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WHAT MEN AND WOMEN REALLY WANT FROM EACH OTHER 


Interview 
\’$ ZANY 

a DAVID 
"EETXERMAN 


Pictorials 


| 


| Gold Кит. ‘The first sip will amaze you. 
The second will convert 


“Bourbon? 
No thanks. 4 
I've switched a. 
to Gold Ж af 


and soda. 
It’s ода, W 
it’s light.” 


switching to Puerto Rican gold rum. Because it has the lightness 
people prefer tod. cause it's so mixable. 
You'll find that gold rum makes an exceptionally smooth drink—on the rocks, 
with soda or ginger ale, or with your favorite mixer. 
If you're still drinking Canadian, bourbon or blended whiskey, it's because you 


haven't tasted Puerto Rican gold rum. THE GOUD RUMS ОР PUERTO RICO 


Panasonic presents the SoundBand- 
An FM stereo the size of a postage st 
Sound the size of a symphony. 


Introducing SoundBand. World's smallest FM 
stereo headphone radio. But its small size is no! 
the only reason you'll lovi . 


Through a miracle of technology called TriTex™ circuitry. 
Panasonic has reduced an entire FM stereo radio to the 
size of a postage stamp. And built the whole unit onto 
ultralight earphones. 

The entire unit weighs a mere 2.5 ounces. Batteries 
included. But the sound it puts out is really heavy. Sound 


ie Panasonic Las Vegas Invitational Pro-Am. 
jolts richest. $1,122,500 in prize money. $162,500 to the winner. 
September 19-23, 1984, Watch it on ESPN. 


$ lightest way 
ly heavy music. 


the size of a symphony. Even if you're just listening to a 
one man band. 

And theres nothing to get in the way of pure 
enjoyment. Because Panasonic has cut the cord. No 
more cords. No more tangles. So now it's even easierto . 
take your music on the гип. Or walk. Or wherever. 

And when you're not listening. Which won't be 
often. The SoundBand even folds up to store in the 
smallest places. 

SoundBand. The sound will really go to your head. 


Panasonic. 


ist slightly ahead of our time. 


No more tangles. 
Because no more cords. 


Folds to fit in the smallest places. 
Now music' easier than ever to take. 


Patented ТиТех circuitry reduces 
this radio to the size of a postage stamp. 


from Thom McAn 


Michael's shoes come in Black, бг 
MN 


PLAYBOY 


How to tempt your lover 
without wearing a fig leaf. 


First there was light. 
Followed soon thereafter 
by man and woman, a.k.a. 
Adam and Eve. Then came 
the business with the apple, 
and before you could say 
“You snake in the grass; 
five zillion years went by. 
But all wasnt for naught, 
because that fateful faux 

pas not only altered the 
history of haberdashery 
but also inspired 
= the creation 
of DeKuyper® Original Apple Barrel? Schnapps. 

While the advent of apparel is certainly appreciated, 
especially in sub-zero surroundings, the birth of DeKuyper 
Apple Barrel Schnapps is universally ballyhooed. 

All it takes is one teeny-weeny taste to convince you that 
this refreshingly crisp blend selected from nine apple varieties 
is the most sinfully delicious thing to happen to apples 
since day one. 

Whether youre throwing a posh garden 
party or entertaining a party of one, succumb _ — 
to the temptation of DeKuyper Apple Barrel \ Ӯ! y. 
Schnapps. It makes every Eve feel a little special. [^ we 


DeKuyper Original Apple Barrel Schnapps 


DeKuyper Original Apple Barrel Schnapps Liqueur, 48 Proof, John DeKuyper & Son, Elmwood Place, Ohio. 


AS WE BECOME ACCUSTOMED to fall, we sce that lile takes on a sharp- 
er, quicker pace. The air has a certain s helps 
us consider issues too serious to interrupt a pleasant summer stu- 
por. One such issue is persistent: Shell-shocked from the sexual 
revolutions of the past decade, men and women have а hard time 
knowing what's really on their minds. E. Jean Carroll travels to 
darkest California, where, natch, there is a se г that is sup- 
posed to sort all that out. What she finds When Real Men Meet 
Real Women is the subject of her startling and funny bipartisan 
report. Dave Colver' illustration accompanies the piece. 

And if thinking about such weighty issues keeps us up at night, 
thank goodness for that gap-toothed, tongue-in-cheek Devi 
Letterman. His late-night show is the best thing to happen to 
thoughtlul insomniacs since integral calculus. In this month’s 
Playboy Interview, this very funny man explains to Sam Merrill the 
challenge of drinking every beer in the world, the special burden 
of growing up in Indiana and why he doesn't like jokes about sex, 
drugs or bodily functions. Letterman may be uptight about his 
body, but health-club pioneer кек La Lanne certainly isn't. In a 
vigorous 20 Questions, he celebrates our ability to change the 
way we are, to cheat the clock and the Grim Reaper, Contribut- 
ing Editor David Rensin docs his best to keep up with him. 

What is a veteran slugger, one who played in seven all-star 
games and four world series, doing playing for Japan's Yomiuri 
Giants? Well, he's doing it for about $1,000,000 a year; but, as 
baseball fan David Halberstam tells us in The Education of Reggie 
Smith, being a living legend in the Land of the Rising Sun is not 
all a piece of rice cake. 

New York’s theater season is under way, and our smash picto- 
1 Babes of Broadway, shot by Contributing Photographer Arny 
Freytag, is going to lengthen the lines to the box office. Мес! some 
of the women who put the sizzle into 42nd Street and A Chorus 
Line and a guy who kicks up his high heels in La Cage aux Folles. 

With Halloween around the corner, Gahan Wilson’s macabre 
sense of things is especially appropriate. We are all familiar with 
his ghoulish cartoons, but we don't often get a chance to savor his 
disq prose. His story A Gift of the Gods (illustrated by Bh 
Drawson) is about а boy who discovers an animalskin in the park. 
He takes a to it; but, more important, the skin seems to 
take a liking to him. Doneld E. Westlake's A Good Story tells the tale 
of a drug smuggler high in the Andes who shoots off his mouth 
and pays through the nose for it. “The same thing happened to 
my aunt,” Westlake tells us. 

Elsewhere on this warm continent are wonders of an entirely 
different sort. Contributing Photographer Richard Fegley brings us 
two very spicy Brazilian film stars, Sonic Braga and Claudia 
Ohana. Latins make lovely movie lovers, as you'll sce. 

Аз we go into the stretch of this political year, Gerald Gardner 
provides us with Playboy's Scrapbook of Political Sex. Among those 
who think we can make fun of politics but not food is our thor- 
oughly modern West Coast Editor, Stephen Randall. [n Praise of 
Frozen Food is his moving apologia for the thrills and chills of the 
nto the toaster or squeeze from a pouch. 

This fall, there are clotheshorses of several colors to choose 
from. Hollis Wayne, our Fashion Editor, takes us on a tour of what 
will wow and wear well in the Playboy Cuide to Fashion. 

In case Third World debt is hanging heavily on your mind, 
Emanuel Greenberg urges us all to welcome the immigration of 
Mexico's most sensible export in Senorita Margarita! Encore!! 
M. A. Enriquez did the illustration 

New York is wonderful in the fall, especially w 
Apple takes а shine to you. Miss Octoher, Deborah Nicolle Johnson, 
has made the move to Gotham, and it appears that the natives 
d about our newest Playmate's brand of urb: 

"There's more, of course. You can save this mag: 
can turn the page. Or both 


аге exci 


PLAY BILL 


CARROLL 


WILSON 


GARDNER RANDALL. 


WAYNE 


ENRIQUEZ 


PLAYBOY 


IF YOUR VIDEO 
INVESTMENT IS SHOWING 


your picture could be suffering from dropouts, 
bleeding colors, and other annoying problems. 
Before you point the finger at your video deck, 
think about this! An inexpensive video cassette 
can turn your investment 
into a loss. 
That s the way the system 
works. Friction can cause 
oxide particles to shed, 
and drag parts of the pic- 
ture along with them. 
You're left with dropouts. 
Or bleeding colors caused 
by poor signal-to-noise 
ratio. Or even worse. 


THE SOLUTION 
IS SUPER AVILYN. 


For the first few plays, all 

quality video tapes usually 

perform well. Crisp images. 

Bright colors. A steady pic- 

ture. But after they're played time after time, the 

problems can start. That's when one 

video cassette really starts to show its worth. TDK. 
Its Super Avilyn high energy tape particles 

are densely packed and secured on the 

tape surface, which is polished mirror-smooth. 

The particles are there Lo stay. Your picture is 

there Го stay. Play after play. In any mode, 

especially the slower speeds. because ТОК 

video cassettes are designed to perform best 

under all conditions. 


AVAILABLE IN VHS & BETA FORMATS 


Surrounding the tape is TDK's super precision 
mechanism. It gives jam-proof performance and 
excellent tape-to-head contact. 

With all this going for us, it should come as no 


surprise that TDK knows video inside out. And it 
stands to reason Super Avilyn is always compat- 
ible with any VCR you can buy. 

TDK video cassettes are available in VHS and 
Beta formats, with a wide range of recording 
Limes and lengths, in two formulations: Standard 
Super Avilyn and Extra High Grade. 

Look at it this way. The future of your video 
investment really depends on the video tape. With 
TDK Super Avilyn, you'll see the dividends, again 
and again. 


SUPER 


АЛУМ 
1120 "Ml mies mar 


DEO СА5ЗЕТТЕ 
Vus 


DON’T JUST TAPE IT. 
ток п. 


©1984 TDK Electronics Corp. 


PLAYBOY. 


vol. 31, no. l0—october, 1984 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE 
PLAYBILL ense penses uro pit quo Ree qoe dede Ton 5 
THE WORLD OF PLAYBOY. .... E use sei АЛЫН vs cnet uiui n 
PLAYBOY EDITORIAL: THE INDECENT CRUSADE ................... ЕСТЕ | US) 
DEAR PLAYBOY. . 15 
PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS ..... 2 


ASA BABER 39 


MEN... r 

ШӨМЕН: iano SAEED sg rS pea eo a nah ERR CYNTHIA HEIMEL 43 
AGAINSTTHE WIND SESE Ce ID vend CRAIG VETTER 45 
SEX NEWS p afb нр ж + А „эе КЕ 49 
THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR ......... Ie eee eee ets oe 
DEAR PLAYMATES................ SR LEE aE € ا‎ 
THE PLAYBOY FORUM . ж < Қы жесек + — 57 
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: DAVID LETTERMAN —candid canversation . .. . . SE M 
WHEN REAL MEN MEET REAL WOMEN—article ..............E. JEAN CARROLL 82 
THE GIRLS FROM BRAZIL—pictorial .............. text by BRUCE WILLIAMSON 86 
A GIFT OF THE GODS-fiction .......................... .. GAHAN WILSON 94 
PLAYBOY'S SCRAPBOOK OF POLITICAL SEX—humor. GERALD GARDNER 96 
THE EDUCATION OF REGGIE SMITH—articl .. DAVID HALBERSTAM 100 
DEBORAH'S SONG—playbay’s playmate of the month. ...................... . 102 
PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES—humar . A 116 


SENORITA MARGARITA! ENCORE!—drink .......... ... . EMANUEL GREENBERG 118 
20 QUESTIONS: JACK 1А1АММЕ...................... Фока данасы қары КИР 
А GOOD STORY-—fiction . -. DONALD E. WESTLAKE 122 


STUCK ON MEMPHIS—modern living . TIT k Банка AN 
IN PRAISE OF FROZEN FOOD—orticle ...... ...... STEPHEN RANDALL 130 
BABES OF BROADWAY—pictoriol ................. text by BRUCE WILLIAMSON 132 


PLAYBOY ҒУММІЕ5--Һәтог................................ 
PLAYBOY GUIDE: FASHION .... 
BERNARD AND HUEY—satire. . 
PLAYBOY ON THE SCENE 


COVER STORY 

Like Miss April 1984, Lesa Ann Pedrianc—doubled over for our cover shot by 
Contributing Photographer Stephen Waydo— we've bent over as far аз we can 
to attract you to this month's ptavBoy. If you've a bent toward imaginative 
fiction, artful articles and revealing dishabille, lean forward and curl up with 
us. P.S.: If you can’t find the Rabbit Head, you've never been to a white sale. 


Broadway Bebies 


Present Danger 


Magic Johnson 


Tequila Surprises 


PLAYBOY 


Sansui’s all new intelligent 
Super Compo system with 
compact disc player. 

Its pure digital dynamite! Sansui 
15-110 intelligent Super Compo system 
is the ultimate in musical magnificence. 

Never has a HiFi system been more 
convenient io use and more appealing 
to the ear. 

а! made possible by ingenious 
microcomputer circuits that permit 
each separate component of a unit to 
operate interactively with each other. 
With Sansuis exclusive Compu-Select 
One-touch Simul-switching, you сап go 
from turntableto tape deck-to compact 
disc at the touch of a single button. 

And with exclusive Compu-Edit you 
can make perfect cassette recordings 
from your records. 

But whats magic to your fingers. 
without magic to your ears? Our easy-to- 
use compact digital disc player gives 
you a clarity of sound that brings music 
all the way to life. 
sasina Sipe Compo en. 

insui Intelligent Super: ро: 
with unmatched: sound. Or m 


*Dolbyis a registered trademark of Dolby Laboratories, Inc. 


Sansui's exclusive One-touch fea- 
ture lets you play, record and pro- 
gram music at the louch of a sturdy 
metal Compu-selector push tab. 


own from a fantastic selection of intelli- 
gently designed turntables—with the 
latest in P-mount cartridge mounting 
capabilities; tuners; integrated ampli- 
fiers; cassette decks—several with Dolby* 
"C" noise reduction; equalizers; and 
sensational sounding speakers. 
No matter what you choose, it will be 
the most intelligent choice you can 
make for pure sound quality and con- 
venience. So see your nearest Sansui 
dealer ү 
SANSUI ELECTRONICS CORPORATION 
 Lyndh р “a U oo P 90746 


` 
ARIA 
т, Ñ 


ií | 
1 


ictus Me faune iu Saad, 


PLAYBOY 


HUGH M. HEFNER 
editor and publisher 


NAT LEHRMAN associate publisher 


ARTHUR KRETCHMER edilorial director 
ТОМ STAEBLER art director 
DON GOLD managing editor 
GARY COLE photography director 
С. BARRY GOLSON executive editor 


EDITORIAL 
NONFICTION: JAMES MORGAN articles editor; won 
FLEDER senior editor; FICTION: ALICE К. TURNER 
editor; TERESA GROSCH associate editor; PLAYBOY 
GUIDES: Maury 2. Levy editor; WEST COAST: 
STEPHEN RANDALL. edilor: STAFF: WILLIAM | 
HELMER, GRETCHEN MCNEESE, PATRICIA PAPANGE 
Us (administration), DAVID STEVENS senior edi- 
lors; KOBERT E. CAKE, WALTER LOWE, JR. JAMES R. 
PETERSEN, JOHN REZEK senior staff writers; КЕМІ 
COOK, BARBARA NELLIS, KATE NOLAN, J F. 080 
NOK, SUSAN MARCOLIS- WINTER (пеш york) associate 
editors; DAVID NIMMONS, MONA PLUMER assist 
ant editors; MODERN LIVING: ED WALK FI 
ate editor; JIM BARKER assistant editor; FASHION: 
HOLLIS WAYNE editor; HOLLY BINDERUP assistant edi- 
for; CARTOONS: MICHELLE URRY editor; COPY: 
ARLENE BOURAS editor; JOYCE RUBIN asist 
ant editor; NANCY BANKS, CAROLYN BROWNE, 
ИСКЕ JOHNSON. MARCY MARCHI, BARI LYNN 
NASH, MARY ZION researchers; CONTRIBUTING 
EDITORS: ASA BABER. STEPHEN BIRNBAUM (travel), 
JOHS BLUMENTHAL, LAURI j, LAWRENCE 
= PETER ROSS 
RENSIN, RICHARD RHODES, JOHN SACK, 
SCHWARTZ. DAVID STANDISH, BRUCE WI 


TONY 
LAMSON (movies), GARY WITZENBURG 


ART 
кеме rore managing director; снет suski, Less 
IS senior directors: BRUCE HANSEN, THEO 
KOUVATSOS, SKIP WILLIAMSON associate directors; 
JOSEPH PACZEK assistant direclor; FRANK LINDNER, 
ANN SEIDL CRAIG SMITH art assislamis; SUSAN 
HOLMSTROM. traffic coordinator; BARBARA HOFF- 
MAN administrative manager 


PHOTOGRAPHY 

MANILYN GRABOWSKI west coast editor; JEFF COHEN 
KENNEY, JAMES LARSON JANIC 

х SULLIVAN associate editors; 
PATTY BEAUDET assistant editor; POMPEO POSAR Sen- 
ior staff photographer; DAVID MECEY, KERRY MORRIS 
мају Photographers; DAVID CHAN. RICHARD FEGLEY 
|, LARRY L. LOGAN, KEN 
MARCUS, STEPHEN WAYDA contributing phologra- 
hers; JANE FRIEDMAN, PATRICIA TOMLINSON stylists; 
JAMES WARD color lab supervisor; ROBERT CHELIS 
business manager 


PRODUCTION 
JONN MASTRO direclor; MAKIN мамо» manager; 


FLEANORE WAGNER JODY JURGETO, RICHARD 
QUARTAROLI assislants 
READER SERVICE 


CYNTHIA LACEY-SIKICH manager 


CIRCULATION 
RICHARD SMITH director; ALVIN WIENOLD subserip- 


поп manager 


ADVERTISING 
CHARLES м. STENTIFORD director 


ADMINISTRATIVE 
L р TIM DOLMAN assistant publisher; MARCIA 
TERRONES rights 5 permissions manager; ЕЙЕЕМ 
KENT contracts administrator 


PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES, INC. 
CHRISTIE HEFNER president 


Gotten а speeding 
ticket lately? 


Read this. 


This... 


Last year, more than 8 million* citations 
were issued for driving over 55 mph on US 
highways. 

f you were unfortunate enough to re- 
ceive one of these tickets, maybe it's time to 
protect yourself. With the Whistler® Spec- 
trum™ radar receiver. 


Gives you earliest possible 


warning of police radar. 
MAX RANGE TEST. When Direct 


Response, Inc 
started looking 
for a radar detec- 
tor to offer our 
customers, we 
went to the ex- 
perts first: car 

agazines. 

Their opinion 
was Nearly unani- 
“Шегі лк юв — mous. Motor 
Chr MENS trend, Auto- 
week, and BMW Roundel had all recently 
completed independent, comprehensive 
tests of all the leading radar detectors. And 
all had picked a winner: the Whistler Spec- 
trum. Motor Trend said “The Whistler 
Spectrum resides at the top of the list. A 
world-class radar detector!’ 

Whistler is also first choice of truckers 
and other professional drivers. Whistler 


WARNING DISTANCE M MILES 


OVER HILL TEST 


IFEFIFTETE) 


ALTER VOLUME 


shiVisor 


instead of these. 


Spectrum detects all kinds of speed radar. 
Stationary - moving - trigger - even pulsed 
radar. On the straightaway - from behind ~ 
over hills and around curves. If there's po- 
lice radar in the area, Spectrum lets you 
know. Long before radar can lock onto you. 


Spectrum cuts 
down on annoying 
false alarms. 
Unfortunately, the FCC 
authorizes some security 
systems and. traffic 
signals to also operate 
on police frequencies. 
And any sensitive radar 
detector will report these 
signals. 

That’s why Spectrum 
developed two features 
not available in any other radar detector: 
‘The Filter Mode™and Pollution Solution.™ 
Both features cut down on false alarms. 

For city driving (where microwave intru- 
sions are frequent) switch to the ег 
Mode. You'll get the same early warning - 
but it will be quieter, less urgent. When the 
microwave signal reaches a critical speed 
radar level, you'll see the amber warning 
light switch to a flashing red. And hear the 
soft tone gear up to a high-frequency, 
geiger-effect sound. 

Most other radar detectors give off 
false signals. Spectrum’s Pollution. 
Solution, built into each unit, can 
tell the difference between these 
signals and real police radar. 
Spectrum automatically screens the 
polluters out - you'll never even hear them. 


Filter Mode for 
city driving. 


Dash/Visor or Remote model. 
You have your choice of two top-line Spec- 
trum models - both reliable performers 


POWER SPEC TRUM 


The Spectrum Dash/ 
Visor model is portable 
and compact. It plugs 
into the cigarette lighter 
Socket, and mounts eas- 
ily on dash or visor. It's 
quickly removed for use 
in another car, or to prevent theft. 

The Spectrum Remote gives you the 
same great radar protection. But it's hidden 
from view. The weather-proof receiver in- 
stalls behind your car grille. And the small 
console fits handily in, on, or under the 
dash. You can install the Remote in about 30 
minutes. After that, you're in operation 
every time you turn on the ignition. 


Remote receiver hides 
ind car grille. 


No-risk trial. Free gift. | 
Order your Whistler Spectrum - Dash/ 
Visor or Remote - from Direct Response, 
Inc., for just $255 complete. 

Call toll-free, 1-800-824-2408. (In NH, 
603-886-1310.) Use your VISA, MasterCard, 
or American Express. 

Write to Direct Response, Inc., at 
472 Amherst St., Nashua, NH 03063. Send 
us your credit card account number, expira- 
tion date, and your signature. Or enclose a 
check or money order. (Allow an additional | 

| 15 days for personal checks.) | 

| Or visit Direct Response, Inc., in Nashua, | 
and pick up your Spectrum in 
person, | 

Satisfaction guaranteed. 

We tested it. Now you can 
test it yourself. Use your | 
Spectrum for 30 days. if not 
completely satisfied, return | 

for a full refund. | 

Free, Rand McNally Road Atlas & Travel 

Guide, with map light, if you ordernow. | 


Ask for Operator 32 


Remote console 


Louis, Me 


š 
z 
È 
% 


Чоп Сар. 


erm Comi 


THE WORLD OF PLAYBOY 


in which we offer an insider's look at what's doing and whos doing it 


ЗАРА» 


А COUPLE OF WOLF-WHISTLE STOPS 
WITH THE PLAYMATE OF THE YEAR 


When 1984 Playmate of the Yoar Barbara Ed- 
wards makes a whistle stop, the whistles never 
stop. Barbara was introduced to the press— 
and the press was duly impressed—at a May 
first cocktail party, hosted by Hef and attended 
by a bevy uf Playmates, al Playboy Mansion 
West (above). Another great Southern Califor- 
nia institution, USC’s Sigma Chi fratemity, made Barbara (right) an honorary 
Sweetheart of Sigma Chi (from the song of the same title). If that's Greek to you, 
suffice it to say that it's almost as sweet as being named Playmate of the Year. 


HAZZARDOUS DUTY FOR 
RHONDA AND DAINA 


Here's howto watch The Dukes of Haz- 
zard: Ignore the flying metal and look 
for Rhonda Shear (above)—disqualified 
as Louisiana's Miss Floral Trail queen 
for appearing (clothed!) in our Girls of 


the New South (April 1977)—and Miss 
January 1976, Daina House (below). 


THE ILLUSTRIOUS 
ODOM’S BEAUTIFUL DREAMER 


Unless your fingers have been sleep- 


ing through кїлүвох, you're fa- 
with Mel Odom's ethereal gifts. 
He's oneofour finest illustrators, and 
his new book—Dreamer—will be 
published by Penguin in November. 


OLDER VIKKI, YOUNGER LOVER 


When Phil Donahue tackled the issue 
of older women/younger men relation- 
ships, who better to turn to than Vikki La 
Motta and Peter Athas (below right), fea- 
tured in May's Hello, Young Lovers picto- 
rial? So whatdo you think, folks? We want 
to hear from you. Is it all an elaborate 
hoax, or is Vikki actually 53 years old? 


WHY DO YOU THINK 
THEY CALL THEM 
NERDS? 


In the current movie He- 
venge of the Nerds, Lisa 
Welch (below right, in a 
scene from the film, with 
Julie Montgomery, and 
at right, in her gatefold 
incarnation) plays а 
cheerleader. Now, most 
high schoolers consider 
cheerleaders members 
of a non-nerd elite. Does 
that mean the nerds 
don't like 1980’s Miss 
September? Good luck, 
nerds, but we're going 
to be rooting for Lisa. 


LIGHTS: 10 mg. 0.8 mg. nicotine, KING: 17 mg. 
— 13 mg. nicotine, av. per cigarette by ЕТС method, 


| 


S 4 Ene spirit; 


7 | oe 24771, a a 
м SHANE CHEE ГРЕЕ р 
o Ed | 


Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined 


That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health. 


es PLAYBOY EDITORIAL 


“Pressure groups such 
as the N.F.D. would 
like all American media 
to present a single, 
approved ideology." 


TUPELO, м 
given the world two media stars in 
Е was onc. The Reverend 
Donald Wildmon, a United Methodist 
minister who founded the National Fed- 
eration for Decency (N.F.D.), is the other. 
Beyond sharing a home town, watching a 
lot of TV and inspiring their fans to roll in 
the aisles, the two men never had much in 
common. Wildmon, for instance, can't 
stand sex, drugs or rock 'n' roll. The late 
king of rock 'n roll didn't like people to 
use the Lord's name in vain, which, in a 
way, is what Wildmon does. 
ht ycars ago, Wildmon, his wife and 
their four children settled down for a long 
winter's night of TV. The first show they 
tuned in was, in Wildmon’s words, “filled 
with sexual comments and skin scenes.” 
The next contained “earthy” languag 
The next was “violent” "Right then. 
Wildmon would write later, “T made up 
my mind to try to make TV suitable for 
family entertainment.” 

Shortly thereafter, he founded the 
N.F.D., to help man “be saved from his 
sins and live a godly life.” 


THE INDECENT 


CRUSADE 


The N.F.D. boasts about 20,000 mem- 
bers. Its first and best-known pra 
involved monitoring prime-time television 
for programing that might appeal 10 
"man's prurient nature.” Wildmon re- 
cruited teams of monitors from his flock. 
ach monitor spent one night a week tally- 
g televised incidents of violence, profan- 
and “skin.” As The Wall Street Journal 
ported at the time, “One monitor, a 
woman, cited the September 13 episode of 
Charlie's Angels for 23 ‘jiggly scene 
Another monitor, also a woman, didn 
note any such scenes. Mr. Wildmon says, 
“Га just use the higher estim 
bother with the other one.” 

Wildmon used the results to attack the 
sponsors of shows his monitors ranked 
high in violence, profanity and skin. From 
January 1982 through May 1983 alone, his 
organization condemned 116 с 
for adver V mov 


ие and not 


mpanies 
60 ғ, 39 T" 
io show and your favori 
flock to boy- 
cott all the products sold by those comp: 
ies, including Peter Pan peanut butte 
lI turkeys, and, alas, ever 
Presley record on the racks. 

The boycotts had little effect; it's hard to 
ruin RCA or a major magazine when you 
speak for less than one hundredth of one 
percent of the population. The companies 
оп Wildmon’s list motored through the re- 
cession and the boycotts into the 
Now that the first wave of N.F.D. acti 
has passed, though, this seems as sane 
time as any to respond to what Wildmon 
and his group represent 

The Reverend Wildmon represents 
20,000 people. The Reverend Coton 
Mather represented a smaller number 
when he led the cry for witch trials in 
Salem almest 300 years a but Mather 
was dangcrous—pcople were found guilty 
of witchcraft and condemned to death in 
Wildmon is merely 
companies are found guilty of prurience 
and condemned to boycott in Tupelo. Sull, 
pious bullies haven't se d to change 
much over time. 

Both Mather and Wildmon represent 
what might be called religious imperial- 
ism—a philosophy dedicated to imposing 
one’s religious beliefs on as many other 
people as possible. Since this isn’t the 17th 
Century, Wildmon isn’t a powerful threat 
10 those who hold different opinions, but 


is 


Salem 


the principles behind his organization 
nevertheless run counter to democratic 
leals. Wildmon didn't tell his constitu- 
ents how often his monitors caught Alan 
Alda saying “стар” in the fall of 1982. He 
simply told them M*A*S*H was the most 
"profanity-oriented" TV show of all. He 
told them not to watch M*A*S*H, He 
didn't tell them what to think about; 
he told them what to funk. 

The forgotten factor in this equation 
may be the advertisers, who at the 
moment are caught in the middle. 
Whether or not pressure groups have а 
right to force changes in the content of 
television programs and magazines, the 
Do they have a right to 
rs from doing their job? 

An advertiser's job is to reach a particu- 
lar segment of the population as efficiet 
as possible. If, for example, a shampoo 
manufacturer can reach more women aged 
18 to 34 by taking ош an ad during 
M*A*S*H than during Today іп Bible 
Prophecy, must that company decide 
whether ог not M*A*S*H is morally infe- 
rior to Today in Bible Prophecy? Or is that 
judgment best lefi to viewers, networks, 
critics and the courts? 

Was M*A*S*H unclean beca it con- 
ied profanity, or was its relatively real- 
istic depiction of war vital to its peaceful 
message? Whose criteria do we use? Right 
now, we use yours. You can watch the pro- 
gram or you can turn it off. 

Pressure groups such as the N.F.D. 
would like all American media to present a 
single, approved idcology. For an example 
of the kinds of media that leads to, we refer 
the N.F.D. to Pravda and Tass. 

The Reverend Wildmon, by claim 
divine justification for а serics of boycous 
that have achieved little but а modest 
celebrity for the Reverend Wildmon, has 
e close to the Lord's name in 
vain. Fellow an Elvis Presley wasn't 
speaking of Wildmon and rrAvsoy when he 
sang "You ain't never caught a. Rabbit 
nd you ain't no friend of minc." Не could 
have been. For all his posturing and con- 
demning, Wildmon has yet to prove he 
knous how a man should lead a godly lif 

Given the choice, we'd boycott the 
gious imperialists and buy up all the Elvis 
"cords. Fortunately, here in the land of 
the free, we have that choice. 


13 


"Тре quality of Smirnoff 
is classical. 


Its value merits 
a standing ovation: 


PLAYBOY 


PINCHAS ZUKERMAN, 
world-renowned violinist. 


“When I play, I strive for 
the highest quality in my performance. 


“I look for the same standards in my vodka. I know 
that Smirnoff^vodka is distilled from the finest grain, 
and then checked 47 times for quality and smoothness. In short, it offers a 


virtuoso performance. You may pay a little more, but 
mirnoff 


you'll find Smirnoff is worth more. 
“When it comes to vodka, Smirnoff LENE YO зе бый 
plays second fiddle to none.” There's vodka, and then there's Smirnoff. 


M REMEMBER SPECIAL OCCASIONS BY SENDING A GIFT OF SMIRNOFF ANYWHERE IN THE CONTINENTAL U S. CALL TOLL FREE. 1-800:528 6:48. 


DEAR PLAYBOY 


ADDRESS DEAR PLAYBOY 
PLAYBOY BUILDING 
919 N. MICHIGAN AVE. 
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611 


BO'S ART 
Thank you for Brava, Bo! (PLAYBOY, 

July)—not only an enticing pictorial but 
an enjoyable interview аз well. John 
Derek’s answer to the criticism regarding 
the lack of a plot in his new film (it tells a 
story with a “fucking beginning, middle 
and end”) strikes an agreeable chord in 
me. I, for one, look forward to seeing the 
Dereks’ film. 

Paul Nunes 

New Bedford, Massachusetts 


a little amusing to read about John 
Derek's distaste for being left standing 
stark-naked at the end of an adventure, 
taking the money and then being (oo 
ashamed to walk the effing streets. Doesn't 
hc scc that Wats exactly what Bo is facing 
after the movie's release? John speaks of 
integrity. While they're cashing in their 
profits, will John say to Bo, “Well, Г still 
have my integrity. How about you?” 
Danielle LeVeque 
Newport Beach, California 


STIR CRAZY 

Reggie Jackson may be Mr. October, 
but he’s sure not Mr. Memory. In the 
June ptaymov (My Life in Pinstripes), 
Reggie and Mike Lupica say a number of 
things about me: First, Reggie says 1 told 
him | wanted to write a "nice, upbeat 
piece" on him. Sorry, pal, I don’t use flack 
words like upbeat. He did ask me what 
kind of piece I wanted to do, and 1 told 
him what I tell anybody who asks. I said, 
"Pm here to set the record straight.” If he 
took that to mean it was going to be 
upbeat, that’s his problem. 

Second, Mr. October stirs the drink 
some more by saying that | persisted in 
hassling him for several days to get an 
interview until he “actually began to feel 
sorry" lor me. The way I remember it, the 
second after I said I was there to set the rec- 
ord straight, he agreed to do the interview. 

Reggie also savs | sensationalized his 


quote about Thurman Munson. His ver- 


sion of what Ве said 
the kind of personality that can jump into 
a drink like that and stir things up and get 
it all going." Self-eflacing, good-natured 
Reg! A Gandhi kind of guy, Reggic—only 
thinking of the team. Í heard him sav, 
“You know, this team it all flows from 
me. Im the straw that stirs the drink. It all 
comes back to me. Maybe I should say me 
and Munson, but really he doesn’t enter 
into it. Нез being so damned insecure 
about the whole thing. I've overheard him 
talking about me. Munson thinks he can 
stir the drink, but he can only stir it bad.” 

In the summer and fall of 1977, in inter- 
views with Roger Kahn and Pete Axthelm 
in Time and Newsweek, Reggie never 
denied that quote. He did tell Kahn, 
“Whatever I s was off the record." I 
found that particularly amusing, because I 
had given him a chance to get the monkey 
off his back at the bar. In the middle of his 
windy pronouncements, | had stopped 
him and said, "Hey, this is heavy stuff 
you're saying, man. You sure you want it 
published?" He beat his big fist on the 
table and said, "Print it! 1 want to see it in 


Maybe Гус got 


VARIATIONS ON 
A THEME 


After rehearsal, in а tall glass 
filled with ice, pour 11/2 oz. 
Smirnoff. Fill with equal parts 
of cranberry and orange juice. 
Garnish with orange slice. 


At the backstage party, combine 

4 cups Smirnoff Vodka, one 1607 
can crushed pineapple with syrup, 
one 1102. can mandarin oranges, 
one 6oz.can frozen pineapple 
juice, pour over block of ice in 
punch bowl. Just before serving, 
add 2 qts. gingerale. Stir gently. 
Serves 30. 


print” 

Let me ask PLavBoy’s readers one thing: 
1f you had been Reggie Jackson in 1977 
and a reporter had treated you as unfairly 
as Reggie now—seven years later—says 1 
did, wouldn't you have called a press con- 
ference right then and there, denying 
everything? I know if 1 were innocent, 1 
would have made my statement then! 

Robert Ward 
Washington, D.C. 


THE WAR LORD 

L have always considered Walid J 
blatt one of the most colorful figures in 
today's world. In reading July's Playboy 
Interview with him, I found that his unique 
sense of humor and honesty 


While savoring the reviews, in 
а chilled stem glass, add 3 oz. 
Champagne, 3 oz. orange juice 
and a splash (1/2 oz.) of Smirnoff 
Vodka. Gently stir the 

chilled ingredients - 
and garnish with a = 
strawberry: 


There's vodka, 
and then there’s Smirnoff? 


SMIRNOFF? VODKA RO & 100 PROOF OISTILLED FROM GRAIN 


(©1964 STE. PERAE SMIRNOFF FLS (DMISION OF HEUBLEIN.ING) — qe 


RTFORD, СТ — "MADE IN 


PLAYBOY 


confirmed my feelings about him. A great 
Interview that sheds some light on the con- 
flict in Lebanon today. 


iam Jesse 
Point Claire, Quebec 


Thanks for publishing July's Playboy 
Interview with Jumblatt. Now Г know who 
he is and what the Druse are. Prior to your 
Interview, 1 hadn't known anything about 
them. I think that’s partly the fault of tele- 
vision news, which scems to assume that 1 
have always known all about the Druse 
and their leader. TV news can learn a lot 
from your magazine. 

Thomas James 
Lebanon, Illinois 


LETTER OF THE MONTH 
Gee, Walid Jumblatt, 
Druish! 


you don't look 


Jerry Axelrod 
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania 


MONEY MATTERS 
Га like to congratulate Andrew Tobias 

on Money 101: Terms of Enrichment 
(raveoy, July). As a senior at Tulane Uni- 
versity, majoring in economics, I was quite 
impressed. If a novice investor were to 
study this article forward and backward, 
not only would he hold his own at a cock- 
il party (which is important), he would 
also be able to show a broker he means 
business—and that’s very important. 
Keep up the good work. 

David Gray 

New Orleans, Louisiana 


If Tobias’ Money 101: Terms of Enrich- 
ment became required reading in the third 
grade of every elementary school in Amer- 
ica, we could expect a stable economy by 
the turn of the century. If it had been 
required reading 20 years ago, I'd be rich. 
Jay H. Lehr 
Worthington, Ohio 


OCCUPYIN' THE SKY 

x ipis is good at the old magi- 
of warning you to watch one 
closely, so that he can fool you 
with the other hand. For example, he savs 
in his essay in the June PLavBoy (Viewpoint: 
Why Reagan's “Star Wars" Plan Won't 
Work) that an isti systems 
were impractical in the Sixties. So they 
were. He says that “it has never been 
either technically or economically possible 
to build . . . an ABM system.” Still right. 
Then he adds that this “is still true 
today.” Well, maybe. But we're talking 
about a system that is being researched 
today and will be built in the future. See 
the sleight of hand? He allows you to con 
vince yourself that it will be impossible to 
build an ABM system in the future, with- 
ош ever saying as much. Next, he quotes 
the Scowcroft commission’s suggestion 
that no АВМ system should proceed 
“beyond the stage of technology develop- 
ment.” Which is exactly what Reagan’s 
Strategic Defense Initiative (ie, Star 


Wars) is set up to do. Nobody’s claiming 
we ought to start launching ABM satellites 
this afternoon. Years of research and tech- 
nology development come first; then we 
will decide if the gadgetry works well 
enough to put it to use. By the end of the 
piece, Tsipis has stopped voicing doubts 
about the technology and states flatly that 
it won't work at all. Clever. As Joc Fa- 
looka used to say, “Tch”? In the mid- 
„ we had to racc hard to match the 
lead in intercontinental ballistic 


missiles. Today we live under the thre 
those 


таит т 
їп а few years, we see 
ns bild g the very defenses 
that Tsipis and his ilk claim are impossi- 
ble? 1 think that a magazine of pavBov’s 
influence owes its readers a more balanced 
al issue than Tsipis gives. 
'es—and the lives of our 
children—depend on the decisions we 
make here. 


Ben Bova 
West Hartford, Connecticut 

Tyipis replies: 

Mr. Bova's accusation of intellectual pres- 
tidigitation reveals his ignorance of the tech- 
nical obstacles to a perfect defense 
system—the only one that would spare the 
country nuclear devastation. Defense against. 
ICBMs was, is and will remain unable to 
protect our population and industry against 
nuclear weapons, because to do so, it would 
have to be 100 percent reliable. That is physi- 
cally impossible. 

In the real world of science and technolo- 
y, we do not conduct research—especially 
research that costs tens of billions of dollars— 
when we already know the answer. Such 
research is at best foolish and at worst self- 
serving. 


FAULTY WIRING 
Regarding Bob Woodward's Wired 
(релувох, July), it's a shame that the tragic 
conclusion that seems so obvious in retro- 
spect went unrecognized by the people 
who were part of the story. Was it a case of 
the snow-blind leading the snow-blind? 
Bill LeBouvier 
Huntington Beach, California 


John Belushi dug his own grave, Cha 
ing Cathy Smith with murder is just 
another example of the judicial stupidity 
that is prevalent these days. Belushi was 
dead before he met her—he just hadn't 
quit breathing yet. 

Carl Brewer 
Starkville, Mississippi 


LADIES AND GENTS 

Regarding Asa "Men" Baber and 
Cynthia “Women” Heimel: Since each is 
clearly an expert on the opposite sex, how 
about a contest to see who can pick up the 
most members of the other sex in one night 
in a favorite singles bar? Each contestant 
shall be armed only with his or her best- 
selling line; each shall be conservatively 
dressed and cach dead sober. The winner 


gets one year's free treatment by the psy- 
chiatrist of his or her choice. 

"Tom Ward 
ago, Illinois 


THANKS, YOUR HONOR 
Thank you for the Playboy Interview 
with the Reverend Jesse Jackson (June). 1 
found it extremely interesting and very 
informative. 
Mavor Harold Washington 
Chicago, Illinois 


THIN LIZZIE 
1f Miss July, Liz Stewart, ever teaches 
an attitude-improvement course, I will be 
her first pupil! There is so much to be 
learned from the lady: confidence, inde- 
pendence, motivation, beauty. I wish I 
could arrange seven or eight sessions of 20 
Questions with Miss Stewart, but Í doubt 
that I could learn enough even then. 
PLAYBOV, you have found the perfect 
woman for the Eighties. Please keep me up 
to date on the next Playmate of the Year 
and the first Playmate of the Decade. 
Mike Lancaster 
Chattanooga, Tennessee 


Liz Stewart is your greatest discovery in 
recent years—maybe ever! 
Pat Clerkin 
Columbus, Indiana 


SAILING, SAILING 
With this letter, I send you a picture in 
which you can sce the most beautiful 
Windsurfer sail you will ever find. The 
black Rabbit Head makes it exquisite! 1 
had this sail made by РометВех Sails in 
Holland for my very exclusive wooden 
windsurf speedboard. This sail is unique! 
H. A. Flederus 
De Bildt, Netherlands 
As any longtime reader will tell you, H.A., 
we've always been partial to the nether 
regions. Thats why we're making you our 


official Windswfin Wild Man for 1984, 
International Division. Sail on. 


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SPECIAL DELIVERY 

Dr. George Thorngate, writing in the 
Journal of the American Medical Associa- 
lion, reminisced about difficult pregn 
cies he had seen to term. One in particular 
stuck ош. А. 
China, Dr. 
a Caesarean section for one patient. The 


a medical missionary in 
'horngate had recommended 


expectant mother's family objected to the 

procedure, took the woman home and 

hell her 

arms, another her fect, and the trio shook 

her violently until the baby ca 
. 

We don’t even care what the story is 
about; we just like the headline in the San 
Francisco Examiner: "WILLION DOLLAR BONER 
GAVE ELWAY A START. 


“chunged” her: Two wore 


е out 


. 

Perfect California story number 356: 
San Jose-area Democratic assemblyman 
John Vasconcellos introduced a bill in the 
California legislature that would establish 
а commission on self-esteem, consisting of 
22 members and funded at $750,000 а 
year. "It may sound like High California,” 
said Vasconcellos. “Increased self-esteem 
tends to make people become more 
achievement oriented, confident, creative, 
productive and successful.” According to 
the bill, low self-esteem is responsible for, 
among other things, “the dramatically 
increased rate of teenage pregnancies.” 
Watch this space for developments. 

. 

Now we're sorry we can't go. We 
noticed an ad in Variety for the “14th 
International Horror & Science Fiction 
Film Festival” in Paris this November. 
What caught our eye was that the event is 
being presented by Alain Schlockoff. 

. 

A friend showed из a Pierre Cardin sales 
tag that identified the garment as being 55 
percent cotton and 45 percent “pory- 


ester.” When we saw that the item was 
made in Taiwan, we concluded that it was 
a form of synthetic fiber peculiar to the 
Far East 


. 

The card read: ЕХЕМА SERVICE BY QUALI- 
FIED NURSES IN PRIVATE ROOMS. It went on to 
say that the service was available in The 
КаМег Hotel. of. Roch 
The note that accompanied the card г 


ster, Minnesota. 


за 
“Obviously, this is one hotel where they 


don't have to about the guests’ 


stealing the towels.” 


LOVE IN THE FAST LANE 


The Hillsborough County, Florida, 
Child Enforcement Division recently won 


а decision for a woman in a paternity suit 
The father's lawyer dutifully followed up 
sending a list of questions to the division 
Because of a clerical foul-up, the list he 
sent pertained to a traffic accident 

The mix-up didn't slip by without а 


worker in the division's deciding to have 
some fun. He answered the lawyer: “I seri- 
ously doubt that you want the complain- 
ing witness in a paternity action to 
‘describe the point of impact, giving the 
distances in feet from the curb line or the 
speed in mph at the instant of impact.” 
“Although your questions regarding 
whether or not she ‘applied the brakes” 
and for how long may be relevant, 1 feel in 
the best interest of judicial decorum they 
might be rephrased.” 
. 
Luckily, we didn't need a lili 
north from 


Driving 
chicago on 1-94, we sported а 
-drive vehicle with HERNIA EREC 
пох COMPANY inscribed on the tail gate. 
Perhaps it’s the latest in a pickup truss? 

. 

Thc Rocky Ford, Daily 
Gazette ran an ad for Anthony's Casino. It 
read, 
Quick. Anthony's come-carly special, no 


four-whet 


Colorado, 
"Dance to the music of Mighty 


cover cha 


one dollar each." 


¢, plus beer and sloc screws 


. 

Can I Get a Witness Department: Sister 
Estelle Gomarin, a 55-year-old nun from 
Saints Peter Саво 
convent in Miami, has no intention of giv- 
ing up the prize she won at a fund- 
dinner 


and Paul Roman 


sing 
a romantic vacation for two in 


Aruba, She's taking another nun along for 


“I plan to do lots of 


company and says 


swimming. IF I h 


© enough pocket mon 
су. ГИ go to the casino: 


YAWN ORDER 


In the opinion of Judge Arthur Mere- 
dith of New Jersey, it is not better to let 
sleeping cops lie. Franklin Township 
patrolman Robert Lenart appealed a four- 
month suspension he'd received for sleep- 
ing in his parked patrol car while assigned 
to observe traffic. Lenart claimed that he 


21 


In case you haven't been keeping up with your alumni publication or are too young to 
have had the pleasure of emerging from an advanced academic institution, here b a typ- 
ical batch of alumni notes. These are from the class of 74 at venerated Musk University. 


Suzie Forward—Hey, everybody, 
Гуе settled down now and got hitched, 
so. please, no more cracks about how 
“friendly” I used to be. My husband, 
Ray Z. Dorp, is a professional wrestler, 
the beloved Disembowcler. We met in 
the most romantic way—I was spend- 
ing the night at the arena, and before 1 
new it, I had climbed through the 
ropes and made a passionate rush at his 
spandex trunks. The rest is just a tran- 
scendent blur; and, contrary to what 
one gossip columnist wrote, I did not 
know the event was being televised. 

“Micro” Michaelson—Fellas, I want 
you all to know that since those fun- 
filled days in Crutchinson Gym— 
now, those silly days with the high- 
jinks and the impromptu anatomy 
lessons—that, well. it's grown a lot. 

Pete Binn—I've been in the capital 
since being named the new head of 
the Agriculture Department's. Goat 
Implant Program. Before my promo- 
tion, I held an obscure Government 
job. 

John Zowoon— 1n school, I was not. 
Today, I am. I am One. That is my 
name and the nameof my organization. 
Т am the sole member, but that is 
enough, for we are all One. Everything 
is One. This is the paradox. So come 
join me. And stay the hell away 

Steve Rush—Ah, remember those 
great days when I set up all the mixers? 
Well, that experience has sure helped 
me as director of operations for Grand 
Central Hospital, a for-profit institu- 
tion. Coordination is the key. You can’t 
let these patients linger in surgery; and 
if an operation is running overtime, ГИ 
just tell the surgeon to sew "im up and 
wheel out. No slackers here, and 
my soon-to-be-released book, The One- 
Minule Surgeon, explains how. Our 
hospital now has the highest Р.Р.О, 
(profit per organ) rate in the U.S. 

Dale Ewing—My law firm is doing 
well, and I just had the good fortune to 
have an article published in the Sioux 
Falls Law Journal titled “Delay ‘Tactics 
ILI: Losing the Evidence." 

C. J. Peckinpah— Vm assistant direc- 
tor of corporate communications for 
IBM—just 146,000 heartbeats away 
from the presidency, as I like to think of 


it. When a reporter calls, Pm the one 
who rushes to the line and personally 
hangs up the phone. (By the way—just 
between us—l'm sick of Charlie 
Chaplin.) 

Lance Mucilage—1 run a successful 
boutique, Stormy Leather. 

Danny Dennison—Vye just been 
amed a partner in the salvage busi- 
ness started by my father and his broth- 
er, and the firm has been renamed to 
reflect my advancement. И is now 
known as Dennison, Dennison & Dork. 
Гус also given a Madison Avenue face 
lift to our slogan and made it speak more 
to our times and our customers. Our 
new motto: “Selling garbage fo garbage.” 

Jack Simpster—My job at Mobil is 
going well, and I recently made а major 
festyle decision. I purchased a brown- 
stone in a marginal New York area, 
determined 10 restore the building to 
its former glory. So far, my minority 
neighbors have been extremely friend- 
ly. ‘They gather by my bedroom win- 
dow to educate me about their music. 
‘These three-a.M. tutorial sessions help 
me get a head start on the day. 

Bernie Bluesdale—1 am а Philadcl- 
phia building inspector, and 1 am 
pleased to report that in the past 
month, I was blessed by thearrivalof my 
second daughter and fourth acquittal 

Danny Ringer—I am an accountant 
and lead singer with thc rock group 
Danny and the Deductions. We re- 
cently performed at New York's Bot- 
tom Line, and one reviewer called 
the show “terrifyingly believable.” An 
other praised our act with the words 
“less sleazy than you would expect.” 

Ollie Logan—Amtrak has just made 
me a vice-president and transferred me 
to Djakarta, Indonesia, where Tam to 
conduct а feasibility study for a pro- 
posed rail link between this beautiful 
ity and Boston. Some of you may be 
amused by this, but we at Amtrak take 
the fast track very seriously. 

Jan Voodoonth-—Hey, folks, 
broker with Merrill 1) 
not going to hand you any bullshit. m 
doing all right, blah, blah, blah. 1 hope 
everyone's happy, blah, blah, blah, So: 
Why not send me all your money? 
ANDREW FEINBERG 


he had 
hypnosis.” Judge 
Meredith found that “interesting but spec- 


had not been snoozin been 


entranced by “highw 


ulative” and upheld the suspension. 
. 

Nest candidate, please. If you want to 

be а cop in Aviles 


, Spain, there's no use 


extremely 


ugly, 

lovenly or dirty in the extreme,” tooth- 

less, have hearing problems or have 

phied testicles or [are] without them." 
. 


applying if you are 


airo- 


A prison in Pompano Beach, Florida, is 
n institution where justice—at least the 
poetic variety—prevails. One of the 
inmates, serving a sentence for armed rob- 
tly relieved of his stereo, 
radio and TV by a gunman who broke 
imo the prison dormitory. What those 
folks need is a good alarm syste 


bery, wa 


JOINT VENTURE 


"Wrap your joint in cool blue” suggests 
a recent catalog from the Yak Works, an 
vutdoor-equipment supplier in Seattle 
The joint wrap “stays where you place it 
to work on swelling immediately!” More 
important, there's “no dripping, no slip- 
ping." And, for masters, there's another 
item in the first-aid section of the catalog, 
the “Advanced Joint Wrap.” 
. 

w a РА. dispatch from 
nio, It may soon be legal in Cali- 
a to spit in public or seduce a virgin 
` Presumably, 
only the spitting may be done in public 


According 
Sacram 
forni 
with a promise of marriag 


PIG IN A POKE 


1 tried to market two 
video films: Miss Piggy Goes Porno and The 
Sex Life of Miss Piggy. Jim Henson, creator 
of the pulchritudinous porker, sought and 
received an inju st the firm, 
Gabriel Richard, in a Quebec court. Per- 
haps Henson thought the films would be 
boaring. 


BREACH OF CONTACT 


When a woman АТ Hamburg had been 
dating stopped making payments on the 
car he'd sold her, the ‘Torrington, Wyo- 
ming, resident took h The chart 
he'd given her, on which payments were 
marked by gold stars, clearly showed that 
she'd paid only 66 percent of the price 
But, according to Hamburg, Justice of the 
Peace Gerald Murray “got all excited and 
started calling me names,” then threw out 
Hamburg's lawsuit. Tt seems the agreed- 
upon currency wa ıl favors, but 
alter posting 33 "love stars” the woman 
"got tired." Although the J.P. rather vehe: 
mently pointed out that in Wyoming it's 
illegal to barter property for sex, На 
burg plans ( appeal; he says the woman 
sill has the car, which he noted- 
ungallantly, we think—was worth $500. 


о cour 


50 sex 


© Philip Morris Inc. 1984 


X 


Marlboro. 


» Line Rider Jacket., 


In spring and fall} 
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MheMarlbord tine Rider Jacket is made 
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Mailto: Marlboro Line Rider Jacket 
РО. Box 41757, Chicago, 


Please send (| — ) Mariboro Line Rider Jacket(s) at $70 each. Enclosed are two 
end labels from any pack or box of Marlboro. along with check or money order 
(no cash, please) payable to: Marlboro Line Rider Jacket. 


Sizes (circle) Small (34-36) Medium (38-40) Large (42-44) X-Large (46-48) 
Total Amount Enclosed 


Nene en EE ee 


-Address. 


\+ nn, 
State г 


Offer available only to persons 21 years of age or older. Offer good in USA only. 
except where prohibited, licensed or taxed Offer good until Dec 31, 1984. orwhie 
supplies last. Please allow 8-10 weeks for delivery. 


Сш out and save. Our am is to make sure youre completely satisfied 
with your order, and that you receive И on time. But sometimes things go wrong. 
M they do, let us know. Write: Marlboro Line Rider Jacket. 120 Park Avenue, 
New York, New York 10017. 


Lights Kings: 11 mg "'tar;' 0.7 mg nicotine— Kings & 100's: 


| 17 mg "tar; 1.1mg nicotine av. per cigarette, ЕТС Report Mar. B4 


Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined 
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health. 


the eve of his 73th birthday. Jan- 
1, 1907, Harold "Kim" Philby 
receives a hand-delivered note fiom the 
general secretary of the С ist Party 
What, exactly. had Comrade Philby 
meant, the note inquires, by his recent 
comment that “the political stability of 
Great Britain is « 
here in Moscow . . . never more so th 
the present. time”? And what, exactly, 
ould be done? In the opening round of 
Frederick Forsyth's. latest intrigue, The 
Fourth Protocol ( Viking). Philby advocates a 
big-bang finale to the Cold War. The Brit- 
ish Labor Party has been infiltrated by 
ultralefiisis, he tells his leader, and the 
country is unsettled by the antinukes, One 
piddling nuclear “accident 
American military compound, 1 
could put Labor over the top in th 
The pla 

un 


(near an 
teh) 
1988 


tary elections. 


drawn and the groundwork beg 


then Margaret Thatcher bumps the elec- 
tions to June 1987. A dozen miscues and 
calibrations later serve to prove that 


Forsyth (The Day of the Jackal, The Dogs of 
War) remains the master of prodigious 
deta 


. 
Ir was Jagger and Richards who said, 
“You can t always get what vou want, but 


if you try sometime . . | you get what you 
Author Stanley Booth now piu- 
les all you'll ever need to know abe 


in Dance with the Devil 
hi. 


ton 
se). It's not a pretty si 

with the gli 
d away. Booth: weaves in all th 
id terror. You sit right beside him 
Altamont, watching a mur- 
е never bought a book about 
roll, по matter—this is the one 
been waiting for 

. 
minute; 


(Rande 


de of a rock tou 


hin Madden, for 
st bad 
Oakland (now Los Angeles) 
star of beer commercials. and 
Sports commentator, wrote а book 
and it is called—no kidding—Hey, Wait a 
Minute (1 Wrote a Book!) (Villard). Dave 
Anderso but Madde 
c side comes through clearly as he 
reers. Tageth- 
ge to give us a tremen- 
dous number of anecdotes from on and off 
the football field, all told in Madden's 
warm, breezy style 


Hey, wait 


mer head coach of those West C 
boys 


the 


helped hi 


И three c: 


Bruce Jay F a's pre- 
mier wise guy. His new collecti 
Hear It for a Beautiful Guy ond Other Works of 
Short Fiction (Donald 1. Fine), includes 
hilarious stories that lash out at celebrity 
psychiatry, automotive salesmanship and 
IRS. His method, of course, is soft iro- 
typed with a lead hand. He, like all 
| lonely guys, doesn't want to get 


Forsyth's big-bang finale. 


Intrigue from Forsyth and 
Mailer, the computer book 
and The Rolling Stones unmasked. 


caught with some poignancy running 
down the front of his shirt. And u 
quite a sp 


а of v 


he Our favorites а: 
“Our Lady of the Lockers” a title 
piece, which will n 


right d 
s in top form. 
. 

1 апу moment, 100,000,000 tons of oil 
are at sca, most of them threading half a 
dozen relatively narrow sea lanes," writes 
odfrey Hodgson т Lloyd's of London 
(Viking), Most of the tankers that carry 


unhappy 
Friedma 


that oil are insured by Lloyd's, but if you 
think th; 


Lloyd's business is restricted to 
ships at sea, read (his book 
ates, scuttled ships. unethical bus 
intern 
ite detail 


computer 
II here in exqu 
. 


capers, 


trigue: Is 


Figuring out which personal comp 
least, di 

enough. Then the book-publishing bu 
ness showed that it knew how to overdo a 
good thing when it saw one and published 
а few thousand computer books. Now it's 


to buy—e xil over—was h 


impossible simply to figure out which 
computer book to buy. Nol to worry: 
Pantheo! Book Bytes, Chris 


Popenoe’s g 
books. № 


при 
anderin- 


overstimulated, 
formed technodarlings that we аге—аге 
glad to have it. Popenoe gives а bı 
ad opinion on, guides to h 
and 


"view. 0 


He 
summarizes strengths and weaknesses and 


ware, soliwar 


programming. 


describes enough of each book to 
know te what it might take you 
an hour to find out alter you got it home 
In a world where learn i 
that’s nice, Even nicer is the price, Every 
time you tum around in а computer sto 
it seems you're writing a fat check. Not 
this ime. This book is $9.95. Is a genu- 
inc user-friendly deal 

. 

When we left Fast Eddie Felson in Th 
Hustler, he had just skinned Minnesot 
"s best pool m 
But that was 20 ye Wa 
Tevis’ The Color of Money (Warne 
Eddie's a graying pool-hall proprietor w 
nothing to recommend him but his р 
Nobody even plays his game anymore 
Straight pools a dying art. All the kids, 
even the great ones, play nine ball. So 
Eddie's behind the eight ball. Still. with 
the inspiration of Fats and a tony divorcee 
named Arabella, he sets out on the come 
back wail. Tevis is no stylist, but he's o 
of our best and most versatile storytellers, 
and while this sequel has its shorteomi 
fans of The Hustler will applaud the come 
back of Fast Eddie. 


^t you 


nam 


Fats in American fiction 


s ago. Now, i 


In Tough Guys Don't Dance (R: 
House), aging mal vivant Tim Madden 
digs out the woth about a murder he may 
have committed. Checking up on his m 
juana stash, which is bu 
wet woods outside Prov 


icetown, he finds 


the head of a woman who may be his wife 
Or is it the head of his lover of the night 
before? He has a weakness for beautiful 


blonde bitches, after all, and years of 
booze, cocaii ind THC have si 
holes in his memory. As Madden's ama- 


teur sleuthi tu ore and more 


up 
evidence—and опе more severed head — 


we follow him into a whirlwind of sex, 


bloody murder, in 
of the 


пісае plots and echoes 
What 


supernatural does 


br 
au 
wild, preposterou: 


ughe us a thrille: 
hor's two-fisted Muse, Tough Guys is а 
ballsy success. 


BOOK BAG 
The Computer Dictionary (Wallaby), by 
Mort Gerberg: 1. A funny, savvy lexicon 
for the silicon set. 2. A gilt for any hacker 
to whom you have access. 
Composing Music A New Approach 
(Prentice-Hall), by William Russo, with 


Дей is and David Stevenson: You 
don’t have to be another McCartney or 
Mozart. to string some melodious pearls 


ide tells you how, 
even if you haven't taken a piano lesson in 


This easy-to-follow gi 


Missile Envy: The Arms Race & Nuclear War 
(Morrow), by Dr. Helen Caldicot: Every- 
thing you need to know to hate militarists, 
ad what to do to oppose them, by the elo- 
quent and carin an pediatrician. 


INTRODUCING 
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West Coast/415-775-3721 


MASERATI IMPORT COMPANY 1983 


Gear up for an active life with Playboy products 


A. HOODED JOGGING SUIT. 
‘Sweatshirt is oxford gray with royal 
blue stripes, hood lining and front 
warmer pockets. Matching sweatpants 
with elasticized ankles and drawstring 
waist. 50% poly/38% cotton/12% rayon. 
Sizes: S-M-L-XL. 

DM128 (Sweatshirt) $24.00 ($2.50 postage) 
DM130 (Sweatpants) $14.50 ($1.50 postage) 


B. PURPLE SWEATSHIRT. 

Features white Rabbit Head in a blend 
of 5096 cotton/5096 poly. 

Sizes: S-M-L-XL. 

DM119 $15.00 ($1.50 postage) 


C. WHITE SWEATPANTS. 

Features elasticized ankles and draw- 
string waist in 5096 cotton/5096 poly. 
Sizes; S-M-L. 

DM102 $1400 ($1.50 postage) 

D. LIFELINE СУМ. 

Combines fitness and convenience. 
Based on the principle of dynamic 
variable resistance, the heart of the 
system is a resistance cable that 
becomes stronger as you stretch. 
Jogging belt (included) transforms the 
gym into a treadmill for shaping and 
toning legs, thighs, buttocks and mid- 


section, while providing aerobic con- 
ditioning. Carrying bag and illustrated 
manual included. 

DMO0350 $39.95 ($3.50 postage) 


To order, indicate item name, number and, 

when appropriate, sizes. Enclose check or 
money order for items and postage and send to 
Playboy Products, P.O. Box 1554-М, Elk Grove 
Village, IL 60007. To charge to Viss, MasterCard 
ог American Express, list all numbers on your 
card and include your signature. For credit card 
Orders by phone, call 1-500-226-5200 toll-free. 
Illinois residents, add 7% sales tax Canadian 
residents, add $3.00; full payment must be in 
US. currency on a U.S. bank. Sorry, no other 
foreign orders accepted. 


We can only say that it's a miracle that good о! boys Moe Bandy and Joe Stampley have 
taken to women's wear to promote their Boy George spoof, Where's the Dress? But they're not 
the only ones in Mom's closet. Rhino Records has released The Kosher Club, a four-cut compi- 
lation featuring Oy George (inset). Some people just can't wait for Halloween to trick or treat. 


NTERNATIONAL DATE LINE: Last 

winter, | was in India, listening to the 
Vienna Art Orchestra, led by Swiss com- 
poser Matthias Ruegg, in his arrangement 
of Blue Day, a blues by His Majesty, the 
king of Thailand, Bhumibol Adulyadej. 
That was a typical offering at JezzYatra 
1984, the festival held biennially in 
Bombay (this year, simultaneously іп 
Delhi) since 1978 that seems to answer the 
modern jazz fan's eternal question: How 
international can you get? JazzYatra may 
be the most eclectic music festival in the 
world. Vienna Art's sct also included cre- 
ative изе of an alpenhorn, wordless vocal- 
izing by Lauren Newton and a Ruegg 
composition titled Jelly Roll, but Mingus 
Rolls Better. 

There was also the Bitter Funcral Beer 
Band from. Sweden, playing the funeral 
music of Ghana, a forerunner of the New 
Orleans funeral tray tting in with 
the band on his Pakistani pocket trumpet 
was Don Cherry, just returned from 
Madras, where he had been studying flute 
with Carnatic master N. Ramani. Cherry, 
who was voted M.V.P. at the festival's 
conclusion, was literally all over the place. 
He led his own group, which included 


with talla player Latil Khan 

In the space of three days, one heard 
trombonist Steve Turre, of Woody Shaw's 
group, doubling on conch shells; trum- 
peter Jon Eardley (formerly with the 
Gerry Mulligan sextet and cxpatriated 
from the U.S. since the сапу Sixties) 
h the WDR Radio Cologne 
Big Band; Italy's Roberto Lancri singing 
in two voices simultaneously in front of 


his Rainbow Memory band; and soprano 
saxophonist-clarinetist Bob Wilber ignit- 
ing Bombay's Brabourne Stadium with his 
Bechet Legacy. 

Added to all uf diat were sets by Indian 
classical musicians. When flutist Hari 
Prasad Chaurasia blew his bamboo cylin- 
der, a listener could feel as if he were a tree 
in the forest and Chaurasia were the 
breeze. Everything was transmitted 
through the most accurate sound system 
Гус ever encountered at an outdoor event. 
The equipment was given to the festival 
promoters by The Police, who played 
India a few years ago. Unfortunately, as 
eclectic, international and acoustically 
perfect as this event is, the only way you'll 
ever hear it is by going there. As yet, no 
recordings or films are available, despite 
the fact that such eminently recordable 
artists as Sonny Rollins, Ravi Shankar and 
Yehudi Menu are associated with the 
festival. It all seems 50... un-American, 

ів GITLER 


RICK ROCK: Rick Derringer produces 
the wacky musical mayhem of Weird Al 
Yankovic, but he deftly deflected our 
recent queries about Al's inner weirdness, 
musical or otherwise. Derringer, whose 
17-year résumé includes Hang on Sloopy, 
platinum and gold productions for Edgar 
and Johnny Winter and Rock and Roll 
Hoochie Koo, takes it all pretty seriously. 
He doesn’t even get snared by such setups 
as “Uh, Rick, does producing for the accor- 
dion come naturally to you?” According to 
him, "producing doesn't come naturally 
for anybody. On АГ» first LP, we really 
wanted to show that he was an accordion 
player and, in some ways, the king of the 


nerds. On the latest one, In 3-0, we 
wanted to downplay the accordion and use 
Al the keyboard player, the singer, show 
his potential in the modern sounds and 
sell more records.” 

