY 


vol. 30, no. 4—april, 1983 


CONTENTS FOR THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE 


Dynasty's Dazzler 


Motorcycle Madness 


Special Señoritas 


PLAYBILL 5 

THE WORLD OF PLAYBOY . 13 

DEAR PLAYBOY . . 15 

PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS _.......................... 23 
The Networks Fight Back; Checking In with Jeff Bridges. 

26 


; we meet detective 


MUSIC TOD SE E A 30 
The Stray Cats make nouveau rock-a-billy hot; a 1 litle help “for Charlie 
Daniels from his friends (us). 


MOVIES nt „МЫМ. чек Га e EI Ба 36 
A month with Robert De Niro, Jon Voight and Robert Duvall on the 
screen—in separate pictures—can't be all bad. 


¡COMING / ATTRACTIONS ЕЕЕ 44 
Valley Girl meets Romeo and Juliet (sorry, Will); fun and games with the 
weapons industry. 


[THEIPPAYBOY/ADVISOR a 49 
IDEARIPLAYMATES E SSE OEE PO LN ast ices EIS 55 
(THE PLAYBOYJFORUM Ec oca Ас А RT 57 
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: PAUL NEWMAN—candid conversation 65 


Fresh from a phenomenal case called The Verdict, one of the world's favor- 
ite actors finds himself winning more often than Perry Mason ever did. 
His honds are cool os ever, whether wrapped around a con of Bud or the 
wheel of a racing machine. He speaks frankly about wife Joanne 
(Woodward— you've heard of her, too), his son's death by drug overdose 
and the stings he stages with that other good-lookin' idol—the one with 
the sandy hair. 


ANCIENT EVENINGS—fiction . -... NORMAN MAILER 78 
In this excerpt from his long-awaited Egyptian novel,” our most con- 
troversial major novelist begins his speculctions on life, death and rein- 
carnation in a land full of sand and mysterious gods. Menenhetet, a 
soldier in the Egyptian army, gets the tempting and terrifying job of 
guarding Pharaoh's harem. In the process, he finds himself involved 
with o little queen of the Nile. 


GOING NATIVE—pictoricl .............. 84 
Pamela Bellwood is Dynasty's Claudia Blaisdel, but you ln never see her 
this way on TV. At least, not unless the network liberolizes its standards 
ond lands an affiliate in Kenya. 


THE HARDER THEY FAll—article .................. .. AL GOLDSTEIN 94 
Editor and publisher of Screw and ubiquitous gremlin of the sexual 
scene, the author always envied the equipment of John C. "Johnny 
Wadd” Holmes. Then porn's biggest stud went on triol in a murder case, 
and Goldstein found that more than Holmes's feet was made of cloy. 


COVER STORY 

Н didn't toke a Congressional committee to uncover this month's cover story. 
We caught model Corry Lee in our lingerie department and found that Art Director 
Tom Stoebler was behind both the plot and the camera. Have you ferreted out the. 
hidden Robbit Heod yet? Maybe there isn't one. It could be on April Fools' joke. On 
the other hand... . 


CHRISTINA'S WORLD—playboy’s playmate of the month ...... KC 102 
Miss Ferguson is no painting by Wyeth. She's art of a more kinetic kind, 
ond anyone who wants to keep up will find thot—like lightning—she 
never seems to light up the same ploce twice: 


PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES—humor ea E 116 
PLAYBOY'S SPRING AND 
SUMMER FASHION FORECAST—attire ..... se DAVID PLATT 119 


It's no sweat for our heavyweight of haute couture to make the picks to 
keep you slick when the hot months roll around. 


THE ULTIMATE ATHLETE—article co МАВКІКРАМИ25 
With Bob Beomor's “impossible” long-jump record in danger of falling, 
will we soon see records that are made never to be broken? Here's a 
Krom course on the final frontiers of athletic achievement: Tomorrow's 


stars may kick 80-yard field goals, toss 150-mph fastballs and run two- х 
hour marathons. But they may not be human. NA 
Fashion Forecost 
PERSONAL BEST—accouterments ......... Frog TOE "2126 
Gifts for the man who needs to have it all. 
А WPA FOR THE EIGHTIES—humor................... JOHN TIERNEY 129 


Why not a national Wor on Horniness or a Tuxes for Tots Program? If un- 
employment gets any worse, maybe we'll see a nationwide Tennessee 
Valley Authority, or some dom thing like thot. 


20 QUESTIONS: AL MC GUIRE pe A E Maca c 132 
The man who took Marquette to the N.C - title and Billy Packer to the 
mat gets 20 free shots at the burning questions of the day. Such os: How 
come today's cheerleoders offer so mony provocative places you'd like to. 
hong your hot? 


BERNARD AND HUEY—satire ........................ JULES FEIFFER 135 


LADIES OF SPAIN—pictorial ..... Soros aui cti 136) 
In which some of the most beoutiful women on any continent provide 
good reasons for the abolition of the Spanish fly. 


PEAYBOY.MUSIG/B3— оуу 148 
15 The Who through? We sent Vic Garborini, managing editor of Musician 
magazine, to find out, ond he brought back the word according to Town- 
shend, Daltrey, Entwistle and Jones. Plus: Results of this year's Music Poll 
ond the induction of an aging outlaw into the Playboy Music Hall of 


Record Burning 


Fame. 
PLAYBOY FUNNIES—humor............ dum ono sido nes eoo 159) 
PLAYBOY POTPOURRI TR SE EES E sse TEE 


Werk Study 


Smooth and easy partners, 
Leroux Peppermint Schnapps 
and crisp chilled beer. The 
glow of the schnapps with the 
icy cold of the brew is smooth 
and easy all the way, uniquely 
delicious. Discover the drink 
that's sweeping the country. 
And always ask for Leroux. 
Its great natural taste always 


Once you've 
tasted Leroux 

no other schnapps 
will do. 


en 


RUSO ROTO BY LER CO. KU o zu 


PLAYBOY 


HUGH M. HEFNER 
editor and prublisher 


NAT LEHRMAN associate publisher 


ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director 
TOM STAEBLER art director 
DON GOLD managing editor 
GARY COLE photography director 
G. BARRY GOLSON executive editor 


EDITORIAL 

ARTICLES: JAMES MORGAN edilor; ROB FLEDER 
associate editor; FICTION: ALICE К. TURNER 
editor; TERESA GROSCH asociate editor; WEST 
COAST: steric RANDALL editor; STAFF: wit 
LIAM J. HELMER, GRETCHEN MC NEESE PATRICIA 
PAPANGELIS (administration), DAVID STEVENS 
senior editors; ROBERT E CARR, WALTER LOWE, JR. 
JAMES R. PETERSEN senior staff wrilers; KEVIN 
СООК, BARBARA NELLIS, KATE NOLAN, J P 
O'CONNOR, JOHN REZEK associate editors; SUSAN 
MARGOLIS WINTER associate new york editor; 
DAVID NIMMONS assistant editor; MODERN LIV- 
ING: ED WALKER asociate edilor; JIM BARKER 
assistant editor; FASHION: DAVID PLATT director; 
MARLA SCHOR assistant editor; \RTOONS: 
MICHELLE URRY edilor; COPY: ARLENE BOURAS 
JOYCE RUBIN assistant editor; NANCY 
CAROLYN BROWNE, JACKIE JOHNSON. 
MARCY MARCHI, BARI LYNN NASH, DAVID TARDY 
MARY ZION researchers; CONTRIBUTING EDI- 
TORS: ASA BABER, JOHN BLUMENTHAL, LAU. 
RENCE GONZALES, LAWRENCE GROBEL, ANSON 
MOUNT, PETER ROSS RANGE, DAVID RENSIN, 
RICHARD RHODES, JOHN SACK, DAVID STANDISH, 
BRUCE WILLIAMSON (movies) 

ART 
KERIG POPE managing director; CHET SUSKI, LEN 
WILLIS senior direclors; BRUCE HANSEN, THEO 
KOUVATSOS, SKIP WILLIAMSON asociate directors; 
JOSEPH PACZEK assistant director; BETH KASIK 
senior art assistant; ANN SEIDL art assistant; SUSAN 
HOLMSTROM traffic coordinator, BARBARA HOFF 
MAN administrative manager 


PHOTOGRAPHY 
MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast editor; JEFF 
COHEN senior edilor; JAMES LARSON, JANICE 
MOSES asociate edilors; PATTY BEAUDET, LINDA 
KENNEY, MICHAEL ANS SULLIVAN assistant editors; 
PONPEO rOsAR staff photographer; DAVID МЕСЕХ 
KERRY MORRIS associate staff photographers; BILL 
ARSENAULT, MARIO СА, DAVID CHAN 
RICHARD FEGLEY, ARNY FREYTAG, FRANCIS 
GIACORETT, R SCOTT HOOPER. RICHARD IZUI 
LARRY L LOGAN, KEN Marcus contributing 
photographers; Luisa STEWART (Rome) contrib- 
uting editor; james warn color lab supervisor; 
ROBERT CHELIUS business manager 


PRODUCTION 
JOHN MASTRO director; ALLEN VARGO manager; 
MARIA MANDIS asst. mgr; ELEANORE WAGNER, 
JODY JURGETO, RICHARD QUARTAROLI assistanis 


READER SERVICE 
CYNTHIA LACEY SIKICH manager 


CIRCULATION 
RICHARD SMITH director; ALVIN WIEMOLD sub- 
scription manager 


ADVERTISING 
HENRY W MARKS director 


ADMINISTRATIVE 
PAULETTE GAUDET rights & permissions manager; 
MILDRED ZIMMERMAN administrative assistant 


PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES, INC. 
CHRISTIE HEFNER president; MARVIN L HUSTON 
executive vice-president 


NEW WAVE SHOULDNT BE 
RECORDED ON PUNK TAPE. 


A cassette tape is the perfect place to hide punk workmanship. 
Something you wont find in a Maxell tape. 

Because at Maxell we build eect to standards that are 60% 
higher than the industry calls for. 

Unlike ordinary cassettes, Maxell tapes are made with special 
anti ИШЕ ribsto prevent sticking, stretching g 
and tearing. 
So ask i Maxell cassettes. And the next 
time youre recording new wave you wont 


get stuck with a punk tape. ITS WORTH IT 


Here comes 


BRIGHT 


A fresh new taste experience ~ 
that outshines menthol. 


It not only tastes fresher while you smoke. 
Iteven leaves you with a clean, fresh taste. 


d 


Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determine 
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health. 


You never had it this ше 


Jer А XA 


37 xw 
pu à 


Some people get 
ү, the breaks. 
/ 


Даш. ® E 

Á y 
p anl 0 
rS ССОУ 
DEREN 


"The Best In The House* 


THE WORLD OF PLAYBOY 


in which we offer an insider’ look at whats doing and whos doing it 


QUEEN OF THE SILVER SILK SCREEN 


We'd always thought that actress Joan Collins was an Immortal, but 
PLAYBOY illustrator Pat Nagel made it official with Collins, a limited- 
edition serigraph. Below right: Collins with her co-stars from Dynasty, 
Linda Evans and John Forsythe, at the portrait's recent unveiling. 


WHAT KIND OF 
MAN READS 
PLAYBOY? 


At right, sociologist 
Rosanna Hertz and 
Senior Staff Writer 
James R. Petersen 
discuss their work 
on The Playboy 
Readers' Sex Survey 
with Phil Donahue. 
The audience was 
dynamite: Some had 


questionnaire and 
couldn't wait to talk 
about it on the air. 


UP AGAINST THE WALL, CANDY 


Candy Collins has more pinup posters— 
six—to her credit than any other Playmate 
ever. Above: This one's for you and the 
world-wide auto-parts manufacturer Nip- 
pondenso. Look for dandy Candy, Miss 
December 1979, again in Geffen Film 
Productions’ Risky Business, due at Easter. 


responded to our E 


SORRY, CHAN. YOU'RE CUTE, 
BUT NOT THAT CUTE 


The Girls of “Saturday Night Live" were 
great. You don't recall that one? Don't 
worry; you didn't see it here. The show 
had its own fun in a recent skit. That's 
PLayeoy's intrepid Girls of . . . photog- 
rapher David Chan giving some 
pointers to the cast's Mary Gross, 
Robin Duke and Julia Louis-Dreyfus. 
Chan shot the cover at right, featuring Gross. 


ЗНА NA МА, 
Б WON'T YOU COME 
OUT TONIGHT? 


Left: When Sha Na 
| Na shuffled off to 
Buffalo, the doo- 
woppers knew just 
where to stop: the 
Buffalo Playboy 
Club, where they 
gave an impromptu 
| performance with 
support from the 
Bunnies. Our peripa- 
tetic photographer 
Chan (see top photo) 
was in the audience 
and got this shot. 13 


CURE 
WHITE LINE 
FEVER. 


Let music mesmerize you instead ofthe 
highway. With Clarion Car Stereo. The high 
performance, high reliability and highly af- 
fordable way to tune up your car with better 


entertainment. And | ~a~ =— 
= [Sere ©: 
Tune outunbroken a m= 


6 Clarion 


CAR STEREO 
MOVE AT THE SPEED OF SOUND. 


DEAR PLAYBOY 


ADDRESS DEAR PLAYBOY 
PLAYBOY BUILDING 
919 N. MICHIGAN AVE. 
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611 


SEPARATE BUT EQUAL 
Congratulations to Asa Baber for his 
Men column “Equal Rights for Men, 
1983" (rravmov, January). Having been 
drafted in 1968 and sent to Vietnam, I al- 
ways find it irritating to hear feminists 
whining about how good men have it. 
didn't see any women getting drafted. It's 
true that women seem to want it both 
ways. To some of them, equal opportunity 
means special privileges. 
"Thomas Melloy 
Missoula, Montana 


I have continued to subscribe to PLAYBOY 
for many years despite its liberal bias (to 
reverse a saying, I no longer read the arti- 
cles; I merely enjoy the pictures). How- 
ever, Baber's Men column restores my 
faith in the soundness of some of your 
editorial values. As with the emperor's 
clothes, mass deception and paradox are 
more often the rule than the exception. 
One paradox is that feminism is most 
vociferous in the country in which women 
enjoy the most nearly equal (dare I say 
pampered?) position; namely, the U.S. 
‘There is little feminism in, say, Iran and 
Saudi Arabia. Equally paradoxical is the 
fact that people who, like Baber, have the 
courage to note the obvious are invariably 
maligned and vilified. It is generally the 
prophet, the messenger or the victim who 
is blamed—rarely the aggressor. The most 
universal paradox is that feminism, like 
most other isms, causes as much harm as 
the illness it claims to cure. 

Dr. Thomas M. Kando 
Professor of Sociology and 
Criminal Justice 
California State University 
Sacramento, California 


Baber's “Equal Rights for Men, 1983” 
points out how men discriminate against 
men. It is judges, who are mostly male, 
who decide child-custody issues and have 
made women exempt from the draft. In- 
deed, on the draft issue, NOW hurt its 


E.R.A. position by coming out so strongly 
in favor of drafting women. So it may 
not be so much the case “that women are 
trying to have it both ways.” It is more 
that the good ol” boys are keeping things 
the old way. I, for one, suspect that women 
will be drafted and will lose more custody 
cascs before they ever get equal pay for 
equal work. 

Margaret G. Waterstreet 

Chicago, Illinois 


I am incensed by Baber's “Equal Rights 
for Men, 1983.” He attempts to relate two 
subjects that are separate and distinct. 
There can be no reasonable quarrel with 
equal rights for men in divorce court, but 
Baber's position that women should be 
subject to the draft and, presumably, serve 
in combat is sadly off base. 1 wonder if he 
seriously believes that a troop of PLAYBOY 
centerfolds should be sent into battle to be 
ripped to shreds by machine-gun bullets. 
Such a move would be on the order of 
using the Mona Lisa to line a cat box. 
The beauty of women is a delight to both 
sexes, and one does not wantonly de- 
stroy beauty in any form 

Frederick D. Schulkind 
Cockeysville, Maryland 

Baber replies: 

Sending a troop of PLAYBOY centerfolds 
into battle might make a good movie scene, 
and—who knows?—it might end the arms 
race. But what I had in mind was equal risk 
and equal rights for men and women. 


HUMAN SEXUAL RESPONSES 

Let me be the first reader to raise my 
chalice and toast your success in The 
Playboy Readers’ Sex Survey (January). 
With such mind-stimulating research 
undertaken by your staff, we readers can 
finally turn the other check to those indi- 
viduals who always sarcastically tell the 
clerk at the local convenience store, after 
we start for the door with the new iss 
puavsoy under our arms, “ГЇЇ bet he buys it 


(ON PROMOTION DIRECTOR. AOVER: 


ISCRIPTIONS- Ik THE 


стоя: HAROLD DUCHIN, MA 
ТЕ ADVERTISING MANAGER, 1 NORTH 


©. PERKINS. MANAGER. a311 WILSHINE BOULEVARO: SAN FRANCISCO 24104, TOM JONES. MANAGER, 417 MONTGOMERY STREET 


e of 


a) the hot new 
punk jewelry fad. 


b) an exotic dancer 
from Philadelphia who 
has a special way with 
“Jingle Bells? 


c) the delicious combination 
of equal parts of Drambuie 
and scotch over ice. 


ED PROOFLQUEUR. IMPORTED BY ФМА TAYLOR & CD. MIAMI. FLORIDAS 


15 


Announcing the ultimate collection of modern world coinage 


COIN SETS OF ALL NATIONS 


Official circulating coinage 
of the nation represented 
— in mint-fresh condition. 
Includes all the coins. 
currently in circulation 

in that nation. 


Coin Sets of 
All Nations 


Official date-cancellation 
and postmarking applied 
by the post office in the 
nation that issued the coins 
and the stamp. 


REPUBLIC OF AUSTRIA 


1 Schilling. 


5Groschen 


Coins in special date-canceled cache) 
shown smaller than actual size 


By arrangement with government officials throughout the world, 
a complete collection of all the circulating coins — in mint-fresh condition — 
from every coin-issuing country of the world. 


Please mail your application 
by April 30, 1983. 


Limit of one collection per person. 


You have the unprecedented oppor- 
tunity to acquire a collection of world 
coinage unlike any that has ever been 
issued before. A collection of complete 
sets of official monetary coins from the 
coin-issuing nations of the world — 
with each set sealed in an individual 
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This comprehensive collection will 
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with an intriguing way to learn about 
countries and peoples in every part of 
the world —through their official coin- 
ages. It will be a most enjoyable and 
enriching experience, and an educa- 
tional adventure as well. For you will 
Bain a better understanding of each 
country—while you are building a 
comprehensive collection of world 
coins that is certain to become a prized 
family possession. 


Assembled by special arrangement 

with government officials 

in more than 100 countries 
To put together this collection, The 
Franklin Mint made special arrange- 
ments with the central banks or mon- 
etary authorities of more than 100 
coin-issuing nations—and with the in- 
dividual postal authority of each of 
those nations. Every country that regu- 
larly mints and issues coins will be rep- 
resented except where government 
regulations or restrictions on availabil- 
ity prohibit. 

The result will be a comprehensive 
collection of mint-fresh coins that 
would be extremely difficult to assem- 
ble even if you were to travel to every 
one of the coin-issuing countries of the 
world—because coins in mint-fresh 
condition usually are obtainable only 
for a short time after they're struck. 


Sealed in specially 
postmarked cachets 
Here are the features that make this 
collection unique: 

* All of the circulating coins from. 
each of the coin-issuing nations 
will be included. 

+ Each coin in every set will be in 
mint-fresh condition. 

* Every coin set will be sealed in its 
own individual cachet, designed 
especially for this collection. 


+ Each cachet will be officially 
stamped and date-canceled, and 
will be postmarked in the country 
that issued the coins. 

* The complete collection will be 
available only by subscription. 

Coin Sets of All Nations will not be 

sold through any coin dealers, stores or 
even national banks in this country or 
abroad. The collection can only be ac- 
quired directly from The Franklin Mint. 


Educational and enjoyable 

for every member of the family 
Many of the coins are outstanding for 
their beauty, their historical signifi- 
cance and the themes they represent. 
The coinage of Greece, for example, 
evokes its rich classical heritage: the 
20 drachmai portraying the great 
statesman Pericles. The coinage of Ja- 
pan features the 100 yen coin with its 
lovely design of cherry blossoms. 

The coinage of Austria consists of 8 
different coins, with the 5 schilling 
piece showing a Lippizaner stallion of. 
therenowned Spanish Riding School in 
Vienna. The coins of Indonesia depict 
the exotic birds of that land, and the 
coins of Fiji ceremonial objects unique 
to the culture of this island people. By 
contrast, the coinage of Sweden is very 
formal: the 1 Krona bearing a classic 
portrait of King Carl Gustaf and the 50 
Ore featuring the royal monogram and 
the Swedish Crown. 

These official coinage sets form a 
collection of infinite variety—and in- 
clude coins of many different shapes: 
round, octagonal, twelve-sided, scal- 
loped. And they are minted in a variety 
of metals: bronze, copper, brass, nickel 
and cupro-nickel. 

Storage cases and 
reference folders provided 
To enable you to store and protect your 
coinage cachets, a set of four hand- 
some hardbound cases will be in- 
cluded as part of the collection. In 
addition, a specially written folder will 


be sent with each coinage set. It will 
give important facts about the country 
represented and background informa- 
tion on its coinage. 

You will receive your collection at 
the rate of two issues per month. The 
price for each issue is $13.95 including 
the mint-fresh coins, cachets, stamp, 
foreign postmarking and all customs 
charges. There isno charge for the stor- 
age cases or reference folders. 

Subscription applications are being. 
accepted at this time. But because of 
the difficulty of obtaining a sufficient 
quantity of mint-fresh coins for every 
nation represented, it is important that 
your application be mailed promptly. 
(A future opportunity to subscribe may 
be offered but cannot be guaranteed.) 

To subscribe for this complete series 
of coinage sets from around the world, 
be sure to mail your application to The 
Franklin Mint, Franklin Center, PA, by 
April 30th. 


[77 7 7 SUBSCRIPTION APPLICATION 7' 


COIN SEIS 
OF ALL NATIONS 


Please mail by April 30, 1983. 
Limit: One collection per person. 


The Frarklin Mint 
Franklin Center, Pennsylvania 19091 
Please enter my subscription for Coin 
Sets of All Nations, consisting of a 
mint-fresh set of circulating coinage 
from every nation in the world that 
regularly mints and issues coins, ex- 
cept where government regulations 
and restrictions on availability pro- 
hibit. Each Coin set will be issued in a 
stamped and date-canceled cachet, 
officially postmarked in the nation of 
issue. The cachets will besent to me at 
the rate of two per month, and the is 
sue price for each cachet is $13.95 
I need send no payment now. | will 
be billed $27.90* in advance for each 
monthly shipment of two coinage ca- 
chets. Four storage cases will be pro- 
vided, at no extra charge. 
*Plus my state sales tax and 95¢ 
per cachet for shipping and handling. 


Signature. 


City. 


State, Zip. — 
Canadian residents will be billed for each 
volume in advance of shipment at $49. 
plus $1.90 for shipping and handling 
(SEND) 


Е 


PLAYBOY 


for the articles!” With such startling con- 
clusions revealed in your survey about sex- 
ual behavior in the Eighties, I can't wait to 
pick up my January 2001 issue. Here's to 
our separate futures—together. 

Kirk В. Clovis 


Austin, Texas 


Is faithfulness extinct? The Playboy 
Readers’ Sex Survey gives that impres- 
sion. Concerning the number of sex part- 
ners for nonvirgins, the questionnaire 
choices begin at 1-5. There is absolutely 
no indication of how many, like myself, 
have had one mate and been sexually true 
to her or him. We're definitely a minority, 
but we do exist. How about some credit? 

Steve Thompson 
La Grescenta, California 


DUDLEY DONE RIGHT 
Thanks for January’s very open-minded 
Playboy Interview with Dudley Moore. 1 
must say that this is the first time I have 
ever read an interview and laughed the 
whole way through. Nancy Collins de- 
serves a lot of credit for bringing a very 
funny and great actor to PLAYBOY. 
Thomas Nay 
Osan, Korea 


Pve just finished your interview with 
Dudley Moore, and I have to say that it is 
the most difficult interview Pve read. I 
couldn't stop laughing! Moore is one of the 
most enjoyable personalities млувоу has 
talked with in years. 

John Osborne 

Lebanon, Oregon 


I sincerely hope that there is a side to 
Dudley Moore that is not presented in the 
Playboy Interview. “Wanking” hardly de- 
scribes the debacle—an 11-page circle jerk 
would be more descriptive. In the future, I 
think ii would be wise to let Moore do the 
acting and leave the Interview to people 
who have something to say. 

Jeff Malmin 
Aptos, California 


Thank you for the most candid and 
humorous interview I have ever read. If 
Dudley Moore had been any more honest, 
he would probably be arrested. 

Billy Eastin 
Orlando, Florida 


PROTRUDING CHIN 
The beauty of your January Playmate, 
Lonny Chin, leaves me quietly dazed. 
She’s the best thing to come out of Liver- 
pool since the Beatles. Actually, 1 got your 
issue in December—but too late to change 
my order for Christmas. Next year, I think 
ТІ send my wish list to PLAYBOY, 
Bruce McCullin 
Longview, Texas 


I have been reading PLAYBOY for the past 
four years and have noticed that January 
Playmates are exceptionally beautiful 


women with warm personalities. So I was 
really eager to receive this year’s issue. I 
anticipated a Playmate with the same 
qualities as Candy Loving, Gig Gangel, 
Karen Price and Kimberly McArthur. 
Lonny Chin certainly belongs in the same 
class as past January Playmates. Congrat- 
ulations on a dynamic pictorial that starts 
the new year off with a bang. I can't wait 
till next year. 


Edward Crawlcy 
Tuscaloosa, Alabama 


Generally, Im not the type of person 
who makes his opinions public—especial- 
ly in an international magazine. However, 
alter secing Lonny Chin, I feel compelled 
to write to you. Lonny is the most beauti- 
ful and captivating woman I've ever seen. 
The adjoining article claims that “Lonny 
wants to be liked.” As far as I’m con- 
cerned, that’s one ambition she'll never 
have trouble with. Pleececeze let us have 
another peck at your January gem! 

John P. Reagan 
Sunnyvale, California 


There are Playmates and then there are 
Playmates. But Lonny Chin's dazzling 
eyes put me in a trance for 30 minutes. By 
the time I managed to view her entire 
body, I had missed the second half of a 
Lakers basketball game. 
Freddie Jones 
Alta Loma, California 
Lonny appreciates the kind words, but she's 
sorry she made Freddie miss half the game. 
She wants us to let him know the Lakers won 


124-122 on an Abdul-Jabbar sky hook. And 
here's а set shot from the star of the first 
Playboy video cassette and disc. Shes helped 
us put our power forward in the video game. 


SUBTLE DIPLOMACY 

Paul Erdman’s Living on the Default 
Line (pLAYBOY, January) is most frighten- 
ing. The industrial nations—the U.S., 
West Germany and Japan—could be on 
the verge of total economic collapse, which 
would drag the entire world into a depres- 
sion worse than that of the Thirties. The 
answer is simple. The industrial nations 
could declare war on the oil-producing 


nations; they would win easily. The oil 
nations’ assets would be declared war 
prizes and we could go on about our busi- 
ness. That may sound facetious, but don't 
you think something like that will hap- 
pen— perhaps in some other guise? 
Marvin Portwoo 
Atlanta, Georgia. 


STARLET FEVER 
Congratulations! Every time I think 
you've found my ultimate fantasy girl, you. 
surprise me with a better one. Now you've 
really done it. January's Blonde Ambitions 
pictorial literally doubles my pleasure. 
Utterly astonishing! I’m sure my fellow 
students at Arizona State would agree that 
we may be ranked number three, but those 
Landers sisters are definitely number onc. 
Cliff Matican 
"Tempe, Arizona 


What a masterpiece of skin and roman- 
ticism! Judy and Audrey Landers make 
my heart ring. Thank you, PLAYBOY! 

Clyde Page 
Contrecocur, Quebec 


Granted, the Landers sisters want to 
protect their professional image by not 
totally exposing themselves to PLAYBOY 
readers, but the picture on pages 104 and 
105 is just too much. The other photo- 
graphs are tastefully composed, but the 
picture with feathers “randomly” covering 
their bodies is downright tacky. You have 
thus vitiated an otherwise acceptable 
pictorial on two beautiful women. 

Karl Sweitzer 
Potsdam, New York 


Well, now you've done it. Pve just seen 
the pictorial you did on the Landers sis- 
ters, and T simply can’t believe how 
beautiful they are. Your magazine does 
them justice. Keep up the good work. 
Wesley Andrues 
Fullerton, California 


‘Those photos of Audrey and Judy Lan- 
ders are more suitable for People or Time 
than for млувоу. If Га wanted to see 
feathers, ГА have called Colonel Sanders. 

Joe Henry 
Sterling Heights, Michigan 


Га like to congratulate Marilyn Gra- 
bowski and Arny Freytag for an excellent 
article and a beautiful pictorial. Thanks 
for a more adult look at the nicest and 
loveliest actress around—Judy Landers— 
than Гуе ever seen before. 

Richard Dube 
Wesson, Mississippi 


As faithful subscribers to PLAYBOY, we 
feel compelled to comment on your Janu- 
ary pictorial on Judy and Audrey Landers, 
“TV's sexiest sister act.” What is ban- 
nered as Entertainment for Men is, in 
this case, nothing more than a lengthy 
underwear advertisement out of Seventeen 


THE JORDACHE LOOK... 


PLAYBOY 


CALL ME 
WHEN YOU GET 


© 1983 Tabune Company Syndicate. Inc 
Tied up with cumbersome film projectors and To 
costly film? Now there's a simpler way. The Г 


Quasar? color camera and videotape cassette 2 
recorder. Shoot it and see it now, on your qualit y and 
TV, without costly developing. You'd 213. 
spend over $400 for 2 hours of 8mm dependabilit, y 

V 
hours of videotape! Theres shouldnt you have 
never been more state-of-the- 
art features in one camera 
table recorder is 1/3 smaller and : x 
lighter than any in Quasar history, Lf 
and operates in three speeds with 
Add our tuner for off-air recording 
to complete your Quasar system. 


film. Compare that to $10 for 2 
before. The supercompact por- Q E 
picture search and special effects. 


WARNING: One Federal Cour has 
Һе һа recording copyrighted TV 

program s iniringornont Such 
programs should nol be recorded. 


Quas eM. 


ONE GREAT IDEA AFTER ANOTHER... 
Quasar, Frarklin Park, Illinois 60131— Division of Matsushita Electric Corporation of America 


magazine. To make matters worse, the un- 
credited text to this pictorial labels 
Madame of the comedy team Wayland 
and Madame "a horny-old-bag mario- 
nette." Incredible! 

The Boys of the Homestead 

Fairfield, Pennsylvania 

Madame is a horny-old-bag marionette. 

Just ask Charlie McCarthy or Yoda. 


CHAD'S GOOD, TOO 

The audio cassette Jeremy is referred 
to in The Year in Sex (bLavnoy, February). 
We at Misty Bear Productions feel that 
a small caption hardly docs justice to a 
unique erotic product so tastefully exc- 
cuted that it has been favorably reviewed 
by dozens of newspapers, magazines and 
doctors of clinical psychology. 

Jeremy is a fantasy lover for women that 
enriches their physical being and emotional 
life. Moreover, its special ability to com- 
municate in intimate situations makes ita 
perfect teacher for men—as acclaimed by 
women who have listened to it and have 
praised its techniques. 

“This audio cassette is available for $10.95 
from Misty Bear Productions, P.O. Box 
2574, Beverly Hills, California 90213. 
Pleaseinclude your signature and state that 
you are over 21 years of age. 

Hillary Arrow, Associate Director 
Misty Bear Productions 
Beverly Hills, California 


SHANNON, BY GEORGE 

Photos by Hurrell (PLAYBOY, January) is 
excellent. In a time when most photos in 
“adult” magazines are blatantly sugges- 
tive, you have tried to maintain art in the 
shooting of your nudes. The photos by 
Hurrell are done with the eye of a true 
artist. 


W. D. Starr 
Salem, Virginia 


George Hurrell has not lost his touch 
over the years in photographing beauti- 
ful women—from Jean Harlow to Jane 
Russell and now Shannon Tweed. Shan- 
non's hair-raising curves show up even 
more in black and white than in color. 
Mark Jackson 
Searcy, Arkansas 


If in the past your competitors have 
claimed equality, the photos of Shannon 
Tweed by George Hurrell surely end the 
debate. I cannot recall ever being more 
taken by a series of photographs. 

Dr. Edward Lloyd 
Iuka, Illinois 


BUT HOW WAS IT FOR DAMIENS? 

It is with great pleasure that I review 
a pictorial in the January кїлүвоү titled 
Provocative Period Pieces, featuring that 
notorious blackguard and libertine Casa- 
nova. Having rcad all 12 volumes of the 
celebrated rake's memoirs, I feel I must 
expand on the information in the captions. 
According to Casanova’s memoirs, on 


March 28, 1757, Robert Damiens, who had 
attempted to assassinate Louis XV, was to 
be taken to a public square, flayed alive 
and drawn and quartered for his crime. To 
impress some ladyfriends, Casanova let a 
room above the square in corjunction with 
a friend of his, Count Tiretta of Trevisa, 
also known as Count Six Times. As the 
engraving in PLAYBOY shows, they invited 
three women to share their vantage point. 
"The women bent over the balustrade while 
Casanova and the Count Six Times, gen- 
tlemen that they were, took the rear view. 
Although Damiens’ skin had been torn 
off by pincers and half his limbs 
had been removed, he remained alive and 
shrieking. In disgust, Casanova tumed 
away only to scc that the Count Six Times 
had raised the skirts of the woman in front 
of him and had entered her anally. Casa- 
nova reports he heard the rustling of the 
woman’s skirts for two hours, a fact for 
which he admired the count’s appetite and 
boldness. Thus, the gentleman slipping 
it to the “otherwise sensible woman” is 
the Count Six Times and not Casa- 
nova, who merely recorded the event. As 
PLAYBOY's status is normally impeccable 
from a literary standpoint, I'm certain 
your readers will appreciate this historical 


uplift 


Robert J. Hilton 
Houston, Texas 


KING OF DARKNESS 
There is only one living author whose 

name on a book compels me to buy the 
book. I don't subscribe to PLayBoy, but I 
bought the January issue: Stephen King 
contributed The Word Processor. That, re- 
gardless of any other articles, fiction or 
regular features, is reason enough. 

Mick Zachry 

(Address withheld by request) 


I read it once and immediately turned 
back to read it again. King’s The Word 
Processor is a masterful work—the best 
short story I’ve read in ages. 

James K. Henderson 
Stone Mountain, Georgia 


I am happy to see that some of the 
pages devoted to fiction in your gala 
Anniversary Issue are graced by the 
handiwork of onc of Bangors promi- 
nent citizens—that gent who writes for 
a living but hasn't written a bock since, 
uh, yesterday, I guess. Is The Word Proc- 
essor Stephen King's first work to appear 
in PLAYBOY, or have there been others? At 
any rate, I hope to see more in the future. 

Earl Flaherty 
Bangor, Maine 

“The Word Processor” is our first King 
fiction, but ғілувоу articles by him appeared 
in January 1981 and January 1982. The 
funny thing about it is that his work doesn't 
come in the mail. This big guy in a cape 
brings it. The cape is new, but the guy looks a 
little long in the tooth. 


Wolfschmidt 
Genuine Vodka 


The spirit of the C7 


| æ | 


NL с 
Wolfschmidt is made here to the same Á 
supreme standards which elevated it to spgéi; 
appointment to his Majesty the Czar and tlié 
Imperial Romanov Court. 

The spirit of the Czar lives on. 


Wolfschmidt 
HenuineVodka 


Product of U.S.A. Distilled from grain » Available in 80 and 100 proof * Wolfschrnidt, Relay, Md. 


\ 


21 


Regular, 1 mg. “tar”, D .2 mg. nicotine. 
av. per cigarette, FTC Report Dec. "81. 


©1982 BBW T Co. 


BARCLAY 


( X ) IM Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined 
% tar free That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health. 
е 


PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS 


ON YOUR MARK, GET SET, GO 


First there were kids who went into the 
bathroom to smoke. Next there were 
smoke detectors. Then there were kids 
who went into the bathroom to go to the 
bathroom. And now, in Florida, even those 
squatters are under scrutiny. 

The Sunshine State 
$45,000 in taxes to put monitors with stop 
watches in school rest rooms. Their job: to 
determine which toilets are used most 
often and to chart toilet-flushing frequency 
and duration. If it turns out that not 
enough toilets are flushing for long 
enough, the state wants to cut the crap out 
of the school budget. Which may mean 
that swampland in Florida may be avail- 
able again, soon. 


has earmarked 


б 

Here comes the judge: А 30-year-old 
woman in Athens, Greece, was sentenced 
to 18 months in prison for committing 
adultery with the judge who had acquitted 
her on the same charge in an earlier trial. 

. 

Let's just say the story isn't as interest- 
ing as the headline. The Pittsburgh Post- 
Gazelle tantalized its readers with this: 
"COBRA BITES ITS KEEPER IN BEAVER.” 


THANKS FOR THE GRUB 


The Cincinnati Zoo threw a Catch the 
Bugs party recently to acquaint people 
with insect life. In addition to lectures and 
discussions, visitors were invited to help 
themselves at the buffet table: Chocolate 
chirpies (cricket brownies); chenilles frites 
(deep-fried, honey-fed caterpillars); and 
moth balls and crackers (cream cheese, 
scallions, pressed beef and wax-moth 
caterpillars squished into cheese balls) 
were a few of the delectables. No one, it 
seems, complained about flies in his soup. 

. 

When Ann Landers was taken to task 
for referring to gay guys as “sidesaddle 
tenors,” she readily admitted her error. In 


publishing the complaining letter and her 
apology, she may have compounded the 
faux pas with the headline “JUDGMENT LAPSE 
BLAMED FOR EMBARRASSING BONER.” 
5 

Las Vegas parents were required to sign 
a form to admit their children into a high 
school sex-education class. The form asked 
them to comply with chapter 455 of the 
Nevada Revised Statute. School adminis- 
trators were chagrined to learn that chap- 
ter 455 actually deals with “erection 
offenses and safeguards around shafts and 
excavations.” 


PERFECT POOCH 


Kirk Nurock, 34, trained at Juilliard 
His musical arrangements have been com- 
missioned by Bette Midler, Judy Collins 
and Barry Manilow—and clients have 
been literally howling for an audition. 

Sonata for Piano and Dog, Nurock's 
latest, is a 35-minute, four-movement 
piece featuring a choir of dogs. To get the 


right blend of woofers and tweeters, he’s 
been interviewing owners and working a 
cappella with a couple of mutts a day. 
“This is not a showbiz novelty," he insists, 
but an outgrowth of his 14-year involve- 
ment with Natural Sound—a premise that 
any sound can be musical. Last year, in 
fact, Nurock performed at the Bronx Zoo 
with a chorus of owls, wolves and birds— 
then again at Chicago's Lincoln Park Zoo 
with orangutans and guinea pigs. 

If Nurock moves on to longer works for 
his pet protégés, he may have to find a way 
to curb their other forms of expression 

. 

Flags and Flagpoles, a full-service com- 
pany that wears its patriotism on its 
balance sheet, placed an ad that read 
"From toothpick to battleship size, We 
Get It Up for You.” Wave ifyou have one. 

. 

A memo making the rounds of the Brit- 
ish civil service seeks to advise on cost- 
cutting measures by means of secretary 
sharing. The memo encourages sharing 
"either horizontally between officers of 
equal rank, or vertically between an officer 
and a senior.” 

. 

Historical update: Eleven years ago this 
year, several San Francisco restaurants 
were serving a French wine, La Clape, 
shipped by Paul Herpe, because, as one 
restaurant spokesman put it, “La Clape- 
Herpe is something so many of our cus- 
tomers can identify with." Some wine 
becomes more complex with time. 

. 

Radio station WTCO in Arlington 
Heights, Illinois, wants to change its call 
letters to WSEX, to which the FCC says 
NIX. Station lawyers, who are appealing 
the decision, have turned up a bunch of 
interesting call letters that have been 
approved by the commission. Among 
them are KOKE in Austin, Texas (which 
really gets you moving in the a.m.); WGAY: 
in Silver Spring, Maryland (which plays J 


PLAYBOY 


Left My Heart in San Francisco with some 
frequency); WSUX in Seaford, Delaware 
(a mouthful); KINK in Portland, Oregon 
(obviously into heavy metal); and KOME 
in San Jose, California (which wants you 
to start your day with a bang), And what 
does WSEX intend to broadcast? It wants 
to make beautiful music, of course. 


GRATEFUL REDS 


“How to Distinguish Decadent Songs,” 
a recent treatise from the People’s Music 
Publishing House of Peking, is a comrade’s 
guidebook through the corrupting world of 
musical bourgeoisie. According to the pam- 
phlet, the best way to spot a decadent song 
is by the way ifs sung. “Quivering 
rhythm, extra notes or an unclear, loose, 
drunken pronunciation . . . do not express 
working-class sentiments" Mentioned 
among those songs that present “a dis- 
torted reflection of life" are Chinese- 
language pop songs produced in Hong 
Kong and almost all Western popular 
music. Well, 'scuse us while we kiss the sky. 


б 

We read in the Dubuque, Iowa, Tele- 
graph-Herald that Idaho State quarter- 
back Paul Peterson “pissed for 356 yards” 
and guided his team to a 41-21 victory 
over Drake. Clearly, Drake was affected by 
severe field conditions that day. 

. 

The Spokane Chronicle, commenting on 
the poor hunting in Walla Walla County, 
said that wildlife agents “checked 52 hunt- 
ers with only six cocks.” 


. 
The Grand Rapids, Michigan, Press ran 
the following classified ad: “Room divid- 
er—slightly scratched by hooker.” 
. 


Denver's Rocky Mountain News reported 
on the search for Ted Turner's pet bruin in 
an article headlined “BEAR HUNT CONTINUES 
FOR THE ELUSIVE BOOBY." It’s all in a day's 
work for us. 


DONT KNOCK THE LOCK 


When New York City sanitation com- 
missioner Norman Steisel accidentally 
locked himself out of his car in front of 
city hall, he looked for help. 

Said Steisel: “The cops told me they had 
the best lock-and-pick man in the traffic 
division. So I went to my meeting while 
the best lock-and-pick man and three uni- 
formed cops and a plainclothesman slaved 
over this thing.” 

The experts were still at it when Steisel 
emerged from city hall an hour and a half 
later. “Then several elected officials—who 
shall go nameless—and their executive 
assistants all had a go at it. They didn’t 
have any luck, either.” 

At that point, somebody decided to 
fetch Robert Harrington, a janitor at city 
hall for ten years. Within minutes, he 
opened the door—using a wire coat hang- 
er. Both Mr. Wizard and Joan Crawford 
would have been proud. 


CHECKING IN 


In Hollywood, Jeff Bridges, son of Lloyd, brother of Beau, is known as one fine actor. 
We've seen him in 19 movies over the years, some of them underground classics—“Cutter’s 
Way,” “The Last Picture Show,” “The Last American Hero,” “Fat City.” This winter he 


switched to comedy, playing Sally Field's dullard fiancé in “Kiss Me Goodbye. 


Claudia 


Dreifus caught up with him al his Santa Monica home and filed this report: “With Jeff 
Bridges, what you see is what you get. He's a friendly guy, with a sunny blond smile. He may be 
Lloyd Bridges’ son, but his swimming pool is really no bigger than an overgrown hot tub.” 


PLAYBOY: Do you have childhood memories 
of seeing your father in weird roles? 
BRIDGES: One time, when I was four or five, 
I watched him make a Western. He was 
filming a close-up in which he was sup- 
posed to be riding a horse. But my dad 
wasn't up on a horsc—he was sitting on a 
ladder. When I saw that, I broke up. 
There was my father, a grown man, play- 
ing “let's pretend.” I was laughing so hard 
they had to remove me from the set 
PLAYBOY: Your father was cast as the villain 
in some great Westerns. Was it shocking to 
you, as a kid, to see him as the smarmy 
deputy in High Noon? 

BRIDGES: My father was one terrific bad 
guy. Playing the heavy was natural to 
him—it was the challenge of playing the 
opposite type. In High Noon, 1 saw him as 
a selfish guy who betrays his best friend 
because he wants the sheriff’s job for him- 
self. Every time I saw High Noon, some- 
thing in my mind would say, “Come on, 
Dad, do the right thing. Help your friend 
out.” 

PLAYBOY: In the early Fifties, did your 
father sufler from the Hollywood black 
list? 

BRIDGES: Well, he certainly didn't suffer as 
much as others. The McCarthyites went 
after actors who were big stars. In the late 
Forties and early Fifties, when all of that 
was happening, my father hadn't really hit 
it big yet. He wasn't a card-carrying Com- 
munist or anything like that. He was just a 
guy who'd been to a couple of meetings 
that his friends at the Actors Lab had sug- 
gested he check out. Once the black list 
hit, he had to go over to Ward Bond and 
John Wayne and explain that he wasn't a 
Communist, that he didn't know anybody 


who was. He says it was awful. The ex- 
perience has always haunted my family. 
My dad has always said, “Ве careful what 
papers you sign, because you never know 
what the Government might do with 
them.” 

илувоу; How did your acting carcer 
begin? 

BRIDGES: Breaking in was no sweat. My 
father simply called up an agent and said, 
“You will represent my son.” For quite a 
few years, I went around feeling guilty that 
it all had come so easily for me. I won- 
dered if maybe I shouldn’t try something 
elsc—music, painting. But the acting 
always came naturally and the response to 
my work was, from carly on, pretty good. 
FLAYBOY: When did you start feeling that 
acting was your own profession and not a 
union card your father had handed down 
to you? 

princes: When I got an Oscar nomination 
for The Last Picture Show. There was no 
campaign for me to get that; it happened 
because people genuinely liked my work. 
PLAYBOY: Was it fun to jog around in 
TRON in that electric leotard that was 
your costume? 

BRIDGES: It was awkward for a while. I felt 
real exposed and uncomfortable. Besides, 
the dance belt nearly killed me. Do you 
know what a dance belt is? It's a jockstrap. 
with an important difference. The strap 
runs up your ass. You can't imagine what 
sitting down in it is like. 

PLAYBOY: You've been married for six years 
to Susan Geston, a photographer. How did 
you two meet? 

ERIDGES: Sue was working on a dude ranch 
in Montana where we were shooting 
Rancho Deluxe and it was like they say in 


Waters for fishin’ 
Dickel's for drinkin: 


Dont let water, ice, or anything come between 


splash on a little water —or your favorite 

mixer—well, we try to be open-minded 

about such things. 

After all, a whisky that tastes as good as 

Dickel does all by itself, is going to taste 
pretty great no matter what you do to it. 
Tor smoothness, its in a class by itself. 


GEORGE\ e«g/DICKEL 
E^. E Ое 


It youd likea free 18x 23° print of this ad, write to usat: George A. Dickel & Со. Tullahoma, IN 5/588. 


GEORGE DICKELA + MADE N TENNESSEE + 90 PROOF + GEORGE A. DICKEL 8 COMPANY + TULLAHOMA, TENNESSEE © 1983 


you and your first taste of George Dickel. 
ause when you start out with a whisky 
thats been properly gentled in the first 
place, you dont have to half drown it 
or throw rocks at it to make it behave. 
Later on, if you feel compelled to 


the movies, love at first sight. At least on 
my part. She was this real preuy girl and 
she had two tremendous black-and-blue 
blotches around her eyes. 1 couldn't stop 
looking at her. I had these fantasies that 
her boyfriend had beaten her up and that I 
was going to save her from this terrible 
situation. The truth was that she'd been in 
an automobile accident. When I first 
asked her out, she turned me down, She 
thought I was this big-shot actor from 
Hollywood who was coming on to all the 
local girls. So after we finished making the 
movie, I went back to Montana to con- 
vince her I was an all-right guy. 

PLAYBOY: It’s no secret that you've done 
quite e bit of experimenting with con- 
trolled substances. Do you still? 

BRIDGES: At an earlier phase in my life— 
much more than now. I did the basic 
stuff—pot, a іше LSD. Oh, my mother 
hates this every time she reads it—I still 
smoke pot. But I'm trying to wean myself 
off the stuff. Lately, when I take pot, I find 
myself getting more paranoid on it, more 
uptight. Still, I find that pot is almost 
like a pack of cigarettes and part of the 
routine. Sometimes, especially when I’m 
not working, ГИ fall into it. It’s a kind of 
mental addiction. 

PLAYBOY: It must be hard for a son to live 
up to a father like Lloyd Bridges. 

BRIDGES: Well, he's one incredible human 
being. Even when my father criticized my 
lifestyle, it was always something he did 
with love. You see, my father has incred- 
ibly good habits. He's a tennis junki 
swims a mile in the ocean every day and 
he's 70. 1 don't know if he wants me to say 
that in public; he wants to pull a Jack Ben- 
ny and be 39 forever. Beyond his remark- 
able personal discipline and fitness is the 
fact that he's a wonderfully caring human 
being. He acts instinctively. Once, when I 
was a little kid, we were in New York, rid- 
ing in a cab. We saw this drunk guy throw- 
ing bricks at passers-by. My father had the 
cab stopped and ran up to the guy. He 
grabbed him and embraced him. It turned 
out the man had lost his job and his wife 
had just died. My father took care of that 
situation, didn't think twice about it. 1 
admire that. 

PLAYBOY: We found a clipping—it was one 
of several in this vein—in which a critic 
said, “Jeff Bridges is the only member of 
the Bridges family who can act." What do 
your brother and your father think when 
they see something like that? 

BRIDGES: Oh, no, you found one of (hose! 
Well, we don't pay much attention to stuff. 
like that. My father is a great actor. Beau 
is fantastic. We can do without that kind of 
write-up. 

PLAYBOY: Why does Lloyd Bridges' son 
have such a small swimming pool? 
BRIDGES: We just didn't have the room to 
put in a bigger pool. Besides, I'm not all 
that much into swimming—I’m a jogger. I 
don’t scuba dive, either. All that equip- 
ment, it's such a drag. 


THE NETWORKS FIGHT BACK 


Stunned by the assault of cable and Betamax, aware that “Insatiable” has become 
more popular than “Too Close for Comfort” on the home screen, the networks and the 
major independent stations are Xing up their schedules with sexy new shows, spin-offs 
and sequels featuring people doing things Lucy never heard of. Whats in store? David 
Standish and Jerry Sullivan offer a typical night to come in prime time. 


NINE'S COMPANY —It’s 1967 and a beauti- 
ful young girl named Snow White has 
run away from home. She heads for 
Haight-Ashbury to share a crash pad 
with seven freaky guys named Itchy, 
Twitchy, Spiky, Burglary, Fantasy, 
Reality and Harry, and one very 
straight young man with his own bed- 
room and no idea of what is going on in 
the rest of the apartment. The laughs 
come fast when superstraight Bradford 
Van Cleveland starts rapping with 
Snow White and her freaky seven. 
MUFFY, P..—In “The Overbite Terror,” 
Mully goes undercover as a new stu- 
dent at Miss Porkers, the randiest 
girls’ school in New England. She's out 
to bust a dangerous teenaged psycho- 
path from a good Darien family who 
refuses to wear Bass Weejun loafers 
with her knee socks and goes around at 
night loosening her classmates’ braces 
while they sleep. 

THE DUKES OF BONDAGE—"'Laying Rub- 
ber”: Daisy is fit to be tied when the 
Dukes try to leave her behind after 
entering their newly customized Chains 
of Love Trans Am in the first annual 
Onan, Georgia, Deviate 500 Classic. 
They compete for a first prize of $1000, 
a weekend trip for three to New York, 
dinner at The Anvil and a one-hour 
shopping spree at The Pleasure Chest. 
THE BEST LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE— 
When the rest of the gals of the Best 
Little House leave with Big HoJo to go 
work the new gold-rush site just over 
the mountains, Amy is left behind to 
take care of things. But when all the 
boys down at the Boiled Dog Saloon 
decide at once to pay the Best Little 
House a visit, can she hold up her end? 
THE SUNDAY MORNING RELIGIOUS SPECIAL— 
“The 39-24-36 Club": The first 
evangelist on the networks since Bishop 
Sheen, the Reverend Florian Weasel of 


the Full Gospel Church of the Living 
Whoopee displays his specialty: the 
combination total-immersion baptism 
and wet-T-shirt contest. 

DIE, DIE, DIEI —Richard Simmons, in his 
first dramatic role, portrays a mad 
slasher who hides out in the refrigera- 
tors of plump women and attacks them 
when they go for a midnight snack. 
OVUM: SCIENCE FOR THE SENSUOUS INTEL- 
ictuar— "Coming Together in Tahi- 
ti”: Anthropologist Harry “Burning 
Spear” Wilson takes us to the heart of 
an ancient Polynesian ritual the natives 
call Hide the Plantain. The science spe- 
cial also looks at marlmetism, spindry, 
blanderphilia and other sexual prac- 
tices we can't find in Western dictionar- 
ics. Coming soon on Ovum, a probing 
look at "The Myth of the Vaginal 
Orgasm" and new photos from the 
electron microscope that will change 
your mind about the chemical bond. 
TOPLESS THEATER— [his year, American 
plays with Yorkshire accents, produced 
in Great Britain by the famed Topless 
Company of Glasgow. Kicking off the 
season is The Glass Menagerie, Ten- 
nessec Williams’ sensitive study of fan- 
tasy, reality and the fami| 
up on Topless Theater: 
Journey into Night, Tobacco Road, 
My Sister Eileen and Who's Afraid of 
Virginia Woolf? 

MOVIE OF THE WEEK—Terror on a Small 
Blue Sea: Looking for fun at swinging 
Club Foot in tempestuous Jamaica, 
Debbie and Cindy get a shocking sur- 
prise. After smoking a spliff the size of a 
salami, the girls are kidnaped by a rev- 
olutionary reggae group posing as the 
house calypso band and rafted off to a 
strange ordeal on a small blue sea. Is it 
real or a terrible nightmare? A made- 
for-TV movie based on the historic 
Ty-D-bol commercials. 


ast December, we invited a reviewer to 
É select the heirs to ace detectives Philip 
Marlowe, Sam Spade and The Continen- 
tal Op. He cited Asch, Scudder and Spen- 
ser. We tracked down Robert Parker's 
Spenser, a cross between The Incredible 
Hulk and Phil Donahue. He's a weight lift- 
er, a feminist and a private eye. Spenser 
has a friend named Hawk and a girlfriend 
named Susan and a code of difficult honor. 
Parker is one of the few mystery writers 
who give their heroes a continuing present. 
Spenser has to deal with ongoing rcla- 
tionships and obligations to the past. At 
the center of all the Spenscr books is a 
tightly plotted, riveting mystery; at the 
edge is a dialog about sex roles. The blend 
is addictive. The latest in the series, The 
Widening Gyre (Delacorte), involves polit- 
ical blackmail, a Senate campaign, drug 
abuse, sex, the Mafia—in short, it reads 
like today’s headlines. Deft and compel- 
ling. There are ten more, in case you get 
hooked—and you wi 
. 

The title goes a long way toward 
explaining Very Much a Lady (Little, 
Brown), Shana Alexander's meticulously 
rescarched look at Jean Harris, the woman 
convicted of killing the best-selling diet 
doctor Herman “Hi” Tarnower. Osten- 
sibly a modern woman in a 14-year, “no 
strings attached" fling with the wealthy 
Westchester County doctor, Harris was, in 
the end, a practiced conservator of the old 
feminine values. She contained her anger 
and her tears and subverted her own self- 
interest in favor of her man's. And with so 
many of her needs going unspoken, it's not 
surprising that she couldn't maintain the 
same cool detachment as her passionless 
paramour. The result was a depression 
that continued for years and went unac- 
knowledged by Harris until she was in 
prison. Her increasing psychological con- 
fusion had been kept in limbo by drugs 
prescribed in outrageous supply by Tar- 
nower, who enjoyed telling her that hc 
didn't love anyone. Despite Alexander's 
i ing a complete picture, one 

з: What did Harris ever 


question rem: 
sce in that guy, anyway? 
. 


“He mounted her, parting her legs, giv- 
ing the white inner flesh of her thighs a soft 
deep pinch, and clasping her right breast 
in his left hand, he thrust his sex into 
her, ." And so forth. The Claiming of 
Beauty (Dutton) is this ycar's entry 
in the tasteful-erotica sweepstakes. It was 
written by a world-famous author under 
an alias: A. N. Roquelaure. It is quaint, 
articulate, baroque and fashionably por- 
nographic. Like the Story of O and Nine 
and a Half Weeks, it deals with bondage 
and discipline. A girl is awakened, taken to 
a castle, humiliated, spanked, paraded 
naked through the streets and passed 


‘Spenser: an addictive detective. 


Parker's detective series, 
Jean Harris’ troubles 
and high-tech talk. 


Anew perspective on Jean Harris. 


around. The trouble is there's very little 
real sex. Maybe it's the wave of the fu- 
ture—after all, you can't catch herpes 
from a whip. 


. 

Those of you who thought a liberal-arts 
degree was sufficient equipment to deal 
with real life have had a rough couple of 
years. It doesn’t matter how adroit you are 
in explaining Ahab's internal conflicts 
when everyone else is talking acid rain, 


chronobiology, Gódel's proof and post- 
Heisenbergian physics. Techno-nerds are 
the new darlings of cocktail parties, and 
some of them are pretty good at Donkey 
Kong. What to do? Howard Rheingold 
and Howard Levine's Talking Tech (Quill) 
will help you hold up your end of any con- 
versation you find yourself having with 
someone who sports a slide-rule tie clip. 


б 

Ed McClanahan's first novel, The Natu- 
rol Mon (Farrar, Straus & Giroux), is a 
natural gas. The time is a summer and fall 
in the late Forties, the place a little north- 
ern Kentucky town, a dull jerkwater town 
to Harry, the 15-year-old narrator— 
until a bounder named Monk arrives 
from sophisticated Cincinnati. He's an 
orphaned prodigy, huge, worldly, en- 
gagingly obscene, a not-so-sweet-16 won- 
der descended straight from Rabelais’ 
Gargantua by way of Mike Fink. Monk 
calls his dick The Big Inch and his fart-on- 
command nether region The Toothless 
One. He has a sexy tattoo, knows every 
dirty joke in the book, shoots a mean stick 
of pool and takes no shit from anybody— 
not even from his new dad, coach of the 
hapless Needmore Bulldogs. Harry be- 
friends Monk, in all his awful charm, and 
both in their own fashion lust over the 
more-than-ample delights of Oodles Ock- 
erman, tipping the scales at 225 or so, a 
delectable marshmallow of unmappable 
expanse. The Natural Man is a fine comic 
novel, pitch-perfectly told. 

. 

It’s amazing how much trouble John 
Dillinger got into during the few months 
he was free of prison and on the run. In 
Harry Patterson's novel Dillinger (Stein & 
Day), the rascal rips off a Chevy, heads for 
Mexico, gets into many scrapes—several 
shoot-outs, a mine collapse —before head- 
ing back to Chicago to get blown away by 
the FBI. The author, a.k.a. Jack Hig 
doesn’t have it this time. Under either 
name. 


BOOK BAG 

Banker (Putnam’s), by Dick Francis: A 
young banker goes gumshoe when his 
company invests in a race horse whose first 
foals are congenitally deformed. Francis is 
on familiar turf, but this one misses by a 
couple of lengths. 

God Made Alaska for the Indians: Selected 
Essays (Garland), by Ishmael Reed: Reed’s 
latest collection has its ups and downs but 
contains one gem of a piece, “The Fourth 
that’s worth the cover price. 

ESO (Warner Books), by Alan P. Brauer, 
M.D. and Donna Brauer, edited by 
Richard Rhodes: An easy-to-follow sex 
manual based on the work of the Brauers, 
ESO sets out to teach you and your part- 
ner how to achieve extended sexual 
orgasm. A real comer. 


RIDE A MOTORCYCLE 


THAT DIDN'T BREAK ANY 
SPEED RECORDS 
ON THE ASSEMBLY LINE. 


Today, there are any number of 
ket through 
away in 13 
seconds. Or less. 
All the more reason to consider 
how fast these same machines are 
rocketing through the factory. A 


furnished by virtually any 


sturer except 
d reason 


un bul ipa 
48. Yamaha. 70. And Hondi 
aa raising 9€ 
Eyebrow-raisir 
BMW engineers. Who have long 


Inc. The BMY 


| believ 


that mass production leads 
tO mass compromise. 

And whose predilection for hand 
craftsm. 
neering has | 
tain ther taut, 


But or 
speed in 
So unl 


which is far less likely to 
disrepair. 
y, in fact, that BMW's 
defects in 
їл 


workmanship and materials с 
our machines for 3 years and 
limited number of miles** 

Or, in other words, for 3 times 
longer than that of almost any other 
motorcycle on the road today. 


THE LEGENDARY 
MOTORCYCLES OF 


n un | 


Hennessy 
The civilized way 
to say good night 


f s 
и! 


Imported by Schalfelin & Co. New York. NY. 80 Proot. 01983 


== d 


Rocker, Setzer and Phantom 


¡OMPADOURABLE: Аз hot trends go, 

revitalized rock-a-billy isn't much of a 
threat to such true pop sensations as hang- 
ing by one's feet, American Gigolo-style, or 
becoming an autobiographizing anchor 
woman. But as a trio of baby-faced high 
school dropouts from Long Island called 
The Stray Cats are proving, plugging into 
that nervous, rib-sticking, redneck Fifties 
rock—and the greasy, strut-happy style 
that it now inspires—is one sure answer to 
a lot of people's problems. 

I have problems—not knowing what 
trends to latch on to, among them—so I 
jumped at the opportunity to consult with 
the band. What I most wanted to know 
was what it would take for me to become a 
neo-rock-a-billy ace. 

Considering that an increasingly bald- 
ing 32-year-old was asking that of lads 
whose youthfulness, artfully waxed pom- 
padours and long, prominent tattoos were 
far beyond ‘his genetic and pain-enduring 
reach, howls of laughter would have been 
an appropriate response. But the Cats, 
who attained stardom in England shortly 
after impulsively moving there in 1980, 
then hit it big back home, stayed соо! 
“That's pretty rock-a-billy,” said stand-up 
drummer Slim Jim Phantom, 21, referring 
to my flannel shirt and cowboy boots. 
“They wear that in England, a lot of 
them.” 

“You don’t have to look the part to feel 
it," guitarist and group leader Brian Set- 
zer, 23, added. 

“Yeah,” keynoted Lee Rocker, the 
diminutive string bassist, who looked even 
more boyish in his nostalgic, patterned ski 
sweater 

But it quickly became obvious that the 
members weren't speaking for themselves. 
“I love putting on a Gene Vincent song 


and dancing, dressed up like a cat,” said 


Setzer. “I was 15 or 16 the first time I 
heard Be-Bop-a-Lula on the jukebox. Man, 
that was just it. I cut my hair really short 
and greased it back. I seen a picture of 
Eddie Cochran and just wanted to look 
like him. I wouldn't go out without my 
hair greased up. 

“So here we were, in these old-man cor- 
ner bars, with pink suits, pompadours, tat- 
toos, earrings .. . they thought we were 
from Mars. After getting the shit knocked 
out of us a couple times, we started to get 
our own following. And people stopped 
calling us punk rockers at the local mall. 

“I probably thought it was so cool be- 
cause everyone had real long hair and bell- 
bottoms then,” he explained. “I always 
wanted to be opposite, to be a rebel. I 
didn't feel comfortable with the Grateful 
Dead, you know?" 

I did know, exactly, which gave me a 


genital deafness, 


HOT 
1. Bob Seger and The Silver Bullet Band / 
The Distance 
2. Carlo Moria Giulini and The L.A. Philhar- 
monic / Beethoven Symphony No. 5 
. Irakere / El Coco 
Red Rider / Nuruda 
Grover Washington, Jr. / The Best Is Yet 
to Come 


шеш 


TRUST US 


The records listed below left should all 
be in your collection if you tend toward 
eclecticism, as we do. The others? They 
should be in your collection if you tend 
toward self-abuse, depression or con- 


momentary empathic lift above thoughts 
of unpompadourable hair. But the band’s 
post-flower-power, rebels-without-a-cause 
attitudinizing took an unfortunate tum: 
They started putting down my favorite 
rebels with a cause, The Clash. “They 
really get carried away with that political 
bullshit, and they can hardly play as it is,” 
said Setzer. 

“If you want to find out about the Third 
World, you buy The New York Times,” 
added Phantom. 

They pointed out that they don't avoid 
important issues entirely. “Most of our 
songs are about cars, girls and booze,” 
said Setzer. “But some are about situa- 
tions that have pissed us off. Rock This 
Town [their breakthrough American sin- 
gle] is about going to corner bars and 
hearing disco instead of rock ‘п’ roll on the 
jukebox. That whole Saturday Night Fever 
thing was the worst.” 

It was not, I decided, the right time to 
bring up Slim Jim’s passing resemblance 
to John Travolta, so I mentioned another 
dark-haired greaser, New York rock-a- 
billy singer Robert Gordon. “He's hokey,” 
said Setzer. “He hates us,” laughed Phan- 
tom. As do numerous young rock-a-billy 
bands who have been unable to match 
their success, the Cats said. 

"What's happened with us is, you kno; 
like what happened with the Beatles,” said 
Setzer. “The problem is, once you open 
the floodgates for people, they always 
resent you. They never fuckin' admit that 
you were the ones. You really can't be a 
savior.” 

I know an exit line when I hear one, so, 
tucking my rock-a-billy aspirations under 
my flannel shirt, I headed on out. Waiting 
for the elevator, I wondered what such un- 
sung rock-a-billy legends as Sleepy 
LaBeef, Charlie Feathers and even the 
more widely known Joe Ely would make of 
Setzer's final pronouncement. Just as 
Rocker strolled by, the elevator doors 


NOT 


. Buddy Love 

2. The london Symphony and Royal Cho- 
ral Society / Hooked on Rock Classics 

3. Exercising Together: A Sensuous Pro- 
gram for Lovers and Intimate Friends 

4. Synergy and Larry Fest / The Jupiter 
Menace (sound track) 

5. Diamond Head / Borrowed Time 


3 “Couture. Excellence in fitted shirts. 


SSy* 


у Henne 


PLAYBOY 


32 


opened and a man in a suit walked out, 
uttering the words "You little whipper- 
snapper.” There was reason to believe that 
the man wasn't addressing the Stray Cat, 
but I accepted the remark as the answer to 


my question anyway. —áLoyD SACHS 


REVIEWS 


Hank Williams, Jr., has one of the top. 
country bands working, his kick-ass vocal 
style is one of a kind and his songwriting 
isn't half bad, either. So what can we say 
about his latest, Strong Stuff (Elektra/ 
Curb)? We'd say it's a pretty accurate title. 

. 


Who comes from New Jersey, has blue 
eyes and has just recorded a new album? 
Did you guess Joe Piscopo, Saturday Night 
Live’s ace impressionist? On 1 Love Rock "n* 


she would a dress: to see if it pleases. The 
McGarrigles make for more challenging 
company. Their new album, Love Over and 
Over (PolyGram), collects little bits of real 
life and puts them in musical clothes. They 
can joke around; they can goof off; they 
can make moving, objective remarks, And 
if one of the obligations of all women 
singer/songwriters is to articulate how 
men break hearts, they can do that, too. 
Оп I Cried for Us, a dry-eyed look at what 
it’s like when it’s over, Kate fingers a fresh 
wound that inexplicably doesn’t hurt so 
much anymore, These girls make for a 
great date. 


. 

Sefel Records has a new batch of Sound- 
stream-engineered digital recordings 
featuring Afpad Joó and the London Sym- 
phony that, like Sefel’s 1981 Bartók collec- 


‘THE DEVIL WENT DOWN то cas: Have yau noticed that Charlie Daniels’ songs tend to deal 
with current events? We've finally figured out where Charlie gets his inspiration: from 
the evening news. In fact, here ore a few titles we're expecting from him any day naw: 
Let Ме Navigate Your Love Canal; I Gave My Computer the Boot Because | Know Haw 
to Caunt оп My Fingers; Give College Faotball Back to the Irish; 1 Picked You Up at 
Walgreen’s—Now You're Tylenol ta Me; I'm Giving No Quarter to Video Games; In- 
flotion's So Bad Naw, | Can't Even Pay Attentian; Haig's Gone (and | Wonder Who's 
Kissinger Naw); and A Few Minutes with Andy Roaney Is Mare Than I Can Take. 


= 


اٹ 


Roll (Columbia), he expands his precise 
television portrayal of Ole Blue Eyes, forc- 
ing Frank through jazzy renditions of Cold 
as Ice, Under My Thumb and Hit Me with 
Your Best Shot, among others. We don’t 
know whether or not most people can lis- 
ten to this record again and again, but 
we're sure one guy from New Jersey can’t. 
. 

Kate and Anna McGarrigle do us the 
favor of saying what's on their minds; it's 
the sort of information a lot of women 
don't trust men with. Linda Ronstadt, for 
example, tries on a song in the same way 


tion, puts a premium on well-considered 
interpretations and absolutely clean sound 
reproduction. One disc features work by 
Ravel and includes a version of Daphnis 
and Chloe that is a lot less caloric than 
most, plus Pavane pour une Infante Défunte 
and Bolero. If you can't get laid with this, 
something's terribly wrong. Also in the 
series are Zoltan Kodály's Háry János Suite, 
coupled with Janáček’s Sinfonietta Юг 
Orchestra Opus 60 and Tchaikovsky's Romeo 
and Juliet with his Theme and Variations from 
Suite Number 3. But the meatiest offering, 
Brahms's Symphony Number 4, is, with few 


reservations, just this side of wonderful. 

