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INTERVIEW: BASEBALL'S SPITTIN’ IMAGE, SPARKY ANDERSON

ON MAN'S
BEST
FRIENDS
MONEY

GOLDEN
GATEFOLDS

WHAT DO YOU bO when your divorce becomes the topic for every
major news outlet in the country? When an apocryphal story
that you sleep with a trumpet becomes hot gossip? I you're
Roxanne Pulitzer, you play it for laughs. In this month's Prize
Pulitzer, America's most famous divorcee goes public in a lively
question-and-answer session, conducted by Reg Potterton, and a
very personal and hilarious perspective on those headlines as
preted by Contributing Photographer Richard Fegley. Wc
wish Roxanne better luck in her next marital mission, should she
choose to accept onc. She, and you, might be well advised first to
read How to Live with Another Person, by our man in theoretical
lifestyles, regular contributor Bruce Jay Friedman. He once wrote a
book about being a lonely guy; now he's afraid that moving in
with the onc you love may be a violation of natural law. The
illustration is by Dave Calver.

Even more daunting than the prospect of maintaining a
tionship is this month's piece The Secret Life of Laurence Lorence,
by Contributing Editor Laurence Gonzales, who went hunting for
Big Brother in the data files of credit checkers and found tired
men in bad suits who ask your neighbors personal questions
about you. Your neighbors, incidentally, eagerly report that you
are dying of a dread disease and that you regularly beat up on
widows and orphans when you aren't busy throwing wild parties
on weeknights. It's all in the file. H we were the credit guys, we'd
ive it all up and stick with the information in Andrew Tobias’
Quarterly Reports. This month, our money ace tackles Systems—
such unscientific but intriguing stock indicators as hemlines,
lunar cycles and the Super Bowl phenomenon. Systems climi-
nate the need to think. and we all know what a hangover thin!
ing can give you. Take a look at Dr. Stuart (The Power Immune
Diet) Berger's Rat-Race Diet, which tells you everything you need
to know to overcome the effects of prolonged work or play. Some
people who can't seem to tell work from play are those
jocks who star in TV ads. For More Taste. Less Overacting, writer
Bill Zehme and Senior Staff Writer John Rezek sat down with Al the
Movies hosts Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert and had the pedigreed
film critics tell us whether or not the guys in the commercials,
like all pros, just make hard work look easy. A master of that sort
of illusion is the subject of Warren Kelbackers 20 Questions: Tom
Watson, the most consistent golf winner of the past decade, How
does he do it? Well, for starters. he’s had his eye on the ball for 30
years and he says he doesn’t play with girls. For the goods on a
true sports leg gend, try the Playboy Interview. We sent Ken Kelley
into the majors to catch up with Sparky Anderson, the square-
jawed, silver-haired manager who put Detroit's finest produci—
the Tigers—back on line. If Sparky's story makes you feel poetic
about the boys of summer, take a look at Dan Jenkins‘ Sports
columi which he throws spitballs at the flowery prose his fe
low sportswriters spew when they turn to writing about baseball.
Jenkins, you're a d case. but we admire th е саргі-
iousness of your enigmatic wit

We were talking before about relationships, which at be:
should be sharing aflairs. Robert Silverberg's Symbiont, illustrated
by Isadore Seltzer, is not about m lage or clive + but you'll
never forget the intimacy experienced by its space-age cohabit-
ants. After Silverberg's story, you'll need a breather. Try June's
exotic Playmate, Devin Reneé DeVasquez, also photographed by
ubiquitous lensman Fegley, who doesn't necessarily specialize in
divorce work. Neither does the happily married Senior Staff Pho-
tographer Pompeo Posaı
cer at pLavsoy with a rich and rewarding retrospectiv
best shots. Nice job, Pompeo. Right now. moaning that
some guys have all the lu g sorry lor yourself. Take a
look at our tips on swimwear, suntan lotions and cameras and at
Maynard F. Thomson's recommendation, Make Mine a Martini.
"Then go out and make yourself some luck.

mous

[ET

PLAYBILL

FRIEDMAN CAINER TOMAS

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Not an exotic innovation. But an eminently

practical one. “The quattro is more than a suc-
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By delivering power to all
the wheels all the time, the
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PLAYBOY