What, no more weirdness? “I don't 
know if Al thinks а lot about having his 
original nonparody writing accepted 25 
much as the parodies, but 1 do." 

—LAURA FISSINGER 


REVIEWS 


Duke Ellington was ever on the move 
until we lost him to cancer in 1974. Не 
loved the road: the one-nighter circuit here 
and abroad very ofien brought out the best 
in him and his unique orchestra. A pair of 
two-record sets, recently released, undeni- 
ably make that point. They have the edge 
and immediacy we associate with high- 
level live recording—that and a sense of 
relaxation and expressiveness that grows. 
ош of that just right, fun situation. Duke 
Ellington and His Orchestra; First Annual Tour 
of the Pacific Northwest, Spring 1952 (Folk- 
ways), the work of an orchestra in transi- 
tion, mirrors Ellington's capacity to speak 
through his musicians, mixing their lan- 
guage with his while retaining the natural 
playfulness, fire, color and communica- 
tiveness particular to all editions of 
orchestra. Duke Elfinaton: АЙ Star Road Band 
(Doctor Jazz) provides telling excerpts 
from a memorable evening—a dance, 
circa 1957, in Carrolltown, Pennsylvania. 
A virtual treasury of excellence. that 
showcases Ellingtonia and standard rep- 
ertory, this album is a powerful blend of 
characteristic Dukeish tone colors and 


HOT 


David Knopfler / Release 
KoKo-Pop 

Huw Gower / Guitarophilia 
Nick Lowe and His Cowboy Outfit 
Prince / Purple Rain 


za 
„ WP 


Greystoke: The Legend of Tarzan, Lord 
of the Apes (sound track) 


25 


It is а symbol of heart, of 
courage. And to develop it 
properly, requires a good 
deal of both. 

Just as essential is the 
right piece of equipment. 
Each exercise must be per- 
formed correctly. Correct in 
form. Correct in balance. 

For if the two major 
muscle groups which com- 
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to grow quickly, and with 
natural symmetry, there 
must be proper resistance 
throughout a natural range 
of motion. 

Soloflex builds the chest. 
With the same efficiency 
and simplicity that it builds 
the rest of the body. 

For a free brochure, 
call 1-800-453-9000. In 
Canada, 1-800-543-1005. 
VHS Video brochure also 


availablc upon request. 


FAST TRACKS 


77 


22 ЖИЕС. 


WALK LIKE А MAN DEPARTMENT: As you read this, Sting is somewhere іп the Himalayas, 
looking for the Abominable Snowman. The odds are that the Snowman, if found, won't 


say, “Hey, didn't you write Every Breath You Take?" A Scots explorer, Bill Grant, i 
the expedition. When asked how all this had come to be, Grant said, "I met Sti 


gow on his last tour with The Police. He said he wanted to come with me.” They'll 
search for four weeks on foot. If found, the Snowman would make one hell of a special effect. 


A PICTURE WOULD BE WORTH A THOUSAND 
WORDS: The Tubes members Michael 
Cotten, Prairie Prince and former Tube Re 
Styles performed the first rock concert 
ever held on Bora Bora, Cotten claims 
that the Tahitian sound will be the “next 
big thing,” and if anyone has any 
doubts, he's got “pictures to prove it.” 

REELING AND ROCKING: Rick Wakeman, 

who scored Ken Russell's movie Liszto- 
mania, performed the same duty for 
Russell's new film, Crimes of Passion. 
A sequel to Breakin’ called Electric 
Boogaloo—Breakin’ II should be in the 
theaters soon. It will have even more 
dancing and а possible romance 
between Lucinda Dickey and Shobbo- 
Doo. We liked Breakin’ a lot.. 
Loudon Wainwright Ш makes his film 
debut in Neil Simon's The Slugger's Wife 
in а small role as the leader of a rock- 
"n'-roll band. . . . After director William 
Friedkin made his first music video for 
Laura Bronigon, he signed her to co-star 
in his upcoming feature Sea Trial. . . . 
Dolly Parton’s song Single Women is 
being turned into an AB! / movie. 
Former Saturday Night Live writer 
Michael O'Denoghve, who wrote the 
song, is co-executive producer of the 
movie. 

NEWSBREAKS: Cyndi Lauper has written 
The Indigestion Cookbook. The title comes 
from her fast-paced life and is “aimed at 
people like me, who have to eat a four- 
course meal in seven minutes,” says 
Lauper. .. . You can get ready for 1985 
with The First Official Rolling Stones Cal- 
endar ($8.95, postpaid) by ordering now 
from Stoller Productions, Inc., Box 
691323, Los Angeles 90069. . . . Kenny 
Rogers will host the 18th annual Coun- 
try Music Awards this month... А 
new musical written by Dovid Johansen 


has been performed in an off-Broadway 
workshop. Johansen and a cast of five act 
in The Poets Café, set in Greenwich 
Village. They hope to take it to Broad- 
way. . , . Waylon Jennings is entering the 
tourist business in Nashville by opening 
amuseum that contains everything from 
Buddy Holly's motorcycle to Muhammed 
Ali's boxing gloves. Let's hear it for 
showbiz. . . . Larry Gatlin is making the 
big leap from commercials to acting. 
Look for him this winter on your small 
screen in an episode of Hardcastle Є 
McCormick. Daryl Holl is recording 
with Diana Ress on her next album. . . . 
"The producers of Imagine, the NBC-TV 
movic on John and Yoko, will feature pre- 
viously unheard Lennon recordings. . . . 
Tom Waits is turning one of his songs, 
Frank's Wild Years, into a play. . . . Eddie 
Money is going to try his hand at rock 
criticism fora newL.A.-based magazine 
Critics, beware! . . . Michael Jackson has 
wisely decided that no footage from the 
summer tour will be available for home- 
video or pay-TV programs. Even he 
knowshe’s overexposed. Adocumentary 
film of the tour will be made for 
Jackson’s personal use. So for those of 
you who missed the tour, our adviceis to 
make friends with Michael. . . . The 
Stones’ Bill Wyman has bought the rights 
to about 35 hours of rare film of rock 
music shown only in Europe between 
1965 and 1972. He's planning to incor- 
porate newsrecl material and inter- 
views into the film and turn it into 40 
half-hour TV shows called Those Were 
the Years That Rocked. . . . Finally, Ray 
Thomas of The Moody Blues says that crit- 
ics “used to say we were pretentious. 
Now that we've outlived them all, we 
сап say it’s true.”  =@O —BARBARA NELLIS 


atmosphere, rhythmic provocation and 
extraordinary soloing by Johnny Hodges, 
Harry Carney, Paul Gonsalves, Shorty 
Baker, Clark “Terry, Ray Nance, Britt 
Woodman and the underestimated pianist 
in the ensemble, one Е. К. Ellington. Lis- 
ten! Ellington is forever 
. 

Cuban alto saxophonist-composer Pa- 
quito D'Rivera, who defected to this 
country via Spain in 1980, is rapidly 
becoming a factor in jazz. His third 
album, Poquito D’Rivera Live at 
Keystone Korner (Columbia), recorded 
in San Francisco, shows him to be a 
resourceful and energetic modern playcr, 
with Latin roots and a love and ability for 
jazz improvisation. He makes a strong 
case for combining the rhythms and 
melodic flavors of one with the thrust and 
history of the other. With his five talented 
collaborators, he offers a contemporary 
form of expression that is hot and often 
thoughtful. 


. 

The best surprise іп Пепіссе Williams’ 
latest album, Left's Hear № for the Boy 
(Columbia), is that the title cut is no fluke. 
The up-tempo songs are the ones to remem- 
ber, especially a number called Blind 
Dating. Our advice to Niecy? Rock оп. 

. 

The Olympics аге over, but if you're 
still carrying a torch, you can at least keep 
the memory alive with The Official Music of 
the XXled Olympiad tox Angelos ТОВА 
(Columbia), an anthology of pieces com- 
posed and recorded by some of the great 
lights in pop music in honor of said event. 
Quincy Jones, Foreigner, John Williams 
and Herbie Hancock, among others, have 
actually created listenable and even some- 
times inspiring themes, each dedicated to 
a specific area of competition. A good tape 
for runners. 


. 

There’s not much you need to say about 
Elvis Costello and the Attractions’ Good- 
bye Cruel World (Columbia). It's great. Buy 
It may be the best so far from о? four- 
eyes. It's thick with synth funk and 
features harmonies by Daryl Hall. ‘There 
c 13 tunes here, and not one misses. 


SHORT CUTS 


Stevie Ray Vaughan and Double Trouble / 
Couldn't Stand the Weather (Epic): This sec- 
ond LP by one of the most interesting 
blues guitarists around shows a healthy 
respect for such masters as Jimi Hendrix 
and Guitar Slim, plus new-found strength 
in Vaughan’s vocals. 

Willie Celón / Tiempo Ро’ Motor (Fania): 
The Latino star's last one for Fania before 
he turned to RCA and a crack at Julio 
Iglesias’ market. He ought to drop Willie 
Nelson a line. 

Smokey Robinson / Essor (Tamla): This 
man keeps on writing pretty songs as he 
sings the baby-boom gencration into matu- 
rity. A good dance LP with great lyrics. 


Autumn's in the air, the leaves are rustling, 

and the fun's just beginning. It’s the perfect time 

to stir up the smooth, crisp taste 
of Seagram's 7 and 70Р? 


Enjoyed in moderation, it’s the 
ideal way to make the fall 
more festive. 


SN 
\ 7 


NN. oe u 

Seagra m's Sev бек things stirring. 

з ` Ly P z и 0 š 7 "A жар SENI Р, 14. OE 
. 5%, f / Pef 2 Қ» | eit E 


PA 


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(© 1984 SEAGRAM DSTILLERS CO N Y C. AMERICAN WHISAEY А BLEND. 80 PROOF SEVEN UP ANO ТИР ARE TRADEMARKS OF THE SEVEN UP COMPANY. 
SEAGRAM'S 7 ISA TRADEMARK OF SEAGRAN DISTILLERS CO. 787 Б A MIXED DRINK NADE WITH SEAGRAM'S 7 & ТИР 


KING: 17 mg. "tar", 13 mg. nicotine, 1005. 17 mg. "tar", 
1.4 mû, nicotine, av. per cigarette by ЕТС method, 


Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined 
^ That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous 10 Your Health. 


MOVIES 


By BRUCE WILLIAMSON 


cunt rastwoon, to his credit, keeps trying 
roles that challenge the traditional strong- 


silenthero image his legions of fans 
expect. In Tightrope (Warner), he's a 
divorced New Orleans detective with a 


definite kinky streak—raising two young 
daughters by himself because his wife has 
left him, clearly hostile to women and 
going olf to the seedy side of the French 
Quarter from time to time for a bit of fan 
When the moon is full, his notion of fun 
may be to handcuff a bimbo to а bed; he 
also commits acts of violence in his 
dreams, Thus, Tighirope's plot quickens 
when а sex-mad strangler begins to wipe 
out party girls (as well as one party boy), 
ncluding a couple the detective has known 
more than casually, Through a kind of sick 
symbiosis between hunter and killer, Clint 
starts to identify with his quarry, while the 
maniac zeroes in оп the cop's kids and his 
new ladylriend (Genevieve Bujold, con- 
veniently playing the militant head of a 
rape-crisis center), Considering the color- 
ful. New Orleans locations, writer-director 
Richard Tuggle might have been wise to 
¢ the movie look a little less dank— 
he’s mach 160 literal about dramatizing 
murky psychological motivations on the 
right side of the law. But Clint commands 
attention through the gloom and an occa- 
sional slack spot, and Tightrope, i 
ied way. out lo be 
unnerving. ЖУ 


а stud- 
se and 


turns 


. 

Unlike Eastwood, superstar Burt Reyn- 
olds gen 
nce, making bad movies for big bucks 
any slapdash manner that he and director 
Hal Needham am up. Cronyism: 
good old buddies’ getting together for 
laughs in a hell-and-gone road movie—is 
absolutely all that's going on in Cannonball 
Run И (Warner). Among the famous faces 
invited to Burt's cinematic luau you'll spot 
Susan Anton, Sid Caesar, Catherine Bach. 
Dom DeLuise, Dean Martin, Sammy 
Davis Jr., Marilu Henner, Telly Savalas, 
Frank Sinatra and MacLaine. 
"They appear to be having a high old time. 
Unfortunately, the fun is seldom, if ever, 
contagious. ¥ 


rally takes the line of least resis 


an dr 


Shirley 


. 

The winner of eight 1983 Australian 
film awards, Careful, He Might Hear You 
(TLC Films) indubitably deserved them 
all, beginning with Best Picture. H° 
child's garden of unfathomable grown 
misery, seen from the viewpoint of a boy 
(Nicholas Gledhill) caught in a fierce cus- 
оду battle between iwo aunts. While 
Robyn Nevin wins sympathy as his sweetly 
suburban Aunt Lila, Wendy Hughes (Best 
Actress) commands attention as the rich, 


Eastwood walks a fine line in Tightrope. 


Eastwood achieves perfect balance; 
Aussies wage custody battle; 
Top Secret!, a madcap comedy. 


Kilmer gyrates through Top Secret! 


Aunt 
ay with 
the movie except for young Gledhill, an 


unloved and unloving 
Hughes might walk aw 


worldly, 
Vanes: 


en-year-old who 


irresistible se lisps 


slightly and can wring the hardest of 
hearts with a sidelong glance. As the tyke's 
ne'er-do-well father, John Hargreaves 
turns his paternal moment of truth into yet 
nother poignant episode. Fin 


performer scores under the sensitive eye of 
Carl Schultz (Best Dircctor) in a screen- 
play adapted from the novel by Sumner 
Locke Elliott. Careful has been called 
Australia's. Kramer vs. Kramer, but Га 
ignore that if I were you. Rich in Thirties 
period color and emotional nuances, this 
finely tuned family drama can stand on 
its own, thanks. ¥¥¥% 

. 

Among the villains on tap in Top Secret! 
(Paramount) is “a moron who knows only 
what he reads in the New York Роя.” 
Brought to you by the madcap guys who 
made Airplane!, Secret! is а hit-or-miss 
spoof codirected by Jim Abrahams with 
David and Jerry Zucker (also co-authors, 
with Martyn Burke, of the screenplay). 
Val Kilmer sparkles as a Presleyish rock 
star invited to East Germany, where he 
meets a fetching damsel in distress (Lucy 
Gutteridge), a British secret agent (Omar 
Sharif) and. explicably, а band оГ 
French Resistance types left over from 
World War Two espionage dramas. The 
heroic Frenchmen make no sense here, but 
Top Secret! doesn't aim to make sense—it 
aims to make fun of every East-West spy 
story that ever had a kidnaped scientist, 
plus an escape plane leaving a remote air- 
field at 1800 hours under heavy бге be- 
hind cnemy lines. Part mock-Hitchcock 
and part pure nonsense, this camp come- 
dy is a million laughs—if you're in a 
good mood and not keeping count too 
carefully, ЖУУ 


. 

Several kinds of screwball comedy, попе 
of it working quite right, are mixed up 
with a probably specious ethnic fable and 
some black humor about African revolu- 
tionaries in The Gods Must Be Crazy (TLC 
Films). Made in Botswana by writer- 
producer-director Jamie Uys, it begins in 
the Kalahari Desert, where a native Bush- 
man named Xi (played by N'xau, whose 
me is translated into English with ап 
exclamation point) finds a Coca-Cola bot- 
tle dropped by a careless airplane pilot— 
and learns the hard way that “the evi 
` revolutionizes life in his simple 
tribe. Gods also has a budding romance 
between an absent-minded microbiologist 
(Marius Weyers) and a blonde teacher 
(Sandra Prinsloo). There’s more going on 
here than any two movies could comfort- 
ably encompass, but Gods Must Be Crazy 
has been running for three years in one 
Paris theater and has become a box-office 
hit from Canada to Japan. Why? I think 
the answer lies in glimpses of an exotic life- 
style in a faraway wilderness where we 


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don’t expect to find cither natives or white 
settlers carry lapstick. УУ 
. 

Muscle man Arnold Schwarzenegger is 
joined by Grace Jones, a pop singer, Wilt 
Chamberlain, а b; tball star, and 
English actress Sarah Douglas in Conon the 
Destroyer (Universal). Although not adver- 
tised as an entertainment for the mentally 
deficient, this sequel to Conan the Barbar- 
Зап sends Schwarzenegger on a quest with 
а spoiled princess (Olivia D'Abo), under 
secret orders to bring her back “with the 
treasure and her virginity intact." Schwarz- 
enegger, who's gentle with virgins, fells 
camds and horses with a hard right j. 
But it appears that cveryone present. has 
been directed (by Richard Fleischer) to 
perform simple s accompanied by 
monosyllabic dialog a trained seal might 
deliver without strain. ¥ 

. 

Any admirer of George Lucas' Star 
Wars ought to be fascinated by The Hidden 
Fortress (R5/S8), a samurai adventure 
drama made in 1958 by Japanese movie 
master Akira Kurosawa. Never before 
shown in the U.S. in this original uncut 
version, more than two hours long, Fortress 
is the epic publicly acknowledged by 
Lucas as his inspiration for Star War 
With Japan's top male star, Tost 
Mifunc, as a sort of samurai Han Solo, 
there's even a captive princess (Misa 
Uehara), plus two squabbling peasant 
farmers one short, one tall—who might 
well pass for the R2-D2 and C-3PO of an 
earlier time. Quite aside from its value as a 
nematic curio, however, Fortress has 
pitched battles, pursuits and daring res- 
cues to spare, all photographed in black 
and white in a barren, ancient landscape 
that Lucas didn't have to change much 
when he re-created it for the space age 
Kurosawa's rediscovered work is no ma 
terpiece compared with his greatest films, 
but it's bravura entertainment in its own 
right, also mesmerizing as the source 
for а pop-art classic that has made movi 
history. YYYY 


° 


. 

А sexy Manhattan-born soprano named 
Julia Migenes-Johnson, already famous 
Europe, should top all her previous suc- 
cesses with the U.S. release of Cormen 
(Triumph). Filmed largely on location in 
Spain, Italian director Francesco. Rosi's 
sumptuous but somewhat stolid movie 
version of the Bizet opera looks splendid 
and sounds fabulous, making the sound- 
track album а must. The film zings 
ht along whenever Migenes-Johnson 
swaggers on to upstage the scenery and 
overpower her co-stars—incomparable 
Placido Domingo, as Don José, the согро- 
ral undone by his headlong passion for a 
strumpet, and the Met's Ruggero Rai 
mondi, as the toreador Escamillo. Rosi's 
brand of ic verismo, especially with 
English subtitles, tends to show up the 
essential silliness of a romantic opera 


Schwarzenegger gives Chamberlain a primitive but long-lasting facial in Conan the Destroyer. 


Conan on the warpath; 
Japanese daddy of Star Wars; 
Domingo hits high note. 


Domingo, Migenes-Johnson in Carmen. 


steeped in sentimentality. We have been 
overrun by Carmens recently, from Peter 
Brook's truncated La Tragédie de Carmen 


оп Broadway to a modern flamenco-dance 
film version by Carlos Saura. Let all those 
Bizet bodies make way for Julia. Although 
her beauty is as unconventional as Barbra 
Streisand's, she’s a fireball femme fatale 
without a shred of inhibition when it 
comes to tarting up the classics. ;/Olé! YYY 
. 


“The Sundance Institute for Independ- 
ent Filmmakers, founded by Robert 
Redford, was the breeding ground where 
24-year-old. writer-director Marisa Silver 
got ОМ Enough (Orion Classics) under 
promising start for both Sundance 
Iver, ОМ Enough is an honest, win- 

ing-of-age comedy in а minor 
key—about two New York girls whose 
backgrounds are vastly different, though 
home addresses are separated by 
only a few city blocks. Lonnie (Sarah 
Boyd) is scarcely 12 and lives in a chic 
town house. Karen (R. 
a voluptuous 14-ycar-old street kid fron 
n Catholic family crowded into a 


nbow Harvest) 


an Ital 
storefront apartment in a building wher 

her father (Danny Aiello) is the superin- 
tendent, Karen is incredulous when she 
first learns that Lonnic's family occupies 
the entire house, What binds the twosome 
in friendship is their common interest in 
beauty, boys and sex. They live vicari 

Лу for the most part, except for Lonnic's 
brief flirtation with Karen's handsome 
brother Johnny (Neill Barry), a 15-year- 
old who's soon distracted by а sexy 
upsta 
Nothing much happens in ОМ Enough, 
which is mostly а collection. of detailed 
observations—acted with beguiling inno- 
cence, directed and photographed with а 
knowing eye on New York. YYY 

. 

uch too patly and pre- 
dictably in Som's Son (Invictus), a semi 
autobiographical written and 
directed by Michael Landon about his 
New Jersey boyhood, his love for his father 
and his early prowess as a javelin thrower 


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during his senior year as a high school ath- 
lete. Since his father’s name was Sam 
Orowitz, the title is both a fond tribute in 
memoriam and a play on words—hecause 
Michael, then i 
stitious belief a 
strength. Eli Wallach and Anne Jackson 
portray his parents in a rich emotional 
style appropriate to the aver-all tone of 
Sam's Son, a warm but somewhat unctu- 
ous film that seems pretty well saturated 
with sincerity. Timothy Patrick Murphy 
plays young Gene, looking like a reason- 
able facsimile of the lad who went West to 
become a big TV star (of Bonanza and 
Little House on the Praivie) after bis film 
debut in / Was а Teenage Werewolf. That's 
another story entirely, and it may be for 
the best if Landon doesn’t make a movie 
about it. МУ 


The sexual chemistry between Dolly 
Parton and Sylvester Stallone brings up 
nary a bubble in a misbegotten musical 
comedy called Rhinestone (Fox). Dolly 
plays a night-dub singer who bets her 
crass manager (Ron Leibman) that she 
can transform а rugged New York 
cabdriver into a successful country singer 
within two weeks. While Stallone shows 
himself to be a passable singer, Rhinestone 
raises a question about his ability as an 
actor of light comedy. The answer is no. 
Stallone’s performance is embarrassing, 
made more so by peckaboo shirts that 
scem to challenge Parton in ttle of the 
cleavage. Dolly does her easygoing best 
М х odds, yet Rhinestone т 
1000 looks as phony as а $1.98 dime-store 
choker. ¥ 


st crus! 


E 

Some Teddy Pendergrass vocals on the 
sound track establish the mood of Alan Ru- 
dolph's Choose Me (Island Alive), а rueful 
little roundelay for lovers or would-be lov- 
ers who drift in and out of a big- 
mill known as Eve's. Lesley Ann Warren, 
as the vulnerable Eve, Genevieve Bujold, 
as the frustrated sexpert who gives advice 
to young lovers on a radio talk show, and 
Rac Dawn Chong, 


a girl on the make, 
are all fair game for Keith Carradine. He's 
а pathological liar and а mental patient 
on the lam. Choose Me's lyrical opening 


sequence, a dreamy minimusical, has ech- 
ocs in a wordless, amazingly eloquent 
semifinal love scene between Warren and 
Carradine. There's real moviemaking 
magic at work here, yet the movie as a 
whole bogs down now and then in self- 


artiness and есі 
Writer-director Rudolph, а former assist- 
ant to Robert Altman, has the master's 
touch at giving moviegoers а bumpy run 
for their money. Thus far, his films—from 
Welcome to L-A. and Roadie to Endangered 
Species—are elusive, original and dog- 
gedly minor. One of these days, I suspect, 
he'll hit us with a really big one. Mean- 
while, Choose Me exudes an air of high 
promise never quite fulfilled. ЖҰЗ 


conscious 


MOVIE SCORE CARD 


capsule close-ups of current films 
by bruce williamson 


After the Rehearsal Ingmar Bergman's 
psychodrama about a famed di- 
rector. Wy 
All of Me Reincarnation for kicks, with 
Lily Tomlin as а rich old lady returning 
in Steve Martin's body Wi, 
Bachelor Party Standard low-down high- 
jinks almost saved by Tom Hanks. ¥¥ 
Beat Street Music, music, music—but 


where's the movie? № 
Cannonball Run И (Scc revicw) Reynolds 
rap with road runners. Y 


Careful He Might Hear You (Sce review) 
А child's garden of guardians. W¥% 
Cormen (See review) The Bizet opera, 
with Domingo and sexpot soprano. ¥¥¥ 
Choose Me (Зее review) Romance and 
neurosis in a neighborhood Баг. ¥¥%4 
Conan the Destroyer (Sce review) Able- 
bodied but feeble-minded. ¥ 
Ghostbusters Aykroyd and Murray as 
Manhattan exorcists—a real treat. ¥¥¥ 
The Gods Must Be Crazy (Sec review) 
Screwball comedy, African style. ҰҰУ 
А new wave of comic horrors 
from Santa Spiclberg's toyshop. Wv 


The Hidden Fortress (Scc review) Japa- 
nese forebear of Star Wars. МУЖА 
The Karate Kid er with a black 


belt reliving Rocky's triumphs. ҰММ, 
The Last Starfighter Some much bigger 
space epics amiably spoofed. ¥¥¥% 
The Muppets Take Manhattan АП gct- 
ting together to put on a Broadway 
show We 
Old Enough (Sce review) Girls surviv- 
ing puberty blues in New York. УМУ 


Once upon a Time in America Sergio 
Leone’s dim Jewish Godfather. ¥ 
Phar tap Enthralling film bio of a leg- 
endary Aussie race horse. vvv 


The Pope of Greenwich Village Ovcracted 
but OK. Recap of the book—with Eric 
Roberts and Mickey Rourke. ww 
Rhinestone (Sec review) Stallone's folly, 
somewhat alleviated by Dolly ¥ 
Sam's Son (бе You heard 
right, the early life of Michael 
Landon. yy 
Star Trek Ш: The Search for Spock That 
gang's all there, giving Trekkies good 
cause to rejoice. 

Sugar Cane Alley To be poor, gifted 
black down in Martinique. 

Swann in Love A Proustian core s 
ple with Jeremy Irons, Ornella 
Muti. xv 
Tightrope (Scc review) Eastwood on his 
tocs as a kinky detective, Ww 
Top Secret! (Scc review) Spy spoof from 


review) 


= 


the guys who got Airplane! aloft, УУУ 
Under the Volcano Finney and Bisset 
doing Lowry novel for Huston. ҰҰУ 


¥¥¥ Don't miss 
¥¥¥ Good show 


уу Worth а look 
Y Forget it 


Well Get You Inside Her Head. 


Ес 


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A shutter inside the camera -rather than in the lens-also means you сап 


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Of course, you don’t have to pay the price of a 2000 FC/M to own a 
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FOREURTHER INFORMATION ABOUT THE HASSELBLAD SYSTEM CONTACT VICTOR HASSELBEAD INC. DEPT. 835. 10 MADISON ROAD, FAIRFIELD, NI 7006, TELEPHONE 
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jl! certainly think it's great value. LI TO TAKE PRICELESS PICTURES 


COMING ATTRACTIONS ` 


By JOHN BLUMENTHAL 


IDOL GOSSIP: Daryl Hannah, who played the 
annoyingly long-haired mermaid іп 
Splash, has been signed to star in the film 
version of Jean М. Auels best seller The 
Clan of the Cave Bear. If we're lucky, they'll 
trim her tresses for the role. . Dino 
De Laurentiis is planning a remake of Jules 
Verne's 20,000 Leagues Under the 
Sea Gory Busey, who recently сот- 
pleted the role of Bear Bryant in The 
Bear, will portray another sports hero, Jee 
DiMaggio, in the film version of Terry 
Johnson's play Insignificance. Also cast are 
Theresa Russell as Marilyn Monroe and—if 
you can believe this—Teny Curtis as Senator 
Joe McCarthy. Columbia Pictures is 
planning to make a series of Three Stooges 
films and will hold a nationwide talent 
search to find three guys to play Мое, Larry 
and Curly. . . . Aussie actor Jack (Breaker 
Morant) Thompson, Barbara Hershey and 
Michael (Flashdance) Nouri will be т 20th 
Century-Fox's Sea Trial, a suspense 
thriller based on Frank De Felitta’s novel 
about a couple who charter a sailboat and 
find themselves in a survival situation. 
William Friedkin has been set to direct. 
. 

HOW MUCH ARE THE GUCCI HANDCUFFS? Aside 
from any other merits it may have, Раг; 
mount’s Beverly Hills Сор is noteworthy in 
that it represents one of the most unusual 
casting substitutions in recent memory. 
Sylvester Stallone was originally supposed 
to star but bowed out and was replaced by 
Eddie Murphy. On the surface, that sounds 
like an odd shuffle, but the film's plot 
ms to justify either actor in the lead. 
Billed as a “contemporary action come- 
dy,” Gop has Murphy portray Detroit 
police detective Axel Foley, а cop known 
for his blunt approach and unique modus 
operandi, whose best pal is mysteriously 
murdered. Scems the guy was mixed up 
with some illicit bonds in Beverly Hills, so 
Foley heads out to La La Land to solve the 
case. Much of the comedy seems to stem 
from the contrast of Foley's gruff approach 
with the refined ways of Beverly Hills— 
kind of the same basic device that gave 
Columbo its yuks. Directed Бу Martin 
(Going in Style) Brest, the flick is due out at 
Christmas. 


. 

DUDLEY THE BIGAMIST: Blake Edwards and 
Dudley Moore have reunited for the first 
time in five years (their first collaboration 
was the enormously successful 107) in 
Columbia’s Mickey & Maude, a comedy 
about modern romantic foibles and fanta- 
sies. Dudley plays Rob Salinger, a reporter 
for a TV news-magazine show. He's got a 
wife named Mickey (Ann Reinking), who's 
a successful lawyer, and a mistress named 
Maude (Amy Irving), who's a successful 


Baby and Dune are two action-packed blockbusters that promise to provide moviegoers with 


dazzling special effects. Wi 


т Katt and Sean Young (above) star in Baby as a young 


couple whose discovery of a prehistoric hatchling—a baby brontosaurus—puts their lives 
in peril. Francesca Annis and supporting cast (below) appear in the science-fiction thriller 
Dune. The scene is set for the deadly battle between the young leader, commanding an army 
of 6,000,000 warriors, and the tyrannical force that threatens to enslave the universe. 


cellist. Sounds like the ideal setup, except 
that Maude wants a husband and Rob 
wants а baby. To make a long story short, 
Maude gets pregnant and Rob marrics 
her; then Mickey gets pregnant 
stays married to her. 


man with wo 
rally, neither wife knows about the other, 
and poor old Dudley is compelled to lead a 
double life. Mickey & Maude is scheduled 
for a 1985 premiere. 
. 

ONE FOR THE LITTLE GUY: 20th Century-Fox's 
Turk 182!, in spite of its odd title, is one of 
those little-guy-takes-on-the-system-and- 


wins flicks. Timothy Hutton plays the little 
guy, who wages battle against a city 
burcaucracy in behall of his older brother, 
a disabled firc fighter who was injured 
while rescuing a child from a burning 
building only to have city hall deny him 
h Turk 182 refers to the code 
name by which Hutton is known as his 
exploits against city hall begin to surface, 
causing the entire city to rally behind him. 
Co-starring with Hutton are Kim (Police 
Academy) Cattrall and Darren MeGavin. Turk 
182! is directed by Bob (Rhinestone) Clark. 
Look for it in February. 


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YOU PROBABLY won't believe this, but I have 
a Martian friend named Grob. He's really 
a pretty good guy for a Martian. Grob is 
3'2" tall and purple. He has а huge head 
and a skinny neck and an aluminum-foil 
cape that says visrr mars. Grob looks like 
E.T.’s cousin, but he claims there's no 
relationship. He's a little miffed that E.T. 
gets all the publicity while other space 
people are ignored. 

Grob and I were having a late lunch the 
other day. He was curious about every- 
thing, as usual. You know the kinds of 
questions Martians ask. I didn’t realize it 
at the time, but when he stared at me with 
his neon eyes and asked innocently, 
"What's it like trying to make a living 
these days?” he was starting a conversa- 
tion that almost got out of control. 

“Look over there"—1 pointed to the 
building where 1 lived, across the street— 
“on the 37th floor on the southeast comer. 
I was free to buy that condo. | function in 
а system of economic freedom, and I'm 
damned glad I do.” 

Grob nodded. “Then I as 
also free not to buy somet 


ame you are 


are struc- 
tured so that I have to go deeply into debt 
if I want to write off interest payments and 
reduce my taxable income.” 

“But that sounds like blackmail!” Grob 
exclaimed. 

I took a breath and reminded myself 
that he was from another planet, “Y 
don’t understand,” I said, smiling. 
us have to work for several months cach 
year just to pay our taxes. The average guy 
works until mid-April before he's earning 
income for himself. Soon it will be May or 
June. But if you play your cards right, you 
can cut back on that. Tax shelters help. So 
does a lot of debt.” 

“Freedom is indebtedness, then?” 

I gritted my teeth. “I'm free as soon as 
I've worked long enough to pay the Gov- 
ernment what l owe it. 

“Free to do what?" Grob asked. 

“Free to go make a living and feed 
myself and my family," I said. "Until I 
pay the Government that protects me, why 
should I be able to go out and work for 
myself and my kids?” 

“Hmmm,” Grob said. He rubbed his 
very large nose. Grob could snort a pitcher 
of beer in seconds. Rarely did he sneeze, 
but when he did, 

“Look,” I said, “1 know that as a Mar- 
tian, you find this difficult to understand; 
but in our free economy, the average man 
is expected to know а lot.” I paused to 
think of an example. “For one thing, he'd 
better know the price of gold. That aflects 
а lot of things. And the direction of that 
price? Boy, oh, boy, he'd better have some 


BREADWINNING 
IN THE EIGHTIES 


“I decided I'd never met a Martian 
I really liked. But | let him 
buy me the beer. And lunch." 


idea. He can't very well plan own 
affairs if he bets wrong on that one. It 
could be a disaster." 

“How can the average man know all 
about gold?" 

“Tt takes work," I said, nodding know- 
dv. 
Nhat do they pay him for that work?” 

“Nothing.” 

“What else does the average man have 
to do for nothing?" 

"The Fed," I said. "He has to keep 
track of the Fed, the money supply, МІ, 
M2—stuff like that. The Fed's actions 
determ nterest rates, and you can't buy 
a house or a car wisely unless you know 
what you'll have to pay for the money.” 

“So you call the Fed and ask it what it 
do?" 

‘Come on, Grob,” 1 yelled, “don't you 
know anything? The Fed is a group of 
secretive and powerful people who meet 
behind closed doors to determine how 
much money we can have.” 

Ah," he said, smiling. "Freedom." 

“What's that supposed to mean?" I was 
Feling very defensive. 

"Um merely trying to learn your system. 
И seems to me the average man has to be 
ап economics expert. Not only that but the 
average man is expected to take risks that 
are far beyond his means! Going deeply 


into debt so that he can avoid taxes? Why, 
if I proposed that on Mars, Га be run off 
the planet. What happens if the economy 
falters? What does he do if interest rates 
change or the banks fail?” 

“When the going gets tough, the tough 
get going,” I said. 

“Where do they go?" Grob asked. 

“That's just a saying!" I scrcamcd. I am 
sorry that I screamed, but I lost my 
patience. l'd been up since four AM. get- 
ting the gold fix from London and charting 
interest rates. My banker had called for 
the mortgage money, and 1 had stock and 
commodities margin calls. The pressure 
was on, as it always is. I'd had an IRS 
audit that morning, and in the middle of 
that, my kid wanted to talk with me about 
his camping trip. There I was, juggling all 
those decisions, and the little bastard 
wanted some of my time. 1 gave him an 
800 number to call. My wife thought I was 
being too harsh. 

“After all, he is a tax deduction,” she 
said when she called from Europe. She 
was there on business. 

“When are you coming home?" I asked. 
“It’s been a year and a half” 

“As soon as I can. ' Bye, darling.” 

1 was wrong to yell at Grob, but we're 
all stretched fairly thin these days. 
“Grob,” I said, “it y simple. Once 
you get a handle on inflation and recession 
and unemployment and the deficit and 
bracket creep and changing tax codes and 
"Third World loans and basic fuel-and- 
energy questions and whipsawing com- 
moditics markets and potential wade wars 
and the moncy supply and foreign affairs 
and weather forecasts and the sardine 
catch off Chile, you're free to do whatever 
you want.” 

“But it would take a genius to do all of 
that!” Grob said. 
ure, it takes some smarts,” 
“Win a few, lose а few.” 

“I would find it exhausting to do so 
much work for nothing.” 

“It can get to you," I admitted. “But 
when you guess right"—I hit my palm 
with my fist— “there's no feeling like it in 
the world.” 

“May 1 buy you a beer?” Grob asked. 


Т said. 


“Do you mind if we switch to another 
brand?” 

“Why do thar?” I asked. 

“I'm working a little arbitrage on the 
ven-dollar spread. ГИ save three cents per 
bottle, as I ic" 

He punched some numbers into the 
computer on his belt. “Маке that four 
cents," he said, "if we drink it fast.” 

"That's when I decided Га never met a 
Martian 1 really liked. But 1 let him buy 
me the beer. And lunch, 

Hey, you take what you can get. 


Я з 


THE PERFECT MARGARITA 


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TACO LEAVES 
los, 1/2 tsp. ground cumin 
nts 3 cups shredded, cooked 


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2 heads Iceberg lettuce 1 cup (8-1/4-02. can) 


14/3 cups (10-oz. can) refried beans 
enchilada sauce 1/2 cup (2-02.) shredded 
1/2 tsp. garlic salt Cheddar cheese 


Sprinkle avocado crescents with lemon juice. Separate outer 
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Makes 8 to 10 appetizer servi 


TEQUILA SUNRISE 


2 oz. Cuervo Premium Tequila 
4 oz. Orange Juice $ \ 

3/4 ог. Grenadine 
Stir tequila and orange juice | 
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allow to settlé Stir. 


< 


SNAPPY SALSA 


Sprinkle avocado chunks with lemofî juice. 


Serve on picks to dip in your fav, 


IMPORTED AND BOTTLED BY © 1984 A INGMAR 


CUERVO ESPECIAL # TEQUILANBU PROOF AN OSE CUE Sm 80 PROS 


14/2 oz. Cuervo Especial 
4 oz. Grapefruit Juice 
Pour tequila over ice. 
Add grapefruit juice- Stir. 


GUACAMOLE ` 

2 California Avocados, ^ 
halved, pitted, peeled 

2 Tbs. lemon juice 

1/2 tsp. seasoned salt 

1/4 tsp. garlic powder 
1/8 tsp. hot pepper sauce 
5 slices bacon, cooked, crumbled 


Mash avocados together with lemon juice, 
seasoned salt, garlic powder and hot pepper sauce. 


Cover. Chill thoroughly. Stir in all but 1 Tbs. bacon. 
Garnish with reserved bacon. Makes 2 cups. реп 
а sensuous night 


With Jose Cuervo Tequila,California Avocados and some deserving 
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And usually does. 


CALIFORNIA AVOCADO PARTY PLATTER 
1 California Avocado, diced 1 cup medium hot taco sauce 
1 Tbs. lemon juice Tortilla chips 
1 Pkg. (8-02.) cream cheese 

Sprinkle avocado chunks with lemon juice. Beat cream cheese with 
3 Tbs. taco sauce until smooth. Spread іп 8-inch circle on serving plate. 

Sprinkle avocado chunks on top. Arrange tortilla 

chips around edge. Spoon on remaining taco 
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The Sensuous Food” 


Cuervo Premium Tequila 


By CYNTHIA HEIMEL 


WILLIE WAS DOING all our favorite tunes, and 
Rita and 1 sat rapt as he warbled through 
My Heroes Have Always Been Cowboys, Red 
Headed Stranger and On the Road Again. 

“Goddamn,” said Rita, "he's so cute, 1 
could just eat him with a spoon.” Being 
‘Texan, she talks like that. 

I wanted to eat him with a spoon, too, 
and we had the time of our lives until the 
cataclysm occurred: Willie Nelson sang 
his hit song To All the Girls Гое Loved 
Before. This is an awful, syrupy, glutinous 
confection, the sentiment of which involves 
Willie's former love life—how he really 
loved all those girls from his past but had 
to up and leave them, because he just 
couldn’t hang around; he’s that kind of 
guy. But he absolutely did love all of 
them—no kidding. 

“Maudlin, bathetic horseshit,” I said to 
Rita. 

“And that’s just the words,” she said. 
“The music's lousy, too. Í think Willie’s 
finally got himself too much money. He's 
too comfortable to write about real stuff 
anymore.” 

The audience, predominantly male, 
didn't agree with us. They were shricl 
and yahooing and making noises like 
chickens. 

“Sounds like we got some mean desper- 
adoes in the audience,” Rita remarked. 

“They love it,” I said. “Why do they 
love i?” 

“I think they think they're cowboys,” 
she said. 

"Then the hissing started. Feminine hiss- 
ing. It started way up in the balconies and 
worked its way to the orchestra. The 
women were not taking kindly to this anti- 
commitment tune. Somehow, they hadn't 
minded when Willie sang about how the 
redheaded stranger shot a woman for 
touching his horse, but now they were 
pissed off. This was interesting. 

Here's what [ think: Its а romantic 
notion, being a cowboy. American men, 
spoon-fed John Wayne movies in their 
formative years, have taken the cowboy 
myth to heart. Thousands of them are 
under the vast delusion that, give or take а 
few small details, they are exactly like 
Pretty Boy Floyd or, possibly, Butch 
Cassidy—living a simple life of campfires, 
beans, cattle rustlers and vast orangey- 
pink sunsets. From that heady assump- 
tion, it is but a small hop, skip and jump to 
uttering such sentences as “Listen, little 
gal, I'm jest a ramblin" man, no woman 
can hold me fer long, ‘cause I got to be 
movin’ on down that long, lonesome road, 
and I'm easy to love but I'm hard to hold, 
and I'd rather give you my soul than dia- 
monds ог gold— but jest fer a minute.” 

Here's what else 1 think: Any of you 
guys want to behave as il you were a cow- 
boy, you damn well better be a cowboy. 


SO YOU WANT TO 
BE A COWBOY 


“A cowboy doesn't jog. He doesn't 
wear a wrist chronometer or $50 
running shoes or a silly 
velour suit. . . . He doesn't swim 
laps if he can help it." 


Some facts: 

A cowboy doesn’t jog. He doesn't wear а 
wrist chronometer or $50 running shoes or 
a silly velour suit. He has never joined а 
health club or willingly partaken of a sau- 
na. He doesn't swim laps if he can help it. 
He doesn’t play squash or racquetball, 
and he knows for sure that tennis їз а game 
for pussies. 

Cowboys don't go to Bloomingdale's. What 
use have they for Irish-linen shirts? You 
can't cowpunch in Ralph Lauren. A cow- 
boy wouldn't buy a Cuisinart ora designer 
bath towel or a Haitian-cotton-covered 
love seat, He doesn’t песа a pair of 
Ttalian-leather loafers. 

A cowboy isn't proud of his audio compo- 
nents. You'll never find him playing with 
his 12-band graphic equalizer. He has 
never been interested іп computerized 
turntables, with remote control. 
Compact discs mean nothing to him. He 
doesn’t hang remote disco tweeters from 
his bedroom ceiling and has never decided 
to freak out his neighbors with his 
suhaudio woofers. 

A cowboy has never experienced an anxiety 
attack. In his entire life, he has never felt 
the need for a Valium. He has never 
reclined on a couch to discuss his hostili- 


even 


ties toward his mother. He has never 
uncovered deep feelings of inadequacy. 
Women do not thrill to his sensitivity to 
their inner needs. 

A cowboy doesn’t have brunch. He has 
never heard of a mimosa, and although 
he has a passing acquaintance with bloody 
marys, he has never imbibed them in a 
fern-encrusted, pink-napkined restaurant 
riddled with waiters named Bruce. 

A cowboy doesn't wear a tie to work. He 
has never in his life dictated a letter to his 
secretary. What secretary? He has no cli- 
ents; he attends no board meetings. He 
never commutes; he has no expense 
account, no credit cards. He will never go 
to a convention and wear a name tag. 

A cowboy has never taken out a life- 
insurance policy. A cowboy doesn’t covet 
his neighbor's Mercedes 350SL. A cowboy 
has never eaten pesto. A cowboy never gets 
tickets to the opera. A cowboy does not 
floss his teeth. 

Here’s what a cowboy does: 

He falls in love with barmaids named Lil. 
He likes to munch on the worm at the bot- 
tom of a bottle of mescal. He sleeps with a 
machete next to his bed. He carries a shot- 
gun in his pickup truck. He leaves town 
by dawn. He defends the farm from mean 
hombres. He kisses his horse. He drifts. He 
eats armadillo meat. He evades posses. 

When a rowhoy gets shor in the leg, he 
takes his knife out of his boot, spits on it to 
kill any germs and then removes the bullet 
with it. He squints a lot while doing this, 
but he doesn’t sob or whimper. 

If a cowboy is short of funds, he rounds 
up a few of his friends, and they all get on 
their horses and chase a train. When they 
catch it, they jump off their galloping 
horses and onto the roof of the moving 
train. Then they shimmy through the win- 
dows and rob all the passengers at 
gunpoint. 

Are you а cowboy? Perhaps not. 
Chances are you floss your teeth and have 
never evaded a posse in your life. It there- 
fore sadly follows that if you've got prob- 
lems committing yourself to the woman of 
your choice, you'd be better off deromanti- 
cizing your plight. You're not living a red- 
blooded myth, you're suffering from a 
personality disorder. 

“The thing is," I said to Rita as we left 
the concert, "I can understand commit- 
ment problems. | am not a stranger to 
fears of intimacy. 1 fully comprehend 
ambivalence. I know the feeling of getting 
too close and wanting to run away. But 
Гус never been able to feel proud of those 
lotions,” 

What we necd,” said Rita, “їз a female 
John Wayne." 

“Mac West?" I wondered. 

“Oh, who cares?” she said. 
both dead, anyway. 


"They're 


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with Low Tat. 
That's Success! 


AGAINST THE WIND 


By CRAIG VETTER 


My FRIEND Riggs slunk out of the Sixties, 
like me, with a nice little marijuana habit 
as part of his baggage, and though he 
has always considered it a fairly benign 
addiction, he’s been forced lately to think 
it through in tougher, more particular 
terms. 

His ex-wife called him to say that their 
16-year-old son was smoking it pretty 
heavily and was generally stoned much 
too much of the time. She wanted to know 
if he wouldn't please talk to the kid on his 
next visit, maybe straighten him out a lit- 
Че bit. 

Riggs said he'd seen a moment like this 
coming from a long way off. He'd smoked 
his daily pot in front of his son from the 
time the kid was Бот till the marriage 
broke up, which was ten years. He says it 
never occurred to him that he ought to 
cheat the child out of certain fundamental 
truths: The sun rises in the east. Your 
father likes his weed. It’s the sort of hon- 
esty that also came out of the Sixties before 
we realized that telling the simple-minded 
truth can weave almost as tangled а web as 
lying. 
"m not sorry I was open with the kid 
about it,” Riggs told me. "But I knew I 
was їп a little trouble with the whole the- 
огу one day—he was seyen—when I fired 
up, leaned back and he said to me, ‘Dad, 
could I have a hit off your joint? It won't 
be my first” 

Riggs told him no and tried to be calm. 
“Seven,” he said, holding up that many 
fingers. Then he said something that was 
his father talking and his father’s father, 
which made him feel stupid and connected 
down the generations at the same time. 
“When you're 18, we'll have one together. 
Till then, L don't want you fooling with 
JE 


Riggs and I talked about the whole 
thing not long before he made the trip to 
sec his son, and the question we wrestled 
with wasn't so much what to tell the kid as 
what we're telling ourselves these days 
about our several addictions. 

Nobody, including the scientists, knows 
much about the why of habits like these, It 
turns out to be very elusive stuff, and 
though they're chasing some interesting 
new microclues, the last big study I saw 
went through hundreds of pages, through 
hundreds of subjects, trying to find some- 
thing common among addictive personal 
ties, and for all the hard work, its 
conclusion can pretty much be put this 
way: Some people are just like that. 

In fact, Riggs and I decided, there are 
entire groups that are like that. Athletes, 
for instance—at least, the ones Гус known 
well. Most of them, not some. Of the 
climbers, skiers, hang-gliders, surfers and 
white-water daredevils—the most gifted 


AMAA 


WRESTLING WITH 
THE MONKEY 


"ле as the straight world 
lives it is more painful to 
them than if you'd torn 
their thumbs off.’ ” 


sportsmen 1 know—most have abused 
whiskey or pot or acid or cocaine with the 
same intensity they bring to their sports. 

I don’t know any baseball, basketball or 
football players well, but T have friends 
who do, and the locker-room bruit 1 get 
from them adds up to the same thing. A 
sportswriter I know likes to tell the story 
about the first time he wore his pass into a 
major-league clubhouse. He was young 
and very excited, and as he went through 
the door, the first person he saw, an out- 
fielder hero of his, looked up from the 
bench he was sitting on and said, “Hey, 
kid. You got any speed?” 

It’s not real surprising that the neckties 
who own and run professional sports talk 
about "a few bad apples" and ima 
urine tests to be a solution, but that’s 
twaddle—unless you believe that any опе 


of them would have taken the bat out of 
Babe Ruth's hands and benched him 
because he drank too much. 

Riggs and I traded stories about guys 
we knew who ate acid and then muscled 
up 5.11 cracks in Yosemite, in tennis shoes, 
at night; about a man who went down to 
Peru, strapped on his skis and ran through 
the waps at world-record speed with a 
head full of mushrooms. They weren't 
doing it to overcome their fear, either —the 
opposite, sometimes. They did it to 
sharpen the edge that had grown dull for 
them, to get it back the way they had had 
it when they were rookies. It wasn't trou- 
ble and danger they were trying to escape. 
lt was the ordi 
ife as the straight world lives it is more 
inful to them than if you'd torn their 
thumbs off” Riggs put 

Some people are just like that. 
what did you tell your soi 
when Riggs got back from his trip. 

“мей,” he said, “һе denied he had a 
problem, of course. So Í said, “ОК, let's say 
you had а habit, like I have a habit, and 
let's say you asked me what to do about it. 
Гуе thought about this, worked up a little 
speech, and I hate to waste it even if Pm 
delivering it to myself as much as you. So 
here it is. All the drinkers and dopers I’ve 
known can be put into two groups: those 
who struggle against their monkey and 
those who give in to it. The ones who 
struggle usually do all right. The ones 
who don't get eaten up. That's it. " 


45 


William Tecumseh Sherman 


Announcing 


THE NATIONAL HISTORICAL SOCIETY 


CIVIL WAR CHESS SET 


Richly detailed portrait sculptures of great American heroes 
—in solid pewter, solid brass and fine enamels. 
A heirloom chess set to be enjoyed for generations. 
Created by the world-famous craftsmen of The Franklin Mint. 


THE NATIONAL HISTORICAL SOCIETY is 
dedicated to bringing the excitement and 
power of American history — аз well as its 
significance—to people in every part of 
the land. 

It is in keeping with this purpose that 
the Society is about to issue its own Civil 
War Chess Set. A dramatic tribute to the 
heroes of both North and South—and a 
work all the more intriguing because the 
playing pieces include richly detailed 
three-dimensional portrait sculptures of 
the great Generals of Union and Conted- 
eracy, captured for the ages in solid pew- 
ter, solid brass and fine enamels. 


Major General 


BISHOP 


Ceneral in Chief 
Ulysses S. Grant 


KING 


‘This extraordinary new chess set will be 
crafted to the highest standards of quality 
and historical authenticity. The National 
Historical Society has appointed The 
Franklin Mint to create the sculptures, 
each of which will be a new and original 
design. Some figures will be shown stand- 
ing, some seated, some kneeling, some 
mounted on horseback. And each figure 
will be painstakingly crafted of solid pew- 
ter, hand-finished, then set atop a solid 
brass pedestal base embellished with а cir- 
cular band of richly colored enamel—blue 
for the soldiers of the North, gray for 
those of the South. 


Every sculpture, moreover, will be so 
rich with authentic detail that only the 
artists and master craftsmen of The Frank- 
lin Mint, steeped as they are in the tradi- 
tion of precision coinage, could have 
achieved it. Indeed, every nuance of facial 
expression, uniform and weaponry— right 
down to the buttons, braiding, sabers and 
carbines —will be depicted with meticu- 
lous accuracy. 

Thus, The National Historical Society 
Civil War Chess Set is also a magnificent 
collection. A triumphant achievement of 
portrait sculpture—and the ultimate іп 
micro-detailed miniaturization. 


ALL FICURES SHOWN ACTUAL SIZE. 


Major General 
JEB. Stuart 


KNIGHT 


General in Chief 
Robert Е. Lee 


KING 


Available only by direct subscrij 


ion. Issue Price: $17.50 per sculptured chess piece. 


Limit: One complete set per subscriber. Please enter your subscription by October 31, 1984. 


А dramatic showpiece 
for your home or office 


The chessmen themselves are scaled so 
that each one will suit the function as- 
signed to it in the game of chess. And the 
handsomely crafted, pewter-finished play- 
ing board has been sized with equal care. 
Specially fitted, to also serve as the cover 
for the case which will house all 32 playing 
pieces, the board completes a presentation 
so attractive that the chess set will be 
played and displayed with pride and satis- 
faction. A Certificate of Authenticity, and 
specially written reference materials, will 
also be provided. 

Exhibited on a table or cabinet in your 
living room, family тоот, den or office, 
this is a possession certain to evoke both 
admiration and respect from all who see it. 
A unique tribute to unique Americans. A 
work of heirloom quality, that will bring 
you endless pleasure through the years. 
And a chess set eminently worthy of being 
passed on from generation to generation. 

The subscription rolls are now open. 
The work may be obtained only by direct 

ion, with a limit of one complete 
set per subscriber. 


‘This handsome pewter-finished chessboard and fitted presentation case will be provided as part of the set. 


"The chessmen will be issued to you at 
the attractive price of $17.50 each, with 
the specially designed playing board and 
protective case provided at no additional 
charge. As a subscriber, you will receive 
two sculptured pieces every other month. 
You will, however, be billed for only one 
chessman at a time—a total of just $17.50 
per month. In addition, you will have the 
option to complete your set earlier, if you 
wish—but you will be under no obligation 
to do so. 

Here, then, is a work that will bri 
lasting pleasure to chess enthusiasts, his- 
tory buffs, collectors of military minia- 
tures—to anyone who appreciates our 
nation’s heritage. Indeed, it is an unmis- 
takably American chess set, that will make 
a dramatic addition to any room. And an 
exciting showpiece that will be displayed, 
enjoyed and treasured by each succeed- 
ing generation. 


To acquire The National Historical Soci- 
ety Civil War Chess Set, no advance pay- 
ment is required. But please note that the 
accompanying Subscription Application is 
dated and should be returned postmarked 
by October 31, 1984. 


м 
SUBSCRIPTION APPLICATION" 


‘The National Historical Society 
CIVIL WAR CHESS SET 
Please mail by October 31, 1984. 


‘The National Historical Society 
c/o The Franklin Mint 
Franklin Center, Pennsylvania 19091 


Please enter my subscription for The National 
Historical Society Civil War Chess Set, consist- 
ing of 32 chessmen. 

1 need send no money now. Г will receive 
two new playing pieces every other month, 
but will be billed for just one piece at a time— 
517.50" per month—beginning when my 

be sent. I will receive 

case and pewter- 

finished chess board at по additional charge. 
"Plus my state sales tax and 550 

per chessman for shipping and handling. 


Signature. 


State, Zip. 


Limit: One complete set per subscriber. 
258 


Liberty's head was displayed at the Paris 
Universal Exhibition of 1878. Visitor admis- 
sions helped pay for construction of the rest of 


the statue. 


Cuber Раше 


WERE PLEDGING MILLIONS 
TO HELP А LADY IN DISTRESS. 


She's fallen on hard times. 
But all America is rushing to 
Вет rescue. Feople ате digging 
deep into their pockets to 
provide the millions of dollars it 
will take to restore the Statue 
of Liberty in time for her 
hundredth birthday in 1986. 

A number of major U.S. 
companies have volunteered 
their help. The Stroh Brewery, 
Company is proud to be one 
of them. 

On Saturday, October 13, 
1984, we'll sponsor a 5-mile 
*Stroh's Run for Liberty” in 
over 120 cities across the U.S. 
A portion of every runner's 
entry fee will be donated to 
the fund for restoring the 
Statue of Lil 
and neighboring Ellis Island. 

We have a special reason 
for wanting to be part of this 
great national undertaking. 

Bernhard Stroh built a 
small brewhouse in Detroit 
in 1850, bringing from 
Europe a family brewing 
tradition already generations 
old. ‘Today's Stroh Brewery 
Company is still family-owned. 
But we've become the third- 
largest brewer in America. 

The way we see it, Stroh 
is living proof of the fulfill- 
ment of the promise Liberty 
stands for 


People like you and companies 
like Stroh will raise $230,060,000 
to restore Liberty. 


© 1984, The Stroh Brewer) Company Dare 


ға Let's make sure America's 
ҚТ best-loved lady is decked out іп 
% her very best for her birthday. 
у The Stroh Brewery Сот- 
pany brews Stroh’s, Schaefer, 
Old Milwaukee, Schlitz, 
Schlitz Malt Liquor and other 
fine beers. 


- STROH 


We haven't lost 
the family touch. 


$ЕХ МЕМ/$ 


ONE DAY last summer, a very pretty foot was 
sticking out of a car window in the VIP 
parking lot just after the Chicago Cubs 
had won their first double-header in 
almost four years. A well-oiled fan gently 
cd it as he waddled by and noted, 
“Nice foot.” 

It was a better day for Cubs fans than 
many of them may have realized. The 
appendage in question was and is attached 
to the more widely acclaimed corpus 
proper of Seka, a-k.a. the Platinum Prin- 
cess, star of such erotic cla: as Lust at 
First Bite, Inside Seka and, recently, Sunny 
Days. She's a baseball fan, for God's sake. 

Seka is not your average down-at-the- 
heels porn actress. She markets her own 
line of erotic products (Pearl Productions, 
Ltd., 664 North Michigan Ауспие, Svite 
1010, Chicago, Illinois 60611). Most of all, 
shc is a bona fide video phenomenon— 
just like Boy George and sterco television. 

As she explains it, Seka experienced the 
transcendent financial pleasure of being in 
the right place at the right time. She 
starred in a group of films produced by 
Caballero Control when the home-video 
market began to boom, about five years 
ago. Caballero unleashed nearly all of its 
titles on the video market and, suddenly— 
in video stores, at least—Scka’s films out- 
numbered those by Marilyn Chambers 
and other sex deities by a wide margin. 

At the same time, maintains Seka, 
another pertinent phenomenon was in the 
budding stage: Women had begun to rent 
and buy erotic videos. While no one seems 
to keep track of those sales figures, Jimn 
Johnson, president of the Adult Film Asso- 
ciation of America, claims that women 
have formed a substantial chunk of the 
porn audience since the mid-Sixties. John- 
son did a marketing survey of his own Cal- 
ifornia theater chain, Pussycat Theaters, 
and found that more than half of his cus- 
tomers were couples. He claims that 
female viewership was way up last year for 
the theatrical release of Talk Dirty to Me, 
directed by Sam Westin, whose first flash 
of fame came from producing the award- 
winning nonerotic film One Potato, Two 
Potato in the Sixties. Our own informal 
poll of video-rental outlets revealed that 
both women alone and couples are renting 
video porn in substantial numbers. Female 
rental clerks said that female customers 
often ask them to suggest titles. Male porn 
stars Jamie John Leslie and Richard 
Pacheco draw huge female crowds at per- 
sonal appearances, and Scka claims that 
40 percent of her fan mail comes from 
women, usually asking for advice. One 
point on which porn-industry insiders 
agree is that producers of erotica would be 
fools to ignore the female market today. 

That's why Seka is exploring а new genre 
of film—crotica that is made to appeal to 
women. Her title role in Sunny Days is her 
first attempt to reach а female audience. 


DAUGHTER 
OF THE VIDEO 
REVOLUTION 


According to erotic-cinema owners 
these days, sex is a four-letter word: 
Seka. Her name on a marquee 
guarantees profits. Meanwhile, her 
films, videos and erotic products 
reap a six-figure annual income. 
Now she's out to swell that figure 
by proving that girls just wanna 
have fun ... and porn. 


She'll soon produce her own feature, ten- 
tatively titled Goodbye, Dolly. 

When we invited her to talk about her 
new projects, Scka arrived looking less like 
а porn star than like the Presbyterian- 
church-league pitcher she once was. The 
trademark Harlow-colored hair had been 
cropped short and sat like а perky 
meringue above her nue's face. She 
has very pretty cars and hands and, as the 
Cubs noticed, nice feet. She looked 
slender and bo: striped peg pants, 
but her lucrative curves showed as the 
stripes curled around a firm set of buttocks 
and angled drastically toward a firm and 
narrow midsection, above which her 
ample bosom projected memorably. She 


wore a safari shirt. No lace. No garters. 
18 not surprising that the first female 
touch in Sunny Days (which boasts a 
female producer) that Scka mentioned was 
the everyday clothes worn by the actresses. 
“Тһе women aren't little Barbie dolls run- 
ning around in garter belts and nylons. 
‘They wear jeans and shirts—like the 
next door. "There's more realism in this 
film than in any Гус seen in a long time. 
And that adds to the fantasy, because it 
g that is not outside the 


The realm of possibility may interest 
some women, but others would lock up all 
erotica for its sexual politics. Seka says 


had the upper hand in erotic films for a 
long time, but that’s really changing with 
the presence of female producers and 
directors. ‘The antiporn groups seem to be 


made up of women who simply don’t 
understand sexuality. They don't under- 
stand the concept of being turned on men- 
tally. I don’t think they're. aware of 
themselves sexually.” 

Maybe that's truc. Maybe Scka and 
Women Against Porn arc pursuing the 
same end—a comfortable sexual atmos- 
phere for both sexes 

“Women in porn can't be dummics any- 
more,” Seka said, explaining how the 
female image is changing in porn films. 
“They know how to please themselves not 
only sexually but in their nonerotic onscreen 
lives as well. You get a whole person—not 
just а body. That appeals to me and to 
other women. It appeals to men, too.” 

Wasn't there some risk, we wondered, 
that if films appealed to women too specif- 
ically, their partners might prefer to watch 
a baseball game? 

Echoing what the sex experts say about 
female sex fantasies, Seka agreed that the 
difference between male and female erotic 
tastes boils down to the fact that women 
want to see а story, while men can get off 
on wall-to-wall-sex films. 

“Гус made some of those films," she 
said. “№ beginning, middle or end—just 
hello, how are you, let's fool around. That 
type of film doesn't do anything for me.” 
But men are not so limited, she added. 
Many are excited by the very fact that а 
woman can pick out a porn vidco. 

“А couple can watch it together and the 
man will get off on it because the woman is 
getting off on it,” she said. And that's how 
Seka envisions her films’ being used—by 
couples who want to be turned on together. 

“The highest compliment I get is from 
the fan who says, ‘I liked that film and it 
was very good—but it took us three days 
to finish watching it.” ” 

Lets hear it for the muse button. EJ 


49 


9 
> PERS eS 


Sti te 


THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 


Wo the past two weekends, my friend and I 
have experienced something different in 
our lives. In search of beautiful women, we 
have come to find that many of them shop 
in large malls on the weekends. Many 
shop alone and dress in very expensive 
clothing. Our first question is, Do you feel 
that these women are locking for men in 
these malls—or do they have a look-but- 
don't-touch attitude? The second question 
is, How do we go about asking ош one of 
them without her being afraid of being 
asked by a total stranger?—B. F., Ever- 
green, Colorado. 

Some of those women are undoubtedly in 
the malls strictly for shopping, whereas some 
may be interested in checking out the men. 
There's only one way to find out, and that 
must be handled fairly delicately, You might 
try asking а woman’s opinion on а particular 
item т а store. Shoppers do have to eat, and 
you might be able to strike up а conversation 
with one of the fairer sex in à restaurant or 
café on the premises. In any event, stop gup- 
ing and invite her to a midnight screening of 
“Dawn of the Dead." It's а light romantic 
comedy set in a shopping mall. 


МАЛ... makes а new car smell ke а 
g about the 
harmful?— 


new car, and is there anytl 
odor thats potentially 
С. N., Deerfield, Illinois. 

That new-car smell is a combination of 
odors given off by the materials—plastics, 
vinyls, solvents, sealers, adhesives, upholstery 
and carpeting fabrics—used in the сауу inte- 
rior. (Today's luxury-car leather interiors, of 
course, have their own sweet essence.) When 
those materials are new, they give off minute 
particles that the human nose is sensitive 
enough to notice. And, no, they're not harm- 
ful; rumors to thal effect that surfaced a few 
years ago were proved definitely false. We 
recall that distinctive smell from our youth as 
part of the thrill of a brand-new car, und it 
seemed to last for months. Nowadays, with the 
selection of materials available to interior 
designers growing more sophisticated, a new 
car's smell is weaker and, unfortunately, is 
soon replaced by essence of cigarette smoke, 
dripped ice cream and spilled beer. About all 
ше notice anymore in our press-test cars is the 
stench left by some cigar-smoking wretch who 
always seems to drive them before we do. To 
keep your car's interior smelling fresh, clean 
up anything that’s spilled right away, crack a 
window for extra ventilation if you smoke and 
(as we learned in college) never make love on 
the seat and leave the car out in the sun the 
next day. 