Joó is comfortable moving the symphony's 

big shoulders without failing his own 

arms around too much. Watch this record 

company. It’s doing some very nice work. 
5 


Double Fantasy was just too painful to 
listen to very often. Its sweetness was 
made bitter by the ugly facts. But now we 
have The Jahn Lennon Collection (Geffen) of 
greatest hits and it feels good to hear those 
and other songs Lennon recorded for 
Geffen and Capitol Records. Time has 
smoothed the edges. Side one repeats some 
of the sharper, more brittle political mate- 
rial from Shaved Fisk, Lennon's earlier 
“greatest” compilation. To have all these 
cuts on one record is like taking a Ror- 
schach test. And when you get to the final 
lines, “No longer riding on the merry-go- 
round, / I just had to let it go," you begin 
to see Lennon’s life as a work in itself and 
you know that, wherever heis, he survives. 

. 

“I am the god of hell-fire,” said the 
quaint 1968 hit single by The Crazy World 
of Arthur Brown; and with it, the lanky 
British singer spawned and influenced an 
entire generation of theatrically inclined 
rockers, from Alice Cooper to Kiss to 
David Bowie. He now resides in Austin, 
"Texas, and has a brand-new LP, Requiem 
(Republic Records, Р.О. Box 5820, 
Austin, Texas 78763), that might best be 
described as progressive synth-rock with a 
conceptual bent and interesting to boot. 

. 

There's a real gutsiness about early 
opera, before embellishments and refine- 
ments took over. Now John Eliot Gardi- 
ner leads his soloists, choir and musicians 
(on period instruments) through just such 
a gutsy rendition of Purcell’s 17th Century 
The Fairy Queen (Archiv), a musical 
adaptation of Shakespeare’s A Midsummer 
Nights Dream. This digital recording cap- 
tures a lot of the cnergy and the surprise of 
а new musical form getting birthed. This 
piece makes you rethink a lot of the operas 
that came after it. If you're tired of “Mean 
Joe" Verdi's Aida, this is good news. 


. 

Marshall Chess, whose father, Leonard, 
cofounded Chicago's epochal rock-blues 
label Chess Records in the early Fifties, is 
probably best known for his hectic stint 
as chief executive of Rolling Stone Rec- 
ords during the glory years, 1971-1977. 
But last year, the Chess catalog's current 
owners asked him to organize a long-term, 
high-quality reissue line for the label, 
featuring classic sides long out of print. As 
Chess told us recently, "How could I re- 
sist? I literally grew up with this label as a 
family business, watching people like 
Chuck Berry, Bo Diddley and Muddy 
Waters recording at nine aM. after gigging 
all night long. I remember the first time 
Berry came into the office, with a demo 
tape of a song he'd written called Ida Red. 
My father told him to go home and rewrite 
the lyrics; Chuck came back in a week with 


PLAY IT KOOL 


THE MAGAZINE OF MUSIC...FROM KGDL 


VOLUME ONE/NUMBER ONE 
4 
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PLAY IT KOOL 
Managing Editor 
Wendell S. Abern 


Executive Art Director 
John A. Thomas 
Senior Editor 
Jay Fisher 
Contributing Writers 
and Discographers 
John McDonough, John Milward, 

Bill Milikowski 


Art Studio 
Jack O'Grady Studio 


Artists 
Bart Forbes, Ooug Plarson, 
Robert Meyer 


Consultant 
Lynn Van Matre. 
Popular Music Critic 
(Chicago Tribune) 


Typographer 
Oesign Typographers, Inc. 
Printer 
Lehigh Press, Inc. 


Publisher 
Lincoln R. Lewis, Jr. 


Koo! Jazz Publications 
1600 W. Hill St. 
P.O. Box 35090 
Louisville, Ky. 40232 


FROM YESTERDAY'S 


Y M 3 x 


MELTING por, 


Mn 


Ever wonder how popular 
music first became popular? 
What kind of music your 
favorite performers listened 
to when they were young? 
Which musicians influenced 
others? 

Play It Kool provides the 
answers. And many others. 
This first annual edition was 
created in order to let you 
take a step back and look at 
today's entire musical scene; 


to show you how the complex 
forms of popular music influ- 
ence each other; to look at 
how it all came about. 


. Listen to 
ic, or Joe Jackson 


Today's 
Blondie, 


today and you'll hear inno- 
vation and excitement. 
Connecting these sounds to 
our musical beginnings is like 
trying to find the similarities 
between the space shuttle 
and the Wright Brothers' bi- 
plane. Are there links? Can 
they be traced? Some say 
yes, some say no. One thing 
we know for sure: the one 
simply couldn't have hap- 
pened without the other. 
Southern beginnings. 
A hundred or so years ago, 
with people from all over the 
world contributing to Ameri- 
can culture, we invented a 


new kind of music. Although 
we certainly didn't know it at 
the time. 

This first truly “American 
Music” was born in the 

South, largely out of 
— ignorance of accepted 
musical forms. It had strong 
African influences as well as 
healthy doses of European and 
North American work songs. 
But this new form wasn't a 
result of any sort of serious 
musical study. That would 
almost certainly have 
prevented it from happening 
at all. 

For this wasn't music by 
the book; it was music from 
the heart—felt, rather than 
learned. Few pieces were 
written down on sheet 
music; musicians simply 
taught songs to each other 
by playing. And whenever 
some tune was plunked or 
stomped or sung, it was 
never done the same way 
twice. Because nobody ever 
quite felt the same way twice. 

From forms to names. 
"The music came to be known 
as jazz, and its various sub- 
categories— blues, rock, 
soul, ragtime, etc. —defy 
classification. Perhaps it 
should simply be called 
American music; perhaps 
it really doesn't make any 
difference. 


What does make a 
difference is that no other 
musical form has been so 
responsive to the moods of 
the performer or, on a much 
larger scale, the twists and 
turns of history. 

Nowhere is this illustrated 
more graphically than in the 
evolution of Rock. It began in 
the early 1950s, at a time 
when jazz had reached its 
“be-bop” phase and most pop 
music had become bland 
through "sameness." 

Enter a raucous but slick 
group called Bill Haley and 
the Comets, and a country 
kid with the unlikely name of 
Elvis Presley. Music has not 
been the same since. 

Rock represented a dis- 
tinct departure from the 
mainstream, and most jazz 
players of the day rejected it 
outright. Many still do. Yet 
early Rock was tame com- 
pared with what was to 
come. 

Music as a reflection of 
the times. The turbulent 
'60s re-shaped the form and 
gave it substance. The as- 
sassination ofa President, an 
unpopular war, drugs, sexual 
freedom, the fight for racial 
equality, the entire youth 
movement—all provided 
ample fuel for the Jaggers 
and Lennons and Joplins. 


Meanwhile, jazz wasn't 
exactly standing still. Some 
mainstream players, like 
Buddy Rich, were pumping 
new life into the big band 
sound, which threatened to 
become an endangered 
species. “Free jazz'—a dis- 
sonant cousin to its standard 
form—reflected the attitude 
of a troubled nation. And 
Miles Davis, already a 
legend, launched an entirely 
new form called fusion, 
which represented the first 
real bridge between jazz 
and rock. 

Crossovers have occurred 
ever since, Today, musical 
ideas from the rock form will 
sometimes creep into ajazz 
player's repertoire. And 
jazz, because it still acts as a 
musical voice for the player's 
feelings, crops up in rock 
performances. 

The yet-to-be. Some- 
where out there, new 
rhythmic patterns and new 
chord structures are just be- 
ginning to stir in the minds of 
someday-famous musicians. 
When those ideas bear fruit, 
we at Play It Kool will em- 
brace them. 

And we will be as pleased 
to bring you the story behind 
tomorrow's music. ..аз we 
are to share with you the joy 
of today’s. 


Ultra Kings, 2 mg. "tar", 0 .3 mg. nicotine; Lights Kings, 9 mg. 
“tar”, 0 .8 mg. nicotine av. per cigarette by ЕТС method; Filter Kings, 
16 mg. "tar", 1.1 mg. nicotine av. per cigarette, FTC Report Dec. '81. 


Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined 
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health. 


© 1983 B&W T Co. 


The Kool Jazz Festival is back. The great soloists, the 
big bands, the outstanding stars, the unforgettable sounds. 
Coming your way once again. Don't miss them. 
Washington/Baltimore + St. Louis + Philadelphia • Cleveland + Pittsburgh • Hampton 


New York • Minneapolis • Cincinnati + Seattle • Atlanta • Newport • Chicago • Detroit 
San Diego + Los Angeles + Louisville • Dallas • Houston • New Orleans 


San Francisco + Milwaukee 
LxJ 
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There's only one way to play it... ~ 


THE KOOL 


SIX OF THE COUNTRY’S LEADING PERFORMERS 
SPEAK CANDIDLY ON INFLUENCES, CROSSOVERS, 
AND THE FUTURE OF MUSIC: 


DONALD FAGEN Formerly one-half of Steely Dan, Fagen is 
one of boplrock's leading songwriterlsingers. He released his 
first solo album last year, The Night Fly. 


MAYNARD FERGUSON Premiere musician who began his 
career with Stan Kenton in the '40s and has set standards of 
virtuoso trumpet playing ever since. 


JOE JACKSON Rock musician, singer and composer whose 
fifth album, Steppin’ Out, made it to the top of the charts 
last year. 


RAMSEY LEWIS One of the most popular and gifted jazz 
pianists of our time, Lewis experimented with fuston techniques 
before the musical name “fusion” even existed. 


OSCAR PETERSON Sometimes thought of as “The pianist's 
pianist,” Peterson has maintained the integrity of the classical 
jazz idiom even while experimenting with newer forms. 


LUTHER VANDROSS Honey-voiced rhythm & blues singer. 
Vandross began career as background vocalist. . . is now suc- 
шу producing for Aretha Franklin, Dionne Warwick 
and others. 


You might think a jazz musi- 
cian would have little to say 
about Country music. And 
that rock performers have little 
to do with jazz. 

You would be wrong. Just 
as we were. 

We asked six ofthe top stars 
in the country how they feel 
about today's different musical 
forms; who influences them; 
where they think music is 
headed. 

There were many surprises. 

To begin with, Donald 
Fagen began his successful 
rock career by listening to jazz 
greats like Miles Davis and 
Sonny Rollins. 


KOOL: So what happened to 
Elvis, Buddy Holly, and all 
that? 

FAGEN: Well, I liked Chuck 
Berry and Fats Domino and 
people of that era. But then, 
when I discovered jazz, I be- 
came an incredible snob and 
stopped listening to rock and 
roll completely —and didn't 
re-discover it until about '64 
or '65. My discovery of jazz 


MUSIC FORUM 


coincided with, I think, a 
change in rock and roll from 
being basically R&B-based 
black music to white music. 
The vitality seemed to go out 
of it. At the same time, I 
thought jazz was extremely 
vital because of all those 
great people in the late '50s. 
KOOL: You say you re- 
discovered rock around '64 
or '65. Was it The Beatles 
who brought you back to it? 


FAGEN: Yeah, right. To 
me, The Beatles were great. 
Melodies, harmonies. . . 
everything. I thought they 
were terrific. 
KOOL: Then you had split 
affections. Did youjust listen 
to everything after that? 
FAGEN: Yes, but mainly 
blues. Muddy Waters, 
Howlin’ Wolf, Bo Diddley, 
people like that. Blues was 
the big rage by the time I got 
to college. 
KOOL: Did you start a group 
there? 
FAGEN: Yes. We had. . .just 
...acouple of pick-up groups. 
KOOL: Were they already 
mixing jazz and rock? 
FAGEN: Well, my harmonic 
vocabulary comes from jazz, 
so I always had jazz chords in 
the songs. 
However, despite his admit- 
tedly strong jazz roots, 
Fagen seems to feel it has 
little future. 
KOOL: Do youthink jazz is a 
tradition that's in trouble? 


FAGEN: Yes, I think it's re- 
ally been in trouble for some 
years now. Since about the 
middle '60s really. To me, 
jazz history is sort of a mi- 
crocosm of musical history in 
general. All music evolves in 
stages—and, like serious 
music, jazz has evolved into 
atonahty. On the serious, or 
classical side, only other pro- 
fessors of music go to the 
concerts now—and I think 
this same thing has happened 
to jazz in the past 50 or 60 
years. It has evolved into an 
avant-garde music that has 
completely lost its audience. 


Ramsey Lewis expressed an 
opposite point of view. He 
told us, “Jazz is a creative 
artform that reflects the so- 
ciely that presently exists,” 
and that jazz, after flirting 
with other influences dur- 
ing its evolution. . . is now 
re-finding its audiences by 
re-finding itself. 
KOOL: Where do you think 
jazz stands today? Do you 
think it possesses the integ- 
rity of, say, the/50s, or do 
you feel it’s become too 
wrapped up with fusion and 
rock? 


LEWIS: I respected Hendrix, 
but 1 did not get into his 
music until later. When first 
heard him, it was something 
new and fresh to me... the 
way he was utilizing the jazz 
idiom. He was definitely sort 
of a bridge between rock of 
the '60s and jazz going into 
the '70s. 


One of the most interesting 
facets of our interviews 
deals with early influences. 
When Donald Fagen told 
us of his teen-age snob- 
bishness toward jazz, we 
thought the same might be 


LEWIS: I think jazz is pulling 
away from so-called fusion. 
Jazz went through a period 
where it tried to imitate the 
rock artist. Concerts in big 
halls, big money, this, that, 
and the other. But were 
sort of going through a re- 
evaluation period now that 
has taken us back into night 
clubs. You find a lot of jazz 
today in New York night 
clubs as well as in Chicago 
and Los Angeles. We're sim- 
ply resorting more to just 
playing again. 

KOOL: Do you think jazz has 
gone about as far as it can 
go in terms of its quest for 
freedom? 

LEWIS: Oh, no. There are 
always musicians to remind 
us that there are still un- 
explored territories and that 
other things can be done. 
Things with pianos and other 
instruments. Everything 
need not be the 4/4 straight 
ahead, eight to the bar, 
AABA formula, and so forth. 
In every era there is always 
that group of musicians tap- 
ping you on the shoulder say- 
ing, "Yeah, but there's 
another way...” 


Lewis, an astute observer 
of the entire musical scene, 
surprised us by finding 
links between jazz and 
Country music. 


KOOL: Your music seems to 
have some fairly close ties to 
gospel music in a sense. Do 
you ever feel you've been in- 
fluenced by any of the de- 
velopments in the Country 
field that have surfaced in the 
last decade or so? 
LEWIS: Гуе noticed that real 
Country music—not so 
much pop Country—has a 
very close similarity to the 
blues. The almost whining 
tone, the simple chord struc- 
tures, constantly singing 
about love lost, love found, 
or, “Got my man,” or, "My 
bills aren't paid" There's a 
close similarity there. 
Lewis agrees with the 1982 
down beat article that 
claims rock star Jimi 
Hendrix was heading 
toward jazz near the end 
of his career. 


true of others. Not Luther 
Vandross. His first im- 
pressions were not of jazz 
berformers, but of popular 
female singers. 
KOOL: Was there anything 
in particular that inspired you 
to become a singer? 
VANDROSS: Well, I was 
always able to plunk out a 
song on the piano—even at 
an early age, like three or 
four. Then. .. remember 
Murray the K, who used to 
host the Brooklyn Fox 
Shows? 
KOOL: Sure. 


VANDROSS: Well, I used to 
go to those every Christmas 
and Easter. Then one time— 
out comes this woman. I'll 
never forget her. She was 
wearing a red chiffon dress, 
and she sang the song called, 
"Anyone Who Had a Heart.” 
Knocked me down! I mean, 
that was like new stuff to my 
ears! Well, that was Dionne 
Warwick. And I think going 
to see her in person just fas- 
cinated me to the point that I 
said, "I want to do this" 
KOOL: Was that your pre- 
ferred style? I mean, you 
would have been listening to 
Sam Cooke by that time, too. 


"Bow-eee, Bow-eee!" I lis- 
tened to that all the way 
through. It was enough to 
"Bowie" me into oblivion! 
But then David Bowie said, 
"The point is to get your 
stage perspective together, 
to get over the initial hurdle 
—the nervyness of what 
you're doing. Just do it for 
you—to develop your own 
flair" So I did it for months. 
And after a while, the audi- 
ences started enjoying it. 
KOOL: Do you think rock 
and R&B are interacting— 
kind of cross-pollinating each 
other? 

VANDROSS: Oh, I think 
rock and roll has been a high 


KOOL: There really didn't 
seem to be much in early 
rock and roll that most jazz 
musicians could use, but in 
the late '60s, the introduc- 
tion of hard rock and elec- 
tronic instruments seemed 
to have a much greater 
impact on musicians with 
jazz roots. 

FERGUSON: Yeah, but re- 
member, by that time the 
rock musician had grown. 
His three to four chords and 
his lovely tight waist and 
beautiful hairdo were not all 
that was necessary in his 
world any more. He was 
growing just as the world of 
Jazz had grown. Both went 


14 >> 
VANDROSS: Well, I was 


never really a Sam Cooke 
fanatic as I grew up. My fa- 
vorite singers were always 
the ladies. Dionne Warwick, 
Aretha (Franklin), Gladys 
Knight, Roberta Flack. Ijust 
always loved them. I loved 
Sam Cooke too, but he was 
not really an influence of 
mine. 

KOOL: When you toured 
with David Bowie, it must 
have been quite an experi- 
ence for you, singing before 
arock crowd. I mean, there 
he was, kind of like New 
Wave before it had happened 
...avant-rock doing rhythm 
and blues. It must have been 
interestingto see how arock 
audience reacted. 
VANDROSS: Yeah. Well, at 
the first performance that I 
did, everyone was yelling, 


grade of R&B. 

KOOL: How about jazz? 
Does jazz get into R&B 

at all? 

VANDROSS: Oh, I don't 
know. Гуе never been a big 
jazz connoisseur. I don’t 
really know jazz that well. 


Because we live in such 
Specialized times, we tend 
to think that experts know 
only about their own fields. 
For example, we wouldn't 
expect a pediatrician to be 
able to tell us much about 


brain surgery. Music 
doesn't work that way. 
Here, Maynard Ferguson, 
classical jazz trumpet 
player, provides interesting 
insights on the growth of 
rock, 


through stages of infancy, 
right? 
When performing, 
Ferguson seems to cross 
over easily from one form 
to another. 


FERGUSON: I do a thing on 
stage sometimes with Ron 
Pedley, who's a brilliant 
young pianist from North 
Texas State. We do a lot of 
improvising. Sometimes it's 
rock-oriented, and that's 
when he really takes it down 
on any number of synthe- 
sizers. Atother times, we go 
into classical —then he's а 


IX 

fine bebopper. Then we'll hit 
one section where we play in 
various keys, and it's all in 
the classical motif. 

Because he is so familiar 

with so many musical 

forms, Ferguson doesn't 


merely talk aboutmusic; he 
talks in music... as evi- 
denced by this descriptive 
answer lo our question. 


KOOL: Have you found 
rock performers to be good 
improvisers? 

FERGUSON: Well, they've 
got their thing together now 
. but it's also in their way. 
For instance, when I'm in In- 
dia, the rock phrasing for In- 
dian musicians is much easier 
for them than the jazz phras- 

ing because we can do that 
“ling-a-ding” thing, right? 
But when we go to the even 
8th notes of the normal, 
mostly rock sounds, like, 


*Boomp-umpadung-ding- 
каке Doo 

it might come out, "Dooey- 
dooey-dooey-dooey- 
duyudu-do-dee" one minute, 
or "Shabadu-shabadu- 
shabadu-oops" the next. 


Ferguson believes that mu- 
sical crossovers begin from 
the time a performer first 
learns an instrument. 
KOOL: To what extent do 
you think that the whole 
flush of hard rock in the late 
'60s and early '70s influenced 
your vision of what a big jazz 
band should be. 
FERGUSON: Practically all 
musicians in our multi- 
directional media have been 
fusion people from the be- 
ginning—when they picked 
up an Arbin book called, 
*How to Play the B-flat 
Tenor Saxophone;" or “How 
to Play the B-flat Trumpet.” 
We study in aclassical way— 
there are no bebop licks, no 
alternates to the chord pro- 
gression, and so the fusion 
starts there. Nowadays, a 
wise musician will try to be 
part of aconcert band, a 
marching band, the jazz band 


m-buyumga;" 


in school, all at the same 
time, so he gets a really 
well-rounded education and 
learns all of the sounds 

he can produce on his 
instrument. 


Some performers actually 
work at using different. 
styles in their compositions 
and arrangements. Such 
as Joe Jackson. 


KOOL: Does the music 
you're writing influence what 
youre listening to? 
JACKSON: Yes, I would say 
so. I've always been into all 


kinds of different things; it's 
like I soak up music like a 
sponge. I just listen to ev- 
erything that I can. I might 
be listening to Duke Elling- 
ton one minute and The 
Cramps the next. Anything is 
possible. In terms of writing, 
I work at songs, not at 
styles. Actually I don't even 
think I have a style of my 
own. Rather, I consider my- 
self a songwriter trying to 
produce music of some qual- 
ity, and whether I use a Latin 
rhythm or a reggae rhythm 
or a rock rhythm doesn't 
seem so important. What I'm 
interested in doing is combin- 
ing elements of different 
styles if they fit the song. 
KOOL: When you were a 
kid, what inspired you to 
become a musician? 
JACKSON: The first piece 
of music I can remember 
being truly moved by was the 
theme to “Exodus” I was 
moved to tears by it, and it 
made me aware of the incred- 
ible power of music. After 
that, it was The Beatles and a 
lot of dreadful pop groups. 
So, suddenly I wanted to be 
in a pop group, but some- 
thing went wrong and I got 
into Beethoven instead. 


KOOL: Did you find in 
Beethoven what you were 
looking for in pop? 
JACKSON: I don't exactly 
know. I mean, it's all music, 
and, when it's good, it gives 
you all sorts of inspiration, 
but it just does it through 
different feelings. 


Jackson has guarded views 
on the future of music. 


KOOL: Do you see video as 
havingan effect on popular 
music? 

JACKSON: I think videos 
are fine in themselves, but 
feel that their relationship to 
music is suspect. Video can 
become just another factor 
that detracts from the music 
itself. I can imagine it reach- 
ing a point where someone 
will say, “You're a great 
musician, you've written 
great songs, but so what? We 
want to see how you come 
off on video.” This is already 
happening in England. Stupid 
bands come along with great 
haircuts, make a single, put 
out a video and appear very 
glamorous and important. 
Within a year or two, they're 
completely forgotten. It's 

as if being a musician is no 


longer enough—that's what 
worries me. 

KOOL: Do you find that 
much of contemporary music 
doesn't even aspire to having 
alasting impact? 
JACKSON: Well, the world 
just keeps moving faster and 
that makes much of what 
happens transient. So yes, I 
do find that. It depresses me 
because there must be some 
important musicians out 
there who have to find some 
way to get through all the 
fads. It's the old answer, of 
course—they'll just have to 
work very hard. 


Oscar Peterson, candid as 
ever, pulled no punches. 


KOOL: Do you think that 
fusion has perhaps contrib- 
uted to the confusion of what 
jazz is? 

PETERSON: Yes. Certainly 
from the public's point of 
view. medium of fusion 
has been overused. . .and the 
commercial vultures are 
always waiting to pounce 

on something they see the 
public reacting to. Because 
of the way fusion was intro- 
duced, those vultures have 
tried to bring pop music, 
fusion and jazz all together. 
Ithink that has been very 
unfair to jazz and mistreated 
fusion. 

KOOL: Do you share the 
opinion of some, that Miles 
Davis' Bitches Brew album in 
the late '60s brought about 
the fusion of jazz and rock? 
Or do you see roots beyond 
that? 

PETERSON: І see roots 
beyond that. But when it 
happened, I think a lot of the 
players still wanted to play 
Jazz and retain the jazz idiom. 
When they began integrating 


the new fusion into their 
music, it negated the fact that 
Jazz was a separate entity. 
That, I think, was a bad re- 
sult. You don't have to lose 
the identity of one type of 
music just because you use 
parts of another. 


Peterson also did not hold 
back when asked about 
improvising on modes. 


KOOL: One of the common 
grounds shared by jazz and 
rock players in the '60s and 
"70s seems to be the idea of 
improvisation on modes 
rather than chords. One 
doesn't hear much of that in 
your playing. 


PETERSON: Because it 
bores me. 
KOOL: Can you discuss 
why? 
PETERSON: If you improvise 
on modes, you tend to be- 
come a circular player, to 
go more.for effects than im- 
provisations. When you use 
moving harmonies, how- 
ever, you can go vertically, 
horizontally, diagonally. 
Modes are boring. And I'll 
tell you something else. 
(They're so boring) I'd hate 
to be in one of those rhythm 
sections. 
Onc of the characteristics of 
Peterson, as with any truly 
great artist, is that he has 
always demanded more of 
himself than his audiences 
have demanded of him. 


KOOL: Do you think that the 
pressures of success have 


had any substantial effect 

on you? 

PETERSON: The success 
has been primarily a cause 
for worry. I have to keep on 
taking a harder look at my- 
self. I believe that to be a 
success in jazz, if I may be 
very candid, you either have 
to sell out —and I mean that 
just the way it sounds—or 
you have to be so dedicated 
that people finally accept you 
for what you are. I do a total 
update on myself at various. 
times. . .and I have to keep 
doing it because I know what 
I do transcends the jazz 
world and draws various 


kinds of people. I've been 
venturesome in my playing. 
I've gotten into writing. I'm 
continually looking to expand 
whatever I'm doing without 
being ungrateful for the suc- 
cess I've enjoyed. But if I had 
to go back to a lower level of 
income to do what I want to 
do. . . that's the way it would 
have to be. 


The Kool Music Forum— 
influences, attitudes, feel- 
ings. By next year, each of 
our six interviewees might 
have completely different 
points of view. . . because by 
next year, music will have 
changed again. 


JAZZ 


Recordings captured and preserved the 
growth ofjazz for more than 60 years. They 
spread precedent-shattering new ideas to 
anyone who would listen; inspired and 
taught; altered young musicians’ visions of 
what was possible. . . and sped up those 
changes by reaching in weeks audiences 
that live performances couldn't have 
touched in centuries. Best ofall, they didn't 
go away. Today, they preserve this 
country's most original music form in all its 
diversity. 


TRADITIONAL 

The Louis Armstrong Story, vols. 2, 3, 4 
(Columbia) 

Louis Armstrong Plays W.C. Handy 
(Columbia) 

Sidney Bechet, Master Musician (RCA 
Bluebird) 

The Bix Beiderbecke Story, vols. 2, 3 
(Columbia) 

The Ellington Era, vol. 1 (Columbia) 

Fletcher Henderson, Development of an 
American Orchestra, 1923-37 
(Smithsonian Collection) 


SWING 


Benny Goodman: 1937-38 Jazz Concert No. 2 


(Columbia) 

Giants of Jazz: Count Basie (Time Life 
Records) 

Giants of Jazz: Lester Young (Time Life 
Records) 

Giants of Jazz: Art Tatum (Time Life 
Records) 

The Complete Lionel Hampton: 1937-41 
(RCA Bluebird) 


Giants of Jazz: Coleman Hawkins (Time Life 


Records) 


Roy Eldridge: The Early Years (Columbia) 
Eddie Condon, Jam Session at Commodore 
(Columbia/Commodore) 
Solo Flight: the Genius of Charlie Christian 
(Columbia) 
Duke Ellington Carnegie Hall Concert: 
January 1943 ыс) 
Johnny Hodges, Hodge Podge (Epic) 
Spirituals to Swing Concerts, 1938-39 
(Vanguard) 
BE-BÓP 


Charlie Parker, Savoy Sessions Master Takes 
(Savoy/Arista) 


WELL-ROUNDED 
RECORD 


Charlie Parker, The Best of Bird on Dial 
(Warner Brothers) 

Dizzy Gillespie, In the Beginning (Prestige) 

Woody Herman, The Three Herds 
(Columbia) 

Miles Davis, The Complete Birth of Cool 
(Capitol) 

Gerry Mulligan/Lee Kontz, Revelation 
(Blue Note) 

Lennie Tristano, Cross Currents (Capitol) 
Norman Granz Jam Session: Parker, 
Carter, Hodges, Webster (Verve) 

The Modern Jazz Quartet, European 
Concert vols. 1, 2 (Atlantic) 


Thelonious Monk, Brilliance (Milestone) 
Clifford BrownlMax Roach at Basin Street 
(EmArcy) 

Charlie Mingus, Pithecanthropus Erectus 
(Atlantic) 

Sonny Rollins, Saxophone Colossus and 
More (Prestige) 

John Coltrane, Giant Steps (Atlantic) 


MODES AND FREE JAZZ 

Miles Davis, Kind of Blue (Columbia) 

Cecil Taylor, In Transition (Blue Note) 

Ornette Coleman, Free Jazz (Atlantic) 

Bill Evans, The Village Vanguard Sessions 
(Milestone) 

John Coltrane, Afro Blue (Pablo) /Ascenston 
(Impulse) 

Art Ensemble of Chicago, Urban Bushman 
(ECM) 


The tradition of mingling jazz and popular 
musicis an honorable one. In the late 1920s, 
Louis Armstrong switched from a 
traditional jazz band to a full size orchestra, 
and from stomps and blues to popular 

songs. It may have been the beginning of 
the Won movement in jazz. Forty years 
later, Miles Davis ignited the modern fusion 
style by incorporating the electronic 
technology of rock into a series of 
recordings that changed from then on the 
relationship of jazz to rock. A generation of 
great young musicians found their identity. 
Electronic innovations made the recording 
studio itself an important instrument in 
jazz. Just as it had in Armstrong's time, the 
fusion style of the '60s and '70s re-shaped 
the first principles of jazz and pointed it 
toward the future. 


FUSION 

Miles Davis, Bitches Brew (Columbia) 

Herbie Hancock, Head Hunters (Columbia) 

Chick Corea, Return to the 7th Galaxy 
(Polydor) 

Weather Report, Heavy Weather (Columbia) 
John McLaughlin, Between Nothingness 
and Eternity (Columbia) 

Jean Luc Ponty, Imaginary Voyage (Atlantic) 

The Crusaders, The Best Of... 

(Blue Thumb) 

Pat Metheny Group, American Garage 

(ECM) 


RHYTHM & BLUES 


Rhythm & Blues is just what it says: an 
emotional feeling with a beat. Soul, the 
Black pop music that blended the holy with 
the hit parade, is similarly well-named. The 
directness of these 'tags' echoes the spirit 
of the music. Whether it evokes a pain in 
your heart or an itch in your dancing shoes, 
this is strong medicine, and even better 
music. 


Ray Charles, A Man and His Soul (ABC) 

James Brown, Live and Lowdown at the 
Apollo, Vol. 1 (Solid Smoke) 

Various Artists, 64 Greatest Motown Hits 
(Motown/Cinco) 

Stevie Wonder, Original Musiquarium 1 
(Tamla) 

Aretha Franklin, Aretha's Gold (Atlantic) 

Otis Redding, History of Otis Redding (Atco) 

Sly and the Family Stone, Greatest Hits 
(Epic) 

Michael Jackson, Off the Wall (Epic) 

Parliament, The Mothership Connection 
(Casablanca) 

Donna Summer, Bad Girls (Casablanca) 


Various Artists, The Okey Series: Soul 
(Epic) 

The Drifters, Golden Hits (Atlantic) 

Marvin Gaye, What's Going On (Tamla) 

B.B. King, Live at the Regal (ABC) 

Sam Cooke, This Is (RCA) 

William "Smokey" Robinson and the 
Miracles, Anthology (Tamla) 

Wilson Pickett, The Best of Wilson Pickett 
(Atlantic) 

Various Artists, the soundtrack to 
The Harder They Come (Mango) 

Robert Johnson, King of the Delta Blues 
(Columbia) 

Earth, Wind & Fire, That's the Way of the 
World (Columbia) 

Various Artists, Okey Soul (Epic) 

Various Artists, Greatest Rap Hits, Vol. II 
(Sugarhill) 

James Brown, Soul Classics (Polydor) 

The Impressions, The Vintage Years (Sire) 


COUNTRY 


Cheatin' lovers, train whistles, and a whole 
lot more, country music captures the 
America located between the coasts. 
Despite some successful cross-overs into 
the hyphenated world of country-rock and 
country-pop, there is a bare-bones essence 
to great country that is as American as a 
long drive down Highway 31. 


Hank Williams, 24 of Hank Williams" 
Greatest Hits (MGM) 

Bob Wills & his Texas Playboys, Bob Wills 
Anthology (Columbia) 

Tammy Wynette, Greatest Hits (Epic) 

The Carter Family, Legendary Performers, 
Vol. 1 (RCA) 

Johnny Cash, The Legend (Sun) 

Merle Haggard, The Best of the Best of Merle 
Haggard (Capitol) 


George Jones, Double Gold George Jones 
(Musicor) 

Bill Monroe, Bean Blossom (MCA) 

Willie Nelson, Red Headed Stranger 
(Columbia) 

Dolly Parton, The Best of Dolly Parton 
(RCA) 

Jimmy Rodgers, Best of the Legendary 
Jimmy Rodgers (RCA) 

Elvis Presley, The Sun Sessions (RCA) 

Hank Williams, 24 Greatest Hits, Vol. 2 
(MGM) 

Loretta Lynn, Loretta Lynn's Greatest Hits 
(MCA) 

The Byrds, Sweethearts of the Rodeo 
(Columbia) 

Nitty Gritty Dirt Band, Will the Circle Be 
Unbroken (United Artists) 

Jerry Lee Lewis, Best of Jerry Lee Lewis 
(Smash) 

Tom T. Hall, Tom T. Hall's Greatest Hits 
(Mercury) 

Merle Travis, The Best of Merle Travis 
(Capitol) 

Waylon Jennings, Lonesome, On'ry and 
Mean (RCA) 

Joe Ely, Live Shots (MCA) 

Kris Kristofferson, Me and Bobby McGee 
(Monument) 

Ernest Tubb, The Ernest Tubb Story (MCA) 

Emmylou Harris, Roses in the Snow 
(Warner Brothers) 


ROCK 


Rock and roll, like a good car, covers alot of 
territory. It can sound like thunder or the 
tinkling ofa bell. It can prompt you to forget 
your troubles or make you think of new 
ones. Inherently rebellious, the brightest 
rock talents break the rules. These records 


have paved the way for continued expan- à 
sion—for rock and roll, like a good car, still 
has a long way to go. 


Chuck Berry, The Great Twenty-eight 
(Chess) 

Bob Dylan, Highway 61 Revisited (Columbia) 

Buddy Holly/the Crickets, 20 Golden Greats 
(MCA) 

Van Morrison, Astral Weeks (Warner 
Brothers) 

Bruce Springsteen, Born to Run 
(Columbia) 

Elvis Presley, Golden Records (RCA) 

Jimi Hendrix Experience, Are You 
Experienced? (Warner Brothers) 

Beach Boys, Endless Summer (Capitol) 

The Beatles, Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Heart's 
Club Band (Apple) 

The Who, Who's Next (MCA) 

The Rolling Stones, Let It Bleed (London) 

The Band, The Band (Capitol) 

Elvis Costello, This Year's Model 
(Columbia) 

The Doors, The Doors (Elektra) 

The Beatles, Revolver (Apple) 

The Rolling Stones, Exiles on Main Street 
(London 

Allman Brothers Band, Live at the Fillmore 
East (Capricorn) 

The Velvet Underground, The Velvet 
Underground and Nico (Verve) 

The Kinks, The Kinks Kronikles (Warner 
Brothers) 

Elvis Presley, The Sun Sessions (RCA) 

Phil Spector, Greatest Hits (Warner 
Brothers) 

Derek and the Dominos, Layla (Polydor) 

Little Richard, Grooviest 17 Original Hits 
(Specialty) 

Fleetwood Mac, Rumours (Warner 
Brothers) 


This list of records—covering five impor- 
tant categories of music—has been care- 
fully compiled by two well-known writers in 
the musical profession. 

John McDonough, selecting the jazz and 
fusion albums, has been contributing editor 
and senior critic for down beat Magazine 
since 1969, and has also been published in 
the New York Times, High Fidelity, The 
Chicago Tribune and many other publica- 
tions. In addition, he has written five of the 
Time-Life series books, Giants of Jazz, and 
received three Grammy nominations for 
best album notes. 

John Milward— who has recommended 


albums in the rhythm & blues, rock, and 
country categories —was an Associate 
Editor of the Rolling Stone Encyclopedia 
of Rock, pop music critic for the former 
Chicago Daily News, and has contributed 
articles to People, Cosmopolitan, Playboy, 
Penthouse, New York News, Musician, 
Gentlemen's Quarterly, and many other 
publications. 

We would like to point out that while 
classical albums would be necessary for a 
truly well-rounded collection of records, we 
have deliberately omitted that category, 
since this publication deals only with the 
subject of ‘popular’ music. 


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the new version, Maybellene, and we cut it 
that day.” 

The first releases from the Chess reissue 
line confirm that this is, ind à labor of 
love. Wizards from the Southside features 

intage, blue-chip originals from the likes 
of John Lee Hooker, Litle Walter and 
Sonny Boy Williamson, while Muddy and 
the Wolf revives two sizzling late-Sixties 
sessions that paired Howlin’ Wolf with 
such British blues disciples as Eric Clap- 
ton and Charlie Watts and paired Muddy 
with their American counterparts Mike 
Bloomfield and Paul Butterfield. The Great 
Twenty-Eight reprises Berry's greatest carly 
hits in chronological order, Aretha Gospel 
focuses on a 14-year-old wonder who'd 
already found her majestic style; The Dells 
is bedrock Chicago — soul—quintet- 
harmony style—at its best; and Billy 
Stewart: The Grectest Sides remembers a 
sensitive, wide-ranging R&B song stylist 
All these sides have been carefully recut 
from the authentic Fillies master tapes, so 
the sound quality is often better than that 
of previous waxings, especially on the Ber- 
ry cuts. Without Chess Records, rock "n 
roll probably wouldn't sound the same as 
it docs today, and these reissues are a great 
place to catch the original spirit. 


SHORT CUTS 


Ozzy Osbourne / Speak of the Devil (CBS): 
Four sides of heavy metal, live. I's enough 
to make you wonder which came first— 
the rabies or the bat tick. 

The Platters / Platterama (Mercury): The 
commendable greatest hits on onc side and 
a medley of the same on the other. Talk 
about the second time around! 

АВС / The Lexicon of Love (Mercury): This 
is supposed to be New Music, butin the old 
days, we called it disco. 

The Morrells / Shake and Push (Borrowed 
Records): This Missouri band has been 
around long enough to sy 
less blend of R& B, roc 
ing jive into roadhouse r: 
your next beer party. 

Trio (Mercury): Very funny German rock 
produced by Klaus Voormann. Da Da Da, 
with its Casio rhythm section, is especially 
catchy. 

Crystal Gayle / True Love (El 
lum): 


thesize а scam- 
billy and jump- 
ch. Get it for 


tra/Asy- 
funk, no country, all crossover; no 
y, all 


The Call / Modern Romans (Mercury/Poly- 
Gram): The Band's Garth Hudson is on this 
album, but that doesn't keep it from having 
a crisp, modern sound. We hope that this 
second ellort gets more recognition than the 
excellent but overlooked first one. 

The Jom / Dig the New Breed (Polydor): 
Although this band is already extinct, these 
live performances are jumping. Its likely 
that this is The Jam you'll want to 
remember. 

Sonny Rollins / Reel Life (Milestone): With 
a little help from Jack DeJohnette, Rollins 
reminds us that good jazz is therapeutic. 


FAST TRACKS 


BIG WHEELS KEEP ON ROLLING OEPARTMENT: From the looks of things, two guys who can dono 
wrong are Andrew Lloyd Webber and Tim Rice. Between them, they've created four 
Broadway hits: Jesus Christ Superstar, Evita, Joseph arid the Amazirig Technicolor 
Dreamcoat and Cats. You'd think they'd be taking a break. They are—from each other. 
Rice has joined up with Abba to create a rock opera, and Webber plans a musical 
about trains. These two are personally responsible for keeping the neon business healthy. 


FELING AND ROCKING: Monty Python's 

Graham Chapman, one of the screen- 
vriters who created the upcoming 
pirate/adventure comedy Yel 
says the concept lor the movie 
from Keith Moon, not long before he 
died. . . . Bow Wow Wow will be featured 
in a movic called Scandalous, with Sir 
John Gielgud, who will a pensioner 
punk sporting a Mohawk haircut. 
The Mamos and the Papas will be the sub- 
ject of a film produced by Mama 
Michelle Phillips. . . . Joe Jackson has 
written and recorded the score for 
Mikes Murder, starring Debro Winger. 

NEWSBREAKS: Sheena Easton is working 
on a TV special for NBC Billy Pres- 
ton reports that he's planning to record 
with Ray Chorles. Stevie Nicks 
has recorded a duct with Bob Seger for 
her album The Wild Heart, due ont 
any minute. . . . Crosby, Stills ond Nash 
ave a video release and a live album 
coming. .. . Tom Petty will be the subject 
of a cable special written by Cameron 
(Fast Times at Ridgemont High) Crowe, 
who plans to use old and new lootage of 
the band. . . . Eric Clapton's latest album 
boasts a fine bunch of helpers, includ- 
ing Ry Cooder, Donald "Duck" Dunn and 
Albert Lee. . . Но! on the Г.А. music 
scene is a group called Wall of Voodoo, 
which started by writing music for 
trashy movies. It's gotten the nod to 
write the main music for Surf 17, а 
highbrow (so we've been told) surfer- 
ws.-punk film. . . . Some long-lost Buddy 
Helly recordings will be surfacing any 
time now, titled Buddy Holly—For the 
Furst Time Anywhere. The collection will 
contain songs recorded by the then-19- 


year-old Holly in a New Mexico studio 
in 1956. . . . 415 Records recently re- 
leased an EP by a New Jerscy group 
called PoproPies, which docs both a 
punk and a rap version of the Dead's 
Truckin’ That in itself wouldn't be such 
a big deal, except for the fact that the 
Dead happen to love it. Jerry Garcia says 
that they sometimes gear up for rchears- 
als on the PoprorPies. .__ First Daugh- 
ter Potti Dovis has been recording in 
London. ... s 
backup (along with Mary Hopkin) on the 
Linda McCartney solo sessions. И all goes 
well, the project may develop into an 
album produced by Tony Visconti, best 
known for his work with David Bowie. 
RANDOM RUMORS: We hear that Mick 
has received $2,000,000 for the rights to 
his autobiography lrom the British 
publisher Baron Weidenfeld. If it's true 
and Mick's truthful, it will be worth 
every penny they're paying him 
Our nomince for the w record of the 
month comes to us from a group in 
Long Island called Controlled Bleeding. 
"The song? No Flies on Fred. 
New York State is a classi 
dating service. You answer questions 
about your musical tastes and get a 
compatible date, Tomara Monique Con- 
roy, who runs the service in Pelham, 
says that four marriages have resulted 
so far. . . . And, finally, a quote from 
Oingo Boingo's Danny Elfman: “It’s like 
we're an organism in a large musical 
body. . . . I think were basically 
thought of as a tumor now, but some- 
day wc will develop into a new organ 
that's . . . healthy.” Who says rock "n^ 
roll is lightweight? 


— BARBARA NELLIS 


33 


IFA CAR IS REALLY AN 
EXTENSION OF ONE'S PERSONALITY, 
WHAT KIND OF PERSON WOULD 
DRIVE A SAAB? 


Not longago, aleadingcar 
magazine called Saab owners 
“the lunatic fringe of the 
American car-buying public” 

Yet according to our statis- 
tics, the average Saab owner 
is male, age 38, college-edu- 
cated, works ina managerial 
job, and earns over $40,000 a 
year. He is married and has 
1.2 children. 

The fact is, both descrip- 
tions are accurate. 

The fringe. 

Some people call this per- 
son a driving enthusiast; others 
call him a car nut. 

Whatever you call him, he 
buys a car for one reason. 

Economy? Who cares. 
Luggage space? Who needs it. 

His attitude is if a car 
doesn't give you goose bumps 
when you drive it, what's the 
point of owning it. 

For him, even a drive to 
the supermarket should be ex- 
hilarating. 

For that, Saab’s front-wheel 
drive and taut suspension give 
him the cornering ability of a 
sports car. 

And every time Saabs new 
APC turbocharger kicks in, he 
feels like hes just engaged 
warp drive. 

Engineering philosophy 
doesn'tinterest him. Results do. 

Often, he belongs to a car 
club. 

Not the kind with leather 
jackets and secret handshakes. 

But every month or so, 


they sponsor an event called an 
Autocross. Much to the dis- 
may of the local townspeople, 
club members roar their Saabs 
against the clock through staid 
suburban parking lots. 
Beyond the fringe. 

At the other end of the 
spectrum is the Saab owner 
whois largely responsible for 
the respectable statistics that 
were cited earlier. 

He bristles at Saab’s cult 
car reputation. He thinks of 
car clubs in the same light as 
motorcycle gangs. 

Nonetheless, he does 
realize that many of Saab's 

“radical” innovations like turbo- 
charging, front-wheel drive, 
and aerodynamic design have 
broader applications than just 
blowing your neighbors BMW 
off the road. 

He sees the safety in high 
performance every time he 
merges onto a crowded free- 
way or passes a truck on a 
two-lane highway. 

And, in a Saab APC Turbo, 
this performance is attained 
without sacrificing fuel econ- 
omy. In fact, the APC system 
actually improves gas mileage’ 

He sees the logic of Saab's 
front-wheel drive and four- 
wheel disc brakes, especially 
after the first snowfall. Or the 
last rainfall. 

Even Saab's hatchback de- 
sign, which some find uncon- 
ventional, he finds practical, 
considering that it gives his 


Saab the carrying capacity of a 
station wagon. | 

And not only does his Saab 
have plenty of room for lug- 
gage, it also has plenty of room 
for people. More, in fact, than 
many elitist cars. —— 

For those who insist on 
luxury for luxury's sake, Saab 
has made one concession. 
Some turbo models are now 
equipped with an Exclusive 
Appointments Group that 
includes leather-upholstered 
seats and electric sunroofs. 
(That's really two concessions, 
isn't it?) 

1983 SAAB PRICE** LIST 
900 3-door .... E $10,750 
900 4-door. $11,050 
9008 3-door . $13,550 
9005 4-door . $13,950 
900 Turbo 3-door. 
900 Turbo 4-door. . - - T 
Automatic transmission $370 additional 


$16,510 
$16,910 


Even with leather uphol- 
stery and sunroofs you don't 
have to open manually, Saabs 
have not replaced Mercedes 
and BMW as the standard- 
bearer at the country club. 

But for Saab owners, what- 
ever type they may be, the 
experience of driving a Saab 
outweighs the lure of status. 

It has to. 

How else could they get a 
practical car that drives as well 
as most wildly impractical cars? 
A car that appeals to their emo- 
tions as well as their intellect? 

So what kind of person 
drives a Saab? 

A very satisfied one. 


*Saab9005-speedAPC Turbo:QDEPA estimated mpg, 34 estimated highway mpg. Use estimated тре for comparison only. Mileage varies with speed, triplength and 
weather. Actual highway mileage will probably be less. ** Manufacturers suggested relail prices. Not including taxes, license, freight, dealer charges or options. 


The mostintelligent car ever built. 


36 


laying The King of Comedy (Fox), Robert 

De Niro scems almost as crazy as he 
was in Taxi Driver, also directed bv Martin 
Scorsese. Both virtuoso performances, too, 
though The King strikes me as flimsy and 
specious. Paul Zimmerman’s screenplay 
supposes that а no-talent creep with delu- 
sions of grandeur—the sort of nerd who 
hangs around stage doors to shake hands 
with the high and mighty—kidnaps а 
famous talk-show host and holds him hos- 
tage in exchange for prime time to perform 
his crude, unfunny stand-up-comedy rou- 


tine. Does he then make the covers of 


Time, Life, Newsweek and People, write a 
best seller in jail and get his very own TV 


show? Uh-huh. The last few minutes of 


King of Comedy cover all that, and I guess 
we're asked to belicve it because of the 
media hype that made superstars of John 
Dean, G. Gordon Liddy, Charles Manson, 
even former President Nixon, all richly re- 
warded for wrongdoing. “Better king for a 
night than schmuck for a lifetime,” bur- 
bles De Niro as the asexual schmuck 
named Rupert Pupkin, whose success as a 
TV terrorist suggests that the great un- 


washed American public is made up of 


gullible jerks. No wonder they're taking 
this movie to the Cannes festival, where 
dumb Yanks are de rigueur. The most li 
able characters here arc Jerry Lewis, very 
solid and convincing as the talk-show star; 
Diahnne Abbou (Mrs. De Niro, albeit 
estranged) as a beautiful barmaid Pupkin 
wants to impress; and Sandra Bernhard as 
Rupert’s partner in crime, a rich, de- 
mented TV groupie. She's scary as hell but 
is stalled in a Scorsese limbo between 
hilarity and horror. It’s a downer. ¥¥ 
б 

The same David Seltzer who wrote the 
screenplay of Table for Five (Warner) also 
wrote the lachrymose Six Weeks. He is 
hereby forgiven. Table is a tearjerker on a 
much higher plane—manipulative but 
managed with intelligence, taste and 
enough emotional restraint that you don't 
feel like an idiot for being moved by it. 
"True to form for him, Jon Voight takes a 
risky role and emerges triumphant as a di- 
vorced father of three on a Mediterranean 
cruise to get reacquainted with his brood 
when their mother (Millie Perkins) has a 
fatal accident. He's an irresponsible 
weakling who is forced by circumstances 
to cither grow up [ast or relinquish his kids 
to their stepfather, a kindly, concerned 
lawyer (well played by Richard Crenna) 
whom they happen to like a lot. 

Much of Table for Five takes place 
aboard a cruise ship (the Norwegian- 
American Line's sumptuous Vistafjord) 
that might be seen as a metaphor, though 
director Robert Lieberman manages not to 
belabor the symbolism. This is a personal 


Lewis, De Niro laugh it up as comic royalty. 


Comedy disappointing, 
Videodrome gruesome, but 
Voight's compellingin Table. 


Voight and kids in Table. 


drama of confrontation between a man 
and his children—one a teenaged son he 
adopted in Victnam—and Voight search- 
ingly portrays the hero's pain, confusion 
and awakened conscience. As a sympathet 
ic divorcec aboard ship, France's Marie 
Christine Barrault adds a nice, warm 
touch of sexiness. Roxana Zal, Robbie 
Kiger and Son Hoang Bui play the 
youngsters, who will earn your concern 
long before Voight finally springs the 
terrible news in a wrenching scene at the 


pyramids in Egypt. Vilmos Zsigmond's 
superior cinematography takes full advan- 
tage of the travelog side of Table (the 
title is a reference to Dad's habit of reserv- 
ing a dining table with an extra chair, 
case he gets lucky), while the movie ven- 
tures into troubled waters where The Love 
Boat would never go. Recommended with- 
out embarrassment—if you have a soft 
spot not entirely glazed over by sophistica- 
tion and cynicism. YYYV; 
. 

га cult figure to horror-film 
buffs, writer-director David Cronenberg, 
the Hitchcock of schlock, h: lot of trou- 
ble with his scripts. There's always a hip, 
scary intelligence at work in Videodrome 
(Universal), and you wait—and wait— 
for the explosion of brilliance that 
Cronenberg's talent promises to deliver. 
All that explodes are heads and bodies, 
with gore and bulging eyeballs, designed 


by make-up artist Rick Baker (who copped 
an Oscar for his hideous handiwork on An 
American Werewolf т London). Basically, 
Videodrome turns out to be a pod-pcople 


story trimmings— 


computer-age 
laken” by 

devices | 
chest cavities. HI err on any details, write 
it off to squeamishness, since whole chunks 
of Videodrome were viewed through my 
knotted fi quently 
goes too far, but going too far, for him, is 
the name of the game. Here, he’s got a 
good offbeat hero in James Woods, an ex- 
cellent actor with a penchant for playing 
creeps (at his maniacal meanest in The 
Onion Field) but likely to become a leading 
man in spite of himself—he has that force- 
ful a screen presence. Until a ghastly fate 
catches up with her, Deborah Harry of 
Blondie fame tries another straight dra- 
matic role—for such gigs, Harry has 
plain brown hair—and shows some un- 
tapped potential as a movie actress. Still 
untapped, alas. Because insistent, undue 
emphasis on horrific special effects finally 


with 


ronenberg 


upstages the story, Videodrome never quite 
satisfies anyone's need. YY 
б 

A stunning ensemble of actors is геа- 
son enough to see French director Ber- 
trand Tavernier's Coup De Torchon (Quartet 
Films / The Frank Moreno Co.), which is 
translated as Clean Slate. The star turn 
falls to Philippe Noiret, formidable as al- 
ways in his role as a lawman in a benight- 
ed village in French-colonial Africa circa 
1938. Under the blazing equatorial sun, 
it’s a moral twilight time just before World 
War Two, when Cordier, the policeman, 
becomes so obsessed with questions of 
good and evil that he murders a couple of 
pimps and begins to relish his power to de- 
termine who should live, who should die. 
Tavernier toys with ideas while his players 
perform as if they were up to delicious mis- 
chief. Stephane Audran as Cordier's slat- 
ternly wife, Isabelle Huppert as his casual 
mistress, Eddie Mitchell as his nitwit 
brother-in-law and Irene Skobline as an 
understanding teacher bring of this black- 
ly comic Coup in fine style, more like a vin- 
tage cognac than vin ordinaire. УМУ 

. 

More than 30 years ago, until they were 
blacklisted for their leftist-liberal folk 
songs, The Weavers had achieved cult sta- 
tus as a singing quartet on TV, radio, in 
concerts and on records. Wasn't That a Time 
(UA Classics) is a vital, exciting docu- 
mentary directed by Jim Brown, full 
of wonderful old clips, plus interviews and 
coverage of a 1980 Weavers’ reunion con- 
cert at Carnegie Hall. Lee Hays, a found- 
ing member, died nine months after that 
nostalgic sing-along, but his humorous, 
unembittered comments add a lot to the 
movie, which also waxes nostalgic with 
Pete Seeger and others who helped make 
The Weavers what they were in the days 
when their soaring Tzena, Tzena (to name 
but one of many hits) helped bring folk 
music into the American mainstream. ¥¥¥ 

. 

Indonesia during the dramatic death 
throes of the Sukarno regime in 1965 is the 
setting for Australian director Peter Weir's 
The Year of living Dangerously (MGM/UA). 
Partly filmed in the Philippines, Weir's ex- 
otic, romanticized political melodrama is 
no slice of history like his memorable Gal- 
lipoli, but may fit into a pigeonhole some- 
where between last years Missing and 
such atmospheric classics as Casablanca. 
105 not that good, by a long shot, but 
American-born Mel Gibson—fresh from 
The Road Warrior and probably the Aus- 
tralian star most likely to make it here— 
is virile and dynamic as a fledgling foreign 
Correspondent on the go. And Gibson 
has a dazzling co-star in Sigourney Weav- 
er, as an Englishwoman with good connec- 
tions at the British embassy. While their 
chemistry’s warming things up, the teem- 
ing masses teem, intrigues decpen and a 
cynical corps of diplomats and journalists 


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Harper, Duvall for Mercies' sake. 


continues to party on the brink of the 
abyss, an imminent Communist coup. 

Whether or not The Year of Living 
Dangerously always makes good sense, 
dramatically or politically, may be debat- 
able. It is always entertaining, though, 
which counts for a lot. Among the raffish 
characters who help sustain the high ten- 
sion are Michael Murphy, as a drunken, 
obnoxious reporter with a yen to move on 
to the simmering war in Vietnam, and 
Linda Hunt, an Asian performer of 
dwarfish dimensions who is a surprise on 
several counts. Hunt isa woman cast with- 
out explanation or apology as a male news 
photographer named Billy Kwan—an 
enigmatic creature who becomes Gibson's 
ally, worships Weaver and seems to be 
teaching a crash course on survival in 
chaotic Jakarta. All that—plus a crisp but 
sketchy screenplay by David William- 
son— works just well enough to help The 
Year measure up to its title. ¥¥¥ 


. 

Robert Duvall stars in Tender Mercies 
(Universal), giving another knockout per- 
formance to match his usual high stand- 
ard. Asan alcoholic country singer whose 
best years appear to be behind him, 
Duvall makes rehabilitation look quietly 
heroic. He meets and marries his second 
wife, a young widow (Tess Harper), and 
settles for small pickings at her roadside 
gas station in a Godforsaken corner of 
Texas. He resists nearly every temptation 
to try a comeback despite wrenching 
encounters with his first wife (Betty Buck- 
ley), now a big country-music star herself, 
and the grown-up daughter he hardly 
knows (Ellen Barkin, who played the 
errant young wife in Diner). Tender Mer- 
cies seldom veers from the low-key honesty 
and compassion implied in its title, which 
may peg it as another case of small think in 
a business steeped in reverence for block- 
buster hits. Even so, Horton Foote's sensi- 
tive screenplay turns out to be a fine choice 
for Australian director Bruce Beresford, 


Atime for Mercies, 
Mother Lode and a 
not-so-fine Madness. 


Tyrrell, Gazzara in extraordinary Madness. 


making his first American movie after his 
fine, phenomenal Breaker Morant. In those 
bleak and arid Texas landscapes, Beres- 


ford obviously felt right at home. Mercies 
doesn't generate anything like the dramat- 
ic zing of Breaker yet wins endorsement 
here as a gentle, meaningful, poignant 
change of pace. ¥¥¥ 

D 

Against a backdrop of eye-popping 
mountain scenery in northern British 
Columbia, Mother Lode (Agamemnon) is a 
solid, suspenseful adventure drama writ- 
ten by Fraser Heston, son of Charlton. 
Heston père stars in a dual role, as a couple 
of halfcrazed brothers whose greed for 
gold consumes them; he also directed 
Mother Lode, no doubt to ensure the 24-kt. 
quality of the Heston family enterprise. 
Its a contemporary reworking of those 
gold-fever yarns of yesteryear, all 
about a young hustler (Nick Mancuso) 
whose search for a missing friend is fired 
by his zeal to find a lost El Dorado. Our 
February cover girl, Kim Basinger, is the 
missing pal's gorgeous roommate, and 
she tags along—as is the case in movies 
like this—for the sole purpose of being 
snatched to safety at regular intervals. 
Kim, who'll have just as strenuous a role 
in the upcoming Connery/Bond movic 
Never Say Never Again, has glamor as well 
as grit entirely equal to the single-minded 
gut excitement of Mother Lode. Don't look 
for deep characterizations, though. This is 
pure rainy-Saturday escapism, played 
straight. YY 

. 

A decade ago, Italian director Marco 
Ferreri set off shock waves with The Grand 
Bouffe and continued churning out con- 
troversial epics thereafter. Working in 
English, Ferreri could hardly find a more 
appropriate topic than Tales of Ordinary 
Madness (Fred Baker), derived from or in- 
spired by the life and tomes of San Fran- 
cisco’s literary maverick Charles Bukowski 
(one cited source is Bukowski’s Erections, 
Ejaculations, Exhibitions and General Tales 
of Ordinary Madness). Ben Gazzara effec- 
tively plays the pivotal character, a roust- 
about writer helling around L.A. and 
Venice, California, in search of booze, 
broads and bad scenes of any kind. He 
starts out by lewdly fondling a runawa 
midget, then proceeds to interludes with 
Italian beauty Ornella Muti (as a suicidal 
prostitute), Susan Tyrrell (as a punky trol- 
lop who pokes a giant pin through her 
face) and more, more, more—up to a cli- 
mactic, idyllic shore-front meeting with an 
innocent (Katia Berger) who could be his 
muse, perhaps his salvation. But don’t bet 
on it, Ferreri's flair for the macabre, com- 
bined with Gazzara’s gutsy brand of 
sleaze, makes Tales compelling even when 
it lurches into incoherence. A mediocre 
movie by ordinary standards, though ordi- 
nary standards seldom apply with Ferreri 
at the helm, and his demonic energy serves 
Bukowski pretty well. Go along for the 
ride if you enjoy freaky side trips—down- 
hill all the way, with no power of posi- 
tive thinking to slow your descent. WA 

— REVIEWS BY BRUCE WILLIAMSON 


You belong where 
the Beefeater is. 


— 


| BEEFEATER® GIN. БЕТ Crown Jewel of England" 


LAST YEAR IT WAS 
ATOUGH ACT TO FOLLOW. 
THIS YEAR IT'LL 
BE IMPOSSIBLE. 


gy put to test in the real world. 
And proof that a turbocharged 
cycle could produce 
berbike performance, reliably and 
ciently. 


In 1982, Honda introduced the 
CX500 Turbo. The worl 
turbocharged, computerized, fuel 
injected, liquid-cooled motorcycl 


rollir jowcase 


This у‹ 
one better 

We built a bigger СХ Turb 
CX650 Turbo. Actual! + 
engine displaces 67: 
erably bigger one. But more impor- 
tant, an even bette: 

A lighter, fasten better handling, 
more responsive moto! 

Thanks to its larger displacement 
and revised compre n ratio, our 
new CX produc Se Ss than 
ever before. An as 
horsepowert 


But what you didnt expect is 


that this new turbo starts to come 
at lower rpm. Which mt 

much more 
and mid-range. 

And less turbo lag. 

To ensure ultra-accurate fuel 
delivery, state-of the-art engine 
is matched with an incredibly 
advanced fuel i; - 

d by a digital computel 
h montan, boost pr 


And of course, the c 5 
qually sophisticated. The Pro: 
Link" rear suspension is completely 


ower in the low 


air-adjustable, as are the front forks. 
The triple di 
1 ton calipers and the 
aluminum отоо 
Turbo is 
equipped with TRAC?" our eu lusive 
Torque Reactive Anti-dive Control, 
to reduce forward weight transfer 
during braking. 
As advan s the technology 
may be, the benefits are simple: 
acceleration. Better throt 
ponse. Precise steering. Agile 
handling. And the stopping power 
to match them. 


brakes have our exclu- 


Which means that with all the 
improvements and refineme 
have gone into our brand new 
CX650 Turbo, theres at least one 
thing that stays the same. 

What it does to the competition. 


HONDA 


FOLLOW THE LEADER 


WEAR A HELMET AND EYE PROTECTION 
ailabilty subject to change witho 


a Or write: American Honda, 


¡el taken at the pua 


PLAYBOY 


42 


The way we put 
them together... 


ME 


Wine p < 
LONE ESOS sar cito ect a 


For a бее recipe booklet, write Hiram Walker Cordials, Р.О. Box 2235, Farmington Hills, МІ 48018. 
Amaretto & Cognac. 50 Proof. Hiram Walker & Sons, Inc., San Francisco, CA. 1982. 


FIRE. 


A high-powered rifle blasts. 
a half-inch hole clear through 
a Master lock, andit still holds 
tight! A dramatic test of 
strength filmed for TV. 

There's a Master lock for 


mostanything worth keeping. 
Even special locks for trail- 
ers, guns, bikes and skis. 

Now, who makes locks that 
can take a beating? Master 
Lock, sure as shootin’ 


MOVIE SCORE CARD 


capsule close-ups of current films 
by bruce williamson 


Airplane Il: The Sequel Airborne, with 
its jets sputtering. yy 
Best Friends Marriage-on-the-rocks 
comedy with Burt, Goldie, good inten- 
tions and not much more. yy 
Betrayal Harold Pinter's essay on 
adultery, played by prestigious Eng- 
lish cast. WV 
Coup De Torchon (Reviewed this 
month) French-colonial crime. ¥¥¥ 
TheDark Crystal Henson without Mup- 
pets. YY 
48 HRS. Lively cops-and-killers yarn 
stars Nolte and Murphy (Eddie). УУУ 
Frances If not for Sophie and Streep, 
Jessica Lange might win an Oscar as ill- 
fated Frances Farmer. WA 
Gandhi Triumphant movie bio, with 
Ben Kingsley a great mahatma. YYYY 
Heartaches Margot Kidder vis-à-vis 
Annie Potts as two girls about town on 
the make for Mr. Wrong. WA 
Independence Day How three women 
cope—or fail to cope— with life in mid- 
dle America. Watch Dianne Wiest YYV2 
The King of Comedy (Reviewed this 
month) De Niro slipping from the 


throne. yy 
Mother lode (Reviewed this month) 
Gold fever running pretty high. YY 


My Favorite Year Vintage TV, with 
Peter O'Toole in top form as a drunken 


star doing a guest shot v 
Sophie's Choice Meryl Streep's unbeat- 
able performance makes it. wry, 


Table for Five (Reviewed this month) 
Jon Voight in the Daddy chair. — YYYV2 
Toles of Ordinary Madness (Reviewed 
this month) Crazy but compelling. ¥¥¥ 
Tender Mercies (Reviewed this month) 
Robert Duvall as a country-and- 
western has-been. УУУ 
Thot Chompionship Season Mitchum's 
the coach at a reunion of high school 
athletes drinking to a dead past. ¥¥¥ 
Time for Revenge Man vs. establish- 
ment down Argentine w: Ws 
Time Stands Still Dullish Hungarian 
youth drama—coma-inducing. Y 
Tootsie Dustin Hoffman superb as a 
soap-opera queen in Sidney Pollack's 


blithe, bright social comedy. УУУ 
The Toy All wound up with nothing to 
play, Richard Pryor wings it Y 


The Verdict Playing an alcoholic 
lawyer, Paul Newman limns a wonder- 
fully winning portrait of a loser. УУУУ 

Videodrome (Reviewed this month) 
Computerized pod people as seen by 
director David Cronenberg. yv 

Wasn't That а Time (Reviewed this 
month) The Weavers revisited. yyy 

The Year of Living Dangerously (Rc- 
viewed this month) Muddled political 


drama with finc fringe benefits. УУУ 
Yyyy Don't mis УУ Worth a look 
¥¥ Good show Y Forget it 


Theresa certain 
fragrance to the morning mist 
in Northern Californiawine 
country. 

A fragrance that 
carries with itthe promise of 
California wines. Vintages 
that have become respected 
and savored throughout the 
world. 

Northern California 
winecountry. À distinctly 
American phenomenon. 

Like Dexter shoes. 

Yousee, every pair of 
Dexter shoes is made right here 
in America. Always have been. 
Always will be. Maybe that’s 

we're the country’s largest 
independent shoemaker. 

Northern California 
wine country and Dexter 
shoes. Both alive with the 
spiritof America. 


Ngee is at your o1 


E B Dexter Shoe Company: St-James Ave «Boston. MA CIS, 


44 


зс COMING ATTRACTIONS yv 


por Gossip: Paramount executives were 
so thrilled by Saturday Night Live—er 
Eddie Murphy's performance in 48 HRS. 
that the studio has signed him to an exclu- 
sive multipic pact in which the 2l-year- 
old actor will develop and star in film 
projects over the next few years. Murphy's 
first effort for Paramount will be Trading 
Places (formerly titled Black and White), in 
which he will co-star with Dan Aykroyd, 
Ralph Bellamy and Don Ameche. A comedy, 
the flick will be directed by John Landis. . . . 
Michael (Heaven's Gate) Cimino will direct 
Paramount's Footloose, a contemporary 
drama with music, scripted by Fame lyri- 
cist Deon Pitchford. More details as they 
surface. . . . Armand (l, the Jury) Assante 
has becn tagged to co-star opposite Dudley 
Moore and Nastassia Kinski in 20th Century- 
Fox's Unfaithfully Yours. . . . Paul McCartney 
will top-line Give My Regards to Broad 
Street, a fictionalized account of a day in 


Murphy 


the ex-Beatle's life. Co-stars include Paul's 


Aykroyd 


better half, Linda, and Ringo Starr. . . . Monty 
Python's next film is Monty Pythons The 
Meaning of Life, written, directed, scored 
by and, of course, starring Graham Chap- 
man, John Cleese, Terry Gilliam, Eric Idle, Terry 
Jones and Michael Palin. What's a film with 
a title like that about? “It ranges from phi- 
losophy to social history to medicine to 
halibut,” says Palin. “Especially halibut.” 
Sounds a bit fishy to us. . .. One final note: 
Too bad the Academy of Motion Picture 
Arts and Sciences couldn’t nominate Dus- 
tin Hoffman for Academy Awards for best 
actor and best actress. 


. 

GROSS US OUT DEPARTMENT: Not unex- 
pectedly, there will soon be a film 
titled Valley Girl at your neighborhood 
Bijou. Billed as “a kids’ comedy/love 
story,” the picture concerns the totally 
awesome culture shock experienced by a 
Hollywood boy who falls for a Val gal. 
(The ad slogan is “She's cool, he's hot; 
she's from the Valley, he's not"). Valley 
Girl may be the most farfetched spin-off of 
Romeo and Juliet (the lovers are named 
Randy and Julie) ever attempted, though 
it also seems to borrow a bit from such 
classics as TV’s Square Pegs and Family 
Ties. Deborah Foreman plays the Val gal, 
Julie, and Nicholas (Rumble Fish) Cage is 
Randy, the Hollywood  sophisticate. 


Frederic Forrest (how did he get into this?) 
and Colleen Camp play Julie's parents, the 
by-now-clichéed Sixties couple who feel 
guilty about having become full-fledged 
capitalists. Accompanied by an album 
(natch) featuring music by the Plimsouls 
and Josie Cotton, Valley Girl will be released 
any day now. 


. 

из CROOKS: In what will no doubt be per- 
ceived as a change of pace, French director 
louis (My Dinner with Andre) Malle is 


Sutherland Warden 


currently making a caper film titled Crack- 
ers. Filmed in San Francisco's Mission 
ct, the movie stars Donald Sutherland 
as Westlake, leader of a gang of five would- 
be crooks who plan to rob the safe in a 
pawnshop owned by Jack Werden. Gang 
members include Sean (Fast Times at 
Ridgemont High) Penn (who installs Ward- 
еп somewhat irregular alarm system), 
Wallace (My Dinner with Andre) Shawn (as 
Turtle, a guy who habitually cats anything 
that isn't nailed down), New York stage 
actor Larry Riley, Trinidad (Hill Street Blues) 
Silva and, of course, Sutherland. Christine 
(Playing for Time) Varanski, newcomer 
Tasio Valenza and Irwin Corey co-star, the 
last as a paroled Italian demolitions expert 
who teaches the gang how to blow a safe. 
Malle is an imaginative director, and I'm 
told that this will be no run-of-the-mill 
caper comedy but a humanistic story 


. 

