PLAYBOY

INTERVIEW: BASKETBALL SUPERCOACH BOBBY KNIGHT

AUGUST 1984 е $3.00

ч From Fifties Pinup to
$ Eighties Knockout

Terry Moore
Hughes

РР, Ночага
Em Hughes's Ex
CON Shows It

АП Off

Colorado
Governor
Richard Lamm
Gives Us a
Future Shock

A Viewer's
Guide to the
Olympics

Money, Sex and
the American Couple

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Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined

В mg nicotine —100's Reg: 11 mg "tar; 0.7 mg nicotine
tar: 0.7 mg nicotine av. per cigarette, ЕТС Report Mar.'84

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PLAYBILL

AS THE SUMMER heats up, so do many relationships. That can be
cither good or bad. When it's good, it can Ье very good, indeed.
When it's bad, it often has something to do with money. Espe-
cially these days. Contributing Editor D. Keith Mano assesses this
development in Money, Sex and the American Couple (illus-
trated by Teresa Fasoline)—and comes up with a foolproof way to
find out if you and your mate are really compatible. Accompany-
ing the piece is The Dow Jones Emotionals: 30 Issues on Which
Relationships Rise and Fall, by sociologists Philip Blumstein and
Pepper Schwartz. They wrote the book on the subject— American
Couples: Money, Work, Sex.

Some couples have more problems with money than others.
Terry Moore's once secret marriage to Howard Hughes is out in the
open, and she proves in The Merriest Widow she has nothing to
hide. Matter of fact, we think of her as one spruce goose. From
that sort of one on one, we bring you another kind: sports
journalist David Israel goes man to man with the U.S. Olympic
basketball coach, Bobby Knight, in the Playboy Interview. Main-
taining America’s pre-eminence in world-class round ball is, as
we learn, a full-court press. We also give you a road map to
the Summer Games in the Playboy Guide to the Olympics. Here
are hints on what to look for in each event, who’s favored, the
fine points of how to video-tape your favorite amazing feats and
а catalog of fun facts and fuck-ups from Olympics past.

If you think 1984 is not all George Orwell cracked it up to be,
just wait a few years. Colorado Governor Richard D. tamm paints
a bleak picture of what's in store for us. But in 7994: A Predic-
tion (illustrated by Stanislaw Fernandes), Lamm says we can
soften our future shocks—but only if our leaders start making
some unpopular decisions.

Speaking of unpopular decisions, as our elected officials lum-
ber through this portentous year, some disturbing social studies
are getting large grants from the Justice Department. Lorry
Bush's Viewpoint, “Fat Grants and Sleazy Politics: Reagan’s
Porn Paranoia,” alerts us to the fuzzy sort of thinking we're
paying for these days in Washington.

Fuzzy thinking has never been one of actor Kurt Russell's
weaknesses. In 20 Questions, he tells Contributing Editor David
Rensin why he hates his generation, why he thinks nuclear power
isn’t all that scary, what he thinks about baseball’s designated-
hitter rule and how he got to first base with Goldie Hawn. Anson
Mount, on the other hand, gives us the fruits of his prescience in
Playboy’s Pro Football Preview (illustrated by Boris Vallejo).
We won't reveal his Superachievers here, but one conclusion can
be asserted: Bears fans, once again, wait until next year.

We've heard that the Boy Scouts of America has hired a
consultant to bring scouting into the Eighties. Loyd Lynford's The
New Official Boy Scout Handbook advises any little old ladies
trying to cross the street that they're on their own.

Lawrence Block's story By the Dawn’s Early Light finds ex-cop
Matt Scudder investigating the murder of a friend's wife. And
he finds out more than he wants to know. Which is also true of
the rich older man in The Time Exchange, by Damon Knight. It
turns out that if you've got the time, there's always a buyer.

In Walk on the Wilder Side, Gene Wilder shows off Italian
threads while pursuing woman in red Kelly Le Brock in San Fran-
cisco. Mario Casilli photographed this fashion story for us. And if
all that heats you up, Emanvel Greenberg has a number of Long,
Tall Coolers to wet your whistle. You'll need yours for a proper
salute to this month's Playmate, Suzi Schott, and the gaggle
of enticing women entrepreneurs we've gathered in fucceff
Blorief. They are women who believe that living extremely
well is the best revenge. Take that heart-warming thought,
and this magazine, to the beach.

FASOLINO

Ку

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BLOCK DAMON г CASILLE

PLAYGOV, (ISSN 0032-1478). AUGUST, 1904, VOLUME 31, NUMBER ө, PUBLISHED MONTHLY BY PLAYBOY IN NATIONAL AND REGIONAL EDITIONS. PLAYBOY BLDG... 919 м. MICHIGAN AVE.. CHICAGO. ILL. еен,
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PLAYBOY

vol. 31, no. 8—august, 1984 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE

POBL гасене ex sx eium exon exe hri a E ай CON V TRE RA

DEAR PLAYBOY.
PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS .

WOMEN............

THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR ot circ санда Аара» Sae дал CER C ДЕРЕ нэш ЫЗ

DEAR PLAYMATES.

THE PLAYBOY FORUM . ә TA 45
VIEWPOINT: REAGAN'S PORN PARANOIA....................... LARRY BUSH 51
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: BOBBY KNIGHT—candid сопмегѕаћоп.. ................. 55
MONEY, SEX AND THE AMERICAN COUPLE—essay...........- D. KEITH MANO 72
THE DOW JONES EMOTIONALS ..... PHILIP BLUMSTEIN ond PEPPER SCHWARTZ 74
SUCCES$ STORIE$— pictoriol . Veios t cipio a 76
1994: A PREDICTION-—opinion ......................- RICHARD D. LAMM 82 Boloncing Act
LONG, TALL COOLERS—drink ........................ EMANUEL GREENBERG 86

THE TIME EXCHANGE- fiction. DAMON KNIGHT 88
WALK ON THE WILDER SIDE—attire * * .. HOLLIS WAYNE 91
SURE SCHOTT—ployboy’s playmate of the тото 96

PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES—humor. aaa ass nnne по
BY THE DAWN'S EARLY LIGHT—fiction ..................... LAWRENCE BLOCK 112
20 QUESTIONS: KURT RUSSELL ua ca WIE
PLAYBOY'S PRO FOOTBALL PREVIEW sports. . . ANSON MOUNT 116
SNAP DECISIONS—meder living ........................- DON SUTHERLAND 120
THE NEW OFFICIAL BOY SCOUT HANDBOOK-humor. ......... LLOYD LYNFORD 123

THE MERRIEST WIDOW-pictoriol. 130
PLAYBOY FUNNIES—humor. 142
PLAYBOY GUIDE: OLYMPICS. 161

BERNARD AND НЏЕҮ—ѕайге. ................................. 186
PLAYBOY ON THE SCENE .......

205 Wilder Styles

COVER STORY Recognize Terry Moore, once the beloved of reclusive bil-
lionoire Howard Hughes, soon the beloved of our millions of readers? Sporing
no expense, we got Contributing Photographer Stephen Woydo to toke this
month's cover shot of Terry, о lady who's occustomed to the best of everything
ond whose looks hove lost nothing to inflotion—as you'll see оп page 130.

51

GENERAL OFFICES: PLAYUOY BULONG, өтә NORTH MICHIGAN AVE.. CHICAGO, ILLINOIS вови. RETURN POSTAGE MUST ACCOMPANY ALL MANUSCRIPTS: DRAWINGS AND PHOTOGRAPHS SUBMITTEO IF THEY ARE ТО BE

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PLAYBOY

ome people really know
how to make dinner.

“You really know how (А
to microwave a meal." |

“Thanks for the

compliments, but

I must confess,

the vegetable pate

is store-bought
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Carta Nevada.”

SEMI

CARTA NEVADA o felne

“How we love cooking
together... I rev up the
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Mike uncorks the

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To pronounce Freixenet say Freshen
1984 Freixenet SA, San бады de Noya, Spain. Freixenet USA Inc., W Milford, NJ Freixenet ica registerederademark.

PLAYBOY

HUGH M. HEFNER
editor and publisher

NAT LEHRMAN associate publisher

ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director
TOM STAEBLER art director
DON GOLD managing editor
GARY COLE photography director
G. BARRY GOLSON executive editor

EDITORIAL

NONFICTION: JAMES MORGAN articles editor; ROB
FLEDER senior editor; FICTION: ALICE к. TURNER
editor; TERESA GROSCH associate editor; PLAYBOY
GUIDES: Maury 2 Levy edilor; WEST COAST:
STEPHEN RANDALL editor; STAFF: WILLIAM J
HELMER. GRETCHEN MC NEESE, PATRICIA PAPANGE-
is (administration), DAVID STEVENS senior edi-
lors; КОВЕКТ Е. CARR, WALTER LOWE. JR. JAMES В.
PETERSEN, JOHN REZEK senior staff writers; KEVIN
COOK, BARBARA NELLIS, KATE NOLAN, J. F O'CONNOR,
SUSAN MARGOLISAWINTER (пеш york) associate edi-
tars; DAVID NIMMONS assistant editor; MODERN
LIVING: ED WALKER associate editor; им BARKER
assistant edilor; FASHION: HOLLIS WAYNE editor;
по DERUP assistant editor; CARTOONS:
MICHELLE URRY editor; COPY: AKLENE восказ
edilor; JOYCE RUBIN assistant editor; NANCY BANKS.
CAROLYN BROWNE, JACKIE JOHNSON, MARGY MAR-
CHL BARI LYNN NASH, MARY ZION researchers;
CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: ASA BABER. JOHN
BLUMENTHAL, LAURENCE GONZALES. LAWRENCE
GROBEL, D KEITH. MANO, ANSON MOUNT, PETER
ROSS RANGE. DAVID RENSIN, RICHARD RHODES,
JOHN SACK, TONY SCHWARTZ, DAVID STANDISH,
BRUCE WILLIAMSON (порез), GARY WITZENBURG

ART

Pore managing director; CWEY SUSKI. LEN

senior directors; BRUCE HANSEN, THEO
KOUVATSOS, SKIP WILLIAMSON associate directors;
JOSEPH PACZEK assistant director; BETH KASIK
senior art assistant; ANN SEIDL, CRAIG SMITH ат
assistants; SUSAN HOLMSTROM fraffic coordinator;
BARBARA HOFFMAN administrative manager

PHOTOGRAPHY

MARILYN GRABOWSKI wes? coast editor; JEFF COHEN
senior edilor; JAMES LARSON, JANICE MOSES A550-
ate editors: PATTY BEAUDET LINDA KENNEY, MI-
CHAEL ANN SULLIVAN assistant editors; POMPEO
rosar staff photographer: DAVID MECEY. KERRY
morris associate staf} photographers; DAVID CHAN.
RICHARD FEGLEY, ARNY FREYTAG, RICHARD IZUI
LARRY L. LOGAN. KEN MARCUS. STEPHEN WAYDA
contributing photographers; BARBARA CAMP, JANE
FRIEDMAN, PATRICIA TOMLINSON stylists; JAMES
Warp color lab supervisor; ROBERT CHELIUS bust-
ness manager

PRODUCTION
JONN MASTRO director; MARIA MANDIS manager;
ELEANORE WAGNER, JODY JURGETO, RICHARD
QUARTAKOLE assistants

READER SERVICE,
CYNTHIA LACEY-SIKICH. manager

CIRCULATION
RICHARD SMITH director; ALVIN WIEMOLD sub-
scription manager

ADVERTISING
CHARLES М STENTIFORD director

ADMINISTRATIVE
L P VIM DOLMAN assistant publisher; MARCIA TER
RONES rights & permissions manager; EILEEN
KENT contracts administrator

PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES, INC.
CHRISTIE HEFNER president

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MINOLTA

ONLY FROM THE
MIND OF MINOLTA

THE WORLD OF PLAYBOY

in which we offer an insider look at whats doing and who's doing it

IT'S ALL DOWNHILL FROM HERE

Asked whathis Olympic downhill gold medal meantto him,
Bill Johnson (above left) said, “Millions.” Johnson and his
dad were checking out the good life when they dropped by
Playboy Mansion West to spend Movie Night with, among
others, Hef and Miss January 1982, Kimberly McArthur.
Johnson may appear as the star in a future Mansion Movie
Night—rumor has it he's heading for Hollywood next.

ANGELINA CENTERFOLD

In the film Romancing the Stone, Kathleen Tur-
ner plays a novelist whose heroine is named
Angelina. Early inthe movie, Angelina comes to
life in the angelic form of Kymberly Herrin
(above). Kym has been a romantic character
before. On our March 1981 gatefold (right), she
looks set for a night of romancing the Stones.

THIS YEAR'S MODELS WILL BE RECALLED FOREVER

China is the traditional gift for 20th anniversaries; platinum's the
modern choice. But there are no China dolls or platinum blondes
in this tony group of celebrants (from left, Chicago Talent Coordi-
nator Sharon Center, Manager Vicki Choconas and models Doug
Benbow, Ken Bencit, Jill DeVries, Toni Yudt and Toni Sipka), во
we thought Rabbit would be apropos fora celebration of 20 years
of Playboy Models—the model modeling agency since 1964.

YOU'VE COME A LONG WAY, BEBE

Playmates often go on to dizzying success,
but Miss November 1974, Bebe Buell's,
head is still spinning over her conquest of

the vinyl frontier. She's the audio-visual star
of her band, The B-Sides’, new album. If you
like the way Bebe looks on the A side (be-
low), waitl you

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DEAR PLAYBOY

ADDRESS DEAR PLAYBOY
PLAYBOY BUILDING
919 М. MICHIGAN AVE.
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611

THE KENNEDY LEGACY
After reading Peter Collier and David

Horowitz’ Young Kennedys: The Decline

of an American Dynasty (PLAYBOY, May),

I find one thing apparent: Character, like

other traits, often skips a generation.
John R. Moritz
Spring Lake, Michigan

Young Kennedys is a brilliantly written
account. I hope that any comfort people
take from reading that the Kennedy kids
have problems as serious as the ones their
own kids have—or worse—is short-lived.
A second generation of tragedy is nothing
to take solace from.

Kim Ellen Callahan
San Diego, California

I'm disappointed to find ғилувох join-
ing the ranks of the National Enquirer
and other sensationalist tabloids by pub-
lishing Young Kennedys. The Kennedy
family has given so much to this country,
through military and Government service,
suffering tragedy while serving, asking for
little in return. Now we sit and demand
more from them because they are Ken-
nedys. I can’t say 1 have learned more
about the Kennedys or that my feelings for
them have changed after reading Young
Kennedys. 1 have concluded that an article
such as this serves no purpose except to
cause pain to a family that has experi-
enced more than its share of it.

Larry Oleson
Carson, California

If such is the result of being born to the
purple, then I thank God my family
was—and is—consigned to serfdom.

Robert F. Frittier
Assumption, Illinois

WE'RE IN FASHION

I hope it doesn’t make you smug, but,
again, a Playboy Interview (May) has
made me feel good in a uniquely satisfying

way. Despite my lack of interest in fashion
and my eternal surprise at how much
money is spent on it, in less than an hour I
received 2 condensed and insightful be-
hind-the-scenes look at the fashion indus-
try and at Calvin Klein, one of its leading
figures. Your Interviews continue to earn
PLAYBOY a special place in our society.

Loren Dunton

San Francisco, California

Klein and my well are similar in one
respect—they’re both shallow.
Bill Roberts
Portsmouth, Virginia

YOKO'S KUDOS

In June of 1982, we asked Yoko Ono
for her assistance in creating a major exhi-
bition on the history of folk and rock mus-
ic and their relation to peace efforts. Over
a period of more than a year, she and her
staff gave generously of their time and
energy, suggesting possibilities, supplying
information and gathering materials for
the exhibition. It is a testament to her
commitment to peace that during the peri-
od described in David and Victoria Shefi’s
The Betrayal of John Lennon (PLAYBOY,
March), she remained open to a project
such as ours. The exhibit, “Give Peace
a Chance,” drew thousands of visitors
to The Peace Museum. Without Yoko
Ono’s involvement, it would not have been
possible.

Marianne Philbin, Curator
‘The Peace Museum
Chicago, Illinois

OH, OLAI

Although Гуе felt the urge to write to
you before, Гуе never done it. But The
“Thriller” of It All (pLayoy, May), fea-
turing Playmate Ola Ray, finally moved
me to action. As an admirer of the beauty
of black women, I resent the fact that
few black models appear in men’s maga-
zines. Your work with Ola Ray may
change that. She is exuberantly beautiful

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PLAYBOY

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А VERY
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Anew and distinguished
assortment of quality
Playboy Products, selected
for their unique value and
appeal, is now available to
Playboy's special friends.
These items make won-
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business associates,
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For a full-color catalog
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Y

сы

and Richard Fegley's photography is ех-
quisite, as usual.
Gilberto Cobian
Morgantown, West Virginia

1 was excited 10 see the beautiful Ola
Ray in the video Thriller and the May
issue of PLAYBOY. Ola attended the same
high school as I, and to sec someone from
such a small school make it to the top is
really a thriller.

Jeri Takemoto
San Jose, California

Ola-la-lat
Todd Colicchio
West Orange, New Jersey

I enjoyed your May issue. The only
thing that could really make my day
would be another picture of Ola Ray.

Kelwyn Wright
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Consider it made, Kelwyn. We've got a
soft spot for people who quote Clint East-
wood. As for Ola, she’s found a soft spot to

relax in after another day of stardom. All
that thrilling can get a little tiring.

BACK-TO-BACK-TO-BACK HOME RUNS
First there were April's Zhe Method vs.

the Fast Вай and May's The Big-League
Point of View, both excellent. Now you've
got Reggie Jackson's (with Mike Lupica)
My Life in Pinstripes in June. That's an
awesome baseball team you're forming,
PLAYBOY.

Louis Lustenberger

New Orleans, Louisiana

GENERATION GAPS
Thank you for your May pictorial Hel-
lo, Young Lovers. 1 have been waiting for
such a feature to appear in eLAvBOv for
quite some time, and І think PLAvsov is the
only magazine capable of presenting such
a layout in a tasteful manner. My compli-
ments on a fantastic feature.
Steve Edwards
Springfield, Virginia

My husband and I read with great
interest your essay on older women and
younger men. We, too, are a May-Decem-
ber romance: I am 42 and my husband is
24. We have been very happily married
for nine months. We, too, were faced with
all the traditional reasons our relationship

wouldn't work. Steven and 1 have enjoyed
many humorous circumstances; I would
like to share one of my favorites with you.
His parents were very upset when he
decided to marry me, and in a last-ditch
effort to talk him out of it, his father said,
“боп, one day you will wake up and look
at her and she will be old.”

“Ней, Dad,” said Steven in a most seri-
ous voice, “she already zs old.”

My attitude is this: If we share one, five
or ten years together, that will be more
happiness than I've ever known before.
Thank you for reminding us “older”
women that there’s life after 40, especially
if it’s shared with a younger тап!

Mrs. Steven L. Dupre
Knoxville, Tennessee

As a 21-year-old woman currently liv-
ing with, and totally captivated by, a 58-
year-old man, I found Hello, Young
Lovers extremely interesting. May I sug-
gest that in a future issue you show your
readers the other side—younger women
who prefer much older men? If my lover
and I ever break up (which 1 fervently
hope we never do!), I won't even consider
becoming involved with a man under 50.

Irma Calvert
Concord, California

“Older” woman Виа Jenrette may be
receiving critical acclaim for her acting
ability, but I doubt that she'll ever top her
famous performance on the steps of the
U.S. Capitol.

Philip Schacca
West Hempstead, New York

Cynthia Heimel's Wornen column has
been mandatory reading for me since its
first appearance in плувоу. She is al-
ways thought-provoking and intere:
Her Hello, Young Lovers is outstanding,
to say the least. Judging from the pictures
of her that occasionally appear in Playbill,
she is not only "with it" but also is a lovely
lady.

Lanny R. Middings
San Ramon, California

CHANGING CHANNELS
The staff of Rockamerica wishes to
thank you for the positive light you
shed on us in your “Television” column
(pLavpoy, May). It’s especially delicious
within the context of an essay on MTV.
Ed Steinberg
Rockamerica
New York, New York

SIGHTS IN THE SKIES

The Playboy Guide: Electronic Enter-
tainment (May) discusses some of the best
merchandise available on the retail mar-
ket—for video crazies and audiophiles
For the second straight year, however, you
fail to mention anything related to the
blossoming satellite-television industry.
What gives? You do a super job of

informing us about almost ай the marvels
of today and tomorrow, but you've man-
aged to misplace somewhere your wave
guide when it comes to telling readers
about the more than 100 channels of
entertainment that fall in their own back
yards. I'm going to run out tomorrow and
buy a Panasonic VCR and a Proton video
monitor—so I can derive even greater
pleasure from my 12-foot satellite-receiv-
ing system.

Jeffrey Aksamit

Cleveland, Missouri

DIPLOMATIC AFFAIRS
In the March Playboy After Hours sec-
ton, you published a paragraph titled
“Take Him, He's Hers” that is grossly
inaccurate. I do not teach a “how-to”
course. I conduct a self-help seminar
titled "Let's Talk About Extra-Marital
Affairs," which is one of several І teach.
"The course examines such issues as what
extramarital affairs mean in terms of love
or sexuality regarding the "left-out"
spouse, what makes an extramarital affair
healthy or neurotic and how to deal with
ncgativc feclings stemming from your own
or your husband's liaison. My credentials
include a Ph.D. in psychology from City
University of New York, as well as cerufi-
cates in sex therapy, behavior therapy and
rational emotive therapy.
Cynthia Silverman, Ph.D.
Canoga Park, California

THE EYES HAVE IT
The sky is blue, the ocean is blue; Patty
Duffek's eyes are bluer than blue. When T
turned to the opening pages of her picto-
rial (May), the first things to catch my eye
were her bluer-than-blue eyes saying hel-
lo. I was lucky enough to meet Patty at a
Phoenix bookstore, where she signed my
issue of PLAYEOY, and 1 discovered that she
is as charming as she is beautiful
Ron Bradley
Phoenix, Arizona

You don’t have to look any further for
your Playmate of the Year. She's Miss
May, Patty Duffek. I really don’t think
you can top her, but please try

Ernest Sabins
Waco, Texas

HANG YOUR HEAD, EVELYN WOOD

Just a note to say that all of us deeply
appreciate the mention of Rock & Roll
Confidential in your April “Fast Tracks”
section, We are getting quite a bit of
response from it, which I'm sure will con-
tinue for some time. As a former Gl and
steelworker, 1 know that PLaysoy gets read
actively for years after а particular issue
comes ош.

Lee Ballinger
Rock & Roll Confidential
Maywood, New Jersey

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PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS

GROUP SEX

Under the heading 5ЕХ AND NUMBER,
The Mutual Benefit Insurance Compa-
ny's group plan contains a general pro-
vision that "whenever required by the
context of the policy, the plural includes
the singular, the singular the plural and
the masculine the feminine.” Interesting
group.

е
From our Drop Dead Department: А
St. Petersburg widow and her family were
awarded a $240,000 judgment in a lawsuit
against a funeral home and cemetery after
the body of the woman's 73-year-old hus-
band fell out of the coffin in the parking
lot before his funeral
е

А truck driver tooling down interstate
ten near "Tucson flicked his cigarette out
his window and set fire to the 26 tons of
hay he was hauling.

E

Import quotas be damned. The Fresno
Bee included this ad in its auto classified
“Honda Blowjob: 1980 ACCORD LX.
Newer than new. Very low miles. Must
see to appreciate, a real cream puff.”

е

A sign in front of the Fountain Blue—
an oyster bar just outside Orlando—read.
TOPLESS OYSTER BAR. КАТ ЕМ RAW

е.

The Rochester, Minnesota, law firm of
Dingle, Suk, Wendland & Walters, Ltd.
has announced that Kevin P. Howe and
Jon Н. L. Dewey have joined it. Accord-
ing to The Bench & Bar of Minnesota, the
new firm will be known as Dewey, Suk,
Dingle and Howe, Lid

.

The Dallas Morning News ran а classi-
fied ad for a “live-in mature housekeeper-
cock in good health for elderly man.”
е
А cut above:
Corriere della Sera reported that thieves in
Italy have stolen a treasured relic known

The Milan newspaper

as the holy foreskin of our Lord. Fleshing
out its history, an item in Geo revealed
that the Virgin Mary allegedly gave the
foreskin, stored in a vase filled with oil, to
Mary Magdalene. Later, Charlemagne
gave it to Pope Leo Ш, and it has since
rested in a church in Calcata, where it
goes on display once a year. Only this
year, it was clipped
б

In a sports commentary, а Kansas City
Times columnist discussed the University
of Kansas’ basketball victory over intra-
state rival Wichita State University: “The
game Sunday afternoon started ош with
the emotion every college basketball game
should have, although maybe the motives
could have been more gentile." Goy, team,
goy!

E

Full-figure lawsuit: Luanna Cashatt of
Clinton, lowa, claims she was fired from
her job at a Caterpillar Tractor Company
plant for being overly curvaceous, and
she's filing a discrimination lawsuit

against the firm. She charges that she was
dismissed because male workers spent too
much time staring at her 40-20-36 figure
and not enough time doing their jobs. Oh,
yes—the workers of whom she speaks are
employed at the Mount Joy plant
е
We want to believe this, but we just
can’t. The Montreal Gazette classified
section ran the following: “Retired accor-
dion repairman wants strong girl to share
newly acquired aardvark farm in New
Zealand. Ph.D. in animal husbandry an
asset. Must be good mah-jongg player,
drink beer and enjoy yodeling."
А
Why can't they just give us the facts?
The New York Times described the diffi-
culties the last space shuttle was having
with the Solar Max this way: “STUD May
HAVE FOILED SATELLITE CAPTURE.”
е
As it is and ever shall be: When Kathy
Jean Sufi became engaged to William
Marvin Dicks, the Palatka, Florida, Daily
News announced their betrothal the only
way it knew how: “sTIFT-DICKS.”
е
In Mesa, Arizona, a would-be robber of
a Chinese restaurant fled without any loot
when an employee mistook his holdup
note for a takeout order.
е
It's а topsy-turvy business. The Ottawa
Citizen's headline revealed the bare truth:
“OTTAWA STRIP CLUBS FACING CRACKDOWN.”
А
And this from a state with а town
named ‘Terre Haute. As of September, a
law sponsored by a state senator, who
fears bilingualism, will make English In-
diana’s official state language.
е
Judge Frank Saia knew something was
up when defendant Norman Spooner
presented a note, handwritten on a pre-
scription pad allegedly from his doctor,

NEW VACATIONS

You've got the time and money for a vacation, bul nothing out there really inspires
you. You've had one too many poolside piña coladas and rubbed coconut tanning
oil on one too many beautiful women. Delirious sex with gorgeous female strangers
no longer satisfies the explorer in you, nor does it sit well with your wife. Even
seven days of rain in Bermuda is no longer the thrill it once was. What you need is
а new vacation, one that fills those needs you can hardly express.

The Reagan Ranch—As part of this
Administration's down payment on the
Federal deficit well-to-do taxpayers
can now be paying guests at the Presi-
dent's Santa Barbara retreat for seven
days and six nights. For $6800 per per-
son, guests receive three daily meals of
macaroni and cheese and will be al-
lowed to make one major policy deci-
sion. A complimentary obscene phone
call to Moscow or Tip O'Neill is also
included, as are a visit with the First
Lady and a ride on the President's
favorite mount.

Lovely Lebanon—Seven days, six
nights, three governments. Special
going-out-of-business rates.

Role Reversal—On a normal trip,
your baggage is supposed to follow
wherever you go. This is an interesting
idea, but it often seems to encounter
resistance. Hence, our innovation: You
follow your baggage wherever it goes.
Combine the certainty of baggage pos-
session with the excitement of a sur-
prise destination, the best of both worlds.

Star Turns—Spend a week on tour
with Michael Jackson. There is no bet-
ter way to get close to the contempo-
rary music scene and at the same time
discover what sex Michael is. Seven
days, five nights, two nose jobs.

National Geographic Tour—Adven-
ture. Beauty. Nature in all its glory.
This is the only tour with stops in
every country where women have
really big tits. Visit beautiful Ethiopia
("large and pointy”), the Sudan
("huge and droopy”) and Italy (“round
and melonish, juicy, with nipples like
tangy red prosciutto”). Mangia!

Pharmacopoeia Village — Activities
include smoking drugs, dropping
drugs, inhaling drugs and eating drugs.
Meals are served on a sliding scale.
The people smoking pot get to cat
the food of the people doing coke. The
retreat has received unanimous praise
from the world press. Le Monde: *Oh,
wow." The Times of London: “Ек-
traordinary. And I did so appreciate
that acrobatic girl from Colorado.”
New York Times food editor Craig
Claiborne gave our chefs special
mushroom omelet “а zillion stars.”

The Ed Norton—For people who
want to get to the core of the Big Apple.

You wonder: Are there really alligators
in the New York sewers? Are there
rats as big as caribou? Where does Ed
Koch’s love life take place, anyway?
Why not sce for yourself? See the New
York New Yorkers never see, and at
the same time avoid the hordes of Jap-
anese camera wielders who have
turned the sidewalks into a nightmare.
One of the nicest things about this tour
is that when you finally sce Times
Square, it will seem like Gstaad; and
by the end of your stay, your girlfriend
will think a golden shower is just a
touch of morning dew.

Club Fred—Easygoing, not neces-
sarily concerned with being at the “in”
place? Club Fred could be for you.
Named after our friend Fred, who used
to have standards but found them to be
a burden, Club Fred is a great place Гог
a guy who believes that Tahiti's fatal
flaw is that it doesn't have a bowling
alley. The club has many of life's lesser
amenities and is within a day’s drive of
water. A gentle smog-and-soot cover
helps guard against sunstroke. Our pal
Fred’s two favorite people are Gandhi
and the Marquis de Sade, and we fig-
ure there are only two places for a guy
like that to hang out. Club Fred is one
of them.

The Corporate Retreat —Arc you in
business but still a bit uncomfortable
about it? Come to our resort and
learn how to act corporate. Spend time
on our firing range, where you can
learn to terminate employees. Take
courses in hearty laughter and back-
slapping. Learn to express deep con-
cern for the economy, as opposed to
blathering about petty obsessions such
as the fact that your division is going
down the toilet. Complimentary pair of
plaid trousers, Mandatory golf.

Travel Agent’s Whimsy—For people
who care more about bargains than
about being alive, here is a ten-day,
12-night budget trip that would seem
hard to ignore. The $379 package
includes meals and lodgings at the
finest establishments in Paris (Ken-
tucky), Manhattan (Kansas), Vienna
(Georgia) and Rome (New York). If
you've spent years lowering their ex-
pectations, this could hit the spot.

— ANDREW FEINBERG

explaining why Spooner had previously
not shown up in court. The note read, “I
seen Norman Spooner on March 9 and
treated him for a womb on his neck.”

•

From the Go With Your First Impres-
sion Department: Trivial Pursuit enthu-
siasts will eventually get to the card that
asks, *What did Otto Titzling invent?"
According to T.P., it's too true: the bras-
siere.

е

А соттоп complaint among apartment.
dwellers is their neighbors noise. But
Mabel Nileski, a Cresson, Pennsylvania,
woman, didn't have a chance to complain.
Her neighbor Gregory Pauley, an unem-
ployed father of two, apparently at-
tempted suicide by shooting himself in the
chest with а .22 rifle while lying in bed
The bullet tore through Pauley’s back,
a pillow and a wall—and wounded
Nileski

•
Picky, picky: А New York City pub-
lisher passed along a letter hc received to
Publisher's Weekly—1he Bible of the in-
dustry. The letter read, “Pm seeking to
secure a list of all the female Jewish artists
past 50 yrs. of age and who are residents
of Manhattan. The reason I am writing to
your company is that you are a publishing
outfit and you most likely have had
numerous women illustrate your books.
P.S. Do you know of any female artists
that fit the above description and have the
first name of Estelle.”
•

Love for Sale Department: According to
The Wall Street Journal, no less, bondage
chic is "in." At Headlines, a San Fran-
cisco boutique, the manager says, "I'm
amazed at the clientele we've been getting.
А year ago, it was teenaged punkers with

Mohawks . . . now we're getting women,
secretaries, professionals," all buying
studded-leather wrist bands, leather

miniskirts and fingerless leather gauntlets
with spikes. This garb, once shunned by
almost everyone except the sexually kinky,
got picked up by pop stars and is now
being imitated by red-blooded Americans
everywhere. Flip, a shop in Greenwich
Village, says the new cruel look is “rising
from underground—it's becoming street-
level." Pedestrians everywhere, take note.
.

An Abilene, Texas, funeral home listed
under “Frozen Food—Wholesale” in the
Southwestern Bell telephone book filed a
$311,000 damage suit against the phone
company. Elliot-Hamil Funeral Home
sought damages for mental anguish and
loss of revenue. The phone company said
that it apologized for the mistake and
would give Elliot Hamil an “adjustment”
on its bill.

б
According to а headline in The Louis-
ville Times, “SHORT POLICE OFFICER LOSES
SEX APPEAL.
Has he checked his bottom drawers?

PRESENTING

STERLING

ITS ONLY A CIGARETTE ~
LIKE STEINWAY IS ONLY A PIANO

„слова... REYNOLDS TOBACCO co.

i
STEINWAY? is a trademark of Steinway Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined
which does not maka or license. STERIC? Co Cigarettes. That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health.
12 mg. "tar", 1.0 mg. nicotina av. per cigaratte by FTC method. :

Back panel connectors Dual mode illuminated
ready for digital cassettes or control panel (shown in tuner
compact disc players. mode). Switch to tape and
theres a whole new set of
icons to figure out.
Tuning mode: 18 station pre-
sets—12 FM, 6AM. Tape mode:

program tape deck functions. DE E
Volume up. Ead

Volume down.

COMMANDER —

Automatic mute function.

AM/FM selector in tuner
mode, direction/release in
tape mode.

Up/down tuning in tuner P Se
mode, FF/Rewind in tape

mode.

D.A.BAL INTENS SENS

Full graphic equalizer lets
you shape sound the way you ala
like it. LY

% PIONEER 0

IT EVEN KNOWS
WHEN YOU ROLL
DOWN THE WINDOW.

Jemark of Dolly Laboratories

Balance/ bass/treble, local
scan and more behind
flip-down control panel.

Activates quartz clock.

Radio Program Timer lets
you pre-program up to two
different stations at two
different times.

а CONTROL TUNER DECK [J)[j(posv s-c un

1065

Memory select in tuner mode,
music repeat in tape mode.

Selects cassette mode and
changes display.

Selects tuner mode and tuner

= Е command display shown.

Station scan in tuner mode,
bi-directional scan in tape

mode.

Auto Sound Levelizer—adjusts

interior music level to differing
road conditions. Roll down a
window, the volume goes up.
Pull off the freeway, the
volume goes down.

aphic Equalizer, for instanc
sensor that adjusts the volume when
you roll the window down. Or up)
So it's also one of the most expensive
autostereos in the world.
What you see
just the Centrate
"М Stereo Cassette
unit and Graphic Equa-
i cost $850.00 and

complete Centrate
System — including amplifier, sub-woofer, remote
control, four speakers and installation — could

to $3,000.
But even though Centrate may not
be on everybod с
all Ше same to impart a bit of c
actually use:
Even after we told our engineers to go-
or-broke, damn-th build- the! best Е

ta you might

tuner comp
|| was the ven
Ш available in a whole line of
eminently affordable Pioneer
( models
Which is another way
of saying you can't buy a
better car stereo.Fven if you spend more for the
stereo than you spent for the car.

Q PIONEER

Because Ше music matters.

24

MOVIES

By BRUCE WILLIAMSON

THE TANDEM title role in АЙ of Me (Uni-
versal) is shared by Lily Tomlin and Steve
Martin, and I couldn't have liked them
more. Tomlin plays a terminally ill,
wealthy shrew who announces to Martin,
as her unscrupulous young lawyer, that
she intends to come back from the dead.
“What makes you think you can do that?”
he asks. “Because Im rich,” she answers.
And on that cheeky note, All of Me whips
up a delectable batch of slapshtick mad-
ness, zestfully directed by Carl Reiner
(Martin’s collaborator on both The Jerk
and Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid) from
an appropriately zany screenplay by Phil
Alden Robinson. It’s not afl quite as hilar-
ious as the early scenes, which had me on
the floor—when Lily’s frigid, spinsterish
soul accidentally turns up in Martin’s
ever-ready body. As the mystic responsible
for the mistake, Richard Libertini might
steal the show if he were in lesser
company. But Tomlin's knowing twinkle
brightens up her impersonation of a dis-
embodied prude glimpsed mostly in mir-
rors, and Martin is spectacular in dealing
with the problem that the left side of his
body is male, the right side female. It’s not
necessary to be a Martin fan to savor this
particular tour de force, but just try to
keep a straight face when Steve's right-
handed alter ego has to help him zip up in
the men’s room. Madolyn Smith, as his
exasperated fiancée, and Victoria Ten-
nant, as the stableman’s conniving daugh-
ter who was supposed to inherit the dead
woman's soul along with her worldly
goods, perform their bitchery with flair.
All aspects of All of Me are well balanced
by Reiner, who knows how to blend
knockabout comedy and sharp-edged sat-
ire so the seams scarcely show. Ууу
е

When you come away from a movie
remembering the cinematography above
all, there is apt to be something amiss.
Caleb Deschanel's camera wizardry just
about swamps The Natural (Tri-Star), ап
exceptionally silly, self-important bascball
drama adapted from Bernard Malamud’s
first novel. The overuse of slow motion—
for grand-slam homers or winning
pitches—and silhouette shots serves as a
constant reminder that this is not just
another baseball yarn. It's an apocalyptic
allegory, by golly, chock-full of characters
who stand jor something but seldom seem
to be living, breathing people. As the hero,
a middle-aged rookie who breaks into big-
league ball at an age when most players
start to think of retirement, Robert Red-
ford is photographed like the superstar he
is—mouthing high-minded platitudes,
striking attitudes, generally portraying the
myth rather than the man. Robert Duvall

Tomlin, Martin get it together.

Tomlin, Martin in comic
mismatch; Redford out at first;
Hardbodies is beached.

Kristi Somers, one of the Hardbodies.

is Max Mercy, a merciless sportswriter,
with Kim Basinger, Glenn Close and Bar-
bara Hershey in thankless roles as three
women who dramatize the doubtful thesis
that an athlete’s swing is only as good as
the dames in his life. Director Barry
Levinson, after his stunning debut with
Diner, pretty well strikes out here, as if he
were so preoccupied with the Thirties
decor that he never got down to basics.
"Though touted as a labor of love for
Levinson and Redford, The Natural is a
согпу, operatic, overwrought mockery of a
great American sport. ¥¥
е
Hardbodies (Columbia) are those splen-
didly proportioned girls who frequent the
beaches of Southern California—usually
wearing little more than minuscule swim-
suits and roller skates. Judged by the
quality of mindless summer fun afoot in
this beachnik epic, girls get "dialoged" by
cute guys (as the cutest twosome, Teal
Roberts and Grant Cramer look awfully
pleased with themselves). But when three
boorish businessmen come to party at the
beach, they have to produce more than fast
chatter—or, as one hardbody succinctly
puts it, “I don’t fuck fossils for free.”
Another curvaceous philosopher wonders
aloud why guys like boobs. Kinda makes
ya think, doesn’t it? If not, you might have
a better time getting buried in the sand. Y
е
Dutch film maker Paul Verhoeven ab-
hors sexual taboos (his Turkish Delight
and Spetters gave pause to the prudish),
yet I'm not sure frankness can save The 4th
Man (Spectrafilm) from intrinsic medioc-
rity. As usual, fine camerawork and top-
grade performances lend the movie an
aura of class, but Verhoeven's cerie occult
drama too often slips over the fine line
separating daringly lewd from ludicrous.
His trio of unzipped principals includes
a famous homosexual novelist (Jeroen
Krabbe), a thrice-widowed blonde beauti-
cian (Renee Soutendijk) who may actually
be a wicked witch, plus the handsome stud
(Thom Hoffman) they both want to bed.
Although by no means boring, 4th Man
ultimately dissipates its smooth carnal
decadence in expendable deep-think about
death, fate and redemption. ¥¥
E
The films of French writer-director
Bertrand Blier, from Going Places in 1974
to his 1978 Oscar winner, Get Out Your
Handkerchiefs, frequently feature a pair
of eccentric but innocent male chums with
a manipulative female between them. My
Best Friend's Girl (European International)
has Isabelle Huppert doing a fine deadpan
comic turn as the amoral Viviane, who
moves in with a handsome ski-shop owner
(Thierry Lhermitte, a French romantic
idol already well on his way to bigger
things) but prefers his older, portly ami,

Micky (drolly played by the comedian
Coluche). Blier’s plot could be scribbled
on one corner of a postcard from Cour-
chevel, the breath-takingly photogenic
French ski resort where most of the inter-
action among this engaging threesome
takes place. Like an afternoon in powder
snow on the intermediate slopes, Best
Friend’s Girl is cool, fast, flip and
fun-loving, but nowhere near Olympic
class. ¥¥%
е
While а sailor’s away, his wife may
stray—and that pretty well sums up the
story of Swing Shift (Warner). Goldie
Hawn, winsome as ever, is the liberated
house mouse who discovers a whole new
world—and Kurt Russell, too—when she
goes to work on the assembly line of an
airplane factory in California during
World War Two. Ed Harris (he was
John Glenn in The Right Stuff) sympa-
thetically plays the cuckolded gob and
Christine Lahti is a wry delight as the
heroine's obligatory confidante. But
the movie’s emphasis is mostly on wartime
atmosphere—all snoods and newsreels
and nostalgic tunes in a modest package
from director Jonathan Demme, whose
trip down memory lane smacks more of
careful research than of experience. ¥¥%
е
Three out of four so-called youth mov-
ies make me feel that puberty rites ought
to be revoked, but there's a nice fillip of
truth and freshness in Sixteen Candles
(Universal). Former rLAvBov contributor
John Hughes wrote screenplays for Mr.
Mom and National Lampoon's Vacation
before his debut as writer-director with
this lively, lightweight comedy about young
lust, among other things. Molly Ring-
wald appealingly plays а plucky heroine
whose family and friends have forgotten
her 16th birthday. “Aw, рее” might be the
only apt response to that crisis, except that
the movie compensates for total triviality
with its wicked asides about teeny-bop-
pers in heat. The hottest sprout by far has
to be Anthony Michael Hall—a real find
as the school "weenie," earnestly prac-
ticing to be a sex fiend when he grows
up. ¥¥%
е
Writer-director Penelope — Spheeris’
anarchic and colorful Suburbia (New Hor-
izons) makes the point that punks are only
human. Her story is pretty rudimentary:
violent local rednecks vs. a sympathetic
band of outsiders—in this instance, some
runaway kids with spiked hair and
strange clothes, living in an abandoned
housing development. There’s a suicide,
plus a conventional and predictably vio-
lent climax, but Spheeris’ cast of un-
knowns looks semipro, street-wise, as if
improvising on the spot a collective por-
trayal of a group that calls itself T.R.—
‘The Rejected. They get to you, perhaps
more so if you're of an age to find meaning

Hall, Ringwald in Candles,

Suburban teens, normal
and alienated; some
unusual fare from overseas.

Suburbia's Julie Winchester.

Irezumi's tattooed lady.

in the message that people who need
people may hide behind purple hair. ¥¥
е

In Kyoto, an old master of tattooing
believes that a woman's skin is most recep-
Чуе to his art when she is sexually
aroused. Thus, he orders his young assist-
ant to make love to the beautiful Akane
(Masayo Utsunomiya) while he adorns
her body with a tattoo commissioned by
her well-to-do lover. Much more than this
goes on in Irezumi (Almi Classics), a wildly
alien but well-acted and intensely erotic
drama directed by Yoichi Takabayashi.
Rooted firmly in the culture that gave us
hara-kiri and graceful geishas, Irezumi
(literally, “the spirit of the tattoo”) ex-
plores the far horizons of pain and pleas-
ure with fastidious style. Bizarre, but
undeniably provocative. УУЖ

е

Director Andrzej Wajda's A Love in
Germany (Triumph) studies Sturm und
Drang on the home front during World
War Two. Adapted from a novel by Rolf
Hochhuth, the plot is familiar stuff but
powerful because Wajda makes every
chestnut seem sizzling hot. He also had
the wisdom to pick Hanna Schygulla
for his leading lady. As a village shop-
keeper who's having a furtive, forbidden
affair with a Polish prisoner of war (Piotr
Lysak) while her husband’s in the army,
Schygulla forcefully demonstrates why she
is a top international star. Her man hun-
ger is so palpable that she seems virtually
drunk with desire, blind to consequences,
whether she's buying condoms at the
pharmacy or risking a quick bash beside
the road with her passionate Pole. He's
part of a forced-labor contingent perform-
ing heavy-duty chores around the village,
and fraternizing with local Frauen is a
capital offense. Filtered through Wajda's
fine sensibility, Nazi cruelty still has
numbing impact. Even so, the highest
drama of Love in Germany is watching
Schygulla generate unabashed and unre-
pentant lust. ¥¥¥

е

Another case of illicit fraternization
with the enemy occurs in Another Time,
Another Place (Goldwyn), all about an
affair between a Scottish farmer's wife
(Phyllis Logan) and an Italian prisoner
(Giovanni Mauriello) assigned as a field
worker during World War Two. Nice act-
ing by all hands, sensitive direction by
writer-director Michael Radford. But be
warned—the scenery, the sex and the life-
style are all spectacularly bleak. ¥¥

е

The spate of suspense movies made
from books by Stephen King could be
slowed down or simply sluiced away in
silliness by Firestarter (Universal). Drew
Barrymore, that precocious little charmer
from Е.Т., still exudes charm as an eight-
year-old kindlin' cousin to Carrie, a sort of
human flame thrower cursed with the
power of pyrokinesis. David Keith is also

PLAYBOY

PIERRE SMIRNOFF FLS (DIVISION OF HEUBLEIN. INC.) HARTFORD, CT MADE IN U.S A:

SMIRNOFF" VODKA 80 & 100 PROOF DISTILLED FROM GRAIN « 1983 ST

"The quality of Smirnoff

is classical.

Its value merits
a standing ovation”

PINCHAS ZUKERMAN,
world-renowned violinist.

“When I play, I strive for
the highest quality in my performance.

“I look for the same standards in my vodka. I know
that Smirnoff vodka is distilled from the finest grain,
and then checked 47 times for quality and smoothness. In short, it offers a
virtuoso performance. You may pay a little more, but
ои find Smirnoff is worth more. ч

то тт

en it comes to vodka, Smirnoff LEAVES YOU BREATHLESS
plays second fiddle to none.” There's vodka, and then there's Smirnoff.

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VARIATIONS ON
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After rehearsal, in a tall glass
filled with ice, pour 102 oz
Smirnoff. Fill with equal parts
of cranberry and orange juice
Garnish with orange slice.

- BACKSTAGE PU!

At the backstage party, combine

4 сирз Smirnotf Vodka, one 16 o7
can crushed pineapple with syrup,
опе 1107. can mandarin oranges,
one 607.can frozen pineapple
juice, pour over block of ice in
punch bowl. Just before serving,
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While savoring the reviews, in
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There's vodka,
and then there's Smirnoff?
SMIRNCFF* VODKA 60 & 100 PROOF DISTILLED FROM GRAIN

©1984 STE. PIERRE SMIRNOFF FLS (DIVISION OF HEUBLEIN, INC )
HARTFORO. CT —MADE IN U.S A.

OK as her protective daddy, who has
mind-bending powers of his own and
knows his little girl is high on the hit list of
a secret Government agency called The
Shop. As two of The Shop’s leering vil-
lains, Martin Sheen and George C. Scott
are cither plain terrible or giving the
hammiest comic performances of their
careers—with Scott camping it up as a
one-eyed assassin named Rainbird. In a
fair sampling of the asinine dialog, anoth-
сг bad guy bluris, “Suppose lighting fires
is only the tip of the iceberg.” Huh? Fire-
starter’s consistently stumbling direction
matches the screenplay, with dramatic
impact roughly equal to a false alarm. ¥
е

Blatant homosexuality in a British
boys’ school is the subject of Another Coun-
try (Orion Classics), which enjoyed con-
siderable success on the stage in London.
Julian Mitchell's play is a cunning fiction
with clear references to one of England's
great political sex scandals—the case of
Guy Burgess and Donald Maclean, two
diplomats who defected to Moscow in the
Fifties after spying for the Soviet Union.
Аз a flamingly promiscuous gay student
named Guy, who falls in love with
another handsome boy (Cary Elwes),
young Rupert Everett gives a flashy and
remarkable performance. So does Colin
Firth, as his leftist friend, a sexually
straight rebel who's shocked to learn that
Guy, bucking tradition, intends to remain
gay even after they leave school. Рт not
sure I buy Another Country’s thesis that
this violation of the social code leads to
disgrace and political disaffection, but
director Marek Kanievska puts the case
with intelligence, sensitivity and so little
sensationalism that anyone looking for
cheap kicks in the movie’s boy-meets-boy
encounters is apt to be disappointed. ¥¥%

.

None of the usual glaze of Gallic chic
and sophistication covers up the nasty nit-
ty-gritty of contemporary French family
life in A Nos Amours (Triumph). Director
Maurice Pialat, who also plays the stray-
ing father in this strident household, does
not curb curses or fisticuffs or screaming
matches in his portrait of a promiscuous
teenager (Sandrine Bonnaire) on the run
from ennui to anything that feels good.
Winner of a prize (in a tie with Le Bal) as
France's best picture last year, Nos
Amours also lifted the sexy Bonnaire into
the limelight as most promising new
actress. She's the definitive nymphet, Su-
zanne, who despises her parents, scorns
her obese businessman brother and jumps
into the sack for recreational sex as casual-
ly as she sneaks off to see a movie. French
audiences reportedly swarmed to Pialat’s
hard-edged exposé of treachery and ter-
rorism en famille. It’s unsparingly honest,
often compelling, but may feel like a slap
in the face to Americans who'd rather

snuggle up with Terms of Endearment's ^

heartfelt brand of domestic drama. Can't
say I blame them, either. УУ

MOVIE SCORE CARD

capsule close-ups of current films
by bruce williamson

АЙ of Me (See review) Tomlin reincar-
nated as Martin, both funny. УУУ
Another Country (See review) British
boychicks minoring in buggery. УУ
Another Time, Another Place (See re-
view) Romance scotched. yy
Le Bol Half a century of history re-
played by hoofers. yy
The Bounty Mel Gibson’s turn to lead
those famous mutineers, ОК. ум
les Compéres A runaway kid on the
Riviera, pursued by Depardieu. ¥¥%
Firestarter (See review) Flame-out. ¥
The 4th Моп (Sce review) Going Dutch
in а boy-girl-boy love triangle. vv
Greystoke: The Legend of Tarzan, Lord of
the Apes A real swinger. wy
Hardbodies (See review) Also soft in the
head, but you may not notice. ¥
Iceman Getting lo know а guy who's
spent 40,000 years іп a glacier. ¥¥%
drezumi (See review) How-to drama of
a tattooed lady in Kyoto. уми
Liquid Sky Star-bright Anne Carlisle
dolls up a punky semiclassic. yy
A love in Germany (Sce review) Pas-
sionate Frau (Hanna Schygulla) meets
Polish POW. УУУ
Moscow оп rhe Hudson From Russia
with Robin Williams, who's fine. ¥¥¥
My Best Friend's Girl (See review) Ro-
mance à trois. vv
The Natural (Sec review) Redford at
loose ends as a baseball legend. yy

Nos Amours (See review) Unre-
touched French family portrait. муза
Preppies Extracurricular studies of sex
and other such shenanigans. vv
Privates on Parade Denis Quilley drag-
ging a British entertainment unit on a
high-camp tour. ума
Racing with the Moon The three young
stars come out well ahead. ум
The Revolt of Job Old Jewish couple
adopt Christian boy in Nazi era. ¥¥%
Romancing the Stone Thrills and spills
for novelist Kathleen Turner. УУУ
Sahara An unlikely sheik of Araby kid-
naps our own Brooke Shields. — УУ
Sixteen Candles (See review) Kid stuff
with a few extra kicks. ууй
Splash A fine fishy romance, with Tom
Hanks and Daryl Hannah. yyy
The Stone Boy Rustic family tragedy,
with Duvall as head of household. УУУ
Suburbia (See review) Punksville. ¥¥
Sugar Cane Alley To be young, black
and gifted on Martinique. vy
Swann in love A richly embroidered but
skimpy Proust sampler. yy
Swing Shift (See review) Hawn and
Russell on the home front. уз»
This Is Spinal Тар АП the rock groups

rolled into one swell spoof. УУУУ»;
¥¥¥¥ Don't mis ¥¥ Worth а look
¥¥¥ Good show ¥ Forget it

28

COMING ATTRACTIONS

By JOHN BLUMENTHAL

IDOL GOSSIP: Teri Garr and Peter (Shoot the
Moon) Weller will top-line Paramount’s
Firstborn, a contemporary drama about a
teenaged boy struggling to keep his family
together. Tom Berenger, originally slated
for the Weller role, was sidelined by an
auto accident. Michael (Coal Miner's
Daughter) Apted will direct. . Bud
Cort will play the role of Sigmund Freud
in 20th Century-Fox's The Secret Diary
of Sigmund Freud, a spoof on the origins
of Freud's theories. Co-starring in the
film, which should be out shortly, are
Dick Shawn as a patient with identity
problems, Carel Kane as a beautiful nurse
who lusts for the young shrink, Carroll
Baker as Momma Freud, Klaus
and Marisa Berenson. - lovis Malle
will direct Amy Madigan and Ed Harris in
Alamo Bay, a drama about Vietnamese
immigrants in conflict with local "Texas
fishermen. . . . Donald Sutherland and John
Heard have been set to star in Tri-Star’s
Catholic Boys (tentative title), described
by one source as “а cross between Sister
Mary Ignatius Explains It All for You and
Animal House.” Eddie Murphy, of all
people, has been signed to replace Sylvester
Stallone in Paramount's action comedy
Beverly Hills Cop. Maybe typecasting is
dead at last.

inski

е.

RUSSKIES AND NAZIS: Now in production
for HBO Premiere Films are Culag, star-
ring David Keith and Malcolm McDowell,
and Forbidden, with Jacqueline Bisset and
Jurgen Prochnow. In the former, Keith
plays an American ex-Olympian turned
sports commentator who ends up in a
Russian work camp, where he plots an
escape with fellow inmate McDowell. In
Forbidden, which takes place in Nazi
Germany, Bisset plays a wealthy, aristo-
cratic Frau who falls in love with a Jewish
prof (Prochnow)

б

1VANT ТО ВЕ ALONE: In Garbo Talks, Anne
Bancroft plays ап eccentric middle-aged
lady who finds out she has a brain tumor
and has one dying wish—to mect Greta
Garbo. Obediently, her accountant son,
played by Ren (Silkwood) Silver, takes up
the task of locating the elusive Garbo and,
along the way, meets all kinds of crazy
New York theatrical types (including
Torch Song Trilogy writer-star Harvey
Fierstein), separates from his spouse (Carrie
Fisher) and meets his dream girl (Catherine
Hicks). But does he deliver Garbo? In
other words, does Greta Garbo actually
appear in this flick? Well, yes and no.

е

THE OLDER WOMAN: Columbia's No Small
Affair is your basic coming-of-age roman-
tic comedy involving a teenager who falls
in love with an older woman. Directed by

As Sam played it, again and again, the world will always welcome lovers. Among those moviegoers
will greet soon are Jacqueline Bisset and Albert Finney in Under the Volcano (above),
С. Thomas Howell and Jamie Lee Curtis in Grandview, U.S.A. (below). In the long-awaited film
version of Malcolm Lowry's 1947 novel, Finney plays an alcoholic ex-Brilish consul (haven't we
seen this one?) and Bisset his estranged wife; in Grandview, Jamie Lee owns and runs а demolition-
derby track and messes around with Howell and also with Patrick Swayze, a married man.

Jerry (Honeysuckle Rose) Schatzberg, the
picture stars Jon Cryer (son of actress
Gretchen Cryer) as а 17-year-old amateur
photographer whose eye is always at the
view finder of a Nikon. One day, night-
club singer Demi (Blame Jt оп Rio) Moore
accidentally walks into his frame of focus,
he asks her to pose for him and, as they
say, love springs. Alas, he’s only 17, she’s
all of 23; he’s a virgin, she’s not; and so
оп and so forth. Set in San Francisco, No
Small Affair is due out in September.
е

"ANIMAL HOUSE" RECYCLED: Twentieth
Century-Fox has a sure-fire box-office

winner in Revenge of the Nerds, the
adventures of a group of collegiate com-
puter whiz kids who are tired of getting
kicked around by jocks and decide to start
their own fraternity house. Starring in this
“campus romp” are Rebert Carradine as
Lewis, who builds robots and doesn’t
realize he’s a nerd; Anthony (Heart Like a
Wheel) Edwards as Gilbert, a nerd with a
mensch struggling to get out; Curtis Arm-
strong as the obligatory gross nerd; Larry B.
Scott as a gay black nerd; and Julie Mont-
gemery as a snobbish cheerleader who
starts liking nerds when she realizes
they’re human beings, too.

This is one of those chicken-or-egg puzzles. We're not sure whether Liberace set the stage for
performers such as Michael Jackson, Annie Lennox end Boy George or whether they're responsible
for his current popularity. Lee (with The Rockettes, above) just broke a Radio City Music Hall
ticket-sales record, previously set by Peter Allen. їп апу case, it's proof Grace Slick was years ahead
of her time—she wanted Liberace to tour with Jefferson Airplane (now Starship) ten years ago.

'АКЕ ME TO YOUR LIEDER: Don’t
be surprised if you sce folks goose-
stepping on the dance floor of your local
disco sometime soon. Those savvy Ger-
mans—who were, after all, the first
people to give the Beatles their due—have
been exporting an arsenal of song hits
recently that are exploding up our charts
like so many V-2s
So far, the leader of the pack is Nena
(the singer and her band have the same
name), whose antiwar song 99 Luftballons
went to number two on Billboard’s Hot
100 while the video (in German and
English versions) went into heavy rotation
on МТУ. But she's got plenty of company
from Das Vaterland, including Peter Schil-
ling, who spent half a year on the charts
with Major Tom, his ode to David Bow-
ie's character of that name; Taco, whose
robotic-synth version of Puttin’ On the
Ritz was a novelty hit; Kraftwerk, the orig-
inal showroom dummies who started the
clectropop juggernaut rolling in the mid-
Seventies and came back with the dance
smash Tour de France (in French, natür-
lich); Nina Hagen, who left East Germany
years ago and now sports a yellow-green
Mohawk while reviving the clothes and
music of Zarah Leander (better known as
the sex symbol of the Third Reich); Trio,
whose manager, Klaus Voormann, once
played bass for the Beatles, sold 4,000,000
copies in Europe of something called Da
Da Da 1 Don't Love You You Don't Love
Me Aha Aha Aha before it became a cult hit
here; and drummer George Kranz, who
topped our dance charts with a drums-
and-vocals oddity, Trommeltanz (Din

Daa Daa)—apparently, Dada is a hot
item these days.

But for the truly adventurous—or fool-
hardy, depending on your point of view—
there's even an art-rock band called
Einstürzende Neubaten, which means, well,
“collapsing new buildings" They don't
sing in English yet, but with lyrics that
translate roughly as "Listen with pain,
hear with pain, ears are wounds,” perhaps
that’s just as well. —PETER OCCHIOGROSSO.

GOOD ROCKING: Мс had only one
question in mind when we called Rockwell
(a.k.a. Kennedy Gordy, son of Berry Gor-
dy, the father of Motown), and it had to do
with the title track from his debut album,
Somebody’s Watching Me. So, Rockwell,
we said, who's been doing all this watch-
ing, anyway?

“Everybody,” Rockwell said. “I'm so
cute you can't help it. Women watch me,
men watch me, little animals on the street
watch me. I’m telling you, I can’t get away
from it. It’s happened all my Ше.

“When I was younger,” continued the
20-year-old, “T used to get into а lot of
fights. The only reason I ever had to fight
was that people were staring at me. I
would stare back and they didn’t like it,
because I was so cute.”

Ti must be hell, we said, laughing
along with Mr. Cute. All that attention,
just when you're trying to get famous. But
wait—does that explain the pseudonym?
Is Rockwell camouflage for a hounded
Kennedy Gordy?

“The name started in high school,” he
said. “Everybody called me Rock, because

I had a heavy-metal rock-'n'-roll band.
But, see, I felt that I rocked well, so 1
decided that’s what the name had to be.
Гус been Rockwell for years. Nobody calls
me Kennedy anymore.”

We were just saying goodbye (and pon-
dering a few pseudonyms of our own—
Writewell? Scribewell?) when Rockwell
added, "Hey, listen, can you get me in
touch with some of your Playmates? I'm a
man, you know; I’m not Prince!”