LESS day, I saw a video tape of a 
porn movie that showed the first new sex 
tick Гус seen in years. At an orgy, the 


men tock foot-long strips of adhesive tape 
and applied them to different parts of a 
woman’s body: along the thigh and on 
either side of her breast. Then, as she 
approached orgasm, they pulled the tape 
aff, cansing her то writhe in есегасу or pain 
or both. Probably the best thing about the 
scene was the suspense—you knew they 
were going to pull off the tape; you just 
idn't know when. I'd like to try it; but, 
just to be on the safe side, is it danger- 
‘ous?—J. R., San Francisco, California. 

You survived childhood, didn't you? As for 
the suspense, you left out the crucial fact— 
whether to pull it off fast or slowly. 


FRecently, 1 bought a pair of what the 
audio industry jokingly calls bookshelf- 
sized speakers. They ате 2'x2'x | 
and weigh more than 25 pounds each 
Even if | had space on my already 
crowded bookshelves, | would not put 
them there, because they probably would 
cause sagging, or worse. On the other 
hand, | cannot abide their appearance 
simply plunked down on the floor. Some- 
one has suggested putting them on small 
stands; someone else advises suspending 
them from the ceiling. Which of those 
methods do you prefer and why?—A. P., 
Boston, Massachusetts. 

It is obvious that the normal bookshelf is 
not the most appropriate place for the kind of 
speakers you own. Those speakers were never 
intended to be plunked right down on the 
floor, either. Aside from visual considera- 
tions, they sound better when raised off the 
floor. For one thing, the bass can become 
overly heavy when such a speaker is placed on 
the floor (or very close to any large reflecting 


surface). For another, the treble dispersion is 
improved when the speaker is raised. Finally, 
if you have neighbors downstairs, there is far 
less chance of thumping noises from your 
speakers annoying them if the speakers are 
raised. For том rooms, raising such speakers 
by placing them on pedestals or low benches is 
the best solution. Suspending them from the 
ceiling is also a good trick, but use heavy-duty 
chains, the same kind you would use for 
hanging а heavy light fixture or chandelier. 
Make sure that your ceiling will securely hold 
whatever bolts or screw hooks you use for 
hanging the chains. Whether you suspend the 
speakers or mount them on stands, position 
them so that the distances between them and 
the floor and the ceiling are not the same— 
unequal distances are better for the sound. 
You also should check the owner's manual for 
any recommendation about aiming them 
toward the main listening area, which is more 
easily done with speakers on stands than with 
them hung from the ceiling. 


W sould ше ashor ax teling how a man 
should go about making love to a big- 
breasted woman. If the woman is 
experienced—and most big-breasted 
women are, because men tend to choose 
them out of the field of possibilities—then 
you have the other men’s way of dealing 
with her to overcome. Most men give a lew 
kisses and jump for the breasts. The true 
answer is to leave them alone: Work on 
loving her back, her ankles, her kneecape, 
her shoulders, her ear lohes—any place 
but the breasts and never the nipples 
Why? Because that area has been used and 
abused—let it rest. А woman likes the 
tender touch; when foreplay is into five 
play—when the inside of the thigh is 
warm to the touch—then the breast may 
be approached, tenderly, finger tips first, 
caressing, drawing lines from the outer 
edge of the breast toward the nipple. Don’t 
touch the nipple yet. Never grab it like a 
joy stick. Nibbling, kissing, sucking are 
fine, but leave the nipples alone. Finally, 
оп seven or cight play, the nipples are 
touched and kissed and sucked — 
A. E. R., Youngtown, Arizona, 

Thanks for the helpful hints: Yours 
appears to be а sound strategy, in theory. 
However, don't overlook the fact that every 
woman, regardless of her assets, has her oum 
preferences in the pleasuring department. 


Я rasenily, (ту; morning: regimen 
included a leisurely roll out of bed and a 
blurry scan of the moming newspaper 
over а cup of coffee. But now I've seen the 
light and I intend to spring out of bed and, 

ler a few stretching exercises, hit the 
road for a mile or two of jogging. The trou- 
ble is, 1 don’t feel too springy early in the 
morning unless I've had а cup of collee. 
Somehow, a fitness program and 
shot of caffeine don't seem compatible. Is 


51 


PLAYBOY 


52 


there any reason 1 can't indulge myself 
before exercising? —M. P., Boston, Massa- 
chusctts. 

The fact is, coffee has been used in athletic- 
training programs both in the US. and 
abroad. Some athletes feel that it improves 
their performance and makes training easier. 
But most of those people ате in pretty good 
shape to begin with. Remember that caffeine 
is an artificial stimulant. As such, it is likely 
to make you think you can do more than you 
actually can. It masks fatigue just when you 
need to be aware of it. It can also play havoc 
with your digestive tract and give your nerv- 
ous system a good jogging, too. Why not try to 
jog without it for a while? It could be that you 
simply have a minor addiction to the stuff 
rather than а real need for it. Let your adre- 
nal glands provide the kick you need. The 
point of exercising is to get your body lo the 
point where it works well naturally. Adding 
stimulants defeats that purpose 


WI, wite and Г are having an argument, 
and I hope you can help clear it ир. She 
loves cunnilingus, but ever since Í have 
been doing it, she says that the stomach 
contractions she experiences when she 
in the process of coming make her stomach 
fat. 1 say that is ridiculous and that, if any- 
thing, the contractions should act as a 
stomach tightener. The upshot is that she 
lets me perform oral sex on her only about 
once а month, leaving both of us unhap- 
py.—W- R., Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. 

You're right—an active sex life may aciu 
ally help tone the pelvic and stomach muscles 
but certainly will not add inches to the waist- 
line. If your wife is concerned about that part 
of her body, it’s possible that she needs to start 
an exercise program andlor lose some weight. 
One thing is for sure: Being sexually active is 
пой the cause. 


Most of the small computers on the 
market seem to me to be pretty much the 
same, at least in their basic operation— 
апаа good deal of the software is the same 
or interchangeable. So how do 1 go about 
making a decision as 10 what is best for 
mc?—4A. P., Norman, Oklahoma. 

You're right. When the basics are the same, 
the differences become much more important. 
When it gets down to a choice between two 
machines, you may want to consider two 
other factors: ergonomics and cosmetics. Er- 
gonomics is the relationship between your 
body and the machine—essentially, how well 
they work together. Naturally, you want a 
machine that is comfortable to use. Your key- 
board, for instance, must be easy lo type on for 
long periods of time. Small keyboards with 
funny-looking keys may cramp more than 
your style. The feel of the keys, too, is impor- 
tant. You will have to decide if you want a 
soft, mushy feel, a sharp, clicky feel or no feel 
at all. Your keyboard should also be the best 
Jor your purpose. For example. if you're going 
to work a lot with numbers, you would prefer 
a numerical keypad rather than the normal 
typewriter style. Your screen should also be 


comfortable to waich. It should be adjustable 
so that you don't have to crane your neck to 
see it and so you can vary ils position to avoid 
fatigue. You should also like what you see on 
the screen. That means a clear, readable type- 
Jace. You're going to be staring at it for some 
lime to come. You should also like the typeface 
of your printer. H's possible that you can get a 
better-quality type with a printer different 
from the one usually “bundled” with the 
machine. Finally, you should like the over-all 
look of the machine. Your setup should be as 
pleasing to the eye as и is to your body for 
maximum enjoyment. 


ike a tot of people, Ст having sexual 
problems. ГИ skip the bullshit and get to 
cach point. 

Im a woman who's bored with her sex 
life. “So what else is пем?” you ask. 1 
know what I want sexually, but how do 1 
get it without reading a dozen sex manuals 
that won't tell me а damn thing? I've got a 
growing hunger for group sex—from а 
group of three to a full-on, heavy-breathin’ 
orgy. Гуе expressed my desire for it, but 
my boyfriend doesn’t really understand 
why. Нез never seen this side of me—and 
to tell you the truth, no one hes. Not even 
me. I'm 19; so is my boyfriend. We've been 
living together for seven months, and he’s 
only seen the “sweet, innocent” me. Our 
igh school sex—kissing, 
touching, fondling, cunnilingus, fellatio 
and intercourse. That may be fine for 
some, but for me, it’s boring! I've been 
having these crazy dreams, too—recently, 
Ive been dreaming of a ménage à trais with 
my boyfriend and one of his two friends 
who keep popping up in my dreams. Occa- 
sionally, it's а dream about a group of 
friends, and 1 engage in sex with females 
as well as males. All day at work, I think, 
Something will come of it tonight, but it 
never happens. Then 1 found out my boy- 
friend's best friend had a dream in which 
he got together with me—and I had had a 
dream in which 1 got together with him. 
He didn't tell me directly; he was sort of 
freaked, because the first time it hap- 
pened, Г told him he'd been in my dream. 
That was my first dream of the cycle; now, 
every night, it’s the same message, differ- 
ent plot. The strange thing was, one morn- 
ing, when I saw him, he looked at me as 
never before; he acted the same as always, 
but Г could read it in his eyes—there was 
no doubt. Neither was there any doubt 
about the look in my eyes. My boyfriend 
didn't know of this visual exchange; and 
that night, when 1 came home, they were 
both here, watching basketball, and the 
look in his friend's (my friend, too) eyes 
was still the same. My desire was equal to 
that look. So 1 jumped into а hot bubble 
bath; my boyfriend always jumps in with 
me and this time, he invited his friend to 
j but, hesitant- 


My boyfriend says he wants sex with me 
and another female. I've said sure. It's just 
that I don't know any willing females— 


not in this state, But in the meantime, 1 
have an opportunity to have sex with two 
males. What more can I say to convi 
boyfriend that it's purely sexual desire, 
< not emotional and it's nothing to feel 
guilt or doubt about if I have sex with two 
males? And what can I do to get his friend 
to comply? I know he wants to, but could 
it be he's afraid he'll screw up their 
friendship? Can you tell me how or g 
me advice—please?—Miss S. K. L., 
Sausalito, California. 

We think your boyfriend is more liberated 
than you give him credit for being. Inviting 
his friend to join you in the bathtub shows 
that his mind is working in the same direction 
as yours. The only way you can get what you 
want sexually is by asking for it. Quit relying 
on the look in your eyes. People aren't always 
as perceptive as you think they are. 


Bim at my vits end. No matter what 1 
try, my girlfriend does not reach orgasm 
through intercourse. Is it my problem?— 
E. W., New York, New York. 

Not really. An orgasm is not something you 
give another person. It is something the other 
person shares with you. Or, to put it another 
way, God helps those who heip themselves. 
The April 1984 issue of Archives of Sexual 
Behavior published an interesting study on 
orgasmic women that supports that notion. 
Virtually all of the women studied said that 
they had “some level of conscious control over 
their orgasmic response” and that “they 
needed to participate in. reaching orgasm in 
some meaningful way." When asked to cite 
the actions that facilitated their oum orgasm, 
the women gave the following suggestions: 
Get into right position (56 percent); get 
right stimulation (52 percent); concentrate 
on sensation! good feelings (48 percent); 
fantasizelvisualize, including talk (44 per- 
cent); get right rhythmlspeed (33 percent); 
concentrate on атса of stimulation (30 рет- 
cent); listen to partnerlself for reassurance 
(30 percent); move with partner (30 per- 
cent); relax (30 percent); tell partner what 
you want (26 percent), kiss/hug (15 percent); 
think about experiencing orgasm (15 per- 
cent). In addition, a few women cited “decide 
1o reach orgasm, breathe faster or deeper, flex 
vaginal muscles, stimulate partner, stimulate 
self during intercourse." (Note: In the list, 
“right” means what the woman thinks or 
knows will produce orgasm for her.) So the 
point is that your partner should find out 
what works and use it. 


All reasonable questions—from fashion, 
food and drink, stereo and sports cars to dating 
problems, laste and etiquette—will be person- 
ally answered if the writer includes a stamped, 
self-addressed envelope, Send all letters to The 
Playboy Advisor, Playboy Building, 919 М. 
Michigan Avenue, Chicago, Illinois 60611. 
The most provocative, pertinent queries 
will be presented on these pages each month. 


Alive with pleasure! 


ewport 


After all, 
if smoking isn’t a pleasure, 
why bother? 


6 
(соз | MENTHOL KING 
MENTHOL 


Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined 
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health. 


“First switched to rum. 
Then I graduated to the flavor of 
Myerss Original Dark’ 


"If you've grown to appreciate the finer 
things i in life, you'll welcome the difference 
in Myerss Original Dark, the world’s finest 
Jamaican rum. 

The flavor is deep, rich and adventurous... 
pleasingly dry. Because Myerss takes the 

5 time to make it that way...following the same 
< high standards they set in 1879. And what 
Myerss flavor does for the juice of the orange 
is nothing short of wondrous. 

You'll see, once you graduate to the flavor 
of Original Dark, there's just no turning back.” 

IN JAMAICA... MYERS'S MAKES RUM. 
FROM THE MYERS'S COLLECTION 
OFJAMAICAN RUMS. 


B. 


MYERS'S RUM. 80 PROOF IMPORTED AND BOTTLED BY THE FRED L. MYERS & SON CO., BALTIMORE, MD. 


DEAR PLAYMATES 


М remember the old expression “Talk 
is cheap," don't you? Well, that may be 
especially true when youre tying to 
romance a woman. It seems that most 
women these days have heard all the good 
lines. We asked our Playmate advisors to 
tell us how they separate the phonies from 
the genuine articles 

Тһе question for the month: 


How can a man convince you that he 
really loves you? 


W necd romance and gestures to convince 
me. He can tell me, he can call me, he can 
send flowers, he can show little kindnesses. 
Once, a guy 
slept оп my 
front doorstep 
to prove to me 
that he loved 
me, and the 
next morning, 1 
must admit 1 
was convinced. 
] let him in. I 
believed he was 
through with a 
former lover. 
50 what could 1 
say? I said, "Good morning—and don't 
forget the newspaper." That was pretty 
romantic, don't you think? 


iuncto Muha 


LORRAINE MICHAI 
APRIL 1981 


H: can convince me by accepting me as 
1 am, and that includes being bitchy, 
moody and not always perfectly put 
together. There 
are days when 
Fm just a 
country girl 
I get pleasure 
out cf sitting 
on thc back 
porch with my 
legs open, you 
know? Thosc 
are my roots. 
The performer, 
Playmate side 
of me is there, 
too, but not always. Г want to be free 
п the confines of a relationship. | 
realize that's difficult, so 1 need а very 
secure individual. 


Art 


AZIZI JOHARI 


Ні. can’t do it with words, but he can do 

with his behavior. He can impress me 
with his seriousness by sending me flow- 
ers, writing me poems, thinking of really 
ly 


romantic things 10 do. I'm not espec 
impressed by 
material things, 
but I am im- 
pressed by the 
way a man 
treats me in 
front of other 
people. 1 also 
think 1 can tell 
about a man's 
real feelings by 
the way he acts 
sexually or by 
what his eyes 
say to me. The convincing comes from all 
kinds of behavior, not from anything in 
particular. It would come from something 


I sensed about his feelings. 


ALANA SOARES 
MARCH 1983 


fat 


НН. can convince me he loves me by not 
being jealous. He can convince me by let- 
ting me be my own person and helping me 
be my own per- 

son. See, it's 
kind of tricky. 
In the first few 
months of a re- 
lationship, no- 
body wants any 
freedom. You're 
100 wrapped ир 
in the newness 
and the thrill 
Then, all of 
a sudden, you 
may wake up 
and say, "| want to go to Acapulco 
with my girlfriends,’ and he says no, 
because you never said that to him be- 
Юге. He has to trust you and you have to 
trust him. If he doesn’t, who is he in love 
with, anyway? 


el 


TRACY VACCARO 
OCTOBER 1983 


Ios tell me that you love me all the 
time. That actually bothers me. Show 
me instead. How? By trying to get to 
know me, by being interested in me. 1 
haven't been 

in love very of 
ten, As I get oid- 
er, I'm finding 
out more about 
love. It goes 
both ways: He 
accepts you; 
you accept him. 
You have to 
talk about ev- 
erything and 
have common 
interests. I like 
attention, flowers and litle cards, for 
instance. But 1 don't like the word con- 
vince. If it's love, then great, let's go for it. 
I don't think love needs “convincing.” 


ua TR 
71 MARLENE JANSSEN 


Т. best way to prove your love for me is 
by being monogamous. It's perfectly OK 
to look—it would be unnatural not to— 
but be faithful ro me. ГА much rather have 
a man show mc 
he loves me 
than tell me. 
We don't have 
10 sit down and 
make a lot of 
rules, such as 
“Pm not going 
to date anyone 
else.” We just 
don’t date any- 
one clsc. I treat 
him the way I 
nt to be 
treated, and vice versa. I never stop trying 
to keep the relationship fresh, and 1 hope 
he'll be working to bring new things to the 
relationship, too. 


NOVEMBER 1982 


SUSIE SCOTT 
MAY 1983 


Send your questions to Dear Playmates, 
Playboy Building, 919 North Michigan Ave- 
пие, Chicago, Illinois 60611. We won't be 
able to answer every question, but we'll try. 


New Technics Cassette Decks. 


With dbx and Auto-Reverse | 
They eliminate tape noise completely 
And play both sides automatically 


A remarkable achievement: developing a line of 
Stereo cassette decks that give you more than the 
total noise elimination of dbx. They also give you the 
luxury of auto-reverse. So with Technics, your music 
is more than dramatically clean. It's also beautifully 
continuous. And Technics goes on from there. 

Direct Music Search (DMS] allows you to program 
the deck. To play any selection on either side of the 
tape. Automatically. 

And no matter which noise reduction system your 
tapes are encoded with, Technics can handle them. 


&& dbx в a registered trademark of dbx. Inc 
ж Dolby isa trademark of Dolby Laboratories. 


Because in addition to dbx, you get Dolby* B and C. 

You get the stability and accuracy only a two-motor 
drive system can provide. Microprocessor feather-touch 
control buttons give you fast, easy switching between 
functions such as play, stop, rewind, Bias and EQ levels 
are automatically set for any type of tape. From normal 
to chrome to metal. There are three-color, wide-range 
FL meters for precision sound monitoring. And more. 

So before you buy any cassette deck, make sure it 
measures up to Technics. 


Technics 


The science of sound 


THE PLAYBOY FORUM 


a continuing dialog on contemporary issues between playboy and its readers 


COMMUNICATIONS GAP 

Concerning rubbers (The Playboy Fo- 
тит, April and July): I'd be willing to face 
a woman any time I wanted to make a 
purchase—thanks to my first experience. 

My wife and I had been married just a 
month when we decided it was time for her 
to get off birth-control pills. We were out 
with some good friends of ours and got 
onto the subject of condoms. Having never 
had to buy any, I had zero experience in 
the matter. The four of us drove around 
town for an hour until I decided I had 
enough courage to go into a drugstore and 
make the purchase. 

At the counter were three women buy- 
ing this and that, and finally it was my 
turn. A male pharmacist said, “What do 
ya need?” 

I replied іп a soft voice, “ГА like to buy 
а box of condoms, please.” 

"What?" he said loudly. I raised my 
voice a little as 1 repeated my request. He 
looked me square in the eye and said, 
“What size?” 

Please remember, I had no knowledge of 
rubbers and did not know that they came 
in various sizes. I thought about it for a 
moment and tied to figure whether I 
needed small, medium or large. I 
shrugged and said, “Large, I guess” (what 
any healthy 20-year-old male would 
answer to that question, right?) He 
reached over to his left and handed me a 
large box of rubbers. I grabbed the box 
out of his grasp and rushed to the front 
counter to pay and leave. 

‘The cashier rang it up and said, 
“$19.50, please.” 

АП I had was five bucks. I looked at my 
buddy with a “You gotta do something 
fast” look. Fortunately, he had a 20 in his 
pocket. 1 snapped it from his fingers, threw 
it at the gal and took off. 

Had the man said, “What size box 
would you like?” I would have kept my 
cool, given a matter-of-fact response and 
been done with it. 

Scott Griffith 
Spokane, Washington 


THE RIGHT'5 WRONGS 

Тһе February Playboy Forum contains а 
humorous and somewhat htful letter 
from Jim Garcia of San Antonio concern- 
ing prayer in public schools. However, 
school prayer is only the first item on the 
New Rights educational agenda—one 
that is far from funny. 

The issue here is not prayer or 


creationism. It is a battle over who will 
control the minds of our children. Teach- 
ing students what to think, instead of how 
to think, is the real objective. For years, 
many New Right fanatics have tried to use 
censorship and harassment to eliminate 
questioning, comparison, use of logic and 
problem-solving processes. In their own 
schools, they use negative reinforcements 


“These are not the 
kinds of people I want 
teaching my kids or 
running my Government.” 


as part of their operant conditioning to 
cripple the decision-making process. 

The crisis in education is the fact that 
these people are actively working to sub- 
vert our school systems as we have known 
them for the past 200 years. If they are 
successful, the result will be an entire gen- 
eration of adults who will have faulty 
scientific information, rigid values inappli- 
cable to modern society and a false sense 
of righteous superiority. Otherwise, I 
agree wholeheartedly with Garcia. These 
are not the kinds of people [ want teaching 
my kids or running my Government. 

Mark Molello 
Denver, Colorado 


WAR ON DRUGS 

Lately, whenever I pick up a newspaper 
or а weekly magazine, 1 run across an arti- 
cle on the great success of another drug 
investigation and bust. Chalk one up for 
the war on drugs. 

1 am serving time on a marijuana 
charge. 1 ат considered a narcotics dealer, 
because marijuana is considered not a 
controlled substance but a narcotic. What 
does that mean to someone in the mari- 
juana business? Tt means “Why mess with 
such large bulk and smell if you can deal 
coke and you won't get any more time?" 
The profits are much higher and the 
chances of getting caught are fewer. Any 
businessman with sense secs that the 
choice is сагу. 

That's the real story of the “cocaine epi- 
demic” in this country. 

Тһе large exporters in South and Cen- 
tral America are arily planting coca 
and are not fooling with marijuana. The 
price of cocaine has been cut drastically in 
just the past year. Small planes that once 
carried ten to 50 pounds аге now being 
packed to gross weight of 500 to 1000 
pounds. The availability of cocaine and its 
price on the streets have never been so 
good 

So all of us parents can sleep well know- 
ing that our sons and daughters aren't 
smoking pot—they’re just doing a few 
lines or basing up a couple of grams. I’m 
sure glad the war on drugs has been so 
successful, 


(Name and address 
withheld by request) 


ZERO TOLERANCE 

A few thoughts about the “Zero Toler- 
ance" letters in the July Playboy Forum. 

The comment that too much money is 
spent to punish, demoralize and humiliate 
instead of rehabilitate is bullshit! There is 
an ongoing effort to rehab those who come 
forward and say, “I’m a drug abuser and I 
want help.” The only people who get pun- 
ished, demoralized or humiliated are the 
sneaky sons of bitches who think that they 
will never be caught but eventually are. As 
far as the poor training of some sailors is 
concerned, a reason for that may be drug 
abuse and the money that has to be spent 
first го combat that problem. 

Your Marine correspondent, who ad- 
mits that he does drugs, says, “I have 
watched many friends become victims of 
the zero-tolerance program." I'm sure he 
has if his friends’ conduct is like his own. 
His remaining in the Marines is due to 
the fact that the program is set up to 


57 


PLAYBOY 


have redundant testing to ensure that at 
least two independent positive results are 
achieved before a positive report is given. 

“The guy on the Enterprise is typical of 
those who get caught. The first words out 
of their mouths are “I never take drugs!” 
This soon becomes “I took drugs only 
once!" To be fair, the Navy's sampling 
methods are not foolproof—very few 
things in life are. I doubt that the percent- 
age of those falsely accused and punished 
by the Navy is any larger than the percent- 
age of those falsely accused and punished 
by civilian courts. 

‘To sum up: The word is out, sailors— 
the word is zero tolerance on drug abuse, 
and I think that the man is serious. Passive 
rehab doesn't work to eliminate drug 
abuse; it cures only those who come for- 
ward and want help. 

It takes only one positive result to let 
your shipmates know that vou aren't а 
shipmate—vyou're really an asshole who 
doesn't give a shit about their lives and 
can't be relied upon to do your job when it 
has to be done. 

John P. Murphy, MMI (ss) 
USS. George C. Marshall SSBN 654(g) 
FPO New York, New York 


ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER DOLLAR 

Last year, | earned a little more than 
$20,000. That isn't a large sum of money, 
but in my case, it was adequate and pro- 
vided my family with shelter, food, cloth- 
i mal evening out and а 
weekend vacation now and then. Thirteen 
years ago, when | began my working 
career, $20,000 seemed an incredible sum. 
I never dreamed that if 1 had that much 
money, | would actually have to worry 
about budgeting and having enough. 

Not only did I keep my family relatively 
comfortable last year, Г also contributed 
my share to the Government to throw into 
that graphic pie we always sce in textbooks 
or on the network news that helps us visu- 
alize how the U.S. can spend so many dol- 
lars in only 365 days. And, as you know, 
the Feds grind up money like so much 
wastepaper; but have you actually tried to 
ion dollars? 

A billion is 1,000,000,000. If you placed 
1000 millionaires in one room, took away 
their personal fortunes and gave them to 
the Government, you would have enough 
money to feed the Defense Department for 
a little more than а day—1000 million- 
aires going down the tube every day. So 
where does my $20,000 a. year fit in with. 
the tremendous glut of weaponry we arc 
creating? 

For the sake of analogy, assume that my 
ability to earn $20,000 a year is infinite. 
Assume further that Í am immortal and 
that I have the tenacity to work indcfi- 
nitely every year, forever. What could 1 
buy if I dumped all my income into buying 
weapons? How long would I have to work 
to rise above the level of mere Infantry 
gear, to call myself a possessor of formida- 
ble strategic armament? 


My Defense Department shopping list 
includes all manner and type of electronic 
gadgetry coupled with massive destructive 
force. If I wanted to apply my $20,000 а 
year to the purchase price of a Bradley 
Infantry fighting vehicle, which the Army 
is currently developing at a cost of 
$2,000,000 each, I would have to work 100 
years to buy just one. The Army is plan- 
ning to pick up 6882 of them. 

If 1 chose to work a bit longer, say 135 
years, 1 could buy one 60-ton МТ Abrams 
battle tank at $2,700,000. Or, if I really 
wanted to gut it out, Í could work 700 
years earning my basic $20,000 per and 
pick up one Apache attack helicopter at 
$14,000,000. 

True, the figures are staggering. But 


“If I chose to work 
135 years, I could 
buy one 60-ton 
Abrams battle tank.” 


think of the time in terms of human energy 
it takes to amass enough money to buy just 
опе of those “superweapons.” Imagine 
working at the office every day for 700 
years, dragging yourself home after retir- 
ing to present your family with the total 
fruit of your ycars of labor: an attack heli- 
copter! 

However, if you had some Methuselah 
in you, you could opt for the really big 
stuff. You could stay on awhile longer, and 
in 1125 years, you could buy an F/A Hor- 
net Navy fighter for $22,500,000 and buzz 
the neighborhood. And, for the truly 
immortal worker, one option is nearly irre- 
sistible. You could sign on for the 15,000- 
year plan and, $300,000,000 later, be the 
proud owner of a B-1 bomber. 

But it's cooperative effort that gets us 
what we really need. Grayling, Michigan, 
where I live, probably has 1000 working 
residents. All of us could dump our 
into a community pot, and 
instead of having one of us work for aeons, 
we could all work for several years, buy an 
aircraft carrier and put the town's name 
on it. 


incomes 


Michael Delp 
Grayling, Michigan 


KEEPING THE NOSE CLEAN 

I'm writing in response to the letter 
from Chauncey L. Greene in the February 
Playboy Forum. Ironically, when that issue 
came out, I was on an extended sojourn in 
Mexico. 

"The point of entry for my friend and me 
was Guadalajara, flying from Vancouver. 
We spent the whole time in southern Mex- 
ico, covering approximately 4200 miles. 
We never went near a border town or a 


tourist resort, and we found the Mexican 
people to be the nicest, most beautiful and 
friendliest people we've ever met. 

Mexico has, in the past, had a reputa- 
tion for corruption within the government; 
no one is denying that. The Mexicans real- 
ize this and are trying to do someth 
about it. Because it has been such a big 
problem for so long, it cannot be expected 
to be cleaned up in а matter of two or three 
years, but the people are making headway. 
Since the bottom fell out of the oil market, 
their economy is more dependent than 
ever on the tourist dollar. 

The “ugly Americans” who frequent the 
border towns and the resort areas are no 
more typical than the Mexicans who prey 
on them. I'm not, of course, implying that 
Greene is one of those; but these unfortu- 
nate incidents do still happen. All I'm say- 
ing is that the entire population shouldn't 
be condemned for the actions of a few. 

The best way to stay out of a Mexican 
jail (or a Canadian or a U.S. one, for that 
matter) is to keep your nose clean. 

Cameron C. McLean 
Campbell Rivers, British Columbia 


DEPARTMENT OF AMPLIFICATION. 

Of course you hadn't thought of it. The 
letter from P. В. Duncan in the Junc 
Playboy Forum tries to convince you that 
teats on a boar are necessary, and you fell 
for it. But, in defense of your response to 
Edwin L. Tice (“Mountains from Mole- 
hills,” The Playhoy Forum, March), teats 
on a boar are useless. Boars don’t necd 
teats; sows do. 

I wonder if Duncan knows the difference 
between a boar (an uncastrated male pig), 
a barrow (a castrated male pig), a gilt (a 
chaste female pig) and a sow (2 bred 
female pig). 

The only ones for which teats are impor- 
tant are gilts and sows. 


Е. 5. Blum 
Sarasota, Florida 
This isn't ап issue we particularly 
wanted lo pursue, but we're sure there are 
some boring cocktail parties out there that 
could use a guest to enliven them with just 
this sort of fascinating information—once the 
conversation can be worked around to pig 
farming. (In defense of Duncan, we believe 
he was viewing boars’ teats as an indication 
only of genetic qualities—not of suckling 
capabilities.) 


SOME NEWS TRAVELS SLOWLY 

The July Forum Newsfront includes an 
item regarding the suit filed by a 22-year- 
old woman against the archdiocese of Los 
Angeles and seven Roman Catholic priests 
accused of sexually exploiting her, impreg- 
nating her and sending her to the 
Philippines for “Confinement” and subse- 
quent delivery of the baby. You are to be 
congratulated for being the only member 
of the “popular press” to publish that sto- 
ry, at least in this area. Evidently, the 
Church is powerful enough to intimidate 


FORUM NEWSFRONT 


what’s happening in the sexual and social arenas 


PHYSICIAN, HEAL THYSELF 
RICHMOND, vincIsta—The Fourth U.S. 
Circuit Court of Appeals has upheld dam- 
ages of $70,000 10 а former Navy wife 
and $30,000 to her ex-husband after she 
was “counseled” by а physician's assistant 
al а Navy clinic into having a sexual 


affair with him as a means of curing her 
of what. he diagnosed as chromic. depres- 
ston. When the woman revealed the treat- 
ment to her then-husband, he suffered а bit 
of depression himself, the marriage broke 
up and the two decided this time to stich it 
to the Government. 


SCREWED AGAIN 

NORTHAMPTON, MASSACHUSETTS—A man 
accused of having had extramarital sex 
has been ordered to pay his lover's now- 
divorced husband nearly $60,000 in a civil 
action for "negligenlly and inten- 
tionally commitied adultery,” which led to 
the breakup of the marriage. Commenting 
on the case, considered unusual in the 
annals of law, а lawyer said И might make 
“boyfriends . . . think twice now." 


POT LOSES OUT 

sacRAMENTO— California has decided 
to make yet more additions to its ever- 
increasing list of state symbols, which 
already includes the redwood as the state 
tree, an extinct species of grizzly bear as 
the state animal, the golden poppy as the 
state flower, a type of trout as the state 
fish, gold as the state mineral and serpen- 
tine as the state rock. A vare blue crystal 
called benitoite has been proposed as the 
slate gem stone, and legislators joked that 
the appropriate state grass should be 
marijuana—which, however, lost out to a 
more respectable grass used to feed саше. 
Only the day before that vote, a senate 
committee had approved the square dance 


as the state dance, prompling one legisla- 
tor loask how manysymbols California needs. 


TAX-DEDUCTIBLE DRUGS 

THE НАС The Dutch Finance Min- 
istry has decided that, in some cases, the 
parents of young addicts who support 
their children's drug habits may deduct the 
cost of the illegal drugs from their taxes. 
Such a deduction was permitted in the 
case of a father who convinced the agency 
that unless he contributed money for drug 
buys, his son would have no choice but to 
engage in criminal acts. 


TRUTH HURTS 

“The dirty little secret of feminism” is 
what New York sociologist and author 
William R. Beer calls the practice of "lib- 
erated women in the workplace” having 
“unliberated women cleaning their houses 
for them”; and usually, the cleaning per- 
son is “nonwhite and working-class.” In 
his book “Househusbands: Men and 
Housework in American Families,” he 
observes that this is “true all over” among 
white, upper-middle-class Americans of 
both sexes but that pointing it out as being 
true for female professionals as well as for 
men hus not made him any fiierals in the 
women's movement. 


ТАР ART 

SANTA CLARA—Opponents of capital 
punishment were less than pleased by an 
art-museum exhibit tilled “Electric 
Chair,” which invited viewers to pay a 
quarter to “execute” a robot. The exhibit, 
at the Triton Museum, was part of a 
“Crime and Punishment” show; and for 
25 cents, a patron of the arts manipulated 
two switches to make a hooded тобаі- 
strapped into a chair by the knees and 
wrists—nwitch and shudder to dimming 
lights and the sound of current humming 


GOD'S PUNISHMENT 

FORT LAUDERDALE—A 21-year-old gun- 
man who tried to hold up a church con- 
gregation during evening prayer services 
was jumped by several worshipers. He was 
disarmed and arrested and died of a heart 
attack т police custody two hours later. 
The robber might have gotten away with 
his crime but finally angered several of his 
victims by continuing to ask for money. 


HETEROSEXUAL DISCRIMINATION 
VAN NUYS, CALIFORNIA—A 30-year-old 
leasing-company execulive is threatening 
to go to court over a lesbian night club's 
“Woman Night Only” policy, which kept 
him from enjoying a beer in his own 
neighborhood on a Wednesday evening. 


He said he had had an idea that the bar 
catered to lesbians but preferred lo drink 
there so he wouldn't have to drive home 
afterward. When an armed male guard 
turned him away, he noted that a recent 
state Supreme Court ruling had forced 
another restaurant to open ils curtained 
booths to lesbian customers and said he 
might have to go to court over the issue of 
sexual discrimination. 


BACK TO SCIENCE 

ELPASO—On the advice of the state attor- 
ney general, the Texas board of education 
has repealed а decade-old rule that 
required textbooks used in the state's pub- 
lic schools to describe evolution as “only 
one of several explanations” of the origin 
of man and to present it as “theory rather 
than fact." The move was made reluc- 
tantly after the state's top legal officer 
declared that the requirement was an 
unconstitutional intrusion of religion into 
state matters and indicated that he would 
not defend the board against an expected 
lawsuit challenging the rule. The board 
also was under pressure from many Texas 
political and business leaders who were 
uneasy over criticism of Texas schools. 
Critics had charged that national textbook 
publishers had to water down their treat- 
ment of evolution in books sold all over the 
country if they wanted to sell textbooks in 


Texas, the fourth-largest market т the 
country, A spokesman for The American 
Way, which had pressed for the ruling, 
called it a “national victory for science 
education, religious liberty and the First 
Amendment.” An Arkansas law requiring 
equal time in the classroom for evolution 
and creationism was struck down by a 
couri in 1982, and a creationism law is 
currently being challenged in Louisiana, 


Did Czar Nicholas quibble with Carl Fabergé 


over the price of eggs? 


When you are dealing with something 
quite extraordinary, price somehow seems irrelevant 
or even irreverent. Indeed, for those who appreciate 
fine Scotch, Johnnie Walker Black is priceless. 


Johnnie Walker* 
Black Label Scotch 


YEARS £123 ош 


12 YEAR OLD BLENDED SCOTCH WHISKY, 86.8 PROOF. BOTTLED IN SCOTLAND. IMPORTED BY SOMERSET IMPORTERS, LTD., N.Y., N.Y. © 1984. Fabergé egg trom the FORBES Magazine Collection. 


the newspapers. Keep up the good work. 
We depend upon you to keep the press 
“frec” and to inform us of what is really 
going on. 
George B. Wolfer 
Carefree, Arizona 


ROD REGISTRATION 

Last night on TV, a Senator, I think he 
was (“Toothy,” ГИ call him), delivered a 
fit of some magnitude about pistols. And 
before you get your panties in a wad, let 
me state right here and now that Í ain't 
some kinda redneck gun nut. 

Toothy claimed that any man with a 
gun in his hand was pretty much a Nean- 
derthal. Га have to agree with that, espe- 
cially about peace officers. He painted 
pictures of raving maniacs running about 
blasting folks right and left, mostly on the 
left, and he had figured out that Бу regis- 
tering all the pistols in the United States, 
you would simply do away with all that 
shooting business. Only the nice people 
would get to keep their guns. He never did 
make clear who was going to sort out the 
nice people from the bad people. | sure 
wish I knew who the sorter was, because 
Га like to inquire about my mother-in-law 
and sce if she is going to go completely 
crazy in the next 15 or 20 years. 

"Toothy has all the credentials of a smart 
man, got the big V on his forehead that 
validates him as a wise man. However, 
you are going to discuss one of the big 
three—murder, rape and robbery—the 
second crime in line is the onc that makes 
me ncrvous and makes me question 
Toothy's wisdom. 

I've talked with a lady who has had the 
misfortune to be a victim of rape and has 
also been shot. She claims that of the two, 
she'd rather get shot, It seems there is 
more class in getting shot than in getting 
raped, Nobody talks bad about you after- 
ward. Nobody thinks you brought it on 
yourself. Most of all, alter you heal up, vou 
don’t feel dirty. You may jump some when 
you hear a loud noise, but by and large, 
getting shot is a damn sight nicer than get- 
ting raped. That's her position, anyway 

T'm sure everybody has figured out what 
I'm leading up to. If Toothy gets his kind 
of gun bill passed, you menfolks may just 
as well get ready to get уош rod out and 
have it photographed, tattooed and regis- 
tered. Yes, sir, thi 
everybody has a registered rod, and I sup- 
pose the same feller in charge of thc guns 
will figure out who uscs the other item. 

We've all heard the old saw that “guns 
don't kill people; people kill people.” 
Rods, like pistols, mindless— 
inoffensive things at rest, belligerent- 
locking when pointed at somebody. One 
nice thing about rods is they hardly ever 
go off accidentally. Most of them are fairly 
blunt. They can't do much harm them- 
selves unless the rest of the body agrees 
and decides to hurt somebody. It's doubt- 


arc 


c will be no more rape if 


ul that rods are much worse than pistols. 
There are more rapes than murders, so 
we must assume that there are more гар- 
ists than killers. Obviously, we need to be 
working on the rape problem first. 
So before you red-mouthed Senators get 
all in an uproar and vote with old Toothy, 


I'm going to tell you something right now. 
You ain't tattooing my rod, and now that 1 
think about it, you ain't registering my pis- 
tol, either. 


Keith Dickson 
Anton, Texas 
(continued overleaf) 


DON’T BANK ON IT 


By Rod Davis 


The overinforma- 
tionalization of Amer- 
ica must stop. So much 
is being written by so 
many for so few that 
the average reader no 
longer has either the 
time or the energy to 
sort through vast oyster beds of bulishit 
for rare pearls of wisdom. And I use 
that incredible metaphor only to illus- 
trate the problem. 

"There's a way out of this information 
glut, and it derives from the solution to 
another American glut—the result оГ 
the national inclination to produce too 
much food. 

Recent history: By the Fifties, U.S. 
farmers, having survived the dust bowl 
and several Washington Administra- 
tions, had become so productive that 
America was the breadbasket of the 
world. We had enough spare wheat to 
feed all the world and half the N.F.L. 
So what happened? Grain prices 
dropped lower than an lowa creck bed. 
Realizing that they had performed not 
wisely but too well, farmers talked 
Congress into setting up the Soil Bank 
Program, in which the Government 
would keep prices firm by paying farm- 
ers not to plant crops. 

The time has come to apply the same 
logic to the banality boom. It is time 
for the Writers’ Soil Bank Program 
(W.S.B.P.). 

In order to clear bookstorc shelves 
and overstacked end tables, the Reagan 
Administration must declare an emer- 
gency and immediately implement а 
plan to seek out professional writers 
and pay them not to ply their wade. 
Administrative funding, possibly di- 
verted from old-age pensions or school 
lunch programs, could be funneled 
into the National Endowment for the 
Humanities (МЕН), which, having 
been properly humbled, would be 
eager for new work, The agency would 
Set up a national quota of writtcn mate- 
rial to be produced in the United States 
cach year, based on population, G.N.P. 
and estimates of Soviet literary produc- 
tion. Allotments would be made to 
individual writers on the basis of their 
previous work. New writers would have 
ісе themselves for a suitable 
period before becoming eligible to 


fill vacancies resulting 
from normal attrition. 

Prohibitions on mar- 
ket entry would also be 
raised against Govern- 
ment employees and 
their relatives, as well 
as against all old grads 
of Famous Writers School. Preliminary 
figures indicate that such а move would 
peremptorily cut 28 percent of the 
existing writers’ pool, which would sell 
the plan to whoever replaces David 
Stockman. As a political sop, The 
Atlantic would be purchased Бу the 
Government Printing Office with food- 
stamp funds and its presses converted 
to the manufacture of coffee filters. 

W.S.B.P. allocations and standards 
vould be monitored not only by the 
H but also by the IRS, via the 
W.A.T. (writers actuarial table), 
which is based on a complicated for- 
mula derived from the relation of P.W. 
(potential wordage) to N.E.P. (ncga- 
tive earning power). What that boils 
down to is that most pop-psychology 
Gothic-romance and diet books would 
be abolished, the Book-of-the-Month 
Club would go annual and any manu- 
script titled Howto. ... would be stored 
in vacant silos for potential retaliation 
in the event the Communists begin 
developing their own self-help mag- 
azines in Europe or the Middle East. 

Inst m of the W.S.B.P. would 
mean the withdrawal, at their sources. 
of billions of words from the market 
place, spurring a significant increas 
the literacy rate. No longer deluged 
with written material, humankind 
would read again. 

Writers would benelit, too. No longer 
pressed to fill the glut, they would stop 
drinking, stay married and find mcan- 
ingful part-time jobs. Given time, they 
would develop self-esteem. Man would 
not only prevail but relax. 

For a few lousy dollars, and with 
bold and daring action, we could 
relieve half the country’s headaches 
and possibly reduce amblyopia (look it 
up). So draw up petitions, Go to the 
local bars and seek out your politicians. 
Beat pens into plow 
te nothing you can't eat. 
There arc clever people out there. 
You'll think of something. 


61 


PLAYBOY 


oldest hobby! 


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YOU'RE WELCOME 
Occasionally, The Playboy Forum pub- 
lishes a letter from some uptight soul who 
preaches about the evils of млувох. I 
would like to extend the infinite thanks of 
those of us males whom females find unac- 
ceptable, Without тлувоу tasteful and 
elegant portrayal of beautiful women, we 
who are too poor, too ugly or too handi- 
capped would never know the intimate 
charms of women. 
So, thank you, тїлүвоү. Without you, 
life would be emptier than lonely 
Chris J. Hans 
El Segundo, California 


NEXT QUESTION? 

When will ғілувоу demonstrate a toler- 
ance of sexual variety and examine the 
various aspects of fetishism that interest 
far greater numbers of your readers than 
you imagine? I mean a serious article that 
goes beyond mind, personality and body 
in examining the sources of sexual attrac- 
uon. 


(Name withheld by request) 
San Francisco, California 
We'll take that one under advisement. 


PUTTING THE MAKE ON MEN 
Аз the director of Men's Rights, Inc. (an 
antisexist, nonprofit corporation that 
raises public awareness аБош men's prob- 
lems), I find Asa Baber's column, Meu, 
опе of my favorite sections in PLsyuov, His 
piece on his discomfort when a woman 
took the sexual initiative with him 
(к.лувоу, June) touches on one of the most 
important issues faced by antisexists. 

When I speak to public groups about 
equal rights, I spend a good deal of time 
on the importance of initiating relation- 
ships. The whole system of sexism rests on 
the male-female relationship; and the pat- 
tern of the male-female relationship is set 
by the initiating process. 

I find that the need for women to share 
the burden of initiating makes them tre- 
mendously uncomfortable. [t calls the 
bluff on female demands for equality, 
because it shifts the focus from society to 
actual people. It addresses an issue of 
equality that is traceable to day-to-day 
decisions by individual women and cannot 
be blamed on man-made laws. lt forces 
women to share some of their own power, 
for it is obvious that the person who 
requests something (be it a idm lationship, а 
job or a favor) surrenders power to the 
person who grants something. 

id an equal share of th 


initiating 


“You guys can't handle it when we put the 
make on you,” the woman told Baber. The 
fact is that women can’t handle it when 
they are rejected. F 
women that male 


ities. A woman just might have to 
experience the hundreds of rejections that 
а man experiences before she learns that 
“putting the make” on a person is a more 
subtle art than saying, “Wanna fuck?" 

The step-by-step male equivalent of the 


pickup technique employed Бу the woman 
in Baber’s column would be to walk up to 
а Strange woman, stick your face in hers, 
rest your hand against her breasts and 
invite her to have sex. Her problem, then, 
was not that she broke the rule against 
women’s initiating sexual relationships 
but that she used an initiating technique 
with a low probability of success and was 
too accustomed to her female pedestal to 
handle an occasional failure. 

In time, women will get better at initiat- 
ing. They will realize that successful initi- 
ating involves catering to the sensitivities 
of their target. Forcing males to initiate all 
romance has long allowed women to set 
the standards for male-female relation- 
ships. The macho pickup works only on 
women who demand one. 

In time, a man who rejects a brazen and 
suspicious woman will feel that he neither 
violated his masculinity nor wasted a 
chance of a lifetime. It is only by sharing 
roles, especially such fundamental roles as 
initiating relationships, that men and 
women will be able to communicate in the 
same language and establish a healthier 
way of life. 

Frederic Hayward, Director 
Men's Rights, Inc. 
Sacramento, California 


MAN'S ROLE 

Men who oppose women's rights are 
obviously fools who have never looked at 
the psychology of male/female interaction. 
In most species, it is the temale that builds 
the nest, gathers the food, raises the 
young. A male lion need only lie back in 
the shade, while the female goes out to 
hunt and kill and bring back the bounty to 
the relaxing male. Females are comfort- 
able with this role. Men must accept their 
destiny as God intended it. 

Modem man’s misconceptions of this 
role have caused his sex life to deteriorate. 
Men have lost sight of what stimulates 
women. They read books, attempt to 
memorize complicated steps in the hopes 
of turning on their lover. All this because 
they have forgotten the simple fact that 
what excites a woman is exciting a man. 
Therefore, the ultimate kindness that a 
man can bestow upon a woman is to 
behave like a lion—just lie back and let 
your woman take care of your every whim, 
wish and desire. 

Timothy R. Higgins 
Attorney at Law 
St. Louis, Missouri 

So that’s why you'd tell them that you're 
а strong supporter of the Equal Rights 
Amendment—right? 


“The Playboy Forum” offers the opportu- 
nity for an extended dialog between readers 
and editors on contemporary issues. Address 
all correspondence to The Playboy Forum, 
Playboy Building, 919 North Michigan Ave- 
nue, Chicago, Illinois 60611 


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PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: DAV | [) L ET T ER M A N 


a candid conversation with the gap-toothed prince of late-night television 
about his slightly bent mind, his odd guests and those stupid pet tricks 


NBC's sixth floor at 30 Rockefeller Plaza 
is the birthplace of the modern television talk 
show. Steve Allen hosted “The Tonight Show” 
there for three years, followed by Jack Paar 
and Johnny Carson. In 1972, “The Tonight 
Show” went West, and a year and a half lat- 
er, Tom Snyder moved т for an eight-year 
stint. Now Snyder is gone and a new breed of 
talk-show audience is filling studio 6A's 250 
seats—with 4,000,000 more of the same new 
species watching al home. For the first time, 
the generation thal was raised by television 
has its oun network talk show, “Late Night 
with David Letterman.” 

According to the Nielsen people, an aston- 
ishing 60 percent of Letterman's viewers were 
born after World War Two, a demographic 
profile not even remotely approached by any 
previous talk show. And here they are now, 
dungareed and T-shirted, clapping hard and 
grinning with gleeful anticipation as Paul 
Shaffer's band explodes in an old RGB song 
and announcer Bill Wendell intones, “And 
now, a man who is frightened by the slightest 
change in air temperature, David Letter- 
man.” A door opens at the back of the stage 
and Letterman enters—followed by а cam- 
eraman holding a minicam directly over his 
shoulder. The three big floor cameras peel 
away toward the wings and Letterman, the 


“I'm now relaxed enough to look around for 
the first time. One reason comics tend to be 
such an unhappy group is that it’s always you 
onstage against the fucking world. Now the 
struggle is over." 


minicam hugging his shoulder, strides forth. 
The audience is momentarily startled and 
everyone scrambles for a peek at one of the 
overhead monitors; but in a twinkling, this 
audience is in on the joke—Letterman is let- 
ling us see the show from his point of view. 
Laughter and cheers wash over the stage. 
This is the video generation; they get this hind 
of stuff. If Carson pulled a stunt like this, 
most of his viewers would probably think 
something was wrong. Letterman is playing 
10 an audience that loves to see the world 
stood on its head—the way Mad magazine 
used to do when they were children. But now 
they're grown and crowding a TV studio to 
watch а man The Washington Post 
described as “lankish, prankish, boyish and 
goyish” stand where Allen and Paar and 
Carson and Snyder used to stand—except 
this guy is showing them what it’s like to be 
there. He's taking the magic aut of television, 
and they love it. 

Since it went on the air in February 1982, 
“Late Night with David Letterman” has wel- 
comed such guests as Sidney Miller, Door 
man of the Year; a gentleman who flew 10 an 
altitude of 15,000 feet in a lawn chair and 
was almost killed by a Delta Air Lines jet; a 
worm farmer; а man who died and came back 
to life; and a woman who claimed to have 


“Тез tough for me to put aside a problem on 
the show. I get depressed easily. I'd describe 
myself as having more apprehensions than 
the average person—or the average medium- 
sized American community." 


gone shopping on Venus. The show's regular 
features include elevator races, viewer mail 
and stupid pet tricks. There have been such 
Special features as an investigative report 
titled, “Alan Alda: A Man and His Chinese 
Food.” When the show does have traditional 
celebrity guests, Letterman usually attempts 
to do something different with them. During 
an interview, Henry Winkler happened lo 
mention that his 83-year-old father was in the 
lumber business. Letterman immediately pro- 
duced a telephone and called Winkler's father 
to ask what he should do about the faded red- 
wood siding on his Malibu home (Winkler's 
father. recommended clear varnish). Come- 
dian Robert Klein showed and hilariously 
narrated his bar mitzvah movies. Jet-set vet- 
eran Monique Van Vooren brought her 200 
pairs of shoes, which went by on a conveyor 
belt while she provided anecdotes from her 
life—all related to the shoes she was wearing 
at the time. 

Viewer reaction to this televised weirdness 
has not been a flash culi quickly followed by 
apathy bul a firmly based and steadily rising 
Nielsen ground swell. Surveys have proved to 
network executives and sponsors alike that the 
baby-boom generation has at last found a 
talk-show host with a genuinely congenial 
sensibility. It is now also apparent that that 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY BENNO FRIEDMAN 


"I love bad TV. And I must confess to loving 
the Jerry Lewis telethon. A volatile guy with 
no sleep in front of a live Las Vegas 
audience—vyou just don't gel that kind of 
excilement anywhere else.” 


PLAYBOY 


man is not a performer who relies on shtick. 
He views the world—through the eyes of his 
generation—afresh every day. Three ТҮ crit- 
ics, while reflecting separately in print on 
Letterman, used the same phrase to describe 
him: “He wears well.” And іп television, 
durability can be an even more important 
asset than talent. 

David Michael Letterman was born in 
Indianapolis on April 12, 1947. His father 
owned a small flower shop. His mother was a 
church secretary. He had two sisters. There 
were chronic bul never quile overwhelming 
financial problems. Letterman was shy, 
extremely self-conscious about his appearance 
("I looked like a duck”), played a lot of base- 
balt, did poorly in school and hung out with a 
light group of friends whose primary interests 
were sports, beer and making one another 
laugh. In а high school speech class, he settled 
upon what was to remain his lifelong dream— 
to host a TV talk show. 

In 1965, Letterman entered Ball State 
University in Muncie, Indiana, as а radio- 
TV major. He joined a fraternity, drank 
more beer, married his sweetheart and worked 
two summers as a replacement announcer on 
channel 13, the ABC affiliate in Indian- 
apolis. Afler graduation, he landed a full- 
time job at channel 13. His duties included. 
weatherman, Saturday-morning kiddie-show 
star, news anchor and late-night movie host. 
Experience and boredom accumulated, occa- 
sionally resulting in on-air pranks that gave 
Letterman an underground cult following— 
and eventually got him fired. Once, while 
doing the weather, he reported that the city 
was being pelted by “hailstones the size of 
canned hams.” On another weather report, he 
announced that а tropical storm had just been 
upgraded to hurricane status, then congratu- 
lated the storm on ils promotion. 

After leaving channel 13 in 1974, Letter- 
man remained in. Indianapolis for another 
year as а radio talk-show host. By May 1975, 
he felt he was ready to grab for the brass ring. 
He and his wife packed their belongings into 
their battered red pickup truck and headed for 
L.A. Letterman had overcome his stage fright 
Sufficiently to audition at The Comedy Store 
on Sunset Boulevard. On that fateful night, 
his career edged into Hollywood's fast lane. 
Although he was an unpolished stage per- 
former (and obviously а nervous wreck), the 
unusual bent of Letlerman’s humor was 
immediately apparent to the club's owners, 
and they installed him in The Comedy Store's 
regular rolation. 

Within days, Jimmie “J.J.” Walker began 
paying Letterman $150 per week to write 
Jokes for his stand-up act. During his stint at 
The Comedy Store, other comedians, includ- 
ing Bob Hope and Paul Lynde, also hived 
him to write material for them. TV appear- 
ances and top club dates materialized quickly. 
So did a sad but civilized divorce. 

In 1978, Letterman landed а job on Mary 
Tyler Moore's ill-fated variety hour “Mary.” 
Although the show failed and his experience 
on it was nol entirely pleasant ("They kept 
dressing me up in weird costumes and, worse, 
they made me dance"), two crucial, long-term 


benefits did accrue to him: He made a fan of 
the show's producer, Grant Tinker, and he 
deepened his recent relationship with one of 
the writers, Merrill Marhoe. 

Then came a very strong first appearance 
on “The Tonight Show.” Carson spontane- 
ously decided to invite him up for a desk spot, 
and that’s when Letterman, whom many cril- 
des consider the best reactive comedian, or 

“comeback artist,” in the business today, 
really had а chance to shine. By early 19: 
when Carson was thinking of leaving "The 
Tonight Show,” Hollywood insiders placed 
Letterman, still a virtual unknown, among 
the handful of leading contenders for the 
throne. And then came something called “The 
David Letterman Show": 90 minutes of live 
talk and entertainment at ten o'clock. every 
weekday morning. Although boih Letterman 
and head writer Markoe won Emmys, the ral- 
ings were disastrous and the show was can- 
celed as soon as alternate programing 
could be developed. 

A period of deep depression followed (as 
distinct from the shallow depression that Lei- 
terman's friends claim is his normal emo- 
tional state). He justifiably felt that he'd had 
his shot at fulfilling his childhood fantasy 


“Privately, I think 
that I’m not really 
somebody who has a 
network-television show. 
I'm just a kid 
trying to make 
a living.” 


and blown it. Then a “holding contract” 
arrived in the mail: Fred Silverman was 
offering him what has been variously reported 
as between $625,000 and $1,000,000 а 
year just to sit at home and wail for the net- 
work lo come up with another show for him. 
The coud was lifted. Late in 1981, Tom 
Snyder's "Tomorrow" show was canceled, 
and although Silverman had by then depart- 
ed, the new boss at NBC was another Letter- 
man fan, Grant Tinker. So "Late Night" was 
launched. The show was a critical, ratings 
and demographic success from the outset. 
Today, as “Lale Night" goes through its 
third year and Letterman's baby-boom follow- 
ing has demonstrated what appears to be a 
long-term. commitment to him, NBC execu- 
lives are no longer panic-stricken about the 
day Carson eventually calls it a career. Even 
Carson has been feeling the loss of leverage. 
One evening, after a lackluster monolog and 
a boring first guest, he sighed, peered resign- 
edly into the camera and said, “Why don’t I 
just go on home and we can bring in Letter- 
man now?” The audience cheered wildly and 
the show went well from there. But the point 
was not lost amid the laughter. An heir 
apparent to America’s talk-show throne has 


finally emerged; and in this land of show- 
business royalty, that is the U.S. equivalent of 
the birth of a prince. So we felt the time had 
come to send veteran PLayeoy inlerviewer 
Sam Merrill out for an extended chat with Let- 
terman about his life and times in the talh- 
show wars. Merrill reports: 

“David Letterman quickly agreed to do the 
‘Interview,’ then proceeded to delay the first 
session for six months. During thal tme, the 
message would periodically be passed to me 
that ‘David really wants to do the “Playboy 
Interview"; he's just a little nervous,’ Letter- 
man’s nervous condition probably would 
have persisted to this day had deadlines not 
required me to nolify him that if we didn’t 
begin on a certain day a couple of months 
ашау, the ‘Interview’ was off. I was his last 
appointment on the afternoon of that day. 

“Letterman's office at the RCA building in 
New York's Rockefeller Center looks, as one 
reporter put и, like he got the hey yesterday." 
Not that the place lacks human touches. 
There was a patr of pants on the sofa; various 
items of baseball equipment and memorabilia 
were strewn about; there were several pieces 
of New York kitsch; and there was Bob, one 
of Letterman's beloved dogs. 

“We spoke for an hour that day, and he was 
аз easy, gracious and forthcoming an ‘Inter- 
view" subject as one could hope for. In fact, I 
was gelling over a cold ai the time and Letter- 
man went out of lus way to carry the conver- 
sation. [t was difficult to imagine his fearing 
the interview process. Bul, as one friend put 
it, "David fears everything." 

“Durmg the next three weeks, we met con- 
stanily at Letterman's Malibu home. He had 
nothing else lo do. Га spoiled his vacation by 
giving him my cold.” 


PLAYBOY: Why has it taken the better part 
of six months for us to sit down together? 
LETTERMAN: Гус been afraid to get started. 
But I didn't want to say no, either. So I 
just sort of. .. . 

PLAYBOY: Jacked us around? 

LETTERMAN: Well. . . . 

PLAYBOY: What were you afraid o? 
LETTERMAN: Appearing foolish. When I 
started doing The Tonight Show, 1 went 
from being somebody who had never had 
his name in print except in the phonebook 
to somebody who was being interviewed 
all the time. And it was great fun. I mean, 
to a recently anonymous nobody, that’s a 
fantasy come true. But after a few months 
of it, I got tired of talking about myself. 
And then, one day, I was watching Enter- 
tainment Tomght, which often shows celeb- 
rities in their kitchens or woodshops, 
talking about what number file they use, 
then putting the finishing touches on an 
end table, and I thought, Jeez, these peo- 
ple are being silly. And if I think they're 
being silly, other people must think Im 
being silly. And there's just no point in а 
grown man’s going out of his way to be 
silly. So I pretty much stopped doing 
interviews. Also, it was mentioned to me 
that this ruavsoy thing was going to run a 
little longer than your average interview— 
like 15 hours! And I thought, Good Lord, 


ТЫ <l 
BEEFEATER GIN. The Crown Jewel of England: 


PLAYBOY 


I can't do that. I have to finish my table. 
PLAYBOY: Whether or not you give inter- 
views, there's no getting away from the fact 
that having a network television show 
makes you a national celebrity. Has that 
changed the texture of your daily life? 
LETTERMAN: No, but privately I think that 
I'm not really somebody who has а net- 
work television show. Celebrities arc other 
people—Johnny Carson and Sylvester 
Stallone. Im just a kid trying to make a 
living is the way I feel. Here I am, waiting 
for the fat kid to put unleaded gas in my 
car, and I’m asking him if I can do it, 
because he’s having trouble resetting the 
pump, and I think, I’m not really that per- 
son on television. It always surprises me 
that what I do in New York between 5:30 
and 6:30 P.N. will show up later that night 
in Albuquerque and Seattle. It's like toss- 
ing a rock into a pond and watching the 
ripples cross the water. I don't like to think 
about it—it’s a little more responsibility 
than a guy would want. 

PLAYBOY: Is that respoi y something 
you think about while doing the show? 
LETTERMAN: At first, I feel nervous and for- 
get the responsibility. There’s so much 
excitement at the start of the show that if 
things go well, the excitement builds expo- 
nentially. I actually become happy—an 
all-too-rare occurrence in my life. But if 
something goes wrong early in the show, 
the nervousness returns. It’s tough for me 
to put aside an early problem. I get 
depressed and lose energy. I feel, This is 
the only thing we have to do all day and 
already I've stepped on my own . . . what- 
ever. 

PLAYBOY: You get anxious fairly easily, 
don’t you? 

LETTERMAN: I'd describe myself as proba- 
bly having more apprehensions than the 
average person—or the average medium- 
sized American community. 

PLAYBOY: It’s amazing that vou decided to 
become a performer. 

LETTERMAN: What I always wanted to do 
was be on the radio or on TV. I never 
wanted to appear in front of actual people. 
PLAYBOY: So you always saw yourself as an 
“electronic performer”? 

LETTERMAN: As а kid, 1 loved the image of 
Arthur Godfrey doing his radio- TV simul- 
casts, sitting behind a microphone wearing 
headphones—just talking. That was my 
fantasy: being able to communicate with 
folks without the unspeakable trauma of 
having them right there in the same room, 
scrutinizing me. Even later, when I did 
local radio and TV in Indianapolis, the 
thought of appearing live anywhere was 
just out of the question. People would say, 
“Hey, Dave, the Kiwanis Club wants you 
to come over and kiss their children,” and 
Га say, “No, I can't do that.” 

PLAYBOY: You do it now, though you've 
already mentioned how nervous you get 
on your own show. How is that nervous- 
ness manifested? 

LETTERMAN: I used to drink an unbeliev- 
able quantity of coffee, thinking it would 


calm me down, but that just made me 
more nervous, so I had to quit. 

PLAYBOY: Do your knees knock? Do you 
grind your teeth? 

LETTERMAN: No, nothing that obvious. And 
now I don’t even chew my nails off. So all 
the damage is internal. 

PLAYBOY: When Johnny Carson gets nerv- 
ous at the start of his show, he says, his 
tongue turns white. 

LETTERMAN: No, that’s network policy. 
They have a guy back there who chalks 
your tongue just before you go out so you 
don’t mispronounce words. 

PLAYBOY: When does the nervousness—or 
let's call it excitement—really take hold? 
LETTERMAN: About half an hour before air 
time—five р.м. That's when I become 
hyper. І put everything else out of my 
mind and just let that nervous energy 
surge through my body. | start talking 
faster and louder. My confidence comes 
up. It's actually a great feeling. Then I go 
out and do a little warm-up for the 
audience—just in case they're all from 
Portugal and don't speak a word of Eng- 
lish, I want to be the first to know. 
PLAYBOY. Are you aware that you're the 
only talk-show host who does his own 
warm-up? 

LETTERMAN: To be precise, our announcer, 
Bill Wendell, does a longer warm-up 
before me; but, yes, I know the other guys 
don’t show their face to the studio audi- 
ence until the tape is rolling. But I like to 
know where the audience is. Are they up? 
Down? Are they mostly tourists? People 
from out of town are generally a bit more 
sedate than New Yorkers. That warm-up 
is really more for me than for the audience. 
11% like batting practice. And then, as I'm 
walking away from the audience, I have a 
clear, preconceived notion of how the show 
will go. I think, This is going to be a long 
fucking night. And then, suddenly, the 
band is playing and I’m walking back out 
and we just go. 

PLAYBOY: We're currently sitting in your 
New York office, and on your desk you 
have not one but two brass Empire State 
Buildings—one is a bank, the other is a 
thermometer. There’s a dog bone but, of 
course, Bob, the dog, is here nibbling my 
shoelace as we speak. There is a Big Apple 
salt-and-pepper set next to your tele- 
phone. Are you a collector of Aitsch? 
LETTERMAN: №. Beloved members of my 
staff have given me those things knowing 
that I would be irritated by them. 
PLAYBOY: Are you actually a gentleman of 
impeccable taste? 

LETTERMAN: I wouldn’t go that far. 
PLAYBOY: When vou furnish a home, do 
people mistake it for Cary Grant's house? 
LETTERMAN: I have a house in California 
that Merrill and I have been living in for 
five years, and if it were fixed up just a lit- 
tle bit nicer, when people walked in they 
would say, "Oh, I get it: You rented all 
this stuff.” Actually, Merrill and I did 
take a decorator there once, and we told 
her, “We don’t know what we're doing, 


but we want the place to be comfortable 
and unpretentious and not too expensive.” 
And she looked around and said, “Sure, 
this will be great. ГИ do all the shopping 
and bring you samples and pull the whole 
thing together for $30,000.” So I strangled 
her and buried her next to the hot tub. 
PLAYBOY: Assuming your show continues to 
be a hit for many years, will you eventu- 
ally attempt to take it back to California? 
LETTERMAN: Yes, California is my home 
now. And when the show is finally 
canceled—as all shows finally are, except 
The Jeffersons—Vll. sell the Connecticut 
house. Connecticut is beautiful, but I’ve 
lived in the California house long enough 
to have a real fondness for it. 

