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THE FEMINIST LOBBY: WHAT ELSE DO WOMEN WANT? 


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THERE ARE THOSE who watch television only for 60 Minutes. There 
are those who read т.лувоу only for the Interview. Our March 
issue is dedicated to all six of you. We had always been curious 
about what went on behind the scenes of America's most popular 
TV news magazine. It scemed only natural that the Playboy 
Interview finally go mano a mano with the other guys. Morgan 
Strong sat for days and weeks with the Mount Rushmore visages 
of Sunday-night T V— Ed Bradley, Diane Sawyer, Morley Safer, Harry 
Recsoner, producer Don Hewitt and Mike Wallace. We can hear the 
stop watch ticking. . . - 

This is an issue of the best at their trade. John D. MacDonald 
returns to PLAYBOY after a ten-ycar hiatus with an excerpt from 
the 21st Travis McGee novel (soon to be published by Alfred A 
Knopf). The Lonely Silver Rain unveils a surprise in the life of 
America's favorite beach bum, MacDonald's last appearance in 
PLAYBOY was with The Taste of Gravy, in June 1974. Rounding out 
the fiction is a story by George V. Higgins, Mother's Day, about a 
prostitute with a taste for pain who catches the police with the 
wrong pair of pants down, 

Not all women wear leather and carry whips, but there are 
some who are almost as dangerous as those who do. John Gordon, 
author of The Myth of the Monstrous Male and Other Feminist 
Fables, takes a look at feminist-action groups and finds that our 
former bedfellows—er, bedpersons—make strange politicians. 
His analysis of antimale sexism, What Else Do Women Want?, is 
bound to cause controversy. Last November, Harper's magazine 
sponsored a symposium on “The Place of Pornography.” The 
feminist fringe—from Midge Decter to Susan Brownmiller— 
had a fine day for the feeble-minded. Editor-Publisher Hugh M. 
Hefner responds in a special Media column. 

Wi we are on the topic of controversy, we'd like to know 
whether or not it's true that Grace Jones and sprinter Carl Lewis arc 
onc and the same person. Have you ever seen them together? 
What we scem to have is a cosmic confusion. Roy Blount Jr. sug- 
gests a solution with The Repackaging of Carl Lewis, illustrated 
by John O'Leary. Maybe Lewis needs a new image maker. In 20 
Questions, Bill Zehme checks in with Bob Giraldi, the guy who 
directed Michael Jackson's videos, the flaming-hair commercial 
and the Redney Dangerfield Lite Beer ads. You can't Beat It. 

Ifyou aren't plugged into MTV, you're probably at your ter- 
minal. Senior Staff Writer Rebert E. Carr is our resident 
technonerd. Type Dirty to Me (with illustration by Olivia De 
Berardinis) shows that man does not interface by shielded 
cable alone but is using the electronic billboards to get sex 
Tickle her bits. If you think software is sexy, be sure to check out 
four Playmates of the Year in Understudies, a lingerie pictorial 
assembled by photographer Stan Malinowski and Associate Photo 
Editor Janice Moses. For those of you who like your sex from more 
conventional sources, we present a portfolio of Sex in the Comics, 
from a Chelsea House book by Maurice Hern. 

We suppose there are some of you whose thoughts run less to 
the great indoors than to the great outdoors. Especially for you, 
we have a pictorial of a lady from Alaska named Toni Westbrook. 
Her good looks may cause a new rush to the Yukon, Let's see: If 
ht to Juneau via Des Moines, then back through 
Milwaukee, with connections in Duluth, we could get a few thou- 
sand extra miles on our frequent-flier program. Sound familiar? 
Our financial guru, Andrew Tobias, investigates the world of 
frequent-flier programs in Dollars in the Sky, which shows you 
how to turn those miles into cash. Readers utilizing more down- 
to-earth modes of locomotion may prefer Playboy's Guide to 
Wheels. 

If you plan on staying up late reading this issue or staring at 
your personal computer, prepare yourself The Midnight Special, 
with help from our resident gourmet, Emanuel Greenberg. Then 
take a look at Playmate Donne Smith, and start dreaming. 


PLAY BILL 


O'LEARY 


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You'll find that gold rum makes а Ë y smooth drink—on the rocks, 
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If you're still drinking Canadian, bourbon or blended whiskey, it’s because you 


haven't tasted Puerto Rican gold rum. THE GOD RUMS OF P TO RICO 


PLAYBOY 


vol. 32, no. 3—march, 1985 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE 
IPEAYBILU Ус. eret E E E euer dee, 3 
IDEAR PLAYBOY..... 9 
PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS . . 13 
SPORTS. . -.. DAN JENKINS 32 


TRAVEL . STEPHEN BIRNBAUM 33 
35 
37 
THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR ....... oe ing gear ama ean = 39 
DEAR PLAYMATES. S n i ona EREK EEE TEE 43 
[THEIPÜAYBOYIFORUM че ee 45 
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: “60 MINUTES"— candid conversation..................-- 51 
WHAT ELSE DO WOMEN МАМТ?—езѕау..................... JOHN GORDON 66 
RANGER IN PARADISE- pictorial . eeclesie 70 
THE REPACKAGING OF CARL LEWIS—humor 76 репин Folies 


HIGH-END HI-Fi—modern living. 
MOTHER'S DAY—fiction ...... k 


. NORMAN EISENBERG 80 
- GEORGE V. HIGGINS 84 


COOKIN'—playboy's playmate of the month ........................-.-- 88 
PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES—humor ........... 56 TBE OO E 102 
TYPE DIRTY TO ME-arlide "l. eese ROBERT E. CARR 104 
20 QUESTIONS: BOB GIRALDI................ gr 106 
SEXJINITHEICOMICS humor 2E ne ee MERE T 108 
THE MIDNIGHT SPECIAL—food........ усе EMANUEL GREENBERG 114 
THE LONELY SILVER RAIN—fiction..............-.-- - JOHN D. MACDONALD 116 
'UNDERSTUDIES—pictorial 118 


QUARTERLY REPORTS: DOLLARS IN THE SKY—arti 
PLAYBOY GUIDE: WHEELS 


. ANDREW TOBIAS 131 


BERNARD AND НИЕҮ—за!ге.................................- JULES FEIFFER 165 
PLAYBOY ON THE СЕМЕ 222 Е e n EL m een 193 
COVER STORY 


Tweed has never quite caught on in lingerie, but this month's cover— 
produced by Associote Pholo Editor Janice Moses and shot by Stan 
Molinowski—is going to change all that. Playmate of the Year 1982 
Shannon Tweed is just a hint of what's to come in Understudies, an intimate 
pictorial in which she's joined by three cohorts, beginning on page 118. 


PLAYBOY 


6 


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PLAYBOY 


HUGH M. HFFNER 
editor and publisher 


NAT LEHRMAN associate publisher 
ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director 
‘TOM STAEBLER art director 
GARY COLE photography director 
G. BARRY GOLSON executive editor 


EDITORIAL 
NONFICTION: JAMES MORGAN articles edilor; ROB 
FLEDER senior editor; FICTION: ALICE К. TURNER 
editor; TERESA GROSCH associate editor; PLAYBOY 
GUIDES: MAURY Z. Levy. editor; WEST COAST: 
STEPHEN RANDALL editor; STAFF: WILLIAM J 
HELMER, GRETCHEN MCNEESE, PATRICIA FAPANGE- 
us (administration), DAVID STEVENS senior edi- 
lors; ROBERT E. CARR, WALTER LOWE, JR., JAMES R. 
PETERSEN, JOHN REZEK senior slaff writers; KEVIN 
COOK, BARBARANELLIS, DAVID NIMMORS, KATENOLAN, 
JE O'CONNOR, SUSAN MARGOLIS: WINTER (пеш york) 
associate editors; MONA PLUMER assistant editor; 
MODERN LIVING: ED WALKER associate 
editor; JIM BARKER assistant editor; FASHION: 
HOLLIS WAYNE editor; HOLLY BINDERUP assistant edi 
lor; CARTOONS: MICHELLE URRY editor; COPY: 
ARLENE BOURAS editor; JOYCE RUBIN assist- 
ant editor; NANCY BANKS, CAROLYN BROWNE, 
PHILLIP COOPER, JACKIE JOHNSON. MARCY MAR 
CHI, MARY ZION researchers; CONTRIBUTING 
EDITORS: ASA BABER, STEPHEN BIRNBAUM (travel), 
JOHN BLUMENTHAL, E. JEAN CARROLL, LAURENCE 
GONZALES, LAWRENCE GROBEL, D. KEITH MANO, ANSON 
MOUNT, PETER ROSS RANGE, DAVID RENSIN, RICHARD 
RHODES, JOHN SACK, TONY SCHWARTZ, DAVID STAND- 
ISH, BRUCE WILLIAMSON (movies), GARY WITZENBURG 


ART 
КЕМІС POPE managing director; CHET SUSKI, LEN 
WILLIS senior directors; BRUCE HANSEN, THEO KOU 
VATSOS associate directors; KAREN GAEBE, KAREN 
GUTOWSKY junior directors; JOSEPH PACZEK 
assistant direclor; FRANKLINDNER, DANIEL REED, ANN 
SEIDL art assistants; SUSAN HOLMSTROM fraffic coor- 
dinator; BARBARA HOFFMAN administrative manager 


PHOTOGRAPHY 
MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast editor; JEFF COHEN 
Senior edilor; LINDA KENNEY, JAMES LARSON, JANICE 
MOSES, MICHAEL ANN SULLIVAN associate editors; 
PATTY BEAUDET assistant еди POMPEO POSAR Sen- 
ior staff photographer; DAVID MECEY, KERRY MORRIS 
staff photographers; DAVID CHAN, RICHARD FEGLEY, 
ARNY FREYTAG, RICHARD IZUI, LARRY L. LOGAN, KEN 
MARCUS, STEPHEN WAYDA contribuling Phologra 
hers; TRIA HERMSEN, ELYCE KAPOLAS, PATRICIA 
TOMLINSON stylists; JAMES WARD color lab supervi- 
от; ROBERT CHELIUS business manager 


PRODUCTION 
JOHN MASTRO director; MARIA MANDIS manager; 
ELFANORE WAGNER, JODY JURGETO, RICHARD 
QUARTAROLI, RITA JOHNSON assistants 


READER SERVICE 
CYNTHIA LACEY-SIKICH manager 


CIRCULATION 
RICHARD SMITH director; ALVIN WIEMOLD subscrip- 
tion manager 


ADVERTISING 
CHARLES M. STENTIFORD director 


ADMINISTRATIVE 
у P. TIM DOLMAN assistant publisher; MARCIA 
TERRONES rights €? permissions manager; EILEEN 
KENT contracts administrator. 


PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES, INC. 
CHRISTIE HEFNER president 


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Oooh. Bécause only Kahlua tastes like Kahlúa, what it dges.toxCoffee is warming and 
wonderful. Just: splashan ounce of Kahlüa in your favorite coffee(decaffeinated's fine too). And 
do send for our recipe book: Its'brimming with.deliciots Kahlúa ideas. And its on us. 
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DEAR PLAYBOY 


ADDRESS DEAR PLAYBOY 
PLAYBOY BUILDING 
919 N. MICHIGAN AVE. 
CHICAGD, ILLINOIS 60611 


MR. AND MRS. MCC 
Thank you for the most interesting and 
detailed interview with the magical Paul 
and Linda McCartney I have ever read. 
December’s Playboy Interview shows the 
very human side ofthis fabulously creative 
partnership. I know that Paul does all 
the songwriting and most of ıhe singing, 
but it's obvious from your Interview that 
Linda has had a very stable, creative 
impact on him. There is no equal to Paul 
McCartney's talent, dedication and musi- 
cal virtuosity in the rock world, and I am 
continually stunned by him. Thanks again 
fora great Interview with the McCartneys! 
Jeff Silva 
“Tacoma, Washington 


What a relief to find that Paul McCart- 
ney is a human being after all! A wonder- 
ful, honest Interview with two wonderful, 
honest people. 
Steven Lianides 
Farmington, Connecticut 


Congratulations to you and to Joan 
Goodman for a warm and honest Playboy 
Interview. Thanks also to Paul and Linda 
for all the great music and memories 
they've given us through the years. 
Scott L. Spencer 
Dallas, Texas 


I was most anxious to read your Inter- 
view with Paul and Linda McCartney, 
having read scores of magazine articles 
and books on Paul and the other Beatles. 1 
have been a Beatles fan from the moment 1 
first saw them on The Ed Sullivan Show. 
Now I feel that—for the first time—Paul’s 
story of the group, from inception to 
demise, has been honestly told. I don't 
know how you and Joan Goodman did it, 
but yours is the first interview with Paul 
that reveals his opinions, not those that are 
fed to the public by various sources. I now 
have a different and much-improved opin- 
ion of the McCartneys. It amazes me that 
PLAYBOY continually leads the way with 
Interviews of personalities who have 


shunned publicity or been poorly por- 
trayed elsewhere. Keep up the good work! 
Steven E. Clinton 
Orange, California 


ONE'S A WOW 
In the seven years I’ve been reading 
your magazine, I have seen few pictorials 
that can compare to Suzanne Take Two 
(eLaybox, December). Suzanne Somers is 
in fine form. Your opening shot of her is the 
most alluring photo I have seen in any 
magazine. I wasn’t a fan of Miss Somers’, 
but that has now changed. Thank you for 
a most pleasant conversion, 
Robert W. Blackman 
Portland, Oregon 


On your December cover, you say, 
ZANNE SOMERS’ ALL-NEW PICTORIAL REVEALS 
ALL" T bought the magazine and quickly 
shot to page 120, only to find that about 
ten percent of “all” is missing. If this letter 
is published, Ill never know about it. 

David P. Souter 


Justice, Ilinois 


I have always thought that Suzanne 
Somers is one of the world’s most beautiful 
women; therefore, I must thank you for 
bringing her to me in what is perhaps 
PLAYBOY'S most stimulating pictorial ever. 
It’s photographic magic! 

Mike Nicholls 
Windsor, Ontario 


BONZAI! 

When I heard that Ron Reagan had 
taken up journalism, I said to myself, 
“Quit dancing, take up writing. Just like 
that. Sure!” But I was wrong. His com- 
mentary on the Democratic Convention 
(While the Democrats Slept, PLAYBOY, 
December) is both insightful and original. 
Good show. 

Leonard Olk 
Vernon, Connecticut 


I object to the presence, the inclusion— 
the very existence, in fact—ofan article by 


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PLAYBOY 


10 


young Ron Reagan in rLwBOYS gala 
Christmas special. To publish the dreck 
promulgated by this fellow is an insult to 
such superior writers as Mario Puzo, 
Ed McBain, your own fearless Anson 
Mount and the estimable Roy Blount Jr. 
Young Ron, the self-proclaimed practi- 
tioner of Bonzo Journalism, has one too 
many consonants in his designation. 
Michael X. Marinelli 
Atlanta, Georgia 


WHO'S WHO IN FASHION 

Tam writing to congratulate you for the 
excellent fashion feature The Spirit of 85 
in the January PLAYBOY. I am sure you are 
already aware that Giorgio Armani's pho- 
tograph appcars on thc page with an outfit 
by Perry Ellis. I point out such a small 
detail only because I always find the qual- 
ity of your features very high and I'd like 
to sce you continue to keep such high 
standards. 


Gabriella Forte 
Giorgio Armani Corporation 
New York, New York 
While we were trying on our dashing dud: 
by Armani (left) and Ellis (right), elves in 


leisure suits broke in and cobbled up the 
works. Sorry, gentlemen. 


DOLLAR DAZE 
Michael Drosnin’s Citizen Hughes 
(рглүвоу, November and December) is one 
of the most masterful word portraits that 1 
have ever seen. While terrible, it is also 
fascinating. I feel a horrified compassion 
for Howard Hughes. Thank you for giving 
me this insight into an unknown —until 
now— man of our times. 
Harriet Pickering 
New York, New York 


THE FREEDOM OF 7-ELEVEN 

Recently, 1 was on the West Coast to 
visit friends. While there, I patronized a 
7-Eleven store with the express purpose of 
purchasing a copy of PLAYBOY. There was a 
slight problem: A picket line had been 
established in front of the store. The pick- 
eters were demonstrating their extreme 
displeasure that the store was selling por- 
nographic material; рілувоу and Penthouse 
were both described as such. Undaunted, 
I pressed on and purchased the magazinc. 
Feeling a bit playful, I decided to rcad it on 
the hood of my car. All hell broke loose. It 
was brought to my attention that (1) the 
picketers felt that I wasa pervert; (2) there 
was a massive anti-7-Eleven campaign 


afoot because the store carried PLAYBOY, et 
al.; (3) a certain Reverend Mr. Wildmon 
was going to save people like me from the 
ravages of PLAYBOY; (4) the aforementioned 
magazine is anti-Christian; and (5) even 
though I am a doctoral candidate in statis- 
tics at KSU, I would be a stupid s.o.b. 
for patronizing 7-Eleven and purchasing 
PLAYBOY. Realizing that I wasn't getting 
anywhere—even logicians use logic only 
as a source of income—I politely told the 
pickets to fuck off. My questions are, How 
widespread is this boycott? Who is this 
Reverend Mr. Wildmon? How does one 
make him and his followers go away? I 
wish you luck with the boycott and com- 
pliment you on your magazine. It is one of 
the few that I purchase. 

James S. White 

Junction City, Kansas 

James, we thank you for the gesture and the 
compliment. Well answer your questions in 
order. 

1. The boycott you encountered is not wide- 
spread, but it’s hard to tell how far these 
things can go. Have you read “Fahrenheit 
451"? 

2. Donald Wildmon is a minister from 
Tupelo, Mississippi. He heads a fundamen- 
talist splinter group he calls the National 
Federation for Decency. 

3. One deals with such types by respecting. 
their right to free speech and demanding 
one's own. Groups such as the National Fed- 
eration for Decency threaten advertisers and. 
distributors of TV shows, movies and maga- 
zines they think need censoring. They have a 
right to make their feelings known, which they 
have done. They don't have a right to stop the 
dissemination of nonfundamentalist ideas, 
which they would like to do. Here's what io do 
if you run into them again. Buy a Slurpee, a 
PLAYBOY and a pocket Bible. Drink the 
Slurpee, unfold the centerfold and read from 
"Proverbs," “A merry heart doeth good like a 
medicine; but a broken spirit drieth the bones. 
А wicked man taketh a gift out of the bosom to 
pervert the ways of judgment.” It confuses the 
devil out of them. 


iVIVA VELEZ! 
I have a weakness for blondes. However, 

1 must confess that Miss December, 
Karen Velez, is a stunning exception to my 
rule. She has, without a doubt, the most 
seductive gaze of any woman I have seen 
in your magazine—not to mention her 
obvious physical attributes. Hats off to 
Arny Freytag for capturing on film that 
certain element that sets the unforgettable 
woman apart from all the rest. 

Bruce Haley 

Kansas City, Kansas 


In an effort to preserve my 22 purely 
scductive pictures of Miss December, 
Karen Velez, 1 have placed several copies 
of your December issue in a safe-deposit 
box. After having some of her pictures 
U-Seal-It-ized and insuring them for 


$2000, I now feel secure in the knowledge 
that ГЇЇ be seeing her for a long time, even 
beyond her appearance as Playmate of the 
Year. 
Paul Carney 
Austin, Texas 


EX-POSITIONS 
Bruce Jay Friedman deserves a medal. 
His article Ex-Wives (rLaysoy, December) 
sure hits home—I found myself laughing 
in spite of the pain. 
Arnold Simon 
Scarsdale, New York 


I have to thank everyone at PLAYBOY for 
producing an excellent magazine, but spe- 
cial thanks to Bruce Jay Friedman for giv- 
ing us Ex-Wives. His article put motivation 
back into me and cleared out some 
insanity. You see, just four days before my 
December issue arrived, m asked for 
a divorce. I guess I’m lucky she signed me 
up for PLAYBOY five years ago, as a wedding 
present. 


Daryl Joe Brownell 
Sturgis, South Dakota 


Bruce Jay Friedman, in Ex-Wives, men- 
tions that they won't mind the “few 
pathetic gains you've made in the bat- 
guano market.” He must not have been at 
my partner's divorce hearing. My partner 
quit a lucrative job at the age of 42 to sell 
bat guano. His wife gave him his walking 
papers at their 20th-anniversary dinner 
party. She was overheard mumbling about 
his being "full of it for years," being 
“batty” and something about Batman and 
Robin. She then insisted on a cash settle- 
ment or a percentage of the new bat-guano 
business. My partner has taken Fried- 
man's article to heart, but he will never 
mention his pathetic gains in the bat- 
guano market again. 1 won't, either. Pm 
also divorced, but / excluded bat guano 
from my last prenuptial agreement. It 
does seem to breed discontent among 
wives. Please let us know if you'd like some 
dealershit information; we'll send you all 
the latest poop. 

Eric N. Thompson, President 

U-Bar Cave Products 

Carlsbad, New Mexico 


FUNNY BUSINESS 
Your humor department seems out of 
touch with the rest of your magazine. I feel 
that the cartoons would do well in The Sat- 
urday Evening Post; the Party Jokes would 
fit nicely in the laughter section of Reader's 
Digest. Also, please try to have more pho- 
tos of Неће in his little jammies. 
Paul Meinen 
Grangeville, Idaho 
Paul, our new-year resolution (the only one 
we made) was to get you to smile. Keep your 
funny bone pointed at PLAYBOY. 


Е we were a little surprised. All we did 
was build the best radar detector we knew 
how. We shipped our first ESCORT in 1978, 
and since then we've shipped over 600,000. 
Alongthe way the ESCORT has earned quite 
a reputation—among its owners, and also in 
several automotive magazines. 


Credentials 
Over the past five years, Car and Driver 
magazine has performed four radar detector 
comparison tests. Escort has been rated 
number one in each. Their most recent test 
concluded "The Escort radar detector is 
clearly the leader in the field in value, cus- 
tomer service, and performance .. ” We think 

that's quite an endorsement. 


Our Responsibility 

One of the reasons for our reputation is 
our attention to detail. If we don't feel we can 
do something very well, we simply won t do it. 
Thats why we sell Escorts direct from the 
factory to you. Not only can we assure the 
quality of the ESCORT, but we can also make 
sure that the salesperson you speak to is 
knowledgeable. And if an ESCORT ever 
needs service, it will be done quickly. And 
it will be done right. 


50 States Only 

And that's the reason we don't presently 
sell ESCORTS outside of the United States. 
Even in the countries that use identical radar 
(Japan and Australia, to name two) we know 
that we couldn't provide the kind of customer 
service that ESCORT owners expect. So we 
pass up the additional sales rather than risk 
our reputation. 


In Japan, where h 


"Dear Sir. 
So we'll admit we were surprised when a 
leiter from one of our customers included an 
advertisement from a Japanese automotive 
magazine. The ad pictured an ESCORT, and 
the price was 158,000 yen. Our customer was 
kind enough to convert that to U.S. dollars. 
Using that day's rate ol exchange, an American- 
made ESCORT was worth $714.93 in Japan. 
Further translation revealed the phrase "The 
real thing is here!” and warned against 
imitations. 


Econ 101 

Needless to say, we were flattered. We 
knew that ESCORT had an impressive repu- 
tation, but we never expected to see it "boot 
legged” into other countries and sold at such 
a premium. But the laws of supply and demand 
are not so easy to ignore. When there is a 
strong need for a product, there is an equally 
strong incentive for an enterprising capitalist 
to fill that need. And apparently, that's just 
what happened. 


igh-tech electronics 
are a way of life, they pay $714.93 
for an American-made radar detector 


(You can get the same one for considerably less) 


Easy Access 
Of course, its easy for you to get an 
ESCORT — just call us toll-free or write us at 
the address below. The price is the same as 
it's been for the last five years: $245. Quite. 
a deal for what the Japanese must think is 
the best radar detector in the world. 


Try ESCORT at no risk 
Take the first 30 days with ESCORT asa 
test. If youre not completely satisfied 
return itfor a full refund. You can tlose. 


ESCORT is also backed with a one 
year warranty on both parts and labor. 
ESCORT $245 (Ohio res. add $13.48 tax) 


TOLL FREE. .800-543-1608 
IN OHIO.. .B00-582-2696 


By mail send to address below. Credit” 
cards, money orders, bank checks, cer- 
tified checks, wire transfers processed 
immediately. Personal or company 


checks require 18 days. 
ESCOR T 


RADAR WARNING RECEIVER 
 ———spa 


Cincinnati Microwave 
Departrnent 100-007-A03 
One Microwave Plaza 
Cincinnati, Ohio 45296-0100 


Tune in “Talkback with Jerry Galvin” Americas new weekly satellite call-in comedy talk show Sunday evenings on public radio stations Check local listings. 


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er 


PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS 


THE HOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY 


Sexism in Saudi Arabia is even showing 
up on the hoods of Rolls-Royces. The Brit- 
ish auto maker had to scrap its usual 
hood ornament for a dozen special Saudi 
customers. The traditional figure—an 
upright woman they call The Spirit of 
Ecstasy—is considered provocative in the 
Moslem world. An older design depicts a 
woman in what is considered the proper 
Middle Eastern posture: on her knees. 


ART IRRITATES LIFE 


Some people just don't have a firm 

grasp of the obvious. According to the 

headline in the Chicago Tribune, “росток 

SAYS SALVADOR DALI REFUSES ТО BE REALISTIC.” 
. 

We're just passing this along as a public 
service. The 1985 edition of the Old Farm- 
ет Almanac quotes A. A. Kennerly of New 
York City, who claims, *A sex-change 
operation will age you five years." 


THE ENDURANCE OF DICK 


The conversation at our office went 
something like this: One editor, comment- 
ing on our vocabulary style, lamented the 
passing of the word dick to describe the 
male member. Another editor took imme- 
diate issue with that, arguing that the hip- 
pest people he knew referred to the male 
organ only as dick. In support of his argu- 
ment, he reminded us of the great line in 
48 HRS. when Eddie Murphy, fraught 
with sexual disuse, said something like, 
“Man, I'm so horny, when the wind 
blows, my dick gets hard." We took a poll 


among our male and female editors to see 
what names the organs with which they 
were familiar answered to. Among the 
responses were unit, member, wei 
and The Persuader. But common among 
all the re: — and this is the 
point—dick. In this topsy-turvy world, we 
want to make things easier for everybody 
And you often find yourself in a 
conversation—intimate or otherwise—in 


-wee 


'ondents wa 


which you need to refer to your organ. 
"Those of us who have heard Andrea Dwor- 
kin pronounce penis never want to hear 
that sound again. So our advice is, when in 
doubt, use dick. You'll be glad уси did. 

. 


Two women who made "resigner" 
jeans—for the woman who has resigned 
herself to having a full figure—are being 
sued by Jordache for trademark infringc- 
ment. It seems the company feels that the 
name Lardashe is a little гоо similar to its 
own. 


GO FOR IT 

By the time Oxnard, California, author- 
ities captured the man who had robbed a 
local bank of $13,000, he seemed more 
interested in evacuation than in escape. 

Forgetting John Dillinger’s sound ad- 
vice to young desperadoes, “Always use 
the bathroom before you rob the bank," 
the fleeing felon ducked into a local laun- 
dry to relieve himself. Finding no change 
or small bills in his wad of loot, he was 


y% w 
м. 
= 


unable to enter the pay toilet and was 
apprehended by police in a “very excited 
state.” 

It seems he had forgotten Dillinger’s 
second well-known adage: “If there's no 
change among the plunder, always crawl 
under.” 


. 

The Reader, Chicago's free weekly, has 
one of the liveliest personal-ads sections in 
the country. Recently, a disgruntled Cath- 
olic took the opportunity to write, “Fuck 
you, St. Jude. For favors ignored.” 


. 

Found, in this day of media stars, a 
modest journalist. In House, the newsletter 
of the Center for Investigative Reporting 
reveals that when writer Craig Pyes heard 
that his entire 30,000-word Albuquerque 
Journal article “Salvadoran Rightists: The 
Deadly Patriots” had been broadcast over 
the antigovernment Radio Venceremos, he 
quipped, “Well, there's a 
instance of the guerrillas” committing 
human-rights abuse against the 
doran people." 


Salva- 


. 
The Dallas County medical examiner's 
office ruled that champion fisherman 
Danny Ray Davis had committed suicide 
the day before he was to appear before a 
Federal grand jury investigating cheating 
at bass tournaments. According to reports, 
Davis had been cooperating with the 
grand jury but had expressed fears for his 
life. The investigation had begun after 
Davis won the $50,000 first prize in a 
Labor Day bass tournament in Texarkana, 
He won after laboratory tests showed that 
the bass entered by two other fishermen 
had come from Florida. Davis’ fish was not 
tested. As Sam Giancana used to say, “See 
that stupid fish. If he hadn’t opened his 
mouth, he wouldn't have gotten caught." 


PETTY CASH 


‘Trenton, New Jersey, city councilman 
Albert “Bo” Robinson has proposed an 
idea for reducing teenage pregnancy and 


13 


QUIZ 


1. Want to know what jolted Joe? Our 
first—and most fabulous —Sweetheart. 


3. Derek's Dominoes, Second Edition: 
Part of a dynasty now, this cleavage 
once symbolized with The Big Valley. 


5. Maybe it's still a man's world, but 
blonde bombshelling is no man's field. 
This is, though. Plain Jaynes, take heart. 


7. You've had the pleasure a few times 
before, but if you still don't recognize 
them, close your eyes and count to ten 


VNNVONOIN 78 
чук P 


4340 оя 2 7 
SNVAJ VANTI E 


A. ےار‎ 


2. Thoroughly modem, these appeared 
. drugged their owner. 


4. She put up a front and Bob Fosse put. 
her to the test. If Papa had seen these, 
he might never have gotten depressed. 


6. She won an Oscar for supporting her 
dad but struck out in a later flick. We 
still think the lady's good news bare. 


8. Diamonds are the girl's best friends. 
She always takes a buss to the ball park, 
where she likes to work the hit and run. 


үлү. 9 QIJIASNVIN NAVÎ Ç AVMONIINSH 
arial] 


AOYNOW NXIDIVAN I :Simsuy 


lowering welfare costs at the same time. 
Robinson, executive director of United 
Progress, Inc., an antipoverty agency, 
suggests paying teenaged girls $200 for 
cach year they don’t become pregnant. If 
they make it all the way to their 18th birth- 
day without giving birth, he says, they 
should get a check for $2000. 


STROMZILLA 


When the dust cleared after last Novem- 
ber's elections, the Senate seat vacated by 
Howard Baker had been won by Albert 
Gore, Jr., whose father had been a 
longtime member of that august body. 
Baker graciously showed his 36-year-old 
Democratic replacement around the club- 
house. When they reached the senior Sen- 
ator from South Carolina, 82-year-old 
Republican Strom Thurmond, Senator- 
clect Gore mentioned that they'd already 
had one close encounter. 

"How's that?" asked Baker. 

“A long time ago,” Gore replied, “my 
father took me to the Senate swimming 
pool, and Strom Thurmond stepped on 
my submarine." 


. 
“The student newspaper of Gcorgia Col- 
lege at Milledgeville entered a piece of 
roast becf in the Miss Georgia College 
scholarship pageant to protest rules 
requiring that a contestant must not have 
been married, cohabited with a male, had 
an abortion, had any children or had plans 
to marry before the end of her reign. 
“What do any of those requirements have 
to do with scholarship?" questioned Jackie 
Smith, editor of The Colonnade. Smith and 
Andrew Boswell, a staff writer, entered 
Piece of Meat in the contest by submitting 
an official entry form, seven black-and- 
white photos of the roast and a $30 fee. 


POLLUTION DECONTROL 


Although party hard-liners still regard 
it as a form of “spiritual pollution,” ten 
Chinese art schools have begun employing 
nude models. The unveiling took place 
alter a Peking newspaper reported that 
Chairman Mao had approved of bare flesh 
for art’s sake—cven though there’d been 
no posing in the raw during his 27-year 
reign. When do we get to see the first Com- 
rade of the Month? 

. 

In case you've been pricing one lately, 
the following informative headline ap- 
peared in the Chicago Tribune: ‘$15,000 
AWARD TO WIDOWER FOR LOST BRAIN.” 

. 

The Austin, Texas, American-Statesman 
ran the classified ad of the month: “Tired 
of fishin’ but like the smell? I'll trade you 
my 1929 antique gynecologist’s for 
your bass boat or trihull.”” 

P 

Sounds like another Congressional hand 
job. According to the Chicago Tribune: 
"CIA ACCUSED OF OBSTRUCTING MANUAL PROBE.” 


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^ You will be automatically entered in the "Come up to Koor Sweepstakes If you fll out 
and use one or more of the store coupons by March 31, 1985. 2 If you do not wish to re- 
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18 


MUSIC 


MER s 
I 


FASHION UPDATE: You saw the suit Daryl Hall wears in the Out of Touch video. Now you see the 


suit Charlie "Mr. Cool de Sax” de Chant wears 


Hall and Oatess live show (above). So whose 


suit is it, anyway? Right? We asked Н. and O. spokesperson Jeb Brien, who, after rebuking us 


OY TALK: Boy George, flanked by his 

plain-faced Culture Club ensemble, 
Mikey Craig, Jon Moss and Roy Hey, 
recently met the press at one of Chicago's 
generic hotels usually reserved for trade 
shows and traveling evangelists. 

Boy sported a glittery gold fez with a 
tassel and layers of big-print cotton 
garments—the kind you used to see flap- 
ping on clotheslines out in the country. His 
kabuki-white face was punctuated by daz- 
zling touches about the eyes and lips. Boy 
resists nail polish. It all seemed appropri- 
ate when a hotel chef in customary head- 
gear poked his head in. Boy is, after all, 
just another working bloke and nothing he 
did dissuaded us from that notion. 

Boy and the boys turned out to be an 
amusing quartet, reminiscent of such other 
Britons as (dare we say it?) the Beatles and 
Quentin Crisp. Boy is the group's pre- 
eminent spokesperson, and a wellspring of 
opinions. On make-up: “I wear it for the 
same reason women do—to look nice.” 
On the press: “The press is real cynical 
and I am, too, so it’s a great match.” On 
himself: “I’m like a peasant who just 
learned to write a check,” On the pitfalls 
of success: “We all have cleaning jobs in 
the morning.” On the Phil Donahue show: 
“The best thing I’ve ever done—you get 
to argue with people.” On the Jacksons 
concert: “Like Holiday on Ice.” On video: 
“All the videos on MTV are sexist.” On 
Frankie Goes to Hollywood's simulated 
buggery in the Relax video: "It's unneces- 
sary to exploit things that way. We've had 
people thrusting their pelvises at us for the 
last 30 years.” 

“Oh, you're just being bitchy,” taunted 


for our lack of pelt savvy, explained, "Daryl's is Dalmatian—the dog suit; Charlie's is giraffe.” We 
figure Charlie must have gone with the giraffe pattern for its obvious slenderizing effect. 


Moss when Boy protested the charge by 
some Texas fundamentalists that he is the 
creation of the Devil. In their supporting 
roles, the other band members displayed 
energy and wit and the sort of relaxed 
comfort that comes from selling several ga- 
zillion -records world-wide. Moss played 
with his gum in an ashtray. Hey, the mar- 
ried one, refined our thinking on what is 
and isn’t exploitation: If Hey wears a 
dress, it's exploitation; if Boy George does, 
it isn't. And Craig articulated the band's 
founding philosophy: “We wanted to have 
fun, enjoy ourselves.” 

Well, what do you expect from a band 
that titled its most recent LP, Waking Up 
with the House on Fire, with a line from a 
Doris Day movie? 


BUTCH AND SUNDANCE П: “No 
more sex and drugs and rock "n' roll,” 
George Michael says of himself and his 
contemporaries. “The new bands are all 
very professional.” Michael and partner 
Andrew Ridgely constitute Wham, whose 
LP Make It Big is the best rendering of 
blue-eyed soul music since Hall and 
Oates's Abandoned Luncheonette. 

The professional rap is yet another 
element in a soup of contrasting public 
images that this group has cooked up. 
Frankly, we're confused. First we heard 
Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go and thought 
Smokey Robinson’s Ше brother had 
made a record. Then we saw the pretty 
white faces on the record sleeve. Next 
came the video, with those two muscular 
guys in gym shorts jumping around in a 
pep frenzy. Now we're supposed to believe 
this buttondown crap? We asked Michael 


what kind of image Wham was after. 

"Image?" he asked with mock irrita- 
tion. “We've never actually thought about 
image. I suppose we're like Butch and 
Sundance. The world is our oyster. We're 
young and having a good time." 

Well, even. Butch and Sundance were 
professionals. We can hardly wait to see 
the next video. 


GOOD BOOK: We've gotten some 
chuckles from Rock Archives (Dou- 
bleday Dolphin), by Michael Ochs, who's 
been wearing black-suede shoes with pink 
Piping to help hawk it. 

“I bought the shoes to go with the 
book's cover," he told us. For a serious 
rock-’n’-roll freak, Ochs sure has his act 
together. 

His book covers the first 20 years of 
rock in pictures from his collection, 
the largesı rock archive in existence. We 
saw moments we hadn't even known 
about: Stevie Wonder meets Muhammad 
Ali; The Band dresses up and goes out 
Our favorite: Ironing Board Sam, a 
Memphis eccentric who played an ironing 
board equipped with piano keys. Some of 
the shots are simpler documents, but 
Ochs’s irreverent and informative patter 
makes up for them. — KATE NOLAN 


REVIEWS 


We still don't think that Linda Ronstadt 
is the greatest jazz singer who ever lived, 
but lush Life (Elektra/Asylum) is so much 
better than her first outing with the Nelson 
Riddle Orchestra that we're ready to 
reconsider some of the nasty things we said 


[ —— TRUST US —— 


HOT 


George Strait / Does Fort Worth 
Ever Cross Your Mind? 

Al Green / Trust in God. 

Madonna / Like a Virgin 

Elvis Presley / Rocker 

Pat Benatar / Tropico 


Madam / We Reserve the Right 


when What's New came out. First of all, 
Ronstadt's voice seems in finer fettle these 
days—more control, more refinement. 
And her phrasing is interesting and effec- 
tive. Her version of Skylark is light and 
wonderful. It’s lovely to see a woman age 
gracefully, with her sexuality and intelli- 
gence intact. 
; . 

There is a synthesizer/rap-track sound 
in Pop music these days that is showing up 
on too many albums. The latest casualty is 
one of our favorites, Angela Bofill, on her 
new album, Let Me Be the One (Arista). 
When she's singing like her old self on the 
title track and on No Love in Sight, she's 
the same sexy Angie we'd love to take to a 
fancy restaurant just to hear her talk. On 
the other tunes, she is sucked into an echo. 
chamber where electronic bones beat her 
beautiful voice into submission. Her pro- 
ducers, David Frank and Mic Murphy, 
should each be whacked soundly on the 
head with a saxophone or some other nat- 
ural instrument. 


. 

If, like us, you've always loved the exu- 
berant vocals of Earth, Wind € Fire, 
you'll instantly recognize the incredibly 
clear falsetto of Philip Bailey on his second 
solo album, Chinese Wall (Columbia). His 
first album, Continuation, produced one of 
the baddest soul hits of 1983 (I Know), and 
before the end of 1984, thc infectious Easy 
Lover, last cut on Chinese Wall, threatened 
to bust the top of the soul charts. Obvi- 
ously, the man has talent. On Chinese 
Wall, Bailey teams up with Phil Collins 
(yes, that Phil Collins), who produced the 
sessions and plays drums on all the tracks. 
The best collaboration of the two Phils is 
on the album's title cut, which sounds— 
believe us—like Earth, Wind & Fire and 
Genesis all in one song. Check it out. 

. 

Being among the dwindling few who 
prefer lyrics to mean a little something, we 
don't ordinarily take kindly to a line like 
“She's so heavy, like a Chevy” —unless, of 
course, the line comes from Kool and the 
Gang, who have a way of writing lyrics just 
the way a 16-year-old high school dropout 
would and then singing them with such 
adolescent intensity that you forget that 
these are grown men. Once again, Kool 
jiggles our marimbas with his latest 
album, Emergency (De-Lite/PolyGram), 
from which Misled (the song with the line 
about the heavy Chevy) is sure to be a hit. 
Kool be bad once again. 

. 

patrons of London's 
trendier clubs writhed to the driving beat 
of Love Resurrection, on which the lead 
vocalist sounded like the graduate of a 
Gospel choir. What a surprise to find that 
the singer was none other than English-as- 


Last summer, 


tea-and-scones Alison Moyet, formerly of 


Yaz (nee Yaz00). 
Love Resurrection has now crossed the 
Atlantic on the wings of Moyet's solo disc, 


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19 


FAST TRACKS 


LETS HEAR IT FROM THE BOY DEPARTMENT: The latest silliness on the concert circuit has 
Wendy O. Williams thrilling her fans by cutting an effigy of Boy George in half with a chain 
saw. We checked this out with the Boy when he passed through Chicago. "I think it's fab- 
ulous. It's great publicity," he said. "Besides, I'm much better-looking than she is. That 
bitch." After looking over his new Crayola-red hair, topped by a fez, we had to agree. 


EEUING AND ROCKING: B. B. King has 
recorded three songs for the new 
John Landis movie, Into the Night: the 
title cut, a tribute to B.B.'s guitar, 
Lucille, and Wilson Picketrs Midnight 
Hour. Landis also supervised the mak- 
ing of videos of the three. . . . Absolute 
Beginners, the Keith Richards/ Ray Davies. 
movie, has finally gone before the cam- 
eras, six months behind schedule. David 
Bowie, Elvis Costello and the Stones are set 
to contribute new material to the sound 
track. . . . Prince is planning the Purple 
Rain sequel for 1986.... Оп Eddie 
Murphys schedule is a movie called 
Groupie, about a rock star who turns 
the tables on a fan and starts to pursue 
her. . . . Duran Duran is making a video 
feature film co-starring actor Milo 
O'Shea, who portrayed the character in 
Barbarella that inspired the group's 
name. ... Blame It on the Night, the 
movie co-written by Mick Jagger, hasn't 
gotten very good reviews from either 
The Hollywood Reporter or Daily Variety. 
Can Mick take the rejection? 
NEWSBREAKS: Attention, Lou Reed fans: 
An entire album of previously un- 
released Velvet Underground material 
has recently been discovered and 
released by PolyGram, along with reis- 
sues of the group's earlier stuff... . 
The Marvin Gaye tribute in L.A. has 
been taped for TV broadcast. It will 
include film clips of Marvin in concert, 
a laser show, large-scale dance num- 
bers and performances by his contem- 
poraries and by new stars whose music 
he influenced. Proceeds from the trib- 
ute will go to a trust fund for his three 
children. - Medonna is putting 
a band together for her first U.S. 
The Stray Cats’ breakup is 
- Doctors still don't know if 
Tom Petty will ever be able to play the 
i . Even assuming the phy: 
cal therapy works and his hand contin- 


ves to heal, live performances are still a 
long way off... . David Lee Roth has 
been writing songs for the new Edgor 
Winter album. . . . The Beach Boys and 
their music are the subject of Surfing 
U.SA- А New Beach Boys Musical, 
which opens in New York this month. 
The Boys won't appear in the show, 
but they may write some new tunes for 
it....The Honeydrippers, a.k.a. Robert 
Plant, Jimmy Page, Jeff Beck, Brian Setzer 
and Cozy Powell, will do a short U.S 
tour. . . . Devohas gone into the restau- 
rant business with Melissa Man- 
chester, Bernie Taupin and Elvira. They've 
opened a dim sum parlor in 
L.A. . . . Deep Purple says that its new 
album and tour make the reunion per- 
manent but that videos are still under 
discussion. ... Our British sources 
report that ousted Clash member Mick 
Jones has put together a dance-floor 
punk band. The group hasn't got a 
name or a record company yet; Jones 
says he's "waiting for someone to 
invent the technology I require." . . 

Chris Difford and Glenn Tilbrook rewrote 
a Dr Pepper jingle that we'll be 
hearing about 20 times a day next 
July fourth... . Here's a story we 
really like: Although the critics weren't 
crazy about Give My Regards to Broad 
Street, Paul McCartney was philosophi- 
cal. He was also quite excited about 
one aspect of releasing the film: He 
located Eleanor Rigby. Rigby's group, 
The Delicates, was an opening act in the 
Sixties for James Brown and Ike and Tina 
Turner. She and McCartney shared the 
same lawyer and when Paul was look- 
ing for a five-syllable name for a song 
lyric, the lawyer suggested Eleanor 
Rigby. Rigby now works for The Holly- 
wood Reporter. Now we know the 
answer to the musical question “All the 
lonely people, where do they all come 
from?” — BARBARA NELLIS 


“ALF” (Columbia), and although it comes 
close to being a religious experience, the 
track is surpassed by its fellows Steal Me 
Blind and For You Only. Moyet seems to 
be on her way to full-fledged stardom. 

. 

Gospel singers, good or otherwise, gen- 
erally don't have the popular following it 
takes to get much play on secular radio, 
but Vern Gosdin may have made enough 
ofa mark on country music to change all 
that. If Jesus Comes Tomorrow (What Then) 
(Compleat) could do very well. Gosdin’s 
respectful but personalized version of that 
sometimes smarmy stuff could attract his 
regular fans and a lot of others to a genre 
that doesn't always require a sense of piety 
or a revivalist childhood for enjoyment. 

б 

It seems as if the heavy influx of the reg- 
gae sound has died down, which is good, 
because it separated the men from the 
boys, Jahwise. Black Uhuru is still around 
because its members make good reggae, аз 
they prove once again on their latest 
album, Anthem (Island). The first cut, 
What Is Life?, is Rastaferocions. 

б 

If it is possible то renovate а musical 
cliché, that's exactly what French pianists 
Katia and Marielle Labeque have done on 
Gershwin (EMI/Angel They exhumed 
Gershwin's original two-piano version of. 
his 1928 epic An American in Paris and 
have given it a world premiere on this disc. 
It is a lively, invigorating, charming 
tribute—to Gershwin and to Paris. lt 
avoids all of the numbingly cute aspects of 
the orchestral version and stresses deli- 
cacy, vigor and affection. Side two pre- 
sents the Labeques exploring the late 
Percy Graingers Fantasy on George 
Gershwin’s “Porgy and Bess” for Tuo 
Pianos. The score remains passionate and 
eloquent and the playing, again, is crisp, 
forccful and loving. Students of album- 
cover art will find the Labeques good to 
look at as well. 


SHORT CUTS 


Mark Knopfler / Music from the Film “Cal” 
(Mercury): Another spectacular sound 
track, from the Dirc Straits acc. Similar in 
feel to the Local Hero score. 

Toto / Dune (Polydor): A different kind of 
sound track, featuring The Vienna Sym- 
phony Orchestra, with its lusty strings. 
Eerie synthesizer underpinnings make it a 
challenging mixture. 

Get Smart! / Action Reaction (Fever 
Records): This is what happened to Mid- 
western bar bands when they heard the 
Sex Pistols. Lots of beat and jangle; it's 
raw and rocking. 

The Kinks / Werd of Mouth (Arista): Ray 
Davies lost a good woman last year in 
Chrissie Hynde, but this is proof that he 
isn't dying of a broken heart. 

Aretha Franklin / Aretha’s Jazz (Atlantic): 
The jazz parts from two previous LPs all 
in onc place. A fine companion to the new 
Ronstadt. 


Team Hondas 
Ricky Graham and 
Bubba Shobert finish 1-2 in 1984 
Grand National Championship. 


ALLYEAR,THE ONLY THING 
THAT FINISHED CLOSE TO A 
HONDA V-TWIN, 


WAS ITS TWIN. 


There was a lot of competition 
in the Grand National Champion- 
ship Series. For third place. 

Because Hondas Ric 
Graham and Bubba Shobert ran 
away with first and secor 
Asa matter of fact, they 
a whopping 60 and 59 points 
ahead of their nearest competitor. 

Which isa pretty good exam- 
ple of Hondas lead in V 


ALWAYS WEAR A HELMET AND EYE PROTECTION. €:1985 


technology. "Technology that 
includes advanced cylinder head 
designs. And unique, offset dual- 
pin crankshafts for smooth-run- 
ning perfect primary balance. 

Itsthe e technology 
you'll find in Hondas V-twin 
production bikes, such as the 
powerful Shadows" 

Stop by your Honda dealer 
and see the beautiful new V-twins. 
Theyre bred from champions. 


onda Motor Cu. Inc. Re 


FOLLOW THE LEADER 


e your Honda à 


ough guys don't do divorce work. It's 
Tr of the code of the hard-boiled 
detective—perhaps because it hits too 
close to home, since most mystery-story 
heroes are single, with heartache and pot- 
holes on memory lane, Stephen Greenleaf, 
who is no slouch at crafting detective fic- 
tion (his Tanner series is first-rate), has 
finally tackled the forbidden. The hero of 
The Ditto List (Villard) is a divorce lawyer 
named D.T. (which stands for anything 
from delirium tremens to detumescent). 
Here he slogs his way through three messy 
divorce cases, and the results are heroic. 


. 

Mike and Amy are bright, well educated 
and out of work. So they take a decisive 
step—in a backward direction—and be- 
come domestic help in Stanley Ellin's Very 
Old Money (Arbor House). Mike signs on 
as chauffeur and Amy as personal secre- 
tary serving the Durie family in its huge 
Fifth Avenue mansion. With as many clos- 
ets as it contains, there are bound to be 
lots of skeletons. ‘There is one family secret 
that is particularly juicy, and its unravel- 
ing ends in murder. But besides that, Ellin 
knows the way the rich live: with a kind of 
deft and graceful carelessness. Very Old 
Money is a very rich read. 


. 

In A Clarification of Questions (Westview 
Replica Edition), by Ayatollah Sayyed Ru- 
hollah Mousavi Khomeini, we finally get 
to the heart of the matter: There is no 
heart in this matter, only rules. Available 
for the first time in English, A Clarification 
is the Ayatollah’s response to 3000 ques- 
tions concerning Moslem law—more than 
anyone would ever want to know. 

Some of it makes great sense: “The 
major abominable dealings are as follows: 
First, selling real estate." 

Some of it is surprising: An entire sec- 
tion is devoted to “The Sweat of a Camel 
That Eats Unclean Stuff.” But chuckles 
aside, most of it is simply depressing. Is 
this any way to run a revolution? 

. 

First, we must admit a prejudice. PLAYBOY 
is a magazine with its own advice column, 
so we look upon the questions and 
answers in The Straight Dope (Chicago 
Review), by Cecil Adams, with some ex- 
pertise. Adams is a know-itall for the 
Reader, a Chicago weekly. His answers are 
profound, demented and fun. Now the rest 
of America can share in his wisdom. It 
sure beats Trivial Pursuit. 

. 

Bobby Giaquinto is a sportswriter who 
does more screwing in his office than writ- 
ing. He doesn't feel real great about that, 
but he doesn't feel all that bad about it, 
either. He just doesn't want his wife to 
know aboutit, because, well, itwould be a 
little hard to explain. In Pat Jordan’s The 
Cheat (Villard), we find Bobby cracking 


Breaking up is hard to do. 


Mystery thrillers, 
quotes from the Ayatollah 
and some Straight Dope. 


Even old money talks. 


the first big baseball exposé of his career 
and undergoing the first real love of his 
life. Jordan, a sports journalist, makes the 
book’s sports parts pale in comparison 
with its descriptions of the women who 
hover around Bobby; he’s at his best in 
identifying the locales of male sexuality 
and pain. This first novel is a good 
opposite-field hit. 
. 

The trials of Jeremiah Kennedy, attor- 
ney at law, aren't only in the courtroom. 
This guy's got problems—a rebellious 
wife, a jailed friend, a mentor in exile and 
the IRS on his back. George V. Higgins 


revives Jeremiah (from Kennedy for the 
Defense) in his new novel, Penance for Jerry 
Kennedy (Knopf). A typical Higgins story, 
with more dialog than action and a funny, 
clever plot, this is pure entertainment. 
(For more Higgins, see page 84.) 

. 

He has been called a one-man Monty 
Python troupe, a Wodehouse on acid and 
the funniest writer now working in the 
English language. Until recently, Tom 
Sharpe was to Americans the writer most 
likely to become an answer in Trivial Pur- 
suit; his stuff was almost unavailable here. 
Vintage Books has finally released his old 
titles in paperback, so Americans can 
begin to balance the joke deficit with our 
English cousins. You might start with the 
Wilt trilogy—Wilt, The Wilt Alternative 
and the latest, Wilt on High (Random 
House). No, this is not a book about hang 
time in the N.B.A. Wilt is an instructor of 
rapid reading at the Fenland College of 
Arts and ‘Technology. He would like to kill 
his wife; but, then, wouldn’t we all? The 
Walter Mitty of murder is the kind of guy 
who practices homicide with an inflatable 
Judy Joy doll, who has international ter- 
rorists for lodgers and who still can’t seem 
to get along with the local police inspector. 
Each book is unexpected—and perfect. 


BOOK BAG 


Digital Deli (Workman), written by The 
Lunch Group & Guests, edited by Steve 
Ditlea: Add up 146 writers, pundits and 
computer personalities—from William F. 
Buckley, Jr., to Nolan Bushnell—and what 
do you get? A spectacular digital smorgas- 
bord and one of the brightest, and most 
surprising, computer books of the year. 

Into the Heart of the Mind (Harper & 
Row), by Frank Rose: The author spent a 
year watching what happens when top 
artificial-intelligence scientists try to teach 
machines to think as they do. Where they 
succeed, where they don’t and what 
they’ve got coming up make for fascinating 
reading. A clear, fast-moving introduction 
to a complicated subject. 

Hackers (Anchor/Doubleday), by Steven 
Levy: Everybody knows that the mi- 
crocomputer whiz kids started in ga- 
rages, but few of us know how those 
pimply-faced kids got out of the garages 
and into the board rooms. Levy does, and 
this very readable book takes you along 
every step of the way. Next to a San Jose 
hot tub, the most enjoyable way to get to 
know who's who in microcomputers. 

The Great Thoughts (Ballantine), com- 
piled by George Seldes: This is a book that 
could get you through a year of college or a 
night on Bill Buckley's Firing Line. A list 
book with a vengeance, its purpose is no less 
than to assemble the ideas that shaped our 
world. The surprising thing is that it works: 
It’s painless intellectual entertainment. 


Honda, Honda, Honda. We 
got alittle carried away withthe 
1984 Superbike Championship. 

Led by Flyin' Fred Merkel, 
Hondas took the first six places 
inthe 1984 Superbike Series. 
And eight of the first ten. 

How did we do it? By building. 
the most advanced V4 engines 
in the world. Engines that feature 
a 90° cylinder configuration for 


ALWAYS WEAR A HELMET AND EYE PROTECTION. © 


Team Hondas Fred Merkel streaks 
to the 1984 Superbike Championship. 


OU RACE A750, 
IT'S CALLED A SUPERBIKE. 


WHEN YOU WIN, 
IT'S CALLEDA HONDA. 


perfect primary balance. Liquid- 
cooling. Double overhead cams. 
And four valves per cylinder. 

Its the same V-4 engine 
design you'll find in our pro- 
duction bikes. 

So, when you buy a Honda 
Magna; Interceptor” or Sabre? 

ure buying a oo that 


comes with a championship. 


Inc. Rear 


ast November's Harper’s featured a 
ПЕЕ titled “The Place of Por- 
nography," in which various pundits dis- 
cussed the state of American porn. It was 
a generally sensible discussion, but there 
were a few surprising moments. 

“The Playmate of the Month is a partic- 
ular woman about whom the reader is 
meant to have particular fantasies," said 
Midge Decter, author of The New Chastity. 
“In my view, this has a baneful effect on 
people— makes them demented, in fact.” 

Demented? 

Susan Brownmiller, calling pornogra- 
phy “antifemale propaganda," said she 
would ban it on the grounds that it is 
"dangerous," that it "incites people to 
commit violent acts" and that it “distorts 
the nature of sex.” The founder of Women 
Against Pornography went on to say that 
“our society is able to understand the dis- 
tinction between pornography and politi 
cal disagreement” and that “Vogue's 
fascination with S/M derives from its pop- 
ularization in hard-core porn." 

Vogue? 

Reason had its defenders as well. Uni- 
versity of Massachusetts political-science 
professor Jean Bethke Elshtain answered 
Brownmiller by saying, "The link that 
you're suggesting between pornography 
and violent sexual crimes draws on sim- 
plistic behaviorist psychology. This psy- 
chology doesn't enjoy much credibility 
today, because it doesn't take into account 
the intricacies of human fantasy life.” 

Aryeh Neier, former director of the 
American Civil Liberties Union, said, 
“The claim that certain kinds of expres- 
sion are ‘dangerous’ and an ‘incitement to 
violence’ is used all the time to try to pro- 
hibit speech one doesn’t like.” 

And that little old porn maker Al, our 
friend Goldstein, pointed out that “in a 
democracy, a lot of things offend some- 
one. . .. But I listen to points of view I dis- 
agree with because that's what living in a 
democracy is.” 

Decter, at another point: “But we as a 
society must do something to protect our- 
selves. If the law cannot involve an asser- 
tion of community standards, what is it 
for? And if we have no community stand- 
ards in this area, we are more than half- 
way to the abyss. Amid all our talk about 
First Amendment absolutism, I must 
point out that at one time in this 
country—and mot all that long ago, 
either—speech was not absolutely pro- 
tected; and I don't think American society 
then was repressive or that people's rights 
and freedoms were violated.” 

Neier: “You are quite wrong. During 
World War One, 2000 people were sent to 
prison for speaking out against the war— 
speaking against it, nothing more. We 
were certainly a more repressive society 
then. Our protection of speech essentially 


=| HARTERS MAGAZINE NOVEMBER 1981 TWO DOLLARS |a 


СЕ OF PORNOGRAPHY 
Ша Eros for a Violent Age 


3 Midge Decter 
Jean Bethke Elshain 
Susan m EricaJong Arsch Neier 


COMPUTERS: A SPREADSHEET WAY OF KNOWLEDGE 
iy Sene 


ESCAPE ROM MODERNISM 
Technolo and the Fare ofthe Inagration 
By Fer Timer 


Alo: amer by High Kemer Veri Geng 
Rehd) Bam, Maro Мар Lisa 


THE PLACE 
OF PORNOGRAPHY 


"For all practical 
purposes, pornography is 
simply what the censor 
wants to censor." 


began after World War One, with the 
development of the ‘dear and present dan- 
ger test. One has to ask a simple question 
of those who favor censorship: What do 
you regard as an intellectually honest 
method of distinguishing between material 
you find offensive and other forms of 
expression?” 

Harper’s cditor Lewis H. Lapham 
summed up: “The conversation seemed to 
suggest a possible balance between the 
claims made on behalf of morality and 
those made on behalf of freedom. If we 
could limit the public uses of pornography 
(i.e., its egregious display, its pretense to 
political statement), then we could more 
easily preserve its private uses (as a form 
of expression, as a stimulus to sexual feel- 
ing). It would be ironic if a too devout 
reading of the First Amendment pro- 
scribed the chance of a decent and intelli- 
gent compromise.” 

Too devout? 

When “The Place of Pornography" 
appeared, Harper's asked for Hef's reac- 
tion, This was his response: 

“То the editor, 

“] enjoyed reading your round-table 
discussion ‘The Place of Pornography.’ I 


was most interested—though по! 
surprised—to see it go round and round 
without even approaching a uscful*defini- 
tion of pornography. Our inability to 
define pornography is central to the issue. 

“As your panelists made clear, there are 

many people who would like to regulate 
porn. Anyone presuming to do so must 
first separate it from other forms of expres- 
sion, since free expression is protected by 
the First Amendment. But if pornography 
isn’t free expression, I don’t know what is. 
For all practical purposes, pornography is 
simply what the censor wants to censor, 
and regulate is a euphemism, 
“Ms. Brownmiller says our society is 
able to understand the distinction between 
pornography and politics, but I think she 
has failed to do just that. Those who 
would impose their political views on the 
rest of us—whether they want prayer in 
school or censorship—often wrap their 
arguments in pious clothes. They claim 
that their perspective is the one all right- 
thinking people must share. Well, it ain't 
necessarily so. 

“I am an advocate of First Amendment 
rights. Given a choice between greater 
governmental control and greater personal 
freedom, I would choose freedom. Not 
only does this choice appeal to democratic 
instincts, it reflects what I consider a 
healthy repulsion for imposing one's moral 
choices on everyone else. The antiporn 
groups, it seems, would rather err on the 
side of state power, eroding the rights of 
the individual. These groups certainly 
have a right to express their views in a 
political disagreement like this. What 1 
worry about is whether they are willing to 
sacrifice Al Goldstein's right to expression. 
in order to enhance their own. 

“Ms. Decter asserts that ‘pomogra- 
phers . . . are helping to destroy all 
humane and valuable attitudes about sex: 
We will be lucky if there is any sex at all 25 
years from now.' Has she even considered 
the possibility that porn has positive 
effects? At a recent conference at Colum- 
bia University, the eminent psychoanalyst 
Dr. Otto Kernberg said that inhibition 
"limits a couple to conventional standards 
that stifle passion.” He said pornography, 
on the other hand, can stimulate an active 
fantasy life—can be an antidote to stifled 
passion. ‘A rebellious sex life within the 
bounds of a couple,’ he concluded, can be 
the cement of marriage. 

“I am an optimist. If we don’t forget 
that there are more ominous threats to 
our future than pornography, I am cer- 
tain there will be sex 25 years from now. I 
hope to be having some. I hope I won't 
need to ask for a censor's permission. 
Time will tell. 


Sincerely 
Hugh M. Hefner” 


{020010 


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MOVIES 


By BRUCE WILLIAMSON 


MANY PROVOCATIVE questions, none subject 
to easy answers, burn like hot fuses 
through The Falcon and the Snowman 
(Orion), director John  Schlesinger's 
searching, factual suspense drama based 
on the book by Robert Lindsey. How— 
and why—did two misguided members of 
the baby-boomer generation, both former 
altar boys from reasonably affluent fami- 
lies in Palo Alto, California, become trai- 
tors to their country? A movie can probe 
only so far, yet Steven Z; ү 
tation tantalizingly worms its 
the explosive relationship between 
Christopher Boyce and Andrew Daulton 
Lee—Boyce an employee with top security 
clearance in the defense industry, his col- 
league a self-destructive cokehead and 
drug dealer. In 1977, both were tried and 
convicted of selling U.S. intelligence 
secrets to Soviet agents in Mexico. 

Vital, unforgettable performances by 
Timothy Hutton as Boyce and Scan Penn 
as Lee are sure to position these two actors 
among the pacesetters for 1985. Hutton’s 
dreamy, disillusioned idcalist in love with 
freedom and falconry may be a shade 
romantic (the real-life Boyce subsequently 
escaped from prison, changed his identity 
and took to robbing banks before he was 
recaptured), but he sums up the chaos of 
an era when countless young people saw 
the so-called American dream subverted 
by assassinations, Vietnam, Watergate 
and cynicism in high places. Some turned 
to drugs as a palliative, and that sad solu- 
tion is projected in extremis by Penn, a 
mesmerizing performer who risks being 
downright repulsive but finally wins audi- 
ence sympathy because he never begs for 
it. The uniformly fine cast behind the lads 
includes Pat Hingle as Boyce’s proud 
father, a retired FBI agent; Lori Singer as 
his girlfriend; and David Suchet as the 
K.G.B.'s wiliest man down in Mexico. To 
make the pieces of this tangled tale adhere, 
Schlesinger—whose natural affinity for 
mavericks colors all his works, from Mid- 
might Cowboy to Yanks—forces us into 
collusion with his screwed-up antiheroes. 
You may not like them. You may not 
understand them. But you won't look 
away. ЕУ 


. 
The first hour or so of Birdy (Tri-Star). 
director Alan Parker's movie from 


William Wharton's best seller about a 
young man so obsessed with ornithology 
that he imagines he can fly, is exception- 
ally funny, fresh and charming. As the title 
character, Matthew Modinc projects win- 
some nonverbal innocence—just right 
for establishing the curious friendship. 
between Birdy and Al (Nicolas Cage) dur- 
ing extended flashbacks to their high 
school years in Philadelphia. The lads’ 


Hutton riveting in Falcon, Snowman. 


Three movies seemingly 
about birds are 
definitely not for them. 


m 
Matthew Modine sharing dreams in Birdy. 


Ullmann, Jones, Irons in The Wild Duck. 


misadventures with girls, birds, baseballs, 
stray dogs and fl 
admirers of Wharton's wildly whimsical 


ng machines аге all that 


novel might wish, and sensitive teamwork 
by Cage and Modine adds the zing of good 
screen chemistry. 

Later on, though, the film's time- 
leaping format begins to grow cumber- 
some, with increased emphasis on Birdy as 
a virtually catatonic war veteran (the 
book’s World War Two period has been 
updated to post-Vietnam) who appears to 
believe he's in birdland. Al, himself a 
wounded vet still in bandages, with half 
his face shot away, is assigned to coax his 
buddy back to sanity. And here’s where 
the screenplay (by Sandy Kroopf and Jack 
Behr) loses altitude. Birdy winds up being 
grounded by earnest sermonizing, spelling 
out for us the sociopsychological whys and 
wherefores in too many words, words, 
words. Even so, let’s give Parker his due 
for meeting a formidable challenge more 
than halfway. ¥¥¥ 


. 

Movies appear to be going to the birds, 
with The Falcon and the Snowman and 
Birdy accompanied in high formation by 
The Wild Duck (RKR Entertainment). 
Made in Australia with a stunning inter- 
national cast, Henrik Ibsen’s classic play 
co-stars Jeremy Irons and Liv Ullmann. 
Both are blue-ribbon performances, 
though Irons adds more to his pres 
than to his image as a romantic hero with 
this persuasive portrayal of Harold (Ibsen 
called him Hjalmar, but all the names 
have been Anglicized), the weak and self- 
absorbed photographer who disowns his 
young daughter (Lucinda Jones) when he 
learns that she may have been sired by 
another man. Few American male stars 
would dare to accept such a maddeningly 
unsympathetic role. Australia’s Arthur 
Dignam also excels as the cruel friend who 
spills the beans, drives thc rejected child 
to a tragic end and persists in believing 
that men must live without illusions. It's 
Ibsen's thesis that the opposite is true, and 
we necd any kind of help we can get. Wild 
Duck's view of human frailty remains as 
compelling as always, though even meticu- 
lous adaptation cannot disguise the stagi- 
ness and symbolism of a theater piece 
written a century ago. That felled bird the 
child is sheltering in the attic, you'd better 
believe, represents all God's poor crea- 
tures, one way or another. ¥¥¥ 

. 