— PAMELA MARIN

REVIEWS

Sometimes strange things happen to
critically acclaimed bands. Sometimes
they begin to believe they're Minstrels for
All Time. R.E.M.'s first album, Murmur,
won heavy awards from Rolling Stone,
The Village Voice and Record. R.E.M.'s
second album, Reckoning (LR.S.), may
well do the same. Its title, though, should
be a clue that there's more grave contem-
plation on this album than in the Gettys-
burg Address. Maybe there’s a critical
conspiracy to bring you, the supposedly
tasteless consumer, pomp "n circumstance
dressed as rock "n' roll. Reckoning is
chock-full of fine, serious musicianship
but a bit short on inspiration. But we reck-
on the awards will be rolling i

б

Which came first, the record ог the vid-
ео? In Ebn-Ozn's case, a weird, wonderful
video of AEIOU Sometimes Y led to a
hurriedly produced album, Feeling Cav-
alier (Elektra). 105 an audacious exer-
cise in orchestral synth, but AEIOU

m~~ TRUST US —_

HOT

In Performance at the Playboy Jazz
Festival (various artists)

Carla Bley / Heavy Heart

Vern Gosdin / There Is a Season

Missing Persons / Rhyme & Reason

Bruce Springsteen / Born in the U.S.A.

NOT
ABBA / Love ABBA

PLAYBOY

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© Loniiard, USA., 1984

32

FAST TRACKS

WR
PUT ON YOUR GLAD RAGS DEPARTMENT: Boy George is launching his own fashion
line, Common Currency, this summer in England. Do not expect a line of dresses to
be included. Said Boy recently, “Мо one laughs at priests because they wear dresses,

Their clothes are accepted. I'd like society eventually to accept the way | look.” T-shirts
will be the first order of business, and nothing will cost more than $35. Cheap chic, yes?

НЕ BOYS CAN'T HELP IT: Just one last
note regarding Boy George: He
turned down Michael Jackson's offer to
do a duet. “1 do admire Michael,” said
Boy, but explained that he doesn’t
want to work with anyone but Culture
Club—"I think we're the best band
around"—right now. Boy added that
when Jackson called, he didn't believe
it was really he; but since then, they've
spoken several times, discussing,
among other things, rumors that Jack-
son is a transvestite. “We both had a
good laugh about it,” Boy said.
REELING AND ROCKING: One of David
Bowie's upcoming film projects is
Poe, in which he'll co-star with Sean
Penn. . . . George Harrison's film compa-
ny plans to make three movies this
year: two comedies and one serious
film, the last directed by John Mac-
enzie, who made The Long Good Fri-
day... . Bette Midler has a couple of
films in the works, including My Gir-
dle Is Killing Me... . Nelson's
Red Headed Stranger is finally being
shot for HBO, with Willie and co-stars
Morgan Fairchild, Angie Dickinson and Rip
Torn. .. . Andy Warhol will direct his
first video for The Cars. . . . After such
movie success stories as Footloose and
Flashdance, which packed movie the-
aters with young audiences, Holly-
wood studios would like to hire more
госК stars to work on films but, said a
spokesman, “it’s tougher to make a
deal with a major music artist than it is
for a studio to sign Marlon Brando."
NEWSeREAKs. Sony Video software
has licensed five full-length concerts
and one music documentary from
МТУ for cassette release to the home-
video market. The musicians involved
аге Warren Zevon, Graham Parker, Split
Enz, Kansas, The Outlaws and Pete
Townshend. The videos are priced at

$29.95 each, except Townshend’s,
which sells for $19.95. You can get
them now. . . . John Denver says he's
going to be the first singer in the Chal-
lenger space shuttle. He also plans to
do a Broadway musical on the life of
Will Rogers. Denver always said he was
far out. . . . Have you seen Adam Ant
and Grace Jones in their Honda Scooter
commercial? That's far out, too. . . .
Legendary guitarist Duane Eddy hopes
to assemble an all-star band of guitar
players for his cable-TV special. “I'm
going to ask Lindsey Buckingham, Ry
Cooder, Albert Lee, Rick Springfield and
Tom Petty. It would be sort of a guitar
summit.” It looks like Nile Rodgers
has the inside track to produce Jagger's
solo album—that is, after Mick goes off
diaper duty. . . . The Everly Brothers"
American tour has just started up and
the LP will be released in the com-
ing weeks, with Dave Edmunds produc-
ing. . . . Look for Toto on tour in the
U.S. briefly this month before going to
Europe and Japan. Then expect a
much more extensive American tour in
the first part of 1985. ... We Coulda
Told Them This Ourselves Depart-
ment: The Recording Industry Asso-
ciation of America has confirmed that
prerecorded-cassette sales have finally
topped albums. . . . Dionne Warwick is
writing her autobiography, and she has
also turned down a $2,000,000 offer to
sing in South Africa. . . . After its five
years in development, you can finally
buy The Record Game, a board game
in which players compete in various
areas of the music business. It'll cost
you $44.95 for the pleasure. Kenny
Rogers is endorsing the game through
an agreement by which his name, logo
and photo will appear on the box and
in the ads. Naturally, the winner makes
the most money! — BARBARA NELLIS

Sometimes Y is the only cut you'll listen 10
twice. Pretension clangs through most of
the songs on Feeling Cavalier including
a cover of Rockin’ Robin, sung by Ozn,
doing an imitation of Black Sabbath’s Iron
Man—but there's some fun to be had on
side two, and Ozn is probably the best
white rap artist alive.

е.

Brother John (Palo Alto), drummer El-
vin Jones's second album for the label,
serves as a launching pad for tenor/sopra-
no saxophonist-composer Pat La Barbera.
Former featured soloist with the Buddy
Rich band and currently with Jones, La
Barbera writes and performs distinctively
and with unusual command. Inspired by
John Coltrane, he has managed to tran-
scend that giant's influence and offers
music that is both listenable and challeng-
ing. La Barbera is deftly supported by
Jones, always a source of force and sur-
prise, the highly creative bassist Reggie
Workman and pianist Kenny Kirkland,
another emerging major voice. This is an
important record.

е.

The good and unusual bring distinction
10 Singin’ till the Girls Come Home, a Colum-
bia Contemporary Masters Series vocal
collection. Tony Bennett turns up with а
small group of distinguished jazz musi-
cians headed by Stan Getz and makes а
striking impression. Carmen McRae and
Louis Armstrong combine to good effect
on two songs by Dave and Iola Brubeck.
Jon Hendricks with and without Lambert
and Ross, and Mose Allison give notable
performances on previously unreleased
material. Only an easily dismissed item by
the Gordons, an obscure vocal trio, lightly
mars an album worthy of your attention.

.

It was inevitable that tenor/soprano
saxophonist-composer Branford Marsalis,
older brother and musical side-kick of the
sensational Wynton, would have his own
album. Titled Scenes in the City (Colum-
bia), it showcases a promising musician
lacking only that edge of individuality and
that consistency provided by time and
experience. Even at this juncture, jazz fans
should pay attention. The elder Marsalis
sibling is imaginative and has a discern-
ible spark. He also has the help of a cast
of uplifting modern players—including
Charnett Moffett, an extraordinarily
poised 16-year-old bassist—who add sub-
stance to his album debut.

SHORT CUTS

Hank Williams, Jr. / Major Moves (War-
ner): Some interesting moves, from swing
to laments to blues, but nothing truly
major, except maybe for dedicated Bo-
cephus fans.

The Chi-Lites / Steppin’ Out (Private 1):
Weird electronic sounds seem to get in
the way, but that hasn't stopped others.
Vocals as great as on their hits of the
past Oh Girl and Have You Seen Her?

d ~

HOLD EVERYTHING!

JVC introduces the video camera with
a VHS tape deck built right in.

It's the biggest advance in movie-making since whole new kind of VHS—a special cassette that
the talkies. snaps into the back of the VideoMovie camera. With
JVC presents the VideoMovie—the first video the adapter, it can be played on any VHS-format
camera for home use that has its own VHS video VCR.
deck in one self-contained unit. Unlike other camcorder formats, VideoMovie
JVC's VideoMovie weighs only a fraction of can plug right into your TV set for playback without
conventional home video camera systems. There's any other equipment. We even give you the cable to
no bulky "straphanger" deck to lug around. And it's do it. And we're sure you'll find the picture quality

absolutely superb.

VideoMovie has instant replay through the eye-
piece, a fast (f1.2) lens for shooting in low light, a 6X
power zoom, macro capability, freeze frame, and on
and on.

Check outthe VideoMovie at your nearest JVC
dealer. We've put movie-making right in your hands.

so compact it fits easily under an airline seat, in a
suitcase or even a knapsack.
To make it all possible, JVC had to invent a

ERE.

INC COMPANY OF AMERICA, Consumer Video Divsion, 41 Sater Dova. Elmwood Part, N J 07407 JVC CANADA LTD , Scarborough Ont

Е Hunter took ап ах
And gave old Lizzie 40 whacks.
When Spiering saw what he had done,
He gave old Lizzie 41.

On August 4, 1892, in Fall River, Mas-
sachusetts, an unknown assailant took an
ax to Andrew and Abby Borden. Their
daughter Lizzie stood trial for the murders
and was acquitted—in part because the
weapon was never found and, when police
arrived, Lizzic was not covered with
blood. The trial seized the imagination of
America then and still has power today.
Evan Hunter treats the murder as Gothic
romance in Lizzie (Arbor Housc). He spec-
ulates that Lizzie was caught in the act of.
lesbian love with Maggie, the Irish
maid—who helped her dispose of the evi-
dence. Frank Spiering, a crime reporter,
gives us a fresh analysis of the murders in
the nonfiction Lizzie (Random House). He
bases his investigation on transcripts of
trial testimony, newspaper accounts, con-
temporary interviews and statements of
living witnesses. The result is compelling.
Spiering thinks that Lizzie’s sister Emma
(who stood to inherit the family fortune)
took the ax to her parents while Lizzie
watched. Toughlove in reverse.

.

What do the UN, the World Food Pro-
gram, the Red Cross, CARE, OXFAM,
Catholic Relief Services and the World
Council of Churches have in common?
"They all tried to go to Cambodia's aid
after the Pol Pot regime did its horrendous
tap dance on that country's soul and body.
William Shawcross writes about the
strange and bungling world of disaster
relief in The Quality of Mercy (Simon &
Schuster), describing the myriad ways in
which inertia, cowardice and bureaucracy
seem to go hand in hand with starvation
and mass executions. Shawcross (author
of Sideshow, the much-praised study of
America’s secret bombing of Cambodia in
the early Seventies) discusses at length
the question: How can or how should the
international community react in the face
of the knowledge that a government is
massacring its own people? As he points
out, they asked the same question at
Nuremberg. So far, nobody has answered
it satisfactorily.

.

Somebody is raping young women—the
same young women—again and again, on
different occasions. Somebody is hanging
female track stars from lampposts. Are
the crime sprees related? In Lightning
(Arbor House), the 38th of Ed McBain's
87th Precinct novels, it doesn’t matter.
McBain’s dialog is as crisp as ever, his
command of police procedure is astound-
ing and his tale rolls along like a black-
and-white on cruise control, but nearly
everything happens at random. The vil-
lains are random crazies. The women are

Two views of Lizzie's ax.

A few new whacks at Lizzie Bor-
den, plus nonfiction on
Nixon and murder Texas style.

Old Nixons never die.

random victims, described breasts-first in
true crime-fiction fashion. The two main
plots never intersect. Why? Because Light-
ning's another page-turner from McBain,
a.k.a. Evan Hunter, the purpose of which
is to get us to the last page, where we're
set up for the 39th 87th Precinct novel.
.

Robert Sam Anson has done the nation
а service with his Exile: The Unquiet Oblivi-
on of Richard M. Nixen (Simon & Schuster).
Painting a deep and rich portrait of the
complicated man most of us loved to hate,
Anson shows us a plucky, mean, difficult
Nixon, an elder statesman who can speak
eloquently (often on ТУ, profitably) about

history and politics in one breath—and
then withdraw a dinner invitation to
Diane Sawyer after she questions him
roughly during a CBS-TV interview. It's
all here, from Watergate on, and it’s good
reading, well balanced and fair.

.

"Going back to Dunetown," Federal
agent Jake Kilmer says in the opening line
of William Diehl's novel Heoligens (Vil-
lard), “was worsc than going to Vietnam.
I didn't know what was in store for me in
"Nam; I knew what was waiting in Dune-
town.” What was waiting in that marshy
south Georgia city, along with the Mafia
and Jake's long-lost love, was Dunetown's
Special Operations Branch, a ragged-look-
ing eight-man team of renegade cops and
turncoat criminals. It was the S.O.B.s vs.
the hoodlums when Jake got to town, with
neither side rejoicing at the sight of a Fed.
Diehl has written a whodunit delight.

е

Not many writers can assemble infor-
mation from many sources and weave it
into fast-paced, sure-footed nonfiction that
packs all the intensity and dramatic quali-
ties of a good novel. Gary Cartwright did
that quite well five years ago in Blood
Will Tell, his best seller about Fort
Worth's T. Cullen Davis murder mystery.
Now he bites off an even bigger chunk of
colorful Texas crime and depravity in
Dirty Dealing (Atheneum), taking the read-
er on a roller-coaster ride of big-time law-
yering, scamming, gambling, smuggling
and general misadventuring that deci-
mated El Paso’s Chagra family and killed
a Federal judge in the process. What we
have here is a hell of a story about drugs,
corruption and violence, told by a virtuoso
whose understated style effectively trans-
ports us from the safety of the printed
page to the places where evil dwells.

BOOK BAG

The Corporate Steeplechase (Facts on
File), by Forbes columnist Dr. Srully
Blotnick: A surprisingly readable business
book based on a 25-year study of 5000
Americans. You're sure to recognize the
foibles of your co-workers in the various
сазе studies. You may even spot your own
personality profile.

The Insider's Guide to the Top Ten Business
Schools (Little, Brown), edited by Tom
Fischgrund: Savvy, firsthand advice about
getting in, getting by, getting rich when
you get out.

Wits & Sages (Johns Hopkins), written
and illustrated by Neil A. Grauer: An
introduction to 12 of the sharpest minds in
journalism, Wits & Sages includes brief
personal histories, interviews and selected
writings of syndicated columnists ranging
from Buchwald and Bombeck to Bro-
der, Buckley, Royko and Will.

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By ASA BABER

You SEE THEM out there in all seasons:
men with binoculars and walking

sticks and bird books, looking соп

fused, able to chart only a few of the birds
that fly through the air and nest in the
trees, Why this male inability and uncer-
tainty? Because, until now, the Roger
Tory Petersons of the world simply have
not told the whole story. There are birds
out there that have never been classified
according to type, color, habits and
habitat.

Where in Audubon will you find the
deep-throated hummingbird, the slinky
beach skimmer, the liberated nest chuck-
er? Did Ranger Rick show kids his
sketches of the high-tech hawk? Where in
the Smithsonian will you find a model of
the thin-bellied iron pumper or, most lurid-
ly colored of all, the downy cock teaser?

"There has been a gigantic cover-up, you
sec. But that ends teday. The following
list is not complete, but it's а start. Take it
with you on your next bird-watching tour.
It may help. And don’t forget: Birds are
the only other two-legged creatures on
earth.

The downy cock teaser: Most prevalent
in the South but found in all states of the
Union; its call is a constant high-note
chirp (“No-no-no-no”); found at expen-
sive watering holes, the downy cock teaser
responds warmly to attention for a few
minutes, then suddenly turns cold and
hostile; it bathes only in private and is
rarely seen to mate, a fact that confounds
ornithologists; costly to feed, it will at first
titter on command, but if you try to pet it,
it will shrink silently into a corner; likes to
rub briefly against male trouser legs.

The deep-throated hummingbird: 'The
only bird that can feed and sing at the
same time, tremendously fast-tongued and
fast-winged, it is fond of flowers with
lerge stamens and has been known to fly
long distances to get to one; surprisingly
small considering its capacities, the deep-
throated hummingbird is considered а
treasure by most men; found usually in the
West and in the movies.

The corporate warbler: Inhabits cities,
usually skyscrapers; a relatively new bird
оп the scene, the corporate warbler hides
its bright feathers by piling them into a
bun at the crown of the head; colored and
marked like the penguin, the corporate
warbler appears formal at all times; i
call—"Bottom line? Bottom line?” —is
delivered in a firm, low voice that is pleas-
ing in a conference room; probably the
best fed of all the birds listed here, it none-

A FIELD GUIDE
TO THE BIRDS

“Where in Audubon will
you find the deep-throated
hummingbird, the slinky
beach skimmer, the
liberated nest спискег?”

theless stays slim by flying around and
around the same building every morning
and evening; the only bird with feet
shaped like Nikes.

The slinky beach skimmer: Found only
near tropical beaches or swimming pools,
this large-breasted bird, evenly tan in
color and glistening with oil, is not rated
very highly for its intelligence, but that is
probably an unfair judgment by the ex-
perts; the slinky beach skimmer, for exam-
ple, can find a rum drink in the dark, and
it is the most naturally rhythmical of all
the birds, always hopping and bopping to
its own internal sound system; the only
bird that can surf, by the way.

The hard-beaked ball buster: From the
same family as the liberated nest chucker,
the hard-beaked ball buster is one of the
more difficult birds to spot, since it can
take on the form and coloration of many
other birds as a disguise; it has even been
known to pose as the soft-soaping pleader,
and once, in Virginia, it appeared under
the cover of the perpetual mourning dove;
but nothing can remain hidden forever,
and it is the flight pattern of the hard-
beaked ball buster that gives it away:
Hawks circle, pigeons swoop, robins hop,

but the hard-beaked ball buster flies
crotch-high in concentric circles until it
finds its target, whoever he may be; usual-
ly found near divorce courts.

The scrumptious chickadee: Known in
bird-watching circles as a “ten out of ten,”
the scrumptious chickadee is clear-eyed,
smooth-featured, efficient and wary. It
possesses a sweet whistle, pleasing move-
ments, high intelligence, mobility and
sass. A bird that ages beautifully, it is
sometimes compared to the mythical phoe-
nix. The scrumptious chickadee leads a
somewhat hazardous life, for many a
hunter is after it, and even in migration it
can be a target, albeit illegally. This bird
often has a difficult time finding a mate,
but that doesn’t stop it from trying.

The thin-bellied iron pumper: This is
onc hell of a bird, only recently discovered;
fun to watch, dangerous to criticize, you
can bet that pound for pound the thin-
bellied iron pumper is the strongest and
toughest bird on the block, bar none.
You've heard of a covey of quail and a
pride of lions and а herd of elephants, but
have you heard of an exhibition of iron
pumpers? They are something to behold
as they fly in formation, each of them
hauling bar bells in mid-air, flexing their
wings and clenching their claws and often
shrieking in delight. Some experts argue
that the thin-bellied iron pumper is a ge-
netic mutant, a mistaken cross between the
radical wren and the Schwarzenegger ea-
gle, but who cares? It’s here to stay.

The radar-eyed gold digger: Some
people insist that this bird is extinct, but
it’s not; with plumage as bright as neon
and with an innate shrewdness that proves
Darwin was right, the radar-eyed gold
digger will perch on a man’s shoulder only
in certain seasons of his life—and rarely
when he really needs it; a highly de-
veloped sense of sight enables this bird
to see money wherever it is hidden, be it
in wallets or bank vaults, and for years
it has led the list of the world’s ten richest
birds; its mating call is something of a
hoot—“Whatareyouworth? Whatareyou-
worth?”—that deteriorates into a harsh
cackle if you answer falsely; the one thing
to remember in dealing with this particu-
lar bird is that the IRS does not permit
any legal deductions for its upkeep, nor is
depreciation allowed (though the bird
itself will tell you differently); found most-
ly in Connecticut, Palm Beach, Chicago’s
North Shore, Hollywood, the capitals of
Europe and Latin America and some
places we don’t even know about.

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4 Ai тт

By CYNTHIA HEIMEL

YOU KNOW HOW YOU, as a man, have occa-
sionally come upon a small group of wom-
en chattering in animated whispers that
immediately stop as you approach? What
do you think we're talking about? The
great sex we had last night? How we've
found an incredible laundry detergent that
has done wonders for Johnny’s old socks?
Meat-loaf recipes? Needlepoint futures?

Well, no, we're not. We're talking
gynecologists. We're all on this vast,
relentless, King Arthur-and-the-Holy
Grail search to find one. One who won't
diagnose an ovarian cyst as a tubal preg-
nancy. One who won't decide, in а mo-
ment of carefree bravado, to give us a
partial hysterectomy.

We all need a good gynecologist. In fact,
flip ahead to the centerfold of this maga-
zine. Pretty girl. Notice her snatch? Her
quim? Her love pocket? Her slit, cunt,
pussy? Yes, there it is, right where it
belongs: the divine triangle.

Inside those pearly nether lips, there
lurks a vastly complex and highly trained
assortment of reproductive apparatus—
apparatus that must be primed, tuned,
probed and monitored. In other words,
even Miss August must go to the gynie.

Know what happens when she does?
First he makes her wait. That is a rule,
and you're thrown out of the gynecolo-
gists’ union if you say, “Come right in,
madam," in less than 93 minutes. After
all, how important is a woman's time? So
Miss August cools her heels reading The
Happy Mommy Catalog or some such
until, as eventually as Godot comes, she is
led into a room. She undresses and puts on
a polyester robe whose ties at the back are
missing, then listens for 25 minutes to the
nurses talking to their boyfriends on near-
by telephones.

Enter Doc. He pulls down a roll of dis-
posable paper on his table; she lies on it
and crackles. He guides her feet into two
cold metal stirrups so she is on her back
and splayed, just like, as Joan Rivers says,
“а take-away chicken."

“Just relax,” Doc will tell our center-
fold, inserting a thick, cold metal specu-
lum into her love canal. “I’m just going to
cause a bit of discomfort, honey." Then, of
course, blinding pain. A Pap smear is tak-
еп to see whether or not she has cancer.
"The state of the ovaries and the cervix is
checked. The uterus is given a friendly
howdy. Her breasts are kneaded to detect
unpleasant cancerous lumps. Finally, Doc
pulls off his rubber glove with a healthy
snap and tells Miss August to dress and
meet him in his office.

Where he sits behind his massive desk,
grins and probably tells her that she has
trichomoniasis or nonspecific vaginitis or

GYNECOLOGY
IN ACTION

“We would ай go through it
calmly if only we could
be sure the gynecologist
we had chosen had all
his marbles.”

possibly a teensy yeast infection. Maybe
her cervix is eroded, oozing blood, and she
needs to be cauterized. Or maybe some-
thing in there looks funny and a biopsy is
indicated. It is always possible that she is
healthy. Such things have happened.

Then Miss August gets a prescription
for cream to squirt up herself every night
with the aid of a little plastic plunger that
never works. Or perhaps she needs sup-
positories that melt and break or refuse to
be unwrapped from their tin-foil cocoons.
Or, if she has trichomoniasis—a fun dis-
ease that makes you itch uncontrollably
and smell like a decomposing mackerel—
she is prescribed Flagyl, which gives many
of us headaches and diarrhea and costs a
small fortune.

This is all time-consuming, expensive
and unpleasant, yet we would go through
it calmly if only we could be sure the gyne-
cologist we had chosen had all his mar-
bles.

Take, if you can, Dr. О. Dr. O.’s зесге-
tary called me once, about three years ago,
and said, without resorting to tact, “You
have gonorrhea! You must take massive
doses of ampicillin immediately!”

1 was not pleased, since I hadn't had sex
in months and I was just on my way to
Los Angeles to visit my own true love,

who picked me up at the airport in a white
limousine stocked with roses and Wild
Turkey. When my own true love snuggled
up to me, slipped his hand under my skirt
and said, “Oh, darling, it’s been so long,”
Thad to pull his hand away and murmur,
“So sorry, my angel, but I seem to have
gonorrhea.” The night took a nose dive

Three days later, when I called the
gynie’s office to check in, the secretary
said, “So sorry, honey, but you don’t have
gonorrhea alter all. The tests were mis-
leading.” Misleading?

‘Then there was the guy who insisted on
painting my insides with gentian violet at
every available opportunity. Since it never
worked, I finally went to another guy,
who told me that nobody’s been painting
pussies with gentian violet since, say, 1910.

My friend Cleo was told by her doctor
that she was just being silly and hysterical
when she complained of pain; а few weeks
later, she was rushed to the hospital with
an ovarian cyst as big as a grapefruit (all
ovarian cysts are as big as grapefruits).
She developed peritonitis and came peril-
ously close to dying.

My friend Rose, after five miscarriages,
is again pregnant and is recuperating in
the hospital after having her cervix
stitched closed with what the doctor
quaintly called a *McDonald's tie.” This
is her fifth doctor. She's keeping her fin-
gers crossed.

And my poor friend Rita went to the
hospital at five лм. a few weeks ago in
incredible agony, and nobody knew why
A tubal pregnancy? A pelvic mass? Cysts?
Ruptures? She had been bleeding contin-
uously, so her last gynecologist had pre-
scribed high doses of hormones. Now this.
Her new doctor didn't understand this
hormone business and figured he'd better
operate. She wouldn't let him. She had her
entire network of friends do research to
find the absolutely ultimate gynecologist
in all the boroughs of New York and
called him in for consultation.

The ultimate gynecologist sat at his
massive desk and said to Rita, “Your last
doctor could not possibly have read your
records. It is clear to me that you have had
a recurrence of the pelvic inflammatory
disease that you contracted eight years
ago. 1 will give you antibiotics."

This is all very tiring. What makes it
also infuriating is the way most gynecolo-
gists pat us on the head and tell us not to
be hysterical, that they will take care of
everything. And then they don’t. If they
don’t respect our minds, can they think of
our insides as other than vaguely interest-
ing gadgets?

My latest doctor just called and told me
Thad a “borderline three” Pap test. I
know what that means. Do you?

39

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.
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you never expected. A drink that's‏ سے
unexpectedly smooth. Surprisingly light.‏ #
е Mixed or straight, you'll taste the‏
difference. Just be as smart‏ 2 +
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. 7“ Seagram's V.O. It's everything
е
з

THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR

Вата 20-year-old male, not so good-
looking and slightly overweight. I am
engaged to a very lovely and caring 21-
year-old who couldn't love me more. I love
her just as much, and our relationship is
fantastic. We've known each other for
more than a year, and through many long
talks we have learned almost everything
about each other's past.

Му problem 15 that 1 am a very jealous
person. My sex life before I met my
fiancée was mostly imaginary. She, on the
other hand, has had a fairly active sex life
since high school. She has told me about
her previous lovers and assures me that
she was never happy with any of them.
They were typical adolescent relation-
ships. I believe her, but that does not di
minish my very strong feelings of jealousy
toward her former men. It really tears me
up to think of someone else loving her. I
feel а: ап always in constant competi-
tion with them. There is nothing that she
does or says to make me feel this way; my
jealousy is all a product of my own insecu-
rities.

These feelings have never externalized
themselves. I keep them to myself, but
they play across my mind, and I'm
afraid that they may come out sometime
and 1 may say something to hurt her.

If you can help me in any way, I would
really appreciate it. This may just be
something that I have to grow out of —I'm
still a long way from being fully mature—
but I’m troubled. I’m open to any sugges-
tions you can offer. Thanks for listen-
ing.—D. H., Dallas, Texas.

What if your fiancée had told you noth-
ing of her pasi? Then you'd have nothing
to feel insecure about. She did you a favor
їп the name of honesty, and the least you
can do is accept her confessions and forget
about them. It is pointless to be jealous of
her past lovers, especially when your lady-
friend has gone out of her way to reassure
you that her past affairs were meaningless.
You should be thinking about the present
and the future. You're in her life now, and
that’s ай that should count. If your insecu-
rities are so strong that you don't feel wor-
thy of her, perhaps counseling can help.
Otherwise, it's up to you to get your act
together and enjoy what you have—or else
risk damaging it or losing il outright. The
choice is yours.

Мао of the VHS VCRs I have seen
have three speeds. My next-door neighbor
has such a VCR and he tells me he never
uses the first two speeds, preferring to tape
everything as slow as possible. He says the
picture quality is the same at all three. If
that is so, why are there three speeds?—
R. L., Las Vegas, Nevada.

Would you believe hill climbing? Prob-

ably not. The point of all those speeds is
simply to match the tape length to the pro-
gram you are taping, for rore economical
use of the tape. Many of the low-end VHS
VCRs that have three speeds do not allow
Jreeze-frame or slow motion in the middle
mode, usually called LP. The fastest mode,
SP—for standard play—gives the best pic-
ture and sound. With each step down, you
lose visual and audio quality. Flutter, for
instance, is more likely to occur in the
superlong play (SLP), also known as
extended play (EP), mode and the fre-
quency response may not be as good. In
other words, if you are taping а drama, you
can use any mode, bul if the program is
musical, you are better off letting the VCR
clip along at its top speed.

Lately, I've noticed that many girls don’t
like to give out their phone number.
‘They'd rather you give them yours so they
can call you. I can understand that. But
when the time comes to do it, there's
always a lot of fumbling for a pen or
a pencil to write down the number. Га
like to give girls my card, but I suspect
that might be considered a little formal,
if not downright stuffy. What do you
say?—M. P., Boston, Massachusetts.
While we've run across the "Don't call
me, ГИ call you" routine more times than
we'd like to admit, it’s not always а brush-
off. But just in case it is, the proffering of a
handsome card could make a woman think
a bit. Of course, we are not suggesting that
you give her your business card. Save that
for conventions. Have a card made just for
social occasions. It should include your

пате and phone numbers for office and
home. Your address isn’t necessary unless
you want to include it. Formal or not, your
personal card will make an impression.
Certainly, an engraved card is harder to
throw away than a scrap of paper. And
you may even find that you'll get one back
from the lady.

BBecause I work in a place where others
are dose by, I like to use my personal
stereo so they won't be disturbed. Besides,
Рт a New Wave fan, and the people I
work with can't stand that kind of music.
People have told me that playing loud
music can damage my hearing. I notice no
hearing loss, and it seems to me that if the
stereo. were harmful, the manufacturer
wouldn't put it on the market. What do
you say?—R. P., Detroit, Michigan.

We wouldn't trust our hearing to some
Government regulation agency, and you
shouldn't, either. There are a lol of things
on the market that are harmless if used
with care but devastating if used carelessly.
Personal stereos are one such category.
Most people play them loudly; some
people play them at high volume to mask
other loud noises, of which there are many
in today’s world. According to the Occupa-
tional Safety and Health Administration,
the loudest average noise level legally per-
missible in the workplace over an eight-
hour period is one of 90 decibels. A study a
few years ago showed that most people
were playing their stereos at levels around
120 decibels. That is enough lo damage
hearing if the level is maintained for sev-
eral hours at a time. Audiologists recom-
mend a level somewhere around one third
gain on any personal stereo. You're lucky if
your hearing hasn't been affected yet. But
remember that hearing loss can be cumu-
lative. A little here and a little there and
soon you шоп”! be able to hear chamber
music, much less New Wave.

В noticed a leuer in a recent Playboy
Advisor from a woman who comes very
close to orgasm during exercise. 1, 100,
become wildly turned on by prolonged
strenuous exercise. A little history may be
in order. During high school, I was quite
the female jock and got into heavy weight
training. In college, I was not into organ-
ized sports, but I did work out fairly regu-
larly. After college, I became much less
active and as a result began putting a lot of
weight onto what had been a solid, muscu-
lar, strong body. I finally reached an
unacceptable weight and got back to
working with heavy weights and got back
to being solid again. I am built a little
strangely—from the waist up, like а
slightly overdeveloped gymnast, but from
the waist down, like an overdeveloped

41

PLAYBOY

42

power lifter. I have huge, exceptionally
muscular legs.

While I am working with weights, par-
ticularly during a heavy workout, the
longer I go and the more I have to really
grind it out, the more turned on I become.
My body is hot, the muscles are straining,
the sweat is flowing and the passion is
growing. The guy I go with, Jeff, says
making love to me is like making it with a
bucking bronco, because I am very active.
Last summer, he and I got back to my
place one night and got into a friendly
tussle by the car. Quite by accident (we
always discover fantastic things by acci-
dent), Jeff ended up with his arms across
my shoulders and his legs wrapped
around my waist. I decided to carry him
(he weighs 187 pounds) up to my apart-
ment. It was maybe 30 yards to the build-
ing, then up one flight of steps, which
really felt good, then to my door. I was
very reluctantly about to let him get off
when—wonder of wonders— 1 felt him big
and solid and hard against my back. I was
almost afraid to ask, but when I did ask
him if having me carry him pickaback
turned him on, he said it was fantastic and
a real turn-on for him. He said that the
feel of my strong body working under him
was incredible, but I must be all but
exhausted and he had better get off. I let
him off only long enough for us to get our
clothes off; then, with no urging at all on
my part, he got back on and 1 carried him
up and down the length of my apartment
until we were both so turned on, we
almost attacked each other. So my turn-on
with prolonged strenuous exertion and
Је turn-on with the feel of my body as 1
carry him are fantastic.—Miss J. S., Ann
Arbor, Michigan.

Thanks. We're changing apartments
soon and we need someone to help us
move. Er...

П drive my jeep to some wild places where
gas stations are few and far between. I am
hesitant to carry one of those metal gallon
cans with gas in it, because Гус heard they
can explode. I live in a city, so there's no
point in keeping an outboard can; my gas
would be fueling every stolen moped in
town. Are gas containers as dangerous as
Гуе been led to believe? Do you have any
suggestions?—M. P., Chicago, Illinois.
Let's get the disclaimer out of the way
first: We do not recommend that you carry
gasoline in a container inside your car.
There are, however, times when you will
have to carry gas—in the circumstances
you mention, to power lawn mowers or to
rescue a friend stalled оп the highway. The
standard red gasoline can with yellow let-
tering is the preferred container, since it’s
vapor-tight. And it’s the vapors. that you
have to worry about. To cause an explo-
sion, they or the liquid would have to be
ignited by a spark or fire. Gasoline will not
combust spontaneously. As the tempera-
ture goes up, the vapors increase. If they
are expelled in a closed car, you unll be

driving a bomb, You do have a warning
built in. Before you hear the explosion, you
will smell the fumes. That means ventilate
fast. П takes a concentration of four to sev-
en percent to make a combustible air-gas
mixture. You should keep the can filled to
capacity; otherwise, you allow room for
fumes to develop and emerge when you
open the can. Naturally, there must be
absolutely no smoking or use of fire, light-
ers or matches by anyone in the car. Final-
ly, if you intend to do a lot of long-range
driving in your jeep, you should have an
auxiliary gas tank built into your vehicle.
That’s the only really safe way to transport
extra fuel.

This is something that has been gnawing
at me for some time. With the right
woman, I love giving head—even more
than I do getting it. Most of my lovers
nearly always reach orgasm through oral
sex, and while they reciprocate, they don’t
seem to have the passion for, or the knowl-
edge of, the act that I do. The result is that
while many women have gone down on
me, I have never in my 33 years on this
planet had an orgasm that way! I am
beginning to feel a bit cheated. Is there
something wrong with me because I enjoy
giving head more than getting it? _M. H.,
Los Angeles, California.

If you've reached orgasm in other ways,
you obviously don't have a physiological
problem. It could be that you've never
received friction to bring you to orgasm, or
perhaps you hold back for some psycholog-
ical reason. There is nothing wrong with
enjoying gwing more than receiving,
though it’s unfortunate that your experi-
ences have left you feeling that way for the
wrong reason. If you're dissatisfied with
what you've received, you should be offer-
ing suggestions lo your partners as to what
pleases you. Try lending a helping handor
maybe even а vibrator. Try switching to
oral sex at the height of intercourse. Once
you have one this way, a second orgasm
Should come easily.

ММ ben 1 get my two weeks off this year,
I'd like to go down to Mexico or maybe
even to Europe; Гуе never really experi-
enced a different culture firsthand. My
problem is that I don’t speak any foreign
language. My friends have told me not to
worry, that there will always be someone
around who can speak English. Is that
true? If not, how much of a language do I
need to know to get around?—R. D.,
De Kalb, Illinois.

Being at а loss for words can be as frus-
trating in а foreign country as it is in this
country. While it is no doubt possible to
traverse the globe using hand signals and
pictures drawn in the dust, it’s not likely to
be a very illuminating experience. Like-
vise, trying to find the English translator.
in a small village at three ^M. to have the
scorpions removed from your quarters
could spoil an otherwise perfect evening. If
you stick to the rain tourist destinations,

chances are you won't require much more
than a few words or phrases, some of which
you can find in various phrase books and
‘some of which you will pick up there. The
phrase books seldom offer instructions for
the romantically inclined. But the nice
thing about languages is that they overlap
at points. Learning a new one or, at least,
moving out of the phrase-book stage may
not be so difficult. We think it'll help make
your adventure memorable.

ША тарьсан: 40 and à дерп шаг.
riage, I want to share some lessons that I
learned the hard way and that bear rele-
vance to questions raised recently in The
Playboy Advisor on premature ejaculation
and clitoral stimulation. While married, I
had premature-ejaculation problems and 1
felt that this was a major factor in my
wife’s being nonorgasmic. She had less
interest in sex than I, and it seemed that we
both accepted the fact that our life in bed
would always be a less-than-happy com-
promise. Poor communication permeated
other aspects of our relationship, however,
and after six years, we separated. My cur-
rent girlfriend is also divorced. Her hus-
band was able to bring her to orgasm in
the missionary position. That ability had
to do with his pelvic musculature—which
1 certainly do not share! We worked out
a simple system that has proved to be
very successful for us. In our favorite po-
sition, she lies on her back and I lie on my
left side, to her right. Her right leg is over
my hips and my legs straddle her left leg.
This is a very relaxed position for both,
and entry is achieved much more easily
than in the missionary position, for in-
stance. The most important aspect of our
system is that while we make love, she
masturbates. She takes charge of her own
orgasm and leaves me to concentrate on
keeping things under control until the
appropriate moment. In fact, at least 80
percent of our orgasms are simultaneous,
in spite of the fact that she is relatively
slow to climax. Her masturbating also
serves to turn us both on; but, most impor-
tant, 1 do not have the extra responsibility
of bringing her to a climax while control-
ling my own. With the pressure off, the
premature-cjaculation problem disap-
peared literally overnight! When I think
back to how I used to feel in those bad old
days, I can scarcely believe that it is the
same man now enjoying a wonderful sex
life.—R. J., Rochester, New York.
Thanks for sharing these insights.

All reasonable questions—from fashion,
food anddrink, stereo and sports cars to dating
problems, taste and etiquette —uall be person-
ally answered ifthe writer includes a stamped,
self-addressed envelope. Sendall letters to The
Playboy Advisor, Playboy Building, 919 N.
Michigan Avenue, Chicago, Illinois 60611
The тоз! provocative, pertinent queries
will be presented on these pages each month.

DEAR PLAYMATES

Не sons tad enough of the Alan.
Alda type, or has it become the model for
what women really want? Or is the whole
issue just another example of media hype?
We wanted to know what our Playmate
advisors had to say about this subject.

‘The question for the month:

Do women really want to be with
sensitive, unaggressive men?

Hao. 1 tike shy men. They give you a lot to
think about. I think aggressive men seem
wo be hiding
something, and
that’s why they
put up a shield
of words and
actions. Sensi-
tive men are
more open and
honest. I'm at-
acted to a
man who wants
10 get to know
me better, who
is not trying to
put the make on me, who doesn’t have a
harsh approach. Ifa man hides his sensi-
tivity from you, you don't really get to
know him very well.

par fet

ALANA SOARES

Vo all for a sensitive, gentle guy, but once
in a while, I need some excitement.
Aggressive
guys fun,
and they're a
challenge to
me. Thats the
guy who takes a
step beyond the
expected. So
l ask myself,
“Can I handle
a person that
strong? Will 1
give in too
much? m
supersensitive. I'm the one who usually
gives in. The challenge for me is, can Î
stand up to a strong vill and not get hurt?

س

BARBARA EDWARDS
SEPTEMBER 1944

are

Р... of hat que I
think women want sensitive and aggres-
sive men. By aggressive, І mean. bold,
honest and direct. Don't beat around the
bush. If it's sex you want, tell me it's sex
you want |f
it's lunch, let's
have lunch. But
don't lie to me,
lead me on or
give me false
hopes. 1 also
want a man
who is going to
be my friend,
who has com-
passion, who is
willing to build
a relationship
slowly bv laying a foundation. To me,
that’s a sensitive m Гус said before
in this column, it all begins with friend-
ship, with conversation
formation. I think talk will take off a
lot more clothes than force or pressure
ever will.

a hype. 1

[)
Rov VOU Mun Xt Lo.

LORRAINE MICHAELS.
APRIL 198)

Women want sensitive men, but I think
they also want aggressive men. At least I
do. | want a man who is aggressive about
his goals in life, who is sexually aggressive
I feel that his energy will rub off оп me
But I love
sensitivity
in a man, too.
How can a
woman com-
municate with
a man who isn’t
concerned with

her feelings? 1
want a man
who шашу 10

talk to me, who
wouldn't give
up trying to
talk to me, even if I were in a bad mood.
That's the kind of person | try to be
n a relationship, and I expect to get it
in retur

SUSIE SCOTT
MAY 1983

Togay; wonin do want a sen:
think there has been a big shift in
tudes. If both partners are aggressive, the
mix is too strong for a relationship to last.

Now, my ,
own li In 8
with the best |
man in thc

world. We both |
play off being
the stronger
force. 1 don't
mean we take
turns; it’s more
whoever feels
like it at the
time. When we
met, he wasnt
threatened or put off by my

man I like.

LAU VB

VERONICA GAMBA
NOVEMBER 1983

[| think that when most men talk about
being sexually aggressive, what they mean
is that they
want to be bet-
ter lovers. Most
women want
men to be bet-
ter lovers, 100;
only to them,
that means be-
ing а more
sensitive lover.
As for me, the
word aggres-
sive ha very
sexual mean-
„ва personality trait, not a physical
one. It does not mean the use of force. On
the other hand, sensitive does not mean
passive. It means sensitive £o the other per-
son, I find both of those words just fine by
my definition of them.

p A
A
TRACY VAGI

остов

АКО
ск 1983

Send your questions to Dear Playmates,
Playboy Building, 919 North Michigan Ave-
nue, Chicago, Illinois 60611. We won't be
able to answer every question, but we'll try.

43

*

Frrresh. Naturally more delicious —'cause you make it yourself: with an ойпсе
of Kahlua and four ounces of cream, or milk, over ice. Fabulous, right? Because only Kahlua
tastes like Kahlua. Our recipe book tells all. Do send for it. Our treat, Кай! а, Dept. Е,
P.O. Box 8925, Universal City, CA 91608. Pssst: Кана is beautiful to enjoy. . beautiful to give}
If you'd like extra recipe books to give with it, we'll be happy to oblige.
©1983 Каншаг 53 Proof. Maidstone Wine & Spirits Inc., Universal City, CA

THE PLAYBOY FORUM

a continuing dialog on contemporary issues between playboy and its readers

AN ANDY WILLIAMS RESPONDS

In the February Playboy Forum, a New
York gentleman named Andy Williams
has some harsh words to say about waste-
management problems and suggests,
among other things, that industrial pollut-
ers be required to sip from jiggers of their
own effluents, In the May Forum, а
Brush, Colorado, gentleman named Dan
Ingmire takes issue with New York's Wil-
liams on a number of points and calls him
a jerk. 1 happen to be Andy Williams the
singer, who is not involved in this interest-
ing exchange and, in any case, does not
wish to be confused with Andy Williams
the alleged jerk. I don't have a copyright
on the name.

Andy Williams
Beverly Hills, California

Ah, you're the other Andy Williams

Good to hear from you

ZERO TOLERANCE

‘The urinalysis test for detecting illegal
drug use is becoming a popular method for
enforcing the zero-tolerance policy, but to
say that such a policy is cost effective is
ludicrous. The computer industry in Cali-
fornia’s Silicon Valley is currently using
that test to track down criminals who
(ssh!) smoke marijuana, at about $15 a
test. Гуе heard that our “cost-conscious”
military is spending approximately $150 a
test, with the goal of submitting every per-
son serving in our Armed Forces to Project
Golden Flow; personnel coming back
from liberty are especially targeted. Who
wants a sailor, Marine, airman or soldier
to enjoy himself while on leave?

Project Golden Flow is an example of
the dear-bought military expenses for
which U.S. taxpayers are paying. Screw-
drivers for aircraft fuselages are going for
the same price! Can these “morality en-
forcers” call this cost effective? Sounds
like a financial report from the Acme
School of Creative Accounting.

Malcolm С. Мау ш
San Francisco, California

PORN AND VIOLENCE

"The Air Force base to which I am cur-
rently assigned recently contracted with a
local cable company to provide cable-TV
service for the members of the base. One of
the stipulations of the contract, much to
our chagrin, was that The Pleasure Chan-
nel and The Playboy Channel not be pro-
vided to anyone on base,

А local publication that carries base
news runs a section in which readers may
air whatever is on their minds. After

receiving numerous complaints by mem-
bers of the base’s population about not
being able to receive those channels, our
wing commander replied in this section
that he had made the decision not to allow
erotic video not because he was dictating
morality but because it was a matter of
practicality. He said that he had based his
decision on many police reports that
linked incidence of sexual crimes with the
viewing of pornographic materials.

lam a subscriber to the new cable serv-
ice. It is a vast improvement over the

“Т have never heard

that pornography has

been linked to a rise
in sex crimes."

service we had before. I get The Pleasure
Channel and The Playboy Channel in
scrambled form and can discern most of
what is going on. It leaves a lot to the
imagination, though, which may be better
(or worse, depending on how you look at
it) than an unscrambled picture. Addition-
ally, the base exchange sells adult maga-
zines. Furthermore, I have never heard
that pornography has been linked to a rise
in sex crimes.

1 believe that this is an instance of one

individual’s abuse of his position to impose
his morality on those under him and sup-
press what little freedom of choice remains
for those of us who would fight to uphold
those liberties.

For the record, 1 would like to say that
we in the Armed Forces are bound by law
to obey the orders of those above us and
that we will continue to do so. It just seems
unfair that our constitutional rights are so
blatantly disregarded when it is we who
will, in the end, defend those rights.

(Name withheld by request)
Homestead AFB, Florida

Some recent studies have attempled to
link sexual violence and violent pornogra-
phy, and we're not sure but that there
‘may, in fact, be a connection. We deplore
both bul also oppose censorship and don’t
believe there’s any simple cause-and-effect
relationship such as the enemies of pornog-
raphy would like to establish. (See “View=
point,” page 51.) We believe that any
social harm derives from depictions not of
sexual activity as such but of violence in
the context of sexual activity, which sure
enough might give some people the wrong
idea of what lovemaking is all about. We'll
be dealing with this subject regularly in
the months to come.

CHURCH AND STATE

The chutzpah of the Reverend Jerry
Falwell, that he should flash more of his
tête-à-tête with President Ronald Reagan
over e-time TV! Will we be hearing
wedding bells next?

Sure, the public forum is essential to the
health of our relatively free society. But
where is the touted separation of church
and state? Hey, it’s bucks for Jerry—votes
for Ronnie!

And, sure, the virtually untaxed Fal-
well has а right to force-feed a few
teurized minds; but the verbiage and this
romance with the electric general. proba-
bly turns many more stomachs. It’s poetic
that Falwell is the same plump-faced
preacher who converted Lynchburg, Vir-
giniz's, Donald Duck Bottling Company
into a Baptist church. And, since he
appears to be a quack, we can essentially
appreciate the news that Falwell is regis-
tering voters from his obedient flock.

However, due to the Orwellian reach of
Falwell's political right arm, the less oral
majority of Americans had better sit up
and watch the bears dance. We're still free
to be involved with this year’s election
process. We can urge others to register
(without telling 'em how to vote!).

Could be we suffer from traditional

45

PLAYBOY

“polapathy”; maybe it’s just a deficiency
of multiple-mineral amino-acid chelates
in us, for the U.S. has its fill of “rubber-
stamp politicians," and 45 billion ham-
burgers have been sold. We try to digest
the tasteless Quarter Pounders. The rub-
ber stampers we swallow with a gram of
megamultivitamins. Many refuse to regis-
ter or vote. It's American bill of fare and
may be the nature of the beast political.
But can we ignore the phenomenon of
Ronnie and Jerry's kids?

Ronnie and Jerry's kids are the first
offspring of this seedy romance between
church and state. Try to guess whom
they'll vote for this year!

Of course, rubber-stamp poli
have been around as long as poli
But—gadzooks!—here come the rubber-
stamp voters! Whom will they favor— Jer-
ry or Ronnic? Will anyone be able to tell
the difference? Who cares?

Bon appétit, America. Let's get off our
heinies and register—get active—before
church and state tie the knot!

Frank Batey
Palm Springs, California

GOING, GOING, GONE?

Not long after the news came out that
the U.S. had been mining the ports of
Nicaragua, I found the enclosed sheet
music in an antiques shop, and it
prompted such а terrible feeling of déjà
vu that I thought Га send it to PLAYBOY.
America, Here's My Boy appeared during
World War One and, in proper patriotic
fashion, features a mother offering up her
son to go and fight; i.e., the song uses the
mother-son relationship to promote the

NTIMENT O" EVERY A 4

AMERIC
HERE'S MY BOY

Aive Stu ARTHUR LANGE

aenga

supply of cannon fodder to the trenches of
France, Germany, Austria, et al.

The song reminded me of the lengths to
which even our own Government ard its
chauvinist supporters will go to convince
the people of America approximately
every ten years that one of the duties and
obligations of the U.S. male is to go kill

somebody, ог get killed, on behalf of what
the current crop of politicians defines as
the national interest. In World War One,
it was the interests of the great banking
and financial cartels and the divvying up
of the emerging industrial world. World
War Two provided its own reasons, not
all having to do with Hitler’s Nazis, as did
Korea and then Vietnam. Which genera-
tion of this century has missed the op-
portunity to die or kill for Mom and
country?

After Vietnam, which ground up my
generation, it seemed as if the horror of
war might be restrained by our own sense
of loss and perhaps even by a little wisdom
in Washington. Not so. Pressed by the
domestic backlash of its fiscal terrorism in
the U.S., the Reagan Administration has
been looking for four years for a way to
rally voters back to the polls in time for
re-election. The Carter fiasco in Iran
stands as an object lesson to the Adminis-
tration: Not just any old intervention will
do; it has to be one with a quick and pre-
dictable victory.

So the patriotic offspring of America
had better start learning Spanish, because
that’s what they'll need where they're
headed. The infusion of U.S. troops,
weapons, spy apparatus, paid assassins,
mercenaries, economic and political-desta-
bilization efforts into Central America
since 1980 is none the less odious for
being so blatant. Reagan, Caspar Wein-
berger, Jeane Kirkpatrick and others in
Washington intend to have their way in El
Salvador and Nicaragua, just as they have
gotten used to having it in Honduras,
Guatemala, et al—and in Chile, of
course, back in 1973, when President Nix-
оп paved the way for Reagan. Thousands
of US. Marine, Army, Navy and Air
Force personnel are, and have been, train-
ing across Gentral America, preparing not
only to help contras (i.e. mercenaries)
harass the Sandinistas and turn El Salva-
dor into a hell on the Southeast Asian
model but to actually be prepared for a
direct U.S. involvement. In Central Amer-
ica, that event is taken almost as a given:
The question is not “Will the U.S.
invade?” but “When and how will we
deal with it?”

Reagan blundered in laying the Nicara-
guan mines by offending Congress, some-
what slowing his war-’84 drive but not
stopping it. Mining a sovereign power's
harbor is an act of war in itself—exactly
the kind of intervention Reagan says the
Cubans practice. It’s all a kind of mad-
ness, just like the public-relations ground-
work that was laid for pulling
us into Vietnam. Central America will
be the same kind of quagmire, jungles
and all.

But, at least, if we go again, we don’t
have 10 write а new song. I think the one
from World War One still preity much
catches the spirit.

Harwell V. Н. Anderson
New York, New York

WAR: FACT OR FICTION?

Richard 5. Ovinnikov, Soviet ambassa-
dor to the UN, recently stated that “we
have all started on a new spiral of mad-
ness.” And that is putting it mildly. There
can be no winners in a nuclear-arms race.
Provoked by fear, both sides continue to
run blindly toward the finish line, while
we in the stands grow hoarse trying to stop
them.

Back home, we take solace, searching
the TV screen for some signs of peace. But
all we see are signs of war, a stage set
waiting for some action. It is a play with
two directors, each one with his own inter-
pretation. It isa very long short story writ-
ten by different hands, each one holding a
different truth.

As this new year unfolds, it is this writ-
er's hope that we may all be around to
read the final resolution to this hideous
fiction of war.

THE FICTION OF WAR

Nothing here
is real.
A setting,
some people,
a bit of conflict
and suspense.
Go ahead,
read them alive.
They speak, move,
grow old and die.
And и is over,
like life, only
nothing here
stays buried.

Charles Ghigna
Poet-in-Residence

Alabama School of Fine Arts
Birmingham, Alabama

GETTING AHEAD

This is in response to Robb Santoyana’s
leuer on value systems in the April
Playboy Forum. He is correct in stating.
that shared value systems allow for tran-
quillity, respect and a certain amount of.
bonding between neighbors of different
ethnic backgrounds, especially in Ameri-
ca. As а 40-year-old father of four, an
attorney, a social worker and a musician, 1
can attest to that. But, to carry the inquiry
further, we have serious and apparently
dedicated social revolutionaries in this
country intent upon eradicating the pres-
ent system and/or establishing a separate
black nation in the Southern United
States. One such group is the Republic of
New Africa. Its intentions and moral aspi-
rations appear to be no more absurd than
those of the 17th Century American colo-
nialists. Its members are apparently intel-
ligent, cut their grass, pay their bills, etc.,
but they do not share the prejudices
against “assholes” of their white counter-
parts. These revolutionary Afro-Ameri-
cans tend to see “niggers” as victims of 2
corrupt system rather than as just so much
riffraff, as whites view their “white trash”

FORUM NEWSFRONT

what's happening in the sexual and social arenas

WAGES OF SIN
TULSA—A county jury has awarded
$390,000 in damages to a member of
the Collinsville Church of Christ who
was publicly denounced for what the
church called the “sin of fornication.”
The plaintiff, a 36-year-old divorced

registered nurse and the mother of four,
admitted to having had an affair with a
former mayor of the small community
but refused to repent publicly on the
ground that that would be hypocritical
and “piling one sin on top of another.”
When her fornication was announced
to the congregation, she slapped the
church and three of its elders with a suit
for invasion of privacy. The elders
argued that it was their “sacred duty to
watch over members of the flock” and
that it was only their concern for “her
soul’s condition” that compelled them
to act. An attorney for the church said

the verdict would be appealed.
LIVING IN SIN
DOVER, DELAWARE—The Delaware
Supreme Court has affirmed a

$400,000 judgment awarded to a Sus-
sex County woman who claimed that
she had been tricked into believing
that she was legally married for 20
years. The 55-year-old woman said her
supposed husband told her he was
divorced when she met him in 1958,
helped her obtain what she thought
were divorce papers from her former
spouse and arranged for their own mar-
riage, which was conducted, it turned
out, by a phony priest and witnesses.
She said she didn’t learn the truth until
the man left her in 1978, by which time
the couple had had two sons.

GAY MUST GO

LOS ANGELES—Sergeant Perry Wat-
kins, who declared that he was a homo-
sexual at the time he was drafted in
1967, may have lost his battle to stay in
the Army. Despite what the justices
called ап exemplary Service record, he
was refused re-enlistment in 1982 after
а change in regulations mandated the
discharge of avowed homosexuals. At
that time, he obtained a Federal-court
injunction reinstating him but with the
understanding that his continued serv-
ice was contingent on the outcome of
the Атту appeal. The U.S. Ninth
Circuit Court of Appeals upheld the
military, declaring that unless such
regulations are “repugnant” to the U.S.
Constitution or to statutory law, civil-
tan courts have only limited power to
intercede, because “judges are not giv-
en the task of running the Army.” In a
reluctantly concurring opinion, one of
the justices protested that “our nation
has lost a fine soldier, and Sergeant
Watkins has suffered а manifest injus-
tice” but agreed that the judicial panel
was bound by a previous similar deci-
sion in the Ninth Circuit concerning

the Navy.

JURY DUTY

MONTGOMERY COUNTY, MARYLAND—A
county judge disqualified a 62-year-old
scientist for jury duty after the man
admitted, with some embarrassment,
that the blonde woman prosecutor in
the case turned him on. “I apologize. . .
but I find her extremely attractive sex-
ually,” he said after being allowed to
approach the bench. “Г can handle that
intellectually, but I don’t know whether
1 would be inclined to give her case
greater credit for it or have resentment
for having to handle it.” The judge,
noting that the woman prosecutor was
turning “beet red,” sent the prospective
juror back for possible selection in
another trial.

SELLING SALVATION

CLEVELAND—Faithful viewers of reli-
gious television programs are exposed
10 an average of more than $138,350 a
year in requests for funds, according to
а study at Cleveland State University.
Communications professors Robert L.
Abelman and Kimberly A. Neuendorf
extrapolated that figure after watching
three episodes each of 27 different reli-
gious programs and assuming that reg-
ular viewers watched only two hours a

day, which they said was a conservative
estimate. They reported that the aver-
age cost of a Bible sold through such
shows was $192.

ABORTION BENEFITS

NEW YORK crry—Legal abortions
saved about 1500 women from preg-
nancy-related deaths over the past ten
years and probably prevented the births
of thousands of infants with serious
defects, according to a research director
for the Population Council. Writing in
Family Planning Perspectives, the late
Dr. Christopher Tietze reported that
“the number of life-threatening but not
fatal (pregnancy) complications averted
probably reached several tens of thou-

sands."

“NORMAL” POT SMOKING

cHICAGO— Marijuana smoking is
now normal behavior among young
Americans, with its use peaking be-
tween the ages of 20 and 22 and de-
clining after the age of 25, according
to research reported in the American
Medical Association’s Archives of Gen-
eral Psychiatry. At the same time, a
Government-sponsored survey of high
school seniors conducted by the Univer-
sity of Michigan found that daily pot
smoking had declined from a high of
nearly 11 percent in 1978 to 5.5 per-
cent in 1983. Both studies found a gen-

eral downturn in drug use in recent
years and a greater concern over the
possibility of harm resulting from regu-
lar use. The Michigan study found,
contrary to earlier suspicions, that teen-
agers were not simply switching from
illicit drugs to alcohol.

47

PLAYBOY

brethren. The answer lies in the injustices
of what Santayana refers to as the distanc-
ing ability that whites possess. Blacks,
being in the minority and being highly
visible, are more likely to be lumped into
one large class. To many whites, we are
all simply niggers.

The question is whether the “niggers”
and the “white wash” can become produc-
tive in this country once social injustices
are removed. I doubt it sincerely, given the
widespread delusion many have that social
injustice bears all blame for personal fail-
ure. I have come to the conclusion that
only my inadequacies as a man can keep
me from accomplishing what I desire,
even in the face of social injustice. The
sooner we all—blacks, whites, et al.—

accept the principle of social as well as
individual responsibility, the better off we
as Americans and the world will be; but
some, in free and totalitarian societies
alike, will never accept that principle.
Melvin Turner
Attorney at Law
Detroit, Michigan

UNDEVELOPED OPTION

Shame on Dr. Horace Naismith (The
Playboy Forum, March)! Either he slept
through embryology or he made no serious
effort to answer Edwin L. Tice's simple
question Why do males have nipples if
they are not intended to suckle babies?
The answer is, of course, efficiency, econ-

‘The Government
of the United States
never looks so fool-
ish as when it takes
it upon itself to
attack “obscenity”
and proceeds to drag
our courts through
the embarrassment
of being a party to
such a stupid en-
deavor А recent
case in point is U.S.
us. Vartous Articles
of Obscene Mer-
chandise, decided
last year by the U.S.
Court of Appeals
for the Second Circuit. Think of the
image the case evokes: the forces of the
United States arrayed against a menac-
ing army of Swedish sexual ap-
pliances

The case was mainly about some
video cassettes bearing such well-
known titles аз Debbie Does Dallas,
Behind the Green Door and Flesh Gor-
don. The Feds decided to spend mucho
thousands of your tax dollars and mine
to seize and declare contraband these
dubious exercises in freedom of expres-
sion lest they corrupt the morals of the
citizens of New York City.

(Laughter is acceptable at this time.
Thank you.)

Even the courts find it hard to write
about these issues with a straight face.
In U.S. vs. Obscene Merchandise, the
appeals court remarked on the "du-
bious assumption that the triers of fact
[the jury or, in this case, the trial judge]
have their fingers on the pornographic
pulse of the community." The appeals
court neglected to advise us where to
put one's fingers to take the porno-
graphic pulse

What cost the Government its case

VIVID VIDEO

By Louis F. Linden

was its failure to put.
forth any evidence
of the community
standards that the
tapes were alleged
to violate. The pros-
ecutors had counted
on the trial court

judge’s personal
judgment that com-
munity standards

would be those of a
little old lady Iowa
schoolteacher іп
1890. They guessed
wrong. The trial
judge noted that its
"widespread avail-
ability" suggested that а great many
people in New York spend a great deal
of money on just such material. He
even noted that B. F. Skinner, the noted
behavioral psychologist, had recently
applauded noted theologian Раш Til-
lich for his defense of pornography as
“extending sexuality into old age."

Embarrassed and dismayed at the
negative cost benefits of the Govern-
ment's prosecution, the U.S. Attorney
appealed, rather like doubling up
when losing at craps. Snake eyes! The
appellate court decided that, yes, Vir-
ginia, there are community standards
that can be circumstantially evidenced
by “enclaves of tolerated obscenity.”
And by those standards, the alleged
obscenity wasn’t legally obscene.

This intelligent and honest decision
seems to bring judicial reasoning full
circle to the common-sense conclusion
that a dirty movie, like truth and beau-
ty ora contact lens, is in the eye of the
beholder.