PLAYBOY: But you're not fond enough to 
furnish it. 

LETTERMAN: No, not quite that fond. 
PLAYBOY: Is your childhood in Indiana a 
happy memory? 

LETTERMAN: Yeah. Г think it was probably 
right on the money for lower-middle-class, 
mid-Amcrican family life, which is really a 
very pleasant and balanced way to grow 
up. Both of my grandfathers were miners 
turned farmers. My mother’s father was a 
very funny man—a real smartass but irre- 
sistible. He’d have me sneak up on the 
watermelons because that was the only 
way you could pick them. So there would 
be this man in his 60s and me, a little kid, 
tiptoeing together through the watermelon 
patch, and we'd finally grab one and run 
like hell. My father was always joking 
around; and if she had a couple of beers, 
even my mom would geta little loopy. And 
my younger sister is very witty, too. 
PLAYBOY: Was it a showbiz kind of funny 
family? 

LETTERMAN: Oh, my Lord, no. [Laughs] If 
you hypnotized my mother and extracted 
from her every fantasy she has ever even 
mildly entertained in her entire life, not 
one of them would be to go backstage at 
Caesars Palace and greet Sammy Davis Jr. 
We weren't a paint-the-barn-and-put-on- 
musicals family. We just had fun. 
PLAYBOY: Your father was a florist. 
LETTERMAN: My dad, who passed away ten 
years ago, had a flower shop. When I was 
about ten or 11, business became a prob- 
lem, and from then on, there was a lot of 
financial tension around the house. My 
mother had to work in the shop every day, 
then go home and take care of the kids. 
But we still got to do stuff and had clothes 
and took trips. There was just a sense of 
tightness. 

PLAYBOY. You mentioned earlier that 
despite your anxieties and insecurities, you 
always wanted to be some kind of “elec- 
tronic communicator.” 

LETTERMAN: What I’m doing right now 
represents the fulfillment of the only seri- 
ous dream Гуе ever had. | knew I would 
be doing this from early on. 

PLAYBOY: Being a talk-show host is a curi- 
ously specific childhood dream. How did 
you arrive at it? 

LETTERMAN: At first, it was just a vague 


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PLAYBOY 


vision of me on television with a few 
friends, drinking a warm eight-pack of 
beer and chatting about the week’s events. 
The vision didn't assume any greater clar- 
ity for several years. There were too many 
distractions. I fought with my parents and 
my grades stank and it was all just a mias- 
ma. Then I happened to sign up for a 
speech class in high school, because I had 
heard it was an сазу С. And that’s where 
the dream really took shape. 

PLAYBOY: Were you a clown in high school? 
LETTERMAN: No, most of the class clowns in 
my high school are doing time now. 
PLAYBOY: Did you perform in high school? 
LETTERMAN: Never; that would have been 
too nerve-racking. And I felt I looked so 
awful. 1 was much too shy to perform. 1 
was looking through my high school year- 
book recently. We all looked like guys 
who'd be hanging around with John 
Hinckley. I mean, basically, everybody in 
high school looks like a duck. 

PLAYBOY: So with your dream of electronic 
stardom glistening before you, off you went 
to major in radio and television at. . . Ball 
State University. Why not Indiana Uni- 
versity at Bloomington, or Northwestern? 
Those schools have top-notch communica- 
tions departments. 

LETTERMAN: I wanted to go to IU, and all 
my friends were going there, but they'd 
take me only on academic probation. Pd 
have had to maintain a C average my 
freshman year, and I figured, There’s no 
way in hell I can do that. So I applied to 
Ball State, where, as the joke goes, I was 
admitted with honors. 

PLAYBOY: Your college years were 1965 
through 1969, the anti-Vietnam war pro- 
test era. Were you involved in the radical 
politics of that time? 

LETTERMAN: Ball State was pretty much 
isolated from all of that. I’m rot sure why, 
since Kent State was not far off or too dif- 
ferent. And I was not what you would call 
politicized. While other campuses were 
staging major demonstrations, our biggest 
worry was “How are we gonna get beer for 
the big dance?” I was hardly aware of the 
Vietnam war until a friend of mine flunked 
out and was drafted and [snaps fingers] 
was dead like that. One day, here's a guy 
setting fire to the housemother’s panty 
hose, and the next day, he’s gone. Thai got 
my attention. 

PLAYBOY: Did you dodge the draft? 
LETTERMAN: No. After graduation, I 
assumed I would go to Vietnam. My close 
friends were going, and I felt I was no dif- 
ferent from them. But in the lottery, my 
birth date was drawn 346th, so I was free. 
Even then, I almost enlisted. The feeling of 
“Well, this is my country and war is war, 
after all,” was surprisingly strong in many 
parts of middle America. And there was 
also that personal thing tugging at me: 
“Doug went; why shouldn't 1?” 

PLAYBOY: How do you feel about it now? 
LETTERMAN: What I feel very bad about is 
that when those guys came back, I didn't 
have an inkling of the kind of ordeal they 


had gone through. As a friend and neigh- 
bor, I wasn’t functioning in a sensitive 
way. 1 treated them as if they’d been in 
Milwaukee for two years: “Great to see 
you. How you doing? Let's get a beer.” 
And that was the extent of the debriefing. I 
didn’t have a clue about what that war 
had done to them emotionally, psychologi- 
cally. I. . . . Well, many Americans, 
though that’s no excuse, were so insensi- 
tive to those returning Vietnam veterans. 
Tt was a crime. 

PLAYBOY: You’ve mentioned beer at least 
half a dozen times already. We assume 
there’s a reason for that. 

LETTERMAN: In college, my friends and I 
pretty much structured our week around 
obtaining beer for the weekend. We loved 
almost cvery aspect of drinking beer, par- 
ticularly the fact that we could, physically, 
get away with it. One of the remarkable 
things about being 19 is that you can break 
open a case of warm beer at midnight and 
still be wide-eyed and alert for your eight- 
A.M. class, And that gave me the false im- 
pression that my life would always be like 
that. I drank a lot of beer over an almost 
20-year period—and I loved it. But now 


“What I’m doing right 
now represents the 
fulfillment of the 
only serious dream 

I've had.” 


T've quit. No alcohol, no drugs, no coffee. 
PLAYBOY: Were you heavily into drugs? 
LETTERMAN: Only grass. I went through 
one period when Í smoked a surprising, a 
really breath-taking, amount of grass 
almost every night. 

PLAYBOY: When was that? 

LETTERMAN: During the failed morning 
show, and it was only about a two-month 
period. 1 just got to the point where Га be 
stoned and ГА wish I wasn’t. So I quit. 
Since then, I’ve used marijuana very spo- 
radically, hardly at all. 

PLAYBOY: So pot was self-limiting for you, 
but beer wasn’t. 

LETTERMAN: That's right. I remember 
being surprised when I got out of college 
that the real world was unlike the frater- 
nity house in one very important way: The 
people I was working with weren't drink- 
ing as much beer as 1 was. So I'd find the 
two or three guys who still were and they 
would be my friends. And we had plenty of 
fun being young adults loose on the town. 
We'd just go out every night after work 
and drink. 

PLAYBOY: How much did you drink? 


LETTERMAN: I never drank during the day, 
but six beers before dinner was common. 
Merrill and I went through a two-year 
period where we attempted to sample 
every beer in the entire world. She was 
bringing home beer from Korea, South 
America, Germany, Japan, Scotland, 
Italy, New Zealand. And 1 loved it There 
is hardly any aspect of beer drinking that 1 
don’t love. 

PLAYBOY: You look back over your beer- 
drinking years with such fondness—what 
made you stop? Are you an alcoholic? 
LETTERMAN: | thought alcoholism was cer- 
tainly a potential problem. But the thing 
that made те stop was the show. 1 had to 
feel I was doing everything in my power to 
make it a success. Otherwise, I'd have 
to answer to myself for the rest of my life 
for being a failure. I knew that if I woke 
up hung over, I couldn't do the best possi- 
ble job on the show, so I had to quit. Also, 
Га consumed a lot of beer for a lot of. 
years, and I thought, That's enough. I've 
had my fun and Pm glad I quit. But I do 
look back on it with a great deal of relish. 
PLAYBOY: You describe yourself during 
those years of local television and recrea- 
tional beer drinking as 2 "young adult 
loose on the town," but, in fact, you were 
married throughout that period. 
LETTERMAN: I got married in my senior year 
of college and remained married for seven 
years. And my wife and I suffered every 
emotional ailment a young couple could. 
PLAYBOY: Then you moved to L.A., became 
a hit and got a divorce. 

LETTERMAN: Our marriage would have 
come apart regardless of geography or 
career pursuits. And you’ve got your chro- 
nology backward. Ours was not a case of 
a wife's struggling to put her husband 
through medical school, after which he 
gets a position at a fine hospital and 
dumps her. Nor was it a case of my getting 
a taste of the fast life in show business and 
saying, “То hell with this old broad." 
When we divorced, my career was practi- 
cally nonexistent. Our basic problem was 
that we'd just gotten married too young. 
PLAYBOY: Anyway, after six years as a local 
broadcaster in Indiana, you made the big 
move to Hollywood in 1975 in the further 
pursuit of your childhood dream. 
LETTERMAN: I told everyone, including 
myself, that I was going out there to 
become a TV scriptwriter. 1 thought that 
would be my best entry point into the 
business. But the thing you discover is that 
you can write all the scripts you want 
when you're living in Indianapolis. People 
aren't going to meet you at the L.A. city 
line saying, "Can we see those scripis? 
We're dying to get scripts from people who 
live in Indianapolis." It just doesn't work 
that way. I'd take my scripts around and 
they'd toss them into а warehouse, and 
every Thursday the guy with the fork lift 
would go by, pick vp all the scripts and 
bury them near the river. I knew that if 
scriptwriting didn’t get me moving in the 
direction I wanted to go, the next step was 


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PLAYBOY 


72 


stand-up comedy. So, eventually, I got up 
the courage and went over to The Comedy 
Store for an audition. 

PLAYBOY: Was that the first time you'd 
done stand-up comedy? 

LETTERMAN: The first time. I found it very 
painful to get up in front of those people. 
Ава I wasn’t exactly a big hit, either. But 
I achieved a real sense of self-confidence 
from that first attempt. I remember think- 
ing, Jeez, I've come 2500 miles and gotten 
onstage in this dimly lit bar in front of 
these mutants and I’m telling jokes. This 
is a real step for me. And it was. 

PLAYBOY: And you were hired. 

LETTERMAN: | began performing four or 


five nights a week. Then Jimmie Walker 
hired me to write jokes for him. I mean, 
who better to capsulize the American 
black experience than a white guy from 
Indiana? But Jimmie was very, very nice 
And very shrewd about his career, 1 
thought. He realized that he'd be able to 
sustain himself in show business long after 
Good Times was gone through his stand-up 
act, so he hired punks out of the Midwest 
to keep building his material. Jimmie was 
paying me $150 a week just to write 15 
jokes. That money kept me going and was 
also a tremendous confidence builder. ГИ 
always be grateful to Jimmie for that early 
support. And ГИ always respect the way 


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he thought about his career in the long 
view. 

PLAYBOY: While performing at The Com- 
edy Store, you were discovered and signed 
by the prestigious management firm of 
Rollins, Joffe, Morra and Brezner. 
LETTERMAN: That's right, though I have 
recently been talking with Colonel Tom 
Parker, so there may be a management 
shift in my future. 

PLAYBOY: Seriously, to be just one of liter- 
ally hundreds of aspiring comics working 
out at the Improv and Comedy Store and 
then suddenly be signed by a heavy-duty 
agency must have been an incredible ego 
boost for an insecure guy. Some people 
were seeing something very special in you. 
LETTERMAN: It meant a great deal, of 
course, and then I began really working. 1 
wrote for a couple of TV shows. I did a 
summer show with the Starland Vocal 
Band—of course, at that time, nobody 
realized they'd go on to such unbelievable 
success. I appeared on The Liar's Club as a 
“celebrity,” which was a source of amuse- 
ment. And then the Rollins, Joffe people 
got me a major job as a regular on Mary, 
the short-lived Mary Tyler Moore variety 
hour. After that, they got me a deal todoa 
syndicated afternoon talk show called— 
are you ready for this?—Leave It to Dave. 
PLAYBOY: Leave It to Dave? 

LETTERMAN: It was a disaster. I wanted to 
do a goofy kind of off-the-wall, innovative 
show, the show I’ve always wanted to do, 
the show I'm doing now. But the affiliates 
wanted an “afternoon show.” The whole 
project was just a disaster from word one. 
PLAYBOY: Meanwhile, throughout that 
Comedy Store period, you were a single 
guy—really for the first time in your life— 
presumably on the make in Hollywood. 
What was that like? 

LETTERMAN: At first, I was like a kid in a 
candy shop. And [m glad I went through 
that experience or I'd probably still be 
wondering what it’s like to be afloat in a 
sea of Hollywood dollies. 

PLAYBOY: Well? 

LETTERMAN: It was not fun and I was not 
very good at it. I find it hard enough to 
manage my own life, let alone trying to live 
up to what is expected of a single show- 
business guy in Hollywood. For me, that 
whole experience produced more anxieties 
than pleasures—not that there weren't 
pleasures. 

PLAYBOY: So, even in bed, all you could 
think about was what other people 
expected of you. 

LETTERMAN: Well, maybe. But I think of it 
as a life experience that my wife and 1 
missed because we got married in college. 
I experienced it later—which I needed to 
do—and I didn't like it. 

PLAYBOY: When did you meet Merrill? 
LETTERMAN: We met at The Comedy Store 
in 1977. Merrill was hanging around, buy- 
ing drinks for comics, and... . No, по. 
What am I saying? She was doing stand- 
up and we met and began dating. Then, 
coincidentally, she got a job writing for 


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Mary and | was a regular їп the cast 
We've worked together ever since, until 
now. Last year, Merrill left Late Night, 
where she had been head writer, to go 
back to free-lancing. 

PLAYBOY: So there was a lot of activity in 
your carcer after Rollins, Joffc signed you, 
but you didn’t emerge as a public figure 
until November 1978, when you made 
your first Tonight Show appearance. How 
did that come about? 

LETTERMAN: The people at The Tonight 
Show are very good at dealing with young 
comedians. They treat the Improv and 
The Comedy Store as a farm system. They 
want nothing more than to break another 
Freddie Prinze, and they keep track of 
everybody. In 1977, they came to me and 
said, “You're not ready.” І said, "OK, 
that's fine.” I was just thrilled they'd been 
watching me. And the last thing you want 
to do is go on and not be ready. So [ kept 
working and building my act, and the next 
year, they called for me. I went back three 
times, and after the third time, they 
invited me to guest host. At the time, I saw 
that as а huge mistake on their part, but 
now I recognize it as an incredible bit of 
cosmic synchronization. 

PLAYBOY: That was one of the periods when 
everybody was asking who would replace 
Johnny. And there you were, a rawboned, 
Midwestern “Carson type.” 

LETTERMAN: Oh, sure, I benefited from that 
enormously. I mean, there are guys at The 


Comedy Store now with whom I started in 
1975 who are funnier than I am and are on 
unemployment. So I know full well what 
the David Letterman story could have 
been, and without going into too many of 
the gory details, lets just say it would not 
have included you sitting here today inter- 
viewing me for PLAYBOY. 

PLAYBOY: Given whatever performing gifts 
you feel you have but no luck, where do 
you think you'd be today? 

LETTERMAN: I'd like to say back in Indian- 
apolis with a steady job at a local station, 
but that’s пог what usually happens 

Unfortunately, people generally tend to 
stay too long at The Comedy Store and the 
Improv. They keep thinking, Maybe next 


week, Merv Griffin will come in and put 
me on Dance Fever. So they stay and stag- 
nate and eventually come to be looked 


upon by the talent scouts as somehow tar- 
nished. You know, who wants a guy who's 
been in junior high school for eight years? 
Those clubs are a stepping stone. They're 
not a career. 

PLAYBOY: Do you sometimes feel a little 
guilty about having leapfrogged over your 
Comedy Store friends? 

LETTERMAN: Not guilty, but I do feel an 
extra responsibility to help friends who de- 
serve a break. But being able to do that isa 
mixed blessing. We've made the mistake of 
helping people who weren't ready, and it 
made them look bad and us look bad. So, 


lately, I’ve taken my personal feelings and 
old friendships out of the process. 
PLAYBOY: Did that cause some people to 
accuse you of turning your back on them? 
LETTERMAN: I’ve alienated as many old 
friends as I’ve helped and, yes, sure, when 
our people go to comedy clubs today, we 
get badmouthed. But what can I do? My 
first concern is that we doa nice show. My 
second concern is that the guests benefit 
from their appearance. We don’t want 
people going on who will not do well. 
But how до you tell an old friend that you 
just don’t think he or she is funny? So, 
when I go to a comedy club today, Im 
aware that a certain number of people are 
saying, “Oh, here comes that asshole 
Letterman. 1 can’t get on his show, the son 
of a bitch.” 

PLAYBOY: Do any young comics you do 
approach ever say, “No, don't have me on; 
I'm not ready yet"? 

LETTERMAN: Гус heard that a few times, 
and those are people ГИ always keep an 
сус on, because they have some sense of 
how a solid career should be built. And 
sense is not a quality most comedians are 
noted for, self included. 

PLAYBOY: You're also not noted for enjoying 
your own performances, even when doing 
well. And that is unusual for a comic. 
LETTERMAN: Night clubs scare me. They’re 
dark and they stink and they’re dangerous 


and everybody's drunk. The only good 


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PLAYBOY 


14 


thing about night clubs is that а comfort- 
able living can be made in them. I've 
always felt much more at home with the 
electronic trappings of broadcasting, 
where the studios are well lighted and the 
people are pleasant—and some of them 
are not drunk. But even on television, Im 
not one of those comedians who'll stay on 
as long as you let them. Give Robin 
Williams five hours and he'll do five 
hours. Give me 20 minutes and ГИ say, 
“Will you settle for 15?” 

PLAYBOY: Let's talk a little about your 
morning show, the one that flopped so 
spectacularly in the ratings. After the dis- 
aster of Leave It to Dave, why did you go 
back to daytime TV? 

LETTERMAN: Well, at that time, I just 
wanted to do any show. I loved the idea 
that it would be live and, unlike Leave It to 
Dave, this time, everyone agreed in 
advance that we'd be going for a silly, 
inventive, off-the-wall comedy show. 
PLAYBOY: But was it ever explained to you 
that your audience would consist almost 
entirely of middle-aged housewives? 
LETTERMAN: Not until we were in over our 
heads. Anyway, that wouldn’t have de- 
terred me. Ourapproach wastodo theshow 
we wanted and let the audience find us. 
PLAYBOY: What was the first danger sign? 
LETTERMAN: The producer quit three days 
before we went on the air. Merrill had to 
function as both head writer and producer 
until we could find someone else. She did a 
great job of holding things together; but 
through naiveté and inexperience, we 
made plenty of mistakes. After only a 
month, the show had been canceled in five 
markets, including Boston, Detroit and 
San Francisco. And after that, it was dom- 
inoes tumbling. Eventually, we hired 
Barry Sand to produce and Merrill went 
back to writing and the show really began 
to come together. The ratings in the 
remaining markets were improving, too. 
But it was too late. The network had to 
restore those affiliates, and the only way to 
do that was to cancel cur show. 

PLAYBOY: While your morning show was 
still on the air, it was best known for hav- 
ing already failed. That must have caused 
а hell of a morale problem. 

LETTERMAN: It was odd. Every day, while 
we were struggling to put the show togeth- 
er, there'd be a story in the paper foretell- 
ing our doom. It eventually got to be fun. 
We created a kind of bunker mentality, 
trying to do as many unusual things as 
possible before the end came. But in reali- 
ty, I thought Га never be able to do a 
show again 

PLAYBOY: We heard you once had a fire on 
the set and, the show being what it was, 
the fire became the show. 

LETTERMAN: Yeah, we were having a 40th 
anniversary party for a couple and—— 
PLAYBOY: That was your show? An anni- 
versary party for a strange couple? 
LETTERMAN: By the end, we were doing all 
kinds of wacky things. And this party was 
great. The couple had invited all their 


friends, and it was catered and decorated. 
A band was playing. People were dancing. 
And while the couple were cutting the 
cake, we were dropping tulip petals on the 
entire aggregation. But we also had these 
giant sparklers going, and the sparklers 
began to ignite the flower petals. So, all of 
a sudden, everybody was standing around 
in these little pockets of flame. And then a 
stagehand came out with a fire eštin- 
guisher and that just made the fire spread. 
Plus, the studio audience suddenly 
thought they were about to become 
charred remains and all of this was going 
out over the air. In the end, of course, no 
опе was hurt. But phrases like “ill-fated” 
were constantly being used to describe the 
morning show, and I don’t think that’s 
ever a good sign. 

PLAYBOY: When the show was canceled, did 
your relationship with Merrill suffer? 
LETTERMAN: It produced a lot of tension 
between us, yeah. 

PLAYBOY: When did it begin to break? 
LETTERMAN; After a couple cf months—and 
it was nothing specific. We just got used to 
the sudden inactivity and frustration, and 
even though I thought I probably would 
never get another shot on TV, I eventually 
started saying to myself, “So what?” and 
went on with my life. But then, incredibly, 
NBC came to me with a new contract. 
PLAYBOY: Did you get a raise? 

LETTERMAN: No; but, of course, that is the 
way things seem to work in television, isn’t 
it? You keep getting bigger and bigger 
money each time something fails. 
PLAYBOY: From the moment that ncw con- 
tract arrived, you must have felt in your 
heart of hearts that what you really 
wanted was Tom Snyder's slot. 
LETTERMAN: Yes, that's true. Everyone 
seemed to feel that my morning show 
would have fared much better later on. 
And I knew I didn’t want the 11:30 job— 
too much pressure. So the Tomorrow-show 
time slot was definitely what I wanted. But 
it just didn’t make sense to me that NBC 
would part company with Snyder. 1 
always found him very entertaining. And 
Рт surprised that to date he has not re- 
surfaced in a similar format, but he will. 
PLAYBOY: But Snyder was forced out to 
make way for you. And Late Night was a 
tremendous hit from the start. 

LETTERMAN: Well, we knew what we 
wanted to do and whom we wanted to doit 
with. We brought Barry Sand back as 
producer—he'd been producing SCTV in 
the meantime—and Merrill as head 
writer and Hal Gurnee, а wonderful and 
extremely creative guy who, incidentally, 
used to be Jack Paar’s director, to direct. 
We hired а small staff of bright, funny, sen- 
sitive people who never want to go to the 
Polo Lounge for Perrier. In fact, the staff is 
so wonderful and we've al! become so close 
that I can truly say I never feel the need to 
get away from the show and be with my 
friends. I'm always with friends. 175 
almost like being with fai 
PLAYBOY: Thc first Late Night, with Bill 


Murray as your guest, established an any- 
thing-can-happen-here attitude that you 
have hung on to. Was that the attitude you 
wanted to establish or did it just happen? 
LETTERMAN: I want viewers to feel that any- 
thing can happen on our show. When 
there's real jeopardy, that’s when the fun 
begins. But that first show might have 
been just a touch too unstructured. 
PLAYBOY: Because of Murray? 

LETTERMAN: Yeah. [Laughs, tries to answer 
but laughs again] When we asked Bill to be 
on our first show, he said he'd like to do 
something different: Could he come up 
to the office and talk with the writers and 
see what they could come up with togeth- 
er? 1 said, “Great.” So he arrived one 
afternoon when Merrill and I were out 
shooting a remote and brought six half- 
gallon bottles of whatever tequila was on 
sale, and he and the entire stall proceeded 
to get shit-faced all afternoon. When I got 
back, the place was a shambles; everyone 
was dangerously drunk; all the lamps were 
hidden, because Bill had convinced them 
that the fluorescent lights were draining 
their vitamin E; nothing had been written; 
and the only explanation I could get out of 
anyone was “Bill was here.” And when we 
did go on the air, Bill didn’t want to do 
any of the things we had finally gotten 
around to preparing. Instead, he had a 
sudden urge to sing Let's Get Physical and 
do aerobics. So he did. And it was very 
funny. 

PLAYBOY: You say you loved the fact that 
your afternoon show was live, but Lute 
Night is taped. Why? 

LETTERMAN: That's done only for logistics 
and not because we or the network have 
any interest in censoring the show or doing 
retakes. Late Night is a live show on video 
tape. You’ve got to keep the tape rolling no 
matter what; otherwise, you lose that ele- 
ment of jeopardy 1 mentioned before. And 
once that’s gone, you may as well bring in 
props and sets and dancers and start doing 
The Barbara Mandrell Show, For example, 
we were supposed to have Levon Helm on 
and he was late. We could have stopped 
the tape and waited for him, but, instead, 
1 brought out segment producer Gerard 
Mulligan and said, “Well, Gerard, if 
Levon had been here tonight, what would 
he have talked about?" And we did a 
whole interview that way. Then Gerard 
mentioned that Levon's manager was 
backstage, and I asked him to come out 
But he didn't want to. So we went back 
into the greenroom and met him therc. 
Then we talked with some of the staff and 
the others waiting to go on. I love stuff like 
that. When something collapses, it's fun to 
see what I can build out of the wreckage. 
PLAYBOY: Have any guests or incidents 
made you want to stop the tape? 
LETTERMAN: The only guest who really 
bothered me was Andy Rooney—and he 
was especially disappointing, because here 
was а man I'd admired for a long, long 
time. Years before 60 Minutes, Andy had 
done a scries of news specials that ] think 


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represented American television at its 
best: entertaining, intelligent—absolutely 
state-of-the-art stuff. But when you actu- 
ally meet the guy, you quickly discover 
that he doesn’t just appear to be a nasty 
curmudgeon, he is a nasty curmudgeon. 
PLAYBOY: What did he do? 

LETTERMAN: The first thing he said when һе 
sat down was “I don’t do interviews, and 
from what I understand, you don't do 
them very well, so this should be quite a 
combination.” And the segment went 
downhill from there. It’s disappointing 
when you finally get to meet someone you 
admire and he conducts himself as a jerk. 
PLAYBOY: Although your show has been 
both a critical and a popular success, 
many viewers have felt that interviewing is 
your weakest point. 

LETTERMAN: I think some of that criticism 
has been unfair. We took Snyder's time 
slot but not his place. Our interviews 
aren't supposed to go any deeper than The 
Tonight Shou's. We want our guests to Бе 
entertaining; we don't want to do This 
Week with David Brinkley. ГИ take my full 
share of responsibility for being inept on 
any count, but part of the problem has 
been a difference in expectations. 

PLAYBOY: But if you book a guest with 
something serious to say, as you sometimes 
do, and then try to conduct a superficial, 
entertaining interview, it won't work, 
LETTERMAN: You're right, and we've defi- 
nitely made mistakes with our bookings. 
For example, we had Gerry Spence, the 
attorney for Karen Silkwood's family, and 
we weren't tooled to handle him. I’ve 
spent most of my life trying to be funny, 
not studying political science. I'm just not 
that guy. So you won't see me steal Ted 
Koppel’s guests again. 

PLAYBOY: What clsc do you think has been 
wrong with your interviews? 

LETTERMAN: When a guest stalls, I get 
nervous. Probably because I’m so shy by 
nature, when a person I’m with is low, I 
get low. If a guest doesn’t want to put out, 
it’s very difficult for me to whip him into 
shape. It’s often said that an essential abil- 
ity for a talk-show host is to get things 
going at all costs. But I just can’t do that. 
PLAYBOY: What else can’t you do? 
LETTERMAN: It frequently happens that a 
guest is on to plug a movie and I think that 
picture stinks. Im supposed to say, “It 
was a marvelous cinematic work and you 
and the crew should be immortalized,” 
but I can't and I don't. I also have trouble 
asking many of the traditional questions: 
“Is there a special guy or gal in your life? 
Which do you prefer doing, comedy or 
drama?” That makes me uncomfortable. 
PLAYBOY: But overall, do you agree that 
your interviews have been weak? 
LETTERMAN: Sometimes, sure. And I put a 
lot of time into improving them. I study 
the tapes and read the criticism very care- 
fully. The interviews don’t come second 
nature to me, so 1 have to keep monitoring 
that aspect of my work. 

PLAYBOY: Many people feel that your best 


moments have come when, almost like a 
kid, you say what everyone is thinking but 
no well-adjusted adult would dare come 
out with. For example, in the midst of an 
interview with the rather intimidating 
fight promoter Don King, who’s as famous 
for his electric-shock Afro as he is for his 
extravagant promotions, you blurted out, 
“бо, tell me, Don, what's the story with 
your hair?” It was a great moment. King 
was startled, and the audience’s laughter 
was prolonged by his inability to reply. 
LETTERMAN: That did work well, but more 
because of Don than because of me. I 
mean, here's an extremely nice man who's 
also a real showbiz salesman. He's full of 
crap and he knows it—and that's what I 
love about him. If you broke into Don's 
home in the middle of the night and awak- 
ened him out of a deep sleep—which I 
have done, by the way—I think he would 
be the first to admit that he learned early 
on how to sell the sizzle and not the steak. 
PLAYBOY: You may be right about King’s 
part in making that moment work, 
because when you asked the same ques- 
tion of Nastassja Kinski, it was a disaster. 
LETTERMAN: I was nervous about her going 
їп. I mean, what can you talk with her 
about? Her father is strange. We don’t 
want to get into her teenage relationship 
with Roman Polanski. Then out she comes 
and it looks as if she has her hair wired 
around a nine iron. So I figured, Anyone 
who appears like that on television must 
be doing it for a joke. You've got to trust 
your instincts, and my instincts said, 
“This woman has a barn owl on her head; 
ask her about the barn owl.” But the 
hairdo wasn't a joke, and she got insulted 
and withdrew. I felt really uncomfortable. 
PLAYBOY: That'll teach you to go with your 
instincts. 

LETTERMAN: No, ГЇЇ always do things like 
that. It’s a good way to loosen the struc- 
ture of the show. And if it fails, it fails. 
PLAYBOY: Paul Shafler’s comical character 
provides a nice counterpoint to your cyni- 
cism. Was that something designed, or did 
it just happen? 

LETTERMAN: Paul was originally hired 
solely for the music. We wanted old R&B 
stuff and good, solid rock ’n’ roll—the 
kind of music you never hear on TV talk 
shows. But while we were talking with 
him, we were reminded of all the wonder- 
ful things he had done on Saturday Night 
Live, playing Don Kirshner and Marvin 
Hamlisch. And he is a very, very funny 
guy. So we just naturally began utilizing 
more and more of his talents. 

PLAYBOY: But where did that character 
come from? 

LETTERMAN: From Paul, who really does 
love showbiz kitsch. It’s his hobby. He 
records The Jerry Lewis Labor Day Telethon 
and plays back Jerry introducing Chad 
Everett 100 times in a row. On vacations, 
he goes to Las Vegas and listens to lounge 
comics and lounge piano players and 
memorizes their clichés. It’s not that he’s 
making fun of it; he’s fascinated by it. 


PLAYBOY: What you say makes us wonder if 
the character he plays really is a character. 
LETTERMAN: When people come up to me 
on the street, probably the most asked 
question is "Is Paul Shaffer for real?" 
What he does is an extension of an aspect 
of his personality. So it would not be inac- 
curate to say, “Yeah, that’s him.” But he’s 
also a very nice man; a sweet, sensitive 
human being. Sce? Maybe it is impossible 
to describe Paul without lapsing into those 
stupid showbiz clichés. You know him, you 
love him, you can’t live without him. 
PLAYBOY: Whom have you been excited to 
have on the show—or excited to meet? 
LETTERMAN: This may sound crazy, but I 
found myself really looking forward to 
meeting Johnny Bench. I was excited to 
meet Simon and Garfunkel, Steve Martin 
and Andy Rooney—and then very disap- 
pointed by him. Believe it or not, I was 
also excited to meet Howard Cosell, whom 
T've always admired. 

PLAYBOY: An odd list. 

LETTERMAN: Hey, I’m an odd guy, but you 
gotta love mc. 

PLAYBOY. You dress very nicely on the 
show; but outside the studio, we've yet to 
see you in anything but jeans and a 
T-shirt- 
LETTERMAN: Merrill's mother says she 
watches just to see me in а suit. 

PLAYBOY: This is an awkward question to 
ask an adult, but do you dress yourself? 
LETTERMAN: The show has two gentlemen 
on staff whose job it is to do everything 
with clothes that I, after 37 years, am still 
unable to do. I just don't have my personal 
life sufficiently organized to know which 
shirts go with which pants and have them 
all cleaned and pressed at the same time. I 
have nothing but admiration for people 
who always seem to know that on Tuesday 
they pick up their slacks and on Thursday 
they pick up their shirts. I don’t like doing 
it, m not any good at it and having 
people to do it for me is one of the great 
things about show business. 

PLAYBOY: You've occasionally been criti- 
cized, particularly after vacations, for your 
hair's being somewhat unkempt- 
LETTERMAN: Yes, yes. It’s just that I never 
know when to get a haircut. I know that 
sounds odd, but if I get a haircut when І 
think I need one, I’m a week late. For a 
while, I was getting it cut every week, but 
that was too often. Hair, like clothing, is 
yet another aspect of life that after 37 
years, I still haven’t learned to manage by 
myself. Pretty pathetic, I'd say. 

PLAYBOY: Recently, you appeared visibly 
angry at a stupid-pet-tricks contestant 
who used his puppy like a bowling ball. 
LETTERMAN: Yeah, that was a mistake on 
our part. The dog wasn’t hurt or even 
frightened, but we've been policing our 
stupid pet tricks a lot more carefully since 
then. 

PLAYBOY: Do you have an all-time favorite 
stupid pet trick? 

LETTERMAN: That would have to be the guy 


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PLAYBOY 


who trained his dog to go to the 7-Eleven 
store with a ten-dollar bill in a rubber 
band around its paw. The dog would pull 
a six-pack out of the freezer and put it on 
the counter. The cashier would take the 
money, put the beer and the change in a 
bag, and the dog would carry the bag 
home in its mouth. 

PLAYBOY: Do your dogs, Bob and Stan, do 
any stupid pet tricks? 

LETTERMAN: I like to think so. Bob sounds 
exactly the way I do when he eats potato 
chips. And if you give Stan the names of 
three early television comedicnnes—Bca 
Benaderet, Vivian Vance and Lucille 
Ball—the one he always chooses as his 
favorite is Lucille Ball. That comes, of 
course, not from watching Fifties television 
but from his association of the word ball 
with endless hours of fun. Nevertheless, 
it's a wonderfully stupid pet trick to sit 
Stan down and say, “OK, Stan, who did 
you like best? Did you like Bea 
Benaderet?” And, of course, there will be 
no response from Stan. So then you say, 
“How about Vivian Vance?” Again, noth- 
ing from Stan. “Stan, one more name: 
Lucille Ball.” And suddenly he’s up, run- 
ning and jumping and making whelping 
noises. Now, you tell me: If that’s not a 
network-quality stupid pet trick, what is? 
PLAYBOY: Who is Larry "Bud" Melman, 
and what is he doing on your show? 
LETTERMAN: He’s an actor named Calvert 
DeForest who’s done some theater and 
film work, but live TV is definitely not his 
strong suit. We thought he was a real odd 
touch and began looking for ways to incor- 
porate him. I like the guy. He's not the 
best actor in the world, nor is he the best- 
looking man in the world, yet I find him 
genuinely entertaining. 

PLAYBOY: Continuing with the theme of 
strange people on your show, Pee-wee 
Herman is a frequent guest despite the fact 
that a sizable chunk of the American view- 
ing public finds him objectionable. 
LETTERMAN: Pcc-wcc splits people right 
down the middle. They cither really enjoy 
him or can’t stand him. But to me, he's a 
great guest. A lot of brain power has gone 
into that little character he plays, and he 
executes some very witty material without 
straying from that context. He's a profes- 
sional. He won't let you down. And you 
won’t see Pee-wee Herman on The Tonight 
Show. In fact, I don’t know where else 
you'll see him 

PLAYBOY: One of your regular guests, Andy 
Kaufman, passed away this year. Be hon- 
est: When you first heard about his illness, 
did you think it was a prank? 

LETTERMAN: Yes, and so did the people who 
told me about it, Even after he was gone, 
people were saying, “Is Andy Kaufman 
really dead?” As sick as that sounds, 1 
think that in a peculiar way, it's a tribute 
to Andy's unique talent. I think exagger- 
ated culogies are in poor taste, so I'm not 
going to pretend to have considered Andy 
America’s best value for your entertain- 
ment dollar just because he’s gone. But he 


was one of my favorite guests and we had 
on the show as often as we could get 
im, because I think it’s important to have 
guests who annoy the public. It feels good 
to scream at the TV once in a while, to go 
to work the next day and tell everyone how 
annoyed you are. Andy was a real show- 
man. And he was unique. 

PLAYBOY: Do you watch much TV? 
LETTERMAN: If there's a show I like, such as 
Cheers, ГИ make a point of watching it. 
But I don’t like too many others. 

PLAYBOY: Do you follow Dallas or Dynasty 
or Hill Street Blues? 

LETTERMAN: No, and | don't think I'd rec- 
ognize Joan Collins if backed up over her 
in my truck. But I must say I do enjoy 
watching The Love Boat. To me, that’s 
American TV at it’s finest. 

PLAYBOY: Because it’s so bad? 

LETTERMAN: I won’t go on record saying 
The Love Boat is bad TV. It’s solid Ameri- 
can fare, and there’s no mystery as to why 
it has succeeded. Every week, people from 
other television shows are thrown together 
in what's presented as a glamorous cir- 
cumstance. And I get a kick out of that. 


“I just don’t have 
my personal life 
sufficiently organized 
to know which shirts 
go with which pants and 
have them all cleaned and 
pressed at the same time.” 


But I do love bad TV. And I, too, must 
confess to loving the Jerry Lewis telethon. 
One summer, Merrill and [ had a house in 
the Hamptons and we couldn't get the 
channel the telethon was on. So I built a 
big roof antenna myself just to watch that 
опе show. A volatile guy in a volatile cir- 
cumstance with no sleep in front of a live 
Las Vegas audience at two the 
morning—you just don’t get that kind of 
excitement anywhere else. 

PLAYBOY: Building your own antenna? You 
must be a pretty handy guy. 

LETTERMAN: Yes, and I’m very resourceful. 
I'd be good in prison. I'd be good in a 
shipwreck. Га make a great hostage. Oh, 1 
have talents aplenty. Unfortunately, pre- 
cious few of them have any redeeming 
social valuc. 

PLAYBOY: Did you catch Jerry Lewis’ talk 
show this past summer? 

LETTERMAN: Oh, yes. And I think that if 
that show gets a fair shot this fall, it will 
find a wide audience. There apparently 
are millions of people in this country who 
have a reverential attitude toward show 
business and show-business personalities, 
and those people couldn’t get a more crys- 
tallized offering than The Jerry Lewis Show. 


Every single guest was treated with relent- 
less adulation. I watched it every night 
and found it most entertaining. 

PLAYBOY: Aside from comedy and baseball, 
what interests you? 

LETTERMAN: Last night, I went to sleep 
thinking about the new solar system 
they've discovered. I did а sort of exercise 
in which I placed myself first on this plan- 
et, then in this solar system, then in this 
galaxy, then in the universe. It gave me a 
floating feeling of helplessness that I found 
curiously pleasant. 

PLAYBOY: Why? 

LETTERMAN: Because it took the pressure 
off. 1 mean, who am I fooling here? There 
are other things going on in the universe 
besides a nightly talk show. And there may 
even be other realities beyond this uni- 
verse. For all we know, our entire universe 
may exist in a Styrofoam beer cooler in 
somebody's garage. 

PLAYBOY: You've mentioned Bill Murray 
and Pee-wee Herman. Who else makes you 
laugh? 

LETTERMAN: That’s a long list of folks, and 
I'd hate to just rattle off names, because 
T'I) leave people out and feel bad later. 
PLAYBOY: That said, all the people you 
don’t mention can assume you love them 
but just happened to forget them today. 
LETTERMAN: You don’t know comedians; 
but, OK, here goes. John Candy always 
makes me laugh, regardless of what he’s 
doing. When I was a kid, Jonathan Win- 
ters made me laugh really hard. Predicta- 
bly, I always loved watching Steve Allen 
and Johnny Carson. 1 enjoy Bob 
Newhart’s stand-up work, and 1 respect 
the fact that he’s done successful TV 
shows over three decades. That really 
means something. Steve Martin is another 
guy who makes me laugh regardless of the 
context. And there's Bill Cosby, who's 
always good and has the special gift of 
making complex stand-up material seem 
effortless. Eugene Levy of SCTV has that 
same effortlessness in his comic acting. 
Richard Pryor’s stuff is just flat-out state of 
the art. When I watch him, it’s like a 180 
hitter's watching Ted Williams take bat- 
ting practice. Also in that class is George 
Carlin, because of his great technique, 
because he's so amazingly prolific and 
because he's gone from generation to gener- 
ation and he’s still right in there. Among 
the newer people, Í like Jay Leno’s 
observational comedy. I think he’s very 
bright. 

PLAYBOY: How about comic actors? 
LETTERMAN: I have a lot of respect for 
Danny DeVito of Taxi, Andrea Martin of 
SCTV. ... It’s interesting: The more Г 
think about it, the more people I think of — 
which I guess is a good sign. 

PLAYBOY: Well, it certainly seems that for a 
basically depressed guy, you spend a lot of 
time laughing. 

LETTERMAN: [Laughs] 1 suppose I do. 
PLAYBOY: What kind of humor don’t you 
like? 

LETTERMAN; I don’t like jokes about sex or 


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bodily functions or drug use or the difler- 
ence between New York and L.A. I never 
do any of that on our show. And I don’t 
like stand-up comedy that requires a lot of 
props. I really respect people who can 
walk out onstage alone and with no other 
tool but their own minds and can make 
you laugh and maybe even think a little. 
PLAYBOY: Are you now or have you ever 
been a fan of Saturday Night Live? 
LETTERMAN: Í rarely saw the original ver- 
sion, because 1 was always onstage at The 
Comedy Store at 11:30 Saturday nights, so 
my only clear memory of the original show 
is envy of those young performers who had 
such great jobs. Looking back at the re- 
runs now, I think the underlying strength 
of the show was Dan Aykroyd's relentless 
pursuit of detail. Among the others, Jane 
Curtin had the gift of really going to work 
on things. Gilda Radner, of course, can 
pretty much do anything, You can put her 
in any situation and she’s money in the 
bark. John Belushi brought a lot of energy 
to things. Bill Murray, as I’ve said, makes 
me laugh really hard every time out. I 
haven't seen the show enough since those 
days to comment on it. 

PLAYBOY: Do you find yourself hanging out 
mostly with show-business people? 
LETTERMAN: No, not at all. 

PLAYBOY: You and Merrill have been 
together for more than seven years, you're 
both in your mid-30s and still have no 
kids. Gan you see your life being happy 
and fulfilled if you never have children? 
LETTERMAN: Probably not. The longer Im 
in show business, the less I like it—and I 
know that’s how America feels about me. 
So Гуе realized there are other things 
grownups should be and need to be con- 
cerned with—such as kids. A recent sur- 
vey purports to prove that the majority of 
couples today who have children are sorry 
they had them. That certainly gives me 
pause. I’m also concerned that I won't be 
able to take care ofa kid, God knows, т 
only marginally able to take care of myself. 
What if I suddenly got the kid’s head 
caught in a revolving door? And having 
been married once, I’m perhaps a bit more 
shy to jump in again than Merrill is, who 
has never been married. But she’s not as 
anxious as 1 am to start a family. So our 
relationship is sort of at a plateau 
PLAYBOY: Rumors were strong this past 
summer that you and Merrill had become 
engaged 

LETTERMAN: Well . . . I suppose we're 
engaged, yeah. When we get married, it 
will be to each other. We just can't seem to 
get around to getting married. We talk 
about it and make arrangements and then 
say, "Ahhh, let's wait a while." It's sad 
that at the age of 37 I can still be that silly 
about an important subject. 

PLAYBOY: Do you vote? 

LETTERMAN: No. With all this moving back 
and forth, my registration has lapsed and, 
well... 

PLAYBOY: Do you consider yourself politi- 
cally interested to any extent? 


LETTERMAN: If there were somebody who 
captured the interest of the people I 
respect, I'd probably be interested in vot- 
ing for that person. But I know so little 
about politics that Pd never throw my 
support to one candidate or another. ГА 
hate to think there were people in America 
saying, “Well, hell, Letterman likes him; 
let's vote for the son of a bitch.” 

PLAYBOY: Do you now consider yourself 
successful? 

LETTERMAN: No, but I am at the end of the 
road 1 always dreamed of traveling. For 
better or worse, this is the property 1 
picked out of the catalog; I'm finally here. 
PLAYBOY: That must feel good. 

LETTERMAN: It removes a lot of self- 
imposed pressure. I’m relaxed enough to 
look around for the first time and perhaps 
explore those regions of the world that 
exist outside show business. Until now, I 
couldn't. One reason comics in particular 
tend to be such a peculiar and unhappy 
and not very well-adjusted group is that 
it’s always you against the fucking world. 
When you're onstage, it’s you against the 
audience. When you're at The Comedy 
Store, it's you against the other 


“I hate the notion 
that celebrities deserve 
to be treated with 
some kind of deference. 
I don’t want to be 
a showbiz asshole.” 


comedians—always that single-minded 
struggle. Now, suddenly, the struggle is 
over and I want to be involved in other 
things. I want to find out what real people 
do for a life. 1 want to be married and have 
a family and go on vacation—just do пог- 
mal things. 

PLAYBOY: Like what? 

LETTERMAN: Like maybe even do зоте- 
thing totally different for a living. 
PLAYBOY: Sell insurance, perhaps? 
LETTERMAN: Well, I'm having some work 
done on the house we own in Connecticut, 
and I find that fills me with endless glee. 
When | was a kid, a friend and I had a tree 
house that we never stopped building, 
because it was the work we loved, not the 
tree house. I could be а carpenter—just go 
down to the union hall and sign up for day 
labor. That would be nice. Merrill hates 
all that stuff, but I find it exhilarating. 
Maybe someday ГИ quit show business 
and throw up a development of low- 
income tree houses. 

PLAYBOY: Do you handle your own finan- 
cial affairs? 

LETTERMAN: No, I have people who do that 
for me, but nothing is done without my 


knowledge. 1 haven’t just turned over а 
tubful of dough to these people and said, 
“Here you go, boys. Anything you want.” 
PLAYBOY: Isn’t that a little frightening, to 
give other people control of your money? 
LETTERMAN: Yeah, but on the other hand, 
when I was handling my own money, even 
when I wasn’t making very much, I got 
myself into enough trouble to know that 
Га be a fool to continue on a larger scale. 
Now people are going to read this and say, 
“That wimp. What a weasel!" Sure, it is 
embarrassing that a grown man can’t look 
after his own affairs. But on the other 
hand, somebody's got to entertain this 
country. 

Let me assure you that by TV stand- 
ards, 1 don’t make а hell of a lot of money. 
I just make a lot of money by real-life 
standards. That stuf is for the prime-time 
guys. The thing you really have to avoid— 
aside from going to prison for fucking up 
your taxes—is letting the money and the 
recognition a performer naturally receives 
make you feel like an especially worth- 
while person. I have no evidence that 1 
should feel anything but lucky for what 
has happened to me, and I certainly have 
no evidence that I’m a better person than 
anyone else. But most successful perform- 
ers seem eventually to come to the conclu- 
sion that they are better people. It’s 
amazing. And it’s very silly. 

PLAYBOY: But the money is nice, and a fa- 
mous name and face can make daily life a 
little bit easier for the celebrity than for the 
average person. What was it like for you 
when you started getting that recognition? 
LETTERMAN: І can remember being home 
for the holidays soon after I'd first hosted 
The Tonight Show. An old friend and I 
were doing Christmas shopping іп 
Indianapolis, and some of the people who 
went by recognized me. One said, “Оһ, 
look, there's Dave Letterman." And 
another said, “Are we supposed to be 
impressed?” And | remember thinking, 
You're right. You're not supposed to be 
impressed. If you happened to see me per- 
form and I happened to make you laugh, 
great. That's all Im in it for. 

PLAYBOY: Don't you like being recognized? 
LETTERMAN: Sure, I love being recognized 
as a guy who sometimes makes you laugh 
on those occasions when you've got noth- 
ing better to do than tune in to my show. 
But I hate the notion that celebrities 
deserve to be treated with some kind of 
deference. I guess what I'm saying is that I 
don’t want to be a showbiz asshole. There 
are enough of them already. 1 don't mind 
being accused of being a bad comedian 
and I don’t even mind being accused of 
being a bad talk-show host, but 1 never 
want to be accused of being an arrogant, 
pompous showbiz asshole. 

PLAYBOY: Sounds like you’re writing your 
epitaph. 

LETTERMAN: I couldn’t hope for a better 
опе: DAVE LETTERMAN. HE WASN'T FUNNY, BUT 
HE WASN'T AN ASSHOI 


MYC. © 1984 


»p- 


 CONTREAU LIQUEUR. 80 PROOF IMPORTEO FROM FRANCE BY COINTREAU AMERICA, INC. 


| LQUEZUR SPECIALITE 
о ANGERS 
FRANCE 


WHEN REAL 
MEN MEET 
REAL WOMEN 


in this california 
encounter, they come 


together to lay most o 
the cards on the ran A 


article by 
Е. JEAN CARROLL 


HIs1s going to be heavy.” 
T Right” 

“If you publish it, there 
could be a problem.” 

“Fine.” 

“So I am going to tell you,” he 

8. 
“Right,” I say. 

“And if you fuck me over, PU kill 
you.” 

“Right. Fine.” 

He leans across the kitchen 
table. “Eighteen years ago,” Jerry 
ipkii s “I was nicknamed 
ж. I went to Cornell 
and became a lawyer. I shed that 
skin and left the water. I began 
doing good works. I saw that men 
and women had bitched at each 
other for centuries. I started tear- 
ing down the walls between the 
sexes. I began breaking people 
down into Generic Man and 
Generic Woman. Y discovered a 
way men could find out what 
women want—and women could 
find out what men want. People 
started flocking. We began the 
Real Men/Real Women work- 
shops. Since then, I have devel- 
oped something of a Messiah 
complex. I am not the Messiah. I 
do not have anything to do with 
the Messiah. But if you scripted 
this, Г am what the Messiah 
would look like.” 

He is a handsome man with a 
bad figure. “I am a forceful per- 
sonality,” he says. “I want to win 
the Nobel Peace Prize by 1988.” 

“So what does Generic Woman 
want?” I say. 

“Generic Woman wants a 
generic piece of ass,” he says. 

“Апа Generic Man?” 

“Generic Man,” he says. “Ge- 
neric Man wants a little mettle, a 


ILLUSTRATION BY DAVE CALVER. 


PLAYBOY 


little housekeeping, a little chicken soup 
and a good blow job.” 

1 am petrified with pleasure. 

"I'm going to have to use that thing 
about your complex," I say. 

"Sure," he says, getting up from the 
table. He is a tall, thin man, narrow- 
chested, splayfoot, wearing a purple-rayon 
shirt. 

"Sure," he says, smiling and stepping 
backward. “What am I but the true 
PLAYBOY Messiah?" 

. 

This is а tale about what women want 
and what men want and what happens 
when they start telling each other what it 
is. Of course, if there weren’t some silence 
between men and women, enjoyment 
would be impossible. (A few of the people 
I spoke with preferred semisilence: They 
asked that I change their names.) 

Maria Arapakis, cofounder with Jerry 
Lipkin of the Real Men/Real Women 
workshops, is standing in the activities 
room of Alderwood Hall on the campus of 
Mills College in Oakiand, California, tell- 
ing 25 women to be assertive. The women 
are sitting on the floor in groups, and each 
group has a tablet, and Maria tells them to 
be assertive and write down any messages 
they want to send to the men. It is the sec- 
ond day of the three-day workshop, and 
the women are not being assertive. Asser- 
tive women are women with bad manners. 
These women are not assertive. These 
women have had experience with men. 
These women are aggressive. 

“So what do you want our messages to 
the men to Бе?” says Suzette to her group, 
over by the couch. 

"Don't be such assholes,” says Sandra. 

Suzette starts writing. 

“Stop peeing on the toilet seat,” says 
Lorraine. 

“These sound sort of hostile,” says 
Suzette. 

“Stop slobbering on my mouth while 
you're kissing me,” says Freda. Freda has 
a small, beautifully built rear and a Ph.D. 
in psychology and has written a book 
called Hypnosis with Friends and Lovers 
and says she is taking Real Men/Real 
Women because she wants to meet men 
and is interested in “exploring intimacy at 
the deepest levels of consciousness.” 

“Let’s think of something nice,” says 
Suzette. 

“Stop 
Sandra. 

"Stop having erections when 1 don't 
want you to,” says Freda. 

“Well, you guys,” says Suzette, writing. 

“Stop snoring,” says Lorraine. 

“Stop farting,” says Sandra. 

Suzette pauses. She is a soft-voiced, 
white-skinned, full-bosomed woman and 
has just “соте out of a relationship” and 
is taking the workshop because, she says, 
the main thing women want is to find out 
what men want. 


losing your erections,” says 


"I have опе,” she says softly. 

The women in the group do not cease 
talking. Outside in the courtyard, the rho- 
dodendrons darken in the electric light 
and the rancid odor of the goldfish pool 
comes in through the open windows. 

“Stop refusing to go down on me when I 
have my period,” says Suzette, over their 
voices. 

The women burst into a sitting ovation. 

“Wait—listen,” says Sandra, pulling 
her legs in and grasping her ankles. She is 
blonde and good-looking and used to be a 
model, and now she owns her own 
resource-and-development business and 
makes a pile of money and drives a 
Mercedes and has a flashy wardrobe and 
is at Real Men/Real Women to discover 
why men don’t take up with her. 

“The first man who ever went down on 
me,” she says, squeezing her ankles 
together, “1 had a tampon inside me and 
he put the string between his teeth and 
pulled it out and flung it across the room.” 

Freda clasps her hands, drops her chin 
and rolls her eyes up, and Suzette and 
Lorraine maintain a deathlike silence out 
of respect, and then Maria says it is time 
for everyone to practice the song they are 
going to sing to the men tomorrow night, 
and alter the song practice everybody is 
supposed to light а candle and tell about 
her passage into womanhood, but first 
Maria reads aloud the questions the 
women want to ask the men tomorrow 
morning, and the first question is “Why 
are some men threatened by successful, 
well-integrated, together women?” 

“I don't know about men,” says a wom- 
an, “but [% threatened by them.” 

. 


Gary and Guy are Real Men and are 
ready to talk about womcn. Guy is a 
spinologist and keeps a spinc in the corner 
of his office, where Gary and I are meeting 
him, and there is a spine on top of his desk 
and a drawing of a spine behind his desk 
and a book opened to a spine illustration 
by the window. Guy and Gary have taken 
the workshop. They know what they want 
in women and like to talk about elegant 
topics. Guy says he wants a smart woman 
who is sexy. “I like women to fall on top of 
me in a big puddle,” says Guy, “апа just 
kind of flow all over me. Whew! That gives 
me chills down my spine." 

“Yeah,” says Gary. "When I make love 
to a woman, I want that look.” 

Task what look. 

“The one that says, ‘You do it for me, 
baby,” " says Gary. 

"Lord have mercy on me," says Guy, 
pounding his desk. 

Guy is 29, has been married twice, is 
tall and blond and wears a blue tie with 
red dots and a tie tack in the shape of two 
hands holding a spinal cord. 

“So what flaws will you put up with in a 
woman?" I ask. 

Gary is sitting across the desk from Guy, 


leaning on his elbows. They ask what I 
mean by flaws. 

“А short temper?" I ask. 

“Yes”; a temper is OK, they say. 

“Messy housekeeping?” 

“Yes,” 

“Cursing?” 

"Yes 

“Smelling?” 

Silence. 

“Boy!” says Gary. “She's getting down, 
huh?” 

“Wheeew!” says Guy. 

“1 want to know,” I say. “I want to 
know about women and their smell.” 

Gary pulls his chair around so he can 
stretch his legs out. He is 6'4” or6'5", has a 
powder-blue sports coat and is quite an 
attractive specimen. 

“So tell me about women and their 
smell," I say. 

"Clean hair," says Gary. “Clean 
clothes—I love to peel beautiful clean 
clothes offa woman. And I like the smell of 
а woman's body. A woman's genital odor. 
1 must have a faint scent of it.” 

“Yeah,” says Guy. “I start following it.” 

“Yeah,” says Gary. 

“It’s got to be а clean odor, though,” 
says Guy. 

“Tt can’t be rotten,” says Gary. 

“Not too strong,” says Guy. 

“Jf she smells, I don't want anything to 
do with her,” says Gary. 

“God, no!" says Guy. 

l have been turning my neck looking 
from Guy to бағу and get a crook—no, I 
always have a crook; I get a bigger one— 
and Guy suddenly forgets about women 
and their smell and fixes his eyes on те. 

“Is something wrong with your neck?" 

“These pictures of all these spines 
around!” 1 cry. “They're driving me crazy!” 

“ГИ give you the name of a spinologist. 
You can call him when you get back to 
New York,” Guy says happily, opcning a 
little book. 

«ГИ never use it," I say. “I hate doc- 
tors.” 

His face falls. Only his nostrils seem 
inflated. 

“OK, I won’t give it to you,” he says, 


closing the book. “Hey. ...” He smiles. 
“It’s your spine! It's your life!” 
. 
An abstract expressionist named 


Barbara is staying upstairs in Alderwood 
Hall during the Real Men/Real Women 
workshop, and so is a man called Larry, 
an editor. The second night, Larry invites 
Barbara, who is pretty, to his room, which 
has twin beds. Larry looks to be in his 
mid-30s and has never married; but he 
says it would not take an exceptional 
woman: "Not at all,” says Larry. “It 
would just take if I could look in a wom- 

an's face and see my soul.” 
Barbara says does he mind if she opens 
the corn chips. Larry says to go ahead, and 
(continued on page 92) 


“OK! That’s it! No тоте Mr. Nice Guy!” 


АНИМЕ (СІРІ 
HIROMI 
WEIR AY 


text by BRUCE WILLIAMSON 


Ё ING то analyze the chemistry of 


Sonia Braga’s sex appeal is no 

simple task. It may be easier to 

explain electricity by trapping fire- 
flies in a bottle. The quick solution, per- 
haps, is to steal a line from the late 
Kenneth Tynan, the acerbic but percep- 
tive English critic, whose first face-to-face 
encounter with Greta Garbo moved him to 
rhapsodize, “What, when drunk, one sees 
in other women, one sees in Garbo sober.” 
Substitute Braga for Garbo and you're 
getting warm. 

Indeed, warm is too cool a word to sum- 
marize the accolades from journalists smit- 
ten by Sonia. After she brought the 

Zannes Film Festival to its knees in 1981, 
Newsweek's Jack Kroll hailed her as "the 
most life-enhancing movie star in the 
world.” Later, Kevin Thomas of the Los 
Angeles Times extolled her “blinding sexu- 
ality,” a hint that any man might plunge 
gladly into darkness if he could grope his 
way to Sonia 

My own first glimpse of Braga was at 
New York's Studio 54 in 1978. She wore a 
long, black, glittery gown held up by thin 
spaghetti straps that seemed to beg to be 
nibbled away. She danced like a panther in 
heat, jet hair flailing her shoulders, and all 
the dark young caballeros around her 
looked as frenzied as Latin lovers are sup- 
posed to be. The occasion was a party to 
celebrate the New York premiere of Dona 
Flor and Her Two Husbands, a comedy 
largely responsible for bringing Brazilian 
movies into (text continued on page 


Co-starred with Raul Julia (above) in Kiss of 
the Spider Waman, Sonia calls him beautiful. 
"| do а movie within the movie, about the 
Forties, | based my character an Dale Arden 
in Flash Gordon comics. You remember?" 


in their new films and in 
this tandem photo exclusive, 
sultry sonia braga and 


claudia ohana reveal what 
makes cinema novo sizzle 


both actresses, yet there are obvi- 

ous parallels in their careers. Both 
became national idols in their native Bra- 
zil by starring in TV soap operas. Braga’s 
was the original TV version of Gabriela, 
which established for the first time that 
an earthy, (rizzy-haired native Brazilian 
woman might be accepted as a sex symbol 
in a land where gentlemen traditionally 
prefer blue-eyed Nordic blondes. Ohana’s 
breakthrough was—and is—in another 
television saga called Love Is Paid with 
Love (or Amor com Amor se Paga, sounding 
better, somehow, in Portuguese). She's 
still shooting the series and seemed to be 
heartily sick of it when she showed up in 
New York on a brief promotional junket. 
“Tm the star,” Claudia sighed, “ап inno- 
cent girl who always sacrifices herself, 
which is not very interesting"—except to 
millions of Brazilians, that is. 

Her fifth feature film, Erendira, had yet 
to be released in Rio de Janeiro but was 
already establishing Ohana as a new 
world-class wow in much the way that 
Dona Flor and Her Two Husbands had 
made Braga synonymous with steam- 
heated sensuousness. Claudia’s title role, 

ascreenplay written by the Nobel Priz 
winning Colombian author Gabriel Garcia 
Márquez, features her as a teenager forced 
into prostitution by her greedy, flamboy- 
ant grandmother (Irene Papas). Directed 
by Ruy Guerra, the movie got mixed 
reviews in (texi concluded on page 214) 


о сап. Claudia Ohana a “new” 
] l Braga would be unfair to 


In her title role as Erendira, a legendary teen- 
aged prostitute, Claudia Ohana meets an amo- 
rous led named Ulysses (Oliver Wehe) and 
discovers the healthy joys af nonprofit sex. The 
kinky script is by Gabriel Garcia Márquez. 


£420, © 
ПГ 


м 
S 


Made in Manhattan by Richard Fegley, these photographs illustrate the reason a brand-new tropical heat wave seems to Бе building up 
around Cloudia Ohana (above and left). Even when she cools it, Claudia's pretty hot. While filming Erendira in Mexico, she wos chained to 
a bed, stark-naked, in a sunny public square. Did that faze her? “Not much, though people came to stare,” says Claudia. Wauldn’t you? 


Fegley's photo sessions with Sonia (cbove) are a languid montage of la dolce vita by a Brazilian boom-boom girl who's terribly 
of Rome. She's also mad about Fellini: “His Nights of Cabiria is my all-time-fovorite film. Yes, 1 have o dreom—to do a movie with Fellini 
Meanwhile, Sonia hos few regrets; one of them is thot her Spider Woman role doesn’t give her a single scene opposite sexy William Hurt. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD FEGLEY 


А 
g 
š 
Е 
Е 
$ 
2 
š 
š 
E 

3 
H 
5 

E 


"АЙ my life, intuition hos put 


luck. Says she, 


me in the right place at the right time.” 


PLAYBOY 


92 


REAL MEN/REAL WOMEN 


(continued from page 84) 


“The prospect of men and women telling each other 
the truth should strike anyone of sense with awe.” 


Barbara sits down on one of the beds. 

“God knows I shouldn't eat them," says 
Larry. “I have to clean my teeth an hour 
every night as it is. You name it, I do it. 
Boy, it's from floss to tooth paste to peri- 
odontal aids. My whole mouth is fucked.” 

Larry has his name tag on and a brown 
Shetland V-neck and jeans and is what 
women call nice-looking. He sits down 
across from Barbara on the other bed, 
cocks up a leg and takes off his shoe. 

“Women are here to find out what men 
want, Men are here to find out what 
women want" he says. "But I already 
know what women want. They want men 
to pay attention." 

“Yes!” says Barbara. 

“There are actually times,” says Larry, 
“before I go out on a date with a woman 
that I run through a litany: Pay attention 
to her. Listen to her. Compliment her if 
there is a reason.” 

“Women love that,” says Barbara. 

“Yeah,” says Larry, cocking his other 
leg. “I know what women want. They 
want men who are smart, sexy, funny, 
dangerous and who pay attention." 

"Ihe man who has those qualities,” 
says Barbara, wiping her lips, “һе could 
have any woman he likes." 

“Т have all those qualities," says Larry. 
m dangerous." 

“There must be one you haven't got,” 
says Barbara. 

Larry sits forward and gazes at the chips. 

“There must be one you don't have,” 
says Barbara. 

“Pardon me?" says Larry. 

. 


Gary is driving me back to my hotel 
from Сиу' office and there is a heart glued 
to the top of his gearshift and he says it is 
to remind him to drive with care, and then 
he says, “I'll be real honest with you, Jean. 
Ifyou were living around here, Га ask you 
to go out.” 

He casts a bashful lock at me. 

“Do you have lots of moncy?" I say, 
smiling (hoping to restore him to his 
senses). 

(Laughing, taking in a breath.) “Do Т 
have lots of money?” he says. 

“That’s what I want to know.” 

“How much money is a lot?” he asks, 
his voice dropping. 

“Well, I don't know.” 

"Well..." he says. A great bead of 
sweat falls down from his sideburn. “I 
have enough to do the things I want.” 

“Well, that could be enough," I say. 
“You know, women really like money.” 