vol. 32, no. 6—june, 1985 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE

PLAYBILL

THE WORLD OF PLAYBOY. .... ОИТ ALAS 9
DEAR PLAYBOY; A Дре аата APR эк ааа s en n"
PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS .... EE EPEE AOS он 15
SPORTS ER EERE .. DAN JENKINS 41
MEN..... arr Я .....-..... ASA BABER 43
AGAINST THE WIND... ....CRAIG VETTER 47 Bee
SEX NEWS EE TTS REN 51
THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR .... FERS TH ra 53
DEAR PLAYMATES 57
THE PLAYBOY FORUM......... Rag елита TE
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: SPARKY ANDERSON—candid conversation . .. . EET
THE SECRET LIFE OF LAURENCE LORENCE—article....... LAURENCE GONZALES 78
PRIZE PULITZER—pictorial оу е 82
SYMBIONT- fiction . M" " ОООО ..... ROBERT SILVERBERG 90
POOL HUSTLING—fashion 3 : ... HOLLIS WAYNE 92
DEVASTATIN' DEVIN—playboy's playmate of the month... . s RD
PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES—humor ..... КОТ, А Fosa LUZ
THE RAT-RACE DIEI—article. eene: STUART M. BERGER MD. 114
PLAYBOY'S GIFTS FOR DADS & GRADS— merchandise n7
HOW TO LIVE WITH ANOTHER PERSON—humor BRUCE JAY FRIEDMAN 121
MAKE MINE A MARTINI—drink . . . . 7 ++... MAYNARD F. THOMSON 124
MORE TASTE, LESS OVERACTING GENE SISKEL ond ROGER EBERT 127
THE LENS OF LOVE- pictorial... EN 132
QUARTERLY REPORTS: SYSTEMS—article ......... ANDREW TOBIAS 145
20 QUESTIONS: TOM WATSON 148
PLAYBOY GUIDE: ELECTRONIC ENTERTAINMENT . . ana TPR
PLAYBOY ON THE SCENE ... TATANA aah 21

Free-Style Fashion P. 92

COVER STORY

Ravishing Roxanne Pulitzer, captured for our cover by Contributing Photogra-
pher Richard Fegley, played the lead in the wildest trial of recent times—her
scandalous divorce from superheir Peter Pulitzer. For more on those trumpet
rumors and much more of the brassy Roxanne, turn to Prize Pulitzer, begin-
ning on page 82. (Sunglasses by Optica, Chicago, as they used to say on
Queen for o Day, ond swimsuit by Chicago's Schwartz's Intimate Apparel.)

GENERAL orrıces:

PLAYBOY

HUGH M. HEFNER
editor and publisher

NAT LEHRMAN associate publisher

ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director
TOM STAEBLER art director
CARY COLE photography director
C. BARRY GOLSON executive editor

EDITORIAL

NONFICTION: JAMES MORGAN articles editor; ков
FLEDER senior editor; FICTION: ALICE К. TURNER
editor; TERESA GROSCH associate editor; PLAYBOY
GUIDES: Maury Z LEVY editor; WEST COAST:
ҰРНЕХ RANDALL editor; STAFF: GRETCHEN
EDGREN, WILLIAM J. HELMER, PATRICIA PAPANGELIS
(administration), DAVID STEVENS senior editors;
ROBERT E CARR, WALTER LOWE, JR., JAMES К. PETER:
SEN, JOHN REZEK Senior staff wrilers; KEVIN СООК.
BARBARA NELLIS, DAVID SIMMONS, KATE NOLAN, J. F
O'CONNOR, SUSAN MARGOLIS-WINTER (new york)
associate editors; MONA PLUMER assistant editor;
MODERN LIVING: ED WALKER associate editor;
JIM BARKER assistant editor; FASHION: HOLLIS
WAYNE editor; HOLLY BINDERUP assistant editor;
CARTOONS: MICHELLE URRY editor, COPY: AR
LEXE ROURAS editor; JOYCE RUBIN assistant editor;
NANCY BANKS, CAROLYN BROWSE, PHILLIP COOPER
JACKIE JOHNSON, MARCY MARCHI, MARY ZION
researchers; CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: asa
BABER, STEPHEN BIRNBAUM (travel), JOHN BLUMEN-
THAL, E. JEAN CARROLL, LAURENCE GONZALES, LAW
RENCE GROBEL, D. KEITH MANO, ANSON MOUNT, DAVID
RENSIN, RICHARD RHODES, JOHN SACK, TONY
SCHWARTZ, DAVID SHEFF, DAVID STANDISH, BRUCE
WILLIAMSON (movies), GARY WITZENBURG

ART
RERIG POPE managing director; CHET SUSKI, LEN
WILLIS senior directors; BRUCE HANSEN, THEO KOL
varsos associate directors; KAREN GAEBE, KAREN
GUTOWSKY junior directors; JOSEPH YACZER assist-
ат director; FRANK LINDNER, DANIEL REED, ANN
SEIDL ам assistants; SUSAN HOLMSTROM traffic coor
dinator; BARBARA HOFEMANadministrative manager