TWINKLE TOES: “Riding her bicycle 
through crowded city streets, Alex Owens 
is captivated by a food of images—a 
policeman orchestrating rush-hour traffic, 


dancers rehearsing on a ghetto street cor- 


ner. .. . In her eyes, all this motion unfolds 
as a dance, a flashdance." So begin the 
production notes to Paramount's Flash- 


dance, starring newcomer Jennifer Beals as 
Alex and Michael (Search for Tomorrow) 
Basically, it's the music-and-dance- 
filled story cf a young girl who works as a 
welder by day and a dancer by night and 
who strugglcs against all odds to realize 
her dream of becoming a full-time dancer. 
More interesting thant the film is Beals, a 
part-time Chicago model and a freshman 
at Yale University, who was chosen for the 
Flashdance role after a talent hunt in which 
more than 4000 girls were interviewed. 


HEARSAY DEPARTMENT: The following are 
gossip tidbits circulating among certain 
Hollywood inner circles at presstime 
Number one: Dolly Parton has been asked, 
will be asked or is merely being considered 
to co-star in Superman IV. Number two: 
There will be a sequel to E.T. The year 
1985. (Remember, folks, these are only 
rumors, though they originate from a fairly 
high studio source.) Number three: Dan 
Aykroyd may be asked to do his famous im- 
personation of Rod Serling to narrate Steven 


т 


| 


Portan 


Spielberg's upcoming Twilight Zone motion 

picture. The film contains four Zone epi- 

sodes; it is rumored that the last character 

seen in cach segment becomes the princi- 

pal character of the subsequent segment. 
. 

BOMBS AWAY: Chevy Chase, Sigourney 
Weaver, Gregory Hines and Vince (Ben Casey) 
Edwards star in Warner Bros? Deal of the 
Century, a comedy-drama about, of all 
things, the defense industry. Chase is Ed- 
dic Muntz, a smalltime player in the big 
league of international weapons trade who. 
finds himself in a position to make the 
deal of the century between a Latin 
American dictator and a giant defense 
contractor called Luckup Industries when 
Luckup's rep commits suicide. The 
weapon on the block is The Peacemaker, 
an ultra-high-tech weapon that flies wi 
out a pilot and destroys withouta thought 
Unfortunately, The Peacemaker has 
flunked the Pentagon’s inspection, so it's 
up to Muntz’s salesmanship to keep the 
company afloat. Weaver plays the Luckup 
salesman's widow; Hines is Muntz's Bible- 
toting partner; Edwards is Luckup's V.P. 
for world-wide marketing. Director is Wil- 
liom (The French Connection) Friedki 

— jons sumera. ED 


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GILBEYS, 


DISTILLED LONDON DRY 


Here's to tastier martinis. With Gilbeys. 
Its the gin that gives all your drinks superb gin taste. 
Gilbey. A gin taste worth a toast. 


THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 


Every day, it seems, I pick up a maga- 
zine with an article declaring that sex is 
dead. Here's a quote from one: “There's 
romance instead of lust, courtship in place 
of seduction. Pushed into the closet by the 
revolution, virginity has pushed its way 
back out.” Such articles would be laugh- 
able except that the woman I am dating 
seems to believe in them. She is all for 
romance, not sex. Can you give me any 
arguments to change her attitude?— B. Û 
Boston, Massachusetts. 

We came across an interesting bit of re- 
search, cited in Lonnie Barbach's “For Each 
Other.” Arvalea Nelson asserts that women 
fall along a romanticlrealistic continuum: 
‘Romantics’ express an idealistic, mystified 
vision of romantic love, while ‘realists’ show a 
rational understanding of conscious sexual 
cooperation. Nelson found that realistic 
women were more discriminaling about their 
sexual activity and were able to tell their part- 
ners what they liked and did not like; they 
were active in initiating sex; they concen- 
trated primarily on themselves during love- 
making and tended to direct lovemaking 
overtly in order to get what they wanted. 
Romantic women, by contrast, did not talk 
about sex, rarely initiated sex, focused self- 
lessly on their partner in an attempt to please 
him and amiably followed their lovers direc- 
tion during lovemaking." 

According to Barbach, “What makes this 
research particularly interesting is that the 
romanticlrealistic dichotomy correlated quite 
highly with the woman's ability to experience 
orgasm. Of the romantic women, 22.7 per- 
cent were high orgasmic, while 77.3 percent 
were low orgasmic. The women in the realis 
tic group had just the opposite response: 
Seventy percent were high orgasmic, while 30 
percent were low orgasmic.” Candlelight 
dinners and roses will never replace great 
sex; they may even be overrated as foreplay. 


Since a recent job change put me up a 
tax bracket or two, I have a lite excess 
money Га like to play with in the stock 
market. Unfortunately, I'm stymied in 
making my first decision: what broker to 
use. Is there a way to choose a good bro- 
ker?—M. S., Washington, D.C. 

To begin with, we'd look for someone with 
a smile on his face. But a smile is so close to a 
grimace that it’s not always a reliable guide. 
The problem is similar to that of choosing a 
doctor, so you may want to use the same solu- 
tion: Ask friends who have good ones to give 
you their names. Then interview those bro. 
hers. There's nothing like a face-to-face inter- 
view to tell you if you're going to enjoy the 
experience. Make sure you and your broker 
know exactly what your investment aims are. 
Moke sure, also, that you know how much 
you can afford to gamble before you write any 
checks. The size and reputation of the broker- 


age house aren't as important as having a 
good relationship with an individual you 
trust. If you're going to give somebody your 
money, you have a right to know where he 
went to school, what courses he took and how 
long he’s been at his job. Don't hesitate to ask. 
But don't be misled by your oum prejudices. 
There are bad brokers in. good. houses and 
some young turks who can deal rings around 
the old bulls. Steer clear of extravagant 
promises and guarantees of a quick doubling 
of your investments. Remember, the stock 
market is a chancy thing and the best anyone 
can do 15 give you an educated guess as to ils 
future. 


White out one night seeking an extra- 
marital affair (no excuses offered), I met 
the only redhead to ever enter my life. She 
was only 23 years old but proved to be 
more woman than 1 had been accustomed 
to, and I was soon involved in an unbeliev- 
able love affair. During the course of lovc- 
making, my mistress (we both hate that 
moniker) likes me to bite hard on her nip- 
ples and to squeeze her breasts, almost like 
“pumping” the gland itself—but much 
harder than I would have thought pleasur- 
able. Naturally, wanting to be a good 
lover, I accommodate her, but I am 
concerned about any possible health risk 
You see, I was always told that foreplay 
with a woman's breasts should involve a 
certain degree of care. Overlooking possi- 
ble slight masochistic tendencies, could 
such “brutal” handling cause her some re- 
grets later?—]J. W., Columbus, Ohio. 

For most people, pain is natures way of 
telling you to pull over to the side of the road, 
that something's wrong. Different people, 


however, have different thresholds of pain 
Apparently, a couple of well-placed wrongs 
make sex right for your partner. Follow her 
lead—she's done this before and knows her 
own limits. 


V notice that after jogging, I drop one to 
three pounds in weight. A friend has told 
me that that is water loss, not weight loss. 
I do sweat a lot, but that seems like an 
awful lot of water to lose. Should I be 
drinking more water before I run?—P. L., 
Tulsa, Oklahoma. 

Your body has a built-in fail-safe system for 
water-level maintenance. When you need 
moisture, you get thirsty. If you get thirsty, you 
should drink. To avoid the problem of dehy- 
dration, most experts suggest that you drink 
as much fluid as you can while exercising, 
whether or not you feel parched, especially in 
heat or in races of 20 minutes! duration or 
10,000 meters or more, For that purpose, a 
water bottle is handy. During vigorous exer- 
cise, you can expect lo sweat away two pounds 
of water per hour. That is the reason boxers 
are able to make their weight by sitting in a 
steam bath before a fight. That kind of rapid 
weight loss is dangerous, though. A lot of 
minerals and salts roll off with the poundage, 
and the body can become overheated. As a 
rule of thumb, you need about a quart of fluid 
for each hour you run. [t also pays lo keep 
your sodium and potassium levels up. When 
in doubt, listen to your body. Sometimes it will 
say, “Take a drink”; sometimes it will urge 
you to “pour it on your head. 


(as 
sibly some advice, with respect to a prob- 
lem my wile and I have experienced in our 
sexual relationship. It seems that while 
orgasm provides me with release of sexual 
and other physical tensions, leaving me re- 
laxed and composed for slecp, it satisfies 
her only sexually, leaving her otherwise 
stimulated. Since our family-and-work 
schedule leaves late evening as the only 
time conveniently available for lovemak- 
ing, she has become increasingly reluctant 
to participate, because she fears not being 
able to get to sleep afterward. She has tried 
to solve the problem by not allowing her- 
self to achieve the excitement that leads to 
climax and difficulty in sleeping; and while 
I appreciate her motive, that kind of sex is 
almost as empty to me as no sex at all. 1 
should tell you that our lovemaking is 
quite free and satisfying for both of us 
when we let loose—a circumstance that is 
all too infrequent. Please suggest a solu- 
tion to our problem.—A. C., Nashville, 
Tennessee. 

Your wife's reaction is normal. Women take 
longer than men to return to an unaroused 
slate after orgasm (usually 10—15 minutes). 
If a woman does not reach orgasm, the 


49 


PLAYBOY 


50 


am 


HARDWARE GENERAL STORE 


JACK DANIEL 
BLACK LABEL T-SHIRT 


| finally did it! | persuaded the Jack Daniel's 
folks lo let me use their famous Black Label 
on a T-shirt. High quality black fabric 
(5095/5095) with white lettering. You know 
it's real, because it has Mr. Jack's signature 
on the back. A must for collectors and the 
ONLY Tshirt authorized by the Jack Daniel 
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delivered. 


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frustration. makes her a prime candidate for 
insomnia. So her self-imposed cure won't 
work. You might try changing your pattern, 
Don't voll over and go to sleep. Afterplay is as 
important as foreplay. You might also be able 
to help her by giving her а back massage, а 
foot massage or whatever she needs to relax 
“following stimulation. 


Miter years of watching the big-screen 
/ at my local hangout, I've decided to 
get one for my home. Frankly, I’m not too 
impressed with the picture quality on 
some of the models I’ve seen. Can you give 
me some tips on buying a projection set?— 
L. B., Indianapolis, Indiana. 

Frankly, we're not impressed with the pic 
ture quality, either, but that's a subjective 
view. Some of the same criteria you would 
use to pick out a smaller model apply to the 
big screens, but you must remember that ev- 
enthing is amplified. Picture brightness is 
critical. Some projectors require a virtually 
dark room before detail emerges. Because the 
screens are convex, viewing angle is also a 
primary consideration, as the picture tends to 
break up toward the edges. If you have a 
small viewing room, you may have problems 
seating everyone in a good spot—unless, of 
course, your guests are good. friends, Also, 
some screens are fragile, which means no soc- 
cer games in the living room. Finally, you 
should understand that the picture can be no 
better than its source. If you have poor recep 
tion on a small TV, you'll have the same оп a 
big-screen TV, except that it will be slightly 
more irritating. We suggest that you judge 
picture quality by use of a VCR rather than 
by network broadcast. That way, you will at 
least know that the projector can put out 
а good picture even if you can't get good 
TV reception. 


ІМ, boyfriend and 1 have been going 
together for a little more than a year. 
When we started dating, he kept referring 
to his ex-girlfriend of three years, with 
whom he had broken up three months be- 
fore 1 met him. After a short time, I felt 
that that was rude and told him so. He 
also kept three seminude 5" x 7" photos of 
her displayed on his bathroom. wall and 
one 8'x 10" photo in his den. After six 
months, 1 felt his lack of consideration for 
me by displaying those photos was in poor 
taste and finally told him so after a big 
argument. Now, after morc than a year, his 
references to her have somewhat dimin- 
ished. He has removed two of the 5" x 75 
from his bathroom, but the 8"x 10” in the 
den remains. Do you think he is incon- 
siderate, still hanging on to the past, or am 
I being overly sensitivc?—Miss B. C., San 
Francisco, California. 

We see nothing wrong with a mans keep- 
ing photographs of his ex, but displaying 
them permanently strikes us as insensitive. 
We're with you. After dating for more than a 
year, you should be the number-one woman in 


his life and he shouldn't really need public re- 
minders of an affair that didn’t work ош. 
Why not have a picture or two of yourself 
made (not necessarily seminude, either) about 
the same size and present them to him as a 
gift? Perhaps he'll display your image with at 
least equal prominence. 


The riders in my car pool have been 
laughing at me, and Га like you to turn 
them around, You see, I drive an automat- 
ic-transmission car. Whenever we have to 
stop for traffic, I shift into neutral. Some- 
times the roads get pretty clogged and I 
figure it's easier on the engine. My friends 
call me a frustrated race-car driver. Can 
you help?—R. L., Newark, New Jersey 

The only thing worse than a back-seat 
driver is a whole carful of back-seat drivers 
We suggest that you do what you think is best 
for your car. If it is prone to overheating, 
then you are justified in shifting into neu- 
tral and gunning the engine to get the waler 
flowing through the block. But different cars 
have different heat limits. Keeping an eye on 
your temperature gauge should tell you what's 
happening, but you have a problem if your 
car is equipped with dash lights. In that case, 
you have to wait until the light blinks. For 
normal stop-and-go driving on an express- 
way, you can leave the car in drive and expect 
no problems. But if the air temperature is 
pretty high, even normal stop-and-go driving 
can overheat your car. By all means, if you 
are stopping for an extended period of time— 
say, for a train lo pass or if there is an acci- 
dent—put the car in neutral. For other short 
stops, putting it in neutral can help, but 
leaving it in drive won't huri. And don't 
forget to use your other drive gears when 
there is an excessive load on your engine, 
such as when going up and down hills or 
parking ramps. The rule is to use whatever 
gear will make it easier for the engine to run 
efficiently. If there is less strain on the power 
plant, it will last a lot longer. 


PRecently, 1 met a lady who enjoys jack- 
ing me off before having intercourse. She 
claims that that thoroughly arouses her, so 
it saves me the time of stimulation 
by foreplay. The problem: She strokes my 
penis so vigorously that she produces cuts 
on my foreskin that are so painful that I 
can’thave sex for sometimes as long as two 
weeks. It takes at least that long for those 
cuts to heal, I know we should use a lubri- 
cant of some kind, but do you know of an 
ointment or a medicine that will expe 
dite the healing process? The pain is 
almost unbcarable.— V. М. Chicago, 
Illinois. 

We have to wonder whether your girlfriend 
is using sandpaper or just gels carried away 
in her enthusiasm. Perhaps you should see a 
urologist to learn if your foreskin is unusual- 
ly taut, Scar tissue on the foreskin may create 
a tight band that can be broken repeatedly, 
causing a vicious circle of more scar tissue. If 
that’s the case, your doctor may recommend 
circumcision—and you would be wise to heed 


NIPPONDENSO e 
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© 1983 NIPPONDENSO OF LOS ANGELES. INC., CARSON, CALIF. in America. 


PLAYBOY 


his suggestion. In any event, he may also be 
able to prescribe an antibacterial (or antibiot- 
ic) ointment to soothe and heal the cuts. And 
you might buy yourself a bottle of baby oil or 
skin lotion and ask your lady to apply a litile 
the next time the two of you indulge. Finally, 
if we may comment, even though she gets 
aroused by masturbating you, you shouldn't 
take the attitude that “it saves the time of stim- 
ulation by foreplay.” Maybe she would 
appreciate your returning the favor. It won't 
hurt to ask. 


ММ... 1 get a new record, I often put it 
on the turntable and play it over and over 
again. I have heard that that is a bad prac- 
lice, that the record actually has to rest 
awhile to return to its original shape. Can 
playing a record many times in succession 
hurt it?—S. T., Dallas, Texas. 

We suspect that whoever told you to rest 
your records was hoping for a little rest him- 
self. The fact is that some wear will occur 
every time you play a vinyl disc, but tests 
under a scanning electron microscope show 
that wear is not accelerated by repeated play- 
ings. Some people think that the heal gener- 
ated by the stylus in the groove can warp the 
groove, but that is only partially true. Heat is 
generated, but only enough to melt the sur- 
face of the groove walls momentarily to a 
depth of a couple of microns. The vinyl re- 
turns to a solid state as soon as the stylus has 


‘Ask for Nocona Boots where quality western boots are sold. Style shown #9052 with Genuine Anaconda Var 3 
NOCONA BOOT COMPANY. END GUSTIN, PRESIDENT -DEFT Оо BOX S09- NOCONA. TEXAS 76285-1017) ez азаз | Passed. The action is analogous to that of an 


ice skate on ice, which floats on a thin film of 
water thal returns to ice immediately after the 
blade has passed. What happens is that the 
stylus will “seat” itself in the groove after a 
certain amount of scraping, and thereafier 


You can lose your wallet, i nga ape ur ne 
, MET ud 
ut you can't lose your 
Uncle Henry. 


stylus can turn it into an old record in a flash. 


[| canes sont erc eire I 
dated one guy for four years. When we 
broke up, I went into a period of celibacy 
and did not have sex with anyone for more 
than a year. Now that I’m back in the 
game, I find that I don’t seem to get es 
cited as easily as I used to. Sex can be 
painful. Is it psychological?—Miss E. C., 
Detroit, Michigan. 

Masters and Johnson found that a long 
interruption in sexual activity makes it hard 
lo get started again. Women are less easily 
able lo lubricate their vagina, and sex be 
comes painful. In short, use it or lose И. 
The situation should reverse itself shortly 


The classic Slockmon 

is the perfect helper for All reasonable questions—from fashion, 

thousand and one jobs. Guaran- food and drink, stereo and sports cars to dating 

teed against loss forone year from date problems, taste and etiquelte—will be personal- 

of registration. ly answered if the writer includes a stamped, 
Uncle Henry also offers self-addressed envelope. Send all letters to The 


i : E Playboy Advisor, Playboy Building, 919 М. 
a leales, Ci See Sino AE Michigan Avenue, Chicago, Illinois 60611. 
The most provocative, pertinent queries will 


be presented on these pages each month. 


U 
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Abrandnewway of getting from here to there that comes It comes with a 12-month warranty. Р 
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DEAR PLAYMATES 


EE vcr since Sigmund Freud popped the 
leading question What do women want? 
people have spent endless hours trving to 
guess the answer. We're still wondering 
about it ourselves. So we decided to ask 
our Playmates. 

The question for the month: 


What do you think a woman looks for 
most in a relationship with a man, and 
vice versa? 


/ Машай ES come ta minds bur 
compatibility, being able to enjoy life 
together, comes first. The world’s a pretty 
serious place now. I’m talking about every- 
thing from the 
general economy 
to paying your 
rent. So you 
hope that when 
you go home, 
someone will be 
there who can 
contribute some 
Jove, somelaughs, 
some camara- 
derie that will 
keep you going. 
I believe that 
you should be able to give a sense of se- 
curity as well as feel secure in a good 
relationship. 


MARCY HANSON 
OCTOBER 1978 


Bees face it: Men and women arc looking 
for someone who wants to settle down, get 
married and be monogamous—a onc-on- 
one relationship with no messing around. 
But wanting 
that kind of 
commitment 
makes women 
very defensive. 
Men are scared 
of itand they're 
negative about 
it, because 
they've been 
hurt a lot. Men 
don’t let their 
barriers down 
enough to trust 
women. As for me, I want to be 
married, beginning a family and carrying 
on my career—all at the same time 


love, 


СОС 


LORRAINE MICHAELS 
APRIL 1981 


| in ET EAE куйи want respect, 
companionship and a lot of love. Women, 
especially, want to feel pampered. For my- 
self, respect is number one. As long as 1 
know a man re- 
spects me, Г 
don't feel I have 
to prove any- 
thing—like try 
ing to prove to 
a man that 
Tm not dating 
him for his 
money or that 
my work is as 
important as 
his. When I feel 
respected and 
the man I care about is my friend, then 1 
fed good. Men want the same things 
What do guys usually want from mc? My 
phone number. 


Cant ge 


CATHY ST. GEORGE 
AUGUST 1982 


His ent tee oc etit fi 
the same things, for the most part, except 
that men are usually more preoccupied 
with women's appearance, no matter how 
much they pro- 
test that kind of 
shallow think- 
ing. Deepdown, 
im their beart 
of hearts, the 
men are look- 
ing for mothers 
and the women 
are looking for 
fathers. They 
want to be 
taken care of 
and they also 
want to care for someone else, of course. 
Sometimes, one or the other wants to be 
protected as a nt would protect a 
child. And sometimes, cach partner is 
looking for equality and friendship. All of. 
those feclings are often interchangeable, 
but I think that about covers it. 


HP rt 


CATHY LARMOUTH 
JUNE 1981 


W think both sexes are looking for some- 
one who can be trusted. Say your boy- 
friend stays out until two or three some 
morning. If he says he's out with the boys, 
you need to be- 
lieve he's telling 
the truth. It takes. 
a long 
build that 
of relationship, 
but I think it's 
very important. 
I find that men 
want to be able 
to trust their 
women, too. I 
think they're 
also looking for 
someone who can provide the domestic 
stuff—someone who will take care of the 
cooking and the cleaning. A mother figure. 


LYNDA WIESMEIER 
JULY 1982 


МИ... 1 go into a relationship, I usually 
don't go in with any expectations. I let go. 
[let the man be himself. 105 total freedom. 
Then we build up trust and love and 
friendship. 1 
can't go into 
a relationship 
picking and 
criticizing and 
nagging. Either 
it will work out 
ог it won't. 
Right? As for 
men, they look 
for a little of ev- 
erything: beau- 
ty, an ego boost, 
security or just 
hanky-panky. Some men arc getti 
and want to settle down. They've gotten 
over their craziness. It depends on the 
man, don’t you think? 


aus (Yue! 


AND. 
1979 


MISSY CLEVEL 
APRI 


Send your questions to Dear Playmates, 
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Avenue, Chicago, Ilinois 60611. We won't be 
able to answer every question, but we'll try. 


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THE PLAYBOY FORUM 


a continuing dialog on contemporary issues between playboy and its readers 


DO IT OUR WAY 

Many years ago, the East German gov- 
ernment decided to crack down on all its 
people watching West German TV. To do 
that, it merely had the school children 
draw the time-telling clock they saw on the 
tube. Sincc East German and West Ger- 
man stations used markedly different clock 
styles, authorities could determine from 
the drawings which of the stations a family 
watched. 

That incident came to mind when my 
seven-year-old child told me about the 
visit of a policeman to his classroom. After 
explaining his work, he showed everyone 
samples of marijuana. Seven-year-olds like 
to talk a lot, and they could unknowingly 
denounce their parents or anyone else just 
in the course of conversation with the nice 
policeman. That surely couldn't be used as 
lawful evidence, but the situation is there 
all the same, 

Some will say that drug education is 
needed in schools, and I agree with that. 
But I don't think it’s necessary to show 
samples. A lecture in more general terms 
would be more appropriate at that age. 
Such a Government isn't far from that 
described in Orwell’s 1984. 

Sylvia Rahner 
Albuquerque, New Mexico 


DRUG BUST 

Advice to old Name Withheld from 
Albuquerque, who was caught carrying 
pot into a rock concert: If you don't want 
to be charged with carrying drugs, then 
don't carry them. 

Marijuana is not physically addictive 
(psychologically, to some people, it may 
be), Pm sure the writer could have waited 
until he got home. That he was busted is 
unfortunatc, but until thc laws arc 
changed, he is a victim of his own 
stupidity. 


Gerald Dylan Jones И 


Walker, lowa 


OPPOSITES ATTRACT 

Since the dawn of time, man has tried to 
understand his past by formulating 
theories on his origin. The current popular 
theories on human origin seem to repre- 
sent two opposite ideas. One is the theory 
of creation, which embodies mostly a cross 
between traditional and contemporary 
spiritual beliefs; the other is the theory of 
evolution, which seems to be based on a 
belief in the scientific process. No one 
theory can encompass the entire realm of 
thought on the subject. Likewise, no two 
people can agree on every detail in either 


the creation or the evolution theory. 

"Therefore, those two theories should serve 

as reference points for human thought. 
Anthony L. Hartle 
Winston-Salem, North Carolina 


SEX AND RUSSIANS 

I recently viewed a talk show on which 
the guests discussed whether or not there 
should be X-rated cable TV. The pro side 
was represented by two men who had 
started such a station; the con side was 
represented by a man who had recently 


“Our moral decadence 
will surely lead the 
Russians to attack.” 


complained to the FCC about a radio sta- 
tion that had played a record flaunting 
several “dirty words." The audience was 
mainly white middle-class women. 
But the thing that affected me the most 
was the emphasis we place on sex. Our 
moral decadence will surely lead the Rus- 
sians to attack. So 1 suggest we fight that 
war with our number-one weapon: nudity. 
The side that gets the most grossed out 
loses and will be taken to POW camps on 
the French Rivi where the winners will 
have their way with them. If I have but 
one sex life, let me give it for my country. 
War doesn't have to be hell. 
Jim Teller 
Cleveland, Ohio 


MEN'S RIGHTS 
Men's Rights, Inc., sent me the fol 
lowing: 


Like hundreds cf other radio sta- 
tions around the country, KOPN 
(Columbia, Missouri) has regular 
programing devoted to women’s 
issues. Unlike most of these stations, 
however, KOPN carries a show de- 
voted to men’s issues. Francis Baum- 
li, coproducer of Men Freeing Men, 
ran into trouble, however, when he 
sought to do a show on men's sexual 
health. 


Tt seems that it was OK for the women's 
show to mention vagina and clitoris but 
not OK for the men’s show to mention 
testicles and penis. So Baumli circulated a 
petition among feminists involved in the 
women’s show. To their credit as antisex- 
ists, they supported equal broadcast free- 
dom for their brethren. The women, on the 
air and with no disclaimer, had already 
referred to the penis, the scrotum and the 
testicles. 

It turns out that females can talk about 
male and female parts, but males can’t. So 
if you are a man in Missouri, fight to end 
sex discrimination so that men can talk 
about male and female anatomy. 

(Name withheld by request) 
Columbia, Missouri 


BOOK BANNERS 

Recently, Mexico, Missouri, was 
another censorship battleground. Begin- 
ning last June, a group of paren i 
ated with a censorship outfit in 
tried to have The Humanist magazine 
banned. In July, they set their sights on 
The Lottery, by Shirley Jackson, the film 
version of The Lottery and Julie of the 
Wolves, by Jean Craighead George, all 
while the Mexico school board was meet- 
ing. They lost on two counts and retained 
some authority over the movie, which par- 
ents must now give eighth-through-I?th 
graders permission to watch. 

As guaranteed by the Constitution, the 
book banners have the right to their be- 
liefs. When, however, are they going to 
learn that the Constitution is for eve 

Henry H. Si 
Mexico, Miss 


NEW CODPIECES 

In regard to the headline above James 
R. Warner's letter in the October Playboy 
Forum- Idea Whose Time Hasn't 
Come”—it appears that Warner has rein- 
vented the codpiece, illustrated and de- 
fined in The American Heritage Dictionary 


57 


PLAYBOY 


58 


as a pouch at the crotch of the tight-fitting 

breeches worn by men in the 15th and 16th 
centuries. 

Warner might try asking a Scotsman. 

what, if anything, he wears under his kilt. 

Edwin L. Ti 

Rockford, Illinois 


WORLD HUNGER 

The letter “Population Control” in the 
August Playboy Forum has prompted me to 
send a correction. 

“The earth cannot produce enough fc 
to sustain even its present population” 
inaccurate. Just two quotes are sufficient 
to illustrate: 

“Most people believe there is just not 
enough food to go around. Yet, despite the 
tremendous wastage of land, the world is 
producing each day two pounds of grain, 
‘or more than 3000 calories, for every man, 
woman and child on carth. That does not 
include fruits and vegetables” (Lappé and 
Collins, Food First: Beyond the Myth of 
Scarcity). 

And, from another source: “The world’s 
present food-production facilities can and 
do grow enough food for every child, 
woman and man on the planet to be opti- 
mally nourished" (Medard Gabel, Ho- 
Ping, Food for Everyone) 

My point is that assumptions that there 
is not enough food makes ending world 
hunger appear rather hopeless. 1 am writ- 
ing this letter to stop that rumor. Hunger 
and starvation persist because of a lack of 
commitment to end them. Period. 

You've done the hungry in our world a 
tremendous service. 


od 


Barbara A. Fricke 
Cincinnati, Ohio 


GOD-FEARING MAN 

The December Forum Newsfront stated 
that a 33-year-old man had been awarded 
nearly $200,000 im a sexual-harassment 
case and that that was the first timé a man 
had ever won against a woman. Not so. 
It's been at least two years, but I distinctly 
remember the female in the Army who 
grabbed a male soldier in the crotch and 
said, “You shrimp, give me a light.” The 
man was a self-styled God-fearing person 
and was not amused. He reported the inci- 
dent to his superiors and the woman was 
punished. Again, the details are vague, but 
she did lose, so he must have been the first 


7 to win a case. Yes? 


Sgt. B. J. Van Valkenburg 
Yokota, Japan 
That was a court-martial situation in Ger- 
many, but you're half right. 


CREATIONISM 

In the October Playboy Forum, W. 
Bryon Saunders says that creationism 
should be taught as science in the public 
schools. I heartily disagree. For one thing, 
creationism is nol science; it most definite- 
ion, no matter what its propo- 
nents say to the contrary. 


The concept of equal 


me runs only one 


FORUM NEWSFRONT 


what’s happening in the sexual and social arenas 


NOT GUILTY 

SEATTLE—À state court of appeals has held 
that U.S. Steel Corporation is not guilty of 
negligence for failing to warn the wife of an 
employee that her husband was having an 
affair with another woman on the job. The 
woman who brought the suit stated that the 
affair had occurred in late 1975 or early 


1976, led to a divorce two years later and 
then to the marriage of her ex-husband and 
his lover nine months after that. The court 
held, “U.S. Steel owed no duty to its em 

ployees' spouses to monitor and safeguard 
their marriages and, therefore, could not be 
held liable in negligence under any set of 
facts.” 


LESS RAPE IN CHICAGO? 

cuicaco—Police were labeling таре 
claims “unfounded” at a rate six limes as 
high as im other cities, according lo a 
WBBM-TV news investigator, and were 
routinely dismissing the evidence of victims, 
witnesses and medical personnel. One exam- 
ple cited a witness who found a woman naked 
and screaming after an attack; medical rec- 
ords confirming the assault were produced. 


P.M.S. DOWNGRADED 

sew YORK crry— What might have become 
this country’s first battle over premenstrual 
syndrome (Р.М.5.) has been settled out of 
court by а woman who initially blamed the 
condition for causing her to beat her fou 
year-old daughter ("Forum  Newsfront," 
November 1982). Her attorneys said she had 
agreed to plad guilty to the noncriminal 
charge of harassment and to continue in a 
psychological counseling program in. which 
she was enrolled. 


BORN TO BE VAGUE 

NEW ORLEANS—A Federal district judge 
has voided as unconstitutional the Louisiana 
law requiring that public schools teach the 
Biblical account of creation alongside the 
theory of evolution. An A.C.L.U. spokes- 
woman hailed the decision as a “resounding 
viclory,” but state officials said an appeal will 
be filed on behalf of the statute, the only one 
of its kind since a Federal judge nullified a 
similar one in Arkansas. 

Meanwhile, a Federal district judge in 
Nashville ruled that last year's Tennessee law 
requiring a daily minute of silence in public 
schools was unconstitutional because the 
legislature's intent was to put prayer back into 
the classroom. The state law is similar to stat- 
utes before Federal courts in Alabama and 
New Mexico. 


ALMOST ANY ROUND OBJECT 

NEW york Crrv—The Connecticul Depart- 
ment of Transportation issued 17-and-a- 
half-cent turnpike tokens that work quite well 
in New York City’s 75-cent subway-syslem 
meters. Connecticut officials bristled at New 
York officials who commanded them to “get 
that token off the market” and retorted that 
New York's turnstiles are so rickety they'll 
accept almost any round object. A New York 
official then announced the city’s secret 
weapon—a “diabolical plan” to change 
token sizes and then sell the old tokens to Con- 
necticut motorists for ten cents, Finally, Con- 
necticut backed off and said it would study 
plans for redesigning its tokens. 

Elsewhere, Illinois state police are trying to 
catch listeners to Chicago’s WLS radio per- 
sonality Steve Dahl, who described putting 
candy nickels in automatic highway toll 
machines. A spokesman for the highway sys- 
tem said the prank mainly gums up the 
machines. 


BOOZEHOUNDS 

SEATTLE—State liquor-control agents are 
looking for two underage investigative jour- 
nalists who bought beer at six Yakima stores 
as part of a student newspaper exposé, but 
the local prosecutor promised that he would 
nol press charges. “My concern is the licen- 
see,” he said. “I indicated to the investigator 
that he should tell the kids that they would not 
be prosecuted.” At issue is a story published in. 
the Eisenhower High School Five Star Jour- 
nal that told how a bearded 17-year-old staff 
member and another student had scored al six 
of eight shops. 


ALL MEN, NO WOMEN 
A new method. of analyzing common lab- 
oratory tests has enabled a team of doctors to 


pinpoint with 100 percent accuracy whether 
or not liver disease has been caused by 
alcoholism, according to an article in the 
Journal of the American Medical Associa- 
tion. Called quadratic discriminant analysis, 
the method uses computers to analyze statistics 
gathered from 25 laboratory tests commonly 
ordered for patients. “Any one test won't de- 
scribe the totality of an illness, and each test 
rarely provides full information needed to 
establish an exact cause,” said a doctor con- 
nected with the Velerans Medical Center in 
Long Beach, California. The new method 
“focuses on the interrelationships of the chem- 
istries presented in each of the tests.” Only 
males were studied, due to females’ having 
more variables, such as menstruation or use 
of birth-control pills. 

Meanwhile, some researchers have found 
that, as other scientists had suspected, some 
lab rats are stimulated rather than depressed 
by small amounts of alcohol. "We.don't know 
why alcohol acts as a stimulant,” says an 
assistant project director in Austin, Texas. “It 
appears that alcohol blocks actions of a part 
of the brain that normally holds the brain in 
check.” 


DUPED 
NEW YORK сїтү—А! $80 a bottle, 29 cases 
of rare 1975 French Chaleau Mouion- 
Rothschild were a buy—until the Bureau of 
Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms stepped in 
dnd. proclaimed the wine to be Californian 


and worth about five dollars а bottle. The 
fake labels were copies of a specially commis- 
sioned Andy Warhol design, and the BATE 
still doesn't know how many French-wine col- 
lectors have been duped. Three men were 
arrested in the scheme. 


TOO CHRISTIAN 
penven—Inspired by fundamentalists, the 
American Atheists are going after school- 
books they consider too Christian. The group, 
following the example of Madalyn Murray 


O'Hair, is starting in Colorado and will 
spread to other parts of the country. The 
spokesman for the Denver atheists said that 
he would start filing complaints “just to neu- 
tralize them so that all the special-interest 
groups will stay out of the school system.” 


ORGAN TRANSPLANT? 
KUALA LUMPUR—A tortoise bit off the re- 
productive organ of a 27-year-old man with 
а stomach-ache who decided to dunk himself 
in а pool near the town of Batu Arang. Be- 
fore going for help, he made a futile search of 
the water and then went lo the Rawang Dis- 
trict hospital before being transferred to the 

general hospital in Kuala Lumpur. 


DRUG AWARENESS 

STEAMBOAT SPRINGS, COLORADO— Fueled by 
small packages of marijuana, more Steam- 
boat Springs citizens than. ever. before are 
ready 10 SUPPORT DRUG AWARENESS WEEK. 
That's what the note inside the packages, in- 
cluding one al the police station, said; and 
while Police Chief Roger Jensen reported 
thal some people had called the cops, others 
had probably just kept the illegal drug and 
smoked it, 


SPERMICIDES AND V.D. 

Using vaginal spermicides as the chief 
means of birth control dramatically protects 
women against sexually contracted disease, 
according to a study reported in the Journal 
of the American Medical Association. 
Sexually active women. using the spermi- 
cides had about one fourth to one eighth the 
risk of developing gonorrhea and other in- 
Sections compared with those who used other 
contraceptive aids such as pills or surgical 
sterilization. The incidence of gonorrhea 
more than tripled between 1960 and 1979. 


SHIMMY, SHIMMY, SHAKE, SHAKE 

PROVIDENCE, RHODE ISLAND—In a "prac- 
tical joke gone awry,” a middle school prin- 
cipal has been reprimanded for sending a 
“bellygram” to a fellow principal prior to a 
parents-night presentation. The dancer 
showed up just in lime for the presentation 
itself, and after doffmg her coat onstage, she 
began shimmying across the floor ‘wearing 
only a bra and harem pants. About 100 
parents were in the audience watching the 
shimmying. 


POT FLUSHED 

ENSCHEDE, THE NETHERLANDS—Govern- 
ment justice officials, bowing to an interna- 
tional outcry, have overruled the local city 
council and have closed down the mari- 
juana-and-hash shop at a local youth center. 
The shop had been selling government-tested 
drugs that attracted youths from all over 
Europe but mainly from West Germany, only 
five miles away. 


WHEN IT WORKS 

NAPERVILLE, ILLINOIS—A local savings- 
and-loan teller who was alone in a branch 
office was the victim of a would-be holdup 
by a middle-aged man with a pistol. When 
told to give him all the money, the teller 
ducked down and crawled away. When he 
found he was lefi alone, the robber also split. 
The teller's decision to flee “certainly is not 
recommended procedure, but it worked in 
this case,” according to an FBI agent. 


LO AND BEHOLD! 

SALT 1ry— Sheriffs deputies say 
they have discovered on the Great Salt Lake 
a homosexual beach known as Bare-Bum 
Beach, where scores of men sun-bathe in the 
nude, some have sex and others gather 
around to watch. The cops say they found it 


while chasing a nude motorcyclist who had 
been buzzing tourists at a nearby resort. “We 
followed him and, lo and behold, Sodom and. 
Gomorrah unfolded before my very eyes" 
said one depuly. The officers have so far 
handed out about 60 citations for lewdness 
and public nudity, with only a few going to 


women. 


WHAT STANDS ON ONE LEG? 

miami—A one-legged roofer will probably 
be tried for loitering and prowling, since 
police found his artificial leg—plus pants 
and shoes—near a hole cut in the roof of a 
pharmacists shop. The man himself was lo- 
cated in a trash bin less than а block away. 
Said one cop, a rookie: "All you could see was 
the leg sticking out. It had a boot on il, a pair 
of jeans on it. It looked like the real thing. 1 
said, 'Oh, God, don't tell me there's a dead 
body back there.’ Гт new at the job and 
haven't seen too much of that.” The man, 
who has a criminal record for drug possession 
and receiving stolen property, was taken to 
the police station for questioning and was 


then booked, 


59 


PLAYBOY 


way: The public schools may teach 
creationism, but there is absolutely no pro- 
n for the churches and/or the private 
schools to teach evolution, except to knock 
it. Of course, it goes without saying that 
creationists have the right to their beliefs. 
But no one is denying them that right. The 
churches and the private schools may 
teach whatever they wish. 

In my opinion, this so-called equal-time 
business is not a plea for fair play at all. 
Rather, it is really an attempt by the reli- 
gious right wing to weaken the traditional 
separation of church and state in this 
country. 


Barbara Harris 
San Francisco, California 


CRIME CONTROL 

Crime in America is at an epidemic 
stage. The rights of the 5 of cı 
and of law-abiding citizens in general are 
becoming an endangered species com- 
pared with the rights of the criminal. 

How can we explain the rights of a rap- 
ist to a mother whose daughter has just 
been brutally molested, or the rights of a 
policeman's killer to the slain officer’s 
widow and children? 

Those criminal perpetrators should be 
given a fair and just trial, as guaranteed by 
law. However, upon conviction, they 


degree mur- 
der, I believe the killer may have even 


FORUM FOLLIES 


I would like to an- 
nounce an invention of 
such staggering magnitude 
that I am the only possible 
winner of the next Noble 
Piece Prize. It is for the 
crotch, that very sensitive 
area of virility, and for the 
maintenance thereof. This 


of. The pecker just falls 
down, much to the chas 
of all concerned, leaving 
only the ignoble function 
of irrigation. 

It's a matter of consider- 
able awe to me that the 
poor pecker has as long a 


life as it has. It's abused 


invention will be of the 
greatest interest to your male readers, 
your female readers and that vast gray 
arca in between. Yes, I have found the 
way to keep on keeping on. 

My invention will completely replace 
men's underwear and athleticwear, 
which have been doing untold damage 
to lity for years. There are three 
styles of my new Pecker Protector: onc 
for everyday wear, one for light athlet- 
ics and one for contact sports, so that 
the effects of a thoughtless kick to the 
testicles can be harmlessly distributed 
over the back. The Pecker Protector 
also makes the wearer more likely or 
less likely to produce sperm, as he 
wishes. Joggers spend agonizing hours 
running to increase cardiovascular 
health so that they can live’ longer. 
They will live longer, and it will seem 
like a hell of a lot longer because of the 
jockstrap-induced deadly dangle. 

My device is simple. Lost virility is 
caused, in most cases, by impaired cir- 
culation. (Vessel transplants can be 
performed to correct the problem. That 
will make you walk funny for more 
than a week.) My invention keeps the 
circulation from being impeded and 
keeps the corpus cavernosum from being 
kinked like a bent hose in which fatty 
deposits slow the flow enough to slow 
the function. During athletics—when 
the blood flow is highest other than 
during erection—the regular jockstrap 
is wadding the poor pecker into such a 
lump that circulation is at its worst. It’s 
a wonder them poor peckers last as 
long as they do. If we did to an arm 
what we do to our peckers, it would fall 


from day one, when it's 
crammed into a diaper. From then on, 
it's crammed into tight underwear, it's 
crammed into jockstraps, it's crammed 
into tight pants and some people 1 
know will cram it into most anything. 
Here in the Deep South, that even in- 
cludes watermelons after a day in the 
hot sun. Maybe that's the reason 
they're lyin’ there smilin’ on the vine. 

At this time, we do not know whether 
or not unprotected and nonfunctional 
peckers will regain their stance, but we 
have reason to believe that they can re- 
gain their proper upright attitude with 
the help of the Protector, exercise and a 
nonfatty diet. I can see that this inven- 
tion is of such major importance that it 
will start a cult Men will want the 
ladies to know that theirs is not going to 
Не down and die. 

My patent attorney thought I was 
kidding when I told him about this in- 
vention. But he finally realized the true 
importance of it and the happiness it 
will bring to everyone. He became one 
of the first wearers. When he was ready 
to file the papers with the patent office, 
he asked me for a name for it. I natural- 
ly told him to call it the Pecker Protec- 
tor. He asked fora more suitable name. 
I presumed that he meant a more for- 
mal one, so I gave him Doc’s Device for 
Delaying the Demise of Deserving 
Dangling Dicks. He said that he would 
select the name. Now it’s called some- 
thing like Preventing Penile Deteriora- 
tion. Ain't that sporty? 

—T. CALVIN MILLER 

Miller happens to be—get this—a den- 
tist in Montgomery, Alabama. 


given up the precious right to exist. 

Many of our senior citizens are being 
victimized on our streets, as well as in their. 
homes. Those seniors helped make Amer- 
ica great. Many of them fought our wars 
and spilled their blood on the faraway 
beachheads of Guadalcanal, Tarawa, Iwo 
Jima, Okinawa and Normandy. It is an 
atrocity that many of those brave Amer- 
icans must now fear for their lives in the 
country that they fought so selflessly to 
defend. 

Inflation is being fueled daily by the crim- 
inal as we pay more at the grocery store 
and the department store because of ` 
shoplifters. Our auto-insurance rates sky- 
rocket due to car thefts. Our taxes are 
increased to fight crime, when, in fact, 
our crime fighters, the police, are them- 
selves handcuffed by microscopic legal 
technicalities. 

This letter is not a pleasant one, but 
then, neither is the reality of crime. We, as 
citizens, must demand of our legislators 
and judges the toughest penalties possible 
for all crimes. 


Dave Dragomer 
Grosse Pointe, Michigan 


RAPE VICTIM. 

In reading ptaysoy, I’ve noticed your 
interest in righting wrongs. Read the 
enclosed clipping and tell me how a judge 
can hear a man plead no contest in a rape 
case and then set him free. No prison 
term, no fine, no nothing. 

I was raped once and will spare you the 
details, but now, 13 years later, thinking of 
it is still painful for me. Being forced to do 
anything against your will is bad enough, 
but nothing can compare with being 
forced to have sexual intercourse. I cannot 
express my anger and feeling of helpless- 
ness at the “she asked for it" attitude so 
prevalent concerning rape—except by 
people who have suffered it. 

PLAYHOY may be an unlikely place to 
appeal for a stand against leniency for 
rapists. But most men are for women, and 
for even one rapist to go free is an insult to 
good men everywhere. Your circulation 
alone gives you power to educate so many 
who today tend to blame the victim for her 
being abused. 

Diane Smith 
Katy, Texas 


Тат a 21-year-old male who was not 
really aware of human-sexuality laws 
when I was a teenager, though I went to 
bed with several women older than myself. 
Some were in their 20s. Would such 
women have been accused of statutorily 
raping me even if I had consented to the 
sex? I looked up statutory rape in the dic- 
tionary and found that it refers to an 
underage woman having sex, with or with- 
out her consent. What about the man? If 
consent is given, how can there be rape? 
Do I have to go as far as to ask the 
woman's parents if it’s OK for me to screw 
their daughter? For her to screw me? 

What I don't understand is why all or 


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62 


most of the blame is placed on the male. It 
seems to me that statutory rape has no 
place in today's law. 
ohn L. Rowin 
cattle, Washington 
It seems to depend a lot on who you are and 
where you are when the alleged offense 
occurs. In a lot of places, age matters more 
than you think . . . or less than you think. 


THE SYSTEM 

Circumstantial evidence leads to the 
arrest and conviction of an innocent man 
far more often than law-enforcement offi- 
cials care to admit. They do not admit it 
because they desire the conviction more 
than they respect the innocent man’s 
rights. A few convictions look better in the 
eyes of the public than a long list of un- 
solved crimes. In many cases, the author- 
itics know that the man is not guilty, but 
they make him a sacrifice for the good of 
the majority. If a conviction is politically 
profitable and possible, it will be obtained. 

It is unbelievable how words can be 
coaxed out of witnesses who are honestly 
trying to cooperate with authorities. The 
average citizen is putty in the hands of an 
experienced prosecutor. There are also 
those witnesses who add to their testimony 
in an effort to convict a man they feel is 
guilty but who may go free due to lack of 
evidence. 

The easiest cases to try are the ones in 
which the defendant is some poor slob who 
is thoroughly confused by the “mess he is 
in” and is poorly represented. Most public 
defenders know only how to make plea 
bargains. In most instances, they are not 
competent criminal defense attorneys and 
take no serious interest in the case. They 
will be paid—win, lose or draw. 

We can safely say that the amount of 
justice a man receives in the American 
courtroom js directly related to his race 
and his financial condition. A poor white 
man has little chance against the system, 
and a poor nonwhite man has no chance 

Thomas J- Nichols 
Jackson, Mississippi 

We agree on every point. But we also have 
had the depressing experience of meeting 
young, eager and conscientious public de- 
fenders who were completely frustrated by 
their case loads. We've even met conscientious 
prosecutors who feel helpless in their efforts to 
lock up dangerous people who know how to 
exploit the weaknesses of the criminal-justice 
system. The system isn't working, but there 
seem to be no simple solutions, 


GOOD INTENTIONS 

Ifmost Americans correctly perceive the 
so-called New Right to be a small minority 
of vociferous fanatics and tend to under- 
estimate their influence, American poli- 
ici know that fanatics do trouble 
themselves to vote and therefore wield 
power far out of proportion to their actual 
numbers. That explains the stampede to 

s some of this century”: i 
nd mindless laws that the majority of 


citizens oppose. Our politicians, ever 
aware of their constituency, are spooked. 
Much of the new legislation—aimed at 
everything from dirty movies to Darwin- 
i cll be unconstitutional. The 
going through another period of 
trying to decide if the abuse of freedom 
justifies the elimination of freedom; many 
legislative and judicial decisions will be 
coming down on the side of those who con- 
sider freedom too dangerous to be let loose 
in the land. Then, after a period of repres- 
sion, the pendulum will begin to swing 
back. But for every period of moralistic 
crackdown on excess, it takes literally 


“It takes literally 
decades of litigation or 
legislative reform to 
undo the damage.” 


decades of litigation or legislative reform 
to undo the damage. 
(Name withheld by request) 
Vienna, Virginia 
DRAFT REGISTRATION 
I would be more than happy just to see 


somewhere in the Playboy Forum a discus- 
sion of draft registration and its deleterious 


effects, It seems strange that an issue so 
timely and pertinent to your reader 
receives so little discussion anywhere 


your magazine. Three men have bea 
sentenced to jail and two have bcen found 
guilty under a law that makes a travesty of 
civil liberties and “justice for all.” 
Robert Cohen 
Troy, New York 


CIRCUMCISION 

The most damning and unanswerable 
indictment against circumcision and those: 
who perform it on babies is the fact that 
almost all uncircumcised men throughout 
the world choose to keep their foreskins 
intact—and also the fact that so many 
circumcised men wish their foreskins were 
intact, Such an awareness would make per- 
sons of good will refuse to destroy this 
sensitive, harmless part of a baby's body. 

"The circumcisers of the world are aware 
of those two facts, but they continue to cir~ 
cumcise babies anyway, knowing that 
some of them will eventually wish that had 
not been donc to them and knowing that 
men who are given the choice overwhelm- 
ingly reject the operation. Can reason and 


persuasion change the minds of those who 
commit such an act? 
It's not circumcision that needs to be 


studied. It's 


umcisers, 
John Erickson 
Biloxi, Missi 


ppi 


CASTRATING RAPISTS 

Ten years ago, 1 was appalled when I 
heard someone suggest that rapists should 
be castrated. Two years ago, in British 
Columbia, a man raped and/or murdered 
12 young people; that and other horrors 
{including the murder of six members of a 
family in a provincial park for who knows 
what reason) have caused an outcry for the 
return of capital punishment. 

Although I oppose the death penalty, I 
don't think the behavior of such people i 
going to be permanently changed by pris- 
on—and I don't like the idea that they 
have to be released after a percentage of 
their terms are up. 

If castration will “cool down" violent 
sexual offenders, it seems a small price to 
pay considering the pain they have 
inflicted on society. 

David Marchant 
McBride, British Columbia 


REAGAN'S WAY 

Perhaps President Reagan, in his stand 
against abortion, is trying to ensure plenty 
of manpower in conjunction with his drive 
for increased weapon power. Or maybe he 
is simply so sadistic in his generosity as to. 
guarantee life to an unwanted embryo 
while ensuring that its future will bc 
dismal. 

What else can one think of a man who 
cuts and cuts and cuts aid to the poor, the 
goes onc step further and cuts their ability 
1o reduce their ranks? 


Poli Steeby 
Banner, Wyoming 


SEX FIEND 
If somebody spends all his time eating, 
he's considered a pig. What if he spends all 
his time trying to get laid? 
(Name withheld by request) 
Omaha, Nebraska 
Ah—maybe still a pig? 


MUSICIANS' EXEMPTION 
Musicians will be pleased to know that 
provincial treasuries (according to Ezra 
7:24) "have no authority to impose gen- 
eral levy, poll tax or land tax" on priests, 
musicians and temple servants—that 
according to People for the American Way 
as it interprets the Family-Issues Voting In- 
dex used by the National Christian Action 
joalition to determine candidates’ “sensi- 
tivity to Biblical values." 
The reason I think that is ni 
happen to be an aspiring musici 
B. Randleman 
Palo Alto, Calil 
Sounds pretty remote, but it might get you 
off the hook for the Federal income tax. 


“The Playboy Forum" offers the opportu- 
nity for an extended dialog between readers 
and editors on contemporary issues. Address 
all. correspondence to The Playboy Forum, 
Playboy Building, 919 North Michigan Ave- 
nue, Chicago, Hlinois 60611. 


is that I 


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PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: P AUL NEWMAN 


a candid conversation with the durable superstar about his movies, 
his politics, his blue eyes and — yes, even paul! — his self-doubts 


There are only a handful of them in the 
world: men whose expression of intent can 
bank-roll an entire film production; actors 
who routinely become multimillionaires every 
time they take part in a movie; stars whose 
presence can cause crowds to gather and 
strong women to babble. The fact that Paul 
Newman, at 58, is all of the above—and still 
manages to squeeze in careers as a race-car 
driver, as a political activist and now, only 
half jokingly, as a salad-dressing mogul— 
seems lo be more good fortune than one per- 
son should be allowed. 

Yet despite the respect of his peers and 
the public, through a film career that has 
spanned 29 years and 48 movies, Newman 
has never won an Oscar. He has been nomi- 
nated five times (for “Cat on a Hot Tin Roof,” 
“The Hustler,” “Hud,” “Cool Hand Luke” 
and “Absence of Malice”), but the statuette 
has eluded him. This year, with the release of 
“The Verdict,” in which he plays an ambu- 
lance-chasing attorney, Newman may finally 
receive from the Oscar jury its own favorable 
verdict—but not without compelition from 
such actors as Dustin Hoffman, in “Tootsie,” 
and Ben Kingsley, in “Gandhi”; nor without 
a massive publicity campaign mounted by 
Newman and his publicity people. 

Whatever the outcome of the Oscar stakes, 
he is one of those stars destined to endure in 


"Olivier dared more. Whereas 1. . . I seem to 
have run out of my skin early. I seem to have 
exhausted my ability to create something new 
after a rather short duration as a performer." 


the public's affeclion—since, as he put it to 
PLAYBOY, he is blessed with “Newman’s luck" 
and can't seem to shake it. He was born in 
Cleveland Heights, Ohio, on January 26, 
1925, the second son of a sporting-goods- 
store owner. He went to Ohio University 
briefly but lefi early to serve three years in the 
Navy during World War Two. When he re- 
turned, this time to Kenyon College, he joined 
the student dramatic society—but only after 
being kicked off the football team. 

After graduation in 1949, Newman 
moved north to do summer stock in Williams 
Bay, Wisconsin. The next year, he moved 
again, to a theater group in Illinois, where 
he met—and married—actress Jacqueline 
Witle. His father’s death forced Newman 
back home to manage the family business. 
A year and a half later, the business was 
liquidated and Newman, at the age of 26, 
entered the Yale University School of Drama. 

Soon he was headed for New York, landed 
a job (at $150 a week) as Ralph Meekers 
understudy in “Picnic” on Broadway and 
was accepted by Lee Strasberg's Actors Stu- 
dio. When Meeker went on vacation, Neu- 
man took his place. Не was a hit —and never 
stopped being one. 

Hollywood soon beckoned with a long-term 
$1000-a-week movie contract. His film debut. 
was hardly earth-shattering: Neuman played 


“There are two Newman's laws. The first one 
is, ‘It is useless to put on your brakes when 
you're upside doum.’ The second one is, ‘Just 
when things look darkest, they go black.’ ” 


a Greek slave in “The Silver Chalice"—a 
film so wretched, in his judgment, that when 
it appeared on television many years later, he 
took cut an ad in the Los Angeles Times 
apologizing to the viewers. (“That's the last 
time ГЇЇ ever do that,” he now says, laughing. 
“The ad boosted the movie's ratings!") 
Newman's first marriage produced three 
children: Susan, Stephanie and Scott, his 
only son, who died in 1978, al the age of 28, 
from an accidental drug-and-liquor over- 
dose. After his divorce from Jacqueline, New- 
man married Joanne Woodward. They have 
three daughters: Elinor, Melissa and Clea 
Newman is a man of some complexity: He's 
a liberal who likes to race cars and drink 
beer; on the track, he's known simply as Р. L. 
Newman. He may argue the point, but he 
obviously likes taking risks. In 1969, to pre- 
pare for a role in “Winning,” a film about 
the Grand Prix circuit, he immersed himself 
in auto racing. When the film ended, he con- 
tinued unth the sport. Soon he had won all 
four of the Sports Car Club of America races, 
in which he competed with the Datsun-factory 
team. At the tricky Watkins Glen course in 
Upstate New York, he set a track record. And 
in 1979, he took on one of racing’s toughest 
challenges, the 24 Hours at Le Mans—an 
endurance test that has claimed more than 18 
lives over the years. Of 55 starters, only 22 


‚ H 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY LARRY L LOGAN 


“I stopped signing autographs when I was 
standing al a urinal at Sardi's and а guy 
came up with a pen and paper. | wondered, 
Do I wash first and then shake hands?" 


PLAYBOY 


finished the event. Newman and his team- 
males, driving a red Porsche 935 Twin Tur- 
bo at speeds of up to 220 miles an hour, 
finished second. 

Having added the roles of producer and 
director to his résumé, Newman will soon en- 
ler yet another fiercely competitive business 
with his Industrial-Strength Venetian Spa- 
ghetti Sauce—like the salad dressing, a hobby 
he has turned into an avocation for charity, 

He's also an outspoken political activist. In 
the Sixties, he involved himself with civil 
rights, as well as with Eugene McCarthy's 
Presidential campaign. In 1972, he worked 
for George McGovern. In 1978, he was 
appointed a member of the U.S. delegation to 
the special United Nations disarmament ses- 
sion. In 1980, he worked for John Anderson. 
And in 1982—for а change—he cam- 
paigned for a winner, the nuclear-freeze 
initiative. 

But Newman doesn't live a life filled with 
ihe material prerequisites so many lesser stars 
seem to feel are necessary for success in Holly- 
wood. He spends most of his time m a 
converted 1736 farmhouse near Westport, 
Connecticut. The rest of his life is spent, 
frenetically, among an apartment in Man- 
hattan, a small and modest home in the flats 
of Beverly Hills, his film-location work and, 
last but not least, hotels and motels around 
the country that he uses each year between 
April and October, during the racing season. 

PLAvBOY seni journalist and producer 
Peter S. Greenberg lo sit doum with Newman 
Jor the first in-depth talk with him since his 
last lengthy interview—in PLAYBOY 14 years 
ago. Greenberg's report: 

“He's taller and skinnier than I imagined, 
and his blue eyes are, well, bluer. He's also 
the best-looking 58-year-old I've ever met. 
Prior to our first meeting, I had been told that 
he had only limited time to give me, and then 
he'd be off to Florida for a much-needed pri- 
vate vacation uith his wife. He wouldn't be 
able to be interviewed again for weeks. 

“The first session was held at his midtoun- 
Manhattan office overlooking Fifth Avenue. 
We were frequently interrupted by phone calls 
from lawyers and his wife and a visit from 
А. E. Hotchner, his boating partner (logether 
they oum a ‘yacht'—a 17-foot Boston whaler 
called Caca de Toro) and his coconspir- 
ator in his salad-dressing venture. 

“I was beginning to think that the inter- 
view was a bust, when Newman asked me 
whether or not I liked to fish. Three hours lat- 
er, I was packing for Florida. The ‘vacation’ 
turned out to be at a Pompano Beach spa that 
Joanne wanted to attend. Newman was going 
along for the ride, bul Jazzercise was not part 
of his game plan; sport fishing was. He char- 
tered a boat, 

“Each morning at six, while Joanne went 
to class, we headed out for the Florida Keys. 
As the 57-foot custom sport fisher maneu- 
vered its way around the meandering canals 
in back of Pompano Beach's most expensive 
homes, 1 counted three housewives, each 
standing, in a bathrobe, behind the sliding 
glass doors to her house, hoping to catch a 
glimpse of Newman. Ч couldn't help myself," 


said Captain Bob Mendelsohn, smiling, ashe 
pushed down gently on the throttles. T had to 
tell a few friends.’ Newman never noticed. 

“Thank God, his luck wasn't all-powerful: 
Instead of the big game fish he'd hoped for, 
we settled for a respectable catch of yellowtail 
and bonito. But our time al sea was well spent 
as he reflected on his career and pondered his 
future. 

“A week later, we picked up the interview 
in Los Angeles. Then it was off to Las Vegas 
for the Caesars Palace Grand Prix. In a 
‘small shack shaking in the gusty, dusty wind 
atop the roof of the casino, Newman watched 
the race, his eyes glued to car number five, his 
hand virtually glued to a cold bottle of Bud- 
weiser, shouting friendly obscenities at the 
drivers from his perch. 

“He's more relaxed than I’ve ever seen 
ham,’ his 29-year-old daughter Susan told me 
later at their home in California. 'He's be- 
come more open about things.’ He had flown 


“I have that kind of 
personality. I just say, why 
not? Why not get into salad 

dressing? Why not race?” 


to Los Angeles to speak to a group of televi- 
sion superstars that had assembled at his 
house under the auspices of the Scott New- 
man Foundation. 

“Later that night, when Susan spoke to the 
group and mentioned that the evening would 
have been Scott's 32nd birthday, Neuman got 
up and moved to a remote seat near the pool. 
He sat there, with his head in his hands, until 
she finished speaking. 

“Newman is not an openly emotional indi- 
vidual. He's not a handshaker or a back- 
patler or a hugger. He's not outwardly 
demonstrative toward either Joanne or his 
children. His personal politics are out in the 
open, but his personal emotions are reserved, 
it seems, for only himself. He is still very un- 
comfortable talking about Scott's death. Lat- 
er, when I reminded him of his reaction to 
Susan’s talk, his voice grew quiet, he took 
pauses between sentences and tears came to 
his eyes. It was his most emotional moment 
during all the time we spent together. 

“He has, by normal standards, an unusual 
relationship with his wife. As far as I can tell, 
he and Joanne don’t spend much time 
together, but the structure seems to hold. T've 
been married to Joanne for 24 years,’ he told 
me one day. “That should tell you something. 
We respect each other and we're not insecure 
about each other's interests.’ He has taken to 
calling her Birdie lately. Why? ‘I don't know,’ 
he says, smiling fondly, ‘I just like the way it 
sounds when I think about her.” 

“Nothing was off the record during our in- 
terviews, but Newman did have one request. 


‘The one thing we really can't talk about this 
time ts fucking, he said early on. "You see, m 
the first “Playboy Interview,” we sat around 
and talked about the many versions of fuck- 
ing. After I had gone through a few of 
them—things like sport fuckmg—I got to 
mercy fucking, which I said was reserved 
for librarians. After the interview ran, I got 
hundreds of letters from librarians, with their 
pictures, inscribed “Try те!" * 

“He remains a movie superstar still un- 
comfortable about his natural assets. If he's 
obsessed by anything, he told me, it’s the main 
character in ‘Tonio Kroger,’ a short story by 
Thomas Mann. ‘He separated people into two 
groups,’ Newman says, ‘the bohemians and 
the bourgeoisie. Well," he sighed, ‘I think I’m 
larger than life to the women of the 
bourgeoisie who think they're interested in 
me; but the bohemian women don't even 
care.’ Still, most Americans—women and 
men—probably think of him as he was once 
described by longtime friend and director 
John Huston: ‘Newman,’ he wrote in his 
autobiography, ‘will always be the Golden 


PLAYBOY: It’s been a while since we've 
heard so much respectful talk about a Paul 
Newman movie—meaning, of course, 
your recent film The Verdict 

NEWMAN: Yeah, I was very happy with 
The Verdict, because for the first time in a 
long time, I wasn't Paul Newman playing 
Paul Newman. I’m not usually happy with 
my work. 

PLAYBOY: Did you consider the role a risk? 
NEWMAN: If you played the character as it 
was written, there was no way to protect 
yourself as an actor. You had to do it warts 
and all: vulncrable, unattractive, drunk, 
fierce, frightened—all those things. He 
certainly is no strong, virile antihero, like 
so many of my other roles. Here’s a guy 
who finds himself face down in a urinal 
and has to do something about it. 
PLAYBOY: Wasn't there at least one other 
movie in which you didn’t play a very 
attractive character? We're thinking of 
Slap Sho!, in which you played a hockey 
player almost over the hill. 

NEWMAN: I loved that movie. It rates very 
high as something in which I took great 
personal satisfaction. It may be about the 
only one I rate that high. It was deeply 
original, and while we were shooting it, it 
got to the point on the ice where you 
couldn't tell the skaters from the actors. 
PLAYBOY: Yet Slap Shot received a lot of 
criticism as a ly violent movie. 
NEWMAN: It was cartoon violence. 
PLAYBOY: Even though people got the hell 
beaten out of them in fairly bloody ways? 
NEWMAN: I never saw it as a violent film. I 
don't even know that you ever saw any- 
body get hit. Well, yes, you did see it a 
couple of times. 

PLAYBOY: [t was your favorite, but the 
movie didn't do so well. 

NEWMAN: Well, in the motion-picture in- 
dustry today, what does it mean to do 


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well? It really has no meaning. This is the 
worst year for actors and technicians in the 
history of motion pictures. There arc only 
a few films being shot in Hollywood; 
there's a 60 percent unemployment rate 
among the technicians, and that's with 
television. Yet the. box office has never 
been more successful. So what does it all 
mean? The old-time studio producers 
might not have been literary giants, but at 
least they weren't computer-management 
analysts. Today, it’s all demographics. 
The invention and the fun have been taken 
out of it. 

PLAYBOY: Have you ever felt that you had 
control of one of your movies all the way 
from script through distribution through 
release? 

NEWMAN: Rachel, Rachel is the only one 1 
can remember. I really hung on to that. 
PLAYBOY: You took on two challenges in 
that movie. One was the directing itself; 
the second was directing your wife, Joanne 
Woodward. Why did you want to direct? 
NEWMAN: Why not? You have to under- 
stand that I have that kind of personality. 
Tjust say, why not? Why not get into salad 
dressing? Why not race? Directing allowed 
me to be in control of the entire canvas, 
rather than just one small part. Also, I was 
curious to find out if 1 could direct. 
PLAYBOY: Your wife said you were the best 
director she ever worked with. 

NEWMAN: Well, what's she gonna say? But 
[smiles] she's right. She did make it easy 
for me, though. 

PLAYBOY: Rachel didn't do very well at the 
box office. 

NEWMAN: Yeah, I guess I had a vision that 
other people didn't share. It was turned 
down by every major studio and every 
major independent producer in the state of 
California. 

PLAYBOY: How did you get it made? 
NEWMAN: By promising to do two films for 
Warner Bros. at half my salary; Joanne 
promised them one. 

PLAYBOY: Such is the basis of creativity. 
NEWMAN: Such is the payment, or the 
penalty. Well, what the hell. I tried to talk 
Redford out of directing his movie. 
PLAYBOY: Ordinary People? 

NEWMAN: Yep. I thought the first part of 
the script was a disaster. But he had a vi- 
sion of it that Г didn't share. And 1 thought 
that what Redford finally accomplished, 
structurally and dramatically, was a 
triumph. But I don't know what contribu- 
tions he made to the actors; that's always 
hard to tell. 

PLAYBOY: What about your directorial con- 
tributions to Rachel? 

NEWMAN: Well, it was pretty hard to win. 
the New York Film Critics’ Circle Award 
as best director for that film and then not 
even get nominated for the Oscar. But I’m 
not gonna whine about it. 

PLAYBOY: Going back to that extraordinary 
statement you made about feeling that 
Slap Shot was perhaps the most satisfy- 
ing of all your movies—were you really 
serious? 


NEWMAN: Yeah. 

PLAYBOY: Compared with your classics, 
Hud and The Hustler? 

NEWMAN: When I look at those films to- 
day, I realize how hard I was working. 
PLAYBOY: How about Butch Cassidy and the 
Sundance Kid and Cool Hand Luke and 


The Sting? 
NEWMAN: Those films were there when I 
got them. 
PLAYBOY: Meaning that you walked 


through them? 

NEWMAN: No, just that a movie like Butch 
Cassidy would have worked no matter how 
many mistakes we made. But with Slap 
Shot or The Verdict, 1 don’t think you could 


have made any mistakes and had it work. 
Look, satisfaction is hard to define. It's 
what you start with and what you finish 
with. And the pride you take in that role, 
as well as audience response. 

PLAYBOY: Still, it will be a disappointment 
to the people who identify you with your 
role in The Hustler to know how little you 
think of your performance. 

NEWMAN: That reminds me of something 
that happened one evening some years ago 
when I was playing pool at a local pub. I 
had played five or six racks and was over 
by the bar, talking to some people. So this 
young kid, about 19 and half-bagged, came 
over and said, “Mr. Newman, I want you 


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PLAYBOY 


to know I saw The Hustler four or five 
times. Great picture! I also want you to 
know I watched you play pool tonight. It’s 
been one of the greatest disappointments 
in my life!” 

PLAYBOY: Since you've admitted it your- 
self, you won't mind being reminded that 
in his Playboy Interview, George C. Scott 
said he wasn’t impressed with your acting 
in The Hustler. 

NEWMAN: I don’t think I’d have been very 
impressed, either. I was just working too 
hard, showing too much. 

PLAYBOY: But you are impressed by his 
work, arer?t you? 

NEWMAN: Scott? He's electric. Unpredict- 
able, with a marvelous sense of threat and 
danger, which was so great for his part in 
The Hustler. He was on Broadway recently, 
playing a light Noel Coward role, and it 
just split my skull, because he was so fuck- 
ing outrageous and delicious. He was the 
wrong man in the wrong part doing it 
absolutely right. 

PLAYBOY: Is there any other actor whose 
work you admire? 

NEWMAN: Well, I’ve been envious of a 
number of actors. But if I envy anything, 
it’s more the way a person lives than the 
way he performs. 

PLAYBOY: Such as? 

NEWMAN: Olivier. 

PLAYBOY: Why? 

NEWMAN: Because he always seemed to be 
able to balance his existence between stage 
and screen; because there seemed to be in 
him enough facets—either of his own per- 
sonality or of his fantasy life—to be able to 
draw from. He didn't exhaust those facets. 
He didn’t repeat himself. He dared more. 
Whereas 1 . . . I seem to have run out of 
my own skin fairly early. . . . 

PLAYBOY: What do you mean? 

NEWMAN: I seem to have exhausted my 
ability to create something new after a 
rather short duration as a performer. 
PLAYBOY: Do you really think that about 
yourself? 