“Hey! That's not what they tell us,” he 


says excitedly. 
“Well, they're lying.” 
His right ear twitches in real belief, and 
he blasts the car along. 
“Well, tell me about il!” he says. 
B 


The prospect of men and women telling 
each other the truth should strike anyone 
of sense with awe, even horror; but on the 
morning of the third day of the Real Men/ 
Real Women workshop, the men arc sit- 
ting on one side of the activities room, the 
women are sitting on the other, and Jerry 
Lipkin and Maria Arapakis have ad- 
dressed them (“The women will ask a 
question first. Then the men will have a 
chance to respond and give their varying 
points of view. When you stand and share 
your view, please speak only from your 
own experience . . .”). Things go nicely for 
a stretch, and then the men ask the women 
what a penis feels like in a vagina. Maria is 
one of the first to stand up. 

“Two things come to mind,” she says. 
“It feels warm and alive.” 

The men like this and they like Maria, 
though they are afraid of her. She is dark 
and dressed up, her hair pointed, almost 
pronged on her neck, and wearing brace- 
lets, black-and-bone earrings, a cobalt star 
on her cheek and pants that fit tight 
around the ankles. Maria’s son, Mark, a 
college boy, is sitting with the men and 
levels his eyes at the carpet. 

“What's also fun," adds Maria, "is Га 
man has a kind of half-on and he gets hard 
while he’s inside me.” Her son is wound 
tight, and his whole existence and function 
seem aimed at one spot on the carpet. 
“That feels good, too,” says Maria. 

Eight or nine more women stand and 
tell how a penis feels in a vagina, which 
seems to blow the whole penis-in-a-vagina 
experience out of proportion, but then, 
women think a penis in a vagina should be 
blown out of proportion. After a while, 
they run out of things to say. 

“What is the sexiest thing a woman can 
do to you?” they ask the men next. 

Arthur, who is short and portly, beard- 
ed, an ех-СВ$ journalist, with a hairy 
chest and a grayish-lavender shirt, and is 
now marketing director of a computer- 
communications company, stands with his 
hands in his pockets and waits for ацеп- 
tion with one foot slightly forward. 

“One of the towering experiences of my 
life,” he says, "was when I was dri a 
woman across the Golden Gate Bridge 
during commute hour. We got stuck. And 
out of nowhere came a wig, which she put 
on her head. She unzipped me and 


attacked me, just at the moment I was 
paying the toll.” The men break into 
applause. “That is high on my list of sexy 
things.” 

The men are still applauding. Arthur 
fans out his collar wings with his thumb 
and index finger, and behind the noise, a 
small voice starts talking. 

“To hear you say that in front of all 
these people” 

Maria’s face and neck suddenly flush 
red. 

“1 can’t understand it.” 

It is Mark, and he is on his feet. 

“I know,” says his mother softly 

“T never felt this way.” 

“T know,” she says more softly. 

“To hear you say how a penis felt in 
front of all these people——”” 

He lifts his face toward her. His fore- 
head looks as if it has been smeared with 
something white and jellylike. 

“Гт angry about it,” he says in a low 
voice. “Апа I need to leave the room.” 

Stan, the sexologist, gets up and follows 
him. Nobody else moves. It is as if every- 
one is sitting at a dinner party, and the 
dinner party has been jovial and stimulat- 
ing, and suddenly one of the guests gorges 
himself on pig guano. 

“Tt was hard for me not to rescue him,” 
says Maria shortly after the door closes. 
Her hand is at her waist and pressing into 
her belt buckle. 

“It took courage for Mark to share,” 
says Freda. 

“What is also interesting to me,” says 
Maria, “is that I didn’t think twice about 
saying it. He's been in the workshop 
before. I've never watched what I said. 
He's seen me for 15 years as a single wom- 
an. I never watched what I did, either.” 

She laughs nervously. 

Larry casts an uncertain glance at her, 
wondering whether or not to take his turn; 
and then a rattle is heard, the door bangs 
and Mark walks back into the room. The 
men rise to their feet and begin clapping. 
Mark, who is, with one or two exceptions, 
taller than any of the other males, goes to 
his chair but does not sit down. 

“I can listen to all these people," he 
says, “but when you say it——" He looks 
at his mother. 

Maria’s face and neck are still red and 
tense, and she is sitting straight up in her 
chair. 

“Intellectually, I know you have sex,” 
says Mark, “but there is something more 
than intellectual going on.” 

“Yes, I know," says Maria quietly. 

“And I just want to say”—he glances 
over at the women—“I don’t like the 
question. It’s a little too porno. And that's 
my view ofit. And I am ready to continue.” 

He sits down, folds his hands in his lap, 
crosses his ankle over his knee and fixes his 
eyes on the carpet. The men and women 
are silent. Ten or 15 seconds pass. 

(continued on page 208) 


“Hey, this one looks interesting and it says, ‘Easy to assemble!’” 


fiction 


By GAHAN WILSON 


A 
GIFT 
OF 
THE 
GODS 


stop, henry. 
you don’t know what 
you're getting yourself into 


SPRING ADWAYS snuck up on the children in 
Lakeside. The winters were so convincing 
and so durable that we cventually forgot 
about other possibilities, about a chance of 
change. 

Then, always without warning, there 
were tender new leaves on the bushes sur- 
rounding the apartment buildings; a fresh, 
clayey smell of earth everywhere; birds 
picking up broom and mop fragments for 
making nests; summer vacation becoming 
an actual possibility; the bravest new flies 
crawling out from their hiding places 
along the edges of windows and wandering 
оп the sunny panes—and the children 
began taking ruminative walks, going 
places they wouldn't ordinarily go and 
observing things they would ordinarily 
ignore. 

It was the time of exploration come 
again, and the taste and feel of new ad- 
venture were (continued on page 148) 


ILLUSTRATION BY BLAIR DRAWSON 


great moments in the one campaign that never ends 


Hollings has 
a girl under 
the table. 


АГАН 
| 
) 
Б 


[ 
| 


| 


— 


I'mhaving secon 


thoughts about us 
this sperm bank 


Д 


How would 
select a female |. 
Vice-President? 


Are you carrying 
аго11 of dimes? 


Want to 
see 
something? 


I changed my name, I changed 
ту age, I changed my signature, 
but the biggest change hasn't 

> come to light. Picture a girl 
№ namedGarrette... . 


And someday you'11 
have your own 
illegitimate children. 


It's not what it 
Looks like. Your 
wife and I are just 
good friends 


E 


š: 
io 


Ë 


You're right, 


Y \ it feels exactly 
! like that. 


compare the size 
of our brains. 


Tho President wants 
the anti-abortion file. 


There goes her 
silicone implant 


mre 


99 


Е CAME down the club- 

house ramp at Korakuen 

Stadium, limping slight- 

ly, his knee already 
bothering him, though the season 
was still young. Once of the Boston 
Red Sox, then the St. Louis Cardi- 
nals, the Los Angeles Dodgers and 
finally the San Francisco Giants, а 
veteran of seven all-star games and 
four world series, now the highest- 
paid baseball player in the history of 
Japanese baseball, Reggie Smith 
managed to look more than a little 
out of place. A burly, powerful man 
in any setting, he seemed immense 
here alongside his Japanese team- 
mates, as if he were not just a bigger 
ballplayer but of an entirely differ- 
ent species. 

The prevailing hair style of his 
teammates, befitting the most som- 
ber and most establishment base- 
ball team in Japan, was a Marine 
Corps crewcut worthy of the early 
Pete Rose or the middle Haldeman. 
Smith's was early Afro (circa 1967), 
though thinning at the top. He wore 
а mustache, which was not unusual 
for a ballplayer on most American 
teams, but this was the first mus- 
tache ever sprouted by а member of 
the Yomiuri Giants. When Smith 
was about to sign with Yomiuri, the 
mustache became the subject of а 
great deal of discussion in the Japa- 
nese press. His contract, after all, 
was the largest ever signed in Ja- 
pan by any player, American or 
Japanese (between $800,000 and 
$1,000,000); Sadaharu Oh, the 
great home-run hitter, had made 
only $400,000 and only at the tail 
end of his career, and that had been 
the previous top salary. But the 
Giants had never permitted facial 
hair in the past. In a country like 
this and on a team like this, which 
was the pride of Japanese baseball, 
rules were important; minor rules 
were the same as major rules; there 
was no difference. Otherwise, all the 
discipline of a team might unravel 
and the Yomiuri tradition would be 
despoiled; and, worse, all Japan 
might soon follow. But Smith had 


joo made it clear that the mustache 


stayed; it was a part of his personal 
statement as a man, and that was 
important. (Besides, during the 
1978 world series, when his old 
friend and nemesis Tom Seaver was 
announcing the games for ABC, he 
said on the air one day that he'd 
been trying to figure out why Reggie 
Smith seemed less intimidating in 
this series and had finally decided i 
was because he had shaved off his 
mustache, That act alone, Seaver 
said, had made him seem more 
benign. Since the last thing Smith 
wanted was to lose any element of 
intimidation, he had immediately 
gone back to the mustache.) He had 
let the Yomiuri executives know 
this: Facial hair was nonnegotiable. 

The Giants had wanted him bad- 
ly. They had not made the Japanese 
world series in the previous year, 
and even more than the old New 
York Yankees, they were supposed 
to win. In the truest sense, they were 
Japan's team. Indeed, partisans of 
the other teams in Japanese baseball 
sometimes thought that the entire 
sport existed so that their teams 
could lose to the Giants. Once, in 
fact, when the Hiroshima Carp had 
won the Japanese championship, 
they were cautioned the following 
spring by their owner not to try 
quite so hard; the owner, it turned 
out, was а Giants fan at heart. So in 
the miraculous way that the Japa- 
nese do business, the subject of hair 
had come up but had also never 
come up, and Smith had been able 
to keep both the money and the 
hair. 

Reggie Smith was 38 now; his 
son, Reggie, Јг., was 15, almost as 
big as his father was when he broke 
into the minor leagues. The father 
was in the twilight of a career, play- 
ing it out in Japan, where he was 
better paid and a good deal lonelier 
than ifhe had stayed at home. 

He came out of the park and the 
Japanese fans, among the most 
intense in the world, began to follow 
him. A few young fans wanted auto- 
graphs and he patiently signed them 
and then, suddenly, a young man 
crossed (continued on page 128) 


THE 
EDUCATION 
OF 
REGGIE 
SMITH 


for an american 

slugger, japanese baseball 
raises questions about 
what it means to be an 
athlete—and a man 


article 


By DAVID HALBERSTAM 


ILLUSTRATION BY KINUKO Y. CRAFT 


Deborals Seng ~ 


when miss johnson saunters along manhatian 
streets, the natives are more than restless 


EBORAH NICOLLE JOHNSON is moving along the sidewalks of New York, 
inging, “Oooh wah, oooh wah, bebop ditty / Talkin’ "bout the 
girl from New York City.” “Maybe you could work that into the 
4 title of the Playmate pictorial, hey? Well, if not the title, how about the open- 
ing paragraph?” Consider it done. Heads are turning, and Miss October is 

literally stopping traffic. 
A 14-year-old boy stops in his tracks and shouts, “You are a real woman. 

"T he rest are imitations.” 
Debi laughs, then chides herself for reacting. “It’s hard living in this city. 
I get lots of comments. I try not to react. If you say the right thing, they 


“I first saw р\лүвоү when I was 12. What's that—sixth grade? А kid was 
passing around a copy. I thought the Playmate was the epitome of beauty. 
T always hoped I would grow up to be special enough to be chosen.” 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY POMPEO POSAR 


“There is such a difference between expectation and reality in New York City. You've seen “That Girl,” with Marlo Thomas. She 
lived in an apartment by herself. It was clean. Right! When I moved to this city, I lived with five girls. Finally, I found a place 
and lived by myself—with no furniture. Just one skinny mattress in the corner. After a year, I was able to buy a coffee table.” 


Debi works for a company that sells children's clothes to major 
4 stores. At left, she practices a sales pitch on a co-worker. "I'm defi- 
nitely not the hard-sell type. I ask, ‘Do you like this?” I don't like to 
be intimidating and 1 don't like to be intimidated. When the prod- 


104 uct is good, the client can see that it is." Above, she makes her rounds. 


come after you. If you say the “The most amazing thing about New York is the street life. Maybe so many people are out 
wrong thing, they come after because they live in tiny apartments. If there's no room at home, they hit the streets. I could 
you. І have never learned howto spend the rest of my life sidewalk shopping, watching the action on Columbus Avenue." 
flirt. If I see something I want, I 
go after it. Bur I listen. I guess 
I'm still insecure. When you stop 


hearing compliments, it means 
you're dead.” Where were we? 
Oh, yes, talking about the girl 
from New York City. “Well, orig- 
inally, I'm from Torrance, Cali- 
fornia. My father was a hod 
carrier. I grew up with a lot of 
love, in a very protected atmos- 
phere. I have three brothers. Two 
are policemen; the third is a 
Marine Corps drill sergeant. 
They used to sit on the front 
porch, cleaning their BB guns, 
when my dates came over." After 
high school, Debi got a job as a 
flight attendant with TWA. “I 
saw all of the United States, plus 
Mexico, the Bahamas, Aruba; 
you name it. What no onc real- 
izes is that the job is very lonely. 
You spend a lot of time in hotel 
rooms, exhausted.” She changed 
careers to selling children’s 
clothes, and now her days are 
filled with people. “I make cus- 
tomer contacts, do line presenta- 
tions and take orders. Then I 
usually go to the health club. I 
follow a very rigorous workout 
schedule: 45 minutes of talking, — 
Above, Miss October hangs ош with a 
Jew of the boys of summer—Ron Darling 
and Doug Sisk of the New York Mets. “T 
don’t consider myself an athlete. I exer- 
cise and snorkel. The sports that men 
play I leave to the men. I like to watch.” 


e 


ee . 
- Debi describes herself as very romantic, 
4 7 | emotional, caring, considerate and lov- 
-- 1 4/2 Her idea of an ideal evening: “А 
" е candlelight dinner, slow dancing and 
МЛ Ж cuddling up in strong, warm arms. I like 
3 ИЦ being soft, subtle, feminine. Fantastic.” ws 


then 15 minutes of exercise.” She 
laughs. “No, I really do exercise, 
but it's very social. [ like to jog 
and to ride my bicycle through 
Central Park. Then, depending 
‘on my mood, I will cat, shop or 
take a long walk. I love to watch 
people, and the Upper West Side 
is the best theater in town. Every 
now and then, I see stars from 
soap operas. I'm so curious, I 
look to see what they're eating or 
what they're buying. I know it's 
silly, but I can’t help it.” Has she 
ever considered an acting career? 
“No, not really. You know what 
I'm really interested in? Make- 
up and special effects. When I 
saw The Exorcist and the rest of 
the audience was throwing up 
and screaming, I was asking 
myself, ‘How are they doing 
that?" When the arrow went 
through the guy’s chest in Friday 
the 13th, it was terrific. I went 
out and bought some books that 
explained how such effects are 
achieved." The conversation 
turns cur thoughts to lunch. We 
ask Miss October if she can rec- 
ommend any great New York 
restaurants. “I’m not one for 
great food,” she responds. "Give 
me а hamburger any day. Or fro- 
zen yogurt. I’m a fool for frozen 
yogurt. I could spend all evening 
at some of those sidewalk cafés— 
watching, being watched." We 


“I think femininity is a feeling. If I want to be sexy, I have to feel sexy. I will wear lingerie all 
day, the finest lingerie I can afford. It's a secret sensuous feeling. Гт not one of those sporty 
types who wear men's boxer shorts. No way. I like style, what can happen with clothes. Look at 
these pictures. You can see what happened to my clothes. I took them off." We see her point. 
There ате the five basic senses. And then there is the fashion sense. Miss October has it. 


“I wanted the pictorial to focus on a 
fireplace, a bearskin rug, champagne 
snow. Doesn't that sound roman- 


tic?” Even without the fireplace, the | 


bearskin rug, the champagne or the 
light snow, it sounds good to us. 


109 


“High school was very difficult for me. I was going from child to woman. The change in my body was ипсот- 
fortable. It caused so much attention. It’s taken me years to get used to looking this way. Im really quite shy. I 
don’t do drugs, smoke or sleep around. About the worst I could be accused of is this bit of decent exposure.” 


ask Debi what made her audition to be a Playmate. "I saw the ad for the 30th Anniversary Playmate 
Search and thought, What thc hell. I can still remember the day Robert Fowler passed a copy оЃгілувох around 
the classroom. My nickname back then was Lurch. I took a look at the Playmate and thought for sure [ would 
grow up to look like that. If Robert is still out there, reading this, hi. It was worth the wait. This has been an 
incredible experience for me." And for the rest of us. We watch her leave. She walks down the streets with the same 
energy John Travolta had in Staying Alive. Heads turn. People talk about her, the girl from New York City. 


пло пате OF HE MONTH: 


g 
5 
= 
= 


PLAYMATE DATA SHEET 


NAME: ini johnson 

ББТ: НАТ: ا‎ SHIPS: Ede m 

HEIGHT: 55 WEIGHT:__ 102 

BIRTH DATE: March 13,1958 srarwptace: torrance., California 
ANBITIONS: to travel and experiente as much of 


the world 05 possible 
Tury-ons:_PoseS, diamonds, Champagne, Summer nights, 
being treated like a lad 
TURN-orFs: Needles icu HU келш 
being rushed 
FAVORITE MOVIES: fantasia, the wizard of oz, the hunchback 
of notre dame, the graduate, олаг rocky 
FAVORITE FOODS: Strawberries, Quiche, tortellini alla panna 
veal marsala , Cheesecake, and a good hamburger 
FAVORITE PLACE: the french riviera 
FAVORITE PERFORMERS: Qann-margret, dan Fogel berg, dona\el 
Fagen, lionel richie. 
BIGGEST Joy: to have heen honored with the title 

of miss october. 


for growth” 


PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES 


Has your purchase of a king-sized water bed im- 
proved your sexual relationship with your wife?” 
the therapist asked his patient 

“Not really, I'm sorry to report,” answered 
the man. “Now she insists that she has 10 wait for 
the tide to come.” 


Our Unabashed French-English Dictionary de- 
fines B-girl bistro as a café au lay. 


Why are you hitting on me?" the girl in the 
singles bar inquired. 
"T suppose it’s narcissism, in a way, 
fellow replied. 

“What do you mean by that?” 

“I sce а lot of myself in you!” 


the 


A burglar who disposes of his loot through a 
contact he meets under cover of gay group-sex 
sessions could be said, we suppose, to have a 
daisy-chain-link fence. 


White Cecilia, called Cess, will undress, 
She may then, says her boyfriend, regress: 
And if asked what he'll do 
When she's nude but won't screw, 
“I'm successful,” he grins, "sucking Cess!” 


| happen to have come across the most wonder- 
ful specialized sex shop!” one spinster excitedly 
told another. “It features inflatable lap dogs!" 


Word has reached us about an outwardly de- 
mure young lady who, when aroused, is more 
than willing and even insists in a repeat sexual 
performance from a date. Her nickname among 
guys in the know is Little Goody Two Screws. 


Says an airlining wanton named Vi: 
Чт a pantyless Меш when I fly. 

То а muffer's delight, 

Fil take head on a flight, 
So the guy can have pie in the sky. 


And, when this Oriental stunner began to dis- 
robe,” the tourist recounted, "а current of erec- 
tricity shot through me!” 


What working-class British gays use for outings 
is, of course, a peter lorry. 


Perhaps you've read about the school-system- 
assignment official who faces charges of eating а 
sub in his office. 


Tim very much afraid,” the woman told the mari- 
tal counselor, “that we've reached a point where 
food is more important to my husband than sex.” 
“And how is that manifested?” intoned the 
domestic-problems guru 
“The bum has just had the walls of the dining 
room lined with mirrors!” 


What was it like for you, baby?" the young man 
inquired smugly over a postcoital cigarette. 

`d say like December seventh, 1941," said 
the girl in the motel room. 

Because 1 bombed you sexually out of your 
right?” 

Well—not exactly. It’s because this one with 
you has been a date that will live in infamy!” 


lı isn’t widely known, but the most skilled Amer- 
ican dildo makers аге the peckerwood whittlers 
of the rural South. 


The defendant plastic surgeon did a poor breast 
job on my client,” the attorney stated in court, 

now, when she's finished removing her 
blouse and bra, ГИ offer in evidence exhibits A 
and B. 


What makes you say that the groom must be a 
-a-night man?" was the question. 

Because, look,” was the reply, “the bride is 
carrying a bouquet of batteries!” 


? 
I 


A shrewd little cocksman named Canning 
Haunts singles bars, carefully scanning 
All the girls in a hunt 
For a pushover cunt, 
Which he says is “cuntmgency plannmg.^ 


Our Unabashed Dictionary defines paleface as 
oral sex performed by an albino. 


Just а minute—why have you taken out your 
penis?” demanded the young woman in the 
parked car 

“I just want to give it a breath of fresh air,” re- 
plied the young man smugly. 

guess it needs some, at that,” retorted his 

date, “because it strikes me as being somewhat 
short of breadth." 


Heard a funny one lately? Send it on а post- 
card, please, to Party Jokes Editor, м.лувоу, 
Playboy Bldg., 919 N. Michigan Ате, Chicago, 
UL 60611. $50 will be paid to the contributor 
whose card is selected. Jokes cannot be returned. 


Z= 


H 


S 
SEY 


Š 


SSS 


X 


⁄ 


Š SSSS 


— 


117 


“Гт so glad you could meet my folks!" 


SENORITA 
MARGARITA: 
ЕМСОНЕ!! 


that saucy south-of-the-border concoction 
is back in the limelight, tastier than ever 


drink By EMANUEL GREENBERG 


OMETHING HAS HAPPENED 10 the margarita and it’s to the 

good. Oh, the classic margarita is alive and well; in 

fact, thriving. But a new dimension has been added to 
this perennial favorite—flavor! Better make that plural— % 
flavors—because if you're so inclined, you сап һауе а 
boysenberry margarita, a tutti-frutti margarita, a melon mar- 
garita, a coffee margarita, a strawberry margarita, an 
orange-coconut margarita or апу of 30-odd distinctively fia- 
vored margaritas, many available in such Mexican restau- Мм 
rants аз the El Torito and The Red Onion chains ог in other 
eateries featuring Tex-Mex cuisine. You can even have à 
margaritas tailored to your personal taste, such as 
amaretto or apple pie— whatever (concluded on page EG 

lip 


AXLUSTRATION BY М. А. ENRIQUEZ. 


20 QUESTIONS: JACK LA LANNE 


the elder statesman of fitness on his workout (ugh!), nutritional breakfasts 
(yuck!), gays (gulp!) and Бейеү sex (aah!) 


гузїса1 fitness has America іп an iron 
grip. With that in mind, we asked Con- 
tributing Editor David Rensin to speak with 
one of the few legends of health-and-body 
conditioning and the founder of the modern- 
day health salon, Jack La Lanne, on the eve 
of his 70th birthday. Says Rensin: 

“When the interview began in La Lanne's 
living room at 8:30 хм. he had already been 
awake for five hours. He'd exercised, had 
breakfast and donned а red jump suit. 

“Most people know La Lanne only from 
his TV show. It's the least of his achieve- 
ments. On each birthday, La Lanne performs 
а muscle-mumbing feat. А! 45, he did 1000 
push-ups and 1000 chin-ups in an hour and 
22 minutes. At 60, he swam from Alcatraz to 
Fisherman's Wharf—handcuffed, shackled 
and towing a 1000-pound boat. At 66, 
La Lanne swam more than a mile— 
handcuffed, feet shackled, towing ten boats 
carrying 77 people. In 48 minutes. 

“Most of us have trouble just turning on a 
tape recorder. Happy birthday, Jack.” 


1. 


Pravmov: Whar incredible feat are you 
planning to do to celebrate turning 70? 

LA LANNE: I’m planning to swim underwa- 
ter from Catalina Island to Los Angeles. 
That’s 26 miles. ГЇЇ do it in less than 24 
hours. But what I really wanted to do was 
carry a 350-pound bar bell on my shoul- 
ders down Hollywood Boulevard to pro- 
test all the male and female prostitution, 
all the dope and crap. I wanted to show 
people that there are better things in life, 
that you can be fit at any age. Can you 
imagine 350 pounds on your back for half 
an hour? All your muscles contract simul- 
taneously. That's plain pain. And I would 
challenge anyone in the world to do that 
and give him $10,000 if he did. But T can’t 
do it now. Some kid hit my new Porsche 
924 head on. About $15,000 damage. I 
had to have surgery on my knee to take 
cartilage out, and that took care of that. 
But I got a new Porsche 944 recently. It's 
а pistol. I had it up to 130 the other day. 


% 


юлүвоү: Why do you often handcuff and 
shackle yourself for your swims? 
La LANNE: Because it makes them ten times 


more difficult. Otherwise, anyone would 
be doing these things. 
3. 


PLAYBOY: What’s your secret? Wheaties? 

LALANNE: Sometimes Г have а Jack 
La Lanne Diet Shake, a product I've had 
out for about 20 years now. Or one of the 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY RON MESAROS 


five Jack La Lanne breakfast cereals. 
They're all natural grains—no white sug- 
ar, no white flour, no salt, no fats, Tm 
more and more into grains these days; also 
raw fish. 1 eat sashimi almost every day— 
though not for breakfast. But mainly, 1 
have about 400 vitamin supplements for 
breakfast right after I work out. [ put them 
in a blender and make a high-protein 
drink. I use a quart of carrot and celery 
juice, half and half, then put in two heap- 
ing tablespoons of wheat germ, two more 
of nonfat-milk solids, two more of high- 
strain brewers’ yeast, then a heaping 
tablespoon of bone meal and a banana 
Then Г put in 100 liver-yeast tablets, 
15,000 milligrams of vitamin C, 2000 units 
of B, some boron and some zinc; also 75 
alfalfa-and-kelp tablets. Then I blend it 
and drink it. It’s one of the worst-tasting 
health drinks you could have, but I still 
drink it, because it’s the perfect breakfast, 
It's got about 40 grams of protein, all the 
B-complex vitamins, everything that’s nat- 
ural from the carrot and celery juices, the 
enzymes, the trace elements, calcium and 
potassium from the bone meal. And it’s 
very low in calories. After you work out 
like me, you're not hungry; you're thirsty. 


4. 


rLAYBOY: What are your workouts like? 
LALANNE: I believe in vigorous, violent, 
daily, systematic exercise to the point of 
muscle failure. I'm usually up each day at 
3:30 ам. I hit the gym at four ам. I'm out 
at 6:30 Ам. I do it seven days a week and 
have ever since Г can remember. Some- 
times I hit the gym without having gotten 
any sleep, like when Гуе done a lecture or 
a seminar. 

Му top priority in life is my workout. 
Regardless of what happens, I hit that 
gym. Even when I was in the hospital 
twice with serious knee operations: Right 
after I came out of anesthesia, there was a 
chin bar over my head and dumbbells. I 
worked cut immediately. 

It’s very easy to rationalize, however, 
and say, "What the hell. I didn't get 
enough sleep" or “I’m tco busy" or “Гуе 
got this little ache or pain." That's all 
bullcrap. You do it. It's tough. It's hard. 
Га rather take a beating sometimes than 
get in that gym every morning. Anyone 
who gets up that early and says he likes it 
is a goddamned liar. The only good thing 
about it is that when I’m finished, I look at 
myselfin the mirror and say, “Jack, you've 
done it again!” I’ve won another battle 
over myself, and that’s what it’s all about: 
conquering me. If І didn’t do it, Га be 


lying to myself. If I lie to me, I lie to you 
and wreck everything that Jack La Lanne 
stands for. If I'm not an example of my 
philosophy, it sure isn’t going to turn any- 
one else on. That's why Jesus made such 
a big impact. He practiced what he 
preached. He also did miracles to call 
attention to his philosophies. That's why I 
do incredible things on my birthdays. 


5. 


PLAYBOY: Do you consider sex an exercise? 

La LANNE: Absolutely. What's more physi- 
cal? We're sensuous creatures. Sex is the 
greatest driving force on this planet. 
Christ, why are we living if we can’t have a 
little fun? Sex is giving, and the more you 
give, the better lover you are. But if you 
don't have it to give, well, that’s why phys- 
ical fitness is so great. What group of 
people are the sexiest of all these days? 
Athletes! They've got the health, the 
energy; they can give of themselves. And if 
you love sex, you've got to have something 
to give. Look, if you're sick, are you think- 
ing of sex? That’s what I try to tell the 
guys. Some have three or four extra inches 
on their waistline, yet they like to be proud 
of themselves in the sack. I say, “Look, for 
every two inches you take off up there, it 
makes your business down there look an 
inch longer. Isn't everything relative? If 
you have a six-inch tool and a 50-inch 
waistline, the thing doesn't look very big, 
does it?” That's my incentive. 

It’s simple: You've got to appeal to the 
pride in people. When a woman is flabby 
and soft, she’s unattractive. When you 
married a beautiful girl and all ofa sudden 
you start seeing her tits down to here and 
her breath stinks and she’s not clean any- 
more and has no pride in herself, you can’t 
love her. You may bullshit yourself, but 
you can’t. Energy makes people beautiful. 
That’s what charisma is. You don’t want 
to be close to someone who is dead and 
crapped out all the time, who’s bitching 
that it’s a lousy fucking world and “Christ, 
my ulcers are killing me.” Maybe 50 or 60 
percent of all divorces are predicated on 
someone’s being physically unfit. Who 
wants to live with negativism? Love goes 
out the window. 


6. 


PLavuoy: Are all kinds of sex healthy? 
La LANNE: It’s up to the individual. Sex has 
to do with imagination, so the sky is the 
limit, If you're not doing bodily harm, why 
shouldn't you do what turns you on? I’m 
not a prude who thinks everything should 
be done the (continued on page 190) 


121 


А GOOD STORY 


she was a drop-dead ice blonde and he 
wanted to impress her. that was a mistake 


fiction 


By DONALD E. WESTLAKE 


THE BIG SNAKE moved in its cage, getting 
hungry. Flat eyes watched Leon walk 
through and out of the barn; Leon pre- 
tended not to notice. There'd been nothing 
in the mail today, so he was free. He 
walked past the cages and cotes, past the 
sawdust-smelling shed where the crates 
were hammered together, past the long, 
low main housc, with its mutter of air con- 
ditioning, and on down the dry dirt road 
into town, where he bought a beer in the 
cantina next to the church and stepped 
outside to enjoy the day. 

The sun in the plaza was bright, the air 
clean and hot, and when he tilted the bot- 
tle and put his head back, the lukewarm 
beer foamed in his mouth. Stripped to the 
waist, T-shirt dangling from the back 
pocket of his cutoff jeans, moccasins pad- 
ding on the baked brown earth, Leon 
strolled around the plaza, smiling up at 
the distant crown of the Andes. 

Slowly he sipped his beer, enjoying the 
sensations. This town was so high above 
sca level, the air so thin, that perspiration 
dried on him as soon as it appeared. Eight 
months ago, when he'd first come to 
Ixialta, Leon had found that creepy and 
disconcerting, but now he liked the dry 
crackle and tingle on his flesh, the accre- 


tion of salt that he could later brush off like 
talcum powder. 

Eight months; no time at all. The work 
he did was сазу and the money terrific, 
and the temptation to just drift along with 
it was very strong—that’s what Jaime- 
Ortiz counted on, he knew that much— 
but he'd promised himself to give it no 
morc than a ycar. Tops; onc ycar. Go 
home rich and clean and 24, with thc 
world before him. Leon grinned, a tall, 
sloping boy with wiry arms and the hard- 
muscled legs ofa jogger, and was still grin- 
ning when the car appeared 

Except for Jaime-Ortiz' six vehicles, 
cars were a rarity in Ixialta. The dirt road 
winding up the jungled mountainside was 
a mere spur [rom the trans-Andean high- 
way, dead-ending in this public square, 
surrounded by low stucco buildings. 

In the past eight months, how many 
strangers had been here? A government 
tax man had come to talk with Jaime- 
Ortiz, had stopped for lunch and a bribe 
and had departed. А couple оГ 
closemouthed Americans had brought up 
the new satellite dish, hooked it up and 
showed Jaime-Ortiz how it wor! 

And who else? A pair of British girls 
working for the UN on some hunger sur- 


ILLUSTRATION BY JANE МЕРЕОТН MOUNCE 


vey; two sets of dopers searching for 
peyote, ig away disappointed; a couple 
of American big-game hunters who'd 
stayed three days, shot one alpaca and 
contracted dysentery; and one or two 
more. Maybe seven interventions from the 
outside world in all this time. 

And now here was number eight, a 
dusty maroon rental Honda with a pair of 
Americans aboard. The 30ish woman who 
got out on the passenger side was an abso- 
lute drop-dead ice blonde. In khaki slacks, 
thonged sandals, pale-blue blouse and 
leather shoulder bag, she was some expen- 
sive designer’s idea of a girl foreign corre- 
spondent. The big dark sunglasses, 
though, were an error; only Jackie O., in 
Leon’s opinion, could wear Jackie О. sun- 
glasses without loss of status. Still, this 
was a dream walking. 

‘The man was something else. Wide- 
rumped in stiff new jeans, he wore office- 
style brown oxfords and a long-sleeved 
buttondown shirt. He was an office work- 
cr, a professor of ancient languages, а bank 
teller, and he didn’t belong on this moun- 
tain. Nor with that woman. 

Leon approached, smiling, planning his 
opening remark, but the woman spoke 
first, frowning (continued on page 188) 


Above right is the canted Hiltan cart, $2650. On the top shelf is a series 
of porcelain abjects designed by Mattea Thun, including, left to right, 
оп improbobly shoped Chad teapot, $320; a doudlike Michigan salt 
shaker, $80, and Ontario pepper box, $80; а Superior toothpick hold- 
ег, $80; and a Ladoga vase, $200. The lady, of course, is Susie Scott. 


putting fun and funkiness back into furniture 


modern living 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD FEGLEY 


тм 1981, a collaboration of about 30 inter- 
national designers started a movement 
of Fifties-inspired, one-of-a-kind fur- 
niture that took the name Memphis. 
Ettore Sottsass, the group’s leader, says 
its point was to “get rid of institutional 
rhetoric." (The name comes from the 
Bob Dylan lyric “Stuck inside of 
Mobile with these Memphis blues 
again.") It was also intended to intro- 
duce into the home objects that are 
unstrained and fanciful—not unlike 
the sleek lines of 1983 Playmate of the 
Year Marianne Gravatte and Playmate 
Susie Scott. Memphis’ materials are 
an unlikely marriage of such things 
as marble, glass and plastic. Colors 
are a frenzied rainbow. This is fur- 
niture you can sink your eyeteeth into. 


Above: Gentlemen, be seated on this Michele de Lucchi—designed Lido sofa 
that's finished in plastic laminate, painted wood and metal. The safa's seat (not 
Marianne's and Susie's), back and armrests are uphalstered in cotton, $6300. 


PLAYBOY 


REGGIE SMITH 


(continued from page 100) 


“Small baseball,’ he said of the Japanese game, ‘they 


play small baseball.’” 


a certain barrier as the Japanese fans 
sometimes do, for foreigners are still 
regarded, if not as exotic, certainly as odd- 
ities, and he touched Smith as if he меге 
something different and strange. It was not 
a pleasant moment and the player 
resented it, for the fans do not do this with 
their own players—they are cautious and 
respectful with them and do not take such 
liberties lightly. Smith very firmly 
removed the hand of the young Japanese. 
“1 am not your damn freak,” he said, giv- 
ing vent to a feeling that many Americans, 
especially black Americans, have had 
about being in a country where foreigners 
are considered strange. 

Smith was not ina good mood. His knee 
was hurting and he could not run full out. 
In addition, he was completely frustrated 
by his failure to see any fast balls. On this 
day, against the Hanshin Tigers, he had 
not scen a single one, and he had barely 
scen anything in the strike zone. Desperate 
to show these fans what he was capable of, 
he had swung hard anyway, raising two 
immense pop-ups and grounding out 
twice. He had also heard the Tigers’ man- 
ager yell to his pitcher to walk Smith-san 
and to give him nothing to hit. 

"I'm a fish out of water here," Smith 
told a friend. “They pay те all this money 
to do a certain thing and it's supposed to 
be something they love, and then they 
won't let me do it. I just don't know if I 
belong here." 

He was facing this season with increas- 
ing melancholia. For although hc had 
known that Japan would be different, he 
had not known, like many а gaijin (or for- 
eigner) before him, that it would be this 
different, nor had he known that he might 
never again see a real fast ball. 

The confrontation of baseball was what 
Smith missed most, a power hitter against 
a power pitcher. For him, that was the real 
excitement of the game, a challenge of the 
most personal kind. But he had come to 
believe that the Japanese game, like the 
society itself, was designed to avoid chal- 
lenge and confrontation. If there were a 
way of avoiding a confrontation, the Japa- 
nese would find it. In his case, it meant 
throwing him junk balls out of the strike 
zone. Dinky shit, he called it. If he walked, 
so be it. No one threw him fast balls; no 
one threw him anything out over the plate. 
They walked him consistently. In the first 
weeks of the season, he walked three times 
with the bases loaded, twice on four 
straight pitches. All of that took a great 
deal of pleasure out of his work, for 


Smith, a proud, outspoken player, found 
that he could not do what he was supposed 
to do. It was as if they were paying him a 
great deal of money but in the process 
stealing something even more precious 
from him. 

Often, now, he came to daydream about 
the past and, of all things, about confron- 
tations with Nolan Ryan, Steve Carlton 
and Seaver, power pitchers all, men whom 
other hitters often feared to face and men 
who had given Smith as good as he had 
given them. He even recalled now a game 
in which Ryan, by then with Houston, had 
disposed of him with three pitches, each 
seeming to come in a little faster and cach 
rising a little higher in the strike zone. The 
Dead Red, players called it, meaning pure 
heat. The third pitch had been blindingly 
fast and Smith knew he had been beaten 
by a master. He had screamed in a kind of 
instinctive primal anguish, then had 
tipped his cap to Ryan, who had tipped his 
cap in turn. The Houston bench had 
seemed surprised, not understanding this 
was a personal thing, a war within a war, 
and that on this occasion Ryan had won. 

Batting against Carlton was equally 
challenging; he was so excellent and com- 
plete a player that he was known simply as 
Lefty, needing neither first name nor last. 
Carlton was simply the best pitcher in 
baseball right now, Smith believed, a man 
of supreme physical gifts and, perhaps 
more important, awesome mental ones. 
Lefty had an almost perfect harmony of 
mental and physical strength, Smith 
thought. His concentration was complete. 
That gave him a special spiritual tough- 
ness that was rare in any aspect of life, 
including baseball. Lefty, Smith believed, 
liked to control a weaker person and create 
a certain doubt in the hitter. The hitter 
came to bat knowing how strong Lefty 
was, and how smart, and knowing, too, 
that, unlike the hitter, Lefty knew exactly 
where the pitch would be. In most cases, 
that made for a mismatch, but Smith 
enjoyed the combat. He knew that when 
he beat Carlton, he had beaten the best. 

But Lefty was back in Philly and Ryan 
was in Houston, both of them caught up in 
their own competition for the all-time 
strike-out record. And Reggie Smith was 
in Tokyo, looking vainly for a fast ball. 

. 


Earlier in the season, ап opposing 
pitcher had mistakenly come into the 
strike zone with a nice fat pitch and Smith 
had hit a monstrous home run, and at the 
end of the inning, the Japanese pitcher, 
returning to the dugout virtually in tears, 


had to be consoled by his manager. It was 
very clear that the Japanese pitchers were 
under orders that this highly paid Ameri- 
can should not demonstrate his power 
(and, thus, figuratively, American superi- 
ority) against them. So on this day, though 
it had been a big game—the hated 
Hanshin Tigers against the Giants, the 
huge stadium filled hours before the 
game—Smith’s frustration did not abate. 
He simply could not find a pitcher to chal- 
lenge him, could not get a pitch to hit. 

"Small baseball,” he said, “they play 
small baseball." 

He did not say this disparagingly but as 
a statement of fact. He was, in truth, on his 
best behavior here, accommodating to the 
Japanese press, careful and sensitive with 
his teammates, ready to give tips on hit- 
ting but careful, given the importance of 
the hierarchy in Japanese society, not to 
intrude on the territory of the hitting 
coaches, who were more numerous, more 
influential and more meddlesome here 
than in the United States. Jim Lefebvre, 
the former Dodger, had told mutual 
friends that Smith, who had a reputation 
for being at the very least blunt and out- 
spoken (and, to some critics, a clubhouse 
lawyer), would not last four months here. 

He was trying to be a good ambassador, 
a good baseball player and a good team- 
mate, but it was getting harder all the 
time. In his mind, he was cooperating, try- 
ing to do his best; but the entire nature of 
the Japanese game, of small baseball, was 
stacked against him. 

By small baseball, Smith meant а pre- 
cise definition of the game. Small baseball 
was a game tailored to the needs, both 
physical and cultural, of the Japanese. 
Because the Japanese, by and large, did 
not have powerful throwing arms, they 
made the relays better than Americans, 
and they were very good at hitting the cut- 
off man. Because the society was oriented 
toward the group instead of toward the 
individual and because hierarchy pre- 
vailed, the manager and his strategy were 
far more important. There was much more 
playing for one run and, starting in the 
first inning, the infield always seemed to 
be drawn in, trying to cut off a run. 

All baseball leagues had different styles, 
Smith believed. The American League, in 
his early years, was a slow, almost stag- 
nant league, modeled on the great Yankee 
teams of the Fifties. Its stars were largely 
power hitters, they were white and their 
teammates waited upon their mighty 
swings, They did not, in his opinion, play a 
hard-edged game of modern baseball in 
which speed and power were combined. 
The prototypical American League star 
during the era when Smith broke in was 
Harmon Killebrew, а kind, gentle player 
who generated offense only through his 
awesome swing. By contrast, the National 
League was the blacker league. Its tempo 

(continued on page 196) 


"It seems all our troubles began when I gave 
her that membership to that gym.” 


129 


epicurean pervert or thoroughly 
modern man? the author risks all 
to stand by the meals he loves 


IN PRAISE OF 
FROZEN FOOD 


F YOU REALLY LOVED 

me,” I remember 
hearing my mother say to my father when 
I was just learning to eavesdrop, "you'd 
buy me a house that has no kitchen.” 

My father was asleep іп his 
Barcalounger at the time and didn’t 
respond, so my mother returned to the 
kitchen to fix dinner. She hated cooking 
more than anything else in the world. 
More than cockroaches. More than my 
terrible habit of leaving Kleenex in my 
dirty clothes to ruin her nice clean wash. 
More than the fact that my father slept 
through at least half their conversations. 

She kept cooking, of course—that 
seemed to be some unwritten law of the 
palcolithic Fifties—but she had her short 
cuts. I remember the one time she came 
home from the market without her usual 
grumbling She had discovered something 
in the freezer department that looked too 
good to be true, something called boil-i 
the-pouch: one plastic bag of turkey slices 
and one bag containing a frozen glob of 
gravy. You could cook this stuff right in 
the bag, she told us as she put a pan of 
water on the stove to boil. My younger 
brother and I stood by like two junior mad 
scientists, watching our experiment boil 
and bounce. My mother, showing a cer- 
tain enthusiasm that was out of character 
for the kitchen, plucked the bags from the 
boiling water with tongs, cut them open 
and served up the contents on two pieces 
of white bread, open-faced, just like a hot- 
turkey sandwich in a coflee shop. 

Unfortunately, it didn’t taste very good. 
It wasn’t even enough of an occasion to 
wake up Dad. But that hardly mattered. I 
had entered into the 20th Century of food, 
and I had no intention of turning back. 

Some mothers encouraged their kids to 
try new foods; my brother and I were 
urged on in the direction of new food 
technologies. Mother had a special affinity 
for the word (continued on page 180) 


article 
By STEPHEN RANDALL 


ILLUSTRATION BY SANDRA HENDLER. 


131 


new york, new york . . . where some glamorous go-geiters 
give their all to prove what the song says: i 


you can make it there, you'll make it anywhere 
text by BRUCE WILLIAMSON 


feature called Babes of Broadway, we weren't sure what kind of response to 

expect. Would we be shunned as sexists invading the Great White Way, ог 
would stars and starlets throng to us like moths to a flame? Or would we merely be 
inundated by off-off-Broadway hopefuls and part-time waitresses who save their tips 
to subsidize acting-singing-dancing lessons? To all the above questions, the answer 
turned out to be yes. We were tumed down, turned on, knocked in the aisles, bowled 
over and sent to our thesaurus to dig up new adjectives in praise of the beautiful 
(also comely, exquisite, fair, the thesaurus said), talented (also accomplished, gift- 
ed, endowed) and exciting (also alluring, bewitching, fetching, enticing) young 
showstoppers who agreed to show and tell us what it's like to be a Broadway baby 
circa 1984. 

Contributing Photographer Arny Freytag, in effect our casting director, had to 
pick the likeliest babes from a long, delectable list. He gave his chosen subjects the 
kind of collective rave review they might dream of getting from an influential theater 
critic. Says Arny, “I can’t remember when I've photographed a group of women so 
vital and exciting. They're involved in so many things and really have their acts 
together. Working with them was a pleasure.” 

Showtime, folks—meaning time to raise the curtain on some babes taking bows 
in front of Freytag’s camera. 

Click. 

Well into the second act of 42nd Street, a (ем continued on page 142) 


Ws PLAYBOY editors began to beat the publicity drums about a proposed 


There may be a broken heart for every light on Broodwoy, but GA ДР > 

you'd never guess it while ogling the leggy, live-wire would-be ИЛ; 
stars gathered a stone's throw from Sordi's on West 44th Street, 24 
locale of many а smash hit. Hecding our cast is Karen Ziembo (left 
center), who hos the lead role in David Merrick's lang-running musi- 
cal 42nd Street. In the show, she finds sudden success. Life does imi- 
tate ort. Anna Nicholas (at Karen's left elbow and in photo abave) 
muses with flute, learning patience while she waits for her big break. 


xt Уу 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY ARNY FREYTAG / 


“You're going out there a youngster, 
but you've got to come back a stor!“ 
So says Jerry Orbach to Karen Ziem- 
ba in 42nd Street (above). Karen's 
overnight success onstage exudes 
some of the pixy quality she reveals 
for nator (at left). “A kind of sexy 
innocence,” she calls it. And who'd 
argue with an ingénue who's already 
got а star on her dressing-room door? 


When she isn’t inspiring standing 
‘ovations eight shows a week, Ka- 
ren (below, in blue) studies voice 
and acting, relaxes by ploying softball 
in Central Pork with the Broadway 
Show League. Ziemba at Ьсі (above) 
looks due for another hit, this time c 
clean single that helped defeat a semi- 
tough team from Lo Cage aux Folles. 


The fine-fecthered bird ot right (and 
anstage, above) struts her stuff сз one 
af the shawstopping Cogelles in Lo 
Coge сих Folles, с bofía big-time 
musical comedy based an the French 
movie about twa trés gay lovers run- 
ning а transvestite night club an the 
Riviera. But boys will be girls. By the 
wey, did we mention thet this be- 
witching beauty's first nome is Sam? 


The Broodwoy bebe оп deck is octu- 
ally Sam Singhous (below at far right, 
with La Coge stor George Hearn). 
While auditioning for the show, soys 
Som, “I pretended ta be Miss Florida 
ond secretly called myself Bunny." 
Hmmm. Above, in cotcher's position 
behind Keren Ziembo, Som finds 
thet he still enjoys being o guy. 


Laine Jestram (left) hos been making ends meet 
with movie jobs, from Beat Street to The Muppets 
Toke Manhattan. Married to a New York dentist, 
Laine colls her ғиуво debut “a total turn-on for 
him.“ Sultry Ivy Frank (below and bottom) runs her 
‘own dance studio and performs with o group 
colled The New York High-Voltage Broodway 
Cheerleaders. Hove pampons, will travel. Obvious- 
lyobody electric, at work or play, Ivy likesto move. 


Stylish, реше Donno ioms (right) is ап 
actress with big dreams ond a small, successful 
side line as a clothing designer. Both Blooming- 
dole’s спа Henri Bendel buy her line. “I like 
eveningweor . . . very, very sexy but elegont,”” 
soys Donno, who tries out ideos on o 
monnequin (below) ond enjoys slipping into 
something attroctively loose. She olso did cos- 
tumes for the movie New York Nights. 


“ 


Another New York High-Voltoge Cheerleader, well-rounded Lindo Russo — Unstoppoble enthusiosm keeps actress-singer Kosey Comeron (below) in 
(left), improvises between gigs. Morylond-born Cotherine Cooper ор form, “doing о lot of body work" while she studies, mokos rounds 
(obove), here purring through о delectable fantasy in the back seat ofo ond models lingerie to poy the rent. Her routine includes checking 
Rolls, understudies three top roles in A Chorus Line. Color her lucky. “the trodes” (obove, with actress Anna Nicholos) for clues to jobs 


A statuesque showroom model when she finds nothing better 
to do, New Jersey-bred cctress Christina Belton (above) claims 
distant kinship to Joyne Kennedy. Seems logicol. Lead dancers 
Belinda Andretti (below left) and Cindi Thomas (seoted) do 
two shows а night in a topless revue at Manhattan's glittery 
Café Versailles, hoping that’s how to succeed until Broodway 
ог Hollywood beckons. Says Cindi, “I didn’t work and donce 
away my childhood, then go to New York, to woit on tables.” 


Blonde ond buxom Debbee Hinchcliffe (above and right) is a 
delightful, definitive Broodway babe with а strong competitive 
streok. Says Debbee, "1 don't give up. My mother started me 
doncing at the age of three. She's really thrilled about my 
being in млевот, but she's scored obout my being in New York. 
1 have to phone home every night.” Home is Connecticut. Debbee 
hos auditioned for 42nd Street ond Sugar Babies. But her 
heartfelt goal is “to do the tits-and-ass number in A Chorus Line.” 


pUAYBILE PLAYBILL PLAYBIEI 


PLAYBOY 


tap-happy smash hit in its fifth year on 
Broadway, the wide-eyed heroine tells a 
hard-bitten director, “Show business isn’t 
for me. I’m going back to Allentown." 

‘The director (played by Jerry Orbach) 
looks as stung as if his ungrateful ingénue 
has threatened to set fire to the flag. 
“What was that word you said? Al- 
lentown? I’m offering you a chance to star 
in the biggest musical Broadway has seen 
іп 20 years, and you say Allentown?” 

“That's the cue for one of the big produc- 
tion numbers, the vintage take-home tune 
Lullaby of Broadway (words by Al Dubin, 
music by Harry Warren) and a golden 
opportunity for Michigan-born Karen 
Ziemba to grab the spotlight, dancing her 
way to “the hip-hooray and ballyhoo" that 
are the essence of showbiz. As the third 
Peggy Sawyer since 42nd Street opened in 
1980—chorus girl Peggy zooms to stardom 
because the leading lady’s leg is in a cast— 
Karen herself has enjoyed a meteoric 
career since her arrival in Manhattan 
some five years ago. “This is the best role 
on Broadway,” she declares with enthusi- 
asm. "It's what theater is all about. Pm 
not from Allentown, but virtually the 
same sort of thing has happened to me." 

"Today, she's starring in the Big Apple, 
yet Karen served her apprenticeship in the 
classic manner, taking bread-and-butter 
jobs as waitress and theater usher before 
she landed in the chorus of a touring com- 
pany of M» Fair Lady. Then came the 
national company of A Chorus Line and 
her first Broadway gig in the same show, 
cast against type as the Hispanic hoofer 
named Morales. She moved up to 42nd 
Street about а year ago, when the Peggy 
Sawyer in residence left to have a baby. 
"Everybody's having babies," Karen notes, 
“but Im not ready for that. Гуе got too 
much to do." She was recently married, 
however, to actor Bill Tatum, a regular in 
the TV soap opera Edge of Night. 'They 
met in an Equity Library Theater produc- 
tion of Seesaw. “Не had the lead. I was just 
a chorus girl and had to help him with the 
dancing. I'd hate to say Bill's not coordi- 
nated, but he’s no Baryshnikov.” With 
unfailing humor, Karen recalls their first 
liaison. “I wore a garter belt and hose, 
because I wanted him to think I was sexy. 
And when I got undressed, he said, 
"What's this with the hardware?” ” 

As the granddaughter of retired New 
York City Opera mezzo-soprano Winifred 
Heidt, who was also a singing star on 
radio, Karen considers her talent a family 
heritage. “Му grandmother sacrificed а 
lot to become an opera singer. And my 
mother is a beautiful woman who always 
encouraged me but taught me humility at 
the same time—too much so, my husband 
thinks. He says you've got to let people 
know what you're worth. Well, I'm a very 
good dancer and actress. And right now, 


Mg my ambition is to originate that role. Not 


just to take someone else's place.” 

Click. 

Enter Catherine Cooper, a sultry blonde 
who earns top pay but lower billing at a 
theater down the block, where she's 
understudy for three key roles in A Chorus 
Line, Broadway's longest-running show— 
and where she used to share a dressing 
room with Karen Ziemba. “Catherine 
is a terrific actress," notes Karen. 

Catherine won't argue the point. When 
she isn’t playing Cassie, Val or Sheila, 
she's singing backup vocals in an offstage 
booth. “People say they think of me as an 
actress who happens to dance very well,” 
says Catherine, who studies hard and 
bides her time. “I played a barfly charac- 
ter named Harmony Devine on a soap, 
One Life to Live. Гуе spent so many years 
of my life dancing, now I really much pre- 
fer to act. As Val says in the show, ‘It’s 
fabulous to find out you can talk, too.” ” 

Born in Maryland, Catherine attended 
the same ballet school that claims Shirley 
MacLaine as an alumna. She joined a 
ballet troupe, got married, divorced, 
migrated to Manhattan (not necessarily in 
that order) and nowadays considers A 
Chorus Line a solid base for professional 
upward mobility. “Life is more giddy if 
you're on the road. People are thrown 
together; there’s more sleeping around. In 
New York, you just go to work and lead 
your own life. I'm generally at home 
asleep by midnight, but I’m not here for 
the social whirl. If that's all I wanted, I'd 
go somewhere else.” 

Meanwhile, Catherine's photo fantasy 
for pLaysoy allowed her to vent some of the 
energy she usually channels into hard 
work. “Who wouldn't want to be wearing 
an expensive fur in the back of a Rolls- 
Royce? That's Joan Collins time, the kind of 
stuff that makes people tune in to Dynasty." 

Click. 


Unique among the babes of Broadway 
because he is, in fact, a guy, Sam Singhaus 
danced for three years at Radio City 
Music Hall (“I partnered Rockettes”) 
before he got his first legit role as one of 
the suitors in Seven Brides for Seven Broth- 
ers. (That musical, a resounding flop, 
starred Debby Boone.) When he got to the 
final auditions for La Cage aux Folles, 
Singhaus had to dance all day wearing 
high-heeled shoes and a girlfriend’s dress. 
“With Tootsie, Torch Song Trilogy and Boy 
George,” he notes, “this is the age of gen- 
der confusion. You get used to it.” 

Sam declares he felt “honored” at being 
picked as the Cagelle to appear in PLAYBOY. 
“I couldn't wait to tell my father and all 
his golf buddies." Sam's dad used to be a 
football coach in Florida, which may 
explain why Sam feels that playing in the 
Broadway Show League with the Cage 
baseball nine “helps balance things out." 
Even so, he admits to being drawn to fash- 
ion magazines nowadays, studying the 


way top models do their make-up. Sam 
does his own. Eventually, he expects to get 
out of drag and into pop music. “For now, 
though, the show has opened a lot of 
doors. And as our director, Arthur 
Laurents, keeps reminding us, we're not 
drag queens; we're actors playing women.” 

Click. 

She's taking her bar exam, just in case, 
but Anna Nicholas moved to New York 
from Boston because “I want desperately 
to do theater. . .. You have to develop 
that part of you that makes you a real 
actress, which means working in a fine 
play with a strong director." Meanwhile, 
like many of her peers, Anna has to settle 
for what she can get—Trecently, a youth- 
oriented comedy called Hot Resort, filmed 
on the Caribbean island of St. Kitts. “I'm 
the brainiest of four girls who go there on a 
cruise ship full of geriatric cases.” 

Asan actress, Anna still doesn’t have an 
agent, though she was signed by a prestig- 
ious modeling agency after Cosmopolitan 
picked her to be a make-over subject. 
“Someone from the magazine stopped me 
on the street and said, ‘Hey, we can make 
you look really exotic.’ Since then, I've 
done a slew of commercials.” 

Click. 

“1 get work because I hustle to find it,” 
declares Laine Jastram, “ап@ once they 
hire me, I’m usually upgraded to a speak- 
ing role or what’s known as a silent bit. 
Laine’s film credits so far include the latest 
Muppets movie ("I'm the blonde pro- 
ducer who goes screaming down the hall, 
with Animal chasing me”), Beat Street ("1 
don't know why I keep getting into these 
break-dance movies”) and something 
called Model Behavior (“It’s not X-rated 
or anything, more like a sex spoof. I play а 
showgirl who just has a real good time”). 

Although Laine herself has near-perfect 
teeth and a figure to match, she met her 
dentist husband in New York while having 
a cavity filled. “Не loves my appearing in 
PLAYBOY. His ideal for years has been to be 
with a girl who's been in р.лувоү, and now 
he's got his wish." 

Click. 

Before she joined The New York High- 
Voltage Broadway Cheerleaders, who have 
entertained Mayor Edward Koch and per- 
formed in a Cavalcade of Stars benefit at 
Madison Square Garden, native New 
Yorker Ivy Frank danced solo on a Pacific 
Air Force tour of Korea, Japan, Okinawa 
and the Philippines. “It was hectic,” she 
recalls. “Those guys hadn't seen а girl 
їп a long time. I couldn't even go to the 
bathroom without being comered. But 
PAC-AF had made me an honorary gen- 
eral in the Air Force, thank God, so I out- 
ranked most of them.” 

Linda Russo also dances with The High- 
Voltage Cheerleaders, "going anywhere 
that has anything to do with New York." 
Between bookings, she takes modeli 


assignments and works as a hostess in a 
(concluded оп page 146) 


oct: 
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QUITS, You DO 
SOMETHING NICE 


l'UE GAINED SOMETHING IN А 
RELATIONSHIP. THIS TIME, Att 
1 GAINED WAS WEIGHT: 


143 


14 


HOLISTIC HARRY BY JOHN DEMPSEY 


< т I LOVE THE FEELING © OOOH, HARRY! LOOKIT THAT Ё 
МУ FAVORITE _ Y 1 OF BEING NAKED d TALL GUY! HE MUST BEA 


NUDE BEACH/ 1 INTHE SUNS й BASKETBALL PLAYER / 


HARRY! THAT GUY OVER COMING OUTTA THE WATER,HARRY/ | | HEY- AREN'T | AND RISK GETTING 
THERE — CHECK OUT HIS P DID YOU EVER SEE SUCH T YOU GOING / SKIN CANCER OF THE 
EQUIPMENT/ A BIG ONE ON SUCH TO TAKE OFF 
И A SMALL МАМ? age YOUR SHORTS? 
эй 


Y ( НЕКЕ -LU JUST 
CEONVEL, NO ONE SLIP THES —MMMNM? 
<, WILL EVER KNOW. 


\ con 1 UNGH! | 
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4 WHEN УР | 
[N GETING OFF. 


THROUGH SPACE anv TIME 
WITH 


EL ¿Mp ES S 


, THIS MONTH: 
LITTERATURE d AMOUR 


( I UNDERSTAND YOU ARE ) 
FROM EARTH, МК. ww 


TODAY, WE FIND 
OUR HEROES AT A | 
GATHERING AT THE 
CONGLOMERATION 
EMBASSY ON 
TUZIA, WHERE IT 
WOULD SEEM 
JONES HAS MADE | 
A CONQUEST.... 


I'VE ALWAYS ADMIRED У YES, | 


THE WRITERS OF YOUR/ THOUGH 

PLANET- TOLSTO’ I'VE | THOSE NAME 
FITZGERALD... ALWAYS ARE NOT 

> — PREFERRED | | FAMILIAR /. 


| CONTINUE THIS DISCUSSIO! 
| IN MORE PLEASANT б 
{| SURROUNCINGS . 


[NEEDLESS TO SAY, THE 

= COUNTESS IS POWERLESS AGAINST 
|THE MASCULINE CHARMS OF 

[RANDY JONES! INEVITABLY, ONE 

[THING LEADS TO ANOTHER... 


ONE OF MY FAVORITE EARTH WRITERS, 
ANTOINE de SAINT-EXUPERY, ONCE WROTE 
SOMETHING VERY BEAUT:FLIL. 

HE WROTE, “LOVE DOES МСТ 

CONSIST IN GAZING AT. 

EACH OTHER BUT IN 

LOOKING OUTWARD 

TOGETHER IN THE 

SAME DIRECTION / ^, 


p SOMEHOW, 1 DONT 
J THINK THIS IS WHAT 
| SAINT- EXUPERY 
| HAD IN MIND’ 


И]. 
رد‎ 


PLAYBOY 


146 


BABES 04 BROADWAY (continued from page 142) 


“ ‘Tue been dancing for 18 years. What I want now 
is to dance and be happy and get paid for it.’” 


restaurant called Hobcau's. The dance 
group's immediate aim is to become city 
mascots representing the Big Apple. Mec- 
ca, of course, still means Broadway. Ivy 
sums it up succinctly: "I'm ready. Гуе 
paid my dues. At 27, I've been dancing for 
18 years. What I want now is to dance and 
be happy and get paid for it.” 
Click. 


Down in a Greenwich Village loft, 
Donna Williams thrives as a superchic 
latter-day bohemian who divides her time 
between acting and designing haule cou- 
ture. She doesn’t like to name them, but 
several rrreally big pop stars perform 
while wearing her threads. So far, Donna 
prefers her fashion sense to her film credits 
(The Bubble Gum Murders wasn’t really 
her style). She speaks Japanese fluently 
and had a TV following in Tokyo. “I 
worked on The Taka Chan Show, a comedy 
that was like a Japanese spoof of Super- 
man.” The money she makes as an actress, 
says Donna, “gives me an overwhelming 
feeling.” You might call it her favorite yen. 

Click. 

Working at Ben Benson’s Steak House 
on 52nd Street is only a stopgap job for 
ambitious, effervescent Kasey Cameron. 
“I'm not going to be a waitress my whole 
life, 1 swear. I'm a good actress and a ter- 
rific singer. I have a big, phenomenal 


voice, like Barbra Streisand's and Liza 
Minnelli's. But people see me and think 
I'm an ingénue.” 

Ambitious though she is, a girl has to 
draw the line somewhere. “I turned down 
a role in Porky’s because they wanted me to 
soap up a flaccid penis,” Kasey reports. 
“But I do lingerie modeling for Berlei, and 
ГИ tell you why I’m here in PLAYBOY. 
Because I hope someone will see me and 
think, Well, this girl has a good body . . . 
maybe she has some talent, too.” 

Click. 

Like countless actress-models who have 
to be ready for anything and everything, 
Christina Belton itemizes “‘special skills” 
on her professional résumé. Among her 
listed talents are “roller skating, tennis, 
mime, baton twirling, Southern, street and 
West Indian dialects, licensed to drive 
standard-shift car and motorcycle.” Thus 
far, her limited credits include such film 
bits as “attending Miss Piggy’s wedding" 
and “being a mourner іп 5.0.В.” 

Physically, Christina appears to be 
richly endowed, though one old acquaint- 
ance claims she has no head for business, 
“or she could have been a star a long time 
ago.” Even so, in showbiz, a girl can go 
pretty far with Belton’s basic equipment. 

Click. 


“My name is Miss Jenkins. Don’t give me any lip. 
Гт а mud wrestler on weekends.” 


Dancing for tourists and tired business- 
men in an ooh-la-la cabaret show called 
Paris, Je l'aime isn't quite the same as 
being the toast of Broadway; but at the 
Café Versailles, blonde Belinda Andretti 
occasionally gets mash notes, phone calls 
or bottles of vintage champagne from 
stage-door Johnnies. “If a waiter says 
some guy wants to meet me, I peek 
through the curtain first," says Belinda. 
“Of course, if he’s ugly, 1 don't go out.” 
Generally, she's too tired to bea girl about 
town. She'd rather be Debra Winger or 
Мау! Streep. “Апа Га love to be in a 
James Bond movie.” Meanwhile, she stud- 
ies at the Lee Strasberg studio to get ready 
for the time when “your knees go. . .. m 
tired of dancing, anyway, and want to do 
movies or straight theater.” 

Belinda’s sentiments are echoed by 
Cindi Thomas, who shares the Versailles 
spotlight and never dreamed she’d wind 
up in New York dancing topless. “Two 
years ago, 1 said I'd never be able to do it. 
But you can’t be embarrassed about any- 
thing you do and still do it full out. Now I 
find it’s nice, rather sensuous.” Cindi is 
married to a male performer in the show 
and figures she has another decade to 
dance. “This fall, ГИ start auditioning for 
Broadway, because you can be an actress 
for the rest of your life.” 

Click. 

Debbee Hinchcliffe tap-dances a bit and 
practices plenty but goes to auditions (“1 
pound the streets in cold, sleet and rain”) 
hoping no one will ask her to sing. “Not 
with this voice; the only thing I could 
really sing well would be Diamonds Are a 
Girl's Best Friend." That notion elicits а 
giggle and a squeak from Debbee, whose 
high-pitched vocal beep tones are like 
nothing heard onstage, onscreen or else- 
where since the late Judy Holliday 
knocked 'em dead in Bora Yesterday. If they 
ever get around to putting PLavBOY's Little 
Annie Fanny on film, Hinchcliffe ought to 
be a front runner for the title role. 