PHOTOGRAPHY

MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast editor; JEFF COHEN
senior editor; LINDA KENNEY, JAMES LARSON, JANICE
MOSES. MICHAEL ANN SULLIVAN associate editors;
PATTY BEAUDET assistant editor; POMPEO POSAR Sen-
ior staff photographer; DAVID MECEY. KERRY MORRIS
staff photographers: DAVID CHAN. RICHARD FEGLEY
ARNY FREYTAG, RICHARD 1201, LARRY L. LOGAN. KEN
MARCUS. STEPHEN WAYDA contributing photogra-
hers; TRIA HERMSEN. FLYCE KAPOLAS, PATRICIA
TOMLINSON stylists; james warn color lab supervi-
Sor; ROBERT CHELIUS business manager

PRODUCTION
JOHN MASTRO director; MARIA MANDIS manager;
TLEANORE WAGNER, JODY JURGETO, RICHARD
QUARTAROLL, RITA JOHNSON assistants

READER SERVICE
CYNTHIA LACEY-SIKICH manager

CIRCULATION

RICHARD SMITH director; ALVIN WIENOLD subscrip-
tion manager

ADVERTISING
CHARLES M. STENTIFORD director

ADMINISTRATIVE
1 в там postas assistant publisher; MARCIA
TERRONES rights ES permissions manager; EILEEN
KENT contracts administrator

PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES, INC.
CHRISTIE HEFNER president

Now you can watch the Cowboys
and the Indians.

Кеч v
CÓ
К 4

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PLAYBOY

Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health.

THE WORLD OF PLAYBOY

in which we offer an insider

ook at what's doing and who's doing it

FOR A BOOST IN THE RATINGS,
WHO YOU GONNA CALL?

A recent Cheers episode featured a
Playmate softball team. Here sports
fans Jeana Tomasina, John Ratzen-
berger, Marcy Hanson, George Wendt
and Ola Ray(leftto right below) cuddle
at the bar. Right: Playmates Victoria
Cooke, Marcy Hanson, Denise Michele
Kellogg, Susie Scott and Michele
Drake meet Sherman Hemsley and
Franklin Coveron CBS’ The Jeffersons.

CASTING
FOR ALL THE
RIGHT CURVES

Half the funis in gettingto
the finished product. Penn-
sylvania sculptor Jack
Thompson molds his fig-
ures by getting nude girls
plastered (above, it's mod-
ei Sydney Coale), then
adding anything from a
wolfs head to an arti-
choke. If you watch The
Playboy Channel's Playboy
Video Magazine, you may
see Thompson in action.

REACHING OUT TO NIGHT'S CHILDREN

February saw a star-studded benefit, hosted
by Hef at Playboy Mansion West, raisealmost
$50,000 for Children of the Night. The Los
Angeles-based group plans to build a shel-
ter for hundreds of street children, most of
them runaways. Putting hands together in
the effort were (left to right) Dr. Lois Lee,
founderof Children of the Night, Hef and Hill
Street Blues' Joe Spano and Betty Thomas.

WHO YOU GONNA CALL? (PART 11)

When the film Into the Night needed a world's
worth of beauty, director John Landisturned
to our Playmates. Men the world over dream
nightly of (top row) Dona Speir as Miss West-
em Europe, Veronica Gamba as Miss South
„ Heidi Sorenson as Miss Scan-
and (bottom row) Lesa Ann Pedriana
as Miss Asia, Susie Scott as Miss Eastern
Europe and Carina Persson as Miss Australia.

DEAR PLAYBOY

ADDRESS DEAR PLAYBDY
PLAYBOY BUILDING
919 N. MICHIGAN AVE.
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611

FREE THE STRONGER SEX
When John Gordon asked What Else Do
Women Want? (r.avsoy, March), I fully
expected reports of zealous libbers' rip-
ping open zippers to get at the last hanging
remains of our beleaguered manhood. I've
felt frustrated since the Sixties, trving to
figure out whether to shake it or dab it dry
in the men's room. My decision was to
stand up and shake it, sometimes quite
robustly. Gordon has a new fan.
Gary P. Skaggs
Huntsville, Alabama

After reading What Else Do Women
Want?, I can only say it's about time some-
one spoke up. I believe that most men
want women to have a fair deal. The femi-
nist lobby has gathered an excessive
amount of power, however—power that is
not being used in the best interests of
women or men.

Fred Gibson
Indio, California

Your magazine never fails to contain
thoughtprovoking articles, and, as a
woman, I enjoy them (yes, I manage to get
the magazine а from my boyfriend
occasionally). But in What Else Do Women
Want?, there are a couple of inaccuracies.
It's the National Organization for Women,
not of Women (a minor point, secmingly,
but we may as well get it right). Also, the
attempted ban on pornography in Indian-
apolis was targeted only at depictions of
rape in so-called blue movies and print
material, not at sex in general. PLAYBOY'S
articles are frequently referred to and
quoted; its reputation and standards arc
too high to allow for misinformation.