Louis F. Linden is executive director
of the National Association of Criminal
Defense Lawyers.

omy of effort and beautiful design in
God’s plan.

There are 23 pairs of chromosomes that
serve as the blueprint for the human body.
Only one pair is directly related to pro-
ducing sexual differences. On а purely
genetic level, those differences are the
testes and the prostate in the male and the
ovaries and the uterus in the female.

The other differences in male/female
packaging are the result of hormones
produced by those organs under the
appropriate conditions. We сап best
demonstrate how this works when it fails
to do so. In the rare genetic malady testos-
terone insensitivity, the molecule essential
for transporting testosterone into the cell,
where it affects the nucleus, is missing.
The result is a person who appears to be a
woman. At the time menstruation should
occur, the absence of a womb is discovered
and testes are found where the ovaries
should be. These women make wonderful
wives and mothers of adopted children
and are usually described as very “femi-
nine,” if you still choose to describe femi-
ninity as being quiet and unassertive, with
a low sex drive (not me, thanks).

Testosterone is responsible for the de-
velopment of the penis and the scrotum,
Ше correct placement of the testes and а
more aggressive and sexual nature in the
male. Testosterone also changes the brain
prenatally from the basic female cyclical
pattern (later governing the menstrual
cycle) to the longer, less noticeable cycles
of the male brain, now being elucidated.

Both male and female humans (the
result of the activity of the 44 chromo-
somes not related to sex and the two that
are) are based on the female body design.
Testosterone produces the welcome mas-
culine effects in genetic males. The
presence of the nipple in men is just an
undeveloped option. It represents a poten-
tial breast that did not develop due to lack
of estrogen, a process that can easily
be reversed should the man develop hor-
mone imbalance due to disease or excessive
use of some drugs (including alcohol and
marijuana). It won't be the same structur-
ally as a woman's breast, if that matters to
Dr. Naismith

Maura D. Goodman
Portland, Oregon
As our Great Issues expert, Naismith
deals in truths that transcend mere facts.

VALUE OF LIFE

When Illinois chief circuit judge Peter
Paolucci sentenced a woman convicted of
murder last December, he cited her three
abortions in three years as an aggravating
factor. “What value, may I ask, does she
place on human life?” he asked. Га like to
ask what value that judge places on an un-
biased justice system. It seems incredible
to me that a man on trial for rape who has
been previously convicted of the same
crime two or three times cannot, in most
cases, have those convictions used against
him. Here we have a situation in which

the information has nothing to до with the
crime and the judge considers it in sen-
tencing. Talk about aggravating!

M. Helms

Fond du Lac, Wisconsin

I just wanted to tell you that 1 was
amazed and deliriously pleased by your
reply to a Right-to-Lifer's carryings-
on about abortion's being murder (The
Playboy Forum, April). Г have just sub-
scribed to PLAYBOY, and that is the first
issue I have ever read. 1 am and always
will be a card-carrying feminist and felt a
little guilty for wanting to enjoy PLAYBOY'S
articles and, yes, men. Although 1 find
some of your attitudes sexist (and some of
the women's tits too big!), there's really no
more sexism in your pages than in anyone
else's. In fact, I applaud such stands as
your belief that female human beings have
the right to control their own bodies.

Julia Rose
San Diego, California

We, like many other inmates, have very
strong negative feelings about abortion. If
а woman becomes pregnant duc to rape or
if having the baby threatens her life, then
she should have an abortion if she desires
one. But those are the only reasons that
abortions should be legal, for there are
many ways to prevent pregnancy.

If a woman becomes pregnant before
she’s ready and doesn’t want the baby,
then she should be made by law to bear
the child and put it up for adoption.
Abortion is no different from murder. A
doctor who performs abortions is no dif-
ferent from an FBI or CIA agent or any
other Government official with a license to
kill and get away with it.

Ronald D. Ricks
"Tony Garcia
Chesapeake, Virginia

That position is going to give the prison

population a bad name.

The pro-life people say that they are
against abortion because they are protect-
ing and representing fetuses and embryos.
I believe that their concern ends at birth,
because if someone really cares about the
welfare of children, he wants the best for
them. And what morc can be offered to a
child than to be born to a parent or par-
ents that want him and will be able to love
and care for him? It has been shown that a
forced pregnancy not only is harmful to
the happiness and future of the child but
also is destructive to the family unit.

It is wrong to use abortion as а form of
birth control, and we must try to educate
women to that fact. However, if the right
to choose has been a privilege misused by a
few, we must not let that prejudice us
against it, because it would jeopardize
women's lives and health if the choice
were removed.

Candice B. Lynam
Weehawken, New Jersey

GUN CONTROL

Every time I turn a page, it seems that
somebody is spouting off about gun con-
trol, whether the complaint is that he feels
that some “radical” group is trying to take
away his civil liberties or that the country
is about to be taken over by a bunch of
bloodthirsty killers who consider it their
right to go around carrying 357 worth of
“protection.” I have mixed feelings about
the issue but admit that I tend 10 agree
with those opting for gun control. 1 feel
that handguns are dangerous and specifi-
cally designed to kill people and therefore
are of no legitimate value to private citi-
zens. This is no doubt where all the
N.R.A. members stand up and say, “Hold
оп there, boy; I believe in Mom, apple
pie and the American way and the right to
live freely in the country of my choice,
the good ol' U.S. of A., and you can't go
telling me that I haven't the right, as a
responsible citizen, to bear arms to protect
my property and family. It is everyone’s
right—and duty as a good citizen—to go
out and buy a handgun, and I show this by
joining the N.R.A."

Sure, fine, I respect your rights, but 1
have the right to examine your logic and
make some decisions on my own. The first
thing to do is examine the name of your
group: The operative word is rifle, which
doesn’t say anything about handguns, and
that’s where I get confused. I don’t deny
anyone the right to protect himself. I feel
that in our present viclent society, the
individual does need some form of protec-
tion; but, at the same time, 1 feel that a
handgun isn’t it. Go ahead, buy and learn
10 use a rifle—it’s much more intimidating
than a tiny handgun and more useful as а
hunting tool. Better yet, don’t buy any sort
of long-range weapon—a properly trained
person without the false sense of security
of a gun is a much more formidable and
dangerous opponent with his bare hands
than any street punk or thief with a gun.
In actual combat, if his opponent is intelli-
gem and adequately prepared, the one
with the gun is at a disadvantage.

I very much want to protect a certain
favorite skin—mine—and if there hap-
pens to be just X number of easily con-
cealed weapons, I feel I have a right to be
nervous and ask if there might not be
an alternative method of self-protection.

David B. Williscroft
Leduc, Alberta

‘The gun-control arguments that appear
in your pages bring up a fundamental
principle that pLAvBov, from its start, has
championed in the sexual arena—in
ual liberty. In fact, the freedom to possess
a gun is defensible by the same arguments
that you openly use for sexual freedom.

Both guns and sex have their good
points and their bad. Despite the risks
associated with sexual activity—herpes,
unwanted pregnancy, the often fatal
AIDS, as well as severe emotional distress

(1 know several women who should be
dassified as lethal weapons)—you have
consistently taken a strong and correct
libertarian position against Big Brother's
intrusion into the bedroom. There are
even some of us out here who see your
defense of individual rights not merely as
a justification of your own shameless
depravities but as the upholding of impor-
tant principles.

Jt is time that PLAYBOY extended the
same principles to the ownership and
legitimate use of firearms. Libertarians
often dislike some uses of freedom that
others savor, but we rcalize that there are
no unimportant freedoms. If rights are
determined by social acceptability, then
there is no basis for freedom at all. If we
neglect the advocacy of rights to possess
the means of defense, Government power
over the individual increases profoundly.
You just might be offering up the weap-
ons, both actual and philosophical, that
would shoot down the sexual freedom for
which Рілувоу has fought so long,

I would call your attention to the new
book Firearms and Violence, edited by civ-
il rights and civil-liberties attorney Don B.
Kates, Jr. It was published by the Pacific
Institute for Public Policy Research, and
it calmly examines the social problems
suggested by its title, as well as the vari-
eties of public policies that attempt to
address the social problems associated
with private firearm ownership.

Eric Marti, Managing Editor
Reason Magazine
Santa Barbara, California

The book, we can affirm, is an impres-
sive collection of writings by Kates and
others ranging from liberals to conserva-
tives who provide some of the best thinking
we've seen on these complex subjects. It’s
going lo втеайу perturb the polemicists at
both extremes.

WHAT IS THIS MAN SAYING?

Woman's sexual caution began shortly
after man’s dramatic descent from the
trees, when the cave leopard discovered
human beings and realized a 200 percent
return on its energy investment. This sit-
uation founded the laws of economics and
gave man the incentive to bash everything
in sight. Time passed and the cave leopard
disappeared, but we're still swinging, and
women remain cautious. Incidentally, felis
lex fuck interruptus created all of the dead
laws prohibiting sex between consenting
adults.

Bill Loren
Rockville, Maryland

There almost seems to be an interesting

point here, but we're not quite sure.

“The Playboy Forum" offers the opportu-
nity for an extended dialog between readers
and editors on contemporary issues. Address
all correspondence to The Playboy Forum,
Playboy Building, 919 North Michigan Ave-
nue, Chicago, Illinois 60611.

49

© € 1981 R. J. REYNOLDS TOBACCO СО. 5 mg. "tar", 0.4 mg. nicotine av. рег cigarette, ЕТС Report FEB. 'B4.

Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health.

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Viewpoint

FAT GRANTS AND SLEAZY POLITICS:
REAGAN'S PORN PARANOIA

By LARRY BUSH

WHEN THE Justice Depart-
ment handed an $800,000
grant to Dr. Judith Reisman,
once a self-styled feminist
critic of porn, to study the
effects of pornography, it was
a sign of bad times to come.
Dr. Reisman, who had be-
comea darlingof ultraconserv-
atives after charging that the
late Dr. Alfred Kinsey was
"involved in . . . the vicious
genital torture of hundreds of
children” and claiming that
Americans’ understanding of
sex had to be revamped, was
heading out in search of find-
ings to support the Reagan
Administration’s ^ paranoia.
One of the Administration’s
second-term goals is to put a
high priority on antiporn
programs, raising to a nation-
al standard the moral and civ-
il-liberties climate of Provo,
Utah, home of the U.S. Solic-
itor General Rex E. Lee.
Reisman's work would be
merely the tip of that ice-
berg.

There is more than enough
in her grant to justify concern. Reisman,
according to her proposal, expects to
give law-enforcement agencies and the
courts a new definition of obscenity
based on the “neurophysiological pro-
cesses by which pictures or words chem-
ically act upon juvenile and adult brain
hemispheres. . . .

“Once we can operationally define
what sexually explicit material is physi-
ologically and biologically,” Reisman
boasts, “our ability to form opinions and
to evaluate its innocuousness or viru-
lence will be grounded in solid scientific
law” that will “carry . . . weight in the real
world of law, education and behavior.”

Ultimately, Reisman believes, the
new biological definition of obscenity
will allow the censorship of “trigger
messages” that result in “juvenile out-
of-wedlock births, family violence, sex-
ual abuse, exploitation [and] juvenile
delinquency.”

"The fact that this is nothing less than
a Big Brother censorship program isn’t
likely to bother Reisman. She’s already
on record as claiming that free speech
doesn’t really exist in America; there-

fore, stopping what she views as por-
nography won't raise the issue of
censorship.

“Defense of pornography is based on
the spurious notion that freedom of
speech actually exists" Reisman wrote
in a 1979 article titled Freedom of
Speech as Mythology.

“Freedom of speech, however, does
not exist,” she flatly stated. “Once this
concept has been disproved, the porno-
graphic-business community . - . can be
challenged without raising cries of cen-
жы, н

Reisman's credentials for offering
such theories—much less for receiving
taxpayer-financed funding to explore
them—are fuzzy. She claims member-
ship in eight professional organizations,
but six of those groups say they do not
provide credentials; in any event, at the
time she wrote her résumé, five said
they had no record of her membersl
Moreover, despite her claims on her
résumé and in public appearances that
she is an author of note on pornography,
no published works exist; she does, how-
ever, have a documented record as a

songwriter for Captain Kan-
garoo, for which she wrote,
among other songs, My Dad-
dy’s a Policeman.

It is the police who love
Reisman. Her grant has been
provided by the Justice De-
partment’s Office of Juvenile
Justice and Delinquency
Prevention. The Reagan ap-
pointee currently in charge of
that office has a discretionary
budget for grants—and is
rapidly creating a network of
social and biological engi-
neers who will attack pornog-
raphy on the basis of its
impact on juveniles.

The Juvenile Justice office
stays in touch with the special
Behavioral Science Unit at
the FBI academy in Quan-
tico, Virginia. According to
Justice Department spokes-
men, it was FBI officials who
brought Reisman to their at-
tention, and the FBI invited
police officials to hear her
present her thesis оп por-
nography. When eyebrows
started to raise in Congress
over the grant, North Carolina police
who had attended the FBI seminars
contacted the Congressman heading the
investigation to claim that Reisman was
the cops’ friend and should be encour-
aged to continue her work.

Certainly, that is a message that is
well received at the Juvenile Justice
office, now headed by Alfred Regnery,
son of ultraconservative publisher Hen-
ry Regnery and a frequent seminar
companion of the Reverend Jerry Fal-
well’s. Regnery has given extensive in-
terviews to the Moral Majority Report,
Human Events and the Family Protec-
tion Report on his grants to study
pornography which clearly indicates
the constituency he finds most support-
ive. Most recently, his office confirmed
that he will participate, along with
Phyllis Schlafly, Jerry Falwell and the
Reverend Pat Robertson, in a seminar
on the eve of the Democratic National
Convention in San Francisco, to discuss
“the threat of homosexuality.”

Regnery has been pushing out several
million dollars’ worth of grants without
using a competitive system to solicit

51

PLAYBOY

52

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research interest, something Congress now
would like him to do. But the grants al-

ready announced have one common
theme—they claim juvenile delinquency is
on the rise (reports showing it is actually
declining were not released by Regnery),
that sex and, particularly, pornography
are linked to violence and that bio-engi-
neering will solve those problems.

While those projects might be dismissed
by some as simply more Washington-
funded reports that will (thankfully) sit on
shelves, there are indications that the Rea-
gan Administration views them as ammu-
nition for a war it is launching.

The President's Commission on Organ-
ized Crime, for example, is merely a blip
оп the wide screen, but observers of its
activities expect it to move to a much high-
er profile in 1985. It is expected to swerve
away from questions involving invest-
ments in American business to find
congenial links between organized crime
and pornography outlets.

Certainly, the FBI has been gathering
information that it deems would be help-
ful should the commission turn to that top-
ic. In early 1982, the FBI announced that
it had cracked a major pornography oper-
ation through undercover work and that
grand juries would be sequestered in sev-
eral states, mostly Southern, to hand down
indictments. The announcement was giv-
en little press attention but perhaps de-
serves some examination as an example of

the FBI's way of doing business in the
Reagan Administration.

The operation "cracked" by the FBI
was a commercial film-processing house
in Upstate New York, which developed
hundreds of thousands of snapshots and
family-album photos each year. When the
FBI was tipped off that the film sent for
development included home photos of sex
acts, an agent infiltrated the lab and took
down the names and addresses of everyone
who had sent in such candid shots. None
of the pictures appeared to be intended for
commercial purposes, all of the acts por-
trayed appeared to be consensual; but the
FBI claimed, nevertheless, to have trapped
a pornography “ring.” Search warrants

were issued in several instances and em-
ployers were notified that employees were

being investigated for "pornography-
ring” links; but by early 1984, the FBI
still had produced no major convictions of
a nationwide pornography chain

Such broad definitions and sweeps into
private activities, noncommercial їп na-
ture, might not be rarities in a second
Reagan Administration. Certainly, the
Administration argued for those rights in
pushing for new legislation dealing with
obscene photos and depictions of individu-
als under 18 years of age. Until this year,
restrictions had been placed on sexually
explicit material involving persons under
16; and even then, proof of obscenity was

required. In the bill recently signed by
President Reagan, the age has been raised
to 18 and no proof of obscenity—or com-
mercial purpose—is required.

In testimony before a Senate committee
considering the legislation in late 1982, a
Federally funded research director who
studies sexually exploited children ob-
jected to raising the age of “children” to
18, as well as to other provisions in the
bill. Both he and a police representative
said the legislation would do little to
solve the very real problem of children
who are “throwaways” from their fami-
lies and who end up on the streets to be
exploited. More than 75 percent of the
children on the streets have reported sex-
ual abuse in their families, the principal
investigator told the committee, and the
largest group on the streets “are children
who have been pushed out rather than run
away.”

But when the House of Representatives
came to a vote on the bill, the roll call
showed approval for the measure by a
400-to-one margin, as strong as the vote
after Pearl Harbor approving President
Roosevelt's declaration of war.

“This is not a pretty time,” Reisman
said in a 1979 interview. "If my assess-
ment is correct, it is a time of war.”

Already the frightening chill that pre-
cedes such crusades has arrived.

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PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: BOBBY KNIGHT

a candid conversation about character, integrity and other rarities
in sports with the no-nonsense indiana and olympic basketball coach

An actress once said that movies aren’t
plots or performances or philosophical
presentations: “They are moments.” If the
audience left remembering a moment, if
that moment was etched forever in the
memory, then, she said, the endeavor could
be considered worth while and successful.
So, too, is it with sports in America. The
moments are what 15 important.

And so is it that the career of Bobby
Knight, the basketball coach at Indiana
University, can be recalled in perfectly
preserved moments. There, young and im-
petuous, his back to the camera, his form
as flawless as that of the finest National
Football League punter, he boots an un-
seen object skyward in protest of an unseen
wrong. Now, a little older, a little grayer,
he is standing in front of his team’s
bench—his plaid sports jacket open,
his tie, as it perpetually is, at three quar-
ters sta[j —gesturing, barking instructions,
improvising as the action swirls past him.
At times, you see him after the work has
been done. One year, he is standing awk-
wardly alongside his two favorite play-
ers— all- Americans Scott May and Quinn
Buckner, who are holding a championship
trophy and wearing basketball nets around
their necks—a big, goofy grin splitting his

“Most problems in big-time college sports
arecreatedbyalumniwhoareunable to brag
about their school's team. Some guy says,
Tm tired of our getting beat. We'd better
start cheating to get us some players." ”

boyish face. Then, after another champion-
ship won in another place and time, he is
riding on the shoulders of his jubilant
players, his jaw set defiantly, his right
index finger raised in triumph. So it is that
Bobby Knight, who is so much of America,
who embodies many of our strengths and a
Jew of our weaknesses—and cherishes all
of our values—has arrived at this Olympic
summer as America’s coach.

Chances are that if one American star
emerges, it will not be a runner or a jump-
er or a swimmer or a boxer, as in so many
Olympic games past; it will not be a
bouncing blonde with dimples or a tough
kid sprinting his way out of a ghetto. The
тоз! likely candidate as the games of Los
Angeles approach is a basketball coach
named Robert Montgomery Knight, 43, of
Orrville, Ohio, and Bloomington, Indi-
ana—and, mosily, the United States of
America, Even without the participation
of the Soviet bloc countries, this summer
will be the opportunity of his lifetime.

Bobby Knight was born on October 25,
1940, in Massillon, Ohio, a town that has
achieved fame for mass producing tough
football players and coaches. He was raised
in Orrville, another town in northern

“People take Patton—a tough, demand-
ing individualist—and equate him with
me. Well, that’s not what I try to imitate.
He sacrificed people. My basic idea is let’s
live and fight tomorrow.”

Ohio, by a father who worked on the rail-
road and a mother who taught school. He
grew fast and tall and, after starring on the
high school football, basketball and base-
ball teams, he accepted a basketball schol-
arship to Ohio State. The company there
was formidable—it included John Havli-
cek, Jerry Lucas and Larry Siegfried, all of
whom starred in the National Basketball
Association—and Knight was the sixth
man on teams that won 78 of 84 games and
the 1960 National Collegiate Athletic As-
sociation championship.

Knight did not just idle away the time
he spent оп the bench. He studied
the game and, after taking his history-and-
government degree in 1962, was hired as a
high school coach. A year later, he was
drafted and was assigned to be the assistant
basketball coach at West Point. Two years
after that, when Ве was just 24, he was
named head coach at West Point, a place
of many traditions, including losing bas-
ketball teams.

While studying the game under some of
its most inventive minds—including his
three basketball mentors, Fred Taylor, his
Ohio State coach; Pete Newell, who won a
national championship at the University of
California and an Olympic gold medal in

‘PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD wiem

“In leadership, you're trying to get people
to be better than they think they can be, to
reach within themselves. You're trying to
get a guy to do something he doesn’t want
to do—and do it well."

PLAYBOY

1960; and the late Clair Bee, who coached
the great Long Island University teams of
the Thirties, Forties and Fifties—Knight
developed а reverence for most of basket-
ball’s traditions, though losing was not one
of them.

He made that abundantly clear during
his first season at West Point, when he
won 18 games and the Cadets were invit-
ed to а post-season tournament. Knight
worked at West Point five more sea-
sons, accumulated a record of 102-50
and earned another three invitations to
the National Invitation Tournament in
Madison Square Garden. But he had
accomplished about as much as he could
with the limited talent available at Army,
and in 1971, he moved to Indiana Univer-
sity, а school with a rich tradition of
winning basketball.

In his 13 seasons at Indiana, Knight has
matured from basketball’s enfant terrible
to its eminence grise, but many more
things have not changed. His teams still
play aggressive man-to-man defense and a
controlled offense. Bul, mostly, they win.
In 1976, the Hoosiers were 32-0 and won
the N.C.A.A. title, and Knight became the
first man to win a national championship
аз a player and then as а coach. In 1981,
Indiana won another national champion-
ship, and this past season, the Hoosiers
came within a basket of making the final
four, though their talent pool had been
depleted by injury and graduation. Many
coaches and sportswriters said it was
Knight’s finest coaching job.

But championships and games won are
not the only measures thal distinguish
Knight from the pack. They are simply the
by-products of an iron will, a relentless
search for basketball perfection and stead-
fast integrity; numbers and trophies only
begin to lell the story of how this man who
inspires loyalty and fervently returns the
Javor has become our Vince Lombardi for
the Eighties.

During the 1981 final four, for example,
Knight walked into a restaurant with some
friends. While his party waited to be
seated, a fan of an opposing team started to
harass him. “Knight’s an asshole! Knight’s
an asshole!” the fan, who was standing at
the bar, yelled repeatedly. Knight didn’t
want the other patrons of the restaurant to
be disturbed on his account, so he took
steps lo remedy the situation: Although
some witnesses say Knight pushed and the
man stumbled, the fact is that the offending
Jan was stuffed—backside first—into a
garbage can. And he made front-page
news across the country.

He also made front-page news the last
time he coached an American team in
international competition, in 1979 in the
Pan-American Games, which were played
in San Juan, Puerto Rico. He became
embroiled in a dispute with a policeman
who was assigned to the practice gym.
He and all the other American witnesses
said the cop had provoked him and then
started to push him, adding that Knight

had merely brushed the cop’s hand aside in
self-defense. The cop alleged that Knight
had attacked him. Knight left Puerto Rico
before the court proceedings, during which
he was tried in absentia for assault, con-
victed and sentenced to six months in jail.
He didn’t leave, however, before winning
the gold medal and riding off defiantly on
his players’ shoulders.

PLAYBOY assigned David Israel, who
often covered Knight during stints as a
newspaper columnist in Chicago, Wash-
ington and Los Angeles, to spend lime
with the coach as he prepared for the
Olympic games. Israel's report:

“The interviews with Knight were con-
ducted over two one-week periods two
months apart. The first week was spent in
Bloomington, Indiana, in the middle of
January, when the weather was really
starting to chill and the Big Ten basketball
season was starting to heal up. The second
week was spent in Seattle during the last of
March and the first of April, when four
teams not coached by Knight were playing
Jor the national championship.

“In Bloomington, the pace was hectic.
During the season, Knight speeds along at
@ pace that is equally controlled and

“For two weeks in the
summer, all basketball
fans are going to be united
as one group following one
team.”

frantic. He always knows exactly what he
wants to do, but he would also like to do
everything at once. He is exceedingly
organized —there is never, for instance, a
pause during practice to decide what to do
next, because every drill and its duration is
written on an index card Knight keeps in
his hip pocket. By the same token, there
is never enough lime in the day. Perhaps
that is why, during the season, he sleeps
too little and eats too much. The eating is
often done on the run and almost always at
crazy hours. At midnight after one game,a
banquet of barbecued ribs and chicken that
easily would have fed two dozen was
devoured by Knight, four assistant coaches
and a couple of guests while game films
were watched. Three hours later, when
everyone else had gone home, Knight was
prowling about Bloomington looking Jor a
place to have a chocolate sundae—he has
an insatiable sweet tooth—and talk about
fishing in Montana and Idaho during the
summer. In January in Indiana, the inter-
views were conducted а! breakneck speed
at just about anyplace we could steal a
moment and find some quiet.

“In Seattle, the pace was relaxed. The

Indiana season had ended the week before,
and Knight was taking it easy before
embarking full time on his Olympic busi-
ness. He was dining with old friends and
colleagues, addressing a coaching clinic
here, working an all-star-game telecast as
color analyst there, enjoying the calm be-
fore the storm that was to come. Wherever
we talked, however, the first order of busi-
ness clearly had to be Olympic basketball.”

PLAYBOY: For a few weeks this summer,
you're going to be called America's coach.
Is being the Olympic coach something
you’ve always wanted?

KNIGHT: I very much enjoy the opportuni-
ty to do it. I coached the Pan-American
team in 1979, and at that time I was hope-
ful that I would coach the Olympic team,
because it was going to play in Russia. I
thought that would be a great challenge.
But Dave Gavitt was chosen as the Olym-
pic coach for 1980. Then in 1982, when
this selection was made, I really wasn’t
attuned to the meetings. I knew they were
going on, but I just hadn't paid a hell of a
lot of attention. The appropriate commit-
tee had asked me to fill out a form to send
in to be considered as an applicant, which
I did. I was home one Saturday night and
they called me and told me I'd been picked
as the Olympic coach.

PLAYBOY: Was one of the reasons you
weren't paying attention to the selection
process that you thought your chances had
been diminished by what happened in
Puerto Rico?

KNIGHT: Oh, I wasn’t sure. No, I didn’t
know whether or not Puerto Rico had
anything to do with it. l'd coached the
Pan-American team, and 1 basically
wasn’t certain that someone who had
coached that team would also be picked to
coach the Olympic team. I really didn’t
think Puerto Rico had anything to do with
it, because I thought that the people who
were acquainted with the situation under-
stood exactly what happened. That whole
thing has never done anything but amaze
me, because anybody who was there knew
that what I said, and what our players
said, was exactly the way it happened
PLAYBOY: Do you want to say what hap-
pened, once and for all?

KNIGHT: No. It was bullshit. It was more
than four years ago; I have no desire to
discuss that now. The only thing that ГЇЇ
say about it is, very simply, that when I
told my version, it was corroborated by
every single American basketball player
there. But people just didn’t pay attention
to that. And that gave me an insight into
how little a lot of people in the press are
really willing to look at and try to under-
stand things.

PLAYBOY: What did you conclude?
KNIGHT: I think the press basically jumps
to а lot of its own conclusions. I enjoy
reading about things that / know about
personally to see how accurately they're
reported. And I don’t find that they are
reported with any great deal of accuracy.

PLAYBOY: Which was more to blame—the
press or Puerto Rican justice?
KNIGHT: I don't want to talk about that.
Don't try to get me into that. I have no in-
terest in discussing that subject. Period.
PLAYBOY: Do you wonder if it'll have any
effect on your treatment in Los Angeles?
KNIGHT: No.
PLAYBOY: Will it affect the way you're
treated by other teams or how you're
viewed by the public?
KNIGHT: I’m not coaching the other teams.
As for the public, 1 got damned near 1000
letters after that thing, and all but 21 or 22
were very supportive. Let's talk about
something else.
PLAYBOY: АП right. How important do you
think it is that America win a gold medal
in the Olympics?
KNIGHT: І think for America to win the
gold medal in basketball is something
that's simply accepted by people; it's the
possibility of America's not winning the
gold medal that's an issue. When the gold
medal was stolen from us in 1972, I was
down in Brazil and people there said,
“Well, what happened to the United
States? It’s obviously not the best апу-
more.” Those people had no idea who
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar or Willis Reed or
John Havlicek was. They had no idea that
We've got a whole league of players vastly
superior to those playing anywhere else in
the world and that we don’t put in about
six weeks and then go play. And so if we
lose the medal, I think that has a great
propaganda value for all kinds of people.
But winning it, I think, has a much
greater effect here at home than it does
abroad. You have such a tremendous fol-
lowing for basketball here in the United
States—people follow college basketball
and the pros—and for that two-week peri-
od in the summer, all of those basketball
fans are going to be united as one giant
group following one team instead of a lot
of teams. All that support that usually
goes to alll those teams is going to be fun-
neled right into one team. I think the
enjoyment and the pride that all those
people would get from the Americans’
winning the gold medal in basketball
would be the greatest satisfaction that I, as
a coach, could have or that any one of our
players could have.
PLAYBOY: How much of a burden is this
for you? You’ve come right out of a season
in which you don’t sleep, you eat poorly,
and you always look forward to the last
game of the year. Now it’s as if you have
to play an entire season again.
KNIGHT: But I’m going to do it only one
time. Ever. For as long as I coach, this will
be the only time that I do it. And I think
enough of the opportunity, the responsi-
bilities and the challenge to really not even
think about it as something extra. It’s just
something that I’m really interested in, 1
really appreciate having the chance to do
it, and I will simply do it as well as I can
because of that.
PLAYBOY: How did you feel about the U.S.

boycott of the Olympics in 1980?
KNIGHT: I strongly opposed President Car-
ter’s decision not to send American ath-
letes to Moscow. I felt that we were taking
away one of our great strengths—showing
people all over the world just how our kids
compete, how hard they work on behalf of
the United States. I thought it was an
incredible mistake to do that.

PLAYBOY: Does the hypocrisy of the Olym-
pic eligibility rules disturb you? Other
nations compete with veteran professional
teams, but you are prohibited from using
American professionals.

KNIGHT: I don’t think there’s any question
that an incredible double standard exists.
You used the word hypocrisy, and I'm
sure that’s applicable to the situation. The
Italian national league is no less profes-
sional than our own N.B.A., yet players
from the Italian league are all eligible to
play on their respective Olympic teams.
But I don’t think about that. If that were a
concern, І wouldn't be interested in the
job. I think that we can get done what has
to be done with the kids who are eligible
and available to play, or I wouldn’t have

“Гое heard kids
have gotten up to
$700,000 to go to

a school to play
football or basketball.”

taken the job.

PLAYBOY: The Olympics are a one-time
thing, but hypocrisy and cheating are per-
petual topics when it comes to big-time
college sports in America. Starting with
the issue of recruiting, why is there such
widespread cheating?

KNIGHT: I really think that most problems
are created by alumni who are unable to
brag about their school’s football and bas-
ketball teams. Some guy sits down and
says, “I’m tired of our getting beat. Рт
tired of not going to a bowl. Let’s do some-
thing about this. Let’s get some players.
After all, that’s what everybody else does.
Hell, everybody’s cheating and getting
players. We'd better start cheating to get
us some players."

PLAYBOY: 15 everybody cheating?

KNIGHT: I think there's an awful lot of it. I
think that there's big money involved in
getting good kids, football and basketball
players, to go to college today. I mean
large sums of money.

PLAYBOY: What's big money? Digger
Phelps, the Notre Dame coach, said he
knew of players who were getting paid
$10,000 a year.

KNIGHT: Well, I told Digger that he was

thinking like a Catholic would—in terms
of bingo when he should be thinking in
terms of the craps table, because $10,000
wasn't going to touch how big it is.
PLAYBOY: How big is it? How much cana
good player make in a year in college bas-
ketball?

KNIGHT: I honestly can't tell you a sum.
Гуе heard figures thrown off the wall that
kids have gotten, over a four-year period
of time, up to $100,000 to go to a school to
play football or basketball.

PLAYBOY: How do you handle it? If a kid
tells you that another university has of-
fered such and such and that without that
help he won't be able to live a decent life,
what do you tell him? How do you con-
vince him he shouldn't accept that offer?
KNIGHT: All I’m going to say to him is,
“Well, let me ask you something: Do you
want to sell a piece of yourself or do you
want to go to college for what you should
legitimately go for? You have to make that
decision. Somebody’s going to own a part
of you one day, but you're going to be
independent the other way.” If a kid tells
me specifics about that other offer, then
Im immediately going to go to the
N.C.A.A. and tell them exactly what Гус
been told, and then it's up to them to
investigate it.

PLAYBOY: Have you done that?

KNIGHT: With the kids who have told me
that, yes. But I’ve had опу a couple of
kids come out with me and say, “Well, I
would get this if I went to so and so.”
PLAYBOY: What was the result of the inves-
tigations?

KNIGHT: In one case, one of the schools
was put on probation, but not for that par-
ticular kid.

PLAYBOY: What school was it?

KNIGHT: North Carolina State a while
back. The kid started asking me, “How
many round trips home will your univer-
sity provide me per year?” I went into a
long, drawn-out discussion to finally get
that out of him. It took me 15 minutes to
get out of him what school was going to
provide trips.

PLAYBOY: North Carolina State is a school
that served itstime on probation for recruit-
ing violations involving certain players,
then won a national championship with
some of those players. Did that gall you?
KNIGHT: Absolutely. Because my feeling
about probation is, very simply, this: First
of all, it’s not just the school’s fault and it's
not just the alums’ fault or the coach’s or
whoever is involved. It’s the kid's fault.
He knows what the hell the rules are. It's
very rare that the kid doesn’t know that.
So my feeling is that you should not play
basketball or football in any kind of post-
season play with kids who were responsi-
ble for your school’s going on probation.
So when North Carolina State and Ken-
tucky were put on probation, I felt those
schools should have been denied the possi-
bility of playing in the N.C.A.A. tourna-
ment until those kids had left school.
PLAYBOY: What are the mechanics of

PLAYBOY

cheating? If you were a coach who
cheated, how would you do it?

KNIGHT: One time, I sat down and tried to
figure it out. And here's a scheme that 1
came up with that I’m sure is typical of
many things that are done.

Га get ten alums to give $1000 to a
roofing company. The roofer is an alum of
my school, and he can submit some kind of
bill to each of those ten alums, and then
they pay it. So now the roofer has $10,000
to use. He hires а kid to work for him and
can keep books on all kinds of fictitious
overtime, so maybe over the course of a
normal summer's employment, this kid
could make $10,000 to $12,000. That
seems pretty foolproof to me. The simplest
thing in the world at a major university is
to find ten guys willing to put $1000
apiece into something to ensure they'll
have a good football or basketball team.
PLAYBOY: And there's no way that the
N.C.A.A. can trace that?

KNIGHT: I don't know. How the hell do 7
know? The N.C.A.A. is, I think, the most
unfairly maligned organization in educa-
tion today. We think of the N.C.A.A. as
this monster that exists in Kansas City.
АШ Kansas City is is an administrative
body for the N.C.A.A. Any investigative
body in the world needs the power of sub-
poena and the threat of prosecution to be
successful. The N.C.A.A. has neither.
PLAYBOY: So there is no effective way to
stop anybody from cheating?

KNIGHT: That's exactly what I’ve said.
One, I don't think anybody cares. Two,
Im not sure how the hell you can stop
anyone, because the N.C.A.A. doesn't
have the two powers it needs.

PLAYBOY: Then what's the point of work-
ing against it constantly if you're just
banging your head against the wall?
KNIGHT: Well, I just think there’s a right
way to do things and a wrong way to do
things. I don’t think that a kid learns
anything by being given something. I
think that here at Indiana, the scholarship
the kid gets, the opportunities he has as a
basketball player and what the experience
is going to mean to him after he graduates
are enough. He doesn’t need to be given
$100 a month. If he wants $100 a month,
then he should make it in the summer and
put it in a checking account and withdraw
from it every month. As a coach, I would
get по satisfaction whatsoever out of
seeing my team beat somebody knowing
that I was paying those guys, that they
hadn’t come to Indiana because that was
where they wanted to play. Now, obvious-
ly, some people don’t give a damn about
that. But that happens to mean а lot to me.
I want to see our team win as much as
anybody wants to see his team win, but
there are certain principles that I think
should be followed to get there.

PLAYBOY: One of your principles is that
your players must get educated. That
doesn't necessarily happen elsewhere;
most college basketball players don't grad-
uate. What should be done about that?

KNIGHT: I've suggested for years—and no
one has paid the slightest attention to
this—that a scholarship be replaced only
because the kid who had it got a degree.
And if he didn’t get one—let’s say you
even give the kid an extra year to get that
degree—then the school loses a scholar-
ship for a year or for two years or whatev-
er. But nobody wants to pay any attention
to that. Nobody yet has and nobody will.
PLAYBOY: Does all the cheating that goes
on ever make you ashamed of being in the
business that you’re in?

KNIGHT: No, I'm not ashamed of it,
because the only part of it that I'm really
concerned with is the part that I run: bas-
ketball at Indiana. Pm not concerned
about other sports at Indiana. I’m not con-
cerned about basketball at other schools.
I've just made up my mind that what Pm
concerned about is basketball at Indiana.
Тп terms of education, in terms of what I
think is right and wrong, I’m certainly not
ashamed. I’m very proud of what we have
done here.

PLAYBOY: How do you see the situation
changing? If you were to guess what col-

“I think there's a right
way and a wrong way
to do things.

I don’t think a kid
learns anything by
being given something.”

lege sports would be like in the year 2000,
what would you say?

KNIGHT; Well, you'd just have to allow for
inflation and add that to cheating, just like
you add it to everything else. We won’t
change.

PLAYBOY: What you're calling for is an
honesty that doesn’t exist anymore. Where
did you get your sense of values?

KNIGHT: My dad was the most honest per-
son I've ever known. He never bought a
thing, except the house, that he didn’t pay
for with the money he had in his pocket.
And I don’t think he ever made more than
$8000 a year. If he didn’t have money in
his pocket to buy a car or a suit, a meal, a
piece of furniture, he didn’t buy it. My
dad lived until I was 29 years old, and in
those 29 years he owned three cars. I’ve
never known anybody like him. A lot of
people didn’t agree with him. He had a
tough time ever leaving a tip for anybody,
because he always said, “Nobody ever
gave me a tip for doing anything. I get
paid like everybody else does.” Which
always kind of tickled me. Through him,
Гуе always felt that you’ve got to have
rules. I think the next biggest influence on

me personally in that regard would be
Fred Taylor.

PLAYBOY: Your basketball coach at Ohio
State.

KNIGHT: Yeah. | was a very average player
at Ohio State, and I didn’t get anything for
doing anything. I don’t think anybody else
did, either. Taylor maintained an incredi-
ble honesty in his approach to recruiting
and playing and everything else for the
entire 17 years he was head coach there.
PLAYBOY: When you played at Ohio State,
your team won a national championship.
Were the rules broken as widely then?
KNIGHT: I don’t think that recruiting was
nearly as big an issue as it is now. I don’t
think that people went all over the country
recruiting. The first highly organized,
effective recruiter was Vic Bubas of Duke.
He did it, I think, on a very honest basis.
He lit the fuse that exploded recruiting,
because he went out and recruited good
kids and recruited them honestly. Yet, in a
way, he created a monster.

PLAYBOY: Staying with your own sports
history for a moment, did your father push
you into sports?

KNIGHT: No. He was neutral. He always
went to see us play. He went to see me
play a lot in college and saw us play
whenever he could when I was coaching.
He thought it was funny that I went
into the Army to go to West Point as
assistant basketball coach. He couldn’t
understand that. First of all, he couldn’t
understand why the hell you would go to
college to be a coach. He didn’t think you
needed a college education to coach—nev-
er could comprehend that. But when I told
him I was going to join the Army to coach
at West Point, he really thought then he’d
raised an idiot.

PLAYBOY: What did it mean to you to go to
West Point?

KNIGHT; I really looked forward to it. I
had enjoyed reading military history and I
ended up majoring in history in college,
and what more historical institution than
West Point is there in America? The
whole idea of what West Point stood for
had a special interest to me, and as I
stayed there, my feelings about it became
stronger and stronger. West Point is an
absolutely outstanding institutional con-
cept. Just like anywhere else, 1 encoun-
tered some people there who were inept
and had no business being in the positions
they were in. But as an institution, it’s
second to none.

PLAYBOY: You went there as assistant
coach, as an enlisted man in the Army.
KNIGHT: As a Pfc. Ninety dollars a
month— $895, to be exact.

PLAYBOY: It didn't take you long to become
head coach, did it? It was within two
years, when you were 24.

KNIGHT; Yeah. And I had two months to
go in the Army. I was still a Pfc. when I
became the head coach.

PLAYBOY: Why would West Point make а
24-year-old kid head coach?

KNIGHT: I was cheap. They couldn't get

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PLAYBOY

anybody any cheaper than I was.
PLAYBOY: When you were offered the job,
did you say, “Wait а minute; I’m 24 years
old. Maybe I’m not ready for this"?
KNIGHT: No, I didn’t think that.

PLAYBOY: You had never had any doubts
about it?

KNIGHT: 1 felt that I had played four years
in a system at Ohio State that was set up
by as good a coach as there was in the
country, and I had had the opportunity to
work for a year in high school for an out-
standing coach. So my age never really
concerned me. I didn’t know a hell of a lot
about basketball, but I knew how 1
thought the game should be played, and
I knew that I could coach и the way I
thought it should be played. So, no, 1 was
never concerned with that.

PLAYBOY: Did the period you were at West
Point coincide with the antiwar protests?
KNIGHT: Oh, yeah, this was one of the
greatest things Га ever seen: We had a
kid—the all-time-toughest kid who ever
played college basketball—Mike Gyovai.
He was from Aurora, Illinois. We're play-
ing up at Syracuse and some students have
just taken over the R.O.T.C. building,
where they're demonstrating against the
military. And here we come in and play.
We just beat the hell out of Syracuse in
this particular game. And the students are
on us. They're throwing nuts and bolts out
of the stands. The sports-information di-
rector at Army, Bob Kinney, still has a
long bolt that was thrown down right
beside him when he was sitting at the
scorer’s table during the game. He keeps it
on his desk to this day. Anyway, Gyovai
comes out of the game with a couple of
minutes to play and he’s at the opposite
end of the floor from our bench. Now,
Gyovai was 6/5", 225, and he looked like
he weighed about 190 solid. And I can
remember to this day his walking over to
the side line in front of all these taunting
Syracuse students, from the end of the
court right to our bench, just as slow as he
possibly could walk. I turn to a great
friend of mine, Colonel Tom Rogers, our
officer representative, and I say, “Can you
believe the son of a bitch? He’s going to
start World War Three right here.” He
was just going to dare somebody to say
anything to him. No one did. ГЇЇ tell you
one thing: If we ever do have World War
Three, they better find things for him to
attack, because there isn’t anybody gonna
beat him.

PLAYBOY: The military has obviously in-
fluenced your thinking as a coach and as a
man. Whom do you admire? Patton?
KNIGHT: Patton had an incredible ability
to see what he had to do and how to do it.
But I think he was pompous beyond what
his position called for. MacArthur was
also an incredibly arrogant, pompous guy.
Yet he engaged more enemy troops with
fewer casualties than any other military
commander in history. That, to me, is the
mark of a great general. But I think my
choice as the greatest military commander

of all is Ulysses S. Grant.

PLAYBOY: Why?

KNIGHT: Because Grant wore the uniform
of a private. He had no self-interest at all.
He never tried to promote himself in any
way. He felt he was a soldier given a job to
do, a distasteful job, and that was to get
the war over as quickly as he could. That
was his only objective. Grant had a far
broader understanding of the war than
anybody else who had ever been in the
military. When he went to Washington to
assume command of the Union armies, he
went with his son; through a mix-up,
nobody was there to meet him at the train.
He went to Willard’s hotel and simply
registered as U. S. Grant and son. You
know, a guy like Patton or MacArthur
would have been met by jeeps and tanks
and airplanes and paraded down Consti-
tution Avenue and everything else. I’ve
done a lot of reading about Grant in the
past three or four years. He was a brilliant
tactician and strategist, and he did it with
a great style. I’m a tremendous admirer of
Patton’s, but I admire him because of his
ability to grasp what he was confronted
with and then beat it.

“Coaches can learn
a lot by studying
examples of indecisiveness
or timidity. Most
military commanders
are timid.”

PLAYBOY: How do those qualities apply to
coaching basketball?

KNIGHT: I honestly feel that as I have read
about Grant, I have tried to become more
low-keyed in my approach to things, to
stay the hell out of them, to be more
removed from them.

PLAYBOY: How have you become more
low-keyed?

KNIGHT: Oh, when somebody asked a
question at a press conference, I might
have said, “That is the dumbest goddamn
question I’ve ever heard,” and now I
might simply say, “Oh, I don’t know; has
anybody else got a question?”

PLAYBOY: Don’t you think that analogies
between sports and military can be—
KNIGHT: Overworked? Yeah, sometimes.
‘Take the idea of winning and losing. You
don’t want to be second in a war. I mean,
you're not preparing for next year's war. I
think the best analogies that can be made
are the command-decision analogies be-
tween commanders and coaches. Coaches
can learn a lot just by studying examples
of indecisiveness or timidity. Most mili-

tary commanders are timid. The great ones
haven’t necessarily been the most brilliant.
They're the ones who are the most aggres-
sive and are willing to go after things.
PLAYBOY: Which is a quality most people
would associate with Patton—or you.
KNIGHT: People take Patton—a tough,
demanding, rugged individualist—and
they equate him with me. Well, that's not
the part of Patton that I try to imitate.
TThe part of him I admire is the way he
recognized opportunities and developed
strategies—we'll use this road because it
takes us here and that one can't—and the
way he was willing to get down in the
mud and direct tanks. But my most
severe criticism of Patton would be that he
was too interested in his own image as a
military commander at the sacrifice of
people. And I mean lives. My basic idea is
let's live and fight tomorrow. I think Pat-
ton fell short in that category. He sent
250, 300 people on an almost suicidal
mission to free his son-in-law from a pris-
on camp during World War Two. Mac-
Arthur, despite his greatness, could be
just as self-absorbed. I don't know wheth-
er or not this is really true, but in the
movie MacArthur, he was upset about the
atomic bomb's being used in Japan be-
cause it deprived the American Army and
himself of the glory of an invasion of
Japan, which would have been war as һе
thought war should be fought. But how
many millions of American lives did Har-
ry Truman save? Truman may be the
greatest American who ever lived. Не
once wrote a letter to his brother in which
he said, ^I think the proper thing to do,
and the thing I have been doing, is to do
what I think is right and let them all go to
hell. Sincerely, Harry.” [Laughs] That's
the way the guy operated.

PLAYBOY: Why do you remember that let-
ter verbatim? Did you study it?

KNIGHT: J study what I think is right and
what I think is the way to do something.
Some guy who writes about it or watches
it from the stands hasn't studied it. I've
studied. And if it turns out to be wrong,
then I’m going to re-evaluate it and make
the decision differently the next time.
Themistocles was asked, I think, “Would
you rather be a writer or a participant in
the Olympics?” And his response was
“Far better to be the doer of deeds than
the chronicler of them.”

PLAYBOY: On occasion.

KNIGHT: I’m not using that as а compari-
son to writing or journalism. I’m just say-
ing that Pm usually sure my decision is
right because I've studied it and the other
guy hasn't.

PLAYBOY: Do you always think you've
done the right thing?

KNIGHT: No.

PLAYBOY: What are examples of things
you think you were wrong about?
KNIGHT: Well, it might be something I've
said to somebody and then, in retrospect,
Гуе thought that wasn't the thing to say

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PLAYBOY

under the circumstances. It might be the
way Гуе handled something or gotten irri-
tated or upset.

PLAYBOY: But you don't often apologize in
public.

KNIGHT: Guys who apologize for things in
public always amaze me. When I read
how somebody apologized publicly for
something, I never think there’s much sin-
cerity in that. Or when I read that some-
body has donated $10,000—T've donated a
hell of a lot of money to things and nobody
knows anything about them and nobody
ever will know about them. I just think
that the things that you do privately are
much more meaningful.

PLAYBOY: You may be the most famous
person in Indiana—more famous than the
governor or the Senators. Do you think
there's something wrong with a society
that elevates a college coach to that level,
or is it understandable?

KNIGHT: You don't have an entire daily
section of the newspaper devoted to medi-
cine or education, but you've got an entire
section of every daily newspaper devoted
to sports. And, particularly when one
team is successful, be it in football or bas-
ketball, the one person who usually re-
mains with the team is the coach. But
there is a difference between being well
known and being looked upon as some-
thing that you aren’t. I think that you have
to understand why you're as well known
as you are. Гт as well known as I am
because I’ve had a hell of a lot of basket-
ball players who played pretty well. I look
upon that as simply an appreciation for
Indiana University basketball.

PLAYBOY: Beyond that, what do you think
people see in you?

KNIGHT: I think people can look at me and
if they cut it to the absolute simplest form
possible, they'll tell you one thing: The
son of a bitch is honest. I think people
have an appreciation for someone who
says what he thinks. I think they know
that I make mistakes but try to do what's
right. At least I hope so. The people at
Indiana have been very good to me. Indi-
ana has been a great place for me to be.
PLAYBOY: The university or the state?
KNIGHT: The university and the state.
PLAYBOY: What effect has your intense
fame had on your family?

KNIGHT: Гуе always tried to keep my fam-
Пу completely removed from it. Гуе tried
to teach my two boys that they have no
special privileges whatsoever because
somebody associates them with Indiana
basketball. I've tried to keep them out of as
much as] can. Гуе never allowed stories to
be written about my family or my family
to be interviewed by anybody. As any
father would, I let them receive some ben-
efit from what I do, such as being around
the team. From the age of six, Tim carried
water and towels and wiped up, and so
did Patrick. But if they want to be there,
they gotta get their ass in gear, like every-
body else.

PLAYBOY: Let's focus on your work. What

is the day of a game like?

KNIGHT: Well, the game day has gotten
more difficult for me, as more is expected
from the team. We've gotten to a point
where we're expected to win a lot, so we're
trying to live up to that expectation. Los-
ing games that are close is much harder on
me now than it was before. Before, I
would just say, "We've got to work hard-
er, we've got to do something better." Now
I tend to reflect on what we have done.
What should we have done? What didn't
we do? Ah, I have a much tougher time
than I did before handling games we lose
that we might have won.

Game day—I used to have а kind of set
routine. Now, a lot of times, Z do things
differently. We had our last game of the
regular season with Ohio State. Johnny
Bench came to watch the game, and
instead of sitting there for two hours,
thinking and planning, аз I used to, I took
him to the lake where I do a lot of fishing.
Then we went back for the game. ГА nev-
er have done that a few years ago.
PLAYBOY: Getting to the game itself, give
us a coach's perspective. What are the
things that you need to see during a game

“Tm as well known as І
am only because Гое had
a hell of a lot of basketball

players who played
pretty well.”

to coach efficiently?
KNIGHT: Well, I’ve got to see if what we
have set up defensively is being followed
through. That’s number one. Number
two, is what we're doing defensively suffi-
cient to contain their offense? Then, offen-
sively, are we getting good shots? Are we
having trouble getting good shots? Are our
people moving without the basketball? I
try to look at what we're doing in terms of
what we've set up for this particular game.
Then I try to be ready for any changes
that the other team might make; ideally,
we've anticipated some of them and we
can adjust to the changes that they make.
PLAYBOY: What's likely to make you jump
out of your chair during a game?
KNIGHT: Defensively, when a player
doesn’t recognize where the ball is; when
he misses something because he didn’t
know where the ball was, which is рага-
mount. That’s one thing. A second thing
is missing a block-out. The third thing is
not moving—to help out or to impede the
progress of the ball.

As for offense, ours is very subtle in its
development and moverent. I think it is a

difficult offense, so it's harder for me to
always see what's going on. Often, I have
to study the film to know what's hap-
pened, so Рт less likely to jump off the
seat.
PLAYBOY: In terms of motivating a team, ог
in terms of your own expectations, what
do you set as a goal at the beginning of a
season?
KNIGHT: Well, next season, my initial
thing will be, “All right, at one point in
this season, 280 teams are going to be
reduced to 64, and your goal is to be one of
those 64 teams." Гуе mentioned that on
the first day of practice every year that I've
been in Indiana. Along with that, we want
to win the Big Ten championship. We
start talking about that the very first day
that we get together, those two goals.
PLAYBOY: No more than that? You don't
strive for the national championship?
KNIGHT: No, because most teams aren't
capable of doing that. I totally disagree
ith the guy who says, “Well, our objec-
tive is to win every game; our objective
is to be a national champion." I've been
there. And Гуе had teams that win every
game, and I know how hard that is, and
there are very few teams that can do it. I'm
not a believer in striving for the impossi-
ble. No, I'm a believer in being very real-
istic about what you can and cannot do,
and then trying to achieve what you realis-
tically can achieve.
PLAYBOY: But was it realistic in 1976—
with that team—to expect that you could
win the national championship?
KNIGHT: Exactly. I told the team on the
first day of practice of the 1975-1976 sea-
son that nothing less than the national
championship would be satisfactory. The
rest of it was all just a means for us to
get there. We had to play a schedule; we
had to go the first day of practice. I knew
that team was the best team in the coun-
try. In fact, that was one of the best teams
T've ever seen play college basketball.
PLAYBOY: Was 1976 different from 1981,
when you also won the championship?
KNIGHT: Yeah, but only because we'd
started out badly in 1981 and we'd had to
get some players straightened around. But
I thought that we were the best team in
the country at the end of that year.
PLAYBOY: What are the best teams you've
ever seen play college basketball?
KNIGHT: Oh, I think that Ohio State '60
team, and a couple of those UCLA teams,
and that 1976 Indiana team, and probably
the 256 San Francisco team, but I didn't
see it play.
PLAYBOY: Is there a number of games
won—a percentage—that constitutes а
measure of success for you?
KNIGHT: No. Гуе never thought of it in
those terms. Winning 20 games isn't it.
Winning the league championship isn’t it.
It's being able to take a given season and
look at it and see if we did as well as I
thought we could.
PLAYBOY: Last season, you reached the
final eight of the N.C.A.A. tournament

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PLAYBOY

with a team that was relatively inexperi-
enced and was hampered by injuries. Was
that a successful season?

KNIGHT: In the context of accomplishing
what we had tried to accomplish in terms
of goals, it was. However, over the course
of the season, we had several opportunities
that we did not make the most of—maybe
four times. When I think of those things,
the season wasn’t successful. And as we go
into a new season, that’s what ГП have to
change if this team's going to grow.
PLAYBOY: It sounds as if you go through
life in a constant state of dissatisfaction.
KNIGHT: No, I don't think so. I don't
attach the same process of evaluation to
other things that I do to coaching basket-
ball. If I go to a restaurant and order din-
ner and it's lousy, that doesn't spoil my
evening. It's just a lousy dinner, so I don't
eat it. Let's get on with what else we're
going to do. But if we go toa basketball
game and play a lousy game—yes, that
spoils my evening.

PLAYBOY: For a lot of people, college bas-
ketball means color and pageantry; the
game is part of a larger spectacle. Do you
notice cheerleaders and bands?

KNIGHT: I think I notice the big picture.
The cheerleaders have enthusiasm. But
one of the great distractions of professional
sports are the bump-and-grind girls they
have. I think they detract immensely from
the sport. There’s no real enthusiasm
there. It’s like we're selling a picture of a
naked gal on the cover of the Methodist
hymnal.

PLAYBOY: Are you saying sports is reli-
gion?

KNIGHT: No, I’m just saying that religion
stands in its own right, just as profession-
al sports should. What the hell do you
need sex for to see professional sports? I
think that’s demeaning to the sport. If I
were involved in a professional franchise,
the first thing Га do is fire the girls. But
there’s a bouncy enthusiasm about bands
and cheerleaders that I really enjoy.
PLAYBOY: During the game, are you aware
of the crowd—whether it's for you or
against you?

KNIGHT: No, I don’t think so. I’ve tried to
adopt an attitude since the very beginning
that you can't be more relaxed at home or
more tense on the road because of the
crowd. You've got to reach a point equi-
distant between the two, so you play con-
sistently no matter where you are. As long
as I've coached, I haven't been very con-
scious of crowds—even at home, where
we've had some great crowds that have
been spontaneous beyond belief. I think
maybe when a game's over I might say,
"Our crowd was pretty good today" or
“We hada bad crowd today,” but that’s all.
PLAYBOY: There's no subliminal response
during the game?

KNIGHT: No, I really don't think so. When
І first had to do public speaking, I learned
to talk over the top of everybody's head—
you know, instead of looking right at a
person. If you do that, you can lose соп-

centration. You know, if you happen to
look at some good-looking girl sitting there
[laughs] or a friend of yours, it can really
break your concentration. So, I found very
quickly that it didn't bother me to get up
in public; it was almost as though I were
talking to myself instead of: My God!
There's 1000 people out there! And I
think that’s kind of the way that Гуе
always thought about crowds in basket-
ball. Whether it's 20,000 or whatever the
hell it is, Pm just looking at the game, not
what’s going on around it.

PLAYBOY: You're so animated during the
game, people assume that a lot of what
you do is intentional—designed to deflect
attention from the players onto you to take
pressure off them.

KNIGHT: I don’t think I’ve ever done any-
thing like that. My whole theory of coach-
ing and the physical presence that I have
at a game is directed toward the game;
toward encouraging a player, toward
chastising him, whatever it might be. But
it has no bearing at all on how I think the
crowd might react. I think you would find,
if there were some way that you could
study it, that I’m no different at home or
on the road insofar as my actions are con-

“One of the great
distractions of professional
sports are the
bump-and-grind girls.
There’s no real
enthusiasm there."

cerned. And I’m really not much different
in games where we're ahead or behind or
close or whatever.

PLAYBOY: So you're denying that any part
of coaching is a performance art?
KNIGHT: Unless it’s subconscious. I have
never consciously tried to do anything like
that. Some of my players may have said
they think their coach distracts the crowd
from them; if so, that’s something that just
happens. I can remember only one time
ever consciously trying to stage something:
It was my first year at Indiana, and I was
trying to get a technical foul—
PLAYBOY: You had to try to get a technical
foul?

KNIGHT: And the guy just refused to give it
to me and I said to hell with that, that’s
the last time-
PLAYBOY: What did you do?

KNIGHT: Oh, I was out screaming and hol-
lering, because I thought maybe it would
get everybody going. It was such a ridicu-
lous thing that I never made that attempt
again. Any technical that I’ve gotten, I’ve
gotten because of the spontaneity of the
situation. I'm sure that I have reacted by
not caring whether or not I got a technical

foul. You know, I may have thought the
mistake was so severe that, damn it, I was
going to say what the hell I thought по
matter what.

PLAYBOY: Billy Packer, the CBS announc-
er, said that you work the officials, that
you set up an official in the first half for
something you're going to want in the sec-
ond half.

KNIGHT: Let me tell you what I think
about that: I think that's just so much
bullshit; it gives a broadcaster a chance to
talk about something. When I get оп an
official, it’s because I think he's doing a
lousy job. I don't have time to sit there and
figure out how I can “work” an official
I've never done that. I have had games
where I thought we had a poor official or a
weak official, and I wanted to make damn
sure he didn't go to sleep or that he was
aware of what the hell he was doing. And,
as a game progresses, I'm not going to sit
there and say nothing about bad calls.

I figure this about officiating: I don’t
think there's an official in the country who
knows as much about basketball as I do.
Not even close. Or as much as any other
coach knows. And when I've got a com-
plaint, I want it listened to. I've seen an
official not watch for traveling; Гус seen
him watch the flight of the ball instead of
the shooter's hand afterward whether ог
not he gets hit. I think that basketball offi-
ciating is tough, but I don't think there are
very many officials who know how to
watch logically from one to two to three to
four to five in a given position on the floor.
And when I see somebody violate the logi-
cal progression of what he should be look-
ing for, then I’m going to let him know
about it.

PLAYBOY: Do you ever feel bad about caus-
ing a guy embarrassment or berating him
too much?

KNIGHT: If Гуе made a mistake, I have
said so a number of times.

PLAYBOY: Because of your knowledge of
the game, and your record, you have been
called a genius. How do you react to that?
KNIGHT: I’m not sure what a genius is. I
once heard a guy describe a genius as a
queer who can whistle while he works.
PLAYBOY: What else might a genius be?
KNIGHT: I don’t know. I don’t know what
your definition is. I would think that it
would have to be a guy who is able to do
things mentally that other people are real-
ly incapable of doing, and in that context,
Т ат absolutely not а genius. I would not
qualify in any way for it. I’m not able to
do things mathematically; the sciences,
chemistry, physics are like foreign lan-
guages to me.

PLAYBOY: Perhaps people who are gen-
iuses in those fields would find it impossi-
ble to analyze the movements of ten rather.
large people in а confined area.
KNIGHT: I don't think it takes a genius to
do that. I don't think that's a word that’s
applicable to coaching.

PLAYBOY: What word would apply?
KNIGHT: Studious, flexible, analytical. But.

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PLAYBOY

not genius.
PLAYBOY: Do you ever wonder how you
would have done if you had devoted your-
self to some other field?

