PLAYBOY

HILL STREET

“THE BIG 0”
BLUES

SCHOOLGRAD
ETTA MARTIN

THE EXOTIC, EROTIC, à GETS HER
REDHEAD, A + YEARBOOK WISH
PICTORIAL SALUTE Занат. TO POSE NUDE

IN PLAYBOY

Australia A 5350

sra.
inland РМК 25.60

France F.F.25.00

Germany DM 10

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E оли mons
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When it comes to great taste,
everyone draws the same conclusion.

557,990. Mfr's sugg: retail price includes о 12-month unlimited mileage, limited warranty. Tronsp,, tox, license, dealer prep add'l

They're going fast.

0 to 50 mph in just 72 seconds.
Sales that have accelerated even
quicker. That's how fast the VW.
Rabbit GTI is moving

And no wonder.

lts been universally acclaimed by
the motoring press as an extraordi-
nary performance car.

With its eager 1.8 litre fuel-injected
engine. Its crisp 5-speed transmis-
sion. And the very precise way its
suspension contends with a road.

But that same motoring press has
also hailed the German engineered,
German designed Rabbit СТІ as an
extraordinary bargain. Just $7,990"

Now theres only one way to catch
о Rabbit that goes as fast as this one
You have to sneak
up on it. At your VW.
dealer, of course.

Nothing else is a Volkswagen.

О ае U Teil Лау Agita FCCOICIS

to computerized tape decks that make digital recordings,
nobody delivers the startling realism

of digital sound like Technics.

The challenge: to eliminate the
audible differences between live music
and its recorded counterpart.

The solution: Technics digital audio
technology.

Technics digital technology is not a
conventional (analog) process of music
reproduction as in ordinary turntables
and tape decks. Instead, music that
is recorded in the digital process

alsoto distortion that c сап ruin music.
When you play back a digital disc or
tape, the numerical code is translated
back into music. And the sound is
indistinguishable from the original.
With all of this digital technology
Technics has emerged as the only
manufacturer to bring you not one,
but three digital components. For
both tape and disc formats.
First there is the extraordinary
Technics SL-P10 Compact Disc Player.
The SL-P10 uses a standard 4.7-inch
‚ grooveless, digitally encoded disc. This
Compact disc (CD) is not played in the
conventional sense with a tracking
stylus that can damage a record.
Instead it is scanned by a computerized
laser system. There is по wear on the
disc, and the music is reproduced with
a purity that could only be digital.
And:the SL-P10 сап be programmed
2 а specific cut, play a series of cuts
lay axut repeatedly.

а cg
eee,
ck the astonishing `
orig ly encoded music * `

If you already have a video cassette
recorder, the ingenious Technics SV-100
Digital Audio Processor connects to
your VCR. This endows it with the same
kind of computerized digital capability
as our digital cassette recorder.

And whatever the future of audio
holds, digital and beyond, Technics is
committed to leading you to it.

м

Technics

Тһе science of sound

жо”

anadians

Enjoy the smoothest Canadian ever. The ч
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PLAYBILL

CONTRIBUTING EDITOR John Blumenthal and writer Betsy Cramer
tailed the entire cast of America's favorite cop show, Hill Street
Blues, tor this month's Playboy Interview. Says Blumenthal, “This
is my second exercise im crowd control—the first was for
PLAYBOY'S МВСУ Saturday Night cast Interview іп 1977. Next, 1
hope to interview Lebanon." We wish him luck—something that
also helps when you're tracking down the female orgasm.

Fortunately, we were able to turn to the women readers who
participated in our own sex survey. In this month's report, The
Playboy Readers Sex Survey, Part V: The Female Orgasm, they re-
veal, among other things, that sexual synchronization із the one
thing orgasmic women are better at than the rest. Associate Edi
tor Kate Nolan sings a lament for derailed orgasm in an accom-
panying sidebar, Going Bump т the Night. And speaking of
female territory, we'll bet you haven't the faintest idea what real-
ly happens when your date toddles off to "the powder room,"
even though face powder gave way to the wet look years ago. F
a funny look behind the pink door, check out cartoonist/writer
Mimi Pend's Secret of the Powder Room, from the book of the same
title due ош soon from Holt, Rinehart & Winston. Pond is the
one who brought you The Valley Girl's Guide lo Life

When Contributing Photographer Richard Fegley әсі about
shooting this month's pictorial Reds, he got an insider's view of
onc spectacular minority group from Stephen Douglas, president
of Redheads, International Club.

The hot question on every keyboard virtuoso's mind is "Will
they laugh when I sit down to play?" This month. computer
whiz Peter А. McWilliams, the celebrated author of The Personal
Computer Book, anticipates that question and others in Fear of
Interfacing: A User-Friendly Computer Primer, the first in a three-
part series designed to teach you how to make a computer obey,
fetch and roll over. Lesson number one: A terminal is not whe
you go to catch a bus

There was a time when the technology of success seemed a lot
simpler—you just plugged in your guitar and waited. Some had
to wait longer than others. For instance, take The Del-
Crustaceans—Berler, Gobby, Jack, Drew, P.J., Mike and a
group of marginal rockers who got together at Northwestern
University in 1971. Each has gone on to a real job. but none can
give up the band, which by now is a very special men’s club.
Band member Rick Telander telis their story іп Rock and Roll, 1
Gave You the Best Years of My Life, illustrated by Erika King.

This month, we've zeroed іп on a forthcoming Fawcett book.
Inside Football, хо give you a look at the collegiate teams that are
most promising for the wagering fan in The Spread: A Sporting
Man’s Guide to College Football, prepared by a team of statisti-
cians and writers working under the guidance of John A. Walsh.
Painter Roy Schnackenberg wins points for the artwork. If youre
catching most of your sport: n on TV these days, you should
peruse Ron Powers’ The Last Great Network Olympics, adapted from
the Pulitzer Prize winner's new book, Superiube: The Rise of Tele-
vision Sports, to be published by Coward-McCann. Here, he
speculates on ABC's complex 1984 Olympics coverage. There's a
sportingly sexual twist in frequent contributor Reg Potterton’s
Quantrill and the Goldfish (artwork by Don Baum). It's about a
rich guy who moves to an English vill
whose destiny—and other parts—interlocks with his. This is not
just another fish story.

Gury Witzenburg chases down the peppi
around in Pocket Rockels, and Contributing Editor David Rensin
catches up with the benign thorn in Frank Sina
impressionist/comedian and Saturday Night Liver Joe Piscopo, in
20 Questions. Finally, do yourself a favor—turn to sharp-
shooter Pompeo Роза/5 portfolio of brand-new high school grad
Loretta Martin and then take a look at Miss October, Tracy Vaccaro.
‘These pictures are worth at least a few thousand words.

ts a friend

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Introducing the Canon four head and a Ѕайсог? pickup tube similar to those used оаа,
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First, Canon Accu-Vision™ introduced pictures that look that titles images right in the camera.
broadcast quality. It was only logical. Canon has long designed The companion VT-10A tuner/timer can be programmed up
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Now. the new VR-20A four-head portable video cassette for the battery and WL-10A sixteen-function wireless remote
recorder joins the Canon Accu-Vision control for the deck.
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PLAYBOY

vol. 30, no. 10—october, 1983 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE
PLAYBILL ....... З оа em. 5
THE WORLD OF PLAYBOY . . . E 13
DEAR PLAYBOY ا‎ fes cre А 15
PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS А А А рй 21
VIEWPOINT: AIDS: JOURNALISM IN A PLAGUE YEAR DAVID NIMMONS 35
MEN да т ees ASA BABER 39
WOMEN. aue -. CYNTHIA HEIMEL 41
THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR. . 43 Ravishing Redheads
DEAR PLAYMATES 4 47
THE PLAYBOY FORUM 2 А 8.52 = 2 49
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: HILL STREET BLUES— candid conversation. . 5 A 61
THE LAST GREAT NETWORK OLYMPICS—article. . . RON POWERS 72
BRUNETTE AMBITION— pictorial c aes 3 ee Б 79
QUANTRILL AND THE GOLDFISH—fiction . . .... REG POTTERTON 84
PLAYBOY'S FALL AND WINTER FASHION FORECAST—attire . HOLLIS WAYNE 87
THE PLAYBOY READERS’ SEX SURVEY, PART V—article. . . 8 92

GOING BUMP IN THE NIGHT .... ...... KATE NOLAN 186
COMING BACK STRONG— playboy's playmate of the month ..... . 98
PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES—humor........... CHE E "SU
SPORTING MAN'S GUIDE TO COLLEGE FOOTBALL—sports .. JOHN A. WALSH 114

AGAINST THE SPREAD—opinion ..... ...-ANSON MOUNT 149
POCKET ROCKETS—modern living ........ GARY WITZENBURG 116
COMPUTERS: FEAR OF INTERFACING—article PETER A. MC WILLIAMS 118
THE POWER OF DARKNESS—drink. . 55 EMANUEL GREENBERG 122 Trocy's Terrific
WINNERS — pictorial А 2222... LEROY NEIMAN 124
20 QUESTIONS: JOE PISCOPO 130
ROCK AND ROLL: THE BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE—memoir RICK TELANDER 132

Verus e. 136

PLAYBOY FUNNIES—humor .......... 1 150
BERNARD AND HUEY— satire. JULES FEIFFER 155
THE SECRET OF THE POWDER ROOM—humor . 22... MIMI POND 190 À
PLAYBOY ON THE SCENE . . TORS ? 2 209 Foshion Forecast

COVER STORY

We didn't want this month's cover to appear un-Kemped, so Miss December
1982, Chorlotte Kemp, returns to foreshadaw Reds, the most possionate
collection of redheads this side of Tipperory (see poge 136). Designed by
Managing Art Director Kerig Pope, the cover also features a crystal perfume
deconter—camplete with directional stopper—creoted for Bill Arsenault's
cover photograph. The decanter was designed with Charlotte in mind.

GENERAL OFFICES: rLAvRÓY Dun binc. an ко

PLAYBOY

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PLAYBOY

HUGH M. HEFNER
editor and publisher

NAT LEHRMAN associate publisher

ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director
TOM STAEBLER att director
DON GOLD managing editor
GARY COLE photography director
С. BARRY GOLSON executive editor

EDITORIAL

ARTICLES: JAMES MORGAN editor; КОВ FLEDER
associate editor; FICTION: ALICE к. TURNER.
editor; ‘TERESA GROSCH associate editor; WEST
COAST: STEPHEN RANDALL. editor; STAFF: WIL
ЦАМ J. HELMER, GRETCHEN MC NEESE. PATRICIA
PAPANGELIS (administration), DAVID STEVENS
senior editors; ROBERT E. CARR, WALTER LOWE, JR.
JAMES R. PETERSEN senior staff wrilers; KEVIN
СООК, BARBARA NELLIS, KATE NOLAN, } F
OR. JOHN REZEK associate editors; SUSAN
AS-WINTER associate new york editor;
DAVID IONS assistant editor; MODERN LIV-
ING: ED WALKER associate editor; JIM BARKER
assistant editor; FASHION: HOLLIS WAYNE con-
tributing editor; HOLLY BINDERUP assistant editor;
CARTOONS: MICHE URRY editor; COPY:
ARLENE BOURAS editor; JOYCE RUBIN assistant editor;
NANCY BANKS, CAROLYN BROWNE, JACKIE JOHNSON,
MARCY MARCHI, BARI LYNN NASH, DAVID TARDY, MARY
ZION researchers; CONTRIBUTING EDITORS:
ASA BABER. JOHN BLUMENTHAL, LAURENCE GONZALES,
LAWRENCE CROBEL. ANSON MOUNT, PETER ROSS
Ê, DAVID RENSIN, RICHARD RHODES, JOHN SACK.
ARIZ (television), DAVID STANDISH.
LLIAMSON (movies), GARY WITZENBURG

AR’
RERIG rore managing director; CHET SUSKI, LEN
IS senior directors; BRUCE HANSEN, THEO
KOUVATSOS, SKIP WILLIAMSON associate directors;
JOSEPH PACZER assistant director: BETH KASIK
senior art assistant; ANN SEIDL, CRAIG SMITH art
assistants; SUSAN HOLMSTROM traffic coordinator;
BARBARA HOFFMAN administrative manager

PHOTOGRAPHY
MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast editor; Jerr
COHEN senior editor; JAMES LARSON, JANICE
MOSES associate editors; PATTY BEAUDET. LINDA

KENNEY, MICHAEL ANN SULLIVAN assistant editors;
POMPEO POSAR staff photographer; DAVID NECEY,
KERRY MORRIS associate staff photographers; віл.
ARSENAULT, MARIO CASILLI. DAVID CHAN,
RICHARD — FEGLEY, ARNY FREYTAG, FRANCIS
GIACOMETH, к. SCOTI HOOPER, KICHAKD. IZU.
LARRY L LOGAN, KEN MARCUS contributing
photographers; LISA STEWART (Rome) contrib-
uting editor; james WARD color lab supervisor;
ROBERT CHELIUS business manager

PRODUCTION
JOUN MASTRO director; ALLEN VARGO manager;
MARIA MANDIS asst. ШЕТ; ELEANORE WAGNER,
JODY JURGETO, RICHARD QUARTAROLI assistanus

READER SERVICE.
CYNTHIA LACEY-SIKICH manager

CIRCULATION
RICHARD SMITH director; ALVIN WIEMOLD sub-
scription manager

ADVERTISING
HENRY W. MARKS director

ADMINISTRATIVE
J. P. TIM DOLMAN assistant publisher; PAULETTE
GAUDET rights & permissions manager; MILDRED
ZIMMERMAN administrative assistant

PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES, INC.
CHRISTIE HEFNER presidenl; MARVIN 1. HUSTON
executive vice-president

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THE WORLD OF PLAYBOY

in which we offer an insider’ look at what's doing and who's doing it

PLAYBOY GOES ON A DATE

Below, Hugh Hefner demonstrates the simple vir-
tues of strolling down Main Street, U.S.A., Dis-
neyland, with the beautiful girl next door, upcoming
Playmate and last April's cover girl Carrie Lee. You’re
right; Hef actually lives in his own fantasyland, but
sometimes it’s nice to get out into the real world.

pet

JOAN’S GOT THE LOOK YOU
WANT TO KNOW BETTER

Above, actress Joan Collins watches Hef and guest
Bob Cohen match muscles at Mansion West. If you
think Hef's arm blocks the best part of this shot,
relax. Joan stars in her own pictorial in Decem-
ber. And Hef promises to stay out of the pictures.
Meanwhile, here's looking at you, Joan—eagerly.

MIGHTY FAST RABBIT

This year is the 25th that
Playboy has flown with the
Marines’ Electronic Warfare
Squadron 2. At left, one of the
15 EA-6B Prowler twinjets that
bear our logo. Be-

low, Ross Ehlert
Photo Labs’ entry in the Road
America Cup $2000 Racing
Series. These Chicago guys
are quick. They get to see our
gatefold shots before we do.

=

сеги

[Osa rere cae

THE HIPPEST GARDENER IN HOLMBY HILLS

If you wonder how Hef's garden grows, just take a look at what was іп
flower last Memorial Day weekend on the poolside terrace at Playboy
Mansion West. This type of horticulture is a lifestyle requiring great
care and plenty of pajamas. These are the best blooms since the
Bess Truman orchid; and, frankly, we don't know how Hef does it.

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DEAR PLAYBOY

ADDRESS DEAR PLAYBOY
PLAYBDY BUILDING
919 N. MICHIGAN AVE.
CHICAGO, ILLINDIS 60611

SHAKE IT UP.

Do I detect a note of sexist bias їп your
July article on experimental sex (The
Playboy Readers’ Sex Survey, Part Four)? If
so, shame on you! I read the whole piece
and the only thing that bothers me is one
sentence. With regard to vibrators, after
reporting that “а third of the men say
they have tried [them] at least once," you
editorialize, “We presume the majority of
them use a vibrator to help stimulate their
partners.” Why presume that? My lover
enjoys it when I use a vibrator on him (to
massage his scrotum, anus and perineum)
and even requests it occasionally. Your
presumption implies that you'd consider
that unmanly, but let me hasten to assure
you that it is not. And let me add (in the
event you'd like to give it a шу) that it's
best done on low power.

Shari Migdol
Los Angeles, California

WEAVER OF SCHEMES
From оғ who was at Baltimore’s

Memorial Stadium in 1968 on the night
Earl Weaver took over as Orioles man-
ager—thanks for а fine Playboy Interview
(July). Hurry back, Earl

James Green

New York, New York

BUT DID YOU GET MOSQUITO BYTES?

1 enjoyed John Sack's Letters from Com-
puter Camp in the July тлүвоу and
thought you might like to know about the
long-term effects а computer camp can
have. I started to learn В! n the Ith
grade, in February 1977. We didn’t dream
of microcomputers then—we played Star
Trek on a pair of clickety-clack mechanical
teletypes that broke once a week. The first
BASIC program I wrote printed outa tele-
typed birthday card to a girl named Rene,
whom I had a crush on. I learned that it is
impossible to impress a girl with a com-
puter. I went to college to become an en-
gineer but changed my major to compu
science when I realized that I couldn't

solve engineering problems and really
didn’t like higher math. I did like bits and
bytes, though. I picked up the nickname
Astro somewhere along the line, since I
closely follow the progress of NASA, and
that brings me to my sccond, entire
related point. 1 think рглүвоү ought to
establish a prize, say 550,000, for the first
couple to prove they copulated more than
100 miles above sea level. Having thought
it up and, thus, having a head start on the
competition, I hereby disqualify myself
Richard Gough
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

un-

BABBLING BROOKS

Paul Slansky makes onc error in his
Albert. Brooks Is Funnier than You Think
(pLayuoy, July). Three's Company is actual-
ly a direct lifting of a successful British TV
series, Man About the House. Jack Tripper,
Janet and Chrissy were originally Robin
Tripp, Jo and Chrissy; their landlords
were the Ropers. The undersexed Mr
Roper consented to the ménage when con-
vinced by the girls that Robin was gay.
The first episcde of both shows had the
girls finding Tripp/Tripper in their tub on
the morning after a party for their depart-
ing third roommate. Brooks is a funny
man. He does not need credit for a series
he did rot create

John T. Graham

Kingston, Ontario

THE THINGS HE DID FOR ENGLAND
Thanks to you and to Danny Biederman
for The 007 Sex Quiz (ғілуноу, July). It is
a true test to the James Bond nuts of the
world. I grew up with Bond movies and
still watch them endlessly on a VCR
Although they have strayed rather severe-
ly from the books, they never fail to hold
my interest after two decades. I'd say that
the outcome of this year’s “battle of the
Bonds" will be determined by the films
content and not by the actors in the lead
roles. As a genuine Bond fan, I'll sec them

Success
is often measured
by how deeply
youre inthe Black.

Johnnie Walker Black

12 YEAR OLD BLENDED SCOTCH WHISKY.
IMPORTED BY SOMERSET IMPORTERS, LTD., N Y © 1983
'86.8 PROOF. BOTTLED IN SCOTLAND.

PLAYBOY

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PLAYBOY

Our lines are open! Now,
anytime, day ornight, you
can dial The Playboy Ad-
visor for pre-recorded tips
on sex, dating, fashion,
stereo and lots more. Or
dial Playboy's Party Jokes,
a line that’s sure to leave
you laughing.

Call now! We're waiting to
hear from you.

Need advice?
The Playboy Advisor
312-976-4343

Need a laugh?
Playboy's Party Jokes
312-976-4242

both. Oh, by the way—I got all 42 ques-
tions correct, Better luck next time.

John Wilber

Terre Haute, Indiana

I hate to sound picky. I also hate to
criticize, especially when most of the other
letters in this column will praise your pub-
lication. However, as a loyal rrAvsoy fan
and a loyal James Bond enthusiast, I have
to point out that the woman identified as
Cassandra Harris in July’s The Spy They
Love to Love pictorial is not Harris. In fact,
the photo isn’t even from For Your Eyes
Only, as you aver. The scene pictured is
the opening of The Spy Who Loved Me. If
Tm not mistaken, the correct picture of
Harris was printed in a recent Sex in Cine-
ma. Just as it’s hard to keep track of all the
beauties in PLAYHOY, it is also hard to keep
track of all of Bond's ladies.

David Annos
Warren, Ohio

SHOCK OF THE NEW

Hesh Kestin’s The C Team (PLAYBOY,
July) is a very important piece of work.
The madmen who build chemical and bac-
teriological weapons are adding a deadly
frosting to the hydrogen bomb/neutron
bomb cake. Kestin takes it out of the oven,
piping hot and ready to burst at any
minute with plague, pestilence and the
grinning specter of death jumping up
and shouting, “Surpris

Н. Shoemaker
Omaha, Nebraska

GOOD LEIA

By far the mest sensuous photograph in
your July issue is the one taken by Benno
Friedman of lovely Carrie Fisher for 20
Questions. Miss Fisher conveys a sparkling
sexuality that, though subtle, is extremely
exciting.

Dudley Dunlavey
Palo Verdes, California

PLAYMATE'S LAST GLEAMING?

When I saw your July cover, I knew
the wait was over. Ever since the 25th
Anniversary Issue appeared, Гуе longed
to see Ruth Guerri in her full glory. She is
absolutely flawless! The only thing I want
now is one more look at Miss July.

Sonny Carreño
San Marcos, Texas

I can only stand in awe as you keep
coming up with the most beautiful women
on earth! July Playmate Ruth Guerri
leaves me swimming in fantasy. As I turn
40 this year, ТЇЇ take comfort in the fact
that my dream woman in fact lives

J. F. Smith
Brighton, Massachusetts

I bet you get plenty of letters from men
telling you how much they love all those
beautiful women you feature. Well, Pm а

PLAYBOY

22-year-old female who is, unfortunately,
145 pounds overweight. I look through
your magazine dreaming that someday I'll
look like one of those girls, | finally found
the one I most want to look like. Her name
is Ruth Guerri. I have very high stand-
ards, and she fits them. I took out her cen-
terfold; it is now posted prominently in my
room. It will serve as an incentive for me
to lose weight. Keep up the quality work
you're known for, and wish me luck!
Barbara Mercer
Zanesville, Ohio
We'd be the last to suy every woman has lo
look like the Playmate of the Month, but we
wish you luck and happiness.

First it was Lonny Chin, then Susie
Scott and now Ruth Guerri as my choice
for Playmate of the Year. Ruth is really
going to be tough to beat.
attention the second I se
cr, and when 1 found her in the centerfold,
I was sitting on cloud nine. Ruth is an
absolute fireworks show. Please shoot off
another display for an encore!

James Steele
Portland, Oregon

Hold on to those Roman candles, men—

were running up one more shot of our

pyrotechnic Playmate. Think anybody's going
lo salute?

AFGHANS REBEL

I am writing in reference to a caption
that appears in Francis Giacobetti's picto-
rial Erogenous Parts in the July issue of
PLAYBOY, The photograph shows a woman
wearing nothing but a veil, exposing her
genitals, and is accompanied by the cap-
tion, “The Afghan rebel opens a dialog
with the non-Moslem world.” Afghan men
and women are engaged іп а war against
the Soviet Union for their political, reli-
gious and cultural freedom. They are de-
cent, honorable and modest. Many have
lost their children, husbands and fathers in

a war for freedom that began in December
1979 and continues to this day. I welcome
a response to this letter. Since there are
more than 10,000 Afghans living in this
country, I think an apology should be
forthcoming.

Joanne Hodde
Ramsey, New Jersey

It takes Сіасореці to show us how
erogenous a zone can be. But of what avail
the advance of civilization if our turn-on
i the untrimmed bush of the
“savage”?

Joe Dennison

West Palm Beach, Florida

We have only admiration for the Afghans,

and we apologize to those uho took offense at
the lightness of our tone.

MALE CALL
Asa Baber's monthly Men essays are, in
themselves, more than worth the price of
т.Аүвоу. Baber is blessed with an inherent
sense of reason and fairness as well as an
eloquent pen. Additionally, he has the
courage to stand almost alonc in his efforts
to expose some of the less rational aspects
of male-female relations, profering rem-
edy, sanity and hope. It is entirely possi-
ble to promote the cause of women without
hing the cause of men; hypocrisy and
hate accomplish nothing. They have cer-
tainly accomplished nothing through the
past several decades of strife. The catch-
word for the Eighties should be neither
feminism nor chauvinism. It should sim-
ply be humanism.
Steven Wineinger
North Haven, Connecticut

NAKED TRUTH
In Playboy's Roving Eye on Norman

Rockwell (July), you pose the question
“Did The Saturday Evening Post run nudes
on its cover?" The answer is yes. Well, sort
of. In 1906, J. C. Leyendecker, Rockwell's
mentor, painted the Post's first female
nude. That New Year's baby was the first.
of 36 Leyendecker created for the maga-
zine. Babies don’t count? OK. The August
20, 1955, cover, illustrated by Rockwell
himself, depicted а burly lobsterman lug-
ging home his lobster pot. His catch was a
demure mermaid, sans seaweed. The lob-
ster pots slats protected the maid’s
charms from too-close scrutiny, but some
Post readers thought the cover obscene. A
1955 poll of readers’ letters resulted in the
following count: in poor taste, 11; obscene,
21; not obscene, 245. 1 can only won-
der what the count would have been had
PLAVHOY not been around for the preceding
two years.

Carol Brown McShane, Archivist

"The Saturday Evening Post Society

Indianapolis, Indiana

—

сЕ
ESCORT WINS AGAIN!

JULY 1983 BMWCCA ROUNDEL TEST

^... the filter (ST/O/P) ESCORT is simply outstanding.

.. Unit decreased non-police alerts by over 90%.
a price far below that of many other detector units.

The ESCORT simply keeps getting better.’

<a

ESCORT WINS

MAY 1983 CAR and DRIVER TEST

Ге Escort looks so comfortable, contented, and

familiar at the top of the heap that it's hard to see

that something new and special has been added.

live with a new Escort for а while and you'll realize

it has advanced new circuitry that should go down as a

genuine breakthrough "

——
ESCORT WINS

NOV 1982 CAR and DRIVER TEST

"Ihe Escort, a perennial favorite of these black-box
comparisons, is still the best radar detector money
can buy. The Escort is a quality piece of hardware.”

ESCORT WINS
DEC 1981 BMWCCA ROUNDEL TEST

"The Escort is a highly sophisticated: and sensitive
detector that has been steadily improved over the.
years...In terms of what all it does. nothing else
Comes Close.

ESCORT WINS

SEPT 1980 CAR and DRIVER TEST

"Ranked according to performance. the Escort is first
choice... The Escort boasts the most careful and
Clever planning, the most pleasing packaging, and the
‘most solid construction of the lot.”

ESCORT WINS
MAY 1980 BMWCCA ROUNDEL TEST

“This unit... consistantly outperformed the other prod-

ucts and is the standard to which the others are
compared. If you want the best. this is it. There is
nothing else like it.

7
ESCORT WINS
FEB 1979 CAR and DRIVER TEST

“Only one model, the Escort, truly stood out from the
rest...once you try the Escort, all the rest seem а
bit primitive. In no test did any of the other detectors
even come close.”

Tal kback en сама 2

Tune in:
America's New Weekly Satellite Call-in Comedy Talk Show.
“Mr. Galvin isa master. -bis shou is зо unusual that people
actually set aside time Vo listen. "һе Wall Street Journal)
Sonday evenings on public radio stathons, Check local tings.

ESCORT:

“А GENUINE BREAKTHROUGH"

lı you keep up with magazine tests, you know that
ESCORT does more than just outperform other radar
detectors. In its most recent evaluation, Car and Driver
concluded: “The Escort radar detector is clearly the
leader in the field in value, customer service, and
performance... But pertormance, as measured by
warning distance, is not the new breakthrough. After
all, ESCORT has been beating all comers since its
introduction in 1978.

Now There's More To It

While long detection range is obviously essential it
does nothing to solve a problem that has cropped up in
the last year. In fact, increasing range by itself just
makes the problem worse. If you already have a good
Superheterodyne unit, you know what we mean. A new
generation of imported detector transmits radar signals,
‘and can set off your unit as far 25 a mile away. The
longer the range of your unit, the farther away you find
them. As Car and Driver pointed out last November:
"Since there are far more detectors on the road then
police radar units, interference .. could become а
genuine nuisance.

Low Level Contamination

Al first it was just an irritation, At least ESCORT
owners had a way of distinguishing the polluters from
the real thing. Our unique audio warning differentiates
between the two police radar bands: it “beeps” for X
band and "braps" for К band. The polluters’ trashy
signals triggered both warnings at once. and made a
new sound — different than the sounds for police radar.
(The rest of the industry didn't even know there was
а new problem. Their detectors were making the same
Sounds as always, just more often)

Radar Epidemic
As more and more of the “polluting detectors” hit the
streets, the problem became more serious И опе of
the “polluters” is approaching in an oncoming lane,
the alarm from your detector is brief. But if it's traveling
the same direction as you, your alarm can go on for
miles. And the offending detector doesn't have to be in
the car right next to yours. It can be ahead or behind,
and up to a mile away. A very serious problem indeed.

FOR ESCORT OWNERS ONLY

The new ST/0/P technology incorporated in ай new ESCORTS is
adaptable to all ESCORTS trom serial number 200,000 to 309,999.
The “8Т/0/Р Retrofit’ costs 575, and includes adding the 5Т/0/Р
digital столу with memory and totally retuning and realigning
the unit. The ESCORT's one year limited warranty will also te
extended to a dale one year alter the conversion. and of course
the shipping costs to retum the unit to you are included

Pollution Clean-Up
The problem required an entirely new approach. Examining
the interference from these imports, our engineers dis-
Covered a subtle difference between their signals and
those of police radar, even though they were on the
Same frequency, The solution, then, was to design new
Circuitry that would reject the pollution while— and this.
was the hard part— maintaining ESCORT s industry-
leading response to pulsed and instant-on rada. We
named it 5Т/0/Р” (STatistical Operations Processor),
and it consists of a CMOS digital processor with built-
іп memory. ST/O/P is not simple, and it's not cheap.
But is, in our opinion, the most important breakthrough.
іп radar detection since superheterodyne. Car and Driver
would seem to agree: "Now, all the world's Radio
Shack detectors can hum right by your car in full
microwave broadcast mode
and yout Escort will sit on
your dash as politely and
silently as а canary-fed cat.

Peace of Mind

With ST/O/P, we've put the complications necessary
to cope with today's radar problems inside — where they
work automatically. Just install ESCORT. plug it into.
your cigar lighter, and turn it on. ESCORT does the
fest If you encounter a signal from a “polluting detector.”
ESCORT keeps quiet while maintaining its lookout for
police radar. If the signal is the real thing, ESCORT
immediately alerts you both audibly and visually. And,
unlike other detectors that keep you guessing about
the radar's location, ESCORT's signal-strength meter.
moves upscale as you approach and its variable-rate
beeper/brapper pulses faster. You get the full story.

To insure efficient and prompt service, we will use a special
reservation system for scheduling the “ST/O/P Retrofit” service.
DO NOT SEND YOUR ESCORT. but please send a card or letter (no.
[hore calls, please) with your name. address. and serial number
Хо tfe following special processing address:

ST/O/P Reservations, Р.О. Box 228, Mason, Ohio 450.
We will then send you a Special shipping label and details on h
and when you can send us your ESCORT.

—CAR and DRIVER

It's Simple

Ifyou want the best. there's no reason to look anywhere
else. But don't take our word for it. Try ESCORT at no
risk, Open the box, install ESCORT on your dash or
visor, and take 30 days to test it. If you're not absolutely
satisfied, we'll refund your purchase and pay for the
postage costs to return it. You can't lose. ESCORT is
Sold factory direct, so knowledgeable support and pro-
fessional Service are only a phone call or parcel
delivery away. And we back ESCORT with a full one
yeat limited warranty. Order today and let ESCORT
change radar for you forever.

Do It Today
I's easy to order an ESCORT, by тай or by phone.

By Phone: Call us toll free. A member of our
sales staff will be glad to answer any ques-
tions and take your order. (Please have your
Visa or MasterCard at hand when you call)

CALL TOLL FREE... 800-543-1608
IN OHIO CALL. . .800-582-2696

By Май: We'll need to know your name and
street address, daytime phone number, and
how many ESCORTS you want. Please enclose.
а check, money order. or the card number and
expiration date trom your Visa or MasterCard.

ESCORT (Includes Everything)... 5245.00
Ohio residents add $13.48 sales tax.

VISA

Speedy Delivery
If you order with а bank check, money order.
credit card, or wire transfer, your order is pro-
cessed for shipment immediately. Personal or
Company checks require an additional 18 days.

d ©. SE
RADAR WARNING RECEIVER
ыыы:

Cincinnati Microwave
Department 1007

One Microwave Plaza
Cincinnati, Ohio 45242-9502

cu (e MSUPERMETEHODTNE ЧЫ.

„р “.,.» ۰ at
е cdm Р Seagram's V.O. It's everything \

> „= you never expected. А drink thara І
=з ж» unexpectedly smooth. Surprisingly light. ^. е
-— کہ‎ Mixed or straight, 0 "(азе the 224 >;
аж difference. Just be as smart .
r about how you drink as you are Ch,
p about what you drink. Then taste V.O.

And toast all the others goodbye.

Break away from the ordinary. Ту the drink that leaves the rest behind. |

PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS

BUTTERBALL BABY

A lesbian who helped her former lover
become pregnant through artificial insemi-
nation is suing to win visitation rights. It
seems that Linda J. Loftin, a 34-year-old
Pittsburg, California, postal worker, aided
her then-lover, Mary Flournoy, now 31, in
getting knocked up back in November
1977. The insemination was achicved in
the couple’s home, with Loftin wielding a
turkey baster.

The squirt worked, putting a baby in
the oven, and Flournoy delivered a healthy
girl the following year. After Loftin moved
out, Flournoy applied for Aid to Families
with Dependent Children to get money to
support her daughter. When the local dis-
trict attorney's office asked why the child's
father wasn’t paying support, says Flour-
noy's lawyer, Karen Anderson Ryer, “she
basically said, “There is no daddy—here’s
the turkey baste

By the Р.А reckoning, the hand that
squeczed the turkey-baster bulb is as guilty
as any ejaculating male. And in October
1981, a family judge ordered Loftin to be-
gin paying 8100 a month to support the
child.

.
This is not a Polish joke. Spectators

have been banned from this year’s Miss

Poland beauty pageant in Warsaw.

.

А slide lecture by Arlene Blum, who led
the first American all-women expedition in
the Himalayas, was titled “Annapurna: А
Woman's Place Is on Top."

A SPREE GROWS IN BROOKLYN.

What do you do with old sneakers? In
Brooklyn, young matives tie the laces
together and toss them so that they wrap
themselves around telephone wires, lamp-
posts, traffic signals and power lines. As
12-year-old Sultan Althaibani, who cele-
brated the end of seventh grade this year

by hanging six pairs of sncakers around
the neighborhood, explained, “It’s fun.
It's something to show off.” Robert Terte,
a New York Gity Board of Education
spokesman, told reporters that he has
made no formal move to attack the prob-
lem, adding, “You don't tell kids not to
put beans up their nose.”

.

То promote sales of A Man of Honor, the
autobiography of a successful Sicilian im-
migrant, Books Brothers in Tucson has
posted in its window Yrs, wr HAVE JOE
BOXANNO'S.

.
Club Hirondelle in Stratford, Ontario,
is devoted to the promotion of the French

language and culture in the area. It offers,
for example, French classes to interested
residents. Last winter, a young lady en-
rolled in the Beginning Oral French
course. Аз the class was getting under way,
she asked the instructor, “What does
hirondelle mean?” When he replied,
“Hirondelle means swallow,” she just
stared at him for a few seconds, picked up
her purse and stiffly walked out—without
giving him a chance to explain that the
swallow in question was a bird.
.

Тах dollars at work: А 40-page report,
one of three studies by the Health Re-
sources and Services Administration cost-
ountry $180,000, proved its thesis:
uals in poor health were almost
seven times as frequent users of physician
services as those in excellent health and
spent an average of 21 times as many days
in the hospital.” If you want a copy of the
report, it'll cost you ten dollars.

.

Неге one of the tastier bumper stickers
we've seen this month: STAY HEALTHY. EAT
YOUR HONEY.

.

You may be interested to know that,
according to the Chicago Tribune, Flming
Cunt was the winner of the third race at
Los Alamitos race track.

FAR-FLUNG TALENTS

The sport of cow-pat hurling was intro-
duced into Great Britain some ycars ago as
a by-product of Anglo-American exchange
visits for young farmers. Unhappily,
though, the wet British climate has re-
quired a change in the rules of the game.
Excessively damp bovine waste may now
be hurled enclosed in a plastic bag,
according to a story in The Sunday Times of
London. A side effect of the new regulation
is that it has made the sport more арреа!-
ing to women, though Anne Brooker,

21

Colleges are а lot like people, and in a period of recession, they can re ET
Recently, our bastions of higher learning have been pursuing qualified students with the
zeal that Ahab showed for Moby Dick. The exceptional prospect has been offered every-
thing short of the hand of the president's daughter. And it's not loo late lo cash in. You,
100, may be eligible for апу number of the following scholarships.

The Gondhi—For students entering
the Fashion Institute of Technology,
where recipients will learn the ba
most enduring fashion values. The
school believes that if you can sleep on
it, you can wear it.

The Jogy Gollo—For students with
good family backgrounds who want to.
pursue studies at the Jersey City Uni-
iate School of Legitimate
Oxford University, a

it is often compared,
Jersey City emphasizes tutorials and
operates under the don system.’ The
school’s faculty is so respected that the
governor of New Jerscy has endowed a
special chair for its members.

The Czyhemldndhpl— Self-explanatory.
Open to gified Eastern Europcan ten-
nis players with unpronounccable
names who wish to defect to the U.S.
and enroll at UCLA. There they will
learn how to curse line judges in 17 lan-
guages. Students will be encouraged to
practice their backhands as well as
colorful international gestures. If a
Czyhcmldndhpl scholar performs well,
the name of a commercial enterprise
will be stamped on all his possessions.

The Jimmy the Greek —Open to stu-
dents intent upon studying classi
the University of Nevada at Las Vegas.
Room costs аге very low, but such schol-
ars will be expected to render unto
Caesars that which is Caesars. Semi-
nars nightly. Among the faculty stand-
outs is Vic Pappas, Diogenes professor.
of casino security. Distinguished visit-
ing professors will include Sammy.

The Jomie lee Curis—Open to
talented young actresses who want to
attend the Yale School of Drama.
Recipients must understand that a
dangerous business such as the movi
allows for few survivors. Students will
be expected to major
to take minors in rum
All classes will be held in that Mecca of
academic emoting, Monty Hall.

The John Wayne— For men who are
men. Offered to students entering the
University of Texas, which was recent-
ly renamed Duke University. Course
work will include diddly squat, because
studying is for wimps.

The Bobbie Sue—Awarded by Van-
derbilt University to the high school
student voted most likely to s

The Nancy Reagan—Ever since her
affair with Mr. T, Mrs. К. has. shown
an increased sensitivity to minority

groups. The First Lady's award,
officially known as the Nancy Reagan
Fellowship in the History of the Dance
for One of Those People, is to be given
only to those who can really shak

The William J. Reoper—Given annual-
ly by Northwestern University to the
rich student deemed most likely to suc-
cumb to a horrible and exceedingly fa-
tal disease. If the bereaved parents
want to erect a new medical laboratory
to commemorate their delightful child's
awful demise, who can blame them?

The Robert Vesco—Given by Tulane to
students who are falsely accused of
wrongdoing. This scholarship helps
send scholar scapegoats away to coun-
tries that have neglected to
extradition agreements with the U
Imagine: Your junior year abroad
could last forever! Tulane recognizes
that a Fulbright just doesn’t cut it for
students who are really in a jam.

The Rex Reed—Offered by the Uni-
versity of Southern California film.
school to the student who has written
the most breathless essay comparing
Apocalypse Now and Porky's.

The Elizabeth Тоуіог-ішту Csonka—
Given annually by Wellesley to a stu-
dent with enormous thigh:

The Brent EUN the Uni-
y of Missouri School of Broad-
casüng, Musberger scholars will be
groomed for a very rapid rise in televi-
sion. (The award was endowed by ап
anonymous alumnus who wanted to see
Musberger replaced as soon as pos
ble.) Students will be chosen for their.
relentless glibness, and courses for the
lucky few will include Cosell and the
English Language: The 30 Years’ War.

The George М. Steinbrenner— Purpose:
to lure great athletes to Steinbrenner's
alma mater, Williams, іп an attempt to
transform the school into the Universi-
ty of New Mexico of New England. Be-
cause of its liberal ideals, the college
views all students as “free agents,” and
those entering this program will receive
enormous sums of money. Should the
Steinbrenner fellows fail to bring a
national championship to Williams,
they will be kicked in the head.

The Velveeto—Magnanimously be-
stowed by Harvard upon an individual
who is not really Harvard material.
The university’s professors vow to
transform this poor excuse for a person
into something the folks back home
would not recognize.— ANDREN FEINBERG

Miss Surrey Dairymaid, wears rubber
gloves even when hurling bagged missiles.
Colin Compton, the long-term Britis
cow-pathurling champion, eschews the
plastic containers, holding that they have
adverse aerodynamic effects and, thus,
may hinder further record-breaking hurls.
“He has turned it into a science,” explains
his wife. The astute Colonial
may attribute other championship qual-
ities to Compton, since the report terms
him “a legend in the Dorking region.”

BASEBALL NUTS
The North Anderson Doctors’ softball
team of South Carolina calls itself the
Nads for short. It's no surprise, then, that
team supporters cause heads to turn for
blocks around when they scream “Go,
Хайа!” in encouragement.

GOSPEL GAME
Convenience creationism has gone
beyond the drive-in temple to enter the
computer age. GRAPE (Gospel Resources
and Programs Exchange), for example,
offers nine computer diskettes of Bible and
religious programs; PARSEC (Parish
Secretary) is a software package for collec-
tion recording, fund raising and mem-
bership tracking. Our personal selection
from among the divinely digital offerings is
the “first ecclesiastical computer game.”

Its name? Pax-Man, of course.

reader

POLISHED ALIBI

A British police constable denied using
violence against a prisoner, according to
press reports. He stated that he was un-
able to explain why the polish found on the
fly zipper of the complainant matched that
оп the constable’s shoes.

DOWN AND DIRTY

In an article dealing with physicians
who get stiffed by their obstetrical patients
during these difficult economic times, Dr.
Werner H. Kramer of Twin Falls, Idaho,
told Medical World News that he required
advance payment for deliveries unless pa-
nts had already established their credit
with him. “Pregnancy is a . . . voluntary
thing. Births are predictable and people
can plan for them,” he reasoned. “In this
area,” Dr. Kramer added, "when farming
goes down, everything goes down."

TRANK MANEUVERS

Another European war would certainly
be an apocalypse, but it doesn't have to Бе
upsetting. Not, at least, in West Germany.
The government recently disclosed that it
has stockpiled 2,500,000 tranquilizers—
mainly Valium and Droperidol—with
which to dose those who panic “in the
event of a catastrophe or a military ac-
tion.” A clear-cut case of padlocking the
barn door after the Four Horsemen have
escaped.

MG 96

o

LJ а 2 -
Hennéssy, Cóutube: Excellence in fitted shirts.
“ше а è i

4. 5, “М.

CN
Another fashionable achievement from The Van Heusen Company.

MUSIC

HARD SELL: If Malcolm McLaren had

been born on this side of the Adantic
instead of in England and had taken up
baseball instead of music, we would have
another Billy Martin on our hands. While
managing the Sex Pistols, Adam & the
Ants and Bow Wow Wow to big-league
contention, McLaren, like Martin, hasn’t
stayed at the same job—or away from con-
troversy—for very long.

Last year, he caused considerable
music-biz buzzing by taking brain storm
and passport in hand and traveling the
world— from Africa to Cuba to the Domin-
ican Republic to exotic Tennessee—to
record native musicians for an album of
folk-dance music, which has now emerged
as Duck Rock (Island).

“I think it’s gonna be thc biggest thing
that ever happened,” he said with charac-
teristic reserve. “I think it’s gonna be the
most truthful. And I think it’s gonna crc-
ate an awareness that will bring together
whatever they're doing in El Salvador or
Peru with whatever they’re doing in Zulu-
land or Appalachia.”

Coming from most promoters, that sort
of hype would sink in its own juices. But
for all his salesmanship, the redheaded
McLaren glows with conviction. His raps
about music’s existing “to bring back a
common understanding between all cul-
tures, all dispossessed people” may soar
into the idealosphere, but you somehow
get the sense that maybe he can deliver on
such promises.

“Dance is a lot more sacred than it’s
been held up to be. It's not a recreation in
the simple sense of the word but something:
that has far more meaning," said the for-
mer art student, who doesn't speak so
much as he lectures. Gesturing frequently
at two world maps on the wall of his small,
bare office near London's Soho district, he
was on his fect throughout our talk. At one

point, he pontificated that square dancing,
the form that inspired his first single, Buf-
falo Gals, “must be compared to the rape
of the Sabine women.”

Few pop artists are yct into square
dancing, but McLaren is hardly alone
among white rockers in taking an interest
in African music—such heavyweights as
Talking Heads and Peter Gabriel have
taken a poke at it, making it possible for
Nigerian superstar King Sunny Ade to
tour America for the first time earlier this
ar. But McLaren is no Johnny-come-
ил; On his desk were such finds from
Zululand as Abase Duze Bomgwaqo's
Uthathela Phezulu—or was it Uthathela
Phezulu’s Abase Duze Bomgwaqo? A de-
voted Third World-record collector,
McLaren was first inspired by the tribal
beat during the period following the Sex
Pistols’ demise, when he worked for a рог-
no-film outfit in Paris.

Adam & the Ants and, later, Bow Wow
Wow became, as he put it, the clay with
which he sculpted his Afro concepts; but,
he concluded, “I realized the ideas I was

to listen to it all!

HOT
Harpo / The Original King Bee
2. Richard Thompson / Hand of Kindness
3. Rickie Lee Jones / Girl at Her Volcano
4. Wynton Marsalis / Think of One
5. Quarterflash / Take Another Picture

TRUST US

Maybe it isn’t fair to pit the best
cuts by a rock master against the worst
by rock's hottest mistress, but sometimes
life just isn't fair. We know; we have

leaning toward were more profound than
what Adam and Bow Wow Wow were
doing.” (Sniffed B.W.W. thrush Annabella
Lwin in response: “Malcolm was very
creative, but he was по genius.”)

Buffalo Gals, a hit in London last winter
and a dance-club favorite in the States,
was recorded in Tennessce with some
“redneck hillbillies," he explained. А
“scratch” version of the song was then re-
corded іп New York with two black d.j.s
known as The World Famous Supreme
Team: Appalachia meets the South Bronx

Needless to say, McLaren promises that
square dancing will become as big a fad as
the Hula-Hoop—or, at least, as big as the
rubber-fetish wear he introduced to
“mainstream teenagers” while operating
his legendary London boutique, Sex, in
the late Seventies. Whatever the case, his
image as a pop-culture huckster will suffer
no setback—which is fine with McLaren

“If you want to sell a great idea in a
capitalistic structure, especially if it’s as
left field as mine, you've got to be a great
salesman.

“Its not that I invent these things.
‘These things exist; it’s only а question of
digging them out,” said McLaren, who
has little use for most of today’s music—
just as he had little use for yesterday's. He
disliked the Beatles. “I tend to be a little
advanced, but that’s what you have to do
to sort of bash it home: fire it with a
cannon.”

Now that McLaren has lit his latest
fuse, we can only sit back and anticipate
the explosion. — LLOYD SACHS

REVIEWS

Call it nepotism of a different sort: Ricky
Skaggs is using his new and lofty position
in the music field to benefit a raft of rela-
tives. More to the point, he has produced
The Whites’ new album, Old Familiar Feel-
ing (Warner/Curb), featuring father-in-law
Buck and other White family mem-
bers, whose collective sound is mellow.

NOT
- Stevie Nicks / The Wild Heart
. Dean Martin / The Nashville Sessions
. Johnny Lee / Hey Bartender
- Loverboy / Keep It Up
John Schneider / If You Believe

won

WHAT COMPONENTS
DID FOR AUDIO,
COMPONENTS DO FOR VIDEO.

Remember what a break-
through breaking up the record
player, receiver and speakers
was?

Suddenly, it was like having а
symphony or a rock group right in
your living room. Because each
component could be designed for
optimum performance, uncom-
promised by having to fit every-
thing into a single cabinet.

Now Sony takes that same
sound idea one step further— to
the Profeel Trinitron Component
TV system.

Profeel has separate speakers
for rich, high-fidelity sound. А
separate tuner for the ultimate in
program flexibility. And a sepa-
rate Trinitron monitor that deliv-
ers a picture of breathtaking color
and clarity. АП of which adds up to
an entertainment experience no
conventional television can equal

Stay tuned and you'll see what
we mean.

SEEING IS BELIEVING

Sony Profeel. Bringing together the best in sight, sound and imagination.

WHAT MAKES
TRINITRON BETTER?

The Emmy Award-winning Trinitron is the
only system with the patented single large lens
and cylindrical screen explained below For
unsurpassed sharpness corner-to-corner.

The moment you focus your attention on the
Trinitron monitor, you know you're looking at
something extraordinary.

How does Sony create an image so critically
sharp, so alive with color? We have more lines of
resolution for greater detail from your TV signal
now. And even more detail as the TV signal con-
tinues to improve. From sources like videotape
or videodisc, the difference will be even more
spectacular At last, you'll be able to see individ-

| ual faces in a crowded stadium, every leaf on a
tree, not just a clump of color.

| In fact, Profeel's quality is comparable to a

| professional monitors. But what really sets our
set apart is Trinitron.

Cervera tuse lara тив Foes

‘ed ye onan ae

doge while сина d nage ol at
Rare терсе iic ште

Trinitrons have more true-
to-lıfe colors to capture ће subti
ties of a blush. Or make snow actually
look a brilliant snow-white. Proíeel
shines in the very dark and very
light areas of your picture — enhanc-
ing the contrast so you don't have
to imagine what's going on ina
night scene

Other TVs would love to say the
me. But they just don't have what
ıl takes inside.

IF YOU THINK THAT'S
IMPRESSIVE, LISTEN TO THIS...

You never knew how good sound
could be because conventional
TVs have only one small speaker.
Now, Profeel's side-mounted or
free-standing speakers have
changed all that. There's a big,
high-performance woofer A pre-
cision tweeter And driving it all,
an amplifier that can also hook up
to your hi-fi and eventually accom-
modate stereo TV broadcasting
when it becomes a reality.

In fact

the best is yet to come...

YOU WON' T BELIEVE
HOW MUCH YOU CAN DO.

There's a whole world of "New Media" (in much the same way as you plug in your
coming down the tube. Computers to tape deck to your audio tuner). Then just

work with. Video games turn on your choice at the
Computer co

to play with. Your favorite touch of the button. It's as
shows in stereo. First-run easy as that.

movies on cable. Home
movies on VCR. Videotex.
Simultaneous bilingual
translation. Satellite pick-
up from Peking. And much
more. Profeel's separate
tuner lets you access this
new media the instant it
becomes available.

More convenient still is
the infrared Express Com-
mander Remote Control.
With it, you can control the
world without ever leaving
your favorite chair.

Sounds unbelievable?
Not really, when you

Create a home entertain- C уск Д 74 remember we're the com-
ment center by plugging pany to whom revolution-
C

in up to five video sources ary ideas are nothing new.

THESE ARE JUST SOME OF THE SOURCES
THAT PLUG INTO YOUR PROFEEL TUNER.

SONY

THE ONE AND ONLY

AVAILABLE

Prerecorded Access to cable Hook-up to personal Electronic Video game Video music and
movieson VCRor channels and computer. information sources adaptable stereo simulcast.
videodisc. Even scrambled Pay-TV like Videotex or ("Game- Ready").
home movies. channels ("Pay TV- Teletext

Ready").

© 1983 Sony Corporation of America. болу. Trinitton, Profeel and Express Commander are registered trademarks of Sony Corporation. Picture simulated

issue of our ti

SEEME, FEEL ME, TOUCH ME, READ ME DEPARTMENT: The following item ought to put to rest the
: Is there life after rock 'n' roll? Pete Townshend is joining the prestigious

London publishing firm Faber and Faber as an editor. Faber has been in business for 55
years—37 years longer than The Who. Pete's interested in publishing translations and
works by some of his U.K. contemporaries. He lists Shakespeare, Thomas Hardy and
Dylan Thomas as his favorite writers. But could any of them whip up a perfect guitar solo?

UESTION OF THE MONTH: What has four
legs, millions of fans and great
stage presence and will probably bring
in more money than the U.S. defense
budget? The answer? Elton John and Rod
Stewart, who are planning to tour
together during the summer of 1984,
According to Elton, “It won't just be
the two of us onstage doing an hour
each; we've been working together to
produce a special show.” Rod did tour
last summer, but Elton has no similar
plans prior to going on the road with
him. Instead, he'll be making a movie
with Liza Minnelli called Hang Ups. We
will keep you posted.

REELING AND ROCKING: American movie
audiences will catch their first look at
the fabulous Grandmaster Flash and the
Furious Five when the band makes an
onscreen appearance in D.C. Cab, a
comedy starring Mr. Т and Irene Caro. . .
It turns out tliat all the negative publi
ity heaped оп Ozzy Osbourne by various
church and civic groups has brought
him to the attention of Tinseltown.
Obviously, there is a connection be-
tween biting off the head of a chicken
and being a movie star. Ozzy is reading
scripts and says, “It will be a horror
film no matter what it is. I don’t know
if I will be a vampire, a ghost or a
mummy, but we're negotiating. You
never know; I may be the next Vincent
Price?" It’s just too bad Hitchcock isn’t
around; he would call it The Birds II. . .
Paul McCartney has written the theme
music for the film version of Graham
Greene's novel The Honorary Consul,
starring Richord Gere and Michael Coine,
and has recorded it with guitarist John
Williams. Other Beatle news is less
mainstream: Ringo and wife Barbora
Bach are filming Princess Daisy, and
Ringo’s in drag, grecn tocnails and all.

NEWSBREAKS: Morianne Foithfull, who
has finally come into her own with
three critically acclaimed albums, is
going to return to her former associates

The Rolling Stones via the sound studio,
not the bedroom. Faithfull and Keith
Richards plan to produce one of her
future projects together. Meanwhile,
Faithfull’s single from this past sum-
mer, Running for Our Lives, took on
added symbolism after she split with
her guitarist-songwriter husband. In
case it slipped your mind, Marianne
co-wrote the lyrics for Sister Morphine
with brother Jagger many years ago.
Poul Kantner's solo album, Planet Earth
Rock n’ Roll Orchestra, was supposed to
be the “sound track” to a novel Kantner
had written, but because the book’s and
the record's release dates didn't coin-
cide, the novel’s premise was included
in a one-page summary attached to the
album. Two highlights on the record
are the recording debuts of Kantner’s
children, including daughter Chino,
whase mom is Groce Slick. Also featured
is a ten-year-old number co-authored
by Jerry Garcio. As for the Mouth of the
West, Grace has completed basic tracks
lor her latest effort, and we hear it's
heavy on the synthesizers. . . . Record-
industry news comes to us from the
guys who tally who buys what, and the
report for the first five months of 1983 15
very encouraging: Sales are up and
Һауе pushed more albums and singles
into the exalted areas designated gold
and platinum. How many records is
that? An artist needs to sell 500,000
albums for gold and 1,000,000 for plati-
num. For a seven-inch single, 1,000,000
for gold and 2,000,000 for platinum. So
far, there has been only one platinum
single this year, and it wasn't a Michael
Jockson song. Surprised? The winner is
Mickey, by Toni Basil. The rest of the
numbers go like this: 41 albums cer-
tified gold, 23 singles certified gold and

20 albums certified platinum. Some of

the stars who've made the grade are
Joumey, Def Leppard, Culture Club, Kenny
Rogers, Michael Jackson and Styx.

— BARBARA NELLIS

and country related but otherwise nicely
indescribable. With mixes of dobro, man-
dolin, fiddle, piano and string-band sta-
ples, differing styles and finc harmony,
plus tunes that include blues, bluegrass,
honky-tonk, Gospel and a little western
swing, it’s like a listening trip across a
Southern radio dial.

.

Formerly of the Tourists, Annie Lennox
and Dave Stewart have settled down. Now
they're the Eurythmics, and they're mak-
ing nihilist synth pop magnificent. Their
Sweet Dreams Are Made of This (RCA) may
be uneven, but the title track is a great
song (the M.T-V. video they made of it is
the single best non- Michael Jackson video
anybody's made so far). And Lennox, a
close-cropped orange-headed siren, is one
of the five sexiest women alive.

.

"Beer makes you smart, drinking is
art,” chant Mark Freeland and Electro-
Man in their funny, eclectic twist on the
sex-drugs-rock theme, American Googaloo
($5.99, Trelaine, 109 Hendricks Boule-
vard, Buffalo, New York 14296). Freeland
sounds like a deadpanning David Bowie
(or a shrill munchkin) backed by a Hen-
drix-ish guitar and a George Clinton-ish
rhythm section. American Googaloo is a
throbbing, semiserious pop-culture com-
mentary with enough charisma and frenzy
to blast you onto the dance floor.

.

Has Pink Floyd washed out? Now that
leader Roger Waters is ready to blow
minds on his own, Floyd's Works (Capitol)
looks more like a farewell folio than like а
greatest-hits album. It features some of the
group's best efforts at developing the con-
ceptual and operatic potentials of rock, but
times have changed since these songs came
out and many of them sound badly dated.
You can close your eyes and imagine the
Moody Blues disguised as Styx. Still, while
Pink Floyd's best works don't lend them-
selves to anthology, there are some fine,
freakish memories here. See you on the
dark side of the moon.

SHORT CUTS

Los Illegals / Internal Exile (A&M): Rock
vet Mick Ronson teams up with an east
L.A, barrio band to make splendido nu-
шахо.

В. B. Spin / Try to Beat the Нео? (Cactus):
First album by great Midwestern tavern
rockers. They're roughnecks in the
Ramones sense—you can slam dance to
this music.

The Replacements / Hootenanny (57.99,
Twin/Tone, 445 Oliver Avenue South,

Minneapolis, Minnesota 55405): Wailing
Midwestern garage punk meets humorous
Thirties folk. So terrible it’s great.

Guorneri Quartet / Mozart Quartets
(RCA): Wolfgang penned these two Quar-
tets in D for his friends, Franz Joseph
Haydn among them. Bright, energetic,
even witty compositions played deftly.
When's the last time Mozart let you down?

reviews: It is time, once again, to give

you a look at the reading pleasures that
await you this fall and winter. In fiction,
we anticipate a new collection of short
storics from Donald Barthelme called
Overnight to Many Distant Cities (Putnam’s),
a new Len Deighton thriller, Berlin Game
(Knopf), and teila (Delacorte/Seymour
Lawrence), by J. P. Donleavy, a sequel to
The Destinies of Darcy Dancer, Gentleman.
We also note that prolific Joyce Carol
Oates has a new novel set in the late 19th
Century, Mysteries of Winterthurn (Dutton),
in which detective Xavier Kilgarvan
solves a series of murders. In the some-
thing-for-everyone category, look for Ed-
ward Gorey's third collection of stories and
drawings, Amphigorey Also (Congdon &
Weed).

On the fall nonfiction list, Morrow is
publishing a big book of interest to all of
us, American Couples: Money, Work and Sex,
by Drs. Philip Blumstein and Pepper
Schwartz. The Best of Modern Humor
(Knopf), edited by Mordecai Richler,
offers everything from Groucho and Thur-
ber to Russell Baker and Roy Blount. We
recommend it highly. Diane Johnson's
long-awaited bio Dashiell Hammett (Ran-
dom House) is also on the way. It’s the
only one of the many recent books on
Hammett that has Lillian Hellman's coop-
eration, Another literary portrait worth
noting comes from Norton, Е. В. White: A
Biography, by Scott Elledge. Finally, keep
your eye out for Paul Fussell’s book Class:
A Guide Through the American Status System
(Summit). We know class when we sec it.

.

Philip Caputo wants you to know that
war is hell, and just in case you didn't get
that from his two other books, A Rumor of
War and Hom of Africa, he has marched
the whole gory business out again in Del-
Corso's Gallery (Holt, Rinchart & Win-
ston), the story of a combat photographer
assigned to cover the last days of Saigon
and then the street war in Beirut. Of
course, Caputo can’t have his characters
ducking through fire fight and carnage
saving, “War is hell," because that's a
cliché. So he has them saying things like,
“When you lost in war, brother, you lost it
all." The slick, best-seller approach finally
makes it impossible to care anything for
the stick figures who swagger through this
macho yarn.

.

A new collection of Gloria Steinem's
magazine articles, Outrageous Acts and Еу-
eryday Rebellions (Holt, Rinchart & Win-
ston), runs the gamut between fuzzy
polemical thinking and detailed personal
experiences. While we don't question her
fervor, we do wonder what humanity lies
in the statement “One day, an army of
gray-haired women may quietly take over
the carth.” What kind of message is that?

Edward Gorey is atit again.

Fall previews, Steinem
essays and a new Bernie
Rhodenbarr mystery.

Steinem ponders and pontificates.

On the other hand, Steinem displays great
feeling in a piece called “Ruth's Song (Be-
cause She Could Not Sing I0,” written
especially for this book. It’s a loving,

Mystery writer Lawrence Block has de-
veloped quite a following for his off-and-
on boozer ex-cop Matthew Scudder (the
hero of Eight Million Ways to Die). Block is
also the author of a delightful serics of

books about Bernie Rhodenbarr, а cat
burglar who runs a used-book store—and
has an unlucky habit of stumbling across
corpses in the middle of a caper. The Bur-
glar Who Painted Like Mondriaan (Arbor
House), the fifth in the series, involves a
kidnaped cat, art forgery and murder. It
has as many plot twists as a Rubik’s cube.
Our advice: Find the early Bernie books in
paperback and pig out

о

How to College (Primer Press), a book in
the genre of The Official Preppy Handbook
and The Official M.B.A. Handbook, tries
to spoon-feed the not-so-academically
oriented undergraduate tips on the art
of doing campus time. The authors—
Bill Jeakle, Eugene Reardon and Ed
Wyatt—give wise and wise-ass advice on
clothes, cliques, test taking, partying, girls,
beer, drugs, study habits, faculty relations,
beer, studying abroad and beer. They even
try to lessen the trauma of leaving college
and actually finding your way in the real
world. That's when beer really comes in
handy.

б
Beautiful Women; Ugly Scenes (Double-
day) has to be onc of the best book titles оГ
the year. It’s a novel, by C. D. B. Bryan
(author of Friendly Fire, that fine nonfic-
tion book about a family who lost a son in
Vietnam), in the tradition of Updike and
O'Hara. We scc relationships being made
and broken, hear long conversations be-
tween literate people, watch society's up-
per crust bake its tragedies. Not much new
in that. But what makes Bryan's work ex-
ceptional is his tough, clear, frightening
vision of the war between the sexes. “I
don't have many romantic illusions left
about men and women,” the narrator says;
and, a little later: “А woman does not quit
until she has torn a man’s bowels from
within him and scattered his fragile sense
of self to the winds.” In prose that is gener-
ally graceful (except for the awkward
screenplay format that crops up occa-
sionally), this nameless narrator describes
our contemporary male-female struggles
without blinking or kidding himself. It's
not stretching it to call this a book of war
photographs—fine ones, sharply focused.
.