Kelly Church
Indianapolis, Indiana

Shame on you, млүвоү! What
Women. Want? is not only offensive and sex-
ist, it's inaccurate as well. 1 expect better
from you—I read rLAvBoy because I am a
feminist and a civil libertarian. First ofall,

NOW—the National Organization for
Women—does not advocate legal or politi-
cal sexism in favor of women. We support
decisions (in such cases as child custody or
alimony) that are gender blind; i.e., with-
out regard to whether litigants are female
or male. Most feminists are against the
draft, but if there is to be one, we believe it
should apply equally to females and
males. We advocate full equality for
women in the military, knowing there can
never be full equality in our society until
all members bear equal responsibility for
its defense. I could continue, but I think
you get the point—take all of Gordon's
descriptions of the tenets of feminism with
a large grain of salt. Most feminists are
fighting for equality for everyone.
Catherine A. Fiorello
Lexington, Kentucky

I could not agree more with Gordon. I
noticed some time ago that the so-called
weaker sex has us by the short and curlics

John Smith
Mankota, Saskatchewan

Although I don't agree with all of Gor-
don's ideas, his main one is much needed.
Men must organize to keep the pendulum
of equality from swinging too far toward
women. Equality of the sexes is only right,
but it must be across-the-board equality
Where can I get in touch with the Coali-
tion of Free Men?

Michael R. Myler
Collinsville, Illinois
Write to the Coalition of Free Men at P.O.
Box 129, Manhasset, New York 11030, or
punch out your telephone to the tune of
516-482-6378.

PUBIC POLICY

I, of course, applaud Hugh Hefner's
remarks (Media, в.лувох, March) on free-
dom of the press and the Harper's round
table on pornography, in which I was a
participant. Hefner is lucky to have a
forum that accords him a well-read,

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PLAYBOY

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well-circulated reply, as well as one that
introduces him to countless beautiful
women. The only women my newspaper
introduces me to are public-health nurses.
I have participated in countless “debates”
on censorship and have come to the con-
clusion that they do not really have any-
thing to do with freedom of the press or
pornography. That issue is just a blind to
dissemble the real meat of the matter: the
centuries-old debate between sexual posi-
tivists and the nattering nabobs of sexual
negativism. These latter may clothe them-
selves in the holier-than-thou vestments of
family or feminism; but basically, they are
people who hate sex, distrust it and re-
press it. We must repeat to ourselves like a
mantra: Sex is good; nakedness is a joy; an
erection is beautiful. Hefner is an exam-
ple to everyone fighting the puritan bullies
Don’t let the bastards get you limp.

AI Goldstein, Publisher

Screw Magazine

New York, New York

RACE RIOT
Oh, cmon, Roy Blount Jr! Is The
Repackaging of Carl Lewis (pLaveov,
March) an example of white humor—the
racial opposite of black humor? All Lewis
did was beat everybody else in the world
at four Olympic events—the dream of
every athlete. But Blount is pissed. Lewis
doesn't fit his image of the all-American,
God-fearin”, apple-pic-eating (and, by
implication, white) sports hero. The real
problem is that Lewis can run and jump,
but he hasn't learned to shuffle and show
those pearly whites on command. Yassuh!
Ken Wibecan
Compton, California

MARCH CR DIE?

What happened to Against the Wind in
the March issue? My fellow morticians
and I look forward to Craig Vetter's sar-
donic wit every month—bring back this
working-man's daredevil.

William Svedge
Chicago, Illinois

Vetter replies: | know what you guys are
wailing for, but you'll have to wait a little
longer for this daredevil. Ignore any reports
of my demise—the March absence was just a
vacation.

WE'RE NUMBER ONE
Congratulations to Anson Mount for

predicting—in August 1984's Pro Football
Preview—that the Miami Dolphins would
play the San Francisco 49ers in Super
Bowl XIX. He forecast that the 49ers
would have “another Super year in San
Francisco" and win “all the marbles.”
The team of the year went 18-1 and
destroyed the Dolphins in the Super Bowl
How sweet it is!

B. W. Lec

San Francisco, California

Having just recovered from a stupor

caused by the 49ers’ thrashing of the

Miami Mahi-Mahi, I must congratu-
late Mount on his uncanny foresight. By
the way, Anson, how would you feel about
an all-expenses-paid trip to Reno? A guy
like you could come in handy there. Just
let me know.

Bob Ariana

Pleasant Hill, California

Not only did Mount hit exactly the right

butions in calling this year's Super Bowl,
according to the annual Wyatt Survey, his
“Pigskin Preview" tied with Sports Ilus-
trated to lead the pack in college football
forecasting. Pretty fierce for a guy who (sorry,
Bob) never places a bet.

