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INTERVIEW: A SOUL-SEARCHING SHIRLEY MACLAINE

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THE MOST HONORED MOTORCYCLE IR

November 25, 1983, was aface-losing “Occasioned by the announcement of And devoted they are. To the Japanese
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PLAY BILL

ACCORDING то estimates by researchers in the field of drug abuse,
5000 people who have never used cocaine will try it within the
next 24 hours. It will take you less than an hour to read Cocaine:
A Special Report, by Contributing Editor Laurence Gonzales, and
if you are among today’s potential 5000, this piece may change
your mind, Says Gonzales, who spent several months gathering
the latest information on cocaine abuse and the newest methods
of treating it, "Cocaine is more dangerous than heroin. Two
factors discourage people from taking heroin: It can make you
feel sick the first time you take it and it has a terrible social
stigma. Cocaine doesn’t—yet—have that stigma, but it can take a
person to the gutter faster than any other drug.” Gonzales, who
prefers exercise to drugs, is also a computer maven who has just
completed several books soon to be published by Ballantine.

Actress Shirley Maclaine, whose third book, Out on a Limb,
continues to be a best seller, took Contributing Editor David
Rensin out on the limb with her when he went to her apartment
to begin this month’s Playboy Interview. “When I walked in, she
was sitting on a couch with a 15-year-old English boy who held
between the thumb and forefinger of each hand a gold chain at
опе end of which was a crystal. At her urging, he was trying to
make the crystal move—with his mind. But he wasn’t having
any success. He doubted that it was possible, and so did I.
Finally, Shirley took the chain and made the crystal move with
absolute ease. It blew me away.” We had to ask the obvious
question: Did she teach you to do it, David? “Yep. Гуе been
practicing at home and doing quite well, thank you. I’m not sure
how it works, but it can be done.” On the darker side of the
supernatural, the most famous emperor of Western civilization
takes one step beyond in the late John Gardner's last short story,
Julius Caesar and the Werewolf, illustrated by Bruce Wolfe.

After we published E. Jean Carroll's article Frigid Women in
the April issue, several readers wrote to us suggesting that there
was another side to the coin. We asked frequent contributor
Craig Vetter to research the matter, and the result is Frigid Men,
illustrated by Seymour Chwast. Vetter made another contribution
to this issue: the first installment in a series of columns titled
Against the Wind.

It’s back-to-college time again and we have a cornucopia of
useful aids for the campus bound: First, there’s the Back to
Campus Playboy Guide, a special section containing tips on
clothes, cars, stereos, dating and much more; next, the annual
Playboy's Pigskin Preview, by our sports oracle nonpareil, Anson
Mount, who also picks rLAvBov's 1984 college All-America team;
and, if that doesn’t get college-age readers back to campus in a
hurry, we're sure our second pictorial on the Girls of the Big Ten
will. The comely coeds were photographed by Staff Photogra-
pher Pompeo Posar, Associate Staff Photographer David Mecey
and Contributing Photographers David Chan and Richard Fegley.
Fegley also pitched in with Assistant Photography Editors Patty
Beaudet and Michael Ann Sullivan to capture the essence of Anne
Carlisle, who stars in the film Liquid Sky.

To round out the issue, in Yikes II: The New Peril, the first in
a series of editorials, we satirize Time magazine’s report on the
death of the sexual revolution; our financial whiz, Andrew
Tobias, is back with another of his Quarterly Reports, this time
оп how to deal with junk mail that offers to make you rich;
Contributing Editor Gery Witzenburg road-tests the world’s sex-
iest cars in Beautiful Screamers; Paul Slansky, taking a cue from
the latest trivia-game craze, guides us on a tragicomic tour
through today’s White House in Presidential Pursuit: The Rea-
gan Edition; and our Fashion Editor, Hollis Wayne, outfits Satur-
day Night Live's Jim Belushi. If it seems that we've forgotten
something important, don’t worry: This month’s Playmate is
Kimberly Evenson, and we bet we don’t even have to tell you
where to turn to find her.

GONZALES

GARDNER

MOUNT

FEGLEY

SLANSKY

TOBIAS WITZENBURG

PLAYBOY. (азм 0092-1470), SEPTEMBER. 1904, VOLUME

Rum and Tonic. Its Whats Happening.

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PLAYBOY.

vol. 31, no. 9—september, 1984 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE
PLAYBILL ...... 5

PLAYBOY EDITORIAL: YIKES II: THE NEW PERIL . 13

DEAR PLAYBOY. ...... 3 Te 15

PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS.............. Pretty e FR SG a

MEN OD A ORE oa EET ао, ....... ASA BABER 41

WOES аз... CYNTHIA HEIMEL 43

AGAINST THE WIND... iere кзз enis ............ CRAIG VETTER 45 E Bice
THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR .... isses erre hen 47

DEAR PLAYMATES: „2, аа аканнан оа евала Ек hh 51

THE PLAYBOY ТОКЫМ. сез OEP aos 5:3 1 49A o o era E 53

PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: SHIRLEY MAC LAINE—candid conversation .............. 59

JULIUS CAESAR AND THE WEREWOLF—fiction.............. . JOHN GARDNER 74

CULT QUEEN—pidorial.......... dos text by BRUCE WILLIAMSON 80 lerem

FRIGID MEN—article . ........ esses CRAIG VETTER 88

THE RETAILORING OF JIM BELUSHI—ottire .................... HOLLIS WAYNE 91

QUARTERLY REPORTS: BULK-RATE RICHES—article ............
GETTING EVENSON—playboy's playmate of the month. .
PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES—humor .......

COCAINE: A SPECIAL REPORT—article.......... . LAURENCE GONZALES 112

PLAYBOY'S PIGSKIN PREVIEW—sports. TTE . ANSON MOUNT 115 E
BEAUTIFUL SCREAMERS—article ..................... GARY WITZENBURG 121

PRESIDENTIAL PURSUIT: THE REAGAN EDITION—satire . PAULSLANSKY 127

GIRLS OF THE BIG TEN—pictoriol. j traria ienr AEN кен. c MR

PLAYBOY FUNNIES—humor. s 145

PLAYBOY GUIDE: BACK TO CAMPUS ....... ver жые heie TA

PLAYBOY ON THE SCENE .... REL AE 205 Belushi Retailored

COVER STORY

Calvin Klein created the big new flap in women’s underwear; Playmate
af the Manth Kimberly Evenson legitimizes it in this month’s cover shot, which
comes to us courtesy of Contributing Photographer Stephen Wayda. Men
the world over have been trying to find out what comes between Kim and her
Calvins. For more on this unfolding story, turn to her gatefold appearance.

You never forget
your firstGirl.

PLAYBOY

HUGH M. HEFNER
editor and publisher

NAT LEHRMAN associate publisher

ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director
ТОМ STAEBLER art director
DON GOLD managing editor
GARY COLE photography director
G. BARRY GOLSON executive editor

EDITORIAL
NONFICTION: JAMES MORGAN articles editor; ков
FLEDER senior editor; FICTION: ALICE К. TURNER.
editor; YERESA GROSCH associate editor; PLAYBOY
GUIDES: Maury Z LEVY. editor; WEST COAST:
STEPHEN RANDALL edilor; STAFF: WILLIAM J
HELMER, GRETCHEN MC NEESE, PATRICIA PAPANGE
us (administration), DAVID STEVENS senior edi-
lors; ROBERT E. САКИ, WALTER LOWE, JK, JAMES R
PETERSEN, JOHN REZEK senior slaff writers; KEVIN
COOK, BARBARA NELLIS, KATE NOLAN, J. F. O'CONNOR
SUSAN MARGOLIS:-WINTER (new york) associate edi-
lors; DAVID NIMMONS assistant editor; MODERN
LIVING: ED WALKER associate editor; JIM BARKER
assistant editor; FASHION: HOLLIS WAYNE editor;
HOLLY BINDERUP assistant editor; CARTOONS:
MICHELLE URRY editor; COPY: ARLENE BOURAS
editor; over натам assistant editor; NANCY BANKS,
CAROLYN BROWNE, JACKIE JOHNSON. МАКСУ MAK
СНІ, BARI LYNN MASH. MARY ZION researchers;
CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: ASA BABER, JOHN
BLUMENTHAL, LAURENCE GONZALES, LAWRENCE
GROWEL, D. KEITH MANO, ANSON MOUNT, PETER
ROSS RANGE, DAVID RENSIN, RICHARD RHODES
JONN SACK, TONY SCHWARTZ, DAVID STANDISH
BRUGE WILLIAMSON (mottes), GARY WITZENBURG

ART
KERIG POPE managing director; CHET SUSKI. LEN
WILLIS senior directors; BRUCE HANSEN, THEO
KOUVATSOS, SKIP WILLIAMSON associate directors;
JOSEPH PACZEK assistant director; FRANK LINDNER,
ANN SEIDL, CRAIG SMITH art assistanis; SUSAN
HOLMSTROM traffic coordinator: BARRARA HOFF
Man administrative manager

PHOTOGRAPHY

MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast editor; JEFF COWEN
senior edilor; JAMES LARSON, JANICE MOSES a@sso-
ciate editors; PATTY BEAUDET. LINDA KENNEY. Mt
CHAEL ANN SULLIVAN assistant editors; POMPEO
rosak slaf] photographer; DAVID MECEY, KERRY
moreris associate slaf] photographers; DAVID CHAN
RICHARD FEGLEY, ARNY FREYTAG, RICHARD IZU
LARKY L LOGAN, KEN MARCUS, STEPHEN WAYDA
contribuling photographers; BARBARA CAMP. JANE
FRIEDMAN, PATRICIA TOMLINSON stylists; JAMES
warn color lab supervisor; ROBERT CHELIUS biisi-
ness manager

PRODUCTION
JOHN MASTRO director; MARIA MANDIS manager;
ELFANORE WAGNER, JODY JURGETO, RICHARD
QUARTAKOL! assistants

READER SERVICE
CYNTHIA LACEY-SIKICH mani

ger

CIRCULATION
RICHARD SMITH director; ALVIN WIEMOLD sib-
scription manager

ADVERTISING

CHARLES M STENTIFORD director

ADMINISTRATIVE
TIM DOLMAN assistant publisher; MARGIN TER
Rones rights & permissions manager; EILEEN
KENT contracts administrator

PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES, INC.
CHRISTIE HEFNER president

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Meee PLAYBOY EDITORIAL

“A stress syndrome caused
by repeated exposure

to bad news and rotten
trends has reached
epidemic proportions.

A recent Time magazine cover boldly
declared, “Sex IN THE ‘80S: THE REVO-
LUTION IS OVER." The issue contained a
comprehensive cover story delineating
everything that Time knows about the
birds and the bees. Its weighty thoughts
inspired the following:

Tempus fugit
— ANONYMOUS ROMAN, 89 A D.
The [sexual] revolution is over.
— "TIME" COVER STORY, APRIL 9, 1984
Fuck off, Time.

—ANONYMOUS READER. SUMMER 1984

“Руе had it with shallow news experi-
ences,” says one pretty Chicagoan who
wishes to be anonymous. (All of the
anonymous sources in this editorial wish
to remain anonymous.) “I want some
depth, some meaning, some commitment.
Dan Rather, Tom Brokaw, Peter Jen-
nings—they’re all the same to me in the
dark. As for print,” she says, “if I wake up
‘once more and find a strange copy of Time
lying unread by my bedside, I'll die!”

From cities, suburbs and small towns
alike there is growing evidence that the

YIKES II:

THE NEW PERIL

national obsession with artificial news sto-
ries and trendy reporting is on the wane.
“I'm back to Thackeray and Melville,”
says a stockbroker from Nashville. “I
want the real stuff, the lasting stuff. You
can hang around only so many news-
stands, making small talk, waiting for the
right cover story to come along.” Veterans
of the media revolution—some wounded
by silly reporting, some merely bored—
are reinventing and rediscovering the
pleasures of reading books, switching off
ТУ sets and having a good time instead of
worrying about the news.

The pretty young Chicagoan who said
she would rather die than wake up with
another strange news magazine by her bed
may have been speaking literally. The
dreaded—and once incurable—disease
Yikes ll, a stress syndrome caused by
repeated exposure to bad news and rotten
trends, has reached epidemic proportions.
Yikes П is known to strike at people who
are obsessed with the media. (Its victims
typically have had as many as 300 news
contacts a year; those most at risk include
devotees of all-news radio stations and
subscribers to two or more news publica-
tions.) “Personally, I think it’s God's
scourge against those who are promis-
cuous about the media,” says a right-wing
Senator who wished his name to be used
but who shall also remain anonymous.
“They went against God’s commandment
to take only the Bible literally, so it’s no
wonder they’re being swatted down like
the insects they are. Praise the Lord.”

Even the nation’s colleges, traditionally
hotbeds of rampant media consciousness,
have turned off. Campus surveys show
that the percentage of students who sit
around discussing current events has
plunged from a high of 61 percent in 1969
to 3 percent in 1984. “I’m too interested in
grade grubbing to get excited about head-
lines or cover stories," says a junior at
Michigan who is majoring in engincering.
“And when I’m not hacking, I’m either
sacked out or fucking. The media? What's
that? I tune into Hill Street, a little MTV
and that’s that.”

The fact that people don’t put much
stock in the news anymore hit the media
like a thunderclap. At Time Inc., for
example, whose flagship publication,
Time magazine, recently ran a cover story
proclaiming the end of the nation’s inter-
est in sex, sister publications promptly

scrambled to follow suit. “Yep, that’s it for
the yearly bathing-suit issue,” says an
unnamed senior editor of Sports Illus-
trated. “There isn't any interest in that
sort of thing anymore. Guys are just going
to have to buy that issue for the scores.”

A ranking editor of People magazine,
another Time Inc., publication, is equally
forthright about adjusting to the company
line: "We've decided not to feature sex
scandals or juicy gossip in the magazine
anymore. Our readers just aren’t inter-
ested. It’s over, all of that.”

Other news and information outlets are
seeking less drastic ways of securing the
loyalty of their audiences. “We'll run few-
er sensational stories about pornography
and sexual scandals than we did before,"
explains the news director of a television
station, “except for sweeps week, when, of
course, we'll run more than ever."

Adds another news executive, on deep
background, “We've got to win back those
audiences who've become fed up with
superficiality and hypocrisy.” He explains
that his station plans to run a 12-part
series on the local nightly news showing
shapely teenaged prostitutes and their
techniques. “This is the sort of public
service that will build audience loyalty,”
he explains. “People will learn of the
shame and squalor of our inner cities and,
we hope, do something about it. I figure a
40 share those two weeks.”

Media therapists, once a fringe of the
psychiatric profession, are busier than
ever treating patients with inhibited media
desire (I.M.D.). The problem—a neurotic
fear of sweeping statements and over-
blown reporting—can reach percentages
as high as 40 and 50 percent on slow
news weeks. "In the Fifties and Sixties, it
was assumed that everyone wanted to have
more and more soft news stories,” says one
media scholar, himself a refugee from
Newsweek. “In the Seventies, we gave it to
them—a veritable orgy of trends, fads and
lifestyle reporting. Now, in the Eighties,
people are sick of it all. They'd just as
soon commit themselves to one long book,
a warm fire and some companionship."

And later on, when the fire has died
down and the book is set aside? “People
will do what comes naturally," he says
wearily. “And soon enough, someone
somewhere will report that as a new

trend."
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DEAR PLAYBOY

ADDRESS DEAR PLAYBOY
PLAYBOY BUILDING
919 N. MICHIGAN AVE.
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611

OVER THE RAINBOW
Jesse Jackson, in his Playboy Interview
(June), tries to defuse the antipathy many
Jews have toward him by making distinc-
tions between Judaism and Zionism,
stating that “Zionism and Judaism are
different things.” And therein lies the root
of the Reverend Jackson’s conflict with
American Jews. Clearly, it is not for him
to determine what Judaism is, yet he says,
“The state of Israel is not the state of
Judaism.” That statement is in conso-
nance with the P.L.O.'s justification of the
rejection of Israel, but it is antithetical to
Zionism. Almost any Jew—regardless of
his position on who is and who isn’t
Jewish—will agree that Judaism is a
nationality that includes a religion, a lan-
guage, a culture, a heritage and a land.
Separating Judaism from Israel is like a
black's rejecting his linkages with the con-
tinent of Africa. Zionism does not equal
Judaism, but it is an intrinsic part of it.
Bob Flisser
Washington, D.C.

I had thought Jesse Jackson was just
trying to get attention. When I read your
Interview with him, I realized he was not
what I thought he was. Please keep such
Interviews coming, so that readers can
really understand the people who are
making headlines.

Mike Fisher
Crozet, Virginia

My “congratulations” to the premier
demagogic double talker of our times. An
awesome Interview.

Mike E. Squires
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

In your Interview, Jackson says this
about the Middle East: “Now, through all
the chaos and confusion, I emerge with the
capacity to talk to both sides.” This from a
man who danced with Arafat, called Zion-
ism “а poisonous weed” and New York

tired of hearing about the Holocaust” and
refused to repudiate Farrakhan for calling
Hitler a great man. . . . The Hymie word
is chutzpah!
Peter H. Osroff
Brooklyn, New York

SKY-WALKING WITH REAGAN
‘To indicate, as Kosta Tsipis does in his
Viewpoint, “Why Reagan's ‘Star Wars’
Plan Won't Work” (PLAYBov, June), that
there is a conspiratorial group of Air
Force officers attempting to drain the Pen-
tagon and U.S. budgets so that they may
have new wartime playthings is to deni-
grate the motives and patriotism of our
cer corps and the intelligence of our
ian Governmental personnel. In more
than 22 years of service as a regular offi-
cer, I saw no evidence that the military has
any other goal than to defend the U.S.
against threats to our security and free-
dom as perceived by our Government.
"That does mean keeping ahead technologi-
cally. Dr. Tsipis is naive to think that the
Soviets will negotiate with us—except
when they perceive us as militarily strong,
both offensively and defensively. To have
that strength, we must pay for it. The
alternative is unacceptable.
F. D. Losco
Voorhees, New Jersey

Kosta Tsipis may be knowledgeable in
physics, but he displays appalling igno-
rance of history and strategy. In the first
place, the history of warfare is in many
respects a history of “ultimate” weapons
that retained that title until either effective
defenses or “more ultimate” weapons
came along. Second, to claim that an
ABM system must be 100 percent effec-
tive to be of any value shows an ignorance
of deterrence strategy. No defense is 100
percent effective, but even а partially
effective ABM system would drastically
alter the options available to both the
United States and the Soviet Union—in

our favor. Finally, why did you allow

City “Hymietown,” said he was "sick and

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in handsome leather-bound
volumes that may well become
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| he Signed First Edition Soci-
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Irving Stone

Сш КЛ сы

Gore Vidal

Joyce Carol ates ‘Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

Chye lnl би»

PHOTO CREDIT: кип Vennegut, Jr. by Jill Krementz

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Specially milled acid-free Original illu

paper will rations
ee ee ое ei
аве edges gil
with a tarnish-free finish these volumes.
for protection and beauty.
isses
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CHANGING
YOUR ADDRESS?

Please let us know! Notify us
atleast 8 weeks before you
move to your new address,
so you won't miss any cop-
ies on your PLAYBOY sub-
scription. Here's how:

On a separate sheet,
attach your mailing
label from a recent
issue. Or print your
name and address ex-
actly as it appears on
your label

Print your new address
on the sheet as well

Mail to:

PLAYBOY

P.O. Box 2420
Boulder, CO 80302

your illustrator to depict the President of
the United States—who is attempting,
rightly or wrongly, to provide greater
security for the nation—as a Darth Vader
type of villain?
Thomas N. Thompson
Mountain Home, Idaho
We apologize to Mr. Vader.

BRUNETTE IS BEAUTIFUL

1 was incredibly happy to see Barbara
Edwards as your Playmate of the Year
(рглувоу, June). Not only is she beautiful,
she is also a brunette, like me. As an avid
female reader of pLaysoy, I’m thrilled to
see a dark-haired lady reign again—the
last brunette to win was Patti McGuire,
in 1977. Let’s hear it for Barbara!

E. Reynolds
Portland, Oregon

With our Government making some
bad decisions, it’s great to see an institu-
tion such as rLAvBov make some good
ones. I am referring to your selection of
the beautiful Barbara Edwards as
Playmate of the Year. I hope the people of
this country demonstrate such good judg-
ment in selecting a new President.

Jeff Brown

Des Moines, Iowa

INCREDIBLE EDIBLES

You'll get 10,000 letters like this one.
So be You put the Savoy Grill, in Kan-
sas City, on your "Regional Favorites” list
in Critics’ Choice: The 25 Greatest Res-
taurants in America (PLAYBOY, June), and
I have this to say about that. My husband
took me to the Savoy for my 25th birthday.
Ме were ungraciously seated, ungracious-
ly treated, underfed, overcharged and to-
tally unimpressed. When my husband's
work group decided to get together and go
to Kansas City to eat, the organizer of the

outing made reservations at the Savoy. We
declined. Reports from those who went
indicated they were ungraciously seated,
ungraciously treated, underfed, over-
charged and generally unimpressed. A lot
of people read your magazine and respect
your opinions. I don’t count you as Gos-
pel, but I give your words more weight
than many others’. Next time you do a
restaurant guide, please at least try Kan-
sas City’s Top of the Crown and compare
it with the Savoy. The Savoy may be
К.С. oldest, but it ain't K.C.’s finest, and
ТИ bet the asparagus salad at the Top of
the Crown on that.

Nanci Little-Morgan

Leavenworth, Kansas

Just read your puke-and-choke article
on frog restaurants on coasts—big fucking
deal! Just more expensive heartburns and
burps—who gives a fast fuck about these
asshole expensive frog places? Fucking
elitists and fucking snobs and jerks!

Louis К. Koran II
Middleton, Wisconsin

YOUNG, GIFTED AND PUNK
After reading Skank or Die (PLAYBOY,

June), I am firmly convinced that Charles
M. Young is the best chronicler of punk
music in the business. I suggest that he be
immediately named pLayeoy’s Punk Edi-
tor for life.

Rodney Welch

Camden, South Carolina

CALVIN SCHISM.

It seems that success has gone to Calvin
Klein’s head (Playboy Interview, May).
Has he forgotten he was an inexperienced
teenager when he went to work for Dan
Millstein, a leading manufacturer of la-
dies’ coats and suits for 40 years? Dan was
an innovative fashion leader who intro-
duced French-styled clothes to American
women at prices they could afford. The
nation’s first television giveaway show,
The Big Payoff, hosted by Bess Myerson,
offered Millstein's coats and suits as
prizes. Dan's aggressive nature was a help
to his success in the "jungle" Calvin so
aptly describes; who is to say Calvin Klein
himself does not lose his temper when one
of his employees errs? Dan cannot defend
himself today. He is no longer with us.
But he worked hard all his life to build а
fine reputation, and Calvin would not be
sitting in his office today if not for Dan's
recognition of his talent.

Audrey Millstein Goodman
New York, New York

STRAIGHT TALK

Concerning your May article Young
Kennedys, by Peter Collier and David
Horowitz, and the drug-related death of
David Kennedy: Sadly, 1 now have anoth-
er example to cite when asked by my peers
why I do not use drugs. There is no such
thing as the “recreational use” of illicit
drugs. The young Kennedys would do

Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health.

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Hacienda Heights, California

FOR MATURE AUDIENCES

I was pleasantly surprised to pick up
the June рїлүвоү and find that Playmate
of the Month Tricia Lange is 27 years old.
The Europeans are correct in their belief
that an “older” woman has more to offer
than her 19-year-old counterpart. Come
on, PLAYBOY, let's have Playmates who

have experienced a little bit

Ruthann Clough
San Diego, California

I've always said 1957 was a great year
for cars and kids— Tricia Lange over-
whelmingly proves my point! She's a
Cadillac of a woman.

Mitch Greenblatt
New York, New York

LETTER OF THE MONTH
In addition to being an obnoxious low-
life, I am a student. Before we begin, let
me present my credentials as a student
spokesman: I would like to tell you that 1
am captain of the UCLA debating team,
chairman of the National Council on Stu-
dent Affairs and president of the Interna-
tional Union of College Men. Yes, I
would like to tell you those things,
but Pm afraid the above is a batch of
shameless lies. So much for my creden-
tials. Those of us here in the physics
department are working day and night in
order to solve the one flaw in PLAYBOY.
The women in your pictorials are so beau-
tiful—so unlike the endless parade of hags
and reptiles we're always meeting via
Aunt Maybelle—that we sometimes doubt
their authenticity. There must be some
way in which the reality of Playmates can
be forcefully communicated within the
restrictions of a magazine format. Our
idea is this: Inside every copy of PLAYBOY,
staple a tiny wax envelope containing a
single strand of the Playmate’s hair! Of
course, we anticipate certain difficulties. A
few of the Playmates may selfishly object
to having their bodies picked clean of cilia
In addition, you may some morning find
yourselves face to face with a mob of club-
wielding boyfriends who are anxious to
understand why their Playmate girl-
friends were returned to them dispossessed
of even microscopic stubble. Those obsta-
cles are trifles. Our theory is sound in gen-
eral, and we know it. We will continue to
experiment until the whole thing is per-
fected. ГЇЇ keep you posted
David Beckett
Encino, California

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PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS

HORSING AROUND

Louis Geanakoplos, a pari-mutuel
clerk at Maywood Park race track near
Chicago, knew a sure thing when he saw
it. So when the pari-mutuel machines
failed to lock at the start of a race, he made
his move. Forty-five seconds into the race,
Geanakoplos decided to punch ош a bet
for himself on a 30-to-one shot that was
leading the field by three lengths. He
punched out another bet. And another.
And another.

By the time the race was over, the clerk
had bet $10,800, the winning horse was
demoted to a five-to-one shot and Geana-
koplos knew he was in deep horseshit. He
cashed the tickets and returned the money
to the track management, explaining, “1
just got excited."

By the way, the horse on which Geana-
koplos bet was named Dare and Defy

We noticed this graffito їп Chicago's
Gordon restaurant: THERE ARE MANY WAYS
TO SAY 1 LOVE YOU BUT FUCKING IS FASTEST.

The Challenger, the official publication
of the United Aerospace Workers, quoted
Local 506 president Lorraine Sablan: “It
is about time that labor relations got out of
the bleachers and got into the game; after
all, this is a team effort, and I don’t mind
playing with the balls.”

That'll make the natives less restless:
The article was about military maneuvers,
but the headline in the Holland, Michi-
gan, Sentinel read, "MORE FRENCH HEAD TO
CHAD.”

.
We didn't hear the lecture, but Wash-
ington, D.C.’s, Children's Hospital Na-
tional Medical Center sponsored the talk
“Intersex Problems in Pediatrics" The
speaker? Wellington Hung, M.D
А

If you’re wondering how to cheer your-
self up during those long moments waiting

in your therapist’s office, pick up a copy of
The Jokes of Sigmund Freud: A Study in
Humor and Jewish Identity, by Elliot
Oring (University of Pennsylvania Press,
3933 Walnut Street, Philadelphia, Penn-
sylvania 19104).

The Scotts Valley, California, Times
chose to headline a story about aman who
had stolen some automobile equipment
“JACK OFFED."

Dear Abby's readers who wanted to
know whether “make the bed” or “dres:
the bed” was correct were advised by Whit
in Alexandria, Virginia, that the English
“Jay the table.”

Picky, picky: The Dallas Observer
ran the following personal ad: "Very
sexy, highly intelligent, outstanding dress-
er, gourmet cook, five languages, seck-
ing discreet adult pleasures. Only
supereducated, clean, patient, attentive,

beautiful, gentle, considerate, creative,
world-traveled, shapely, long-legged, flat-

stomached, courteous, well-connected
and musical need apply. No oldies, fat-
ties, youngsters, dopers, nuts, kooks,

weirdos, neurotics, nitwits, half-wits, dull-
wits, cross dressers, poor dressers, hair-
dressers, window dressers, wallflowers or
singles or marrieds or men or women.
Nobody. Leave me alone.”

A Sacramento County Superior Court
jury had a little confusion over unisex lan-
guage. After returning to the jury room, it
requested to see the exhibits in the case.
By law, such a request must be made in
writing. "Write a note, have the foreper-
son sign it and give it to the bailiff,” the
jury was told. It dutifully wrote a note and
four persons signed it.

Customers of Swink's Pools Company
in Staunton, Virginia, can pick up a
bumper sticker that reads, MAKE ALL YOUR
WET DREAMS COME TRUE.

A brother and sister in Spotsylvania,
Virginia, were arrested after they ex-
humed their father's body to remove his
teeth. "They told police they believed that
his gold crowns had been etched with the
number of a Swiss bank account, but they
couldn't find it. Neither could the police.

HAPPY DAZE

According to a headline in the Chicago
Sun-Times, "DRUG SALES TO STUDENTS
CHARGED." Which explains the dramatic
increase in consumer debt.

And in The New York Times:
OF STUDENTS HIGH IN A STATE OF FEW TAXES.”
Must be the trickle-downer effect.

“SCORES

POLICE ACADEMY

It’s traditional for police-academy grad-
uating classes to have boisterous parties
celebrating the end of training and assign-
ments to rookie patrols. San Francisco’s

Not since Cortes has a Spaniard set out to conquer the Americas with
such determination as Julio Iglesias. To that end, and with a keen eye on
demographics, Iglesias has recorded duets with a veritable "Who's Julio?”
of superstars, from Willie Nelson to Diana Ross, Hereunth, a look at the
soon-to-be-released Julio and Mr. T duet, which will definitely go on the
“A” side.

JuLio: All the languages I've sung before

Convinced me English would be just one more.

But something in your vowels,

I make de dogs to howl

When I sing this language I've never sung before.
MRT: Zain’ gonna sing no duet—wit? you!

Shut up or I'll use your vocal cords to lace—my shoe!

I ain't gonna be yo’ chump!

Listen, fool! Kiss my rump!

Tain’t gonna sing no duet-—wit’ you!

Julio: Though I take the English lessons,

MRT: (Enunciate, fool!)

ушло: And I learn the words by rote,

MR. T: (You better get yo’self to Berlitz, suckeh!)
Jurio: My thick accent never lessens.

MR. T: (Say what?)

JULIO: I still sound straight off de boat.

MR.T: (Who gave this fool a microphone, anyway?)

JULIO: So that my singing everyone enjoys,
Ising unth Willie and de Beaches Boys.
I need you, Señor T,
To sing duet with me
In this language I've never sung before.

MR T: lain't gonna sing no duet—unt' you!
I don't care if you are number one—in Peru!
You ain't no Valentino!
Watch your step! I'll eat your tuxedo!
І аіл? gonna sing no duet—unt’ you!

Juuio:. Though I’m very hot in Europe,

MR. T: (Europe don't know nothin!)

JULIO: Where my fans are Swedes and Serbs,

MR т: (Prob'ly love a wimp like you in France!)
Junio: I can't seem to get de English.

MR.T: (“1° before “E,” fool!)

Јоцо: Oh, my God, I hate de verbs.

MR T: (Look out! The fool’s fixin’ to sing again!

I know it!—Face! Hannibal! Get me off of this record!)

JULIO: If only with this song you would assist.
How'd you like to harmonize unt’—my fist?
1 need you, Señor Т.

Wise up, turkey! Don’t mess wit’ me!

It's a language Гое never sung before.

I ain't gonna sing no duet—unt? you!

Then on de tube, señor, I won't watch you!

Your English is moldy cheese!

You should hear ту Japanese.

т Гат? gonna sing no duet—unt’—you!

(If this ain't a gold record, gonna bust you up!) —SCOTT FIVELSON

156th graduating class was no different.
But this party, attended by most of the
36-member class, about 20 guests and a
goodly number of veteran officers, took а
weird turn.

About ten pM, with virtually everyone
there heavily fortified by drink, a 22-year-
old recruit, said to be "shy," was suddenly
grabbed and handcuffed to a chair on a
stage in the Rathskeller restaurant. A coat
was thrown over his head, and on cue
entered a blonde woman in a cream-
colored business suit. The recruit’s pants
were unzipped and the woman com-
menced to work on his baton.

A scuffle broke out among the perpetra-
tors and officers who objected to the
prank. San Francisco police chief Con
Murphy wasn’t too pleased about the
occurrence. And although neither the
graduates nor veteran officers present
would finger those responsible, Murphy
did identify six participants and sus-
pended them [rom the force pending for-
mal charges and possible firing. He also
sent the entire police-academy class back
to school for an additional month of train-
ing that will focus on law, ethics, rules and
proper procedures,

A female recruit who saw the prank
said that had it taken place at a closed
bachelor party, “nothing would have come
of it.” With a great choice of words, she
concluded, “The entire incident was
blown out of proportion."

It’s your life, pal: A Chicago Sun-Times
columnist pondered the following ques-
tion: “If something comes on a bed of let-
tuce, is it OK to eat the lettuce?”

AUDITOR DENIES SEX-SLAVE
OVERHEAD

A letter from an irate employee of Ari-
zona's Department of Revenue charged
that tax officials were keeping "sex
slaves” with state funds. Furthermore, a
“half-naked tabletop dancer" had per-
formed right there in the office.

Revenue administrators disallowed the
employee’s deductions. True, a seemingly
angry woman had cornered chief income-
tax auditor William Cunningham, offered
him the shirt off her back, then made good
on her offer. But the disclosure of her
assets was just part of the (admittedly
"inappropriate") after-hours office party
Cunningham’s co-workers had thrown to
celebrate his promotion. The woman was
a professional stripper, paid out of private
funds. As press spokesman Greg Smith
said, “I don’t think my wife would let me
keep a sex slave.”

According to a headline in The Chroni-
cle of Higher Education, “FIRST ‘OVUM
‘TRANSFER’ BABY BORN; COMMERCIAL SHRIMP
FARM BEGUN.” Will the products be mar-
keted for adoption or for cooking?

Lówenbràu.
Heres to
good friends.

MUSIC

MORE BOYS IN MAKE-UP: Live rock-'n'-roll shows are becoming more theatrical with each new pop
Brit sensation. This month's award for putting the showbiz back into showbiz goes to Howard Jones
(left), shown here with Jed the Mime performing New Song at Chicago's Park West. Now, there's
a chain that Mr. T would slug to get. By the way, don't look for the band, because there isn't one.

ECOND TIME AROUND: What be-

comes a one-album legend most? A
blue-collar pragmatism about a dog-collar
profession, that’s what. Guitarist/song-
writer Peter Buck of the pop/folk/rock
R.E.M. is a terrific deflator of his band’s
critically inflated reputation. Now that
Murmur's follow-up, Reckoning (LR.S.),
is hitting the racks and the review pages,
R.E.M. faces such great pop-music-career
killers as critical backlash, critical apathy
or, worse, further inflation. Buck is ready

“I always figured a band that got so
much good press had to be paying some-
body off,” he says, laughing, remembering
the reviews that put Murmur atop almost
every 1983 critics’ poll. “We were pleased
and surprised with the reaction. Personal-
ly, I figured the record wasn’t the best and
it wasn’t the worst.” Shrug.

And Reckoning? “Well, it’s more a col-
lection of songs than a mood record like
Murmur.” Any sophomore jitters? Anoth-
er shrug. “Took us 12 days—we had to
cancel about four weeks’ studio time.”
Any worries about the critics? “We have
good taste, which is the skill you really
need in rock "n' roll. And quality wins out
in the end, anyway. Look at Louie,
Louie—that’s all you have to do. It’s out-
lasted every quack fad since 1964 and will
continue to do so.” So what should one say
about great stuff, like Reckoning? “I'd say
I didn’t know why I fucking liked it, that I
didn't care and I don’t think I have to tell
you why I liked it, either." Pete, your sec-
ond career awaits. — LAURA FISSINGER

REVIEWS

George Jones went up the charis and
down the tubes at roughly the same

determined pace, and his increasingly
troubled life was echoed for a time in the
classic tavern tearjerkers that went per-
fectly with one of country music’s most
distinctive and melancholy voices. Fierce-
ly loyal friends and fans of the most tradi-
tional of country sounds are credited with
helping George survive the hard times.
His new album, You've Still Got a Place in
My Heart (Epic), is a fine sampler that
ranges from the old new Jones to the new
old Jones: upbeat to downbeat and back.
•

If people thought Willie was only fcol-
ing with his Stardust or that he was string-
ing folks along with his Over the Rainbow
or that Julio Iglesias was just a friend he
put on the payroll to help him get his
papers, they've got another think coming.
His latest entry, Ange! Eyes (Columbia),
includes probably the first сше version of
Tumbling Tumbleweed ever recorded,
plus a samba, for God’s sake, and other
real purty songs that will cause his old
fans to send flowers and his new ones to
fall in love. Somebody go find Waylon and
tell him what’s happening.

We're recommending Civilized Man
(Capitol), Joe Cocker's new album. Why,
you ask? Just listen to his version of There
Goes My Baby and you'll get the picture.
For those of you who know Cocker only as
a joke on Saturday Night Live, this album
will be good news. Go for it.

Michel Petrucciani, a diminutive jazz
pianist from France, is the most promising
keyboard artist to come from Europe
within memory. The evidence: his first
solo album for an American company, 100

Hearts (George Wein). It’s incandescent
His technique and maturity are amazing
for a musician of only 21. He erects pul-
sating musical structures, based on stand-
ard and original material, that are not
outwardly attractive but contain much
that reaches for the listener’s thoughts and
emotions. Petrucciani has made a marvel-
ous beginning
.

When a great recording, such as David
Alllyn Sings Jerome Kern: Sure Thing (Discov-
ery), reappears, it is reason for celebra-
tion. One of the landmark romantic-ballad
albums of the late Fifties, Sure Thing is
much more than a pleasant memory; it
lives and breathes and grabs the heart. A
relatively unheralded talent who deserves
much better, Allyn is helped on his way by
consonant, beautifully supportive back-
grounds, arranged and conducted by
Johnny Mandel, and by ten quality Kern
songs. In essence, Sure Thing is as nearly
perfect as it gets.

The two British writer/rockers who
formed the seminal group Squeeze and
then broke it up, seemingly out of ennui,
have salvaged its best traits for Difford &
Tilbrook (A & М). Chris and Glenn have
once again put together some sexy har-
monies, clever lyrics and pretty melodies
similar to their Squeeze work. But the
complete package here has a jazzy sound
that puts one in mind of Steely Dan,
though it is by no means unoriginal.

Multiple streams of popular music

mingle and a variety of colors blend on
living in the Crest of а Wave (Elektra/

[—— TRUST US ——

HOT

X / Wild Thing (EP)

Hugh Masekela / Techno-Bush

The Smiths

Lee Ritenour / Banded Together
Bachelor Party (music from the film)

NOT

Taco / Let's Face the Music

5 mg. "tar". 0.4 mg. nicotine av, per cigarette. FIC Repon FEB. ‘84

pee
=

VANTAGE.
THE TASTE OF SUCCESS.

SIPS Se
WEERUGAS OSs

Great Taste
with Ultra Low Tar
That's Success! VA

LOUD. LOUDER. LOUDEST DEPARTMENT: If you saw the comedy This Is Spinal Tap, you'll
remember one of the funniest scenes, in which a member of the band explains to the
documentary crew why they play so loud: They have an amp that can be crarked up to
11. Does life imitate art? You bet! Ted Nugent has announced that he's hard at work on
the Penetrator Amp, which will hit 12. Says Ted, "When you're not using it for rock "n' roll,
you can rent it out for heavy-duty demolition." This will not be music for the fainthearted.

HEY SAY THE NEON LIGHTS ARE BRIGHT
IN BAGHDAD: Iraq has launched a
new battle in its propaganda war
against Iran. The weapon? Michael
Jackson singing Blame It on the Boogie.
In an effort to sway public opinion,
Iraq is beaming music and TV pro-
grams to Iranian viewers, reminding
them of what life was like before the
Ayatollah. Is there anyone in the world
who doesn’t know about Michael?
NEWSBREAKS: We want you to know
about a nifty publication, Music Vid-
eos: Playings Hard to Get, a catalog of
the largest selection of music videos at
the best prices. To get the catalog,
write to Playings Hard to Get, 376
South Oakland Avenue, Box 50493,
Pasadena, California 91105. . . . Sting
and Stephen Bishop have recorded a
duet called Leaving the Hall Lights
On ... Forever. . . . Look for the
new David Bowie album any time
now. ... Jeff Beck is touring with Rod
Stewart for the first time since the late
Sixties. Hall & Octes have earned
more gold and platinum records than
any other duo since the Recording
Industry Association of America began
counting in 1958. . . . News from Jim-
my Buffett includes a country album, a
concert tour, some acting jobs, possible
TV commercials and the film of Mar-
garitaville. . . . Music mavens Stephen
Holden and Harold Goldberg are doing a
music-video-review pilot, similar to
Sneak Previews, for PBS. They hope to
have rock people and guest critics
review records and tape previews on
location as records and videos are being
made. If it flies, it will be regular pro-
graming in January. . . . Calling mu-
sic-video production the TV industry's
equivalent of a sweatshop, the Screen

Actors Guild and the American Feder-
ation of Television and Radio Artists
have joined forces and Jaunched a cam-
paign to get contracts for their mem-
bers who appear in the videos. They
want to establish minimum-wage lev-
els, good working conditions and resid-
uals. If they're unsuccessful, ап
AE-T.R.A. executive says he'll ask the
organization's board to order members
not to work in music videos... . Are
you ready for Wendy О. Williams’ solo
album— produced by Gene
It's coming. . . . Also coming from the
same record company, Passport, is the
return of Dr. Buzzard's Savannah Band,
with Calling All Beatniks. . . . A play
about Sid Vicious ran in L.A. last spring
to rave reviews. Called Vicious, it cen-
tered not on the murder story but on
the effects of sex, drugs and success оп
people who can't handle them. Maybe
it will move eastward.

REELING AND ROCKING: Cheap Trick has
signed to write the sound track for the
movie Teachers, starring Ed Asner and
Nick Nolte. . .. And as if record produc-
ing weren't enough, Gene Simmons has
managed to break into the movies,
playing a bad guy opposite Tem Selleck
(yes, you're reading this right) in Run-
away, а new Michael Crichton film. . . .
"The Little River Band’s singer, John Farn-
ham, is doing the score for the Linda
Blair movie Savage Streets and will duet
with Raine Haynes on a Supremes hit in
Pia Zadora's creature feature.

RANDOM RUMORS: Duran огап" Simon
Le Bon says the band would like to play
оп the Great Wall in China. He says
they've made inquiries, but “a tour
over there is proving a bit difficult to
organize." You want difficult? Le Bon
also reportedly wants to play on the lip
of an active volcano. —BARBARA NELLIS

mons?

Musician). The debut album (as leader)
of tenor and soprano saxophonist Bill
Evans, a former member of the Miles
Davis group, it offers a truly contempo-
rary experience. Evans and his players,
notably pianist Mitch Foreman and
drummer Adam Nussbaum, and a battery
of synthesizers and electronic devices both
please and challenge the ear and create an
appetite for more. Evans’ primary talent is
for composition; he has a fine sense of mel-
ody and structure and the capacity 10 sur-
prise, Is this music jazz? Yes, for the most
part, but certainly not in the more tradi-
tional sense. Try Dawn (In Wisconsin
North Woods); it's a trip.
e.

If country pop you like, country pop
you get in Kathy Mattea (PolyGram), by а
West Virginia country girl who has final-
ly managed to get her foot in the Nashville
door with a sound that PolyGram hopes
will put her in the same ball game
as Emmylou, Ronstadt, Terri Gibbs and
Anne Murray. Her clean, rich voice has
just enough country inflection to make her
a contender for more than one chart, even
if this album doesn’t have any big sur-
prises.

Some people will say “politics” when
they hear Miami Steven Van Zandt’s Little
Steven: Voice of America (EMI)—but that’s
not all. This second LP by Springsteen’s
newly departed guitarist and his band,
The Disciples of Soul, is part passion,
too—ten songs of primal East Coast soul
rock, flinging themselves as a body block
in the path of the bombs-and-bucks bri-
gade. Every minute of this record is full of
the subversive idea that Joe Normal can
and should change things—hope and
courage form the heartbeat behind the
emotional melodies, the white-heat guitars
and the naked-heart lyrics. This is a polit-
ical record that makes the “issues” seem
personal. Obviously, Van Zandt sees the
spirit of great rock 'n' roll as a secret
weapon.

The 18-piece Bob Florence Limited
Edition, heard to great advantage on
Soaring (Bosco), plays vivid, modern,
highly pulsating scores with unusual pre-
cision and élan. An inventive composer-
arranger, Florence works in the tradition
of Bill Holman, Al Cohn and John Man-
del. Color and swing are the things. Excel-
lent drumming by Nick Ceroli, one of the
West Coast’s best, enhances all six Flor-
ence originals, making them terribly excit-
ing. This band and its corps of soloists can
sweep you away.

SHORT CUT

The Earl Scruggs Review / Super Jammin
(Columbia): The purity is long gone from
the Flatt & Scruggs sound that took blue-
grass out of the hills and into the city; but
this hybrid country-rock version has its
moments, even if it’s citified fer sure.
Many big-city guests.

® OFF/VOL push:BAL
О TRE push: BASS.

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Timberlands aren't made to
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They're made to look even better a
few years down the road.

Our handsewns are made with
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harlie Haas’s What Color Is Your Parody

(Price, Stern, Sloan) is one of the fun-
niest self-help books ever to cross our desk.
Here are some of Haas's suggestions for
job applicants: “Do not say, ‘Tm a con-
victed forger, I am scmilitcrate, I pour a
cup of Jack Daniel’s on my Product 19 to
start the day.’ Instead say, "I'm gifted in
graphics, I am not hung up on verbal con-
cepts, I have interesting recipe ideas.’ " He
also reminds women in the job market that
“only men can wear power plaids.” Who
knows? Maybe this is the help we've all
been waiting for.

Captain Morizio and Officer Lake
want to know who murdered the British
ambassador. The White House and Her
Majesty’s government don’t. As part-time
detectives and full-time lovers (that’s Sal-
vatore Morizio and Connie Lake), the cap-
tain and his officer discover a caviar- and
drug-smuggling underworld run by Irani-
an fugitives, Russian gourmands, CIA hit
men and a Danish entrepreneur. Murder on
Embassy Row (Arbor House) is another
delightful example of Margaret Truman's
keen observation of the town she used to
call home.

Harry Harrison's West of Eden (Ban-
tam) is an epic science fantasy in the
tradition of The Clan of the Cave Bear,
with a significant difference: It reflects the
influence of various experts in the “hard
sciences.” Earth is inhabited by the
Yilané, a species of intelligent, civilized
reptile with an incredibly sophisticated
capability to manipulate DNA. The biolo-
gy and the complicated language of the
lizard people are derived from hypotheses
of what would have happened if the dino-
saur had evolved. With the coming of the
ice age, the Yilané encounter Tanu, pre-
historic man, and the inevitable battle for
the planet is waged. Great escape reading.

Jayne Anne Phillips might have chosen
the title Ordinary People for her novel
Machine Dreams (Dutton) if it hadn’t al-
ready been taken. Phillips tells the story of
Jean and Mitch and their children, Dan-
ner and Billy. A soldier’s stint in the
Pacific, a less-than-happy marriage, an
arrest for drugs and a departure for Viet-
nam all figure in the story of these ordi-
nary people. But this is no ordinary novel.
The characters are so real, the scenes are
so vivid and the story is so compelling that
it must be deemed extraordinary

You may wonder whether three authors
for one bock isn't an example of editorial
overkill, but I. M. Destler, Leslie H. Gelb
and Anthony Lake seem to speak with one
voice in Our Own Worst Enemy (Simon &
Schuster). Essentially ап examination of

Eden: The serpent had kinfolks.

It's all here: mystery,
parody, fantasy, politics,
music and even Popeye.

| x
Let's hear it for the Unsung Heroes.

the breakdown of the making of U.S.
foreign policy since World War Two, this
moderate study traces the growth of a pro-
fessional elite (think tanks, Congressional
staffers, the press, et al.) and the decline of
sensible policy formulation. We have
courtiers, not advisors, it is argued with
good evidence; and to make matters worse,
the courtiers sway with the political wind:
“Моге than a century ago, Lord Palmer-
ston set forth his famous dictum that Brit-
ain had no permanent allies or enemies,
only permanent interests. . . . But serious
nations do not redefine their national
interests every few years, as we have been

doing for most of the last two decades," the
authors write. If you've been going crazy
trying to figure out who our friends and
what our goals are, read this book. You're
Not crazy; the system is.

The story of rock ’n’ roll is probably
best told on records, but Nick Tosches
takes a good shot at rock's early history in
Unsung Heroes of Rock ‘n’ Roll (Scribner’s), a
biographical anthology of those obscure
trashers of traditional popular music who
preceded Elvis the Pelvis. Some were black
and some were white, Tosches says, but
they had one thing in common—they liked
Cadillacs. Their art was born while they
walked the line between breaking with tra-
dition and breaking even, and therein lies
the tale. This is a quick, entertaining read
that’s chock-full of gossip about people
you've never heard of. But then, we'll bet
you can't name the members of Quiet Riot,
and they've sold more than 4,000,000
records since last year.

“Deterrence had been presented as a
sort of trailer that mankind would live in
while the permanent home of a full politi-
cal resolution of the nuclear predicament
was being constructed. But what hap-
pened as the years passed was that the
trailer was built up and elaborated, while
the home went unstarted.” In his tightly
written and closely reasoned The Abolition
(Knopf), Jonathan Schell attempts to
extend the discussion he began in his best-
selling The Fate of the Earth. Unfortu-
nately, this time he has given us a work
that is probably a little too dense and spe-
cialized for the general readership. And
we've heard most of it before.

BOOK BAG

The Complete E. C. Segar Popeye: Volume
One (Fantagraphics): Re-creates the origi-
nal Thirties comic strip. Fifty years later,
the lovable sailor man and his cohorts are
still “excrushkiatingly” funny.

Surfing (Workman), by Leonard Lueras
If this isn’t the best book on surfing, we'll
eat our skeg. In intelligent prose accompa-
nied by beautiful photographs and art-
work, Lueras covers the world of surfing
with a knowledgeable touch that shows his
many years in Hawaii have not been spent
in vain.

Razzle-Dazzle (Dial), by Phil Patton: In
the breathless style of N.F.L. Films, the
author traces the courtship and marriage
of television and pro football. It’s an inter-
esting story, and Patton’s point—that if the
Partners weren’t exactly made for each
other, the N.F.L. was made by and for
TV—is legitimate. But Razzle-Dazzle, in
treating its subjects almost with awe,
inflates the importance of both. Five yards
for unnecessary reverence.

By BRUCE WILLIAMSON

pikector John Huston’s rather murky
movie based on Malcolm Lowry’s stylish,
complex novel Under the Volano (Univer-
sal Classics) is distinguished mainly for a
magnificent all-stops-out performance by
Albert Finney. As The Consul, a drunken
ex-diplomat during the final day or so of
his fateful journey to self-destruction, Fin-
ney finds the quick sting of truth in every
cliché. As his former wife, loyal except for
one crucial act of infidelity, breath-taking
Jacqueline Bisset matches him with a sen-
sitive portrayal that may be her best work
ever. Considerably less compelling, Eng-
land’s Anthony Andrews doesn’t enjoy
equal opportunities as the hero’s potent
but opaque half brother. Opacity is a
major problem here, since neither Huston
nor Guy Gallo, author of the screenplay,
provides any helpful clues as to what
gnaws at these disenchanted English
people going to hell in Mexico on the eve
of World War Two. They are psychologi-
cal kin to those walking-wounded expa-
triates who shamble through the works of
Hemingway and Fitzgerald. But déjà vu
is not the essence of screen drama. Huston
reportedly dreamed for decades of making
this film. Sad to say, his Volcano fizzles,
parücularly toward the end, coming up
empty except for picturesque. Mexican
vistas (photographed by Gabriel Figue-
roa) and the superstar sparks creatcd by
Bisset and Finney. УУ?
.

A New Jersey lad moves with his mom
10 sunny California, where all those brut-
ish blond beach boys kick sand in his face.
They laugh because he's weak and skinny.
But a pretty girl (Elisabeth Shue) appre-
ciates his sensitivity. Then he meets an old
Japanese master of martial arts, and The
Karate Kid (Columbia) is on his way to
triumph. In the title role, young Ralph
Macchio has boyish appeal and vulnera-
bility to burn, and his scenes with Nori-
yuki “Pat” Morita, as the crotchety karate
master, may remind you of Rocky and his
cantankerous old trainer. It'll be a wonder
if they don’t, since Karate Kid was di-
rected by Rocky’s own John G. Avildsen,
with another up-and-at-'em musical score
by Bill Conti to give underdogs every-
where an emotional lift. Kid is predict-
able, all right, but a crowd pleaser packed
with zest, warmth and high spirits. УУЖ

After the inspired chaos of its opening
sequence, set in a Shanghai night club
back in 1935, Indiana Jones and the Temple
ef Doom (Paramount) proceeds to further
adventures so hair-raising that it looks for
a while as if the sequel may surpass the
original Raiders of the Lost Ark. Well, uh,
not quite. The charm, wit and inventive
boyish cxuberance of Raiders disappear

Volcanic action from Jackie Bisset, Anthony Andrews and Albert Finney.

Finney turns in another
fabulous performance; a karate
Rocky, and an overdone Doom.

Macchio, Morita Kid around.

almost immediately when Harrison Ford,
ever-ready in the title role, arrives at the
Temple of Doom to confront hordes of
faceless villains who specialize in grisly
bloodletting and fiery human sacrifices.
Young fry at the screening I attended were
recoiling in horror, and for good reason.
Director Steven Spielberg has his foot to
the floor board throughout, and since
nobody does it better, /ndiana Jones is
a cerüfied fast-and-furious blockbuster.
Still, with teeth clenched against the cre-
scendos of John Williams’ musical score, 1
found myself a shade less willing to be
swept away by the movie's relentless
momentum. The love interest generated
by Karen Allen in Raiders totally over-
shadows the conventional blonde bimbo

played here by Kate Capshaw as a night-
club singer who has little to do beyond
screaming or shrieking “Oh, my Gawwd!”
And a kid actor named Ke Huy Quan, as
the waif who is Indiana’s side-kick on his
save-the-children mission to an evil em-
pire, doesn’t quite captivate us.

All in all, it’s an intrinsic loss of inno-
cence that takes the edge off Indiana
Jones. To see men as hugely talented as
Spielberg and George Lucas (who con-
cocted the story) performing below their
peak is a disappointment, even though
their second best virtually guarantees
more headlong thrills and spills than all
the rides at Disneyland. What they did for
the love of countless rip-roaring old
movies in Raiders they now seem to have
recycled and overdone for astronomical
estimated profits. Great fun, sure, and a
can't-miss box-office bonanza—but not up
there with the classics. ¥¥¥

As a long shot beating the odds to
become a world-class champion, Phar Lap.
(Fox) is a winner in every way. Made in
Australia, this provocative real-life drama
re-creates the story of three men and a
horse—a phenomenal nag born in New
Zealand of questionable stock, bought for
a pittance and destined to become a
beloved symbol of the will to win for
working-class Australians during the De-
pression era. The form and content of
race-track tales is fairly standard, but
Phar Lap (the horse's name came from a
Thai word for lightning) compensates for
familiarity with emotional intensity and
probing character study, plus intrigues
and dangers up to, and including, at-
tempted murder. Ron Leibman as the
cynical owner, Martin Vaughan as the
stubborn trainer and Tom Burlinson as
the stableboy whose patience and tender-
ness pay off in an unprecedented string of

PLAYBOY

victories are all fne—and Burlinson, an
especially sensitive young actor, could well
prove a challenger to Mel Gibson as Aus-
tralia’s next best bet for stardom. ¥¥¥

Elegant Sigourney Weaver turns into а
demon-possessed dog and a she-devil dur-
ing Ghostbusters (Columbia), one of the
cheekier current comedies. Harold Ramis
and Dan Aykroyd wrote the screenplay as
if to send up every occult suspense drama
from The Exorcist to Poltergeist. It’s all
about some ancient, evil Sumerian gods
who threaten to take over the West Side of
Manhattan and Lord knows what else
unless they can be stopped by Ramis,
Aykroyd and Bill Murray, as an inept trio
of parapsychologists. Coolly appraising
Murray, Weaver observes, “You don’t act
like a scientist; you're more like a game-
show host.” That's before she's possessed,
soon after the light in her refrigerator has
begun to glow dangerously. Producer-
director Ivan Reitman (producer of Na-
tional Lampoon’s Animal House, then
director of Meatballs and Stripes) uses
sumptuous special effects without taking
them seriously for a moment. If you don’t
believe Ghostbusters makes New York a
manic summer festival, wait till the Stay
Puft marshmallow monster is revealed
attacking a high-rise. ¥¥¥

Among the silly season's happy sur-
prises is Finders Keepers (Warner), a bona
fide sleeper directed by Richard Lester.
The inventive caper afoot has to do with
$5,000,000 stashed in a coffin aboard a
cross-country train. To complement the
verbal and physical tomfoolery, there's an
appealingly quirky passenger list. Mi-
chael O'Keefe scores high as an apprentice
con man (Louis Gossett, Jr., plays his
mentor) who's in flight from a women’s
roller-derby team he once mismanaged. So
does David Wayne, as the world's oldest
railroad conductor. The big scene stealer,
though, is sexy Beverly D'Angelo, as an
eccentric actress with "the mind of a ma-
niac and the mouth of a longshoreman,”
who's on her way to Denver to have a
nervous breakdown. Guided by Lester,
who after a slow start is seldom asleep at
the switch, these madcaps prove that
screwball comedy is amazingly alive and
well in 1984. УУУ

Despite his infallible Midas touch, the
law of diminishing returns may have
begun to catch up with moviedom's whiz
kid Steven Spielberg. He's billed as an
executive producer of Gremlins (Warner),
a clever but sadistic shocker directed by
Joe Dante from a hackwork screenplay
credited (so help me) to Chris Columbus.
Movies chock-full of cynical references to
other movies—including Spielberg’s own
in this case—grow wearisome after a
while. Some critical hypesters have hailed
Gremlins as myth and allegory. It would
be more accurately described as a grue-

Weaver, Rick Moranis enliven Ghostbusters.

Summer fun lingers with
Ghostbusters, Gremlins and
Star Trek's latest voyage.

All aboard for another Enterprising voyage.

some sick joke, turning the charm of E.T.
(also, pointedly, everything from The Wiz-
ard of Oz to Snow White) inside out to re-
veal the dark side of such juvenile fantasies.

Gremlins, of course, were the imagi-
nary goblins that World War Two fight-

er pilots believed could do inexplicable
mischief to planes. Here, they’re simply
fuzzy, adorable little pets that change into
clawing, red-eyed demons if mishandled.
Wreaking havoc on an Andy Hardy-ish
American town—on Christmas Eve, yct,
to the distant accompaniment of Silent
Night—is the primary business of Grem-
lins. Here's another PG chamber of hor-
rors that gives hardened tykes a chance to
see the little devils burned, chopped, elec-
trocuted or mashed to a pulp, all in the
spirit of fun. More terrors from Santa
Spielberg’s toyshop. Give Gremlins a high
mark for amazing technical proficiency,
though the movie reminded me of a Mup-
pet Show recycled for an audience of hom-
icidal maniacs. ¥¥

If forced to choose, I'll pick The Muppets
Take Manhattan (Tri-Star) over Gremlins
any day. Muppetmaster Jim Henson’s
latest is essentially а Judy Garland-Mick-
ey Rooney musical, with Miss Piggy and
Kermit doing everything you'd expect
them to do when they graduate from col-
lege and try to get their variety show on
Broadway. Liza Minnelli, Dabney Cole-
man, Joan Rivers and a host of stars
appear, as usual, to support their efforts.
Mild, sure, but far superior to those kiddie
entertainments зо bloody that even Daddy
wakes up screaming. YX%

Mr. Spock himself—that is, Leonard
Nimoy, please note—admirably directed
Star Trek Ш: The Search for Spock (Para-
mount), and only a sourpuss would frown
upon this family reunion with Admiral
Kirk and all the old gang. Once more with
feeling is the theme as we learn that Spock
has risen from the dead on the planet Gen-
esis. The first Star Trek motion picture
emphasized hardware over humanity
While Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan
may have had somewhat greater dramatic
impact, Search for Spock is spectacular,
sentimental and no doubt absolutely sat-
isfying to faithful Trekkies. Those of us
who aren’t fanatic devotees of the original
TV series can still relax and enjoy such
high-minded space-age yarn spinning.
Just let yourself go while they prepare to
hammer out Star Trek IV. ¥¥¥

The dialog in Streets of Fire (Universal)
is cryptic, to say the least, and sounds as if
director Walter Hill or his co-author,
Larry Gross, had scribbled it down during
coffee breaks. Words of one syllable are all
they require for Streets, subtitled “A
Rock & Roll Fable." I'd call it a deafen-
ing Dolby roar from the MTV school of
cinema—all music, motorcycles, sex and
violence. Diane Lane and Michael Paré
head the hot-blooded young cast. She’s the
rock star who's kidnaped by а gang; he's
the lone urban cowboy who comes to res-
cue her for auld lang syne. Set in a name-
less city (looks like Chicago, where the
shooting started) at an unspecified time,

Simulated TV Picture

e 4

JVC'S LATEST BREAKTHROUGH IN VI
IS AUDIO.