Former President Richard M. Nixon is 
the one and only character onscreen in 
Secret Honor (Sandcastle 5), subtitled “A 
Political Myth” and directed by Robert 
Altman, no less, in concert with some zeal- 
ots from the University of Michigan. Orig- 
inally an L.A. stage production written by 
Donald Freed and Arnold M. Stone, who 
describe their work as “a fici 
tion,” Honor is a one-man show played 
with devastating impact by actor Philip 


mal medita- 


25 


PLAYBOY 


26 


Baker Hall. he's supposed to be Nixon in 
his study, post-Watergate, boozing and 
wheezing and cursing his fate as well as a 
gallery of great men's portraits—everyone 
from the "whoremaster" Kissinger to 
Eisenhower, Lincoln and “that fuckin’ 
"Washington." Nixon's case for the defense, 
snarled into a tape recorder that gives him 
a lot of trouble, portrays him as the medio- 
cre, mother-smothered tool of power bro- 
kers who degrade the political process and 
usually wind up selling us the Presidents 
we deserve. ¥¥¥ 
LI 

A black detective from Detroit goes 
West to investigate the murder of a pal in 
Beverly Hills Cop (Paramount), which is 
much less serious than it sounds. In fact, 
director Martin Brest’s impudent cops- 
and-robbers comedy (from a screenplay by 
Daniel Petrie, Jr.) gives Eddie Murphy 
another golden opportunity to demon- 
strate his skill as a cheeky saboteur of the 
social order. While Murphy's moxie works 
to bring some smugglers and murderers to 
justice, the long arm of the law in laid-back 
Southern California is flexed rather lan- 
guidly by Judge Reinhold and John Ash- 
ton, as a hilarious team of Beverly Hills 
undercover men who behave like a latter- 
day Laurel and Hardy. As the inevitable 
damsel in distress, Lisa Eilbacher is 
comely if not crucial to the action. 
Although slow getting started, Beverly 
Hills Cop is amiable and original—a funny 
clutter of character sketches that ulti- 
mately yield to Murphy's law and send 
you home feelin’ good. ¥¥¥ 

E 


Call it an entertaining send-up of film 
noir. Call it a vaudeville act. No matter 
what you call it, City Hear (Warner) ought 
to cheer the legions of loyal fans who dis- 
cover surprisingly defi comic chemistry 
between Clint Eastwood and Burt 
Reynolds, respectively playing a police 
lieutenant and a former cop turned private 
gumshoe. Clint’s the invincible, stoic, 
seemingly bulletproof hero who calls his 
onetime colleague Shorty; Burt’s the 
incorrigibly cocky smartass. Together, 
they cruise the dank, mean streets of a 
Mob-ruled early-Thirties American town 
that looks as though George Raft has just 
lammed out of it. Jane Alexander, 
Madeline Kahn, Irene Cara, Rip Torn, 
Tony LoBianco and Richard Roundtree 
help disarm criticism of a featherbrained 
what-the-hell plot concocted by Sam O. 
Brown and Joseph G. Stinson for director 
Richard Benjamin, who knows exactly 
how to make the most of what he has: two 
superstars on a freewheeling spree.¥¥¥ 

. 

Jeff Bridges plays the titular extraterres- 
trial Starman (Columbia) and does a 
remarkable job of sustaining the illusion 
that he is the earthly embodiment of an 
alien from outer space. Specifically, he 
assumes the shape of a recently deceased 
house painter in rural Wisconsin, which 


A pair of cop movies, 
two cosmic voyages and an 
earthly joumey to India. 


Davis in the exotic Passage to India. 


causes considerable emotional conflict for 
the painter's young widow (Karen Allen). 
Directed by John (Halloween) Carpenter, 
Starman is more romantic than sus- 
penseful—in effect, an adult E.T. liberally 
spiced with sex appeal and good humor. 
Allen and Bridges fall in love, of course, as 
they drive cross-country to keep his fateful 
appointment with a mother ship while 
being hotly pursued by the U.S. Army and 
a Government agent bent on vivisection. 
Free-floating somewhere between the con- 
ventions of science fiction and the breezy 
ways of screwball comedy, Carpenter 
doesn't always find the proper balance. 
But Charles Martin Smith, as an eccen- 
tric UFO expert, makes a good go- 
between. ЖУ 


. 

More benign intergalactic forces shake 
up a joint U.S./Soviet space mission in 
2010 (MGM), adapted from Arthur C. 
Clarke's novel (previewed in PLaysoy 


Eddie Murphy leads Beverly Hills Cops Reinhold and Ashton on to some action. 


back in 1982) by writer-producer-director 
Peter Hyams, The movie version is splen- 
didly handsome, high-tech and work- 
manlike. Clarke’s leaps of imagination are 
fortified by Roy Scheider's take-charge 
authority, Helen Mirren's fine credibility 
as a Russian cosmonaut seething with sus- 
picion, plus feisty support by such sea- 
soned troupers as Keir Dullea, Bob 
Balaban and John Lithgow. But what 
more can I tell you after I say yes, Vir- 
ginia, Stanley Kubrick is a tough act to 
follow. HAL 9000—the wayward master. 
computer rcactivated from his 2001: A 
Space Odyssey —has come spinning back at 
erratic speed in a lower orbit. VV 
е 

East meets West and makes а mockery 
of British colonialism in A Passage to India 
(Columbia), based on the durable 1924 
novel by E. M. Forster. Writer-director 
David Lean’s literate, grand and splen- 
didly handsome movic rarcly captures the 
nuances of Eastern mysticism in Forster's 
semiclassic, yet Lean weaves an elegant 
mystery from the tangled tale of a neurotic 
young Englishwoman (Judy Davis) who 
imagines she has been sexually assaulted 
by an Indian doctor (Victor Banerjee). 
James Fox, Alec Guinness and Peggy 
Ashcroft round out the vibrant cast of a 
bookish epic. WW 

б 

Gregory Hines and his fellow black 
headliners at The Cotton Club (Orion) pro- 
vide nearly all the entertainment in 
Francis Coppola's murky megabudget 
fiasco—a flimsy Godfather set to music 
Between the toe-tapping highlights, Ri 
ard Gere and Diane Lane are trapped in 
substandard gangland melodrama, YY 

. 

Cops and robots are the whole idea of. 
Runaway (Tri-Star), a futuristic chase 
movie with Tom Selleck as hero and Gene 
Simmons (of Kiss) as the evil genius he's 
pursuing. Machine-made. YY 


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30 


COMING ATTRACTIONS 


By JOHN BLUMENTHAL 


wot Gossip: Hollywood's recent rediscov- 
ery of the Western continues to gather 
steam with the announcement of two more 
cowboy epics currently in production. The 
first, described as a “large-scale Western,” 
is Columbia's Silverado, co-written and 
directed by Lawrence (The Big Chill) Kasdan 
and starring Kevin Kline, Scott Glenn, Linda 
Hunt, Kevin Costner, Danny Glover and 
Rosanna Arquette. The other, titled Uphill 
All the Way, is а $3,500,000 chase comedy 
set in Texas in 1917, top-lining Mel Tillis, 
Roy Clark and Trish Van Devere. That brings 
the total number of Westerns in produc- 
tion to five, a fair investment considering 
the fact that Hollywood doesn't really 
know if the moviegoing public will be 
interested. . . . Robert Redford and Meryl 
Streep will tcam up for the first time in 
Sydney Pollack’s Out of Africa, based on 
books by Isak Dinesen. Woody Allen's 
next film will be called Hannah and Her 
Sisters. Woody will star along with Michael 
Caine, Farrow, Carrie Fisher, Barbara 
Hershey, Julie Kavner, Maureen O'Sullivan, 
Tony Roberts, Dan Stern, Max von Sydow and 
Dianne Wiest. Naturally, plot details are 
under wraps. 


e. 

THANKS FOR THE MEMORY: Although the pro- 
ducers of Orion's Desperately Seeking 
Susan shudder at the mention of the word 
amnesia, that somewhat overworked ail- 
ment provides the major plot twist in this 
contemporary comedy, due out this 
spring. Rosanna Arquette plays Roberta, a 
bored New Jersey housewife who becomes 
fascinated by a series of newspaper per- 
sonal ads involving a girl named Susan. 
Curiosity eventually overcomes her, and 
Roberta finds herself showing up at a pre- 
arranged meeting place described in one of 
the personal ads to spy on Susan and her 
fantasy lovers. To make a long story short, 
Roberta ends up with Susan's red jacket, 
bumps her noggin, gets amnesia and 
spends the remainder of the movie think- 
ing she's Susan. Directed by Susan (Smith- 
ereens) Seidelman, the flick co-stars rock 
singer Madonna (in her film debut) as the 
much sought-after Susan, and Aidan 
(Reckless) Quinn, 

. 

NUCLEAR FAMILY: Robert Redford's Sundance 
Institute, the Utah-bascd haven for young 
film makers, has joined with Carson Pro- 
ductions to produce Desert Bloom, “an 
emotionally charged period look at family 
life in Fifties Las Vegas," set against the 
imminent arrival of nuclear testing in that 
arca. The family in question is the 
Chismore clan, and its story is told largely 
through the eyes of young Rose (played by 
newcomer Annabeth Gish), a shy 13-year- 
old on the threshold of womanhood. Jon 
Voight plays her alcoholic stepfather, a 


Rosanna Arquette (above) stars as a bored housewife whose life goes from the mundane 
to the adventurous in the soon-to-be-released Desperately Seeking Susan. Frankly, we 
weren't looking forward to Porky's Revenge, third in the Porky's series, until we leamed that 
Miss September 1984, Kimberly Evenson, would show up at Angel Beach High as a Swedish 
transfer student. That's Kim below, preparing to bare all at commencement exercises. 


gas-station owner and World War Two 
vet who spends much of his time crocked 
in front of a short-wave radio; the ubiqui- 
tous JoBeth Williams is the mother, a work- 
ing woman with a case of gambling fever; 
and rounding out the cast is Ellen Barkin, 
who portrays Rose's aunt Starr, a flam- 
boyant divorcee. Set for a fall release, 
Desert Bloom was written and directed by 
Sundance alumnus Eugene Corr. 
. 

SCIENCE MARCHES ON: In Disney's My Sci- 
ence Project, actor John (Christine) Stockwell 
plays a high school senior with two big 
problems—his girlfriend has dumped him 


and he won't graduate unless he can come 
up with a science project within two 
weeks. Desperate, he does what any other 
enterprising high school kid would do: He 
raids a nearby U.S. Air Force supply 
dump, where he just happens to find a cer- 
tain device that will do very nicely as his 
science project—a machine capable of 
creating time warps. Our hero's science 
project has an interesting effect on his 
classmates, not to mention his ex-hippie 
science teacher (played by Dennis Hopper). 
Disney plans to release the film this 


summer. 
E 


GOLD RusH 


O wERESTAKE 


Legend has it Dr. A.P. McGillicuddy 
achieved fame and fortune during 
Canada’s Gold Rush days. They say his 
special concoction called Mentholmint 
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to enjoy it. 

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To enter, complete this entry form and mail to 
DR. McGILLICUDDY'S $15,000 GOLD RUSH 
SWEEPSTAKES 
РО. Box 3015 
Syosset, NY 11775 
Name 
Address —— 
City. — State == 
All entries must be received by April 15, 1985 
Optional Please tell us about yourself 

MO 


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ies Print) 


"Á. 


By DAN JENKINS 


RECENTLY, I told a friend that Га rather be 
forced to discuss California cuisine with a 
precious waiter in San Francisco than go 
skiing again. "That's because I tried to 
learn how to ski in the days when a new 
pair of Bogners left a purple ring around 
my waist (and still looked baggy), when 
lacing up my boots required the help of a 
crane operator and two heavy-duty mov- 
ers, when the Head Standards were almost 
as long as the highway from Fort Worth to 
Waco and when every instructor on the 
slopes looked as if he had just stepped out 
of the prisoner's dock at Nuremberg. 

АП of this combined to keep me from 
learning how to ski very well, but I guess it 
hasn't brought any undue harm to the 
sport. As I type, millions of fashionable, 
pretentious madcaps are once again іп) 
ing the stridently quaint little Alpine v 
lages of the world to trail-drop (“Rustler's 
Dip isn’t nearly as crusty as Nonie's 
Nook"), to mountain-drop (“The back 
bowls at Gretchen's Gorge remind me of 
St. Anton"), to lodge-drop (“Did you 
know that the chef at Heidi's Hutch came 
from the Crillon?") and, ultimately, to lav- 
ish food and drink on Pepi, the handsome 
instructor who will teach you the heel 
thrust while trying to schuss your wife. I 
never had to worry about Pcpi's making it 
with my wife. Maybe it's those sweaters 
they wear—I don't know. Have you ever 
smelled a instructor? 

"You vill follow те!” the instructor 
would shout, his quasi-Nazi voice echoing 
across some chic, aprés-Rockies slope, 
whereupon he would go wedeln (tail- 
wagging) through a corridor of fir trees, 
leaving me locked in a stem turn that 
would eventually send me sliding 4000 
feet, head over binding, into a vat of 
Glühwein. Glühwein? Who the fuck ever 
drank Glühwein? Hey, Traudl—you, the 
Fräulein with the rosy cheeks and yellow 
curls who wants to grow up and someday 
marry an Austrian railroad worker—get 
this lemon-rind cinnamon-stick Burgundy 
shit out of my sight and bring me a Jun- 
ior B., OK? 

“She is the daughter of my friend 
Hannes,” booms the ski instructor, pat- 
ting Traudl playfully on the ass. “Hannes 
brought skiing to this valley. Here the 
snow is always good. Over there, not so 
good.” 

“What's over there?” 

“Switzerland.” 

There's another thing about skiing: Did 
you ever try to smoke on an Alp? Sküng is 
a no-smoking sport. It isn't no-smoking 
the way San Francisco is, because smoking 
offends the sensitivities of so many San 
Franciscans who don't like cigarette fumes 


ITS ALL DOWNHILL 
FROM HERE 


"There has never been 
anything recreational 
about leaning 
down a mountain.” 


with their imported Belgian endive. It’sno- 
smoking because on an Alp, one drag 
turns your lungs into a terrorists’ raid. 

“I would not smoke here," Pepi warned 
one day as we gazed down at a valley of 
chalets perfectly carved from radette 
cheesc. 

“What are we on here, the Eiger?” I 
smirked, flicking the Dunhill. “Here's how 
you smoke on the Eiger.” 

That first inhale knocked me into a 
bent-over reverse-shoulder position from 
which I didn’t recover until I got back to 
Heidi's Hutch and had my one and only 
sip of what I took to be mule piss, a drink 
that is often advertised as hot buttered 
rum. 

Back then, you were supposed to have 
skied with, or bought dinner for, Stein 
Eriksen, or you didn’t dare to be seen in 
stretch pants, Eriksen was a dashing Nor- 
wegian who had won some Olympic med- 
als and then had come to America to 
invent Aspen and the fondueburger. 

I would have met Stein, I suppose, had 
I failed to discover early on that if you 
could ride the chair lift up the mountain, 
you could also ride it down. I think it was 
in Kitzbühel in 1964 that I first introduced 
smoking to the down chair lift. One thing 


about skiing: I never met a gondola I 
didn’t like. 

There was a time when 1 actually 
enjoyed being around the sport. For seven 
years in another life, on another magazine, 
1 hung out and traveled with a group of 
loons known as Coach Bob Beattie and the 
United States Ski Team. 

“This had nothing to do with so-called 
recreational skiing, a term I have always 
thought odd inasmuch as there has never 
been anything recreational about leaning 
down a mountain. The Beattie days, as I 
call them, were wonderful, because they 
laid the groundwork for the hippic-scum 
daredevil Bill Johnson's ass kicking of the 
Europeans in last year’s winter Olympics 
downhill at Sarajevo. We won no gold 
medals in those years, 1964 through 1970, 
but Billy Kidd and Jimmy Heuga won 
some big races and Rip McManus ate a lot 
of stemmed cocktail glasses and Sj 
Sabich horrified all kinds of lodge-dining- 
room guests by taking a mouthful of 
lighter fluid, striking a match and then 
spewing a flame across somebody's rabbit 
stew. We put Volkswagens in Italian hotel 
lobbies for fun, dismantled discos, taught 
the French how to cook steak tartare well 
done, reminded the Austrians of their 
intimate friendship with Himmler and 
Goebbels and had a heck of a doggone 
good time laughing at how genuinely witty 
the Swiss were. 

“My sides ache,” Beattie would say. 
“Those goddamn Swiss have peppered me 
with one-liners all the way from Wengen to 
Lucerne. 

“Yeah, I know,” I said. We were trying 
to get 800 pairs of skis off one train and 
onto another somewhere between Zug and 
Spitz. “I heard a guy say chocolate a while 
ago.” 

“No shit?” said Bob. “I heard a guy say 
Rolex.” 

“Well, of course, they’ve always been 
funny as hell about watches.” 

“Chocolate or watches, I don’t know 
how much more my sides can take,” 
Beattie said. 

“They better not start on one of those 
routines about their trains," I said. “TIl 
fucking die.” 

Christ, the Swiss were funny. 

I still haven't laughed as hard as I did in 
those days, 1 don't think—not even now, 
when I have to crecp down a dark alley in. 
order to light a Winston in San Francisco 
or when I'm discussing the revolutionary 
rear-entry boot with a serious skier. 

Like the other day. A man said, “What 
do you think of the SX-91s?” 

“Well, you’ve got to like the flex adjust- 
ment," I said, “but, frankly, Pm still a 
four-buckle, crank-'em-down-tight kind 
of guy, you know? See you on 
Ajax.” 


By STEPHEN BIRNBAUM 


just sav the word Texas and two adjectives 
jump into your head: big and rich. Two 
Texas cities, in particular—Dallas and 
Houston—serve as America's best defini- 
tion of everything that's larger than life. 
There, even the local jokes center on the 
larger, the more luxurious—and, espe- 
cially, the more expensive. So it stands to 
reason that those two cities have become 
the sites of a lusty competition to see who 
can construct the most opulent hostel- 
ries— which means that you, fellow travel- 
ers, can also live like the filthy rich for a 
night or two. 

In Dallas, the Terrace Suite at The 
Mansion on Turtle Creek is among the 
most lavish suites. It may not mean much 
to you that this establishment is owned 
and operated by Rosewood Hotels —until 
you discover that Rosewood is the corpo- 
rate moniker of Caroline Hunt Schoellkopf 
(billionaire Bunker's baby sister), one of 
the daughters of the late H. L. Hunt and 
arguably the richest woman in a state 
where that handle has real meaning. The 
ce Suite boasts 1600 square feet of 
living space and a spectacular view of the 
Dallas skyline from a terrace big enough to 
hold the entire Cowboys Cheerleaders 
corps. A fully equipped butler’s pantry 
and kitchen makes it easy for a resident. 
chef to whip up any sort of special mid- 
night snack. 

Probably the worst-kept secret of last 
summer's Republican conclave in Dallas 
was that President Reagan himself put on 
s jammies at the Loews Anatole, the 
largest hotel in the Southwest. Not surpris- 
ingly, our Chief Executive and Mrs. 
Gipper were ensconced in all 2200 square 
feet of the Grand Presidential Suite. For a 
cool $1000 a day, one gets an MGM-style 
bedroom-bathroom with gleaming gold 
fixtures and whirlpool, plus butler. 

"The opportunity to arrive via gleaming- 
mahogany water taxi is one of the most 
impressive features of the Mandalay Four 
Seasons Hotel, situated on a canal that 
roams through the Las Colinas area, 
between downtown Dallas and thc air- 
port. Here, the Governor's Suite, even 
though not the hotel’s largest, is the top 
choice. Its decor is described as Western, 
though it's tough to figure out how the 
Louis XIV fireplace fits in. 

But not every hotel in the colorful 
Dallas/Fort Worth area makes its mark 
solely through elegance and excess. Take, 
for example, the Stockyards Hotel, in the 
historic stockyards district of Fort Worth. 
Just a couple of years ago, this hostelry 
had deteriorated into a haunt for local 
winos; then new owners purchased and 
redid the property in a style they call 
cattle-baron baroque. Western saddles 
have now replaced all the bar stools, ceil- 


THE SUITE LIFE 
IN TEXAS 


“You can live like 
the filthy rich for 
a night or two.” 


ing fans provide the ventilation and bath- 
rooms are furnished with pull-chain toilets 
and some with claw-footed bathtubs. The 
Bonnie and Clyde Suite is the extra-spe- 
cial attraction, commemorating an actual 
stay by the infamous pair. Bonnie's old pis- 
tol, framed, and clippings describing the 
couple’s illegal exploits adorn the walls. 

Although Houston is thought of as a 
wildcatter’s city, far less decorous than 
Dallas, lots of the same oil and beef money 
has flowed south to the Buffalo Bayou. 
Mrs. Schoellkopf's signature is found at 
the Remington on Post Oak Park, where 
the 5-Bay Suite is the choice of guests who 
like their comforts in the luxurious lane. 
Two sitting areas, two bedrooms, a dining 
area and a skylighted terrace combine 
with a full kitchen and a fireplace in living 
room and master bedroom. A personal 
chef is but a phone call away, and the full- 
height window walls let in as much light as 
occupants may (or may not) desire. 

At thc Four Scasons Hotcl, Houston 
Center, the Presidential Suite contains 
only three rooms, but they're furnishe 
rare taste and style—with Baccarat wall 
sconces, Duncan Phyfe armchairs, a Sher- 
aton sofa, framed tapestries and additional 
pieces bearing such designs as Hepple- 
white, from eras as notable as that of 
George IIT. This is a suite in which it's lit- 
erally possible to let Georgian do it. 


But for the ultimate, nothing rivals the 
Celestial Suite at Houston's Astro Village 
Hotel, which was listed in the Guinness 
Book of World Records as the most expen- 
sive (more than $3000 a day) in the world. 
Its 13 rooms are a testament to excess that 
dwarfs all competitors. It was the creation 
of Judge Roy Hofheinz, the self-made 
Houston legend who, among other t| 
crcatcd the Astrodome. 

Judge Hofheinz lived in the Cele: 
Suite for two years, and it’s almost impos- 
sible to convey the extravagance of the 
decor. Upon leaving the elevator, guests 
face the Foyer of Fountains, intended to 
evoke the youth-restoring object of Ponce 
de León's search. The Lane of Lanterns, 
designed with New Orleans’ French Quar- 
ter in mind, sets a spectacular stage for 
what's to come. 

The Sadie Thompson Suite has been 
unashamedly constructed as a South 
Pacific bamboo hut (with mosquito net- 
ting over the bed), and everything reminds 
visitors (not very subtly) of the lady of ill 
repute in Somerset Maugham’s tale. The 
Lilian Russell Suite sits right next to 
Sadie's room, and the furnishings here go 
well beyond the merely ornate. 

After the Acapulco Patio comes the 
P. T. Barnum Suite, where the Big Top 
Room contains three circles on the carpet 
and three more on the ceiling to provide 
precise boundaries for any acrobatics (or 
other feats of derring-do) guests might 
care to consider. The bed in the adjoining 
Bandwagon Room looks a little short, but 
it’s actually wider than a king-size model; 
it’s made from a calliope, wheels and all 
Still more surprises await next door in 
the Adventure Suite. Here the two-story 
Tarzan Room is vine-covered (talk about 
opportunities for swinging). The adjoining 
bedroom is called the Fu Manchu Room. 
Then the the main Celestial Suite, 
which includes the memorable Mandarin 
Bath, the Roman Bath and something 
called the Minidome. This last is a sports 
fan’s dream, for it includes a working rep- 
lica of the Astrodome’s own spectacular 
scoreboard on which it’s possible to keep 
track of any activity or competition in 
which you happen to be engaged. Only in 
Texas, folks. 

I suppose no treatise on the suite life in 
Texas would be complete without at least 
one real ranch. A new favorite is Randy 
Moore's spread in Omaha (Texas, not 
Nebra 
Randy rent electively; six 
auto executives stayed there during last 
summer's Dallas Grand Prix. Since Randy 
imself a rodeo rider, all sorts of rodeo 
memorabilia fill bis Spanish-type house. 
"There's also a pool and hot tub. The auto 
guys paid about $1500 a day; Randy says 
he knows they enjoyed themselves, 
because they left him a car as a tip. 


33 


Э mg. “tar”. 07 mg. nicotine av. pue тепе, ЕТС Report FEB. 84, КО 7 


A Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined 
| That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health. 


Great Taste 
with Low Tar. 
That's Success! 


By ASA BABER 


THE HEADLINE caught my eye: “STUDY: BOYS: 
FANTASIES MORE OUTLANDISH THAN GIRLS, 77 
Oh, no, I said to myself. If the world fig- 
ures out that we men are in reverie much 
of the time, that fantasy is as central to our 
lives as breathing, what secrets will we 
have left? 

Fortunately, that article had its limits. It 
described a study that had been conducted 
by Malcolm Watson of Brandeis Univer- 
sity. Under the auspices of the National 
Institute of Mental Health, he had exam- 
ined the fantasies of 45 youngsters at a 
day-care center. What he found will not 
surprise any of the men I know. But I 
think I can speak for all of them when I 
say that I'm glad that Watson confined his 
research to boys and did not go on to dis- 
cover that men are no different. 

“Little boys pass as much as a quarter 
of their playtime fantasizing spaceship 
rides, ray-gun duels and other outlandish 
adventures,” the article said, “while girls 
are far less likely to act out unrealistic 
escapades.” 

Big news. Who's surprised? I'm not, 
and neither is my spaceship. I take a ride 
every day. I used to go behind the moon 
and over to Mars, but recently I've been 
trying to get out to the edges of the uni- 
verse, because that’s the territory that 
truly fascinates me. Usually I have a pai 
ner on my space explorations. Usually 
Debra Winger.. Sometimes it's Gol 
Hawn. OK, once in a while it's Seka, but I 
certainly wouldn't admit that publicly. 
Our trips are very nice, though fraught 
with danger. Often I have to climb into 
my space suit and repair the magvite 
magtrometer on the external computer 
gyroscope. This is dangerous and difficult 
work, but boy oh boy, do I get rewarded 
when I'm safely back in the ship. Those 
women are glad to see me. All three of 
them. They ask what they can do for me 
and I show them. 

Watson found that “bizarre, often com- 
bative, daydreams filled with magic and 
the supernatural are the almost exclusive 
domain of little boys. . . . Sometimes pre- 
school boys pretend they are spies and 
superheroes. . . . Woven through these illu- 
sions are conflicts between good guys a 
bad guys.” 

Did you hear that? “Illusions.” Who the 
hell does Malcolm Watson think he is? 
Illusions? Listen, just yesterd 
Berlin, OK? It was 1939. I was a newspa- 
per reporter. Look, if you're going to mock 
me, just stop reading this right now, all 
right? Because this really happened. I was 
in Berlin and Gocbbels was pissed off at 
me because of my dispatches to the 
Chicago Daily News. A beautiful blonde 
who looked a lot like Goldie Hawn had 
given me information that there were con- 


I was in 


NAKED AT 
GENDER САР 


"Debra Winger scolded me, 
but | could tell that she 
was very proud of my 

coolness under pressure." 


centration camps outside Munich, and I 
had sneaked through the forest and photo- 
graphed the barracks and the crematori- 
ums and then had gone back to my hotel to 
write about them. That series had won the 
Pulitzer Prize, and Hitler was furious. 
After Goebbels chewed me out, Hitler 
wanted his turn. As I marched into his 
office, I pulled out my Xenon Laser Rela- 
tivity Gun. The great thing about this gun 
is that you never kill anybody with it— 
you just send him into a deepfreeze in 
outer space for 6000 years. “Adolf,” I said 
with my Humphrey Bogart smile, “there 
are good guys and bad guys, and guess 
which you are?” I disappeared him— 
zap!—like that. I stopped World Y 
Two. Let me tell you, that blonde back 
Munich was grateful. 

“Girls the same age also spend lots of 
time pretending, but their fantasies are 
almost realistic domestic dra- 
In fact, the girls studied never 
io the unrealistic never-never 
land that so fascinated little boys.” 

There he goes again. "Never-never 
land." Why is it that researchers are so 
condescending? What do they know, any- 
way? Take my trip to the French Riviera a 
few minutes ago. I suppose that’s a never- 
never land? I broke the bank at Monte 
Carlo. Seriously, 1 did. I started with only 


in 


50 cents and through grit, pluck and luck, 
I worked my way toward a small fortune. 
There was this big Sicilian guy at the rou- 
lette table, and I challenged him to a series 
of bets—pick a number, pick a color, pick 
ny combination. Debra Winger was so 
nervous, she could hardly watch. Man, I 
was hot. We played for 16 straight hours 

nd I won, lost, won again, lost again; and 
then, at dawn, with the sky the color of 
smoked glass, I broke the bank on one last 
brilliant bet. Whew, that was a close one, 
I suddenly realized. Debra Winger scolded 
me, but I could tell that she was actually 
very proud of my coolness under pressure. 
She gave me a massage and then tucked 
me into my bunk on our yacht. 

The most dangerous part of the study— 
the part that could show that not one of us 
emperors ever wears clothes—reads as fol- 
lows: “Watson found the high fantasy 
among boys four or five years old but not 
among toddlers who were two years or 
younger. “This shows that it increases with 
age ? Watson said” (i 

It is to be hoped tha 
continue along these li 
is very troublesome territory. If he proves 
what we men already know, and ifour ten- 
dency toward fantasy is successfully 
exposed, we will never hear the end of it. 
Daydreams and night dreams are where 
we frequently live, but we cover our tracks 
by appearing busy, industrious, organized, 
mature. We know we're not any of those 
things, but we hope nobody else know 

The answer, of course, lies with me in 
my secret life. 1 will tal are of the likes of 
Malcolm Watson. 1 will deny everything. 
Watson and I will be debating on ional 
TV. The whole country will be watching, 
id I will lie like a rug for my fellow men, 
ming that real men don't fantasize, 
that our minds are always on our jobs. I 
t and resplendent, and 
the issue will be put to rest. 

Of course, I will also be a little sweaty, 
because I will have just come in from my 
rock concert, where my fans loved my 
music so much that they wouldn’t let 
me go. Nevertheless, 1 will win the TV 
debate with Watson, and people will be 
impressed. George Will will shake my 
hand. “I always thought you were a pinko 
faggot Communist,” he will say with a 
warm smile, “but you certainly protected 
the reputations of us men this evening.” 
My arm will be hurting a little, because 
nobody can come back with only one day's 
rest and pitch a perfect final world-series 
game for the Cubs and not feel some pain. 
But I will grin and bear it. And when the 
shouting's over and I'm walking back to 
my limousine, Debra Winger will hug me, 
Goldie Hawn will giggle, Seka will pout 
and I will smile. 

Not just at them, cither, but at my 
trusty spaceship, too. 


35 


PLAYBOY 


Gotten a 
ticket 


This... instead of these. 


Last year, more than 8 million” citations 
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WARNING DISTANCE IN MILES 


OVER HILL TEST 


© Motor Trend, Aug. 1983 


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By CYNTHIA HEIMEL 


ır WASN'T UNTIL perhaps the 20th time that 
my loved one looked reverently into the 
toaster that I finally caught on. 

“Му God, you're staring at your reflec- 
tion in my toaster," I sai 

"Of course," he said. “It's the perfect 
height.” Which it is; it sits atop the refrig- 
erator. 

“Why don't you use the full-length mir- 
ror?" I pondered. 

“1 would, but your son won't get out of 
my way." 

Thus I realized that I was living in a 
hotbed of male vanity. Discrect question- 
ing determined that I am not alone. Every 
woman I know who has men around the 
house reports the same. There is a myth 
that men care nothing about externals and 
wouldn't know a shirt stud if it bit them on 
the nose. In fact, your average male has a 
pronounced sense of taste and style. 

Yet men don't like to shop. I have 
noticed that department stores, and even 
small specialty shops, turn many fellows 
surly, impatient, nearly tearful. They are 
easily daunted. At times, they will even go 
so far as to let a woman shop for them. 

"Two reasons not to let women shop for 
you: 

l. Even the sweetest of us can't help 
ourselves—if given the chance, we'll turn 
you into an accessory. We'll buy you a 
brown suit that shows our mink coat to 
advantage. We'll choose high-heeled lizard 
cowboy boots for you to accentuate our 
diminutive size. We'll decide you need a 
deerstalker cap because we fancy ourselves 
Anglophiles. Think about this. Do you 
really want to be a glorified handbag? 

2. Women only think they know how to 
choose men's clothes. We get the broad 
idea, but we're unaware of nuance. Lapel 
size, for example, is a closed book to us. 
We just do not understand about lapels. 
You can't expect us to, just as we know you 
don't understand that if a woman wears a 
belted tunic or high heels with trousers, 
she probably comes from the suburbs. 

But there is one area in which we can 
help: We know how to shop. Wc are, in 
fact, fearless; and 1, for one, have got the 
scientific principles of shopping down pat. 
Here they are: 

Know what you want. Lic down, close 
your eyes and let your entire wardrobe 
dance, sugarplumlike, through your head. 
If you concentrate long enough, you'll 
realize that your soul is crying out for a 
pair of gray-flannel slacks, with maybe а 
nice forest-green Viyella shirt 

"This is really important. If you don't do 
this, you'll walk into a shop, look hope- 
lessly at the piles and piles of items, buy a 
lime-green sweater and fice. When you get 
home, you'll open your sweater drawer, 
where you'll find half a dozen more lime- 


HOW TO 
DRESS YOURSELF 


"Chances are, you're not the 
Scottish-castle kind of guy.” 


green sweaters, all still wearing price tags. 
This is the established pattern of panicked 
shoppers—they buy the same inappropri- 
ate garment relentlessly. 

Whenever possible, avoid bargains. Possi- 
bly, you've heard the expression “You get 
what you pay for." Make this your creed. 
There's always a reason that the wool 
blazer you have your eye on costs only 
$19.99, and the reason, unfortunately, is 
not that the store’s proprietors are 
philanthropists. 

Go ahead; don't believe me. Buy the 
wool blazer if you must. The first thing 
you'll notice when you get it home is that 
it isn't actually wool but merely some clev- 
erly insinuating polyester. You won't care 
at first. But when hard little pills start 
forming on your sleeves after the third 
wearing, you'll be woebegone. Two wear- 
ings later, the blazer will begin to fall to 
bits, You won't notice this, because thc 
unraveling invariably starts at the back, 
Your friends will snicker and not tell you. 

The only bargains that may be real are 
items on sale from decent shops. But 
beware: It's easy to be seduced by a 
markdown. You wouldn’t look twice at 
that $45 orange brocaded vest if you 
hadn't noticed that it once cost $200. The 
trick is to never look at the original price, 
probably a lic anyway. Another trick is to 
go to a sale on the first day, when they may 
still have something in your size. Always 
remember there is a very good reason that. 


things are cheap. 

Get a firm grasp on your taste. Every 
human has his own style, but only approx- 
imately ten percent of us know it. Others 
of us look at the mannequins in store win- 
dows, see a beautifully complicated Japa- 
nese ensemble, get very excited and 
actually buy this mélange. Or we may leaf 
through some fashion pages, see a guy ina 
tweed suit standing in front of a castle in 
Scotland and think, That's me. 

Chances arc, it isn't. Chances are, 
you're not the Scottish-castle kind of guy 
but a down-vest-and-corduroy-trousers 
kind of guy or a black-leather-from-head- 
to-toe kind of guy or a soigne-silk-suit sort 
of fellow. It pays to know this, because if. 
you don't know who you are, some snot- 
nosed salesman is bound to tell you. 

Stop whining about ties. A man who com- 
plains that he has to wear a tie is a tedious 
man, indecd. Ties can bc very pleasant. À 
good tie can offset bland clothes and make 
them look spiffy. Ties even look nice with a 
work shirt and jeans. Don't tell me that 
ties are constricting. I refuse to listen, 
because I have worn five-inch heels and 
know the true meaning of the word. If you 
think ties are constricting, you're probably. 
buying your shirt collars too tight. Or 
maybe you just hate your job. 

When in doubt, avoid all cuteness. Shoes 
with fun tassels, shirts with epaulets, belts 
with buckles shaped like Mack trucks and 
blouson jackets with about 80 decorative 
pockets fall into this category. 

Natural fabrics are best. They last longer 
or, at least, wear out more attractively. 
And natural fibers are honest, whereas 
most polyesters and acrylics are pretend- 
ing to be silk, wool or cotton. Clothes 
made out of fake fabrics tend to have an 
inferiority complex, the last thing the 
wearer needs while out on a date with the 
girl of his dreams. 

If you're cf the poverty-stricken persua- 
sion, get your natural fabrics at vintage- 
clothing stores. They were made better in 
the old days, anyway. [t is also a well- 
known fact that famous Italian designers 
cruise these shops, find a particularly tasty 
tweed coat for $25, make a modern facsim- 
ile and slap it with a $600 price tag. 

Be man enough to admit your real size. 
There is a strong chance that your waist 
size has changed since your days on the 
high school football team. You're fooling 
yourself if you try to squeeze yourself, 
sausagelike, into 32-waist jeans when all 
the world can see you need at least a 34. 

To thine oum self be true. Buy only things. 
you really love. Never settle for mere infat- 
uation, and never listen to anyone else. If 
you must listen to someone else, listen to 
an old guy. Old guys know stuff. They 
understand quality. But even an old 
mec (Y) 


37 


THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 


VA Pest esa sa 
male? A couple of friends and I were talk- 
ing about sex recently, and we came up 
with this question: How docs a male lose 
his virginity in a homosexual relationship? 
Would both partners lose their virginity in 
the same act or would they have to switch 
positions? Or do they have to have sex 
with a female to lose it?—C. S., De Kalb, 
Illinois 

We think virginily is an outmoded concept. 
As Thomas Pynchon once wrote, you break 
your cherry on something every day. The clas- 
sical definition applies to the first time you 
have intercourse with a female, but that is 
only one of the firsts. What about the first time 
you try oral sex or anal sex? Your first 
nooner? Your first time outdoors? Your first 
time with а crowd? The first time sex works 
for both of you? The first time you do it twice? 
The first time you do it with someone you. 
love? The first time you do it with a complete 
stranger? There is a difference between labels 
and behavior. If you have your first orgasm 
with a member of the same sex, il doesn't nec- 
essarily mean that you are gay 


fcr splurging on a compact-disc player 
and a raft of compact discs, I’m wondering 
whether or not I have to storc my discs 
with special care. I've heard they're nearly 
indestructible; but they're so expensive, 
Fd hate to have to test that. Can you 
help?—M. T., San Dicgo, California. 

You'll be OK if you just give them the same 
careful treatment that you give your conven- 
tional LPs. CDs are not indestructible, just 
less fragile than your vinyl discs. Dust, 
scratches and grease can all affect the reada- 
bility of the new CDs and can, in extreme 
cases, make them unplayable. Scratches can- 
not be lifted, but dust should be removed with 
a polishing cloth and fingerprints with water. 
Avoid storing CDs near heat, to prevent 
warpage. Unlike conventional discs, they 
cannol be hurt by repeated. playing—but if 
you use one for a discus, that’s what you'll 
end up with. 


m 20 years old, and my girlfriend and 1 
have been together for almost a year and a 
half. We love each other very much and 
have always had an honest and open sex 
there are never any complaints, and it 
is always an exciting and fulfilling experi- 
ence for both of us. However, after a recent 


lovemaking session, she made the com- 
ment “Why does sex һауе to be so messy?" 
"This has been in my mind also, but I've 
never said anything about it. Most of the 
time, when wc make love, I (we) like it 
when I stay inside her until [ am almost 
limp again. Then, if I get up to piss or 


get something to drink, I have to use tissue 


to wipe any excess semen (and I'm assum- 
ing her vaginal juices, too) from my penis 
and pubic hair. I’m also assuming that she 
has to do the same, or else she wouldn't 
have made thc comment in the first place. 
Since then, our sexual activity has 
decreased a significant amount. My ques- 
tions are, What, if anything, can be done 
about this predicament? and Just how 
much of the “mess” is mine and how much 
is hers?—B. D., Danville, California. 

It is said that no one remembers what an 
orgasm feels like, so maybe the mess is 
nature's way of telling us that we've just had. 
sex. We think you are making too much of опе 
negative comment. There are several solu- 
tions. You might place a towel and a warm 
washcloth by the bed before you make love. 
That way, no one has to get up. You can use a 
condom with a reservoir tip to collect most of 
the vital bodily fluids. You can lick each other 
until you are squeaky clean, or you can 
shower together. A little soapsuds in the right 
place can lead to a second round. You can 
make love frequently (ejaculate diminishes 
with each orgasm) or masturbate beforehand. 
As for arguing over which part of the mess 15 
yours and which is hers—afterplay is not the 
time for a property settlement. It’s a fine mess 
you've gotten into—enjoy it. 


В have heard of a four-foot-diameter dish 
antenna for satellite reception. What is 
your opinion of this product? If the four- 
foot size can do the job, why all the fuss 
about the ten- and 12-foot dishes?—O. T., 
Racine, Wisconsin. 

The actual antenna that recetves satellite 
signals is the relatively small device you see 
suspended near the center of the dish. The 


purpose of the dish itself is to collect and focus 
the signal from the satellite onto this antenna. 
The size and shape of the dish are calculated 
to provide the proper surface for the beamed 
signal, which, for most satellite television, has 
been sent down from a five-watt transmitter 
operaung on the four-gigahertz (that's four 
billion hertz) band and aimed approximately 
at the geographical center of the U.S. All 
other things bemg equal, if the transmitting 
power were increased or if the transmitting 
frequency were changed, then a smaller dish 
might do the job. In any event, it would have 
to work harder the farther away from the cen- 
ter of the U.S. it was used. 

There is some word of an experimental sat- 
ellite system using a ten- or 12-watt transmit- 
ter on the 12-gHz band, but we have no 
information yet as to the kind of reception it 
can provide on a given-size dish. At this writ- 
ing, then, the effectiveness of a dish antenna 
appreciably smaller than the prevailing ten to 
12 feet in diameter remains uncertain. 
Caveat emptor! 


Патан tidie emn 
very strange situation with a 31-year-old 
single female. For the past four years, I 
have been a close friend and intellectual 
peer of this woman's. Now I don't know 
what the hell our relationship has become. 
She has been living with a guy for six 
years. Until now, he could do no wrong. 
He recently got a major career going and 
spends a lot of time at work. Well, you 
know the rest of the story—but not 
exactly. She has started telling me that he 
is such a wimp and has come on tome, yet 
our sexual behavior is strictly the twi- 
light zone. She loves for me to pet her and 
talk as dirty as possible to her, but she says 
that I do not turn her on at all. We do a lot 
of dry sex and even have acted out some of 
her rape fantasies. There is nothing in this 
for me, but I do this crap because I love 
her and have told her so. She says that she 
feels guilty for leading me оп. Help!— 
D. L. P., Dallas, Texas. 

Ifyou believe that sex in the twilight zone is 
better than no sex at all, you may have found 
the perfect relationship. It sounds to us as if 
you are the transitional man—the shoulder lo 
cry on, the ear to whisper rape fantasies into. 
Sometimes these things turn into some- 
thing else. Sometimes they don't. Maybe it's 
time to search for someone who can recipro- 
cate. It’s your decision. 


A few months ago, on The Playboy 
Channel, I saw a video tape ofa sexual-aid 
party that had been made in a woman's 
home. A group of women had been invited 
to their friend's home to view and also pur- 
chase vibrators and other items and just 
have a good time. Since then, I have asked 


PLAYBOY 


40 


all my friends if they've ever heard of such 
a party, and they think I've dreamed it up. 
I'd really like to have one of those parties, 
but I can't find an agent. Please give me 
some information, so I can show my 
friends I'm not dreaming.—Mrs. T. C., 
Detroit, Michigan. 

We're sorry to have left you alone in the 
dark, but we hope we can make it up to you. 
The party featured on The Playboy Channel 
was sponsored by Alexis Home Parties. For. 
information on joining the fun, contact 
Catherine Alexis at 600 North McClurg 
Court, Suite 1803, Chicago, Illinois 60611. 


IM, она is 37 years old and I am 
22. We are well suited to cach other, have 
a lot in common and both love and like 
each other. Although we are so compati- 
ble, he cannot handle the pressures we 
receive from our families, friends and oth- 
ers. It started with jokes about “robbing 
the cradle” for him and “What are you 
buying him for Christmas, a rocking 
chair?" for mc. These remarks annoy me, 
because they reflect the ignorance and 
immaturity of those making them. Howev- 
er, they are devastating for him. His cous- 
in's family, to which he has been very close 
for many years, has decided to ostracize 
him from its activities. That exclusion, 
along with similar actions by other 
"friends," has really depressed him, Al- 
though we have made new friends who 
accept or don't care about our situation, it 
is not enough. My boyfriend feels that to 
solve the problem we should break up and 
I should find someone better suited to 
me—that is, someone my own age. He 
admits to placing too much emphasis on 
others’ reactions but cannot free himself 
from their pressures. Another point worth 
mentioning is a comment he made. While 
embracing me, he whispered, “I guess I'm 
destined to be a bachelor.” Is there any- 
thing I can do to alleviate these pressures? 
1 feel our relationship is worth saving. It is 
beautiful, and to others, its quality is envi- 
able. I have learned a tremendous amount 
about myself and about others, but do 
learning and love have to be so painful?— 
Miss B. H., St. Catharines, Ontario. 

There is no simple cure for the insensitivity 
and outright rudeness of others. Your boy- 
friend should understand that as well. What 
the two of you have is special to you and is 
certainly worth hanging on to. It's too bad 
that people close to you feel the need to be so 
judgmental. Hold your heads high and 
ignore them; the difference in your ages is 
your business. The only people who grow old 
are the people who “act” their age. 


Deveson told thatyou should “turn into’? 
a skid. Not long ago, I found myself skid- 
ding on a slippery road and suddenly real- 
ized I didn't know what that meant! Vm not 
sure exactly what happened, but whatever 
I did was apparently wrong and I ended 
up spinning out and sliding off the road. 
Luckily, I didn't hit anything, but the inci- 


dent really got my attention. Can you offer 
any tips on slippery-road driving that 
might help me stay out of trouble in the 
future?—P. B., Los Angeles, California. 

Sure. Invite two beautiful friends over, 
give us a call and we'll hang out by the fire at 
your place until the road dries up. Seriously, 
your car lost traction because you were going 
too fast for conditions or did something 
(turned, braked or accelerated) suddenly 
enough to upset the suspension. First, what- 
ever you do, don’t touch the br Standing 
on the brakes is the fastest way into the ditch, 
or worse, because sliding tires have no trac- 
tion for steering or cornering. Second, obvi- 
ously, stop doing whatever you're doing to 
cause the skid. If you're trying to turn sharper 
than the car will go, back off. If you're 
already on the brakes or the accelerator, ease 
off. This settles the suspension and lets the car 
slow down on its own, which will get the tires 
rolling and gripping again. “Turning into” 
a rear-wheel skid means pointing the front 
the same way the back end is heading, which 
must be done quickly but smoothly. As soon as 
both ends of the car are going the same way, 
you've essentially saved it. Now, just as 
quickly and smoothly, turn the steering back 
the way you want to go—and a little farther. 
This will catch the counterskid that often 
results when the rear end slides back into line 
but overshoots a bit. Once you've handled any 
counterskid, you're home free. A front-wheel 
skid (when the front wheels continue straight 
instead of steering) is handled in much the 
same way: Ease off the controls to slow and 
regain traction, then gently try steering 
again. Also, importantly, always keep your 
eyes on where you want to go, not on where 
the car may be heading at any given moment: 
If you're not looking the right way, how can 
you aim there? Your peripheral vision will 
take care of the rest. Finally, do yourself a 
favor and find a nice, big, open, slippery 
(and empty) parking lot to practice on. With 
practice, proper skid control can become 
almost second nature. 


Ham about to graduate from college. I 
have been offered a good job with a rea- 
sonable income. Now comes the hard 
part: how to spend it. I've been told that 
I should save, practice self-denial and 
build toward the future. I've been offered 
formulas—30 percent for housing, ten per- 
cent for saving, etc. What do you 
recommend?—R. S., St. Louis, Missouri. 
Financial planning is the key to having 
fun on a regular basis, One expert described 
budget planning as the process by which we 
figure out what we want and how to pay for 
it, The point of a budget is not to live like a 
monk, It is a means of organizing your 
income into a pool of discretionary funds. 
How you spend money says as much about 
you as your love life, career or handwriting. 
Certain steps ave essential. Set priorities. 
Most budget pies divide income into food, 
housing, transportation, recreation and sav- 
ings. There is no set formula. The rule is to 
pay yourself first—ten percent at the very 


least. Build a reserve so that you can change 
Jobs—if you want—a few years down the 
road. Beyond that, you are on your own. Do 
you want to see the world? Do you want to 
stay in hotel rooms with room service? Do you 
want to dress for success? Do you want the 
Porsche you dreamed of as a kid? Is music the 
love of your life? Would you save to buy 
the state-of-the-art audiophile equipment 
your ears deserve? Housing can wait until 
you are settled and have built credit. Avoid 
impulse purchases. Go for quality experiences 
and quality goods. Don’t use credit cards for 
perishable uems like travel—playmg now 
and paying later is a drag. All a budget does 
ts let you find a way, the easiest way possible, 
to maximize your resources. 


IM, lover and 1 enjoy a great variety of 
things that we do for and to each other. 
One thing that we do not enjoy as much as 
we might, however, is anal sex. Once 
we've begun, we both get great satisfac- 
tion, but when I enter her, she is 
caused more pain than my conscience can 
stand. Since her pain seems to be caused 
more by friction than by stretching, lubri- 
cation seemed to be the answer. A lubri- 
cated condom, we reasoned, had the 
added benefit of containing the usual un- 
aesthetic aftermath. However, the lubri- 
cant turned out to be volatile and by the 
time we were ready, it had dried. The 
result was worse than not using anything. 
I understand that petroleum jelly and 
some other substances damage the vinyl 
in a condom and make it useless. So, 
my question is this: What may be used 
as a supplementary lubricant with 
condoms?—C. N., New York, New York. 

You're right: Greasy kids’ stuff is not the 
answer. Petroleum jelly can cause the rubber 
in a condom to deteriorate. It also tends to dry 
out membranes, which can lead to discomfort. 
We recommend using a water-soluble lubri- 
cant such as K-Y jelly or a specific sex-aid 
product such as Transilube. In a pinch (or on 
a backwoods camping trip), saliva is great for 
slip-sliding away, Baby oil is also fine. You 
may want to heat it in the microwave first, for 
an added thrill. You don’t have to apply it to 
the condom. Try manual stimulation of the 
anus before attempting penetration. It is nat- 
ural for the anal sphincter to contract in an 
involuntary protective reaction. The spasm 
can last for a minute or longer. However, 
there is an eventual relaxation response, al 
which time you should be able to make your 
move. 


All reasonable questions—from fashion, 
food and drink, stereo and sports cars to dating 
problems, taste and etiquette—uill be person- 
ally answered if the writer includes a stamped, 
self-addressed envelope, Send all letters to The 
Playboy Advisor, Playboy Building, 919 N. 
Michigan Avenue, Chicago, Illinois 60611. 
The most provocative, pertinent queries 
will be presented on these pages each month. 


Lorilard. USA. 1984 


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4l 


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DEAR PLAYMATES 


Remember the old tune Breaking Up Is 
Hard to Do? Is it still true? How do you 
treat someone once it’s over between you? 
For the answers, we checked in with our 
Playmate advisors 

The question for the month: 


How do you break up with a guy? 


F just tell him it’s nor going to work and 1 
try to make him understand why. I try to 
answer all his questions, because I want us 
to be friends. 
The most com- 
mon reason I 
have broken up 
with a man is 
that I need 
more time for 
myself. My best 
relationships 
have been part 
time. Then 
each of us had 
time and space 
for our own 
work and our own lives. If I get overly 
involved, 1 feel smothered. Someday, ГЇЇ 
want to be married, but right now, I don't 
want so much intensity. 


Да. ад 


LISA WELCH 
SEPTEMBER 1980 


| ug yatay EEG bê finde ares 
breakup, probably because in the process 
of breaking up, I have already started to 
avoid him. Га rather let a relationship 
fizzle out than 
say, “I just 
don't want to 
see you any- 
more.” Why? I 
keep thinking 
about how bad 
it would hurt if p= 
someone said 
those words to 
me. Of course, 
avoiding him 
makes it worse, 
and so we never 
end up friends. Confrontation makes me 
feel too mean, but I guess it probably 
hurts worse if you don't talk it out. 


WM had to break up a three-and-a-half year 
relationship, and it was very tough. Some- 
one has to be the one to say, “OK, this 
isn't working out. I'd rather be your friend 
than your 
enemy. So get 
your shit and 
be out by 
nine." I had to 
sit down and 
tell the truth: 
that my feeling 
for him had 
changed and if 
we separated, 
maybe we 
could save a 
friendship and 
also avoid a lot of future aggrayation. I 
don't disappear. That is a real cop-out 
Each of us deserves an explanation and 
the opportunity to speak. So you guys: 
Don't disappear on me, either! ll hunt 
you down and you'll be sorry! 


Denim ЙД 


LORRAINE MICHAELS. 
APRIL 1981 


"Т лг» a difficult question. Гус had only 
two real boyfriends, and when I broke up 
with the first one, it was after five years 
with him. It was very hard, and it took 
a couple of m 
months just to 
really say, 
“That's it. No 
more." J 
stopped an- 
swering his 
phone calls 
after I told him 
I'd grown up 
and no longer 
wanted to be 
held back. 1 
was. changing 
and he wasn't, so I had to break the tie. He 
kept calling and bothering me and my par- 
ents, and it was awful, So 1 packed my 
bags, left home and moved to L.A. Í think 
s important to be honest, even if the 
other person doesn't want to hear it. 


| aswantaqa ата c os 
to end it if that’s what's called for. And 
friendship doesn't work for a recent 
breakup. That has to come out of real 
understanding 
on both sides of 
what happened 
and why. You 
can't do that 
until you're far 
enough away 
from the situa- 
tion to look 
back and say, 
"He left me 
because..." or 

“L understand А 
what һаррепей 

and now we can be friends." The best idea 
I can think of is to find your ex-boyfriend a 
new girlfriend, and then he won't ask you 
every time he sees you if you're really 
happy and if your life is really OK. 


о nice wayitodoat 
The guy doesn't want to let go and he 
always feels it must be physical—you 
know, that I'm attracted to someone else 
or that a simple 
act of inde 
ERE 
jor means | 
don't want to 
be with him 
anymore, If it's 
time for us to 
break up, 1 try 
10 say that 
just because it 
didn't work 
out with me 
doesn't mean it 
won't work out for him with someone else. 
But every man takes it as rejection. I can't 
just disappear. I want the friendship after 
what we've had together. But that’s hard 
to work out. 


AZIZI JOHARI 


JUNE 1975 


wx 


Send your questions to Dear Playmates, 
Playboy Building, 919 North Michigan Ave- 
nue, Chicago, Illinois 60611. We won't be 
able to answer every question, but we'll try. 


43 


THE PLAYBOY FORUM 


a continuing dialog on contemporary issues between playboy and its readers 


PORNOGRAPHY AND CIVIL RIGHTS 

While teaching a course on human sexu- 
ality, I decided to exercise my knowledge 
of phenomenological rescarch by studying. 
the relationship between the First Amend- 
ment and the civil rights of women. 
Accordingly, I had my students view a 
Phil Donahue program on which those 
issues were discussed (and on which, inci- 
dentally, Playboy Attorney Burt Joseph 
appeared) and then debate them in class 
for several days. During that time, two 
female students asked if 1 would show an. 
adult film to the class. They wanted to see 
an example without going to a public thea- 
ter, so I obtained one and showed it (not 
during class hours, of course) 

Of 17 students enrolled in the class, ten 
attended. I instructed the students to view 
the film in a scholarly manner and after- 
ward write a paper based on the film and 
the debate held on the Donahue program. 
‘Two days later, they were required to write 
another paper on any delayed effects they 
had experienced from viewing the film. 

I was surprised at the results. While 
Pembroke State University attracts an 
extremely conservative student body, only 
one male student indicated a belief that 
women's civil rights had priority over the 
First Amendment. The group that saw the 
movie ranged in age from 19 to 28, with 
the average age 22; six of the students were 
female; five were white, threc black and 
two American Indian. Five religious 
denominations were represented, includ- 
ing one Catholic and five Baptists. One of 
the women became ill after seeing the film, 
but even she thought First Amendment 
rights had priority. 

Stephen M. Marson, Assistant Professor. 

Department of Sociology and 

Social Work 
Pembroke State University 
Pembroke, North Carolina 


For quite some time, 1 have followed the 
debate over erotica vs. pornography. My 
ion is that porn is not an asset to 
society and should be summarily trashed, 
but erotica always will and should be here 

For all the discussion, however, 1 have 
never heard a good and definitive distinc- 
tion made between the two. Here is mine. 

Erotica: material in which bodies (male 
or female) are portrayed in a way that, 
while stimulating, does not focus on one or 
two anatomical parts; crotica presents the 
whole person. 

Pornography: material that reduces men 
to cocks and women to cunts. 

In every magazine I have looked at 


except one, I have seen men and women 
portrayed as sex objects, ready only to fuck 
or to be fucked. The picture captions tell of 
how “hard and ready he is" or how “wet 
and hot she is.” This is disgusting. 

The human body is beautiful. There is 
nothing wrong with nude photos, as long 
as the focus is the whole person, not a part. 

The exception I spoke of is PLAYBOY. In 
it, women are photographed in such a way 
as to call attention to the whole person, 
and the short comments near the photos 


"Porn is not an asset 
to society and should be 
summarily trashed, but 

erotica always will 
and should be here." 


describe her feelings and opinions, her life 
and her activities, not just how ready she is 
to screw. 

This is erotica, done in a way that is 
tasteful. It stimulates and arouses, which 
is its purpose, but it describes the person 
behind the photo. 

Keep it up, PLAYBOY. You provide an 
example of erotica that all should follow. 

David Hunt 
St. Paul, Minnesota 


PROBLEM PORN 

Violent, weird, twisted and outright bad 
pornography is thoroughly repulsive to all 
but a tiny minority of the population. 
However, the people who produce and 
buy and like such stuff might very well 
start pursuing even worse hobbies than 
looking at ugly pictures if our selí- 
appointed moral guardians cranked this 
societal safety valve shut. 

O. J. Lehrman 
New York, New York 

We're nol sure it's that simple. While we 
don't think the depiction of pornographic vio- 
lence is a direct cause of sexual violence, we 
also don't write off the argument that the 
proliferation. of such material might give 
some mentally unstable weirdos the idea that. 
such behavior is socially acceptable. But any- 
one familiar with the history of censorship 
knows that giving such power to the state does 
infinitely more harm to society than good. 


HEADS, YOU WIN; TAILS, I LOSE 

About a year ago, my wife and I agreed. 
to get a divorce. Belore we made up our 
minds, one of the big causes of friction 
between us was her conversion to a fairly 
militant brand of feminism. She decided 
that ours had been a master-servant rela- 
tionship, and equality now became her 
shibboleth. Every aspect of the way we 
lived had to be examined and equalized, 
every responsibility divided neatly be- 
tween us. She demanded that I ac- 
knowledge her as my equal in intelligence, 
talent, energy and political acumen. 

"Then we hired lawyers and proceeded to 
negotiate a divorce settlement. What a 
change! From being as assertive as Bella 
Abzug, my ex-wife-to-be suddenly was as 
helpless as the legions who worship Phyllis 
Schlafly. In all thosc years we had lived 
together, she had learned nothing but 
homemaking, had acquired only the most. 
rudimentary survival skills to go with her 
bachelors degree in English and four 
years of premarital office jobs. If she did 
not receive 75 percent of my assets and 50 
percent of my earnings, in perpetuity, she 
would end up sleeping in subway stations 
and carrying her possessions in a shopping 
bag. 

When it pleased her to demand equal- 
ity, she did. When she wanted the privi- 
leges that women enjoyed when they were 
considered the weaker sex, she had no hes- 
itation in demanding them. She thus man- 
ifested a universal human trait called 
wanting it both ways. 

But, wl one may admit the natural- 
ness of a predator’s appetite, one doesn't 


45 


PLAYBOY 


have to cheerfully hand over one's arms 
and legs. Remember, you men who are 
cager to undo past injustices by giving 
women anything they ask for: Yesterday's 
victims of oppression are all too often 
tomorrow's tyrants. 

Michael Dean 

San Francisco, California 


DIVORCE AND CHILD ABUSE 

As a lawyer limiting his practice to fam- 
ily law, l've handled custody cases in more 
than 20 states in all regions of the country. 
Dozens of those cases involved charges of 
sexual abuse of children. The current rage 
is for a disgruntled spouse to accuse her 
former husband of sexual molestation. 

Lynn Kaersvang of the Adams County 
Department of Social Services has gone 
on record estimating that 90 percent of the 
complaints of neglect and abuse her 
agency receives from noncustodial parents 
are baseless and 50 percent are made 
vindictively. I suspect that the figures arc 
not much different in any other city 

Research done by Kenneth Pangborn in 
1977 demonstrates that 67.9 percent of all 
physical and emotional child abuse is 
committed by custodial mothers, the 
boyfriends and their new husbands 
According to Pangborn, a child has a 
seven times greater chance of being 
abused if he or she is in the custody of the 
mother than if he or sheis in the custody of 
the father. 

As author of Winning Custody, and in 
my 17 years’ experience as a family law- 
yer, Pve seen the dynamics of sexual abuse 
too often to recount: Start with a cold, 
unresponsive mother as a role model. The 
nubile child learns by observing her 
mother that sex is not an act of love but a. 
tool by which to manipulate the opposite 
sex. 

The daughter harbors understandable 
anger toward her mother for the mother's 
selfish decision to interrupt the healthy 
father-daughter relationship and to de- 
prive the child of an intact family and a 
real father. The mother refuses to permit 
the new husband or boyfriend to enjoy the 
role of husband and protector. The daugh- 
ter, having learned manipulativeness from 
her own mother, seduces a sexually frus- 
trated stepdad, soiling the mother's new 
relationship and holding the stepfather to 
ransom in the process. 

Although sexual molestation of children 
no doubt has been with us to a lesser 
extent for millennia, in my opinion, the 
new wave is the direct product of liberal 
divorce legislation. We have converted the 
i tion of marriage into not much more 
than a glorified going steady, rewarding 
those mothers who are narci for 
excising the natural father from the day- 
to-day lives of their children, always to 
the detriment of the children and often to 
the doom of the mother's wish for a “new 
relationship." 

Liberalization of the divorce laws was 
touted as a panacea to "eliminate acri- 


mony” in divorce. Yet every time the legis- 
lative fire brigade arrives, the flames grow 
fiercer. One must wonder what it is they 
are pouring on the flames. 
Maurice R. Franks 
Attorney at Law 
Denver, Colorado 


JURY NULLIFICATION 
On the topic of juries, as raised in the 

November Playboy Forum: The writer of 
the letter exults in his knowledge that a 
jury can nullify a bad law. Your response 
is, “A lot of our readers are lawyers who 
may have news for you.” That, sirs, 
sounds like a leading statement. You might 
as easily have referred your readers to U.S. 
ws. Dougherty, 473 F.2d 1113 (1972), and 
U.S. vs. Moylan, 417 F.2d 1002 (1969), 
which acknowledge that it is assumed that 
juries are aware of their right to judge both 
the law and the facts of cases and that 
judges therefore need not instruct juries as 
to that right. 

(Name withheld by request) 

Kapaa, Kauai, Hawaii 


Since the English Magna Charta in 
1215, one of the major purposes of a citi- 
zen jury is to not convict under laws it feels 
are unfair. It is truly dangerous to assume 
that politicians are passing good laws and 


“Tt is truly dangerous 
to assume that politicians 
are passing good laws.” 


that unconstitutional ones are weeded out. 
During the Civil War, the Dred Scott deci- 
sion centered on fugitive slaves, with 
courts determining that slaves must be 
returned to their owners, like any other 
property. Juries of the North thought this 
was a bum rap and often wouldn't convict. 

When Government officials saw that 
juries could veto political schemes, they 
wanted it mandated that juries could 
decide only the breaking of law, not the 
law itself. The question was debated back 
and forth, and in 1895 the U.S. Supreme 
Court ruled in Sparf vs. U.S. 156 U.S. 51 
that although juries have the right to ig- 
nore the judge’s instructions on the law, the 
juries shouldn't be aware of it! Neat, huh? 

Jury nullification isn’t taught in Fed- 
erally funded schools. The term isn’t in the 
encyclopedia or the dictionary and it is 
dropped from law schools and references. 
Talk about George Orwell's being behind 
the times! All ju 
acknowledge its existence only grudgingly, 
and judges refuse to tell juries about the 
power or to allow defense attorneys to 
refer to it. It is treated like a haunting, per- 
sistent ghost whose rare appearances are 
tolerated, deliberately ignored and cer- 
tainly not encouraged. 


Attorneys for the National Organization 
for the Reform of Marijuana Laws could 
have a field day, and many of the current 
powers of the Government could be abol- 
ished if juries knew their rights and 
responsibilities. In many areas, juries will 
not convict for marijuana and other “mor 
als” laws, so they aren't enforced. In Geor- 
gia, Indiana and Maryland, nullification 
is a constitutional part of the state judicial 
Process. 

We may have seen a form of jury nullifi- 
cation in the DeLorean trial. Revulsion 
against the Government has reached a 
point at which that jury was unwilling to 
convict. The $1,000,000 indictment of 
singer Jerry Lee Lewis was thrown out 
by a jury of his peers in Memphis when 
the IRS apparently overstepped its 
bounds . . . for the umpteenth time. 