NEWMAN: Yeah. I catch myself in movies 
doing mannerisms that once were success- 
ful. Ifyou find that you're just falling back 
on successful kinds of responses, then it’s 
unsatisfying. Unconsciously, you feel an 
attitude of dismissal or boredom that 
encroaches on your own approach. Come 
to think of it, I can't think of anybody who 
would be more bored than an actor who 
did nothing but interviews and did them 
constantly—to sit down and repeat your 
response to autograph seekers, critics, 
newspapers. The only alternative is to 
lie, to invent a whole new set of circum- 
stances, a whole new set of beliefs, a whole 
new set of aspirations. That could be fun, 
because then you would no longer be func- 
tioning as a person, you'd simply be func- 
tioning as a writer. 

PLAYBOY: Since you're in a mood to be 
honest about your work, what else has dis- 
satisfied you? 

NEWMAN: I exclude The Silver Chalice, 
which was terrible, but I simply had no 


experience. I also exclude some scripts I 
had to do under contract. 

PLAYBOY: Was The Silver Chalice that bad? 
NEWMAN: Yes, it was that bad. It's ex- 
traordinary that I survived the movie. Pm 
convinced I didn’t know very much about 
acting at all until a half-dozen years ago. 
In the final analysis, I'm a very, very slow 
study. I was a terrible actor when I went to 
New York. I was scared. I would overpre- 
pare, sometimes overthink a role. 
PLAYBOY: What about some of those 
movies around the middle of your career, 
such as Torn Curtain, with Alfred Hitch- 
cock? 

NEWMAN: I think Hitchcock chose his 
actors very carefully, regardless of his 
legendary feeling that he didn’t respect 
them very much and felt that they were 
just puppets. The camera shots were 
predetermined and you simply got up 
there and did your best. The problem I 
had with Torn Curtain was that I never felt 
comfortable with the script. 

PLAYBOY: Then why did you do it? 
NEWMAN: Well, Hitchcock is the reason. 
The man was a legend. He called me up 
and said, “Are you interested?” And 1 
said, “Oh, gosh, send me a script right 
away.” And he said, "We don't have a. 
script.” Warning bells went off. So I spoke 
to Hitchcock and we agreed that the idea 
could work if it were well executed. After 
all, any bad idea can work terrifically if it’s 
well executed. 

PLAYBOY: Such as? 

NEWMAN: The Towering Inferno. The rela- 
tionships didn’t have what | would call 
thick, universal and penetrating appeal. 
PLAYBOY: Yet you did that movie right after 
you did The Sling. You couldn’t find two 
more different movies if you tried. That is 
what we're driving at—the contrast be- 
tween your best work and your schlock. 
NEWMAN: You're not gonna get a sensible 
answer from a fella who put a 35l-cubic- 
inch Ford engine in a Volkswagen. I can't 
answer that. 1 did know that something as 
serious as Rachel had a chance on the open 
market because it dealt with a universal 
fear. And, in a way, I felt that Towering 
Inferno might be more than just a disaster 
movie. It dealt with two very real fears of 
people living anywhere near high-rise 
buildings: height and fire. Г thought it 
might peripherally have some effect on the 
fire laws. I think for a while it did. 

But as to how I chose my roles, good or 
bad, it was clear to me at the beginning. 
that there were only certain kinds of roles 
in which people were prepared to accept 
me. Strong, virile, antihero roles. Luke, 
the hustler, Hud. But you know what? 
Hud backfired. 

PLAYBOY: In what way? 

NEWMAN: Well, we thought the last thing 
people would do was accept Hud as a 
heroic character. After all, Hud is amoral, 
greedy, self-centered, selfish, in it for what 
he can get at the expense of the com- 
munity. We thought we could give him the 
external graces: a hot-shot with the 


women, a good drinker, brave in his pro- 
fession, a good barroom brawler. But 
morally, he’s an empty suit. We thought 
that the audience would be unnerved by 
that and might be laught by that. But kids 
thought he was terrific! His amorality just 
went right over their heads; all they saw 
was this Western, heroic individual. 

The audience is always looking for a 
definable image. The clown, the girl next 
door, the sultry seductress, the patrician, 
the tough kid from the streets, the country- 
club kid, the momma figure, the poppa 
figure—all of those are definable charac- 
ters. And it’s casy for cach to telegraph a 
certain kind of radiance to the people in 
the audience so they don’t get bewildered. 
PLAYBOY: In which category do you put 
yourself? 

NEWMAN: Oh . . . Yale Law School. 
PLAYBOY: Really? Rather than as that sexy 
guy whom women go crazy over? 
NEWMAN: It's funny about that, because 
when I was in college, I just didn't seem to 
have any gift for women. As a matter of 
fact, later, when I understudied Ralph 
Meeker in Picnic, 1 still seemed to have 
some problem with the ladies. Ralph is a 
big, beefy, muscular, sexual, physical kind 
ofa guy. When he left to go on vacation, I 
played his part for a weck, 1 think. And 
afterward, I asked Josh Logan, the direc- 
tor, “Could 1 please play his part on the 
road?" And Josh said, “Well, it was a very 
interesting performance, but you don't 
carry any sexual threat at all.” So I wor- 
ried that bone around for a long time. In 
fact, 1 transferred to Kenyon College from 
Ohio University because 1 finally wanted 
to get out of a coed school. 1 had become 
much more interested in the ladies than I 
was in my studies. I really wanted to get a 
degree. At Ohio, in those days, the sexual 
revolution hadn't really gotten started. 
"There was much less opportunity to Bs 
into trouble. A date back then was sil 
around with a bunch of students, drinking 
beer or going to a film or a hayride, or 
singing songs by the river. 

PLAYBOY: It was all that innocent? 
NEWMAN: I don't know that it was so inno- 
cent. I mean, everybody was thinking 
about it; it's just that there were more 
restraints. I’m not so certain that those 
were not, in fact, better, more mysterious 
days. It was like having maybe three des- 
serts a year and relishing them because 
you simply didn’t get them 365 days а 
year, sometimes for breakfast, lunch and 
dinner. Nice girls didn't fool around, and 
nice guys didn't try to fool around with. 
nice girls. Them was the bylaws. 
PLAYBOY: When did you break avay from 
them? 

NEWMAN: I don't know that I ever did. 
PLAYBOY: Even today? 

NEWMAN: Even if I did, the extent to 
which I did or didn't is not for public con- 
sumption. 

PLAYBOY: In any case, it’s certainly a con- 
trast with your admitted image—the 


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PLAYBOY 


74 


strong, virile antihero. 

NEWMAN: Yeah, but not the animal. Not 
the true grizzly. I never projected that. 
1 think that as actors, Marlon Brando and 
Tony Quinn came across that way. It’s a 
tough image to sustain—that you’re an 
animal who has the ability to park in front 
of a whorehouse without ever getting a 
parking ticket. 

PLAYBOY: That's a nice way of phrasing it. 
NEWMAN: Well, we try to be as delicate 
as we can in print. But Marlon also dared 
as an actor. It wasn’t just image. And his 
rebellion came out of a true eccentricity, I 
think, and not as a rebellion for the sake of 
rebellion nor for the sake of image. I am 
sorry that he wasn’t as disciplined as he 
was eccentric in his personal life. 
PLAYBOY: At one point, there were a lot of 
comparisons made of you and Brando. 
NEWMAN: There’s a funny story: When I 
did Somebody Up There Likes Me, 1 practi- 
cally lived with Rocky Graziano in New 
York for two weeks to prepare. Later, the 
comments and reviews were that 1 was 
imitating Marlon. Many years later, I saw 
Rocky again. He told me, in the way only 
he could, “I was sparrin’ around, really 
workin’ hard, and there was this funny, 
strange kid standin’ here. He'd sit dere 
and watch, you know? Finally, I sez, ‘What 
are you doin’ here, kid?’ He sez, ‘Well, Га 
like you to come and sec a show of mine.’ I 
sez, ‘What, you mean a stage show? I 
don’t wanna see no fuckin’ stage show! 
Why'd I wanna see a fuckin’ stage show 
for?” This is Rocky talking, you know; I 
think that’s where my terrible vocabulary 
came from. So Rocky said, “ ‘Well, kid, do 
you sing or sumpin’? He sez, ‘No.’ I 
figured the kid was a spear carrier or sump- 
. Anyway, the kid gives me two tickets, 


i 
and when I tell my wife, she sez, ‘Oh, 
that’s a pretty good play? So we go and see 
the play, and it's a thing about a streetcar, 
written by this famous author, whatever it 
was. And I see this kid onstage. So I sez, 


“That kid is playin’ 
Well, so much for the Brando compari- 
son. Turns out, we both had the same 
model. Marlon did his earlier for A Street- 
car Named Desire, which had alrcady been 
on the screen by the time 1 played Rocky. 
But I didn't know that Brando was play- 
ing Rocky. So, in a way, the reviews were 
accurate. 
PLAYBOY: Then what about the Yale Law 
School image? 
NEWMAN: Well, 1 would still have trouble 
playing a duplicitous character. 1 don't 
think audiences would accept me as that. 
PLAYBOY: So aside from the few unsym- 
pathetic roles you've taken—such as the 
latest one, in The Verdict —how brave have 
you been about choosing roles that break 
your good-guy mold? 
NEWMAN: I don’t know. To some extent, 
you're restricted by what is submitted to 
you. And if people don’t sce you as a griz- 
zly type, you're not likely to get grizzly 
parts. 
PLAYBOY: Meaning that your good looks 


get you certain kinds of roles. Which opens 
up a wonderful opportunity to dispose of 
some rumors about your appearance. OK, 
straight out: Have you had any plastic 
surgery? 

NEWMAN: No plastic surgery. 

PLAYBOY: No special injections of blue dye 
in the eyes? 

NEWMAN: No. And I’m also taller than 
most people think. 

PLAYBOY: How about the story that you 
have special eyedrops flown in from 
Sweden to make your eyes bluer? 
NEWMAN: Come on. Visine? Murine? 
PLAYBOY: Have you had your eyes done? 
NEWMAN: Done? With these bags, are you 
kidding? 

PLAYBOY: But there are stories about your 
dousing yoursclf in ice water every day. 
NEWMAN: If I’ve had a bad night's sleep, I 
take a couple of trays of icc cubes, stick 
them in the washbasin, turn on the water, 
get the water freezing cold and stick my 
head in there. Yeah, it’s true. 

PLAYBOY: What other idiosyncrasies? 
NEWMAN: Well, no one can understand 
why I take little magnets with me when I 
travel. 

PLAYBOY: OK, why? 

NEWMAN: To keep the shower curtain 
closed. Yes, you take these magnets and 
simply attach them to the bathtub at 
intervals and it keeps the shower curtain 
from blowing around. 

PLAYBOY: Scratch another promising 
rumor. So: We've mentioned the eyedrops 
from Sweden; they’re out. We’ve men- 
tioned plastic surgery; that’s out. What 
else have we eliminated? 

NEWMAN: I think we've probably climi- 
nated my career. Wait a minute! We've 
missed something here. 

PLAYBOY: We have? 

NEWMAN: We didn't discuss sodomy or 
massage parlors. If 1 talked about that, I 
could run for public office. 

PLAYBOY: Why haven't you ever run for 
public office? 

NEWMAN: Well, I’ve been approached. But 
I won't run. Because I can barely, barely, 
just barely handle the aspects of my life 
that are public right now, and I don't 
think I could handle the dinners, the ban- 
quets, the campaigning, the public kind of 
campaigning. 

PLAYBOY: There's also the argument that, 
as an actor, you should stick to acting and 
forget politics. 

NEWMAN: Well, ГП be damned if I'll give 
up my citizenship because I’m an actor. I 
think it’s interesting that Jerry Falwell, 
representing the Moral Majority, is active- 
ly opposing the bilateral freeze. Now, there 
are a lot of liberals out there upholding 
separation of church and state, saying that 
he should shut up. But they wouldn’t have 
said the same about Martin Luther King, 
Jr., who derived considerable strength and 
financing from his church. That’s OK. But 
Falwell isn’t allowed the same luxury. 
PLAYBOY: Do you support Falwell? 
NEWMAN: I support his citizenship. And I 


don't think you can deprive him of his 
citizenship because he's involved with a. 
church. I think he's making a tragic mis- 
take, but I will certainly support his right 
to make that tragic mistake. That's what's 
known as having your cake and eating it, 
too. [Laughs] 

PLAYBOY: Before we get heavily into poli- 
tics, we've just remembered one more 
rumor that doesn’t fit the image—that 
you've been through some sessions of est, 
the self-help program. 

NEWMAN: Joanne did it. I didn't. 

PLAYBOY: Why not? 

NEWMAN: The onc time I was set up to do 
it, I got the flu, I think. It works on alter- 
nate mornings. 

PLAYBOY: What, est? 

NEWMAN: No, the concept of est. Some 
mornings, I wake up and I’m very pleased 
with myself. On those mornings, I could 
do Moliére or Aristophanes. Another 
morning, I wake up and Pm not very 
pleased with myself. I feel as if I couldn't 
do Moliére or Arthur Miller or even Walt 
Disney. On those down occasions, I think 
I would be a candidate for est. I think the 
only thing that you learn from est, really, is 
that you are responsible for what you do. 
Гуе already accepted that responsibility. 
PLAYBOY: When did you accept it? 
NEWMAN: Oh, about five minutes ago. 
Actually, Гуе always accepted it. If Гус 
had problems, I’ve never unloaded on my 
parents or outside circumstances or genet- 
ics or anything. I just say, simply, I’m 
responsible for what I do. Im also respon- 
sible, unfortunately, for a lot of people. 
PLAYBOY: Such as whom? 

NEWMAN: I think at one time I had 36 
people I was basically carrying: secretar- 
ies, relatives and children, wives—not 
wives, well, ex-wife. And, by virtue of that, 
whoever happened to be in the family. 
PLAYBOY: That’s a lot of baggage. 
NEWMAN: But it hasn’t been difficult for 
me, because I’ve been able to financially 
afford it. If it suddenly became a terrible 
burden, I don't know how I'd treat it. But 
that seems to have been a pattern in my 
life. Гуе never cared about money, so 
I don’t seem to have had any problems 
making и. 

PLAYBOY: Is it as simple as that? 

NEWMAN: Yeah, if you don’t worry about 
it. 

PLAYBOY; It hasn't corrupted you? 
NEWMAN: I’m not saying that it hasn't cor- 
rupted me. Pm just saying that at Yale, I 
ran out of money and had a wife and a 
child. So that Christmas, I went out and in 
ten days sold $1200 worth of Encyclopaedia 
Britannica. And at that time, in 1951, that 
was a lot of money for a school kid. As a 
kid, I sold Fuller brushes and had a news- 
paper run. 

PLAYBOY: Have you ever been broke— 
other than that one time? 

NEWMAN: Гус been very close. When I 
opened on Broadway, I had about $250 in 
the bank, with a pregnant wife and a child. 
PLAYBOY: How did you make ends meet? 


NEWMAN: Well, the play was a big hit. It 
ran about 14 months. If it had been a flop, 
I'm not sure that you'd be seeing this par- 
ticular face on the [mockingb] silver 
screen. I don't know what would have hap- 
pened. For one thing, 1 think you have to 
make up your mind very early whether or 
not you want to create an empire. I'm not 
very eager to do that. All I want to do is 
make sure that if I live to be 72 or 76, I 
won't suddenly be working in a drugstore 
to support myself. 

PLAYBOY: Apparently not, with your kind 
of luck. 

NEWMAN: I've always been lucky; incred- 
ibly lucky. The old “Newman luck." 
Somehow, it’s allowed me to get close to a 
lot of edges without falling off. I think I 
survived World War Two because of 
Newman's luck. It’s an extraordinary 
phenomenon. During the war, I was а 
back-seat man on a Navy torpedo plane. 
The pilot I flew with had an ear problem 
one day and we were grounded. The rest of 
our squad transferred to an aircraft car- 
Tier. They were 75 miles off the coast of 
Japan that day when the ship took a direct 
kamikaze hit and they all died. 

PLAYBOY: What are some other examples of 
Newman's luck? 

NEWMAN: When I was at Kenyon College, 
to make extra money, I ran a student laun- 
dry. In order to attract business, I'd buy a 
keg of bcer every Saturday morning. Guys 
from school would bring in their laundry 
and then sit around all day drinking beer. 
It was a great idea, and I was taking in 
$200 or $300 worth of laundry. Then, 
when I graduated, [ sold it to a friend 
of mine—and that’s when the authorities 
decided to finally shut it down. That's 
Newman's luck. 

PLAYBOY: Just a second. It may not be 
earth-shaking news, but why did the au- 
thorities close down Newman’s laundry? 
NEWMAN: It may not be publishable. 
PLAYBOY: Try us. 

NEWMAN: No, Г can't handle it. 

PLAYBOY: If we did our research correctly, 
it had something to do with a horse. 
NEWMAN: Oh, God, yes. 

PLAYBOY: Well? 

NEWMAN: Well, 1 had sold the laundry. 
Now, this was thc kind of town where 
horses still trotted down the main street, 
One day, a stallion had the misfortune of 
standing in front of the laundry. It wasn’t 
long after the Saturday beer had been 
delivered; one of the college customers had 
put on a pair of boxing gloves and was 
Seen performing an unnatural act on the 
stallion. 

PLAYBOY: Jerking it off, in other words? 
NEWMAN: Suffice it to say they shut the 
laundry down the next day. 

[There's a break in the interview, and it re- 
sumes with Newman behind the wheel of a 
rented Camaro in Florida, taking his daugh- 
ter lo the Fort Lauderdale airport.) 
NEWMAN: You figured we'd get around to 
talking about racing, about driving, right? 
You know, most American cars can't corner 


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75 


PLAYBOY 


for shit. [Takes a turn] Hey, this one's not 
too bad. l'm surprised. But, you know, 
with driving, as with a lot of other stuff in 
my life, I was a very, very slow learner. I 
don't make any claims that I could have 
been a great professional driver. But Pm a 
pretty confident amateur. 

PLAYBOY: How did you get started? 
NEWMAN: I was preparing for Winning, а 
race-car movie. I spent some time with 
Bob Bondurant in L.A., and he started me 
off in an 1100-c.c. Datsun sedan, driving 
around pylons in the parking lot. 
PLAYBOY: How did you do? 

NEWMAN: Oh, I suppose I was all right at 
that. The last day, he put me in a Formula 
B that was kind of out of the box. I think 
the sway bars were kinked. I think it had 
massive toe-in and I couldn't point the car. 
I thought, My God, if this is a race car and 
Igo from this toa Can-Am car, I’m really 
in trouble, because I was missing apexes 
by three feet. I drove very cautiously dur- 
ing the picture, because the cars were way 
over my head. 

PLAYBOY: How fast did you go? 

NEWMAN: It was nothing to drive 180 miles 
an hour down the straightaway. That's 
nothing. It really wasn't until the mid- 
Seventies—1975 or 1976—that I really be- 
gan to catch on to what it was all about. 
And even now, I’m a competent amateur 
driver. In the professional world—let's 
say, Can-Am racing or the Champ Car 
racing or the big stockers—I just don't 
think I could go that fast. Maybe I could 
go reasonably fast if I had enough time on 
the tracks with the equipment. Don’t mis- 
understand. I’m not lacerating myself by 
saying that Pm a slow starter. In fact, I 
may even be faintly complimenting myself 
by saying that whatever I lack in natural 
ability, I make up for. 

PLAYBOY: How did Joanne take to racing? 
NEWMAN: She has just been the best of all 
things through all of this. But she’s never 
put any kind of pressure on me to do any- 
thing other than what I’m doing. Well, I 
don’t know if that’s an accurate statement; 
yes, she does make requests. Now, I enjoy 
all aspects of the theater, though after Pd 
seen Giselle for the 19th time, I became 
resistant. But Joanne and I have a recipro- 
cal-trade agreement. And there are some 
things that 1 won't actually go to by my- 
self, but I will with her. 

PLAYBOY: What things? 

NEWMAN: The 46th running of Giselle. 
PLAYBOY: What is it about racing—about 
getting behind the wheel and driving the 
car—that attracts you? 

NEWMAN: I don’t know that I’ve really 
ever answered that question. It’s just 
something that I really wanted to do and I 
did it. It’s like salad dressing. I just de- 
cided one day, Why not do it? And it's 
marvelous to say, “I want to do it because 
I think it’s going to be fun.” Then you sur- 
prise yourself when you do it, because it is 
fun. It's just fun; that’s all. I can't be com- 
petitive about acting, because there’s no 
way you can compete as an actor. What 


are you competing against? In auto racing, 
either you win or you lose. You go across 
the finish line and come in first or second 
or nirith—or not at all. 

PLAYBOY: Has it helped you as an actor? 
NEWMAN: Joanne says it has. Her theory is 
that I was getting bored as an actor, 
maybe because I couldn't get out of my 
own skin any longer. And that I was start- 
ing to-duplicate myself. She says that she 
thinks that part of my passion for racing 
has now bled back into my acting. I don’t 
know. It’s as valid a theory as any other 
I've heard. 

PLAYBOY: But what is it that excites you? [5 
it the speed, the power? Is it the technolo- 
gy? Is it being able to take a turn? 
NEWMAN: I suppose that's the final kick— 
to run a race or run one lap of a race and 
feel good about what you're able to do 
with that machinery. Somewhere along the 
line, I like to think that I went as fast as 
the car could go, that I went around there 
at the limit of my own adhesion. That 
gives me the same good feeling about my- 
self that I have when I figure that Pve 
licked a scene. It’s like a gardener who looks 
at a bed of flowers and knows it’s the best. 
PLAYBOY: But there’s certainly an element 
of physical danger with racing that doesn’t 
exist with gardening. 

NEWMAN: Г think the element of risk is in 
degrees, depending on what kind of car 
you drive. Guys who drive the formula 
cars, open-wheel cars, are almost literally 
in front of the front wheels. They stand a 
much better chance of getting hurt than I 
do. The car I drive is pretty well protected. 
PLAYBOY: What do you say to people who 
claim you have a death wish? 

NEWMAN: Horseshit. 1 don't think that's 
part of it at all. I think the way it is with 
racers is that somewhere along the line, 
they like the idea of cars and they start 
with gocarts. They go from gocarts, when 
they're old enough to go, into Formula 
Vees and Formula Fords or Formula Su- 
per Vees. And after a while, maybe they 
feel they can control something that’s a lit- 
tle tougher, a little harder, a little faster. 
And the next thing you know, they're 
going from Formula Vee to Can-Am cars. 
I don't think it has anything to do with a 
death wish. The kid who gets into a gocart 
when he’s 12 certainly has no death wish. 
And that same kid at the age of 28, when 
he gets into a Formula I car, has simply 
graduated and gone on in his profession to 
what is considered to be the toughest and 
the best. 

PLAYBOY: What about the actor who gets 
into one of those cars not at 28 but at 58? 
NEWMAN: People seem to think for some 
reason that my personality is embedded in 
concrete. It isn’t. I'm a very whimsical 
person. So you can’t get a straight answer 
from a whimsical person about a whimsi- 
cal thing that he does at the age of 58. 
PLAYBOY: Didn't you run into some resist- 
ance from the pros when you started it— 
that you were a dilettante, an actor 


playing at racing? 


NEWMAN: No, they just thought I was 
slow. And I was. Again, I was also lucky. 
PLAYBOY: Let's take up Newman's luck 
again as it affected you professionally. 
When did it start? 

NEWMAN: It’s interesting; if you talk with 
people I worked with in school, they will 
say I had a great deal of promise. Two 
years of drama and undergraduate school, 
a year at Yale for my master's, two years of 
summer stock and a year of winter stock— 
but J really didn’t know anything! I got into 
the Actors Studio by a fiuke; during my 
audition, they mistook terror—which is 
what I felt—for performed emotion. Later 
on, after Га gotten my feet wet under- 
studying in the Broadway production of 
Picnic, I was up for a live-television role. 
James Dean and I were supposed to do a 
TV show called The Battler, with Jimmy 
playing the lead and me in a supporting 
role. Then he was killed. They asked me to 
play his part. I said, “I can't do that, emo- 
tionally." But I did it—the next day on 
television, live. Soon after that, I was 
offered the role of Rocky Graziano. I'm 
still convinced that if Jimmy had done The 
Battler, he'd have gotten the role in Some- 
body Up There Likes Me. 

"Thinking back to that, and to all of my 
experience since, I suppose I’m just sur- 
prised that I’m alive. I’m not a religious 
person; you can't say God is looking after 
you because He took Jimmy Dean. You 
can’t say God is looking after you because 
He gave your pilot an earache but put the 
15 other guys in coffins. 

PLAYBOY: What can you say? 
NEWMAN: Well, I guess I just. . . . Listen: 
‘There was some kind of study done a few 
years ago—1 don't know if it's valid— 
that measured the many reasons that 
people ended up in a particular high- 
income group. It turned out that being in 
the right place at the right time was the 
most significant factor. Knowing the right 
person was the second most important 
thing. Skills came in third. [At that mo- 
ment, Newman puts the car through a turn 
very quickly] 
PLAYBOY: And knowing when to put on the 
brakes? 
NEWMAN: And knowing when to put on the 
brakes. Well, if you had braked slowly and 
neatly on that turn, you would have 
missed the light. This way, you slow down 
very quickly and get down to turning 
speed and get through the turn. Even in 
racing, Pve just been very lucky—very 
lucky. If the throttle sticks in a 900- 
horsepower car, you're OK—except if 
you're in Lime Rock, Connecticut. And 
that’s where I was once. There are six 
turns in Lime Rock. It’s a very tight 
track—ups and downs. If the throttle had 
stuck in any other turn except the one in 
which it stuck, I would have been in decp, 
deep . . . bouillabaisse! Heavy bouillabaisse. 
[Laughs] That’s just one of the instances. I 
(continued on page 158) 


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sometimes he might select seven women. and fici 
there had been nights when he celebrated резот ts 


в with twice seven. and i? i had nothing NORMAN MAILER 


part опе мншет cannot speak of how 
the Gardens of the Secluded may look to- 
day, a hundred women lived there then, and 
it was the loveliest part of the palace 


Behind its walls were many fine houses, and 
from each kitchen you could hear much gai- 
ety for many of the little queens loved to cat 
and were merry when there was food before 


them. And of course they loved to drink. 
Each day, after all, was like the one before. 
The little queens arose long after sounds 
from the palace beyond their walls had 
awakened everyone but themselves, and 
through the morning they would dress one 
another and hold long conversations over 
what they would borrow, and tell long tales 


of what they had lost to one another. For if 
the Pharaoh happened to visit a little queen 
while she was wearing a borrowed necklace, 
it became her own necklace. Since He had 
seen it on her, there was no question of giv- 

ing it back. Of course, His gifts were never 
loaned so lightly. Any adornment that came 
from Usermare was not to be touched by 


79 


anyone else. Once, a little queen broke this 
rule, but she was obliged to pay a fearful 
penalty. Her small toe was severed from her 
left foot. As quickly destroy the first column 
of a temple built by Ramses the Great as 
lend one of His gifts. Afterward, this little 
queen did not dance, in fact, she hardly 
moved, and she ate tidbits, like the candied 
wings of birds, to restore the ache left by the 
stump of her little toe, and became so fat. 
that everyone called her Honey-Ball. I was 
told of her when I first entered the Багет. 

Of course, any man who was not a 
eunuch would have found it unnatural to 
serve in the Gardens of the Secluded and 
know the nearness of so many female 
bodies. Since they belonged to Usermare, 
one would no morc breathe their perfume 
too closely than drink from His golden cup. 
Death to be caught in the act with any 
one of these hundred women, and so I spoke 
to the little queens as if they were lowers at 
the edge of the pond, and did my best to 
show a face of stone. 

I can say that such fear did not please 
me. Each morning I awoke in the House of 
the Secluded with more desire to learn the 
ways of these beautiful women. І saw that 
my pcasant beginnings, no matter how they 
had been dignified by the achievements of a 
soldier, would be of no use for comprehend- 
ing the airs and silly disputes of this harem 
where I was now the overseer, especially 
when I did not know if their arts of cosmet- 
ics and storytelling, of music and dance and 
kingly seduction, were as common in this 
place as an ass and a plow to a peasant, or 
partook of magic itself. Nor could I decide if 
the passing quarrels I witnessed each day 
were as important to the gods as any battle 
between two men. Indeed, they seemed to 
be fought as fiercely in some god's service! 
Truly, it was the most curious period of 
my life. 


. 

In the harem, the trees were so many, 
and the grounds so full with flowers I had 
never glimpsed before that I thought there 
must be more blooms than grew in all of 
Egypt, such reds and golden greens and 
flowers with violet and rose and cream and 
scarlet and petals so soft that the sweet lips 
of the little queens might have been 


whispering on my check. Never had I seen 
such color before, nor these black-and- 
yellow bridges with silver balustrades and 
golden posts crossing the ponds that wan- 
dered through. A green moss covered the 
banks, as brilliant in the soft light as any 
emerald. It was the most beautiful place 
through which I ever wandered, and a per- 
fume came from the flowers and the fruit 
trees until even the blue lotus had a sweet- 
ness of odor. Since it usually had none, I did 
not know why I could sniff it until I saw 
black eunuchs on their knees painting the 
blue lotus with scented oils, perfuming 
the carob trees, and the sycamores, even 
the roots of the date palms whose fronds, 
above, deepened the shade of the garden. 

In the morning, the little queens sang as 
they brushed one another's hair. They 
played with their children, gave orders to 
their servants. Since they could not leave 
themselves, their cooks were sent to the 
market for food, and scolded on their return 
for any flaws in the onions and meat. At the 
height of the day, the little queens ate at 
each other's houses and exchanged gifts, 
then decorated each other with flowers, or 
sang new songs. They trained their pet 
greyhounds, their cats and their birds. They 
told each other stories of their f ies and 
taught their children to repeat the names of 
the gods of the five senses and the four 
directions of the winds, the gods of the hours 
of the day and of the hours of the night and 
the gods in the tombs of the Pharaohs, of 
Isis and Osiris and Horus and Set, and of 
the Hidden One, Amon, Father of their own 
Father, Usermare. And in the late after- 
noon, after the little queens had slept 
through the heat of the day, they would 
meditate on their books of mag i 
their perfume and cosmetics 
prayers and go once again at twilight to the 
ion to wait for Usermarc. 

Some nights, He would arrive at just that 
hour when the light of the early moon would 
fall upon the radiance of His Chariot, and I 
would watch from the tower gate as the 
Royal Runners raced ahead of Him through 
the street, then fell to the side and kissed the 
stone lions as the doors flew open, Then He 
raced in, leaving behind the two platoons of 
the Royal Guard, the fan-bearer and the 


Honey-Ball ond Menenhetet cast a spell upon the Pharaoh. 


standard-bearer, the mace-bearers and the 
lancers and they, in tum, bowed to an escort 
of princes and dignitaries who whecled in 
their chariots and returned to their homes 
through the streets of Thebes, standing 
beside the grooms of the chariots in the 
near dark, their bodies jolting to the 
clatter. 

Yet, if there were nights when everyone 
knew He was coming, other times He sur- 
prised all. Sometimes, the little queens 
waited eagerly for Him when He did not 
come. Having been given signs by their 
gods that the occasion was favorable, they 
were now obliged to assume that other gods 
had intervened, or had their prayers been 
spoken in an unclear voice? They would 
raise a hand for their servant and, furious 
with the perfume they had chosen (which 
could also have betrayed them) would walk 
down to the lake and wash in the moonlight, 
bathing away the scent of its failure. 

‘There were little queens who might 
dress every night for thirty nights with 
much attention yet never be spoken to 
once by the King. Then, as 1 came to 
understand, they were by the end like de- 
feated soldiers and did not try tocharm the 
King again for many months but would 
stay in their homes and teach their chil- 
dren and wait until another season had 
come. If they failed on the Flood, they 
might even wait through all of Sowing and 
Harvest until the fields were bare again. 
Some never tried a second time. There 
were little queens who had lived for ten 
years in the Gardens of the Secluded and 
never saw His Splendor—it was enough if 
they could serve as friend to a little queen 
who was, for a while, a Favorite. 


. 

In the dry season, after I had been Gov- 
ernor of the House of the Secluded for 
many months, Usermare arrived onc night 
so late at the Gardens that thc dis- 
appointed women were already bathing in 
the lake. He was drunk. Never before had 
I seen Him so. “I have been drunk for 
three nights on Ао,” said Usermare, 
“and it is the strongest brandy in all of 
Egypt. Yes, drink kolobi with Me,” said 
Usermare as He came through the Gates, 
and I bowed and said, “No honor is 


ILLUSTRATIONS BY DON МАМ PUNCHATZ 


8l 


PLAYROY 


82 


greater,” and gulped it out of the golden 
goblet passed to me. Usermare asked, “Is 
the kolobi hard to swallow?” When I did 
not reply, He said, “Does what 1 say have 
an evil smell? Drink!” 

On this night, Usermare went down to 
the lake. It was a place He had never vis- 
ited for so long as 1 had been there and 
thereby He surprised the few little queens 
who were bathing in the moonlight. In- 
deed they were frolicking before the 
eunuchs who waited on the shore, holding 
their robes. Now, they gave a squeak and a 
cry and the splashing sound of bathers 
trying to hide themselves. Usermare 
laughed until one could smell His brandy 
in the air. 

“Come out of the water and amuse 
Me,” He said. "You've played long 
enough.” 

So they emerged, some more beautiful 
under the moon than they could ever be in 
the light of the sun. Some were shivering. 
A few of the most timid little queens had 
not been near to Usermare for the longest 
time. One woman, Hegat, named after the 
Goddess of Frogs, had been, on occasion, 
His companion and another, the fat one, 
Honey-Ball, had even been a Favorite 
until her toe was cut off. Now, she bowed 
before Him but with a flash of her eyes so 
intense that even in the night, the white of 
her cycs was whiter than linen. Although 
Honey-Ball was very fat, she carried her- 
self as if she were the greatest little queen 
of them all, and did not look fat at this 
moment but powerful. Her hips were like 
the hips of a horse. 

Then they were all out of the water, and 
their eunuchs put forward golden chairs so 
that they might sit about Him in a semi- 
circle, but Usermare asked, “Who will 
drink the kolobi with Me?” and of them all, 
only Honey-Ball reached forward her 
hand. He gave it to her and she drank and 
handed back the cup and I poured more 
kolobi for the Pharaoh. 

“Tell Me stories,” said Usermare. “1 
have been drinking this brandy of Egypt 
for three days, and I would have done bet- 
ter to swallow the blood of a dead man. I 
have awakened each morning with a blow 
in My head from the ghost, but I do not 
know which ghost." 

The smell of His brandy lay on the night 
air, full of the wounds of the grape. User- 
mare had lungs to breathe the flames of 
fire itself, but the little queens sat with 
throats full of unseen smoke. Heavy was 
their fear of the invisible fire of the brandy. 

"Heqat, He said, “amuse Me." He 
burped. The queens giggled hopefully as 
if the sound might lap at the edge of His 
fire and soothe it. Tonight, however, He 
had had so much of the kolobi that they 
laughed in great doubt, not knowing if 
their mirth was soothing His temper, or 
inflaming it. 

“Great and noble Two-House,” said 
Hegat, “I would wish to tell a story that 


does not displease You.” 

“Tell no stories of frogs, then. You are 
much like a frog yourself.” 

Usermare always spoke to Heqat in just 
this manner. It was apparent He could 
not bear her appearance. She was the 
ugliest of the little queens, and for that 
matter could be the ugliest in many a 
group of women. 

Now, in the darkness, by the bank of the 
lake, Hegat said, “In Syria, to the cast of 
Туге, the brides of many men are bought 
at auction. The most beautiful bring a 
good price to their family, but for ugly 
women in whom there is no interest, the 
father of the bride inust pay the groom. So 
there comes an hour in the auction, when 
the passage of money changes its course, 
even as the tides of the Very Green wash 
out and then wash back. Much money is 
paid by the father of the ugliest bride.” 

The story had succeeded in capturing 
Him. There were murmurs from the little 
queens. “It happened,” said Hegat, “that 
one woman was so ugly her new husband 
grew ill when he looked at her. Yet, one 
night soon after her marriage, she was be- 
friended in a dream by the Goddess 
Astarte who said, ‘I am bored by beauty. I 
find it common. So I take notice of you, 
poor ugly girl, and offer these words of 
magic. They will protect your husband 
and sons from every disease but the one 
chosen to kill them.’ Then Astarte dis- 
appeared. The husband of this ugly 
woman, however, grew so rich in vigor 
that he made love to his ugly wife every 
night and they had many children who 
were also healthy. When at last the hus- 
band died of the one disease chosen to kill 
him, the woman asked to be auctioned 
again. By this time her power to take good 
care of those who lived closest to her was 
so well known that she commanded the 
highest price at the auction. More was 
paid for her than for the loveliest bride. 
Thereby, every principle of beauty was 
turned about on that day. Now, in my 
land, they cannot tell the good-looking 
women from the ugly, and they honor 
long, crooked noses.” 

She bowed. Her tale was done. A few 
of the little queens began to giggle, but 
Honey-Ball commenced to laugh. Her 
mirth came from a powerful throat, yet the 
sound was so rich at its foundation and 
spoke so well of the recollection of old 
pleasure, that 1 thought it beautiful. 

“Have more kolobi,” said Usermare. 
“Take a good swallow. Your tale is next.” 

Honey-Ball bowed. Her waist was as 
thick as the waist ofany two women beside 
her, but she bowed well enough to touch 
her knee. 

“I have heard of a goddess,” she said, 
“who has rose-colored hair. None know 
Her name.” 

“I would like to see such а goddess,” 
said Usermare. His voice was as powerful 
as her voice. 


“Great Ozymandias,” she said, and 
there was mockery as delicate as the lift of 
a wing in the manner she spoke the name, 
for it was the one by which nanons to the 
East would call Him, “if You were to see 
this rose-colored goddess, You would hold 
Her, and then She would be a goddess no 
more but a woman like any of us." 

The little queens giggled with great 
happiness. The insult was safely contained 
in the compliment, and Usermare could 
only reply, “Tell your tale, Hippo, before I 
give a squeeze to your belly, and the banks 
of this lake are covered with oil.” 


amusement. Oh, Great Ozymandias, the 
skin of this goddess with rose-colored hair 
was white, and so She loved to lie in a 
marsh by the green of the wet marsh-grass. 
There came one day a shepherd who was 
also beautiful, and stronger than other 
men. He wanted Her as soon as he saw 
Her, but She said, ‘First, you must wrestle 
in My pool.’ He said, thinking to tease 
Her, ‘What if I lose?” Oh, She told him, 
he must give Her a sheep if he lost. The 
shepherd seized Her hair, and pulled Her 
to him. Her head smelled as sweet as the 
rose, but his hands were trapped by the 
thorns in Her hair. So She scized him by 
the thighs and threw him, and sat on his 
hcad. Then he discovered thorns in the 
hair of the other forest. Oh, his mouth was 
blecding before She let him go. He had to 
give Her a sheep. Next day, he came to 
fight again, and lost, and gavc up another 
animal. He fought every day until his flock 
was gone, and his lips werc a sorry 
mouth.” 

Now, Honey-Ball began to laugh and 
could not stop. The power of her voice, 
like the first rising of our flood, had a 
strength to pull in all that was on the 
banks. One by one, other little queens be- 
gan to laugh, and then the eunuchs, until 
all were sharing the spirits of this story. 

Maybe it was the kolobi, or it could have 
been the whim of the King, but when the 
merriment of the little queens did not 
cease, He, too, began to laugh and drank 
halfa goblet, and passed what was left to 
Honcy-Ball. “Ma-Khrut,” He said, “you 
are True-of-Voice, indeed,” and by the 
way I heard it, resonant as a bell, I knew 
that Ma-Khrut had been her name in the 
days when she was slender and beautiful 
and most well regarded, for Ma-Khru is a 
title given only to the greatest and wisest of 
priests, He-Who-Is-True-of-Voice, he who 
utters the sounds of the most profound 
prayers in the clearest and firmest tones 
(since in that manner he is able to send 
back in recoil, like an army in flight, all 
gods who might interfere with the prayer). 
None but High Priests are granted such a 
title of respect. Yet here was Honey-Ball 
given the name of Ma-Khrut. It could only 

(continued on page 118) 


“The public is not permitted to congratulate the 
performers before the end of the show.” 


GOING 
NATIVE 


television's pamela bellwood 
visits another dynasty—among 
the masai of kenya 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD FEGLEY 


HES ACTUALLY rather low class and economically 
$: leprived, and she's not very intellectually real- 

ized or thought out or satisfied. She's the kind of 
person I don't really know and never really will." 
ss Pamela Bellwood talking about h 
vidco alter ego, Claudia Blaisdel, perhaps the only certi- 
fiably demented character in the hugely successful 
ABC-TV serial drama Dynasty. If you know Claudia, 
then you haven't an inkling of what Pamela is like. 

For instance, Claudia is now in an insane asylum, 
put there by a merciful team of writers. But her con- 
signment to a padded pantry put Pamela on the 
bricks—for a while, anyway. 

Strangely, there were no tears for Claudia in the Bell- 
wood household, because while Claudia gets her head 
straight, Pamela is free to roam the world, a passion in 
which she unashamedly overindulges 

“T don't know why I love to travel so much,” Pamela 
says, “but Г really do. To me, it's very heady to just 
pack your bags and get on a flight and wind up some- 
place you've never been. I love that. And the rougher it 
is, the better I like it. I love trekking through the jungle 
and coming upon a village that no one’s been to and 
having pigs moved out (text concluded on page 92) 


On a photo sofori for плтвот (top and left), Pamela meets 
the animals and the people of Kenya. Fram the Dynasty cost 
(above) are Charlie's newest angels (from left), Linda Evans, 
Pamela, Heather Locklear, Pamela Sue Martin, Joan Col- 
lins and, in front, Bloke Corrington, actor John Forsythe. 


85 


An experienced traveler, Pamela Bell- 
wood goes native (below and right) in a 
special fantasy sequence staged for 
prarsor. In the shot directly below, Pamela 
is greeted by the Masai worriars af Kenya 
‘and joins in their ritual jumping dance. 


Then, after being stripped, her body is 
pointed by various members af the tribe, 
as a sign of her acceptance, with the 
ocher usually reserved for the male Masai. 


AT 7 


| P á (N 


The heads of Masai men and women are 
usually shaved and some of the men wear 
ochered and plaited wigs far ceremanies. 
While the men wear little, the women are 
always clathed. Only young, unmarried 
women are allowed to bare their breasts. 
The Mosai are actually с collection of 
tribes in Kenya and Tanzania that speak 
Moa and live a namadic life, existing 
mostly on the cattle herds they keep. 
Although our shoot brake a lot of their 
rules, the Masai apparently enjoyed the 
experience. Says Pamela, “They were 
wonderful actors. If yau hired people, 
you couldn't get better reactions.” 


After going through the painting ritual, Pamela is transformed into a Masai tribesman, complete with the colorful beaded necklace, headdress and 
loincloth of the warrior. The beads are handmade by the tribes, but the metal spears und bracelets are imported, because the Masai religion for- 
bids smelting and ironwork. Pamela engaged in some spear throwing ond a game of bamboo-stick throwing with the men—oll in fun, of caurse. 


PLAYBOY 


of a mud-floored hut so I can sleep there. 
And eating with people whom I can't even 
communicate with verbally. There's a link 
that exists among people that’s nonverbal. 
It's a behavioral link. And I've found that 
in so many places, and that’s fascinating.” 

We caught Pamela on a refueling stop at 
her home in Los Angeles. In her particular 
neighborhood, a mud-floored hut is the re- 
sult of a hot tub's overflowing. The house, 
though spacious, is not luxurious. It’s 
almost Spartan by Hollywood standards. 
‘The one fairly rich-looking piece we com- 
mented on, an ornately carved bed from 
Thailand, was offered to us for sale. It is 
clearly the home of people who aren't 
home much. 

Pamela lives there— 
with Nik Wheeler, a British-born photojour- 
nalist. Along with Nik, and in her capacity 
as a writer for a French press syndicate, 
Pamela has covered the wild-mustang 
roundups in Nevada, East African wil- 
debeest migrations, Filipino gun patrols, 
rhinoceros poaching in Kenya, river rafting 
in Thailand, swamp-buggy racing in Flor- 
ida, World Cup soccer in Argentina, the 
Cannes Film Festival and the Holmes- 
Cooney fight, among other things. 

We talked with her just after her trip to 
Africa and just before her junket to Japan. 

In the manner of a true travel junkie, 
Pamela tells time by her shots: “И was 
about four days before we left for New 
Guinea, because I remember taking my 
malaria pills” or “It was the day before we 
were leaving for Japan and I had gotten my 
yellow-fever shot 

She calls herself an observer and makes 
no apologies for an insatiable curiosity. But 
there is more than observing going on in 
her. There is a lot of pat ating. And 
curiosity is a modest euphemism for her 
drive to learn. Her latest African jaunt was 
PLaynoy’s idea: a 36-hour flight to the Masai 
Mara, a game preserve in Kenya, and 
another hour and a half by Land-Rover to a 
remote Masai village—to shoot the wild 
Bellwood in her preferred habitat 

The Masai, while dignified, are also fun- 
loving. But they are far enough off the 
beaten track never to have heard of PLAYBOY; 
ie. truly remote. The cultural differences 
were immediately apparent. 

“We found an old T-shirt,” Pamela re- 
counts, “and a baggy pair of green shorts 
that we were going to use for the shoot. We 
decided to cut the shorts to make them 
shorter and sexicr. The Masai men were 
standing around watching. Then one of 
them, as we were cutting the shorts—and 
we were cutting them real high—came over 
and said, ‘I think that is enough. I think 
that is more than enough.’ It was sweet. 

“They have a sense of etiquette. Only the 
unmarried women are allowed to show their 
breasts. Once you're married, you can't 
bare your chest at all. Most of the shooting 
we did was with married women, who 


vhen she's there— 


didn’t mind the fact that I was barc- 
breasted. But then I put on this kind of 
loincloth, and all the women walked away 
and sat under а uec. They wouldn't come 
back as long as I was wearing that. Because, 
even though its all right to show the upper 
part of your body, they never show their legs 
at all. The men show their legs, but the 
women wear skirts. Showing bare legs was 
very unnerving to them.” 

The Masai also tend to be very discrimi- 
mating in what they pick up from Western 
civilization or, at least, from the little to 
which they're exposed. "For instance,” 
Pamela continues, “the Masai cut their car 
lobes and stretch them into large loops. 
Sometimes, in the tribes that are close to the 
tented camps, you'll see them walking 
around with film cans in their ears. On the 
other hand, when they saw my hair [corn- 
rowed with beads at the time], one of them 
came up to me and looked at my beads and 
just said, “Plastic? The ones who spoke Eng- 
lish were very funny. 

“The Masai are such a beautiful people. 
When you look at the faces of some 
we shot, they are so magnificent. And 
they're such a gentle people. Sensuous and 
colorful. If this pictorial makes thern more 
accessible to people who will never get to 
sec them, then it will be a good thing. I 
hope it shows their beauty, a beauty I 
couldn't hope to match." 

If Pamela is smitten by the Masai, she is 
just as enamored of the land and е а 
mals of Kenya. 

“The carth is a magnificent color,” she 
thapsodizes. “It’s ocher, hright orange-red 
clay. And the flowers are extraordinary. 
s and pinks all 
in combination with the really fresh green, 
plus magnificent vistas, beautiful rivers 
and lakes, And amid all that, wildlife that 
you don’t have anywhere else in the world. 
It's as close to Eden as you can imagine." 

But Pamela saw trouble in paradise, 
too. “I saw all these impalas that were just 
dying. A lot of animals were dying because 
of the drought. Females were dying in 
childbirth because they didn’t have the 
strength to deliver their calves. So you 
would see babies kind of half out of their 
mothers and both of them dead. Or hyena 
just waiting for a mother to deliver. 
They're such thieves! They'll just snatch 
the baby from her. 

“There are barbed-wire fences around 
the game preserve. I saw impalas jump 
through the barbed wire because thc 
drought was so severe. They get caught 
and just push themselves through. 105 
very upsetting to see an animal disoriented 
like that. And yet, the first time I went to 
Africa, it was like going home. 1 don't 
know why, but I remember sceing a moun- 
tain in the northern part of Kenya that I 
felt Fd seen before—that Га been there 
before. 1 remember getting up at dawn 
and having breakfast on that moun- 


tain and feeling that I could spend the rest 
of my life there. Гуе never had that feeling 
any other place. So Africa is a very, very, 
very special place for me.” 

Pamela Bellwood is a native of New 
York. She attended a fashionable Eastern 
college that she refuses to name. She de- 
scribes her family as “a middle-class fam- 
ily from the East Coast, business-oriented. 
My father is very involved in the stock 
market. An establishment family.” 

She began her acting career on the stage 
in Boston, London and New York succes- 
sively. Her movie credits include Two- 
Minute Warning, Airport "77, Serial, The 
Incredible Shrinking Woman and Hangar 
18. You've seen her on the tube in Mannix, 
Police Story, Baretta, The Hallmark Hall of 
Fame and in the Faye Dunaway role in 
"TV's version of Network, which was called 
WEB. (Pamela actually took the role of 
Claudia Blaisdel to avoid being typecast as 
the “hard-bitten female-executive type” 
she had played in WEB.) 
nothing in her background would 
explain her ‘predilection for mud floors. 
The fact is, she lives two completely sepa- 
rate lives. The acting finances the trayel 
and the travel broadens the acting talent. 
We wondered if it were the contrasting 
danger that attracted her to the \derer’s 
life. Pamela wondered where the real dan- 
ger was. 

“Pd much rather sleep in a tented camp 
knowing there arc hippos or lions outside 
that can be very dangerous if you have 
to goto the outhouse at three in the morn- 
ing—Pd rather deal with that kind of 
danger than with the clement of danger 
coming from sophisticated hypocrisy and 
back-stabbing. We feel out of the bush and 
into the jungle when we come back to Los 
Angeles. One time, I was in a litte village 
in northern Thailand at an elephant 
roundup. 1 had to fly back here 10 have 
lunch with this Beverly Hills lawyer in a 
Beverly Hills restaurant. And he told me 
that the stereo set that he put in his office 
cost him $40,000, but it gave great music 
and it was the same kind that Barbra 
Streisand had. І was thinking that the en- 
tire gross income of the village I had just 
left 24 hours carlier was probably smaller 
than the cost of his stereo system. So if you 
ask me why I travel, why 1 like to go 
places, it's just to gain a larger perspective 
than you get here 

“I mean, I like my pretty house and I 
like nice cars and creature comforts. It's 
nice to be able to have them. But 1 think 
what is not nice is not to be able to live 
without them. I don't think that would be 
a problem for me, though I'm not yet 
ready to give them up. But I don't think 
you have to give up one thing for the other. 
Pm trying to achieve a balance in my life 
So far, it's satisfying." 


“Now repeat after те—"А satyr is never too 
tired, a satyr is never loo busy.” 


when the porn-film business” 
biggest male star went on 

trial for murder, it forced a 
remeasuring of ihe man 


article By AL GOLDSTEIN 


THE HARDER 
THEY FALL 


One of the shadowy figures leaned over the 
body and, with his right hand, propped him- 
self against the brass bedstead. The cocaine in 
him rolled his emotions into a tight, focused 
ball, so that, somehow, the coolness of the 
brass impressed him to about the same extent 
as the astonishing amount of blood flooding 
from Ronald Launius’ mangled skull. He 
didn't feel panic—the coke took care of that. 
He felt the cool brass and watched the bright- 
scarlet blood. 

The steady impact of the black poker on 
flesh continued upstairs. It sounded like a 
sock filled with sand being thrown against 
concrete. The figure heard someone say, 
“Give me some help with his legs” and idly 
wondered if it were Deverell’s corpse they 
were moving. Someone—Lind’s girl—was 
pleading not to be killed with a voice so ter- 
rified as to sound inhuman. There were low 
moans from Susan Launius. The figure 
heard them but kept quiet about it, When the 
others left the house, he did, too. They went 
through the wrought-iron gate, leaving it 
open even though the pit bulls had gotten 
loose and were al run in the yard. The group 
crossed Wonderland Avenue, got into their 
car and drove down Laurel Canyon toward 
Sunset Strip. 


TT WAS AROUND four A.M. on July 1, 1981, in 
the Hollywood Hills. What was left behind 
in the smeared-mustard-stucco box home 
at 8763 Wonderland Avenue was a grisly 
scene of mass murder. 

Joy Audrey Miller, clubbed to death, 
had rented the house for $750 a month, A 
fringe figure with a history of arrests, she 
had been observed actually doling out 
drugs in front of the house at least eight 
times—this according to police affidavits 
filed in the case for which she was, at the 
time of her death, being prosecuted. At 46, 
she was a bizarre cross between Ma Bark- 
er and Edie Sedgwick, the matron of a 
drug-and-burglary ring, her house a de- 
motic Eighties version of a crash pad. She 
had been through bouts with cancer, had 
had both breasts removed but had battled 
physical exhaustion to continue traffick- 
ing. Neighbors thought she lived off money 
from her father, the owner of a liquor store 


LUSTRATION BY TOM JAMES. 


PLAYBOY 


where Joy used to clerk. The 1969 280 SL 
Mercedes was an emblem of her suc- 
cess and its limitations. The recently 
purchased pit bulls were an emblem of 
her fear. 

William Ray Deverell, clubbed to death, 
was Miller's lover. He, too, had a long 
string of arrests—13 between 1952 and 
1958, seven for narcotics—but lately, 
police had been unable to arrest him at the 
Wonderland Avenue address, because 
Miller insisted on taking responsibility for 
all the drugs in the house. She was shield- 
ing Deverell, a saving grace in her life, a 
good, strong man. He was next to her on 
the floor when they found him. 

Ronald Launius, clubbed to death, was 
a Sacramento import who passed himself. 
off as something of a desperado. He, too, 
had a history of arrests, including one for 
murder. A Sacramento cop described 
Launius as “one of the coldest people I 
have ever met" and detailed a drug- 
smuggling scam that had Launius using 
teenagers to ferry drugs across the Mex- 
ican border in rebuilt cars. Witnesses in 
his court cases had shown a strange pre- 
dilection for turning up dead. The ulti- 
mate irony about Launius, however, was 
that he was killed with a lethal case of 
blood poisoning in his veins. Left un- 
treated, he would have died anyway from 
a dirty ncedle. 

Barbara Lee Richardson, clubbed to 
death, was murdered for being in the 
wrong place at the wrong time. She was 
the girlfriend of David Lind, Launius” 
partner, and was crashing in the living 
room at Wonderland Avenue. Lind had 
apparently been one of the murderers’ 
targets but had left before the killers ar- 
rived. Richardson was his replacement. 

"The killers had left four corpses littering 
the floors at Wonderland Avenuc. The 
neighbor who discovered the scene de- 
scribed it as looking as if someone had 
taken a couple of buckets of blood and 
flung it over the walls. The police had a 
more cynical tag for it. They were calling it 
the four-on-the-floor murders. 

The fifth victim, Susan Launius, had 
part of her face and skull bludgeoned, her 
neck torn and bruised, the tip of the little 
finger of her right hand severed in what 
hospital people were calling a classic de- 
fense wound. She had come from Sac- 
ramento in an attempt to patch things up 
with Ron, her estranged husband, and it 
was only by the most awful twist of fate 
that she was present that night. Susan was 
to be the cops’ star witness if she survived; 
but when she did, she said she remem- 
bered seeing only “shadowy figures.” 
Shadows don’t kill, they told her. Only 
shadows, she said. She drifted in and out 
of consciousness for 12 hours after the mas- 
sacre, until a neighbor finally heard her 
low moans and walked in on the aftermath 
of the killings. Her cries of the early morn- 
ing before had not elicited a response. 


It was not unusual to hear noise from 
8763, neighbors said. There were a lot 
of late-night parties, jacked-up stereos, 
screams. Strange guests came and went at 
all hours. The landlady had once rented 
the house to members of Paul Revere 
and the Raiders. Neighbors thought the 
band had been quiet by comparison. 

Laurel Canyon is the kind of place one 
expects to be an enclave. The wooded Hol- 
lywood Hills provide a sense of sanctuary. 
Every news account about the murders 
soberly reported the fact that Jerry 
Brown’s house was only two blocks from 
where Launius, Miller, Deverell and 
Richardson were killed. Early in the inves- 
tigation, the murders were characterized 
as Manson-style hacking deaths, terrifying 
everyone. The Manson business had been 
too random, too casual as to choice of vic- 
tim. Everyone in Laurel Canyon hoped the 
deaths were drug- or business-related. No 
one wanted the specter of chance death 
invading his refuge. 

Ten minutes from this refuge, down 
winding roads perfect for road testing a 
Ferrari or a Porsche, the Strip rolls out its 
shabby carpet of decadence. Here 
another world—harsh, menacing, abra- 
sive, importunate. It is the world of the lo- 
cust, the poscur, the objectless hustle. One 
of its prominent denizens was Adel Nasral- 
lah, a name he had Amcricanized—no 
doubt to give everyone an idea of his sense 
of taste—to Eddie Nash. А night-club 
owner—of the defunct rock showcase the 
Starwood, the soon-to-be-defunct Seven 
Scas, Ali Baba on the Strip, a lot of gay 
clubs (though authorities would charge 
that the clubs were only part of his deal- 
ings)—Nash was busted three times for 
drugs in the months surrounding the mur- 
ders. Once, when police came up with 
$1,000,000 in coke from his private safe, 
his lawyers argued that it was for personal 
use. After the murders, his name would 
crop up in the L.A. media with increasing 
frequency—in an arson ring of which he 
was the only one acquitted among four 
coconspirators, the others convicted of 
racketeering and mail fraud. Then there 
was an overdose death at Nash’s Studio 
City home: one Domenico Fragomeli, 
Nash’s driver and butler. 

But it was the link to the Laurel Canyon 
murders that would prove most trouble- 
some to Nash over the next months. Greg 
Dewitt Diles, his massive, blubbery body- 
guard—at 300 pounds a mountain of 
black lava—would be arrested for the 
murders and then be released for lack of 
evidence, Even the prosecution would 
characterize the deaths at Wonderland 
Avenue as "the gruesome revenge of Eddie 
Nash." 

The trial for the murders would not be 
that of Nash, however. Based on a palm 
print found on the premises and on state- 
ments made by the police, John Curtis 
Holmes, an X-rated superstar who gave 


his trade as “actor and screenwriter,” 
would be arrested and charged with the 
killings nearly six months after they took 
place. The press had a field day with 
sex-and-death porn-star headlines, and 
Holmes's arraignment would send shock 
waves through the tightly knit pornogra- 
phy industry in California. 

Across the continent, the news about 
Holmes filtered into my office like a dis- 
ease-carrying miasma. I reacted as strong- 
ly as the California porn community to 
the details of his alleged involvement with 
mass murder but for a different reason. It 
wasn't just dollars and cents to me. For a 
good part of my adult life, I have been 
obsessed with John Holmes. This was not 
simply porn's leading man who was in 
trouble but one of my personal heroes. 
And even though a jury, not convinced 
beyond a reasonable doubt, would even- 
tually acquit Holmes of being one of Susan 
Launius’ shadowy figures that morning in 
Laurel Canyon, I would soon find that 
John Holmes has been a shadowy figure 
all his life. 


. 

I had followed Holmes's career with an 
avidity that bordercd on neurosis. As the 
publisher of Screw, I was in a position to 
obscrve and critique every prick in the X- 
rated business, As a Jewish male, I was 
unable to lose a simple fascination with 
size as a quotient of sexual prowess. And 
Holmes's prick was huge. I recall the first 
time my paper had remarked upon a cer- 
tain newcomer on the smut scene, then 
anonymous, as “that schmuck from L.A. 
with the enormous cock. . . ." A star was 
borne between Holmess legs. 

That was in 1972. Over the next years, 
as the sexual revolution blossomed and 
the number of porn stars and movies 
burgeoned, Holmes unleashed his “14 
inches of dangling death” in 2500 films, 
loops and features, finally to become the 
brightest star in the rather murky firma- 
ment of smut. Now, as the connection 
between Holmes and the Laurel Canyon 
murders became apparent, I couldn't help 
marveling at the direction Holmes's life 
had taken. Johnny Wadd, one of his main 
personae in his films, was a sullen, macho, 
gun-wielding shamus—porn’s parody of a 
hard-boiled dick—exactly the type who 
would be involved with characters such as 
Eddie Nash, Greg Diles and something 
called the four-on-the-floor murders. It all 
sounded like a lousy screenplay. There 
were bitterly satiric Holmes jokes circulat- 
ing in the Screw offices (“Bludgeoning? I 
think he was just naked and turned around 
fast without warning anyone!”). Calls 
came in daily from porno and publishing 
luminaries with gossip about the case. 

Through it all, 1 tried to graph the porn 
world’s connection to the Laurel Canyon 
murders, trying to define the limits of 
porn’s culpability. Were the moralists 

(continued on page 100) 


TURBO HAS BECOME the buzz word of the Eighties. Just about every car manufacturer 
has released a turbo model. There are turbo jeans, turbo pizzas—name it and they 
market it. Even Johnny Carson got into the act, with Floyd R. Turbo, American. It 
was only a matter of time before the men who make motorcycles went back to the 
drawing boards and machine shops. When Honda introduced a 500 Turbo at the 
Cologne motorcycle show in 1981, the whole world sat up. Early reviews of 
the turbo bikes followed a similar theme: These were Clark Kent/Superman cy- 
cles. You'd be riding along the street on an adequate sports bike. A challenger 


The Kawasaki KZ750T is the latest entry 
into the world af turbo bikes. Expected ta 
arrive midyear, the bike is a technological 
marvel, weighing 500 pounds, with an 
engine that puts out 110 horsepower. The 
bike features digital fuel injectian and an 
antidive front end. We're talking seriaus 
adrenaline here. Estimated price: $4000. 


ROAD 
WARRIORS 


the turbocharge 
of the light brigade 


A generation of café racers preceded the 
Moto Morini Turbo 500 (below, far left). 
The result is light (403 pounds), powerful 
(70.5 horsepower at 8300 rpm) and fast 
(134 mph top). The turbo kicks in at the 
flip of a switch. It's imported by Herdan 
Corporation, Port Clintan, Pennsylvania. 
Estimated cost: $5000. High Italian tech. 


The Suzuki XN85 (second from left) may 
be the closest thing to a street-legal G.P. 
racer that money ($4700) can buy. The 
bike features a 16-inch front wheel, pro- 
type full floater suspension and electronic 
fuel injection. This canyon crusader is light 
(506 pounds) and powerful (the ХМ85 
refers to estimated horsepower). Yikes! 


The Honda CX500 Turbo (third from 
left) was the first in the field—a $4898 
machine so revolutionary that it war- 
ranted about 240 patents. Honda is not 
content to sit on its laurels and plans to in- 
troduce a larger version this year, boost- 
ing the liquid-cooled engine to 650 c.c. 
Triple disc brokes provide stopping power. 


SS s 


"E, 


If George Lucas had designed motorcycles, 
the result would have been the Yamcha 
Turbo Seca 650 (below right). Sleek, styl- 
ish and swift, it features o four-cylinder 
turbocharged engine for speed, a shaft 
drive for smoothness ond an on-board 
microcomputer to monitor molfunctions. A 
mos! visually pleasing bike. About $5000. 


would pull up next to you. A quick drop of the wrist and your motorcycle would 
change personalities, blowing that sucker off the road. Some writers compared 
the change to David Banner's transition to The Incredible Hulk. Twist the throt- 
tle, there's a heartbeat lag, and then your heart stops altogether. The turbo kicks in 
and you suddeniy have the horsepower of an 1100-c.c. bike. The acceleration is 
not linear. You inhale the speed. One second you are doing 40, the next 100— 
just like that. Pull out to pass a car and, before you know it, you are in the next 
state. You may run out of road long before you run out of bike. The future is'now. 


SPECIAL EFFECTS ILLUSTRATION BY MICHAEL GIBSON 


PLAYBOY 


(continued from page 96) 


“Т had always thought of it as a salami, but Гое heard 


it compared to a woman's forearm, a cannon..." 


right? Was this the domino theory of 
ethics—jerking off leading to smoking 
dope leading to snorting coke leading to 
murder and mayhem? Holmes and 1 had 
appeared together at countless sham 
celebrations of porn's success, the type of 
nonevents at which men with unclean 
fingernails glad-hand actresses whose 
perinca are more recognizable than their 
faces. Holmes and I seemed to share an in- 
sider’s disdain for the porn establishment, 
he because he felt it had ripped him off, I 
because I was sickened by the bad-faith 
hypocrisy that infected it—that organiza- 
tion of bald-headed businessmen whose 
wives tell people that their husbands are in 
import/export, who call fuck films “eroti- 
ca,” who feel comfortable only when they 
can apply the word genre to porn, Had 
those pretentious, hypocritical moneymen 
distorted the ethics of poor John Holmes to 
the point that he thought it was all right to 
get involved in murder? 

I had interviewed Holmes for Screw and 
had filled in what I had thought was a fair- 
ly accurate, if composite, portrait of the 
man. I thought we had become friends. 
And beyond friendship, there was always 
the psychological question of my attempt- 
ed identification with him. The size of his 
prick brought out all the insecurity in 
me. With my oral fixation, 1 had always 
thought ofit as a salami, but I’ve heard it 
compared to a woman's forearm, a can- 
non, a Sunday paper when the rest of us 
were just dailies. I had felt that if that 
prick were just attached to my body, this 
would be a very different world. I remem- 
ber an exchange I had with my analyst: 


coupsretn [on the couch}: 1 meet all 
soris of pcople through my job, and 
they all have large pricks. I envy 
them. Pm intimidated by a guy like 
Holmes, because his shvanlz makes 
mine look like half a pack of Tums. 

THE SHRINK [intentionally bland]: 
What would your life be like if you 
had a larger penis? 

сошвтх [getting excited]: I just 
feel that I would be laid а lot morc 
often. Women would be begging for it. 
"That moment of excitement when I 
dropped my pants. 1 wouldn't even 
have to show them my bankbook. Or 
the 700 issues of Screw. But I would 
drop my pants in the hallway some- 
where and they would all drop to 
their knees and genuflect. I mean, in- 
stant power. It would be the same 
way the Pope feels with his cross. If I 
were panhandling in the street, selling 
pencils next to onc of the guys run- 


ning up to wash car windows, it 
wouldn't matter. A big dick would be 
a great equalizer. 

THE SHRINK: Would you trade places 
with John Holmes? 


At the time, I seriously considered the 
proposition. Holmes's prick was awesome. 
1 had certainly seen enough ofit in movies, 
and somehow, I thought that if you knew 
the prick, you knew the man. 

But now I wondered. Details and con- 
tradictions began flooding in. Holmes be- 
gan to recede in my mind into a strange 
sort of lacuna, until he was again, as he 
had been in the beginning, an anonymous 
schmuck with an enormous pecker. He 
became a shadow, an enigma, a cipher. 

. 

For five months, from the murders on 
July first to November 30, 1981, Holmes 
was unavailable to help me figure him out. 
Following the murders, Los Angeles police 
had immediately picked him up on an un- 
related charge and kept him for some days, 
shunting him around to various downtown 
hotels under heavy guard, grilling him 
about Laurel Canyon. When they released 
him on his own recognizance, he dis- 
appeared. 

I scarched for ways to pin down his per- 
sonality. There was, for example, a dis- 
turbing story from Gloria Leonard, the 
porn star. Discussing Holmes in the weeks 


following the murders, Leonard told me of 


the last time she had scen him. They had 
once worked together in France but had 
gone a couple of years without seeing each 
other when Holmes called her to set up a 
reunion at her new home in Los Angeles. 
He arrived at 9:30 in the morning. “He 
looked like he'd been going," Leonard told 
me. "Like he hadn't been to bed yet. He 
looked— well, he's so painfully thin; you 
know, he's all cock." In the course of two 
hours that morning, Holmes had frec- 
based more than three grams of coke. A 
weck later, he and Leonard were to meet at 
her home once again—at noon, since, as 
she told him, she had an appointment that 
morning. When she returned to meet him, 
her house had been burglarized to the tune 
of $25,000—jewelry, electronic equip- 
ment, guns. Holmes never showed for their 
appointment. 

“I had heard he had a serious cocaine 
problem, but it wasn’t until after that par- 
ticular encounter that I realized how se- 
rious it was," Leonard said. “I heard he 
lost a tot of his possessions. His cars, his 
house, his jewelry, everything else. He had 
obviously not worked in films for about a 


year or more, because he was just so im- 
mersed in the drug culture.” 

It was while Holmes was on the lam 
that Exhausted, his last film before the 
trial, was pushed into release. Suzanne 
Atamian, a.k.a. Julia St. Vincent, a 22- 
year-old former girlfriend of Holmes's, 
produced the film and engineered a pub- 
licity campaign to coincide with the 
notoriety provided by the murders. It is а 
strange fuck film, a pastiche of interviews, 
clips and testimonials, a “documentary” 
on John Holmes the man. Watching it 
amid the hype of the murders—the screen- 
ing was invaded by cops who thought 
Holmes might be there imcognito—1 felt 
unable to separate shadow from sub- 
stance. In the film, the sex goddess Seka 
said that Holmes was the man who 
erupted with “the come of God.” That was 
the Holmes I knew and idolized. But in 
one of the interviews slotted throughout 
Exhausted, Y saw him groping for a sense of 
himself: "Everybody . . . sees into that 
character that I portrav, which is not me. 
I'm just like everybody else. . . . [But] it's 
tough making the split sometimes.” I 
knew I wouldn't get any answers from 
Exhausted. The film was fascinating but 
about as phony as the tip that had 
caused police to bust the screening A 
good publicity ploy but nothing at all 
behind it. 