Ed McBain takes us back to the days оГ
Jack Webb and Dragnet in his collection оГ
short fiction titled The McBain Brief (Arbor
House). McBain’s deadpan cops aren't ex-
actly Serpico, but his stories are fast-paced
cnough to entert:

Unemployed actor Peter Scuro is having
a drink in a bar when a woman drippi
with money comes on to him and ask:
he'd like to make 50 bucks—the old-
fashioned way. He does, and she has lots of
friends who'd like to spend $50, too. Sud-
denly, Peter and Martha—the woman at

the bar—have a booming business provid-
ing zipless sexual encounters for women
too busy to have a relationship. Things
progress. Peter opens Peter's Place, a
brownstone club where women can gam-
ble, gambol and cven have a nice water-
cress sandwich. There is, however, a dark
side to all this: payoffs, Mafia muscle and
murder. Lawrence Sanders seamless
story, The Seduction of Peter S. (Putnam's),
describes how a man's life becomes worth-
less when he undervalues it.

BOOK BAG

The Lessons of Love: Secrets from the World's
Most Glamorous Dating Service (Morrow), by
Godmother Abby Hirsch, with Susan
Dooley: Hirsch, who runs an exclusive
dating service that matches professional
men and women, peddles war stories and
advice to the lovelorn

Back East (Godine), by Ellen Pall: In a
novel worth noting, Pall hits on everything.
from family to career to love.

Hugging the Shore: Essays and С
(Knopf), by John Updike: Observations
on anything and everything by one of our
keenest ob: s of both. What a tool this
language is in his hands.

Winter's Tale (Harcourt Brace Jovano-
vich), by Mark Helprin: Known mainly as
a short-story writer, Helprin has concoct-
ed a huge novel that’s about an apoca-
lyptic future and a violent past, a white
stallion from Brooklyn, a millionaire, a
second-story man and many more twists of
plot than you'd think would be plausible
But there is fine writing here, and we for-
give almost anything for that.

More Collected Stories (Random House),
by V. S. Pritchett: It has been said
that short-story writing is a young man's.
art. Well, only sometimes. Pritchett is 82
and still going strong.

Days of Vengeance (Doubleday), by Har-
ry Mark Petrakis: An old-world book, full
of the smells of olives and cheeses and a life
that may scem more passionate than our
own.

Memory Babe: A Critical Biography of Jack
Kerouac (Grove), by Gerald Nicosia: Every-
thing you ever wanted to know about
Kerouac, told well by a true believer.

Cathedral (Knopf), by Raymond Car-
ver: This is the third volume of short sto-
ries from Carver, and it is absolutely
superb. Buy this book immediately.

A Difference of Design (Knopf), by W. M.
Spackman: A contemporary novel of man-
ners set in France, involving a middle-
aged financial advisor who becomes
romantically entangled with two women;
stylistically elegant, high-toned, graceful.

Wilderness Plots: Tales About the Settlement
of the American Land (Morrow), by Scott R
Sanders: Meet the settlers who carved
towns out of the forests, in this beautifully
illustrated collection of short talcs, told so
vividly you'd swear Sanders was there tak-
ing notes at the time.

i
our water and our Hollow, just write us.

PEOPLE ALWAYS ASK how far Jack Daniel's
cave spring goes back. The answer is way back.

We don’t rightly know how deep into the
Tennessee hills our limestone spring meanders.
But since several adventuresome citizens have
tried to explore it, we know it goes farther
than a person can. We also know it flows at
56° year-round, is totally
iron-free and superb for
whiskey-making. True,

) CHARCOAL
we can’t say where MELLOWED
thís pure water starts D

, DROP
out. But we're plenty б
glad іс ends up in BY DROP

Jack Daniel's Whiskey.

Tennessee Whiskey = 90 Proof • Distilled and Bottled by Jack Daniel Distillery
Lem Motlow, Prop., Inc., Route 1, Lynchburg (Pop. 361), Tennessee 37352
Placed in the National Register of Historic Places by the United States Government.

28

MOVIES

By BRUCE WILLIAMSON

VIGILANTE JUSTICE stirs to life іп Тһе
Star Chamber (Fox), writer-director Peter
Hyams’ timely melodrama about a secret
tribunal to punish criminals who escape
through legal loopholes. Provocative but
occasionally preposterous, the movie stars
Michael Douglas as a conscientious L.A.
judge suffering a guilt complex over all the
dangerous misfits he is forced to set free.
A series of brutal murders by a ring of
kiddie-porn sadists sets the plot in motion,
and Hyams keeps it spinning along on a
medium-fast track somewhere between
The Verdict and Death Wish. I get a whiff of
fascism at work here—sheer exploitation
of our fears about killers in the streets,
with some tidy liberal thoughts tacked on
after we've all enjoyed the sweet taste of
vengeance. Still, Star Chamber is the kind
of hard-edged saga of crime and punish-
ment that ignites arguments, which seems
a plus. Га forgive more if it weren't for its
underlighted, dingy look; it’s one of those
movies that somehow equate seriousness
with dark shadows—and it gives L.A
today the somber, monotonous air of
Moscow in winter. Why? ¥¥
.

‘Jacqueline Bisset in Class (Orion) deliv-
ers the warmest, most spontaneous and
unabashedly sexy performance of her
career. Who could ask for anything more?
Bisset is a world-class beauty, and the
main thing wrong with Class—aside from
its being somewhat farfetched at times—
may be that Jackie doesn't get quite
enough screen time to satisfy my needs.
Yet most of this ebullient human comedy,
directed by Lewis John Carlino, works
very well—set in a suburban Chicago prep
school where two affluent Harvard candi-
dates and their chums spend a good deal of
time thinking about sex. Rob Lowe and
Andrew McCarthy аге the Vernon
Academy roommates, both scoring as
attractive young actors of exceptional
promise. An older woman (Bisset) compli-
cates their lives and also sets Class apart
by adding some genuine grown-up emo-
tional pain to the boyish high-jinks. As a
bonus, Bisset’s big scene in an elevator
with young McCarthy (“What do you pre-
fer—going up or down?" she queries while
pulling his pants off) instantly qualifies as
one of the headiest movie moments of
1983. Cliff Robertson plays her stuffy hus-
band quite persuasively. Storywise, there
are several large and small surprises it

would be unfair to divulge. But Class
tells. ¥¥¥

.

Millions of moviegoers who have never
heard of Shirley Muldowney will discover
this extraordinary lady as the real-life
heroine of Heart Like a Wheel (Fox). Unul
1965, she was a young housewife and
mother in Schenectady, New York, differ-

Star Chamber in session.

Classmates McCarthy, Bisset.

Guilty judges, Classy
Bisset and a real-life
race-track movie.

Wheel's Edwards, Bedelia.

ent only because she preferred drag racing
to kitchen duty. Turning pro, she bled,
sweated and scrapped her way into a sport
totally dominated by men and became a
legend—in 1982, she won the National
Hot Rod Association world championship
for the third time. How and why she did it
is fine fodder for the best down-home
movie bio since Coal Miner’s Daughter.
The same kind of grit animates Muldow-
ney, brilliantly played by Bonnie Bedelia,
a marvelous but mostly unsung actress
pulling out all the stops to prove herself a
top-fuel performer in every sense. (You
may remember her as the bride in Lovers
and Other Strangers a decade ago.) Here is
Oscar-caliber acting, no matter how the
competition shapes up. Although Wheel
has the look оҒа very good В movie, direc-
tor Jonathan (Over the Edge) Kaplan digs
between the lines of Ken Friedman’s work-
manlike screenplay with the help of an
excellent cast. Leo Rossi and Anthony
Edwards play Shirley’s husband and her
teenaged son, respectively, and Beau
Bridges oozes easygoing warmth as Con-
nie Kalitta, the wayward racing star who
eventually becomes Shirley's mentor and
ficklehearted lover. (The first time he
makes a pass, while they're both still mar-
ried, Shirley snaps, “Тһе only thing I do
fast is drive.”) Full of emotionally charged
personal drama as well as supercharged
track sequences, Heart Like a Wheel is a
woman's movie devoid of preachments—
the straightforward, go-get-'em saga of a
gal whose gains are offset by immutable
losses while she roars to glory with her foot
to the floor board. ¥¥¥¥%
.

In Heat and Dust (Universal Classics),
those proverbial mad dogs and English-
men are out in the midday sun but are
only one part of the spellbinding romantic
yarn spun by director James Ivory from a
novel and a screenplay by Ruth Prawer
Jhabvala, Ivory’s frequent collaborator

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(along with producer Ismail Merchant) in
a series of provocative East meets West
movies about British colonials in India.
"Their best by far, Heat and Dust combines
two interwoven tales focused upon the
quest of a modern young Englishwoman
(Julie Christie, scen in too few movies late-
ly but a joy forever) hoping to reconstruct
the scandalous past of her late great-aunt
Olivia, who followed her handsome hus-
band to his Indian post in the Twenties
and shook society by her headlong affair
with a rakish local prince. At the apex of
that ill-fated triangle, facing destiny in
flashbacks, lissome Greta Scacchi is an ex-
quisite Olivia—like a pale English rose
ready to burst with purple passion. As the
two men who excite her, Christopher
Cazenove and Shashi Kapoor (at home in
India, he's a superstar heartthrob on a par
with Newman and Redford) seem equally
capable of complicating a lady's life.

Cultural and sexual conflicts, then and
now, keep Heal and Dust teeming with
timeless fascination. As the contemporary
Anne, Christie moves through modern
India having her own meaningful experi-
ences with her native host (Zakir Hussain)
and with a mixed-up Buddhist from Iowa
(Charles McCaughan). Visually, the
movie is a rich tapestry photographed by
Walter Lassally (who won an Oscar for
Zorba the Greek). While its backward and
forward leaps through time can be discon-
certing, the film is subtle, erotic and
leisurely, brimful of colorful detail, with a
sinuous musical score by Richard Robbins
to maintain the mood throughout. Fine-
grained, indeed, but definitely a class
act—not for frivolous thrill scckers. УУУУ;

.

An inspired spoof of animated-cartoon
violence the way it used to be—presented
as the reminiscences of Cat and Mouse,
two comic characters licking their wounds
in retirement—is the funniest sequence of
Loose Joints (UFD). Dedicated movie nuts
should be able to connect with other epi-
sodes in director Peter Winograd’s zany
ode to standard cinematic chestnuts. The
live-action comedy is hit or miss, with
parodies of science fiction (Lost Heroes of
the Milky Way, starring Joan Hackett, plus
Martin Mull as the evil, acidic Tang),
space-age private eyes (Dynasty’s Pamela
Sue Martin sleuthing with a bug man who
talks like Bogey in Philip Alien— Space De-
lective) and schlock sex and violence (Mull
and Betty Kennedy bringing the foolery to
a satisfying climax in the House of the
Horny Corpse). While its off-the-wall man-
ner may suggest a low-budget quickie in
the style of Kentucky Fried Movie,
Joints is handsomely produced and about
half successful at getting where it wants to

go. ЖУ

б

Michael Caine has a part he can really
run with in Educating Rita (Columbia),
playing a drunken, self-deprecating Eng-
lish professor whose life is turned around

Heat and Dust returns
Christie to screen; Caine
has a ball with Rita.

Rita's Walters, Caine.

Schofield, Geoff Rhoe in Puberty Blues.

by a young working-class hairdresser and
bored housewife (Julie Walters) with an
unquenchable thirst for knowledge. As an
award-winning London stage comedy by
Willy Russell, Ria was а smash hit in the
tradition of Pygmalion (a . My Fair
Lady) and Born Yesterday—the story of a
teacher-pupil relationship that transforms

an ignorant, innocent girl into a fairly for-
midable woman. Walters, playing the
plucky creature who comes away from giv-
ing perms to grapple with Chekhov and
Peer Gynt in tutorials (we call it adult
education over here), і an equal match for
Caine, and that’s saying a lot. She may
lack his natural screen charisma, but her
precise comic timing more or less fills the
gap. Rita's most glaring flaw is that pro-
ducer-director Lewis Gilbert never man-
ages to make us forget that the movie was
originally a play. But the dialog crackles,
the characters make you care and Caine
scores as a top leading man mellowing into
middle age. ¥¥¥
.

To confront another sun-baked, brain-
less beach-party movie like those that pro-
liferated back in the Sixties is a prospect
about as welcome as having sand kicked in
one’s face. But director Bruce Beresford’s
wry, winsome Puberty Blues (Universal
Glassics) bears only а superficial resem-
blance to the teen trivia of yesteryear. In-
stead of bringing back banality, Beresford
explores the social and psychological tide
tables that determine the quality of life for
a couple of surf-obsessed groupics in mod-
crn Australia. Adapted by Margaret Kelly
from an indigenous best seller written by
two teenagers (Kathy Lette and Gabrielle
Carey) who knew the surfing scene
firsthand, Puberty Blues studies the initia-
tion, sexual subjugation and ultimate
liberation of Debbie and Sue (played re-
spectively, and charmingly, by Хей
Schofield and Jad Capelja). In order to be
accepted as a surfer's mate, a girl has to
fetch for him, flatter him, cater to his sex-
val whims but expect nothing in return.
How Schofield discovers, hurt by hurt,
that drinking, drugs, mechanical sex and
surfing as a spectator sport (it’s con-
sidered unseemly for girls) are not really
enough is the burden of Beresford's Blues.
It's a burden carried off with the honesty
and simplicity we're beginning to take for
granted from the man who made Tender
Mercies and Breaker Morant. Familiar
stuff, nicely recycled. УУ

.

А typical youth-oriented holdover from
summer's silly season is Let's Do It (Best
Film). The hero, Freddie, is played by
Greg Bradford—the kind of boyish blond
hunk who fires the libidos of otherwise
well-bred ladies at Chippendale's, a male-
stripper emporium in L.A. Do It, however,
offers Bradford as a virginal, blue-eyed in-
nocent who is impotent with women he
likes too much—the result, we're told, of
his having been breast-fed by his doting
momma. Don't try to understand. Hordes
of compliant California beauties are en-
listed to help Freddie, among them
Playmate Amanda “Missy” Cleveland
and scrumptious Britt Helfer as his impa-
tient girlfriend who hopes to celebrate her
upcoming birthday in bed. Dopey? You
bet. The name of the game is ogling. ¥¥

MOVIE SCORE CARD

capsule close-ups of current films
by bruce williamson
Class (Reviewed this month) School-
boys discover Jackie Bisset. ETT
Educating Rita (Reviewed this month)
And again, Caine makes his mark. ¥¥¥
VEtoile du Nord Acceptable French
import with Signoret and Noiret. — VV
Fanny & Alexander The most accessi-
ble, warm-blooded Ingmar Bergman
moviein many a moon. Masterful. ¥¥¥¥
Gabriela Mastroianni meets Sonia
Braga, with sexy results. Y
Heart Like a Wheel (Reviewed this
month) Bedelia as a savvy race-car
driver. A
Heat and Dust (Reviewed this month)
India in the good old days, romantical-
ly revisited by Julie Christie. | ҰҰҰУ
Lets Do It (Reviewed this month)
Young and willing and Californian. ҰҰ
Loose Joints (Reviewed this month)
Middling spoof of movie movies. ҰҰ
The Man with Two Brains Wacky com-
edy about a brain surgeon (Steve Mar-
un) deserves to be a big hit. yyy
Monty Python's The Meaning of Life
Outlandish, rude and irresistible. YVY v
Octopussy 007 is still a winning num-
ber, with Roger Moore and Maud

Adams. Wi,
Pauline at the Beach Rapping about
l'amour, in French. vvv
Psycho Il Psycho on the Late Show is
far superior, so why bother? Y
Puberty Blues (Reviewed this month)
Down-under view ofsurfettes. | УУУ

Querelle Adapted from Jean Genet,
Fassbinder's swan song is mostly a

fizzle. With Brad Davis. Y
Return of the Jedi The Force is still
with George Lucas. КЫ

The Star Chomber (Reviewed this
month) It’s The Verdict with action. VV.
Strange Invaders Scary s-f, minor but
promising thrills ’n’ chills. yy
Stroker Ace Burt, Loni and stock cars.
A slice of the same old salami—stale
and misdirected by Hal Needham. ¥

Superman Ш Reeve is back and
Annette O`Toole has got him. — ¥¥%

The Survivors An uneven odd couple
portrayed by Matthau and Robin ui
liams. Rather ho-hum.

Trading Places Eddie Murphy, mi
royd and Jamie Lee Curtis іп a top-
notch comedy. wy,

1а Traviata Camille as grand opera, by
ZelürelioutofVerdi.Grand. ¥¥¥

Twilight Zone—The Movie Big-name
epic produced by Spielberg but better
overall on TV of yesteryear.

WarGames Computer whiz kid almost
triggers World War Three. yyy%

Yellowbeard A bunch of the boys, plus
Madeline Kahn, whooping it up in an

uneven spoof of pirate movies. — ¥¥¥2
¥¥¥¥ Don't mis: ¥¥ Worth a look
¥¥¥ Good show ¥ Forget it

You probably have been depriving
yourself all these years of the great
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because you thought hi-fi was a
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It's the “one-touch” Intelligent Super
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31

TELEVISION

By TONY SCHWARTZ

WHENEVER he can, my friend Harry Shearer
likes to take a midafternoon break from his
work—writing comedy—to flip on his TV
and watch Max Robinson.

Don't go jumping to conclusions. This is
not a story about television news. The
Max Robinson I'm talking about is the
star of a show that Harry and his friends
have dubbed, affectionately, The Мах
Antics Hour. Like ABC's World News
Tonight, this show features Max sitting at
his Chicago newsroom desk. But instead of
delivering stories in his serious, sono-
rous style, Max is seen chatting on the
phone with his picture framer (Max col-
lects art) or haranguing his agent, kibitz-
ing with the crew about video equipment,
making airline reservations, sipping V-8
Juice and cracking fair-to-middling jokes.

What Harry is seeing—and most of us
cannot—is the live satellite “feed” that
connects Max Robinson in Chicago to the
ABC News control room in New York.
Each week night, for a few minutes, Max
reads his portion of the news on the air; in
between, he tries to keep busy. Watching
Max keeping busy is what Harry likes
to do.

That’s possible because amid the weeds
in the back yard of his Santa Monica
house, Harry has planted a $3500 fiber-
glass object that looks like a yolkless fried
egg and is known as a satellite dish. By
pointing it to the right spot in the sky,
Harry's dish can pluck the programing off
any of more than a dozen North American
satellites currently orbiting 22,300 miles
above the earth.

Approximately 100,000 dishes are al-
ready in use, and they are selling at the
rate of 20,000 a month. The owners
include both back-yard users and entre-
preneurs who set up Satellite Master
Antenna Television systems for apartment
complexes and hotels. This year, retail
sales of dishes are expected to reach one
billion dollars. A reasonable system can
now be purchased for as little as $1500—
not much more than a good video recorder.

Among dish owners, Harry is what's
known as a videophile. That's a fancy way
of saying a zealot. "You never know
what's up there,” he says. “Every morn-
ing, I go fishing in the sky for ten or 15 min-
utes. And nine days out of ten, I find some-
thing unexpected and delightful.”

Admittedly, Harry has a rather unusual
definition of delightful. His favorite satel-
lite program of all time was a medical
training film produced by an Army
hospital in Texas—about how to use a
colostomy bag. “Sue me,” he says, "but I
always wondered. And the pictures were
unbelievable.”

Even Harry acknowledges that watch-
ing sports, rather than Max Robinson or

“If you're a real
TV junkie, get
yourself a dish."

colostomy procedures, is his first love. For
that, the dish is a dream. “You take a
Saturday afternoon in the winter, when
NBC might be covering ten regional col-
lege basketball games around the coun-
try,” Harry explains rhapsodically. “Most
viewers get to see one. I can watch all ten.”

Even those choices are slightly esoteric.
According to David Wolford, who pub-
lishes a programing guide called Satellite
Orbit out of Hailey, Idaho, most of those
who buy dishes are simply being practical.
“You get three miles out of nearly any
town in the Western United States, and
you can’t get cable,” he says. “So you
put up a dish instead. I'd say 65 to 70 per-
cent of owners are rural and what most of.
them want are the three networks, PBS, an.
independent station, a sports channel and
a movie channel."

As it stands, dish owners get that and
plenty more. Just consider a typical week-
day evening of listings in Satellite Orbit —
one of perhaps a dozen trade publications
that serve the industry. At eight р.м. East-
ern standard time on June 20, for example,
the magazine listed 42 scheduled pro-
grams. Even at two am. the following
morning, there were still 21 choices. Add
the sort of unscheduled programing Harry
favors, and the number of choices some-
times exceeds 100. Few cable systems in
the country have that much channel
capacity—let alone that many programs.

We're talking heady notions here: Ask

and ye shall receive. Whatever's up there
in the sky just waiting to be tuned in at no
additional cost. True freedom of the air-
waves. A genuine global village. It sounds
almost too good to be true—and soon it
may be. The reason is that pay services,
led by Home Box Office, don’t much like
giving away their service for free. So some-
time this fall, HBO will begin scram-
bling its signal—and providing expensive
decoders only to its cable affiliates. Other
pay services, such as Showtime, are due to
follow si

"The real losers won't be manufacturers,
nor wealthy urban dish owners and
videophiles, most of whom have access to
cable already. Rather, they will be the
rural folks for whom a dish has finally pro-
vided a firstclass connection to the
burgeoning video world.

The right to view may not rate with dis-
armament as a world issue, but it does
have a certain romantic resonance. Con-
sider the case made by John Ponce, the
editor of Satellite TV Week.

“I grew up in the Sputnik era,” Ponce
says, “and one thing my parents paid their
taxes toward was that great thing called
the space race. Well, all this satellite tech-
nology is the payoff of that race. I feel that
people like me have paid many times over
for the right to receive whatever benefits
are now flying down from outer space. If I
don’t have cable service and I can receive
the best the electronic era has to offer only
by putting a dish in the back yard, then,
by God, I should be able to do that."

"There is some irony in all this. For if
services like HBO and Showtime are what
dish owners worry most about losing, it
just shows that for all the signals they
bring in, satellite dishes haven't vastly
broadened horizons. Rather, what the
dishes have made desirable is more—
much more—of much the same old stuff.
And after a while, the novelty of more
choice begins to wear thin.

Even a space-age romantic such as
Ponce admits as much—albeit sheepishly.
“By the second week of each month, m
pretty burned out on motion pictures,” he
says. "The services all show the same
ones. All my kids want to scc is cops and
cowboys and cartoons. So most of the
time, that’s what I end up watching, too.”

ОГ course, there will always be people
like Harry, for whom the dish is a connec-
Чоп to unending surprise. Even Max
Robinson has caught the spirit. "When I
first heard people were watching my feed,
I was quite disturbed," he says. "But then
I decided just to relax about it. Pm not
terribly obscene and I'm not terribly
strange. Now I'm thinking about getting a
dish myself. My wife and I just bought a
house out on the lake, and we have a friend
who's offered to put a dish up in our back
yard. Then I can start dishing back.”

xx COMING ATTRACTIONS >:

By JOHN BLUMENTHAL

IDOL GOSSIP: Peter Yates direct the film
version of the award-winning play The
Dresser, а suspense-filled comedy set in a
theater in wartime England. The story of
an eccentric English actor whose career is
on the wane, the flick will top-line Tom
Courtenay (reprising his stage role) and
Albert Finney. . . . Ex—Charlie’s Angel Tanya
Roberts has been selected to play the title
role in Columbia's Sheena, Queen of the
Jungle. The screenplay is being penned by
David (Superman I, II and IIT) Newman. . . .
“Animal House on rafts” is how Samuel 7.
Arkoff describes his latest film, Rafts, which
just happens to feature two of Animal
House's wild-and-crazy stars, Tim Matheson
and Stephen Furst, as well as Hill Street
Blues regular James B. Sikking. Set in Ore-
gon, the movie involves a bunch of crazed
collegiates who enter a white-water-rafting
contest and end up, among other things,
diverting the river through a house. . . .

Finney Roberts.

Word has it that Orion's The Bounty, star-
ring Mel Gibson, Anthony Hopkins, Edword Fox
and Laurence Olivier, will try to show Cap-
tain Bligh in a more sympathetic light
than previous portrayals have done. . . .
Charlton Heston, Brod Davis, Wayne Rogers,
Paul Sorvino, Ke Carradine, Stephen Collins,
Tess Harper, Victoria Tennant and Billy Dee Wil-
loms will star in CBS-TV’s six-hour
series Chiefs, based on a novel by
Stuart Woods. Shot in South Carolina, the
special is about a small Southern town
harboring a mass murderer whose crimes
go undetected for decades and the three
police chiefs who, one by one, attempt to
solve the mystery. . . . Michael (Mr. Mom)
Кесіюп will play a James Cagney-like role
їп 20th Century-Fox's broad spoof of Thir-
ties gangster films, Johnny Dangerously.
Amy (Fast Times at Ridgemont High) Heck-
erling has been signed to direct.

.

BROTHERLY LOVE: It’s never easy describing
the plot of a John Cassavetes film, and Love
Streans, his latest (set for release in 1984),
is no exception. Cassavetes co-wrote the
script, directs and stars with—natch—his
better half, Gena Rowlands. This time, they
play brother and sister. He’s Robert Har-
mon, a self-centered, belligerent fellow
who makes a good living writing novels

about emotionally tormented women.

Strictly an observer of people, Robert rare-
ly engages in emotional relationships of his
own and is something of a hermit. One
day, his solitude is shattered by his sister
Sarah, who has been in and out of funny

Rowlonds Cassavetes

farms. Having left her husband and her
daughter, Sarah comes to visit and decides
it is her mission to pry Robert out of his
reclusiye shell and make him happy.
Although she eventually accomplishes her
goal, her methods are, to say the least, un-
orthodox. Love Streams co-stars Dichnne
Abbott and Seymour Cassel.
.

TAXI FARE: Universal's D.C. Cab, starring
Gary Busey and Mr. T as well as a large
ensemble of relative unknowns, is an of-
the-wall comedy with a moral. Loosely
plotted, it concerns an unusual group of
Washington, D.C., cabdrivers haphazard-
ly working for a near-bankrupt cab com-
pany. Their cars are battered and in need
of repair, business is slow and the drivers
themselves don’t exhibit a lot of company
pride. But when one of their number is
implicated in the kidnaping of a diplo-
mat’s children, the cabbies rally to his
rescue, solve the crime, vindicate their co-

Busey М.т

worker and, with the reward money, clean
up their act. Castwise, D.C. Cab may ofler
some surprises—the 15-member group
includes two professional bodybuilders,
three stand-up comedians and a Washing-
ton Square street performer, all making
their motion-picture debuts. Joel (The In-
credible Shrinking Woman)” Schumacher
directs.
б

LOVE TRIANGLE: Director Taylor (An Officer
and a Gentleman) Hackferd's new venture
(due out in early 1984) is Columbia’s

Against All Odds, a contemporary remake
of the 1947 film noir Out of the Past, which
starred Robert Mitchum, Kirk Douglas and
Jone Greer. Interestingly (and this may be
а first), Greer also co-stars in the new ver-
sion with Rachel Ward, Jeff Bridges, James
Woods and Richard Widmark. An action-
adventure-romance, Against All Odds in-
volves a love triangle between two men
and a woman set against the backdrop of
power and its manipulation in present-day
Los Angeles. The three sides of the trian-
gle are Ward, who plays a rich, unpredict-
able jet setter; Bridges, an ex-professional
football player; and Woods, the owner of a
chichi night club. Greer portrays Ward's
mother, the owner of a pro football team,
and Widmark is a powerful Century City
attorney. Says director Hackford, “I
wanted to do a contemporary film about
Los Angeles that had the elements of ac-
tion, adventure, romance and intrigue, a
film that dealt with the unique nature of
power in Los Angeles. It also has in its

Bridges

foreground three very provocative and
sexy characters. I think of this as a danger-
ous love story. And I think it will inevi-
tably be very different from the original.
5

FUTURE ROCK: Director Walter (48 HRS.)
Hill's Streets of Fire may very well go down
in history as Hollywood's first futuristic
rock-'n-roll action-fantasy film. Starring
Michael (Eddie and the Cruisers) Paré, Dione
(Rumble Fish) lene and SCTV's Rick Mo-
ranis, the picture takes place against a
nightmarish urban background (no cities,
just districts) during an unspecified future
time. The ambience lies somewhere be-
tween Fifties chic and New Wave. Paré
plays Tom Cody, a soldier of fortune who
returns to the Warring District to save his
old girlfriend, rock singer Ellen Aim
(Lane). Seems Ellen was kidnaped during
a concert by an outlaw gang called the
Bombers. Moranis, in his first serious role,
plays Ellen’s manager, Billy Fish. Also fea-
tured arc Amy (Love Child) Madigan аз
Cody’s husky, gun-toting side-kick; Deb-
оғаһ (Тоо Close for Comfort) Van Valken-
burgh; Willem (Heaven's Gale) Dafoe; Richard
(Poltergeist) Lawson; dancer Marine (Flash-
dance) Jehan; and female bodybuilder Lise
Lyon. The film is set for a 1984 release.

33

Rum. Its Whats Happening.

America is switching from vodka and gin to Puerto Rican white rum.
It's happening in Monterey and everywhere else.

After a round on the fabulous Pebble Beach course, there's nothing like a refreshing white rum A pre-brunch white rum Bloody Магу

and tonic. Just ask Cypress Points Jim Langley and Johnny Pott of Carmel Valley Ranch. at the scenic Big Sur digs of Will and
Carol Surman.

Monterey residents Kenneth and After a lively doubles match, Tricia Alliotti, Theresa Briant, Maureen
Virginia Bartlett with smiles all Duffy and Vance Killen pause for rum screwdrivers. Seen with Pebble
around and rum on the rocks. Beach Tennis Club Pro Andy Briant.

A party at Carmel’s Atelier Galerie. Carmel attorney Don Hubbard Puerto Rican white rum has а уе Norm Edwards and
Owner Sam Ehrenberg and Puerto and his wife Phyllis like white smoothness vodka or рп cant his wife Jackie take a rum and tonic
Rican visitors Ricardo and Ingrid rum with their whitecaps. match. Because it's aged one full along on a Saturday afternoon stroll.
Jimenez, With white rum, of course. law.

RUMS OF PUERTO RICO

orsmo and taste.

For free "Light Rums of Puerto Rica” recipes, write Puerto Rican Rums, Dept. F-6, 1290 Avenue of the Americas, NY., NY. 10102 01983 Government of Puerto Rico.

Viewpoint

AIDS: JOURNALISM
IN A PLAGUE YEAR

By DAVID NIMMONS

TIME WAS, all we had to worry
about was plain old V.D.
"Then, when V.D. became a
"sexually transmitted dis-
ease,” the media swung their
y lights into place and we
got “scourges” or, even bet-
ter, “plagues.” They move so
fast that last year’s upscale
sex virus, herpes, has now
gone the way of E.T. In its
place, most of us have been
hearing alarming things about
AIDS, acquired-immune-de-
ficiency syndrome.

Rarely bas a disease in-
ired so much concern, hy
а and misinformation.
The news about AIDS has
touched off a dread once re-
served for leprosy. In several
cities, there have been reports
of nurses who have refused to
be in the same room with
AIDS victims.

Beyond the hysteria, there
is cause for legitimate con-
cern. Rarely have our best
medical minds—experts
whose professional tender is
their antiseptic caution—
made such statements as “the
most serious public-health
problem of the century.” In
its short history, AIDS has
killed more people than any disease
we've seen for a long time: More than
650 have died— nine and a half times as
many as died from Legionnaire's disease
and toxicshock syndrome combined
over a comparable period.

While we don't know what causes
AIDS, we do know its symptoms: unex-
plained weight loss, prolonged fever or
prolonged swollen glands, night sweats,
unexplained fatigue, persistent diarrhea
or cough, recurrent infections you can't
shake.

We know, too, that it moves fast. Only
three years ago, there were 55 reported
cases. Today, there are more than 30
times that number. If it continues to
spread at that rate, in three years, there
will be 50,000 cases. And 39 percent of
those will result in death in the first year,

Properly speaking, AIDS may be not a
disease but a syndrome that does to the
human immune system what Attila did
to Europe. People with AIDS can con-

tract a constellation of exotic infections
and cancers that they would normally
fight of. Looking at a patient's blood
cells under a microscope, doctors see the
wreckage of a crippled immune system.
What they don't see is what wrecked it.

“We simply don't know at all what we
have," admits Dr. Harold Jaffe, chief
epidemiologist of the AIDS task force at
the Centers for Disease Control (CDC)
No smoking gun has been found in any
AIDS case—no virus, no bacterium, no
Andromeda Strain to point to.

The media can hardly be faulted for
seizing on AIDS: Involving sex, love and
death, it makes herpes look like, well,
just a cold sore. The problem is that in
the media's feeding frenzy, a lot of care-
less things have been sai

A year ago, when the coverage began,
it was embarrassing. Magazines such as
US and New York splashed “Gay PLAGUE”
headlines across their pages in inch-high
type. Then came The Saturday Evening

Post's contribution: "Being
Gay Is a Health Hazard.”
Grabby, sure, and it sold
but wrong on both
counts: AIDS is neither con-
fined to gays nor highly con-
tagious.

Scarcely was their ink dry
when Esquire fingered AIDS
as an accessory before the fact
in “The Death of Sex.” Next,
Rolling Stone me-tooed with
an article titled “Is There
Death After Sex?" Was
PLAYBOY alone in feeling that
the reports of the death of sex

had been greatly exagger-
ated?
Recently, Newsweek, іп

what purported to be a sober,
detached look at AIDS, made
some astonishing statements:
AIDS, it told us, is “incubat-
ing in an untold number of
victims” whose “contami
nated blood” might spread
the disease.

Now, wait a minute. What
Newsweek describes is ghastly,
to be sure, but what does it
have to do with AIDS? As to
contaminated blood, that’s a
loaded word. Contaminated,
we ask, with what? Remem-
ber, this is a syndrome for
which there is no known cause, no
proven agent, an unknown means of
transmission and, hence, no way to know
whether or not a person’s blood supply
actually carries it.

As to “incubating in untold numbers”:
“Untold” is journalese for “We dunno,”
and what does incubating mean in a dis-
ease whose course nobody understands?
Without any scientific proof, those state-
ments may be more inflammatory than
informative.

The point is that nobody knows: not the
doctors, not the patients, not the media.
We're being presented with everybody's
conjecture as fact, and conjecture does a
lot of damage when people's lives are at
stake. We'd like to cite some facts

About AIDS’ being a “gay” disease:
Its not. There's no such thing. Germs
swing both ways, and they don't care
whom their hosts sleep with. True, the
disease was first reported among gay
men, but recent figures show that three

PLAYBOY

36

in ten AIDS victims aren't gay. Straight
women and men, some recent Haitian im-
migrants, I.V.-drug users, hemophiliacs,
even a few practitioners of the world’s old-
est profession have come down with AIDS.

About “catching” it: You're not in im-
minent danger. Yes, AIDS may be infec-
tious, but no scientist worth his pipettes
thinks you get it the way you catch a cold.
You don’t get it by being in the same room
with somebody, by sharing a phone, a
plate or an elevator. After three years and
more than 1600 reported cases, no health
worker—not one—is known to have
caught ALDS from a patient. Those who
would have us shun people with AIDS as

modern-day lepers simply haven't done
their homework.

Perhaps the worst half-truth is the sex-
equals-AIDS equation. Yes, it looks as
though AIDS can be transmitted through
intimate contact, but apparently it’s not
how much sex you enjoy but the number of
partners with whom you share it that in-
creases the risk. In fact, if you're a heter-
osexual male in good health who isn’t
Haitian, doesn’t inject drugs or enjoy
women by the platoon, youre іп the
lowest-risk group for AIDS. Sure, you
could take steps to lower your risk, but you
could also die of boredom,

As to the “plague,” remember that few-

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er than one one-thousandth of one percent
of sexually active Americans arc known to
have AIDS; 99.999 percent of us don't
have it.

We're not saying that AIDS isn't а
problem. We're saying that it's so much of
a problem that it calls us all to scrupulous-
ly separate fact from speculation. That is
crucial, because many would seck to
confuse the issues, to make political
capital from the human suffering of those
with AIDS. Let there be no doubt: Those
politicians are playing for high stakes
with AIDS.

"Those who would make our moral deci-
sions for us have alrcady taken aim at
AIDS, and scare articles have graced the
pages of the Moral Majority Report. One
Texas New Right group has moved to reg-
ulate what two consenting adults do in
their bedroom by calling for a law that
would make illegal not only oral sex and
anal intercourse but holding hands or kiss-
ing in public—all in the name of hygiene,
of course. A group in Maryland has stated
that the gay victims of AIDS arc “working
assiduously and irresponsibly to spread” it
and has charged that gays have “tainted”
blood. Stop us if you've heard that one be-
fore.

It's no accident that some of the people
most at risk for AIDS—gays, L.V.-drug
users—are those on the New Right's po-
litical hit list. And, lest we forget, that list
potentially includes anyone who is at all
sexually active. The New Right, after all,
is hardly bullish on folks who make their
own sexual decisions.

What we need arc not sermons but facts,
and those facts cost money. Yet, until very
recently, our labs have been starved for
moncy to fight ALDS. Two ycars after its
emergence, AIDS, which had killed 350
people, had received fewer real dollars
than had Legionnaire’s disease, which had
killed 71 people in a comparable period
Last year, President Reagan effectively cut
20 percent of the CDC's funding. Next
year, he hopes to reduce by one quarter the
number of over-all research projects at the
National Institutes of Health. For a time,
itlooked as though the only way to interest
Reagan in AIDS would be to convince him
that we could give it to the Russians.

More recently, sanity has begun to pre-
vail. Where four Government health agen-
cies shared only $5,505,000 in fiscal 1982
for research on AIDS, $14,532,000 was
made available in 1983.

The bottom line is that whilc we don’t
yet have a cure for it, the syndrome is
being taken from the sexual/medical ghet-
to and studied in the light of serious ге-
search. For now, that will help separate
phobia from fact. To those who do other-
wise, who fan fears for reasons of com-
merce or politics, we say: May a plague
fall on your houses.

mm

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By ASA BABER

wr were living in Honolulu, near Kahala
Beach, in 1972. The marriage was in final
convulsion. Life in paradise had not been
able to cover up the enormous fault line
running down the center of our rela-
tionship. It was a mess, and as discontent
rumbled through the house, I knew
nothing was going to put Humpty Dumpty
together again.

We were two adults who had made a
bad choice; by that time, I didn't care. We
could go our separate ways. But about the
two children of that marriage, I cared des-
perately. I was a creature common on the
American scene: a cavalicr husband who
was nevertheless a good father.

I knew two contradictory things: (1) If]
didn't get out of the marriage, I would lose
all sense of self-respect; (2) if 1 did get out
of the marriage, I would be ordered to give
up custody of the two people in the world
most important to me.

When my two sons were born, some
three years apart, I was there. I held them
early and I held them often. I spent a lot of
time with them and loved it; and, yes, I
gave up some career possibilities, but 1
gained much more. We wrestled just about
every day. We joked and laughed. I got to
know them and they got to know me. I set
limits; they challenged them. I was tough
with them when I had to be, but because
we had built a web of mutual trust, I don't
believe there was ever a time when my
sternness was taken as rejection. I don't
say I was (or am) the perfect father; Im
just saying that I gavc fatherhood my best
shot, gave more to it than to anything else
in my life. What I was doing, though 1
probably would not have called it this at
the time, was learning to love. It’s safe to
say that not until I became a father did I
know the meaning of love. And it is pre-
cisely that—learning to love—that is the
revolution in male thought to which I re-
ferred in my September column.

In case you haven't noticed, divorce as a
system is skewed against fathers. They
don't usually get custody of their kids (this
may be changing gradually, but back in
1972, it almost never happened, and the
figure today for the number of fathers who
gain custody is something like five percent
of the total). I was no exception to the rule,
and as the divorce came down, I experi-
enced an emasculation that is hard to
describe. I was barred from my home,
limited in contact with my children,
stripped of finances, portrayed as un-
worthy and dispensable.

Nothing in my training had prepared
me for that disaster. The images on which
I had been raised were typically male—
images from the street, the boxing ring,
boot camp, sports, movies. I had been
raised to win—or to die trying, Yet there I

BALL-BUSTIN' BLUES,
PART TWO

"| was a creature common on
the American scene: a cavalier.
husband who was nevertheless

a good father."

was, in pain, confused, losing that which I
held most dear.

Frankly, I was in mourning. Yes, men
do mourn, though they may not show it
often. Our grief is subterranean, like a fire
in a peat bog that burns deeply and
springs out in surprising places. I was in
mourning not for the marriage but for the
truncated chance at fatherhood.

I fcared for my sons. What role models
would they have? Would they accept the
image of the father as a throwaway item?
Would they come to see themselves as
equally dispensable? I feared for myself.
How could I rebuild a sense of self-worth
after the trauma of divorce?

I am convinced that that will always
stand in my mind as the darkest time of
my life. I think a lot of men know what I'm
talking about. In divorce the superstate
comes in and socks it to men, both fathers
and sons. They are almost always split
apart, and it is my belief that until that
splitting stops—until same-sex custody is
more seriously considered and more fre-
quently awarded —we will have no chance
for a truly healthy society. If you bai
good role models and ignore the struggle
to establish personal and sexual identity,
what you decree is what you'll get: genei
tions of lost sons and disappearing fathers.

In the months right after the divorce,
before my sons were to move away from
Hawaii, I set my face like a bulldog’s and
held to one idea: that love could not be
neutralized by a person or a power. I can’t
tell you how hard it was for me to believe
that sometimes.

I took my kids to the beach, to the zoo,

to concerts in the park, and I died i
It was painful in the extreme to be with
them, knowing that soon I would be able
to sce them only a few days a year. Their
confusion was evident, too, and I knew
that they had their own kind of pain to
deal with: Why had I left them if I loved
them? Were the things they were hearing
about me true? Were fathers unfaithful by
definition?
In the midst of winter, I finally learned
that there was in те ап invincible
summer,” Camus wrote. Slowly, I learned
what he meant. I refused to be a nonper-
son, and I stayed in touch with my sons
through thick and thin, even when it
seemed that the pressure on them to forget
me was tremendous. I paid more than my
share of child support, saw them whenever
possible, called them to joke and kid and
talk. I let them know I loved them.

Humor kept us in contact more than
anything else, I think. Male humor,
Vaudeville, bawdy, noisy, cornball, the
kind so often seen as immature. “What’s
new?" Га always ask first whenever I
called. “New York, New Jersey, New
Hampshire,” they would Groucho Marx
back; and then one of them would say,
“Rhode Island” or something like that,
and Га ask, "What's new about Rhode Is-
land?" and they'd yell back in unison,
“Not a damn thing.” We thought that was
funny for years. I was, simply, myself—a
man—with them. They understood what I
was doing, and they had the guts to love
me for it.

Something happens to young men about
the age of 12. If their fathers have kept the
lines of communication open, there comes
a time when that relationship can no
longer be broken, when the scarch for
identity is paramount and growth cannot
be stopped. It was at that age that both of
my sons came to live with me. We had to
check one another out. [t was as simple as
that.

I call it the Zen of manhood, this revolu-
tion Pm talking about. We men find
ourselves by losing ourselves. As our needy
egos are broken, so can they be more solid-
ly restructured. As we learn to love, we
turn into more worthy role models and
better companions.

To put it bluntly, one of these days, 1
think the superstate is going to learn not to
fuck with the father-son relationship.
There’s something too vital there.

It is a day most men wish for
mightily.

Hennessy

The civilized way
to say good night

By CYNTHIA HEIMEL

WE. THE WALKING WOUNDED, are a band of
merry marauders, laying waste to tender
psyches in cities, boroughs and hamlets all
over the land.

Victims of serious damage while engag-
ing in the war between the sexes, we take
no prisoners. We strike, destroy and Пес.

We're clever, though. When we find a
potential victim, we pretend to be all
warm and wonderful and loving and car-
ing and vulnerable. And then, as soon as
the poor sap falls for us, we laugh mirth-
lessly and say, "Sorry, but you're more
ready for a commitment than I am." Or,
when we want to be really mean, “Sorry
bur I've fallen in love with somcone else.

evaporate into the night, one more scalp
hanging from our belts.

You probably know из. You may well be
one of us. If so, you know we weren't al-
ways this way. Witness the case histories of
some of our jolly band.

FRED

Fred was no fun at all until he met Myr-
na. Withdrawn and meck, he would К
into space at parties, then go home and
make a Spam sandwich for a midnight
snack. His only sexual encounters were
with $50-a-night hookers, whom he would
implore to beat him. But they wouldn't,
since discipline was extra.

Then Myrna breezed into Fred's lile. No
feast for the eyes, old Myrna—too tall,
lank hair, overly chubby thighs. But she
had a certain sweet availability in her
deep-green eyes that turned Fred into a
new тап. Walking hand in hand in the
park, making love in front of a roaring fire
and giggling were suddenly part of Fred’s
repertoire. Fie was finally happy.

‘One day, Myrna failed to show up for a
date. When Fred called, Myrna explained
sweetly that she was terribly sorry, but she
had met a mountain climber the day be-
fore, and she was moving to Switzerland
with him.

Eve was really excited about Tony. She
never had to tell him anything twice. He
always got the point, the joke, the cruel
irony. Plus, she could jump on him
whenever she wanted and he was always
ready, even on the beach.

One day, they were reading Ogden
Nash to each other and suddenly realized
that they were hot and sweaty. "Let's take
a shower," Tony :

They took off their clothes and walked
into the bathroom. On the shower rod
hung a black-lace garter belt, two pairs of
black panties and a bra—not Eve's.

Tony kept promising never to do it
again as more of those episodes unfolded
Then, one day, Eve walked into her apart-

And then we whistle a careless tune and Ё

WALKING
WOUNDED

“Walking hand in hand in the
park, making love in front of a
roaring fire . . . were suddenly part
of Fred's repertoire."

ment and found Tony fucking another
woman on her couch.

HOWIE

Howie's mother Fated him. It had been
a difficult birth and in his formative years,
Howie's mother was fond of lifting up her
dress, showing Howie her scars and whin-
ing, “Look what you've done to me!"

Howie's first marriage fizzled, but when
he met Pam, he decided to try again. Pam
needed him. He was going to help her get
off drugs and enroll her in an acting class
He and Pam went to Vegas to get married
They took a few grams of cocaine and a
couple of thousand dollars. Soon, the
cocaine was gone and the money spent.

"Why don't we go to bed now?” Howie
asked.

“Fuck you!” Pam shouted, throwing her
wedding ring at him.

STEPHANIE,

Stephanie met Fred in the laundromat.
He was having trouble sorting his whites
and she helped him out. Fred was shy
and withdrawn, which Stephanie found
appealing. They started dating. Stephanie
didn't mind sharing Fred's passion for
Spam sandwiches, since he seemed so kind
and gentle.

One day, Stephanie waited for Fred for
an hour in front of the movie theater where

. they had planned to meet.

“What happened to you?” asked
Stephanie when she finally reached Fred
on the telephone.

“1 was there at the appointed time,” he
said stonily.

“Т had trouble getting a cab,” said
Stephanie.

“Don’t give me that shit,” said Fred.
“You women are all alike. Think you can
just walk over a man.”

“Huh?” said Stephanie.

JEFF

"Thank God, Гуе finally met the woman
of my dreams, thought Jeff as he gazed at
Eve's face.

"What are you staring at?”
snapped.

“Į was just thinking how beautiful you
аге and how much I love you,” said Jeff.

“биге,” said Eve, “апа whose face were
you gazing into last night?”

“Huh?” asked Jeff. “I told you I had a
late meeting.”

“You must think I was born yesterday,”
said Eve. “Get lost, creep.”

Eve

CANDY

Candy realized she was falling for
Howie, and the thought gave her a warm
and misty glow.

Howie bought her son presents and told
Candy how her delicate wrists made him
want to protect her. He called her three,
four times a day just to say hello. He was
sweet.

But one night at dinner, Howie wasn’t
so sweet. He had a mad, strange glint in
his eyes and suddenly remembered an ur-
gent appointment elsewhere just as they
were tucking into their chocolate mousse.

“Howie, is something wrong?" Candy
asked when she saw him again.

“Not really.”

“What do you mean, not really?”

“Well,” said Howie, “this is the thing. I
think you're growing too attached to me. I
think maybe we should stop seeing each
other for a while.”

“Huh?” said Candy.

[ must stop now. A disquieting rumor
has just come in from the front. Seems that
Fred and Eve started having an affair, and
when Eve accused him of seeing another
woman, Fred lashed back with his “You
women are all alike" routine. So far, so
good.

But suddenly, out of nowhere, he started
laughing. “Lets not do this anymore,” he
said to Eve.

And she laughed and said, “OK, what
the hell, let's give each other some slack.”

Maybe they're right. Maybe we walking
wounded should stop this self-protective
vendetta business and start trusting
people again. You go first. [x]

41

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THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR

"Fus year, 1 met a very attractive girl in
one of my university classes, and we began
to have frank and open conversations
on the subject of sex. I learned quite early
that she has herpes. However, despite that,
1 fell in love with her; she is a beautiful
person. We began having sex and have
taken measures to see that I don't become
infected. She tells me when she is having
an outbreak or is safe, when she is feeling
run-down, etc. I make use of condoms to
prevent any errors in judgment. My prob-
lem is that on one or two occasions, I
accidentally let the fact that she has herpes
slip out in the company of friends. Since
then, word has gotten around. Now Гус
found that a few of my friends have begun
treating me as though 1 have the
plague, giving me a separate towel if I use
their washroom. One friend even refused
to allow me to kiss his bride after their
wedding—all that, despite the fact that I
don’t have herpes! When I’ve become irate
and have told those people that I don’t
have it, the response has been either
“Sure, sure" or “I don't care; I’m not tak-
ing any chances." My girlfriend has told
me that she avoids this by not telling any-
one except the person she is seeing.
However, now that I am in this position, I
don't quite know what to do short of get-
ting a certificate from a doctor attesting
that I don’t have herpes.—M. B., Van-
couver, British Columbia.

You could wear one of those pins that say
1 DON'T HAVE HERPES, but that’s tacky. You've
learned the lesson of discretion, though too
little and too late. Your friends are suffering
from misinformation. What your girlfriend
told you put you at ease, Our advice: Pass
along the facts, and if your friends can't
make the adjustment, find new friends.

МІ, hand-me-down luggage is about
ready for the Salvation Army. I obviously
need a new set, but Td lil to be as serv-
iceable as possible. The questions are
many: Should I buy soft- or hard-sided
luggage, key or combination locks, zipper
or snap-closure bags? You sce my prob-
lem; can you help?—D. T., Boston, Mas-
sachusetts.

The casual traveler has needs different
from the business traveler's. If you're packing
casual clothes for a vacation and intend to do
much of the carrying yourself, you'll be better
off with lightweight, soft-sided bags. If you're
on a business trip and need your clothes in top
condition, hard-sided luggage will give you
the protection you need from wrinkles and
baggage handlers. Locks on luggage serve to
keep the cases from popping open; they do not
discourage thieves. So you're probably better
off with a combination lock, since you'll have
one fewer key to misplace. Snap closures are
preferable if you want a light seal. If you opt

for zippers, make sure they are of sturdy brass
or nylon. Soft-metal zippers tend to open at
their own discretion. If you travel а lot, you'll
find that light-colored bags soon become
scuffed and dirty. Choose dark colors or make
sure that the material is easily wiped clean.
The ideal luggage is sturdy looking. And
remember, if your luggage makes it to your
destination unscathed, your clothes will, too.

For some years, 1 have noticed that after
ending a relationship with a girl, I feel
extremely uncomfortable seeing her or talk-
ing with her. Generally, I don’t feel com-
fortable with those who decided to end the
relationship with me or those with whom I
had an extended sexual relationship. I feel
very naked and vulnerable to those girls,
as they know my innermost fears and in-
securities—the times Гус been hurt, the
time I couldn't get it up, etc. The problem
came to the surface recently when a long
relationship was ended by a woman who
was a close friend’s girlfriend’s roommate.
Everyone expected the hatchet to be
buried and the four of us to resume the so-
cial activities that we had all enjoyed, but
I want no part of my ex-girlfriend. Are
those feelings common in other males?
What is their basis?—M. S., New York,
New York.

What you describe is a common occurrence.
Many people feel uncomfortable with their
former lovers. A great deal depends on how
well they knew each other and the cause or the
causes of the breakup. Some are able to re
main friends, while others go their separate
ways and rarely or never see each other
again. Your “insecurities,” as you pul it, are
normal, and the torment about them some-
times diminishes with the passing of time. If it

does not, there's no reason why you should
force yourself into social contact with an ex.
When such situations occur, try to be polite
and civil, but don’t go out of your way to
appear friendly.

Ш recently added а game console to my
video system, and it’s clear that I’m going
to need some kind of switching device to
avoid having to connect and disconnect
my VCR. I'm ata loss to determine which
is the best for me. Can you give me any
guidelines?—M. P., Santa Barbara, Cali-
fornia.

Switchers, just like people, can be passive
or aclive. The passive ones are mechanical
and the active ones are electronic; your choice
is based more or less on the quality of the sig-
nal you receive. The big problem, you see,
signal loss. Any lime you put something be-
tween your input and your output, it acts like
а sieve. If you have a strong signal where you
live, the signal loss inherent in switching
shouldn't be apparent and you can get away
with a mechanical switcher. On the other
hand, if your signal is weak, you may want to
opt for an electronic switcher. These usually
include an amplifier built in to boost the sig-
nal. Understand that the boosted signal is not
improved, just boosted. If you don't get a good.
picture to begin with, you may need to add an
antenna. It’s а good idea to have more inputs
than you now need, since you may later want
to add another component—or two or
three—to your system.

Мі: ago, 1 met a woman who has a
personality that is unbelievable. She will
go to any extreme to make me happy. She
is outgoing, a great cook, a fantastic lover,
a terrific conversationalist and an all-
round great companion. She holds a re-
sponsible job for a major corporation, and
because of a recent promotion, she has a
higher salary than 1 do. Sounds like a рег-
fect mate? To many, probably, but there is
one facet of her personality that prevents
me from popping the big question. When I
ask her about previous lovers or about her
past, she usually tries to avoid answer-
ing ог says, “Хопс of your business” or “It
didn’t involve you." I suppose that to
many people, past matters have little
сапсе, but to me, knowing every-
thing about the person I will live with the
rest of my life is very important. I wouldn’t
like to end up as a divorce statistic. Also, I
feel I have the right to know her better
than any other guy does. By giving me the
answers she does, she makes me very
suspicious of her, and I feel that she has
some dark secrets that, if they did surface
after marriage, could cause a split. І have
imagined her as a hooker or a junkie. I am.

43

PLAYBOY

also beginning to think that her being so
loving and ready to satisfy me is a ploy to
deter questions about the past. Please
advise me.—T. R., New York, New York.

While it's natural to be curious about a
lover's past, we think you'd better cool it or
risk losing а woman who sounds terrific to us.
Respect her wishes to avoid discussions about
the past. She's with you now, and that’s ай
that should matter. Jealousy is usually in di-
rect proportion to insecurily. You might work
on your self-doubt before it ruins a good thing.

О). my next vacation, I intend to take
advantage of my newly learned skills in
scuba diving. But 1 heard recently that
scuba diving and flying don't mix. I don't
understand; how am I supposed to get to
the islands?—B. C., Cambridge, Mary-
land.

You could combine your scuba training
with some long-distance swimming, but the
problem isn’t really that serious. As you know.
by now, the added pressure on your body
caused by underwater diving can increase
your level of nitrogen. When you surface tov
quickly, you can be subjected to a painful and
sometimes falal affliction known as the bends.
While the usual scuba surfacing guidelines
work very well for preventing the problem
when you return to land, they are not suf-
ficient if you intend to go higher. Therefore,
most experts suggest that you wait at least 24
hours after you stop diving before climbing
onto an airplane. Until the last day, you can
enjoy yourself underwater as much as you
want, but save that last day for getting your
body chemistry back into working order—and
other docile diversions.

FEE nore maniso years е ined wiih
the frustrating problem of premature ejac-
ulation. During that time, 1 tried mat
techniques to solve the problem, some of.
which were not too pleasant. | finally
found the perfect solution. I was with the
most sensuous woman believable. Upon
our very first encounter, 1 climaxed im-
mediately upon insertion, whereupon she
told me, “Don’t worry, don’t take it out,
turn on your side and relax.” She kept
squirming ever so gently. Soon I joined in
her motion, became rcaroused and re-
sumed the superior position and pro-
ceeded in a relaxed rhythm. As I shifted
directions, she kept me apprised as to what
felt good. By the time I attained a second
climax, she had had several orgasms.
Thereafter, she raved over her enjoyment
as she engaged in afterplay such as I had
never experienced. Thus ended my prob-
lem of premature ejaculation.

Do you think some of your readers
might like to try that technique?—B. Т.,
Hartford, Connecticut.

Yes. Thanks.

M, car has a catalytic converter. | am
wondering if removing it will improve my
саг performance. I have heard that driv-

ers do this, and I өсе ads for conversion
kits that allow the change. What's the
story?—L. D., Moline, Illinois.

There are two reasons nol to do it. The first
is that current penalties for the removal of the
converter can. be as much as $2500. The
second is that there is no evidence thal its
removal will improve either performance or
mileage. A catalytic converter is not an add-
on device—it is an integral part of your сату
exhaust system. Changing one part of the sys-
tem could throw the whole thing off bal-
ance—nol lo mention ils throwing your crap
into our air. A good tune-up to the cars specs
should give you all the power your car is sup-
posed to have. If you need more, you need a
new set of wheels.

yg nd more than a year ago.
We went together for about six weeks.
During that time, we had sex frequently
and it was terrific for both of us. She would
comment on our compatibility. We got real
close; then she got scared and we broke up.
1 took the breakup pretty hard. I was real-
ly in love. About three months later, she
came back and we dated for about four
months. I really wanted to get serious, but
she didn’t. We had sex less frequently and.
it was not as good for cither of us, but she
seems to care for me and she even told те
once that she loved me.

Last night, she told me I wasn't satis-
fying her sexually. We bad never really dis-
cussed it before, and it was a real blow to
me. When we don't have sex regularly, I
have trouble containing myself. I get so.
turned on, Г come too quickly, But I know
from past experience that my endurance
improves with regular sex. The problem is
that my girlfriend feels that good sex
should just happen. She doesn't feel it сап
be improved on by working at it. My penis
is very sensitive, but it secms I can control
it when I have sex regularly. Am I wrong?
Does endurance improve with regular sex
or is it all in my head? We used to screw for
hours, so I know I can last —F. R., Kan-
sas City, Kansas.

A friend of ours once said that sex ts per-
fectly natural but almost never naturally per-
Sect. If a person thinks that sex should just
happen, he or she is not taking responsibility
Sor that act and deserves the end result. To
put your mind at rest, any number of things
can affect your control. Frequency of sex is
certainly one of them. Don’t let your first
orgasm mark the end of sex, though. You
have other ways io excite your partner, and
while you are doing so, you may find thal you
are aroused again. It usually takes longer to
reach an orgasm the second lime, so go for it.
If you satisfy her in other ways, then she will
want sex more regularly. If not, find someone
else. You've been better—you know what it
takes for you to perform to your oum satisfac-
tion. Find it.

Т... stereo system I own is what you
might call moderately priced, but I'm very
interested in getting one of the new com-

pact-dise players. My question is, will
there be a significant difference in the
sound 1 get through my system—enough
to justify the expense of the disc player? —
R. D., Detroit. Michigan.

Probably. Improving the source will im-
prove your sound. But if you're not satisfied
with the sound you get now, you may not be
happy with the C.D. player, either, because it
will have to go through the same amplifier
and the same speakers as your conventional
turntable. Since machines sometimes act in
perverse ways, the C.D. player may point up
the limitations of your present system. Those
limitations will probably be in your speakers.
A moderately priced amplifier or receiver, if
not driven at a distortion-producing volume,
won't add that much coloration to your music.
But a bad set of speakers will. If you're really
interested in gelling the best that C.D. has to
offer, think about upgrading your speakers.
There's no point in starting with better sound
if it’s going to be warped before it gets to your
бату.

М, bo,

fortunate, because after asserting myself as
a professional woman all day, 1 enjoy
nothing more than waiting on him in the
evening. Our intimate life involves a great
deal of bondage; I am disciplined for any
behavior he deems inappropriate or disre-
spectful. Our roles are wonderfully com-
and we аге very happy
togeth г If have committed ап
unusually bad infraction, it is not unusual
for welts to be raised on my ass, thighs or
breasts. Normally, they turn to bruises and.
fade in ten days to two weeks. Never is the
skin broken. Question: Will that bruising
punishment result in long-term damage to
my skin? Is there any way to mitigate the
damage if any is being done? I do not seek
to soothe the burn of the injury; that would
defeat the purpose. I only want to avoid
permanent damage. Any help you can give
me would be greatly appreciated — Miss
T. E., Tulsa, Oklahoma

In general, we would give the same advice
that we would give to ап N.F.L. linebacker:
Put ice on everything that hurts. However,
we would add a warning. According to the
book “Sex and Health,” “Intense biting of the
breasts can cause bruising and infection.
Trauma to the breast may hasten the spread of
breast cancer. In experiments with mice, mas-
sage of the tumor caused rapid dissemination
of cancer.” We don't think disfigurement or
death is the purpose of any hobby, so watch it,

All reasonable questions—from fashion,
food and drink, stereo and sports cars to dating
problems, taste and etiquette—uill be personal-
ly answered if the writer includes a stamped,
self-addressed envelope, Send all letters to The
Playboy Advisor, Playboy Building, 919 М.
Michigan Avenue, Chicago, Illinois 60611.
The most provocative, pertinent queries
will be presented on these pages each month.

Step up in taste,
istep down in tar
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DEAR PLAYMATES

WA. who edit rravsov know what the
readers think of our Playmates. They write
to us every month and tell us. We know
what we think of our Playmates, because
we pick them to grace the pages of our
magazine. We were curious about what
our Playmates thought of themselves when.
they looked in the mirror. So we decided to
ask them.
The question for the month:

When you look at yourself, what do
you think is your sexiest, most alluring
feature?

М, eyes. Eyes reveal the soul. My eyes
are Very expressive, and I believe they're
one of my
best features.
In fact, 1
think they
reflect my life
experiences—
I was a military
child and I was
raised all over
the world. I
was exposed to
a lot of things
ап dh te
lier аре than
most women, and I think my experiences
and the carly maturity they gave me are
revealed and reflected in my face, particu-
larly in my eyes.

Jian уйш

JUNE 1975

V think my eyes tell a lot. I can seduce a
man with my eyes. Or сап tell him no the
same way. The шш

big thing to re-
member about

looks is that
you start out
with what

you're born
with. You don’t
actually do any-
thing to get it.
But you can
capitalize on
what you start
out with. You
can learn to usc what you get to your
advantage. As far as everything else goes,
going down my body, well, the rest of me
falls into place.

LORRAINE MICHAELS
APRIL 1981

Wie sexiest part about me, I think, is ту
face. I have а good smile. 1 don't have a
hard ora bitchy look. You know how some
people have that look and you just know
what — they're
going to be like
before they
even open their
mouths? I think
Т have a whole-
some look, and
I'm pleased
with that. Гуе
ncver been di
appointed with
the color of my
hair, Tve al-
ways been hap-
наа
about my teeth or the color of my eyes. 1
have always been happy to look the way I
do and то have what I have.

Old

DENISE MCCONNELL
MARCH 1979

МЇ V sem E eft ire iî
think my sexiest feature is my eyes. Ст
able to talk with my eyes. I can tell a story
with my eyes. I
can let a man
know if I like
him with my
еуез. I сап
show Pm
attracted to
him just by the
way I look at
him. It works
both ways, of
course. I can
show a man
I'm turned off,
too. My eyes have always told the story of
my feelings for anyone. A man can always
read how I feel about him in my eyes.