Since, as you say, a lot of your readers 
are lawyers, I’m sure you are going to get 
some predictable answers. You could do 
them a favor by filling the gaps in the 
knowledge they failed to receive in law 
school, What have you got to lose, except 
some bad law? 

P. A. Detches 
Huntington Beach, California 
Anybody else? 


BLACK AND WHITE 

No doubt, by now, you have taken 
notice that in the past election, President 
Reagan was supported by 70 percent of 
white voters and ten percent of black vot- 
ers, There may be a number of reasons for 
this, from Nancy’s remark about seeing 
“all these beautiful white people” during a 
political reception to Reagansteinomics’ 
sacking of affirmative action, voting-rights 
enforcement and social relief programs 
aimed at the impoverished ghetto and 
rural areas populated by blacks. 

_ A more tangible reason may be the sta- 
ic that the average black-family income 
in the U.S. remains about 56 percent of 
the average white-family income—at vir- 
tually the same level as in 1960. In other 
words, the Reagan plan to rob from the 
poor and give to the rich (supply-side eco- 
nomics) is robbing more from blacks, pro- 
portionately, than from any other segment 
of society. 

I wouldn't go so far as to say a vote for 
Reagan amounted to a vote for institutic 
alized economic racism . . . oh, fuck it, 
yes, I would say that. 1 and 90 percent of 
the blacks of America. Not that anybody's 
listening. 


Tony Edward Brown 
St. Louis, Missouri 


NUKES ON WHEELS 

Used to be, when I was a kid, the most 
interesting things to watch for on the high- 
way were Burma Shave signs. When I got 
older, I'd look out for coed hitchhikers 
and/or radar traps. Times have changed. 
Moving across our highways today are 
semitrailer rigs filled with enough toxic 
chemicals and nuclear material to gag a 


FORUM NEWSFRONT 


what's happening in the sexual and social arenas 


COKE COMES HOME 
WASHINGTON DC —fFederaldrugauthor- 
ities say that Colombia's recent crackdoum 
on cocaine laboratories is causing those 
operations to be moved to the U.S., where 
it’s easier to obtain the ether and other 


chemicals needed in the refining process. 
Officials report seizures of the crude 
cocaine base being smuggled into this 
country, with many new drug labs crop- 
ping up in such slates as Florida, Ken- 
tucky and New York. 


"BABY DOE” LAW 

WASHINGTON, D.c.— President Reagan 
has signed legislation permitting the crim- 
inal prosecution of medical personnel who. 
withhold treatment to severely handi- 
capped infants, The so-called Baby Doe 
bill, otherwise known as the Child Abuse 
Amendments of 1984, expands the defini- 
tion of child abuse to include medical 
neglect except in cases where, in a doctor's 
“reasonable medical judgment,” the 
infant is irretrievably comatose or would 
not survive even with treatment. The law 
requires states using Federal funds to 
operate child-protection programs to 
incorporate a number of new rules and 
regulations, 


HANDGUN BAN UPHELD 

SPRINGFIELD, ILLINOIS—The Illinois 
Supreme Court has upheld the authority 
of the village of Morton Grove's ban on 
the possession of handguns by private citi- 
zens, and supporters of the ban believe 
that such laws will now be enacted in 
other cities. The decision followed unsuc- 
cessful appeals by pro-gun groups to sev- 
eral lower state and Federal courts, 
including the U.S. Supreme Court, which 
refused lo hear the case. Since the Morton 
Grove law, Evanston and Oak Park, both 


suburbs of Chicago, have enacted similar 
ordinances, 

Meanwhile, the Bureau of Alcohol, 
Tobacco and Firearms reports that more 
than 3,000,000 handguns were manu- 
Jactured in or imported into the U.S. in 
1983, the most recent year for which fig- 
ures are available, and a little-publicized 
Media GenerallAssociated Press survey 
indicates that nearly half of all Americans 
have guns in their homes for self-defense 
and thai about one in len carries them for 
that purpose, legally or otherwise, 


DEATH PENALTY 

sr. LOLIS—A study of homicides and 
executions in Illinois from 1933 lo 1981 
supports the belief of most sociologists that 
the death penalty does not deter murder 
The research found that demographic 
factors—particularly the percentage of 
the population living in urban areas, 
unemployment and the proportion of the 
population male, nonwhite, aged 15 10 
29 —uwere tied to fluctuations in the mur- 
der rate. The study was conducted by asso- 
ciate professors Scott Decker and Carol 
Kohfeld of the University of Missouri at 
St. Louis, who chose Illinois because it 
maintained accurate records and was a 
representative state in terms of the popu- 
lation variables examined. The findings 
an Illinois were supported by data from the 
five states with the highest number of exe- 
cutions since 1930—Texas, California, 
Georgia, North Carolina and New York. 

In Nebraska, meanwhile, officers at the 
state penitentiary caught a death-row 
inmate swapping places with his identical 
twin, who ts also an inmate, and were try- 
ing to decide whether the switch was part 
of an escape plan or simply a prank. 


LIEN AND MEAN 

WASHINGTON, DC.— The Internal Reve- 
nue Service has removed a lien from the 
house of a Billings, Montana, woman, 
has returned $140 it seized from her sav- 
ings account and has stopped trying to 
collect on the cash value of her life- 
insurance policy—punishments it had 
imposed because of the innocuous note on 
her tax return, “Signed involuntarily 
under penalty of statutory punishment.” 
In a similar case, a former suburban 
Cleveland schoolteacher offended the IRS 
by writing on the return envelope, “Fund 
for ex-actors; illegal armaments for dicta- 
Lors" and, what was worse, drawing a line 
through the paragraph on the form 
acknowledging a penalty for false state- 
ments. The latter taxpayer is still being. 
fined, and both have filed lawsuits charg- 
ing the IRS with violating their First 
Amendment rights to free speech. 


OCCUPATIONAL HAZARD 

san FRANCISCO—A Federal judge has 
dismissed ап $80,000 damage suit 
against the U.S. Government by a female 
ex-soldier who was beaten and raped at 
Fort Ord in 1982. The Army had rejected 
the claim on the ground that rape was 
a risk that came with the job, and the 
Federal-court ruling cited a 1950 Su- 
preme Court decision finding the mili- 
lary immune from damages for negligence 
connected with military service. The 26- 
year-old plaintiff argued that “no woman, 
whether in the military or not, should be 
required to submit to rape,” and her attor- 
ney said he would appeal the decision to 
the Ninth Circuit 


FALSE ACCUSATION 

LOS ANGELES—A superior-court judge 
has upheld a $6,000,000 award to an En- 
cino multimillionaire who had sued his 
estranged wife, a former Philippine movie 
star, for having him falsely arrested on 
child-molestation charges. The defend- 
ant's bill included $4,000,000 for emo- 
tional distress and $2,000,000 in 
punitive damages after a jury concluded 
that no molestation had occurred. 


THE ROCK OR THE HARD PLACE 
SALEM, VIRGINIA—A man hauled back 
into court for not paying court costs after 
his conviction on traffic charges was 
given the choice of going to prison or get- 
ting a job and marrying his live-in girl- 
friend. The threat of prison stemmed from 


his having violated the terms of probation 
on an earlier conviction, and he opted for 
the job and marriage. The county judge 
who gave him the alternatives was said lo 
have been “pleased as punch.” The proba- 
dioner said he had wanted to get married 
anyway. 


47 


PLAYBOY 


continent of maggots, not to mention 
people. 

I don't know about you, but I get pissed 
off about that, especially about the rigs 
filled with parts and plutonium destined 
for nuclear-bomb assembly. According to 
an article in The Progressive magazine, the 
Department of Energy hauls more than 
three fourths of its nuclear-weapons com- 
ponents by truck, logging up to 4,500,000 
miles a year. On highways—you know, 
like the ones you and Î us 


Some of us don’t think this is safe or 
secure. Although the trucks are suppos- 
edly well protected, there is no reason to 
assume that they are any less vulnerable to 
random accident—or hijacking—than 
anything else on 18 wheels. 

Perhaps most annoying is that the 
trucks arc unmarked. That doesn't really 
fool anybody looking for them, but it does 
endanger drivers and communities 
through which those vehicles pass. If the 
Government's going to move radioactive 


matter through my town, I'd like to know 
about it and know that the truck has 
plenty of protection, even an escort. Not 
only would such efforts safeguard the con- 
tents but they would give the American 
people a concrete idea of just how large 
and how pervasive the nuclcar-bumb- 
production network is. 

To that end, a group called Nukewatch, 
headquartered in Madison, Wisconsin, 
has assembled a national network of nuke- 
truck spotters to help document the move- 


letter from ireland LOVE AND CELTIC LAW 


Many Americans may think that the. 
U.S. legal system is weird in matters of 
sex, but to see true legal surrealism in 
action requires a visit to Ireland. 

To begin with, Irish law, like Irish 
spcech, is both eloquent and elusive 

"I saw your man yesterday," onc 
chap says in a pub. 

“Oh,” says the next chap, "and is 


heer 

“Not at all, man. No trouble there” 
is the answer. 

You may think drug smuggling or 
LR.A. activities are being discussed. 
You may wonder who “your man” 
and what business he has and how he 
avoided “trouble,” but there may be no 
dark mystery at all; the Irish just do 
not like being understood too quickly 
by strangers. They developed that pref- 
erence during 800 ycars of forcign 
occupation, when informers were 
everywhere; 60 years of independence 
have not changed it. Irish laws are not 
intended to be understood by stran- 
gers, either. 

PLAYBOY readers may be amazed to 
learn that all forms of contraception 
were illegal in Ireland until five years 
ago; such is the hold of the Catholic 
hierarchy on Irish politics. The Family 
Planning Act of 1979 changed things, 
sort of. Many people here, including 
feminists and other radicals, think that 
the act makes contraceptives legal for 
the married—only for the married— 
but that is not necessarily so. It makes 
contraceptives legal for those “practic- 
ing bona fide family planning.” What 
does that mean? Anybody using a 
condom is practicing family planning 
in that he plans to prevent pregnancy, 
but is marriage a condition of family? 
You may as well ask who “your man" is 
in our hypothetical pub conversation. 
Nobody knows. 

Since January 1978, several family- 
planning clinics and Well Woman Cen- 
ters, as some are called, have appcared 


in the larger cities, selling contracep- 
tives to both the married and the 
unmarried. Are they breaking the law? 
Maybe yes, maybe no. For four years, 
the police insisted to angry right- 
wingers that they had no evidence that 
the law was being violated (which 
could be true, since nobody knows 
what the law is). Finally, they made a 
few arrests, perhaps deciding that only 
a married couple constitutes a family 
for purposes of definition. The first 
cases to reach the courts were thrown 
out on legal technicalities. Prior to 
those arrests, the delicacy of the police 
had been explained in the press: Many 
own condoms from 
(When I checked this 
with a Dublin Well Woman Center, I 
was told bluntly, "Of course they do.") 
Sincc then, the delicacy of the courts 
has been even more esoteric and Celtic. 

A while back, Dr. Andrew Rynne, 
president of the Irish Family Planning 
Association, tried to force a test case. 
He sold condoms to his unmarried 
next-door neighbor, and then they both 
went to the police to report the crime (if 
itis onc). This was too clear-cut a case 
to be dismissed on a technicality. He 
was fined, but it was dismissed on 
appeal. Peering into the mists of the 
Celtic twilight, one can only guess that 
nobody really wants a test case, since it 
might go, by existing international 
agreement, to the European Supreme 
Court—strangers unversed in the 
poetry of Irish law—with unforesec- 
able and un-Hibernian consequences. 
Meanwhile, Dr. Rynne has announced 
10 all media that he is still selling con- 
traceptives to the unmarried, but the 
police, acting as if they cannot read 
newspapers, ignore him. You must 
remember, of course, that only God 
knows what bona fide family planning 
is, and maybe contraceptives are legal 
for those who are wed in His eyes. And 
maybe not. 


Such ambiguous legislation is sarcas- 
tically called an “Irish solution to an 
Trish problem” by critics. It saves the 
politicians from head-on collision with 
the Catholic Church, while 
concessions to reality. 
1983 anti-abortion amendment to the 
Family Planning Act guarantees to pro- 
tect the life of the unborn but “with 
equal regard for the life of the mother.” 
No two lawyers in Ireland agree on 
what that means, but most suspect that 
it means that abortion is somehow legal 
in some Cases, despite the intent of the 
conservative forces that supported that 
amendment. 
milarly, divorce is illegal here in all 
cases, with no exceptions. However, it 
takes only £50 (about $60) for a round- 
trip ticket to England, and English 
divorces, though frowned on by the 
Church, are legally recognized here 
The law, in effect, says: You can’t get 
divorced in Ireland, but for the price of 
the ferryboat ticket, you can get 
divorced in England and come back to 
Ireland a single person in the eyes of 
the law, if not the Church. The same 
dodge applies to abortion: The round- 
trip fare is still £50, and not even the 
most right-wing groups suggest giving 
pregnancy tests to all Irish women 
going to Liverpool on the overnight 
ferry and then retesting them when 
they get home. 

I have great admiration for the poli- 
ticians here. They arc progressive in 
most matters, antimilitaristic and 
peace-loving and surprisingly well edu- 
cated. The sex laws they write combine 
a genuine desire to be humane with the 
certain knowledge that anyone who 
openly opposes the Church is doomed 
at the next election. 

— ROBERT ANTON WILSON 


Dublin, Ireland 


Robert Anton Wilson is a former 
PLAYBOY editor and author of many books, 
including the classic "Hluminatus 


Trilogy" (with Robert Shea). 


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ment of those vehicles. Nukewatch can 
give details about what to look for on the 
Department of Energy trucks and how to 
look for it. 
(Name withheld by request) 
Milwaukee, Wisconsin 
If you want to avoid throwing yourself in 
front of the wrong big, ominous-looking, 
unmarked truck, you can contact the 
Nukewatch people al 315 West Gorham, 
Madison, Wisconsin 53703. 


GETTING THE SHAFT? 

A litle-known provision of the Tax 
Reform Act of 1984 signed into law by 
President Reagan last July 18 may be of 
interest to your readers. Guys, under prior 
law, an excise tax had been placed upon 
your arrow if it was 18 inches or more in 
length and required a pull often pounds or 
more. The new law, which became effec- 
tive September 30, 1984, changes Internal 
Revenue Code Section 4161 and imposes 
an 11 percent excise tax on your arrow if it 
is less than 18 inches long (a pull of ten 
pounds or more is still required). One of 
your worst fears may have been realized. 

Robert M. Arlen 
Attorney at Law 
Pompano Beach, Florida 

Suffice it to say that the three pages of tax- 
law documentation and explanation supplied 
by attorney Arlen and pertaining to such mi- 
muliae of sporling equipment as arrow length 
might well be grounds for the bou-and-arrow 
equivalent of a Boston Tea Party, protesting 
the governmental costs of cooking ир such 
quibbles. This particular effort at revenue 
enhancement could be construed as one of the 
most subtle efforts yet by the Reagan Adminis- 
tration to avoid “raising taxes” by balancing 
the Federal budget on the backs of American 
bowmen. 


NOT QUITE EQUAL 

In his November Playboy Forum letter, 
Steve Charnovitz makes the amazing 
assertion that a new E.R.A. should con- 
cern itself with “equal rights in things that 
matter—such as employment and 
cducation"—but not with the draft. If a 
woman, because of her sex, is denied a 
career promotion, then that constitutes 
a wrong to be rectified. But if a man, 
because of his sex, is wrenched from his 
job and assigned dangerous and distasteful 
tasks for buck private’s wages, the pro- 
posed amendment is silent. And, more- 
over, if that man is sent to an unchosen 
death in an uncharted jungle, is that, too, 
a “thing that doesn't matter”? 

Understand, no one is suggesting that 
the draft be extended to include women. 
Many, indeed, feel that the 13th Amend- 
ment essentially resolved the conscripi 
question by categorically prohibi 
involuntary servitude, except as punish- 
ment for a crime. But an “equal rights” 
measure that explicitly legitimatized 
involuntary military servitude for exactly 
one of the two equal sexes would constitute 


a swindle so blatant as to be laughed out of 
any legislative forum considering it. 
Chuck Hammill 
Los Angeles, California 


COLONEL COLT 

I am a 97-pound (give or take 40 
pounds) weakling with no stomach for 
violence—hand to hand or otherwise. I 
like peace and harmony and have good 
will toward my fellow man (and my fellow 
woman, too, just to keep the record 
straight). I work fairly hard, earn a tolera- 
bly good living and want only to be left 
alone to enjoy the fruits of my labor. I do 
not even like to contemplate trying to deal 
rationally with one or more street punks of 
any age, race, religion or national origin 
who might size me up as an easy target for 
whatever violent impulses fulfilled their 
emotional or financial needs of the 
moment. In the past three years, there 
have been two occasions when the little .25 
automatic pistol I inherited from my 
sainted father (which I carry in my wallet 
pocket) allowed me the time and oppor- 
tunity to discuss with some mean-spirited 
and quite muscular gentlemen the fact 
that I vote Democratic, support the 
E.R.A,, believe in legal abortion, donate to 
Pacifica Radio, save whales to the best of 
my limited ability, strongly oppose sexual 
discrimination against women and desire 


“God created men, 
but Colonel Colt 
made them equal.’” 


enforcement of the Civil Rights Act of 
1964. Call me a Second Amendment lib- 
eral, if you will, but I was able to bore my 
audience to death without a shot fired, and 
they left me in pcace, in accordance with 
the old saying “God created men, but Colo- 
nel Colt made them equal.” 

(Name withheld by request) 

New York, New York 

Since you're looking at a mandatory prison 

term for thumbing your nose al New York gun 
laws, we'll do you the favor of withholding 
your name until you come to your humanitar- 
ian senses, lay down your arms and no longer 
constitute a threat to the local muggers. 


BROAD WHAT? 

I was disappointed that you failed to 
uncode the slogan on the button on the 
blouse of the woman in the natural-foods 
store, as described by J. Rodney Davis in 
the November Playboy Forum. It read, THE 
WAY TO A MAN'S HEART IS WITH A BROADSWORD, 
You cutely responded that such a weapon 
was better for decapitating, unless there 
was a pun on the word broad. I think the 
problem is improper word division and 
the button should be read THE way 
MANS HEART IS WITH A BROAD'S WORD; 


OA 


when a woman pledges to love a man for- 
ever, those words instantly endear her to 
his heart. 

Sce how easy that was? 
niel Valentine Waters 
Kansas City, Missouri 


You said a broadsword would be better 
for decapitating or dismembering than for. 
Same is true for a “broad's 


D. Baker 
Red Jacket, West Virginia 


Davis missed a golden opportunity by 
not asking the woman to explain thc 
meaning or intent of the button. It could 
have been the opening gambit to a truly 
interesting experience. 
Conrad R. Powell, Sr. 
Altoona, Pennsylvania 


Davis may have been standing too close 
to what the button was pinned on not to 
figure that one out. 
Larry Cole 
Tampa, Florida 


Davis probably encountered a member 
of the Society for Creative Anachronism, 
Inc.—S.C.A. for short. We re-create the 
Middle Ages in any number of ways, such 
as battling with broadswords and shields. 
Here in Caerthe (Denver, to you), we have 
the proud slogan “Do it in chain mail.” 
igi Bates 
Denver, Colorado 


I was underwhelmed by your naiveté. 
Of course it means “The way to a man's 
heart is with a broad's word." Doesn't 
that jump out at you? 

A broad is not a wife or a live-in or a 
person of commitment. A broad is 
a woman who has been around the track 
a few times. Husbands who are denied 
wonderful crazy rolls in the hay by their 
goody-goody wives turn, if they have any 
smarts, to broads. A broad may be a 
widow, a divorcee, a never-married 
woman. She wants nothing permanent 
except her independence. She simply 
enjoys making a man sexually happy for 
the moment. 

A broad's word is a pretty damned reli- 
able one. And so it follows that it is the 
way to a man's heart. 

Ester M. Keith 
Hawthorne, California 

We didn't want to spoil the fun for the doz- 
ens of readers who took us to task for our lit- 
eralism and responded along the lines of 
Waters and Baker, But note that the mailbag 
also held a few surprises. 


“The Playboy Forum” offers the opportu- 
nity for an extended dialog between readers 
and editors on contemporary issues. Address 
all correspondence to The Playboy Forum, 
Playboy Building, 919 North Michigan Ave- 
nue, Chicago, Illinois 60611. 


Alive with pleasure! 
Newpor 


si 


if smoking isn't a pleasure, 
why bother? 


MENTHOL KINGS. 


Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined 
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health. 


PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: К 60 М I N UTES | 


а candid. conversation aboul hard news, muckraking and showbiz with 
the creator and correspondents of america’s most trusted. television show 


On Tuesday, September 24, 1968, 16 tele- 
vision seasons ago, CBS broadcast yet 
another documentary type of program. Of. 
that first show, the reviewer for Daily Vari- 
ety later wrote: "If it had been a neuspaper, 
it would not have sold many copies. The sto- 
ries were dated and the magazine format, 
lifted from print, pretentious. There were too 
many producers with too little imagination." 
The program was “60 Minutes,” and before 
itwas moved to a Sunday-evening time slot, it. 
threatened to become just another well- 
intentioned CBS News program. Instead, it 
became a national institution. 

As comfortable as a pair of old tasseled 
loafers, the insistent tick, lick, tick of its stop 
watch each week signals to an average 
35,000,000 viewers thal their guys—and. 
now their gal—are on to something: Some 
wretched larceny will be exposed; some Gov- 
ernment bumbling will be laid bare; some 
petty dictator will squirm. 

From its uninspired beginning in 1968 
through the spare Nielsen winters of the Sev- 
enties, Ihe show endured — just barely. As late 
as 1975, it finished 52nd out of 65 in the rat- 


BRADLEY: "To be able to stand up in the Khyber 
Pass and say, ‘Here's little Butch Bradley from 
West Philly. Alexander the Great passed 
here 2500 years ago.’ God, that’s a kick!" 


REASONER: “Our influence is evanescent. We 
may create a fuss about something, there may 
be an outcry in Congress, maybe even hear- 
ings, but then . . . it goes away.” 


ings. Bul then it began to climb rapidly, 
helped by the decision ın 1976 to “bump the 
network” (meaning that CBS’ entire schedule 
would be pushed back in the event of a foot- 
ball runover); and by 1980, it found itself in 
the most improbable situation any news- 
dominated TV program had ever stumbled 
into: It was number one. 

In the years since, swapping the top spot 
from week to week with the likes of “Dallas” 
and “Dynasty,” "60 Minutes” has been 
firmly ensconced at the top, making headlines 
many Monday mornings with its stories and 
reportedly netting the network more than 
$60,000,000 a year—by far the most profit- 
able continuous CBS broadcast ever. 

Most observers would agree that it is the 
show's personality that is responsible for its 
continuing impact on American life. Not only 
has its format been widely imitated but other 
programs have sought—largely unsuccess- 
‘fully—to produce the kind of chemistry evi- 
dent in its on-air correspondents. That 
chemistry is nol the hoked-up chatter that 
passes for chemistry at happy-talk local news 
stations. For, as strong as its reporting has 


SAWYER: “So far, everyone has been extraordi- 
narily generous about their producers, their 
stones, about letting me get my feet wet. What 
happens a year from now—check with me." 


HEWITT: "Ambush journalism is what print 
reporters call something they've done since the 


penny press. I don't think you're entitled to pri- 


тасу when you're committing malfeasance. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY VERNON L. SMITH 


been, as fortuitous as its time slot is, “60 
Minutes” has had the advantage from the 
start of strong, vivid host/narrators who have 
become as familiar to American viewers as 
members of their family. 

There was Harry Reasoner, the wry, 
acerbic uncle who delivered the goods jour- 
nalistically but never appeared to take them— 
or himself—too seriously. There was 
Mike Wallace, the brilliant, sometimes nasty 
older brother whose relentless pursuit of the 
guilty (and the timid) became sel pieces in the 
show. When Reasoner left, Morley Safer 
came aboard, and his combination. of light, 
whimsically written pieces and often hard- 
hitting dispatches made him а trusted 
younger brother. Then, for a spell, there was 
earnest, good ol’ boy Dan Rather, who could 
give il to you with a straight drawl or dress up 
like an Afghani if it meant getting the story. 
Then came Ed Bradley, whose soft-spoken and 
often intensely personal reports made him the 
first black reporter to become a comfortable 
part of America’s extended TV family. And, 
finally, Diane Sawyer, the most recent addi- 
tion, the undeniably glamorous sister who 


SAFER: “Being on ‘60 Minutes’ means people 
return your calls. 1f somebody doesn't want to 
give you an interview, he wouldn't give it to 
Jesus Christ if he called.” 


WALLACE: “In TV journalism, we wince at the 
word performer, but the fact of the matter is 
that there is a performance involved. That 
doesn't mean it's phony or theatrical." 


51 


PLAYBOY 


52 


went off to make good in a less traditional 
way than the boys did, then joined the family 
in the nation's living rooms. 

In between its revealing intervieus with the 
likes of the shah of Iran and the Ayatollah 
Khomeini and its exposés of wrongdoing in 
corporale board rooms and in Government 
bureaucracies, “60 Minutes" spun electronic 
journalism off in dozens of new directions — 
not all of them positive. Ambush journal- 
ism—the practice of catching someone 
unawares in the unpitying glare of the TV 
lights—became an “in” thing for local 
reporters trying lo make names for them- 
selves. Criticisms of “60 Minutes’” editing 
techniques, about what gol left out and what 
was broadcast, began to arise. There were 
also questions asked about oversimplification, 
as very complex issues were reduced to 12 or 
14 minutes a segment. 

There have been many other questions as 
well—about checkbook journalism, about 
celebrity journalism—enough, in fact, that 
we thought it time to attempt an unusual 
journalistic challenge: that of interviewing 
the correspondents and the creator of the show 
as a group, not merely as journalists pursu- 
ing private careers. It also meant including 
as first among equals Don Hewitt, the origi- 
nator and boss of “60 Minutes,” a man less 
well known to the public but celebrated, 
respected and, some would say, just a bit 
notorious among his peers in the profession. 

For the task we chose freelance journalist 
Morgan Strong, whose recent “Playboy Inter- 
view” with Lebanese war lord Walid Jumblatt 
(July 1984) gave him what we felt was the 
necessary stamina to track down five globe- 
trotting journalists and a kyperenergetic pro- 
ducer. His six-year stint as an infantryman 
in the Marines didn't hurt, either. 

Ц took him five months to complete the 
“Interview.” Because of their schedules, the 
correspondents were almost never together. 
Thus, most of the interviews took place une on 
one (though sometimes one correspondent 
would drop in on another's interview session) 
and were later edited by topic. The sessions. 
took place just out of earshot of dozens of pro- 
ducers and researchers hard at work tracking 
down new stories and preparing background 
reports and questions for use by the corre- 
spondents. For the record, the “Playboy Inter- 
view” was conducted by one reporter, who 
prepared. all his own. questions and used a 
single tape recorder. Strong’s report: 

“Grilling Mike Wallace was a breeze. The 
assignment began with an interview with him 
at his home in Martha's Vineyard. Wallace, 
who had put off pLavnoy's requests before, was 
supposedly reluctant when it came to the other 
end of a microphone, and given his reputa- 
tion as the toughest journalistic gunslinger in 
town, І expected trouble. But he couldn't have 
been more cooperative. Perhaps it was the set- 
ting: His vacation home, with a manicured 
lawn sloping down to a picturesque, yacht- 
filled bay, is a tough place to be surly. His 
autobiography, ‘Close Encounters,’ had just 
come out to favorable reviews, and he had re- 
upped with CBS for a reported $1,000,000 a 
year. The weather was nice, too. 


“Next on our hit list was Don Hewitt, the 
energetic founder and producer of the show. 
My conversations with him (and subsequent 
ones with the other correspondents) took place 
on the ninth floor of the skyscraper across the 
street from the sprawling CBS Broadcast 
Center on West 57th Street in New York City. 
A vast warren of cubbyholes and spacious 
offices occupying nearly the entire floor, the 
nerve center for ‘60 Minutes! roughly corre- 
sponds to the hierarchy of the show itself: 
bright, airy offices with views of New York 
Harbor for Hewitt and the star correspond- 
ents; but for the producers, those often 
nameless people whom many credit with the 
show's imagination and solidity, a series of 
spare, cramped offices. That, as they say 
everywhere else, is showbiz. 

“Speaking of nerve centers, the impression 
one gets of Hewitt, forever interrupting him- 
self or jumping up to resolve a crisis, is of 
a combination of Edward R. Murrow and 
Mel Brooks—perhaps without the latter's 
level of high anxiety. With his tweedy look, 
he doesn't even dress like the CBS powerhouse 
he obviously is. I had been told that he had 
the attention span of a gnat, and though 
that was largely true, he obviously enjoyed 
this chance to alight from time to time 


“Mike and I have argued this 
publicly: ‘How do you get flies— 
with honey or with vinegar?” 


and talk about his work at some length. In 
fact, when we first sat down to talk, we were 
chatting about similarities between the kinds 
of interviews PLAYBOY does and the exhaustive 
profiles '60 Minutes’ does, and Hewitt 
remarked, ‘Yeah, I kind of wondered when 
you guys would get around to doing us." 

"Beyond Hewitt's office are the ones 
belonging to Wallace, Safer, Bradley and 
Reasoner. Sawyer's office, being prepared for 
her when I was there, has taken the space for- 
merly allotted to Captain Kangaroo. That's 
showbiz, too. 

"Although similar to the others in space 
and layout, Bradleys office is the most 
interesting —the sound of soft jazz is piped in 
continuously, and plants hang everywhere in 
an easy and clultered atmosphere. Reasoner's 
office is filled to the ceiling with books and 
reminded me of a crusty judge's chambers. 
Safer's wall is adorned with the mangled pro- 
peller of an airplane that he cracked up once 
while attempting a take-off. Since Safer is not 
a pilot, he was unable to offer me any sort of 
rational explanation. 

“Here's what I liked best: Although there 
were all sorts of electronic editing gadgets 
and screens scrolling text throughout the 
offices on the ninth floor, I noticed that by the 
desks of Hewitt and the three senior corre- 


spondents of 60 Minutes’ were placed clunky 
old manual typewriters. It was comforting. 


PLAYBOY: Mike, as we understand it, when 
60 Minutes was first being put together, 
Harry Reasoner was chosen as the sole 
anchor. Then came the idea of a second 
anchor. Do you think they chose you as 
Harry's opposite? 

WALLACE: As Harry said, “humorless, 
unpleasant, uncivilized”—a complete 
contrast to this gentle and cultivated soul 
Reasoner. Yes, they certainly found their 
man in me. 

PLAYBOY: And now there is talk about the 
latest correspondent, Diane Sawyer, con- 
ceivably replacing the first, Reasoner. 
WALLACE: Those stories about Reasoner’s 
leaving the broadcast are simply not true. 
Harry just came through the best year he’s 
had since he came to 60 Minutes. How 
that story got any circulation 1 have no 
idea. Its a disservice to Diane and to 
Harry and to 60 Minutes generally. I’m 
getting a little older and don’t travel the 
way I used to. 

PLAYBOY: What can we conclude from that? 
WALLACE: What will happen, and has been 
happening, is that I will begin to back off. 
That's one of the reasons Sawyer is 
aboard. 

PLAYBOY: Sounds like a retirement 
announcement to us. But before we talk 
more about retirement, Harry, do you 
remember it the way Mike does—that he 
was added to balance your more sophisti- 
cated image? 

REASONER: It was news to me when Mike 
said in his book [Close Encounters] that the 
show was originally designed for me and 
then they brought him in. It was not clear 
to me at all at the time, and it was not 
clear to me that we were a good combina- 
tion. Finally, it was also unclear what 60 
Minutes was going to become. I remember 
that I went on substituting for Cronkite 
about 20 percent of the time and doing the 
Sunday-night news and specials and a lot 
of things. 60 Minutes was something that 
was on every Tuesday, sometimes. 
PLAYBOY: There was supposedly tension 
between you and Mike at first. 

REASONER: Au contraire. I think Mike 
would agrec—we became lovers almost 
immediately. [Laughter] Of course, there 
was immediately a substantial difference. 
in style. Mike and I have argued this pub- 
ly, and it goes back to the old question 
“How do you get flies—with honey or 
with vinegar?" Mike gets a lot of flies with 
vinegar and I get just as many with honey. 
It's not a difference in intent or a difference 
in the goals of reporting; it's a difference in 
how you do it. 

PLAYBOY: Morley, you were the third onc 
hired, and you've been quoted as saying, 
“Lers face it: We're not the four best 
reporters in the world; what we have going 
for us is [executive producer] Don 
Hewitt." 


SAFER: Hewitt said this? [Laughter] Oh! I 
said this? [Laughter] Yeah, I think so. I 
think that's true. His talents arc unique, to 
the extent that when you've got Don's 
attention, nothing else gets his attention. 
He just focuses. It may be difficult to get 
his attention sometimes. And he's terrifi- 
cally loyal as a boss. You feel that you're 
not standing there ass-naked. And he 
believes in the broadcast; that's important 

The show is also lucrative for all of us 
[laughs]. He would do anything to save it 

PLAYBOY: Ed, we're trving to pin down the 
beginnings of 60 Minutes and deter- 
mine who gets the credit or the blame. As 
the fourth of the present reporters hired, 
do you agree that Hewitt is 60 Minutes’ 
main strength? 

BRADLEY: We're four different personal- 
ities— five now. We have different ways of 
approaching a story, different ideas; and, 
obviously, some of us do one thing better 
than the others. No one does better than 
Mike does at his type of story, and the 
same is true of Morley and Harry. But 
Hewitt is something else. You can go in to 
Hewitt with a piece that's in trouble, 
where there are elements of a good story 
but it's just not working, and he can take 
the thing and just say, “Ah, wait a minute, 
no, you don't want to start there; start 
with this and end with this.” He knows 
what will work. When he is on, I have 
never seen anyone as good as he is. When 
he's off, he's terrible. And he has off days. 


But he has a remarkable amount of energy 
and good cheer. He kind of sets the tone 
around here, and that's his gift 

PLAYBOY: Diane, we just left Mike Wallace, 
and he suggests that contrary to the 
rumors about your replacing Harry Rea- 
soner, it's Mike you'll be replacing in the 
long run. He has said he's going to “begin 
to back of.” š 
SAWYER: It was never true that I was going 
to replace Harry. But don't tell me that 
Mike is going to leave! I don't even want to 
hear that! I don't want to think about that! 
He can't leave! I'm going to have my teeth 
in his ankles [laughs] to prevent him from 
going out the door. 

PLAYBOY: Do you agree with Morley's 
ssment that Don Hewitt is 60 Minutes" 
Not-so-secret weapon? 

SAWYER: Yes. The guiding, self-renewing, 
revitalizing genius. 

PLAYBOY: Now that you are working for 
Hewitt, what are your impressions of him? 
SAWYER: I thought I had been in the busi- 
ness a long time and I thought I had 
worked with a lot of people, and you come 
in sometimes thinking you’re sort of smart. 
You know how to do a piece, and you get 
in that first screening with Hewitt, and 
he’s trying to be very diplomatic. He says, 
“You know, I think we could make this a 
little better,” and the next thing you know 
[laughs], the whole thing has been rear- 
ranged. And he’s right, and you realize 
that he’s operating on a level above any on 


asst 


which you've seen people operate. 
PLAYBOY: Don, among other nice things 
being said about you is that you invented 
the wheel in this television-news business; 
you are, or were, the Wunderkind of televi- 
sion. Let's talk about that for a bit 
HEWITI: Isn't that awful? I guess at 62 I 
ought to stop being the Wunderkind of tele- 
vision, don't you think? 

PLAYBOY: That's what you were called in 
the late Forti 
HEWITT: That's right. You know why? 
Because there wasn't much talent around 
The real talent when I came here in 1948 
was in the entertainment division. Sidney 
Lumet, Bobby Mulligan, Franklin 
Schafiner—they were directors here then. 
They all left and went to Hollywood 
Schaffner was the last to go. We were codi- 
rectors on the Evening News, but he left for 
Hollywood and made Patton, Nicholas and 
Alexandra and Papillon 

PLAYBOY: But you stayed and made a 
career in television news; some people cred- 
it you with bringing it out of the Stone Age: 
HEWITT: Like most things, that's exagger- 
ated. Let me tell you a little about myself 
to kind of explain it. When I was a kid, I 
went to the movies every Saturday, and for 
all of us kids, the people on the screen were 
our heroes. There were Tarzan and Tom 
Mix, and none of the kids knew which 
screen hero they wanted to be most. That 
was never my problem. When I walked 
out of the moviehouse, 1 knew 1 wanted to 


1 


"m E - 
at are friends worth? 


53 


be either Julian Marsh, the director in 
42nd Street, or Hildy Johnson, the reporter 
in The Front Page. And one day, along 
came television and, by God, I could be 
both of them! 

PLAYBOY: You were a journalist during 
World War Two, weren't you? 

HEWITT: I was a civilian war correspond- 
ent. I was all of 20 years old. I had the 
dubious distinction of being the youngest 
accredited war correspondent in the U. S. 
at that time—whatever that means. 
PLAYBOY: After the war, you were an editor 
for Acme News pictures. From there, you 
were hired by CBS and became a director. 
You got into the business of political cover- 
age pretty early. 

HEWITT: Yeah, Douglas Edwards and I 
worked together at the 1948 Democratic 
Convention. I was an associate director. 
Ed Chester, then the head of the news divi- 
sion at CBS, tapped me to become the 
director and eventually the producer of 
CBS Evening News. The show was going to 
be on the air five nights a weck for 15 min- 
utes. In those days, people said you 
couldn't do the show five nights a week, 
because it was too complicated. 

PLAYBOY: You became the producer, a term 
you coined, which in effect meant that you 
were responsible for both the technical 
and the editorial direction of the show. It 
was unique at the timc. 

HEWITT: Yeah, but it’s a misnomer and 
never should have happened. Nobody 
should be called a producer in television 
news. We're all reporters. They call me an 
executive producer, but that’s a dumb 
thing to call anybody. David Merrick is a 
producer. Darryl Zanuck was a producer. 
Thats not what we are. But television. 
decided to borrow the names and titles 
used in Hollywood and on Broadway, and 
somehow those titles became attached to 
the guys in the news division 
PLAYBOY: Whatever thc title, the job 
involved being in charge of both the tech- 
nical and the editorial sides. Why both? 
HEWITT: I discovered that the technical had 
to complement the editorial, just as a good 
newspaper or a good magazine decides 
that a certain layout, a certain type face or 
the placement of pictures enhances the 
story. I realized that working with broad- 
casters’ pauses and inflections, the way 
they look and sound, is to broadcasting 
what putting in commas and semicolons is 
to print editing. That’s how you punctu- 
ate. We punctuate with inflections, with 
voice delivery, with visual elements. I 
grew up as a big fan of Life magazine. In 
fact, that's what 60 Minutes is—Life mag- 
azine on TV. 

PLAYBOY: Do you accept the credit—or the 
blame—for setting the style for TV news 
broadcasts, as reputed? 

HEWITT: I think that probably happened, 
because I was the only guy around who 
had the wit to realize that vou had to put 
yourself in the place of a television viewer. 
Always—every piece I’ve ever looked at or 
look at today—I say to myself, “If I were a 


guy sitting at home, would I like this?” In 
the early days, I became obsessive about 
it. On the Doug Edwards broadcast, I 
would take brown paper and cut out fig- 
ures and tape them to the screen and stalk 
around the room, saying, “Ifa guy is sit- 
ting 20 feet away, are those figures big 
enough?” 

PLAYBOY: Iss it true you tried to get Douglas 
Edwards to learn Braille? 

HEWITT: Absolutely. I never understood 
why people laughed at that idea. Before 
they had TelePrompTers, guys had to look 
down at their scripts. It was a great idea! 
PLAYBOY: You also created the revolution- 
ary two-projector shot, didn't you? 
HEWITT: Yeah, it was a little technical 
razzle-dazzle. Up to that point, there was 
a single sound system, so you couldn’t 
break away, and editing was tough. Just 
one of those ideas. Someone else would 
have thought of i months later. 
PLAYBOY: And didn’t you invent the term 
anchor man? 

HEWITT; Pm not sure if it was CBS chief Sig 
Mickelson or myself, but it came out of a 
conversation we had about our corre- 
spondents at the ’52 Convention and how 


“I know the trouble you can 
get yourself into doing an 
interview. There are no 
indiscreet questions, just 
indiscreet answers.” 


Cronkite would be the “anchor leg"—the 
best guy on a relay team being the anchor. 
It has nothing to do with boats, as people 
assume. But it’s such a silly thing to 
call anybody—an anchor man! 1 love it 
when a local anchor man goes out on a 
story—you know what they call him? A 
“floating anchor.” Isn’t that terrific? I 
mean, it’s such a fucking nutty business! 
PLAYBOY: Your early style was considered a 
little abrasive. You modeled yourself after 
your Front Page hero, scrambling after the 
scoop and causing a lot of distress at CBS- 
HEWITT: Sure, no doubt about it. I was a 
little abrasive when I came here. I guess I 
did rub a lot of people the wrong way. 
I look back at some of the things I did that 
I would never do again. I was young and 
stupid. I brought a different style to CBS 
News. [Laughs] I think people looked at 
me, to use Mike Wallace's favorite phrase, 
like a hair in their soup. J think that today 
if somebody came around and did under 
my aegis some of the things that I did, Га 
throw him out the door. 

PLAYBOY: Your behavior in those days has 
been described as manic. You did some 
pretty bizarre things. 


HEWITT: Yeah, like throwing pencils 
through the control-room window. It 
started out a genuine frenzy and after a 
while, it became an act, When Mickelson 
was the head of CBS News, he'd call me 
around four o'clock and say he had visitors 
coming up to watch me direct Edwards 
with the News, and ask me to put on a 
show for them. And I would spin like a top 
and whirl like a dervish. I hada lot of nerv- 
ous energy. [Laughs] But you grow up. 
PLAYBOY: Mike Wallace had a similar rep- 
utation as a maverick when he arrived, 
didn't he? 

HEWITT: Mike and I were both looked at as 
interlopers: How did these guys get into the 
club? We're both more dignified now. But 
ГІ tell you one thing: Im 62; Mike is, 
what—66 or 67? Mike and I can beat any 
kid in the house on any story, anywhere, 
any time. 

PLAYBOY: There was a period during the 
Sixties when you fell out of grace with 
CBS and were, in effect, exiled. Was that 
when you got the idea for 60 Minutes? 
HEWITT: That's right. And. there wasn't 
much excitement about i hard 
Salant [then president of CBS News] says 
today, frankly, he thought it was a terrible 
idea. 

PLAYBOY: The curious thing is that when 
you came up with the idea, you were out of 
favor, Reasoner was having trouble and 
Wallace, as you said, was something ofan 
outsider. It seems as if they gave it to the 
guys they didn’t know what to do with. 
HEWITT: Right. Harry and I were out of 
favor. But Mike; they just didn’t know 
what the hell to make of Mike. . . . 
PLAYBOY: Mike, in your book, you wrote 
that on those rare occasions when you 
are interviewed, you can sec a gleam in the 
reporter’s eye. Why the gleam? 
WALLACE: It's a gleam that means, 
now it’s your turn, buster.” 
PLAYBOY: Yet it was relatively difficult to 
pin you down for an Interview. Haye you, 
of all people, been shy? 

WALLACE: Well, one thing is that you don’t 
want to betray—betray may be the wrong 
word—you don’t want to let people 
know what your politics are, if, indeed, 
you have politics. [Smiles] I also know the 
trouble you can get yourself into doing an 
interview. It’s said that there are no indis- 
creet questions, just indiscreet answers. 
PLAYBOY: You developed your reputation 
as a tough reporter on the old Night 
Beat show, didn't you? 

WALLACE: Yes. I had never really thought 
seriously about journalism as a career, 
because I felt that I didn't have sufficient 
background. I'd never really worked for a 
newspaper. My main experience was as a 
rip-and-read announcer on NBC radio in 
the Forties. In the middle Fifties, I decided 
that maybe television interviews were the 
kind of thing Fd want to do. So we put 
together a news department at channel 
five in New York. 

PLAYBOY: The set of Night Beat was a bit 
theatrical and intimidating, wasn't it? 


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PLAYBOY 


WALLACE: The dark studio with two or 
three cameras and the glaring spotlight 
and the cigarette smoke and the close-ups 
of people's faces—things like that? 
PLAYBOY: Yes, some of the same effects you 
later used on 60 Minutes. Your best inter- 
views are perceived to be those in which 
the subject is obviously uncomfortable, 
where you're grilling him. 

WALLACE: You mean when the interviewee 
begins to sweat and squirm and so forth? 
Yes, that probably follows my having 
established a chemistry of confidentiality 
and relaxing the interviewce to the point 
where he thinks he can really level with me 
and suddenly says, “Hey, wait a minute. 
What have I done? Now I’m in trouble. 
Now Pm going to have to answer candidly 
and honestly. Well, perhaps Га better 
come clean." 

PLAYBOY: You mention in your book that 
your little group would gleefully search for 
ways to deflate the pompous and the fatu- 
ous among your subjects. 

WALLACE: Indeed, we did. 

PLAYBOY: Then was the point of the pro- 
gram to embarrass the subject? 

WALLACE: The essence was not so much to 
deflate as to get at the truth. Really. I 
mean, it wasn’t deflation for deflation’s 
sake. 

PLAYBOY: But there were occasions when 
you went beyond what was reasonable, 
weren't there? 

WALLACE: As in the interview I did with Al 
Capp? I had no argument with Capp 
going in. It didn’t occur to me that there 
was going to be much there beyond a kind 
of self-drawn profile of this very inventive 
and funny comic-strip artist. 

PLAYBOY: But you effectively destroyed the 
guy oncamera, and you later regretted it. 
WALLACE: | regretted it eventually. 
because, in effect, I caught him without his 
psychiatrist. I got caught up in the process 
in a strange way. He was sweating and 
uncomfortable, and he almost became a 
butterfly on a pin. But he was doing it to 
himself. He would say something outra- 
geous, then almost apologize with this gig- 
gle. And when I called it to his attention, 
he began to fall apart oncamera. I think a 
little of it would have sufficed. Instead, I 
kept at it. But that was fairly early in Night 
Beat, when we were perhaps full of our- 
selves and probably enjoyed the spectacle 
more than we should have. 

PLAYBOY: That was the point we were mak- 
ing. Isn't that the sort of thing that made 
your reputation as morc of an inquisitor 
than an interviewer? 

WALLACE: Mind you, I think it was per- 
fectly legitimate. But no, its not some- 
thing I would do today. 

PLAYBOY: After Night Beal and a stint at 
ABC News, you moved to channel 13 in 
New York, where you did the first half- 
hour evening news show in the country. 
WALLACE: Yeah, long before the networks 
did it. The first half-hour network news 
show began in 1963, I believe. Our show 
lasted until the money ran out. It was a 


first-rate undertaking. 

PLAYBOY: What did you do after it folded? 
WALLACE: There were a couple of years in 
which I was casting about, knowing what 
I wanted to do but not finding it ca: 
PLAYBOY: You did commercials then, didn’t 
you? 

WALLACE: I did cigarette commercials. I 
even did some used-car commercials. 
PLAYBOY: And you'd been in a Broadway 
play earlier. 

WALLACE: Yes. 1 had done nearly 100 per- 
formances in a comedy called Reclining 
Figure. | played an art dealer. Then I 
hosted a talk-and-variety show in New 
York, complete with second banana. One 
nice thing is that a young unknown named 
Barbra Streisand made maybe 30 appear- 
ances that year. Someone at the station 
economically erased all the tapes. 
PLAYBOY: What happened after that? 
WALLACE: I anchored the political conven- 
tions for Westinghouse and did the election 
coverage. I made a trip around the world 
for them, a week here, a week there. Hong 
Kong, Saigon, Nairobi and so forth. 
PLAYBOY: But you felt you were still floun- 
dering? 


“I caught Al Capp without 
his psychiatrist. He was 
sweating and uncomfortable, 
almost a butterfly on a pin.” 


WALLACE: Yes. It wasn't until 15 years in 
the business that I figured out what I 
wanted to be. And by that time, I was 
close to 40. And then came the unfortunate 
accident to my son. That's when I figured, 
Well, let's take a year off and try to figure 
out who the dickens you are and what you 
really want to do. 

PLAYBOY: Your son's accidental death in 
Greece must have been a terrible blow. 
WALLACE: [Quietly] Peter . . - Peter was a 
poet and an athlete. And he was going to 
be a writer. And E... his death was, as 
any father would understand . . . there is 
no way adequately to explain what that 
kind of loss means. 

PLAYBOY: Did his death compel you to sort 
things out? 

WALLACE: Somchow, it did. Somehow, it 
contributed to that. My wife, Lorraine, 
had wanted me all along to get back into 
journalism; she'd been nudging me in a 
very supportive way to do it, After months 
of unemployment, Dick Salant of CBS 
called and offered me a job anchoring a 
New York newscast. I did that but also 
was a reporter. After more than 20 years, I 
was covering a beat, something most 


reporters do in their early 20s 

PLAYBOY: So you were paying your dues all 
over again? 

WALLACE: Oh! That was the single most 
useful thing, because I really was on pro- 
bation. I don’t mean just with the hier- 
archy. 1 was on probation with my 
colleagues in the newsroom, and I was on 
probation with myself. 

PLAYBOY: Was there any resentment among 
your colleagues because of your checkered 
career? 

WALLACE: Some. Cronkite, whom I had 
known, couldn’t have been more cordial. 
Harry Reasoner, because we were going to 
replace his Calendar news-feature show, 
resented me a little. 

PLAYBOY: So when you two co-anchored 60 
Minutes, was there still some ill feelin, 
WALLACE: It was patched up. Actually, it 
was patched up with everybody at the 
1964 Republican Convention out in San 
Francisco. I hadn't been assigned to the 
floor. 1 was out there simply for the morn- 
ing news. CBS was having a tough time 
against the opposition for ratings. They 
asked me if I wanted to go onto the floor 
and I said of course I did. I think people 
were surprised that I could work on the 
floor with a certain understanding. That 
really was the watershed as far as CBS was 
concerned. Later, I covered civil rights, 
Vietnam, all of it. 

PLAYBOY: And vour sins were forgiven? 
WALLACE: Yes. Strangely, no matter what 
you've done in the past, it all helps you 
eventually. That surely has been true in 
my case. Some of the things I had done 
along the way, which could hardly be clas- 
sified as reporting, nonetheless gave me an 
understanding of how to handle myself on 
the air. 

PLAYBOY: And when 60 Minutes came 
along, you had an ideal sort of background. 
WALLACE: Perfect, because it’s the front 
and the back of thc book. Regardless of 
whether we're doing a Horowitz or a Car- 
son, or a Sadat or a Nixon, there is this 
variety of experience—including that foolish 
detour to Broadway for 100 performances. 
PLAYBOY: Harry, lets talk about your 
career. You describe your background as 
either well rounded or drifting. 

REASONER: I’ve never resolved that ques- 
tion in my mind, either. 

PLAYBOY: Your background is similar to 
Mike's in that respect. 

REASONER: Mike was well experienced in 
broadcasting long before I was [smiles] 
But, yes, I expect that it is. 

PLAYBOY: You started as a broadcaster at 
KEYD in Minneapolis, where the com- 
mentaries you did at thc end of your 
broadcasts received a lot of notice. Then 
you went to CBS in New York as a reporter 
contact, or, in reality, a cameraman's 
assistant —and for a dramatic cut in pay. 
REASONER: Yes, I think every time 1 come 
to CBS, I take а 50 percent cut in pay. 1 
have a Scotsman’s instinct about these 
things. [Laughs] 

PLAYBOY: That’s where you first ran into 


Don Hewitt, 

REASONER: Yeah, he was producing the 
Evening Neus with Douglas Edwards. In 
those days, since there were no television 
correspondents, the people on the assign- 
ment desk really got a chance to go out on 
stories. That's how I got to know Hewitt. 
PLAYBOY: He was regarded as the golden 
boy of television in those days. Did you 
pick up a lot working with him? 
REASONER: Ycah, and vice versa. 

PLAYBOY: When you were working for 
Hewitt, there was a story that after you 
had gotten an exclusive interview with 
Nikita Khrushchev by posing as a deputy 
sheriff, somcone asked you if you hadn't 
been worried about being arrested by the 
Secret Service. And you said 

REASONER: “I'm more afraid of Don Hew- 
itt than I am of the Secret Service.” Abso- 
Iutely. It's true today. I wasn’t afraid, just 
impressed with him. 
PLAYBOY: You were the first television 
reporter to be named a CBS correspond- 
ent. Until that time, there had been only 
radio correspondents. 

REASONER: I think so. I was the first guy 
who didn’t come out of World War Two or 
the Korean War or radio. 

PLAYBOY: Although you did spend time 
later covering Vietnam, as did the other. 
male correspondents on 60 Minutes. 
REASONER: The only difference with me was 
that I was in Vietnam first, as an employee 
of the U.S. Government 20 years before 


those guys were there. Not all that long 
and not all that expertly, but I was not 
surprised by what Í found when I went 
back. 

PLAYBOY: What conclusions did you draw 
from the experience? 

REASONER: J was in agreement with Gener- 
als Eisenhower and MacArthur that it was 
idiotic to get involved, whatever the prin- 
ciples, whether they were good or not. 
PLAYBOY: In any casc, you began doing a 
CBS network radio show out of New York 
in the early 
REASONER: I did a radio news show, or two 
of them a day, and I had never done radio 
before. I was a child of television— 
however difficult it may be to regard me as 
a child. 

PLAYBOY: Your television career took off 
afier columnist Jack Gould wrote a glow- 
ing report about your radio broadcasts 
in particular, those end pieces. 

REASONER: Well, he just зай 
they were all well written. 
PLAYBOY: Do you still enjoy writing? Do 
you write all your own 60 Minutes pieces? 
REASONER: Certainly not all of them. For 
instance, I think Morley, who is justifiably 
proud of his writing, has a different feeling 
about it. He enjoys writing; 1 enjoy having 
written. But Morley's young and he's get- 
ting more experience. [Laughs] 

PLAYBOY: You mean you don't enjoy the 
process? 

REASONER: The actual process is very diffi- 


he thought 


cult. And you have to do it alone and you 
think a drink would help, so it won't, so 
you can't Its a very lonely, difficult 
process. 1 like to contemplate writing, 
and I like having done it. It’s the actual 
process that bothers me. 

PLAYBOY: You said at the beginning that 
when you finally ended up at 60 Minutes, 
nobody really gave it much of a chance. 
REASONER: I don't think we foresaw what it 
was going to become. I was there a little 
more than two years before I left for ABC. 
We were about 54th or 55th out of 64 in the 
ratings, some dismal thing. When I came 
back from ABC, having invoked my Bar- 
bara Walters clause— 

PLAYBOY: Which was? 

REASONER: There was an oral agreement 
when they hired Barbara as co-anchor at 
ABC and they wanted me to agree to it. I 
said I would if they would cut two years off 
my contract. That was my Barbara Wal- 
ters escape clause, With no disrespect to 
her, I thought the whole thing was a mis- 
take and wanted to leave. She was the least 
of my problems. 

PLAYBOY: Actually, you didn’t do badly at 
ABC for a time. Didn’t the ratings of your 
newscast go up? 

REASONER: Yeah. One of the things I resent 
is the talk in recent years about how much 
Roone Arledge has done for ABC News. 
Producer Elmer Lower, Howard K. Smith 
and I did that for ABC News. We brought 
up the ratings to a respectable third place, 


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PLAYBOY 


almost second some of the time. But then 
things went wrong. Lower retired and 
Fred Pierce took over, and he had, I think, 
the badly conceived idea of hiring Barbara 
Walters to team up with me. 

PLAYBOY: You went back to CBS after nego- 
tiating a pay cut and rejoined 60 Minutes. 
Did you find it changed? Was there any 
tension when you suddenly reappeared? 
REASONER: As I frequently point out to 
Mike, in my first full year back, we 
became number one [laughs]. There 
weren't many changes. Don had retained 
his enthusiasm, the atmosphere was the 
same. When I came back, I was the fourth 
correspondent and had missed completely 
the period when they added the third cor- 
respondent, Dan Rather. When I came 
back, I suppose there was a period... 
not when I didn't get along with Mike but 
when there was a question of whether or 
not I still had the legs, as a baseball man- 
ager would say. 

PLAYBOY: Asscrtions that you are lazy have 
followed you most of your professional life. 
Are they undeserved? 

REASONER: That kind of assertion, I think, 
has haunted me a good deal during my 
professional life. Obviously, I deny it; but 
it's very hard to deal with, because if you 
deny it, you recognize some basis for it. 
PLAYBOY: You can't protest too loudly? 
REASONER: All I know is, when I left CBS 
for ABC, they had to find four people to 
replace me. The only denial I make is that, 


yes, I don't carry briefcases home for 
show. I don't work on airplanes, I don't 
try to do everybody else's job. I just try to 
do my own. 

PLAYBOY: Morley, you began your televi- 
sion carcer at the Canadian Broadcasting 
Company. 

SAFER: Well, I began at newspapers before 
that, at Reuters. I was a reporter on the 
street at 19. Then I became the London 
correspondent for CBC, and CBS hired 
me from there. They kept me in London 
and then, after four or five months, they 
sent me to Vietnam. 

PLAYBOY: Morley Safer's war, as it was 
called, because of your hard-hitting pieces. 
SAFER: Ycah, well, Morley Safer's war is 
first of all not true, and secondly, if true, 
it's a dubious distinction. 

PLAYBOY: Your reporting was decidedly 
antiwar. You managed to infuriate Presi- 
dent Johnson at one point. 

SAFER: I had some problems with Johnson; 
I had some problems with the Pentagon; I 
had some problems with the American 
mission in Viemam. [Laughs] 

PLAYBOY: You stayed in Vietnam for three 
years and then went back to London for 
CBS. Hewitt spotted you in 1970, when he 
was looking for a replacement for 
Reasoncr. What were you doing that 
caught his eye? 

SAFER: 1 was in the middle of burying 
DeGaulle. I got a call while I was feeding 
my report on the general's funeral by satel- 


lite to New York. Reasoner had just left, or 
announced he was going to leave, to go to 
ABC, for which I will be forever grateful, 
and they offered me the job. 

PLAYBOY: You, perhaps more than the oth- 
ers, had a tough time of it when you joined 
the show, right? 

SAFER: Well, I was the new kid, with a lot 
of pressure, because we were trying some- 
thing new. We were utterly unheard of. I 
was utterly a stranger to working in a head 
office. I guess from my earliest days in 
newspapers, I was always away from the 
brass. My staff, when I was abroad, con- 
sisted of me. The brass was 12 or 13 hours 
away. They could never find you, so you 
could deal with them on your own terms. 
Suddenly, I was surrounded by guys who 
were telling me what to do and watching 
me do what I did. And I was being hovered 
over all the time by these damn people. 
PLAYBOY: You had doubts that 60 Minutes 
would survive; wasn't part of the deal that 
if it folded, you would get your job in 
London back? 

SAFER: There was one condition: that when 
it folded, I would get my old job back. The 
record of serious broadcasts was and is ter- 
rible. So I made certain that my future was 
going to be all right. I would go back to 
where I was going to be happy. I had 
never lived in New York or in the United 
States before. 

PLAYBOY: As the new guy, did you feel you 
were in battle with Mike over turf? 


SAFER: Yeah, and I had never worked in a 
situation like this before. There is intense 
competition around here. 

PLAYBOY: And? 

SAFER: Mike and my friendship—it’s no 
secret—has undergone quite serious 
strains over the years but always sort of 
comes together again, as they say. We're a 
bit older. He's much older. [Laughs] And 
those things we fought over don't scem like 
the end of the world anymore. 

PLAYBOY: But as an independent-minded 
reporter, you must think it's fitting, in ret- 
rospect, that your career led you toward 
60 Minutes. 

SAFER: I've never used the word career. I 
mean, I woke up one day and I was a 
reporter; I woke up another day and I was 
a foreign correspondent. I woke up 
another day, І was one of two guys on a 
“prestigious” broadcast. I never planned 
anything; I never applied for anything. I 
was really very lucky. 

PLAYBOY: Ed, was it happenstance for you, 
too? 

BRADLEY: 1 ended up in journalism quite 
by accident, yes. I was a teacher moon- 
lighting as a jazz disc jockey at a local 
radio station in Philadelphia—on top of 
calling play by plays for basketball games 
and reading news. By 1967, I had rcached 
а point where I decided that I couldn't 
continue pursuing two carcers full time, 
Pm not a desk person and J can't spend a 
lot of time in one room, so I decided to go 


with broadcasting and answered an ad for 
CBS in New York. I bagged the job. 
PLAYBOY: You didn't stay long, however. 
BRADLEY: I stayed about my limit, three 
and a half years. 

PLAYBOY: Then you went to Paris on a 
vacation, and your experience there had 
quite an effect on your career. 

BRADLEY: I decided that I was born to live 
in Paris. I mean, there were just no ifs, 
ands or buts. I absolutely fell in love with 
the city. I met some people there who 
turned me on to Paris, and it was a won- 
derful experience. 

PLAYBOY: You were lucky: You got a job 
with CBS network radio there. 

BRADLEY: Well, the CBS network had 
offered me a job before, but it was a desk 
job and not very much money at that, so I 
turned them down flat. But when they 
offered it to me again in Paris, I said, 
"Look, you don't understand: I quit 
because I want to travel.” They said, 
"Come work for us; you'll travel first- 
class." I thought of that years later in the 
Huong Giang hotel in Hue, Victnam, 
watching the bugs crawl up the wall and 
listening to hand grenades going off out- 
side. It wasn't exactly the first-class they 
had promised. Anyway, | said thanks but 
no thanks. 

PLAYBOY: What made you decide it was 
what you wanted? 

BRADLEY: I was broke. I was looking at the 
possibilities, and they were slim and 


none—and slim was on his way out of 
town. So I took a job as a CBS stringer. It 
gave me a reasonable income. I mean, 
there were weeks when I made nothing. I 
lived on the Paris peace talks. 

PLAYBOY: You mean the Paris negotiations 
between the U.S. and Vietnam to end the 
war? 

BRADLEY: Yeah. The Paris peace talks were 
held about once a week. If they held the 
talks, I made the rent money. I remember 
once when the talks were suspended for 13 
wecks and I got a check for $12.50. But I 
managed to survive. I made enough to 
afford a motorcycle, put clothes on my 
back and vacation on thc Rivicra. 
PLAYBOY: You don't seem to have been 
career driven anywhere along the line. You 
were concentrating on having a good time. 
BRADLEY: No, I wasn't career driven. I 
didn't go to Paris for a career. 1 went to 
Paris for my life. Being in a strange place, 
with a strange language, it was kind of—it 
was like taking an acid bath. I could cut 
through things and kind of figure out how 
I had gotten to where I was. That was 
important. I had a very complicated child- 
hood, as 1 guess a lot of people have had, 
and Paris helped me sort it all out 
PLAYBOY: You left after two years and went 
to work for CBS television in Ncw York. 
BRADLEY: Again, accidental. I came back 
and reached another crossroads, as I had 
with teaching. I realized I couldn't con- 
tinue as a stringer in Paris anymore. My 


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PLAYBOY 


ego wouldn't let me. I decided I was either 
going all the way in or getting out. 
PLAYBOY: You went all the way, all right. — 
to Vietnam for CBS. 

BRADLEY: I'll tell you about that: Bob Lit- 
ile, the foreign editor at CBS, said, after I 
was formally hired, You know, you really 
came back at a bad time; we're in the mid- 
die of an election campaign"—it was 
*72—“and we really have nothing domes- 
tically for you." And I said, “Bob, FII tell 
you what; that’s fine with me, because I 
don't want to live here. 1 would rather live 
in"—1 tried to think of the worst place in 
the world —* Vietnam!" He looked at me 
and said, “Are you volunteering?” 
PLAYBOY: Were they having a hard time 
getting correspondents to volunteer? 
BRADLEY: I don't know. But I was pretty 
naive. I wanted to be a war correspondent, 
and I thought I had to get to Vietnam 
before the war was over. That was when 
Kissinger had said peace was at hand. So 
I rushed out, and in one week, I was in 
Vietnam. 

PLAYBOY: You were ncarl 
nam or, rather, in Cambodia. 
BRADLEY: Yes. I was nearly blown up, but 
in the end, it was a superficial wound, thc 
kind you can walk away from and talk 
about later. What was a morc emotional 
experience for me was spending some time 
with the Viet Cong in the jungle. It was 
while peace negotiations inside Victnam 
were still going on. The kind of deters 
tion and dedication I found among the 
Viet Gong was just mind-boggling. 
PLAYBOY: If there is one thing you four men 
share, it’s the Vietnam experience. Morley 
became famous for his opposition to the 
war, Mike was a supporter until he cov- 
ered it, and Harry was against it, too. Did 
spending that time with Viet Cong turn 
you around? 

BRADLEY: Well, I went there opposed to the 
war. | was in this country during the 
antiwar demonstrations. I covered them 
for CBS radio in New York. So that made 
it very difficult for me to cover the war 
objectively, because, in conscience, I was 
opposed to it. 

PLAYBOY: When you came back from Viet- 
ham, you covered the Carter campaign in 
1976 and then became a Washington cor- 
respondent. 

BRADLEY: Yeah, CBS sted I come back 
and promised me there was no such thing 
as a number-one or number-two corre- 
spondent. But that didn’t prove to be the 
case. 

PLAYBOY: That was similar to the position 
in which you'd found yourself in Paris— 
effectively second string, in other words. 
BRADLEY: We had a senior correspondent. 
That’s Bob Schiefler. And that means that 
he is the one who does the pieces for the 
Evening News. If there were a second 
piece, I would get on. Hell, t 
Plus, I got into the same old thing: It was 
an office job. You go to the same place 


lled in Viet- 


а- 


"s no fun. 


every day and check in. Now, pcople were 
saying, “Isn’t it great? Your office is in 
the White House.” But listen, I’m down in 
the basement in this little nook, in the 
back of the White Housc press room. And 
if Jimmy Carter jumps, I have to be there 
to say how high. But it's no great fun, and 
it wasn't the kind of work I wanted to do. 
Yes, I did want out. 