Listen to this.

Introducing the Hi-Fi VHS system from JVC—
а video deck that not only gives you a picture of
astounding clarity, but also sound of such high fidelity
that itsurpasses even the most advanced analog
systems.

JVC set out to develop a revolutionary recording
process that would give listeners the feeling of being in

HR-D725U.

alive performance. And do it without affecting picture
quality.

We designed a way to record the audio portion
deep into the tape’s magnetic coating. Then, the video

signal is recorded on a shallower level. JVC's Hi-Fi
VHS has a frequency response of 20-20,000 Hz and a
dynamic range of more than 80 dB.

When played through your speakers, the resulting
sound represents a true quantum leap in audio
performance. It's a lot more than a VCR stereo system.
It can actually enhance the quality of your current audio
equipment.

The Hi-Fi VHS system is perhaps the most
complete video deck JVC has ever made. Beyond the
audio advances, its video capabilities are also highly
evolved. You will enjoy time shift viewing, one touch
immediate recording and a collection of special effects.

When you see it, you won't believe your ears.

PLAYBOY

Streets is a shallow, citified Western with
rock in its head. Recommended only if you
have an uncontrollable yearning to see the
pictures that go with the album. ¥

An extraordinary gut-wringing per-
formance by Ingrid Thulin is probably the
best reason to sce After the Rehearsal (Tri-
umph). Thulin weeps, rages and shivers
the timbers as the elder of two actresses
(Lena Olin is the up-and-coming ingénue)
involved in a searching onstage dialog
with a famous Swedish director (Erland
Josephson) who's nearly as celebrated for
bedding his leading ladies as for mounting
theatrical milestones. This compelling
psychodrama, set in an empty theater, has
unmistakable autobiographical overtones.
The director, in case you haven’t guessed,
is Ingmar Bergman, not actually reneging
on his vow that the Oscar-winning Fanny
& Alexander would be his last major film
Rehearsal was originally produced for
Swedish television, to be commercially
released over here as a rare, rather special
treat for Bergman fans, who always hun-
ger for more. YY%

Hitherto known mainly for "spaghetti
Westerns,” Italian director Sergio Leone
has come up with a nonkosher plate of
pasta called Once upon a Time in America.
(Ladd/Warner). It’s all about some Jew-
ish mafiosi and how they grew—with
Robert De Niro, James Woods, Joc Pesci,
Burt Young, Treat Williams, Tuesday
Weld and Elizabeth McGovern. Well
over two hours long, the movie was con-
siderably longer before distributors recut
it over Leone’s protests. De Niro drifts
through this mishap as if he were half
asleep, perhaps because he has nodded
over the screenplay (Leone and five col-
laborators adapted it from a novel called
The Hoods). More likely, he turns somno-
lent because he remembers having once
appeared in a gangland classic called The
Godfather Part II. But everyone's acting is
pretty dull, which at least keeps the tone
consistent. Trash without flash, expen-
sively produced and worth nary a nickel.
Leone’s original version couldn't have
been worse. ¥

One of the powers that be behind Beat
Street (Orion) is singer Harry Belafonte,
coproducing still another movie made to
order for М ТУ—а scary trend signaled
by Flashdance, Footloose and Streets of
Fire. The disposable, paper-thin plot has
a shelf of about five minutes tops, but
the break dancing, rap singing and graffiti
painting are superb as a simple-minded
sound-and-light show for street people.
Rae Dawn Chong, Guy Davis, Jon Char-
diet and Robert Taylor (a pint-sized
break-dancing prodigy discovered on a
South Bronx playground) head the youth-
ful cast. Although their musical rituals are
loud, monotonous and not especially well
photographed, their message is affirma-

De Niro and gang can't save America.

Leone’s spaghetti loses its
sauce; the break-dancing craze
continues in Beat Street.

Dancin’ to the Beat on the Street.

tive—set in a slumscape fantasyland
where rumbles have been replaced by
dance competitions. ¥¥
E

Lance Guest in the title role of The
Lost Starfighter (Universal), Robert Pres-
ton as an unscrupulous alien recruiting
mercenaries for space wars and Dan
O'Herlihy as an outer-galactic navigator
named Grig are the mainstays of a pleas-
antly surprising s-f spoof. In the crisp
tongue-in-check dialog supplied by fledg-
ling screenplay author Jonathan Betuel,
Guest describes Grig as “a gung-ho igua-
na.” The story is muddled a bit, moving
from a modern trailer park to outer space
and back again when our hero's mastery
of a Starfighter video game brings а talent
scout named Centauri (Preston) beaming
down to Earth. Centa wisecracks
(“You can bet your asteroids,” etc.) set the
tone for a refreshingly irreverent grade-B
space epic. УЖ?

MOVIE SCORE CARD

capsule close-ups of current films
by bruce williamson

After the Rehearsal (See review) Berg-
man on Bergman. yy%
All of Me Reincarnation made ribald by
Steve Martin and Lily Tomlin. ¥¥¥%
A Nos Amours French family life, seen
through a glass très darkly vv
Another Country Boy meets boy in an
upper-crust British prep school. ¥¥%
Beat Street (Sce review) Can't stop the
music to start the movie. vv
Finders Keepers (See review) Screwball
comedy back on the track. vvv

Ghostbusters (Scc review) Madcap ex- |

orcists making it in N.Y.C. vvv
Gremlins (See review) E.T. turns
gnome, courtesy of Spielberg & Co. YY
Greystoke: The Legend of Tarzan, Lord of
the Apes Elegant monkey business.¥¥¥
Hardbodies Youth, sex and sociology,
Southern California style.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of m:
(Sce review) Raiders it ain't. ¥¥¥
kezumi Tattooed lady in Kyoto—a to-

tally authentic skin flick. yy%
The Karate Kid (Sec review) A Rocky
reprise for half-pints. ууй

The Last Starfighter (See review) ОК
spoof of far bigger space epics. ¥¥%
liquid Sky Brightened by a heavenly
body named Anne Carlisle. vy
A Love in Germany Hanna Schygulla as
a Frau too fond of fraternizing. УУУ
Moscow on the Hudson All hail Robin
Williams—from Russia with love. ¥¥¥
The Muppets Take Manhattan (See re-
view) Miss Piggy and Kermit do a

show. yy%
The Natural Redford at bat in a mid-
dling baseball drama. yy

Once upon a Time in America (See re-
view) Bring back The Godfather. ¥
Phor lap (See review) Life and times of
a famous Aussie race horse. vvv
Romancing the Stone High adventure,
with Kathleen Turner as a lady novel-
ist reliving all her lurid books. ¥¥¥
Sahara Sand, a sheik and Shields. УУ
Sixteen Candles Happy birthday to
youth. Surprisingly fresh. yy%
Splash A memorable mermaid (Daryl
Hannah) in Gotham. yyy
Star Trek Ill: The Search for Spock (Sce
review) Enterprising. yyy
Streets of Fire (See review) Just catch
the act on MTV. у
Suburbia Punks vs. rednecks in a minor
street-smart social drama. vv
Sugar Cane Alley Rites of passage in
Martinique. vvv
Swann in Love Proust semipetrified,
with Jeremy Irons, Ornella Muti. YY
Under the Volcano (See review) Finney
and Bisset sometimes ignite it. УУ

¥¥¥¥ Don't miss
¥¥¥ Good show

YY Worth a look
Y Forget it

COMING ATTRACTIONS

By JOHN BLUMENTHAL

IDOL GOSSIP: Harrison Ford will team up
with Tom Conti's Reuben, Reuben heart-
throb, Kelly McGillis, in Paramount's Wiz-
ness. Directed by Australian Peter (The
Year of Living Dangerously) Weir, the flick
is a contemporary action romance involv-
ing a relationship between an Amish girl
and a tough Philadelphia cop forced to
hide out at her farm during a murder
investigation. Filming will take place in
Philadelphia and in the heart of Amish
country: Lancaster, Pennsylvania.
There will be a sequel to and possibly a
third installment of the box-office smash
hit Police Academy. Meanwhile, two of
the writers of the original are developing a
project called The Kids on the Hill, a com-
edy about Senate pages, and Police Acade-
my co-writer /director Hugh Wilson will be
making a comedy Western called Rustler’s
Rhapsody. Sissy Spacek will play the
lead in Warner Bros.’ Strawberry, about a
country girl who goes to the big city to
make it as a comedienne.
5

FALLING IN LOVE AGAIN? November will
see the release of Paramount's Falling in
Love, а classy project about a couple of
suburban commuters who have an affair.
105 classy because it teams Meryl Streep
and Robert De Niro for the first time since
The Deer Hunter and because it was writ-
ten by Pulitzer Prize-winning playwright
Michael (The Shadow Box) Cristofer and
because it’s directed by Ulu (True Confes-
sions) Grosberd. Billed as a “comedy-dra-
ma-love story” (Hollywood just can’t do
anything without hyphens anymore),
Falling т Love is lighter in tone than any-
thing cither Streep or De Niro has done
before. The two lovebirds meet while
Christmas shopping at Rizzoli and carry
on mainly at Grand Central Station and
оп the commuter train to Westchester.

BODY HEAT REVISITED: New World
Pictures! Crimes of Passion marks the
directorial return of the inimitable Ken
Russell, who hasn’t made a film since
1980's Altered States. Starring Kathleen
(Romancing the Stone) Turner, Anthony
Perkins, Bruce (Willard) Davison, Annie
(Heartaches) Potts and relative newcomer
John Laughlin, Crimes is mainly about sex-
ual power games and the violence that
they can lead to. Laughlin plays an ex-
high school football coach stuck in a stale
marriage to his high school sweetheart
(Potts). In need of money, he does some
part-time detective work that ultimately
leads him to a bewitching and beautiful
fashion designer named China Blue
(Turner). Sexual passion erupts as the
two are irresistibly drawn to cach other.
Meanwhile, hanging around in a menac-
ing fashion is Anthony Perkins, a sexually

Nothing funny about the part Bill Murray (with Theresa Russell, above) plays in Columbia's
forthcoming remake of The Razor's Edge, W. Somerset Maugham’s novel about one man's
search for wisdom in the decade following World War One. Murray and Russell inhabit the roles
played by Tyrone Power and Anne Baxter in the 1946 film version. Below, Gary Busey dem-
onstrates how Alabama's immortal coach Раш Bryant earned his nickname in a scene from Em-
bassy's September release The Bear, co-starring the late D'Urville Martin and Jon-Erik Hexum.

———

tormented martial-arts expert who's got a
bad case of the hots for our leading lady.
Naturally, all hell breaks loose. Sct for а
mid-October release, Crimes of Passion
sounds a bit like Body Heat on the surface,
but the Russell style could easily dash any
such comparisons.
.

TRADING PLACES WITH EASY MONEY:
Hollywood seems to have just rediscovered
one of the oldest plot devices in the book—
the old down-and-out-guy-who-inherits-
big-bucks-with-strings-attached routine
Heck, it worked for Trading Places and
Easy Money, so why shouldn't it bring in

the box-office receipts for Universal’s
Brewster’s Millions? Starring Richard Pryor
and John Candy, this particular variation
on an old theme (screen versions of Brew-
ster’s Millions date back as far as Fatty
Arbuckle, though the 1945 model starring
Dennis O'Keefe is the most recent one)
has Pryor playing a down-on-his-luck
baseball player who stands to inher-
it 8300,000,000 from a great-uncle if
he can waste $30,000,000 in 30 days.
Sounds casy enough—all he has to do is
back a movie just like this one

í N f
, /
LIGHTS: 11 mg. "tar", 0.7 mg. nicotine, LIGHTS 100's: 12 mg. "tar",
10 mg. nicotine, av. per cigarette by FTC method.

Ич Pac

Mi a ү, С WC D
Ur. Se
ж; AN

j Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health. — [P$

TEQUILAS& WOW!

Tequila & Tonic. Tequila & Grapefruit.
Refreshingly new from The Club'Bar

By ASA BABER

THE FUNDAMENTAL questions for most men
center somewhere in here: What are we
supposed to do with our wildness? How
can we control it? Where do we put it?
Why does it seem that a cosmic joke has
been played on us, giving us incredible
energy and then placing us in a society
that demands obedience?

We may not admit it, but we ask such
questions of ourselves frequently. Without
much help from others, and with an
inborn sense of guilt about the craziness
that rests on the horizon of our male men-
tality, we struggle to tame ourselves, to fit
in, to calm down. Then a joke is played
again. If we become too calm, we feel vul-
nerable, useless. At that point, we try to
speed úp, amused by the way our energies
never seem to be rationed correctly.

A case can be made that the rationing of
energy is a male preoccupation. We think
as much about it on a daily basis as we do
about anything. We spend energy reck-
lessly, hoard it, search for it, run from it.
There is an energy meter ticking inside us
at all times. We have been known to do
desperate things, to twist ourselves into
pretzeled shapes, to pay that meter.

Given all of this, is it any wonder that
for most of us the drug experience is
familiar? There live very few men with
souls so dead who never to themselves
have said, “I think I'll have a hit.”

Drugs are introduced to most of us at an
early age, usually on a dare or a lark.
They are often one of the first of life's big
decisions. That's not so bad, by the way—
not if you swim and don't sink. I have to
admit I enjoyed my delinquent childhood.
No one had much control over me. 1 had
learned to forge my mother's handwriting
(my good buddy Louie taught me that; we
worked with tracing paper until 1 got it
right), so whenever I missed a few days of
school, I would write an excuse for myself
and hand it in, My father rarely talked to
me about my report card. My mother was
simply puzzled: “Ace, it says here you
missed 45 out of 60 days. Can that be
right?”

“Yeah, Mon, I really wasn’t feeling too
good, remember? I was sick a lot.”

Louie was a couple of years older than
I, a big Italian-American kid with an
intense interest in the street. He and I did
it all: We knew every entrance to the
movie theaters, how to sneak into Comis-
key Park, which bars had the best blues
bands and allowed youngsters to stand in
the door and listen. We knew which cops
enforced curfew and which ones were on
the take. We knew the cigarstand that
fronted for the 24-hour poker game/book-
ie joint/numbers wheel.

Louie and 1 were also experts on getting
stoned, whether on airplane glue or reefer

pw
PURPLE-HAZE DAYS

“I remember my first
pipe of opium as її
it were yesterday.”

(that's what we called grass then). Many
were the days we rolled through Chicago's
South Side in a gentle purple haze that I
hoped would last forever (but that never
did).

It never occurred to me that I was doing
anything particularly wrong. I was lucky.
I was growing up in an inner-city envi-
ronment that accepted drugs as a part of
life. Few people got hysterical about the
situation.

Maybe one reason for that was the
nature of street life. Unlike suburbia,
the South Side made its excessive drug use
evident to all of us. There was a shooting
gallery in the building across the alley.
The people who O.D.'d on heroin did it
right there—and we watched their bodies
being carried out the next day. The junkie
оп the corner was not some cliché figure
our parents warned us against. He was
someone we knew, spoke to, lived with.

In short, drugs were as much a part of
life as air and water. They were neither
gods nor devils. They just were. We expe-
rienced them and educated one another
about them.

Probably my best stoned moment came
оп what was supposed to be a day of reck-
oning. My mother had figured out that 1
was spending much more time on 47th
Street than I was in school, and so over my
protests she sent me into the office of the
headmaster of the only private school in
that territory.

I knew in my heart that I did not belong

in that school. The headmaster, having
taken one look at me and my leather jack-
et, knew in his heart that I did not belong
there, cither, so he proceeded to give me an
improvised entrance exam. It was a fix, as
they say, a setup. I knew it and so did he.
"What's 3467 times 9589?” he asked. No
paper or pencil was offered. I asked for
none.

“Let’s see,” I said, pretending to ponder
huge sums in my mind.

“Come on, come on,” he said. He was
shuffling papers, not looking at me, being
brusque.

Slowly, in a ceremony of my own mak-
ing, 1 pulled a joint out of my jacket pock-
et, lit it, took a hit, held it, smiled at his
astounded face and said, “It’s whatever
you want it to be, man. Whatever you
want it to be.”

l paid my dues for that gesture; but
later, when I told Louie, he got a good
laugh out of it. We were setting pins in the
bowling alley at the time, which was how
we got our money in the first place.

I chased the purple haze for some years,
off and on. I used whatever I could find,
and I confess that some substances seemed
strangely beautiful to me—for a while. I
remember my first pipe of opium as if it
were yesterday: the taste of earth and
crushed violets, the ease of reverie, the
slim girl heating the dope over the flame,
the sound of tropical rain on the roof.
There are times even now when I miss
it—I wouldn't mind a pipe or two in a
traffic jam— but there is never a time I
think it will solve my struggles with my
own energies. Like all ex-dopers, I have
finally come face to face with the fact that
addiction is a cover, not a solution.

And, like all ex-dopers, I know some-
thing else: Everybody's addicted to some-
thing at one time or another in his life.

The dangerous people are the ones
who can’t admit it.

WOMEN

By CYNTHIA HEIMEL

1SEE SALLY only every so often. She lives
seven hours away, in the mountains of
Pennsylvania. But I am heartbroken at
what’s happened to her.

Last year, when she was ten, Sally
squeaked. She hung around my neck
and squeaked, “Oh, Cynthia, I love you
so” or she dribbled a softball out into left
field and squeaked, “А triple! I can do it”
or she decided to make a cake, put in way
too much baking powder and squeaked,
“Ооо, isn’t that pretty!” as the batter cas-
caded through the oven.

I recently visited Sally and her family,
and it’s pitiful. Sally is squeakless. She
pouts. She acts coy. She wears make-up.
She wheedles. When she doesn’t get what
she wants, she looks pained and sick,
instead of emitting one of those mega-
squeaks of yesteryear.

Pained! I hate it when people look
pained, especially 11-year-olds, who are
too young to be offered a Valium.

Pained means *Do something for me;
you're hurting me; it's all your fault 'm
unhappy.” My mother has been known to
practice this pained look on me; her moth-
er would practice it on her. Sally’s pained
look is all too familiar.

"She's just a little girl,” my friend Jane
told me. “You know how obnoxious all
little girls get during that special pubes-
cent period. They giggle, they whisper
secrets, they compete with everyone mad-
ly, they become devious.”

“Well, doesn’t that suck?” I said. “I
mean, doesn’t that suck incredibly? This is
how little girls pass through the portals to
womanhood?”

“They can't help themselves," Jane
decided. “A few months ago, Sally was
going to a party and wanted a new dress.
She had her eye on this frilly pink number
and asked her mother for it. Mom said,
‘Ask your father.’ Sally asked Dad, Dad
didn’t pay attention until she got all cute
and pouty. Then she got her dress."

“Incredible,” I said.

“Not at all,” said Jane. “Goes on all the
time. It’s so easy for manipulation to
become a way of life.”

The patterns of childhood often stay
with us well past their usefulness. Recent-
ly, hired my friend Hilary to sit in my
apartment while new windows were being
put in. She showed up in the morning, all
cheerful and bright. When I phoned dur-
ing the day, she told me what a wonderful
time she was having, how it was much
better than being at her own apartment.
When I got home, I reached for my wal-
Tet.

“АП Гуе got is $20,” I said. “Is that

THE MANIPULATION
BLUES

“We burst into tears
and act weak and
helpless and make people
feel sorry for us.”

enough, or shall I write you a check for the
rest?”

“No, no, that’s fine; that’s great,” she
said.

Two days later, Robert, a mutual
friend, called me.

“Hilary’s upset,” he said uneasily.

“Huh?” I said.

"She thinks you ripped her off,” he
said. "After all, a whole day's work for 20
bucks."

“But she said that was enough!”

“Tt wasn’t.”

“Why didn’t she tell me?”

“She told Sarah.”

Sarah is his wife. Wife told him, with
strict orders to tell me. He felt stupid and
uncomfortable.

1 felt guilty, then furious. Manipula-
tion. I had been set up! Why didn't Hilary
say, "My time is worth more than $20;
give me a check for another 30"? Or some-
thing. Why couldn't she tell me directly,
instead of telling Sarah to tell Robert to
tell me and thus fashioning an incredible
web of confusion?

So you know what I did? Nothing.
Nada. Zip.

I was afraid to confront Hilary. I

didn't want to have a fight with her. I
thought that maybe, in some subtle way
I couldn't even see, І was wrong. I tried to
phone her, but I got this choking feeling in
my throat. T just couldn't bring myself to
take direct action. Neither could she. We
haven't spoken since.

Men, as a race, are manipulative, too,
but I find them less ornate. A friend tells
me that every time she got angry and
screamed at her husband, he'd say, “Hey,
honey, let's go out to a really nice restau-
rant and have dinner.” This is clumsy,
straightforward manipulation.

Women are generally more artful, often
verging on the neurotic. Not long ago, I
fell in love, and a dear friend of mine
arranged to meet my lover and me for
lunch. She also arranged for her ex-hus-
band to drop by. And one of her boy-

riends. Then another of her boyfriends.
She cuddled with them all and threw my
lover conspiratorial glances.

І was thoroughly incensed. “What is
this?” I said to her later. “You had to
prove to the love of my life how desirable
you are?”

“Of course not,” she said. “I wouldn't
do that to you. 1 just wanted him to see
that I wasn’t available.”

I call that psycho. Maybe I just need a
new passel of friends, but I think manipu-
lative behavior is widespread among
women. I personally blame societal pres-
sures.

"Traditionally, little boys are allowed to
fight. If somebody steals little Johnny’s
lunch, he beans the perpetrator in the
nose. If he wants something, he acts.

Liule girls, like my poor Sally, are
taught to deflect. If somebody steals a little
girl’s lunch, she tells the teacher. The
teacher gets her lunch back for her.

By the time we're pubescent, we've
learned that straightforward behavior gets
us nowhere. And yet we want things just
as fervently as boys do. So we learn to go
the long way around. We flirt with Dad-
dy; we tell the teacher. We burst into tears
and act weak and helpless and make
people feel sorry for us.

Women are taught to be passive, to be
insecure, to crave protection. That is why
we are so “intuitive.” It becomes impera-
tive for us to read people properly. If we
know what makes them tick, we'll be able
to figure out how to get them to give us
that raise or that diamond. I mean, we
couldn’t just overpower them and take it.
Could we?

Goddamn! Maybe we could! What El

a novel notion!

4 out of 5 Sony car

stereo owners
would go down the
same road again.

It seems there is one road that most Sony owners would gladly travel again.
The road to a Sony car stereo

Ina recent survey, an overwhelming majority of Sony car stereo owners contacted
gave Sony the ultimate testimonial. They said they would be more than willing to
buy a Sony again’ As one Sony owner, Ronald Dokken of Minneapolis, Minnesota, vol-
unteered, "When there's a car stereo that sounds as good and works as well as a
Sony, why would you want another one?”

In fact, most Sony car stereo owners when asked went so far as to say that they
would keep their car stereos longer than they'd keep their cars. Or, in the words of
Valerie Roussel of New Orleans, Louisiana: “My car was in the shop for a few weeks.

I missed my car stereo a lot more than my саг” And Mark Share of Tempe, Arizona,
added, "I have two cars and two kinds of car stereos. I find myself driving the car with
the better sounding one—the Sony.”

Which is not at all surprising, considering the fact that Sony car stereos are
not just engineered to perform reliably. They are also engineered to deliver bril-
liant high-fidelity stereo sound. Because they take advantage of the same experience
and innovative technology that goes into Sony's home stereos.

So if you're in the market for a car stereo, it makes sense to go down the same
road that 4 out of 8 Sony owners would travel SONY.

Buy the Sony. THE ONE AND ONLY.

AGAINST THE WIND

By CRAIG VETTER

1 HAVE A NEW WATCH that's black, flat,
square, watertight to 25 fathoms, and it
beeps and flashes and has about 12 func-
tions, including a stop watch, which is
what I bought it for. It’s Japanese, of
course; it cost me about $40; and though
T've worn it every day since I bought it, I
don’t like it much. For one thing, it’s digi-
tal, which means it’s never half past or
quarter to in my life anymore. Instead, it’s
1132... 16-17-18-19, as if I needed the informa-
tion the way the lead oarsman in a racing
shell needs it. And instead of sweeping
around a fixed point, the way the planet
sweeps around the sun, the minutes sort of
mince down an infinite line, which forces
you to think about time the way a forgot-
ten writer thought about life when he
described it as just one damned thing after
another. Гуе always liked to think of time
as a circle. After all, the old sweep watch
face gives you all 12 hours right there, so
you can look forward or back without
doing any math. On the digital display,
when a moment’s gone, it’s gone, without
so much as an “Excuse me” to the past or
the future.

But I could forgive all that. What I
really don't like about my new watch is
the pretense of perfection it carries. Space-
age accuracy and all that, which means
that every time I spot one of its digital
cousins on a bank or a television screen, I
get to wondering which one of us is off,
even though I don’t care a damn or don’t
want to, anyway.

Life for me is comfortable only when it
admits a certain offness, a phrase that
didn’t have anything to do with watches or
time when it first struck me. It had to do
with a girl’s face, the sister of a friend, a
beautiful girl with dark eyes and dark hair
and a big, quick smile. In fact, she was
perfectly beautiful, except that she had a
delicate crook in the bridge of her nose
that sat in the middle of all that prettiness,
as if an artist had laid it in by accident and
then left it there because of the stunning
focus it lent to what otherwise would have
been just another very lovely face. As it
was, that small off-angle drove me crazy,
got into my dreams even, and to this day 1
have never seen a face that I would rather
have just stared at. It’s gone now, though,
damn it. She reached 16 at a time and in a
suburb that valued a certain sameness

A CERTAIN
OFFNESS

“She was perfectly beautiful,
except that she had a delicate
crook in the bridge of her позе...
as if an artist had laid it in by
accident and then left it there.”

above almost everything else, and so she
delivered herself into the hands of a plastic
surgeon who gave her a nice little cheer-
leader's nose that looked as if it had been
designed with calipers and French curve,
and the first time I saw it, I got angry, and
then just sad. I still count it as one of those
signal moments in which I realized for
sure that it’s our imperfections that mark
us cach for who we are and make us inter-
esting for the difference.

I remember trying to persuade my high
school and college teachers of that. I might
as well have thrown rocks at the sun to
keep it from setting. They were Jesuits, a
military-style order of priests who, if they
had been barbers instead of teachers,
would have cut off your head to correct a
cowlick. They had a rule that anything
you wrote for them—anything—that had
more than three errors of punctuation,
grammar or spelling was an F paper, and
that would have included The Great Gats-
by if they'd seen it in manuscript. I was
and am a particularly bad speller and I'm
not real good with the rest of the fittings of
the language, and the Jesuits lashed and
pounded and failed me over that fact until

I thought I was going to have to kill one of
them to get breathing room.

Finally, one of my English professors
took me aside and said, “You know, to
write as well as you do and then to muck it
up with your mechanics is like showing up
at a formal dance in the nicest tuxedo in
town, with grease and filth in your hair.”
Actually, I liked the image. But he also
warned me that there was a small march-
ing army of people out there who couldn’t
do anything but spell and punctuate and
that if I didn't tighten up my form, they
were going to hold me down all my life.
Well, he was wrong about that, and
though I’m not arguing sloppiness for
sloppiness’ sake here, I still believe that
writing and spelling draw on two very dif-
ferent skills that exist in the same head
only by wild coincidence. I finally took to
having a good friend proofread my papers,
and he did a hell of a job. He was a math
major.

These days, of course, if you have a
computer, you can buy a program that
will root through your prose like an angry
Jesuit, throwing out typos and spelling
errors until it delivers something quite a
bit closer to perfection than most human
beings can produce. For me, there’s some-
thing bogus and flat and irritating about
those robot manuscripts. I don’t trust per-
fection, and I don’t think most of us do. It
isn’t natural, it doesn’t invite us in the way
rumpled things do, and, if you think about
it, we seem to have an instinct that mis-
trusts the exact.

Take the story of how Mount Everest
was discovered to be the highest mountain
in the world. In 1852, a survey team of
Indians and British took readings from six
points that triangulated into a height of
29,000 feet. On the dot. When they
handed their measurement to Sir Andrew
Waugh, the head of the team, he decided
no one was going to believe that nature
would make its highest mountain exactly
anything, so he added a couple of feet and
made the official figure 29,002. It turned
out his impulse was right. In 1955, more
sophisticated methods found the mother of
mountains to be 29,028 feet, and it may be
that everybody learned a lesson from that
first survey, because the 15th edition of the
Encyclopaedia Britannica lists the eleva-
tion of Mount Everest this way: “29,028
feet (plus or minus a fraction).”

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THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR

Wilt hanging upside down from a grav-
version bar make for longer erec-
tions?—J. D., Pocatello, Idaho.

It depends on what part of your body
you hang from. There’s no proof that
inversion does anything for your sex life.
Well, not quite. It may take you longer to
find a position in which sex is even possi-
ble, let alone pleasurable. How about
going up on your partner?

Because 1 travel extensively in Europe,
1 was alarmed to hear that credit-card
companies use different exchange rates
when converting customers’ bills to dol-
lars. How do I know whether or not the
credit card I’m using will give me the best
rate?— SS. D., Dallas, Texas.

Credit-card companies may use differ-
ent conversion rates, but generally they try
to get the best conversion rates for the par-
ticular day that they receive your charges,
which is not necessarily the same day you
made them. Then they add a surcharge for
the conversion. The time discrepancies
and the different foreign banks the compa-
nies themselves have to deal with make
precise checking of rates on unstable cur-
rencies difficult. If you think you've been
overcharged, you can ask for an audit. But,
frankly, for a few thousand Barfesian
pukas (give or take a рика), we'd trust to
the natural balance of competition.

Wy is it so damned necessary to ver-
balize a request to some women in order to
participate in sexual activity, while others
consider (1) time, place and circumstances
the nod of approval, (2) the acceptance of
a first or second date grounds for approval
or (3) a kiss and the silent permission to
explore manually the act of compliance?
My early training many years ago was
“Never, ever, ask! You can tell if the sig-
nals are present.” However, I found out in
several recent situations that you must ask
or the door to sexual liberty is tightly
closed. Now, this may sound really dumb,
but in asking, whom do you ask, when do
you ask, how do you go about asking,
what do you ask and why must you really
ask? Because I did not ask or pursue a
conversation about sex, I was charged
with not understanding the person(s) and
with not being on the same wave length,
but I did not know that the person(s) could
have been or should have been asked.
How do you go about sensing this silent
invitation from a person you might be per-
ceiving through somewhat different eyes?
This is really a tough problem for me, but
it seems to separate the men from the
boys—and for such a long time 1 had
thought that I was really a man, but now 1
am finding out that I am missing out.—

L. T. T., Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

Sex isn't going to happen unless there is
a feeling in the air, but the vibe isn’t
enough. You have to ask. The request can
range from the subtle “I suppose a blow
Job is out of the question" to the obvious
"Are you planning on spending the
night?” to the cryptic “Гое consulted my
astrological chart and the conditions to-
night are perfect for the Chinese basket
trick.” Nonverbal sex can lead to misun-
derstanding and even violence. You might
be inclined to view your partner's resist-
ance as part of the foreplay, when, in fact,
it's resistance. Always give her a chance to
speak her mind. The most beautiful word
in the language is a simple yes.

For the past ten years, I've been involved
in а very successful career that, if the truth
were known, I shouldn’t have gotten into
in the first place. In a way, I was pushed
into it and forgot about what 1 really
wanted to do. Га like to change careers,
but I worry about what that will say about
me as a person. I don't want to be branded
as ungrateful or a malcontent. I also wor-
ry about starting at the bottom in some-
thing I’m not familiar with. Is it possible
to change careers when you've spent so
much time establishing yourself? —M. P.,
Detroit, Michigan.

Ideally, you should enjoy your work—
or, at least, most of it. And there's no
reason to suspect that you won't be as suc-
cessful and a lot happier in a different
career. If that happens, you won't be
branded as anything but a winner. So we
say go for it. And, by the way, you’re not
starting at the bottom; you have ten years’
experience under your belt. The expertise
you've gained in different areas in thai

time could very well translate into an
advantage in a new profession.

ll get right to the point. I'm a 19-year-
old male, quite handsome and not very
lucky at getting any pussy. I’m very shy,
and the only times ГЇЇ ever get any are
when the girl comes on to me. But that is
beside the point. I’m still going to school
and my grades are only just passing. In the
earlier years of my schooling, 1 had very
good grades. The only change 1 can think
of is the amount of masturbation I engage
in. For the past year, it has been the high-
light of each night of every week. I read an
article in a magazine about excessive mas-
turbation's causing acne. I let up on it for
а week and noticed that most of my acne
disappeared, and my concentration in all
of my classes went back up to where it had
been. My grades went up as if I had a new
set of batteries for my thinker. I was
amazed. My curiosity got the best of me,
so I relieved my horniness once and, sure
enough, my concentration was completely
shot the next day. I couldn't keep my mind
on anything. The following day was just
as good as the other days when I had not
masturbated. What kind of connection can
you make between excessive masturbating
and thinking, concentrating and other
mental abilities? I will greatly appreciate
any information you can give me on the
subject.—R. L. Y., Endicott, New York.

Balzac once said that sex interfered with
creativity—something to the effect that he
had fucked away a good novel the night
before. Are you trying to suggest that
masturbation can do in a term paper?
Nonsense. We've noticed a disquieting
tendency for college students to put off sex
of all kinds until after graduation. They
view it аз а distraction, something that will
keep them from securing the career of thetr
choice. Are you guys out of your minds? If
you are distracted by sex now, imagine
what it will be like when you're in the real
world, trying to hold down a job. College is
the time to learn to deal with sex, starting
with masturbation. Jerking off is a great
way to get your heart started in the morn-
ing. It’s а proven means of dealing with
anxiety. Keep that in mind at mid-term.
Probably, you are spending too much time
worrying about masturbation and not
enough time doing it. Plan your week. Set
aside five minutes here and there (prefera-
bly between classes, not during). Then go
Jor broke and ask a girl for a date. Then
ask her for sex. It’s a vicious process, but
it's the only one you have.

BBecause of the fitness craze, I have tried
dutifully to get up in the morning to run
several miles at least twice a week. Some-

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times I make it and sometimes I don’t, but
I never enjoy it. Is it possible that some
people just aren't cut out for physical
exercise? Maybe it's in my genes; my par-
ents never exercised, either.—M. O.,
Houston, Texas.

It’s time to let you in on a little secret.
The Playboy Advisor has a 45-inch chest,
can bench-press 275 pounds and do 200
sit-ups without breaking a sweat. He used
1o jog, but it got boring. He plays tennis
badly but skis well. He likes every bit of it.
As for you, if you feel faint just reading
about this stuff, we suggest you forget your
exercise program and go to a movie.

We'd also like to note thai there is sur-
prisingly little valid scientific evidence
about the health value of exercise. The
right aerobics and stretches seem to
be good for your bones, joints and endur-
ance, but most exercise has more to do with
health jears than with health. We'd guess
that nine out of ten male joggers are out
there to prevent heart attacks. If you're
worried about cardiac arrest, your doctor
can tell you whether or not you fit a high-
risk profile. If you don’t, give your mind
and knees a break and stop running. If you
are at risk, then you'd do well to find some-
thing that you can do three or four times a
week—exercise bicycling, rowing, break
dancing—that will raise your pulse for
about 20 minutes at a time. Do it in a park
or a gym where there are good-looking
women in leotards doing the same stuff you
are. Believe us, it’s a lot less painful when
the aesthetics are right. By the way, this
letter was prepared by the Playboy Advi-
sor’s advisor. The Advisor himself was at
the gym.

WV have a secretary ten years my senior (I
am 32) to whom I am very attracted. We
are both married. We have worked to-
gether for about nine years. During that
time, we have had a good working rela-
tionship and have had many lunches and
drinks together. On a couple of rare occa.
sions, I have kissed her, which she didn't
seem to mind, and, in fact, she recipro-
cated, but not at all passionately—more
the way you would kiss a friend. That is
as far as things have ever gone. Just
recently, during a business lunch, I made
a rather awkward attempt to reveal my
feelings toward her in hopes we could
broaden our relationship romantically. In
a very nice way, she rejected my advances,
saying we had worked together too long to
get involved and also that she felt she was
too old for me. She concluded by saying
she just wanted to remain friends. As you
can imagine, I felt like an adolescent who
has a crush on his English teacher: very
humiliated.

I was puzzled, however, that among her
reasons for turning me down, our mar-
riages were never mentioned by her. The
following day, 1 told her privately at the

office that I felt 1 owed her an apology for
my forwardness. She told me no apology
was necessary and that she hadn’t given
the incident another thought. Several days
later, again over cocktails, I made yet
another attempt to explain my feelings
toward her, also explaining how foolish I
felt about the previous attempt, as I felt Га
come across like a love-struck juvenile.
She told me I had taken her by surprise,
and although she was flattered, again she
said we had known each other too long to
get involved.

I am now wondering if I should just
give up my pursuit, which I do not want to
do, or if there is an approach I have over-
looked that may be more successful. 1 am
afraid that anything further I try may
damage the relationship we now have. I
would greatly appreciate any advice you
could give me as soon as ible. This is
bothering me.—D. D., Chicago, Illinois.

Your secretary is trying to do both of you
а big favor, and you should listen to her.
She is attempting to avoid hurting at least
four people (and more, if children are
involved). You have made your approach
and have been politely turned down, and
we think that no matter how difficult it
may be for you, you should let it go at that.
Any further pressure on your part—
regardless of how subtle—could only make
things worse. Unless you want to lose a
secretary, you'll have to fight whatever it is
you feel for this woman and concentrate
instead on what may be missing in your
own marriage. Good luck

В bought a slightly used FM tuner at a
really low price, but now I’m a bit wor-
ried. The set has two tuning meters and,
on several stations, I cannot tune in so as
to get both meters to agree. One meter is
supposed to show a center reading, and
the other a maximum swing to the right.
Is the set a bummer or what?—R. P.,
Glenwood, Illinois.

With FM, as with other things, big
swingers are not necessarily always on
center of channel. The meter that swings
to the right is supposed to indicate the
maximum signal strength being picked up
by the tuner. The swing could indicate
transmission noise or “ghosts” caused by
multipath interference. The center-of-
channel meter actually shows when you
have tuned in a station accurately, Ideally,
the two should agree, but do not expect to
get maximum swings to the right on all
stations. If you have to choose, go for center
of channel, even when it means giving up
a little signal strength. If you have to give
up a lot of signal strength on a lot of sta-
tions in order to get a center-of-channel
reading, chances are you need a better
antenna. Better could mean stronger or
more directional or both. And it probably
would not hurt to have the set checked out
Jer correct alignment.

Bam а 36-year-old never-married bache-
lor with a problem. My girlfriend of two
years is pregnant and insists on having the
baby against my wishes. Since the preg-
nancy is four months down the road, the
chances of an abortion are becoming
increasingly slight. I like this woman but
have no desire to get married, as І am
happy with my current lifestyle. It has me
working more than 80 hours a week run-
ning two businesses | own and enjoy
seeing grow, which is one reason I don't
think I would be a particularly good hus-
band or father at the moment. In the two
years I have known this woman, 1 have
raised my voice to her only once, about a
year ago, when she suggested that having
a child out of wedlock (not mentioning
me) was an attractive idea to her. She is
the possessor of a strong maternal instinct,
which is primarily what has led to this
problem for me. When she suggested the
idea, I told her I thought it pretty darn
irresponsible and unfair to the child just to
fulfill some desire of hers.

I think that because she is nearing her
35th birthday and has never been married,
she is concerned that if she doesn’t have a
child soon, she may not be able to have one
or the chances of its having Down's syn-
drome will increase significantly. She is an
attractive woman who is becoming tired of
her job and wants to be home with a kid, 1
feel certain. If I wanted to get married, she
is the kind of person I would want to mar-
ry. But, unfortunately, 1 don’t particularly
want to be married now. Given my lack of
control in this situation, my primary goal
at this point is to behave like a gentleman,
even though I think her behavior is ill
advised and morally (if not legally) obli-
gates me to child support for 18 years, not
to mention all the other obligations of par-
enthood, which I take seriously. What
would you advise a gentleman to do, given
the fact that he opposes the entire
thing?— J. R., Anchorage, Alaska.

The first requirement of being a gentle-
man is this: Wake up. Your "lack of
control" in this matter is the same as par-
ticipation. Knowing her feelings, you
should have assumed responsibility for
birth control. We respect your right not to
be married, but you will have to decide
now what your altitude toward the child
will be. Visit a doctor to see if you are,
indeed, its father. Visit a lawyer to see
what legal responsibilities you may or may
not have. You are free to exceed them.

All reasonable questions—from fashion,
food and drink, stereo and sports cars to dating
problems, taste and etiquelle—uall be person-
ally answered if the writer includes a stamped,
self-addressed envelope. Send all letters to The
Playboy Advisor, Playboy Building, 919 N.
Michigan Avenue, Chicago, Illinois 60611.
The most provocative, pertinent queries
wall be presented on these pages each month.

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DEAR PLAYMATES

How many times have you heard some-
one say "It's not what you say, it's how
you say it"? Well, that's true at the office
but even more true in a relationship. We
asked our Playmate advisors about sexual
communication—the verbal kind.

The question for the month:

How important to your sex life is
talking about sex?

W have to be open about sex; it's very
important. Just screwing is not enough.
Sex is a total thing: touching, kissing, mas-
saging, talking. That's what love is all
about. My boy-
friend and I
talk about it
before sex and
get aroused.
Then we talk
during sex;
there is no
silence. And
afterward, we'll
talk about what
we did and how
we liked it.
Sometimes we
will laugh about it. It’s fun, after all. And
it feels good and the talk is positive rein-
forcement for each of us.

BARBARA EDWARDS
SEPTEMBER 1983

Й. depends on how long I've known him.
At first, it's hard to talk about sex, because
you don’t know what he wants and he
doesn’t know
what you want. i
In my sexual у &
encounters, 1
usually know
the man pretty
well, and then
I can ask him
what he wants.
I'm a very hon-
est person, and
I feel that a lot
of things can be
said so as not to
hurt the other person. I do want to please
him and please myself, too, and if you
don’t have sexual information about each
other, then that’s going to be hard to do.

Ly ape Још

ALANA SOARES,
MARCH 1983

Ninety percent of a good sex life is being
able to talk about sex. The other ten per-
cent is actually doing it. I think that a
good sexual conversation can get you
going; then, when you're having sex, you
can verbalize
what feels good
by moaning,
groaning and
whimpering.
Good com-
munication is
everything. I
have a good
friend—male—
who was talk-
ing to me about
his problems
with his girl-
friend. So I said, "Why don't you talk to
her? You're having an casy time talking to
me about it. Go talk to her.” And he s.

“We don't have that kind of relations!
Well, that’s not right. If you can't talk to
your lover freely, you shouldn't be having sex.

[
Homa Arsen

H
e _„/ MARLENE JANSSEN

e NOVEMBER 1982

Talking about sex is one of the biggest
turn-ons for me. If I talk to a man about it
and he talks to me, we're turning each
other on even before we're between the
sheets. We could talk over a glass of wine
or during dessert or over the dinner dishes.
It's also good to talk if you're having a
sexual prob- =

lem. I had a
man in my life
who really
liked having sex
only one way. I
finally had to
talk it out with
him, because I
wasn't getting
what I wanted.
First he tried to
ignore what I
was telling
him, then hc

to change, but it didn't
work out. He didn't want to get close to
me, and by not getting close, he closed the
door and the relationship dissolved.

f m
Ran ug Y In hala

LORRAINE MICHAELS
APRIL 1981

Wery important. In fact, I prefer talking
about sex before we even get to the bed.
I like talking about it over dinner if we
know (and people know) we're going to
hit it off. So I
like to get that
said, I want
that out front,
so when we get
to bed, it's al-
most like a
movie. I mean,
if we rehearse
the scene and
we know how it
goes, when it
comes time to
do it, we can do
it in one take, can’t we? It’s worked that
way for me. And men I have been with re-
member these things about me years later,
and I remember their preferences, too. I
sec it as a willingness to give, so the talk is
a big bonus to the sex I will have, and a
turn-on.

Art

Em finding it more important as I get
older and have more relationships with
men. In the past, 1 never complained; I
always did exactly what I thought the man
wanted me to do. Then I got bored if it
wasn't what I

wanted, too.

Now I know

that if Pm not

fulfilled,

won't be stay-

ing in the re-

lationship very

long. So if I

want things to

work out, Pm

going to talk

about sex and

tell him what I :
want, too. But you have to be careful of
how you say what you want so as not to
hurt his ego or insult him. I might show
him instead of telling him, and sometimes
he'll ask me, which is nice.

AZIZI JOHARI
(JUNE 1975

SUSIE SCOTT
MAY 1983

Send your questions to Dear Playmates,
Playboy Building, 919 North Michigan Ave-
nue, Chicago, Illinois 60611. We won't be
able to answer every question, but we'll try.

How to turna simple par
into a royal БЫШ 7

ít.

- O 1883 SEIGRAM DISTILLERS CO. NY BLENDED симай кү. 80 PROOF
nir! =:

THE PLAYBOY FORUM

a continuing dialog on contemporary issues between playboy and its readers

FEMTHINK?

Captain Frank Furillo has been doing a
total wimp act lately in compliance with
the dictates of contemporary femthink,
which for all its general insight fails to
resolve or even address the frustrations of
Frank's public-defender wife, Joyce
Davenport, whose chief problem seems
to be that even the most intelligent,
kindhearted, sensitive and supportive hus-
band—in this extraordinary case, a thor-
oughly admirable cop—cannot fulfill her
emotional needs or provide adequate com-
pensation for her self-perceived inadequa-
cies, which we must assume derive from
the historical subjugation of women that
dates back to caveperson days. The bottom
line, as I see it, is that men these days are
in a completely no-win situation.

John Bosies
Los Angeles, California

It’s not often we're privileged to hear
from a reader who not only is a serious fan
of “Hill Street Blues” but who can pack so
much analysis into one sentence. Make
that two sentences, counting the short one
at the end.

FLY CATCHING
Thanks! “Zipper Peril” (The Playboy
Forum, May) reminds me that it is now
springtime in the Rockies and the longies
will soon be coming off. Since I don’t wear
shorts, only metal-zippered jeans, 1 must
again be very careful.
Mark Gibberd
Fraser, Colorado

1 was fortunate enough to catch May's
Playboy Forum letter discussing a "zip-
perectomy,” and I could truly feel for the
man whose predicament required minor
surgery around his major parts. Ever since
the “hookless fastener” (the original name
for the zipper) came into play, operations
of the nature described by your cor-
respondent have been a daily occurrence
here in the U.S. There is, however, a more
modern and, indeed, safer approach to the
perils of fastening: our very own Velcro
material—today’s answer to the zipper.

Ever since we launched our Velcro fas-
teners in 1958, we have promoted the safe-
ty features of our product, which forms a
closure by engaging two tapes, one being
very fine, with soft woven hooks, the other
a mass of soft woven loops. Even the most
tender and supple parts of а man can't be
hurt when the tapes are engaged. As a
matter of fact, our tapes will even close
around any object, still fastening at the top.
and bottom of each side of the object or
projectile being covered. So, to those who

don't want to be "caught," we heartily
est having your flies closed with our
Velcro tapes. Our director of marketing
has suggested a new line of product for the
above application: namely, Vel-safe.

J. К. Mates, President

Velcro U.S.A., Inc.

Manchester, New Hampshire

If your product were on the general

retail market, we wouldn't stand still for
such an obvious plug. But we'll handle it
this time as a public service.

“Since I don’t wear
shorts, only metal-
zippered jeans, I must
again be very careful.”

P.A.P. TEST

I'm thinking of starting an operation
called Pagans Against Pornography
(P.A.P.). It will be nondenominational
and support reason and sensuality. What
it will oppose are modern merchandising
and bad taste. The portrayal of erotic sub-
ject matter is always stimulating, but por-
nography is a betrayal of the erotic. As
they say, we all know the difference when
we see it. The chief characteristics of por-
nography are that it is tasteless, repeti-
tious and militantly antisexual.

Women are not to be toyed with but
gratefully discovered, with admiration and
praise. Sensuality is too awesome a discov-
ery to be brutalized between the pages of
Hustler and its cohorts. Against the rancid
squalor of the predominating meat mar-
ket, the little bit of good PLAYBOY can do
seems like a veritable master stroke for
civilization.

I believe Anatole France once wrote
that the only sins are those committed
against beauty. That admittedly pagan
philosophy, or P.A.P. test, will be suffi-
cient to put the fiesh peddlers out of busi-
ness and restore us to dignity and reason.

Charles Fowler
Morris, Minnesota

The philosophical position of your Pa-
gans Against Pornography comes pretty
close to our own. Nobody’s ever quite
defined pornography to our satisfaction,
but for simplicity’s sake, we'll go with the
general view that it’s the ugly side of sex-
ually explicit material—the side that will
always flourish under conditions of censor-
ship, because the prospect of criminal
prosecution intimidates those who would
treat sexuality with the respect it de-
serves.

RIPPLE EFFECT
As the wife of an Indiana state trooper
and the daughter of а retired one, I took
much offense at the Мау Forum’s
"Playboy Casebook" report on the drug
raid in Broad Ripple. Agreed, there were
mistakes made— mistakes that should not
have been made. But these men are
human, and with human beings, mistakes
do occur. I suspect that if you investigated
every police department in the nation,
state and otherwise, you'd have a hard
time finding one devoid of mistakes. Indi-
ana has long been recognized as having
one of the finest state-police departments
in the country. Why sensationalize errors
when these men and women do so much
good daily? By belittling two members of
the department, you have belittled the
entire department. And I hardly think
that’s fair.
Diana Thornburg
Yorktown, Indiana
The first paragraph of our “Casebook”
feature concluded with the reminder—
which you may have missed—that the
Broad Ripple drug investigation was
simply an example of “the kind of bad
police work that saddles good police work
with the legal safeguards that serious law-
breakers rely on to stay in business.” That
was the main point of the report and is
now one of the issues raised in a lawsuit

PLAYBOY

brought by a member of the Indiana State
Police who feels he was made the scapegoat
in that bungled operation.

CLEAR THINKING

Thank God for such clear thinkers as
Richard H. Williams (The Playboy Fo-
rum, June). I get so frustrated with the
extremists from both the pro-life and the
pro-choice groups. It is comforting to
learn that there are others out there who
feel as I do on the issues of abortion and
contraceptives.

Wi s has hit the proverbial nail on
the head in suggesting that the key to those
issues is education. When will the public
and our elected officials realize that, try as
it might, the Government cannot legislate
morality? They would be better off spend-
ing their time and money on legislation for
better education with respect to the re-
sponsibilities that go with sexual activity.

Many thanks to Williams for taking the
time to share his views and ideas, and
thanks to you for publishing them.

Ginger S. Baldwin
Austin, Texas

I hope that someday, Dr. Horace
Naismith, your evidently fictional "great-
issues expert” and "consulting philoso-
pher," will undertake to examine the
seemingly consistent thought patterns of
people who are pro-death penalty, pro-
prayer in the schools, progun, procop, etc.,
and are commonly but incorrectly labeled
conservatives in comparison with those
who by either tradition or contrariness are
anti such things and are commonly, if also
incorrectly, labeled liberals. Such labels
clearly don't work anymore, if they ever
did, but there must be common factors that
ide opinionated people into those two
general categories. I place myself in a
third and, possibly, the largest category of
people: those rarely heard from (except,
Occasionally, in your estimable Playboy
Forum), who are ambivalent, uncertain
and puzzled by the barrage of rhetoric that
comes from both left and right and who
are also quite adequately represented in
your pages.

I might add that The Playboy Forum is

one of the magazine’s most valuable de-
partments in that it allows extremists of
all stripes to vent their frustrations and
cancel one another out while still afford-
ing space to such thoughtful and humane
letters as that from Richard H. Williams,
who brought some light instead of only
heat to the abortion controversy. More!
J. William Harrison IV
Seattle, Washington
The cartoon on this page seems to speak
to that very issue. However, the doctor says
that the basically differing thought patterns
you describe date back to primitive times,
when early societies divided on the issue of
whether screwing was good for the crops or
bad for the crops; and then did not bother
to explain how we are to apply our under-
standing of those thought patterns to the
authoritarian and libertarian personalities
who seem to occupy both extremes of the
political spectrum. Does that help?

DEPARTMENT OF AMPLIFICATION

I read with interest Steven J. J. Weis-
man's account of the love-triangle-
shooting case in Michigan (“Harmed and
Dangerous," The Playboy Forum, June).
While I lavish praise on his writing skills,
Weisman makes me queasy with his dan-
gling ambivalence. Does he maintain that,
in the face of two legal setbacks, Bob’s
lawsuit is viable? Or does he accept the
decision of the Michigan judiciary?

I was surprised that the author, an
attorney, lauded Bob's lawsuit as a "crea-
tive legal argument." It was not. It was,
more plausibly, the material culmination
of countless hours of manipulative think-
ing aimed at either getting revenge for his
injuries or capitalizing on the circum-
stances. I firmly believe the legal process is
an instrument to be used by persons seek-
ing justice, not revenge or windfall profits.
Was the Michigan panel’s ruling a result
of its members’ unanimous embarrass-
ment (as the “purple theory” would sug-
gest) or was it a result of their unanimity
in deciding not to lend legal credibility to
Bob’s mental maneuvering?

In return for presenting his Swiss
cheese-like lawsuit in court, our “crea-
tive” Bob should have been booked and

charged with the

ар ець.

class-A misde-
meanor of mind-
less reasoning.
Those of us with
even a dose of ra-
tionality know
that potential
physical harm is

J an inherent ingre-

Ко 9" = /
BUT CHERSHED ;

" dient in a majority
of love triangles.
Bob probably pos-
sesses the ability to
reason and knew
the score. Marsha
did not need to
\ warn him. Thus,

GON WRIGHT, "THE MIAMI NEWS,” TRIBUNE COMPANY SYNDICATE

Weisman's original "creative legal argu-
ment" (more accurately, Bob's lawsuit)
becomes a reeking piece of bullshit in-
tended to use the judicial process in taste-
less fashion.

Douglas A. Swafford

Sedalia, Missouri

You’re too much the literalist, sir. Weis-

man’s point was the very one you make by
way of sober argument—he just delivered
his version with tongue in cheek.

THE LAST WORD?

A friend has called my attention to The
Playboy Forum's December 1983 item
and various letters on circumcision. I
noted that no one reported the true reason
for circumcision, which any in-depth reli-
gious scholar should know.

To other animals, mature humans
stink. If you have an animal god (especial-
ly a reptile) that is smell-sensitive, then
such descenting methods as circumcision
and washing may be necessary. The
rituals for the Rainbow Serpent god of
Australia and for the Aztec god Huitzilo-
pochtli, for example, are interesting.
Hastings’ Encyclopedia of Religion and
Ethics has more insight on this:

Males were supposedly descented
by circumcision and foot washing. In
comparison, mature human females
were not easily descented and, thus,
were considered unclean and not al-
lowed near the animal god. That is
the basis of traditions which influence
our society even today. Young virgins
of both sexes were essentially odor-
free before sex hormones entered
their blood and, therefore, according
to some legends, could even be used to
feed the god.

Scent is the reason for circumcision.
Rex Schmidt
Mountain, Wisconsin
Our researcher says, “Some jerk ripped
this information out of the Chicago Public
Library volume,” so we'll just have to take
your word for it. If we're wrong, well, we'll
undoubtedly hear about it.

PORN FACTS

Last night, I attended а lecture/slide
presentation on violence and pornogra-
phy. I found it interesting and frightening,
though probably not in the way that the
lecturer intended. (She considered the
Venus de Milo pornographic!) I was par-
ticularly troubled by the use of many
untestable assertions—that “almost all"
adult-film directors are male, “most” men
find rape exciting, “many” porno ac-
tresses are coerced or are homeless run-
aways, etc. The lecturer did, however,
make a few statements that can be
checked.

She claimed that the child-pornography
industry had annual profits of 2.5 billion
dollars, fully half of the five-billion-dollar
annual profits of the pornography indus-
try as a whole. (The exact meaning of “the

FORUM NEWSFRONT

what's happening in the sexual and social arenas

GOD'S JURY INSTRUCTIONS

RICHMOND, ViRGINIA—A U.S. Court
of Appeals has reversed the convictions.
of two men charged with possession of
marijuana in a South Carolina Federal
district court. During the trial, the
judge, Solomon Blatt, jr., or а local
‘minister began proceedings each day by
leading the jurors in prayer, urging

them “to pass judgment as the Lord
will do.” They were further admon-
ished that “those of us who sin should
be wiped from the face of the earth.”
Defense counsel Joseph Nellis of Wash-
ington, D.C., was able to persuade the
appellate judges that evidence was one
thing but such divine guidance coming
Straight from the bench was carrying
things too far.

WAR OF THE SPERM BANKS

SAN DIEGO—A sperm bank operated
by the Oakland Feminist Women’s
Health Center has sued the Repository
Jor Germinal Choice in Escondido—the
so-called “Nobel scientists” sperm
bank—for slander. The $3,000,000 suit
steras from a 1983 article in Mother
Jones magazine that quoted an asso-
ciate of the Escondido sperm bank as
saying, "If they want defectives, they
can go to Oakland.”

DEATH IN A DISH

LONDON—A British anti-abortion
group has asked the Cambridge police
to consider prosecuting test-tube-baby
pioneer Dr. Robert Edwards for grow-
ing a human embryo in a plastic dish.
The organization complained to the
authorities that the scientist “deliber-
ately caused grievous bodily harm
to, and was lo some degree instrumen-
tal in causing the death of, this small

human being . . . by failing to allow
it to implant in its mother's womb. The
embryo was desperately and helplessly
trying to implant as nature in-
tended. ... We believe that an offense
under the Offenses Against the Persons
Act may have been committed.” The
embryo lived for 13 days before it
conked out.

WHY THEY CALL IT DOPE

DAYTONA BEACH—A 25-year-old
woman who paid what she considered a
bargain price of $150 for a pound of
marijuana stormed into the local police
station to complan when the dope
turned out to be seaweed. The law
could not be called upon to correct that
particular injustice, and one cop
quipped, “I guess she thinks we're her
collection agency.”

TRUE LOVE

Los ANGELES—In what may be the
first decision of its kind in the country,
the California Workers’ Compensation
Appeals Board has awarded death
benefits to the homosexual lover of a Los
Angeles County deputy district attor-
ney whose suicide was attributed to
job-related stress. Although the origi-
nal-hearing judge denied the claim in
1978, the board ruled that homosexual
couples must be treated the same as
unmarried heterosexual couples under
the California Supreme Court’s 1976
decision in the Lee Marvin palimony
case. It noted that while unmarried lov-
ers do not inherit automatically from
partners who die without leaving wills,
worker-compensation cases take into
account dependency.

KLAN ON THE MARCH

CHICKASAW, ALABAMA—A Ku Klux
Klansman who received help from a
black attorney in obtaining a Klan-
parade permit and who invited blacks
to join the march has been expelled from
his organization, accused of violating
the Klan constitution and misrepre-
senting himself as the Grand Dragon.

HIGH LIFESTYLE

VANCOUVER, WASHINGTON— Officials
of the local Alcoa plant are perturbed
that half of the 750 job applicants in а
three-month period were turned down
because they had flunked а drug test.
“We were amazed,” said the compa-
ny's personnel director. “We had no
idea it would be that high. I have to
believe drugs are accepted so much in
society that they are treated just as a

lifestyle." The screening involued а
urine test designed to indicate whether
or not drugs had been used unthin the
preceding two to three days. А substan-
tial percentage of the positive results
involved marijuana.