KNIGHT: I don't know. This may be the
only thing in the world I can do.
PLAYBOY: For someone of your intelli-
gence, is there any continuing challenge in
trying to win basketball games? Do you
ever wonder what you're doing devoting
your life to this one game?

KNIGHT: Well, I don’t know. I really enjoy
the idea of being able to do what I want to
do a lot of the time, and coaching basket-
ball permits that. I enjoy being able to go
to Montana in the summer and spend a
month fishing by myself, with a friend or
with one of my kids. I enjoy having a job
where I’m expected to do something, and
as long as I do it, nobody cares when I’m
there or how often. I think basketball
simply affords me an opportunity to do
the things I like to do other than basket-
ball—and I think that’s why I do it.
Besides, as I said, I don’t know whether
Т4 be any good at anything else. It seems
Гуе been fairly good at this, so I keep
doing it.

PLAYBOY: Do you crave victory?

KNIGHT: No, what I have is a great desire
for excellence, and it doesn’t include victo-
ry. Winning is a by-product of playing
well. On the other hand, I have a very,
very low level of tolerance for anything
that isn't good in terms of our play.
PLAYBOY: But to press you on an earlier
question, do you ever wonder what it mat-
ters, in the larger scheme of things, if 12
guys who happen to be on the Indiana
basketball team play well?

KNIGHT: Well, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t
matter at all, except I’m in charge of those
12 guysand it matters a hell of a lot to me.
I mean, what I care about is what I’m in
charge of, and they’ve placed me in charge
of coaching basketball at Indiana, so,
damn it, we're going to play it as well аз
we can play it. And I don’t think Гус ever
lost perspective that this has to mean
something to the kid, far beyond how
many points he scored or how many
rebounds he got. But if you were to check
over the kids who have played for me over
the years, there aren't any of them on
relief anywhere, and there aren't any of
them as social burdens anywhere, and
there aren't any of them who don't have
good jobs. I mean, they've done extraordi-
narily well.

PLAYBOY: Do you ever think that you
might want to use your ability to lead and
influence people to something bigger, such
as politics?

KNIGHT: At one time, I thought I might
like to go into politics, but what I would
like to be is appointed to a job and not
have to run for it. I don't want any obliga-
tions. You know, I want somebody to say,
“АП right, we're going to appoint you the
United States Senator from Indiana." I
don't want to go through all the garbage of
elections.

PLAYBOY: But as an appointed Senator,
what would you do if you had to be on the
Senate floor for an early vote—even
though that is when you usually fish?
KNIGHT: See, that’s why I am content with
what I'm doing. I've never, never said I
thought there was something bigger, or
broader, on the horizon for me. How long
ГП coach, I don't know. But once I quit
coaching, ГЇЇ continue to live just as I do.
PLAYBOY: And if you never have another
intellectual challenge that’s satisfying?
KNIGHT: I don’t need intellectual chal-
lenges. I really don’t. I have an intellectual
challenge in deciding what Ву I should use
this afternoon on the river. Now, that’s a
challenge that exists only between me and
the fish, and not another soul knows about
it; but if I walk off the river figuring I
whipped that challenge, then I feel pretty
good.

PLAYBOY: In 1981, you almost quit; you
were close to being burned out. You even
considered leaving Indiana to work for
CBS.

KNIGHT: I think that you’re wrong about
that. 1 don’t think that I've ever been close
to being burned out. I’ve seen that phrase
bandied about by coaches and people in
the business, and I’m not sure exactly
what it means. The only thing that I did
was give serious consideration to going
into the television end of basketball, be-
cause it would allow me to do something
different. It was still an association with
college basketball, only going about it in a
different way.

PLAYBOY: Why didn't you do it? What
changed your mind?

KNIGHT: I had a long talk with Ara Par-
seghian. He's a guy for whom I have tre-
mendous respec. He told me that he
thought I should quit coaching first, not
quit coaching to do something else. Не
said that I should quit, sit around and
see what I wanted to do, then go do it, be-
cause that would be the only way I would
know that I'd truly had enough of coach-
ing.

PLAYBOY: In other words, it was a matter
of being interested in the potential televi-
sion job; you weren’t tired of coaching.
KNIGHT: The job really intrigued me. It
would have been an excellent time for me
to get out of coaching, if that’s what I
wanted to do, because we'd just won the
N.C.A.A. championship and things were
in pretty good shape. We had good players
coming back. It was going to be a good
team the next year for whoever took over.
I didn’t have any qualms about leaving
because of that. But I changed my mind.
PLAYBOY: Television pays nicely, but so
does coaching. It’s said that Eddie Sutton
at Arkansas makes $1,000,000 a year.
Compared with the rest of the faculty, are
college coaches overpaid?

KNIGHT: When we look at a total universi-
ty structure, the job with the least security
of all is either the football coach’s or the
basketball coach’s. In very few cases does
either have tenure. He has to win. You

don’t have to produce X number of A
students if you’re a chemistry professor.
You don’t have to produce a Rhodes schol-
ar every five years if you're an English-
literature professor. There aren’t any
requirements there. But a coach is paid to
win. I mean, you can cut it any way you
want it. You can talk about athletics and
all the altruistic motives that we can attach
to athletic participation—and there are a
lot. But purely from a standpoint of
retaining his job, a coach is going to do it if
he wins. And because of that pressure,
because of what a successful team means
to a university in terms of fund raising and
alumni involvement, a coach is worth
what he’s paid. I've told our people that
I'd love the 15 percent each year of
what basketball takes in over and above
what it was taking in when I came here.
PLAYBOY: What would that amount to?
KNIGHT: It would amount to enough so
you wouldn’t have to write anymore and I
wouldn’t have to coach anymore.
PLAYBOY: Are we talking about millions a
year?
KNIGHT: Yeah. We're talking about a lot of
money. Television revenue. When I came
to Indiana, we were getting $2000 a game.
Now we're getting about $18,000 a game,
plus all the other national-TV games and
everything else that we have. We were
averaging about 6000 people per game
and now we're selling about 17,000 tickets
per game. I mean, it’s astronomical.
PLAYBOY: All right: Besides being a nice
business, what is coaching?
KNIGHT: Coaching is motivation. Coaching
is leadership. Coaching is, are you going
to get the guys to attack the river? Some of
them are going to get killed, but we got to
go attack the river. So I've got to figure out
how to get them to do that. Coaching is
basically understanding human nature.
Human nature is, very simply, this: Hu-
man nature—for you, for me, for any-
body—dictates to us that we do what we
have to to get by. So we got to beat human
nature’s ass, first of all. We got to go
beyond just getting by. And if we can do
that, then we got a chance to be successful
as a team. So I got to understand that.
Then the next thing I got to do is get
these players to play harder than they
think they can play. I got to get them to
work harder than they think they can
work. John Ritter, who played on my first
team at Indiana, said something about my
approach to coaching that will never be
topped. He said, “Well, Bobby Knight
just gets us to play better than we ever
thought we could play.” I could never
have anything nicer said about what I'm
trying to do. And in any leadership role,
you're trying to get people to be better
than they think they can be. You're trying
to get people to work harder than they
ever thought they could work. You're try-
ing to get people to reach within them-
selves. Leadership. You're trying to get а
guy to do something he doesn't want to
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PLAYBOY

leadership is.

PLAYBOY: What doesn't a person want to
do on a basketball court?

KNIGHT: Dive onto the floor for a loose
ball. Get down in a defensive stance and
just scratch and scramble and work like
hell to keep the guy from getting the bas-
ketball. Block out on every shot. Take
nothing but good shots. Макс good passes.
There are all kinds of things guys don't
want to do.

PLAYBOY: What's the most fulfilling thing
about the job? You've said it's not winning
games.

KNIGHT: No. Who cares about that? If you
do what you have to do and do it right,
you're going to win. The single most ful-
filling thing about coaching has been kids
who have played for us coming back to
watch us play again. There isn't anything
that pleases me more than to look into the
stands before a game and see one of our
former players there.

PLAYBOY: Why?

KNIGHT: Because it's got to have meant
something to Aim if he's coming back to
watch us play. Now, that doesn't happen a
let of places.

PLAYBOY: Is that something you conscious-
ly strive for?

KNIGHT: Well, І encourage them to come
back. We try to make them feel they're
always a part of the team. And if you take
the time to notice in our locker room—
as Sherlock Holmes once told Watson,
"Everybody sees but few perceive".
PLAYBOY: We saw: You have the names of
all your former players on plaques in the
lockers they used.

KNIGHT: You’re one of those few assholes
Sherlock Holmes was talking about who
perceive.

PLAYBOY: Let's talk about the toughest
issue in professional sports today: Do you
understand what all the drug abuse is
about?

KNIGHT: I think I may understand what’s
going on through players I played with or
against—far longer than anybody. 1 ге-
member once we had a representative
from an N.B.A. office come into a Big Ten
meeting. Just off the top of my head, Га
say it was five years ago. The guy started
talking about how there was no drug
problem in the N.B.A., that they policed
it. I got up and walked out. Wayne Duke
[the Big Ten commissioner] asked me
where I was going, and I said, “I’m not
going to sit here and listen to that idiot
insult our intelligence about the lack of a
drug problem in the N.B.A.” Each coach
had brought two players with him, and
instead of standing up and telling those
kids what the hell it was all about, what
really happens, giving them examples of
how many guys screwed up their careers
because of drugs, this idiot was up there
telling us there was no drug problem. I
said, “I don't need this. Pll be back when
he’s done.”

PLAYBOY: So do you understand why drug
abuse is so widespread?

KNIGHT: I think that what you have, very
simply, is players having too much money
and too much time. It becomes a social
thing and a status thing. Money is a prob-
lem for most people who want to purchase
drugs. It’s not a problem for the profes-
sional basketball player.

PLAYBOY: But do you think it’s as detri-
mental and as terrible:
KNIGHT: Absolutely. There isn’t anything
good about it. There isn’t anything that
should be tolerated about it. I’d like to be
in charge of drug administration for about
a month.

PLAYBOY: What would you do?

KNIGHT: Well, I would be tough. Let’s just
leave it at that.

PLAYBOY: Would you like to be head of the
Drug Enforcement Administration?
KNIGHT: For about a month.

PLAYBOY: What would you do?

KNIGHT: I would go at trying to wipe the
thing out. I wouldn't stop boats; Га sink
them. I mean, I'd do a lot of things first
and ask questions later.

PLAYBOY: If you were running the N.B.A.,
what would you do about drag users?
KNIGHT: I think that there are situations
where the first thing you try to do is cure
the problem. It can be treated as an illness
like any other. Alcohol abuse is an illness.
Drug abuse is an illness. As to involve-
ment in anything other than use—such as
possession with intent to distribute any
drug in any way—if it were up to me, the
player would be disbarred for life from
playing in the N.B.A.

PLAYBOY: Have you personally ever tried a
drug to see what it was?

KNIGHT: No, no.

PLAYBOY: Not even in college?

KNIGHT; Never, like in capital fucking
never!

PLAYBOY: Why have things changed? Do
you feel today's players are different from
those in your day?

KNIGHT: No, I don't think so. Drugs just
weren't available then. Alcohol was avail-
able. I think as many players had prob-
lems with alcohol then as have problems
with drugs today. Drugs in this generation
are just a substitute for the alcoholism
when I was growing up.

PLAYBOY: Apart from drugs, do you find
athletes today any different from the ath-
letes of 15 or 20 years ago?

KNIGHT: No. But I think that the coaches
and the adults are different. I think the
people in charge of athletes have changed.
Athletes under the right direction are will-
ing to work as hard, put as much effort
forth, as they ever were. But the people
who administer the athletes are less de-
manding. Teachers as a whole have
changed—the scope of education is far less
demanding today than it was 20 years
ago—and that’s a tragic mistake.
PLAYBOY: Why did it happen?

KNIGHT: If I holler and shout at you,
chances are you're going to back down. So
when kids hollered and shouted, adminis-
trations backed down instead of throwing

them the hell out of school. Most people
want to avoid conflict. People for centuries
have been able to bully and buffalo their
way through things simply by hollering
and shouting. So many times, we ac-
quiesced to student demands—to the point
where you don't have to attend class today.
You can dress any way you want to when
you come to class. I teach one class and I
tell them on the first day that if they
want to wear a hat, they’d better not wear
it in there. If they want to go barefoot,
don’t do it in my class. You don’t wear
shoes, you don't get in the classroom. You
cut one class, it’s a C. You cut two classes,
it’s failure,

PLAYBOY: Which class?

KNIGHT: I teach a course in coaching. And
I say, “Don’t tell me about university reg-
ulations, because we go by my regulations
here.” And if the university doesn’t like
those regulations, it can tell me not to
teach the course.

PLAYBOY: How many students are in your
class?

KNIGHT: Oh, I’ve had up to 100 and down
to 50.

PLAYBOY: How many fail?

KNIGHT: I don't think anybody fails.
People cut class, they drop it. They drop
cut before they can fail. They could all get
A's as far as I’m concerned.

PLAYBOY: We talked carlicr about your
military heroes. Who are your sports
heroes?

KNIGHT: Ted Williams.

PLAYBOY: Why?

KNIGHT: Because of a lot of things. Wil-
liams said that his goal in life was to walk
down the street and hear somebody say,
“There goes the greatest hitter that ever
lived.” And he just worked at that. And 1
doubt if anyone else in athletics has ever
taken one thing and worked as hard at it
as Williams did. Now, Williams is a guy
who’s got great hand-eye coordination. If
I'm not mistaken, he still has one of the
highest, if not the highest, visual scores
ever recorded on the Naval Aviation phys-
ical exam. And Williams was his own
man. He went about doing his thing the
best way he could do it, the way he under-
stood it best. He was also a great philan-
thropist when he played with the Red Sox.
I've had guys tell me all kinds of stories
about things that Williams did that he
never wanted anybody else to know about.
But he was crucified by the press for
all kinds of things by people who
really didn't know what he was like.
PLAYBOY: When you, like Ted Williams,
walk down the street in five or ten years,
what do you want people to say about
you?

KNIGHT: Well, a friend of mine, John
Flynn, once asked me, “What do you want
as an epitaph?” And I said Га be very
happy if they cut on my tombstone: HEWAS
HONEST AND HE DIDN'T KISS ANYBODY'S ASS.

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Tuo hundred years ago,
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Then Julius Stroh visited
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essay By D. KEITH MANO MONEY, I needn't remind you, is a potent, launch-on-warning aphro-

disiac. Why d? you think men keep condoms in their wallet? А male can add one inch below for every extra
$100,000 or so of income—I mean, it's called long green, isn’t it? PLAYBOY's exhaustive sex survey (March 1983)
showed that “the more money a man makes, the more likely he is to have an affair.” Hotel room, silver fox, fake
mustache, prostate massage: All that offshore drilling is expensive. And from another installment of the survey
(July 1983): Men who earn more are also more apt to manage at least one ménage à trois. I know I’m more
attractive with a $100 bill stuck in cach ear. The connection between cash power and sexual success has been
understood since first that sentence “Не gasped and spent himself on her body” was written. Those aren’t
sperm you ejaculate. Those are tiny nickel:

For women, too, money isa sap raiser. The survey (October 1983) uncovered this intriguing datum: “Almost
three times as many of the women who always climax as those who never climax make $40,000 or more.”
Income can impart confidence—and, it would seem, a legally tenderer clitoris. Moncy relaxes women: Success-
ful performance at the office will carry over into bed. There is more physical self-assurance, as well. Tulane
psychiatry professor James A. Knight has said, “The drive to accumulate money is a special form of the need

14

THE DOW JONES EMOTIONALS

30 issues on which relationships rise and fall
By PHILIP BLUMSTEIN and PEPPER SCHWARTZ

HOUSEHOLD WAYS AND MEANS

1. The most common fights between
couples are about money manage-
ment—and they're most hotly con-
tended when there's a difference
between means and desires. This is
especially true when money is tight but
опе half of the partnership insists on
the right to spend it as he or she sees fit.
For example, Harry gets his pay check
and immediately spends it on his car.
He says, "I earned it, right? Damned if
Рт not going to get some fun out of it.”
Fair enough, except that his wife was
counting on that money to pay the
plumber's bill.

2. The second most common fight is
over whether to spend

ing his money on gas exploration and
he tells her what he thinks of her buy-
ing WHOOPS bonds.

5. Decisions over who will keep the
checkbook and manage the budget can
erupt into serious battles and hard feel-
ings. Sometimes a man fights to be the
only one who knows what money has
come in and what has gone out. This
makes the woman crazy, because she
doesn't know how much money they
have and can’t make informed money-
related decisions. She feels like a child.
When she wants to be a grownup, he
resists. Problems also arise if she does
keep the checkbook but is constantly
under surveillance and is really just a

clerk without any de-

or to save. One person. J
wantstoliveitup;the 4 | | |,

cision-making power
She may think she’s

in the future. The

a trusted partner un-

other sees rainy days 1 ПИ I

person who wants to 2H
spend feels that his or

til he summarily re-
verses one of her
budget decisions. Sud-

her partner's reluc-

tance to use money is
not only a spoilsport

an employee rath-
| er than a partner,

denly, she feels like

reaction, it's also a
vote of no confidence

+ and she feels hu-
al miliated. There are

in his or her contin-
ued carning capacity.

"i other perils in this

arena. Let's say she's

On the other hand,

шац
T

the partner who 12]

the bookkeeper and
gives him an allow-

ттттїтт

wants to save feels
unsafe with a spendthrift partner.

3. Common fight number three is
when partners are not equally comfort-
able about the amount of debt they're
willing to carry. Harry thinks a bank
card is an invitation to carry a large
balance on it every month. His wife
isn't bothered by a few hundred dol-
lars’ being carried over but balks when
the numbers start to rise higher. They
share their credit rating, so she doesn’t
accede to his style of debt.

4. Even when people agree on a gen-
eral approach to saving, they can still
butt up against each other's financial
philosophies. If money is to be saved,
the next question is, How? Women
tend to be more conservative about
investments and are partial to C.D.s,
money-market accounts, even passbook
accounts. Men are more likely to think
that oil wells and finding a fixer-upper
property are the ways to go. A couple
may resist each other’s plans—espe-
cially when she reminds him about los-

ance. One day, he
asks for money and she says, “Sorry,
we can't afford that." He says, “Thats
impossible. I am a good provider. You
must be a bad manager.” She’s in-
sulted—especially if she's been a gen-
ius at making each of their dollars go
for ten. But if he has never been to
the supermarket, he can’t understand
where all the money has gone. They
live in different worlds, and each
thinks the other is being unreason-
able.

6. Couples often quarrel over record
keeping. This is а little issue that may
surface around tax time. “What do you
mean you have no receipts?” he gasps.
A person who is a bookkeeper at heart,
linked with a free spirit, is headed for
some smoldering encounters.

7. Monetary independence is a cru-
cial issue in couples’ money manage-
ment. In a household where one or
both are never allowed to have “pri-
vate,” unaccounted-for money, guerril-
la warfare (continued on page 14б)

for possession. It is made possible by the
social function of money. The need to
accumulate money becomes an aspect of
bodily narcissism, and fear of its loss is
like fear of bodily injury.”

I know this topless dancer, an otherwise
respectable wife and mother, who has
envelope after envelope, each filled with
$1000, under her mattress. Sylvia spent
$2500 for a silicone inflation, $1500 more
оп tooth bonding, more yet on plastic sur-
gery. For her, cash is almost a prosthesis.
“Pm going to get collagen implants if nec-
essary. Then a face-and-neck lift. What-
ever it takes. The money makes me feel
secure. I want—I have—to be sexually
alluring. Even when I’m 60. It turns me
оп. Pd go crazy if I lost that.”

But what about couples? Well, for them
there is no such thing as petty cash. Rela-
tionships, we find, are credited, debited,
balanced or Chapter 11ed by the house-
hold spondulics. (Only sex, another form
of, um, double-entry bookkeeping, is more
critical.) And when you talk about cou-
ples, you mean Philip Blumstein and
Pepper Schwartz. They collaborated, of
course, on a magisterial study—American
Couples: Money, Work, Sex. ГИ give you
a statistical M60 burst. B. and S. got
lengthy questionnaires back (12,000) from
enough paired people (heterosexual, gay,
lesbian) almost to repopulate Lawrence,
Kansas, the day after. Then they inter-
viewed another 300 or so in detail. For our
purpose, I'll isolate the heterosexual mate-
rial, though their gay-and-lesbian print-
out is also fascinating.

Heterosexual couples — are—what
else?—either married or cohabiting. B.
and S. studied about 3600 of the
former, 650 of the latter. They make
one further distinction: They divide mar-
riage into “institutional” and “voluntary.”
Institutional equals religious, child-rear-
ing, sacramental. Voluntary equals an
open-ended relationship (which, though
legal, is closer to cohabitation) that doesn’t
necessarily presume till death do us part.

T'm into institutional marriage myself.
If you count Mother, I’ve been wed 41.9
years out of 42. Гуе done time. But my
two non-Oedipal marriages are probably
quite indicative, as far as that troublesome
male-female financial balance sheet is
concerned. My first was, Z thought, a
benevolent patriarchy: Jo just happened to
be on the dole—my dole. I have since
understood what a squamous attitude I
had. In my second marriage, to Laurie,
T've been going Dutch: Our budget is pret-
ty much copaid. As I read through the
literature, I realize that my field trip from
Sixties macho to Eighties splitto could be
considered a useful synecdoche for our
national progress.

Money can make us uncomfortable.
Conversation about it, we sense, is as
tasteless as a plastic souvenir from
Graceland. (continued on page 149)

“Why your gamekeeper and not your chauffeur, Lady Chatterley?”

$UCCE$$
$TORIES

in which three
bold, bright, beautiful
entrepreneurs show
how to succeed
in business with

out-and-out

trying

`
рид

UNNY How strong personalities jump right out at a camera. Pam
McCann—the fluffy one—smiles shyly and faces the lens with
an earnest blink of long sable lashes. Linda Delgado—the one
with the electric eyes—laughs wildly and challenges the photographer to
catch her at it, but the shutter speed to match her hasn’t been invented
yet. Diane McDonald—the savvy, deliberate one—sizes up the camera
and dares it to catch her off guard.

These three young women make a lot of decisions, earn a lot of
money, wear a lot of diamonds and tum a lot of heads. Through wit and
strength of will, they have jumped to the top of professions in which men
normally do all the climbing. And if living well is the best revenge,
they’ve been taking their vengeance for some time now.

There are many shapes of success. Here are three of the best.

PAM МС CANN: Born
3/23/61. Vice-presi-
dent of Greenworks, a
Houston floral-design
company. Went to
Houston from Akron,
Ohio, in 1981. Sold
roses on street corners
her first day in town;
now supplies flora for
the mayor's office, ma-
jer hotels and half of
southeast Texas.
Secret: “We have the
best design staff.”

Net Worth: “Мапу
thousands of flowers.”
Evaluation of Flowers in
Our Pictorial: "Not as
good as mine.”

. UNDA DELGADO: Born 11/21/
61. President of Incentive Travel,
Inc., of Lake Oswego, Oregon—
specializing in luxury уас‹

Motto: “You want a jet? A
Mexico with 50 rooms, а pool and
а grand piano? No problem.”
Net Worth: "Let's just say | made
| $40,000 at 18. It's more now.”
` Philosophy: “Ве yourself. Push.”

ALL RIGHT, all right, I know that George Orwell's
Nineteen Eighty-Four hasn't come true! The
world isn’t divided into three superpowers,
Oceania, Eurasia and Eastasia, that battle one
another constantly. No Big Brother hangs over
Great Britain; no telescreens watch its citizens.
Nineteen eighty-four is still scary, but in a way
different from Orwell’s prediction. I further know
that it’s hazardous enough for an author, let alone
a politician, to forecast a dire future. He who
speaks with the aid of a crystal ball usually ends
up eating ground glass.

Yet a view of a future toward which trends are
taking us can be a powerful tool in keeping it from
happening. Nineteen Eighty-Four was a warning
as well as a prediction and, thus, served a very
important role. Because we create our futures by
our choices, predictions can help sound alarms.
The future is to be created; it's not a fixed result
that we inherit. If it is predictable, it is preventa-
ble. “Trend,” said René Dubos, “is never destiny.”

I am not a pessimist by nature. Life has been
very good to me. But in the ten years that I have
been governor of Colorado, the American people
have seen a massive change in our economy and a
massive loss of our wealth. In 1965, the year
before I was elected to the state legislature, one
U.S. corporation, General Motors, earned twice
as much income as the 30 largest German indus-
trial corporations and the 30 largest Japanese сог-
porations combined. By 1980, С.М. had reported
a loss. In 1965, U.S. industrial corporations with
sales of more than a billion dollars represented 70
percent of all such companies in the world. By
1980, that figure had fallen to 40 percent. In 1975,

the man who said we have a duty to
die now tells why we may want to

opinion by
ИИИ O Кап
RICHARD DLAI
Governor of Colorado

ILLUSTRATION BY STANISLAW FERNANDES

PLAYBOY

my first year as governor, the U.S. had a
trade surplus; in 1983, we had a 61-
billion-dollar trade deficit. Simply put,
this country is rapidly losing its wealth. A
more besieged America has evolved, and
politicians must adjust their agendas to its
new realities.

I believe we are now heading toward a
gloomy future filled with major economic,
political and social traumas, and it's not
that we can't alter that trend but that we
won't. Thus, we're careening toward dis-
asters of our own making.

The oil disruptions of the Seventies and
the inflation and recession we experienced
weren't isolated incidents but a preview of
the future. We live in a time during which
some awesome forces are converging.
Multiple problems will multiply. There is
a gathering storm in the world as infinite
needs run into finite resources.

It is my contention that there are no
easy solutions, that our country's prob-
lems can be solved only by a series of very,
very hard choices—and that our political
system is not used to making those choices.
In the U.S., politicians have traditionally
been able to spend entire careers distribut-
ing a growing pie; thus, they're good at
distributing pleasure but not at allocating
pain.

Bur the future will not allow us to con-
tinue to ignore these hard problems. They
won't get better, they'll get worse—unless
attacked immediately. Because most of
them are taken to the political market
place for resolution, there is no better time
than an election year to discuss them. I
challenge all the candidates, in both par-
ties, to confront these problems now. We
cannot afford to wait.

What follow are my own best-guess
predictions about where certain political,
social and economic forces are taking us. І
have borrowed a technique from Orwell,
whose book projected 35 years into the
future to help us conceive the inconceiva-
ble. In this case, I have merely added ten
years to his date. One reviewer of Nine-
teen Eighty-Four said, “It is the most
terrifying warning that man has ever
uttered.”

But I'm afraid I have to add a few ter-
rifying warnings of my own.

THE US. ECONOMY

I predict that by 1994, interest rates илїї
have risen to 25 percent at least twice, gold
will have hit $2000 an ounce or more and
inflation will have roared back to double-
digit numbers al least twice. We uill see a
Depressionlike economic trauma before
1994.

As a society, we've been committing acts
of political and economic malpractice. In
his first 1000 days in office, Ronald
Reagan has increased the national debt of
the United States by half. The U.S. Gov-
ernment is borrowing approximately 30
cents of every dollar it spends. Our nation-

al debt is projected to grow from 1.4 tril-
lion dollars in 1983 to two and a half
trillion dollars in 1989. Democratic Sena-
tor Daniel Patrick Moynihan of New
York warns that if Reagan serves a second
term, his projected budgets will nearly tri-
ple the national debt in his eight years. In
other words, he will add twice as much to
the deficit as his 38 predecessors did over
195 years.

That fiscal insanity is by no means all
Reagan’s fault, however; Congress must
accept its share of responsibility. It is clear
to me that the question isn’t which politi-
cal party can offer a way out of these
tumultuous times but whether either party
can. The Republicans can’t say no to mili-
tary spending and the Democrats can’t say
no to social spending. Together, they’re
repeating all the mistakes of the Sixties,
attempting to give us both guns and but-
ter. Before long, though, we'll have to pay
for our excesses. We're living on a store of
wealth built up by past generations, but
the joy ride is coming to an end. Our econ-
omy, rich as it has been, can take only so
much abuse.

It is axiomatic in politics that the earlier
one addresses a problem, the more the
alternatives and the easier the solutions.
By not adequately attacking the deficit sit-
uation in 1984, we will be facing an
undercut economy in 1985, after the Pres-
idential election. The Federal deficit is a
sword of Damocles hanging by a thread
over the national economy. The U.S. is
clearly going to have to cut the rate of
spending and increase taxes. The solution
isn’t either but both. Whoever is elected
next November will face a deteriorating
economy and will ask himself, “Was it
worth it?”

By 1994, the seemingly irresistible force
of Federal spending will have run into the
new reality of the static economic pie.

A static economic pie? Hasn’t the U.S.
always had a growing economy? Actually,
family income in this country essentially
has not grown since 1973. All wages, wage
increases and benefits since 1975 have
been wiped out by inflation, and in 1980,
the average American saw a five-and-a-
half-percent loss in real income. I predict
that we will see our economy continue to
gyrate between periods of hyperinflation
and periods of deep recession. Further-
more, I believe that one of the most diffi-
cult political problems we will face
between now and 1994 will be the new
responsibility of politicians to allocate not
abundance but scarcity.

For at the same time we have a static
economic pie, we also have exploding
demands. We built up such systems as
Social Security, Medicare and Federal
pensions in a time of a growing economy
as though the boom would continue for-
ever. Many other systems are built on

similarly faulty assumptions. The inter-
mediate requirements of the Social Securi-
ty Administration (SSA) assume a nonstop
growth in real wages of one and a half
percent a year (substantially above what
we have averaged in the past 15 years);
they also assume an increase in the birth
rate from the current 1.8 children per
woman to 2.1 children and a steady five and
a half percent unemployment rate after
1995. The SSA also assumes that there
will be little growth in life expectancy
despite the fact that that prediction flies
in the face of America’s experience over
the past 50 years. I believe all of those
assumptions will be proved wrong. Social
Security is already facing а multitrillion-
dollar imbalance over the next 75 years.

Thus, we have made promises and
raised expectations beyond our ability as a
society to deliver. I believe that America’s
systems are now out of control. We all
know about the 1.4-trillion-dollar debt
and the 184-billion-dollar annual deficit.
As of 1983, the unfunded liabilities of
Social Security stand at 5.1 trillion dollars,
which, of course, is not considered in the
l.4-trillion-dollar national debt Un-
funded military pensions, in this society in
which a typical enlisted man will reüre
from the Service at 39 and an officer at 43,
amount to another 500 billion dollars.
Pensions are forever: The U.S. still pays
pensions to widows of Civil War veterans.
'The Federal Civil Service system's un-
funded liability is another 500 billion dol-
lars, which we will have to pay off in the
future. Additionally, it is estimated that
Medicare will be 97 billion dollars in debt
in 1995; on top of all that is at least anoth-
er trillion dollars that we will owe just to
keep up our infrastructure, which is now
rapidly deteriorating.

Consider the numbers: Our systems are
not only actuarially unsound, they are a
chain letter to the future.

By 1994, it will have become clear that
the U.S. is a country in liquidation.

Last year's trade deficit was 61 billion
dollars. Next year's is projected to far
exceed that. The U.S. has learned to buy
abroad but not to sell abroad.

Tt appears likely that our country will
continue to lose its place in the interna-
tional economy. We have gone from 30
percent of the world gross national prod-
uct in 1970 to just over 20 percent in 1980,
and that trend continues. The U.S. has
seen its industries lose their competitive
edge in the world market place and has
seen trade deficits skyrocket. Even those
industries in which the U.S. remains dom-
inant, such as agriculture and aircraft pro-
duction, are under very heavy attack.
Robert Reich of Harvard has pointed out
that during the Seventies, our share of
world sales declined by 23 percent while
every other industrialized nation except
Great Britain maintained or expanded its

(continued on page 94)

"I suddenly don't give a damn if Friday ever comes!”

| EA

> | ummer's here, with из beach action, poolside
drink By f МА | UE | Ch f f A В f R ( horseplay and weekend sojourns to the country
for some well-earned R&R. That’s the good news. The bad news is swelter and sizzle. How does one
overcome? The same way as before the world became air-conditioned —with frequent infusions of tall,
frosty coolers liberally laced with compatible spirits. Mention tall-and-frosty concoctions and one's
thoughts, of course, turn to gin and tonic, vodka and fruit juice or light rum and cola—the classics. But
those clear-white spirits are extremely versatile and lend themselves gracefully to any number of
quenching quaffs. So why restrict your pleasure to a few old reliables, inviting though they are, when
there’s such a wealth of exuberant alternatives? Astute mixologists brighten their offerings with exotic
syrups and mixers, ripe seasonal fruits or berries and invoke uncommon spirits when opportune. Add a
decent blender, a mechanical ice crusher, plus ice, and you’re ready to qualify for your M.S.—master of
summer drinks. There’s a knack to operating a blender. The first imperative is don’t overblend, as it
warms the contents of the container. Also, there are times when you want a slightly grainy texture
rather than total smoothness. If some elements in the mix resist liquefication, shut off the motor; the
solids will settle at the bottom, close to the blades. Then rev up again (concluded on page 90)

a roundup of whistle wellers for
those who like their summertime
liquidity lean and lanky

PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD FEGLEY

88

“you mean,” he said, “that I can make one hour with her seem like five?"

fiction

SHE WAS HALF his age, а cool young woman
whose green eyes he could not read. He
had never known anyone remotely like
her.

His name was Bryce Cromartin—
Bryce Cromartin III, in fact, though he
had dropped the Roman numeral, as too
ostentatious, years ago. He had a house in
Marblehead, a condominium on Beacon
Hill and a summer place on the Cape.
Her name was Vicki Mahoney; they had
met in his lawyer's office, where she was a
typist.

She would never allow him to take her
home; she said she lived with her invalid
mother. They met once a week, on Fri-
days, for an hour: It was the only time she
could get away, she said. He gave her little
presents, nothing in bad taste—a slim gold
chain with a ruby, a diamond clip. Then
somewhat larger presents, but she refused
to meet him more often.

In his usual foursome on Wednesday,
Jack and Larry were talking about a new
place called "The "Time Exchange. "It
seems they can really make the time go by
faster or slower," said Jack. *Ed Vander-
meer told me he tried it for a dentist’s
appointment. A root canal. He said it was
all over before he knew it."

"But can thcy really give you more
time?" Cromartin asked.

"Yes, they bottle it somehow."

"The image that rose in Cromartin's mind
was that of Vicki, sprawled in delicious
abandon. He looked up the place in the
phone book and went there the next day.

The Time Exchange was in a seedy

part of town, but the establishment itself.
looked modern and new. Around the cor-
ner, at another entrance, a line of derelicts
stood waiting.

Inside, it was like a doctor's office—
potted shrubs in redwood boxes, chrome
and brass. A young man came forward
alertly. “May I help you?"

“Well, I’m not quite sure. Those men I
saw around the corner—are they”

They were time donors, the young man
said, but that was not for Cromartin. The
best plan for him, he thought, would be
the deposit-and-withdrawal system: Cro-
martin would deposit unwanted time by
means of a little canister taped behind his
ear, which he would bring back to The
Time Exchange for processing; then,
when he wanted time, he could withdraw
it from his own account.

*No— well, perhaps later—but I was
thinking of, ah, having it for tomorrow."

In that сазс, said the young man with
an understanding smile, the Exchange
had certain clients, perfectly respectable
people, who left time on deposit for sale to
others, and that time, which was of the
highest quality, could be purchased at a
very reasonable rate.

He spread out a schedule for Cromar-
tin’s inspection. The fees were graduated
according to a factor system that Cromar-
tin at first found confusing.

“Then you mean,” he said, “that if I
spend an hour somewhere and the factor is
five, it will actually seem like five
hours?”

Exactly so, said the young man. The fee

ILLUSTRATION BY DAVID LOEW

was a litte stiff, as a matter of fact, but
Cromartin paid it. Thereupon, a smiling
young woman in a nurse’s uniform took
him into a back room and showed him
how to attach the gleaming little canister
behind his ear and how to work the little
slide that turned it on. Another employee
wrapped the canister for him and the young
man bowed him out.

All day Friday, Cromartin was in a
sweat of anticipation. Evening came at
last; he picked Vicki up at the usual place
and drove her to his condominium. While
she undressed, he went into the bathroom
with the canister. He attached it behind
his ear, as he had been instructed, and
carefully pressed the slide to the on posi-
чоп before he brushed his hair over it.

Vicki was lying on the black-satin
sheet, arms and legs spread, looking at
him with her green eyes in the dimness as
he approached. And it was just as the
young man had promised; his delight went
on and on, and when her body convulsed,
the waves of pleasure rippled through him
as if they would never stop.

Afterward, as they lay together, he ran
his finger tips up the side of her neck, then
behind her ear, and his heart swelled with
sudden joy when he encountered a little
canister there. What sacrifices she must
have made to buy this time with him!
How could he ever repay her?

Cromartin put his trousers on. Vicki, on
the edge of the bed, yawned delicately as
she picked up her watch. “Is it nine o'clock
already?" she said. “Ном time flies."

PLAYBOY

LONG TALL COOLERS an paee a0,

“Long, tall coolers are guaranteed to lower your
thermostat before the first swallow hits bottom.”

and work in short bursts until the recalci-
trant morsels are broken down. Summer-
drink formulas often call for shaved ice—a
chip off the old ice block that’s difficult to
achieve at home. You'll find finely crushed
ice, about pea size, quite satisfactory. Ice
both chills and dilutes, so shake or stir to
the point of optimal coldness, not a second
more, and don’t recycle ice in the shaker or
the pitcher. Start every round with a fresh
batch. It also helps to chill all ingredients
and utensils beforehand.

The potions detailed below are among
the best sun glasses in the world. Many
are originals gleaned from esteemed re-
sorts and smart watering holes around the
globe. They're thoroughly delicious and
therapeutic—guaranteed to lower your
thermostat to cool before the first swallow
hits bottom—two persuasive reasons to get
at them without further delay!

STRAWBERRY SMOOTHIE,

From the Hyatt Regency, Maui, Hawaii.

1% ozs. light rum

2 ozs. soft ice cream

2 025. liquid yogurt

1% ozs. strawberry purée

¥ cup finely crushed ice

Papaya wedge, for garnish

Add all ingredients but garnish to
chilled blender container. Buzz until just
smooth. Pour into chilled 12-oz. tumbler.
Spear papaya wedge with pick and lay
across top of glass. Serve with straws.

GRANDE DAME

From the Manila Hotel, Philippines,
courtesy of George Lang, who created the
concept for the dining room and bar.

1% ozs. white rum.

Y oz. Galliano liqueur

3 ozs. guanábana (soursop) nectar

1 rounded scoop vanilla ice cream

1 egg yolk

¥, cup crushed ice

Cherry, for garnish

Add all ingredients but garnish to
chilled blender container. Buzz until bare-
ly smooth. Pour into large wineglass or
highball glass. Garnish with cherry; serve

with straws.

ANAL

Created by Freddy Lopez, bartender at
El Panama Hilton, Panama City.

1 oz. gin

1 oz. vodka

% oz. Cointreau

3 ozs. guava nectar, chilled

1 or 2 dashes grenadine

% 02. coconut cream

Pineapple chunk, long strip orange
peel, cherry, for garnish

To cocktail shaker with cracked ice, add
all ingredients but garnish. Shake vigor-
ously—really rock it—until everything is
well combined. Strain into tall glass over
ice cubes (El Panama uses 14-02. zombie
glass). Garnish; serve with straws.

BANANA CREOLE SHRUBB.
(For two)

A charming confection of a drink—pink
and as smooth as mink—from the charm-
ing Restaurante La Plantation, Pointe-a-
Pitre, Guadeloupe.

3 ozs. Clément Créole Shrubb liqueur

% cup milk

1 oz. grenadine

¥ ripe banana, sliced

ЗА cup crushed ice

Lemon-peel strip

Place all ingredients but lemon strip in
chilled blender container and buzz until
just smooth. Divide between two chilled
highball glasses. Twist lemon peel over
each and add to drink.

TIVOLI ROSE

From the luxurious Belle Terrasse Res-
taurant in the Tivoli Gardens, Copen-
hagen, a cooler made with a Danish
cherry specialty—Kirsberry.

Crushed ice

3 ozs. Kirsberry

1 oz. ginger ale

Lemon slice, for garnish

Half fill highball glass with crushed ice.
Add Kirsberry; stir. Pour in ginger ale;
stir lightly. Garnish with lemon slice;
serve with straws.

FROZEN VIENNESE PEAR SOUR

Served in the attractive summer garden
of Restaurant Purbacher Zeche, just out-
side Vienna.

3 ozs. Zwack Viennese Pear liqueur

2 teaspoons lemon juice

% cup finely crushed ice

Ripe-pear wedge or orange slice, for

garnish

Combine all ingredients but garnish in
chilled blender container. Buzz until just
smooth. Pour into wineglass or highball
glass. Decorate with fruit.

MELON MADNESS

An adaptation of a drink from Hono-
lulu’s Kahala Hilton.

1% ozs. Midori or other melon liqueur

У oz. orgeat syrup

1 tablespoon lemon juice

1 teaspoon superfine sugar

3 chunks honeydew melon (И cup)

¥, cup finely crushed ice

2 ozs. club soda, chilled

Lime wheel

To chilled blender container, add first 6
ingredients. Buzz until just smooth. Pour
into chilled collins glass. Add soda; stir
briefly. Hang lime wheel on rim of glass;
serve with straws.

RUM GIGGLE
(For two)

A twofer from Trader Vic’s in the New
Otani Hotel, Tokyo—also available on
request at other T.V.’s.

3 ozs. light rum

1 oz. amaretto

2 ozs. orange juice

1 oz. pineapple juice

1% ozs. lemon juice

1 tablespoon superfine sugar

Y, cup shaved ice

Buzz all ingredients in chilled blender
container until just smooth. Pour over ice
cubes. T.V.’s serves this in a large shell-
shaped vessel and floats a gardenia on it,
but you can use a large Burgundy balloon
glass—and skip the bloom. Don’t forget
straws—one for each participant. The
drink can also be divided between two
highball glasses, though it’s not as cozy.

BIG JAKE

From Jake’s, a bouncy new dining/
drinking emporium in Manhattan.

1 oz. vodka

% oz. gold rum

Y oz. triple sec

¥, oz. lemon juice

2 ozs. pineapple juice, chilled

1 teaspoon superfine sugar

Lemon slice

Shake all ingredients but lemon slice
briskly with cracked ice. Pour unstrained
into tall glass. Garnish with lemon slice if
you like; serve with straws.

SINGAPORE DELIGHT

From the head bartender, Marco Polo
Hotel, Singapore, courtesy of George Lang.

1/4 ozs. light rum

¥, ог. peach-flavored brandy

Y, oz. fresh lime juice

1 ог. pineapple juice

1 tablespoon superfine sugar

Dash vanilla extract

1 slice canned pineapple

А cup finely crushed ice

Cherry, pineapple cube, mint sprig, for

garnish

Combine all ingredients but garnish in
chilled blender container. Buzz until just
blended. Pour into tall glass; garnish.

Now that you have the scoop on sum-
mer drinks, don’t keep it to yourself. Share
your discoveries with a warm friend and
cool it together—over a passel of frosty
concoctions. It’s bound to build a cozy
relationship. е

WALK ON THE
WILDER SIDE

looking for knockout
clothes to impress your
leading lady? here’s what
gene wilder wears to
stalk “the woman in red”

attire By HOLLIS WAYNE

GENE WILDER would be funny in
a nudist colony. But put him in
some great-looking Italian
threads (and drape gorgeous
Kelly Le Brock on his arm)
and he becomes damned іт-
pressive, And impressing
someone is just what Wild-
er’s latest screamer, The
Woman in Red, is all
about as he pursues Le
Brock—who із, оГ
course, Ше woman іп
red—all over Зап
Francisco. We won't
tell you the ending,
but we will say that if Е б ] TY
he'd gotten a little help Кар ||

from the manufactur- i ] A

ers of the three drop-

dead outfits featured |

here, his quest would
have been a snap—or,
better yet, a zipper.

Right: A very droll Gene
Wilder and a very dry
Kelly Le Brock. Will they
wind up on the rocks
Over their martinis? Not
likely with him coming
оп in a wool tweed over-
plaid-pottemed double-
breasted sports jacket,
$495, а cotton plaid
buttondown shirt, $110,
pleated tweed slacks,
$170, and a silk tie, $40,
ай by Valentino; plus
woven-leather shoes, by
To Boot, about $105.

PHOTOGRAPHY BY MARIO CASILLI

Here, Wilder's ploy is playing hard
to get and our woman in red sudden-
ly decides he's not for the birds. His
plumage? A belted Italian-made cotton
blouson jacket with knit shoulder
detail, stand-up collar and zip front,
$515, coupled with a linen/cotton crew-
neck, $290, a linen tattersall-patterned
shirt with buttondown collar and shoul-
der pleats, $295, and linen pleated
slacks, $185, all by Gianni Versace.
(No, that bulge under Wilder's crew-
neck isn't his bobbing Adam's apple;
it's a cotton tie, by Vicky Davis, $14.)

Below: Ah, the Ше of а sex symbol.
Pants off today, pants on tomorrow.
What's a poor fellow to do? muses
Wilder as he settles down for a second
helping of bubbly—and, he hopes, le
Brock—wearing а butterscotch-suede
safari jacket with epaulets and a suede
belt, from Pietrovonni by John Rima,
$850; plus ап Italian cotton button-
down shirt, by Andrew Fezza, $75; and
о nubby wool Не, by Bionculli, $40.
Wilder's neatly folded, natty-looking
wool pleated slacks, about $125y are.
also from Pietrovonni by J 5
|
|
|

PLAYBOY

94

1334: А PREDICTION

(continued from page 84)

"There's enough blame to go around for everyone. Big

unions, bad management, lack of research. . . ."

›

share. Clearly, we will never dominate
world markets again, because other low-
wage nations have learned good lessons
about marketing and mass production
from us.

The question is, will we be innovative
enough to beat our new competition? I'm
afraid not. Our inability to meet the
demands of international competition is
seen particularly in capital-intensive,
high-volume industries. The U.S. propor-
Чоп of world automobile sales has de-
clined by one third since 1963; sales of
industrial machines have declined by one
third, agricultural machinery by 40 per-
cent, telecommunications by 50 percent,
metalworking machinery by 55 percent.
Goods are being made wherever they can
be made cheapest, regardless of national
boundaries. In the past ten years, America
has spent 318 billion dollars more on for-
eign goods than we have received for our
products abroad. Unless we find ways to
improve our productivity, a U.S. worker,
at, say, $15 an hour, can’t compete with
workers in the many nations that pay 50
cents or one dollar an hour. And we cer-
tainly can’t compete with the Japanese
when our capital expenditure per worker
is $250 and theirs is $650. A South Ko-
rean steelworker makes one eleventh the
wage of a U.S. steelworker. It would seem
unavoidable that the most efficient places
for mass production of standardized com-
modities in the coming years will be Third
World countries.

There’s enough blame to go around for
everyone. Big unions, bad management,
lack of research and development, too little
attention paid to productivity—all play a
role. But, more than any other factor, we
simply find that our insulated continental
market place has turned into a cannibalis-
tic international one in which we’re com-
peting with countries with highly skilled,
low-priced labor. Jobs Row toward cheap
skilled labor.

It’s hard to find a scenario that restores
the United States’ shrinking share of the
world economy, especially with an over-
valued dollar that effectively puts a tax on
all our exports. I predict that we'll contin-
ue to lose many high-paying industrial
jobs to the Third World and will replace
them with lower-paying service-economy
jobs, И we're able to replace them at all.
Right now, the 20 fastest-growing new
jobs in the U.S. pay annual wages that
average $5000 /ess than those 20 occupa-
tions in the steepest decline.

Nineteen ninety-four will see the U.S.
with а substantially reduced middle class,
and we will have moved toward a two-
class society.

If we fail to increase our productivity
and develop new international markets for
our manufactured goods, we won't be able
to offer our children high-paying jobs in
commerce and industry and, as a result,
we'll have a greater gap between rich and
poor. I predict that by 1994, the U.S. will
have less of the middle class upon which
our democracy was founded. We will have
moved toward a society of two classes, the
rich and the poor; and, as we have seen in
other countries, a marked difference be-
tween rich and poor leads all too often to
social unrest. The middle class serves as a
bridge between the haves and the have-
nots. If it goes, so goes political stability.

‘THE WORK REVOLUTION

Nineteen ninety-four will see a bitter
battle over a shrinking number of jobs.

For millions of Americans, job opportu-
nities are being destroyed by the combined
pressures of automation, international
competition and obsolescence. Dr. Gail
Garfield Schwartz and William Neikirk,
in their book The Work Revolution, pre-
dict that after 1990, it will take perhaps 75
percent of the work force to do 100 percent
of the work. We'll have more people than
we have jobs, a terrifying imbalance.

‘The technological revolution will bring
both good news and bad. We'll have jobs
for highly skilled workers but not for
semiskilled ones. American workers are
vulnerable to foreign imports because our
market place is wide open and foreign
goods are cheap and of high quality. And
at the same time we're losing jobs, a con-
stant stream of American women into the
work force, as well as the human tide of
illegal immigrants, will further increase
the number of people seeking employ-
ment. Also, evidence shows that Ше
elderly, pushed by economic need, will
work longer, thereby occupying jobs that
won't turn over as fast as in the past.

Nineteen ninety-four will clearly see
America move into a new world of
the structurally unemployed. More and
more occupations will require fewer and
fewer workers to produce more and more
goods and work. Layoffs of the future will
become attributable less and less to tempo-
rary recession or inevitable business cycles
and more and more to permanent work
dislocation. Technology and international
competition are shrinking jobs at just the
time many new job seekers are trying to

enter the American economy.

Dr. Schwartz and Neikirk predict,
“The coming job crisis will shauer the
uneasy tranquillity of the American work-
ers. Setting worker against worker, it will
ignite bitter wars between the old and the
young, between men and women, between
white and nonwhite, between native-born
and new arrival.” Essentially, then, we're
moving toward a time when the economy
won't be able to incorporate ай the people
who are desperately seeking work. The
US. will see its first long-lasting job
crunch.

CITIES: OUR SOCIAL TIME BOMBS

I predict that 1994 will see American
cities largely full of angry, frustrated and
unemployed minorities who will substan-
tially change the face of urban America.

My first job out of law school was as a
lawyer for Colorado’s Anti-Discrimina-
tion Commission. My wife marched in
Selma, Alabama. We had a great dream of
an integrated society, a dream that, far
from being fulfilled, is sliding backward.

A study by the Joint Center for Politi-
cal Studies shows that in 1950 in the larg-
est cities in the United States, one public
school student out of ten was a minority;
by 1960, the ratio was one out of three; by
1970, it was one out of two; by 1980, it
was seven out of ten; by 1990, nine out of
ten students in big cities will be minorities.

Many of these minorities live in slums
and squalor with little expectation and lit-
tle hope. Their other social problems are
myriad. Fully 56 percent of all black chil-
dren are being raised in fatherless homes.
Currently, one out of ten children in the
U.S. is supported by Federal Aid to
Dependent Children. Clearly, illegitimate
births know no color line, but a greater
burden is borne by urban minorities. In
Pennsylvania, 66 percent of all black
babies are born out of wedlock; in Dela-
ware, 63 percent; in Washington, D.C., 64
percent; in New York City’s Harlem, 77
percent. Many of their mothers are chil-
dren having children, which perpetuates
a cycle of poverty and frustration. In the
раз! decade, the number of single-parent
families has almost doubled. When you
add the illegitimacy figures to the divorce
figures, you find that one quarter of all
American children under the age of 18 are
now living in one-parent homes. Research
shows that regardless of race, only half of
all teenaged mothers graduate from high
school. Their infants are far more likely to
be born prematurely, with greater risk of
brain damage or other birth defects.

Despite the poor record of assimilation
of our existing minorities into the Ameri-
can mainstream, the massive flow of His-
panics coming in from south of the border
is creating another unassimilated minority

(continued on page 144)

»

; but we feel we

have too much money for that.

"Some people collect miniatures,

Ñ
SS

Хы:

9
И КОЕ,

miss august has her sights set on succeeding in style

ER EYES ARE LIKE PLANETS. They seem larger than life, cinematic, wide-screen. People

see Suzi Schott and assume that they've seen those eyes before. “I’ve been mistaken

for Marie Osmond, for the girl in Flashdance, Jane Fonda and Mackenzie Phillips.
I don’t mind people’s making a comparison, as long as they don’t dwell on it. Really, now.
Mackenzie Phillips?” The waitress comes up to our table and asks, “Aren’t you Brian
De Palma’s wife?” “See what I mean?” We tell her that will change when she becomes a
Playmate and the August issue is on the stands. She will be Miss August 1984 forever. In
fact, someone passing through the PLAvsov offices recognized Suzi when he got a look at her
layout: "She's the girl who lives in the high-rise across from me. I see her swimming all the
time.” Already, she is famous.

“I think I know who you're talking about,” Suzi told us. "There's this guy who walks
around his apartment with binoculars, in his underwear, singing to himself and playing air
guitar. At least I think that's what he's doing." Suzi has rather strong notions about who she
is and how she wants to be approached. When she first came to Chicago, she worked in a
singles bar on Division Street. “The guys who came there were like Genghis Khan on a
business trip. It was ‘Hey, babe, get me a J. & B. and water.’ They were Johnny Dance-
alottas with million-dollar tastes and five-dollar wallets. The kind of people who hang
out there think Flashdance should have won the Academy Award. It’s all ‘I'll take you

"I don't feel famous. I’m excited by being a Playmate. I feel glamorous, but also
feel like one of the guys. I don’t want to leave anyone behind. You can look at a pic-
ture of someone forever without talking to her. I don’t want to be isolated.”

GATEFOLD PHOTOGRAPHY BY DAVID MECEY
ADDITIONAL PHOTOGRAPHY BY POMPEO POSAR

“И was PLAYBOY's idea to do our shooting
on the Paquet French Cruise liner S.S.
Rhapsody. We were treated royally. I
had a stateroom with unlimited closet
space, which was odd, since I wouldn’t
be wearing clothes in the pictorial.”

“The other passengers on board ship were a delight. They were all from the same
trailer park. Everyone knew one another, so the cruise ship was like a small town.
People treated me like a celebrity. But we had to shoot at sunrise and sunset, so I went
to bed early. The boat visited Cozumel and Playa del Carmen, Mexico; Grand Cay-
man; and Ocho Ries in Jamaica.” Shipboard activities also offered a source of enter-
tainment. “I played roulette, but only for the camera. We had a masquerade ball
one night and I went as a cancan girl. You should have seen me dance.” Later, she
relaxed at railside, talking with one of the dealers from the ship’s casino (below).

here, ГЇЇ show you there.’ Those
same people, when they hear I'm
a Playmate, get nervous and re-
spectful, as though I were a
different person. What И car-
penters were as famous as
Playmates? Look, I called up my
mom and told her that I was
Miss August. She said, ‘That’s
fine. Do you want to know what
I bought at Venture today? "
"That perspective helps Suzi keep
her feet on the ground.

She grew up in Addison, Ші-
mois, a very small town just
outside Chicago. After a two-
year stint as an executive secre-
tary, she came to town to try out
modeling. She is an energetic
explorer of the city: “I wanted to
develop a personal style, to get
into places where no onc else
goes—new restaurants, new
clubs, new stores.” Her educa-
tion is a two-way process. She
believes that restaurants should
be made aware of individual
eccentricities. “I will go into a
restaurant and order a root beer
or a Dr. Brown’s black-cherry
soda. Maybe next time they will
stock it.” She showed the same
initiative with her modeling ca-
reer. When approached Бу
PLAYBOY Associate Staff Pho-
tographer David Mecey, she
said, “Why not?” A test led to
this pictorial and to lots of as-
signments around town from
Playboy Models. She landed a
job with a women’s store in
order to sharpen skills in her
first love—fashion design. She
has developed her own style in
dress—she looks as good on the
street as she does without
clothes: a knockout. As the din-
ner progresses, some of her hu-
mor becomes evident. “If I had
to choose between chuckles and
orgasms, I would choose chuck-
les. You can remember some-
thing funny and laugh again
How often do you remember
something sexy and have an or-
gasm?” She has no dreams of
Hollywood. “I wish my parents
had forced me to take music les-
sons, dance, tap, computer, any-
thing. But as it is, РП make the
best of what I am.” And what
she is is eclectic. When you ask
her for a list of favorite movies, it
includes Papillon, All That Jazz,
any Albert Brooks movie and
Dastardly and Mutley in Their
Flying Machines, a TV cartoon
about a dog who squeaks as he
laughs. So take a good look. This
is Suzi Schott, one of a kind.

Suzi enjoys ап active physical Ше. Skiing, on water and snow, is her favorite
sport, but even a shipboard jog gets the heart pumping. However, she drew the
line at high diving at the Rock House in Negril (right): “Мо way.” Her
favorite part of the trip was cavorting in a waterfall near Ocho Rios (below).
“This was one way to keep cool. It was a nice taste of the islands. I hated going
shopping, though. Next ите, Га rather be on my own sailboat and explore at
my own pace. All that running around in make-up finally got to me. I had to
bring myself down. You should see the geek pictures, where I’m making faces.”

"Treally enjoyed this shooting. I feli sexy because I knew it would look sexy. I hada tan. Whenever I have a tan, I look better.
Hey, I looked this good every day, but take my word for it: You're getting the best here. This was how I cooled off."

Р

irt in bed? Do Lact silly? Not
ch as in these shots. For one
Idon't hide behind the sheet

на 16 in the room.
до have our own games.”

“When I had a night job, I was a zombie ай day, but now that Pm working real hours, I do my relaxing at night. I like to
lie back and think about exotic places. Pm going to Marion, Indiana, in a week, but I don't think that quali

А ичет OF me омин

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PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES

The guy 1 dated tonight turned out to be a
ist," reported the girl
‘ou mean literally—whips and that sort of
thing?” asked her roommate.
“Worse than that! The creep screwed me with
a four-inch penis and then French-kissed me
goodbye with an eight-inch tongue!”

We understand that a women's magazine with
a substantial lesbian readership will soon con-
tain an advertisement for heavy-duty dildos
called Maxi Puds.

There's а lot of business sentiment in favor of
using part of our public beach for nude bathing
by tourists,” a member of the town council
pointed out, “but we may get a lot of unfavorable
publicity if we refer to it as a nude beach.”

“In that case,” weighed in a colleague, “why
not call it ‘the buffer zone?”

Fads certainly breed fads. The hottest-selling
item in sex shops today is the new inflatable

Cabbage Snatch doll.

| was ага cocktail party that a man stated, “A
woman's hair is her greatest asset."

“I disagree," grumbled a second fellow. “It’s
her smile."

“No, no—it's her bustline,” insisted a third.

“Excuse me, you guys, but I'm leaving,” said
the sole female in the group, “before one of you
gets down to the truth.”

A woman has petitioned 10 have her former
husband declared in contempt of court. It seems
that he approached her as both were leaving the
divorce tribunal with a request for a farewell

quickie.

Said the surgeon, "I drink, Mrs. Buck,
So we're both of us really in luck

Since your sexual cavern

1s as big as a tavern,
What I plan is to nip . . . and then tuck.”

Our Unabashed Dictionary defines laying rub-
ber as a condom.

But how сап we be sure,” the parks commis-
sioner mused in a staff meeting, “that those kids
who make out in the bushes will understand that
what the proposed UNSEEMLY PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF
AFFECTION STRICTLY PROHIBITED signs actually
mean is NO FUCKING?”

When һе phoning obscenely, old Potts
Gives a spinster who'll listen the hots
By describing how whangs
Shoot a wad during bangs!
He's a kink who likes calling the shots.

Our Unabashed Dictionary defines well-hung
G.O.P. member as a banana Republican.

ln а bold new remake of Snow White, we've
been told, the queen will chant, “Mirror, mirror,
оп the ceiling. . .."

Ала then there was the Spaniard who hoped
that a sex-change operation would improve his
love life . . . and, sure enough, it turned him into
a regular Doña Juanita.

Frankly, it wasn't that memorable a wedding
night,” the bride confided to a friend. “In fact,

Charley's cork popped before the champagne's.

The big-rig operator stopped to pick up the girl
hitchhiker in short shorts.

"Say, what's your name, mister?" she in-
quired after she'd climbed into the cab.

“It's Snow—Roy Snow," he answered, “and
what's yours?”

“Ме, Рт June— June Hanson,” she said.

"Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with
those sidelong glances?” she challenged the
trucker some miles down the road.

"Can you imagine what it might be like," he
countered with a question of his own, "having
eight inches of Snow in June?”

Heard a funny one lately? Send it on а post-
card, please, to Party Jokes Editor, PLAYBOY,
Playboy Bldg., 919 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago,
Il. 60611. 850 wall be paid to the contributor
whose card 15 selected. Jokes cannot be returned.

“This is what I like about swimming . . . every muscle comes into play!”

ni

he stared into his glass and hoped to see the
answer to the murder, but the answer wasn't there

a matt scudder mystery

LAWRENCE BLOCK

ALL THIS HAPPENED a long time ago.

Abe Beame was living in Gracie Man-
sion, though even he seemed to have trou-
ble believing he was really the mayor of
the city of New York. Ali was in his
prime, and the Knicks still had a year or
зо left in Bradley and DeBusschere. I was
still drinking in those days, of course, and
at the time it seemed to be doing more for
me than it was doing to me.

1 had already left my wife and kids, my
home in Syosset and the N.Y.P.D. I was
living in the hotel on West 57th Street
where I still live, and I was doing most of
my drinking around the corner in Jimmy
Armstrong’s saloon. was the night-
time bartender. A Filipino youth named
Dennis was behind the stick most days.