Atamian was also the source of a few of 
the bits and pieces I gathered together on 
Holmes. She was convinced that he was a 
pathological liar, that, despite their 
romantic involvement, he had lied to her. 
“I caught John dead-faced in the middle 
ofa lie," she told me. “И was a personal lie 
that he had told me, and he just sat there 
and did not say a fucking thing.” Atamian 
also mentioned Holmes's younger brother, 
David, who owns a Los Angeles antiques 
store. He told Atamian, "John's main 
problem is the size of his cock.” When Г 
called David, he made it clear that he 
wasn't talking about his big brother to 
anybody in the press. 

In the months that followed, I attempt- 
ed to lend more substance to the man Т 
knew as Johnny Holmes. I dug up the old 
two-part Holmes Screw interview, still 
definitive enough to support a rash of bi 
raphies in the men's-mag press but spu- 
rious enough to make them all wrong. It 
became clear that Holmes was an inveter- 
ate liar. His claims of a New York birth, of 
а rich aunt who raised him in Europe, of 
first getting laid by his nanny—it was all 
contrivance, 1 would learn. There were a 
few fascinating facts among the dreck: 
Holmes’s cock measured 12 and three 
quarters inches when erect, not the 14 inch- 
es ofthe publicists. That, of course, was sim- 
ply a rectification of an untruth and only 
showed how slippery—I shudder at the 
image—the footing around Holmes was. 

(continued on page 176) 


“Yep, I guess the full moon takes some gettin’ used to 
if you weren't brought up hereabouts." 


101 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD FEGLEY 


“тот? on” is miss ferguson's 
theme song, but for her, 
it’s a ballad, not a blues 


PERDIO 


OF 


ALEWAY THROUGH breakfast, you remem- 
ber a quotation from an old Irish wit: 

A The woman has at least a dozen pasts, 
and they all fit. Christina Ferguson 

understands the reference. She is an Air Force brat. She 
is fresh, remarkably wholesome yet worldly. She is 19 
years old, but already she has lived in some 15 states. 
“Pve lived in towns as small as Prattville, Alabama, 
and Lubbock, Тех; I've lived in large citi Los 
Angeles. Las as. Now I'm living in Dumfries, Vir- 
ginia, while my fathergoes to War College. The town is 
so small it doesn't even have a video store. Can you be- 
lieve that?" We discuss the effect of living in so many 
locations, on such short notice. Christina is remarkably. 
poised. “Every time you move, it's a new lease on life. 
You can change what went wrong with the last set of 
goods. You can be mysterious. You know, I used to 
have a Southern accent. We moved from Las Vegas to 
Virginia а ter decided to become a preppie." 
Christina gives a shrug, as though to say there's no 
accounting for taste. One has the sense that she has had 


Christina. has a rt schedule for her spare time: 
“I like to lie out in the sun, swim, jog, sew my own 
clothes, go shopping, run a few errands, then meet 
with my fi 


Christina is an Air Force brat. 
“My father went to the Air 
Force Academy. He is a 
fighter pilot. He flew with the 
Thunderbirds. Pue lived in 
about 15 states. Its ‘An 
Officer and a Gentlema 

the Sequel!" Only better. 


a lot of fun living the life of a 
“Lets see. What were 
my favorite places? 1 liked 
bama. I lived there in my pr 
shampoo age, fifth to eighth 
grade. 1 had braces. No bo 
friends. My mother ran a bar. 
We had a lot of river-rat 
єп. Have you ever cooked a 
pig in the dirt? I liked Las 
Vegas. It’s a big little town. 
Where else can you see a show 
or a movie or go skiing? Where 
else does your high school c 
hold its graduation at the Alad- 
din Hotel or its prom at 
Caesars Palace? I loved dres 
ing up in gowns, being chauf- 
feured around in limousines." 
And then there were the jobs 
available in Las Vegas. “I used 
to lie on a raft in the middle ofa 
swimming pool. It was sup- 
posed to encourage the tourists 
to rent rafts. It was a very popu- 
lar high school job." Suddenly. 
changing the subject, Christi 
confesses, "I took my earnings 
and bet pro football. Boy, was I 
pissed at the N.F s 
really cut down my income." 
Did Las Vegas have any other 
effect on Christina? “Of cours 
You grow up quickly in this 
town. I recall a road trip. My 
girlfriend and 1 bought some 
dirty magazines at the bus ter- 
minal. We sat in the back of the 


bus . . . she read the stories and I did the sound effects. Г guess you had to be there. Las Vegas is 
definitely ahead of its time. I visited my relatives in Denver and went to church. I heard some girls 
talking about Some Kind of Hero. There is this terrific hot scene where Margot Kidder makes love 
to Richard Pryor. She is оп top, making these incredible moves. These girls in church said to each 
other, ‘I didn’t even know you could do it that way.’ I had to leave the room.” Of her own sex life, 


We asked Christina for ideas for a picture story. "I see myself 
in a warm and cozy place, a. cabin. in the mountains sur- 
rounded by handmade blankets and a fireplace. Ouldoors in 
a meadow with fresh daisies and pine trees and cutoff shorts.” 


Below, Christina works on an 
old family quilt with her 
mother, Margaret. “Shes great. 
Td like to go into business with 
her, perhaps in fashion design.” 


105 


“Someone from ылувох called 
and said they wanted to take 
me to Martha's Vineyard. 1 
thought they were talking 
about a restaurant. For all of. 
my travels, Га never been to 
New England. It's 50 degrees 
in these pictures. That's cold!” 


Christina is discreet. “It was 
great the frst time and I 
couldn't wait for the second 
time. Beyond that, if you want 
to talk sexy, try the bathtub- 
and-candle scene in A Star Is 
Born. That is sexy. Гуе seen 
that movie six times. It's great 
foreplay.” You want to know 
about sexy, just follow Chris- 
tina around for a day. Thc 
waitress at breakfast com- 
plimented her on her beauty 
and asked if she had made her 
dress. The doorman volun- 
teered the comment that she 
was the bestlooking young 
woman he had seen in weeks. 
We asked if that were usual. 
“Do you want me to be honest? 
Actually, it’s a slow day. My 
girlfriend and 1 once walked 
down the Strip in Las Vegas 
and counted the number of 
times people honked horns at 
us—385 times. But you can't 
take this seriously. The only 
way to deal with it is not to deal 
with it. Nowadays, woman is a 
word that no one seems to be 
able to define. You can't think 
that being attractive makes you 
more or less of a woman. You 
have to define the word for 
yourself?” Christina is already 
planning that stage of her life: 
She is taking investment classes 
in a program offered by the 
Small Business Administration. 
She wants to go into business, 
perhaps with her mother. The 
moncy from being a Playmate 
will help, but Christina says 
that she didn't do it for the 
money. “I did it for a lark. For 
the test shots, we took a couple 
of bottles of champagne out 
into the desert. It didn't matter. 
if the pictures came out." But, 
as you can see here, they did. 


“It was the off-season. We stayed in this terrific little 
CER I had a whole floor to CARE The bedroom was 
autiful. If I had to decorate a bedroom, Га do it like 


that." If we had to decorate a bedroom, we'd do it like this. 


“What do 1 have to say about 
these pictures? Well, I've always 
enjoyed lying around naked with 
eight or ten people taking pic- 
tures. It was a fantasy come true. 
Just kidding. It was hard work.” 


“Т don't know what I expected. I 
had this fantasy that a Playmate 
just took off her clothes, someone 
took a few pictures and the piece 
appeared m the magazine. We 
worked for weeks on this shoot- 
ing. It wasn't like a vacation. I 
hope you like the results.” We do. 


PLAYMATE DATA SHEET 


u Ad Pag te 


rig ran ast urs: SS 
j 


LA 
m: SY WEIGHT: 405. E M 
BIRTH DATE: 3 —/ O ~6Yereruptace: 


AMBITIONS: 


PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES 


You mean you want twenty dollars for this arti- 
ficial vagina?" reacted the sex-shop customer. 
“Why, it's nothing more than a few cents’ worth 
of latex and a few dollars’ worth of vibrator!” 

“Let's just say,” shrugged the pleasure ped- 
dler, “that the hole can be greater than the sum 
of its parts.” 


The Religious Appendix to our Unabashed Dic- 
tionary defines Calvinism as the worship of de- 


signer jeans. 


P fx 


No, Harvey, no!” exclaimed the woman when 
her husband made a Saturday-afternoon sexual 
overture. "I had my hair done only this 
morning!” 

“You're as practical and as right as ever, 
Edna,” agreed Harvey. “There's absolutely no 
point in my ruining a ten-dollar hairdo for a two- 
buck piece of ass." 


Our Unabashed Dictionary defines gay naval 
officer as a reared admiral. 


Cried a young whacker off, “ГИ be crowned 
As the champ when the word gets around 
Гое convincingly showed 
That I’m first with my load! 
I can beat any jerk, pound for pound!” 


A practical-minded father was lecturing his stu- 
dious son on the necessity of getting to know and 
understand girls, so that he'd be prepared when 
the time came to think of marrying. “There's 
more to life, Johnny,” he concluded, “than 
burying your nose in some volume or other.” 

“1 realize that, Pop,” replied Johnny, “and 
you'll be happy to know that there's a cute little 
thing in one of my classes who I've just learned 
to read like a book!” 


Look, my specialty is live sex shows,” the porno 
producer snapped at the underhung auditioner, 
“not the theater of the absurd!” 


During a respite after a number of rounds of 
wedding-night activity, the apparently insatiable 
bride asked, “If І were to die tonight, dear, 
would you marry again?” 

“Not immediately, darling, not immediately,” 
groaned the bridegroom. 


Really macho dykes arc reputed to be employin, 
у macho dykes arc reputec ploying 
anew vibrating dildo with a kick starter. 


My, my, Congressman,” whispered the shapely 
young female voter. “I must say you have a very 
personal approach to pressing the flesh.” 


But my elderly aunt was considered a highly re- 
spectable spinster!” the society matron pro- 
tested. “Can't you find some way to cover up the 
shocking fact that she expired in bed while being 
simultaneously serviced by two paid studs?” 

“You just leave it to me, Mrs. Van Pelt,” 
soothed the police lieutenant. “What I’m going 
to put in my report is simply that she died at the 
stroke of two.” 


А symphonic musician named Dorn 
Was the target of audience scorn; 

For the hapless chap's pitch 

Had been queered by a bitch 
With the Frenching she'd given his horn. 


Our Unabashed Dictionary defines wandering 
guru as a high-planes drifter. 


| understand you had a blind date with a mod- 
el,” remarked the envious underclassman. “If 
you don't mind my asking, how did it turn out?" 

“How much can you enjoy an evening,” re- 
sponded the fraternity biggie dryly, “with some- 
опе who turns out to be the Flat Earth Society’s 
poster girl?" 


Disconcerted hospital administrators are sug- 
gesting that the presurgical pubic prepping of 
male patients be performed with a shaving foam 
other than Rise, 


Our Unabashed Dictionary defines loser as a 
guy to whom a hooker tells she has a headache. 


During World War Two, a quite high-ranking 
American officer was surprised by counter- 
intelligence agents while being fellated by а 
seductive female Axis spy. He was thercupon 
court-martialed on the charge of insertion in the 
face of the enemy. 


Heard a funny one lately? Send it on а post- 
card, please, to Party jokes Editor, PLAYBOY, 
Bldg., 919 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, 
Ш. 60611. $50 will be oi to the contributor 


whose card is selected. Jokes cannot be returned. 


“Goldang it, deputy, I asked you to round me up a little posse!” 


117 


PLAYBOY 


18 


(continued from page 82) 


“As I walked through the Gardens, 1 became another 
man and coveted the little queens for myself.” 


mean, She-Who-Is-True-of-Voice. 

“Usermare-Setpenere,” said Honey- 
Ball, “if I speak with clarity, it is because 
of the awe I know at the sounds of Your 
name.” 

The little queens murmured their 
assent. Their piety was added to the mist 
on the lake. To pronounce the many 
names of Usermare properly was said to 
be a power great enough to rock the earth. 

“That is good,” said Usermare. “I hope 
you always say My name with care. I 
would hate to cut off the toe of your other 
foot.” 

One of the little queens gasped so unex- 
pectedly she could be heard. The others 
ceased to laugh. Honey-Ball turned her 
head as if slapped. Still, she murmured, 
“Oh, Sesusi, I will become twice as fat.” 

“No bed in the House of the Secluded 

will then be strong enough to bear you,” 
He told her. 
Then there will be no bed,” she 
answered, and her eyes flashed again. I 
was much affected. The power of her pres- 
ence on this night was not like other occa- 
sions when she was merely fat and limped 
about on feet sore from her weight. 
Tonight, ensconced on a gold bench, for 
the golden chairs were much too narrow, 
she seemed massive, yet majestic as a 
Great Queen, at least in this hour. Cer- 
tainly, if the story told by Honey-Ball had 
immediate power over my Monarch, it was 
to arouse His desire. One could almost feel 
the glow of His belly. It rose in my great 
Pharaoh like a fire bencath the flame of 
Kolobi. The cunuchs began to chant. Their 
hands struck their thighs with many little 
taps in a rhythm so quick I could hear the 
chirping of the crickets and the hoofs of 
horses. One of these eunuchs even had a 
way of running his finger-tips over his 
knees with a slipping sound to give you the 
patter of a brook or the slap of the smallest 
waves. To this accompaniment came forth 
many moths and butterflies from the dark 
and they flew in and out of our ears as if we 
were water-grass and they as numerous as 
little fish. Honey-Ball began to hum, and 
her voice was so resonant that once again I 
could not recognize the woman I saw. 
Other times, she had seemed without 
shape in her clothes, yet from the moment 
she came out of the water tonight, her 
body looked firm, and she was not without 
beauty. Like some who are fat, her flesh 
was slack in dejection, but could fill with 
blood when she was happy. 

Tonight, she sang a ballad of the love of 
a farm girl for a shepherd, a sweet and in- 
nocent song, and Usermare drank kolobi to 
the sound of it and wiped His eyes. Like 


many powerful men, He liked to weep a 
little on hearing tender sentiments. But 
not for too long. Soon Honey-Ball sang the 
next verse. The melod: s the same but 
now the shepherd had no interest in the 
girl, and looked instead at the buttocks of 
his shcep, a wicked ballad. Honey-Ball 
began to cry out in the pleasurable cries of 
the beast as it was taken. “Oh,” she 
groaned in a voice to wake us all, “Oh,” 
and the air throbbed. 

Usermare was now ready. “Come,” He 
said to her. “You, Heqat, Nubty, Oasis!" 
With a voice that did not bother to conceal 
the heat of His slow fires on this night, He 
added, “Let it be at the house of Nubt: 
Then, as if'a thought had just come to His 
hand, like a dog licking His fingers, User- 
mare said, '“Menenhetet, you are to come 
with Me,” and Hc took my hand, and that 
way, we walked together. 


. 
T already knew that these hundred little 
queens did not always wait for an offering 
of pleasure from our divine Ramses, but 
sometimes ended by making love 10 each 
other. This discovery—true mark of the 
peasant—was objectionable to me, even if 
it should have been familiar. I grew up ina 
crowd of boys who were always on each 
other. Our expression for a powerful friend 
was He-Who-Is-on-My-Back. So as a boy, 
there was nothing I did not know of being 
on the others’ bodies, although my pride, 
since I was strong, had been that nobody 
was on mine. Sull I could not bear to 
think of these women with one another, 
nor the way by which the most powerful of 
the little queens often treated the gentler 
ones as if they were slaves. On those nights 
when His Chariot did not enter the Gates, 
and you would not hear the thunder of His 
fornication, there would rise up instead the 
sweeter cries and harsher screeches, the 
moans and music of many a woman in 
many a room, It was common whenever 
women were at such play that one would 
pluck a harp to accompany the others 
And I, hearing such sounds, could not, in 
my mind, forswear the sights. To see a lit- 
tle queen at the sweetmeat of another was 
to gorge my blood. But then I did not have 
the royal disregard of my Monarch. We all 
knew that He liked to watch His little 
queens romp with one another. “Oh, yes,” 
He would say, “they are the strings of My 
lute and must learn to quiver together.” 

1, however, used to think of this as part 
of the filth that rose on the flood, a pesti- 
lence. It seemed to me that for a woman to 
love another woman more than her Phar- 
aoh was equal to praying for the plague. 
So marched the legions of all those 


thoughts in me that were loyal to User- 
mare; but now as I walked through the 
Gardens with my hand in His, I became 
another man and was tolerant of their 
games and again I coveted the little 
queens for myself. 


. 

On this night, the little queen, Nubty, 
had a statue of Amon whose belly was no 
larger than my hand. Yet the staff that rose 
betwcen His golden legs was not hidden, 
no, to the contrary, it was half as long as 
the god Himself was high, and Uscrmare 
knelt before this little god, and raised His 
own hands as if to say that all of Him 
was in service to Amon. Then, He put His 
mouth around the gold member of Amon. 

“No man has ever penetrated My 
mouth,” said Usermare, “but I am happy 
to kiss the sword of the Hidden One, and 
know the taste of gold and rubies.” 
Indeed, on the tip of this gold member of 
the great God Amon, on the knob itself, 
wasa large ruby. 

Then, He rose, and Heqatand Oasis re- 
moved His neck plate and His skirt of 
linen. “Here, Meni,” He said to me, “pray 
to Me asif I am now the sword of the Hid- 
den One,” and His phallus was in my face, 
and 1 did not dare but to swallow it, and 
felt the flood of the Nile rise in Him. My 
head was bobbing like a boat and the little 
queens giggled as the heat of His kolobi 
rushed into my throat and down the inside 
of my chest. There, I have told you the 
worst, the first of the humiliations I was to 
know on this night before my Pharaoh. It 
is this that has delayed me, this which is 
difficult to tell. Yet now І feel as if a stone 
is lifted. So 1 will tell you the rest. For 
much was done. 

The little queens anointed Usermare. 
Tonight, as on other nights when I had not 
been there, He would sit like the God 
Amon, while the little queens would wipe 
all old cosmetic from His face and apply 
new rouge and сус shadow. They would 
take off His garments, and dress Him in 
fresh linen, then speak verses over the 
jewelry they laid on Him. Each piece re- 
moved was kissed by one of the lite 
queens, as well as each garment they re- 
placed. Since in those days I did not fully 
understand the difference between kissing 
and eating—which peasant could?—I 
thought they were making these small 
sounds with their lips to show that the 
taste of the linen of the Pharaoh was good. 

To my astonishment He gave Himself 
up to the little queens as if He were a 
woman. He lay on His back with His 
powerful thighs in the air, His knees fur- 
ther apart than the width of His great 
shoulders, and my hand was held in His 
with such force І could hardly have freed 

(continued on page 124) 


PILAYBOY”S SPRING AND 
SUMMER FASHION FORECAST 


off with the cold and on with what's new in warm-weather wear 


attire By DAVID PLATT нч rie ѕоммск winn comes blowing in soon, it’s going to bring 
with it the kind of tasteful, well-tailored looks that make good sense in this year of belt tightening and 
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Part of the fashion picture will consist of classic warm-weather fabrics, such as pin cord, seersucker and 
poplin, reconstructed in new cuts and colors. The other half of the story, of course, is how to combine 


Above: Croquet, onyone? Our guys game in o wool/silk/polyester herringbone double-breosted sports jacket with 
notch lapels and flop pockets, $210, wom over o multicolor cotton dress shirt with a medium-spread collar, $32, 
off-white cotton/linen slacks with belt loops, angled pockets ond stroight legs, $58, and o multicolor silk tie, $20, oll 
by Calvin Klein. (In cose you're wondering, thot massive wooden croquet mollet he's holding is port of a four-person 
set by the English company John Jacques. The set is available from Abercrombie & Fitch, Houston, $400.) 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY ULI ROSE 


13 


Right: Two for the open 
rood, ond this traveling 
men is looking well tailored 
in о polyester/silk/woo! her- 
ringbone suit with notch 
lopels ond double besom 
pockets, obout $280, multi- 
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both by Pierre Cordin; ond 
о striped silk tie, by Roost- 
er, about $18. Below: 
More horsepower ond more 
great summer threads, in- 
cluding o cotton golf jacket 
with controsting undercol- 
lor, obout $60, ond motch- 
ing slacks, $38.50, both 
from Chops by Rolph 
Lauren; ond o cotton boat- 
neck sweater with controst- 
ing neck trim, by Conrad 
Bell for Barry Brooks, $65. 


individual elements to create an over-all look that’s 
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exemplified in the Calvin Klein outfit (an oatmeal- 
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on a hot day. All in all, it makes for a long, hot sum- 
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Right: A beachside buss stop, and he's cooling it in а 
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a potierned cotton knit tie, by Henry Grethel, $13.50. 


e- 


[| = 


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121 


: Fast moves on the court with bird ond birdie—ond we like the clothes, too. They include 
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Above: Suede for summer, in the form of a 
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ond Lance Karesh. Below: The clossic comfort of 
a lightweight seersucker suit, about $350, that's 
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controsting collor, cbout $80, ond a navy-silk 
polko-dot tie, obout $35, all by Alan Flusser. 


8 
3 
$ 
5 
E 
ё 
E 
5 
$ 
$ 
8 
5 


three-quarter-length cotton jacket, 
by Christian Dior Monsieur Sport, 
$95; and cotton twill slacks, about 
$30, a cotton sweater, $70, and a 
knit sport shirt with contrasting collar 
and cuffs, $23, all by Boston Traders. 


PLAYBOY 


124 


(continued from page 118) 


“Т decided to seek the courage of madness and put 
myself in the bed of one of the litile queens.” 


myself. Yet that was only at the com- 
mencement. 

Toward the end, He held my hand softly 
and I could feel His pleasures as they 
swelled into Him out of the cunning 
mouths of the little queens; indeed, even 
now, I can tell you of all that was in User- 
mare as He grew ready to come forth. I 
was able to know Him in those moments 
as none who are not a Pharaoh can ever 
know so Good and Great a God. When the 
four little queens knelt before the great and 
beautiful body of Usermare, I came to 
know Him. Heqat had taken His feet in 
her mouth and licked between His toes like 
a silver snake that winds through golden 
roots, and Oasis, with the skill of long 
practice, had given light licks and long kiss- 
es to the sword of Usermare even as Nubty 
is ears and His nose and the lids 
is eyes with the tip of her tongue, yes, 
all of these caresses from Heqat, Oasis and 
Nubty passed through His fingers into me 
and I felt more beautiful than all the flow- 
ers in the Gardens of the Secluded and 
lived in the air of a rainbow while there He 
lay, legs apart, His knees bent. It was then 
that Honey-Ball brought her lips to that 
mouth of Usermare which lived between 
his buttocks and she kissed Him there, her 
tongue coming forth into His gates, and 
she knew the entrance to His passage. He 
lay there, and with my hand, I was with 
Him. So 1 knew what it was to be in the 
boat of Ra going up the river of the Duad 
in the Land of the Dead, and that was a 
wondrous place to see from such a boat, 
with serpents and scorpions at every turn, 
flames in the mouths of beasts more terri- 
ble than 1 had ever known, and Blessed 
Fields whose grass was sweet even in the 
night. Usermare floated through the Land 
of the Dead and saw the sun and the moon 
as His cousins. Then the river began to 
rise into the ruby of His sword there in the 
sweet lips of Oasis, and I heard Him 


shout, “I am, I am all that will be," and ` 


even as the women cried out, He came 
forth and the ghost of the kolobi was like a 
fire with red and emerald light in me. 

So did I come forth at His side, all the 
powers of His own rising having surged 
through His fingers into mine, but then my 
coming forth was blasted back as if | knew 
that soon I would be owned from mouth to 
anus, the great Monarch soon to com- 
mand the two ends of the river that ran 
through me, and it was true, for Usermare 
was now ready to stand forth as a man and 
He was interested in none of the mouths 
that lived between the thighs of His four 
little queens, but took my poor anus in- 


stead and before the women, made a 
woman of me. “Aiiigh, Kazama,” they 
cried with many giggles, and it was then I 
learned that Kazama was their name for 
me. Slave Driver was the thought they 
held when they spoke the name to each 
other, but now the slave driver had be- 
come the slave. “Aiiigh, Kazama,” they 
cried in their laughter. But I did not. 
Holding His hand, I had lived in the wa- 
ters of paradise. Not so with His sword. 
‘That gave me no vision. I swore that this 
was the last time He penetrated my bowels 
even if He cut off all I had and left me in 
the compound of the eunuchs. 
. 

If I remember the night was without a 
moon when I left the house of Nubty and, 
to my unhappy eyes, as dark as the most 
awful of my thoughts. I could think of 
nothing but my shame. It was then I took 
a second vow. Shame, like any other 
poison, needs its own outrageous cure. T 
decided to seek the courage of madness it- 
self and put myself in the bed of one of the 
little queens. 

It was bravery itself to breathe twice on 
one thought such as this. For it is on the 
second breath that others hear what you 
think. Yet I knew I must speak the vow 
clearly. So I told myself, but I was certain 
every house in the Gardens of the Secluded 
would awaken. Then I began to think of 
Honcy-Ball. Out of the breasts of that 
round woman rose a tenderness for me 
that was like the rise of the river when the 
earth is dry. 

Let me not speak of the days it took until 
I made my first visit, nor of cach fear I 
managed to conquer only to lose my foot- 
ing on the next fear. All such tales are the 
same. On a night when Usermare did not 
visit the Gardens of the Secluded, I pre- 
sented myself at her door. Although on 
that visit I did not even try to sit beside 
her, I asked on leaving if I could come 
tomorrow, and she led me out to a tree by 
her own garden wall over whose branches 
I might climb. That way I could enter 
without awakening her eunuchs, when I 
nodded she put her hand to my neck and 
rubbed it slowly, and a strength came to 
me from her plump fingers. 

After I left, I could not sleep again. In 
the night, the power of her attraction was 
upon me. [ had never liked women so 
heavy as herself, and yet the thought of 
such plumpness stirred like a sweet wind 
in my belly. 

So I got up and walked through the 
Gardens, and climbed the tree outside her 
wall, crossed the branch and dropped 


within. She was waiting for me, but I fell 
into her arms with such fear that my sword 
was like a mousc. She felt larger than the 
carth. 1 thought I embraced a mountain. 
On that night, I did not have the strength 
to enter a lamb. The kle drawn forth. 
from me had none of the serpent’s flame or 
the radiance of Ra, I flew on the wings of 
no bird, but was dragged out of myself, 
and, indeed, she pulled me forth, her hand 
plucking me up and down until the waters 
were lifted to the end of my belly and 
beyond. I knew what it was to go forth in 
fear. 1 did not even feel shame when we 
were done, but much relief. Soon I could 
be gone. 

She was not in the same haste, however, 
to sce me leave. By my side, she gave a 
heavy sigh, heavy as the shadow of a large 
bird when it crosses your shadow, and 
said, “I will lead you out to the tree.” 
Instead, we passed into a room that had 
many odors from the powders of beasts 
and animals long dead, and in a corner by 
aniche, was a small bowl of alabaster with 
oil in it, and a burning wick. By its light, 
she took three fingers of powder from ајаг, 
stirred that in wine, drank half and gave 
me the other half. 1 knew a taste older than 
a coffin. 

She laughed at my face. It was a laugh 
loud enough to wake others, but she put a. 
heavy hand on my shoulders, as if to tell 
me that her servants would not be sur- 
prised by any noise she might make in the 
night, and I knew, since she was speaking 
to me with barely a word, that the drink 
we had taken together was a bridge from 
her throat to mine. Over it would pass my 
thoughts. 

Indeed, my nose told me as quickly of 
little sacrifices performed in here. I could 
sniff the old blood of many a small animal 
who had given up its last fears on her altar. 
Then I knew that the powder in this wine 
must have come from the dung bectle, 
pounded, sifted, then altered by words of 
power, for why else would I think of it? We 
are so in awe of that beetle’s strength, 
which can push balls of dung much larger 
than itself up a riverbank, that we do not 
study its subtler habits. But I, as a boy, 
had spent many afternoons on the river 
with no more for amusement than the bee- 
tles to watch, and I had seen them push 
the ball up the bank to the hole where they 
would bury it. That dung would serve as 
food for the eggs laid within. Yet if you 
confused two beetles and changed their 
balls, they still strained to the task and did 
it for the other's eggs. I tell you this 
because I understood, standing next to 
Honey-Ball, that she had been putting our 
purposes together and mixing our 
thoughts. Before I left on this night, as if 
she would own more of me than Usermare 
did, she cut off the ends of my fingernails 
with a sharp little knife, collected these 
parings and minced them small with her 

(continued on page 162) 


ILLUSTRATION BY WILL NELSON 


Lale 
ULTIMATE 
ОЕТ 


article Ву МАРК КРАМ 


ALBERTO SALAZAR was near death. 
That sounded a bit melodramat- 
ic, even for athletes, whose lives 
can often seem like B movies. But 
the rumor persisted as hundreds 
lingered in the cavernous 
Prudential Center after last 
April's Boston Marathon. There 
was just this morbid buzz, the 
kind of grim expectancy that fol- 
lows the classic moments of 
athletic horror: the scythed mata- 
dor; the driver flipped on a turn; 
the fighter who can't be revived; 
the hitter who takes a 95-mile-an- 
hour fastball in the ear. 

By its nature, the marathon 
bears no relation to blood sport. 
Yet Salazar, the runner with the 
whiplike body of a cursorial 
animal, had spit in the eye of 
danger, had made an offering to 
the mythical figure of Ulysses, 
the archetype of exploit who can 
never abide a leash, or even 
death, and who refuses to be 
driven about by the whims of 
gods. He drives himself. 

In Boston, Salazar had taken all 
his craft into the unknown, ever- 
changing algebra of time, mind, 
body and weather. He had fought 
off a ferocious, draining chal- 
lenge by Dick Beardsley, who lost 
by a couple of strides, and he 
finished (continued on page 128) 


how fast can a 

man run? how high 
and far can he 
jump? as drugs and 
technology help him 
flirt with absolute 
limits, does an athlete 
become something 
more—or less— 

than human? 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD IZUI 


PERSONAL BEST 


luxurious and 
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for the man of taste 


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Brass shaving mirror made in England circa 1850, from James Il Galleries, $375. 


127 


PLAYBOY 


ULTIMATE ATElLET 


(continued from page 125) 


“The real labs for limits are world competitions, 
where the dice of mind and body are thrown." 


by setting a new course record of 2:08.51. 
Salazar had been there before, escaping 
without trouble when he set a world record 
(2:08.13) at the New York Marathon a few 
months earlier. Even so, no two marathons 
are ever the same, and now the bright sun, 
low humidity and crisp breeze along the 
26-mile, 385-yard course had cunningly 
lured him over a metabolic edge—then 
swacked him. By the time he was helped to 
his recovery cot, he was in a whirlpool of 
dark trouble. 

Salazar had, once more, gone nose to 
nose with the limits. While his father 
talked about how his driven son might one 
day kill himself, the greatest long-distance 
runner of our time was being intrave- 
nously fed a dextrose-and-sodium-chloride 
solution for dehydration. His eyes were 
vacant, his black hair soaked, his body 
trembling and his legs paralyzed with 
cramps. The attending physician recorded 
his body temperature at 88 degrees; you 
can't go closer to hell and get back. 

5 

Who among us has never asked himself: 
What on carth am I doing here? The men 
who climb mountains have always asked 
that question, and so do athletes like Sala- 
zar, who prepare to take their bodies and 
minds to new extremes. But where are the 
limits? How fast can a man run? How high 
and far can he jump? Is there a limi 
what muscles can endure under stres: 
there a point when the skeletal structure 
must collapse, when the cardiovascular 
system might sigh? 

Human beings have spent their entire 
history trying to conquer a triad of limita- 
tions imposed on them by fate, by God or 
by sheer biological accident. The late 
psychoanalyst Robert Lindner. conceived 
of human limits as an iron triangle com- 
posed of the medium in which we must 
live, the equipment we have or can fashion 
with which to live and the relentless fact of 
our mortality; those three sides form a 
prison cell. 

Like so many before him, Salazar, in his 
own way, had flung himself against the 
triangle, spending thrce and a half quarts 
of fluid and all his will for a race and a rec- 
ord. Why he punished himself—indeed, 
had been doing so for some time—seems 
incidental compared with tlic side of hu- 
man character that he so typifies: those 
who have always traveled the blade of 
limits, the species that wants no part of a 
prison cell. 

Personal glory and obsession aside, their 
lashing at the bars is an attack on mortal- 
y. The Greek poet Homer did his best 


to clarify that drive with his story of 
Odysscus. Ever since, men have sought 
the limits on the crags of mountains, in the 
dark of ocean depths or in the loneliness of 
a singlehanded vessel at sea. The Ulysses 
factor is what it was called by J-R.L. 
Anderson, who first applied it to such 
explorers and adventurers as Sir Robert 
Scott. Ulysses implies that there is some 
factor in man, some form of special 
adaptation, that prompts a few individuals 
to exploits that may seem purposeless but 
are ultimately of value to the survival of. 
the race, Desire and incomparable will 
lead a compendium of qual essential to 
such individuals. 

‘Though less romantic than the iron men 
of whom Anderson wrote, the modern 
athlete who reaches for the limits com- 
munes with his own sense of adventure: 
How far can a mind and body under stress 
and pain be pushed? The results are best 
measured in the pure sports that pit man 
against himself, and they come in the form 
of records, which hang for an instant, then 
get lost amid the swamp of agate type in 
books for trivialists and statistics collec- 
tors. The figures mark only the perimeter 
of the limits, not the gritty core of the 
assaults—the interminable hours of pain- 
ful training, those moments of disbelief, 
that shock of recognition of the physio- 
logical leap forward 

Numbers are inadequate in the burning 
light of Bob Beamon’s long jump of 
29'29" in the Mexico City Olympics of 
1968. In an event whose records had been 
chipped away only in small fractions over 
the years, Beamon surpassed the previous 
limit, the world record, by almost two feet. 
It was a physical achievement so stunni 
that analysis failed, leaving only slack jaws 
and poised pencils, How can numbers 
reflect the desire behind the steady erosion 
of marathon records, first by Bill Rodgers, 
now by Salazar, until the two-hour 
marathon may be seen before the turn of 
the century? 

It may be scen, yes, but only through a 
Palomar telescope, an educated body of 
dissenters say. Still, there are those who 
lean toward William Blake’s words: 
“What is now proved was once only 
imagined.” Those words fiom the !8th 
Century have since been repeatedly sup- 
ported and often in sports—by Roger Ban- 
nister’s dramatic bench-mark mile of four 
minutes (a theretofore-much-derided pros- 
pect), for example, and more recently by 
the stirring international duels between 
milers Steve Ovett and Sebastian Coc, 
who seemed as if they were going to stomp 


g 


the event into shards. 

Salazar, for one, is clearly of Blake’s per- 
suasion. By the ycar 2050, he told Runner 
World magazine, there would be a two- 
hour marathon. Ifhe is right, how is it that 
we have come so far in the marathon and 
the mile, reached the point that would 
hardly have seemed possible as recently as 
1965? Trying to hook up the intricate 
connections, big and small, is like trying 
to locate our precise breakout toward the 
moon landing. Did putting a man on 
the moon become a real possibility when 
the Wright brothers lifted of at Kitty 
Hawk or when Wernher von Braun began 
work on the German V-2 rocket? 

The evolution of the new disciplines of 
biomechanics and sports biochemistry, as 
well as the sheer numbers of people newly 
aware of fitness, is at the fulcrum of athlet- 
ic progress. The marathon—and jogging 
for health—led the way and seemed to 
create an atmosphere that detonated 
research. The age of the sports laboratory, 
of athletic enlightenment, was upon us. 

Ovett and Coe appear to have fastened 
attention and sharpened focus on human 
limits ata time when Americans have never 
before been so preoccupied with their 
bodies. People seem angry at death and 
look expectantly toward medical technolo- 
gy while at the same time being apprehen- 
sive about the ominous dawn of the robotic 
age. Records used to fascinate, then fade. 
But пом with the advent of sports medi- 
cine and  biomechanics—the break- 
throughs support those who take for 
granted that perfectibility of the human 
body is out there waiting for the right gen- 
eration to inherit or to seize it. 

Questions provoke only other questions 
If Mark Spitz, who took a gold medal in the 
100-meter freestylein Munich in 1972, were 
still swimming at the same pace today, 
he could not even qualify for the Olympics 
in that event. How, in just 11 years, has a 
superman apparently become a relic? 

To find the answers, scientists all over 
the world are experimenting in labs full of 
strong young men and women, gazing at 
muscle tissuc, poking at conformation and 
examining the physiological mechanisms of 
those athletes who convert food into energy 
better than others—a vital element of 
physical excellence. Given the unpredict- 
able nature of athletic contests and the 
caution of science, answers tend to resist 
concrete form. “The real labs for limits," 
says Dr. Ernst Jokl of the University of 
Kentucky, “are world competitions.” That 
is where the dice of body and mind are 
thrown. 

Yet there can be no doubt that a great 
deal of knowledge from sports science has 
helped world-class athletes get where they 
are today. For one thing, the labs have 
yielded useful information about muscles 
and how they function. 

Pre-eminent as а human-performance 

(continued on page 194) 


leaders ponder the economic situation, more and more of chronicle the histories of small towns, states and rivers. 


DEPRESSIONS JUST AREN'T what they used to be. As our wise 30,000 other projects. Artists and academics were hired to 
them agree that the idea of putting some of the nation's A The Pennsylvania Railroad was electrified. Two million 


12,000,000 unemployed to work in youths planted 200,000,000 trees. A 
a new version of Franklin D. mammoth ski lodge was built on 
Roosevelt's Works Progress Admin- Mount Hood. And a new definition 
istration is virtually irresistible. was added to the English language 
But when those advocates of a new by irate editorial writers after a 
WPA get specific, they tend to men- handicraft teacher testified that he'd 
tion such uninspiring jobs as filling been spending Government money 
potholes and cleaning sewers to teach unemployed men how to 

During the original WPA era, produce woven belts, baskets and 


millions went to work on loftier other handmade items known as 
tasks: building Hoover Dam, Fort boondoggles. 


Knox, the Lincoln Tunnel and 


Surely, we can do no less. 


EIGHTIES 


humor By JOHN TIERNE 


RAKE UP, AMERICA! CAMPAIGN 


Background: The President, while rightly concerned about severe air pollution caused by trees, has ignored an even deadlier 
menace: the hazardous wastes spewed daily onto the forest floors. These leaves, as they are known in ecological jargon, release chemi- 
cal odors into the air, are highly flammable and constitute a national eyesore. No homeowner would allow them in his yard. 

Proposal: Annual Rake-off in all national parks and forests. Equipment to cost 9.95 billion dollars (for one billion Sears rakes or 
one very large "smart rake” from the Pentagon). Long-term savings possible with conversion to Astroturf and vacuum cleaners. 


129 


MASTERPIECE HIGHWAY PROGRAM 


Background: Engineers have calculated that if the unused median strip on just one 
highway, Interstate 80, were laid end to end, it would stretch from Coast to Coast. Yet 
this and the rest of America’s vast reserve of median strips have been sadly wasted. The 
only serious attempt to use this valuable real estate—the New Jersey Tumpike's Vince 
Lombardi Car Wash and Wildlife Sanctuary—is generally conceded to be a failure. 

Proposal: The Drive for Literature, a succession of Burma-Shave-style billboards 
spaced every 50 feet, to forcibly introduce every driver to America’s classics. Major 
works will appear on interstate highways (fiction on east-west routes, nonfiction on 
north-south), with footnotes confined to rest areas. Short stories and works of local in- 
terest will be on state highways. Passing out The Story So Far booklets at entrance ramps 
should heighten new drivers’ interest and minimize confusion over characters who last 
appeared 650 miles before. Some writing (the anatomy chapters in Moby Dick, perhaps, 
and all of Henry James’s late work) will have to be omitted to minimize the danger of 
driver fatigue. 


STATE IDENTITY ENHANCEMENT PROGRAM 


Proposal: Paint each state a different color. Hues to be allocated by the Attorney 
General, in consultation with Rand McNally & Company, to meet goals of improving 
aviation navigation, demonstrating commitment to the New Federalism, increasing 
public interest in Landsat satellite photographs and provid- 
ing new employment opportunities for adolescent 
artists of the New York City subway system. 


Background: “Despite generous Federal 
programs, including the controversial 
ceiling-fan subsidies in the Omnibus Fern 
Bar Act, the fact remains that each night, 
at least 87,000,000 Americans go to bed 
horny.” So warns the President's Task 
Force on Personal Lifestyles, which esti- 
mates that 17,000,000 of these people enjoy 
being horny and another 15,000,000 de- 
serve to be. “But this leaves a sizable re- 
mainder,” notes the panel, “who, when 
the lights are out at one aat, would settle 
for any body capable of bipedal locomo- 
tion and heavy breathing.” 

Proposal: A national late-night telephone 
hotline, computer matching network and 
van service to bring anonymous partners 
together under the cloak of darkness. 

Additional option: To encourage par- 
ticipation, arrange for President to deliver 
late-night radio bedside chats. 


II WANTYOU| 


TUXES FOR TOTS PROGRAM 


Background: Despite the pleas of gar- 
mentindustry officials, previous Adminis- 
trations have ignored repeated studies 
showing that tuxedo owners are between 
five and 27 times less likely to become un- 
employed than nonowners or renters. 

Proposal: Establishment of Neighbor- 
hood Formal Clinics to offer etiquette in- 
struction and grant a basic tuxedo to every 
child entering first grade, as well as to any 
adult classified as “truly seedy.” 

Additional option: Eveningwear Police 
with powers to arrest disturbers of public 
taste (such as wearers of white dinner jack- 
ets before Memorial Day) and shoot own- 
ers of ruffled salmon shirts. 


NATIONAL COUNCIL TO 
PREVENT BOREDOM 


Proposal: Establish agency to investi- 
gate dubious stories told in taverns or at 
dinner parties, with authority to force fab- 
ricators to sit next to one another. Agency 
will have access to all Americans’ financial 
and academic records, golf scores and ana- 
tomical measurements. Research staff will 
be asked to determine such issues a: 

* the complete crew roster of PT 10 


«the maximum number of human 
orgasms possible in one night; 

"ihe current occupation of Eddie 
Haskel 


e the meaning of the stars on PLAYHOY's 
cover; 

*the names of all insurance salesmen 
who turned down offers from professional 
sports teams; 

* the possibility of inventing a light bulb 
that lasts forever; 

+ the holders of shares of Xerox іп 1962; 

* the actual gasoline mileage of every 
foreign car; 

* the effect of a microwave oven on a wet 
poodle. 

Additional options: Operate a hotline to 
supply forgotten joke punch lines; hire 
police to enforce a ban on all discussions of 
personal activities on November 22, 1963. 


GLACIER DEFENSE AGENCY 


Background: A new ice age could send 
glaciers back across the Northern United 
States, altering terrain and rendering cur- 
rent lake-front property worthless 

Proposal: The Great Wall of Duluth, a 
500-foot-high barrier spanning the North- 
ern United States. 

Additional option: Incorporate 400-foot 
Window of Vulnerability in the wall, to be 
‘opened and closed in accordance with na- 
tion’s defense posture. (Pentagon analysts 
believe there is a possibility that during a 
nuclear war, the Soviet Union would be 
sufficiently confused to target all missiles 
at the open window.) 


: Require all cit 

ips on sidewalks to atc re- 
moval of pet wastes and encourage moni- 
toring of summer temperatures. 


EARTHOUAKE PREVENTION PROJECT 


Proposal: Insertion of 60-mile-long screws to anchor tectonic plates and stop con- 
tinents from drifting. Aside from preventing tremors along the San Andreas Fault, 
the action will stop the dangerous sliding of United States territory toward Asia. “With 
Russia and China as neighbors,” the International Stop Continental Drift Society has 
wamed, “it would be difficult to stop Communists from infiltrating our country, joining 
our country clubs and marrying our sisters.” 


LEOPOLDO GALTIERI INSTITUTE OF MANHOOD 


Background: No Government. programs, not even the ones outlined. above, are 
guaranteed to end a depression. 

Proposal: An educational institution to train au elite corps rcady to pull America 
out of this depression the same way it got out of the last one: by going to war. 


131 


20 QUESTIONS: AL McGUIRE 


the guru of college roundball waxes eloquent on greed's place in 
sports, the importance of the neighborhood saloon and why couples 
need to be apart to stay together 


l McGuire finished his 20 years of college- 

basketball coaching by leading the 
Marquette Warriors to the N.C.A.A. cham- 
pionship in 1977. Now, at 54, he's the busiest 
one-man media conglomerate in sports. In 
addition to his uniquely colorful courtside 
philosophizing on NBC's. televised college 
games, he hosts the weekly “Al McGuire 
OnSports” magazine series on that network, 
handles a daily syndicated radio show and 
even moonlighis as a sports reporter for “En- 
tertainment Tonight.” 

Bill Zehme caught up with McGuire in 
Chicago and followed him through a day of 
segment laping for “OnSports.” Zehme re- 
ports: “The coach doesn’t waste any time in 
Letting you know who's in charge. He decided 
to take the wheel of my Toyota and drive to a 
taping sie while I asked the questions. He 
proceeded to lock the transmission into third 
gear on the expressway as his mouth raced 
along in overdrive. Later, he confided to me 
that he believes that all successful people have 
holes in their underwear. If that’s the case, his 
must be in tatters by now.” 


PLAYBOY: You once claimed that extremely 
intelligent people don’t make exceptional 
athletes. Is education at odds with phys- 
ical prowess? 

MCGUIRE: No. Athletes are smarter than 
the eggheads—but it’s a different type of 
smartness. The more academically sound 
an athlete is, the more he’s apt to know the 
pressures of a particular game situation. If 
you put a Rhodes scholar on the foul line 
with the score tied and with five seconds to 
go, he couldn’t get the ball over his 
shoulder. 

An athlete’s intelligence is one that soci- 
ety does not accept, because it’s not the 
norm. The guys with street intelligence 
have gone through high-pressure experi- 
ences many times. For them, it’s a flow. 


2. 


PLAYBOY: Is basketball still the best way out 
of the ghetto? 

MCGUIRE: No, basketball hurts the black 
race. It puts a veil or a cataract or mucus 
in front of all those hundreds of thousands 
of little black boys and girls thinking that 
their world is the hoops. But only one out 
of 25,000 will ever become a pro. It gets 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD FEGLEY 


handled backward. Blacks truly have gov- 
erned only poverty and basketball. And 
basketball has become an afterburner for a 
very, very small percentage of them. By 
being glamorized so much, it leads a lot of 
young black people into a dreamworld 
that will crush them. They end up in 
tapioca. 


3. 


PLAYBOY: Why are blacks better basketball 
players? 

MCGUIRE: Because they play. Their ncigh- 
borhoods are usually one-sport oriented. 
Basketball is a city game. It’s inexpensive. 
It can be played all year round. There isn't 
any difference in the natural ability; it’s 
the specializing. Every time you ride by a 
blacktop, you'll see black guys out there 
playing. If the weather is right and the 
time is right, then you may see some white 
guys. But if it's a little chilly or uncomfort- 
able, the white guys are not there. They 
have too many other things to do. 


4. 


PLAYBOY: Is greed ruining sports? 

MCGUIRE No, because greed is human. Ev- 
erybody wants more. That's what America 
is all about. Very seldom do you hear any- 
one say, “I have everything I want.” 
Moses Malone breaks through the sound 
barrier and it doesn't take morc than six 
months before 15 or 20 more follow. Be- 
cause no matter what a Malone or Magic 


Johnson gets, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is 


worth twice that. 

The dollars are there for most sports but 
not for basketball. In basketball, the own- 
ers are ego-oriented. They like to smoke 
their cigars and walk around the arena 
and talk about “my boys." They don't run 
their teams as a business. Usually, the dol- 
lars involved are family dollars or dollars 
from another business. The sport is the 
owners’ mistress. It’s something exciting 
that they run to, something that quivers. 
The little redheaded guy in the corner may 
be a multimillionaire and he may be run- 
ning four shoe factories, but who knows 
him? Now, all of sudden, this guy has 
$30,000,000 and he wants someone to 
blow smoke rings at him, He wants some- 
one to hug him and feed him eggplants. 
The guy says, “Hey, how can I get this?” 


‘The only way is to own a pro team. So he 
parlays a tax write-off, buys a pro team 
and, suddenly, he has an identity. 

You know, it’s very lonely to be an ex- 
tremely wealthy person and have nobody 
pay homage to you. It’s like getting off a 
private jet: It always lands at a side hang- 
ar and there’s nobody there to greet you. 
What good would it be to date Jacqueline 
Onassis if no one saw you? That’s why 
owners like to stand up in their private 
boxes through the whole game. They don’t 
sit down, because if they do, no one can 
take their picture. 


5. 


PLAYBOY: What's your feeling about putting 
college players on a payroll? Would that 
wipe out under-the-table recruiting 
abuses? 

MCGUIRE: No, it would create bigger prob- 
lems than there are now. More often than. 
not, the college athlete would have to pay 
the school, because there's no money. See, 
everyone looks at the top 40 or 50 schools. 
When you hear about something going 
wrong in recruiting, it’s always about a 
coach in the top 30, a coach who has ev- 
erything. He is not recruiting, he's select- 
ing. The tradition of the school is there, 
whether it’s the University of Nebraska or 
Virginia or UCLA. But if you start nam- 
ing the Loyolas, the Northern Michigans, 
the Bowling Greens—hey, they count ev- 
ery sweat sock and every jockstrap; they’re 
playing in the minus pool with finances 
and recruiting. 

Solving recruiting-abuse problems is 
very casy: The president of the university 
says, “Thou shalt not cheat. If you cheat, 
you will be fired.” That’s all. 


6. 


PLAYBOY: 
today? 

MCGUIRE: Two percent would be a lot. 
You're always going to have a percentage 
of people who go beyond the rules. 1 don't 
care what it is, religion or sex, it’s always 
two percent. In the collegiate world, the 
cheating becomes a crutch for the coaches 
who are losing. They always say, “If I 
cheated, Га be winning.” So the public 
forms the opinion that 50 percent of the 
schools are cheating, and it's not true. You 


How widespread is cheating 


133 


PLAYROY 


134 


find, in fact, that when they get down 
to investigate, there'll be five schools on. 
probation. When you put the numbers 
into your computer, you'll find out that it's 
two percent. "That's all it ever is. 

Remember, you're dealing with a 17- 
and-a-half.year-old ^ ballplayer when 
you're recruiting. Who the hell would put 
his life on the line and trust a 17-and-a- 
half-year-old kid? 


7. 


PLAYBOY: Would we be safe in saying that 
not much under-the-table business went 
on while you were at Marquette, then? 
MCGUIRE: Everyone would like to think 
that it went on, but no. My guys got de- 
grees. I’m not saying that they were Ein- 
steins; they were marginal students. But 
every ballplayer who ever touched me has 
moved up his station in life. And the play- 
ers moved up my station. No school ever 
made a Rhodes scholar; they're born. You 
can't show me a coach who has made an 
all-American. God makes those. 


8. 


PLAYBOY: Does God have a place in the 
locker room? 

MCGUIRE: Гус never had that question 
asked of me before. Yeah, I think He's 
there. If there weren't a God, those guys 
wouldn't be in there. Other people can't 
do what they can do, just in terms of their 
abilities, their talents and ballerina moves. 
At Marquette, which is a Catholic school, 
we always said a pregame prayer in the 
locker room and a priest always travelcd 
with us. As long as my players believed in 
something, I didn't care. I've had a hard 
enough job saving myself. I can't save any- 


body else. 


9; 


praveov: Fans will always remember you 
weeping on the bench as Marquette 
clinched the 1977 N.C.A.A. championship. 
That moment might have been a water- 
shed in the new age of male sensitivity. 
How do you feel about men's crying? 
MCGUIRE: Well, you'd rather cry alone. It 
was a thing pent up after all the years of 
my jerking around in sports. lt was prob- 
ably a million-dollar cry. I think it 
changed how 1 was perceived by a lot of 
people throughout the country. But I was 
never ashamed of my emotions. Coaches 
usually show emotion. Some don't. The 
ones who don't, end up with ulcers, 


10. 


PLAYBOY: In terms of levels of emotional 
satisfaction, what's the difference between 
winning over the other team and slaugh- 
tering them? 

MCGUIRE: Amateur coaches—those who 
are not of quality and who aren't going to 
stand the test of time—believe in burying 
opponents. They believe in winning а foot- 
ball game 40 to nothing or in winning a 


basketball game by 34 points. You're 
obviously gladiating, but you're not look- 
ing 10 cost someone else his job. Coaches 
are your brothers; you help one another. 
So a coach who tries to bury someone 
doesn’t belong in the profession and won't 
have a long stay He doesn’t under- 
stand that coaching is a profession, not a 
hobby. 

1 personally would never involve myself 
and another coach in a vendetta. It's not 
worth it. All I wanted was to get a W. Dur- 
ing time-outs, I would say, "Win, for 
Christ’s sake! Win! What are you jerking 
around for?" I was not a physical coach. I 
worked on your mind, not your body. Рео- 
ple who are tough in the head are cham- 
pions. Losers learn by losing and winners 
learn by winning. I never said a word to 
my team after a loss. I just left them alone. 
Гуе never given an excuse and I've never 
accepted an excuse. It’s important to win, 
because someone is keeping score, But as 
far as being realistic goes, the only impor- 
tant things in life to win are surgery and 
war. 


nu. 


PLAYBOY: Now that your coaching days are 
presumably over, you don't have as much 
at stake. What gets your blood up these 
days? 

MCGUIRE: It gets me up to go into 
Bloomington or South Bend or Lexington, 
where each town tries to prove that it's the 
basketball capital of the country. They'll 
Windex the backboards, and the cheer- 
leaders have had their hair in curlers all 
night and they press their outfits. And the 
bands get me up. And, to be honest with 
you, the cheerleaders kind of turn me on, 
too. But if my wife is in the audience, I 
don't look at them. 


12. 


PLAYBOY: Who has the best cheerleaders in 
the N.C.A.A.2 

MCGUIRE: As a group and as a rhythm, the 
UCLA Bruins have a lot of true keepers 
out there. They remind me of that old 
country song that goes, “You know I'm not 
that strong when you shake that thing.” 
To me, even the worst college cheerleader 
is better than the best pro cheerleader. The 
pro cheerleaders put on a little too much 
rouge and seem to have too many places 
where you can hang your hat. But in col- 
lege, they just seem to be turned on. It 
seems to be a legitimate, genuine concern. 
They don't seem to be looking for the red 
light on the camera. 


13. 


PLAYBOY: A lot of viewers think you're full 
of it and don't hesitate to say so. How does. 
Al McGuire answer to the charge? 

MCGUIRE: Well, I am full of buffalo chips, 
but I know it. Which makes me much 
further advanced than the ones who are 
and don't realize it. At least, I know I'm a 


ham. But I enjoy it. The only thing is, 
when I'm with more than four people at a 
time, I think I should be paid. 


M. 


PLAYBOY: Did tending bar at the McGuire 
family’s tavern in Queens early in life 
prepare you for the kind of on-mike shirt- 
sleeve psychoanalyzing in which you spe- 
cialize now? 

MCGUIRE: Yeah, but I didn’t know it at the 
time. I used to think that I was going to be 
a bartender for the rest of my life. I was 
even learning how to clip out of the regis- 
ter, which means take some money out for 
yourself. I didn’t realize that I was being 
educated, that this was equal to a schol- 
arship to Princeton. As a nighttime bar- 
tender, you learn to judge people very, 
very quickly. You can feel a room and 
know who the shysters are and who the 
hookers are. You know who the phonies 
are and who the sincere people are. You 
learn not to rate people if their name is 
Gabor or Shalakis, or if they wear a cap, or 
if they slur, or if they spill a drink. You 
learn to know what the devil it’s all 
about—and it’s not the cloth napkins and 
the limos. 

A bar в a clearinghouse. People open up 
there. You never go into a bar where peo- 
ple are postdating memos. They're usually 
exchanging and sometimes there's sad- 
ness, but there's still an exchange. There is 
а nice feeling at two in the morning to scc a 
beer sign. It's somewhere you can place a 
bet or have an affair or play a jukebox or 
whatever. Of all the places 1 know on 
earth, it seems to be the most wholesome. 
You're not walking into anything that you 
have to prep yourself for. When you go in, 
you know what's there and what's ex- 
pected of you. If you want to join in, you 
can. If you want to slip down to the end of 
the bar and cry in your beer, you can do 
that, too. 

I never got into this before, but I hope 
the neighborhood saloon never leaves us. 
It’s something like the porch on a house. 
But there are no more porches. 


15. 


rLAYEOY: You've been married for nearly 32 
years, What's your secret to making it last? 
мссілке: Being separate. I don’t under- 
stand the doctor and the nurse who go to 
work together. I don't understand that 
type of love. I didn’t marry to have a body- 
guard. I married for a companion. My 
wife has her life and she enjoys it, We en- 
joy our time together. But when I retired a 
few years ago, I thought I'd do my wife a 
favor by hanging around the house. 1 
didn’t realize that 1 was on her turf and 
that she needed those four, five, six hours 
for whatever she did. So now, once that 
guy from Notre Dame comes on, the guy 
who does the interviews—Phil Donahue— 

(concluded on page 214) 


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PHOTOGRAPHY BY 
POMPEO POSAR 


YOUVE HAD this dream in th 
of your mind: a tall, dark woman, 
her face half hidden in the folds of 
a black-lace mantilla; a mysterious 
promise in smoldering eyes. But 
there are several obstacles be- 
tween you: a stone courtyard wall 
breached only by a wrought-iron 
gate, heavily padlocked; a stocky, 
dour duenna swathed in shapeless 
black; a stern father who suddenly 
snatches a gleaming Toledo blade 
iom its sheath. 

and smell the café, fel- 
la. The ladies of Spain are still, to 
paraphrase the song, adorable; but 
they are not now, if they ever were, 
creatures of such stereotype. (Lots 
of them are blondes or redheads, 
for starters.) And while it is true 
that until the death of Generali: 
mo (text concluded on page 146) 


Carmen Mariche Real (above) lives in 
а Barcelona residence run by nuns, but 
her own attitudes are liberal—except 
when it cames to football, which she 
detests. It’s hard to upstage the scenic 
becuty af a place like Ronda, one of 
sauthern Spain's “white towns,” but 
Swiss-born Jolanda Egger (right) man- 
ages it nicely. When not inspiring 
photographers, Jolanda jumps horses. 


those once demure 
señoritas have really come 
a long way, baby 


Borcelono's Nina Ferré (above) is a promising young actress who's currently oppearing 
i d film. She's hard at work studying English so she can try to fulfill o childhood 
‘Since | was very small, | have olways wonted to be o Hollywood actress." 


Life on the Balearic island of Ibiza lured interior decorator 
Petra Machalinski (below left) awoy from her notive Ger- 
mony. Petra's hobby is painting; she's decorative herself. 


Also happily settled on Ibiza is Elena Romero (obove), who was born in the northern Sponish seacoast city of San Sebastión. A secretarial school 
graduate, she works as a public-relatians consultant for an island night spot. Profesora Petra Sonneborn (below) teaches art history and physical 
education in Madrid; she hos recently taken up а secand successful career as a model, doing fashion shows and a number of television spots. 


г e 


p 


ма 


Yacht stewardess Rena Edmonds (for left) 
basks in the sunshine that bathes Marbella 
most of the year; there's good reason to 
call this shore the Casta del Sol. At near 
left is Madrid's Adriana Azcue, who com- 
bines a modeling career with work in pub- 
lic relatians and admits to liking “seriaus, 
elegant, attractive men." A genuine castle 
in Spain provides the backdrop for Marta 
Elena Jimenez Perer (above), who won 
the title Miss Tenerife ten years ago, when 
she was only 14. Ana Maria Codina Pujol 
(below) has lived in Spain all of her 20 
years; here she poses in Seville’s Plaza de 
España, a picturesque relic of 1929's 
Ibera-Americon Exposition in that city. 


Still another Fräulein who has elected to become o señorita is Heike Wesenberg (above), who, when we asked for her opinion of men, said simply that 
they're “the best thing in the world.” Madrid model Uschi Hu (below) tums in o performance on the ploins of La Mancha that, we're convinced, would 
have made the legendary Don Quixote forget his tilt toward windmills. It did draw the attention of curious policemen, who rubbernecked. ¿Cómo no? 


At ease beside one of Barcelona's most famous londmorks, the sculpture La Pedrera, by Gaudi, is 


SÍ local economics student Alicia Garcia Moller (above). Alicio told us that she likes jealous men, 
f ‘becouse then | know they're not uninterested.” Brussels-born Diane Beoussillon (below) spent 


two years in Fronce ond three cruising on a sailboat before moving to swinging Ibiza, where she 


a 9 
МЇ works os o hostess in her fother's restaurant. She oppreciates men “who know whot they want.” 


Actress/model Lola Farcada Mateo (above) is from Barcelana: one af 
her favarite pastimes, nat surprisingly, is going to the movies. Carmen 
Gil Bayana (left, harborside at Marbella) also acts and models— but 
she prefers the lotter. Carmen, who also lives in Barcelona, travels 
around Spain, often modeling bathing suits in fashion shows; she has 
had small parts in four films and somehow still finds time ta teach 
make-up classes, swim, play tennis, dance and engage in gymnastics. 


Jacqueline Lana Marcan (below) came to Barcelona from her native 
Manila by way of Indonesia and France. She tells us that her ambition 
isto become a magician. After being educated in England, Swiss-born 
Caroline Webb (right) spent ane year in Venezuela, twa in New York, 
then came to Spain “because | didn't know it.” Now she does, and 
she’s a language teacher in Madrid, where in recent years she has 
noted a marked loosening of restraints an everything from freedam af 
speech to entertainment (“Now you can even see transvestite shows”). 


RC ddl. tv 


№ 


PLAYBOY 


M6 


Francisco Franco in 1975, nearly all free- 
doms, including that of sexual expression, 
were repressed—rLavBoY was outlawed, 
for instance —in 1983, some of the señoritas 
of Spain are among the freest spirits in all 
Europe. 

What's astonishing about this sea 
change is that it has taken place so pro- 
foundly in less than a decade. Or, to hear 
some Spaniards tell it, in less than a weck, 
One bachelor scientist described the scene 
after the dictators demise thus: “One 
week, all you could see was a woman's 
ankle. The next weck, total nudity.” 

"The scientist, who conducts research for 
Spain's burgeoning wine industry, has had 
ample opportunity to study developing 
Spanish womanhood. He has five sisters 
and several girlfriends. “I see the differ- 
ences in women by five-year age spans,” 
he told us. “It’s difficult for women over 
30, for example, to adjust to sexual free- 
dom. The 25-year-olds are more liber- 
ated—and the 15-year-olds are doing 
everything.” 

We were reminded of Manuel Gutiérrez 
Aragón's film Maravillas, released a year 
or two ago, in which a 15-year-old girl has 
sex with a series of men in the flat she 
shares with her widowed father—while 
her father is at home, observing the bed- 
room traffic. Not the sort of scene you'd ex- 
pect to see in Dubuque. When asked, at a 
Chicago International Film Festival press 
conference, if Maravillas? behavior were 
typical of 15-year-old Spanish girls, 
Gutiérrez Aragén replied, “Perhaps not, 
but it’s the way most would like to be.” 

Such changes haven't taken place with- 
out a rent in the country's social fabric, of 
course, and more than one observer feels 
that the pendulum is about to swing back 
again. But it will never return to the days 
of the duenna. And today, the chances of 
striking up a conversation—and, with 
luck, entering into more intimate compan- 
ionship—are just as good in Spain as they 
are anywhere else in the world. Spanish 
girls are dancing in discos, working in 
offices and stores, studying law and medi- 
cine, doing everything their peers in Eng- 
land, Germany, Sweden, Switzerland and 
the United States are doing. 

Spain is a country of immense contrasts, 
from lush, semitropical Andalusia to the 
austere plains of Castile and the unique 
flavor of Galicia and the Basque country to 
the north. It's in the big cities—Barcelona 
and Madrid—and in the resort-cum- 
artist’s-colony atmosphere of Ibiza that 
most of the action takes place. For one 
thing, there are more jobs there, and a girl 
is morc likely to be able to afford her own. 
apartment or, at least, to share one with 
girlfriends. In a smaller village, just as in 
East Snowshoe, Nebraska, she’s more like- 
ly to live at home with the folks. Econom- 
ics, in fact, has a lot to do with sexual 
freedom in Spain; when a woman works, 


as most now do, she's more independent. 

Carlos Martorell, an international- 
public-relations expert who describes him- 
self as “the first guy in Barcelona, years 
ago, to have refused to become a lawyer 
and moved to Ibiza to live like a hippic, 
surrounded by Americans,” has a lot to 
say about regional differences in mores. 

“Ibiza is still the most open place in 
Spain,” he says, “partly because there are 
so many young tourists here. It’s the Sod- 
om and Gomorrah of 1983. 

“Next most liberal is Barcelona, 
perhaps because it's near France. The 
most conservative areas are Asturias and 
Zaragoza, in the north. As for Andalusia, 
there's sex there, but much of it is under- 
ground. All the society ladies are criticiz- 
ing everybody else while they're fucking 
their chauffeurs. 

"Still," he concludes, “I think we'll go 
back to romanticism soon. Spaniards have 
always been extremists.” 

He may be right, at least about the 
romanticism. Like many of the young 
women in Spain who posed for PLAYBOY, 
Barcelona’s Carmen Morichc Real told us 
that romanticism was the quality that 
most pleased her in a man. But neither she 
nor the other young women with whom 
we talked want to turn the clock back to 
the heyday of machismo. 

Another outsider who has adopted 
Spain as her homeland is Petra Sonne- 
born, who hails from Hannover, Germany, 
and now teaches in a private German 
school in Madrid. She was surprised at 
what she found: “Women arc morc liberal 
here in Spain than elsewhere in Europe; 
often, the younger Spanish girls will make 
the first move. Which makes it difficult for 
the rest of us, because many men think 
we're all fair game.” 

Although the liberation of women—sex- 
ual as well as economical—is pretty much 
a fait accompli in Spain, the news hasn't 
leaked out to many parts of the world. 
Even Staff Photographer Pompeo Posar 
was skeptical. A letter he got from a friend 
didn't help: “Spanish women don't even 
undress before their husbands! How are 
you going to get through this assignment?” 

When he left for Spain, Pompeo took 
along a powerful ally in the form of Associ- 
ate Photo Editor Janice Moses (who, in 
the process, fell so deeply in love with 
Spain that she made three trips to the 
country, on her own time, within months). 

“We started out in Barcelona, where the 
offices of pLaveoy’s Spanish edition are lo- 
cated,” Janice recalls. “And that should 
have given us an inkling that the job was 
not going to be impossible. The streets of 
Barcelona were filled with girls in very 
short skirts, ruffly, romantic blouses, high 
heels or sexy boots. It was obvious that 
those girls were aware of themselves and of 
their sensuousness. In Barcelona, we met 
Ignacio and Estrella Ribo—she’s a jour- 
nalist and he's a successful attorney by day 


and owner/operator of the popular disco 
Up & Down by night—public-relations 
man Carlos Martorell and the brilliant 
sculptor Xavier Corberó, who allowed 
us to use two houses in his 300-year-old 
castlelike complex for our shootings. 

“Those introductions helped us in other 
cities, such as Madrid, where we found 
more beautiful girls at the disco Pacha. 
This place reminded us of New York’s Stu- 
dio 54 in its heyday. If you're a night per- 
son, by the way, you'll love Spain: People 
never dine before ten, get to the discos at 
one or two and don't roll home before four 
or five in the morning." 

Pompeo and Janice continued their 
odyssey through sun-baked Andalusia and 
the Costa del Sol, where they headquar- 
tered in Marbella's Hotel Puente Romano, 
with side trips to such sites as Ronda, with 
its ancient Roman bridge, and other spots 
filled with evidence of Spain's mixed 
cultural heritage (400 years under the 
Romans; nearly 800 under Moorish con- 
querors whose level of culture was aston- 
ishing). Next came Seville, where the 
Plaza de España and other remnants of the 
Ibero-American Exposition of 1929 pre- 
sage what's to come in 1992, when Seville 
and Chicago, PLaYBOw's home base, will 
each host a world's fair in commemoration 
of Columbus' discovery of America. 

A two-hour flight took our team to the 
Canary Islands, Spanish provinces off 
the west coast of Africa. In Santa Cruz de 
Tenerife, a popular spot, they had scarcely 
settled into their hotel before the phones 
started ringing with calls from girls, agents 
who wanted appointments for their model 
clients and television stations asking for 
interviews. Exulted Janice, “Who said it 
couldn't be done?” 

Last stop was Ibiza, long the bastion of 
nonconformity in Spain. There have been 
nude beaches on Ibiza and its neighboring 
Balearic Island of Formentera for some 
time, and the steady influx of tourists 
(many of whom decide to stay) has carved 
chinks into conservatism, even during the 
days of Franco. Many of the most attrac- 
tive girls who posed for PLAYBOY, in fact, 
were born elsewhere but have settled into 
Spanish life in recent years. They probably 
wouldn't have found it congenial before. 

By the time they had to hop their Iberia 
747 for the flight back to the States, Janice 
and Pompeo were satisfied that they'd 
done their job. We trust you'll agree. 

(For information on travel lo Spain, write 
to one of the Spanish National Tourist 
Offices: 665 Fifth Avenue, New York, New 
York 10022; Suite 915 East, Water Tower 
Place, 845 North Michigan Avenue, Chica- 
go, Illinois 60611; One Hallidie Plaza, 
Suie 801, San Francisco, California 
94102; 4800 Galleria, 5085 Westheimer, 
Houston, Texas 77056; or Iberia Airlines of 
Spain, 9777 Queens Boulevard, Rego Park, 
New York 11374.) 


^. 


TO THE MAH, TOTALLY 


THE YEAR IN MUSIC: In case you thought there was nothing sporting in rock 'n’ roll this time around, we wish you could have 
heard April Wine’s If You See Kay, which for the most part was off the radio because of what it spelled phonetically. Actually, last year, 
you didn’t have to listen to the radio to hear the hits, Survivor's number-one tune Exe of the Tiger was the theme from 
Rocky III. Joc Cocker and Jennifer Warnes similarly soared with Up Where We Belong, from An Officer and a Gentle- 
man. The Waitresses became a top draw after cutting the theme for CBS-TV's Square Pegs. Sec what we mean? 
Another current event: solar recording. Styx went into a solar-powered studio last year. Meanwhile, Ozzy 
Osbourne did his part to save the whales: He preferred to gnaw on the heads of bats and doves. And A Flock 
of Seagulls came up with a new hairdo that very closely resembled the doors of the late, lamented 
DeLorean sports coupe. Really, gag us with a spoon. 