(фу,

MARLENE JANSSEN
NOVEMBER 1982

WI, height and my bustline аге my two
sexiest features. If we're talking bodies, 1
usually receive the most attention for my
generous endowment. I have an hourglass
figure, which

seems to be

coming back in

style, thank

goodness. I've

never under-

stood what was

supposed to

be attractive

about being

rail-thin. I look

good in a bath-

ing suit. I have

round hips and

а small waist. I d
to have a little flesh on it. Artists used to
celebrate that look. I hope they will again.

Ge emot

CATHY LARMOUTH
JUNE 1981

МА, hair. I've always had long hair; it
has never been shorter than my waist. All
of my Ше, peo-
ple have com-
mented on ту
hair. It is the
first thing that
catches а man's
attention when
he looks at me.
And if all your
life people tell
you that one
particular fea-
ture about you
is beautiful,
you'll feel that feature is a beautiful part of
you. It is pretty clear to me that men think
long hair is very sexy, and I do, too.

IA.

SUSIE SCOTT
MAY 1983

Send your questions to Dear Playmates,
Playboy Building, 919 North Michigan
Avenue, Chicago, Illinois 60611. We won't be
able to answer every question, but we'll try.

47

м
о
m
м
Lj
ым
ы

Bestin the field

Fine sportswear for men and women, Boston Traders? Showrooms: 15 West 55th Street, New York, NY 10019 (212) 245-2919. Executive Offices: Boston: (617) 592-4603.
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THE PLAYBOY FORUM

a continuing dialog on contemporary issues between playboy and its readers

THE DEVIL'S DUE

The survey reported in the "Devil Gets
His Due" item in the July Forum News-
front brought several things to mind.

The first has to do with the French, only
five percent of whom think people are basi-
cally good; the second with the Irish, who
bravely raise that scale of human afirma-
tion to 34 percent; the third with the
Americans, who believe in hell and the
Devil twice as much as the Europeans do.

Mark Twain, according to Hal Hol-
brook, said, “Мап was created a little low-
er than the angels, and since that time he
has been getting lower, lower and lower.
Now he is somewhere between the angels
and the French.”

Speaking of his recent trip to Ireland, a
friend of mine observed, “Getting drunk in
Ireland is the easiest thing in the world,
but it's virtually impossible to get laid!”

Back to Twain and Holbrook for a mar-
velous comment on the Devil: *Any indi-
vidual who is spiritual leader of two thirds
of the human racc and political leader оГ
the whole damned lot deserves serious
attention."

Are there implied lessons? Yes. One:
"The French agree with Twain in assessing
themselves. Two: Good whiskey is prefer-
able to sex. Three: Considering our recent
political experiences, Americans һауе
good reason to believe in the Devil.

Paul C. Stone
San Francisco, California

PARTY LINES

By now, it should be apparent to
PLAYBOY's editors that their readers do not.
necessarily hew to the liberal party line
generally espoused by the magazine. In-
deed, I would guess, from reading The
Playboy Forum, that many, if not most, of
your readers are fairly conservative, with a
strong libertarian bent: They do not like
taking orders, either from the Government
or from nonlibertarian reformers. They
don't want to be told that they can't see
sexy movies, smoke marijuana, own guns
or obtain abortions. The one thing that
traditional left-wingers and right-wingers
have in common is a dangerous streak of
authoritarianism.

It is to PLAYBOY'S credit that despite its
liberal philosophy, it’s willing to go against
the popular grain, left or right, on many
controversial issues—such as capital
punishment, which I think your editorial
writer successfully rescued from being
strictly a liberal cause (“Тһе Punishment
of Death," March). I would like to see the
same intelligence brought to bear on other
issues that have become merely banners іп

the politics of confrontation, in which

reason is replaced by the venting of spleen.
M. Q. King
Chicago, Illinois

SAVING SEAL HUNTERS

Тһе humorous letter from a supposedly
wild-cyed baby-seal hunter (The Playboy
Forum, July) reminds me of a visit I re-
ceived from the Greenpeace people.
They're fine folks, but I wonder why they

“Some teenagers
are going to have sex
whether or not they
have contraceptives.”

and others like them don’t commit the dol-
lars they spend in behalf of the harp seal to
aiding the Newfoundlanders who present-
ly depend on the seals for their sub-
sistence. Just the money spent raising
even more money for opposing seal har-
vests would probably provide a good living
for the entire seal-hunting community.
Maybe somebody should шу that ap-
proach before simply condemning those
people as butchers.

Paul Е. Clark

Bedford, Massachusetts

Sure, and you'd not only turn all the in-

dustrious and besieged seal hunters into lazy
welfare dead beats but also put many a good
fund raiser into the unemployment line.

SNITCHING

To those readers who support the squeal
rule (The Playboy Forum, July):

Some teenagers are going to have sex
whether or not they have contraceptives.
All contraception will do is save some of
them from unwanted pregnancies—and
the resulting abortions or unwanted chi
dren. However, the threat of being
squealed on will, without a doubt, deter
sexually active teens from taking advan-
tage of the available birth control. The
Government is not condoning teen sex, nor
is its providing contraceptives encouraging
teens to “keep something as important as
sex from us.” Would you rather learn
about your daughter’s sexual activities by
noticing her swelling belly?

The bottom line, the bare fact, is that
the only way to stem careless teen sex is to
provide better sex education, both in the
home and in the schools. If your child is
“sneaking behind your back,” don’t blame
the Government for attempting to treat a
symptom of the problem. Blame yourself
for causing the problem by not assuming
responsibility for your child’s education
and sexual awareness.

LecAnne Pantuso
Irving, California

The fear that a daughter is using con-
traceptives is the fear that she is enjoying
sex. That she may be mature and responsi-
ble enough to prevent an unwanted
pregnancy in spite of her parents does not
seem to be important to Johnnie Miller
(The Playboy Forum, July).

Patricia Cramer
Malibu, California

When Texas’ 1975 budget was being de-
bated in the state senate, a member asked
one of the influential committee chairmen
if family-planning clinics were dispensing
contraceptives to minors without notifying
anyone. All the senator said was, “They
seem to be getting pregnant without their
parents’ consent.

Robert Duckham
Waco, Texas
The so-called squeal rule is kaput—
knocked in the head by a Federal appeals
court in Washington, D.C., that found и to
“contravene Congressional intent.”

“DRUGSCAM”

With considerable fanfare, the Reagan
Administration has taken several major
steps to combat drug use: Vice-President
Bush has supervised a joint task force in
south Florida; the FBI has joined the drug
fight; Attorney General William French

48

PLAYBOY

Smith has visited Thailand and Pakistan
to enlist their aid in curbing heroin traffic;
AWAC planes and Navy ships have been
employed.

Result: seizures doubled and tripled.
Yet availability, purity and consumption
of many drugs are still going up. Why?

The answer is the U.S. Government's
"drugscam" operation, which uses agents
provocateurs to finance, entice, enlist, en-
trap and promote many an average citizen
into the drug business when he may not
otherwise have been so inclined. Law-
enforcement authorities had so much fun
and success with Abscam that they de-
cided to “‘stay the course” and continue to
create and promote crime using the same
stage props—lavish town houses, elegant
yachts, expensive cars, jewelry, cash-laden
Suitcases, large flash rolls of $100 bills,
which is tantamount to placing an ad in
the daily newspapers:

-HOW DO UNEMPLOYMENT AND A BAD
ECONOMY AFFECT YOU AND YOUR BUSINESS?
* 1S YOUR WIFE OUT OF WORK?
*ARE YOU BEHIND IN YOUR MORTGAGE

THOSE PROBLEMS!
WE'VE FOUND A BETTER WAY! ENLIST NOW
IN THE ILLEGAL-DRUG-TRAFFIC BUSINESS,

NO DOWN PAYMENT REQUIRED: 100 PER.
CENT FINANCING AVAILABLE.

There is enough criminal activity in our
country today without creating more for
purposes of budgetary justification, high
visibility and public consumption

Many criminals today are violating the
law with impunity simply because they
know that if caught, they will often go free
through the Federal witness-protection
program. All the criminal has to do is turn
over other guilty parties in exchange for
his freedom, plus a possible cash bonus
and immunity from prosecution for past
crimes.

George Attard, #19654-053
Danbury, Connecticut

“URINE THE NAVY NOW”

In the “who is shitting whom?” depart-
ment, the following excels. The Navy took
a survey of drug use in December 1980.
Finding: 48 percent of junior personnel
used pot somewhere, sometime in that
month or the preceding one. In August
1982, the Navy did it again and found that
pot use was down more than 50 percent.
Why? Because, if caught, you get “fired,”
fined, demoted or all of the above. You get
caught by two main methods of law en-
forcement: You urinate into a test bottle
on demand and show positive, or you get
sniffed by dogs and are found holding.
(Women and men get the same treatment
in the modern military. Your wife and
children; in short, anything the dog wants,
the dog gets.)

New York State Representative Joseph
P. Addabbo, Chairman of the Defense
Subcommittee of the House Committee on
Appropriations, thought this information
so wonderful that he sent the Chicf of

FORUM NEWSFRONT

what's happening in the sexual and social arenas

DOPE ON THE JOB
DALLAs—Contractors in the Dallas area
are planning surprise searches as part of
their own antidrug campaign among соп-
struction workers. The group estimates that
up lo 42 percent of American construction

workers use drugs and cost the building in-
dustry 15 billion dollars a year in lost time,
accident claims and property losses. “The
workers don’t have to submit to a search, but
they become ex-employees if they don't,” a

contraclors’ association safety director
warned. The American Civil Liberties Un-
ion said that such searches violated no state
or Federal laws, but .the right-of-privacy
issues would be investigated.

DEATH WITHOUT DISHONOR

LONDON—A British High Court judge
has refused to ban the Voluntary Euthana-
sia Society's "Guide to Self-Deliverance,”
which describes five bloodless methods of
suicide. The court said that distribution of
the booklet could be a crime if it resulted іп
а suicide or an attempted suicide, but that
would have to be decided in a criminal
court. Police claim that they have linked the
guide to 15 deaths in a period of 18 months.

BUNNY SNATCH

FRANKFURT, WEST GERMANY—An 18-
year-old boy and his 12-year-old brother
have confessed to kidnaping a local
шотап pet rabbit and holding it for a
$12.70 ransom. Police staked out the empty
hutch where the ransom note ordered the
money to be left, but the boys spotted the
cops, freed the rabbit and split. They sur-
rendered to the authorities later, claiming it
was all a joke, and the rabbit was тесар-
tured, but the older brother still faced a
possible extortion charge.

ADULTERY DANGER

BostoN—The Massachusetts Supreme
Court has unanimously upheld the author-
йу of the state to regulate the institution of
marriage and to criminally prosecute
citizens for simple adultery. In a case їп
which police observed a couple—both mar-
ried but not to each other—having inter-
course in a wooded area, the man pleaded
guilty and paid a $50 fine, but the woman
unsuccessfully challenged the constitu-
tionality of the century-old law and now
faces tial,

Meanwhile, after many years of legisla-
tive debate, Wisconsin has finally revised its
sex laws that prohibited everything from
cohabitation lo so-called unnatural acts,
even between married people. Adultery re-
mains on the books, but the new law
removes criminal penalties for cohabita-
поп, fornication and homosexual acts and
generally ignores sexual behavior among
consenting adults in private.

WHY THEY CALL IT DOPE

MARCO ISLAND, FLORIDA—An incredulous
sheriff's department reported that а 21-
year-old tourist ratsed hell with his hotel's
‘security personnel because someone had
stolen $1000 worth of cocaine from his
room—and he wanted them to find it or
reimburse him for the loss. When the secu-
rity supervisor and two helpful sheriff s
deputies gave him a bag of coke they said
they had found, the irate guest claimed it
as his, complained that “a lots missing,"
signed for his stolen property and was
promptly arrested. “I couldn't believe it
when the goofy signed the receipt,” said
the supervisor.

MANDATORY MARRIAGE

NEW ULM, MiNNESOTA— District Judge
Noah Rosenbloom has hit upon a new tactic
for improving the morals of defendants
seeking probation for pelty crimes. When he
finds one living in sin, he gives him or her
the choice of gelling married, moving out or
going lo jail under the Minnesota law that
makes cohabitation a criminal offense.
According to the judge, “Sooner or later,
and usually without much delay, [they] get
married.”

“Some of them don't like it too much,”
added a local public defender. “But they
don’t feel they are in any circumstance to
lake a contrary position."

Meanwhile, a Meridian, Mississippi,
judge untangled a complicated family
situation with Solomonic wisdom: He
granted a divorce to a young couple, mar-
ried the divorced woman to another man,
then allowed the new husband to adopt her
baby, which he had fathered just prior to her
first marriage.

SOME VACATION

NEW ORLEANS—A 34-year-old tourist
from Richmond, Virginia, told police that
while walking lo her hotel one night, she
was raped by two men on the steps of the
slate-supreme-court building—and that
another man whom she asked for help raped
her agam. "That was the most inconceto-
able part,” she said. After that rapist had
also fled, an elderly man in a jogging oulfit
came to her aid but left before the police ar-
rived, saying, “You're white and I'm black,
and I will probably be blamed for this.”

In Boston, five men originally given
small fines in exchange for pleading guilty
to a gang rape have now been tried as a re-
sult of cilizens protests. They were acquitted
of all charges except damaging the victim's
car, where the sex had taken place.

And in Rhode Island, the legislature has
passed a bill making it а crime lo witness а
rape or an attempted rape and fail to report
il lo the police.

BACK TO BED

VATICAN crrv—A Roman Catholic the-
ologian has declared that test-tube concep-
lion “must be considered illicit from the
moral point of view." In a statement deliv-
ered to 400 obstetricians and gynecologists
in the town of Bari, Italy, Monsignor Carlo
Caffarra said, “Only the sexual act is ethi-
cally admitted to create the conditions for
the birth of a new human being.”

GREAT GUNS
сипсасо--50 far, former mayor Jane
Byrne's antihandgun ordinance has failed
10 discourage Chicagoans from buying more
pistols and revolvers in the suburbs and
has created a paperwork nightmare for

than 100,000 un-

more

the police:
processed applications to register existing
weapons. One gunshop owner reported an
increase in sales to Chicago residents who
claim that they have summer homes or sub-
urban businesses.

Naval Operations a letter, I quote, in part,
“As а consequence of your resolute, and in
some quarters unpopular, decision to
promote a drug-free environment for those
dedicated people who are defending our
country, there has been a 50 percent re-
duction in marijuana usage among our
junior sailors."

So the military youth are responding.
Even in these hard times, retention of
military personnel is dropping. Repre-
sentative Addabbo's effort is a failure.
Alcohol use apparently scars—as much as
100, 150 percent, depending on the base
and the Service.

The social cost is incalculable. The
financial cost is incredible. Urine samples
by the hundreds of thousands have re-
mained in boxcars, waiting for experi-
enced testers.

(Name withheld by request)
Manchester, New Hampshire

FETUS ҒОШЕ5
The ancient Greeks threw their un-
wanted babies out with the garbage, a
cruel but effective form of birth control.
What's the difference between that and
abortion—catching it a few months sooner
and flushing the residue down the toilet?
Life begins at conception. If you don’t
want offspring, eschew sex—or use con-
traceptives.
John Grindley
Athens, Greece

I can’t believe that some of your readers
have actually irritated me enough to make
me go through this tedious business of
writing a letter. In the June Playboy Forum,
Roger С. Brezina ends his letter with, “If
we don't know for sure, then why kill a
fetus? It might really be human."

Brezina, speaking as a professional
biologist, I can assure you it is human.
Have you or anyone else out there ever
heard ofa human fetus that developed into
anything else? A living human sperm
unites with a living human egg to produce
a human zygote that, after much fuss and
bother, develops into a human. It is part of
a living continuum.

І hope those who insist on asking,
“When does a human life begin?” have
been paying attention, because that ques-
tion has also just been answered. The de-
finitive human characteristics are in place
at the molecular level. At no point is the
fetus anything nonhuman; at no point is
there life coming from nonlife. Supporters
of the Hatch Amendment, who insist on
defining human life at the diploid unicellu-
lar level, should be ‘wondering how it’s
possible to produce a human from (by
their apparent definition) а nonhuman
sperm and egg. The question of when a
human life exists is just not relevant to the
abortion issue as it is currently debated.

Something that is relevant, however, is
the fact that a person can be either a
living, human, biological entity, as previ-
ously described, or a legal entity: “Any
human being, corporation or body politic
having legal rights and duties,” according

to your good old Funk & Wagnalls.

That, in turn, brings up Michael
Brady’s letter in the July Playboy Forum.
He almost contradicts himself: To say,
“The question of abortion is not a legal
question at all. It is a question of logic and
ethics” is amazing. Without logic and
ethics, law is nothing more than bald
assertions or arbitrary authority. Also, the
statement “There is not a single major
philosopher since Socrates or Aristotle
who would support any abortion-on-
demand argument” is simply untrue. Is
Bertrand Russell major enough? It doesn't
really matter, because if'you insist on “тпа-
jor,” you admit to a fallacy of logic called
argumentum ad verecundiam or ipse dixit:
You wish the fame or authority of the per-
son to carry your argument. Major ог
minor doesn't matter—only how well his
statements stand up to the new discoveries
and the thinking of later generations. The
only way I can see that Brady could write
such a letter is if he accepted some abso-
lute definition of morality instead оГ
admitting that moral values differ from
culture to culture. Law is determined Бу
the largest number, voice or power in a
culture. In a free society, therefore, law.
will be determined by that culture’s moral
environment, not the converse.

If your readers are going to make a big
deal about presenting a logical argument,
they should do it right. Are they using
words whose meanings are clearly under-
stood? Words communicate our perception
and understanding of reality; we tend to
think and reason in the words of our lan-
guage. Therefore, the incorrect use of a
word can lead one down a long line of non-
sensical thought.

I've wanted to thank рілувоу for а long
time for The Playboy Forum. So—thanks!

Dan Hogan
Germantown, Maryland

I don’t think that abortion is murder
but, rather, that murder is unauthorized
abortion. All wrongful deaths should be
labeled abortions; if the abortion is unau-
thorized, then it can be labeled murder.

For a few months after conception, the
parent to be or not to be has a legal right to
abort the fetus, or child; after that time,
the child becomes sacred for a period of 18
years. Upon his 18th birthday, the state
assumes the right to abort him, whether it
be in a war or in a gas chamber.

I suggest that we give parents the legal
right to abort their children until the age of
18. That way, there will be no lapse in
reality for people as they exit from the
womb on their journey to adulthood.

J. Almblad
Portland, Oregon

POPULATION CONTROL

I wonder how “Yardley Snide” (The
Playboy Forum, July) would classify me оп
the volatile issues of the day. I must be
conservative, since I'm against more
handgun controls and favor keeping

51

PLAYBOY

52

the death penalty, at least until some reli-
able form of rehabilitation is found.
However, I'm also pro-choice (very few
people are truly pro-abortion) and also
favor equal rights for women.

While it’s nice to know that “Yardley”
would find me consistent in defending
both legal abortion and legal handgun
ownership, I wish he would choose better
terms than prohandgun and pro-
abortionist, which describe radical posi-
tions held by very few.

David Barker
San Diego, California

“Yardley,” in a fit of wit, looked at selected
facts and concluded that abortion and hand-
guns are merely part of God’s master plan to
control world population.

GUNS AGAIN
Pm sure I'm the kind of gun-control
advocate many other such advocates don’t
like to hear from. As a nature enthusiast,
Га like to see rifles and shotguns con-
trolled and animals left the hell alone.
Handguns are still good for killing crimi-
nals, and that bothers me a whole lot less.
‘James L. Massey
Livingston, Texas

I'm in favor of gun control of any kind
My logic is simple: I do not own a gun and
never intend to own one. Therefore, I
don’t sce how І can fail to benefit from gun
control. If such controls manage to keep

guns out of the hands of even a small frac-
tion of potential users, they reduce the
chance of a gun's being used on me
Maybe the situation isn't as simple as
I'd like to think, but Гуе not yet read ог
heard anything that would make me be-
lieve otherwise.
Daniel Andrews
Woodland Hills, California
You're right about one thing—it's not that
simple. The kind of prohibition you seem to
advocate would infuriate, polarize and сгіті-
nalize as much as half of the adult male
population in this country (and quite a few of
the females), which generally isn't the most
effective approach to any national problem.
See William J. Helmer's “The Trouble with
Guns” in our March 1982 issue to get an
idea of just how complex the problem is.

CANNON FODDER

Since this country's leaders seem deter-
mined to go down the same road in El
Salvador that was followed in Vietnam, I
suppose you may classify this as an open
letter to our Government.

I have a son who was recently required
to register for the draft. He’s an intelligent,
articulate young man who is graduating
with honors and who, given half a chance,
will probably leave an indelible mark in
his chosen profession and make his mother
and me сусп morc proud of him than we
already are.

THROW THE RASCALS OUT

A while back, I read
an alarmist newspaper
story reporting that an
estimated 26,000,000
Americans smoke mari-
juana. About the same
time, I read an alarmist
magazine article estimating that
26,000,000 Americans legally own
handguns. That coincidence struck me
as more interesting than alarming and
got me to thinking. The pot smokers I
know tend to be fairly liberal-minded
and nonviolent and tend not to own
handguns (one toke over the line and
it's all they can do to thread a reel-to-
reel tape recorder). On the other hand,
the gun owners I know tend to be con-
servative-minded, hard-nosed and
booze-oriented (a few dozen middle-
aged duck hunters could have quelled
the celebrated youth rebellion in a mat-
ter of weeks). Both are a bit paranoid
because of antipot and antigun cam-
paigns, and both are angry at the
Government. Both have a certain liber-
tarian philosophy that rejects the tire-
less efforts of well-meaning reformers to
tell them how to live their personal
lives. Both like sex, generally speaking.
But, for reasons of social and cultural
prejudice, neither group much likes the

DONT FUCK WITH ME

other, partly because
they don’t really know
each other.

Our politicians often
capitalize on that mutual
suspicion by pitting the
“armed and dangerous
rednecks” against the “immoral dope-
smoking hippies,” even if both groups
probably include about the same per-
centage of doctors, lawyers, intellec-
tuals and even politicians.

Now let's go back to those figures of
26,000,000. If we multiply by two and
subtract а reasonable number of
minors, we'll probably still come up
with something like 40,000,000. And
not just 40,000,000 pcople but
40,000,000 voters who, if they put aside
their petty differences, would constitute
the most powerful political force in the
history of representative government:
an unbeatable coalition of libertarian
men and women, well armed but very
laid back!

I can sce it now: the American Pot
and Pistol Party, pissed off in a mellow
sort of way, marching behind the
famous Colonial flag depicting the
coiled rattlesnake with a slightly mod-
ified slogan: DONT FUCK WITH ME.

— HORACE NAISMITH

I truly love America and served in her
Armed Forces during the carly Vietnam
years. 1 would willingly (if not gladly) sur-
render my life in defense of her shores and
would expect no less from my only son.
But before I let him be sacrificed on the
bloody altar оҒа group of paranoid mega-
lomaniacs, I will personally transport him
to a country where he doesn’t have to
worry about being used as cannon fodder
to help prop up some two-bit dictator’s
oppressive regime.

To those in Government who see the
Red menace under every bed, the only
weapons of any avail are trust, human
dignity and freedom. For the seeds of com-
munism or simple internal rebellion bear
fruit only in the barren soil of repression
and poverty.

This commitment was born out of a
deep love and respect for our son, and I
would not presume to advise anyone to fol-
low our possible actions, but I do think
that the American people, who may be re-
quired in the near future to send their sons
and loved ones to fight and perhaps die on
some unnamed battlefield, should ask
themselves, “For what?”

Dennis M. Dvorak
Cedar Rapids, Iowa

FORESKIN FOLLIES

Circumcision—pro and con—continues
to be discussed on a hysterical and irra-
tional level. It is no wonder that the
United States is the only country where the
majority (80 percent) of newborn males
are circumcised for nonreligious reasons.

A century ago, the English-speaking
countries adopted so-called health cir-
cumcision. Today, Great Britain and New
Zealand have virtually abandoned the
practice, In Canada and Australia, the
rates have been declining. The United
States remains the nonreligious-circumci-
sion capital of the world.

Isn’t it strange that no other country has
adopted routine newborn circumcision in
the past 100 years?

Edward Wallerstein
New York, New York
Wallerstein is the author of “Circumcision:
Ап American Health Fallacy” and was inter-
viewed in “Sex News" in January.

Your continuing debate over circum-
cision reminds me of Joseph Wambaugh’s
book The Choirboys, in which a couple of
bored vice cops staking out a public men’s
room while away the time betting on how
many “anteaters” versus “helmets” will
show up at the urinal. Having never
known my own foreskin, I must withhold
judgment on the virtues of either option
until we hear from the ladies.

Gerry Thompson
Cincinnati, Ohio

Let’s settle the battle of the foreskins
right now. If we didn’t die from penile
hemorrhage due to carelessness, we've got
no beef as to whether or not the member is

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PLAYBOY

wearing a hat, so long as it works

PERSONALIZED Speaking of women, now, you ever won-

der why their.overeasies are still inside
RAZOR. while ours hang around? Interesting story.

From the Playboy designer collection: | То order, send $18.00 in check or бе үрді Cierny, sine once Host in Dese

An elegantly sculpted. 18-karat gold- money order to: Playboy Products, Р.О.
plated or silver-plated Razor. Complete Box 1554-R. Elk Grove Village. IL 60007.
Ure uU equ оул ay inter ом exc H.M.H. AWARDS
of 3 engraved initials for the ultimate ог American Express. Please include ай
in personalized shaving. Makes an credit card numbers and signature. and A prominent member of the Amer-
ideal gift. specify gold or silver. and 3 initials to ican Civil Liberties Union, the co-
be engraved. owners of a small Kentucky newspaper

and a pioneer of this country’s civil-
liberties movement were honored as
winners of the 1983 Hugh M. Hefner
First Amendment Awards at a lunch-
eon held in New York. They received
$3000 in each of three categories:

Outstanding National Leadership:
Mark Lynch, chief counsel for the
A.C.L.U/s National Security Project,
who has regularly challenged attempts
by U.S. intelligence agencies to limit
First Amendment freedoms under the
guise of national-security requirements
that too often have been shown to con-
ceal questionable or illegal Govern-
ment activities

Outstanding Community Leadership:
Tom and Pat Gish, owners of the
Whitesburg, Kentucky, Mountain
Eagle, who have protected the public’s
right to know through their exercise of
| freedom of the press despite arson, in-
timidation of their advertisers and sup-
pliers and frequent harassment in their
efforts to make regional power brokers
and mining interests more accountable
to the community.

Lifetime Achievement: Osmond K.
Fraenkel, a prominent free-speech

CHANGING advocate associated with the A.C.L.U.

and the New York Civil Liberties Un-

YOUR ADDRE 9 Е CUL re hel
e participated in crucial First Amend-

a ment cases before the U.S. Supreme
Please let us know! Notify us at least 8 weeks before Court. Fraenkel died, at the age of 95,
you move to your new address, so you won't miss апу shortly before the formal presentation
copies on your PLAYBOY subscription. Here's how: of his award, which was accepted by
members of his family.

Lynch, the Gishes and Fraenkel join
g label more than two dozen previous recip-
ients of the annual Hugh M. Hefner
First Amendment Awards. The win-
ners were chosen by an independent
panel of judges including Harriet
Fleischl Pilpel, lawyer, author and hu-
man-rights activist; Studs Terkel, best-
selling author and national radio host;

3 Mail to: and William Worthy, international
."" PLAYBOY Em

Р.О. Box 2420 People were then equipped with locking-

docking glands, and when they wanted to
cine Gio GOD fuck, they just matched those Big Macs

together and ploonged away. Whocver got
thocked first made the baby, but nobody
really cared so long as they got it of
Then, one day, some crazy bastard
jumped onto the ground and suffered a
unique form of hernia from that act, since

1 Оп a separate sheet, attach your m
* from a recent issue. Or print your name and
address exactly as it appears on your label.

2 Print your new address on the sheet as well.
.

Taste is all it takes to switch to Jim Beam.

PLAYBOY

58

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COMFORT. They're handsewn and fully leather lined, with
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STYLE. Burnt Cherry and Burnt Sugar are Frye's exclusive
new colors for 1984. There's also a ——À
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in classic Frye styles. қ

Reporters, police depart-
ments, even a famous
consumer advocate all put
our famous TV gunshot
testto the test. With a
high-powered rifle, they
blasted a half-inch hole
clear through our No. 15
lock. And in case after
case, all documented,
~ the lock held tight.
Bullet proof that Master
^" locks really are
tough under fire!

= Maste:
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Tough under fire.

defined as cither original sin or man’s
great leap into aeronautical engineering
No longer thockable, he now had a deliv-
ery system solely designed to make the
female warden of the egg. She got the bam-
bino and he ended up with saddle sores no
creature should have to endurc. But that's
the breaks, and until we design a better
system, we've got to keep on trucking

Bill Loren

Rockville, Maryland

Of course, I'm procircumcision. First of
all, I didn't get streamlined until I was 50,
and not for medical reasons of my own. 1
read once that the majority of women with
cervical cancer had uncircumcised hus-
bands, and I will harm no flower! АШ my
life, since the first exploratory peel-back in
the tub, I was lucky in having a remark-
able glans that refused to wear a hat and
discouraged the foreskin from hooding or
cowling forward over that one-eyed rebel
But Гус always been a stickler for hygiene,
and a skin-locked dick, even slightly neg-
lected, is an insult to any chick’s beaver.

Bernard Villa
Jessup, Maryland

It is gratifying to observe that рілуноу
has, in recent months, finally lifted an
apparent editorial taboo of long standing
concerning circumcision. Please accept my
congratulations for no longer evading mor-
al responsibility in that area.

Jeffrey R. Wood
Wilbraham, Massachusetts

Well, thanks, but we've opposed routine in-
fant circumcision for many years, though
we've occasionally taken time out for such
issues as the Vietnam war, drug laus and the
abortion controversy.

NICE WORDS
As a woman who has been reading
PLAYBOY for several years, I would like to
commend you on your excellent contents.
Once, 1 regarded the magazine аз
hopelessly chauvinistic; but upon reading
it closely, I сап say that it is editorially less
sexist than many magazines supposedly
geared to women’s tastes. While PLAYBOY
takes definite stands on certain issues, it
nevertheless publishes other viewpoints. [
realize that Ї am not the first to say it, but
your magazine remains one of the few cur-
rent and well-integrated sources of news,
politics and entertainment
Maric Haley
Fort Walton Beach, Florida
We like to publish such nice letters осса-
sionally just to annoy the opposition

“The Playboy Forum” offers the opportu-
nity for an extended dialog between readers
and editors on contemporary issues. Address
all correspondence to The Playboy Forum,
Playboy Building, 919 North Michigan Ave-
nue, Chicago, Illinois 60611.

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паво wwe» HILL STREET BLUES

a candid conversation with the creator and the entire cast of televisions
most intelligent, innovative and critically acclaimed dramatic series

On January 15, 1981, NBC inauspicious-
ly aired an hour-long series pilot called “Hill
Street Station." Covering а single day in the
life of an inner-city police precinct located т
an undesignated metropolis and featuring an
oversized ensemble cast of relative unknowns,
the show had a frenetic pace and а grittily
realistic style. Characlers walked in and out
of frame, dialog was choppy and overlap-
ping, action was sudden and gut-wrenching
and individual dramas never seemed lo reach
resolution. Suddenly, without warning, un-
suspecting viewers were thrust into the chaos
of a police station: There was precinct cap-
tain Frank Furillo's ex-wife barging into his
office to demand her overdue alimony check;
just outside, a scruffy undercover cop with a
reputation for biting felons subdued a rowdy
low-life; the beautiful and cool public de-
fender Joyce Davenport walked by; the pre-
сіпсі elder statesman, polysyllabic Sergeant
Phil Esterhaus, whispered into a telephone to
his teenaged sweetheart; suave but sleazy
Detective J. D. LaRue was unceremoniously
doused with a cup of hot coffee while eloquent
Lieutenant Howard Hunter dispensed dime-

A e
werrz: "I don't know if Ud put a sardine in а
milk shake, like Belker. Bul Гое been known

lo eat a pig's foot or a chicken’s foot. We're
also the same height. Unfortunately.”

ON
P

наш: “Michael and I first looked. at cach
other and said, ‘I'm going to be paired with
this person; he'd better be able to hold me up!
You really have to trust.”

store wisdom on the pervasiveness of inferior
races; and, finally, there were the two blues,
beat cops Andy Renko and Bobby Hill, walk-
ing innocently into a ghello ambush in the
dark recesses of à condemned building. The
staccato pace and the unfamiliar style didn't
fet up—nol for а minule—and опе thing
became immediately apparent: Nothing quite.
like “Hill Street" had ever been seen on
television.

Initial audience reaction, however, was
unspectacular. Viewers accustomed to being
lulled to sleep by late-night fare were roughly
awakened by “Hill Streets". wallop; they
weren't used lo keeping track of 14 regular
characters, countless extras and stories that
didn't have neat, sanitized endings. The
Nielsen ratings for the first season ranked the
show—by then retitled “Hill Street Blues"—
al the death-knell mark of 66 out of 69.
Bul if the viewing audience was slow to come
around, the press wasn't. From the outset,
critics were ипеһагасіетізіса йу unanimous
іп their praise of the quirky hybrid of cop
show and soap opera, in effect pressuring
NBC to stick with it despite lackluster ratings.

HAMEL: “T mostly тесі men who have а pre-
conceived idea of me as Joyce Davenport
before 1 even sit down to dinner. Vue got to.
тегі someone who doesn’t watch television!”

WARREN: “We сас) had reservations about
working with the other. Charlie had this
repulalion as a monster who was going to
walk in and tell me how to play my vole.

PHOTOGRAPHY BY RON MESAROS:

Meanwhile, desperately trying to find a suil-
able home for its unique and somewhat per-
plexing product, NBC frantically shuffled the
show from time slot to time slol, making it
almost impossible for “Hill Streets" small but
dedicated group of fans lo tune in.

But “Hill Street” prevailed. Word of
mouth, critical acclaim and the first season's
21 Emmy nominations kept the series alive
for that first crucial year. A remarkable 42
Emmy nominations, three Golden Globes, a
Grammy, Peoples Choice, Peabody and
countless other prizes. later, “Hill Street
Blues” is entering its third full season as one
of NBC only bona fide hits. According to
statistics, VCR fans tape it more than any
other show on TV; and certain Congressmen
have reportedly been known to leave prestig-
ious dinner parties to watch it.

Much of “Hill Street's” success can be
altributed to ils casting. Creators Steven
Bochco and Michael Когой brought together
14 highly experienced but little recognized
pros whose average age is now 35, somewhat
older than the peach-fuzz average of many
series stars. Backing them иј is an unusual

tRavanti: “Sometimes, I’m like Furillo; he's
sort of my aller ego, my friend Frank from
New York. . . . Overall, though, Pm more
voluble; 1 gesticulate, 1 talk faster.

“There's a lot of good humor on the
. Once, we were shooting a line-up of sus-
pected felons. All the guys in the line were our
writers, incredibly scrungy.

61

PLAYBOY

62

assortment of writers, including ex—assistant
Manhattan district attorney Jeffrey Lewis
and former Yale English professor David
Milch.

To talk with the people who make up the
show, PLAYBOY sent Contributing Editor John
Blumenthal (who conducted our last cast in-
terview, wilh the “Saturday Night Live"
crew, in 1977) апа итйет Betsy Cromer to the
Studio City headquarters of MTM, produc-
поп parent of “Hill Street Blues,” and to the
stage location for the precinct. Their report:

“What had all the potential of a Chinese
fire drill turned out to be an incredibly well-
organized and smooth-running operation.
When we arrived, the cast was busy shooting.
three new episodes for the May ratings
sweeps, a factor that disabused us of any no-
tion we might have had about getting all of

THOMAS: "Some women become cops because
they think they'll be around these guys all day.
That might have been Lucy's thing, too. 1
think it's the worst job in the world."

martin: “What would I like to see? Ud like
LaRue to get through one show without hav-
ing to smear himself with grease, go down in
the sewer and ball an alligator”

srano: “I'm Goldblume now, but he could
have been anything. The way he was de-
scribed in the pilot, he couldn't defuse а roll
of kosher toilet paper.”

them together in one room. Half of the actors
were occupied on stage 15, completing the in-
terior precinct shots, while the other half were
off shooting at various locations in downtown
Los Angeles. (Maintaining ‘Hill Street's’
any-city look, we learned, principally in-
volves finding sites devoid of palm trees—no
easy task in L.A.) As a result, we talked with
the cast members mainly in the pairings their
characters maintain on the show—Hill and
Renko, Joe Coffey and Lucy Bates, Furillo
and Davenport and so on—sometimes en-
larging the group, sometimes breaking off to
talk one on one. We had hoped to include the
writers of the show—the real heroes of ‘Hill
Street's’ success—in the final interview, but
not all were available and space considera-
tions prevailed. We did manage to speak with
19 people—five writers and producers and

LA

MARINARO: “Originally, I had a guest-
starring role. They kept my character іп to
validate the Lucy Bates character—and be-
cause I was taller than she was.”

воснсо: “While it’s true that the crime we
portray is often heinous, we've had white rap-
ists, black rapists, Hispanic rapists. We're an
equal-opportunity offender.”

Bosson: “I’m in a bind with Fay. Га love for
her to become а whole person. 1 also under
stand that the minute she's whole and terrific,
they won't шат her in the series."

all 14 cast regulars.

“What soon became evident was that ‘Hill
Streeters share a sincere and deeply felt fami-
ly spirit. In fact, much to our surprise, ше
have found the entire oversized group mostly
devoid of the prima donnas one would natu-
rally expect оп а hot TV series. With their age
and experience, all have been through their
own Hollywood wars—as Charlie (Renko)
Haid told us over beers in a neighborhood
bar, ‘There isn't a drinker or a doper in the
group.’ What came across was a sense that
they are mature professionals, proud of their
product, performing their jobs as conscien-
tiously as they know how—and that feeling
clearly carries over into the show's chemistry.”

Following is a brief summary of each cast
member's background. as well as Bochro's ré-

sumé. (His cocreator, Michael Kozoll,

BLACQUE: “A New York critic once described
те as the kind of actor who could probably
drink a can of beer with a toothpick in his
mouth, so 1 kept my toothpick.”

=

À 2
RY

ENRIQUEZ: “I'd like to show more of Calle-
tano's family background. Hispanics are one
of the most family-oriented people in the
world—they don't believe in birth control.”

сомклр: “Although I've mellowed in my old
age, Phil Esterhaus is а much nicer сиу.
There's a decency about him. But | think I'm
a little more sophisticated with women.”

is no longer with the show.)

Bruce Weitz (Detective Mick Belker) went
through Carnegie Tech with Haid, Bochco
and Bosson, acted on Broadway in “The
Basic Training of Pavlo Hummel,” "Nor
тап, 15 That You?” and “Death of a Sales
man” with George С. Scolt, aud in
Shakespeare in the Park. Weilz went West in
1977. To convince then-MTM president
Grant Tinker that he was right for the part of
Belker, he is reputed to have leaped onto a
table and growled during his audition. He
has been twice nominated for an Emmy for
his work on “Hill Street Blues.”

Veronica Homel (Joyce Davenport) has re-
ceived two Emmy nominations for her role as
the beautiful public defender on “Hill Street
Blues.” Once a successful model, she began
her acting career on the New York stage, then
moved 10 Hollywood іп 1975. She turned
down a chance to be one of the three original
Charlies Angels but appeared on nume
ies, including “The Rockford F
“Dallas” and “The Bob Newhart

(йе has also had roles in movies, in-
cluding “Cannonball” and "Beyond (he
Poseidon Adventure.”

Doniel J. Travanti (Captain Frank Furillo)
has won two Emmys and a Golden Globe for
his portrayal of “Hill Street's” forbearing
leader. An alumnus of Yale Drama School,
he appeared on Broadway in “Othello” and
in guest roles on many TV shows. He recently
completed his master’s degree in English,
hosted “Saturday Night Live” and has con-
tributed his lime to speaking on behalf of the
national “Don't Be a Dope" campaign
against drug abuse.

Charles Haid (Officer Andy Renko) gradu-
aled from Carnegie Tech, received a grant
from the American Conservatory Theater,
laid bricks and mixed drinks in New York be-
fore beginning to direct and produce plays
off-Broadway. He co-starred with Michael
Conrad and Judd Hirsch in “Delvecchio,” a
series created by his friend Bochco; when it
was canceled, he appeared in “The Execution
of Private Slovik,” “The Choirboys," “Who'll
Stop the Rain” and “Altered States.” In
1979, he coproduced the Oscar-winning
“Who Are the DeBolts and Where Did They
Get 19 Kids?” As Renko, hes been twice
nominated for an Emmy.

Michael Warren (Officer Bobby Hill) was a
two-time all-American basketball star, gradu-
ated from UCLA with a degree in film and
broke into TV doing commercials, which led
to roles on “Adam-12," “Marcus Welby,
M.D." and “Mod Squad.” He appeared in
the film version of "Bulterflies Are Free" and
had running roles on NBC’ "Sierra" and.
“Paris.” His portrayal of beat cop Hill land-
ed him an Emmy nomination last year.

Jomes B. Sikking (Lieutenant Howard
Hunter) spent some time іп the military,
where, in his own words, he “fought the
bloody battle of Fayetteville, North Caroli-
na.” After attending UCLA, he gue:
on more than 200 TY shows, i

a three-year stint as Dr. Hobart on “General

redils include
"he Competi-

Hospital.” Sikkings mov
“The Electric Horseman,
tion” and “Ordinary People.”

Betty Thomas (Officer Lucy Bates) worked
as а high school substitute teacher in Chicago
before hooking up with Second City. She per-
formed with the noted improv group (which
at the time included such fledgling comics as
John Belushi and Bill Murray) for more.
than three years, then moved 10 Las Angeles
10 start a Second City franchise in Pasadena.
On the big screen, she has appeared in
“TunnelVision” and “Jackson County Jail.”
Her role as a Blue has golten her two
Emmy nominations.

Ed Marinaro (Officer Joe Coffey) was а
three-time all-American running back at Cor-
nell, was drafted by the Minnesota Vikings
and played pro ball with them for six years,
including two Super Bowls. After a stint with
the New York Jets, he retired from football.
Invited (o Los Angeles by his friend Joe
Namath, Ed landed guest-starring roles on
"Eischeid" and then on “Laverne and Shir-
ley,” which led lo a regular part on the latter
seris. By a similar turn of fate, his guest-
starring role on “Hill Stree!” was turned into
а regular part as Lucy Bates’s partner.

Tourean Blacque (Detective Neal Washing-
ton), whose real name is Herbert Middleton,
Jra started his acting career in New York
with the Negro Ensemble Company and made
his Broadway debut in the Tony Award—win-
ning play “The River Niger.” Since his move
to California in 1976, he has appeared

on “The Bob Newhart Show, he Tony
Randall Show,” "Paris" and “The White
Shadow." His portrayal of Detective

Washington earned him an Emmy nom-
ination.

Kiel Martin (Detective J. D. LaRue) starled
as an aclor and a singer following his Army
discharge in 1964. In 1967, Universal
signed him to a contract and placed him in
such shows as “Dragnet,” “The Virginian”
and “Tronside.” His later credits include the
movies “The Undefeated” and “Panic in
Needle Park” as well as such TV shows as
"Harry O," “Kung Fu" and “The Bold
Ones" and a stint on “The Edge of Night."

Steven Bochco (cocrealor und execulive pro-
ducer) began writing for lelevision between
his junior and senior years at Carnegie Tech,
from which he graduated in 1966. He readily
admits that his reputation us the worst actor.
ever lo айепа that school is well deserved.
After sharing his first TV writing credit with
Rod Serling, Bochco went on to become story
editor on “Name of the Game” and, later, on
“Columbo” and "McMillan and Wife.” His
numerous credits include “Delvecchio,”
lent Running” and “Paris.” With the aid of
several other “Hill Street” writers, Bochco
has come up with a new show about а small-
town minor-league baseball team, lenia
tively titled “Bay City Blues.” He has
received numerous Emmy nominations, а
Writers Guild Ашата and an Edgar Allan
Poe Award.

René Enriquez (Lieutenant Ray Calletano)

altended the American Academy of Dramatic
Arts in New York and was a member of the
original Lincoln Center Repertory Company,
for which he appeared in a number of
productions from Shakespeare to Tennessee
Williams. After holding down a Wall Street
job to support himself, he moved to California

Slory,” “Quincy,
Angels.”

Joe Spano (Lieutenant Henry Goldblume)
was originally headed for a career іп the
priesthood but decided that theater would be
just as interesting. He worked in various San
Francisco improv groups, including The
Committee, and appeared in small roles in
such films as “American Graffiti,” “The En-
forcer” and “Roadie” as well as on such TV
shows as “Paris,” produced by Bochco.

Barbara Bosson (Fay ҒитШо) worked
briefly as а Playboy Bunny in New York to
afford tuition to Carnegie Tech, alma mater
of several other “Hill Street” regulars, In
1967, she spent the summer performing with
the improv group The СоттШес in San
Francisco, where she met and subsequenily
married Bochco. Her feature-film credits in-
clude “Bullitt” and “Capricorn One" For
her performance ах Fwiillo’s feisty ех-ші)
she has received two Emmy nominations.

Michael Conrad (Sergeant Phil Esterhaus)
has won two Emmys for his performance as
the sexy, multisyllabic Esterhaus. Following
stints in the Army and, later, in City College
of New York, drama workshop of The New
School, Conrad appeared on Broadway in
“The Lark,” made his movie debut іт Rod
Serling’s "Requiem for a Heavyweight” and
went on to perform in such TV classics as
“Naked City,” “The Defenders,” “Rawhide
and "Wagon Train." Before “Hill Street," he
had starred in “Delvecchio” and “Paris.”

PLAYBOY: Most of you have been acting for
ten to 15 years. What does it fec] like to 1
come suddenly famous in a hit TV series?
SIKKING (Howard Hunter): I think success is
all it’s cracked up to be. My wife and I get
along very well now. My banker and I get
along very well, too.

HAID (Andy Renko): Oh, I don't know; Га
like to be able to go to a restaurant and be
able to have food dribble out of my mouth
or pick my nose or scratch myself.
CONRAD (Phil Esterhaus): My greatest joy
in a restaurant with these
looking guys—Ed Marinaro, Michael
Warren, Chuck Haid and Bruce Wei
when this mature lady came up and said
to me, “T just love you.”

PLAYBOY: A lot of your characters have be-
come sex symbols, but we're a little sur-
prised that Belker is in that category. No
offense, Bruce, but how do you feel about a
grubby character like Belker’s being a
turn-on for the ladies?

WEITZ (Mick Belker): Flattered, I guess, but
what the hell's wrong with the female
population? Somebody once told me that

Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined
That Cigarette Smoking |5 Dangerous to Your Health.

PLAYBOY

women would like to take Belker home and
give him a bath

PLAYBOY: Has anybody tried?

WEITZ: No, but Га welcome any invitations.
PLAYBOY: What about the women of the
group? How has the sudden fame been for
you?

THOMAS (Lucy Botes): Imagine trying to get
a date! When I meet new people, especial-
ly men, it's weird for them, because I have
a lot of power and it's tough for most men
to accept.

HAMEL (Joyce Davenport): Betty and 1 have
discussed this; we're in a whole other ball
park now. Being single, with all this fuss
and fanfare, I mostly тесі men who һауе
a preconceived idea of me belore I even sit
down to dinner with them. I've gul to meet
somcone who doesn't watch television! 1
want to meet people at face value and get
to talking: “Hello, this is Veronica Hamel,
not Joyce Davenport gets in
the way
BOSSON (Fay Furillo): I don’t get anywhere
near the attention you two get publicly
Veronica, especially, because of the bubble
baths and the sexuality of that role—
people don’t want to separate her from the
role of Joyce Davenport. Since my role is
that of Frank Furillo's former wife, people
do tend to disassociate me from the role—
to be nice.

PLAYBOY: Mike, you were on Donahue on a
panel of TV’s sexiest male stars. How was
that?

WARREN (Bobby Hill): It could have been
worse.

HAID: Look at him.
THOMAS: If we're
let's talk about "Iravanti; he's the prince.
TRAVANTI (Frank Furillo: I'm ambivalent
about it, as I've been about everything in
my life. I was a well-known unknown for
a long time, so this is certainly different.
Furillo is different from nearly every role
I've played in the past—a lot of dumb,
crazed guys. 1 was never the leading man.
PLAYBOY: Why not?

TRAVANTI: 1 was just a nose. There'd be an
audition, maybe for a commercial, and I
would be invisible. They'd just see a nose
float in and float out. Now, my God, I'm
asked to appear at six functions a week, I
could go out every night of the year. 105
like a sugar cube. You keep sucking on it
and it disappear:
WEITZ: You just can’t take it too serious!
You have to keep the thought in the back
of your mind that one day this is going to
end.

PLAYBOY: Then let's go to the beginning.
How did all of you happen to come to Hill
Street?

THOMAS: Ed Marinaro came in li
with short shorts on.

BOSSON: Not a lot of people know this, but
Ed got hired because / wanted him. I said,
"Come on, Steven, let me have а nice
Italian cute guy on the show.”

ше guy, isn’t he?
to talk about this,

Porsche

HAMEL: TI
pregnancy
MARINARO (Joe Coffey): Originally, I had a
guest-starring role and my character was
supposed to get shot and killed in the last
episode of the season. But they changed
the ending to sort of leave things hanging.
They had only two street cops at the
time—Hill and Renko. The show was
called Hill Streel Blues, but there were only
two Blues. So I didn't die. They kept me in
10 validate the Lucy Bates character
THOMAS: To get her out on the street.
[Turns to Marinaro] Are all your answers
going to be this long? Be 1 could take
breaks. I could go have dinner in between.
MARINARO: And because I was taller than
she was.

PLAYBOY: How about you, Кісі? How did
you come to Hill Street?

MARTIN (J. D. LoRue): I was in Florida on
one of my many honevmoons. Га worked
with Steven Bochco and Michael Kozoll
[the series’ cocreators] over the years.
‘They'd tell me every year or so, ^H.
© going to have something for you
soon.” Well, in this business, you hear that
a lot; that’s so much tissue, But they meant
it and called me, and it really amazed me.
PLAYBOY: Why?

MARTIN: It was the first time in my carcer I
played a part where І wasn't some terrible
creep. Vd killed every goddamned thing in
America, including nuns and babies. I did
soap for a year and a half, and I axed five
people because their contracts were ир.
Producers would say, “We need somebody
to pose as a homosexual to
monastery— get Кісі Martin:
PLAYBOY: Steven, you'd worked with a lot
of the Hill Street cast in Paris and Delvec-
clio; did you write specifically for other
actors besides Kiel?

BOCHCO (cocreator, producer): We wrote spe-
cifically for Michael Conrad, Bruce Weitz,
James Sikking and Barbara Bosson.
PLAYBOY: Since you and Barbara are mar-
ried, you must have known you'd encoun-
ter static by casting her in the show.
BOCHCO: Well, 1 knew I'd be buving my-
self tons of tsvoris trying to put my wife into
а running role in this series. I knew the ini-
tial reaction would be, “Оһ, Bochco's
trying to buy some peace at home—or to
gel a piece at home.”
BOSSON: To get laid, right? Atany price.
BOCHCO: When you're ng a pilot,
you're in open warfare with networks that
want to impose their tastes on what you
do. You're screaming, you're fighting,
you're playing poker with them, I fought
with NBC casting over virtually every-
body. They didn’t want this one, they
didn't want that one. . .. Anyway, there’s a
lot of poker and bluffing. So I figured, If I
go to NBC with my hat in my hand asking
for approval for Barbara Bosson to play a
running role, I've given them a poker chip.
But to hire this actress for one day's work
in the pilot took the pressure off. I didn’t

С the real story behind Fay's

have to deal with NBC, because NBC has
no approval over guest appearances
BOSSON: So when Fred Silverman saw the
pilot, he said, “And that wife, Fay, who-
ever she is, I hope we're going to sce more
of her. She's terrific.” So Steven said.
BOCHCO: So I said, "Well. I think I can
deliver this actress.”
BOSSON: And I was signed to a series deal.
PLAYBOY: Did any of you audition for parts
other than the ones you now play?
SPANO (Henry Goldblume): I originally read
for the part of Renko. And about a month
later, they offered me the Goldblume role.
PLAYBOY: You don’t seem the Renko type
SPANO: | wasn't the Goldblume type
ither. Fm Goldblume now, but he could
have been anything. The way he was de-
bed in the pilot, he couldn't defuse а
roll of kosher toilet paper. That was not
my style. But I was always disappointed
that I didn't end up playing Renko.
PLAYBOY: Was Goldblume's bow tie your
idea?
SPANO: That was Kozoll’s idea. And I
fought it all the way.
PLAYBOY: Why?
SPANO: I thought it was a stereotypical
thing to do. But it actually turned out to be
right. You don’t play into the bow tie—
you fight against it. I notice people now
who wear bow ties.
PLAYBOY: We noticed that you always wear
a toothpick, Taurean. Did that come with
the role of Washington?
BLACQUE (Neal Washington): Uh-uh. I
stopped smoking 12 years ago and
started toothpicks. Then a New York crit-
ic described me as the kind of actor who
could probably drink a can of beer with a
toothpick in his mouth, so I kept it.
PLAYBOY: Arc there other things that you
share with your character?
BLACQUE: There's a lot there between the
two of us. He wears my clothes. I get to
incorporate a lot of me into Neal Washing-
ton. He's vulnerable and street-wise.
Are you street-wise?
m I street-wise? Am I street-
wise! Born in Newark, raised in New York,
lived in Harlem and you ask me if I'm
street-wise? Im not political now, but
when I first came out here, ] wore my hair
in braids—wore beads, carrings, terrified
everyone. Yeah, I'm street-wise.
Is your name political?
o. My heritage is black—
spelled Q-U-E—and I'm a Taurus. I de-
cided I needed a name change I could
relate to. It looks good on а marquee and
never fails to get attention in casting
ollices.
ENRIQUEZ (Ray Calletano): As far as using
our own lives in the series, Steven is very
clever that way: What he secs in cach of us
often ends up being written into our roles.
PLAYBOY: What's an example in your case?
ENRIQUEZ: At the beginning of the past sea-
son, I went to speak at a country club here

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The way we figure it, clothes you have to wear make up about half
of your wardrobe.
y It's suits, and sports jackets, and shirts, and ties, and certain styles

of shoes.

"These are all clothes that, because of business requirements or social
functions, you have to wear. Whether you feel like it or not.

But it's the other half of your wardrobe that we're interested in.
It's the clothes that you can't wait to get into when you can't wait to get out of
the clothes you have to wear.

It's your jeans that go back to a time when jeans were called dungarecs.

After all these ycars, they still look and fit better than anything else you own.

It's flannel shirts, and corduroy slacks, and chinos, and crew necks, and leather
jackets that have one thing in common: They've stood the test of time.

It's into this category that we place Timberland" handsewns. Which, you'll
find, also get better over time.

The leathers, like any fine leathers, acquire a patina, making them softer and
even more supple. Then there’s Timberland’s handsewn moccasin construction, rare
in this world of cookie-cutter production. This construction allows the shoes to
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PLAYBOY

in Los Angeles and there was not onc sin-
gle Hispanic there. I began the speech by
ing, “Why? This city is 56 percent
Mexican-American. Don't they excel in
anything? Can't they be members of this
club? The only Hispanics I see here are
aiters and busboys." And that incident
became my speech on Hill Street in which 1
said, “Why huevos rancheros іп my honor?
Why do you assume we all must like Mex-
ican food?” That’s how brilliant Steven is.
MARTIN: The writers are very perceptive
reporters. They'll take things from what
they sec in you. but they're able to sec
beyond the bullshit. It’s the most well-
intentioned exploitation imaginable
PLAYBOY: How about you, Jim? How simi-
lar are you to Howard Hunter?

SIKKING: ГЇЇ tell you: I wrote the character
of Howard. I directed the first Howard
segment. Í created the costumes, even
sewed them. . . .

I also created the lighting; I'm
part inventor of the Panaflex camera; I in-

vented the Smith & Wesson. In fact,
almost everything I do on the show, I do in
real life.

PLAYBOY: That's very impressive.
SIKKINI s much as I decry this policy,
Hill Street Blues is not The Howard Hunter
Show, We're trying to change that.

WEITZ: Some of us are nol trying to.
PLAYBOY: But, seriously. . . .

SIKKING: Seriously, Hunter is a long way
from me. I rarely wear my flak jacket, my
-357 Magnum or my combat boots when
Em not in front of a camera. The noise
from a gun like that would scare the hell
out of me. Гуе been married to the same
woman for more than 20 years, I have two
extraordinary cl
warm friends—all those things Howard
Hunter would like to have but can’t.
PLAYBOY: How about you, Dan? How close
are you to Furillo?

ТКАУАМТІ: Sometimes I’m like him: he's
sort of my alter ego, my friend Frank from
New York. I say New York because Frank
is a New Yorkophile and loves all New
York things, including that madness—
which I have in me and which Frank and E
were talking about—that madness that
many people have in their younger years,
which threatened to kill me. | have that in.
me and this fellow Furillo is kind of the
other side. Overall, though, I’m not Furil-
lo—F'm more voluble, I gesticulate more,
talk faster. .

PLAYBOY: Michael, how close are you to
Phil Esterhaus?

CONRAD: I love language. Michael Conrad
aks English pretty well but not nearly
well as Phil Esterhaus. Although Гуе
mellowed in my old age, Phil Esterhaus is
er guy. There's a decency about
him. But I like to think I'm a little more
sophisticated with women than he is.
PLAYBOY: You must be referring to Phil's
fling with Grace. . ..

CONRAD: It was great sport. And it's fun-

Шагеп, a full network оГ

ny: One reviewer said there was more sex
in Grace and. Phil than there is in all оГ
Dynasty. There was one moment last sea-
son when Grace says, "Phil, l'm going to
do something to you I've never done be-
fore" And I say, "T think we've done just
about everything, don't you?" She says no
and comes up to me and whispers into
mw ear. And ] take her hand
“Ohhh. . . . Oh, my God. . . .” Th

the boiler room.”

PLAYBOY: What did you two do in there?
CONRAD: Well, there was a joke around the
show where people were trying to guess
what she whispered to me.
PLAYBOY: Since vou don't
what's your theory?
CONRAD: I came onto the set the next
i, after we'd shot it, and I said, “I
know what Grace said to Phil. She whis-
pered іп my саг, “Phil, you've been
wheedling and pleading and begging, and
Tm finally going to give it to you. Im
going to give you . . . a little head.”
PLAYBOY: That's it?

CONRAD: What else could they possibly
have done? How much time could they
have had in the boiler room? He was
dressed. She was dressed. It had to be
something silly like that, But it’s not really
silly, because everybody has something
they don't do. So I just thought— wouldn't
it be funny if these two oversexed people
wouldn't do that?

TRAVANTI: On that subject, do you know
where the name Pizza Man came from?
PLAYBOY: Tell us.

HAMEL: It’s a local pizza chain. Their slo-
gan is “Pizza Man—he delivers.”
PLAYBOY: Barbara, how similar to your
character do you think you
BOSSON: Im like Fay in some of the
humorous ways. I will sometimes get so
outraged at something that Ull talk too
loud in public. | have a lot of stories in
which I always end up becoming victim-
ized. It was something I grew out of, but
those stories amused Steve so much that
he's used them a lot in writing Fay. Fay is
an endless victim.

PLAYBOY: Where
tive disturbances?

HAID: From Steven.
BOCHCO: Ive got internals
watch.

HAID: Steven likes to work out the angst of
his digestive problems through characters
on the show. He’s chosen me, since he
knows it bugs the hell out of me.
ENRIQUEZ: That's like an episode we had
last season called “Little Boil Blue.” That
was Steven’s boil.
BOCHCO: Yeah. I gota boil on my ass when
I went to London last year. It was the most
painful thing 1 ever had, and І decided.
Goddamn it, somebody's going to have to
pay for this. 1 thought Га give it to Furill
then I thought, No, he's too stoic. Неа
just with it. So.
WARREN: So lucky old Bobby Hill got i

because he’s so straight and righteous. You

know, either,

morn

eS

Renko get his diges-

ike a Swiss

couldn't give it to Renko, because you'd
expect Renko to have boils. Plus herpes or
something.

BOCHCO: What power! Can you im
having the power to give a boil to anybody
in this cast?
PLAYBOY: [s the

erse true? Do you ever

lind yourselves taking on the character in
real Ше?
TRAVANTI: Sure we do. Charlie comes on

like Renko sometime:
Davenport. She's a little g in a lot of
ways, and sometimes ture, solid,
determined woman—as herself and as
Davenport. I tend to be benign. 1 have a
temper, but it just sort of flashes and flares
and the veins stick out of my neck.
PLAYBOY: Veronica, do you ever find that
Joyce goes home with you?

: No, Joyce goes home with me.
HAMEL: Not really; I can leave it on the set.
PLAYBOY: Аз long as you opened that door,
Dan, there's plenty of speculation that off-
camera, the two of you
HAMEL: That’s so ridiculous! If people want
to do that, God bless them. If people
would just give us credit for our work with-
out doing a whole romance thing. It’s be-
come a bit of a bore.

PLAYBOY: All right. How about the chemis-
try between Hill and Renko? Did you guys
just click or was it written for you?
WARREN: We cach had reservations about
working with the other person. Charlie
had a reputation of being someone who
was going to come in and take over. Неа
been a producer, a director and an actor
before Hill Street. He's even a part owner
of the musical Godspell. Га heard all these
things about this monster who was going
to walk in and try to tell me how to play
my role.

PLAYBOY: And what were your reserva
tions, Charlie?

HAID: Well, I knew Michael had been a
jock. I thought, Athlete—what the hell
does he know about acting? Then [ real-
ized that athletes are acting, too. They're
acting against their opponents and they're
as much showbiz people as anybody.
WARREN: That's something that’s alway:
befuddled me, that I'm still considered an
“athlete turned actor.’ Thats such a silly
term. Î never even went into pro sports.
HAID: There’s a pursuit of excellence in
sports, just as there is in acting. "There's an
aggressive quality that ma
come an all-American basketball player.
WARREN: What is he saying? Не sounds
like Howard Cosell.

KAID: Anyway, I think Michael and I
at each other the first time and
ing to be paired with this рег-
person had better be able to hold.
You really have to trust. And I
recognized that in him and I recognize it
in almost everyone in this cast. Cosmic
cops. The first season, we actually used to
sit around like a bunch of boy scouts and
nd say, "Oh, my God,

Veronica goes into

kes a person be

watch one anothes

this guy
fun.
BOSSON: The beginning of this show really
was a fairy tale. We were 14 basically un-
nown actors who'd been in the business a
long time. We knew we were cast in some-
thing very diflerent, but none of us even
knew whether or not the show would ever
get on. And then, when it exploded and we
won the Emmys and it became popular.
that thing happened where stars began to
he born and the ensemble feeling became
harder and harder to main
PLAYBOY: But at the outset, Hill Street's rat-
ings were abysmally low. Why did NBG
stick with you?

rst of all, NBC г
have anything of any сопу
to replace us with. They had nothing.
Second, Fred Silverman really loved this
show. It really tickled him. These bc-
Ieaguered NBC executives, including
Fred, would go into their offices every
week and sitting on their desks would be
hundreds of press clippings about how
wonderful Hill Street was and how it was
unlike the shit NBC was putting on the
airwaves. І think Fred would rather have
quit smoking than cancel us. He simply
couldn’t—the pressure would have been
devastating.