And Tommy Tillary was one of the
regulars.

He was big, probably 6/2", full in the
chest, big in the belly, too. He rarely
showed up in a suit but always wore a
jacket and Че, usually a navy or Burgundy
blazer with gray-fiannel slacks or white
duck pants in warmer weather. He had a
loud voice that boomed from his barrel
chest and a big, clean-shaven face that was
innocent around the pouting mouth and
knowing around the eyes. He was some-
where in his late 40s and he drank a lot of
top-shelf Scotch. Chivas, as I remember it,
but it could have been Johnnie Black.
Whatever it was, his face was beginning to
Show it, with patches of permanent flush
at the cheekbones and a tracery of broken
capillaries across the bridge of the nose.

We were saloon friends. We didn’t
speak every time we ran into each other,
but at the least we always acknowledged
each other with a nod or a wave. He told a
lot of dialect jokes and told them reason-

112 ably well, and I laughed at my share of

them. Sometimes I was in a mood to remi-
nisce about my days on the force, and
when my stories were funny, his laugh
was as loud as anyone’s.

Sometimes he showed up alone, some-
times with male friends. About a third of
the time, he was in the company of a short
and curvy blonde named Carolyn. “Caro-
lyn from the Caro-line” was the way he
occasionally introduced her, and she did
have a faint Southern accent that became
more pronounced as the drink got to her.

Then, one morning, I picked up the
Daily News and read that burglars had
broken into a house on Colonial Road, in
the Bay Ridge section of Brooklyn. They
had stabbed to death the only occupant
present, one Margaret Tillary. Her hus-
band, Thomas J. Tillary, a salesman, was
not at home at the time.

I hadn't known Tommy was a salesman
or that he'd had a wife. He did wear a
wide yellow-gold band on the appropriate
finger, and it was clear that he wasn't
married to Carolyn from the Caroline,
and it now looked as though he was a
widower. I felt vaguely sorry for him,
vaguely sorry for the wife Га never even
known of, but that was the extent of it. I
drank enough back then to avoid feeling
any emotion very strongly.

And then, two or three nights later, I
walked into Armstrong's and there was
Carolyn. She didn't appear to be waiting
for him or anyone else, nor did she look as
though she'd just breezed in a few minutes
ago. She had a stool by herself at the bar
and she was drinking something dark
from а lowball glass.

I took a seat a few stools down from her.
I ordered two double shots of bourbon,
drank one and poured the other into the
black coffee Billie brought me. I was sip-
ping the coffee when a voice with a Pied-

ILLUSTRATION BY WILL NELSON

BY THE
DAWNS
EARLY
LIGHT

mont softness said, “I forget your name.”

I looked up.

“I believe we were introduced," she
said, “but I don’t recall your name.”

“It’s Matt,” I said, “and you're right,
Tommy introduced us. You’re Carolyn.”

“Carolyn Cheatham. Have you seen
him?”

“Tommy? Not since it happened.”

“Neither have I. Were you-all at the
funeral?”

“No. When was it?”

“This afternoon. Neither was I. There.
Whyn’t you come sit next to me so’s I
don’t have to shout. Please?”

She was drinking a sweet almond
jueur that she took on the rocks. It tastes
like dessert, but it’s as strong as whiskey.

“He told me not to come,” she said. “To
the funeral. He said it was a matter of
respect for the dead.” She picked up her
glass and stared into it. I've never known
what people hope to see there, though it’s
a gesture I’ve performed often enough
myself.

“Respect,” she said. “Whats he care
about respect? I would have just been
part of the office crowd; we both work at
Tannahill; far as anyone there knows,
we're just friends. And all we ever were is
friends, you know."

"Whatever you say."

“Oh, shit," she said. “I don't mean I
wasn’t fucking him, for the Lord's sake. I
mean it was just laughs and good times.
He was married and he went home to
Momma every night and that was jes’ fine,
because who in her right mind'd want
Tommy Tillary around by the dawn's
early light? Christ in the foothills, did 1
spill this or drink it?"

We agreed she was drinking them a lit-
tle too fast. It was this fancy New York
sweet-drink (continued on page 128)

Ej

20 QUESTIONS: KURT RUSSELL

this ballplayer-turned-actor swings hard at umpires and
the press—and tells how he got to first base with goldie hawn

ooking tough and comfortable in jeans,

T-shirt and boots, а chain-smoking
Kurt Russell sprawled on a small chair in
the office of an. L.A. publicity firm that
once represented his girlfriend, Goldie
Hawn. Although then onscreen in "Silk-
wood” and now appearing in “Swing
Shift” (co-starring Hawn), Russell does
not like to overdo his press exposure. But
according to Contributing Editor David
Rensin, who sat opposite him, “He quick-
ly began to enjoy himself, firing off opin-
tons on everything from the foibles of his
generation to the designated-hitter contro-
versy. He also seems very much in love.”

1.

PLAYBOY: Many actors have gotten politi-
cal mileage out of the nuclear controversy.
After your role in Silkwood, is it an issue
on which you take a stand?

RUSSELL: Not really. Гус learned some
technical things from Silkwood that have
slightly altered my opinion on the subject.
But Pm still a great believer in nuclear
power plants. It's a perfect sort of energy,
only there аге two problems. The first—to
make the plants technically correct and
safe by following all the rules and regula-
tions—can be solved. The other problem
is not immediately solvable. Nuclear
waste is put into plastic bags and stuff and
is buried and is alive and radioactive for
250,000 years! We just don’t know if we
have anything that can contain it for that
long. So what we have is something with
great potential on which we haven't yet
closed the book. We don’t know how to
put this monster to sleep. Until we do, we
shouldn’t play with it. However, I have
tremendous faith that we can find a way.

2.

PLAYBOY: Compare real Ше and the
movies.

RUSSELL: There is no comparison. The fun
in films is when every so often you can hit
that magical spot of being so real as to
create the illusion that it’s real. That’s
what is to be admired, not the reality of
what is being watched. It’s a fine line. The
idea is to tread that line, and any movie
that can is most satisfying to me. Whether
or not Silkwood dealt with real life—
whether or not we tried to do it as close to
real life as possible—is irrelevant. It's still
only a movie. But the appreciation level
changes according to how real you can be,
and I try to be as goddamn real as I can. I
want to suspend the audience’s reality.

PHOTOGRAPHY EY MOSHE BRAKHA

33

PLAYBOY: You did that with your critically
acclaimed portrayal of Elvis. Where did it
all go wrong for him?

RUSSELL: ГА worked with him and knew
him, but I won't pretend to understand
Elvis' life or to know how much of thc
various biographies are true. I really don't
care. His story is long and complicated,
but one thing is explainable: At a certain
point in life, he realized there was nothing
he could do wrong. People were nct going
to let him not be Elvis. He was Elvis no
matter what. And that's probably the most
horrible thing to realize. Whatever void
that leads to is probably impossible to fill.

4.

PLAYBOY: How do you handle your high-
pressure job?

RUSSELL: I disagree with the assumption.
There's no pressure at all in this business.
Pressure is the winning run on third base
and you at the plate and 40,000 people
screaming and then you getting jammed
by the pitch and grounding out weakly to
third and everyone groaning and booing.
The Olympics is pressure. Politics at the
high-stakes level is pressure. Medicine,
where you’ve got a guy on the operating
table who’s going to live or die by what
you do, is pressure. Standing in front of a
camera and getting deeply involved in
exposing another person is not pressure.
It’s interesting and fun and sometimes dis-
appointing. But not pressure.

Б.

вълувок: When did you finally get an hon-
est day's pay for an honest day's work?

RUSSELL: On a paper route I had when 1
was nine. I got up at four АМ. and finished
at 6:30. I must have gone to 60 or 70
houses. After a month, when I went
around and collected my moncy, I knew
why. I had the paper route because I
wanted ten-speed bikes for me and my sis-
ter. After six months, I realized that it
would take me two years of delivering
papers. That's how I got into acting. My
dad [former baseball player and actor
Bing Russell] was up for a picture that
Mickey Mantle and Roger Maris were
Eoing to be in. It had a part for a ten-
year-old. I thought, This is it! I could meet
Mantle and Maris and make enough to
buy both bikes with only about six weeks’
work. I called my dad's agent and went on
the interview but didn't get the job. But I

discovered that I enjoyed the interview—
which I hadn't expected. Eventually, I did
get some work on a TV show called Our
Man Higgins. 1 liked it and I figured that
Га just keep going, make a few bucks and
see what happened.

6.

PLAYBOY: You also ended up playing
years of minor-league baseball. Where
do you stand on the designated-hitter
controversy?

RUSSELL: As much as I think it’s been
fantastic to extend the careers of record
makers, I disagree with the concept of put-
ting in a hitter. It’s trying to solve the
problem of run production for a television
audience. Pitchers are 11 percent of a
team’s hitting power, but the teams don’t
make them hit. I say make the mother-
fuckers take batting practice. Letting the
pitcher hit adds variables to a game that’s
made up of variables. It makes the man-
ager have to deal with the situation. Hav-
ing played so much baseball, Гуе come to
the conclusion that after a certain point,
most guys are basically of the same physi-
cal ability. But what’s truly interesting
about the game is the mental aspect:
They've got Joe Blow in the Бий pen and
it’s the seventh inning and they're only
two runs down. What should they do? Рт
interested in what can be done with
moves, in giving the American baseball
audience something to second-guess. The
more you take away from the fans the
ability to second-guess, the more you hurt
the game.

ro

PLAYBOY: Jocks are notorious practical jok-
ers. What's your most memorable prank?
RUSSELL: Jeez, we had some great ones, but
this is the best. A guy I knew was pitching
a no-hitter in the ninth inning and the
batter hit a grounder to the shortstop, who
threw to first and got the runner by two
steps. But the ump at first called him safe
and blew the no-hitter. Well, the pitcher
hated the ump anyway, and after the
game, he was thinking of how he could get
the guy. About a week later, the pitcher
caught the clap. And a week after that, we
were scheduled to have the same ump. So
the pitcher figured out a plan, and I,
another guy and the pitcher carried it out.
Actually, it wasn’t funny. It was awful.
But I felt sorry for the pitcher, because he
would have (continued on page 159)

15

PLAYBOY'S

PRO FOOTBALL

PREVIEW

sports By ANSON MOUNT
RIMEMBER cs pro football was fun? A
brisk autumn afternoon spent yelling
for the home team; tail-gate parties
before and after the game; heated argu-
ments in the corner tavern about who
was the best linebacker. Players were
superstuds or duds; coaches were om-
nipotent or impotent. If the home team
won the Super Bowl, we enjoyed an off
season of celestial bliss. If it lost, we
waited sullenly for Next Year.

What do we read about in the sports
pages now? Arrogant kids and their
avaricious agents demanding—and get-
ting—multimillion-dollar guarantees
for a few years of part-time work. Point
spreads. Acrimonious court battles be-
tween franchises and city governments.

Greed and egocentricity have taken
their tolls in all enterprises, from the
Roman Empire to De Lorean Motors.
Those same ills are now threatening

an early line on teams
and players in both
conferences of the n.f.l.

The Raiders made January
22, 1984, a red-letter дау
for blackhearted guys Ьу
ripping the Redskins to
shreds in Super Bowl XVIII.

PLAYBOY'S 1984 PRE-SEASON ALL-PRO TEAM

OFFENSE

James Lofton, Green Bay.
Roy Green, St. Louis . . Wide Receiver
Doug Cosbie, Dallas....... ... Tight End
Anthony Munoz, Cincinnati . а ..Таскіе
Joe Jacoby, Washington... . . . Tackle
Chris Hinton, Indianapolis . . .. Guard
Kent Hill, Los Angeles Rams . . Guard
Dwight Stephenson, Miami . . . .... Center
Joe Montana, San Francisco -Quarterback
Walter Payton, Chicago .... ... Running Back
Eric Dickerson, Los Angeles Rams. . Running Back
Gary Anderson, Pittsburgh . . -Place Kicker

.... Wide Receiver

DEFENSE

Lee Roy Selmon, Tampa Bay .. Теа Епа
Doug Betters, Miami Е Ж. End
Randy White, Dallas .... .. Tackle
Dave Butz, Washington . 3 .. Tackle
Jack Lambert, Pittsburgh . .. -Middle Linebacker
Hugh Green, Tampa Bay . ... Outside Linebacker
Lawrence Taylor, New York Giants . „Outside Linebacker
Everson Walls, Dallas........ Зосе Cornerback
Mike Haynes, Los Angeles Raiders .. Cornerback
Nolan Cromwell, Los Angeles Rams. . .. Free Safety
Kenny Easley, Seattle . 3 . Strong Safety
Rich Camarillo, New England

Billy Johnson, Atlanta .

Bill Bates, Dallas

THIS SEASON’S WINNERS

Miami Dolphins
. . -Cleveland Browns
. Los Angeles Raiders

A.F.C. Western Division

A.F.C. Champion . . . . Miami Dolphins

N.F.C. Eastern Division.
N.F.C. Central Division .
МЕС. Western Division ....... apoóuo

-Washington Redskins
. . -Green Bay Packers
San Francisco 49ers

N.F.C. Champion. . . .San Francisco 49ers

ALL THE MARBLES. . . . SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS

professional football, and their exemplars
are several of the more visible owners of
N.F.L. franchises. There are a few sane
owners still around—Lamar Hunt and
Hugh Culverhouse, for example—but
their influence is diminishing.

Back in 1980, I filled this space with а
warning about bad owners, thinking a
solution might be near at hand. Now it’s
time to sound the air-raid sirens in the
luxury boxes; in four yezrs, things have
only gotten worse.

The N.F.L's founding owners were
enterprising entrepreneurs such as George
Halas and Art Rooney, who tried to sur-
vive financially while building pro sports
into an entertainment business. Halas
once paid a Chicago station to televise a
Bears game. When pro football became a
national obsession, however, the predators
moved in. It wasn’t just a matter of bucks;
it was also the call of ego fulfillment
Scores of superrich but otherwise unenvia-
ble slobs began coveting pro football fran-
chises. Then they began buying them up.

In any healthy free-enterprise system,
there are a few people who would under
ordinary circumstances be well-adjusted
garbage collectors but whose avaricious
instincts combine with fortuitous business
coups to make them fabulously wealthy.
They live in pretentious mansions but are
personally obscure. Waiters ignore them.
Bank presidents love them, but bank tell-
ers don’t recognize their names. Their
thirst for fame and adulation grows and
grows.

So they buy a football team and sudden-
ly they’re Somebody. Almost every day,
they make headlines. Waiters and tellers
are obsequious. People ask for auto-
graphs. It’s the ultimate ego trip.

But rarely is an N.F.L. franchise avail-
able, which explains the hungry money
poured into the formation of the U.S.F.L.
two years ago.

The flaky-owner problem also exists in
other professional sports. “Baseball own-
ers are the toughest set of ignoramuses
anyone could ever come up against,” says
former baseball commissioner A. B.
“Happy” Chandler. “Refreshingly dumb
fellows: greedy, shortsighted and stupid.”

Commissioner Chandler, happily for
him, never had to deal with Atlanta
Braves owner Ted Turner. Yankees own-
er George Steinbrenner is another em-
barrassment to many of his peers. At the
major-league-baseball convention in Nash-
ville last winter, Steinbrenner’s preening
before television cameras reminded ob-
servers of Muammar el-Qaddafi.

Why is the powerful, often destructive
influence of franchise owners so little
known to the average fan? Because both
sportswriters and coaches are effectively
muzzled by owners.

Sportswriters are beneficiaries of the
generous hospitality of pro franchises.

(continued on page 122)

“Oh, wonderful, Gengo! That mirror on the ceiling really helps!”

119

join playmate penny baker for the inside scoop on how to get more
creative mileage from today’s point-and-shoot automatic cameras

SNAP DECISIONS

modern living

By DON SUTHERLAND

FTER MONTHS of traveling and

modeling for PLAYBOY, Playboy

Models and Playboy Video Pro-

ductions, it’s no surprise that

our 30th Anniversary Playmate,
Penny Baker, one day insisted that turn-
about was fair play. Since she had spent
countless hours in front of the lens, why
couldn't she spend a day or two making
snap decisions while hanging out at
Playboy Mansion West? Never one to
refuse a lady and sensing that there might
be an interesting story in the works, we
equipped Penny with five brand-new
cameras that list for $300 or less and 1014
her to snap away. Our premise was that
you can be just as creative—and have just
as much fun—with an inexpensive camera
as with one that’s a wallet buster. Most
snap shooters are photojournalists. They
do not construct elaborate sets and spend
hours carefully lighting them. Rather,
they excerpt slices of the reality around
them and commit to permanence an in-
stant from the flow of events.

Any professional photojournalist worth
his f-stops knows that the decisive mo-
ment—the one that is most succinct and
eloquent—announces its own coming. It
can happen anywhere without much ad-
vance notice. You need a ready eye and a

quick finger on the release.
“Anywhere” is the domain of many
cameras nowadays—all those anywheres
you never dared to take your camera
before: the beach (salt and sand are your
camera's enemies), the ski trail, the bath.
Getting squeaky clean with someone can
be ticklish, but would you risk your cam-
era to photograph the consequences? You
can with a tidy little instrument called the
Fujica HD-S. It's Fuji’s all-weather cam-
era, specially sealed to be water-resistant.
It's not really an underwater camera such
as a scuba diver would take into the briny,
but a Fuji spokesman affirmed that it is
watertight to a depth of 18 inches.
Snowbanks, the nitty-gritty of the sea-
shore, a dust storm on the veld and other
environments interesting to people but
unfriendly to cameras are likewise the
domain of the HD-S. For all its mastery
of nature, this camera, like all those fea-
tured in this article, is a fully automatic
aim-and-shooter. Automatic programed
exposure control responds immediately to
prevailing light. If things get dim, the
built-in flash is ready in moments. The
f/2.8 lens has a 38mm focal length, giving
it a moderately wide-angle view—an asset
when two or more occupy someplace con-
fining, such as (continued on page 196)

Opposite page: Surrounded by a candid sampling of snapshots, our slick click, 30th
Anniversary Playmate Penny Baker, is off and shooting using a stable of inexpensive
automatic cameras. Hanging around her neck—as if you haven't noticed —is Minol-
ta's X-570, a quartz/clectronically governed 35mm single-lens-reflex auto-exposure
model with automatic and full-metered-manual operation, $268 for the body; $153
for a 50mm £/1.4 lens. In her right hand (at far left) is the Nikon L35AF One Touch,
with automatic film load, rewind and advance, plus active infrared narrow beam
focusing for quick operation even in low-light conditions, $210. Penny's also holding
in her right hand Canon’s T50, with a 50mm #/1.8 lens, automatic features galore
and shutter spceds from two scconds to onc thousandth of a sccond, about $300. In
her other hand (at near left) are Fujica’s rough-and-ready HD-S, a water-resistant
camera that’s at home from the mountains to the oceans to your own cozy shower
stall (naughty you), $285; and the Pentax Sport 35, with ex] tion
button for back-lighted subjects, electronic self-timer and pop-up auto flash, $169.

PHOTOGRAPHY BY BRUCE AYRES

121

PLAYBOY

122

PRO FOOTBALL PREVIEW

(continued from page 118)

“The only sure thing about the Colts’ first season in
Indianapolis is that they won't win many games."

"They travel free on team planes. They get
passes to comfortable press boxes, where
they're served lavish spreads of food and
booze. They get access to training facilities
and locker rooms. All of those privileges
can be withdrawn at a moment’s notice, at
the owner's whim. And sportswriters, like
ordinary people, have to make a living.

Coaches can verbally assault players,
officials, fans, opposing coaches—anyone
except franchise owners. An unspoken
agreement existed for decades (until the
emergence of irresistible target Robert
Irsay, owner of the now Indianapolis
Colts) that any coach who made a negative
comment about an owner would be forever
blackballed by the N.F.L. Venerable
coach Sid Gillman once unloaded his frus-
trations about an owner onto me but
called the next morning to say, “Please
don't quote me or ГЇЇ never get another job
in the league."

Where can we look for a solution to the
owner problem? How about Green Bay,
Wisconsin? There is a growing sentiment
among civic leaders across the country in
favor of confiscating (it's called the right of
eminent domain) sports franchises. If cit-
ies can own zoos, aquariums and sta-
diums, why can’t they own their own
sports franchises? Therc is now only one
such civic-ownership arrangement in the
N.F.L.—Green Bay Packers, Inc., is a
publicly held corporation, with 1788
shareholders, and for decades it has been a
model of stability and success. Packers
fans, who are among the most loyal in the
country, feel their team really belongs to
them, because it does. Best of all, they
aren't subjected to the obnoxious postur-
ings of an arrogant and greedy owner.

But while we wait—impatienly—for
the inevitable civic take-overs of many
other franchises, let’s look at this year’s
prospects for the various teams.

EASTERN DIVISION
AMERICAN FOOTBALL CONFERENCE

New England Patriots -
New York Jets ....
Bufialo Bils ........
Indianapots Colis ...-...........

Miami is a prime candidate for Super
Bowl honors. The Dolphins have a bril-
liant young quarterback (Dan Marino),
an equally talented young receiver (Mark
Duper, who got much less credit last year
than he deserved) and a squad laden with
veterans in their prime years.

The Dolphins’ only discernible weak-

ness is their defense against the run, due
primarily to a dearth of linebacker talent.
That need should be met by two promis-
ing rookies, Jackie Shipp and Jay Brophy.
Another draftee, Dean May, will be
groomed as Marino’s backup.

If the Dolphin defense adjusts to the
change of defensive coordinators (Chuck
Studley replaces Bill Arnsparger), expect
the Dolphins to wind up in Palo Alto for
Super Bowl XIX.

1 the Dolphins flounder, the Patriots
are waiting to claim the spoils. The future
is very bright in New England. The Pats
have a young team that is maturing rap-
idly and has no discernible weaknesses
except place kicking and a sometimes
erratic defensive line.

Patriotism is sky-high, and coach Ron
Myer's work ethic is paying dividends.
Some of the spoiled brats he inherited two
years ago have left; others have grown up.
There was a refreshing lack of bitching
about contracts by players during the off
season.

The Patriots’ major asset, largely unap-
preciated by Boston fans, is a superb
offensive line. 'The defense will be much
improved if a few promising young line-
men can get their act together and if the
linebacking corps (one of the league's best)
can avoid a repeat of last year’s plague of
injuries.

This will be an especially interesting
pre-season for the Patriots as Tony Eason
challenges Steve Grogan for the starting
quarterback job. Both are premium tal-
ents. Their performances will be helped
greatly by the arrival from Nebraska of
superb rookie receiver Irving Fryar.

The Jets’ unprecedented off-season
house cleaning has been so extensive (it
could continue through pre-season work-
outs) that no one is sure who will be play-
ing where. Quarterback Richard Todd,
now a New Orleans Saint, is the most
notable of the players who were shipped
out. He will likely be replaced by Ken
O’Brien, who was the Jets’ number-one
draft pick last year.

The upheaval was partly a matter of
shaking up a complacent squad. Many
Jets had read so many press reports last
August about how they were going to the
Super Bowl that they coasted to a disas-
trous last-place finish in the A.F.C. East.
The trades also brought some valuable
draft choices. Two of the rookies, safety
Russell Carter and defensive end Ron
Faurot, will be immediate starters.

Look for second-year coach Joe Walton
to crack the whip this pre-season. The

Jets will be a more dedicated, more disci-
plined squad.

Nineteen eighty-four will be a year of
uncertainty in Buffalo. Last season, the
Bills had a break-even record despite the
most devastating wave of injuries in club
history. Coach Kay Stephenson did a fine
job despite his inexperience (his only other
head-coaching job had been at a high
school), team morale was rock solid and
the reserves played admirably.

The schedule is tougher this season,
however, and the Bills desperately need a
replacement for defected running back Joe
Cribbs. They also need more beef in the
defensive line.

The draft brought runner Greg Bell
and defensive end Sean McNanie, but the
prize of the Bills’ rookie crop will be
receiver Eric Richardson.

The only sure thing about the Colts’
first season in Indianapolis is that they
won't win many games. No team with
such ordinary talent can be expected to
win in a depressing, insecure and madden-
ing environment. Everything about the
Colts is unstable. By next year, they could
Ье the Peoria Colis. Owner Robert Irsay
has the temperament and charm of a rhi-
noceros with a toothache. He and lawyer
Mike Chernoff are perhaps the most ludi-
crous duo since Laurel and Hardy.

Team morale is in the pits. In one
moment of low comedy last fall, a Balti-
more sportswriter advised linebacker Ver-
non Maxwell, “Don’t let Irsay's racial
slurs bother you. He's just a dumb Chi-
cago Polack who doesn’t know any
better." Well, he should know better.

At best, the Colts will be dull. The
offense will again be a grind-it-out run-
ning attack featuring runner Curtis Dick-
еу and a gutsy offensive line anchored by
Chris Hinton.

"The draft was a bonanza, because the
Colts had acquired many early picks by
trading away rebellious players. Defen-
sive back Leonard Coleman and defensive
tackle Blaise Winter will make immediate
contributions.

But don’t be surprised if, after they look
over the situation in Indianapolis, some
of the Colts’ prize rookies defect to the
Lower Slobbovian Soccer League.

CENTRAL DIVISION
AMERICAN FOOTBALL CONFERENCE
Cleveland Browns .

Pittsburgh Steeler
Houston Oilers
Cincinnati Bengals

Last year, the Browns had an exasper-
ating tendency to win the tough games and
lose the easy ones. That’s a common char-
acteristic of young teams. The Browns
should profit greatly this season from their
own added maturity and the disarray in
the other A.F.C. Central teams.

(continued on page 198)

THE NEW OFFICIAL
‘SCOUT

02811

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WELCOME TO SCOUTING

AREYOU А YOUNG MAN looking to make a good start in the world? Are you ready to meet new challenges and make new friends? Does
your family have a pretax income of more than $100,000? Fine. B.S.A., Inc., has а place for you.

Maybe you heard about scouting from your father or from other scouts, or maybe you just read our ad in The Wall Street
Journal. No matter— scouting is still the great adventure it's always been. B.S.A., Inc., is still devoted to making boys into men,
shaping the leaders of tomorrow and providing competitive return on our investment capital.

The patrol is still the heart of scouting. We recommend that you pick an exciting, distinctive name and a smart letterhead. Many
troops take names from major growth industries — for example, the Silicon Valley Screamers. If you have a problem choosing, consider
retaining the services of a major pollster. Then copyright your choice. If things really take off, consider incorporating the patrol.

You'll need a patrol call that all members will use. Scouts used to make the noises of various endangered species, such as screech
owls or coyotes. We suggest that your troop get an incoming 800 number.

Your patrol leader must be carefully chosen. This scout should be honest and dependable and have high name recognition on
local network affiliates. When he’s in town, your leader will call patrol meetings. However, thanks to developments in camping
software, the patrol of the future is almost here. Soon, you'll be able to teleconference troop meetings and overnights without getting
out of bed.

One other thing: While new scouts believe in kindness, good citizenship and good deeds, they also recognize the need for caution.
Before you help that old lady across the street, get her to sign a B.S.A. liability waiver. Don't get burned.

WELCOME
FROM YOUR SCOUTMASTER

SCOUT OATH

On my honor,
I will do my duty
to stay lithe and well toned,
to help others if convenient,
to suffer but not much,
to keep alert in boutiques,
to be well fed and morally straight.
Have a nice day.

SCOUT LAW

The scout is: liquid, expedient,
management material,
brave without carrying it too far,
centered, together,
ambitious and up-scale.

SCOUT MOTTO

“Be insured.”

There will be no official welcome from

the scoutmaster this year, because we have
just been notified that he has moved to San
Francisco with his friend Randy.

— EDITOR

humor By LLOYD LYNFORD

ARE YOU A
NEW SCOUT?

Tinted contacts

Aviator shades

Kerchief by Cardin

Gold chain
Olive-green
Lacoste shirt

Body by
Soloflex

Digital watch

B.S.A. Standard

ILLUSTRATIONS BY SEYMOUR FLEISHMAN

THE COMPLETE CAMPER

ESSENTIALS:

Valium

Your therapist’s number
White-noise machine
Dioxin purification tablets
B.S.A. Scout Pouch
lead-lined sleeping bag
Amino-acid hair conditioner
ке

со oogoo0no

TOOLS:

DO Sixteen-bit fully programmable
hatchet

Very long extension cord
Geiger counter

Hammer and nails
(including documentation)
Emergency kit:

Baggies

Roach clip

Razor blades

Short straw or dollar bill
Mirror

Airtight vial

е пап

BOOKS:

О How to Beat the SAT

D Winning Through
Intimidatie

D Accessing Your
School's Data Base

COOKING:

Chopsticks (for 12)
Pepper mill

Duck press

Dijon mustard

е н о = EL

YOUR OFFICIAL B.S.A.
BRIEFCASE:

Scout Blanche card
Official B.S.A. pager
FROM THE TENT OF...

memo paper
Glowing-campfire video
cassetle (VHS)
Health-club membership card
Portable wireless phone
Scout document shredder

auna по DX

Check each box as you get
ready for camp. Use a number-
two pencil. You have 30 minutes
to complete this section.

YOUR CAMPSITE

Your patrol may already have a number of favorite campsites. If not, we recommend that you choose a site with its own natural
beauty, near a lake or in the shadow of a mountain. Avoid wet bogs, toxic land-fill areas, old chemical dumps and any terrain that
glows at night. First, you'll need to dig a latrine. This is one of the most humiliating tasks in camping. Assign it to a younger scout

who's easily intimidated. But it's no fun straddling a ditch, no matter who has done the work, so many troops lobby their regional
scout office to arrange a lease/purchase option on a Porta-Flush.

You should post all vital information in a central location. Know the location of the local hospital, the fastest road out, the nearest
decent pizza. It’s a good idea to have somebody set up the video games between some trees

Each troop should post a duty roster. Assign this task to your troop's data-base manager, who's responsible for backing up the
hard disk and for general ledger and payroll. While everybody is setting up camp, now's the time for you to angle for a corner tent next
to the scoutmaster’s.

CAMP-OUT TIPS

Never carry cash on a camp-out. Traveler’s checks are OK, but credit cards are recommended
for an overnight.

Hiking is an essential part of scouting. There are tracking hikes, lost-child hikes, market-
research hikes. Take your manual to identify local flora, fauna and zoning restrictions. By the end of
the day, the aggressive troop will have a detailed survey of the proposed regional mall, including scale
drawings of sewer lines and parking lots. Use red flags to mark the trees worth saving

Canoeing is a skill handed down to us by the Indians. Even the best canoeists must always wear
life jackets. If you plan to canoe on a river near Cleveland or Buffalo, fireproof your jacket in case the
Tiver ignites.

Codes are essential for communications over long distances. From lake shore to mountaintop,
scouts have long used flags, flashlights and smoke signals. We suggest a stand-alone terminal using
RS232 XON/XOFF protocols and a smart MODEM.

The campfire is a B.S.A. institution, a place for song, warm camaraderie and serious power
scouting. Positioning is everything. Put the fire between you and other scouts, and make sure they get
the smoke on their side. If you know the words to the songs, sit near the scoutmaster.

Big-name entertainment is often beyond the troop budget. To entertain yourselves, organize a
couple of skits. And if cash flow is a problem, be smart: Don't demand an advance; go for points in
the movie version.

When it's time to strike your tent and pack your mess kit, make sure to save a few pine needles
and acorns. Without proper documentation, the IRS won't let you write off the camp-out as a
business expense. The B.S.A. Tax Letter recommends that you take a muddy arrowhead to the audit.
It works every time.

MERIT BADGES—YOUR PIECE OF THE ACTION

To advance quickly in scouting, you'll need to master many skills. For attaining them, you'll be rewarded with merit badges. You
must then present those accomplishments in the form of a lucid résumé. One tip: Yes, B.S.A. head-hunters like a diversified résumé,
but if you want to fast-track the scouting game, don't go wasting a lot of time and favors on fringe badges such as beekeeping and
bookbinding. Do confide your ambitions to your scoutmaster. Take him to lunch. Don't talk politics. And when he asks if he can leave
the tip, take him by the elbow and whisper: "Your money's no good here." The following are some useful badges.

Commerce James Watt First Aid,
helps you decide Conservation, Mutual Funds awarded to the Advanced First
whether or not to Law, because the badge for teaches you to Scout who Aid teaches you
pe the it's never too that scout who look like you've can most to recognize
troop in a bull soon to litigate. | auctions off your just heard from successfully herpes in your
t campsite's Dean Witter. disguise a Scoutmaster.
» mineral rights. receding hairline.

Mergers and

Acquisitions, for Fire Satety
Lobbying, the the brave scout тасы you Юю
: only badge that who defends his SE d Ш
Johnnie Walker con ра Donor пор нота: sets your tent on
straight up. d "No:
The aggressive scout
spends after-hours de-
veloping skills to cul-
tivate that special je
пе sais quoi. You'll 4 „ -
need elective badges. -
Remember: Scouting Sushi Nautilus and
is not a hobby; it's a Handling Spa Technique
lifestyle.

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2

PLAYBOY

DAWN’S EARLY LIGHT

(continued from page 112)

“The cops hit their place and found stuff from my

house everywhere they looked.

>»

shit, she maintained, not like Ше bour-
bon she'd grown up оп. You knew where
you stood with bourbon.

1 told her I was a bourbon drinker
myself, and it pleased her to learn this.
Alliances have been forged on thinner
bonds than that, and ours served to propel
us out of Armstrong's, with a stop down
the block for a fifth of Maker's Mark—
her choice—and a four-block walk to her
apartment. There were exposed brick
walls, I remember, and candles stuck in
straw-wrapped bottles, and several travel
posters from Sabena, the Belgian airline.

We did what grownups do when they
find themselves alone together. We drank
our fair share of the Maker's Mark and
went to bed. She made a lot of enthusiastic
noises and more than a few skillful moves,
and afterward she cried some.

A little later, she dropped off to sleep. I
was tired myself, but I put on my clothes
ard sent myself home. Because who in her
right mind'd want Matt Scudder around
by the dawn’s early light?

е

Over Ше next couple of days, I won-
dered every time I entered Armstrong's if
T'd run into her, and each time I was more
relieved than disappointed when I didn’t.
I didn’t encounter Tommy, either, and
that, too, was a relief and in no sense dis-
appointing.

Then, one morning, I picked up the
News and read that they'd arrested а pair
of young Hispanics from Sunset Park for
the Tillary burglary and homicide. The
paper ran the usual photo—two skinny
kids, their hair unruly, one of them trying
to hide his face from the camera, the other
smirking defiantly, and each of them
handcuffed to a broad-shouldered, grim-
faced Irishman in a suit. You didn’t need
the careful caption to tell the good guys
from the bad guys.

Sometime in the middle of the after-
noon, I went over to Armstrong’s for a
hamburger and drank a beer with it. The
phone behind the bar rang and Dennis put
down the glass he was wiping and an-
swered it. “He was here a minute ago,” he
said. “РП see И he stepped out.” Не
covered the mouthpiece with his hand and
looked quizzically at me. “Are you still
here?” he asked. “Or did you slip away
while my attention was diverted?”

“Who wants to know?”

“Tommy Tillary.”

You never know what a woman will
decide to tell a man or how a man will
react to it. I didn’t want to find out, but I

was better off learning over the phone
than face to face. I nodded and took the
phone from Dennis.

I said, “Matt Scudder, Tommy. I was
sorry to hear about your wife.”

“Thanks, Matt. Jesus, it feels like it
happened a year ago. It was what, a
week?”

“At least they got the bastards.”

There was a pause. Then he said, “Je-
sus. You haven’t seen a paper, huh?”

“That’s where I read about it. Two
Spanish kids.”

“You didn’t happen to see this after-
noon's Post.”

“No. Why, what happened? They turn
ош to be clean?”

“The two spics. Clean? Shit, they’re
about as clean as the men’s room in the
Times Square subway station. The cops
hit their place and found stuff from my
house everywhere they looked. Jewelry
they had descriptions of, a stereo that I
gave them the serial number, everything.
Monogrammed shit. I mean, that’s how
clean they were, for Christ’s sake.”

“бо?”

"They admitted the burglary but not
the murder."

""That's соттоп, Tommy."

“Lemme finish, huh? They admitted
the burglary, but according to them it was
a put-up job. According to them, I hired
them to hit my place. They could keep
whatever they got and I'd have everything
out and arranged for them, and in return I
got to clean up on the insurance by over-
reporting the loss."

“What did the loss amount to?"

“Shit, J don’t know. There were twice
as many things turned up in their apart-
ment as I ever listed when I made out a
report. There’s things I missed a few days
after I filed the report and others I didn’t
know were gone until the cops found
them. You don’t notice everything right
away, at least I didn’t, and on top of it,
how could I think straight with Peg dead?
You know?”

“Jt hardly sounds like an insurance set-
up.”

P No, of course it wasn't. How the hell
could it be? All I had was a standard
home-owner's policy. It covered maybe a
third of what I lost. According to them, the
place was empty when they hit it. Peg was
ош.”

“And?”

“And I set them up. They hit the place,
they carted everything away, and I came
home with Peg and stabbed her six, eight

times, whatever it was, and left her there
so it'd look like it happened in а bur-
glary."

“How could the burglars testify that
you stabbed your wife?"

“They couldn't. All they said was they
didn't and she wasn't home when they
were there, and that I hired them to do the
burglary. The cops pieced the rest of it
together."

“What did they do, take you down-
town?”

“No. They came over to the house, it
was carly, I don’t know what time. It was
the first I knew that the spics were
arrested, let alone that they were trying to
do a job on me. They just wanted to talk,
the cops, and at first I talked to them, and
then I started to get the drift of what they
were trying to put onto me. So I said
I wasn't saying anything more without my
lawyer present, and I called him, and he
left half his breakfast on the table and
came over in a hurry, and he wouldn't let
me say a word."

“Ага the cops didn't take you in or
book you?”

"No."

“Did they buy your story?”

“Мо way. I didn’t really tell 'em a story,
because Kaplan wouldn't let me say
anything. They didn't drag me in, because
they don't have a case yet, but Kaplan says
they're gonna be building one if they can.
They told me not to leave town. You
believe it? My wife's dead, the Post head-
line says, ‘QUIZ HUSBAND IN BURGLARY MUR-
DER,’ and what the hell do they think I’m
gonna do? Am I going fishing for fucking
trout in Montana? “Don’t leave town.’
You see this shit on television, you think
nobody in real life talks this way. Maybe
television's where they get it from."

I waited for him to tell me what he
wanted from me. I didn't have long to
wait.

*Why I called," he said, “їз Kaplan
wants to hire a detective. He figured may-
be these guys talked around the neighbor-
hood, maybe they bragged to their friends,
maybe there's a way to prove they did the
killing. He says the cops won't concen-
trate on that end if they're too busy nailing
the lid shut on me."

I explained that I didn't have any offi-
cial standing, that I had no license and
filed no reports.

"That's OK,” he insisted. “I told Kap-
lan what I want is somebody I can trust,
somebody who'll do the job for me. I don't
think they're gonna have any kind of a
case at all, Matt, but the longer this drags
on, the worse it is for me. I want it cleared
up, I want it in the papers that these
Spanish assholes did it all and I had noth-
ing to do with anything. You name a fair
fee and ГЇЇ pay it, me to you, and it can be
cash in your hand if you don't like checks.
What do you say?"

(continued on page 154)

ье

“Welcome to the wonderful world of creative financing!”

Some things just im-
prove with age. Notice
Terry (for left) in a
publicity shot from the
movie Platinum High
School in 1959. Neor
left, she poses poolside
today. "You don't have
to be trapped in ап old
body ot ony age,”
cloims Terry, an exer-
cise nut. "You con stay
youngif you work atit."

now that her secret marriage to howard hughes is out in the open,
terry moore proves she has nothing else to hide

THE MERRIEST WIDOW

currently signs autographs, Terry Moore-Hughes. The day

began with a series of telephone interviews—from Penn-
sylvania, Detroit, even Canada—all with the now-familiar
question, What was Howard Hughes really like? A stretch-
and-tone class, along with a three-mile run on the beach, fol-
lowed, keeping Terry’s 55-year-old body in a shape even a
20-year-old could envy. A quick shower and she was ready to
greet a writer from Us magazine, who probed and pried into her
past life with you know who. Next came a high-level confab
with executives from Pocket Books, the publishers of The
Beauty and the Billionaire, Terry’s book about her favorite
subject. Later, she met with her publicist to discuss her plan
to pilot a jet around the world as a tribute to ... yup, you
guessed it. After still another interview appointment—this one

I: HAD BEEN another busy day for Terry Moore, or, as she

f
ү

in

with a PLAYBOY staffer for the piece you're reading—she was
scheduled for an cvening songwriting session with composer
Jerry Goldstein. They hope the result will be the theme to
the TV movie based on Terry’s book.

Some 35 years after their secret marriage aboard a yacht and
eight years after his death, Howard Hughes is still the main
topic of conversation around the Moore household. For years, he
was a subject she discussed in whispers, but since that fateful day
in 1983 when the heirs to his estate decided to agree with Ter-
ry’s claim that she had, indeed, married the eccentric billionaire,
she’s been Hollywood’s most public widow. There was a cash
settlement, of course, though no one will say how much it is. (“I
can live off the interest for the rest of my life,” claims Terry
cheerfully. “It’s somewhere between five and eight figures,” says
her attorney vaguely.) But the carefully orchestrated publicity

ДШ

That's Burt Lancaster in the background (above left), watching Terry in a steamy embrace with Richard Jaeckel. The movie was Come Back,

Little Sheba, and it earned Terry an Oscor nominoti

in 1952. Another film success, Beneath the 12-Mile Reef, with Robert Wagner (above

right), followed in 1953. Despite her success ond high profile, few knew of her marriage to Hughes, described in her book (above center).

PHOTOGRAPHY BY POMPEO POSAR AND KEN MARCUS

131

that resulted put Terry Moore's name back in
lights, enabled superagent Irving “Swifty”
Lazar to negotiate a six-figure advance Гог
her book and reminded casting directors that
sometimes the freshest face in town has been
around a long time.

To Terry, however, there was something
more important at stake “The thing I
wanted was vindication,” says Terry, who
revealed their secret wedding after Hughes
died and quickly found herself lumped together
with the likes of Melvin Dummar and others
with sometimes questionable claims to the
Hughes estate. “A bunch of crazies were
claiming things,” she remembers. “To prove to
the world that I had been married to him, that
I had never been divorced from him, that 1
wasn’t some twit who went around making ир
stories—that was what I wanted. Гуе always
been able to make a living, so the thing 1
was most happy about was their admitting
I was his lawful widow.”

Her saga with Hughes began back in the

early days of her career as an actress. Like the
other starlets of that era, Terry was young and
innocent, and her life was dictated by her strict
Mormon parents and the omnipotent studio
heads, who would decide whom she could date
and what she would wear. Few actresses ever
got off to a more promising start—the media
loved her girl-next-door quality—and during
her heyday, she appeared on more than 30
magazine covers. She even received an Oscar
nomination in 1952 for her performance as the
sweet young boarder who awakens Burt Lan-
caster's lust in Come Back, Little Sheba. The
public was not alone in taking notice of this

ve never thought of myself os being beautiful,”
mointains Terry. “But the people at млүво‹ made
те feel beautiful. I think of these photos аз art.“
Above, a publicity picture from Black Spurs.

Terry always kept working, despite other marriages and raising two
sons. Above left, she offered to be a volentine to promote MGM's A
Man Called Dagger (1967), and on May 25, 1983, she cheerfully
posed with a photo of her late husband (above right). Why the
smile? That's the day she was declared Hughes's legal widow.

burgeoning new star. Over at RKO studios, a wealthy, rakish
inventor and aviator who also dabbled in movies had found her
attractive, too. Terry was only 18 and Howard Hughes was a
persistent suitor. He wooed her with flattery and expensive gifts
but kept their marriage secret to protect her pristine image.

For Terry, it was both a madly passionate first love and a
continually troubled relationship. Hughes was a compulsive
womanizer and yet terribly jealous of Terry’s friendships. She
was young and headstrong, and the combination was lethal. By
1951, Terry had married someone else just to spite her secret
husband, which technically made her a bigamist. That marriage
was short-lived, and she and Howard spent another four years
in their on-again, off-again, intense love affair. When the final
breakup came, in 1955, there was no real reason for them to get
a divorce. No one, except for Terry’s family and a few close
Hughes aides, knew they had been married. Even when both
had found new mates—actress Jean Peters for Hughes and
millionaire Eugene McGrath for Terry—her obsession with
Hughes continued. Nor did her next marriage, to Stuart Cra-
mer, which lasted 12 years and gave her two children, help her
forget. Cramer, ironically, had been Peters’ first husband.

“As the children needed me less, I began feeling great moods
of depression,” remembers Terry. “We found a psychiatrist who
put people into the hospital for three days and gave them sodium
pentothal to find out what they really felt. We both decided to do
it, and I went first. Evidently, all I talked about was Howard
and how much I was still in love with him. Stuart and I had
had a very solid marriage until then, but it went very rapidly
after that. Stuart is still bitter toward Howard—he lost two
wives to him, more or less.”

By then, however, Hughes had adopted his reclusive lifestyle,
so a reconciliation was impossible. Still, Terry found that her
dreams revolved around Hughes. Even his death and the atten-
tions of numerous suitors have not changed her feelings. “My

manager says Не has never seen anyone get
as many calls and crushes from zillionaires
as I do,” she explains. “That’s because How-
ard Hughes is every zillionaire’s image of what
he'd like to be. He had everything—the studio,
the fast cars, fast airplanes, women at his feet. I

haven’t found anyone who compares to How-
ard. Гуе met some very nice people, but I just
haven’t fallen for anyone. When I look back,
he was the only man I ever totally loved.”

You think Howard Hughes was an eccentric part-
ner? The 1949 film Mighty Joe Young (below)
was billed as “the strange story of a beautiful girl
and а gorilla." When your career spans more
than 50 films, not all of them are genuine gems.

е always played i а! explains Terry. “I
was never glamorized. That's one rea:
was so much fun. | can't believe these photos are of те."

PLAYBOY

FOOTLOOSE | THE POUCE

E

142

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LETTING МЕ ASK 1 HOPE THIS HELPS You
YOU THESE QUESTIONS. WITH YOUR RESEARCH.

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DOMINATRIX. YOU WHIP, BECAUSE | LIKE IT.
DOMINATE AND HUMILIATE. >

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ог WOULDN'T DO IT IF | DIDN'T GET OFF ON
IT. IT MAY SOUND SICK
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Not NEARLY AS
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GET SADISTIC!

\N THE DAYTIME, I'M A SERVICE
REPRESENTATIVE FoR THE PHONE COMPANY.

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PLAYBOY

144

1884: A PREDICTION

(continued from page 94)

“Tt is inevitable that we are going to have to ration
health care in the United States.”

in America. The flow of illegal immi-
grants has increased tenfold in the past
decade alone, with authorities apprehend-
ing more than 1,200,000 illegal immi-
grants in 1983, most of them Mexican.
This means that soon we'll have two
large minority blocs that don't share pro-
portionately in our country's wealth. Sta-
tistics from the Joint Center for Political
Studies show that the personal wealth, ог
accumulated assets, of black families is
only 36 percent of that of white families:
"The average wealth of black households is
$24,608 as compared with $68,891 for
whitc houscholds. In the past two decades,
the yearly income of black families has
remained at about 60 percent of that of
white families. Although black households
make up 12 percent of all households in
America, they hold only four percent of
the combined wealth of blacks and whites
(211 billion dollars in personal wealth as
compared with 4.875 trillion dollars held
by whites). Fewer than half of black
households have savings accounts, while
77 percent of white households have them.
The impact of those economic realities
and demographic changes will be gargan-
tuan, leaving our cities tinderboxes of
frustrated, angry and underemployed mi-
norities. The social time bomb is ticking.

THE HEALTH-CARE DRAIN

America’s health-care system ил be
bankrupt by 1994.

We stand on the threshold of the age ОГ
the bionic man. A large number of organs
are already transplantable, and trans-
plants for virtually all of the others wait in
the wings. Medical science is inventing
much faster than public policy can pay for
its inventions. By 1994, we will have
attempted on three or four occasions to
avert the bankruptcy of Medicare, but it
will be very clear by then that health care
has gotten completely out of control and
will be consuming an unacceptable part of
the gross national product. Already, ten
and one half cents of every dollar in Amer-
ica is spent on health care. In the cost-
of-living index, health care is growing two
and one half times as fast as the other
economic indicators.

On top of that, we'll soon face a day
when medical science is able по prolong
physical existence indefinitely, filling our
hospitals with sick people who are alive
but whose quality of life will be intoler-
able. We already have too many hospital
beds, too many costly specialists and an
overdose of medical technology; and now
we're coming into the time when the

growth of the aged population, combined
with the explosion of health-care costs,
is going to bankrupt а number of systems.
In 1970, the number of individuals aged
65 and over was 20,000,000; in 1985,
it will be 29,000,000. Ву the year 2030,
when the children of the baby boom
are well past the age of retirement and
our children are approaching it, there
will be 65,000,000 aged 65 or over in
America. The hospital-patient days of
persons over 65 are projected to increase
from 105,000,000 in 1980 to roughly
275,000,000 in the year 2000, almost tri-
pling the amount of hospital care for the
aged in a 20-year period.

It is inevitable that we are going to have
to ration health care in the United States.
Health and hospital spending cannot be
reduced unless there is some cutback in
services to at least some patients. Geomet-
rically rising costs are on a collision course
with a financial system that simply cannot
afford them. A million and a half people
have heart attacks in America every year;
how many should have access to an artifi-
cial heart? How many heart transplants
can we afford; and, as technology further
increases the ability to keep people alive,
can patients get more than one transplant?
How many heart transplants should we
give to a smoker? How many liver trans-
plants should we give to an alcoholic? We
simply have not come to grips with the fact
that medical innovation stands ready to
break us as a country.

We already spend more moncy, a larger
percentage of our gross national product
than practically any other industrialized
nation in the world, on an inefficient
health-care system—and one that is head-
ing for bankruptcy to boot!

CONTINUING ENERGY CRISIS

We wall have at least one major oil crisis
before 1994.

After two crippling oil crises in the past
decade, I am astonished that we still rely
for a significant part of the free world’s oil
оп one of the most anachronistic places on
the earth, the Middle East. Europe and
Japan depend even more on it.

This is a volatile dependency. Thirteen
of the present Arab heads of state, or more
than half of them, have reached power as
a result of the forceful removal of their
predecessors, and in the past 15 years,
Arabs have fought Arabs in 12 fierce
wars. The Islamic-fundamentalist revolu-
tion is sweeping the area—with grave
anti-Western implications—and there
have been four major Arab-Israeli con-
flicts, now threatened further by the crisis
in Lebanon ard the failure to resolve the

Palestinian-autonomy question.

On top of all this, our own oil discover-
ies don't keep pace with production, and
we have failed to begin to make the ener-
gy-efficient decisions that we should make
to remove the waste from our society. I
predict that by 1994, the Organization of
Petroleum Exporting Countries (OPEC)
will have reasserted itself and we will be
back in the lap of the Arabs.

By 1994, payment of utility bills will be
а major problem in the United States.

This prediction follows from the pre-
vious one, but even if OPEC doesn’t find
new power, it is clear that we have
expended our inheritance of cheap petro-
leum and natural gas. The costs of utilities
will rise dramatically in real dollars and
as a percentage of household spending.

INTERNATIONAL CHAOS

The Third World will be bankrupt by
1994.

I predict that by 1994, ОРЕС will be
joined by the Organization of Debt Ex-
porüng Countries (ODEC), as a large
number of Third World countries default
on their debts to the developed world. Do
we really think that 400,000,000 people in
South and Central America will get up
every morning and go to work for the
Chase Manhattan Bank? It just won't
happen. Third World nations will recog-
nize these debts only as long as they're
able to get them rescheduled and have
additional money lent to them.

Ву 1994, the U.S. will have an interna-
tional welfare caseload to add to its domes-
tic welfare caseload.

We will add another billion people to
the world by 1994. The demography of
the future is awesome. While the popu-
lation of Europe will grow only 4.5 per-
cent in the next 16 years, that of Africa,
which is already facing starvation, is pro-
jected to grow 65.9 percent, followed by
that of Latin America at 44.6 percent.
‘That means that in the next 20 years,
we'll add the equivalent of 20 Bangla-
deshes to an already hungry world.

"The Worldwatch Institute has made a
study of what is likely to happen. Between
1979 and 1983, world economic growth
expanded less than two percent a year.
The effect of slower economic growth var-
ied widely according to national popula-
tion-growth rates. For example, a two
percent annual economic-growth rate
would still raise incomes by two percent in
Belgium and West Germany, which have
achieved zero population growth. But for
Kenya and Ecuador, whose annual popu-
lation-growth rate exceeds three percent, a
two percent annual economic growth pro-
duces steady declines in income and living
standards. There are 34 countries whose
numbers are growing at three percent or
more a year, most of them in Africa, the
Middle East and Central America. Those

countries will become America's interna-
tional welfare caseload.

By 1994, I predict, the Catholic Church
will have ended its prohibition of artificial
birth control, but the change will come too
late to prevent demographic chaos. Many
countries that cannot now feed themselves
will dramatically add to their populations
and will look to us for relief. Wc will sec
megafamine in parts of the Third World
by 1994. The individual miracle of birth is
becoming a collective tragedy.

We will see constant political turmoil on
our Southern borders. Multiple Cubas will
appear in our hemisphere.

We're not just fighting communism in
South and Central America, we're fight-
ing demography. Overpopulation causes
increased poverty, unemployment and en-
vironmental degradation that add to polit-
ical instability. Over the next ten years,
we'll continue to sec a massive flow of
people into urban areas that are doubling
in population every decade or two, with
vast slum areas doubling in about half that.
time. By the year 2000, the world will
have 56 cities with populations of more
than 5,000,000, as opposed to only 29
now. About two billion people will live in
"Third World cities. The slum areas con-
tain a high percentage of unemployed
young men, living in appalling conditions
next to wealth and privilege. This is a
prescription for revolution. Most of these
cities lack the capital, education, training
or political system to improve. They will
not get better; they will get worse.

Most countries in South and Central
America are characterized by three traits
that in the next ten years will cause mas-
sive instability: high population growth, а
vast discrepancy between rich and poor
and corruption as a way of life. We fool
ourselves when we call these Third World
countries “developing countries.” Most of
them are plagued by internal cultural
division, tribalism, communalism, гей-
gious strife and traditionalism that render
governance all but impossible. Instead of
developing countries, they are, for the
most part, never-to-be-developed coun-
tries.

As General Maxwell Taylor put it in a
letter to a member of Congress:

Our national-security interest in
maintaining a global balance of pow-
er and global restraints on Soviet
aggression depends on the continued
viability, and economic, social and
governmental stability, of a number
of strategically located developing na-
tions. Our national strength also de-
pends on a strong economy, which, in
turn, depends on assured access to
certain essential sources of raw mate-
rials—primarily oil and scarce
minerals—located in Third World
countries. Such access requires the

maintenance of comparative peace
and stability within these nations and
their regional environment.

But such conditions cannot pres-
ently be assured. . . .

The United States’ strategic position in
the world will continue to be undercut,
though it is unclear whether that will nec-
essarily benefit the Soviet Union. Nearly
all the Third World countries in which
the U.S. has vital security interests have
serious population-growth problems.
Egypt adds 1,000,000 people a year to a
country that cannot feed those it has.
Korea, the Philippines, Indonesia, India,
Pakistan, Iran, Turkey, Kenya, Nigeria,
Mexico and almost all the countries in
Central America and the Caribbean are
heading toward varying degrees of demo-
graphic nightmares.

It is clear that a number of Cubas will
be added to the one too many that we
already have in our hemisphere.

е

"The future is always full of surprises.
World dynamics are so volaule that one
should always expect the unexpected. Yet.
I believe that certain trends are so power-
ful that they can—if left unaltered—be
predicted.

Politics is the management of expecta-
tions. The American electorate has come
to expect a growing pie, with politicians
arguing about how to distribute the
growth dividend every year. But there has

been virtually no growth dividend to dis-
tribute in the past ten years, and at the
same time, it is obvious that we have seri-
ous problems in our military-procurement
programs, our Social Security system, our
health-care system, our other pension sys-
tems; but seldom do politicians—especial-
ly in an election year—even identify the
problems, let alone the solutions. It is my
thesis that America needs a dose of the
philosophy of Alcoholics Anonymous: The
Patient gets well only when he admits to
self the full and desperate nature of
his problem. We have to recognize that
public policy needs a series of hard, some-
times even tragic, choices to bring our
economy under control and ensure our
future prosperity. We really need a politi-
cal ticket that can offend everyone a little.
It will not be easy. Few politicians have
made a career out of asking for cutbacks or
sacrifices. However, in a number of our
programs, America has made more prom-
ises than we can now pay for, and it is
imperative that not another Presidential
campaign go by without the candidates’ at
least debating those issues.

І am haunted by John оске? state-
ment that "hell is truth seen too late."
Will we as a society find the personal dis-
cipline and political will to see those new
forces and correct our ways?

Nineteen ninety-four will be here be-
fore we know it.

TOT‏ عدو
“Oh‏ < =

"Rodney, say good night to your new car and
come to bed.”

145

PLAYBOY

DOW JONES EMOTIONALS

(continued from page 74)

"One day, he discovers her nest egg. He doesn't call
it skimming, he calls it embezzling.”

can happen. For example, a woman who
has no right to discretionary funds—not
even enough to buy her husband a present
he doesn’t know about—may start “skim-
ming” some money out of the household
budget. One day, he discovers her nest egg.
He doesn't call it skimming, he calls it
embezzling.

PAYING PAST DUES

8. Other flash points are arguments
that pair children and money. Men often
don’t realize how much money it takes to
clothe and feed a child. The conversation
can be particularly intense when it is
about children from a previous relation-
ship. She may accuse him of not caring
about her children or of protecting his kids
but not hers. If there’s not enough money
to treat the kids evenhandedly, the entire
relationship can be in jeopardy.

9. The same problem applies to in-laws
and parents. Say Harry’s family needs
help and he has to ask his partner. If the
partner won’t help or isn’t gracious about
it, the other resents having to plead for
something he feels his partner should
gladly provide

10. The last of these dreaded three
why-must-I-contribute-to-your-past-life?
arguments involves alimony, and here we
get into the major leagues of money bat-

Чез. The new wife isn’t particularly
pleased that half of his salary and some of
hers goes to support his ex-wife in the
style to which the new wife would like to
become accustomed. Jealousy over the
past gets mixed up with deprivation, and
the result is volatile stuff.

SINKING OR SWIMMING
IN THE MONEY POOL

11. Some women feel that “your money
is our money and my money is mine.” A
traditional man may encourage that feel-
ing—after all, he is the earner, and having
a woman who feels that way redounds to
his provider role. Another man, howev-
er—particularly one who finds that the
family needs her money for expenses—
may no longer find this quaint. Her “mad
money” makes him feel just that. This is
especially tricky in a household where the
man encourages а woman to feel this way
but changes the rules when finances get
tight.

12. The two-career couple has its own
special money aggravations. If the two
have been independent for a long time,
they hate to have to be financially account-
able to anyone else. They find апу-
thing that requires fiscal cooperation and
compromise grating. They should tread
lightly the first time they cosign а

“James, I just want you to know that I’m
user-friendly, too."

note—or lend their partner money.

13. Which brings up the wonderful
world of pooling money. The first fight is
about whether or not to do и. The second
is about getting used to doing it—and
what it means for someone else to have the
right to draw (and overdraw) on a joint
checkbook.

14. Then there are the fights over
what's fair to contribute. Will each part-
ner put in half or will each put in money
according to what he or she makes? Some
partners say, “You want an equal say?
Then put in equal pay!” If he earns
$50,000 and she earns $18,000 and he
wants her to pay half of the $2000
monthly mortgage payment (or she
doesn't get a full vote), he should be aware
that he is manipulating her into a resent-
ful junior partnership. Her money seems
to get lost in the pool. She makes a sugges-
tion about what to do with their money,
but he doesn't feel that her contribution
entitles her to disposition of the entire pot.
Each cconomic decision brings up the
issue “Whose money is this, anyhow?”

15. When money is separate, objects are
usually separate. Then the fights are
about who actually owns what. If she put
60 percent of the money down on the
chair, does she own the chair or just the
legs? The couple who mentally put tags
on everything in the house sometimes have
a problem with recall. Keeping fastidious
records doesn't always prevent disagree-
ments about who owns what.

FOREIGN POLICIES AND THE WELFARE STATE

16. Even if items and money are kept
separate, partners still have strong feelings
about how money ought to be spent
Certain spending habits are considered
morally offensive. Having a monetary
morality different from one's partner's
(e.g, he buys $100 wines while she is
waging the war on poverty) causes bitter
fights even if money isn’t commingled.

17. In the Eighties, are women truly
emancipated from housework, or do they
have to buy their way out? A man
may insist that a woman use her money to
pay for child care, house cleaning and
dining out, because she’s creating those
expenses by not covering those activities
herself. “You pay for it—after all, you're
the one who’s getting out of it.” Some
women accede to that philosophy, so hap-
py are they not to be doing it themselves.
Others pay—but resent it. And some
women call a pig a pig, and pack.