= 4 
Y T CHOP ROCK: It wasn't HURTS SO GOOD: Bloomington, Indiano’s, Jahn Cougar (nee Mellencamp) ought to hit 
>, I enough that Julian Lennon, the TV-commercial scene (Hertz sa gao-ood . . . ). That's got to be better thon hitting his 

A Emma Townshend, Zok supporters. Not toa long одо, Cougar plopped a female publicist inta a coke and 


Storkey and Maon Zoppo 
premiered their acts this 


dumped о drum set and a few omps anta his fans at o concert in London, Ontario. We'll 
bet first-row fans ore not likely ta dispute that sometimes “love don't feel like it should.” 


post year. Now Lisa Papeil, 
daughter of Sam Popeil, the 
moker af the famed Veg-O- 
Matic ond the Packet Fish- 
" ermon, hos cut her first 
album, in Hallywaod. No, it 
won't be marketed by K-tel. 


کس وو | — سے سے 


- ) жа 
اجا را سے لیے ا ےا ے | ل کے ے ےے ےار‎ 


A NUTTY, MAH-VELOUS GUY: Paul Shoffer may 
have played every lounge in Conada—both men's 
опа women's. Naw, os musical director of David 
Letterman's Late Night show, he's responsible for 
same of the heppest music on TV. His oversize 
smoked glosses, his wardrabe af chemicolly in- 
duced fabrics and colors and his forced but wan 
smile oll contribute ta the best parody of show- 

biz in showbiz. We love you, Poul. You're 


148 really а fabulaus guy. We mean that sincerely. PP 


ROCKMAN HIT LIST: Some per- 
formers don't deserve an audience. 
They deserve a Rockman, the new 
toy thot enobles musicions to listen 
to themselves vio o heodset, saving 
the world from useless slaughter. 
Our Rockmon hit list: The Plasmat- 
ics, Scott Baio, Billy Idol, The Psy- 
chedelic Furs, ond Sammy Hagar. 


EBONY AND IRONY: First it wos brotherly 
love ond raciol hormony. Even little kids were 
humming along with Poul McCartney ond Stevie 
Wonder's Top 40 hit. Next thing you know, 
Stevie conceled his ChicogoFest booking during 
o block boycott sponsored by PUSH. Mean- 
while, Paul went out ond found himself a new. 


iberoce swears that 
‘по one is tickling his, despite palimony chorges 
leveled ot him by o former employee. 
STRUMMIN' ON THE OLD PIANO: Pete 
Townshend says thot in ten years, synthesizers 
will entirely replace guitors. Is that why The 
Who want to quit? 

PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC, WHITE BOYS: A 
Chicago band, Occupants, kick out their joms 
entirely on Cosios. Are they plugged in or 
whot? 

PUT THE PEDAL TO THE METAL: No fewer 
thon four baoks obout him ore now on the 
rocks. They're turning his life story inta a 
movie. Johnny Carsan even got him into a tux. 
But nothing con stop The Killer—not bad 
booze, bad girls or bad luck. There's still a 
whole lotta shokin' going on. 


79 BEATLES XX: The Beatles’ 20th onniversary 
LONE was in 1982. Prince Philip, Queen Elizabeth 
$ and Paul McCortney celebroted at 7 


Royal Albert Holl. MGMWUA Ноте 
| Video issued o chort-topping 
two-hour documentary, The 

Compleot Beatles, ond 


Г а West Coast band 


four, ot left, 
sound Beotley 
but are def- 


changed 
its nome 
from The T 
Bongs to STRAW-MAN: Billboord re- 
The Bongles. ported that when record 
The new fob stores start stocking videa 


games, record sales increase. 
And Maxell found thot its au- 
dio-tape customers buy twice 
as mony records os average 
record buyers. So whot's eat- 
ing the music biz, onyway? 


initely the 
femole of 
the species. 


NAME THAT CROWD: Sure, you know the per- 
formers, but can you tell their oudiences apart? 
To find out, match each crowd with the descrip- 
tion of whot they're watching: (a) Pink Floyd's 
The Wall, (b) The Blues Stage at ChicagoFest, (c) 
The Police at the Us Festival, (d) Dave Brubeck, 
(e) The Who, (f) Dean Mortin on TV, (g) Porlio- 
ment/Funkodelic. Look for onswers on page 190. 


BUT WE ALL LIVE IN A YELLOW SUBMARINE: A Rus- 
sian submorine sailed into Swedish woters, but when the 
Swedes foiled to net the ostensible red herring, they 
blomed rock music. Technicions’ ears, soid navy bross, 
were sa damaged by high-decibel rock ‘n’ roll that techni- 


cions hod trouble listening to sensitive sonar equipment. 


ROCK-'N-ROIL COUPLE OF THE YEAR: On the screen 
below, Chicogo rodio personolity Steve Dahl hugs his lead- 
ing lady in Folklands!, a rock video tape obout a lonely 
saldier and his wor bride. We liked the port where the 
sheep learns to ploy drums. Tragically, Бу wor's end, she 
becomes the featured ottraction in a back-yard barbecue. 


L5, GIRLS, GIRLS 


they sing La they write smart; heck, 
they even play their instruments. to put 
it another way: the girls 
got ripe this past year 


Laurie Anderson 


COLLAGE BY ANN KORACH 


ч 4 Girlschool 


m 


- 


Li a 
"a Y - 
4 & М: 
' \ 
A b. 
\ 
у A. 
2 
аЊЇ s 
P 4 yA 
Tané Cain 
` к E f; 
A Ж 
5 e Cindy Wilson 
` . 
3 (١ . A “ Ww "dn 
Aw 7 
йз. . Dale Bozzio Lal E 
N HA ; * E 
ГС. , 


ou've heard talk of the women of rock, but we think our headline, from Marshall Cren- 
shaw's song, belongs here. After all, if The Who are the kids and Brownsville Station те 
smoked in the boys” room, then the significant troops of hot new female rockers must be ~ № 
girls, huh? Fortunately, like the boys of rock, the girls of rock don't grow up, either. 
When they do, they talk about retiring. Of course, we'd talk about retiring, too, ifour competi- 
tion were looking and acting this good. From the avant-garde electronic noodling of Laurie 
Anderson to the chirpy, sock-hop fun of the Go-Go's and Toni Basil, there was nothing the girls 
hadn't tried this past year. Girlschool and Catholic Girls outheavied the boy heavy-metalists, while 
Exene, lead singer of X, wrote songs about rubber sheets and marriage. Grace Jones, who's actually 
a girl, and Prince, who's actually a boy, made fascinating theater out of sexual ambiguity. (Sorry 
about the picture, Prince—we're confused.) Talking Heads bassist Tina Weymouth toured last sum- 
mer with her very pregnant tummy sheathed in a supportive sling. As you can see, traditionalist Wendy 
O. Williams wowed us with her old-fashioned feminine accessories— clothespins. And Cindy Wilson and 
Kate Pierson of the B-52's are keeping the beehive alive. When we saw The Motels” Martha 
Davis taking healthy whacks at her Telecaster, we tried to. keep in mind that she is the mother of 5 
two teenaged girls. Josie Cotton's single Johnny Are You Queer? brought out the pickets against a 40 
radio station that played it. Former Playboy Bunny Dale Bozzio emerged as lead singer for Miss- Á 
ing Persons. And among all the newer faces, the veterans have been surviving in style: Grace 
Slick, Debbie Harry, Stevie Nicks, Linda Ronstadt, Pat Benatar and Joni Mitchell. Any day 4 
now, a new graffito is going to pop up: BONNIE RAITT Is COD. But to really put this 
in perspective, just remember that Big Mama Thornton's was the voice that 
first gave you Hound Dog. We'd say it’s taken a long time for females to get 
into the male-dominated rock 
arena, but we're glad they did. Бы, 


152 


pf. qu 


> p оюн 


A 
E 


RECORDS OF THE YEAR 


BEST POP / ROCK LP 


Asia (Geffen Records) 
. Tug of War / Paul McCartney (Co 
lumbia) 

Mirage | Fleetwood Mac (Warner 
Bros.) 

Freeze-Frame / The J. Geils Band (EMI 
America) 

Ghost in the Machine | The Police 
(A&M) 


It's Hard / The Who (Warner Bros.) 
American Fool / John Cougar (Riva) 


7. Escape / Journey (Columbia) 

Pictures at Eleven / Robert Plant (Swan 
Song) 

(0. Combat Rock / The Clash (Epic) 


м 


BEST RHYTHM-AND-BLUES LP 


Y. Original Musiquarium 1 / Stevie Wonder 
(Tamla / Motown) 

2. The Other Woman / Ray Parker, Jr 
(Arista) 
Lionel Richie (Motown) 

. Streel Songs / Rick James (Gordy / 
Motown) 

5. Jump To It / Aretha Franklin (Arista) 


эю 


T 


zm than anything else, Wil- 
Jelson is a country song- 

зы singing, їп writing 

and in sty He is white 
country Gospel, Texas honky-tonk, black 
rural blues; well, it goes on and on. He and 
his band have been called healers and dop- 
ers and joggers in these pages. He sum- 
mons up the infamous outlaw period when 
country music briefly danced away from 
its origins. He brings to mind the disparate 
influences his band has wrought to rally 
the clans, from grandparents to grandchil- 
dren, and to nurture the white-collar dis- 
covery of Western music. The late, great 
Lefty Frizzell was at one end of the spec- 
trum, Hoagy Carmichael at the other. 
Maybe it was his Stardust album that 
brought Willie up through the ranks from 
Texas and Nashville to national a im, 
from being a man with a "purty voice" to 
true stardom, from musical picnics for the 
faithful to prominence in films. What in- 
spires fans to create a ? Is it loyalty to a 
band that, despite its ups and downs, 
kceps going through its paces? Is it loyalty 
to а performer who, however rarely, will 
tear a door off its hinges instead of using 
his God-given key? Maybe it's just that his 
admirers appreciate that ol’ Willie is into a 
transcendental mood after all these years, 
that he has had it and now he's doing what 
he wants to do, what he has to do to keep 
himself from going down the tubes like so 
many of his brethren. And there's that 
communicated sadness over the passage of 
time that has been the key to Willic’s fu- 
ture and his present fortune. We're glad 
this angel isn’t flying too close to the 
ground. He isn’t as wild as people like to 
think. He's solid. Honk if you love Willic. 


MU y MUSIC POLL RESUL 


6.Cap Band IV (Total 
Records / PolyGram) 

6. Donna Summer (Geffen Records) 

8. The Dude / Quincy Jones (A&M) 

9. Raise / Earth, Wind & Fire (ARG / Co- 
lumbia) 

10. Throw 
Motown) 


Experience 


Down / Rick James (Gordy / 


BEST JAZZ LP 


1. Offramp / Pat Metheny Group (ECM) 
. Breakin’ Away / Al Jarreau (Warner 
Bros.) (continued on page 188) 


ю 


townshend, daltrey, entwistle 
and jones talk about 
their de-ge-ge-ge-generation 


ANTE HAD IT. all wrong. The outer circles of 
hell arc definitely not populated by traitors, сай, 
bounders or any such curmudgeons. They are, I'm 
quite certain, staffed by pcople without backstage 

passes desperately trying to argue their way through the 

heavenly gates past the Rent-A-Saint Peters. 

Elbowing my way through the hopeful throng 
toward the stage door, I keep one hand hovering pro- 
tectively over the coveted blue-and-white adhesive patch 
that identifies me as ARTIST/GUEST THE WHO 82 TOUR MEADOW 
LANDS ARENA. As [ reach the stage entrance, I flash my pass 
at the burly guard and start through the open doorway. 

“Hold it, buddy,” barks Mr. Security, jabbing a pudgy 
finger into my pass. “This is no good without the little 
mushroom.” What mushroom? I follow the trajectory of the 
pudgy finger toward a photocopied sheet on the stage door 
that purports to explain the ranks and privileges of the cight 
types of passes considered valid on the Who tour. At the bot- 
tom of the pecking order are the AFTER SHOW ONLY chits that 
allow you the privilege of hanging around the lounge, where 
you can play Pac-Man and toss down free drinks. On the 

igh end, there are the special plastic-laminated photo and 
chain jobs that permit you to sit in John Entwistle’s lap or 
follow Roger Daltrey into the men’s room. Halfway up the 
list, I spot my blue-and-white number. It is clearly marked 

INVALID WITHOUT MUSHROOM STAMP. For a brief, shining mo- 

ment I entertain the idea of explaining to the gentleman that 

I'm here on assignment from a major magazine, that I’ve in 

terviewed Pete Townshend twice before, met his wife, we're 

buddies, he said to make sure we got together in New York, 

I'm an eagle scout and. . 

No, he's heard all that before—and worse. Instead, I rifle 
through my pockets until I dredge up the spare pass I'd 
been given by one of the three or four record companies, 
management firms, promoters and PR agencies responsible 
for tour security. Sure enough, this little bugger is identical 
to the first pass, except that this one has a funny little 
mushroom tattooed across it. 1 quickly slap it on over the 
invalid pass in full view of the security guard, who shrugs 


and ushers me through without further ado. Dr. Pavlov, — / 


call your lah. 

As I walk down the long corridor leading to the 
band's dressing rooms, irony is everywhere. I mean, 
this is The Who, isn’t it? Rock’s original angry 
young punks, right? Agents of chaos and anarchy. 
‘The lads who, in a frisky mood, could make the 
Stones look like choirboys. How did the band that | 
wouldn't get fooled again end up in the center 
of an interlocking web of promoters, record 
companies, concessionaires, publicists, film 
companies and God knows what clse? When 
the Last Poets smugly sang about how “the 
revolution will not be televised,” they sorely 
underestimated the marketing powers of the 
American media/entertainment complex. If 
The Who's final tour of America is any indica- 
tion, not only will the revolution be televised — 
i'll be simulcast on FM radio, wired for pay 
TV, chronicled by an official biographer and 
brought to you by Schlitz beer. | 

No wonder Townshend, Daltrey, Entwistle WA 
and Kenncy Jones decided to packitinas a touring 


| THE 
ШЕ 
LAST 


article 


Bv VIC GARBARIAI 


band by the end of last усаг. In a sense, 
they have become hamstrung by their own suc- 

ccss—in danger of gaining the whole world 
but losing their souls to the mindle: 


sarily anything wrong with making a 
few bucks, mind you. But when you 
reach the rarefied heights of a su- 
perstar band such as The Who, 
you begin to operate under a differ- 
ent set of dynamics than a 
garden-variety bar band. That 
special communion between 
band and audicnce often can’t 
sustain the transition to the 
arcna circuit. Quantity begins 
to replace quality, 
munication devolves 
spectacle and rock 'n' roll loses 
its gift to inspire, challenge, 
mirror and question. 

When 1 ran some of those ideas 
by guitarist Townshend in Lon- 
don, shortly after he'd 
announced that the 1982 

world tour would be the 

band’s last, he agreed 
wholeheartedly. “The 
Who,” he said, “are prob- 
ably as responsible for the 
degeneration of rock as any- 
one else. Basically, it came 
about because of thc opportuni 
to makc large amounts of money 
and the Western obsession with 
achievement as measured by quan: 

ty rather than depth. Musicians have 
actually started saying, "What's the 
point of making a really good record 
when we know that a well-constructed 

piece of  (contimued on page 188) 


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LINDA RONSTADT female vocalist 

JAZZ 
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GROVER WASHINGTON, JR woodwinds G 


БЕ, N 
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QUINCY JONES composer / songwriter 


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PLAYROY 


158 


PAUL NEWMAN 


(continued from page 76) 


“The blue-eyes stuff is offensive because of the 
implication that you'd be a failure without them.” 


simply seem to be able to slip close to the 
edge of things. 
PLAYBOY: Wasn't there also a time when. 
you were racing thata car fell onto the roof 
of your car? 
NEWMAN: That's a highly exaggerated 
story. A car fell onto the hood of my car. 
There are two Newman's laws, you know. 
The first onc is, “It is useless to put on 
your brakes when you're upside down." 
The second onc is, “Just when things look 
darkest, they go black." 
PLAYBOY: Judging from that, you've rolled. 
a vehicle or two. 
NEWMAN: [Smiles] Yeah, I rolled a '73 
Porsche once in Louisiana. A few years 
earlier, I had а motorcycle accident and 
lost a 650 Bonneville Triumph. I sold all 
my cycles the next day. I wasn't wearing a 
helmet that day—and that was also New- 
man's luck. 

[The locale shifis from Fort Lauderdale to 
Newman's home in Beverly Hills.) 
PLAYBOY: Define Newman's luck, once and 
for all, as it has affected your looks, your 
career, your personal life. 
NEWMAN: It starts with the luck of genet- 
ics. In the business I’m in, I seem to have 
the right physical appearance. It’s not just 
a question of attractiveness or unattrac- 
tiveness. It means ] have a metabolism 
that keeps me thin. I'm also shy, and shy- 
ness is strictly a genetic trait. Now, how 
people deal with shyness is something else. 
Will it make you try harder the next year? 
With me it was . . . well, if were a dog, I 
would be a terrier. I always see them as 
dogs that are trying to handle bones that 
are much too big for them, trying to dig up 
bones under fences when the fences are too 
deeply embedded. I am lucky to a fault, 
but I am also very determined. I will 
somehow get that bone. I will get somcone 
who weighs 300 pounds to stomp on the 
bone! ГИ get a Mercedes-Benz to drive 
over the bone! Anyway, if I ever write an 
autobiography, it will be called The Way It 
Looks from Up Here in the Plum Tree. 
[Smiles] 
PLAYBOY: Why a plum tree? 
NEWMAN: I don’t know. I guess a plum 
tree has always been where kings and 
queens sit. 
PLAYBOY: Why haven't you written it? 
NEWMAN: I suppose if I really wrote an 
autobiography, I would have to get into 
who did what to whom, when I did what 
and how, and Г don't think that's any- 
body's business. This is the great age of 
candor, the age of the New York Post and 
The National Enquirer, but my theme for 
the Eighties is “Fuck candor.” It even in- 
spired me to write a poem—just one. I call 


it The Age of Candor. Want to see it? [He 


goes into another room and returns quickly, 
putting on a pair of reading glasses] Allow 


me to read it to you: 


“Is mystery there? 
Penthouse— 


Viva, Screw! 
Do these invest a head 
with magic speculation? 
Well... 
I talk more to lust 
with veils and shadows 
In darkness 
layers peeled. 
Each tactile step 
Read not in kilowatts 
The intimation of . . 
suggests 
my private wonder." 


PLAYBOY: That's appropriate, because we 
were going to dip into your unwritten 
autobiography and ask you about some of 
the episodes in your life you've never 
talked about. Such as the period in 1953 
when you were already married, with 
three children, and you met Joanne. 
NEWMAN: Yeah, and that’s why I say fuck 
candor. It’s simply nobody's business. 
What happened to us during that period is 
not gonna help anybody live a happy 
life—it’s not going to help people's mar- 
riages, it’s not going to destroy their mar- 
riages—and it’s simply nobody’s business. 
PLAYBOY: Although since that time, you 
have certainly set a showbiz record for en- 
durance in happiness and marriage. 
NEWMAN: And that also is nobody’s busi- 
ness. You know, there are a lot of things in 
our business that seem to have become 
hard-and-fast rules. One of them is that no 
matter what you're doing—if you're hav- 
ing a romantic dinner with your wife, if 
you're shooting the bull with the kids, 
if you're discussing a script with a friend, if 
you're just walking happily down Fifth 
Avenue, no matter whal you're doing— 
you must, if somebody asks you, stop and 
put your name on a piece of paper. Now, 
that may not be in the area of invasion of 
privacy, but it is in the area of violation of 
human rights. There is a human right that 
you should be allowed to speak with your 
wife without interruption if you care to; I 
care to. I care to walk down Fifth Avenue 
without—sometimes on request and some- 
times on command—putting my name on 
a piece of paper or standing for a photo- 
graph with someone's favorite dog or fami- 
ly baby. When people say, “Smile,” or 
“Take off your dark glasses," I immediate- 


ly think of a drill instructor ordering me 
around. So when a media person says, 
“Tell me about your difficult year of 1953,” 
I say, “Why? On whose recognizance?” 1 
believe I can say that with the full support 
of most of the human-rights organizations 
around the planet. 
PLAYBOY: All right. But your complaint 
about autograph signing is a common one 
among celebrities. Why did you feel you 
could stop? 
NEWMAN: I can tell you when I stopped. 1 
was standing at a urinal at Sardi's in New 
York and a guy came through the door 
with a piece of paper and a pen in his 
hand. Since that moment, I’ve thought 
about the foolishness of it and the indecen- 
cy of it and realized there was no situation 
that could not be violated. Thinking back 
on that moment, I wonder, What do I do 
with my hands? Do I wash them first and 
then shake hands? Or do I shake hands 
and then wash up? 
PLAYBOY: Still, don’t you feel you owe 
something to those who pay five bucks to 
see one of your movies and support your 
stardom? 
NEWMAN: Sure, I owe them a lot. I owe 
them the best performance I can give; 1 
owe them an appearance on my set exactly 
on time: 1 owe them trying to work for the 
best I can, not just for money. But if some- 
body says that what I owe him is to stand 
up against a wall and take off my dark 
glasses so he can take a picture of my baby 
blues, then I say, “No, I don't owe you 
that.” I try not to be hurtful. I say some- 
thing like, “If I take off my glasses, my 
pants will fall down.” Or, if they're insist- 
ent, I say, “Sure, ГИ take off my dark 
glasses if you'll let me look at your gums." 
Fair’s fair. 
PLAYBOY: So the blue cyes still are a con- 
cern to you. The old joke about your 
greatest terror being a tombstone with the 
words HERE BUT FOR HIS BLUE EYES. . . . 
NEWMAN: The blue-cyes stuff is offensive 
because of the implication that you'd be a 
failure if you didn’t have them: “That's 
how you made it, so take off your glasses so 
we can see your famous baby blues.” It's 
like with Bo Derek, you know: “Take off 
your brassiere so we can check your 
boobs.” It has exactly the same connota- 
tion; there's something of a put-down to it 
PLAYBOY: Essentially, what you're saying is 
that after all these years, you're still pretty 
embarrassed by your celebrity. 
NEWMAN: Suspicious is a better word. It 
just comes from knowing that it all has to 
do with my appearance on the screen, 
which has nothing to do with me. So I am 
suspicious. I suppose that’s why most of 
my friends are people I’ve known for 20 or 
25 years. 
PLAYBOY: Does that suspicion ever veer 
into paranoia? 
NEWMAN: Well, John Foreman, the pro- 
ducer, once gave a description of me that I 
loye and cherish. He said, “Paul Newman 
gets up every morning, walks to the window 
(continued on page 202) 


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PLAYBOY 


EVENINEE (continued from page 124) 


“Her tongue was sweeter than any finger, and yet 
like a small sword when it pressed into my mouth.” 


knife. Then she ate them in front of me. I 
did not know if I was with a woman, a 
goddess, or a beast. “If you are here for 
love of me,” she said, “your hands will 
learn caresses. But if you were sent by 
Usermare, your fingers will share the pain 
of the leper before they fall off." Again, she 
smiled at the expression on my face. 
“Come,” she said, “I trust you—a little 
bit," and she kissed my lips. I say kiss be- 
cause that was the first night I could truly 
try it. I had known the secret whore of 
Kadesh and my woman in Eshuranib and 
many a peasant girl, and I had known the 
sharing of our breath which is agreeable. 
Peasants tell each other, “Nobles eat from 
plates of gold, so they also know how to 
touch each other’s mouth.” Here, she laid 
her lips on mine and kept them there. I felt 
swathed like a mummy only it was in 
wrapping of a cloth finer than any I had 
ever felt. Her tongue was sweeter than any 
finger, and yet like a small sword when it 
pressed into my mouth. No, say it was like 
a little serpent that undulated in honey. 

“Come to me tomorrow night if He is 
not here,” she said, and led me to the tree. 
I had no sooner departed than my desire 
was back. Yet when I returned on the fol- 
lowing night, I was weak again. Her hand, 
like the shaduf, was there to lift me above 
myself. Once more, 1 knew only the walls 
of her body, and could not enter her gates. 
But she was gentle on this second night 
and said, “Come to me when you can, and 
on one good night, you will be as brave as 
Usermare Himself.” 

Now, I was, as I say, the only man liv- 
ing in these Gardens who was not a 
eunuch. So I did not wish to think of the 
amusement that would be stirring in every 
house as these little queens, one by one, 
heard of my night with Usermare. I stayed 
behind the walls of my own garden and no 
longer went visiting through the day from 
one home to another. Such visits had been 
most agrecable for the gossip they offered, 
but then, by way of the eunuchs, there was 
no story about any Prince, Governor, High 
Priest, Royal Judge, Third Overseer to the 
‘Vizier that did not come back to us in the 
Gardens. I say to us, but the eunuchs 
knew the gossip first, the little queens 
received it next, and I was lucky to hear it 
last. Even so, I knew more of the good and 
bad fortune of everyone in Thebes than in 
the old days when I was a charioteer gal- 
loping through the city. So, it had been 
agreeable to visit the little queens, and eat 
their cakes, smell their different perfumes, 
admire their faience or their golden 
bracelets, their necklaces, their rings, their 
furniture, their gowns, their children, their 
own gardens, their servants, the exploits of 


their great relatives (since often they were 
daughters from the best family of their 
home); but then, all compliments given, 
we would come to our greater interest 
which was gossip, and I would hear much 
about Queen Nefertiri and Rama-Nefru. 
The little queens had their preferences, of 
course, like schools of priests who worship 
in different temples, so you could hear that 
Queen Rama-Nefru would only be the 
favorite for this season or, as easily, that 
She would be His beloved for many years. 
Isoon saw that these tales ofthe Pharaoh's 
Great Consorts were only a reflection of 
stories the little queens told about each 
other. For you could count on it. To listen 
to the tale of one was to believe that 
another little queen had just lost favor, 
Thereby, I came to know quite a few of 
their secrets, and even before I began to 
visit Honey-Ball at night, I had an under- 
standing of her that came in part from her 
friends, as well as from little queens who 
were not. Long before I climbed over her 
tree, or heard Honey-Ball sing by the lake, 
I knew of her loss. I had seen men killed by 
the thousand, but that might weigh less in 
the balance of Maat than the woe felt by 
these little queens for the amputation of 
one toe. In the Gardens of the Secluded, 
Honey-Ball had been His Favorite—on 
that, her friends and those who did not like 
her, were nearly ready to agree. She had 
not been fat then, and even the eunuchs 
did not dare to look at her when she 
bathed, so voluptuous was her beauty. 
Ma-Khrut was her name for all occasions. 
But she was vain, vain even for a little 
queen, indeed, after all I heard of good 
and bad about her, it became my conclu- 
sion. She was vain. So she traded to 
Heqat—the ugliest of the little queens!—a 
necklace that once belonged to Usermare's 
mother. Then she dared to tease our Phar- 
ach. She told Him she had exchanged the 
necklace for a bowl of alabaster, and could 
Sesusi find her another bowl to match? 
"They were alone in her bed when she said 
this. He stood up, seized His knife and 
holding her foot by the ankle, severed the 
toc. Mersagert, that Goddess of Silence 
who never shut her mouth, told me that 
the screams of Ma-Khrut can still be 
heard over many a pond ona still night, 
and her enemies spoke of how she rushed 
to have the little toe wrapped, and then 
embalmed. Some said that after this night 
she was constant in her study of magic. 
She grew fat, and her garden sprouted rare 
herbs and rank ones, her rooms were filled 
with stuffs she collected. Where once she 
had had the finest alabaster of any little 
queen, now the bowls were chipped. There 
was much handling of the roots and skins 


and powders that moldered in them. Foul 
smokes were always rising from the fire- 
pots in the chamber where she performed 
her ceremonies and you could sniff the 
dung of birds and lizards or snakes in 
cages of all sorts. Needless to say, she not 
only had names for these beasts, but also 
for various stones and branches she kept, 
not to speak of her wrappings of spider 
web, her spice, her herbs, her snakeskins, 
whole and minced, her jars of salt, her 
dried flowers, her perfumes, her colored 
thread, her consecrated papyrus, and 
many jars of oil, native and forcign, some 
from plants and trees strange to me, some 
to be used beneath the light of the moon 
and others at the height of the sun. She 
knew the name of many a rare root of the 
fields that I had never seen before, and 
hair of all description including a curl from 
the brow of many a little queen and more 
than a few of the eunuchs. 
б 

Each night that Usermare remained 
away from the Gardens, I would awake in 
the dark, and with a heart that beat worse 
than any bird you might seize in your 
hand, I would be drawn to the branch that 
carried me over her wall and, with a good 
look to be certain no eunuchs were near, 
would leap up from the land where I was 
Governor and drop over into that garden 
within the Gardens where so much grew 
that was strange, and I had no power. 
Each night 1 would hold her in my arms, 
but my sword was like a snake with a 
broken neck, and when she kissed me, I 
did not know how to live in the pulsing of 
her lips. The full weight of her mouth had 
the heaviness of honey poured upon itself. 

In such moments I could not taste the 
pleasure. Too full was my recollection of 
her face at the gates of Usermare. Warmth 
rose at the memory of her mouth on Him, 
and I was like a woman again, so rich was 
my pleasure, but nothing like a man—so 
little was I able to stir myself. Al this pleas- 
ure only turned around in me like oil that 
is never poured from a jar. I began to hate 
how clearly 1 could see her mouth on Him 
and even began to dislike her, that dull 
weight of her body, the odor beneath her 
arms as itcame through the perfume. Like 
that of many another fat woman, it seeped 
out to the damp eaves. 

But on one night, after seven nights of 
failure, she said, “You live so much in His 
wrath that I must take you away. I will 
make a boat to rise above Him.” Upon my 
closed eyelids, shut in weariness, and close 
to despair, she drew with her fingernail, 
lightly but firmly, the hull of a ship. In the 
darkness 1 saw these lines she drew on me, 
and they were as clear to my closed eyes as 
fire, yet without flames, only the bright- 
ness of the lines. And as I saw each part of 
the ship, so did she say its customary name 
in her own voice, but reply with a whisper 
for the Secret Name. The sound of this 
second voice seemed to come out of the 
straining of the wood, the pull of the ropes, 
or the smack of the sail when it went full 


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PLAYBOY 


164 


out. I heard the groans of the oars in their 
locks, and did not darc open my eyes for 
fear 1 might lose the pleasure of secing this 
vessel under full sail. 

“I am the Keel,” she said and, in her 
second voice, replied, “My Secret Name is 
"Thigh of Isis." Then the first voice said, “I 
am the rudder,” and the answer came, “In 
my hidden name is Leg of the Nile." 

The more closely I listened, the shorter 
became her speeches until she had to say 
no more than “Oars” and the reply would 
come from the creaking of the boat itself: 
“Fingers of Horus.” 

Soon, she was saying the first name to 
one ear, and I was hearing the Secret 
Name in the other. “Bow,” said she, 
and “Chief of the Provinces” was the re- 
sponse. “Sail,” she said. I heard the 
whisper: “Sky.” 

“Pump,” declared Honey-Ball, and 
then her own deep voice spoke out: “The- 
Hand -of-[sis-wipes-away-the -blood- of- 
Horus.” With that, she took my poor dead 
snake and pumped it in her hand, but then 
the word for my member was almost the 
same as the word for pump. 


Like a wind that touches the water as 
lightly as a finger-tip, so did the breath 
from her nose blow over the top of all 
she held in her hand, until at last she 
said, “Mast” and, without moving, mut- 
tered, “Bring-Back-the-Lady-Before-She- 
Leaves.” On those words, she put her 
mouth on the blunt head of my poor snake, 
but it was dead no longer and more like a 
wounded sword. Then as the boat moved 
forward in the water, so did her mouth go 
up and down as we rode the waves, and I 
do not know if it was Ra I saw in my body, 
or the royal pleasure of Usermare, but I 
was ready to sail, and at that, she lay back, 
and pulled me over her. It was so quick, I 
plunged. I even screamed. Fire and rocks 
threw me about, then cast me out of her as 
I came forth, but my boat flew over the 
edge of the sky. She was kissing my mouth. 
So I knew. My flesh had dared to enter 
where only a Pharaoh could dwell. I was 
still alive. So soon as Usermare read 
my thoughts, I would certainly be dead. 
Yet I had never taken a breath with such 
exaltation. 

Quickly, she drew the circle of Isis 
about my head—a double cirde—and the 
gates to my mind were closed. “Go,” she 
said, “and come back tomorrow.” 

. 

Norisk in the Battle of Kadesh was ever 
the equal of this, for when the battle was 
over, it was done, but now 1 would be on 
guard every day of my life. No matter. I 
could not wait for the next night. Through 
all that morning, as I discharged the little 
duties that came my way, I was also pos- 
sessed of a vigor which had me near to 
laying hands on several little queens. I felt 
as if I were still on the boat—or what was. 
left of my boat!—and sailed with the sun. 

At evening, He arrived, so I could not 
sec her. Usermare spent His time with 
other queens, but still I could hardly take 


the chance to visit Honcy-Ball. His pres- 
ence kept the eunuchs awake and stirring 
in every bush. Besides, the little queens 
were also listening to each sound. The 
night was like a dark ear. I could still have 
made the attempt, yet with Usermare only 
a house or two away, I might find myself 
as inert beside her as the heat of this dark- 
ness itself, and that shame I could not risk 
again. So, through the night, I had to hear 
His loud laugh, and the grunts that came 
from His throat. 

Next night, Usermare stayed away, and 
I was with Honey-Ball, and ready. So soon 
as we lay down, I was in her, so soon as 
she moved, I could not stop, and before 
her body was in a gallop, I had ridden 
through. This time it was I who heard the 
whimper, the cry, the small moan of rage 
and the fall reverberating through her. 

Still, there was a difference most agree- 
able for me. Until this night, I had no 
more than to come forth and I was left in 
fear, I wanted only to flee her arms, 
Tonight, however, I was ready to do it 
again, and did, and it was better. At last I 
could feel master of my feelings. The 
knowledge that her mouth was a slave to 
Usermare gave me sufficient disdain of her 
(and of myself) to remain within my 
bounds and, most nicely, able to rock back 
and forth as if lolling on a boat, even to 
take her hips through the pounding waves, 
indeed, take her on a voyage of both our 
bodies through the river of the night until 
the small stirrings of every caged animal in 
her garden became like the sounds on the 
riverbanks, and even the mice in fascina- 
tion ceased running through the cracks in 
the walls. I tried this art of kissing at 
which she was adept, and although she 
was but a few days removed from the taste 
of Usermare’s parts (which gave me a 
great revulsion insofar as He was a man) 
still He was also a god and nothing may 
issue from a god that is not fit for a feast, 
indeed, it used to be said that our flesh is 
formed from Amon's leavings, and per- 
fume is the sweet smell of His corruption. 
So I was able then to keep turning in my 
heart between admiration and disdain, 
bringing myself back each time 1 was 
ready to go forth, and we galloped at the 
end in equal bounds, throwing each other 
about, and afterward felt true repose in the 
circle of our arms around each other. 

From that night on, I could speak of a 
sweeter warmth. For I thought she was 
beautiful. Even the great weight of her lips 
spoke of the power of large beasts, and her 
waist had the vigor of a tree. І adored her 
back. It was strong, and Honcy-Ball's 
thighs when I took them one in each of my 
arms were as full of satisfaction as the 
waists of two young girls I might hold at 
once. I always felt as if I were in the 
embrace of more than one woman. 

Each time, then, I knew her better and 
thereby underwent more misery on those 
evenings when Usermare came to visit. 
One night, when He chose Honey-Ball in 
company with several little queens, the 


sounds of their pleasure so disturbed me 
that I came near to bursting in. Such an 
end would have been peaceful compared 
to the cruel state of listening. For I was 
crawling with ants in the hot baked desert 
of my heart. 

On the next evening, He was there 
again, but I could recognize the little 
queens’ voices and He had not chosen her. 
Uncertain whether to be pleased, or to de- 
spise her lack of charms to capture Him a 
second time, I overcame all caution, 
climbed her wall, entered her bed, and 
knew jealousy when she spoke. She told 
me she had been witness to all He did last 
night, yet entered none of it. When He 
asked why she stood before Him in such 
chastity, she replied that she had been 
communing with demons in preparation 
for a holy ceremony, and wished to avoid 
the risk of attaching these unseen ogres— 
who might be near—to His divine flesh. 
When He asked the purpose of her cere- 
mony, she replied that it was for the Life, 
Health and Strength of the Two Lands. At 
which He grunted and said, “You could 
have chosen a better day” but asked no 
more. 

"Ihat was the story she told. I did not 
believe it. The night before, in my suffer- 
ing, I had heard her laugh many times. 
Besides, Usermare had small patience 
toward anyone who could not please Him. 
When I was ready to tell her so, she put 
her fingers to my lips (and, I promise you, 
we were speaking in tones next to silence 
itself) and whispered, “I said that if I did 
not touch His flesh on this night, I would 
be twice full of Him as a result." Honey- 
Ball giggled in the darkness. Although she 
had made the double circle of Isis about us 
many a time so that not one fleeting 
thought could depart into anyone else's 
thought, still she did it again for laughing 
at Him. “What did He say?” I asked. 

“Oh,” said she, “He told me He would 
pay double attention when next He looked 
at me,” and with a bawdy grin, she spoke 
in the language of the strects, her mouth in 
my car. “He said that since He was Lord 
of the Two Lands and twice King of 
Egypt, He would have me next by my cunt 
and my asshole.” н 

“And what did you say?” I whispered. 

“Great Two-House, it will take all of us 
to kiss You clean.’ He started laughing so 
hard He never stopped. It almost ruined 
His peru "That is the only way to speak 


“Will you do that?” I asked. 

“I will do my best to avoid it,” she said, 
with the same bawdy mirth on her mouth, 
and I was tempted to strike her. 

Now, no matter how else we held each 
other, she had never let me near her feet. 
They were tiny for so big a woman, that 
much I could see, tiny like the feet of her 
mother, the most elegant woman among 
the rich and noble ladies of Sais. Honey- 
Ball told me that was the mark of a noble 
family, feet more delicate than others, and 
when I asked why, she looked at me with 


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166 


scorn. “If our hair is able to feel the whis- 
per of the wind, we can have thoughts as 
delicate as birds." “Yes,” I replied, “but 
by the balance of Maat, our fect should be 
sturdy like the earth” She laughed 
“Spoken like a peasant!” she said, and 
laughed again and opened the circle of her 
thumb and forefinger so that I could enter 
her thoughts. I now saw myself jiggling 
like a doll at the tip of Usermare's sword. 
That made me angry cnough to strike her, 
but I did not. She would never let me enter 
her thoughts again. “Sweet Kazama,” she 
said, “the deepest thoughts are held by 
the earth. Through our toes—if they are 
fine enough—enter the cries from the 
Land of the Dead.” 

Simple enough. A good reason for deli- 
cate feet. So I would never have touched 
them, but now she mocked me again with 
her laughter. 1 seized her foot. 

By the way she fought back, it was clear 
that I had committed some terrible act. 
But I was too busy wrestling to under- 
stand in our silent fury (for in all of this we 
did not make enough commotion to wake 


one servant) that the foot 1 had grasped 
was the one with the missing toe. Then, 
since I held it with both hands, and she 
was kicking at my wrist and head with the 
other leg, it was all I could do to explore 
the poor missing place where the lit- 
tle toe had been, now as shiny ta the tips of 
my fingers as the amputated nub on the 
wrist of a thief, yet as soon as I truly held 
it, I knew this rape was the only true 
seduction I would ever have of her, and 
feeling by now strong as a tree myself, 1 
merely offered my skull to cach of her 
kicks, while deliberately kissing this shiny 
little place. But my head was ringing so 
much from these blows of her leg that 1 
saw her family pass before me in a noble 
boat, a golden panoply on the broad 
waters of the Delta, and then her fight was 
gone, and Honey-Ball burst into tears. Her 
sobbing became the loudest sound of the 
night in all these Gardens, and it was as 
soothing to the heavy silence as the 
washing past of waters, for where was the 
house with a little queen who had not 
жер? Usermare would never be con- 


COCHRAN! 


“Bruce Johnson?! Not little 
Bruce Johnson from Cleveland, who used to come to 
school with ribbons in his hair . . .?!" 


cerned with such a sound. Honey-Ball's 
body became soft again, and I lay holding 
my captive foot and imbibed all the sorrow 
that came up from it, even the odor of the 
little caverns between her toes was sad, 
and so I knew with what misery she lived, 
and rose up at last and kissed her on the 
mouth to taste the same sorrow, ah, there 
was a feeling of tenderness in my chest 
such as I had never known before. 

From that hour I began to sce her as a 
sister. We had a saying in my village: “You 
can sleep in a woman's bed for a hundred 
years, but you will never know her heart 
until you care for her as a sister.” I never 
liked that belief, I find no pleasure in senti- 
ments that take care of matters for- 
ever, but now I thought I understood why 
Honey-Ball had grown so fat. One had 
only to touch the stump of her little toe, as 
I alone had done, to feel the loss within 
her—the nub of that toe was like a rock in 
a silent sca, and I could feel her thoughts 
beat upon it. So I came to learn how her 
feelings toward Usermare might have only 
a little love to mix with a hatred larger 
than mine. Holding her as she wept, her 
heart spoke to me, and we were of the 
same family—you could not find another 
man and woman in all of the Gardens of 
the Secluded as consumed as ourselves 
with the heat of revenge. For when User- 
mare took out His short knife, grasped her 
foot and promptly took away the toe with 
one stroke of His blade, He then handed 
that bloody little half-worm back. They 
say she screamed and fled, all true as she 
told me, but she also embalmed the toe in 
natron for seventy days and kept it in a 
small gold case that had the shape of a sar- 
cophagus. That is the act of a woman who 
puts immense value on herself, but you 
must understand that to her family she 
was not a little queen, but a Queen. Her 
mother used to say, “After Nefertiri, comes 
Ma-Khrut.” It was never true, of course, 
yet to the eyes of her family, it was. So the 
insult to her foot disturbed the heavens. It 
is no small matter to descend the royal 
steps from First Favorite of the little 
queens to a woman whose name He speaks 
twice a year. Like a mummy [ think she 
had to cover herself with three cofins, 

Besides, she had brought great dishonor 
upon her family. In Sais, she told me, the 
good families gossiped so much about her 
toe, that one of her sisters, engaged to a 
young noble, received word most suddenly 
that he would now marry into another 
family. Honey-Ball sighed as she told me 
this and said, “They might as well have 
buried me in a sheepskin.” 

With our growing familiarity, she had 
become more modest and did not always 
seek to display her powers, indeed, there 
were nights when she was my sister, and 
spoke of small pains and miserable little 
sorrows. So 1 began to hear from her lips 
the old saying onc heard often in Thebes 
about people in the Delta: “Those who 
inhabit the swamps, know not.” The mean- 
ing had always been so obvious that I 


QUT В 


i! 


PLAYBOY 


never questioned its truth—to live in the 
swamps was to be wet, pestered with in- 
sects, and weak with heat. Everything 
grew too easily. The balance of Maat was 
missing. One lived in stupor and knew not. 

“It is true,” said Honey-Ball. “It is true 
except for those about whom it is not 
And she went on to tell me how her 
family, of twenty generations in the city of 
Sais, had had the pride to overcome the 
apathy of their swamp country. “Our de- 
sire,” she said, “is to stand in balance to 
our neighbors who know not.” Then I 
would be obliged to listen as she repeated, 
“Sesusi does not value me because I am 
from Sais.” The pit of this drear mood 
grew so deep that she decided to avenge 
herself against Usermare’s indifference, 
and for the next few nights she gave much 
to her rites, but, I must say, she reccived 
litle. Each night, she performed a ritual 
to Turn-the-Head-of-Usermare, and cried 
forth the names of gods with much weight, 
her voice quivering with exaltation. Yet 
next day, nothing had happened and the 
sum of all she had exhausted in herself, 
was most visible on her face. 

1 began to ask myself how any magician 
could turn His neck. Usermare was able to 
call on a thousand gods and goddesses. He 
had a myriad above, and now, after His 
marriage to Rama-Nefru, a Hittite myriad 
of gods below. 

Yet, each night, as I lay beside her, 
much as if her magic could turn my neck 
far better than our Pharaoh’s, I was not 
bored with her unhappy moods, and loved 
her. We could each drink in the others 
sorrow and shame. I would lie beside her, 
my face between her breasts, and they 
came to tell me of the solemnity and deep 
resolve of her heart unti not think 
she was silly for suffering over how she had 
injured her family. I was coming to under- 
stand that this family was raised higher in 
her heart than Usermare. In her two great 
breasts lived all that she would cherish, 
her father, her mother, her sisters, and 
myself. Feeling myself in her flesh, 1 
thought that if she were slow to stir, and 1 
might never again enjoy the liveliness and 
wickedness and love of the dance that 
women with small breasts might bring to 
bed, that could not weigh against our 
sweet deep silence, its warning in one's 
flesh that the love I would find in these 
heavy breasts would not be small nor soon 
pass. Listening to the secret intentions of 
her heart as its beat came to me out of the 
depth of her flesh, knew she had decided 
against all caution to trust me—which 
could only mean that she must work her 
spells from out of my heart as well as her 
own, bind us so closely that an error in any 
magic I learned could cause a great rent in 
hers. So I also knew that if I did not stand 
up straight away in the dark and leave her 
room, never to be alone with her again, I 
would lose the power to command what 
was left of my will. Yet so strong was the 
power of her heart that I felt no panic to 


move, and indeed, was a slave already, 
and close to her. 
б 

Finally, оп one night, she initiated me 
into these matters that are so full of 
trcachery and peril. For I knew the intent 
of our magic—it was our magic now— 
could be no less than to take away the 
strength of Usermare. 

Of course, if I were to be the great serv- 
ant of her magic, I must be ready to die. 
"That she told me often, and always added, 
“But no longer like a peasant.” No, now I 
must learn to die in the full regalia of 
embalming. Like the art of learning to kiss, 
death belonged to nobles. I used to laugh 
at her. Did I need this strengthening of the 
will?—I, who had looked at a thousand 
axes—but she knew better. She under- 
stood, as I would soon, that to die peacc- 
fully can be the most perilous way of all, 
since one must then be ready for the jour- 
ney through Khert Netcr. 

Over and over, she wished to assure me 
that no servant of her body and heart, cer- 
tainly not I, would lose Ma-Khrut's pro- 
tection. ther in this world nor in the 
next. I told her that in my boyhood, in my 
village, we knew it was only nobles and the 
very wealthy who could travel in the Land 
of the Dead with any hope of reaching thc 
Blessed Fields. For a poor peasant, the ser- 
pents encountered were so large, the fires 
so hot, and the cataracts so precipitous 
that it was simple prudence not to try, 
indeed never to think of it. Easier to rest. 
a sandy grave. Of course, as I also 
began to remember, many of our village 
dead did not accept such a rest, and came 
back as ghosts. They would pass through 
the village at night and talk to us in our 
dreams until the burial practice in my re- 
gion became so harsh as to cut off the head 
of a dead person and sever the feet. That 
way a ghost could not follow us. Some- 
times, we would even bury the head be- 
tween the knees and put a man's feet by 
his cars to confuse him altogether. She 
gave a silvery laugh when I told her this. 
"The light of the moon was in the tender- 
ness of her thoughts, whatever they were. 

It was then she rose from our bed, and 
picked up a sarcophagus no longer than 
my finger, yet Ma-Khrut's face and figure 
were painted upon the lid. Within was a 
mummy the size of a small caterpillar, so 
carefully wrapped in fine linen that it 
needed no resin, indecd, its touch was as 
agrecable as the petal of'a rose. I was hold- 
ing the carefully embalmed mummy of her 
little toe. Yet before I could so much as de- 
cide whether it was of great value, or 
disagreeable to behold, she began to speak 
of the travels of her little toe through the 
gates and fiery courses of the Land of the 
Dead, and when I babbled that I did not 
know how any part of the body, much less 
a toc, could travel by itself, she gave her 
silvery laugh once more. "By way of a 
ceremony known only in my home,” she 
said. “Sometimes those who are from Sais 
do not know so little," and she laughed 


again. “My family had the Ka of this toe 
betrothed to the Ka of a fat and wealthy 
merchant from Sais. Yes, they even pro- 
vided him with the appropriate rolls of 
papyrus.” I knew her well enough to 
understand she was serious, and at last she 
told me the tale. On receipt ofa letter from 
her mother, Honey-Ball learned that this 
merchant died on the night she lost her 
toe. So even as her toc was lying in its little 
bath of natron, so was the merchant lying 
in his large bath, and both of them to, 
be steeped for seventy days. Messages 
were exchanged to make certain they were 
wrapped on the same afternoon, and in- 
stalled in their separate sarcophagi, the 
large and the small, even on the same 
evening, the toe in Thebes, the fat mer- 
chant in Sais ten days’ travel away on the 
river, yet such is the natural indifference of 
the Ka to distance that her toe was ready 
to take the voyage to Khert Neter with him. 

Then Honey-Ball spoke of how her 
mother had assisted the fat man’s family 
during the preparations. “It is terrible 
when a family makes its wealth so quickly 
that no knowledge adheres to the gold. 
The widow couldn't name which rolls of 
papyrus to buy. Nor did she understand 
that she was obliged to buy the Chapter- 
of-the-Negative-Conlesston.”” 

“The-Chapter-of-the-Negative-Confes- 
sion,” I repeated wisely, but Honey 
knew I was as ignorant as the fat man’s 
family. 

“Yes,” she said, “the widow complained 
about the cost. She was stingy! Finally my 
mother had to pay for it herself. She was 
not about to let the Ka of my 


this fat man had bought a 
fession. The night before the funeral, my 
mother was obliged to hire two priests, 
and it took them until dawn to inscribe the 
Confession properly on thrice-blessed 
papyrus. But now at least the merchant 
could show all the gods, demons, and 
beasts that he was a good man. This 
papyrus testified that he had never com- 
mitted a sin. He had not killed any man or 
woman, nor stolen anything from any tem- 
ple. He had made no violation of the prop- 
erty of Amon. He had never uttered lies or 
curses, and no woman could declare he 
had committed adultery with her, any 
more than a man could say he had made 
love to other men. He had not lived with a 
heart full of rage, and he never eaves- 
dropped on neighbors. Neither had he 
stolen desirable land, nor slandered any- 
one, and he did not make love to himself. 
He had never refused to listen to the truth, 
and could swear that no water supposed to 
flow onto the property of others had been 
dammed up by him. He never blas- 
phemed. He had not even raised his voice. 
He had committed not a single one of the 
forty-two sins, not one. Most certainly he 
had never worked any witchcraft against 
the King.” 

Now Honey-Ball laughed with as much 


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PLAYBOY 


170 


pleasure in her voice as | ever heard. 
“Ailigh, Kazama, what a foul man we 
helped! There was no sin he did not com- 
mit. His reputation was so putrid that 
everybody in Sais called him Fekh-Futi, 
though not to his face. 

“Yet, do you understand," Honey-Ball 
said to me, “that the powers of this Nega- 
tive Confession are so great the Ka of my 
toe is safe?” She nodded. “In my dreams, 
that is what I am always told. Fekh- 
Futi thrives in the Land of the Dead, and 
my little toe beside him.” 

“Thrives?” I said to her. I was much 
confused. The night before, seeking to im- 
press me with how much wisdom she had 
acquired from these travels of her toe, she 
said that no priest could instruct me as 
well in what to say to the fiery beasts and 
the keepers of the gates. She not only knew 
the names of the serpents, but was familiar. 
with the apes and crocodiles on the banks 
of the Duad, and her Ka had spoken to 
lions with teeth of flame, as well as to 
lynxes with claws like swords. She could 
use the words of power to take you past 
lakes of burning oil and had learned the 
herbs to eat when travelling through the 
quicksand in the darkness beyond cach gate. 

“You're equal to the Royal Library of 
Usermare,” I said. 

“I would do all of this for you,” she told 
me. I could hear how much love was in her 


voice. She would, indeed, take true care of 
me in the Land of the Dead. She wished 
me to have no fear of that place. That way, 
I would have less terror in her ceremonies. 

I was now altogether confused. With it 
all, Fekh-Futi had been given one little 
Несе of papyrus full of lies, blessed by 
who knew which drunken priests fondling 
one another thfough the night, yet he was 
safe? He was forgiven? 

“Oh,” she said, "the thrice-blessed 
Negative Confession was not written for 
Fekh-Futi alone. It is also for the Ka of my 
little toe.” 

“Can you say that you have committed 
none of those forty-two sins?” 

“The virtue of the papyrus is not to be 
found in its truth but in the power of the 
family that purchases it," she admitted. 

Her words sat heavily on me. Ma-Khrut 
might claim to be able to do much for me, 
but thc more likely truth was that we were 
both in peril. 

I told her this. І hardly had to. She 
knew my thoughts. 

“We could be killed together." She said 
this calmly, even as we lay side by side in 
her bed, “Usermare could come through 
that door while I am listening to your 
heart.” 

“Why do you tell me thi 

"I want,” she said, “that you commit 
some prayers to memory for use in the 


“I used to ask myself, 
‘What can I do to help my fellow man?’ but 
I couldn't think of anything that wouldn't have put me 
to considerable inconvenience." 


Land of the Dead.” 

“Can I do it?” 

“It can be done.” 

“You have done it,” I agreed. 

Ma-Khrut might know how to memo- 
rize all the prayers she would need, but her 
memory was mightier than my muscles. I 
did not even feel the desire to try such 
feats. She might be as wise as the Royal 
Library, but she was also so stupid as not 
to know there was going to be no bath of 
natron for me. If He found me here, User- 
mare would cut my body into forty-two 
picces, and strew the parts. 

P 

As soon as I left her side and was back 
in my own house, I began to drink from a 
Jar of kolobi and soon swallowed most of it. 
The sad truth was that I did not even 
know if I wished to end in the Land of the 
Dead with her. Did I desire to be the eter- 
nal companion of a woman who had tasted 
the leavings of another man? 

Tt was then I knew how much I was 
married to Honey-Ball, and how much I 
was oppressed by her Even in my own 
room, I did not dare to have any thoughts. 
Saying this to myself, the near-empty jar of 
holobi in my hands, feeling as drunk as the 
Good and Great God Usermare, | made 
the circle forty-two times about my head 
and fell away from vertigo. The trials and 
of the Dead had 
my mind as the 
entrails on the battlefield of Kadesh. 

When I awoke next morning in the stu- 
pors of kolobi, I turned over on my bed and 
said to myself, “The evil spirits of the 
night are abroad.” For behind the protec- 
tion of my forty-two circles, I still hated 
Honey-Ball and was most happy with the 
few thoughts she could not reach. My 
mood was as sour as the taste of blood in 
the mouth. 

Still, that was not all of what I to 
myself. Aware of all the thoughts that she 
could certainly hear, | took pains to tell 
her of the love 1 held. Nor did I lie 
altogether. The recollection of what she 
had donc with Usermare was like a fire in 
my groin, but not all of the heat was evil. 

All this while, the cries of children play- 
ing outside my house were in my cars. 
How many there were! Retching over the 
ghost of the &olobi, 1 could hear (as I had 
never before) the sound of their games 
through the morning, larger even than the 
cries of the birds. These children's shouts 
flew in all directions. Now I heard them as 
they bathed in the pools and chased the 
geese, or climbed high in the trees to talk 
to thc birds. Over my head came a gabble 
of nurses scolding, mothers scolding, long 
whimpers and every kind of laughter, 
all these children, every onc, sons and 
daughters of Usermare. Watching, there 
were tears in my eyes as strange and swect 
as a fall of rain in a desert. 1 was moved by 
the observation that Honey-Ball was one 
of the few little queens who had not 
borne any of Usermare's children. Could 
it be that she was one who did not love 


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His loins, and might, in truth, prefer mine? 
I felt so close at this instant that I could 
hate her no longer. She had been ready, 
after all, to die with me. 

So, if I had awakened with every 
oppression, now I could breathe again. 
My heart stirred at her generosity. It was 
as if I understood, and for the first time, 
how no one could provide for my future 
travels so well as this woman. It brought 
me to understand the true power of a fami- 
ly. As Ra had His godly boat for travel 
through the dark river of the Duad, so 
were a wife and children our own golden 
vessel on such a trip. Honey-Ball and I 
had been wed by the secret ceremony of 
marriage—knowing each other's buttocks, 
we shared the property of our flesh. Now, I 
would have children with her. Yes, I told 
myself, we must escape from these Gar- 
dens. I would flee with her to the Eastern 
Desert. From there, we might travel to 
New Tyre. How could we fail to prosper in 
such a curious city with her great knowl- 
edge? 

It was then I remembered the story 
Heqat told of the ugly woman who kept 
her husband free of every disease, and I 
laughed aloud. Honey-Ball’s face could be 
beautiful, and her body was as great as the 
wealth of Uscrmarc, yet I knew she must 
be the ugly woman of whom Heqat had 
spoken. I would never suffer any ill while 
living with her, nor would our children. 
She would protect them all. So I loved her 
for these riches and could not sleep for the 
clarity of the sentiments I felt. 1 could 
smell the keen air of every morning we 
would know in the mountains on the long 
road from Megiddo to Tyre, and even the 
perils appealed to me as pleasures. I could 
show Ma-Khrut the resources of my knowl- 
edge once we werc in the forests. More 
than ever before, [ felt bold as a god. 

On the next night, therefore, in the 
sweet silence that followed love, full of 
honor, and most content that we had 
embraced for once without any ceremony 
of magic, but had come forth in all the 
quiet yearning of a brother and sister, I 
held her face between my hands, much 
aware of the great sky above where the 
gods might be listening, and whispered of 
how we would yet be wed and live with 
many children. But as I spoke, I knew the 
perils of the journey, for I perceived how 
much we would need her magic to reach 
any other land. 

She answercd, “It is better here.” 

Ihada clear view through her eyes ofall 
she would give up: the jars and boxes that 
held her amulets, her powders and her 
animal skins. She saw them as equal to a 
city, even as the fortress of her powers, but 
so soon as I was ready to tell her that she 
would have all of that again in another 
place, she asked, “How dear will children 
beto you?” 

“We must have many.” 

"Then you do not want to run away 
with me," she said. Her eye had no tears 
and her voice no sorrow as she told the 


story, yet when she finished, she began to 
weep. The child of Usermare had been in 
her belly, she said. And she had lost that 
child, her first child, on the night User- 
mare cut off her toe. 

“1 do not believe that,” | said. 

“It is truc. I lost the child, and I lost 
what was in me to make other children." 
Her voice was as firm as the roots of the 
largest tree in the Gardens of the Secluded, 
“That,” she said, "is the true reason | 
grew fat.” 

In the pain of listening to her, my 
thoughts ran past like riderless horses. 

She got up from the bed and lit a pot of 
incense. With every smoke 1 took into my 
throat, I had the certainty that my life was 
shorter by each one of these scents, and the 
hour of my most unlucky hour was coming 
in, even as my breath was going out. On 
the inside of her belly would my last seed 
expire. 

Unable to bear the misery of our silence, 
I began to make love to her again, but felt 
thick with stupor, and I came forth into 
the muddy banks of the Duad and lay be- 
side her, wondering whether the power of 
the circle drawn forty-two times around 
my head might kecp her from knowing 
how foul were the pits of my mood. 

She did not speak, but upon us, sour as 
the odor of ald blood, was the weight of her 
purposes. No love would ever be so near as 
the triumph of her craft. Lying silently by 
her side, I spent the night waiting for that 
hour before the dawn when I must leave. I 
did not wish to stay, but the depth of her. 
thoughts (which I could not enter) lay 
upon me like the carcass of a beast, and 
indeed we passed the night like two much- 
wounded animals. 

Yet, in this last interval before I left, she 
allowed me to come close once more to her 
thoughts. As a traveler on a barge can lis- 
ten to the murmurings of the Nile and 
know the spirit of the water, so did I per- 
ceive that she was searching through her 
wisdom for a ritual that could strike User- 
mare with force. 

Now was I surprised in the morning 
when I returned to her house and the 
eunuchs were busy cleaning her altar. This 
gave me so much uneasiness that I visited 
her again despite any attention this might 
cause and by the nature of her prep: 
tions, | saw that she was preparing an 
Address to Isis. 

Honey-Ball had spoken of how solemn 
was this invocation of the Great Goddess 
and now I was moved by the seriousness of 
her choice. The decision was as bold as my 
own plan to escape, and a breath of love 
returned. My daring might have inspired 
hers. So I passed over all food offered to 
me this day, touching neither melon nor 
beans nor goose, and went early.to the 
house of Honey-Ball. It was common to 
take my dinner with one or another little 
queen, even a good omen. The appearance 
of the Governor might induce a visit by 
Usermare Himself On this evening, 
however, neither I nor Honey-Ball took 


more than a dish of cooked wheat on a 
plate made of papyrus. Then, in full view 
of her eunuchs, and of any little queens 
strolling by the house, 1 left, even lingering 
in the lane outside her walls while I spoke 
to other little queens and waited for the 
darkness. There would be no moon, and a 
visit by the Pharaoh was unlikely. As soon 
as the eunuchs of Нопеу-Ва were dis- 
missed, I came back over the wall. 

Honey-Ball was wearing white sandals 
and a gown of transparent linen. Her per- 
fume spoke of white roses and her breath 
was sweeter than her perfume. I wondered 
if it was the presence of Isis rising from the 
wheat we had eaten. Honey-Ball had a 
breath that could come forth like a blos- 
som, or reek of foul curses, and on many а 
night, I knew the stench of the Duad. On 
this evening, however, her breath was 
calm, and the red amulet of Isis she wore 
about her waist gave her composure. 

Soon, she entered upon the invocation. 
Honey-Ball would call upon Isis in the 
voice of Usermare's father, the Pharaoh 
Seti the First. Ma-Khrut might be 
esteemed by many powers and spirits, but 
only a Pharaoh would be admitted to those 
clevations where Isis dwelled and, indeed, 
Honey-Ball had found a spell in the Royal 
Library of Usermare that would call forth 
the full powers of the Goddess if spoken by 
a King. So she must summon the Ka ofa 
dead Pharaoh. Enveloped in His presence, 
she could speak to Isis. 

She stepped outside the circle, therefore, 
to remove her gown, opened a chest, and 
took out a white skirt appropriate to a 
Pharaoh as well as golden sandals, and a 
golden chest plate large enough to cover 
her breasts. Then, ю my astonishment, 
she opened another chest and withdrew a 
Double Crown of fine stiff linen made, I 
realized, by her own hands, and it was 
more than a cubit in height. She placed 
this upon her head, with a chin beard to 
her mouth, and by the time she stepped 
back into the circle and installed the red 
amulet on the altar, her face had trans- 
formed itself as well. The shape of her full 
mouth had altered into the stern lips of 
Seti—at least as 1 knew him by many a 
temple drawing. 

While I lay on my back, head against 
the altar and her foot upon my chest (so 
that I looked up at a body and face as 
fierce and as massive as the great Pharaoh 
who had been the Father of Usermare) 
Honey-Ball began to recite a poem: 


“Four elements 

In their scattered parts, 
Will bring their hearts 
To these events, 
May the Ka of Seti come to birth, 
May the Ka of Seti know our earth. 


Air, water, earth, fire, 
Seed, root, tree, fruit, 
Breathe, drown, bury, 
Air, water, fire, ear 
O Seti, come to ти 


birth, 


She said it, and lying beneath her, 1 


PLAYBOY 


174 


repeated each word, our voices in unison, 
and the lines were said many times. As she 
spoke, she took pinches of incense from a 
bowl on the altar, and laid them on the 
pots so that the room was heavy with 
smoke, and the heat of her heart rose high- 
er, and the weight of her foot was greater. 
Her voice moved through air so thick her 
breath shifted the smoke like clouds. 

“O, You,” she said, “Who were the 
greatest of Pharaohs and sits at the feet of 
Osiris with Khufu and Thutmose, You 
Who are the Father of the Great Uscr- 
mare, know, then, the sound of this voice 
that calls to You, for I am Ma-Khrut of 
Sais, who was born in Your Reign 

“Great Seti, Greatest ofall Pharaohs, let 
Yourself be known by Your Power, by 
Your Rage, and by the Glories of Your 
Reign. For Your Son, Usermare, has tom 
down Your Temple in Thebes. He has 
turned all the great words to the wall that 
are spoken of His Father Seti. In these 
Temples, praise for His Father is silent. 
The stones have been choked. If You hear 
me, may Your Ka descend upon me like a 
tent." She was silent. Then she said, “O, 
Seti, come to me.” 

She spoke in the clear and perfect 
tongue of a Pharaoh, her left hand point- 
ing out before her North to the altar, North 
to the lands of Sais on the Delta, and 1 felt 
the Ka of the dead Monarch descend upon 
her like a tent of the lightest linen. I saw 
how the green circle on the floor burned 
with the red of the amulet on the altar. The 
cries of birds came across the silence of the 
sky from the time of Seti, and I sat up so 


that the hand of the Father of Usermare 
could grasp my hair and indeed my hair 
was seized, and I felt the great force of the 
Father of Usermare in the hand that was 
on my hair, and it lay like the weight of a 
bronze statue upon me. 

Then I heard the voice of the Ka of Seti. 
He spoke to Isis: “Oh, Great Goddess,” 
said this voice, “You are the Mother of our 
grain, and the Lady of our bread. You are 
the Goddess of all that is Green. You are 
stronger than all the Temples of Amon.” 
Now a mist arose from the altar, and a 
smell of the sweetness of the fields was in 
the air. “The Moon,” said the voice of the 
Ka of Seti, “is Your Temple. All moun- 
tains come down to You. The swamps flow 
at Your command.” 

High above the hand that gripped my 
head, I could hear Ma-Khrut speak in the 
voice of the Ka of Seti: 

“Great Goddess, hear the shame of Seti 
the First. For His Son shifts the stones of 
His Temple. The blocks of marble are 
turned. The glories that have been written 
of Seti are turned to the wall. What has 
been to the front is now to the back.” 

“Itis true,” I said aloud. 

“Old odors stir from these stones. They 
speak from the earth that has buried them. 
Let these stones fall upon Ramses. Let His 
Heart be crushed by the stones of Seti.” 

Waves went out from the Ka of Seti and 
passed through me, and great contortions 
of the flesh. 

“Your mouth commands Ва. The Moon 
is Your Temple. All mountains come down 
to You. 


“Ts that all I am to you, Eddie—exercise?” 


On the altar, the amulet was glowing 
with a molten light white as the fires of 
metal. Now, I could not breathe. The altar 
trembled and tottered and crashed like the 
stones of the Temple of Seti. The cry ofa 
captured bird shrieked in my cars, and 1 
s shaken by a great fury. I felt the Ka of 
Seti pass from her to me, even as the altar 
had toppled, and though I had been told 
by every one of her instructions that I 
must remain motionless at the end (and 
thereby assist the departure of Isis) and 
then must thank the Ka of Seti, I made a. 
sound instead like a beast, and the Ka of 
Seti that was in me became as fierce as a 
wild boar. There, beside the shattered 
altar, I mounted Honey-Ball and made 
love as never before, and she was as sweet 
beneath me as a young girl of the fields, 
and even as I came forth in a great voi 
(so that in the morning, more than one | 
tle queen would say the serpent of all evil 
must have traversed the Gardens last 
night), still, I knew that the hands of the 
thousand and one Gods who surrounded 
Usermare were no longer joined. For in 
the sound of my own great roar was the 
voice of Seti thundering in wrath at the 
overturning of the stones in His Temple, 
and I made love in a fury to Ma-Khrut, 
and turned her about so as to know cach. 
mouth, the Mouth of her Flower, the 
Mouth of her Fish, the Mouth of the Seat, 
and gave both of my two mouths to her so 
that she knew me well. Beyond the walls of 
the Secluded, in the great plazas and gar- 
dens of the High Palace and the Little 
Palace, out to the city of Thebes itself, and 
down to the river, I could feel the wrath of 
Seti enter the mutilated stones of the new 
temples, and Usermare was disturbed in. 
His calm, like the water of the sca before a 
storm. 

Yet when all was done, Honey-Ball said, 
“I do not know what happened. The Ka of 
Seti the First was not supposed to pass 
from me to you.” 


w 


. 
By the next evening, however, there was 
no one in the Gardens who had not heard 
what had come upon the Pharaoh. Visit- 
ing the Palace of Nefertiri in the middle of 
the day, He had been eating with His 
Queen when a butler spilled on Him a 
bow! of steaming soup. The servant fled to 
the kitchen pursued by the King’s Guard 
who, hearing the Pharaoh’s roars of pain, 
proceeded to beat the poor steward so bru- 
tally that he died before the sun went 
down. Among the Secluded, there was no 
end of talking on this matter, and Honey- 
Ball laughed with the sweetest gaiety I had 
heard in her voice for many weeks. “The 
powers of Isis work directly,” she said. 


The second part of the excerpt of “Ancient 
Evenings” will appear next month. 


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PLAYBOY 


176 


(continued from page 100) 


“They had obtained his Sunday-school attendance 
record. It showed perfect attendance for 12 years.” 


When I knew him during the period of 
the interview, there were no paranoiac 
tics, no rolling up in an embryonic ball, no 
coke habit to dwarf all other elements of 
his life. Hc was able to attend to the super- 
ficial niceties of existence to the extent that 
I thought of him as a friend. That was the 
period of Johnny Wadd's greatest success, 
with literally hundreds of Holmes films 
lighting up the splattered screens of peep 
shows and theaters across the country. 

But looking back at the interview, I am 
reminded of a man who was shown a Ror- 
schach blot by his shrink and was asked 
what he saw. “I see the penumbra of a 
silhouette of a shadow of a simulacrum of 
a puppet.” Holmes keeps fading beneath a 
mask of mendacity and dissemblance. 