PLAYBOY: Did any of you suspect that Hill
Street was going to be such a hit?
ENRIQUEZ: I thought the show was sen:
опа! from the very beginning.
PLAYBOY: Was that the prevailing attitude?
THOMAS: No. | certainly never thought it
would be as popular as it is. 1 can't im-
ever thinking that.

BLACQUE: I knew it was going to be suc-
cessful just from reading the pilot. But not
this big.

SPANO: I didn’t know it was going to be
good fiom the script, because I didn't
quite understand it. I read it and [ said,
“Boy, it’s going to be hard to do this stuff
without sounding funny.” I didn’t realize
at the бте that it was supposed to be fi
ny, that it would end up commenting on
itself, that the humor would deepen the
serious impact.

PLAYBOY: You usually preview a show for
an audience to get its reaction before

s good!” And that was half the

broadcasting it. What was the reaction of

the first audience to Hill Street?

BOCHCO: Boy, were they pissed off! They
didn’t have a clue as to what the hell it
was, Ninety-two characters racing in and
out, some guy who bites felons. They
didn’t know whether they were supposed
to laugh or what.

PLAYBOY: Speaking of biting felons, have
you ever actually bitten anyone, Bruce?
WEITZ: Yeah, I've bitten. We don't have to
talk about the extent of the bite or whether
it was done in hostility or great gentleness.
SIKKING: And you don’t have to talk about
where you've bitten. For the record,
wouldn't you like to change it from a bite
to a nibble?

WEITZ: Yes, I would. For the record.

PLAYBOY: Glad we cleared that up. Do you
share any other qualities with Belker?
WEITZ: I don’t know if I'd ever put a sar-
dine in a milk shake, but I like sardinc-
and-Bermuda-onion sandwiches. I've also
been known to cat a pig's foot or a chick-
75 vor. Гуе had a lot of Belker's rage and
hostility, so i for me to identify with.
him. We're the same height. Unfortunate-
ly. I like to think I have as much compas-
sion for people as he has.
PLAYBOY: Are we ever goin;
ker's mother?

BOCHCO: No.

PLAYBOY: Why not?

WEITZ: Because it's infinitely more interest-
ing if the audience creates Belker’s mother.
PLAYBOY: What about the odd clothes Всі-
ker wears? Who's responsible for them?
WEITZ: The hat and the sawed-oll gloves
were my idea. But 98 percent of the char-
acter is the writers’ creation. The other
two percent I collect

HAMEL: People always ask me what Bruce
Weitz is like and they're surprised when 1
y he's a coat-and-tic man. You have to
be a wonderful actor to push yourself that
far into a role that’s so obviously opposite
to your own personality and temperament.
PLAYBOY: Hill Street has the reputation of
being an actors’ showcase— lt featured
regulars and an unusual number of guest
parts. Have celebrities approached you to
do cameos?

BOCHCO: A lot of entertainers, as well as
actors, have let us know that they'd love to
be on the show
BOSSON: Sammy Davis J
thing—

BOCHCO: Sammy would give his right eye
to be on the show.

BOSSON: Truc. Steven put a reference to
him in one of the shows. Hunter is with
Linda Wolfowitz and she says, "Fm Jew-
ish, and you'd have to convert if we were to.
marry." And Hunter says, “You mean like
that colored entertainer?” When Steven
ran into Sammy, he told him about it, aud
there м a moment when ме both
thought he wasn't going to think it v
funny. But he loved tt and started jumping
up and down.
PLAYBOY: Let's talk a
searched your roles.
MARTIN: I got arrested a whole lot.

эпе with a mure academic

to mect Bel.

sa

would give апу-

about how you re-

approach?

SPANO: I read all of Wambau
WEIZ: I went on a few police night sl
SIKKING: You need only a couple of nights
in Hollywood to get the entire experience.
WEITZ: I live in West Hollywood, and 1 al-
ways thought it was a relatively safe neigh-
borhood—until I went out on patrol one
night with two uniforms in that arca
Scared the shit out of me. It got so 1 was
alraid to цо out at night.

PLAYBOY: René, did you r rch police
work for the character of Calletano?
ENRIQUEZ: No, I refused to, because the
show is not about police work per se. The
show is about human beings. A policeman

or a policewoman is just like
have the same emotions.
BLACQUE: I agree, You just have to bring it
from a human, qut-level, feel nd put
yourself in the position of being a cop. Be-
cause it's actually happened to me at par-
ties—I'd walk into а party and if people
joking a joint or something, they'd
stop and sa
PLAYBOY: How has doing Hill Street
affected your thinking about police?
BOCHCO: | perceive policemen as having
an absolutely no-win job in this society
And I think they arc not accorded either
the respect or the understanding that
they richly deserve. Like some of the other
writers and actors on the show, I come out
ofa Sixties generation that saw the police
as the enemy. [ find myself no longer
па about cops generically; I find my-
king about them
the moment you make that turn, it be-
comes very dificult to make sweeping
judgments about “the police.’ And the
truth is, if three guys in ski masks broke
into your home, stole your wallet and/or
raped your wife, what's the first phone call
youd make? And when they walked
through the door, the sight of that uniform
would go a long way toward assuaging
your rage and fear.
WARREN: I rode around with a number of
етеп, and what I found was a greater
ht into how policemen are perceived
by the general public. A in point:
went along to observe how they handled a
drug-related homicide. It was around two
o'clock in the morning, and the commu-
ity came out in droves and a few people
started throwing rocks and bottles. Be-
cause to them, cops were the enemy. I
know there are an awful lot of bad cops,
but now I give them the benefit of the
doubt, because 1 know how difficult the
job is. And it's impossible to do it righi
HAID: 115 akin to a street sweeper's clean-
ing the street to a spanking-new mirror
shine and then having a herd of bison and
elephants come through and crap all over
the sidewalks overnight. And you walk out
there the next morning and it’s knee-deep
again. Well, that's what cops feel like.
WARREN: When you go out on the street as
a cop, there's nothing to prepare you for a
guy’s coming around the corner, blasting
the face with a gun. The only thing
that could prepare you would be if the
public respected what you did more. The
only way is by respecting the cops, respect-
ing their intelligence.
MARINARO: And that’s why cops really
appreciate what we do: We represent them
as they really are.
PLAYBOY: Do you represent lawyers as they
really are, Veronica?
HAMEL: I don't have a lawyer. Never had
one. Since I haven't had any in my person-
al life, I don’t feel responsible to lawyers—
only to the character.
PLAYBOY: But what about the way
(continued on page 78)

you i

71

EUS HIMSELF would call for а
time out.
Zeus: Lord of the Sky, Hurler
of Thunderbolts, consensus All-
Mythology (back in the days when there
were some great ones—your Poseidon,
your Apollo, your Hephaestus); gold
medalist in the first Olympics (he out-
pointed Cronus for possession of the earth
back before ABC had broadcast rights); a
great competitor and a highly marketable
commodity in his own right. . . .

What the hell would Zeus make of Los
Angeles in 1984?

Very little without a brochure. He
would have to reorient himself to the up-
dated iconography. The very year belongs
not to Janus (the god of good beginnings)
but to Orwell (the god of bad ends); the
city, not to Athena but to some weird con-
sortium of Evelyn Waugh, Walt Disney
and the William Morris Agency.

And the games . .. well, the games of the
XXlIiIrd Olympiad are symbolized not so
much by an eternal flame nor by the inter-
locking circles of brotherhood as by a
seven-foot-tall fiberglass
animated Disney eagle

named Sam.
God!
These games clearly

would beggar the imagina-
tion cf Zeus, that god who
never contemplated his
own image on vidco-tape
replay nor got to proclaim
his greatness to Howard
Cosell. These will be the
Ultimate Games of Televi-
sion, a force that will hurl
the electronic images of
the gladiators before the eyes of two and а
half billion mortals on every inhabited sur-
face of the planet. (The other two billion,
presumably, prefer old movies or reruns of
I Love Lucy.)

Zeus would be stumbling upon a specta-
cle that could well be the last of its kind. It
is almost universally agreed that there will
never again be an exclusive network sport-
ing event on the scale of the Los Angeles
games. Already, some experts predict that
the winning bid for rights to the 1988
games in Korea will approach one billion
dollars. This begins to get into real money.
No single network can absorb that kind of
cost, expecting to offset it with advertising
revenues. What may happen, many people
believe, is that after 1984, a network will
share its telecast rights—and its ex-
penses—with a pay-cable distributor such
as Home Box Office, somewhat on the
model of the new United States Football
League telecasts, shared by ABC and the
cable system ESPN. [See box on page 177)

So it is that the L.A. telecast will mark
the last video spectacle of its kind—an Ulti-
mate Network Games. Being the Ultimate

Games, the XXIIIrd Olympiad will
proceed on a scale that is oblivious of mor-
tal men. Making his way along the
infinities of arterial highways that connect
the games’ labyrinth of venues—his
heroic bare torso and his simple tunic not
drawing so much as a second glance from
the local citizenry—Zeus might weep for
the glory that was not Greece.

One hundred forty miles separate the
northernmost perimeter of L.A. Olympic
competition (Lake Casitas near Santa Bar-
bara, site of the rowing) from the south-
ernmost (the pentathlon venue in Coto de
Caza, south of Long Beach). That is
almost six times the distance that Pheidip-
pides ran between Marathon and Athens
to bring news of the Athenian victory over
the Persians—after which he dropped
dead. From the weight lifting (at Loyola
Marymount University) to the handball
(in Pomona), a god would have to schlep
35 miles. Which would render him some
28 miles from the cycling, back at Califor-
nia State University in Dominguez Hills.

THE LAST

GREAT NETWORK

OLYMPICS

next summer in los angeles, television
and sports will come together in a way they never
have before—or ever will again

article By RON POWERS

In fact, adding up the distances along
the perimeter of the various venues at Los
Angeles—from soccer at the Rose Bowl to
equestrian events at Santa Anita Race
Track to handball at California State Uni-
versity—Fullerton to fencing and volleyball
and yachting in Long Beach to the Olym-
pic Village on the campuses of UCLA and
USC—one arrives at an unsettling rcaliza-
tion: These Olympics will encompass
more than 1000 square miles.

But mere mileage, of course, is hardly
the point of the 1984 games. Mileage is of
moment to only the 2500 ABC employees
and the 10,000 competitors (a number
equal to General Pickett’s force at Gettys-
burg before the charge) and the few hun-
dred thousand spectators who will actually
be there. The real venue of the Los Angeles
Olympics is no earthly setting. It is the
eternal television screen. And on the
screen, there is no distance, no separation,
no sense of transit—only phenomena, un-
remitting and immediate.

Thus, the most Olympian competition
at the 1984 Summer Olympics will not
be between any two star athletes, nor

even between any two rival nations. It
will be between two abstractions—televi-
sion and distance. And if ABC performs its
intricate switchings and remote pickups to
utter perfection—if the dense electronic
web of microwave circuits holds and the
aural interlacing of intercom voices pre-
vails without dissolving into chaos, and if
the directors can maintain their air traffic
controller’s concentration over endless
hours without collapse; if nothing breaks—
then the highest goal of this “real” com-
petition will be realized: It will remain
invisible to the audience.

There are no guarantees that the system.
will, in fact, hold. On the contrary, Los
Angeles’ very infrastructure seems to
throw itself against success. ABC broad-
casting to the nation—that is no problem.
ABC broadcasting to itself—that will
be something else. Since great swatches
of distance will separate the dozens оГ
network production crews, a fail-safe inter-
nal-communications system will be indis-
pensable. But Los Angeles is nothing if not
а communications hive.
The over-air frequencies
are saturated with users,
and the area’s hills and
canyons defy long-range,
line-of-sight transmission
in any event.

A solution appeared to
present itselfin the form оГ
Pacific Telephone & Tele-
graph. By one of those
coincidences that normally
materialize only in Holly-
wood spy-caper films, the
phone company just hap-
pened to be in the process of installing a
fiber-optics network linking most of the
sites designated as Olympic venues. Fibcr
optics are thin ribbons of pure glass—
just hundredths of an inch in diameter—
capable of transmitting data in the form of
light. Even aural information can be en-
coded at one end, transformed into light
and decoded at the other. Pacific Tele-
phone & Telegraph invited ABC to tap
into its new fiber-optics network—all 300
miles ofit—at what P.T. & Т. considered a
nominal cost: just $15,000,000 above
ABC's projected budget for internal com-
munications.

The Los Angeles games will, in sum, be
a marriage of a scope that the gods of
Olympus never foresaw: the most protean
pageant in the history of sports wedded to
the most leviathan deployment of circuit-
ry, audio and video hardware, rolling (and
airborne) stock, plus engineering, produc-
tion, on-air and managerial manpower for
any self-contained event short of a shoot-
ing war in the history of mankind's first
century of broadcasting. Zeus, Hurler of
Thunder and Lightning, who had struck
down 100-headed Typhon with the Bolt
That Never Sleeps (a feat that might or

might not have qualified him for the javc-
lin throw, Venue Two, Los Angeles
Memorial Coliseum), would запа
abashed, fidgeting anxiously with his tunic
hem, before the owned-and-leased ranks of
ABC inventory:

* TV cameras numbering 207—or 157
more than will be needed to telecast the
Winter Olympics at Sarajevo;

* Video-tape machines numbering 140,
with 83 in the field and 57 at the broadcast
center;

* Character generators (those keyboard
devices for flashing names, statistics and
bulle formation оп the screen)
numbering 31, including some with capa-
bilities so revolutionary that ABC clas-
sified them as top secret before they were
unveiled:

* Mobile units (mostly studio-equipped.
vans but also some helicopters and a blimp
or two) numbering at least 25, with a col-
lective retail value of $100,000,000 and
comprising nearly every major mobile unit
in the United States;

* Five “flash units,” a sort of rapid-
deployment forcc— mobile vans and heli-
copters capable of telecasting live or on
tape from point of origin by means of mi-
crowave relay—plus additional units from
ABC News, that will be kept on 24-
hour alert, ready to rush to a location that
both ABC and Olympic officials pray will
never materialize: the site of a breaking
news event, which (given the pattern of
past Olympics’ breaking news) would like-
ly mean a defection, a gesture of class or
nationalistic protest or an act of terrorism;

+ An electronically powered vehicle (still
on the drawing board late as 1983)
capable of propelling itself along а thor-
oughfare for as long as two and a half
hours, supporting heavy cameras, mikes
and power supplics for telecasting a
marathon race, without discharging gaso-
с fumes into the runners” faces;

* And, perhaps most prodigious of all, a
self-contained complex of studio control
rooms, complete with camera-switching
consoles, monitor screens, microphones
and telephones for communicating with
producers in the field and also containing
the principal studio set for the Olympics’
ABC host, Jim McKay—a complex
known to AB! iders as the Little Olym-
pic Village—that was constructed in Los
Angeles, taken apart and shipped to New
York, where it was reassembled for testing,
then torn down again for shipping to
Sarajevo for use in covering the winter
games, after which it will be disassembled
again and shipped back to Los Angeles for
summer 1984. And Olympus didn't even
have a lousy press bo

Finally, if Zeus were lucky and did not
mind waiting a few acons for his phone
calls to be returned, he might come face to
face with a real god.
nely, the Great God Roone.

Half human, half television executive;

powerful in battle; Creator of the Concept
of the Isolated Camera and Keeper of
Monday Night Football, ruler of the terri-
ble triple-headed Gifford/Meredith/Cosell
(before whose mighty yawps all lesser
sportscasters are as stone); his fingers and
wrists and neck bejeweled with gold—he
who was weaned in ABC Sports and, һау-
ing struck down the powerful gods of CBS
and NBC Sports, ascended into АВС
News, whence he would return, fulfilling
prophecy, to lead his legions in this cul-
mination of video history—this most titan-
ic and final of all great sporting odysseys
on the network-telcvision airwaves.

What chance would a mere Zeus have
against a god such as this?

.

These Ultimate Television Olympics
may prove to be more than the sum of
their microclectric and competitive parts.
They may stand as an archive, a 16-day
summing up of a certain moment in Amer-
ican time. And they may mark, as well, the
denouement оГа 40-year romance between
American television and American sports.

(RCA-owned cameras actually transmit-
ted two baseball games as far back as 1939,
but World War Two deferred the real be-
ginning of the television age until 1944.)

On the eve of the 1984 Olympics, Amer-
ica is a nation seemingly stupefted by
sports. Consider а random survey of the
figures: a two-billion-dollar contract be-
tween the three major networks and the
National Football League (with the result-
ing advent of the $345,000 NFL. com-
mercial nute); network TV-radio
revenues of $2,000,000 for cach of the
26 (!) major-league bascball clubs, plus а
total of $65,000,000 in various local broad-
casting rights; a six-year contract worth
$1,722,000 signed by a head coach—Jackie
Sherrill at Texas A & M University—to
help ensure the school’s chance at pre-
mium TV revenues for football telecasts; a
combined 5260,000,000 football-rights
package signed by CBS, ABC and the
National Collegiate Athletic Associaticr
an average salary for professional basket-
ball players of $246,000; product-
endorsement fees totaling $3,000,000 a
усаг for tennis superstar Bjorn Borg. . . .
One could go on.

By the early Eighties, ABC Sports’ to-

tal billings had climbed to nearly
5350,000,000 a year, NBC Sports’ was at
around $300,000,000 and CBS Sports’ was
at $250,000,000. Behind each of those
budgets stand capital assets that would
rank their network's sports division alone
among the country's 600 leading corpora-
tions. In terms of monetary power, those
three sports divisions now rival the dozens
of leagues and franchises they cover.

Chronologically, this moment spans the
decades between the end of industrial
America—a demise triggered by the con-
sequences of World War Two—and the
onset of the Data Age, an era that already
has begun to separate a technological elite
from the rest of society, with consequences
for the individual identity that are as yet
unknown. Spiritually, the moment spans
an epoch of intense, agnostic, nuclear-
addled confusion. The novelist Walker
Percy has identified it in terms of what it
lacks: religious faith, community, fidelity,
chivalry, an intolerance for the culture's
decadence, a will for redemption.

Percy is a Southerner, as may be appar-
ent, and his abiding theme is that society
presently languishes in a kind of moral
hiatus between the bankrupt end of an old
cultural order and the beginning of some
ionary new one. This picture of a
lly sterile postwar American land-
scape is not particularly original in itself.
But it superimposes quite neatly upon a
corresponding development since the end
of World War Two—an explosion in the
popular culture's yearning preoccupation
with sports.

The evidence hardly needs recounting:
the cultural and political deification of
athletes; the tortuous and almost prayerful
pressure upon the hundreds of college
teams to “be number one”; the compulsive
rise in offertory sports gambling; the se
religious significance bestowed upon the
Super Bowl; the frenetic construction of
mosquelike domed stadiums from New
Orleans to Scattle; and, perhaps most tell-
g of all, a citizenry that seems bent on in-
ternalizing the sporting gods’ grandeur by
living out a liturgical style. Americans
dress themselves іп numeraled team
jerseys and team hats; they speak to one
another in neo-Gregorian athletic jargon;
they elect former players and professed
worshipers of players to high political
ollice. They often seem to see America's
place in geopolitics through a prism of
athletic revelation. And they emulate the
manners and the physical style of the
famous athlete gods—gliding апа juking
on the worst ghetto basketball courts,
swearing and screaming on the best sub-
urban tennis courts. Even their children
must conform to the elect: Eight-year-old
sons аге conscripted into “pro-style” foot-
ball leagues with play-offs in Honolulu;
their sisters enter training under the icon
of Peggy Fleming or Tracy Austin.

АП this evidence of a secular sports

73

religion. a filling up of spiritual gaps.
is familiar. What is not so familiar—
nor so well understood—is televisions
role in the postwar ascendancy of
sports.

Most people, when they think about
the relationship of TV to sports,
assume (as an article of faith) that Im-
perial Television moved aggressively
to absorb and *'colonize" sports, as tele-
vision is seen to have colonized nearly
everything else in its path.

The truth is more complex than that.
A carcful examination of the history of
TV and sports since World War Two
shows that sports. as often as not. colo-
nized television—that they forced their
way into the mainstream of TV pro-
graming only after decades of indiffer-
ence and active hostility on the parts of
the highest network executives.

Further, t extended differ-
ence— followed an cra of inept and
wholesale exploitation of sports’ basest
marketing appeal—changed апа
cheapened a source of video content
that many serious critics now regard
as the content most naturally suited to
television's peculiar capacities.

In other words. televised sports

achieved their gigantic rapport with
the public largely in spite of television.
" resounding exception
1 pattern, however: the
n network. particularly
in the several years before and after
Roone Arledge assumed control of
ABC Sports.

Because of its historic сотре!
disadvantage in relation to its older,
more established rivals, ABC was vir-
tually forced into a series of long-shot
gambles in sports programing, gambles
that CBS and NBC disdained. Arledge
inherited the early, paradoxical suc-
cess of those gambles, and he also in-
herited а freewheeling, almost piratical
approach to programing that came to
define ABC's corporate style.

But Arledge did far more than in-
herit. A man prodigiously equipped to
exploit his particular moment in time,
he created a new legitimacy for games
on television. Before he stepped into
the picture 1960 аз a smart. unter-
rificd 29-year-old, sports were some-
thing the networks covered virtually
with fingers held to their corporate
noses. Sports мегепі-меШ, they
weren't Jack Benny. They weren't Ed-
ward R. Murrow. They weren't all the
things that had made radio so fashion-
able. Clearly. they held little promise
as main-line TV fare.

It took a succession of visionary but
anonymous advertising men to force-
feed the first generation of prepack-
aged sports telecasts to the network
airwaves. (Anybody ever heard of A.

ve

75

PLAYBOY

76

Smith of Gillette? All right, anybody
ever heard of Sharpic the Parrot? The Gi
lette Cavalcade of Sports?)

Arledge was the first network regular to
appreciate the power inherent in TV
sports, and he created a wholly original
idiom that brilliantly released that power.
His underdog network, ABC, gambled on
his vision and won; ABC rode TV sports
to parity with its richer, complacent rivals
over a dramatic 16-year haul that di
maxed іп 1976. In that year, buoyed partly
by its triumphant telecasts of the Montreal
Olympics, ABG leaped from last place to
first among the big three for the first time
in its history.

Arledge's coup was astonishing. More
astonishing still was the fact that CBS and
NBC were nearly 15 years in taking the
hint. (Sure, CBS was the ancient network
of the N.F.L. and NBC had its blue-chip
bowl games and the world series. But they
covered those events mainly as though
aking news stories; in fact,
sporis at those networks were a generally
despised appendage of the news divisions.)
Not until the early Seventies did the olde
networks begin to copy ABC Sports’ for-
mula in earnest. By then, a new surge
of post-Watergate, post-Victnam public
appetite for pleasure and self-fulfillment
had catapulted games—and_athletes—

nto the forefront of the pop culture. Billi
Jean King and Bobby Riggs. Evel Knievel.
Muhammad Ali,
Namath, John Me

agar Ray Leonard, Joe

inroe, Jim Palmer—all

those stars, and others, became part of.

America’s video household, as famous as
prime-time sitcom characters or anchor
men. Sports salaries exploded, domed sta-
diums sprouted like metallic mushrooms
upon the landscape and telecast rights
soared in value, like oil-rich emirates in
the Middle East.

Arledge’s idiom had intersected with
history. Not only had he created a complex
and far-reaching apparatus for covering
games; more signilicantly still, he had de-

i mental theory
of television itself—a theory that took into
account the ancient. principles of drama-
turgy as well as the most. contemporary
sensibilities of a video audience.

Its hallmarks were a high respect for the
power of story upon the human imagina-
tion; a probing vi тасу with the
subject matter; a relentless, even obsessive
preoccupation with the smallest detail:

nd—most quixotic and mystical of all—
an abiding sense of ABC itself as ап un-
seen but always involved character іп
whatever event it was transmitting. That
event might be a sporting match, or it
might be (as Arledge’s idiom spread) a
newscast, or a live breaking story, or a
documentary, or a morning or late-night
discussion show. The self-referencing qual-
ity of ABC News and ABC Sports—both
of which Arledge has headed since 1977—
may have been the most important sub-

liminal key to his programing's success.
Like most of his innovations, it was widely
idiculed by critics and competitors—and,

nevitably, imitated, made standard.
Looming over all the video architecture
he had constructed was the one supreme
i rledge had perfected

event within which
his idiom. The event that had come to be
associated with his name. His event. The
Olympics.

By 1984, ABC will have telecast nine of
the past 14 Olympics. Before 1960, there
no Olympics on television. In 1960,
S telecast filmed highlights and a few
live events in the games from Squaw Val-
ley and from Rome. There was little dis-
cernible audience enthusiasm. It became
apparent to the network executives of the
time that TV audiences were interested
only in sporting events that had already
implanted themselves in the publ
sciousness: familiar blue-chip attractions
such as the world series and the Rose Bowl
and heavywcight-title bouts.

But in the following 1961,
Arledge’s own mentor. a shrewd and un-
sung programmer named Edgar Scherick.
bequeathed to him an experimental Satur-
day-aftemoon format, a potpourri of
filmed and video-taped events—the sorts
of cvents most people had never bothered
to follow: rodeos and demolition derbies
and wrist-wrestling matches, plus a few
major amateu meets. The point of
the experimental show was that it was
cheap to produce. It would give ABG a
weekly sports presence on the air aud save
money—if it worked. The show's name
was Wide World of Sports. Hs host was
a short, obscure Baltimore television per-
sonality named Jin McManus—or Jim
McKay, as he preferred to be known.

Rival networks sneered at Wide World of
Sports. NBC made а particular point—
which it drove home for years—of being
the network of live sports coverage. Never-
theless. within a few years, Arledge had
crafted Wide World of Sports into one of the
most popular—and profitable—shows on
all of television. Among the eve
Wide World covered were Amateu
tetic Union track-and-field competitio
events considered to be utterly without fol-
lowing by TV audiences.

The A.A.U. coverage led Arledge and
ABC into the Olympics and from last
place to first in the ratings. In that same
year, the U.S. Olympic Committee official-
ly credited ABC with bringing about a
ignificant increase in contributions for
the Olympic movement and in evoking i
terest on the part of U.S. citizens wanting
to become participants” in the next winter
games. The committee reported that with-
in onc month of the telecasts from
Innsbruck, Austria, it had received more
than 33,000 requests for Olympic patches,
plus 250 letters a day requesting informa-
tion on such matters as how to apply for

с соп-

ve:

пас

positions оп the bobsled and the luge
teams.

That curve of interest continued to
climb through Montreal, Lake Placid and
into 1984: The People’s Republic of China,
which had stonily ignored Olympic com-
petition for 50 years, announced that it
would send 30 athletes to Mr. Arledge’s
Los Angeles games. Then the People’s Re-
public reconsidered. It would send 300.

Thus, these Ultimate Games of Televi:
sion, these Olympics of $500,000,000 in
total costs and $616,000,000 in projected
АВС revenues, these Olympics of the
$500,000 commercial minute and the two
and a half billion projected audience, these
Olympics that will summon Russia and
China, England and Argentina and all
those other lions and lambs, even as the
ancient Olympics were said to һауе halted
wars for their duration—these Olympics
will be the logical extension of young
Roone Arledge’s cost-cutting mandate
back in 1961. They will be the ultimate
Wide World of Sports

.

"This, then. is the Amcrican context for
Arledge's return to his bootstrap days as а
hands-on line producer of a live sporting
event: 187 and а half hours of coverage
over 16 days, from 7:30 A.M. in Los Angeles
until 2:30 лм. in New York. Not even
Arledge, famous for his feats of sleep
deprivation during these occasions, will be
able to oversee every hour of coverage, of
course. But he plans to work at least one
full shift every broadcast day.

Whatev the essence of Arledge's

peculiar video genius, by the early Eight-
ies, it had led him and his network from
the slough of obscurity to a pre-eminent
position in global telecommunications. In
the summer of 1984, ABC Sports will be at
the peak of its influence and prestige. Not
only will the network bc responsible for the
American coverage of the games, it will
originate the video and some audio signals
for transmission to at least 130 countries
around the world as well.
This world-wide transmission duty pre-
nts untold logistical problems for
Arledge’s Special Projects people іп Los
Angeles— the language barriers alone will
require а translation system that eclipses
that of the United Nations, And it is ex-
pensive. No lı than 570,000,000 of
ABC's total $225,000,000 rights payment
will go toward fi rational
broadcast center, plus cameras, mikes and
dozens of commentator booths to be used
exclusively by foreign announcers. (Each
country will pay for its own telecast rights,
but the money will not go to ABC; it will
go to the Los Angeles Olympic Organizing
Committee, which has set for itself the
Olympian goal of running the games with-
out a deficit.)

The reward for this particular exp
and these particular headaches lies in the

(continued т page 174)

“Where do you buy your underwear? I seem to
go through mine so quickly.”

PLAYBOY

78

HILL STREET BLUES

(continued from page 71)

“Partnering is what the show is about. That's what
police work is about—partnering.”

lawyers are represented in the press:
HAMEL: I don't watch the news or read
newspapers. They all depress me. I'm
ignorant of current events. I still buy the
Sunday New York Times, look at the maga-
ine and the Arts and Leisure section, then
burn the rest. Maybe I should be embar-
rassed to say that

PLAYBOY: Then let's stick with cops. Mike,
what's your feeling about the police you
portray?

WARREN: I don't know why anybody would
want to be a cop. It’s such a stupid job.
lot in the sense of protecting socie
in the human sense. There are just too
many crazies around. Why would any-
body want to be a со)
THOMAS: For a woman, it's a civil-service
job and you're going to get paid the same
amount as a man. And that’s great. But to
go through all that, to put yourself through
the academy and all the work you have to
do physically. . . . | think some women
think they'll be around these guys all day
ht have been some of Lucy
's thing, too. I still think it’s the worst
job in the world.

PLAYBOY: By the way, speaking of female
cops and the guys, didn't it seem as if Lucy
and Joe were going to have a romance?
MARINARO: We had this thing where I tried
to get into her pants for so long, but then
we just started really caring about cach
other as people. I suppose it could havc
become гота! again after t
BOCHCO: Yes, we hud Joc and Lucy having
an айай. We wrote it, we actually began
to shoot it; but as we looked at it, we all
just became uncomfortable with it. 1 don't.
know why, but I think it’s because in some
way, we found it to be a violation of the
concept of Lucy as a strong, committed
female police officer. Female police officers
still tend to be looked upon with less trust
and respect than male officers and
treated more as sex objects in their depart-
ments. Consequently, we have always had
Lucy show a very strong feeling that she
had to be better, tougher, stronger in those
arenas than anybody else to maintain her
credibility as a police officer. And 1 think
what happened was that as we began to
develop the aflair story—and it certainly

was a terrific story—we just began to real-
ize that it was a mistake.
PLAYBOY: Going back to how h of vou

researched your role, Howard Hunter is

strong advocate of SWAT-team tactics.
Jim, you've pointed out the differences be-
tween yourself and your character, but

according to your bie, you did have an
illustrious military career
SIKKING: It depended on your point of
view. My commanding officer didn't зау
that when I was in the Service. But I was
very lucky. I spent a lot of time in the
military. keeping the world safe for democ-
racy. Sure, there’s an advantage in know-
ing about certain military techniques
Unfortunately—or fortunately—I wasn’t
involved in those kinds of tactics in the
‘Army. 1 wa ca-study analyst in
psychologi
HAD: Well, / first met Andy Renko in the
submarine service. He was standing at the
foot of my bunk at 6:30 in the morning,
looking down at me, saying, “Git up, boy!
Git your ass out of there, you sorry son ofa
bitch!” And I said, “Yes, sir!” Renko was
born in watching those yahoos carry on.
PLAYBOY: Is Renko a yahoo?

HAID: Well, the mirror I’m trying to hold.
up with the character of Renko is that of a.
very confused, blue-collar mentality that
seems to pervade a great many men in our
society. It’s that scrabbling, tough macho
cowboy. You all sce those guys driving
round in pickups in the middle of the San
ernando Valley; there isn't a horse within
50 miles of those buggers. But the spirit of
the redneck cop and the spirit of the cow-
boy Andy Renko pervades a great number
of people in society.

PLAYBOY: While Furillo seems to play to.
the white-collar mentality?

BOCHCO: Yeah, he's a
management guy.
TRAVANTI: There are a lot of men like that
in the military and in corporations who
have figured out that they have reached
their most ей e level, the level at which
they feel most comfortable and сап accom-
plish maybe not everything they wish to
accomplish but the most, considering the
nature of the entire corporate machinery.
They would rather be in that position than
make more money with more responsibil-
ity but have to pay more, too—spiritually
and emotionally. Furillo feels that he’s
found his position and he’s clear about it,
unlike many of the other characters, who
constantly want to improve. Renko’s for
ever talking about improving his situation.
PLAYBOY: Aside from making the police
more real in the eyes of the publie, Hill
Street also describes criminals with what
scems to be more realism. Sometimes it’s
tough to tell the difference between the
cops and the robbers

THOMAS: That's one of the things Гуе al-
ways liked about Hill Street: Nothing is
black and white. What we deal with are all

classic middle-

the various shades of gray. Well, that's
more the way life is.

HAID: There’s an almost strange kind of
brotherhood that goes on between crimi-
nals and cops, because they're all out there
оп the streets fighting a sort of skirmish
war that goes on constantly on the fringes
of what we like to call a decent society. But
they're always in the trenches. The line is
like a little piece of thread that people are
constantly breaking, and you realize how
close to chaos it all is. It's something that
the civilian sitting out there sub-
urban home rarcly realizes.

PLAYBOY: Mike Warren said earlier that
there are some bad cops out there. Why
aren't there any bad ones in the Hill Street
precinct?

BOCHCO: I don't think that by any stretch
of the imagination you could call LaRue a
good cop. He is deficient in judgment very
often, if not most of the time; he is a ch
ic violator of civil rights; he jeopard
the well-being of fellow officers through his
alcoholism earlier in the series; and though
he’s sober now, he's no good cop. He's al-
hanging by a thread. I also don't
К Renko is a good cop. I think he be-
haves heroically at times
PLAYBOY: Wait a second. Kiel, do you think
LaRue is a bad cop?

MARTIN: Uh-uh. Top-notch cop. Excellent.
police officer. Good detective. When he’s
thinking straight, he’s a really good, dead-
on cop. He may not be as good a man as he
could be. But he’s as good a cop as any of
them, or better. So there. [Slicks his tongue
out] Nah. nah, nah, nah. I spit my milk at
them!

PLAYBOY: What clo you think, Taurean?
You're LaRue's partner.

BLACQUE: Nothing bad about him. I
wouldn't be with a bad cop. Could I say,
“This schmuck has my life in his hands”?
No, no, no. He has his vices—alcohol,
womanizing; doesn't know how to handle
money. But that’s true of a lot of people.
THOMAS: To me. LaRue's not good. He's
not a trustworthy human being. He
doesn't have confidence in himself or in
life. He doesn't trust other human beings.
The only great part of him is his rela-
tionship with Washington. More than any-
thing, partnering is what the show

about. And that’s what police work is
about—partnering.
PLAYBOY: Kiel, do vou feel LaRue violates
people's civil rights?
MARTIN: Name one real arrest procedure
that doesn't go down without some area of

civil rights invaded, however slightly. Тһе
reality is, cops just don't have the time to
do all that shit. That's not to say that kill-
ing someone in your charge is good be-
havior. We all know how tragic and wrong
that is, but you want to dcal with reality
That's like saying Army sergeants no

(continued on page 152)

BRUNETTE AMBITION

you can’t read about it in her high school yearbook,
but loretta martin got the graduation gift she wanted most

‘lebre when Billerica (Massachusetts)
1 High School senior Loretta Mar-
tin wrote under AMBITION in the high school’s
yearbook, “То do a spread for riaysoy.” Нег
mother didn't mind. Her friends thought it w:
funny. But it was definitely not funny to Billerica
Memorial officials, who deleted the line. Martin
wasn't the only student whose statement was
edited. OF 550 students in her class, 110 made
yearbook entries that were removed without
their permission. Of those 110, however, only

I STARTED our as a lark and ended up as а

“It was a relief ta graduate inta the real world,”
says outspoken Loretta, at hame (above right) in
Billerica, reading one of many newspaper com-
mentories generated by the yearbook controversy.

PHOTOGRAPHY BY POMPEO POSAR

ack. After un-
ng her case the year-
the student council and the
went, accompanied by her
Trullo, to school superintend-
ent Paul Heffernan. “He told me that if I were
his daughter, he'd turn me over his knee and
spank me,” says Martin. Heffernan rejected her
request that her ambition be reinstated, par-
tially because “I didn’t think that type of com-
ment belonged іп a yearbook. I deal with the
parents of all the students, and I think they

principal,
mother, Beverl

Groduation time brought Loretta two immediate re-
words: her diploma (left) and her 18th birthdoy,
which (along with her beauty) made the fulfillment of

her dream af pasing for PLAYBOY cameras possible. 79

want a tasteful yearbook.” Viewing the censorship as less a matter of
good taste than an infringement on her freedom of speech, Martin
enlisted the aid of the American Givil Liberties Union to apply legal
pressure on her behalf: Soon the media got wind of her story, and one
morning she woke up to find crews from NBC and CBS outside her
home. ABC News interviewed her on the phone, as did a reporter
from Good Morning America. Articles were written about her in
newspapers around the country, and she was invited to appear on
Donahue. Oh, yes. And we invited her to our Chicago studios to
make her ambition come truc. The Billerica yearbook was printed
before Martin's A.C.L.U. lawyer had time to file an injunction to

BILLERICA MEMORI
HICH SCHOOL

X

Facing the future as she leaves Billerica Memoriol High, Loretta holds the
censored yearbook (top left) that provoked her legal battle. Loretta
oppeared on Donohue (above) with two other women whose wish 10 appear
in PLAYBOY got them in trouble: former San Diego Charger cheerleader Jill
Fleming and Marina Verola, our oll-time-favorite stockbroker. Despite а
nerve-rocking final semester, Loretta is all smiles after hearing her class pres-
ident give his commencement speech (below). Іп о more leisurely moment,
she takes a stroll in Boston Common (left) with a “very close" friend.

prevent its publication, so that case is moot.
But Loretta learned a lot about life before it
was over: “I learned how cruel people can be.
А week after my story appeared in the Lowell,
Massachusetts, Sun, I walked through the
lunchroom and studens were calling me
names. | figured they were repeating what
they'd heard their parents say. That's sad. But
I also learned that there's a whole big world
out there, and Fm glad to go into it as ап
adult.” Welcome to the major leagues, Loretta.

“Ive always thought that the women in PLAYBOY are
all so beautiful,” says Loretta, “so | was shocked and.
delighted and a little scared ta hear from [Senior
Photography Editar] Jeff Cahen, because | had по
prafessional modeling experience. But working with
[Stoff Phatographer] Pampeo Pasar was more relax-
ing than | could have imagined, | just hope the pho-
tos come aut well.” Don't worry, Loretta. They did.

vanran first appeared іп
the village the Tuesday
night before Christmas. 1
know it was a Tuesday, be-

b.

cause we were in the

ter, Wickie, Jim the milkman, Barton
and me—piaying our usual game,
nine-card brag. Nothing extravagant,
mind you; a couple of pounds in the
ashtray, winner take all and buy the
next round. That's the way we nor-
mally play. A few of the wives and
girlfriends sat by the fire, gossiping,
1а Jim about his new theory
g turkey makes you go deaf.

1 had just turned іп my hand when
Quantrill came in—no use betting
when a low flush and a pair of fours are
the strongest cards you've got, not
when someone has already laid three
jacks, as Barton had. scooping the pot
for the fourth time that evening. We
were all moaning about his luck when
the door flung open and the man Quan-
trill burst into the place, dressed as
though it was the height of summer,
with a shirt open all the way down
hairy barrel chest, a pair of tropi
weight trousers and vellow suede shoes
crusted with dried mud.

None of us had ever seen him before.
We get thousands of visitors in the
summer months—they come for the
forest and the beach— but from late
September to early Junc, the village is
pretty quiet, which is the way most of.
us like it. So the arrival of a stranger
ош of season is something of an event;
not one to be celebrated, you under-
stand, but an event that we're inclined
to notice and talk about, especially if
the stranger looks a bit of a nut case, as
this one did.

Naturally, we ignored him. To begin
with, he was older than all of us—ex-
cept for Jim, of course—by about 25
years or so, which would have made
him around 50, 1 suppose. He had one
of those red, bulging faces with the
small bloodshot glaring eyes that you
sometimes get from drinking too
much, and he was drunk. all right: any-
one could see that.

Now, we've ай! been blind pissed at
one time or another the pub. fair
enough. but we don't like hen
people from outside get like that. It’s
upsetting—1 can't explain why—but
it's got something to do with the fact
that The Bell is our pub: it's the place
where, after our houses and work, we
spend much of our spare time, and we
like it to be orderly, predictable. When
you get some drunken stranger barging
in, dressed for the Riviera with the
ground frozen harder than concrete,
you have a threat on your hands, and:
the only sensible thing to do is ignore
him and hope he won't turn ош tobe a

OUANTRIL
AND THE

COLDFSH
REC PCTTIERTON

his quarry
was a dark-haired,
slim-hipped beauty

bloody nuisance. If he does, you tread
on him.

This Quantrill fellow just stood in
the door, looking like a mam who
couldn't decide whether to come іп or
£o out again. We carried on with the
game, paying no attention, but my seat
faced the door and I saw his expression
change when he looked over at the fire,
where the women sat. Diane, Barton's

> wife, that's who he was looking at.
"Course, you never knew Diane, but
you'd remember if you'd ever seen
her. She was some beautiful,
boy, always was, even when
%, she was small. “That little
* Diane's got a face and a
half on her, han't it?" my
dad said to a mate of his
once when he didn't know
1 was listening. Had this
thick, straight hair, she did,
a darkish-brown color with a
ry gleam when it caught
the light. She used to twirl a lock of
it with two fingers, winding it slowly
around them: and brushing the end
across her lips.
You, not knowing her, might have
thought she was putting on an act, but
she wasn't. It was what she did when
she was thinking—she'd tell you that if
you asked. "I'm just having a think,”
She'd say. She ма never a big talker,
mind, so you rarely knew what she was
thinking.
Barton called her Goldfish, because
he said she had a mouth like one, but I
| never saw it. Always liked the shape
V^ myself, the way the lips turned down at
Î the corners. Made her look sad except
when she smiled or laughed, and she
did her share of both.

I don't mind admitting I fancied
her when we were all growing up.
Chased her into Clay Smoker's
stables one year, summertime it
was, when a gang of us were larking
around after a party. Got her down

on the hay and tried to kiss her, but
she wasn't having any of that. Gave
me a right stinger across the chops,
she did.
1 suppose we all fancied her at one
time or —it was only natural
with her looks—but we got over it in
the end. I stopped noticing her years
ago, noticing her їп that way, 1 mean.
Besides, she never really looked at any-
one except Barton, though he didn’t
seem to see anything special about her.
I bet he never chased her into any
Stable; he wasn't that sort. Dogs, guns
and birds, that's my mate Barton. Be-
fore they got married, me and him
were sitting by the marshes one night,
waiting for the ducks to come in from
sea, and I tried to get him to talk about
her, but he just grunted and whistled
his dog. Then, when we got older, he

PLAYBOY

86

married her and that was that. Once that
happened. she was just Goldfish, Barton's
wi

Mind vou. youd sometimes see her
from a distance. up to her waist in a field of
barley or riding her bike down the lane. a
slim, long-legged girl, with that mane of
dark hair over her eves. And fora moment,
before you recognized her. vou might һа
had the same kind of look on vour face that
aw on Quantrill's that night in The Bell
Bloody Quantrill! I don't think she even
noticed him when he She was
miles away. twirling her hair. having а
think. And he just stood at the door, star-
ing at her. Then he walked over to the bar,
nodding at us lot at the table, and banged
on the counter with an ashtray
Two bottles of champagne.” he said іп
a loud. rasping voice. “French. None of
that sparkling Australian muck.

Normally. John. the landlord at The
Bell, would have told him to shove off
body uses that tone in the pub if he hopes
to get served, and John, who's been known.
to leap over the cou ind sort out
drunken fishermen at once, імгі the kind
of man to tolerate rude customers. But on.
this occasion, he just lifted an eyebrow,
ducked into the back room and brought
out the champagne without a word. Quar
trill told him to keep the change and bring
out a dozen glasses. Then he walked over
10 our table, as confident as vou рі
and sat at the empty place next to me.

SI trust that you have no objection to
my joining you,” he said. serewing up his
mouth into something resembling a smile
and giving me a faceful of whiskey fumes.
SI expect we'll all be seeing a Jot of cach
іп fut and 1 do lı
ted with my neighbors. I'm Edward
Quantrill. Unless my lawyers r the
negotiations, I shall be moving into Sir
Gervais Lincoln’s house in the new year
© vou to have а drink with me.

Of course, we'd heard his name when
the news came through about the
colns’ selling out, but until that night, the
new had been a mystery figure.
Now it seemed that he was a loony, too,
judging by his manner and his peculiar
speech; but. as I said, he was drunk,
though I had no doubt that even if he was
sober, he'd still be a loony. А man who's
just bought one of the biggest and oldest
estates in the county doesn't walk into the
village pub and treat the locals to cham-
If vou looked at the records, youd
find that the Liacolns have owned their
id for 700 years. But no
foot in the pub in my lifetime,
did their gamekeepers.

1 suppose most of the village lads h
known what it’s like to he chased by a I
col» keeper, with a couple of bursting
lungs, a shotgun and a bag of pheasants

ing against them, Only the night be-
fore Quantrill showed up, me and Barton
had to run like hell—striding out, we call

ame in.

fo get ac-

owner

col ever set
nd neither

worl

it—after we'd been sighted in the woods.
Someone must have seen our light when
we were picking out the roosting birds in
the trees by the back lane.

My dad always said we had it саз
while Sir Gervais Lincoln was running the
place, because the old boy cared more
about keeping the holiday people oll his
land than he cared about poachers. He
once dumped a load of poultry droppings
on a camping site in the middle of July,
and for vcars alterward, we used to call
him Sir Chickenshit. Е, old boy, he
was; used to go shooting dressed in an Ital-
jan-silk suit and ballet shoes. Now he was
gone, monocle and all, and we had a new
man to deal with. Watching Quanuill’s
he knew
ying champagne for the biggest
poacher in the district—my mate Bar-
ton—and a few lesser heroes in the same
line of wa

We don't get champagne too often, so
when Quantrill opened both. bottles and
told us to help ourselves. we didn’t hang
about

“Your health,” he said in his House of
Lords voice. A couple of the girls giggled.
“Thats what 1 like to see!" he shouted.
rubbing his bare chest. “Decent people en-
joying themselves. The salt of the earth! 1
salute you!” And he actually brought his
hand to his temple in а parade-ground
quiv

“What
said, tipping the bottle over
and cocking his head at Goldfish,
sparkly for the sparkling lady? Some bub-

bles in my lady's bubble container?"
Goldfish looked at Barton, who
shrugged a “Why not" gesture and

grin
the mixt

ed. flushed with his winnings and by
re of champagne with several
. Quantrill turned to him

? | congratulate you, si
had a wife who was almo: utiful,
but she ran olf with my accountant. Good
bloody riddance to her. Cunt"

He shouted for more champa

as 1.

And

gne.

anything else these good people would

n and upended the second bottle
mouth,

like Ch and 1 like you,” he
said. “Used to have chaps like you under
my command in Korea, Bloody good men,
all of them—none of your fancy, long-
haired nancy boys on my ship.

We had, of course, given up the game of
and were feeling warm and clever by
then and nowhere near as drank as Quan-
trill. He pulled out a bunch of five-pound
notes from his pocket; there must have
bee I hundred pounds in the roll.
like you.” he said. “I want to give
you all a present," and he stared into my
some religious maniac and gave

та

seve

суез like

me one of his fivers. I was five of
those in my pay packet every week, so
you'll understand why I slipped it in my

pocket without a second thought.

“And you, lovely lady.” he said, givi
the next one to Goldfish. She threw it on
the fire, where it burned black and crum-
pled into ashes that floated up the chim-
ney. Quantrill squinted at her. “That's
remarkable." he said. “Don't you care
about money

She shrugged. “You don’t,” she said
“Why should anyone else? I don't want
your stupid money, you silly old bugger.

Barton looked sick but said nothing.
ive pounds to him meant nearly six boxes
of 12-bore cartridges.

Quantrill shook his head, like a man
with water in his ears, and stufied the roll
of notes back into his trousers. “I like that,
a beauty with spirit. You're a very fortu-
nate young man,” he said, squeezing Bar-
ton’s arm across the table, “Good woman
you've got there. Quite marvelous.”

He stood up and peered out of the win-
dow. “Better get home,” he said and
lurched out of the pub. leaving the door
i From where І sat, I saw him
the wall outside and then
climb into the back of a Bentley. A chau
feur wrapped a blanket around his knees.

“Come оп, you funny bitch." Barton
said to Goldfish, "let's go home.”

.

А month passed before we saw Quan-
ill again. In the meantime, Barton had
been vut poaching like a demon, bringing
home pheasants, partridge, woodcock,
snipe, mallard, teal, hares—anyth
could get his sights on. I went with
few times, but I didn't have his nerve.
Once а week was enough for me, and апу:
way. I didn’t go shooting for the money,
not like Barton. I ate what I caught or
gave it away, but he sold his birds to
butchers and а few posh restaurants in
nearby tow!

“That Quantrill won't be so fast with
his fivers and champagne next time,” Bar-
id one night when he came back with
a full bag. "I reckon I've got about a
month before he gets himself sorted out
his keepers. He's sacked
ost of the old lot, all but Tom Foreman,
and Tom's a good old boy. He doesn’t
leave the house if it’s ‚ By the time
the great Мг. О. knows what he’s doing,
there'll be so few birds left, he won't need
any bloody keeper:

When we next saw Quantrill in the pub,
he looked more like the country gent—
tweed suit and a new pair of green Wel-
lington boot nd he was sober. He
shook hands with me and Barton as if we
were a couple of prime ministers, then
he asked very politely if he could buy us
a drink. Barton wouldn't hear of it—he
insisted on buying the round. Half a pint

(continued on page 192)

1ASSICS WITH A TWIST sums up the fashion direction for this fall and winter's mens-
C wear looks—the twist being dressy, more citified cuts and colors in both tailored

clothes and sportswear. Suit-coat shoulders will be broader, and you'll see more
self- and sweater vests. The pocket square also is returning, bringing with it a dash of
color and texture that will brighten more somber fall hues, such as charcoal gray, brown
and navy. Leather, both polished and suede, continues its winning ways; matte-surfaced
acks, for example, look ppearing old.
iting, dropped-shoulder sweaters with dimensional textured effects will highlight
pullover and cardigan styles. But enough words. Pictures tell the real story. Read on

nd feel lived in when new without

т m um um E

sewn loafers, by Johnston & Murphy, 5105.

Below: A wool hcp-socking double-breasted
sports jacket with tottersoll overploid pottern
and notch lopels and potch pockets, obout
$500, thor's coupled with o muted-glen-plaid
shirt, about $70, flonnel slacks, about $155,
end a silk-foulard tie, obout $37.50, all by
Alexonder Julion; herringbone

socks, from Polo by Rolph Lauren, $18; hond-

wool/nylon

our autumnal survey
of the coming trends
in menswear

PLAYBOYS
FALL AND
WINTER
FASHION
FORECAST

attire

By HOLLIS WAYNE

Above: Wild-and-woolly offerings for foll and winter include (left) a tweed cordigon, obout 5250, worn
over a wool/nylon tweed sweater, obout $165, both by Adrienne Vittadini Uomo; a cotton/polyester shirt,
from John Weitz by Shelburne, $27.50; double-pleated wool slacks, by Country Britches, cbout $100;

wocl/nylon herringbone socks, by Christion Dior for Camp Hosiery, $5.50; and leather loafers, by
Botticelli, $160; ond (right) a tweed sweater vest, $270, and a silk shirt, $130, both by Pinky & Dianne
Ltd.; plus wool tweed pleated slacks, by Mastroianni, $85; ond a silk tie, by Andrew Fezza, Ltd., $36.

Below: The lean, tough look of o block-suede-ond-polished-leother blouson jacket with sheorling
lining and multicolor shoulder detcil, $600, worn with polished-leother slacks, $475, both from La
Motto by Gionfronco Ferré; o wool ploid shirt, by Andrew Fezza, Ltd., $300; blue-cotton T-shirt, by
Jockey International, $6.50; cotton boot socks, by Calvin Klein, $10; and rubber shoes with block-
colfskin trim, by Suson Bennis/ Worren Edwards, $275. (His titanium wotch Бу Omega, $1250.)

PHOTOGRAPHY BY GORDON MUNRO

Below: Two stolwort fashion looks for your fall/winter wardrobe include (lef!) o belied leother
jocket with faur zipper pockets, $700, worn over a cholk-stripe suit, $295, o cotton pinstripe
shirt, $29.50, ond o silk tie, $32.50, all by Colvin Klein; ond suede wing-tip shoes, by
Мопсу Knox, $225; ond (right) а wool tattersall double-breasted suit with double-pleoted
trousers, $310, thof's worn with a Shetlond cordigon sweoter vest, 555, о cotton shirt, 535, and о
silk tie, $22.50, all by Sol Cesaroni for Cesarani; plus a gold-ploted collor pin, by J. Р. Graytok, $8.

Above: For stylish city strolls or o leisurely country weekend, we recommend this urbane wool glen-ploid
three-piece suit featuring с double-vented jacket with notch lopels, double-pleoted trousers with side tobs
ond o six-button, four-pocket satin-backed vest, abaut $550, coupled with a cotton multicolor-stripe shirt
with a tob-stud collor, about $55, bath by Alon Flusser; o silk tie, by Jeffrey Banks, $30; multicolor
wool/nylon Argyle socks, by Marum for Alan Flusser, $13; ond leather lace-up shoes, by Poul Stvort,
abaut $160. (On our man’s vest is о 14-kt.-gold-link pocket-watch choin, by Топу & Co., $650.)

THE

a continuing report on the state of the sexual union

PLAYBOY READERS
SEX SURVEY

part five

when you get right down lo it, youll find
sexual synchronization the key to sexual success

A DECADE AGO, the story goes, a reporter
asked Richard Burton just what it is that
makes a woman good in bed. The great
modulator coiled his eyebrows and spoke
for a generation of men. “Nothing,” he
said. “All she has to do is lie there.”

‘That was then. Now the sexual revolu-
tion is a /йе accompli. The Eighties were
supposed to be dessert, but now that most
of our old assumptions about sex have
been discarded. what have we been dealt
in their place? Mouseburgers, leather men
and little old ladies on the radio. How
many people go to bed and struggle with
wave upon wave of conflicting informa-
tion, so full of advice on how to, they can't
quite remember why?

Part of the reason we launched this
series was to loosen things up a little, to
present information without necessarily
turning it into advice. This month, we are
turning things over to 14,761 guest experts
on female sexuality; the women who re-
sponded to The Playboy Questionnaire.
They seem to know why as well as how to,
and they are going to lead us to the focal
point of contemporary sex, the female
orgasm.

с pill, the women's movement and
the sexual revolution have all contributed
to а sexual society in which most of
the standards are centered on women. The
culmination of all the changes that have
taken place in the past 20 years is that the
one question that counts has become Was
good for her?
We asked all our respondents what they
think is the best moment in intercourse.
The most popular answer among the men
was “When my partner comes." The most
popular answers among the women were
“Foreplay” and “When / come.” What
might appear a difference of opinion is
really agreement—acceptance of the way
we measure good sex

Ascendant as it is, the female orgasm із
still a mystery to many men. It is no less a.
mystery to many women. Айс:
years of human evolution, sex res
have yet to figure out how many kinds of
female orgasm there are. Every month,
the Playboy Advisor (since Errol Fl
death our foremost expert on sex) is
dated with letters on the subject. Most are
from men who have seen more women go-
ing than coming. On top ofall the rest, men

are just now learning to deal with the phe-
nomenon of multiple female orgasm. Is one
enough? A woman's capacity for orgasms
is, theoretically, unlimited. Is anything
enough? Multiple orgasm represents a
boon to women. At the same time, women
who have long had trouble achieving even
onc orgasm may now feel pressure to have
waves of them. And there's little doubt
that any emphasis on multiple female
orgasm brings greater and greater perform-
ance pressure to bear on men. Modern
swordsmanship seems always double-
edged.

When one woman climaxes like, light
ning, why does another lie chilled and dis-
appointed? When onc woman sleeps with
three men, all of whom climax in ten min-
utes, why does she come in three minutes
with one, in ten with another and not at all
with the saddest but wisest one? Male
technique has something to do with it, but
even Richard Gere will tell you there's
more to it than that. Why do so many men
swear they've had the experience of feeling
like different men when they sleep with
different women?

We have no shortage of questions. We

94

can't claim to have all the answers, but
some of them are here. One іп particu-
lar—timing—seems paramount in deter-
minii the differences between womei
who climax easily and women who don't.
We will discuss it in detail, but even that
n't nearly all there is. Most of us pas
adolescence long enough ago to know t
sex is impervious to formula.

You probably remember Lady Chatter-
ley. She had a lover. The two of them had
truly pitiful sex at first. It got better and
better as they went

along, which can bc
an inspiration to us
all Not everyone

bought the story

cn (38 percent) may or may not climax.
The nonorgasmic women (20 percent)
rarely, or never, reach orgasm when they
have intercourse. We wi be tall
much about the sometimes-orgasmic
women, Unless stated otherwise, their re-
sponses fall between those of the two other
groups.

We have a much
regularly orgasmic women in our sample
than, say, Shere Hite did in her Hile Re-
portion female sexuality: That must reflect
the differences between her ideology and

HER FAVORITE THINGS

How would you change your sex life?

igher percentage of

ILLUSTRATION ву KINUKO Y. CRAFT

with their current sex lives. For them, the
sexual revolution and its aftermath appear
to have added up toa freedom to feel pleas-
ure. Still, more than three quarters of the
sometimes-orgasmic and 56 percent of the
nonorgasmic women also claim to be sex-
ually satisfied.

It is a sociological axiom that when you
ask people if they are satisfied, about 70
percent will say yes. Nobody wants to be a
complainer. Given that, then, it is the
drop-off from 86 percent to 56 per-
cent that is significant here. More than
half of the nonor-
gasmic women say
they are currently
satisfied, but their
other responses

though. Norma
Mailer is onl

pointing out to us
that the course of

T want
ту portner
to be more
respansive

to my

sexual needs

1 wont
more
intercourse

1 wont
more
orol sex

would fill a street-
car with desires.
We asked all our
respondents, for in-
to tell us
they would

true sex never runs
quite so smooth.

2696

change their sex
lives. They could

We аге aware
that sex is riddled
with riddles. There

% | 49%

pick from а whole
list of p
or write in

their

are always psycho-
logical colors flying

59%

45% 55% 49% 33%

own. Orgasmic
women averaged

around, shifting
like the northern
lights. A woman

stimulates herself
and comes in two
minutes; her part-
ner does it for her
and she doesn’t come at all. Why is that?
Sex is mysterious. It is, finally, an irreduci
ble communication, whether of bodies
only or of bodies and souls. Much of it
simply is not quantifiable.

What we have in this survey, however. i:
an enormous number of people who are
willing to talk about their sexual lives. We
will tell you about the numbers. We w
speculate about the intangibles. We will
not pretend that percentages can represent
sex, but we think they can describe it. In
this case, they paint a picture of surprising
consistencies.

We divided the women who answered
our questionnaire into three groups. The
orgasmic women (40 percent of the total)
always or usually climax when they have

ntercourse. The sometimes-orgasmic wom-

Although more than half of the nonorgasmic women report thal they are sexually satisfied, their
responses to questions such as this one serm lo qualify their answers. Mare foreplay would be a welcome
change for nonorgasmic women; nonorgasmic women are also more likely to say they want more inter
course than to suy they want more oral sex. Nearly half of the orgasmic women
intercourse than they are gelting now.

ours, not to mention the dillerences be-
tween her respondents and ours. The
charge that has been leveled at Hite is that
she went out looking for female dissatisi
ion and male incompetence. We like both
words better without the prefixes; and so,
apparently, do our readers. We did not
looking for orgasmic women. The largest
sample of highly orgasmic women yet
studied came to us through a question-
re we published in the January 1982
issue of pLavnoy. Since we found virtually
по difference in the frequency with which
all three groups of women have inter-
course, we will be talking throughout this
article about differences in quality, not
of sex.

simply quanti

Almost all of the orgasmic women—86
percent of them—say they are satisfied

3.1 suggestions.
Nonorgasmic wom-
en averaged 4.2.
While that is not
cnough difference
for us to announce
a sex gap, it turns
out to be a window of vulnerability.

Whether or not a woman is orgasmic is
surely the most important element of her
sexuality. Why, then, do so many nonor-
gasmic women tell us they don't mind
being left high and dry? Fifty-nine percent
say they can be “sexually satisfied without
having an orgasm,” compared with just 37
percent of the orgasmic women. You might
call that diminished expectation or quiet
desperation. Either way, it still appears 10
be compensation, not satisfaction. The
nonorgasmic women we surveyed шат 10
have orgasms. Because the sex they аге
having now docs not provide them, they
have to look for substitutes.

Orgasmic women told us their most in-
tense orgasms occur during intercourse.
But when asked what provides their

inl even more

PLAYBOY

intense dimaxes, nonorgasmic wome
choose masturbation over all other acti
ties. Oral sex takes the middle position for
both groups.

How come masturbation is first choice
among women who have trouble climax-
ing through intercourse? Why aren't they
turning to oral sex?

Part of the reason is the same for women
as it is for men. Oral sex requires а part-
ner. Masturbation, like playing second
base, takes only a good set of hands. Fi
teen percent of the nonorgasmic women
say they һаус no steady sex partner, while
only eight percent of the orgasmic wome
have no steady partner. That leaves the 85
percent of nonorgasmic women who do
have partners, though, о sexual solitaire
is not thc only game they play.

"The nonorgasmic women get the least
oral sex of all the women we surveyed.
Perhaps that’s because few men perform
cunnilingus to the point of org: есіпе
it more as a form of foreplay. Since so
many of the women say they want more
oral sex, those men might want to bone up
on cunnilingual technique. More (or bet-
ter) oral sex may help nonorgasmic
women become тоге orgasmic in inter-
course. Experience suggests that many
women who have problems climaxing
through intercourse are very responsive to
oral stimulation.

Time out for a public-service reminde
The clitoris is sensitive and doesn't requ
more tha
Women often complain that шеп are too
rough with female genitalia, just as men
grumble that women are too gentle. Short-
ly before orgasm, the clitoris retracts
under its hood and may then require
slightly more deliberate stimulation. If
penetration occurs at that point, along
with some manual stimulation of
clitoris, some nonorgasmic women ma
find that they can climax.
whty-seven percent of the orgasmi
women rate themselves as good lovers, but
so do 74 percent of the nonorgasmic
women. Here again, self-description is
somewhat deceptive. The more specific the
question, the more we found out about
the differences among the groups of women
we surveyed.

An ability to discuss sex without
blushing seems one important distinction
More than twice as many orgasmic womc
as nonorgasmic ones are comfortable tall
ing with their partners about sex. Nearly
three fourths of the orgasmic women say
they are very comfortable. The numbers
for the two other groups are significantly
lower. Sixty-two percent of the sometimes-
orgasmic and roughly half of the nonorgas-
mic women can talk about sex with ease.