PLAYBOY: There have been assertions that 
you weren't too easy to get along with dur- 
ing your Washington tour, that you were 
abrasive and egocentric. Was it because 
you saw it as a second-string job? 

think so. I think I'm easy to get 
along with. I don't think I'm abrasive or 
cgocentric. I think I have a healthy ego, 
but my problem in Washington was that 
there were too many bullshit assignments. 
PLAYBOY: Safer points out that when he 
came to 60 Minutes from Paris, after Viet- 
nam, he faced a similar problem. 

BRADLEY: I had always worked overseas lor 
CBS, and I was my own boss. When I 
went out, I was the producer. So then to 
come back and have to report to a desk 
and get a good night before you could 
go—it was all a big change for me. 1 don't 
think anyone understood that. People 


“To watch Wallace climb 

over seats to get to Nancy 

and Ronald Reagan —I 
love live television!" 


didn't understand that I had not come up 
through the system, that I had made my 
own way. 

PLAYBOY: It was during the 1976 campaign. 
and conventions that you met a couple of 
other guys who had made their own way— 
Hewitt and Wallace. 

BRADLEY: That was the first time I was 
exposed to Hewitt and the frenetic energy 
he has. He was in charge of the corre- 
spondents. When you see him turned 
on—I mean, it’s amazing. He's just a live 
wire. You kind of sit back and, you know, 
watch. And then to scc Wallace at work! 
PLAYBOY: You were impressed? 

was in awe. I was what they 
call a relief correspondent. We had two 
teams, and I was on the second team on 
the floor. I found that whenever I knew 
Wallace was getting ready to go onto the 
floor, I'd try to stay close and watch him. 
It was just amazing to see someone who is 
so—I tease him about his age—someone 
of his years! [Laughs] I call Mike “Pops” 
today. But to watch Wallace climb over 
seats to get to Nancy and Ronald 
Reagan—I love live television! 

PLAYBOY: In those last couple of years 
before you joined 60 Minutes, you 


anchored the Sunday Night News, the first 
black correspondent to do so. 
BRADLEY: It’s a shame that that was so 
noteworthy. But it's indicative of what you 
have to go through in this country. 
PLAYBOY: You mean, because you are 
black, there is always the lurking suspicion 
that despite the fact that you've paid your 
ducs and have thc credentials, your race 
has helped your career? 
BRADIEY: I don't know. I don't know why 
the notion is advanced, whether it's 
because whenever reporters ask about it, 
they advance the notion. 
PLAYBOY: Certainly, when you went to 60 
Minutes, it was said that getting a black 
rcporter on the program was a good thing; 
until then, it had been a white, male club. 
BRADIEY: Reporters always mention that. 
I've never heard it from anyone at CBS. If 
it’s true, CBS got a twofer: They got a 
minority and someone who's good. Гуе 
never given it much thought. Í look at it 
this way: This is one of the top jobs at 
the premier broadcast of the 
network in terms of ratings and draw. I 
don’t think CBS would do anything they 
thought would mess it up. 
PLAYBOY: Diane Sawyer is now the newest 
kid on the block. As the previous one, do you 
think she has the credentials to join you? 
BRADLEY: Yeah, I think so. Probably less 
than my colleagues, but who can match 
the years that Mike and Morley and 
Harry have? But given the experience that 
she has had, I think she’s done a good job 
at every step. I remember her from Wash- 
ington; her office was diagonally across the 
hall from mine. She was taking some heat 
for her Nixon affiliation, and I think we 
both felt like outcasts then. 
PLAYBOY: Diane, your road to television 
was rather indirect. 
SAWYER: I’m afraid my path to journalism 
was rather desultory. I had just got out of 
college in 1967 and I didn't know what 1 
wanted to do. I was considering newspa- 
per work when my father said, “Why don’t 
you try TV?” So I started in Louisville, 
my home town. There were no women 
doing hard news on TV, and it occurred to 
me this might be a pioncering opportunity 
and an adventure. 
PLAYBOY: It was while you were doing news 
and weather for a local station that Bill 
Small, then the CBS Washington bureau 
chief, saw you, wasn’t it? He later hired 
you for CBS. 
SAWYER: Well, he had seen my work on tel- 
evision. 1 had known him before, because 
he'd worked for CBS in Louisville and his 
children were in the class my mother 
taught. 
PLAYBOY: But first you moved to Washing- 
ton, where you ended up working as a 
press aide for Richard Nixon, your job for 
the next eight years, Your association with 
the Nixon | nistration wasn't to your 
advantage when you went to work for 
CBS, was it? 
SAWYER: I think it’s safe to say it was not 
(continued on page 78) 


© 1985 


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Ws finally clear— 
this thing called feminism wants 
everything, guys, everything 


ıs largely a matter of what gets noticed. Its 
practitioners exert themselves to make us place cer- 
tain considerations in the foreground and others in 
the background. That is what lobbyists and political- 
action committees are for. Representatives of the 
American Medical Association or the Conserva- 
tive Caucus, for instance, are, doubtless, estimable 
people who would like everybody to be happy; but 
when all is said and done, what they most want is for 
their clients to get morc attention than the rest of us. 

All that is so obvious that it may hardly seem worth 
saying. But consider a further point: Sexual poli i 
in the end, just politics. It, too, is largely a matter ol 
what we are encouraged to notice and what we are 
discouraged from secing. Its practitioners want us to 
place in the foreground the concerns of one sex and in 
the background those of the other. To be sure, like 
other lobbyists, they arc likely to tell you that their. 
ultimate concern is with the good of all humanity, 
with which the interests of their group happen to 
coincide. Many of them will genuinely believe it 
as former General Motors president Charles Wilson 
probably believed that what was good for G.M. was 
good for Am . Indeed, many of them will be 
right—just as Wilson was right—to an extent. But 
only to an extent and only at those times when their 
interests do not compete with the interests of others. 
At all other times, they will remember the first princi- 
ple of their calling: There is only so much attention to 
go around, and the point of the game is to get most of 
it for their team. 

The fact that sexual politics is just politics brings us 
quickly to a dismal conclusion that has long been 
waiting for all of us to sce: Whatever it once may have 
been in theory, the women's movement today is 
nothing more or less than a lobby, single-mindedly 
promoting the interests of one group at the ex- 
pense of another, without regard to logic, principle or 


essay 


Bv JOHN CORDON 


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o 
а 
P 
= 
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jus 


ice. “By their fruits ye shall know 
them,” and ideology has long ceased to be 
the question for feminists; the question is, 
rather, just this: Which side gets its inter- 
ests attended to? That is as true of the 
movement's most conservative representa- 
tives as it is of the radicals: The two most 
powerful women in national Government, 
Justice Sandra Day O'Connor and Health 
and Human Services Secretary Margaret. 
Heckler, are exemplary hard-ass Reagan- 
ites in relation to all minorities except 
their own, that of middle-class women, to 
which they are invariably as indulgent as 
any discredited bleeding-hearter. 

Generally, when one interest group suc- 
ceeds in getting such special attention, the 
result may be unfair, but it is not likely to 
be terribly injurious to those passed over. 
The simple mathematics of the lobbying 
business usually guarantee that no indi- 
vidual will have to suffer in anything like 
the proportion to which another individ- 
ual is benefited. Singling out the soybean 
growers of America for special treatment is 
not, realistically, the equivalent of dis- 
criminating against each of the other 
workers of the country: There are just too" 
many of them, and whatever relative dis- 
advantage they may suffer will be diffused 
100 widely to allow any of them legitimate 
cause for feeling personally aggrieved. 

In this regard, however, sexual politics 
is different from other kinds—perhaps, in 
fact, unique. There are, after all, only two 
sexes, dividing the human race about 
equally. To discriminate in favor of one is, 
unavoidably, to discriminate in equal 
degree against the other. A person who 
likes the Irish better than other nationali- 
ties cannot really be said to be bigoted 
against all the other tribes of humanity, 
cannot seriously be called a racist. But a 
person who preaches the superiority of one 
sex necessarily preaches the inferiority of 
the other and does deserve to be called a 
sexist, A movement that tells us, by pre- 
cept or example, that we all have to be 
especially attentive to the interests of one 
sex also tells us that we have to be espe- 
cially oblivious to those of the other; even 
if it calls that instruction consciousness 
raising, such a movement deserves to be 
called sexist. 

Despite its protestations of sexual egal- 
itarianism, when the National Organiza- 
tion of Women argucs against (as it does) 
efforts to redress the traditional antimale 
bias of child-custody settlements, it is not 
merely working for women, as it will tell 
you it is; it is also working against men. 
The same is true when feminists demand 
(with some success) that the traditional 
presumption of innocence be withheld 
from accused rapists and extended beyond 
previously accepted limits for confessed 
husband-murderers. Or when communi- 
ties across the land are lobbied (also with 
some success) to consider real or repre- 


sented violence against women as an espe- 
cially urgent issue, essentially more wor- 
thy of attention than ordinary violence 
against, you know, men. It is true, too, 
when the same people who once drove Dr. 
Edgar Berman from his post on a Demo- 
cratic Party policy committee for making 
an issue of menstrual-related tension now 
demand that it be an admissible defense in 
court; or when, in response to feminist 
pressure, Indianapolis and other cities 
attempt to ban cinematic depictions of het- 
erosexual (not homosexual) copulation on 
the grounds that the woman (not the man) 
in the scene is being degraded and that the 
women (not the men) in the audience or 
outside it are being oppressed. When, after 
some 25 executions of male criminals, the 
prospect of putting to death a woman who 
murdered, among others, her own mother 
suddenly stirs controversy and national 
uneasiness—when all this and much more 
goes on—the time has come to realize that 
what we are dealing with is sexism, the 
programmatic exaltation of one half of us 
at the expense of the other half, as pro- 
moted by the most successful political- 
action committee of our age. In 
self-defense, if nothing else, the time has 
come for men to start noticing some things 
that they are not generally encouraged to 
notice these days. 

Readers of PLAYBOY may consider such 
admonitions superfluous. If there is any 
audience that one would expect to be at 
least as alert to male as to female interests, 
it ought to be the readership of this maga- 
zine. Well, no offense, but I wonder. Take 
a look at the following news item, 
reprinted in its entirety, and see how you 
feel about it. 


SAN FRANCISCO (October 20, 1983) — 
Female inmates of San Quentin 
prison will have to endure strip 
searches and showers under the scru- 
tiny of male guards, says a Federal 
judge who ruled that privacy is second- 
ary to security. 

U.S. District Judge Spencer Wi 
liams yesterday dismissed a class- 
action suit brought by three inmates 
who complained it was humiliating to 
be naked in front of male guards at 
the maximum-security facility. They 
also complained some of the male 
guards verbally harassed them. 

Williams said use of male guards 
didn't violate the inmates’ constitu- 
tional right to privacy and said secu- 
rity needs justified the physical 
observation and hands-on searches 
by correctional officers, including 
men. 

The ruling protects men's employ- 
ment rights in correctional facilities, 
said California Attorney General 


John Van de Kamp. 


Unless 1 am terribly mistaken, the reac- 
tion of most readers of this or any other 


publication is probably one of incredulity, 
even shock. Uniformed men being licensed 
to grope ("hands-on searches,” indeed!) 
and abuse naked women, against their 
will, in the name of “men's employment 
rights"? Can such things be? In a time 
when female workers who find that men 
have been peeking into their shower room 
can successfully sue the company for mil- 
lions (as happened recently in Wheeling, 
West Virginia), when “sexual har- 
assment" is the red flag of the hour? 
Where is Ms.? Where are 60 Minutes, 
Nighiline and the various evening news 
shows? How is it that they all failed to 
notice, and tell you about, such an enor- 
mity? 

"They didn't tell you about it because 
the news item quoted, though reprinted in 
its entirety, was transcribed with one 
slight alteration: My word processor was 
instructed to run it through its find-and- 
replace function, replacing the word male 
with female and men with women, and 
vice versa. As an experiment, you might 
try reading the item again, restoring the 
original words. Notice how commonplace 
it suddenly sounds? It sounds common- 
place because it is commonplace. In its 
inal version, it is not a bloodcurdling 
atrocity but part of the normal furniture of 
contemporary American life, unnoticed or 
barely remarked. That is why it was only 
by chance—while leafing through the 
back pages of a local paper on a slow news 
day—that I happened across it, and why 
you never heard about it on the network 
news. It is just not the sort of thing the 
people who run those enterprises consider 
worth noticing, not the sort of thing 
enlightened people, in the present climate. 
of sexual politics, are supposed to notice. 

What are we supposed to notice? Snuff 
movies, for one thing, the ultimate expres- 
sion of man's rapacious, ctc., and so forth, 
toward woman—even though, as it hap- 
pens, there are no authentic snuff films. 
Still, the snuff-movie story has, so far, 
emerged in the campaign against men as a 
kind of Protocols of the Learned Elders of 
Zion, a lie that keeps coming back по mat- 
ter how many times it's exposed. 

It does, however, have competitors for 
the honor. There is, for example, the 
fabled crowd of cheering, applauding men 
in the famous New Bedford rape case of 
threc years ago—a crowd that did not 
exist, as was eventually discovered by a 
press that did not go out of its way to 
deflate the myth it had helped create. And, 
of course, there is the formulaic utterance 
“Women earn 59 cents for every dollar a 
man earns"—a figure that is technically 
correct, to be sure; but, as George Gilder 
(on the right), Lester Thurow (on the left) 
and several others have pointed out, a di 
parity resulting from a variety of causes 


(continued on page 156) 


“Gosh, Melanie—yow're beautiful when you're angry!” 


LEN I 


^ RANGER IN PARADISE 


u.s. forest service officer toni westbrook doesn't pine for an indoor job 
р 
MAGINE YOURSELF a part-time tree-naper out in a remote corner of Alaska's Juneau forest 
region at five a.m, halfway through sectioning up the giant spruce tree you've just fell 
š with your trusty chain saw. Suddenly, you hear footsteps behind you, the ominous splat 
a wad of chewing tobacco hitting the snow and a voice saying, “OK, buddy, you'll have to clear 
out. You know these trees aren't SPE E to be cut down.” And imagine turning around to 


The magnificent view abave is of Herbert Glacier (named after a onetime U.S. Secretary Navy), 

one of the stops Toni Westbraok, U.S. Forest Service law-enforcement officer, makes on a'helicopter 

t ayer the 1,500,000-acre Juneau Ranger District of Alaska’s Tongass National Forest. « 
bol 


v: 
PHOTOGRAPHY EY DAVID MECEY Wx. 


72 


After a lang day of trekking through the Juneau forest, Toni and her buddies down a few beers at the Red Dog Saloon, a colarful local pub (above 
left). And how does Toni relote to these burly lumberjock types? “1 con ride а horse, shoot and cover my territory аз well os anyone else," she says, 
“and the guys | work with respect me for thot.” She also chews tobocco— "just o little chow now ond then." Above right, Toni prepares for o helicop- 
ler reconnoissonce flight. Below, she gets her jeep ond her pet Husky reody to hit the forest troils in seorch of squotters and illegol woodcutters. 


confront the forest ran 
She's 5'7", has curly dark hair 
and a 34-23-35 figure and is 
accompanied by a Husky 
whose jaws have no safety 
switch. Of course, you are 
armed with a rifle (as is nearly 
everyone in this territory, 
where the bears are large 
enough to play Frisbee with 
your body), but you don’: dare 
go for it. You're caught and you 
know it. And—what the hell— 
you probably don't mind, since 
the ranger is the prettiest damn 
thing you've ever seen in the 
woods at five A.M 

She's Toni Westbrook, and 
we discovered her during our 
search for a forthcoming Girls 
of Alaska pictorial Toni, 28, 
was born in California but 
moved to Alaska two and a half 
years ago and now considers 
herself a native Alaskan. Alas- 
ka, of course, is horseback, jeep 
and four-by-four territory, still 
largely unpopulated and, like 
many of its citizens, still a bit 
wild. Toni learned to ride her 
parents’ two horses long before 
she knew how to drive a car. 
Accordingly, the first thing she 
did when she had enough 
moncy for a car was to buy a 
horse. “He cost me $700, plus 
$150 a month to feed,” sa 
Toni, “but he earns his keep. I 
ride him on patrols through 
parts of my territory that can't 
be reached by truck." Her ter- 
ritory is the 1,500,000-acre 
Juneau Ranger Distrit of 
Alaska’s ntic Tongass 
National Forest. And what 
does Toni’s job involve? “The 
two main things I look for are 
people who've built makeshift 
cabins out there without a 
permit—they're hard to find in 
an area that huge—and illegal 
woodcutters.”” 

Toni works out with weights 
when she isn’t patrolling the 
giant spruce-and-hemlock for- 
est. “You need muscle strength 
for my job. For instance, after 1 


"My favorite thing is to ga ta my 
‘own cabin in the forest and spend 
a week there doing nothing but 
fishing, going for lang walks in the 
snow and lazing around by the 
says Tani, lazing around ot 

t. It’s enough to make a city 
slicker feel os rustic as all get out. 


chased one guy away, I had to 
roll his log sections, which 
weighed about 80 pounds 
apiece, into my truck. It took 
all afternoon." Toni, who once 
won a 20-buck bet (with a man, 
of course) over the number of 
push-ups she could do, is, how- 
ever, quite a lady away from 
the job. She likes “tall, dark, 
handsome men—but then, 
what woman doesn’t?” with a 
sense of humor. “А man who 
can make me laugh does much 
better with me than а strong, 
silent macho type.” Say, Toni, 
have you heard the one about 
Smokey the Bare . . . ? 


But seriously. If you're ever 
lost in the Juneau forest range 
and pray for an angel to rescue. 
you before your toes freeze off, 
don't be surprised if that angel 
is carrying a sack of Copen- 
hagen. And remember: No jol 
ing with the ranger on duty. 


H you're wondering obout the tot- 
too on Toni's thigh, below, all we 
can tell you is thot it's o long- 
stemmed rose. As for how ond why 
she got she keeps that to her- 
self. At ony rote, os the old 
scying goes, this bud's for you. 


22 
22 


22 


2 ^ howto save a would-be hero from himself 


TISNOT my place, as a slow white per- 
son with mongrel dogs and an old 
Plymouth Horizon, to tella supersonic 
black person with a virgin-white Sam- 
oyed and a new BMW how to repackage 
himself. But I am going to. Everyone else 
may be willing to let the world's most 
famous active athlete go on being eerily 
boring, but I think the man has potential. 

How anybody who always does exactly. 
what he has in mind, and who moves like 
the Greek god of Thrust combined with 
the Greek god of Flow, and who operates 
like the California god of Public Relations, 
can manage to win four gold medals, find 
opulence through amateurism, appear on 
the cover of Time twice in three weeks and 
still lay an egg, 1 don't know. But that is 
the feat Carl Lewis pulled off at the 1984 
Olympics. 

He came іп image-heavy. It is said that 
the mother of Peisidorous, an ancient 
Olympic boxing champion, disguised her- 
self as a man so that she could act as her 
son's second. Then, when he won, she for- 
got herself, took him into her arms and 
caressed him. This incident led to a rule 
requiring all Olympic trainers to appear 
naked, which I imagine did not make 
Peisidorous the sentimental favorite four 
years later. I can see them now, a chorus of 
little gnarled guys from the Hellenic 
equivalent of Canarsie, chewing on cigars 
and cracking, “You better show us some- 
thing. Thanks to your momma, we got to 
stand here with our balls hanging out." 

But at least Peisidorous did not go into 
the Olympics with a penchant for wearing, 
at various times, pointed white-rimmed 
glasses, orange-and-black Harlequin 
tights, eyebrow pencil, orange lip gloss 
and a haircut that made him look unset- 
tlingly like the metasexual New Wave 
poseuse and singer Grace Jones. Nor did 
Peisidorous have a manager who said 
things like “No one's ever had a Carl 
Lewis going into the Olympics before. 
We're on the frontier" And “We want 
Carl to be identified with one major com- 
pany, the way O. J. Simpson is with Hertz 
or Bob Hope is with Texaco.” 

Peisidorous did not threaten to sue some 
Italians who planned to film a documen- 
tary on him. Carl Lewis did. “I don't want 
to be diluted," he told Gary Smith of 
Sports Illustrated. 

The Lewises are a tight family who do 
not see themselves in terms of “people.” 
Said Carl's long-jumping sister Carol, 
“People aren't what they wish they were— 
and we are." As it turned out in Los 
Angeles, Carol finished behind several 
people and showed dissatisfaction with 
herself. Tell us about it, Carol. Welcome to 
life. But Carl won all the golds he had set 
as goals for himself and demonstrated 
great galloping self-pleasure before a 
world-wide audience of something like two 
and a half billion. Quite a few of those 
watchers, however, were saying, "Carl, 
take a flying leap." 


ILLUSTRATION BY JOHN O'LEARY 


It was in the long jump that he stepped 
on his dick. After leaping far enough to 
win the gold, he played it safe. Four times, 
his turn came around for another shot at 
Bob Beamon's venerable world and 
Olympic record, but each time, as thc 
global village cut away from whatever else 
it was doing to focus on Lewis alone, 
he passed. He saved his energy for the 
other events he had to win in order to pre- 
serve his appeal as a corporate front per- 
son. Judicious business strategy, perhaps. 
But prodigious athletes do not become 
American heroes by keeping their powder 
and lip gloss dry. (Especially when, right 
after the next commercial, tiny, scarcely 
ripened gymnast women are busting their 
humps as if in one last desperate effort to 
forestall Armageddon.) As of this writing, 
no major U.S. corporation has stepped 
forward to embrace a Harlequin-panted 
jock who is not a hero. 

So it's repackaging time. Lewis and his 
manager led up to the Olympics with a 
four-year, six-point plan. I propose these 
six new points for a Great Leap Forward: 

One: Marry the daughter of the chairman 
of a major corporation. Or his son. 

Carl Lewis’ sexuality, of course, is none 
of our business. Sure. Here we have a man 
who carries his own make-up kit, displays 
his buns in Vanity Fair, collects china and 
crystal, wears puffed-sleeve jackets and, on 
the other hand, drives 125 miles an hour 
with a Fuzzbuster in his car and says, “If 
you are very masculine and believe in 
yourself, it is very hard to attack your mas- 
culinity." A lot of people want to know 
who a guy like that is taking to the dance. 
And all he will tell us is, “I could be sleep- 
ing with a horse for all [people] know” 
and “It's not as though six people have 
caught me in bed with six men." Most of 
the characters John Wayne played could 
have said the former and Truman Capote 
could have said the latter. Do we want an 
‚American hero who either never has sex or 
never has it with anybody he wants to be 
seen with? "True, Michael Jackson seems to 
get away with one or the other, but (A) he 
is a Jehovah’s Witness and (B) an element 
of creepiness works in rock "n' roll. 

What if Lewis’ sexuality is something 
major corporations and Mr. and Mrs. 
America frown on? Well, every American 
hero's sexuality should include a broad 
streak of philosophy summarizable as fol- 
lows: “Fuck 'em." 

Two: Revive redneck chic. 

Joe Namath worked against type by 
making panty-hose commercials. Lewis 
might start using country-boy locutions. 
Fortunately, there is a new book out called 
You All Spoken Here, by Roy Wilder, Jr., 
which provides any number of useful 
expressions: "He's so tight, when he grins. 
his pecker skins back.” “He lies so bad, he 
hires somebody to call his dogs." “All 
vines and no taters.” “He's been places 
an’ et in ho-tels.” “Fast as salts in a 


widder woman." “Dumber than a barrel 
of hair.” 

Three: Start hanging out with somebody 
other than family and walk-around guys. 

How about Chuck Yeager? Vanessa 
Williams? Geraldine Ferraro? George 
Burns? It would humanize Lewis’ profile if 
people were to ask George Burns what the 
two of them did together and Burns were 
to reply, “He wanted me to run with him, 
but when we came to the first lap, I sat in 
it. Then I introduced myself and she said, 
"Aren't you going to go any further? I 
said, ‘It’s nice of you, but not at my age.’ 
She said, ‘Aren’t you going to jump with 
Carl? I said, ‘No. At my age, what could 
surprise me that much?” 

Four: Collect something different. 

I have been told that Waterford crystal 
fits into the new mandarin elegance of rich 
black males. Well. Maybe. I still say it 
sucks. He who accumulates crystal is 
bound to start watching his step. Re- 
member when someone broke into Lewis” 
house during the Olympics and smashed 
his Waterford collection? Maybe that 
wouldn't have happened if he collected 
something less fragile, something ordinary 
people could identify with. Like duck 
decoys, for instance. 

Five: Develop vulnerability. 

Carl Lewis insists on being a master of 
all he deigns to touch. “He is secure 
enough to risk," says his acting coach, but 
there is actors’ vulnerability and then 
there is folks’ vulnerability. A real Ameri- 
can hero—Muhammad Ali, Richard 
Pryor, Billie Jean King—has downs as 
well as ups. For starters, Lewis could go 
fishing on The American Sportsman and— 
no, not fall into the water. Just not catch 
anything. 

Six: Do something for free. 

After the Olympics, Lewis’ agent 
claimed that his client had turned down 
$100,000 for a single track meet and would 
not sign with a pro football team for less. 
than $1,000,000 a year. Since Lewis is said 
to hate the macho regimentation of football 
(and good for him), this means that he 
would undertake half a year of something 
he can't stand for seven figures but 
wouldn't do one night of something he 
loves for six. This is not heroic. 

Far better would be for him to give him- 
self over to some large-scale charity effort. 
"This would prove he is rich. It also might 
do both Lewis and people some good. 
How about a Carl Lewis telethon to com- 
bat a major affliction? 1 have one in mind. 
It strikes hundreds of thousands of 
contemporary Americans—lawyers, bish- 
ops, Presidential aides, TV Christians, 
Yuppies, consultants, Pentagon officials 
and, yes, superstar athletes. I don't know 
the scientific name for this condition, but 
down home we used to call it Too Stuffed 


to Jump. 
El 


PLAYBOY 


“60 MINUTES” 


“A number of other things would have made me 


(continued from page 64) 


happy. But this is the Valhalla of TV.” 


the best part of my résumé. [Laughs] 
PLAYBOY: Would you have liked to omit it, 
to describe it as eight years with the Feace 
Corps? 

SAWYER: Ycah, cight years of Government. 
work. 

PLAYBOY: But it did arouse some resent- 
ment, didn't it? Dan Rather, for one, 
objected to your being hired, didn't he? 
SAWYER: I really think that it was an objec- 
tion on principle. I was the specific; his 
objection was to the general, which 
included me. 

PLAYBOY: Was there cvcr any demonstra- 
tion of your colleagues’ displeasure? 
SAWYER: Only things that appeared in gos- 
sip columns: “CBS News staffers express 
dismay” kind of thing. No one ever 
expressed their feelings directly to me. 
Most of the criticisms that became public 
were from unnamed sources. Dan Rather 
approached me and told me what he had 
said, so 1 didn’t hear it from someone else, 
which was very kind of him. 

PLAYBOY: That antipathy changed while 
you were co-anchor for the CBS Morning 
News with Bill Kurtis in 1982. You did an 
interview with your former boss, Richard 
Nixon, and asked some pretty tough ques- 
tions. Do you think that was when you 
shook off other people’s doubts? 

SAWYER: I think that finally closed the 
chapter, but the antipathy had changed 
before that. The change was perhaps just 
by dint of familiarity and by the fact that I 
was given the CBS News equivalent of an 
initiation rite. We didn’t have to dip our 
hands in spaghetti and be told foul, vile 
things—but I was sent out on every 
stakeout. It's the kind of thing that every 
new person goes through, a kind of survi- 
val of thc fittest. Some former stars of local 
TV haven't appreciated it, but I was fortu- 
nate in that Ї had no expectations and 
extremely low confidence about my jour- 
nalistic ability at a network level, because 
I had not done it for so long. So I was 
the one who was called in the middle of the 
night to go stand on freezing street corners 
for hours to stake people out. I chased peo- 
ple to get one sound bite for an insert in 
someone else's story. In fact, 1 think I hold 
the record for the longest stakeout. 
PLAYBOY: Where was that? 

SAWYER: In the lobby of the Madison 
Hotel in Washington, during the Mideast 
negotiations—from which assignment, by 
the way, I got a good number of business 
cards from men who did not believe I was 
there for any respectable purpose. Try 
protesting sometime that you're sitting in 
the lobby of a hotel, day in and day out, for. 


journalistic reasons. [Laughs] 
PLAYBOY: The contacts you made during 
the Nixon Administration must have been 
useful during the time you covered the 
State Department for CBS. 

SAWYER: Oh, they helped some. I’m not 
sure that whatever else I might have done 
in those years wouldn’t have brought me 
friends and people to ask questions of. 
PLAYBOY: But you had met and dated 
Henry Kissinger during the time you spent 
in the Administration. He must have pro- 
vided you with some contacts in the State 
Department. 

SAWYER: Well, no. I knew some people in 
the State Department, but remember, it 
had changed hands. I knew some people in 
the establishment in Washington, and they 
tend to pass in and out of jobs. So I knew 
people at State but not because of him. 
PLAYBOY: You've never covered foreign 
affairs, in the sense of being a foreign cor- 
respondent. Is that a handicap here? 
SAWYER: I would like to have done a couple 
of years overseas. Do I think it's a handi- 
cap? I’m not sure. I think not knowing 
about foreign affairs might be a handicap, 
but in the year I spent covering the State 
Department, I got the graduate course. 
PLAYBOY: There have been asscrtions in the 
Press that your friendship with William 
Paley, the CBS chairman, and others, such 
as Kissinger, have been responsible for 
your rather rapid rise. The question raised 
is whether that rapid rise has been exclu- 
sively on your merits as a journalist. How 
do you respond? 

SAWYER: Whose question is that? Is that 
yours? You've seen me on the air; you've 
seen my work. I don't believe it's a ques- 
tion. I believe it’s a manufactured ques- 
tion, because I’m a female and because it’s 
titillating. 

PLAYBOY: It’s not titillating to raise a ques- 
tion discussed elsewhere, most recently in 
a TV Guide article titled “Is Diane Sawyer 
Tough Enough for 60 Minutes?” The arti- 
cle implied that those friendships may 
have contributed to your success. 

SAWYER: [Smiles] It is a preposterous ques- 
tion! But itamuses me. The TV Guide arti- 
cle went on to say that those who know 
think it is preposterous, that I work hard. 
PLAYBOY: If you were doing an interview 
and a similar question were being asked in 
the press, would you not ask it? 

SAWYER: I might ask you how you felt 
about the fact that people asked you the 
question. I don't think I would ask it as a 
real question, unless I thought you were 
lousy at your job. The old "Some people 
say" routine: We know the tricks. 


PLAYBOY: Then clear it up once and for all. 
SAWYER: It's not true, of course. And let 
the record show that this entire exchange 
has been entirely through smiles. 
PLAYBOY: It will. Speaking of friends, you 
stayed with Nixon out of loyalty, as you've 
often explained. But as to those tough 
questions you asked him on your Morning 
News interview, hadn't they occurred to 
you while you were working for him? 
SAWYER: Well, I had worked with him on 
the Watergate part of his book. All cf the 
factual questions had been asked. Some 
of my questions probed for emotional 
responses, for a sense of his own feelings, 
and they hadn't been asked, because they 
don't have to be asked when you're work- 
ing closely with someone. A lot of time had 
passed, and I wanted to ask the questions 
that I thought the people in the audience 
would have asked. I think it's arguable 
that I did. I also wanted to see if there had 
been any changes in his state of mind since 
I had left. It wasn't a sudden transforma- 
tion on my part. 
PLAYBOY: If you had those questions in 
your mind, why did you wait so long to 
leave Nixon's employ? 
SAWYER: Once I became immersed in the 
book, I was responsible for a significant 
section of it. I really felt I had a responsi- 
bility to see it through. 
PLAYBOY: How did you end up at 60 Min- 
ules? 
SAWYER: My feeling that it was time to 
leave the Morning News was the prime 
mover in my arrival at 60 Minutes. It was 
Don's feeling that I should move, too. 
There was a lot of resistance at various ex- 
ecutive levels at CBS toward doing it at this 
time. But keep in mind that Don had been 
talking about getting me on 60 Minutes 
during the period when the Morning Neus 
had increased its ratings monumentally. 
PLAYBOY: When did you meet Hewitt? 
SAWYER: I first met Don Hewitt, I think in 
any memorable sense, at the Democratic 
Convention four years ago. I covered the 
floor and he vas the floor producer. That's 
the first time I remember working with 
him [leughs]—or experiencing him, which 
is not much different from meeting him. 
PLAYBOY: Were you tired of the Morning 
Neus? 
SAWYER: CBS made it clear they wanted 
me to be happy, and we agreed that my 
tenure on the Morning News should be a 
finite one. I had never thought I would 
stay for 13 or 14 years, as others have 
done. So when I had a sense that it was 
time to move on, I felt I could approach 
them and I did. There were a number of 
other things we talked about my doing, 
including reporting for the Evening Neus, 
which would have made me happy. But 
this is the Valhalla of TV. 
PLAYBOY: Your contract is reported to be in 
the neighborhood of $800,000 a year, 
which puts you near the top of the pay 
(continued on page 158) 


“I always wondered, darling, what m meant when you said you 


wanted to walk through life as a spectator." 


HIGH-END 
HI-FI 


wallet-busting ways to break the sound barrier 
modern living By NORMAN EISENBERG 


IT LOOKS LIKE an architect's model for a 
cluster of ultramodern buildings with 
ramps, terraces and towers thrusting 
skyward. Then someone presses a but- 
ton and the whole thing comes alive 
with incredible sound. You are in the 
presence of a new kind of sonic great- 
ness, and size, complexity and cost just 
don't mean a thing. What counts is 


performance—with the fringe ends of 
the audible spectrum given as much 
meticulous attention as the main sonic 
body. Obviously, this system is not for 
everyone. Aside from its size, the setup 
costs a cool $45,000—and that's only 
for the speakers and an equalizer. 
Rounding out the full stereo stable 
with suitably matched turntable, arm, 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY DON AZUMA 


Bottom left: Stonding 7'6” tall, Infinity's 
Reference Standard Series II is the Ralph 
Sampson of stereo speakers. For $32,000, 
yau get four rosewood modules (only two 
are shown here)—two contain six 12" 
polypropylene woofers euch and the other 
two house 12 electromagnetic induction- 
midrange drivers and 36 electromagnetic 
induction tweeters each. Below right: At 
$12,900, the French-made Goldmund Ref- 
erence turntable costs as much as a mid- 
size car, but mony purists swear by its 
computer-controlled motor and suspended 
subchassis, which rests on a 20"-tall steel 
stand (not shown), from Christopher 
Hansen Ltd., Los Angeles. (The Goldmund 
T3B tonearm shown increuses fhe price 
$2800.) Right: The Sequerra Model 1 Spec- 
trum Analyzer/FM Tuner analyzes signal 
specifics while picking up FM stations, 
by United Sounds of America, $5000. 


cartridge, tape deck, tuner and amplifi- 
ers ups the ante to about $90,000. This 
particular speaker setup is the custom- 
built contribution to high-end audio by 
David A. Wilson, the owner of Wiison 
Audio Specialties of Novato, Califor- 
nia, a designer who makes his 1650- 
pound speakers available in more 
than 100 fine wood finishes. Give him 
about 14 weeks to deliver the system 
once you order it. The full name is the 
Wilson Audio Modular Monitor, but 
you can call it WAMM. If you can't wait 


for a WAMM to be built and $32,000 is 
burning a hole in your pocket, there's 
the Infinity Systems Reference Stand- 
ard Series III speakers, which, at 7'6", 
suggest'a scale model of a high-rise. 
They weigh in at a mere 1200 pounds 
and house a dozen 12" woofers and 72 
tweeters in the four modules. As of 
right now, the WAMM and the Infinity 
Ш are probably the world's most 
expensive and elaborate sound boxes. 
Just looking at them can inspire awe. 
Who'd have (concluded on page 190) 


Left: WAMM, bom, thank you, David Wil- 
son of Novato, California, for creat- 
ing the Wilson Audio Modular Monitor 
(WAMM), a stereo speaker system consist- 
ing of two full-range array towers, two 
subwoofer towers ond a high-perform- 
ance equalizer, all housed in your choice 
of cabinetry, $45,000, including calibra- 
fioe by Wilson himself. Below: The DMC-10 
is a high-resolution preamplifier with a 24- 
kt.-gold-ploted circuit boord, by Spectral 
Audio, $2795; Lucite cover, $60. Right: 
More power to you in the form of Krell's 
KMA-200 power amp that delivers about 
200 watts per channel, $7000 a pair. Far 
right: A unique ABLT-1 linear-tracking 
tonearm that operates on pressurized air, 
by Dennesen Electrostatics, $1400; it's fit- 
ted with o rare hond-built Kiseki car- 
tridge made of lapis lazuli, from Krell 
Industries, Milford, Connecticut, $3500. 


sure, my trade's kinky. but naked corpses? 
uh-uh, officer, that's too exotic for me 


fiction 


By GEORGE V. HIGGINS 


HE CHIEF SAID that the first mistake was 
letting Rita operate without any inter- 
ference in the Monaco Estates. “I 
* knew it and I said it,” he said mourn- 
fully. “I said we should get a warrant and go 
tear the place apart. Cameras and every- 
thing, go in and grab the broad. Arrest 
whoever's hiring her, tie him up and beat him 
with the chains and whips, and put her out of 
business. Make it clear that we won't stand 
for this. And then I sit here like a twerp and 
let you say we shouldn't. I am losing my 
damned grip. I deserve this crap." 

"Chief," Lieutenant Kiley said, "that's 
what we know now. At the time, though, we 
had no P.C. We could not go in. What do we 
say to a judge— This is probable cause, your 
Honor, "cause we know the дате? a whore’? 
That would not float, Chief, you know. 
Wouldn't float at all. No, I think our 
approach was reasonable." 

"Reasonable," the chief said. “Bullshit, 
reasonable. "Where the hell is Rita?’ I ask, 
and you tell me, ‘She left town.” I know Rita 
didn't do that, damn it, Buster. This one- 
horse place is made for her. She's got no com- 
petition. Hustling the goddamned salesmen 
and the other two-bit clowns that think 


drinking in a bowling alley's the next best 
thing to Vegas. Rita Beauregard, for God's. 
sake, down from the Maritimes 'cause she's 
sick of fishermen, puts her ass out on the 
block here and they think she's Hollywood. 
She makes more in one good night than I do 
in a week, and she does not pay taxes, either, 
and you tell me she left town? *We should find 
out where she is,’ I say, ‘and put her out of 
business.” And, Buster, I am telling you, that's 
what we should've done. Picking up the tran- 
sients that're getting stiff in bars, selling them 
blow jobs and stuff: That we can tolerate. But 
this saddy-mazzy bullshit, with the manacles 
and whips? That is dangerous. 'Some poor 
asshole dies with her and we are in the shit." 
And now, of course, one did, and that's 
exactly where we аге.” 

“Lock, Chief," Kiley said, “this is not that 
type of case. This guy died of natural causes. 
That much we do know. This was not a 
young man, Chief. He was fifty-six. What 
knocked him off was his own ticker, not the 
torturing. Rita said he just came in. Told her 
what he wanted and'd taken his clothes off. 
“He dropped dead on me,’ she said. "This is 
my fault, Buster? Anybody can drop dead 
anyplace he wants. This guy happened to 


ILLUSTRATION BY MEL ODOM 


PLAYBOY 


Pick mine, while he was seeing me. 

“That is what I mean,” the chief said, 
“that that kind of thing can happen. She 
gets some guy in a bar, goes to his room 
with him. He gets all his clothes off and he 
has a heart attack. That's no problem, 
Buster, if it's handled right, you know? 
Rita puts her clothes back on, gives us a 
quick call. We go over, she clears out. 
That’s all there is to it. We know who the 
victim is—motels keep registers. We know 
where the dead guy lives, and so that is no 
problem. He’s where he’s supposed to be, 
even if he’s naked. And his goddamned 
mother, Buster, isn’t waiting for him there. 
Waiting for us cops to come and tell her he 
is dead. So she can have a heart attack and 
really give us trouble.” 

“I know, I know,” Kiley said, looking 
miserable. “But we couldn't've expected 
this, that this kind of thing would happen. 
You got to remember, Chief, this is one 
mean twat. She has got nice hogans there, 
and her ass won't quit. But underneath 
that bleached-blonde hair, there's the 
mind of an assassin. All the time she 
worked the alleys, that was dangerous. 
Some night she may get some guy, isn't 
normal, you know? Thinks he'll get his 
jollies there by beating Rita up. Well, Rita 
was aware of that, and Rita was prepared. 
‘These guys, Buster, I pick up. They could 
be anybody. I go with them, by myself, 
and I don’t have no pimp. They see this, 
the ones with brains, that I am alone. Let 
me tell you this thing, Buster, that I can 
protect myself. No son of a dumb beetch is 
gonna beat your Rita up.’ So, when we 
hear she's setting up, no more hustling, 
I'm sort of relieved, you know? 1 thought 
that was safer.” 

“Uh-huh,” the chief said wearily, “what 
did she have, Buster? Nice little snubby in 
her handbag there, which she had no 
license for? You should’ve grabbed her 
then, Lieutenant, collared her right off. 

itch a year injail, persuade her 


iley said, “I didn’t see it, if 
she had a gun. Maybe it's karate, sorne- 
thing else she knows. l'd've frisked her, 
she'd've sued me. Had me up on charges. 
Maybe when she says ‘I feex him,’ that is 
what she means. She can kill guys with a 
pencil, choke them with her bra.” 

“Yeah,” the chief said. “Well, OK. 
Doesn’t matter now. You did not arrest the 
broad and now this shit has happened. 
Where do we stand with this now?” 

“OK,” the lieutenant said, “this is 
where it is, Medical examiner is going 
down to Hope Memorial. On his way 
there now. Stiff is in the freezer drawer, for 
the formalities. Paramedics tell us it was 
myocardial infarction. Plain old ordinary 
heart attack. Nothing chargeable. 

“To go with the stiff,” he said, “ме have 
got a suit of clothes. This would be the sec- 
ond set, the second suit of clothes. This 
time we are pretty surc, these ones go with 


him. Wallet in the trouser pocket, usual 
1.D.s. They say that his name is Lanza 
and he lives up in Dublin. This would 
be the Dublin that is in New Hampshire 
there. I put Wormser checking with the 
local cops from there. We should know by 
five or so if this is the right guy." 

“I assume,” the chief said sarcastically, 
“you told Wormser, ‘If it is him, try not to 
tell his mother?” 

“Locals will take care of that,” Kiley 
said ruefully. “That is out of our hands 
now, who informs his next of kin.” 

“What about the old broad?” the chief 
said savagely. “What about the one we got 
that we did break the news to? Where is 
she while we sit talking? Having a press 
conference? Or is her real son doing that, 
saying how he'll sue us?” 

“She is in intensive care, over at the 
Spellman," Kiley said efficiently. “Nurse 
on duty there tells me that her attack was 
mild. But, since she is very old, they are 
taking all precautions. Vital signs are sta- 
ble and she's under strong sedation. They 
say if no more attacks come and she 
doesn't have more shocks, she should be as 
good as new within a week or two." 

“That is, I assume,” the chief said, “if 
they can keep Father Lynch away from 
her. Goddamned old tosspot.” 

"Father Lynch is not our problem," 
Kiley said with satisfaction. “I said some- 
thing to the nurse and she laughed at me. 1 
get the impression from her that he might. 
be leaving there. The archdiocese may not 
be pleased when they get their report." 

“That may go for me as well when I get 
our report," the chief said. “That, of 
course, should be quite soon, with the 
reporters calling." 

“Our report is being typed," Kiley said 
uncomfortably. "Do you want me, brief 
you now, so you can start responding?" 

“Yeah,” the chief said, “might as well. 
Wished I got a haircut. How comes it 
never fails when something like this comes 
along, I am always thinking I should get a 
haircut soon? Every time I'm on TV, I 
look like a hippie. You think maybe they're. 
connected—rough stuff and no haircuts? 
If I kept my hair cut short, this crap 
wouldn’t happen?” 

“Could be,” Kiley said, “I guess. Any- 
way, you want it?” The chief nodded. 
“Rita called in,” Kiley said, “sounded 
very upset. Asked for me and got 
Wormser, whom she does not know. 
Wormser isn’t used to her, how she talks 
and all. This could be where this thing 
started to unglue. 

“Rita gets across her meaning, that 
she’s got a dead guy with her. Wormser, 
who does not know her, does not under- 
stand this, Wormser thinks that guys drop 
dead when they are with friends, family 
around them or the people they work with. 
Wormser is a rookie and this is all quite 
new to him. Therefore, he tells Rita, she 
should call an undertaker. 


“This does not please Rita,” Kiley said 
ruefully. “Rita is a businesswoman and 
her work’s brought to her. She has her 
appointments and her afternoon is filled. 
This guy that is dead is just one of several 
clients. She cannot let guys in for her 
unique services if she has got a dead man 
stretched out in the bedroom. Rita’s 
trade's a little kinky, but it's not quite that 
exotic. Corpses with no clothes on do not 
turn her clients on. 

** ‘No, no,’ Rita says, naturally excited, 
‘this man who is dead with me, I do not 
know his name.’ Rita did not go to college, 
but she knows important things. She does 
things to you for money, but she doesn’t 
arrange funerals. She wants Wormser to 
send somebody, take this man away. Oth- 
erwise, she loses business, and she doesn’t 
feature that. 

“Wormser decides this is hopeless. It is 
beyond him. He has got this crazy woman 
yelling at him on the phone, and he does 
not understand more than a third of what 
she’s saying. He dispatches Hall and 
Gleason to investigate.” 

“Hall and Gleason,” the chief said, “of 
course. That would figure. Stupid rookie’s 
got a problem, gets two more to help him." 

“Hall is pretty savvy, Chief,” Kiley 
said. “She is not experienced, but she is 
pretty savvy.” 

“For a housewife, I agree, Hall is pretty 
savvy," the chief said grudgingly. "What 
Га like is savvy cops, but they say times 
are changing." 

“There have been reports of that," 
Kiley said innocendy. "Hall and Gleason 
reach the scene reasonably fast. Wormser 
had the wrong apartment number, 
though, from Rita. There is some confu- 
sion, since she's not on the doorbells. 
Finally, they ascertain the right apartment 
number. Get it from the manager, who 
does not like her much. He tells them he 
doesn't think that she belongs in there. 
“This is a nice place, he says. ‘We have got 
good tenants. New apartment complex 
like this, she's not what we have in mind." 
Rita apparently has lots more visitors than 
he likes, and they seem to come and go 
from her at all hours, day and night. 
Gleason tells him that this one doesn't 
sound like an improvement. He goes with 
them to the door, and there is a big scene. 
Before they can do much to find out what 
Rita’s problem actually is, Hall and 
Gleason have to tell the manager to beat it. 
He can evict her after they have finished. 

"Rita's in her work clothes for this 
whole discussion," Kiley said. “This con- 
sists of leather vest, with nothing under it, 
and a matching leather skirt, which is very 
short. It is also slit up both sides and 
there's nothing under it. Except Rita's 
crotch, of course, and Rita's high black 
boots. Hall says Gleason had some trouble 
concentrating on his work. 

"They get rid of the manager and go 

(continued on page 172) 


“It shouldn’t take a computer to figure out 
that computer widows are horny.” 


87 


COOHIN 


miss march is on her own again, which means 
the competition is outnumbered 


DONNA SMITH sat crackling like a campfire in her boyfriend's Burbank 
living room. In a loping narrative, she was recounting, with almost no 
regrets, the unusual series of events that had brought her to where she 
is now. Often, she exploded. Sparks flying in all directions, she'd leap 
from her chair and take the center of the room as though there was 
just too much to say sitting down. And there was. 

She began with her childhood and her mother's midnight exit from 
Oregon, just ahead of the authorities who wanted to take her six chil- 
dren from her. She fast-forwarded to Washington, where the family 


“I have found that there's some good in everyone. They may not 
act that way, but all people have hearts. And if you're smart, 
you can find a way to get to the heart, no matter whose it is. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY STEVE WAYDA 


settled for a while, and on to Idaho, where at the age of 14, she left home; 
traveling in Wyoming, Alaska, Hawaii and, finally, Japan, sometimes 
working as a cocktail waitress with a fake I.D.; then going success- 
fully into modeling, getting married, getting divorced, moving to Los 
Angeles—which is where we said, “Whoaaa!” 

There were details of interest here—such as how a young American 
girl could make her way in a country where people speak mainly 


Shopping with her sister Natalie (left) in L.A., Donna visits 
trendsetting Laise Adzer, where she's aided by manager Juanilla 
Malerba (below). “You had to take me to a place where I'm going to b 
weak,” scolds Natalie. "Now I'm going to go and blow my whole checi 


A master dribbler with “a serious hook shot,” Donna takes on some of 
the boys at an L.A. playground. It was no contest. Cutting a demo tape 
in North Hollywood's Amigo recording studio (right), Donna tests 
the equipment, and the reserve, of the studio's recording engineers. 


Donna's notion of relaxation belongs on "ABC's. 
Wide World of Sports." She burns sand and rubber 
on a Mexican. beach (above) and navigates a bor- 
rowed catamaran (below), skimming over the waves 
along the Mexican coast. At right, she provides 
a tantalizing early moonrise over Manzanillo. 


Donna had no problems posing for the ғ.лувоу camera. “Tue always been comfortable with my body. Some of my friends expected 


me to be embarrassed, but I said to the photographer, "Why should I be? That's what I'm here for. Take the pictures; let's do it. 


Japanese. “I speak Japanese," Donna said 
simply. Had we known her better at the 
time, we wouldn't have asked such a stu- 
pid question. It’s best to give Donna the 
benefit of any doubt. If you underestimate 
her, her attention drifts. 

“I was interested in the Japanese and 
their culture," she went on, "so I just 
picked it up. After that, I dated a lot of 
Japanese men and ended up married to 
one for a time." 

Although she hasn't been to college, 
Donna handles herself like a Ph.D. Experi- 
ence is a great teacher, and the lady has a 
trigger-quick mind. Fending for herself 
was an carly lesson, and she's honed her 
wit as well as her sensibilities. She's on her 
own again, and enjoying it. 


“I like being independent,” she said. “I 
wouldn't have it any other way, because 
there was a time when I wasn’t. I would 
be living with a man, and he'd say, ‘Well, 
it’s my money. I’m paying the rent.’ I'm 
out in the cold unless I do as he says. For- 
get it! Not happening Not with this 
cookie, anyway.” 

Donna's nothing ifnot candid. She finds 
the straightforward approach is best. 

“I’m really easy to communicate with, 
because I get right to the point. I don't 
play around. I just say it like it is. Pm 
a very (text concluded on page 151) 


Knocking around the world, as Donna 
has done, gives one acute insights into 
human nature. Quoth Chairman Donna, 
"They say there's someone for everyone. 
But that's not always true. Sometimes 
there's nobody for someone, because 
that someone's too much of a jerk!" 


E 
"If a man can just let a woman go and get oul whatever's in her head, do 
her thing, and just let her know, I love you, and I’m here, the woman will re- 


ciprocale if she really cares about him. Everybody needs space, or the thing 
won't work. Being with someone 24 hours a day drives you to hatred." 


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PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES 


А horny young attorney dropped into a singles 
bar on the prowl. The first girl whom he invited 
to his pad responded ruefully that she hadn't yet 
been fitted with her new diaphragm. A second 
confessed that she had broken her contraceptive- 
pill chain. Coming on to a third lovely, the fellow 
asked delicately, “Have you taken pleasure pre- 
cautions, my dear?" 

“Oh, уе: indeed,” the girl 
straighiforwardly. “I have my LU.D. in 

“That's great” reacted the eager legal cag! 
“I knew that if I kept looking, I'd find a loophole. 


eplicd 


Our Unabashed Nation's. Capital Dictiona 
defines political insider as a Congressman gett 
laid. 


How faithful were you to your wife?” Saint Peter 
asked the candidate for admission at the pearly 
gates. 

“One thousand percent!” insisted the man. “I 
never even looked at another woman!" 

“That's remarkable," commented the saint. 
“As a special reward, you're being assigned а 
Jaguar to drive here in heaven 

“And... if I had been unfaithful?” 

“You'd have to use other transportation, 
depending on how much you had cheated.” 

A few days later, Peter chanced on the new 
arrival sitting, sobbing, in his vehicle. “What is 
it?" he inquired. “You've made it to heaven and, 
thanks to your exem ital fidelity, you can 
tool around in this n What's the trouble?” 

“My wife died in the same accident 1 did, 
gulped the sobber, “and I've just seen her. She 
was pedaling a tricycle” 


Whats your denomination?” the skid-row 
rescue-mission clergyman asked the floozy 
“A twenty—hopefully,” she replied 


Boy, was I had!” the girl complained to a sister 
chorine. “The smooth bastard managed to con- 
vince me that the number of his secret Sw 
bank account was tattooed under his foreskin! 


Our Unabashed Dictionary defines tearjerker as 
a sensitive chap who cries while masturbating 


Now thar word has gotten around that Old 
MacDonald recently bought himself an inflat- 
able latex sex object, he’s being referred to as the 
farmer in the doll. 


When 1 got a water bed years ago, I was able to 
get my wile to join mein churning it into a 
torrent," reminisced the drinker, “but th 
gradually subsided to Lake Placid.” 
"You're lucky," responded his bar companion. 
“With my wife, our water bed has always been 
the Dead Sea. 


Our Unabashed Dictionary defines transvestite 
as a gender pretender. 


How come you keep wasting that beer by pour- 
ing some of it in your hand?" one fraternity 
member asked a nerdy brother. 

“T hope to score tonight,” 
I'm getting my date drunk.” 


the reply, “so 


1, could be that you've heard of the pimp who 
refused to let his girls go down on him. He was 
known. of course, as the headless whoresman. 


A petite girl, when begged for some action, 
Told a guy with a nine-mch attraction: 

“U would cause me dismay 

If you went all the way— 
Bul Га settle," she smiled, 


for a fraction." 


What arc the four cycles in the functioning of an 
nal-combustion engine?" the high school 
p-class instructor asked a student 
i n,” answered the lad, “but 
I'm kinda hazy about the others.” 

“The cycles, in order, are intake, compression, 
ignition and exhaust,” reviewed the instructor 
somewhat wearih 

“They're pretty difficult to remember, Mr. 
Rogers,” pursued the dense student. 

“Not if you think of them in terms of 
extracurricular soci like on dates,” 
countered Rogers, with a tight smile. “Then you 
might consider them to be the approximate 
equivalents of sucking, squeezing, banging and 
blowing.” 


Heard a funny one lately? Send it on a post- 
card, please, to Party Jokes Editor, т 
Playboy Bldg, 919 N Michigan Ave., Chicago, 
Ш. 60611. “$50 will be paid to the contributor 
whose card is selected. Jokes cannot be returned. 


“Of course, it may be one of those sting operalions!” 


103 


ILLUSTRATION BY OUVIA DE BERARDINIS 


TYPE 
DIRTY 
TO ME 


sex and computers 
were made for each 
other—after all, 
didn’t eve offer 
adam an apple? 


article By ROBERT E. CARA aaron had a nag- 


ging urge to be a part of the personal-computer frenzy. It 
was springtime in the computer age and free enterprise was 
in bloom. Each day, it seemed, a newer, faster, more power- 
ful, more up-to-date computer would come onto the market. 
Or go off the market. For a dedicated consumer like Aaron, 
these were times that made your palms sweat. He longed to 
plunge into the fray. 

Every day, his former friends would regale him with sto- 
ries of new wonders they had performed on their magic 
machines the night before. Then they would go stand in 
groups and talk in acronyms to other people with magic 
machines. If the tales told in these sessions were true, there 
were novels in progress, screenplays being mapped out, 
data being processed, important things being input and 
equally important things being output. 

But Aaron was a practical man. Did he need this? After 


all, his best attempt at a novel had run into plot trouble in 
the third paragraph, and his idea for a screenplay had, of 
course, been stolen by George Lucas and corrupted into 
Raiders of the Lost Ark. He was also blessed with surpris- 
ingly little data. He did have a few record albums, but they 
were mostly rock and, by nature, defied categorization. 

“If only І had more data, I could make this pay off,” 
Aaron told himself. He just couldn't justify going out and 
plunking down the equivalent of two Kawasakis (or a 
Honda Civic or a month in Tahiti or a neighbor-killer 
stereo) for the privilege of owning something he didn't 
know how to operate and that, if he did, would no doubt 
wither from his paucity of data. 

“Show me one practical use for the thing and Ull buy it,” 
he shouted to his former buddies, who simply shook their 
heads and remarked how much fun Aaron used to be. 

“Psst! Ya gota minute?” beckoned (continued on page 174) 


20 QUESTIONS: BOB GIRALDI 


the pop of some classic pop culture 
on his lite beer ads, the “beat it” video and that sizzling pepsi spot 


B? Giraldi may be the busiest film maker 
in America. He's considered the Cecil B. 
De Mille of music videos, the Steven 
Spielberg of television commercials. Having 
worked with Michael Jackson on the nou- 
classic, award-winning "Beat It" video, he is 
credited with setting the standard for that 
medium. Consequently, such heavyweights as 
Paul McCartney, Lionel Richie, Diana Ross, 
Kenny Rogers and Pat Benatar have sought 
him out for their own videos. As for TV com- 
mercials, Giraldi could easily be the highest- 
paid director in the business, if not the most 
visible. In addition to making the infamous 
Pepsi spot in which Jackson’s hair caught fire, 
he has directed the majority of the hilarious 
Lite Beer All-Star ads for Miller, a campaign 
that has been recognized as the most success- 
ful in history. Bill Zehme caught up with 
Giraldi in New York. He reports: “I asked 
Giraldi if he'd like to take the Pepsi Chal- 
lenge. He said he'd rather not, though he 
swears he'd pass—he just hates that ad cam- 
paign. During our conversations, he drank 
ice water, took a call from Olivia Newton- 
John, looked at rushes of a Jernaine Jackson 
video and made fun of dancing lesbians.” 


1. 


PLAYBOY: Do real men watch rock videos? 
GIRALDI: Interesting. The other night, I 
was sitting in my apartment in Los 
Angeles with three friends, all guys, all 
real men. We were each on our tenth glass 
of wine, watching MTV. We were heckling 
the screen, saying, “What the hell is this 
shit?” But we found ourselves waiting for 
the next one, glued with a sort of excited 
expectation. One guy had an appoint- 
ment, but it took him an hour and a half to 
drag himself away from the television set. 
Another guy was like a kid who memorizes 
batting averages; he knew the names of 
every one of those fucking groups: Crush, 
Fear, Up Your Nose, The Talking Glasses, 
The Ashtrays. The whole thing was like 
watching sports. I had never found myself 
doing that before, but I was with guys. 
Now, maybe truck drivers and macho mus- 
cle men get uptight seeing sissies dancing 
and prancing around in videos. But my 
feeling is that 90 percent of that popula- 
tion are flaming faggots, anyway. 

2. 
PLAYBOY: Settle a raging debate for us. Are 
videos advertising or art? 
GIRALDI; Í say art. Cynical businessmen 
and record executives call me naive, But I 
know advertising and have been in that 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY MOSHE BRAKHA. 


business all my life. Videos are, perhaps, a 
promotional tool to bring the music indus- 
try back to life. But are they ads? They 
may help sell records, but so does the 
weather. Videos don’t sell songs the way 
Bubba Smith sells Lite Beer for Miller. 
There’s no pitch involved. When you see a 
great video, you're more interested in 
watching, hearing and feeling it than you 
are in running out to buy the record. Vid- 
eos are created through inspiration, much 
like paintings or movies. That goes for the 
very best videos, anyway. The majority of 
them are just boring and repetitive. Those 
are the ones that are most like advertising, 
simply because they all look the same. I’ve 
had enough ofselling. When 1 feel the urge 
to sell, I make a Pepsi-Cola commercial. 


3. 


PLAYBOY: What is MTV’s most unforgiva- 
ble sin? 

GIRALDI: Saturation. Nobody could have 
predicted this video craze, but we owe it to 
ourselves to be careful. Videos may wear 
out their welcome. I like MTV and believe 
it’s the single most responsible entity 
behind the boom in the music industry. 
But even my 17-year-old daughter, Maria, 
tells me she can’t watch a steady diet of 
MTV anymore, whereas she enjoys shows 
like NBC’s Friday Night Videos and New 
York Hot Tracks. For me, it’s like football, 
in the sense that at the end of every single 
winter season, there’s been too much. 


4. 


PLAYBOY: Where would you rather watch 
MTV? 

GIRALDI: Thirty-five thousand feet above 
the ground, in an airplane. That would 
be a smart place to pipe in a channel. 
You're a captive audience up there. When 
you’re bored on one of those six- or eight- 
hour flights to Europe or California, you 
might like some jive to break things up. 
You know, the plane would rock a little bit 
in the sky. The worst place to watch itis in 
bed, making love. The beat is so varied, 
you might lose your place 


5- 


PLAYBOY: A number of big-name acts—Joe 
Jackson, for one—have denounced videos 
for robbing people of their right to visual- 
ize music for themselves. How valid is that 
argument? 

omaro: Not valid at all. Joe Jackson 
thinks videos suck for several reasons. 
However, he has also said that if he could 


dance like Michael Jackson, he might not 
mind doing videos. What he’s saying, in 
his heart, is he feels he may not be a con- 
summate performer. I disagree. I'd love to 
make a video with Joe Jackson, because 
Га make him as hot as a firecracker on- 
screen. Moreover, he underestimates the 
power of music. 

Example: Lionel Richie's classic love 
song Hello. We made a video in which 
Lionel is a teacher to a blind girl who's in 
love with him. She sculpts an identical 
likeness of his face in clay. Admittedly, 
the video is somewhat contrived—pur- 
posefully, in fact—but it's a nice visual 
love experience. It's my personal concept 
of the song. When I told Lionel about it at 
dinner one night, he damn near cried. He 
said it had nothing to do with the song, but 
he loved it. When you hear that song on 
your car radio, I guarantee that you will 
not think about the vidco. If we're as 
romantic a people as I think we are, songs 
will never leave our imaginations. Musicis 
stronger than that. 


6. 


PLAYBOY: Now that Michael Jackson's Beat 
Tt has become the video classic, can you re- 
veal the seamy underbelly of its creation? 
GIRALDI: Beat [t is a study in timing. Young 
people in America were ready to see videos 
that were more professional, more story- 
oriented, more emotional. They were 
rcady to see a star actually perform. Inter- 
estingly enough, if Beat It premiered 
tomorrow, it wouldn't be the phenomenon 
it was then, even though it will always bea 
fine video. 

The real scoop on Beat It, if anyone 
cares, is that Michael and I wanted to doa 
street interpretation from the start. Other 
interpretations have been mentioned by 
sicker minds. But that's what the song is 
about: turning your cheek to the dangers 
and the silliness of young street violence. 
Michael suggested that we use real Los 
Angeles gang members and break dancers. 
I took the idea on vacation to Santo 
Domingo with my wife and daughter. For 
the entire week, I sat on the beach, playing 
Beal It, and wrote a scenario based on 
experiences I had growing up in Paterson, 
New Jersey. It was chic to be tough. I 
hated that, obviously because I wasn't 
tough. To this day, I have no tolerance for 
bullies. I go right after them on the sets. 

That knife-fight sequence comes from a 
story a Puerto Rican guy in the Bronx told 
me 20 years (continued on page 153) 


108 


there has always 

been plenty of comic 

carnality— you just 
have to know 
where to look 


WEIRE JUST 

MN STARS! | UNPACKIN A 
WHATS 
KEEPING 
vou Two 
so LONG? 


Moan's 1930 pursuit af carny dancer 
Little Egypt (named far her pyramids?) 
was gripping to fans af the early strips. 


LOIS LANE AND LANA LANG weren't cuties for nothing. Was there ever a red-blooded boy who 
didn't imagine Lois stripped of her color-dot jump suit, ready for a nude embrace with 
Superman—or, better yet, Mr. Mxyzptlk? (Let's leave the Bizarros out of this.) Well, we 
weren't just little perverts projecting our fantasies onto the page. Maurice Horn's new book 
Sex in the Comics proves that sex was there all along— put there by graphic artists who knew 
what made our little hearts go pitapat. Lois and Lana were cuties for us! 

The open depiction ofsexin the comics is something new, buta subversive thread runs all 
the way back to the turn ofthe century. Buster Brown displayed his easy cool with all the girls. 
Happy Hooligan was a clown at everything but his dauntless pursuit of Suzanne. The closet 
door opened a little more around 1907, with the establishment of the daily strip. Mutt and 


YOU WORM- YOU 
Never LOOK ar 
ME LIKE THAT 


LATE THAT NIGHT, AS 
! FLASH TOSSES IN 
> TROUBLED SLUMBER,THE 
WITCH QUEEN TEACHES 
DALE---OBEDIENCE/ 


NEXT WEEK: “WAR IN THE CAVES”) 


Flash Gordon, by Alex Raymond: Probably the sexiest of all the adventure strips of the Thirties, Flosh Gordon draped its female characters in flimsy 
wisps that nibbled at the limits of censorship. Here, from 1935, the Ісусі and lovely Dale Arden learns that being the hero's ladyfriend can whip o girl 
right into shape. The witch queen Azura has fogged Flosh's mind, you see, preparatory ta a little B&O. Don't worry, though. Next week's coming. 


THE THOROUGHLY. 


Wonder Women, by Charles Moultan (William Moulton Marston) and H. G. Peters: 
Marston, a psycholagist, created Wonder Woman (above, in a 1945 adventure) as on 
affirmative-oction praject—with oll thase hunks around, little girls needed somebody to look 
up to. They found her in W.W. Even when Steve was superstrong, there wos na doubting 
wha'd соте aut an tap. Flash Gordon, by Alex Raymond: Looks like mare trouble far Flash in 
1940— meonie Ming sets a trap with the unlucky winner of a Dale-look-alike contest (right). 