SEQUINED SUIT
Contrary to a statement in The Year in

Sex (r.avsov, February), the suit brought
by my client Scott Thorson against Walter
Liberace has not been dismissed. One
cause of action, a breach-of-contract
count, was dismissed, but 11 others are
still pending; the case still exists in the
superior court of the state of California for
the county of Los Angeles. As matters now
stand, your readers are under the impres-
sion that Thorson has lost when, in fact,
the matter has yet to go to trial. We hope
you will take the time to clarily this situa-
tion so that it may be fairly tried before an
unbiased tribunal.

Michael B. Rosenthal

Bcverly Hills, California

NAKED ALASKA
"Thanks for your pictorial Ranger in Par-
adise (pLaysoy, March), with Alaska forest
ranger Toni Westbrook. She is a very
lovely lady. Most of all, being a tattoo art-
ist, I admire the tattoo on her inner
thigh—it is beautiful, very well done. A
diamond could never be a part of Miss
Westbrook, as her tattoo is. Let me con-
gratulate you and thank her for sharing
her beauty with your readers.
A. J. Arambura
San Ygnacio, Texas

FACT AND FICTION

Sergio Ramírez, certainly an important
political figure, is also an author of the first
rank—as shown by his short story Even
Charles Atlas Dies (т\лувоу, April). It is a
strange, fantastic tale full of sound, fury
and significance. Bravo.

M. Mason
Chicago, Illinois
Ramirez’ story, skillfully translated for us
by Раш Goepfert, is a PLayBoY landmark—
our first piece of fiction by a vice-president. A
subject of September 1983' “Playboy Inler-
view" with the Sandinistas, Ramírez is

vice-president of Nicaragua.

DRESS FOR DISTRESS

We are quite pleased that you selected
our LT250RF Quad Racer as the lead item
in Big Wheels (Playboy Guide: Wheels,
March), but there are two things wrong
with the way it is shown that affect not
only Suzuki but all makers of all-terrain

vehicles. First, they are never to be ridden
by more than one person—and are
equipped with warning stickers to that
effect. Second, and more serious, the two
riders you picture have on almost no cloth-
ing, no helmets, no gloves and no boots.
"This is also against the written warnings
displayed on all our A.T.V.s. All-terrain
vehicles are very enjoyable recreational
vehicles, but they can be dangerous. Peo-
ple do fall off, and to imply, as you do in
your photograph, that riders need not
heed the specific warnings of the manulac-
turer is irresponsible

Rob Sanders

U.S. Suzuki Motor Corporation

Brea, California

WE LIKE IT, TOO
March Playmate Donna Smith is the

most elegant and classy woman I've seen

in a while; she just reaffirms my conviction

that PLAYBOY has the finest taste of amy

men's magazine. Donna's pictorial is

worth every penny of my subscription.
Merle N. Long
Harrodsburg, Kentucky

What can I say about Miss March,
Donna Smith? Well, the Big Bopper said it
best—"Oh, baby, that's what I like."

Ron Lapointe
Westchester, Illinois

PECS AND ASS
"This photo was taken last Halloween
We became Bunnies as a joke but wound
up winning first prize at the largest bar in
the Fargo/Moorhead area. For our con-
quest, we won $180 and instant recogni
tion on the North Dakota State University
campus
Tim Cheever, Doug Van Lerberghe,
Тот Bruce, Mitch Campagna, Jeff
Pflipsen and Doug Boe (left to right)
Fargo, North Dakota
With legs like those, men, you're luchy you
weren't instantly turned into stew. Your tan

lines need some work, but the real Bunnies
around here think Tom may have potential.

You've arrived..

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The luxurious running shoe in soft Reebok garment leather, for men

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PLAYBOY AFTER

CLASSLESS STRUGGLE

In the midst of an international relief
effort to provide food for Ethiopia, the offi-
cial Soviet news agency, Tass, has
announced a foreign-aid program to send
the famine-stricken nation aerobic-dance
instructors. “In Ethiopia there are now a
great many who want to practice rhythmic
gymnastics," reported Tass. "Soviet spe-
cialists who have been specially invited
will help set up aerobics sections in this
frican country.”

Why Johnny can't understand: Nine
students at the University of Pittsburgh
received tuition refunds because they
could not comprehend the English spoken

by their forcign-born instructors.
.

Brace yourself, Maggie:
Fairbairn, former solicitor general for
Scotland, told the House of Commons that
Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher had
rejected the sexual advances of a drunken
dignitary at Holyrood Palace in Scotland
He tells the story this way: "A gentleman
who for reasons of chivalry I will not men-
tion but who occupies grand office had
taken grandly of wine. Therefore, as wine

Nicholas

docs, he allowed veritas to overcome him
So he went up to the prime minister and,
in words 1 will not use, said to her that he
had always fancied her. To which the
prime minister replied, "Quite right. You
have very good taste, but I just don't think

you would make it at the moment." ”
.
The boring, but the "Dear
Abby” headline in the Parkersburg, West

Virginia, Sentinel certainly wasn't: “мом

letter's

BLOWS LUCY'S DATE.”