Take, for example, the question of his 
early years: 


GOLDSTEIN: At what age did you be- 
come aware that you were "abnor- 
mally" large? 

HOLMES: When I was eight. When Г 
lived in Florida with my aunt, she was 
always running to Europe to get mar- 
ried or get divorced. . .. | had a Swiss 
nursemaid. And whenever ту 


aunt was out of town, she would give 
me head. She taught me to give head. 
It was just great. I loved it. We had 
this huge house all to ourselves. We 
had a gardener and a cook and a but- 
ler, altogether, and then we had a 
maid who cleaned the place. . . . 


I now know the entire aunt story to be 
fabricated. Being charitable, I can imagine 
the famous Johnny Wadd's contriving the 
ruse to shield his family from the awful 
truth. But it is odd how conveniently the 
ruse aligned with — Holmes's self 
aggrandizement, his need for a more 
romantic, less mundane personal history. 
Yet, at times, the adjustments of reality in 
the intervicw were such that they em- 
braced typical American-male fantasies: 


GOLDSTEIN: Did you have any sexual 
experiences involving . .. the girls you 
went to school with? 

HOLMES: Oh, yeah. I fucked a lot in 
high school. I think I got everybody 
but three girls in my class, and then 
the class before, quite a few of "em; 
and then the senior class ahead of me, 
T got most of them. 


“Understand, when I speak of Internal 


Revenue, Miss Lavern, I’m тей 


ing to the Federal 


Government, not your earnings.” 


I have spoken with a woman from 
Holmes’s high school, the head of the 
alumni association, an ex-cheerleader, 
Miss Popularity. She graduated the same 
year Holmes would have. She didn’t re- 
member him, she said when I called her, 
but she was going toa meeting later in the 
day to organize the 20th class reunion. She 
would ask the people there. When I got 
back to her, she reported that Holmes was 
in none of the yearbooks. One girl had 
vaguely remembered his “walking to 
school all the time.” This was in a grad- 
uating class of fewer than 100 people. 

It was then that I decided to check 
gs out myself—at a place I usually 
make it a point to fly over, preferably 
aslecp while cruising at high altitude. 


. 

Ohio is, for me, an utterly foreign and 
almost surreal sector of America. Listen- 
ing to news reports in Columbus on New 
Year's Day, I heard that the year before, 
there had been four murders on the first 
day of the new year in that city alone. The 
locals were evidently tuned in to their. 
radios to see if the record would be broken. 
The murder vigil sounded like something 
cut of the South Bronx. The countryside 
around Columbus impoverished, 
blank, vaguely menacing. 

It was into that almost border-state en- 
vironment that John Holmes was born, as 
John Curtis Estes, on August 8, 1944. Two 
years later, the birth certificate was cor- 
rected to list the child's name as John Cur- 
tis Holmes. The original listed Carl L. 
Estes, railroad laborer, as father. The cor- 
rection listed no father at all, though thc 
man from whom John took his surname 
was evidently a carpenter named Edward 
Holmes. John seems to have been born 
and raised in rural, depressed Pickaway 
County without anyone's particularly re- 
marking upon his existence. The only man 
I could find who remembered the Holmes 
dan told of the large family "across the 
tracks. . . . We used to call that type of 
folks something that rhymes with ‘might 
clash,’ ” he said, The only remarkable in- 
formation about Holmes's Ohio upbring- 
ing was to come later, from his lawyers. 
They had obtained his Sunday-school 
attendance record. It showed perfect 
attendance for 12 years. I got goose bumps 
when I heard that, as a quote from the 
Screw interview surfaced in my conscious- 
ness: "It's totally insane," Holmes had 
said. “The perfect child that always goes 
to church and goes out and cuts 50 peo- 
ple’s throats.” 

The Ohio experience merely deepened 
my depression and added to the list of. 
shadow figures I was tracking. John Curtis 
Estes, born in rural-Ohio poverty. John 
Curtis Holmes, perfect Bible student. 
Johnny Holmes, allaround good guy, a 
sculptor, a Greenpeace supporter, in love 
with women, a man who just happened to 
be the proud owner of one of the largest. 
schlongs in the world. Johnny Wadd, porn 
star/private dick/tough. 


was 


And there was the rumor that circulated 
later, in the mid-Seventies, that proved 
what a chameleon the Holmes persona 
was. The rumor was to the effect that John 
Holmes was actually Ken Osmond, the 
actor who played Eddie Haskell on the old 
Leave It to Beaver television series. 
Osmond does resemble Holmes to some 
degree, and people were obviously indulg- 
ing in an irresistible poetic justice in be- 
lieving that Eddie Haskell had ended up a 
porn star. Osmond even sued the distribu- 
tors of Holmes’s films in an attempt to halt 
the rumor, and the whole bizarre situation 
concludes with a twisted irony; Osmond is 
now a Los Angeles cop. 

My desultory investigations were inter- 
rupted when, on November 30, 1981, 
Holmes was arrested in a Florida hotel on 
a fugitive warrant from California. He was 
taken in on a charge unrelated to the 
Laurel Canyon murders but on December 
ninth, as soon as he was extradited to Los 
Angeles, he was charged in the deaths. 
Three days later, I flew out to sec him. 

What I found was a terrified man look- 
ing out at me from behind the thick prison 
Plexiglas with strangely bulging eyes. It 
seemed astounding to me that this was the 
man I had idolized in those flickering 
screenings all those years. He wore a non- 
descript uniform and complained wearily, 
when we spoke on the phone intercom, of 
the lousy prison food and the lack of bail. 1 
resisted an impulse to ask him whether or 
not the famous Holmes cock was heing 
used in jail. Even at that meeting, as long 
as he managed to hold together the man- 
gled shreds of his personality, we were 
comfortable with each other. I was moved. 
and slightly astonished when John asked 
me how my son was, by name, after what 
was nearly a seven-year gap in our rela- 
tionship. Again, the appearance of a 
Holmes I could not possibly imagine com- 
mitting murder: 2 man who remembered 
the name of my child, casually mentioned, 
years later. It put our meeting on a basis of 
ndship. I don’t have the investigative 
reporter's aggression, so I worked the con- 
versation gingerly around to the question 
of the murders. It was a mistake. 

I had thought that the best way to find 
out what went on that July morning was to 
talk to contacts in the Los Angeles porn 
world. It's a tightly knit community, but I 
found that it had turned its back on its 
favorite son with surprising alacrity. The 
murders, coming after a year or two of be- 
havior made erratic by coke, made Holmes 
a pariah in his own back yard. 

1 finally connected with someone who 
had only good to say about him. Bill Mar- 
gold is a talent scout/actor/producer in 
X-rated movies and loops, a self-styled ren- 
aissance man of porn. His agency has its 
offices in the crumbling Cineart Building 
on Sunset Boulevard, across from the 
Chinese Theatre, and from there, Margold 
had placed Holmes in a number of films. 
He told a story of giving him $1500 up 
front for a one-day shoot in a swimming 


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PLAYBOY 


178 


pool. When the temperature of the pool 
proved to be too cold for the Wadd's lik- 
ing, he backed out of the shoot. "He 
actually gave me back the $1500," Mar- 
gold recalled. “All of it and at once. After 
that, no one can tell me that Holmes isn't a 
straight guy." With a final touch of irony, 
Margold noted that the Cineart Building, 
with its fading Chandleresque glamor, is 
owned by Eddie Nash. 

I had no idca where to fit Nash into the 
mosaic. Police identified him as a suspect 
in the case, and authorities hammered 
away at the Nash-Holmes connection. 

“I have personally heard of his [Nash's] 
name since the mid-Seventies,” Bob 
Schirn, the head of the L.A. district attor- 
ney's organized-crime-and-narcotics divi- 
sion, told the L.A. Herald Examiner. “1 
know of law-enforcement interest in him at 
that time.” 

But Nash's actual appearances in court 
had been few, and he'd been lucky. A. 
pandering charge was thrown out of court 
in 1969, and of that complicated arson- 
and-mail-fraud scheme in 1982 in which 
only Nash was acquitted, the prosecutor in 
the case says, “We would have liked to 
convict all of them, but the jury didn’t 
agree that Nash financed it." 

Even his age is a mystery. At one trial, 
Nash’s psychologist claimed that Nash 
had him three birth datcs, making 
him 60, 52 or 5% years old. All that is 
known for sure that Nash opened a 
sandwich stand called Beefs Chuck in 
1960 on Hollywood Boulevard and somc- 
how built it into a million-dollar empire of 
night clubs, strip joints and restaurants. 
“Нез pure power,” says Ron Coen, the 
prosecutor in the Laurel Canyon case. 
“He’s an intelligent man, just by the fact 
that he makes successes out of all these 
businesses.” 

Nash was involved in a high-wire- 
balancing act; he had been charged but 
never convicted. The stakes for which he 
played were always high, and Holmes was 
Just one of the players. One scenario put 
forth by the police on the Nash-Holmes 
connection had Nash fronting coke to the 
Laurel Canyon group—of which Holmes 
was a member—and taking stolen proper- 
ty in return as collateral. But there was 
another connection that police were pur- 
suing, one that was much more ominous. 

Two nights before the Laurel Canyon 
massacre, Nash's house on Dona Lola 
Place in nearby Studio City was burglar- 
ized and Nash was robbed. Later, in court 
testimony, David Lind would admit that 
he, Deverell, Ronald Launius and an 
associate named Tracy McCourt had 
pulled off the break-in with tactical and 
logistical help from Holmes. Holmes 
mapped out tlic floor plan at Dona Lola 
Place, rehearsed the burglary, insisted it 
was a good mark. Nash was something of a 
porno groupie—who else do you take to 
parties to impress people like John Be- 
lushi?—and an intense relationship had 
grown up between him and Holmes. 


Holmes went to Nash's house the evening 
of the burglary and unlocked a sliding 
door. Then he went to the Wonderland 
Avenue house and awaited the results. 

It worked like a dream. Deverell, 
Launius and Lind entered through the 
door Holmes had left open, flashing fake 
badges to confuse Diles (it didn't take 
much). McCourt waited in the getaway 
car while, inside, Launius seemed to de- 
light in terrorizing the inhabitants. The 
burn had differing results. It netted a 
cache of drugs, $20,000 in currency, some 
jewelry. Holmes got 12 and a half percent 
of that. It also led police to suspect that the 
later murders were the result of vengeance 
and that Holmes, with his obvious connec- 
tions, had either led the murderers into the 
house or participated himself. 

The level of violence in the deaths 
appalled me and gave me a peculiar sense 
of dislocation. I could not connect Holmes 
to it; it was too macabre, too distant from 
the soft-spoken schlong owner I had idol- 
ized. 1 decided to attend the trial in one 
more effort to get a handle on Laurel 
Canyon, Holmes and my own feclings of 
relative sanity. 


. 

To get my bearings, 1 mentally listed 
three trials that would help me get through 
this one. My own Federal trial, in Kansas 
City in 1976, was for obscenity and tied 
into the sensationalism ofthe Holmes case. 
Reporters, I found then, couldn't pass by a 
chance to turn up their shit-stained little 
noses at porn, even while using it to lend 
their stories a trumped-up appeal. The 
Holmes trial also coincided with the start 
of the Hinckley trial, tagged by the press 
as another saga of love and madness. ‘The 
Patty Hearst case, replete with elements of 
coercion and forced wrongdoing, com- 
pleted the trio of precedent-setting trials 
that prepared me for this one. 

Throughout the preliminary hearings, 
Holmes sat with his attorneys, lool 
alternately haggard and flip, uncomfort- 
able in a Sears, Roebuck leisure suit 
While the reporters from the Los Angeles 
Times, the Herald Examiner and the Daily 
Neus attentively took notes, I felt curiously 
dazed by the proceedings, as if the court- 
room atmosphere had lobotomized me. All 
I could think about was cocks. 

Penis size, when it comes right down to 
it, is basically a concept of the rational 
mind. It is quantitative, safely within the 
orderly realm of reason. In a society 
thought-obsessed and feeling-poor, it 
seems perfectly all right to measure a 
man’s sex in inches. The finite mind of the 
male reasoner is comfortable with this 
because he can grasp it, anally control it. 
Seen from the intuitive, emotional, female 
side, though, the whole concept seems 
ludicrous. Thatside wantssoul, passion, ex- 
uberance—those messy, qualitative things 
that push sex into the realm of mystery. 

Holmes, therefore, could be considered 


a victim of a society that could not see 
body as body but, instead, saw it as 12 and 
three quarters inches when fully erect. The 
Gloria Steinems of the world had finally 
got what they wanted: a male sex object. I 
tried to imagine the weariness with which 
he looked at the world. For anyone with a 
foot-long cock, everyone else was a size 
queen. 

Secing Holmes in the courtroom, bulb- 
ous and tic-ridden, in that pathetic mail- 
order double knit made mc realize that if I 
had that shvantz, 1 wouldn't be Al Gold- 
stein. l'd get used to standing in the shad- 
ow of a huge cock, and pretty soon I'd be 
a shadow. Just like John Holmes. 

‘The months on the lam could have been 
the best of his life. That was the theory, 
anyway. "I grew a great big ugly beard 
and hung out,” he said. Freed from the 
onus of his cock, Holmes was finally un- 
burdened of his public identity. He could 
have penetrated the real anonymity of 
America, the anonymity of characters in 
Kerouac and Twain. And he did lose him- 
self for a while in the wastes of Montana, 
visiting his sister, changing the plates of 
his car (legally, oddly enough) and paint- 
ing ita different color. When the cops were 
tipped to his presence in Miami, they 
found him working as a handyman at a 
local hotel. 

Of course, this romantic vision of a 
glans on the run fails to take into account 
the ultimate terror of Holmes's position. 
He had left Los Angeles, he said, because 
he had been shot at. It's difficult to fix the 
source of the shots. McCourt—as revenge 
for the finger? Lind—in the name of Bar- 
bara Lec? Eddie Nash? Holmes wasn't ii 
clined to name names. 

"There are good guys, bad guys and the 
in-between, and they are all out for me, 
one way or another," his wife had quoted 
him as saying in an interview she gave to 
the Los Angeles Times. That wife was 
another revelation to me. She seemed to 
have dropped from the sky into the Times 
and was, even then, filing for divorce. I 
was astonished to find out they had been 
married for 17 years, though no onc in the 
X-rated biz had known about it. 

I recalled Holmes railing against mar- 
riage in the Screw interview: “ 
wrong. And it always gets messy with mar- 
riage. You can't break it of. One out of a 
thousand marriages breaks off beautiful- 
lj" I wonder how the former Sharon 
Gebenini, married to Holmes for all of 
cight years when he said those words, felt 
about them. According to her Times inter- 
view, Sharon was getting out because 
Holmes had run up $30,000 in “household 
debts” by charging goods to credit cards 
and then selling them for cash. She also 
spoke of his fear of Nash, 
Holmes had called him “evil incarnate.” 

The trial itself left Holmes caught be- 
tween a cock and a hard place. If he tes- 
tified, he feared, he would be killed as a 


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stool pigeon, a canary, a rat—part of the 
menagerie of the informer. If he didn't tes- 
tify, he would be tried for murder—and 
mass murder and murder committed dur- 
ing a robbery are both capital crimes in 
California. He would testify and die or lie 
and fry. The prosecution, I was relieved to 
hear, was not asking for the death penalty, 
but only because it didn't think it could get 
it. Juries don't like greedy prosecutors. 

The preliminary hearing didn't go in 
Holmes's favor. Lind and McCourt, the 
surviving Dona Lola burglars, testified, 
as did Frank Tomlinson, who was to be 
the most controversial witness of all. A 
robbery/homicide detective, he claimed to 
have taken a sketchy confession from 
Holmes the previous December, though he 
failed either to tape it or to corroborate it 
by having another cop in the room. He 
told the court he had feared spooking 
Holmes and had assumed, mistakenly, 
that hed later be able to get а formal con- 
fession. 

Nevertheless, his account was damag- 
ing: He said that Holmes admitted that he 
had taken the murderers to the Wonder- 
land Avenue house but strongly denied 
that he had done any of the killing himself. 
By his own account, Holmes had been the 
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son, because Nash wanted revenge and 
had threatened him and his family. Like a 
jigsaw puzzle, the pieces of Tomlinson's 
testimony fit snugly with what Lind and 
McCourt said about the burglary. Susan 
Launius—frail, motor-impaired but still 
pretty—also took the stand, sticking by 
her three-shadowy-figures story. 

"Through all this, the Shadow Man him- 
self sat silent, exchanging hate stares with. 
Lind but refusing to testify. When it was 
over, Judge Nancy Brown decided that 
there was enough evidence to justify the 
charges against Holmes. Brown appointed 
the firm of Hansen and Egers to defend 
him before Superior Court Judge Betty Jo 
Sheldon. Earl Hansen and Mitchell Egers 
were both USC Law School graduates and 
ex-L.A. prosecutors. They made an effec- 
tive team: Hansen, the articulate, dapper, 
gray-haired senior partner, the eloquent 
debater and consummate strategist; Egers, 
the Jewish intellectual in glasses, the law 
mechanic. Hansen had made his name in 
capital-punishment defense with the case 
of William Bonin, the so-called Freeway 
Killer accused of murdering 21 people. 

Prosecutor Coen, a stocky, square- 
shouldered man who wore the sleeves of 
his shirts too long, reminded me of a white 
Jim Brown. His strategy in the case 


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seemed straightforward enough: Scare the 
fuck out of Holmes and force him to finger 
the real killers. Until he does, keep the 
pressure up, to the point of trying to prove 
that Holmes actually killed someone that 
morning at Wonderland Avenue. 

Hansen and Egers had their hands tied 
from the beginning. Holmes's fear of the 
murderers was such that he was talking 
even less now than he had when he was 
questioned by police in July. Hansen gave 
а few smoke-screen interviews to the press, 
saying that he was “encouraging” Holmes 
to take the stand on his own behalf. He be- 
lieved Holmes would be destroyed if he 
testified, but he also knew that if the pros- 
ecution thought it was going to get a 
chance at Holmes on the stand, it might 
neglect other aspects ofits case. “John s 
from the outset that he did not wish to tes- 
tify,” Hansen would say later. Holmes's 
timidity (or good sense) notwithstanding, 
the defense attorneys put out cautious fei 
ers about immunity in exchange for testi- 
mony, only to have the move explode in 
their faces when the defendant issued a 
public statement from jail vetoing the idea. 
“1 have not agreed to testify against any- 
one," Holmes stated. 

. 

It was difficult to tell just who was on 
trial during the opening arguments. Egers 
said that “fingers of guilt" pointed to 
Nash; Hansen was quoted as saying that 
Nash was a “specter” in the proceedings; 
even the prosecution claimed the murders 
were Nash's revenge. "It's not a question 
of *Who done it?”” wailed Egers, “but of 
"Why aren't the perpetrators here?" 

The lone witness that first Thursday of 
the trial was Lind, the Sacramento bounty 
hunter (though he denied the tag) who, by 
chance, left the Wonderland Avenue house 
hours before the murder, supposedly just. 
to "wander around.” Asked on the stand 
for his occupation, Lind said, simply and 
fiercely, “1 rob.” In concise terms, he told 
the court about the burglary at Nash's 
home that set up the murders. Nash's 
huge, blubbery bodyguard, Diles, had 
whimpered to the floor after Launius gun 
accidentally discharged and left Diles with 
a powder burn on his thigh. You got the 
idea that Diles was one of those people 
who would kill for Nash cven if Nash 
were dead. The primal image of the bur- 
glary, though, was of Nash on his knees, 
praying for his life to be spared for the sake 
of his children. 

The first of a string of rulings against 
Holmes and his lawyers came when the 
trial resumed the following Monday. Yes, 
the judge said, a 30-minute video tape 
of the murder scene made just hours after 
the bludgeoned bodies were discovered 
was admissible as evidence. Yes, the still 
pictures made at the same time could also 
be shown. Judge Sheldon overruled Egers' 
plea that the tape and the photos would in- 
flame the jury. It was the first time in the 
history of American jurisprudence that a 


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video tape of a murder scene was allowed 
as evidence at a criminal trial. 

In the darkened courtroom, I watched 
the monitor while the tape was played 
The gruesomeness of the scenes seemed 
not to affect the irony of the situation. 
Holmes, star of a thousand loops and 
video tapes, was being hoisted by the same 
technology that had made him famous. 
Somehow, however, the lousy technical 
quality of the tape, the graininess and the 
gaudiness of the color brought out the film 
reviewer in me. The carnage did not move 
me. I watched Holmes as the camera 
panned in on the brutalized body of Bar- 
bara Lee Richardson, lodged between a 
couch and a table on the floor of the living 
room. Had Holmes watched this woman 
being murdered? 1 allowed my imagination 
to play with that thought. But it came 
home to me only when I saw the stills, 
their freeze-frame clarity: The images 
were those of the death camp—inhuman, 
vomit-inducing. 

The next day, there was yet another rul- 
ing against Holmes: Robbery/homicide 
detective Tom Lange was allowed to tes- 
tify about Holmes’s being tailed to Nash’s 
home. According to Lange, Holmes had a 
closer relationship with Nash than with 
the burglary ring. He visited Nash repeat- 
edly afler the murders, once less than two 
hours after telling Detective Tomlinson 
that he had let the murderers into the 
Wonderland Avenue house out of fear of 
Nash. 1 couldn't help wondering the ob- 
vious: If the murderers were going to bru- 
tally murder four people (an attempted 
five), why not add Holmes, the only 
ness, as another—unless he was allied 
with the murderers himself? What if 
Holmes hadn’t set Nash up at all; what if 


he had murdered one of the victims him- 
self, as police theorized? 

And then, the next day, came the ruling 
that pulled the floor out from under the 
rug the defense thought it was standing on. 
Sheldon ruled that Hansen and Egers 
could not defend Holmes with the argu- 
ment that he had been coerced into 
cooperating with the murderers. Detective 
"Tomlinson once again testified about the 
private, untaped conversation he had had 
with Holmes, when Holmes had told him 
that Nash had gotten hold of Holmes's 
address book, copied the names of his rela- 
tives and told him they would be killed if 
Holmes informed on Nash to the police. 
Taking the defense by surprise, Sheldon 
ruled that coercion would not be allowed 
as a basis for the defense. 

The ruling set off a feverish legal battle 
that sent Hansen and Egers to the state 
court of appeal and delayed the trial for a 
week. Again, the outcome went against 
Holmes. Wearily, the defense readied its 
closing arguments. “There were so many 
adverse rulings in the case,” Hansen re- 
called, that he decided to rest his case 
without calling a single witness. He would 
take his chances with the jury and with 
some last-minute legal maneuvering. He 
had gotten a commitment from the judge 
to limit closing arguments to one day. 
Coen gave a short summation, expecting 
Hansen to do the same. Instead, he argued 
eloquently for half a day, leaving little time 
for Coen’s rebuttal. Such legal soft-shoe, 
Hansen knew, often meant the difference 
between defeat and victory. 

He was not optimistic, however, when 
the trial went to jury. Holmes was taking a 
tremendous gamble, Hansen believed. 
What was held in the balance was the 


“Doris, I thought you told me size wasn’t important!” 


quality of justice versus the quality of mob 
vengeance. Deep down, Hansen believed 
Holmes innocent, but he knew that this 
was not what Holmes had based his plea 
on. Holmes sought to take his chances on 
court justice because he felt the murderers’ 
vengeance to be a certain thing. It was, in 
a way, a very cynical decision. Given the 
tules of law, you might just squirm 
through. The rules of the mob were dead- 
ly, immutable 

I saw it differently. I felt sure the jury 
would convict. The weight of the evidence, 
coupled with the refusal of the judge to 
admit duress as a defense, made the jury's 
decision, in my mind, obvious. What fas- 
cinated me were the peripheral questions 
in the case. Had the jury been influenced 
by Holmes’s work in porn? I found it odd 
that although none of the jurors had, in the 
selection process, evinced any prior knowl- 
edge of Holmes, Johnny Wadd or any of 
the Holmes personae, several had known 
my name—that according to a clerk who 
said that the jury was impressed that I was 
in the courtroom. 

Holmes himself was another question. 
All my life, I had prayed for a bigger dick; 
Just a few more inches and I would have 
everything: money, women, success. John 
Holmes had those few more inches, and 
they had given him nothing. He was no 
more than a haggard, hounded man sitting 
in the courtroom, a man waiting for his 
own life sentence to be passed. 

The jury remained out for four days. 
With cach succeeding day, Holmes’s 
chances improved. I knew that if the jury 
had gone for a conviction, the decision 
would have been short and quick. 

The ballots in the jury room were com- 
ing out nine to three and eight to four in 
favor of acquittal. Finally, one of the 
jurors, a hospital worker named Kathy 
Wood, noticed and read aloud an instruc- 
tion from Judge Sheldon: “No person may 
be convicted unless there is some proof of 
each element of the crime independent of 
any confession or admission made by him 
outside of his trial.” That clinched it. The 
next vote was unanimous. On June 26, 
1982, the jury acquitted John Holmes of 
the Laurel Canyon murders. 

. 

The prosecution was outraged. Coen 
and Lange believed that the jury had mis- 
read the instructions, that it had been 
misled about the weight of Holmes's con- 
fession to Tomlinson. Holmes's gamble 
had paid off. He had beaten the system. 

Or had he? Despite his acquittal, 
Holmes was kept in jail, first on a stolen- 
property conviction, then on contempt-of- 
court charges for refusing to answer the 
grand jury's question about the Wonder- 
land Avenue killings. He would spend 111 
days in jail for contempt, something of a 
legal record. He would also have plenty of 
time to contemplate his future. 

Word on the street had him finished in 
porn. Those he hadn't alienated with his 


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drug-induced craziness now shied away 
because of his association with the mur- 
ders. Even I wondered whether or not 
audiences would want their fantasies acted 
out by a man involved, even tangentially, 
with such a gruesome crime. 

“John really loves the [porn] business," 
Hansen told me after an hour-and-a-half 
session we had with Holmes. Hansen was 
kind enough to list me as a witness in the 
Laurel Canyon case, giving me access to 
Holmes that no other journalist had. At 
first, 1 didn’t understand the reason for 
that, especially after 1 had told Hansen 
that the story would not necessarily pro- 
ject a favorable picture of Holmes. But his 
reason became clear: Holmes, in the 
months he spent in jail, missed the world 
of porn, the world he had traveled in. Han- 
sen couldn't help him, but I could at least 
gossip and give him a sense of his world. I 
was touched by the relationship between 
the two men: Hansen would give Holmes 
cigarette money from his own pocket, and 
Holmes openly considered Hansen a hero. 

But not even Hansen could protect 
Holmes from jail. As the months stretched 
out after the acquittal and he found him- 
self still behind bars, he became more and 
more frustrated. “He's going to stay there 
until he tells us what he knows about the 
Laurel Canyon murders,” vowed Coen. 
Holmes spoke of Coen’s "vendetta," his 
“hatred” for Holmes. “It’s political,” he 
said. “Coen knows I didn't do it." Under 
California law, a person may be jailed for 


contempt for coercive but not for punitive 
reasons—to force him to testify, in other 
words, but not to punish him for failing to 
do so. Holmes and his lawyers considered 
the line crossed early in the imprisonment, 
and Holmes went ona hunger strike to call 
attention to his plight. “A fast between 
meals,” sniffed Coen, saying that Holmes 
ate—even gained weight—during his 
strike. All I could think of, on the other 
hand, was the famous Holmes cock wast- 
ing away from malnutrition. 

Getting Holmes to talk was only one 
gambit the D.A.'s office had in the works. 
While Holmes sat in his cell, the wheels of 


justice were slowly grinding down on 


Eddie Nash, but this time the charge was 
drugs, not murder. Nine days afier the 
Laurel Canyon murders and only a few 
days after Holmes had implicated Nash in 
his statement to the police, the cops 
launched a successful drug raid on Nash’s 
Dona Lola house. Then, a few weeks later, 
they raided it again. And again. In all, 
they found more than $1,000,000 worth of 
drugs, and Nash found himself in jail, un- 
able to meet his $5,000,000 bail. 

It was frontier justice at its best. The 
authorities had both their murder suspects 
in jail, despite the fact that one had been 
acquitted and the other not even charged 
with the murders. 

Holmes might have been silent, but 
Nash was not. First he told Coen that 
Holmes had taken part in the murders, 
then he wrote Holmes a letter that read: 


"Jhon [sic] you know as God is your wit- 
ness that I am innocent and that I never 
sent anybody with you to kill anybody 
anywhere or anyplace. So don't you think 
it's about time to tell the truth?” 

Another letter followed: “Jhon [sic] I 
swear man I will forgive you for what you 
did to me if you snapp [sic] out of it and 
tell them the truth and come and save me 
out of my miseries.” 

Still, Holmes kept quiet, at least until 
the day of Nash's sentencing. Nash, not 
surprisingly, was hit with the maximum 
sentence: eight years in prison and 
$120,350 in fines. His lawyer was furious, 
claiming that the average term for similar 
drug charges is two to three years. “There 
is no doubt he was not.sentenced for 
crimes that he committed but the crimes 
he was suspected of,” thundered his attor- 
ney, Dominick W. Rubalcava, to report- 
ers. Frontier justice had struck again. 

Moments after the sentencing, Holmes 
had a change of heart about testifving and 
promptly appeared before the grand jury. 
Later, 1 found out that when Nash was 
about to go to prison and all parties con- 
cerned wanted to be rid of Holmes, his 
lawyers and the prosecution worked out an 
arrangement. Holmes would testify if two 
tacit conditions were met: (1) he would not 
be prosecuted for perjury for anything he 
would say; and (2) major probation 
restraints against him would be dropped. 
The first condition was major; it gave 
Holmes a free hand to tailor his version of 
events the way he wanted. The second was 
less important, though a probation officer 
hovering around would, in Holmes’s line 
of work, be a little inhibiting. 

The proceedings were secret, but some 
insiders think that the testimony Holmes 
gave to the grand jury was useless. All the 
time I sat in on his trial, the thought kept 
recurring: In the halls of hell, no angel can 
testify. “Don't hold your breath for an in- 
ment,” Coen told me as 1 was finishing 
this story. 

Soit appeared that Holmes the manipu- 
lator, Holmes the hustler had, indeed, won 
out. Even in testifying before a grand jury, 
he had worked his dodge. The system had 
changed to accommodate Holmes, and 
that is the basic thrust of any husder, 
whether he deals three-card monte or sells. 
vacuum cleaners: to find the elasticity in 
the system and stretch it in ways to suit his 
purpose. Later that night, November 22, 
1982, John Holmes walked out of prison a 
free man—as free as a man can be when 
he's constantly looking over his shoulder. 


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‘on the second day of the 1983 Internation- 
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huge annual technological orgasm spread 
across acres of convention floor. All the X- 
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stream, where Toshiba and Sony reigned. 

John Holmes strode up to me out of. 
nowhere. He was signing autographs for 
Caballero Control, a distributor of X- 
rated films, many featuring his famous 
anatomy. He gave me a nudge in my anat- 
omy. “You're gaining weight, Goldstein,” 
he rasped. “You should be on the same 
diet I'm on, the Cocaine Diet." And he 
was thin, almost emaciated, reminding 
me of the haggard specter he was when he 
entered jail. 

It took a while for that scene to sink in. 
Holmes had come full circle. He was once 
again in porn, in drugs, in need of another 
Eddie Nash. The merry-go-round had 
ratcheted his life around for a while, but he 
had gotten off exactly where he got on. It 
was hard to tell if this were a victory or a 
defeat. 

It made me think of one of the times [ 
saw him when he was still in jail. He was 
quietly exultant but seemed oddly jumpy 
to me when I remembered his pretrial 
languor. We spoke of my victory in the 
Kansas City obscenity case. 

“That's what makes us alike,” Holmes 
said softly. “We're both winners. Some- 
times, the good guys win.” His eyes were 
glittering, unfocused. Christ, I thought, 
was he getting it in jail? Holmes spotted 
the watch I had on, a garish, gold-and- 
gem-incrusted monstrosity mounted on a 
Mickey Mouse dial face. 

“You give gold a bad name, Goldstein. I 
wouldn’t be caught dead on the strects 
with you.” 

I asked about a large diamond that he 
used to wear as a ring, a sort of trademark, 
visible in many of his films. It was his sig- 
nature, and a phrase tossed about was that 
he wore “a diamond as big as his dick.” 

“Gone,” he said, “with the rest of it. Up 
my nose in a couple of tots." Drugs had 
stolen the man’s only identifiable charac- 
teristic outside his pants. 

“So this whole thing was coke, John?” 

Holmes looked away, the unfocused 
eyes narrowing painfully, and I knew that 
if he said yes, it would be a lie. His whole 
life, from Ohio to Hollywood, had been 
more or less twisted, and coke was more of 
a facilitator than a cause. Laurel Canyon 
was cut of the same fabric as the rest of his 
existence. .A quote from Bruce Jay 
Friedman floated into my mind: “Don’t let 
that little frankfurter run your life.” 
You've got to hold up something more 
than a shadow to all this light. John 
Holmes couldn’t manage much more than 
that, the overpowering shadow of a foot- 
long cock hiding an empty, suggestible, 
characterless persona. He had brought 
this shadow around—worse yet, had 
brought it in front of the klieg lights. He 
was disappearing from me, dissolving in 
some sort of solvent of untruth, “Would 
you change places?" my shrink had per- 
sisted. No way. ГИ & my failures. 


"They said I'm overqualified!” 


PLAYBOY 


188 


WHO'S LAST (continued from page 153) 


“He glances up and bellows, ‘I see im, damn it! Whad- 
daya want me to do, go over there and lick his ass?’ " 


«ар is gonna sell 6,000,000 copies and 
everybody's gonna think we're great?” ” 

Townshend paused to light another of 

the small, aromatic Indian cigarettes for 
which he's developed a fancy since kicking 
the drug and alcohol problems that nearly 
killed him two years ago. 
Graham is a great friend of mine,” 
warming to the subject, “but if he 
thinks he did anything creaüve on the 
Stones tour in '81, he's completely wrong. 
It was totally exploited.” 

And how will The Who tour be different 
from the Stones” extravaganza? Long 
pause. “I don't have an answer to that,” 
sighed Townshend, “because I think The 
Who are just as much on the rails as the 
Stones. I don't think it's possible to do 
anything with The Who. Look, there's no 
question that it’s exploitation. One just 
has to hope that one gives enough emo- 
tionally and spiritually to compensate for 
the fact that you're actually asking your 
audience to keep you alive for another five 
years." 

That's just the kind of seemingly contra- 
dictory statement that's gotten Townshend 
into trouble before. Some call him hypo- 


critical, but that's neither accurate nor 
fair He is simply one of those cursed/ 
blessed individuals who are condemned 
always to see the merit in both sides of an 
argument and whose pugnacious nature 
drags them into the middle of the fracas— 
where they're happy to argue both points 
of view. The man simply likes to think out 
loud and in print and on vinyl. The press 
sometimes finds that very amusing, as do 
his friends and associates. Another intri- 
guing explanation is offered by his under- 
standing friend and bandmate of 20 years. 
“Pete,” says Entwistle, “is simply the most 
confused person I've ever met.” More on 
that later. 


б 

Judging by tonight’s performance at 
New Jersey’s Meadowlands arena, ГА say 
that the books have yet to be balanced. 
Not that The Who didn’t give it their best. 
All the archetypal moves were enthusi- 
astically executed, from Townshend's 
windmill guitar pyrotechnics to Daltrey's 
mike-twirling acrobatics and gale-force 
vocals. But that spark that can turn an 
ordinary concert into a transcendent сх- 
perience for performer and audience alike 


was simply not there. I edge my way 
through the crush of music-business types 
milling around The Who’s dressing room 
and reflect on how somebody's going to 
have to inform the emperor that he had no 
clothes tonight—and how glad I am that 
that somebody isn’t me. 

I quickly spy Townshend at the far end 
of the room, towering over a clutch of 
admirers who constantly upstage one 
another in their feverish attempts to assure 
our hero how fabulous he was onstage and 
how fantastic the show was. He nods 
politely, a gentle smirk plastered across his 
dreamy features. Our eyes meet briefly, 
and for just a moment, that world-weary 
grimace metamorphoses into a warm smile 
of recognition. I’m pleased, of course, but 
damned if l'm going to fight my way 
through that mob to pay homage to him, 
no matter how much I like and respect the 
guy. Besides, the last thing he needs now is 
another hanger-on. 

As I grope amid the half-melted ice 
trays for a Perrier, one of the band’s 
English publicists sidles up to me. “Have 
you talked with Peter yet?” he asks. “He's 
expecting you.” Before I can stop him, the 
idiot begins waving frantically in Town- 
shend’s direction. 

He glances up, exasperated, and bellows 
across the room, “I see "іт, damn it! Whad- 
daya want me to do, go over there and lick 
his ass?” My buddy Pete. Conversation 
ceases as a hundred pairs of eyes 


PLAYBOY MUSIC '83 


3. The Dude / Quincy Jones (A&M) 

4. Solid Ground / Ronnie Laws (Liberty) 

5. The George Benson Collection (Warner 

Bros.) 

6. Electric Rendezvous / Al DiMeola (Co- 

lumbia) 

Fandango / Herb Alpert (A&M) 

. Mystical Adventures / Jean-Luc Ponty 
(Atlantic) 

. Come Morning / Grover Washington, 
Jr. (Elektra) 

. Winelight / Grover Washington, Jr. 
(Elektra) 


o px 


о 


BEST COUNTRY-AND-WESTEI 

. Always on My Mind / Willie Nelson (Cc- 

lumbia) 

Mountain Music / Alabama (RCA) 

Share Your Love / Kenny Rogers 

(Liberty) 

Windous / Charlie Danicls Band (Epic) 

My Home's in Alabama (RCA) 

Somewhere in the Stars / Rosanne Cash 

(Columbia) 

Cimarron / Emmylou Harris (Warner 

Bros.) 

Feels So Right / Alabama (RCA) 

9. High Notes / Hank Williams, Jr. (Elek- 
tra / Curb) 

9. The Pressure Is On / Hank Williams, Jr. 
(Elektra / Curb) 


әм 


x pone 


Ф 


8 Juice Newton 


6. John Paul Jones 


9. Linda Ronstadt 7. Chris Squire 
я 2 10. Ann Wilson 8. Donald "Duck" Dunn 
(continued from page 152) | E Gre Hake 
0. Tina Weymouth 
GUITAR 
HALL OF FAME a cores Sonfone. 
P 2. Peter Townshend COMPOSEIUSONGWRITER 
1. Willie Nelson 3. Eric Clapton 1. Paul McCartney 
2. Billy Joel 4. Jimmy Page Poe ia 
de 5. Keith Richards 3. Stevie Wonder 
3. Bob Seger 6. Eo m ent 4, Peter Townshend 
4, Kenny Rogers 7. Jeff Bec 5. Billy Jod 
a 8: Frank Zappa 6. Daryl Hall & John Oates 
. Roger Daltrey 9. Joe Walsl 7. Bob Seger 
6. Stevie Nicks 10. Glenn Frey 8. Frank ippa 
i 9. Becker/Fagen 
ths Jimmy Page pie RE, 10. Christopher Cross 
7. Neil Young 10. Elton John 
8 1. Billy Joel 
9. Frank Zappa 2. Elton John 
10. Chuck Berry 3. Keith Emerson. GROUP 
4. Vangelis 1. ‘Mac 
5, Jackson Browne 2 Rolling Stones 
6: Joe Jackson : Asia 
BEST MUSICIANS 6. Jerry Lee Lewis Um 
8. Roy Bittan 5. J Geils Band 
POP/ROCK 9. Todd Rundgren 5. Police | 
10. Neil You SEED 
MALE VOCALIST VAN В. Pink Floyd 
1. Poul McCartney. 9. Journey 
2. John Cougar DRUMS 10. Bruce Springsteen & the 
3, Robert Plant 1. Mick Fleetwood E Street Bard. 
de Mick Jagger 2. Phil Collins 
5. Bruce Springsteen | Ringo Starr 
6. Billy Joel 4. Carî Palmer RHYTHM-AND-BLUES. 
7. Bob Seger 5. Stewart Copeland MALE VOCALIST 
8, Sting 5. Charlie Watts 1. Stevie Wonder 
9. Rick Springfield 7. Russ Kunkel 5 Raja Pn 
10, Steve Perry B. Neil Peart ` Soler Ral 
nes 4. Smokey Robinson 
|. Ginger Baker pees 
FEMALE VOCALIST 1 Carmine e 6. Ray Charles 
1. Stevie Nicks 7. Michael Jackson 
2. Pat Benatar BASS 8. d Clift 
3. Olivia Newton-John 1. Paul McCartney 9. James Brown 
4. Joan Jett 2. John Entwistle 10. Prince 
5. Sheena Easton 3. Stanley Clarke 
6. Barbra Streisand. 4. Bill Wyman FEMALE VOCALIST 
7. Kim Cames 5. John McVie 1. Diana Ross. 


2. Donna Summer 


seek out the jerk who's dared to incur the 
Great Man’s wrath. 

“OK” grouses an obviously irritated 
Townshend, "if that’s what you want. . . ." 
The crowd parts like the Red Sea as he 
strides across the room in my direction. 
Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. If only I 
could crawl into this Perrier bottle. . . . 
Suddenly, Townshend's face breaks into a 
positively beatific smile, and he embraces 
me in an affectionate bear hug. Funny guy, 
this Townshend. 

“Were you out there?” he asks. I nod. 
“God, I fcel horrible.” He moans. For a 
moment, he seems on the verge of tears. 
His whole frame sags forward and I grab 
his shoulder to steady him, mumbling 
something about how at least he. 
great duckwalk, and what more could any 
human aspire to? We're quickly sur- 
rounded by a sea of fans who continue 
their litany of backstage clichés. 

“Great show, Pete.” 

“Yeah, it was fantastic, man." 

“Thanks,” says Pete, with a soft laugh. 
“Ifyou say so. . . .” Looks like there's only 
one person with the courage to tell the 
emperor about the state of his wardrobe 
tonight: the emperor himself. 

e 

“Pathetic!” Townshend spits out the word 
at the next day’s press conference as if it 
were a picce of gristle. “That’s what we'll 
become if we just keep going out there 
doing the same moves until. . . . I just 
don’t want to end up like that, pathetic.” 


By all reports, The Who's first show at 
New York’s Shea Stadium a few nights 
later was nothing to write home about, but 
pathetic is going a little too far. Lackluster, 
maybe. No better nor worse than the 
Meadowlands event. Still, I see the man's 
point. Watching a high-energy, full-tilt 
band like The Who slog its way through a 
mediocre set is a pathetic sight. 

So there you have it. Aging rock scions 
decide it’s better to “die before I get old,” 
as Daltrey first sang on My Generation 18 
years ago. And so the four members of 
‘The Who democratically decided to call an 
end to touring. 

“Bullshit.” Bassist Entwistle pauses, 
then continues in his calm, methodical 
way. “I know it’s been put out that we all 
agreed to stop touring and just do albums 
and occasional concerts, but it’s just not 
true. Nobody asked for my opinion. You 
know why this is our last tour? Because for 
the first time in The Who's history, two 
members of the band, Peter and Roger, 
actually agreed on something.” 

Obviously the laconic bassist, nick- 
named the Ox, has a lot more on his mind 
than his bandmates have guessed. “A 
band like The Who needs to tour to stay 
alive,” says Entwistle. “In fact, if they 
think they’re going to continue as a band 
without touring, then they’re going to have 
to carry on without me.” 

Task Entwistle if he’s made all that clear 
to Daltrcy and Townshend. 

“I have to read about their decisions 


in the press,” he snaps, “so I guess they 
can read the press to find out what I think! 
The Who can’t capture what they’re about 
on records. 1 wouldn't even bother buying 
our records if I were a fan.” 

I agree but counter that the two shows 
Гуе seen hadn't set the house on fire, 
either. "We were flat those nights," admits 
Entwisile. “But most dates so far on this 
tour have been among the best we've done 
in years." 

His words come back to me with 
a vengeance the next night as 70,000 delir- 
ious fans and I are blasted into hyper- 
space by the power and majesty of The 
Who's maximum R&B delivered full 
throttle. On nights such as this, a truly 
great band becomes more than just the 
sum of its parts. There's a spirit, an energy 
that unites both players and audience. 
Even the local police have gotten in on the 
act: I watch as a flock of them, outfitted in 
black rain slickers, grin and sway on their 
perches in the bleachers like penguins in 
heat. Any band that can still become 
catalysts for this kind of magic can hardly 
be dismissed as washed-up dinosaurs. 

. 

So why call it quits now? The answer to 
that question seems to depend on which of 
the four band members you ask and on 
what mood any given individual happens 
to be in at the moment. At a Ncw York 
press conference to announce the up-and- 
coming tour, vocalist Daltrey said it was 
all his idea. Townshend had just emerged 


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COMPOSER/SONGWRITER 10. Peggy Lee 9. Tommy Vig 10. Herbie Hancock 5. Еа EDS 
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PLAYBOY 


190 


from a grueling detoxification program 
that freed him from the clutches of booze 
and drugs, and Daltrey felt that if the 
pressures of the band, especially touring, 
were partially to blame for Pete’s lost 
weekends, then it was better that the band 
scaled down its activities to save Town- 
shend's life. Besides, added Daltrey, Pete 
despised touring. 

Maybe so, but midway through the 
tour, Townshend was singing quite 
a different tune to the L.A. press. “The 
idea of Roger breaking up the band to save 
my life is very noble and all that, but it’s a 
load of crap. Roger was incredibly suppor- 
tive, but it didn’t go to that extent. . . > 

And, furthermore, “The idea that The 
Who are stopping because I didn't like the 
road isn't qu true. I don’t really like 
the band. We peaked a long time ago. 
Aside from the fact that we sell large num- 
bers of tickets, we're fairly insignificant 
now.” 

When I run that by Daltrey a few weeks 
later as the tour swings through Texas, he 
answers with the by-now-familiar scatolog- 
ical reference that the members of The 
Who seem to use as a kind of salutation 
when speaking about one another. “Peter 
is so full of shit lately, I can hardly believe 
it! He's always blamed our problems on 
being on the road. To be honest, I felt a bit 
guilty about insisting wc go out on tour 
three years ago when Peter didn't want to; 


his troubles with alcohol did start shortly 
after that.” 

Could it be, 1 counter, that Townshend 
is unhappy about the scale of this tour? Aft- 
er all, he did complain to the media about 
trying to persuade the other band mem- 
bers not to play massive outdoor arenas 
such as Shea Stadium. 

“You want to know the truth of the mat- 
ter?” asks Daltrey, the irritation in his 
voice growing with each syllable. “Pete's 
been behind everything we've done on this 
tour from the beginning—including the 
big stadiums! He had his chance to say no 
up front and never did. Suddenly, we hear 
him telling the press all about how he’s 
been at loggerheads with us about doing 
Shea for ages.” 

Daltrey leans forward, earnestly empha- 
sizing every word. "It. . . simply . . . 
isn't. . . true! He's saying these things 
out of spite. The first we heard about his 
objections was the day of the show. So he 
gocs up there and plays with that attitude, 
and naturally it holds us back.” 

But why was the second night at Shea 
such an improvement? 

“Because,” explains a grinning Daltrey, 
“Peter hates himself after he does those 
things. Then he realizes that he really 
wants to play and finally gets back on 
track.” He shakes his head and laughs 
softly. “We just don’t know if we're com- 


ing or going with the guy anymore! 


“Why is it when I’m horny it’s ‘lust,’ but when 
you're horny it’s ‘affection’?” 


Is this how it has to end? Will one of the 
rock cra’s most inspired groups self- 
destruct in an orgy of peity bickering, 
personality conflicts and intolerance? If 
anyone can get these four very disparate 
individuals through this mid-life crisis, it 
will have to be the long-suffering Daltrey. 

“Look,” he says, “I agree with Peter 
about not wanting to wind up as pathetic 
old men out there doing the same clichéed 
moves. Thats why we're going to stop 
touring, but we're not going to stop play- 
ing. We have to change the format of the 
band. We're all much better musicians 
than people think we are. And I think 
we've got it in us to come up with some 
music that demands that audiences sit and 
listen—where we don't have to jump up. 
and down and twirl microphones to hold 
their attention.” 

Fine, Roger. But Entwistle's already 
said he won't play with you guys if you 
stop touring. 

Daltrey smiles. "Yeah, but we'll be 
playing more, if we do one or two gigs a 
month and rehearse in between, than if we 
just go out on one of these bloody tours for 
two months every three years or so.” 

But, seriously, is it gonna be worth 
fighting for? 

“This mess we've been going through is 
the best thing that could have happened to 
us," counsels The Who's resident optimist. 
“We have a chance to change our 
approach, and I'm incredibly excited 
about what's coming next. This tour's 
been great, апа..." 

Daltrey stops, realizing that his opti- 
mism has gone a bit too far. “OK, I can't 
wail for this tour to be over. Peter's been 
just so wonderful to work with this time!” 
Quick recovery. “But, honestly," he says, 
“T think our best days are ahead of us.” 

Maybe so. But let's permit the band’s 
newest member, drummer Kenney Jones, 
to have the last word. It's bccn Jones's 
somewhat daunting task to fill the seat of 
the late Keith Moon while at the same 
time battling and ultimately overcoming 
his own problems with alcohol. 

“T just don’t think Peter and Roger and 
John have really thought out the implica- 
tions of what they've been saying,” offers 
Jones. “I’ve been with bands, like the 
Faces, that just fell apart, and I know what 
it's like." 

Jones pauses as the painful memories 
obviously come flooding back. Then he 
continues, measuring his words: "I just 
don't think they realize how cold and 
empty it can be out there when something. 
you love that much suddenly isn't there 
anymore." 


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191 


192 


PLAYBOY POTPOURRI 
people, places, objects and events of interest or amusement 


JUST GOOD 

CLEAN FUN 
Most people jump into the 
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AMERICA’S ROADSIDE CHARACTER—THE POSTCARD 
Dick Wick Hall's famous Laughing Gas Station in Salome, Arizona; The 


Green Frog Restaurant in Waycross, Georgia; the Ditty Wah Ditty Tourist 
Court in Memphis, Tennessee: They're all immortalized in Gas, Food and 
Lodging, a “postcard odyssey through the great American roadside,” by 
John Baeder, an artist whose previous book, Diners, devoured the subject of 
inexpensive eaterics. Some of the places depicted on postcards in Gas, Food 


and Lodging arc gone forever; others still exist on forgotten highways eclipsed 


by interstate expressways and by the airplane. Send $32 to Abbeville 
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spot a place you know—such as the Good Luck Inn, near Towanda, 
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THE INSECT TRACK 
The first Run for the Roaches kicks off May 
sixth in Louisville's Belvedere Plaza as part. 
of Derby week, and if you've got a cockroach 
to enter, the fee is $25, with proceeds going 
to the National Handicapped Foundation. 
We're serious; and so is the organizer, 
the American Running & Fitness Associa- 
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Kentucky 40207. First prizc is an Olds 
Omega. Losers win the winners. 


THE LATEST ITINERARY 


Aside from being entertaining, Itinerary, a 
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All aboard the red eye for Rangoon. 


BALLISTIC CHIC 
It's a rather sad sign of the 
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plating that's removable. Five 
dollars sent to the store gets 
you its catalog. What does the 
tailor use—a blowtorch? 


CRYPT SCRIPT 
Now that you've seen Creep- 
show at your local cinema and 
have developed a taste for 
blood, you're probably lusting 
for a peek at the original Fifties 
EC Comics that spawned all 
the splatter, right? Well, that 
will cost you, fella, and that will 
cost you big. A boxed five- 
volume hardcover set of repro- 
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from the Crypt in black and 
white (with color covers) is 
available for $90, postpaid, 
from the publisher, Russ 
Cochran, P.O. Box 169, West 
Plains, Missouri 65775. A set of 
30 Crypt poster-style covers is 
only $15— for those of you who 
haven't time to read. 


4 


PIPER SONOMA 


PAYING THE PIPER 
As you probably know, the 
French champagne firm Piper 
Heidsieck began producing a 
bubbly in California in 1980. 
Now that the first delicious bot- 
tlings of Piper Sonoma Brut, 
Blanc de Noirs and Tête de 
Cuvée are available nation- 
wide, the company is offering 
something else that's tasty: an 
art-deco-style 25" x 197" poster 
created by San Francisco artist 
Stephen Haines Hall thar's 
available from Piper Sonoma 
Cellars, 11447 Old Redwood 
Highway, Windsor, California 
95492, for only $15, postpaid. 
Let's hear it for lines and vines. 


DO THE SPLITS 
For the divorced, divorcing or irreconcilably sepa- 
rated, The Goldsmith, Ltd., a store in Water Tow- 
er Place, 845 North Michigan Avenue, Chicago 
60611, will take that little band of gold that you 
and your ex or ex-to-be once treasured and split it 
neatly into two rings— presumably, one for you 
and onefor your next wife. The cost of this symbol- 
ic gesture is $450 to $2800, depending on the 
degree of difficulty. We threw ours into the river. 


NAPOLEON COMPLEX 
Apparently, some TV series, such as The Man 
from U.N.C.L.E., which starred Robert Vaughn 
as secret agent Napoleon Solo back in the late 
Sixties, capture the hearts and minds of viewers 
forever. Six dollars sent to Jon Heitland, 1611 
Sanford Drive, Iowa Falls, Iowa 50126, gets you 
membership in the international U.N.C.L.E. 
fan club, which publishes a bimonthly news- 
letter, U.N.C.L.E. Headquarters. More good 
news, U.N.C.L.E. addicts: A new made-for-TV 
U.N.C.L.E. caper, The Fifteen Years Later Affair, 
starring Vaughn will be broadcast soon on CBS 


193 


PLAYBOY 


194 


ULTIMATE АННЫЕТЕ 


(continued from page 128) 


“Bob Beamon’s record-setting jump was ‘the greatest 


single feat in the recorded history of athletics. 


э» 


scientist, Dr. David Costill of Ball State 
University was among the first to scgregate 
certain propertics of muscles that are cru- 
cial to athletic performance. Dr. Costill 
found that somc muscle fibers contract 
rapidly and with great force but are quickly 
fatigued; those fast-twitch muscles 
dominant among sprinters. Costill also 
covered slow-twitch fibers that can’t gener- 
ate as much instantaneous force but can 
contract for a longer time before they're ex- 
hausted; those he found dominant among 
long-distance runners. (The average per- 
son has about half of each type.) Salazar, 
for instance, has 92 percent slow-twitch 
muscles, which helps account for his ex- 
traordinary endurance. Bob Hayes, thefast- 
est man ever to run 100 yards, was gifted 
with a high proportion of fast-twitch mus- 
cles; no matter how long or hard he might 
have trained, world-class times in distan: 
events would always be out of his reach. T 
day, through simple biopsy, Costill can tell 
an athlete what proportions of fast- and 
slow-twitch muscles he has. By implica- 
tion, any athlete can determine the events 
for which he is genetically best suited and 
the events that would force him to struggle 
against his natural limits. 

Looking further, scienüsts learned a 
great deal about the chemistry of muscle 
contraction that has practical applications 
for athletes. They discovered, for instance, 
that muscles store enzymes that help pro- 
duce kinetic energy. With training, the 
level of those enzymes in the muscles can 


vhere it stops; it is a 
tion, this ultimate 
arly, the amount of 
lycogen—the body's 
primary fucl—that is stored in the тиз 
cles can be increased through a program of 
training and dict called carbohydrate 
loading, which has become a part of the 
modern athlete's everyday consciousness. 
Although it has lately become a point of 
controversy, sports doctors have long be- 
lieved that when the body runs short of 
glycogen or fails to burn it efficiently, the 
result is a build-up of lactic acid in the 
muscles—the “supersludge” that can slow 
an athlete down. 

Ina recent article, Dr. Jim Wilkerson, a 
physiologist, focused even more tightly on 
that picture of muscular chemistry and the 
goal of running faster. “The source of all 
energy,” Dr. Wilkerson wrote, “is a mole- 
cule called adenosine triphospate, better 
known as A.T.P. A.T.P. is just about the 
only thing that matters as far as energy is 
concerned. If you don't produce it, you 
don't have muscle contraction; and if. 
you don't have any muscle contraction, 
you won't go anywhere. It’s that simple. 
The body produces this energy of move- 
ment—A.T.P.—two basic ways. Either it 
uses oxygen [aerobic] or it doesn't use 
oxygen [anaerobic]. 

“Those terms—aerobic and anaerobic— 
probably represent the cornerstone of con- 
temporary sports science. If there was a 
single advance, one moment of luminous 


be tripled—but that's 
pure physical limi 


“Dear Stockholder.’ Wait a second; make that 


"Dearest—no—'My Darling Stockholder.’ . . . 


insight over the years that cleared the way 
for the modern athlete's assault on his 
limits, it was the understanding that the 
energy for short-duration, high-intensity 
exercise—a 100-meter sprint, say, or a 
long jump—is produced without oxygen, 
the energy for feats of athletic endur- 
ance requires a continuous delivery of 
oxygen to the muscles. Ninety to 95 per- 
cent of the energy needed to complete a 
marathon, for instance, is produced aero- 
bically, while a sprinter can run 100 
meters without ever taking a breath. Acro- 
bic training—the most ubiquitous form of 
which is jogging, of course—aims to in- 
crease oxygen supply by strengthening the 
heart and lungs, enlarging arteries and 
accelerating the rate at which enzymes in 
the muscles can absorb oxygen from the 
blood. Anaerobic conditioning, such as 
wind sprints or weight training, improves 
the body's ability to deliver short, power- 
ful bursts of energy. 
D 

Complex as much of it is, research on 
muscles, training and diet has slowly 
filtered down to the athlete through good 
coaches and doctors such as Wilkerson 
and Costill. The result has been a trend 
toward over-all “body management" 
among athletes, a physical self-awareness 
that can provide a sharp edge in competi- 
tion. Along technological advances, 
such awareness suggests that the phrase 
human limits may soon be archaic. 

Still, most scientists believe, guardedly, 
that there are physical limits, though they 
say so with one eye bolted on genetics, on 
the mysterious force of human desire and 
on modern pharmaceutical wonders. Dr. 
Gideon Ariel, a biomechanist with labs on 
both coasts, says, “Yes, there are definite 
limits. For one thing, among other factors, 
our bone structure can stand only so much 
pressure. Beyond a certain point—and 
this tends to vary depending on the points 
of pressure—the bones simply splinter.” 
Dr. Ariel believes that Beamon nearly 
exceeded that point in Mexico Ci "That 
long jump may see marginal improve- 
ment;" he says, "but very little." Dr. Jokl 
is less equivocal, saying that “Beamon's 
feat was the greatest single feat in the re- 
corded history of athletics. It is unlikely 
that it will ever be surpassed.” 

Houston University’s Carl Lewis, the 
superb sprinter and long-jumper, agreed 
with Jok for a long time, “I was like every- 
body else—a victim,” says Lewis about 
his awe of Beamon's mark. The magnitude 
of the record scemed to intimidate him 
until last year, at the National Sports Fes- 
tival, when Lewis set a new sea-level rec- 
ord with a jump of 28'9". But it wasn’t 
the record itself that was most intriguing; 
it was what Lewis had to say about his 
revious foul-ridden attempts that 
y. "On one of them, I know I jumped 30 
feet,” he stated flatly. While eyes in most 
of the track world popped, Ariel remained 
skeptical. 

“I don't believe he jumped 30 feet,” he 


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PLAYBOY 


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says. “We are talking about a force obsta- 
cle here. The pressure on the hip joint is 
enormous—well over 1700 pounds. To 
jump that far is impossible. The femoral 
bones would shatter. The ligaments con- 
necting the femorals and the tibial bones, 
between knee and ankle, would be torn. 
The body just cannot hold up under that 
kind of pressure.” 

Clearly, when scientists try to envision 
the precise limits in various events, their 
estimates differ—as do those of the Rus- 
sians, who have been in the vanguard of 
what's come to be called human engineer- 
ing. While projecting а sub-two-hour 
marathon, Ariel also sees a high jump of 
nearly nine feet (compared with the cur- 
rent mark of 7'8%") and “perhaps a 9.5 in 
the 100 meters," which would cut the 
world record by halfa second. Jokl sees an 
eight-foot high jump and probably a 9.8 
sprint. The Russians, who select their 
athletes by specifications of weight, age 
and height, foresee a 9.75 for the 100 
meters by 1990 and a high jump of 8'2". 
But when it comes to the glory event, the 
mile, there are those who fecl sure that the 
Russians will meet a definite impasse with 
their “horses for courses” program. 

Marvin Clein, president of Sport Sci- 
ence Associates and an expert on athletic 
conformation, believes that the Russian 
approach is insufficient when it comes to 
mile limits, The villain thwarting dramatic 
progress there is the heart. Evolution will 
have to produce a heart larger than the ex- 
isting one in order to pump morc than 36 
quarts of blood per minute, which is possi- 
ble today. Such a heart would mean bigger 
men, whose apparatus—a large, tough 
spine, plus bigger lungs and rib cages— 
would also have to evolve to meet the de- 
mands of that heart. That kind of heart 
would require more weight, thus more 
energy, to propel the body forward. 
According to Clein and University of 
Denver graduate student John Kecfe's cal- 
culations, the existing organ is theoretical- 
ly capable of sustaining only a 3:34 mile, 
which is 13.33 seconds faster than Coe’s 
current record. 

Clein believes that swimming is the one 
sport that is not on the brink of its limits. 
Gravity takes its toll in running and jump- 
ing, but its effects (and the consequent 
strain on the heart) are lessened by a 
body’s buoyancy in water. And body 
heat—always dangerous to athlctes—is 
vented in a pool. Clein's model swimmer 
has slim hips to facilitate swift passage, big 
hands to paddle the water and broad 
shoulders to sustain the necessary mus- 
cle mass. Women have a special advantage 
here: With more body fat and more 
buoyancy, all their energy is directed 
toward propulsion rather than toward 
staying afloat. Clein sees the gap between 
men’s and women's swimming records 
narrowing considerably in the coming 
years. 

If the accent here ignores the large spec- 
tator sports—football and baseball, for 


“Aha! The captain buries his treasure without 
letting the crew in on it!" 


197 


PLAYBOY 


198 


instance—it is because they are fettered 
with equipment and do not fit purely into 
the equation of man against himself. Foot- 
ball is a collision sport of speed and 
weight, plus force, plus diabolical equip- 
ment. Baseball is a finesse game; how far 
one hits a ball is of no consequence as long 
it is hit far enough. 

Ariel does think, however, that an 80- 
yard field goal is possible, as is a 150-mile- 
an-hour fast ball. “But can it be aimed?” 
he asks, “and who could catch it?" The 
superathletes capable of playing in that 
league remain—at least temporarily— 
figments of the scientific imagination. But 
the work of Clein and his colleagues is 
finding no lack of practical application. 


. 

It's been said that Neanderthal man, de- 
pendent on speed for his food and survival, 
could sprint faster than any athlete today. 
It is amusing to speculate about what he 
would be like if he'd had access to the won- 
ders of biomechanics. Besides helping the 
infirm, the new science of biomechanics is 
baring the secrets of motion, eliminating 
the waste and awkwardness of movement. 
"Torque, load, stress, lift and drag are part 
of the field's vocabulary. Computers can 
lay naked an old man’s step or a difficult 
movement in ballet. The body as a human 


machine can be swecpingly brought into 
relief. No athlete or coach can sensibly 
ignore the work being done in the labs and 
hope to continue competing on a high 
level. 

Place electrodes on a pitcher's fingers 
and you can see a fast ball being corrupted 
into a languid curve just because of an 
instant slip of one digit on the pitching 
hand. Models of the human hand, accu- 
rate down to the pores, arc being put into 
moving water to test optimal positions in. 
swimming. Ariel is designing what he calls 
the world's first computerized footwear, a 
running shoe with a microchip nestled in 
its sole. Recording impact and stride, 
the device can be plugged into a home 
computer after a workout and the runner 
will know how far he ran, his average 
speed, how many calories he burned and 
how much weight he lost. 

“In order to do something best," says 
Ariel, “you must find the best way to do 
it" To that end, Ariel uses high-speed film 
of athletes in action and feeds each frame 
into a computer. The computer can isolate 
the physical requirements for a certain 
event and tell whether a given athlete's 
form is efficient or inefficient. Ariel also 
spends time in the arca of “muscle recruit- 
ment”: training an athlete to usc muscles 


, Biff! You're going 


to sell a lot of underwear! . . . Sweetie, get me a roll 
of quarters, quick!” 


that he would not ordinarily use for his 
event. Those muscles are isolated, and the 
athlete, by means of weight training or 
specific exercises, develops them until he is 
able to call on them at 
Although biomechanics promises and 
delivers much to modern sports, Peter 
Coe, the father of Sebastian, views the 
tinkering of science with dark humor. 
Long a smart advisor to kis son, the elder 
Coe gave this cutout to Runners World: 
"Imagine the great coach Svengali 
McTwist applying the extra signal or stim- 
ulus as the runners enter the final curve in 
the big race. Nonsense, you say? Too ob- 
vious to hide? But have you thought about 
microplants? Can you envision all com- 
petitors having to be screened as they en- 
ter the track through airportlike security? 
"Now, what price progress? 'Back, 
back" you cry, yearning for long johns, 
tights and handlebar mustaches. What 
lunatics from the land of silicon chips will 
home in on the sport? We jam each other's 
propaganda broadcasts. Why not jam 
each other's athletes at the Olympics?” 
Ariel, for one, does not believe that such 
flights of fancy are farfetched. “Human 
engineers," he says, "will one day replace 
ex-athletes as coaches." If he is correct— 
and there seems to be much morc macabre 
evidence up ahead—then we are about to 
enter the cra of the athlete as robot, the 
totally processed athlete. The natural 
athlete, up against human limits as we 
know them, will be only a quaint memory. 
. 


Microplants and demented coaches 
seem almost frivolous alongside the cur- 
rent landscape. We live in a time when talk 
of artificial brains and human hybrids is 
commonplace, when sperm banks in Cali- 
fornia are a reality for the genctically 
gifted in science as well as in athletics. But 
the incursion of new drugs into sports 
summons up an otherworldly atmosphere 
that once again puts a glowing finish on 
the crown of the prophetic H. G. Wells. 

Long ago, the far-seeing Wells created 
two characters named Mr. Bensington and 
Professor Redwood in a novel called The 
Food of the Gods. They discover Hera- 
Kleophorbia IV, a compound that becomes 
responsible for a breed of gigantic children 
who want a new civilization and prepare 
to engage in war with the “pygmy” world 
(that’s us). At first, incredulity greets that 
scenario when it is transferred to modern 
athletics; then the mind pauses over the 
idea: drugs and athletes; ham and eggs. 

Dr. Gabe Mirkin once conducted a poll 
of more than 100 world-class runners. The 
question was: “If I could give you a pill 
that could make you an Olympic cham- 
pion and also kill you in a year, would you 
take it?” More than half the answers were 
affirmative. Nor are drugs and what they 
can do to an athlete and his performance 
of less than grave concern to Dr. William 
Taylor, author of Anabolic Steroids and the 
Athlete. The Wellsian new man is not mere 
fantasy to Dr. Taylor. 


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PLAYBOY 


“How far can athletes go?" he asks. 
"Eventually, you get to the point where 
genetics are the key to performance— 
genetics or drugs. We have gone so far in 
terms cf training and nutrition that now it 
is only a question of locating athletes who 
are genetically suited to the task at hand. 
"That will happen over a period of years, or 
drugs will alter the body. Already, drugs 
have accounted for not a few current 
records, and in years to come, they will 
account for more. The best athletes have, 
and will have, the best pharmacists." 

Already, steroids— biological amplifi- 
ers—are vital to success in track-and-field 
events. Derived from thc male hormone 
testosterone, steroids can synthesize pro- 
tein and can alter the shape of the athlete’s 
body as well as his attitude. According to 
Ariel, steroids are “more of a key” to suc- 
cess than the essential u g and vi 
mins. “You would not enter international 
competition," he says, "without taking 
steroids. There should be two Olympics: 
one for those who take steroids and one for 
those who don't.” An athlete can be 
trained to a razor edge, but he cannot hope 
“to make a final without steroids, especial- 
ly in such events as the discus, the shot 
and the javelin." It would be like entering 
a greyhound in the Belmont Stakes. 

“People often close their eyes and say 
that anabolic steroids have only a pla- 
cebo effect,” says Ariel. “This is wrong. 
From tests we have made, we have deter- 
mined that anabolic steroids will add 20 
feet to the discus, four feet to the shot and 
ten feet to the javelin. Not only do they 
make an athlete stronger physically, they 
make him more obsessed. An athlete on 


steroids, for example, does not merely 
want to throw the discus—he wants to 
kill it.” 

Ariel’s research should not be taken to 
mean that the use of steroids is confined to 
track and field. A weight lifter, a football 
player or any other athlete who wants to 
“bulk up” can generally find a cooperative 
pharmacist or physician willing to supply 
the drugs. 

“For 15 years now, the average size of 
N.F.L. players has not really changed,” 
says Taylor. “But compared with the 
players today, those back in 1960 were 
underdeveloped. Then, anabolic steroids 
were introduced and the bulk of the players 
increased dramatically. Now, with the im- 
pending introduction of synthetic growth 
hormones, the day may come when we 
have 350-to-375-pound athletes, cight to 
nine feet in height.” 

With injections of the hormone, the 
potential for physical growth is immense, 
according to Taylor. Used extensively in 
the treatment of growth deficiencies, these 
polypeptide hormones are commonly 
extracted from the pituitary glands of 
cadavers, but the process is expensive 
($10,000 a year for treatments). Now the 
hormone has been synthetically repro- 
duced and is expected to be approved by 
the FDA; it will soon become widely avail- 
able. Fully expecting that the drug will be 
abused, just as anabolic steroids are, 
Taylor says that he is already getting in- 
quiries about hormone treatments from 
the zealous parents of high school athletes. 

The possibilities horrify him. “Unless 
this medication is strictly controlled,” he 
says, “we may have a serious problem on 


“Why, thank you—you’ve been most supportive!" 


our hands. To allow this medication to 
become popularized the way steroids have 
would be like opening Pandora’s box. The 
parents who call me say that price is no 
object. They have read or heard that the 
hormone can add three inches a year 
to growth, and they want it for their 
children.” 