The Phontom, by Lee Falk and Ray Moore: Eraticism figured in many of the Thirties strips—with 
The Phantom, you could call it anonymous sex. This is from a 1936 opus, “The Singh Pirates.” 
Brainy Diana hos faund an ambergris deposit in the South Seas; the vicious Prince Achmed is hald- 
ing her assistant, Dr. Owens, until she reveals its location. Perfume was expensive even then. 


‚YOU CAN T, ALONE / 
YOU'RE TOO WEAK 4 
FROM THAT WOUNO/ | 

I WON'T LEAVE YOU, 


Supermon, by Jerry Siegel ond Joe Shu- 


ster: The greatest of all action heroes final- 
ly mode it with Lois Lane—in о movie. 


110 


Verse Jas 
|} Sao an sorae 
HUFF, = 


Elder: The second greatest cf all actian heroes is like 
Little Orphan Annie, plus eyes and genuine breasts. 


Jeff, Jiggs and Moon Mullins were always 
ready with an ogle and a leer, though 
more—much more—was implied. 

Then came the action strip. Artists 
discovered that couples could fight for 
freedom and justice. Readers discovered 
that action, especially violent action, 
could be an aphrodisiac. The early car- 
toonists eschewed titillation and ass, but 
their images of men and women in close 
embrace, facing unspeakable evil, spoke 
for themselves. By the late Thirties, 
erotic imagery was a staple of the adven- 
ture strips—Flash Gordon is remem- 
bered as much for his flights into Eros 
(later transposed into the explicit film 
Flesh Gordon) as for his flights of fancy. 

As the Thirties became the Forties and 
mainstream comics warmed up slowly, a 
host of anonymous artists began spoofing 
sex in the most blatant comics of all— 
the black-and-whites. Dubbed eight-pag- 
ers or Tijuana Bibles, the black-and- 
whites were 4” x 6" booklets that wasted 
no time in telling their tales. Their plots 
invariably dealt with the frantic rutting 
of public figures and famous comic-strip 
characters. Such virile heroes as Gordon 
and Tailspin Tommy, as well as meek lit- 
tle wimps like Pete the Tramp, spun their 
tails with such immaculate heroines as 
Dale Arden and Little Orphan Annie 
(“Leapin” lizards, Flash”). The eight- 
pagers’ raunchy humor evolved into the 
“underground comix” of the Sixties. The 
Pope of the underground movement, 
Robert Crumb, presided over a grubby 


Fritz the Cat, by Robert Crumb: in the early 
Sixties, the undergraund comix demolished 
every tabao they cauld turn up. Crumb was 
the guru of the undergraund wave; his freaky 
tableaux left no staned phrase unturned. And 
Fritz, of course, went an to movie stordom. 


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Major Fatal, by Moebius: Not a new hospital show, Major Fatal is just one of Ihe sleek, explicit strips by Jean Giraud, whose pen-and-ink nome is 
Moebius. Sex is usually peripherol in Moebius’ work, a diversion from the business ot hond. The major's lost lines in this 1978 panel mean, “Pete? This 
is Fy! The lob just told me the body of the girl wos only a double android.” Our French-specking sources soy “Rraca” translotes loosely as “Yum.” 


The Horny Goof, by Moebius: Jeon Giraud strikes agoin oround 
1980 with a purely sexual tole of stardust mammories (below). 
Great Dame Kowalsky, the Space Slut, prepares a reception for 
the titular Horny Goof, a tit man from a galaxy far, far awoy. His 
reputation for sexual prowess—let olone goofiness—hos 
reached the ends of the universe. Now it’s about 10 reach hers. 


Lenore Goldberg and Her Girl Commandos, by Robert 
Crumb: Here's Crumb at his Crumbiest (right) —o few panels from 
his Sixties masterwork of the sexual revolution. Crumb's support- 
ing charocters hod such names os Angelfood and Dicknose, like 
Dick Tracy's faes, but that was about all they had in common with 
their ancestors. Almost everything in the undergrounds come 
down to sex, from class struggle to the virtues of taking turns. 


"HIGHT WE FIND LENORE IN. 


Mutant World, by Jon Strnad and Richard Corben: Corben, the artist, is опе man who believes sex mokes the world go round—whotever world you 
have in mind. Mutont World is a charming ploce where a six-yeor-old mutant named Dimento can have o satisfying relationship with a clone named 


Julie. Here's a line from the next 1983 panel, not seen here: “But tell me, professor . . . 


if he's just a kid now, what will he be like when he's 20?" 


111 


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ER E S 28 


Smilin’ Jack parody, anonymous: A prime example of the Thirties’ eight-page 
comics, this take-off of a popular strip stripped its wholesome choracters of oll 
pretensions, making Mary and Jock charter members of the Mile High Club. 


La Nouvelle Venus, by Paul Gillon: Our shapely heroine, just bock from saving 
the goloxy, enjoys alittle R&R in 1983 with her dream lover—a virile, very single- 
minded guy she’s made with a contraption called the cosmic transmitter. 


revolution. In mock contrition, Crumb often 
signed his more outrageous pages R. Scum, 
Crumbum or El Crummo 

Magazines such as PLAYBOY soon devel- 
oped their own, slicker versions of adult 
comics, of which Little Annie Fanny is only 
the first and most celebrated. Today, in 
terms of their sexual content, comics have 
almost caught up with the rest of our media. 
Somebody tell Lois—making it with Super- 
man in the movies doesn’t count. 


Lanna 
CESARS PILLOWED PASSION PIT ROCKS AS LANN PLEASURES А BOOZED DRUG TRANSFER AGENT. 


Aurelia, by Dony: As Dony, 
Daniel Henrotin managed colorful, 

б TWENTY- 
explosive encounters even withaut FIVE Yer. / 
using color. The flashy montage 
from the Seventies below stars 
Henrotin's beauty Aurelio, o force- 
ful damsel who doesn't mind being 
avertaken by a handsome stud of 
indeterminate nationality. Dany's 
use of crosscutting imogery mode 
Aurelia an active comic stripper. 


Eo 
SEEN 


ENOUGH TO 
BE MY KID: 


Lann, by Frank Tharne: Lonn is the latest in Tharne’s line of Amazon warriors, which includes 
Conon's fave, Red Sonja, os well as Ghita of Alizarr. Our own Moonshine McJugs is no warrior, 
but she, too, wos born on Tharne's sketch pod. Here, in a 1984 strip, we find Lonn infiltrating 
оп enemy stronghald. In the next panel, she'll divert the doper with “a burst of sexual virtuosity.” 


*HE WAS EVERYTHING I 
ADMIRED ANO WANTED: 
DRIVE, AMBION... AND A 
CERTAIN CATCHY CHARA. 


"IT BECAME 
MORE ТНА! 


*_ BUT ALAINE RENTED Š 
A MOUNTAIN CAB 
WHERE WE ESCAPED, 
THE ACADEMY REGS. 
— 
THE POETS COLLO NEVER. 
HAVE CREATED A MORE 
WYLLIC SET-UP 


WE'D KNOWN 
THE SAME WAY TOO. 


*-- UNTIL THE HASSLES CAME. 
EACH OTHER IN 


Stephanie Starr, by Mike Friedrich and Dick Giordano: Longtime superhero practitioners 
Friedrich and Giordano can do more than yaur basic capes and doomsday weapans—sometimes 
they settle back for a casual round of sex and vialins. In this 1983 R-rated version of the traditional 
romance comic, the hera ond heroine get to relox with the lights on. Why did this take 85 yeors? 


114 


THE MIDNIGHT SNACK is as much a part of 
American folklore as Paul Bunyan, Wyatt 
Earp, Annie Oakley and the Battle of 
Bunker Hill. Yet, for some reason, this 
innocent indulgence has often been linked 
with a guilt trip. Remember the movies, 
TV sitcoms and comic strips in which a 
hulk somewhat larger than Mr. T 
nabbed in the act of sneaking forbidden 
rations from a bulging refrigerator? 
Shame! Shame! We say the hell with old 
hang-ups and Puritanical inhibitions. Up 
the midnight snack! The best midnight 
munch is a turkey sandwich—after the 
Thanksgiving guests have gone and it's 
just the two of you again in the blessed 
quiet. Halve a couple of crusty rolls; 
slather one side with Thousand Island 
dressing, the other with pan juices or 
gravy. Now heap on the white meat, dark 
meat and turkey dressing—the right 
amount is just a little too much. If you 
like, add a layer of thinly sliced onion and 
a dish of ripe olives or gherkins. 


a host of noshes for those whee small hours 


food 
Py Emanud Gremboy 


Well, that takes care of Thanksgiving 
Day—but what about the 364 others? No 
problem—soul food of the midnight hours 
should be simple, something you can 
throw together quickly and easily. It 
should also be savory and substantial, to 
succor appetites honed by a night of frol- 
icking or a chukker of mattress polo. 
Comestibles favored for after-hours chomp- 
ing include eggs, cheese, tuna, smoked fish 
and sandwiches, all prepared with unu- 
sual style and panache. Consider the mun- 
dane egg, for example: It can be paired 
with smoked salmon in a luxurious eggs 
Romanoff or with Mexican salsa for a pep- 
pery huevos revueltos. Cheese needn't 
always be sandwiched or flanked with 
fruit. The right fromage, handled know- 
ingly, can transform an ordinary pasta 
sauce into haule cuisine. Imported tuna 
puts the gourmet stamp on a light but sat- 
isfying salad plate. Plain old pita bread is 
the ideal foundation for a superpizza if you 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY DAVID MECEY 


get a late-night yen, when the neighbor- 
hood pizzeria is shut. And if you’re still 
hooked on mile-high Dagwood sand- 
wiches, try a croque-monsieur for a sophis- 
ticated change of taste. 

There are times, however, when circum- 
stances dictate a sensuous approach to 
midnight nibbling. And frankly, at those 
moments, there's only one acceptable 
offering for an intimate snack à deux—a 
rich, luscious, drop-dead dessert. Choco- 
late in any form does it for a lot of people. 
Others respond to exquisite gelati or exotic 
fruit tarts. But for utter rapture, it’s hard 
to beat a medley of outsized strawberries 
at their peak of perfumy ripeness, anointed 
with the aromatic magic of kirsch or 
Cointreau and smothered in créme fraiche. 
When you share this culinary treasure with 
your partner in pleasure, the results will, 
indeed, be magical 

Obviously, possibilities for nocturnal 
noshing abound— but one thing is a must. 
There's no (continued on page 187) 


Тие LONELY 
SiWef RAIN 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD (ZU! 


JOAN D MACDONALD 


someone is littering travis mc gee's 
life with pipe-cleaner cats— 
and he wants to find out why 


N FRIDAY, the first day of February, it took a 

long time to get out of bed. I checked the 

morning and found we had gone back to 

chill, so I put on an old sky-blue-wool shirt, 

stretch denims, wool socks and the gray 
running shoes. I looked at myselfin the mirror and said 
aloud, “Tell me the truth, old buddy. Are you getting 
old? Have you lost a lot more than a half step getting to 
second?” 

When I stepped out onto the fantail, I found a stick 
figure of a cat made of old pipe cleaners on the mat look- 
ing up at me. Ifit was a message, the meaning eluded 
me. I picked it up to flip it into the trash tin, then 
changed my mind and brought it in and put the caton a 
shelf with a raised lip near my bed. Someone was trying 
to tell me something, but the message wasn’t clear. 

I went to the hotel alone, and for breakfast I had USA 
Today, double fresh orange juice, three eggs scrambled 
with cheese and onion, crisp bacon, home fries, whole- 
wheat toast and two pots of coflee. 

When I went back aboard my home, I went up onto 
the sun deck and came upon another cat, a purple one, 
staring at me from the flat place atop the instrument 
panel. I sat in the pilot seat, the cool wind on my face, 
and looked at the fool thing. Somebody was going 
to elaborate trouble to have a tiny bit of fun. If they 
were sending a message, they had forgotten to include 
the code. Maybe somewhere in che world there was 
some other Travis McGee who'd find the pipe-cleaner 
cats comprchensible and hilarious. 

On Saturday morning, when I approached my blue 
truck at nine to head for Miami, I found a brown pipe- 
cleaner cat on the windshield, (continued on page 130) 


n7 


four overwhelming playmates of the year prove that less is more 


——— м. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY 
STAN MALINOWSKI 


THE worD lingerie is 
derived from the Lat- 
in inum, linen. Pretty 
prosaic. The words 
Playmate of the Year date 
back to 1960, when Ellen 
Stratton became the first 
to win that appellation. 
Pretty straightforward. 
Put the terms together, 
though, and you've got 
Playmates of the Year in 
lingeric—a phrase that's 
worth studying in depth. 
Playmates of the Year 
Barbara Edwards (1984), 
Marianne Gravatte (1983), 
Shannon Tweed (1982) 
and Monique St. Pierre 
(1979) are dazzling on 
the street, of course. In 
intimate surroundings, 
they've been known to 
cause temporary blind- 
ness. You definitely 
won't be underwhelmed 


After work, Barbara Ed- 
words sunset strips (far left) 
in end out of a Prima Eclat 
underwire bra, garter belt 
end G string, $120, from 
M. A. Rabinowitz, New 
York. Left: Barbara feels 
uplifted by a $175 silk- 
chiffon camisale/bikini from 
Frances Smily, Clio Designs. 


+ 


E 


Yon cassis—that's the color of Marianne Gravatte's silk-charmeuse robe at left—has a lean-and-hungry look, ideal for a night of purple pas- 
sion. Her cassis bandeau bro and lacy-front bikini complete Morianne's royal regalia. A gift that keeps on giving, the entire outfit can be yours 
for just $380, from Donno Giambrone at Le Boudoir Giambrone, New York. Above, we find Newfoundlond's favorite daughter, Shannon Tweed, get- 


fing o leg up on lote-evening dress in on ivory-coshmere tuxedo coat with satin collar ond motching ivory-silk-charmeuse garter belt. Loré of Los 
Angeles sells the coot for $575, while the gorter belt's o steol ot just $42. You're no! willing to fly to L.A. for them? Then just call 1-800-992-SILK. 


121 


122 


Marionne's reor view (above) always provides scenic curves—all the more so when she's dressed in Donna Giambrone's silk high-cut French undie 
trimmed in lace, plus a matching silk-charmeuse camisole. The undie ond the camisole sell for $68 each. Loré suggests that you “indulge your utmost 
fantasy of opulence in this amazing silk-charmeuse cocoon, flowing with double marabou right to its extravagant train” (right). Actually, you 
might loak funny in it, but your girlfriend wouldn't. Shannon certainly looks pretty opulent. The bustier camisole itself is $95; the rase-colored 
cocoonis $575. Vocabulary lesson—a comisale is a short negligee; charmeuse is a satin finish; marabou is feathery stuff; and the cacoon's a robe. 


There's a Wild One in every crowd. In this case, it’s Marianne, all leathered up 
end ready ta paint the town black. Hipsters, take heart—her high-cut lace 
“hipster” with detachable garters, by Dolores for Poirette, is а bargain at $18. 


Does your fantosy combine sensuousness 
and innocence? Then ignore Borbora Ed- 
words on the facing page; in an exquisite. 
peignoir from Loré, banded with ontique 
cocoa lace, $625, she's totally sensvous. 
At right, Shonnon Tweed models Donno 
Giombrone's silk-chiffon tap pants in 
white with a flocked lurex design, $B2. 


Above: Say hello to minimalist fashion we 
соп all offord. For only $34, you can outfit 
your favorite lody in ostrapless stretch-lace 
teddy and fingerless oll-lace gloves, from 
Early Gilbert of Son Froncisco. From Santo 
'Monica's Jonquil comes Shannon's black- 
and-stone-checkered mon-tailored silk 
robe, with shorts to motch (right), $295. 


A priceless Monique on a pricy antique—Monique St. Pierre (obove) models o silk-charmeuse French undie in turquoise, trimmed in block embroi- 
dered loce, which Denno Giambrone will let you have for $68. The chair, sod to say, is not for sale. We're waiting for Louis the Something to 
соте back ond cloim it. On the focing page, it’s Borbora ogein, offering o clinic in demure seduction. Her blozing silk-charmeuse peignoir, with 
loyers of silk-organzo ruffles unfolding to the weist, is o $465 creotion by Loré. Soshed ot the top, it's guoronteed to keep the home fires burn- 
ing. Now we've come to the end cf our study in scorlet, black ond chormeuse. There'll be no quiz —we assume you've been paying ottention. 


LOCATION: SCHIVARELLI MANSION. 


PLAYBOY 


LONELY SILVER RAIN continued fron page 117) 


“Pue been planning this for three years. I wanted to 


make you feel so guilty yowd kill yourself. 


ووو 


with one paw under the wiper so it could 
stare in at me. I put it in the ashtr: 

I got home to find, in the last light of 
day, an orange cat on the mat. And so, 
with a pattern roughly predictable, I made 
preparations for bed, cut all the lights, put 
on dark slacks and turtleneck, cased out 
the forward hatch, crept around the side 
deck and settled down in the deep shad- 
ows, my back against the bulkhead, a 
navy-blue blanket over me. 

Tipsy boatmen went past, guflawing 
their way back to their floating nightcaps. 

“Let Marie take the wheel and she had 
it hard aground in ten minutes.” 

“You remember Charley. He found 
three bales of it floating off Naples and he 
got them aboard. Took it home and dried 
it out and he's got enough there to keep the 
whole yacht club airborne until the year 
Two Thousand.” 

"Should have had it surveyed, damn it. 
Dry rot down all one side of the transom.” 

And some harmony, ending when some- 
body used a bullhorn to tell them to knock 
it off, people were sleeping. 

Slow hours. And then a swiftness of 
slender femininity, half seen in the glow 
from the distant dock lights. Creak of my 
small gangplank. She had learned not to 
step on the mat. She knelt, hair adangle, 
leaned far forward to put the pipe-cleaner 
cat on the door-side edge of the mat. I 
gathered myself. Lunged and snapped my 
hand down onto slender wrist. Yelp of 
fright and dismay. Then some real trouble 
when I dragged her aboard. Impression of 
tallncss, She was all hard knees, elbows, 
fists. She butted and kicked and thrashed 
and almost got away once, until finally I 
caught her hand in a come-along grip, her 
hand bent down under, her elbow snug 
against my biceps. 

“Ow!” she yelled. “Hey, ow! You're 
breaking it.” 

“Shut up or I will.” 

It settled her down. She made whimper- 
ing sounds, but she had become docile 
enough for me to fish out my keys and 
unlock the door and escort her into the 
lounge, turning on the lights as we entered. 
I shoved her into the middle of the lounge 
and she spun around, glaring at me, mas- 
saging her wrist. Just a kid, 16 or 17. A 
reddish-blonde kid, red with new burn 
over old tan, a kid wearing a short-sleeved 
white-cotton turtleneck and one of those 
skirts, in pink, that are cut like long shorts, 
surely the ugliest garment womankind has 
ever chosen to wear. But if anybody could 
ever look good in them, this one could. 


‘Tall girl. Good bones. 


“You're brutal. You know that? Really 
brutal!” 

“OK,” I said wearily. “Im brutal. 
What's all this with the cats, kid?" 

In response, I got a wide, humorless 
grin. “Got to you, huh?” 

“It has begun to annoy me. Puzzle me. 
"That's all.” 

She stared at me. 
You're not having me on?” 

“Kid, when somebody starts invading 
my privacy with pipe-cleaner cats, I would 
like to know what's going on. "That's all.” 

She stared at me. “My God, you’re even 
more opaque than I thought. You’re an 


“You're serious? 


“OK. The animal is asking you to sit 
down and the animal will buy you a Coke. 
Maybe you can stop emoting and make 
sense. What are you kids taking lately? It 
has warped your little head.” 

She hesitated and then sat on the edge of 
the yellow couch. “Thank you, I don’t 
want a Coke. And I don’t take anything. 
Aside from getting a little woozy on winc a 
couple of times. You sit down, too. Are you 
ready for a name?” 

“I'm Travis McGee.” 

“1 know that! Oh, don’t 1 know that. Гуе 
made a study of your life and times, Mr. 
McGee. I can't think of anything more 
pathetic than an aging boat bum—beach 
bum—who won’t or can’t admit it or face 
it. You are a figure of fun, Mr. McGee. 
Your dear friends around here are misfits 
or burnouts, and I don't think there's one 
of them who gives a damn about you. 
You're a womanizer, and you make a li 
ing off squalid little adventures of one kind 
or another. You have that dumb-looking 
truck and this dumb-looking houseboat 
and nobody who cares if you live or dic.” 

“Kid, you've got a good delivery and a 
pretty fair vocabulary.” 

“Stop patronizing me!” 

“Whats with the multicolored cats, 
kid?” 

“My name is Jean Killian.” It was 
almost shouted, like some kind of war cry. 

And then I knew why she had reminded 
me of someone. 1 felt the tears behind my 
eyes. I got up and walked toward her and 
she got up, tall, to face me. In a rusty, 
shaky old voice, I said, "You're her kid 
sister." 

Eyes so pale in her sun-dark face that 
they looked like the silver of old rare coins 
stared into mine. The strength of her emo- 
tions had narrowed her eyes. I could not 
remember anyone ever looking at me with 
such venomous concentration. "here was 
hate in there. Contempt. But she spoke 


softly. “No, you stupid jerk. Pm Puss’s 
daughter. And, God help me, I'm your 
bastard child. Look at me! People around 
here have asked me if I'm related to you. 
"To him?” I said. ‘Hell, no" ” 

I really looked at her. The shoulders 
and the long arms. The level mouth, the 
shape of the jaw, the high checkbones, the 
texture of the hair, with my coarseness and 
Puss’s auburn. 

"That's . . 
about?” 

“If you had any kind of conscience at 
all, Father dear, it would have hit you. 
Puss. Pussycat. But she didn't even mean 
enough to you so you'd get the connec- 
tion.” She sat down again and put her 
hands over her face. “A rotten, pointless 
idea.” 

“Why should I have a bad conscience 
about Puss?” 

“Perhaps for men like you it is standard 
procedure. But I think it is cruel and 
wicked for a man to live with a woman 
and then, when she becomes ill and preg- 
nant, kick her off his dumb houseboat and 
look for a new lady.” 
uss told you that?” 

“My mother lived just long enough to 
have me, and she died the day afterward. 
Her sister brought me up. Her sister, my 
aunt Velma, told me all about you and 
where and how you live, and I've been 
planning this for three years. I wanted to 
make you feel so guilty you'd kill yourself. 
But you d-didn’t even know what the 
cats meant. 
low old are you?” 

“Seventeen in April. What's that got to 
do with anything?” 

I moved over to the chair by the built-in 
desk, put my foot up on it, rested my fore- 
arms on my knee and studied her. She sat 
on the yellow couch, out on the edge of it, 
fists clenched, returning my inspection, 
meeting my gaze, showing me her con- 
tempt, her hate. 

“I had the feeling there was something 
wrong with Puss. But I never realized she 
was sick,” 

“Or pregnant. Sure. You just never 
realized.” 

“Do you want me to try to tell you a lit- 
tle bit about this, kid, or do you want to 
step on everything I say?” 

“There's nothing you can say.” 

“Ро you want to know how I met her?" 

“Not particularly, Mr. McGee.” 

I sighed. “Kid, I just wish you- 

“Stop calling me kid!” 

“OK. Jean, then. I was running on the 
beach one morning. Puss had stepped on a 
sea urchin in shallow water. She came 
hobbling and hopping ashore, in obvious 
trouble. OK, so I got the spines out and 
brought her over here and got her heel 
fixed up. She was. . . a lot of fun.” 

“Lots of fun, huh? A great sport, huh?" 

“Merry is the word. A big redhead who 

(continued on page 182) 


- what the cats were all 


блаце 
eports 


a timely accounting of timeless principles of personal fmance 


arlicle 


By ANDREW TOBIAS 


DOLLARS IN THE SKY 


when you turn your frequent-flier miles into tickets or cash, 
are you gelting your two cents’ worth? 


HE PL AT shimmering on the runway. Or 
the runway sat shimmering on the plane. Or 
perhaps the plane, an American Airlines 
DC-10, was the first of the vertical-take-ofl- 
and-landing jumbos—a jet that would sim- 
ply rise into the sky without a runway. 

Something must have been special about the plane, 
because it was packed to overflowing with passengers pay- 
ing the $336 one-way coach fare from New York to Dallas, 
while not 200 yards away sat a half-empty Braniff 727 
offering the same trip for $109. 

In truth, not everyone on the American jet was paying 
the $336 one-way coach fare. I, for one, had a $249 ticket 
($498 round trip). By buying the ticket weeks earlier and 
sticking to my travel plan, I had been able to nab the bar- 
gain fare. 

Sure, that bargain fare was more than double Braniff's 
step-right-up, no-restrictions fare, but not everything is a 
simple matter of money. 

For one thing, the American flight was scheduled to 
depart ten minutes ahead of Braniff's. Other things being 
equal, it would likely arrive ten minutes ahead, too, and 
time is money. 

For another, wide-body aircraft are generally more 
comfortable than 7275. But not this time. When I checked 
in at the Admiral’s Club—90 minutes early—I was told 
that the flight was almost fully booked, with only center 
seats available. Could I use one of my gold upgrades, 
I asked, to sneak into first class? (Yes, the kid's not 
just an American AAdvantage traveler, he's AAdvantage 
Gold! AAnd a stockholder!) Not a chance. 

What's more, it was already too late to secure anything 
but a center seat for the flight back from Dallas the follow- 
ing day. It seemed that now that you could fly there for 
$109, no restrictions, on Braniff, people were positively 
banging on American's door for a seat at $336. 

So I walked. 

Not to Dallas, naturally, but to Braniff. And flew to 
Dallas for less than half the special fare on American— 


less than one third the full fare—and was surrounded by 
empty, cool leather seats. 

Hours after I returned, Braniff announced that it would 
be shrinking its fleet from 30 planes to ten and selling off 
nine of its 12 gates at Dallas to American. 

But before that, as I started to take my first tentative 
steps toward Branifl, the nice lady at the Admiral's Club 
said softly—the line calculated to stop me in my tracks 
and sit me back down in the center seat— You know, you 
won't get your AAdvantage miles for the flight.” 

There it was. She'd called my bluff. As it happened, in 
this case she lost the hand. But the power of her words was 
a testament to what has got to be the greatest stroke of 
marketing genius of the decade, the frequent-flier incen- 
tive programs. It is the genius that packed the American 
flight at three times the fare and left Braniff coughing in its 
exhaust. (It’s not so much that folks consciously paid an 
extra $227 each way to get their 1388 AAdvantage miles. 
It's that they didn't want to know about alternatives. Shop 
around to save their employers a few hundred bucks? 
Uh—my other phone's ringing.) 

I wavered. I am a man who has earned eight free trips 
on American Airlines, so І know about frequent-flier 
miles. I know about flying to Seattle via Dallas, at a cost of 
an extra three hours and no movie, to be able to fly there 
on American. 1 am a man who actually turned down the 
chance to be in a United Airlines TV commercial and 
$5000 worth of free travel because I don't fly United. I am, 
further, a man who loves games and who managed to eam 
two free trips on Pan Am (1 do fly Pan Am), plus a first- 
class upgrade, by flying a total of 9050 actual miles but 
playing his cards right and accumulating an additional 
41,082 “bonus” miles. (“That's impossible," said my 
young cousin and good friend Adam Aron, who happens 
to run Pan Am's frequent-flier program. “Check it out,” 
I suggested. “That's amazing!” he said after confirming 
my claim.) 

So I'm hardly one of those guys who are down on 
frequent-flier programs because they neglected to sign up 
at the outset. No, J was in there flapping my greedy little 


PLAYBOY 


wings from the start. 

But $249 for a center seat versus $109 in 
suburbia? 

It’s time, I deeply regret to say, to take a 
second look at the frequent-flier programs. 


JUST HOW MUCH IS 
AFREQUENT-FLIER MILE WORTH? 

There are a lot of ways to figure this, 
and the answer will vary from airline to 
airline. But on most, the goal to shoot for is 
50,000 miles or thereabouts (40,000 on 
Pan Am, 70,000 on Eastern), because at 
that level, you get two free round-trip 
coach tickets. 

So, very roughly, figure that 50,000 
miles equals two round-trip tickets to 
Hawaii. (Even if you'd rather go to St. 
Martin, you will find yourself on Maui out 
ofa compulsion to hit up the airline for the 
longest trip in its route system. Californi- 
ans choose St. Martin.) Two round trips 
to Hawaii—again, very roughly—equal 
$1000. Sure, you could spend a lot more 
than that, but if it were your money, you 
wouldn't. You'd shop around for one of the 
supersaver fares and maybe get seven 
nights in a tiki-tacky Waikiki hotel thrown 
„ to boot So what we're talking 
here—$1000 earned by flying 50.000 
miles—is two cents a mile. 

Or maybe less, depending on how you 
figure it. If, for example, you accept East- 
em's ofler of a lifetime membership in its 
Tonosphere Club for 100,000 miles (there 
admittedly being some question whether 
it's your lifetime or the airline's thats the 
limiting factor), you are making a simple 
trade of 100,000 miles for a $650 member- 
ship. Two thirds of a cent per mile. 

Pan Am will fly you coast to coast and 


back four times in return for just 70,000 
miles. What's that worth? If it’s worth 
$3752 (the price of four full-fare Pan Am 
round trips to the Coast in coach), then 
each frequent-Rier mile is worth more than 
a nickel. But if four round trips to the 
Coast are worth $952 (the price People 
Express charges), then each is worth just 
under a penny and a half. 

As a rough rule of thumb, say the miles 
you accumulate are worth two cents each. 
By paying American an extra $227 to fly 
you from New York to Dallas, you get 1388 
frequent-flier miles worth $28. Not a bad 
deal—so long as it's not your $227 

"THE OBVIOUS NEED TO CONCENTRATE 

“When it comes to investing," I was 
going to say in the United Airlincs ad I 
didn't do, “I’m a great believer in diversi- 
fication. But when it comes to frequent- 
fier programs, it makes sense to 
concentrate all your miles on one airline. 
A good reason to make that airline United 
is that United flies to more of the top 100 
business destinations than any other air- 
line.” 

And, indeed, that is а good reason. One 
hundred thousand miles spread over a 
dozen airlines is worth nothing. The same 
100,000 miles on a single carrier can buy 
you two first-class trips to the moon. It 
obviously makes sense to concentrate on a 
carrier whose route structure most closely 
overlaps your travel patterns. 

But by the time United launched its 
frequent-flier program, Га already accu- 
mulated thousands of miles on American 
and so was not about to switch, I and (by 
now) more than 1,000,000 others. Who- 
ever was responsible for dreaming up this 
program at American should have been 


“Attention, Mother Ship One! The inhabitants 
of this planet are friendly, intelligent and they 
don't suffer from postcoital depression." 


‚cn a $1,000,000 bonus (no one person 
was responsible, American insists), for 
Amcrican was first onto the field and has 
by far the largest frequent-flier program. 
Frequent travelers, who account for more 
than half of airline revenues, used to 
switch carricrs for trivial reasons—a flight 
left 15 minutes earlier or was showing а 
better movie or was $11 cheaper. Airline 
scats were essentially a commodity, one 
very much like another. “Brand loyalty" 
was modest at best. But not anymore. Air- 
line scats may still be very much like one 
another (they are! They are!), but now 
cven a couple-of-hundred-dollar price dif- 
ferential is not always enough to break the 
bond. 


WHO HAS THE BEST PLAN? 


My own primary carrier is American. 
lis award program is hooked up with 
Frontier, Avis, Sheraton and others; its 
service is tough to beat. 

Pan Am, hooked up with Republic, 
Hertz, Sheraton and others, is my second. 
Tt flies from New York to Florida, which 
American docsn't, and its award program 
is even more generous. Service isn't always 
as efficient as American's, but there's a 
certain richness and tradition to it, all the 
same. This past October, for example, I 
reserved a first-class seat to the Bahamas. 
Annoyingly, the airline called twice to 
nudge me into buying my ticket early, lest 
T lose my reservation. Couldn't I buy it at 
the airport, I asked? How crowded could 
an October midweck flight to the Bahamas 
be? But Pan Am prevailed, and when I got 
to its Boeing 747, I was the only one in first 
class. Seat 1B. Eventually, another man 
and a woman got on and, naturally, the 
computer assigned them the two seats 
directly behind me. The woman began 
reading the paper out loud over my left 
ear. Alier 20 minutes of this, they began to 
hum. 1 started gathering my things to 
move, but, in truth, they were humming 
very well. I don't know who the woman 
was, but when I turned around to glare a 
little, I saw that the man was Luciano Pava- 
rotti. Somehow, one can more easily pic- 
ture Pavarotti flying Pan Am than Eastern. 

"That said, Eastern actually does a bet- 
ter job, I think, than many people give it 
credit for (though closing its Concourse 
D Miami Ionosphere Club one crowded 
recent Friday afternoon was not, in my 
view, the paradigm of perceptive schedul- 
ing). Eastern is, in any event, my third 
carrier. Its award program, hooked up 
with 'TWA, Hertz, Marriott and others, is 
not lush, but I need Eastern. Neither 
American nor Pan Am flies between 
LaGuardia and Boston or Washington, as 
I do; Ncw York Air flies thosc routes but. 
has no frequent-flier plan (Eastern credits 
you with 1000 miles each way, so it's actu- 
ally a little lusher than it appears); and 
People Express, the airline that answers all 
calls with a busy signal, leaves from 
Newark. The cab fare to Newark is more 


FOR SERIOUS ROCKERS. 


THE ONLY WAY TO ROLL. 


Strap down. Lean back. Let the wind blow your hair. receivers, power amps, EQ/amps, and speakers. 

While Clarion blows your mind. With features like Magi-Tune Ill” FM reception, 

Forty-plus years. Under our bell. And between your electronic tuning, separate bass and treble equalization, 
door panels. It's no surprise we deliver superior car audio and Dolby" noise reduction. To put you in complete 
performance no homegrown audio maker can. control of a own listening desti 


iny. 
by your Clarion dealer. ix it for yourself. 


Our line of products is so. YD have lo pack a Rol 
lunch to see and hear everything. АМ/ЕМ slereo cassette n ш do, you may never know what serious rocking 
Is all about. 
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2 р - (59 Clarion 
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MOVING AT THE SPEED OF SOUND 


Clarion Corp. of America, 5500 Rosecrans Avenue, Lawndale, CA 90260 


PLAYBOY 


134 


than the flight to Boston. 

All the other major airlines have 
frequent-flier plans— T WA's is terrific— 
but once you've chosen sides, there's little 
incentive to switch. 


TAX CONSEQUENCES 


What makes these programs all the 
morc irresistible is the fact that your aver- 
age frequent flier, being in or close to or 
perhaps even above the 50 percent mar- 
ginal tax bracket, would have to earn 
$1000 to have enough, after tax, to buy a 
$500 ticket to Haw; 

For tax purposes, frequent-flier awards 
arc considered discounts from the price of 
the tickets used to carn them. If you buy 
nine tickets and get the tenth free, bully for 
you: That's no more income than is the 
fourth bar of soap you get free with the 
first three. Similarly, if a company buys 
$4000 worth of tickets to send you around. 
the country and receives a free ticket val- 
ved at $400, it owes no tax on the $400. 
Its just gotten $4400 worth of tickets for 
$4000. 

But if it buys $4000 worth of tickets and 
you get the $400 free ticket, then you are 
supposed to declare the value of that ticket 
as income and pay tax on it. 

So far, the Government has had the 
great good grace not to bother with this, 
any more than it attempts to tax the value 
of personal phone calls made by cmploy- 
ees on company phones at work, or other 
modest perks of modern life 

And rightly so. Here you and your com- 
panion were about to take a weekend in 
Tarrytown at a travel cost of $18; but, 
since you've got these free first-class tick- 
ets, you decide to go to San Diego instead. 
You never would have gone there for the 
weekend on your own $2240 (the cost of 
the trip in first class). So are the tickets 
really worth $2240? 

It would be different if travel-award 
winners had their choice of the ticket or 
the ticket’s value in cash. Then the ticket 
could be said truly to have the cash value 
and might, indeed, be taxed as income. 
Contest sponsors often offer cash equiva- 
lents to winners who would find it awk- 
ward to accept the $12,000 piano, say, and 
be stuck having to pay $6000 in tax. 

Airlines could never afford to offer 
meaningful cash equivalents, because, to 
the airline, the real cost of the $500 ticket 
it's giving away may be around $35 for a 
couple of meals and a few extra gallons of 
fuel. 

If the IRS ever did start aggressively 
taxing frequent-flier tickets, one possibility 
would be to base the tax on the lowest fare 
then prevailing—on any carrier—on the 
assumption that if it were your money for a 
vacation, you'd look for a cheap fare. And 
then to tax only half that amount, in rec- 
cognition of the fact that, were the ticket not 
free, you might very well not have taken 
such a trip at all. And then to lower that 
sum by the degree to which the tickets 
were earned with personal travel as op- 


posed to employer-financed travel. And 
then to charge the tax only if the free ticket 
is actually used (some expire worthless). 

Such a system might be reasonably fair, 
only what kind of madman would keep 
track of it all? It's crazy! 

‘And how would you tax a first-class 
upgrade—an award that turns a super- 
saver scat into a scat on the same planc 
that may theoretically be worth $1000 
more but that actually buys you just a cou- 
ple of free drinks, a wider seat and hors 
d'ocuvres? 


HOW TO SELL YOUR MILES—OR BUY MINE 


Having said that it’s impossible to 
assign a cash value to frequent-flier miles, 
I must now tell you that a handful of 
enterprising travel companies have been 
doing just that. Israel Eiss (Travel Enter- 
prises, Inc., 23 Jones Street, New York, 
New York 10014; phone 212-691-6638) 
began making a market in bonus tickets 
back in 1981, almost as soon as the pro- 
grams began. Before that, he was a trans- 
lator. He and three part-time employces 
use a “fluctuating, confidential market-bid 
sheet” as a guideline in buying and selling 
frequent-flier tickets. Want to go first class 
to Europe or beyond for half the going 
rate? Eiss can arrange it. Right now, for 
example, he is paying $600 for first-class 
awards to Hawaii and reselling them for 
around $800. That’s more than the lowest 
supersaver but a heck of a lot cheaper than 
the $1784 first-class fare you'd normally 
рау. 

Eiss says the airlines aren't publicly 
supportive of his efforts but that they have 
no gripe. “Their basic interest is to reward 
their frequent travelers and provide incen- 
tives. It doesn't do them any good if a guy 
can't get some benefit from the awards. 
And it’s the guys who get the most awards 
who have the least free time to use them.” 

Except for Pan Am, most airlines do 
allow you to transfer your awards to whom- 
ever you want. But you have to do so before 
you accept the award. Once your name is 
on the ticket, it’s nontransferable. 

I called another market maker (AGCO, 
10111 Colesville Road, Silver Spring, 
Maryland 20901; 301-681-8200) and said 
I had two frequent-flier awards for sale. A 
very pleasant young woman asked how 
many miles I had on which carriers. I con- 
jured up 70,000 miles on Eastern, entitling 
me to two round trips anywhere in the 
U.S., and 50,000 on American, entitling 
me to two round trips anywhere in the 
U.S., including Hawaii and the Carib- 
bean. She consulted her price sheet and 
offered to send me a check, on the spot, for 
$525 for either one. 1 would then be obli- 
gated to lorward my award certificates. I 
didn't try to negotiate but probably could 
have. AGCO owner Alan Gross, a so‘ 
psychology professor, says AGCO tries to 
match the competition. 

The Coupon Broker, for example (Suite 
125, 1780 South Bellaire Street, Denver, 


Colorado 80222; 303-759-1953). Like 
AGCO, The Coupon Broker has been 
around since 1979. That's when United, 
trving to rebuild traffic after a debilitating 
strike, began offering coupons worth 50 
percent off the next flight to anyone who. 
flew United. They were bearer coupons, 
meaning that anybody could use them. A 
big business (in thc world of small cnter- 
prise) grew up when brokers bought such 
coupons for $20 or $30 apiece from one- 
time travelers and resold them a day or 
two later for $80. In any event, the young 
woman I spoke with at The Coupon Bro- 
ker offered $600 for my 70,000-mile East- 
ern award and $750 for my 50,000-mile 
American award. Fifty-thousand-mile 
awards on United and TWA were worth 
$600 and $950, respectively, she said. If I 
sent her my signed award certificates, 
checks would go out by return mail. (This 
is less risky than it sounds, because even 
having relinquished your award certificate, 
you remain in control. The broker fills in 
someone else's name on your certificate, 
but the airline sends the ticket, in that 
name, to you, the award winner. You then 
forward the ticket to the broker.) 


ECONOMIC LOONY TUNES 


The result of all this has been to down- 
grade the importance of price in the pur- 
chasc of business travel. If we know 
nothing else, it's that people love to play 
games and to get things free. So if it costs 
the employer an extra $297 to earn $28 in 
frequent-flier credits, it's well worth the 
money. Hey, the ticket says coscH—what 
more can the boss ask? (A few employers 
require bonus awards carned on company 
travel to be turned back to the company, 
but that policy is neither popular nor 
widespread.) 

There is no moral to this story. The 
frequent-flier programs are great for the 
parücipants, not so great for the infre- 
quent fliers who, in effect, subsidize them. 
"They're great for the airlines that got into 
them early and execute them well; not so 
great for the airlines that have lagged 
behind or bumbled the fine tuning (one 
lost a bundle last year when, by 
award recipients a deadline for using their 
free tickets, it crowded vast numbers of 
nonrevenuc passengers into seats that 
otherwise would have been occupied by 
paying customers). Neither are they so 
great for the sharcholders of companies 
whose employees are wasting time in air- 
ports waiting for flights on the carrier of 
their choice or paving more than they have 
10. 

Ultimately, a commodity will be pro- 
vided cheaper and morc efficiently if price 
competition is strong. These programs 
weaken price competition. But the airline 
indusuy is still an awfully competitive, 
efficient one, so it's hard to care. 

But don't take my word for it. Гуе got 
just 12,000 miles to go for another two free 


tickets. 
E 


WHEELS 


т 7 723 
`w L 


` 


CARS "85 BIG BIKES CAR STEREO 


PLAYBOY GUIDE 


from abroad. With relatively affordable Nissan 300-ZX 
Turbos and Maserati Biturbos turning 0—60s in the low sev- 
ens, with Mitsubishi Starion Turbos and 16-valve Toyota 
MR 2s not far behind and with six-second Porsches and 
exotic Ferraris on the higher end of the price scale, Ameri- 
ca's domestic makers can't afford to ignore the perform- 
ance-minded market. 

Also, this renewed horsepower war is being fought under 
a new and challenging set of rules. No car may be sold in the 
U.S. without first meeting extremely stringent exhaust- 
emissions standards. And every company selling here must 
meet a fuel-economy bogie of 27.5 miles per gallon on the 
average for its entire “Нее!” of cars or be liable for substan- 
tial cash penalties. 

In fact, emissions and fuel-economy standards, not per- 
formance, are the major reasons for most of this sophisti- 
cated and expensive new hardware. It's pretty tough to 
meet those laws and still maintain good drivability and 
acceptable performance with a simple old carburetor. Then, 
once the Feds are satisfied, if you've managed to work some 


extra tire-frying horsepower into the engine equation, 
too . . . well, that’s more power for the people! 


AMERICAN CARS 


General Motors has met the triple challenges of perform- ` 
ance, economy and squeaky-clean exhaust by going to 
sophisticated multipoint electronic fuel injection (M.F.I.) 
on just about all of its V8 and V6 engines. Pontiac's 150-hp 
1.8-liter turbo four (found in Pontiac Sunbird turbo and 
Buick Skyhawk T Type turbo models) also boasts M.F.L., 
while other G.M. fours get by with throttle-body injection 
(T.B.L.), plus the new roller lifters. 

What's the difference? Both types are computer- 
controlled, but T.B.I. squirts fuel into the incoming air at 
just one central point (like a carburetor but more precise), 
while M.F.I. feeds each cylinder individually. Although 
M.F.I. is more complex and expensive, it gives better and 
more exact mixing of fuel and air for complete combustion. 
The bottom line is better economy, better drivability (no sag 
or surge when you mash the (continued on page 148) 


Ferrari Testarossa 


PLAYBOY GUIDE 


BIG 
WHEELS 


A.T.Vs that go anywhere and 


do anything with gusto 


MANY MOONS AGO, someone slipped a piece 
of paper into the suggestion box at Honda: 
Why not make 2 motorized tricycle? We 
can think of 100 reasons not to, but that’s 
why we're American. The Japanese went 
ahead and created an entire new industry 
of fat-tired all-terrain vehicles, perfectly 
suited for running errands around the 
farm and for falling off at high speeds. But 
that’s part of the fun. The latest innova- 
tion is an extra wheel. This year's A.F Vs 
have four of them. You can choose from 
utility models, flat-out racers or middle-of- 
thc-off-road riots. Here, we feature some of 
the best of the batch. 


The Hondo Odyssey 350 (top) is designed to 
hondle the reolly rough stuff. Full front ond 
rear suspension will smooth out the bumps. A 
varioble-pitch torque converter eliminates shift- 
ing. A fully podded bucket seot, with compe 
fition-type restraint harness ond a full roll 
coge, will keep you in touch with the seat of your 
pants, $2998. The Yomaha YFM200N Moto-4 
(middle) is o work horse that occosionally likes 
to kick up its heels. Designed for anything from 
corrying loods around c construction site to 
herding cottle oround a ranch, the beast hos o 
196-c.c. four-stroke engine, o five-speed 
tronsmission with on automotic clutch and o 
dependoble shaft drive. The large front car- 
rier, reor corrier and trailer hitch are stondord 
equipment, $1899. Kowosokís four-wheel 
KLF185 Bayou (bottom) is light (333 pounds) 
but is loaded for bear. The 182-c.c. four- 
stroke engine is coupled with a five-speed 
tronsmission with reverse, shoft drive ond elec- 
tric starting. The steering systemis similar to thot 
used in automobiles. An independent front 
suspension smooths out the rough ond ready, 
$1849. The Suzuki Quad Racer LT250RF (lorge 
photo) is optly described as a four-wheeled 
moto-crosser. The hell-bent-for-leother A.T.V. 
hos о 249-c.c. two-stroke liquid-cooled 
engine, with o five-speed tronsmission, oil- 
damped shocks and a Suzuki full-floater, box- 
type oluminum swing arm in the reor, $2299. 


EV. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY BRUCE AYRES 


PLAYBOY GUIDE 


THE SPEED 
OF SOUND 


car stereos that move you 


With new cars offering more zip, we've chosen 
some top-line stereo systems that are sure to 
add real rolling thunder. The large beauty ct 
right is a Rinspeed 939 Turba Convertible. The 
Swiss custam-car makers have bui an the 
base of a Porsche 911 Carrera. Its sound sys- 
tem cames from Alpine. The Madel 3015 com- 
puterized graphic equalizer ($400) is able ta 
analyze cor acaustics to create natural tanal 
balance. Other Alpine gaodies include the 
7165 АМЈЕМ/саѕѕене player ($380), the 50- 
watts-per-channel 3502 autboord cmpl 
($350) and three pairs of speaker systems. 
There's a high-tech system for every taste and 
budget. We affer the fine frant-end units 
below. JVC's KS-C200 ($570) has a five-band 
graphic equalizer, Dolby B and C and a ton af 
Торе features. Next, Panasonic's CQ-S934 
($430), which offers dbx tope playback for 
drama similar to that available fram campact 
discs, is an audiophile's delight. The Clarion 
8500R ($300) has smart-tuning circuits for 
improved FM reception. Blaupunkt's Los 
Angeles ($580), in addition to being a fi 
radia and tope deck, comes with A.R.I. traffic- 
information circuits. Finally, the Pioneer 
KE-A330 ($200) has night illuminatian, in-dash 
cassette with quortz-PLL electronic Supertuner 
Ill. The modestly priced unit offers 18-station 
selection, auto-replay and tape guard. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY BRUCE AYRES. 


PLAYBOY GUIDE 


PLAYBOY CARS ’85-VITAL STATISTICS 


S saa 


LIGHTNING LOOK AT THIS YEAR'S HIGH-PERFORMANCE МОРЕ! 
OVER-ALL WHEEL- 


LENGTH BASE DRIVE 
(inches) (inches) SYSTEM“ ENGINE** 


MAKE & MODEL 


‘Avanti 


194.3 


МАХ. НР STD, 
@rpm_TRANS.*** 


UNITI 


0-60 EST. EPA APPROX. 
MPH ECONOMY BASE 
(sec) (eityhwy mpg) PRICE 


DESCRIPTION 
Е FEATURES 


Buick Century T Type 


189.1 38-V6 EH 


12504400 


Mid-size sporty sedan 


Buick Electra T Type 


197.0 38-V6 ЕН 


125@4400 


Sporty fwd luxo sedan 


Buick Skyhawk T Type. 


1753 


18-4 EFIT 15005600 


Small, sporty hatchback 


Buick Somerset Regal 


180.0 25-4 EFI 


924400 


New fwd small personal coupe 


Cadillac Cimarron 


1779 2.8-V6 ЕН 


12504800. 


Faster with optional V6 


Chevrolet Camaro IROC-Z 


192.0 50-V8 EFL 


21504400 


Optional tuned port injection 


Chevrolet Cavalier 224 


1724 28-V6 EFI 


125001800 


New small high-performance Chevy 


Chevrolet Celebrity Eurosport 


1883 28-V6 EH 


13004800 


4-cylinder or optional МЄ. 


Chevrolet Corvette 


176.5 57-V8 EFL 


230@4000 


Newly injected for 85 


Chrysler Laser 


175.0 22-4 EH 


9905600. 


High-tech fwd, optional turbo 


Chrysler LeBaron БТ$ 


180.4 22-4 EH 


99@5600 


Optional 146-hp turbo 


Dodge Daytona 


175.0 22-4 EH 


9905600. 


Optional 146-hp turbo 


Dodge Lancer 


180.4 22-4 EH 


99(@5600 


New fwd sport sedan 


Dodge Omni БІН 


164.8 22-440. 


110@5600 


Low-budget answer to VW GTI 


Dodge Shelby Charger 


174.7 


22-4 EFIT 146@5200 


Turbo standard for 85 


Ford EXP Turbo 


170.3 


16-4 EFIT 120005200 


Ford's turbocharged 2-seater 


Ford Mustang SV) 


180.8 


23-4 EFVT 205@4400 


The ultimate Mustang. 


Ford Tempo GL Sport 


176.2 23-4 EH 


1004600 


New sports package available. 


Ford Thunderbird 


197.6 38-V6 EH 


120@3600 


"Bird gels smoother optional turbo 


Lincoln Continental Mark Vil LSC 


2028 50-V8 ЕН 


1804200 


New antilock brakes for 85 


Mercury Cougar XR-7 


197.6 


23-4 ЕНІ 155@4600 


Answer to T-bird turbo coupe 


Mercury Topaz ES Sport 


176.5 234 EH 


1004600 


New sports package available 


Oldsmobile Calais 


177.9 25-4 EFL 


9294400 


Fwd small personal coupe 


Oldsmobile Cutlass Ciera 6T 


190.3 38-V6 ЕН 


125@4000 


High performance with injected V6 


Oldsmobile Firenza GT 


1743 2.8-V6 ЕН 


12504800 


Olds’ answer to Sunbird 


Pontiac 6000 STE 


188.8 2.8-V6 EH 


130@4800 


New multipoint injection 


Pontiac Fiero 6T 


165.8 28-V6 EH 


140@5200 


Mid-engine gets optional V6 


Pontiac Firebird Trans Am 


1916 5.0-V8 EH 


205@4400 


Available injected VB 


Pontiac Grand Am 


1775 25-4 EH 


92@4400 


Pontiac’s answer to Honda Prelude 


Pontiac Sunbird Turbo 


173.7 


18-4 EH/T 150025600 


Turbopawered optional 


Renault Alliance Convertible 


163.8 17-4 ЕН 


780225000 


Ragtop with more power 


Renault Encore £S 


160.6 17-4 EH 


78(@5000 


Fwd sporty hatchback 


Volkswagen GT 


“Chevrolet ‘Spectrum 


158.0 18-4 EH 


15-4 


100@5500 


70@5400 


E EB HH Ek HE E BEE E HHH BH HH BBE EEE EEE E bE 


Pocket-rocket version of Golf 


New fwd subcompact 


Chevrolet Sprint 


10-3 


48@5100 


Suzuki-built 3-Cylinder minicar 


Dodge/Plymouth Colt Turbo 


16-4 EFI/T 102@5500 


Version of Mitsubishi Mirage Turbo. 


Dodge/Fiymoutn Conquest 


2.6-4 EFIT 145@5000 


Version of Mitsubishi Starion 


Honda Civic CRX 


15-4 


76@6000 


Quick, economical 2-seater 


Honda Prelude 


18-4 


100@5500 


Highly popular fwd sporty coupe. 


Isuzu Impulse 


20-4 EH 


90@5000 


Gorgeous Giugiaro body 


Mazda 626 


19-9 


84004800 


High-style mid-size fwd 


Mazda X-T 


LI-R 


101@6000 


135-hp GSL-SE available 


Mitsubishi Gallant 


24-4 EH 


101@5000 


All-new fwd “electronic sedan” 


Mitsubishi Mirage Turbo: 


16-4 ЕН 10205500 


Restyled, improved subcompact 


Mitsubishi Starion Turbo 


2.6-4 ЕНЛ 145@5000 


223 ЕЕ ЕЕЕ ЕЕЕ 


High-tech turbo sports car 


Who says you can't have it all? 

Not Gary Villapiano, manager of his own physical therapy and 
fitness company by day and jazz guitarist by night. 

“On the job, I put all of my energy into helping other people 
rebuild their bodies and their lives. At night, I revitalize my soul 
with my music? 

Gary wants it all in life and in the beer he drinks. He demands 
super-premium taste and a less-filling beer. That's why he drinks 
Michelob Light. 

Why should you settle for anything less? 


Youcan have it all Michelob Light. 


PLAYBOY GUIDE 


PLAYBOY CARS '85-VITAL STATISTICS 


A LIGHTNING LOOK AT THIS YEAR'S HIGH-PERFORMANCE MODELS 


OVER-ALL WHEEL- 0-60 ЕЗ7. ЕРА APPROX. 
LENGTH BASE DRIVE STD. МРН ECONOMY — BASE DESCRIPTION 
MAKE & MODEL (inches) (inches) SYSTEM* ENGINE** Con TRANS.'** (sec) (city/hwy mpg) PRICE & FEATURES 


Nissan Maxima SE M E +t 3.0-V6 EH. 152@5200 [ Sporty new fwd sedan 

Nissan 200-SX Turbo I 5 1.8-4 EFT 12005200 E Sporty turbo coupe 

Nissan 300 ZX Turbo I E =. 3.0-V6 EFVT200@5200 É America's fastest Japanese import 

Subaru 4WD Turbo Sedan I I a 18-4 EFT 111@4800 E К 4wd with available injected turbo 

Toyota Celica ў 1 i: 24-4 EFI 116@4800 I 24/30 t New convertible for '85 

Toyota Corolla 67-5 y E š 1.6-4 EFI 112@6600 E 26/29 I Twin-cam, 16-valve power 

Toyota MRZ I É 1.6-4 EFI 112(96600 I 26/28. I Twin-cam, 16-valve mid-engine 
28-6 EFI 16195200 I 20/24. Y Hatchback with twin-cam 6 


22-5EH 110@5500 19/25 ) Í Higher performance for '85 

2.1-4 ЕН 140@5500 3 Y 17122 £ Turbocharged luxury sedan 

1.8-4 EFI 102@5500 I 24/30 £ New body, more power 

27-6 ЕН 121494250 21/28 4 Small 6-tylinder 

35-6EF| 182@5400 E 17/23 X More power and A.B.S. brakes 

3.5-6 EFI 182@5400 Й 17/23 Г More powerful engine 
Mercedes-Benz 190€ ў zi 2.3-4 MFI 120@5000 ) 19727 E A little more power 
Mercedes-Benz 500SEC Е 5.0-V8 МА 184094500 I 14/16 I Standard airbag, А.В S. brakes 
Merkur YR4Ti I Ч 23-8 EF/T 175095000 E 19/24 Ў New German-built Mercury 
Porsche 811 Carrera. £ E 4 32-6 EFI 207@5900 E 17/25 y Classic rear-engine Porsche 
Porsche 928 $ . I | 5.0-V8 ЕН 288@5750 £ Y New 4-cam, 32-valve УВ 
Porsche 944 É -f 2.5-4 EF|_ 150@5500 22: Terrific 4-cylinder Porsche 
Volkswagen Jetta GLI E 1.8-4 EF} 10005500 [ New performance package 
Volkswagen Scirocco. 18-4 Ef 90@5500 I I Twd sports coupe returns. 


Nw MS = 25-V6 EFI 154@5500 Sports cou coupe ipe with | injected v6 
— иш jam ur 134ЕН 75(@5500 [ 000. Former Fiat mid-engine 
4 9-H12 МЇЇ380@5750- 1 T2-cylinder hyperexatic 
3.0-V8 МА 235@6800 E A timeless beauty 
_25-Ү6ТТ 185005500 Twin-turbo sport sedan 
2 0-4 EFI Ter Classic former Fiat convertible 


GREAT ES 


191.7 102.0 FR 5.3-V12 EFI 262@5000 ЗА 82 13/17 36,000 V12-powered luxury coupe 
Lotus En Turbo 1690 960 МЕ 274ЕМЛ 205006000 — 5M [3] 14/25 50.000 Turbopowered mid-engine exotic 


Peugeot 505 Turbo 1867 108.0 FR 22-4ЕНЛ 142@5600 — 5M. 91 18/24 18200 Turbo'd, almost a French BMW 
Renault Fuego 176.8 96.1 FF —22-4EH 9105000 5М 2 23/31 9.000 Larger standard engine 


‚Saab 900 Turbo 186.6 99.1 FF 20-4 ЕНИ 1605500 — 5M H 19/25 18,150 New 16-valve turbo power 
Volvo 740 Turbo 188.8 1091 FR 23-4 EFI/T 160@5300 4M+0D 90 19/25. 13.000 Sportier 760 GLE Turbo 


NOTE: The above chort ñ o representative sampling of the world's most desirable mokes and models; 1 does not list oll models nor attempt to be comprehensive. Domestic cor prices are 
1985 factory-suggested retail; foreign prices are port of entry. They do not include state or local taxes, trarsportation or dealer-preparation charges. Some price, horsepower, fuel- 
economy ond acceleration figures are early estimates and subject to change 

"Engine plocement/drive wheels (F = front, R = recr, М = mid). *"Stondord or recommended in designated model (Т = 1urbochorged, TT = rein-turbo, R = rotory, Н.О. = high output, 
EFI = electronic vel injection, MFI = mechonical fuel injection). ***4M = 4-speed manual, 3A— 3-speed automatic. OD = overdrive, RM = reor mounted. 


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147 


PLAYBOY GUIDE 


ro SSS 


FUTURE STOCK (continued from page 139) 


gas), cleaner exhaust and more power. 

When Chevy engineers put M.F.L, 
along with "tuned" intake ports (an old 
racers’ trick) and friction-reducing roller 
hydraulic valve lifters, into the Corvette’s 
already impressive 5.7-liter V8, they came 
up with 12 percent better fuel economy to 
please the Feds, plus 25 more horses to 
please everyone else. 

Chevy put a similar system into the Z28 
Camaro's 5.0-liter V8 and got an identical 
25-hp boost over last year's 190-horse 
carbureted version. This 215-hp M.F.l. 
motor can be had in either the regular Z28 
or the new, ultimate IROC-Z, but only 
with four-speed automatic transmission. 

Chevy's versatile 2.8-liter V6 also gets 
M.F.L and some new applications for "85. 
Rated at 130 hp, it’s an option in the mid- 
size Chevy Celebrity and Pontiac 6000 and 
standard in the performance-oriented 
6000 STE. In 125-hp form, it's available to 
liven up the otherwise underpowered 
Chevy Cavalier, Olds Firenza and 
Cadillac Cimarron compacts. And a mus- 
cular 140-hp version motivates the SE and 
balls-out GT versions of Pontiac’s fine 
Fiero sports car, lowering the mid-engine 
two-seater’s 0-60 performance to about 
eight seconds. 

Besides the cagerly awaited V6 Fiero, 
Pontiac's biggest news is its small “sports 
specialty" Grand Am. Forget the old high- 
performance name; this is a smoothly 
trimmed, nicely turned-out. front-drive 
sports coupe intended to take on the likes 
of Honda's popular Prelude, Toyota's 
Celica and Nissan's 200-SX. Available 
with four-cylinder or V6 power, it starts at 
arcasonable $8000 and can be optioned as 
a small luxury cruiser or (with Y99 per- 
formance suspension and big Eagle GT 
tires) a crisp-handling sports tourer. 

Oldsmobile offers a Grand Am counter- 
part called Calais, styled and trimmed for 
a conservative buyer. 

Buick Division, С.М. V6-engine-and- 
clectronics specialist, offers a Euro-look, 
performance-oriented T Type version of 
nearly every model it makes. Topping the 
line is the luxurious, fine-handling Electra; 
at the bottom is the swift, turbocharged 
Skyhawk. In between are a surprisingly 
fast turbo-V6 rear-drive Regal T Type and 
а 3.8-liter M.F.I. V6-powered Century T 
"Iype sports sedan. 

Cadillacs Cimarron is finally competi- 
tive in the tough luxury-sports-sedan mar- 
ket, thanks to its new optional M.F.I. V6 
and a minor face lift that lengthens its nose 
(to accommodate the larger enginc), 
classes up its tail and, in general, makes it 
now look more Caddy than Chevy. 

Ford's 5.0-liter V8 engines get roller 
lifters to cut friction and wear, plus a host 


зав of other refinements ranging from racing- 


type tubular exhaust headers in the hottest 
models to multipoint electronic fuel injec- 
tion in the pricier ones. For well under half 
the price of Chevys Corvette, high- 
performance addicts can buy a 210-hp 
Mustang GT that's only about a second 
slower 0-60. For about the same money as 
the Corvette, luxury/performance seckers 
can have the impressive 180-hp Lincoln 
Continental Mark УП LSC, with 
advanced air-spring suspension and 
America’s first four-wheel antilock brak- 
ing system. 

Ford's mid-size Tempo and Mercury 
Topaz get their adrenaline levels raised 
with a new sport option that includes a 
100-hp Н.О. engine and upgraded suspen- 
sion that lifts their handling into true 
sports-sedan territory, The timeless Mus- 
tang convertible is back, and the 
turbocharged Mustang SVO—easily the 
best-handling and most sophisticated 
Mustang ever—is scheduled for a 30-hp 
boost (to 205) and stylish Euro-look flush 
head lamps along about midycar. Thc 
sexy Thunderbird Turbo Coupe and its 
Mercury counterpart, the Cougar XR-7, 
powered by a milder 155-hp version of the. 
SVO Mustang’s 23-liter turbo four, are 
smoother to drive, thanks to new hydra 
engine mounts and an upgraded shift link- 
age for their standard five-speed trans- 
missions. 

But Ford's biggest ^85 new-model 
excitement arrives from across the Atlan- 
tic. Built by Ford of Germany and avail- 
able from Lincoln-Mercury dealers, it’s 
called Merkur XR4Ti and is a U.S. ver- 
sion of Ford’s hot European Sierra XR4i 
sports coupe. Ford’s U.S. engineers added 
a variation of the T-bird/Cougar/SVO 2.3- 
liter turbo four rated at a healthy 175 hp. 
The Mcrkur’s suspension is fully independ- 
ent and typically Teutonic in agility; its 
interior is quiet, comfortable and func- 
tional in the German tradition; and its 
performance is downright impressive at 
about 7.5 seconds 0-60. 

Chrysler, too, has roller lifters and other 
improvements to squeeze a few more mpg 
out of its remaining rear-drive sedans. But 
most of Chrysler’s modern front-drive fleet 
is powered by the company’s excellent 2.2- 
liter four, with a two-barrel carb in every- 
day models, throttle-body fuel injection in 
upmarket and performance models and 
multipoint injection in turbo-boosted cars. 

Chrysler's answer to the sports-sedan 
trend is a pair of very slick five-door hatch- 
backs called Dodge Lancer and Chrysler 


A.M.C./Renault, America's Franco- 
American partnership, has added a very 
affordable (at $10,000) new Alliance con- 
vertible, This and the sports-oriented 
Encore GS hatchback come standard with 
а new 78-hp 1.7-liter engine, a major 
improvement over the regular 55-hp 1.4- 
liter four. And there's a lively new 
turbodiesel option for A.M.C.’s hot-selling 
downsized Jeep Cherokee and Wagoneer. 

VW of America launches its all-new 
Rabbit replacement, called Golf, which 
looks like a slightly larger, more round- 
cornered Rabbit. Why the funny new 
name and the dated styling? What we've 
known as Rabbits always have been Golfs 
(from Golf Strom, German for Gulf 
Stream) everywhere but here. And the 
original Golf has been so successful and so 
widely copied throughout the world that 
VW’s conservative German management 
decided that it didn’t want to change its 
looks very much. So there! The new Golf’s 
main claims to fame are significantly bet- 
ter performance, ride and handling, slicker 
aerodynamics, more usable room in the 
rear seat and cargo area and even a larger 
fuel tank for longer-range cruising. 

Avanti Motor Corporation is alive and 
well and is turning out custom-built 
Avanti sports coupes from its ancient facil- 
ity in South Bend, Indiana. Based on a 
still-sensuous 1963 Studebaker design, the 
Avanti was updated inside and out last 
year and gets further refinements for '85. A 
convertible is a recent addition, and a 
higher-performance GT should follow. 


JAPANESE CARS 


While everyone else has been going tur- 
bocharger nuts these last few years, 
Toyota has been quietly developing its 
sophisticated four-valve-per-cylinder en- 
gines. Four small valves (two intake, 
two exhaust) give a more efficient flow of 
fuel/air mixture in, and exhaust out, than 
two larger ones can. 