EVERYBODY INTO THE POOL
Groucho would be proud: This may
have been the ultimate game of You Bet
Your Life. Accepting the jailhouse premise
that death-row inmates will bet on any-

thing, James David Autry ran a betting John Daugherty said, “I had a mustache

pool just before his execution at Huntsville
prison in Texas. Inmates bought squares
on a board selecting the time they thought
Autry would be pronounced dead, using
commissary items as wagering loot. The
lucky winner scooped up winnings worth
$280. Had Autry won a stay of execution,
he would have received the pot. Talk about

having your bets all locked up.
.

As if we didn't know. The University of
Michigan's Institute for Social Research,
having followed 17,000 high school gradu-
ates to chart their habits, reported this
sobering finding in the Journal of Personal-
ity and Social Psychology: Being married
coincides with reduced drug and alcohol

use, while living with a lover does not.
.

The Houston Post has a section it calls
“The Last Word,” in which Houstonians
sound offon a number of topics. About one

such— "the wo

st present vou ever got"

at one time and I got a T-shirt that said,
MUSTACHE RIDES 30 CENTS."
.

Frank A. Messina of Centerville, Penn-
sylvania, had his license suspended ten
years ago, and he thinks the trauma of it
ruined his life and reputation. Hence, he is
suing the state transportation department
for $5,764,609,563,143,700.48. We'll just
round that out to six quadrillion dollars
and hope he'll remember wc gave him the
publicity he deserves

Last year, Osborne Computer Com-
pany, which had been operating under the
supervision of a Federal bankruptcy court,
decided to charge for materials in its latest
press kit. An invitation was mailed out to
reporters with a price list showing fees of
$1.19 for a news relcase and $1.69 for a
black-and-white glossy photo. “These
nominal prices do entitle one to unlimited

follow-up questions,” the invitation con-
tinued. Did Osborne really expect the
press to buy promotional material? No,
confessed Thomas Mahon, the company
public-relations consultant. It
attempt at humor,” he said, adding, “We

was “an

meant the invitation to show that despite
its troubles, the company hasn't lost a
sense of fun." And what did Osborne learn
from its experiment? “The press doe

have much of a sense of humor.”

DEAD LAST TO KNOW
A response to the telephone-company
ad that asks, “It’s Sunday, have you called
your mother yet?” might have spared the
family of 80-year-old Blanche Hansen a

big surprise. Her children had been feud-

ing with one another, and cach assumed

the others had kept in touch with their
mother, who sulfered emotional
problems and lived
bungalow, It wasnt
buried the hatchet

from
reclusively in a
until the kids
and started to

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ask one another how Mom was doing that
they realized something might be wrong.
When they went to her house, they discov-
ered Mrs. Hansen in her living room,
where she had been lying dead for at least
a year. “Ir sounds dumb," conceded son-
aw Ken Evenson, “but that’s what
happened." Happy Mother's Day.
.

Consumer note: Screw, the newspaper
for the raincoat set, interviewed a hooker
about her job and the misconceptions that
surround it. Among her comments
“There are two practices that all girl:
without exception, really despise. One
trick trying to stick his finger up a girl's
ass. I've never understood that. Nobody
understands it in this business; we really
don't. Second, Johns who slobber all over
us are annoying. We all think it’s disgust-
ing. Who wants to get licked all over her
body?”

Аз long as they don't pass it into law
Before a new session opens, the first order
of business for members of the Illinois
House of Representatives is the switching
of desks. It was no doubt this shuflling that
prompted House Clerk John F. O'Brien to
firmly but politely instruct representatives
as the latest session began, “Please do not
remove your drawers."

BUT IS IT ART?

It sold at auction for a mcasly $50. A
month later, however, the weather-beaten
hunk of wood was being acclaimed as a
work of art. Elaine de Kooning confirmed
that the unsigned object had, indeed, been
painted 30 years ago by her husband,
famed artist Willem de Kooning. And de
Kooning canvases, as art lovers know,
fetch as much as $2,000,000.

But this is not canvas. It's a spilly threc-
hole scating arrangement used in an out-
house behind a Civil War-era home on
Bridgehampton, New York's, Main
Street.

BUT IS IT ART? (PART TWO)

Lit a conspiracy or simply a mutual-
admiration society. Two interior designers
recently shelled out a record $4835 at a
Sotheby auction in New York—for waste-
baskets. Each bought a dashing dustbin
designed by the other.

Mario Buatta bid $3100 for onc
designed by fellow designer Sister Parish.
I'm going to put it in the middle of the
room and tell everyone that [she] did my
house,” he told The New York Times
proudh
arish returned the compliment by pur-
chasing a Buatta-designed trash receptacle
for a mere $1735. No word on what type of
garbage she'll design to fill it.