FOR YOUR TROUBLE

GREENVILLE, TEXAS—Lenell Geter, а
26-year-old black engineer finally ex-
onerated from armed-robbery charges
upon overwhelming evidence of his
innocence, walked away from his life
sentence, after spending 19 months in
prison, with at least one small con-
solation: A Kentucky Fred Chicken
restaurant that he had been accused of
holding up issued him a meal ticket
good for a lifetime supply of fried chick-
en. National publicity over the case
pressured authorities to release him,
offer him а new trial, then drop charges.

LUNACY

NEW YORK CITY—A computer study of
some 4000 mental patients conducted
over a period of 18 years seems to con-
firm that the severity of mental illness
can be affected by the motions of the sun
and the moon. Speaking at а sympo-
sium, Dr. Charles Mirabile of the Insti-
tute of Living in Hartford, Connecticut,
speculated, “Perhaps during the course

of evolution, the brain organized its
development around these geophysical
cues, and the systems responsive to
them are obliged to maintain an appro-
priate temporal order for effective func-
tion.” The fact that patients seemed
affected by the new moon as well as the
full moon, plus seasonal changes in the
length of the day, suggests that lunar
gravity plays а role, Dr. Mirabile said.

PLAYBOY

pornography industry” is unclear, as it
was throughout the lecture.) When chal-
lenged, she was unable to provide a source
for those figures.

She further claimed that in 1980, the
New York City Police Department seized
several “snuff films” made in Argentina in
which people were actually murdered.

riAYbov probably puts a good deal of
effort into examining sex and the “sex
industry” in America. I would appreciate
hearing your response to one or both of
the above assertions.

David Van Horn
Portland, Oregon
We published a report by Bruce Wil-
liamson on the original snuff-film flap in
June 1976 and found all the reports to be
false at that time. In response to your let-
ter, we checked with the N.Y.P.D., which
says it is “not aware of any authentic snuff
films seized or shown anywhere in the
U.S. in 1980 or at any time”; and a U.S.
Customs spokesman says that the fa-
mous “Argentine” film “turned out to be a
Hollywood-type production, made up of
Hollywood-type special effects” and—get
this—that the distributors of the film hired
people to protest it for the sake of drum-
ming up publicity. The figures for the
profits of the porn and kiddie-porn indus-
tries appear to be equally fanciful, insofar
as there isn’t any National Pornography
Trade Association keeping track of such
things—nor, for that matter, any generally
accepted definition of pornography.

VIVA LA REVOLUCION

For the information of the hard-core ill-
informed, Time recently devoted seven
wordy pages of print to addressing the
impending demise of the sexual revolu-
tion. I certainly hope you folks at PLAYBOY
are prepared to pick up the banner and
lead the crusade on. With or without you,
I will do battle in that good cause, for I am
in my sexual prime and would rather
make love than war.

Dwaine T. Gordon
Wyndmoor, Pennsylvania

Depending on what one expects to fol-
low in the wake of a “revolution,” we
thought the “revolt” stage had ended
quite a few years ago with a rejection of
some basic and most unhealthy puritanical
notions that had prevailed in American
society since its inception. That so-called
revolution had, predictably, its excesses;
the debate now seems to be about what
kind of wise and rational order can be
brought to the matter of sexual relation-
ships. So we'll just go Time one better and,
with typical journalistic oversimplifica-
tion, declare that America is now imper-
iled by a sexual counterrevolution. Take
that, you trend spotters—and see “Yikes
П: The New Peril” on page 13.

MOON GOES DOWN
I hail the United States Supreme Court
for its recent ruling concerning the Rever-

end Sun-Myung Moon and his Unifica-
tion Church’s tax-evasion case. It’s about
lime we started throwing those bogus-
Christian humbugs to the IRS lions that
stalk the rest of us.

I am doubly pleased to see that the
Court nailed this particular gentleman,
who has enjoyed tax-gratis status long
enough. Here is a man who appears to
make his living by brainwashing young
and troubled girls and boys. Instead of
pursuing an enriching education, they are
reduced to animated androids who spout
mindless babble at you in airports and on
the streets.

As if that weren't bad enough, he
funneled that money, which was supposed
to belong to the congregation, into a
$40,000,000 movie, Inchon, adequately
described as the biggest and most expen-
sive turkey since Heaven's Gate. Of
course, all of it was done tax-free.

“They offer

prayer cures

for everything from

corns to cancer.”

Let’s follow up the Supreme Court rul-
ing with a ten percent across-the-board
"access fee" to all those comrades of
Moon’s who use the public’s television sets
to generate income for their churches.
They offer prayer cures for everything
from corns to cancer—for a price. With
such a fee, we could balance the national
budget overnight.

"The justice system of this country is,
indeed, on the path to righteousness.

Jim Lorraine
‘Twin Falls, Idaho

The fact that many mainstream reli-
gious denominations and organizations
sided with Moon, supporting the right of
congregations to trust the discretion and
wisdom of their church hierarchies in all
financial matters, makes us wonder about
what goes on behind those closed ecclesias-
tical doors. Not that we suspect any fiscal
immorality, God knows.

MASTURBATION BY THE BOOK

I received a letter from Uncle Sam a
while back. It said I had yet another
opportunity to serve my country. Terrific!
As an Army infantryman in Vietnam, I'd
learned what every soldier learns: Follow
orders, stay alive and, most of all, never
volunteer for anything. Even so, I got
suckered into an Agent Orange testing
program.

I could handle the Bela Lugosi blood

samples and the writer's cramp from all

the paperwork, but there was one small
detail that nobody ever talks about—the
sperm sample.

I always thought there was a device.
You know, an electrical gadget of some
kind: You walk calmly into a private room
and another male does something with
that gadget and—zap!—it’s over.

It's not like that at all.

One day, a large padded manila enve-
lope arrived with explanations, forms,
instructions and a jar. The instructions for
collecting semen that came with the Day-
Glo-labeled jar warned against providing
a “low quality” sample and discussed
loose jar lids. Jesus H.! It was bad enough
flashing back to 1963, when I held a
Jayne Mansfield magazine spread in one
hand and my heart in the other, but now a
state commission was going to judge
whether or not I did it right.

Instruction number one told me to
refrain from sexual intercourse for three
days. Some 23-year-old bureaucrat must
have thought that was a big deal. I wish it
were.

The second instruction contained proce-
dures for masturbation. OK, folks, maybe
I'm no Tom Selleck, but I've had that one
down for years. But I read on, and it
appeared that the usual method might
produce the dreaded C-minus specimen,
yet enlisting female assistance was strictly
verboten.

Instruction three: “Collect the specimen
direcly into the container." I suppose
you'd call that aiming to please. Damn.
On go the lights and the eyeglasses.

And last but not least: *Do not collect
the specimen while showering where wa-
ter might dilute it" God knows we
wouldn't want that to happen—they
might make me do it all over again!

Since I am no longer 15, with the ad-
vantages of excessive fantasy and hormone
levels, I knew 1 needed some help—and
they hadn't ruled out a hot bath, candle-
light and some booze. Here's the formula:

* Calgon Bath Oil Beads from a night at
the Marriott (I always keep those little
soaps, too).

* A dash of baking soda, which a female
friend says softens the skin.

* A small candle on the edge of the tub.
and some wine to make me feel a little less
ridiculous.

It was a great idea, but I did have to
overcome some performance anxiety. I
gave it my best shot and, so far, they
haven't sent the jar back marked RE-
JECTED.

Rick Shoup
Austin, Texas

“The Playboy Forum" offers the opportu-
nity for an extended dialog between readers
and editors on contemporary issues. Address
all correspondence to The Playboy Forum,
Playboy Building, 919 North Michigan Ave-
nue, Chicago, Illinois 60611.

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PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: SHIRLEY MAC LAINE

a candid conversation about hollywood and the hereafter with the actress,
dancer, author and spiritual seeker in the prime of her life (or lives)

If it’s true, as is suggested, that your
entire life flashes before you when you die,
when Shirley MacLaine’s time comes,
she'll have to sit through a triple feature.

And that’s only for this lifetime: She will
readily admit there have been others.

However, her present incarnations as a
successful actress, dancer, writer, world
traveler, political activist, advocate of
world peace and spiritual believer have
managed to keep her pretty well occupied
Jor 50 years. Besides, MacLaine relishes
the rush of doing four or five things at once.
Аз she is fond of saying, “I do a better job
at each than if I concentrated on опе.”

The past two years are a good indica-
Lion. In 1983, she wrote her third book,
“Out on a Limb.” Filled with tales of clan-
destine love and metaphysical realization,
il quickly rose on the best-seller list. Al
press time, il was Bantam’s second-
largest-selling hardcover, nonfiction tome
and number one on the paperback list.

That was also the year she starred with
Debra Winger and Jack Nicholson in the
film version of Larry McMurtry’s novel of
mother/daughter angst and affection,
“Terms of Endearment,” and went on to
win the Oscar jor best actress.

On the heels of that, she starred on

“You do nat die; you just change form. You
are divine, as is everything. That’s one
reason we're so attracted to extraterres-
trials. I believe we've actually been there
in other incarnations.”

Broadway in а song-dance-and-talk show
that packed them in. And somewhere
within all that, she managed to travel lo
the Middle East to research her next book,
and to her Mount Rainier, Washington,
retreat, where she does her writing.

Apparently, MacLaine has been on the

go since soon after the day she was born,
April 24, 1934, to Ira О. and Kathlyn
Beaty, in Richmond, Virginia. Her father
was a real-estate agent, her mother a
sometime actress and teacher. In her first
book, “ ‘Don’t Fall Off the Mountain,’”
MacLaine describes them as “a clichê-
loving, middle-class Virginia family.
We were all Baptists and . we lived
according to what our neighbors thought,
and I guess they were living according lo
what we thought.”

MacLaine started ballet lessons at three
as therapy for her weak ankles. Dance
became her life. When the family moved lo
Arlington, Virginia, she attended the
area's finest dancing academy. After grad-
uating from high school, she headed for the
chorus lines of Broadway. There, during
an audition, she dropped her last name
and adopted a variation of her middle
name, MacLean. That lefi her younger
brother, Warren, to carry the family name,

“On my 49th birthday, I climbed а moun-
tain, meditated and projected forward to
1984.1 projected what would happen with
the movie and with my book. This year has
come to pass exactly as I projected it.”

though he soon added a T.

In New York, in 1952, MacLaine met
Steve Parker, a part-time actor, director
and aspiring producer. Although he was
older and in many ways her opposite, they
were married two years later.

MacLaine got the first of many fortui-
tous breaks in 1954, when, while under-
studying Carol Haney їп "The Pajama
Game," she was asked to step in when the
star broke an ankle. Before the night was
over, a new star had begun to shine. The
next evening, producer Hal Wallis caught
the show and quickly signed MacLaine to
a Hollywood contract. He lent her to
Alfred Hitchcock soon after for her first
film, “The Trouble with Harry."

Since then, MacLaine has compiled an
impressive body of work, including
“Around the World in 80 Days," “Some

Came Running,” “Can-Can,” “The
Apartment,” “The Children’s Hour,"
“My Geisha,” “Two {от the Seesaw,”

"Irma La Douce,” “Sweet Charity,” “The
Turning Point," “Being There” and
“Terms of Endearment.”

Here are a few other things she has
managed to do: have a daughter, Stephanie
Sachiko Parker, in 1956; establish a
unigue marital arrangement that allowed

PHOTOGRAPHY BY RON NESAROS

“I never really was а part of the Bel-Air
circuit. I listened lo a different drummer. 1
didn't know what a limo was, so Га drive
up for a movie premiere in my car, having
changed clothes in the back seat."

PLAYBOY

Parker to live and work in Japan (they
eventually divorced on good terms); be-
come a world traveler (Africa, Russia,
India, Japan, etc); visit China in 1973
and produce an Oscar-nominated docu-
mentary, “The Other Half of the Sky: A
China Memoir”; write three books; cam-
paign for Robert Е. Kennedy in 1968; be a
Democratic delegate from California in
that year’s ill-fated convention in Chicago;
star in an unsuccessful TV series, “Shir-
ley’ World,” in 1971; work for George
McGovern in 1972; return to the stage
with а full-on dance revue in 1974; sup-
port women’s rights and a variety of social
issues; date newsman Sander Vanocur,
wriler Pete Hamill, Australian opposi-
Hon-party leader Andrew Peacock and
Russian film director Andrei Mikhalkov-
Konchalousky, among others; cultivate
relationships with people as diverse as
Madam Chou En-lai, Indira Gandhi and
Bella Abzug; and publicly announce her
spiritual beliefs, which include reincarna-
tion, spirit guides and out-of-body experi-
ences. In the middle of all this activity that
passes for a normal life, we decided to see if
MacLaine could squeeze in Contributing
Editor David Rensin for a “Playboy Inter-
view.” She could. Rensin’s report:

“To say that God made Shirley Mac-
Laine and then broke the mold is, for once,
not a cliché. She is complex, shrewd,
brusque, spontaneous, sometimes curiously
off-putting, often humorous, instinctively
honest, intense, constantly questioning,
genuinely caring and very busy

“We met for a get-acquainted dinner at
La Scala, in Malibu. She had just come
from rehearsing her Las Vegas act and was
dressed in jeans, sweat shirt and leg
warmers. Her red hair was tousled, her
make-up quickly applied. When I fol-
lowed her car from the dance studio to the
restaurant, I noticed that she never slowed
down for speed bumps. That set the tone
for everything that followed.

“During our six-course meal of Italian
appetizers, we talked about everything
from an epidemic of fish cancer to Jesse
Jackson's effect on Democratic hopes for
the Presidency. Hanging on the wall
behind our booth was а caricature of her
brother, Warren. She glanced at it only
once and never mentioned и. 1 filled her in
оп my background but tried to keep the
conversation light, because I had purpose-
ly left my tape recorder home in order to
establish a casual atmosphere.

"I soon discovered it is impossible to talk
with Shirley about the weather. She
wanted to know why she should do the
‘Interview.’ I said that at its best, the Чп-
lerview’s’ in-depth nature could take the
subject far beyond most Q.-and-A. ses-
sions. It would be something new and jun,
especially since it would be her first com-
prehensive interrogation. Shirley said
nothing, but her clear-blue eyes bored
steadily into mine. I felt disconnected.

“Later, over the last glass of wine, she
asked again. This time, I suggested that
the experience could be a microcosm of the
spiritual explorations she had underaken
in her latest book. ‘Do the "Interview" if
you think it will contribute to your life, I
said. ‘You certainly don't need it to hype
your hopes for an Oscar for “Terms of
Endearment."' Shirley nodded, then
asked me to go to Las Vegas a few weeks
hence to catch her show. “Dancing is at the
root of it all for me. You have to see my
show to fully understand what I’m about."

“A month after I'd seen her Las Vegas
revue—ue should all move as well at 50—
we finally met for the ‘Interview’ at Shir-
ley’s East Side apartment in Manhattan.
She wanted to sandwich the sessions into a
marathon weekend. We managed to get
most of it done—taking time out to eat her
homemade chicken soup and salmon salad
and, on Sunday, to see ‘The Big Chill’
(she was lukewarm on it) and ‘Broadway
Danny Rose’ (which she loved) during
our break—but didn’t finish until a month
later, at her Malibu apartment. Through-
cut; her new spiritual consciousness was
evident, though never in a proselytizing
manner. We saved its discussion until the

"Fm certain I was a

prostitute in some

other life and 1 just
have empathy for them."

end. We also broached the subject of the
strange tension between us during our first
dinner meeting—uwath surprising results.

“Нет California home is decorated in an
Indian motif, with assorted knickknacks
from her world travels and photos of her
and various friends. Stitched into a pillow
on the couch is LEAVE ME ALONE, ГМ HAVING
acrisis. The legend on the pillow either
isn’t true at all or is always true.”

PLAYBOY: It's been quite a year for Shirley
MacLaine—onstage, onscreen, on the
best-seller list. Did you plan it that way?
MACLAINE: Well, on my 49th birthday—
first, let me explain what a birthday is to
me. Everyone’s birthday is what is called
the solar return: The sun and the plane-
tary alignments are in pretty much the
same positions as when you were born. So
birthdays are important, because what-
ever you put Qut there on that day has a
real chance of working. It’s even good to
have the exact time you were born,
because the energy goes from five hours
prior to five hours after. So for about а
solid ten-hour period on my 49th birth-
day, I went to New Mexico and climbed a
mountain and meditated and projected
forward to 1984. I projected what hap-
pened with Terms of Endearment; I pro-
jected that it would help mother-daughter

relationships. I projected the reaction to my
book Out on a Limb. I didn’t know for
sure if this stuff would come to pass, if the
individual really had that kind of power.
But it happened. This year has come to pass
for me exactly as 1 projected it.

PLAYBOY: Did you project winning the
Oscar?

MAC LAINE: Yes.

PLAYBOY: Was it important to win the
Oscar? Do you think you deserved it?
MACLAINE: It’s not about deserving to
win—because no one deserves to lose. It’s
just a recognition that comes in a little gold
package. But, yes, I care about being rec-
ognized for a body of work over 30
years—some good, some bad, some in
between and some really great. I'm a com-
municator, and being recognized for it is a
good feeling.

PLAYBOY: Weren't the five Oscar nomina-
tions you got before this one enough recog-
nition to overcome any insecurities?
MACLAINE: [Deadpan] Yes, that was nice.
PLAYBOY: Were you disappointed in pre-
vious years?

MAC LAINE: No. I never thought I would
win before. I didn't think I was very good
in Irma La Douce. I thought I might win
for The Apartment until Elizabeth [Tay-
lor] had her tracheotomy.

PLAYBOY: Were there films you should
have been nominated for?

MACLAINE: The Children's Hour and Des-
perate Characters, but no one saw that
one. I should have been nominated for
Being There. If I had been smart, I would
have reduced my billing to the supporting-
actress category and then won. But, you
know, those are all career moves and poli-
ticking and manipulation; I don't think
about that stuff. Or I think about it too late.
PLAYBOY: Terms of Endearment won it
all—and much has been written about
it—but what was its appeal to you?

MAC LAINE: The story, of course. The fact
that it dealt with people beginning to
examine their relationships with their
children, and vice versa, in a way that
allowed them to celebrate the defects in
each. Terms makes it all right to yell at
your mother. It makes it all right to want
to make your daughter over in your own
image. I adored my character, Aurora
Greenway. It never occurred to me that
she was a viper, though the reviews some-
times described her as cobralike. I might
have been—a little bit. But I loved Auro-
ra’s honesty, her directness, her lack of
censorship. I think the public picks up on
the fact that the people in the movie—
except maybe for the husband—liked who
they were. And yet they were having this
tearing examination of their relationship
over 30 years. It’s not just mothers and
daughters who liked this film, it was
everyone who's had a mother or a father
or a child. That's about everybody
PLAYBOY: Was your performance as Auro-
ra your best work?

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PLAYBOY

MAC LAINE: It was the most committed
work I’ve done so far, committed to span-
ning 35 years, committed to the challenge
of being on the edge of caricature and still
knowing I would have to make the transi-
tion into very subtle drama on the death of
my daughter. There was a total commit-
ment to emphasizing my worst assets so
that you could believe in the disintegration
of the mother: roots showing in my hair
that were my real roots. But it was a total
commitment to a character I loved; I threw
the usual screen concerns to the wind.
PLAYBOY: You've said you modeled her on
Martha Mitchell. In what way?

MAC LAINE: Martha and I spent some time
together in Boston. I was on the writers’
circuit for my second bock. She was doing
some publicity there, some television ap-
pearances. She came on with a whole
array of hairpieces, her own make-up kit,
a manicurist, а pedicurisi, a hairdresser, a
face dresser, a lipstick putter—a retinue.
She literally changed the room by walking
into it. She was amusing, colorful, com-
marding, demanding, self-indulgent, fun-
ny. She was vain. She was beautiful. I
never forgot the impact she had on me.
She was kind of an unsung American hero
because of what she exposed of pain and
humiliation in Watergate.

Somehow, we made a dinner date one
night. At the restaurant, she must have
changed tables five times because the light-
ing wasn't right or the angle wasn’t cor-
rect on her face. Then she took to saying
the walls were bugged, because she saw an
air-conditioning grille above us: “No, no.
"The microphone is in there, so we have to
move again.” And we would. Eventually,
we ended up moving not only to five tables
but to three or four restaurants. That real-
ly happened. And all the time, I was
studying her and thinking, This is a real
person, an actual human being living this
way. Even with her paranoia, she was a
delight to be around. And she told the
absolute truth in everything we discussed.
Finally, 1 went back to her hotel with her.
She had this big reception suite. By that
time, maybe three a.m., she'd been drink-
ing a little, and she got on the phone—just
as I had read about her late-night calls to
the press during the Watergate days. I
watched her call people for two hours.

So when Terms came along, | was
going through the process of associations
in women that I'd known. A month before
we started rehearsals, I said to [screen-
writer-director] Jim Brooks, “Look, Гуе
zeroed in on an image that I think is good
for Aurora, and tell me if I’m on the right
track.” I didn’t say “I’ve locked on to the
energy of Martha Mitchell,” because he’d
have thought I was a cuckoo bird. When I
said, simply, that I was thinking of Mar-
tha Mitchell, he said, “Great, great.”
PLAYBOY: How did you use that on the
set?

MAC LAINE: Well, since I don’t believe any-
one dies, I figured the energy she was in

her lifetime was still extant. 1 began to—
now, understand what I mean when I say
this—I began to try to ask Martha for her
help. 1 asked her if she would be there,
hover over me, cooperate, join me... . I
was going through these things that don’t
seem outrageous when you're metaphysi-
cally in tune. In fact, they seem artistically
liberating. So when the camera would roll
and Jim would yell, “Action!” I would go
into a space, which I’ve learned how to
do—and I would feel as if I were plugging
into Martha Mitchell. She and I worked
together on the movie. You can say it’s not
true, but it worked.

PLAYBOY: There’s a bit of gossip we'd like
to clear up before we get into the meta-
physical. There were reports that you and
your onscreen daughter, actress Debra
Winger, didn’t get along during filming.
Once and for all, what happened?

MAC LAINE: Was it a hot topic? [Pauses]
Well, we got along. We got along. We just
had different approaches to working. This
is the only picture I've done with her, but
she apparently becomes her character—
every time. Before the set call and after.
PLAYBOY: But her character was the more
solicitous one, the one who wanted to get
along with her mother. And your charac-
ter was the difficult one. Your explanation
would make sense only if you stayed in
character all the time.

MAC LAINE: [Long laugh] Very perceptive.
Oh, well.

PLAYBOY: So?

MAC LAINE: So . . . it was difficult, but we
got along. [Pauses] Look, Debra is 21
years younger than I am. She has very
different interests and different ways of
looking at life. Just because you work inti-
mately with someone for three or four
months on a film doesn’t mean there’s any
breeding ground for friendship. I don’t
think there was much of one. It’s just one
of those things. It was the same thing
when I worked with Bo Derek on A
Change of Seasons. People wanted to
know if she and I were friends. Well, no. 1
like her perfectly fine, but on what basis
would a friendship like that flourish? E
agree with Jim Brooks, who said that
people seem to want to pit women against
each other because of male-chauvinistic
attitudes. I don’t know if he was right or
wrong, but I do remember the same sort of
talk bubbling about Anne Bancroft and
me during The Turning Point and about
Audrey Hepburn and me on The Chil-
dren's Hour. There's an idea that women
should fight like cats for screen time and
attention. But that is just not true.
PLAYBOY: Did you try to interest Winger
in your well-known spiritual pursuits?
MACLAINE: No. We had that in common.
Jack Nicholson, too. Debra is a student of
Gurdjieff. But she didn’t talk much about
it. She read my latest book and was inter-
ested in it. [Pauses] But other than that, 1
mean, she loved to sit in her trailer in her
combat boots and miniskirt, listening to

real loud rock ’n’ roll. Right there, I mean,
what am I going to do that for?

PLAYBOY: Enough said. Aurora Greenway
wasn’t the first risky role you've taken in
terms of your image. Then there was your
role in Being There, in which you did a
memorable masturbation scene—
MACLAINE: Oh, yes. Larry Olivier called
me about that, because they wanted him to
do the part Melvyn Douglas eventually
played. He said, “Му dear girl, are you do-
ing this? You mustn’t do this. This scene
is immoral. Think of your stature as an art-
ist and an actress! You should not be a part
of this picture because of that scene."
PLAYBOY: And you said?

MAC LAINE: “Well, you don’t have to do it.
I do. As a matter of fact, that’s why I’m
taking the movie. I like that scene.” I
wanted to see if I could pull that off with
good taste and humor. I also like to go to
the edge of unpredictability. He said,
“Well, that scene is why I’m not doing the
movie.”

PLAYBOY: Didn't it feel odd to do that scene
on a set in front of all those people?
MACLAINE: Hmm. We did it 17 times,
until my make-up man finally said,
“Mmm, mmm; good to the last drop."
Seventeen times and Peter Sellers just sat
there, changing channels on a TV set.
[Laughs] Totally in character, always.
PLAYBOY: He didn’t peek?

MAC LAINE: [Long pause] He was so in-
credibly brilliant in that. Just to be a part
of that picture with him was important to
me, because I was working with a genius
who had the role of his life. . . . Who won
the Academy Award that year?

PLAYBOY: Not Sellers.

MAC LAINE: [Sadly] No.

PLAYBOY: Your other controversial roles
included a fair number of prostitutes.
Why so many?

MAC LAINE: God, I don't know. I'm certain
I was a prostitute in some other life and 1
just have empathy for them.

PLAYBOY: That's a familiar refrain.

MAC LAINE: It’s all 1 can figure out.
PLAYBOY: Were you ever concerned about
being typecast or about the reactions you
would get?

MACLAINE: INo. I wasn't thinking then,
nor do I think now, about career risks in
terms of jeopardizing myself. I think about
career risks in terms of a challenge. If I'd
worried about career moves, І wouldn't
have done Cannonball Run II, for God's
sake, right after Terms of Endearment.
PLAYBOY: Why did you? Because it re-
united the Rat Pack—Dean Marin,
Frank Sinatra, Sammy Davis Jr. and
you?

MAC LAINE: Well, we all had a wonderful
time. None of us read the script—at least,
no one I talked to. I mean, I tried, but I
couldn't get through it. I just wanted to
work with all of them again. And it prob-
ably will show.

PLAYBOY: Come to think of it, you've prob-
ably been in more movies with Dean

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MACLAINE: I’ve probably been in more
movies with Dean Martin than even Dean
Martin has.

PLAYBOY: What acting risks are left for
you to take?

MAC LAINE: I think Га like to try some
really wild, histrionic dramatic part bor-
dering on insanity. I don’t want to do
Shakespeare or the classics.

PLAYBOY: You want to move further to-
ward the edge?

MAC LAINE: Probably, though in the past
month, I’ve gotten three scripts: one about
a woman who goes crazy because she’s
being murdered; another about a murder-
ess; the third about someone else involved
in a murder. But I won't do any of them.
The reason is sociological. I don't want to
contribute to the violence out there, espe-
cially since I’m on a spiritual path. I had
never believed violence on film could incite
violence in an audience until recently.
PLAYBOY: What movie made you change
your mind?

MACLAINE: Scarface. It wasn’t about
drugs; it was about violence and the
exploitation of it. The abuse of that kind
of artistic freedom made me violent; it
activated a violence in me that I thought I
had worked out. I didn’t want to go out
and kill anyone the way the characters
did, but I really wanted to have a talk with
the people who had made the film and ask
them what the fuck they thought they
were doing! I didn’t notice an examination
of the cultural build-up to that violence; I
didn’t even see the first half hour—with
the chopped-off arm in the shower. I was
late to the screening and got locked out.
Something must have been telling me not
to go in. The violence in that movie was
not put into perspective. The violence in
Midnight Express 1 understood. In the
Godfathers, 1 understood.

PLAYBOY: And in your brother’s movie
Bonnie and Clyde?

MAC LAINE: I understood.

PLAYBOY: Have you ever been violent?
MAC LAINE Oh, sure. I’ve had arguments
with a couple of the men I’ve been with.
There was one who weighed 220 pounds,
and I got so upset with him that I picked
him up by the shoulders and threw him
into the hallway. Never thought Pd do
that. It’s been infrequent, but I realized
that what upset me most about the person
who provoked me to violence were those
little aspects of myself that I recognized in
myself—from childhood on.

PLAYBOY: What kind of childhood ambi-
tions did you have?

MAC LAINE: Basically, I wanted to be an
astronomer and a physicist. I was always
looking through my telescope and reading
about people who discovered things. My
favorite book was called Heroes of Civili-
zalion. 1 still read it over and over. I was
reading about the theory of relativity and
chemistry and what bodies are made up

of, as opposed to plants—all the while I
was going to dancing classes. So I was
walking down both of those paths.
PLAYBOY: You took ballet lessons to reme-
dy a physical problem, didn't you?
MACLAINE: Yeah, but I loved dancing,
because it allowed me to express myself.
Otherwise, I probably would have inter-
nalized too much of my intelligence. So I
got it out physically. And I loved the mu-
sic, especially Russian, though I don’t
understand what that was about: When 1
visited Russia, I hated it. It was the most
depressing period of all my travels.
PLAYBOY: Your first book, “Don’t Fall Off
the Mountain,” gives the impression that
from early on, you had a sense of not quite
belonging where you were.

MAC LAINE: That's right. Yeah. There was
a feeling of another home somewhere
[Pauses] 1 think the feeling of home that I
was longing for was myself and wherever
1 might have been. Meaning that I could
have been many places, many cultures and
maybe even other planets; I don’t know. It
was not enough to say that my home was
Richmond, Virginia, and I lived with Ira
and Kathlyn Beaty, and that was my iden-
tity. I knew that that wasn’t all there was
to me. I was longing to fill in the total
picture of my identity. The memory of the
many places I had been were sort of
knocking on my brain. I know that now.
But all I can remember as a child were
very subtle kinds of memories trying to
break through.

PLAYBOY: When you first went to Holly-
wood, you didn’t really belong, either.
The press labeled you a kook. Your mari-
tal arrangements were unusual, as well.
Did you feel like an outsider?

MAC LAINE: I never felt on the outside,
though when I finished working on a film,
I'd usually take off and go somewhere. I
had my colorful fill of those dinner parties
with all those flaming desserts and all the
Bel-Air-circuit sociology, but I guess I
never really was a part of it. . . . It was
fun. Nice people. But my head was listen-
ing to a different drummer. Actually, it’s
sort of interesting that they labeled me a
kook for silly little things. For instance, I
didn’t know what a limo was, so I would
drive up to a movie premiere in my car,
having just changed clothes in the back
seat because I'd come from dancing class. I
wasn't aware of any effect I was creating
or that I was doing unusual things. When
I started reading about myself, I felt 1 was
usually described with good humor, with
sort of a slant of a rebel about it, But that.
was OK with me. I knew who I was.
PLAYBOY: Didn't that give you a certain
protection?

MAC LAINE: Yes. Every now and then, I
wondered why nobody propositioned
me—and nobody ever did. I’ve never had
that experience in all my life in this busi-
ness. But—you know, this is so boring to
me. Sorry. I can’t go back into the past like
this. 1 can’t even relate to that part of my
life, my early Hollywood days. It’s like

another lifetime ago for me. 1 can't
remember any of it, any of my reactions.
PLAYBOY: Why not? You haven't had any
trouble remembering other parts of your
past when you've written about it.

MAC LAINE: My family, childhood, that's
really important stuff. But not my early
days in Hollywood. [Pauses] It’s not that
Fm like Marlon Brando: Interviewers
want to know about his approach to act-
ing, and all he wants to talk about is the
Indians. [Us not that I feel that way
When I say that this is hard for me, it’s
because I really don’t remember the early
stuff. It's just gone. Boring, finished. It’s
no longer interesting. Even the painful
stuff. For example, a woman psychiatrist
walked up to me a few nights ago at a
party and said, “Your performance in
Terms was brilliant because of all the pain
that you showed. You must have had a
great deal of pain in your life. True?”
Right in front of a lot of people, I tried to
answer her genuinely. I said, “No, not in
this life. Some past lives, yes.” I've come to
understand that. That’s why I’m opening
up now. I’ve put most of this past away,
especially the Hollywood stuff.

PLAYBOY: Then let’s go further back. In
your first book, you judge your parents
pretty harshly: your mother for giving up
her career, your father for not encourag-
ing you to dare more.

MAC LAINE: I don’t think 1 judged them
harshly. I was just telling my feelings.
‘They didn’t react negatively. Mother said,
“Did I really give that impression that I
was sacrificing everything for my chil-
dren?” I said, “Yeah.” And she said, “I
guess I did.”

PLAYBOY: What about your father?

MAC LAINE: Dad loved it. He thought he
was the star of my book, which he was. He
loves being the star of my books. They
didn’t feel judged. They are somehow
secure and liberal and democratic about
how Warren and I have decided to express
ourselves, and if it includes them in the
process, they don’t take it personally.
PLAYBOY: Do you now see them in a more
positive light?

MAC LAINE: Um-hmm. In many ways,
they're getting more difficult with each
other. "They're a vaudeville act. Neither
one of them has ever melded into the
woodwork. I’ve told them often that they
ought to do a TV series. That’s one 1
might watch. It’s incredible, their rela-
tionship, like a comic George and Martha
[їп Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?|. 1 see
why I have this capacity for both comedy
and tragedy. It’s what went on at home.
PLAYBOY: People often find it odd that you
and Warren Beatty are brother and sis-
ter—you seem very different.

MACLAINE: I was once asked, “Do you
think you and Warren chose your par-
ents?” Yes, І do. My parents have no
problem with us as their children. They
don’t look at us and ask, “How did we
produce these children?” They say, “Of
course" Sure, we're different. I think his

approach is much more intellectual than
mine, and by that I mean left-brain. He
really needs to have things proved 10 him
to believe them. But I'm a woman and he's
a man. I’m operating with much more
intuitive intelligence and trusting it
"That's the great gift women have to give
the world, except that men always ask us
to prove we have the gift.

PLAYBOY: Do you get a kick out of the
press’s fascination with him?

MAC LAINE: I think everybody is fascinated
with him. You guys at PLAYBOY aren't any
different—and probably just because he
wor't talk to you.

PLAYBOY: Since Warren refuses to talk to
the press, do you resent being asked ques-
tions about him?

MACLAINE: No. Except that people have
this idea that we're not friendly,

PLAYBOY: Are you?

MAC LAINE: People know that Warren and
I know each other very well and we're
very close. We don't travel the same paths
in life, but we love each other. Everybody
who knows us knows that.

PLAYBOY: What qualities do you share?
MAC LAINE: The agreement that both of us
see our childhood completely differently.
Since we understand how really different
we are, I think that’s what's led people to
think we are not close. But because we
both happen to be famous and talented, 1
really hesitate to invade his privacy. About
anything. And he'd do the same for me. I
will never really discuss Warren. It's up to
him to discuss him.

PLAYBOY: Then why have you made such
provocative remarks as “I'd like to do a
kissing scene with him” and “Га lock my
daughter away from him" and "I haven't
seen him nude since he was six years old;
Га like to find out what he's like now!"?
MAC LAINE: Well, I have a humorous and
open relationship with the public and the
press. I'm more outgoing, so I make jokes
about Warren and me.

PLAYBOY: Your glibness has gotten you
into trouble. For example, you called New
York City the Karen Anne Quinlan of
cities and later apologized to her parents.
Do you learn from those experiences?
MAC LAINE: Absolutely.

PLAYBOY: Since you are, as you say, in-
clined to talk to the press, what was be-
hind your resistance—which stretched out
for months—to doing this Interview?
MAC LAINE: [Thinks a moment, makes up
her mind] 1 know that you've felt this re-
sistance of mine. It was—I sensed that this
was no accident that you wanted to talk
with me, because you sensed . . . that
this would be as therapeutic for you as it is
for me. I felt I knew what would happen. I
knew you were at the point in your life
when you really needed to move on and
were looking for some guideposts; some
communication, some kind of interchange
of understanding between the two of us
that would help you progress more,
beyond doing a great in-depth interview.
PLAYBOY. Hmm. That’s pretty much out

PLAYBOY

of left field. Since we had never met
before, isn't it more likely that this Jnter-
view is taking place because this is the
most recent peak in a very rich career?
MAC LAINE: [Laughs] “Most recent peak”!
Pete Hamill says I've had more comebacks
than Roberto Duran. Oh, I know you’re
here because the movie was hot, because
it’s time. But I know that’s not what you
are here for. It’s not merely an accident.
But perhaps I am being presumptuous.
T'm one of those people who are mission-
aries, right? I always do this. Always: If I
can help, let me be there.

PLAYBOY: Frankly, there was no reason
other than the professional one to ap-
proach you. The idea to interview you just
came to us.

MAC LAINE: [Long laugh] Sorry for laugh-
ing, but there’s no such thing as an idea
that just came to you. That’s what I’ve
been doing for the past ten years—getting
past the notion that any idea just came to
me. I want to know why Mozart could
write that symphony at the age of six, sev-
en or eight; why Einstein came up with
the theory of rel: or that God was a
giant thought. That’s the nature of my
curiosity. I don’t think of it this way, but
maybe it is a rigorous compulsion to give
form to intuition.

What happens is that the necessity for
you and me to be talking comes in the
form of an idea. But it’s there for another
reason. And I like to get to that reason.
PLAYBOY: Arc you saying that this Inter-
view has a connection to some other
dimension?

MACLAINE: OK, that’s what it is. It's a
connection to something else that needed
to happen. And the something else is
whatever comes out of this. I’m sure the
whole thing is for you and me to figure it
out. It’s something special that comes out
of this exploration of my | head, Maybe I
just needed you to do il
PLAYBOY: Then Ict’s continue exploring.
You do so many things—where does your
stamina come from?

MAC LAINE: Maybe it’s just that I don’t sit
on a lot of my feelings. That takes more
energy than anything, so you've got none
left over. I pretty well say what's on my
mind. My idea of the Chinese torture is
not to be able to express myself to someone
about what I feel about him or feel about
him in relation to me. I believe that when
you're afraid to tell someone something,
it’s really something you don't want to
hear yourself. Yov're afraid he'll hurt you.
PLAYBOY: Among the many acüvities we
haven't yet mentioned is your involvement
in politics —

MAC LAINE: Ah. The real entertainment.
PLAYBOY: In 1969, you said politics were
no longer relevant to you. Then you dived
headfirst into George McGovern’s 1972
Presidential campaign. Why?

MAC LAINE: Nixon was relevant. A major,
basic reason I committed myself to the
extent I did was that I didn’t want Nixon
to appoint three new Justices to the

Supreme Court who might reflect Ais val-
ves; it wasn't so much about politics.
PLAYBOY: Nixon did that anyway.
MACLAINE: Yup. But now my point of
view is that you do what you feel you have
to do and then let nature take its course.
PLAYBOY: Meaning?

MAC LAINE: Meaning we got rid of Nixon
once and for all. I think the American
people elected him just to get rid of him. It
couldn’t have happened unless George
had lost that election. But, you know, I
stuck with George; it wasn’t just a passing
thing. I continued to work for McGovern
every day after the convention, even after
it was clear that he’d blown it because of
the Eagleton affair. My principles would
not let me walk away. I stuck to the end.
People began to wonder about my judg-
ment. Teddy White said I had the best
political instincts he knew, but why was I
using them on losers? I think it was very
hard for some people in my world, my
community, to watch me do that in pub-
lic, because most people jumped ship
after the convention.

Also, whenever I explained why I was
working so hard for McGovern, I said it
had to do with the character and value
system of Richard Nixon. I approached it
all on a personal basis. The Hollywood
hierarchy—the money people—weren’t
pleased with my personal evaluation of
Nixon. So when what I said about him
turned out to be true a year later—during
Watergate—some of those people had a
hard time looking me in the eye, because
they expected me to say, “1 told you so.”
But I never did.

PLAYBOY: That period in the early Seven-
ties was concurrent with a five-year period
when you weren’t hot in Hollywood.
MAC LAINE: I don’t think politics was the
only problem. It was a double whammy: I
had done two pictures in a row that didn’t
make any money—The Possession of Joel
Delaney and Desperate Characters —and
my ТУ series had been a disaster. I had
spent almost two years “no”ing myself out
of good scripts. Along with that, in the
money people's eyes I had supported the
wrong person politically and then turned
out to be right.

PLAYBOY: Did you suspect a black list?
MAC LAINE: No. Might have been gray but
not black. The bottom line in Hollywood
is profit and talent. If I had made a couple
of great pictures, it wouldn't have mat-
tered whom I'd supported.

PLAYBOY: Since you were so very out-
spoken about Nixon’s character during
that. period, did you experience any fear
for yourself when he won?

MACLAINE: No. I was so used to having
my phone tapped by that time that I fig-
ured, What are they going to do—tap it
some more? | ran a good part of the
women’s arm of the McGovern campaign
from my apartment, and I had so many
people coming to fix the phone lines that
were being cut three times a week that the
building managers finally got fed up. A lot

of dirty tricks were played—throwing
garbage into my hall, all sorts of things.
PLAYBOY: Are those the ransackings you
claim were done by the CIA?

MACLAINE: They would come in and ran-
sack the place, not steal anything. Just
harassment. Just turn everything over, do
the drawers, throw everything in the mid-
dle of the room, dump garbage and trash.
PLAYBOY: Did you feel helpless?
MACLAINE: No. Never, I thought they
were defenseless and helpless if they had
to stoop to such things with some poor
little movie actress who was just being her
idealistic self. Please, what kind of Gov-
ernment is this if it’s scared of me?
PLAYBOY: Can you see yourself getting
politically involved again?

MACLAINE: It’s possible. Mike Wallace
asked me on 60 Minutes if I were going to
run for the Senate. An elevator man stops
me and wants to have a chat about my
political future, or a cabdriver yells, “Hey,
Shirl, why don’t you run?” What are
these people picking up on? Maybe
they're seeing that I’ve made my life better
and I’m talking about it out loud. And
somehow they translate that communi-
cation into leadership. It’s come as a sur-
prise to me, because I have not been
involved in this election campaign. I only
know what I read. And I don’t spend a lot
of time concentrating on that.

PLAYBOY: Do you have a scoop for us,
then, on your political plans?

MAC LAINE: I haven't thought about it. But
everyone is asking.

PLAYBOY: You were once asked seriously to
consider becoming a candidate for the
Senate but turned it down. Why?
MACLAINE: Some California people with a
lot of money came to me and said they
would support me if I ran. Is that being
asked seriously? I said that if I could play
six weeks in Vegas and do two pictures a
year, I'd do it. I had more to do and feel in
the art world. I wanted to continue my
work where my creativity lay at the time. I
didn’t know about the future.

PLAYBOY: Did you seriously think you
could continue a creative life in the arts
and also be in politics?

MACLAINE: It’s possible. I was kidding
about Las Vegas, but if I criticize our
leaders for not integrating a spiritual view
into their lives, then I have to also say,
“Do I do it in my own life?” I'm trying to.
That's one of the things I’m trying to
share in my writing and in interviews like
this. OK. So if all politicians are supposed
to do is help us make better lives for our-
selves, maybe one day I'll have some good
ideas that can be utilized practically. But
they would be centered on this spiritual
realization I'm beginning to have.
PLAYBOY- Any practical or spiritual
thoughts about the '84 campaign?

MAC LAINE: [Pauses] I’m not positive Rea-
gan is going to be in the race at the end.
PLAYBOY: What? He has already an-
nounced; by the time this Interview ap-
pears, he'll be running strong.

MAC LAINE: I know. But I keep seeing
Bush. I don’t know why.

PLAYBOY: To what do you attribute
Reagan’s appeal?

MAC LAINE: Well, you can disagree with
him all you want but, let's face it, the man
is playing the role of his life, with his
ideology as his screenplay

PLAYBOY: Are you being cynical?

MAC LAINE: No. Aren't we all playing the
roles of our lives? But is there any doubt
in your mind that he’s having fun with
this role? The public knows he’s having
a good time being President. I think it’s
real. I think it’s genuine. People are too
smart—smarter than you think. So I think
that if you do anything sincerely, you're
going to succeed. That’s the secret of
Ronald Reagan. I really think that
Ronald Reagan is an enlightened human
being. Coming from me, a liberal, demo-
cratic socialist, that’s something to say.
But I believe it. He is coming from where
I'm coming from these days: He believes
in himself, he believes peace is possible, he
was seemingly forgiving of the boy who
tried to assassinate him—he cares for the
family; he cares for the boy's mental
health—he cares for the souls of the
unborn. He speaks to the higher values.
PLAYBOY: Quite a campaign speech. So
could a liberal, democratic socialist actual-
ly vote for Reagan?

MAC LAINE: I doubt that seriously. I dis-
agree with his corporate materialism,

which is to balance the budget at the
expense of human poverty. I disagree with
his calling the Soviet Union the focus of
evil in the world—at the same time that he
says he wants peace. How can you call the
opposition Satan? How can you then sit
down with Satan to negotiate peace?
What would he do, sell his soul to the
Devil? So there is a conflict in his enlight-
enment. But the reason he's a popular
individual is that he, of all the candidates,
is speaking from his heart. I don’t think
he’s acting. This is genuine.

PLAYBOY: Was there a conflict in Jimmy
Carter’s enlightenment as well?
MACLAINE: No. But he didn’t have the
American concept of strength and admin-
istrative assurance. He didn’t have it at
all. But he may be extremely underesti-
mated as a President. I don't think we've
heard the last of him. He is coming into
his own if he continues to progress as a
spiritual commentator on the times. I
think he saw himself that way, and that is
why I liked the man and still do.
PLAYBOY: As a self-styled individualist,
you’ve taken some strong stands over the
years on important social issues, including
women’s rights. Many women regard you
as a symbol, because the way you've lived
your life has presaged advances in wom-
en’s causes by about ten years. Would
you describe yourself as a feminist?

MAC LAINE: I didn't do those things be-
cause I felt they needed to be done; I was

just being myself. Pm surprised when
people say those things about me. [Pauses]
I think most women had more damage
done to their creativity than I had. My
parents allowed me to be me. Yes, they
were concerned that if I dared too much
Га get hurt, but it wasn't based on my
being a woman, ever. My dad had great
respect for my mind from the time I was a
little girl. I remember him saying it and
complimenting me over the Swiss steak
and Birds Eye peas.

PLAYBOY: In your friend Oriana Fallaci's
Playboy Interview, she said she had trou-
ble getting along with feminists, because
in order to maintain the feminist struggle,
they had to accomplish things in spite of
men. How do you react to that?
MACLAINE: There are some people who
would say that Oriana is a man. I don’t
feel Tve done things in spite of men all my
life. But my life has been different from
most women's. I've been a star since I was
20 years old, with people letting me do
what I want because of my talent. Some of
my pursuits along the lines of intellectual
freedom were, of course, colored with
“You're just an emotional woman." Some.
But when I stopped and wrote a book,
when I disciplined myself to put my
thoughts down in an organized fashion
and it appealed to people, I no longer got
the feeling that my talent was all that any-
one would respect. Also, I haven’t been
colonized as most women have. I have

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PLAYBOY

depended on men in my life and have
wanted to live up to a man’s expectations
of me in certain ways, in certain relation-
ships; but, at the same time, I was con-
sciously rebelling against what a man
expected of me. But it was never some-
thing that so overwhelmingly contami-
nated my happiness that I had to say, “I’m
going to join a feminist movement and
protest the male enemy.” But most wom-
en, if they are to be believed, say that is
their experience. And I accept it.
PLAYBOY: So you'd agree that women’s
rights still have a long way to go?

MAC LAINE: Human rights still have a long
way to go.

PLAYBOY: Were you saddened by the fail-
ure of the E.R.A.?

MAC LAINE: Sure. But I don’t think it was a
big blow to the women’s movement or ever
will be, because women are one half of the
human race. In many ways, the failure of
the E.R.A. has so pricked the conscience of
the males who defeated it that they’re
learning more from having voted wrong.
PLAYBOY: So what is the most important
issue today?

MAC LAINE: It’s ironic, but it's God. We
are involved in a planet-wide holy war.
We are all pissed off either at Satan or at
one another. The Second World War was
about the religion of fascism versus those
who wanted to live in freedom. Americans
are anti-Communist because Communists
don't believe in God the way we do. The
whole Islamic uprising is about people
who disagree with the Moslems’ interpre-
tation of the Koran. The same with the
Jews and the Old Testament. And the
only way we can stop it is to realize that
we are all God. We are all part of that
force. I see no difference between my sup-
posedly metaphysical search and the fu-
ture of socioeconomics and politics. That's
what Anwar Sadat, Mahatma Gand
Martin Luther King, the Pope and Lech
Walesa are talking about. When Mother
Teresa was asked by an American jour-
nalist, “When did you start doing what
you do?" she said, “When I woke up one
day and realized I had a Hitler in me.”
PLAYBOY: Let’s turn to another part of
your personal life. You were married for
29 years to Steve Parker. Even though you
eventually settled, separately, in different
paris of the world and you saw other men,
you insisted you wouldn’t get divorced.
Last year, you did. Why?

MAC LAINE: It was time.

PLAYBOY: You've said that before. Why
was it time?

MAC LAINE: Thats all I want to say.
[Tightly] I don't want to talk about it right
now. Pl write about it one day. But I
can't —don't want to—talk about that. ГЇЇ
have a lot to say about it somewhere else.
But I’m going to say it when I want to, in
my own pages.

PLAYBOY: Will you discuss marriage?
MAC LAINE: Sure.

PLAYBOY: Whau does it mean to you?
MAC LAINE: Never having really been con-

ventionally married, I don't know. I've
lived with people, but I guess it makes a
difference if you don't have a piece of
paper. The whole idea of marriage and
swearing before a judge or God— promis-
ing to love in sickness and in health till
death do you part—almost promises to pro-
gram hypocrisy into society. It's not some-
thing I would feel comfortable promising.
PLAYBOY: You did, once.

MAC LAINE: Yeah. I was 21 years old and
did it for emotional security. But you
asked how I feel about marriage, and since
Рт trying to live the truth as I see it, 1
couldn't in all good conscience make those
vows to anyone today.

PLAYBOY: Why not?

MAC LAINE: Because I don’t know what
changes will occur in me from now on. If
my life up till now has been any example,
I guess it will be more of the same—and 1
change all the time. Maybe my partner
wouldn't want to. Then what do you do—
Stick together anyway, because you've
promised to? That kind of idealistic legal
promise is a program for pain. I don't like
to make promises that I can't keep, and I
don't expect anyone to make those prom-
ises to me. My priority in life is to try to
fulfill my potential and my own instincts
and motivations to share love and creativi-
ty. That includes more than one person.
PLAYBOY: When you got married at 21, did
you find emotional security?

MAC LAINE: Yeah. But when you look at
the marriage itself, we were apart most of
the time. Steve went to Japan in the sec-
ond year. So my emotional security was a
symbol, somehow. I really developed my
own emotional security within myself.
Thats why the marriage worked for so
long. I was essentially free the whole time,
because neither of us wanted a conven-
tional marriage. That was clear.
PLAYBOY: It seems as if your emotional
security made the marriage unnecessary.
MAC LAINE: Yeah. It’s a paradox, I know.
PLAYBOY: But you stuck with it because
you take promises seriously?

MAC LAINE: Um-hmm.

PLAYBOY: So if you're released from your
promise

MAC LAINE: When you finally get to the
point where you say “It was time,” that’s
when you say the promise was a mistake.
PLAYBOY: Was it?

MAC LAINE: The marriage wasn’t a mis-
take. But now, to go any further would be.
PLAYBOY: How important are men to you?
MAC LAINE: As important as women. Hu-
man beings are very important to me. Pm
having a really great time now, because I
don’t feel like going into a committed rela-
tionship. And if I see a person over a short
period of time and he indicates that he
would like to be more serious and commit-
ted, I explain right off the bat that it’s not
a part of what ] want to do right now.
PLAYBOY: Does your caveat work?

MAC LAINE: Well, I find that if things have
gotten even that far with a man, as has
happened a few times, my openness will

deepen the relationship. The man will
then tell me about his problems with other
women or with a wife he may or may not
have, and then we start pursuing a rela-
tionship that’s much more mature and
sharing. It seems to be the direction people
who are attempting to be themselves in
this society are going.

PLAYBOY: Really? Isn't that do-your-own-
thing gone with the Sixties and Seventies,
while more traditional forms, such as
marriage, arc on the rise?

MAC LAINE: Well, what are your rules for
commitment? Are you sure there's no dif-
ference between commitment and restric-
tion? I’m saying there can't be rules for
human interplay and sharing—keeping in
mind at the same time, and always, that
you treat someone with love and respect.
PLAYBOY: Of course. But you're talking
about the restrictions accepted in the tra-
ditional marriage. Apparently, it’s just а
line you won't cross.

MACLAINE: It’s not as if it’s a line. It’s a
feeling. I am enjoying so much in my rela-
tionship with myself these days. It’s the
most important thing to me.

PLAYBOY: Can't it also be a way of making
sure no one gets tco close?

MACLAINE: Sure. But you know what I'm
talking about here. You cannot really get
close to anyone unless you are close to
yourself. The more I know my nooks and
crannies, the more I can respond to the
nooks and crannies of another person.
Maybe I'm working toward an ultimate,
total relationship. That’s possible. Maybe
ТЇЇ even get married again. But right now,
I think the strongest commitment is to
work along your own track, being honest
with yourself, with another person. Com-
mitment doesn't even come up.

But let me address myself to possible
accusations that this is self-indulgent. You
are ultimately going to get to these issues
whether or not you are in a committed
marriage, because you can’t hold down the
human spirit. The human spirit wants to
experience love in many ways, sex in
many ways; adventure; probably destruc-
tiveness in many ways; jealousy, too. So
these problems that plague us will all
come up whether or not we've promised
someone to live with him forever. Most of
my life, 1 put the cart before the horse.
Now I’m putting it the right way round.
PLAYBOY: Do you feel sexual jealousy?
MAC LAINE: Not anymore.

PLAYBOY: You said recently that “sex is a
nonissue.” What did you mean?

MACLAINE: The issue can be sexual jeal-
оцѕу, possessiveness, propriety—the issue
is everything but sex. I would not be com-
fortable in a sexual relationship with
someone who was not pursuing the depths
of his character the way I am now. It
would be too superficial. And 1 used to
think that having sex was something like
having dinner. I went through that in the
Sixties and Seventies, when it seemed to
be the progressive way of thinking about
sex. I don’t think that now. Sex is a serious

PLAYBOY

undertaking with someone. My view is
more spiritual. It has to be part of it.
When you really go to bed and make love
with someone, it is the most intimate
exchange of human energy in which you
can indulge. You live with the interaction
of those sparks for a long time afterward.
It’s not wham, bam, thank you, ma’am.
But I'm not saying those deep, intimate
exchanges can or must happen only with
one person. You know what I'm saying?
Every time you choose to do it is not a
casual choice. Frankly, I don't think what
you have to eat is a casual choice, either.
Everything becomes important when you
reach the vista of freedom of choice in your
life. It can be very frightening.

PLAYBOY: Don't you feel simple, pure,
chemical sexual attraction anymore?
MAC LAINE: I used to. I can't anymore. The
parameters of my desire have expanded
Casual fucks are not casual fucks to me
anymore, based on the knowledge of all
the unconscious stuff that’s going on be-
tween me and whoever it is. As a matter of
fact, I've tried a couple of times since this
realization and it wasn't pleasant.
PLAYBOY: If you've become morc conserva-
tive about sex, you've stepped further into
controversy in your latest book with your
claim of reincarnation and spirit guides.
First, why do you write?

MAC LAINE: I probably write as an excuse
to be alone. Writing is my crutch.
PLAYBOY: Do you enjoy writing?

MAC LAINE: Yes, because I really dig my-
self a lot and I get to be with myself total-
ly. АП the men I've lived with have told
me that I am not as much fun to be with
when I'm not writing.

PLAYBOY: Do you prefer any particular
setting for your work?

MAC LAINE: I can write anywhere. I’ve
written under hair driers, at a red light, on
airplanes; definitely between scene setups
on a movie. I write with the crew milling
around and talking. But my preference
now is to write in total silence somewhere
where there are trees.

PLAYBOY: Why trees?

MACLAINE: This is going to sound wild
and I’m not sure that it’s true, but I’m
examining the whole thing: Trees have
more crystal in them than moving water
does. There’s crystal in the leaves, in the
sap, in the trunks. Pine trees, especially,
have more silica. I think the silica content
may act as a thought amplifier for me.
PLAYBOY: Amplify that for us, please.
MAC LAINE: Well, there's a reason why
psychics look into crystal balls; why Venus
or imaginary planets are usually depicted
as crystal cities; why NASA is putting
crystals in its space capsules [a NASA
spokesman denies this}; why all of us into
this spiritual work wear crystals. They're
a thought amplifier. You can feel it. If I
take off my diamond necklace—and dia-
monds are just high-pressure crystals—I
feel a depletion of energy. PII tell you this
for certain: The tree outside my hotel
room in Houston, where we shot Terms of

Endearment, got me through that movie. I
talked to that tree in my mind—not
actually verbalizing, of course, but just
knowing the tree was there. It had a
white-sound effect when other noises were
happening around the hotel. I could focus
on that white sound, and it obliterated
other noises. ] used a white-sound ma-
chine when I wrote my second book.
PLAYBOY: When we began this Interview,
you said that on your 49th birthday you
“projected” the reactions people would
have toward your book Out on a Limb
and its claims. What did you mean?
MACLAINE: It means І knew that the
people who understood what I was talking
about, because they had been walking
down their own paths in terms of these
questions, would palpitate to it. Those
who didn’t would just leave it alone.
PLAYBOY: Or deride it. The book is a best
seller, but some people have made fun of
your beliefs about specific past lives and
spirit guides.

MAC LAINE: No one likes to be publicly
humiliated. I knew there would be some
resistance to this, so I began to experiment
by bringing my interests up at small gath-
erings; or people would ask what I was
doing and I would lightly broach the sub-
ject I was writing about. I found the
receptivity quotient much higher than I
had expected. People had been thinking
about these things in the privacy of their
own hearts. I hadn't known only because
they hadn’t said them out loud.

PLAYBOY: How did your friends react?
MACLAINE: Some of my best friends
thought I would be held up to public ridi-
cule, and a couple thought it would ruin
my career. Seriously. “Career buster” was
the line I heard from close, trusted friends.
PLAYBOY: For example?

MAC LAINE: Bella Abzug and Pete Hamill
went down once to Atlantic City when I
was playing there, and they had made a
pact with each other that they weren’t
going to leave until they had talked me
out of it. Instead, we sat around talking
about what this all means: why the movie
E.T. was so popular; why protests that
celebrate the potential of life over the
destruction of life are spiritual experi-
ences; John Lennon's death and Yoko
Ono's belief that his energy is now part of
the universe. We talked about why so
many millions seem to be responding to
that stuff. They seemed to be engaged in
the talk. They never said it, but it’s my im-
pression that they wanted to understand.
PLAYBOY: Hamill, with whom you lived
for seven years, has said your beliefs are
intellectual nonsense. Were you develop-
ing your beliefs during that relationship?
MAC LAINE: No. He didn't know I was
thinking about them.

PLAYBOY: You kept them from him?

MAC LAINE: Well, he wouldn't respond to
the little things I threw out, so there was
n0 point. I don't think it was the reason
for the end of the relationship, though. We
had just gone as far as we could together.

We visualized different futures for our-
selves. We're still great friends.

PLAYBOY: Has your brother ever said any-
thing to you about your book?
MACLAINE: It's one thing we never discuss.
I don't know what he thinks. However,
he’s told me how much people have
related, as he put it, to my book; he says
they were really deeply influenced. But he
didn't tell me Ле was.

PLAYBOY: Wasn't a version of the book
turned down by Random House, the orig-
inal publisher?

MACLAINE: Jason Epstein, the editor
there, thought I had a psychological dislo-
cation. He said, “This won't sell at all.
We don’t want to be a party to it.” It went
to Bantam instead. That was Jason's truth
at the time, but intellectual cynicism is a
sickness. It makes you bitter and caustic
and sarcastic. Intellectual cynics can give
you extraordinarily rococo, eloquent argu-
ments, but does that make them more
intelligent than someone who believes in
goodness?