Toyota has been selling twin-cam 
16-valve four-cylinder engines in Japan for 
years but only last fall brought one over 
here. This little mechanical beauty dis- 
places only 1.6 liters but delivers a spirited 
112 hp and an easy 6600 rpm in the sporty 
rear-drive Corolla GT-S coupe and 
liftback. As if that weren't enough, Toyota 
has just introduced a mid-engine, two- 
seat MR 2 sports car powered by the 
same twin-cam 16-valve 1.6, in this case 
mounted transversely behind the pas- 
senger compartment, as direct compcti- 
tion for Pontiac's o. And Toyota's new 
entry in the growing sports-convertible 
class is a nicely executed factory-author- 
ized conversion of the 112-hp, independ- 
ent-rear-suspension Celica GT-S. 

The performance war between arch- 
rivals Nissan and Toyota is not just being 
fought with sports models. In addition to 


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PLAYBOY GUIDE 


the 200-SX—vs.-Celica and 300-ZX-: 
Supra battles, there's a skirmish heating 
up on the Japanese luxury-sedan front. 
Nissan's Maxima is all new and has been 
converted to space-saving front-wheel 
drive for '85, while Toyota’s Cressida is 
reskinned and significantly improved but 
remains rear-drive. The former boasts a 
152-hp E.F.L V6 borrowed from the 
300-ZX sports car, while the latter coun- 
ters with а 156-hp Supra-derived twin- 
cam E. traight six. Both will scoot 
from 0-60 in about nine seconds. 

Nipping at the heels of Tovota and 
Nissan are two small but progressive Japa- 
nese car makers, Honda and Mazda. 
Honda has upsized the engine in its high- 
economy Civic CRX two-seater (now 
called CRX HF) from 1.3 to 1.5 liters and 
still claims the best 49-state (excluding 
California) EPA ratings at 49 mpg city, 54 
highway. All other Civics (except the basic 
hatchback) come with a 12-valve (two 
intakes, one exhaust per cylinder), dual- 
carb 1.5-liter that generates a lively 
76 hp. The popular Prelude continues 
unchanged, while a new top-line luxury 
SE-i model, powered by a 101-hp 12-valve 
EFI. 1.8-liter engine, is added to the 
Accord sedan line, Mazda, meanwhile, 
carries over its subcompact GLC and 
slickly styled mid-size 626 lines unchanged 
for *85. And there are now four variations 
of the quick RX-7 sports car, all with 
Mazda’s unique rotary Wankel engine, 
but only the top-line GSL-SE has the 
larger and more powerful 135-hp version. 

For only the second time in memory, 
eccentric yet highly successful Subaru (the 
only U.S.-owned Japanese-car importer) 
has significantly redesigned its line. The 
"85 sedans and wagons and the sporty 
hardtop boast all-new, more contempo- 
rary and more attractive bodies and interi- 
ors, plus major engine improvements. The 
upgraded 1.8-liter Subaru engine, sort of 
a water-cooled version of VW’s old 
H-shaped flat four, gets overhead cams 
with a carburetor in low-line models and 
fuel injection in pricier versions. Power is 
up as much as 29 percent (to 111 hp with 
optional turbo), while economy increases 
as much as eight percent compared with 
84. All models offer a choice of front- 
wheel drive or optional on-demand four- 
whecl drive, and the 4wd Turbo sedan has 
a dual-range five-speed gearbox and a 
clever height-adjustable air suspension 
that automatically elevates the car more 
than an inch for extra clearance when the 
4wd mode is selected at less than 50 mph. 

Mitsubishi's dealer isn't 
nationwide yet, but three of its car lines 
(and its small trucks) can be found at 
Dodge and Chrysler-Plymouth deal- 
erships. These are the turbocharged 


network 


Conquest sports car, the Colt Vista van/ 
wagon and the new Colt subcompacts. 
The last have handsome and aerodynamic 
new bodies, more interior room, more 
comíort and features and a larger, more 
powerful (68-hp 1.5-liter) engine. An 
optional 102-hp 1.6-liter turbo four (with 
water-cooled turbocharger bearings), 
along with upgraded suspension and tires, 
turns these small wonders into serious 
pocket rockets. 

Where brand-name Mitsubishi prod- 
ucts are available, the Conquest is called 
Starion and the new Colts are Mirages. 
Other models (not sold through Chrysler) 
include the compact Tredia sedan and the 
Cordia hatchback (both available with 
water-cooled turbocharging), the 4wd 
Montero and an all-new luxury four-door 
called Galant (pronounced “gah-lawn”). 
Powered by a 101-hp E.F.I. 2.4-liter four 
with Mitsubishi’s patented twin balance 
shafts to smooth its vibrations, the front- 
drive Galant is about the same size as 
Toyota's Camry and Mazda's 626 sedans 
but aspires to compete with the larger and 
more expensive six-cylinder Cressida and 
Maxima. 

Isuzu, also not yet available nationwide, 
brings to market the same handsome 
Giugiaro-bodied Impulse sports coupe, 
the same rear-drive I-Mark subcompacts 
and the same small trucks it offered last 
year. Isuzu, as G.M.’s Japanese partner, 
also supplics the new front-drive Spectrum 
models being sold through East Coast 
Chevrolet dealers. 


GERMAN CARS 


As you may know, VW's German-built 
front-drive Jetta sedan is essentially an 
uplevel Rabbit (er, Golf) with a spacious 
trunk. So you'd be right to assume that 
the '85 Jetta is all new as well. But it has 
come out better in the styling department, 
looking more contemporary than the '84. 
In fact, the Jetta just may overshadow 
its less expensive sibling in style- and 
status-conscious America, and it may soon. 
join the Golf in VW's Pennsylvania assem- 
bly plant. Three fuel-injected four- 
cylinders—an 85-hp 1.8-liter, a 52-hp 
1.6-liter diesel and a 68-hp 1.6-liter 
turbodiesel—are available in regular and 
uplevel GL-model Jettas, while the higher- 
performance GL] version features a 
100-hp 1.8-liter, sport suspension and 
sportier seats and interior trim. 

Audi's mid-size 4000S, Coupe GT and 
40008 Quattro (also imported by VW 
of America) get prettier and more 
aerodynamic new bodies and interior and 
power train improvements for '85. Euro- 
style flush head lamps, full-width tail 
lamps, integrated body-color bumpers, 
larger bodyside rub strips and more 
rounded corners give them a softer, more 
slippery look. A 102-hp 1.8-liter fuel- 
injected four and a 110-hp 2.2-liter 


injected five-cylinder power the front- 
drive 4000$ and Coupe GT, respectively, 
while a 115-hp version of the five-banger 
motivates the nimble 4wd 40005 Quattro. 
Zero—60 times, in order, are 9.6, 9.3 and 
9.5 seconds. 

High-buck rivals BMW and Mercedes 
both offer computer-controlled antilock 
brakes. The German system, called ABS, 
is standard in both companies’ larger 
models, optional in Mercedes smaller 
ones. Mercedes gives a six percent horse- 
power boost (to 120) to its 190E “Baby 
Benz" sports sedan, turbodiesel-powered 
models are quicker off the line thanks to a 
revised automatic torque converter. More 
important, Mercedes’ SRS (Supplemental 
Restraint System), which consists of a 
driver's-side air bag and front-scat auto- 
matic belt tensioners (which tighten up 
on impact for added crash protection) 
become standard in the top-line 500SEL 
and 500SEC and optional in most other 
models. Automatic belt tensioners also 
become standard for both front occupants 
in all but the 300CD diesel coupe. 

BMW, meanwhile, escalates the Ger- 
man luxury/performance wars by drop- 
ping a muscular 182-hp 3.5-liter E.F.L six 
into its top-line 7, 6 and 5 models. The 

ing new models are designated 735i, 
635CSi and 535i and with five-speed 
transmission will do 0—60 in 8.1, 7.7 and 
7.4 seconds, respectively. 

And Porsche has a four-cam 
32-valve (four valves per cylinder, eight 
cylinders) version of its aluminum V8 for 
the top-line 928S luxury sports car. Details 
weren't available at presstime, but we're 
projecting some 260 hp and sub-six-second 
0-60 performance for this $50,000 flier. 
Porsche's classic 911 Carrera and 
Cabriolet and the wonderful four-cylinder 
944 are unchanged for '85, but a 944 
"Turbo is due by fall. 


new 


ITALIAN CARS 


Except for a new Ferrari, there's not 
much cooking from the Italian makers this 
year. Alfa Romeo's sexy GTV6 2.5 coupe 
improved shift linkage and a lower 
base price as leather seats, sun roof and air 
conditioning become optional. A new 
lower-priced Graduate version of the clas- 
sic Spider Veloce may prove interesting to 
the just-out-of-college set. The other two 
reasonably affordable Italian sportsters, 
Bertone X1/9 and Pininfarina Spider, are 
back with detail changes only. Maserati's 
$25,900 Biturbo sports coupe, powered 
by a 185-hp twin-cam fwin-turbocharged 
V6 and capable of 6.8-second 0—60s, re- 
turns. And so do Lamborghini's $105,000 
VI2-powered Countach and the more rea- 
sonably priced Jalpa sports car but only in 
limited quantities. 

Wait a minute! Did we say “а new 
Ferrari"? Right. The superb 308GTBi and 
308GTSi and the four-seat Mondial coupe 


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and convertible return intact for '85, but 
there's a brand-new 12-cylinder Testa- 
rossa at the top of Ferrari's line, and it 
should make it across the Atlantic in only 
slightly detuned form. Details are sketchy 
at this writing, but the mid-mounted four- 
cam 48-valve 4.9-liter flat 12 should make 
about 380 hp and propel this blood-red 
rocket to 60 from rest in just under six sec- 
onds and to a top speed approaching 180 
mph! The radiators are side-mounted 
(hence the huge “cheese-grater” vents), 
the body is aluminum (except for the steel 
doors and roof), and we'll bet the price 
will be well into six figures. 


BRITISH, FRENCH AND SWEDISH CARS 


Jaguar's comeback continues with 
record sales in 1984 and a record start in 
*85. Why the renewed success? All the sexy 
VI2-powered XJ-S coupe and the beauti- 
ful six-cylinder XJ6 sedan ever needed 
was better quality and reliability, and they 
have vastly improved in both since new 
management took over in 1980. Rolls- 
Royce and Bentley roll on unaltered, while 
the racerlike Lotus Esprit Turbo mid- 
engine sports car enters '85 an inch lower 
in front (thanks to antidive front suspen- 
sion) and with new ventilated front-brake 
rotors. Its four-cam fuel-injected 16-valve 
turbocharged four cranks out an unbeliev- 
ablc 205 hp from 2.2 liters of displacement. 

While France's Renault has dropped its 
turbocharged Fuego, rival Peugeot has 
added fuel-injected turbo power to a new 
performance version of its 505 luxury 
sedan. The resulting 142-hp 505 Turbo 
hits 60 from rest in a tick more than ninc 
seconds and handles like a French BMW. 

Sweden's Volvo also recently turbo- 
charged its most luxurious sedan, the 
oddly square-roofed (but very popular) 
760 GLE. Like Volvo's smaller turbo mod- 
els (coupe, sedan and wagon), this is a 
neat, intercooled and (of course) electron- 
ically fuel-injected installation—and sur- 
prisingly fast considering the car's size and 
weight. It generates 160 hp from 2.3 liters 
and does 0-60 in the nine-second range. A 
sportier and less expensive version (about 
$19,000 vs. $22,600) of this larger turbo- 
charged Volvo, called the 740 "Turbo, is 
new for '85, as is a nonturbo four-cylinder 
740 GLE. Saab's all-new, larger and more 
luxurious car is still several months away 
from U.S. introduction, but its high-tech 
16-valve turbo engine is already here in 
the eccentric but lovable 900 Turbo. This 
one, too, is fuel-injected and intercooled, 
delivers 160 eager horses from 2.0 liters 
and does 0-60 in 8.7 seconds. 

And that, perhaps, is the ultimate state- 
ment of high performance. When cars 
from little old neutral Sweden start to 
make major power plays, you know for 
sure we've driven into a bold new age. 


COORIN 


(continued from page 93) 
honest person. And I’m so easygoing, it's 
incredible.” 

The freedom she expresses is based on a 
well-cultivated inner strength. Donna 
knows who she is and where she stands. 

“I'm very religious. I believe very 
strongly in God. It gives me strength. 
Like, if I'm scared on an airplane—I hate 
to fly!—I say a prayer and I know I'm 
going to make it. He’s always looking over 
me. Boy, I'll tell you, He's definitely been 
there quite a few times. Quite a few. . . .” 

Donna grew quiet and her eyes misted 
over. “See, now, if I talk like this, I'll start 
crying, so you have to stop talking to me.” 
She excused herself and went to make tea. 

Later, when she returned, she was 
crackling again. Modeling has been good 
to her, but she'd like to try something else, 
and singing is the best possibility 

“1 do all kinds of stuff. I like progressive 
funk, and I like jazz. I like Phoebe Snow’s 
style a lot. I also like the Pretenders, stuff 
like that, to get up there and really be a 
cocky bitch onstage; you know, to have 
everybody by the balls in a very strong but 
innocent way. 

“Гуе had a lot of people say that when I 
sing, I sound a little like Kim Carnes but 
with a black side. I sing black because I 
was raised around black people. 

“I used to be real shy about my singing. 
Stage fright. But every time I do sing, 
someone will say, ‘Donna, get out there. 
You're a gold mine walking down the 
street. Someone ought to snatch you up!” 

Although her career is uppermost in her 
mind right now, Donna hasn't given up on 
love—not by a long shot. 

“One day, PII get married again, I'm 
sure. I would love to have one or two chil- 


dren. I would definitely live with someone 
a long time first, though, to be certain I 
could spend the rest of my life with him. 

“The kind of man I prefer is a gentle- 
man. Warm, loving, gentlc—just as its 
said. I don't like arrogant men; you know, 
men who have a wild hair up their ass and 
think they can conquer the world. Men 
who think, You owe me, because I’m cool. 
Men like that—disrespectful. 

“Sex isn't a big part of my life. It's a 
medium part; let’s put it that way. There 
arc times when I don't want it at all; then 
there are times when, honey, give it up, 
you know! I thoroughly enjoy pleasing my 
man, and I enjoy being pleased. It’s 
important to have good sex in a relation- 
ship. But people who think it's the most 
important thing can stay out of my life, 
because I don’t believe that. 

“Money isn't that important to me, 
either. If I wanted limousines, I could 
have all the limousines I wanted right 
now, believe me. I'd rather have my own 
and tell a man, ‘Hey, would you like me to 
pick you up in my limousine? ” 

"Then she levels her eyes and speaks 
carefully: *I want to be able to depend on 
a man as well as depend on myself. But I 
want him to know that I don't need him. 

"It's not that whatever Donna wants, 
Donna gets. That's not the way I am. I'm 
2 very giving and a very loving person. I 
have a heart as big as this world. Anyone 
who knows me will tell you that. 

“And I cook, too. Oh, boy, do I cook! I 
can do Italian, Japanese, Mexican, Chi- 
nese, steaks. No cookbooks, either. All 
with the tongue—just the tongue. Every- 
body out of my kitchen; Im cooking!” 

"There was really no need to add that. 
We were already convinced the lady could 
cook. In more ways than one. 


"He's never caught nuthin’—unless you count what that 
wailress down al the pier bar gave him!” 


151 


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BOB GIRALDI ........;....... 


“Luciano Pavarotti expressed a desire to make videos. 
I've always wanted to work with him." 


ago. One night, he and his gang from 
‘Tremont Avenue had a fight with а rival 
gang. They dug a circular pit, and the two 
gang leaders climbed in, tied their free 
hands together and proceeded to cut each 
other up with the knives in their other 
hands. One of them was killed. That 
image just stuck with me. Choreographer 
Michael Peters turned it into a beautiful 
dance. That’s showbiz. 


74 


PLAYBOY: No one has ever heard your side 
of the story regarding the ill-fated Pepsi 
commercial in which Michaels hair 
caught fire. You were directing. What went 
through your mind? 
GIRALDI: Nothing. 1 was the only one who 
didn't really know what was happening 
until people rushed onto the stage. I didn't 
see it. I was off to the side, watching my 
black-and-white monitor. The fire looked 
like a special lighting effect on my screen. 
Suddenly, Michael was trying desperately 
to get his jacket off, thinking it was on fire. 
Like most accidents, it was over before it 
started. But the hysteria was there. Нс 
never scemed to be in danger. Then he was 
whisked off to the hospital and I saw him a 
couple of hours later. He was speaking 
despite the pain. It was an accident. To 
say any morc about it is not very smart, 
because there will probably be a lawsuit 

I have no bad feclings toward Michael, 
and 1 hope he doesn't harbor any toward 
me. He is a brilliant performer, a genuine, 
shy, withdrawn young man. He and I 
worked together three times; we did fine 
work, had fun and made history. But our 
personal relationship is over—for the 
moment. He's gone on to do some very 
important stuff, and so have 1. 


8. 


PLAYBOY: On the lighter side, The Glove 
has launched many rumors. Care to add 
some? 

GIRALDI: After a couple of days of shooting 
on the Pepsi commercial, Michacl and his 
brothers were in my dressing room clown- 
ing around. We had just been called to the 
set. I said, “OK, guys, let's go." Michael 
asked us to wait a minute, because he had 
to go to the bathroom. So he goes into the 
john. A few seconds later, from behind thc 
door, we hear him scream, “Anaaiiüeeeee!” 
Our hearts sank and we all ran to the 
bathroom. Michael comes walking out, 
holding between his fingers his classic jew- 
eled glove, drenched. What had happened 
was that the glove somehow fell into the 
toilct. Hc had fished it out and was laugh- 
ing. The little glove looked so soppy 
was never quite sure from what. 


9. 

PLAYBOY: What's your dream assignment? 
craro: Making A Day in the Life, by the 
Beatles. І won't say how I'd do it. But I 
told Paul McCartney, for whom 1 directed 
the Say Say Say video, that if he ever wants 
to do that one for posterity, for the sake of 
history, to let me know. It’s obviously one 
of the songs that make me nuts. But Paul 
has probably had his share of posterity. 


10. 


pravsov: Would you let your daughter 
marry a rock star? 
GIRALDI: It depends. I'd love her to marry 


Boy George. Hc would be the best catch of 
the year. I imagine living with him would 
be great fun. My daughter could pretty 
much do what she liked. As it is, she prob- 

ably will marry a rock star. Her boyfriend 
is a geologist. 

п. 

PLAYBOY: What's the strangest video you 
never made? 

GIRALDI Luciano Pavarotti expressed a 


desire to make videos of two of his c 
songs. Гус actually always wanted to work. 


with him. He's certainly a commercial 
artist—he plays Vegas and football stadi- 
ums. He gives the world gorgeous music. I 
never met Pavarotti, but I sat down with 
his manager and all he talked about was 
the bottom line. It was such a turnoff. He 
said, “We can't spend that, because the 
record's going to sell only a million. We'll 
never get a return." 1 told him,“First, 
you're talking to the wrong person. And 


“What the New Testament should have said, of course, 


was Judge not, unless ye happen to be judges. 


153 


PLAYBOY 


154 


second, you're doing Pavarotti a disserv- 
ice.” You don't just do videos when the 
profits from your record sales allow you to. 
Lionel Richie never said he was afraid to 
spend money, and his videos helped cata- 
pult him to become the most important 
superstar in the business after Michacl 
Jackson. It’s naive and shortsighted for 
‘managers, agents and record companies to 
take that attitude. The bottom line is a 
long-range thing in communications and 
the media. 


12. 


PLAYBOY: What would a 
video by Giraldi look like? 
ваши: It might be tough for Frank now. 
His place is secure in history. But he's got- 
ten past the age of running around and 


Frank Sinatra 


performing. He’s no longer Maggio in 
From Here to Eternity. A Sinatra video 
today might simply be his singing face 


interspersed with other images. The song 
I'd pick would be Lonely Town. When I 
graduated from college and got my first 
job, as an art director in Detroit, I played 
that song every night for a dozen months. 
I'm a romantic. 


13. 


PLAYBOY: You once wanted to make a fea- 
ture film about the lifc of Frank Sinatra, 


Jr. Wh 


carn: My vision was a tragic story that 
probably would have ended happily: The 
father is perhaps the grcatest pop singer in 


the history of the world, a cult figure, a 
strong inspiration to men. The boy, who 
would never be able to follow in those foot- 
steps, tries anyway. He embarks on an 
impossible career. He rises, falls, levels off, 
winds up doing obscure club dates in Min- 
nesota or wherever. He encounters trage- 
surrounding the family: his childhood. 
coping with the women in his 
finally, the realization that he 
can't be who he thinks he should be. The 
message: We can only be ourselves. The 
young boy grows up and comes to terms. 
with this horrible, tough life. [Pauses] 
They stopped me. The old man would 
never allow it. But I didn't want to do an 
exposé or an exploitative movie. A simi- 
larly incredible film was made about 
LaMotta—Raging Bull. But that was a 
negative piece. 1 would have made a posi- 
tive statement. Hollywood would have 
hated But Hollywood doesn't know 
anything about making movies. 


14. 


PLAYBOY: On the sets of the Miller Lite 
commercials, who gets more respect— you 
or Rodney Dangerficld? 

GiRALDI: Rodney gets all the respect in the 
world from everybody, He always runs 
around making people crazy. I once said 
that I'd never seen a more insecure actor, 
which I still honestly believe. He got very 
angry at that and accosted me. But the fact 
, he constantly tugs at his tie and asks 


how he looks. Well, he obviously looks ter- 
rific. His stuff is incredible, He's a great 
addition to the All-Stars and a perfect cat- 
alyst. But he doesn’t hang out. Rodney is 
not one of the guys. He doesn't sit around 
a bar with Billy Martin and drink away 
the evening. But his nervous energy is con- 
tagious. No matter what anyone says 
about Rodney, everybody performs better 
when he's around. 


15. 


pLaveoy: How does a man who regularly 
berates such monsters as Bubba Smith 
and Boog Powell to their faces live to tell 
the tale? 

GIRALDI: You mean me? Because they trust 
me. I've done good by them. They know T 
feel for all of them genuinely and like 
them. They're the biggest kids in the 
world. I call our set the Zoo. I don't 
demean them. What I do is holler at them, 
but in my own lovable way. 

ГЇЇ never forget standing over them on a 
Fort Lauderdale beach where we were 
doing the Lite tug-of-war commercial. It 
was the end of the day. Their hands were 
red and ripped and bleeding. The sun was 
beating down. They looked like lobsters, 
and they were tired of pulling. I just 
needed one great take, but they weren't 
giving it to me. I started screaming, “Why, 
you bunch of has-beens! What the hell's 
the matter with you? Maybe your carcers 
are all over, but mine's just starting! For 
Christ's sake, pull, you bastards!” Then 1 
looked into the eyes of Ray Nitschke on 
one end and Nick Buoniconti on the other, 
and I realized that, if they wanted to, they 
could see to it that the world never heard 
from me again. But they decided instead to 
pull just a little harder. And that time, it 
worked. They sensed that I was only after 
a great shot. Somebody’s got to be the 
coach. These guys are athletes. 


16. 


ts to know: Who is 
that giggly blonde in those commercials? 
Is she everything you expected in a 
woman or less? 

GIRALDO Her name is Lee Meredith and 
she is a New Jersey housewile. She’s a very 
fine actress and a very, very bright lady. 
That ditz character is all fake. In the 
spots, 1 guess she’s Mickey Spillane's 
bimbo. The Doll. The guys are always 
after her on the set, making jokes about 
her bust and fanny. I can't repeat what 
they say or else they'll really kill me. Mar- 
tin is after her every three seconds. But she 
is a highly respected member of that team. 


17. 


PLAYBOY: Tell us some Zoo stories. Which 
All-Stars cut up? Which don’t get 
GIRALDE Everybody's fun behind the 
scenes. Its one prank after another. 
Bubba Smith: I made him tear open a beer 
can 60 times in his first commercial. He 
couldn't get the lines. "Today it would be 
nothing for him, becausc he's turned out to. 


be one of the best performers of all. Great 
at underplayed comedy. Bob Uecker: fun- 
niest man in the world. Hc likes to walk 
around the set with my little eyepiece and 
play director. He gives camera guys and 
prop men orders like “Danny, shoot her at 
five-eleven or nine-two!" He doesn't know. 
what the hell he's talking about. Screws 
them all up. Billy Martin: classy. A joke- 
ster capable of putting lighted matches in 
shoc soles. That's his thing. Dick Butkus: 
takes his work very seriously. Yet he's one 
of the biggest kids of all. A great instiga- 
tor, along with Red Auerbach and Tommy 
Heinsohn. They love to start trouble 
between people and break balls. They 
like getting Rodney pissed off. Магу 
Throneberry: quietest guy of all. But he's 
not dizzy. All he ever says—on- or 
offeamera—is “I don't know why they 
asked me to do this commercial." 


18. 


Lets ponder the influence of 
advertising on modern life. If it can't be 
said in 30 seconds, is it still worth saying? 
GIRALDI: 1 don't want to agree with that at 
all. Unfortunately, the world does. Adver- 
tising has created a population that bores 
quickly, and we're more visually oriented. 
I read recently that you can see about 175 
cuts in a five-minute video, whereas a half- 
hour episode of / Love Lucy had maybe 12 
scenes at most. We have become the Show- 
Me Generation. 

Everybody wants an answer quickly. If 
a guy calls to sell you insurance, he's got 
to talk fast before you hang up. You've got 
to get your word in edgewise or else Pm 
not gonna listen to it. It’s rare for some- 
body to just sit down and say deliberately, 
“Now, Bob, look at mc and listen." VII 
doze off. We've become the fastest country 
in the world—even in our lovemaking. 
One has only to go to Europe to realize 
how fast we are, If we don't get our check 
in a restaurant sooner than a minute after 
we're finished eating, we become incensed. 
We think the waiter has gone off to have a 
smoke. We are impatient people, because 
of the incredible deluge of advertising. 


19. 


PLAYBOY: If you're someday asked to 
appear in a commercial, what product 
would you feel most comfortable selling? 
omarm: The American Express card. 
Can't you see it? “Do you know me? I'm 
the guy who helped Michael Jackson beat 
Tau 


20. 

PLAYBOY: What should you never say to 
an ex-athlete? 

ciraLor: Number one: Never say, “You're 
old." Athletes have the same egos and 
insecurities as movie stars. Number two 
and maybe more important: Never tell 
him that he can't go to his left anymore. 


That's the lowest. 


“Well, if that's all that's keeping him alive, why 
won't Medicaid cover it?” 


PLAYBOY 


WHAT ELSE? 


(continued from page 68) 


“We were told that men should support feminism 
because of the new freedoms they stood to gain.” 


(many women take years off to raise chil- 
dren; they have, as a group, spent less time 
in the work force piling up seniority, etc.), 
of which systemal discrimination is 
emphatically not one. It matters not. The 
New York Times, 1 am convinced, has a 
special 59-cents-on-the-dollar line of type 
оп constant stand-by, ready to be bunged 
into every third issue or so as proof of 
man's inhumanity to woman. The phrase 
is routinely flourished, like a flag, when- 
ever some new assault on male interests 
requires justification. 

. 

This is not the way things were sup- 
posed to work out, gang. It may sound 
quaint now, but there are those of us who 
can remember having had high hopes that 
women's liberation, as it was then called, 
would prove to be not just another piggy 
little special-interest group looking out for 
number one but an actual movement for, 
well, liberation, freeing male and female 
alike from a host of accumulated stupidi- 
ties. There was, after all, much cause for 
such hope. We were repeatedly told—and 
it made sense—that men should support 
feminism because of the new freedoms 
they stood to gain, the old macho encum- 


brances they would be able to shed, the 
promise that both sexes would come out of 
the transformation freed of much that had 
formerly worked to make them enemies of. 
one another and themselves. 

So we hoped and so we expected, once 
upon a time. Even at the outset, however, 
there were intimations of trouble to come, 
apparent if you looked at what the mem- 
bers of the movement's vanguard were 
saying and writing among themselves. 
What you found was eerie and 
disturbing—a peculiar kind of double- 
tracking that was either deranged or 
flabbergastingly disingenuous. Somehow 
or other, with one exception, all the gains 
men might have envisioned from the new 
dispensation were finessed away. (The 
exception was the right to cry, which may 
have been retained on the humane ground 
that when the new order arrived, men 
would have a lot to cry about.) Could men, 
for example, expect something approach- 
ing equitable treatment from the divorce 
courts in alimony and child-custody cases, 
which had routinely ruled that they must 
(1) leave and (2) pay for their children? 
What, and break the sacred bond between 
mother and infant, undermining Mother 


“Oh, don’t be such a wimp, Edwards. Surely you can pick 
me up a package of tampons on your lunch hour.” 


Right? (Which sacred bond, incidentally, 
traces back to the industrial revolution, 
when fathers were driven away from their 
homes and children and into the factories, 
and not to the primordial forces that keep 
creeping into the literature.) To the con- 
тагу: Feminist pressure was (and is) 
directed toward further increasing the 
discrepancy—toward hounding down and 
jailing defaulters, for instance. (With the so- 
far sporadic jailing of fathers who cannot 
afford to pay, we have returned, for men 
only, to the debtors’ prisons abolished in 
the name of common decency more than 
100 years ago.) Well, then, if men were to 
be asked, under penalty of law, to continue 
paying for the children they had sired, 
could they have some say in the mother's 
decision about whether or not to get an 
abortion? What, and interfere with—turn 
up the volume here—a Woman's Right to 
Her Body? (The coexistence of Mother 
Right and Pro-Choice formulas within the 
same set of heads is one of the authentic 
curiosities of our age.) Could men expect 
women to share the burden of defending 
their country's borders? Could they expect. 
that women be drafted, like them, and, if 
necessary, fight and die, like them? No, 
there just shouldn't be any draft at all, 
because there shouldn't be any wars, and 
there. wouldn't be if women ran things, 
because men made wars. (The example of 
history's female leaders, a singularly san- 
guinary lot, was carefully overlooked.) If 
there were a war, it should be left to the 
men, because men loved it. 

Well, then, since, in the nature-us.- 
nurture controversy, feminism was 
necessarily committed to stressing envi- 
ronmental influences, did the movement 
look forward to a day when men would no 
longer hold their current 20-to-one pre- 
dominance in the nation’s prisons or 
when, for instance, a man arrested for 
2 capital crime would no longer be about 
ten times as likely to be sentenced to death 
as is a woman (as is now the case)? A few 
spokespersons thought that it one day 
might be so, but they were drowned out by 
a chorus whose unmistakable message was 
this: Nurture be damned; men are just 
naturally inclined toward violence, espe- 
cially rape, and the main thing wrong with 
our penal system is that it isn’t tough 
enough on them as it stands. Ditto for 
hopes that men might lose some of their 
overwhelming lead in suicide, heart attack 
and other stress-related disorders, in the 
process cutting into some of the female 
edge in the life-expectancy sweeps. 

P 


Wonders are many, and here is one: 
When I ask my college classes what they 
consider the single most flagrant example 
of sexual discrimination in America today, 
I receive all kinds of answers —women 
take their husband’s names; 59 cents on 
the dollar; Jean Harris went to jail and 
Nixon didn't—but never what seems to 
me the obvious one: that the class’s male 


students, and only its male students, are 
required by law to register for conscription 
in an organization that, if so empowered, 
will certainly brutalize them for two years 
and may well kill them, which in this cen- 
tury alone has been responsible for the 
selective extermination of hundreds of 
thousands of their fathers and grandfa- 
thers. 

Wonders, I say, are many; but what is 
one to think ofa young man who, with that 
hanging over his head, can look on his 
female classmate with the uncasy convic- 
tion that he is the one who is somehow 
oppressing her? 

Just this: that like his father and the 
other older males of this country, he is an 
aborigine, a sucker, a dunce when it comes 
to the ways of sexual politics. That he 
has failed to notice what any behaviorist's 
pigeon would have noticed by now: that he 
and his kind arc the ones getting screwed, 
man, and that this fact is surreally out of 
sync with the official version that has been 
passed on to him. 

Once he realized this, he might, if he 
read around, come to a few other self 
evident conclusions. He might see that, far 
from being a lunatic fringe of the zany 
past, the people who used to call them- 
selves radical feminists have done a fabu- 
lous job of getting their values into the 
currency of conventional wisdom, which 
he was parroting. If he knew a little his- 
tory, it might then occur to him that one 


big reason for their success is, almost cer- 
tainly, the uncanny convergence of their 
conspicuously radical sentiments, which 
amount to the position that women are 
better than men, and the traditional codes 
of chivalry, which also amount to the posi- 
tion that women are better than men. He 
would certainly see that those values were 
full of manifest inconsistencies that evapo- 
rate once one recognizes the essential 
premise at work—a premise spelled out 
some years ago in the statement of princi- 
ples of a group called New York Radical 
Women: “We take the woman’s side in 
everything. We ask not if something is 
‘reformist ‘radical,’ ‘revolutionary’ or 
‘moral.’ We ask, Is it good for women or 
bad for women?” 

Which might, perhaps, bring him 
round, at last, to the dismal conclusion 
that sexual politics is just politics. 

Finally, I hope it might occur to this 
young man that it is not in the interests of 
either truth or his own survival to reflex- 
ively support such a movement. It is past 
time for the last minority, men, to recog- 
nize that their own rights ate under attack, 
to organize, formulate policy and start 
applying pressure the other way. If the 
young man is reluctant to think of himself, 
in his privileged collegiate niche (though 
his even more privileged female colleagues 
are not often so inhibited), let him con- 
sider those San Quentin inmates, most of 
them black and all of them male, suffering, 


in the name of “women’s employment 
rights,” indignities that no woman would 
be asked to suffer. 

Or let him just open his eyes and cars 
from day to day and attend to what comes 
in. As someone who has written a book on 
the subject, I can't help noticing the evi- 
dence. Even if I could, the men’s-rights 
organization to which I belong, Coalition 
of Free Men, keeps my consciousness up. 
But sometimes I get tired of pointing out 
what seems so obvious and at the same 
time so hidden from the common eye. Yet 
all occasions do inform against me. 

A while ago, I turned on the television 
before going to sleep, and there was 
Johnny Carson listening to some actress, 
and she was going on about this wonder- 
ful women's group she worked for that 
was trying to мтап women away from 
the rapaciousness that, "unfortunately," 
seemed to come from men. And there was 
old Johnny, a man rather famous at the 
moment for being taken to the cleaners by 
as rapacious a woman as ever glommed 
onto a gold mine, a woman who, it seems, 
annually spends enough money on under- 
wear to feed Appalachia—there was 
Johnny, I say, nodding his head and say. 
ing, “Yes, I see, uh-huh.” 

I know that talk-show hosts are sup- 
posed to be that way, but, still, I wish he 
had said something 


PLAYBOY 


158 


“60 MINUTES" (conned from page 78) 


“What do you care what they think, as long as you 


get them into the tent?” 


scale at 60 Minutes, higher than some of 
the other 60 Minutes correspondents. Is 
that true? 

SAWYER: I’m not going to tell you [smiles 
broadly). 

PLAYBOY: As the last aboard, are you some- 
what in awe of these men? Their work is 
almost legendary. 

SAWYER: They have worked very hard to 
shatter any reverence I might have had for 
them. [Laughs] 

PLAYBOY: They haven't overwhelmed you 
with solemn advice? 

SAWYER: Our group photo session was a 
combination of a convention of journalists 
and Animal House. [Laughs] It was the 
funniest hour I have spent in years, each of 
them topping the other. They were mainly 
assailing one another. They could have 
taken the show on the road. The four of 
them together! I wondered whether I had 
been brought in to be an audience, fresh 
fodder for their jokes. It was very funny. 
PLAYBOY: OK, Don, back to you. In a nut- 
shell, what was the reason for 60 Minutes’ 
success? 

HEWITT: They moved us to six o'clock Sun- 
day. Nobody predicted anything more 
than a slight increase in audience. Then a 
programing genius by the name of Oscar 
Katz said, "Les put it on at seven." I 
said, "That's ridiculous." Then, all of a 
sudden, we took off like a big-assed bird. 
But who really knows? 

SAFER: It was the Sunday time slot. The 
adults took over control of the set from the 
kids, who had been watching Disney or 
whatever. 

WALLACE: I think it had to do with the oil 
embargo. People had to stay home more, 


rry, Mike seems to feel among 
other things that the oil embargo in the 
carly Seventies helped. 

REASONER: Oh, that's nonsense. I think the 
reason for 60 Minutes’ success, for one 
thing, is that it obviously was an idea 
whose time had come—a cross between 
the Evening News and documentaries. Sec- 
ond, the fact that CBS finally made the 
commitment to give it a very good time in 
the week and to run it there regularly— 
football or not, whatever—to run the 
whole show. And third, it was the mixturc 
of the correspondents. And I think that 
even though it didn't really happen until 
after I left, the rise of the program, I think 
I can say immodestly, part of its success 
was because of Don, Mike and me. 
WALLACE: There was also the whole busi- 
ness of Watergate, and the latent thirst for 
that kind of reporting in America worked 
to our benefit. In addition, a good deal of 


our reporting back then, when we were not 
well known, was almost live. It was a kind 
of play-action journalism 

PLAYBOY: What is play-action journalism? 
WALLACE: You had cameras running, you'd 
research the story, you and the producer, 
but in the final analysis, you walked in and 
let the story develop in front of you. 
PLAYBOY: What's an example? 

WALLACE: When we set up cameras inside 
the clinic on Morse Avenue. I think that 
was the first exposure of Medicaid fraud, 
certainly on television, and we didn't 
really plan it all out in advance. Then 
there was the story Barry Lando and I did 
on corporate perks at the Super Bowl 
PLAYBOY: When you caught executives 
using company jets to fly to the Super 
Bowl? That was a spontaneous thing? 
WALLACE: We were there to tell the story of 
how money spent ostensibly for business 
purposes was not infrequently spent by the 
company executives to entertain them- 
sclves. So we set up our cameras at the 
private-plane airport in New Orleans 
without knowing what would happen. We 
had a book with all the tail numbers of the 
various private jets used by corporations 
around the country, so we knew when the 
Rockwell plane or the CBS plane or what- 
ever was coming in. 

PLAYBOY: And you caught a few? 

WALLACE: It was fascinating to watch these 
corporate planes come in and suddenly 
hear over their radios that we were on the 
ground with our cameras—and zoom ofl 
into the wild blue yonder. I mean, plane 
after plane would circle, hoping our cam- 
eras would go away. Thosc were the salad 
days, when we began to make our reputa- 
tion. І remember them well. 

PLAYBOY: Don, do you think CBS sup- 
ported your carly days for prestige alonc or 
out of a sense of public duty? 

HEWITT: You know, I keep hearing that 
CBS stayed with 60 Minutes through a lot 
of rocky times. That's not the way it really 
was. It was that Stanton and Palcy had set 
the tonc: These arc the kinds of broadcasts 
we should keep on doing, and one day, one 
of them will catch on and be popular, and 
this one did. 

PLAYBOY: The network brass gave you the 
best crews and a fairly substantial budget 
for a news program that was not profit- 
able. Why? 

HEWITT: They gave us what we needed to 
do the job. They were running a news hour 
every Tuesday night opposite Marcus 
Welby, M.D., and it was going nowhere. 
They figured, What the hell—we'll run 
the news one Tuesday and the crazy idea 
Hewitt came up with the next. And at 
some point, people got interested in 60 


Minules and we took over. In those carly 
days, nobody ever thought about ratings. 
Nobody in the news division ever knew 
what ratings were. We just knew we'd done 
a show and we went home. One day, some- 
body said, “You're number 30," and I 
said, “What the hell docs that mean?” 
PLAYBOY: Really? No awareness? 

HEWITT: Over in Black Rock, CBS corpo- 
rate headquarters, yeah. Never around 
here, When I was directing the Cronkite 
news, I knew vaguely that we had fewer 
people watching us than Huntley-Brinkley 
had. I just knew that they were more pop- 
ular. 1 didn't know whether we had a 4.2 
share and they a 6.2. I just knew that you 
couldn't do anything about it. ... You 
know the biggest ingredient that goes into 
a successful broadcast? 

PLAYBOY: Tell us. 

HEWITT: Luck. 

PLAYBOY: Still, you make your own luck. 
One of your favorite expressions is getting 
people “into the tent.” 

HEWITT: Sure! What would have happened 
if Ud started by cal our show a docu- 
mentary program? We'd have gotten 15 
percent of the audience. I remember once 
we did a show and called it CBS Reports: 
Illegal Aliens. 1 said, “No! Let's call it The 
Gonzales Brothers and run ads saying, ‘Join 
the Feds tonight as they chase three wet- 
backs through the streets of L.A.’ Let "em 
think it’s Kojak. What do you care what 
they think, as long as you get them into the 
tent?” 


PLAYBOY: Then whats the diflerence 
between that and a carnival pitchman’s 
approach? 


HEWITT: 1 wouldn't be dishonest. Now, 
don’t compromise your news judgment or 
your integrity when that broadcast is on 
But I would make some compromises to 
get people into the tent. 

PLAYBOY: But you would package or mer- 
chandise the produc? Add a little 
showbiz? 

HEWITT: Absolutely. What do you think the 
cover of PLAYBOY is? The cover of every 
news magazine? Merchandising. 

PLAYBOY: But that seems predicated on the 
idea that the viewer is resistant to being 
informed, that you have to merchandise. 
HEWITT: Oh, absolutely. Viewers didn't 
buy the set to bc informed; they bought 
the set to be entertained. If you can inform 
the guy who bought the set to be enter- 
tained, you're ahead of the game. That's 
why 60 Minutes is what it is. We know that 
the viewers out there essentially bought 
that set to look at Dallas. Right? Ifyou can 
get them also to look at us, you're ahead. 
PLAYBOY: You have to twist their arm to get 
them there, however. But that gives you 


those all-important ratings that keep you 
on the air. 
HEWITT: Sure. I mean, look. We keep hear- 


ing from the critics. They always talk 
about ratings, ratings. Why is ratings a 
dirty word and circulation a clean word? 
It’s as if advertising is a clean word and 
commercials is a dirty word. Everybody's 


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PLAYBOY 


looking for ratings. Any newspaper— 
almost all of them, with certain minor 
exceptions, run some kind of circulation 
stunt. They're in the ratings game, no 
matter what they call it, and they sit there 
with this holier-than-thou attitude and 
talk about television. "There's a lot wrong 
with us that the critics don’t know about. 
The critics are so busy writing the trite, 
clichéed things they have written for all 
these years that they beat up on us for all 
the wrong reasons. Especially The New 
York Times. 

PLAYBOY: Why? 

HEWITT: Any time anybody says anything 
about television that is the least bit 
unflattering, The New York Times loves it. 
They go into high gear. And it’s because 
[Times executive editor] Abe Rosenthal 
has made no bones about how much he 
hates television. Гуе heard him on the 
subject. And if you think Abe’s attitude 
isn’t well known on the Time’s television 
pages, you're dead wrong. The Times peo- 
ple know it, and when there’s something to 
criticize, they love it, and they all jump up 
and down, they salivate and they applaud. 
PLAYBOY: You have some difficulty dealing 
with criticism, though you acknowledge 
that there are legitimate criticisms. “They 
beat up on us for all the wrong reasons” is 
your quote. You mean that your critics 
deal with the fluff and not the substance? 

HEWITT: Yeah, they don’t know enough 
about us. One of their problems is that all 
the critics who write about television 
news, with some minor exceptions, are 
also writing about Dallas and Dynasty, and 
they don’t know how to differentiate 


between what we do and what Lorimar 
Productions does. That’s why they don’t 
do it very well. 

PLAYBOY: You don’t regard television critics 
as legitimate journalists? 

HEWITT: They're print journalists—any 
one of whom would give his eyetecth to 
come and work here, The nerve of these 
people! The critics who work for these 
newspapers wouldn’t know how to find 
their way from the airport in London to 
downtown Mayfair. And they're going to 
tell you what you do right and what you 
do wrong! 

What has to make reporters unhappy, 
and I would be unhappy if I were still in 
print, is if they go out and work their asses 
offon a story, and find out that people who 
read their story had scen it closer-up than 
the reporter did; they were there, Televi- 
sion has taken them there. There was a 
time when it was kind of exotic to be a 
reporter. By God, you got to meet Con- 
gressmen and go to Bengasi and Tobruk; 
wow! Now the viewer goes there every 
night. It’s no big deal. 

PLAYBOY: No more glamorous, 
coated foreign correspondents? 

HEWITT: The glamor of the globe trot- 
ters.... You know, our correspondents 
really are the last of a breed. Everything is 
done by bureaus now. But, in any case, 
you've got to realize that the viewers have 
been everywhere. There’s no mystery. I 
mean, some guy says, “Boy, 1 was at Cape 
Kennedy for the launch of the first moon 
flight,” and the guy at home says, “So was 
1.” The Super Bowl was played in your 
living room; John De Lorean was acquit- 


trench- 


d 


BS 
B2 


& ae 


“No, we don't have a rest room, bul you're welcome to 
piss over the edge of the cliff." 


ted in your living room. It all happens 
right there. The place of the print reporter 
in the world is not the same as it once was. 
That has got to sting. I would be unhappy 
about that, too. Let any big story break this 
minute—something big, some catastrophe or 
war—in every city newsroom in America, the 
first thing they do is turn on their TV set! 
PLAYBOY: Morley, how do you fcel about 
criticism? 

SAFER: Some of it may be deserved. Some 
of it, I don't know, but it strikes me that 
the guys across the country who write 
about television are people whom the edi- 
tors don't trust to go out and cover stories 
Of course, in some cases, there's some- 
thing like, not quite jealousy but a 
competition print reporters feel, to which 
I'm not unsympathetic. When we go out 
and cover a story, the kind of resources we 
can bring to bear on it can't be matched 
by many publications, if any. I’m going to 
Lagos next week. 105 not even a go-ahead 
story, I’m just going. There's a guy there 1 
want to see about a story. Even the rich 
newspapers won't spend that kind of 
money. 

PLAYBOY: Do you agree with Don that 60 
Minutes shouldn't be singled out because 
of showbiz techniques? 

SAFER: Art Buchwald does showbiz three 
times a week! My God, he invents chara 
ters in your daily newspaper. If we're 
going to compare what we do 
being columnists, something like that, 
sure, there are entertainment aspects of it. 
You look for exciting and interesting and 
affecting stories. You don t look for boring 
stories, stories of little consequence. The 
same people who make these allegations 
are all writing in newspapers. And some of 
those front pages are much more outra- 
geous than that or more hokey or whatever 
you want to call it. What do we have to 
defend here? 

PLAYBOY: You feel you do a job equal to, if 
not better than, a print reporter's? 

SAFER: The fact is—and I can't prove I'm 
right statistically, but I know I'm right — 
we, in covering the news, do a better job 
and a much morc accuratc job than any 
newspaper in the country. 

PLAYBOY: That's a lot of territory. Do vou 
really believe that? 

SAFER: Absolutely. I think we check out 
our facts more carefully than the newspa- 
pers do, particularly monopoly newspa- 
pers such as The New York Times, which in 
terms of big journalism is the only 
newspaper in New York When we're 
wrong, we're more open about it. We don't 
cover as many stories and we don't cover 
them in the depth The New York Times can. 
PLAYBOY: Your pictures can distort, how- 
ever. The tight shots, for instance—some- 
thing we've discussed with Mike—can 
suggest guilt or innocence without being 
accurate. 

SAFER: Your point taken, there's no ques- 
tion that people who have great powers of 
persuasion, who are extremely articulate, 


present a better case than people with very 
weak powers of persuasion or people who 
are inarticulate. They may be as right or 
as wrong, but the articulate one will have а 
better chance. No question, but it's televi- 
sion! That's where we work! 

PLAYBOY: That’s a topic that has particular 
relevance to the General William West- 
morcland casc, which is in thc courts now. 
Mike, you're the one most involved. 
WALLACE: Right, but it was not a 60 Min- 
utes piece. It was a CBS Reports, which I 
narrated, and I believe it was a fair and 
honest broadcast. 

PLAYBOY: Producer George Crile was 
charged with selective editing and with 
improprieties that violated CBS’ own 
guidelines. Isn't that truc? 

WALLACE: Gcorge has acknowledged one or 
two indiscretions in the editing that were 
strictly against the CBS guidelines. He 
was reprimanded for it and was eventually 
suspended for taping telephone calls for 
accuracy's sake without the knowledge of 
the two or three people he interviewed. 
But he's off suspension and back at work 
PLAYBOY: Do vou feel you gave Westmore- 
land a chance to express himself fully? 
WALLACE: I felt he had an opportunity to 
express himself adequately. But nonc of 
this has anything to do with the substance 
of the broadcast, which said that there had. 
been a systematic deception, a calculated 
distortion of enemy-troop-strength figures. 
PLAYBOY: And you felt that you had estab- 
lished that? 

WALLACE: Anyone who spent any time in 
Vietnam knew that it was almost standard 
operating procedure. Everybody knew the 
body counts were inaccurate. Everybody 
knew that the weapons counts were inac- 
curate. They were discussed at what was 
called the five-o’clock follies, the press 
briefing that took place every day in 
Saigon. 

PLAYBOY: What arc you saying—that all 
the critiques of the broadcast were unfai 
WALLACE: The most thorough critique, the 
one done by T'V Guide, didn't charge that. 
the substance was inaccurate, just that 
certain aspects of the process were not 
according to CBS’ own book of standards. 
PLAYBOY: So was it proper or improper not 
to go by the book? 

WALLACE: It's something you shouldn't do. 
"Those of us at CBS should probably know 
more about the book than we do. It's a 
massive list of guidelines put together after 
the brouhaha over the program The Sell- 
ing of the Pentagon some years ago, about 
which there were complaints in the Con- 
gress and the Pentagon. In the best of all 
possible worlds, we would have it commit- 
ted to memory. I think it’s fair to say that 
most of us don't, But the real guideline is 
fairness. I believe the broadcast was fair. 
PLAYBOY: You have a pretty stringent set of 
checking procedures, don’t you? Did they 
break down in the case of the Westmorc- 
land piece? 

WALLACE: That piece had a different proce- 
dure, because it took more than a year to 


produce. Howard Stringer, executive pro- 
ducer of CBS Reports, and Andy Lack, sen- 
ior producer, were involved in another 
series; 1 was involved in 60 Minutes. So 
George Crile, to a certain degree, was by 
himself, and it’s conceivable it didn't get 
the same kind of exhaustive scrutiny. 
PLAYBOY: How about the camera tech- 
niques you used with Westmoreland— 
your old Night Beat tight shots? You'll 
admit that kind of close-up didn't do much 
to convince anyone of his innocence. 
WALLACE: Right. He scemed to be 
trapped—trapped by the words coming 
out of his mouth. But he didn’t know what 
shot they were using. Nor did I know what 
shot they were using. That option is left to 
the cameraman. 

PLAYBOY: The cameraman was given no 
instruction for the shot and the camera did 
not move physically closer? 

WALLACE: No, the lens will come in. And 
the cameraman himself was apparently so 
moved by what was going on oncamera, 
realizing that he had a dramatic moment. 
William Westmoreland, General of the 
Armies, a man who had run the war in 
Vietnam, who had addressed a joint ses- 
sion of Congress and was used to the para- 
phernalia of television and tough questions 
from journalists — 

alling apart? 

WALLACE: I was surprised at the confusion 
and distress that he made quite apparent 
in that hotel room in Manhattan where we 
filmed the piece. Perhaps he was unpre- 
pared for our preparation. 

PLAYBOY: Then you don't sec any difference 
between asking those kinds of questions 
with a camera watching and asking them 
for publication? 

WALLACE: I don’t think there’s any differ- 
ence at all really. I can be confronted in 
this Interview with contradictions in things 
I haye said or done in the past. Whether 
I'm dishonest, fair or unfair, I can be 
confronted in the same way I confront peo- 
ple. pLavnoy didn't have to subpoena me 
here. I'm here of my own free will and 
accord. I'm here not unwillingly, and the 
price of admission is to make myself vul- 
ncrable to whateveris putin printaboutme. 
PLAYBOY: Diane, how do you feel about zoom- 
ing in on a subject you're interviewing? 
SAWYER: I like tight shots. 1 think tight 
shots are revealing. I think they illuminate 
well. John Chancellor told me once that 
television is a lic detector, and I think 
when people look at other people care- 
fully, up close, they sense things about 
them. I don’t think it's necessarily wrong 
or right to use a tight shot. 

PLAYBOY: Isn't it mostly used to take 
advantage of the subject? 

REASONER: The tight-shot close-up is not 
done to make anybody sweat, It's done 
because it’s the most effective way to let 
the viewer listen to somebody. If over a 
period of time a cameraman took a shot 
that I thought was unfair or inappropriate, 
I would change it in the future. I tell 
almost everybody I interview before the 


camera starts that there may be some 
questions that seem antagonistic, but I tell 
him that no one is going to mousetrap him, 
that we have plenty of film. If you feel you 
gave a stupid or misleading answer to a 
question, say so and we'll do it again. 
PLAYBOY: Is that responsible journalism? 
In print, for instance, you may not have 
that latitude. 

REASONER: Well, in a print interview, you 
talk a lot longer, and then the reporter has 
a great deal of latitude that we don’t have 
for indirect quotations and [laughs] mind 
reading. I wouldn’t give the same oppor- 
tunity to a political figure or an actor, 
someone who was familiar with the cam- 
сга. But to someone who was nervous and 
unfamiliar with the camera, I would. 
PLAYBOY: Mike, you touched on the poten- 
tial misuse of television. You and Morley 
had an ethical problem with a Haitian 
story he wanted to run, didn’t you? 
WALLACE: Yes. My wife had lived in Haiti 
and had family there. I knew the family 
well and had done a story there in 71. It 
was not a self-consciously tough story but 
fairly tough, We dealt with Papa Doc and 
Baby Doc. And Hewitt walked into my 
office one day and said, “Hey, go talk to 
Morley, he’s thinking about doing a story 
on Haiti.” 

PLAYBOY: Did you try to talk him out of it? 
WALLACE: I walked over to his office and 
said, “Look, Lorraine's family wasn't too 
happy the last time around. Ifyou have a 
hell of a story to do, OK, but if you're just 
thinking about that along with other stor- 
ies, I'd be happy if you didn’t do it.” 
PLAYBOY: Which didn’t make him very 
happy? 

WALLACE: It was obvious that he wasn't 
happy about being asked not to do it. At 
that time, there was a little tension 
between us. Later, it broke in the papers 
and became a full-blown hassle. In retro- 
spect, it's obvious I shouldn't have asked 
Morley not to do the story. 

PLAYBOY: But you get along well now? 
WALLACE: Oh. yes. But I do feel it was 
badly handled, by Don Hewitt in particu- 
lar, though he isa man I have great admir- 
ation for. In my estimation, there were 
enough crrors to go around in the handling 
of the whole business. 

PLAYBOY: The Haitian allair occurred 
about the time you were having some 
problems because you had used words 
such as watermelons and tacos in ways that 
scemed racially disparaging while doing 
an exposé of lien contracts handled by the 
San Diego Federal Bank. The bank had 
filmed you while you were filming them. 
WALLACE: Yes. Someone kept peddling the 
film of my quotes until finally a reporter 
did the story for the Los Angeles Times 
When you do the kind of work I do, you're 
fair game. But what upset me was that I 
would be perceived as a racist. I have a 
body of work and friendships that prove 
otherwise. 

PLAYBOY: Lct's talk about the technique for 
which 60 Minutes initially became 


161 


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famous—doing interviews with people 
who don’t want to speak to you, otherwise 
known as ambush journalism. Mike, 
you're most linked with it, and because of 
it, you’ve been called more a performer 
than a journalist. 

WALLACE: We wince in television journal- 
ism at the word performer, but the fact of 
the matter is that there is a performance 
involved. That doesn’t mean it’s phony or 
theatrical. But sometimes it's the best way 
to tell the story of people who are breaking 
the law. But you know, ambush journal- 
ism, that’s a kind of old-fashioned 60 Min- 
utes piece. We haven't actually done it for 
years. 

PLAYBOY: Are you saying you won't prac- 
tice ambush journalism anymore? 
WALLACE: Actually, it happens that we do 
have an old-fashioned piece this season 
about counterfeiting designer luggage. We 
set up our cameras behind a wall in a suite 
at the Plaza, and when a couple of people 
come in and try to sell counterfeit bags, I 
pop out from behind the potted palms, so 
to speak, and confront them. But we don't 
do that much anymore. 

PLAYBOY: Ed, what do you think about 
ambush journalism? 

BRADLEY: I've never done it. If it's the only 
way to get at somebody, then do it. If I've 
got the goods on somcbody and the guy 
will not face me, how else am I going to 
confront him? Hey, then take the shot. 
PLAYBOY: You've never used the technique? 
BRADLEY: I can't say I’ve never done it, 
because I did it once on CBS Reports. The 
Blacks in America story. In this little town 
in Mississippi, there was a doctor who had 
segregated waiting rooms. And this was in 
°78. It was the only way to show what 
existed in Mississippi in 1978. What was I 
supposed to do—get those doctors to sit 
down for an interview and tell me why 
they still had separate waiting rooms for 
white and black? I knew they wouldn't do 
it, so we went in rolling. 

HEWITT: “Ambush journalism" is a phrase 
print reporters have invented to describe 
something that they themselves have done 
since the penny press. Reporters have 
always walked up to people unannounced, 
unawares, trying to catch them off guard. 
The only difference is that when they did 
it, nobody saw it. When we do it, people 
sec it. 

PLAYBOY: That description seems strained. 
The confrontation. isn't clearly demon- 
strated as a confrontation until it's visual. 
HEWITT: First of all, there is a tendency to 
look askance at what is called confronta- 
tion journalism. Confrontation, as we 
practice it, is good journalism. 

PLAYBOY: That seems convenient. Give us 
an example. 

HEWITT: We probably know as much about 
the guy who is approached on the strect as 
the district attorney knows. We've been 
trying to reach him fcr months. Now, this 
very subject came up recently. We did a 
thing on a cancer clinic in Murietta, Cali- 
fornia, where we went posing as patients. 


PLAYBOY: For which, as we recall, you 
received a great deal of criticism. 
HEWITT: Gene Patterson of the St. 


Petersburg Times said, “That's the kind of 
thing you shouldn’t do; people have aright 


of privacy.” I agree with the latter part of 
what he said. 

PLAYBOY: But you went ahead anyway, and 
you would go ahead in similar circum- 


stances to get the story. 

HEWITT: I don't think you're entitled to pri- 
vacy while you are committing malfea- 
sance. Gene had said on a broadcast we 
had done together, “Those people had not 
been convicted of anything, and you had 
no right to do that, because they had not 
been tried in a court.” And I said, “Has 
your paper ever run those pictures from 
those hidden cameras of a guy robbing a 
bank?” And he said yes. I asked, “Why 
wasn’t he allowed to rob the bank in pri- 
vacy? What right did you have to invade 
his privacy? He had not been convicted of 
anything at that point!” 

PLAYBOY: Diane, you haven't yet done 
many stories, but what are your feelings 
about ambush journalism? 

SAWYER: I think there are times when what 
they call ambush journalism—I'd call it a 
surprise encounter—is the only way to get 
a story. I think that in every case, you have 
to weigh the importance of the information 
that you will or won’t get against the 
importance of seeing the person at the cen- 
ter of the story. If it is an important story 
and you think that seeing him’is a critical 
piece of it, then I think it's justified. When 
it’s done for theater—and I don’t think it’s 
been done for theater on 60 Minutes—as 
has happened on local news stations, 
imitatively, I’m as opposed to that as any- 
one else. 

PLAYBOY: The objection is that with a sub- 
ject unfamiliar with a camera, closing in 
on him when he's nervous anyway will 
tend to magnify those nervous reactions in 
the viewer's mind and, depending on the 
case, suggest culpability when perhaps 
there is nonc. 

SAWYER: I don't think people are so obtuse 
most of the time. They listen, and if the 
person is making sense, if he consistently 
makes common sense, they know. 
PLAYBOY: How do you feel about role play- 
ing, the technique Mike uses so effectively 
oncamera to get information? 

SAWYER: Well, you want to show your 
interview subjects a healthy skepticism, 
and I don’t think that’s a role outside my 
character. And as for the fact that the cam- 
era is watching—if it were watching right 
now, it would show you reacting with hor- 
ror to what I'm saying. 1 joke. The camera 
shows you reacting as you would nor- 
mally. Because it’s television and because 
those reactions are edited into the piece, 
people think you’re playing a role when, in 
fact, it is nothing more or less than what 
you would do listening to me. But, no, I 
don't invent a personality for a piece. 
PLAYBOY: Have you ever used the tech- 
nique of ambush journalism, Morley? 


SAFER: I did it once. We walked into some 
villain's office. It was a story on 
commodity-option dealing in which one 
company seemed to control the entire 
industry and turned out to be an utter 
phony, as it happened. We walked into the 
company's offices in Detroit with the cam- 
era on, because it was the only chance we 
were going to get to see what the boiler 
room looked like. 

PLAYBOY: Did you feel it was justified as the 
only way to get the story? 

SAFER: 1 don't feel particularly good about 
having done that, honestly. It has as much 
to do with your own sense of, or your own 
comfort with, something as it has to do 
with anything else. There are ways of 
doing a story. 

PLAYBOY: In contrast to the hard stuff you 
were doing in Vietnam and elsewhere, 
your 60 Minutes pieces escape most of the 
criticism. You're perceived to be the white 
hat. Do you agree? 

SAFER: Don't tell that to the National 
Council of Churches. 

PLAYBOY: Wc know it was going to sue vou. 
for an unflattering piece you did on it. But 
in a general sense, you've escaped the crit- 
icisms, you've never ended up in court. 
Dan Rather did and, of course, Mike is 
spending a lot of time there. 

SAFER: Well, I've been sued a number of 
times. Гуе never gone to court. I've been 
very lucky in that respect. I like to think 
it's because we're so nicely pinned down, 
that every T is so carefully crossed that 
they've pulled back a bit. Now, Pm not 
suggesting that those others aren't! [Points 
his finger at the interviewer] 

PLAYBOY: No. But you attribute it to 
something—again, perhaps, to a non- 
assertive style? 

SAFER: I think there are ways to do things. 
You're perceived in a certain way because 
of the way you do something. I do things 
differently from the way Mike does or from 
the way Rather does—no better or worse 
but different. Is that a calculated differ- 
ence? Of course not! I’m not an actor, and 
T'd be a fool if I thought I were. 

If you look at the body of work Гуе 
done, I’ve always tried to mix up the kind 
of stories I do, just to keep my attention 
focused. I could never fun: 
note kind of job in journalism. Even in 
Vietnam, 1 tried to keep from tripping 
over my own footprints on every single 
story. I’ve always preferred to do stories, 
whether soft or hard, that are observed. 
"That's a conceit of minc. As important as 
interviews are, and I do them, when 
you're talking with people, they're often 
selling something. They're giving a totally 
biased point of view. 1 think my eye of 
the middle-distance observer is often more 
accurate. I like to write the pieces more 
than I like to sit and listen to people talk. 
PLAYBOY: Ed, we’ve talked about how vari- 
ous correspondents get their stories, but 
you've managed to avoid virtually all of 
the public controversy that surrounds the 
others— particularly Mike and, to a lesser 


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PLAYBOY 


164 


extent, Morley and Harry. Is it a matter of 
style or approach? 

BRADLEY: Mike has a style of reporting and 
a kind of piece for which he's noted, and I 
don't think anyone else does as much of 
that or gets as much attention for the 
pieces that he docs as Mike gets. That's 
his strong suit. We cach bring something 
different to the broadcast. The kind of 
witty essays that Morley docs add a 
dimension that helps make this show 
work. Harry has his own style. Where I fit 
in, what I've always felt that I do best, 
involves compassionate listening. The 
Jahnke story, for instance, was a story of a. 
kid who shot his father. What it required 
on my part was thc ability to get this 
youngster to talk. It’s not always easy, and 
I think that's what I do best. I think Pm a 
compassionate listener. 1 like doing that 
kind of story better than going, "Aha! I sce 
here by this document that you said in 
1957. 
PLAYBOY: Diane, your style as a reporter is 
not necessarily of the hard-hitting school, 
the way Mike's is 
You know, Don says—let him tell 
you this—that you don't have to be tough 
or hard-hitting, you just have to be smart! 
Hard-hitting is to most people a style 
rather than a process of getting at the 
truth. I like to think I’m pretty cxacting at 
getting at the truth. 

PLAYBOY: You're in a business in which 
image, whether you like it or not, can be 
important; can’t it often compensate for 
lack of substance? 

SAWYER: Compensate? Never! People who 
know can tell. But the reverse question is 
another way of getting at it; namely, is 
substance alone what matters on televi- 
sion? We can wish that it were, but when 
people look at you, they react to you, 
they're forced to look at you, so therefore, 
they have to react to what they see. That 
was the question in the Christine Craft 
case, in which a newscaster was appar- 
ently demoted because of her appearance. 
PLAYBOY: That brings up the frequent criti- 
cism that something may look good on tel- 
evision but not necessarily be good 
journalism. 

SAWYER: That’s a legitimate question to 
raise. In television, we're all troubled by 
the ability of the picture to overwhelm the 
word, and you will never disentangle your- 
self from that. It’s a fact, and it does occur. 
All you ean hope is that audiences become 
increasingly sophisticated and look else- 
where besides television, that they read. 
PLAYBOY: Mike, you mentioned your pro- 
ducers earlier. There are assertions that 
yours is really a producers’ show, that 
the correspondents are just front men. You 
are given a copy of the story outline 
they've spent months working on and hop 
on a plane, and when you get there, they 
give you the questions to ask, You pop 
oncamera for a few hours, then you're on a 
plane back to New York. True? 