Taylor says that the time may come— 
and very soon—when a high school 
athlete will be forced to recognize that if he 
wants to succeed, he will have to resort 
to drugs. Athletes today, he says, are 
different from those of 30 years ago; the 
avenues to success are now precisely de- 
fined. “Back then, athletes would merely 
suck it up. Now they know that drugs are 
the key to success and that they cannot 
hope to compete without them.” 

Ethics will have to be examined and the 
door locked, and it must be opened only 
when needed. If the drug is popularized, 
Taylor sees sports becoming ludicrous, 
records and limits obsolete. The geometry 
and balance of such games as baseball and 
basketball will have to be altered, with 
baskets set higher and the pitcher's mound 
moved back. For the unreconstructed, the 
era of the pseudo athlete, of H. G. Wells’s 
athlete, will seem shorn of all that is 
human—the perfect fit for a robotic world. 

The robots may add something to life, 
but they will surely signal the final end of 
the handmade, the dissolution of craft. 
Hardly a fiery-eyed zealot, Taylor wants 
athletics and those who play them to 
remain biologically pure, and he does not 
want records or broken limits that are 
devoid of any current frame of reference. 
The Ulysses impulse—and the kind of 
man who must go sce what's over the 
hill—argues strenuously for his concern: If 
that impulse is displaced by a daily dose of 
hormones, then there will be no sport as 
we have learned to feel it; the desire and 
will of the heroic athlete will belong to 
folklore. 

Those qualities were best caught by the 
effort of Salazar in Boston, when his legs 
felt as if they were on fire. One tries to 
freeze his face at that finish line; it was a 
rubber mask of pain, yet something ter- 
ribly human was there. It was poignant 
and startling, but somewhere in that awful 
contortion, it seemed that an old promise 
was being renewed once more. Salazar is 
an action poet, and his face spoke elo- 
quently for the Ulysses man and for all 
that he represents: the last line of defense 
against the processed athlete and against 
artificiality in all aspects of our lives. 
Man’s continuing adaptation is the 
ongoing need for those same qualities. All 
the perceptive men behind the scenes of 
athletics recognize this: that desire and 
will are, and should remain, the most 
elemental linchpins to real excellence. 


SUN MON TUE WED THURS FRI SAT 


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PLAYBOY 


PAUL NEWMAN 


(continued from page 158) 


"To be asked to do a commercial in this country is a 
sign that you're on the take or on the skids." 


and scans the horizon for enemies.” 
PLAYBOY: True? 

NEWMAN: Well, there are people—and 
things—to scan the horizon for. The real 
question for me is, Who's worthy of being an 
enemy? 

PLAYBOY: We're waiting. 

NEWMAN: The perpetrators of Vietnam, of 
course. People trying to sustain the arms 
race. But, you know, if you were really 
serious about who was out to get you, 
you'd have to spend so much time working 
at not getting screwed at all, it would 
hardly seem worth the effort. So 1 figure 
I'm likely to get screwed a little bit—and 
that way, I don’t waste a lot of time. There 
are too many other things I enjoy doing. 
Irs like getting on the best-dressed list: It 
would take so much time and effort, I just 
don’t have the patience to be well dressed. 
PLAYBOY: Where else do you think you've 
been screwed? 

NEWMAN: Oh, there are a lot of things, but 
they’re not important enough to get vin- 
dictive about. 

PLAYBOY: We're talking about being reflec- 
tive, not vindictive. For instance, how are 
things between you and the IRS? 
NEWMAN: They've audited me every year 
since the late $ 
PLAYBOY: Why? 

NEWMAN: All I know is that my timing has 
always been good. Here’s a true story: 
Early in my career, I was in my business 
manager's office, which, at the time, was in 
New York. I was going to be audited. The 
guy from the IRS was in the next office 
with my manager’s assistant, and my man- 
ager said, “Paul, it would really help if you 
would go in and butter him up.” And I 
said, “I couldn’t do that.” And I refused. 
But, sure enough, I walked out of the office 
a few minutes later and there came the tax- 
man out of the assistant’s office. He 
walked up to me and said, “You don’t keep 
very good records.” I said, “On what?” 
He said, “On your entertainment, your 
taxis, everything.” 1 said, “Well, here's 
how it goes. In order to be an actor, 
you really have to be a child. And, if that 
theory is correct, then it follows that the 
more childish you are, the better actor you 
are. If I’m really a good actor and 1 make 
a tremendous amount of money—from 
which I have to pay the Federal Govern- 
ment—then what you want me to be is an 
accountant, And if I'm an accountant, I'm 
a responsible human being. I’m mature. If 
Pm mature, I can't be a very good actor. 
Which means I can't make any money!” 
Now, if you were a guy from the IRS, what 
would you say to that? It was so eccentric. 
Funny thing: Three days later, my man- 
ager called me up and said, “I don’t know 


what you did to that guy, but all the stuff. 
that they're disputing—$30,000 worth of 
expenses—they ve forgotten it. 
PLAYBOY: And you lived happily ever after. 
NEWMAN: Yes. But I still get audited every 
year! 
PLAYBOY: Where would the press rank on 
your enemies list? You’ve been bitter on a 
couple of occasions in the past. 
NEWMAN: Well, you've got The New York 
Times, The Washington Post and the Los 
Angeles Times, which try to be responsible 
newspapers. But it’s just tragic that a 
newspaper like the New York Post, with its 
heritage—pedigree is a better word— 
should have to fall into the hands of people 
who have a sleazy editorial philosophy. 
They've really savaged me pretty good 
with phony captions under pictures, 
turbulence where there was no turbulence, 
turmoil where no turmoil existed. 
PLAYBOY: About what? 
NEWMAN: Once, the Post printed something 
like, “Newman has finally succumbed to 
doing Japanese commercials for Datsun in 
the United States.” I have done some com- 
mercials in Japan, which they pointed out. 
PLAYBOY: What was so bad about that? 
NEWMAN: The only thing I’ve done in the 
U.S. is a public-service thing about safety 
belts. That’s what I did, for which I got 
nothing. The difference is that it’s my 
perception that to be asked to do a com- 
mercial in Japan is considered a great 
honor, especially if you're a foreigner. To 
be asked to do a commercial in this country 
is a sign that you're on the take or on the 
skids. That's my perception. 
PLAYBOY: You mean you've never been 
tempted to do a U.S. commercial? 
NEWMAN: The closest I ever came to doing 
one was for Polaroid. We were in negotia- 
tions, and then the lawyer from Folaroid 
pissed me off. 
PLAYBOY: What happened? 
NEWMAN: He started telling people that 
they were paying me too much— that they 
had given away the store to get me. And 
that got back to me. I got mad. I said I 
didn't want to work for pcople who 
thought they were getting screwed. So I 
backed out. I understand the Polaroid 
attorney got fired about 12 hours later. 
Anyway, while I’m wound up about the 
press, there was also People magazine. 
When it came out, I was told it was going 
to bea very respectable, responsible maga- 
zine. I did one of its early cover stories. 
Subsequently, I felt it was sort of becoming 
a gossip rag. I was asked to doa new story. 
I refused. So they put me on the cover any- 
way, without an interview. They even 
raised the issue price. Then, when I was 


campaigning for Ramsey Clark for the 


Senate in 1976, the campaign manager 
said that a People reporter wanted to go 
along on the airplane. I agreed but 
thought it was really gonna be a bad mis- 
take When the article finally came or 
sure enough, the headline was: “RAMs 
CLARK FINDS A GIMMICK IN PAUL NEWMAN.” 
Now, I had campaigned for him several 
times before that, and it was just untrue on 
the face of it! So I've never been interested 
in doing anything with People since. 

Then there was Time magazine—— 

PLAYBOY: For which you've donc a recent 
cover story. 
NEWMAN: ah, well, my dance card's 
been full. Anyway, for a long while—and 
because of Time—1 wouldn't drink Coors 
beer. That was really a strange situation: 
Back in the mid-Seventies, Coors was 
trying to dispel a rumor that it had unfair 
hiring procedures. The fact that Joe and 
Bill Coors were considered very conserva- 
tive politically is irrelevant. That's what a 
democracy is supposed to be about. The 
liberals won't tell you that; the liberals 
want only one party—theirs. But my firm 
feeling is that yov've got to have two 
parties and one of "em's gonna be conserva- 
tive; that’s the name of the game. I cer- 
tainly wouldn’t have had any ill feelings 
because the executive of a beer company 
was of a very conservative political cloth. 

Well, around that time, somebody from 
Time was doing an article about Coors, 
talked to me, and I pointed out that Coors 
was environmentally more progressive 
than almost any other brewer. I didn't 
know about unfair hiring practices. But 
then the guy from Time said he had seen a 
$50,000 check to Anita Bryant, written by 
Joe Coors. Now, that wasn't political; it 
was antigay, meaning anti-human rights. 
So I said I did feel injured by that. That 
information found its way into Time, 
which said I had therefore switched from 
Coors to Budweiser. 

In fact, at that time, I was starting to go 
into racing other than my own cars and we 
were looking for sponsors. Several of them 


> were beer sponsors. Budweiser, Michelob 


and Coors seemed good to me. None had 
forced fermentation or forced carbonation 
and I liked the beer. I went with Budwei- 
ser and Pve stayed with them happi 
But, anyway, the guy from Time said he 
had seen the check to Bryant, right? About 
two years later, Peter Coors came by. He 
was a gentleman 1 really liked. And we 
were at MGM and chatted for a couple of 
hours. He handed me a newspaper article 
in which a gay minister in San Francisco 
admitted starting the rumor that Joe 
Coors had written a check for $50,000 to 
Bryant. There had been no check to her. 
Tm still looking for that guy from Time. 
PLAYBOY: For all your principled stands on 
commerciality, how do you feel you've 
been treated with regard to this new salad 
dressing you're marketing? 
NEWMAN: First, the press has taken it too 
seriously. A reporter for The New York 


Times asked about it and I told her 1 did it 


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because I wanted to build a power base. I 
think she believed me! I have a marginal- 
to-somewhat-vulgar sense of humor, on 
the theory that if something is truly funny, 
it's never vulgar. Actually, let's just say 
that in my later years, I have determined 
that you can be a responsible citizen and 
at the same time have a lot of fun. Now, 
there's not a very logical argument that 
can be made for getting involved with 
salad dressing. But one thing is for sure: 
Reagan’s salad days are over. [Laughs] 
PLAYBOY: But why oil and vinegar after all 
these years? 

NEWMAN: And herbs—don’t forget herbs. 
Actually, the kids really enjoyed it. I used 
to have to make up huge batches for them. 
when I went on location. Then I started 
bottling it. I have always been of a rather 
whimsical nature. I don't know whether 
it’s whimsical or irresponsible. It's one or 
the other. The salad dressing is part of a 
plot, actually 

PLAYBOY: Will you reveal it? 

NEWMAN: Oh, yes. I want to capture and 
control the global supermarket! Seriously, 
I always try to almost violate the character 
once during a filming of a picture, so that 
the audience never gets complacent, sits 
back and says, “Well, I know what that 
guy’s gonna do.” That’s why I did salad 
dressing. Besides, I've designed it so any 
profits from the dressing go directly to 
charity. People should know that. 
PLAYBOY: OK. You pride yourself on your 
sense of humor and on being unpredict- 
able. What else? 

NEWMAN: I pride myself on being on time. 
In almost four years of theater, I missed 
only one performance, and that was 
because I had a 24-hour casc of the flu. 
And in 30 years, I have missed five days of 
shooting—all at once, because I had the 
flu. I think in 25 or 30 years, I've been late 
maybe five times. In fact, I had a needle- 
point made and framed for Redford that 
said, PUNCTUALITY IS THE COURTESY OF KINGS. 
PLAYBOY: Why did you have it made? 
NEWMAN: Because he needs it. 

PLAYBOY: You and Redford have bcen 
playing practical jokes on each other for 
quite a while. 

NEWMAN: It's more than that. They're out- 
and-out hustles. Now, the secret of any 
hustle is that you have to have information 
that the other guy doesn't have. Redford is 
a very good athlete. I wish I could get him 
into the racing business, He indicated on 
the set during Butch Cassidy that he had 
been a rather good fencer in high school. 
And he'd say he was good enough to whip 
anybody in a radius of ten miles. Our 
director, George Roy Hill, heard that, and 
the information that he had was that his 
assistant, Bobby Crawford, had almost 
gone to the Olympics out of Yale as a 
fencer. Hill came to me and said, "I don't 
quite know how to get the hustle moving, 
but it will go in the following direction: I 
will challenge Redford to a fencing match 
and bet him $50 that I can whip him. He 
will know that there's no way 1 can whip 


him and will agree to the match. Around 
Friday, ГИ start to complain about back 
problems, and Saturday, the day of the 
match, ГИ say that I'm not able to com- 
pete. And Redford, being an honorable 
man, will give me back my $50. I will then 
suggest an alternative: my second. Red- 
ford, being a confident man, will accept 
the second. My second will then whip his 
brain." So I said, "Well, we've got one 
tragic flaw in that, George. He'll smell it 
and won't accept the second. РЇЇ bet you two 
dollars he won't." So I see the opportunity 
for a double reverse hustle. I can go to 
Crawford and suggest the following sce- 
nario: that he win the first four touches 
and then let Redford take the next five, 
just to make it obvious that the thing had 
been thrown. And at the end of the match, 
Crawford and I would be seen exchanging 
a lot of money. So that would mean Hill 
was hustled, betrayed by his own kind, 
while Redford was hustled by Hill—and 
I would have outhustled both of them! 
PLAYBOY: What happened? 

NEWMAN: Well, there are always impon- 
derables to the hustling business. Craw- 
ford giggled and laughed and thought it 
was terrific. So everything was set. On 
Thursday, Hill went up to Redford and 


said, “Му back is bothering me.” On Fri- 
day, he said, “My back is bothering me a 
lot.” On Saturday, an hour before the 
match, he said, “I forfeit.” And Redford 
immediately walked over to George and 
asked for his money. And Hill said, "Do 
you mean to tell me that you're going to 
take that $50 from a cripple?" Redford 
said, “You're goddamn right I am." So 
much for charity. Hill said, “What about 
accepting a substitute?" Redford said, *Of 
course ГН accept a substitute.” So at that 
point, Hill was out $50 and I was out two 
dollars, right? Well, at least we had Craw- 
ford to count on. The match started on the 
steps of our hotel in Mexico. Redford is 
left-handed, and they were using foils. He 
fenced absolutely defensively and would 
hardly move. Crawford got the first touch. 
Redford got the second. Crawford got the 
third. They got even at four-four. Г didn't 
know what was going on. Finally, with a 
big lunge, Crawford got the winning 
touch. Redford gave Hill back his $50. So 
Hill and Redford were even. / was the only 
one who was out—two dollars! I couldn't 
believe it had backfired. So I went over to 
Crawford and said, "What happened?" 
And he said, “Well, I thought it was a ter- 
rific plan until I went upstairs and told my 


. “According to the quiz 
I took in this magazine, I discovered that my husband 
isn't having an affair, but I am." 


PLAYBOY 


wife. She said, "Bobby, if you throw the 
match, I’m going back to Los Angeles and 
I don't think ГЇЇ ever speak to you 
ain.'" So that was the one imponder- 
able that I hadn't figured on: His wife 
wouldn't let him throw the match. 
PLAYBOY: Is there ever any malice behind 
these hustles? 
NEWMAN: I'd say that beneath all hustles 
there's some malice. And you don't always 
deal with the potential repercussions, 
either. Once, I was shooting The Mackin- 
tosh Man with director John Huston. The 
setup for the shot was that I was 70 or 80 
feet in the air, on a little porch with a rail- 
ing around it, and I was supposed to signal 
to somebody out on a ship. I had at the 
time a wardrobe guy who was known to 
have a fierce temper. So I saw the begin- 
ning of something working for me there: a 
little porch and a big guy with a terrible 
temper. So we decided what we were going 
to do: A couple of times, making sure 
everybody below was watching, I was 
gonna yell at him and shove him, as if I 
were treating him like dirt, and he was 
gonna visibly restrain himself, just barely 
keep it in. Well, they finally yelled, “Ас- 
tion!" and I pretended I had really lost it 
with him and ducked back inside the 
house from the porch to get at him. Sud- 
denly, out I flew from the window, past the 
porch, arms and legs flying, down to the 
ground beyond a fence to where nobody 
could see. There was this "Aaaahhhh! 
from the set. It was a dummy the guy and 
Thad fixed up, of course. I waited about 15 
seconds and then waved down at every- 
body gaily. Well, it had never occurred to 
me that someone—including, perhaps, 
Huston—might have had a heart attack. 
So Гуе slowed down on my hustles some- 
what. 
PLAYBOY: You disappoint us. Surely, one of 
your hustles worked to your satisfaction. 
NEWMAN: Well, there was the Great 
Newman-Redford Porsche Hustle. No, 
wait. He won that one. 
PLAYBOY: Tell us about it anyway. 
NEWMAN: Redford was driving along a 
road and saw this Porsche that had hit a 
tree at about 130 miles an hour. It had 
been cannibalized. He had the thing 
picked up and delivered to me as a pres- 
ent. Well, I turned around and had the 
thing compacted. I found a lady who knew 
about Redford's burglar alarm at home, 
and she helped us bypass it. We left the 
compacted Porsche inside his vestibule 
with a note: ALTHOUGH HE APPRECIATES IT, MR, 
NEWMAN IS RETURNING THIS GIFT TO YOU VERY 
SIMPLY BECAUSE HE CANNOT GET THE MOTHER- 
FUCKER STARTED. 
PLAYBOY: Then why do you say that Red- 
ford won that hustle? 
NEWMAN: He never admitted that it was 
returned! He also trained his wife and his 
kids not to say a word about it. The car 
never arrived at his house, according to him. 
PLAYBOY: But you know that it did. 


204 NEWMAN: I put it there! 


PLAYBOY: Hustles notwithstanding, were 
you happy with The Mackintosh Man? 
NEWMAN: No, it just didn’t come together. 
1 felt the story would have been good and I 
wanted to play an Australian. Huston 
turned it down when I first submitted it to 
him. Then he reconsidered and thought 
maybe he could strengthen it. 

PLAYBOY: One critic wrote that when you 
were good, you were very, very good. And 
when you were bad, you were miscast. 
NEWMAN: What a sweet, sweet thing to 
say. What a very nice thing to say. You 
know, I suspect I could be even more mis- 
cast in the future than I have been in the 
past. Because I think I’m going to stop 
worrying about being a movie star and 
start being an actor again. ГИ hang out 
there a little bit. Aspire to a litle more 
risk-taking. 

PLAYBOY: Then why didn’t you take the 
lead in All That Jazz a few years ago—a 
very risky role? 

NEWMAN: That was bad; it was dumb of 
me, I was just so stupid, I didn’t take into 
consideration what the contribution of the 
director was going to be. That was a terri- 
ble oversight. 

PLAYBOY: More recently, you were offered 
the lead in Missing, the film Jack Lemmon 
ultimately did. Why did you turn it down? 
NEWMAN: I really wanted to work with 
Costa-Gavras and I'm not above doing 
something that is critical of our American 
society, politically, socially or morally. But 
ifitis going to be critical, I want it to be my 
criticism and not somebody else's. There 
are a lot of areas that I would love to get 
into—oil companies, insurance compa- 
nies, the military-industrial complex—but 
I simply did not want to be the mouth- 
piece for somebody else's criticism. 
PLAYBOY: At one point, weren't you going 
to do a movie in which you played a 
homosexual? 

NEWMAN: Yes. It was called The Front 
Runner, about a track coach and one of his. 
runners. We could never get the script 
right, though we must have rewritten it 
five times. 

PLAYBOY: If you had gotten the script 
together, it would have marked quite a 
departure for you, wouldn't it? 

NEWMAN: As an actor, yes. But not in 
terms of philosophy. Pm a supporter of 
gay rights. And not a closet supporter, 
either. From the time I was a kid, I have. 
never been able to understand attacks 
upon the gay community. There are so 
many qualities that make up a human 
being—things that I really admire. 
PLAYBOY: For instance? 

NEWMAN: People who really care about 
other people. People with humor. People 
with talent. People who are capable of giv- 
ing and are not simply takers. People who 
recognize their own foibles. People who 
really actively aspire to something. People 
who actively want to produce something: 
for society. People who appreciate, who 
laugh. People who strive to understand, to 
make themselves decent and ethical, moral 


human beings. So that by the time 1 get 
through with all the things that I really 
admire about people, what they do with 
their private parts is probably so low 
on the list that it's irrelevant. If you go 
with the reverse of all this, you can have 
someone who kicks the bejesus out of his 
wife, who is a scum bag in the business 
world, who's not particularly respected, 
who's not capable of sharing, who's got no 
sense of humor about himself, who doesn't 
really aspire to anything except being a 
whore and making a couple of bucks—but 
because he uses his privates with someone 
of the opposite sex, then he's a “man” and 
that somchow makes him all right. 
PLAYBOY: Let's talk about your upbringing, 
how you formed your values. 

NEWMAN: All right, but I warn you, Pm 
not in the business of pointing fingers. 
There arc а lot of people who say, “I’m the 
way Гат because Mommy thrashed me or 
Daddy never kissed me or hugged me.” A 
lot of that is just the excuse business. 
PLAYBOY: Without pointing a finger, were 
you very close to your dad? 

NEWMAN: [Long pause] Probably not. But 
I suspect that that was a lot more my fault 
than his. I didn’t have any idea of what 
being close to an older person was until 
much later in life. I left home when I was 
17 and I really didn’t go back. I graduated 
from high school when I was 17, went 
straight into Ohio University. Then I was 
called up by the Navy on the sixth of June 
1943. I was in the Navy on the seventh. 
PLAYBOY: But what about before you 
graduated from high school? Did you 
spend any time with your dad? 

NEWMAN: Not really. He worked six days a 
week in those days. And I didn't know 
what was going on, either with myself or 
with the outside world. I don’t think he 
had the patience to deal with things in a 
superfluous way—which, again, is not a 
criticism of him. It's really a criticism of 
myself. I was a late bloomer. 

PLAYBOY: What about your mother? 
NEWMAN: She was raised in a very poor 
family and had a sense of values that 
we pooh-pooh right now—you know, 
materialistic things, trying to get two cars 
in the garage. But I’m reticent about get- 
ting into family history. 

PLAYBOY: Why? 

NEWMAN: It's not that it doesn't deserve 
some kind of examination, but I am very, 
very leery of young people’s spouting off 
about the inadequacies of their parents, 
especially because they do so through the 
lens of an adolescent with growing prob- 
lems. Those people who write books about 
their famous parents—I have а difficult 
time with it. All they're doing is trading 
on their parents’ notoriety. 

PLAYBOY: Can you characterize your rela- 
tionship with your brother? 

NEWMAN: Belligerent, I think, is a good 
word. 

PLAYBOY: Brotherly competition? 

NEWMAN: Belligerent is still a good 
word. . . . I just wonder more about this 


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business of good parent, bad parent. Does 
it matter as much as the shrinks contend? 
Less? More? What makes some kid claw 
his way out of the ghetto? Is it all environ- 
ment? One or two children can come from 
loving, understanding, supportive families 
and turn into absolute rotters. I've seen 
too many people, and I'm not talking 
about myselí—or maybe Г am, I don't 
know—much more affected by their peers 
than by their parents. Hell, I know I was. 
"The friends I had in college and I got into 
all kinds of scrapes, brawls. Even got 
arrested three times for minor stuff. 
PLAYBOY: So your slate has been tarnished 
with three arrests. 

NEWMAN: Plus the horse incident at the 
laundry. I wasn’t even there, but you know 
how those things go. Still, I don't make a 
claim to Christlike behavior. 

PLAYBOY: Want to confess? 

NEWMAN: Well, if anything, I guess I’m 
bourgeois. Sure, Гус smoked grass, but 
Ive never done anything else. Pm а 
square. 

PLAYBOY: How square is that? 

NEWMAN: ГИ show you how naive I am. At 
one time, I saw these silver razor-blade 
necklaces and thought, How marvelous. 
You wear your razor blade, and if things 
get really tough, you go [mimics slitting 


| 


his throat]. 1 thought that was so funny. So 
I bought one and I thought nothing about 
it. Somebody took a couple of photographs 
of me somewhere and they were all in 
dope-oriented magazines. That's just how 
naive I was. I mean, I didn’t know from 
[makes a snorting noise]. 

PLAYBOY: But you did know from booze. 
NEWMAN: Sure. I drank whiskey a lot. For 
a while, it really screwed me up. There are 
periods of my life in which I don't take 
any particular pride, but I don't know why 
those times should be for public consump- 
tion. But the people who continue to do 
these things to excess, well, I think the 
core of all those people is that they really 
don’t like themselves very much. The ones 
who can't control it have got to be in such 
a state when self-indulgence turns to self- 
destruction. 

PLAYBOY: How do you help them? 
NEWMAN: You simply do it by loving them 
and supporting them, believing in them. 
Obviously, the greatest secret is not to 
start; then you don’t have to worry about 
having a problem. And the young people 
now—people who enjoy the position of 
persuasion—they simply persuade other 
people to do what they do in order to have 
some followers. They can’t say they’re the 
outsiders screwing up. They simply per- 


suade others to screw up with them. Those 
young Machiavellian kinds of people. 
They're young and dumb. It applies to sex 
as well—the kids who aren't really 
interested in getting sexually involved with 
someone. Then someone says, *Ah, come 
on, get it over with." Why? Whats the 
purpose? Some Machiavellian sense that 
someone has some control over another 
person's life. “Ah, boy, did I get her laid.” 
There're a lot of girls who say that to their 
girlfriends, 

PLAYBOY: How do you know that? 
NEWMAN: Because my daughters have told 
me about it. All of them. 

PLAYBOY: You were talking about those 
razor-blade necklaces. 
NEWMAN: Ah, yes, there’s the glorification 
of cocaine. You think about someone like 
John Belushi. He died as a direct result of 
that. I suppose there was some kind of sar- 
donic machismo in that. All the jokes about 
something that he knew was killing him. 
And he must have had a glimmer of that, 
that he was certainly on the short side of 
the edge of where he was going. There are 
other things that can be glorified that I 
think are just as interesting. The recepta- 
cle that we are living inside of for a long 
time. I’m not saying that I did that all my 
life, but I'm beginning to realize there’s a 
bonus. There’s a tremendous bonus to 
being on the outside looking in. Watching 
what all the crowd is doing. And while 
they're doing it, I'm gonna be the observ- 
er. I remember one case where a celebrity 
was doing a film about drug abuse. The 
fact is, if there ever was a day he should 
have been straight, it was the day we shot 
the film. But he was all bent out of shape. 
PLAYBOY: Your own life was touched by a 
drug tragedy—the death of your son, 
Scott. A few days ago, when we were talk- 
ing at your house and your daughter 
Susan was talking about Scott, I noticed 
that you put your head in your hands. 
NEWMAN: I don't know how I'm ever going 
to respond to that at any given moment, 
Sometimes it's OK and sometimes it's not. 
PLAYBOY: Where were you when you heard 
the news? 

NEWMAN: I was at Kenyon College, direct- 
ing a student play, when I got the call. 
PLAYBOY: It must have been a horrible 
moment. 

NEWMAN: [Tenses up] I don't know. In a 
way, I had been waiting for that call for 
ten years. Somehow, my body mechanism 
built me an anesthetic for when it really 
happened. I was . . . a lot of things when I 
got that call. I was probably more pissed 
off than anything. 

PLAYBOY: What do you mean you had 
waited for that call for ten years? 
NEWMAN: I think the difficulties start when 
both people start working. And then I 
think, probably, at some point, both 
people give up. And that can be ten 
years down the pipe. Scott and I had sim- 
ply lost the ability to help each other. I had 
lost the ability to help him, and he had lost 


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PLAYBOY 


the ability to help himself. 

PLAYBOY: That must be a terrible feeling. 
As a parent, you never really want to give 
up or at least stop trying. 

NEWMAN: I had simply lost my ability to 
make a difference. Any kind of difference. 
PLAYBOY: When you got the news that 
Scott had died, you kept going, didn't you? 
You stayed and directed the play. 
NEWMAN: There was nothing else I could 
do. I guess it’s funny now; I hardly know a 
family that isn't touched by it. Im really 
more surprised that it simply seems to be 
getting worse. It doesn't make any differ- 
ence whether its LSD or angel dust or 
cocaine or booze. People are just looking 
around for a sledge hammer somewhere 
along the line. I gave up hard liquor 
because I simply couldn't handle it. That 
was my sledge hammer. We were finishing 
shooting Sometimes a Great Notion. I don't 
know if it was the pressure of the picture, 
but I really was out of line. Гуе always 
been fascinated with why one embraces 
the sledge hammer. This is not just for 
John Doe, it’s probably applicable to my- 
Self, but they say you can take the kid out 
of Shaker Heights, but you can't take 
Shaker Heights out of the kid. Well, oh, yes, 
you can! You can do that very simply with 
a fifth of good Scotch. Because then you 
can never tell what the kid's likely to do. 
PLAYBOY: When you took Shaker Heights 
ош of the kid before 1971, what were you 
likely to do? 

NEWMAN: Oh, hanging him from chande- 
liers was not beyond the realm of possibili- 
ties. A lot of bad stuff with cars, Generally 
boorish behavior. 

PLAYBOY: What finally got you to stop? 
NEWMAN: Like everybody else, a person 
who has an addictive personality just finds 
that moment when he simply doesn’t want 
to do it anymore if he’s lucky. It happens 
with people who are overweight, with 
people who smoke too much—whatever it 
is that they wish they could stop doing. 
There comes a moment when they simply 
stop doing it. It does not come because 
other people cuff them heavily about the 
head and shoulders. 1 just decided to stop. 
PLAYBOY: Have you ever been able to figure 
out why Scott didn't? 

NEWMAN: I think he'd be the only one who 
could answer the question. Somehow, per- 
sonalities grow together. The personality 
ofa human being finally comes together. It 
may come together satisfactorily and that 
person can be productive and feel OK. 
Some people don't seem to be able to get 
the personality into the kind of shape that 
survives. There are a lot of survivors 
around who survive by doing the wrong, 
things. By doing the things that 1 don't 
particularly respect. People who survive 
by becoming whores. It covers not just 
prostitutes but a huge spectrum of 
whoredom. 

PLAYBOY: Give us your idea of a whore. 
NEWMAN: I can think of a lot of them. A 
young kid who creates his freedom. from 


208 parental supervision by selling dope in the 


city to other kids. A young girl who accom- 
plishes the same by allowing her body to 
pay for housing, nourishment, transporta- 
tion, entertainment with a. bunch of the 
locals. Guys in the business who make 
their living from exploitation in films, 
probably sexual or violence exploitation. 
Yes men and entourage guys. 

PLAYBOY: At what point in your rela- 
tionship with Scott did you realize that 
you had lost it? 

NEWMAN: I don't know that there was any 
given instance. I just realized that what- 
ever I was doing in trying to be helpful was 
not being helpful at all. In fact, it could 
have been harmful. 

PLAYBOY: So you backed away? 

NEWMAN: Well, we both backed away. 
PLAYBOY: In the Fifties, when your first 
marriage was breaking up, you saw а 
psychiatrist. Did it help? 

NEWMAN: Yes, it helped me in some ways 
to have a more realistic appraisal of my- 
self, to get in touch with my emotions. 
Some of it was effective and some of it was 
helpful. A lot of it was irrelevant. 
PLAYBOY: Did you know the difference 
then? 

NEWMAN: Yeah, but I still learned a great 
deal about myself. I realized that I was a 
late bloomer. That I seemed old enough to 
take some aspects of this thing that people 
call stardom not too seriously. I seemed to 
have a built-in mechanism that worked. It 
was in other areas—self-evaluation and so 
forth—that I was still really an adolescent. 
1 suppose that's true of a lot of people if 
they're very together in some areas and fall 
apart in others. 

PLAYBOY: How did the psychiatrist help 
you evaluate yourself? 

NEWMAN: Well, he taught me to like myself 
better, which I don’t. He taught me to rec- 
ognize the level of my achievements, which 
I don't. He taught me not to “should” my- 
self, which I still do. 

PLAYBOY: You're telling us that the opera- 
tion was a success but the patient died. 
NEWMAN: Very close. I always wonder 
about those people who claim to have it all 
together. Quietly, the lid of their head 
finally separates between their ears. I 
think they will sooner or later understand 
the extent of genetic influence instead of 
environmental influence. It’s like a lot of 
things. The more you come to know about 
things, the less you really understand what 
you know. And the more you seem to find 
a psychological argument that holds wa- 
ter, the more you can find another face in 
the mirror that says exactly the opposite 
and is just as penetrating and viable. 
PLAYBOY: To what extent did your drinking 
and boorish behavior have an influence on 
your children? 

NEWMAN: It’s really very hard to tell. Very, 
very hard to tell. And, by the same token, if 
the parent is, in fact, the role model and, 
for instance, takes a great pride in being 
punctual, does that mean the child is going 
to be punctual? If the only music he ever 
hears with his parent is Bach or Beethoven 


or Mozart, does that guarantec that he will 
listen to only that music? It seems to me 
that peer pressure is much more influential 
in terms of what children actually do. The 
only thing that the parent might do is to 
give the kid such a sense of himself that he 
can afford in his own head to be independ- 
ent. But that doesn’t seem to happen much. 
PLAYBOY: Your daughter once said that she 
didn’t think you were in touch with reality 
sometimes. With the real world. 

NEWMAN: I think there’s a big element of 
truth in that. But I think I'm really suspi- 
cious of young people who write about 
their parents. As I said, they are writing 
through whatever lens they happened to 
be looking through at the time of the 
experience. 

PLAYBOY: It’s the second time you've men- 
toned it. Are we correct in guessing that 
you were not happy when Susan participat- 
ed in a book about children of celebrities? 
NEWMAN: There’s nothing the matter with 
anybody's doing interviews. I’m only 
saying that if it is to go down in a time cap- 
sule, then I think the target ought to be 
allowed a day in court, too. I’m thinking 
specifically of the difficult time that Henry 
Fonda had, during which he behaved like 
an absolute gentleman. Fonda was a 
beautiful, gifted, ethical, moral man of film 
and theater. That’s enough. And decent, 
decent. Thats not necessarily a very 
flattering word, but I guess it is in con- 
junction with the other ones. And his 
greatest show of decency was when his 
kids were attacking him and he didn't 
shoot back, though I suspect that he had a 
tremendous amount of ammunition. 
PLAYBOY: What was going on? 

NEWMAN: That's not for me to say. But 1 
think Henry could have lobbed just as 
many grenades toward the nursery as the 
nursery was lobbing at him, but he didn't. 
PLAYBOY: And what about your nursery? 
NEWMAN: I think the generation that I 
came from accepted a lot of myths. That 
the real struggle was to get the second car 
in the garage. That was the determining 
factor in worth. Self-esteem. In a certain 
sense, you strove for that almost uncon- 
sciously. Along with that was two and a. 
half children. That was simply something 
that was to be done. If you had been told. 
somewhere along the line, and listened, 
that you really had to have a philosophy 
about motherhood, fatherhood, what those 
responsibilities were—instead of simply 
conceiving children— I'm not so sure that 
Joanne and I had that philosophy. Some 
Say you really have to have a mother and a 
father in order to be a mother or a father. I 
didn't know what I was doing when I 
started to be an actor or a race-car driver 
or a salad magnate. And I didn't even 
understand anything about fatherhood. 
PLAYBOY: Has there come a point at which 
you thought you knew what it was all 
about? 

NEWMAN: I don’t know. I've really been 
receptive to being a parent, somewhere in 


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PLAYBOY 


210 


influencing the way the kids felt about 
themselves. . . . But I don't even know 
where I'm going with that. Somehow it 
has to do with being there in the early 
times, before peer pressure took hold. Do 
you read me? If you read anything that 
makes any sense, the second | say it, 
there's a contradiction that pops up in my 
mind. [Tenses up again] One day 1 wake 
up and I think I’m terrific, and the next 
day I wake up and I think it's all junk. 
PLAYBOY: It’s excruciating for you to talk 
about this, isn’t it? 

NEWMAN: Yeah, because I'm really not in 
the pain business—either absorbing it for 
myself or inflicting it on other people. I 
read about these people every day who are 
blowing their mouths off about associates, 
neighbors, children and friends. I’ve never 
felt any need to do that. Even though poli- 
tics is another matter, I admit. 

PLAYBOY: You've always considered your- 
self politically active, haven't you? 
NEWMAN: Yes, even though I’ve been 
deceived. 

PLAYBOY: You're talking about supporting 
Lyndon Johnson? 

NEWMAN: Yes, in 1964. I went to the 
Democratic Convention in Atlantic City. I 
campaigned for Johnson because he said 
he would reduce troop strength in Viet- 
nam. He said he would de-escalate. He 
said he would get us out. Goldwater said 
he wanted a build-up. Johnson won the 
election and did the opposite. I had been 
severely had, especially when the Penta- 
gon papers later came out. The decision to 
escalate had actually been made before the 
convention! 

PLAYBOY: Were you really surprised? 
NEWMAN: Well, if you go back and look 
over the projections of the bomber gap, the 
missile gap or whatever, what do you find? 
‘That whenever there’s a new weapons sys- 
tem around the corner, it is necessary to 
create a climate of terror. And if you can 
create a good enough climate, then you get 
the funds from Congress, you get all the 
weapons systems you want. And [Secre- 
tary of Defense Caspar] Weinberger is the 
most dangerous. If one person goes into a 
job saying, “I’m going to do a certain 
thing,” and does a complete 180-degree 
turn, you can say either that he’s flexible 
or that he's pliable. Well, I think he was 
pliable. So instead of being Cap the Knife 
to cut waste out of the Pentagon, he be- 
came Cap the Rubber Stamp. From 
McNamara on, the Secretary of Defense 
has always functioned as a devil’s advo- 
cate. At least McNamara had the good 
manners to ask some serious questions. 
But Weinberger is just a wimp with a rub- 
ber stamp. And I suppose if all of those 
missiles represent penis envy, those guys 
really. . . . No, it's adoration, I think. Yes, I 
like that. That has a good ring to it—phal- 
lus adoration. 

PLAYBOY: Anything clsc you like about 
Reagan’s outlook? 


NEWMAN: Yeah. “You gotta get tough with 
the Russians.” Go ahead, guys, get tough. 
But then the specifics are left up to people 
who recognize only hardware. The in- 
teresting thing is that they’re not asking 
the right questions. There are a lot of 
answers; but those answers are to the 
wrong questions. Nobody’s asking the 
right questions. 

PLAYBOY: What are the right questions? 
NEWMAN: In a world in which there are 
50,000 nuclear warheads—I call them the 
great relaxers in the sky—do you increase 
your own national security by decreasing 
the national-security opponents? In con- 
ventional terms, of course, that concept 
would work. In nuclear terms, it doesn't 
work at all. But nobody’s asking the ques- 
tions: How much is enough? Will the con- 
cept of civilian defense work? I think it's 
ludicrous. Civil defense is dependent upon 
the cooperation of your enemies, Can you 
believe the Government actually thinks it 
will be possible to evacuate cities in a nu- 
clear war? It would take about a week to 
do it. Don't you think the Soviets will 
notice? And if they do, do they launch on 
warning? I can just hear it. “Guys, give us 
a week so our civilian-defense thing will 
work.” Well, you can't move 100,000,000 
people. It’s absurd. It seems to me that if 
this is going to function as participatory 
democracy, then people have to be preoc- 
cupied with knowledge and turn it into 
something that entitles them to the free- 
doms they have. That subject is not dif- 
ficult. I mean, any kid who's been through 
the sixth grade, if he were given the oppor- 
tunity to study both sides, could come up 
with an acceptable conclusion. It’s not dif- 
ficult. I am not a particularly smart guy. I 
am not technologically oriented. 

PLAYBOY: But you can sure make things 
look dark. 

NEWMAN: You mustn’t forget Newman’s 
second law: Just when things look darkest, 
they go black. 

PLAYBOY: And where are we now on the 
brightness scale? 

NEWMAN: Sorry, I can’t think of a darker 
time in recent history. I am disturbed 
about what I don't know, but I am much 
more disturbed about what they don’t 
know. 

PLAYBOY: What don’ 
NEWMAN: Survivabil 
trol; electromagnetic pulse; the idea that 
you can have a surgically limited ex- 
change, assess the damage and then decide 
whether you’re going to do something else; 
that you can fight a limited nuclear war in 
Europe. But nobody is seriously talking 
about what happens when the number of 
warheads arrives at a point when the dif- 
ference between being first and second is 
no longer meaningful. Do you increase or 
decrease national security? Or do you opt 
for a bilateral freeze? Otherwise, you run 
the risk of escalation to the point of trigger- 
ing a massive exchange. In my way of 


thinking, there are no winners. Now, they 
say there are winners—but certainly not 
in our lifetime. Nations will be devastated. 
If the Pentagon has made a mistake, if we 
cannot fight a limited, surgical nuclear 
war, if they have made a mistake and there 
are no burn beds, no hospitals, no doctors, 
if they've made a mistake so that there is 
no communication, very little transporta- 
tion, then we'll simply become a mandarin 
society with feudal oyerlords—one in 
Minneapolis, one in Tucson, one in Ama- 
rillo, one in New Orleans—with these lit- 
tle feudal societies fighting with one 
another, snapping at one another's heels 
because one has got better water than the 
others and one may have food supplies. If 
that happens to the United States and 
Russia and China, if Japan is crippled by 
massive injections of fallout, if there is less 
fallout in the Southern Hemisphere be- 
cause the winds haye a tendency not to 
cross the equator, will that make Brazil the 
superpower of the planet, or Argentina, or 
Australia? Will Guatemala be a stronger 
power than Great Britain? Now, maybe 
there are people around who know all 
those things, and maybe even the sugges- 
tion of something like that means that I 
don't know what I’m talking about. But I 
think the Government doesn’t know about 
as much as I don’t know and the stuff that 
it does know—such as the size of detona- 
tions and how many, or the diameter of a 
hole created by a 20-megaton bomb—may 
fit nicely into one of its many scenarios. 
But I don’t think those scenarios involve 
people. 

PLAYBOY: Why not? 

NEWMAN: Look at everything else we do. 
We like to sacrifice people in America— 
25,000 a year to bars that serve alcohol; 
50,000 to cars. But somewhere, there's a 
perverted philosophy that's prepared to 
accept one nuclear accident every ten 
ycars, with a loss of 500,000 people. And 
it's the same society that refuses to wear 
seat belts. It’s an abhorrent society out 
there. They're fucking lemmings. 

It's a new philosophy. We are the lem- 
mings of the world; rejoice! A lot of it is the 
public’s fault. Either they're too lazy to 
really find out what’s going on or they 
forget. It’s like a woman in childbirth. She 
forgets the pain of having a child. And 
when David Stockman goes up there and 
really blows the whistle loud and clear— 
“We're just throwing money at the mi 
tary; we don’t have any program; this is 
not supply-side economics; it’s the old 
trickle down”—why don’t they jump up 
and down and scream a lot? Then you get 
Weinberger on the boob tube. He's not 
talking about deterrence any longer. 
Those weapons that he’s talking about— 
the MX and the Trident II and the Per- 
shing II—those are not for the defense of 
the United States. Those are pre-emptive- 
strike weapons. 

PLAYBOY: OK, you're enlightened about 


pu bout the good ol days; you're 
dod. erue our aerobics class." 


PLAYBOY 


212 


this. But take the guy out there on the 
streets. He may be concerned about nu- 
clear warheads, but his basic concerns are 
paying his MasterCard bill and getting 
home at night- 
NEWMAN: Yeah, and knowing exactly 
where the Mets stand, doing all his home- 
work on that, or whether or not Calgary is 
going to win the hockey cup. Or who’s 
going to win the sixth race at Hialeah . . . 
or getting laid. But ¿his nuclear issue tran- 
scends all other issues! It transcends im- 
migration, inflation, unemployment and 
getting laid—because if there’s a miscal- 
culation, all the other issues become 
irrelevant. 

PLAYBOY: But most people can’t see beyond 
inflation and unemployment. 

NEWMAN: We've lost sight ofa lot of things 
in this country. What may be called the 
American trait of individuality and self- 
sufficiency has somehow—like the growth 
of the uncontrolled cancerous cell—been 
transformed into the individual's being 
unwilling and unable to make a short-term 
personal sacrifice for the long-term com- 
munity good. 

PLAYBOY: Do you think anybody even 
knows what that is anymore? 

NEWMAN: The long-term community 
good? No, I don’t think big business does 
I think that's what screwed up Detroit— 
the short-term, every-year profit. You 
know, the Japanese can look at something 
that's going to happen eight, nine, ten, 12 
years in the future. Somebody in the Ford 
family said, “Minicars mean miniprofits.” 
He ain't saying it now. 

PLAYBOY: Of course, you're one of the few 
people who drive a Datsun that gets only 
two miles per gallon. 

NEWMAN: Actually, it gets about 1.8 miles. 
T's my contribution to big oil, one of my 
favorite subjects. Of course, it's hard to 
find out what sort of profit the oil com- 
panies really make, especially afier the 
price rises of 1974. That’s when І helped 
start the Energy Action Committee to try 


to provide information about the oil com- 
panies. If you want to get information 
about oil reserves, where do you go? You 
go to the oil companies. And they'll tell 
you whatever they want to tell you. You 
want to find out about defense informa- 
tion, you know, the only place you can go 
is to the Pentagon. 

PLAYBOY: Don't you feel at a great dis- 
advantage? 

NEWMAN: Absolutely. Lock at what's hap- 
pening with water quality. The Govern: 
ment will relax the Clean Water Act of 
1972, so that instcad of its being manda- 
tory that they remove 85 percent of raw 
waste, it may be necessary to remove only 
25 percent. And they justify that: "Some 
waters are better able to clean themselves 
than others." Look how long it took them 
to dean up Lake Erie. Were eating 
whitefish out of there now. We cleaned 
that fücker up! Well, you've got a 
tremendous flow of water through there. If 
it happened to Lake Superior, it would 
take 1000 years or 100 years. Think about 
it. They're just cleaning the Hudson up 
now. We had a chance to get some clean 
fish, but they're going to fuck it up. That's 
what's so depressing. 

PLAYBOY: Why don't you give up? You 
paint an overwhelmingly gloomy picture. 
NEWMAN: Well, I suppose Um a still- 
operational cynic. But I don't think you 
can stop scrapping just because it looks 
like you're fighting a losing battle. You've 
got to let them know you're still out there. 
PLAYBOY: At least Nixon knew you were 
out there. In 1973, when his enemies list 
was released, there was Paul Newman's 
name right at the top. 

NEWMAN: Well, I could figure out that my 
name was up there for only one reason— 
because there were certainly a lot of bigger 
guns than myself. But onc day, when I was 
campaigning for Eugene M«Carthy in 
New Hampshire, in 1968, I was met at the 
airport with a brand-new Jaguar. I said, 
“Boy, that’s a nifty car. How come we got 
away from Rent-A-Wrecks?” And some- 


“Well, all right, but hurry, would you? I 
haven't got much time." 


one said, "Well, the Jaguar dealer is going 
to give it to us to use for three days up. 
here.” And then I found out, just as I was 
leaving, that the Jag dealer was covering 
his bets. Nixon was coming up for the next 
three days and he was going to get the 
Jaguar. So I put a little note on the dash- 
board and it said, DEAR мк. NIXON: YOU 
‘SHOULD HAVENO TROUBLE DRIVING THIS CAR AT 
ALL, BECAUSE IT HAS A VERY TRICKY CLUTCH. 
And that’s the only reason I could figure 
that I was on the enemies list. 

PLAYBOY: The only reason? 

NEWMAN: Well, I think that's the onc that 
pushed him over. 

PLAYBOY: But that was one of the awards 
you gladly accepted. 

NEWMAN: Oh, yes. 

PLAYBOY: If that isn’t a transition back to 
awards and Oscar fever, nothing is. In 
your 29-year film career, you've been 
nominated for an Oscar five times—for 
Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, The Hustler, Hud, 
Cool Hand Luke and Absence of Malice 
You've never won. By the time this inter- 
view is published, you may finally have 
your shot at it. How much would an Oscar 
mean to you? 

NEWMAN: Theoretically, you'd like to say it 
doesn’t mean anything. I mean, how can 
you compete with another actor? It's like 
trying to say that the Russians are superior 
to us in strategic nuclear weapons or that 
we are superior to them. You trade off 
accuracy for megaton. You trade off a 
Character that is flamboyant and eye- 
catching and electric for a shy, retiring, 
low-key kind of role. Who is to say which 
performance is better? Who started out 
with what? Ultimately, I think there's a 
perverse kind of pleasure that I haven't 
won an Oscar. Actually, Pd like to win an 
award, I think in my 73rd year. Why? Just 
so I could get up there and say, “Well, it’s 
taken a long time." 

PLAYBOY: How do you see yourself at 73? 
Or do you sce yourself at 73? 

NEWMAN: Well, every once in a while, 
when the world is looking particularly 
gloomy, I wish there were a halfway house 
where I could really go, have my friends 
around me, have one last bash and say, 
“ГИ see ya." 

PLAYBOY: Seriously? End it yourself? 
NEWMAN: Well, I'd like to have the cour- 
age to go some way like that, to hita wall at 
terminal speed or something. And yet 
there are a lot of people I've known who've 
had that philosophy in their 40s but who 
hung on by their fingernails as they slipped 
off into the other world. 

PLAYBOY: And what will it be for you? Ter- 
minal-speed impact or a slow, painful 
demise? 

NEWMAN: I don’t think I really have a 
choice. It’s much bigger than one person 
Also, I'm not quite ready to go yet. [A sly 
smile creases his face] After all, salad dress- 
ing was just the beginning! 


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PLAYBOY 


214 


AL MCGUIRE _......:;: va 2» 


“Most males who get obnoxious at sporting events 
have wives who beat the hell out of them at home.” 


I get the hell out. 

So I think the trick to having a long run 
is not to be like glue. There should be 
separate vacations. I go on them. When 
I'm on my separate vacation, that’s hers. 

I have only one life, and it's nonnegoti- 
able. It’s like my brother John says: “In 
marriage, only one person can be happy.” 
So he's being happy. It’s the same in my 
marriage. I'm self-centered. I like myself. 
It’s just my way. 


16. 


ov: We've heard that you have an in- 
g way of telling her of your im- 
pending journeys. 

MCGUIRE: I say something like, “Pat, I'm 
going to New Zealand,” and then I walk 
into the washroom and lock the door. She 


follows me to the door and asks, “Did you 
say that?” I say yes. Then she keeps yell- 
ing and I keep flushing the toilet. 


17. 


pravnoy: You've never been much of a big 
spender, For a guy who delights in Filet-o- 
Fish sandwiches, making $1,000,000 a year 
must present a real quandary. How do you 
manage to spend your money? 
MCGUIRE: I just don’t. I never changed my 
style. I live exactly as I did when I was 
hustling quarters. I don’t stop at McDon- 
ald’s because it costs le: stop there be- 
cause I like it. It’s not an act. I just feel 
comfortable there. I like windows that 
open up to the outside. 

I don't know of anything I want. I like 
my health and seeing my children 


ha 


do good, but I don't need anything. I have 
no interest in wheels, per se. I don't take 
care of them. When I’m eating a candy 
bar, I throw the wrapper on the floor of the 
car. I'm not looking for a nice car that I 
can't throw wrappers in. 


18. 


PLAYBOY: You're fast becoming the Oscar 
Wilde of the Eightics, thanks to your wise 
and colorful aphorisms. Are there any per- 
sonal favorite McGuireisms that you think 
Bartlett's Familiar Quotations ought to 
know about? 

MCGUIRE: A lot of the things I say come 
from a lack of vocabulary. I reach for pic- 
tures, like, “quick as the last Mass at a 
summer resort.” Here are a few others: 
“The blacks will not succeed until you see 
a homely black receptionist." “If someone 
calls you, the third thing he says is usually 
the reason he called” “The person who 
reaches for the check and doesn't get it 
never wanted it in the first place.” “If you 
want to eat good chili, go to a restaurant 
where the waitress’ ankles are dirty. The 
dirtier the place, the better the chili.” And 
“Ifyou want good Mexican food, there has 
to be writing on the men’s-room wall.” 


19. 


PLAYBOY: What do you think gnaws at the 
heart of the loudmouthed, really obnox- 
ious sports fan? 

MCGUIRE: Most males who get obnoxious 
at sporting events have wives who beat the 
hell out of them at home. It’s the only 
chance they get to be macho, like an Alex 
Karras or a Dick Butkus. All the guys who 
are marshmallows want to be Marine drill 
sergeants. But when it’s raining out, they 
put on galoshes. I’ve never met а young 
person who wore galoshes whom I thought 
was successful. In fact, I guarantee you 
that any who wears galoshes to the 
office never misses a coffee break. 


20. 


PLAYBOY: You pick up some pretty good 
change every ycar on the rubber-chicken 
circuit, speaking on your theories of 
motivation. What do you tell those people? 
MGGUIRE: I'm telling people about my life, 
my world, my humor, my fears. I'm telling 
them that whatever they really want, they 
can have. But they must do certain things. 
They mustn't touch the world of excuses 
or ever say, “Someone else got a better 
break than me.” It’s very important for 
people to like themselves and to admit 
what their problems are. If you don’t like 
who you are, then, shit, you must want to. 
make everybody else miserable. 

I feel that I'm 75 percent bullshit and 25 
percent genius. So I try to spend 90 per- 
cent of my time on the 25 percent. Why 
should I spend any time on the other per- 
centage? I can't do anything about that. 
So I think that everyone out there in the 
audience has something. God didn’t miss 


any of us. 


Experience the 
Camel taste in Lights and Filters. 


Warming: The Surgeon General Has Determined 
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health. 


CA 


` Blac 


A classic made easy: an ounce of Kahlúa, two oünces of vodka on the rocks. Mmmmarvelous — because only Kahlúa tastes 
like Kahlüa. You'll find a world of delicious Kahlúa ideas in'oür'recine book. Do send for it. Courtesy of Kahlua, 
of course. Kahlúa, Dept. D, P.O. Box 8925, Universal City, CA 91608. Pssst: Kahlúa is beautiful to enjoy. .. beautiful to give. 
If you'd like extra recipe books to give with it, we'll be happy to oblige. 
(91982 Maidstone Wine & Spirits Inc., Universal City,CA. 


HABITAT 


THIS LITTLE LIGHT OF MINE 


© augment one's basic lighting theme, designers have 
come out with all manner of jazzy little lights that 
shine for a variety of purposes. Want to read in bed at 
three am without waking your sackmate? There's the 
“Itty Bitty” Book Light, belo that works оп А.С. cur- 
rent -or batteries. (The latter, presumably, is for insomniacs who 


Above: The clip-on “Itty Bitty” Book Light, which operates on 110-volt A.C. current or batteries, from Zelco 
Vernon, New York, $30, beams down on two pages of shining little examples. From left to rigl 
is a Littlite, and it's perfect for illuminating hi-fi equipment and home-computer keys, from CAI 
, Chicago, about $65. We especially like the next style: a futur 
table lamp designed by Asahara Sigheaki, from Thunder & Light, New York, $330. Fifth is a brass wall lamp with a hood that swivels and 


George Kovacs table lamp with polished chrome stems, from 


want to plunge into Walden Pond while camping out.) Some 
tiny beamers utilize a quartz halogen bulb that’s coupled with 
a dimmer. And most can be angled to showcase something spe- 
cial. The pint-sized yet powerful Littlite, for example, is 
designed for use with a stereo; switch it on to find an 
LP cut without spoiling the mood. You devil, you. 


Industries, Mount 
: That gooseneck lamp with the tiny hood 
Inc., Hamburg, Michigan, $58. Next to it is a 
looking Tokio 
ts on its 


own base, by Nessen, $134. Last, The Calder, a counterweighted lamp designed by Enrique Franch, with an adjustable head, by Boyd Lighting, $750. 


217 


PLAYBOY 


218 


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A 


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So smart, they adjust to overcast conditions, cutting through fog and Pr 
mist, giving you essential contrast and sharp detail. 


Serengeti eyewear. They act smart and look smart, too. All frames engineered to specifications based on 
NASA studies for precision fit and comfort. All lenses optically ground and polished for distortion-free 
vision. Available in both copper and amber color. 

Serengeti eyewear. Buy a pair. lt may be one of the smartest things you do. 


SERENGETI is a trademark of Corning Glass Works, Corning, New York 14831. 


STEVE EWERT 


FASHION 
LINEN GETS HIGH MARKS 


inen is a slightly coarse, easily wrinkled fabric that seems 
to have been created for Southern climes, where ceiling 
fans and sundowners on the veranda bring a lazy ease to 
the end of each day. That may account for the fact that 
linen has never really caught on in this uptight age of air con- 
ditioning, high-speed efficiency and wrinkle-free sleekness. 
Well, settle back and order another round, gentlemen, because 


Above left: The laid-back luxury of a ventless linen sports jacket with notch lapels and besom pockets, by Hugo Boss, $260, coupled wit 
tab-collar shirt with double-stitched seams, by Ron Chereskin, $32.50; linen tweed slacks with double pleats and angled pockets, by Gary E. Miller 
Associates for Contir, $130; and a woven linen-lock tie, by Yves Saint Laurent, $12.50. Center; Another comfortable combination—a cotton hand- 

and rib-knit trim, about $200, that's worn over a multicolor cotton short-sleeved shirt with a placket 
front, about $50, and natural linen slacks with on-seam pockets and straight legs, about $135, all by Perry Ellis. Right: The coming summer won't 


seem so long and hot in a Belgian- 


the South is about to rise again. In a surge of popularity, linen is 
showing up in everything from a knitted jogging outfit to the 
classically wrinkled suit. And with this upsurge in popularity 
comes a reappreciation of the fabric's versatility and aesthetics 
Although it's light and comfortable, linen retains a certain tena- 
cious character that distinguishes it from other materials. We 
like our linen a little wrinkled— with a tall g & t.— рлмо piatt 


a cotton 


еп unconstructed jacket, about $110, worn over a cotton shirt with shoulder epaulets, about $40, and 
Belgian-linen double-pleated walking shorts with angled pockets and adjustable waist tabs, about $57, all from British Khal 


y Robert Lighton. 


220 


After a dozen years of 
ballet training (how 
else could she dance 
like that), Donna 
turned down the 
National Ballet of 
Canada and moved to 
New York. To develop 
real feline feelings for 
her Cats role (at right), 
King spent hours 
“hanging around” 
with her own two 
cats: "It's almost like 
meditation." In her 
ofístage hours, King 
has appeared in ads 
for her new home, 
New York City. And, 
oh, yes, she's always 
wanted to make a 
James Bond film. 
Gold(inger, watch out. 


The Best of Cats 
Is a Superbly Slinky Feline 


ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY PEOPLE were waiting in line when the 
box office opened for the Broadway musical Cafs. Hmm, 
we wondered, what has a three-hour show about the trials 
of catdom, set in a feline-scale junk yard and based on a 
T. S. Eliot book, yet, got to excite such interest? Are there 
that many true animal lovers, that many frustrated ailu- 
rophiles out there? As curious as a, well, you know, we 
took a look; and we think we've found the answer in the 
person of Donna King. As the blues-singing cat Bombalur- 
ina (left), she prowls, preens, slinks, stalks and stretches 
enough to make even the most jaded tomcat wake up and 
youl, full moon or no. Donna grew up in Kansas City, sang 
in her dad’s C&W band and, since she hit New York five 
years ago, she’s been seen on Broadway in The Best Little 
Whorehouse in Texas and in Can-Can and on the screen in 
Grease 2. Here's lookin’ at you, Donna. Often, we hope. 


len happily admits that her Broadway carcer started 
famous cathouse—in her case, one first showcased 
a ptayeoy article by Larry L. King, The Best Little Whore- 
house in Texas (above), in which the 19-year-old kid from 
K.C. got her big break. No wonder she looks surprised. 


a A 


GRAPEVINE 


The Prince’s Players 

Ina salute to lingerie, we bring you VANITY 6 (left to right, SUSAN, VANITY and 
BRENDA). Prince discovered them, wrote all the songs for and produced their album, 
Vanity 6. They also perform in his show, during which Brenda sings with a banana. 
We've had a couple of good fantasies about that already. If we find out exactly what it’s 
for, we'll report back to you, pronto. 


E 
i 
H 
1 
H 
3 
E 
H 


The James Gang 


We've got to hand it to RICK JAMES. While most 
rock acts use smoke machines to wow a crowd, he 


à makes fire with live props (above and below). Very 
Straight Aeros effectively. We've already reported on James's entry 
Here are the wild-and-woolly boys from Aerosmith—from leit, JOEY KRAMER, TOM into the designer-casualwear business, but we 
HAMILTON, STEVE TYLER, JIMMY CRESPO and RICK DUFAY—in a “formal” portrait. assumed it was jeans and stufí. We'll take two 
Mito rte ote cia ео EASES 


thoughta serious photo would reassure the mothers of America. They're nice boys, right? 


222 


He Can Hang 
on for 48 HRS. 


EDDIE MURPHY is clearly 
grabbing all the gusto—both 
on and off TV. His movie with 
Nick Nolte did big business last 
winter, and Trading Places, co- 
starring Dan Aykroyd and 
Jamie Lee Curtis, is coming 
soon. Until then, we're content 
to watch him and his cronies 
(front row, from left, ROBIN 
DUKE, MARY GROSS, TONY 
ROSATO; back, from left, 
JOE PISCOPO, CHRISTINE 
EBERSOLE and TIM KAZU- 
RINSKY) lampoon everything. 


Just a Little Sippie 


а 
This amazing woman is 84 years old and has been play- ( singin n 
ing the piano and the organ since she was seven. In е Rain 
1923, SIPPIE WALLACE made a test pressing of a single We like what the 
called Shorty George, which sold 100,000 copies in its April showers 
first month of release. After 27 hits, she retired in 1936 did to HAYDEE 
and stayed out of sight until 1965. By 1972, she POMAR. She 
inging with Bonnie Raitt, which she still does. This got her sing- 
picture was taken at a Wallace-Raitt-Dr. John gig. ing start in the 
New York 

Playboy Club. 

Her maga- 

zine debut? 

Celebrity 


WE ALWAYS WONDERED WHAT 
HAPPENED TO THOSE 
SOCIOLOGY MAJORS 


As the music industry falls on hard 
times, its casual operations are being 
streamlined. Take, for example, groupies 
According to several of our associates 
who hang around stage doors, among 
other culturally enlightened venues, the 
once-haphazard 


(some say slipshod) 


China's Ministry of Culture doesn't 
like art such as that above, by Wang 
Keping of Peking, one of The Stars, a 
group of Chinese modernists. But we 
think you can't keep a good piece down. 


groupie selection process is now an or- 
ganized, while not markedly dignified, 
matriculation procedure that, our sources 
say, was first implemented during the Jef- 
ferson Starship tour in the fall of 1982 
This is how it works: Before a concert, 


roadies visually scan the aspiring groupies 
lined up at the stage door and an applica- 
tion for a backstage pass is given to those 
who pass inspection. Actually a sexual- 
behavior questionnaire, the application 
establishes the groupie's sexual whims, 
eliminating those humdrum inquiries from 
the schedules of young rockers on the go. 
A few examples: “Are you hot-natured?” 
“Do you keep your body clean?” “When 
you come, do you (check one) wiggle, 
sob, cry, scream?" “Can you stay out all 
night?" 

The completed applications are eval- 
uated on the spot and those who qualify 
are presented with passes bearing the 
word Fun stamped in upper-case letters. 
We're glad to see that the embattled 
music business is instituting some 
tough new reforms. 


WORKING WIVES 
BRAVE THE KNIVES 


Ifa married couple decides to do some: 
thing permanent about birth control, who 
volunteers to go under the knife? The 
female sterilization procedure involves a 
day in the hospital and is more costly than 
a vasectomy. Still, more women than men 
are sterilized every year, according to the 
Association for Voluntary Sterilization. 

Astudy at the University of Texas at Aus- 
tin investigated how the birth-control de- 
cision is made, and researchers came up 
with this: The female member of a couple 
that has agreed to have a permanent form 
of contraception is more likely to undergo 
the surgery if she works. Among couples 
in which the wife doesn't work, however, 
tbe husband is more likely to get a vasec- 
tomy. The researchers speculate that 
working women take on more of the re- 
sponsibility for birth control because their 
lives would be more disrupted by preg- 
nancy than those of nonworking women. 


There are ways and there are ways of telegraphing your message to the world 
of lotus land. When the European singing star made her Las Vegas debut, her 
management company rented space on this Sunset Strip billboard and 
announced that she was the “Best Gift from France Since the Statue of Liberty.” 


The new Bizarre Sex comic, Omaha, has 
plenty of pussy, lots of tail and a Dicken- 
siansenseofcitylife. It's worth sending two 
bucks to Kitchen Sink Press, Two Swamp 
Road, Princeton, Wisconsin 54968. 


TEEN SEX 


It will likely stun The Eagle Forum, the 
Reverend Jerry Falwell and the Moral 
Majority, but according to a recent report 
in Family Planning Perspectives, sex- 
education classes cannot be related to in- 
creased promiscuity among teenagers. 
F.P.P. based its report on two studies on 
teenagers done in 1976 and 1979 and has 
concluded that the “decision to engage in 
sexual activity is not influenced by 
whether or not teenagers have had sex 
education in school." But sexually active 
teenaged girls who have had sex ed. aren't 
as likely to become pregnant as those who 
haven't. And if Falwell wonders why that 
is so, he should take a sex-education 
class. 


ACCIDENTAL ERECTION 


In a letter to the British medical journal 
The Lancet, a French correspondent wrote 
of a medical accident that could lead to 
stronger and longer erections. Papaverine, 
a muscle relaxant, was accidentally in- 
jected into a hospitalized patient's penis. 
The result was “a prolonged, fully rigid 
erection of two hours’ duration." Later, 
the drug was tested on a small group of 
men with both organically caused (e.g., 
arterial lesions) and nonorganically 
caused impotence. None of the men with 


+ nonorganic problems reported improve- 


ment, but half of those with organic prob- 
lems reported, uh, large improvements. In 
a further test, nearly one third of the organ- 
ically impotent returned to a normal 

sex life after a few months Е 


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225 


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"ANCIENT EVENINGS"—THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF PHAR- 
AOH'S GENERAL, CHOSEN TO BE THE PRIVATE GUARD OF EGYPT'S 
NUMBER-ONE QUEEN. IS HE THE FOX IN THE HENHOUSE? MORE 
FROM THE NEW NOVEL BY NORMAN MAILER 


“NIFTY NASTASSIA"—THE EXOTIC MISS KINSKI, STAR OF CAT PEO- 
PLE, EXPOSED AND, NEXT, UNFAITHFULLY YOURS, POSES FOR 
FAMED PHOTOGRAPHER HELMUT NEWTON. ALL THIS AND A PRO- 
FILE BY BRUCE WILLIAMSON, TOO 


"TERRORISM VERSUS THE U.S."—EXPERTS SAY IT COULD HAPPEN 
HERE AND HAPPEN BIG. ITS GREATEST THREAT MAY BE THAT IT 
TURNS DEMOCRACY INTO DICTATORSHIP, A SOBERING STUDY—BY 
CONTRIBUTING EDITOR LAURENCE GONZALES. PLUS: "А TERROR- 
IST'S GUIDE TO THE 1984 OLYMPICS (AND HOW TO OUTMANEUVER 
HIM)"—HITTING THE GAMES IN LOS ANGELES WOULD BE A PIECE 
'OF CAKE. HOW, WHY AND SOME WAYS TO LOCK THE CUPBOARD— 
BY JAMES P. WOHL 


"DO BISEXUALS REALLY DOUBLE THEIR CHANCES FOR A DATE ON 
SATURDAY NIGHT?"—WOODY ALLEN THOUGHT SO. DO OUR READ- 
ERS AGREE? MORE SURPRISING RESULTS IN PART THREE OF OUR 
REPORT ON THE PLAYBOY READERS' SEX SURVEY 


STEPHEN KING, MASTER OF THE MACABRE, TELLS OF HIS SECRET 
TERRORS (FLYING, THE NIGHT) AND SEXUAL INSECURITIES IN AN 
EYE-OPENING PLAYBOY INTERVIEW 


"THE YEAR IN MOVIES"—ONCE AGAIN, OUR ANNUAL HETROSPEC- 
TIVE OF TINSELTOWN'S GOOD, BAD AND UGLY 


“GIACOBETTI'S EROTIC PORTFOLIO"—WE TURN A ТОР PHOTOG- 
HAPHEH LOOSE AND HE COMES BACK WITH SOME HEART- 
STOPPING SHOTS OF BEAUTIFUL WOMEN 


JIM PALMER IS AN ACE, WHETHER HE'S PITCHING BALLS OR 
BRIEFS. BUT IS PERFECTION MORE THAN SKIN-DEEP? A FASCINAT- 
ING PROFILE BY THOMAS BOSWELL 


The Spirit of America 


The Pacific Northwest by Joel Meyerowitz 


WI 
| 


The men who linked our continent with rails 
helped forge a nation. And at the end of the line, thi 
relaxed with America's native whiskey: Kentucky Bourbon. 
Old Grand-Dad still makes Bourbon just as we 
did in 1882. It's the spirit of America. 


Old Grand-Dad 


Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey 86 Proof. Old Grand- Dad Distillery Co. Frankfort, KY 40601 


There 


Is Only 
One. 


Still the only cigarette that delivers the 
taste of Enriched Flavor smoking. 


It broke all the traditional rules of cigarette- 
making by concentrating on the tobacco end- 
not the filter end-of smoking. 

MERIT. The cigarette that made history 
by delivering the taste of leading brands having 
up to twice the tar. 

It’s the first and only ‘Enriched Flavor: 
cigarette. 

We made it for you. 


Nothing halfway about it. 


MERIT 


Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined ИТ 
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health. к. 
7 mg “tar; 0.5 mg nicotine av. per cigarette, ЕТС Report Dec*81