“People typecast me in sexy dumb- 
blonde roles, which I’m pretty good at. 
But I’m not dumb,” says Debbee, who 
worked in the computer industry and 
spent a year on Wall Street, sneaking off to 
auditions during lunch hours until she 
realized she was a babe whose heart 
belonged to Broadway—her first love. 
“Romance? Forget it. I don't have time for 
that stuff. I don't want children. I want an 
Afghan hound and an Akita and two par- 
rots. Men will always be there, even when 
I'm 50. I'll still have а figure and can бега 
face lift if I have to." 

Debbee strikes а theme common among 
Broadway's ambitious, dedicated new 
generation of women, who put marriage 
low on their list of priorities. In gencral, 
they prefer top billing to top cooing. And 
if you think that’s something new in ac- 
tresses, fella, better check your program. 


©з з REFNOLDS TOGACCO COMPANY 


Camel Lights, Mh 
77 unexpectedly CAME 


mi ld. LIGHTS X 


rZ 


PLAYBOY 


GIFT OF THE GODS 


(continued from page 94) 


“Something with shiny, dark eyes was watching him 
and was thinking how Henry Laird would taste.” 


everywhere, infusing the world, and none 
of the implications of any of it was lost on 
Henry Laird. 

He had been walking, for no conscious 
reason, along the broad quietness of 
Harmon Avenue, gazing at the fine old 
trees and the low hills of the lawns and the 
looming bulks of the old mansions that 
lined its sides, when he found he had come 
to the little park that sat at the end of 
Main Street and faced the great spread of 
the lake. 

The park was a small jewel of design, 
with its gardens gracious even now, before 
their real blooming; and its budding trees, 
waiting for their new leaves, stood com- 
posed in smooth, stylish curves and 
clumpings. 

In the center of the park, or, rather, just 
enough off its center to make its location 
more interesting, was a small Grecian tem- 
ple of the open, pillared style. Henry 
climbed the western steps and stood on the 
porch like a lost prince come at last to his 
kingdom. 

The air from the lake wafted as gently 
over his face as a deliberately loving 
stroke, so he pulled his wool cap from his 
head in order to let the breeze caress more 
of him. He closed his eyes for a long mo- 
ment and after some time, let them flutter 
open. At first, he looked about dazedly, en- 
joying the faint, odd, golden gleam that 
everything about him had taken on; but 
then he began to observe his surroundings 
in some detail, looking around in the man- 
ner of one who has returned home after a 
long and hazardous voyage. 

It was then, for the first time, that he 
saw the greasy paper sack. 

A thing as ugly as that had no business 
being in such surroundings. It belonged in 
a dingy alley next to garbage cans. It was 
not proper that such an object be in such a 
place as this Henry advanced to the 
brown sack and, after а moment's hesita- 
tion over its really spectacular filthiness, 
bent down and picked the thing up with 
both his hands. 

It was nowhere near as heavy as its bulk 
seemed to indicate. Although it was 
jammed full, almost to bursting, it could 
not weigh a full three pounds. A rich ani- 
mal reck exuded from the sack, and Henry 
peeked down into its gaping mouth and 
saw that it seemed to be stuffed full of 
grayish-black hair. He would remove the 
disreputable, odious thing. 

But just before he left the park—just be- 
fore he stepped from its grass to the side- 
walk that would lead him back into the 
20th Century maze of concrete and asphalt 


Mg that made up the basic webbing of this 


modern world—he became aware of being 
observed 

Something, he knew it, something with 
shiny, dark eyes was watching him, was 
carefully taking his measure as a hunter 
does of a rabbit or a lion of a zebra colt; 
and it was thinking, he could feel it in his 
own mouth, how Henry Laird would taste 
if you sunk your teeth into his shoulder 
until the skin split and the muscles tore 
and the blood spurted into your maw. And 
it was enjoying the taste, enjoying it very 
much. 

So Henry quit the little park with more 
speed than he ordinarily might have used, 
and he was very glad when he reached his 
apartment building with his shoulder still 
unsplit and whole, and he was even glad- 
der when he had gained the safety of his 
bedroom, having gotten past his mother, 
who, thank God, was busy making Jell-O 
with fruit in it and so hadn’t caught as 
much as a glimpse of him or what he bore. 

. 


In his room, on his desk, the sack looked 
even worse than it had before. Its splotch- 
ings were more numerous and varied now, 
it seemed, and the disreputable, furtive 
look of it, its sullen poverty, made it stand 
ош starkly against its present comfortable 
surroundings. 

Henry took hold of the long, dark hair 
that poked from the sack’s mouth, and 
when he tugged, it slithered forth and cas- 
caded smoothly to the floor almost like liq- 
uid, like thick blood or oil. Henry tossed 
the sack aside and went to his knees, 
smoothing the fur with his hands, spread- 
ing it out; and then, with a silent gasp and 
a widening of his eyes, he saw what he 
had got. 

From its head (for it certainly had a 
head) to the sharp, curving claws of its 
hind feet (for it had them, too), it was a 
kind of nighumare costume made of, as far 
as Henry could see, one single pelt for all 
its six-foot length and the wide stretch of 
its arms or upper legs. 

It was animalskin, no doubt of it, bestial 
for certain, and yet there was an extremely 
disquieting suggestion of the human about 
it, too. It seemed to have been scalped 
from something between species, some- 
thing caught in the middle of an evolution- 
ary leap or fall. 

"The cars were animal in shape, pointed 
and high-peaked, with the wide cupping 
given to wild things that they might better 
hear their prey or would-be killer padding 
in the dark, and yet the placement of them, 
their relation to the forehead, was entirely 
human. And was that a nose or a snout? 

Tt was hard to say, too, whether the ap- 
pendages at the ends of its arms or forelegs 


were claws or hands, since they had some- 
thing of the qualities of both. The cruelty 
in their design strongly suggested an anat- 
оту too brutal to be human, yet the 
thumbs and the forefingers were clearly 
opposable, and there was something about 
the formation of the palms that denied 
their being exclusively animal. 

Of course, in their present condition, 
these last were neither hands nor claws; 
they were gloves. Large gloves—far too 
large for the hands of Henry Laird, for 
instance—but gloves all the same. 

Henry held his left hand over the left 
glove of the costume. Yes, it was far, far 
too small to fill that hairy, clawed contain- 
er. The fingers of them were inches too 
long. If he slipped his fingers into them— 
it Was a strangely disquieting thought that 
made all of his own skin tingle and crawl— 
the gloves would dangle limply hollow 
from the first knuckle. 

Still, Henry would try; and he moved his 
hand down in a kind of slow swoop to where 
the skin gaped in a slit just under the 
costume's palm and slid his hand in, noting 
how smoothly and effortlessly it seemed to 
glide; and when it was in, entirely in, the 
glove, with an odd noise something like а 
cat’s hiss, shrank in against the fingers and 
back and palm of Henry’s hand until it fit 
him like a second skin. 

Henry gave а kind of muffled shriek, sti- 
fling it with his unclad hand, and then 
pulled frantically at the glove. He expected 
а horrible resistance, but no such thing; it 
slid off most cooperatively—shot off, real- 
ly, since he had pulled it so hard—and 
when Henry saw that his hand seemed 
none the worse for having worn it, he 
slipped the glove on and off again a few 
more experimental times 

Now it seemed that Henry’s wearing of 
the glove had permanently affected it, for 
it remained his exact size, whether he had 
it on or not, which meant it was now ludi- 
crously small foi opposite partner; so 
Henry, after giving the matter a litde 
thought, slipped his other hand into the 
other glove with identical effect and the 
end result that the two were now precisely 
the same size—which is to say Henry’s 
size. 

The implications of this singular phe- 
nomenon gave Henry a clear challenge 
that very few boys his age could have re- 
sisted, and certainly Henry did not; and 
50, after going very quietly to the door and 
peeking out of it and listening carefully to 
make sure that his mother was still im- 
mersed in making fruit Jell-O, Henry 
picked up the costume and, with just a 
slight grating of his teeth and squinching 
up of his face, slipped it on. 

He started with the legs, slipping into 
them as he would into pants, and gasped 
slightly as they shrank instantly to accom- 
modate his size, again with that catlike 
hissing sound; and then he hunched into 
the arms, and they, hissing, fitted to him; 
and then there was a very alarming mo- 
ment when the torso of the costume curled 


мн өші 


chants тана ИА 


Evena 
perfectionist 
needs alittle variety 
nowand then. 


Tanqueray 


ENGLISH GIN IMPORTED BY SOMERSET IMPORTERS, LTO.. NY 
100% GRAIN NEUTRAL SPIRITS, 94 6 PROOF © 1964 


round his own and shrank to coat him 
smoothly, this with the loudest hissing of 
all; and then, by far the worst, the whole 
thing scaled up, the openings withering 
down to slits and the slits healing to un- 
broken skin, until his whole body was cov- 
ered and wrapped with the dark-gray pelt. 

Except for his head, that is. Henry had 
left the head for the last, just as he would 
have done with a Halloween costume. 

He walked over to the mirror set into the 
door and gazed at himself in wonder, his 
pink face staring above the dark, hairy 
body, а mad scientist's transplant. He 
moved his arms and legs, experimentally 
at first, and watched their reflections make 
little, cautious movements. He reached out 
with one hand to touch the mirror and 
thrilled when he realized that he was асш- 
ally feeling the glass not through the skin, 
as one does when wearing a glove, but with 
the skin! 

After a time of touching and moving and 
carefully watching, Henry reached up be- 
hind him, groping for the mask, which was 
dangling down his back like a hood, and 
took hold of it and, very slowly and cau- 
tiously, watching anxiously all the time, 
slipped it over the top of his head and then 
his forehead; and then, closing his eyes— 
somehow, he did not want them to be open 
when they would be blind and covered— 
he pulled the mask completely down until 
the fur of its neck met the fur of the 
costume's chest, and he shuddered vio- 
lendy when he felt, with his lids still firmly 
closed, the whole business squeeze gently 
in, molding itself to the flesh of his face; 
and only when the catlike hissing had 
faded away entirely did he dare open his 
eyes 

There, facing him from the mirror of his 
own bedroom, with his desk covered with 
homework and a hanging model airplane 
for its background, was a monster—a 
small monster, true, but no less frighten- 
ing for that. 

Henry crouched a little as he studied his 
reflection. It seemed more comfortable 
that way. He moved his face closer to the 
glass. The nostrils worked as he breathed. 

He lifted his head slightly and inhaled 
deeply and found he could smell the Jell-O 
his mother was making way off in the 
kitchen more clearly than he would ordi- 
narily be able to do if he put his позе close 
enough to the pot to feel the heat 

He looked back at his reflection and 
studied his eyes intently. They were his 
eyes, no doubt of that, though the blueness 
of them was strange in their present set- 
ting. Then he opened his mouth and 
neatly fainted. 

It was in no way the mouth of Henry 
Laird. It had fangs, for one thing, for the 
most obvious thing, but the differences did 
not stop there. All its teeth were as sharp 
as needles, every single tooth; and moving 
in and around them and lapping over 
them, constantly on the move, was a long, 
lean, curling tongue. Not Henry Laird’s 
tongue. Not even a human tongue. 


Without giving any thought to it, Henry 
pulled the skin costume from his head, his 
arms, his whole body, and threw it to the 
floor. 

Again he studied himself in the mirror, 
touching his forehead, feeling his arms, 
wiggling his fingers; and then, only after 
all those preliminary tests, he opened his 
mouth and nearly cried aloud in his relief 
in seeing nothing more formidable in it 
than the ordinary incisors and molars with 
the occasional filling put here and there by 
Dr. Mineke, the family dentist, because of 
Mounds bars and licorice. 

The skin was returned to its filthy paper 
sack, the sack was stuffed into the rear of 
the bottom drawer of his bureau and 
Henry took the most meticulous shower of 
his life and scrubbed his mouth three 
times in a row with Stripe tooth paste. 

. 

About ten that night, when Henry was 
just about to go to bed and had almost 
convinced himself that there was nothing 
waiting in his room, the doorbell rang and 
his father got out of his easy chair with a 
grunt and pushed the button by the 
doorbell so that he could talk with 
whomever it was downstairs and said, 
“Yes? Yes? Who's there?” 

At first, there was nothing but breathing 
from downstairs; then they all heard a 
voice, Henry and his father and his 
mother—a deep, growly sort of voice. 

“I want it back,” the voice said, muffled 
and distorted. 

“What?” asked Henry’s father. “What 
did you say?” 

“You give it back,” the voice said, 
louder; and this time you could hear the 
saliva in it, the drool. “It’s mine, you! 
They gave it to me, see?” 

“Look here,” said Henry’s father, “I 
don’t know who you are or what you're 
trying to say.” 

“Who is that, dear?” asked Henry’s 
mother. “What does he want?” 

Now there was only breathing, heavier 
than before and with the hiss of spittle. 

“You're going to have to speak up,” 
said Henry's father. “I can't make out a 
word you're saying.” 


But now the breathing was gone and 
there was only the sound of rain, near and 
insistent as it battered and spattered 
against the windows of the apartment 
Henry quietly gathered up his books from 
the table where he had been doing his 
homework. 

“Hello? Hello?” said Henry's father, 
pressing impatiently on the LISTEN button 
“I think he's some drunk.” 

Henry started down the hall, holding 
his schoolbooks to his chest. 

"Whoever he was, he seems to have 
gone," said Henry's father, and the rain, 
which had suddenly grown much fiercer, 
began throwing itself against the windows 
in alarming, angry-sceming gusts. 

“Well, he certainly doesn’t sound like 
anyone we know,” said Henry’s mother, 
and his father, chewing his lip a little, 


“I don't feel like it anymore.” 


151 


casting а glance or two at the front-hall 


THE LOOK бб АЦ BUSINESS door of the apartment, settled again into 
. s his easy chair. 
BUT THE FEEL IS STILL : 
Lying in his bed, staring up at a ceiling 
SPERRY TOP-S IDER too dark to be seen, Henry listened to the 
le roaring wind and considered the situation. 

Outside, in the wet wildness of this 
awful night, prowled a being dangerous to 
Henry and his family. It would not do just 
to give back what was asked for. Wearing 
the skin had roused something in Henry 
that knew all that and relished what it now 
made necessary. 

When it seemed from the stillness of the 
apartment that his parents were asleep, 
Henry rose, carefully and quietly, padded 
across the floor to his bureau, extracted 
the skin from its double confinement of 
sack and drawer and slipped it on. 

The cat hissings merged into one 
smooth, unbroken cry when he donned the 
costume all at once, going from а kind of 
throaty purr to a final yowl of triumph as 
the mask sealed on, but all blended into 
the sound of the rain. Henry was sure his 
parents had heard none of it 

His passage through the apartment to 
the kitchen was so near to silent that even 
his hearing, heightened astoundingly by 
its joining with the high-peaked cars of 
what he wore, was unable to detect any of 

ACLASSICON LAND, it save for the tiniest clicking as he turned 
Hs s MT TERR И | | the back-door lock. He took a deep breath, 


и ERAY TOP SIDER INC А DIVISION OFTHE STAIDE RITE CORPORATION 1 CAMPRIDGE CENTER CANBRIDGL MASSACHUSETTS Ры opened and closed the door as quickly and 
softly as he could, and he was standing in 
the wind and pelting rain on the apart- 
ment’s back porch. 

He rested his claws—for they were 
claws, not hands—on the wooden railing 
of the porch and peered down and around 
three stories below at the apartment's 
huge back yard. 

There were occasional lights mounted 
here and there, none too solidly from the 
wild way they swayed in the wind: some on 
posts, spewing their swaying beams on 
parked cars; some fixed to the brick walls 
of the building, making a dancing shine on 
dark, wet windows or creating ominous 
shiftings of shadows in the depths of base- 
ment entrances; but none of them did 
much to dispel the dank gloom all about. 

Henry lifted his snout and inhaled 
deeply and questingly and got a wild med- 
ley of night odors: rain and cinders; som 
thing strong blown in from the lake; a nest 
hidden on a nearby roof whose smell of 
new eggs and bird flesh made his mouth, 
with its needle-sharp teeth and long, loll- 
ing tongue, water—but not a whiff of his 
enemy. 

He began to trot quietly down the rain- 
slicked wooden steps, glancing sharply 
about with his incongruous blue eyes as he 
moved. 

He did not stop at the foot of the steps— 
there was a revealing pool of light from a 
lamp—but ducked quickly into a sooty 
patch of shadow before he crouched and 
sucked in great pulls of air, analyzing each 
one carefully before turning an inch or so 


PLAYBOY 


to sample again. Then, suddenly, he froze 
and blinked and inhaled again without 
moving, this time even deeper, and a 
snarling kind of chuckle came from his 


throat, and his teeth were bared in a 


human, if singularly cruel, grin. 

Bent low, ducking craftily from shadow 
to shadow, Henry dodged his way nearer 
and nearer to the wide gap in the wooden 
fence that led to the alley in back of the 
building 

He pressed himself against the wall, lis- 
tening with his animal ears and feeling the 
rain exactly as though it were falling on his 
own bare skin. He could make out the 
motor of a far-distant car; someone in an 
apartment was playing dance music on a 
radio and humming to it; there was a muf- 
fled mewing from a covered nest of kittens; 


and there was the harsh. slurred breathing 
of his enemy. 

He was near. His smell was mixed with 
garbage smells: moldering oranges and 
lamb bones gone bad mingled with a hot 
hate smell, a killing smell out there in the 
dark. He was very likely watching the 
opening in the fence. Henry slowly backed 
up along the fence away from the opening 
until it joined a porch. After а listening 
pause to make sure the enemy had not 
moved, he stealthily climbed the porch's 
side, which gave him a perch just over- 
looking the alley. 

The tar of the alley gleamed like black 
enamel in the rain from the light of the 
bare bulb mounted over the rear door of 


the apartment building opposite. The first 
sweep of his glance seemed to indicate 
that the alley was innocent of anything 
save a tidy army of garbage cans beside 
the building’s concrete landing and a less 
respectable accumulation of cans and rub- 
bish just outside the back yard of a private 
house farther down, but a squinting sec- 
ond look showed an ominous bulk 
hunkered down between the second batch 
of garbage and a low wooden fence 
Silently, hurrying as fast as he could so 
as not to give the enemy time to mull 
things over and change position, Henry 
made his way through his building and 
around the block so that he could ap- 


proach the alley fence of the private house 


from its rear. Once in the house's back 
yard, he dropped to all fours and inhaled 
deeply. He grinned again, and this time 
the grin was significantly less human than 
it had been before. His prey was still there. 

The impulse to rush with all speed so 
that he might throw himself at once upon 
his enemy and rip his skin and drink his 
spurting blood was so devastatingly strong 
that the flesh of Henry's flanks rippled 
suppressing it. He hunched down, puffing 
from the effort of wresting control from the 
sudden killing urge. He could not let such 
a thing master him. A blind scurry for- 
ward might undo all his cleverness so far. 


He had done well as a neophyte; he must 
continue to do во. 

But still the smell of the enemy, the rich 
meatiness of it, was maddening. It seemed 


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he could even detect the pulsings in the 
veins and arteries! 

He forced himself into calmness, hunch- 
ing low into the wet grass. He took a deep 
snuff of the earth scent in an attempt to 
clear his head and then began to work his 
way slowly and silently forward toward 
where the pile of garbage and his vic- 
tim were lumped together on the fence’s 
other side. 

But as he drew nearer, he became aware 
of some confusion, It seemed the garbage 
stench was growing stronger than his vic- 
tim’s. Then it crossed his mind that that 
might well have been the reason that place 
had been chosen. He was, after all, dealing 
with someone far more experienced than 
himsc— 

"Then there was a terrific shock and а 
sidewise lurch, and Henry's head exploded 
in a searing blast of light followed by a 
great, black rushing that threw him into а 
confusion of motion, not himself moving 
but himself being moved, roughly, brutal- 
ly, and he screamed because of the awful, 
horrible pain—someone was tearing the 
skin from his face, ripping it off him, roots 
and all, and now his scalp and now the 
flesh of his neck—and he screamed and 
screamed and cried out, “Please, please 
stop!” but the tearing of the flesh from his 
body did not stop, only went on and on; 
and with each violent ripping and rending 
of himself from himself, the raw agony 
burned over more and more of him, until 
he was nothing but a scorched, stripped 
leaving thrown aside. 

He lay naked on the wet grass, confus- 
ing his tears with the rain running over his 
body, and was profoundly grateful for the 
tears and the rain, for they were cooling 
and healing the rawness of him so that he 
was becoming aware of something other 
than pain, aware of the night and of move- 
ment before him. 

There was the enemy before him, the 
victor, not the victim, huge and smelling— 
even to Henry’s human nose, the stench of 
him was clear enough—hunched down 
and pulling this way and that at something 
in his hands. 

“You spoiled it, goddamn, you little 
bastard!” the enemy sobbed and, leaning 
over, huge and dark in the night, sent а 
pale fist lashing out and knocked Henry's 
head back painfully against the fence. 
“You fucked it up, you little prick!” 

Henry curled closer into himself and for 
the first time realized that the thing the 
enemy was tugging at was the costume. Не 
did it with such absorption and violence 
that at one point his hat fell from his head 
and the rain streaked his long, black hair 
in curling ribbons down his furrowed fore- 
head without his noticing. 

The enemy's eyes were shiny and black, 
аз Henry had sensed they were back in the 
park with the Grecian temple, and his 
teeth, though human, seemed much more 


pointed than the norm, the canines longer 
and sharper. All were bared in alternate 
snarling and sobbing, for the enemy was 
desperate. At length, he threw the costume 
down in fury and then lunged at Henry, 
taking him by the shoulders and shaking 
him hard enough to make his teeth rattle. 

“It's all gone small, you little son of a 
bitch!” he shouted into Henry’s face, and 
the stink of his breath made Henry gag. 
“What did you do, hah, you fucker? How 
did you make it shrink, you shit?” 

“I put it on!” Henry sobbed, his head 
bouncing crazily as the enemy continued 
to shake him. “I put it оп!” 

A crafty look sprang into the enemy’s 
face. He held Henry still for a long second, 
staring closely at his face. 

“Yeah,” he said. “Yeah, I remember. It 
changed when they gave it to me” 

He threw Henry hard against the fence 
and clawed up the skin, holding it spread 
open before him like a huge, soggy bat. 

“Yeah,” said the foe to himself, his wet 
face gleaming, his long canines shining. 
“Yeah!” 

Then, with a growling chuckle, he lifted 
the costume’s arm, pushed his huge hand 
into the skin glove of it and grinned wider 
and wider until it seemed that all of his 
teeth, his not really human teeth, were 
showing. The glove had stretched easily, 
and that which had been a small claw 
when Henry wore it was now something 
like a grizzly's paw. 

He held his hand wearing the glove high 
into the rain in savage triumph, the rest of 
the costume trailing from it like a shaggy 
banner, and then he thrust it in front of 
Henry, waving it as a fist under his nose. 

“You wait, you little piece of shit!” he 
crowed. “You wait till you see what I do to 
your face with this!” 

He pulled on the other glove with equal 
ease, then stood and stepped into the hairy 
costume with his long, powerful legs, roar- 
ing with laughter when they slid in 
smoothly. A great flash of lightning made 
Henry blink, and when he opened his eyes, 
it was to see the costume curling round his 
enemy’s chest, fitting it with a loving close- 
ness. 

His foe looked down at him with a grin 
of hate that made Henry shudder, and 
then, as a sudden crash of thunder made 
the ground jump, the grizzly paws took 
hold of the costume’s mask, pulling it over 
the brutal, laughing face, so that the fol- 
lowing volley of crackling lightning 
showed the monster standing there com- 
plete, towering awesomely over Henry, 
striding toward him, bending down and 
picking him up with a paw clutching either 
side of his throat. “1 got you now, you little 
fuck!” the monster said, and Henry felt his 
weight making the long claws dig into his 
neck as he was swung ina high arc close to 
the hairy face grinning with fangs of such a 
fearsome length and sharpness that he 
almost vomited at the sight of them. 


Then the monster suddenly froze posi- 
tion, and as Henry watched, the ghastly 
maw’s grin made а weird, rapid transition, 
faltering, twisting and finally turning to a 
wide gape of dismay. 

“Naw!” his enemy snarled. “Naaaw!” 

And then came a shocking crash of 
thunder, loud enough to make the very 
ground of Lakeside shudder, and as it 
pealed and pealed, rolling round in the 
sky, Henry saw the monster’s eyes bulge 
impossibly, and then the paws released 
him with a spastic gesture and he landed 
with a hard thump on the ground to stare 
up in astonishment. 

Lit by endless lightning, all sound of 
him drowned out by the ceaseless, merci- 
less, air-flung cacophony, the monster 
pranced wildly in a crazy dance, arms and 
legs svinging like a mad jumping jack's, 
and from the gape of his horrible jaws and 
the spewing of blood and saliva, his 
screams must have been bloodcurdlingly 
ghastly could they have been heard. 

But they could not; thunder censored 
all—and so it was in a kind of carsplitting 
silence that Henry saw the monster’s eyes 
bulge more and more until the roundness 
of them projected entirely outside the 
sockets of the mask, and then су were 
violently jected in a double spray of 
blood, and Henry found himself staring 
unbelievingly at the extraordinary sight of 
his blinded enemy beginning to shrink 
before him! 

At first, the process was uneven, one 
huge paw shriveling at a time, an arm 
bunching oddly and then shortening in a 
jerky telescopic fashion; but then, almost 
as if getting the feel of it, the whole сгеа- 
ture began to reduce itself in step, so to 
speak; and as Henry watched in appalled 
fascination but with an undeniable under- 
tone of profound satisfaction, he saw the 
being crushed down by stages, dancing 
and screaming all the while, kept alive and 
conscious by some horrendous magic until 
it was no larger than he had been while in 
the costume—until, that is, the costume 
had returned itself to 2 perfect fit for 
Henry Laird. Only then, and not before, 
was the suffering of his enemy terminated 
and the creature allowed to drop to the 
rain- and blood-soaked grass on which it 
had danced these last awful minutes. 

Its murderous readjustments complet- 
ed, the costume opened its various slits and 
slowly disgorged Henry’s enemy, now only 
a shapeless, glistening redness, washing it- 
self carefully in the pouring rain after it 
did so. When it was entirely free of all traces 
of its recent tenant, and not before, it slith- 
ered smoothly over to Henry's curled 
and shivering legs, very much as а cat will 
work its way to the side of a beloved 
master, and, snuggling close to him, waited 
to see what he wanted to do next. 


FASHION 


THE NEW CLASSICS 


POWERFUL SUITS, | 


RUGGED SWEATERS 


HOW TO CHOOSE. 
THE RIGHT SHIRT 


FINAL TOUCHES: 
ACCESSORIES ^ 
THAT MAKE 

THE DIFFERENCE 


“WHY I WEAR’ 
WHAT I WEAR”: 
THE STARS | 
TELL ALL 


SHOES FOR PE 
WEIGHT- 


As you can see, Timberland" lightweight support) and a fully padded collar around the 


casual shoes weigh a scant 11.5 oz. “each. ankles that make them ideal shoes for doing 
They may be light in weight but, since they're оі of walking. 


T imberlands, they're long on quality. And they're made with full-grained, 
They have a special 2-density orthotic oil- -impregnated leathers (the same tough but 
innersole (one layer for comfort, the other for supple leathers we use in our handsewns), 


"Registered trademans of The Timberland Company. © 1984 The Timberland Company. 


OPLE WHO ARE 


and a rugged “Morflex”/Vibram’sole. So you 
can be sure they won't wear out on those long 
walks before you do. ë 

Finally, they contain another attractive feature 
you might want to weigh before deciding which 
ЖҮЗЕГЕ casuals to buy: a price that's as much 


as $10 less than similar shoes from the competition. 

Which, all $ considered, 
should heavily бр the scales. — 
in our favor. 


ө тш 


“The Timberland Company PO Box ХАҚ Forme, Ne Hamper (180 


Available at: Jordon Marsh, Macys New York, Lazarus, Marshall Field's, Daytonis, Macys California, Burdines, Britches Great Outdoors, Abercrombie & Fitch. 


vomingdsles, Davidsonin, Daytons,E 
New England Traders, Str 


PLAYBOY GUIDE 


PREVIEW 


TSEEMED LIKE а good idea at the time. 

The salesman in the clothes store said 

the suit would last me a lifetime, that 
it would be an investment I would never 
regret. Still, it was a tough decision: Buy a 
wonderful suit or рау the next two months’ 
rent? The suit was very tweedy and highly 
hand-tailored and very well made—which 
was more than I could say for my арап- 
ment. I bought the suit. What the hell; 1 
could always find another place to live. 

What made the decision so momentous 
was that, like so many of the guys I grew 
up with, I had a working-class mentality 
when it came to clothing. (We didn’t dare 
call it fashion back then. Fashion was 
something only women could enjoy.) We 
each owned one good suit. At least, the 
guy at Robert Hall had always told us it 
was a good suit—good for weddings and 
funerals. None of us were in the business 
world yet, and none could afford to go 
to the kind of restaurant where you'd 
wear a good suit. So we bought what 
clothes we had on sale at cheap stores. 
And, we would learn much too late, we 
got what we paid for. 

It was frustration with the shiny thighs 
of those so-called good suits that I bought 
every year that finally made me give in 
and buy the hand-tailored tweed. That 
was a good eight or nine years ago. Funny 
thing: I still have that suit. And I still wear 
it. Pve had the lapels narrowed a bit 
and the pants legs tapered, but the suit 
still fits like a glove and I still get compli- 
ments on it. 

The moral of this tailoring tale is the 
theme of this Fashion Guide: Buy good 
stuff. Clothes count. What you wear 
should be a statement of your success. 
Your suits and shirts and ties, when picked 
properly, should be investments that carry 
you through the years. And, unless you're 


just starting job interviews, they should be 
а Step above cookie-cutter conservative. 
They should be statements of personal 
style. And bold men should make bold 
statements. 

We're not talking fads here. You won't 
sce any Japanese kimono jackets in this 
Fashion Guide. But you will see the added 
flair of peaked lapels on both single- and 
double-breasted styles. You'll see wider 
lapels and deeper-cut gorges (that’s the V 
of the lapel line that shows off your shirt). 

We'll show you the growing dominance 
of European spread collars in dress shirts; 
but we'll also tell you why you shouldn’t 
wear that style if it doesn't suit your face. 
We'll offer collar suggestions for every 
facial structure. 

We'll show you how certain fashion 
бай become wardrobe staples. Some 
three years ago, when we started showing 
you pleated trousers, they probably 
seemed pretty avant-garde. Today, a solid 
one third of all trousers sold in this coun- 
try are pleated. 

We've been telling you about double- 
breasted jackets for some time now, too, 
while warning you not to buy them blind- 
ly, because they weren't right for every 
man. Well, the designers have finally 
caught on. This scason, in addition to the 
six-button numbers, there's an abundance 


of four- and two-button double-breasteds 
that will look just fine on men who are a 
little shorter than your average fashion 
model. 

Colorwise, this autumn brings a refresh- 
ing change. After a number of seasons of 
black and white all over, the warm browns 
are back. You'll also see a lot of rich-toned 
grays and blues in highly textured fabrics. 
Many have bolder accents of sapphire, 
emerald and ruby. 

Overall, bold is big. Whether it’s witha 
dashing Perry Ellis polka-dot tie or a 
forcefully patterned hand-knit sweater, 
men of style will become а little more 
adventurous again. That's perhaps most 
apparent in our sweater feature. We go 
into that one assuming you already own 
the basic brown, blue and red crew-necks. 
So we start from second base with gutsier 
colors and bolder designs. We'll show you 
how to mix and layer while still looking 
rugged. And, with the right colors and pat- 
terns, we'll take you to the cutting edge of 
fashion—fashion for men. After all, why 
should women have all the fun? 


Maur ze levy 


Editor, Playboy Guides 


159 


PLAYBOY GUIDE 


Refreshingly styled tailored clothing 

( JI | S now becomes а solid investment for а 
truly successful man. Here, a wool 

tweed suit, $545, with peaked lapels 


new classics combines with a vest with notched lapels, 
offering а creative design counterpoint. 
Double-pleated trousers complete бе 
` look. А spread-collar cotton broadelot! 
FASHION EDITOR $72.50, is t with « silk glen- 
HOLLIS WAYNE 


tie, e d Polo/Ralph Lauren. 


This season, classic also means classy. 
On the cover is a subtly striped wool suit 
with notched lapels and ventless back, 
$765, worn with a cotton spaced- 
pinstripe shirt, $100, a silk tie with 
а subtle-rep pattern, $42.50, and a 
pattemed pocket square, $35, all 
from Alexander Julian. The double- 
pleated trousers with watch pocket 
help make this an updated classic. 


A four-button double-breasted suit 
allows for а deeper gorge, as well as а 
more Continental feel. This wool her- 
ringbone with peaked lapels and vent- 
less back is by Gary Е. Miller for Hans 
Baumler, $350; the cotton shirt with tab 
collar is from Hugo Boss, $70; the silk ti 

with duck motif is from Hiroko Koshino 
Neckwear, $40; the finishing touch is a 
paisley pocket square, by Imperial, $11. 


ATTACHE BY YOSHIDA & CO.. LTD. 


PLAYBOY GUIDE 


Whether it's for board-room boldness or 


n, this wool 


; the ecru polyester/ 
Burgundy accent 


silk club tie, by Hati 


кеше коязси#осзон 


\ 
| 
1 
1 
\ 
\ 
\ 


For a sportier, bolder but по less successful look, here с оге a 
Saxony-wool awning-stripe four-button double-breasted sports 
jacket with peaked lapels and ventless back, by Pierre "Сави < 
$250; cotton/polyester buttondown, by Nino Cerruti, $26; silk tie, ` 
by Alan Flusser, $22.50; wool flannel trousers with double pleats 
and extended front tab, by Jean-Paul Germain, $70. Notched 
lapels add flair to а single-breasted look. A lamb's-wool sports 
jacket with tattersall overplaid, by Country ies, $290, is 
wom with a double-breasted Shetland n Chaps by 
Ralph Lauren, $55; polyester/cotton buttond: Hennessy, 
$25; silk tie, by Alan Flusser, $32.50; poder square, by 
Imperial, $11; wool pleated trousers, by Gilberto сарае $135. 


< 


An awesel 


me collection of 
with canvas 


casual 
5. 


PLAYBOY GUIDE 


SHIRTS 


freedom of choice 


As collor styles become more voried, you 
should be less interested in whot “they” are 
wearing this yeor ond more concerned with the 
shirt collar thot suits your face best. The three 
most important considerations are рой! 
length, spread width ond band height. A low 
collar bond will moke the collor sit lower on the 
neck, giving а longer, thinner look. If you're 
long-necked, o higher collar bond will reverse 
the effect. Long collars and moderate spreads 
complement long faces. A thin face is best set 
off by о collor with а wide spreod and short 
points. For а heavy-set face, try о narrower 
spread with longer points. Also key to the rigl 
look is the size ond shape of the Не knot. A sin | 
gle Windsor looks best with wide spread ond. 
short points. Try o thin four-in-hond knot for a 
norrow spreod with longer points. But if your 
body is shorter than overage, you may do well f 
with a Windsor knot: It'll use up the tie length. 
Proportion is important, too. Narrower ties qo 
with shorter collors and smaller knots with nar- 
row spreods. The strong fashion look this foll is 
a tightly tied four-in-hond. Our shirt sompling 
here includes (first row down): А groy cotton/ 
polyester end on end with pinstripes and 
medium-spreod collor, by Nino Cerruti Shirts, 
$26. Next, o pinstripe cotton broodcloth with 
detachable collar, by Kenneth Gordon, New 
Orleans, $45; silk tie, by Hiroko Koshino ж 
Neckwear, $40; gold collar bor, by George ў 
Graham Golleries, $100; diomond inset tie 
tack, by Ivan Gregorovitch, $300. Then, o 
polyester/eotton chombroy tattersoll buttor- 
down, by Von Heusen 417, $21.50. Second 4 
row down: А brown-ond-white-cotton pinsiri : k ө 
shirt with white controsting buttondown сой 4 > ` 

$52, and striped silk tie, $22, both by Addi 
on Modison. Next, a cotton/polyester 
collor dress shirt with muted stripes, by Hath 
way, $33; lorge-dot silk twill tie, by Perry 
Men, $30; gold tie bor, by Penny Preville, 
$210. Last, о cotton striped shirt with contrast- 
ing Windsor-spread collor ond French cuffs, by 
Alon Flusser, $65; cufflinks, by Ted Wolter, $70. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY RAEANNE GIOVANNI 


PLAYBOY GUIDE 


SWEATERS | 


brave new knits 


This season's sweaters cre creative, rug- 
ged ond bold. Here ore some forceful 
favorites that should make you wont to 
pull the wool aver your eyes. Top row: 
Wool hand-knit button-front vest over 
multitextured coordinating crew-neck, 
both fram Tijuca by Lauro Pearson, each 
about $195; cream-woal pullover with 
crossover mock turtleneck, cabled front 
and ribbed sleeves, by Valentino, $225; 
natural-wool crew-neck with allover 
Pac-Man design, about $160, worn 
over striped cotton flannel buttondown 
shirt, $27, both by Rabert Stock; crew- 
neck, $260, worn aver plaid cottan shirt, 
$90, both by Perry Ellis Men; navy-ond 
white wool crew-neck with Chesopeoke 
design, $145, aver cotton-knit turtleneck, 
$32, both from Polo by Ralph Louren. On 
the end are multicalor-wool pullover 
with crossover turn-dawn collar ond tex- 
tured cables, by Henry Grethel, $250; 
suede-chamois shirt, by Golden Bear, $250. 
Middle row: Shetland crew-neck with 
multicolar pattern on front, by Alexander 
Julian, $245; wool scarf, by Day of the 
Unicorn, $12; wool-tweed cardigan with 
multicolor flecks, $115, over wool ribbed 
turtleneck with geometric design, $200, 
both by Yves Saint Lourent Menswear; 
hearty wool football-inspired cardigon, by 
Robert Stack, $260. Bottom row: Hand-knit 
pullaver in brown leather, from Uno Ltd. 
by Arnold Blye, $80; beneath it are striped 
cotton shirt, by Robert Lighton for British 
Крок, $44; alpaca-blend омегрісід 
sweater jacket with zipper front and cor- 
duroy storm closure, $280, aver wool- 
blend crew-neck, $100, both fram Cerruti 
1881 Sportswear; hand-knit worsted-wool 
crew-neck with cabled front and Fair Isle- 
patterned bands, $165, over cotton ma 
dros shirt, $42.50, both by Jeffrey Banks. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY UU ROSE 


Nothing's worse than cold 
or wet feet when you're 
stalking game or working. 
Now, there's a boot that'll 
keep your feet comfort- 
able in the roughest 
weather. Red Wings new 
»  Waterproof/Insulated 
ә Irish Setter. 


859 Waterproof/Insuleted 
Irish Setter 


Its really dry- 
made with Thundar leather, 
a unique silicone-treated 
leather that sheds water, 
yet breathes like ordinary 
cowhide. In fact, it's the most 
waterproof leather boot you 
can buy! And we guarantee 
it in writing with every pair. 

And truly warm-it's 
fully lined with quilted 
Thinsulate®/Cambrelle® 
to block out the cold and 
absorb sweat. Even the 
insole is fully covered with 
soft insulation materials. 


2241 


Тре Waterproof Irish Setter 


is a comfortable, long-wearing boot 


you can wear anywhere-in mud, 
slush or water. 


Who knows more about mak- 


ing premium, outdoor boots than 
Red Wing? We've been doing it 
since 1905. Insulated Red Wings 
соге in your choice of styles from 
sport boots to safety toe pull-ons 
with a variety of sole patterns. 
They're made with full-grain, 
water-repellent leather and fully 
lined with insulation materials 
including Thinsulate? and 
Urethane foam. 

Weatherproof your feet with 
Insulated Red Wings. Stop in and 
try on a pair at your Red Wing 
Dealer. He'll give your feet a nice, 
warm welcome! 


These Red Wing dealers will give 
your feet a warm reception. 


ARIZONA 

MESA. Fed Wing Shoe Store, 1846 W. Broadway 
PRESCOTT. Stewarts Family Shoe 112W. Gurley 
YUMA Yuma Mesa Shoe Варві, 1665 - 4th Ava. 
CALIFORNIA 

ALANEOA. .. Red Wing Shoa Store, 1414 Park St. 
ALPINE ........ Аріга Creek Boot Shop, 1347 Tavern Rd. 
ANAHEIM ....... Red Wing Shoe Store, 941 М. Euclid Ана. 


ANTIOCH .... Red Wing Shoe Store, 2641 Somarsvile Fo. 


BAKERSFIELD Red Wing Shoe Store 
2005 Chester Ае, Downtown 
1429 Ming Ave. Across SL from Best 


Red Wing Shoe Sior 


BELLFLOWER Red Wing Shoe Store 
17838 Belitower Bh. 

BURBANK T Red Wing Shoe Store. 
21 N San Ferrando Bhd. 

CANOGA PARK . Fez Wing Shoe Store, 


` 7236 Topanga Canyon һа 
CASTRO VALLEY ... Fraziers Boot Shop. 20683 Rustic Dr 


CHULA VISTA ..... Red Wing Shoe Store, 1048 Third Ave. 
CONCORD .. Red Wing Shoe Store, Park “N” Shop Center 
CORONA. Кып Shoes, 510 Corona Mall 
сома. Red Wing Shee Store, 114 Shoppers Lane 


CULVER CITY .... Red Wing Shoe Store 10714 Wash Blvd. 
DUBLIN ..... Red Wing Shoe Store, 7056 Village Parkway 


ELCAJON .. Red Wing Shoe Store. 941 Broadway 
ELCENTRO Оаопуз Boots & Shoes, 552 Main St 
EL MONTE ....... Red Wing Shoe Store, 10645 Valley Mali 
ESCONOIOO ... D'Aoostas Shoe Store 105 E Grand Ave 
EUREKA Redwood Beotery 423 F St 
FAIRFIELO Red Wing Shoe Store, 1117 W. Texas 
FONTANA Hed Wing Shoe Store, 10042 Sierra Ave. 
FORTUNA Redwood Boetery 1066 Main SL 


FREMONT ... Red Wing Shoe Store, 40972 Fremont Blvd. 
FRESNO ... Red Wing Shoe Store, S35! North Blackstone 
Rea Wing shoe Store 

5818 E. Kings Canyon—Next lo Payless 


GLENOALE....... Red Wing Shoe Store, 1247 E Colorado 
HAYWARO Red Wing Shoe Store, 1013 "8" SL 
La maana Nenc's Shoes, 1921 W. La Habra Blvd, 
LANCASTER Lansdale Shoe, 658 W. Lancaster 
LONG BEACH Red Wing Shoe Store, 853 Pine Ave, 
LOS ANGELES .... Red Wing Shoe Sicre. 216 East 8th St. 
MERCED Red Wing Shoe Store, E37 W. Main St. 
‘MODESTO 22. Red Wing Shoe Stere, 1211 27 SL 


MONTEREY ___ Red Wing Shoe Stove, 734 Lighthoues Ave, 
MONTEREY PARK . Red Wing Shoe Store 2335 5. Сагіекі 
MT. VIEW .... Red Wing Shoe Store. 642 San Antonio Rd. 


NATIONAL CITY Gibson's, 1820 Highland Ave. 
NORTHRIDGE... +: s: +; Red Wing Shoe Store 
9157 Reseda Blvd. 

NORWALK Red Уйго Shoe Store 11864 Rosecrars 
‘OAKLAND. ...Binneweg's Boot Shop, 2519 Telegraph Ave. 
OCEANSIDE, <=... Red Wing Shoe Store 
1788-0 S. Oceanside ВМ. 

ORANGE. .- Red Wing Shoe Store, 1412E. Калеа. 
E. PASAOENA Ped wing Shoe Store 
3573 East Colorado 

PLEASANTON ~ Christesenis, 633 Main St 
POMONA Red Wing Shoe Store, 1611 indian Hil 
RANCHO CUCAMONGA fled Wing Shoe Store 


9223 “F” Archibald Ave 


REDDING .. Red Wing Shoe Store 
1416 Vibe Street Downtowr Mal 


REDWOOO CITY ... Red Wing Shoe Stove, 2327 Broadway 
RICHMONO .. Red Wing Shoe Store, 12557 San Pablo Ave. 
RIVERSIDE... . Red Wing Shoe Store, 10491 Magnolia Ave. 

Joe's Fed Wing Shoes. 5760—Ninth Street 


ROSEVILLE Richardson's, 1125 Roseville Square 


SACRAMENTO . Mr. Big & Tall. 4408 Florin Road 
Mr. Big & Tal. 1327 Jay SL— Cowrtown 

Mr. Big & Tal, 3354 Е Camino Ave 

Country Club Center 

‘SALINAS -Beck's Shoe Stora, 354 Main St 
‘SAN BERNAROINO ` Red Wing Shoa Store 


1460 E Highland Ave, 
SAN BRUNO. . Red Wing Shoe Stow, 430 San Mateo Ave. 
SANDIEGO sss Red Wing Shoe Store 
6169 Ciasremont Dvd 

анъ Red Wing, 5229 El Cajon Blvd 

ЗАМ FERNANDO. .... Red Wing Shoe Store, 1019 Truman 
SAN JOSE... нев Wing Shoe Store, BB Almaden 
Red Wing Shoe Store. 3687 Union Ave 

Red Wing Shoe Store, 650 Blessom Hit 
Red Wing Shoe Stere, 3074 Landess Ave. 
Red Wing Shoe Store, 1600 Saratoga Ave. 
Red Wing Shoe Store 

1375E. Vh Street 


БАН МАТЕО... Red Wing Shoe Sicre, 179 West 25th Ave. 


SAN LEANDRO 


БАН RAFAEL Red Wing Shoe Store, 703 áin Street 
SANTA BARBARA... Red Wing Shce Store, 3018 Stata St 
SANTA CRUZ Harris Bros, 1212 Pacific Ave. 


SANTA MARIA... Red Wing Sheo Store.1523 S Broadway 
SANTA ROSA... Red Wing Shoe Sicre, 2200 Cleveland Av. 
SONOMA ............. Eraldis Mens Store, 475 1st St W. 


STOCKTON ..... Red Wing Shoe Siore.237 E. Miner Ave. 
Red Wing Shoe Store, 5940 B Pacifi Ave 


SUNNYVALE, .... Red Wing Shoe Sore, 775 E El Camino 


‘THOUSAND OAKS Red Wing Shoe Store 

235 N Moorpark 
TORRANCE Red Wing Shea Storo. 1420 Marealine 
VALLEJO... ... Red Wing Shoe Store, 3630 Sonoma Blvd. 


VAN NUYS ... Red Wing Shoe Store, 6352 Van Nuys Blvd. 
VISALIA... Red Wing Shoe Store, 3320 A So. Mooney Ве. 
WATSONVILLE Van's Shoe Store, 14 Е Lake SL 
WESTCHESTER Red Wing Shoe Store 

8736 5 Seputevade Вис 
AT Rea wing Shoe store 

13104 E. Philadelphia St 


NEVADA 
CARSON CITY Red Wing Shoe Store, 
Warehouse Market Genter, 1078 Hiway SO Ë 
ELKO Eiko Shoe Shon 592 Commercial 
RENO... Red Wing Shoe Store. 
347 East Plumb Lane, Shoppers Square Annex 
SPARKS. Red Wing Shoe Sie 
2219 Oddie Blvd, K Mari Center 
OREGON 
ALOHA - Red Wing Shoe Store 
18045 SW. Tualatin Hwy. 
coos BAY .-.. Jennies Fashion Shoe Store 
262 Central, P'O Бо» 479 
MEDFORO ..... Norris Shoe Co. 221 Е Main 
Red Wing Shoe Store, 1110 Biddle Road 
MILTON-FREEWATER, Saager's Shoe Shop 
613 North Main Street 
MILWAUKIE ‚ Red Wing Shoe Store 
68 SE McLougniin Blvd 
ONTARIO Hudson's Shoes West Park Plaza 
PORTLAND ..... Red Wing Shoe Store, 12130 SE Division. 
ROSEBURG Howards Men's Wes 


S07 SÊ Jackson Str 
The Shoe Tree. 426 SE. Jackson. 

SALEM Les Newraris. 179 N Commercial 
Shoe Bor, 145 NE. Liberty 


UTAH 

OREM .............. Fed Wing Shoe Slore, 62 W. Center 

PAROWAN DE Рагомап Tiadirg Center 

SALT LAKE CITY Red Wing Shoe Store. 
4371 South State 


Red Wirg Shoe Store, 2109 So. 1100 East (Sugarhcuse| 
Vaughn Johnson Shces, 135 F ard So, 


WEST VALLEY .... Red Wing Shoe Store, 3670 W. 3500 So 


If you've been wrestling with а 
decision whether to buy a high tech 
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canrelax. Casio, the world leader in 
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Our selection of women's 
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3) 803-3411 


PLAYBOY GUIDE 


WHY I WEAR WHAT I WEAR 


four celebrity noncomformists talk about their personal styles 


LYLE ALZADO 


“One thing Pll never do when it comes 
to clothes,” says the secretary of defense 
for the world-champion Los Angeles Raid- 
ers, “is wear something just because it’s 
‘in. I'ma confident man. I think I can be 
trusted to put my own clothes together. 
When Г wear my tuxedo shirt with my 
jeans, for example, it looks terrific. And, 
most important, it’s my own personal 
statement. 

“What I'm really drawn to in cloth 
though, is comfort —езресіаПу now, living 
in Los Angeles, which is a real casual 
town. So mostly ГИ wear jeans with cow. 
boy boots or Italian-made boots and 
blousy, easy-styled shirts. Giorgio Armani 
makes some beautiful casual shirts. I have 


t 


some of these. I also like these new pants, 
which I bought at Chanin’s in Westwood. 
They've got baggy pockets in the front and 
buttons down the back, and they're loose 
and comfortable. 

“Of course, 1 often have to go to colder 
climates during the football season, so I'm 
always ready for that, too. I love Calvin 
Klein's corduroy pants. They look good 
and they keep me warm. And I do have a 
full-length mink coat. 1 saw it in a store 
and liked it so much that I swapped the 
coyote jacket 1 was wearing for it. They 
did make me throw some cash into the 
deal, but no future draft picks. 1 walked 
right out of the store with that coat on. To 
this day, it’s still my favorite. I don’t think 
I could go on the road without it. And to 
be certain 1 can't possibly get cold, 1 also 
make sure I've got a nice lady with me.” 


HOWIE MANDEL 


“I think my sense of style emerged when 
I was about 14 or 15,” says the co-star of 
NBC-TV's St. Elsewhere. “Га go to all the 
Army-surplus stores and buy their more 
interesting stuff, like marching-band uni- 
forms with fringes and badges and epau- 
lets. And I always loved bright colors, 
especially red. The only problem was that 
I'm color-blind, so brown looked red, 
green looked red, everything looked red 
And pretty soon, people were coming up to 
me and asking very seriously, ‘Why are 
you wearing those colors together?” But 1 
thought that was great. I loved the atten- 
tion. So I stuck with the look instead оГ 
correcting it. 

“I still dress like that. I don't own any 
conventional clothes—no suits, no tuxe- 
dos, no plain jeans, no tweeds. I just figure 
I'm different, so my clothes should be dif- 
ferent. I want my clothes to make me 
giggle when I walk past the mirror. If I 
had to describe it, I'd say I probably dress 
like a clown. 

“My favorite outfit now is something 1 
wore on The Tonight Show: red parachute 
pants, 2 black-nylon bomber jacket, a 
wing-collar shirt with a red bow tie and 
silver Nikes. I think Doc Severinsen really 
liked it.” 


172 


PLAYBOY GUIDE 


TOM HANKS 


“When it comes to clothes,” says the 
star of Splash, “I don't get real carried 
away. | don't particularly like dressing up, 
though sometimes I have to—for meetings 
ог talk-show appearances. That's when 
the wardrobe department comes in handy 
What I dois the clothes Гус kept from 
movie or TV roles. They're one of the bet- 
ter perks 

“What I really like, though, are jive 
clothes. Levi's 501s, for example, are the 
best. I wear them all the time. The fit and 
the case and the comfort—you just can't 
beat it. And with them, ГИ wear T-shirts 
or cotton long-sleeved shirts. They have to 
be cotton, though —no synthetics. My real 
favorites now are Japanese bascball jer- 
seys. 


hey're not easy to find, but they're 
well worth the trouble. 

“I used to love wearing plaid-flannel 
shirts, but I can't anymore. Every homo- 
sexual in New York started to wear them, 
and it got to be too much. I had to stop. 
Some people thought I was strange 
enough as it was after what I wore on 
Bosom Buddies. 

“What I will wear, though, especially in 
fall and winter, is the stuff I get from Army 
and Navy stores. 1 have two peacoats I 
wear all the time—one from the Navy and 
опе from the Goast Guard. The color and 
fabric are great, and the quality is terrific 


Then Гуе got some British-army sweat 
ers— beautifully made stuff. I even have a 
complete Briti: 
sharp but a little too heavy to wear when 
you live in L.A 

“And then there are the vintage Navy 
bell bottoms—the ones with the 13 but- 
tons and the ties in the back. They're fabu- 
lous. They just don’t make them like that 
anymore.” 


PHIL COLLINS 


“Because I work so much at my music,” 
says the Genesis kad vocalist-cum-hot 
rocker, “I have to wear things that are 
comfortable. Anything that's too nice gets 
messed up: You eat a sandwich, it falls on 
your trousers—that sort of thing. So I tend 
to dress casually. But no jeans. T may be 
the only person in the world who doesn’t 
own any. I usually wear green Army para- 
chute pants. They're called Sting pants 
now. Ever since he started wearing them 
with The Police, everybody ran out to buy 
some. They're indestructible and have lots 
of pockets to stick things in 

“I buy a lot of my clothes while we're on 


-army uniform. ICs really 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY BRUCE AYRES 


tour. In cities like Chicago and Toronto, 1 
spend a lot of my spa 
buy lots of simple sport shirts—nothing 
fancy, just cotton short-sleeved ones that I 
an keep on the assembly line. You know, 
wash them and put them back on 
“Lately, though, Гуе gotten some fan- 
cier things. Eric Clapton put me on to 
them, Нез an old mate of mine and we 
recently worked together. He has smart- 
ened up his act a lot stylewise, so now the 
two of us can go shopping together. We 
went to Giorgio Armani together and 1 got 
some shirts and trousers and this sharp, 
lightweight suit. It’s so fashionable. You 
put it on and it creases straightaway. The 


re time shopping. 1 


mum would have а fit. She always taught 
me to keep my clothes pressed, and now 
I'm walking around in these wrinkled 
trousers 

“I think fashion is great fun. When Егіс 
and 1 were in the studio together, we had a 
‘smart day,” when we both got all dressed 
up, and a ‘baggy day,’ for wearing all of 
our baggy clothes, and then a ‘casual day," 
for dressing the way I usually dress. It 
really kept things interesting, got us іп 
good moods and maybe even made the 
music better.” 


Burnt Sugar. Burnt Charcoal. 
Burnt Cherry. 

Deep, sizzling colors with 
dark, rich undertones. 

It takes hours of staining, 
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achieve this exclusive Frye 
look on leather. 

Imagine how good it will 
look on you. 


Pp 
PLAYBOY GUIDE 


SURE SHOTS 


accessories that leave httlto changes | 


To add polish to any fashion statement, here are some finishing 
touches that give you the winning edge. On the table: Stainless- 
steel moon-phase watch, by Seiko, $350; ruby Cartier must 
pen, $210; blue pen, by Mark Cross, $42; Karabu notebook, by 
Polo Leathergoods, $140; tortoise-shell glasses, from Polo by 
Relph Lauren, $75; cowhide braces, by Bernardo, $35; silk 
pocket square, by Imperial, $11; calfskin envelope with brown 
trim, by Mark Cross, $250; tan-ostrich desk agenda, by Hermès, 
$745; fedora, from Worth & Worth, $65; 22-kt.-gold-plated sun- 
glasses, by Cartier, $275. On the board: Brown-ostrich pocket 


secretary, by Polo Leathergoods, $345; shoehorn, $20, and 
brown-wool socks, $12.50, by George Graham Galleries; croco- 
dile loafers, by Cole Hoon, $450; snakeskin belts, by Roberto 
Bavido, $60 eoch; orange/green-wool socks, by Laura Pearson, 


$15; tasseled loafers, by Walter Steiger, $190; tan wing-tip 
shoes, by Arfango, $175; wine deer-leather gloves, by Hermès, 
$110; gold-leather gloves, by Elmer Little, $45; wooden box, by 
George Graham, $85; address book, $60, and ten-kt.-gold- 
filled fountain pen, $80, by Mark Cross; column lighter, by J. Р. 
Graytok, $22.50; calendar watch, by Ixiz, $230; beneath it, 
gold-plated watch, by Hermès, $595; lapis Gemline lighter, 
from Alfred Dunhill of london, $340; button cuff links, by Jean 
Casanove, $75; malachite cuff links, from Dunhill, $95; 14-kt.- 
gold money clip, by Cartier, $325; ostrich key case, by Hermès, 
$195; Burgundy lighter, by Cartier, $350; lizard cigarette case, 
from Dunhill, $110; hand-woven cotton/rayon/silk scarf, by 
Ron Splude, $140; gold-wool scarf, by Day of the Unicorn, 
$12; plaid-cashmere scarf, by Ermenegildo Zegna, $95. 


Suddenly, every exercise bench you've ever 
seen just became obsolete. 


Introducing the Pro MX®. 


With bench and military press workouts done 


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Na behind your neck. Or at your 


With a four-way adjust- >. 
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With three width and two 
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mentiona 

EN YOU FINALLY 
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PLAYBOY GUIDE 


FLASH 


HOW TO FOLD 
A POCKET SQUARE 


For a touch of class, try add- 
ing a pocket square. The four- 
point fold is our choice for this 
season's look. Here's how to get 
it righ 

1. Fold the square on the 


diagonal to form 
triangle. 

2. Place 
triangle over the top points. 
Repeat with the other side 

4. Fold the bottom half of the 
fabric under the top half and 
place inside your pocket, ar- 
ranging the points. The fabric 
should stick out only one to one 
and a half inches. 


an imperfect 


one side of the 


HERE’S AN 
OFF-THE-WALL ITEM 


Art is where you hind и. New 
York designer Willi Smith 
found a guy named Zephyr in 
an LR.T. number-one local 
subway car with a can of spray 
paint in his hand. Smith signed 
Zephyr and a small stable of 


other inventive artists to create 
the latest їп wearable art— 
designer T-shirts. They sell for 
$25 at a trendy store near you. 
Smith says he signed Zephyr 
because he knew how to turn 
a subway car into "a lively, 


moving fresco.” The cops who 
used to chase him weren't so 
ebullient. 


A HANDFUL OF HISTORY 


Quick, who wore the first glove? If you said Honus Wagner, 
you're in the wrong section. The earliest gloves on record (this was 
before cassettes) were worn by the cave dwellers for protection and 
warmth. They looked much like bags back then. It was the ancient 
Egyptians who gave gloves the fingers. The modern glove is traced 
most directly to [1th Century England. After the Norman Con- 
quest, richly jeweled and ornamented gloves were worn by royalty 
as a badge of distinction. Which brings us to Michael Jackson. 

Until the 12th Century, gloves were worn only by men—and 
aristocratic men at that. Gloves became a meaningful symbol 
They were gauntlets to be flung at the fect of an adversary, chal- 
lenging him to defend his honor and integrity in a duel. Sometime 
during the 12th Century, women started to wear gloves, and then 
somebody invented Isotoners, and then it was all оу 


y 


PLAYBOY GUIDE 


DOS AND DON’TS 


pa, Here’s а new feature for you. It’s what happens when you com- 


р bine a Playboy Fi 


people m 
very few—doing things right 


| those of you who live 
Somewhere, sometime. 
walk up to you and say. 


Don't wear your collar outside 
your suit coot unless youre ot а 
disco or о remember-1968 bash. 


Don't wear old wide ties 
especiolly in Chicago. One good 
gust ond this guy's in the loke. 

Do weor a collar ріп for on extra 


dash of class. 


WHAT THE WORLD'S 
BEEN WAITING FOR 


From Everlast. Leather box- 
ing trunks. Eighty bucks. Е 
last also makes leather warm-up 
pants and a leather sweat shirt 
No mas, по mas. 


FINALLY, YOU CAN 
ENJOY GHETTO FASHION 
IN THE COMFORT OF 
THE SUBURBS 


Look, we went along with the 
specialty-shoe business to a 
point. Tennis shoes replaced 
sneakers. "Then 
quetball shoes and aerobics 
shoes. And now, just when you 
thought it was safe to lace up 
your Keds again, here come 
break-dancing shoes. These 
high-top babies are from Vans, 
P.O. Box 729, Anaheim, Cali- 
fornia 92805. They cost $45 
and are specially designed with 
a flat, smooth sole for moon 
walking and a higher rise for 
ankle support during those crit- 
ical poppin’ moves. For those 
who want to play it a bit more 
conservatively, Nike now offers 
an active shoe with pinstripes— 
perfect for making those end 
runs in the board room. 


came rac- 


g real fashion mistake 
To inaugurate this hi 
tigative reporting, we took our hidden cameras to Chic 
Isewhere are safe this time, But be careful 
еп you least expect it, someone may 
Hey, your pants are too long.” 


ıshion Guide with Candid Camera. You catch real 


And you find a few people— 


vy inves. 
go. So 


Don't your ponts this 
short. Is o look that works only in 
Johnstown during the rainy season. 

Don't weer running shoes with 
а business look, по matter how 
casuol. 


wear 


i 


Don't wear your tie this short. № 
should come down to your belt 
line. Practice this if you must. 


4 


Do wear a brighter, more daring 
tie with а very conservative suit. 
The added splash cf color shows 
individuality. 

Don't wear ponts tucked into 
boots. Ever. 


ко! 
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And DresSports come in several styles and 
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Try on a pair of DresSports, 
You'll see that when we dress RocSpprts up, 
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PLAYBOY 


180 


FROZEN FOOD .............о) 


“ Unless you really appreciate good food, how can you 
consider yourself a sensuous person?’ ” 


instant. We drank instant hot chocolate. 
We ate instant mashed potatoes. We were 
the first on our block to drink Carnation 
Instant Breakfast every morning, starting 
the moment my mother saw the TV com- 
mercial that claimed that one glass of 
Instant Breakfast contained the same 
amount of protein as an egg and two strips 
of bacon. 

Being ahead of her time and not in the 
least apologetic about her kitchen phobia, 
my mother found herself castigated. Amer 
ica in general and my grandmothers 
particular frowned at her disdain for cook- 
ing. “She actually feeds you Instant 
Breakfast in the morning?" one grand- 
mother asked accusingly. 

“And toas," I added quickly. My 
mother is a sensitive woman. I didn't want 
to sec her suffer too much. 

In a sense, Гуе come to understand her 
suffering. Her cause has become my cause. 
By comparison, Гуе had it easy, of course, 
since the world never seems so disapprov- 
ing of men who can’t cook, and technology 
has taken us light-years beyond that ane- 
mic boil-in-the-pouch turkey meal my 
mother bought. But the path to this vic- 
tory is littered with bodies just like my 
mother's. 

You see, I like frozen food. In fact, 1 love 
it. Not only that but ! am convinced that 
Stouller's is far and away the most impor- 
tant, forward-thinking, thoroughly mod- 
ет company in Amcrica today. You can 
say what you will about personal comput- 
ers, cellular telephones, automatic-teller 
machines and music videos, but when 
we're talking about Stoufler's, we're talk- 
ing about progress, a kind of progress so 
influential and beneficial that Gary Hart 
might have won if he had dropped the 
timeworn image of Atari Democrat and 
become a Stouffer's one instead. 

What is it that Stouffer's has done? By 
perfecting the frozen meal, it has liberated 
all of us who can’t or don’t want to cook 
from a lifetime of cheesy coffee shops and 
lousy TV dinners. Single people, senior 
citizens, working couples, single parents, 
tired parents, just plain lazy people can 


now enjoy a dinner of beuter-than-average 
lasagna without even owning proper 
kitchen utensils 


What's even better is that Stouffer's has 
started a trend. There’s Le Menu, Dinner 
Classics from Armour, Green Giant 
Entrees and Stouffer's own little sister, 
Lean Cuisine. Edible instant meals are no 
longer a novelty, they're an industry. This 
development is so significant that if 


mother were raising a family today, she'd 
be a happy woman. Unless you know my 
mother, you have no idea what a bold 
statement that is. 

. 

You're probably snickering right now. А 
lot of my friends snicker when 1 talk about 
frozen food. I am cursed with friends who 
cither like to cook (cook seriously, that is, 
making tbings from scratch, using frcsh 
vegetables, whipping up souffiés, serving it 
all on rcal china) or know the good restau- 
rants (where they order cartoon animals, 
like ducks and bunnies, wax ecstatic about 
such things as anchovy butter and shiitake 
mushrooms and spend hours with the wine 
list). 1 even know a very nice couple who 
work so bard during the day that they 
barely have the energy to pour themselves 
а cold cereal each for dinner. And even 
they make fun of me for liking frozen food 

“You have absolutely по soul,” one 
friend told me 

Another demanded, “Unless you really 
appreciate good food, how can you con- 
sider yourself a sensuous person?" Often, 
Гуе discovered that people who say these 
things to me have either spare tires suit- 
able for a Checker cab or thighs the size of 
pier pilings, neither of which strikes me as 
sensuous. 