18. Strangely enough, the matter of
having enough money isn’t the most seri-
ous area of disagreement. The man’s abili-
ty to earn is so sensitive a topic that it
doesn’t come up until a blood fight is in
process. Men receive questions about their
earning power as a frontal assault on their
manhood.

19. OF course, the only argument worse

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is the one based on how much the woman
earns—when she earns more than he does.
He gets competitive. He may bad-mouth
her promotion or indicate that she's lucky
she’s in such an easy industry in which to
succeed. Often he adds injury to insult
when she confronts him on his behavior
and he adamantly denies it. They get into
а cycle of oblique and head-on collisions.
This is one money issue that can’t be left
unrepaired or it will unravel the relation-
ship.

20. Let’s say both partners are working
and earning good money, and each likes
the idea that they’re a dual-career couple.
Money becomes an issue when partners
push each other to get ahead, get a raise,
get their due (and, while they’re at it, to
bring home some more money to help sup-
port their overextended lifestyle). Being
pushed to confront a boss isn’t usually
appreciated. Badgering will cause a battle.

21. No matter how much money the
couple earns, there are some things that
aren’t done. One is making a major pur-
chase without consulting one’s partner.
No man can go home and say, “Hi, honey,
I just bought a cabin cruiser,” and expect
an uncomplicated reaction.

22. How much to spend on a vacation is

a common enough source of argument—so
common that many couples dread their
annual discussion about it. If the trip is
less—or more—luxurious than one or
both partners feel comfortable with, trou-
ble brews. Fights break out when the per-
son who can afford to pay wants to call all
the shots. They can also erupt when Har-
гу generously offers to subsidize the trip
but his partner refuses to go unless she can
pay her own way. If that means the vaca-
tion can’t happen on schedule or at all,
Harry, who wants to go now—and is will-
ing to pay for it—gets annoyed.

SPENDING IN STYLE.

23. But let's say that over the years, the
couple have worked out their financial dif-
ferences. Are they out of the woods? Not
necessarily. They may get lucky by clean-
ing up in the stock market or winning a
lottery or inheriting Aunt Mildred's for-
tune. That gives them new options they
hadn't anticipated. Windfalls provide ex-
cellent opportunities for arguments.

24. Charity begins at home, but it may
have moved ош. The first question is,
Should the money be given away at all?
The second is, To whom? The third is,
Does a partner have veto power on a spe-
cific charity (eg. "If you give to the

“You have to sit up straight
for your counseling, Mrs. Larson. Lie down even for
an instant, and it’s analysis.”

National Rifle Association, ГЇЇ divorce
you”)? The fourth is, How much (“You
gave your inheritance to Save the
Whales?!”)?

25. Two people often don’t agree on
what is a lot of money and what isn’t. This
is also complicated by different patterns of
generosity. Some people like to make
small gifts—such as picking up a lunch
tab. Others watch such things scrupulous-
ly. But the person who watches nickels at
a restaurant may be very generous about
serious issues (such as donating to peace
organizations or social-service agencies).
And the person who picks up the tab may
find large donations horrifying. Two
people who have no empathy for each oth-
er's monetary styles are going to fight.

26. One person may feel that you have
to be honest about your emotions, your
hair color, your golf score—anything but
your taxes. Another may feel that if the
supermarket checker gave you extra
change, not reporting it should warrant a
trip to the Bastille. Those two people
should probably not be together. Doing
their taxes together may help them to a
new status—one that will allow them to
file separately the next year.

THE FISCAL SUNSET

27. Issues about security and retirement
crop up among people over 40. Fighting
about life insurance is one of the early
disagreements. Some people think they'll
live to be 100, and they don’t want the
life-insurance company to profit from
their longevity. A nonworking partner
may not appreciate such optimism, since a
wrong guess can be a financial as well as
an emotional disaster.

28. То some men, filing a will is like
signing up for an airplane that's scheduled
to crash. To the family that wishes to
avoid probate or a contest from a grasping
relative, that attitude is not acceptable.
The wife pushes and the husband accuses
her of wishing him dead —which may not
have been the way she felt at the begin-
ning of the argument but is certainly the
way she feels at the end of it.

29. Older couples have fights over апу
intimation of mortality. When a wife sees
her 65-year-old husband take on a project
that requires his attention for the next 15
years, she not unreasonably gets a little
worried. He takes that as her betting on
the wrong side of the issue.

30. Finally, there are little money hab-
its that don’t cause big fights but do drive
one’s partner crazy. Keeping a lot of mon-
ey around the house just in case the banks
fail; being afraid to carry cash and always
borrowing from others; never asking for
the check—no single one of those behav-
iors is enough to cause a divorce. But if
you find yourself with a money quirk,
understand that it can cause more trouble

than it’s worth.

МОМЕҮ АКО SEX (continued from page 74)

“Т kept her so ignorant, Jo thought a $20 bill had
to clear before you could break it.”

Courtship might license intimate sexual
confessions, but seldom will that intimacy
extend to detailed income and disburse-
ment information. Some think premarital
sex is a good patch test for compatibility.
I suspect that premarital joint checking
might be more definitive. Strip-search
me, thumb through my medicine chest
or secret Polaroid collection, bug the
phone—nothing has more personal reso-
nance, more revelatory force than a check-
book or last year’s itemized IRS form.
What you spend is what you are.

And it has gotten rather worse. В. and
S., with laser-knife insight, remind you
that we meet and woo now in places that
are socially and economically impartial. A
disco. The public library. A dating service.
Moreover, we have become more geo-
graphically mobile than the latest strain of
flu. Once, couples came together at their
yacht, their tennis club. Or they were con-
strained by ethnic heritage and work to
the church dance, union gathering, neigh-
borhood social hall. There, certain
assumptions about money—similar in-
come, habit of saving or expenditure, dow-
ry, even—were implicit. Today, men and
women approach marriage or a new live-
in as prepared for their financial future as
your average sedan-chair bearer would be
for the modern transportation industry.

No amazement, then, that one quarter
to one third of couples list budget manage-
ment under their MOST SERIOUS PROBLEM. It
is pandemic. “Money establishes the bal-
ance of power in relationships except
among lesbians.” Is money important?
Does Oscar de la Renta make Spanish
flies? Men, it is noted, take this pragmatic
attitude home with their work. Money
talks, bullshit walks—men tend to say that
a whole lot. Women pick it up at the
breakfast table (or, since 52 percent of
women work—and get paid less than
men—they may have learned on their own
by now). Yet, not only are we made irrita-
ble by his or her fiscal finagling, at home
we аге also and, nonetheless, very roman-

ic. ГЇ buy you the moon, da-de, diamond

rings and everything. We are demoralized
afterward to be haggling with spouse like
bail bondsmen over a minor felon. As if
this weren't disorienting enough, B. and S.
report more than 75 percent of wives still
felt it important that Mr. Husband pro-
vide them with financial security.

And, back in 1964, I went right along. 1
made our not-exactly-enriched bread
(about 3125 per week take-home). That
meant I didn't have to change diapers or
turn up at a four-a.m. feeding. It was the
era of specialization, right? I worked nine
to five and wrote; she did everything else.

And I ran the bank account. I kept her so
ignorant, Jo thought a $20 bill had to
clear before you could break it. But con-
temporary husbands did about the same: I
can’t today remember one working wife of
our close acquaintance. Sure, I gave Jo
what seemed to me a papal household
allowance. But examine the word: I gave
my children an allowance as well. Money
control extended that father-daughter au-
thority relationship she had just left. If
you want extra cash, the Grand Dispenser
will give you an audience, kiss his staff of
office first. Really dehumanizing to beg
money from your husband so you can, say,
buy him some poor doodad for Christmas.
Hey, Jo, if you read this—I was a first-
rate asshole.

А very uppuckered one. Let me say—in
some self-exoneration—gee, I was push-
ing the old panic bolt back then. Age 22;
wife and infant; subsistence wage. And
writing The Big Novel to bootstrap us out
of a hopeless financial sitz bath. Our
apartment was so small we slept in bunk
beds: No other way the bedroom would fit
my desk. If Jo came in (when writing, I
didn’t always let her; I was ruthless)—
wonk! The doorknob would knock my
glasses off. Roderick, our son, didn’t have
his own room; we sort of stored him in a
pantry. To this day, I wonder he didn't
grow eyestalks, like some lightless potato.
But there I was, summa cum grad of
Columbia, powerfully underachieving.
And for males in 1984, it hasn’t changed
that much. В. and 5. say, “Earning money
is intimately bound up with a man’s self-
respect, and when he loses his self-respect,
he begins to question how he feels about
his life and his relationship.” You know
how much sympathy the line “Um, Pm
writing a novel” will get you. Standard
response is, “Oh, you are? 1 collect
hubcaps myself.” (Translation: Whyncha
get а decent job, schlemiel?)

B. and S. do report that “married cou-
ples who feel they are doing well
financially often see this as a joint accom-
plishment, proving they chose each other
wisely.” I was proud when Jo won her
Danforth Fellowship. (Though, had she
begun earning then, I admit it, I wouldn't
have accepted a direct subsidy to the
household. I dunno, it would've set prece-
dents. Like a private college taking Feder-
al aid: In no time, they'll make you teach
Hindustani and build special ramps ай
over. Paranoid, maybe, but. . . .) And for
remarriage, I chose а self-supporting
Tony-nominated Broadway actress. Yet
even though more than half of women (48
percent of women with children under six)
work, the husband still has one unique

financial surcharge. Hear this from B. and
S.: “No matter how much or how little a
wife earns, her income has much less
impact on how each of them feels about
the family income. It is up to the man to
make the couple’s mark in the world.” Not
so different from 1964 or 1864. Even if she
has this billion-dollar plant-healing fran-
chise, her entry-level-wage husband is
some kind of vulgar parasite.
е

Men who cohabit, however, don't get
the same moral and financial alligator clip
snapped on their softest part. Mind you,
sociological data for cohabitants are about
as conclusive as sociological data for Gin-
su-knife owners. B. and S. pioneer here. It
is just of late that we have acknowledged
cohabitation, Lee Marvin et al, to be
something more than a special disease
vector. But cohab Ше, from your first
cardboard carton and one-month sublet, is
primarily economic in aspect: love as small
business. Within the relationship, cash
competition will forever be implicit, like
two hookers in a price war. Women, of
course, have gone for cohab, particularly
since feminism became varnished truth. It
may facilitate a career. Or help them side-
step housewifedom, which can turn the
cerebrum to calf's-foot jelly. But for men,
I think, the "vulgar parasite" syndrome
has had great effect. In cohab existence,
women are perceived to have made their
own bed (made it on alternate days,
ideally, I guess). That burden of couple
success doesn't fall so heavily atop the
male. And if he should default on his rent,
well, she doesn't need to change names so
that a creditor won't find her.

“The most provocative evidence we can
offer on the link between power and mon-
ey comes from the cohabiters. . . . For
cohabiters, the male-provider image loses
its importance and other values take pre-
cedence. . . . Cohabitation is а pay-as-
you-go system and each partner's rights
and privileges are based on what he or she
contributes. . . . [Yet] we find that when
the woman has greater influence over how
money is spent (leisure activities and fur-
niture buying) the couple faces more con-
flict. When the man has greater influence,
or when the influence is equal, there is less
turmoil. Thus cohabiters have to juggle
both traditional and nontraditional pres-
sures, making money problems difficult to
solve. We have ample evidence to show
this is quicksand for cohabiting couples.”

I knew one cohab pair who came and
went each through separate house doors:
Holy Mother Mass card forbid that
she should scrape up Ais mud. They also
had, believe it, a red line painted down
their living-room wall—His— —HERS.
(Though, as tribute to love or aesthetics,
the line did detour—zag, jag, zag—
around one particularly fine heirloom
portrait that belonged to her.) And you do
catch some breath of this in most cohab
home life: that—except maybe for the cold
leftover chicken wing—each item has

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Cohabs are rather like persecuted eth-
nic folk expecting that big pogrom:
They're set to pack and travel at the drop
of a Cossack. Superpoliteness prevails.
Both are in the guesthouse. Her cat won’t
even sleep on his clean shirt. When, for
‘one year, I cohabited—hell, her housecoat
hanging from a doorknob was the shroud
of Turin. ГА put down towels when I sat
on her family armchair (never can tell
when incontinence will hit you). And she
never put my bookshelf out of alphabetic-
by-author order. It was great fun: the
rough equivalent of living in a period res-
toration, Monticello, maybe. I went to the
john pretty often. It, at least, was neutral.

Who, then, would you think hassle each
other most about dough—married or co-
hab? Good try, but wrong again. Despite
cutpurse rivalry ("male cohabiters,” for
instance, "are too competitive with their
partners for the woman's success to en-
hance the relationship"), a cohab pair is
more courteous or, if you will, dishonest.
Married people fuss-budget more. B. and
S. suggest a common-sense reason for this:
Marriage—with its stronger institutional
substructure—can withstand heavier chop.
breaking. In fact, compared with Mr.
Cohab, the husband is also happier with
his work: Earning for others is more
pleasurable. By contrast, cohab people
have a cordless grip on their relationshi,
"To protect it, they swallow guff like Dis-
posalls. They're scared that any argument
about who should pay for her vaginal
foam will crack them. Never mind an
occasional palimony ruling, the law
doesn't provide real schematics for cohab
separation. It can be expensive. Women,
in particular, are unprotected—no judge
to decide who'll get custody of that Day-
Glo black-light poster or the cat door.

Most disagreements, though, are less
about income than about how it should be
spent. Shall we buy new iron for his
weight room or more sand for her raked
Japanese garden? Resource pooling (like
communism) is great in concept, if only
itd work. But humans are territorial.
Moreover, everyone is hypersensitive
about the Divorce Beast: Sheesh, 41 per-
cent of all American men and women will
at some time experience a household un-
raveling. With that ill-aspected send-off, it
takes considerable gall to pool cash. Some
bleak day, you may wake up and find that
he or she has left—after playing dirty pool
with your mutual fund.

I remember the night I decided to move
out. How, I thought, can you give all this
up—1500 books, my comfy office, 12 cats,
those wonderful meals, someone to blame
when I drop a glass in the kitchen or fall
over the footstool? How can you take it all
with you? So, I said, pack just what you
need: complete Strip City. Guess what? I
didn’t even fill the back of my station wag-
on. Wow, I said, shows how little is really
essential to life. And a mile down the road,
1 realized that I hadn't packed one single

item of clothing. Socks, underwear, not
even a tie clip. I dress so unchichi, even I
didn't want custody of my wardrobe.

But I did wipe the savings account out.
(It, ah, represented loan money from a
friend. . . .) And the business can get bit-
ter. One friend's wife took half his Ency-
clopaedia Britannica: A-C, E-G, I-K,
etc. Don't ask him about anything begin-
ning with D. Jo kept the first five years of
my diary: Humph, she said, you might
have written it, but it was about us. And,
of course, children are the saddest hostages
to fortune. What should you carry away—
two arms and a torso? Indeed, you settle
for their weekends, when they, if asked,
would rather give you Wednesday and
"Tuesday, which are a dull time, anyhow.

But cohab, in my experience, is differ-
ent. We argued. Enough, I said, I'm leav-
ing. So, she said, go. I went before I went:
By the time I had finished zipping up, all
my belongings were neatly beside her ele-
vator, in those very same boxes, suitcases
and A&P paper bags they had come in.
Simple: Even my drawer in her bureau
was vacant. We hadn’t had time to create
joint property. And she pressed the DOWN
button for me.

Cohab people, as you might guess, pool
less often than married. And fewer women
advocate pooling, even though, with the
disparity in male-female income, it would
appear to favor them. B. and S. advance
this simple axiom: “Меп and women feel
and act differently about money. To men
it represents identity and power. To wom-
en it is security and autonomy." Yet, as
they conclude, for all the resentment and
conflict, financial symbiosis can be an
important bond. Those who joint file, joint.
save, joint spend—and do it without gar-
roting each other—are more likely to sur-
vive. Economic independence may liberate
either individual, but it also tends to leave
less of an emotional slush fund for
the relationship.

е

Sex is, as you well know, negotiable
stuff. It can be an IOU, promissory note,
trade goods, investment capital, rubber
check. 'The male sexual bank balance is
often drawn on or fattened hy his earning
power. What you deposit this afternoon
may well affect what you deposit tonight.
Greg, one B.-and-S. case history, has а
working wife. “I don't mind her success,
but I need my own. . . . When I see myself
as less masculine, I see her as more self-
sufficient and more masculine, which isn't
so great. . . . It affects my sexual interest
and the way 1 feel about the relationship."
This syndrome has long been noted about
black men in a ghetto environment. Un-
able to reinforce their maleness through
the job market, they feel inadequate and
split. I understand that: A book advance
check or handsome lecture fee can make
my seminal works positively churn.

Women have, since the first neolithic
sick headache, used sex to barter: tit for
that and that and that. It was a kind of

coupon clipping—worth the new dress,
perm, dinner out, whatever. Women had
their own black-market trade going on
right at home. But female financial self-
support has caused restructuring—and
more frankness. First of all, she isn't home
whenever he lusts after her. Even more
than that, she doesn't need as much mate-
rial property. Sex, as medium of ex-
change, has been devalued. During this
past year, it isn't coincidental, surely, that
I've heard about three wives who charge
their men for a sexual preference—in
particular, for the elusive blow job.
Theresa told me, “I come home after
work, the last thing I need is to get my jaw
knocked out of line. Yet I know he needs
it; he's feeling insecure. So once, he said,
ТИ give you ten bucks.’ Hey, fine. He
feels better about asking; I feel it’s worth
my time. And a semiprostitute situation
turns us both on. Only thing is, I hate
telling him, the price is going up to $15
after January first.”

Sarah, who works for AT&T, еа
right up on that reference to prostitution.
“It’s a spin-off from feminism. Remember
when Kate Millett was trying to ‘save’
prostitutes from exploitation? Well, she
got the predictable defensive response
from the hookers: that wives were prosti-
tuting themselves just as much. So were
secretaries, for that matter. My husband is
aroused anyhow by pickup, wanna-good-
time, Eighth Avenue fantasies. Money has
always liberated men from performance
responsibility. Now, though, there is an
even more salient factor—namely, men
want sex more often than women do. We
both work. We try to split everything fair-
ly. But how do we split his need for five
quick sessions а week and my need for two
nice, slow, lazy ones? Early on, he started
paying me. Twenty dollars, for any sex
where I didn’t come, too. Quickies, you
know. To be fair, if he cooks an extra meal
during the week, he makes up a check and
leaves it on the table. It’s kind of fun.
Spaghetti marinara comes out equaling a
shot over the hassock. I come out ahead,
though. I can go without eating longer
than he can go without my body."

ГЇЇ be candid. There are nights when I
miss my seigneurial first-marriage self.
Being sole support does bring a certain
privilege, and the wife is hard put to
escape it. That third one when she has
already been asleep for half an hour. Or
those somewhat inconvenient times (when
she was on the phone or repairing my
car muffler). You see, I had a childish
allowance then, too. Now, of course, I’m
тоге... mature. Sex in an even-up finan-
cial marriage is requisitioned, you might
say. Joint stock decisions have to be made.
It is almost as if desire and stamina came
with a double-signature passbook. I've got
to finish this paragraph tonight. Tomor-
row she has both a matinee and an eve-
ning performance. It is hard, under the
best circumstance, to synchronize passion.
But when we do meet, well, B. and S. are

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151

PLAYBOY

right about pooling your funds. It is splen-
did collusion. Contrails are made. Ani-
mals gather their young around them in
fear. People for a mile around call the
24th Precinct to ask what that sound was.
And there are no debts outstanding.

Housework is another matter, though.
If it were up to me, a formal table setting
would include plastic knife and fork,
paper plate, Duracell-powered romantic
candle and one pair of scissors at each
chair—so you could easily cut open the
individual gourmet frozen-food bag. Lau-
rie and I agree that I should pay in full for
occasional maid service. She still does too
much by far. (And I speak as one who, not
so long ago, thought a suffragette was the
female M in some S/M duo.) I see no
reason why career people, male or female,
should ever Electrolux. B. and S. will
bear my male bias out. “Married men’s
aversion to housework is so intense it can
sour their relationship. The more house-
work they do, for whatever reason, the
more they fight about it. If this pattern
continues into the future, it will be a major
barrier to the reorganization of husbands’
and wives’ roles.”

Mr. Mom is dead. Already. Women,
even employed women, still do the house-
work. Oh, I did supervise my two young
sons when Jo began her Ph.D. matricula-
tion at Columbia. But that consisted most-
ly of opening my office door once each day
to yell, “Clean this goddamn house up,
take the garbage out and make me a sand-
wich.” Now and then, they did. В. and 5.
continue: “There has been some recent
interest by the media in men who volun-
tarily choose to stay home and take care of
their house and family while their wives
work. Try as we might, however, we could
not find a significant number of men who
fit the description of “househusband: ”

Here I blow my whistle for interfer-
ence. Where are our progeny? Note that
WORK is just about the only heading under
which B. and S. even bother to mention
children. At this juncture, I perceive a
misemphasis in their survey: Worse, they
miss the population for the people. You
read, say, that money is less irksome in
"institutional" marriages than in “volun-
tary” marriages. But this voluntarism is
already a thunderous departure. Even
three decades ago, Га guess, 97 percent of
men and women married to have or to
legitimize offspring. The title of В. and S^
study is indicative enough: In 1960, they
would have called it American Families.
This concept of sterile pairing off—gay or
cohab or volunteer—is the most terrific
and comprehensive sexual trend in our
century.

And, if I may say so, it seems quite,
well, un-American. After all, the nation-
al paradigm had been one of generational
progress. А nonroyal succession was ii
plicit: Immigrant parents worked to en-
sure lower-middle-class stature for their
children. And those children, in turn,
would guarantee some third- or fourth-

generation heir law school, medical
school—even, if they could, social stand-
ing. The sterile pair, though, is time-
bound by a single generation. I might
name (and advocate) several legal, reli-
gious, civil or economic motives for insti-
tutional marriage, yet there can be only
one compelling, conclusive reason for it:
the nurture of children. Divorce, in even а
most cordial form, will belabor children.
Single parenting, at best, is lopsided. True
adulthood, I imagine, must be measured
in contrast to some childhood. People who
extend themselves through blood are re-
sponsible: I use that adjective in both the
simply legal and the honorific sense.
Abortion, birth control, sure—yet, under
that mechanical apparatus, the couples’
desire for independence from parental
obligation (and mystery and risk) has
changed America most of all. Since 1607
or whenever, we have been a future-
oriented, optimistic people. Now, more
and more, we are only of the dull and
circumscribing present.

But even in this most liberated season, I
sense a rare hesitance. Attitudes are
strangely irresolute. Men and women no
longer feel so self-approving. Beuy Frie-
dan, who is ahead, first annotated it in her
1981 book, The Second Stage. Women of
our first feminist generation, she said,
were experiencing а new distress. Inti-
mate Strangers (1983), by Lillian B. Ru-
bin, was also alert to it. The Cost of Loving
(1984), by Megan Marshall, is pretty
much devoted to this phenomenon. Wom-
en are discovering what men have known
before, that even acceptance and legal
equality can't assure human fulfillment.
"That a prepotent career may just anesthe-
tize deep emotional dissatisfaction. Mar-
shall calls it The Myth of Independence.
And her corresponding statistical backup
isn’t auspicious: “Only four of ten women
still single at age 30 were likely to find
mates. For women with an advanced
degree or a high salary, the odds were
worst. She would find that most of the
men in her income bracket were already
married.” And, perhaps even more impor-
tant for female wholeness, you can’t—as
one interviewee put it with regret—
“freeze dry” children until your career is
at full thrust. Rubin made an enlightening
verbal experiment. She asked both men
and women what the key word independ-
ence meant. “Not one man I spoke with
had any negative association with the
word, while most women did. By and
large, men associate independence with
such words as freedom, control, pow-
er, self-sufficiency, happiness. Women’s
thoughts turn to worries about being
alone, not close to anyone, unnurtured.”

е

We are in a strong period of consolida-
tion now. Our revolutionary time is, for
this long moment, on hold. We are taking
evidence again. Gay and feminist leaders
have begun to reorganize or protect the
salient they drove forward. Sexual permis-

siveness, a useful beast after all, is getting
domesticated. It appears now more often
on the conjugal-bed cover than on the
Time-magazine cover. That, | think, is
especially positive: Between mate and
mate, nothing should be taboo. Women, I
think, will be bearing more children, with
men they meet earlier in life. The career
can stand some postponing; relationship
and parenthood will gain prestige. Mar-
riage of the “institutional” kind should
make a comeback. Divorce figures, no
doubt, will remain grim. But there may be
less resistance to alimony and child sup-
port. Sex and money cannot be set apart
from each other. Some unattractive prag-
matism will forever intrude on our best
passion. But by 2000 a.p., B. and S. might
feel comfortable conducting instead a sur-
vey of American Families.

By then, I predict, an irresistible force
will resync the American Zeitgeist. I
indulge in neither flipness nor cynicism
here. It is a force that no government or
ideological program has ever been able
completely to repress. Socialism and com-
munism haven’t managed. Nor the worst
dictatorship, nor the most permissive hu-
man ambience. And those good, if dislo-
cating, intellectual and social events of
1960-1980—feminism, sexual liberation,
consciousness—will not resist it wholly,
either. I mean The Free Market. We
were, you recall, talking about Sex and
Money. Let us get on down and examine
the male/female relationship in terms of
cash, self-interest, marketing and, yes,
commodity value.

Take out your note pad. There will be a
test later. I now unload on you D. Keith
Mano’s Special Point System for Prejudg-
ing the Success or Failure of Any Male/
Female Relationship. It is infallible. Or,
at least, as infallible as Pope John Paul I
was when he was.

ATTRIBUTE MALE FEMALE
Looks 1-5 1-10
Intelligence 1-7 1-4
Money /Power 1-10 1-5
Success/Prestige 1-10 1-5
Age (for men, 8-0
doesn't count; for

women, drops one

point per five.

years from the age

of 20 on up)

Personality 1-5 1-5

OK, run it up on your credit-card cal-
culator. A Redford-looking, brilliant, rich,
famous, congenial man of no particular
age would rate my Perfect 37. And a
Welch-looking, brilliant, rich, famous,
congenial woman of 21 or 24 would also
ring up 37. You note certain discrepancies
in the scoring? A certain double standard?
Fine; leave us discuss it

In The Free Market, Looks are, I esti-
mate, twice as valuable to women as to
men. Intelligence, however, doesn’t neces-
sarily make a woman more prepossess-
ing—she can be overqualified for love, you

might say. This is similarly true with
Money/Power апі Success/Prestige.
Some men enjoy clout in a woman; most,
though, feel inferior and uncomfortable
with a high achiever (especially if she is
achieving more highly than he). Charm
will enhance both in about equal measure.
Which leaves Age—easily the most con-
troversial (and unfortunate and true) fac-
tor in my system. Put it this way: Age
doesn’t affect a man’s Free Market worth
(if anything, it can help; Pm twice as
attractive at 42 as I was at 21). Age, on the
other hand, is a terrible discriminator for
woman. No clause of the E.R.A, no affir-
mative action can neutralize it.

For the first time, though, liberal and
feminist women are acknowledging The
Free Market. I quote Rubin: “The solace
and protection of marriage, for example,
are more readily available to a man than
to a woman, especially after youth has
passed. Like a fine wine, aging in а man is
thought to add to his complexity and
finesse; the ‘attractive older man’ can
make the heart of a 20-year-old skip a
beat. With a woman, it’s quite another
matter. Even in youth she doesn’t have the
same social value as a man, isn't such a
highly prized ‘commodity.’ As she ages,
her situation worsens. .. ."

Or I quote the female manager of а
computer dating service: “Below the age
of 25, there's, like, three men to two
women. Sometimes two to one. Between
25 and 35, it tends to even out: one to one.
Above 35, it tends to slide over: Women
become the predominant group. We can't
do much at all for the woman who is over
45— though, of course, we'd like to.”

Now, it is my contention that you can
toe tag and say so long to any relationship
in which male and female are more than
three points apart by the Mano Special
Point System. Try it with your mate.
Remember, though, the numbers are sub-
jective. She may be fork-nosed and built
like a pit pony—but if you think she's
worth eight, then, in that relational
context, give her eight. He may be a
flesh-pressing, influential politician, yet
she—into art and Gauguinish romance—
may downgrade him to two or three under
Success/Prestige. The ineluctable dynam-
ic is there. If a man progresses reasonably
in life—raising his Money and Success
counts—he will tend to pass an early part-
ner on the way up. Her age value and,
often, physical attractiveness depreciate.
Sure, it isn’t fair; it is, simply the Market
situation. Don’t ask me why people buy
Smurf dolls or, ugh, a packaged mixed
cocktail, either.

Fear not, I have made provision for the
Intangible. Love—chemical, senseless,
low-budget—rates a full ten. After you've
done your addition, if there is that danger-
ous three-plus discrepancy, give ten to
whichever spouse or cohab has scored low-
er (and then reduce this Love Factor by
опе for each three months of the relation-
ship). There is also an important Inertia

Factor—but it will favor only institutional
marriage. Here you add one point to the
lower score for each three years your cou-
ple has been together. (Inertia will include
children, in particular; clean underwear;
sexual compatibility; fear of alimony; etc.)
As you can see, my Point System will
favor institutional marriage. In fact, 1
think institutional marriage was in-
vented—by whomever it is that invents
this sort of thing—to protect women (and
their children) from those very disruptive
Free Market forces Гуе been analyzing.
Mind you, we'd all rather eat Dippity-
Do than contemplate a Victorian or
Renaissance Florentine marriage. Match-
making without consent—for financial,
dynastic or class reasons—is considered
about as cold and undemocratic as intrave-
nous sex would be. Yet we place a prix
fixe on each other. And judge relationships
by monthly statement. A recent check-out-
counter tabloid had this head: “HousE-
WIVES ARE WORTH S888 PER WEEK." Well,
hell, I can't afford one at that rate; maybe

CALL

she could just come in on Monday and do
the cat box. But any wife who takes that
figure to heart (and it may be accurate; I
dunno) has priced herself out of business.
Marriage, despite all we've said, isn’t just
a pair of comakers and one promissory
note. There must be some intangible that
doesn't translate into pure pelf.

Recently, I attended this self-help class
held by Joanna Steichen, author of
Marrying Up, ап American Dream and
Reality. "There we were, three dozen men
and women, eager to sell our virtue for one
step up the social salmon ladder. Steichen
looked at us and said, "Who here would
marry just anyone, sight unseen, for
$10,000,000?" Pause. Moral abacus click-
ing. Hesitation. Yet no hand went up.
Although not one of us, I daresay, had met
man or woman who was $10,000,000 ugly
or gross or bent, we cherished that last
romantic shred. It wasn’t easy, but we
held out.

And the rest of you had better, too.

“I want you to know, Miss Davis, that blue is
my favorite color.”

PLAYBOY

DAWN'5 EARLY LIGHT (continued from page 126)

“You were a cop and now you're private, and you can
get down in the streets and nose around." ?

He wanted somebody he could trust.
Had Carolyn from the Caroline told him
how trustworthy I was?

What did I say? I said yes.

.

I met Tommy Tillary and his lawyer in
Drew Kaplan’s office on Court Street, а
few blocks from Brooklyn’s Borough Hall.
There was a Syrian restaurant next door
and, at the corner, a grocery store special-
izing in Middle Eastern imports stood
next to an antique shop overflowing with
stripped-oak furniture and brass lamps
and bedsteads. Kaplan’s office ran to wood
paneling and leather chairs and oak file
cabinets. His name and the names of two
partners were painted on the frosted-glass
door in old-fashioned gold-and-black let-
tering. Kaplan himself looked conserva-
tively up to date, with a three-piece
striped suit that was better cut than mine.
Tommy wore his Burgundy blazer and
gray-Alannel trousers and loafers. Strain
showed at the corners of his blue eyes and
around his mouth. His complexion was
off, too.

“All we want you to do,” Kaplan said,
“is find a key in one of their pants pockets,
Herrera’s or Cruz’s, and trace it to a lock-
er in Penn Station, and in the locker
there's а foot-long knife with their prints
and her blood on it.”

“Is that what it’s going to take?”

He smiled. “It wouldn’t hurt. No,

actually, we're not in such bad shape.
They got some shaky testimony from a
pair of Latins who've been in and out of
trouble since they got weaned to Tropi-
cana. They got what looks to them like a
good motive on Tommy’s part.”

“Which 15?”

I was looking at Tommy when I asked.
His eyes slipped away from mine. Kaplan
said, “A marital triangle, a case of the
shorts and a strong money motive. Mar-
garet Tillary inherited a little over a quar-
ter of a million dollars six or eight months
ago. An aunt left a million two and it got
cut up four ways. What they don’t bother
to notice is he loved his wife, and how
many husbands cheat? What is it they
say—Aninety percent cheat and ten percent
Бе?”

“That’s good odds.”

“One of the killers, Angel Herrera, did
some odd jobs at the Tillary house last
March or April. Spring cleaning; he
hauled stuff out of the basement and attic,
a little donkeywork. According to Her-
rera, that’s how Tommy knew him to con-
tact him about the burglary. According to
common sense, that’s how Herrera and his
buddy Cruz knew the house and what was
in it and how to gain access.”

“The case against Tommy sounds
pretty thin.”

“It is,” Kaplan said. “The thing is, you
go to court with something like this and

#

“Fred, Howard . . . Howard, Fred... you know

Cynthia .

Diane, Fred.

you lose even if you win. For the rest of
your life, everybody remembers you stood
trial for murdering your wife, never mind
that you won an acquittal.

"Besides," he said, “you never know
which way a jury's going to jump. Tom-
my's alibi is he was with another lady at
the time of the burglary. The woman's а
colleague; they could see it as completely
aboveboard, but who says they're going
to? What they sometimes do, they decide
they don't believe the alibi because it's his
girlfriend lying for him, and at the same
time they label him a scumbag for screw-
ing around while his wife's getting
killed."

“You keep it up,” Tommy said, “I'll
find myself guilty, the way you make it
sound.”

“Plus he’s hard to get a sympathetic
jury for. He’s a big handsome guy, a sharp
dresser, and you'd love him in a gin joint,
but how much do you love him in a court-
room? He's a securities salesman, he's
beautiful on the phone, and that means
every clown who ever lost a hundred dol-
lars on a stock tip or bought magazines
over the phone is going to walk into the
courtroom with a hard-on for him. I'm
telling you, I want to stay the hell out of
court. РИ win in court, I know that, or the
worst that'll happen is ГІІ win on appeal,
but who needs it? This is a case that
shouldn't be in the first place, and I'd love
to clear it up before they even go so far as
presenting a bill to the grand jury."

“So from me you want”

“Whatever you can find, Matt. What-
ever discredits Cruz and Herrera. I don't
know what's there to be found, but you
were a cop and now you're private, and
you can get down in the streets and nose
around."

I nodded. I could do that. “Опе thing,"
I said. Wouldn't you be better off with
а Spanish-speaking detective? 1 know
enough to buy a beer in a bodega, but Pm
a long way from fluent.”

Kaplan shook his head. "A personal
relationship's worth more than a dime’s
worth of ‘Me llamo Matteo y ¿como está
usted?" ”

“That's the truth," Tommy Tillary
said. “Мац, I know I can count on you."

I wanted to tell him all he could count
оп was his fingers. I didn't really see
what I could expect to uncover that
wouldn't turn up in a regular police inves-
tigation. But I'd spent enough time саггу-
ing a shield to know not to push away
money when somebody wants to give it to
you. I felt comfortable taking a fee. The
man was inheriting a quarter of a million,
plus whatever insurance his wife had car-
пей. If he was willing to spread some of it
around, I was wil to take it.

So I went to Sunset Park and spent
some time in the streets and some more
time in the bars. Sunset Park is in Brook-
lyn, of course, on the borough’s western

edge, above Bay Ridge and south and west

of Green-Wood Cemetery. These days, >

there, with young urban professionals

renovating the old houses and gentrifying \ ОПКА ОМ КЕ
the neighborhood. Back then, the upward- 5 А

ly mobile young had not yet discovered
Sunset Park, and the area was a mix of
Latins and Scandinavians, most of the
former Puerto Ricans, most of the latter
Norwegians. The balance was gradually
shifting from Europe to the islands, from
light to dark, but this was a process that
had been going on for ages and there was
nothing hurried about it.

I talked to Herrera’s landlord and
Cruz’s former employer and one of his
recent girlfriends. 1 drank beer in bars and
the back rooms of bodegas. I went to the
local station house, I read the sheets on
both of the burglars and drank coffee with
the cops and picked up some of the stuff
that doesn’t get on the yellow sheets.

І found out that Miguelito Cruz had
once killed a man in a tavern brawl over a
woman. There were no charges pressed; a
dozen witnesses reported that the dead
man had gone after Cruz first with a bro-
ken bottle. Cruz had most likely been
carrying the knife, but several witnesses
insisted it had been tossed to him by an
anonymous benefactor, and there hadn't
been enough evidence to make a case of
weapons possession, let alone homicidc.

Т learned that Herrera had three chil-
dren living with their mother in Puerto
Rico. He was divorced but wouldn't
marry his current girlfriend because he
regarded himself as still married to his
ex-wife in the eyes of God. He sent money
to his children when he had any to send.

I learned other things. They didn’t
seem terribly consequential then and
they've faded from memory altogether by
now, but I wrote them down in my pocket
notebook as I learned them, and every day
or so I duly reported my findings to Drew
Kaplan. He always seemed pleased with
what I told him.

.

I invariably managed a stop at Arm-
strong’s before I called it a night. One
night she was there, Carolyn Cheatham,
drinking bourbon this time, her face fro-
zen with stubborn old pain. It took her a
blink or two to recognize me. Then tears
started to form in the corners of her eyes,
and she used the back of one hand to wipe
them away.

I didn't approach her until she beck-
oned. She patted the stool beside hers and
I eased myself onto it. I had coffee with
bourbon in it and bought a refill for her.
She was pretty drunk already, but that’s
never been enough reason to turn down a
drink.

She talked about Tommy. He was
being nice to her, he said. Calling up,
sending flowers. But he wouldn't sce her, -TuEwnLOS FINEST VODA

А : ISAREGSTERED TRADEMARK
because it wouldn't look right, not for a Е Оной
Е IMPORTED BY THE BUCKINGHAM CORP.
new widower, not for a man who'd been NX, NY O 1984.

PLAYBOY

publicly accused of murder.

“He sends flowers with no card en-
closed,” she said. “Не calls me from pay
phones. The son of a bitch.”

Billie called me aside. “I didn’t want to
put her out,” he said, “а nice woman like
that, shit-faced as she is. But I thought 1
was gonna have to. You'll see she gets
home?"

I said I would.

I got her out of there and a cab came
along and saved us the walk. At her place,
1 took the keys from her and unlocked the
door. She half sat, half sprawled on the
couch. I had to use the bathroom, and
when I came back, her eyes were closed
and she was snoring lightly.

I got her coat and shoes off, put her to
bed, loosened her clothing and covered her
with a blanket. I was tired from all that
and sat down on the couch for a minute,
and I almost dozed off myself. Then I
snapped awake and let myself out.

е

I went back to Sunset Park the next
day. I learned that Cruz had been in trou-
ble as a youth. With a gang of neighbor-
hood kids, he used to go into the city and
cruise Greenwich Village, looking for
homosexuals to beat up. He'd had a dread
of homosexuality, probably flowing as it
generally does out of a fear of a part of
himself, and he stifled that dread by fag
bashing.

“Не still doan' like them," a woman
told me. She had glossy black hair and
opaque eyes, and she was letting me
pay for her rum and orange juice. "He's
pretty, you know, an’ they come on to him,
an’ he doan' like it.”

1 called that item in, along with a few
others equally earth-shaking. I bought
myself a steak dinner at The Slate over on
Tenth Avenue, then finished up at Arm-
strong's, not drinking very hard, just
coasting along on bourbon and coffee.

Twice, the phone rang for me. Once, it
was Tommy Tillary, telling me how much
he appreciated what I was doing for him.
It seemed to me that all Г was doing was
taking his money, but he had me believing
that my loyalty and invaluable assistance
were all he had to cling to.

The second call was from Carolyn.
More praise. I was a gentleman, she
assured me, and a hell of a fellow all
around. And І should forget that she'd
been bad-mouthing Tommy. Everything
was going to be fine with them

е

I took the next day off. I think I went to
а movie, and it may have been The Sting,
with Newman and Redford achieving
vengeance through swindling.

The day after that, I did another tour of
duty over in Brooklyn. And the day after
that, I picked up the News first thing in
the morning. The headline was поп-
specific, something like “KILL susPECT
HANGS SELF IN CELL," but I knew it was my
case before | turned to the story on page
three.

Miguelito Cruz had torn his clothing
into strips, knotted the strips together,
stood his iron bedstead on its side, climbed
onto it, looped his homemade rope around
an overhead pipe and jumped off the up-
ended bedstead and into the next world.

That evening’s six-o'clock TV news
had the rest of the story. Informed of his
friend’s death, Angel Herrera had re-
canted his original story and admitted that
he and Cruz had conceived and executed
the Tillary burglary on their own. It had
been Miguelito who had stabbed the Til-
lary woman when she walked in on them.
He'd picked up a kitchen knife while Her-
rera watched in horror. Miguelito always
had a short temper, Herrera said, but they
were friends, even cousins, and they had
hatched their story to protect Miguelito.
But now that he was dead, Herrera could
admit what had really happened.

е

I was in Armstrong's that night, which
was not remarkable. I had it in mind to get
drunk, though I could not have told you
why, and that was remarkable, if not
unheard of. I got drunk a lot those days,
but І rarely set out with that intention. I
just wanted to feel a little better, a little
more mellow, and somewhere along the
way ГА wind up waxed.

I wasn't drinking particularly hard or
fast, but I was working at it, and then
somewhere around ten or 11 the door
opened and I knew who it was before 1
turned around. Tommy Tillary, well
dressed and freshly barbered, making his
first appearance in Jimmy's place since
his wife was killed.

“Hey, look who’s here!” he called out
and grinned that big grin. People rushed
over to shake his hand. Billie was behind
the stick, and he’d no sooner set one up on
the house for our hero than Tommy
insisted on buying a round for the bar. It
was an expensive gesture—there must
have been 30 ог 40 people in there—but I
don’t think he cared if there were 300 or
400.

I stayed where | was, letting the others
mob him, but he worked his way over to
me and got an arm around my shoulders.
“This is the man,” he announced, “Best
fucking detective ever wore out a pair of
shoes. This man’s money,” he told Billie,
“is no good at all tonight. He can’t buy a
drink; he can’t buy a cup of coffee; if you
went and put in pay toilets since I was last
here, he can’t use his own dime.”

“The john’s still free,” Bil
don’t give the boss any ideas.”

“Oh, don’t tell me he didn’t already
think of it,” Tommy said. “Matt, my boy,
I love you. I was in a tight spot, I didn’t
want to walk out of my house, and you
came through for me.”

What the hell had I done? I hadn't
hanged Miguelito Cruz or coaxed a con-
fession out of Angel Herrera. I hadn't
even set eyes on either man. But he was
buying the drinks, and I had a thirst, so
who was I to argue?

said, “but

I don’t know how long we stayed there.
Curiously, my drinking slowed down even
as Tommy’s picked up speed. Carolyn, I
noticed, was not present, nor did her name
find its way into the conversation. I won-
dered if she would walk in—it was, after
all, her neighborhood bar, and she was apt
to drop in on her own, I wondered what
would happen if she did.

I guess there were a lot of things I won-
dered about, and perhaps that’s what put
the brakes on my own drinking. I didn’t
want any gaps in my memory, any gray
patches in my awareness.

After a while, Tommy was hustling me
out of Armstrong’s. “This is celebration
time,” he told me. “We don't want to sit in
one place till we grow roots. We want to
bop a little.”

He had а car, and I just went along
with him without paying too much atten-
tion to exactly where we were. We went to
a noisy Greek club on the East Side, 1
think, where the waiters looked like Mob
hit men. We went to a couple of trendy
singles joints. We wound up somewhere
in the Village, in a dark, beery cave.

lt was quiet there, and conversation
was possible, and I found myself asking
him what Pd done that was so praise-
worthy. One man had killed himself and
another had confessed, and where was my
role in either incident?

“The stuff you came up with,” he said.

"What stuff? I should have brought
back fingernail parings, you could have
had someone work voodoo on them.”

“About Cruz and the fairies.”

“Не was up for murder. He didn’t kill
himself because he was afraid they'd get
him for fag bashing when he was a
juvenile offender."

"Tommy took a sip of Scotch. He said,
"Couple days ago, huge black guy comes
up to Cruz in the chow line. ‘Wait’ll you
get up to Green Haven,’ he tells him.
"Every blood there's gonna have you for a
girlfriend. Doctor gonna have to cut you
à brand-new asshole, time you get outa
there.”

I didn't say anything.

"Kaplan," he said. "Drew talked to
somebody who talked to somebody, and
that did it. Cruz took a good look at the
idea of playin’ drop the soap for half the
jigs in captivity, and the next thing you
know, the murderous little bastard was
dancing on air. And good riddance to
him."

1 couldn't seem to catch my breath. I
worked on it while Tommy went to the
bar for another round. 1 hadn't touched
the drink in front of me, but I let him buy
for both of us.

When he got back, I said, “Herrera.”

"Changed his story. Made a full con-
fession.”

“And pinned the killing on Cruz.”

“Why not? Cruz wasn’t around to com-
plain. Who knows which one of ет did it,
and for that matter, who cares? The thing
is, you gave us the lever."

“For Cruz,” I said. “То get him to kill
himself."

“And for Herrera. Those kids of his in
Santurce. Drew spoke to Herrera’s lawyer
and Herrera’s lawyer spoke to Herrera,
and the message was, ‘Look, you're going
up for burglary whatever you do, and
probably for murder; but if you tell the
right story, you'll draw shorter time, and
оп top of that, that nice Mr. Tillary’s
gonna let bygones be bygones and every
month there’s a nice check for your wife
and kiddies back home in Puerto Rico.’ "

At the bar, a couple of old men were
reliving the Louis-Schmeling fight,
the second one, where Louis punished the
German champion. One of the old fellows
was throwing roundhouse punches in the
air, demonstrating.

I said, “Who killed your wife?”

“One or the other of them. If I had to
bet, Га say Cruz. Не had those litle
beady eyes; you looked at him up close and
you got that he was a killer.”

“When did you look at him up close?”

“When they came and cleaned the
house, the basement and the attic. Not
when they came and cleaned me out; that
was the second time.”

He smiled, but I kept looking at him
until the smile lost its certainty. “That
was Herrera who helped around the
house,” | said. “You never met Cruz."

“Cruz came along, gave him a hand.”

“You never mentioned that before.”

“Oh, sure I did, Matt. What difference
does it make, anyway?”

“Who killed her, Tommy?”

“Hey, let it alone, huh?”

“Answer the question.”

“I already answered it.”

“You killed her, didn’t you?”

“What are you, crazy? Cruz killed her
and Herrera swore to it, isn’t that enough
for you?"

“Tell me you didn’t kill her.”

“I didn't kill her.”

“Tell me again.”

“I didn't fucking kill her. What's the
matter with you?"

“ don’t believe you.”

“Oh, Jesus,” he said. He closed his
eyes, put his head in his hands. He sighed
and looked up and said, “You know, it’s а
funny thing with me. Over the telephone,
Pm the best salesman you could ever
imagine. I swear I could sell sand to the
Arabs, I could sell ice in the winter, but
face to face I’m no good at all. Why do you
figure that is?"

“You tell me.”

“J don’t know. I used to think it was my
face, the eyes and the mouth; I don't know.
It’s easy over the phone. Рт talking to a
stranger, I don’t know who he is or what
he looks like, and he's not lookin’ at me,
and it’s a cinch. Face to face, especially
with someone J know, it’s a different sto-
ry.” He looked at me. “If we were doin’
this over the phone, you'd buy the whole
thing."

“It's possible.”

“Its fucking certain. Word for word,
you'd buy the package. Suppose Г was to
tell you I did kill her, Matt. You couldn't
prove anything. Look, the both of us
walked in there, the place was a mess from
the burglary, we got in an argument, tem-
pers flared, something happened.”

“You set up the burglary. You planned
the whole thing, just the way Cruz and
Herrera accused you of doing. And now
you wriggled out of it.”

“And you helped me—don’t forget that
part of it.”

“I won't"

“And I wouldn’t have gone away for it
anyway, Matt. Not a chance. I’da beat it
in court, only this way I don’t have to go to
court. Look, this is just the booze talkin’,
and we can forget it in the morning, right?
Ididn’t kill her, you didn't accuse me, we're
still buddies, everything’s fine. Right?”

е

Blackouts are never there when you
want them. I woke up the next day and
remembered all of it, and I found myself.
wishing I didn't. He'd killed his wife and
he was getting away with it. And Pd
helped him. ГА taken his money, and in
return ГА shown him how to set опе man
up for suicide and pressure another into
making a false confession.

And what was I going to do about it?

I couldn't think of a thing. Any story I
carried to the police would be speedily
denied by Tommy and his lawyer, and all
Thad was the thinnest of hearsay evidence,
my own client’s own words when he and I
both-had a skinful of booze. I went over it
for a few days, looking for ways to shake
something loose, and there was nothing. I
could maybe interest a newspaper report-
er, maybe get Tommy some press coverage
that wouldn't make him happy, but why?
And to what purpose?

“Вш there are some days when
I can't handle the duality and I'd rather be just

totally fish."

PLAYBOY

158

It rankled. But I would just have a cou-
ple of drinks, and then it wouldn't rankle
so much.

е

Angel Herrera pleaded guilty to bur-
glery, and in return, the Brooklyn Р.А.
office dropped all homicide charges. He
went Upstate to serve five to ten.

And then I got a call in the middle of
the night. РА been sleeping a couple of
hours, but the phone woke me and I
groped for it. It took me a minute to recog-
nize the voice on the other end.

It was Carolyn Cheatham.

“1 had to call you," she said, “оп
account cf you're a bourbon man and a
gentleman. I owed it to you to call you.”

"What's the matter?"

“Не ditched me," she said, “апа he got
me fired out of Tannahill and Company
so he won't have to look at me around the
office. Once he didn't need me to back up
his story, he let go of me, and do you know
he did it over the phone?”

"Carolyn —-"

“Its all in the note," she said. “Рт
leaving a note."

"Look, don't do anything yet," I said. I
was out of bed, fumbling for my clothes.
“TIl be right over. We'll talk about it.”

“You can't stop me, Matt.”

“I won't try to stop you. We'll talk first,
and then you can do anything you
want.”

The phone clicked in my ear.

I threw my clothes on, rushed over
there, hoping it would be pills, something
that took its time. I broke a small pane of

glass in the downstairs door and let myself
in, then used an old credit card to slip the
bolt of her spring lock.

The room smelled of cordite. She was
on the couch she'd passed out on the last
time I saw her. The gun was still in her
hand, limp at her side, and there was a
black-rimmed hole in her temple.

There was a note, too. An empty bottle
of Maker's Mark stood on the сойсс table,
an empty glass beside it. The booze
showed in her handwriting and in the sul-
len phrasing of the suicide note.

I read the note. I stood there for a few
minutes, not for very long, and then I got a
dish towel from the Pullman kitchen and
wiped the bottle and the glass. I took
another matching glass, rinsed it out and
wiped it, and put it in the drainboard of
the sink.

I stuffed the пос in my pocket. I took
the gun from her fingers, checked rou-
tinely for a pulse, then wrapped a sofa
pillow around the gun to muffie its report.
I fired one round into her chest, another
into her open mouth.

I dropped the gun into a pocket and
left.

е
They found the gun in Tommy ТШа-
ry's house, stuffed between the cushions of
the living-room sofa, clean of prints inside
and out. Ballistics got a perfect match. Pd
aimed for soft tissue with the round shot
into her chest, because bullets can frag-
ment on impact with bone. That was one
reason ГА fired the extra shots. The other
was to rule out the possibility of suicide.

“I can't hear а word you're saying."

After the story made the papers, I
picked up the phone and called Drew
Kaplan. “I don't understand it," I said.
“Не was free and clear; why the hell did
he kill the girl?"

“Ask him yourself,” Kaplan said. Не
did not sound happy. “You want my oj
ion, he's a lunatic. I honestly didn't think
he was. I figured maybe he killed his wife,
maybe he didn't. Not my job to try him.
But I didn't figure he was a homicidal
maniac.”

“It’s certain he killed the girl?”

“Not much question. The gun’s pretty
strong evidence. Talk about finding some-
body with the smoking pistol in his hand,
here it was in Tommy’s couch. The idiot.”

“Funny he kept it.”

“Maybe he had other people he wanted
to shoct. Go figure a crazy man. No, the
gun’s evidence, and there was a phone
tip—a man called in the shooting, re-
ported a man running out of there and
gave a description that fitted Tommy pret-
ty well. Even had him wearing that red
blazer he wears, tacky thing makes him
look like an usher at the Paramount.”

“Tt sounds tough to square.”

“Well, somebody else'll have to try to
do it,” Kaplan said. “I told him I can't
defend him this time. What it amounts to,
I wash my hands of him.”

.

І thought of that when I read that
Angel Herrera got out just the other day.
He served all ten years because he was as
good at getting into trouble inside the
walls as he'd been on the outside.

Somebody killed Tommy Tillary with a
homemade knife afier he'd served two
years and three months of a manslaughter
stretch. I wondered at the time if that was
Herrera getting even, and I don't suppose
ТЇЇ ever know. Maybe the checks stopped
Boing to Santurce and Herrera tock it the
wrong way. Or maybe Tommy said the
wrong thing to somebody else and said it
face to face instead of over the phone.

I don’t think Га do it that way now. I
don't drink anymore, and the impulse to
play God seems to have evaporated with
the booze.

But then, a lot of things have changed.
Billie left Armstrong's not long after that,
left New York, too; the last I heard, he
was ой drink himself, living in Sausalito
and making candles. I ran into Dennis the
other day in а bookstore on lower Fifth
Avenue full of odd volumes on yoga and
Spiritualism and holistic healing. And
Armstrong's is scheduled to close the
end of next month. The lease is up for
renewal, and I suppose the next you
know, the old joint'll be another Korean
fruit market.

I still light a candle now and then for
Carolyn Cheatham and Miguelito Cruz.
Not often. Just every once in a while.

КОРТ RUSSELL

(continued from page 115)

“You can be too sensitive, too loving, too understand-
ing, too good. It’s wrong to be too good.”

been in the record books—which meant a
lot in minor-league ball—but the ump,
whom the pitcher didn’t like, had blown
the play. Our plan was to butter up the
ump completely; take him out and have a
couple of drinks after the game. So the
pitcher did. He apologized, said, “You
didn’t blow the call.” We then got the ump
really drunk. Meanwhile, the ump's wife,
who knew the pitcher and was privy to all
this, had gone along. Which was the
whole point. The pitcher had been dying
with the clap for a couple of weeks just on
the off-chance that he could pull off his
plan— which was to sleep with the ump's
wife. He did. Cut to three weeks later. It
was toward the end of the season. We ran
into the ump and he was still in a good
mood. Again, we went out with him for
some beers and he bragged about this and
that and all the girls he'd been with. Then
he said, “Shit, I don’t know where I got it,
but I got a hell of a dose of the clap.” The
pitcher just looked at him and said, “You
got it from your wife,” and told him the
whole story. Those two ended up going at
it like two bulldogs under a blanket. I saw
it all. It was brutal.

PLAYBOY: What's dangerous about you?
RUSSELL: Just what Pr capable of imagin-
ing, because one is capable of doing any-
thing he imagines. There is, however, an
acceptability level. There is that line
between all things, and it is of great con-
cem to anyone who wants to get a lot out
of life. I mean, what stops men from гар-
ing and pillaging? What stops a guy from
walking down the street and just fucking
any girl he wants to fuck? Not that it's
unacceptable to society but that it's un-
acceptable to him. What stops a woman
who's very much in love with her husband
from having, on a whim, another guy in
her bed when her husband comes home?
105 unacceptable to her. What stops you
from being mean and ruthless even though.
there is a level at which you will be both?
105 where you draw the line. The same is
true for sensitivity. You can be too sensi-
tive, too loving, too understanding, too
good. It’s wrong to be too good. At least,
it’s too much for me.

9.

PLAYBOY: You once said you hated your
generation. How will history sum us up?
RUSSELL: Our gencration—the baby-
boomers—is just like any other. And that’s
what I hate about them. They don’t seem
to understand that we're just another gen-
eration. We're just here to procreate the
race. But if you think you're going to

change the world forever, have the guts to
carry it out. Be dedicated enough, rather
than stop and say, "Oh, shit, 1 guess I
have to make a living. Oh, God, now Гус
got a family. Oh, God, now I have to take
this job." If you do that, you have no
balls. This generation didn't change basic
structures. И became other things. АП of it
was another view of youth going through
its period of wanting change for apparent-
ly no reason other than being young.
Every generation has that period. It's bio-
logical; otherwise, how could so many
people buy the same bag of shit? It would
be interesting to see something different.

10.
PLAYBOY: When was the last time you were
surprised?
RUSSELL: The last big surprise Г had was

iecur ma

“Well... how was I?”

Goldie Hawn. I was surprised by the way
I felt about her and by the way she was
and the way she looked—also, by the way
she could make me feel. I'd begun to think
that perhaps my lot in life wasn’t to feel
exactly how I wanted to feel with another
person. I thought maybe it was something
1 just wasn’t lucky witl was turning out
to be more of an effort than I'd ever
thought it should be. But after meeting
Goldie, I realized 1 was right in the first
place. I could just be who I was and some-
one would take me for that and not hold it
against me. I feel right. I feel like me. And
I'm still surprised.

1.

PLAYBOY: What more do women need to
know about men than they already do?

RUSSELL: I wonder if they need to know
any more at all. I wonder if perhaps the
need now is to know less. Everything these
days is so broken down and picked apart.
Now there's this incredible movement
toward understanding. But there are some
things in nature that we are never going
to understand. No matter how deeply
you get into it, there are always more

PLAYBOY

160

questions. And the answers don't apply to
all men. Every one is an individual. I
would prefer that men and women looked
at each other as individuals and tried 10
understand more about themselves.

12.

PLAYBOY: What fascinates the Hollywood
press?

RUSSELL: For some reason, the press will
always love an actor who has tremendous
personal problems or apparent ones. They
think that suggests creativity and ability.
They're wrong. It's just. personal. prob-
lems. But as long as the person is tre-
mendously tragic, with an emotionally
charged, up-and-down life, we're told
that’s why he's so great. Half the thing
with alcohol or drugs is that the great
moment will come in an actor’s life when
he admits he's an alcoholic or a drug
addict. Well, who the fuck cares? I don't
buy that he had to experience that to be a
great actor. I know very well some big
slars, great actors and actresses, who are
normal. But the press and the public like
to find something mysterious about them.
Meryl Streep is a good example. Meryl is
anice, simple, wonderful, great girl who is
а great actress. She’s got a tremendous
array of technical things to use and she
uses them. But mysterious? The public
likes to think about the mystery, because
otherwise, people would be saying, “Shit,
Icould do that." And the truth is that they
could, And a reason many actors are out of
work is that that’s what some of them did.
There are only so many jobs. I can’t tell
you how much І dislike that idea of build-
ing into a myth someone who is just stand-
ing on a mark and reading a line. Even
Brando is not a myth. Нез a man who
does a job, and he’s extremely good at it.

13.

PLAYBOY: You were probably in more Dis-
ney pictures than Dean Jones and Joe
Flynn combined. Assess Walt Disney’s
chances for survival as a studio head if he
were alive today

RUSSELL: Нед be the most successful film
maker today, simply because he was a
genius. He was able to stay ten, 15 years
ahead of his time. Sure, they don’t make
Disney’s kind of picture anymore. The
problem is that they don’t. Can you tell
me that Mary Poppins wouldn't succeed
today? It would probably be this year’s
best picture, because if he made Mary
Poppins today, Disney would again be 20
years ahead of his time without losing that
Jeeling. He was absolutely great at honest
emotion. He had that knack, I don’t know
if that meant he was in touch with the
public. I think he was just in touch with his
own brain. That was all that mattered.

14.

PLAYBOY: Which of Disney's cartoon char-
acters would you like to be for a day?
RUSSELL: Peter Pan. I love his outlook on

life. I love the world he lives in. It's one of
tremendous adventure and excitement. I
love that he's going to see it for as long as
he can. He doesn't want to grow up, and
he's never going to. [Laughs] My life is a
lot different from Peter Pan's. I wanted to
grow up. I wanted to fall in love and have
a family, and I wanted to be the father of
that family. I had to be big so I could hit
the ball out of the park.

15.

PLAYBOY: Which big-league manager
would you rather have to dinner: Billy
Martin or Tommy Lasorda?

RUSSELL: Billy Martin. I am not enamored
of false rah-rah. I like someone who will
fight, cheat, scratch, do anything to win—
without getting caught. And when you do
get caught, own up. Martin personifies
that, even if he’s playing somewhat of a
caricature of himself these days. He keeps
coming back.

16.

PLAYBOY: Have you ever wanted to portray
a Kennedy?

Russet: Jack Kennedy is a well-rounded
character suitable for a movie, and Гуе
been approached about playing him or
Bobby a number of times. But on the
whole, the Kennedys do not fascinate me.
Let's face it, though: There is a fascination
with them, because they are like our own
royalty. Pm just not much for royalty. The
Kennedys are just people, and one of them
was President. And he was killed. Ameri-
ca has a fascination with the people we
kill. But maybe it’s just a feeling of guilt
around the country.