PLAYBOY: In your book, you describe your
own past lives, including one in Atlantis.
MACLAINE: Yes, I remember that lifetime.
There was a high technological level
"There were spacecraft, cultural exchanges
that included artists from other planetary
dimensions, scientists, genetic experts,
teachers of the meaning of energy.
PLAYBOY: How was that past life revealed
to you, by a spirit guide?

MAC LAINE: No. It’s in my cellular memo-
ry. In my soul memory.

PLAYBOY: When do those memories come
to you?

MACLAINE: Sometimes it flashes at the
strangest moments. But it usually happens
when I write, when I meditate or when
I'm in that alpha state right before I fall
asleep. And then I check out the pictures
with a spiritual guide—who is not in the
body then—and it confirms them. Some-
times, if a guide says things that don’t
sound familiar, I don’t go with it—only
with what I resonate to. You know, there
is a whole body of metaphysical litera-
ture—read Francis Bacon’s New Atlantis
Part One; Bacon is the father of science—
that says most Americans are reincarnated
Atlanteans with the task of not making the
same mistake twice.

PLAYBOY: What mistake?

MACLAINE: [Dryly] The Atlanteans blew
themselves up.

PLAYBOY: Did you ever know your parents
in a past life?

MACLAINE: Very definite heavy relation-
ships. We've talked about that a lot
[Pauses] But I'd really rather not discuss
specific past-life incarnations, because
that will be picked up; it's too sensational.
ГЇЇ put it in another book. I know how
your press agent would treat that.
PLAYBOY: Based on what you said earlier,
is that why you felt we had to work some-
thing out in this Interview—because we'd
met in an earlier life?

MACLAINE: Sure. Of course. There’s no

question in my mind. That's what you
meant when you said the idea to interview
me “just came” to you.
PLAYBOY: You really believe that?
MAC LAINE: That’s what it was all about.
PLAYBOY: Does that happen with everyone
with whom you make empathic contact?
MAC LAINE: Yeah. It means there's more
stuff to work out
PLAYBOY: Do you still speak with the spirit
guides you describe in the book?
MAC LAINE: Oh, yes. 1 miss Tom McPher-
son—he's an Irish pickpocket, one of my
spiritual entity’s favorite incarnations—if
I don’t talk to him for a while. There are
also several others I learn from and work
with now. But ] don't like to use the
guides as crutches. The early explora-
live phase was phenomenal to me, so I
wrote about them.
PLAYBOY: Are you conscious of being
watched, cared for?
MACLAINE: Yes.
PLAYBOY: You've mentioned remembering
beings from other planets. Have you ever
seen a UFO?
MAC LAINE: No.
PLAYBOY: But you’d like to.
MAC LAINE: Oh! One of my fondest desires
is for one to come over my house on a
starlit night, hover there, send down а lit-
tle ladder and take me for a ride.
PLAYBOY: But you do believe, on faith, that
there's a close relationship between extra-
terrestrials and spirit guides, don’t you?
MAC LAINE: First, as Carl Sagan says, to
think we are alone in the cosmos is the
ultimate pomposity and arrogance. OK.
Now, of these UFO craft that are spotted,
I'm sure some are fake and some are natu-
ral phenomena and some are weather bal-
loons—but a large portion are not.
PLAYBOY: How do you know?
MAC LAINE: "They're really unexplained
From the people Гуе talked with who
have had contact with other beings—ei-
ther by going aboard crafts or by being
taught by individuals who came out of
crafts—it seems the same message was
given every time: Higher knowledge is the
knowledge of mind, body and spirit. The
eternal triangle. The craft’s vehicular mo-
tion is the knowledge of mind, electromag-
netic waves in the universe and the ability
to manipulate gravitational pulls from one
planet to another. But even more than
space-age technology, what the extrater-
restrials seem to be teaching is the need for
understanding of the scul, which is "Do
not be afraid of death. You do not die; you
just change form. You are part of the giant
thought, which is God. You are divine, as
is everything. You are your brother's
keeper. And attempt to dispel judgment."
It’s the same message from all of them.
It's the same message as the Bible. It’s the
same message as the prophets gave. It’s the
same message as the spiritual guides and
teachers coming through transmediums
give. It’s the same message as born-again
Christians’. 105 the same message from
Mother Teresa. It's the same message

taught by Gandhi, Sadat, King, Walesa.
PLAYBOY: When all beings—including ex-
waterrestrials—die, do their souls go to
ihe astroplane and hang out with souls
from all over the universe?

MAC LAINE: Um-hmm. Hang out together.
I think that’s one reason why we are so
attracted and, indeed, haunted by the idea
of extraterrestrial life. I believe we've
actually been there in other incarnations.
PLAYBOY: We don’t necessarily have to
come back to this earth?

MAC LAINE: You choose wherever you
want to go. Imagine how much work
we've got to do, huh? [Laughs]

PLAYBOY: So no one really has anything to

fear? It all works out in the end?
MACLAINE: Right. Exactly right. That's
why this realization totally changes your
life when you begin to resonate to it on an
everyday basis.

PLAYBOY: Do other people who resonate
approach you about this?

MACLAINE: Well, one day on the set of
Terms of Endearment, right after there
had been some press about my beliefs, our
production manager came to me and said
he had read a wire-service story about my
book and my beliefs. He said, “So, Shir-
ley, your daughter was your mother?”
with this sarcastic expression. And at that
moment, because it only happens in a

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PLAYBOY

“That’s right, Austin. I feel
that. Sachi does, too. We have discussed it,
and as far as we're concerned, it's a truth
of ours. And it's not the only relationship
we've had in past lives." It must have been
the way I said it. His whole face changed.
And he said, “You know, I’ve had the
same fecling about my own son." He had
just been afraid of admitting it.

PLAYBOY: What about those critics who
insist on seeing your spiritual search as a
movie star's far-out, faddy recreation?
MACLAINE: It’s not esoteric, abstract or
inapplicable to everyday life. It’s not
inapplicable to politics or economics or
mental health. In fact, the opposite. It
speaks to materialism, death, the fear of
death, egalitarian reform, revolution, hu-
man change, successful family life, suc-
cessful interpersonal relationships. It’s an
applicable course of exploration. And
when you become more enlightened to the
possibilities of this notion that there is no
death—it’s a truth to me—it changes
everything.

PLAYBOY: But some people still will not
believe it.

MACLAINE: Well, everybody goes at his
own pace. What do people think happens
when you die? It gets back to that ques-
tion. When you die, is that all? If you
don’t die—that is, if the spirit lives eter-
nally—then there's a natural connection.
Іс easy for me to accept.

And, you know, you didn’t find those
hang-ups or defense mechanisms in Sadat,
Gandhi, Walesa, King. They are, to me,
the great leaders of the 20th Century. And
we always bemoan the fact that we don’t
have great leaders going for us today. It’s
because the people professing to be our
leaders don’t have that trust.

PLAYBOY: With the exception of Walesa,
the leaders you mentioned were killed.
MACLAINE: But you never really die. If
you really read Martin Luther King’s
writing—and I went to his library in
Atlanta and did, the handwritten stuff—
you'd see he was quoting Thoreau, Gan-
dhi. And Гуе read Gandhi and Sadat, and
all they talk about is that they don’t die. So
their knowledge makes them fearless and
makes them contribute in an altruistic
way. That’s real leadership.

PLAYBOY: They don’t care about geuing
killed?

MAC LAINE: I think they knew their deaths
would probably have as much meaning as
their lives.

PLAYBOY: Do you think John Lennon was
on the spiritual path?

MACLAINE: I don't think he was commit-
ted to the principles of nonviolence, no.
Not after what I heard about him on the
Sunset Boulevard.

PLAYBOY: That was at one point. But his
death elicited an incredible reaction.

MAC LAINE: Yes. People were resonating to
his inner understanding that he was part
of everything. That’s what his music was
about and what his role change with Yoko
was about. It was a graphic example that

there is no difference between male and
female. He was absolutely a spiritually
evolved person.

PLAYBOY: What did you feel when he was
shot?

MAC LAINE: The breath left me. I immedi-
ately wondered what karma was being
worked out with him and Mark David
Chapman. I understood that it wasn’t an
accident, that on a soul level, we all par-
ticipate in everything.

PLAYBOY: You knew President Kennedy.
Was he on the spiritual path?

MAC LAINE: Possibly. And at the end, that’s
possibly what pissed off whoever it was. I
believe one reason all those people were
assassinated was because it’s inevitable;
those are the people who are most effec-
tive. Which speaks to the importance
of the spiritual dimension. Someone had to
kill those people because they could really
move the world.

PLAYBOY: Would you say that again?
MAC LAINE: It was necessary to assassinate
them, which, to me, proves how important
they were.

PLAYBOY: So you're handing out a death
sentence to all enlightened leaders?

MAC LAINE: No. No one ever dies.
PLAYBOY: On a higher level, perhaps. But
we miss them here and now.

MAC LAINE: That upper level is the only
level. ‘Besides, Kennedy, for one, is not
dead. We resurrect him every year. We
have celebrations to him all the time. He
lives more now than if he had made a
botch of the White House. Sadat, too.
King. That’s the miracle of all this.
PLAYBOY: “All this." What is all this?
MAC LAINE: I believe the world is in a tran-
sitional period. We're slowly gliding into a
new dimension, actually vibrating on а
higher frequency. I've personally experi-
enced that. In the past three years, I've
been checking out these things that have
been happening to me with other people—
for example, flashes of intense heat that
bathed me in perspiration at the most
incongruous moments in the middle of
cold weather; a sense of clairvoyant im-
agery that turns out to be true the next
day; ESP, knowing someone who just
walked into a room somewhere is trying to
reach you and you pick up the phone and
call and he was. In fact, sometimes the
phone does not even ring. Almost involun-
tarily giving up meat. It’s happened to me
and many of my friends, some of whom
aren’t even aware of being on a spiritual
path. Those are the little clues that you get
along the way. Those who are not going
with this harmonious flow of the body’s
subatomic structure vibrating to a higher
frequency are getting sick. Dis-cased.
PLAYBOY: You seem to be saying you
believe that spirits are sort of amassing at
the dimensional border and vibrating us
toward them.

MAC LAINE: That's your imagery; but, yes,
let's put it that way. Yes. We're getting
help from everybody: spiritual guides and
teachers who are not in the body, extrater-

restrials, spacecrafis. And it’s all very sim-
ple—love and light.

PLAYBOY: Why us? Why now?

MAC LAINE: Because the earth needs help.
The earth needs to make this transition
into its new dimension: the age of light,
the age of Aquarius, the feminine age, the
right-brain hemisphere that responds to
the love intuition, the light intuition and
the principle of nourishment.

But I don’t view these times as calami-
tous or apocalyptic at all. It’s an opportu-
nity to know ourselves and others totally
in relation to the God, Love and Light
principle. We're being given the opportu-
nity to choose a path that recognizes that
there is no positive or negative, no good or
evil, just an "isness." We are all on Bucky
Fuller's Spaceship Earth and there aren't
just two points of view but six billion.
PLAYBOY: It seems that your message is
simply that peace on earth can be achieved
if individuals are open-minded enough to
be aware of their own enlightenment.
Why, then, haven’t you just emphasized
the message and left what many consider
to be the mumbo jumbo of UFOs, reincar-
nation, trance channeling and out-of-body
experiences behind?

MAC LAINE: Peace on earth is what moti-
vated my search in the first place. It
became clear to me about 15 years ago that
we had attended to the needs of the mind
and body but that the third dimension—
the spirit—was missing. And without it,
there is no way to effect peace. As for
concentrating on that and leaving the oth-
er stuff out—people just didn’t seem to be
listening. The basic message wasn’t get-
ting through. Most people are too afraid to
think that those things are possible, be-
cause one of the big things they’re afraid
of is dying. But people are less afraid to
talk now about what you call the mumbo
jumbo. If I could tell you the number of
people in this industry who’ve come up to
me and said, “Oh, my God, we've got to
get together and discuss it,” well—
PLAYBOY: Have you?

MAC LAINE: I have.

PLAYBOY: With whom?

MAC LAINE: John Travolta, Carol Burnett,
Marilu Henner. Many more in the enter-
tainment business who are less visible:
studio heads, bank presidents. I've gotten
letters from three Senators who agree with
everything I've been saying.

PLAYBOY: All right. But, as you said about
Brando, people are often more interested
in your work than in your beliefs. For
those who аге still a bit more earth-bound,
how about a final run-through of some of
the people you've known in this incarna-
tion? Would you give some quick, sponta-
neous reactions to a list of names?

MAC LAINE; ОК.

PLAYBOY: Jack Lemmon.

MAC LAINE: A tea party with my best aunt.
He felt like a close relative. [Pauses] Don’t
ask me to explain these.

PLAYBOY: Dean Martin.

MAC LAINE: A sandal in a piano that he

picks up, saying, “Was Victor Mature just
here?”

PLAYBOY: Alfred Hitchcock.

MAC LAINE: Lifting his leg to a rung of a
chair so fast for such a rotund little body.
PLAYBOY: Gloria Steinem.

MAC LAINE: Movie star.

PLAYBOY: Madam Chou En-lai

MAC LAINE: Crying and tears, because we
made a contact on a female level
PLAYBOY: Peter Sellers.

MAC LAINE: Past lives leaking through and
confusing him in this life.

PLAYBOY: William Peter Blatty—who re-
portedly used you as the role model for the
mother in The Exorcist.

MAC LAINE: Determined to institutionalize
evil.

PLAYBOY: John F. Kennedy.

MAC LAINE: Uncomfortable in a convert-
ible under a starlit night in California,
PLAYBOY: Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis.
MAC LAINE: An elevator opening in Berg-
dorf’s and her walking out and my not
realizing her eyes were that wide apart.
PLAYBOY: Frank Sinatra.

MAC LAINE: Vulnerable, moody, friendly.
PLAYBOY: Clint Eastwood.

MAC LAINE: Slugging his horse in the nose
because it wouldn’t obey and my saying,
“You must be a Republican.”

PLAYBOY: Nikita Khrushchev.

MAC LAINE: Lipset because 1 wore panties
in Can-Can instead of none.

PLAYBOY: Pete Hamill.

MAC LAINE: Brilliant wit. Caustic. Soft
hair.

PLAYBOY: Henry Kissinger.

MAC LAINE: The top half of his face saying
one thing, the bottom half saying some-
thing else.

PLAYBOY: Anne Bancroft.

MAC LAINE: Sophistication. One can never
be too thin.

PLAYBOY: Your daughter, Sachi.

MAC LAINE: Dandelions and daisies and
fresh, open fields

PLAYBOY: Oriana Fallaci

MAC LAINE: Self-destruction.

PLAYBOY: Jerry Lewis.

MAC LAINE: Sexy.

PLAYBOY: Marlon Brando.

MACLAINE: Unpredictable, emotional
reactions.

PLAYBOY: Debra Winger.

MAC LAINE: Curls bouncing around liquid,
dancing eyes, and she’s forgotten it.
PLAYBOY: Steve Parker.

MAC LAINE: Depth.

PLAYBOY: Early life in Hollywood.

MAC LAINE: А red Plymouth, blinding-
white sound-stage walls, sunlit white walls.
PLAYBOY: Warren Beatty.

MAC LAINE: Wait a second, now . . . trans-
lating life into folk art

PLAYBOY: Shirley MacLaine.

MAC LAINE: I see a photograph of her: head
up and eyes open, mouth agape—and iry-
ing to remember to shut her mouth.

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By JOHN GARDNER

i am his personal physician and i can tell you that
although he is melancholic, he is not—as some say—crazy

5 To Caesar’s health, there seems
to me no cause for alarm. The
symptoms you mention are, in-
deed, visible, though perhaps a
little theatricized by your in-
formant. Caesar has always
been a whirlwind of energy
and for that reason sub-
ject to nervous attacks, sudden tempers,
funks and so forth. When I was young, I
confidently put it down to excess of blood,
a condition complicated (said I) by power-
ful intermittent ejections of bile; but phle-
botomy agitates instead of quieting him,
sad to say (sad for my diagnosis), and his
habitual exhilaration, lately increased,
makes the bile hypothesis hogwash. I
speak lightly of these former opinions of
mine, but you can hardly imagine what
labor I’ve put into the study of this man,
scribbling, pondering, tabulating, while,
one after another, the chickens rise to con-
front a new day and my candles gutter out.
All to no avail, but pride's for people with
good digestion. I bungle along, putting ир
with myself as best I can. (You'll forgive а
little honest whining.) No man of science
was ever presented with a puzzle more
perplexing and vexatious than this
Caesar, or with richer opportunity for
observing the subject of his inquiry. He’s
interested in my work—in fact, follows it
closely. He allows me to sit at his elbow or
tag along wherever I please—an amusing
spectacle, Caesar striding like a lion down
some corridor, white toga flying, his
black-robed physician leaping along like a
spasm behind him on one good leg, one
withered one.

In any event, at the age of 55, his ani-
mal spirits have never been more vigorous.
He regularly dictates to four scribes at a
time—jabber, jabber, jabber, sentences
crackling like lightning in a haystack, all

of his letters of the greatest importance to
the state. Between sentences, to distract his
impatience, he reads from a book. Or so
he'd have us think, and I'm gullible. It
saves time, I find, and in the end makes no
big difference. His baldness more annoys
him, it seems to me, than all the plots of
the senators. For years, as you know, he
combed his straggling blond hairs straight
forward, and nothing pleased him more
than the people’s decision to award him
the crown of laurel, which he now wears
everywhere except, I think, to bed. A fee-
ble ruse and a delight to us all. The
reflected light of his bald pate glows like a
sun on the senate-chamber ceiling.

His nervous energy is not significantly
increased, I think, from the days when 1
first knew him, many years ago, in Gaul. I
was transferred to the legion for some dis-
service to the state—monumental, I’m
sure, but it’s been 35 years, and I’ve told
the story so many times, in so many slyly
self-congratulating versions, that by now
I’ve forgotten the truth of it. I was glad of
the transfer. 1 was a sea doctor before. I
don’t mind telling you, water scares the
pants off me.

I remember my first days with Caesar

John Gordner hod just begun 10 токе
minor revisions in this story for Piavsov
when he wos killed in о motorcycle
occident on September 14, 1982. It is
published here exoctly os Gordner
originolly wrote it, ond olthough it
stonds on its own, one foct thot moy
help reoders is thot Coesor's “folling
sickness” epilepsy, оп illness
whose symptoms con resemble the
convulsions suffered by the werewolf.
Gordner dedicoted the story "to liz.” |

wos

ILLUSTRATION BY BRUCE WOLFE

clear as crystal. He struck me at once as
singular almost to the point of freakish-
ness. He was taller than other men,
curiously black-eyed and blond-headed,
like two beings in one body. But what
struck me most was his speed, both physi-
cal and mental. He could outrun a deer,
outthink every enemy he met—and he
was, besides, very strong. We all knew
why he fought so brilliantly. He was
guilty of crimes so numerous, back in
Rome, from theft to assault to suspicion of
treason, that he couldn’t afford to return
there as a common citizen. (It was true of
most of us, but Caesar was the worst.) By
glorious victories, he could win public
honors and appointments and, thus, stand
above the law, or at least above its meanest
kick. Whatever his reasons—this I have to
give to him—no man in history, so far as
it’s recorded, ever fought with such effec-
tiveness and passion or won such unshak-
able, blind-pig devotion from his men. He
was not then the strategist he later
became, killing а few left-handed and
blindfolded, then persuading the rest to
surrender and accept Roman citizenship.
In those days, he painted the valleys red,
weighed down the trees with hanging
men, made the rivers run sluggish with
corpses. He was always in the thick of it,
like a rabid bitch, luring and slaughtering
seven at a time. His body, it seems to me,
runs by nature at an accelerated tempo:
His sword moves much faster than a nor-
mal man’s. And he’s untiring. At the end
of a 12 hour day's forced march, when the
whole encampment was finally asleep, he
used to pace like a half-starved jaguar in
his tent or sit with a small fish-oil lamp,
writing verse. I wonder if he may not have
some unknown substance in common with
the violent little flea

Through all his wars, Caesar fought

like a man unhinged, but I give you my
word, he’s not crazy. He has the falling
sickness, as you know. A damned nui-
sance but, for all the talk, nothing
more. АП his muscles go violent, break-
ing free of his will, and he has a sudden,
vividly real sense of falling into the
deepest abyss, a fall that seems certain
never to end, and no matter what serv-
ants or friends press around him (he’s
dimly aware of presences, he says),
there's no one, nothing, he can reach
out to. From an outward point of view,
he's unconscious at these times, flailing,
writhing, snapping his tecth, dark cyes
bulging and rolling out of sight, exud-
ing a flood of oily tears; but from what
he reports, I would say he is not uncon-
scious but in some way transformed, as
if seized for the moment by the laws of.
a different set of gods. (I mean, of
course, “forces” or “biological con-
straints.”)

No doubt it adds to the pressure on
him that he’s a creature full of pangs
and contradictions. Once, in Gaul, we
were surprised by an ambush. We had
moved for days through dangerous, twi-
lit forest and had come, with relief, to
an area of endless yellow meadow,
where the grass reached only to our
knees, so that we thought we were safe.
Suddenly, out of the grass all around us
leaped an army of women. Caesar
cried, “Save yourselves! We're not in
Gaul to butcher females!” In the end,
we killed them all. (I, as Caesar's physi-
cian, killed no one.) I trace Caesar’s
melancholy streak to that incident. He
became, thereafter, moody and uneasy,
praying more than necessary and some-
times pausing abruptly to glance all
around him, though not a shadow had
stirred. It was not the surprise of the
ambush, I think. We'd been surprised
before. The enemy was young and
naked ezcept for weapons and armor,
and they were singularly stubborn:
They gave us no choice but to kill
them. I watched Caesar himself cut one
in hall, moving his sword more slowly
than usual and staring fixedly at her
face.

The melancholy streak has been
darkened, in my opinion, by his years
in Rome. His work load would rattle a
stone Apollo—hundreds of letters to
write every day, lines of suppliants
stretching half a mile, each with his
grievance large or small and his absurd,
ancient right to spit softly into Caesar's
ear—not to mention the foolish dis-
putes brought in to him for settlement.
Some starving scoundrel steals another
scoundrel’s newly stolen pig, the whole
ramshackle slum is up in arms, and for
the public good the centurions bring all
parties before Caesar. Hours pass,
lamps are lit, accuser and denier rant
on, banging tables, giving the air fierce

kicks by way of warning. Surely a man
of ordinary tolerance would go mad—
or go to sleep. Not our Caesar. Hc lis-
tens with the look of a man watching
elderly people eat, then eventually
points to one or the other or both dis-
putants, which means the person's to be
dragged away for hanging, and then,
with oddly meticulous care, one hand
over his еуез, he dictates to a scribe the
details of the case and his dispensation,
with all his reasonings. *Admit the
next," he says, and folds his hands.
And these are mere gnats before the
hurricane. He's responsible, as they say
when they're giving him some medal,
for the orderly operation of the largest,
richest, most powerful empire the
world has ever known. He must rule
the senate, with all its constipated,
red-nosed, wheezing factions—every
bleary cye out for insult or injury,
every liver-spotted hand half closed
around a dagger. And he must show at
least some semblance of interest in the
games, escape for the bloodthirst of the
citizenry. He watches the kills, man or
lion or whatever, without a sign of
emotion, but Рт onto him. He makes
me think of my days at sea, that still,
perfect weather before a plank buster.
All this work he does without a parti-
cle of help, not а single assistant cxcept
the four or five scribes who take dicta-
tion and the slave who brings him
parchment, ink and fresh oil or san-
dals—unless one counts, as I suppose
one must, Marc Antony: a loyal friend
and willing drudge but, as all Rome
knows, weak as parsley. (He’s grown fat
here in the city and even less decisive
than he was on the battlefield. Pve
watched him trying to frame letters for
Caesar, tugging his jaw over decisions
Caesar would make instantly.) In short,
the life of a Caesar is donkeywork and
unquestionably dangerous to health.
Pve warned and warned him. He lis-
tens with the keenest interest, but he
makes no changes. His wary glances to
left and right become more frequent,
more noticeable and odd. He has pain-
ful headaches, especially at executions,
and now and then he sleepwalks, look-
ing for something under benches and in
every low cupboard. I find his heart-
beat irregular, sometimes wildly rush-
ing, sometimes all but turning around
and walking backward, as if he were
both in a frenzy and mortally bored.
Some blame the death of his daugh-
ter for all this. I'm dubious, though not
beyond persuasion. That Julia was dear
to his heart I don't deny. When she was
well, he was off with her every after-
noon hc could stcal from Rome’s busi-
ness, teaching her to ride, walking the
hills with her, telling her fairy tales of
gods disguised as people or people
transformed into celestial constellations

PLAYBOY

or, occasionally—the thing she liked best,
of course—recounting his adventures. I
remember how the girl used to gaze at him
such times, elbows on her knees, hands on
her cheeks, soft, pale hair cascading over
her shoulders and down her long back—it
made me think of those beautiful altar-lit
statues in houses of prostitution. (I mean
no offense. Old men are by nature prone
to nastiness.) She was an intelligent girl,
always pursing her lips and frowning,
preparing to say, “Tut, tut.” He taught
her knots and beltwork and the nicer
of the soldiers’ songs, even taught her his
special tricks of swordsmanship—because
she nagged him to it (you know how
daughters are)—and, for all I know, the
subtleties of planning a campaign against
India and China. I never saw a father
more filled with woe than Caesar when
the sickness first invaded her. He would
rush up and down, far into the night (I
never saw him take even a nap through all
that period), and he was blistering to even
the most bent-backed, senile and danger-
ous senators, to say nothing of whiny sup-
pliants and his poor silent wife. His poems
took an ugly turn—much talk of quick-
sand and maws and the like—and the bills
he proposed before the senate weren’t
much prettier; and then there was the
business with the gladiators. But when
Julia died, he kissed her waxy forehead
and left the room and, so far as one could
see, that was that. After the great funeral
so grumbled about in certain quarters,
he seemed much the same man he'd
seemed before, not just externally but also
internally, so far as my science could
reach. His blood was very dark but, for
him, normal; his stools were ordinary; his
seizures no more tedious than usual.

So what can have brought on this
change you inquire of and find so disturb-
ing—as do I, of course? (At my age, noth-
g's as terrible as might have been
expected.) I have a guess I might offer, but
it's so crackpot I think Pd rather sit on it.
ГЇЇ narrate the circumstances that prompt
it; you can draw your own conclusions.

Some days ago, March first, shortly
after nightfall, as I was washing out my
underthings and fixing myself for bed, two
messengers appeared at my door with the
request—polite but very firm—that I at
once get back into my clothes and go to
Caesar. I naturally—afier some perfunc-
tory sniveling—obeyed. 1 found the great
man alone in his chamber, staring out
the one high window that overlooks the
city. It was a fine scene, acted with great
dignity, if you favor that sort of thing.
He did not turn at our entrance, though
only a man very deep in thought could
have failed to notice the brightness of the
torches as their light set fire to the wide
marble floor with inlay of gold and
quartz. We waited. It was obvious that
something was afoot. I was on guard.

Nothing interests Caesar, I’ve learned, but
Caesar. Full-scale invasion of the Em-
pire’s borders would not rouse in him this
banked fire of restlessness—fierce playful-
ness, almost—except insofar as its repul-
sion might catch him more honor. There
was a scent in the room, the smell of an
animal, I thought at first, then corrected
myself: a blood smell. “Show him,” Cae-
sar said quietly, still not turning.

1 craned about and saw, even before my
guides had inclined their torches in that
direction, that on the high marble table at
the far end of the room some large, wet,
misshapen object had been placed, then
blanketed. I knew instantly what it was, to
tell the truth, and my eyes widened. They
have other doctors; it was the middle of the
night! I have bladder infections and pros-
tate trouble; I can hardly move my bowels
without a clyster! When the heavy brown
cloth was solemnly drawn away, I saw
that Га guessed right. It was, ог had once
been, a tall, bronze-skinned man, a slave,
probably rich and admired in whatever
country he’d been dragged from. His
knees were drawn up nearly to his pecto-
rals and his head rolled out oddly, almost
severed at the neck. One could guess his
stature only from the length of his arms
and the shiny span exposed, caked with
blood, from knee to foot. One ear had been
partially chewed away.

“What do you make of it?” Caesar
asked. 1 heard him coming toward me on
those dangerous, swift feet, then heard
him turn, pivoting on one hissing sandal,
moving back quickly toward the window.
І could imagine his nervous, impatient
gestures, though I did not look: gestures of
a man angrily talking to himself, bullying,
negotiating—rapidly opening and closing
his fists or restlessly flipping his right
hand, like a sailor paying out coil after coil
of line.

“Dogs—” I began

“Not dogs,” he said sharply, almost
before T'd spoken. I felt myself grow
smaller, the sensation in my exiremities
shrinking toward my heart. 1 put on my
mincing, poor-old-man expression and
pulled at my beard, then reached out gin-
gerly to move the head, examining more
closely the clotted ganglia where the tho-
rax had been torn away. Whatever had
killed him had done him a kindness. He
was abscessed from the thyroid to the vena
cava superior. When 1 looked over at Cae-
sar, he was back at the window, motion-
less again, the muscles of his arm and
shoulder swollen as if clamping in rage.
Beyond his head, the night had grown
dark. It had been clear, earlier, with a
fine, full moon; now it was heavily over-
cast and oppressive—no stars, no moon,
only the lurid glow, here and there, of a
torch. In the light of the torches the mes-
sengers held, one on each side of me, Cae-
sar's eyes gleamed, intently watching.

“Wolves,” I said, with conviction.

He turned, snapped his fingers several
times in quick succession—in the high,
stone room, it was like the sound of a man
clapping—and almost the same instant, a
centurion entered, leading a girl. Before
she was through the archway, she was
down on her knees, scrambling toward
Caesar as if to kiss his toes and ankles
before he could behead her. Obviously, she
did not know his feeling of tenderness,
almost piety, toward young women. At
her approach Caesar turned his back to
the window and raised his hands, as if to
ward her off. The centurion, a young man
with blue eyes, like a German’s, jerked at
her wrist and stopped her. Almost gently,
the young man put his free hand into her
hair and tipped her face up. She was per-
haps 16, a thin girl with large, dark, flash-
ing eyes full of fear.

Caesar said, never taking his gaze from
her, “This young woman says the wolf
was a man.”

1 considered for a moment, only for po-
liteness. “Not possible,” I said. I limped
nearer to them, bending for a closer look at
the girl. If she was insane, she showed
none of the usual signs—depressed tem-
ples, coated tongue, anemia, inappropriate
smiles and gestures. She was not a slave,
like the corpse on the table—nor of his
race, either. Because of her foreignness, I
coulén't judge what her class was, except
that she was a commoner. She rolled her
eyes toward me, a plea like a dog's. It was
hard to believe that her terror was entirely
an effect of her audience with Caesar.

Caesar said, “The Goths have legends,
doctor, about men who at certain times
turn into wolves."

“Ah,” I said, noncommittal.

He shifted his gaze to meet mine, little
fires in his pupils. 1 shrank from him—
visibly, no doubt. Nothing is stupider or
more dangerous than toying with Caesar's
intelligence. But he restrained himself.
"AR"? he mimicked with awful scorn
and, for an instant, smiled. He looked
back at the girl, then away again at once;
then he strode over to the corpse and stood
with his back to me, staring down at it, or
into it, as if hunting for its soul, his fists
rigid on his hips to keep his fingers from
drumming. “You know а good deal, old
friend,” he said, apparently addressing
myself, not the corpse. “But possibly not
everything!” He raised his right arm,
making purposely awkward loops in the
air with his hand, and rolled his eyes at
me, grinning with what might have been
malice, except that he’s above that. Imper-
sonal rage at a universe too slow for him.
He said, “Perhaps, flopping up and down
through the world like a great, clumsy bat,
trying to spy out the secrets of the gods,
you miss a few things? Some little trifle
here or there?"

I said nothing, merely pressed my hum-
ble palms together. To make perfectly

(continued on page 86)

“Jeanette has been showing me her garden, Bert. She
certainly has a green thumb, doesn’t she?”

Re-creating for млүвоү her dual rale os Margaret (tap)
end the andragynaus Jimmy (abave), a herain addict
making his fashian statement as а David Bawie laak-alike,
Anne appraved the results: “The make-up is better than
it was in the film, mare colarful, jewellike.” Onscreen,
both characters merge after a carnal clase encounter that
vaporizes Jimmy and prepares Margaret for her final
ascent inta auter space aboard a flying saucer. Hmmm

MAR ano MAKE-UP BY MARCEL FIVE
жон FROM LIGHT ANO SPACE DEBIGN. CHICAGO.

"liquid sky’s” spectacular anne carlisle,
a bisexual smash on the cult-film circuit, offers
some new wave words and pictures

text by BRUCE WILLIAMSON

T FIRST GLANCE, you
can’t quite believe
= that the tawny,

long-legged beauty in front

of you is the same Anne

Carlisle who portrays both

Margaret and Jimmy in the

freaky, phenomenal Liquid

Sky. The real-life Carlisle

has a Park Avenue air and

totes a chic outsized carry-

all, looking more like a

Ford model than like a far-

out underground super-

star. Anne, it turns out, fits

both descriptions. She's a

cultural chameleon with

1001 ideas about identity,

happy to be registered at

Ford, even happier about

her current celebrity as a

punky New Wave Manhat-

tan model whose’ sexual
partners are zapped into
the cosmos the instant they
reach orgasm. “People are
disappointed sometimes,
especially kids їп the
street,” she says. They've
seen Liquid Sky, then they
see me and can't believe

Im not Margaret, even

though I look very different

from that."

Anne in person is a bona
fide Connecticut Yankee,
born and bred in exurbia,
according to some thumb-
nail biographers, to re-
spectable Republican
parents. An OK descrip-
tion, according to Anne
herself, “if you want to be
really simplistic about it
Her folks now live in Flori-
da. Carlisle pere works for
the county, her mother’s in
college administration and
they're both evidently
crazy about Liquid Sky.
“They have video parties
(text concluded on page 182)

ith
I * a
oes $
TO ‹
s 8
.: .
" “
П! “
в
sù Е

ee eee QUEUE Ка decente PRE: Sheppard, obove left) ond о former teacher
(Bab Brody, obove center, once Anne's real-life droma coach). Above right, New Wave model Margoret is spiked up for a photo session. Below,
inge e en o езй rection: Ares deere repre Toren sommes: ресе very nice, Sa ite тудо Oe зеке

PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD FEGLEY

Playing a variety of characters is the essence of acting for Anne. Sa ptavsoy let her imagination run free for the shats on these
and the following pages. As the lady in black—and out of it—photographed in an ornate monsion (oppasite), she personifies
“о wealthy, bored womon, o little decodent and in o rother rondy mood.” Above, Anne gets provocotive with o marble imp.

Lip service is reciprocal for milody ond the imp
(below). But Liquid Sky's bright stor found o vin-
tage doll (above) even more exotic: “I visualize | |
it changing into a person [opposite], like | |
characters you give birth to who toke you over." |

merr

PLAYBOY

JULIUS CAESAR (continued tom page im

“Caesar swept his arm toward the girl. She looked,
cowering, from one to the other of us.”

clear my dutiful devotion, I limped over to
stand at his side, looking with him, grave-
ly, at the body. Moving the leg—there was
as yet no rigor mortis—I saw that the body
had been partly disemboweled. The spleen
was untouched in the intestinal disarray;
the liver was nowhere to be seen. I could
feel the girl's eyes on my back. Caesar's
smile was gone now, hovering just below
the surface. He had his hand on the dead
man's foot, touching it as if to see if bones
were broken or as if the man were a
friend, a fellow warrior.

He lowered his voice. “This isn't the
first,” he said. “We've kept the matter
quiet, but it's been happening for
months." His right hand moved out like a
stealthy animal, anticipating his thought.
His voice grew poetic. (It was a bad idea,
that laurel crown.) “А sudden black shad-
ow, a cry out of the darkness, and in the
morning—in some alley or in the middle
of a field or huddled against some rotting
door in the tanners’ district—a corpse
ripped and mauled past recognition. The
victims aren't children, doctor; they're
grown men, sometimes women." He
frowned. The next instant, his expression
became unreadable, as if he were mentally
reaching back, abandoning present time,
this present body. Six, maybe seven heart-
beats passed; and then, just as suddenly,
he was here with us agair, leaning toward
me, oddly smiling. “And then tonight,” he
said, “this treasure!” With a gesture wild-
ly theatrical—I saw myself at the far end
of the forum, at the great door where the
commoners peer in—he swept his arm
toward the girl. She looked, cowering,
from one to the other of us, then up at the
soldier.

Caesar crossed to her; I followed part
way. “He was half man, half wolf; is that
your story?” He bent over her, pressing
his hands to his knees as he asked it.
Clearly he meant to seem fatherly, but his
body was all iron, the muscles of his
shoulders and arms locked and huge.

After a moment, she nodded.

“He wore clothes like a man?”

Again she nodded, this time looking
warily at me. She had extraordinary eyes,
glistening, dark, bottomless and very
large, perhaps the first sympiom of a
developing exophthalmic goiter.

Caesar straightened up and turned to
the centurion. *And what was this young
woman doing when you found her?”

“Dragging the body, sir.” One side of
his mouth moved, the faintest suggestion
of a smile. “It appeared to us she was
hiding it”

Now Caesar turned to me, his head
inclined to one side, like a lawyer in court.
“And why would she be doing that?”

At last the girl’s terror was explicable.

I admired the girl for not resisting us.
She knew, no doubt—all Romans know—
that torture can work wonders. Although
Ive never been an optimist, I like to
believe it was not fear of torture that per-
suaded her but the certain knowledge that
whatever sufferings she might put herself
through, she would in the end do as we
wished. She had a curious elegance for a
girl of her station. Although she walked
head ducked forward, as all such people
do, and although her gait was odd—long
strides, feet striking flat, like an Egyp-
tian’s—her face showed the composure
and fixed resolve one sometimes sees on
statues, perhaps some vengeful, endlessly
patient Diana flanked by her hounds.
Although one of the centurions in our
company held the girl’s elbow, there
scemed no risk that she would try to run
away. Caesar, wearing a dark hood and
mantle now, kept even with her or some-
times moved a little ahead in his impa-
tience. The three other centurions and I
came behind, I in great discomfort, winc-
ing massively at every right-foot lurch but,
for all that, watching everything around
me, especially the girl, with sharp ацеп-
tion. It grew darker and quieter as we
descended into the slums. The sky was
still overcast, so heavily blanketed one
couldn’t even guess in which part of
the night the moon hung. Now and then,
like some mysterious pain, lightning
would bloom and move deep in the clouds,
giving them features and shapes for a
moment, and we'd hear a low rumble;
then blackness would close on us deeper
than before. The girl, too, seemed to
mind the darkness. Every so often, as we
circled downward, I would see her lift and
шгп her head, as if she were ying to find
her bearings.

No one was about. Nothing moved
except now and then a rat researching
garbage or scampering along a gutter, or a
chicken stirring in its coop as we passed,
its spirit troubled by bad dreams. In this
part of town, there were no candles, much
less torches—and just as well: The whole
section was a tinderbox. The buildings
were three and four stories high, leaning
out drunkenly over the street or against
one another like beggars outside a temple,
black, rotten wood that went shiny as
intestines when the lightning glowed,
walls patched with hides and daubs of

mud, straw and rotten hay packed in
tightly at the crooked foundations. The
only water was the water in the sireets or
in the river invisible in the darkness below
us, poisonously inching under bridge after
bridge toward the sea. When I looked
back up the hill between lightning blooms,
T could no longer make out so much as an
arch of Caesar’s palace or the firm, white
mansions of the rich—only a smoky lumi-
nosity red under the clouds. The street
was airless, heavy with the smell of dead
things and urine. Every door and shutter
was unhealthily closed tight.

We progressed more slowly now, barely
able to see one another. I cannot say what
we were walking on; it was slippery and
gave underfoot. I was feeling cross at Сае-
sar’s refusal to use torches; but he was the
crafty old warrior, not I. Once, with a
clatter I at first mistook for thunder, some
large thing rushed across the street in
front of us, out of darkness and in again—
a man, a donkey, some rackety demon—
and we all stopped. No one spoke; then
Caesar laughed. We resumed our walk.

Minutes later, the girl stopped without
a word. We had arrived.

The man was old. He might have been
sitting there, behind his table in the dark,
for centuries. It was not dark now. As soon
as the hide door was tightly closed, Caesar
had tipped back his hood, reached into his
cloak past his heavy iron sword and
brought out candles, which he gave to two
centurions to light and hold; the room was
far too confined for torches. The other two
centurions waited outside; even so, there
was not much room. The man behind the
table was bearded, not like a physician but
like а foreigner—a great white-silver
beard that flicked out like fire in all direc-
tions. His hair was long, unkempt, his
eyebrows bushy; his blurry eyes peered
out as if from deep in a cave. Purple
bruises fell in chevrons from just under his
eyes into his mustache. If he was surprised
or alarmed, he showed no sign, merely
sat—stocky, firmly planted—behind his
square table, staring straight ahead, not
visibly breathing, like a man waiting in
the underworld. The girl sat on a low
stool, her back against the wall, between
her father and the rest of us. She gazed at
her knees in silence. Her face was like that
of an actress awaiting her entrance, in-
tensely alive, showing no expression

The apartment, we saw as the light
seeped into it, was a riddle. Although in
the poorest section of the city, it held a
clutter of books, and the furniture, though
sparse, was elaborately carved and solid; it
would bring a good price in the markets
that specialize in things outlandish. Herbs
hung from the rafters, only a few of them
known to me. Clearly it wasn’t poverty or
common ignorance that had brought these
people here. Something troubled my nos-
trils, making the hair on the back of my

(continued on page 174)

FE RAUL

"I had a great time, Babs. I didn’t meet any movie stars, but

I spent a hell of a night with a Hollywood stunt man.” =

many males today confess to а feeling of sexual detachment—
and the reasons are as complex as the circuitry involved

FRIGID

article By CRAIG VETTER

“WELL,” SHE SAID, and when this particular
woman talks, she aims her big blue eyes
right at you, “if you’re going to publish an
article about frigid women, don’t you think
you probably ought to do one about frigid
men? There are plenty of them out there.”

And because the man she was throwing
cocktail-party mumblety-peg with is the
Editorial Director of this magazine, and
since he is a mumblety-peg player from
way back in the Bronx, where you had to
be able to stick those little knives into curb-
stone, he said, “You’re on.”

When they asked me if I wanted to take a
slash at the story, I had a small knee-jerk
moment in which I thought, Why the hell
you come around here asking me about a

subject like that? But it was a small
moment. Truth is, I was a pretty good can-
didate for the work. Nobody could have
fried any eggs on the hood of my libido in
the past couple of years. I wouldn’t have
called myself frigid. The machinery of the
whole thing hadn’t seized up on me or any-
thing. Pd had that happen once or twice in
my life, but there always seemed to be good
reasons for it. Like the afternoon that Chi-
cago girl got her pants down just far
enough for me to read PROPERTY OF THE OUT-
Laws tattooed on her 23-year-old ass. Even
the man with no brain recognizes the horri-
ble promise of romping around in territory
that’s been posted by motorcycle hood-
Jums, and such failures of the flesh never

к>,

ILLUSTRATION BY SEYMOUR CHWAST

PLAYBOY

bothered me much or for long. But the
zone I was in wasn’t a matter of machine
failure. It was more a mood that resem-
bled weather, the kind of weather that
keeps you indoors: ground fog, low clouds,
muggy chill and drizzle. Something be-
tween me and women had cooled sexually,
and if you wanted to extend the definition
of frigid into those more subtle corners—
“Yes,” they said, “we do”—then OK.

When I tried to round up the reasons
for my cool, they amounted to a hopelessly
confused rabble of maybes: my age, 41; the
collapse of a second marriage a couple of
years ago; alcohol; the threat of entangle-
ment; the specter of herpes; the merciless
rain of feminine anger that had been fall-
ing over the past ten years or so; the re-
lentless scramble of trying to make а
decent living in these greedy times; the
notion that when I did get into bed with
someone, my performance was going to be
rated the way they rate divers and gym-
nasts and ice skaters.

It was a list that added up to no sum I
could deal with, so finally I lumped all of
it into a metaphor I liked: the tango, dance
of love, dance of sex, where the man seems
to lead, the woman seems to follow, but
finally the two are so close that lead and
follow are one thing, a highly stylized,
sensuous agreement of bodies and spirits
that is the essence of dance when it works.
When it doesn’t, when the will or focus is
lost for even a second, it’s Laurel and Har-
dy trying to paint out of the same bucket.

Somehow, lately, the juice had gone out
of the tango for me; the steps had been
lost and it had become a pathetic exercise
that finally left me and my would-be part-
ners in separate dressing rooms, bleeding
and fuming and throwing our fancy shoes
at our reflections in the mirrors.

I didn’t seem to be alone in my frustra-
tion, either. As I looked around the dance
floor, it was pretty empty out there, with
the men collected against one wall, talking
business and baseball, and the women col-
lected against another, talking business
and whatever else they talk about. Frigid
men, for one thing.

For the most part, men don’t talk with
one another about particular sexual expe-
riences. Women think they do, but they
don’t, except maybe for the worst of the
locker-room meatheads, and they're al-
most always terrible liars. Women do talk
about their sex lives. Oh, how they talk.
Grisly play-by-play stuff. “Honey,” а 29-
year-old Manhattan secretary told me,
“you make love to me tonight, and tomor-
row I guarantee my girlfriends are gonna
know every wrinkle on your thing.”

That pretty much says it, and it got a
nervous laugh out of me, which the lady
noticed; and for the next few minutes over
our lunch, I could see her trying to decide
whether or not to let me in on what she
knew. Women may talk with one another,

but they almost never talk with men about
these things, and they have their reasons.
Every woman I interviewed held me in a
shadow of mistrust and small talk for at
least a while before the real dirt got
dished. Women want to trust men, but
they can’t. They know we are torn up and
angry over the abuse we've taken, and
they worry about retaliation. Men tend
to take this sort of information badly,
and this guy who says he’s writing about
frigid men could be getting ready to jump
up and blame ball-busting women for the
whole mess, couldn’t he? In any case, it
was hard for them to believe that men and
their much-vaunted egos would ever relax
enough to admit their fair part in what-
ever had put the situation in rags.

Of course, I was telling them to be
tough and honest, because nothing else is
interesting. And I was promising the usual
journalistic false mustaches and beards,
new towns, new identities, the way the
FBI does with high-level rats, so that
nothing I wrote could ever come around to
collect from them. Still they hesitated.
Men don’t want to hear these things, one
of them told me. Of course they don’t and
of course they do, I said.

All of them talked with me finally, most
of them with an I'm-gonna-hate-myself-
in-the-morning moment in there some-
where. And at least two of them woke up
badly hung over with worry. One of them
phoned me several weeks after our conver-
sation to say she’d heard through friends
of friends that I was busy putting together
а nice little hatchet job on women and that
she damn well hoped that wasn’t true. It’s
not, I told her. Another wrote me a short
note saying that everything she'd said to
me was off the record. I didn’t answer that
one, because I had bad news for her: All
writers are monsters.

Jan DeLeon and I had a few drinks in
the grand lobby bar of the Mark Hopkins
in San Francisco. She had on a medium-
long pleated skirt and a shiny blouse with
а Ворру bow at the neck. She was coming
from work, a fast-lane, big-money job in
which she worked and competed mostly
with men. Around 30, beautiful green
eyes, a delicate face that needed no make-
up and that took its fash from a head of
careless light-red hair. There was a prac-
ticed sort of girlishness to all of it, but she
walked with a stride and talked with a
confidence that said girlishness was not at
the heart of her game.

"The first thing she told me was that she
thought PLAYBOY had missed a chance to
teach a whole generation of men how to be
romantic, which seemed to her pretty
much a lost art. It came down to the differ-
ence between fucking and making love,
she said, and any man who understood
how to be romantic could do with a small
picklock what others smash windows and
splinter doors trying to accomplish. David,

the guy she wanted to tell me about,
understood that, which was why she got so
excited about their affair and also why she
missed the signs—such as his Don Juan
reputation—that they were headed for an
arctic sort of calamity.

They met at a business cocktail party.
He was 37, never married and the owner
of a rich little operation that kept him on
the road to the Far East a lot of the time.
‘That night, they threw a few low sparks at
each other, and a week later Jan made the
move, in the guise of business entertain-
ment. Dinner, and he had tickets to the
symphony, it turned out. A great evening,
perfect chemistry, pure Vivaldi, she said.
He picked up the tab, then they had the
two-taxis-or-one discussion. They shared
‘one to the curb in front of her place. Shook
hands. All business. But then he kissed
her. “A highly personal kiss,” she said.
‘Then, after he’d watched the doorman let
her in, he left.

“I was flying,” she said; and even when
she tells the story, she does a little flying.
“Не said he'd call the next day, and he
did” He was on his way to Japan for
three weeks, but he asked if she'd go out
with him when he got home. Very roman-
tic to ask that far in advance, she told me.
He called her on his way back, from the
airport in Hawaii, to confirm. “Flying,”
she said again.

Business didn’t come up at dinner this
time. They talked and flirted as if some-
thing were in their drinks. And this night,
when the taxi stopped at her door, both of
them got out. They started their lovemak-
ing on her couch, clothes on, tender, no-
hurry stuff with lots of kissing. Then he
looked at his watch. Tired from the wip,
he said. She understood. They made an-
other date, kissed good night and he left.

Jan said that by this point, the anticipa-
tion was beautifully excruciating. Every-
thing about this guy was right. He was
intelligent, good-looking, romantic, he had
money and charm, a ton of charm. In fact,
he was straight out of one of those
romance novels that Rosemary Rogers
and Danielle Steele thump out, which,
Jan confessed, she read by the dozens. She
called them “class trash.”

On the third date, they wandered the
city—Coit Tower, North Beach for some
drinks, Washington Square—just holding
hands, laughing at their own good luck.
Finally, a cab to his place, to his couch.
Soon enough, his clothes were in a heap
on the living-room rug; then, one piece at
a time, he put hers in the same place and
then led her into his bedroom. Cold sheets,
warm flesh. Then. . . . “Disaster,” she told
me. “He lost it just like that. I’m still not
sure what happened. I think maybe he
came early, because when I reached down
to fondle him, he pushed my hand away as
if he were tender. I tried to talk to him
about it. No big deal, I said. He blamed

(continued on page 94)

slim his chest. Last, Belushi slipped into a dinner jacket with peak
lapels and vertical-striped trousers that made his legs long and
lean. His comment, when he dropped by and we showed him
these pictures: “Hey, guys, I look hot! You captured meeece."

Left: Party time, anyane? Yes, that's Belushi in same casual garb that i

cludes an alpaca/silk/linen pullaver, about $365, and a crew-neck, about
$240, bath by Gunter Maislinger; plus leather slacks, by Geoff Williams
for Stratége/Paur Le Sport, about $175; and laafers, by Susan Bennis/
Warren Edwards, $295. (The lady's autfit is by Anne Pinkertan and
Nuance.) Belaw: Yesterday, a pirate captain; taday, a captain of industry
in a suit, by Christian Diar Grand Luxe, $545; shirt, $85, and silk ti

$43, both by Alexander Julian; belt, by Jeff Degan Designs, abaut $200;
and pocket square, by Shady Character, $6. (Her dress is by Adrienne
Vittadini.) Right: Belushi’s farmal night moves include a dinner jacket, by
Bill Blass far After Six, about $320; striped trausers, fram The Robert
Wagner Callectian by Raffinati, $75; formal shirt, by Rick Pallack, $60;
cummerbund, abaut $75, and bow tie, about $25, both by Ermenegildo
Zegna; and studs, from Sointu, $110. (The lady's fur by Ervin Rasenfeld
for Szar-Diener; dress by Janathan Hitchcack for Reuben Thomas.)

ALL THE LADY'S JEWELRY IS FROM GINDI, NEW YORK CITY

PHOTOGRAPHY BY GORDON MUNRO

wii |
TM

PLAYBOY

FRIGID MEN

(continued from page 90)

“I pity his buit, because there are moments when a

woman can destroy a man for life.

2»

the alcohol, but I could feel walls going
up. Then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Ilay there thinking, OK, Jan, how are we
going to handle this one? I was annoyed
that he wouldn't talk about it, but I told
myself to be calm. This guy was otherwise
wonderful, and I really wanted it to work
for us. There was no lovemaking in the
morning, though. He showered and threw
me a robe."

David traveled again, so their next date
was two weeks later. This night, they
started on the couch again, and when Jan
went down on him, he came exactly as her
lips touched him, and at that moment she
delivered on a male fear so ancient and
terrible that it isn't hard to imagine the
same souné rising up from Delilah's tent
and from tents and lean-tos going back
before fire. She laughed.

I winced when she told me that, and she
winced, too. “I know, I know,” she said,
shaking her head and gritting her teeth. It
had been a nervous laugh, a combination
of shock, frustration and disbelief.

“That’s a hell of a response,” David
said.

“You surprised me,” she said, but she
was thinking, Don Juan my ass. This man
has problems.

They went to bed after that, and he
played with her. “It was awful,” she said.
“He was not slow or attentive or gentle. I
mean, just zero. I pretended to be satisfied
to get it done with. He immediately rolled
over and went to sleep.”

The next morning, Jan called her doc-
tor. Was there something she was doing or
not doing, something she could do differ-
ently? She wanted this one. “It’s not your
problem,” the doctor told her. “It’s his.”

They had one more date, but the eve-
ning was doomed from the start. He was
petulant and critical, and when he
launched into a small sermon about how
shabby it was for her to sometimes date
married men, which she had admitted to
him, she cracked and thought, What the
fuck do I care what this guy thinks? Later,
at his place, he asked her if she wanted to
get undressed. She said no. “He was up
like a flash, got some money and his keys,
ran me downstairs and put me in a cab.”

About a month later, she was having
dinner at Ernie’s with a client and spotted
David across the room with a cover-girl
beauty. When he saw Jan, he sent a bran-
dy to her table. “I didn’t touch i
said. He stopped on his way out, sowed
out some of the charm that had so
attracted her in the first place and then
said he hadn't called because he'd been

spending all his time on business.
“Why not?" she said. “It’s what you're
best at."

б
Thinking that story through, I find only
опе character who was wrong for sure,
and that’s the doctor. What happened
between Jan and David wasn’t his prob-
lem, it was theirs, And although a lot of
sexual behaviorists would tell you that the
trouble here was nothing more than pre-
mature ejaculation and that it can be fixed
as easily as a broken taillight, I don’t think
so. David was a little old for that syn-
drome, especially with his reputed experi-
ence, and his refusal to talk about it with
Jan, or to make a second try, suggests a
deeper trouble, a problem beyond the
body-and-fender approach.

But what problem?

“The myth of the ever-ready male is
just that—a myth,” said one sex therapist
I talked with, a woman who said she
seemed to be seeing more and more low-
desire problems in men recently, even
among the young ones who came to her.
The legend of Don Juan is a cruel and
confused inheritance. In fact, the idea that
a man who lays down an endless chain of
women is highly sexed may be exactly
backward. Lack of interest may be what
drives a man to pursue the aphrodisiac of
variety. This therapist said also that she
suspected there had always been many
men out there who weren't that interested
in zip-zip sex, and if their numbers are
more obvious now, it may be just that men
have greater license these days to admit
they are not all goatlike creatures who will
take a poke at anything, any time—mud if
it lies in interesting contours.

In fact, male sexuality is a good deal
more complicated and delicate than it’s
generally been given credit for being.
‘Any number of demons wait to jump in
and smother the fire, and their connection
to sex isn’t always obvious. As with the
stockbroker I heard about in New York
who was fine on the weekends but
couldn't, for love nor points, get it up dur-
ing the week. Or the lawyer who, when he
was taken to his date’s apartment after
dinner, took one look at the rich furniture
and art, excused himself to the bathroom,
asked for a magazine on his way in, stayed
20 minutes and then left almost immedi-
ately after emerging. “Could be that her
apartment made it look like she didn’t
need anybody,” said the therapist from
New York when I told her that story.

And there are worse thumpings waiting
out there for a man when he actually gets

into bed with a woman. We hear a lot
about the vulnerability of women in a sex-
ual relationship, the heartbreak of the sec-
ond date that never comes and such. What
gets talked about much less, though, is the
power women have to slaughter the male
ego in the sexual moment. And if the bar-
gain between men and women is more
troubled now than before, nowhere is it
clearer or meaner than in the escalating
performance demands that hang like spec-
tators around today’s bedposts.

May Randall and I talked in New York
оп her lunch hour. She’s a pretty woman,
a lab technician about 28 years old who
was married when she was a teenager but
has been single for the past seven years.
She has a good smile and an ironic laugh,
and although some of the things she told
me that I’m going to quote make her
sound like a monster, she’s not. It’s just
that she’s been badly used by bad men,
and when that anger was tapped in our
conversation, she made it plain that she
didn’t hesitate to use the little pistols and
long knives that hang in the armory for all
women when they’re looking to get even.
She talked about men who passed her
around like a bottle of wine and convinced
her that it was all right, and about others
who were hot the first time they made out
and from then on just lay back and
demanded service. Then one night she
went to one of those parties where they
peddle sex aids like Tupperware, and she
discovered vibrators, an almost religious
epiphany as she tells the story. Changed
everything for her, she said. Now she
could take care of herself sexually if she
had to, to the tune of any fantasy she liked,
and she says she isn’t shy about letting
men know they are no longer her only
sexual ticket.

“I keep my vibrator іп a drawer under
my bed,” she told me, “and when a man
comes over, I get it out and tell him,
*Here's your competition, baby, so be
nice.’ And if he isn't nice, or if he’s been
insensitive to me one too many times, 1
pity his butt, because there are moments
when a woman can destroy a man for life
You have that power in your hands. It's
not something you'd do just to do it, but
ГЇЇ tell you there are some men better
hope they never have an off night around
me, because ТЇЇ fuck up their shit real
good.”

Such threats are not idle, nor do they
have to be spoken. The wiring between a
man’s imagination and his unit is so per-
fectly direct that the smallest thought of
failure is often the failure itself. And
there’s no man in the world who can com-
pete with a couple of C-size Duracells if it
comes down to that. Nor are there many
who haven't suffered at least a giggle out
of Delilah at some tender instant when
their manhood was out there trying its
hardest.

(continued on page 170)

rly

eports

a timely accounting of timeless principles of personal finance

article

By ANDREW TOBIAS

BULK-RATE RICHES

if you want to quintuple your money, fast and —
risk-free, there are countless junk-mail schemes for dreamers like you

EVEN HUNDRED MILLION trillion tons of junk
mail are sent out across this country every
year. I get half of it.
Much of it would make me rich if only 1
would listen. MORE EXPLOSIVE PRICE ACTION
AHEAD IN LOW-PRICED STOCKS, reads one enve-
lope touting a financial newsletter. NO-RISK TRIPLE BONUS
OFFER ENCLOSED!

INSIDE, reads another, FIND OUT HOW $8750 GREW TO
$405,125 IN ONLY 13 WEEKS!

FREE! reads a third, GET 100 SHARES OF STOCK IN A PUBLIC
COMPANY WITH THIS NO-RISK OFFER.

A hundred shares of stock free? Wow! I wonder which
stock it is. General Foods? Hewlett-Packard? Sears? The
letter doesn’t say.

Can all these newsletters make us rich? Can any of
them? I want to talk with you about that, but first I want
to talk about junk mail. The Postmaster General out-
lawed the term last year in favor of “bulk business mail”
to improve post-office morale. But we know what it is.

Junk mail is concerned exclusively with one thing:
parting you from your money. It falls into three catego-
ries. There are charitable and political solicitations,
promising you nothing for your money; product and serv-
ice solicitations, promising you something for your mon-
ey; and financial solicitations, promising to multiply your
money. I respond most often to the first category because
it delivers most faithfully on its promise.

But the more one responds, the greater the deluge. The
way to deal with junk mail is not even to look at it.
Anything that arrives with less than 20 cents postage or
with a computer-generated address label gets tossed out
unopened.