Still, with gourmets running amuck, I 
realize Гуе taken the minority position. 
“You know,” another friend said of my 
favorite foods, “they're really nothing 
more than TV dinners." Even respectable 
newspapers echo that charge. The Wash- 
ington Post called Stoutler’s Lean Cu 
and products like it “the НВО of TV 
dinners.” 

I find it difficult to believe that any of 
these people have actually eaten a TV d 
ner lately. R. Gordon McGovern, the pres- 
ident of the Campbell Soup Company, 
which owns Swanson TV dinners, told 
reporters last year that some of his prod- 
ucts were “junk food.” I'm no masochist 
when it comes to frozen dinners, but com- 
paring Swanson to Stouffer's is like com- 
paring a Plymouth Champ to the Concorde. 
ТҮ dinners are generally so bad that even 
my mother wouldn't serve them. 

My love for Stouffer's goes beyond taste 
and convenience. It’s become a matter of 


trust. Like many other (otally urbanized 
people, I'm far more comfortable eating a 
meal that has been supervised by experts 
than one prepared by amateurs. One of 


my co-workers, Leigh, is a nice enough 
person, but she has a few Sixties-style 
quirks that I had hoped had dicd with love 


beads, bell bottoms and Lee Michaels 
albums. She lives in rustic splendor deep 
in Topanga Canyon—an enclave for both 
unreconstructed hippies and Manson-type 
mass murderers—where she raises chick- 
ens. Her chickens, she claims, lay eggs. 
Leigh talks about her chickens and their 
eggs around the office. Even worse, she 
once brought me halfa dozen free samples. 

“These are your Easter present,” she 
told me, putting six home-grown white 
things on my desk. “My hens laid them 
this morning.” 

I began to feel faint. “Certainly there's 
someone here in the building more deserv- 
ing,” I countered, mopping beads of sweat 
from my forehead. “You know, someone 
who appreciates those subtleties of the 
organic lifestyle.” 

“No,” she said sternly (Leigh is never 
more stern than when talking about her 
eggs). “You eat shit all the time. You vir- 
tually live on frozen food and chili dogs. 1 
want you to taste how good something 
truly fresh can be.” 

“How do I know your chickens aren't 
sick?" 1 asked. Those fresh eggs were gi 
ing off the sickliest vibes ГА ever felt. 

“What do you mean, sick? I take great 
care of my birds. I love them." Hell hath 
no fury like an organic nutritionist 
scorned. “Таке these home,” she ordered. 
rack one open and crack open one of 
your store-bought eggs. Look at the color 
of the yolks. If that doesn’t convince you, 
nothing will." 

I thought it would only make matters 
worse to mention that I didn't have any 
eggs at home. I had some Scramblers, a 
frozen egg substitute, in the freezer, but 1 
didn't think that was the comparison she 
had in mind. 

"Leigh, there are certain things you do 
well and that 1 trust you on implicitly. 
Office gossip, for onc. You're never wrong, 
and Г admire and respect you for that, But 
chickens and eggs are part of the world of 
science. You don't have a veterinarian at 


your house. You wouldn't know if your 
hens had some exotic and fatal disease 
with hardly any symptoms. The eggs I buy 
at the store have been supervised Бу 
experts with years of training and a lot at 
stake. If they slip up and send out onc 
batch of discased cggs, 
them. Safeway will blackball them; thou 
mds of customers will file a class-action 
lawsuit; they'll be ruined. They have thou- 
sands of chickens; you have only a few. If 
one of theirs looks the least question- 
able, they just throw it into the chicken 
shredder and forget about it. You give 
yours names and talk to them. I know you 
like some of them better than you do me.” 
She didn't dispute that last point, but. 
she did parry with a bunch of clichés about 
professional egg ranches. "They pump 


"s curtains for 


за 


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their birds full of hormones. Is that what 
you want? They pack them in like sardines 
so that they can barely move. And you 
should see what they feed them.” Her face 
as red. 

“You're too cynical,” I said. “Those egg 
people know what they're doing. We all 
need a few hormones now and then; and as 
for overcrowding, no one is squeezed in 
any tighter than the Japanese, and they're 
doing fine." 1 was fighting а lost cause. I 
knew I would have to take the eggs home. 
I knew I would crack one open. I knew it 
would turn my stomach. 

“OK, ГИ put these in the refrigerator 
until I go home,” I said, relenting. 

“You don’t have to refrigerate them,” 
she said. "They're fresh. Just leave them 
here in your office." My knees felt weak. 1 
even refrigerate unopened canned goods. 

“Whatever you say,” I said. 

Call it fate, call it luck; somehow, those 
eggs never made it home with me. 

. 

1 am even more 1еегу of mcat and vege- 
tables than I am of eggs. Eggs come in 
their own package, which makes me feel 
slightly more secure, but vegetables grow 
in the dirt, which I distinctly remember 
from my childhood as being an 
unappctizing subject. Worse yet, meat 
comes from animals, 1 saw а cow once, 
and it had flics around it. Flies don’t do 
much for my appetite, either. 

I figure that if you grow your own vege- 
tables and eat them, there is no one to save 
you from some mysterious fungus that 
they might pick up from the dirt. If you 
buy fresh produce from a store, you're а 
little better off. At least a couple of trained 
eyes have looked at it. But if you get a total 
meal from Stoulfer's or the Green Giant or 
Le Menu, you're getting food that has 
been carefully scrutinized by people with 
advanced degrees and handled according 
to the latest scientific tech 

Despite the fact that frozen foods аге 
obviously the best, safest, least diseased, 
cleanest, most closely examined foods you 
can buy, people seem locked into a heap- 
ing amount of distrust, as if something ter- 
rible were going on behind those closed 


1984 Gold Secl Rubber Co. 


ues. 


factory gates. | decided that perhaps it was 
something [ should check out personally 

When you start researching the frozen- 
food game, certain storics pop up again 
and again. How Clarence Birdscyc, on a 
U.S. Geological Service expedition to Lab- 
rador, discovered that fish and caribou 
meat frozen by the severe Arctic chill 
tasted perfectly normal when thawed and 
cooked months later. And how Mahala 
Stoufler's lunches at her family’s restau- 
rant were so popular as take-out items that 
her sons Vernon and Gordon experi- 
mented with freezing them so that they 
could be caten weeks later. 

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hear about a company named Kold Kist. 
Kold Kist was founded in 1937 by the 
Jarvis brothers, Edwin, a salesman, and 
Hy, a refrigeration expert. The meals were 
concocted by a New York chef and sold by 
Edwin door to door from the insulated 
trunk of his Packard. Instant meals—in 
this case, at least—meant instant failure. 
A few years later, Edwin hired his wife, 
Virginia, to prepare some home-style 
cooking and persuaded a few grocers to let 
him sell his wares out of the ice-cream 
freezer—the only freezer any market had 
at the time. The company has been hum- 
ming along ever since and is now owned 
by Edwin and Virginia’s daughter Merrie 
Ann. 

Even though Kold Kist is a speck in 
Stouffer’s shadow, doing about $5,500,000 
a year while Stouffer's does more than 
$300,000,000 on Lean Cuisine alone, 1 
decided to make a pilgrimage there. 
Besides, I had been eating Kold Kist sir- 
loin tips in mushroom sauce for as long as 
I could remember, and everyone who 
really cares about such things knows that 
Kold Kist, under the brand name of 
Jimi's, was the first to perfect the frozen 
burrito. 

Merrie Ann, obviously moved both by 
my dedication to her sirloin tips and by my 
tales of my childhood (“You tell your 
mother that I love her. You hear me? She's 
my type of woman”), volunteered to lead 
me on a tour of the plant. She even picked 
the day when they were making siivin 
tips. "You know,” she said, giving me a 
paper hat in case we ran into the resident 
Federal inspector, “this may cure you of 
your love for frozen food." 

Our first stop was the meat locker, 
which І had feared would lock like an 
animal-carnage scene out of Conan the 
Barbarian. Fortunately for me, the meat 


id, cinder-block-sized chunks of red meat 
(with just the right amount—or so they 
say—of fat and other stuff). А predeter- 


ed mixture of this is thrown into a big 
grinder, then cubed, seasoned and cooked, 
ending up as the sirloin tips I’ve come to 
know and love. It waits around in large 
stainless-steel vats, looking, to tell you the 
truth, like gigantic bowls of dog food 
However, the smell is terrific. Even better 
are the vats of mushroom sauce, simmer- 


ing away while long metal blades slowly 
stir the mixture 

Machines transport a measured amount 
of sirloin tips to the assembly line and 
dump them into a boil-in-the-pouch bag, 
which then slides down the line for a 
healthy shot of mushroom sauce. At its 
next stop, the bag is sealed, then boxed 
and carted over to the blast freezer. 

The cntirc process—from raw meat to 
cooking to assembly line—involves space- 
age-looking equipment and lots of self- 
assured people wearing hospital whites 


and gloves. It made me feel confident. 

I tried to stall in the cooking room by 
asking questions. Actually, I just liked the 
smell. Instead of being turned off, 1 was 
ravenously hungry from seeing my favorite 
sirloin tips go from cradle to bag. I was 
about to ask for a sample fresh from the 
vat when I was ushered into the blast 
freezer. 

‘There are several ways of freezing food, 
Merrie Ann told me, but the important 
thing is that it be done fast. Sometimes 
chemicals are used, but not at Kold Kist. 
Here it’s just the good old-fashioned cold 
that Clarence Birdseye felt in Lab- 
rador—a big room that's 35 degrees below 
zero, with the air whipping around like a 
Chicago wind. Package after package of 
sirloin tips sat nobly on racks. 

"Other companies use preservatives, 
but we don’t,” Merrie Ann mentioned as 
my teeth started to chatter. “Freezing is 
what preserves the food.” 

As Merrie Ann and I made our way to 
the storage freezer (where the temperature 
is kept at zero degrees, the perfect temper- 
ature for storing frozen food anywhere at 
any time), I realized that no one had asked 
me to put on my paper hat. Where was the 
Federal inspector in charge of keeping my 
hair from falling into someone's boil-in- 
the-pouch sauce? 

Merrie Ann wasn’t sure. She explained 
that Kold Kist, like all feod-processing 
companies, has its very own full-time resi- 
dent Federal inspector. A new one is 
ned every six months, partially to 
keep a company from bribing him and also 
because each inspector has his own special 
interest—sanitation, for example, or 
weights and measures. After a few inspec- 
tors, each company has been pretty well 
covered. І make а mental note to mention 
this to Leigh back at the office. How many 
Federal inspectors have seen her chickens 
lately? 


. 

When I got married, several years back, 
my friends thought the more civilizing 
aspects of marriage would take me out of 
my frozen-food phase and put me on the 
restaurant circuit, where I belonged. They 
didn't know my wife, Gail 

‘The one time, while we were dating, 
that she attempted to cook me a meal was 
not under the best of circumstances. It 
happened the week | lost my job, my 
psychotherapist disappeared to undergo 
triple-bypass surgery, my dog was 
attacked by a coyote and T totaled mi 


car. 


I called Gail from the scene of the car acci 
dent, and she dutifully came to get me, 
taking me to a local emergency room for X 
rays and pain pills and then back to her 
parents! house, where she was then living. 
She cooked me some chicken, but 1, dis- 
tracted by ту misfortune, had only 
enough energy to pick at it. As I was part 


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way through one chicken breast, Gail's 
mother came home, took one look at my 
plate and My God, 
feeding him raw chicken!” She grabbed 


n off to the kitchen to 


you're 


shrieked, 


the food aw 


гесе 
y aid. “I was worried 
about your accident." She was, too. 
Despite my misery and pain, I had a fleet- 
ing thought: How many meals have been 
ruined by a cook whose mind was legiti- 
mately elsewhere? Т thought of the staff at 
Stouffer's, who were probably so dedicated 
10 their jobs, like doctors or the people who 
run nuclear power plants, that their per- 
sonal lives would never interfere with their 
work. [t seemed that in our moment of 
stress, 1 would have been better served if 
Gail had popped a Stouller's into the oven. 
‘Thank God, I had my pain pills. 

As Gail and I got to know cach oth 
better, conventional cating paled when 
compared with the wonders of frozen food 
A friend at one point described us as a per- 
fect couple: “She doesn't enjoy cooking 
and he doesn't enjoy cating.” But that 
wasn't entirely accurate. I liked to eat fro- 
zen food. Gail liked to cook it 

In fact, Gail branched out farther than 1 
ever would have gone on my own. She 
started patronizing the local charcuteries, 
bringing home elaborate French meals— 
albeit frozen ones—for special occasions. 
Better yet, she fully understands and can 
cognize dreaded freezer burn. 1 haven t 
even fully grasped the concept. yet, and 
God knows how many tainted meals I ate 
before she was there to save me. 

‘Those same triends who were sure that 
marriage would tame my tasie in food 
were positive that what marriage couldn't 
accomplish, the arrival of my son, 
Nicholas, certainly would. 

“What are you going to do, Randall, 
put Stoullci's nder for 
asked my friend Susan 
was moderate compared with others’. 
Man 


parents, iros 


a bl holas?" 


s reaction 


them 


people—almost all of 


ally—redirected their 


Stouller's to Сењ 


"Don't you know there's corn syrup in 
baby food?" demanded Juli 


accusingly. 


Yes, corn syrup, the deadliest substance 
this side of dioxin. Entire towns in lowa 
have been quarantined by the Govern- 
ment for detoxification. 

1 haven't had the nerve to mention it to 
any of my friends, but Nicholas has alter- 


nated successfully between real food and 
Gerber (with a decided preference for 
Gerber), and now, as he approaches his 
first birthday, he has а complete menu 
that includes not only home cooking and 
baby food but—please don’t call the social 
workers just yet—a handtul of his very 
own frozen favorites as well. Не seems 
unusually fond, for instance, of Sioufler's 
spinach soulfié, and this is а kid who has 


an inherited hatred of all green vegetables 
that goes back four generations. He also 
cats a lot of Morton macaroni and cheese. 
I think Nick is taking the low road here, to 
be perfectly honest. I've always found the 
more expensive Stoulfer's to taste better, 
but Nick has an even more pedestrian pal- 
ate than Т do. As soon as he learns to talk, 
I intend to argue him out of Morton and 
into the good stuff. 

The Me Stoulfer's disagreement 
notwithstanding, it's nice to think that you 
can share something like this with your 
him bites of a cheese soufllé 


ton. 


E 


n, giving 
straight from the aluminum tray, slipping 
him a little bi 


of broccoli and cream 


sauce. Apparently, if you watch enough 
ТУ, you'll realize Г 
Aunt Jemima, maker of frozen wallles and 
frozen French wast, has adopted an ad 
campaign that Te 
а ир-оЙ from Kramer vs. Kramer, and it 
shows a harried dad trying to make a 
wallle—a real waflle—for his son while his 
wile is away. He spills the batter on his 
suit, burns the wallle and generally does 
all the inept fatherly things while his savvy 
son secretly pops an Aunt Jemima frozen 
wallle into the toaster 

As it happens, Im a fairly regular user 
of Aunt Jemima products myself. Гиз par- 
tial to the French toast, which has as its 


not alone on this. 


directions, “Place Aunt Jemima French 


relate to. It's a bit of 


the toaster; heat until it pops up. И 
it is not quite hot, toast a little longer.” 
Life should be simple, especially before 
noon. 

Aunt Jemima even exploits the father- 
son theme on the box, which shows a pic- 
ture of a happy dad. in his tie and vest, 
digging into his stack of French toast next 
to his son, in a rugby shirt, attacking his 
fresh-from-the-toaster bre Ies 
touching, in а sappy sort of way, and for a 
company so obvi 
the new food technology, it includes a 
heart-tugging tribute to basic family val- 
ues. The caption says, JUST LIKE MOMMY 
MAKES. 


ly in the forefront of 


Em lool 


g forward to re-enacting that 
scene with Nicholas when he gets older. 
We'll sit around the glow of a warm toast- 


er, or maybe а humming microwave, and 
Г tell him about the bad old days when 
all 1 had to cat was a glass of Instant 
Breakfast and toast. Or how primitive the 
early boil-in-the-pouch turkey was. Then, 
when the waflle or the French toast pops 
up, we'll grab the syrup and settle in for 
akfast. 
Is it good?" ГИ ask him. 

“Sure is," hell say. “Just like Mom 
makes.” 

ОГ course, he won't be 
compliment. He'll just be sta 


ng me a 
ng a fact. 


“Your snake is very lense.” 


187 


PLAYBOY 


188 


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A GOOD STORY 


(continued from page 122) 
as though he were the doorman: “What 
place is this?” 

“лана,” he told her. 

“The high Ixi,” she said, unexpectedly. 
‘There was а faint roughness in her voice, 
not at all unpleasant. "What's an Ixi?" 

“Maybe а god.” Leon had never asked 


had draped himself with cam- 
eras. Blinking through clip-on sunglasses 
over his spectacles, he said, "Look at those 
cornices! Look at that door!” 

"Yes, Frank," she said, uninterested, 
and pointed at Leon’s beer. “That looks 
good." 

“ГИ get you one.” 

“And shade,” she said, looking around. 

“Table beside the cantina.” He pointed 
“In the shade, in the air, you can watch 
the world go Ьу.” 

“Good.” Setting off across the plaza, 
Leon beside her, the woman said, “Much 
of the world go by here?” 

“You're it, so far.” 

"Two small round white-metal tables 
leaned on the cobblestones beside the can- 
tina, furnished with teetery ice-cream- 
parlor chairs and shaded by the bulk of 
San Sebastian next door. The woman 
chose the table without a sleeping dog 
under it, while Leon went inside. The few 
customers in the dark and ill-smelling 
place stopped muttering when he walked 
in, as they always did, and sat looking at 
their thick hands or bare feet. Leon fin- 
ished his beer and bought two more. Put- 
ting his T-shirt on, he paid and carried the 
bottles outside. 

Across the way, Frank was taking pho- 
tos of cornices and doors. The woman had 
pushed her big sunglasses up on top of her 
head and was studying her face in a round 
compact mirror. She had good, level gray 
eyes, with something cool in them. Sitting 
across from her, he placed both bottles on 
the table and said, "I'm Leon.” 

“Ruth.” She put the compact away and 
looked out at the empty plaza. "Lively 
spot." 

"Come back on Sunday," Leon invited. 

"What happens Sunday? 

“Paseo.” Leon waved his arm in a great 
circle. “The boys walk around that way, 
the girls come the other way, give each 
other the eye. They come from all around 
the mountain here.” 

“The mating ritual,” she said, picking 
up the bottle. 

Leon shrugged. “It’s the m they do it. 
All the Indian boys and ” Across the 
way, Frank sat in the sunny ae taking a 
picture of a stone step. 

Ruth drank, head tipped back, throat 
sweet and vulnerable; Leon wanted to nib- 
ble on it. The thought must have showed 
on his face, because, when she lowered the 


bottle, the smile she gave him was know- 
ing but distanced. “You're no Indian," she 
said 

“Tm an Indian's secretary," he said 
and laughed at the joke. 

“How does that work?” 

"There's а rich man up here. Owns a lot 
of land, has everything he wants.” 

“And he lives here?” The skepticism 
was light, faintly mocking. 

“This is where his money comes from.” 

“Нева farmer, then.” 

“He sells animals.” 

“Cattle?” Confusion was making her 
irritable, on the verge of boredom. 

“No, no,” Leon said, “wild animals. 
Jaime-Ortiz sells them to 2008, circus 
animal trainers all around the world. 
Thats why he needs a secretary, some- 
body to write the letters in English, handle 
the business details.” 

She looked faintly repelled. “What kind 
of animals?” 

“All sorts. This whole range around 
here—Peru, Bolivia, Paraguay—it’s one 
of the last great wildlife areas. We've got 


puma, jaguar, all kinds of monkeys, Ha- 
mas, snakes" 

“Ugh,” she said. “What kind of 
snakes?” 


“Rattlers. Anaconda, Boa constrictor. 
We got a huge boa up in the barn now, all 
ready to go.” 

She drank beer and shivered. 
way to make a living." 
aime-Ortiz does OK,” Leon assured 
her and grinned at what he was leaving 
unsaid, 

She scemed to sense there was more to 
the story. Watching herself move the bot- 
tle around on the scarred metal top, she 
said, “And you do OK, too, I guess.” 

“Do I look like Pm complaining?” 

She glanced at him sidelong. “No,” she 
said, slow and thoughtful. “You look quite 
pleased with yourself.” 

Was she making fun? A bit defensive 
through the lightness, he said, “It’s an in- 
teresting job here. More than you know.” 

“How'd you get it? Answer a want ad?” 

Leon grinned, on surer ground. “Јаіте- 
Ortiz doesn't put any want ads. He 
doesn't want some stranger poking 
business.” 
ready knew him, then.” 

“Family connection. Somebody in the 
business at the other end.” 

“An uncle,” she said and smiled, show- 
ing all her teeth, as though he were a kid 
she didn’t have to compose her face for. 

“OK, an unde,” he said, getting really 
annoyed now. “That doesn't make me just 
a nephew.” 

Looking contrite but still smiling, she 
reached out to touch the tips of two red fin- 
gernails to the back of his hand, the nails 
htly indenting the flesh. “Don’t be 
mad, Leon,” she said. “Take а joke." 

Frank and his cameras were still across 
the plaza. Leon turned his hand, closed it 


ome 


with gentle pressure on her fingers. “I like 
he 


imal trainer.” She with- 
drew her hand. “I'd get bored, playing 
тоо.” 

“There's better stuff.” Suddenly nerv- 
ous, he gulped beer, and when he lowered 
the bottle, she was looking at him. 

Some instinct of caution made him hesi- 
tate. But the English girls had been very 
impressed. And what difference did it 
make if he talked? The strangers came and 
went, forgetting the very name of Ixialta. 
Looking away toward the mountains, he 
said, “This is also where the coca bush 
grows. All around here.” 

“Cocaine,” she said, getting it, but then 
frowned: "What about the law?" 

“Around here? You're kidding." 
jo, the States, when you smuggle 
n^ 
“That’s the beauty,” he told her, grin- 
ning. “You take your white powder, you 
see? You put it in your glassine envelopes. 
You feed your envelopes to your monkey,” 

“Monkey? But he'll digest it; he'll. a 

“No?” Leon said. “Because then you feed 
your monkey to your boa constrictor.” 

“Oh,” she said 

“There isn’t а Customs man in the 
world gonna look to see what's inside a 
monkey inside a boa constrictor.” 

“I wouldn't.” 

“The monkey has to go into the snake 
alive,” Leon said, glad to see her eyes wid- 
en. “It takes the snake seven days to digest 
the monkey but only two days to be flown 
to Wilkinson, the wild-animal dealer 
in Florida." It was such a good story that 
he laughed all over again cvery time he 
told it. "As the fella says, it's all in the 
packaging." 

“Yes,” she said, her expression suddenly 
enigmatic. She stood, turning away, call- 
ing, “Frank! Fran! 

Leon said, “Look, uh. .. .” 

“Just a minute.” She was brisk and 
businesslike, utterly different. 

Baffled, Leon got to his feet as Frank 
came trotting across the plaza, holding his 
cameras down with both hands. “Yeah?” 

Nodding at Leon, Ruth said, “He's the 
one.” 

Frank looked surprised. “You sure?” 

“He just told it to me. 
“Well, that was quick,” Frank said. His 
anner was suddenly also changed, less 
fussy, more self-assured. Не walked 
toward Leon, making a fist. Leon was so 
bewildered he didn't even duck. 

. 

Someone pulled his hair. Leon jerked, 
trying to stand, but was held down, rough 
ropes holding him to а chair. He opened 
his eyes, and Jaime-Ortiz stood in front of 
him, along with Paco and a couple of the 
other workers. They were all in the big 
barn, where the air was always cool, rich 
animal stink, the hard-packed-carth 


floor crosshatched with broom lines. 

Against the far wall, under the dim 
bulbs, stood the cages, only a few occu- 
pied. A red-furred howler monkey, big- 
shouldered and half the size of a man, sat 
with its back to everybody, the hairless tip 
of its long tail curled negligently around a 
lower bar, while next door a golden gua- 
naco pranced nervously, its delicate ears 
back and eyes rolling. Farther from the 
light, the big, skinny boa, pale brown with 
darker crossbars, its scaly head rearing up 
nearly three feet in the air, showed yellow 
underbelly as it stared through the bars 
and wire at everything that moved. 

“Jaime?” Leon tugged at the hairy 
ropes, tasting old blood in his mouth, feel- 
ing the sharp stings around his pufly lips 
“Jaime? Wha” 

“I got to be disappointed in you, Leon,” 
 Jaime-Ortiz said. He was a big, heavy man 
with a broad, round face and liquid-brown 
eyes that could look аз soulful as that 
guanaco's—or as cold as stones. “You,” 
he said, pointing a thick, stubby finger at 
Leon. “You got to be one real disappoint- 
ment to mc." He shock his head, a fatalis- 
tic man. 

“But what did I What’s- D 

“Little stories going around,” Jaime- 
Ortiz said. He waggled the fingers of both 
hands up above his head, like a man trying 
to describe birds in flight. “Somebody 
talking about our business, Leon. Yours 
trouble for you and 


and mine. Mal 


‘Jaime, please 

“АП of a sudden,” Jaime-Ortiz said, 
“these drug agents, they come to our 
friend Wilkinson, they got a paper from a 
judge.” 

"Oh, my God." Leon dosed his eyes, 
licking his sore lips. The rope was tied 
very hard and tight; he could barely feel 
his hands and feet. 

“Who would make trouble for you and 
me and Wilkinson? Leon? Who?" 

Eyes shut, Leon shook his head back 
and forth. “I'm sorry, Jaime. I'm sorry. 

"Friends in New York ask mc thi: 
Jaime-Ortiz said. “I say it's not me, it's 
not Leon, it’s not Paco. We all got too 
much to lose. They say they send some- 
body down, walk around, see who likes to 
tell stories.” 

“Jaime, ГИ never, never: 

“Oh, I know that,” Jaime-Ortiz said. 
“You can’t be around here no more, Leon. 
1 got to send you back to the States.” 

Hope stirred in Leon. He stared up at 
Jaime-Ortiz, “Jaime, 1 promise, I won't 
say a word, I'll never —” 

“That's right,” Jaime-Ortiz said. “You 
will never say а word. Not the way you're 
going back to the States.” 

Leon didn't get it until he saw Расо 
come toward him with the glassine enve- 
lope in his hand. “Open wide," Paco said. 


189 


PLAYBOY 


JACK LA LANNE «зго 


“I had to have help, because I couldn't give up my 
cakes and pies and ice cream. I was addicted.” 


Jack La Lanne way. All I 
follow my method of fitne: 
‘Think right. Exercise m 
with your new-found energy 
your own business. 


and vitali 


T. 


PLAYBOY: Is sex still good at 70? 
1A tanne: The biggest bunch of bullshit is 
that it’s not. U: or lose it, I say. I've got 
friends who are 70, 80, 90, and, Christ, 
they’re horny bastards. Three or four 
times а week is nothing to them. 


PLAYBOY: By now, you've probably seen all 
the health-and-fitness videos put out by 
such people as Jane Fonda, Richard Sim- 
mons and Debbie Reynolds. Would you 
care to offer a quick critique? 

La LANNE: They're all about the same; 
they're all jumping around. Some of it's 
good; some of it’s bad. But 90 percent of 
the exercises in those things are for your 
calves. There’s too much stretching for the 
lower back and calves while ignoring the 
rest of you. What are they doing for your 
shoulders, arms, chest, waist? Now, Гт 
going to be coming out with ten audio- 
visual tapes for home consumption. 
They'll be good ones. "They'll concentrate 
on all the problem areas. ГИ do one for 
kids, one for executives, a motivational 
tape, one on nutrition. Another thing: Гуе 
just built a television studio in my new 
home in Morro Bay. I'm going to do a syn- 
dicated show from there called Jack 
La Lanne and Friends. ГИ get celebrities 
like Bob Hope and Phyllis Diller, big 
sports celebrities, anyone who's recogniza- 
ble. ГЇЇ put people up overnight at my 
home. I have a maid who will take care of 
their food and drinks. Then we'll shoot а 
show together, a real comprehensive thing. 
ГЇЇ find out what they're having for break- 
ast, lunch and dinner, what their exercise 
habits are, their sex habits, their hobbies, 
their problems. And then ГИ give them an 
exercise for their problem areas and get 
them right there on the floor exercising 
with me. And ГИ recommend what foods 
they should eat: a real in-depth thing. 


9. 


pLavnoy: For most people, food equals 
pleasure. Yet diet programs usually leave 
you hungry, and it's difficult to stick to а 
diet when you go to a restaurant. What do 
you eat when you eat out? 

LA LANNE: Гуе never told my stomach ma 
poor man. Lots of my contemporaries go 
into a restaurant and figure they can cheat 
just this one time. What the hell, they 


don't want to bother anyone. Not me. I call 
over the chef or the тайге d’. I for the 
right food and he respects me for it. Some 
people complain about taste. They'll look 
at a squid and go, “God!” So they cat 
chicken. But chickens are some of the 
world's filthiest creatures. They eat any- 
thing. | lived on a ranch as a kid. Wh 
the sheep died, they'd get maggots. We'd 
throw the carcasses into the chicken yard, 
and within two hours they'd be down to 
the bone. The pigs would defecate and the 
chickens would cat it up! But people love 
chicken. So the chickens I eat аге organi- 
cally grown with special care. 1 know the 
source of everything I eat 


10. 


PLAYBOY: Lots of people work out during 
the week; then, on weckends, they do 
drugs, drink wine and indulge in vigorous 
selfabuse. Are they just fooling them- 
selves? Is there a wine that goes well with 
wheat germ, so to speak? 

LA LANNE: They've earned the right, It's 
just like, goddamn, if vou write a check for 
$1000 but have only $500 in the bank, 
you're bankrupt. But if you have $5000 in 
the bank, you can afford it. Who are the 
greatest dissipaters in the world? Profes- 
sional athletes. They're in such good 
shape that they can drink, they can screw, 
they can smoke. What you put into life you 
can take out. Look, you've got to have a 
little fun. We're living in a promiscuous 
society now. People want sex; they want 
drugs; they want lots of things. 1 know we 
all hear that we shouldn't smoke, 
shouldn't drink, but you've never heard 
me say that. I would rather see you dri 


of wine is great. Most restaurants hi 
good food, but the only natural food you'll 
get at the whole damn meal is wine. It's 
never been cooked, heated or had any- 
thing taken away from it. It was picked at 
maturity and nothing was added. It gives 
you a nice little cuphoria and opens the 
blood vessels. It adds extra mins and 
minerals. That's helping yourself and hav- 
ing fun at the same time. Complete 
abstainers’ life spans are shorter than 
those of people who indulge moderately. 
My next-door neighbor just died recently 
He was 102. He had two martinis for 
lunch; later a few more; wine. But he was 
active. I had а program of exercises for 
that he did ш damn near two 
months before he died. Now, I'm defi- 
nitely not into this heroin or coke or any of 
that stufl—well, maybe coke; it depends 
оп how you eat and how you exercise. And 
marijuana—nobody knows too much 


about it except that it's definitely not 
habit-forming, so it would probably be 
better for someone to have a joint once in а 
while on the weekends than to drink booze 
to excess. | mean, you wouldn't cat 100 
apples а day, would you? 


11. 


PLAYBOY: Can vitamins cure a hangover? 
LA LANNE: 1 don't know; but if you're going 
to drink a lot of alcohol, then 1 think you 
should take extra В complex, liver and 
yeast. If you smoke, you need extra vita- 
min С. Caffeine destroys Е. Candy and 
sweets destroy B complex. Air and water 
pollution destroy С. So тапу things 
destroy A, which can prevent cancer. Mar- 
ijuana and cocaine destroy vitamins C and 
Е. When you take coke, you get a lot of 
energy, but you pay for it. When you're 
taking pot into your lungs, that's smoke. 
The damn coke destroys your nasal septum, 
so [ would suggest you take an extra tahle- 
spoon of bone meal to replace the calcium. 
But basically, I think vou should treat 


your body like а Rolls-Royce. You 
wouldn't put water into the gas tank. So 
you cannot put all those ial flavor- 


ings and colorings and sugar and crap into 
your body. It’s got to take its toll. How 
many Americans got up this morning and 
had a breakfast of coffee, a doughnut and a 
cigarette? It's damn near the standard 
American diet. Most Americans аге 
arthritic, have hemorrhoids, stink, are psy- 
chotic. The men can't get hard-ons. People 
do it to themselves. Would you get your 
dog up in the morning and give him coffee, 
a doughnut and a cigarette? 


12. 


piayboy: You were once a 98-pound weak- 
ling. What changed you? 

т: 1 was the weakest-looking kid 
you ever saw. The kids at school took turns 
beating me up; even the girls. My parents 
took me out of school at 14, thinking a rest 
would ипргоуе my health. Instead, 1 was 
considering suicide. | couldn't stand the 
humiliation. I used to bang my head 
against the wall. I got blinding headaches. 
I couldn't sleep. I got failing grades and 
had an uncontrollable temper and even 
tried to kill my brother. I was a shut-in. 1 
couldn't hack it anymore. 

Then my mother heard about this nutri- 
tion lecture by Paul Bragg at the Oakland 
Women's City Club. We were late getting 
оп the stage. Bragg told 
the audience, “I don't care what your age 
or present ph: $ if you 
obey you can be born 
again." 1 went to his dressing room after- 
ward and we talked until three A about 
exercise, nutrition, white sugar and white 
flour; about how he was a vegetarian. 1 
went home that might and pray 
I had to have Веру because 1 couldn't 
give up my cakes, pies and ice cream. 1 was 
addicted. But I could also begin to envi- 
sion myself with a terrific physique, цо 
out for sports. So 1 stuck with it. I was 


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ctarian for six years. It took pride and 
о genius, but I am а 
he guys who are tough 
urvive. It was a religious experience 


13. 


What convinced you there was 
money in the physical-fitness business? 

LA LANNE: Î had been winning physique 
contests and had gotten a reputation as a 
terrific athlete but also as a nut and a 
crackpot. People would say, “See that 
muscle-bound ass?" Then, when I opened 
my first spa in Oakland, іп 1936, the arti- 
cles started appearing in the рар 
“Don't go to Jack La Lanne's. You'll кес 
muscle-bound. You'll slow down, lose your 
sex drive, get hemorrhoids, have heart 
attacks.” The women were warned that 
they'd look like men. So even though 1 was 
paying only $45 a month rent in a great 
location, | was going broke. Nobody 
would come to my place. 

I had to do something. In those days, 1 
was very shy. If I had to give a talk, Га 
freeze. But since I had this reputation as a 
strong man, 1 decided to go to all the local 
high schools wearing a tight-fitting T-shirt 
and walk up to the skinnicst kid 1 could 
find and introduce myself, despite my fear. 
Га ask the kid how he'd like to gain ahout 
40 pounds and go out for football. He'd 
say, “Sure, I'm damn sick of having every- 
опе beat me up.” So Га get his name and 
address. Then Га pick out the fattest kid, 
pull in my gut and ask if he'd like to get rid 
of all that fat. Then Га get his name and 
address, At night, Га go to those kids’ 
homes. First, Га walk around the block 
five or six times to get up the nerve; but 
finally, Га push the doorbell and the par- 
ents would ask me in. 

Usually, fathers like to refer to their sons 
as chips off the old block. “Hey, isn’t he 
terrific, Jack? Captain of the basketball 
team, straight A's and really makes out 
with the women.” But what's a father 
going to say about an emaciated kid—that 
he takes alter his mother? So if I went to 
100 homes, I'd sign up 100 kids. 

Alter а few months, you wouldn't 
believe the results. Some kids gained 40 or 
50 pounds. Then I took 111 pounds off one 
kid in eight months. He'd even been to the 
Mayo Clinic. And word got around like 
wildfire, “There’s Jack La Lanne, the 
miracle man. He's taken skinny ki 
built them up. He's taken fat kids, kids on 
dope, bums, kids who get f 


. Fm 


PLAYBOY: 


get 
when they masturbated and when they 
had cakes and pies. l'd tell them how to 
cut their hair and what clothes to wear. I'd 
make them stay in school and get good 
grades. They had pride and disciplin 
Pretty soon, I started getting phone 
calls from the fathers. “Hey, Jack, this is 
Dr. Jones. Don't tell anyone I've called, 
but my kid can do more push-ups and 
chin-ups than me. He can outrun me. 1 


feel kind of inadequate. Гуе got to keep up 
with him. Can you take me at five in the 
morning? Name the price. I don't 
what it costs." After less than a year, I had 
to shut down the men’s membership. 
g calls from the 


re 


calling, but my husband finally had to tell 
me what he was up to. My God, he’s got 
that old romantic nip back again. He's got 
the same measurements as when he was in 
college. I've got to keep this honeymoon 
going. I'm getting a little matronly. Can 
you take me at two in the afternoon?” 
Soon, I shut down the women's member- 
ship. Later, I added a health-food store 
and a health-food restaurant in the build- 
ing. I was 30 years ahead of everybody. 
Truth is stranger than fiction 


14. 


илувое: How do you react to the notion 
that gays have ruined health clubs for he 
erosexuals? At what point docs all thi 
physical culture become narcissistic and, 
to some minds, gay? 

ta ANNE: This is bullshit! I was the first 
one to start health clubs, right? In 1936. 1 
had guys coming to me who were the pil- 


lars of society. Bank presidents, lawyers, 
judges. | won't mention any names, but 
they were all homosexuals. Nobody knew 
about it but me, because during the first 
year, 1 had to massage to stay in business. 
And these guys used to offer me mone 
you know, if they could ju 
have love with me. ГА tell them, 


blow me or 
What- 


сусг you want to do is your business. But 
you could write mc a check for $1,000,000 
and 1 would never let a man touch me. 
This is the way 1 am.” But I'm a great 
believer in live let - The only thing 
that gets me is if they try to force them- 
selves on me or if one of these old queens 
takes 12-, 13-, H4-year-olds, gives them 
money and forces them to go around with 
his friends. But Christ, 1 know guys, shit, 
they dig women, dogs, cats, anything, But 
who knows? Read thc Bible. Read 
Socrates and Plato. Christ, this stuffs 
been going on forever. But one thing ГЇЇ 
tell you about the gays: Look at how they 
dress. Narcissistic? It’s survival. It's being 
smart. Look at the animal kingdom. Ever 
see a dirty dog or cat or monkey or bird? 
"They preen cach other. They exercise for 
themselves. They want to appeal to the 
opposite sex. Is that narcissistic? No. It's 
having pride. Homosexuals love to look 
good. They're clean, neat. They're fastidi 
ous, well mannered and well educated. 
‘They like aesthetic things. They like good, 
firm, tight bodies. Health. They want to 
auract other guys. What’s wrong with 
that? Why be slobs? You've got to be 
insane to suggest that because someone 
looks good, he must be gay. That's envy. 


15. 


хувоу: That's not quite what we were 
ing. However, we should all envy 

your measurements, What are they? 

La Lanne: My chest is 47 and а half inches. 

My waist is 27 and a half. My neck is 17.1 


“Tm going to have to work in a little 
real jogging, Darline. My wife is noticing that 
I'm nol wearing out my Adidas!” 


191 


PLAYBOY 


192 


never let my waist get bigge 
your lifel nd it should never be | 
than when you were in your prime. I 
two things have happened: ‘The muscles 
have lost their tone and there's extra fat. 
Most scales lic. A guy may weigh the same 
at 30 as at 18, but chances are he's lost ten 
pounds in the shoulders and arms and 
gained ten in fat around the waist. 


16. 


viov: What do you see when you look in 
the mirror? 
xe: T think I look shitty. But 1 don't 
look at myself narcissistically, just con 


structively. I want to get better. Most of 


the beautiful men and women Гуе known 
have inferiority complexes. Гуе never been 
satisfied with myself, ever. But I feel good 
about myself, because I'm truthful. 1 don't 
corrupt myself, 1 put everything about 
Jack La Lanne right on the table. Jack 
La Lanne and Jack La Lanne are god- 
damned good friends. I'm also а perfec- 
tionist. Im very impatient. Гус got 
nd drive and I can't stand inefli- 


energy 


EN 


а stand dumb. 


ciency in people. And 1 
When 1 talk with 
always anticipate what he's going to say 
all the people I associate with 
have to be smart, Why surround yourself 
people who are going to 
down? I don't suffer fools. One of my clos- 
nds is Franco Columbo. [ hav 
er met a sharper, quicker-witted, n 
observant guy. Arnold Schwarze 
no dumbbell, either. 
Vince Ferragamo are sharp guys 
Tanny, who copied my original gym in 
Oakland, has a genius T.Q. 


17. 


people. 


someone, 


That's why 


os 


то 


you 


est fr 


ve € 


дуру: Where do you get your jump 
suits? 

ANSE: 1 have them made, along with my 
and shirts. My waist is so small and 
my chest so large that I have a hell of a 
time getting clothes 


18. 


лупоу: Who's the healthiest person you 


“Sam, you must read 
this article! A study has shown that some 
people suffer from depression as a reaction to other 
people's telling them what to do.” 


LA LANNE: Me. Not true. The most out- 
standing, fit human alive is a 
Francis 


705 по 


one whe 
He's 
and has never taken a vitamin. 


carries mori 
real pistol, boy. He likes to d 
I re 


r up to brie 


admire 


Al 


nc convict alleged to 
uccessfully escaped, really made i 
Hell, no. If vou don't know the 
ts the most treacherous body оГ 
water in the world. The tide can get up to 
seven knots, plus, the water is only 54 
degrees. Neither Morris nor the two guys 
wh ped with him were ever found. 
Later, the newspapers called me and 
asked me to simulate the escape. 1 didn't 
even do it handicapped with chains. I ju 
dove off of Alcatraz and it took me half a 
hour just t0 break away from the island. 
And you know I'm a goddamned strong 
swimmer. After I broke away, I was going 
six ог en knots. They pulled те up. 
right under the Golden Gate Bridge, going 
ош to Morris didn't live. The shark: 
would have gotten him, if nothing else. Pm 
in top shape, but even knowing about the 
water and the tides, I couldn't do i 


20. 


weov: How long do you think you'll 
live? 
LALANNE: 1 really don't 


long I live, but 1 want to five while m liv- 
ing. | want to be productive. Гуе started a 
singing career with Connie Haines. We're 
planning to go to Las Vegas. It's а new 
challenge that helps ту y dic- 


огу, 


tion and my pride. lt makes me grow. 
growing and you" сөзіне I 
aiming to get my golf handicap down 


but 
m- 


to three. 1 play at 
| want to enter th 
Um al 
simultancously 


pionships. 


1 think we call our own shots and make 
destiny. E 


lives to about si 


y е доц, 


ty. Dogs matur 
to 12 or 1. M 
of the Ru 
or 160 у 
done. E 


re 150 
ed it can be 
nber of people in the 
United States who В passed 100 
has increased 400 percent in the past six 
| live? The earth 


ie who 


ave pro 


y 


years. How long 
will go 


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PLAYBOY 


194 


SENORITA MARGARITA! 


(continued [rom page 119) 


“Unlike other popular cocktails, the vast majority of 
margaritas are consumed in clubs, cafés and bars.” 


happens to be your heart's desire. There's 
only onc absolute: The irreplaceable 
ingredient is tequila. Without it, you do 
not have a margarita. Tequila was the first 
spirit distilled on the North American con- 
tincnt, and it’s enveloped in myth. It is 
commonly thought (o be a бегу, lethal 
drink, but anyone who has sipped a prop- 
спу fashioned margarita knows better. 

Appropriately, there's a touch of mys- 
tery attached to the margarita as well as to 
its basic spirit. No one really knows the 
margarita’s origins. though there's no 
dearth of opinions. Buller's Professional 
Course in Bartending insists it was created 
by а Los Angeles bartender for а drink 
competition sponsored by tequila bottlers 
in 1954. Others claim the drink emerged 
from the Tail о’ the Cock restaurant in Los 
Angeles 

The Tequila Book lists three versions 
involying ravishing creatures named Ма 
garita, while Dallas restaurateur Mariano 
Martinez says his father found the recipe 
їп a San Antonio spcak-easy around 1939. 
Still, there's litle doubt as to the 
margarita’s bloodlines. [t stems П 
the traditional Mexican way with the 
spirit—a lick of salt, a bite of lime and a 
shot of tequila, all followed by a gasp for 
air. Somewhere along the line, а mp of tri- 
ple sec was added, perhaps in deference to 
sensitive Anglo tonsils. The tequila, lime 
juice and orange liqueur are shaken with 
ice, strained into а sali-rimmed glass 
and—caramba—a margarita! 

In most drink-wise watering spots, а 
margarita consists of 11⁄: ozs. white tequi 
la, % oz. Cointreau or triple sec and % oz. 
fresh lime juice—cold and straight up i 
the obligatory salt-rimmed glass. 

However, proportions vary, sometimes 
considerably, by region, place and the 
barman's artistic sensibilities. In T 
and the Southwest, the drink is apt to be 
sweeter and lighter: less tequi : 
liqueur and more and it’s frozen 
с ns prefer lemon to lime. Harry 
New York Bar in Paris uses equal parts of 
the three ingredients—sort of a Mexican 
lecar. On the East Coast, аз well as 
Mexico, dricr margaritas are the r 
Herb Lee, who heads The Association of 
Tequila Producers, offers this as “the best 
margarita recipe going”: 1% ozs. white 
tequila, 1⁄4 oz. triple scc and 1 oz. freshly 
squeezed lime juice. Shake well; strain into 
a stemmed glass rimmed with coarse salt. 

Salting can be a tricky business. You 
want just a smidgen, either sit 
rim or forming a narrow band arc 
outside of the glass. Sprinkle a thi 


а, mo 


forn 


table salt ошо a flat dish. With a lime 
wedge or juice, lightly moisten only the 
arca you want to frost. Invert glass and 
place on salt; do not rotate. Lift glass and 
tap to knock off excess salt. Many bars use 
coarse or kosher salt for appearance, and 
some add pizzazz with special glassware. 
Chili's, a restaurant chain, pours frozen 
margaritas into 10-02. frosted beer mugs; 
Mariano’s uses an 11/-07. stubby 
Pilsener type; and lots of places have 
adopted the saucer champagne glass. 
Unlike other popular cocktails, the vast 
majority of margaritas are consumed on 
the premises in clubs, cafés, bars and res- 
taurants. Mariano, a devout margarita- 
phile and a canny entrepreneur, vowed to 
correct that imbalance. To that end, he 
contrived a margarita mix in a bucket—a 
stroke of merchandising, genius epitom 
ing the generous, celebratory quality of the 
tipple. The gallon bucket contains 97 ozs. 
of margarita makings—everything but the 
tequila. Simply by adding а bottle of the 
spirit, then stashing the bucket in a freezer 


for 16 hours, you have a mother lode of 25 
a 


to 30 frozen margaritas, Instant par 
Competitive buckets are now appearing 
on the shelves of supermarkets, groceries 
and liquor stores. Up the margarita! 


STRAWBERRY MARGARITA 


ПА ozs. white tequila 

Yo oz. triple sec 

V oz. strawberry liqueur 

У, oz. lime juice 

5 ripe strawberries, cut up 

% cup finely crushed ice 

Add all ingredients to chilled blender 
container; buzz until almost smooth. Pour 
into large, salt-rimmed wineglass 


M-KT. MARGARITA 


1% ozs. gold tequila 

% oz. Grand Marı 

У oz. lemon juice 

Lemon slice for ga 

Briskly shake all ingredients but garnish 
with cracked ice. Strain into salt-rimmed 
glass. Hang lemon wheel on rim. 


icr 


h 


FROZEN MARGARITA 

From Pancho Villa's Mexican Restau- 
rant, New York. 

1% ozs. tequila 

% oz. Cointreau 

% oz. lemon juice 

6 ors. finely crushed icc 

Lemon slice for garnish 

Add all ingredients but garnish to chilled 
blender container; buzz until slushy or 
snowy, as you prefer, Pour into salt-rimmed 
wineglass. Garnish with lemon wheel. 


тарт 


From Manhattan's Pen & Pencil Res- 
taurant, a hangout for media people. 

1% ozs. white tequila 

% oz. Cointreau 

% oz. lemon juice 

2 canned рикарые slices, chilled 

1 tablespoon pincapple syrup 


NEAPPLE MARGARIT. 


1A to Ye cup crushed ice 
Cherry, 1⁄4 pineapple slice, for garnish 
Combine all ingredients but garnish in 


chilled blender container; buzz until 
almost smooth. Pour alt-rimmed 
glass. rnish with fruit. 


FIVE-LIME MARGARITA 


1% ozs. white tequila 

% oz. Monin Triple Lime liqueur 

1 teaspoon fresh lime juice 

Lime slice for garnish 

Briskly shake all ingredients but garnish 
with ice. Strain into salt-rimmed cocktail 
glass. Garnish with lime wheel. 


KAHLÜA MARGARITA 


1 oz. white tequila 

1 oz. Kahlúa 

2 ozs. lime juice 

1 teaspoon egg white (optional) 

% cup crushed ice 

ayredients to chilled blender 


Add all 


drink will have a foamier head if you use 
the egg w h a lin 
gering taste of coffee 


MARGARITA ROSE 


1% 025. white tequila 

от. Rose's lime juice 

V^ oz. triple sec 

Briskly shake all ingredients with ice. 
train into salt-rimmed cocktail glass or 
ваисег champagnc glass. 


MARGARITA BLUES. 


1% ozs. white tequila 

\ oz. blue curacao 

2 ozs. sweet-sour mix 

У cup finely crushed ice 

Lemon slice for garnish 

Combine all ingredients but garnish in 
chilled blender container; buzz until fairly 
smooth. Pour into salt-rimmed wineglass. 
Hang lemon wheel on rim of glass. Enjoy 
the drink and its lovely aquamarine hue. 


мас 


EON THE ROCKS 


2 ozs. white tequila 

1 oz. Cointreau 

Y^ lime, secded 

Pour tequila and Cointreau over ісе 
cubes in mmed old fashioned glass 
; add гіпа. Stir 
potent 
t to accompany а 
marga alud, dinero y amor—y tiempo 
para guslarlos! (Health, money and love— 
and time to enjoy them!) 


э» 


“Is this going to be a simple survey or an in-depth probe? 


195 


PLAYBOY 


196 


REGGIE SMITH 


(continued from page 128) 


“Man, Im not ready for Japan yet,’ he told them. 
Then they began to negotiate in earnest.” 


reflected speed с 
Smith believed, wi 
guised black rage. 

The typical National League player was 
Frank Robinson, who was intense about 
everything. Robinson helped transform the 
American League, Smith believed, м 
he was traded to the Orioles. He changed 
the Orioles, and as he changed them, the 
entire league began to change. There was 
something about Robinson—the ferocity 
with which he played the game and his 
attitude about winning—that was almost 
frightening. His was an unrelenting pres- 
ence, and teammates and opponents alike 
feared to cross him. Once, when Smith 
was a young player with the Red Sox, he 
had watched Robinson run out a ground 
ball and, noticing the man’s odd, almost 
spindly legs, had made a smart remark: 
“Pump those wheels." It was the way that 
black players often teased one another in 
those days. They were brothers, afier all. 
But Robinson, enraged by the remark, had 
gone past the Boston bench on his way 
back to the dugout and had pointed a fin- 
ger at Smith and said, “You don’t know me 
that goddamn well." Later, after the game, 
Robinson came and told him that next 


mbined with power and, 
h а certa 


barcly di 


time the te. 
go to di 


ms played. maybe they could 


ner. But there was no doubt of the 


warning that had been issued or of the 
man's transcending hardness. 
v Smith, the 


tional League was 
about power, complete power, the power 
to hit for distance and to run with speed. It 
was also about 
success—indeed, his edge—came at the 
expense of someone else, and it seemed to 
Smith that those edges, no matter how 
small, were more reluctantly conceded in 
the National than in the American 
League. It was a game far more exciting 
than the American League version, 
constantly pitting power against power, 
The Japanese game, by contrast, 
seemed io avoid power, to avoid the con- 
frontation between hitter and pitcher 
Much of the game, Smith believed, was 
not so much assertive strategy and tact 
as it was an attempt to avoid making mis- 
takes or taking responsibility. It was a 
cautious game and it probably suited their 
physical and psychic needs, but it did not 


suit him. И was, therefore. small. 
. 


Sometimes, now, Smith wondered 
whether or not he had made the right deci- 


territory; cach ma 


“My God, I thought tomorrow night was bowling night!" 


lier, when he 
сєз had made 
g well over 
Although that 


sion in signing. Two years 
was a free agent, the Y 
a handsome offer, somethi 
$1,000,000 for three years. 
would only have made him one of about 
five first basemen and seven designated 
hitters on the team, he had been tempted 
by the deal. There was, after all, enough 
doubt about his physical condition, partic- 
ularly about his arm, to limit his bargain- 
ing power. But there was something about 
the negotiations, a certain imperiousness 
to the Yankee bargaining style, that put 
him off—that, plus George Steinbrenner's 
reputation for paying athletes welland 1 
believing he was entitled to play with them 

In that sense, Smith thought, the mod- 
ern owner was not unlike the modern f 
there was more psychic tension than ever 
before between him and the star player. 
The relationship was not as it had been in 
his carly days on the Red Sox, а shared 
relationship between star and owner, but, 
rather, а new, instant relationship in 
which the owner shared the spotlight in 
the moment of signing and felt freer than 
ever to attack the star. If the star failed, it 
was not the owner's fault, for he could 
show how much he had paid; h ined 
а good owner who had hired a bad player. 

In the end, Smith signed with the $ 
Francisco Gi 


bats. After the season, he hegan negotiat- 
ing with the Giants with marginal 5 
but they had their eyes on 
And when it became clear that the Ameri- 
са! түсу more than 
three times as much as Smith, hc hegan to 
take the Japanese Giants more seriously. 

In the beginning, he was amused by the 
cultural differences when the Ye 
resentatives came to him and asked if hc 
wanted to sign with them. He responded 
in the good American tradition by asking 
how much they were willing to pay. They, 
in turn, said, “Tell us whether or not 
you'll sign and then we'll tell you how 
much we'll pay.” He responded that he 
wanted a close idea of their oller before he 
committed himself. They replied that they 
could not make him such an offer, because 
if they made it and he turned it down, they 
would lose face. “Мап, lin not ready for 
Japan yet,” he told them. Then they began 
to negotiate in earnest 

Soon one of the Giants’ negotiators told 
him they wanted him to have a yery good 
year, to hit perhaps .270 with 20 home 
runs, but not to have а bet than 
their own stars, particularly Tatsunori 
Hara, their talented young third baseman, 
who had hit 33 home runs the previous 
season. “That’s really weird," Smith had 
said, He enjoyed the negotiations, howey- 
er, They went on for some three months 
and, as they got more and more serious, 
Smith noticed а certain cultural progres- 
ion, most apparent in the ascending level 
of sophistication of the clothes worn by 
emissarics of the nts. The sports 


the( anadians 


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clothes quickly gave way to suits. Then the 
suits got progressively darker, the shirts 
whiter and crisper, the ties more subdued. 
At the higher levels, the men began to 
wear leather watch straps. When he finally 
got to meet Toru Shoriki, the owner of the 
team, Smith was waiting in a lounge hav- 
ing a drink; suddenly, a Giants executive 
materialized out of nowhere and, without 
even asking, snatched the drink away 

"You should not be drinking when 
Shoriki-san comes in," he said. Just then, 
Shoriki himself walked in, an elegant man 
in a beautiful, understated black suit and 
the most subile white shirt Smith had ever 
seen. “That’s the boss," he decided. 

Now he was sitting around having a 
postgame drink with a man named Robert 
Whiting. Whiting, a young American who 
had gone to college in Japan, stayed 
around aftcr graduation and, because of 
his special interest in both Japanese cul- 
ture and American bascball, ended up 
writing a book about Japanese bascball 
called The Chrysanthemum and the Bat, one 
of the best of all books on modern Japan. 
In it, Whiting details the hard times Jap 
nese baseball has often inflicted upon its 
American participants, the gaijins, and the 
equally hard time the gaijins have inflicted 
on the Japanese—times so hard that some 
Americans have in recent years come to be 
known as Pepitones (a derogatory name in 
honor of the former Yankee first baseman 
Joe Pepitone, who took so much moncy, 
чашма su problems and played so 
few games that he became the dubious 
standard against which other ballplayers 
were measured). One of the high points of 
the Whiting book is a description of the 
1965 season, in which Daryl Spencer, once 
a San Francisco Giant, was making a run 
for the Japanese Pacific League home-run 
title and virtually every opposing pitcher 
in the league began to walk him on four 
pitches. All of this, Whiting was now tell- 
ing Smith, was a reflection of the schizo- 
phrenic Japanese relationship with the 
Western world. They wanted to be like the 
West—were, in fact, the world's foremost 
imitators of Western customs—and they 
wanted just as badly to be left completely 
alone, unblemished by foreign influence. 
So, Whiting said, they know they need the 
gaijins and want them, on occasion, to do 
well, but they do not want them to do too 
well. Of course, the gaijins are also very 
handy in case a team begins to do poorly. 
They can always be blamed. That, he 
noted, might become Smith's role if things 
did not go well this year. 

Indeed, the real belief of the people who 
run Japanese baseball is that as long as 
there are gaijin players, Japanese baseball 
cannot really be considered first class. The 
current commissioner has asked all clubs 
to be rid of their Americans in five уса 

"Last year,” said Whiting, “Tony 
Solaita, the former Yankee and Toronto 
Blue Jay, һай а greai year. Everything 
went right. Led the league in home runs 
and В.В.1.5. Led the league in game- 


winning hits. In the second half of the 
son, he got 14 of his 17 game-winning 
hits." Whiting paused. “Не finished a dis- 
tant third in the M.V.P. vo His man- 
ager told all the writers to vote for one of 
the other guys. So I told Solaita what hap- 
pened and he was really pissed and he 
called the manager, who said, ‘I'm sorry; I 
didn't know you wanted it. Besi 
weren't here." Solaita had a hard у 
was in the race for the home-rum title, and 
the Japanese are still sensitive about that 
title, because it means power, and they're 
more touchy about power than about aver- 
age. So in the last part of the season, the 
opposing pitchers started walking him all 
the time. He got desperate and asked his 
manager to argue with the umpir 
the manager did. Then he asked 
wanted him to walk the other home-run 
hitter. Solaita said, “Мо, it’s unprolession- 
al’ But in the 
game, he took himsel 

Smith listened Шу as Whiting 
spoke. He had been warned. 

. 


care! 


A day later, Smith was frusirated even 
further. Sliding into third base, he hurt his 


пее badly. [t would be at least a month 
before he could run hard again. If he were 
ску, he would be able to pinch-hit in 
about two weeks. It would be even harder 
now to perform here the way he wanted. 
A career for an athlete was an elusive 
thing, he thought. Only when it was virtu- 
ally over, when the physical powers were 
hing, was it possible to have any 
ht into what m: 
but a complete 
nature of a man. He saw himself now as a 
contemporary not so much of certain 
teammates from the Red Sox or Cardinals 
or Dodgers but, rather, of a handful of 
players who had entered the major leagues 
in one cra, the mid-Sixties, and lasted 
through an entirely different one, the early 
Eighties. The first era had been harder: 
the game was tougher, the pay was smaller 
and а rookie was always a threat to а 
teammate's job, Smith himself had been 
paid $6500 in his rookie season. It was a 
world 


de a car 
areer, the sig- 


thout guarantees. 


he players 
her, both 
he 


were forced to be 
lly and phy 
believed, the black players, who had all 
ious little Sout 


meni 


т 


spent tim, 


“Someday we'll look back at all of this and laugh.” 


199 


PLAYBOY 


and who later, in the bigs, faced a more 
subtle kind of racism, an attitude that 
allowed a black player to be accepted as 
long as he was unquestioning of authority 
and was not different and did not com- 
plain. As long, in Reggie Smith's view, as 
he remained as white as he could be). 
"That era had gradually come to an end 


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;ondom lod: spring-training camp in Scottsdale in 
1964. He had been a rookie, and rookies 
Er d were still almost subhuman in those days, 
Riverside, CT 06878 referred to by the veterans as “Bush,” 
И. existing to Бе seen but not heard. If, in 
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Spring training with the Red Sox had 
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PLAYBOY 


he had pitched a no-hitter, and he was said 
to have only marginal tolerance for rook- 
ies. On the first day of spring training, 
Smith, determined to be respectful and not 
to behave like a rookie, had carried his 
suitcases down the hall, praci all the 
while how he would greet this legend. He 
would prove to Wilson that he was a seri- 
ous young man, not some brash rookie, 
since he was in truth a brash rookie. He 
finally knocked on the door and a huge 
voice told him to come in. 

“Hello, Mr. Wilson, my name is . . 7 
he began. 

An enormous black form began to rise 
out of the bed. “Get the fuck out of here!” 
he shouted. “My name is Earl.” 

So Smith left the room, knocked again, 
entered and said, "Hello, Earl.” With 
that, he decided many ycars later, his edu- 
cation had commenced. 

Not until long after both he and Wilson 
left Boston did he truly understand how 
generous Wilson had been. For Wilson. 
virtually alonc on а mostly white tcam, 
had taken him in hand and made sure that 
he did not waste such exceptional natural 
gifts, particularly in an organization that 
had not yet become an equal-opportunity 
employer. That was not always easy or 
painless, for Wilson was educating a rela- 
tively soft young man fora harder world. 

“You're so young, Bush," he had said to 
him in that first week, “that you don't 
even have your man muscles yet.” 

That spring, Wilson was pitching bat- 
ting practice to Smith, who had power but 
did not yet know how to pull the ball. 
Wilson threw an inside pitch and Smith 
hit it sharply through the box. Wilson just 
managed to duck out of the ball's way. 

Dick Radatz, the mammoth relief pitch- 
er, began to get on Wilson. "You goi 
let that little kid get away with that, Earl?” 
he shouted. The next pitch, very fast, hit 
Smith in the back. 

"Now hit that onc back the middle," 
Wilson said. So Smith started trying to hit 
everythii through the middle and 
Wilson, in turn, finally threw right at his 
head. That made Smith even angrier, 
though his anger was directed at Radatz, 
who, he decided, had started all the trou- 
ble. Earl, after all, was his friend. So he 
started yelling at Radatz; then Wilson 
came in and grabbed him by the collar. A 
hand had never seemed so large 

“Hey, Road," Wilson said, using a nick- 
name for a roommate, "you're out of line. 
This is the big leagues, and you've got to 
learn to pull pitches like that ` 

A few minutes later, ng in 
the dugout, still fuming, when a huge foot 
belonging to Radarz suddenly appeared in 
front of him, blocking all else from view. It 
was surely the largest foot that R 
Smith had ever seen. “You mad at me?" a 
voice that was in some way connected to 
the foot had asked. This man, Smith 
thought, is huge. Just huge 

"No, I think Pm over it now," hc 


202 answered. 


"Tm very glad of that," the voice said, 
and both it and the foot disappeared. 
ay at Korakuen Stadiun 
incident from his boy- 
. а very long way from 
pan. He had been about 15 and was 
‘driving back from а semipro game with his 
father when they had spotted Willie Mays 
а promotion in а tire store. Reggie 
had walked up to Mays and told hi 
ballplayer. Mays, to his sur- 
prise, had not asked him whether he bat- 
ted lefty or righty or which position he 
played. The only thing he had said was, 
“Do you know how to duck?" Now Smith 
finally understood what Mays had meant. 
Earl Wilson understood, too, by the 
time he зроцей the immense raw talent in 
Smith. “Нез in the 
class,” 


hood in Californ 


n that 


he, too, wa: 


when Boston played the Giants in an exhi- 
bition game, he went over to the San 
Francisco bench and took Mays aside. 
“Willie,” he sai you think you've got 
an arm. Now watch this kid." Wilson wor- 
ried about Smith, about his instinct for 
defiance in а profession not much given to 
contention (“Reggie reminded me a lot of 
me,” he later said), and he had worked to 
protect him, Smith remembered now how 
Jarl had told him once, when the younger 
player was depressed, that he was not 
allowed to get down nor to let his temper 
diminish his talent. “Reggie,” he had said, 
you've got to make it. You are the best 
young prospect ever to come along in the 
Boston organization. You've got the best 
chance and so you've got to make it. Not 
just for yourself but for all of us.” 
. 

It happened very quickly. By 1967, he 
was in his rookie season and having а won- 
derful year. At first, he'd taken pleasure 
from the status, from simply being in the 
big leagues, and he had done the usual 
rookie things: bought the requisite T-bird, 
endowed it with REGGIE plates and enjoyed 
it when he was recognized on the streets of 
Boston, He had learned to time it, to 
watch the excitement in the face of the sur- 
prised citizens, and had learned to be very 
cool under the glare of that attention, 

His natural gifts had shown through 
from the start, and he loved it when 
opposing tcams gathered in front of their 
dugouts to watch him throw from the out- 
field during pregame practice. Roberto 
Clemente, who had been onc of his heroes, 
said that Smith had the best arm in base- 
ball. Сай Yastrzemski had taken him 
under his wing that first year, and that had 
been both generous and unusual, since 
Yaz usually stood apart from the others. 
But in 1967, the ball club came together. 
It was а young team, and it did something 
team had done in 20 years—it went 
from last place in one season to first place 
in the next one, Baseball was sheer pleas- 
ure for Smith, and it generated a sense of 
excitement he had not known before. He 
simply could not wait to get to the ball 


park every day. In the morning, there was 
always an impatience, а feeling that they 
should skip the pregame drills and just 
play the game. 