Previous studies have reached similar
conclusions. In one, women who did not
talk about sex—who simply waited for
good things to happen—were labeled
“romantics.” Women who openly and con-

©
n the most delicate attention

structively discussed sex were called “real-
nty percent of the “realists”
but just 23 percent of the “romantics”
were highly orgasmic. Good communica-
tion is опе way men and women tailor
their sexuality to their partners’. It’s one of
the key factors in getting in sync, and that,
as we are going to see, may be the prime
ingredient of good sex.

Does candid conversation make women
more orgasmic? Or is it just that having
orgasms makes them want to sing their
praises? There isalmost certainly an inter-
play. Talking about sex lets а person in on
what pleases his or her partner. That leads
to better sex and then to more communica-

tion. It's a mutually reinforcing cycle that
orgasmic women ride more smoothly than
the rest.

Alan and Donna Brauer, the gurus of
Extended Sexual Orgasm, tell couples to
"spend at least five minutes after сас!
sion debriefing. Talk about what
perienced and what you learned. Say
you liked about watching each other. Say
what surprised you. Say what you
like and would do differently nex
That kind of sexual round table is only a
part of the Brauers’ overly intricate E.S.O.
program, but it's good advice on its own.
When sex talks, people tend to listen and
learn. Orgasmic women may have learned
better than most that talking about sex
n make it less problematic and more
successful.

What about age differences? Do women
climax in chronological order? You might
expect younger women, who grew up
when the benefits of sexual liberation were
the accepted facts of life, to be more orgas-
mic than older women. On the other hand,
you might expect older women to be more
orgasmic, since they have had more
to learn from experience.

The two factors probably cancel each
other out. The women Kinscy studicd in
the early Fifties did seem to become more
orgasmic with age, but our figures indicate
that if experience beats youth, it’s by only
a little.

The older women we surveyed are
slightly more orgasmic than the younger
he primary difference comes in for
women 30 and older. As they age, they arc
somewhat more likely to achieve orgasm
through intercourse than younger жопе!
гс. Also, the married women

ones.

n our sam-

ріс arc a shade more orgasmic than the
single wome

We noted in part two of this series that a
al aid, tha

wedding ring is our
data indicate that sex doesn’t improve
after marriage. We're not contradicting
that here. It's time, not marriage, that may
help couples get their sexual signals
straight. Other influences certainly have
their «Иесіз, but the most important one of
all—we will return to it—is what we call
“sexual synchronization.”

Orgasmic women are a little more dar-

ing when it comes to extramarital sex. For-
ty-one percent of them have had affairs,
compared with 36 percent of the nonorgas-
mic women. The difference is not enough
to threaten the institution of marriage.
The reasons women have affairs—rcassur-
ance of desirability, sexual variety, a rush
of excitement—are the same for both
groups. Orgasmic women are по more
likely to have “open” relationships with
their partners or their husbands. Of those
who have affairs, less than 13 percent of
each group report having them in order to
find “better sex.” We think it is wise not to
draw conclusions about extramarital sex
and orgasm. The reasons people have
affairs have more to do with personal
needs than with sexual ones.

Every reader of romance novels knows
moncy is an aphrodisiac, but in our data,
the alliance between bucks and big
orgasms is shaky. (We have always known.
it’s only the act of spending money that’s an
aphrodisiac.) The only fiscal/physical cor-
relation our figures turn up is one of ex-
tremes: Almost three times as many of the
women who always climax as those who
never climax make $40,000 or more. “The
very rich are different from you and me,”
says F. Scott. “Yes,” replies Ernest, “they
have more excellent sex.”

So far, the best generalization we can
make about nonorgasmic women is that
they are less active—in bed, in conversa-

tion, in terms of affairs and сусп inter-
course—than women who climax more
often. They do not necessarily like it like
that. In response 10 the question Would

you like to be more active during sex?
nonorgasmic women are about half again
as likely as the rest to say yes.

Orgasmic women, on the other hand,
take a decidedly active part in their sex
lives. They are much more sexually sat-
isfied than their nonorgasmic counter-
parts. They don't want to be more active
in sex; they're already active. They can’t
come up with many ideas for improving
their sex lives. They are not really looking
for more oral sex, though they wouldn't
knee you in the ear if you tried to provide
it. They could stand a little more foreplay
They would like even more intercourse
than they're getting now. (Three out of
four orgasmic women have intercourse two
to three times a week or more. Sixteen per-
cent have intercourse three times a night or
more on the nights they set aside for sex.)
Nowhere do they appear as truly dissat-
ished as nonorgasmic women. Nonorgas-
mic women say they're satisfied, but they
are searching for better sex the way
Diogenes sought ап honest man. Orgasmic
women are satisfied. Still, most of them
would be willing to turn up the gain and
go for even more

If those distinctions were the only ones
we could find, we'd be finished now. The
paragraphs that follow should be a clue

(continued on page 182)

“You promised lo show те how you can И nething
so big inside something so small.

COMING
BACK STRONG

when the curtain fell on her
ballet career, tracy vaccaro was
born again—as an actress

RACY VACCARO can walk into a Hollywood res-

taurant, be seated at a table next to Neil Simon

and Sally Field and never give them an idle
glance—as сап some yogis.

Tracy’s poise, though, comes from a purely Western

discipline learned during her childhood in Las Vegas:

“Pm a Taurus and they’re, well, bullheaded. They get
something in their heads and they go one way. But
they're usually extremely kind to propie and very sex-
ual. Taurus is the most sexual female sign there is.”

PHOTOGRAPHY BY ARNY FREYTAG

Tracy covers the tennis court
with the grace of a ballerina. The
much-feared Vaccaro backhand
(below) is used to good advan-
tage at the King Harbor Celebri-
ty Tennis Tournament, while
the much-admired Vaccaro back-
side (right) is used to confuse
opponents and delight onlookers.

“Heed well, Grasshopper; look neither to the left nor to
the right but at your own cards, for therein lies your
fate." Who knows what they teach in Las Vegas schools?
Whatever the curriculum, social or academic, Tracy
studied her lessons well.
“I don't һауе a whole lot of style,” she says. “But I
class. I can carry myself. 1 can go anywhere. I can
1 with it. I'm grateful for thai
She's a scrapper, street-wise, critical of everything,
wary of everyone. She came of age in a town of rampant

The crowd yelled “Sis, boom, ahh!" (left) when she led
cheers for the “Battle of the Network Stars” on telev
sion recently, but as a teen, Tracy spent most of her
time dancing. "I had по time for football gam
basketball games or whatever,” she told us. “I was а
ways athletic, though. I once won a state title in track.

While a knee injury forced Tracy to abandon thoughts of a ballet career, she
still works out regularly to maintain her form and flexibility. “I need to dance
three hours, four days a week,” she si It’s a feeling, an illumination

that nothing else equals. It requires unbelievable concentration. If I hadn't
hurt myself, I probably would have been а dance teacher at the age of 35.”

“Tve always hated any other form of discipline.
Still do. But I loved dance. My body would lis
ten to me. I was able to do something good with
it. The meaner my teacher and the worse she
was to me, the more I liked it, There were no
ego problems. Nobody was out to prove any-

espected them because we were striv-
ing for the same end, trying to do the same
thing, and so the discipline made sense.”

excesses, and at 21, she hardly ever gets the vapors. For the first 16 years of her life, Tracy thought she was going to be a ballet dancer.
She had trained for it daily since the age of six. She becomes wistful when she talks about it now: “I wouldn't have been the
best in the world, because physically I got too big. But I would have danced. I would have danced. I had a scholarship to go to Europe
to study classical ballet. At the time, I was dancing cight hours a day and I'd been on point for a long time. Well, I ripped all
the ligaments and tore the cartilage in my knee. They told me, "You are never going to put these dance shoes on again. And I just felt
like . . . what do you do? Something was torn from me. ‘Wait a second. Is that it? It was all I knew.

“I was an extremely hyperactive, nervous, out-of-my-mind kid who could not, did not want to be around children. I never played
with dolls, never played with tays. I wanted to be around adults. I thought I was an adult from the (concluded on page 206)

“I don't want the upper hand in a rela-
tionship. I can't respect such а man. I
come from the old school. The minute a
man lets me take any kind of advantage,
mentally, and as far as any interest іп
romance goes, I'm gone. I still like him
as а person, of course, but I really can't
stand any kind of weakness in a тап.”

“I don't always want to lead. I want some-
body else to lead, to teach. I prefer to
learn. I don't want to be the strong one."

“The only reason I've been as successful as I have in relationships is that Pm a very loving person. If you have a real good
sexuality about you, make men feel they are loved, give them what they need, th
forgiving. I can't hate anybody. 1 know people who have done terrible things lo me. I still like them. People say, ‘Ho
do that? This person did this, this and this to you.’ I understand. That's my problem. Why do I have to understand their side?

"Il overlook a lot of shit just for that lı I'm real
сап you

PLAYMATE DATA SHEET

NAME: \ ORCOUD
susr: DD “йыт AL EEE

a
HEIGHT: WEIGHT wA 5

BIRTH DATE: 5, BIRTHPLACE:

AMBITIONS: 1 СУ

top S

FAVORITE SPORTS:

IDEAL MAN:

PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES

When 1 gct an absolutely irresistible urge to kiss
you,” the young man told his girl as they
pulled into the secluded lovers’ lane, “my teeth
start chattering.”

“I know just what you mean,” the young lady
responded eagerly, “because right now, my knees
are knocking!”

Next time you fly, try Libertine Airlines,” the
savvy traveler advised a fellow drinker in the айг-
port bar. “They're so full-service that if you press
the right button, a stewardess automatically
drops down onto your face!”

What's this about your breaking off your en-
gagement fast because of the guy's giving you a
ring and its aftermath?” the girl was asked.
“Yes, that's right,” she confirmed. "Although
his diamond was of pretty quality, his
mounting left something to be desired."

А shady young lady named Kay,

When asked by а Georgian at play
Why her nickname uas Dip,
Would reply with a quip:

"Since I spread for you crackers," she'd зау.

Ifthe computer explosion continues, we suppose
it's conceivable that the next depression will find
some of the unemployed selling Apples on street
corners.

Three fraternity brothers were rapping about the
pleasures of sex with older women. "Last
weekend,” related one, “I had a sensational
romp with a thirty-five-year-old nurse!”

“She was only thirty-five?” challenged
another. “Hey, I can remember how great it was
with а forty-year-old librarian!”

“My favorite lay of all,” chimed in the third
brother, “was a mature twenty-three.”

“Why, that’s practically no age difference at
all,” jected one of the others.

"Tt is, too,” insisted the young man, “since I
was only thirteen at the time.”

Our Unabashed Dictionary defines complaining
bum as a whino.

Ive never been to a social orgy before,” muttered
the apprehensive bachelor, "so I’m not sure ГЇЇ
know how to act.”

“Stop worrying about it,” his buddy reassured
him. “You behave just as you would at any other
kind of party—except that instead of mixing, you
stir.”

We know a gullible skin-flick starlet who found
out on the set that the “rugged European per-
former" she'd been promised for her next film
was a German shepherd.

Мо, no!" corrected the girl, reddening, during a
conversation at a noisy party. “What I said was
that most of the guys in my computer club have

floppy disks.

Her sidesaddle progress was slow;

No track tout would rate her a pro.
Said Godiva,"I rode
While the townspeople oh'd

Not to win or to place—but to show!”

Perhaps you've heard about the sexually frus-
trated husband who forced his wife to sit in a tub
full of ice cubes after she'd infully told him
that he could screw her only once іп а blue moon.

Our Unabashed Weight-Lifting Dictionary de-
fines clean and jerk as self-abuse in the shower.

Standing naked in front of the callgirl, the oil ty-
coon boasted, “Аһ come from a big and proud
part of thuh' country, and thuh noble flag of
"Texas will be flyin’ ovah this here bed tonight!”

“Texas may be flying, as you say,” responded
the prostitute, “but Rhode Island there could
sure use a lift.”

I long for the good old days,” said the rugged
economic individualist, “when a man got ahead
because of ambition, hard work and sucking up
to the boss.”

And then there was the admiral who came out of
the closet and replaced the scrambled eggs on the
visor of his uniform cap with quiche.

lical-ethics experts are struggling with the
question of whether ог not it's fitting and proper
for a young male gynecologist to keep looking up
old girlfriends.

Because my client is uncertain which of the two
men with whom she lived concurrently is the
father of her child, Your Honor,” stated the
attorney, “she seeks to combine them as joint de-
fendants in this legal action.”

“So what she is really filing, then,
mented a jurist wryly, “is a paternity
two pairs of pants.”

Heard a funny one lately? Send it on а post-
card, please, to Party Jokes Editor, рілуноү,
Playboy Bldg., 919 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago,
Ill. 60611. $50 will be paid to the contributor
whose card is selected. Jokes cannot be returned.

wou

бике

“For everyone's sake, my dear, I hope the gentleman
has been а victim of snakebite.”

ТНЕ
SPREAD

A SPORTING MAN'S
GUIDE TO
COLLEGE FOOTBALL

before you bet against the
points, lake a look at which
teams really hold that line

Shorts By JOHN A. WALSH

“rhe race is not always to the swift, nor
the battle to the strong,” Damon Runyon
wrote, “but that’s the way to bet.” Run-
yon could have been alluding to college
football during the past decade. The
meek may inherit the earth, but in
the college game, the weak don't cover
the spread. The wars will always be won
by those who can put the biggest, quick-
est and most talented youngsters into
pads and helmets.

Although the point spread is supposed
to be the great equalizer—a handicap-
ping system that awards cxtra points to
the squad that is presumed to be weaker
in any given game—a study of the na-
tion’s major college football teams! per-
formances against the spread over the
past ten years shows, among other
things, that the best teams are the best
bets. [Sce box on page 148.] Conversely,
the big losers on the scoreboard have also
been the biggest losers against the num-
bers, It is a sobering fact of college foot-
ball с that Northwestern, Texas
Christian and Virginia haven't been able
to “hold that line” either on the field or
at the local candy store.

Here are some of the bends, trends and
point-spread tendencies of major college
teams over the past ten seasons.

AIR FORCE: Anyone who took a flier on
the fly boys іп "82 was rewarded for h
daring investment. The Falcons were 6-0
against the point spread, 5-0 as under-
dogs. Quite a turnaround for a team that
was 1—2 versus the numbers in 1981 and

28-16-2 the previous nine years.

ALABAMA: It's time to open a new book
on the Crimson Tide. “Bama and Okla-
homa are the only teams that haven't
been underdogs at home the past decade;
the Tide won all three appearances out-
right when getting points. Alabama has
covered in its first game for six consecu-
tive seasons, so the pressure will be on
coach Ray Perkins from the start.

ARIZONA: Coach Larry Smith's incon-
sistent team is 11-2 on the road for the
past three seasons, while the point-
spread mark at home is 2-11. Тім
"Cats would prefer to fight in someone
else's alley.

ARIZONA STATE: The Desert Devils are al-
ways dangerous, but they're overrated іп
their Tempe trap. They are 6-2-1 as
home dogs over the past decade but just
20-20 giving points.

ARKANSAS: It’s easy to get high on the
Hogs. Their over-all mark is 64—46-1
Ever wonder why Razorback fans wear
those funny hats? That's where they keep
all their money. The Hogs are 41-24 at
home vers the line. But st:
the Razorbacks when the eyes of Texas
are upon them. They've covered only
three of their past ten cucounters against
the Longhorns.

army: You can kiss the Black Knights
of the Hudson good night when they play
Navy; the Cadets are 2-8 versus the
points in the last (еп meetings with the
Middies. During the past decade, they are

ers have gone from
money burners to big-time earners under
coach Pat Dye. Auburn has been 18-1
against the line for the past two scasons:
10-2 in 1982, including a season-ending
eight-game winning steak against the
numbers. Looking for a trend? The Ti-
gers have covered four straight against
Alabama.

BAYLOR: The Bears have been bad news
as favorites (10-13-2 at home) but have
been a solid investment getting points in
Waco. Coach Grant Teall's club is
12-6-2 as a dog, including a 5-0-1 mark
in its past six home games.

BOSTON COLLEGE: The Eagles have won
their past four opencrs against the line.
But against Holy Cross they've covered
in just one of their last five games.

BROWN: The Bruins are 12-18 as home
favorites, including a current six-game
losing streak. On the road, they're equal-

clear of

ly inept: 9417-2.
Catch the Bruins as
underdogs (13-7),

especially against Gor-
nell (9-1 in their past
ten meetings).
CALIFORNIA: Four is the
hot number for the boys
from Berkeley. Cal was
1-4 as a dog last season
and 4-1 as a favorite; has
a 4-1-1 mark in its past six
openers; has four straight
wins over nonconference
opponents but is just 4—11
in its last 15 away games.
CLEMSON: Clemson is 18-2
in its past 20 appearances
as a dog, including seven
straight victories. [ts ten-year
mark is 35-16 as an underdog
and its over-all record is an
enormously profitable 6242-2.
However, this point-spread
powerhouse is just 1 in its past
five openers on the board.
COLORADO: At one time, the
rarefied air at home was a big
plus for the Buffaloes; but now, the
only rarity is a win. The team’
17-11 mark as a home favorite
mark built in better days—is the
only thing that keeps the over-all
ledger close to .500, at 43—55-1
COlUNBIA: The Lions are 30-43 getting
points but 3-0 as home favorites. They
do teach patience in the Ivy League.

cornet: The Big
Red bathed its
backers in red ink.
Only in performances as
a favorite on the road has
Cornell been а worth-
while investment (7-4)
DARTMOUTH: Тһе
Green won its final six
spread appearances in 782
and has covered in seven of
its past eight as a favorite at
home. And it’s impressive on
the last day of the season,
хоо (7-3).

DUKE: Known more for medi-
cine than for middle linebackers,
more for point guards than for
pulling guards, Duke should
never be confused with a good bet.
Stay away from the Blue Devils,
especially when they're favored

Big

ley Pell has a reputa-
lion as a strong point-spread coach,
but his first Florida team (0-10-1)
went just 3-8 against the spread. In
1980, Pell rebounded with а 9-1—1 rec-
ord. The past two seasons have been
slightly above 500. The Gators are 12-6
as away dogs over the last decade
FLORIDA state: Thc Scminoles arc 7-2-1
in their past ten outings against the Big
Eight and a perfect, if select, 2-0 against
the Big Ten (both road victories over
Ohio State in Columbus). The Semi-
noles аге 23-17-1 in Tallahassce and

€2 1,

3-1 in their past four bowl appearances.

GEORGIA: My, how these Bulldogs do
bite when they get points (9-1-1 in their
past П outings). Georgia is 124-1 in its
past 17 games on the road and 5-2 in
its past seven openers. The bad news is,
the “Dawgs are 2-5 in their past seven
inst Georgia Tech.

GEORGIA TECH: The Yellow Jackets are
3-6 in their past nine home-dog appear-
ances. As a double-digit underdog, Tech
is 2-7 in its past nine outings. including a
1-3 mark in `82.

HARVARD: When the Johnnies leave the
Yard for their first road game each
son, they take it to the books. Coach Joe
Restic’s Crimson team is 9-І in its road
openers over the past decade and 23-13
overall away from Cambridge. lt is,
however, 2-5 in its last seven games
against Yale.

Houston: Once a solid point-spread
team, the Cougars have slumped against
the line in the past two years (6-1
cluding 2-8 in 1982). Upsid
5—2 in bowl games since '73. Downside:
Thev're 0-5 in their past five games
against nonconference opponents and
1-3 in their last four against Texas.

nunoss: A miserable point-spread team
on the rise under pass-happy coach Mike
The Fighting Illini are 5-10 in
their past 15 appearances as home dogs
and closed 782 with three point-spread
wins. But it’s a long climb up from a ten-
year mark of 12-18-1 as home favorites.

INDIANA: Coach Lee Corso was better
with one-liners than on the side lines.
The team’s ten-year mark is 16-18 as a
home dog, but the Hoosiers have covered
just two of their past ten. A bright spot is
а 7-3 mark in Indiana’s past ten games
against Purdue

iowa: The Hawl
point-spread team,
straight times against Michigan State.

IOWA STATE: The Cyclones have lost four
of their last five as home dogs but һа
covered four of five against Iowa and
have won their past four openers on the
board.

KANSAS: The Jayhawks have covered
six of their past eight appearances as
home underdogs. But Jayhawk goodbyes
are not good buys: Kansas has failed to
cover the spread in four of its past five
finales.

KANSAS STATE: The Wildcats аге 14-32--%
against the spread on the road, though

єз, a nondescript
have covered four

last year's spread record was 7-3.

KENTUCKY: These Wildcats have suffered
through three consecutive losing seasons
against the points, including 2-9 in '82
апа a 5-13-2 mark in their past 20 road
games.

LOUISIANA STATE: The Tiger Den is just
another overrated home field. The Ben
gals are 33-284 versus the spread
their Baton Rouge lair over the past dec-
adc. Despite a 3-1 road record last sea-
son, the Fighting Tigers are 16-28 awa:
from home, Upside: The Tigers have
covered in their past three bow! games.

MARYLAND: Slow and steady wins the
race, and that’s been the case with this
band of turtles (Terrapins, if you will).
Bolstered by 8-2-1 mark under the
first-year guidance of coach Bobby Ross,
the Terps improved their top-ranked
record ainst the points to 6441-5.
y ts past ten gamı
away from home, including 5-0 in 78)
The record at home is 30-15-1 over the
past decade.

мдм: The Hurricanes have become a
good point-spread team (18-14-2) under
Howard Schnellenberger. but their ten-
r record is still below .500 (43—54—2).
True to the recent wend. Miami has
covered seven of its past eight finales and
is 4-0-1 in its past five outings as a
road dog.

MICHIGAN: Coach Bo takes a lot of heat
for his ineffectiveness іп big games, but
his Wolverines are consistently one of the
finest point-spread teams in the land.
November is their sweetest month; they
are 18-5 in their past 23 November
games. The Wolverines are also 7-
their past ten games against Ohio $
but they're 2-6 in their past eight bowl
games.

MICHIGAN STATE: The Spartans were а
‘Jekyll-and-Hyde team іп '82 against the
line: 0-4—1 in East Lansing, 4-1-І on the
road. They're 6-2-1 in their past nine
dog showings on the road and 18-10-3
during the past decade.

MINNESOTA: The Golden Gophers ha
ended their past seven regular seasons
ith point-spread losses to Wiscons
They're 9-21 as road underdogs over the
past decade. Upside: Lou Grant used to
love to bet on the Gophers when getting

s at home—and he got rich.
"They're 13-8-1 in that role.

Mississippi: The Rebels, who have been

rebuilding (continued оп page 148)

modern living By GARY WITZENBURG
OK, the thrill is back. The decade of dullness has come and
gone. Cars are exciting and driving is fun again. Show-
rooms across the country are overflowing with high-output
Camaros, Firebirds and Mustangs, twin-cam Supras, turbo
T-birds and Z-cars, STEs, 944s, Quattros, Corvettes. . . .
The bad news is that you can’t touch one of those for less
than ten grand, and many go for $15,000 or more. Some for
much more. Cheer up, leadfoot. There's a new breed of
machine in the land: the pocket rocket—your basic econ-
omy sedan or coupe with a massive horsepower and

POCKET

comin’ at ya! pint-sized

handling transfusion. It’s inexpensive to buy, economical
to run and more fun than a swimming pool full of Play-
mates. (Well, almost.) General Motors’ Chevrolet division
gets credit for designing the American-market pocket rock-
et by dropping a high-output V6 engine into its Citation
X-car three years ago and calling it an X-11. Soon, the Pon-
tiac, Oldsmobile and Buick divisions followed suit with
Н.О. V6-powered Phoenix, Omega and Skylark X-cars of
their own. But the class was redefined for 1983 when Volks-
wagen of America let loose its four-cylinder Rabbit СТІ, а
domestic version of the parent (continued on page 200)

ROCKETS

cars with plenty of poke

Slip into the pockets of one of these rockets and you'll Бе knee-
deep in thunder, storming up ond down the fast lone. Nissan's
new Pulsar NX (far left) keeps pulses ropid with turbocharged
tumult thot kicks in at 3000 rpm and leans toward the infinite
from there. Beat any tortoise by more than о hore in Volks-
wagen's special Rabbit GTI (middle left), which flashes features
sure to turn any slow evening into о speed-seeking night of the
lepus. Pontiac's 2000 Sunbird SE (center) is a super J-car that
will soon be sitting in о showroom—but not for long. Dodge's
Shelby Charger (middle right), Lee lacocco's new boby, may not

be as fast as it feels, but hardly anything is. Its other parent is
Corroll Shelby, who designed the famous Shelby Cobras and
Mustangs. This Charger takes turns better than its predecessors,
looks about os striking as anything on the rood and goes from О
to 60 almost before you can say 0 to 60. (All of these cars will
do that, in fact, unless you're an ouctioneer.) Last is Ford's EXP
Turbo, а high-performonce cousin of the Escort that’s just about
the quickest American auto you con buy for less than ten grond.
Ford's engineers may have erred in making the EXP Turbo look
so good. The speed they put in it just blurs the effect. Vroooom!

эе эзе Cia. s tue н с сс

í ER LW II (М
"ту DAE !
(үйө

f \ 15

The Status Symbol of the Eighties!
Face //--би/е Techno-llliterate!!!

By PETER A. McWILLIAMS

if youre one of the millions who are baffled by all
this computer stuff, have we got good news for you

rs ALL GOING too fast. Eight years ago,
personal computers didn't exist. Two
years ago, there was little or no public
awareness of them. And then, sudden-
ly, in the past year, boom! Computer
books, computer articles, computer rec-
ords, computer shows, computer classes,
computer ads and, inevitably, computer
cocktail-party conversation. Never have so
mai

written so much about so little.
One writer Гус rcad says that personal

computers are the most important
tion since the discovery of fire. Another
writer disagrees: Personal computers are
the most significant event, evolutionarily
speaking, since man fell out of the trees. I
have yet to read that personal computers
are the most important step since our
ancestors crawled onto dry land or since
one-celled animals learned to divide, but
I'm sure that's just because I'm behind in
my reading.

Personal computers, I find, are the most
important thing to happen to humanity
since television. Small computers today
are where television sets were 1948,
where automobiles were in 1905 and where
telephones were in 1880. Available; invalu-
able to some, of limited use to most;
adored by the younger generation, feared
by the older; and, undeniably, the wave of
the future.

But the wave of information being
scminated about computers is no gently
lapping one; it’s a tidal wave, producing as
much misinformation and misunderstand-
ing as it docs information and under-
standing.

People use computer terms they aren't
quite sure about and are ncver corrected
because the people they're talking to aren't
quite sure about them, either. After repeat-
ing misinformation a few times, one tends
to accept it as truth.

All this takes me back to the carly Six-
ties, when my friends and I were strug-
gling to learn about what were then called
The Facts of Life. There wasn't much—to
use a computer term—hands-on expe
ence available to the average 14-year-old,
so we read a lot.

А few of us found circa-1940 marriage-

and-family manuals that our parents had
used and forgotten long ago. There were
no photographs, and trying to learn about
sex from the anatomical drawings was like
trying to learn how to operate a stereo
from a schematic diagram.

There was, of course, PLAYBOY. but we
were too young to buy it. We carefully
searched alleys for discarded back issues.
There were few. Millions of copies were
distributed every month. What were
people doing with them? (We were a
naive group.) The few copies of PLAYBOY we
could find were months and sometimes
years old. We were terribly afr; that
something had been discovered and we
had missed it.

As we were reading about sex rather
than hearing about it, we often failed to get
the pronunciations right. We would have
deep, meaningful discussions about organ-
isms, contraptives and lesbanians. (I was
33 before I learned that clitoris does not
rhyme with Lavoris.)

How I wished that some book or article
or TV show or skywriting exhibition or
something would start at the beginning and
take me, in plain English, through the
basics of sex. (ОГ course, if that had hap-
pened, I don’t know what my friends and I
would have talked about all those years.
Em sure the intense intellectual pol
and prodding had an effect upon our |
The member of our group who discovered
the difference between an organism and an
orgasm became a doctor, and another be-
came an investigative reporter.)

PLaynoy never did publish such a nuts-
and-bolts sex manual, but it’s not too late
to do it for computers. By reading this and
the next two issues, you'll be able to learn
s much about computers as the average
12-year-old knows, and all the while, you
ш at the pictures.

"This month, we'll look at what personal
computers are; next month, we'll examine
what they do; and the following month,
we'll tell you how to select and purchase
the right one for your specific needs.

.

То begin with, personal computers аге

just The misconception that

ves

can pretend to be lool

computers fhink—and that as they get
smarter and smarter, theyll somehow take
over our lives as Hal the computer took
over the spaceship in 200J—has caused
no little fear among the general public.
The fact is, computers no more think than
tape recorders talk or phonographs sing.
Personal computers are simply the latest
technological goody in a line of technolog-
ical goodies (clectric lights, telephones,
phonographs, automobiles. airplanes,
radios, movies, television sets, Veg-o-mat-
ics) that have, in the past 100 ycars,
changed the face of the earth,

Lei ake a look at the machi elf. In
the process, ГЇ provide you with a crash
course in conversational computerese, an
idiom intricate enough to qualify as the
world's 297th language. The United N.
tions already provides translators fluent in
it to various delegations, and Berlitz is
offering a basic computerese course on са5-
sette tape. After reading this article, you'll
be able to trade jargon with some of the
best computer salespeople in town; and
most of the time. you'll even know what
the other guy is talking about.

The heart of any computer is known as
the processor. A processor sorts and re-
sorts information at a very high speed.
(Its the phenomenal speed of computers
that gives the illusion of thought, just as
the speed with which still pictures change
оп a movie screen gives the illusion of mo-
tion.) This repeated sorting is known as
processing. Hence, the sorting of words is
word processing, the sorting of data is data
processing and so on.

In the old days (the Forties), processors
used vacuum tubes and filled entire rooms.
Then transistors replaced tubes and a
miniprocessor could fit in a single room.
"Then silicon chips replaced transistors and
soon you could hold a microprocessor in
the palm of your hand. More importantly,
you could build a computer around a mi-
croprocessor that could fit on a desk,
and microcomputers were born. Micro-
processors are also known as C.P.U.s,
for central processing units. 1 have vet to
hear, however, of P.P.U.s, for peripheral
processing units, though I'm sure some

19

PLAYBOY

lexicographer of computerese will invent
it soon.

Microprocessors are fast but simple-
minded. They know only two things: on
and off. Like all machines, computers are
good at black/white, yes/no, open/closed.
They're not good at shades of gray, maybe
tomorrow, a little bir open but not quite
closed. (Humans, on the other hand, prefer
the gradations of life, which is why many
people feel uncomfortable in the presence
of computers and religious fanatics.)

This makes the binary system of num-
bers invaluable to computers. It’s a system
of counting that has only two symbols, 0
and 1. (The system we're used to is the
decimal system, which has ten symbols: 0
through 9.) With the symbols 0 and I, the
binary system can represent any number,
though it takes up more room and is more
cumbersome to work with than the deci-
mal system. (In binary, “277 is “ПОП,
for example.)

Because processors are so fast, their
cumbersomeness is not noticed. The com-
puter translates from decimal into binary,
does its work in binary and translates the
answer back into decimal so fast it seems
instantancous. (In working with a person-
al computer, by the way, you'll never know
that this binaryness is going on.)

To process words, cach character of lan-
guage is simply assigned a number. To
process music, the audio spectrum is di
vided into 50,000 slices, and the intensity
of cach slice is assigned a number from 0 to
65,000. This gives an accurate representa-
tion of the sound at a given moment in
time. Play those moments back one alter
another and you have music, sort of. In
this way, the computer reduces the mas-
ters of literature and music to 0 and 1.

"This 0-or-] choice is the smallest
ment of computers. It's known as а bit,
The more bits a processor can handle
simultaneously, the more powerful the
processor. Most small computers have
ght-bit processors. Many have 16-bit
ones. Somewhere оп the personal-
computer horizon is a 32-bit processor.
(I'm not sure personal computers need 16-
or 32-bit processors, but some old fogies at
the turn of the century didn't think that
cars would ever need heaters or head-
lights.)

А byle is eight bits, which is enough to
represent a single letter, number or punc-
tuation mark. A kilobyie is 1024 bytes.
Kilobyte is abbreviated simply К. Each
gencration has its measurements to brag
about: In the Fifties, it was horsepower; in
the Sixties, micrograms; in the Seventies,
inches. In the Eighties, its Ks.

“My computer has sixty-four K.”

"What's a К?”

SI don't know, but my computer has
sixty-four of them.”

‘To understand the amount of informa-
tion in a K, imagine an 8/7" x П" sheet of

псге-

129 Paper, typewritten, double spaced, with

margins. The amount of information
such a page is two К. Kilobytes are used to
measure various forms of memory on per-
sonal computers. Bits are used to measure
the power of microprocessors.

While some silicon chips (silicon, by the
way, is just a fancy word for glass) were
designed for processing information, other
chips were developed to remember what
had been processed. (Microprocessors are
fast, but they can’t seem to remember
what it was they did so fast.)

The two kinds of memory chips used in
personal computers are RAM and ROM.
RAM is an acronym for random-access
memory, and ROM stands for read-only
memory.

ROM is a chip that contains informa-
tion that cannot be changed. It’s like a
phonograph record. The C.P.U. can play
{or read) information from that chip as
often as it wants. It cannot, however, re-
cord (or write) information onto that chip.
(Hence, read-only memory.)

RAM is like a cassette tape. You can re-
cord information on it and play back
formation from it. You can crase, alter,
take from or add to RA any time you
like. You have random access to this

memory.

RAM is also

known as user
programmable memory. Гуе never seen it
abbreviated U.P.M., nor have ] ever
heard ROM referred to as manufacturer-
programmable memory (M.P.M.). The
Noah Webster of computerese is obviously
asleep at the dip switch. (A dip switch, іп
case you're wondering, is one of many
switches found inside personal computers
that are so small they require the point ofa
pencil to flip them. Why it is called a dip
switch and not a microswitch, I will never
know. I also do not know who put the dip
in the dip da dip da switch any more than
I know who put the RAM in the rama
lama ding dong. My ignorance about
computers is boundless.)

The amount of memory RAM can hold
at any one time ranges from one kilobyte
to 1000 kilobytes, and larger memories are
forthcoming. As you may have guessed,
1000 kilobytes has a name: onc megabyte.
Most personal computers have 16K, 32K,
18K, 64K, 128K or 256K of RAM.

RAM, while more versatile than ROM,
has a tragic flaw: Once electric current
stops flowing through it, RAM forgets ev-
erything it ever knew. ROM, on the other
hand, remembers everything, power or no
power, indefinitely. This poses a problem if
you want to store the processed informa-
tion when it comes time to turn the com-
puter off

The solution? Most personal computers
today use some form of magnelic medium.
These generally come in the form of tapes
and disks.

‘The tapes used in personal computers
are the standard cassette tapes that the

record industry is blaming all its troubles
оп. When a cassette recorder is connected
to a computer, it will record and play back
computer impulses just as it records and
plays back musical impulses when
attached to a stereo set. Cassette tapes,
while inexpensive, аге limited. The re-
winding and fast-forwarding necessary to
read and write information at various por-
tions of the tape are time consuming, and
the possibility of error when you're using
tapesis far greater than when you're using
disks. Further, cassette tapes hold less in-
formation than disks.

Disks come either floppy or hard, in sizes
from three and a half to eight inches.
They're circles of plastic or metal covered
with the same brown garden-hoe-variety
rust (iron oxide) as tapes.

Disks spin like phonograph records,
though much faster. The playback and re-
cord head (called a read/write head) moves
across the disk like the arm on a turntable,
and it can go quickly from one spot on the
disk to another.

Floppy disks are circles of flexible plas-
tic enclosed іп а square, protective card-
board covering. The entire square goes
into the computer's disk drive, and the
computer has access to the disk through a
hole in the center ofthe square and an oval
slit on one or both sides.

Information 15 recorded on floppy disks

n circles known as tracks. Each track is di-
led into sectors. When twice as many
tracks are squeezed onto one side of a disk,
the disk has double density. When rcad/
write heads are on both sides of a disk, the
disk is double sided. The combination of
those two features is (logically, for once)
called double-sided double density.

Floppy disks on personal computers
come па a half inch-
es, five and a quarter inches and eight
inches. The five-and-a-quarter-inch disk is
the most popular. Each disk holds 71K to
2400K (2.4 megabytes) of information.
For greater storage, greater speed or both,
one usually goes to a hard disk.

A hard disk is a platter of metal on
which a layer of iron oxide has been
bonded. The rapid spinning of the disk
(about 30 revolutions per second) creates a
breeze. The read/write head floats above
the disk on this breeze. Because there is no
head friction and because the disk spins so
quickly, hard disks store and retrieve
formation several times faster than floppy
disks, Hard disks also hold more informa-
tion. The smallest holds five megabytes
(5000K) of information, and they go up
from there, Naturally, they cost more than
floppies.

Another type of magnetic medium used
in а few personal computers is bubble mem-
оту. This incorporates the best features of
both ROM and RAM: You can manipulate

(continued on page 204)

three sizes: three

"It's amazing! Before we became а protected
species, I was the only one left!"

proof positive that single-malt
scotches, aged rums, full-bodied
bourbons and racy liqueurs are
the wild calls of the day

WHEN AN UNPRETENTIOUS Manhattan chop-
house mounts 20 single-malt whiskies on
its back bar, aged vintage Armagnacs
appear on the shelves of the neighborhood
liquor stores and racy new liqueurs seem
to bloom every day, people in the gusto lane
see the handwriting on the wall. What all
that says is welcome to a new era of taste.

Malt whisky illuminates the return to
flavor. For years, this unblended, undi-
luted whisky—the original Scotch—was
virtually unknown here. Then two High-
land malt brands— The Glenlivet and
Glenfiddich—surfaced, tentatively testing
the market. Today, there are upwards of
40 single malts in the States, in a range of
styles, maturities and intensities—includ-
ing a Macallan 1964 vintage that spent 17
years in the wood. The distillers were un-
prepared for the interest in these rich, full-
bodied Scotches. Some elected to go back
into the market, repurchasing single malts
they had previously sold to blenders—and
paying hefty prices for the privilege.

The blueprint is similar, though not as
dramatic, for other spirits. Bourbon
Started life as a full-flavored whiskey, often
sold at 100 proof or thereabouts. These
days, liquor-store shelves are crowded
with labels at (concluded оп page 172)

PHOTOGRAPHY BY FRANCIS GIACOBETTI

а=
БУЕ

Gr

а eS аже

drink

EMANU

LG

SG

the world's finest

sports impressionist
celebrates three decades of
dazzling the public eye

Whether it wos Willie Mays's tope-measure
cut (cbove) or Steve Garvey's bullish con-
sistency (left), Neiman wos there to put his
mork an the moment. There's something to
be said for being the first sports artist, but
mast of Neimon's laurels were for being best.

Ar
color ane

кс

ER of it all is the blending of

back, bludgeons one more left
fast ball through a ripple of yellow
goodbye. A tennis player, wrong-
footed, spins his Nikes back to the cor-
ner he just left. The ball is dving; he

the sky with red as 20,000 leaping spec-
tators blend into a froth of colors.
“The close-up expressions and emo-
tions and attitudes—the strai
maces, grunts, the physicali
sport—this is my natural preserv
says LeRoy Neiman in Winners, his rec-
ollection of 30 years of patrolling that
preserve. He was the first serious artist
to become first and foremost a sports
artist. His familiar face, vivid haber-
dashery and inimitable brushery have
made him one of a handful of artist
celebri His style is recognized by
millions, some of whom knew nothing
about art—or knew nothing about

The artist found a grunting dignity in the
flash ofa first serve over grass (above), and
the 1976 Olympics mano-à-mono іп Mon-
treal's Forum (left) sent Neiman to the can-
vas. “The Yanks [were] shaped in Ali's
mold,” he recalls. Wasn't this one left-out?

sports—before he came along.

Neiman has done most of what he set
out to do in sports. He plans to concen-
trate on other kinds of motion now, but
that doesn’t mean he thinks he has |
been wasting paint. “Having never
thought sports too banal to paint
seriously,” he says, “1... am not reluc
tant to feel proud of having brought art,
through sports, into the lives of count-
less people who wise not
have been exp

It’s no coincidence that Neiman i
celebrating 30 years in the public eye at
almost the same time we аге. He and.
PLAYBOY grew up together. Back in
1954, when his brushes’ bristles were
longer than those in his "stache, he
toiled as an instructor at the School of
the Art Institute of Chicago. Hugh
Hefner, a friend with a new magazine.
thought the Neiman trompes deserved
a l'ocil following. Since then, as maga-
ine and artist have grown in stature
ad popularity, the friendship has

127

Neiman calls Wilt Chamberlain (above left)
“a perfect, modern-day El Greco model.” A
Jets-Broncos game he saw in 1961 (above),
an the ather hand, was a model of panic
At left is a Neiman Christmas card dane
for those same Jets. ‘Twas a down year.

continued. Neiman's work for LAVROV
has helped make him the highest-paid
living artist, and he's done more
PLAYBOY artistry than anyone else. Even
the Femlins that adorn our Party Jokes
pages аге his.

Winners: My Thirty Years in Sports
sells for $85, which sounds steep until
you consider that the works reproduced
in it would cost $5,000,000 to
$10,000,000 if you could buy all of
them, which you can’t, But why now,
LeRoy? You've been at this since Her-
schel Walker, whose shoulders fill a
page in your book, was a negative eight
years old. Why state the casc now?

“Not young cnough for theory nor
poor enough to be bitter nor old enough
to reflect,” runs the artist's litany, “I
welcome the idea of putting my body of
work in the realm of sports on the
record myself, rather than leaving it en-
tircly to the care of others whose affec-
tion for this playpen of games may not
be as strong or as enduring as my own.”

Greg Louganis, awosh in o sea of sky, hov-
ers o beat before plunging poolward at the
1976 Montreal Olympic Games. "Lougonis
stole the show for anatomical impressive-
ness" said Neiman. Jennifer Chondler
(inset) disploys her fluid motion, too.

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ч -
ғ” іме ج‎
УУ.
2-4,

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20 QUESTIONS: JOE PISCOPO

hello, everybody. the story? eddie murphy. frank sinatra. princess di? clown paintings?
the wife. the kid. doing dishes? cleaning the counters? sex? the real story?

ontributmg Editor David. Кепут fol-

lowed "Saturday Night Live's" rubber-
faced funnyman Joe Piscopo around 30
Rockefeller Center with one burning ques-
lion. Says Rensin, "From the 'S.N.L.' sel lo
осу dressing room to wardrobe to his office, 1
had to know: If the name Piscopo were а
verb, what would il mean? Piscopo didn't
know but later revealed. that his surname
meant bishop in Greek. What follows, then, is
also а "20 Questions’ with Joey Bishop.”

ib

PLAYBOY: Describe in intimate detail the
sexual habits of the new Saturday Night
Live cas
viscoro: I don’t know about their outside
habits, but we do have these orgies every
Saturday about 11:15 pat. to loosen up (ог
the show. It's usually in Eddie [Murphy]’s
dressing room. It’s exciting. We're all
pretty wild. The lamb, however, goes a li
tle crazy.

2.

PLAYBOY: What's the funniest thing that
happens to you during sex?

мзсоро: Oh, Jeez. I don't believe in
ing about my sex life with my wife. I can't
stand guys who walk around saying t
like [very heavy New York-construction-
worker accent], “Holy shit, 'm horny! I
think ГЇЇ go fuck the shit out of my wife.
You know, she was sitting on my face last
night and it was fuckin’ great. The phone
rang, but I let it go, because it was really
fuckin’ great. Unbelievable. Fucked the
shit out of her. Hey, when’s the last time
you fucked your wife up the ass?” People
who say that should be shot. But you hear
it all the time, right? I think too much of
my to put those things in print.

3.

т.лувоу: OK, then, when did your person-
al sexual routine become guilt-free?

wiscoro: Гуе never been guilt-free about
sex. I'm Catholic, You sure you don’t
want me to talk about my comedy routine?
OK. I had a sexual routine carly on, in my
cocky-asshole days. We all tried to be so
cool about sex. [Smooth voice] “Hey, baby,
everything's fine, baby. You feel me inside
you, baby.” But then you get close to
orgasm and—arrgghh!—you totally lose
it. Happens every time. Now 1 even feel
awkward talking about sex. Гуе been mar-
ried for ten years. Гус been perfectly
straight. Plus, my in-laws will be reading

PHOTOGRAPHY BY BENNO FRIEDMAN

this. I feel funny. Shy. Embarrassed.
one’s ever asked me these questions before.
Sex was never really a major reason for my
existence, anyway. Once in a while, I just
jumped into the sack; Гус done my share
of playing around. But mostly, emotional
relationships turned me on. 1 know Pm
ruining my reputation as an Italian. My
relatives are all saying, “What is he over
here? A faggot?” Maybe it was fear or
something, but ifa woman came on to me,
it was a turnoff, 1 lost all respect. 1 was
brought up very Italian. The woman you
marned and your mother had to be perfect
angels. At times, I think of myself as
macho. But when we talk about this, 1 get
real shy. I think underneath it all. Pm very
sensitive

а

в.лувоу: What's the
being a regular guy?
riscoro: It stands in the way of being fun-
ny. Keeping up the drive is tough. 1 don't

ave that rapid-fire, hard edge all thc
time. Eddie is the only person I know who
is regular ала has that quick comedy. You.
have to have a little anger inside to do
that. Гус had a wonderful life. Michael
O'Donoghue once said I was the guy who
would blow away the family, the nut who
would hold the neighborhood hostage, be-
cause I was so regular.

5

т.луноу: Is your wide range of impressions
a skill or a sickness?

miscoro: Lots of people who do impressions
are weird. 1 refer to what I do as "charac-
ters.” I relate "impressions" to Vegas, and
Pm so afraid that when Saturday Night is
over, ГЇ see JOE PISCOPO ІУ ANDY ROONEY on
some Vegas marquee. If I do а cha
well, like Letterman or Rooney

then it’s an impression, Otherwise,
tra, Koppel, Rather, McMahon,
man—they’re just inexact

ughest thing about

Hart-
characters.
People see my Sinatra and know it’s still

me. | prefer it that way, because you can
sometimes really get lost behind those im-
pressions. It’s scary. When I learn a char-
acter, I literally live with video tapes of
him for weeks. My wife becomes a widow.
She shoves food in front of me. 1 go home
at one or two in the morning, and right
away I put on the tapes. Then it’s fast for
ward, freeze frame, reverse, forward, ove
and over. Then I make an audio tape of
my voice and play it again and again in the

car. I watch more video tape at work be-
fore I write the piece. About the only thing
I don't do is tape the characterization be-
forehand to see if it’s right. I do it cold in
dress rehearsal. And through itall, I get to
know those people better than anyone. I
look into their eyes. I know this sounds
bizarre, but somehow 1 can see that the
people I do are OK. Jerry Lewis, when I
do the nutty professor. Even Reagan, Of
course, I haven't done Nixon yet, so I'm
not entirely sure.

6.

riavwoy: Did you have any second
thoughts about doing Tom Snyder after
Dan Aykroyd had made that impression
famous on the original Saturday Night?

tiscovo: 1 cannot fell vou how tough it was
just replacing the first cast. Га walk down
the street and someone would say, "Hey,
Saturday Night, right?” Ud say, “Yeah.
Неа say, “You suck!” When I was asked
10 do Snyder, I thought they were crazy.
But I was told not to worry. So the first
time, I put a little twist on it and did a
Spanish Tom Snyder. They gave me a thin
mustache. On the newscast, we said,
“Tom is trying to boost his ratings by hit-
ting the Hispanic audience." [Breaks into
rapid-fire Spanish and ends with Snyder
laugh] It worked really well. Then, Eddie
wanted to do Gumby and needed a setup.
Snyder was almost off the air at that point,
and someone suggested 1 do The Uncle
Tom Show. Y had a big bow tie, still had the
sarete and had Gumby as the guest.
“Good morning, boys and girls. How the
hell are you? Ha, ha, ha. Shel’s over there,
and he was drinking all night, ha, ha, so if
the camera wiggles, don't worry about it,
OK? Ha, ha." When Snyder was finally off.
the air, we did him straight-out in his hotel
room, holding a Teddy bear. It was a well-
written sketch and it showed, sensitively,
the wi BG had just said, “Well, Tom,
thanks but no thanks." It took my doing
all three before I finally stopped feeling
self-conscious about following Aykroyd.

Hs

rLaynov: Why does America have а sneak-
ing suspicion that David Letterman is
neither as hip nor as happy as he would
like us to believe?

PISCOPO: It’s exactly that quality іп Letter-
man that appeals to me most. I can't stand
people who walk around saying, “Life is
great. How (continued on page 178)

131

-

zt J^

A ROCK ШІ "Т ш эш THE BE

in red-satin shorts and lobsi
this band is living, ксл с
grow ир апа still get down

to the wits name and the rest off

-, Gabby, myself and Drew, though _
wW wasn’t wi s yet, Pablo still |
shout back, “Glo-ria!”

different. The sound was e more stri
than the stomping, alligatoring and table-danci
noises that sometimes accompany our music. |
We didn't stop, though the dE pi
briefly їп the building—a three-story di
called Latham House
Dh front of us, the

PLAYBOY

134

was wired. They thrashed, screamed,
threw things at the walls. From behind the
band, a veil of plaster exploded across the
room. A partier wielding a sledge hammer
struck repeatedly at the wall in the back
room, the head of his hammer appearing
every few moments above Gabby's amp.
Someone on the dance floor grabbed a gar-
bage can by its handles and pounded on
the stairway banister, splintering spindles.
A dancer struck randomly at bookshelves
and at doors with a floor lamp. And then
we felt the dorm shudder again.

Аз we packed up, the destruction con-
tinued. This was, after all, a farewell party,
a demolition ball, According to the dorm’s
social chairman, Latham House was sched-
uled to be razed by the university some-
time soon. Forty-two men lived in the
building, and most of them were there
now, destroying. Mike, who would join
the band a year later boardisi
had lived in Latham House as а sopho-
more. Former Senator George McGovern
had lived there as a history major in the
Forties. The building was 100 years old
and storied, but its time was at hand, and
we had been paid $150 to play its dirge.

Three days later, Berler called, nearly
hysterical:

“Did you sce the papers?” he screamed.

1 had. News of the party had made
headlines. LAST BLAST CLEARS DORM,
read the Chicago Sun-Times. “DORM HASH
rites NUS BRASS,” read the Chicago Daily
News. It had taken the press 72 hours to
get wind of the party, but now it was hard
оп the case.

In the Daily News, photos of the carnage
ran above a story that estimated damage
to the house at about $10,000 and stated,
“It might have been better if the NU
Wildcats had held a daylong scrimmage
inside Latham.” Another story noted that
the worst damage done to the building was
the weakening of the main support beams
in the basement. That explained the shud-
ders. While we were doing Gloria, some-
one had been below us swinging an ax.

Latham House had been declared un-
safe, ready for collapse. The residents had
already been evacuated. In fact—and this
was the ominous part—the university
hadn't even been planning to tear down
the dorm. At the end of the school ycar, the
building was to be sold. not demolished.

“Oh, Jesus,” said Berler. “If they
out it was us playing е
finished." His voice, so loud on Satisfaction
d In the Midnight Hour, was faltering
now. “I knew something was wrong when
they had all those tools with them,”
he said.

Perhaps we were in jeopardy; it was
hard to tell. Although none of the band
members was in school anymore, six of us
had gone to Northwestern—and we knew
there were precedents for suing rock
groups for destructive behavior, Before he
died, hadn't Keith Moon routinely had his

wages garnisheed by most of the major
American hotel chains?

‘Two hours later, Berler called back. He
5 smug, slightly neurotic, normal
“It’s simple,” he said. “We confess.”

He wanted me to ask what he meant, so
I did.

“We call the Chicago papers and tell
them we did it,” he explained. "Every-
thing. The Del-Crustaceans drove the stu-
dents to mayhem. We make the front page:
"THE BAND THAT DESTROYS BUILDINGS.’ They
can’t sue us; we don't own anything.
They can't expel us; we're out of school.
They wouldn't throw us in jail мете
alumni. This is our break.”

It seems strange to me now, remember-
ing how close we came to doing what Ber-
ler suggested and going for that break. In
fact, we did call one of the papers, but the
reporter we asked for was out, and the
plan slowly dicd.

In the next weeks, Latham House resi
dents came forth and confessed; fines were
paid; some students quit or were thrown
out of school; the papers lost interest.
Latham House was bulldozed. A Burger
King now stands over its remains.

Although this occurred in 1972, some-
thing about the incident still seems com-
pelling to me today. It was, after all. years
before punk, before disco, even. I remem-
ber the feeling of power I had as the build-
ing came apart to our music. And I know
that somewhere in there, amid the chaos,
the blend of alcohol, sweat, fear, fantasy,
brotherhood and electronic amplification
e sounds, lies the essence оГ
"n roll, of what has kept the Del-
Crustaceans together long after we should
have given it up.

wi

.

We aren't any good. То һе honest, qual-
ity is not an issue here. And yet, it's the
first thing people always want to know—
“Are you guys any good?” Actually, it
may be the second, the first being what

ind of music we play. Well, we play rock

‘w roll—Sixuies эгиш, mostly, party songs,
the best ever made. Our repertoire consists
mainly of four-chord songs, three-chord
songs, even a couple of twos—2/20 South
Michigan Avenue and Not Fade Away come
lo mind—and one remarkable one-
chorder, Land of 1000 Dances, by Cam
bal & the Headhunters, You'll remember
that one—21 “Nas in a row by Cannibal,
then 21 more by the Headhunters,
followed by “You gotta know how to
pony / You gotta bony maroney;" etc.

P.J. owns Cannibal & the Headhunt-
ers’ only album, and in the liner notes, it
says that Cannibal, who grew up in the
Los Angeles chicano ghetto with the rest of
the Headhunters (described in the notes as
a social club). named himself Cannibal be.
cause he liked it and because he was born.
with “no given name.” That's nice. It is
the stuff of rock "n' roll. Another member
of the Headhunters is named Scar Lopez.

"Fhat's also nice. It appeals to us because
it's scuzzy and low-down and, in а basic
socioethnic way, everything we are not.
‘There are philosophers who teach systems
predicated on a constant striving for the
opposite, and without making too much of
a form of thought pretty remote from loud
guitars, there scems to be a lot of that
involved in rock 7 roll. The low-downs
use rock to rise up. The higher-ups use it
to get down.

There are seven of us іп the Del-
Crustaceans, and we are all white, proper,
middle-to-upper-middle class youngish
men with decent if not ecstatic childhood
memories and “regular” full-time careers.
We cut a record two years ago—Kansas
City on one side, Keep on Dancing оп the
other—and as we left the studio, the pro-
ducer said, “Guys, hang on to those day
jobs." We aren't dumb. We have 33 years
of college education among us, including
three masters’ degrees: lead guitarist Drew
in business, bass player Gabby in en-
gineering, singer-dancer Р. J. in advert
ger Berler (who does have a given
с, Ron, which somchow doesn’t prop-
erly describe him and so is seldom used) is
a free-lance writer. Drummer Jack is a
vice-president of a premium sales com-
pany. Keyboardist Mike is ап editor and a
computer programmer. | play rhythm
guitar and write for Sports Illustrated, Four
of the Del-Crustaceans haye wives; Jack is
divorced; Berler still rides his cle
everywhere.

How else can I describe us? As consum-
ers, we are mainstream. We own a total of
three houses, two condos, six cars, ІІ TVs,
two dogs, half a dozen tents, several
thousand record albums, mo guns,
motorcycles or cats. Jack and Mike havc
beards, Drew has a mustache, Gabby's
hair tends to get long. But it's not like
you've got The Dead Kennedys or the
Dickheads working your pool party;
people don’t seem threatened Бу our
presence in their homes. We are products
of the Sixties who believe in a mishmash
of things both right and left, but as a
group, we have no single political perspec-
tive. None of us wants to chuck everything
and shoot for the big time anymore. That
was probably the first sickness we escaped
from. the one that kills more bands than
hing else.

I think back for a minute on my adoles-
сепсе, back to when I first realized that if 1
were to grow and be fulfilled as a man, it
might be more than just cool to play ina
band, it might be essential. I suppressed
that knowledge for quite a while, playing
sports instead. But then it hit me, and I
knew this was something that had to be
dealt with, just as surely as young men
have always had to deal with the desire t0
get laid by cheerleaders or be class presi-
dent. I think the common fantasy of being
a rock-n-roll musician—of earning

(continued on page 164)

а

“I brought you back a little something from the store.”

135

welcome to our rose parade

REDHEADS ARE like other women—only more so. The first thing
you notice is a soft fire around their faces—an auburn halo
that vibrates in high gear. A kind of heat that has nothing to
do with temperature radiates from them like a visual per-
fume: a curious, insistent allure. Redheads come in several
shades and temperaments. For example, there are fiery red-
heads with strong voices and keen wills—Lucille Ball is that
group's acknowledged patron saint. There are fiery redheads
who have their thermostats on permanent simmer—picture
Ann-Margret when she’s not dancing but is dressed as
though she might at any minute transform her hips into a
metronome. There are redheads who look as if they have just
come from a shower and are pink from vigorous towel
drying—Annette O'Toole has part of the franchise on that
look. There are redheads with historical purpose (Elizabeth
1), redheads with social purpose (Margaret Sanger), redheads
with chops (Lizzie Borden). By a happy coincidence of pig-
ment and spark, redheads improve the world around them.

PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD FEGLEY

Above, we show you your basic redhead in the front, back and side positions. Do not be deceived; she differs from your basic non-
redheaded person. She is different underneath. Opposite, more strands of solid evidence that carrottops are remarkably consistent.

©;

Redheads often have eyes in unusual colors, such as green or hazel. They also often have freckles scattered over their skin, like an
incomplete connect-the-dots drawing. Redheads, like strawberries, are often found in close proximity to whipped or ice cream.

In nature, redheads are found either by themselves or in small groups. In Laguna Hills, California, Stephen Douglas has founded
Redheads International Club, whose purpose is to unite all redheads and to promote their pride. So far, 10,000 have joined.

Redheads, for all their alleged and known proclivities, need time
to be alone. They are sometimes a mystery even to themselves.

PLAYBOY

146

If any pro ed
camera beats the
Pentax Super Program,
we'll buy it for you.

Frankly, the chances of finding a
programmed carnera that beats the
new Pentax Super Program in the
features test at ihe right are down-
right nil. We scrutinized and analyzed
every programmed camera sold in

the US.A. today. Not one
measures up to all these
advantages ofthe Super
Program andthe state
of the art now.
No other brand of
programmed camera
gives you these six
ways to shoot: Pro-
grammed, aperture
priority, shutter priority,
metered manual, pro-
* grammed auio flash
e and TTL auto flash. With
j 7 the Pentax Super Program,
you can select the mode that best
Suits your shot. You can change
modes at will. Take the easiest
approach to the perfect picture. Or,
the most creative.

No programmed camera in the
world delivers more information to the
viewfinder. Your eye stays on the shot
while the exclusive LCD digital display
inthe Super Program viewfinder
keeps you informed and in control.

The Pentax Super Programs
1/2000th shutter speed is twice as fast
asany other programmed cameras.

The flash sync is faster, at 1/125th. The
hand-held programmed exposure
range is wider. The advantages of this
state of the art programmed camera
goon. And beyond any other brand of
еа camera on the market.
But if you can find a camera that

meets all and exceeds one or more
features of the Pentax Super Program
listed below, dont be shy. Let us know.
Well send you the retail price of
that camera.

Which you may well spend on a
new Pentax Super Program after all.

Compare other үш cameras with

thenew Ew Pentax uper Program here.

Programmed roomed

Pentax Camera mera Camera
Super Brand: бетеге Вгапа: Brand:
Program Model: Model: Model: Model:
Exposure Modes:
Programmed x
Aperture Priority Va
Shutter Priority Wa
Metered Manual е2
_Programmed Auto Flash м
TTL Auto Flash М 5 1
Соир!еа Metering,
Manual Mode м” c

Viewfinder Data 23
(АП modes combined) Items | 2
БП LCD Viewfinder ” c EES

sa complete this chart wil
Aperture & Shutter Display,

Е EUER eene v ше OPE ofany cnet
ах, 2X, ИХ, ХХ Exposure v and of programme:
Compensation camera sold at retail in
Exposure Compensation the US.A. as of May 1,
inViewünder | 1м U _ | 1983. If you can find a
Light for Viewfinder Display d | camera that meets all
LCD External Readout aul and exceeds one or
Depth of Field Preview М2 more features of the
Metal Shutter їй Pentax Super Program
1/2000th Second = listed here, we'll buv it for
Shutter Speed d - you. (One camera per
Pushbutton Shutter Control wv. жаса lij customer.) Offer expires
Shutter Cocked Indicator A October 31, 1983.
| Magic Needle Film Loading Г м”

Automatic Fast Shutter =a

when Loading d 1 om

Film Motion Indicator. | Ым” Address |

4 МЕЗІ Seran Flash сиу

упс Sper
Flash Distance, Program 23.3 ENT Zip
Mode (ASA/100 Film) ft. bo 0
ture Display in View-

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rogram Body. Warranties. P lo pro-

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PENTAX

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1983 Pentax Corporation, 35 Inverness Drive Englewood, CO £0112.

147

PLAYBOY

148

THE SPREAD ...........

“Under Barry Switzer, the Sooners have been one of the
best bets over the past ten years.”

forever, have been one of the gem point-
spread teams in the country. As an under-
dog, Ole Miss is 13-26-1 away from
home. What’s worse, the Rebs are
3-7 in their past ten games as double-digit

Mississippi STATE: The Bulldogs, at 44—17—
3, aren’t a much better investment than
those Rebels, but coach Emory Bellard has
improved matters. Mississippi State is 9-6
as a home dog, including six of its past
j. It has also covered four
ainst "Bama.

- The Tigers were once "the
giant killers" under Al Onofrio, but the
team is only 20-20 as an underdog over
the past decade. The Tigers have won five
of their last seven games as underdo
though they were 1— on the road in 789

Navy: The Middics arc 8-3- in their
past dozen underdog appearances on the
road.

NEBRASKA: The Cornhuskers, who are
noted blowout specialists, are 51—H—1 as
favorites—;

and that's against some mind-
boggling point spreads. But as underdogs
(which they rarely are), they are 4—4, in-
cluding 2-3 on the road, and arc just 4—6
in their past ten bowl visits.

NORTH CAROUNA: You can usually spot
Tar Heel backers counting their profits
when the Chapel Hill team gets points
Carolina is 20-5 as an underdog during
the past ten years, including ten of its last

11. The Tar Heels are also 5-2 in their past
seven bowl games and have won four
straight against the numbers in nonconfer-
ence games.

NORTH CAROLINA STATE: The Wolfpack has
been a study in consistency. Away from
Raleigh, it has lost nine of its last 12 as an
underdog; but when the Pack has gotten
points at home, it’s won 11 of 15 during the
past decade, including five of its last six.

NORTHWESTERN: The Mildcats won three
games outright in 789, but they remain one
iest marks in the wonderful world
® and underdogs. They have
been, remarkably, double-digit dogs in
their past 15 games. The last time North-
western favored was in 1975.

NOTRE DAME: Amcrica's college team is
55-56— against the line over the past dec-
The h have won five of their last
six openers against the points, including
the last four, and are 4-2 in their last six
bowl visits. Downside: The Irish have
failed to cover in three of their past four
games as home underdogs, and they were
1-5-1 in "82 as favorites.