Which is why advertising copywriters have begun
reserving their most inspired moments not for the mes-
sages printed inside the envelopes but for the messages
outside. Somehow, between the time you bend your right
wrist, clawlike, to clasp the top envelope in the pile cra-
dled in your left hand and the time, a moment later, you
flick that same wrist to send the envelope flying for the
trash—in that moment, a message of such urgency and
intrigue must be conveyed as to stun you in mid-flick.

Examples abound.

From Mutual of Omaha: 1F YOU THINK $2 DOESN'T BUY
MUCH ANYMORE, LOOK INSIDE ... YOU'LL BE AMAZED! (Oh,
my God, Meg, come and look at this! "They're selling
insurance!) Who would’a thunk it?

From an address in Washington: TED KENNEDY HOPES
YOU'LL THROW THIS AWAY" Out it goes.

Bulk rate from THEHONORABLE RONALD WILSON REAGAN,
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. (Oh, that Ronald Wil-
son Reagan.) Wonder what he could want. Out it goes.

From the American Civil Liberties Union: AN OPEN
LETTER TO PRESIDENT REAGAN. (Gosh! Letters to Reagan,
from Reagan. . . . Should I forward it?) Out it goes.

From International Living: YOU CAN NOW EARN UP TO
$80000 TAX-FREE BY LIVING ABROAD ... (assuming you have
the skills to earn $80,000 and don't mind living abroad).

Some junk mail can be strangely personal—and not
just because of the strange ways they stick your name, or
variants thereon, into the advertising copy.

From a doctor in San Antonio: ARE vou OVER 40? [No.]
YOU COULD BE MISSING OUT ON THE BEST SEX OF YOUR ENTIRE
LIFE! [Really?] To FIND OUT WHY, SEE INSIDE. [Well], it can’t
hurt to look.]

From Ovation magazine, bulk rate, a "special invita-
tion” from my cousin André Previn. As it is the first and
only communication, verbal, visual or otherwise, I have
ever had from my spectacularly gifted cousin—I’ve never
met him—and as my middle name is Previn (really; we’re
cousins), I am sorely tempted to open it. Out it goes.

From a company in Illinois: “Do you have a system for
getting organized that works?” They have a wall-sized
calendar.

A hazard in throwing all this out unopened is that you
won't know what you're missing. Take the envelope
headlined ME? SLEEP IN л SUBWAY STATION? Either some
wonderfully creative real-estate developer had hit upon
renovating unused subway stations (in which case I was
being offered a “great space, no view") or this was an
appeal to aid New York's homeless. We'll never know.
And what are we to make of DEMAND А NUCLEAR-FREE
NEW YORK? Was New York planning to join the arms
race? Or was this about the Shoreham, Long Island,
nuclear power plant? You'd assume the latter, but judg-
ing from the fine print—still (continued on page 144)

GETTING
EVENSON

it’s not easy to catch miss
september, but it might help
if you're the tarzan type

ANTASIES? Oh, I have lots of fanta-
F sies." Kimberly Evenson mentally

inventoried her store of daydreams,
searching for one that might not be too
revealing. “Опе оГ my favorites is being
out in nature, feeling really healthy and
being with the greatest guy, somcbody
like— Tarzan. Maybe that’s a common
fantasy, but it's a great one if you think
about it.” Kim would make a proper Jane,
all right. She's at least as tough as any
vrban ape man. “Гуе always been an

Kim has found that a little time and
travel can be very broadening. "I used
to be really shy, and Гое just broken
that barrier. Back in Minnesota, for-
gel u—I wouldnt say anything!”

Running into the line (above) in the regular Sunday touch game in Suffern,
New York, Kim breaks for daylight, then attempts an illegal forward pass, for
which she’s temporarily benched (below) in a four-wheeler on the side lines.

athlete. I love sports. I was always the
fastest runner. I'd play football with the
boys and they’d never catch me. In soccer,
Га always be put against the biggest, fat-
test monster on the field. I didn’t care; Га
just go for it. They'd call me an animal!”

Going up against it seems to turn Kim
on. She likes to flex her muscles and test
her resiliency. Each time she pushes the
limit, she learns something. “I like to win,
even if it means getting hurt. But I almost
never get hurt. I’ve got these bones that
just seem to bounce when they’re supposed

to. If I twist an ankle, it just twists right
back. I've always been tough."

Born an Army brat in Bremerhaven,
Germany, Kim grew up in Minnesota.
She was 12 when her parents separated,
and a few years later, she moved with her
mother and her two siblings from Minne-
sota to Rockland County, New York. She
was understandably disoriented and—
because her mother was busy taking care
of three children, going to law school and
paying the rent—rather undisciplined.
Kim had a taste for adventure and none
for academics.

“I Jove my freedom too much. What I
didn’t like about high school was the fact
that you had to be ready for itand you had
to be there every day! I'm the kind of per-
son who will just get up and go some-
where, take a plane! If, of course, I'm in a
situation where I can do that.”

Following her escape from high school,
Kim decided to challenge Manhattan. A
few parts in small productions while in
high school had convinced her that she'd
like to be an actress, and she knew some
study in New York City would be in
order. To finance her acting classes, she
modeled and took part-time jobs, includ-
ing one as a Bunny at the Playboy Club.

“That was fun—I loved the costume. I
was a Door Bunny, because there weren't
any jobs open on the floor. Unfortunately,
I was working from ten at night until five
in the morning and then going to school at
seven. I was exhausted. So I had to quit
after a few weeks. I just couldn't handle it
anymore. But I had fun.” Establishing

Life in Rockland County, New
York, has an almost Rockwell-
ian flavor to it; it’s just the place
Jor a country girl like Kim and
her brothers and sisters. At left,
she visits a used-book store in
Nyack with her older sister, then
shows her younger half sister
a few skating tricks (above).
That's her half sister and broth-
er (opposite, bottom) getting a
line on some unsuspecting fish.
Below, a tired Kim stretches out.

«Т went to Grenada to do some test photography. I was there when the
Marines were there. Yeah, word got around. In fact, we had a pretty big
audience for one of the shots we did at the shore. They let us use their
military equipment. I had guns and cartridge belts and everything.”

herself in the Big Apple gave Kim confidence. She learned a lot about the
show-business world and quite a bit about show-business people. “In the acting
business in New York, there are many so-called managers, producers and agents
who will promise you the world for a small fee. Those were approaches I stayed
away from, because I wasn’t hearing any solid promises. I knew talent would get
me success faster than anything they could offer.”

When she was offered a ticket to Los Angeles for her Playmate shooting, Kim
heard the siren call of the cinema and decided to uproot again. That move, though,
will be a little more difficult. “Right now, I’m going to have to adjust to coming
out to L.A., getting an apartment, getting a manager, going to school—and being
farther from my mother. I’ve always been real close to her. Before, I could always
run back home from Manhattan. Now I'll have to work very hard and make lots
of money so I can call her long-distance.” Kim’s not at all worried about her
future, though. “I’ve got this thing inside me that says, ‘If you want something,
just go for it.” Гуе been thrown into so many new situations that I feel that if I got
thrown some more, I could take care of myself." We don't doubt that for a minute.

After seeing the results of the conflict in Grenada and being there during
the occupation of the sleepy Caribbean island, Kimberly has definite ideas
about social justice. “What really ticks me off is violence. I hate war!
I also hate seeing anybody left out. Everybody should be in. Everybody!
You know how sometimes a mean kid will say to another kid, ‘You can’t
play with us’? Well, I think everybody should get a chance to play.”

“I like a lot of attention, but m not
really the jealous type. If there’s anoth-
er pretty girl around, ^s fine v
me. If I can learn something fro: 1 her,
vel AR even hetter, ey my"

Kim’s specific about the kind of man who attracts her. "My tastes in men? Well, as far as looks are concerned, Гос always
liked dark-haired, kind of rough-looking guys who wear blue jeans and can handle anything. And who love women!”

GATEFOLD PHOTOGRAPHY BY KERRY MORRIS / ADDITIONAL PHOTOGRAPHY BY ARNY FREYTAG

PLAYMATE DATA SHEET

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FAVORITE SPORTS: ОТК.
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IDEAL EVENING:

РУЛА

BIGGEST JOY: 21201022

PLAYBOY’S PARTY JOKES

What's so funny about my breaking out а new
prophylactic for our repeat performance?” the
puzzled Londoner inquired of his American-
tourist date.

“It’s just that I can assure my friends when I
get back home,” giggled the girl, “that I saw two
versions of the changing of the guard.”

Rumor has it that in his next film, Clint East-
wood will play a cop working undercover at a

пап airport in an improbable dis-
guise. Its title? Dirty Hare Krishna.

The end really came for me,” the woman
explained to the divorce attorney, “when 1 found
out that my husband had been secretly decorat-
ing his penis for years with inscriptions in invis-
ible ink. It seems that the jerk took a certain
kinky delight in putting words in my mouth!”

Our Unabashed Dictionary defines tearing off a
Е
quickie аз gunning the jump.

М, mind,” cried the astronaut, “whirled
While joy currents eddied and swirled!
There

was pe copulation
At that stellar space station!
It was sex that was out of this world!”
The equivalent of guys’ playing pocket pool, it's
occurred to us, is girls" playing i slots.

lh was after a less than enthusiastic bit of love-
making that the woman snapped, "You're just
lucky that I don’t make you pay me what I'm
worth for submitting to you!”

“I sure am!” retorted her husband. “They’d
probably charge me with breaking the mi
mum-wage law!”

Our Unabashed Dictionary defines corporate
virgin as a girl who is new to the firm.

Hyperconservatives in Israel are said to be
opposed to the issuance of a visa to an entertain-

er called Goy George.

Maybe you've heard about the small-town
streetwalker who visited New York and had sev-
eral flops on Broadway.

I was misquoted!” the politician insisted angrily.
“What I said was that establishing and stand-
ardizing procedures for conjugal visits in our
prisons was a thorny problem.”

Said а crusty old colonel named Waters
To his sheltered and virginal daughters:
“If you're offered a buck
To go out for a fuck,
Just insist you're restricted to quarters.”

During an interplanetary social-exchange vis
a Martian couple suggested to the guest earth-
ling couple that they swap spouses. When one
pair were alone and the Martian male had
stripped, the woman from earth noticed that his
penis was quite small. But he proceeded to twirl
a finger in one ear, which caused his organ to
lengthen dramatically, and then do the same
thing in the other car, which made his organ
thicken in similar fashion.

“How was your session, dear?" the carth-
woman subsequently asked her husband.

“Not too satisfactory, Pm afraid,” he replied.
“Not only did that Martian babe turn out to
have a very large vagina; she also distracted me
during the act by tickling my ears like crazy!”

Where did you spend your honeymoon?” the
girl was asked.

“On a Caribbean island,” she replied, “but
from the way my husband performed, it seemed
more like Mount Rushmore!”

The difference between a masseuse and а cocks-
man who shares the contents of his little black
book is that the girl is a layer-on of hands,
whereas the guy is a hander-on of lays.

My blind date last night was а real cultured
gentleman,” reported the girl.
“What did he do,” asked her roommate, “take
you to the opera or discuss vintage wines?”
“Neither one of those things. After he'd gone
down on me, he told me I smelled like caviar!”

Heard a funny one lately? Send it on a post-
card, please, to Party Jokes Editor, PLAYBOY,
Playboy Bldg., 919 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago,
Ш. 60611. $50 will be paid to the contributor
whose card is selected. Jokes cannot be returned.

111

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COCAINE

A SPECIAL REPORT

the world knows that this

glamorous drug has turned

mean—but only a handful
of people know why

article
By LAURENCE GONZALES

эм 1982, а man—call him Tom— was
hospitalized for aplastic anemia, a
bone-marrow disease. Tom underwent
surgery twice. He was 22 years old
and psychologically normal, according
to his physicians. One effect of his ill-
ness was sores in his mouth. As part of
treatment, for pain, he was given
the topical anesthetic cocaine—about a
third of a gram every four hours for 16
days. It got into his blood stream the
same way cocaine gets into the blood
stream of people who snort it: through
the membranes that line the nose and
mouth. A report in the New England
Journal of Medicine explained what
happencd as a result:

Day 16 the patient's pulse
rose . . . to 140 [beats] per mirma,
and he had nausea, vomi
headaches, insomnia, chills and Pd -
ver, in spite of other normal vital
signs. During the next 18 hours,
he reported secing ants on his
clothes, in his food, on nursing
personnel and throughout his
room; his euphoric mood was
punctuated Ьу irritability and
pressured specch. He saw "shad-
of his mother and related a
ation in which he wit-
messed a cardiac arrest in an
adjacent room. He became increas-
ingly garrulous and active, pacing
his room, cleaning his drawers,
upholstering a chair [sic] and re-
taping his intravenous needle.
During the next six hours, he ex-
hibited jerking muscular move-
ment, (witching of his head and
and a fine tremor. A
tentative diagnosis of toxic co-
caine psychosis was made.

There arc a number of important im-
plications of Tom's experience. For one

ILLUSTRATION BY BRAD HOLLAND

PLAYBOY

114

thing, it was the first time cocaine psycho-
sis had been observed in a controlled hos-
pital setting. Such severe psychological
reactions to cocaine had been reported by
recreational users, but they remained ru-
mor. Tom’s case showed us what may
sound absurd to people who have taken
the drug without ill effects: Cocaine can
make you crazy.

And his case also implied something far
more complex and difficult to deal with.
For when the doctors had reduced the
dosage of cocaine to a third of a gram
every 12 to 15 hours, Tom’s behavior
returned to normal. He recovered from the
psychosis and tolerated the regular use of
cocaine quite well.

What does Tom’s case mean? Is cocaine
dangerous? Is it safe in small doses? Is it
addictive (and what does addictive mean)?
Does cocaine eventually make you crazy?
Or was there something special about
Tom that made him see ants?

To answer such questions, PLAYBOY
sought out the top scientists, psychologists
and psychiatrists doing work in cocaine
research. What we learned was that the
study of cocaine has by no means been
thorough. There is little funding and there
are few major researchers. The ones who
are deeply involved, the quintessential
experts, are represented here. And al-
though they all seem to be reaching more
or less the same conclusions independent-
ly—rather alarming news about co-
caine—they are quick to admit that their
findings need corroboration.

In part, that corroboration has been
slow in coming due to the politics of drug
research. Much of the study is funded by
the Government through the National
Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA), and
cocaine has traditionally been a hot potato.
Many people in Government circles are
reluctant to encourage research that
doesn’t say cocaine is 100 percent bad for
100 percent of the people. Tom’s case is
not black and white enough. Cocaine, in
short, suffers from a public-relations
problem. It has no Betty Ford.

"The three scientists who have done the
most significant cocaine research with hu-
mans in this country in the past ten years
are Drs. Mark S. Gold, Ronald K. Siegel
and David E. Smith. There are many oth-
er scientists who have done important
work with animals and with the measure-
ment of cocaine’s chemical effects on the
human body. But those are the nation’s
top experts concerning the larger ques-
tions: Is cocaine bad for me? How bad? Is
it addictive? What will happen if I take it?
Can I recover if I get into trouble taking
it? Can it kill me?

Dr. Gold, director of research at Fair
Oaks Hospital in Summit, New Jersey,
established the National Cocaine Help-
line, which people could call for help with
cocaine problems. To everyone's surprise,
some 400,000 people called during the

first year. No one had guessed that the
nation's cocaine problem was that large.
Using the callers as a sample, Gold has
generated the world's largest statistical
base for information about the way people
use cocaine (as opposed to the way scien-
tists use cocaine on people in laboratories)
and what it docs to them.

Dr. Siegel has recently completed
the first scientific study of regular cocaine
users over a long period—nine years.
Prior to Siegel’s experiment, funded by
NIDA, no one had ever determined what
would happen to a group of people who
used cocaine for nearly a decade. Siegel's
findings are published here for the first
time.

Dr. Smith founded the Haight-Ashbury
Free Medical Clinic in 1967 to treat the
victims of the drug explosion of the Six-
ties. In the decade and a half since then, he
has become an internationally known re-
searcher studying all drug addiction. His
clinic and research facility are on the cut-
ting edge of cocaine research and the
receiving end of what he, Siegel and Gold
agree is a major cocaine-abuse epidemic.

At this point, these three authorities are
in agreement about three other important
facts: (1) Cocaine is an addictive drug;
(2) it is much more dangerous than we
thought; (3) we need a lot more research
before we know precisely how cocaine
works and to whom it presents a danger.

е
The Haight-Ashbury Free Medical
Clinic is located on Clayton Street be-
tween Haight and Page, near San Fran-
cisco’s Golden Gate Park. For anyone
who was there in the Sixties, the history
pours off the street like vapor. The same
junkies I saw there in 1967 and 1968 seem
to be standing in the same line going up
the stairs to the same clinic. But there have
been changes as well. Dr. David Smith is
no longer just an idealistic young doctor
trying to help out junkies. He and a hand-
ful of colleagues around the world are
changing the way we look at all drug
addicts, from those we see in the gutter to
those who appear on The Tonight Show.
I waited for Smith in the clinic’s phar-
macy, an upstairs room in an old house
where detoxification drugs are dispensed
to the patients. A sign on the door said,
MIXING YOUR MEDS WITH BOOZE OR DOPE CAN
KILL you. The room was close with people
and cigarette smoke and the smell of
sweat. A sign on the counter read, 1F You
CAN'T KEEP IT TOGETHER AND LOSE YOUR
PILLS AFTER LEAVING HERE, TOUGH SHIT.
The pharmacy counter had been
knocked together from plywood and two-
by-fours, and behind it sat the doctor of
pharmacology, Greg Hayner, a big,
bearded man in a plaid shirt and blue
jeans, dispensing pills and friendly banter.
Next to him was a registered nurse,
though you wouldn’t have known it from
her blue jeans and sweat shirt. “You come

in here pinned again, Pll cut you off cold,”
she told one junkie who had eaten all his
prescription pills the first night because he
couldn’t stand the pain. Behind her was a
closet full of drugs. The walls were hap-
hazardly decorated with posters of San-
tana, Grateful Dead, Stones, Traffic, Big
Brother and the Holding Company, Dan
Hicks and His Hot Licks—it was a
muscum of the Sixties, all those great
bands that brought us all those great
drugs.

But this was the last temple of junkies,
seekers of atonement. This was the place
where they made their last stand or died
trying. It was serious business. Hayner
picked up the phone and talked for a min-
ute. Then he put his hand over the mouth-
piece and said to the nurse, “This lady just
did a shitload of coke and has all the
symptoms of a heart attack and wants to
know what to do.” He was cool, as if han-
dling a client who wanted to know what
stock to buy today.

“She should go to an emergency room,”
the nurse said.

“I mean, numbness, nausea, pain in the
left arm—everything.”

“Emergency room. Just in case.”

Most who go there are heroin addicts,
and they know what their problem is:
smack. Everybody knows you can over-
dose on smack. The woman on the line
was another kind of junkie. Her problem
was more complicated: She didn’t know
you could overdose on cocaine.

Smith publishes some of his scientific
work with an M.D. researcher named
Donald R. Wesson. Insiders call their
papers Smith & Wessons, and their publi-
cation often comes with the impact of a .38
Special. Smith wears large spectacles and
his skin is drawn and tan. Hc rolls his cyes
heavenward as he talks of cocaine.

“I study addictive disease,” he says.
“Addiction may be a disease itself. That’s
how we regard it and that's how we treat.
it. There is a commonality of addictive
process regardless of the drug." In other
words, what you're taking does not matter
as much as who you are. Some people will
take the drug—any drug—and not get
addicted. Others will take it once and be
inexorably drawn to it. The drug is the
same; the people are different.

Addiction is a term that has long been
ill defined and often redefined. Today it
has been defined again, though this time
in а way seemingly more practical than
ever before. An addictive drug is one that
can produce in a significant number of
people three conditions: (1) compulsion;
(2) loss of control; and (3) continued use
of the drug in spite of adverse effects.

(continued on page 148)

PLAYBOY'S OPE"
PIGSKIN МН
PREVIEW Hf

the countrys leading expert
gives his pre-season pichs
Jor the top college

teams and players

sporis By ANSON MOUNT

THORPE, GRANGE. NAGURSKI. The very men-
Чоп of the names of those hallowed
immortals of yesteryear inspires rever-
ence. But most of us are unaware that
those superstars performed at a level far
below today's athletic standards. The
norms of physical excellence have risen so
much in the past half century that most of
the demigods of the past couldn't vin a
starting position on an average team
today. Size, speed, agility and sheer num-
bers have increased dramatically
Consider the following: (1) The aver-
age weight of Notre Dame's immortal
Four Horsemen was 759 pounds;
(2) Alex Agase, one of the very few play-
ers to win All-America honors in three
of his four years in college, played guard
(both ways) at 790 pounds; (3) Bert
Metzger, a consensus All-America guard
at Notre Dame in 1930 who was recently
inducted into the College Football Hall of
Fame, was 5'8" and weighed 149%
pounds; (4) judging from old game films,
such immortal runners as Jim Thorpe
and Bronco Nagurski were far too slow and
cumbersome to make most college teams
today. Even Red Grange would have been
little better than an average tailback.
This isn’t a rap against the greats of the
past. They fully deserve the respect still

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Left to right, top to bottom: Lee Johnson (10), punter, Brigham Young; Ray
Childress (53), lineman, Texas A&M; Jack Del Rio (52), linebacker, USC;
Gregg Corr (54), linebacker, Auburn; Brad Cochran (30), defensive back,
Michigan; Bruce Smith (78), lineman, Virginia Tech; Craig Swoope (12),
defensive back, Illinois; Tony Degrate (99), lineman, Texas; Micah Moon
(39), linebacker, North Carolina; Kevin Murphy (39), lineman, Oklahoma;
Jerry Gray (2), defensive back, Texas; Liffort Hobley (29), defensive back, LSU.

OFFENSE —

Left to right, top to bottom: Keli McGregor (88), tight end, Col. St.; Larry
Williams (75), lineman, Notre Dame; Duval Love (67), lineman, UCLA; Mike
Kelley (63), center, Notre Dame; Howard Schnellenberger, Coach of the Year,
Miami; Andrew Campbell (67), lineman, SMU; Bill Fralic (79), lineman, Pitt.;
Paul Woodside (3), kicker, W. Va.; Napoleon McCallum (30), running back,
Navy; Doug Flutie (22), quarterback, Boston Col.; Greg Allen (26), running
back, Fla. St.; Bo Jackson (34), running back, Auburn; Al Toon (87), receiver, Wis.

А ERICA TEAM

PLAYBOY

118

BEST OF THE REST

(Listed in order of excellence ot their positions, all hove
а good chance of making someone's All-America teom)

QUARTERBACKS: Chuck Long (lowo); Bernie Kosar (Miami); Jeff Wickersham (Lou-
isiana State); John Paye (Stanford)

RUNNING BACKS: Allen Pinkett (Notre Dome); D. J. Dozier (Penn State); Edwin Sim-
mons (Texos); Robert Lavette (Georgio Tech); Joe Mcintosh (North Carolina State);
Delton Hilliard (Louisiana State)

RECEIVERS: Tracy Henderson (Iowa State); Chuck Scott (Vanderbilt); Eric Martin (Lou-
isiona State); Emile Horry (Stanford); Mike Sherrard (UCLA); Arnold Franklin (North
Corolina)

OFFENSIVE LINEMEN: Dan Lynch (Washington Stote); Jim Juriga (Illinois); Bill Moyo
(Tennessee); Mork Behning (Nebraska)

СЕМТЕ
Methodist)

‘Mark Traynowicz (Nebraska); lon Sinclair (Miami); Chris Jackson (Southern

DEFENSIVE LINEMEN: Williom Pery (Clemson); Ben Thomas (Auburn); Tim Green
(Syracuse); Keith Cruise (Northwestern); Ron Holmes (Washington); Kevin Brooks
(Michigan)

LINEBACKERS: Lorry Statin (Iowa); Neal Dellocono (UCLA); Knox Culpepper (Geor-
gio); Lamonte Hunley (Arizona); Mike Golic (Notre Dome); Willie Pless (Konsos)

DEFENSIVE BACKS: Rod Woodson (Purdue); Ken Calhoun (Miami); Jeff Sanchez
(Georgia); Phillip Farker (Michigan State); Dovid Fulcher (Arizona State)

KICKERS: Rolf Mojsiejenko (Michigan State); Kevin Butler (Georgia); Luis Zendejos
(Arizona State); Мох Zendejos (Arizona); Fuad Reveiz (Tennessee)

FIRST-YEAR PHENOMS

(Incoming freshmen and transfers who should moke it big)

Lynwood Alford, linebacker .

Ron Stallworth, defensive lineman
Vince Sutton, quarterbock.

Scott Armstrong, linebacker.
Lors Tate, runner ..

Alex Espinoza, quarterback..
Anthony Weatherspoon, runner
Dewayne Walls, runner...
Chris Chandler, quarterback.
Andy Baroncelli, center

Brad Ipsen, quarterback...

given them, because they rose far above
the norms of their day.

“They were legitimate heroes,” Dallas
Cowboys coach Tom Landry says. “Ath-
letic standards are constantly rising, and
in every era there are a few players who
are ten years ahead of their time.”

Why have there been such precipitous
improvements in athletic ability in only a
few decades? Nutrition is much better
now, for one thing. High school athletic
programs are vastly improved, and there
are now so many superb athletes coming
out of high school that the major colleges
can’t begin to take them all. The situation
is illustrated by the fact that the first
player taken in the N.F.L. draft next year
will probably be wide receiver Jerry Rice
of Mississippi Valley State University.
That's in Itta Bena, Mississippi, in case
уоште wondering.

Another reason for today’s burgeoning
athletic excellence, coach Landry ex-
plained, is the abandonment of the old
taboo against strength training. Weight
lifting, it was said 25 years ago, would
make you muscle-bound. But athletic
trainers have learned to combine weights
with aerobics and agility exercises, which
is why 260-pound linemen now can be as
fast as the halfbacks of a generation ago.

But perhaps the most important reason
for the recent growth of athletic excellence
is the integration of black players into
college sports. For years, blacks were all
but excluded from the game. In the past
ten seasons, however, the Playboy All-
Americas have been almost evenly divided
racially. And we don't pick them for
color.

So while we revere the athletic heroes of
the past, let's appreciate the fact that
today’s college football players—and the
game they play—are much better than
when our grandparents had season tickets
And while we wait impatiently for this
year’s excitement, let’s take a look at the
prospects of teams around the country.

5
This will be a big year in Pittsburgh.
Returning are quarterback John Con-
gemi, his favorite receiver, Bill Wallace,
and, most of all, an awesome offensive
line. Playboy All-America tackle Bill
Fralic could, if justice were served, be the
first interior lineman in history to win the
Heisman Trophy. If coach Foge Fazio can
find a fleet tailback and reinforcements for
the secondary, the Panthers will have a
good shot at the national championship.
Syracuse is the most improved team in
the East. The offensive unit returns nine
starters and will avoid a repeat of last
year's frustrating inconsistency. The
Orangemen have two quality quarter-
backs (Todd Norley and Don McPher-
son), a bevy of good runners and their best
receiving corps in many years. The defen-
sive crew won't be quite as fearsome as
last year’s and the schedule is the toughest

“No wonder you score so often!”

119

PLAYBOY

120

ever; but, with a little luck, this could be
the Orangemen’s best season in decades.

West Virginia coach Don Nehlen must
find a new quarterback to run an other-
wise deep and experienced offensive unit.
Kevin White should win the job. The
main cog in the Mountaineers’ scoring
machine will be Playboy All-America
kicker Paul Woodside, an exemplary
young man who holds more N.C.A.A.
records than you can shake a foot at.

Boston College will once again have an
explosive veteran offense, led by Playboy
All-America quarterback Doug Flutie,
plus а battle-hardened defensive unit. The
schedule, unfortunately, is a nightmare
The Eagles will be a better team than last
year’s, but it will be very difficult for them
to win nine games again.

Penn State could be the best team in the
East and still have an unimpressive rec-
ord—the Nittany Lions’ schedule is
loaded with national-championship con-
tenders. The talent pool is, as always,
deep, but it’s young, too. Sophomore D. J.

THE EAST
INDEPENDENTS

^5
45

ALLEAST: Fralc, Benson, Doleman. Wallace (Pits-
burgh); Green, Mchulay (Syracuse): Woodside, Gay
(West ‘gia: Flutie, "uit Boston College); Dozier,
Short (Penn State); McCallum, Wallace (Navy): Young.
Shenefelt (Temple); Baker. Andrews (Rutgers); Stopa,
Gentile ): Chambers (Penn); Baker (Cornell)
Caron (Harvard; Butler, Graham (Princeton); Moskala
(Brown); Weissman (Dartmouth): Curtin (Yale): Upper-
со (Columibia).

Dozier will be the best running back in
the country before he graduates. The
Lions’ attack will be operated by quarter-
back Doug Strang, who doesn’t have
many quality receivers.

Navy's main man will again be Playboy
All-America running back Napoleon
McCallum, but some of the pressure will
be taken off him this fall by an improved
passing attack. Two well-armed passers,
Ricky Williamson and Bob Misch, will
contend for the quarterback job.

Temple will have 22 quality starters,
but the reserves will be thin, young or
nonexistent. All the quarterback candi-
dates are green, but they'll be throwing to
a crew of solid receivers.

Some intriguing things are going on at
Rutgers. It is the state university of New
Jersey, and local political types are be-
coming embarrassed by their school’s
persistent absence from the top 20. After
all, Rutgers (with Princeton) invented the

game. So a gung-ho development program
is under way. New, enlarged facilities
have been promised, and lots of money is
being pumped into Rutgers football. A
new, elite coaching staff is headed by Dick
Anderson, but it will have a tough time
improving the won-lost slate until Ander-
son’s crash recruiting program begins to
bear fruit. He will field an impressive
passing attack if quarterback Eric Hoch-
berg’s knee is fully operational

The past few seasons have been rather
bleak at West Point. Hopes for improve-
ment this year center on a switch to the
wishbone attack, which will make beuer
use of the available Cadets. Super place
kicker Craig Stopa will get plenty of
chances to show off his range this fall.

Pennsylvania has been cochampion of
the Ivy League the past two years, largely
owing to an excellent defense and the
coaching brilliance of Jerry Berndt. The
defense will be even stronger this year, but
Berndt must do a major patch-up job on
his porous offensive line.

Cornell will also benefit from the ex-
pertise of a great coach, Maxie Baughan
His rebuilding efforts will make Cornell
the most improved team in the Brain
Chain this year, and tailback Tony Baker
will be the Big Red’s main weapon.

Harvard should also contend for the Ivy
crown, The Crimson’s main problem is
the graduation of several key players. The
quarterback job is up for grabs, with
Brian White the leading candidate.

Princeton also lost some skilled offen-
sive players, but the defensive unit, a big
problem last year, will be much improved.
Coach John Rosenberg will be looking for
a starting quarterback in pre-season drills
at Brown. Steve Kettelberger is the prime
candidate.

Darumouth, in keeping with hallowed
tradition, will have a staunch defense. The
offensive guns will be quarterback Mike
Caraviello and an elusive open-field run-
ner named Rich Weissman.

Yale is coming off a disastrous 1-9 sea-
son, but this year's team will be much
stronger; many young players got valuable
game experience last year because of inju-
ries to now-departed starters.

‘The fear at Columbia is that the grad-
uation of John Witkowski, one of the best
quarterbacks in Ivy League history, will
be too greata loss to overcome. Pete Mur-
phy and Peter von Schoenermarck are the
likely replacements, and they will have
several classy receivers

If Michigan coach Во Schembechler
can find an adequate quarterback in pre-
season drills, the Wolverines will have the
best shot at the Big Ten title. Jim Har-
baugh is the heir apparent to the job, but
keep an eye on incoming freshman Bob
Cernak. The running game, featuring
fullback Eddie Garret and tailback Gerald
White, will be awesome, and the offensive

line will be one of the nation’s most fear-
some. The stopper crew, led by Playboy
All-America defensive back Brad Coch-
ran, will be tougher than last year’s. But
Michigan’s main weakness in defense is
at the two outside linebacker positions,
where Michigan lacks depth.

With 18 starters returning, Wisconsin
will be the most improved team in the
league. The only iffy spot is at quarter-

THE MIDWEST

lowa
Minnesota
Purdue
Northwestem
Indiana

Western Michigan

Ohio University

Miami

Kent State.

Easlern Michigan
INDEPENDENTS

9-2 Cincinnati 38
38

TELIT? fee

Te
Ball State

Notre Dame
Louisville

ALLMIDREST: Cochran, Brooks, Nelson (Michigan);
Toor elke scar) бирре rg lino Mor

iejenko, Parker (Nichigan State): Byars, Krerowice
(Oh State): Lng Staton (eva Nara (res
ta); Woodson (Purdue): Cruise (Northwestern; Bradley
(ca ars (Сега һап: Chre (Bovine
Green); Richardson (Northem ilinois); Morgan (Tole
do]; Leuck (Ball State); Toth (Western Michigan); Car-
ter (Ohio U); Rolirs (Miami); Hughes (Kent State)
Smith (Eastern Michigan); Kelle, Wiliams, Pinkett,
Johnson (Notre Dame); Cade, Perry (Louse), Bo-
dine, Аре (Cincinnati).

back, but three capable candidates are
available. Whoever wins the job will bene-
fit from the presence of Playboy All-
America receiver Al Toon. Last year's
young defensive line has toughened, and
the linebacking corps is superb.

The Illinois footballers surprised even
themselves—and stunned the rest of the
Big Ten—by making a clean sweep of
their conference foes last year and
winning the Big Ten title for the first time
since . . . well, most fans had a hard time
remembering that far back. It won't be зо
simple this year, because opponents will
be much more wary of the Illini. Another
problem is the absence of last year’s entire
defensive front—several junior college
transfers will try to fill in the holes.
The secondary, led by Playboy All-Amer-
ica safety Craig Swoope, will be one of the
country’s best. Look for a lot of scoring
binges in Champaign-Urbana this year.

Michigan State will also have a much-
improved team, mostly because last year’s
remarkable skein of injuries (among other
misfortunes, both top quarterbacks were
lost for the season on consecutive plays)
isn’t likely to repeat itself. A large contin-
gent of redshirts, junior college transfers
and prime-quality freshmen will add
heavy reinforcement to this year’s Spartan

(continued on page 187)

BEAUTIFUL
SCREAMERS

a playboy stable of slinky machines that are almost as good as sex
article By GARY WITZENBURG

нош YOUR NEICHBORS ask you, as you glide by, what
® kind of car the Lagonda is,” sneers the Aston Mar-

tin ad, “by all means tell them. Should they ask
where they can get one, tell them they probably can't." At
$152,000, the hand-built Lagonda stands at the top of a class
of car that's drool quotient is higher than the national debt
or Don Rickles' blood pressure. We call it a Beautiful
Screamer. A Beautiful Screamer is a profile car, one that is
meant to be seen—and driven. It's a distinctive piece of
machinery that's as fast and sinewy as it is stunning. More
important, it's a symbol. It speaks volumes about the indi-

vidual lucky enough to own and drive it. In the eyes of
others, you are what you drive. And if you drive a $152,000
Aston Martin Lagonda, baby, you have arrived. All Aston
Martins, of course, are completely hand-built and have
been since 1913, when car enthusiasts Lionel Martin and
Robert Bamford named the beast in which they'd been com-
peting in the Aston Clinton Hillclimb competition an Aston
Martin. Eventually, their cars became favorites of British
royalty; and the beautiful DB5, introduced in 1963, gained
recognition as James Bond’s machine in Goldfinger and
Thunderball. Yt soon gave way to the stunning DB6 and it, in

Above: Lamborghini's maxi-macho Countach LP5005 is the Mr. T of motordom. Hunkered low on racer-size tires and
wheels, it looks like Darth Vader's personal space vehicle fallen to earth. Beneath this mean and menacing countenance
lurks a full-race tube frame and 348-hp twin-cam V12 mounted midships. For a mere $99,500 ($105,000 with the mon-
strous rear wing), you, too, can probe its handling limits at the 170-plus top speed; but not in our neighborhood, please!

PHOTOGRAPHY BY BRUCE AYRES

Right: Except for the rare and
hyperexpensive exotics, Jaguar's
$35,000 XJ-S is the most power-
ful car in North America and
boasts the only V12 engine in a
Sport sedan. Its feline suspension
erases life's bumps and tames
curves without effort, while the
muscular V12 gobbles up the
roadway and spits it noiselessly
out the back. Complete with a
handy new trip computer for '84,
this big-cat coupe is one of the
finest luxury buys on the mat

Below: Ferrari helps beautify
America’s highways by sawing
the top off its four-seat Mondial
and calling it Mondial Cabriolet.
The upgraded interior is plusher
than ever, and behind the rear
seat sits Ferrari's lusty Guattro-
valvole engine. Bumped to 235
prancing horses from 19B3's 230,
this new four-valve V8 gives a
hair-ripping top speed of 143
mph. Just $65,000 buys the
first full-convertible Ferrari
since the 1969 Daytona Spider.

turn, to a larger four-seat sports саг
named the DBS. This model, later
powered by a sophisticated four-cam
aluminum V8 engine and upgraded in
styling, forms the basis for today's
four-car Aston Martin stable: the
$100,000 V8 coupe, the $110,000 high-
performance Vantage, the $125,000
Volante convertible and the futuristic,
wedge-shaped Lagonda sedan. About
3300 hours of loving labor go into each
massive Lagonda. The body is hand-
hammered aluminum, separated from
its supporting structure by thin sheets
of linen and finished on its surface
with 23 coats of hand-rubbed lacquer.
Eleven pampered cowhides are selected
to match and are then hand-cut to make
up the interior. Every panel of decora-
tive wood is mirror-matched; the strip
on one door exactly matches that on its
opposite—it’s just one cut deeper on
the log. Only four men in the world are
certified to assemble the jewellike 5.4-
liter V8 engine; a valve-cover plaque
identifies which one of them invested
nearly a week of his time it

We picked up our test Lagonda at a
Beverly Hills dealership. On L.A.'s
twisty canyon roads, it felt heavy yet

Right: ere thy neighbor.”

ifs hand-built $152,000 Lagonda.
Crisp-edged aluminum body, leather-
and-wolnut interior and space-cap-
sule controls and instrumentation all
add up to exclusivity for those whose
neighbors drive mere Rolls-Royces.

Left: Lotus’ minimo-
tored Turbo Esprit
marries a sexy flying-
wedge body to the
next best thing to a
Grand Prix racing
chassis. Under its
swoopy toil lives
а twin-cam turbo-
charged four-cyl
der, four-valve engi
that thinks it’s an
eight, generating 205
horses ond pushing
the $50,000 rolling
sculpture to 148 mph.

jection for ESI кек

the veteran
205 to 240 betel tee for
six-second zero- to-

PLAYBOY

126

sure-footed, like an N.F.L. linebacker. It
picked up speed slowly at first, then with a
rush as the four camshafts took hold.
Pushed through tight curves, the big tires
held on tight but moaned in protest as the
body shifted its bulk from one side to the
other. High-speed cruising on the open
road, though, is where the Lagonda comes
into its own—quiet, vibration-free, as sta-
ble as a cruise ship. Most of its controls
are computerlike touch pads that emit lit-
tle peeps to acknowledge your commands.
Two vertical rows of digital readouts
divulge more operating conditions than
you'd ever want to know. Mercifully, one
button makes everything but the fuel
gauge and the speedometer disappear.

Once acclimated to the space-capsule
instrument panel, you begin to notice oth-
er details. Ten identical rocker switches
are aligned in rows on the center console:
four for the power windows, six for the
adjustable bucket seats. A tinted-glass roof
panel illuminates the equally opulent rear
cabin, complete with individual sunshades
and a separate air conditioner. When you
tire of piloting this craft, there's reason-
able room to ride back there if your chauf-
feur is short.

Spread symmetrically across the La-
gonda’s slender nose are 12 lights: fogs,
spots, park lamps and turn lamps flanking
the grille, plus four powerful halogen
head lamps in pop-up pods. Turn them all
on and you look like a 747 coming in for a
landing. In the smallish trunk is a com-
prehensive tool kit built into a slim, ele-
gant-looking attaché case.

As a driving machine, the Lagonda
comes across as a creased and flattened
Rolls-Royce with Lotus racing blood in its
veins. As a rolling statement, it’s a sybarit-
ic symbol of unlimited wealth and a giant
mechanical membership card to one of the
world’s most exclusive clubs.

If such opulence lights your fire but
you're not quite ready for a $150,000-plus
hand-built Aston Martin, consider the
Jaguar XJ-S. It’s a wonderfully feline
four-seater with all the wood and leather
luxury almost anyone could want—and,
at about $35,000, less than one fourth the
price of the Lagonda.

Except for some rare and very expen-
sive exotics (such as Lamborghini’s Coun-
tach), the XJ-S is easily the most powerful
production car in North America and the
only one with a V12 engine throbbing
under its hood. There are 262 horses to
launch the big-cat coupe from rest to 60
mph in less than eight seconds and propel
it to 140-mph tops.

But take the Jag off the freeway and
pilot it along Mulholland Drive, high
above Los Angeles’ San Fernando Valley,
for example, as we did one clear night,
and you'll understand why they named it
after that powerful and graceful jungle

cat. Jaguar has a special touch with sus-
pensions. This is a first-rate four-seat GT
that levels uneven pavement and tames
treacherous curves without effort.

The XJ-S also has опе of the industry's
longest standard-equipment lists, plus all
of the proper sporting stuff under its
smoothly contoured body: fully independ-
ent suspension, four-wheel power disc
brakes and power rack-and-pinion steer-
ing. Also standard is Jaguar’s newly
earned reputation for quality and reliabil-
ity, backed by a two-year, 36,000-mile
warranty.

Similar in concept but different in exe-
cution, and nearly twice as pricy, is the
mid-engine 2+2 Ferrari Mondial. This is
Ferrari’s idea of a high-performance GT
for those whose needs have outgrown the
beautiful two-seat 308 but who want simi-
lar show and go in a more practical
package.

The Mondial (pronounced mon-dee-
ahl) has been around for a couple of years,
but its appeal has increased enormously
with a recent series of substantial im-
provements. First, there's Ferrari’s new
four-valve-per-cylinder, 235-hp Quattro-
valvole V8 engine, with 30 more pranc-
ing horses than the two-valve version and
13 percent better fuel efficiency. Second,
they've added an upgraded interior with a
redesigned console and electronically con-
trolled automatic air conditioning that
dehumidifies as it cools. Third, and most
important, is a new Cabriolet convertible
version.

Ferrari’s first full convertible since the
1969 Daytona Spider, the $65,000 Mon-
dial Cabriolet once again offers high-
profile open-air motoring, Italian-style.
The sophisticated three-liter aluminum
engine, the only four-valve V8 in series
production, sits crosswise behind the cock-
pit and drives the rear wheels through a
five-speed manual transmission. An ob-
vious thoroughbred even at idle, it wails at
speed as only aroused Ferraris can. Top
down, its lusty sound blends with the sen-
sory inputs of the wind in your hair and
ears.

Once accustomed to the Italian exoticar
gated shifter, you can knock off 0-60s in
less than cight seconds and watch the
10,000-rpm tachometer rise and fall like а
metronome with every shift, approaching,
if you dare, the 140-plus top speed. Like
the XJ-S, the Mondial conquered our
Mulholland Drive challenge without un-
due drama, accelerating, braking and
tracking through the trickiest corners as
any race-bred Ferrari is expected to.
Although it’s unmistakably masculine, its
control efforts are light, its responses
quick, crisp and precise

But you don't have to risk your neck
and your hefty investment driving hard
and fast to enjoy a Ferrari convertible.
Cruise it through Beverly Hills and watch

heads spin and grins widen with apprecia-
tion. Or just park it top down in your
garage for a while and drink in the aroma
of fine leather every time you walk in.

Most of the world’s Beautiful Scream-
ers, though, are true two-seat sports cars,
ranging from Porsche’s 944 and Chevro-
let's Corvette on the low end of the price
scale to the Ferrari 512 Berlinetta Boxer
and Lamborghini Countach supercars at
the six-figure top. Between those extremes
lie Porsche’s popular 911 Carrera and
9288, Ferrari’s ageless 308, Lotus’ Turbo
Esprit and a cluster of low-volume Ital-
ian exotics such as the Maserati Merak,
the Lamborghini Jalpa, even a reborn
De Tomaso Pantera, an updated version
of the car once imported here by Ford’s
Lincoln-Mercury division.

Most exotic of all is Lamborghini’s
$99,500 Countach (pronounced coon-
tosh) LPSOOS. Challenging archrival Fer-
rari’s 12-cylinder Boxer as the fastest
production car on the planet, this land-
bound rocket was once rumored to be
capable of 200 mph. Motivated by a
mighty 348-hp, 4.8-liter, aluminum V12
mounted fore and aft behind the seats
(with the transmission projecting forward
between them)—but slowed by the many
anti-aerodynamic protrusions on its other-
wise bullet-shaped body—its actual termi-
nal velocity is probably something over
170. Lamborghini of North America, its
Torrance, California-based importer,
claims 184 mph without the monstrous
optional ($5500) rear spoiler, 169 with it;
but we never did find out.

Inside the tight-fitting cockpit, the im-
pression is 90 percent race car. Passing
over your outside ear and into the wind-
shield pillar is a thinly disguised roll-cage
tube, part of the unique, fully tubular
steel chassis structure. Nestled in a free-
standing, hooded rectangular pod is a
full set of very serious instruments, includ-
ing an oil-temperature gauge. The tach
reads to 9000 rpm, red-lined at 8000; the
speedometer to 200 mph. The carbureted
European-spec engine wasn’t happy at
low rpm (U.S. emissions certification via
electronic fuel injection reportedly fixes
this), but full-throttle acceleration, once
under way, was mind-boggling. From a
stop (by our unofficial watch), 60 mph
came up in six seconds, 100 in a bit more
than 14. Braking and cornering power on
our twisty route were awesome.

1f the Italian Countach is a roadgoing
big-bore Can-Am car, the $50,000 British
Lotus Turbo Esprit is Formula I for the
street. This is the leanest and lightest of
our Beautiful Screamer sampling and the
only one powered by fewer than eight
cylinders—four, to be exact, turbocharged
to 205 galloping horses from its tiny 2.2
liters. With just 2700 pounds to tote, this
is enough for the Esprit to match the

(concluded on page 186)

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What does President Reagan say when report
ers ask about his hearing?

iat did President Reagan claim was Tes
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Which two condiments did the Agriculture О
partment propose to be considered vegetabl
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PLAYBOY

130

PRESIDENT'S MEN

Who was described by the Israeli de-
fense minister as “a prime candidate for
psychoanalysis”?

Caspar W. Weinberger

What two groups did Interior Secretary
Watt divide his fellow citizens into?

Liberals and Americans

Who attributed the rise in unemploy-
ment to “an increase in the number of
people seeking work who did not find it"?

Larry Speakes

Who decided not to bother waking
President Reagan to tell him that Navy
jets had shot down two Libyan aircraft?

Ed Meese

Which group did Interior Secretary
Watt call “a left-wing cult which seeks to
bring down the type of Government I
believe in"?

Environmentalists

Who said, “You don’t tell us how to
stage the news, and we don’t tell you how
to report it”?

Larry Speakes

Which White House aide announced
plans to write a diet book?

Michael Deaver

Who said that literature’s most famous
miser, Ebenezer Scrooge, was the victim of
“а bad press"?

Ed Meese

What did Environmental Protection
Agency chief Anne Gorsuch do in the mid-
dle of the EPA scandal?

She got married.

Who said, “When I hear people talking
about money, it's usually people who don’t
have any”?

Republican Party finance chairman
Richard DeVos

Who said that President Reagan
“makes it quite clear that there shouldn’t
be hunger, at least hunger unnecessarily
of the people who would want otherwise
to be fed”?

White House aide Robert Carleson

Who announced that he was “in con-
trol” at the White House following the
shooting of President Reagan?

Secretary of State Alexander Haig

Which Reagan Cabinet member an-
nounced that he was feeding his family for
a week on a $58 food-stamp budget?

Agriculture Secretary John R. Block

Who accepted $1000 and three watches
from Japanese journalists after setting up
an interview with Nancy Reagan?

National Security Advisor Richard
Allen

Who admitted that he’d secretly taped
his phone calls?

US. Information
Charles 7. Wick

Whose mother did President Reagan
call to assure her that her son had done the
right thing by voting for the production of
nerve gas?

Agency director

Vice-President George Bush’s

Which member of his Administration
did President Reagan mistake for Middle
East negotiator Donald H. Rumsfeld?

EPA chief William Ruckelshaus, whom
he called Don

Which Reagan appointee was said by
his brother to believe that “blacks are
inferior intellectually speaking”?

Would-be Assistant Secretary of State
for Human Rights Ernest W. Lefever

Who was exonerated by a special prose-
cutor because there was “not sufficient
credible evidence” to indict him?

Labor Secretary Raymond Donovan

Which three officials resigned following
allegations of their involvement in shady
stock deals?

Deputy National Security Advisor
Thomas C. Reed, Deputy CIA Director
Max Hugel, Deputy Defense Secretary
Paul Thayer

What was HUD Undersecretary Philip
Abrams’ explanation for many Hispanic
families’ living in overcrowded conditions?

“Cultural preference”

FAMILY & FRIENDS

What midnight snack did Nancy Rea-
gan tell Barbara Walters she eats because
there’s no “crunch, crunch” to wake her
husband?

Bananas

How did Nancy Reagan’s friend Betsy
Bloomingdale say she saved energy?

“By asking my servants not to turn on
the self-cleaning oven until after seven in
the evening”

What did Nancy Reagan say when she
accepted an honorary doctorate of law
from Pepperdine University, from which
her husband had received a similar degree
years ago?

“Do you think we'll have to call each
other doctor from now on?”

What item of clothing did Nancy Rea-
gan order reporters to wear during her
visit to a Tokyo art exhibit?

“Clean, holeless socks”

Who did a Reagan-campaign official
say “has a stare that could melt a build-
ing”?

Nancy Reagan

What sitcom did Nancy Reagan appear
on in 1983?

“Diffrent Strokes”

Which Administration official was in-
vestigated by the Senate Intelligence Com-
mittee and was pronounced not “unfit to
serve”?

CIA Director William J. Casey

Where does President Reagan spend
New Year’s Eve?

At Walter Annenberg’s Palm Springs
estate

Who said, “The White House really
badly, badly needs china”?

Nancy Reagan

Which Reagan friend ruined the sale of
President Reagan's Los Angeles home by
publicly saying the house was “over-
priced"?

Justin Dart

What company did Michael Reagan
resign from after invoking his father's
name on business-solicitation letters?

Dana Ingalls Profile, Inc.

What onc thing did Nancy Reagan say
she would grab if the White House were
on fire?

"Ronnie"

Which part of Nancy Reagan's body
was a cancerous growth removed from?

Her upper lip

How many times has President Rea-
gan's daughter Maureen been married?

Three

What kind of gun did Nancy Reagan
keep next to her bed?

А “tiny” one

FOREIGN AFFAIRS

What did President Reagan tell a group
of Congressmen that he had recently
learned about the Soviet nuclear arsenal?

“Most of the missiles are land-based.”

How did President Reagan convey his
anger about Israeli attacks on Lebanon?

He posed for a photograph with Israel’s
foreign minister and didn’t smile.

What was Secretary of State Haig’s
theory of why four female American mis-
sionaries were killed in El Salvador?

He thought they might have been trying
to run a roadblock.

During his confirmation hearings to be
Deputy Secretary of State, William Clark
was unable to name the prime ministers of
which two African countries?

South Africa and Zimbabwe

What magazine was cited as the source
for President Reagan’s contention that
“foreign agents” were behind America’s
nuclear-freeze movement?

Reader's Digest

What was President Reagan's term for
the Grenada invasion?

A rescue mission

Who reminisced fondly about past wars
when American news reporters “were on
our side”?

Secretary of State George Shultz

What was President Reagan doing in
the Oval Office while an aide was in the
next room briefing reporters about the
withdrawal of marines from Beirut?

Arm wrestling

What was White House spokesman
Larry Speakes’s explanation for the Rea-
gan Administration’s initial failure to
acknowledge the deaths in the civilian hos-
pital that a U.S. Navy plane accidentally
bombed on Grenada?

The Grenadians’ custom of “burying
their dead early”

(continued on page 183)

“When I think I used to dread these checkups. . . .”

132

GIRLS OF
THE BIG TEN

returning our conference call,
the coeds who put the heart in the heartland

couple school bios; East Lansing’s S is Michigan’s, Columbus’, Ohio's; P's for Illini, who

bubble Champaign, while MSU’s Spartans are much less Urbane; N’s for Northwesterners,
paying tuition as OSU's Buckeyes reach football fruition; Wisconsin’s girl Badgers may bite—it’s
inherent; /ndiana's young Hoosiers can boast a Knight errant, M’s Minnesota, where Gophers are
gilt; and P's for Purdue, where girl Boilers are built. Put them all together, they spell miss, rut NO WIMP.
"That's the introduction we hit upon for this age of the macha matriculator. If you're hitting up on any
of this year's Girls of the Big Ten, forget the “slice of brie, jug of Perrier and thou" routine. As you've
noticed by now (if, like a sensible person, you scanned the pictures first), the coeds are changing.
"Today's college girl is likely to prefer strength to chic, nuclear policy to unclear poetry and Indiana
Jones to California Cabernet. And the Big Ten girl is more levelheaded than most, though that's her
only lack of curvature. Our big group of tens includes future doctors, lawyers, politicians, anchor
women and ranchers, as well as Katherine Leigh, whose ambition is to be “а rich, powerful woman."
(She's got the last part down already.) Step right up, meet the students of success. It's OK if you offer
to carry their legal tomes and microengineering manuals. Just remember—no wimps need apply

M 15 For MICHIGAN, Wolverines’ lair; Z is for lowa—Hawkeyes gawk there; 5 is for State on a

How about a little sun, skin, study and splash with the Ladies af the Large Handful? Take it from the top with
Minnesota's Elizabeth Murtha (above), who likes her males "down to earth” ond loves “hairy chests” but has yet
to take up primatology. lowo's Molly Neuenswonder (lower left an the facing page) alternates water-skiing and
hitting the books—that's how she developed such balance in her studies. Going clockwise from Molly: Jill and
Mary Beth Foley are Ohio State's sexiest sister act. Asked why she posed for us, Northwestern's Leslie Gugino told
the Chicago Tribune, "We're all sex objects. Men are, too." Maybe so, Leslie, but we couldn't find any wha’d
stack up to you. lorile Benson, wha makes any apparel look splendidly designed, is an apparel-design major
at Illinois; and Terri Beck of Michigan, a body-building biologist, says it’s fraternity sisterhaad or bust.

PHOTOGRAPHY BY DAVID CHAN, DAVID MECEY AND POMPED POSAR

She may hike temperatures, but you won't catch Purdue's Colleen Derry (above lefi) making boilers. Colleen runs and paints for recreation—mole
Boilers run up behind and pant in appreciation. Ohio State junior Melissa Ann Boyce (above right), who says she’s "Daddy's little girl, keeps Daddy
proud and loose ends tied by combining prelaw with waitressing. She wants “to become a well-rounded person." That's no tall order, Melissa; it’s
parfait accompli. An exceptional girl, both physically and philosophically, Michigan State's Kara Jorden (below) likes men who eat quiche.

О Canada—glariaus and free! Nancy Canada (above) is a Newfoundland native studying business at
Ohio State. Like the R.C.M.P., she generally gets her man. lowa's Elizabeth McDowell and Stefanie Krug
(belaw left) keep Hawkeyes peeled when they're not learning law and special ed, respectively; Iowa's
Linnette Postel (below right) majors in—get this—theropeutic recreation. Where do we register?

dis

Aspiring actress Marea Pond (above lefi) turns Indiana men from cream to crimson every time she jogs cross-campus. She's developed a passionate
following, which is why all those Hoosiers ore hurryin'. Art aficionoda Kristen Mason of Wisconsin (top right) just wants to live o full life, but
Minnesota's Ketherine Leigh (bottom right) has ambition enough for two. “I’m power hungry,” says she. “I can't wait to set the world on fire."

Indiana's Valerie Bowman (top left) answers college men's prayers by falling aut af the Bloomington sky. She's a prelow pianist whose other forte is
sky diving. Mary Fauquher of MSU (bottom left), a prospective PR woman, likes men who are “open to suggestion.” Looks like she’s found one. Watch
your tone with lowo's Christine Pennimon (above right), who keeps hers with weight lifting—she leaves out-of-shape sweat suitors hung out to dry.

Northwestern's Larissa Klavins (above left) loves football, which amounts to mosochism in Evanston. She eases the pain with dreams of а political
career. The lady is a trampolinist—classmate Cheryl Graham (above right), а trampoline champ of Chinese/Norwegian descent, wants us to

reproduce her paintings now that she's been a rveov work of art. Gopher It Department: Angela Wood (below left) is a Golden Gopherette who
dances through the Minnesota winters, and Paige Seyffer (below right)—the best ad OSU ever had—goes for “aerobics, cats and jocks.”

Future anchor woman Monica Keys of OSU (above left) once met boxing’s Angelo Dundee, who knew a
knockout when he saw one. Purdue's Monica Purvis (above right) studies “supervision technology" with

on eye on corporate law. Wisconsin's Michelle Mislivecek (below), who carries a double major in econ

ond poli sci, has good taste. She hates “profit-hungry capitalists and prep clones," loves rock ‘n’ roll.

You've got it, flautist: When she’s not singing or playing the flute їп а band, Illinois’ Shannon Johnson
(obove left) mulls over careers. "I'd rather be o singer than a chemist,” says Shannon. “I could leave
being a lowyer as a fall-bock profession." Michigan's snazzy Kari Bazzy (above right), once she picks
up her J.D., plans to drop the legal biz for showbiz. Another budding barrister is Lori Middlekauff
af MSU (below left), who recreates swimmingly wherever the buoys are. Purdue's Jennifer Anderson
(below right) has a rallying call—"Here І come, world! all her "sun bathing and partying.”
Then there's lowa born burner Sherry Klemesrud (facing page). After school's out, she tells us, she may
chuck pharmacy for modeling. If that's true, Sherry, we hope you're always down on ће phorm

Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined

That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health.

Extra Mild!
Low Tar!
Great Taste!

Lights: 8 mg. "tar", 0.7 mg. nicotine; 100": 9 mg.
"tar", 0.8 mg. nicotine av. per cigarette by ЕТС method.

1005:
Only 9 mgs. tar.
0.8 mg.nic.

Kings:
Only 8 mgs. tar.
0.7 mg. nic.

PLAYBOY

BULK-RATE RICHES

(continued from page 95)

“One promises to tell HOW YOU COULD HAVE MADE
1555%—WITHOUT BEING AN INVESTMENT EXPERT!”

on the outside of the envelope—you'd be
wrong. It was about the stationing of mis-
siles someplace Upstate, when, of course,
everyone knows they should all be sta-
tioned up in Somebody Else's state,

Junk mail can depress you—what can
you expect from an envelope marked
URGENT and sent from the World Mercy
Fund?—but there's actually quite a lot of
celebrating going on. The amazing Mu-
tual of Omaha offer referred to above was
in celebration of Mutual's 75th anniversa-
ry. The Visiting Nurse Service of New
York was recently looking for $90 dona-
tions in celebration of its 90th anniversary.
A company selling quartz watches for just
two dollars (THIS Is NOT A MISPRINT) was
doing so—all this explained on the out-
side of the envelope—To CELEBRATE THE
10.000000TH WATCH SALE OF THE FAMOUS NEW
YORK JEWELRY FIRM OF ABERNATHY &
CLOsTHER. Surely you know them.

I love the ones marked PERSONAL AND
CONFIDENTIAL down by my name, and BLK
RT in the upper right. And, of course, I get
a lot of animal mail. It is very hard to
resist.

INSIDE: AN URGENT APPEAL ТО STOP THE
KILLING OF 6,000,000 ANIMALS. . . . OPEN AT
ONCE.

Six million animals? How endangered
could they be if there are 6,000,000 of
them? What are we talking here—hogs?
chickens? Oh, God. . . . OK, ГЇЇ open it.

The appeal proved to be from the Kan-
garoo Protection Foundation. One might
think this largely an Australian issue, but
apparently it’s all our fault for lifting the
ban on kangarooskin importation. We did
so, according to the letter, “under intense
pressure from the Australian govern-
ment,” which, democratically elected
though it may have been, obviously knows
nothing about the wishes of the Australian
people, who are, the letter says, all bat shit
over the kangaroo harvest.