WALLACE: There's a germ of truth to that 
but only a germ. First of all, at least half of 


the time, one of the correspondents will 
come up with a story. Look, is a 
collaborative undertaking; all television 
journalism is. We're really talking about 
all of us as reporters. The producer and 
researcher may spend six to eight to ten 
weeks on a story. The fact is that a corre- 
spondent will spend six to eight to ten days 
on it. 
PLAYBOY: 
time. 
WALLACE: It should be apparent that if 
you're going to turn out 25 stories a year, 
that is the system that has to be used. 
PLAYBOY: You can’t do your own stories? 
WALLACE: It’s impossible. That's the sys- 
tem, and along the way, each one of us has 
felt, Hey, 1 want to go back to doing my 
own stories. Morley and I have talked 
about that. We had all done our own stor- 
ies at one point—Safer in London and 
Vietnam; Bradley in Vietnam and at the 
Tarry at the White House; 
ics and the Middle East, 
civil rights. It isn't as though we haven't 
done these things the producers do now. 
PLAYBOY: Noncthcless, they get relatively 
little credit, 

WALLACE: I’ve said for ten years that 60 
Minutes is a producers’ show. They really 
get most of the fun, most of the charge out 
of the digging and thc donkcywork. But 
the stories are done in constant consulta- 
tion with the correspondent, and each 
of us works differently from the others. 
PLAYBOY: Ed, how do you react to the 
assertion that you correspondents are 
front men for your producers? 

BRADLEY: Scc all of those files over there? 
All those things are research materials! 
I've got a story that I’m going to do next 
week. [Walks over to cabinet and brings back 
folders) I've got six, seven, no, eight, fold- 
ers of material that I have to read. [Heat- 
edly] But I've got to have all this material 
at my finger tips. Now, if that makes me a 
front man, then Pm a front man! 

PLAYBOY: Morley? 

SAFER: That charge denies that we [corre- 
spondents] have any journalistic intent or 
any brain, I guess. Do the producers do a 
lot of research? Yes. Do they produce 
masses of stuff? Yes. Do they always reduce 
the masses of stuff? Sometimes. Do they 
write out areas of questions? ОГ course. 
This is a collaborative work. 

PLaYBOY: The question is, where do you 
come in? 

SAFER: When it comes down to it, it’s you 
interviewing the guy. But we're all report- 
ers here. If it were anything else, if it were 
as you or the critics describe it, the broad- 
cast wouldn’t work. Honestly. There is a 
lot of interaction among us and with Don. 
And you can argue with Don. He doesn’t 
issue edicts to people, cither to the produc- 
ers or to the correspondents. If he did 
[laughs], the edicts would last about 30 
seconds. 

PLAYBOY: Harry? 

REASONER: Fairly frequently, when I go 
out somewhere to do a piece, people will 


"hat seems to be relatively little 


ne 


come up to me and say, “Oh, you really go 
out on stories." I show them my airline- 
mileage card. 

PLAYBOY: But is it true that the producers 
do most of the work? 

REASONER: I don't think the truth is very 
complicated and it's certainly defensible. 
We have five producers nominally as- 
signed to us, which means, arithmetically, 
that the producer spends five times as long 
on a story as a correspondent does. This is 
a group business. The role of the producer 
is tremendously important. But I'm rea- 
sonably sure that the producers who work 
with us don't think of us as puppets or 
dummies. 

PLAYBOY: Do you normally write your own. 
questions? 

REASONER: No. I don't write them, but the. 
questions that arc written are carefully 
prepared guides to make sure we don't for- 
get or miss anything. A good interview 
will wander far from the written questions. 
That's a matter of listening to what the 
interviewee says. 

PLAYBOY: Don, while we're setting the rec- 
ord straight, what about checkbook jour- 
nalism? You’ve been stung on a couple of 
occasions because of the practice—H. К. 
Haldeman, for onc, conned you by giving 
you a $100,000 noninterview—haven't 
you? 

HEWITT: Hmmmm. OK. Will you leave in 
my response to the Haldeman question? 
PLAYBOY: Of coursc. 

HEWITT: Bob Haldeman was never on 60 
Minutes. That's one of the great myths 
that have been going on for years. We were 
pre-empted for two weeks. 60 Minutes 
never paid Bob Haldeman a penny. CBS 
did. We didn't. 

PLAYBOY: Wallace did the interview. Safer 
introduced the show and it was in your 
üme slot. So if there is confusion, 
understandable. But you guys were 
conned; isn't that a good example of 
what's wrong with checkbook journalism? 
HEWITT: Not “you guys"! CBS guys! I had 
nothing to do with that! I’m not sure 1 
would have done that... I might have, 
But inasmuch as I had no part in it, 1 want 
to stay out of it. I vehemently deny, 
and I am outraged that anyone would 
think that we would pay Bob Halde- 
man. ... [In a whisper] But we did pay 
Gordon Liddy. [Laughs] 

I didn't know, nor was it any of 
my business, how much Haldeman w 


paid. And I have no objection to that kind 
of checkbook journalism. 
PLAYBOY: You met ollcamera with 


Haldeman first, didn’t you? 

WALLACE: Yes, we had dinner at his hotel. 
We could sce the White House from the 
room. And I don't know what triggered it, 
but he said, *You know, [Richard Nixon] 
was really the weirdest man to ever sit in 
the White House." 

PLAYBOY: That convinced you that hc was 
going to give you a great story? 

WALLACE: I didn't want to pursue too far 
what he had brought up. If you lose it in 
rehearsal, you won't get it spontancously 


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PLAYBOY 


166 


on film. But, yes, it convinced me that he 
was going to say things on film. 

PLAYBOY: But in reality, he was setting CBS 
up? 

WALLACE: That's really what he was doing: 
selling himself for an interview to CBS. 
PLAYBOY: Getting back to the subject of 


vent checkbook 
journalism. Newspapers did. They call it 
something else; memoirs, for instance. 
Svetlana Alliluyeva, Stalin’s daughter, 
arrives in the United States. The New York 
Tames wants her exclusive, so they buy her 
memoirs. Checkbook journalism. 
PLAYBOY: There’s an accepted difference 
between memoirs and news. 
HEWITT: I’m glad you've brought this up. 
Print reporters, because they deal with the 
written word, assume that written words 
are worth money. I mean, they get paid for 
words they put on paper. But why 
shouldn't one get paid for the spoken 
word? I'm in the spoken-word business. 
PLAYBOY: You paid $500,000 for 
spoken words. That might be considered 
excessive. 
IEWITT: The New York Times paid Richard 
on for the right to what he put on 
paper. And they were outraged that CBS 
would pay him not for what he put on 
paper but for what he put on video tape. 1 
don’t work with paper, I work with video 
tape. Henry Luce, the publisher of Time, 
was buying news before I was born. That 
kind of money in this business pays for just 
a minute-and-a-half commercial. I'm glad 
CBS spent some of its hard-earned money 
to inform the public. 
PLAYBOY: Speaking of CBS moncy, from 
what we’ve been able to gather, 60 Min- 
utes is responsible for some 60 percent of 
the broadcast division’s profit. CBS keeps 
those figures pretty well hidden, but — 
WALLACE: Come on! 
PLAYBOY: That's what our research shows. 
WALLACE: Then they can certainly afford to 
pay the first-class travel we fought. for. 
We're kept on food budgets of $50 a day— 
breakfast, lunch and dinner, $10, $15, 
$25—so not much money goes to waste on 
60 Minut 
PLAYBOY: Didn't your recent contract guar- 
antec you $1,000,000 a year until 1987? 

[Wallace smiles broadly] 

HEWITT: You know, if that’s true about the 
CBS profits, you're telling me something 
I've never heard before. I have no idea. 
I've been told that 60 Minutes is the big- 
gest profit maker in the history of broad- 
casting, but I just don’t know. 
PLAYBOY: Morley, we were on the subject of 
checkbook journalism. How do you feel 
about it? 
SAFER: Well, it’s not something I'm com- 
fortable with, partly because the more you 
do it, the more you're going to have to do 
it. I think it’s ~ usy precedent to set. I 
think there’s a danger: When the facts 
become a commodity, there may be efforts 
to enhance them and thus the value of the 
commodity. 


y, what about you? 
object to it. I think there are 


REASONEI 
probably times when it's justified, but I 


object to it. That's a personal opinion; I 
don't speak for CBS. 

PLAYBOY: Diane, checkbook journalism? 
SAWYER: I don't know, and I’m glad 1 
don't have to make those decisions. I 
really don't know. I don't know whether 
or not it's justified. 

PLAYBOY: Morley, the story most associ- 
ated with you, and perhaps typical of some 
of the victories 60 Minutes has had, was 
the one concerning Lencll Geter, falsely 
convicted of a crime, whom you got out of 
jail. It demonstrated why, in the eyes of 
many, 60 Minutes is considered the 
nation’s ombudsman, the people's de- 
fense counsel, 

SAFER: We spent a long time on that story, 
ТЇЇ tell you, the three of us— Suzanne St. 
Pierre, producer, Marti Galovic, who was 
the rescarcher, and I. We went through 
these highs and lows that you go through, 
but never at the same time. [Laughs] It 
was a very satisfying story. You go into 
those pieces, as I don't have to remind 
you, with some doubts. It's the only way to 
go into that kind of piece. 

PLAYBOY; With skepticism? 

SAFER: You can't go in being a truc believer 
in the guy's innocence, because that way 
lies folly. 1 went in with some great doubts 
about his innocence. In thc final analysis, 
all we said was that we had some serious 
doubts about this guy's guilt. I think we 
ultimately convinced the authorities of. 
what, in their hearts, they knew had been 
a sloppy job. Also, 1 think it is fair to say 
that when a poor black man-in Texas is 
brought into court, the assumption of guilt 
is overwhelming. 

PLAYBOY: Harry, what do you think about 
60 Minutes’ being a sort of ombudsman? 
REASONER: Well, it's evanescent. I think we 
may create a fuss about something with 
the show, and there may be an outcry in 
Congress and maybe even hearings, but 
then [waves his hand] it goes away. 
PLAYBOY: Perhaps, but you've accom- 
plished a lot of things, haven't you? 
REASONER: We were the first to do a major 
program on drunk driving, two or three 
years ago, I think; and a few months later, 
drunk driving was on the cover of 
Newsweek. Then there was a lot of talk 
about changing the laws in various states. 
I don’t know if anything permanent ever 
happened. 

PLAYBOY: Of course something permanent 
happened. New laws are sweeping the 
country. Don't you think the show can 
take some credit? 

REASONER: Well, come to think of it, we 
also did the first story on the danger to 
asthmatics of sulfites, the preservatives 
used in wine and in food. We did a very 
good piece—then, months later, The Neu. 
York Times ran a great big story as ifit had 
just discovered it for the first time! 
PLAYBOY: Diane, how do you respond to 


the idea that the program is an ombuds- 
man? 

SAWYER: You respond by being doubly, 
triply, quadruply careful. 1 don’t place 
myself in that role, but I do see 60 Minutes 
scrving that purpose in many ways. Inso- 
far as you can watch and say, "Good hcav- 
ens, that's happening to me!” and 
something will be done about it, I think 
it’s a terrific thing for the country to have. 
PLAYBOY: Mike, your report on Polo, Mli- 
nois, was a look at a family whose severely 
disabled daughter had died after the town 
cut off its water because the family could 
not pay its bill. You effectively held up the. 
entire population of the town to national 
vilification. But wasn't there a real ques- 
tion as to relative guilt? 

WALLACE: We didn't set out to prove any- 
thing. I didn’t even believe the stories 
about the town at first. I was prepared to 
believe what the townspcople claimed. But 
all you had to do was walk in and sce the 
mother and the father and the older chil- 
dren and then the desperately ill baby and 
the family's devotion to her. There wasn't 
an extra dime around that family. 
PLAYBOY: And that established your angle. 
what you set out to prove—that the towns- 
people were the villains—right? 

WALLACE: It was perfectly apparent that 
there was hostility in the town. ‘The family 
were regarded as deadbeats, because the 
father had had the gall to buy himself a 
beer or a pack of cigarettes instead of pay- 
ing his water bill. 

PLAYBOY: The town's defense, as we recall, 
was that the family had cable television 
and three cars and that they refused to 
demonstrate to the social services that 
they hadn't the income to pay the bill. 
WALLACE: Look, there was absolutely no 
desire to hold the townspeople of Polo up 
to public obloquy. I think they were 
ashamed that this had taken place. They 
realized that they were wrong. A lot of 
them, surprisingly, were thin-lipped and 
almost cruel, in my estimation, toward 
that family. 

PLAYBOY: One of the complaints about the 
broadcast was that you had arbitrarily 
edited out some of the more positive 
responses to the town's charitable actions 
WALLACE: Not some of them, one of them, I 
believe—a fellow in a wheelch: Tt was 
not, believe me, out of unwillingness to tell 
an accurate story. He had a speech imped- 
iment in addition to being a paraplegic 
PLAYBOY: But he testified as to the town's 
fair treatment of him, and that aspect was 
left out of your piece entirely. 

WALLACE: It would have been very painful 
for an audience to watch him try to speak; 
at least, that was the judgment of both 
producer Bill Willson and myself. It did 
nothing to change the sense of the story. If 
you go back to the poll that was taken in 
the local newspaper, it came down on the 
same side as our piece. 

PLAYBOY: The rcsponsc to that is that you 
werc also selective in 
to the poll in which townspeople gave their 


view of the situation. 

WALLACE: My answer to that is “Baloney!” 
Take a look at the newspaper; it was stun- 
ning, because what it did was to convict 
the townspeople of Polo out of their own 
mouths. 

PLAYBOY: But what about the repercus- 
sions? You portrayed the town as filled 
with heartless monsters, then picked up 
your camera and left. After your broad- 
cast, there were calls and hate mail from 
throughout the nation threatening the 
entire population. The mayor was forced 
to move. Don’t you think there might have 
been soine balance in the piece? 

WALLACE: I was satisfied that I was telling 
an accurate story. The fact that the girl 
had died shortly before we put the piece on 
the air was an indication of how sick she'd 
really been. 

PLAYBOY: OK, let's move on to onc of 
Harry Reasoner's stories. You did a con- 
troversial piece on the Illinois Power 
Company concerning cost overruns on 
construction of a nuclear facility; after 
your broadcast, the company was able to 
demonstrate inaccuracies. In fact, it dis- 
tributed a film demonstrating them. 
REASONER: Well, on the contrary. In the 
Illinois Power Company story, with which 
I am intimately familiar, for obvious rea- 
sons, the company did tape everything we 
did. And it made an hour-long piece, com- 
pared with our 15-minute piece. We had 
two inaccuracies: We had misread a chart, 
which we admitted on the air, and we had 
an error in judgment in that we had had 
an interview with the officer of the nuclear- 
power commission, or whatever it’s called, 
that was verbose. We chose to paraphrase 
it and we shouldn't have; we should have 
used the guy. That was one inaccuracy, 
one error in judgment. Everything else we 
said was understated. The cost overruns 
are at this point approximately four times 
as bad as we said they were at the time. 
PLAYBOY: You were forced to make on-the- 
air corrections, presumably because the 
company was distributing the film. Per- 
haps you might not have if not for that 
REASONER: Among other things, the com- 
pany people finished their piece with a pic- 
ture of my doing a concluding statement 
across the lake from their power plant. 
And as I was talking, they superimposed 
Lincoln’s quote “You can fool some of the 
people some of the time but not all of the 
people all of the time.” Well, in the first 
place, it was a shrewd thing to do. But in 
the second place, it turned out that 
Lincoln probably never said it, and if he 
did, he did not say it in Clinton, Illinois. 
PLAYBOY: You televised a story critical of 
the power of the Mormon Church in Utah 
and of its efforts to take control of a mem- 
ber's farm. It didn’t hold up, did it? 
REASONER: | think we didn’t have i 
don’t think we . . . I think it was a legi 
mate idea and a legitimate story, but I 
don’t think we had the documentation. 
PLAYBOY: It certainly appeared that there 
was some substance to the story. Why do 


you feel it wasn’t there? 

REASONER: My fecling was—when the 
story first came up—because any church 
has very great secular power, you have 
potential problems. I mean, it was true 
when Massachusetts and Connecticut 
were overwhelmingly Catholic, and it's 
been true in a lot of places and I thought it 
was true in Utah. [Reflective pause] I don't 
think it was an inaccurate story. I just 
don't think we established it. 

PLAYBOY: So it's a mixed record; despite 
your many triumphs of innovative report- 
ing, the Westmoreland casc is continuing 
and Mike now has to go to court over the 
story he did exposing Lieutenant Colonel 
Anthony Herbert, the officer who claimed 
that atrocities had been covered up by the 
high command in Vietnam. 

REASONER: It’s not Mike's year. Right or 
wrong, it's a pain in the neck. 

PLAYBOY: 60 Minutes has also spawned a 
new cottage industry: teaching business- 
men and politicians and the Pentagon how 
to dcal with television interviews. 

SAFER: I think that's about as valid an 
industry as snake oil. 

PLAYBOY: Arc they selling the public a bill 
of goods? 

SAFER: How can they know what 60 Min- 
utes wants to do when most of the time, we 
don't know what 60 Minutes wants to do? 
These guys have no understanding of jour- 
nalism. They have no real feel for what 
reporters think, what the process is. They 
think it’s all cut and dried: Step A follows 


step B. Journalism is erratic. It’s often 
irrational. It’s the way certain facts fall 
into place. There is no process. 

PLAYBOY: Businesspeople sometimes do 
perceive 60 Minutes as being against big 
business, given the number of corporate 
targets you've gone after. 

HEWITT: If we're perceived as being against 
big business, well, we're a big business 
ourselves. We're probably a bigger busi- 
ness than what we usually report on. Busi- 
ness is antimedia. And the media are 
antibusiness; there's a very simple reason. 
There are only two things a businessman 
ever wants said about himself: what he 
pays his advertising agency to say and 
what he pays his PR people to say. I would 
love to go through life, if I were a car com- 
pany, with people thinking that everybody 
who worked for me was named Mr. 
Goodwrench—or, if I were a tobacco com- 
pany, that people thought my middle 
name was low tar and nicotine. That’s 
why businesspeople go up the wall: We 
play with their carefully manicured image 
PLAYBOY: As you said, CBS is a very large 
business. How often have you taken on 
CBS itself? 

HEWITT: Well, we've taken on CBS once, 
when we did a story on press junkets and 
said, “These are bad things for reporters. 
to go on and CBS runs them.” 

PLAYBOY: What else? 

HEWITT: We also took on the Ford Pinto, 
and Ford is one of our biggest advertisers. 
Ford dropped off that week but came back 


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the next. We also took on the breakfast- 
food companies, which are among our big- 
gest advertisers. I think we're living in an 
era when people expect us to do that. 
PLAYBOY: Some of your critics, whether 
corporate or individual, bring up the 
charge of "selective editing." How do you 
plead? 
HEWITT: Good God, Гуе never known a 
newspaperman in my life who didn't edit 
selectively. 
PLAYBOY: Don't you concede a potential for 
distortion in your clioice of the outtakes 
that aren't useful to a story? 
HEWITT: No, wait a minute. That's a very 
important point. Outtakes are the news 
that isn't fit to print. Outtakes are what we 
put into the wastebasket. It’s just that 
everybody has a right to come in and rum- 
mage around in our wastebasket. The 
newspapers have found that words like 
outtakes sound evil, “All right, Louie, 
what did you do with the outtakes?” 
That’s ridiculous! Outtakes are what we 
decide is not worth putting on the air. 
PLAYBOY: What about the issue of 
oversimplifying, of trying to get every 
story down to 12 or 14 minute: 
SAFER: That's a tough question. I don't 
know. I think we try like hell to be fair. 
But space is the curse of all journalism, 
whether you're writing for The New York 
Times or PLAYBOY Or us. 
PLAYBOY: Have there been occasions when 
you've bent the rules in putting together a 
piece? 
REASONER: There are the CBS standards 
that say, for example, that you cannot usc 
a question from onc part of the interview 
with an answer from another. You cannot 
Stage; you cannot re-enact unless you say 
you're doing it. But you know the rules 
when you do a story. Normally, unless it’s 
a very important person whose time is 
very valuable, we shoot with one camera. 
"That means you shoot reverse questions. 
You're shooting over the subject's shoulder 
to get the correspondents asking questions 
for editing purposes. There is a famous 
story about why the rule that an 
interviewee must stay while you do the 
reverse shots, even though you don't need 
him, was made. When Walter Ulbricht 
was the Communist head of East Ger- 
many, Dan Schorr, then with CBS, got a 
rare interview with him. It was a real 
coup; it ran for a half hour on prime time. 
‚A month or so later, Paley was in Europe 
and had dinner with Schorr. He said, 
“That was a great interview! What I don't 
understand, though, is how you could dare 
to be so tough on him.” Dan said, “Oh, he 
wasn't there then.” The next day, the rule 
came down to have the interviewee stay 
and listen to the questions. [Laughs] 
SAFER: Now we have very strict rules about 
ng. I can't recite them all to you, but 
they're here. 
PLAYBOY: Give us an example. 
SAFER: Well, we can't do what you do 
all the time and what newspapers do 


all the time— which is perfectly legitimate, 
by the way—and that is to edit out of 
time sequence. If during this Interview 
we were finishing and you ended up 
saying, “Thank you very much, and by the 
way, did you ever commit a crime?" and I 
said, “Oh, yeah, I robbed a bank in 1948. 
I got away with $50,000," I think 1 know 
what your lead would be. Right? 

PLAYBOY: Probably. 

SAFER: You'd take that exchange and put it 
at the beginning of your Interview and go 
from there. We can't do it that way. lt 
doesn’t mean that we do things absolutely 
chronologically. We might put that quote 
up at the top, but we would have to go 
through this torturous dance to explain 
what we were doing. 

PLAYBOY: The mechanical requirements 
are simply different. Splicing film is more 
exacting than editing in print, granted. 
But the contextual integrity is the issue. 
SAFER: Come on, with you guys in print, if 
the guy said it, the guy said it. It doesn't 
matter where in the piece you put it. But it 
matters where in the piece we put it. Our 
critics say, “You took it out of context.” 
Well, you guys take it out of context all the 
time! Our rules—which I think are not 
good rules, by the way—are a lot tougher. 
PLAYBOY: They're not good? Why not? 
SAFER: Some of them are just foolish. We 
shouldn't be compelled to be fair; we 
should be fair, period. But I think some of 
the minutiae of the editing process are 
silly. I guess there has never been any 
other form of journalism so acutely exam- 
ined as ours. 

PLAYBOY: By the print media? 

SAFER: Of course! [With some exasperation] 
And not just by the print media, but by the 
public, by the people we go out and do 
stories on! 

PLAYBOY: When you go out and do a story, 
do you find that the celebrity of being one 
of the 60 Minutes correspondents has an 
effect on you? 

SAFER: I think it makes you seek what you 
used to assume—privacy or anonymity or 
whatever you want to call it. Sometimes 
you have questions about people: Are they 
being nice simply because they want to 
know somebody who's visible? 

PLAYBOY: But the show provides access, 
certainly? 

SAFER: People return your calls. You usu- 
ally get a table ata restaurant. And profes- 
sionally, it's good. If somebody doesn’t 
want to give you an interview, he wouldn't 
give it to Jesus Christ if he called. 
PLAYBOY: Don, how do you keep your fect 
on the ground with all the attention your 
people get? 

HEWITT: Whatever the egos are here, what- 
ever happens, for some reason 1 don't 
really understand, we generate a lot of 
psychic energy in this office. And we're 
able to project that psychic energy through 
the tube every Sunday. This place is an. 
amalgam of talents, and nobody around 


here ever gets too big for his britches. The 
secretaries will slap me down if I do it. 
And that’s why it works, by the way. 
Because to make the right decisions, I 
can't be Don Hewitt, producer of 60 Min- 
utes; I have to be Don Hewitt, Joe Viewer. 
I have a very healthy respect for the Lions, 
the Kiwanians, the traveling salesmen. 
The one thing I can't abide is elitists. 
PLAYBOY: Whether or not you have people 
1o remind you that you're mortal, you still 
have a great deal of power. 
HEWITT: I never think of myself as power- 
ful. I’m always stunned when people say it. 
PLAYBOY: But you must realize that you 
arc. 

HEWITT: Probably, yes. But it doesn't com- 
pute in my head. 

PLAYBOY: Nevertheless, running America's 
number-one-rated show is a fact—as is the 
possibility that you could dictate to the 
viewer or be as manipulative as you 
wanted with the audience. 

HEWITT: Hey, wait a minute. I don't know 
what you mean by manipulative. How is 
that any different from what PLAYBOY does 
with its readers? Anyone can be manipu- 
lative. The Pope can be manipulative. 
[Testily] I don't know what the hell that 
means. 

PLAYBOY: Effectively, that once you estab- 
lish contact with the viewers and draw 
them in—once you have them "in the 
tent"— you can do whatever you choose. 
HEWITT: Yeah, more or less. But one of the 
things I’m always curious about is, if our 
TV critics look at that [points to office TV. 
set] as the boob tube, why are they always 
on our backs? We may have elevated the 
boob tube and helped cultivate a little of 
that vast wasteland! 

PLAYBOY: You've never used your position 
to make a political statement or take a 
stand. Why? 

HEWITT: I’m ideologically neuter. Today 1 
may love Ronald Reagan, but by this 
afternoon, I may hate him. One of the rea- 
sons this broadcast is successful is that it 
has no point of view. But I don’t take posi- 
tions, because I don’t know enough to do 
that. I'm always bored and astounded by 
editorial writers who decide they know 
what to tell the world. 

PLAYBOY: You believe in the wisdom of the 
masses? 

HEWITT: I like the masses. I hate the left 
wing and the right wing, but I like the peo- 
ple in the great middle wing. 
PLAYBOY: Because they're buffeted on 
either side by absolutes? 

HEWITT: Right! Right! That's true. I’m not 
so egomaniacal that Im going to tell peo- 
ple what's right and what's wrong. Every- 
body who works here is Idle-class and 
proud of being middle-class. We may live a 
lot better than most because we make a lot 
of money, but we still have middle-class 
attitudes. 

PLAYBOY: What about the show's becoming 
too middle-class, too bland? Some people 


feel that with fewer confrontations and 
other encounters, the show has developed. 
middle-age spread. 

HEWITT: I don't know. We've been on the 
air for 16 years, and we’re still doing better 
than a 35 percent share of the audience 
every Sunday night. Middle-age spread? I 
hope not. I go in every Sunday as if it’s 
both the first and the last show I'll ever do. 
PLAYBOY: Morley, Don feels that the broad- 
cast appeals to the great middle class. 
How, given your salaries and perks, can 
you maintain your perspective? 

SAFER: That's a fair question but not only 
to highly paid, highly visible jour- 
nalists —a fair question for every reporter, 
induding somebody on a small-town 
newspaper, because reporters as a breed 
tend to be pretty arrogant, to feel, if not 
above the crowd, then apart from the 
crowd. It's a strength and a weakness at 
the same time. But does a doctor stop 
being a doctor when he becomes rich? I 
think he feels the same responsibility. If 
уоште a professional, you're able to sepa- 
rate your life. Look, I was a reporter in the 
street at 19 and never went to college. So, 
obviously, my perceptions aren't that 
much different from most people's. 
PLAYBOY: Diane, Don has been talking 
about the program's basic appeal to Joe 
Viewer, to the middle class. With your 
background as a Junior Miss and in 
Wellesley College and the Nixon White 
House, and now the big salary, can you 
share the perspective of the middle class? 
SAWYER: I care about the same things. 
First of all—I don't know who you think I 
am! My grandparents on both sides were 
farmers. I am from a terrific, probably 
very middle-class family, and I care about 
the same things the viewer cares about. 
PLAYBOY: OK. Ed, how do you manage to 
get away from big-time journalism and all 
its trappings? 

BRADLEY: I have a friend, singer Jimmy 
Buffett. From time to time, I go on thc 
road with him and play in the band. I play 
the tambourine or the cowbell, with the 
most god-awful beat you've ever heard. 
But it’s a wonderful feeling for me to get 
out and do that. 

PLAYBOY: You seem the most restless; is it 
possible you might move on? 

BRADLEY: I don't see myself being here 20 
years from now. I’m 43 years old. Jeez, I 
don't want to do this for another 20 years. 
I don't know. Maybe now I have to start 
looking, but I've never thought that way 
and I don't want to start now. Maybe Pm 
just too stubborn to change. But it has 
always taken care of itself. When I get to 
that fork in the road, Pll make that 
decision—but not until I rcach that fork. 
PLAYBOY: You're shortly going to be 
renegotiating your contract. Do you have 
many options besides 60 Minutes? 
BRADLEY: No, there are more options on 
the way up than when you’re there at the 
top. There's a lot of room to maneuver on 


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170 


the bottom of the pyramid, but when 
you’re at the top or ncar the top, there’s 
not much room. 

PLAYBOY: There's always Pai 
BRADLEY: [Laughs] Yep. Yep. Joe Masraff, 
who was kind of my mentor in Paris—Joe 
taught mc how to cook, among other 
things—I used to tell him, "When I get 
back from Vietnam, I'm going to save 
about $30,000 and come back to Paris and 
retire." Well, the last time I saw Joe, he 
said, "So, my friend, you must have the 
$30,000 to retire on." I said, “Well, Joe, 
you know how it is with inflation and all.” 

PLAYBOY: Harry, what do you say about 
keeping your feet on the ground amid all 
the wealth and fame? 

REASONER: James Kilpatrick, the conserv- 
ative columnist, once said that all report- 
ers should remember that even though 
they're invited to sup at the homes of the 
powerful they should remember that 
tomorrow they may be begging for crumbs 
at the kitchen door. Your clout is because 
you're CBS or рглүувоу or The New York 
Times. It's not because it's you. 

PLAYBOY: Let's finish by returning to the 
theme of what makes this show tick. It 
doesn't appear to have much to do with a 
Harvard Business School approach to 
management or organization. 

SAFER: [Laughs] 105 haphazard, very 
much unplanned. People write books 
about the broadcast and analyze it as if 
Hewitt and the rest of us sat around this 
big table plotting this show. 

PLAYBOY: There don’t seem to be a lot of 
rules and regulations around here. No 
memos or mectings? 

BRADLEY: I’ve got a memo here on my desk 
somewhere. [Searches through papers] This 
is the second memo I’ve received from 
Don Hewitt in four years [laughs]. We 
don’t have memos and we don’t have staff 
meetings. 

SAWYER: My first week here, I kept walk- 
ing around, looking for any clue about 
how things worked. And then it occurred 
to me, it’s like... it's like going to a 
mixer; there’s no form. There are just sim- 
ple communications, and you find a pro- 
ducer in the hall and you say, “What do 
you think about . . . 2" And maybe he'll 
say, “I don’t like it," and then you'll walk 
on to the next producer and say, "What do 
you think about... ?" and he'll say, “I 
love it!” and you've got yourself a story. 
(Laughs 

PLAYBOY: Don has supposedly written only 
two memos in 16 years? 

SAWYER: And held one meeting, which was 
a disaster, in 1967. The tone is set at every 
level; you don't have to doa story if you're. 
not interested in it, You learn that very 
carly. The correspondents and the produc- 
ers and the researchers never have to do a 
story. At every level, you have the option 
of saying, “I'm not interested in this one. 
that only people 
are part of it. 


PLAYBOY: Do you, like the others, expect to 
have turf problems? 

SAWYER: Well, initially, everyone has been 
extraordinarily generous about producers 
and about stories and about letting me get 
my fect wet. What happens a ycar from 
now—check in with me. Let's see what it’s 
like when a story is thrown out into the 
middle of the floor and we all have to go 
for it. 

PLAYBOY: Harry, do you think 60 Minutes 
can last much longer at its present peak? 
REASONER: I would guess so. Even if a 
decline began, or an erosion, which would 
not be too surprising after 16 years, I don't 
think there would be a dramatic erosion. 
In other words, 1 don't think 60 Minutes 
would be number three one ycar and num- 
ber 30 the next. But there may not be any 
decline at all. As long as Don Hewitt 
retains his 16 years of wonder and amaze- 
ment at the fact that people can talk on 
film, 1 guess we're all right. 

PLAYBOY: Morley, do you have any criti- 
cisms of the broadcast? 

SAFER: They would probably be benign. 
PLAYBOY: Benign criticisms are better than 
none. 

SAFER: Oh, I don’t know. They really are 
benign. Well, one of them is not so benign, 
but I’m not going to tell you what it 
PLAYBOY: Go ahead. 

SAFER: You won't tell anybody, right? 
PLAYBOY: No, it’s just between you and us. 
SAFER: Га like to see more soft pieces— 
arts pieces—on the air. 

PLAYBOY: That's pretty benign. But 
wouldn't you lose some of your audience? 
SAFER: 1 think that when you have thc 
advantage of what 60 Minules covers, you 
can do it. We wouldn't do it if it weren't 
interesting. I'm probably the only one who 
would say that. I would also like to feel less 
compelled to tic things into neat packages 
and to leave some time to explain the con- 
tradictions. It may tend to leave some peo- 
ple confused. That's not a bad thing. 
PLAYBOY: Ed, as you look back someday at 
your career and your visible success, what 
will you think about? 

BRADLEY: Thc good things wc'vc been able 
to do, the places we've been. I still want to 
go back to Vietnam or Pakistan. Here 
[pointing to a picture on the wall of himself 
in the mounlains of Pakistan]. This is me in 
the Khyber Pass. For me to be able to 
stand up in the Khyber Pass and say, 
“Boy, here’s little Butch Bradley from 
West Philly. Alexander the Great passed 
through here 2500 years ago"—God, I 
mean, that's a kick! 

I had to write a new will a few years 
ago. My divorce was final and I had to 
make some changes. What did I do with 
the thing? [Searches messy desk] Here. The 
last line, sce? It says that the last five per- 
cent of my assets should be used to toss a 
party with as much food and drink the 
money will allow. When it's time to punch 
out, if you had some fun, what more can 


you ask for? 
WALLACE: Partly because of the way things 
are run, by and large, 60 Minutes is the 
happiest shop Гус ever worked in. 
Another part is a matter of pride in our 
work and our success. Of course, I’ve got- 
ten older, too. And I've gotten to the 
point, at 66, where people don't get angry 
at an old man. When you're 46, you get 
angry; by the time уоште 66, уоште a 
character. 
PLAYBOY: In your book, you say that 
your epitaph—we're talking prematurely 
here- 
WALLACE: 
way I do. 
PLAYBOY: Your epitaph would be ToucH— 
BUT Fair. Anything to add to that? 
WALLACE: Not a thing. 
PLAYBOY: And looking back on your carcer? 
Contented? Vindicated? 
WALLACE: Fulfilled, yes. Look, I paid my 
dues along the way. Little by little, found 
myself. Gave up some things, conceivably, 
in pursuit of my profession. I don’t say 
there are no regrets. I made some choices, 
But by and large, I can’t think of a more 
useful way to have spent a professional life. 
And if there have been some casualties 
along the way, you make choices and live 
with those choices. 
PLAYBOY: Don, onc thing scems to be clear 
about this show's success: You've had a 
group of idiosyncratic journalists and have 
imposed virtually no structure on them. 
That way, when your imitators say, “W 
should structure it the way they do — 
HEWITT: [Excitedly] That's right! That's 
why they can’t do it! There’s a lot of 
schlock out there. Nationally, ABC’s mag- 
azine is OK, but NBC has been to the 
well—how many times?—and come back 
dry with First Tuesday or Second Saturday 
or Holy Thursday. They keep looking at the 
structure and they keep finding that this is 
not structure; this is people. It’s just a 
bunch of people, and if you ask us how do 
we do it, we can’t tell you! 
PLAYBOY: There’s no recipe. 
HEWITT: There's no recipe. Absolutely; 
you've got it. [Laughs heartily] The reason 
nobody else can fake this cake is that 
there’s no recipe for it. And that’s why the 
network leaves us alone, because they fig- 
ure the whole fucking thing is so fragile. 
You know, it could fall apart. If a big gust 
of wind came along, it might blow the 
whole thing over, and they don’t want to 
mess with it, The corporate brass get to 
testify before the Senate on how much of a 
national institution we've become—but 
they have no idea how the hell it works! 
Hell, it’s luck, as I said. You're looking 
at a man upon whom God bestowed Mike 
Wallace, Morley Safer, Harry Reasoner, 
Ed Bradley, once Dan Rather and now 
Diane Sawyer. A man with just enough 
common sense to know what to do with the 


gift. 


Not if I keep playing tennis the 


12 YEARS OLO WORLDWIDE * BLENDED SCOTCH WHISKY * 
Еб PROOF? GENERAL WINE & SPIRITSCO..NY.NY, а 


А, 


Its enough to make you want to set lost. 


PLAYBOY 


172 


MOTHERS DAY 


(continued from page 86) 


“This one could be juicy. Maybe it is someone 
famous got bumped off in there." 


inside the pad. "There on the floor, in the 
bedroom, is Rita’s customer. He is naked 
and he's dead, which is, of course, two 
problems—who he is and how he got 
dead— before they should move him. Hall 
and Gleason, being rookies, Gleason being 
distracted, do not sec the first one. 

“Hall goes by the book and calls the 
paramedics. Unfortunately, she makes a 
rookie mistake when she does this and 
employs her radio. This, of course, is mon- 
itored by all the fucking press. Therefore, 
when the medics arrive at the Monaco, 
they have got some company, those bas- 
tards with their goddamned notebooks 
and their microphones. This could be a 
murder, right? In those new apartments? 
High-priced doctors, lawyers, shrinks? 
This onc could be juicy. Maybe it is some- 
one famous got bumped off in there. 

“Manager wins all those turds—he 
won't let them upstairs. This means Hall 
and Gleason still do not know that they're 
down there. Paramedics get through all 
right. They look at the guy. Looks to them 
like natural causes, which means they can 
move him. Wrap him up and cart him out, 


which leaves Hall and Gleason in there 
with just Rita. They get her calmed down 
a little, which they mostly do by leaving. 
Rita's work is hard to do when there's a 
corpse in with her, but having two cops to 
replace it doesn't pleasc her, either. 

"Hall and Gleason go downstairs, 
where they meet the reporters. This is also 
something which they have not become 
used to. Those turds ask them lots of ques- 
tions, which they try to answer. All they 
really know, of course, is where the medics 
took him. Name, age and address are 
things that they never got to ask him. 
“Therefore, all the press turds immediately 
start calling Hope Memorial, which is 
where the medical examiner wanted him 
delivered. And, of course, all the hospital 
knows is that it was a heart attack, ‘acute 
myocardial infarction.” But who had this 
attack they don't know any more'n we do. 

“Consequently,” Kiley said, “Wormser 
starts getting all these calls from the hospi- 
tal and the fucking press: "Who the hell is 
he? And Wormser don't know, either. So 
he gets on the radio, which is the only way 


"It's two am., Debbie. Give him his blow job 
and get him out of here!” 


he can get in touch with Hall and Gleason, 
and he tells them, ‘Go back to the Monaco 
and find out who this son of a bitch is." 
And the press hears all of that, too, but 1 
guess they're not paying attention or 
something. 

“Hall and Gleason go back to see Rita,” 
Kiley said, “and by now, about an hour's 
gone by and Rita's entertaining a new cus- 
tomer. Which she don't want Hall and 
Gleason coming in to see who he is, 
because this isn't good for business, either, 
guy's lying there as naked as two snakes 
and all of a sudden two cops come in, sec 
him all tied down with his cock ng up 
in the air- So Rita won't let them in. And 
they tell her, ‘OK, then bring the dead 
guy's clothes out and give them to us, and 
we'll leave you alone with this new weirdo 
you got in there.” And Rita thinks this is 
probably the best deal she's gonna get 
from them, so she does it and hands the 
guy’s clothes out to them. 

"They find the wallet," Kiley said. 
“They get on the radio and read the LD. 
off to Wormser. Which is, of course, that 
the dead guy is Steven Audette, who hap- 
pens to be the superintendent of schools in 
Maynardville, docs not live in the Monaco 
apartments and therefore had no good rea- 
son to turn up dead with no clothes on in 
them. The press turds arc naturally inter- 
ested in this, and they arc on Wormser 
now like he was a big tasty dog and they 
were all саз who were really hungry. 

“Wormser does not do what he should 
have done," Kiley said, "which is get 
ahold of me in court and get me back here 
to run this damned thing. Hc is going to 
prove what a valuable man he is. He is 
going to be sure that this is rcally Steven 
Audette that died of a heart attack in 
Rita's pleasure palace. He tells them to 
check the wallet for a motor-vehicle regis- 
tration, and there is one, for Steven 
Audette’s brand-new Chrysler Town & 
Country, and then to check the parking 
lots around the Monaco and see if such a 
car is there. And it is, naturally, a nice 
white new one, in which is sitting Steven 
Audette's mother. Who had been to sce 
her doctor in the Monaco while her son 
was apparently dropping dead in Rita’s 
whorchouse. 

“They find the old lady sitting there in 
the car and they ask her where her son is, 
and she tells them he is in the Monaco sce- 
ing his doctor while she is secing hers. And 
they want no part of telling her what has 
happened to old Steven, of course, so they 
say, ‘Right, Mrs. Audette. Tell you what, 
all right? Your son has been taken ill and 
he's down at the Spellman Hospital, and 
we will take you down there so you can see 
him, OK?" And the old lady is naturally 
upset, but not as upset as she's going to be 
when somebody tells her that her darling 
boy is fucking dead, and that is why they 
are being so smart when they say he is in 
the hospital. So if she takes a fit or some- 
thing when she finds out what really hap- 
pened, there will be lots of doctors and 


nurses around to catch her before she hits 
the deck. 

“They take her down to the Spellman,” 
Kiley said, “and they walk her in there, 
nice and slow, and they put her in the 
chapel, so that she can pray for him. And 
they tell Father Lynch what they think is 
the truth, so he will break it to her gently, 
like those priests know how to do. 

“And he was shit-faced," Kiley said. 
“So he tells them this is no problem, and 
he goes into the chapel where she is kneel- 
ing down and praying and he says to her, 
“Mrs. Audette” And she says, ‘Yes.’ And 
he says, “Your son is dead.’ Like you would 
say to me, ‘Your fly’s open.” And that is 
when she has her attack. 

“So,” Kiley said, “they are feeling rea- 
sonably good that they at least knew 
enough to get her to the hospital before 
this jerk wallops her with the bad news, 
and they call in. And Wormser, by then, 
has been talking to Rita, who has got 
another problem now. Which is that she 
has got a customer and a suit of clothes in 
her apartment which do not go with each 
other, and this nice man named Audette 
docsn't want to start any trouble or any- 
thing that would get his name in the paper 
about his patronizing whorchouses, but it 
looks likc the cops took his clothes and 
would they please bring them back? And 
that is the first clue we get that we may 
have a small problem here.” 

“Wonderful,” the chief said. 


“That is one word for it, maybe,” Kiley 
said. “So, where we stand now, if we do 
have this thing straightened out like we 
think we have, Steven Audette has got his 
own clothes back on, and he is at the Spell- 
man with his mother in intensive care. 
And he does not wish to make any fuss 
about this, even though it obviously has 
not made him happy. When his mother 
wakes up, he will tell her that she must 
have dreamed it when the priest told her 
that her son was dead, and he thinks he 
can get her to believe that. Which means 
that if we can keep this thing reasonably 
quiet, he will probably not sue us. 

“We have got also," Kiley said, “the 
dead guy at Hope Memorial. And we 
should have him identified, like I said, 
before five. There is no foul play there, 
though, so that is no problem. 

“In other words, Chief,” he said, “not 
that I am recommending this as normal 
procedure, but I think we have got this 
whole mess under control now.” 

"Sure we have," the chief sai 
lutely. Unless you count Rita." 

“I don't follow,” Kiley said. 

"You don't?" the chief said. “No, well, 
that should not surprise me. Rita now is as 
sale as if she was in church. Don't you 
understand that, Buster? She is running a 
fucking brothel in the Monaco apart- 
ments, where they don't want such busi- 
nesses. What she's doing is against the 
law. But now we can't stop her, can we? 


Because if that manager calls up and tells 
us we have to grab her, or somebody 
decides that she rolled him while he was in 
there with his pants off, and we go to get 
her, she will look us in the eye and say, 
*Audette. If we arrest her, she will tell 
everybody all about this afternoon. Which 
will mean that Steven Audette then will 
have no reason not to sue us for damned 
near killing his old mother. Which means 
that we can't arrest old Rita now for doing 
anything. Now do you see why I liked it so 
much better when she was doing business 
in the goddamned bowling alley?” 

“Yeah,” Kiley said, "I guess I do.” 

"Good," the chief said forcefully. 
“Now, there is one more thing. You know 
this whore, am I right? And she is pretty 
smart?” 

“More or less,” Kiley said. “More or 
less, I do. She is pretty smart” 

“Good,” the chief said again. “Then 
you ask her for me, just out of curiosity, all 
right? Make it very plain to her, I don’t 
plan to do anything. But ask her, Buster, 
when you see her, she do this on purpose? 
Did she switch those pants on us so that 
this would happen?” 

“Jesus H. Christ," Kiley said, drawing 
in his breath. “You know, I bet she did.” 

“Yeah,” the chicf said, “but you will not 
bet with me. When this broad says the feex 
is in, she is not kidding.” 


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173 


174 


TYPE DIRTY 


(continued from page 105) 


“After all, how many transsexuals do you know who 
own computers? One, two, three at the most, right?” 


the computer salesman. “Feast your eyes 
on this.” He held up a small box glistening 
with virgin shrink wrap. 

“Inside this box is something called a 
modem. With this little number sitting on 
the dash of your computer, you can meet 
chicks.” 

Needless to say, Aaron was intrigued. 
Here, at last, was a truly practical reason 
for buying a computer. A pox on Lotus 
1-2-3! The figures he wanted to manipu- 
late had asset curves far beyond those of 
the ordinary spread sheet. The 1500-c.c. 
roar of the twin Kawasakis was little more 
than a whisper in his memory now. 

Aaron gave the salesman a small plastic 
card and the salesman gave him a com- 
puter and a modem. Aaron rushed home 
to set it all up and, before long, he was on 
line, modem to modem, with a smooth- 
typing lady firefighter named HOTSTUF 
35. A month later, Aaron, who since had 
changed his name to BULGE 151, and 
HOTSTUF, who turned out to be aptly 
named, got it on in a Grand Prix in the 
parking lot of a hardware store. 

. 

What changed our friend Aaron's life— 
and is changing thousands more lives like 
his every day—is a phenomenon known, 
loosely, as computer dating. 

No, this isn't like the agencies that 
sprang up in the late Sixties and Seventies 
that claimed to be able to match you 
with the perfect mate. They offered little 
more than a high-tech blind date. The 
computer was making all the compati 
ity judgments; you were just along for the 
ride. This is something different—a whole 
new way of making the primal connection 
right from the computer terminal in your. 
own home. 

Tt was inevitable, of course, that the 
computer revolution and the sexual revo- 
lution would come together at some point, 
though most scientists had expressed 
doubts. Indced, for a long time, sociolo- 
gists had bcen worried about the aliena- 
tion factor in microcomputing. Thousands 
of people's staring glassy-eyed at CRTs, 
they concluded, was bound to interfere 
with normal social interaction. No interac- 
tion meant no babies. The human race 
was in jeopardy. The great masses of 
people necessary for our lifestyle would 
disappear. First the crowds would go, then 
the audiences, then the spectators. Soon, 
such great institutions as stand-up comedy 
and state fairs would dic. . 

Well, the experts needn’t have been con- 
cerned. The basic drives are alive and well 
in the computer age. My personal studics 
have shown that long hours spent staring 
ata CRT have only a positive effect on my 


libido. In fact, the longer I stare, the morc 
positive the effect. 

So it's not surprising that once it 
became possible for computers to talk to 
one another, most of the conversations 
naturally fell to human concerns, prima- 
rily the alleviation of sexual tension. Man 
does not interface by shiclded cable alone. 

The cost factor helped move thin 
along. In recent times, the price of com- 
puters has dropped sharply. It is now pos- 
sible for almost anyone to join the 
chip-switching brigade for only a few 
Computerbucks. A Computerbuck, for 
those of you who don't own computers, is a 
variable denomination somewhat like a 
betting chip. Its value at any time is deter- 
mined by how much you want a particular 
piece of hardware or software. Hardware 
and software come in discrete multiples of 
$100 bills; hence, the need for a device like 
Computerbucks, which can reduce your 
Cost to practically nothing. Say, for exam- 
ple, you want a modem that costs S600 
and your budget will allow only $400. 
That $200 difference is instantly converted 
to Computerbucks, which you can arbi- 
trarily decide are worth far more to 
you than, say, Foodbucks or cven 
Rentbucks. In the face of such a bargain, 
you buy the modem you want. 

Fully equipped and shorn of only а few 
Computerbucks, thousands began to expe- 
rience the joy of telecomputing. Systems 
were devised to enable these people to 
handle their CRT-induced desires. In thc 
beginning, the systems grew naturally out 
of electronic mail, which itself began as an 
adjunct to data-base systems. A data base 
is simply a large computer crammed with 
information, accessible by way of the 
phone lines using a computer and a mo- 
dem. Somconc discovered that you could 
call a big computer, type a message on the 
system and then someone else, somewhere 
else, could call up the system and read 
the message you left. It was marvelous, it 
was instantaneous, it was anonymous. The 
last was the magic word. People have a 
tendency to let it all hang out when they're 
anonymous. 

No one knows exactly how this got 
started. Rumor has it that late at night, 
when hackers were busy POKEing and 
PEEKing, strange glitches sometimes 
appeared on the screen: 


DO YOU LIKE TO DO IT IN 
THE MORNING OR AT NIGHT 7 


Such a message would take the average 
computer nerd by surprise, but the ranks 
of nerddom have swelled lately to include 
plenty of fully organic and operational 
human specimens, male and female. 


These pioneers, fresh from the singles 
bars, recognize right away the call of the 
broad-breasted puffpecker and reach into 
their bag of clever retorts, put-downs and 
general mating-ritual banter for a suitable 
response: 


WHY 7 CAN'T YOU GET ITUP 
TWICE ADAY? 


Thus, the dance begins. A connection 
has been made. Granted, right now it's 
just a couple of thousand dimly flickering 
lights on a screen. But you're actually talk- 
ing to another person, not a machine. The 
potential is there. 

As luck would have it, there were 
enough people who enjoyed computer 
trysting to spawn many dedicated on-line 
sexually oriented (S.O.) bulletin-board 
systems (B.B.S.). So I fired up my modem 
and took a tour. The first thing I learned 
was that you can’t tell a system by its 
name. 

Take the case of GENDERNET. I ran 
across it while poring over the lists ofhun- 
dreds of B.B.S. that have suddenly sprung 
up out of nowhere. It sounded like just 
what I was looking for: a B.B.S. specifi- 
cally for the netting of the opposite gender. 
I was wrong. GENDERNET turned out to 
be a system for transsexuals and trans- 
vestites. It is not a dating service but bills 
itself as an "information source for the 
transvestite, transsexual, spouse and sup- 
port professional." 

I am quite happy with both my sex and 
my clothing. But a good reporter couldn't 
possibly pass up an operation like that— 
especially when he realized that he was 
witness to an incredible statistic. After all, 
how many transsexuals do you know who 
own computers? One, two, three at the 
most, right? Well, assuming that that's 
about the national average for each person 
(and that some of us know the same trans- 
sexuals), even with the transvestite varia- 
ble (we can't really know who's wearing 
what), there still don't seem to be enough 
transvestite/sexuals cum computers to sup- 
port such a data base. Yet there it was. I 
felt a little like Kevin McCarthy in Inva- 
sion of the Body Snatchers. 

As long as I was on line, I pushed a few 
buttons to bring up the menu. Every data 
base has a menu of possible selections: 
special files, programs, letters, recipes and 
assorted weird items. I chose *ASK THE 
SHRIN an advice column for what 


GENDERNET called T.V.s and T.S.s: 


FROM: SALLY W- 
TO: DEAR COUNSELOR 
SUBJ: SEXUITHAT.V. 

I HAVE BEEN MARRIED TO 
A CLOSET T.V. FOR 15 
YEARS. HE RECENTLY CAME 
OUT TO ME. AND I FIND 
THAT HAVING SEX UITH HIM 
UHILE HE'S WEARING A 
GARTER BELT,» NYLONS AND 
A BRA FILLED WITH QUASI- 
REALISTIC BREASTS IS A 


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REAL TURN-ON« AND ШЕ 
HAVE GREAT SEX WUHILE 
HE'S DRESSED LIKE THAT. 
LATELY. I'VE BEEN FEEL- 
ING A LITTLE GUILTY 
ABOUT THE WAY HIS SEXUAL 
ATTIRE TURNS ME ON. AM I 
UNUSUAL 7 I MEAN THAT HIS 
DRESSING LIKE THAT COULD 
AFFECT ME SO. ALSO. WE 
HAVE ORAL SEX QUITE 
OFTEN NOU AND THAT'S 
SOMETHING UE NEVER DID 
BEFORE. I'M NOT SURE 
UHICH OF US INITIATED 
THIS NEU STYLE. BUT I 
LIKE IT AND SO DOES 
HE—BOTH THE GIVING AND 
RECEIVING. I DON'T MEAN 
THAT WE DON'T HAVE REG- 
ULAR SEX ANYMORE: ШЕ 
DO- BUT THE ORAL SEX IS 
GREAT FOR ME AND UE USU- 
ALLY END OUR SESSION 
EUM "OLD-FASHIONED" 
Хх. 


FROM: DEAR COUNSELOR 

TO: SALLY U- 

SUBJ: SEXUITHAT-V- 
YOU ARE EVERY T.V.'S 
FANTASY- PLEASE DON'T 
UORRY ABOUT YOUR SEX 
LIFE UITH HIM IF YOU ARE 
BOTH ENJOYING IT. AND IT 
SOUNDS LIKE YOU ARE. 
THERE IS NOTHING AB- 
NORMAL ABOUT ANY SEXUAL 
ACTIVITY DONE BY CON- 
SENTING ADULTS IN 
PRIVATE- IN ANSWER TO 
YOUR QUESTION REGARD- 
ING WHETHER YOU ARE UN- 
USUAL—UELL ¬ YES. YOU'RE 
PROBABLY IN A MINOR- 
ITY. IT'S TOO BAD MORE 
WIVES DON'T SHARE YOUR 
IMAGINATION AND LOVE. 
ENJOY- 


Frankly, I had expected a more percep- 
tive answer from Dear Counselor. Doesn't 
he/she realize that Sally is in the majority: 
women who can recognize a good thing 
when they see one? What’s got Sally 
knocked out over T.V.ism is the oral sex 
that's been coming along with it. Sim- 
ple Pavlovian theory says that every time 
Sally sees her mate in high heels, she 
knows she's going to get her bell rung. It's 
a wonder she doesn't blow the grocery 


moncy on pumps for Prince Charming. 


While all this may provide you and me 
with a chance to second guess the prob- 
lems of strangers, apparently a real need is 
before 
GENDERNET, there was no place a 
computing cross dresser could turn for 
advice—and certainly his long-suffering 
wife was up the creek. The brave new 
world of computerized sexual frankness 
has opened electronic inroads to all sorts 


being served bere. After all, 


of communities. 


Let's say, for instance, you're a nudist 
and your friend is a swinger. You want to 
get in touch with other nudists and swing- 
ers around the country. You and your 
friend have only a quarter between you 
What do you do? You call ODYSSEY II 

If the folks on GENDERNET scem to 
have only questions about their sexuality, 
the folks at ODYSSEY II have only 
answers. You say you like skinny-dipping 
in the open air? ODYSSEY II can line you 
up with the nearest clover-decked meadow 
and enough fellow knickerphobes for a 
Maypole dance. Or maybe you'd just like 
toget together with another nice couple for 
a little sushi and four-way sex. No prob- 
lem. 

In the growing (it seems) tradition of 
sexual B.B.S., ODYSSEY II has married 
two heretofore unrelated sexual proclivi- 
ties. (Presumably, we will soon have the 
foot fetishists and the fellators banded 


together on the HOOFNMOUTH net- 
work, while the onanists and the heavy 
breathers chat on the VIBRAPHONE cir- 
cuit.) What it has going for it is a fair 
amount of style. You pay a fee for member- 
ship, wait a few days and you are sent a 
password and a handsomely prepared 
user's manual. All the information about 
you is coded so no one knows who you 
really are, The messages on ODYSSEY 


II's board are frank and to the point: 


SUB-> CHICAGO ACTION 
FROM—> FRED G-u512 45b 

LOOKING FOR ACTION IN 
THE MIDWEST. SEX WITHMEN 
AND ШОМЕМ. АМ ЗЧ AND READY 
WITH COCK- LEAVE E-MAIL 
TO 45b 


SUB-» CO/NEEDS MISTRESS 


FROM-> KENB-454S #45 
W/MALE NEEDS MISTRESS 


“Now will you have a vasectomy?” 


175 


PLAYBOY 


176 


TO TRAIN HIM TO BE A 
SLAVE- UILL OBEY EVERY 
WISH AND COMMAND. SERVE 
TO PLEASE. CAN TRAVEL- 
LEAVE E-MAIL TO £u5 


SUB-> HAWAII. ANYONE ? 
FRON-> ROBERT P- 8457 #85 

MATURE 44? BUT LOOK 
37}, SINGLE. SUCCESS- 
FUL DENVER BUSINESSMAN 
ENJOYS 6000 FOOD. UINE: 
MUSIC» GOLF AND THE FINER 
THINGS IN LIFE. DESIRES 
FEMALE TRAVELING COM- 
PANION FOR TRIP TO HAWAII 
LATE MAY OR EARLY JUNE- 
OBJECT: SUN» SURF AND SEX 
{MAYBE A LITTLE GOLF} 
ALL EXPENSES PAID. I'M 
JUST LONELY AND TIRED OF 
PLAYING THE SINGLES 
GAME- ONLY REQUIREMENT 
IS THAT UE BE COMPATIBLE 
AND MEET BEFOREHAND TO 
ASCERTAIN SAME. NOTHING 
KINKY- LEAVE E-MAIL TO 
#85 


Propositions here run the gamut from 
hot-tubbing parties to what one user 
described as a “tropical snorkeling adven- 
ture with optional sex.” 

. 

It occurs to me that І may have been 
leading you to believe that all this com- 
puter phone cruising is a simple matter. It 
is not. At times, it is every bit as frustrat- 
ing as the ordinary round of bar hopping. 
The pitfalls are many. To begin with, 
there is the computer itself. Most of those 
on the market are so new—and so new to 
their owners—that smooth modeming is 
out of the question. I have discovered that 
factories actually send you only every 
other page ofan instruction manual. They 
keep the rest to read to you when you call 
them for help. This is known as technical 
support. 

Familiarity with your hardware is essen- 
tial. If you're going to try chatting up some 
of the girls on these lines, you'd better 
know how to snap vour keys. No female 
hacker worth her code name is going to sit 
around waiting for you to dope out your 
owner’s manual so you can answer her 
proposition. Life's too short, and tele- 
phone time is money. 

Besides the modem, you also have to 
learn how to operate your communica- 
tions program. A proper program is char- 
acterized by almost total convolution. To 
achieve a parallel, therefore, the instruc- 
tions must be undecipherable. The 
instructions for my program, one of the 
simplest, run a full 15 pages. The program 
contains six primary options, 13 secondary 
options and ten tertiary options, each rep- 
resented by combinations of one, two or 
three alphabetic characters. There are 
three uses for the letter T alone. All ofthis 


must be committed to memory. 

Every B.B.S. has its own protocols and 
signals as well. You're subjected to endless 
troductions and bulletins and menus 
and lists of commands. There is no sense 
in trying to memorize these, since they will 
change with the next B.B.S. Commands, 
incidentally, are one-, two- or three-letter 
codes, Ik ths. Aftr a whl u strt 2 thnk Ik tht. 

Another significant problem is that 
most of these boards are run by a single 
person on a single computer with a single 
telephone line. Indeed, anybody with a 
low-cost computer and a modem, plus a 
B.BS. program, can start his own sex-talk 
circuit. The maintenance costs are practi- 
cally nil (just a few Computerbucks), since. 
you never call out; other people always 
call in. The drawbacks are that you have 
to maintain your system and you cannot 
use your computer or your phone line 
while your B.B.S. is in operation. 

The consequence to the user of this kind 
of home-owned utility is that he can try for 
weeks to get on a system only to find that 
he has to apply for a password. Or that the 
system is just for gay carpenters. Or that 
the flesh pool is so shallow that he can’t 
get a good match-up. Or that the board is 
simply boring. 

The person who runs the B.B.S. is 
called a sysop, a truncated form of system 
operator. It can be fun being a sysop, espe- 
cially if you like soap opera. You see, the 
sysop gets to sit in front of the terminal 
where all the action scrolls past. He can 
read anything you type in and everything 
your addressee writes back. He has unlim- 
ited power over the board. If he doesn't 
like your style, it’s a simple matter for him 
to erase your name and password from 
memory. If you’re the sysop on a good 
board, it’s better than daytime TV. 

I talked with a sysop on a good board 
called the SYSLAVE network. The 
SYSLAVE network is known as the kinki- 
est in L.A., a city where such a distinction 
rightly evokes awe. The B.B.S. is called 
SYSLAVE because the sysops are slaves to 
their systems. Heh, heh. 

Our sysop, SYSLAVE #27, had some 
interesting statistics to offer. For instance, 
the odds. The board, at the time I talked 
with him, had 250 users, and only 25 were 
women. Now, unless we're talking very 
healthy women here, your chances of mak- 
ing a score are about equal to those of the 
guys in San Quentin. SYSLAVE #27 
claimed that usage of the system increased. 
at certain times: for example, after Christ- 
mas, when everybody got a new computer. 
Considering some of the text found on this 
B.B.S., one might also suspect full moons 
and low tides 

There are actually seven boards in the 
entire network, including SYSLAVE 
500, which is more or less hetero, BAR- 
RACKS, which is heavily gay, FRATER- 
NITY, which is light gay, and LEATHER 
AND LACE East and West, which I felt it 
prudent not to ask about. All of these are 
naughty-naughty boards. If you're into 


candlelight and romance and nonacces- 
sorized lovemaking, yowll feel like a 
brown shoe here. 

SYSLAVE #27 says he watches the 
action whenever he can, and no wonder. If 
you think Dynasty is hot, you should try 
the participatory drama unfolding on the 
B.B.S 

"I remember once we started getting 
calls from a woman in Atlanta named 
PEACH 451,” he says. “She began to cor- 
respond with a Los Angeles woman named 
MOM 125. 

“After talking with her for a while on 
the B.B.S., MOM invited PEACH out for 
2 visit. Well, when Peach arrived, MOM 
was out on a date and PEACH decided to 
take a stroll on Hollywood Boulevard. 
PEACH, apparently, had a penchant for 


suggestive—well, hooker-type—clothes, 
and, of course, she was immediately 
arrested for prostitution. Eventually, 


MOM had to go down and bail PEACH. 
out. They got to be great friends, and they. 
still talk about the party they had in the 
old firehouse when PEACH would climb 
to the top of the firepole and slide down 
onto a waiting face at the bottom, Her 
thighs were chapped for weeks.” 

Lam sure that PEACH and MOM could 
be great fun. But to me, firepole antics do 
not spell meaningful relationship. I went 
in search of something a little less Barnum 
& Bailey. I found Marc the Martian's 
Mixed-up Matching and Message 
Machine. 

MMMMMMAI, as it is designated, is 
typical of the mainstream computer meat 
markets. You begin with a questionnaire 
calculated to reveal to all who access it 
much more than you would tell a perfect 
stranger at any meeting. Sure, exaggera- 
tion is possible; so is lying. But if you want 
to get a righteous match-up, you're almost 
compelled to answer in total honesty. Gar- 
bage in, garbage out, as they say. Most of 
these questionnaires go on for much longer 
than the average college-entrance exam, so 
Гуе selected a few choice queries just to 
give you an idea of what you're up against. 
What, for instance, would your answers 
be to: 


HOU UOULD OTHERS RATE 
YOUR APPEARANCE Т 

A. AFOX! 

B. VERY ATTRACTIVE 

C- GOOD-LOOKING 

D. AVERAGE 

E- NOT TOO BAD 

F- GET THE BAG 

G- MY MOTHER LOVES ME! 


WHEN HAVING SEX. І TEND 
TOBE 

A- GENTLE 

B. ANANIMAL 

C- IT DEPENDS ON THE 
PERSON 

D- DOMINANT 

E. SUBMISSIVE 

F. ANY OF THE ABOVE, 


“Here in my country, everyone is for the woman’s movement. 


177 


PLAYBOY 


DEPENDING ONMY MOOD 
G. WHO. МЕ ? SEX? 


HAVE A QUESTION „ee Bo YOU FEEL ABOUT 
ABOUT YOUR SUBSCRIPTION? ОЕШ rh ВЕ таке 


B.NOT FOR МЕ... OK FOR 


PLAYBOY SUBSCRIBER SERVICE is ready to help. If you are a OTHERS 
PLAYBOY subscriber and you have a question or problem concern- C.0K FOR ME---NOT OK 
ing your subscription. . . write to PLAYBOY SUBSCRIBER SERVICE. FOROTHERS 
It's the best way to get help quickly and D. MODERATE USE IS OK 
efficiently —whether you want to report an E.RECREATIONAL USE EN- 
address change, missed issue, mis- HANCESLIFE 
spelled name or whatever. F. ILOVE GETTING HIGH 
As soon as your leiter is re- G.I NEED THEM TO GET 
ceived (clearly stating the problem), THROUGH THE DAY 
a representative will see that 
you get a prompt answer. Be- WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING 
cause we need to check the FOR ON THIS SYSTEN 7 
problem thoroughly, it will usually А. NOT LOOKING FOR 
take six to eight weeks. You can ANYONE - - - JUST ENJOYING 
help by including your mailing THE SYSTEM 
label (on the wrapper PLAYBOY B- I AM LOOKING FOR AN 
is mailed in) with your letter. ELECTRONIC PEN PAL 
The PLAYBOY SUBSCRIBER RSs C. I AM LOOKING FOR 
SERVICE is one more way i FRIENDS 
PLAYBOY provides you with full y D. I AM LOOKING FOR 
enjoyment of your subscription! SOMEONE TO DATE 
р Е. I AM LOOKING FOR AN 
ES VERA oR 
BATITA KING F A 
PLAYBOY SUBSCRIBER SERVICE PERMANENT LOVER 
P.O. Box 2420 \ G. I AM LOOKING FOR A 
Boulder, CO 80322-1679 \ SPOUSE 


H. I AM LOOKING FOR 
SOMEONE TO HAVE AN AFFAIR 


uv Uc SEDE 
YOUR ADDRESS? | Yun 


Mailing Label or OLD Address Here: may be, they are not the moment of truth. 
That comes when you ask the computer to 


= = s 
= " make you a match. Depending on how 
= Ц bizarre your tastes are, some systems may 
š L| not be able to match you at all. Others can 
2 L] come up with a few low-percentage 
š L| matches. That means that your answers 
= n E will match someone else’s somewhere 
= А around 30 percent of the time. You can, by 
Chase yourdack Daniels . comparison, achieve a 35 percent match- 
d n m up at the Trailways station. 
the good old-fashioned way ; Era ed ded jenen 
Our Jack Daniel's Chaser Jigger makes a reach the high 50s, 60s, even 70s, and you 
for some smooth drinking and delightful know there are good times ahead. 
conversation! Pour your chaser in the bottom. 4 4 Ў i H 
Then ease in the Jack Daniel's... it floats. MMMM provided, И nor quality, 
Take a sip. You taste your Jack Daniel's first the largest quantity of match-ups I 
sha ther you neta bit casey to ash encountered. It spit out 25 names ranging 
all down. 3-2” tall with a 4-V oz. capacity, Thar. 
just $7.50. (Item #33021.) from 34 percent to 87 percent. That's 25 
Send check, money order or use American women with computers—and tantaliz- 
Express, Diners Club, VISA, or MasterCard, ü ri 1 slots—to who! 
Incluce all numbers and signature, Add EEG FR ODI mal а ласо en 
$2.75 per order for shipping and handling NEW Address Here: 1 could, if I were so inclined, drop a line 
(plus 734% sales tax for TN delivery.) and, in all probability, get an answer back. 