OHIO STATE: State has cost the home folks
some bucks in recent seasons. The Buck-
eyes have lost nine of their last 13 against
the numbers as home favorites. They were
1-5 in that role last season and lost out-
right three consecutive games in which
they were favored. But catch the Buck-
eyes—if you can—as dogs on the road

ade. г

THE BEST OF BETS, THE WORST OF WAGERS
the top teams on the field are also tops against the spread

FIVE BEST

Team Point-spread Mark Actual Record

WoL T NET WO ELSE CER
Maryland 6 41 5 әз 80 36 2 686
Clemson 62 4 2 +20 7) 39 4 65
Penn State 65 46 ko 1G) 99 0 825
Oklahoma 65 47 3 +18 98 17 Sim BO?
UCLA 61 46 3 +18 79 59 7 74

FIVE WORST

Team Point-spread Mark Actual Record

ү L T NET LENT
Northwestern 80% 729 2 23 І5 8E 1 1:7
TCU 39 60 Ш = 17 90 ee Tee]
Virginia 40 58 2 -18 Ste wa I Erud
Oregon State 407 57 2A y ИЛИ, 92! 2 156
Purdue и 60 3 -16 SUELE

(3-1 over the past decade).

OKLAHOMA: Under Barry Switzer, the
Sooners have been one of the best bets over
the past ten years. Although it must often
give astronomical numbers, Oklahoma is
29-21-2 at home and an even more im-
pressive 4-0-1 іп the rare role of road
underdog.

OKLAHOMA STATE: You can catch the Cow-
boys looking ahead to the Sooners each
season. The Stillwater team is 3-7 over the
past decade in games preceding those
against Oklahoma, but it hasn't helped
much: The Cowboys have covered just two
of their past ten against the Sooners

OREGON: Тһе best thing tbe Ducks have
going for them is Oregon State, against
whom they have covered in six of their
past seven games.

OREGON stare: Last year, the Beavers had
their first winning season against the
points (5—4) since 1974. But these Beavers
are never eager at home, where they’ve lost
ten of their past 14 point-spread decisions.
Go against 'em on the road (23-31-2) as
well.

PENNSYLVANIA: The Quakers are no long-
cr Ivy League door mats, and you can look
for the odds makers to wise up. Penn was
6-2 against the line in 782, including the
games in which it got points. The Quakers
have also won seven of their last eight as
underdogs at home.

PENN STATE. When the Nittany Lions
leave home, they mean business—27-17.
Penn State is solid in bowls, too, going
7-2-1 over the past decade.

PITTSBURGH: Panther backers have hit the
jackpot on the road, where this team is
34-17-1 over the past ten seasons. Do the
Panthers play good defense? Well, take a
peek at these numbers: In the past 22
games in which Pitt has scored 20 or more
points, it is 18-4 against the spread.

PRINCETON: The Tigers have ended three
of the past four seasons with point-spread
victories, and they are 4-2-1 in their past
seven games as home underdogs.

PURDUE: The Boilermakers have been dis-
mal home favorites (12-20-1) and equally
inept away from Lafayette (18-27-2).
They've had three consecutive losing years
against the points and dropped five of
six home decisions against the line in ”82.

rice: [t isn’t wise to back the Owls at
home; they’re 21-30 in Houston. Rice and
the Houston Cougars have flip-flopped
point-spread decisions in each of the past
seven seasons. The Owls won in “82.

SOUTH CAROUNA: The Gamecocks failed to
cover at home in ’82 (0-3-1) and have lost
their past three games getting points ther
Despite four straight setbacks last year,
though, their record as home dogs is 9-5-1
for the past decade. The Gamecocks have
also won their last two outings as double-
digit favorites.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: The Trojans, who
are usually laying heavy numbers, operate
on cruise control against mediocre

opponents; they're 8-3-1 in their past 12
games as double-digit favorites. When
they are getting points, the Trojans are
also a worthwhile investment, at 9-1-1.
Downside: USC has dropped three
straight to UCLA.

SOUTHERN METHODIST: The Mustangs have
covered seven of their past II games as
road favorites and three of their past four
against nonconference foes, including last
year’s Cotton Bowl win over Pittsburgh.

STANFORD: The Cardinals are 19-7 when
getting points away from “the Faim,” in-
cluding ten of their past 11 games.

syracuse: The Orangemen are 27—20 at
home and have won four of their last five
as home favorites. They also have plus rec-
ords at home and away, giving points and
getting (an over-all mark of 5643-1).

TENNESSEE: The Volunteers have been
drastically overrated during the past few
years. They have lost nine of their past 13
road games against the points, and they
are 2-13 in their past 15 games as fa-
vorites

TEXAS: The Longhorns know how to hook
"em in Austin, where they are 31-19—and
where they've covered in their past five
games as favorites. But beware of Texas іп
bowl games, where the "Horns are 3-6
against the line since 1973.

TEXAS A&M: You can bet the Aggics have
cost wealthy alumni a couple of oil wells
with their point-spread performances.
A & M is 10-22 when getting points, in-
cluding 3-10 as an underdog in College
Station and 2-6 in its past сінің September
games. Upside: The Aggies have won five
of their past seven scason finales.

TEXAS CHRISTIAN: Against the points, TCU.
stands about as much of a chance as did
the Christians against the lions. It is safe
to bet against the Horned Frogs any time,
but they're at their worst as home favorites
(0—4 in ?82), as away dogs (21-32-1) and
against nonconference foes (1-4 the past
five times out).

TEXAS TECH: The Red Raiders have won
seven of their past I underdog road
games.

TULANE: The Green W:
against the points in '82. Still, it del
LSU for the third time in four scasons and
is 7-3 against the Bengals with the points
over the past decade. Morc upside: Tulane
is 9—5 as a road favorite. Downside: It has
crashed in opening road games over the
past seven seasons (1-6).

UCLA: The Bruins аге 50-36-2 as favor-
ites over the past decade, including 4-0
282 on the road. They are also 4—1—1
their past six games against USC and have
won six of their past eight openers.

VANDERBILT: This former S.E.C. door mat
turned things around last season (9-2
against the spread). Vandy is also 9-3-1 in
its past 13 underdog gam

VIRGINIA: The Cavaliers аге 4—17 as fa-
vorites during the past ten years and
19-30-2 getting points on the road. They

have also dropped eight of their past 12
against nonconference opponents.

VIRGINIA TECH: The Gobblers are 6-3
against their past nine А.С.С. opponents.

WAKE FOREST: The Deacons are 3-11 when
giving points and have lost nine of their
home against the line.
ach Don James has built
a consis at Washington, and
the Huskies are at their best in big games,
especially when they get points. Wash
ton has won six of its past eight gam
an underdog and is 3-І-І in its past five
bowl appearances. But the Huskies have
lost three of their last four against
Washington State.

WASHINGTON STATE: The Cougars have be-
come point-spread terrors under Jim Wal-

den in the past three years. They have won
20 of their past 29 point-spread decisions.
‘The Cougars are 27-17-2 as road dogs and
have taken four of their past five games
when getting points at home.

WEST VIRGINIA: The Mountai ге
5-3-1 as road favorites over the past dec-
ade and were 4—0 away from home in '82.

wisconsin: The Badgers have been bat
tered by nonconference foes (2-8 in their
past ten games).

yate: The Bulldogs are а good invest-
ment except when they're getting points
way from home (2-4). Try th
home dogs (6-1) and as road favorites

(18-10-1)
ti

AGAINST
THE SPREAD

a few words from
a nonbetting man

opinion By ANSON MOUNT

I have never bet a nickel on a football
game, and I never will. That doesn't
make me unique among sporis fans,
but it must mystify many. After all, as
PLAYBOY's seer on the game (pro and
collegiate), I probably have more ac-
cess to more inside information about
more teams than any other person in
the country. By dialing the phone, I
can speak with coaches, pro scouts,
even team physicians. That's what I do
Tor a living. So I could, presumably, lay
a lot of smart money on a lot of games.
But 1 don't.

Each year in early September, the
phone begins to ring at my home in г
ral Tennessee and doesn’t stop (ог
weeks. I get calls from an assortment of
oddballs who want to know if I think
Notre Dame should be a six-and-a-hall-
point favorite over Purdue. Гуе even
gotten calls from the actuary who sets
the odds at a gambling casino in Lon-
don. Гуе instructed my wife and chil-
dren to tell such callers that I'm
slaughtering hogs in the back pasture
and can’t come to the phone.

It's not that Pm opposed to gam-
bling—after all, we take chances every
day of our lives, and sometimes we bet
оп those chances. Nor am I concerned
about the Art Schlichters of the world;
we don't have to eliminate sugar for the
sake of diabetics.

For my money, it’s enough to enjoy a
game by cheering for your alma mater

ог by supporting the local university or
simply by rooting for the underdog. Pm
more interested in the final score and
the virtues of the competing teams than
I am in who beats the point spread. I
don’t like to clutter my perceptions
with extrancous considerations. 1 don’t
have much respect for those who can't
enjoy a game unless they lay a bet on it

A few years ago, I was in Birming-
ham, Alabama, for a speaking engage-
ment shortly after Alabama had won
the national championship. Instead. of
being happy, a great many of the local
fans were because the Crimson
Tide had failed to beat the point spread
in eight of the 11 games it had won. No
one will ever know for sure, of course,
but һауе ап idea about what really
happened. 1 knew Bear Bryant rather
well, and [ know he had contempt for
the gambling mentality. I wouldn't be
surprised at all if the Bear had deliber-
ately held down the score in those
games—just to see the gamblers suffer!

The ultimate question is whether
football is a spectator sport that gives
us pleasure by appealing to our nobler
human qualities—loyalty, for one, or
maybe the appreciation of a hard-
fought contest—or whether it's merely
an entertaining substitute for a slot
machinc.

As for me, I don't care what the odds
makers say—I live and die each Satur-
day for dear old Sewanee.

149

150

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The Tales nf Baron

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МТСИ! HOW ZM A PRIZONER /FIGHT OFER А Д
YOU GOT DER yi UF LUFF! X
TREE N? 7.

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HOKU, POCUS! DER. |
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my | OUTCOMIN' DER

FAIR BEAUTY, UND
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ACH! YOU FIRE-NOSER! f
YOU WULCANIZED ا‎ / DER DRAGON IN ui MINE ACHILLES /
MINE STIKKER! ^ \ DER ANKLE! уйн م‎

|

VUNOERBAR! DER TREE ) DER MAGIC / EEZY! DUNT Ў
LIMB IZ BEARING (2 VORKING! ' DAMAGER DER
DER reuns! УТ IM OUT GOODIES!

\ А

| MBS. M-N. FROM DETROIT WRITES,

M “му HUSBAND HAS A VORACIOUS
APPETITE ҒОР. SEX, BUT I WORRY
ABOUT HIS HEART, BECAUSE HE.
WHAT SHOULD,
Share the wisdom of
this KındLy country
doctor as he answers
questions asked by
FOLKS Just LKR you.

REGLAR RABBIT
Qooooo, REG, HONEY,
Look, THEY ‘RE BUILDING
A DISCO RIGHT HERE

F DON'T TEMPT SO, AS 1 WAS SHE WAS BEAUTIFUL, FUNNY....
ME, CRUISER. m SAYING..My GREAT | Щ 1 WAS WILD ABOUT HER, AND
з | LOVE WAS САТНУ.... ^ SHE LOVED ME, Too!

THANKS, SHIRLEY. Аң, “SS IT WOULD NEVER HAVE Е NO, YOU KNOW...

WELL, WE WERE WORKED OUT. SHE DIDN'T THAT HORMONE

DOOMED FROM THE М. HAVE IT UP HERE. THAT GIVES You
START, ACE. ) BREASTS.

PLAYBOY

152

HILL STREET BLUES | (continued from page 78)

"It astonishes me that TV plays such an important

part in so many lives.”

longer swear, Right. Uh-huh.

PLAYBOY: Dan. speaking for Furillo, do you
think there are any bad cops at the Hill
Street station?

TRAVANTI: They wouldn't last in the Hill
Street precinct. They wouldn't last with
Furillo. He'd get them out of there. What
happens on Hill Street is that if you don't
find an answer to thc problem within you
and a solution to the conflict in your pro-
fessional life, vou crack.

WENTZ: I think there are other cops with
negative aspects on the НШІ. There are
some definite negative aspects about Bel-
ker, about Calletano, Renko, Hunter.
PLAYBOY: But despite their bad traits, Hunt-
er and all the others are sympathetic сі
acters. None of them are perceived as bad
cops, as some of you say LaRue is.
BOCHCO: Howard Hunter is
а bulloo:
TRAVANTI: He's a jerk. He's our Archie
Bunker. He's also а сомаға; he doesn't
want to be touched or hurt or hit by any-
body. He likes the power, likes the same,
likes the uniform; he likes playing dress-
up. God help him if he ever got any real
power. He might be dangerous

PLAYBOY: Is Howard Hunter a bigot?
SIKKING: I don't think Howard (inks he's a
bigot. He just has simple answers for com-
plex problems, that’s all. Which mak
him interesti because there's a little of
Howard in everybody.

PLAYBOY: Is Renko a racist?

HAID: What I’m trying to show with Renko
is the hidden racism that's planted all over.
Renko has a mean streak born out of in-
security. Its always lying there within
him—a deadliness that is a subtle form of
racism.

WARREN: No, I don't sce Renko as being а
racist. Hunter's a racist, but I don't th
Hill would be able to work with Renko da
in and day out if һе really felt he was a
racist. I think Hill sees Renko as a guy
who doesn't want to work too hard. He
doesn't want any trouble from anybody—
white, Hispanic or black. Also, he's got an
ego problem: He's so macho, he doesn’t
want to show his vulnerable side

PLAYBOY: But you don't go too far along
certain lines; for instance, you've por-
trayed the black cops— НШ апа Washing-
ton—as more positive characters than
their white partners

MARTIN: Well, it’s about time that the cere-
bral member of the partnership wasn’t the
Irish boy. Let's face it, you look at T:
and me, the asshole? J
obviously a quart or two low. There are
people everywhere who are exactly like
that.

ar-

n many ways

who's is

If we tend toward painting our
minority cops in a somewhat more positive
light, 1 don't apologize for that. 1 think
that's an appropriate balancing act that

we instinctively do.
WARREN: I think it

mportant that Amer-
ica is aware that we're not all like the Jet
fersons, that for black people, there is
other kind of life that’s just as rich, as
as it's portrayed on

funny and as serious
those shows.
ENRIQUEZ: Just as it's important to show
that all Latins are not the same. There are
15,000,000 Latin people in America, trom
different countries.

PLAYBOY: Have any of you had problems
with the lines written lor the black or the
Hispanic characters?

WARREN: The firs! season, there was a
scene in which Hill and Renko steal a side
of beef, The writers had Hill coming in
with а case of barbecue sauce. Now, I real-
ize that the intent was not “Оһ, there's the
black guy; he loves watermelon and barbe-
cue and red soda water.” The intent was to
show the closeness of two guys who were
almost killed together—just that. But the
problem in the Eighties is that society
hasn't progressed to that point. 1 mean,
people see it and they say, “There's that
black guy. Boy, niggers sure love barbe-
cue”—not thinking that white people like
barbecue. too. But people in the midlands
don't put it toge like that. They're not
sophisticated enough, not exposed enough.
So another stereotype is continued.

HAID: We're trying to show that people can
work together in harmony. Mike Warre
always says that if Hill and Renko were
one person, you'd have one very whole,
light-brown man. The black moods of
Renko and the cleai-white thought of Hill
come together and become one.

ВОСНСО: You get values from a Bobby Hill
that are unique and very special. And I
don't think it's an accident that he's one of
the most popular characters. There's a de-
cency and a morality in that character that
are uot functions of his being black.
They're functions of a character we de-
signed that way.

WARREN: We've now shown the public that
black people are not going to jump out and
choke every white person they see. But
now I think it’s time to draw back a little
and give Bobby Hill some flaws. But the
problem in dealing with our characters із
that the industry is so sensitive, and right-
fully so, about how blacks are portrayed.
And our writers consciously think about
how certain things are going to be per-
ceived by the community.
BLACQUE: I hatc to get into an

issue like

that, of minorities, of Latinos and blacks.
Because we're all given a chance here.
PLAYBOY: But since none of your writers are
black, doesn't the possibility exist. that
their perception of the black experience
might occasionally be a little off?

WARREN: It’s strange when you talk about
the black experience with people in this
business who aren't black, because they
think there’s this mystery about the blac
experience—that irs so mysterious,
hard to write. I personally feel that there is
no mystery. Life is what it is. The black
experience is no diffe rom the white
experience.

BOCHCO: The thing I try to point out to
people is that while it's true that the crime
we portray in certain episodes is heinou:
at one time or another we have had white
rapists, black rapists, Hispanic rapists,
just as we have had black and brown doc-
tors, teachers, lawyers, judges, good guys
and cops. We are an equal-opportunity
offender, What usually gets me is the rag-
ng mail, mail that's a kind of assault. You
valize you're a passive victim of some-
body's real need to punish.

It also astonishes me that television in
general, and our show in particular. seems
to play such a massively important part in
a great many people s lives. I wonder occa-
onally at the bankruptcy of some of those
lives, that what we do in any given hour of
Hill Street is viewed with concern—cither
positive or negative—that’s so terrifically
ош of proportion.

PLAYBOY: Has there been any response to,
or criticism of, the violence on Hill Street?
BOCHCO: Last year, the Jerry Falwell camp
mentioned us as being one of the ten most-
violent shows. We've never paid much
attention to that stuff; and, frankly, 1 feel
that those people don't represent any sub-
stantial segment of society

PLAYBOY: How does NBC feel about it?
ВОСНСО: Гус got to say that NBC has nev-
ег, ever come to us and said, “Gee, we're
nervous: you've got to tone your show
down." It's never been an issue. I simply
can’t imagine anything you can’t address
on television. But they kill you in other
ways. Because in the more controversial
areas, they demand balance. The moment
they demand balance, you're dead in the
water, because it takes away from your
opportunity to say anything. So they give
with one hand and wind up taking away
with the other, You're never going to get a
balance in terms of demographic equality.
Our feeling is that over the long haul, it all
balances out. You are going to see many
sides of every question in the process. 1
will simply cut off any conversation that
even comes from Broadeast Standards [the
network censors] having to do with the
issue of balance.

PLAYBOY: But violence on TV is an issue
that a lot of people feel very strongly
about, and the violence on Hill Street is
pretty nasty sometimes. How do the rest of
you feel about it?

THOMAS: There's а lot in there that Dm not

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154

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so sure about. Гус had people say to me
that Hill Street is too violent and they
won't watch it.

WARREN: 1 would be real particular about
which of our shows my kids could or could
not sce. "There's an awful lot of violence on
our show at times, but it's not gratuitous.
In fact, that's one of the strong points of
the show—that we don’t do violence for
violence’s sake. When someone gets shot in
the street, he doesn’t get up and walk away
like it didn't happen. When a ear crashes,
people don’t get out of it and say, “Whew!
That was tough!" They get hurt. But my
daughter is six, my son is four, and they
just don't understand it.

HAID: I think we also use violence to show
the redemption of the human spirit. The
reality of the situation is that most crime is
committed by people who are hungry, by
people who have not had a fair shake, by
the poor. In the middle of all that grit, we
show people who ате able to redeem them

selves. If Hill Street is doing anything, it’s
holding up а rcalistic mirror to the social
situation that's a terrible tragedy for all of
us. As James Sikking once said, "In the
Aztec days, they had human sacrifice.

"Today, we have television.”

BOCHCO: The entire issue of violence in
film and TV is almost а nonissue, because
L think you have to look at the contribut-
ing environmental factors. I grew up going
to John Wayne Westerns in which every
time you turned around, 600 members of
the Sioux nation were being wiped out

The point is, it is not the fault of television
or movies if a viewer has a bankrupt life.

People who are capable of aberrant be-
havior on the basis of stimulation will be
stimulated by the six-o'clock news, which
in many w

уз is far more irresponsible in
the depiction of violence.

PLAYBOY: [s there onc show you've done
that stands out as being more controver-
sial than the others?

BOCHCO: The опе that generated the most
response was the episode about the rape
murder of an elderly nun by two young
black men. We got some very angry mail
from blacks who felt that we had done a
terrible disservice to the black community
in perpetuating some d

еріу entrenched
fears that exist or are perceived to exist in
the white community, And they raised a
very legitimate issue. Our response, right
or wrong, is that the episode was based on
a truc

ncident, though 1 don't feel we need
to defend doing it

And second, though we may have
stepped on a few toes with that story, the
alternative is a kind of self-censorship that
I think is dangerous, I would rather tell a
story that angers people and maybe
offends some than be so concerned about
stepping on people's toes.
PLAYBOY: "This scems like an appropriate
time to bring up the subject of censorship.
Steve, what is your present understanding
with Broadcast Standards?
BOCHCO: I don't understand them and I

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PLAYBOY

156

don't think they understand me.

PLAYBOY: Could vou flesh that out a bit?
BOCHCO: The one thing you discover in
working with Broadcast Standards is,
there is no standard. That's not a joke. Тһе
standard is whatever you can bully them
into. You write something, they read it,
they say no. And you say yes. And they
say, “No, really, no." And you say, “Es
cuse me, but fuck you, yes.” And then yo
say, "We're going to shoot it the way we
hoot it, and you look a nthe
context of this entire hour and then tell me
whether or not it's acceptable.”

But they have an awesome power. Ulti
mately, they can simply edit your show.
Often, people who work іп Broadcast
Standards behave like the worst kind of
civil-service bureaucrat. They are there to
make you behave. There is a bit of the
truant-ollicer mentality about their job.
And the degree to which you accept it is
the degree to which you accept а childlike
role іп the process of making television
shows. I won't. I'm nota kid.

PLAYBOY: Hill Streel’s sex scenes are cer-
tainly not kid stuff. How do you get away
with them?

BOCHCO: We do bathtub scenes with two
grownups in a bathtub. You cannot im-
agine the lather—no pun intended—w
got into over those scenes. We shot them,
we put them on the air, nobody said boo.
We did it, the sky didn't fall. The FCC
didn’t come over and disband the network.
So, suddenly, NBC says, “OK.” Now
we can do bathtub scenes, so we don't
have to fight anymore. Little by little,
we've chipped away at that kind of stuff.
TRAVANTI: And those so-called sex scenes
are usually not about sex. Its always
there, boy, but those are logically passior
ate moments when the truth comes out
and we're communicating something
PLAYBOY: Do you and Veronica ad-lib the
bedroom scenes?

TRAVANTI: Good! You have that impres-
sion, right?

PLAYBOY: Well, it seems awfully spon-
taneous sometimes.

HAMEL: It’s a playpen. We play in a spon-
taneous way. There are real giggles and,
we hope, some charming moments. But
the so-called bed scenes are very brief
Whatever you have to get said has to be
done quickly, clearly and believably, so
those scenes are very exhilarating to do.
TRAVANTI: The words are all there in the
scripts. We just make up the giggles, the
laughs, the breaking up, that sort of thing.
BOCHCO: I think one of the reasons the
standard for us is somewhat different is
that we're not prurient or salacious on Hill
Street in general. There are times when we
are but always in the context of trying to
illuminate the character, to make а point
about something.

Having said that, I maintain that I am a
much stricter and more appropriate taste
arbiter on Hill Street Blues than Broadcast
Standards is. Гт tougher, T have

want to s

too.

Joyce married, whi

taken a lot of things out of the show that
they approved, because they ollended me
once I saw them on the screen.

PLAYBOY: Lets get back to the Furillo-
Davenport relationship. Some critics have
called it the most sophisticated affair to
come across the tube. Do you think last
season’s marriage of Joyce and Frank will
make it dull and safe?

HAMEL: That remains to be A really
exciting marriage has never worked on
television befor

givings about getting married?
TRAVANTI: My only misgiving was that we
might di:
is quickly as I thought that, the feeling
was dispelled, because I remembered that
our writers are too hip to let that happen.
Veronica is concerned about its somehow
losing impact. But I don’t know. 1 don't
know what's going to happen from weck to
week. Pm glad I don't know, I don't want
to know. Every marriage is a risk, and this
one should be, too.

HAMEL: I was very apprehensive about it. 1
felt it wasn't necessary, that there were still
many things to explore. But I trust Steven.
I thought that it was very well done, that
we didn't make a big affair out of it and
then they w ess as usual
PLAYBOY: A lot of viewers were surprised
not only by the matter-of-fact manner in
which you wed but that you married at all.
CONRAD: І guess they had to marry.
They'd done about everything else. How
many fights can you have? How many
problems can you have?

ENRIQUEZ: I wish they hadn't gotten mar-
ried. It was more exciting. But it’s not a
good policy to educate the rest of the coun
try by saying, “Don’t get married, just live
together” It’s not a positive forum. 1
mean, the entire country loves them both.
He's the epitome of Mr. Cool, who always
knows exactly what to do at the right time.
And then there's Joyce Davenport—Miss
ilficiency, Miss Extraordinarily Beautiful
I think that character has given a great
deal of dignity to women, because women
are not very well portrayed on television
BOSSON: As the only married woman
this group, my personal feeling is that the
best potential for growth and explorat

re back to busi

THOMAS: I think the best potential for per-
sonal growth is through bestiality.

BOSSON: Now that you bring it up, I agree.
I hadn't thought about it that way. You
are still living with the giralle
THOMAS: Nope. The skylight sit
get
PLAYBOY: Ву the way, with Fi

ation was.

rank and
h of the two is going to
Бе the major money carner? How much
docs a police captain make?

TRAVANTI: About $35,000.

HAMEL: I'm divorcing you! Who needs this?
PLAYBOY: Speaking ОГ divorces, why had
Frank and Fay split up?

BOCHCO: Oversimplified, because he was а
drunk.

TRAVANTI: And when you get sober, you
definitely change: and unless the other
person changes with you, the relationship
is bound to terminate. Thats almost al-

PLAYBOY: You sound as if you're talking
from experience.

TRAVANT: That was another case of the
writers’ taking a characteristic of tl
that fit their needs, Steve asked me before-
hand about using it in the show, and I
said, “Fine, as long as its realistic.” The
fact that I am an alcoholic is an essential
fact of my existence, but that's my busi
ness. | don't like to go on about my alco-
holism, because enough has been said

actor

about it. But, of course, some of my experi-
ence was incorporated into the character.
PLAYBOY: Barbara, as Steven's wife, do you

id your position awkward at times?
BOSSON: At home, we have an equal rc
tionship, However, at work, we cannot
have an equal relationship. E work for him.
We're very separate here—he's manage-
ment, Fm labor,

BOCHCO: I ask of Barbara a very dillicult
thing—I ask her to be a little schizophren-
ic. I go home with problems I need to
share with my wile but that I cannot share
with an actor on the show. So I ask her to
arbitrarily suspend being an actress in
favor of simply being a wife and a con-
fidante. Its very hard, because a lot оГ
1 go home to discuss will have direct
implications on her activity as an actress.
Occasionally, E have been naive in assum-
ing I could take something home and not
get that response that any good actress will
give to а boss—"Wait a minute, whoa,
hold the phone here"—but by and large,
she has done wonderfully.

PLAYBOY: Are there any other in-house
romances?

BOSSON: Yes. Charlie Haid and Michael
Warren.

ENRIQUEZ: Barbara!
those things!
THOMAS: Well, I don't know w!
they're awfully close.
PLAYBOY: Do you guys want to respond to
that?

HAID: We do а couple of things together.
But we're just a couple of silly old farts.
We actually put our dressing rooms
together.
WARREN:
clothes
PLAYBOY: Going back to what we were talk-
ing about before—romances on and off the
screen—now that Frank and Joyce are
married, will some of the other characters
be given a chance to develop full romantic
relationships?

WEITZ: I think almost everybody on the
show would like to have a relationship
with a woman
SIKKING: Ог а man, depending on the sex.
WEITZ: Or any kind of rclationship. We
look forward to that kind of thing, because
it deepens the characters. It takes them
away from their work and shows another

You shouldn't say

, but

do like to scc him change

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PLAYBOY

side of them, which creates a freshness.
SIKKING: If I can't get marricd, Га sure
like to fool around a little bit on the show.
But it's hard for Howard to fool around
PLAYBOY: Why?

SIKKING: Because he has difficulty express-
ing himself

PLAYBOY: What about Goldblume’s love
life?

What about Goldblume's love life?

Yes, Hear, hear! Let's have more of it
WARREN: [ would like them to develop
some kind of love interest for Hill, so that
you sce a black with another black show-
ing affection and sensitivity, something
you haven't seen much of on television.
PLAYBOY: What about vou
would you like to see your character go?
ENRIQUEZ: I would like them to show more
of Calletano’s family background to have
more of a positive image with the Hi
panics. You know. Hispanics are one of the
most family-oriented people in the world
Perhaps it is in their blood that they are
family-oriented—they don't believe іп
birth control

THOMAS: There's nothing I feel my charac-
ter cannot do or get away with, including
getting married, getting pregnant, quitting
the force, having a lesbian affair. Who
knows? Falling in love with a young kid;
falling in love with a criminal. Га like
to see some reality to the fact that Lucy is
an attractive enough human being to have
a boyfriend. It's ridiculous—she's always

René; where

supposed to hay hard time
date. They keep making jokes about the
dates they give her. I's bullshit.
MARINARO: What am 1, chopped chicken
liver?

THOMAS: You're a cop. You're something,
yes, but I want somebody outside of Cops-
ville,

PLAYBOY: What about you, Ed: what kind
of involvements would you like to se
MARINARO: Га like Joe Coffey to get en-
gaged to a Playboy Bunny.

THOMAS: Are we talking real life, honey, or
are we talking the show?

PLAYBOY: How about you, Kiel?

MARTIN: Га like LaRue to get through one
show without having to sme
grease, go down in the sewer and ball an
ligator.

PLAYBOY: Anybody else on development of
character?

WARREN: I’m not quite sure at this point if
1 sec Bobby Hill wanting to slay a cop.
Because cops don't legislate change. I se
him going into law, being like Joyce
Davenport.

HAMEL: And Га like to sec the writers ex-
plore the humorous aspects of my charac-
ter a little more. Betty and Barbara have
had a chance to play with the comedy side.
I haven't,

BOSSON: Well, I'm in a bind with Fay, be-
cause I know that what makes her unique
and funny is also keeping her damaged,
without growth. 1 would love for her to

etting a

himself with

on. I also understa

become a whole per: па
that the minute she's whole and terrific,
they'll no longer want her in the series

I worried about Frank's marriage for
obvious reasons. I thought there would be
no need for me ever to go back into that
squad room. But Steven said there would
be all sorts of things to explore with Fay,
such as custody of her child.
PLAYBOY: As far as issues arc concerned,
are there any particular ones you would
like to see Hill Stree deal with?
BLACQUE: I think we're already dealing
with everything that’s happening. You
turn around and Hill Street is doing it. One
of my story lines, as a matter of fact, was
n from a real event
PLAYBOY: Which one was that?
BLACQUE: On one episode, Washington
shot an innocent person by mistake, the
proprietor ofa store. He pointed his gun at
Washington and Neal thought he was one
of the holdup men. That really happened
when we were working downtown on loca-
tion, I had just left. Га just given my gun
to the prop guy and a guy came up to a
pawnshop with a gun and an off-duty
undercover cop was just coming out and
shot him dead. That was turned into the
story line in which Neal does the same
thing and then agonizes over it
ENRIQUEZ: Га like to see the show deal
with the problems of al aliens, im-
migration, the IRS. , . . There аге so many
illegal aliens here, and many of them are

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afraid even to go to hospitals, hecause
they re afraid they'll be turned in. It could
be a beautiful, tragic, poignant story that
would fit the context of Hill Street Blues.

WARREN: I'd like to see a character emerge
in the community who has a sense of right-
eousness, who has lived there for a while
and is loved by the community. So Ё
have a community that is taken care of by

we

the police. Hogwash. In any urban area,
They don't take
care of the community. The community
takes care of itself. Pm talking about a
hero who would be from the people of the
Hill, someone who was a beneficial char-
acter and politically powerful.
THOMAS: People are just waiting to have an
idol like that. What if we created one and
he became а role model in reality?
WEITZ: Yeah, but we're not a political plat-
form. We're dealing with human beings
and talking about human beings.
THOMAS: Another thing that would be in-
teresting for us to tackle is this whole
psychological-rape thing that’s happening
now. Not the physical act of rape but this
clamping on that men seem to be doing,
where they follow you around
Like a shadow following you
; a lethal shadow.
And from what I've read, you go
insane. Or leave town, change your name,
lose your job. What if it happened to onc of
us? Another thing that would be intercst-
ing—and this would be a great story linc

the police are the cnem

HAMEL:

for Davenport—is P.M
tension. Davenport would have to defend a
woman who did something under P.M.T
Doctors are saying it exists and that some
women are totally affected by it. And, of
course, feminists don't want to talk about
it, because it’s a biological imperative
And that’s what they've been fighting
against. T mean, some idiots say a woman
can't be President because she might go
crazy and kill the Vice-President.

HAMEL [m sorry you brought all this up.
PLAYBOY: Do vou people ever bounce off
one another like this on the set?

THOMAS: Roll call is a riot, because there
are usually six or seven of us there, plus
the extras, who are like family.

CONRAD: J look out there and I see a bunch
of actors looking for shtick

PLAYBOY: Do they ever find any shtick?
MARINARO: Last year, there was a People-
azine cover with Dan, Veronica and
hael Conrad. Veronica had her blouse
open wide, and inside, they had a picture
of Dan in his briefs
TRAVANTI: Those were swimming trunks, VI
have you know.

MARINARO: So the next day, we were all sit-
ting around at roll call, and when we stood
up, all the men had their pants off and
Betty had her police shirt open down
the front.

TRAVANTI: We're а kissy-huggy-grabby
group at Hill Street. And 1 love the writers.
I kiss them right on the mouth.

‚ premenstrual

SIKKING: "There's a lot of good humor on
the set. One time, we were shooting a line-
up of suspected felons. All the guys in the
line were our writers, incredibly scrungy.
BOCHCO: А dangcrous-looking group of
fellows if ever there was onc.

MARINARO: Then there was the Christmas
show.
THOMAS: My mother’s going to read this!
MARINARO: Betty was Mrs. Santa Claus
and I was Rudolph the Red-Nosed Rein-
deer. Betty stood up in front and said
THOMAS: I said, “Но, ho, ho, merry Christ-
mas—this is all for you little guys out
there:
MARINARO: And she pulled up her dress,
and underneath, she's wearing black g
ters and little red panties.

THOMAS: But І had on my men’s cop shoes
with black socks!

PLAYBOY: Is it true that Fred Silverman
wanted to call the show Hull Street Zoo?
BOCHCO: When we first wrote the script,
we titled it Hill Street Station. Fred wanted
something jazzier. So we started to get lists
of alternate titles, one of them being The
Blue Zoo, which, as my 13-year-old would
say, barfed us out.

PLAYBOY: Where did the idea for Hill Street
Blues originate?

BOCHCO: Silverman had a notion for a
pilot he wanted Kozoll and me to do. It
was to be a series set in an inner-city pre-
nct with a large cast of characters. We

159

PLAYBOY

160

reacted іп varying degrees of lukewarm.
Michael was very lukewarm; I
medium lukewarm. I was a bit more en-
thusiastic, because the emphasis on the
personal lives tickled something in me.
PLAYBOY: Why were you both so lukewarm
about it?
BOCHCO: Because we went into this sure
that we didn't want to do another cop
show. Between the two of us, we had
worked that street to death.

PLAYBOY: What changed your minds?
BOCHCO: We decided we'd do it ifa couple
ОҒ conditions were met. One, that we
irtual creative autonomy. We
could write anything we wanted with no
interference, have far more leeway with
Broadcast Standards than was normally
accorded any series. And, to our surprise,
NBC said fine.

was

would ha

PLAYBOY: Has
ment?
BOCHCO: Yes, they’ve honored their crea-
tive-autonomy commitment. They have no
story approval.

PLAYBOY: Why did NBC play hide-and-seek
with the show at the beginning?

BOCHCO: I think Silverman was desper-
ately trying to find a time slot where this
thing would work. With the best of inten-
tions, he kept screwing us deeper and
deeper into the ground.

PLAYBOY: If, say. NBC had canceled the
show, do you think another network might
have picked it up?

HAID: If NBC had canceled this show,
work would haye picked it up
so fast your head would spin. CBS would
have been in there a bunch of bandi:
BOCHCO: My experience is that very, very
rarely does one network buy another net-

NBC lived up to its agree-

another.

“Тһе President stands behind you all the way. Do you
wish to resign or be fired?"

work's failed product. And when that hap-
pens, it’s usually unsuccessful. I don't
think there's a lot of historical validation
for doing it.

HAID: One of the first indications we had
that it was going to be a real hit was not
from an article in the trades but from a
business report saying that the Hill Street
Blues advertising time had been sold at X
amount of dollars per half minute. When
Mercedes-Benz decided to buy ad time on
Hill Street, we thought something right
was going on.

меп though the га!
low, demographically we were very strong.
We were always one of the top-rated shows
in terms of upscale viewers, even though
overall we were down at the bottom. I
believe to this day that the media kept us
on the air.

PLAYBOY: Most reviews have been favor-
able, but one critic said Hill Street had
become predictable in its unpredicta-
bili
WEI at was a complaint?

BOCHCO: I felt that was a cheap shot. Ву
definition, once you are a known quantity,
you don't surprise. І suppose I could sur-
prise people if I started killing off my regu-
lars week by week, but then Га Бе killing
off Hill Street Blues in increments. Never-
theless, the reality of network television is
that you can’t surprise. The truth is, we
never started out to surprise people. We
simply were, I guess, surprising. But it’s
never been a motivation.

WEITZ: If there are certain critics in the
country who think that we're becoming
predictable, I would like to talk to them on
a one-to-one level and show them exactly
where huge changes have taken place in
every character. 1 think that what they say
is bullshit! It’s a bunch of media-hype crap
to get their readers to read their news
pers! And if they want to go point by point
with me, I issue the challenge. I get in-
censed when I hear that!

SIKKING: Let's not skirt the issue, Bruce.
WEITZ: Well, it’s something that bothers
me. I issue the challenge. Feel free to call.
SIKKING: The clement of surprise gave us
a 66 out of 69 in the Nielsen ratings, so it
isn't а real advantage. I think we have to
pay attention to what the critics say about
us, but we also have to understand that
they're trying to fill space, 100. If you look
at anything else on television, it’s very in-
teresting boredom

BOCHCO: Yeah, that’s probably 95 percent
of all television, the kind that turns mil-
lions of Americans into narcoleptics. I'm
not saying that’s bad, but it’s not what
we're doing. I have a complete under-
standing of somebody who says, “I’m
sorry, I don't want to watch a show at ten
o'clock at night that leaves me angry or
challenged. I just want to watch some-
thing that’s going to leave me in a very
pleasant state of semiconsciousness, be-
cause I'm going to bed.”

TRAVANTI: It would be tedious if ten years

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161

PLAYBOY

162

from now we were still doing it. But Pm
surprised by almost every script. I want to
continue to be surprised.

HAID: Washington Post critic Tom Shales
said after our first season that if Hill Street
Blues had the courage to continue doing
what it had already done, it would have
the courage to take the entire thing apart
and put it back together several more
times, I feel that’s absolutely necessary
SPANO: I agree. I think that at some point,
somebody should come in and say, "Let's
change the whole thing. Let's kill off a reg-
шаг
PLAYBOY: Are you volunteering?

SPANO: Surc. If it gave me an interesting
way to go and if it gave impetus to the
show, ГА say yes.

BOCHCO: One of the things that make
doing this show so harrowing is that ue
sometimes don't know what's going to be
on next week. When we made Fay preg-
nant, we never stopped to think about
whether or not she was actually going to
have this baby. We just said, “Оһ, that's a
good situation"—bang!—and suddenly,
there it is and you begin to deal with its
consequences.

HAMEL; I think we all feel that мау. Let's
face it—it's a matter of numbers. There

are М regulars, and we give an awful lot of

very special parts to guest stars.

THOMAS: Forget all those guest stars. Get
rid of them!

HAMEL And knock offa few regulars, too!
SIKKING: Fire all the actors and start over!
PLAYBOY: There may be a little facetious
talk going on here, but the fact remains
that this їз an ensemble group of 14 actors.
Is there much competition for lines?
BOSSON: What you get a lot with 14 people
is that a particular character will have a
period of time when he’s not doing much.
‘A Joe Spano story or a Charlie Haid story
will come along and then for three weeks,
he'll be very prominent, and then he'll
drop down again, because there’s just no
way you can do 14 stories about 14 people
every week. When you're in one of those
periods, everybody gets nuts; everybody
says, "What happened? lm out of the
show. Get Bochco on the phone." Actors
do get frustrated when they perceive that
there are four or five shows in which
they're kind of light. It frightens them. I
think they suddenly forget that they may
have had some wonderful stuff in the prior
six shows, and now it's somebody else's
turn. But that's all understandable.
TRAVANTI: My reaction most of the time is
just to be thankful that Im finally doing
work that's worthy of me. That's the single
biggest emotion I felt when all this started:
Relief; Whew! At last!

MARTIN: I agree. To wake up every day and
not be ashamed of your work is a rare tre:
ure for an actor. And, boy, do I love being
the class fuck-up, no matter how often I
appear or how short my scenes!

НАМЕ: Each actor gets a little gem, a
pearl, then we string this necklace together.

PLAYBOY: Individually, what are some of
the reactions you have been getting? What
kind of mail do you get?

HAID: The man who gets the most mail on
Hill Street is Mike Warren. He's a bona
fide black star. To the kids, especially.
PLAYBOY: What about your own mail?
HAID: I get mail mostly from females іп
Middle America who are familiar with the
kind of character Renko is, saying, "You
remind me of my brother, my husband, so-
and-so.” I also get people who like Renko
for the wrong reasons.

PLAYBOY: For instance?

HAID: I was in England recently and I was
walking down King’s Road, and all of a
sudden, up came these skinheads, about
nine of them, and they talked like this [does
a very accurate Cockney accent]: * Ey, come
“еге. Look at it—it’s cool, fab Renko!
Come ere, bloke. I like the way you ’andle
those woggies. I like the way you ’andle
those blacks. Take “ет, fling 'em all
against the car like that and beat their
"eads in. We're going to get you a pair of
Dr. Martins. You can just kick 'em a few
times right in the leg and make "егі be
quict, еу?”

Well, they got it all wrong. Completely.
They thought some of Renko's more in-
tolerant scenes were the greatest thing in
the world. Another time, I was down in
‘Texas and people came up to me and said
[does an accurate Texas accent], “Charlie,
gol darn, boy, you're one of us, you know?
Doggone, you sure know what's goin’ on."
And I just wanted to say, “You didn’t get
Watch it again and you'll get it.”
WARREN: Ironically, Гус gotten letters
from black people saying, “Why do you
treat Renko so mean? You ought to be
nice. He’s a nice man.”

PLAYBOY: How about you, Betty?

THOMAS: І get a lot of letters from women
cops and from wives of cops who love my.
character. For a while, everyone was
saying that wives of cops were so uptight
about women on the force because their
husbands were going to be in cars with
them all day long, and sooner or later
they'd be having a relationship. And the
wives would be dumped. The mail
responds to the fact that I’m not having а
relationship with my partner. And that’s
а good symbol for those women.

ENRIQUEZ: A lot of people in the Latin
community look to me as a sort of symbol.
I mean, there аге only four Hispanics in
featured roles on TV, and Ricardo Mon-
talban and Erik Estrada don't суеп play
Latinos.

BOSSON: | get tons of mail from people.
who identify with me. I get a lot of mail
from men who say “I hate you,” and it's
obvious that they think I'm their ex-wife,
but most of my mail is from people who
say, “Thank God, I’m secing some of my
problems on television. I didn't think I
existed.”

PLAYBOY: How have the police reacted to
the show?

WARREN: Favorably. Гус never had a cop
come up to me and say anything but
“Thank you.”
HAID: They feel we are portraying them as
human beings, so they open up and they
let us sec their human side.
SIKKING: Гус talked with chiefs of police
all over and they love the show, but they
always ask, “What city is it in?” And I
say, "It's a nondesignated city.” And they
say, “Come on, tell us." So I say, “What
if we had it in your city? Would you let us
tell a story about an alcoholic officer?
Would you let us tell astory about brutality
in the police department? Extramarital
affairs?”
PLAYBOY: How accurate do policemen find
the characters?
WEITZ: I have yet to be in a police precinct
where policemen have not told me they've.
worked with or heard stories about some-
one like Belker Except they always say
that the person they knew was taller.
TRAVANTI: I’ve received this comment
many times: “The only criticism I have
against your character is 1 wish my boss
were more like you.”
CONRAD: Same with Esterhaus—they all
wish they had a sergeant like him. They
feel he represents dignity, something
people can look up to. And we certainly
need that in police departments.
PLAYBOY: Have any of you had any run-ins
with the police since you've been doing the
show?
WEITZ: [ had an incident on the freeway
one night. I have a Porsche, and I was
trying to blow the engine ош. А cop
stopped me and said, “Are you? Are you?”
And I said, "Yes." And he sai ;ood
night." Не just turned around and got on
his motorcycle.
BLACQUE: I made a right turn on red one
night, and this cop came over and s
“You went through the red light.” I said,
“I'm sorry, officer, but I didn't go through
red.” He said, “You son of a bitch, don’t
tell me you didn’t go through the red
light.” And then he got a look at me, saw
my Hill Street parking pass and said,
“Who are you? Who do you play?" I told
him, and his whole attitude changed. His
closing remark was, “You tell that public
defender we sure love her.” If it had hap-
pened to an ordinary citizen, he'd have
gotten whipped upside the head for talking
back.
MARTIN: I don’t believe in the power of
recognizability to keep me out of traffic
tickets, so I try not to get them.
MARINARO: I got stopped twice in а two-
week period and got a ticket both times.
PLAYBOY: Didn't the cops recognize you?
MARINARO: I said, “Hey, do you watch
Hill Street Blues?” The cop said, “Great
show. Sign this, please.”
SIKKING: Yeah, but didn’t he also say, “Be
careful out ther:

Ej

Every day for three 2.
come fair, foul, or worse,

Harbor Master Тай logged m 7

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AS

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counts on safe berthin `
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_ Authentic

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PLAYBOY

164

|
BRL „о

“Га learned. five or six chords, and that, ше sensed,
would be more than enough for our purposes."

respect and pleasure by playing dehant,
electrified music, of being good by being
bad—is a phenomenon that probably
peaked when everybody in our band did:
back in the late Sixties and the early
Seventies, when rock stars were still cul-
ture heroes. I suppose fame and rebellion
don’t have much to do with what the Del-
Crustaceans are up to these days, but at
certain predictable intervals, we still want,
in something very close to our heart оГ
hearts, to get down.
.

On warm nights, my friend Bo Van Sant
and I used to walk around the Northwest-
ern campus singing doo-wop songs, blind
drunk. We'd sit on stoops and yodel and
screech and wait for people to call the
cops. It was the spring of 1971, and I wasa
senior in my final quarter and I didn’t give
a shit about anything. I had been а corner-
back on the Northwestern football team
and now, I presumed, I was done playing
football forever. Bo, a Vietnam vet with
only sophomore status, really didn’t give a
shit about anything. He'd missed a foray
with his platoon one night in the coastal
highlands and the platoon had gotten
blown up by enemy rockets, and now he
was back studying with frat kids and war

protesters. Bo wasn’t crazy—just sensitive
and keyed up. He loved the theater, clas-
sics and good times. Growing up in Con-
necticut, shy but forcefully attracted to
new things, he would occasionally sit in his
room, a crewcut adolescent in saddle
shoes, and read poetry while sniffing air-
plane glue from a paper bag.

“A nice name would be something like
the Temptations or the Hesitations or the
Ovations,” Bo said one night. “Something
with an -ation suffix.”

I had brought along my sister’s old
guitar that night, and it had suddenly hit
Bo and me that we were going to be a
band. Га learned five ог six chords, and
that, we sensed, would be more than
enough for our purposes. Bo knew an aw-
ful lot about R&B and soul groups, but 1
knew about rock; Га bought my first 45 at
the age of eight—Hello Mary Lou, by
Ricky Nelson. I said Bo’s idea for a name
was OK, but shouldn’t we think about a
prefix, too, since the kind of songs we were
doing—Come Go with Me, Runaround
Sue—were the province of groups with
Bel- and Dell- in their names?

“How about the Crustaceans?”
asked.

“Meaning what?” I asked.

Bo

ТА

“Since you design video games, I thought you'd have
a bigger joy stick.”

He shrugged.

I said, “How
Crustaceans?”

Bo didn't complain; it’s possible he nod-
ded. It's hard to remember, exactly, since
there was no importance to any of this at
the time. But that was pretty much it.

A couple of weeks later, when an under-
classman named Pablo joined the group,
we changed our name to Pablo and the
Del-Crustaceans. We did it sort of as a
goof—Pablo was the worst guitar player їп
the world, worse even than me, which is
going some, since to this day, I can’t prop-
erly tune my guitar. (Drew does it for me
before each set.) But Pablo was really
bad—stunningly, repugnantly derelict. He
strummed open, rattling chords оп а bent-
necked Japanese guitar, and at times he
didn’t even play the same songs we were
playing. After a while, Gabby would sim-
ply turn Pablo's amp off in the middle of a
set. When Pablo left to go to law school in
1974, we dropped his name and became
the Del-Crustaceans again.

We didn’t think the band’s name would
make any difference to anyone, ever. In-
deed, I wouldn't be telling you how it
came into existence if people at sorority
formals and bars weren’t always asking
what in the hell it means and if decoding
the history of rock names weren't consid-
ered such a worthy discipline. And
perhaps it really is important to know that
the Beatles used to be called the Quarry-
men, or that a certain Top 40 band named
itself 10 cc because that’s the volume of
the average male ejaculatory load. But in
our case, 1 believe you can take the band’s
name, know where it comes from and still
be pretty much satisfied that it means
nothing,

АЙ of the guys in the group are between
29 and 34 years old now. We were in our
early 20s when we started. We have photo-
graphs that show us back in the early
Seventies with long hair and snecrs, and it
is through those pictures that we have be-
gun to learn about aging.

Bo isn’t with us anymore, which is а
pity. He had a great whiskey voice. No
range, no ear; but after a few tumblers of.
gin, he sounded black. And he had pres-
ence. I remember onc coffechouse gig in
1972 when Bo sang with both of his arms
in slings. He had fallen down, shit-faced,
after a party the previous night and had
fractured both of his elbows on the side-
walk. He danced around the coffeehouse
mike stand that night, his hands crossed
on his chest like a corpse, cigarette dan-
gling, trying to remember the words to
California Sun in front of a handful of in-
attentive students who had paid maybe 50
cents to see us, and, damn, he was nice.

Bo moved East in 1973, and Berler, who
had shared spots with him on vocals, be-
came our lead singer. P.J., who used to
hang around our bar gigs playing the tam-
bourine and trying to sneak in on backups,
joined the band then as a singer and a

about the Del-

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PLAYBOY

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dancer. P. J. was in grad school at Northwestern at the time and
on his way to an executive position in a big Chicago ad agency.
He’s in New York now with the Madison Avenue crowd, in his
Brooks Brothers two-piece, drinking martini lunches, discussing
concepts and big pictures, educating the poor ignorant public as
to its needs. A political and economic conservative, P. J. believes
in his work. I remember the time after a gig when he and some-
body— believe it was Mike—got into an argument over P. J.'s
statement “Nobody has ever bought something he didn’t want.”
The debate went round and round, through drinks and early-
morning hamburgers and tertiary hangovers, and it hasn't been
resolved yet.

But talk about your Jekyll and Hydes. Onstage, P.J., the bald-
ing, preppie straight arrow, becomes a sort of honkie Mr. Excite-
ment, a crazed rock-n'-roll white dude with happy feet.
Apparently, he’s always been dual-sided, but it took rock to bring
the stage half of it out. He sang tenor in the boys’ choir in high
school and played guard on the football team, but the first time
he got up with us, he moved around like James Brown.

But, really, who can explain what happens to people onstage?
Berler, for instance, becomes Mick Jagger. Shine a klieg light in
his face and he'll fag strut and leer till you put the hook on him.
At dinner dances, garage sales, fund raisers, weddings, it makes
no difference—Berler turns into a snarling android when he gets
near a mike, and he can’t help it.

I remember deciding once that he was mentally ill. We were in
somebody’s living room in suburban Skokie, at an adult Jewish
birthday party where the men all wore yarmulkes and there was
no booze or cigarettes and the tables were set with little card-
board cups filled with jelly beans and candy corn. The guests
were backed into the furniture, watching us silently, There was a
barbecue going in the back yard, and it was still light out. I stood
behind Berler, next to Gabby and Mike and half-hidden by one
of Jack's cymbals, semiplaying my guitar, alternately marveling
and cowering as Berler prowled over the carpet singing pas-
sionately to the dozen or so motionless people about heroin and
death.

We had to quit carly that night, after Jack had slipped Berler a
hash brownie to calm him down, and he went rigid on us. The
strange thing is, Berler is just a sweet, hyper little guy from New
York, a scrappy softball player who once tried out with the
Chicago Cubs. Maybe his stage transformation stems from re-
pression. We've asked him about it, and he speculates that there
may be something revealing in the fact that his mother wouldn't
let him wear blue jeans until he left for college. “Really, 1 don’t
know,” he says somberly. “It’s probably the music.”

Gabby played the clarinet in the 1965 Broad Ripple (Indian-
apolis) High School marching band. The sax player next to him
was David Letterman, now the NBC late-night talk-show host
Letterman was a pimply-faced joker who quickly got himself
thrown out of the band for acting up. Gabby liked music but
found the discipline of the marching band too juvenile, too
humorless. He liked Letterman and decided that he had made
the right move. Gabby was the next to quit.

He’s a civil engineer now, and he just finished building a solar
home for himself and his wife near Grand Rapids, Michigan. A
thrifty, soft-spoken and resourceful man, he dug the entire base-
ment for the house by hand. The Del-Crustaceans mean a great
deal to him. He drinks beer onstage, as much as he wants, and as
he drives in for the gigs, he feels all over again the rush and the
orneriness that you could never let out in a marching band.

Rock promotes—almost demands—a certain arrogance of its
practitioners. Pete Townshend says he dreads going on tour now
because of the ludicrous punk rage it brings out in him. At 38, he
wants to grow up. It is a dilemma. We once got into a fistfight
with some people only minutes after one of them had given us
our check for playing at their party that night. It had been a
great gig—outdoors by a swimming pool at a day camp in the
country—and I can’t begin to remember what the fight was
about. Rock-'n'-roll omeriness, no doubt.

But the point here is that our band adapts. We don’t have a
manager calling the shots. We've been together 12 years and

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PLAYBOY

we still shuffle the line between democ-
racy and anarchy at every gig, fighting over
every song, every ending, every volume
control. Often, it must be clear to the audi-
ence that we don’t know what we're doing.
Mike once took his piano and his organ
and set up in the wrong city because he
forgot where we were playing. We've near-
ly killed one another by plugging things in
where they don’t belong. Bo once sang a
blues duet on his knees with his arm
around a drunken midget at a high school
reunion in Benton Harbor, Michigan,
causing Berler, a closet moralist, to leave
the stage in towering, unfeigned disgust

But we've still got enthusiasm. And it

has to be because we've built around what
we've got. I've even come to accept Ber-
ler’s lunatic gyrations, knowing that in our
most embarrassing moments—when Jack
passes out and falls under his drums, as he
did during one Christmas gig, or when
Mike “hyperspaces” and can’t remember
how to play the piano and just sits and
looks at his hands, or when I trip over my
cord and pull all the crap out of my amp,
sending out mutilated-animal screeches—
Berler will still be the foil, the point man,
the guy people watch in disbelief. Among
other things, playing їп а band has taught
me the value in life of people who don’t get
embarrassed.

Because only Kahlua tastes like Kahlua, what it does to coffee is positively
оооһ-підие. Just: splash an ounce of Kahlua in your favorite coffee (decaffeinated's
fine too). And do send for our free recipe book. It's brimming with delicious
ideas. Kahlua, Dept. C, P.O. Box 8925, Universal City, CA 91608.
©1982. Maidstone Wine & Spirits Inc., Universal City, CA.

Something else: We don't fire members.
Once you're а Del-Crustacean, you're a
Del-Crustacean forever, unless you leave.
Bo and Pablo both left. So did a couple of
drummers we had before Jack joined, ten
years ago.

A lack of talent means nothing. Lord,
Pablo was bad enough that he should have
been banned from clectrificd objects for
Ше. But he left because he wanted to, not
because he was asked to. I am a wretched
guitar player, with two football-damaged
fingers on my left hand that will always
prevent me from playing decently, even if I
were skilled enough to learn how. Mike is
marginal. So аге P. J. and Berler, Gabby's
OK. Jack, though, is good, a pro. He used
to drum on the TV show Hee Haw and
once backed up Bob Hope in a joke-telling
session. Drew is good, too. He was in
cight bands before he joined the Del-
Crustaceans. But it doesn’t matter. We
formed our group to have good times and
be buddies. You can’t do that when you
purge people.

Then, too, you’ve got to understand
where “good”ness fits into rock "n' roll. It
doesn’t much. In fact, one of the worst
things a rock band can be is too good. Do
you think The Rolling Stones are good?
Well, yes, they're unbelievable; but are
they really, in any classic, musical sense of
the word, good?

1 once saw a very good blues-jazz band
in a Chicago club, They started to dink
around while tuning up, and all of a sud-
den, they were playing Last Time, by the
Stones. I was clapping my hands, getting
into it, when they stopped, smirking, and
lit up cigarettes. "You don't think we're
actually going to play that trash?” their
looks implied. Well, I had.

The truth is, goodness breeds boredom.
You can counteract proficiency, as Keith
Richards docs, by avoiding sleep and
nourishing food for days and then filling
your body with such quantities of contra-
dictory drugs that even a simple Chuck
Berry little-finger reach becomes an
adventure in neuromuscular control. Or
you can start from lower levels, like we do.

Five years ago, we even decided that ifa
band member left Chicago, he would re-
main a Del-Crustacean. Drew lives in Bos-
ton now. Mike and P.J. live in New York
City, Gabby in Michigan. For a time a
couple of years ago, Berler lived in Cincin-
nati and I lived in Florida. We flew in for
gigs then; P. J. and Drew and Mike fly in
now. Gabby drives. Transportation ex-
penses come off the top of the band’s pay
checks. Of course, we don’t take home any
money these days—sometimes we even
lose. But that’s something else we decided
long ago—to keep it going, we'll play for
nothing, or less.

We try to get $1200 a gig now, a whole
lot of money for a bar band. But that’s our
break-even point, assuming we don’t de-
stroy any equipment or have any major dis-
asters such as the basement flood that
ruined a lot of our stuff a couple of years

"Hurry, Morris—I think somebody just scored a touchdown!”

169

PLAYBOY

170

ago. Berler estimates that since the begin-
ning, the band has grossed more than
$125,000. It's funny to think that all that
cash has circulated in our name without
ever really gracing our pockets. Some
trickle-down bigwig, or at least the air-
lines, should honor us.

What we've got now is a system, a
method for perpetuating our dual lives. It.
includes such logistical matters as finding
decent vans at odd hours and knowing
where vacuum tubes are sold and what
cab company can get Drew to the airport.
fastest at four in the morning so he can
make his nine-a.m. business meeting Mon-
day in Boston. But mostly, it deals with
our preferences and quirks. We play once
or twice a month now, at big private par-
ties and selected bars around Chicago.
And that’s pretty much the way we want
it. We have roadies—college kids who
think we're great—because we don’t want
to carry equipment anymore. You move a
125-pound speaker up three flights of steps
in a narrow hotel stairway one time and
you'll understand the second-biggest
reason bands break up.

Onstage, we wear red-satin shorts and
T-shirts with lobsters on them, because we
think they look cool. (And, in fact, they are
cool.) Can I say that we are unique? We've.
already outlasted the Beatles. I guarantee
we'll never stop.

.

"Tubby's was an old dance hall and Баг
overlooking Lake Superior outside the
mining and lumber town of Ontonagon in
Michigan's Upper Peninsula, Tubby him-
self was а shovel-nosed reformed-alcoholic
son of a bitch with a Pacemaker in his
chest and a drooling German shepherd be-
hind the bar. I say “was” because both
Tubby and the dog are dead now, and the
building is gone, having burned down
under suspicious conditions not long after
‘Tubby’s demise. While he was alive and
on the wagon, Tubby hated everything,
especially everything young. But some-
how, while I was up North fishing in the
fall of 1974, I managed to talk him into hir-
ing the Del-Crustaceans to play five nights
between Christmas and New Year's
1975—our first road trip ever.

In three packed and battered cars, we
drove north in a slow formation, like cov-
ered wagons, In Antigo, Wisconsin, Jack’s
drive shaft fell out, but we never knew it,
because Jack was in the rear and it was
dark. When the first two cars got to
Ontonagon and we set up the equipment
and Jack and his group hadn’t arrived,
Berler freaked out. “Call the highway pa-
trol!” he screamed. “Call the Mounties!”

Jack is heavy, real big, about six feet and
250 pounds, and Berler kept screaming, “I
hate his fat! I hate іш” We were all worried
as hell, seeing Tubby and his animal
glowering across the dance floor at us. But
it was Berler who nearly put us over the

edge. It was a relief when somebody—
maybe it was Gabby—grabbed him and
just sort of crushed the shit out of him,
something that has to be done occasionally
when Berler's in his full manic stage.

Jack and his crew arrived minutes be-
fore we had to go on, with a rental car and
a mechanic’s estimate guaranteeing that
he would personally lose about $1000 on
the tour. But the skiers and the snow-
mobilers and the sons and the daughters of
copper miners and lumberjacks were
already arriving, and we really let it out
that night.

They ate us up—come hear "the Big
Band from Chicago,” read an ad in The
Ontonagon Herald the next day. And it was
nice— playing cribbage all day in the Dry
Dock Bar with old Finns, taking saunas
and flogging one another with hemlock
branches after rolling in snowdrifts, drink-
ing ourselves insane every afternoon. Вег-
ler got a groupie on the third night, a frail
thing from Minnesota with skin so preter-
naturally translucent she seemed almost
back-lit. We dubbed her the Fetus, and
when Berler brought her back to the hotel
where we were staying, we gave him holy
hell for it, as must be the case whenever
somebody in a band tries to flaunt somc-
thing.

Being the front man, Berler naturally
gets more groupies than the rest of us—
which is not to say there have been a lot of
groupies in Del-Crustacean history. Five,
maybe six girls total who've actually come
up and implied that they needed sex with a
musician. A lot, of course, is tease.

On another holiday tour—this one in
Key West, Florida—a lush, tanned coed
marched up to Berler and effectively
gagged him with a ten-second tongue-to-
tonsils thrust in mid-song. She then dis-
appeared and never came back. That same
night, Berler thought he had it made vith
another beauty at the bar, Five minutes
later, yet another tube-topped honey
approached and, in a voice tingling with
viciousness, said to him, “I want my stool
back and I want my woman back.” When
we were done playing that night, the band
went to another bar and Berler asked still
another beauty queen to dance. That one
turned out to be a guy. Mind-blown, Ber-
ler danced with him anyway. Dykes and
fags—rock-'n’-roll hazards in Key West.

But in Ontonagon, we felt like the
genuine articles. We'd sit in Syl's Café on
River Street, hung over, loud, insolent,
knowing that it was time to get lit up for
that night’s show. It wasn’t so much us
against the world as it was us despite what-
ever the world could have thrown in our
way just then. We felt like outsiders,
renegades who could strike fear into the
hearts of the city fathers and lust into their
young daughters.

On our last night, a blizzard hit. As we
drove over the Ontonagon River bridge

back into town from Tubby's, I put my car
into a slide that carried us silently down
the center of the main street, revolving
through the swirl like a slow-moving puck.
It was three л.м. and there was nobody
anywhere except a county cop in a patrol
car. He pulled us over and asked us what
the hell was going on.