The compromise I worked out with the
K.P.F.—having opened these letters, one
must rationalize one’s nonresponse—was
this: I would send no money, but neither
would I ever cat or wear anything even
remotely marsupial.

Why should 1? I have more than
enough delicacies available parcel post.

From the Collin Street Bakery: *wHAT
BORDEAUX IS TO WINE AND MAINE IS TO
LOBSTER, CORSICANA, TEXAS, IS TO FRUIT-
CAKE"—THE NEW YORK TIMES. The bakery's
so darn proud of that fruitcake, a four-
color mouthful of it peeks out at you
through the Texas-shaped Plasticine win-
dow. These are, furthermore, guaranteed
fruitcakes (I couldn't resi: opened the
envelope). If you or your friends have euer

tasted better, your money is refunded. Bob.
McNutt, Bill McNutt and Bill McNutt
Ш stand behind that promise, and Gene
Autry and the Kuwait Oil Company are
on the list of Distinguished Clientele.

And from Cheeselovers International
(never mind how I get on these lists): 1F
YOU FIND A THREE-INCH PINK SLIP IN THIS
ENVELOPE, YOU HAVE WON A DIAMOND NECK-
LACE IN OUR $1000 SWEEPSTAKES.

I don't wear jewelry, but that is only
because I've been waiting to win a
Cheeselovers International diamond neck-
lace. I opened the envelope.

The letter begins: “Dear Cheeselover:
Before you look at a single cheese—scarch
through this envelope. If you find a three-
inch colored slip, it may be your lucky
day. And if the colored slip you find is
pink, it means you have won a genuine
diamond solitaire necklace. To claim your
prize, just follow the directions on the pink
slip. [The cheese writer seems confident
ГІІ find a pink slip.] Then—once you've
calmed down (if you are a winner)—look
at our delicious cheeses.”

(Special this month: the Créme de
Menthe Cheese Ball, “the most sophisti-
cated cheese spread of all." Move over,
Velveeta.)

Well, it did take me a while to calm
down, let me tell you. Because, naturally,
like everyone else who got this mailing, I
found a pink slip. But I never bothered to
claim my free necklace (which cost two
dollars for shipping), because I had а feel-
ing the diamond might be kind of smaller
than the one I'd been dreaming of-

Actually, I was lucky to be offered a
diamond necklace of any size. (Hey, fella,
what more do you want?) My August
Cheeselovers letter had declared promi-
nently across the outside of the envelope,
NOTICE OF REMOVAL. I risked being struck
from its mailing list if I didn’t order some
cheese. The next month, I got an envelope
that said, GOODBYE. THIS MAY BE THE LAST
LETTER YOU RECEIVE FROM Us. And now, a
month later still, and still having ordered
no cheese, I was getting a diamond neck-
lace from them.

I'm being snotty. Cheeselovers’ crème
de menthe cheese balls are probably just
fine, and for a certain segment of America,
Cheeselovers must really pep up the
morning’s mail. The segment I have in
mind would include Calvin Klein’s girl in
the trailer in rural Georgia; you know, the
one who has these friends? Dot and Earl?
Who have this dream? They have this
dream that one day—one day—they
dream that one day they'll see Atlanta!

The diamond, | discovered someplace in
the mailing, was a 17-facet quarter-point

stone. Say, hey, José! A little calculation
(there are 100 points in a carat; a carat is a
fifth of a gram; a gram is 3.5 hundredths
of an ounce) produced a gem weighing
nearly 18 millionths of an ounce. Dia-
mond dust.

But if diamonds are no: a great invest-
ment, and if getting them free for two
dollars apiece from Cheeselovers Interna-
tional is not the best means of acquisition,
there's no lack of mail to tell you what is.

Here's an envelope that promises to tell
HOW YOU COULD HAVE MADE 1555%—WITHOUT
BEING AN INVESTMENT EXPERT: Of course,
the implication that investment experts
make 1555% is almost as absurd as that by
opening this envelope and signing up for
this service, you will, too.

The headline on the back reads, How ^
S10000 INVESTMENT BECAME MORE THAN
$165,000 SINCE 1975: A footnote beneath the
text next to the chart (all this on the back
of the envelope) confesses that this was a
hypothetical $10,000. But it would'a
grown to $165,000 if only this service had
discovered and promoted its magic for-
mula back in 1975. There follows the
SEC-inspired disclosure that past RESULTS
ARE NOT NECESSARILY A GUARANTEE FOR
EQUIVALENT FUTURE RESULTS—the under-
statement of the age, particularly since, in
this case, past results were hypothetical.

(You tell me what happened over the
past ten or 20 years, and ГЇЇ construct а
sure-fire strategy that would have worked
magnificently if only you had followed it.
One such involves buying stocks whenever
a premerger N.F.L. football team wins
the Super Bowl and shorting them when-
ever an A.F.L. team wins. As Professor
Steven Goldberg has pointed out, infinite-
ly more remarkable than this coincidental
correlation would have been someone's
predicting it. No one did.)

For $96 a year, you get to see whether
or not a strategy that would have worked
over the past eight years is the right one
for the next eight. Moreover, there's NO
EMOTIONAL INVOLVEMENT. NO GUESSWORK.
No worry. Just follow the monthly advice.
Like connect the dots, only at the end
you're rich. What’s more, if after two
months you're not pleased with the news-
letter (how can you assess its performance
after two months?), you can get your mon-
ey back (less the $16 you paid for the first
two newsletters and any moncy you may
have lost following its advice).

Or perhaps you'd rather PROFIT BY
LEARNING POLITICIANS’ DIRTY LITTLE SE-
CRETS, as another envelope invited. It
offered ^ UNIQUE NEW PUBLICATION FOR THE
SOPHISTICATED INVESTOR, just $275 a year.
Isn't that great? Here you have scores of
sophisticated reporters for The Economist
and The Wall Street Journal struggling to
come up with the occasional secret, and
these two guys (two guys write it) come up
with a newsletter full of dirty little secrets

(continued on page 166)

NAME THE. BUTLER ON, WHAT IS THE. TALLEST
“THE ADDAMS FAMILY. Ж _ MOUNTAIN IN THE 0.5. 2

MT McKINLEY! ONE MORE ) HAVE YOU EVER 1 THAT WASN'T
AND X WIN! A CHEATED ON . . THE RIGHT
= YOUR WIFE 2 d
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TYRANNOSAURUS SEX by Chris Browne & John Stevens

В LEATHERS! OR ALL 1 KNOW,
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gi MS = €—À 4

145

146

SIR RONALD!

WHEEZE..GASP! f

YESTERDAY, WE CHARGED WE SAID THAT TODAYS
“THAT SOCIETY HAD BECOME WOMEN HAD BECOME

Too PERMISSIVE! SO PROMISCUOUS...

woz NERVE—RACKINZ

SO, ЈАМЕ, WHAT DO YOU THINK

OF GAUGUINS TECHNIQUE?

“THAT MEN ARE ABLE
TO INDULGE THEIR:
SAVAGE LUSTS WITHOLIT
HALT OR HINDRANCE!

Wow THAT CHASE SCENE SHORE | (AH THOUGHT IT WouLD) | YE
NEVER END.

by FRANK BAGINSKI
—-

(V HERE WITH ANOTHER
VIEWPOINT...

AH, BUT AH FINALLY N

CAUGHT UP WITH YOU

IN THE BACK ROW OF THE

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7 OH, HENRI! HOW CAN

YOU ASK ME THAT ?
YOU KNOW I'D NEVER
SLEEP WITH GAUGUIN! 4

BETSY'S BUDDIES by Kurtzman and Downs

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| TANA

PLAYBOY

COCAINE (continued from page 114)

“The person who is addicted to cocaine responds

differently the very first time he uses it.

2»

Obviously, that leaves room for interpre-
tation. The presumption is that we are all
sensible enough to make reasonable inter-
pretations. By that definition, for exam-
ple, food could be considered addictive.
And while some people, using nothing
more dangerous than food, exhibit all
three symptoms, no sensible person is
going to suggest that we classify food as
addictive. The fact is that the addictive
properties of a substance appear to be far
less important than a person's tendency to
become addicted.

Years ago, scientists proposed the exist-
ence of an addictive personality—mental
characteristics that link all addicts—but it
has not stood the tests of time and further
research. When an addict stops using the
drug, his personality changes. He no long-
er fits the addictive personality.

Smith believes there may be something
physically different about addicts that
makes them get hooked on drugs. They
have a disease. “My perception,” he says,
is that it is a multifactorial illness,
including psychophysiology, environment
and pharmacological factors" Mind,
body, environment and the drug itself
interact to produce addiction

If what Smith says is true, the implica-
tions are remarkable. If you suffer from
addictive disease and try cocaine, alcohol,
heroin or some other addictive drug, you
will develop all the symptoms: compul-
sion, loss of control and continued use of
the substance in spite of adverse conse-
quences. If you do not have the disease,
you may try those drugs and not suffer
any ill effects. (Little is known about why
some people become addicted to heroin
and not cocaine, or to alcohol and not
heroin, or to amphetamines and not co-
caine, though addiction to several drugs at
once is common.)

“Interestingly,” Smith says, “the per-
son who is addicted to cocaine responds
differently the very first time he uses it.
Later, he'll use terms that are qualitative-
ly different from those that others use to
describe the experience of taking cocaine
the first time: “This is the greatest thing
that ever happened to me’ or words to that
effect. An alcoholic will use terms that are
qualitatively different, too.” The person
with addictive disease, then, is mentally
and physically different from the rest of
the population, according to the findings
of Smith and others.

That does not mean that someone who
does not have addictive disease is immune
to addiction. If you forcibly administer
heroin to someone long cnough, he will
develop a physical dependence that can

мв cause illness and even death. Physical

withdrawal symptoms from cocaine addic-
tion do exist, though they are not nearly as
severe as those from heroin and alcohol.
And they are insignificant їп light of
cocaine's devastating psychological effects
during addiction and withdrawal.

“It is neither that coke is safe nor that
everyone who touches it becomes ad-
dicted,” says Smith. “If 100 people use
cocaine, not all will becorne addicted to it.
Not all people will become addicted to
alcohol. Ten percent of the people who use
alcohol become alcoholics. In our experi-
ence, ten percent of the people who are
exposed to cocaine become addicted to it.
About 30 to 40 percent will have an epi-
sode of dysfunction." That means they
will have a seizure or a coke binge that
makes them sick or in some other way feel
the ill effects of the drug.

Smith believes he is treating the same
disease in every case, whether the symp-
tom is alcoholism, heroin addiction,
amphetamine or cocaine or sedative addic-
tion. Richard Pryor, Betty Ford, Daniel J.
Travanti, Johnny Winter, Thomas “Hol-
lywood” Henderson, Johnny Cash and
Keith Richards all have the same disease.

“Tt means people can experiment with
coke and not abuse it,” Smith says. He is
quick to add that it is quite a dangerous
experiment. In addition, there are some
special problems that go along with co-
caine addiction. For one thing, the coke
addict tends to be very naive about the
drug he’s taking.

“We see intelligent, successful individu-
als who have inadequate information
about cocaine. The heroin addicts know
heroin is dangerous and addictive. Co-
caine addicts don’t know what a street
junkie knows.” Smith says that he sees
cocaine addicts who are amazed to learn
that it can kill you. “Апа we've known for
100 years that cocaine can kill you.

“These are people who are highly moti-
vated to quit,” Smith adds. “These people
see it and they become compulsive. I know
a lawyer who had quit successfully, and
one day a client tried to pay him in
cocaine, He put a big pile of coke on the
desk. And the lawyer tried for an hour to
throw it in the toilet, but he couldn't touch
it. His drug hunger was so strong that he
had to call a friend to throw it in the toilet,
because he was unable to touch it without
actually using it up. Cocaine is like
Kryptonite for these people.”

“Substance-abuse disorders are a dis-
€ase, but whether or not they're all опе
discasc has yet to be proved," says Dr.
Mark Gold. He established the toll-free
number 800-COCAINE to help people

having problems with cocaine and was
astounded to find that some 1100 people а
day called during the first year of opera-
tion (May 1983 to May 1984). In one
three-month period, 100,000 people
called. *An incredible 22,000,000 Ameri-
cans—one out of every ten—report that
they have used cocaine at least once,”
Gold says. “And every day, some 5000
teenagers and adults try it for the first
time. Currently, we're stable at 1000 to
1200 calls a day on the hotline. I keep
waking up and expecting no one to call,
but there they are.”

By asking the callers questions, Gold
has been able to build an unprecedented
body of information about cocaine users.
Of a randomly selected 500 people who
called 800-COCAINE, for example,
“more than nine in ten said they had
sometimes used their supply of the drug
continuously until it was exhausted, no
matter how much they had on hand.”
That is significant because it is the first of
three conditions in the current definition
of addiction: compulsion.

Large percentages of Gold’s sample
reported serious problems, most of them
psychological and social. “For example,
45 percent of the 500 respondents said that
they had stolen money from their em-
ployers and from family or friends to sup-
port their cocaine habit.”

Based on his experience with the hot-
line, Gold says, “It’s definitely true that
there are people who have used cocaine
and not become addicted; there's no ques-
tion about that. But remember that to
become a heroin addict, you have to use
the drug multiple times a day for weeks.
People have tried heroin and not become
addicted, too.” In other words, the risk is
not worth it. In that regard, he and Smith
are in complete agreement.

“We have learned some rather interest-
ing things from our people,” Gold says
“For example, looking at available statis-
tics won't give you an idea of how many
people define themselves as having a prob-
lem. There are people who take cocaine
once a month and define themselves as
addicted. "They think about it all the time,
they try to pick up [people] who might
have it, they change their lives to put
themselves in a position where they'll
get the drug. Fewer than half of our call-
ers use the drug every day."

If that’s true, what is the problem? If
fewer than half aren’t even using it every
day, why are they bothering to call?

“Because it’s interfering with their lives
in some way and they feel they need help.
Of course, we also get those people who
say, ‘I only use it on Friday nights and I've
never had a problem.’ And we say, “Thank
you’ and include that in our data.” Why
do they call? “Coke users like to talk to
people,” says Gold.

“But bear in mind that cocaine does
cause medical problems, psychiatric prob-
lems, problems with lovers, family, work,”

(continued on page 194)

PLAYBOY GUIDE

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PLAYBOY GUIDE

PREVIEW

HIS MAGAZINE has always had a spe-

cial relationship with the college

crowd. It goes beyond the fact that
PLAYBOY is the best-selling men's magazine
on campus. As in every successful rela-
tionship, it's all a matter of give and take.
This year, we've decided to underscore
our commitment by greatly increasing our
college coverage. This first Back to Carn-
pus Guide includes such updated favorites
as our annual college fashion preview,
plus features on putting together a com-
plete “real-world” wardrobe for $750; a
super selection of great gear (from the hot-
test computer to the spcediest scooter); and
a survival handbook that no one true to his
school would want to be without.

We've combed the country to take the
current campus pulse. We've spoken with
college-newspaper editors, we've hosted a
number of panel discussions among top
students and we've gone where the action
is—to Daytona Beach during spring
break. As а part of pLavsoy’s annual Col-
lege Expo, we put together an in-depth
questionnaire to help us spot tastes and
tends. More than 2000 students from
around the country responded. We found
most of what they had to say fascinating
and a good deal of it surprising.

Those of you who went to school in the
Sixties and Seventies, with the over-
whelming goal of correcting social injus-
tice, might be interested to know that in
response to the multiple-choice question:
"What is your most important goal after
college?" only two percent voted to correct
social injustice. Most said they were in it
for the money: More than two thirds chose
"making money" and "professional sta-
tus." "Marriage and family" scored 13
percent, “Power” three percent.

Other seemingly significant shifts in-
cluded political persuasion. While 35 per-
cent professed liberal leanings, 33 percent

PLAYBOY GUIDE COVER PHOTOGRAPHY BY OAVID MECEY

now called themselves conservatives.
Moderates finished third, with 29 percent.
Only three percent refused to be labeled.

When students were asked to choose
one from a list of male role models that
ranged from Ronald Reagan to Michael
Jackson, the leading vote getters were
Chrysler chairman Lee Iacocca and Red-
skins quarterback Joe Theismann. But
Michael J. did edge out Reagan, while
leaving the likes of William F. Buckley,
Ted Kennedy and Garry Trudeau
behind.

On the women’s side, Jane Fonda beat
out Christie Brinkley and Princess Diana.
Also-rans included Katharine Hepburn
(perhaps youth is wasted on the young)
and Sandra Day O'Connor. Nancy Rea-
gan pulled up the rear.

We asked a number of social questions,
too. Most students found friendship, trust
and love to be the most important factors
in a relationship. Fidelity, physical ap-
pearance and sex were thought to be
somewhat important. And money—in a
relationship, anyway—was considered
least important of all.

When students were asked which activ-
ity they'd choose first when looking for à
good time, sex finished an overwhelming
number one. At least some things never
change. Music and sports scored respecta-
bly. Trailing the field were TV and drugs.

We started to spot a trend with that last
answer. We went on to ask respondents to

rank certain substances (controlled and
otherwise) as to their probability of pres-
ence at a campus party. Beer was the clear
leader, with liquor and wine coming in
second and third. Marijuana, cocaine and
a variety of pills were at the bottom.

Since fashion is a major part of our cov-
erage here (90 percent of the guys told us
they thought it was important to be well
dressed), we asked some questions about
clothing. The average college man, our
survey shows, owns 22 suits and 2.4
sports jackets, numbers that are sure to
grow as he approaches graduation. Most
estimated that they spend between $500
and $1000 a year on clothes, shoes and
accessories. That's why we tailored our
starting wardrobe to the $750 mark.

You'll also note that our fashion models
this time out aren't professionals. Instead,
we went to a number of schools and photo-
graphed some big men on campus. How
big are they? Well, one of them is St.
John’s 6'6“ all-American forward Chris
Mullin. You'll meet the others shortly.

Putting together this particular Guide
proved to be a great learning experience
for us. From the beaches of Daytona to the
frat houses of the Ivies, we have seen the
future. And we like what we see.

Maury any

Editor, Playboy Guides

151

152

PLAYBOY GUIDE

THE CLASS ОЕ ’85

some of the country’s top collegians

wear the season’s hottest clothes

FASHION DIRECTOR
HOLLIS WAYNE

PHOTOGRAPHY BY CHUCK BAKER

To those who care about clothes, college has always meant
comfort—a casual look that gets you through what you have to
do. But as we visited various campuses this year, we noticed а
decided difference. While jeans and sneakers were certainly still
present, there was a trend toward dressing up—not so much
suits and ties (though, as you'll see, they have their place) but
more of a fashion feel to everyday wear. College clothes today
are a bit more thought out. Lots of layers. A feel for color (jewel
tones, such as emerald, are big). And a closer eye for detail—
from the military influence of outer jackets to the tailored
twists of casual pants. There’s something special happening in
campus fashion. Our model students show you the vanguard

University of Pennsylvonio finance major Eric Hers man (lorge photo)
banks on a wool-blend stadium coot, by Trappings, $110. His ragg
tweed crewneck with patterned stripes, by Jantzen, $38, is worn
over a plaid buttondown, by Evan-Picone, $29. For extra warmth,
his canvas “baggy” pants ore flannel-ined, by Air Mail, $50.
Blanket-striped lamb's-wool scarf, by Shady Character NYC, $25.

Princeton University ecanomics major Jahn Hoyt Richards (top right)
sports o corduroy blazer with a buttan-in wool lining, sa it can be
vsed as on avter jacket, by Authentic Imports, $170. Wool window-
pone vest is by Crossings, $60. Corduroy shirt, by Hang Ten, $40, is
worn over a cotton T-shirt, by Jockey Intl., $6.50. Windowpane
pleoted pants are by Sahara Club, $55. Wrangler shoes, $45.

To weather the cold Chicago winters, Northwestern University neu-
robiology major Dean Karahalics (batiom right) wears a down
coat, by Bill Blass Outerweor, $250, over a showl-collar pullover,
$62.50, and ribbed muffler, $16.50, bath by Pendleton. Turtleneck,
by Jockey Intl, $15, is shown under a plaid shirt, by Generra
Sportswear, $2B. Cotton canvas trousers, by Sahara Club, $28.

PLAYBOY GUIDE

Do big men have big fashion problems? St. John’s all-American
forward Chris Mullin (below) doesn't think so. His ribbed wool
shawl-collar cardigan, by Merona Sport, $95, is worn over a cotton
crewneck, by Lord Jeff, $40. The two ore teamed with a plaid
buttondown, by Gants Big and Tall, $37.50. The wool-blend
pleated trousers, by Pierre Cardin, $55, finish off a polished look.

Glenn Meyers (right), a Columbia University mechanical-engineering
major who plans to go to med school, displays an updated jeans
look. The layered shirts—khaki brushed cotton, by Merona Sport,
$47.50, ond indigo dyed silk, by Code Bleu, $55—are worn under
а cottonfilled wool vest, by Henry Grethel, $90. Stone-washed
denims with tapered legs, by Marithé & Francois Girbaud, $55.

University of Maryland psychology major Mike Bogart (far right)
goes casual with a cotton twill military jacket, by Rescue, $52, over
а Jacquard knit crew-neck, from Country Treditionals, by Pendle-
ton, $60. Shirt, by Sahara Club, $22. Diagonal corduroy pleated
trousers, by Evan-Picone, $55. Argyle socks by Henry Grethel for
Camp Hosiery, $6.50. Boat shoe, by Wrangler Shoes, $47.

WOMEN S FASHION. SUSANN CRAIG. THE APPAREL CENTER. CHICAGO, IL.

em fons
ёт. nicotine av. per cigarette
РЕА

Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined
That Cigarette Smoking !s Dangerous to Your Health.

Fev a

PLAYBOY GUIDE

GREAT GEAR

school supplies that make the grade

For easy travel, pack up this Merona Sport garment bag (top).
Inside, you'll find three suit hangers, shoe pockets ond a matching
Dopp kit. Of sturdy cotton convas, it’s machine washable, $96.

Canon's Typestar 5 cordless electronic typewriter (above) is so quiet,
it won't wake your roommate. H weighs only six pounds and
features letter-quality print and automatic carriage return, $250.

Record o poly-sci lecture or listen to your favorite tape with Sony's
Soundabout WA-200 AM/FM stereo Cossette Corder (below).
There's а builtin speaker, auto reverse and instant edit, $170.

Ht may be easier to buy a six-pack, but ће Windsor's Choice Home

Brewery (bottom) is more fun. The kit provides yeast, barley malt
ond everything else needed to make 12 bottles of beer, about $25.

For the ultimate in
campus travel, check
out the Honda Elite
scooter. It’s driven by o
powerful 124-c.c. liq-
» vid-cooled four-stroke

i engine, has automatic
Transmission, $1198.

PLAYBOY GUIDE

Is only o phone, but we like it. Tri-Star International's Stone-Phone You don't have to be o music major to use Casio's versatile KX-101
is а real conversation piece. it comes with a push-button diol ond Боот box. A portable 16 pounds, it’s on AM/FM computer stereo
а modular plug ond con recall ony number outomaticolly, $30. cossete recorder ond hos o mini-keyboard (37 keys), $499.

The Apple llc portable computer, at just seven and a half pounds, ^ Norelco's Mon Core MC-39 MiniTurbo hair drier travels light. it
has 128K of built-in memory ond is compatible with most lle pocks 1250 watts of power—with two heat and speed settings—
progroms. It hooks up to your TV or o seporate monitor, $1295. іпіо a gun so sleek ond compact, it fits into your Dopp kit, $16.

You'll never be late for o date with this
high-tech SWATCH quartz watch from Swit-
zerland. it's water ond shock resistant, $25.

PHOTOGRAPHY BY CHARLES STEELE

Will your next AM/FM Receiver

“also give you Stereoplex television sound?
Only if its Technics.

Now Technics brings you stereo receivers that are so
technologically advanced, they give you more than
dramatically clean AM. More than brilliant FM. Now
Technics receivers also tune in television sound. And
electronically expand it into Stereoplex television sound.

So with Technics Stereoplex receivers, ordinary TV
shows now sound extraordinary. Special effects now
sound truly spectacular. And there's more.

Every new Technics Stereoplex receiver contains two
microprocessors. The first controls Technics innovative
Computer-Drive circuitry. To actually stop distortion
before it starts. For music of astonishing clarity.

The second microprocessor controls and monitors
the quartz synthesis tuner. The most accurate tuning
system in the world. For locked-in, drift-free reception.

In addition, there’s an input to connect a Compact
Disc player, a VCR or a video monitor.

The new Technics stereo receivers. More than AM.
More than FM. Even more than television sound.
Because they're more than ordinary stereo receivers.
They're Technics.

Technics

The science of sound

PLAYBOY GUIDE

THE $750 WARDROBE

how to look good without losing your shirt

YOUR SENIOR YEAR. It’s not time to chuck the
sweat shirt and jeans, just time to add to
them and pull together a “real-world”
wardrobe that will give you a smooth fash-
ion transition from school to job interview
to starting the job. What you see on these
two pages is a starting wardrobe that costs
just under $750.

‘The senior in the photos here is Joseph
Rubach, a corporate-media major at Itha-
ca College. We made some crucial changes
from his campus-casual look, as seen in
the “before” snapshot, to ready him for
interviews and entrance into the business
world. We cropped his hair closer and
added a part. And we exchanged his avia-
tor glasses for more classic tortoise shells

Then we found the perfect interview
suit, a charcoal-gray worsted wool, by
Evan-Picone, about $225. The conserva-
tive single-breasted jacket is updated with
pleated trousers that can be worn with the
sports jacket on the next page. The striped
dress shirt, by Van Heusen 417, $22.50, of-
fers contrast, while the silk rep tie, by Bos-
ton Traders Neckwear, $20, adds class.
For a touch of flair, we've given him sus-
penders, by Bond Street Suspender &
Belts, $8. The polished-black-leather loaf-
ers, by Winthrop Shoes, $45.95, complete
the look. Let's see, we've spent $321.45 so
far. The rest of the wardrobe is described
in the caption.

The durably functional tweed sports jacket
is by Jordache, $110. Three buttondown
shirts—a white ond a blue oxford, by Gant,
$29 each, and a plaid, by Chaps-Ralph
Lauren, $31.00. Add three more ties—one
Burgundy and one blue cotton knit, by Oleg
Cassini from Burma Bibas, $10 each; and a
Burgundy foulard, by Resilio Collegiate,
$14.50. Now comes the fun: two sweater
vests, by Jantzen—a Fair Isle pattern, $26,
and a cotton cream-colored fisherman's knit,
$27.50. Each works well with the suit or the
jacket. Then we've added a couple of crew-
necks—a Burgundy with gray tipping, by
Jantzen, $27.50, and a jewel-toned graphic
pattern, by Jockey International, $42. They
wear well under the jacket or on their own.
We've included two pairs of basic yet stylish-
ly pleated trousers. One's a khaki cotton/
polyester, by Cotler, $25; the other, a cotton
pinwale corduroy. by Generra Sportswear,
$26. Add a basic leather belt, from Buxton,
$12, and a casually dressy pair of Argyle
socks, by Burlington Socks, $4.50, and you
have the makings of a closetful of finery. The
key here is that everything works to-
gether. You can mix, match, layer, dress up.
or dress down—and all for a grand total
of $745.45. Why, there's even enough left
over from our $750 budget for you to buy a
copy of this magazine to give to a friend.

PHOTOGRAPHY BY CHUCK BAKER
GROOMING BY CHRISTOPHER CAMAL, EVA OF NEW YORK

PHOTOGRAPHY BY RAEANNE GIOVANNI

PLAYBOY

162

At what point do you become
aserious photographer?

And that's where the Olympus OM-4
with Multi-Spot Metering makes a
world of difference. Because now you
can decide which part of your photo-
graph deserves the best exposure. Just
center your subject in the microprism
section of the viewfinder, push the
spot button to set in the reading,
recompose, and shoot for the perfect
exposure. In fact, you can take up to
8 individual readings for each shot;
the OM-4's computer will balance
them perfectly. And you can store a
reading in the OM-4's memory for up
to an hour when you're planning a
whole sequence of shooting.

With the OM-4, you'll capture
backlit, spotlit, and high contrast
Scenes as never before. Without
bracketing. Without compensating
Without wasting a shot. The OM-4
even features Highlight Control
and Shadow Control for the most
It starts with a glimmer. A spark in your mind, hinting dramatic effects imaginable.

that photography can be more than just a quick way to You really have to see the OM-4 to believe it. Visit your

freeze a memory. Olympus dealer, or write for a brochure: Olympus, Dept.Q,
As that feeling grows, things like composition, Woodbury, NY 11797. In Canada: W. Carsen Co. Ltd., Toronto.

angle, and lighting become an exciting challenge. Time The Olympus OM-4. We think every serious photog-

consuming? Yes. Worth it? Definitely. And you notice that rapher will own one.
while others might hope for interesting pictures to hap-
pen, you can make them happen.

Soon (though you can't exactly remember
when), you begin to refer to your pictures as photo
graphs. And nobody's laughing. Because in your
photographs, you're capturing not just people and
places, but feelings

It is possibly at this point that you smile at how
far you've come. Yet can't help wondering how far
you can go

It is at this point that you can fully appreciate the
Olympus OM-4

In anage when most camera innovations are
designed to give you less to do, the OM-4 has some-
thing that lets you do more. Its called Multi-Spot
Metering. And it gives you what photographers have
dreamed of since the beginning of photography itself-
creative control of light.

You see, most cameras, as sophisticated as they are;
have an averaging meter, which averages all the high-
lights and shadows in your scene and gives you an
exposure somewhere in between. You can't tell an averag-
ing meter to give special attention to the areas you feel
are most important. So, very often, you end up with a
photograph that's, well, average. WHEN YOU HAVE MORE TO SAY THAN JUST SMILE

PLAYBOY GUIDE

forget that history exam. here’s what you really need to study

THE BEST SCHOOL
SHIRTS IN THE WORLD

"They sure don’t make them.
like they used to. They make
them better. Our endless shop-
ping of school stores turned
up this trendy selection of the
hot shirts to have. (They're
made by Champion Products.)
Anddon'tworry. Wedon'tknow
where Mankato State is, either.

TT DA

WHERE THE STARS
WENT TO SCHOOL

Ronald Reagan,
College
Johnny Carson, University
of Nebraska
Joan Rivers, Barnard
Madeline Kahn, Hofstra
Dustin Hoffman, Santa
Monica City College
Gloria Steinem, Smith
Steve Martin, UCLA

Eureka

Jackie Onassis, George
Washington

Steven Spielberg, Cal State,
Long Beach

Goldie Hawn, American
University

Jane Fonda, Vassar

Lee Iacocca, Lehigh

Howard Cosell, NYU

Barbara Walters,
Lawrence

George Steinbrenner, Wil-
liams College

Alan Alda, Fordham

Meryl Streep, Vassar

Robin Williams, Juilliard

Woody Allen, NYU

Sarah

MOVIES YOU SHOULD
HAVE SEEN BY NOW

Casablanca
Annie Hall

Fantasia

Godfather and Godfather Ш
Harold and Maude

Psycho

Rocky Horror Picture Show
А Streetcar Named Desire
2001: A Space Odyssey

DON’T GIVE US
THAT EQUALITY CRAP;
THESE MEN HAVE
FAMILIES!

A male full professor at
Princeton is paid an average of
$46,900. A female full profes-
sor at Princeton is paid an
average of $41,900.

THE FIVE BEST FIELDS

that make sense, here are some
that will also make dollars:

TO BE IN WHEN
YOU GROW UP

If you're looking for majors

Computer engineering
Computer law
Computer psychology
Industrial medicine
Mergers and acquisitions

DAVID MECEY
SOME FOLKS

WHO NEVER WENT
TO COLLEGE

Ernest Hemingway
Abraham Lincoln
Tom Stoppard
Henry Clay
Thomas Edison
Moses Malone

THE “INS” AND “OUTS”
OF COLLEGE

Don't ask questions. Just
memorize these lists.

“IN”
Wayfarer sunglasses
Short hair

Gold credit cards
Lacrosse

Beer

K-Swiss shoes
Camouflage socks
Half-inch-wide shoelaces
Baseball jackets

Big sweaters

High-top sneakers
Computers

Tasseled loafers
Chopsticks

HOW TO GET MONEY FAST

Overdrawn at the bank? Need money from home? All you have
to worry about is finding someone to send it. If that friend in deed
goes to a Western Union office with cash or a Visa or Master-
Card, you can have money wired in minutes. (If payment is
by card, Western Union can do it over the phone.) To send $200,
the cost is $18.95. American Express offers a similar service to
cardholders in most cities. The sender must go to its office in
person with cash, a check or a money order. The cost to send $200
is $15. In either case, you pick up the cash at the branch office
nearest you.

THREE DRUGS YOU
DON’T NEED ANYMORE
Cocaine
Angel dust
Vivarin

Nutra-Sweet
Fraternities
Turtlenecks

MTV

Lighting her cigarette
Dating

Answering machines
Zork

One-o'clock classes

"OUT"
Lived-in jeans

Long hair

Sushi

Standard typewriters
Caffeine

Tasteless jokes
Health food

Diets

Alarm watches 163

PLAYBOY GUIDE

Single-edge blades
Mr. T
Scratch & Sniff
Bongs
Sleeping around
Down quilts
White sweat socks
Little black books
Indian food
Skate-boarding
The pill
Cut sweat shirts
Punk
Nine-o'clock classes
BOOKS YOU SHOULD
HAVE READ BY NOW
Ethics, Aristotle
Three Essays on the Theory
of Sexuality, Freud

ON THE RECORD

When we polled students
during spring break in Day-
tona Beach, here's how they
rated the rockers:

NIELSEN, SCHMIELSEN

Forget the ratings. The only
people who watch The Dukes

Е Ulysses, Joyce of Hazzard are nine-year-olds
1. The Police The 051 Computer " Tennessee. Here, pps
2. Van Halen Book, McWilliams our own survey, are the most
3. Michael Jackson Noles from the Under- | popular shows on campus:

4 The Rolling Stones ground, Dostoievsky 1. Hill Street Blues
5. Billy Joel The Making of the Presi- 2. M*A*S*H reruns
6. Def Leppard dent 1960, White 3. Cheers

7. Rush. The Sound and the Fury, 4. 60 Minutes
ЁС an Faulkner 5. Dynasty
9. Lionel Richie Dress for Success, Molloy 6. Magnum, P.I.

10. Bruce Springsteen Great Expectations, Dick- 7. The A-Team

ens 8. General Hospital
The Playboy Advisor on 9. All My Children

Love & Sex, Petersen 10. Knots Landing
‘THE CLIFF'S NOTES OF LIFE

There's a lot more to college success than passing exams—ask
any graduate. For some, this may be the first time away from the
comforts of home, so survival becomes a matter of mastering the
basics—from boiling water to doing laundry. Here are some nitty-
gritty tips to help you get through—at least until Mom calls
back.

* A zipper that’s stuck will move easily if you rub the teeth with
the point of a lead pencil.

* Ifa jeans hem has come down, simply fold it back and fasten
with masking tape.

* Cut yourself shaving? (‘They said you couldn’t function on
two hours’ sleep.) Blot the cut with a tissue and dab with a styptic
pencil. Remember to take the tissue off or you'll look like a
walking men’s room.

+ If you've done laundry even once, you probably know the
fundamentals, such as separating the whites and the colors, ete.
But when it comes to stains, that’s the real test. First, read the
label. If the clothing needs dry cleaning, you’re off the hook. If the

WHAT YOU SHOULD
EAT

Don’t show this list to a
nutritionist. Here are the Big-
gest Munchies on Campus:

Burritos

Orco ice-cream sandwiches

Ribs

Kraft macaroni and cheese

Chicken wings

Oatmeal

IF YOU PUT AWAY
TEN DOLLARS A WEEK
TO GO TO HARVARD,
YOU SHOULD MAKE IT
THROUGH IN ABOUT
108 YEARS

What does college cost?
That depends on the college.
Here's а sampling. The price
shown includes tuition and
room and board for one year.
For state schools, we've given
the resident rate. Nonresident
costs are generally 30-50 per-
cent higher.

Harvard, $14,100

Yale, $13,950

Tufts, $13,836

Colgate, $12,420

SMU, $10,549

UCLA, $3901

Slippery Rock University,

$3384

Michigan State, $4270

THE THREE HOTTEST
GAMES ON CAMPUS

1. Twister

2. Trivial Pursuit
3. Quarters

PICKUP LINES THAT
DON’T WORK

“Your place or mine?”
“Scorpio, right?”
“Haven’t I seen you some-

place before?”
&
$

fabric is washable, proceed as follows:

vinegar, then wash in hot suds. If you're lucky enough to find
lipstick on your collar, rub the stain with petroleum jelly, then
wash in hot water. Get carried away taking notes in business law?
"Those ball-point-ink marks on your sleeve should come clean if
you apply hair spray, then launder. For unidentified stains, a
bottle of club soda is a great emergency treatment. Pour on, then
blot off. (Fresh stains respond best.) Repeat as necessary. Great
on the rug, too.

* If ironing’s not your favorite way to get ready for a date, you
can take the wrinkles out of your clothes by hanging them in the
bathroom while you shower. Close the door and turn on the hot
water. The steam does the rest.

ILLUSTRATIONS BY ROBERT RISKO

For liquor stains, soak in warm water and a few drops of |

“Great jugs.”

= PRESE e

Р. <, zi
A X \ ES wy NC
2 w м z Ку
Я X R e '
ee x

tsi

AN iN
ON СЗ AQ
À >= \ :
Mesi KA ч `
© а ITSONLYACIGARETTE ®
Regular \ LIKE BANG & OLUFSEN +
and Menthol, \ IS ONLYA STEREO

т
\ 12 то. “tar”, 10 mg. nicotine av. per cigarette by FTC method.

Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined
BANG & OLUFSEN® is a trademark of Bang & Olufsen, Inc. That Cigarette Smoking 15 Dangerous to Your Health.
which does not make or license, STERLING? Cigarettes. a

PLAYBOY

BULK-RATE RICHES

(continued from page 144)

“The rub comes when one of your pricy newsletters is
saying one thing, and the other, another.”

month after month after month.

But why spend good money to get
rich—hey, a dollar's а dollar—when the
very next envelope in the pile promises a
free report оп HOW TO ACHIEVE FINANCIAL
INDEPENDENCE IN THE NE} ?1
ache to open the envelope. Pressing real
tight, I can even see the words 1RON-CLAD
Guarantee showing through from the in-
side. But you know my rule about junk
mail. Out it goes.

Because, really, if you sift long enough,
you will eventually come upon an enve-
lope that not only will make you rich, like
the others, and at no cost to you, like the
one above, but without your even having to
open it. Like this one bulk mailed from
Howard Lake, Minnesota, emblazoned
THE DOW WILL PASS 2300 . .. SILVER WILL HIT
395/02... THE PRIME RATE WILL SINK TO 8%
HOUSING VALUES WILL GAIN 30-50% .. ALL
WITHIN 18 MONTHS! The envelope goes on to
promise 10 MORE PROFITABLE FORECASTS FOR
1984-85 FROM THE FASTEST-GROWING INVEST-
MENT ANALYSIS SERVIC AMERICA, but the
four on the outside of the envelope more
than suffice. Just sell everything else and
buy silver.

‘Too easy? Nothing worth while comes
free? OK, go ahead and pay the subscrip-
tion fee (875, The Money Advocate).

The rub comes when one of your pricy
newsletters is saying one thing, and the

other, another. Or when both are saying
the same thing and both prove wrong.
This happens all the time.

Who's right? you wonder—and, as if by
telepathy, comes, bulk rate, a buff-and-
maroon envelope headlined just that way.
WHO'S RIGHT? It enumerates contrasting
predictions by Howard Ruff and Harry
Browne (gold will zoom; no, it won't);
Vern Myers and James Blanchard (defla-
tion is unstoppable; 30-35 percent infla-
tion’s around the corner); the Aden Sisters
and Mark Skousen (gold's going to $4000;
don’t hold your breath). Gee! All these
experts, full of praise for one another and
frequently touting one another’s pricy
monthly poop sheets, and disagreeing—
Who's Right?

AT Last, reads the envelope, YOU CAN
FIND OUT! (SEE INSIDE) One examines the
envelope in hope of unmasking this arbiter
of investment prediction, this Edgar Cayce
of international finance, but there’s no
return address. So we'll never know who
the genius is unless we open the envelope,
and you know the rule.

(One set of envelopes I do consistently
open comes from American Express Trav-
el Related Services Company. I open them
to see just how far the concept "travel-
related” can be stretched. No fewer than
three such travel-related offers came in
one day’s mail not long ago. One was for

a $540 Vidal Sassoon Infinity Neck-
lace [sorry, I get all my jewelry from
Cheeselovers|; another offered goblets en-
graved with my name and crest; the third
offered a dozen crystal paperweights, pre-
sumably to keep my papers from flying all
over while I’m off traveling.)
.

Junk costs 11 cents to mail if
than 3.9111 ounces, or 5.2 cents if
than 3.5708 ounces and the sender is non-
profit. Heavier pieces are lumped together
and charged by the pound: 45 cents com-
mercial, 23.3 cents nonprofit. But if you
bundle by Zip Code, you knock off nine
tenths of a cent if you're nonprofit, 1.7
cents if you're not—are you writing all
this down?—and if you sort by carrier
route, as well, subtract yet another
penny (nonprofit) or 1.9 cents (commer-
cial) You can tell that the Vita-Mix
Corporation sorts its urgent bulk mail
by Zip and carrier route (PLEASE RUSH
DATED MATERIAL ENCLOSED) by the thrifty
7.4 cents metered on each envelope.

Hello—what’s this? Гуе just received a
COMPUTER “TRANSMITTED,
SAGE—URGENT, NATIONAL WIRE-GRAM. You
don't find those in your mail every day! A
window in the envelope says it was trans-
mitted at precisely 16:56 Eastern Stand-
ard Time. My name and address are
spelled wrong, and there's a BLK вт indicia
up in the right-hand corner.

Swamped by all this stuff? тоо вло,
TOBIAS, reads the caption of a cartoon
showing through the window of an enve-
lope designed to catch me in mid-flick, 1
TOLD YOU READING 43 NEWSPAPERS WOULD
WARP YOUR MIND! This would appear to be
the beginning of a pitch for a news-digest

PRIORITY MES-

“He has one helluva windup.”

newsletter, not to be confused with a
newsletter-digest_ newsletter, several of
which solicit with equal enthusiasm. The
style of the cartoon is suspiciously like one
that shows through the window of another
envelope, in which I am apparently in the
midst of a tax audit. “rosias, says the
auditor, “YOU SHOULD BE PROUD TO BE A TAX.
PAYING AMERICAN.”

"AM LAM" I apparently say, but a bal-
loon above my head shows I am thinking 1
could be just as proud on half the taxes.

Personalized junk-mail cartoons? ГЇЇ
bet they don’t have them in Russia. Does
this mean that ten years from now the
cable boxes atop our TV sets will insert
our names into the audio whenever the
commercial broadcaster leaves a coded
blank ("You deserv a break today—
"Tobias—at McDonald's")? And will that
spell the end cf junk mail as we know it?

"These are heavier questions than I
mean to ask or dare to answer. A better
question is “Сап any of these financial
newsletters make you money?"

Some undoubtedly can. But which?

WOULD YOU PAY $5 PER MONTH TO FIND OUT
WHOSE INVESTMENT ADVICE REALLY WORKS?
asks an envelope. To which the sensible
reply is, “No, but Г pay £5000 a month
to know whose will.” 105 easy to find
newsletters (or mutual funds or brokers or
crapshooters) that just had a great couple
of years; not at all easy to judge which will
have them next.

The purpose of a $135-a-year news-
letter called the Hulbert Financial Digest
(409 First Street, S.E., Washington, D.C.
20003), which tracks the performance of a
variety of other newsletters, is to find
the ones with the hot hands and climb
on board while they’re hot, then abandon
ship (before everybody else does) when
their hands begin to cool. Never mind that
most of your gains, if you have gains, will
be short term and, thus, heavily taxed. It’s
particularly important to bail out ahead of
everyone else when a letter has developed
a following. When 5000 of you go to sell
300 shares each of some $13 stock—well,
1,500,000 shares may be more than the
market can absorb without the price slip-
ping a point or four. (Indeed, the hot
hands get hotter, at least for a while,
because their recommendations are fre-
quently, in the short run, self-fulfilling.)

One of the hottest hands, at least until
recently, has belonged to Dr. Martin
Zweig, whose $245 Zweig Forecast (747
Third Avenue, New York, New York
10017) is published every three weeks,
with special bulletins when conditions
warrant and a hotline you can call for
daily comment. Marty Zweig is a smart
and personable fellow. Whether paying
him $245 a year will greatly improve your
lot in life I cannot say. On the back page of
each newsletter, there’s a listing of his
open positions (the things he’s recom-
mended you buy), along with the paper
profit or loss you would have made on

each one. At the bottom of the list is a
figure for average profit: 12.9 percent in
the most recent letter, though I don't
believe it takes into account brokerage
commissions or taxes.

That figure doesn’t attempt to include
all the wonderful profits you may have
reaped from Dr. Zweig’s past recommen-
dations—only the profit or loss on the
positions he suggests you still hold. It's not
a weighted average in any way—just the
sum of 16 profit and loss percentages
divided by 16. What's interesting to me is
the temptation Zweig must be under not
to recommend sale of the first two entries
on his list, IBM, up 66 percent from
where he recommended it in July 1982,
and Walgreen, up 98.5 percent. In fact, a
footnote shows he sold half those positions
at significantly lower prices ... but has
not yet had the heart to recommend sale of
the other half. In part, that may be
because he thought IBM, even when it hit
130 (he had sold the first half at 83), was
still cheap, and in part—if he’s human—it
may be because he hated to see that win-
ner removed from the top of his list in
every subsequent issue of the newsletter.
Likewise Walgreen, which he had bought
at 17. Half he sold at 25, but the other half
he recommended holding, even when it hit
40. Was it really, at 40, one of the 16 best
buys he could find for his subscribers—or
would it simply have been a shame to have
to drop it from his list? Without those two
magnificent holdovers, IBM and Wal-
green, the average gain before commis-
sions and taxes on the 14 other open
positions in the issue I’m looking at would
have been three percent.

It’s got to be a nightmare to have tens of
thousands of people scrutinizing every
investment decision you make, so I sympa-
thize with Zweig. The nightmare is in
part ameliorated by the $245 а year each
of those tens of thousands of onlookers
tosses into the pot, but let’s not begrudge
the Zweig Forecast that money. In 1981
and 1982, followers of Zweig's recommen-
dations would have gotten it back in
spades and shovels and wheelbarrows.
Zweig was great. In 1983 and at least the
сапу part of 1984, his subscribers could
have done about as well as Zweig on a
Sealy Posturepedic. However, for the rest
of 1984 and all of 1985, Zweig’s recom-
mendations are likely to be extraordinari-
ly good, as they were in 1981 and 1982; or
else not so good, as they were in 1983; or
else kind of rotten, as they were on rare
occasions way back when. Who knows?
The Option Advisor, reports Hulbert in
his digest, was up a spectacular 97.9 per-
cent in the first quarter of 1984 ($180
a year, Box 46709, Cincinnati, Ohio
45246). On the other hand, it was down
93.4 percent in 1983. If you'd invested
$10,000 according to its recommendations
in 1983, you'd have been down to about
$660 by the start of 1984, and then that

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$660 would have doubled.

And how can we forget Joe (“I can nev-
er be wrong again") Granville, whose
market-shaking predictions you could
have received for $250 a year or, when he
was really hot, by watching the nightly
news? Granville was great for a while,
except that those who stuck with his
advice would ultimately have been wiped
out. (“My name's Granville, not God,” he
eventually shrugged.)

Howard Ruff has a newsletter. Sub-
scribe and you may get a free LP on which
Howard sings If 1 Were a Rich Man,
Hymn to America, 1 Walked Today
Where Jesus Walked, My Way, Climb
Every Mountain and The Impossible
Dream ... and/or copies of all of How-
ard’s outdated hardcover books. The
newsletter is largely occupied with intro-
ducing additions to the Ruff family (he
has 30 or 40 kids), spurring readers to
political action (he has his own lobbying
organ) and promoting new or affiliated
newsletters. He has great skills as a com-
municator and marketer, substantial skills
as a singer and financial analyst.

He will start опе newsletter with an
anonymous, and possibly fabricated, letter
зо that he can defend free enterprise and
the profit motive ("Dear Howard: Why
are you always trying to sell us other
newsletters, coins, books and cruises? All
you care about is getting rich. You're

greedy"). He will start another by chew-
ing out impatient subscribers who wonder
why gold and silver still haven't gone up.
The mastery of it is that he actually has
more than 150,000 fans paying $89 a year
(and more) to cheer him on. He’s the
misunderstood multimillionaire underdog,
fighting valiantly against the big bad Gov-
ernment, and the fact that his investment
advice is sometimes good, sometimes not so
good, is almost beside the point. It’s you
and he against the establishment, you and
he against the Russians, you and he
against the welfare cheats, you and he
against Congress (well, he’s got a point
there), you and he against promiscuity,
you and he against impatient, ungrateful
subscribers. You and he on exotic, argua-
bly tax-deductible | investment-seminar
tours. You and he ensuring that his latest
book, Making Money, climbs to number
one on the best-seller list, thereby con-
firming his popularity and expertise.
(“Buy the book sometime in the two weeks
beginning May 14," he offered, and your
newsletter subscription will be extended at
no charge.)

The investment letters I do like don't
attempt to predict world events, the price
of gold or the course of the stock market
but provide the kind of fundamental anal-
ysis on overlooked or undervalued issues 1
don’t have time to do. And even then I

don’t have a great deal of confidence in
them, because picking undervalued stocks
is a tough, tough game. Most people will
be better off picking a seasoned mutual
fund that picks undervalued stocks, such
as Mutual Shares Corporation (26 Broad-
way, New York, New York 10004).

For those who'd rather do it themselves,
the Value Line Investment Survey (711
Third Avenue, New York, New York
10017) is well worth a ten-week trial sub-
scription for $37, including a handbook.
Two upstart newsletters for the small
investor to which you might write request-
ing sample copies are BI Research (Box
301, South Salem, New York 10590) and
F.X.C. Investors (62-19 Cooper Avenue,
Glendale, New York 11385). More wide-
ly known are Charles Allmon’s Growth
Stock Outlook (Box 15381, Chevy Chase,
Maryland 20815) and Market Logic
(3471 North Federal Highway, Fort Lau-
derdale, Florida 33306). Just keep in
mind that this is a tough, tough game to
win.

Generally, when asked where to look
for sound investment ideas, I suggest a
subscription to Forbes. But that's no good,
because no one expects to get rich fast
reading Forbes. We want to believe there's
a simple, worry-free way to make 1555
percent on our money.

(And I don't blame us.)

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170

FRIGID ME N Continued from page 94)

“It’s never seemed to me that one hot person could
jump-start the sleeping passion of another.”

All of which gives scenes like this one,
described to me by the New York thera-
рїї, a certain believability. A friend of
hers, she said, a man in his mid-30s, was
at a cocktail party when a lovely blonde
woman with whom he had hooked eyes
across the room stepped over to him and
said, “You want to fuck?”

“Could we talk first?” he said.

He was running the risk of being called
a wimp, of course, an old term that’s been
dusted off for use on men who don’t put
on the manners of gangsters and drunken
cowboys; because, more often than not,
gentleness in men is taken for weakness.

“Macho was the dirty word of the Sev-
enties,” said the therapist. “Wimp is the
dirty word of the Eighties.”

Nor do those sexual snares lurk out
there for men in their 30s and 40s only.
1 was browsing in a Chicago camera store
not long ago when I eavesdropped on this
conversation between two salesmen be-
hind a counter. Both of them were in their
early 20s.

“How’s your car?” the shorter of the
two asked.

“Right now, it’s working intermittent-
ly,” said the other. “Like my cock.”

“What's the matter with your cock?”

“I don’t think anything’s wrong with it.
I think it’s booze. You sit around all night
with some chick while she decides if she
wants to fuck you, and by the time you get
home and get her pants off, you're too
drunk to do anything about it. At least, I
hope it's the booze."

Chet Ford is a film editor in Los
Angeles. When I asked him if he dated, Һе
said, “Not really. I mean, I don't go look-
ing for trouble.” We both laughed. He
goes out from time to time, he said, with
women he meets around his job. Ford is a
handsome 35, never married, but he’s
been in and out of several long-term
affairs and many short ones in between, a
course that’s left him cooler sexually than
he ever imagined he'd be.

«Гуе become very picky,” he says. “It’s
to the point where I can tell in the first five
minutes whether the lady and I are going
to have anything at all for each other. It
may sound cold, but there are like ten
questions I sort of slide in at the begin-

“Gosh, Mrs. Patterson, your hands feel as smooth
as your 18-year-old daughter’s! What dishwashing
detergent do you use?”

ning, and one wrong answer and that's it.
Гуе become ruthless in my old age. None
of this call-you-Friday stufT. I just tell
them, ‘Sorry, I don't need it? I just broke
up with a woman I'd been seeing for six
months because of her sister, which
sounds petty, I know, but her sister was
just there all the time. 1 broke up with
another girl because she had a bad dog,
and I swear ГЇЇ never go out with a
woman who has a dog again. I hate to
admit it, but I think I’m maturing. I
Mean, you can get sex pretty much any
lime you want it, but for me now, it's
a question of quality sex with quality
women. There's a dilemma there, too,
though. When it gets hot and deep, I break
it off, because I know I fall hard, and
when you end a relationship like that, it
takes a year or a year and a half to recover.
That’s happened to me three times, and
Im just not ready for it again. I can't
afford it."

When I asked him if he was seeing the
same thing among his friends, he said
absolutely yes. “It’s the rat in the snake,”
he said. "Everything that happens to our
generation is a trend."

A sociologist I talked with said yes,
there seemed to be more sexually cool men
out there lately, as far as she could tell
from her surveys. Among other reasons,
she said, she thought it was because men
no longer had the dance on their own
terms. “It used to be that a man asked for
sex when Ae was ready. Now the initiative
is no longer entirely his, and a lot of men
have no idea how to deal with that.”

Maybe, I thought. It’s not very “male”
to be out of the mood. Nowhere is it
recorded that Don Juan ever pleaded
headache. But the bickering over who does
the asking is exactly the kind of sexual-
political question that undoes the juice of
the situation just by the asking. 105 never
seemed to me that one hot person could
jump-start the sleeping passion of another,
no matter which direction the spark was
trying to fly.

For instance, me and a woman I met a
couple of years ago, when I was living in
California. She was 29, pretty, brighter
than most people I know, and she made
more money than I did and lived ina place
nicer than mine, much nicer. But we had a
lot of things in common, like words and
racquetball and having nothing to do with
our Saturday nights. We were out to-
gether in groups six or seven times; we
talked on the phone often—a careful, coy
sort of circling. She didn’t date much, she
said, and complained about all the frigid
men out there. In fact, she said she'd rath-
er stay home and read romance novels
than go out with the jerks who seemed to
be available.

The night we found our way to her
couch, we started at opposite ends. Tense
stuff. Twenty minutes later, we were still

Liberty's head was displayed at the Paris
Universal Exhibition of 1878. Visitor admis-
sions helped pay for construction of the rest of
the statue.

WERE PLEDGING MILLIONS
TO HELP A LADY IN DISTRESS.

She's fallen on hard times. е $, 3 > =R Let’s make sure America’s
But all America is rushing to best-loved lady is decked out in
her rescue. People are digging К her very best for her birthday.
deep into their pockets to ‘ [ The Stroh Brewery Сот-
provide the millions of dollars it SN ve 4 J pany brews Stroh’s, Schaefer,
will take to restore the Statue А SEN 4 Old Milwaukee, Schlitz,

hundredth birthday in 1986.
A number of major U.S.

companies have volunteered

their help. The Stroh Brewery

Company is proud to be one
them.

On Saturday, October 13,
1984, we'll sponsor a 5-mile
“Stroh’s Run for Liberty” in
over 120 cities across the U.S.
A portion of every runner's
entry fee will be donated to
the fund for restoring the
Statue of Liberty
and neighboring Ellis Island.

We have a special reason

for wanting to be part of this
great national undertaking.

Bernhard Stroh built a
small brewhouse in Detroit
in 1850, bringing from
Europe a family brewing
tradition already generations
old. Today's Stroh Brewery
Company is still family-owned.
But we've become the third-
largest brewer in America.

The way we see it, Stroh
is living proof of the fulfill-
ment of the promise Liberty,
stands for.

People like you and companies

like Stroh will raise $230,000,000.
to restore Liberty.

"08.

Cot Eh

PLAYBOY

172

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Up-to-the minute.

So, give your watch a new
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After all the good times
youve had together, it's the
least you can do.

Isn't it about time
you changed your watchband?

Spalm

pretty much jammed in our own corners,
and Í would have given up on the whole
thing except there was sex in the air.
Thin, taut ribbons, perhaps, but sex none-
theless. So I decided to do the work, take
the chances. I got up and made myself a
drink and sat down again so that we were
touching. Just barely. A little later, I
kissed her, lightly, and hugged her a little
She was stiff, skittish. Drum up a litle
heat here, I thought. It might be catching.
So I puta little hunger into the next pass.
Still, nothing but that visceral sort of fear
was coming back. I let go, sat straight
again and looked out the window.

“This is crazy,” I said out loud. And 1
thought, You can’t make a tango out of a
minuet singlehandedly, buster. Let it go.

“It’s just that I like you too much to
think of you as a one-night stand,” she
said. Then she said the irony of it was that
she and her girlfriends used that line all
the time on men they didn’t want but that
she meant it this time.

That was it for me. Whatever embers I
was trying to provoke in myself went to
ash. She was warning me: Sex equals
commitment; get out of town while you
still have time. We were nice to each other
about the whole failed episode, perhaps
because it seemed to be mutual—I
brought the champagne, she brought the
roses—but I left that night promising
myself I'd never make a move оп a woman
again until the spoken or unspoken heat of
the situation burst the rug between us into
flames. It’s a promise I’ve broken since,
and I was always sorry when I did.

If the Don Juan myth ever does die, or
even wither, it's likely to be a long, slow
decline. Men believe in it too strongly,
have been watching their heroes ride
through that script for so long, that they
can’t help defining their deepest selves and
their relationships with women by it. And
maybe the best synopsis of it I've heard for
a long time came from a famous commen-
tator on American sexuality, a man who
spent ten years researching the subject and
then wrote a large book on it.

The first thing he told me was that he
didn’t have much sympathy for any prem-
ise that suggested there might be more
frigid men now than a decade ago. “There
have been men forever who don’t care
much about sex—they buy PLAYBOY and
read the Interview—but they're. excep-
tions," he told me. Then he said he didn't
want to talk about what had changed over
the past ten years between men and
women, that he could better describe the
sexual state of things by summarizing
what hadn't changed at all.

"Men want—need—sexual variety,"
he said. “Women want romance. ГЇЇ tell
you what happens every night of every
year in all the capitals of the world from
Washington to Caracas and in all the
towns between: Men are home masturbat-

ing to pictures. Women are home reading
romance novels.”

When he said that, it reminded me of a
conversation Га had with a very bright,
very successful Chicago woman, a serious
and talented athlete and, like Jan De-
Leon, а romance-novel junkie. I was try-
ing to find out what attracted her to that
whole genre, and when we got around to
Gone with the Wind, she said something
that convinced me that her love for those
books was purely emotional and had abso-
lutely nothing to do with intellect. “I
know without a doubt,” she told me, “that
Rhett Butler came back.”

I'd never thought about it, but I won-
dered at that moment if the difference
between men and women could really be
reduced to something that simple, that
dumb. Does every woman in America
believe that Rhett showed up back on
Scarlew’s porch with his big white hat in
his hands to say he was sorry for the
strong language and that he’d like another
chance?

And does every man believe that what
he did was go on downtown and get a hot
little delta tart and have him an evening?

“ГЇЇ tell you what else hasn’t changed,”
said the writer. “Women are selling; men
are buying. Men have to pay for sex every
time they get it, maybe with flowers or
charm or a job on a picture or whatever.
But they are buying.”

“Seems to me the price has gone up,” I
said.