17.

PLAYBOY: You've done a number of violent
films, such as Escape from New York, The
Thing and the Charles Whitman story,
The Deadly Tower. 15 America unnatu-
rally fascinated with violence? Arc critics
of violence in film and on television just
wasting their time?

RUSSELL: Not really. We're normally vio-
lent because the population is growing. If
you put enough rats in a cage, things start.
getting tough. It’s just that some of us are
more violent than others. When I’m in the
city for a long time, I get hyped up and
take things more to the extreme than when
I'm comfortable in Colorado.

Critics are totally wasting their time. It
should be explained to children early that
films and TV are not real life. They're
fakes, simply phonies. When I was seven,
we played Robin Hood with a plank over
an inflatable pool. When one of us fell into
the water, we poured catsup over him. We
played out our fantasies. We wanted it to
look like blood, but we didn’t think it was
blood. We knew it was catsup. That's just
what the movies are, and cartoons are an
extension of that. If you want to censor
that sort of thing in films and on TV, then
you have to do the same for books, art,

radio, plays. . . . The point is that this stuff
belongs on TV and in the movies. That's
where you can see fantasy before your
eyes—someone else's fantasy —and under-
stand that it’s not real. In real life, Wile
Е. Coyote gets up, wanders off and dies.
Most of the time, he doesn’t even get up.

18.

PLAYBOY: What should young boys learn
fathers?

They should learn the advan-
tages, disadvantages and good and bad
qualities of becoming a man, mixed in
with all the situations in life one might
have to handle. My father said some
things that have stuck and that gave me an
outlook on life that I appreciate—because
I enjoy life. He said, “Don’t respect your
elders as much as somebody who deserves
your respect.” Also “Never walk in a door
that you can’t walk out of.” And “If you're
getting paid a man’s salary, do a man’s
job.” Finally, “If you don’t do exactly
what you want to do, you won't be hap-
py.” Most people probably think things
are stacked against the last idea. But,
amazingly, it’s the easiest.

19.

PLAYBOY: Most actors use an interview Гог
publicity or as a soapbox for a favorite
issue. Is there a reason beyond those two
that you’re here?

RUSSELL: [Smiles wickedly] 1 like to lie in
interviews. Sometimes I'll just blatantly
lie, because a lot of lies are going to appear
anyway, so why not make some of them
up myself? Two years later, I'll be talking
with someone who will say, “You once
said .. ” and ГП say, “Мо, I didn’t.” Ten
minutes later, he'll say, "Well, you
said ..." and ГП say, “Yes, I did, but 1
lied." I don't mind giving the interview a
feeling of untruth, of its sort of being
a piece of flack that somebody will read
in a minute and a half on the toilet, that
doesn't make much difference. The media
in large part deserve that kind of bullshit,
because they dish it out. So why not have
fun with them? If I take it seriously and
then read things that are not true, it's
going to Вип. The only thing I can do is
fight back. I lie for it to be entertaining
when I read it. And I hope that by the
time I'm 50 years old, there will be such a
conglomeration of impossihle facts that it’s
impossible to put them together and the
press just gives up. I don’t really care to
have people know me unless I meet them
and I want them to get to know me.

20.

у: Have you lied to us?

[Shrugs] Probably. 1 probably
have. I honestly don’t remember. You'd
have to go through it. [Pauses] I don’t
think I've lied to you. But it really doesn’t
make any difference.

PLAYBOY GUIDE

OLYMPICS

A COMPLETE
TV VIEWER’S
HANDBOOK

ne

COVERAGE
INSIDE TIPS
AND OLYMPIA
TO WATCH

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KING: 17 mg. "tar", 1.3 mg. nicotine, 100's: 17 mg. "tar'.
14 mg. nicotine, av. per cigarette by FTC method.

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Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health.

/,
/ Share the spirit.
Share the refreshment.

AMBER LABEL

AE 7
DALS AWARDED TO BACAR

ТУ А

D UNDER THE SUPERVISION OF BAI
» S

Putyour Coke in the best of spirits.
Bacardi rum.

BACARDI „rum. Tastes great mixed because it tastes great unmixed. Made in Puerto Rico.

BACARDI AND THE BAT DEVICE ARE REGISTERED TRADEMARKS OF BACARDI & COMPANY LIMITED 1984 BACARDI IMPORTS, INC. MIAMI. FL. RUM 80 PROOF.
“COCA-COLA AND “COKE ARE REGISTERED TRADE-MARKS WHICH IDENTIFY THE SAME PRODUCT OF THE COCA-COLA COMPANY.

PLAYBOY GUIDE

PREVIEW

SFAR AS WEKNOW, the first Olympics
А“ televised, possibly because

most of the participants back in
776 wc competed in the nude. It was
thought then that clothes merely restricted
free movement.

Since women were barred from the first
Olympics under penalty of death, it was
an all-male event. Some 40,000 men
(there were very few no-shows) gathered
to watch other men grapple and run in the
buff. Ah, those Greeks.

Well, things have changed just a tad in
the past 2760 years. The 1984 Olympics,
thanks to television, will be seen by two
and a half billion people around the
world. Women are no longer subject to
the death penalty. And the athletes will be
clothed.

In many ways, the games have changed
dramatically over the years. They are now
every bit a spectacle. In Los Angeles,
10,000 athletes will be judged by 1200
officials. A million meals will be served
during the two weeks of competition,
including 50,000 pounds of beef, 80,000
pounds of poultry and 130,000 loaves of
bread. And when it’s all over, some
25,000,000 pounds of garbage will have
been collected.

ABC-TV will carry the games. Some
188 hours of coverage are planned. A
broadcast staff of 2500 people, 660 miles
of cable and 208 cameras will help make
Jim McKay the man who came to din-
ner—and breakfast and lunch.

A commercial minute during the Olym-
pics will cost $500,000, a hefty price tag to
tell you that М & M’s.and Snickers are
the official snack foods, Coca-Cola thc
official soft drink and Buick the official
car. Just so you don't get confused, Chev-

PLAYBOY GUIDE COVER PHOTOGRAPHY BY DAVID MECEY

rolet was the official car of the winter
Olympics—except for the ski team. Su-
baru was the official sponsor of the ski
team.

Old Spice and Blue Stratos are official
sponsors of the U.S. track-and-field team
but not of the entire Olympics. And Bud-
weiser and Michelob (for a contribution of
$11,000,000) are official sponsors of the
U.S. Olympic team—but Miller, because
it helped the cycling team train, is sort of
official, too. It’s allowed to use the sacred
five-ring Olympic symbol in its advertis-
ing. The price tag for that was a mere
$3,000,000.

Only 31 companies have been allowed
the privilege of donating a minimum of
$4,000,000 to the Olympic effort in order
to become official sponsors. But there are
other ways to get in on the boom. Former
heavyweight champ Ken Norton pledged
$500,000 to market the official Olympic
key chains. The Olympic Committee will
get a percentage of his profits.

And there’s an official Olympic thim-
ble, an official Olympic hairdresser and
even an official Olympic trash-can liner
(into which they put all the hair clipped
by the official Olympic hairdresser). You
get the idea. The Olympics have become
big business. Megabucks.

But we're here to tell you that that's
only one side of the story. When you look
past all the commerciali ion, the Olym-
pics really haven’t changed. Down on the
track and over in the swimming pool, it’s
still a matter of basic contests: man against
man and man against himself. All the
commercials in the world can’t change
that. It’s the Olympic dream, that special
feeling that allows the neighborhood kid to
believe that he might grow up to represent

his country against the best in the world.
And the dream can come true. Despite ай
the hype, Olympic athletes aren't really
superhuman. When you consider all the
advanced training techniques, the scientif-
ic approaches and the new equipment, we
haven’t really come all that far.

In 1908, American Harry Porter won
the high jump at a height of 6’ 3”. In
1976, the last time the U.S. participated,
Dwight Stones grabbed a medal at 7’ 3^.

In the 1924 Chariots of Fire games,
Harold Abrahams won the 100 meters in
10.6 seconds. In 1936, Jesse Owens
won in 10.3. And in 1980, Allan
Wells won in 10.25. After 44 years of
progress, Owens' time would have still
held up for a bronze medal.

It’s with the true challenge of athletics
in mind that we view the 1984 games. And
since most of you will be viewing on televi-
sion, we've geared our special Guide cov-
erage to help you understand and enjoy
the events even more. You'll learn what
and whom to look for, as we offer Olympic
previews and prognostications. So get your
spikes on. Here’s where the fun of the
games begins.

Maury ê lary

— Editor, Playboy Guides

PLAYBOY GUIDE

THE SEXIEST OLYMPIANS EVER

in this new event, we judged competition on stylistic

sensuality. here are the perfect 10s

Bob Seagren (above). One of the greatest
Olympic psych-out artists of all time, this
handsome and powerful pole vaulter
stunned track-and-field fans at the 768
Mexico games by coolly passing up a cru-
cial vault. He re-entered at 17/84" and on
the basis of fewest misses, won the gold.

Wilma Rudolph (below). Her grace-
ful, stallionlike strides made this 1960
three-gold-medal athlete one of the most
compelling runners to watch. Her beauty
was inward as well: Wilma, who weighed
only four and a half pounds at birth, over-
came childhood polio and scarlet fever.

f the games,

Nadia Comaneci
(right). This Romani-
an teenager wowed ет
at both the "76 and the
"80 games by executing
seemingly death-defying
gymnastic moves with utter
cool. With one of the most
athletic bodies ever to grace
Nadia made
Olympic history in 776 by
pulling down the first per-
fect scores of ten for her
performances on the un-
even bars and balance beam.

Donna de Varona (above). Complete
with classic UCLA good looks, this world-
record swimmer proved a showstopper in
the "64 games by winning the first individ-
ual-medley competition ever held for
women in Olympic swimming. Two days
carlicr, she had scored her first gold
as a member of the free-style relay team.

Johnny Weissmuller (right). This future
"Tarzan's good looks received more atten-
tion than his five swimming gold medals.
The actor stayed in such good shape that
at the age of 36, he was able to beat his
personal best of 51 seconds for the 100-
yard free style by two and a half seconds

Buster Crabbe (far right). Better known
for his dashing roles as Flash Gordon and
Buck Rogers than as an Olympic swim-
mer, Crabbe’s greatest role as a leading
man came in the 1932 games, when he
won the 400-meter free style by mere
inches with a frantic splash at the finish.

е! Catherwood. Only 18 years old
сп she won the gold for the high jump
the 1928 Amsterdam games, this rav-
ing and very popular Canadian was
nicknamed the Saskatoon Lily by the pho-
tographers who covered her every move

Victoria Draves (below). The daughter
of a Filipino father and an English moth-
er, this San Francisco native had a natural
beauty that held the press spellbound
throughout the 1948 games. Those also
interested in Draves's athletic prowess
were pleased when she won golds in the
springboard and highboard diving events.

Cassius Marcellus Clay (above). At the
age of 18, this Louisville boxing phenom
was already floating like a butterfly and
stinging like a bee. In the 1960 final,
he displayed his great defensive skills be-
fore going on the offense in the last round
and winning easily. Afterward, he asked
the press, Ain't 1 pretty?” He was.

Bruce Jenner. Not only did this boyish-
looking heartthrob win the °76 decathlon
with a world-record-setiing 8618 points
but he later married Elvis Presley's for-
mer girlfriend and turned to television.
His good looks helped him hawk such
basics as orange juice and breakfast cereal

Bob Hayes. Dubbed “the world's fastest
human," this Jacksonville, Florida, native
with the broad, muscular shoulders and
pigeon-toed running style quieted the
cynics in '64 by setting an Olympic record
in the 100-meter sprint. Hayes later took
his controversial style into the N.F.L.,
where he was twice chosen all-pro as a
wide receiver for the Dallas Cowboys.
Others would follow in his footsteps.

Vera Caslavska. Competing against the
Russians in 1968, just two months after
they had invaded her native Prague, this
gymnast with the ballerina-style moves
won over the Mexico spectators by alter-
nately displaying anger and sadness on
her way to an impressive seven gold med-
als. She topped off her record-setting
pace with a crowd-pleasing floor exercise
performed to the Mexican Hat Dance.

Jennifer Chandler (ей). Eight years
‘ago, this American diver drew as many |
press notices for her good looks as she did |
for her diving. Thankfully, the media |
hype didn’t prove distracting: She won the
gold easily over her East German rival. |

Teófilo Stevenson (below). A handsome
634" Cuban who dominated Olympic
boxing by winning gold medals in 772,
"16 and "B0 and proved his revolutionary
commitment by refusing a pro contract.

Rafer Johnson (belov left). This perfect-
ly proportioned Техап turned on the 1960
games by winning the decathlon in dra-
matic fashion over his UCLA teammate
Yang Chuan-Kwang. He later capital-
ized on his handsome, well-chiseled looks
as an actor and a sports commentator.

Ralph Boston (below). In winning the
long jump in 1960, this long-legged leaper
might well have been the closest thing |
to a gazelle the U.S. has ever produced.

THE Way Ir Was

a lightning history of the olympic

The Olympics date back almost 3000
years to ancient Greece. While the tradi-
tion and styles of the ancient Olympiads
were vastly different from those of today
(no one wore Adidas), many of the events
were similar. Wrestling, boxing, diskos
and javelin were part of the first program.
"The stade race was much like today's 200-
meter sprint. Other events included the
diaulos (400-meter sprint), chariot racing,
skamma (long jump) and hoplitodromos
(a foot race in battle armor). Tons of fun.
In 394 a.b., the almost 1200-year Olym-
pic tradition was laid to rest by Emperor
"Theodosius I, who declared the games a
pagan spectacle and banned the selling of
souvenir T-shirts. The arena was later
destroyed, but the tradition was not. Cen-
turies later, a Frenchman named Baron
Pierre de Coubertin proposed the idea of a
modern international Olympics. The
torch was rekindled, and in 1896, a new
era of games began. Here's how the mod-
ern Olympics played out

1896, Athens. As ап acknowledg-
ment of the games’ origins, the first mod-
ern games were held in Athens. More
than 140,000 people cheered as Spiridon
Loues, a hometown shepherd, won the
marathon,

1900, Paris. In contrast to the success-
ful Athens games, these Olympics were
used by the French government as merely
an adjunct to other expositions. Generally
a disorganized side show, but Americans
won 17 of 22 track-and-field events.

1904, St. Louis, American organizers
saw the Olympics as little more than a
gimmick to draw more tourists to the
world’s fair. Events were spread out over
four long months, with European partici-
pation almost nonexistent. More than 500
of the 617 competitors were Americans. A
mud-fighting event (concluded on page 188 }

167

PLAYBOY GUIDE

By TIM WHITAKER

LAUS QS.

"TRACK AND FIELD

100 METERS
Olympic Records
Men: 9.95 seconds
U.S.A.)
Women: 11.01 seconds (1976, Annegret
Richter, West Germany)

(1968, Jim Hines,

The 100 meters is your basic all-out
mad dash to the finish—making this the
race of seconds and inches. In the 1896
Athens games, an American won the 100
meters in 12 seconds flat, just over two
seconds off the current record.

Sprinters will do their dashing on a new
synthetic eight-lane track recently in-
stalled at the Los Angeles Coliseum, site
of the '84 track-and-field events. "They'll
be wearing six-ounce paper-thin spiked
shoes made of nylon and calfskin, glove
leather or kangaroo hide. Since it is likely
that at the finish, top runners will be sepa-
rated by no more than the thickness of an
average paperback book, it is important to
remember that judges will be watching
torsos at the finish line—as opposed to
feet, legs, arms, necks or heads.

Since the advent of sensing devices in
the starting blocks, sprinters are no longer
able to jump the gun; the pressure of the
runner’s feet holds open an electronic
switch that beeps when more pressure is
exerted—as happens in a false start.

The starting blocks are made of alu-
minum and have a built-in measuring
gauge so that runners may place them
where comfortable. A lock-in device im-
mobilizes the blocks.

While legs are important at the start,
you'll want to watch a runner's arms once
the starter’s pistol pops. The 100 is really
an upper-body race. Close-elbowed arm
pumping is how true power is generated

Historical footnote: Future Dallas Cow-
boys star Bob Hayes won the 100 meters
in the "64 Tokyo games by a seven-foot
margin, the widest in Olympic history.
Note, too, that in this same Los Angeles

Coliseum, in the 1932 games, Polish-
American Stella Walsh became the first
woman to break the 12-second barrier.

Armchair tip: The "world's fastest hu-
man” should win the men’s 100 meters
at a top speed of 28 mph. The women's
100 meters could be won in just under 11
seconds.

200 METERS

Olympic Records
Меп: 19.83 seconds (1968, Tommie Smith,
U.S.A)

Women: 22.03 seconds (1980, Barbel Wock-
el, East Germany)

Resembling the 100 meters in madness
of dashery, the 200 takes a turn and is run
from a staggered start. To guard against
lost curve time, sprinters try to hug the
inside of their four-foot lanes by leaning
inward. Runners break the race into four
parts: the start (featuring full-body lean
with rear leg and opposite arm thrusting
in sync); the acceleration (body straight-
ening slightly, high knee action and
pumping arms); full stride (racer more
erect, running on toes); and finish (begin-
ning 15 yards from the line with shortened
stride and accentuated lean, chest and
shoulders thrust forward).

Armchair tip: With this event usually
won on the curve, watch for runners who
best hug the inside of their lanes.

400 METERS

Olympic Records
Меп: 43.86 seconds (1968, Lee Evans,
U.S.A)

Women: 48.88 seconds (1980, Marita Koch,
East Germany)

The 400 runs from staggered starts.
Acceleration takes place in the first 50
yards; by 200 meters, runners reach their
planned set pace; at 300 meters, they hit
the imaginary “wall”; in the last 100
meters, they break through the wall to the
finish.

Most 400 runners prefer to draw one of
the first three lanes, which places them

Olympic medals are won and lost in the starting blocks.
Watch for runners who combine forceful rear-leg push
with а whipping opposite arm to gain acceleration.

on the inside of the track, where they
can use the other runners as reference.

Historical footnote: In 1968, when
Evans set his record, the top 12 men's 400-
meter runners were all Americans.

HURDLES

Olympic Records

100-meter hurdles (women only): 12.56 sec-
onds (1980, Vera Komisova, U.S.S.R.)
110-meter hurdles (men only): 13.24 seconds
(1972, Rod Milburn, U.S.A.)

400-meter hurdles (теп)
(1976, Edwin Moses, U.S.A.)
400-meter hurdles (women): new event

47.64 seconds

There are three types of hurdles: 100-
meter, 110-meter and 400-meter and ten
hurdles in each race. The hurdles them-
selves are designed in an L shape (for safe-
ty purposes, to fall over easily) and vary in
height from 36 inches (women’s 400 me-
ters) to 42 inches (men’s 110 meters).
Contrary to popular myth, hurdlers don’t
jump over hurdles—they step over them—
and they may knock down an unlimited
number of barriers without risking dis-
qualification.

The 400-meter hurdles is considered a
highly strategic event. By leaning his body
low upon approaching each barrier, a
hurdler is able to thrust his flexed leg over
the barrier while moving his folded leg
quickly past the lead leg. After clearing
each barrier, the hurdler sprints between
barriers at about a 14-stride average, eight
feet to a stride. To compensate for time
lost going around curves, he tries to take
the barrier to the inside of the lane.

ү? Т?
Еу 17

3000-METER STEEPLECHASE
(MEN ONLY)

Olympic Record
8.08.2 minutes (1976, Anders Garderud,

Sweden)

This 3350-yard (almost cight laps
around the track) obstacle-ridden course
consists of 28 hurdles and seven water
jumps. Steeplers separate the event into
three stages: hurdling, water negotiating
and between-hurdles technique.

RELAYS
The 4 X 100-meter and 4 X 400-meter
relays.

Olympic Records

Men (4 X 100-meter relay): 38.19 seconds
(1972, U.S.A.)

Women (4 X 100-тейег relay): 41.60 sec-
onds (1980, East Germany)

Men (4 X 400-meter relay): 2:56.16 (1968,
U.S.A)

Women (4 X 400-meter
(1976, East Germany)

The 400-meter relay is run in lanes
from staggered starts, with each member
of the four-person team running a quarter
of the distance. Usually, the first runner is
the team’s quickest starter; the second is
fastest on a straightaway; the third (some-
times the slowest of the team) is almost
always a skilled curve negotiator; the
fourth has the best kick.

Strategy and teamwork are the hall-
marks of the relay events. Of crucial
importance is the passing of the baton.
There are two techniques: upward thrust
(receiver holds palm inward with thumb
separated from the fingers) and down-
ward thrust (palm held upward with
thumb and fingers forming a V). Passes
are made at hip height, with arms at full
extension. Note: If a baton is dropped, the
runner who dropped it must recover it.

There are two relay zones: the ten-
meter exchange zone and the 20-meter
acceleration zone. Receivers begin their
run in the 20-meter acceleration zone but

relay): 3:19.23

А low center of gravity is the key to hurdling. Watch for alow lean and a quick snap of the lead
leg. At the finish, the runner whose upper body breaks the plane wins.

PLAYBOY GUIDE

can receive the baton only in the ten-meter
zone. The baton weighs three pounds, two
ounces, is 11 to 11% inches long and is
made of aluminum or alloy.

Unlike the 4 X 100-meter sprint, the
4 X 400-meter relay is run in lanes by the
first runner and by the second runner as
far as his or her exit from the first curve.
Because of this no-lanes rule, baton re-
ceivers on the third and fourth legs must
be alert for runners arriving anywhere
within the ten-meter exchange zone. Re-
lay teams sometimes try to psych out the
competition by juggling the order of run-
ners at the last moment.

Historical footnote: The U.S.A. has won
the 4 X 100-meter relay 13 out of the past
15 times.

800- AND 1500-METER RUNS

Olympic Records

Men (800-meter run): 1:43.50 (1976, Alber-
to Juantorena, Cuba)

Women (BOO-meter run): 1:53.42 (19BO, No-
dyezhda Olizaryenko, U.S.S.R.)

Men (1500-meter run): 3:34.91 (196В, Kip
Keino, Kenya)

Women (1500-meter run): 3:56.58 (1980,
Tatyana Kazankina, U.S.S.R.)

‘The 800-meter (two laps around the
track) run, requiring speed and stamina,
is considered one of the best indicators of
all-round running ability. Competitors
begin in staggered starts and run around
the track in lanes until the end of the first
turn, when they suddenly break for the
inside lane—the shortest route to the fin-
ish. Strategy for the 800-meter is rela-

tively simple: Don’t take an early lead (as
in stock-car racing, runners follow in the
“draft” created by the leaders); never pass
on a turn; never let a leader get ahead by
more than ten meters; don’t be intimidated
by jostlers (this is very physical); and save
enough kick for the final 100 meters.

The 1500-meter (the metric mile) is one
of the glamor runs of the Olympics, hav-
ing produced such legends as Jim Ryun,
Kip Keino and Paavo Nurmi. The 1500
starts at the head of the backstretch down
a straightaway from a “waterfall” start
designed so that competitors on the inside
don’t have unfair advantage. Runners be-
gin by sprinting for the inside position and
eventually fall in behind the leader in sin-
gle file.

The most popular (and often precari-
ous) 1500 strategy is to back off the pace
and make a challenge to the front runners
at the last possible moment. The finishing
kick can come with as much as 300 to 400
meters to go. When passed, runners will
often take position alongside the right
shoulder of the runner who went by to
prevent others from following in his path.
A runner must be two strides ahead of a
competitor he has passed before being
allowed to cut back to the inside lane.

3000-, 5000- AND 10,000-
METER RUNS

Olympic Records
Women (3000-meter run): new event

Men (5000-meter run) 13:20.34 (1976,
Brendan Foster, Great Britai
Men (10,000-meter run): 27:38.35 (1972,
Lasse Viren, Finland)

Endurance is the key in the long-dis-
tance runs. Runners compete against
опе another and (continued on page 188)

The pivotal point in the pole vault is the д
shifting of energy from the man to the
pole. Expect it to bend more than 90
degrees as the lead knee is pulled
inward for the clearing thrust.

While the plant and turn are key in the high-
jump flop, a flexible pelvis con keep the
competitor from butting the bar.

You know how Dr. J. seems to hang in the air
forever? Long jumpers, through sailing and
hitch-kicking, try for the same magic.

Wild Turkey Hill. :
The репа bogan 150 — ago

There's beena distillery on Wild Türkey Hill for almost 150 years.
~ Sometimes the air stands motionless in the valley, where the
? gentle-running waters of the Kentucky River flow. Büt on top of
the hill; constant breezescool our Wild Turkey whiskey naturally
| asitagesinthe barrel. Wild Turkey Hill is a place like no other.
Andit helps us make a Wild Turkey whiskey like no other.
WILD TURKEY*/ 101 PROOF/8 YEARS OLD

3 AUSTIN RACHOLS DISTILLING СО: LAWRENCEBURG, КЕЧТОСКУС 1984

PLAYBOY

172

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PLAYBOY GUIDE

SWIMMING AND DIVING

In diving, inward pikes call for a rotation
back toward the platform.

The 1984 swimming schedule is the most wide ranging in
history, with more than 900 competitors expected.

Men and women will compete in 15 events, including 100-
meter free style, 200-meter free style, 400-meter free style, 1500-
meter free style, 100-meter backstroke, 200-meter backstroke,
100-meter breast stroke, 200-meter breast stroke, 100-meter but-
terfly, 200-meter butterfly, 200-meter individual medley, 400-
meter individual medley and 800-meter free style (women only).
Men's-team relay events include the 4 X 100-meter medley relay,
the 4X 100-meter free-style relay, the 4 X 200-meter free-style
relay and the 4 X 100-meter relay. Women’s-team relay events
include the 4 X 100-meter medley relay, the 4 X 100-meter free-
style relay and synchronized swimming.

‘The first Olympic swimming contests were held outdoors in
55-degree water, but not to worry: The 1984 competition will take
place in a $7,000,000 pool complex with the water heated to 77
degrees. The pool itself is some six fect deep, measuring 55 yards
long and 25 yards wide. There are eight swimming lanes—each
eight feet, two inches wide—divided by ropes with ficats. Compet-
itors start from a raised 29¥2-inch platform of nonskid material.

Swimmers receive lane assignments for trial heats according to
their fastest pre-Olympic competitive times. Center lanes are
reserved for the fastest times, with the next fastest assigned to
lanes to the left and right of the center.

‘As in track and field, the real strategy in swimming comes in
the longer events. While the shorter sprints are considered tests of
strength as swimmers make their rush to the finish, the 800- and
1500-meter races require pacing and strategy. Most important to
swimmers is the racing dive—a long, on-the-stomach, full-pow-
ered push off the starting platform.

‘There аге four major swimming styles: the free style (the all-
purpose crawl), the backstroke, the breast stroke and the butterfly
(swimmers use scissorlike leg movements with arms pulling and
lifting over the surface). In individual medley events, swimmers
use all four strokes to compete an equal distance; in team medley
swimming, each individual in the four-person team employs, in
order, the backstroke, the breast stroke, the butterfly and the free
style.

p es need a score card just to keep track of the officials. In
addition to the head referee, there are a chief timekeeper, lane
timekeepers, a starter, stroke judges, turning judges, finish judges,
a recorder and a clerk. Most important are the stroke judges, who
enforce the rules regarding each style of swimming, and the turn-
ing judges, who make sure that turns are executed within the rules
(in addition to informing competitors, via lap cards, of the number
of remaining laps).

Any swimmer causing a third false start (even if he had nothing
to do with the first two) is immediately disqualified. Electronic
timing keeps track of each swimmer via a (concluded on page 193)

Watch for the swimmer who stretches the farthest on the
starting dive to gain early momentum.

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PLAYBOY GUID

GYMNASTICS

games can be found in the gymnastic
events. A lot of the credit for the boom
belongs to such female performers as Olga
Korbut (72) and Nadia Comaneci (76)--
it was their grace under pressure, as well
as their sheer sex appeal, that made fans
of television watchers everywhere.
In addition to this year's ten artistic
events for men and women, women-only
rhythmic gymnastics will be featured for
the first time. Mer's artistic gymnastics
includes floor exercises, pommel horse,
parallel bars, horizontal (high) bar, rings
and vaulting. Women’s artistic gymnastics
includes floor exercises, balance beam,
vaulting and uneven parallel bars.
Rhythmic gymnastics features women
working in carefully choreographed team
formations. The performances consist of a
series of ballet-style movements based on a
spectrum of steps, jumps and pivots. In
vidual athletes perform one routine with
each of four props: а ball, a ribbon, a hoop
and a club. Each routine must contain two
moves of superior difficulty and six of
medium difficulty.

Floor exercises are performed on a soft
mat four and a half centimeters thick and

12 meters square. Scores are based on
flexibility, physical strength, skill, flair,
grace under pressure, personality, inven-
tiveness and rhythm. Men's floor exercises
last for 70 seconds, while women—who
perform their ‘exercises to piano ассот-
paniment—are permitted 90 seconds.

In vaulting, the leather-covered horse is
1.63 meters long, with a height of 1.35
meters for men, 1.1 meters for women.
After a run-up of some 20 meters, compet-
itors take off from either a standing stop or
a springboard 1.2 meters long. Women
approach the horse from the side, men
from one end. All competitors are obliged
to perform one mandatory vault in addi-
tion to one of their own choosing. They
get two attempts at each.

The wooden-handled pommel horse—
used in men’s competition only—is 1.1
meters high and the handles are 45 centi-
meters apart. Two curved pommels
are mounted on the horse, dividing the
leather-covered surface into three parts.
Supporting himself on the pommels, the
athlete uses his arms to execute nonstop
turns, swings and leg-scissor movements.

The parallel bars—42 centimeters
apart and 1.6 (concluded on page 185)

The best horse vaults have good height and forward propulsion.
А wobbly landing соп quickly lose points. On the balance beam,
the full length (16’5”) is to be used, with no stops permitted.

PLAYBOY GUIDE

1980 Olympic Heavyweight Champions
(Over 81 kilograms—179 pounds)

1. Teofilo Stevenson (Cuba)

2. Pyotr Zoev (U.S.S.R.)

3. Jurgen Fanghanel (East Germany)

Like it or not, you'll be hearing a lot
from Howard Созей. Boxers from 80
nations will be featured in 400 bouts in 12
weight divisions—from 106-pound light
flyweights to 201-pound superheavy-
weights—over the course of 11 days.

Olympic boxing is a distant cousin to
pro boxing. While winners are deter-
mined in the classic ways (through a
knockout or a TKO or on points), ama-
teur boxing matches consist of only three
three-minute rounds. In addition, five
judges sit around the 20-foot-square ring
and evaluate fighters on a 20-point must
system (in which the winner of each round
is awarded 20 points. The loser gets pro-
portionately less)

Boxers must adhere to a mandatory
eight count: When a boxer is knocked
down, he must wait on the canvas until the
count of eight before resuming action. If
he gets knocked on the canvas again, the
referee (who doesn’t take part in scoring)
may then count a man out.

There are other amateur-judging idio-
syncrasies. Olympic judges bestow points
for clean, crisp punches thrown; thus, a
boxer who scores a sudden knockout will
earn points but may not be awarded
with victory in the same way as a pro

counterpart, Judges are quicker to ex-
clude punches with an open glove and
ones that don’t exhibit total body control.

In Olympic boxing, if a man is on the
canvas at the end of a round, the bell is
not sounded and the count continues.

While Olympic boxing often features
more defensive strategy (the “реекаЬоо”
style, for example, in which a boxer fights
from behind two upheld gloves, is a favor-
ite) than pro bouts, amateurs employ the
same age-old styles as their professional
counterparts.

Boxers also have to be wary of accumu-
lating “harm fouls”—warnings issued by
the referee for illegalities. Three warnings
result in disqualification.

In addition to the five judges, who keep
score on pads, there is a three-to-five-man
technical jury that sits in judgment of the
referees and judges. The technical jury has
the right to overrule any decision.

Boxers in the light-fly-to-welterweight
classes wear eight-ounce marked gloves;
boxers in the light-middle-through-super-
heavyweight classes wear ten-ounce
gloves. The gloves have a white band at
the knuckle areas. This is considered the
legal hitting area. Simply, the white
makes a good blow easier for the judges to
see and score.

Armchair tip: Watch for boxers who
know when to unload a payoff punch and
when to go in for the kill when their орро-
nent’s in trouble.

The white area on an Olympic boxing glove is the proper hitting surface. The glove is painted
so judges at ringside can score more easily when legal blows are landed.

WRESTLIN

Forget all you know about wrestling,
both pro and amateur. Olympic wrestling
is a sport unto itself —two sports, actually:
Greco-Roman and free style. And there
are ten weight divisions (ranging from 106
pounds to superheavyweights’ unlimited
weight) in each style.

As you might expect from its name,
Greco-Roman wrestling has its roots in
the Greek Olympics—and is therefore
considered the purest form of the sport.
No holds may be made below the hips,
and all use of the legs is prohibited. Wres-
tlers also begin from a standing position
and try to take their opponent down for a
pin or a fall by using only their arms.

In the more open free-style version of
the sport, more wrestling rules apply.
A wrestler can be victorious in a free-style
bout by pinning an opponent's shoulders
or back to the mat for half a second.

Matches for both styles of wrestling
consist of two three-minute rounds. Wres-

tlers score points during the course of a
match with successful holds, superior po-
sitions and near throws. The system of
scoring is the same in both Greco-Roman
and free-style wrestling. If after six min-
utes neither wrestler has scored a fall, the
competitor with the higher number of
points wins the match.

If a wrestler scores 12 or more points,
the judges—seven in all, including the ref-
eree—may terminate the match.

Wrestlers also may lose а match
through penalty points, a complicated
method of scoring designed to discourage
passivity. Matches are held on an open
mat with an “active” circle that’s seven
meters in diameter. The passivity area,
used for quick rests, extends another two
meters around.

Armchair tip: Watch for wrestlers who
are able to take early advantage and keep
it. Many wrestling matches are won psy-
chologically in the opening minute.

Forget Hulk Hogon. No опе gets thrown over the ropes in Olympic wrestling. It all happens on

а mat with active, passive and protective areas.

` PLAYBOY GUIDE

BASKETBALL

Once upon a time, the U.S.A. could
count on picking up an easy gold medal in
men's basketball. No longer. While the
U.S.A. is still the odds-on favorite for '84,
basketball’s increasing popularity in
Italy, Spain and elsewhere (as well
as the continuing trend of U.S.A. col-
lege basketball standouts to reject the
Olympics in favor of turning pro) keeps
U.S.A. coach Bobby Knight from taking
anything for granted.

Olympic basketball is played with a 30-
second shot clock. As in U.S.A. college
rules, there are two 20-minute halves.

In Olympic round ball, when a player
is fouled in the act of shooting (and Ше
basket is not made), that player is
awarded three opportunities to make two
foul shots. Technical fouls against a play-
er on the court result in two foul shots.
Bench technicals are good for one free
throw. Teams are allowed only eight fouls
per half; after that, two free throws are

awarded on every foul.

The most noticeable difference on an
Olympic court is the fanning out of the
foul lane, allowing for less cramped quar-
ters on a free-throw rebound

To determine medal winners, Olympic
basketball teams are put into brackets.
Each bracket plays a round robin in which
a win counts as two points and a loss
counts as one point. If two teams finish
with the same number of points, the team
that wins the tie-breaking game also wins
the higher medal.

Historical footnote: Women’s basketball
was introduced to the Olympics in Mont-
real in 1976. In both the 76 and the
°80 games, the women's competition was
dominated by the Soviets; in '80, the
U.S.S.R.'s women’s team won every game
by more than 31 points.

Armchair tip: Even though the U.S.A.
squad will include such one-on-one stal-
warts as North Carolina's Michael Jor-
dan and Georgetown's Patrick Ewing,
expect Knight—a strict disciplinarian—to
enforce a team brand of play.

WEIGHT LIFTING

1980 Olympic Heavyweight Champions (to-
tal kilograms—45 kilograms equal 99.21
pounds)

1. Leonid Taranenko (U.S.S.R.): 422.5 kg.
2. Valentin Christov (Bulgaria): 405 kg.

3. Gyorgy Szolai (Hungary): 390 kg.

‘The psychological drama that these
often-gargantuan athletes bring to their
performances makes this one of the most
popular televised events. Many weight
lifters go into a prelift trance just before
approaching the bar bells and into a post-
lift emotional release just afterward—all
of which makes for great television.

Olympic weight lifting features a two-
lift program: the two-handed snatch and
the clean and jerk.

In the two-handed snatch (considered
the more difficult event), the athlete lifts
the bar from the floor to over his head in
one movement, holding it there for two
seconds. There are two popular two-
handed-snatch techniques: the squat and
the split (in which one leg is thrust for-
ward while the other is thrust backward).
Whatever the technique, the lifter may not
turn his wrists over or extend his arms
unevenly in the lifting process.

In the clean and jerk, the lifter first
brings the weight up to his shoulders and
then, using the combined strength of his
arms and legs, raises the weight over
his head. The clean step of the lift requires
that the athlete hoist the bar bell to a tem-

porary position at the shoulders until he
achieves an erect posture; the next step,
the jerk, requires that the bar be lifted in
one motion from the shoulders to over the
head, with arms locked at the elbows. The
weight must be held over the lifter’s head
for two seconds.

There are ten weight-lifting weight
divisions, ranging from flyweight (114
pounds) to superheavyweight (242 pounds
and over). Each country may enter a total
of ten weight lifters (it may enter one in
each division or skip a division and double
up on another). A competitor has three
chances at each lift, but if he fails a lift,
he may go toa higher one. Weight-lifting
order is determined by the weight on the
bar—lifters perform when the weight they
have requested is placed on the bar. Win-
ners are those who lift the most total
weight, both snatch and clean and jerk.

"The bar bell itself is seven feet long and

just over an inch wide and is made of
chrome vanadium. Located at either end
are revolving sleeves to which the weight
plates are attached. The weights, called
bumper plates, range from just over one
pound to just over 99 pounds.

To protect their backs, competitors
wear a four-and-a-half-inch-wide leather
lifting belt. To ensure a better grip, they
are permitted to apply chalk to their
hands. Some also apply talc to their pes
to help the bar slide down thei

Historical footnote: Olympic. Wen lift-
ing used to be a three-lift event. The con-
troversial press was eliminated after the
1972 games.

Armchair tip: Since it is sometimes dif-
ficult for the layman to distinguish be-
tween a valid and an invalid lift, pay
attention to the judges’ flashing lights:
White indicates a valid lift, red an illegal
attempt.

The best weight lifters do the snatch as one continuous movement. Watch the wrists. If the

lifter turns them over before the Бат hos passed his head, he’s lost it.

4 out of 9 Sony car
stereo owners

would go down the
sameroad again.

It seems there is one road that most Sony owners would gladly travel again.
The road to a Sony car stereo.

Ina recent survey, an overwhelming majority of Sony car stereo owners contacted
gave Sony the ultimate testimonial. They said they would be more than willing to
buy a Sony адаш As one Sony owner, Ronald Dokken of Minneapolis, Minnesota, vol-
unteered, "When there's a car stereo that sounds as good and works as well as a
Sony, why would ycu want another one?"

In fact, most Sony car stereo owners when asked went so far as to say that they
would keep their car stereos longer than they'd keep their cars. Or, in the words of
Valerie Roussel of New Orleans, Louisiana: "My car was in the shop for a few weeks.
I missed my car stereo a lot more than my car” And Mark Share of Tempe, Arizona,
added, “I have two cars and two kinds of car stereos. I find myself driving the car with
the better sounding one—the Sony.”

Which is not at all surprising, considering the fact that Sony car stereos are
not just engineered to perform reliably. They are also engineered to deliver bril-
liant high-fidelity stereo sound. Because they take advantage of the same experience
and innovative technology that goes into Sony's home stereos.

So if you're in the market for a car stereo, it makes sense to go down the same
road that 4 out of 5 Sony owners would travel. SONY.
THE ONE AND ONLY.

PLAYBOY GUIDE

KEEPING TRACK

winning in the olympics

is a matter of body and sole

In the first Olympics, the Greeks ran
barefoot. That saved a few bucks on
equipment but made the use of spikes
rather messy. Today's track-and-field
shoes are scientifically designed to with-
stand the demands of each event and
each athlete. Here, a sampling.

Clockwise from top, an Adidas high-
jump shoe. This one is for the flop style.
On a straddle shoe, the spikes are other-
wise aligned because of the different
jump techniques. The shoe shown is for
the plant foot. The six spikes up front
offer traction and stabi On his other
foot, the jumper wears a different kind of
shoe—usually one with only four spikes
up front. Next are Nike javelin shoes. As
the thrower gains speed up the runway,
the long spikes help him stop momentum
in order to plant his feet and shift his
weight for the heave. Marathon shoes,
such as the New Balance Comp 250s,
protect the feet and legs from road shock.
Special lightweight insoles buffer the
pounding, while combination lasts
provide forefoot flexibility and rear-
foot control. Long-jump shoes, from
Adidas, are constructed for runway
speed (on the toes) and for hitting the
board just right for take-off. Length
of spikes differs with athlete, technique
and surface. Hurdle shoes, from Puma,
have semisymmetrical spike placement.
Three lateral spikes provide maximum
traction upon landing, while three others
also come into play as the foot is rolled
and propelled. Velcro closures allow
greater support and flexibility.
The Nike shot-put/hammer/discus
shoe has a wrap-around rubber
sole for best grip on the
concrete or asphalt circles. To
counter stress, there are Velcro
cross straps that hook to the
heel counter. The New Balance
Spike 500, for middle- and long-dis-
tance track racing, has a. polycthylene
wedge for proper heel lift and protection
against Achilles'-tendon and calf strain.
A ПехіЫе spike plate provides the give
and traction needed (ог longer runs.
Center, an Adidas shoc for short sprints.
Since sprinters run on their forefeet, the
soles are paper-thin, giving more stabili-
ty on the starting block. Length of spikes
(which provide grip and traction) varies
with the sprinter and the surface.

PHOTOGRAPHY BY DON АТЫМА

PLAYBOY GUIDE

OLYMPIANS TO WATCH

meet the names who could dominate the games

Edwin Moses (below). Undefeated for six
years in the 400-meter hurdles, this 28-
year-old has been waiting eight years to
show what he can do in front of an inter-
national audience. Expect him to try to
steal the track-and-field limelight by best-

ing the “impossible” 47-second barrier.

Michael Gross (below). This 6767
West German swimmer has suffered
the inevitable Olympic comparisons;
luckily, he is able to live up to the
advance billing. His current times
would leave Spitz dead in the water.

Rob de Castella (above). Cuban-born
New Yorker Alberto Salazar may be bet-
ter known, but this Australian biophysi-
cist beat him handily in Rotterdam last
year. De Castella’s secret to marathon
success: perfectly timed finishing sprints
combined with a finely tuned intelligence.

Rebecca Twigg (below). At 21, this
American cyclist is known for her legend-
ary sprint. A strong, aggressive rider, she
took the world championship in "82. In
this year’s 70-kilometer road race, the first
women’s Olympic cycling event, Twigg
and teammate Connie Carpenter give the
U.S. squad a good shot at a medal.

Eamonn Coghlan (right). Legendary on
the U.S. indoor circuit, he’s an American-
based Irishman (and disciple of Jumbo
Elliott, the late Villanova guru) who has
built up his outdoor game in recent years
and expects to show his new-found
strength in the 5000-meter competition.

Mary Decker (far right). Combining
grace and power, this 25-year-old Califor-
nia native is the odds-on favorite to win
the gold in the women’s 1500 and 3000
meters. Her last-second sprint to the finish
line should leave her Russian and Europe-
an opponents fighting for second place.

Cheryl Miller. This 63” USC round
baller averaged 22 points and 11 rebounds
a game in leading her team to the
N.C.A.A. championship. With her tcam-
mate Pam McGee also on the squad, the
0.5. women’s team has its best shot ever.

Carl Lewis (above). This 62" speedster
should Ье to the Olympics what Michacl
Jackson was to the Grammys. He has a
good shot at equaling Jesse Owens’ four-
gold-medal streak and becoming the first
to break the 30-foot barrier in the long
jump. And the smart money is on him.

Greg Louganis (below). Favored to win
the highboard-diving gold medal, this
native Californian is also among the
favorites in the springboard event. Expect
the hometown crowd to give inspiration.

PEN

Michael Jordan. After
losing a heartbreaker to Bobby
Knight’s Indiana team in the
N.C.A.A. regionals, this 6/6”
UNC leaper with the 19.6
scoring average will be play-
ing for Olympic coach Knight,
with plans to prove he might be
next year’s top pro prospect.

Willie deWit. This Canadian
heavyweight is conditioned by a
former ring disciple of — believe
it or not—Idi Amin. This 201-
pound slugger is for real

most Nissan yet. Ме
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thing, we left out nothing:

* Biggest standard engine in the
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PLAYBOY GUIDE

PLAYBOY’S OLYMPIC
HALL OF FAME

the strongest, the fastest, the best. here are

some athletes we'll never forget

Jesse Owens (above). The son of an
Alabama cotton picker, he reigned over
Hitlers parade in the 36 Berlin games
by meeting or setting 12 Olympic records
and winning gold medals in the 100 and
200 meters, long jump and sprint relay.

Bob Beamon. This gangly American
stunned the world in '68 by launching а
292¥” jump (a record many thought
would stand for years).

Mark Spitz (above). In the '72 games,
this cocky 22-year-old silenced the critics
by swimming to seven gold medals—every
one a new world record.

Olga Korbut. With a pair of 72 gold
medals, no one stole the hearts of more
Olympic fans than this 88-pound Russian
gymnast with elflike charisma.

Oscar Robertson. With such future
pro standouts as John Havlicek, Jerry
Lucas and Walt Bellamy playing support-
ing roles, “the Big O” led the greatest
team in basketball history to an easy gold
medal in 1960.

Floyd Patterson. A Brooklyn reform
school graduate, this 17-year-old middle-
weight mesmerized boxing fans at the "52,
games by overwhelming opponents with a
flurry of combinations. He topped off his
stellar performance with a first-round
knockout to claim the gold medal.

Paavo Nurmi. “The Phantom Finn”
was legendary in middle- and long-dis-
tance running in the '20 and 24 games,
winning a total of ninc gold medals.

Jim Thorpe. This Sac Indian from
Oklahoma monopolized the 1912 games
by winning both the pentathlon and the
decathlon (a record he held for 12 years).

Mildred “Babe” Didrikson (below).
Voted the greatest woman athlete of the
half century by an А.Р. poll in 1950,
“Babe the Unbeatable” became the dar-
ling of the "32 games by winning the finals
of the 80-meter hurdles in a record-setting
11.7 seconds. For an encore, she set a
world record in the javelin and nearly won
a third gold medal in the high jump.

Rounding out our list of Hall of Fame
inductees are Cassius Clay and Johnny
Weissmuller, both of whom can also be
found in our Sexiest Olympians section.
"Talk about double threats. . . .

STRANGE
MOMENTS

the famous and forgotten

experience the joy of victory and

the agony of passing urine

Think it's all been agony and ecstasy?
Think again. Some of the best moments in
Olympic history have been the just plain
weird. Take the case of the giant wrestler
Milo of Croton, who ate an entire bull one
day at Olympia. Or, in modern times, the
British boxer who couldn’t produce urine
for a routine test. Or the German track-
and-field star who was banned from com-
petition for being a hermaphrodite

This is the stuff of which Olympic mo-
ments are made. Consider the following:

NEVER MIND
When Argentine flyweight Pascual
Perez learned that he was slightly over the
weight limit to qualify for the 48 games,

he shaved his head in an effort to lose
valuable ounces. Shortly afterward,
Olympic officials discovered that the scales
had been incorrect and that Perez had
been under the weight limit all along,

YOU WOMEN DON’T HAVE TO
ANSWER THE ONE ABOUT
YOUR GRANDFATHER

An official questionnaire distributed to
all 1900 Olympians queried, “Were you
reared as an infant naturally or artificial-
ly? What is the color of your beard? How
strong was your grandfather?”

A CIGARETTE USUALLY DOES
THE TRICK
In 1968, U.S. jumper Bob Beamon
admitted having sexual intercourse the
night before competing for the gold. The
result: а 292%” jump—a world record.
Said Beamon, “What do I do now?”
THAT'LL TEACH THEM
TO READ TV GUIDE
While watching television in the
Olympic Village during the '72 games,
American sprinters Eddie Hart and Rey
Robinson suddenly realized they were
looking at the start of their own competi-

tion. Panicked, they rushed out of their
rooms, took a cab to the stadium but ar-
rived too late. Moaned Hart, “How do you
tell your father you aimed for something
for two years and blew it like this?”

NOW, THIS IS A GUN, SIR,
AND THAT’S THE SIDE OF
ABARN....

The 1912 games featured a soon-to-be-
famous entrant. Then-Lieutenant George
5. Patton, old blood and guts himself, was
a contestant in the pentathlon. He finished
well in most contests but dropped to fifth
place because of a surprisingly low score
in one event—pistol shooting.

READY, SET, HIC

Eleanor Holm, a young swimmer with
the American team, was dismissed from
the 1936 games in Munich for drinking
during the boat trip from New York.

SCHMUCK!

After winning the gold in the 1972
games in Munich, Cuban heavyweight
boxer Teofilo Stevenson turned down a
$2,000,000 offer to turn pro, saying, “1
wouldn't exchange my piece of Cuba for
all the money they could give me.”

PLAYBOY GUIDE

AND Now А WORD
FROM OUR SPONSORS

This is the stuff of which
official Olympic memories are
made. You can eat these things,
drink them, wear them, throw
them. They cost anywhere
from 35 cents for a can of soda.
to more than $5000 for a gold
watch. Believe it or not, we've.
induded a relatively small
sampling here. Since souvenir
collecting might be the 25th
event of these games, consider
this a warm-up. How many
can you spot?

Shirt and shorts (Levi
Strauss), tie (Cervantes), sun-
glasses (Vuarnet), hat and gym
bag (Adidas), notebook (Stuart.
Hall), guidebook (Access Press
Ltd.), pen-and-pencil set (Pen-
tel of America), gold pocket
watch (Longines), towel
(Designer Towels), track-and-
field-team brass torch (Symbl-
com), thimble (Papel Imports),
Coca-Cola, Frisbee (Wham-
О), key chain (Ken Norton),
Sam the Eagle (Wallace Ber-
rie), Snickers and M & M’s
(M & M/Mars), Thermos
bottle and mug (Aladdin).

How ТО SAVE THE GAMES

"The °84 Olympics have been on television for more than a
year now—at least in Colorado Springs. "That's the site of the
Olympic Training Center, where coaches have been using an
assortment of Sanyo portable video equipment to record and
evaluate performances.

You may not want to get that technical in your own viewing
of the games, but if you're a true fan, you'll want to preserve
some of the more special moments.

If you're about to buy а УСК, now's the time to look
closely at special effects, the stuff of which gingerbread used to
be made. With 188 hours of ТУ coverage over two weeks,
there might finally be a good reason to get a 14-day-program-
mable machine. It beats smuggling a TV into the office. Freeze
frame and slow motion could be valuable for your own instant
replays. One-button record will save wear and tear on your
fingers. And remote control will mean you won't have to keep
putting the beer down. Some tips for taping the games:

Record at the proper speed. On many VCRs, special effects
work on only one tape speed (usually the fastest). If you plan to
use picture search, slow motion or freeze frame, you'll want to
keep that in mind.

Use memory rewind. Set the counter at 000 and keep a
written log of where different events fall

Edit. Use your pause control (especially if it's on remote) to
cut out commercials and other parts of the program you can
live without.

PHOTOGRAPHY BY DON AZUMA

How To THROW AN OLYMPIC PARTY

To get you into the true spirit of the Olympics (not to
mention passing the time during station breaks), we suggest
that you create your own event. One refreshing idea is a beer-
tasting competition. There are a lot fewer rules than in the
official Olympic competitions; this is one event in which you
can improvise as you go along. Here are a few pointers.

Warm up: Even beer tasting has its rigid training. Don’t eat
for at least an hour before the test. A sampling of plain,
unsalted crackers and hard cheese between beers is recom-
mended to clear the taste buds.

Equipment: Select tall, clear tulip-shaped glasses. Be sure
they're clean— impurities can affect taste and head. Take the
beer out of the refrigerator about 15 minutes before tasting to
reach the ideal temperature of 40 to 50 degrees Fahrenheit.

Technique: To pour the beer, hold the can or bottle an inch
ог two above the tilted glass and pour to the side. Correct
pouring ensures a thick, creamy head and prevents trapping
excess carbonation.

Judging: Consider such qualities as aroma, hop flavor, body,
sharpness, blandness, sweetness and mellowness. Look for a
subtle aftertaste. 105 a matter of personal taste in this event.

Historical footnote: In 1912, Olympic superstar Jim Thorpe
trained on large quantities of beer. Look what it did for him.

Armchair tip: Keep ап eye on the head. It can tell all when it
tops a glass of beer. Look for a high and foamy head that’s long
lasting. A sip should leave a lacelike pattern on the glass.

GYMNASTICS

(continued from page 175)
meters high—are used only in men’s com-
petition. In this test of agility and strength,
both hands must leave the two oval wood-
en (sometimes fiberglass) bars at the same
time at least once during the exercise.
With one continuous movement, the ath-
lete moves from a full stop to a swinging
movement and back again.

The uneven parallel bars—43 centi-
meters apart, 3.5 meters long—are used
only in women's competition. Employing
smooth movements, women swing from
опе bar to another, two pauses allowed.

The object of the men’s-only rings exer-
cise is to swing in many different ways
with minimal movement of the rings.
Judges demand that all competitors per-
form at least two handstands and at least
опе “crucifix” (the body is upright with
arms outstretched) from two rings that
hang 2.5 meters above the floor.

Used only in women’s competition, the
wooden balance beam is five meters long,
ten centimeters wide and 16 centimeters
deep. Operating on a flat surface 1.2
meters above the floor, competitors exe-
cute handstands, runs, jumps and turns
with only three pauses allowed.

Used only by men, the horizontal bar is
8'4” high and 2.4 meters long. With turns
and changes of grip, the gymnast must
swing nonstop, allowing his hands to leave
the bar at least once.

In each event, four judges score each
gymnast independently. Maximum score
is ten, with the highest and lowest scores
thrown out and the average of the two
remaining scores counting. The judges
look for difficulty and style of execution
and inventiveness. Penalty points are sub-
tracted for loss of balance, bent legs or
arms, lack of extension in movements and
excess swinging for support.

There are three artistic gymnastics
competitions: team, all-round and individ-
ual apparatus.

In team events (competition one), 12
men's and women’s teams—consisting of
six members each—chosen from world
championships vie for the judges’ scores.
In addition, countries without national
teams compete in four groups of six com-
petitors. Team medals are awarded.

All-round events (competition two) fea-
ture the top 36 competitors—only two рег
nation—from competition one. Scores are
a combination of competition-one com-
pulsories (25 percent), competition-two
compulsories (25 percent) and competi-

tion-two scores (50 percent).

In individual apparatus events, the top Medal
six competitors from team competition
compete on one apparatus. Gold, silver
and bronze medals are awarded for each.

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THE Way Ir Was

(continued from page 167)
was dominated by Pygmies.

1906, Athens. These games were not
considered official. Americans won 11 of
the 20 track-and-field events.

1908, London. Bad blood arose be-
tween Grcat Britain and the U.S.; more
than 2000 athletes from 22 countries par-
ticipated.

1912, Stockholm. The Jim Thorpe
games. Thorpe won pentathlon and de-
cathlon gold medals. Electronic timing
was introduced.

1920, Antwerp. Held despite war-torn
Belgium but sparsely attended. Finland
was the big winner with legendary runner
Paavo Nurmi.

1924, Paris. In the Chariots of Fire
games, swimming became important for
the first time due to the exploits of 19-
year-old American Johnny Weissmuller.

1928, Amsterdam. These supercom-
petitive games proved а welcome relief to a-
world recovering from war. Women par-
ticipated in track and field for the first
time. Americans did poorly.

1932, Los Angeles. In the Coliseum,
18-year-old Mildred “Babe” Didrikson
set world records in the 80-meter hurdles,
javelin and high jump.

1936, Berlin. After considering a boy-
cott in protest of Hitler’s Aryan philoso-
phy, the Americans competed anyway.
Jesse Owens dominated the games.

1948, London. The U.S. won 11 men’s
track-and-field gold medals, including a

world-record decathlon performance by
17-year-old Bob Mathias.

1952, Helsinki. After a 40-year ab-
sence, the Soviets returned with 17 gold
medals in gymnastics, weight lifting and
wrestling.

1956, Melbourne. The first games ever
held in the Southern Hemisphere. Texan
Bobby Morrow, fighting the flu, won the
100 and 200 meters.

1960, Rome. Rafer Johnson squeaked
by in the decathlon and Cassius Clay
became the lightweight champ.

1964, Tokyo. Dark-horse U.S. Marine
Billy Mills won the 10,000 meters, while
Joc Frazier, broken hand and all, won
the heavyweight gold.

1968, Mexico City. In the rare air, Bob
Beamon flew to a superhuman 292%” in
the long jump. Jimmy Hines set the 100-
meter record at 9.95 seconds.

1972, Munich. Eight Palestinian ter-
rorists broke into Olympic Village and
kidnaped a group of Israeli athletes. Sev-
enteen people were killed and the games
were suspended for 24 hours. Standouts
included Olga Korbut, Mark Spitz and
Frank Shorter.

1976, Montreal Fierce competition.
The Russians, heavy favorites, won only
four track-and-field gold medals; the U.S.
won six. Gymnast Nadia Comaneci and
boxer Sugar Ray Leonard starred.

1980, Moscow. To protest the Soviet in-
vasion of Afghanistan, more than 62 nations.
boycotted. East Germany and the U.S.S.R.
won 127 gold medals in the U.S.'s absence.

TRACK AND FIELD

(continued from page 170)
also against “the wall" (also called “the
bear") —the psychological breaking point
that most runners face after a few miles.
Strategy in both of these races (and pre-
sumably in the new women's 3000-meter)
will consist of grabbing the lead carly and
trying to hang on to it, taking a spot in the
middle of the pack and making a move
later ог running from the rear of the pack
and waiting for a lengthy final kick. In the
last straightaway, a runner cannot change
lanes unless he or she is about to pass
another runner.

MARATHON

Olympic Record

Men: 2:09:55 (1976, Waldemar Cierpinski,
East Germany)

Women: new event

Currently the most fashionable and
talked-about event on the Olympic track-
and-field agenda, the marathon tradition-
ally covers just over 26 miles of varied
terrain. Marathoners wear special spike-
less racing flats with heel cushions built
up three quarters of an inch and soles with
built-in “waffles” for traction. Most run-
ners wear white (to reflect the sun) nylon
shorts with pockets to carry candy bars
and extra shoelaces. This year's mara-
thoners will be treated to a particularly
scenic course: The official starting point
will be Santa Monica College, and six
miles of the course will run along the cool
Pacific Ocean, eventually (and dramati-
cally) ending at the Coliseum in time for
the closing ceremonies. The most impor-
tant marathon strategy consists of sticking
to a strictly defined game plan and being
able to step up the pace for the last quarter.

20- AND 50-KILOMETER
WALKS (MEN ONLY)

Olympic Records

20-kilometer walk; 1:23:35.5 (1980, Mauri-
zio Damilano, Italy)

5O-kilometer walk: 3:49:24 (1980, Hartwig
Gauder, East Germany)

The oddest-looking of all Olympic
track-and-field events, "race walking” is
an art for the most rugged of athletes.
Rules require that all competitors must
have a part of one foot on the ground at all
times and that the leg hitting the track be
straightened for at least one second. The
subjective nature of this call makes the 20-
and 50-kilometer walks the hardest events
for officials to judge.

JAVELIN
Olympic Records
Men: 310'4" (1976, Miklas Nemeth, Hunga-

224'5" (1980, Maria Colon,

The lightest implement in throwing
events, the spear-shaped javelin used in

men’s competition is 810%” long and
weighs one pound, 12 ounces; the wom-
en's javelin is 7/614" long, one pound,
10.16 ounces. The shaft of the javelin itself
is made of metal alloy or wood.

Rules state that the spear must be
thrown above the shoulder or the upper
part of the throwing arm and not slung or
hurled sidearm. Each competitor is al-
lowed three qualifying trials and six final
tries. There are three commonly used
grips: The javelin is held on the palm with
index finger and thumb behind the cord
grip or on the palm between the index and
second fingers or against the index finger
on the same side as the thumb.

There are four steps to javelin chuck-
ing: the run-up (a distance of some 120
feet to build momentum), the carry (there
are three positions for holding the javelin:
above the shoulder, closer to shoulder level
or with arm down and extended back), the
approach and braking and the throw. The
spear is whipped forward on the throw
behind the strength of the rear leg.

SHOT-PUT
Olympic Records
Men. 70'0 ^ (1980, Vladimir Kiselyov,

US.S.R)
Women: 73’6%” (1980, Попа Slupianek,
East Germany)

Perhaps the most disciplined of Olym-
pic field sports, shot-put takes place

within a sunken seven-foot circle.

The shot itself is a brass or iron ball,
weighs 16 pounds and is five inches in
diameter; the women’s version is four and
a quarter inches and weighs 8.8 pounds.