In 2 brochure for the seventh annual
Napa Valley Marathon, registration and
prerace requirements instruct prospective
runners to "mail entry form with chick."

PRE-EMPTIVE STRIKES: 1985

A good way to make sports predictions is to analyze statistics. Taking a peek at the
team physician's private files is even beller. Being a blood relative of an aging athlete's
bookie is probably the best. But the most intriguing predictions come from a clairvoyant
satirist. The following are by that swami of swat, Lenny Kleinfeld.

*Shca Stadium will
be the first ball park to
offer seating in armed
and unarmed sections.

* Following the
team’s first post-season
appearance in 39 years.
Chicago Cubs season
tickets will become the
most volatile item
traded on the commod-
exchange; Federal
ll step in
t broth-
crs attempt to corner
September box-seat
futures.

regulato
when the Hu

the National League
West just before the
All-Star break, as Ted
Burgoyne strikes oi
seven Giants in a row
with fast balls clocked
at 117 mph.

e Ata game in Ana-
heim, California, а
Dave Winfield fly ball
will knock down a
orthbound Сеѕы
Although its pilot will
walk away Irom his
crash landing, he will
be arrested when offi-
als discover the
plane's contents.

* The Los Angeles
Dodgers will unlcash a
reliever named Ted Burgoyne.
s a 106-mph fast ball. He'll
open his season with seven saves and
an ERA. of .003; his agent will
demand that his contract be renegoti-
ated.

* New York Yankees owner. George
Steinbrenner will declare complete
confidence in manager Yogi Bcrra;
later that day. Steinbrenner will
become the first owner to show up on
the mound during a game to discuss a
pitching change.

© There will not be one day all sea-
son when George Brett, Mike Schmidt,
Dave Kingman and Bob Horner arc all
healthy enough to pl

* In order to refüte charges that it's
too hot to play there in the summer,
Phoenix entrepreneur:
major-league franchise will announce
plans to build the
stadium.

* The Dodgers will give Ted Bur-
goyne a new 18-year contract with
annual payment pegged at ten percent
of that year's national debt. At a press
conference, Burgoyne will boyishly
duck his head and say, “I guess this
means 1 can get the brakes on my
Subaru rclined.

* When Cincinnati Reds first basc-
man Pete Rose mulls a routine
grounder, Reds manager Pete Rose will
angrily pull Pete out of the game, which
makes Pete so mad that he throws his
glove at Pete’s head, whereupon Pete,
who {ears none of his players, socks
Pete in the j im to take a
swing at the umpire who tries to step
between them.

© Ted Burgoyne will
set oll an airport metal detector, which
will lead to his arrest for possession of
criminal amounts of bionic machinery
in his throwing arm. A judge will offer
him a choice between 15-20 in the
slammer and a week in a clinic for
removal of his machinery.

© The summer's hit film will be Bad
News Bears V, in which Jodie Foster
pitches Yale to an Ivy League title but
loses her center fielder (Rob Lowe) to
her archrival, Princeton's Brooke
Shields. Comic relief will be provided

imothy Hutton as
depressive catcher and John
as a fun-loving minor-league tal-
ent scout

*Late in September, commissioner
Peter Ueberroth will order that tempo-
rary lights be installed at Wrigley Field
and the Cubs will play their first home

ight game ever. As Ryne Sandberg
steps to the plate in the bottom of the
ninth with two out and the score tied,
the earth will open and swallow the
park, Lake Michigan will rise and flood
Chicago's North Side and plagues of
frogs. locusts and TV programmers
will fall from the heavens.

e ABC-TV will interrupt the first
game of the series for a 30-minute Up
Close & Personal with ‘Ted Burgoyne,
who reveals, “It was just something th
guys on my high school team did for
fun. First it was a prosthetic fingernail
to scuff balls with; no big deal. Then an
alumnus gave me a Teflon-coated mag-
sium rotator cuff, and the next thing
I knew. . . . Hey, 1 was surprised as
anyone to find out how much stuff Га
put in my arm over the years.”

Т l

COFFEE-TABLE
BOOK OF
THE MONTH

From the country that brought us
sushi, shoguns ond Subarus, now
come shungo—highbrow erotic
wood-block prints. These things
have been oround for some time,
the form reoching its peak during
the 17th ond 18th centuries. The
prints depict Joponese people
(courtesons ond their clients ond
olso just ploin folks) exploring
their sexuolity in woys that moy
not hove occurred to Westerners.
These ore "pictures of the
tronsistory world"—os the style
is described—and so it is with
delicocy ond sometimes humor
thot the ortists take o peek ot pil-
lowing. Hond and foot gestures
hove special meanings, ond geri-
tol exoggerations are all part of
the fun. A collection of these
prints, Ukiyoe Shunga, will be
avoiloble this summer—for
oround $3000. But the price in-
cludes a nifty box to put them in.