That summer, he watched his friend 
Yastrzemski with an admiration that was 
complete. Yaz had always been an excep- 
tional teacher, not so much by what he 
said as by what he did (the lessons were 
there if you wanted them, but you had to 
ask; he not volunteer anything). From 
Yaz had come not only his own shrewd 
insights about hitting but the distilled les- 
sons of Ted Williams as well, for Yaz had 
istened carefully to Williams and shared 
him that intensity of concentration, 
as if in life, baseball alone mattered. 

If that was normally true, then it was 
even more truc in the summer of 1967. 
During the pennant run, Yaz started tak- 
ing extra batting practice after home 
games, something he had picked up from 
Williams. Soon he asked Smith and a few 
others to join him, and there was a special 
pleasure in those hours, a rare sense of 
camaraderie among big-leaguers. There 
they were, staying behind after everyone 
else had gone home, men playing like 
bovs, exulting in the dual pleasures of their 
manhood and their boyhood. 

Eventually, Boston went sour for Smith. 
There were divisions on the team; he was 
in the Yaz group, and the people who did 
not like Yaz took out their frustration on 
not on the superstar. There were 
racial tensions with fans and sportswriters, 
for the Boston sports press in the late Six- 
ties was not entirely ready for a brash 
young black player who seemed to lack 
what some sportswriters felt was the гед 
site gratitude of a black player to а whi 
newspaperman. Then, in the early Seven- 
ties, there were the beginnings of his inju- 
ries, and with them he became more of a 
target for the Red Sox fans. 

At the end of the 1973 season, he was 
traded to the Cardinals. He was glad to go, 
glad to get out of Boston, where he had 
stayed too long, he thought, and where 
there was still a curious reluctance 10 
accept a black star. He was also glad to be 
going to the N ] League, where he 
was sure his game would be more natu 

He loved the National League 
ately. It was a far better place to utilize his 
skills. He felt liberated there, able to play 
the game all out as he had not been able to 
in Boston. (With a similar number of 
games played in each league, Smith made 
the all-star team five times from the 
National League and only twice from the 
American.) Speed was of the essence here; 
he was aware of that the moment he 
walked into the Cardinals’ locker room. 
No one symbolized it more than Lou 
Brock. He might seem like a perfect gentle- 
man on the outside, but there was an 
intensity with which he exploited his speed 
and pressured the opposition with his run- 
ning that was almost frightening. No one 
жаз going to stand in the way of what he 
wanted. Brock’s preparation for a game 


Юг. Bosley 
explains 


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у ISSUE 


PLAYMATE INTERVIEW | SPECIAL FEATURE | ISSUE | PLAYMATE INTERVIEW | SPECIAL FEATURE 
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ded Smith of nothing so much as а 
jr being sharpened and then sharp- 
ened again. Brock had exceptional speed, 
but what gave him his edge—it was all 
about edge, no matter how small -—was his 
and passion. Smith worked 


helping time opposing pitch- 

and catchers on. their mov and he 
decided they were all part of the same gen- 
¢ They were the lineal descendants 


of Jackie Robinson, all in their own ways 
hing the stereotype that blacks had tal- 
hard 
they 


ligence. They we 


because 


n 
nd Smith e 1 playing 
there but eventually got into а contract 
hassle with Augie Busch and, to his 
delight, was traded to the Dodgers. He 
was pleased to be going back to California 
which was his home, and delighted to be 
playing for the Dodgers. They were, he 
thought, just one player—and " 


transi 


amount of toughness—away from being а 
great team. He was fascinated by the 
Dodgers as an organization; it did all the 


coutcd the r 


юг 


little things well: lt s 
leagues carefully; it taught fundamentals; 
and it looked for the type 
ld fit in with the new cle 
fornia Dodger tradition, whi 
course, «ІК from the older, fl 
Brooklyn one, for the tradition must fit the 
locale. Dodger Blue—the idea that they 
were not only cleaner but somehow spirit- 
ually superior to other baseball players— 
sold well. The seats were always filled and 
the teams were good, albeit not quite 
good enough. They lacked the inherent 
meanness of some of their opponents. 
"Tommy Lasorda was a good front for it all, 
а man of the organization who not only 
articulated the team’s myth but propa- 
gated it himself. Walking Eagle, some of 
the older players called him, meaning 
that he was so full of shit he could 
not fly. Tt handsome new media team 
for the brave new media world 

Smith was always amused by the idea of 
Dodger Blue and Dodger harmony; 
own t was one of the most d 
teams he had ever known, as 


f player who 


wol -cut. Cali- 


much 
wrought with truly petty jealousies as any 
team could be. Still, he admir ed the organ- 


ization, the sheer professionalism of it on 
every level. He knew that Al Campanis 
had understood free agency before any 
ager in baseball and had 
signed all of his relatively young players to 
what seemed like generous long-term con- 
Generous they were the day they 
but yea 
усаг was what utility players 
were being paid. As the contracts were 
about то run out in the past year or two, 
Smith had tried to warn his friends on the 
team that the Dodgers would not re-sign 
them, that they would turn to the younger 
players they had been stockpiling in the 
minors. But none of them really believed 
him. They were Dodgers, men of the organ- 


within а few 


Japanese players ar 


ization; Walking Eagle was their buddy 
and they had been good to the on 
tion, and they were now sure tha 
turn, would reward them, Smith w 
of course, and the Dodgers did not even 
try to sign Steve Garvey when he became 
agent. Soon Ron Сеу and Davey Lopes 


also gone, as was Reggie Smith. 

It was а tough, well-run organization, 
smith understood, a place absolutely 
without illusion or loyalty. 

H 


ter he twisted his knee, it was 
ng him a lot of pain, He was 


nt thar 


A monti 
still gi 
pinch-hitting 
d of seeing bad pitches four or five 
times а game, he was seeing them only 
once. And that meant he was pressing 

even more. 
The Japanese press was beginning 10 
needle him. There were references to him 
s “the million-dollar pinch hitter.” It was 
too bad, one sportswriter noted, that his 
body was so old, because he was certainly 
trying hard. “But, fortunately, our young 
so good that we do 


now, which n 


ed Smith-san 

175 getting harder and harder for me, 
he was saying as he got ready to go to the 
ball park in Osaka. “I can't show what I 
can de. | keep wondering why they 
brought me here. Why did they want mc 
so badly? If they want their Japanese 
counterparts to be bigger stars, then ОК, 
but | could have stayed in America. | pop 
up now and they spend half the paper 
writing about it, discussing it, analyzing 


not 


my swing." He paused. “You know, one of 
the reasons they told me they signed me 
was that they wanted to measure their best 
nst genuine American stars, But then 
they back away from it. Sometimes 1 think 
the most paralyzing thing in this game— 
probably in this country—is the fear of 
failure, They would rather not try at all 
tha y and fail. But to be an athlete, 1 
mean a real athlete, you Have to have the 
courage to try, which means the courage 
to fail.” He shook his head. 

Hector Cruz, one of die three Cruz 
ind Smith's one gaijin teammate, 
n the lobby. They got 
led for the ball park. “Reggie,” 
you are the best Гус ever seen 
at getting around іп Japan. You never get 
lost. You just get in a cab and they look at 
you and take you to the ball park. Maybe 
it's the haircut.” 

Cruz was having an even harder time 
than Smith. Part of it was language. Smith 
spoke English and, thus, the interpreter 
could readily connect him to the team. But 
Hector spoke Spanglish, and on the way 
from his native Spanish to their Japanese, 
a great deal got lost. Then there was the 
cultural difference exhibited i 
tude and body language. TI 
nal, disciplined: 
Their body language was unbelievably 
formal. Even the baseball players seemed 
as if they should be wearing blue si 
Cruz, by contrast, was loose. Everything 
about him was loose—his body move- 
ment, his attitude. Japan was net сазу for 


brother: 


met him to a cab. 


n style, atti- 


were fi 


“That's an ugly swelling you have there, 
Mr. Cosgriff.” 


PLAYBOY 


Hector; nor, for that matter, for his 
brother Tommy, who had played the усаг 
before for the Nippon Ham Fighters. The 
time a batting coach tried to correct 
Tommy's swing, he simply looked at him, 
dropped his bat on the plate and left the 
ball park. On another occasion, there was 
some difference of opinion on whether or 
not the team was going to pay Tommy 
Cruz's utility bill, as his contract prom- 
ised. He showed up for a game one night 
quite angry because the bill had not been 
taken care of He would nnt. he insisted, 
play in the six-PM. game unless it was 
done. No one took him very seriously. At 
5:45, he retumed to the clubhouse. 
dressed and left the ball park. They caught 
up with him outside the park and рег- 
suaded him to come back. But Japan 
һай not been easy on the Cruz family, nor 
had the Cruz family been casy on Japan. 
Hector had been injured carly in thc 
season, but now he was ready 10 play. 
The team was winning, however, so there 
was no need to replace a Japanese player 
with a gaijin. 

Smith and Cruz arrived at the ball park 
already dressed; the facilities were too 
primitive to shower there. There were still 
more than three hours to kill before the 
game. The Japanese sportswriters filled 
the Giants’ dugout, so Smith and Cruz 
sprinted to the outfield. The sportswriters 
were eager to talk with an American col- 
league about visiting baseball teams of the 
past, particularly the old Yankees. 

“We were very excited when Mr. Yogi 
was going to come here,” one of the 
sportswriters was saying, “because we 
heard а great deal about Mr. Yogi and 
how funny he was. But then he came here 
and we did not think he was very funny 
We wanted him to say funny things, but 
mostly he told us to get out of his 
way. We do not think Mr. Yogi liked Japa- 
nese people.” 

Another sportswriter mentioned Mickey 
Mantle. “Mantle-san,” he said, “liked the 
G very much, we think. He and Mr. 
Billy Martin went to the Ginza and they 
stayed in Ginza all night, and the next 
day, Mantle-san struck out three times. A 
real Ginza swing.” 

At the hall park, Smith and Cru 
seemed distinctly apart from their tcam- 
mates. They stayed, after all, 
hotels and they did different pregame 
drills. The Japanese were deadly serious 
about their practices; they ran hard and 
exercised hard, and a good practice was 
considered important, a sign that a player 
was ready to have a good game. The 
gaijins didn't work that way; by nature, 
they coasted through practice, assuming 
that what they were capable of doing was a 
given. It was part of the sticking point 
between the gayins and the Japanese. The 
far larger roles of the manager and the 


at different 


coaches in the Japanese game irritated 
Smith. There were 13 coaches on the 
204 Giants and 14 on the Hanshin Tigers. To 


his mind, that was far too much meddling, 

That evening during batting practice, 
for instance, an American player named 
Steve Stroughter was getting instruction 
from a Tiger coach. "Look at that" Smith 
said. "Just look at that. That batting 
coach is full of shit. Doesn't know a damn 
thing about what he's saying, but he's 
going to tinker anyway. The kid has been 
swinging that way all his life, but he's 
going to play with him anyway. Just a 
coach anxious to screw someone up.” He 
checked the coach’s number. “Hey, Ichi,” 
he called to the team interpreter, Ichiro 
Tanuma, “who's number 84?" 

‘Katsura Yokomizo." said Tanuma. 

“He ever play Japanese baseball?" 
Smith asked. The distaste was palpable. 

“He played outfield for Hiroshima, 
‘Tanuma answered. 

“Sure he did." Smith said. “А great sta 
there. 

Tr was not a good game for Smith 
fourth inning, with the bases loaded and 
one out, he was sent up to pinch-hit. He 
grabbed a bat, but first he told Sadaharu 
Oh, now a Giant coach, that it was too 
early in the game to use him. “Itis never 
too early to hit a home run," Oh said. 

The first pitch caught Smith Бу sur- 
prise. He had heen expecting the Hanshin 
pitcher to waste two or three and, instead 
it was the best pitch he had seen in two 
weeks, right over the plate. He hit a soft 
pop-up to shortstop. He was not pleased 
with himself: The game, which did nor 
have a lot of hits, took more than four 
hours and ended with Yomiuri’: g 
5-4. To the Americans, the Jay ame 
scemed interminable; by contrast, the Jap- 
anese do not like telecasts of American 
games, which they find far too short 

. 

Smith had hoped to be playing regularly 
by early June, but when he finally tried, 
his knee buckled completely. He would be 
a pinch hitter, it appeared, for quite a 
while, if not the entire season. Now the 
Japanese press was riding him hard. One 
paper thought he did not smile enough 
Another quoted the Giants’ general man- 
ager about how fortunate it was that 
Smith had only a one-year contract 

"That's mild,” Bob Whiting remarked, 
like a veteran family counselor, involun. 
tarily expert at watching the breakup of 
Japanese-American baseball marriages 
“Tt won't get really good for another two 
weeks," he said. Two weeks later to the 
di Whiting phoned. “It’s begun," he 
said. “You have to know how to look for it. 
The tip-off came all last week. The camera 
on the televised games kept showing Smith 
and Cruz in the dugout. No one ever said 
anything, but the implication was always 
that they weren't ing attention and 
that they didn’t care about the team 
What they really feel is that Smith should 
be more contrite, that his face and manner 
should show more obligation—that he 
should be more Japanese. So today it’ 


wi 


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PLAYBOY 


finally hit one of the tabloids.” 

“FIRE sama” was the headline, "The 
Japanese have a gaijin complex,” the story 
‘said, “and it is being taken advantage of. 
rhe gaijins come here and don't do any- 
nd Japan has become the laughing- 


g someone like Reggie Smith? We're 
one of the seven advanced nations of the 
world. Occasionally, he'll come to bat and 
get a hit as a pinch h 
willl say thank you, and he'll a 
superior smile, ‘I'm a major-le 

Only if the d Smith and 
him home to America, the paper 
would the rest of the world respect Japan 

By late June, alter a month of that sort 
of thing, Smith would sometimes wait 
the locker room for more than an hour 
after the game, until everyone else was 
gone. This particular night, the Giants 
had taken an early lead, and so he did not 
even have to pinch-hit, and now, as he got 
оп the subway with some friends, he said, 
“You know, it looks like baseball, it smel 
like baseball, but it isn’t baseball at all." 

. 

Slowly, he began to heal. In July, he 
returned to the line-up full time. He wa 
pressing, and he struck out often and com- 
plained angrily about what he called the 
gaijin strike zone, а pitcher's delight. In 
Hiroshima, afier being called out on 
strikes, he smashed up a couple of lockers 
The Japanese were not amused. Nor was 
he: he was convinced that the Giant 
coaches not only did not back him up but 
rooted against him. Then, a litle later, Oh 
Denched him because he was 
The Japanese press loved it, h 
looked more and more as if he would not 
last the seasor 

Shortly afier that, he tried to reverse the 

le of his fortunes by ha га 


"too nerv- 


day," putting his entire uniform оп back- 
ward, from underwear to shoes. ‘The Giant 
players loved it, but the coaches were 
angry. He thought he was mocking him- 
self, but they thought he was mocking 
something almost sacred, Japanese bas 
ball. They ordered him (o go in and 
change for batting practice. He refused. 

TII take batting practice in my mind,” he 
id. Perhaps the Zen b.p. helped, for he 
hit a home run and a double that night. 
Bur overall, things were not going well for 
him. nor for the Giants, who were in the 
process of blowing a ten-game lead to the 
Hiroshima Carp. 

А few days later, he was involved in a 
jor incident in a game against the Carp. 
The Hiroshima bench began to get on him 
in a way that he could only partly unde 
stand: “Gaijin, gaijin!” they shouted, and 
then added some incomprehensible words 
in Japanese. Of the words in Japanese, he 
imagined the worst. To him, that was 
insulting. In his mind, they were all 
double-À ballpl 
did not have the right to ride somcone 
from the bigs. He started yelling “Fuck 
vou" at them. The Carp pitcher retaliated 
with a brush-back pitch. The umpire did 
ng. The Carp pitcher threw another 
hat to flip some 
“If you want to fight,” the 
Smith, 


Double-A players 


in the 


ith used 
atcher's fi 
umpire said, pointing his finger 
do it outside the stadium.” 
"IET wanted to fight.” Smith answered, 
she'd be lying өп his ass on the ground 


" 


right now." 

The next night, before the game, he 
went over to the Carp bench and told 
them in a very cool and lightly ominous 
way to lay off the razzing and lay off the 
bean balls. Otherwise, he would protect 
himself. He suddenly looked very much 
bigger than thev did. Late in the game, 


with two men on, the Carp catcher called 
for a brush-back pitch; the pitcher refused 
and threw it on the outside corner, Smith 
reached out and hit a three-run homer that 
won the game and also ended a run the 
Carp had been 

Some of his friends had thought that 
he'd come to the end of the road, but after 
that night, things began to change for the 
better. He and Oh, whom he respected, 
had a long dinner that helped clear the air, 
and the umpires seemed to ease up and 
give him more of a strike zone (there were 
quite reliable reports that the sainted Oh 
had talked to them). He began to get bet- 
ter pitches and he began to hit. He shori 
ened his swing to match the style of 


Japanese baseball —hands right in front of 
his face. Suddenly, he was not just hitting, 
he was carrying the team. That was 
important; caries, when the Giants 


seemed to have the pennant locked up, 
they had not needed him, Now, when they 
making a run, he was dominating the 
game, going in the process from bad gaijin 
to good gaijin. By the end of the season, he 
had 28 homers and 72 R.B.Ls in only 
261 at bats. (Tatsunori Hara, the team's 
star, who benefited from having Smith hit 
behind him, had 31 homers and 103 
R.B.Ls in almost twice as many at bats.) 

Soon afier Smith got hot, the Japanese 
about him 
nts clinched the pennant on a day 


press was writing positivel 
The G 


p whi 


ns. A series 


h he hit three home 
of articles in a Japanese sports paper fea- 
tured his tips on hitting and referred to 
him as Professor Smith. There were even 
some commercial endorsements, which 
was unheard of for an American player. 
He finished second in the most-valuable- 
player voting, behind Hara. The owner of 
the team, Shoriki, referred to Smith's sal- 


ary as a bargi 
talk of what he would do when he came 
back in 1984 and about the advice he 
would give a new gaijin player (^ 
everything you thought you knew about 
baseball and strike zones and strat- 
egy .. 7). Appreciated by the Japanese, 
he in turn became more appreciative of 
them, of how much they had created out of 
so little, Everyone seemed to relax a bit 
more. Acceptance bred acceptance. For 
the first time, there was on their part a 
recognition of how passionately he had 
wanted to excel. 

In the end, some of the Giants’ front- 
office people spoke of the fact that the team 
could not have won the pennant without 
him. Newspapers said that Smith was not 
like the other дап, who had come over 
only for the money. Instead, he had played 
hard and well under difficult conditions. 
Even a gaijin, it seemed, could learn some- 
thing new about an old game. 


Smith himself began to 


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REAL MEN/REAL WOMEN 


(continued from page 92) 


Nowhere else on earth is life as moribund 
as it is in this activities room 

He stands back up. 

*] just want to make it clear,” he says, 
raising one shoulder, “that I'm not going 
to have any more problems with questions 
about sex. I don't want everybody to be 
inhibited.” A thin, quiet smile appears on 
his lips. “And don’t worry about hurting 
me,” he lowers his head, “because Um 
ready, you know, to take part. And, ah, the 
thing I like about a woman,” he raises his 
сусз, “is, ahhhhh, you know, her tits and 


her ass.” 
. 

My old flame, Mi 
boy, the Olympic gold medalist, immortal 
of the Big Ten and god of Indiana Univer- 
sity, whom I have not seen for 20 years and 
who formed, absolutely and finally, every 
ideal I will ever want in а man, calls, and 
we make a date for dinner. Then I call my 
friend Marsha back in New York 

"Whattya wearin'?" she says. I say 1 am 
the black velvet and the 
sha considers this. 

"That should do it,” she says 

. 

In the Bay Area, а beautiful woman 
who is a graduate of Real Men/Real 
Women is standing in the doorway of her 
office with a book in her hand. 


Troy, the famous 


hree things I must have,” she says by 
« of greeting. “A man who is great at 
oral sex. A man who is passionate. And a 
man with some size.” 

I ask her to define size. 

"OK. Let me say this. A thin dick turns 
me off." 

L ask her about length. We move inside. 

“Well, I'm uncertain ..." she says, 
walking over to her desk. She has long legs 
and a ponytail. She sighs and frowns. 
0, what is the range you find accepta- 

T ask. 

She sits down, crosses her thi 


ble 
hs and 


lapses into thought. 
After a minute, I penetrate the silence. 


“Well, what do you say to five inches? 
“Fi ?" she says reflectively. 
Five inches. Five inches. Five inches.” 

She opens a drawer and gets out a ruler. 

"I assume you mean erect,” she says 

She lays the ruler on her knee and 
marks off five inches between her thumbs. 
“Well she says. “Five inches might 
do if it weren't too skinny.” 

“Let me sec," I say. 

1 walk over to look. She holds the ruler 
between us with a serious, even a straight, 
face, with her thumbs on the marks. 

L cry. "Five inches is up there!” 


e inchi 


here... . God!" | say. She is 
holding her left thumb at the bottom of the 
ruler, on the blank space, instead of at the 
one-inch line. 

Zeeeeeeceeck!” she screams, “OK. OK." 
She moves her thumb up to the one- 


inch mark. “OK. Here's five.” 

“OK,” I say. "Forget five. Move up.” 

“OK. Here's six—so that’s six.” 

Her eyes widen. She shoots her thumb 
to eight in a reckless, lavish gesture and, 
indeed, seems ready to squander the entire 
ruler. 

“If men knew women did this, they 
would die," I say. 

She looks up and laughs in a deep, vel- 
vety chuckle, and taps the ruler against 
her thigh 

“But who would сусг tell them? 
says. “We have to keep men's egos up, or 
they couldn't perform at all!” 

. 

Jerry says there is time for one тоге 
round before lunch, so the women ask 
the men, “Why are women important to 
your"? 

"The men think about it a few moments. 
Larry takes the floor. “There is something 
different about you,” he $ 

‘The women smile politel 

“Something—magic.” He runs his 
thumbs around the inside of his waistband 
and hitches his pants slightly, and sud- 
аспу his voice goes up beyond his normal 
range. "Something 1 can't live without." 

His words are ardent. The women stop 
smiling and glance at one another. 

He sits down abruptly. The corners of 
his mouth tighten and his nose enlarges 
He covers his face with his hand. Guy, the 
spinologist, goes over and gets a box of ti 
sues. Larry removes his glasses, hunches 
over and wipes his eyes. Then he stops and 
gazes across at the women, His face is wet 
and amorous. The women encourage him. 
He grows looser, rounder, flabbier, more 
tender. This drama is of short duration. A 
moment later, а second man stands up and 
says why women are important to him and 
breaks down; then a third breaks down 
sooner than the second did; then a doctor 
remains entirely dry-eyed and merely 
opens his mouth, presses his hand to his 
breast and pantomimes ripping out of his 
skin the heart that has grown so mellow: 
and the more miserable the men appear, 
the more masculine they become—for to 
be a man and go off your nut over women 
is nothing; and to be a man and go off your 
nut over women in front of women is also 
nothing; but to be а man and go off more 
of your nut than the last man who went off 
his nut over women in front of women is a 
competition, and that smacks of balls. 


ship for three years,” says Jerry Lipkin, 
“so I didn’t feel so great when she started 
talking about a penis.” 

"Even though she was talking about 


your penis?" ] say 
“As it turns out, she was talking about 
my penis.” 


“So why does that bother you?" 
“I didn't know it was my penis.” 
эһ.” 


по way of 


nowing it was your penis in particular.” 
“No way.” 

“Because she just said а penis?” 
actly,” says Jerry with the note of 
sadness that mingles with a man’s enthu- 
siasm when he speaks of his penis. “I was 
in... «ithe: = dark” 

. 

“This is where the men and women 
walk around and drink in the incredible 
unity that exists right now in this room,” 
says Maria alter the question-and-answer 
Period is over. “So if you would please 
push the chairs back and, without physical 
contact or verbal contact, just spend some 
time connecting and making—no hug- 
ging! mo hugging!—eye contact. ОК 
Let's move the chairs." 

People move the chairs, and then a song 
is played on the stereo cassette recorder 
and they slowly walk toward one another. 
Gazing into the eyes of Californians has an 
unpleasant effect on me. I am standing 
outside the room, behind the door, when 
Arthur finds me. 

I've seen people cry today," he says. 
“I've seen people laugh. And Гуе seen no 
emotion on your face." 

I smile at him. 

“I wonder," he says, “what you, as а 
journalist, think of this.” 

“Ahhh!” I am surprised. 

“Allright,” he says. “I was wondering if 
you, as a woman, were getting what was 
going on." He raises an eyebrow and looks 
through the doorway toward the side of 
the room where the men were sitting. 

Т concentrate my thoughts in that direc- 
tion. This dampens my fervor. No, I say, 1 
do not know if Tm getting it 

“You mean, as a woman," he says, put- 
ting his hands in his pockets, "you don't 
understand men." He starts jingling some 
change, and suddenly I remember what he 
said about the wig, the toll booth and the 
towering experience. 

I switch my eyes back to his face. 

He drops his eyebrow. He is а nervous 
and sensitive man with a head in the shape 
of a boiled potato. I think of the woman 
the wig. My imagination presents а vivid 
glimpse of her “unzipping” and "attack- 
ing” Arthur, and the thought crosses my 
mind, if one in my position can talk of 
thoughts, that no woman understands a 
man until she undresses him or no woman 
undresses а man until she understands 
him. One or the other. I do not understand 
men, in spite of everything, and do not 
know which. 

“Be assertive! Maria’s voice comes 
through the door. “Spend your lunch hour 
how you want to!” 


Mike Troy and I drive to Tiburon 


have dinner. 1 gaze into his face. 1 say hi 
skin looks good. He writes something 
down in my notebook. We drive back to 
the city and have a drink at Letty 
O'Doul's, At 2:30 ant., we walk to the door 
of my hotel. He turns to go. He turns back 
We crash into cach other's arms. His chest 


mine with such force that | feel a flash 
of the old Troy, the butterflier, the boy in 
the bursting racing brief, 
moment—the only bearable one in the 
entire evening—I burn with the same fire 
that aroused me to such riot in my 
resplendent youth. Then he goes. I walk 
upstairs to my room. I lie down on the 
bed. I remember he wrote some lines іп 
my notebook. I get up and find it in my 
purse. I lie back down. I open it to the 
page with his handwriting: 


and for а 


EUCERIN 
SKIN CREAM 
FROM ANY 
PHARMACY. 
GET TT OR 
ВЕ OLD, 
. 

Afier lunch, everybody goes back to the 
activities room and Jerry talks about the 
Nobel Peace Prize, and then there is a 
break and after the break is the Love The- 
ater. “This is a really special time we 
reserve for each of you to come up in front 
of the group and enjoy all the power of 
amplified voice,” says Maria. “The way 
we work it is you get the microphone and 
express anything you want.” After about 
20 people express themselves, Maria says 
the expressing has to be cut short because 
“the closing ceremonies are so beautiful.” 

. 

Stan and Helen Dale, the famous 
sexologists, have each other, and Stan also 
has Janet and Helen has Don. 

‘We have what men and women want,” 
says Stan. 

"Yes," says Helen. “L have a date with 
Don this weekend. He's 20 years younger 
than Lam." 

“And I hope she has a great 
Stan. 

“Oh, come on!” I say 

Stan and Helen are ea 


ne," says 


ш at the Hyatt. 


Helen is freckled and has a short blonde 
page boy, a black kimono, gold carrings, 
gold bracelets and glasses on a chain 


around her neck and has been married to 
Stan, a transactional analyst, for 27 years. 
Stan is fat, potbellied, with a large head, 
gray hair, long, bluish eyebrows, a big 
nose and square glasses; he wears a navy- 
blue blazer and а white zip nylon shirt and 
has had a relationship with Janet for the 
past seven years. 

“Look, Jean,” says Stan, “everything 
that comes out of my mouth will be total 
honesty. And if you don't buy it, guess 
what? I can still love you. Г can still love 
the essence of a woman called Jean, who is 
exciting, who is beautiful —” 

“Thank you.” 

“Tm not talking phy: 

“Oh.” 

“Who is this delicious woman, so try 
not to find everything 1 say impossible to 
believe.” 

“Good. Fine. Now, what docs Janet 
think of Helen?" I say. 

“Totally supportive;” says Stan. 

Helen smiles and takes off one of her 
earrings. 

“See, everybody krows everybody,” 


ically.” 


209 


PLAYBOY 


210 


says Stan. “Helen knows Janet. D know 
Don knows Janet. Í know Janet's 
boyfriend Orv. Огу knows Helen: 
“We are the wave of the future," says 
Helen, taking an eyebrow plucker out of 
at men and women 
to want—is to be us." 
says Stan. "We're not lying to 
you! OK, I admit Гус had twinges of jeal- 
ousy. The most recent one was when Janet 
was with Orv, this absolutely gorgeou 
п. Gorgeous! A physically gorgeous 
man. A water skier! He has the right bod 
"The right penis. Larger than mine, proba- 
bly, you know—so now, that twinge 
comes. They were having delicious sex. 
But now they're both i 
So what happens when Janet is ha 
delicious sex with Orv and Helen is ha 
delicious sex with Don? Don't 
lonely?" I 
“But I'm at home with onc of the most 
delicious guys in the world!" says St 
“Tm at home with а man I love, I respect, 
1 admire. And I have wonderful sex with 
him. I can have the most glorious, wonder- 
ful time with myself!” He has a low, 
excited voice with a rich hollowness and а 
bass echo. “As I think of it now," he 
“my body is tingling. 
"Don't you have any flaws?" I say 
“No,” he says. “If 1 did, you кес, Т 
would work on it. 
“He doesn’t have any flaws?" 1 say to 
Helen, 


Helen is 


her make-up bag. “WI 


my life.” 


ving 
you get 


5, 


ng with the 
plucker, trying t fix the bae] 
ring with it, and looks up at Stan 

“No,” she says. 

“Are you sure? 

She puts down the plucker and looks 
ight into his face. He docs not smile, as 
I think he will. 

“No,” she says. 

She blushes. She has a pink complexion 
and is a far from unattractive woman, 

“Does Helen have any flaws?" 1 say. 

“Yes” says Stan. 

‘The check comes. Stan looks at it and 
suddenly stops speaking. We glance at 
cach other at the same moment 

“T never get blown out of shape when a 
n pays for me, Jean,” he says. 

I reach for my purse, Unzip the top. 
posit my notebook. Zip it back up. 

^1 love for à woman to pay for me as 
much as you love а man to pay for you,” 
he says. “Janet paid fora Caribbean crui; 
for me a couple of months ago. And she 
had to go into debt to do it. And she 


eyebrow 
of her ear- 


wom 


is now 
ause 

money she withdrew is income- 
able; you know, that kind of thing. So 
its a double whammy. But that's fine. / 
don't argue. 175 what Janet wants. You 
know. And Helen. She's paying for this 
weekend 
That’s nice,” 1 sa 
Yeah,” says Stan. “The only thing that 
prevents the juice of life is fear.” 

On the way down to the lobby, Stan and 
Helen tell me this could be my life and 


probably going into hock further, be 
the 


that Stan has multiple org 
h the inner 
say goodbye. Stan sta 
А me. Í pat his sh 
Phat’s called burping." 
"Don't hugs feel good to you 
I say hugs feel good with someone I 
now well. 
“Well, what's the difference between my 
and someone's you know well?" 
He advances toward me 
"There's а dillerence,” 1 say, stepping 
ack. 
“W 
г? 
1 step backward. 
“Were your parents huggers?" hi 
“Yes. 
“Did they enjoy hugging?” 
m 
“Did you 
hugged you? 
в. 
Тат nearly to the door. 
“So, somewhere along the line, you hav 
developed a decision not to hug.” 
His face is close to mine, and the long 
blue hairs in his eyebrows stand up. 
“1 cannot hug you and write about 
you,” I say * 
“Oh, yes, you сап. You have my total 
permissie 
tive as yo 
“Thank you very 
I shake his hand, ` 
Affronted, he drops to hi 


ms, and then 
time to 
arms 


ага 


s i?" he says, advancing again. 


says. 


feel suffocated when they 


to be as subjective and objec 


wish." 
nuch.” 


knee 


goodbye a 


kisses my fingers. Helen sa 


Stan says he loves me and 1 am delicious; 


nd I wave to them both ag: 
iss of the door. 


a through the 


. 
bara, the artist, emerges from the 
bathroom while the closing ceremonies are 
going on and meets Elizabeth, a writer, at 
the coffee urn 

bara clasps El 
delicacy of her sentiments. 
" she says. 


beth’s wrist in the 
"T can’t stand 


says Elizabeth. 
cries Barbara. “I had 
ter.” 


What's the matter 
“Its too much! 
h myself with cold w 


“My si beth 

“That man I was standing next to—the 
physician,” says Barbara. 

“He's а nice-looking man,” says 
Elizabeth 

He's attracted to me,” says Barba 

He's а very atuacuve man,” says 
Elizabe 

“What?” says Barbara 

les a very attractive man," says 
Elizabeth. 

"Dm attracted to him, too," says 
а ‘Two white spots appear оп 

s cheeks. 

io back to him," says Elizabeth 
“Wait!” she says. "Let me see how you 
look." 


inllamed. 
lence follows. 


Barbara's face is wet, her сус 
Elizabeth wavers. А long sil 


"What's the m " says Barbara, her 
voice sinking. beth shakes her 
head. . . . Barbara squeezes her hand and 


clivities room. 
А 

А cake for Jerry Lipkin’s birthday is 
brought out during the closing ceremonies, 
nd Bea, a publicist, а tallish, curvy 
woman with a lovely, sharp bust and a flat 
stomach, and Malcolm, a video photogra- 
pher, are in the act of sharing a slice. 

“I hope you leamed something from 
this weekend,” says Malcolm. 

“Like what?" says Be 

“Like you have to 
men you can't have, 


hurries back to the 


р 


stop running after 
says Malcolm, who 
h a long beard and 
| m Гиз hitting you with 
this, Bea, is that Гус known you for five 
years, and Гу 
one man right afte 

Bea laughs softly, but a wrathful flush 
the color of peachblossoms covers her 

“The trouble is, men like me initially 


she “They're incredibly drawn to 
me.” 
“Because of your looks," says Malcolm, 


nd your power areas. You're a very pow- 
erful woman. A very bright 
Sharp. Sexy. Alert. Pa dum! P 
dum! 

“And then something inside me freaks 
them out,” says Bea. “They get real cold 
and rejecting. And instead of leaving, 1 
there.” 

s because 


vou always thi 


there's hope when there isn’t,” says 
Malcolm. 


^ when I lave 


ned and, dropping her 
eves, goes on smiling. 
Malcolm is moved. 
“That's called whipp 
he says gently 


а dead horse,” 


. 

“What do men want?” asks Glenn, а 
genetic scientist who has been to Real 
Men/Real Women four times. ^l don't 
know what men want, / want too much 
from women. I want everything. Abso- 
lutely everything. You name it, | want it. I 
am not stupid enough to want only a little 


о whenever T get involved with a 


8 ys have a sinking feeling. 
Always have it. Because she doesn't have 
hing. Everyone has flaws. I'm per- 
fectly aware everyone has flaws. And that 
is what makes it so impossible.” 

. 

“What do women want? Well, 1 like it 
when a man is hot for me,” says Patsy. 
“Like this one man Гус dated for а year 
and a half. He loves me. He's crazy for me. 
Whenever he sees me, he has a hard-on. 
He's talking to me on the telephone, he's 
got a hard-on. He's driving over to see me, 
he's got а hard-on. When he's with me, we 
make love three times a day." 

“С; Bea. 

There are six of u 
five R 


in Bea's apartment: 
Women and mys 


“His name is Rick," “Three 
times a day. 
Patsy is an executive secretary and 


“Hey, Mac—you know you got a flat?” 


P milky- and dewy-faced, with red lips and a “Не is primitive,” says Patsy. “He's an 
© fawn-tweed business suit. animal. And I fight. 1 fight and he makes 
"He picks me up and carries me me orgasm.” 
M around,” she says, sitting forward on her “Ви is he smart?" asks Bea. “Has he 
> chair and holding her feet close together. evolved a brain?" 
e “If we have a fight and I'm mad at him “Oh! He's extremely brilliant,” says Pat- 
до and I don't want to talk to him, he picks Sy. "Very high Г.О. Very sen: zd 
во me up and puts me in bed. T get up. He And she holds her head to one side, like 
picks me up and puts me back in bed. 1 ег 240%. > 
3 This is enough to make you puke, 
up. He sits on me. He won't let me up till ©, aca 
EU s | says one of the women. 
he’s kissed me and made love to me “And he's rich,” says Patsy. “His house 
passionately and until I finally acquiesce alone is worth $750,000." 
and give in to him," She dips down and opens up her pocket- 
“You are describing the primitive man,” book and takes out a picture and hands it 
says Bea. to Bea. 
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4. Condoms are easy to buy at pharmacies everywhere. 
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212 


“1 have almost passed out at least two or 
three times from my orgasms with him.” 

Bea examines the picture. “He is not 
bad-looking,” she says. 

“I don't care what he looks lik 
woman. “Тһе man is a demigod.” 

“He’s shown me six bankbooks,” says 
Patsy 

“This is what women want,” says Bea. 

“So help me, God, he’s shown me 
bankbooks. Не won't leave me alone 
says Patsy. 

“Women want this,” says Bea. 

“When we get in the car—I am not 
exaggerating—if I don’t put on my seat 
belt, he won't drive.” 

"Lord knows," says Bea, "you can't 
help wishing men would bc something like 
this." 


> says a 


. 

“The women have serenaded the mea 
and the men have serenaded the women 
and the men and women have made two 
concentric circles and beamed their love at 
each other, and now everybody is connect- 
ed. Lam putting away my tape recorder 
when Jerry comes up. 

“Hello, Hugh,” he says into the record- 
cr. Then he says, "You know who I'd like 
to have take this workshop?” 

“Who?” 

“Hugh.” 

“Hugh who?” 

“Hugh! Hugh!” 

“Hugh Hefner at Real Men/Real Wom- 
en?” 

“Yes,” says Jerry. “Hugh amid all the 
love.” 


. 
“But there is 


a battle scene going on out 
there,” says Bea, bringing in more cookies 
and putting them on her coffee table. “And 
we women have been brainwashed. All 
these workshops, encounter groups and 
Real Men/Real Women weekends. They 
tell us the way to get а man is to be open 
and vulnerable. And let out our hearts. So 
we talk about our feclings. Yak. Yak. Yak. 
And the men shit on us without excep- 
tion." 


^ І say. “А woman should have her 


“Absolutely,” says Patsy. 

“A woman must keep her secrets,” 1 say. 

“Absolutely. Absolutely,” says Patsy. 

“Above everything—above sex, even. 
males want females who are mysteriou: 
I say. 

The doorbell rings. My date, Richard, 
arrives. Bea invites him in. He is а hand- 
some man, and the women make room for 
him on the couch, and then Patsy says to 
him, “So what have you always wanted to 
know about women? Now's your chance.” 

Richard shakes his head. 

“Naw,” he says. “Jean's already told me 


everything.” 


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PLAYBOY 


214 


CILAUIDEA. OHARA 


(continued from page 87) 
the U.S., though Claudia was OK'd by 
critical consensus as “charming . . . exqui 
site . . . gorgeous . . . soulful,” and lots 
more, all of it truc. 

А discreet journalist does not ask Ohana 
her opinion of Braga, or vice versa. Offi- 
cially, they are not rivals. They are simply 
two irresistible forces emanating from a 
physically immense country once known 
г for exporting fruit, nuts, coffee and 
bad news. Even so, you look at Claudia 
and remember Sonia. They might be 
sisters—soul sisters, for cert 
at 21, is more than a dozen years у 
er—dark and graceful, with luminous eyes 
and a dewy bloom on her cheeks. 

Innocence, however, is not 
Claudia is all about. She has a child with 
director Guerra, who's 53; their daughter, 
Dandara, is named after the wife of a black 
Brazilian revolutionary. Shrugging off 
conventional queries about unconven- 
tional lifestyles, Claudia laughs a bit deri- 
sively about her last role before Érendira 
he movie was called Paraiba no Rio. 
“Again, 1 was pure and wholesome. 1 
played a blind flower girl who's kind to a 
poor man, like the girl with Chaplin in 
City Lights.” 


what 


Erendira may be the key to changing all 
that. Claudia had a film offer in France 
last year but couldn't accept it because she 
was pregnant, and her portfolio contains 
some photographs taken in Italy for 
another tenuous project with director Lina 
Wertmüller. There's also ап American 
director keenly interested in her. But 
Claudia would like her next move to be in 
theater. “A film actor limits himself too 
much. To be a great actress, you need to 
go on the stage, too. In my profession, I'm 
not here yet. I have just arrived, maybe.” 

All available evidence suggests that 
Ohana has arrived on the right track, Born 
into a family on the inside fringe of show 
business—her father is a painter, her 
mother a prominent film editor who died 
five years ago—she's not yet seasoned 
enough to seriously challenge a bombshell 
such as Braga. But there is plenty of room 
in the movie world for more than one 
South American sensation. As demon- 
strated in their own words and in Rich- 
ard Fegley’s exclusive photographs for 
т.лувоу, both Braga and Ohana are artic- 


ulate, exceptional stars whose screen tri- 
umphs may do much to reshuffle the 
balance of wade between Beverly Hills 
and Rio. 


“Honestly, Norman, you choose the damnedest times for 
‘knock-knock’ jokes." 


SONIA, I3ISA GA. 


(continued from page 86) 
the mainstream and making Braga an 
instant international star. Her subsequent 
films have been The Lady on the Bus, 
Amaldo Jabor's provocative 1 Love You 
and the recent Gabriela, opposite Marcello 
Mastroianni. Despite mixed reviews for 
the pictures, her public is still aroused 
whenever Braga lets off steam. The next 
scheduled eruption will be Kiss of the Spi- 
der Woman, made in English in Brazil, 
starring Sonia in several roles as a movie- 
within-a-movie dream girl who fires up the 
fantasics of two jailbirds, played by Raul 
Julia and William Hurt. 

Why do we dig her? Let me count the 
ways. ТЇЇ до back and recall the third (or 
was it the fourth?) time I met her, while 
doing a cable-TV interview in a New York 
hotel suite a couple of ycars ago. We had 
an ойсатсга translator, a serious lan- 
guage problem and a cameraman so 
entranced by Sonia's body English (well, 
body Portuguese, to be exact) that he had 
us hang around afterward while he spent 
ten minutes just photographing her hands 
Her hands are exquisite, and she uses 
them palms. up, for the most part 


al flags indicating everything fron 
what?" to “God help us” and “Gimme а 
break.” 


We talked, back then, about her reputa- 


tion as the Maril Monroe of South 


America. Palms га 5 a acknowl 
edged some kinship. “Гуе always been 
inspired by what you call sex symbols, 
especially Marilyn Monroe, Mostly, 1 
identify with her off the screen, as someone 
who was а frail, simple, fi 
really very shy." 

Li 
sensation early in her 
her clothes. That 
not for а calendar, however, but in a Bra- 
on of Hair 
Hair. 1% 


as the fi 


e MM, Sonia also created a 
arcer by tal 
өгіс unveiling was 


zili 


m stage produ 
grandfather came tos 
forming nude, and he v 


She con 
about men, women, lov 
“When 1 speak of an с 
doesn’t mean 1 was marri 
of paper. All my ex 
lot of friends. But l'm not sure ГЇЇ marry. 
The qualities I look for in men are the 
same ones I like to find in women—for a 
man, coping with his fragility; for a wom- 
an, coping with her virility. So fragility 
and virili be used as ме 
against cach other. In terms of mother- 
hood, 1 don't know. I wouldn't peer into а 
crystal cady and able. But the 
point is, 1 don’t believe in independent 
production when it comes to maternity.” 
. 

Flash forward to early 1981 and a fast, 
frenetic stopover at Kennedy Airport. En 
route to a holiday in Rome, Sonia had just 


ew by talking 
and marri 
husband, it 
d, with a piece 
nds. [havea 


pons 


There's only one 
way to play it. | 


Wherever the musicis hot, 

the taste is Kool. At any ‘tañ level, 
there's only one sensation, 

this refreshing. 


© 1994 BAW Too. 


Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined 
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health. Milds Kings, 11 mg. "tar", 0 „В mg. nicotine; Filter Kings, 17 mg. “tar”, 
1.1 mg. nicotine av. per cigarette, FIC Report Маг, 84, 


PLAYBOY 


216 


gotten offa plane from Los Angeles, where 
she'd been doing her т.лувоу layout and 
looping her voice onto the sound track of 
Spider Woman. She was dressed in khaki 
traveling clothes, with a sleeveless T-shirt, 
complaining—in vastly improved Eng- 
lish—that she was “jet-lagged.” To me, 
she looked as vibrant as ever. 

She Iso slightly high from having 
seen 40 minutes of the unfinished Spider 
Woman. “It’s a surprise how good it is. 1 
think it will be the best movie I ever made. 
Have you read this Spider Woman, a 
famous book in Brazil? They also made it 
into a play. William Hurt and Raul Julia 
together are great. Can you imagine a man 
like Hurt pretending to be gay? He's a 
homosexual in jail with Raul, a political 
prisoner. The Brazilian people will love it. 
Brazilian people love things that are politi- 
ngs that are gan 
hibited flow of conversation 
was hardly affected by TWA’s announce- 
ment that her Rome flight was over- 


booked. So 


ly dismissed the threat, 
positive that everything would be all right. 
(and it was). She was holding some 
seminude Polaroids up to the light, oblivi- 
ous of the eager, curious stares of several 
male fellow travelers. 

These 1 like very much, these not so 
. . Did you sec the pictures of me 
published in Italy? I was not amused . . . 
they made me so angry." She referred 
to an ltalian men's magazine full of 
outrageous misinformation, among other 
things. "They have me saving | fuck all 
my leading men in my movies! What crazy 
lies; they just invent everything!” 

Our audience of cavesdroppers was 
raptly attentive by the time Sonia switched 
subjects to speak of Brazilian politics. 
Whi ave successfully cl 
lenged a once rigid tradition of censorship, 
Sonia continues to be an outspoken advo- 
cate of freedom in every form—a defender 
of women’s rights, actors’ rights, workers’ 
unions and every individual's right to self- 


much. 


“Of course I'm excited to see you. . . . How do you think 
Í rang your doorbell?” 


fulfill men g or no jet lag, by take 
time, she had improvised a vivid perso 
manifesto worthy of Jane Fonda 

. 

Her mood was relatively calm when we 
n for lunch in a Manhattan res- 
taurant one sweltering summer day. She 
was just back from Rome and thought she 
might want to move there for a while. But 
first, she'd spend a month in New York 
polishing her English (which was getting 
better all the time). Sonia was wearing 
jeans now, with a printed beige blouse, 
and had a long gold snake snapped onto 
her left car. “You like this snake biting my 
car? It’s very expensive. I bought it in 
Rome. But I bought only one.” 

Rome, she confided, ought to be good 
for her, because everyone there was crazy 
They're just like Brazilians. 
you cry when you lose. It's 
like losing your father, losing а friend. The 
loss is a metaphor.” 

While she might make a lightweight 
subject sound serious, Sonia also had a 
knack for treating serious subjects lightly. 
Group therapy, when she described 
unexpectedly assumed the air of a week- 
end outing. “I live alone in Rio and had to 
go to sce what it uas. I went one day а 
week for onths, because we talked, 
talked, talked so much—and I love to talk. 
Besides, 1 must lecam everything through 
experience. І had no school after 1 was 14. 
My college was movies, just movies.” 

Her fondness for talk propels Sonia into 
conversations with travelers, fans, even 
total strangers who approach her on the 
Street. Here's one star who doesn't mind 
going public. “People don't bother me. 
Maybe I bother people with my talk. 1 ат 
the people. When a person like me 
becomes an actor and begins to live life as 
a star, it's no longer real. | love it when 
people stop and recognize me." 

In the widc-open world of Sonia Braga, 
even she sometimes seems like another 
person to tbe woman behind the myth. 
“That one up on the screen, my profes- 
sional self, she's not me. She's like my best 
friend sometimes. She thinks about her 
carcer, about sex, many things . . . she 
knows what she did for me also, and 1 
know it. Too many actors think all the 
time about I, Г.Т. . . only themselves. Ве 
ter to speak of the economy, philosophy, 
flowers. But not drugs. 1 am against drugs. 
Look at me. I have energy. I speak, I dance, 
I get high on life. . . . " She paused, 
swiftly pressing a slender palm to her 
cheek. "Oh, my God, you don't wear a 
watch. You will miss your next appoint- 
ment. What time is it?" 

Much too late. But who cared? Getting 
high on Braga is fantastically casy to do. 
And before Sonia's through with you, all 
the effusive praise of her sexy, spontanc- 
ous, life-enhancing aura begins to smack 
of simple common sense. 


E 


Are you laying out good money today 
for avideo system that won't be 
good enough for tomorrow? 


Panasonic gives you a portable VHS™ recorder 
with true Hi-Fi sound. An Auto Focus camera that 
records in extreme low light. Automatically. 
Outdoors. Indoors. Now. And years from now. 


Introducing the Panasonic Hi-Fivideo recorder PV-9600. 
And color/sound camera PK-958. So sophisticated they 
have everything you could want in a video system. 


Connect the camera to the lightweight portable 
recorder. The camera focuses automatically. Even lets 
you record weddings, birthday parties and other special 
moments. Without special lights. Touch a button for 
instant replay. Right in the camera. 


8-hour recording. No other system has more. 


Slide the recorder onto its compact tuner-timer. Co 
nects automaticall N. $ ап record 


eight hours of TV on a single cassette. Even program it 
to record up to eight TV shows. Over a two-week period 
while you're away. 

And whether you're recording a high-stepping pro 
halfback. Or your child's first steps. You'll enjoy watch- 
ing them even more with jitter-free special effects. Like 
slow motion. Or stop motion. Thanks to Tech-4. Our 
four-head playback technology. 


VHS Hi-Fi. Sound that goes beyond stereo. 


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. And here tomorrow. 


just slightly ahead of our time. 


No other Canadian feels as 
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ON-THE 


IPIE AY BOY 
“SCENE 


GEAR 
FIFTY-YARD BASH 


uckle down, Winsocki; and bulldog, bulldog, rah, rah, 
rah! Pregame football roistering has its own set of liquid 
ground rules—and, of course, that includes toasts to 
great gridiron victories of the past and bad luck to your 
current collegiate enemies. Some dedicated tail-gaters even 
tote candelabras and crystal to the festivities. While that's not 


Below: That white box at 12 o'clock is a thermoelectric refrigerator/ 
warmer that operates on A.C. or your car battery, by Brinsdon, $139.95. 
Continuing clockwise: Porto-Vino holds two bottles and includes 
a chiller and two glasses, by Ingrid, $40. Next are three glass flasks 
with drinking-cup tops that all fit into an Italian-leather zippered 
case with COGNAC, GIN and WHISKY 
embossed on it, from “i santi,” 
Chicago, $56. Toshiba's Model 
CA-045 monitor color TV, with a 


everyone's cup of cheer, itis more fun to watch a game when 
armed with the right bibbing accouterments. A thermoelectric 
refrigerator that plugs into your car's cigarette lighter ensures 
that your case of frosties won't lose its chill before the end 
of the first half. And for those diehards who never make it 
to the grandstand, there's even a portable TV. Boola! Boola! 


four-and-one-half-inch screen, features electronic tuning with a 
color-search LED indicator, $459.95. That stainless-steel vacuum bottle 
holds one quart and has a wide mouth for ice cubes, by Nissan, $40, 
including an adjustable carrying strap. Le Petite Barrique, a Limousin- 
oak-and-brass barrel, holds 175 liters of A. Hardy grand-fine-extra 
cognac, from Chateaux 

Brands, Pomona, New 
York, $275. (Wool blanket 
from Eddie Bauer, Chicago.) 


GROOMING 


DOLLARS AND SCENTS 


here's something potent about а man with the scent 
of success. His aroma wasn’t built in a day and, we 
hasten to add, he knows that wearing no cologne at 
all is not the way to convince the world that he's 


stinking rich. Our tour of uncommon scents spans a price 
and potency spectrum. Guerlain’s Imperiale eau de cologne 


is a fresh, citrusy splash that’s $33 for about eight ounces, 
while the myrrh, sandalwood and other oils and essences 
found in Bijan, Perfume for Men make it the king of dollars 
and scents. The price: 1500 big ones for six ounces in a num- 
bered Baccarat crystal bottle. At $250 per ounce, it tallies up 
to not much less than the price of gold. Get a whiff of that! 


From far left to right: Guerlain’s Imperiale eau de cologne in a Napoleonic Йасоп, $33 for about eight ounces. А black flask of citrus- 
scented Eau d'Osman, from Jean Laporte, L'Artisan Parfumeur, New York, $25 for about two ounces. Bijan, Perfume for Men, 
$1500 for six ounces, comes with a Lloyd's of London individual insurance certificate that covers the bottle and the perfume against 


theft or damage. Eau de Toilette Santos de Cartier, a scent in a brushed-steel-and-gill case that protects a refillable crystal flacon, from Cartier, 
New York, $100 for about three ounces. Patou Pour Homme Cologne, a woodsy, spicy splash, by Jean Patou, $50 for four ounces. Hermés 
Equipage, an eau de toilette of herbs and spices, $40 for 6.5 ounces. Last, J.H.L. custom-blended cologne, by Aramis, $60 for five ounces. 


Олло JORDANO 


222 


ROCK VIDEO OF AGES 
Those of you who want to add Throbbing Gristle Live at Kezar, Public 
Image Live in Tokyo or The Residents in The Mole Show / Whatever Hap. 
pened to “Vileness Fats" to your burgeoning rock-vidco collection can con- 
tact Playings Hard to Get, P.O. Box 50493, Pasadena, California 91105 
It's a mail-order firm that boasts the “largest selection of music video 
tapes legally available,” and its $3 catalog certainly attests to that. In addi- 
tion, it offers tapes of music-oriented flicks such as The Wild, Wild World of 
Jayne Mansfield, The James Dean Story and How to Stuff a Wild Bikini, the 
last featuring four—count ‘ет, four— PLAYROY Playmates. Yeceow! 


YONE FEEL 
A DRAFT? 
‘The next time you and the 
gang get together for an 
afternoon of pro pigskin 
and brews, try adding a lit- 
Ue financial excitement to 
the procecdings with the 
American Draft Game, in 
which up to six “coaches” 
“draft” teams from the 
F.L. pool of play- 
to-week stand- 


entiri 
ers. W 
ings are tabulated on the 
basis of the accumulated 
points scored by the players 
on each coach's 
and the championship goes 
to the coach who has an cye 
for the top potential players 
on the basis of their previ- 
ous performance. Best of 
all, the game is simple and 

и: $14.95, 
sent to American Dra 
Game, 233 South 
Rogue River Highw 
Grants Pass, Oregon 97527 
We'll take Walter Payton, 
Walter Payton, Walter 
Payton and Walter Payton. 
! : Your turn, Bubba 


the price is ri 


TRAVELER’S CHECK LIST 


Tales for Travellers is an idea whose time 
has come: a decent dozen unabridged 
short stories—including Rudyard 
Kipling's The Gardener, William Trevor's 
Going Home and Edith Wharton's Roman 
Fever—packaged in a box set, with cach 
folded like а road map for casy commuter 
reading. What’s even more pleasant is the 
price: just $9.50, postpaid, sent to Tales 
for Travellers, 333 Randolph Street 
Napa, California 94559. How civilized 


FLING THING 


Man's second-oldest outdoor sport— 
flinging a flat rock across а body of 
water—has gone high tech in the form of 
Orbiter World-Class Skipping Stones, 
molded, silver-dollar-sized skimmers that 


take off like flying fish and skip 25 to 35 
ti 


before going under. A container of 
20 stones, plus a rubber mold for you to 

make more, is only $7.95, sent to Orbiter 
Stones, P.O. Box 1161, Tacoma, Wash- 

ington 98401. Hop to it 


THE SKY'S THE LIMIT 


If you've ever wanted to take 
ol and make like a junior 
birdman aboard a military jet, 
have we got a two-day junket 
for you. For $2500, Chapin 
Chalmer Travel Services, P.O. 
Box 1509, Placentia, California 
92670, will put you aboard an 
AT-6 military trainer (flown 
by a veteran pilot) Гога day- 
one orientation program of for- 
mation take-ofls and flying. 
Day two is when the fun really 
begins; that’s when you climb 
aboard а wo-place T-33 jet 
fighter for an aerial adventure 
that includes а simulated com- 
bat sortie. We'll watch 


LAUGH, CLOWN, 
LAUGH 
“The end of childhood is when 
things cease to astonish us,” 
wrote Eugène Ionesco; and if 
that’s true, anyone who writes 
away for The Whole Mirth Cat 
alog is going to be young for- 
ever. One dollar sent to it 
at 1034 Page Street, San Fran- 
cisco 94117, gets vou two mail- 
order catalogs crammed with 
more goofy yoks than a Three 
Stooges movie. Ron Reagan 
paper dollars, a giralle mitten, 
an asparagus pen, a fairy- 
godmother rubber stamp- 
Say, who owns this company, 
anyway? Jerry Lewis? 


RABID TO THE 
RESCUE 


No burglar would believe a 
sign that reads DANGER MAN 
ткр, but he just might think 
twice before going for the fam- 
ily jewels found on a premises 
posted with BREAK IN/MAKE HIS 
лап 11" x 14” metal sign 
depicting a rabid-looking 
Doberman, which B & D 
Associates, Р.О. Box 13230, 
Las Vegas, Nevada 89112, is 
selling for $6.95, postpaid. For 
the wild bunch, В & D also 
stocks а cold-eyed gentleman 
staring you down with a s 
nosed revolver while issuing 
the invitation BREAK IN/MAKE MY 
DAY: It seems like overkill to us. 


EAT THIS! 


Want to let your Bit-O-Honey know that you've 
got the Red Hots for her? Or are you into a 
Dynamints divorce from a real Milk Duds? 
Munchable Messages, 732 Elm Sweet, Winnetka, 
Illinois 60093, customizes your sentiments—from 
Sugar Babies greetings to Sour Balls goodbyes: 
for a price that's not too Munch: only $16.95 per 
message on a 10” x 16" card. (Quantity 
announcements go for less per card, so write for 
details.) If that doesn't give you Good & Pl 
enough Raisin to order, you definitely ain't 
a Hot Tamales, Tootsie. 


EAGER BEAVER 
Before Little Annie 
Beaver, а young, 
whom Harvey Kurtzman 


Fanny, there was Goodman 
с man-child 
nd Will Elder brought 


blond and na 


Kitchen wo Swamp Road, Prine 
as republished four bl: 
and-white Beaver stories, parodying such dive 
topics as Tarzan, TV, Superman and America’s 
fascination with guns, in a softcover volume for 
$10.95 or a signed-and-numbered hardcover one 
for $26. We all know that from little acorns, 
bouncy, buxom blondes doth grow 


223 


GRAPEVINE 


Gloria in Excelsis 

As most of you know, author/editor/feminist GLORIA STEINEM had a 50th birthday 
party, which was also a fund raiser for the Ms. Foundation, last spring in New York. It 
was a very chic gathering as well as a sentimental one, though the photographers were 
out in droves. More than one of them caught this happy moment between Steinem and 
her sister. You'll get no editorializing from us. If 50 looks like this, we say, “Right оп!” 


Idol Threat 


Say what you will about his act, but BILLY 
IDOL is hot. It started with Rebel Yell—the 
song and the video—and kicked into high gear 
last summer, when he had three albums on the 
charts at the same time and a tour that broke 
records all over the country. He was even seen 
utographing a fan's breast. Ah, fame! 


A Miller's Tale 


We'll let you take a good long look at 
actress MINDI MILLER and decide for 
yourselves: 15 it environment or hered- 
ity? Miller appeared on TV in Flamingo 
Road and in the films Paternity, Hercules 
1983 and Brian de Palma's new Body 
Double. Now that we've seen her again, 
she'll be appearing regularly in our 
fantasies. 


OK, Let's Hit 
It: We 
Wanna Alana 


You'd think that she 
would be gun-shy, but 
ALANA HAMILTON 
STEWART says she 
wants a new husband 
and another child. “1 
want a bigger fami 
andi will never go back 
to the life 1 had with 
Rod. Living out of suit- 
cases wasn't for me,” 
she says. 


ж 


Jillianth Time 


Меле developed 
a soft spot for ac- 
tress ANN ИШ- 
AN. She’s so cute 

that we always feel 

giving her, er, cheeks a 

pinch. You have to begin 
somewhere, right? 


It's Better 
to Gibb 


This wet look be- 
longs 10 actress 
CYNTHIA GIBB. If 
you missed her on 
Search for Tomor- 
row and haven't yet 
spotted her оп 
Fame, discover her 
now and feel better. 


Say Hello to the 

Boys and Their Toys 
This slightly disreputable group of 
guys is the SCORPIONS, a heavy- 
metal band whose most recent 
album, Love at First Sting, reached 
the top ten last spring. In spite of 
the fact that the band has had trou- 
ble with airplay because of ques- 
tionable lyrics, singer Klaus Meine 
says, “We all like girls, . . . Some- 
times, though, the animal does 


2% 


МЕХТ МОМТН 


CHRISTIE BRINKLEY 


CINEMA SEX 


“CITIZEN HUGHES, PART ONE"—YOUVE READ ALL 
THE FACTUAL—AND FANCIFUL—ACCOUNTS OF THE 
BIZARRE BILLIONAIRE'S LIFE AND TIMES, BUT NONE IS 
MORE ASTONISHING THAN THIS PORTRAIT OF POWER 
GONE WILD. AN EXPOSE THAT'S SURE TO HAVE РО- 
LITICAL REPERCUSSIONS IN THIS ELECTION YEAR—BY 
MICHAEL DROSNIN 


“SEX ІМ CINEMA—1984"—OUR ANNUAL GUIDE ТО 
WHAT'S BEEN GOOD, BAD AND BEAUTIFUL ON THE 
SILVER SCREEN, FROM MARIA CONCHITA ALONSO ТО 
PIA ZADORA. BRING YOUR OWN POPCORN! 


"WHAT 1 LEARNED AT SEA"—HE HAD THE BEST 
JOB ON EARTH—PLAYBOY'S TRAVEL EDITOR—AND 
CHUCKED IT TO SAIL AROUND THE PLANET. A WISE 
AND WONDERFUL REPORT ON EVERY MAN'S FANTASY 
ADVENTURE—BY REG POTTERTON 


SUPERAGENT LEIGH STEINBERG TELLS HOW HE 
MADE QUARTERBACK STEVE YOUNG FISCALLY FIT IN 
А MILLION-DOLLAR “20 QUESTIONS" 


UFE ITSELF 


“LIFE ITS OWNSELF”—IN A TALL TEXAS TALE BY THE 
AUTHOR OF SEMI-TOUGH, BILLY CLYDE PUCKETT RE- 
TURNS TO HELP RECRUIT A MOBILE HEISMAN TROPHY 
NAMED TONSILLITIS JOHNSON—BY DAN JENKINS 


“VETERANS OF THE SEXUAL REVOLUTION"—IT'S 
TIME WE HONORED THE HEROES OF THE LEAST CIVIL 
WAR SINCE THE ONE BETWEEN THE STATES, SAYS 
WILLIAM J. HELMER 


*THE BIG KILL"—DREAMS DIE HARD, BUT THE WORK 
ETHIC THAT HAS ALWAYS BEEN THE BASIS OF THE 
AMERICAN DREAM IS BEING REPLACED BY THE DRIVE 
TO HIT IT BIG JUST ONCE—IN THE SINGLE STROKE ОР 
GENIUS THAT CAN TURN A PET ROCK INTO AN AVA- 
LANCHE OF GOLD—BY WILLIAM BRASHLER 


PLUS: A NEWS-MAKING PLAYBOY INTERVIEW WITH 
SALVADORAN PRESIDENT JOSÉ NAPOLEÓN DUARTE; 
“VEDDY BRITISH, VEDDY BRINKLEY," STARRING THE 
FASHIONABLE CHRISTIE BRINKLEY; PLAYBOY'S MU- 
SIC POLL 1984; AND MUCH, MUCH MORE 


Capture the night life. 
The high-performance X700. 


You can handle anything— in And when the night life 

any light — with the Minolta begins, just slip on the 

X-100 Program System. Minolta PX flash and turn on 
In Program mode, you set the Program. 

nothing — even in flash! The The X-700 does the rest. 

system does it all Programs perfect exposures by 
In Automatic mode. you reading and controlling the 


select the aperture to soften or light as the film is exposed. 


sharpen the background. The Gives you flash pictures so nat- 


system selects the shutter ural they don't look like flash 

speed. pictures. No wonder the X-700 
In Manual mode, you — and is the only camera ever voted 

your imagination — control "Camera of the Year” on two 

everything! continents 

Be certain that the valuable Minolta U.S.A. 2-year camera/5- ycar lens limited warranty cards are 


packaged with your products For more information, see your Minolta dealer or write Minolta Corp., 
101 Willams Drive, Ramsey NI, 07446 In Canada, Minolta Canada, Inc, Ontario. © 1984, Minolta Corporation. 


Seethe high-performance 
Х-700 at your Minolta dealer. 
Explore the possibilities. 


0 


MINOLTA 


wara ra 
аъ й MM 
ONLY FROM THE 
MIND OF MINOLTA 


9:15 mg-mieoting, 
Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined «me. nic garatte, FIC Report Ма 


That Cigarette Smoking ls Dangerous to Your Health. LE 
2 Тен о —F 


100% Вох 


“If you smoke.: 


„please try Carlton 1005 Box. 


Box King—lowest of all brands—less than 0.01 mg. tar, 0.002 mg. nic. 


Carlton is lowest. В