Mail to Lynchburgor call toll-free name z = (please print) 


1-800-251-8600 


8:00 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. (CST) M-F. address 


1 don't know what your black book is like, 

but that's considerably more women than 

are in my active file. I chose a few high 

= = я numbers and called up their question- 

maires, selecting the option “answers 

Lay mail to: PLAYBOY only." My first choice was COUGAR, an‏ و ا قا 
50A Main Street, Lynchburg, TN 37352 [GMB a ET TREE NEED incredible 87 percent match:‏ 


=> COUGAR 

—» MANHATTAN BEACH 

=> СА 

=> 19 YEARS OLD 
->115POUNDS 

=> 5 FEET& INCHES TALL 


=> TIMES CALLED: З 

—> OPEN MAIL SLOTS: З 

=>LAST CALLED ABOUT 4 
DAYS AGO 

—> YOU MATCHED UP 87% 


=> FEMALE 

=>REDEYES 

=> BROWN HAIR 

=> NEVER MARRIED 

=> WHITE 

=> SOME COLLEGE OR TECH- 
NICAL SCHOOL 

=>KIDS—NO! {THANK GOD!} 

=> YES. ANOTHER BRAND OF 
PERSONAL COMPUTER 

=> GOOD-LOOKING 


=>IT DEPENDS ON THE 
PEOPLE INVOLVED 

=> DRAMA/SUSPENSE 

=> PSYCHOTIC/IN NEED OF 
PROFESSIONAL HELP 


=> ANY OF THE ABOVE, DE- 
PENDING ON MY MOOD 

=>RECREATIONAL USE EN- 
HANCES LIFE 

=> I LIKE SPORTS. BUT I'M 
NOT A FANATIC 

=> WATCHING RICHARD SIM- 
MONS MAKES ME TIRED 

=> SMOKE CIGARETTES AND 
POT 

=>I LIKE A DRINK NOW AND 
THEN 

=> STAYING HOME IN FRONT 
OF THE FIREPLACE W/ 
MUSIC 

=>I AM LOOKING FOR MORE 
THAN ONE OF THE ABOVE 

=>ROCK NEW WAVE, CLAS- 
SICAL, PUNK; JAZZ 
RHYTHM-AND-BLUES+ 
OPERA SOUL 

=>CREATIVE WRITING, 
PHOTOGRAPHY» STEREO/ 
VIDEO, MOVIES/ THEA- 
TER» TRAVEL, CAMPING/ 
HIKING: SAILING, SCU- 
BA DIVING/ SWIMMING 


You've got to be slightly intrigued by 
someone who says she has red eyes. I took 
the answer “Psychotic/in need of profes- 
sional help" to be probably the most 
truthful choice for anybody on the circuit, 
but COUGAR probably meant it to be 
cute. The most telling answer is the mys- 
terious entry "another brand of com- 
puter." When you figure that there arc 
more than ten major, high-consumer- 
profile computers listed and she has 
"another brand,” you have to assume you 
are dealing with a rebel. I made a note to 
keep COUGAR in mind for when I'm 


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PLAYBOY 


180 


feeling wild and crazy. 

What I was really interested in, though, 
was finding someone who could tell me 
what it was like to be electronically wooed, 
as opposed to the old hands-on method. 
No one sexually active for less than four 
years could tell you that. That's why I was 
happy to run into VIXEN. At the age of 
40, she could remember when men and 
women sought each other's physical com- 
pany for a date. With 21 calls, VIXEN 
was also a veteran of the B.B.S. If you 
went to the same bar 21 times, you'd be 
entitled to your own stool. On a computer 
system, they might give you an extra 
E-mail slot. Thanks to the miracles of 
modern science, I don't even have to 
describe VIXEN to you. I can just punch 
a few keys and call up her stats: 


=> VIXEN 

=> LOS ANGELES 

=> СА 

=> ЧО YEARS OLD 

-» 112 POUNDS 

=> SFEET 3 INCHES TALL 


=> TIMES CALLED: 21 

=> OPEN MAIL SLOTS: 1 

=>LAST CALLED ABOUT 5 
DAYS AGO 

=> YOU MATCHED UP b2% 


=> FEMALE 

EYES OF BLUE 

BROUNHAIR 

NEVER MARRIED 

UHITE 

=> SOME COLLEGE OR TECH- 
NICAL SCHOOL 

=> KIDS—YES AND ONE 

YES, ATARI 

AFOX! 

=> BOTH SHOULD BE FAITH- 
FUL 

=> DRAMA/SUSPENSE 

=> GREGARIOUS/I'D SMILE 
MY UAY TO THE TOP 

-»IT DEPENDS ON THE 

PERSON 

MODERATE USE IS OK 

=> ILIKE SPORTS, BUT I'M 
NOTAFANATIC 

=> YES. I JOG/WORK OUT 
OCCASIONALLY 

=>SMOKE CIGARETTES AND 
POT 

=> I LIKE A DRINK NOU AND 

THEN 

LONG INTIMATE DINNERS 

=> I AM LOOKING FOR MORE 
THAN ONE OF THE ABOVE 

=> ROCK. RHYTHM-AND- 
BLUES. NEU WAVE, TOP 
4O,COUNTRY-AND-WEST- 
ERN; CLASSICAL; JAZZ 

=> SKIING SNOW/WATER+ 

DANCING SPORTS -АЕКО- 

BICS/WEIGHT TRAINING, 


ELECTRONICS / COMPUT- 
ERS- STEREO/ VIDEO 


When I finally talked with VIXE 
was not so much a revelation as a confir- 
mation of the potential of the computer 
dating systems. As a single mother and a 
free-lance writer, both time- and energy- 
consuming occupations, she was the kind 
of person who could take full advantage of 
remote-control flirting. And she did. Not 
only that, but she seemed to like it —even 
prefer it. Her handle, she said, appeared 
on a number of systems, and she had been 
corresponding regularly with several men 
around the country. Naturally, I won- 
dered why she had taken to this new form 
with such enthusiasm. 

“1 like it because it’s a level of commu- 
nication that I haven't experienced before 
and because it's also very new. As a writer, 
1 feel I have an advantage. I can put the 
right words together. For instance, I tried 
to pick a good handle, one that would 
arouse curiosity. I tend to communicate a 
lot with other writers. It's natural, because 
they'll be sitting using their computers as 
word processors and then they'll need to 
play hooky for a while, so they'll just 
switch over to telecommunications. 

“Particularly when I’m working a lot, I 
don’t have time to go out and circulate. 
This is a way of meeting people without 
even going out. It's very intimate in a 
strange way. People feel safer with technol- 
ogy than they do with each other. I don’t 
have any anxieties about talking to a 
stranger, because I have time to compose 
myself and decide what my opening shots 
going to be. There’s no chance I’m going 
to get nervous and spill my drink down 
somebody’s Pierre Cardin. I don’t even 
have to get dressed up!” 

hats one improvement over singles 
bars, but what about the reliability of the 
person on the other end of the line? Are 
people more truthful sitting at a computer 
terminal than they are sitting at a bar? 

“I'm honest when I answer the ques- 
tions," VIXEN said, “but I find that a lot 
of people aren't. Most of them lie about 
three areas, basically: their weight, their 
age and their marital status. For instance, a 
man will log on as a single and actually be 
married. lt often happens that someone 
will write to me and I'll look up his ques- 
tionnaire and it will say MARRIED BUT 
AVAILABLE, which is one of the choices 
you have. About 20 to 25 percent of my mail 
is from men who are MARRIED BUT 
AVAILABLE. I think its great if they 
want to call up and talk but not if they want 
to тесі. 

“I also find there is a tendency to be 
very honest in the so-called private corre- 
spondence on the board. You do get to 
know people at a certain level of intimacy.” 

And what makes that honesty and that 
intimacy possible between strangers? 

“There's no threat, there's no chance of 
face-to-face rejection. If I have to tell 


somebody, ‘No, I’m not interested in a 
relationship with someone — who's 
attached, he doesn't have to hear that 
from my mouth, so it makes it a little eas- 
ier to be honest.” 

It's unclear at this point what effect the 
introduction of honesty into male-female 
relationships will have. It’s certainly revo- 
lutionary; but, as usual, nobody has stud- 
ied the long-term effects. We may find that 
it’s destructive. In a way, for example, it 
allows people to be more callous in the 
conduct of their social life. On the other 
hand, a certain forthrightness may be wel- 
come. What does seem to be happening is 
that roles are becoming equal. Words on a 
CRT have no gender. Traditional bowing 
and curtsying is at best awkward and 
strangely out of place in the formal, hard- 
logic environment of the computer. There 
is, for some, a tendency to come on strong. 

“Гуе experimented with the degree of 
aggressiveness I can get away with,” 
VIXEN admitted, “as well as ways of 
dealing with men’s aggressiveness, the 
kind that always made me feel vulnerable 
and uncertain. There are a lot of men who 
will log in and their first letter reads, Let's 
do it.’ Now, I don't know what their suc- 
cess rate is, but I feel that people would try 
that a lot quicker on the computer than in 
a bar. In other words, they can experiment 
with that kind of come-on to see what the 
reaction will be. But basically, most men 
have their acts together about how to 
approach a lady. 

“Just recently, Гуе been corresponding 
with a man who’s a gourmet cook and a 
hypnotist. I told him to send me his latest 
low-cal recipe and he sent me one for gar- 
lic chicken. I sent him one back for 
gazpacho. Now we're negotiating about a 
glazed roast duck.” 

That certainly is a back-door approach. 
I haven't run into the old low-cal-recipe 
ploy in quite a while. But the question is, 
When do you graduate from gazpacho to 
coochie-coochie? 

“J like these relationships to take weeks 
or even months before I meet the person. 
This guy might be interesting. He’s more 
my age. I get a lot of letters from 20-year- 
olds who are ‘into older women . . . can't 
wait to get together . . . you won't be 
sorry . . "—that line. 

“T usually delay the meeting as long as 
possible. If Pve been writing with a guy 
for a while and he says, ‘Listen, I really 
want to meet you. | think Гуе proved that 
Tm not an ax murderer or anything. 
Please, please have lunch with mel of 
course, I have to consider it. But you know 
way before the meeting if the chemistry 
will work.” 

"This time-frame expansion is an inter- 
esting idea, especially to those of us who 
have a tendency to rush into relationships 
headfirst. “Ап inability to postpone grati- 
fication” is the way the psychologists 


describe it, as though it were a dysfunc- 
tion. But how do you get the fires burning 
with this well-tempered woo pitching? Is it 
possible to turn a girl on simply by tickling 
her bits? 

VIXEN found out it was. 

“One time, I was left a very long and 
explicit letter by a guy who claimed to be 
an 18-year-old surfer and who, it turned 
out, wasn’t. And although I was offended, 
because I had been played along, I did get 
off. 1 read it and 1 was aroused. I've found 
it to be astonishingly stimulating to read 
sexually explicit text on the computer. 1 
printed out that letter and saved it,” 

B 

So what is the compctition like on these 
boards? Does an average guy have a 
chance with a girl whose weekly E-mail 
approaches 60K? Surprise! The meek are 
inheriting the phone lincs. The grcat 
equalizer is no longer the Colt 45. Now, if 
you'te fast on the keyboard, you can make 
the Eighties woman swoon. You can catch 
an eye with a deftly placed ellipsis or raise 
goose bumps with a sensuous comma— 
and all well before thc lady even knows 
what you look like. Bulging muscles or 
even a bulging fly simply will not com- 
pute. If the merchandise isn't on the top 
floor, milady will quickly shop elsewhere. 

“Most of the original people on these 
boards were computer-oriented,” VIXEN 
said, “but recently, there have been a lot of 
new people who aren't part of that clique 
of technocrats. Now you have people with 
much broader interests 

“You get into those interests rather than 
concentrating on the usual surface cle- 
ments of a person. The result is that 1 
started to date a guy I never would have 
looked at twice because to me, physical 
appearance has always meant a lot; 1 
mean, he wouldn't have had a shot! I find 
I'm more willing to suspend that now that 
we've gotten close over the computer lines. 
Now I can just enjoy a person-to-person 
relationship with him.” 

Best of all, on a dating-system board, 
your persona can be changed as casily as 
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the desired results, a change in one answer 
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to turn your luck—an advantage VIXEN 
is not loath to exploit. 

“I once had on my stats that I liked 
‘health food’ but I kept getting guys who 
wanted to take me to health-food restau- 
rants. I love health food, but I hate the 
restaurants. So I changed it to ‘French.’ ” 

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181 


PLAYBOY 


182 


LONELY SILVER RAIN 


(continued from page 130) 


“T had detected no uncertainty in her. I felt that 
maybe the gamble had failed and I had lost her.” 


believed the world was mad. A loving per- 
son. Her mind and her speech went olf at 
funny tangents. It made some people irri- 
table. Not me.” 

Oh, no. Certainly not you!” 

Kid. Jean. I am talking about your 
mother, and you never got to know her. 
Maybe you want to know a little bit about 
her.” 

“Not from you!” 

"She was with me for a few months. She 
stayed aboard this houseboat with me. I 
was involved in something at the time. A 
friend of mine had been killed. Tush 
Bannon. Some people wanted his land. In 
the process of finding out who killed him 
and why, some other people got killed or 
got badly hurt. Puss was especially good 
with Janine, Tush's widow. Sometimes she 
would . . . go off somewhere inside herself, 
out of touch. It seemed odd. Meyer—he's 
my best friend —" 

“T know." 

“Не noticed it, too. We talked about it, 
and we decided it was probably something 
about her divorce." 

“What divorce? 
divorced." 

“So I found out.” 

She stood up. “What's the point of all 
this? You'd lie to me. You lied to her. You'd. 
lie to anybody, wouldn't you? After I 
watched you walk by me on the beach, I 
knew you were my father. I was hoping 
you weren't. I can't make you sorry, 
because you haven't got any conscience at 
all. And that is giving me some pretty 
wonderful thoughts about my heredity, 
Dad. Sorry I went to all the trouble. You 
aren't even worth that much. You are so 
smooth and plausible, you make me sick. 
You worked a scam on her, but it won't 
work on me.” 


She was never 


“Tt nourishes me." 
"I have a farewell letter from your 


“Do you hate her so much you don’t 
even want to read i?” 

“I never said I hated her!” 

“What is your opinion of her?” 

“OK, I guess she wasn’t very smart 
about people. Why should I tell you my 
opinion of her 

“I want to know why you arc afraid to 
read her letter to me.” 

“Afraid? Bullshit! Let me see it.” 

“It’s one of the few things in my life 
worth keeping in a safe-deposit box.” 

w liber: 

“The bank is closed. It will open Mon- 


day morning at ten. I don’t want you to 
think I have any possible way of tricking 
you. I had no idea you existed, so I 
couldn't have faked a letter in expectation 
you'd show up someday.” 1 wrote the 
name and address of the bank on a slip 
of paper. “Meet me there at ten in the 
morning.” 

“I don't want to meet you anywhere, 
ever.” 

I took the chance. “OK. Then don’t 
bother. I'll be there in case you change 
your mind. In case you decide it might be 
hice to know something more about your 
mother than you do. It'll be a better check 
on your heredity, kid. Now get out 
"Tomorrow you may grow up a little, and 
when you do, then ГЇЇ want to talk to you. 
But not now, not the way you are now. 
Good night." 

I matched her flat and level stare until 
she spun and left. I had detected no uncer- 
tainty in her. I felt that maybe the gamble. 
had failed and I had lost her. I went out 
slowly and saw her, far down the pier, 
walking swiftly under the dock lights. 

I wanted to tell Meyer, but not yet. Not 
now. I didn’t want to tell anybody while 
I was still trying to comprehend what 
had happened to me. I saw the cat she 
had been trying to leave. It had been flat- 
tened in our little fracas. I straightened it 
out, went in and put it with the others. 

I could recall every plane and texture of 
her face, recall the timbre of her voice, the 
style of her movements—all in sweetly 
excruciating detail. Some strange mecha- 
nism in my head was projecting color 
slides of all the familiar parts of my life. I 
seemed to hear the click as cach slide fell 
into place. Everything familiar had 
assumed a different shape, sharper out- 
lines, purer kind of color. It seemed very 
much to me like the strangeness that hap- 
pens after you have spent weeks in a hospi- 
tal, when you come back out again into the 
world, seing everything fresh—a stop 
light, a brown dog, a yellow bus. Some- 
thing has changed the world and washed it 
clean. 

I paced the lounge and paced the sun 
deck half the night, thinking about her, 
wondering if she would be there. 1 knew 
she had to be there. H Puss and I had 
given her anything at all, it would be a 
sense of fairness. 

When the hard winds of change blow 
through your life, they blow away a lot of 
structures you thought permanent, expos- 
ing what you thought was trivia, buried 
and forgotten. The sweet, soft taste of the 
side of the throat of Puss Killian. The 


rough and husky edge of her voice as her. 
laughter stopped. The small things are 
lasting things. 

Monday came in with a hard winter 
rain and a steady wind. I awoke with the 
conviction that I would never sce Jean 
again. She was half real and half imag- 
ined. I was too restless to have anything. 
but coffee, too edgy to keep my attention 
on any small manufactured boat chore. 
Wind tilted and creaked the houseboat 
again and again. 

Finally, Í put on foul-weather gear, a 
complete set, with hood, in the electric 
orange-red of the gloves and flags they 
wave at you at road-construction sites. It is 
useful when anyone falls overboard in 
heavy weather, to become the only dot of 
color in a steep, gray, surging world. 

I started walking so early that I was at 
the bank by 9:15, and 1 knew that if I tried 
to just stand there and wait, I would be 
maniacal by ten o'dock. So I went striding 
past the bank and kept walking for a mcas- 
ured 23 minutes. A mile and something. 
"Turned on the mark and went back, but 
got to the bank at five of ten. Had I found 
shelter in the entrance, І wouldn't have 
been able to see her coming. So I stood out 
in the rz It made such a deafening clat- 
ter against the crisp plastic of the hood 
that I could not hear the traffic sounds. I 
kept turning my head like a man at a ten- 
nis match, because I did not know from 
which direction she would arrive. 

"Ten o'clock. Five after. Ten after. And I 
knew ithad been a bad gamble. From the 
two of us she would have gotten an 
unforgiving stubbornness, stronger than 
the sense of fair play. The rain was heav- 
ier. It bounced high off the asphalt, an 
eight-inch curtain fringe of loncly silver 
rain. I could stand there until it ended and 
nothing would change. 

She came moments later at a hard run, 
with a transparent raincoat over her 
sweater and jeans, her hair tucked into a. 
shower cap. Her face looked set and pallid, 
her lips almost colorless. We went in and 
stood over at one side, dripping onto the 
bank's giant rug. I pushed my hood back 
and she pulled her shower cap off and 
shook her hair out. 

o we play your game, Mr. McGee, 
whatever it is.” 

“I was beginning to think you wouldn't 
show.” 

“I nearly didn’t.” 

“Where are you staying?” 

“What's that got to do with anything?” 

“J guess it was social conversation.” 

"Don't waste it on me.” 

So she walked with me back to the 
vault arca, where I signed the card and 
gave the tall black attendant my key. She 
buzzed the gate open and we followed her 
back to the aisle where my box was. I 
pulled it out and took it to one of the little 
rooms where people clip their coupons and 
closed the door. There were two ch; 


ONY 
Qr. SDAA 


“Who says they don't make "em anymore like they used to?” 


PLAYBOY 


184 


front of the countertop, a lamp with a 
green shade, scissors on a chain. 

Before I opened the box, I took off the 
rain jacket and pushed my sleeves up. I 
showed her that my hands were empty, 
then opened the box lid and reached in 
and took out the letters, took Puss's from 
the thin stack and handed it to her. Then I 
told her to wait a moment. I took some 
other things out of the box and said, as I 
showed them to her, “This is a picture of 
your paternal grandfather standing beside 
his automobile long ago. It is an Essex. 
This is a picture of your paternal grand- 
mother sitting on the steps of a vacation 
cottage on a lake you never heard of. This 
is your uncle, who died young. And this is 
a picture of ycur mother." 

She had been feigning indifference until 
I showed her Puss's picture. She took it 
from me and read the inscription aloud, 
"Chocolate peanut-butter love." She 
looked at me questioningly. 

“A private joke.” 

“She was lovely, really lovely!” 

“Now, if you wouldn't mind reading the 
letter aloud? Careful unfolding it. The 
paper has cracked in a couple of places.” 

“Why should I read it aloud?" 

“Because your voice quality is a lot like 
hers." 

Sheshrugged, unfolded it, began reading. 


Old dear darling, I said one time 
that I would write it down to get it 
straight for you, and so I have and 
even had the eerie idea you might be 
able to read all the words between the 
words. The name was right. I lied 
about that. But the town wasn't, and 
Chicago isn't the town, either. And 
there was no divorce. And I love Paul 
very dearly and have all along, and. 
love you, too, but not quite as much. 


That lousy Meyer and his lousy law. 
Get a pretty girl to kiss Old Ugly and. 
tell him he was absolutely right. You 
see, my dear, about six months before 
you met me on the beach with that 
living pincushion stuck into the sole of 
my foot, they took a little monster out 
of my head, maybe as big as an 
English walnut, almost, and with 
three stumpy little legs, like a spider. 
Half a spider. And the men in white 
dug around in my head to try to find 
every little morsel of the beast, 
because he turned out to be the bad 
kind. So. . . I got over confusions and 
got my memory all straightened out 
again, and my hair grew back, and I 
pinned an old buddy of mine to the 
wall of his office and he leveled, 
because he has known me long 
enough to know I have enough saw- 
dust to keep me solid. His guess was 
one chance out of 50. No treatments 
possible. Just go off and gct checked 
every so often, bright lights in the 
eyes, stand and touch the tip of your. 
nose with your finger tip while keep- 
ing the eyes closed. That stuff. And 
pens drawing lines on little electric 
charts. [ could accept it, my dear, 
because life is very Шу and I have 
busied up my years in good ways. But 
I could not accept the kind of life that 
went. with the waiting. Dear as Paul 
is, he is a sentimental Kraut type, and 
we had the awareness of the damned. 
time bomb every waking moment. So 
life became like a practice funeral, 
with too many of our friends knowing. 
it and everybody trying to be so 
bloody sweet and compassionate dur- 
ing a long farewell party. I began to. 
think that if I lucked out, Pd be let- 
ting them down. So | finally told Paul 


“Oh, I hired a new secretary today. Poor 
thing. Apparently, she's never been able to experience 
orgasm with a man.” 


that if it was the end of my life, it was 
getting terribly damned dreary and 
full of violin music, and I am a ran- 
dom jolly type who does not care to 
be stared at by people with their eyes 
filling with tears. So I cashed in the 
bonds for the education of the chil- 
dren I'll never have, and I came 
ahunting and I found you. Was ] too 
eager to clamber into the sack? Too 
greedy to fill every day with as much 
life as would fit into it? Darling, I am 
the grasshopper sort, and so are you, 
and, bless you, there were dozens of 
times every day I would completely 
forget to sort of listen to what might 
be happening inside my redheaded 
skull. Be glad you jollied and romped 
the redheaded lady as she was coming 
around the clubhouse turn, heading 
for the tape. She loved it. And you. 
And how good we were together, in a 
way that was not a disloyalty to Paul! 
He is one of the dogged and steadfast 
ones. Can you imagine being mar- 
ried, dear, to Janine, great as she is, 
and having her know you could be 
fatally ill? She would mother you out 
of your mind until you ran. As I ran. 
But there was a little nagging feeling I 
was having it all too good. I kept tell- 
ing myself, Hell, girl, you deserve it. 
And then hairy old Meyer and his 
damned law about the hard thing to 
do if the right thing to do. I suppose 
you have been wondering about me 
and maybe hating me a little. I had to 
run from you exactly when I did and 
how I did, or I couldn't have left at 
all. You see, the dying have a special 
obligation, too, my dear. To keep it 
from being too selfish. I was depriving 
Paul of his chance of being with me, 
because it is all he is going to have of 
me—all he did have of me—and I 
was forgetting that I had to leave him 
enough to last him long enough to get 
him past the worst of it at least. The 
darling has not done the interrogation 
bit, and if he thinks or doesn’t think 
there was a man in the scene, I 
couldn't really say. You would like 
each other. Anyway, the female of the 
species is the eternal matchmaker, 
and I have written thc longest letter of. 
my life to Janine, all full of girl talk 
and about living and dying, and I 
have, I hope, conned her into spin- 
ning a big, fancy pack of lies about 
the Strange Vacation of Puss Killian, 
because I am leaving her name and 
address with Paul, saying that she 
could tell him how I was and what 
happened among people who didn't 
know. It is a devious plot, mostly 
because they would work well. Hc is а 
research chemist and perhaps the 
kindest man alive. Anyway, last week, 
all of a sudden, the pupil of my big, 
gorgeous left eye got twice as big as it 


SEND A GIFT OF JOHNNIE WALKER RED ANYWHERE IN 
BLENDED SCOTCH WHISKY, 858 PROOF IMPORTED BY SOMERSET IMPORTERS, LTD, NY. NY © 1984 THE USA CALL 1-800-243-3787 VOID WHERE PROHIBITED. 


PLAYBOY 


186 


should, and they have been checking 
and testing and giving me glassy 
smiles, and I am mailing this en route 
to the place where they are going to 
open a trap door and take another 
look. So they may clap the lid back on 
and say the hell with it. Or they may 
go in there and, without meaning to, 
speed me on my journcy, or they may 
turn me back into me for another 
time, shorter or longer. But from the 
talk around the store, the odds on the 
last deal make the old odds seem like 
a sure-thing bet. Do you understand 
now? I’m scared. Of course Pm 
scared. It's real black out there, and it 
lasts a long time. But I have no 
remorse, no regrets, because I left 
when I had to, and Meyer got me 
back in good season. Don't do any 
brooding, because if I can try to be a 
grownup, you ought to be able to take 
a stab at it. Here's what you do, Trav 
my darling. Find yourself a gaudy, 
random, gorgeous grasshopper 
wench, and lay aboard the Plymouth 
and the provisions, and go funtiming 
and suntiming up and down the 
lovely bays. Find one of good appetite 
and no thought of it being for keeps, 
and romp the lassie sweetly and com- 
pletely, and now and again, when she 
is asleep and you are awake, and your 
arms are around her and you are 
sleeping like spoons, with her head 
tucked under your ugly chin, pretend 
tis 


Puss, who loved you. 


At first it had been a mechanical read- 
ing, but then she slowed. The words had 


almost too much meaning for her to han- 
dle. And for me to handle. I had closed my 
eyes for a little while, pretending it was 
Puss. But that was too much for me, and I 
had to watch Jean as she read, watch the 
slow tears, listen to the breaking voice. 

Without looking at me, she folded it and 
put it back into the box and said, “Can we 
get out of here? Can we walk?” 

We walked. She had the good, long 
stride Puss had bequeathed her. We 
walked back to the beach, where the hard 
rain had pocked all the footprints out of 
the sand above high mean tide. The wind- 
driven waves curled and smacked. Kids 
were out there, vague in the rain curtain, 
surfing. Some G-stringed joggers passed 
us. No talk. I knew she would talk when 
she was ready. 

Finally, we sat on onc of the small fat 
fences that keep the parked cars off the 
beach. The rain was casing. 

“They did a Caesarean in the eighth 
month, when they knew she was slipping 
away. She was too far gone for labor. She 
died the next day. 1. . . I just didn't know 
all this!” 

"She must have told her sister some- 
thing about how she . . . about what it was 
like between us.” 

She thought that over, frowning. 
“Maybe she did. I guess she probably did. 
Maybe she told her husband, too. From 
what Velma said, he was really great to my 
mother after she came back. But he 
couldn't handle having me. The arithmetic 
was all wrong. Child of unknown person. 
He fixed it with Velma to raise me with her 
batch. Look, I love Velma and all my fos- 
ter brothers and sisters. She didn't treat 
me differently at all. Not in any way. She's 


“Like my car—it talks and talks, but it 


never says anything." 


great. He sent money all the years, what 
he thought was fair. Morc as prices went 
up. I've never met him. I think he's a fine 
person. I can understand him not wanting 
me as a kid. I wasn't his kid.” 

“I never knew she was pregnant. 1 
never knew she was dying." 

“I know that now, McGee. I thought 
you knew all that stuff. 1 thought you just 
didn't want to be involved. Let me tell you. 
something—I wish they'd never told me. 
No. Gross that out. I'm glad Velma told 
me. Puss hurt a lot. Some of the stuff they 
wanted to give her for pain would have 
hurt the baby inside her. Me. So she stiffed 
it out alone. For my sake. Loved me.” 

She bent over, face against her knees. 
She made a small sound of grief, lost in 
the surf crashing and hissing. 

Carefully, gently, 1 put my hand on her 
shoulder. “Maybe Velma licd about me 
because she didn’t want to lose you. She 
didn’t want you to gct some kind of 
romantic image of your beach-bum father 
and come looking for me, ever. She know 
you're here?” 

She straightened and looked at me with 
reddened eyes. “Oh, no. She thinks Pm 
visiting a girlfriend in Santa Barbara.” 

“Where is home?” 

“Youngstown, Ohio. I graduated high 
school last June.” 

“You graduated from high school.” 

She gave me a crooked, tear-stained 
smile. “Old Dad takes over the grammar, 
huh?" 

“Takes over whatever he can take over. 
Whatever you'll let him take over. Have 
you been working?” 

“Ata Charming Shoppe. 105 a chain. I 
worked through Christmas and quit. 
Look, can I have a copy of that letter? To 
keep?" 

“Why not? We'll walk back and get a 
copy made at the bank." 

She looked at me, her head tilted, her 
expression puzzled. 

“You know, I feel as if I've just gotten 
over being sick, sick a long time. I used to. 
dream about you dying. You were always 
fat and bald.” 

“At times I have a fat, bald disposition. 
Look, Jean. It's just the same for me. That 
strange feeling." 

“How can it mean anything much to 
you? You never knew I was alive, even." 

I reached for her and she put her hands 
in mine. “I don't know if I can say this. It 
means more than 1 can say. It turns my life 
upside down. It changes a lot of things I 
thought 1 was. It’s some kind of door 
opening for me. We've got lots of plans to 
make." 

“Т said rotten things to you.” 

“And enough of them were true.” 

“No. Now I know what you're really 
like. Puss is telling me in that letter what 
you're like. She didn't know she was tell- 
ing her daughter anything, but she was.” 

And we walked back slowly, talking all 
the way. There was a lifetime of good talk 
ahead of из. There was another feeling I 


had about myself, more difficult to grasp. 
In the past few years, I had been ever 
more uncomfortably aware that one day, 
somewhere, I would take one last breath 
and a great iron door would slam shut, 
leaving me in darkness on the wrong side 
of But now there was a window in 
that door. A promise of light. A way to 
continue, 


. 

It is May, early May, a lovely time of 
year in Florida. We have taken the Busted 
Flush north up the waterway to a place 
where it opens into a broad bay. I have 
dropped the hooks at a calm anchorage 
well away from the channel and far enough 
from the mangrove coast to let the south 
breeze keep the spring bugs away 

We have brought aboard pungent cal- 
drons of Meyer’s special incomparable 
chili and enough icy beer to make the chili 
less lethal. How many of us are there? 
Twenty? Thirty? Let's say a lot. 

We are here, and there is music and 
therc arc bad jokes, and so wc are all a lit- 
tle bit longer in the tooth and have seen life 
go up, down and sideways without any 
rhyme or reason anyone can determine. 
We laugh at tired old jokes because they 
are old and tired and familiar, and it is 
good to laugh. 

1 get up and go ambling back through 
the folk. A great day. I find Meyer up on 
the sun deck, leaning against the aft rail, 
alone for a change. He is now Unde 
Meyer, a dispensation from my daughter, 
Jean, that pleased him immensely. 

We talked about Jean, about her latest 
letter. “You two get talked out before she 
left?" he asks. 

“There's a couple of years of talk to 
make up,” I say. “We'll have time. You get 
a chance to look over the trust agreement 
Frank sent you?” 

“Good work," he says. “As a trustee, I 
can vote to invade the principal in casc of 
emergency. Sound.” 

“She got one hell of a score on her col- 
lege boards.” 

“Three times you've told me, Travis.” 

“And she's a horse bum. Imagine that. 
A horse bum from Youngstown who is 
going to go to a school of veterinary medi- 
cine eventually. Imagine me fathering a 
horse bum from Youngstown." 

“Travis, she is handsome. She is tough 
and good and staunch.” 

I look at him. It strikes me that he has 
not been surly or hostile at any time. 
Lately I have been bringing out the worst 
in people. No more. 

He seems to know what I am thinking. 
“How much went into the trust?" he asks. 

"Everything!" I say. 

He stares in consternation. “Every- 
thing? Everything?" 

“Well, I saved out about four hundred 
bucks, and so I've got to scramble around 
and find some salvage work real soon." 

He puts his hand on my arm, beams at 
me and says, "Welcome to the world." 


Midnight Special. 

(continued from page 114) 
better way to round off your midnight 
adventure than with a mellow, pungent, 
lulling nightcap to carry you off to 
sleep . . . and tender dreams. 


CALIFORNIA TWIST 
(Four servings) 


A simplified version of a zesty pasta dish 
served at Lavin’s, a respected Man- 
hattan restaurant. The recipe was adapted 
for home use with the help of Lavin's exec- 
utive chef. 

1 Ib. fusilli (corkscrew pasta) 

2 cups heavy cream 

1 cup chicken stock or bouillon (canned 

or reconstituted is OK) 

2 shallots, peeled and halved 

2-3 ozs. goat cheese, crumbled 

Freshly ground pepper 

Salt, to taste 

Chopped toasted pecans or walnuts 

Cook fusilli according to package direc- 
tions until tender but still chewy—or to 
taste. Meanwhile, combine cream and 
stock in 2-quart saucepan. Fix shallot 
halves on toothpick and add to pan, Bring 
mixture to boil; reduce heat and simmer 
for 5 minutes, stirring occasionally. Whisk 
cheese into sauce, stirring until completely 


dissolved. Remove shallots. Grind in 
pepper to taste. Add salt only if 
necessary; both stock and cheese are likely 
to be well salted. When pasta is done, 
drain well; then toss with prepared sauce. 
Divide into portions and garnish gener- 
ously with chopped nuts. 

Note: Because of its “American foods” 
policy, Lavin’s uses California goat cheese, 
but a tangy, herbed chèvre would be equal- 
ly compatible. Adding more cheese will 
give the sauce body and zip. 


EGOS ROMANOFF 
(One serving) 


Offered as a midnight snack at Trader 
Vic establishments. Look closely and 
you'll notice a startling similarity to the 
classic eggs Benedict. 

English muffin 

2 slices smoked salmon 

Pepper, optional 

2 eggs 

Hollandaise sauce 

Romanoff salmon caviar 

Split and toast English muffin. Put a 
slice of smoked salmon on each half. Sprin- 
kle with pepper, if desired. Poach eggs and 
place on muffin halves. Top with hollan- 
daise and garnish with a dab of salmon 
caviar. 


Note: Decent, prepared hollandaise 


“Say, how high is this slope, anyway?” 


PLAYBOY 


188 


sauce is available in specialty food shops 
and fancy supermarkets, and Knorr's dry- 
mix hollandaise is widely distributed. 17 
you prefer homemade, the sauce below 
can be prepared in a jiffy. 


JIFFY HOLLANDAISE 


M lb. (1 stick) butter 

3 egg yolks 

2 tablespoons lemon juice 

Ye teaspoon salt 

Pepper, several grinds 

Heat butter in small saucepan or frying 
pan until bubbly; be careful not to brown. 
Keep warm. Rinse blender cont: 
hot water and dry. Add remaining 
ents to blender container in order listed 
above. Cover container; buzz at medium 
speed until thoroughly mixed. Keep 
blender running; shift cover to make open- 
ing and pour in hot butter in slow, steady 
stream. Use immediately or keep warm 
in top of double boiler over hot water. 
Leftover hollandaise should be stored in 
refrigerator. 


PRONTO PITA PIZZA 
(Four servings) 


A version of the pizza presented at The 
Piteria in Manhattan's Greenwich Village. 
4 pitas (pocket breads) 
Bottled pizza sauce or marinara sauce 
1 can (4 ozs.) sliced mushrooms, drained 
(or 4 large fresh mushrooms, sliced) 
Ya lb. Monterey Jack or other semifirm 
cheese, shredded 
1 medium onion, sliced 
1 tablespoon olive oil 
Salt and pepper, if desired 
Gently flatten pitas; they tend to curl at 
edges. Spread concave side of each with 
thin layer of sauce. Divide sliced mush- 
rooms among the pitas. Sprinkle a good 


heavy coating of shredded cheese over 
cach. It’s starting to look mighty like a 
pizza. Toss onion slices in oil and arrange 
over cheese. Place on cookie sheet and set 
under broiler 5 to 6 ins. from flame. Check 
after 2 minutes; these things burn casily. 
Pizza is au point when cheese is bubbly 
and starting to brown. You probably won't 
want salt, but a little pepper might be 
nice. 


TONNATO TOSCANO 
(Four servings) 


1 can (7 ozs.) dark Italian tuna 

1 can (20 ozs.) cannellini beans, drained 

1 large ripe tomato, in wedges 

1 small red onion, diced 

6 globe radish liced 

2 tablespoons olive oil 

2 teaspoons lemon juice or wine vinegar 

Freshly ground pepper 

Romaine-lettuce leaves 

Anchovies, rinsed and drained 

Drain tuna, place in salad bowl and 
flake. Add beans, tomato, onion and rad- 
hes. Whisk oil and lemon juice to com- 
bine and drizzle over salad. Add pepper to 
taste; toss well. Spoon on lettuce leaves; 
garnish with anchovies. 


CROQUE- MONSIEUR 
(Two servings) 

Very popular in France—and gaining 
fans in the States. 

3 tablespoons sweet butter, softened 

1 teaspoon Dijon-style mustard 

4 slices white bread 

2 slices Emmentaler or fontina cheese 

2 slices country ham 

2 slices white meat of chicken 

2 eggs 

2 tablespoons milk 

Pinch of salt, optional 


“If Mr. Wonderful doesn't 
come along soon, I may have to settle for 
Mr. No Worse Than the Next Guy." 


Combine butter and mustard; mix thor- 
oughly. Spread lightly on one side of cach 
bread slice. Make 2 sandwiches, with a 
slice of cheese, ham and chick each. 
Beat eggs moderately with milk, salt 
lightly; pour into soup plate or piepan. 
Dip sandwiches in egg mixture; turn them 
until they've absorbed it all. Heat about 2 
tablespoons butter in large skillet; sauté 
sandwiches until both sides are golden 
brown and cheese has melted. Cut sand- 
nto quarters. Serve with swcet 
pickles and potato chips. 


HUEVOS REVUELTOS 
(Two servings) 


A tasty late-night snack from Santiago 
Moneo of Casa Moneo in Manhattan. 
Revueltos means “soft set,” which 
describes the consistency of the huevos 
perfectly. 

2 tablespoons oil 

1 ripe tomato, seeded and chopped 

2 canned mild green chilies, chopped 

1⁄4 small onion, chopped 

4 cggs, beaten moderately 

Heat oil in medium 
tomato, chilies and onion; sauté over 
medium heat until softened. Pour in eggs 
and stir slowly with fork, pausing to let 
eggs catch on bottom and sides. When 
done, eggs will be moist and creamy, not 
firm. May be served with hot refried beans 
and tortillas—both available in fancy food 
shops and supermarkets. 

Quick-Fix Huevos Revueltos: Substitute 
about Y cup La Victoria bottled salsa, or 
other good prepared salsa, for the fresh 
ingredients. Heat in pan with oil, add 
beaten eggs and scramble, as above. 
Superb! Note that salsa comes mild or hot. 
Most people find the mild plenty caliente! 


LAGNIAPPE 


Hero Boy's James Del Orte suggests ап 
Italian favorite as a sumptuous finale to a 
memorable after-hours munch—mascar- 
pone cheese and ripe strawberries. Mascar- 
pone, a luscious triple cream cheese, 
complements the tart-sweet berries beau- 
tifully, Jimmy likes this with an extra-dry 
sparkling wine or a dessert wine. 


AU REVOIR 


1% ozs. cognac 

3 ozs. milk, chilled 

% ripe banana, mashed 

1 teaspoon superfine sugar, or to taste 

Dash bitters 

Y cup crushed ice 

Cinnamon 

Place all ingredients but cinnamon in 
chilled blender container. Buzz until just 
smooth. Pour into chilled tall glass. Taste 
for sweetness and correct, if necessary. 
Dust surface lightly with cinnamon. 

A midnight bite doesn’t have to be a 
Tom Jones romp. For people who are truly 
passionate about food, quality, not quan- 
tity, is the criterion. Bon appétit! 


‚Advertisement 


1.C.L. PROCESS BECOMES A REAL GROWTH INDUSTRY 


/ 


Patient (ler before LC L. Process; center, 
the patient, Juan Andujar undergoes the 
procedure at International Cosmetic Labs, 
performed by Dr. Max Mollick and a 
female assistant 


BALD HAIRDRESSER’S 


As a man who has tried everything 
on my own thinning locks except the 
sweat of a moose, | was always skep- 
tical of all hair replacement ads, as 
Menachem Begin is of President 
Reagan's claim that AWACS planes in 
Saudi Arabian hands would be “good 
for Israel.” 

With this in mind, | recently visited 
International Cosmetic Labs, 209 
Proiessional Building, Rt. 130, 
Cinnaminson, N.J. 08077, after calling 
(609) 829-4300 which has performed 
thousands of medical procedures 
during it's long existence 


NOT A TRANSPLANT 


“This is not the same thing as a hair 
transplant or a hair piece, or medical 
implants", explained a medical 
assistant. “It is designed for people 
who still have some hair. We take a hair 
sample from the customer and then 
make the new preparation to blend 
perfectly with it. The new preparation 
is made of a combination of human and 
synthetic hair." 

While | waited for a nearly bald 
customerto go through the procedure, 
a handsome young man walked into 
the International waiting room with a 
head of thick, wavy hair. 


DREAM COMES 


By LEN LEAR 


A RECENT EXAMPLE 


"This was done here last week," ex- 
plained Dr. Jack Rydell, a 25-year-old 
chiropractor from central Jersey who 
showed himself (before the procedure) 
with a balding pate. 

“I started losing my hair when | was 
19. Some men don't care about this, but 
Ido. | looked into hair transplants. but 
they're too messy, and they cannot 
thicken hair which | wanted to do. 
They can never give you a natural look. 
Now my hair looks just like it did when I 
was 18. 

Dr. Rydell said he is completely 
satisfied with his "new hair", which 
may cost anywhere from $1200 to 
$3800. Iran my own fingers through his 
hair, which looked and felt exactly like 
thick hair. I yanked, but it did not come 
off. 


SEVERAL RETAINERS 


Losing my skepticism quickly, | 
watched as Juan Andujar, a 28-year- 
old hairdresser from New Jersey who 
was largely bald on top, underwent the 
LC.L. Process. Dr. Max Mollick, a staff 
physician of International Cosmetic 
Labs applied fine hairlike retainers 
throughout Andujars dome. Techni- 
cians then started attaching hair fila- 
ments, creating a full head of hair. A hair 


TRUE 


We've all seen the ads on tv, a man with a billiard ball for a head suddenly has a head full of thick wavy hair. He's 
swimming & playing tennis. Beautiful ladies mesmerized by his now wavy mane, and no matter howhard a disembodied 
hand yanks, it can't upset a hair on his head, or his rosy disposition. 


stylist then styled it, the whole process 
taking about 3 hours. Andujar was ob- 
viously pleased with the results. 

Dr. Max Mollick is a radiologist who 
has performed thousands of surgical 
procedures. When asked about the 
possibilities of infection, "We've seen 
cases of minor infections but they've 
been very rare, certainly no greater 
than in anyothertype cf surgery. There 
is also a lifetime warranty with this. 
procedure. Also, the 1.C.L. Process is 
totally reversable for those who worry 
about that sort of thing. 

The retainer material used in THE 
LC.L. PROCESS has been used ex- 
tensively in many parts of the world in 
major heart surgery, for those of you 
who care about such things, it is an 
isotactic crystalline stereoisomer of a 
linear hydrocarbon polymer containing 
alittle or no unsaturation. Such retainer 
material is not absorbable nor is it 
subject to degradation or weakening 
by the action of tissue enzymes. It is 
resistant to involvement in infections. 
There are no known contraindications 

and for you doctors with your 
medical Baedeckers handy, for further 
data you may refer to THE JOURNAL 
OF THE AMERICAN MEDICAL ASSO- 
CIATION, March 10, 1962, Vol. 179, pp. 
780-782, BRITISH JOURNAL OF 
SURGERY, Vol. 52, No. 5. August 1967 
or write International Cosmetic Labs. 


PLAYBOY 


190 


HIGH-END HI-Fl = ев 


“Does high-end audio succeed in its heaven-storming 
ambitions? Of course it does.” 


dinky little cranked-cylinder gadget would 
come to this? It’s all for real, however, and 
is actually a new overground area in stereo 
hi-fi that includes other types of compo- 
nents, each of which crawds or tops the 
$10,000 mark. This heady realm is popu- 
lated by a new breed of hi-fi buff known as 
a high-ender. For this dedicated fidelity 
devotee, audio could become more impor- 
tant than eating. He is turned on not only 
by the unmatched sound of such cquip- 
ment but also by its exquisitely detailed 
construction, the attention lavished by its 
manufacturers on every aspect of the prod- 
uct, from its painstakingly engineered 
innards to the visual appeal of its housing 
and the sexy compliance of its controls. 
Using such equipment becomes an immer- 
sion in a special kind of experience that is 
almost tactile and visceral as well as 
audiological. 

At its extreme, catering to such tastes 
can become 2 matter more complex than 
custom-tailoring a new suit. For example, 
Wilson does not merely sell you his sys- 
tem; he literally fine-tunes it to a specific 
environment. The entire process, from ini- 
tial acoustic measurements through the 
final setup, takes three days. 

The amplifiers used in such systems are 
chosen from a select group of products 
currently in favor among high enders. One 
is the Krell KMA-200, a mono (single- 
channel) power amp conservatively rated 
for 200-watt output. A pair for sterco 
comes to $7500. Among preamps now in 
favor are the Krell KRS-1, at $6500; the 
Swiss Physics SP-1, at $4000; the 
Dennesen JC-80 (actually a pair of mono 


preamps), at $3500; and the Spectral 
DMC-10, a stereo unit with a separate 
power supply to minimize hum and noise. 
Its price is $2795. An additional $60 gets 
you a see-through cover for viewing the 
DMC-10's gold-plated circuit boards. If 
you've got it, baby, flaunt it! 

While the choice of amplification equip- 
ment is relatively wide, there are only two 
FM tuners that this group considers suit- 
able mates for its supersystems. One is the 
Sequerra Model 1, a $5000 unit featuring 
built-in analyzers that display the charac- 
teristics of a received signal. At only 
$1195, the Tandberg TPT 3001A is a sur- 
prisingly inexpensive alternative that 
many claim outperforms the Sequcrra. 

The most striking entry in the rarefied 
realm of high-end equipment is the 
Goldmund Reference turntable. It looks 
like a piece of machinery from a space sta- 
tion and—without a tonearm—costs a 
cool $12,900. Many, even among the high 
enders, are satisfied with the lower-priced 
Goldmund Studio, which sells for a paltry 
$2500—also minus a tonearm. The $7000 
Nakamichi TX-1000 (without tonearm 
but with a separate motor for centering a 
disc on the spindle) has a following, while 
an entry from Denon, the Model 
DP-100M ($6200 with a servo-controlled 
tonearm), is considered by many to be an 
excellent alternative. 

Turntable manufacturers, as a rule, also 
offer tonearms, but there are tonearm spe- 
cialists whose products have a unique 
appeal. Prominent among this small group 
right now is the $1400 Dennesen ABLT-1. 
It's a linear model with air bearings that 


“Well, so much for the northern lights.” 


has a claimed tracking error of zero 
degrees. You can’t get much better than 
that. 

In phono cartridges, the universally 
favored type is a moving coil. But which 
one? Many would pick the $3500 lapis- 
lazuli Kiseki, а hand-built cartridge that’s 
about as exotic as the semiprecious stone 
it’s made from. There's also a following for 
another Japanese entry, the Koctsu onyx 
Signature ($2250), while from Dutch 
designer A. J. van den Hul comes the Type 
1, which, at $1250, is claimed by many to 
do as fine a job as any other in tracing 
record grooves. 

How does the new digital sound, specifi- 
cally in the form of the compact disc (CD), 
fit into this picture? Some high enders wel- 
come the CD as a superior program source 
with which they can show off their 
splendid sound systems. Others feel that 
while digital sound can be better than 
analog sound in theory, not all CDs really 
deliver the kind of legendary sonic superi- 
arity their manufacturers claim for them. 

Countering this view is one that holds 
that the high enders’ indifference to the 
CD is motivated by a desire to perpetuate 
a kind of cultist tweakery that has grown 
up around analog turntables, tonearms 
and moving-coil cartridges. 

This attitude, in turn, relates to the rela- 
tively low interest high enders have in tape 
recorders and an understandable paucity 
of tape decks aimed at this group. In cas- 
sette decks, the current favorites are the 
‘Tandberg TCD 3014, at $1395, and the 
Nakamichi Dragon, at $1850. For open- 
reel devotees, there's the Mark Levinson 
ML-5, at $14,400, which accepts reels of 
up to 12% inches in diameter and runs at 
the pro speeds of 15 and 30 inches per sec- 
опа. Other favored units include the $9000 
STC Nagra, with ten-and-a-half-inch 
open-reel adapters, and the similarly 
priced Stellavox. 

Does high-end audio succeed in its 
heaven-storming ambitions? Of course it 
docs. All you need to convince yourself of 
this is to attend a demonstration. Combine. 
Wilsons WAMM with a pair of Krell 
power amps, a Goldmund turntable and a. 
Kiseki cartridge and, brother, you'll have 
your sonic socks blown off, 

But don't feel left out because your 
budget can't match your new-found taste 
for great sound. Like a Ferrari or a Rolls- 
Royce, high-end audio has a limited mar- 
ket. However, it continues to goad the 
rest of the hi-fi industry, keeping the 
mainstream manufacturers on their sonic 
toes. As a result, a good deal of high-end 
theory and practice docs filter down to 
broader levels to make for better stereo 
products in all price ranges. High-end 
audio remains the peak of the mountain, 
but the entire terrain is beautiful as a 
result, and there is much beauty along the 
slopes that is very affordable. 


For smokers who prefer the convenience oí five more cigarettes per pack. 


` Marlboro 


Now, famous Marlboro Red 
and Marlboro Lights are also available 
in a eonvenient new 25% pack. 


Not available in some areas. © Patio morris inc. 1985 


Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined 
Lights: 11 mg "'tar;' 0.7 mg nitotine— Kings: 17 mg “tar.” That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health. 
1.1 mg nicotine av. per cigarette, by FTC method. 


“Waters for teardrops.- 
Dickels fordrinkin” 


Candi inmy humble opinion, mixin "thetwos à ‘cryin’ 
shame. Cause Dickel goes down so smooth and easy, o ) 
need any company. 

"Course, some folks dont see What way y Theyll mix this fine 


Y Tennessee BR whisky with soda —who knows what. 
Guess that aint all 
| Hit werentloranc 
| 


wouldnt be r 


x country) 


ON-THE 


WI 


EELS 


"S CENE 


THE MAP RIDER 


ou think Knight Rider's souped-up Trans Am is hot? 
You like the Millennium Falcon? They're heaps. With 
the Etak Navigator, you can turn any junker into a 
motorized mind. How? The Navigator displays your 
position and destination ona view screen by means of a com- 
pass, a computer and a memory full of maps. As you drive, 


your position on the screen—marked by a triangle—remains 
constant. The map moves past you, ensuring that whatever 
streets lie ahead through the windshield appear on the 
screen. Zoom in fora close-up; zoom out fora God's-eye view. 
Then say goodbye to maps that never fold back up. With 
a copilot like the Navigator, all you do is drive, baby, drive. 


Below: Available this spring for 2000 square miles of the San Francisco area, Etak, Inc, will then zoom its computerized navigational system 
in on Southern Califomia, followed by the East Coast and the Midwest. Two models are available: The 450, shown, with a 4%” screen on a 
flexible stalk, is ideal for passenger cars, $1395; and the 700, with a 7" screen, is for cop cars, ambulances, etc, $1595. Computerized maps 
of designated areas, $35 each. The open road will never be the same. Look for the unit at auto stereo and mobile communication stores. 


Destinations can be se- 
lected from an easy-to- 
read street index stored 
oneach EtakMap cassette. 


The Etak Navigator map 
can be zoomed in to 
show a tight view of the 
area surrounding the car. 


логи 


After a destination has 
been selected, the Navi- 
gator displays the loca- 
tion as a flashing star. 


JUMPIN’ AT THE TV SIDE 
Punk rockers may not bow and face west when 
the name Wally Haider is mentioned, but anyone 
who's into big-band jazz knows that Haider's Los 
Angeles sound studio was the home of many 
movie and early-TV big-band productions. Now 
Haider has dug into archives and put together a 
selection of nine video tapes showcasing the tal- 
ents of 33 bands. The tapes are $49.95 cach, sent. 
to Swingtime Video, P.O. Box 3476, Hollywood, 
California 90078. A frce catalog is available 


COCK OF THE WALK 


Calvin Klein, watch your ass! A new fashion 
movement is hanging in there, and wel lay odds 
it's going to be stiff competition. We're talking 
about Dingus Wear—yes, wearables for your 
wang and designer duds for your dick. Dingus 
Wear's most popular one-size-fits-all styles 
indude a cowboy outfit, a chef's hat, jacket and 
apron or a tux for $21.95 each sent to Dingus 
Wear, P.O. Box 408343, Department B200, 
Chicago 60640. It’s a whole new balls game. 


POUPOURRI 


THE BUTLER 
DOES IT 


Anyone who's ever set down 
his drink at a party only to 
discover that he couldn't 
remember where he'd put it 
or—even worse—to find that 
it’s disappeared down some 
other guest’s throat or been 
dumped will appreciate the 
ingenuity of Buffet Butler: 
four 13" x 17" vinyl mats 
with 12 numbers (1 to 12 or 
13 to 24) and 12 letters (A to 
L or M to X) printed on each 
mat 


All you do is remember 
that X (or whichever square 
you choose) marks the spot 
while you get up and boogie, 
do a trick with a lamp shade 
and a bar of soap, perform 
your ever-popular impression 
of Fay Wray masturbating 
King Kong or put the heavy 
moves on your hostess. A set 
of Buffet Butler mats will set 
you back $25 sent to 
Stimuleye, Р.О. Box 187, 
Worcester, Massachusetts 
01602. Ring for the Butler. 
He's got your drink. 


THE CAT HOUSE'S MEOW 


Most coffee-table books cost and weigh a ton, and their glossy 
pages filled with lovely photos of Etruscan frescoes never sce the 
light of day. Then there's Great Bordellos of the World, a 254-page 
illustrated history by Emmett Murphy (Quartet Books is the pub- 
lisher), selling in bookstores for you'll have to chain to 
your table. Chapters range from “Gods, C and Harloıs” 
(those naughty Assyrians) to “Going Public,” a collection of con- 
temporary cat houses. Say, on page 241—the little blonde bomb- 
shell in the baby dolls. Isn't that your wife? 


ROAD AROMA 


Now that Jonbil, Inc., has come out with 
Long Haul trucker's jeans, it's eased on 
down the road to another market that has 
the smell of instant success— Long Haul 
Cologne. Long Haul's scent has been 
described as being as masculinc as a lug. 
wrench, combining citrus with herbs and 
spices— plus maybe a pinch of diesel 
smoke and coffee grounds tossed in. A 
four-ounce bottle goes for $18, from Long 
Haul, P.O. Box 37, Highway 75, Chase 
City, Virginia 23924. Well, smell you! 


REMEMBER TO THE RESCUE 


With a staff meeting at nine, a confer- 
ence at 11 and a sales meeting from one 
to five, it's not your fault that your girl- 
friend told you to go take а flying fulo at 
eight, when you forgot her birthday. At 
least, that's the way we look at it, and so 
does Remember, Inc., a company at 40 
Freeman Place, Needham, Massachusetts 
02192, that, for $30 annually, will 
remember six special days you specify. 
and send out cards. Sleep well, Mr. Big; 
Remember, Inc. is awake. 


ADOPT-A-COMP 


With about 11,000,000 comput- 
ers sold in North America last 
ycar, you can bet your RAM 
and ROM that there are going 
to be at least a couple of million. 
of them abandoned by thei 
owners once the novelty wears 
off. That's where International 
Computer Orphanage steps in. 
1.C.O. is an adoption agency for 
computers at 6711 Mississauga 
Road, Suite 103, Mississauga, 
Ontario, L5N 2W3. Just $35 
gets you membership and full 
info on how to temporarily or 
permanently adopt a used com- 
puter. A Kaypro 2 for $999, or 
$15.42 a day? That's not much 
of'a byte, now, is it? 


AVEDON AND MM 


Richard Avedon's Lost Marilyns 
arc the stuff that legends are 
made of—four period photos 
that Marilyn posed for in 1958 
for Life magazine, cach depict- 
ing a sex symbol of the past: 
Lillian Russell (shown), Clara 
Bow, Jean Harlow and Theda 
Bara. Avedon had mislaid the 
photos until about a year ago, 
and now he's offering them as 
20" x 28" posters through 
Andrew Grenshaw, Lid., 407 
East 75th Street, New York 
10021, for $25 each, unsigned, 
or $50 cach, signed. Avedon 
reminisces that when Marilyn 
saw the photos, she told him, 
"I'm prouder of these than any 
movie I've ever made.” We agree. 


HERE'S YOUR MITT, 
WALTER MITTY 
If you've ever wanted to pull 
off a hat trick against 
Edmonton, play in the world 
series or score the winning 
T.D. on Super Bowl Sun- 


а radio-cassette re-creation 


of a sporting event—anything 


from baseball, en and 
football to tennis, boxi 
hockey and golf. Sound pm 
and a professional announcer 
add to the realism—who 
wouldn't believe you knocked 
out Ali in the seventh? For 
more info, contact Hall of 
Fame Tapes, P.O. Box 8908, 
Rockville, Maryland 20856. 


day, has Hall of Fame got 
a deal for you. For 859.95, 
it will make you the star of 


Sheila E. Holds the Pickle 


Oh, God, we don't know what to tell you. This guy can't 
be located to tell the tale of singer/percussionist 
SHEILA E. With Prince as her mentor, Sheila is climb- 
ing the charts. And everything else. 


Someday Our 
Prince Will Come 
In this year of androgyny, 
PRINCE is king. His album and 
movie Purple Rain went through 
the roof. His concerts were the 
hot tix t ler. He's respon- 
sible for a bevy of women sing- 
Sodo we care if he dresses 
like Mozart? 


Frankie-Pankie 

FRANKIE GOES TO HOLLYWOOD did not take America by the same storm that 
captured Britain. It didn’t have much of a stage show, and its hits were too short. 
But it has great slogans, and it's the only pop group we can remember that uses a 
bunch of drag queens for an opening act. Too cute! 


Wait a Minute, Mr. Postman 

When LINDSEY BUCKINGHAM publicly whined about his love 
life, hehad no idea how many women would be happy to make a 
go ofitwith alonely millionaire. You think his troubles are over? 
He has to answer all that mail! 


Guitar Man 


We watched SAMMY HAGAR’s album VOA move up the charts 
this past winter and his single / Can't Drive 55 do the same. So 
it's no wonder that when the Red Rocker performs, girls throw 
red things onstage. It began with scarves but recently switched 
to underwear. And Prince thought he was the only one? 


Guns and Buttercups 


SIAN ADEY JONES is a very attractive woman. She is also a former Miss 
Wales, a model and an actress. If you'd like to see her poetry in 
motion, catch the new James Bond film, A View to a Kill, in May. 
Until then, we're going to fantasize about get- 
ing arrested. 


NEXT MONTH 


CAFÉ FLESH 


MORCANNA'S WORKOUT ATLAS. SHRUG 


*CONFESSIONS OF A CULT SEX KING: CAFÉ FLESH 
AND ME"—THE AUTHOR OF THE POSTNUCLEAR X 
CLASSIC REPORTS ON ITS FALLOUT, INCLUDING HIS 
DISCOVERY THAT EVERYMAN'S DREAM IS TO BANK- 
ROLL A PORN FLICK—BY JERRY STAHL 


“WILL SHE OR WON'T SHE?"—READING HER BODY 
AND OTHER LANGUAGES—BY DANIEL MARK EPSTEIN 


“MORGANNA'S GUIDE TO SPRING TRAINING"—OUR 
FAVORITE KISS-AND-RUN ARTIST DEMONSTRATES THE 
EQUIPMENT THATLL GET YOU IN SHAPE FOR YOUR 
FAVORITE SPORT 


“PLAYBOY'S YEAR IN MUSIC"—STAY TUNED FOR THE 
TINA TURNER WORKOUT, THE SINATHA/BILLY IDOL 
"WHO'S THE REAL PUNK?" PROFILE AND MORE 


"EVEN CHARLES ATLAS DIES"—WHEN YOUVE HAD 
SAND KICKED IN YOUR FACE, SOMETHING SNAPS. 
YOU, TOO, CAN BE A KING OF BODYBUILDING OR, AT 
LEAST, MEET ONE. A TALE THATS CHOCK-FULL OF 
DYNAMIC TENSION—BY SERGIO RAMIREZ 


SUPER SISTERS 


“WHAT ! LEARNED AT SEA”—HE HAD THE BEST JOB 
IN THE WORLD, THAT OF PLAYBOY'S TRAVEL EDITOR, 
AND HE CHUCKED IT FOR WIND AND WAVE. IF YOU'RE 
A SAILOR, YOU UNDERSTAND WHY. A MEMOIR—BY 
REG POTTERTON 


“ARE THERE ANY MORE AT HOME LIKE YOU?"—IN 
THE CASE OF THESE PLAYMATES, THE ANSWER IS 
YES. PRESENTING THE CHIN, SOARES, ST. GEORGE 
AND SMITH SISTERS, WHO PROVE YOU CAN NEVER 
GET TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING 


JOEL HYATT, THE WIZARD OF LOW-COST LEGAL 
SERVICES, DISCUSSES HIS BHIEFS AND OTHER HOT 
TOPICS IN A SNAPPY *20 QUESTIONS" 


PLUS: JOHN ESKOW'S SLY TIPS ON HOW TO PROF- 
IT BY THE LESSONS OF VIETNAM, "SUPPORT OUR 
BOYS IN NICARAGUA"; A HARD-CHARGING PLAYBOY 
INTERVIEW WITH THE EDMONTON OILERS' STAR 
CENTER WAYNE GRETZKY; "PLAYBOY'S GUIDE 
TO FASHION"; EMANUEL GREENBERG'S “WHITE 
MAGIC: 99 TRICKS WITH VODKA" AND MUCH MORE 


Howto tempt your lover 
without wearing a fig leaf. 


First there was light. 
Followed soon thereafter 
by man and woman, a.ka. 
‚Adam and Eve. Then came 
the business with the apple, 
and before you could say 
“You snake in the grass; 
five zillion years went by 
But all wasnt for naught, 
because that fateful faux 

pas not only altered the 
history of haberdashery 
but also inspired 
the creation 
of DeKuyper® Original Apple Barrel” Schnapps. 

While the advent of apparel is certainly appreciated, 
especially in sub-zero surroundings, the birth of DeKuyper 
Apple Barrel Schnapps is universally ballyhooed. 

All it takes is one teeny -weeny taste to convince you that 
this refreshingly crisp blend selected from nine apple varieties 
is the most sinfully delicious thing to happen to apples 
since day one. 

Whether youre throwing a posh garden 
party or entertaining a party of one, succumb _ 
to the temptation of DeKuyper Apple Barrel A 
Schnapps. It makes every Eve feel a little special. E M 


DeKuyper Original Apple Barrel Schnapps 


DeKuyper Original Apple Barrel Schnapps Liqueur, 48 Proof, John DeKuyper & Son, Elmwood Place, Ohio. 


x - 
М, \ 


Come up fo Kool 


Kool gives you extra coolness 
for the most refreshing sensation in smoking. 


A sensation beyond the ordinary. 


Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined 
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health. 


© 1884 BAWT Co. 


Milds Kings, 11 mg. "tar", 0 .8 mg. nicotine; 
Filter Kings, 17 mg. "ter", 1.1 mg. nicotine 
av. per cigarette, FTC Report Mar. 'В4.