“Officer,” I said with what seemed like
total clarity, “I’m sorry, but I’m in a band
and I've never seen so much snow."

Тһе cop let us go; he might have sensed
what was happening to us there in the
night. Surely, he could see all the guitars
and gourds and patch cords and dirty
T-shirts in the back, and he might have
felt the transcendence of our mood. It was.
something like this: As our car had circled
and the snow had billowed, I remember
realizing for the first time—I'm here with
my best friends in the world.

.

We're playing tonight. I’m getting fidg-
ety, cranked up. I'm thinking about the
shape of the dance floor in the party room
and whether or not we'll get free drinks. I
may as well leave my desk now, because
I’m useless here. Drew gets in on United at
6:45. Mike and P.J. got in an hour ago.
They're over at Berler's apartment. I know
because Berler called a few minutes ago,
insane.

"Where's Drew?" he screamed.

"In mid-air, you stupid bastard,” I
screamed back.

Gabby right now is driving east on 1-94
with his truck that says DEL-CRUSTACEANS
ROCK stars on the side, the one he uses to
haul lumber and fishing gear back home.

We'll all meet backstage, like we've done
500 times before, and we'll shake hands
and hug and ask one another about our
wives and girlfriends and businesses. Еу-
erybody will have a little less hair or be a
little grayer or paunchier or shorter or
something, and there will be the usual
jokes about old age. Maybe Mike will have
the chords to the Supremes song we've
been trying to learn for the past three
years.

Each of us has another life, but we have
this one, too. Our men’s club, our inner
circle. There are a million good musicians
out there, maybe 10,000,000, and I envy
them all. But we've got a band, and that's
what counts. In about three hours, we'll be
prancing in our red shorts, whipping a
party into line, ecstatic. It's hard to ех-
plain. Jimi Hendrix is gone, and so are
Joplin and Holly and even old John Len-
non. Maybe, in some small way, the Del-
Crustaceans are part of what rock "n' roll
has drummed up to fill that void. Or
maybe we're just aging kids who don't
understand the phrase "graceful exit."
Who knows? I just hope P.J. wears his
new T-shirt tonight, the one that says FUCK
ART, LET'S DANCE.

hs бірі: mb. -
a

LS

Regular and Menthol
Kings and 1005. ”

Kings: 12 mg “Тағ,” 1.0 mgnicotine—100's: 14 mg "'tar;"
1.1 mg nicotine av. per cigarette, by РТС method.

Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined

That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health

© Philip Morris Inc. 1983.

PLAYBOY

172

2OV VER OF АМЕ

55

(continued from раве 122)

“The past dozen years have brought a gush of liqueurs
in flavors the medieval alchemists never dreamed of.”

the milder 80 proof. Nevertheless, there's a
perceptible revival of interest in thc big
hearties, exemplified by the new Barrel
Proof Grand-Dad 114 proof, Old Weller
107 proof and a clutch of whiskeys at 101
proof, Wild Turkey (bourbon and ryc),
Eagle Rare, Ezra Brooks, Old Fitzgerald
and Maker's Mark, among others.

Rum is another case іш point. While
merchandising eflort has been lavished on
the whites, there's an unmistakable con-
sumer interest in the richer golds and am-
bers, such as Myers's Original Dark,
Bacardi Gold Reserve and the tasty new-
comer, Captain Morgan Spiced Rum.
Even some aristocratic, dark liqueur rums
are emerging from cobwcbbed cellars, and
several reach these shores. Appleton
(Jamaica) sends a 12-year-old. Rhum Bar-
bancourt Reserve du Domaine (Haiti) and
Lemon Hart Superb Golden (Jamaica)
check in at 15 years. Such venerable bot-
tlings as Clement Grand Rhum (Маг-
tinique), Sieger's Don Carlos and
Fernandez Dark (Trinidad) and Mount
Gay Sugar Cane Rum (Barbados) are
rarely shipped at present, but connoisseurs
stalk them in their native habitats, bearing
their finds home like trophies.

Cognac and Armagnac follow the same
pattern. Not only is consumption of those
most lavishly endowed brandies rising but
sales of the older, more flavorful designa-
tions—Napoleons, XOs, vieille reserves
and Hors d’Ages—are going at a faster
clip. California brandy distillers, who have
always made a feature of lightness, are
showing interest in а fuller style, too.
Several are producing pot-still brandies—
the method required in the Cognac region.

One to watch for is the Franco-American
collaboration between Rémy Martin and
Schramsberg, called alambic brandy. That
operation, located in Napa, teams French
know-how and California grapes,

Still, it’s liqueur, the category based on
flavor, that provides the most startling evi-
dence of the trend. For centuries, discrimi-
nating drinkers were content with the
array of elegant elixirs epitomized by
Chartreuse and Benedictine, such classic
liqueurs as Grand Marnier, Drambuie,
Cointreau and the popular standards—
blackberry, cherry, anisette, orange, sloe
gin, crème de menthe and crème de cacao.
But the past dozen years have brought a
gush of liqueurs in flavors the medieval
alchemists never dreamed of: kiwi, ha-
zelnut, espresso, coconut, honeydew,
cranberry, walnut, pistachio, praline,
chestnut—plus such innovations as bour-
bon and Canadian liqueurs at 100 proof.
Who knows what’s coming next? Anyone
for honeysuckle?

Carry the word to friends, colleagues
and lovers by exposing them to the distinc-
tively flavored potions described here.

An Armagnac cocktail from La Bastide
Gasconne, in the Armagnac region,

14 ozs, Armagnac

% oz. lemon juice

% tablespoon orange juice

% teaspoon superfine sugar

Rub rim of chimney-top brandy glass
with Armagnac. Invert glass and swirl i
sugar. Tap glass lightly to loosen excess
sugar. Shake all ingredients briskly with
cracked ice. Strain into prepared glass.

“Victor, Га love you even if you weren't horny!”
у 94 у.

KUM-TEA-TUM

1% ozs. dark rum

% oz. amaretto, or to taste

1 teaspoon superfine sugar

Lemon wedge

34 ozs. strong tea, chilled

Shake first three ingredients with
cracked ice. Strain over ice cubes into tall
glass. Squeeze in juice of lemon; drop in
rind, Add tea to taste. Straws optional.

BOURBON BELLINI
(Serves two)

1 fresh, ripe peach, peeled and pitted

3 ozs. pineapple juice

3 ozs. bourbon

¥ oz. apricot liqueur

1 teaspoon superfine sugar, optional

% cup finely crushed ice

Chop peach; place in chilled blender
container with a bit of pineapple juice.
Blend until smooth. Add remaining ingre-
dients; blend until just smooth. Divide
between two chilled wineglasses. Serve
with straws.

Note: If peach is ripe and sweet, you
shouldn't need sugar Canned freestone
peaches may be used if fresh ones are not
їп season.

PALE MOON

1 oz. Benedictine

1 oz. vodka

2 ozs. grapefruit juice

Shake all ingredients briskly with ice.
Strain over ice cubes in old fashioned
glass. Garnish with half slice orange if
desired.

BRANDY SNAP

1% ozs. cognac

Уз oz. orange liqueur

1 teaspoon peppermint schnapps

% cup finely crushed ice

Place all ingredients in chilled blender
Blend until just smooth, Pour
nto chilled old fashioned glass.
with mint sprig if desired.

YELLOW BIRD

1 oz. full-bodied Scotch

% oz. triple sec

% от. yellow Chartreuse

Strip of orange peel

Shake first three ingredients briskly with
ice. Strain into cocktail glass. Twist orange
peel over glass and add to drink.

CAFÉ AU LAIT

1 oz. bourbon

1 oz. coffee liqueur

3^ oz. cream

Dash Angostura

Shake all ingredients briskly with ice.
Strain into cocktail glass or small wine-
glass. Sprinkle lightly with powdered
instant coffee if you like.

Flaunt your good taste by stocking your
bar with an array of the delicious potions
described above. Enjoy a flavor high,

THE SURVIVOR INSTINCT

x К
и - 5 Wad

= _ With nothing but afew provi fectteamworl

EE and the sheer comfort of oar Herman'Survivors,

we managed tô Survive-In style.

PLAYBOY

174

NETWORK OLYMPICS

| (continued from page 76)

"Arledges main mission is to create and orchestrate

a visual mur

area of raw power. For the first time in hu-
man history, a single communications
source will exercise control of an informa-
tion stream influencing the thoughts of
more than half of the people on the planet.

Not that Arledge is content to let things
go at that. Тһе world-wide signal that
ABC originates from Los Angeles will, іп
Arledge's scale of priorities, be of only
secondary importance. His main mission
is to create and orchestrate a visual mural
of the games for his distinct American audi-
ence—an audience that will, after all, be
exposed to more than 1870 minutes of
commercials at a cost of up to $250,000 for
every 30 prime-time seconds.

A little something extra was in order.
Thus, Arledge's production minions will,

il of the games for his audience."

in effect, be generating two 1984 Olympics
telecasts—one for the world, one for the
United States only.

Each Olympic venue will be double-
covered. Cameras transmitting signals to
the international broadcast center (from
which foreign producers will select and
edit their own sequence of images from a
vast menu of monitoring screens) will

mingle with supplemental cameras
"Americanizing" each event for the
domestic feed. At a basketball game at the

Forum, the world and the United States
will follow the basic flow of the game. Only
Americans will glimpse intimate close-ups
of the U.S. coach, Bobby Knight, as he
crouches in a huddle during a time out.
The 1984 Olympic Games in Los

“Tm real glad you like the color of my eyes, fella —
but the gay bar is next door."

Angeles, then, will be pervaded by what
Lionel Trilling once called “instruments of
precision.” By a vast and digital grid of
cables, endless lenses like a maze of gaze:
by eavesdropping mikes for ambient
sound; by switches and levers and wires
the ground. It will be as if the very earth
and air were regarding the athletes, their
every motion and utterance infinitized by
some omniscient Orwellian presence in
this year of Orwell.

But ofall the instruments to be deployed
for these Ultimate Television Olympics,
none will surpass the complexity of the hu-
man instrument who will sit down before
the main control console at TV Center,
Prospect and Talmadge avenues, to com-
mand the American telecast every evening
in prime time.

Arledge's hands-on presence at the con-
trols of ABC’s live coverage may not seem
exceptional to a living-room viewer of tele-
vision sports. (Isn't that what executive
producers are supposed to do—produce?)
Within the television industry, however,
such an act is not only astonishing, it is
tantamount to a suspension of corporate
etiquette. (Not that cither of Arledge’s
counterparts at CBS or NBC could claim
the training or talent to run a sports tele-
cast if he had somehow been seized with
the urge.)

For Arledge is not only an “executive
producer” of ABC Sports—something of
an honorific, truth to tell, for at least the
past decade—he is also the president of
ABC Sports. And of another division,
known as ABC News, besides. (In which
capacity he will be charged with the small
matter of overseeing coverage of the
Democra National Convention, which
will occur shortly before the Olympics,
and of the Republican National Conven-
Чоп, which will unfold shortly thereafter.)

For a television-network executive of
Arledge's rank to descend into the gritty
combat zone of on-line production is an
act roughly comparable to that of a U.S.
President showing up to help lift sandbags
at the banks of a flooded river—and not
just to lift one or two ceremonial bags but
to oversee their supply of sand and person-
ally direct the height and the calibration of
the wall and, in the end, transform the
floodwaters into a lovely municipal lake.

It just isn't done.

But that kind of gesture is the essence оГ
Arledge's intervention in the muddled and
mismanaged history of network-television
sports. It is the essence of the imprimatur
that his stewardship has long since left
upon the American popular culture.
Arledge's many and intricate layers of con-
tribution to video technique have been ге-
ductively pigeonholed by various critics
(and network rivals) as “showmanship,”
as “electronic razzle-dazzle," as “showbi
hype." There is truth in all those capsule
summations. There is basis for the persist-
ent argument that Arledge carried many
of his techniques to excess—whatever rel-
ative meaning the word excess may have

"First ISwitched to rum.
Then I graduated to the flavor of
Myerss Original Dark?

"If you've grown to арргесіше the finer
things in Ше, you'll welcome the difference
of Myers's Original Dark, the world's finest
Jamaican rum à

The Вауогізждеер, rich and adventurous...
pleasingly dry. Because Myerss takes the.
time to make it that way... following the same
^ high standards they set jn 1879. And what
~ Myers’ flavor does for the juice of the

orange is nothing short of wondrous.
You'll see, once you graduate to the flavor
of Original Dark, there's just no turning back"

MYERS'S ORIGINAL DARK.
From the Myers Collection.
^ of Luxury Ruins.

E
=
5

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5
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dr
APORTED AND BOTILED BY THE FRED L

"How 2 months'salary
wound up on Julie’ finger.”

%

Take a look at Julie. No matter where we go, everyone does. So I wanted to get
her the biggest diamond I could afford. One that other men could see without getting
too close. Okay, now take a close look at the diamond. Sure, it’s big, but it’s also beautiful.
Just like Julie. Now I'm not rich or anything. But I found out that 2 months’ salary is
about what a really nice diamond costs nowadays. V3cnt 1/2carat 3/4carat — lant

It comes down to a question of priorities. And +
whats more important thatithe woman you love? ә 9 9 e

$600- %000- $2000 $3000-
$1700 $3500 $6000 $11000*

"Prices shown cover diamonds of medium color and clarity ranges based on retail quotations
which may vary. Send for the booklet, “Everything You'd Love to Know...About Diamonds.”

Just mail $1 to Diamond Information Center, Dept. PL Box 1344, NY, NY. 1010-1344. А diamond is forever. De Beers

in the context of American commercial
television. There is even a compelling
argument for debate on whether some of
those same techniques, transplanted final-
|y to the ABC News division, have
advanced or stood in the way of the Атіейде invented these Ultimate Games
public interest. : in the same sense that he reinvented
But overlooked in those reductions and television.

the vantage point of the video-saturated
Eighties, reinvented television. The 1984
games іп Los Angeles will be a sum-
mation of all that he has accomplished.
In a certain manner of speaking, Roone

Make the day special.

Give hera bridal set
as special as your love.

their ancillary arguments is the elemental Small wonder that he wants to put his
fact that Arledge, in the years since 1960
and to a degree not readily apparent from

fingers, once again, on their controls.

Ej

Almost no one seriously believes that
the networks will cver again command
the automatic access to prime sporting
cvents that they enjoyed through the
end of the Seventies. Even in the Seven-
ties, the most prestigious heavyweight
boxing events had long since been
claimed by closed-circuit and pay-
cable-TV systems. As the Eighties
began and a new political mood of free-
market competition unleashed several
restraints that had kept cable TV arti-
ficially dormant; a new generation of
entrepreneurs began to slash away at
the over-the-air barons’ most prized
sports holdings

Pro basketball and big-league base-
ball transferred from the airwaves to
the wired screen in dozens of regional
markets. Home Box Office, the massive
Time, Inc., cable system, began to car-
ry tape-delay coverage of such top
events as Wimbledon and the U.S.
Open. Then, in 1982, pro basketball
and baseball on cable went national:
The N.B.A. negotiated contracts w
two cable networks, USA and ESPN,
that allowed each system the national
rights to 40 regular-scason and ten
play-off games. Major-league baseball
had a contract with USA for a series of
national Thursday-night cablecasts.
(All of those contracts included black-
out clauses within the home team’s
market arca, and none precluded tele-
cast deals with over-air networks.)

Another form of the cable inv
surfaced with the advent of Atlanta’s
Ted Turner and his superstation,
WTBS. In January 1982, Turner—
whose station beamed its signal via
satellite into cable homes scattered
throughout the U.S.—completed а
deal to pay the N.C.A.A. $17,500,000
for rights to 38 Saturday-night college
football games over a two-year period.

And then there was the United
States. Football League—a bona fide
made-for-television pro league, tailored
to the joint specifications of ABC and
its cable partner, ESPN. With the ad-
vent of the U.S.F.L., cable was on the
verge of parity with the networks as a

sion

THE FUTURE
OF TV SPORTS

conduit for American TV sports

And never assume that cable is con-
tent to be just a partner. “There are
only two cases of virginal property left
to network-television sports,” says Seth
Abraham, HBO's vice-president for

programing, operations and sports.
“They are the Olympics and the
National Football League. 1 would

spell the Olympics with capital letters
as the next target for cable. It is very

expensive, b big, important pro-
graming.”
Actually, Abraham does not expect

HBO or any other system 10 completely
usurp the Seoul Olympics from ABC
(or whichever network lays down the
top bid). No cable outfit has that kind
of capital—yet braham does
forecast is a compli tem of shar-
ing the coverage—a system that he
likens, charmingly, to a chocolate layer
cake. Or, hell, even to a vanilla laver
cake.

"The first layer, in his estimation—
the one with all the candles—will not
be a network,

“At the top, you'll have to have pay
per view,” says Abraham, naming the
variant of cable in which the subscriber
agrees to pay a specific fee, in advance,
so that the signal for a specific event will
be decoded by the vendor. Pay per view
has been highly successful to date with
blue-chip boxing events.

“I think you might sce some pay-pei
view system coming off with the major
events of the next Olympics, the glamor
events," says the HBO chief—
sibly the marathon, the decathlon.

“Then, the second layer of coverage
would be standard commercial TV.

“The third layer would be a pay-
television system such as HBO, in
which you pay an extra charge each
month to receive whatever that channel
is offering. And the fourth layer would
be basic cable, such as ESPN.

“There will be a lot of conversations
going on between now and 1988. And
the final result won't be anything like
what you are used to seeing.”

—RON POWERS

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PLAYBOY

178

JOE PISCOPO onina pon pase 131)

“I hope that when I die, people make fun of me. There's
something really silly about mourning the dead.”

wonderful. Let’s get laid.” People who arc
too up and positive make me nervous. But
I love Letterman. He's not your typical
talk-show host. He's not overly enthusias-
tic. He takes risks, though sometimes they
don't work. 1 don't even see, zs some
critics have suggested, where he's acid-
tongued or an inept interviewer. The first
time I did my Letterman character was on
Letterman's show. He was really gracious.
He asked if I was thinking of di anyone
new, and I said, “Yeah. You.” Then Í put
the little spacer іп my teeth and said
[breaks into Letterman], “Oh, my, oh, my.
We're having more fun than human beings
should be allowed, ladies and gentlemen.”
I looked into his eves, and it was wonder-
ful. He seemed to get a real kick out of it.

8.

rLavooy: Where do you draw the humor
line?

PISCOPO: At vicious attacks on living peo-
ple. On the other hand, I could easily have
done humor about Princess Grace shortly
after her death, because for some reason,
people were making too much of her being
this angel. So dead people arc OK. Elvis is

finc. I wanted to do Karen Carpenter for
Death-TV. I hope that when I die, people
make fun of me, as when Howard Hesse-
man hosted the show and did Belushi jokes
in his monolog. It was wonderful. Belushi
would haye appreciated it. There’s some-
thing really silly about mourning the dead.
I remember a sketch we did called "Rock-
‘n’-Roll Heaven." We marketed Jimi Hen-
drix syringe darts; a Jim Croce plane that
crashed by itself; Mama Cass lunch boxes.
"That's hysterical to me, damn it; but to.
attack living people is uncalled for. But,
hey, talk to me when I’m gone. Pll be inf
my grave and people will be doing Piscopo?
jokes. d

9.

PLAYBOY: Do you have any joke items, such
as whoopee cushions or clown paintings,
їп your house?

riscoro: My God, no. If you've got clown
paintings, you've got serious problems. I
don’t understand clowns, anyway. People
make clowns out like they're brilliant. But,
hey, they paint their face, walk cut and fall
on their ass. Brilliant, They go out and get,

“We all have our own way of dealing with job
stress, Toomey. I believe that an enema, however, is
best taken in the privacy of one’s home.”

into a barrel. Rough work. 1 never even
laughed at clowns as а kid. Clowns are like
mimes. I don't understand mimes, either.
In fact, I can speak on behalf of the entire
cast: We're not mime fans, to put it mildly.
Once, а guy in full mime regalia—white
face, big shoes, gloves—auditioned for one
of the films we were doing. He kept at it so
much that it was pathetic. You know. get
the fuck out of here. I've never seen mime
‘as an art form. I don't mean to be nasty,
because I’m sure mimes and clowns are
very nice people.

10.

#н.лувоу: What's wrong with most comedy
albums?

viscoro: Comics are funny visually, so
when they record an album of stand-up
material, it’s usually not as good as seeing
them onstage. Also, there’s a real void of
albums in the Lampoon vein. Or stuff like
when Albert Brooks said, “You Бе the
comedian,” and left little gaps on the гєс-
ord for the listener. Both were brilliant. T
want to do comedy sketches on my next
album. One idea is using Allen Funt and
making Candid Camera a thread, It would
be as though you were switching a TV
dial. You'd hear, “And now, here's Mr.
Candid Camera himself, Mr. Allen Еши!”
Then: “We took some Tylenol capsules,
opened them up and. . . .” Click. Later,
“We went to Washington, D.C., and
raised the 14th Street bridge about eight
feet and. . . .” Click. “We went to the Belle-
vue Stratford Hotel in Philadelphia dressed
as air-conditioning repairmen. e
Click. Again, dead humor is great.

п.

PLAYBOY: You're playing a gangster in your
first feature film, Johnny Dangerously.
Many of your Saturday Night predecessors
have gone on to do feature films. What has
their experience taught you?

мзсоро: I have to be very careful. I could do
an Animal House or a Stripes tomorrow, but
Ishouldn’t copy Belushi or Murray. So Гуе

, already turned down projects. Those guys

from the old cast could more easily make
mistakes with their first films because the
show itself was so popular. But if 48 HRS.
hadn't worked for Eddie, he'd be in a lot оГ
trouble. So I just want to be in something
that has quality to it. I want the reaction to
be, “Hey, nice performance.” I also love
being in television, and it's where I truly
want to end up. But I have to give films a
shot, because it’s the natural transition.

12.

PLAYBOY; You and Murphy are friends.
Where do you hang out together? What do
you do?

Piscoro: Eddie's one of those magic people.
We laugh and do a lot of silly things. We
bought matching black Jaguar X]Se:
now I'll be making personal appearances in

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PLAYBOY

180

Akron, Ohio, to pay for mine. The last
time I hung out with the Murph, he took
me in his limo to see the new offices of
Eddie Murphy Productions. It was a ter-
rific two-story brownstone with a waterfall
upstairs and Eddie's big office downstairs.
We also go to night clubs. I take him to my
house occasionally. My son loves Eddie.
Our evenings are always pretty straight,
because Eddie doesn't do drugs or smoke
anything. Не docsn't even drink. I usually
have a beer. His favorite drink is root beer
with no ice.

You know, I couldn't see myself on the
show without him. We're not blood
brothers or anything, but Eddie is a source
of inspiration. When he comes up to my
office and we're fooling around, I can write
morc easily. I’ve been having trouble writ-
ing since he’s been off working on movies.
T know it sounds like two old homos talk-
ing, but you know how it is when you have
a friend you can goof off with.

13.

PLAYBOY: Which five guests would you іп-
vite to a fantasy luncheon in your honor?
PISCOPO: Frank Sinatra first. He's the ulti-
mate human being. I've always wanted to
meet him. I once heard a rumor that he
was my dad. I was honored. It's not that I
don't respect my real father enormously,
but having Frank as your dad is nothing to
sneeze at. Also, Frank raises millions for
charity. He's a grandfather. He's a per-
former. And he's got this don't-mess-with-
me attitude. Next, Га have my real father,
because he's always been so supportive of
me. My mother is also great, but she'd be
nagging me to get out of acting: “You
should study more.” I probably should
have listened, because when I look at my
NBC contract, I don’t know what's going
on. I have my wile look it over. But my
dad has always been right there, saying,
“You're terrific." Third, Га have my wife,
Nancy. Actually, you'd have to throw this
luncheon for both of us. So, third —Kim
Novak? No, Mickey Mantle. Не was my
childhood hero. Га also have my brother,
Richie, there. We're close. Не under-
stands. And last, hell, President Reagan. I
don't necessarily want to meet the guy, but
he throws a lot of weight around. And he
knows Frank, and that might make Frank
feel a bit more at home.

14.

PLAYBOY: Why do you do what you do?

PIsCOPO: Сап we get serious for a second? Г
don't know why. Y resent having this drive;
I wish I could get up in the morning and
say, “Honey, Im going to mow some
lawns now” and just be a gardener and
plant trees all day. Га have a beer at
lunch, have a great time, go home, play
with my kid, go to bed early, get up and do
it all over again. But there's something in
me that wants to perform on TV, go to
night clubs occasionally and do movies.
And the drive is a pain in the ass. I can’t
have a normal life. І haven’t seen my fami-

ly in the two anda half years I've been on
the show. I want to be a good husband and
a good father, but 1 don't think I have
been. Sure, Гуе been OK. I drag my
son to the studio once in a while and he
loves it.

I could be a houschusband. Scriously, I
envy what my wife does. I could get into
having a beer, mowing the lawn, doing the
laundry, sitting around. I’m comfortable
cleaning the kitchen. Some people like to
iron, but for me that’s rough. It’s almost
like my own work. I look at a shirt and see
creases I missed. I’m never satisfied. But if
I see clean kitchen counters, Pm happy. In
fact, cleaning the kitchen is my favorite
household task. 1 keep the ТУ going, put
the dishes in the dishwasher, put the bread
away, clean on top of the refrigerator—
most people forget that. Shopping’s a gas,
too. Maybe that should have been my first
movie: The Shopper. Or Groceries. I like to
shop at dinnertime, when everyone else is
eating. If my wife says there’s 2 new shop
in the area, I say, "Oh? How's the produce
department? Good apples?" That's all I
want to do, except that I still have this
drive to perform. I don’t really think I
could just stare at a clean kitchen counter
and be completely satisfied. But still, peo-
ple will read this and say, “The guy’s an
asshole. A domestic asshole, too.”

15.

PLAYBOY: If you could be someone else for a
day, who would it be?

piscovo: Van Gordon Sauter, president of
CBS News. I would love to call up Dan
Rather and say, “What have you got for us
tonight, Dan? Gee, I don’t know. You sure
you're not hitting it too hard on that side?
Make sure it’s objective, OK? Have a nice
day, pal. Dan? Calm down. Relax. OK?" I
love the news and I'm in awe of CBS.
News. And 60 Minutes. Anybody who has
the balls to hire Andy Rooney must be
doing something right.

16.

PLAYBOY: OK, you've been granted a 60-
second interview with Princess Diana.
What would you talk about?

piscoro: Га tell her I admire her because
she obviously dislikes all the attention and
just wants to stay home and hang out with
Chuck. I can identify with that. Га also
clear up some rumors, like whether or not
she's got anorexia nervosa and the stuff.
about Chuck's really being gay. I don't
think Га mention that I found the whole
wedding thing a bore, though. I didn't get
into it one bit, and after the networks spent
all that money. Frankly, 1 think the Eng-
lish monarchy is one of the most ridiculous
things in the world. They've got all this
money that they spend on pomp, cere-
mony, jewels and crowns when it could
be put to some worthwhile use. But I like
Di. From what І hear, she seems a regular
gal. She doesn’t like to put up with the
bullshit.

17.

PLAYBOY: What's the future of sports іп
America in 25 words or less?

riscoro: Hello again, everybody. Joe Pis-
copo. Live. Saturday Night Sports. 'The big
story? Sports. The future? Expensive!

18.

PLAYBOY: What convinced you to do a Bat-
ile of the Network Stars?
тзсоро: Only one reason—to meet How-
ard Cosell. I was in this event where you
throw a softball at a target and if you hit it,
an actress іп a T-shirt and a bikini bottom
falls into a tank of water. I was terrible at
it. My arm is a bit erratic when I'm not in
training. I had three throws and missed
two. Cosell kept yelling, “You stink! Get
him out of there." I think Catherine Bach
was on the drop seat, and Cosell kept bust-
ing my ass about how much I wanted her.
That was his idea of humor. He kepr
saying, “I sec the lust in your cyes,
po. You want that woman." I cannot tell
you how happily married I am. I kept tell-
ing Howard, but he wouldn't let up. We
flew back to New York together. He’s a
thoroughly enjoyable, fascinating man.
Another reason I did the show is that
you can make big bucks. During the tug of
war, I kept yelling, “C’mon. Pull. Pull. I
need the money." But the Hollywood stars
just said, "Who needs it? I already have
my Mercedes.”

0-

19.

PLAYBOY: If, in overdue recognition of your
fanatic dedication to athletics, Sports Illus-
trated asked you to edit its annual swimsuit
issue, how would you handle the assign-
ment?

viscora: Га put young boys on the cover
No. How could I say that? Well, the girls
they use, like Chery! Tiegs and Christie
Brinkley, are very attractive, but Га use
real women. Elke Sommer. Linda Evans.
Kim Novak. She used to knock me out.
"They're all classy, sexy ladies. [Aside]
Now, Nancy, if you're reading this, I love
you, baby, and you should be on the cover.
But for the sake of PLAYBOY, Га put in
women with tits. Nice women. Sexy
women. At the risk of my wife's leaving
me. [Phone rings] Saved by the phonc.
“Oh, hi. Just talking about you. Uh-huh
OK, be home soon.” [Hangs up] 1 feel
very self-conscious talking about other
women. I respect my wife more than any-
thing. I don't want to offend her. So let's
say Га put matronly women in. How
about Ethel Merman in a two-piece bath-
ing suit on the cover? Kate Smith? Be
great.

20.

PLAYBOY: What’s a better way to spend
Saturday night than watching your show?
piscopo: [Heavy Меш York accent] Hey,
fuckin’ your wife!

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SEX SURVEY

(continued from page 96)

that we're not. Now's the time to turn to
the subject of sexual timing. Before we do,
it’s worth noting that these data should be
taken only as general guidelines. So much
writing about sex in recent years has called
itself definitive, making sex sound me-
chanical, step by step. It is a paint-by-
numbers approach to a subject whose
complexities demand more than that.
Even the few studies we have seen pub-
lished about sexual timing have made sex
sound like a track meet in which the
slowest time wins. Nothing has been that
baldly accessible since the Telly Savalas оГ
ten years ago.

The experience of sex is subjective. So is
the experience of time. To some people,
ten minutes in bed seems like four. To
others, it seems like forever. W we have
enough respondents in our sample to even
those differences out, we want to leaven
what could be a mechanical discus-
sion with an understanding of what is most
important in sex—the experience as per-
ceived by the participants.

We asked our respondents to tell us how
long it takes them to climax. A third of the
women said it depends on their mood or
the mood of their partners. The rest gave
us estimated durations and it is from those
estimates that we have learned the fol-
lowing.

If we say a man takes ten utes to
climax and would like to take longer, it is
not the ten minutes that matters. What
matters is that he and his partner be
compatible. Timing is a vital element of
compatibility. If he takes ten and so
does she, that’s fine. If he takes five and so
does she, that’s fine, too. If there's a dis-
crepancy—if he takes five and she takes
15, say—our information may help them
compromise at ten. The key is not the
actual duration. They may both say they
take ten minutes; it may actually be nine
or eight or six or 20. The key seems
to be that both partners’ sexual time
line be roughly the same. That’s the way
it is for most orgasmic women and their
partners.

With that said, here is what the women
we surveyed have to tell us about timing
and sex.

Forty percent of the orgasmic women
usually become aroused in less than five
minutes. Slightly more than a quarter of
the sometimes-orgasmic and less than a
quarter of the nonorgasmic women can
become aroused that quickly.

Take it up to ten minutes and our two
extreme groups diverge even more. Eighty
percent of the orgasmic women need less
than ten minutes to become aroused. But
just about half of the nonorgasmic women
take more than ten minutes.

It is clear from those numbers that fore-
play is more crucial to women who

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"Offhand, Га say its diet goes a long шау toward
explaining the lack of reported sightings.”

PLAYBOY

184

have trouble reaching orgasm than to
those who don't. All women may enjoy it,
but nonorgasmic women need it to reach
what Masters and Johnson call “the
plateau phase" of sexual response. That's
the stage in which sexual excitement is
under way and the body begins preparing
for orgasm. Women who don't get enough
foreplay often cannot reach even the
plateau phase, much less orgasm.

Sex researcher Seymour Fisher, author
of The Female Orgasm. doesn’t think a
man’s sexual behavior has much to do
with bringing a woman to orgasm
“beyond the point of delivering a certain
necessary minimum of stimulation.” The
women we surveyed indicate that the
necessary minimum varies quite a bit from
woman to woman—that’s the whole point
o woman is going to reach the heights of
orgasm unless she has first reached the
plateau,

Once arouscd, the women we surycyed
take off in different directions. Nonorgas-
mic women are almost evenly divided in
terms of the time it takes them to climax
(on the rare occasions they do). Forty-
seven percent say they climax іп less
than ten minutes. The rest take longer
than that.

The sometimes-orgasmic women we
surveyed are faster. Nearly 60 percent of
them reach orgasm іп less than ten
minutes

The breakdown is much more lopsided
among orgasmic women. Just 28 percent
need ten minutes or more to go from
plateau to orgasmic peak.

It ought to be apparent by now that
there are sizable ferences in women's
speed of sexual response, just as there are
in their capacity for haying orgasms. Are
those differences intrinsic to the women
themselves, or are there other factors at
work?

Some distinctions are intrinsic. A
woman's emotional and physical make-up
determine to a large degree whether she
climaxes in a minute or in an hour. Fisher
thinks it all revolves around a woman's.
past ability (or inability) to hold on to the
objects of her affection. Masters and Joh:
son think thc quality of clitoral stimulation.
is what counts the most. For those reasons
and others, it has long been accepted that
many women simply cannot achieve
orgasm.

We will never join Hite in the quest for
female superiority, but we're cool on "fri-
gidity" as well. Orgasms are as normal for
women as they are for men. Our findings
suggest that the women we have been call-
ing nonorgasmic might better be described
as "slowly orgasmic.

We asked our female respondents to
estimate the time it takes their male part-
ners to ejaculate. They did a pretty good
job. The men said it takes them an average
of ten minutes. The women estimated 9.6
minutes.

The men Kinsey studied back in the
Forties took, on the average, only fwo min-
utes to ejaculate. That means men ге
quintupled their time to orgasm іп less
than 40 years. Our data show that most
men still climax before most women, but
the gap is narrower.

What happens if it narrows even more?
What happens if it closes? The Tonight
Show's ratings will take a dive, for one
thing. But for another, we may find that
our nonorgasmic women have been just а
step or two behind the rest

The orgasmic women in our sample are

the most likely to have lovers who take
their time. Although women overall say
their partners take less than ten minutes to
ejaculate, nearly 40 percent of the orgas-
mic women say their partners take longer
than that.

Now look at the other extreme: Three
out of four nonorgasmic women tell us
their lovers are in and out in less than ten
minutes.

That is another mutually reinforcing cy-
cle. Orgasmic women can work themselves
into a sexual lather much faster than
nonorgasmic women. Because a great
many men can't or don't postpone their
own orgasms for longer than ten minutes,
a woman who climaxes quickly has a far
better chance of climaxing at all.

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Say a woman's partner invariably takes
the average time—ten minutes. If she
takes II, she'll almost always have trouble
reaching orgasm. She may never reach it,
in fact. Experience with orgasm begets
greater ease in reaching it, so women who
are quickly orgasmic find it easier and
easier to climax. Conversely, women who
are slowly orgasmic may well remain
stranded—not quite getting there time
after time after time.

Orgasmic women, to put it simply, are
more in syne with their partners. Only 28
percent of them take more than ten min-
utes to climax. Of that 28 percent, the
vast majority have partners who take just
as long. But more than half of the nonor-
gasmic women take more than ten
minutes. Of those, 66 percent say their
partners take less than ten minutes

We can make this in-sync business
clearer by looking at the numbers a differ-
ent way. The in-sync factor is working
against more than а third of the nonorgas-
mic women we surveyed—34 percent of
them take more than ten minutes, while
their partners take less than ten minutes.
But it is working for the orgasmic women
we surveyed—only eight percent of them
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like more of it. Many of them need more. | | $420 Postpaid.
They want their men to take all the time | | Бода

they can. To take a little extra time in fore- | | Southern

play, a little extra care in oral sex, a little | | Сото"

more interest in open conversation about | | Label

sex. They would like their men to try to | | Tshirt.
stay on the safe side, since all that is liable | | $4.50
to happen is that they—the women— | | Postpaid.

might climax first. When all is said and | | 190450.
done, it may be that not every woman can | | ЁШ,
have an orgasm every time, but everybody | | $4.00
wants to have a chance. Postpaid.

So much for proselytizing. Now we get
to do our favorite kind of demolition, the
exploding of sexual myths. They are the
tried and falsisms of a subject that’s only
about two feet from our hearts, so we have
to have a personal stake in them. Please
watch out for flying myth material.

* Women сап “ре! in touch with their

CALL TOLL FREE 1-800-325-4268. А
Weekdays 9AM-4PM, CST (MasterCard/VISA only) фію? ШЕ МІН,

ог send check or money order to: The Paddle Wheel Shop,
РО. р 142 3 2 Louis, MO 63132-0129.

185

GOING BUMP IN THE NIGHT

musings on the verge of coming or going

I'm lying on my back and I'm not
alone. I've been exchanging sexual ges-
tures of growing intensity with my part-
ner for ten minutes, and the slow buzz
of the arousal stage before orgasm has
begun. The muscles of my pelvic floor
want something to press against.
That's why Гуе gotten horizontal. Тһе
seduction has been near perfect; I’m
not sure who's been seducing whom.
Like call and response, I nibble, he
licks; I press, he tugs. We make forays
into each other's body cavities, and I
think I have a launch. He penetrates
me, and I figure, Sure, I could do this
for a couple of hours. He’s thinking the
same thing and gushes, “Your body
was just made for sex.”

Oh-oh. The force of those few kind
and seemingly innocuous words turns
my muscle tension to mush, and as my
eyes glaze over, it’s Na, na, hey, hey,
goodbye orgasm. For some crazy
reason, my partner’s words have cued
up something my gynecologist once told
me—“Your body was just made for
having babics"—and I immediately
have to compare and contrast the two
statements. Why, at this sensitive mo-
ment, I should be pondering that appar-
ent contradiction in the evolutionary
process, neither I nor my gynecologist
nor my partner knows. But my brain
has stepped in uninvited; Гус been dis-
tracted, and my partner has been left to
wonder what he did wrong.

The orgasm that slipped away.
When you get there, orgasm is not a
tentative thing. But the route to it
sometimes is. Just when you think
you've got it hooked, it can break the
line and swim upstream.

The peril exists in an infrastructure
of factors that knows по particular
order but is always there, leaning on
the arousal state. Smells, sounds, ran-
dom thoughts—they’re all part of it.
The practical problems of taking
clothes off, shifting into a horizontal
mode or putting your hands someplace
can throw off the sexual system. Some-
times, a frontal lobotomy seems іп
order, just to make the orgasm less
mental. Short of brain surgery, though,
there are remedies for some of the
glitches that have been known to cause
shutdowns. So pay attention, boys and
girls. Here are some tips.

* Words. During sex, don’t speculate
on life at large and you probably won't
direct your partner’s thoughts toward
academic topics. Keep the conversation

immediate: “That feels good.” “Your
eyes are pretty.” "Lets play horsy.”
When you ask, “Does this feel good?
listen for the answer. Ifit’s no, do some-
thing else.

* Establish eye contact. Put a head-
lock on each other's eyes, especially
during oral sex, and heart and mind
will follow.

+ Scratching for it. Sexual gestures
ought not to be tentative. Confidence
implies competence, and lack of either
is contagious.

* Boys, remember: Don't look a gift
horse in the mouth. If а woman is

ing tender care to your favorite
erogenous zone, your attempt to re-
ciprocate immediately may not be wel-
come. Learn to lie there and take it like
a man. She's enjoying herself, and her
gencrosity can be repaid later. Never,
under any circumstances, Ье a regula-
tion, no-introductions-necessary muff
diver. You know, the fellow who slides
his tongue in without so much as a
wink of recognition. He skips the ears,
the nipples, the lips. He sometimes
forgets to say hello. As Waylon Jen-
nings said, "If I wanted to be rail-
roaded, I would have been a train.”

* And, girls, lab evidence shows that
you are more easily distracted during
sex than men. So unplug the phone,
change the Kitty Litter, lynch the
kitty, lock the doors, remove the tam-
pon, turn off the oven and get out the
petroleum jelly before you start. Your
orgasm will thank you.

.

If orgasm is that delicate, it may
seem a wonder that women don’t just
give up hetero sex and masturbate.
And, of course, they do masturbate. I
do. I can hit all the right spots. I can do.
it lying down or standing up, avoiding
the interruptions and the mental mis-
cues that a partner can bring with him.
I can proceed easily through the pre-
liminary stages of orgasm that the sex
experts describe—desire, arousal,
plateau. And then, solitarily, I can
come. No sweat. That takes me to that
last stage of orgasm—resolution, Camp
Overlook, the wind down. That is when
masturbation teaches its one great les-
son: Ultimately, it’s not the same. You
can’t cuddle yourself.

And that's why, in the end, if a man
wants to distinguish himself with me
sexually, he'll stick around until the
end to give me a pat on the back.

— KATE NOLAN

bodies” through masturbation. OK,
this is not quite a myth. The myth comes
in when people believe such selfservice
“getting in touch” will make a woman
more orgasmic during intercourse. While
masturbation may be a good way for both
men and women to lcarn about thcir sex-
ual responses, our data indicate that it
doesn't have anything to do with inter-
course. The women we surveyed do not
use masturbation as practice.

More than a third of the nonorgasmic
women masturbate morc than once a
weck. Only a touch more than a quarter of
the sometimes-orgasmic and orgasmic
women masturbate that often. It is the
women who have trouble climaxing who
masturbate the most, so the practice-
makes-perfect doctrine doesn’t hold up.

+ Women who don’t have orgasms in
intercourse get them anyway, through
oral sex. Another misapplication of cause
and effect. According to our figures, orgas-
mic women get cunnilinged more than
anyone else. Fifty-four percent of them
receive oral sex every time or most
times they have sex. For the sometimes-
orgasmic women, that figure is 47 рег-
cent. For the nonorgasmic women, it is
only 38 percent.

Many men perform cunnilingus until
their partners are barely aroused and then
commence intercourse. They see cunni-
lingus more as foreplay than as a way for
women to reach orgasm. It can, of course,
be both, but that doesn’t seem to be the
case for many couples. Almost half of the
nonorgasmic women complain that they
don’t get enough oral sex. Even more of
them say they don't get enough foreplay.
Tn both cases, they would like their men to
show more stick-to-itiveness. We suspect
that the reason they want more oral sex
is that they apparently are nol getting
orgasms from it now.

+ Orgasmic women have the most lov-
ers. The best, perhaps, but not the most.
Before long, we will dispense with all the
variations of practice makes perfect. “Ѕуп-
chronization makes perfect” would be
closer to the truth. Unless partners spend
their sexual time working toward getting
in sync, all the practice in the world won't
make a great deal of difference.

Eight percent of the orgasmic women we
surveyed have had more than 50 lovers.
Eight percent of the sometimes-orgasmic
women haye had more than 50. Eight per-
cent of the nonorgasmic women have had
more than 50. All you can say about
people who have had a lot of lovers is that
they have had a lot of lovers.

+ Women who lose their virginity ear-
ly are the most orgasmic. Men who lose
their virginity early may be the most likely
to pop off in high school, but that’s about
as far as you can go with this one. The age
at which a woman begins sexual activity

seems to have no bearing оп her orgasmic
capability. Women who started in back
seats at drive-ins at 16 are no more nor less
orgasmic than those who started in honey-
moon suites at 24.

We have nothing against practice, early
or late, but timing is demonstrably more
telling. In any case, isn’t it time to moth-
ball the phrase “lost her virginity”?
Wouldn’t “first had intercourse" or “Бе-
gan sexual activity" be better? “I lost my
virginity” sounds almost as antique as
“Where’s my zoot suit?”

* Women who use reliable birth con-
trol are more orgasmic than women
who don’t. The theory is that women who
know they can count on their birth contro!
are more relaxed about sex than those who
aren't so sure. It makes sense. It isn’t true.
There is no relationship in our data be-
tween orgasmic capability and birth con-
trol. Orgasmic women, in fact, are the
most likely of all to say that they use no
birth control (and we included tubal liga-
tion and vasectomy in our birth-control
question). Interestingly enough, though,
nonorgasmic women are the most likely to
say they rely on coitus interruplus—a sin-
gularly unsatisfying way to pull out of a
sexual encounter—as their form of birth
control.

It may be that danger spices the sexual
experience. It may be that orgasmic
women are less concerned with the con-
sequences of sex and more concerned with
the sensations. Until some smart sexolo-
gist sends us the perfect elucidation, we'll
hedge and say its probably a little
of both.

* Women are responsible for еі
own orgasms. Macha motivation is fine,
but it is presumptuous to take a shared re-
sponsibility and try to make it your own.

We asked all of our respondents, Who is
responsible for the female orgasm? (The
male one seems to take care of itself.)
There were only infinitesimal differences
among the groups of women—or between
the women and the men, for that matter.
Almost everyone thinks women and men
alike have to pull their own sexual weight,
an acknowledgment that many hands do,
indeed, make lighter work.

By the same token, this is actually some-
thing ofa trick myth. Our question is sim
lar to the question Are you satisfied? in
that most people probably answered the
way they thought they should. Doesn't it
sound sensible and responsible to say we
all share the burden for everybody's
orgasms?

Orgasmic women, like the rest of us, pay
lip service to that kind of egalitarianism.
They are not waiting around for some-
thing to happen. They are far and away
the most likely of all the women we sur-
veyed to say that “ту own orgasm’
one great moment in intercourse.

gasmic women don't value orgasms so
highly. They are less than half as likely as
orgasmic women to put their own climaxes
at the top of the sexual list.

Whoever is ultimately responsible,
orgasmic women are out there making
their orgasms happen. That is one of the
secrets of their success.

Recent years have taught us that real
men don't eat quiche, that real women
don't pump gas, that there are certain pre-
scribed ways to make love to a woman or a
man and that little old radio psychologists
can make hay ШІ the cows come home
spinning advice on the relative merits of
spitting out and swallowing sperm. We
would hate to be left out of the fun of pack-
aging sex information with catchy hooks,
so maybe it’s time for some weird but true
information. File it under the heading
ORGASMIC WOMEN DONT COUNT THE CRACKS
IN THECEILING.

ORGASMIC WOMEN THINK VARIETY STHE SPICE

Orgasmic women are more
than most women. They think the s
experience can be heightened dramatically
as it plays itself out, as a matter of acts. Of
the most sizzling segment of our orgasmic
sample—the women who never have

sex without orgasm—28 percent say a
“willingness to experiment” is the single
best thing you can find in a lover.

A diamond is forever, but a little
blueberry jam and a heat-sceking replica

of the MX missile is tonight.

ORGASMIC WOMEN DISAGREE WITH.
FINGERPRINTING EXPERTS.

Fingerprinters know that the finger tips
are, objectively, the most sensitive parts of
the body. They have the greatest concen-
tration of nerve endings. True but boring.
The women in our survey say their breasts
are, subjectively, the most sensitive parts of
their anatomy. The orgasmic women put
breasts over the top, but we counted
almost as many breast votes from the
sometimes-orgasmic and the nonorgasmic
women,

‘Those women—and there are a lot of
them—can be sexually triggered by men
who stimulate their breasts gently. They
are sure to be turned off by men who treat
breasts the way gorillas treat American
Tourister luggage.

ORGASMIC WOMEN DONT
BUY WHAT OLD WIVES SAY

The ancient matrons’ adage has it that
familiarity breeds contempt. The orgasmic

“Say, sweetie, how'd you like to come up to my room
and sit on my fez?”

187

» women we surveyed are not too primed for
© breeding in the first place, but they would
E probably say that familiarity breeds con-
tentment
ж The married women in our sample are
А slightly more orgasmic than the single
E women. There is every indication that
that’s because the married women have
C3 had more time to get in sync with their
partners. Since women's orgasmic pat-
terns are as individual as their fingerprints.
(see page 187), men who have spent a соп-
siderable amount of time with the same
partner have a certain advantage. They
have had time to get acquainted with their
partner's desires and sensitivities
Women who always climax (they are the
most convulsive 27 percent of our orgas-
mic group) are the most likely of all to be
in relationships of more than four years’
duration. Women who never climax are
the least likely to be in such long-standing
arrangements. The moral of this young
wives’ tale? Invest years in a relationship
with an old wife and she'll only develop.
contempt for vou. Spend the same amount
of time with one of the women who
answered our survey and you may learn
the story of O.
ORGASMIC WOMEN KNOW
JACQUELINE SUSANN WAS RIGHT
Once may be enough for many folks, but
asmic women, it’s often just aperitif.
Most of the men and the women in our
Country-Smart TERMPAPER survey have intercourse once during an
evening devoted to sex. Of all the women
Western Proud BL ES? we surveyed, just six percent have sex
more than three times during those nights.
кш дап Coron oio Meter U af But of the women who always climax, 17
inspired clothing for men and women. з
Canis emari гулы percent usually go for more than three
and family, and time-proven basic times when they go for it at all
accessories like hard-working leather
Боо belia а ШЫСЫ ate end С ORGASMIC WOMEN ARE LIKE ASTRONAUTS
(шарна! One of them may be one, for all we
Send For Your pu Ay ues | know. We hope so. But there's no doubt
[ ©! FREE С. < е r^wi Ме | p of them are highly susceptible to G
Ж Fall 1983 TERMPAPER CATALOG We didn't ask our respondents about
| Western 1270 SAND choose from | the G Spot Our questionnaire was written
Catal A subjects, Save bine and improve your | "early two years ago, when sex researchers
alog grades. Rush $2.00 for your 306 page, were still looking in vain for the F spot.
Today! mail order catalog “Discovered” by and named for Ernst
I Example Listing: 6702 — MARX & DURKHEIM. Grüfenberg, the spot lies in the front wall
EREE otter M ынет ага Ошма ay | of the vagina, about twb inches above the
{Sheplers Western Catalog, anomie. 9 footnotes, E bibliographic sources, 11 pages. vaginal entrance. There is a great deal of
| CALL TOLL-FREE 1-800-835-4004 RESEARCH ASSISTANCE also provides | controversy over how much the power of
| Sheplers Dept. 162. Р.О. Box 7702. custom research ana thesis assistance. the spot may have been exaggerated, but
MU ete [Rise eats] sva ante Quality every woman seems to have one. Dr.
H guaranteed! (Sold for research purposes У = s
MEN —— — only. Void where prohibited.) Theresa Crenshaw (author of Bedside
aie ee oor aac а ی‎ Manners) and colleagues, in fact, claim to
H C I - == | Eu Fm e. || have. “indisputable histologic evidence”
! | Pease ust ny catalog, Enclosed ts S2000 cover postage. | | that the G spot in the female is analogous
H | seme — * |ә the male prostate. We'll all be hearing
H © SHEPLERS | ares ooo [| û great deal more about this in the near
H 1 ل را ا‎ Be ج‎ 1 future.
ше 1. The World's Largest Western Store! ор || Тіс G spot can be hard to find if the

woman in whom you're searching for it is
lying down. It will probably be easier to
locate if she is sitting or squatting. To find
it, explore the upper front wall of the vagi-
na, applying more pressure than you
would to her external genitalia. If the spot
bulges a little when you stimulate it, that’s
swell. You're doing fine. It should feel like
a small pebble between your fingers. Keep
applying a firm upward pressure on the
vaginal wall. See what happens. Practice
and patience may be the keys here.
Pushing downward on the woman's abdo-
men, just below her navel, sometimes
helps stimulate the spot

Some women don’t get much out of the
G-spot stimulation. For others, it leads to
a зегісз of powerful orgasms and (maybe)
even female ejaculation. G spotters are still
looking for the source of the female’s ejacu-
late, which is like semen but carries no
sperm.

Apparently not just another trendy
night spot, the G spot may help free
women from the clitoral tyranny that has
been imposed by Masters and Johnson,
Hite and others. It’s the most sensational
development in amateur spelunking since
the Davy lamp.

The past decade’s emphasis on women
and women’s orgasms has brought the
sexes closer to equality. At the same time,
it has put greater and greater performance
pressures on men. One of the most striking
examples of those pressures that we've yet
seen came across the Playboy Advisor's
desk the other day.

A sociologist asked a group of men if
they would be willing to give up orgasms
for the rest of their lives—that’s right, for-
ever—in exchange for being made con-
summate technical lovers. You know—the
mythical kind who always leave women
gasping, glowing and grateful. Did the
men rise up and do the pogo on the
sociologist’s supine form?

Hardly. Most of the men said they'd
take him up on the offer.

Those men are admirably unselfish, but
they've got their hearts where their gonads
ought to be. Rather than dream of Faus-
tian bargains, the women we surveyed
scem to be saying, men should simply ex-
pend more time and energy—especially
time—getting in sync with their women
Women are looking for experimental, con-
siderate, patient partners, not sacrificial
lambs.

The Sixties promised mutual gratifica-
tion and the Seventies delivered mutual
manipulation. Here's hoping what's left of
the Eighties can usher in some sexual syn-
chronization. If that happens, there won't
be so many men who think all a woman
has to do is lie there, counting the cracks
in the ceiling.

By Kevin Cook in collaboration with
Arthur Kretchmer, Barbara Nellis, James R.
Petersen, Janet Lever and Rosanna Hertz.

und. Lightwe!

i sot Q:
Small ope sides of the tape. Pan sonic 4

5 — s.
ly Rte player таре and AA batteriet not a sig ahead of our time.

Good times offer:

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Seven" and “TUP” are trademarks of the Seven Up Company. 189

ОНКИ" de ий ет

AZ MM 2

MEN NEVER DO THIS: ec enm venim S evento) Ese, (Meee ne
THEY E TELLING You.

ссн IVE GoT YO
POWDER Room!

e | | a:

UKETHAT? 05 55

|
|
1

BESIDES, FE SWEATS UKE А
PIS WHEN Қалы SCREWING)

WITH ALL THAT EQUIPMENT,
175 р156

YOUD THINK HED KNOW HOW

by
NIE)

Ез Ree.

DID 1 HEAR You SAY YOUR BOYFRIEND SWEATED A LOT?

мү LATE HUSBAND DID That. IT USED ТО PRIP

RIGHT INTO My EYES. DISGUSTING, WHAT IN
Woo po, T Асу

l

Mee “ТЕС d 2

IN FACT, 1 DION'T EVEN REALLY ENJOY SEX UNTIL L MET MILTIE,
HE'S Li IKE А 20-YEAR-OLD HE SAYS ITS BECAUSE

HES PP RW AMA. í

к C JE. Wm

WHAT A NICE LADY...
WE'D BETTER GET BACK
Bors.

1

Bringing. (feu Хосе а

WOMEN OFTEN TAKE MUCH
LONGER THAN MEN TO ACHIEVE
ORGASM.

HONEY, WHAT
DAY vs IT?

эў WATCH

YOU MUST ВЕ GENTLE АМО
PATIENT...

UNLESS SHE WANTS YOU TO BE
A RAGING TIGER...

BUT, DARLING, WEVE BEEN
AT THIS SINCE
MONDAY
NIGHT

You'Re
SO SELFISH!

No, мо МОРЕ SEX, EVER. = oon, YOu'RE.
AGAIN, DO YoU HEAR ME! 2) so VIRILE

TL =
BECAUSE OF Low “ORGASMIC
THRESHOLDS,” SOME WOMEN
RESPOND TO THE SUGHTEST Touch.

OTHERS REQUIRE STIMULATION
OF A SPECIFIC SMALL RREA.

Y КАО (e

GET HER FACE
WI
PURPLE AND HERE Yew N
ILL BUG OUT.

icu SRE WILE,

PANI

#4: AFTER WA SN VDLSIONS,

ALTHOUGH MANY FEEL THAT
VERBALLY EXPRESSED SEXUAL
REQUESTS RUIN THE SPONTANEITY,
ITS JUST МОТ TRUE/

HAVE You FINISHED READING THE
VIBRATOR MANUALYEN?S DID YOU
MEMORIZE MN .
EROGENOUS ZONESC
LET ME KNow WHEN,
xev HAVE, OK

#5: IF SHE ро
ES ANY
gus AND TELLS You NGA
ME, DON'T BELIEVE HER

191

К Л QUANTA- AND THE СОМ
Kinga ama рүү (continued from page 86)

1005,4 mg. “tar”, 0.4 mg. nicotine larning: The Surgeon General Has Determined
av. per cigarette, FIC Report Маг "83. (ШШЕ. ШЕ Sire ETE

That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health.

of lager was all Quantrill wanted.

“Why don't you come up to the house?”
he said after the first sip. “You can bring
your lady wife, and we'll have a la мр-
per. ГЇЇ get Jeffries to take you home in the
саг?

I held back, looking at Barton, who

y d in this kind of thing

“We'll have two double Scotches here,

lease, John,” Quantrill said, not w
for an answer. Half an hour and another
Scotch later, we're driving up the v
street in Quantrill's Bentley, with a chau
feur—not a local man but a geezer with a
bent nose and a London accent who called
us sir.

It wasn't like being in a car, with all that
walnut and shiny glass. Thick carpet, soft
A beige material over the roof—and the

N smell of leather! “I could get used to this if

I forced myself" Barton said. Quantrill
. handed ош cigars and showed из how to

light them. Bloody great things they were,
4 too. He just sat in the corner, puffing away
and not saying much

We parked as close аз we could get to
Barton's cottage, and the two of us went

side to fetch Goldfish. She was bending
over the table, making new curtains. He
made her jump by pinching her on the
2 bum, then һе whispered something in her
саг that made her laugh. “ОҺ, а
4-74 but we can't Бе all night."

, nag, nag,” Barton said, winking
at me. He was feeling full of himself, you
( could see that! “It'll be a laugh, dri
|| | around in the old bugger’s Bentley. Any-
в“, л way, you won't mind him so much this
/ time. He's not drunk, not like before."

I still think there's something wrong
with him," she said. "What's he want with
us? Buying all that champagne, giving his
money away. Now we're driving out to his

house in the middle of the night."
only ten o'clock."

She got in and sat next to Quantrill,
^ who moved over to make room.
Theres only EE vk de pete ОС
= said. “I'm delighted that you could join
one way to play it. 2 Ке

“Home, James,” said Barton
.

Тһе Lincoln pl I never did
used to thinking of it as Quantrill's—is
about four miles from our village. A big
chillylooking house with a dry moat
around it, standing in open park land at
the end ofa half-mile driveway. We used to
go there to sing carols with the Sun
school. Some winters, we'd have a br:

outplays them all.
band with us, playing nice and soft, every-
one wearing gloves athing out little

clouds under the light at the :

Old Lincoln's epp ladys, us
“Not too loud.” she “5

working on his insects.” I bet the old boy

would have had a fit if he could have seen

No other ultra brings

ou a sensation this
refreshing. Even at 2 mg.,

Kool Ultra has taste that

© 1962 BAW TCo.

3

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us the night we went there with Quantrill.

All the lights were on, curtains wide-
open, a couple of dogs barking somewhere
inside. We went up the steps and through
the big studded door at the front into an
entrance hall that was bigger than any
house I’m ever likely to live in. Quantrill
showed us into an even larger room where
there was a huge fire going and told us to
make ourselves comfortable while he went
to use the telephone. Barton pretended to
be one of those tour guides at a stately
home, making jokes about dungeons and
jewels, but I wasn’t really listening.

You can laugh at the rich if you like—
we've all done it—but when you get close
to them and see how they live, the things
they take for granted, it soon wipes the
smile off your face. I don’t know why this
should be, but it is, and it’s not just
jealousy, either; it’s something else.

It's unsettling. I suppose if you thought
about it too much, it would make you feel
dirty and stupid, so I try not to think
about it. Anyway, without rich people,
who'd pay the rest of us? That's what my
old mum used to say, and she should know
after a lifetime with my dad, who never
had ninepence in his pocket that he didn’t
owe to someone else.

So I could understand why Barton was
making jokes. He was just nervous. We're
used to being in houses where you can
smell food cooking in the next room, with
the TV or the radio on and a clothes rack
with the washing drying in front of the fire.
This place was morc like a muscum, with
the pictures on the walls and the dark-
green-velvet curtains from the floor to the
ceiling. Me and Goldfish didn’t talk, we
whispered, while Barton kept up his tour-
guide act.

“Оуег here, we have the fireplace. As
you can sce, this comes in handy for roast-
ing ап ox when we're feeling a bit

рен
"Hell hear you,” Goldfish said,
annoyed.
“Fuck him; he's a wanker.”
"Dont

“Well, he is; he must be."

“Just because he's got money?"

“No. Because he's a wanker.”

“We didn’t have to come. You could
have said no.”

That was when Quanuill came back
into the room, rubbing his hands and
beaming all over his face.

“The first order of business is to have a
drink,” he said. “Any requests? Come on,
don't be shy; we're well supplied.”

Barton caught my eye and leered.

.

1 can't say I remember everything that
happened during the next four or five
hours, but we got through a few bottles,
boy. Barton tried the lot—six kinds of
whiskey, white and dark rum, brandy, gin,
vodka and that sweet green stuff in the
long bottles. Christ, he was some sick.

194 Passed right out once, then started again

when he woke up. Quantrill just kept giv-
ing him more and saying things like how
pleased he was to meet a man who could
hold his drink.

“I can't hold it, but I can bloody well
swallow it,” Barton said, and they both
roared with laughter. I didn't drink as
much as they did; neither did Goldfish.
She just sat there, not talking very much,
looking at the fire and twirling her hair.

Quantrill got more and more drunk and
talked a load of old tripe about how much
he liked us and how pleased he was to call
us his friends, which made Barton laugh so
hard, he was nearly sick again. At about
two in the morning, Quantrill got up and
took a three-foot-long copper hunting horn
from the wall next to the fireplace and
blew a great blast on it. The door opened a
moment later and a tall, dead-looking man
in a dark pinstripe suit came in. His lips
hardly moved when he spoke.

“You rang, sir?”

Quanuill didn't even look up. “Indian
rain dance, Russell. Over here, man,
where we can all sce you.”

Russell walked to the center of the саг-
pet, closed his eyes, lifted his arms above
his head and began to dance. A slow,
writhing sort of movement, hopping del-
icately from one foot to another, chanting
and groaning like some old medicine man
in a wigwam. I couldn't look; it was too
embarrassing. Quantrill didn’t watch,
either; he was staring at Goldfish, who lay
back in the corner of the sofa, tapping a
glass against her tecth. Barton was curled
up next to her, snoring.

“That’s enough,” Quantrill said, wav-
ing his hand. “Bring us four scampi and
chips”

Russell gave a little bow, said, “Very
good, sir” and left

“Does he always do that?’ Goldfish
asked.

"Only when told," Quantrill said.
“Special occasions, like tonight.”

I swear that the dinner arrived within
five minutes, lots of it and piping hot.
Quanuill looked well pleased with himself,
said he had some new kind of gadget that
cooked food instantly—something to do
with microwaves.

Barton sat up at that. "What's this
about microbes?" he said. “15 that what
we're eating, fucking microbes?" Then he
passed out again. We couldn't wake him.

I was all for going home when we'd
finished—so was Goldfish— but Quantrill
ordered coffee and then insisted that we
drink a brandy before he would agree to
call the chauffeur to drive us back. He
tried to make a joke of it, saying he'd kid-
naped us and things like that, but you
could tell he just wanted to have his way
and that was all there was to it.

“That don't seem fair on your driver,
waking him up at three in the morning to
drive us home,” Goldfish said.

Quanuill lit another cigar. "That's
what he gets paid for," he said. “Не ex-
pects to be woken up; he's used to it.”