“Well,” he said, “inflation affects
everything. Still, men will pay anything,
risk anything for sex. In fact, there ought
to be a Congressional medal of honor for
the risks men take to get laid.”

John Simms and I took a walk out onto
опе of the docks that overlook the harbor
at San Pedro, He has а workshop tucked
in among the cargo sheds, where he builds
fine wooden boats one at a time. I hadn’t
come to talk with him about this story in
particular; more just to say hello. He’s a
quiet, decent man in his early 30s, Marl-
boro handsome, and he's working hard to
keep a second marriage together. He
asked what I was doing, and when I said
frigid men, I didn't have to go on much
about what I meant

I started to, but before I got very far
with the explanation, he said, “PI tell you
something. Your dick doesn’t lie. Pain,
fear, anger, resentment, all of them will
suck you right up. Those times before
when you maybe weren’t up for it psycho-
logically but you went ahead anyway—
well, now you just figure, Why the hell
bother to perform? I think it’s just part of
figuring out what you want out of your
relationships. What's important. And if
your dick doesn't want to, you have to
trust it. It's not good or bad. It's just the

way it is."
E]

se
Gmk ore”

“Let’s you and I start this country rolling
again. Let’s go jump in the sack!”

PLAYBOY

174

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JULIUS CAESAR

(continued from page 86)
neck rise—not the herbs or the scent of
storm in the air but something else: the
six-week smell of penned animals in the
hold of a ship, it came to me at last. That
instant, a terrific crash of thunder struck,
much nearer than the rest, making all of
us, even Caesar, jump—all, that is, but the
bearded old man. I heard wind sweep in,
catching at the ragged edges of things,
moving everything that would move.

The first indication that the old man
was aware of us—or, indeed, aware of
anything—came when Caesar inclined his
head to me and said, “Doctor, it’s clase in
here. Undo the window.” The bearded
man’s mouth opened as if prepared to
object—his teeth gleamed yellow—and his
daughter's eyes flew wide; then both, 1
thought, gave way, resigned themselves.
The man’s beard and mustache became
опе again, and the flicker of life sank back
out of his face. I, too, had certain small
reservations. The only window in the
room, its shutters now rattling and tug-
ging, was the one behind the bearded
man’s right shoulder; and though he
seemed not ferocious—he behaved like a
man under sedation, in fact, his cyclids
heavy, eyes filmed over—I did пог relish
the thought of moving nearer to a man
who believed he could change into a мої.
Neither did I much like Caesar's expres-
sion. 1 remembered how once, halting his
army, he'd sent three men into a mountain
notch to find out whether they drew fire.

I made—cunning old fart that I ат
the obvious and inevitable choice. I hob-
bled to the window, throwing my good leg
forward and hauling in the bad onc, mak-
ing a great show of pitiful vulnerability,
my face a heart-rending mask of pro-
foundest apology—I unfastened the
latches, threw the shutters wide and
hooked them, then ran like a child playing
Sticks in the ring back to Caesar. To my
horror, Caesar laughed. Strange to say,
the bearded man, gloomier than Saturn
until this moment, laughed, too. I swung
around like a billy goat to give him a look.
Old age, he should know, deserves respect
or, at least, mercy—not really, of course;
but I try to get one or the other if I can.

“He keep clear . . . werewolf,” the
bearded man said. His speech was slurred,
his voice like the creakiest hinge in Tusca-
ny. He tapped his finger tips together as if
in slowed-down merriment. The night
framed in the window behind him was as
dense and black as ever but alive now,
roaring and banging. Caesar and the two
centurions laughed with the old man as if
there were nothing strange at all in his
admission that, indeed, he was a were-
wolf. The girl’s face was red, whether
with anger or shame I couldn’t guess. For
an instant, I was mad as a hornet, suspect-
ing they'd set up this business as a joke on
me; but gradually, my reason regained the
upper hand. Take it from an old man

who's seen а few things: It’s always а mis-
take to assume that anything has been
done for you personally, even evil

"The world flashed white and the loud-
est crash of thunder yet stopped their
laughter and, very nearly, my heart. Now
rain came pouring down like a waterfall,
silver-gold where the candlelight reached
it, a bright sheet blowing away from us,
violently hissing. The girl had her hands
over her ears. The werewolf smiled, un-
easy, as if unsure what was making all the
noise.

Now that we were all on such friendly
terms, we introduced ourselves. The
man’s name was Védfiet—one of those
northern names that have no meaning.
When he held out his leaden hand to Cae-
sar, Caesar thoughtfully bowed and
looked at it but did not touch it. I, too,
looked, standing a little behind Caesar and
to his left. The man’s fingernails were
thick yellow and carved with ridges, like
old people's toenails, and stranger yet,
the lines of the palm —what I could see of
them—were like the scribbles of a child
who has a vague sense of letters but not of
words. It was from him that the animal
smell came, almost intolerably rank, up
close, even with the breeze from the win-
dow. I'd have given my purse to get the
palps of my fingers into his cranium, espe-
cially the area—as close as I could get—of
the pallium prolectus. Preferably after he
was dead.

“Strange,” Caesar said, gently stroking
the sides of his mouth, head bowed,
shoulders rigid, looking from the werewolf
to me, then back. Caesar seemed unnatu-
rally alert, yet completely unafraid or else
indifferent-—no, not indifferent: on fire, as
if for some reason he thought he'd met his
match. The fingers of his left hand
drummed on the side of his leg. He said,
with the terrible coy irony he uses on sen-
ators, "You seem not much bothered by
these things you do."

The werewolf sighed, made a growllike
noise, then shrugged and tipped his head,
quizzical. He ran his tongue over his
upper teeth, a gesture we ancients know
well. We’re authorities on rot. We taste it,
insofar as we still taste, with every
breath.

“Come, come,” Caesar said, suddenly
bending forward, smiling, sharp-eyed, and
jerked his right hand, fingers tight, toward
the werewolf’s face. The man no more
flinched than an ox would have done,
drugged for slaughter. His heavy eyelids
blinked once, slowly. Caesar said, again in
a voice that seemed ironic, perhaps selí-
mocking, “Your daughter seems bothered
enough!”

The werewolf looked around the room
until he found her, still there on her stool.
She went on staring at her knees. Thunder
hit, not as close now, but loud. Her back
jerked.

“And yet, you,” Caesar said, his voice

rising, stern—again there was that hint of
selí-mockery and something else: lidded
viclence—“that doesn't trouble you. Your
daughter's self-sacrifice, her labor to pro-
tect you”

The man raised his hands from the
table, palms out, evidently struggling for
concentration, and made a growling noise.
Perhaps he said, “Gods.” He spread one
hand over his chest in the age-old sign of
injured innocence, then slowly raised the
hand toward the ceiling, or possibly he
meant the window behind him, and with
an effort splayed out the fingers. “Moon,”
he said, and looked at us hopefully, then
saw that we didn’t understand him.
“Moon,” he said carefully. “Cloud.” His
face showed frustration and confusion,
like a stroke victim’s, though obviously
that wasn't his trouble, 1 thought; no mus-
cle loss, no discernible differentiation be-
tween his left side and his right. “Full
moon . . . shine .. . no, but... .” Although
his eyes were still unfocused, he smiled,
eager; he'd caught my worried glance at
the window. After a moment’s hesitation,
the werewolf lowered his hands again and
folded them.

“The тооп,” Caesar said, and jabbed a
finger at the night. “You mean you
blame——”

The man shrugged, his confusion deep-
ening, and opened his hands as if admit-
ting that the excuse was feeble, then rested
his dull eye on Caesar, tipped his head like

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a dog and went on waiting.

Caesar turned from him, rethinking
things, and now I saw real fury rising in
him at last. “The moon,” he said half to
himself, and looked hard at the centurion,
as if checking his expression. Recklessly,
he flew back to the table and slammed the
top with the flat of both hands. “Wake
up!” he shouted in the werewolf's face, so
ferocious that the cords of his neck stood
out.

The werewolf slowly blinked.

Caesar stared at him, eyes bulging, then
again turned away from him and crossed
the room. He clamped his hands to the
sides of his face and squeezed his eyes
shut—perhaps he had a headache starting
up. Thunder banged away, and the rain,
still falling hard, was now a steady hiss, a
rattle of small rivers on the street. We
could hear the two centurions outside the
door flap ruefully talking. At last, Caesar
half turned back to the werewolf. In the

tone men use for commands, he asked,
“What does it feel like, coming on?”

The werewolf said nothing for a long
moment, then echoed, as if the words
made no sense to him, “Feel like.” He
nodded slowly, as if deeply interested or
secretly amused. The girl put her hands
over her face.

Caesar said, turning more, raising his
hand to stop whatever words might be
coming, “Never mind that. What does it
feel like afterward?”

Again it seemed that the creature found
the question too hard. He concentrated
with all his might, then looked over at his
daughter for help, his expression wonder-
fully morose. She lowered her hands by an
act of will and stared as before at her
knees. After a time, the old man moistened
his lips with his tongue, then tipped his
head and looked at Caesar, hoping for
a hint. A lightning flash behind him
momentarily turned his figure dark

“He’s one of those
hyphenates . . . a writer-producer-actor-asshole. . . .

Caesar bowed and shook his head,
almost smiling in his impatience and frus-
tration. “Tell me this: How many people
have you killed?”

This question the werewolf did seem to
grasp. He let the rain hiss and rattle for a
while, then asked, “Hundreds?” He
tipped his head to the other side, watching
Caesar closely, then cautiously ventured a
second guess. “Thousands?”

Caesar shook his head. He raised his
fist, then stopped himself and changed it to
a stiffly cupped hand and brought it to his
mouth, sliding the finger tips up and down
slowly. A pool was forming on the dirt
floor, leaking in. I cleared my throat. The
drift of the conversation was not what I
call healthy.

"The werewolf let out a sort of groan, a
vocal sigh, drew back his arm and absently
touched his forehead, then his beard.
“Creatures,” he said. The word seemed
to have come to him by lucky accident. He
watched hopefully; so did Caesar. At last,
the werewolf groaned or sighed more
deeply than before and said, “No, but. . . ."
Perhaps he'd suffered a stroke of some
kind unknown to me. No, but is common,
of course—often, in my experience, the
only two words the victim can still com-
mand. He searched the walls, the growing
pool on the floor, for language. I was sure
he was more alert now, and I reached out
to touch Caesar's elbow, warning him
“Man,” the werewolf said; then, hopeless-
ly, “moon!”

“Men do things,” Caesar exploded,
striking his thigh with his fist. He raised
his hand to touch the hilt of his sword, not
quite absently, as if grimly making sure he
could get at it.

“Ax,” the werewolf said. He was work-
ing his eyebrows, looking at his palely
window-lit palms as if he couldn’t remem-
ber having seen them before. “Ax!” he
said. He raised his eyes to the ceiling and
strained for a long time before trying
again. "No, but. . . . No. . . . No,
but..."

Caesar waved, dismissive, as if imagin-
ing he'd understood.

"Their eyes met. The thunder was dis-
tant, the rain coming down as hard as
ever.

"Ax," the werewolf said at last, soft-
ly, slowly shaking, then bowing, his head,
resting his forehead on his finger üps,
pausing to take a deep, slow, whistling
breath through his nostrils. *Ax," he said,
then something more.

"The girl's voice broke out like flame.
She was looking at no one. "He's saying
accident."

Caesar
mouth.

The werewolf breathed deeply again;
the same whistling noise. “Green parks—
no, but—chill-den ——"

Abruptly, the girl said, shooting her
burning gaze at Caesar, “He means you.
You're strong; you make things safe for

started, then touched his

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178

children.” She shook her hands as if frus-
trated by words, like the werewolf. “But
you're just lucky. Eventually, you'll die.”

“The Empire will go on,” Caesar broke
in, as if he'd known all along what the
werewolf was saying and it was not what
he’d come here to talk about. “It’s not
Caesar's ‘indomitable will! We have
laws.” Suddenly, his eyes darted away,
avoiding the girl’s.

“Moon,” the werewolf wailed.

Caesar’s voice slashed at him. “Stop
that.”

It was beginning to get light out. It
came to me that the old man was weeping.
He laid his head to one side, obsequious
“Thank . . . gods . . . unspeakable . . . no,
but. . . .” His bulging forehead struggled.
The candlelight was doing something
queer to his glittering, tear-filled eyes,
making them like windows to the under-
world. He raised his voice. “No, but. No,
but!” He gave his head a shake, then
another, as if to clear it. Furtively, he
brushed one eye, then the other. “Vile!” he
cried out. “No, but. . - .” His hands
were trembling, as were the edges of his
mouth. His voice took on pitch and inten-
sity, the words in the extremity of his emo-
tion becoming cloudy, more obscure than
before. I had to lean close to watch his lips.
I glanced at Caesar to see if he was follow-
ing, then at the girl.

It was the girl's expression that made
me realize my error: She was staring at
the window, where the light, I saw at last,
was not dawn but a parting of the thick
black hood of clouds. There was no sound
of rain. Moonlight came pouring through
the window, sliding toward us across the
room. The girl drew her feet back as if the
light were alive.

I cannot say whether it was gradual or
instantaneous. His beard and mouth
changed; the alertness of his ears became a
change in their shape and then bristling,
tufted fur, and I saw distinctly that the
hand swiping at his nose was a paw. All at
once, the man behind the table was a wolf.
A violent growl erupted all around us. He
was huge, flame-eyed, already leaping,
a wild beast tangled in clothes. He was
still in mid-air when Caesar’s sword
thwunked into his head, cleaving it—a
mistake, pure instinct, I saw from Сае-
sar's face. Only the werewolf's daughter
moved more quickly: She flew like a shad-
ow past Caesar and the rest of us, running
on all fours, slipped like ball lightning out
the door, and vanished into the night.

It's difficult to put one's finger exactly
on the oddity in Caesar's behavior. One
cannot call it mania in any usual sense—
delusional insanity, dementia, melancho-
lia, and so forth. Nonetheless, he's grown
odd. (No real cause for alarm, 1 think.)
You've no doubt heard of the squall of
honors recently conferred on him—stat-
ues, odes, feasts, gold medals, outlandish
titles: Prince of the Moon, Father of Ani-
mals, Shepherd of Ethiopia and worse—

more of them every day. They’re nearly
all his own inventions, insinuated into the
ears of friendly senators or enemies who
dare not cross him. I have it on good
authority that those who hate him most
are quickest to approve these absurdities,
believing such inflations will ultimately
make him insufferable to the people—as
well they may. Indeed, the man who hun-
gers most after his ruin has suggested that
Caesar’s horse be proclaimed divine. Cae-
sar seems delighted. It cannot be put down
to megalomania. At each new outrage he
conceives or hears suggested, he laughs—
not cynically but with childlike pleasure,
as if astonished by how much foolishness
the gods will put up with. (He’s always
busy with the gods, these days, ignoring
necessities, reasoning with priests.) I did
catch him once in an act of what seemed
authentic lunacy. He was at the aquar-
ium, looking down at the innumerable,
flickering goldfish and carp, whispering
something. I crept up on him to hear. He
was saying, “Straighten up those ranks,
there! Order! Order!” He shook his finger.
When he turned and saw me, he looked
embarrassed, then smiled, put his arm
around my shoulders and walked with me.
“1 try to keep the Empire neat, doctor,” he
said. “105 not easy!” And he winked with
such friendliness that, testy as I am when
people touch me, I was moved. In fact,
tears sprang to my eyes, I admit it. Once a
man's so old he's started to piss on himself,
he might as well let go with everything.
Another time, I saw him hunkered down,
earnestly reasoning—so it seemed—with a
colony of ants. “Just playing, doctor,” he
said when he saw that I saw.

“Caesar, Caesar" І moaned. He
touched his lips with one finger.

The oddest thing he’s come up with, of
course, is his proposed war with Persia—
himself, needless to say, as general. Persia,
for the love of God! Even poor befuddled
Mark Antony is dismayed.

“Caesar, you're not as young as you
used to be,” he says, and throws a woeful
look overat me. He sits with interdigitated
fists between his big, blocky knees. We're
in Caesar's council room, the guards
standing stiff as two columns, as usual,
outside the door. Mark Antony grows
fatter by the day. Not an interesting prob-
lem—he eats and slecps too much. I'd
prescribe exercise, raw vegetables and
copulation. He has an enlarged subcuta-
neous cyst on the back of his neck. It must
itch, but he pretends not to notice, for dig-
nity’s sake. Caesar lies on his couch as if
disinterested, but his legs, crossed at the
ankles, are rigid, and the pulse through
his right inner jugular is visible. It’s late,
almost midnight. At times, he seems to be
listening for something, but there’s noth-
ing to be heard. Cicadas; occasional bay-
ing of a dog.

It strikes me that, for all his flab, Mark
Antony is a handsome man. His once-
mighty muscles, now toneless, suggest a
potential for heart disease, and there's

blue under his too-smooth skin; nonethe-
less, one can imagine him working himself
back to vigor, the dullness gradually de-
parting from his eyes. Anything's possible.
Look at me, still upright, thanks mainly to
diet, though I'm farther along than he is. 1
frequently lose feeling in my right hand.

"]f you must attack Persia," he says,
"why not send me? You're needed here,
Caesar!” His eyes squirt tears, which
he irritably brushes away. “Two, three
years—not even you can win a war with
Persia in less time than that. And all that
while, Rome and all her complicated busi-
ness in the hands of Mark Antony! It will
be ruin, Caesar! Everyone says so!”

Caesar gazes at him. “Are you, my
friend, not nobler and more honest than
all the other Romans put together?”

Mark Antony looks confused, raises his
hands till they’re level with his shoulders,
then returns them to their place between
his knees, which he once more clenches.
“You're needed here,” he says again
“Everyone says so." For all his friends’
warnings, | do not think Mark Antony
grasps how thoroughly he's despised by
the senate. Caesar's confidant, Caesar's
right arm. But besides that —meaning no
disrespect—he really would be a booby.
Talk about opening the floodgates!

Caesar smiles, snatches a moth out of
the air, examines the wings with great
curiosity, like a man trying to read Egyp-
tian, then gently lets it go and lies still
again. After а moment, he raises his right
hand, palm outward, pushing an invisible
bark out to sea. “You really would like
that,” he says. “ to Persia for mur-
der and mayhem.

Mark Antony looks to me for help.
What can I say?

Now suddenly, black eyes flashing,
Caesar rears up on one elbow and points
at Mark Antony. “You are Rome,” he
says. “You are the hope of humanity!”

Later, Mark Antony asks me, “Is he
insane?”

“Not by any rules I understand,” I say.
“At any rate, there’s no cause for alarm.”

He moves back and forth across the
room like a huge, slow mimicry of Caesar,
rubbing his hands together like a man pre-
paring to throw dice. His shadow moves,
much larger than he is, on the wall. For
some reason, it frightens me. Through the
window I sce the sharp-horned, icy-white
half-moon. Most of Mark Antony's fat
has gone into his buttocks.

“They'll kill him rather than leave the
Empire in my hands,” he says. Then,
without feeling, his palms pressed to-
gether like a priest's: “After that, they'll
kill me.”

His darity of vision surprises me.
“Cheer up,” I say. “Pm his personal phy-
sician. They'll kill me, too.”

Last night, the sky was alive with
omens: stars exploding, falling every
which way. “Something’s up!” says Caesar,

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as tickled as if he himself had caused the
discord in the heavens. His bald head
glows with each star burst, then goes dark.
He stood in the garden—the large one
created for his daughter's tomb—till near-
ly sunrise, watching for more fireworks.

Mark Antony’s been sent off, plainly а
fool’s errand, trumped up to get him out of
Rome. “Don't come back,” says Caesar.
“Never come back until I send for you.” 1
don’t like this. Not at all, not one damn
bit. My life line has changed. My stool
this morning was bilious.

АП day, Caesar has been receiving
urgent visitors, all with one message: “It
would be good if tomorrow you avoided
the forum.” There can be no doubt that
there’s a plot afoot.

Late this afternoon, at the onset of twi-
light, I saw—I think—the werewolf’s
daughter. She's grown thinner, as if eaten
away by disease. (Everyone, these days,
looks to me eaten away by disease. My
prostate's nearly plugged, and there's not
а surgeon in Rome whom Га trust to cut
my fingernails.) She stood at the bottom
step of the palace stairway, one shaky
hand reaching out to the marble hem. She
left herbs of some kind. Their use, wheth-
er for evil or good, is unknown to me.
Then she fled. Later, it occurred to me
that I hadn’t really gotten a good look at
her. Perhaps it was someone I don’t
know.

Strange news. You'll have heard it
before you get this letter. Forgive the
handwriting. My poor old nerves aren't
all they might be. Would that I'd never
lived to see this day. My stomach will be
acid for a month

Caesar was hardly seated, had hardly
gotten out the call for prayer, before they
rose like a wave from every side, 60 sena-
tors with daggers. He was stabbed a dozen
times before he struggled to his fect—or,
rather, leaped to his feet—eyes rolling,
every muscle in spasm, as if flown out of
control, though it clearly wasn’t that. You
wouldn’t have believed what strength he
called up in his final moment! He dragged
them from one end of the forum to the
other, hurling off senators like an injured
bear and shrieking, screaming his lungs
out. It was as if all the power of the gods
were for an instant contracted to one man.
They tore his clothes from him, or possi-
bly he did it himself for some reason. His
blood came spurting from a hundred
wounds, so that the whole marble floor
was slippery and steaming. He fell down,
stood up again, dragging his assassins; fell
down, then rose to crawl on hands and
knees toward the light of the high central
door where, that moment, I was running
for my life. His slaughtered-bull bellow-
ings are still in my cars, strangely bright,
like a flourish of trumpets or Jovian
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182

(continued from page 80)

“I absolutely believed I was a man, so then
people started to treat me differently." ?

and show it to their friends. Which I never
expected, believe me. I don't think my
mother understood for years what I was
doing. You grow up with this image of
your parents, then discover how wrong
you were. I expected to be an outcast, but
I wasn't. Despite a lot of stuff in it she
didn't like, my mother's reaction was that
it’s a very artistic movie, teaching people
something, and everyone should see it.”

Mrs. Carlisle’s view was shared by a
slew of critics who have hailed Liguid Sky
as “visually bright and arresting” (The
New York Times) or “dazzling, funny,
shocking and disturbing” (San Francisco
Chronicle) and, to top them all, “the fun-
niest, craziest, dirtiest, most perversely
beautiful science-fiction movie ever made”
(New York magazine). Young audiences
have flocked to see for themselves, break-
ing box-office records at theaters in New
York, Chicago, Boston, New Orleans and
Philadelphia, and it’s still going strong.
While not everyonecomes away enchanted,
there's general agreement that Anne
Carlisle is the new queen of the Cs—a
cult-film sensation who’s also co-author of
Sky’s screenplay (with Nina T. Kerova
and producer-director Slava Tsukerman,
a 45-year-old Soviet émigré).

How does a nice girl from Connecticut
get caught up in such shenanigans? Sim-
ple, reports Anne. “Slava came to me and
said, ‘Let’s write a script about a New
Wave model who gets visited by an alien
from outer space,’ and that’s where we
started. 1 wrote a great deal of the screen-
play. It wasn’t just a question of helping
with dialog, though Russian sentence
structure isn't quite the same as ours.”

Carlisle's own sexual, psychological
and professional evolution has not been
simple at all. Around the age of puberty,
she moved with her family to Florida, took
up painting and teenaged rebellion and
finally left for New York to study at The
School of Visual Arts. While there, mak-
ing video pieces as exercises, she met an
acting instructor named Bob Brady. She
wound up as his assistant, but she also
decided she’d been miscast for the roles she
was playing in real life. “I had this long
curly hair and wore wool, you know?
Preppie skirts and blazers, like a girl
going to art school. And because of the
image I presented, I got hit on a lot. You
don’t have to do much to invite that, of
course, in New York. But I found myself
embodying а lot of feminine gestures, put-
ting myself in the position of wanting to
please, being a victim.

“I didn't know how to handle all that,
so I cut off all my hair and started noticing

other women in the New Wave doing the
same thing.” Ask her to define New Wave
and Anne will tell you that one of the
essentials is change. “The idea is that
change is healthy. Experimenting with
your looks is one reaction to society’s cate-
gorization of genders.”

During one experimental period of her
life, several years ago, Anne wanted to see
what it was like to become a person of no
particular sex. “I got a job as а bike mes-
senger, working with guys, and tried very
hard not to let them fix my bike for me
when it was broken. I wasn’t trying to be
one of the boys; I was just not being one
thing or another.”

There’s little chance of mistaking her
for a fella when you see her perched on a
twin bed in a Manhattan hotel suite, pro-
jecing on the wall slides of the photo-
graphs she's just done for riavsov. The
pictures set her to reminiscing about the
days when her hair was a veritable rain-
bow of social trends. “I was with a New
Wave modeling agency called. LaRocka.
Very much a nighttime thing; we did
shows in the clubs. I had purple hair, blue
hair, black hair with a red crest. There
was a period of very intense club life, liv-
ing high, which got to be a little much. But
when it became clear that this was self-
and it took quite a bit to force
—I started making a little
Super-8 film, very surreal and poetic."

She addresses every subject head on,
including skeptical questions about the
relative merits of Liquid Sky. The film
may look like pure camp to some people,
Carlisle allows, though she herself pitches
camp, aesthetically, on rather high
ground. "Mostly, I think the movie was a
brave thing to do. I’m proud of it. Because
it's so complex, working on many different
levels at once, it's sometimes difficult for
people to get . . . you can see Liquid Sky
over and over again and read it differently
every time, as a comedy or a tragedy or
anything you want."

Inevitably, the question arises: Does the
real Anne Carlisle view her roles as auto-
biographical? “I used a great deal of my
own past in certain situations as Marga-
ret, but she’s not me. I went to see the
movie again recently, in fact, and got very
angry at her. Margaret is a victim, and
since I'd had a lot to do with writing the
character, I guess I felt a little angry with
myself for having created yet another
victim.

“Jimmy also comes from me. 1 was a
tomboy when I was young, like most girls.
But playing Jimmy, getting into his own
inner monolog as a male, was a great
experience. I sensed the kind of pressures

men are under, which | don’t think
women usually understand. On the set, 1
found that people related to me differently
when I was Jimmy. I absolutely believed 1
was a man, so then people started to treat
me differently. It was just great, a power
trip. And I loved being powerful, though it
was frightening, too. Jimmy's such a neg-
character that I found myself saying
sulting things to women, and they’d just
giggle and look up at me adoringly. . -

“No question, the movie is about sex,
even though the title's a reference to drugs
I think it was in India, in the 14th Cen-
tury, when opium was widely used by
royalty and everyone, that liquid sky was
an elegant literary term for it. But sex also
is like a drug—a dangerous drug when it’s
offered in trade for something—and wom-
en are brought up to think that way. So
Liquid Sky really concerns sex roles and
how they have been destructive to the rela-
tionship between men and women.”

By the time she'd finished Liquid Sky,
Arne found herself so steeped in those
heady omnisexual creative juices that she
couldn't turn Margaret and Jimmy off.
Nowadays, she can leave the fantasy to
audiences and focus on more practical
matters. *Having a successful film has
made all the difference for me. I signed
with the William Morris agency, which
gives me contacts and access to people 1
couldn't meet before. I was always outside
the industry, and now I’m inside.” And
the jaunty tilt of her chin emphasizes that
inside is a far cozier place to be.

While other offers ferment, she already
has a second feature film in the can: а
suspense drama called Blind Alley, di-
rected by Larry Cohen. "Larry ap-
proached me after seeing Liquid Sky, but
Blind Alley is a totally different kind of
movie. I play a young mother. She's a fem-
inist who lives in New York and works in
a thrift store, repairing clothes, but her
main thing is being a mother." In this
film, her sexual identity is less critical
than the fact that the woman's child has
witnessed a murder, and the young lover
she has picked up on the street turns out to
be . . . well, I mustn’t give too much away.

In any case, Anne of the once-purple
coiffures is likely to keep reappearing as 2
screen presence in a career spiced with
infinite variety. “I still have some wild
clothes in my closet and know I can put
them on again if I want to. Га rather not
define my image, because people should
change with the culture. You have to be in
touch with what’s going on, and that’s not
simply being ‘hip’ or ‘with it.’ I want to be
free to play many kinds of people. That’s
what being an actress means, right?”

Unless I'm wrong, sooner or later this
fair lady/fey laddie from the New Wave
will make it in mainstream moviedom,
confirming Carlisle as Liquid Sky's ulti-
mate cultural fallout.

Presidential Pursuit (continued from page 130)

“What was the speech called in which President
Reagan revealed his desire to put weapons in space?”

What were President Reagan’s “decisive
new steps” to resolve the Lebanon conflict?

He pulled U.S. Marines out of Beirut.

What did President Reagan say when
asked what would happen if the Russians
helped Argentina in the Falkland Islands?

“That would be pretty messy. We just
hope they don’t.”

What was the speech called in which
President Reagan revealed his desire to
put weapons in space?

The “Star Wars” speech

What did President Reagan do two
days after declaring that his Administra-
tion would not recognize the judgment of
the World Court regarding U.S. actions in
Central America?

Не issued a proclamation designating
Law Day U.S.A. to pay tribute to the prin-
ciple of respect for law.

PRESIDENTIAL WIT

What did President Reagan say when a
reporter mistakenly addressed him as
“Mr. Secretary”?

“Gee, I thought for a minute I'd lost my
job?

What film did President Reagan say he
had the “strange feeling” he was “back on
the set” of when he visited the battleship
New Jersey?

“Hellcats of the Navy”

What does President Reagan say when-
ever there's a sudden loud noise during
one of his speeches?

"Missed me!"

When did President Reagan say envi-
ronmentalists would finally “Ье happy"?

When "the White House looks like a
bird's nest”

What is President Reagan's usual reply
to enthusiastic applause?

“If Га gotten a hand like that in Holly-
wood, I never would have left.”

Which reporter asked the question
about sexual discrimination that prompted
President Reagan’s reply “Just a minute
here with the discussion or we'll be getting
an R rating"?

Sarah McClendon

How did President Reagan say he knew
his economic policies were working?

"They're not calling it Reaganomics
anymore.”

What does President Reagan invariably
say after quoting Thomas Jefferson?

“And ever since he told me that... .

What sports figure did President Rea-
gan say was thought by Moscow to be “a
new secret weapon”?

Los Angeles Raiders running back
Marcus Allen

What did President Reagan say "we'll
know in about 35 years, won't we?"

Whether or not Martin Luther King,
Jr., had Communist connections

Why did President Reagan say he pre-
ferred old films to those of the Eighties?

“I liked it better when the actors kept
their clothes on."

What did President Reagan tell Nancy
he'd forgotten to do when he got shot?

“Duck”

How did President Reagan say he
would show the voters “how youthful I
am” during his bid for re-election?

“I intend to campaign in all 13

states."

WORDS OF WISDOM

What happened when President Rea-
gan encountered his Housing Secretary,
Samuel Pierce, at a gathering of mayors?

He said, "How are you, Mr. Mayor?
How are things in your city?”

What magazine did President Reagan
say would still be his favorite “even if 1
were to suffer mental illness or convert to
liberalism for some other reason"?

National Review

What part of his anatomy did President
Reagan say he'd "had it up to” with
White House leaks?

His keister

Of what does President Reagan always
say, "There's nothing better for the inside
of aman”?

“The outside of a horse”

What did President Reagan say when
Congressional candidate Gary Arnold
criticized his policies at a White House
gathering?

“Shut up.”

What is President Reagan’s term for a
tax increase?

Revenue enhancement

What event was President Reagan talk-
ing about when he said, “I find myself
wondering if we're the generation that is
going to see that come about”?

Armageddon

Which book was President Reagan de-
scribing when he said, “Inside its pages lie
all the answers to all the problems that
man has ever known"?

The Bible

On what did President Reagan think
college kids were spending their student
loans instead of tuition?

Certificates of deposit

What did President Reagan suggest
was “the best way to balance the Federal
budget”?

“By all of us simply trying to live up to
the Ten Commandments and the golden
rule”

What does President Reagan say when
people ask about his age?

He's “really not that old—they mixed
up the babies in the hospital.”

How did President Reagan explain his
decision not to sign the Law of the Sea
treaty?

He said he "kind of thought that when
you go out on the high seas you can do
what you want.”

СЭ)

ODDS & ENDS

What network anchor man said Presi-
dent Reagan lives in a "fantasy land"?

"Handguns are illegal around here."

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Tom Brokaw

Which actress, recalling her Hollywood
experiences with President Reagan, said,
“Ronnie was not a big star. To think that
the guy became President is really fun-
ny”?
Viveca Lindfors

Who said of President Reagan, “He
only works three to three and a half hours
a day. He doesn’t do his homework. He
doesn’t read his briefing papers. It's sinful
that this man is President”?

Tip O'Neill

What prompted Tip O'Neill's aide
Chris Matthews to say, “This is the kind
of thing we all thought Reagan would be
doing if he had lost the ’80 election”?

President Reagan's appearance on a
TV show plugging a James Bond movie

Which reporter broke the story about
reporters’ laughing at President Reagan’s
answers during a particularly inept press
conference?

The Washington Post’s Lou Cannon

Which group did a member of the Rea-
gan task force on hunger say was “proba-
bly today the best-nourished group in the
United States”?

Black children

Which college inspired President Rea-
gan's decision to grant tax exemptions to
segregated schools?

Bob Jones University in Greenville,
South Carolina

How was candidate Ronald Reagan
introduced at a dinner on the eve of his
entry into the 1980 Presidential race?

“The nation cries out for desperate lead-
ership.”

Who said, "It embarrasses all of us
Americans to have to point out that the
President of the United States is nor tell-
ing the truth"?

House Majority Leader James C.
Wright

Who accused President Reagan of prac-
ticing “Jonestown economics”?

AFL.-C.LO. president Lane Kirkland

Which network anchor man received a
telephone complaint from President Rea-
gan while his newscast was still on the
air?

Dan Rather

What proclamation was President Rea-
gan issuing when he mistakenly walked
past а podium that was equipped with a
microphone, sat at a table several feet
away and read a statement that no one
could hear?

Older Americans’ Month

Which question from the
sion of Trivial Pursuit’s Baby Boomer
edition was deleted from the American
version of the game?

“How many months pregnant was
Nancy Davis when she walked down the
aisle with Ronald Reagan?” (Answer:

“Two and a half")

inadian ver-

PLAYBOY

BEAUTIFUL SCREAMERS

(continued from page 126)

“Lotus’ road cars have always been athletically agile,
but this is very likely the best one ever.”

Countach within a few ticks of the watch
in 0-60 acceleration and to propel the lit-
tle flying wedge to a more than adequate
148 mph flat-out

Lift off the sexy plastic body and much
of what’s underneath looks straight from a
engine “formula” racer—shiny alu-
ium suspension and frame members,
springs over tube shocks at all four
wheels, inboard disc brakes flanking a
rear-mounted transaxle and the gorgeous-
ly trimmed engine with its turbo hardware
neatly packaged at the left-rear corner.
The body itself is the familiar Giugiaro-
styled doorstop you may remember as
James Bond's submarine car a few years
back, made more aggressive and mascu-
line with graceful front and rear spoilers
and aerodynamic rocker spats with
NACA ducts for rear-brake cooling.

Lotus’ road cars, like its Formula I rac-
ers, have always been athletically agile,
but this is very likely the best one ever.
"The factory claims an unbelievable 1.05 gs
of lateral acceleration (cornering force),
but tests have pegged the Turbo Esprit’s
skid-pad performance at an outstanding
but more realistic .85 g, roughly equal to
that of the Countach and the Corvette.
More important is the feeling it gives
when cornering hard. Whether the surface
was smooth or rough, our test car pro-
duced the best subjective handling of any
production automobile we can remember.

On our back-road test course, it took
turns posted for 30 mph at 60 to 65 with
ease and amazing stability. Although we
didn’t time it, there was no question it was

coil

| Overall Length (in.)
Wheelbose (in.)

Approx. Weight (lbs.
Std. Transmission

Engine Type

Displacement (liters) 53
Roted Horsepower 300*
0-60 mph Accel. (sec.) 88
Top Speed (mph) 143
Approx. Price ($$) 152,000

the fastest car we'd ever tested on our
standard hairpin-turn-filled, up-and-
down-the-mountain course. The engine
thrusted heartily at all rpms, the nongated
shifter was always ready with the proper
gear and the narrow (nonadjustable)
form-fitting buckets held us securely in
place while the tires and suspension did
their masterwork. If this sort of controlled
craziness is your cup of tea and you’ve 50
grand burning holes in your money fund,
this is your car.

We've saved our bargain-basement
Beautiful Screamer for last: the $26,000
Chevrolet Corvette. This slippery-shaped
American beauty may be mass-produced
in Kentucky, its veteran iron-block engine
may not have an overhead cam to its name
and it may cost only a fourth of the Coun-
tach’s six-figure tag, but in the cold gray
light of instrument testing, there isn’t
much it can’t do that any of the others can.
With multipoint electronic fuel injection
coming for '85, the 5.7-liter V8's horse-
power jumps from 205 to a healthy 240,
0-60 time falls into the six-second range
and top speed climbs to 150-plus. The full
electronic instrumentation is improved in
usability and readability for the new mod-
el year, and the optional Z51 balls-out
suspension gets slightly softened for a
smoother ride without losing any of its
cornering grip.

The Corvette's long, low aerodynamic
nose is front-hinged to pivot forward for
access to the engine and to the front sus-
pension. Atop the former sit magnesium
air-cleaner and rocker covers, while the

96 104 102 97 96
3200 3400 4000 3200 2700
4M O

VB EFI

5.7 3.0 5.3 4.8 2.2
240 235 262 348 205
6.0 77 7.8 5.9 61
151 143 140 175* 148
26,000* 65,000 35,000. 99,500 50,000

V12 EFI

latter is resplendent in forged aluminum
and lightweight steel. Most of the rest of
its chassis and power train is a textbook in
advanced materials as well, including fi-
berglass transverse leaf springs front and
rear, light-alloy drive shaft and tubular
stainless-steel exhaust headers feeding
dual free-flow mufflers. Inside, it’s a study
in video-game instrumentation, with
colorful graphic speedometer and tach dis-
plays and selectable digital readouts for
engine and electrical conditions, plus a
driver information system giving instant
or average economy and fuel range.

The '84 Corvette was already fast, and
its sophisticated fully independent suspen-
sion and huge Goodyear Gatorback tires
gave incredible smooth-road cornering.
For ’85, it’s not only faster but also softer
riding and more directionally stable while
cornering hard on not-so-smooth surfaces.
As before, the standard power rack-and-
pinion steering is race-car quick and so
precise it takes getting used to. And the
new multipoint injection should improve
fuel efficiency, which was already impres-
sive for such a powerful car at 20-plus
mpg, even when driven aggressively. All
things considered, there’s no question that
America’s Corvette deserves proper re-
spect and recognition among the world’s
most revered sporting machinery despite
its affordable price.

Its hard to imagine а more diverse
group of automobiles than these six. Each
has its own decidedly distinctive personali-
ty and driving character; each makes its
own Strong statement; each is guaranteed
to enhance the image of its lucky driver.
Yet, precisely because they have these crit-
ical qualities in common—plus eye-grab-
bing styling, uncommon levels of luxury
and world-class performance and han-
dling—all are members in good standing
of that most exclusive motoring club, the
Beautiful Screamers. Get in line to join.

*Estimoted
**1985 Model

EFI

lectronic fuel injection; ЗА = 3-speed automatic; 5М = 5-speed monuol

О = electronic, automatic overdrive in top three gears

PIGSKIN PREVIEW (continued from page 120)

“The rebuilding of the Boilermakers continues at
Purdue, but don’t expect too much improvement.”

contingent. Look for freshman halfback
Lorenzo White to make a big splash.

Ohio State will be as good as—maybe
better than—last year’s edition, but the op-
position will be tougher. Explosive full-
back Barry Walker returns, but there is a
dangerous shortage of experienced receiv-
ers. With eight defensive starters lost, the
key to the Buckeyes’ season will be how
well the new players perform.

lowa's offensive platoon was nearly
wiped out at commencement, but superb
quarterback Chuck Long is coming back
A huge but very green offensive line will
be the Hawkeyes’ main deficiency. Fortu-
nately for Hayden Fry fans, all of last
year’s defensive starters are back. They
will have to carry the load while the attack
unit gets its act together. Look for the
Hawkeyes to finish strong.

Minnesota will be much better than last
year’s 1-10 team, but the Gophers still
have a long way to go. New coach Lou
Holtz’s primary concern in pre-season
drills will be finding a starting quarter-
back. Don’t be surprised if highly touted
freshman Dan Ford gets the nod.

The rebuilding of the Boilermakers

continues at Purdue, but don’t expect too
much improvement over last year's three-
win performance. Graduation wiped out
most of the offense and the kicking crew,
so the Boilers will be extremely young.

Northwestern is also enduring a rugged
climb to respectability. Some progress will
be apparent in Evanston this season, now
that last year’s overmatched youngsters
are battle-hardened. Many of the Wild-
cats’ hopes rest on the considerable talent
of quarterback Sandy Schwab. He will—
he hopes—get much better protection than
he got a year ago.

Indiana has a new coach for the third
successive year. The turnover at the top
has so badly hurt recruiting that this
year’s new mentor, Bill Mallory, has
found the talent cupboard bare. Both
lines are woefully thin. King-sized quar-
terback Steve Bradley will have to carry
much of the load for the Hoosiers.

Central Michigan was the best team in
the Mid-American Conference at the end
of last season and should take the M.A.C.
championship this time around. The
squad is deep and experienced, and the
skill positions are loaded with talent.

If the Chippewas falter, Bowling Green
will be waiting in the wings. The Falcons’
fortunes will ride on the limber arm of
quarterback Brian McClure. McClure re-
wrote the conference record book last fall,
and this year, with three excellent receiv-
ers as targets, he should do even better.

Northern Illinois’ fortunes will depend
on whether or not new coach Lee Corso
can find a capable quarterback, replace-
ments in the offensive trenches and an
accurate place kicker.

Toledo's graduation losses were few,
but the missing include several skilled
starters who were largely responsible for
last year's successes. Sophomore A. J.
Sager will be the quarterback.

Ball State will need vast improvement
in its defense in order to put many winson
the board. The Cardinals live and die by
the passing game, but their lack of а run-
ning threat will hurt.

Western Michigan has an excellent
quarterback and an abundance of tight
ends. The running game, though, would
have trouble making yards against 11
blocking sleds. Look for a lot of passing.

А деер and experienced Ohio Universi-
ty defensive crew will have to hold the fort
while the newcomers in the offensive skill
positions get their skill together.

Miami of Ohio hasn't had back-to-back
losing seasons for nearly four decades, but
this will be the year that changes. Many of
last season's most valuable players are
missing, the offensive line is still weak and

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the defensive unit needs an overhauling

Kent State's fortunes this fall will large-
ly depend on whether or not replacements
can be found at six key defensive slots.
The ingredients are present for a fine
offensive 11—if the turnovcritis is cured.

Eastern Michigan has even less talent
on call than it did a year ago, but EMU's
blend of experience and youth looks bet-
ter, and its early-season schedule is less
than intimidating.

Nothing has changed at Notre Dame.
There are, as always, more top ballplayers
there than anywhere else in the country.
Coach Gerry Faust has been running his
club on faith, hope and too much charity,
but this should be the year when cvery-
thing works—at last. Faust has taken a lot
of crap from alumni and fans over the past
two years, much of it undeserved. He's
now less of a cheerleader and more of an
ass kicker, and he has surrounded himself
with capable assistants.

The Irish offense will be nearly un-
stoppable. Quarterback Steve Beuerlein is
loaded with talent, fullback Chris Smith
is a terror, Allen Pinkett is one of the best
tailbacks in the country and the huge
offensive line, led by Playboy All-Ameri-
cas Mike Kelley and Larry Williams, will
blow most opponents away

The Irish defense was a disappointment
last campaign, but three new assistant
coaches have signed on to fix that problem
Linebacker Mike Larkin will become the

nation's best at his position before he
departs for the pros.

Louisville will benefit
experience and a promising group of
recruits, but the Cardinals’ schedule is
tough, and they may be unable to find a
worthy replacement for graduated quar-
terback Dean May. The offensive line
should provide much better protection for
whoever takes the snap from center.
ncinnati will have a superb passing
attack starring quarterback Troy Bodine.
Last year’s inept running game will be
reinforced by four promising recruits.

The Auburn-Alabama game on De-
cember first will be nationally televised. It
not only will decide the Southeastern Con-
ference championship but should deter-
mine the national title as well. Both teams
are loaded, but sheer magnitude of talent
gives Auburn the edge.

Auburn's new quarterback will be ei-
ther Pat Washington or Jeff Burger, and
either will be an improvement over last
year’s passers. The Tigers’ backup play-
ers were as good as the first-stringers last
scason, and 31 of the top 44 are returning.
Best of all, those 31 will be backed by a
large crew of gem-quality redshirts. Sev-
eral of the redshirts will displace regulars
from last year. The Tigers will pass more
this year, taking some of the pressure off
Playboy All-America runner Bo Jackson,
who will wind up his career as one of the

from accrued

greatest college runners of all time.

Alabama coach Ray Perkins must find
а new starting quarterback, but it won't
be difficult. Several prime prospects are
available. The job will probably go to
Mike Shula (son of Miami Dolphins
coach Don Shula). Shula the younger will
benefit from speedy receivers and a superb
crew of runners led by Ricky Moore
who may be the best fullback in u
nation. Best of all, the Crimson Tide pla
a genuine major-college schedule this
year, for the first time in memory. There
toughies on the slate than
pushovers, which will make the won-lost
record more credible than in years past.

The defensive Tide, with nine return-
ing starters, will be nearly impregnable
Emanuel King and Cornelius Bennett are
probably the two best linebackers on any
one team in the country

Much of Florida’s success last year was
attributable to a beautifully balanced at-
tack that was well-nigh impossible to
defend against. This fall, the Gators will
have to depend on a splendid running
attack, since the quarterback and some of
the receivers are new and unproved. The
key element in this year’s fortunes will be
a superb offensive line that averages 6'3”
and 283 pounds. It will sweep opponents
off the field.

Georgia has lost only two regular-sea-
son games in the past four years, but this
looks like a sad autumn for Athens. Grad-

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uation losses were devastating, and the
Bulldogs’ senior class is short on numbers
and ability. Only three starters return
from an offensive unit that was—even last
year—less than spectacular. All is not lost,
however. The incoming freshman class is
loaded with nuggets in the skill positions,
so look for a lot of freshmen to play right
away. If the rookies produce, the Dawgs
can put together another great team.
Louisiana State and Vanderbilt will be
the two most improved teams in the
Southeastern Conference. Both suffered
unexpected, debilitating setbacks last fall
that shouldn’t recur. LSU was crippled by
an inexplicable lack of consistency and
confidence—problems that will be solved
by new head coach Bill Arnsparger.
Quarterback Jeff Wickersham will be-
come the school’s all-time record holder
before he finishes his junior year. His
prime target will be spectacular receiver
Eric Martin. Defense is Arnsparger’s spe-
cialty and he inherits a plethora of talented
stoppers, the best of whom is Playboy All-
America defensive back Liffort Hobley
We can’t remember a team’s being as
ѕпаке-Ыцеп as Vanderbilt was last усаг
Everything that could go wrong did—
wholesale injuries, freak plays, crazy
bounces. If the law of averages prevails,
the Commodores will be much better this
fall. There are plenty of talented players,
the most talented being quarterback Kurt
Page and receiver Chuck Scott

Tennessee’s main assets a year ago were
both lines of scrimmage, but those crucial
lines must be completely redrawn in pre-
season drills. Tailback Johnnie Jones,
though, will give the Vols a punishing

ennessee's strongest Vol-

ground game.
unteers will be the kickers Fuad Reveiz
and Jimmy Colquitt.
Kentucky was the surprise team of the
S.E.C. last fall. Despite heavy losses to
graduation (and the advantage of sneaking
up on unsuspecting opponents last year),
the Wildcats could do as well this season
because the schedule is anything but
arduous. Quarterback Bill Ransdell re-
turns, and freshman Mark Higgs is one of
the most heralded runners recruited by the
Wildcats in many years

This will be a dreary ol’ autumn in the
state of Mississippi. Both Ole Miss and
Mississippi State face rebuilding projects
Rebel coach Billy Brewer must replace a
bevy of graduate defensive personnel. Sev-
eral offensive players have been shunted
across the Mississippi line of scrimmage,
draining depth from its attack unit. The
two principal offensive guns for Ole Miss
will be fullback Arthur Humphrey and
quarterback Kent Austin.
Only three starters return on each of the
Mississippi State platoons. Coach Emory
Bellard's biggest challenges will be replac-
ing quarterback John Bond (Don Smith is

the likeliest prospect) and nine of last
year's top ten ground gainers.

It looks like a free-for-all scramble for
second place in the A.C.C. АП of last
years winning teams (except Clem-
son) will be weaker, and all of last year's
losers (except Duke) will be stronger.

Clemson lacks a proven place kicker,
but the Tigers don’t really need опс—
every other position is so overloaded with
talent that coach Danny Ford’s problem
this fall will be figuring out a way to
divide up the playing time. The Tigers
may have as many quality runners and
receivers as the rest of the A.C.C. teams
put together. Clemson's defensive line
will be anchored (literally) by 320-pound
middle guard William Perry.

This North Carolina team will be the
youngest in coach Dick Crum’s tenure.
But his Tarheels have plenty of ability
and their fortunes will
depend on their
progress. Mean-
while, the defense,
led by Playboy All-
America linebacker
Micah Moon, will
hold the fort.

Georgia Tech,
after years of
mediocrity,
shows signs of

PLAYBOY

rejuvenation. There is more speed, size
and talent at Tech now than at any other
time in recent memory. Tailback Robert
Lavette should finish his college career as
Tech’s all-time leading scorer, rusher and
receiver—the modern Ramblin’ Wreck
from Georgia Tech.

"The Wake Forest Demon Deacons will
be just as deep and well seasoned. If a
capable quarterback turns up and if the
Deacons can shake their habit of losing
games in the last minute, this could be the
year Wake Forest catches fire.

Maryland’s graduation attrition was
extensive, so depth will be a problem at

THE SOUTH
‘SOUTHEASTERN CONFERENCE

lll Vanderbilt
10-1 Tenressee
83 Kentucky
65 — Messsppi
Louisiane State 65 — MasssppiStole

ATLANTIC COAST CONFERENCE.
10-1 — North Carolina

Virginia Tech

ALLSOUTH: Jackson, Carr, Thomas, King (Auburn);
Moore, Goode, King (грата); Brown, Bromley, An-
erson (Florida); Butler, Sanchez (Georgia); Hobley,
Martin, Wickersham (Louisiana State); Scott, Page
(Venderbit); J. Jones, Reveiz (Tennessee): Adams, J.
Sith (Kentucky); Walker, Harbour (Mississippi
dredge, Swoopes (Nississippi State); Wm. Perry,
Eppley, Swing (Clemson); Moon, Horton (North Caro-
lina); Lavette, Davis (Georgia Tech); Ramseur, New-
some (Wake Forest); Wilson, Badanjek (Maryland);
егш. Minehi (or Cana Sole yes,
Dombrowski (Virginia): Grantham (Duke): E. Brown.
Kosar, Ward (Miami); Allen, Dukes, Hester (Florida

State): Нат, Fars (Memphis State) Smith, Lee (Vir-
Bia Tech); Dejarnette, Byrd (Southern Mississippi
Hagood (South Carolina); Wiliams (East Carolin),
Dent (Tulane),

several positions, particularly in the de-
fensive line. New quarterback Frank
Reich may make fans forget Boomer Esia-
son. The highest obstacle will be another
supertough nonconference schedule.

North Carolina State wasn’t as bad last
year as that 3-8 record would suggest.
The Wolfpack boasts a potent 1-2 offen-
sive punch in quarterback Tim Esposito
and runner Joe McIntosh, both of whom
benefit from an excellent offensive line.
The punting, last year’s most glaring
weakness, should be handled capably by
freshman Carey Metts.

With a little luck, Virginia could be the
surprise team in the A.C.C. Last year, the
Cavaliers enjoyed only their third winning
season since 1952. The Cavs’ major con-
cern as pre-season drills begin is finding a
starting quarterback. Sophomore tailback
Howard Petty is certain to be a great one

100 by the time he graduates.

Nineteen eighty-four will be a down
year at Duke. The talent stockpile is woe-
fully depleted. The defense, horrible last
year, must improve if the Blue Devils are
to have any shot at a respectable season.
The offense, not quite so horrible, will
center on tailback Julius Grantham.

When we choose our Coach of the Year,
not a prediction but always a recogni-
tion of a job well done. Howard Schnel-
lenberger, who has now moved on to the
pros, is our choice this year because hc
turned a pitiful football program into a
national championship in only five years.
This Miami squad is even deeper and
more talented than last year’s, but the
schedule is twice as difficult and the
players must adjust to new coach Jimmy
Johnson. Also, as national champions, the
Hurricanes will be number one on the hit
list of all their opponents

Schnellenberger’s tornadie recruiting
efforts have been so successful that John-
son inherits more good players than he can
conveniently use. Quarterback Bernie Ko-
sar, only а sophomore, is a future All-
American. His backup, Vinny Testaverde,
may be just as talented. Fullback Alonzo
Highsmith, recruited as a defensive end,
gives the Hurricanes both straight-ahead
power and breakaway speed.

Florida State's Seminoles will be just as
strong this year as last, when they lost
several squcakers. Playboy All-America
running back Greg Allen is the best in
school history; he'll be a contender in this
year's Heisman voting. Quarterback Eric
Thomas, relatively obscure in the past,
will emerge as one of the South’s best.

The rebuilding program at Memphis
State has made impressive progress in the
past two years. New coach Rey Dempsey
inherits a squad that could win a bowl
berth this December. Tiger hopes depend
on whether or not he can find an elusive,
sure-handed receiver to go with an other-
wise deep and capable offensive unit.

A hefty crew of returning veterans and
a soft schedule will give Virginia Tech
another winning slate. Playboy All-Amer-
ica tackle Bruce Smith will bulwark a
tough defensive line, but the linebacking
corps needs help.

Graduation losses in the offensive line
and in the kicking game could make this a
trying year for Southern Mississippi. Ace
runner Sam Dejarnette and quarterback
Robert Ducksworth return, so the Eagles
can at least sell tickets.

South Carolina will field its best team
in many years, but the Gamecocks’ sched-
ule is an obstacle course. The attack unit
returns nearly intact and by now should
be familiar with coach Joe Morrison’s
tricky veer offense. Two rookie quarter-
backs, Mike Hold and Kevin White,
threaten to unseat Allen Mitchell.

East Carolina won’t be able to duplicate
last year's impressive performance—the
1983 defensive front was heavy with
seniors and none of the 1984 quarterbacks
has any game experience. The Pirates

have super team speed, but they don't give
out track medals at football games.

Tulane will be younger than springtime
this fall. The new quarterback is Ken
Karcher, who shouldn’t expect much help
from his baby-faced offensive line. The
good news is that a large group of junior
college recruits will help restock the talent
pool. The bad news is that this season’s
schedule is Tulane's toughest in history.

This year’s Big Eight race will be a
battle royal among Missouri, Nebraska,
Oklahoma State and Oklahoma. Missouri
appears to have the best shot at the title,
since all the Tigers’ weak points of a year
ago have been fortified. Five talented
young tailbacks will provide the break-
away threat that was missing last fall. The
secondary has been shored up. The entire
defensive unit, in fact, is stronger, Two
top-grade quarterbacks, Warren Seitz and
Marlon Adler, are ready to throw. Over-
all, the Tigers have more depth and speed
than any other Missouri team during
coach Warren Powers’ tenure.

Nebraska’s graduation losses were
mind-boggling. Four members of last
year’s offensive platoon signed pro con-
tracts—for a total of $10,000,000. Such
unkind cuts would emasculate most
squads, but the Cornhuskers (as always)
have tremendous depth that this year
includes a bonanza freshman class and
more than 50 walk-ons. Some nuggets will
be sifted from that crowd. The Huskers’
offense will be as potent as ever— Jeff
Smith is a sensational runner.

Oklahoma State could finish the season
with the Big Eight's best won-lost record
without having the best team, simply
because the Cowboys have the easiest non-
conference schedule. Quarterback Rusty
Hilger will throw to two world-class
receivers, Jamie Harris and Malcolm
Lewis. The Cowboys have a plethora of
running backs, with perhaps even better
ones arriving with the freshman class.

An 8-3 season is considered a disaster
at Oklahoma. This could be the Sooners’
second cataclysm in a row. Newly signed
offensive coordinator Mack Brown will
juice up the passing attack, and spectacu-
lar runner Spencer Tillman, only a sopho-
more, should be about to reach the peak of
his ability. The defensive unit, led by
Playboy All-America defensive end Kevin
Murphy, will be as good as ever, despite
wholesale graduation losses.

A large contingent of sterling transfers
will give Iowa State an infusion of talent,
especially on defense. One of the transfers,
Alex Espinoza, should start at quarter-
back. His prime target will be Tracy
Henderson, one of the nation’s truly spec-
tacular receivers.

Colorado will be stronger this year, but
thinness in both lines and a tough schedule
will make it difficult for the Buffaloes
to win convincingly or often. If every-
опе stays healthy and the secondary can
be patched up, Colorado will be hard to

score on. Freshman fullback Anthony
Weatherspoon should make headlines.

Nothing much is happening in the state
of Kansas. Both Kansas and Kansas State
are in the middle of rebuilding programs;
neither has the manpower to compete with
the league’s top five teams.

Texas could be either good or great this
fall, the difference to be determined by the
well-being of a pair of knees belonging to
tailback Edwin Simmons. Simmons is a
rare talent—if he can go full throttle, he'll
give the Longhorns their first threat since
Earl Campbell. The defensive platoon
will feature a lot of new faces, but two of
the veterans, tackle Tony Degrate and
safety Jerry Gray, arc Playboy All-Amer-
icas. The Longhorns’ biggest gripe is with
the schedule maker. He’s started them off
with Auburn and Penn State.

Southern Methodist, conversely, has an
easy early-season schedule that will give
coach Bobby Collins the time he needs to
get the bugs worked out. The Mustangs
will be young and green, but they're
loaded with talent and could be a great
team by late autumn. New signal caller
Don King is both a good thrower and a
dangerous runner on option plays. He and
tailbacks Jeff Atkins and Reggie Dupard
will give SMU one of the country's best

THE NEAR WEST
BIG EIGHT
lowa State

8-3 Kansas Stale
‘SOUTHWEST CONFERENCE

Texas 9-2 Texas Tech
Southern Methodist 8-3
‘Arkansas 8-3

Texas A&M 83
74

ALL-NEAR WEST: Ader, Greenfield (Missouri); Trayno
жа, J Smith (Nebraska) O'Neal, Harding (Oklahoma
Stale): Murphy, Thomas, Tilman (Oklahoma): Hender-
son (lora State); McCarty (Colorado): Pess (Kansas):
D. Johnson (Kansas State); J. Gray, Degrate, Smmons,
Edwards (Texas); Campbell, Dupard, King (Southern
Methodist; Eliot, Taylor (kansas); Ouldress, Mur-
ray (Texas A & M); Rendle, Grant (Baylor); Byers, White
(Texas Tech) T. J. Tumer, K. Johnson (Houston);
Manes: (Texas Christian); McLaughlin (Rice).

running games.

"There's a whole new (and much morc
stable) atmosphere at Arkansas. New
coach Ken Hatfield (who was a hero of the
Razorbacks' 1964 national-championship
team) has installed the “flexbone” offense
and simplified the defense. Both changes
will help the Razorbacks utilize the per-
sonnel at hand. Hatfield’s first priority is
to pump some adrenaline into the running
attack, which was dreadful last fall. The
passing game will be excellent. Four good
quarterbacks are in camp (Brad Taylor
should again be the starter), and receiver
Donnie Centers, unheralded until now,
could be a sleeper for ages.

This will be the year Texas A & M
coach Jackie Sherrill’s rebuilding pro-

gram bears fruit—maybe basketfuls of it.
The Aggies’ offensive unit will be battle-
hardened, and last season's major prob-
lem, a lack of speedy receivers, will be
partially solved by freshman Tony Jones.
The defensive front, featuring Playboy
All-America Ray Childress and super-
soph Rod Saddler, will be formidable.