There are several popular shot-putting
techniques, all of which are permissible as
long as the ball is pushed and not thrown
and as long as no part of the athlete's body
leaves the seven-foot circle. The shot also
has to land in a 45-degree circle

Most shot-putters hold the ball at the
base of their middle three fingers, using
the thumb and the small finger for sup-
port. Putters begin by standing at the back
of the circle with the shot tucked under the
neck, just beneath the jaw.

The most popular technique is called
the O’Brien shift (after the U.S.A.’s Parry
O'Brien, the first shot-putter to turn his
back to the landing area). In it, the putter
bends down over his right leg before going
into "the glide” а drive off the right leg
that results in the right foot’s landing near
the center of the circle and the left foot’s
slamming against a four-foot-wide stop-
board at the front of the circle. The
O’Brien shift (which takes three seconds)
ends when the shot is let go at a 40-degree
angle off a fully extended right hand.

DISCUS

Olympic Records
Men: 224' (1976, Mac Wilkins, U.S.A.)

Women: 229'6" (1980, Evelin Jahl, East
Germany)

The discus is a highly technical event
requiring skill, talent, balance, timing and
strength. Working within a U-shaped cage
shared by hammer throwers and compris-
ing six or more panels of synthetic netting
or steel wire, competitors hurl the discus
through an opening in the cage into a
legal-throw sector marked by chalk lines.

‘Discus throwers begin by standing—
feet 12 to 20 inches apart—at the back of
an eight-foot-plus-diameter circle looking
away from the direction of the throw. The
throw begins with a running rotation, a
counterclockwise movement that shifts the
weight from the right foot to the left with
the discus extended behind the whirling
body. As the thrower finishes the full turn
with his right foot back on the ground, the
whirling motion is quickly increased.
With his feet now 36 inches apart, he
turns his shoulder and whips around his
throwing arm. The thrower releases the
discus with a hard wrist snap; a 30-to-
35-degree angle is considered ideal.

The discus itself is made of fiberglass or
hardwood and weighs four pounds, six
ounces (the women’s discus weighs just
over two pounds).

HAMMER THROW
(MEN ONLY)

Olympic Record
268'4" (1980, Yuri Sedykh, 0.5.5.8.)

Known in layman's circles as the ball-
and-chain event, the hammer comprises а

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16-pound ball, a wire shaft and a handle:
total length, 3°11”. The hammer has а
head of solid iron or a shell filled with
lead. Throwers wear a fingerless leather
glove with a reinforced palm.

Standing at the rear of a seven-foot cir-
cle in a netted cage, the slinger grips the
handle with both hands and turns his back
to the throwing line. After a series of bent-
knee preliminary swings, the first turn
begins when the hammer's head is at its
lowest point; the second turn is made fast-
er than the first to increase velocity; and
by the third turn, the thrower is a blur of
action. As the final turn is completed, both

feet are on the ground and the hammer is
ripped from the thrower’s hands with a
last-second forearm flick.

HIGH JUMP
Olympic Records
Men: 7’8%” (1980, Gerd Wessig, East Ger-
mony)
Women: 65%” (1980, Sara Simeoni, Italy)

The high jump is an event of simplistic
charm: You have to go over the bar with-
out knocking it off its supports. Thanks to
the invention of “the Fosbury Flop” by
American Dick Fosbury in the '68 Mexico
City games, the high-jump record has

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been pushed nearly nine inches since the
days of the old “straddle” style.

‘The event’s phases are the approach,
the take-off and the clearance of the bar.

The approach depends on whether the
jumper is using the flop or the straddle
method. Straddle jumpers start 50 feet
from the bar and take seven strides before
take-off; floppers start at 70 feet and run
along a curved path.

The straddle is basically a forward
pitch and roll. The chanciest part of it is
making sure the trailing leg makes it over
the bar.

The flop calls for a faster approach and
а belly-up backward thrust over the bar.
The key here is а well-arched back.

Jumpers wear special spiked shoes
created specifically with the sole of the
take-off foot built up for better leverage.

A jumper can pass on the lower heights
and enter the competition when he or she
feels the height is right. Jumpers get three
tries at a given height. Miss all three and
they’re out.

POLE VAULTING
(MEN ONLY)

ic Record
18114" (1980, Wladyslaw Kozakiewicz,
Poland)

In pole vaulting, the athlete attempts to
turn linear movement into upward move-
ment by deriving energy from the plant
and bend of the pole.

A vaulter grips the pole with both
hands and sprints some 150 feet down a
synthetic surface. Some three to four
strides from the sunken planting area, he
lifts the pole from his waist to directly over
his head. Here, the bend of the pole
begins. A second later, the vaulter rocks
back as his legs go up to form a handstand
in the air. With the pole now bent back,
the vaulter thrusts up in an explosive
motion that ends with a full handstand,
the body turned toward the crossbar.
‘Turning belly down to the bar, the vaulter
gets legs over first, then hips and torso.
Both arms push the pole away.

Until the 19th Century and the advent
of bamboo, poles were made of hickory or
ash. By the Forties, steel had replaced
bamboo; and after World War Two,
fiberglass came along and radically
changed the sport, quickly adding a foot
and a half to the existing world record.

Once а minimum is established, com-
petitors can skip the lower heights, if they
choose, and return at a higher height. In a
tie at a given height, the man with fewer
jumps wins the superior medal.

The landing pit, once consisting of saw-
dust and wood shavings, is now made out
of foam rubber.

LONG JUMP/TRIPLE JUMP
Olympic Records
Long jump (men): 29/214" (1968, Bob Bea-

mon, U.S.A.)
Long jump (women): 23/2” (1980, Tatyana

Kolpakava, U.S.S.R.)
Triple jump (men only): 570%” (1968, Vik-
tor Saneyev, U.S.S.R.)

The goal of long jumpers is to convert
horizontal force into an upward jump.
Body language is employed to gain greater
distance. There are four parts to the long
jump: the run-up (in which the jumper
starts from a relaxed posture and turns
into flat-out sprint), the take-off (the
jumper leaves the leaning position in the
last three to four strides, rises erect and
shortens the final stride), the flight (there
are several mid-air positions) and the
landing (arms thrust forward and rear end
arched to get every fraction of an inch).

The three mid-air styles are sailing
(legs together in a sitting position), hang-
ing (a lead-leg-sweeping action) and the
hitch kick (the jumper runs in place).

‘The triple jump is made up of three
rhythmic actions: the hop, the step and the
jump. After gaining speed on a runway,
the jumper must hit a seven-and-three-
quarter-inch Plasticine take-off board for
proper projection and then jump in one
continuous flow until reaching the moist-
sand landing pit. Three qualifying jumps
and six final trials are allowed.

DECATHLON (MEN ONLY)

Olympic Record
8617 points (1976, Bruce Jenner, U.S.A.)

‘The mystique of the decathlon is unsur-
passed in Olympic competition. Each con-
testant is required to prove his skill in ten
separate events: the 100 meters, the long
jump, the shot-put, the high jump, the 400
meters, the discus, the 110-meter hurdles,
the pole vault, the javelin and the 1500
meters. The competition is held over two
days, with five events per day and a 30-
minute rest period between events.

Much to the chagrin of many purists,
the ten events do not carry the same point
value; speed and leaping ability have
greater value than power or endurance.

Chance also plays а role. Running-event
heats, for example, are drawn by lots—
therefore, a decathlete who is last to high
jump may be first in the 400-meter sprint.

To stand a chance of winning, the
decathlete must be heavily muscled, mak-
ing the pole vault, the 400 meters, the 1500
meters and the javelin throw—traditionally
not big men’s events—nightmarish con-
tests for these large individuals.

HEPTATHLON
(WOMEN ONLY)

In 1984, the women’s pentathlon will
become the seven-event heptathlon, incor-
porating the 100-meter hurdles, 800-
meter run, long jump, high jump,
shot-put, javelin and 200-meter dash.

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SWIMMING

(continued from page 173)

direct hookup with the starter's gun and
the contact pads located against the wall at
the pool’s end.

The most artistic of the new "84 events
promises to be the women’s synchronized
swimming. Swimmers will compete in
duets (one duet per nation) in both com-
pulsory (without music) and innovative
routines, to be judged by a panel of experts
on а zero-to-ten-point sliding scale. Many
routines are performed upside down un-
derwater and include such aquatic ma-
neuvers as the swordfish, the porpoise, the
herto and the albatross.

Historical footnote: After being hailed
as an innovative breakthrough in the early
Sixties, the somersault maneuver (in
which swimmers twist around entirely
after pushing off the pool wall) was
banned in the ’64 games but reinstated Гог
the 68 games.

Armchair tip: Symmetry is everything
in swimming events. Watch for swimmers
who are able to keep their shoulders in
line with the surface of the water while
moving their arms and legs simulta-
neously.

DIVING
1980 Olympic Champions
Men's springboord: Aleksondr Portnov
(U.S.SR.)
Women's springboord: Irina Kolinina
(U.S.S.R.)

Men's plotform: Falk Hoffmann (East Ger-
many)

Women's platform: Martina Joschke (East
Germany)

With athletes hurling themselves down-
ward at speeds of up to 50 mph (and with
disaster only inches away), diving may be
the most dangerous Olympic event

In springboard diving, competitors
spring off a plank 16 feet long and 20
inches wide. In platform diving, partici-
pants push off from a solid construction
some 19 feet long, six feet wide and more
than 30 feet above the water.

There arc two categories of required
dives: voluntary dives with degree-of-diffi-
culty limits and voluntary dives without
degrec-of-difficulty limits.

With limits: In springboard, each com-
petitor must complete a forward, a back-
ward, a reverse, an inward and a twisting
dive—with the degree of difficulty for
each dive adding up to not more than 9.6.
Platform competitors choose four dives
(from the six available styles) with a
degree of difficulty not exceeding 7.6.

Without limits: In springboard, men
make six dives; women, five. From the
platform, men perform six dives; women,
four.

There are five major dives: forward
(body faces water, dive forward), reverse
(body faces forward, rotates back to the
board before dive), inward (body rotates

inward with back to the water), twisting
(body twists in the air), handstand (diver
starts from a handstand—platform only).

After seven judges register their scores
(from zero for a failed dive to ten for per-
fection), the high and low scores are
discounted and the remaining scores are
multiplied by a coefficient determined by
the degree of difficulty of the attempted
dive. According to the Olympic table, dif-
ficulty of dives ranges from а high of 3.5 to
a low of 1.2. Look for high scores from
divers who successfully execute such dare-
devil maneuvers as a forward one-and-a-
half somersault with three twists, a back
one-and-a-half somersault with a two-

and-a-half or a three-and-a-half twist or a
reverse twister with a back two-and-a-half
or three-and-a-half twist.

There are four steps to every successful
dive: the start (diver is fully erect), the
sprint (diver takes off, gathering
maximum spring), the flight (diver cleanly
executes point-gathering maneuver) and
the entry (diver enters the water cleanly).

Historical footnote: Once a sure thing,
the U.S.A’s string of 11 straight spring-
board victories was broken in the 1972
Munich games by Soviet Vladimir Vasin.

Armchair пр: Diving rule of thumb:
The less splash upon entering the water,
the better the dive. (continued overleaf)

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A good stereo can last a lifetime. Except
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193

PLAYBOY

ADDITIONAL EVENTS
ARCHERY

Men shoot two rounds of 36 arrows at
each of four distances: 90, 70, 50 and 30
meters. Women shoot a single round of 36
arrows at 70, 60, 50 and 30 meters. Key to
success: a combination of arm strength and
steadiness of hand.

CANOEING (MEN ONLY) AND
KAYAKING

Canoeists propel their open boats by
paddling single-bladed paddles on each
side. In kayak events, competitors propel
themselves from an enclosed boat with a
double-bladed paddle. Key to success in
both: coordination and clean strokes.

CYCLING

There are two types of events: road гас-
ing and track racing. The three road races
are the 62-mile team time trial, the 108.7-
mile individual road race and the women’s
43.49-mile race. The five track races are
the 1093.6-yard match sprint, the 1093.6-
yard individual time trial, the 4374.4-yard
individual pursuit, the 4374.4-yard team
pursuit and the 31-mile point race. Key to
success: “drafting” until the moment to
pass is right

EQUESTRIAN EVENTS

Riders and their horses team up to com-
bine strength and courage in a multiple-
event program that includes jumping
six-foot fences and water hazards. Often
misperceived as gentrified sports, the
equestrian events are some of the most
dangerous. Key to success: smoothness in
transition between movements.

FENCING

Меп use the foil, ёрёе and saber in sep-
arate events; women compete only with
the foil. Tournaments are run on a round-
robin basis and matches are won by the
first. fencer to score five touches. Key to
success: dexterity and aggressiveness.

FIELD HOCKEY

Field hockey is played with 11 competi-
tors on a side and is divided into two 35-
minute halves. On a field measuring
60 x 100 yards, competitors use three-foot
sticks to advance a small ball up the field
and into the goal. Key to success: As in ice
hockey, the team that is able to maintain
possession is likely to control the match.

FOOTBALL (SOCCER—
MEN ONLY)
Olympic soccer is played with 11 men

on a side in two 45-minute halves. Players
must move the ball up the field with their

head, feet, chest and other body parts
only the goalie may use his hands. But you
knew all that, right? Key to success: а
tough playmaking goalie

TEAM HANDBALL

In handball, considered by some a cross
between soccer and basketball, team mem-
bers move a near-soccer-sized ball down
an indoor court and throw it past a goal-
keeper in order to score. Players are
allowed to hold the ball for only three sec-
onds at a time. The game is played by six
court players and one goalkeeper in two
30-minute (women, 25-minute) halves.
Key to success: As in basketball, teams
that are quick and in sync ere likely to
dominate.

JUDO (MEN ONLY)

А competitor wins а match by holding
an opponent immobile on his back for 30
seconds. Scoring is complex. Key to suc-
cess: long hours and commitment to the
judo lifestyle.

MODERN PENTATHLON
(TEAM AND INDIVIDUAL)

In this event, a man sets out on a horse.
His first encounter comes when he’s
forced off his horse to fight a duel with
swords. After he escapes, he is trapped
again and forced to shoot his way out
with a pistol. After that, he swims 300
meters and runs two and a half miles.

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Sounds like a video game. Key to success:
incredible athletic prowess and a penchant
for the highly unorthodox.

ROWING

Competition is in eight categories: sin-
gle sculls, double sculls, quadruple sculls
with coxswain (women only), pair-oared
shell without coxswain, pair-oared shell
with coxswain, four-oared shell with cox-
swain, four-oared shell without coxsw:
and eight-oared shell with coxswain. Key
to success: clean, precise movements. The
smaller the splash, the better the effort.

SHOOTING

Eighty countries will send more than
1100 shooters to compete in ten events
ranging [rom pistol shooting to rifle shoot-
ing t0 game-target shooting. For the first
time in Olympic history, there will be a
women's shooting division. Key to success
varies with event, but intense concentra-
tion means a steady hand.

WATER POLO

Seven-member teams try to put a 28-
inch ball in their opponent’s goal while
competing in a 33-by-22-yard pool. Only
the goalie may handle the ball with both
hands. Key to success: The best teams fea-
ture players who can specialize while
playing a team-style game.

VOLLEYBALL

Matches consist of the best three out of
five sets. A team wins a set with a score of
15 points, but the winning margin has to
be two points or more. Six players on each
team hit the ball over the 3/3” net in an
attempt to keep it alive. Key to success
rides with the team’s setter, the equivalent
of basketball's playmaking guard

YACHTING

Each of seven yachting classes is re-
quired to run seven races over roughly a
12-mile course. Lowest point total wins
(Boardsailing will make its debut as an
Olympic demonstration and medal event
in L.A.) Key to success: physical stamina
and an ability to read weather conditions

BASEBALL
(DEMONSTRATION)

Festivities begin with a round-robin
tournament from which six countries will
emerge to play in the finals. Key to suc-
cess: knowing how the other team thinks
in crucial situations.

TENNIS (DEMONSTRATION)

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195

PLAYBOY

SNAP DECISIONS |...

"Clamshell models are popular with people who exer-
cise their creativity from halfway up the Matterhorn.”

a shower stall. And with a tripod or other
sturdy mount, the built-in self-timer lets
you enter your own depiction of the bath-
er's decisive moment.

The HD-S lists at $285, but you'll
almost never find it bearing that price tag.
While we quote list prices in this articte,
just about all the equipment can be
obtained for considerably less.

"There are other water-resistant cam-
eras. Minolta's Weathermatic A, for ex-
ample, is a 110 cartridge-loading model
(our emphasis here is on 35mm) and, of
course, the Nikonos is Nikon's full-
fledged undersea machine. Being a full-
fledged Nikon, it is priced accordingly.

However, the time-honored axiom that
Nikon is expensive is no longer universal-
ly applicable. Like most manufacturers,
Nikon has entered the so-called leaf-
shutter-camera market (the shutter 15

within the lens, where it doubles as the
lens-aperture blades). This market fea-
tures simplified construction at moderate
prices. Yet, owing to the wonders of the

electronic age, these latter-day Brownies
have the sophisticated technology that
makes them swift in operation and accu-
rate in results.

Nikon’s economy model, a little brother
of the L35AF shown on page 120, is des-
ignated the L135AF, though it has been
dubbed the Nice Touch (a name we would
somehow have associated instead with a
camera you can take into the shower). It
also has programed exposure control,
built-in electronic flash and а semiwide-
angle lens—in this case, a 35mm f/3.5.
Several other features also heighten the
ease and speed of operation.

For example, it has a built-in motor
drive that automatically advances the film
in about cight tenths of a second. The
advantage of this is that you can keep the
camera at your eye and continue shooting,
directing all your attention toward identi-
fying that decisive moment. An infrared
beam provides automatic focusing, so that
photographer, subject or both can be in
movement while the camera sharp-shoots.

“A good throw by Campbell,
who is in a drug-rehabilitation program,
and it’s caught by Sanchez, at first base, who
hasn't had a drink in six weeks.”

The 1135АЕ also has an automatic
loading system and it will even automati-
cally rewind your film into its 35mm car-
tridge at the end of the roll. While auto
rewind may at first seem a decadent luxu-
ry, it offers a critical safety factor for the
absent-minded. It’s all too easy to forget to
rewind the film and open the camera with
the film stretched across и. At the very
least, you would lose four or five shots to
light streaking. The list price of the
L135AF is $162.

Highly similar in general features is the
Ricoh FF-3AF, listing at $215. Like the
Nikon, the Ricoh is onc of the few cameras
of its type that can accept the 1000-speed
films from Kodak and 3M (Fuji has intro-
duced a 1600-speed film that exceeds the
metering ability of all but the final two
cameras featured in this article). Ricoh
has just introduced two accessory lenses
that snap on over the standard lens: One is
а close-up, one is a telephoto

Close cousins 10 cameras of the leaf-
shutter breed are the so-called clamshell
cameras, such as the Pentax PC35AF
(which also has a name, the Sport 35).
While the Nikon and Ricoh models have
built-in lens covers, the clamshell types
possess sliding covers that practically en-
gulf the camera when closed. The Pentax
version has auto exposure, auto infrared
focusing and built-in flash. Its 35mm lens
has an f/2.8 maximum aperture. The
Sport 35 has a back-light compensation
button that causes the aperture to open
one and one half stops more than thc
meter advises, for more accurate expo-
sures of subjects when strong light comes
from behind. And although an auto wind-
er is available, it is an option rather than
an integral accessory.

A поуе|- indeed, seemingly unique for
this level of camera—variation of the
Sport 35 is the Sport 35 Date, with the
ability to imprint photographs with
the date or time of day the picture was
taken. For snap shooters who haul thc
camera out only cvery so often and spend a
year using up a roll, this can Бс worth
while for documenting scenes or people
long forgotten. Anniversaries and parties
looked back upon years later also can ben-
efit from dating, as can many photographs
taken for professional or legal reasons.
List price of the Sport 35 is $169; for the
auto winder, $38. The Sport 35 Date
comes with auto winder included at $225.

The clamshell cover affords complete
protection, sheltering the camera from the
hard knocks of your backpack or back
pocket and eliminating the worry of losing
a lens cover. For that reason, clamshell
models are popular with people who exer-
cise their creativity from, say, halfway up
the Matterhorn. One of the most profes-
sional clamshells—among the pioneers of
its type—is the Olympus XA (list price,
$200). Focusing is manual by range find-
er, film advance is manual and the flash i
an external clip-on unit. The XA, inci-
dentally, uses aperture-priority exposure

automation. АП the others mentioned so
far use programed automation, with
which the camera decides on both lens and
shutter settings. In aperture priority, the
photographer sets the lens (from £/2.8 to
#/22 on the XA) and the camera selects
the matching shutter speed. This has
become the preferred form of automation
among most professionals, because lens
settings influence the depth of field (the
range of sharpness behind and in front of
the point actually focused upon). Such а
degree of creative control is uncommon in
these litle whip-’em-out cameras.

Vivitar produces a clamshell model, the
TEC 35, which has a feature that is handy
for spontaneous action: the smart flash
"This is a built-in flash that automatically
pops up into working position when the
camera senses its need and automatically
retracts once prevailing light brightens up.
The camera is equipped with a 35mm
£/2.8 lens, auto exposure and focus, motor
drive and rewind. List price is $239.95.

One of the newest clamshells is the
Konica AA-35, nicknamed Double Take,
which apparently refers to its half-frame
format: The pictures are half the regular
35mm size. Half frame enjoyed a surge of
popularity several years ago that has since
slackened off. But now that Kodak, Fuji
and 3M have all produced high-resolution
films, a.half-frame camera can achieve
almost the same picture quality as a full-
frame counterpart could three years ago.

The nicest thing about half frame is
that it doubles a film’s capacity: А 30-
exposure roll becomes a 72-exposure roll.
The half-frame format gives you, in effect,
more mileage to the gallon. Auto exposure
and focus, motorized film advance and
rewind, 24mm f/4 lens and built-in flash
round out the Double Take's major fea-
tures. The price is $150.

Another recent half-frame arrival is the
Anscomark/135. It is not a clamshell
design, but it does have one unique fea-
ture: Instead of advancing the film after
cach exposure, it retards it. When the film
is loaded into the camera, the motor drive
automatically winds it to the end. "Then,
picture by picture, the film is rewound
into the 35mm cartridge. If you were to
accidentally open the body, most of your
shots would be protected inside the car-
tridge. Listing at $132.95, the camera also
includes flash, auto exposure and a 24mm
1/3.5 lens.

АП the cameras described so far have
separate-window view finders and non-
changeable lenses. These are among the
attributes that make them so conveniently
pocketable, ready for operation wherever
and whenever inspiration strikes. And
although interesting results can be ob-
tained with them, many people insist that
a single-lens-reflex model is the true “сге-
ator’s” camera. Through-the-lens viewing,
reveals the frame area and depth of field
accurately. But more to the point, SLR is
the gateway to the most expansive array of
lenses in the world. Many pros pick their

cameras not for the cameras themselves
but because of the lenses with which they
can be fitted.

Powerful telephotos, zoom lenses in
telephoto and wide-angle ranges, ultra-
wide-angle lenses for а forced perspective,
bellows and extension tubes for extreme
close-up work and macrolenses for copy
work all are among the choices available
to the SLR owner. No, you don’t have to
have an SLR for photographic creativity.
But it does greatly expand the universe in
which you can be creative.

The Canon T50 is as simple and as
automated as anything described so far,
making it a gateway mechanism into
SLR-dom. It accepts all but four of the
nearly 60 lenses in the Canon line, includ-
ing the recently introduced 20-35mm
f/3.5 zoom, the widest-angle zoom to
reach the market so far, Programed auto
exposure, integral motor drive and shutter
speeds from two seconds to one thousandth
of a second are among (Не T50’s features.
List price with 50mm f/1.8 lens is $299.

The olta X-570 is an advanced
SLR that begins to encroach on the pro-
fessional domain. Its list price is in the
$400 range, but discounters offer it for just
under $200. Like the T50, the X-570
gives access to an outstanding line of
optics—in this case, the Minolta lenses.
But distinguishing it from all cameras
mentioned so far is its possession of off-
the-film-plane flash-exposure readings.

Most automatic flash systems read their
light output through separate sensor
windows. The advantage of O.T.F.P. me-
tering is the same as in SLR viewing:
What you get is what you see. The expo-
sure is tailored 10 the lens's exact field of

view, making it more accurate. Integrating
the flash output. with strong room light
and even daylight (when flash is used for
fill purposes) is more positively conducted.
And multiple-lens apertures (rather than
the single or couple to which external-
sensing flash is restricted) can be used.
This permits flash photography to include
depth-of-field control to even a greater
degree than daylight photography. (If you
need the depth of field of [/22, you cannot
command the sun to supernova, but you
can force the flash to pump out more
light.)

Nearly all the SLR manufacturers of-
fer at least one model with O.T.F.P. flash
readings. Predictably, а lot of these instru-
ments have price tags nearing the strato-
sphere, and justifiably so. They are fine,
extremely advanced photographic tools.
The X-570 can be considered an entry-
level camera into state-of-the-art photo-
graphic resources and potentials.

Ultimately, though, it is the mind, the
heart and soul, the inner eye of the pho-
tographer that creates the photograph.
The proof of that is the immortal compo-
sitions of such turn-of-the-century pho-
tographers as Alfred Stieglitz and Alice
Austen, whose cameras were large, cum-
bersome and slow-moving and whose
operating capabilities were far more re-
stricted than anything in this article. You
still need vision, a tad of skill and even a
mite of experience to do more than mun-
dane work with modern cameras. But the
point is that with their automatic this and
motorized that, these little whiz-bangs are
working in your favor.

“Have you noticed the increased number of women
returning to the work force?

PLAYBOY

198

PRO FOOTBALL PREVIEW

(continued from page 122)

“Ехрес! the Campbells to bring win-hungry Oilers
Jans опе of the most surprising teams in the league.”

The departure of quarterback. Brian
Sipe for the U.S.F.L. is unlamented. His
replacement, Paul McDonald, will proba-
bly do a better job. The Browns’ chronic
problems at defensive end will be amelio-
rated by the off-season acquisition of
veteran Carl Hairston, The linebacking
corps is superb, but the secondary needs a
lot of help. Prize rookies Don Rogers and
Chris Rockins will step right in to solve
that problem.

All in all, it looks like a red-letter year
for the Browns,

This will be a very iffy pre-season in
Pittsburgh. Chances for a successful cam-
paign depend largely on whether or not
quarterback Terry Bradshaw is fully ге-
covered from elbow surgery. If he isn’t,
David Woodley and Mark Malone will
compete for the job, but neither can ade-
quately replace longtime hero Bradshaw.

Other offensive problems include short-
ages of quality tackles and wide receivers.
Two draftees, Louis Lipps and Weegie
Thompson, will snare their share of
passes, but the only promising rookie line-
man is Terry Long.

Pittsburgh’s defensive unit and kicking
game are both top grade. The Steelers
have made the play-offs ten of the past 12
years, and with a little luck, they could do
it again. But don’t bet more than a couple
of Rolling Rock beers on it.

With just three wins in two seasons, the
Houston franchise is desperate for man-
power. The Oilers have an unbelievable
string of road losses covering three full
seasons.

Houston’s future is in the hands of two
Campbells: Earl, the runner (one of the
best in the history of the game), and
Hugh, the new coach

Coach Campbell succeeded in signing
quarterback Warren. Mcon, who played
for him in Edmonton. Moon was the best
passer in Canadian Football League his-
tory and could be equally impressive in
Houston. He will benefit from the Oilers’
only adequacy, a respectable offensive
line, which this year is further strength-
ened by superrookie Dean Steinkuhler.

Campbell is a soft-spoken, methodical
coach who uses brains instead of bluster.
His rebuilding job will be made easier by
the fact that the Oilers had several early-
round draft choices last May. Rookie tack-
le Doug Smith will be a terror in the
defensive line, and Bo Eason will provide
sure-handed help in the secondary.

In short, expect the Campbells to bring

win-hungry Oilers fans one of the most
surprising teams in the league.

The immediate future looks bleak in
Cincinnati. Several Bengals starters have
defected to the U.S.F.L., are playing out
their contracts or have been traded. New
coach Sam Wyche must deal with a con-
servative and tightfisted management that
bitterly resists the skyrocketing salary de-
mands of players. He will have a tough
time getting new, high-priced help, either
by trade or through the draft.

The Bengals’ prime offensive weapon,
quarterback Ken Anderson, will soon
have го be replaced. Turk Schonert is the
Bengals’ quarterback of the future and
might even take the starting job this year.
Stanley Wilson, who was hurt much of
last season, will replace Pete Johnson as
the club's prime running back.

Two first-round draft choices, lineback-
er Ricky Hunley and end Peter Koch, will
add teeth to the Cincinnati defensive unit.
Another first-rounder, offensive lineman
Brian Blados, should be a starter by зса-
son's end.

WESTERN DIVISION
AMERICAN FOOTBALL CONFERENCE.

Los Angeles Raiders
Seatlle Seahawks

Denver Broncos

San Diego Chargers ....
Kansas City Chiels . .

There are two keys to the Raiders’
ongoing success. First, their scouts are
seemingly omniscient—they rarely make a
bad draft choice or trade. Second, the team
plays well enough to win most of its games
during the season. Then the adrenaline
starts flowing during the play-offs. A
superb defensive unit that enjoys its bad-
guy image certainly doesn’t hurt.

Jim Plunkett will run the offense again,
but Marc Wilson is the Raiders’ Q.B. of
the future. Receiver Cliff Branch is 36
now, but he still plays as if he were 18.

A large portion of the credit for the
Raiders’ success belongs to coach Tom
Flores. Flores doesn't get much media
attention, because he's always being up-
staged by the leather-jacketed posturing of
owner АГ Davis, but he has won two
Super Bowls in five years. Flores is the
only Hispanic head coach in N.F.L. his-
tory and the only one whose parents were
migrant farm workers. Don’t be surprised
if his Raiders migrate north in January—
to the Stanford campus—for another Su-
per Bowl. But don’t be surprised, either, if
the Dolphins replace them as A.F.C

champs. The bad guys don’t always win.

The Seahawks’ sudden resurrection last
fall was the result of numerous personnel
and attitudinal changes. Coach Chuck
Knox made assiduous trades, bringing in
several toughened veterans who became
emotional leaders. As a result, the Sea-
hawks played above their heads, defeating
the Raiders twice during the regular
season but caving in to the Raiders’ theat-
rical savagery (and to the unaccustomed
realization that they—the lowly Sea-
hawks—were Super Bowl contenders) in
the play-offs.

Like the legendary phoenix, the Sea-
hawks are on the rise. After last year's
upheaval and restructuring, there is now
an air of confidence and stability among
the players.

Seattle’s main problem is shallowness
everywhere, especially in the offensive line
and the secondary. A predatory nose
guard would help, too, but none was avail-
able in the draft. Rookie Terry Taylor
will join the N.F.L. as a starter in the
secondary.

The Broncos are a team in the turmoil
of transition. Thirteen rookies made the
squad last year; six others were on the
injured-reserve list. Many of the young-
sters profited from their early combat
exposure, especially quarterback John El-
way, who, no matter how many boos he’s
heard, is a certain future superstar. One of
Elway’s main targets is Steve Watson,
who is one of the best receivers in the
league but doesn’t get much attention from
press or fans.

Several of this year’s rookies will see
mucho minutes, because the venerable
Orange Crush defense is suffering the in-
roads of age. Three draftces—defensive
tackle Andre Townsend and defensive
backs Tony Lilly and Randy Robbins—
will log a lot of playing time this year.

The San Diego Chargers probably will
not suffer а repeat of last year's cataclys-
mic injury epidemic, but the malaise left
over from a dismal and depressing season
may be too much to overcome.

Quarterback Dan Fouts seems fully
recovered, and his substitute, Ed Luther,
profited from a year on the firing line
Many members of the squad, however,
are beginning to suffer from advancing
years. The defensive unit traditionally
dreadful—won’t improve until the coach-
ing staff quits using the draft to reinforce
an already excellent offense. The
Chargers acquired a linebacker and two
defensive linemen іп off-season trades
with the Giants and the Jets (moving from
Sewer City to San Diego must be a heav-
enly experience), and the draft produced
defensive back Mossy Cade and lineback-
er Mike Guendling. With help from them,
maybe San Diego can hold opponents to
fewer than 40 points a game this season.

If the Kansas City Chiefs ever get their
offense reasonably balanced, they'll con-
tend for the division title. The Chiefs, Гог
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strategy last year under coach John
Mackovic, putting together a passing at-
tack that was one of the most productive in
league history. Unfortunately, though, the
ground game turned belly up. The reasons
were an injury-riddled offensive line and
the lack of a quick outside runner. Imme-
diate help will Бе provided by two rookies,
tackle John Alt and runner Herman
Heard.

The Chiefs also need a good blitzing
linebacker and much more beef in both
lines. An intensive off-season conditioning
program helped with the latter problem,
and the draft produced two goodies, defen-
sive tackle Bill Maas and linebacker Scott
Radecic.

One thing is certain: Quarterback Bill
Kenney and receiver Carlos Carson are
two of the brightest rising stars in the
league. The Chiefs’ attack will again be a
spectacular aerial circus.

EASTERN DIVISION
NATIONAL FOOTBALL CONFERENCE
Washington Redskins... . . „124
Dallas Cowboys 4 11-5
St. Louis Cardinals . 88
New York Giants 5-11
Philadelphia Eagles 412

gton franchise, unlike the
rest of our nation's capital, is a model of
stability. There are no contract problems,
and the players have a sense of familial
loyalty to one another and to the coaching
staff. Most of the front-line players аге at
the peaks of their careers.

The player who personifies the Reds-
kins squad is Dave Butz, who has been
one of the premier defensive linemen in
the league for several years, but who (until
he was belatedly named All-Pro last sea-
son) has gotten little media attention
because he isn’t theatrically vicious like
the Alzados and the Gastineaus. Such
people don’t make exciting sports copy.

Having no immediate personnel needs,
the Redskins drafted players they hope to
develop for the future.

The Redskins have one important psy-
chological plus as they enter this season.
Their performance in the Super Bowl
(after nearly invincible showings the pre-
vious two months) was such an embar-
rassment that the Skins will be hungry to
go on the warpath again.

The Cowboys are consistently incon-
sistent. In their most successful seasons,
they begin as a bunch of bumblers, losing
a couple of early games to obviously infe-
rior teams. By midseason, they get their
act together and then come on like Gang
Busters in December.

The Cowboys’ disappointing years fol-
low the opposite scena Last season's
сапу games were a steady dict of come-
from-behind rallies. Then, in December,
they ran out of steam.

Disappointment and frustration (а
12-4 season without a Super Bowl ap-
pearance is considered a drought in

“Thank you for that Olympic moment!”

201

PLAYBOY

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Interest To
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PLAYBOY Magazine
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Dallas) will bring about some major per-
sonnel changes this season. The most
obvious change may be at quarterback,
where Gary Hogeboom challenges Danny
White.

The offensive line needs a new infusion
of muscle, The defensive unit, dismal by
Dallas standards, needs help everywhere.
The draft produced two gem-quality de-
fensive players, Billy Cannon and Victor
Scott, but no linemen whocould be described
as Too Tall, Too Strong or Too Good.

For years, the Cardinals have been a
so-so team with great hopes for the future,
but St. Louis fans are sick of waiting for
next year. This could at last be the big
year if the Cardinals can stay healthy.
The front-line players are top drawer
almost everywhere, but a shortage of qual-
ity reserves poses a severe problem

The Cards need dependable backup
linebackers and receivers. Rookie Clyde
Duncan will solve the latter problem, but
St. Louis didn’t draft a linebacker until
the fifth round. The Cardinals’ main
assets are an outstanding defense (it led
the league in quarterback sacks last sea-
son) and an awesome passing attack fea-
turing quarterback Neil Lomax (he could
be the nation’s best in three or four years)
and spectacular receiver Roy Green,
who—believe it or not—was drafted as a
defensive back.

This should be a more productive, less
frustrating season for the New York
Giants Everything went wrong last
year. Coach Bill Parcells was hit with a
witches’ brew of large and small off-field
and on-field tragedies and disasters. His
offense gained the most yardage and got
the most first downs in franchise history;
but when the Giants got inside the 20-
yard line, they became pygmies

"The main problems are а flaccid offen-
sive line and the absence of any good
receiver not named Earnest Gray. The
defense, though, anchored by Lawrence
Taylor (probably the best player at any
position anywhere), is superb. The un-
settled quarterbacking situation, a dis-
ruption last year, will be settled by Phil
Simms in pre-season drills. His back-
up—a good one is rookie Jeff Hostetler.

The Eagles’ problems are flip sides of
the same coin: They can’t run the ball and
they can’t keep other people from running
it. Last year, coach Marion Campbell
inherited a team with too many players in
their twilight years and too many players
who had to be given game experience. Аз а
result, both lines were unstable. Campbell
hopes they'll be improved this season by
accrued experience.

The one bright spot in the Eagles’ talent
pool is a spectacular receiver, the арйу
named Mike Quick. He will be joined by
rookie Kenny Jackson, who could be
another stellar wide-out by winter.

Unfortunately, the Eagles have one of
the toughest schedules in the league,
which will keep them flying low through-
out 1984.

CENTRAL DIVISION
NATIONAL FOOTBALL CONFERENCE
Green Bay Packers

Chicago Bears . .
Minnesota Vikings
Tampa Bay Buccaneers ...
Detroit Lions

Green Bay had the most potent offense
in Packer history last season—and that's
saying a lot Биг the defense, crippled by
injuries, was one of the worst in the
league. New coach Forrest Gregg, there-
fore, will undertake a crash defensive.
rebuilding job. Time heals all injuries,
but Gregg needs fresh talent. The draft
brought him defensive linemen Alphonso
Carreker and Donnie Humphrey, plus
linebacker John Dorsey, all of whom pro-
vide good building material.

The Packers’ Achilles’ heel is the quar-
terback spot. Lynn Dickey is one of the
league’s best, but he’s in his mid-30s now
and there’s no proven backup in sight.

‘The Packers’ hopes for the future rest
on the broad shoulders of Gregg. A home-
town product, he played offensive tackle
for the team through 14 glory years. Vince
Lombardi himself once said that Gregg
was the best player he had ever coached.
He is an intimidating personality with
big, penetrating eyes and a deep, rumbling
voice. Says quarterback Rich Campbell,
“You get the impression that if he tells you
to do something, you damn sure Бецег do
it.” If the other players damn sure do what
Gregg tells them, this will be the year the
Pack comes back.

The Bears have all the offensive players
а play-off team needs. Jim McMahon is a
potentially great quarterback, Walter
Payton is the best runner in history (and
an equally good blocker) and Willie Gault
will (when he learns how to run his pass
routes) become the game’s best receiver.
"The offensive line, built around second-
year tackle Jimbo Covert, will be mon-
strous if it can stay healthy.

The Bears’ main shortcomings are a
talent-starved defensive corps and the ex-
plosive temper of coach Mike Ditka,
whose tantrums provoke constant emo-
tional turmoil among his players.

Bears morale has also been eroded by a
somewhat paranoid racial resentment
among many of the team’s black players.
Vince Evans, the team’s likable and able
black quarterback two years ago, was
replaced last season by McMahon, an
Irish Mormon. His arrival was as wel-
come as a fox’s moving into the henhouse
Receiver Gault, for instance, ii ts that
McMahon and Ditka deliberately ignored
him much of last season.

The Bears’ defense will get an immedi-
ate injection of powerful—natural—hor-
mones from rookie linebackers Wilber
Marshall and Ron Rivera. But that won't
be enough for this once-proud, troubled
franchise.

Nineteen eighty-four will be a year of
dramatic change in Minnesota. Neither
the fans nor the players are going to enjoy
it. Cool, laid-back coach Bud Grant has
been succeeded by Les Steckel, a rigid
Marine Corps type who is big on physical
conditioning and forceful ass kicking.
Don’t be surprised if some of the troops
mutiny.

While the dust settles, however, a major
rebuilding job will have to be done. The
Vikings suffered devastating injuries last
season, and many of the wounded, includ-
ing quarterback Tommy Kramer, are still
of questionable health as pre-season prac-
tice begins.

Steckel will be emphasizing offense, so
runner Darrin Nelson will get a chance to
make an even bigger splash than last
year.

Last season was one long nightmare for
the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. It was a
replay of Murphy’s Law: Everything that
could go wrong did. New quarterback
Jack Thompson had to break in behind an
injury-plagued line that featured 14 start-
ing combinations in 16 games. The only
proven runner, James Wilder, was racked
up for much of the season. Coach John
McKay, not a skilled diplomat, had a bit-
ter running feud with the local press.
Some key players defected to the U.S.F.L.
Fan discontent nearly reached the boiling
point.

The Bucs should improve on last year’s
dismal 2-14 record, but don’t look for
miracles. They had no high draft choices
last May, which hurt because immediate
reinforcements are needed, especially at
linebacker and in the offensive line. The
best of the newcomers is 65”, 225-pound
linebacker Keith Browner.

The Lions weren't as strong as last sea-
son's 9-7 record would indicate. They
only played four teams that finished with
winning records and lost to three of them.
But the Lions are young, and if their two
main offensive problems (inconsistent
quarterbacking and meager tight-end tal-
ent) can be solved, the future could be
worth growling about.

Gary Danielson will probably take over
at quarterback in pre-season drills, and
prize rookie David Lewis will help at
tight end.

Lewis was only one product of a wind-
fall draft. Several other newcomers will
clock a lot of time their first year, especial-
ly receiver Pete Mardley.

WESTERN DIVISION
NATIONAL FOOTBALL CONFERENCE.
Sen Francisco 49ers . .. .

New Orleans Saints .
Los Angeles Roms .
Atlanta Falcons

This should be another Super year in
San Francisco. The 49ers have no serious
weaknesses. Joe Montana is the league's
best quarterback, and his most productive

years lie ahead

The 49ers’ offense was wildly inconsist-
ent last fall (it had a tendency to cough
and die in scoring territory), but a year’s
added maturity for a young squad should
solve that problem.

San Francisco’s defense will be even
stronger than last year’s excellent unit,
thanks to the off-season acquisition of
linemen Manu Tuiasosopo and Louis
Kelcher.

The 49ers’ only apparent need—one
more top-grade linebacker—will be taken
care of by rookie Todd Shell.

They're singing in the streets in New
Orleans, and it’s not even Mardi Gras.
After years of being afflicted with losers’
syndrome, the Saints are emerging as a
dominant team of the near future. The
Saints’ greatest sin the past two years has
been at the quarterback position, due to
Ken Stabler’s age and Dave Wilson’s
inexperience. But now Richard Todd, an
able starter with a fine arm, has arrived
from the Jets.

In only four years, the New Orleans’
defense has risen from the worst in the
league to one of the best. The Saints are a
young team—they’ll only get better.

Who brought about that seemingly mi-
raculous resurrection? Bum Phillips. Ве-
fore he took command, a player drafted by
the Saints felt as if he were sentenced to
purgatory. Only half a dozen players lived
in New Orleans during the off season in
the years before Phillips. Last year, 53
players (active and on injured reserve)
lived in town.

Bum’s emotional hold on his players
makes him appear almost messianic. At
daily squad meetings, he rarely talks
about football. Human relations and basic
values are his most frequent subjects. Four
years ago, the Saints’ locker room was аз
cold as a corporate office. Now it has the
warmth of a family room.

With all these material and emotional

assets, look for the Saints to get to the
Super Bowl soon. If the 49ers falter, the
Saints just might come marching in.

Except for Phillips’ take-over in New
Orleans, we can’t remember when a new
coach came into a chaotic situation and
had such a stabilizing influence as John
Robinson did in Los Angeles last year. He
gave the Rams a much-needed sense of
dignity and self-worth. Their resulting
loyalty and respect for him will pay even
bigger dividends in the near future.

Meanwhile, Robinson needs to beef up
his pass rush and find a deep threat for
Vince Ferragamo. Henry Ellard, injured
last season, could solve the receiver prob-
lem. Very little help came from last May’s
draft, unfortunately, so Robinson will
have to make do with what he has.

The running attack, featuring Eric
Dickerson and Barry Redden, will again
be the Rams’ most powerful weapon.

The defense also has some prime play-
ers on whom to build for the future. Inside
linebacker Jim Collins is a future All-Pro.
Nolan Cromwell and Johnnie Johnson
may be the best safety duo in the N.F.L.
And new defensive back Gary Green,
obtained from Kansas City, could make
the Rams’ secondary the league’s best.

"The Falcons’ problems can be summa-
rized in one word: defense. Last fall, oppos-
ing runners met such little resistance, they
must have thought the Atlanta defensive
line was on vacation. The draft, fortunate-
ly, brought the Falcons some help in the ro-
bust forms of defensive tackle Rick Bryan
and linebackers "Thomas Benson and
Rydell Malancon. Defensive back Scott
Case will be cracking a few helmets.

Atlanta's offense will be productive if
quarterback Steve Bartkowski's knee is
fully repaired. William Andrews is one of
the best (and most underrated) running
backs in any league.

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kryptonite."

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THE BITURBO AND THE ВММЕК

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worl despite conventional carburetion and an old-fash-
ioned manual choke. The 325e (about $21,000) is a new six-
Cylinder version of BMW's second-generation three-series
sedan, direct descendant of the famed 2002 that established
the German maker in America and essentially created today's
sport-sedan class some 16 years ago. The e stands for the
Greek letter eta, scientific symbol for efficiency, and rep-
resents BMW's low-rpm, high-economy power train, first

Maserati $25,945 Bitrbo- isa.
new kid on the U.S.- sport-sédari.
block. Powered by a 185-hp бай.
turbo V6 coupled with a five-speed
manual transmission, ill xdo-zero.
to 60 in seven seconds and top 130:
. Add an-italian plush-interior
(righB-tha includes leather seats,
а four-speaker stereo and dehu-
müdified-air conditioning and you've
gota sexy machine that-upholds
the standards of the Maserati Tri-
dent. The-only-options are nerve
and the skill to-drive it пони

developed for the larger 528e sedan. The silky-smooth, elec-
tronically injected 2.7-liter six develops 121 hp and a healthy
170 pound-feet of torque that propels the new baby Bimmer
to 60 mph in about nine seconds and to 118 mph flat-out.
Both are driven by their rear wheels through five-speed over-
drive transmissions and are harnessed by power-assisted
four-wheel disc brakes. Both are at home squirting through
city-traffic gaps, sprinting down twisty two-lanes or cruising
serenely on America's speed-limited freeways. That's where
the similarities end. We tested the 325e in its own best ele-
ment, up and down a narrow, curvy, treacherous mountain
road high in Arizona's ski country. It functioned like the coolly
competent, well-oiled machine it is, completely unruffled,
hanging on to the road like a terrier to a shoe, seldom so
much as squealing a tire. For the extra five grand, the Biturbo

adds pavement-wrinkling performance and additional flash
to the sport-sedan equation. Even jaded Rodeo Drive types
(who have seen it ай) do double takes, not sure what it is,
then grin approvingly at the unmistakable Trident logo. And it
has a warm Italian plush interior, with leather seats and a soft
suede-look headliner that probably matches the elbow
patches on your favorite sports jacket. Maserati created its
legend primarily with sleek and sexy sports and racing cars:
BMW made its name first with airplanes, then with motor-
cycles and, eventually, with handsome, finely crafted auto-
mobiles. Now these two famous European makers come face
to face with very different approaches to the same terrific
concept: the small six-cylinder sport sedan. Rejoice, four-
wheel fans. There must, indeed, be a benevolent God in
car-enthusiast heaven —GARY WITZENBU!

BMW-invented the sport..sedan

soph
for_thexclass._The—e stands for
=efficiency, so the silky-six Ва ап.
ЕРА rating of 23 city/36 highway
(vs. the Маѕегаіїѕ 15/25) and a
nine-second —zerosto-60 figure.
Right: A trip computer,—stereo;
power windows—ocks, mirrors,
sun roof and air conditioning are
standard; automatic transmission
and-leather seats are optional.

NET GAINS FOR MOMBASA

Now that Tarzan chic is all the rage, thanks to Greystoke: The Legend of
Tarzan, Lord of the Apes, the next logical step is to turn your boring
bedroom into a Jon Hall jungle set by hanging up a Mombasa Mirage—
a canopy kit that comes with an ultralight frame that suspends from the
ceiling and fits any bed, plus two panels of fabric eight yards long. A
standard Mombasa kit is $79.95, postpaid (extra panels are $19.95 each),
sent to Yungjohann Hillman, Inc., 2345 Fort Worth Street, Grand Prairie,
Texas 75050. Colors range from white to camouflage. Say, Jane, a

lion has been 2-2-8. spotted near camp.

\

You’d better sleep in our tent.

PARTY POPPER
If you'd like your next bash
to begin—and even end—
with a bang rather than a

\
N whimper, there's LeBoom,
NN a curious trick noisemak-

Я à er that its manufacturer,
AM Abatar Inc., P.O. Box

* Florida 32790, calls a
\O “French-style party ina
. can.” All you do is light
the fuse, and when Le-
M Boom goes kaboom, a
carnival of party favors,
including confetti,

streamers, fake glasses, bal-
loons, feathers, noisemakers,
blowouts, a phony mustache
and a ball launcher with five
balls, explodes into the air
and cascades down onto your
cavorting guests. All for just
five bucks a pop. (Yes, it’s
safe to use indoors, according
10 Abatar, as the explosion is
a pint-sized poof.) For the
wild bunch, Abatar also
manufactures a Naughty
LeBoom at the same price
that’s a real French tickler.

| + 3109, Winter Park,

POTPOURRI

ARMORED BODY BY FISCHER
We don’t ordinarily feature rural
products, but when something as unusual
as Fischer's Armored Mailbox crosses
our desk, we figure all you rustics out
there will want to be filled in on what's
coming down the road. How tough is
Fischer's product? Well, you can slug it,
punch it, pound on it and, like Larry
Holmes, it'll keep coming back for more.
Price is $92.50, postpaid, sent to Add
On's By Fischer, P.O. Box 746,
Huntley, Illinois 60142. We give.

RED-LETTER DAY
For those of you who've always fanta-
sized about owning a legit brothel in
Nevada, there’s The Legal Whorehouse
Owner's Handbook, а 160-page softcover
available from Charlton House Publish-
ing, P.O. Box 2474, Newport Beach,
California 92663, for $6.95, postpaid,
that tells you everything you always
wanted to know—and maybe more—
about the world’s oldest profession. One
chapter even lists establishments—just
in case you want to do research.

STAMP OUT SEX!

Remember those feelthy eight-
pagers from years ago with
cartoon floozies and their boy-
friends carrying on in ways
that surely your mom and dad
never would have? Now the
Robinette-Orléans Erotic
Rubber Stamp Company,

P.O. Box 849 (Tucker
Station), Pulaski, Virginia
24301, has created a wonder-
ful selection of vintage little
ladies—plus a few oily gents—
and put them, of course,

оп rubber stamps selling for $3
to $12. A buck gets you sample
stampings. It's just like shop-
ping on the Reeperbahn.

FOOD CONTAINER
FOR THOUGHT

"The image of the brown bag-
ger as a lowbrow dingdong
who wouldn't know a blue-
berry muffin from a meadow
muffin has been laid to rest
with Eat n’ Read lunch
bags—20 different brown bags
available from Hyman Prod-
ucts, 2374 Grissom Drive, St.
Louis, Missouri 63146, for
only $2.50, postpaid, with
such intriguing subjects as
PEOPLE BURIED WITH OBJECTS
and WEIRD BEHAVIOR OF FAMOUS
PEOPLE discussed on the front.
Did you know that Bela Lu-
gosi was buried in his Dracula
cape? We read it at lunch.

PEC-ING ORDER

No, we don’t know the name,
address and phone number of
the dedicated distaff body-
builder pictured at left whom
Scott Billups photographed for
his Ladies of the Eighties
poster, but we'd be more than
willing to pump iron (or any-
thing else) with her any time
she wanted to. The poster’s
printing process is lithogra-
phy; the size is 35” x 23”;
and, best of all, the price is
only $29.50, postpaid, sent to
Courtyard Gallery, Р.О. Box
279, Elberta, Alabama 36530.
If she’s married, we'll bet her
husband never complains
about being henpec-ed.

NAUGHTY TIE ONE ON

Flip Up ties have plenty to say. On the surface,
they're just conservative rep ties, but flip the tips
up and you’ve got a variety of anything-but-
subliminal messages that include BULLSHIT, FUCK
YOU, WANTA SCREW, EAT MY WEENIE and a hand
giving the world the finger. For $16.50, postpaid,
sent to J & J Design, P.O. Box 729, Palatine,
Illinois 60078, you can tie one on and tell some-
body to HAVE A NICE DAY, ASSHOLE. A free brochure
is available. Who could ask for anything more?

GOING LIKE ’60

With Trivial Pursuit all the rage, it only stood to
reason that somebody would sooner or later re-
turn to those thrilling days of yesteryear—the
Sixties—and come up with a nostalgia game in
which participants could test one another's
knowledge of such bench marks of the decade as
Beatlemania and Vietnam. Somebody did, and
Sixtomania is available from Kimo Press, P.O.
Box 1361, Falls Church, Virginia 22041, for
$12.95, postpaid. Like, love and peace, man.

209

210

A Light Exposure
Actresses MICHELLE JOHN-
SON (above) and LORI
SINGER (below) have got-
ten a recent press blitz,
Johnson for Blame It on Rio
and Singer for Footloose.

Treasure Chest
In our ongoing quest to bring you the best-looking starlets, we offer exhibit A
for August, SUZANNE KENNEDY, who appeared in the suspense thriller
They're Playing with Fire. Her next movie is described as a sexy action/
creature feature. We weren't told whether she's the
action or the creature or the feature.

Ain't Nothin' Like
the Real Thing

_ Wasn't it a chuckle to see these two jokers
decked out in tuxes? It’s not every day that
CHEECH and CHONG get a classy piece of

| ass like this one. You can catch them in their
usual attire in The Corsican Brothers.

Real Веа!5

This photo is for ай the people who have
complained that they haven't seen enough of
actress JENNIFER BEALS lately. Except for
presenting an Oscar and gracing the pages
of fashion magazines, the Yalie has been
keeping a low profile. We like this profile
much better, don't you?

A Kiss Is Just a Kiss

For those of you who've never seen him
unmasked, here's mime MARCEL MARCEAU
with his real face on. Marceau is also an
accomplished artist, and at a recent gallery
showing of his paintings in Chicago, he was
seen making a pass at a lady of comparably
few words. Ah, romance!

Dudley Doright and His Mountee

listen up: We know some major-league celebrity breasts when we see them, and this
month, we've got SUSAN ANTON to thank for the pleasure. The dashing gent to her
left is, of course, DUDLEY MOORE, whom you can currently see in The Best Defense,
with Eddie Murphy. How about if we listen to Dudley and look at Susan?

WHAM, BAM—HEY,
NOT SO FAST, BUSTER

The belief persists that women don't
use erotica to become aroused. Certai
ly, that belief is central to the feminist

| Barbe is an ingenious French cartoon
(who broods about women. A nifty
collection of his drawings, Strips Mi

antipornography movement. But it is
not true, at least according to sex
therapist and author Lonnie Barbach,
who has edited a book that is bound to
be controversial, Pleasures Women
Write Erotica. It's a collection of nonfi
tion accounts by women about their
most erotic experiences. Barbach de-
cided to produce this book after women
with whom she talked in her work as
therapist complained that they couldn't
find adequate turn-ons. While video
pornography is made with arousal in
mind, its male orientation sometimes
turns women off. Romance novels are
remarkably popular with women, but by
d оп, they stop short of actual
depictions of sex. Barbach decided to
seek out real-life stories, believing that
true erotic tales would ensure their
value as turn-ons

"| wanted to give women permission
to feel good about their sexuality," Bar-
bach said. So she solicited stories from
gays, straights, married women, single
women, liberal and conservative wom-
en. The productisa richly varied volume
of sexual tales that are sure to teach us
something that turns on women. Note,
we said “turns on women.” There is
some question whether or not this stuff
will work for men, because it is different
from typical male porn. The female
authors seem to reject the instant-sex
formula of male erotica, in which the
buxom barmaid wanders into
the men's room, takes off all
her clothes and then pro-
ceeds to offer herself to
every construction worker
who walks in.

While it is difficult to
generalize about these
stories and about what
turns women on, you
would do well to note
where the writers begin
them. They seem to perceive
the sexual content, the arousal, as
beginning long before the sex, and in an
appealing context.

In "Seventeen Years, Take Note," by
Lynn Scott Myers, the author richly de-
scribes her life as a displaced American
hippie fruit picker in a small English
village. The fields, her co-workers, the
locals, the bar where they drink are all
noted. Six pages into the account, she
meets a guy. Five nights and seven
pages later, penetration occurs. Impor-
tant elements are how the couple meet,
the woman's state of mind, the courtship,
the psychological temperature and what
the woman is feeling during sex.

Some of the stories are less about sex
than about nurturing. One lesbian story
concerns a woman who has sex for the
first time after a hysterectomy. Another
features a male lover, a doctor, who not
only bakes bread but folds the pro-

SEX NEWS

This postcard caught our attention for
Iwo reasons. On the back it says, THE
TRUTH 15, THERE IS NO TRUTH. On the front
it says, quite clearly, that women want
to be alone—but, really, they don't.

tagonist's laundry—quite likely not a
prominent male turn-on. In some of the
stories, sex doesn't even take place.
Signe Hammers "1968" features a
woman traipsing around Manhattan. It
describes a daylong flirtation witha man
she sees on the street. No sex.

A poignant passage at the beginning
of one account is the stuff of the
romance novel: "He turned around in
his swivel chair and riveted his icy blue
eyes on mine.... | felt then that this is
the face ! would want to look into

The Germans, mas-
ters of explaining the
obvious, outdo them-
selves with their Anti
Baby-Condom, which

"offers double security by
sperm-killing gliding coat-
ing.” The item itself, in
pink, prompts us to think it
probably looks better on.

forever.” Much later, we arrive at lines
whose erotic content is more apparent:
“You have the sweetest pussy. | could
eat you forever.” Once the women
writers get to that point, they can
“quiver into crescendoing orgasms”
with the best of them. But the slow,
titillating foreplay of intensifying signals
is always there.

And that is probably the universal
truth revealed in these stories, the
aspect that distinguishes them from
those of the male genre. It reminds us of
an interview we once conducted with a
prominent Manhattan feminist. She
told us that she objected not to the idea
of pornography but to the fact that none
of it really appealed to women. "I'd like
to make an explicit film,” she said. “After
the first hour of foreplay, I'm sure
I'd think of something else to до” EJ

том BURRELL

Gold Rum.The first sip will amaze you.
The second will convert you.

“Т used to drink
Canadian whiskey.
Gold Rum
is smoother.”

with soda or ginger ale, or with your favorite mix
If you' king Canadian, bourbon or blended whiskey, it's because you

haven't tasted Puerto Rican gold rum. THE GOULD RUMS OF PUERTO RICO

214

COMELY COEDS

“FRIGID MEN"—IN THE SEXUAL REVOLUTION, NOT ALL.
THE CHILL I$ COMING FROM THE WOMEN'S SIDE ОЕ
THE BATTLE FRONT. A REPORT FROM THE TRENCHES—
BY CRAIG VETTER

"ANNE CARLISLE"—A VERY CLOSE LOOK AT THE EXOT-
IC, ANDROGYNOUS STAR OF LIQUID SKY

“COCAINE: THE GOD THAT FAILED"—THERE'S GOOD
NEWS AND BAD NEWS ABOUT COKE. IT DOESN'T HOOK
EVERYBODY, BUT ENOUGH OF IT WILL KILL ANYBODY.
THE MOST RELIABLE DATA YET, INTERPRETED BY
LAURENCE GONZALES

"BEAUTIFUL SCREAMERS"—SIX SLEEK, EXPENSIVE
AUTOS THAT MAY JUST BE THE NEXT BEST THING TO
SEX—BY GARY WITZENBURG

JACK LALANNE REVEALS WHAT HE AND JESUS HAVE
IN COMMON IN A TOUGH “20 QUESTIONS"

СОКЕ SCOOP

“JULIUS CAESAR AND THE WEREWOLF"—THE LATE,
GREAT AUTHOR OF GRENDEL AND OCTOBER LIGHT
WAS WORKING ON THIS CHILLINGLY SUPERNATURAL
STORY WHEN HE DIED IN A MOTORCYCLE MISHAP.
READ WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN—BY JOHN GARDNER

*GIRLS OF THE BIG TEN REVISITED"—ITS TIME WE
RETURNED TO THE HEARTLAND, WHERE THE COEDS
GET BETTER-LOOKING EVERY YEAR

"PLAYBOY'S BACK-TO-CAMPUS GUIDE”—ALL YOU
NEED TO KNOW ABOUT CLOTHES, GEAR, BOOKS, MUSIC
AND MAJORS TO BECOME A ВМ.ОС. WE EVEN GIVE
YOU A PICKUP LINE THAT WORKS

PLUS: A PRIZEWORTHY PLAYBOY INTERVIEW WITH
SHIRLEY MACLAINE; "PLAYBOY'S PIGSKIN PRE-
VIEW"; ANDREW TOBIAS’ “QUARTERLY REPORTS: FI-
NANCIAL NEWSLETTERS (AND OTHER JUNK MAIL)”;
AND “PRESIDENTIAL PURSUIT,” PLAYBOY'S EXCLU-
SIVE REAGAN TRIVIA GAME

(B 1983 Toyota Motor Sales. USA., Inc
The all-new Toyota 4x45 are turn-
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