He hunched forward in his chair and
struggled to pull something out of his
pocket, keeping his eyes on Goldfish, just
staring at her. I might as well have been
somewhere else for all the attention he
paid to me. His hand came out with a
thick roll of bank notes, thicker than the
one he'd taken out in the pub that time.

“Not again,” Goldfish said.

He wagged a finger. “Please. I've told
you before how much I like you; I merely
wish to prove it. Who's first?

Well, in the pub it was different; I
hadn't thought twice about taking his
money, but now, in his house, I felt differ-
ent about it. I wanted it, but I didn't want
to take it.

“ГП count to five," Quantrill said.
“Then it goes into the fire.”

The three of us sat there, saying noth-
ing, Quantrill holding his head on one
side, his face glistening in the reflection of
the flames.

"One, two, three, four—no takers?—
five.” And he tossed the bundle of
money—fives, tens and 20s, it was—into
the fireplace. Some of it floated up the
chimney, some of it burst into flame, but
the heaviest wad fell into the ash pile and
sank.

“ГЇЇ get Jeffries to bring the car to the
front,” he said and left the room.

“How much do you reckon it was?”
Goldfish asked.

"Christ knows. A thousand. Two,
maybe. You saw it, all those bloody
twentics.”

We half dragged Barton out to the car,
said good night to Quantrill, who was
waiting at the front door, and drove off.
"Can't hold it, but can bloody well swal-
low it,” Barton said and passed out again,
with his head in his wife’s lap. Goldfish
leaned her cheek against the window.

“Не one of those people who likes tak-
ing over, isn't he?” she said.

“We haven't got anything worth taking
over.”

“No, I suppose we haven't" She
yawned and stroked Barton's face. "That's
true. Look at him; he doesn’t even know
what he missed.”

P

That was the last I saw of Quantrill for
weeks, and to be honest, the next time was
too soon. We told everyone what had hap-
pened at his house, but I don’t think any-
one believed it, and you can’t blame them.

“Га have taken the lot if Pd been
awake," Barton grumbled, “Га have been
so busy spending it, the stupid bastard
would probably have saved himself a cou-
ple of hundred pheasants. Ill be different
next time we go there.”

But there wasn't a next time, and
though that seemed to irritate Barton,
Goldfish didn’t mind in the least. In fact,
the topic of Quantrill and his money
seemed to get on her nerves.

“It's all show,” she said. “When he's
found out what's what around here, he'll
be just the same as the Lincolns. You

There are two
exciting foldouts
in Playboy
this month.
One is opposite

page 24.

(You've probably seen
the Per hs

SONY:

THE ONE AND ONLY

there, shin-
panicked; 1
ng to shoot
aedge—you
it oak—but
+ the woods,
ok the birds
t. Quantrill

bme load of
tality under
content. with
Told me he
ой his land,
give it up.
] water, my
boaching at
license." Не
after work

поб”

жа chance.
ce—he was
ike I was a
сеге. “Let's

oward their

you a warn-
fou go when

have to get
ring charges

when we
know,” Bar-

yas going to
Said there's

no point in getting the police out of bed to
deal with some hooligan poacher, Не
knows exactly what he's doing. I expect
PH find out when I sec him."

I had to drive over to the central post
office in the county capital the next day
and didn’t get back to the village until late.
Barton was at home. Goldfish sat by the
fire, very quiet, staring into the coal
flames. *He's in the kitchen,” she said. He
came out cating a thick slice of bread and.
dripping.

“Did she tell you what Quantrill said?”

“No.”

“He says he'll forget the whole thing
and let me go on one condition.”

"What's that?"

“Goldfish.”

"What's that supposed to mean?”

“Simple. He wants to jump the wife.”

“Don’t bugger about; what did the man
say?"

“Pm telling you. He said Га taken
something of his that wasn't mine, and һе
wanted something of mine. I asked him
what, and he said, "Your wife—just for a
loan, nothing permanent? ”

“What’s he want her for?”

“Why do you think, you fucking yokel?”
Barton wiped his mouth. “He’s serious,
boy. He says if she's not there by nine
tonight, he'll call the police.”

“But if you tell them what he said,
they'll lock him up so fast his feet won't
touch the ground.” с

“They're bound to believe me, aren't
they, with my record.”

“What will you do?”

“Опе thing I don't want is to losc my

“Hi, Mom.”

195

PLAYBOY

us the night we went there with Quanirill.

All the lights were on, curtains wide-
open, a couple of dogs barking somewhere
inside. We went up the steps and through
the big studded door at the front into an
entrance hall that was er than any
house I'm ever likely to Ii . Quanuill
showed us into an even larger room where
there was a huge fire going and told us to
make ourselves comfortable while he went
to use the telephone. Barton pretended to
be one of those tour guides at a stately
home, making jokes about dungeons and
jewels, but I wasn’t really listening.

You can laugh at the rich if you like—
we've all done it—but when you get close
to them and sec how they live, the things
they take for granted, it soon wipes the
smile off your face. I don't know why this.
should be, but it is, and it's not just
jealousy, either; it’s something else.

It's unsettling. I suppose if you thought
about it too much, it would make you feel
dirty and stupid, so I try not to think
about it. Anyway, without rich pcople,
who'd pay the rest of us? That's what my
old mum used to say, and she should know
after a lifetime with my dad, who never
had ninepence in his pocket that he didn’t
owe to someone else.

So I could understand why Barton was
making jokes. He was just nervous. We're
used to being in houses where you can
smell food cooking in the next room, with
the TV or the radio on and a clothes rack
with the washing drying іп front of the fire.
This place was morc like a museum, wi
the pictures on the walls and the dark-
green-velvet curtains from the floor to the
ceiling. Me and Goldfish didn’t talk, we
whispered, while Barton kept up his tour-
guide act.

“Over here, we have the fireplace. As
you can sce, this comes in handy for roast-

ing an ox when we're feeling a bit
peckish.”

“He'll hear you,” Goldfish said,
annoyed.

“Fuck him; he’s a wanker.”

“Don’t.”

“Well, he is; he must be.”

“Just because he’s got money?”

“No. Because he's a wanker.”

“We didn’t have to соте. You could
have said no.”

That was when Quantrill came back
into the room, rubbing his hands and
beaming all over his face.

“The first order of business is to have a
drink,” he said. “Апу requests? Come on,
don’t be shy; we're well supplied.”

Barton caught my суе and leered.

.

I can't say I remember everything that
happened during the next four or five
hours, but we got through a few bottles,
boy. Barton tricd the lot—six kinds оГ
whiskey, white and dark rum, brandy, gin,
vodka and that sweet green stuff in the
long bottles. Christ, he was some sick.

194 Passed right out once, then started again

when he w
ing him m
pleased he
hold his dr
“I can't
swallow it
roared wi
much as 1
She just 52
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two in the
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blew a grer
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in a dark
hardly mo:
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Quantri
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Russell 1
pet, closed
his head ;
writhing si
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and groani
in a wigwi
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either; he y
back in th
glass again
up next to
"That's
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Russell |
good, sir”
“Does |
asked.
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“Special of
I swear
five minut
Quantrill k
said he hat
cooked foo
with micro
Barton |
about mia
we're eatin
passed out
I was а
finished —s
ordered со
drink a br,
call the ct
tried to ma
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and that w
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drive us ho
Quantril
what he gt
pects to be

There are two
exciti foldouts

One is opposite
page 24.

(You've probably seen
the other one.

SONY

THE ONE AND ONLY

won't see him set foot in the village then,
flashing his money in your face."

“We should have taken it,” I said.

“You and your should hayes,” she said.
“You're as bright as Barton—he wakes up
in the night talking about should have
done this and should have done that. It's a
bit late for should have.”

With the end of the game season
approaching, Barton was out in the woods
and marshes every hour he could spare,
before and after work. I went out with him
a couple of times, and we walked where we
pleased, never once catching sight of a
gamekeeper. They seemed to have dis-
appeared. Then I met Barton in the street
one morning, and he gave me the news.

“Quantrill’s got the keepers back," he
said. “He got rid of the old boys and
brought in new ones. He’s given them
walkie-talkies and a couple of Land Rov-
ers. Blister says he’s starting a war against
poachers. He wants to lay in new stocks of
birds and turn the land over to some big
shooting syndicate.”

“That’s the end of us, then," I said.

“You must be joking. They're all new
men—what do they know about the place?
We'll be all right; we'll just have to be
careful, like we were before. You're com-
ing tonight, aren't you?”

I shook my head. “I’m going to lay off
for a while. He's up to something. ІГІ was
you, Га stay away, too. You know what
happens if you get picked up again.

Last time he went to court for poaching,
Barton was told by the judge that if he
came back again, he’d lose his shotgun
permit for life and he'd get nine months
into the bargain. I didn't want to stand
with him in the dock when that sort of
punishment was flying around. It might
prove contagious.

“Let's take Goldfish to the pictures,” I
said.

“Can't, boy, not tonight. I’ve promised
three brace to Ransome's first thing
tomorrow.”

I spent the evening in the pub. Goldfish
was there with one of her cousins. Over the
talk, you could plainly hear shooting from
somewhere near the cliffs—double barrels,
fired almost simultaneously, typical Bar-
ton style.

“Someone's having а go," Blister said.
“Wonder who, as if we didn’t know.”

“Shut your noise,” Goldfish said, nerv-
ous as always when Barton was out where
he shouldn't be.

Just before closing time, Barton came to
the pub and stood at the open door, ges-
turing for us to come outside. We followed
him to the corner at the lane; he was limp-
ing, and his face was bleeding from bram-
ble scratches. “Don't want those nosy sods
listening,” he said.

“You got caught, didn’t you,” Goldfish
said and began to cry. Barton put an arm
around her shoulders and told us what had
happened.

“One moment, it was all dark,” he said.
"I was in the middle of the sugar-beet

field. There was a dozen men there, shin-
ing lights in my eyes. I just panicked: 1
thought the buggers were going to shoot
me, so I ran for the gap in the hedge—you
know, that opening by the split oak—but
there were two more just inside the woods,
and they grabbed me. They took the birds
and the gun, and that was that. Quantrill
was there."

“Quanwill?”

“Slimy bastard. Gave me some load of
old balls about taking his hospitality under
his own roof and not being content with
that, stealing his property, too. Told me he
knew all along 1 was shooting ой his land,
but he'd been hoping Га give it up.
"You've got yourself into hot water, my
lad, he says. "Trespassing; poaching at
night, taking game without a license.” He
wants me to go to his house after work
tomorrow."

“Maybe he's going to let you off.”

Barton shook his head. “Not a chance.
You should have seen his face—he was
loving it. He looked at me like I was a
slug.” He gave Goldfish a squeeze. "Lets
go home, love.”

We walked up the lane toward their
house.

“He must just want to give you a warn-
ing,” I said. “They don’t let you go when
they catch you like that. They have to get
the police in then and there, bring charges
and have you arrested.”

Goldfish was still crying when we
reached their gate

“Tell me something I don't know,” Bar-
ton said. "Quantrill said he was going to
leave all that until tomorrow. Said there's

no point in getting the police out of bed to
deal with some hooligan poacher. He
knows exactly what he's doing. | expect
I'll find out when I see him.”

I had to drive over to the central post
office in the county capital the next day
and didn't get back to the village until late.
Barton was at home. Goldfish sat by the
fire, very quiet, staring into the coal
flames. He's in the kitchen,” she said. He
came out eating a thick slice of bread and
dripping.

“Did she tell you what Quantrill said?"

“No.”

“He says he'll forget the whole thing
and let me go on one condition."

“What's that?"
oldfish.'"

“What's that supposed to mean?"

“Simple. He wants to jump the wife.”

“Don’t bugger about; what did the man
say?”

“I'm telling you. He said I'd taken
something of his that wasn’t mine, and he
wanted something of mine. I asked him
what, and he said, “Your wife—just for a
loan, nothing permanent.’ ”

"What's he want her for?”

“Why do you think, you fucking yokel?”
Barton wiped his mouth. “He’s serious,
boy. He says if she’s not there by ninc
tonight, he'll call the police."

“But if you tell them what he s:
they'll lock him up so fast his feet won't
touch the ground." d

“They're bound to believe me, aren't
they, with my record.”

“What will you do?”

“One thing I don't want is to lose my

“Hi, Mom.”

And Beefeater

makes it even better.

— —

BEEFEATER GIN. She Crown Jewel of England:

gun permit and go inside for nine months.
ІГІ can't walk out at night with the dog
and the gun, I might as well be dead.”

“What about you?” I asked Goldfish.
She didn’t reply

“I'm leaving it up to her,” Barton said.
“If she won't go along with it, there's
nothing I can do.”

“You should have smashed his face in,”
T said.

“Апа then get done for attempted mur-
der and go away for twenty years. That’s
clever.”

“What's the time?" Goldfish said.

“Just after eight.”

“TI get ready.”

Barton wouldn't look at me while she
was out of the room. We could hear her
moving about upstairs and running some
water in the bathroom.

“His car's going to be parked outside
the village at quarter to nine.” he said. He

sounded as if he had something stuck in
his throat. “Maybe you could give her a

skirt, one she had made that wi
white blouse with риу sleeves. She looked
bloody gorgeous, boy, but I'm damned if 1
knew what was going through her mind. I
thought Barton would come to the door
with us, but he didn't; he stayed in his
chair and said nothing when we left.
Neither did she. I mumbled something
g him later, then we went out

She had some kind of scent on, or maybe
it was soap, but it smelled sweet and faint,
like flowers in a big room. I didn't dare
look at her, didn't know what to say. It's
funny, the things you think when vou
don't know what to think. The only thing
that came to my mind was something my
dad used to say. “Kingdoms rise and king-
doms fall, there is no answer, none at all.”
And a lot of help that was.

"There's the car,” she said.
the rest of the way.”

It was parked on the grass verge with its
lights on, just past the last house on the
road, near the village signpost.

She got out, and [ watched her in my
lights. The chauffeur with the bent nose
opened the door and she climbed in, pick-
ing up her skirt so that I saw a gleam of leg
and the curve of her backside as she
stepped into the back. The Bentley turned
around in the road, and I watched its rear
lights dwindle in the darkness, disappear-
ing into the hollows and then coming ир
the other side until they reached the road
junction and vanished behind the trees.
Even then, 1 could still see the headlights
sweeping through the bare branches, light-
ing up the night sky at the crest of the hill
nearly two miles away.

No, I didn't know what to think, but I'll
tell you this: [t must һауе smelled good in
that car, what with the leather seats and
her scent.

“TH walk

.
I never heard what happened that

night, but you don't always need the de-
tails to know the story. Barton rarely went
to the pub over the next couple of weeks,
Goldfish didn't go at all, and when I went
to their place, the back door, which was al-
ways open. would be locked and nobody
would answer. Then I caught him one
evening calling his dog from the window,
so he had to open up. He unbolted the
door and stood on the back step, m

plain that he didn't want me to go

Гус known Barton as long as I can re-
member knowing anyone, but I never saw
him the way he was that day, edgy and
distant, holding himself in and not meet-
ing my eye. I didn't stay long. He told me
that Quantrill had not pressed charges,
hadn't even called in the police. Yes, he
still went out shooting, but thc weather
had been a bit quiet for it. You need а
blustery wind, preferably with rain, for an
ideal night's shooting—it muffles the gun,
gives you better cover and makes it harder
for the keepers. While he'd been у
for the weather to break, he'd been putting
in some overtime at the builders’ where he
worked, and was too busy for the pub. Too
busy for me, he meant.

How's the missus?" I said.
e’s at her mother's. The old man's
had another operation.”

He was glad when 1 said I had to go; һе
could hardly wait to close and lock the
door. I couldn't help noticing that there
was no smell of cooking, which was un-
usual, because there was generally some-
thing on their stove, some big stew
simmering away for days on end. Now the
place smelled flat and cold.

About a month later, І had to drive the
yan to London to pick up some spares for
the engineers. I've been to the city only
once іп my life and that was on a bus pas:
ing through, so, having a few hours to kill
while the load was sorted and packed, I
took a walk around the West End to look
at the shops. I went into a gunmakers’ in
Mayfair and bought a shooter’s diary for
Barton—half price, because it was
March—then I walked along Bond Street,
which was full of shiny cars and foreign
people.

I saw the Bentley at a traffic light.
Quantrill and Goldfish were in the back,
cuddling and laughing. I only caught a
quick glimpse— didn't want to look, really.
I hardly recognized her with the make-up
and the fur coat—she didn't look like the
same girl— but it was her, all right. "Then
the light changed and they drove on. They
didn't see me.

I went straight to Barton’s when I got
home and hammered on the door until he
opened it.

“T saw Goldfish with Quantrill in Lon-
don today;" I said.

“Don't tell the bloody world." I thought
he was going to wallop me one. “Come in
and keep your voice down or that old cow

next door will broadcast it all over the
place.”

"The house was filthy; the curtains wer
pulled tight and were held down with
newspapers and magazines. There were
dirty plates and mugs half-full of tea on the
dresser and in the sink. Barton didn't seem
to notice it.

"She's been seeing him since that night
he sent the car. Stays away for days some-
times, says she’s working for him. Look at
this." He pulled out a drawer in the kitch-
en table. Stuffed with money, it was. It's.
her pay. Тһегев about four hundred
pounds in there. She left a note under the
door today. He's taking her to Spain next
weekend."

"Why don't vou stop her? Give her а
good hiding,

“Grow up. will you? She's having the

time of her |
“Couldn’t you go and see him, then?”

"ve done that! He says I've got a
ch ither stay off his land for good or
let things go the way they are now. He
Anows I'm still shooting. His keepers could
have had me a dozen times. They just
laugh in my face when they see me in the
woods."

“You could stop shooting.”

“I fucking won't—Pll stop when I can't
walk no more. Anyway, it’s not just the
shooting, it never was just the shooting.”
He flicked through the diary Га bought in
London, but he wasn't looking at the
pages. For a moment, he seemed almost
cheerful, like the old Barton; then he said:
“Do you remember a few weeks ago when
hing froze after that rain?”

I did; it was hellish cold, staying-in
weather.

“T went over to the Long Wood that
night, just me and the dog. I didn’t take
the gun. You should have been there. Full
moon, no clouds. All the tree branches
were covered with ісе, looked like glass,
they did. Quiet. Like a church. Even the
dog stopped panting. Then the breeze got
up, just a light one, and the whole wood
started chiming. Bloody magic, it was, and
I thought, This is what I want, nothing’s
better than this, nothing could be.”

“Noteven your wile?”

He threw the diary onto the table.
"Don't make me laugh. She can go out
and fuck the Russian army, far as Pm con-
cerned.”

“But you've got to do something, boy.” 1
said. “Look at this place—look at you,
you're driving yourself up the wall. What's
a couple of pheasants compared to your
wife? Ifyou packed it in now and stopped
shooting, Quantrill couldn't do a thing
about that night he caught you—he's left
it too late"

“Irs not the bloody pheasants!” he
shouted, “It’s none of that, it’s just —walk-
ing about, on my own. It's like your own
world; it’s not like life.”

“We could always take the van and

197

PLAYBOY

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drive somewhere else. There’s other places
to shoot.”

“Sure. Take the precious van on the two
nights a week they let you keep it. Great.
What's the point if you can't walk to the
place on your own feet? Quantrill! He's got
no right to all of that. It’s my land more
than it’s his. I’ve always walked on it. He
don't care about it, he just paid for it.”

We sat without speaking for a few
minutes. "There was a photograph оГ
Goldfish and Barton over the fireplace,
with a sprig of dried mistletoe on the
frame. The television droned and mum-
bled in the corner of the room.

“What are you going to do, then:

"On a good week, I make thirty-five
pounds after taxes. What do you want me
to do, buy him out?”

He went to the door with me when I left.
I didn’t feel like the pub, so I went home.
Between the gusts of wind and rain that
rattled the windows, I could hear shooting
from the woods. It sounded like an artil-
lery barrage.

.

The night Quantrill and Goldfish came
back from Spain, Barton was waiting be-
hind one of the elms on the driveway that
leads to the Lincoln house. Í got the full
story from a detective who came into the
village when it was all over. The police
reckon that Barton stopped the car by
firing point-blank at the chauffeur, killing
him outright. They say Quantrill tried to
lock the door from the inside, but Barton
fired through the window and got him
with the second barrel. He must have re-
loaded before he killed Goldfish.

After fimshing with the car, Barton
walked up to the house, where he was met
by Russell, the butler chap, who had come
out to see what all the noise was about.
Barton pushed past him and went to the
room where Quantrill had burned his
money. They say he used two boxes—50
cartridges—on the furniture. Then he left
the house and ran across the grounds, dis-
appearing into the woods. They got him in
the Long Wood the next day; a police
marksman brought him down with a bul-
let through the neck and another through
the brain, but by then, Barton had killed
two gamekeepers.

The Lincoln place went up for sale after
a couple of months. There were rumors
about new owners. Old Harry said Arabs,
someone else said it was a bunch of rel
gious fanatics from America, and a com-
pany from the Midlands cut down the best
part of the Long Wood and built a mass-
produced chicken factory. But nobody’s
moved into the house yet, even after all
these years

I still go down to The Bell for a pint now
and again, but it's like everything else,
boy, it’s all changed. Maybe you'd like the
place if you'd never been there before, but
I remember it how it was, and it’s nothing

like it used to be.

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199

PLAYBOY

200

POCKET ROCKETS

(continued from page 117)

“The essence of the pocket rocket is a frugal four-
cylinder engine and front-wheel drive.”

company’s very popular European Golf
GTI budget Q-ship. Imagine the expres-
sion on the face of the typical smug
Mercedes driver doing 100-plus on the
autobahn when one of these wolves in
Robert Hall Rabbit’s clothing fills his mir-
rors and flashes past. The GTI’s look is
understated. You recognize it by the
monochromatic exterior (black, white, red
or silver), the oversized Pirelli P6 radials
and the little red identification badges.
Viewed from the deeply contoured driver’s
seat, only the black-out dash, the console-
mounted gauges (water temperature, oil

temperature and clock) and the chunky
steering wheel give clues to the rapid Rab-
bit's personality transplant. But you have
to light the fuse to set off the dynami
Ninety horsepower has never felt
so strong outside an open-wheeled racer.
The transaxle’s ratios are so beautifully
matched to the engine’s torque and power
curves, you'd swear the СТІ had a V8
under its hood. It does the standard 0 to 60
in a few ticks of the watch less than ten
seconds, but it feels more like seven. Toss
it into a curve and hang on as the big Pirel-
lis stick to the road like Velcro and you'll

“You know, when you finally comprehend.
the projected national deficit, space doeswt seem
quite that awesome anymore.”

see why the seats are so supportive. With-
out them, you'd be bounced around by the
g forces like a suitcase in the grip of that
TV-ad gorilla.

Check the fuel economy afier a day of
thrashing and you'll find it in the high 20s
or better. The GTI’s EPA ratings are 26
mpg city and 36 highway, and its starting
price—including such standard features
as dual remote-control outside mirrors and
vindow wiper—is only $7990.
lies the essence of the modern
pocket rocket: frugal four-cylinder engine
and front-wheel drive. It’s fast but fuel
efficient, visually distinctive, affordable,
fun to drive and as sinewy and agile as a
decathlon athlete. Pretenders with sixes or
V8s, gas-guzzling heavyweights and those
with five-figure price tags need not apply.

Several months after the GTI’s late-
1982 introduction, the new pocket-rocket
class swelled to two with the addition of
Dodge’s Shelby Charger. You remember
the name Carroll Shelby. As a driver,
Shelby started racing in 1952 at the age of
29; just eight years, three national cham-
pionships, one LeMans 24-hour victory
and dozens of other triumphs later, he
reüred. From driving, that is. As a car
builder, he created the legendary Shelby
Cobras, then followed with the famous
Shelby Mustangs. Now that the car busi-
ness is getting to be fun again, wouldn't
you know ol’ Shel is back? Chrysler cha
man Lee Iacocca, who headed the Ford di-
vision in the crazy Cobra and Mustang
days two decades ago, has wooed the
talented Texan into a high-performance
partnership—and the Shelby Charger is
the first showroom product of their new
collaboration. A souped-up version of
Dodge's Charger 2.2 hatchback coupe (it-
self а sporty derivative of the Rabbitlike
Omni and Horizon four-doors), this latest
Shelby namesake, like the GTI, feels much
faster than it is. While the reality of accel-
eration is enhanced by a higher numerical
final-drive ratio (3.87:1 vs. the standard
Charger's 3.57:1), the perception is helped
by a slick-shifting, close-ratio five-speed
and a wonderfully raucous exhaust note.

Compared with Chrysler’s standard 96-
hp 2.2-liter four, the Shelby’s 10-һр version
gets its extra muscle from a higher (9.6:1)
compression ratio; revised camshaft,
intake manifold and emissions system;
a special carburetor; and a specific high-
output engine computer. Aside from being
scrunched down nearly an inch closer to
the ground on stiffened springs, it gets its
remarkable cornering prowess largely
from low-profile 195/50x 15 Goodyear
Eagle GT tires on special alloy wheels.
The Shelby’s upgraded braking results
from large, vented front-brake rotors and
its visual punch from an aggressive front
air dam, a rear-hatch spoiler, rocker-panel
skirts and a striking two-tone paint scheme
in your choice of blue on silver or silver on
blue. This racerlike theme is continued in
the cockpit with improved (though not up

Thereis

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stop at the reflecting pool.

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heritage. Our future. Ourselves
as Americans.

The reflecting pool in our
nation’s capital. So distinctly
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You see, every pair of
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Always will be. Maybe that’s
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Washington, D.C. and
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America is at your feet.

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PLAYBOY

Celebrated Trial Lawyer

Kentucky Straight Bourbon.
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© 1983 National Distillers

to GTI standards) reclining buckets in
Shelby blue and white, a wider, V-shaped
gas pedal for toc-heel downshifting and a
new-for-'84 instrument panel with a ta-
chometer and a full set of gauges.

The 1983 version did 0 to 60 in nine and
а half seconds hardly trying, and new
close-ratio gearing for '84 makes it a cou-
ple of tenths quicker still. In addition to
being slightly faster, the Shelby Dodge can
outcorner VW's GTI on smooth surfaces;
but the lithe little Rabbit's more sophisti-
cated suspension is better on rougher
roads and in fast transitional maneuvers.
The Charger's fairly flat-cushioned seats
don't contribute much lateral support, and
its too high steering wheel takes getting
used to, but its lusty performance, agile
handling, road-racer looks, fuel efficiency
(28 EPA mpg сиу, 44 highway) and
reasonable $8290 base price make such
minor flaws easy to forget.

"Third to enter the pocket-rocket race
this past June was Nissan's turbocharged
Pulsar NX. This radically wedge-shaped
little 2+2 with its controversial squared-
off roof was already pretty sprightly in
nonturbo form, but the addition of a tur-
bocharger adds a whole new dimension of
performance. Combined with fuel injec-
tion and Nissan's electronic engine con-
trol, it bumps the 1.5-liter’s power to 100
hp and its torque to 152 pounds per foot
from the standard version’s 69 and 92.

The Pulsar Turbo is less of a stormer off
the line than the GTI or the Shelby Cbarg-
er because its turbocharger doesn't really
take effect until about 3000 rpm. But kick
it down a gear and floor it on the roll
and—hang on—it goes! With its standard
five-speed, it sails to 60 from rest in 9.9
seconds; with optional automatic, in 9.7
Firmed-up shocks and springs, larger rear
brakes and high-performance Toyo tires
move the handling into pocket-rocket
territory as well. There's also a special in-
strumentation package with a turbo-boost
gauge and a 125-mph speedometer. It’s the
only Japanese pocket rocket in America at
this time, the most fuel efficient at 33 EPA
mpg city and 46 highway with the five-
speed (30/40 with automatic) and the
cheapest turbocar of any kind on the mar-
ket today at just $8349.

Two new domestic pocket rockets—
Ford's Turbo EXP and Pontiac's 2000
S/E Sunbird—should be hitting your
neighborhood showrooms soon. The for-
mer is a high-performance version of
Ford's Escortbascd EXP two-seater
equipped with a new computer-controlled,
port (multipoint) fuel-injected, turbo-
charged variation of the company's 1.6-
liter hemihead Escort engine, Hard
numbers aren't yet available, but the little
Ford turbomotor should crank out about
116 hp with 26 EPA mpg city and 40 high-
way economy and should rocket the aero-
dynamic EXP from 0 to 60 mph in about
8.5 seconds. That will make it the fastest
Amcrican-market. pocket rocket yet. Spe-
cial TR suspension and tires, a five-speed
manual transaxle and highly supportive

sport bucket seats will come with the
package; and the Turbo EXP will be easily
recognized by its deep front air dam,
its wrap-around rear-hatch spoiler and its
bold two-tone design with turbo graphics
оп the sides and the rear bumper. Base

rice is expected to fall just under $10,000.

The 2000 S/E is really three cars: new
high-performance 5/Е versions of Pon-
tiac’s 784 2000 Sunbird (J-car) two-door
and four-door sedans and the sleek two-
door coupe. A пем 150-hp 1.8-liter turbo-
motor will be standard in all three for "84,
and these super-Js will also come with spe-
cial suspension, interior appointments and
exterior trim (including distinctive six-
light front ends, like the Pontiac 6000
STE's) to set them apart from their more
mundane stablemates. The engine itself,
which is port fuel injected and electron-
ically controlled, will also be offered as an
option in base-model and luxury LE 2000
Sunbirds. It should propel the compact
J-cars to 60 mph in about nine seconds
and deliver 25 EPA mpg city and 35 high-
way economy. Unfortunately, there’s no
five-speed transaxle available for the front-
drive Js that will take the turbo engine’s
power and torque, so turbo 2000s will be
offered with standard four-speed manual
or optional automatic only. Price of the
performance-model S/E has been set at
$8393 and turbo-equipped base models
should be considerably lower.

There you have the current crop of
pocket rockets—a quintet of inexpensive,
state-of-the-art minihotrods that corner
and stop as well as they go, look good in
your driveway and put a smile on your
face without punching a hole in your bank
account. Four of them are domestically
built; only one (the Nissan Pulsar) is im-
ported. Four are fuel injected, three are
turbocharged and one (the Shelby Charg-
er) makes the grade with an ordinary car-
buretor and Texas-racer ingenuity.

And there's more to come, especially
from the Japanese. Japan itself is alive
with twin-cam and turbocharged varia-
tions of otherwise ordinary econocars and
it won't be long before several more of
those start making the long boat ride here.
Subaru already has introduced U.S.-mar-
ket versions of its nifty four-wheel-drive
station wagon and BRAT utility vehicle.
Honda's new Prelude sports coupe
(though not really a pocket rocket by our
definition) squeaks in under the ten-
second, $10,000 limitations. And Мизи-
bishi is about to market a turbocharged
model of its little front-wheel-drive Colt
through Dodge/Chrysler dealers and
probably its own dealer network as well.

Socially acceptable performance and the
econo muscle-car are trends whose time
has come. Count on it: The pocket-rocket
phenomenon is certain to grow, and that’s
welcome news to everyone who appreci-
ates enjoyable automobiles and the art of
driving them well.

» Еш
esse ==
HI PEE TT LR
sil: nar"

“Oh—hello, dear—just helping Suzette tidy the books.”

PLAYBOY

FEAR OF INTERFACING 1...» » ne 120

*Some people write their own programs, but you need
know nothing about programming to use a computer."

the information as you please, and it is re-
tained even after the computer has been
turned off. Bubble memory has a flaw, too:
At the moment, it is expensive. Like any-
thing else, it should be cheapened by
broad exposure and popular acceptance.

(The next mass-storage device will be
the laser disk. A standard video laser disk,
the kind that shows movies and costs $25,
will hold more than one gigabyte [one bil-
lion bytes] of information. That's roughly
the amount of information in the Encyclo-
paedia Britannica, including color photo-
graphs. The laser disk should be available
within the next year or two.)

.

Magnetic media aren't just for re-
membering what absent-minded C.P.U.s
and fickle RAMs forget. Disks and tapes
are also used for providing information
and instructions to the computer in the
form of programs, Programs tell the com-
puter what to do, how to do it, when to do
it, when not to do it and so on.

A program is to a computer what a rec-
ord is to a phonograph. (Didn't you love
those tests in school? “A rose is to a thorn
what a is to an atomic bomb.")
Phonographs play records. Computers run
programs.

It is programs (also known as software)
that give computers their enormous
appeal. All the good things you've heard
about computers happen because pro-
grams tell the computer (the hardware)
how to make them happen.

А computer running a word-processing
program is a word-processing computer.
(Word processing is the most significant

advance in the manipulation of the written
word since the advent of writing. I do not
exaggerate. Every secretary, every student
and. certainly, every professional writer
will find his or her life changed—dare I
say transformed?—by the simple addition
of a personal computer and а word-
processing program.)

The same computer, running ап
accounting program, becomes an account-
ing computer. The incredible advantages
large computers have given large com-
panies аге now available to small com-
panies through small computers. Accounts
receivable, accounts payable, cost projec-
tion, inventory control—all the repetitive
numerical tasks that can make or break a
small company—are manageable with
case, speed and great cost effectiveness.

With a change of program, the same
computer that runs a small business can
help keep the wheels of big business turn-
ing, too. (Although the company may have
two or three large computers, an executive
can have his or her own "personal" com-
puter to help manage all the information
that managers arc paid to manage. In
years to come, the small computer will Бе
as familiar a desktop item as an adding
machine or a typewriter.)

Remove the business program, insert a
game program and you have a game-
playing computer. (Man does not live by
information management alone, and com-
puter games aren’t just for kids. Chess,
backgammon, blackjack; vou name it,
computers will play it. Beyond the tradi
tional games, there are action and adven-
ture games that can be played only on
computers. These are remarkably seduc-

“Poor Harold always did have trouble with seafood.”

tive and may become your favorite waste
of time.)

Most people buy prerecorded music and
most people buy prewritten programs.
Some people record their own music and
some people write their own programs, but
you need know nothing about program-
ming to use and enjoy a computer. (I know
as much about writing computer programs
as I know about writing music, which is
as close to nothing as is metaphysically
possible.)

Writing computer programs (program-
ming) is, I am told, all-consuming and
occasionally delightful. (Anything some
people find addictive is worth checking
out.) Programming is a creative act but
one in which the creator has the dubious
pleasure—shared by only film makers,
Henry Higgins, Dr. Frankenstein and
God—of watching his creation take on а
life of its own. Computer programs сап be
remarkably three-dimensional. They in-
teract. Randomness can be written in.
And, maybe for the first time in your life,
you can get a TV set to do what you want
it to. Ah, power.

The enthusiasm of that last paragraph is
secondhand. I have listened to the rapture
of the converted and believe it to be
genuine. As with jogging or marriage or
backpacking across America, though,
when it comes to the joys of writing com-
puter programs, I have, thus far, resisted
temptation.

When you write programs or enter any
other information into the computer, a
keyboard comes in handy. This looks like
an ordinary typewriter keyboard with a
few extra keys. (These keys are labeled
CONTROL, ESCAPE, BREAK and other words
taken from the dialog of old Warner Bros.
prison movies.) Some keyboards have а
square with the numbers 0 through 9 in an
adding-machine arrangement. This is
known as a numeric keypad.

Another method of entering information
is through a joy slick. Joy sticks are hand-
held devices that move the spaceship or
the submarine or the Pac-Person about. A
mouse is a small square that is moved
across the top of a desk, It's used to move a
pointer around in business programs. (If
you want to get rid of something, vou
move the pointer to a picture of a garbage
can and push а button.) A mouse, then, is
an executive joy stick.

lt is helpful, of course, to see the in-
formation as it’s being processed, stored
and manipulated. For this, computers use
video screens. The video screens in person-
al computers are the same ones that have
been showing J Love Lucy for the past
several decades. The fancy computerese
word for a video screen is C.R.T., which
stands for cathode-ray tube, which is the
kind of tube a TV picture tube really is.

Some computers, especially smaller
home computers, use regular television
sets for display. For business and for word
processing, most personal computers use
monitors. Letters and numbers (known as

Newport

if smoking isn't a pleasure,
why bother?

Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health.

PLAYBOY

characters in computerese) are sharper and.
casier to read when displayed on a
monitor.

Video displays can be either color ог
monochrome. Monochrome screens offer
one color (usually white, green or amber)
against a black background. Color screens,
urally, offer the full spectrum of colors.
he best color screens are known as
R.G.B. monitors, so named because the
three primary electronic colors are red.
green and blue. (For some reason, in clec-
tronics, red and green combined produce
yellow. Try telling that to your eighth-
grade art teacher.)

In general, color monitors are better for
games and graphics, and monochrome
monitors are better for the display of
characters.

When it comes time to print what one
has processed, computers use printers
(another of the rare examples of logical
labeling in computerese). Printers used
with personal computers are gencrally of
two types, dot matrix and letter quality.

Dot-matrix printers form letters and
numbers using little dots, like the signs on
banks that display time, temperature and
current interest rates. Like those signs,
dot-matrix printers communicate informa-
tion effectively, though not elegantly.

For elegance, one must turn to letter-
quality printers, which print one fully
formed character at а time, like a type-
writer. The term leuer quality comes, I
suppose, from the fact that it’s hard to tell
the difference between a letter typed on an
electric typewriter and one printed on a
letter-quality printer.

Dot-matrix printers cost less and print

faster than their letter-qual
par
ter copy. Dot-matrix printe: necessary
lor graphics; letter-quality printers are
с г word processing.
(Lasers, by the way, threaten to revolu-
tionize printing as well as mass storage.
Laser printers combine the best of both
dot matrix and letter quality at a speed
that rivals that of offset printing. The cost,
as you may have guessed, is high but
should come down over the next few
years.)

To communicate with other computers
over telephone lines, one requ modem.
Modem (pronounced mó-dem) stands for
modulator/demodulator, which what
modems do to computer signals. Outgoing
information is modulated (encoded) and
incoming information is demodulated (de-
coded) by a little black box that plugs into
your telephone line. (Not all modems are
black anymore. Many black boxes in the
world of personal computers are now.
fashionably beige.)

.

So there we have it, the personal com-
puter. But what do we have? Not much.
It's not what personal computers are that's
important (or even interesting, as you тау
have noticed), What's important is what
they do.

Next month, we'll take a look at what
personal computers do well and, equally
important, at what they don't do well—at
least not yet.

“Апа now I'd like to sing a song about this guy
I blew last night... ."

COMING EACK SI RON

(continued from page 102)
e I could walk. I never had any friends.
I was a loner. Loner, loner, loner—but I
was dancing, you sec, so it was all right.”

Tracy's injury forced her to re-evaluate
her life. She had to find another carcer.
Compared with ballet, the rest of life
seemed slow and unimportant, and she
viewed most nonballet people as slow and
unimportant, too; it was not an attitude
that won friend: arly оп, she had ас-
ated a reputation for
bossy, opinionated and ram-
us: "In the fourth grade, they had
sent me home from school, saying some-
thing like, “Your daughter is left-handed
and tormented by the Devil
he'd planned, Tracy
was lost. She left school before graduation
and began modeling. Her sights were set
on an acting career. Between modeling
assignments, she managed to rack up two
movie appearances, one in A Rare Breed,
directed by David Nelson, and another
the Dorothy Stratten biopic STAR во,
directed by Bob Fosse. Then, by good for-
tune, she ended up at PLAYBOY'S West
Coast studio and tested for the centerfold.

She evaluated her chances with cool ob-

jectivity. “1 don't think that my face is ех-
tremely beautiful. I don’t have that kind of
look. But Гуе got a real nice body. and
Гуе got . . . beautiful legs, so Pm lucky,
you know. I sort of have a PLAYBOY look—
г kind of look.”
r quality of Tracy's legs
documented. Honed to close tolerance by
years of balletic torture, they were recently
selected best among those of 150 other en-
tries in a promotional contest to find The
Woman with the Most Beautiful Legs in
the World. Her gams were subsequently
signed to play the part of Legs in Blake
Edwards’ film The Man Who Loved
Women, starring Burt Reynolds.

The entire Tracy then landed the
role in Candy the Stripper, a video produc-
tion for The Playboy Channel.

She voiced some trepidation before
shooting started—about the part and
about her ability to do i f I take u
script and pull it off, I'm a hero. If I don't,
Em a jerk—even worse, because there's
nudity. But I just have this feeli
some reason, that I can bring something
to it, that I can pull it off.

“Ав an actress, I have a lot of work to
do. I need a lot of experience. But Гуе got
a good sense of people, and that helps.”

As it turned out, she did pull it off and in.
the process revealed herself to bc a very
promising and talented actress. It was an
extraordinary debut—and the nudity
didn't hurt one bit.

It appears that Tracy has found her
second carcer. And with her recent mar-
riage to actor Fred Dryer, a former L.A.
Ram, she's given up being a loner, too.

for

oks alone.

TW

You can't stand on good lo

In Southern Ireland, where tradition is a way of life,
Clarks Wallabees? are an Irish tradition.

Now, as clways, every pair of Wallabees for men
and women is sewn by hand by a master cobbler. to insure
our famous flexible fit—the key to Wallabee’s renowned comfort.

Only premium leathers and genuine plantation crepe are used
to guarantee Clarks quality in every step you take. Ф
Of course, handmaking Wallabees takes a little longer. 5

But then Wallabees are made to last a little longer. Wallabee’

Write Clarks cf England, PO Bax 52BTT, Norwalk, Cann. 06856 -
and we'll send you a free booklet af aur shaes far men ond women. Made in the Republic af Ireland

207

PLAYBOY

Jill St. John talks
about her first time.

see, he was Italian, and
they just seem to know
about these things.

INTERVIEWER: Go on.

outstanding men, and they
all knew one or two new ways
to enjoy it. | prefer "The Exotic”
Thats Campari with grape-

fruit juice.
SPRON, enu INTERVIEWER: Well, you
IC: 5 seem to have come a long
close and whispered, way since your
CER o
Gingerly? first time.

"Well? | said, "I've never
been shy about any-
thing before" He gave
me a charming grin,
then ordered a Gingerly
for me...that's Campari,
ginger ale and soda.
And a Campari and
soda for himself.

INTERVIEWER: A little

ST JOHN: What
can | say? It's
hard to resist
something
when it just
keeps getting
better and

better.

© 1983 Imported

ST JOHN: My first time was in
Tre Scalini, an adorable sidewalk
cafein Rome.

INTERVIEWER: Oh, really? Right
out in the open?

ST JOHN: Sure...you see, l'm
basically an outdoorsy type of
person.

INTERVIEWER: | see. You must tell
me all about it.

ST JOHN: Well, we were just relax-
ing after a hard day of shooting.
Just me and the crew. It hap-
pened with the stunt man.

INTERVIEWER: The stunt man?!
That sounds a bit risky!

ST JOHN: Oh, it wasn't, really. You

Campari was made to be mixed. It's a bright, 48° proof
refreshing spirit, imported from Italy, with a combination of
natural flavors and aromas unknown 10 any other spirit. For
your first time, mix it with orange juice. Then enjoy it with
grapefruit juice, ginger ale, soda, tonic, or white wine. Over
ice, of course. CAMPARI. The smart mixable!

mix of Italian and Атегі- Rewer а.
can...how interesting. Well, how Emden)

was it?

ST JOHN: Very satisfying after
that long, hot day See, it was
deliciously light...and so
refreshing. А very spe-
cial experience.

INTERVIEWER: Did you ever
have it again?

ST JOHN: Of course... many
times. It's
not the kind
of thing you
try once and
then forget
about. l've
gone out
with some

pP

„ CAMPARI You'll never forget your first time.

ОМ:ТНЕ :5СЕМЕ

HABITAT
THE BUTLER DIDN'T DO IT

ertie Wooster had his Jeeves, and you, old bean, holiday, yours will be as crisp as a dry martini when you hang
have your servant, problem solved, too. Damp bath them in a heated oak trouser presser. Catching some Zs in
towels—like Aunt Agatha's soggy crumpets—are the four-poster and someone's at the door? A Videophone
banished with a towel rack that starts heating up when visually announces who it is and allows you to admit him
you turn on the shower or the tub tap. And while Bertie's electronically. No discussions about wages. No cold stares
slacks were the worsteds for wear when Jeeves went on when you plead poverty. To the manor born, that’s you.

Right: This solid-oak electrically heated
trouser presser incorporates a coat
P hanger, a tie rail and an accessory tray
e. into its design, from British Design
(U.S.A.), San Francisco, $185. Below: |,

А 25"x26" wall-mounted shiny brass ||
towel bar that obtains maximum heating ' Y
efficiency from hot water from your ۸
0 plumbing system, from Paul Associates, t
5. long Island City, New York, $750. x
` 1
Y
у
Above: The Italian-made
с ER - Videophone includes an
outside intercom that
houses a closed-circuit
wide-angle TV camera,
an indoor TV monitor p
| | | with a seven-inch screen and a hand
receiver, plus an optional electronic
3 Ж remote-control door lock, by PAR- J
SEC-Security Division, about 51990. س‎
2»
а
5 7 Above: Anova's

Master System in-
dudes The Telephone Cen-

schedule, $189.95; and The Protection Center, which sounds an alert
at the first hint of smoke, water leak or attempted break-in, $269.95.

L % D سے‎ ter, an answering/recording machine with
8 @ zi سے‎ remote control, speaker phone and auto dialer, $499.95; Тһе
B t H Control Center, which tums lights and appliances on and off on

ROVING EYE

It wasonlya matter of
time before Blanken-
horn took his act on
ihe road (literally).
The couple at right
are doing it on 1-405
near Los Angeles;
above, the venue is a
convenient pool in
the Hollywood Hills.
The models are just
people Blankenhorn
meets in bars. “It’s
kind of interesting to
watch how two stran-
gers interact. The cou-
ple 1 photographed
іп Central Park
Пей] had just met.”

Photographer Finds
New Use for Flash

PHOTOGRAPHER Craig Blankenhorn, a native
Southern Californian, spent eight years learning
his craft. He supported himself by working at
blue-collar jobs. After a year in Alaska, he figured
that it was time for a change. “Someone said you.
could do anything you wanted in New York City. I
decidedto test the notion. 1 photographed a cou-
ple making love on a park bench, nex! to a bag
lady." The rest is history. Blankenhorn has photo-
graphed couples doing it on jogging paths, in
subways, on rooftops. (We featured some of his
work in Sex News, November 19B2, and The Year
in Sex, February 1983.) And earlier this year, The
Playboy Channel got him to do a special shoot-
ing near New York's Manhattan Bridge (below).

“I've never been caught, but I've had
close calls. One day, my assistant
shouted, ‘Cop!’ The cop heard him and
found the model with his pants down.”

Blankenhorn has shot
couples making love at
such sites as the Statue of
liberty. The shot (below)
at the Capitol dome was а
piece of саке. “It was done
extremely fast, in about 10
1012 seconds." From what
we hear, that’s the average
time for sex in Washington.

212

POTPOURRI

SITTING OUT THE GAME IN STYLE
You might not want to put a Super Fan Chair that’s shaped like a football
helmet from your favorite team (most teams from the N.F.L., A.F.C. and
the U.S.F_L. are available, as well as college teams) next to your Knoll
couch or Frank Lloyd Wright table; but in a rec room with a king-sized TV
and plenty of beer, potato chips and pretzels, it beats а stone-cold stadium
bench any time. Available from Sports Chairs Inc., M40 South State Col
lege Boulevard, Suite 3/H, Anaheim, California 92806, for $399.95 Е.О.В
each chair is made of gel-coated fiberglass and has a cushy vinyl-and-velour
interior, plus a swivel base (not shown). The old helmet chair's got us.

YOW! IS THAT
MORE OF ME?

Zippy the Pinhead's back, but
instead of wandering across the
pages of a Bill Griffith under-
ground comic mouthing

“Yow,” “Hey! Fun!!" and “Ат
Thaving a good time yet?
everybody's favorite numskull
has resurfaced in the form of a
three-foot-tall soft-sculpture
doll. Zippy's stepmother, doll-
maker Martha Heller, takes her
simpleton stepehild seriously
He costs $250 and is being pro-
duced in a numbered series
limited to 200 and autographed,
by cartoonist Griffith himself
(Contrary to popular opinion.
Zippy is stulled with polyester,
not Ding Dongs, taco sauce
Polysorbate 80, his favorite
foods.) To obtain Zippy, send
your $250 to Martha
2617 San Pablo Ave
ley, California 9470:
price includes a special booklet
telling you all about Zippy.)

At Berkeley, dollmaking

ranks right up there with
religion, politics and
economics as a

pus art

AVENGING ANGELS

Remember The Avengers, the Sixties Brit-
ish TV series starring Patrick Macnee

as Jonathan Steed and Diana Rigg as
Emma Peel, two sophisticated superspy/
sleuths who could polish off a villain and a
bottle of Dom Pérignon with equal élan?

A new quarterly fanzine. With Umbrella,
Charm < Bowler, available for $4 annually
from Caruba Enterprises. Box 40, Маріс-
wood, New Jersey 07040, has begun pub-
lication just in time for a resyndication of
the show. From what's going on these
days, they re definitely needed

NOT FOR MISS MUFFET
We've heard of pheasant under glass, but
a real tarantula under polyquartz? Yes,
and although its price is a bit hairy ($190),

s seven-inch leg span is a real stopper
Kiefte Originals, 2481 Islington Avenue,
Rexdale, Ontario M9W3X9, is the com-
pany that does this work; and its latest
brochure ($2) also lists other perfectly pre-
served odditi including a delion
$27) and a full-grown piranha ($145).
Give the latter to your mother-in-law.

PRESIDENTIAL
TIM-BER

“Good eve-ning, fel-low Ameri-
cans. My name is Presi-dent
Ron-ald Rea-gan, and Lama
six-foot-tall dum-my. My bod-y
is poly-ester res-in and fiber-

s. Mi-chael Mil-ler, the art-
ist who mak s | can sit
or stand, wave hel-lo with both.
and turn my head in all
tions, just like the chief.
You can take me home for five
thou-sand dol-lars sent to Mil-
ler at Р.О. Box 552, C
qua, New York 10514. Some
peo-ple can-not tell me from
the real Mc-Coy. [you've got
the mon-ey, Гуе got the time.”

TIN CAN, ALLEZ!
Citroén 2cvs, those sardine
cans on wheels that you є
tooling all over Europe geting
incredible gas mileage (up to 60
miles per gallon on some mod-
els), are cult cars that have
been in production for more
than 30 years. Although new
ones can't be imported, pre-
1968 models can, and Four-
net’s, 7603 Balto. & Апар.
Boulevard, Glen Burnie, Mary-
land 21061, is selling them lor
53195 to $4695, depending on
whether the model is Junior,
AZ or its rebuilt Super. Il you
don't smoke Gauloise Bleus,
however, forget it.

THE GOOD OLD DAYS

Back in 1889, Barkham Bur-
roughs published his Encyclo
paedia of Astounding Facts and
Useful Information, containing,
521 recipes and 236 remedies
(e.g, how to prevent baldness),
along with 20,000 other things
worth knowing. ("And
appears in the Old Testament
35,543 times.) Barkham Bur-
grandson.
is oflering a
Encyclopaedia tor
only $7 sent to Brayden Books,
P.O. Box 6, Westport, Connect-
icut 06881. Page 39 tells how to
one tip

POKE THE TV, HONEY; РМ
FEELING A BIT OF A CHILL

Unless you're lucky enough to have a penthouse
with a fireplace, the nearest open hearth may well
be the oil drum on the corner where construction
workers are burning
mental Video comes in. For $39.95. it'll send you a
one-hour video cassette (Beta or VHS) of a smell-
less, smokeless log fire to get you through the long
winter night. (Environmental's address is Р.О.
Box 577, Manhattan Beach, California 90266.
How Santa makes his entrance this Christmas is
your problem, not ours, Charley

Thats whe: 'nviron-

MAKING CHANGE

ing Society, a game of political and eco-
arvival, lets two to 18 players take over the
country in any way they choose, from starting a
revolution or buying up corporations to joining the
military and letting the taxpayers pick up the tab.
Asin life, there are a variety of ways to win and
lose in Changing Society, but you'll discover that
after you've ponied up 516 and sent it
Oakland,

will your
property to another player and return to the game
as your own descendant. Broke but born again

213

Beached Wails

DAVID BOWIE's music video China Girl caused a storm of controversy
even as the hit single of the same name rose on the music charts. MTV's
version deleted the racy parts. Grapevine replaces them for you. We
want to show you what your television won't. There's a lot to be said
for this modern version of love letters in the sand. Agreed?

That Old Black Magic

The burning question for the month appears to be
“Can JAMIE LEE CURTIS keep a secret?” Seen here
getting a wet one from Trading Places co-star EDDIE
MURPHY, she seems delighted to be tested. ёдо
secret at all that Curtis exposes two perfect breasts
in the movie nor that Murphy has all the good moves.

Take Two
The young lady caught in the grip of producer ALLAN CARR is
JERRI LYNN DAVIS, a.k.a. Miss Key Lime Pie. In case you haven't
guessed, they're making a movie, Where the Boys Are. It's not
aremake of the classic Sixties original, but it does take place on
the beach in Fort Lauderdale. We look forward, eagerly, to see-
ing more of the owner of these celebrity breasts of the month.

Hair Apparent
No, boys and girls, those are not antennae peeking out of the В-52%
. Thats the top of CINDY WILSON's distinctive bouffant. The
thing to remember about the B-52's is that their musical style made the
world safe for Yoko's. Get their latest album, Whammy, or their first
music video, Song for a Future Generation, and see what we mean.

California, Here 1 Come!
Has singer NINA HAGEN found her С spot? Her most recent album is
called Fearless and features the No Problem Orchestra. We think that
pretty well sums up her state of mind. Hagen's world-wide tour has just.
begun, and if you want to find out more about this eccentric lady, check
her out in person. As for showing off under the HOLLYWOOD sign,
remember: In Tinseltown, the stars come out even when it's not night.

ТЕЕАТ ІТ

Have you noticed that when the
headlines say "GOOD NEWS FOR HERPES
SUFFERERS,” the news is less than you
hoped for? Good news would be a cure
ог a vaccine or proof that herpes suf-
ferers have better sex. Anything else is
merely comforting news. And that's
what we have for you here. Remember
Acyclovir, the ointment that has been
shown to speed up healing of herpes
lesions? Well, a new Acyclovir tablet is
now being readied for FDA approval. It
was tested by UCLA School of Medicine
researchers, who reported in The New
England Journal of Medicine that the
tablets stopped new outbreaks within
48 hours. Existing sores healed as much
as one week faster than they did with-
out the tablet treatment.

The tablet is not yet ready to be sold
in drugstores, but marketing approval
from the FDA is expected by year's end.

THE ENOUGH DRUG

Drs. John Money and Fred S. Berlin of
Johns Hopkins University say they have
successfully treated deviant sexual be-
havior that may have resulted from
abnormal hormonal activity with a “sex-
ual-appetite depressant.” Although they
do not yet havea theory about just how
brain abnormalities trigger unconven-
tional sexual behavior, they say that
their 20 subjects have unusual brain
scans, unusual electrical activity and
elevated testosterone and pituitary hor-
mone levels. The majority of the sub-
jects have been treated with a drug
called Depo Provera, which lowers the
testosterone levels in the blood. The
effect is to depress an overwhelming
sexual appetite,

SEX NEWS.

From our “How come everybody talks about the French but nobody does anything about
them?" file: Here are two works by French sculptor Ipousteguy. They were sent by the
French government to the annual Chicago International Art Exposition. The one on the
right, called The House, makes us wary of French real-estate deals. As for the other,
Death of a Brother, we don't comprendons. Anyway, you can tell which brother lives.

MALE RAPE

In recent years, we've all been con-
cerned about victims of sexual assault.
But whether it's a university study or a
local police program, most of the atten-
tion has focused on female victims.
Male sexual victimization is a problem,
too. And now, two experts at treating
sex offenders are offering workshops on
male victimization and on juvenile sex-
ual offenders.

At Walt Disney World on October 24
and 25, two directors of sex-offender
programs—A, Nicholas Groth, from Con-
necticuts Somers State Prison, and
Robert E. Longo, from Oregon State

Hospital—will offer a workshop called
The Male Victim of Sexual Assault. They
plan to present a multimedia program
addressing the myths and the miscon-
ceptions about male sexual assault,
including its long-term psychological
effects.

“It is a subject that doesn't get ad-
dressed,” Groth told us, “апа males to
whom it happens think they'll be ridi-
culed if they complain about it.”

While the programs are directed
toward professionals, they are open to
anyone who knows male victims of sex-
ual assault. For more information, write to
A. Nicholas Groth, Ph.D., 183 Bilton
Road, Somers, Connecticut 06071. El

Poster Exhibitionism: Left, the Miami Grand Prix, $10, from
GAH Graphics, P.O. Box 11526, Fort Lauderdale, Florida
33339. Below, ғілүнОу Contributing Photographer Stan
Malinowski's shot of Renee Simonsen, $30, from Aardvark
Art, 770 Birginal, Bensenville, Illinois 60106. At right, the
Playboy Press promotional poster for Playboys Girls of
Summer, available to newsstand purchasers of the book.

Despite the fact that the
Concord HPL-532 is ingeniously
designed to fit everybody's car,
it’s definitely not for everybody.
As Stereo Review said, Concord
*. ..is truly an audiophile's car
stereo’

And what makes it so different?

4-GANG FM TUNER

For extraordinarily clear FM
reception, the Concord HPL-532
has an exclusive 4-gang digital
tuner that provides exceptional
station sensitivity & selectivity.

And to make selecting your
favorite stations even easier it has
a 10-station preset memory.

But, as Concord's 22 years of
innovative stereo design would
lead you to expect, that is only
the beginning.

DC SERVO DRIVE MOTOR

We've designed an exclusive
electronically controlled DC servo
tape transport drive.

Eiecionic speed control circuitry

CONCORD. THE DIFFERENCE 15 WORTH THE DIFFERENCE.

The result? Superior speed
accuracy, lower wow and flutter,
and over double the motor life.

AMORPHOUS CORE TAPE HEAD

you can get in a car stereo without
add-on amplifiers.

__ OTHER IMPORTANT
DIFFERENCES

We've also engineered a new
match-phased [Um
amorphous соге | 34, 2х a
tape head design, | 6
which means a
revolutionary fé: 4 M
improvementin | (721
tape frequency
response out to 20,000 Hz.

It's an improvement you'll have
to hear to believe.

TWO WAY/FOUR WAY AMPLIFIERS

And wait until you hear the
authentic high fidelity sound
reproduction of the HPL-532. It
delivers an impressive 12 watts per
channel into 4 ohms 30-20,000 Hz
with less than 0.876 THD.

In addition, it can deliver 5 wetts
per channel into each speaker of
a four speaker system, because of
an ingenious two way/four way
configuration and a front/rear low
level fader.

All in all it's the greatest full
bandwidth power at low distortion

With its exclusive signal
processor circuitry the HPL-532
will easily handle anything you
want to plug into it.

Like Concord's Dolby* C.

Or dbx** adaptors.

Even imagers or equalizers

And with lighted switches and
function indicators the Concord
HPL-532 is as easy to play at night
as it is to play in the daytime.

And because of its front load
mechanism, it's even easier to load.

All things considered the
Concord HPL-532 is ап extra-
ordinary car stereo.

Of course at around $600 it's
not inexpensive.

But when you add up all its
features you might say this.

The difference is worth the
difference.

Dolby is the registered trademark of Dolby Labs.
*'dbx is the registered trademark of dbx.

CONCORD

Anything else is a compromise.
CONCORD ELECTRONICS, 6025 Yolanda Avenue,
Tarzana, California 91356 (213) 344-9335

‘SPECIFICATIONS: Tuner Section Sensitivity: 3008 Quieting 1.0 Microvolts 11.2dBf, Stereo separation: min. 3508, Frequency responses: 2208,
30-16,000 Hz Tape Section Frequency response: 208, Standard tape: 30-15,000 Hz, Metal tape: 30-20,000 Hz, Wow & flutter: 0.08% WRMS Amplifier
Section Maximum power: 25 watts/ch, Two-way power: 12 watts min. RMS per channel into 4 ohms, 30-20,000 Hz with 0.8 THD max, Four-way power:
5 watts min. RMS per channel into 4 ohms, 30:20,000 Hz with 0.8 THD max

PLAYBOY

218

евэ Caner Wallace. inc.

SATIN SHEET

Buy direct from manufacturer sensu-
ously soft 100% satin nylon, АЗ
wash and dry, seamless, па ironing, &
colors: Black, Brawn, Burgundy, Bone,

it Blue, Royal Blue. Set includes:
Flat Sheet, fitted sheet, 2 matching
pillow cases.

Twinset 529.00 Queenset 546.00

Fullset 539.00

Waterbed set (specify size)

3 Letter Monogram оп 2 cases 54.00
(Add $2.50 Postage & Handling)

CALLNOW (Orders only)
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Calif. 800-428-7824 EXT. 15
24 hours 7 days a week

OR
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date) to:

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CINEMA SEX.

GLORY, GLORY ANDREYS DINNERS GOOD CIGARS

“MY DINNERS WITH ANDREY: INSIDE THE COLD WAR"—IT ALL
STARTED INNOCENTLY ENOUGH, BUT IT ENDED IN A DANCE WITH A
RUSSIAN SPY. A TRUE-LIFE STORY OF AN AMERICAN REPORTER'S.
ENTANGLEMENT WITH THE FBI, THE K.G.B. AND THE GHOST OF LEE
HARVEY OSWALD—BY CARL OGLESBY

"GLORY, GLORY"—SHE'S THE MOST SOUGHT-AFTER WOMAN IN
THE WORLD. NO WONDER SOMEONE'S TRYING TO CLONE HER.
DETECTIVE JOE KILBORN (ALL FOUR OF HIM) IS CALLED IN ON
THE CASE, WITH SURPRISING (TO ALMOST EVERYBODY) RESULTS.
A FUTURISTIC MYSTERY YARN BY JOHN MORRESSY

BUBBA SMITH TALKS ABOUT HOW PRO-FOOTBALL GAMES ARE
THROWN, HIS 1001 NIGHTS WITH GROUPIES, HOW TO SPOT A GAY
IN THE LOCKER ROOM AND WHAT A WHITE MAN SHOULD NEVER
SAY TO A BLACK IN A SNAPPY “20 QUESTIONS"

"SEX IN CINEMA—1983"—THERE WAS PRECIOUS LITTLE OF IT IN
THE YEAR'S BLOCKBUSTER FILMS, BUT NEVER FEAR: YOU'LL SEE
THE BEST OF THE STEAMIEST IN OUR ANNUAL PICTORIAL TRIBUTE
TO MOVIES, EXPLAINED FOR YOU BY ARTHUR KNIGHT

“GENTLEMEN, YOU MAY SMOKE"—A CONNOISSEUR'S GUIDE ТО
CHOOSING A FINE CIGAR—BY DAVID ABRAHAMSON

"THE DEAL: SEX IN THE AGE OF NEGOTIATION"—WE' VE COME
FULL CIRCLE. FROM GIRLS WHO WON'T KISS ON THE FIRST DATE
TO GIRLS WHO SAY GOODBYE ON THE FIRST DATE. IS TALK, TALK,
TALK ALL THERE IS?—BY LAURENCE SHAMES

"HIGH-VOLTAGE RACQUETBALL"—YOU CANT GET AWAY WITH
SWATTING THE SPHERE А COUPLE OF TIMES A WEEK ANYMORE.
NOT WHEN HALF OF YOUR POTENTIAL OPPONENTS ARE A- OR
B-CLASS PLAYERS. HERE'S HOW TO CATCH UP—BY ARTHUR SHAY

D

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8
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£
5
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g

Also availablein soft pack
12 mg. "tar", 1.0 mg "di av. рег Cigarete by ЕТС method

Surgeon General Has Dı

ғә _The filter says mild. —
a The пате says taste. .

ing: ral Has Determi
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Heal