Baylor’s greatest asset last year was ап
impressive group of talented players at the
skill positions, but most of them have
graduated. Fortunately for the Bears, co-
starting quarterbacks Tom Muecke and
Cody Carlson—both first-rate—are back.
Last year’s scourge, defensive injuries, has
become this year’s blessing, because 22
defenders with starting experience are
contending for playing time. Baylor
should field one of the best defensive
squadrons in the country.

There'll be some changes made in the
football program at Texas Tech. Five new
assistant coaches will work at restructur-
ing an inconsistent offense and an even
shakier kicking game. They will comb the
campus for a quarterback, but the starter
will probably be Perry Morren. Added
experience will be a plus in '84, with only
one starter missing from each line.

This could be the season the Houston
Cougars sneak up on some opponents—
the backfield and the receiving corps are
both loaded with talent. But some serious
faults will have to be mended. The defen-
sive side has been dreadful the past two
seasons, each time yielding the most points
in school history. The offensive line must
be overhauled. The Cougars’ one deadly
weapon is quarterback Gerald Landry,

who is uncanny at running the veer attack.

Texas Christian’s main weakness in
recent years has been weakness. A vigor-
ous off-season strength program will pay
big dividends for TCU this season. Anoth-
er plus is the return of no fewer than ten
offensive starters, including gifted receiver
James Maness. Either of two freshman
phenoms, Scott Ankrom or Scott Bednar-
ski, could win the quarterback job.

Rice is starting all over from the bot-
tom. And we mean the bottom. As at many
academically superior private universities,
the administrative moguls at Rice have
had to decide to compete or get out. They
made a shrewd first step by hiring new
head coach Watson Brown, who is the
most brilliant young coaching talent in
college football. He faces a rebuilding task
that may take a few years to show results.
But give him time; he'll do it.

Washington stunned everyone, includ-
ing Washington, last year, compiling an
impressive 8-3 record after losing practi-
cally all its starters from the year before.
The losses aren't nearly so serious this
year, so the Huskies have the inside track
in the Pacific Ten championship race.
Coach Don James’s only real quandary
involves finding a new starting quarter-
back. Three strong candidates are avail-
able, with hot-shot freshman redshirt
Chris Chandler likely to win the nod from
James. Whoever gets the job, though, will.
have excellent receivers, including big-
play artis Danny Greene.

Opponents are going to have trouble
moving the ball against Arizona State

“Sir, you're forgetting your doggy bag.”

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‘The Sun Devils were the conference de-
fensive champions last year, and 21 of
their top 22 defensive players return.
The offensive unit, especially the line,
won't be nearly as deep or experienced as
last year’s, but quarterback Jeff Van
Raaphorst and tailback Darryl Clack will
give the attack plenty of spark. With place
kicker Luis Zendejas waiting on the side
line, ASU won't have to get the ball very
far down field to score.

Last year was a real downer for South-
ern Cal’s multitudes of fans. The Trojans
were unluckier than Job. Everything went
wrong. This year’s squad is, as always,
overloaded with great talent everywhere
and has had a year to adjust to coach Ted
Tollner and his staff, so look for the
Trojans to come roaring back with a
vengeance. The offensive line will be
intimidating—not an unusual situation at
USC. The only new starter will be junior
college transfer Andy Baroncelli at center,
who works out by pulling his 3500-pound
car in 60-yard dashes. He gets the best gas
mileage in the Los Angeles Basin.

The Trojan defense will be structured
around Playboy All-America linebacker
Jack Del Rio, who is a terror on the field
and also happens to be a delightful gentle-
man off the field.

Washington State’s Cougars in recent
years have developed a knack for being a
lot better than anyone else expects them to
be. This year, however, they won't be able
to sneak up on anyone. A wealth of talent
returns, especially on offense. The defen-
sive unit had a few troublesome gradua-
tion losses, but the linebacker crew,
including superstud Junior Tupuola, is
one of the nation’s best. The Cougars have
acquired a Canadian look in recent sea-
sons. Five of this year's offensive starters
are from north of the border.

Most of UCLA’s offensive punch in the
past few years has been through the air.
This season will be no different, despite
the presence of a new starting quarter-
back. Steve Bono has even more physical
talent than his recent predecessors, and
he'll be throwing to last year’s top three
receivers. He will enjoy the protection of a
veteran offensive line led by Playboy All-
America Duval Love.

Arizona will have its best defensive
team ever. The defenders are going to
have to buy enough time for a young
offense to gel. The quarterback probably
will be senior John Connor. The kicking
game, with Max Zendejas (brother of Ari-
zona State’s Luis), is superb. One problem
for coach Larry Smith could be lack of
incentive, due to Arizona's no-bowl, no-
television N.C.A.A. probation.

Oregon State will be one of the most
improved teams in the nation and may
bushwhack unwary opponents. A large
contingent of redshirts will give the Bea-
vers a big injection of talent and brawn.
For the first time in five years, the defen-
sive line will have passable size and abili-
ty. Three swift redshirt runners will juice

up the ground game

Quarterback Gale Gilbert will direct
one of the most exciting passing attacks in
the country at California. The running
game, anemic last year, will get a transfu-
sion from two junior college transfers,
speed burner Gayland Houston and huge
fullback Ed Barbero. The defensive unit
could be vulnerable: All of last year's
starting linebackers have graduated.

In recent seasons, Oregon has had ei-
ther a good offense or a good defense but
never both at once. Coach Rich Brooks
hopes to remedy that imbalance this year.
The Oregon defense will be stalwart,
because 19 of last year's top 22 players
return. Flanker Lew Barnes is a breath-
taking receiver/runner/punt returner,
and Brooks is designing а passel of new
plays to get the ball into his hands.

Stanford begins from the bottom with a
new coach (Jack Elway), an all-sopho-
more backfield led by highly touted quar-

THE FAR WEST

PACIFIC TEN
Washington. 92
Arizona State 9-2 Oregon State
Southern California 8-3 California
Wastingon State 74 Пеш

7-4 Stanford

WESTERN ATHLETIC CONFERENCE

Brigham Young — 8-4 Ниш
ColoradoState 8-3 |
Wyoming 7-5 Texas-El Paso
NewMexco — 7-5 San Diego State
Air Force 65

PACIFIC COAST CONFERENCE

Arizona

Fulerton Stale 9-3
Nevado-Las Vegas 9-3

Fresno State 5
Pacific 1
New Mexico State 8-3 San Jose Stale — 3-6
Utah State 7-4 Long Beach State 3-8

ALL-FAR WEST: Holmes, Greere, Robinson (Washing.
ton); Fulcher, Shupe, Zendejas (Arizona State); Del Rio,
Hallock, Salisbury (Southern California); Lynch, Tupuo-
le, Blakeney (Washington Stale); Love, Dellocono,
Sherrard (UCLA); Dobyns, Drake (Arizona); Bynum
Jackola (Oregon State): Gilbert, Houston (California);
Barnes, McCall (Oregon); Harry, Paye, Veris (Stan
ford); Johnson, Match, Herrmann (Brigham Young)
McGregor, Bartalo (Colorado State}; Ramunno, Nova
cek (Wyoming); Jackson, Hornfeck, Funck (New Mex:
co); M. Brown (Air Force): Cherry, Murray (Hawaii):
Stevens, Blosch (Utah); Russo, Toub (Texas-El Paso)
T. Nixon (San Diego State): Nevens, Gilbert (Fullerton
State); Cunningham (Nevada-Las Vegas); Lockin (New
Mexico State); Garner, Hamby (Utah State); Vilis,
Sweeney (Fresno State); Berner (Pacific); McDonald,
McDonald (San Jose State); Page (Long Beach State).

terback John Paye, a spectacular receiver
named Emile Harry and a veteran defen-
sive unit led by indomitable linebacker
Garin Veris. The Cardinal secondary,
unfortunately, will be porous, so look for
most games to be aerial circuses

Brigham Young has won cight consecu-
tive Western Athletic Conference cham-
pionships, but this will be a rebuilding
year in Provo. The Cougars will need some
luck to keep their championship string
going. The BYU defense is in good shape,
but the talent losses on offense have been
severe. The quarterback trying to fill
Steve Young’s shoes will be Robbie Bosco.

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Playboy All-America punter Lee Johnson
will get a lot of chances—too many, per-
haps—to show his skill.

Colorado State has the best chance to
displace Brigham Young as the W.A.C.
champion. Seventeen starters return, and
the offensive line is two deep with good
players at every position. Playboy All-
America Keli McGregor, who began his
career as a walk-on, is now the best tight
end in the country.

Wyoming’s fortunes this autumn. will
hinge on quarterback David Gosnell’s
arm. Most of last season's excellent offen-
sive line returns, but Gosnell will need to
master his position in a hurry if Wyoming
is to topple BYU or Colorado State.

An excellent offense, with Buddy
Funck at quarterback, will give New
Mexico a chance to bare its fangs this sea-
son. The Lobos’ primary liability is a
shortage of worthy reserves.

Air Force will have a new coach (Fisher
DeBerry) on the side line and many new
faces on the field. A new quarterback must
be found in pre-season drills. Mike Brown
leads a halfback corps that is both deep
and talented. The Falcons will, at least,
have the biggest team in their history. Size
has always been a problem, possibly
because 66”, 270-pound defensive tackles
don’t make good fighter pilots.

Hawaii’s main shortcoming last year,
an anemic rushing attack, will be ironed

out by the return to health of several
injured tailbacks. Raphel Cherry is the
Rainbows’ best quarterback ever.

Utah will once again have a spectacular
offense, featuring quarterback Mark Ste-
vens, receiver Danny Huey and an excel-
lent front line.

Texas-El Paso hasn't had a winning
season since 1970, but this should be the
year coach Bill Yung’s rebuilding efforts
begin to show results. The Miners will be
much stronger in every facet of the game.

San Diego State is in the process of
transition from a junior college-based re-
cruiting program to one based on high
school recruiting. A lack of experienced
players is the result this season, but the

process of growing up should pay divi-
dends by next year.

Fullerton State, Nevada-Las Vegas
and New Mexico State will all have
much-improved teams, which ought to
make the Pacific Coast Conference cham-
pionship race a down-to-the-wire tussle.

Fullerton’s main asset is sky-high mo-
rale. Last season, the Titans rallied
around their downtrodden image to post
their first winning Division I season into a
conference championship.

Nineteen eighty-four brings the best
team in Nevada-Las Vegas history, but
the schedule may be even tougher. The
franchise is quarterback/punter Randall
Cunningham, the younger brother of for-

mer USC tailback Sam Cunningham.

New Mexico State will benefit from 18
returning starters, but the quarterback
Position is unsettled and the entire line-
backing corps needs new blood.

Nearly all of Utah State’s offensive
players return, but а signal caller must be
found. The problem solver will probably
be transfer Brad Ipsen. The offensive line,
led by guard Navy Tuiasosopo (from
Samoa, of course), will be first-rate.

Fresno State coach Jim Sweeney har-
vested a bumper crop of recruits last
winter. His main man will be quarterback
Kevin Sweeney, who wasn’t exactly a
recruiting coup. He’s the coach’s son.

Pacific will benefit from a multitude of
junior college transfers. With quarterback
Paul Berner throwing to tight end Tony
Camp, the Tigers will light up score-
boards all over the West Coast.

The top priority of new San Jose State
coach Claude Gilbert is to find a take-
charge quarterback. An experienced of-
fensive line will help; otherwise, this year
will be part of a rebuilding process for the
Spartans.

Ditto for Long Beach State, only more
so. Only five starters return, though
they'll be reinforced by two dozen trans-
fers. It looks like a last-place finish for the
49ers, not only in our article but in the
Pacific Coast Conference standings.

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193

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users know they're in trouble. The differ-
ences are tremendous. The heroin user
wakes up with the sniffles and knows that
he is going into withdrawal. He can con-
tinue the run by getting more heroin, he
can get methadone or he can join a detox
program and quit. Cocaine gives you the
signal that nothing is wrong. Cocaine
users wake up from a seizure and call us,
asking, ‘If I use less, will I have another

PLAYBOY

COCAINE (continued from page 148)

seizure? There’s almost a suspension of
reality, as if it’s someone else who’s having
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Gold is an expert on how drugs work on
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withdrawal, clonidine, for which he won
an American Psychiatric Association re-
search award. He also pioneered the use
of naltrexone, which makes people im-
mune to heroin readdiction: The heroin

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Gv PC 1984

passes through the body of a naltrexone
user and is eliminated without causing
addiction. “We know how heroin works,"
Gold states emphatically. “If you O.D. on
heroin, we shoot you up with Narcan and
you wake up. That tells you that we know
exactly what heroin does in the brain.
We're just starting with cocaine.”

Derived from the leaves of the coca
plant, cocaine was the first local anesthetic
discovered and remains the only naturally
occurring local anesthetic known. It is
generally considered too dangerous to use
for most medical procedures, because it
sometimes causes seizures, even at low
doscs—no one seems to know why. Co-
caine has largely been replaced in the
operating room by such synthetic drugs as
Xylocaine (lidocaine), though it is still
used in more than 150,000 nasal opera-
tions each year. Cocaine, in conjunction
with other drugs, has also been successful-
ly used to relieve depression in terminal-
cancer patients.

Throughout the period from about
1885 to 1906, patent medicines containing
cocaine were widely distributed in the
U.S. The most famous one is Coca-Cola,
though it is no longer considered medicine
and no longer contains cocaine. A major
epidemic of cocaine addiction occurred
here at the time. As a result of that, as well
as of hysterical unsubstantiated stories in
the press about crime waves caused by
cocaine, the Harrison Narcotics Act of
1914 restricted the sale of cocaine and
effectively ended its use in the United
States. By the time the drug resurfaced in
the Sixties, we seemed to have forgotten its
effects. And although more than ever is
now known about the exact mechanisms
by which cocaine produces its effects, the
drug is still mysterious in many ways.

Chemical changes in the brain trigger
certain responses that are associated with
survival of the individual, as well as of the
entire species: the drives to obtain water,
food and sex, for example, and the instinct
of flight (i.e., running from danger).

“Two drugs appear to cause the same
neurochemical changes,” says Gold,
“the opiates [e.g., heroin] and cocaine.
Cocaine stimulates the most powerful, the
most compelling reinforcement areas of
the brain, basically the apparatus that
took billions of years to be put in place to
make certain that we survive long enough
to reproduce. We consider these to be the
most important functions of life.”

Cocaine somehow gets access to the
areas of the brain (the amygdalae and
the lateral hypothalamus) in which those
chemical changes occur and allows you to
make those changes at will. In addition,
cocaine takes control of the use and manu-
facture within the body of essential
chemical message wansmiuers, such as

dopamine, which transmits sexual and
feeding signals, and norepinephrine,
which transmits signals to flee in the face
of danger. When you take cocaine, it feels
as if it’s the most important function in
life, because cocaine causes your body and
brain to send those essential life-protecting
and life-producing signals: the need for
sex, food, water, flight. So, of course, you
take more.

“The cocaine then dominates or sub-
verts the basic drives until they become
secondary,” Gold says. “Cocaine in the
disease state becomes pre-eminent over
survival of the species or even survival of
the individual.” In other words, you no
longer want food, water or sex. The brain
is getting a clear signal: More cocaine is
whats needed.

“So extreme is cocaine’s effect in this
respect,” Gold wrote in Psychiatric An-
nals, “that . . . it alone can replace the sex
partner of either sex. . . . Cocaine can
produce spontaneous ejaculation without
direct genital stimulation.” But, he warns,
“tolerance to the sexual-stimulating effect
of cocaine rapidly develops and subse-
quently impotence and sexual [rigidity are
seen in chronic cocaine users.”

Gold says, “More distant drives, such
as interpersonal relationships, work, fami-
ends, become even less important.
Cocaine becomes the primary drive. Even
though the drug has no specific survival
value, the person acquires a new drive that

Dexter. We make
the shoes that make
the clothes.

he makes into a primary reinforcing drive
on the basis of fooling the brain.”

Of course, if Smith is correct, if cocaine
addiction is a multifactorial illness, in-
cluding the spirit as well as the flesh, then
there must be more to it.

Paul Erlich, program director of Forest
Farm Community, a Marin County drug-
treatment clinic that employs Smith's phi-
losophy of addiction and treatment, says,
“We teach that the urge to use exists in a
primary and primitive part of the brain
and is energized by both a powerful bio-
chemical process and a strongly condi-
tioned learning history.” He says that one
of the big problems in stopping the use of
cocaine (or any other addictive drug), even
after the body is free of it, is the role the
drug plays in a person’s emotional life.
Your body may no longer need the drug,
but that doesn’t mean you don’t want it.

According to Erlich, a major issue “in
the final phase of treatment, which gener-
ally begins after about a year of recovery,
is the problem of ‘arrested maturity.’ Dur-
ing the progression of chemical dependen-
cy, regardless of age at onset, drug use
becomes the primary means of responding
to emotional and interpersonal issues. Al-
ternative responses fail to develop beyond
this point. The development of self-aware-
ness, self-esteem and the capacity for real
intimacy with others is severely curtailed.
The earlier the onset of addiction, the
greater the deficits. Once drug use has
ceased . . . the recovering person is ready

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to resume personal growth by addressing
repressed feelings and unresolved con-
flicts.”

As cocaine becomes the source of and
repository for essential chemical survival
messages in the brain, so, evidently, can it
serve the same function for all of a per-
son’s emotional responses, from love and
joy to hate and rage. Based on that, it
would seem the most dangerous drug of
abuse. It is, then, confounding when we
look at what actually happened in the only
long-term study done with people who use
cocaine regularly. Because they didn’t all
go crazy, and they didn’t all end up addled
or addicted. Some, in fact, just got bored
and stopped.

Dr. Ronald Siegel does his work in a
two-bedroom apartment on a quiet, tree-
lined street in the manicured hills of Los
Angeles. For the past ten years, his work
has been primarily of two kinds. One is
the most fundamental and essential kind
of research on cocaine use: determining
what happens to people who use it for a
long period of time. It was a natural out-
growth of the other, more lucrative type of
work he does: counseling the famous and
wealthy for cocaine addiction, indluding
such people as movie producer Julia (The
Sting, Close Encounters of the Third
Kind) Phillips, as well as captains of
industry, movie stars, comedians, profes-
sional athletes and race-car drivers who do
not wish their relationship with Siegel to
be known.

We met the weekend Marvin Gaye was
shot to death, allegedly by his father, amid
rumors that the famous rhythm-and-blues
singer had been experiencing fits of co-
caine-induced violent behavior. Word was
that Gaye had taken cocaine and then beat
people. The last person he had beaten,
supposedly, was his father.

I sat on a couch. Siegel sat on a leather
chair. Between us was a table that had
been fashioned from the hatch of a large
wooden ship. From the stereo speakers
behind me, I could hear a man moaning
and crying. “Oh, please, God, let me out
of here,” the man wept. “Oh, God. Every-
thing in my life was Katy.”

The voice was that of Robert LaCava,
one of Siegel’s favorite examples of the
potential effect of cocaine. The police
had picked up LaCava standing nude in
his living room. His girlfriend, Katy, was
nude in the bath, with ligature marks
around her neck and the back of her head
crushed. She had blood coming out of her
nose and ears. The police took LaCava to
the station, put him in a room with a tape
recorder and waited.

“Oh, God, just take me to the psycho
ward.”

Listening to LaCava’s moans and
weeping, Siegel says, "He's just starting to
realize what’s happened, and he’s having
an emotional response to it.”

On the tape, a police detective said,
“Calm down, now, Bob. We just have to

“So this is what the boys in the back room are having."

PLAYBOY

figure out what happened.”

“I sniffed cocaine. 1 went insane,"
LaCava cried.

Siegel, a former marathon racer who
has climbed the inhospitable Andean
slopes where coca grows, has a penchant
for the melodramatic. He likes to tell hor-
ror stories, delights in the demonstrative.
Siegel calls the sometimes hideous antics
of cocaine addicts “forensic theater.” His
Practice, not to mention his nine-year
study, has given him a special insight few
researchers have. Because of his stature in
the scientific community, he is often called
in on cases such as LaCava's as an expert
witness to testify about the effects cocaine
can have on people.

“His blood level of cocaine made John
Belushi look like he’d been to a garden
party,” Siegel says of LaCava. “This guy
was flying.” LaCava, suffering acute and
chronic cocaine psychosis, smashed his
girlfriend’s skull and strangled her with a
telephone cord. Smith, Gold and Siegel
agree that cocaine does not make people
kill. But it has special properties that
make people react in ways they might nev-
er react otherwise.

“If you remove the illegality and you
look at it just pharmacologically, all three
major drugs of abuse—alcohol, heroin and
coke—can produce a continuum of effects
from mild intoxication to death. There's
nothing magical about that. And it doesn’t
automatically transform people."

Siegel makes his point by quoting Jocl
Fort, a physician and author of Alcohol:
Our Biggest Drug Problem. “For exam-
ple, if you look at 'the most common group
drug experience in America, the cocktail
party,' you have a group of people ingest-
ing the same drug in the same amount in
the sarne setting over the same period of
time. ‘Some drinkers were passive or
drowsy, some boisterous or aggressive,
some amorous or lascivious.’ So it’s not the
drug, it’s the drug combination with
what you are. Cocaine is not a magical
elixir. It’s simply a chemical with certain
Properties. It’s the nondrug variables that
make the difference.”

In other words, Siegel is saying the
same thing Smith and Gold said: Addic-
tion is a disease, regardless of the sub-
stance.

But how, then, does cocaine come to be
associated with violence, such as LaCava's
attack on his girlfriend?

“Cocaine hallucinations,” Siegel says,
“come with what we call a clear senso-
rium. You don’t see the walls melting, the
way you might with acid. If you're on
acid, things are so weird that you know
you're having hallucinations—at least,
most of the time you do; there are excep-
tions even to that. But with coke, every-
thing looks correct. Only you might see
bugs crawling on your skin. And since
your senses are heightened, not dulled,
Since you are not stuporous, you believe
that there really are bugs crawling on

your skin. 1 had one patient come in with
burns all over his body, because he'd tried
to burn the bugs off with a blowtorch.
Since there is no distortion in what you
perceive, you believe what seems to be
happening to you. Your hearing is much
more acute when you're high on cocaine.
So you hear a car door slam down the
block and you think, That’s a police-car
door. They're coming to get me. Pretty
soon, you find yourself saying, ‘Hey, Pm
going to get my gun and check this
out.”

Siegel says that cocaine “ignites a fire in
the brain.” It’s as if the sun has gone down
and you build a nice cozy fire in the fire-
place. And now you can no longer see the
real world out the window but only the
reflection of the fire in the glass.

“You see the furniture of your mind,”
he says. “If you continue to fuel the fire,
you go through a continuum of predictable
effects: euphoria and sexual enhancement,
then dysphoria, sadness, weight loss, sex-
ual disinterest, Then paranoia, gradual
suspicion, feelings of grandiosity at times.
Startle reactions, what we call checking
behavior, in which you're constantly look-
ing around, checking out your environ-
ment. Impulsive behavior and a gradual
progression to a psychosislike state with
auditory and visual hallucinations at
times. And that’s the point at which you’ll
be blow-drying your hair and keep holler-
ing out, ‘Who’s there?’ and nobody will be
there. You're hearing voices calling your
name. That’s the point at which you may
decide to get your gun and go check it
ош.”

І wondered about cocaine’s lethality;
interestingly, not one of the subjects in
Siegel's study died. He estimates that
deaths related to cocaine use and abuse
occur at a rate of “about one per day, and
that would include some gunshot wounds,
too.” In New York State, however, co-
caine emergency-room deaths were re-
ported to number 518 in the third quarter
of 1981 alone. And in a survey of 2240
physicians, 15 deaths were reported while
cocaine was used as an anesthetic in con-
trolled surgical procedures with lifesaving
equipment and professional help present

Опе of the problems in making mean-
ingful guesses at how many people are
dying from cocaine poisoning is that not
all coroners and emergency-room physi-
cians know what to look for. When
cocaine kills, it does so due to convulsion
(epilepsylike seizures), cardiac arrhyth-
mia (heari-attack-like symptoms) or re-
spiratory collapse (you stop breathing,
your heart is pumping like mad and your
lungs fill up with fluid). Since those symp-
toms are all associated with other diseases
and conditions, it is impossible to know
how many times a coroner may miss a
cocaine death.

With his characteristic flair for the dra-
matic, Siegel places a brown-glass bottle

in my hand. It is about the size of two
packs of cigarettes. The label has a large c
in the center and says, COCAINE HYDRO-
CHLORIDE USP. FLAKY CRYSTALS. Below is
the word poison flanked by a red skull and
crossbones.

“That skull and crossbones says it all,”
Siegel says. “For years, I had trouble
understanding the problems with cocaine.
We saw people using it and getting these
reactions, and yet everyone said it wasn’t
addictive, it wasn’t dangerous. And some
people had no significant reaction at all.
‘Then, one day, I was looking at the bottle,
and I noticed that it very clearly said por-
зом on it. And although there are different
effects with different people in low doses,
no matter who you are, if I inject you with
about a gram of pure cocaine, you will die.
And once we started to look at this as a
poison, we began to see explanations for
the responses people have to the drug. I
think it would be helpful if the skull and
crossbones were on every gram sold in the
United States. It would be a reminder that
users are ingesting a drug with many
properties, one of them being toxicity. It
would be a helpful counterpoint to the
image that cocaine has as a glamor
drug."

In the middle Seventies, cocaine
brought a new verb into the English lan-
guage. That verb is “to base.” I base, you
base, he or she bases. It refers to smoking
the free base of cocaine. Siegel’s bottle
with the skull and crossbones contained
cocaine hydrochloride, which is the same
flaky crystal (though considerably purer)
that is sold on the street for sniffing. It is
soluble in water, so when it touches the
moist membrane in the nose, it dissolves
and is transmitted into the blood stream,
which carries it to the brain. It may take
three to five minutes to get there. Its
effects may persist for 20 minutes to an
hour after that.

If the cocaine is separated—freed—
from the hydrochloride salt, the result is
purified cocaine base. It is not readily
soluble in water and not suitable for
sniffing. However, if a mild heat is
applied to it, it vaporizes. The vapor, pure
cocaine, is readily absorbed through the
lungs into the blood stream and is carried
on to the brain. It takes about seven sec-
onds and can result in dozens of times the
normal dose you might get from sniffing.
Free-basers routinely smoke many times
the lethal dose of cocaine. However, some
60 to 80 percent goes up in smoke and is
lost into the room. If the full lethal dose
gets into the lungs and is absorbed into the
blood, the baser dies, usually after convul-
sion and respiratory collapse.

And although one can become psychotic
from snorting cocaine, the most dramatic
effects involve the free-basers and those
few who inject the drug.

In Siegel's study, he classified five types
of users: (1) experimental (used no more
than ten times); (2) social-recreational

(used infrequently but regularly in social
settings; average, one gram per week);
(3) circumstantial-situational (used to
augment or enhance a specific situation,
eg, sex or work performance; average,
two grams per week); (4) intensified (used
at least once a day for a long time; average,
three grams per week); (5) compulsive
(addicted and unable to stop). In the
report of his experiment, delivered to
NIDA but not yet published when we
went to press, Siegel wrote:

By 1978, 39 percent of the users
had smoked cocaine . . . and ten per-
cent classified themselves as pri-
marily cocaine free-base smokers.
For the last five years of the study,
there were two distinct populations
of users: intranasal users (90 per-
cent) and cocaine free-base smokers
(ten percent). . . . All 99 users were
classified initially as social-recrea-
tional users. . . . From 1975 to 1978,
75 percent of the users still in the
study engaged in episodes of more
frequent use . . . but remained pri-
marily social users, From 1978 to
1983, 50 percent of the users still in
the study remained social-recreation-
al (with continuing episodes of in-
creased use), 32 percent of the users
became primarily circumstantial-sit-
uational users, eight percent became
intensified users and ten percent be-
came compulsive users. Importantly,
this latter compulsive group consist-
ed entirely of cocaine free-base
smokers.

In other words, ten percent of the
people in his sample became addicted to
cocaine, and all those who became ad-
dicted to it smoked free base. "Essential-
ly,” Siegel says, “there is no such thing as
a social-recreational free-baser.” Smith
and Gold agree that although some people
may try it once and never again, regular
free-base users are destined for

A typical free-base story is unbelievable
to most people. Basing is like putting your
life on fast forward. You wake up and it’s
next year. Days go by like minutes. Mon-
ey goes up like flash paper. It is not
uncommon for someone with money, real
estate and other valuable property to sit.
down to frec-base a little and get up ten or
15 months later to discover that he has
converted everything he owns to cocaine
and smoked it. It sounds like a comedy
skit, but it’s not. Here are a few comments
on free-basers from Siegel's monograph
"Cocaine Smoking," published by the
Journal of Psychoactive Drugs in 1982.
Each paragraph refers to a different per-
son:

He believed there was a secret tun-
nel under the bathroom floor and the
[neighborhood] children were trying
to enter his house. After smoking for
several hours, he began to see chil-
dren coming through the walls of the
house. He ran into the bathroom,

pulled up the rug and began shooting
a gun at the floor. He then shot
at the hallucinatory children coming
through the walls, ran outside into
the street and began shooting at the
real children in the neighborhood. He
was taken into custody at that time by
police.

He reported smoking free base for
the previous 12 hours and his hands
appeared swollen and bleeding. . . .
His girlfriend reported that the pa-
tient had held a gun to her head min-
utes earlier. . . . He exited the room,
saw a police officer and started shoot-
ing at the officer. The officer re-
turned the fire and the patient was
eventually restrained after a lengthy
and violent struggle with several offi-
cers.

She reported selling all her posses-
sions and her house in order to main-
tain her cocaine supplies. Prior to
consultation, she had carved on her
arm IAM ACOKE WHORE and attempted
to kill her mother with the knife.

When examined, he had been on a
120-hour binge during which he
smoked 25 grams of free base "know-
ing I could stop and quit.” He was
acutely manic and paranoid and
stated: “I heard a woman talking, so I
carry a gun at night. Always position
myself for defense near windows. I'll
shoot you if you don't help me... . I
do nothing in life except base."

Not all basers turn to violence or
thoughts of violence, of course. The jour-
nal Drug Law Report carried an article by

Siegel in the autumn of 1983 that dc-
scribed the case of a man named Ori Love.
Love tried cocaine for the first time and
dedared, “If God wanted to make the per-
fect drug, He would have made cocaine.
Since cocaine is perfect, it must be God's
gift. When I take cocaine into my body, I
am partaking of God Himself.”

Siegel wrote, “Subsequently, the de-
fendant engaged in a ‘religious crusade’ to
procure his sacrament—he held up a
series of banks and savings-and-loan asso-
ciations. Every day, he consumed one to
three ounces of cocaine. This was con-
firmed by his brother and wife, who
witnessed the progressive, albeit rapid,
development of cocaine psychosis. During
a three-week period covering the charges,
the defendant went through $32,000 in
cocaine and three seizures [i.e., convul-
sions]."

Siegel leaned across the table in his
apartment. *When I interviewed Ori," he
said, *we were sitting at a table like this,
and there were Los Angeles sheriff's
police sitting there with us. And Ori said,
"Doctor, if you were to put my release
papers on one end of this table and an
o-zee [ounce] on the other, I'd smoke that
o-zee right now."

Indeed, one of the most remarkable
characteristics of cocaine is its irresistibili-
ty. Gold points out the similarity between
cocaine addiction in animals and the way
addicted humans act. *Monkeys don't
have a bias [in experimental setüngs].
"They start out preferring females in heat
and bananas. Then you give them cocaine.
And by the time you’re finished, they can’t
tell the difference between a male and a

“I understand the part about the variable interest rate,
but what’s this part about my first-born son?”

PLAYBOY

female and clearly don’t recognize that
food, water and sex are in any way impor-
tant to them. Now, I don’t see how we can
be so grandiose as to say that won't hap-
pen to us.”

“Cocaine is really pleasurable,” Siegel
says, “and monkeys really like that and
will work harder for that than for any
other drug. I see a lot of people in my
practice who are very much like the ani-
mals in the experiments.”

About one thing, all cocaine researchers
seem sure: "We are in the middle of a
cocaine-abuse epidemic,” says Smith.
“And our measurements indicate that it is
still on the rise.” Smith’s Haight-Ashbury
clinic sees about 125 people a day. In
1980, three percent of those were cocaine
abusers. At the end of 1984, the figure will
be about 20 percent.

“But the more amazing figures are
those of Mark Gold,” Smith admits.
Indeed, if Gold’s figures, culled from his
800-COCAINE surveys, are correct,
there are perhaps more than 2,000,000
people who are in trouble with cocaine.
“What’s amazing about those data,” says
Smith, “is the number of dysfunctional
people who are not in treatment,”

Siegel disagrees. “I think it’s a bit too
early to evaluate that. You can’t get those
people [who call 800-COCAINE] in to
take a urine sample, blood sample or coke
sample. There are lots of things you can’t
do that limit the data. On the other hand,
it's a lot of data. It's a way of reaching
people you couldn't otherwise get."

Gold has a few comments about Siegel’s
study, which began with 99 people and
ended with 50. Some dropped out because
they got tired of using cocaine. Others
simply moved away or got bored with the

demands being placed on them by the
experiment. "There's no question that
the findings are true," Gold says, "but
whether they are representative is a differ-
ent matter." In other words, the 50 people
Siegel ended up with certainly did what he
says they did, but that doesn't mean every-
one else will do the same. Gold disagrees
with Siegel and Smith on the question of
what percentage of people who use co-
caine become addicted.

“I would guess that rather than being
ten percent,” Gold says, “it would be
closer to 30 percent. Siegel’s was a very
small sample and not representative. On
the other hand, it’s one of the only things
we have.”

Gold stresses the fact that availability
and price—rationing, іп essence—help
keep cocaine-addiction figures low. “If
you put animals in a cocaine study and use
rationing imposed from the outside, they
don’t develop compulsive use," he says.
“That's done for people by price and other
factors. If you take the monkeys off ration-
ing, they will self-administer cocaine until
death. I'm not very satisfied with any
models that minimize the potential disas-
ter of unlimited access, since all previous
models had to be revised and the predic-

tions of the Seventies about cocaine liabi

ty and problems all had to be recalled like
а used American-made automobile.”
Smith, however, points out that regard-
less of their experimental techniques, most
cocaine researchers who approach the
problem systematically see the same gen-
“It is clear that we're all

eral outlines.

compulsively to drug usc, there may be
some way to predict that behavior and to
warn those people. “Seventy to 80 percent
of our cocaine addicts have a family his-
tory of alcoholism,” Smith says. "And, as
with alcoholism, the biggest cocaine re-
lapse comes with those who try to return
to controlled use of cocaine. If you do
develop true addiction, you can’t go back.”
Remember, addiction is compulsion, loss
of control and continued use in spite of
adverse consequences.

In controlled experiments, hard data
have been produced for alcoholism. Not
only are children of alcoholics more likely
to develop alcoholism but some test results
indicate that the brain-wave patterns of
sons of alcoholics are different from those
of sons of nonalcoholics. But the closest
anyone is willing to come to predicting
who might have trouble with drugs is to
say that if it has happened before, it can
happen again.

“Without question,” Smith says, “there
is a predisposing factor with alcoholism.
‘The research with cocaine is much newer
and the data much softer. What's needed
is a much more in-depth study that figures
out the variables."

Paradoxically, the problem with со-
caine research at the moment stems from
NIDA, the institution that funds most of
it. NIDA has traditionally been a political
tool serving the Presidential Administra-
tion. When Ronald Reagan took office, for
example, he began using NIDA to at-
tempt to fulfill his campaign promise to
get tough on drugs and crime (see The
War on Drugs: A Special Report, PLAYBOY,
April 1982). He wanted NIDA to provide
the latest scientific evidence that marijua-
na caused brain damage, impotence, crim-
inal behavior, madness, birth defects and a
wide range of other ills that simply could
not be proved to the satisfaction of any
legitimate scientist. Nancy Reagan be-
came the leader of a national parents’
campaign against marijuana, and NIDA,
caught in the middle of it, found itself in
the odious position of having to publish or
silently accept some rather radical and
unsupportable opinions about the dangers
of marijuana smoking.

The situation has not changed in its
general outlines, but the current drug in
question is cocaine, while marijuana, hav-
ing failed to generate an epidemic of brain
damage and crime, has taken a back seat.

“If you happen to be in the antimari-
juana camp,” Smith says, “you can say
things that are totally without foundation
and get supported. Now, NIDA wants us
to say that everybody who touches cocaine
immediately has irreversible brain dam-
age, but it’s just not true. But the political
response increases rather than decreases
the drug problem. In 90 percent of the
cases, all recovery is complete. In fact,
after a year in recovery, the patients are
doing better than before.”

Siegel agrees. “I was the first one in this

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country to say that cocaine was physically
addicting. Гуе been arguing for changing
our view of cocaine to that of a physically
addicting drug. But because I say there
aren’t so many problems with the infre-
quent users, people object. The long-term
use of cocaine doesn’t seem to result in
damage to any body system except the
nose, and that can be taken care of with
good hygiene. Cocaine has a remarkably
clean track record for a drug that’s so used
and abused. The worst problems are the
mental ones, and they can be terrible.”

Which is one of the most curious points
of all about cocaine. For while it can pro-
duce effects in certain individuals that
make heroin addiction pale by compari-
son, a heroin or alcohol addict is left with
permanent body and nerve damage after
long-term abuse. The cocaine addict, as
far as the research has been able to deter-
mine, gets away more or less scot-free.
That, of course, assumes that he never
uses cocaine again.

But NIDA—or, at least, its customer,
the Reagan Administration—is not happy

with anything less than the blackest pic-
ture of cocaine. For political purposes,
cocaine must appear to be totally evil or
else the issue is too murky to be of use.
Both Siegel and Smith, as well as the other
major cocaine researchers, say the prob-
lem is not the drug, be it alcohol, heroin,
pills or cocaine. As Smith says, it's the
nondrug variables. And we, the people,
are the nondrug variables.

Gold views the problem more harshly.
“Our experience in answering nearly
400,000 calls suggests very strongly that
cocaine problems are not rare and not only
problems that happen to somebody else.
At one time, all of our callers had control
of their cocaine use, and none of us can
figure out how they lost it. I think anyone
can be addicted if the frequency and
potency of the drug are there. If anyone
says otherwise, 1 would ask him to volun-
teer to take the drug four times a day for
four months.”

“As far as NIDA’s concerned, if you
apply the disease concept, you are advo-
cating use,” Smith says. “But stressing

“Kickbacks, embezzlement, price fixing, bribery .. . this
is an extremely high-crime area.”

brain damage is counterproductive to re-
covery, because the motivation [of some-
one trying to quit] is to recover. If you give
the addict no hope, he won't try. Alcohol is
legal, so the quality of research on alcohol-
m has been very high. Because cocaine is
illegal, the research has not been very
good. We're just starting to get serious.”

NIDA, Smith admits, makes it difficult
for him to say what he wants to say.
“МІРА? view is that researchers like us
are saying that you can jump in the water
and not get wet. But we know from clini-
cal experience that a recreational cocaine
user does not see a pile of cocaine and feel
compelled to use it until it is gone.” If you
feel that compulsion, you have already
gone beyond recreational use.

Smith stresses the need for redefining
our way of looking at cocaine. He says
that if he tells an addict that cocaine
affects everyone in precisely the same way,
the addict will be confused, because his
senses tell him otherwise. “An addict sees
someone else taking a little cocaine in
a social situation and doesn’t understand
why he can’t do the same.” Obviously, a
doctor can’t tell his patient that that
recreational cocaine user doesn’t exist.
"The patient has seen it with his own eyes.
So what can his doctor tell him if NIDA
insists that all people react the same way
to the drug?

“The current prevention climate is anti-
treatment,” Smith says. “Alcoholism is the
best-studied addictive disease we know of,
and that research should be updated and
adapted to cocaine. Then we'll get some
high-level research. Currently, alcoholism
is regarded as a disease, while cocaine use
is a crime. That’s like saying cancer of the
liver is a disease, while cancer of the lung
is a crime. We work a lot with industry,
and the attitude there is to treat the alco-
holic and to fire the cocaine addict, even
though the characteristics of the addictive
process are very similar.”

Erlich, head of Forest Farm Communi-
ty, wrote, “Without treatment, the disease
is fatal. . . . Once an individual develops
addictive disease and the compulsion to
use is established, it remains intact for
one's entire life. . . . Resumption of use at
any stage of recovery reconstitutes the
compulsion at its highest level of intensity.
Thus, there is no possibility of returning
to controlled use. . . . We take the issue of
relapse very seriously, as any relapse
could be fatal.”

The message of modern cocaine
research, then, is clear: Cocaine is danger-
ous. And while some people can experi-
ment with it, for others the prognosis is
bleak. One recovering cocaine addict de-
scribed it this way: "We're all on a plane
flying around over Kansas. We're going to
give everyone a knapsack. Some contain
parachutes and some do not. Now, who
would like to jump out of the plane? It's
really fun if your parachute opens.”

тк ШЕБ

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їп Чарап, where high-tech electronics

are a way Of life, they pay $714.93
for an American-made radar detector

(You can get the same one for considerably less)

ET we were a little surprised. All we did
was build the best radar detector we knew
how. We shipped our first ESCORT in 1978.
and since then we ve shipped over 600.000.
Along the way the ESCORT has earned quite
a reputation —among its owners, and also in
several automotive magazines.

Credentials
Over the past five years, Car and Driver
magazine has performed four radar detector
comparison tests. Escort has been rated
number one in each. Their most recent test
concluded “The Escort radar detector is
clearly the leader in the field in value, cus-
tomer service, and performance...’ We think

that's quite an endorsement.

Our Responsibility

One of the reasons for our reputation is
our attention to detail. If we don't feel we can
do something very well, we simply won't do it.
That's why we sell Escorts direct from the
factory to you. Not only can we assure the
quality of the ESCORT, but we can also make
sure that the salesperson you speak to is
knowledgeable. And if an ESCORT ever
needs service, it will be done quickly. And
it will be done right.

50 States Only

And thats the reason we don't presently
sell ESCORTs outside of the United States.
Even in the countries that use identical radar
(Japan and Australia, to name two) we know
that we couldn't provide the kind of customer
service that ESCORT owners expect. So we
pass up the additional sales rather than risk
our reputation.

"Dear Sir."

So we'll admit we were surprised when a
letter from one of our customers included an
advertisement from a Japanese automotive
magazine. The ad pictured an ESCORT, and
the price was 158,000 yen. Our customer was
kind enough to convert that to U.S. dollars.
Using that day's rate of exchange, an American-
made ESCORT wes worth $714.93 in Japan.
Further translation revealed the phrase "The
real thing is here!" and warned against
imitations

This % page ad was a total surprise.

Econ 101

Needless to say, we were flattered. We
knew that ESCORT had an impressive repu-
tation. but we never expected to see it “boot-
legged” into other countries and sold at such
a premium. But the laws of supply and demand
are not so easy to ignore. When there is a
strong need for a product. there is an equally
strong incentive for an enterprising capitalist
to fill that need. And apparently, that's just
what happened.

The Moral
We still dont sell out of the country. And
the price in this country is still $245. The
price we've had for the last five years.

Quite a deal for what the Japanese must
think is the best radar detector in the world.

Try ESCORT at no risk
Take the first 30 days with ESCORT asa
test. If you're not completely satisfied
return it for a full refund. You can't lose.

ESCORT is also backed with a one
year warranty on both parts and labor.
ESCORT $245 (Ohio res. add $13.48 tax)

.800-543-1608
.800-582-2696

By mail send to address below. Credit"
cards, money orders, bank checks, cer-
tified checks, wire transfers processed
immediately. Personal or company
checks require 18 days.

ESCORT

RADAR WARNING RECEIVER

Cincinnati Microwave
Department 100-907
One Microwave Plaza
Cincinnati, Ohio 45296-0100

Tune in “Talkback with Jerry Galvin” America's new weekly satellite call-in comedy talk show. Sunday evenings on public radio stations. Check local listings.

C 1984 Cincinnati Microwave, Inc.

ON:T

Е i

тА
МА

GOOD VIBES

e must be still and still moving,” wrote Т. S.
Eliot in 1940, anticipating the wave of today’s
massage merchandise. In Eliot’s day, the only
form of electric massage was a lightning bolt;
now science is bringing much-kneaded relief to working
stiffs everywhere, and vibrant health is just a trigger finger

away. It’s enough to send shivers up your spine; these mar-
vels of modem massage are to Magic Fingers what the
computer is to the abacus. They'll shake, rattle and roll you
the moment you find an outlet for their many applications.
So loosen up—head for the nearest massage-machine par-
lor and load your car with the latest in spine-tingling tech.

Above: Remember the oid joke with the punch line “C-c-cut her loose!”? Tachikawa's Portable Heated Full-Body Massage Machine cuts anyone
loose who climbs aboard, as its eight contoured rollers move beneath the surface of the mat in such a way that you feel as though you've been
massaged by a masseuse from top to toe, from Hammacher Schlemmer, $1495, including the handset control, which allows you to activate a
heating mechanism in the mat. Top left: This Swedish-style massager attaches to your hand and has settings for both regular and heated
massages, by Wahl Clipper, $60. Top center: Norelco's Vibrating Bedboard, which slips under a mattress or a couch cushion, features a 60-
minute timer that automatically shuts the machine off—and you can use it on the floor as a foot massager, too, $49.95. Top right: The contoured
Massator Pedio massager rubs your footsies—or your calves, chesi, back, etc.—the right way, from Trileen, Costa Mesa, California, $249.

be
o
m
=
=
a
а

Kings, 17 mg. "tar", 1.1 mg. nicotine; Longs, 15 mg. “tar”,
1.0 mg. nicotine av. per cigarette, FTC Report Mar. '84.

Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health

GADGETS
INFORMATION, PLEASE

Left: Gulf + Western's Sensaphone
monitors such home conditions
as temperature and unusual
sounds and automatically calls
to let you know that some-
thing’s amiss, $249.95.

Above: The Vivitar 5600 flash informs
you via an LCD how far the flash is
effective and other useful info, about
$290 with a motorized zoom head.

Right: Spinning out of the turn is The King,
a hand-held race-track computer that handi-
caps the ponies after you've programmed
in posted odds, distance, info about who's
running, elc. —andit even manages your bank
roll, by Crown Sports System, about $3000.

Below: Just about everything you need to
take your office act on the road is incor-
porated into the WorkSlate, a three-pound
personal computer that makes calls,
remembers appointments and
much more, by Convergent
Technologies, $1195.

Above: The PriveCode electronically screens incom-

GREGOR KRAUS.

WITTERING HEIGHTS
We've been carrying the torch for gorgeous
Karen Witter ever since she appeared as our
Playmate of the Month back in March 1982.
And her 1984 Olympic contribution, a
24” x 32”, five-color portrait poster titled The
Right Stuff, rates a gold medal, too. You can get
а signed Right Stuff for $17.50 or an unsigned
one for $12.50 sent to Cardone Productions,
P.O. Box 10606, Marina Del Ray, California
90295. Sorry, Karen’s inscription doesn’t include
her home address or phone number, guys.

The Right Stu

THE OFFICE CARD

If your business card is burning a hole in your
pocket, you can turn it into а rosewood-framed.
11V" x T" battery wall clock for only $99.95.
Or you can go for gold or silver wood frames for
only $39.95 each, postpaid, sent to Embosograph
Display Manufacturing Company, 1430 West
Wrightwood, Chicago 60614. The process takes
about six weeks. Since Senior Editor David
Stevens has been with the magazine almost 19
years, what’s a few more weeks to him?

PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES. INC

POTPOURRI

PRESENTS PURR-FECT

Yesterday, it was Cabbage Patch Dolls; today, it may be Dree-
bles. Dreebles are furry creatures about the size of a tennis ball
that look as if they escaped from Gremlins or The Muppet Show.
But when you pet them, they purr (thanks to a tiny microchip
and a five-year battery tucked inside), and even squeak when
squeezed. A company called—what else?—Prrrl Ventures, P.O.
Box 884806, San Francisco 94188, sells the Dreebles for $19.95
each, postpaid. And as if all that weren’t cute enough, each one
comes with its own pedigree papers that you fill in.

LATEST
PHONE KICK

The phone industry is enjoy-
ing something of a renais-
sance, with new electronic
wonders ringing everyone’s
chimes. And the look of
phones has changed, too,
with basic-black Ma Bell
specials being reborn as
Mickey Mouse, a pair of red
lips and other curious styles.
Football fans haven't been
forgotten, as Specialty
Phones, Inc., 742 Cedar
Way, Oakmont, Pennsylva-
nia 15139-1994, is selling a
Phona-Football that looks
like an ordinary pigskin ex-
cept for a built-in handset
and a ring that resembles a
referee’s whistle—for only
$244. And for fishermen,

the same company even
makes a Phona-Bass that
looks like a mounted-bass
trophy for the wall and an-
nounces incoming calls with
“the sound a fisherman’s reel
makes when a bass strikes.”
Now, that’s weird.

SIGNS OF THE TIMES

No, Ande Rooney isn't a commentator
on the TV show 60 Minutes. It’s a com-
pany that manufactures metal reproduc-
tions of vintage signs, such as the LAY OR
BUST POULTRY FEEDS pictured here. That
one will set you back only $18.50, post-
paid, but Rooney has others in its $1 cat-
alog, available from Ande Rooney, Ltd.,
P.O. Box 758, Port Ewen, New York
12466. That's о chicken feed.

THE TAPE MAN COMETH

There's good news tonight for video-
philes: When your favorite tape, such as
Playboy Video, goes bonkers from over-
play, check with the National Cassette
Service, 7710 Melrose Avenue, Los An-
geles 90046, before you kiss it goodbye.
N.C.S. repairs both VHS and Beta tapes,
and its prices, which begin around $10,
make salvage economical. Just like Old
Man River, our copy of Little Lord
Fauntleroy now just keeps rolling along.

GIRLIES ON PARADE

Back in the dark ages before
there was PLAYBOY, a legion of
men’s magazines strutted
across the newsstands of
America, turning on their
readers with such features as
“From Bop to Bumps!” and
“What You Don’t Know
About Babes You Know.” Al-
though such titles as Titter,
Flirt and Beauty Parade may
have died, the old issues
haven't faded away: A.R.S.
Productions, P.O. Box 882, El
Sobrante, California 94803,
stocks hundreds of them, and
$2 gets you a shopping list.
How you gonna keep them
down on the farm after
they've seen Betty Page?

GONGA DIN

You may not want to swing
with the 80”, $19,000 Paiste
gong that Emerson, Lake and
Palmer use in their act, but
for $53, you can summon your
guests to sup in style with the
petite seven-inch model shown
here. Yes, the dinner gong is
staging a comeback (some сїй
friends of ours claim that they
never knew it went away),
and The Magni Company,
2401 East 17th Street, Santa
Ana, California 92701, is in
the movement's vanguard.

Its catalog lists a variety of
wall and table models that
come complete with mallet.
I’s more genteel than yelling
“Come and get it, fat ass!”

MEET IRMA
THE BODY!

SOMMELIER IN
YOUR POCKET

The next time a sommelier
has you groveling for his
advice, simply whip out your
Wizard of Wine pocket
computer and blow the bas-
tard’s vintage mind. The
Wizard of Wine displays
ratings and usage guidelines
for the well-known wines

of France, Italy, Germany
and the United States. All
you do is punch in your
choice and the year, and
W.O.W. tells you how it
rates and whether or not it’s
too old to drink. Wizards are
$44.50 from Fads, Inc., 400
South Edwards, Mount Pros-
pect, Illinois 60057. That's
the price of a good Bordeaux.

209

GRAPEVINE

Getting Some on the Sly

But can he play that balloon? This photo made us howl, and we hope it signals the return of
SLY STONE. After taking his fans higher and higher musically, he took himself lower and lower
with drugs. Now he's clean, and rumor has it that he may reunite The
Family Stone and tour. We're ready to boogie again.

Rockettes on a Roll

It's not every day that you get a first-string team like this one in the same room. We salute
the collective talent of (left to right) TONI BASIL, MARTHA DAVIS, GRACE SLICK and CYNDI
LAUPER. Among them, they've sold a whole lot of records. It pleases us greatly to see Grace
right in the middle of this contemporary crew, still hanging in, in a big way, witha bunch of girls
who just wanna have fun.

Fran-tastic Forever

We like to check in with singer/actress
FRAN JEFFRIES every couple of years.
Her first ptareoy photos ran in February
1971. Then, in September 1982, when
she was 45, we did it again. She looked
great at 45 and looks even finer at 47.
Says Fran, "Women over 40 are looking
real good.” Amen!

Сїтте ап О

This disheveled siren is actress SANDRA WEY. You're go-
ing to know her much better when the further adventures
of The Story of O get to a theater near you, sometime soon.
It’s an easy choice this time out: Wey is our celebrity (in
the making) breast of the month.

Pompons and
Circumstance

You first saw actress KAREN
KELLEY in Hardbodies, a piece
of exercise-and-beach fluff,
at your local moviehouse last
spring. Now you can see her in
Give Me an F, a piece of exer-
cise-and-cheerleader fluff.
Yeah, team!

Hark! What Buds
Through Yonder T-Shirt Break?

We don't have to tell you that actress DONNA WILKES is
cute. You can see that for yourselves. We can tell you that she was
recently in Angel and before that in Jaws If and on TV in The Incredible Hulk.
She has already completed a TV pilot, so if things go well, you
may have Donna И in your living room опе
day soon. lg” What a deal.

HERPES UPDATE

As we went to press, the Food and
Drug Administration was pondering
approval of the drug Acyclovir for long-
term treatment of herpes. Previously,
the FDA had OK'd topical applications
of the drug for treatment of first-time
herpes inflammations. New evidence
suggests that an oral form may prevent
subsequent outbreaks, too.

But even bigger news is on the ho-
rizon—a herpes vaccine. John A. Graves,
director of The Herpes Resource Cen-
ter, told us that completion of testing
and subsequent FDA approval of one of
several proposed herpes vaccines may
very likely occur within five years.

Right now, five such studies are under
way in the United States alone. One
vaccine is already undergoing human
testing. But don’t bother trying to get
into the test group—it's too late, and
scientists havetheir own ways of assem-
bling a test population. Volunteers who
live thousands of miles from the test
center, for instance, are frowned upon,
because follow-up is usually difficult.

A herpes vaccine, like other vaccines,
will not physically benefit those who are
already infected, though the knowledge
that their uninfected sexual partners
can be inoculated will probably relieve
a huge psychological burden for suf-

YOU AND ME

OPERA NIGHT

SEX NEWS

ferers. The greatest promise is for those
who are sexually active with a variety of
partners. Current preventive measures
are limited to examining your prospec-
tive partner's genitalia and abstaining if
lesions are present or using condoms if
they are not.

Inthe not-too-distant future, getting a
herpes vaccination may become just
another rite of passage, like getting a
driver's license. Until then, the best way
to find out about herpes is to join The
Herpes Resource Center, since mem-
bership entitles you to its very good
newsletter, “The Helper”. To do so, send
$20 to The Herpes Resource Center,
Box 100, Palo Alto, California 94302.

ENDANGERED SPECIES

Whatever happened to girls? So much
of postindustrial America seems hell-
bent on making that particular female
species disappear—and what we are
left with are women with briefcases,
funny ties and sensible business suits.
Leslie Dormen and Mark Zussman's The
Secret Life of Girls (New American Li-
brary) devotes itself to discovering the
general and specific theory of girldom.
Chapters include “Ten Secrets of the
Girl Bathroom,” “The 15 Major Girl
Lies,” “Girls and Jury Duty,” “Why Girls
Like to Kiss,” “What Girls Do When

THE DEBUTANTE

THE LETTER

They're Alone,” “Bad Girls Good Girls
Envy” and “Sixteen Things That Make a
Girl Fall in Love with a Boy.” The book is
jam-packed with useful tidbits and real
answers to the puzzling questions
boys—and men—face every day. Exam-
ple: How does a girl know when she's
getting her period? When she can't
really say whether the wineglass fell or
she threw it. These are secrets you can
share with your girlfriends.

PELVIC WORKOUT

If you know anyone who uses oral
contraceptives, pass this along. Czech-
oslovakian rehabilitation expert Dr.
Vladimir Janda says that hormones
active in birth-control pills weaken the
pelvic muscles, ultimately resulting in
acute or chronic back pain. Dr. Janda
suggests that women who take the pill
should exercise regularly to avoid
back pain.

According to other sources, a good
pelvic workout consists of rhythmically
tensing and releasing the muscles of the
pelvic floor for several minutes at a time.
That can be done at a desk, in a car or
while watching TV. By the way, some
experts claim that such exercises will
enhance sexual response. We wish the
pills other complications had
such pleasant and easy solutions.

HEAVY BREATHING.

THE CANDY APPLE

One of the newest members of the ДНЕ car audio
Reflecting the perfect marriage ot hig!

Alpine Electronics of America, Inc., 19145 Gramercy Place, Torrance,

214

NEXT MONT

BROADWAY BABES

FASHION FORECAST

SAYONARA, SMITH

“REAL MEN/REAL WOMEN”—AFTER OUR INTREPID
INVESTIGATOR RECOVERED FROM PROFILING WILLIAM
HURT AND STUDYING FRIGIDITY, WE SENT HER TO A
WORKSHOP TO LEARN WHAT MALES AND FEMALES
REALLY WANT. THE MORTIFIED COLLEGE BOY, THE
SPINOLOGIST, THE EXECUTIVE SECRETARY AND THE
SWINGING SEXOLOGISTS HAD SOME REMARKABLE
ANSWERS FOR E. JEAN CARROLL

“BABES ON BROADWAY"—TODAY'S DESCENDANTS OF
SARAH BERNHARDT AND THE ZIEGFELD GIRLS ARE
JUST AS TALENTED AND JUST AS BEAUTIFUL. CHECK
THIS PICTORIAL AND BELIEVE IT

“PLAYBOY'S GUIDE TO FALL AND WINTER FASH-
ION"—THE RIGHT STUFF FOR SARTORIAL SUCCESS

"THE EDUCATION OF REGGIE SMITH"—JAPAN, AS A
PLACE IN WHICH TO PLAY OUT ONE'S BASEBALL
CAREER, MAY BE THE LAND OF THE SETTING SUN. A
BITTERSWEET SPORTS REPORT BY PULITZER PRIZE-
WINNING WRITER DAVID HALBERSTAM

FROZEN FOOD

“IN PRAISE OF FROZEN FOOD"—THERES SOME
TASTY STUFF IN YOUR GROCER'S FREEZER THESE
DAYS. OUR WEST COAST EDITOR, IN FACT, PREFERS IT
TO HIS OWN (OR HIS WIFE'S) COOKING. TRUE CONFES-
SIONS—BY STEPHEN RANDALL

DAVID LETTERMAN, THE MAN THE BABY BOOMERS
SPEND THEIR LATE NIGHTS WITH, REVEALS WHO
MAKES HIM LAUGH, WHY HE GAVE UP BEER AND WHY
HE BELIEVES CELEBRITIES ARE OTHER PEOPLE IN A
FAST-MOVING PLAYBOY INTERVIEW

“PLAYBOY’S SCRAPBOOK OF POLITICAL SEX”—VERY
CANDID CAMERA SHOTS OF NANCY, FRITZ, RONNIE,
GARY, JESSE AND TRICKY DICK, COMPILED BY THE
INIMITABLE GERALD GARDNER

PLUS: AN EROTIC RETELLING OF CASABLANCA BY
ROBERT COOVER; PICTORIAL UNCOVERAGE OF THE
SOUTHERN HEMISPHERE'S HOTTEST SEX STAR, BRA--
ZIL'S SONIA BRAGA; AND A MUSCULAR “20 QUES-
TIONS" WITH JACK LALANNE

American farmers followed a dream west and turned a barren
plain into endless seas of grain. With them went America’s native
whiskey: Kentucky Bourbon. Old Grand-Dad still makes that
Bourbon much as we did 100 years ago. It's the spirit of America.

For a 19"x26" print of Amber Waves of Grain, send a

check or money order for $4.95 to Spirit of America, P.O. Box 183A,
Carle Place, N.Y. 11514.

Old Grand-Dad

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4m “tar,” 1.1 mg nicotine av. per cigarette, FTC Report Маг'84
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