WORDSTAR

door and take your chances.

Warren Beatty usually comes in late
and will sit anyplace. Warren is nevera
problem. He has lots of friends. I don't
know if they're girlfriends. It’s never
a problem scating him and them,
because he's always friendly. The writ-
ers like to sit at the fourth table. Nor-
man Mailer, Bruce Jay Friedman, Jack
Richardson, Gay Talese, Bob Scheer
have sat there. George Plimpton sits in

the back room, Bill Styron in the front.
Besides keeping people apart, I also
bring them together. Dan Jenkins is
crazy about Rod Steiger. They had
never met, so I introduced them. I
introduced Mario Puzo to Lino
Ventura, the Italian actor; they're
crazy about cach other's work. People
who are in town for the day know that if
they come here, ГЇЇ take care of them
Not everybody who comes in here is

a celebrity. We get people from all walks oflife. We try to seat
everybody. A cardiac specialist saved a guy’s life here. He
arranged for a triple bypass. I'd say he’s a celebrity

Elaine Kaufman (hostess of New York café society): You
have to know how to fill up your room and make it colorful
You have no control over who shows up. You just open the means. In general. women are more finicky than men
There are about 180 seats in the room, surrounded by
booths and tables for two, three and four. We are always
replacing chairs. We've seated some pretty heavy people.

The best table depends upon what you want. Woody Allen
to sit in the back of the room. He’s a people watcher.

Max Klimavicius
someone asks me for a good table, I ask what he or she

THE FINE ART
OF SEATING

famous comes in and I don't recognize him; that the cus-
tomer says to me, “Do you know who I am? Where in the
world are you taking me?"

(maitre d’ of Sardi's) When

Part of my job is to be up on things:
what plays are showing, who's in
town. If a couple breaks up and one
happens to make a reservation the
same night as the other, 1 have to make
sure to say where so-and-so is sitting.
Some will cancel or ask to bc seated
where they won't see cach other.
Others will ask to sit at the next table.
Sometimes a customer is grateful for a
table. We hav line on the check for
gratuities for the waiters and captains.
But I'm a тайге d’. It is bad manners
to hand a maitre d' money in the open
Occasionally, moncy will end up in my
pocket that has been discreetly handed
to me. I never look. At the end of the
night, Dm always surprised by how
much money I end up with. By the

way, it happens—and it’s very embar-
rassing when it docs—that someone

MAKING-ART-
MORE-SIMPLE
AWARD

You can't tell the players
without a score card. In the
performing arts, even the
glossy program, with its notes
and pictures, isn't enough
The folks at the Cleveland
Ballet decided to put their
entire 37-person roster on
baseball cards, complete with
full-color photos on the front
and vital statistics —hc

HANK WILLIAMS, JR.,
PUTS EVERYTHING
IN PERSPECTIVE

WHAT'S YOUR EXPERT
ADVICE FOR KIDS
ABOUTSEX AND DRUGS?

but don't get no drugs! But it's going to go
in one car and right out the other. They're going to learn
on their own. They're going to get into sex, so there's no
usc kidding yourself. I'd worry a lot more about the drugs
than I would about the sex. I don't think sex can kill them.

Get a lot of sex,

WHAT WILL YOU SAY TO YOUR DAUGHTERS FIRST DATE?

Hope you don't act like 1 did." But boys will be boys.
That's something all daddies dread, I guess. There are
worse things than getting laid in the back of a car.

YOU'RE STRANDED ON A DESERT ISLAND. WHAT THREE THINGS DO
YOU WANT WITH YOU?

Some linguine and white clam sauce. A 44 Magnum.
And a woman with staying power.

Just when we thought we
knew where to get a sturdy
letter drop, we came
across an ad for a Nuclear
Mail Box. Its probably
the last one you'll ever
have to buy. Galvanized
steel plate, rustproof,
saltproof, 20 pounds heav-
ier than the usual ones—
and if a 20-megaton
warhead drops in unes
pectedly, it’s guaranteed
to “Survive a nuclear
explosion or we'll refund
double its cos" JS&A
Group, Inc. of North-
brook, Illinois, swears it'll
double your $99 back—
provided, of course, you
can locate its customer-
service department.

town, training and where
the dancer spent his or her
rookie years—on the back.
The idea behind the cards is
to bring dance to patrons who
may be more familiar with a
ium than with a theater
“The cards oller our audi-
ences a better chance to get
ow the players.” said
Ballet president
Andrew Bales. The cards sell
for $5.50 a pack or 15 cents
apiece. You are invited to
call the Cleveland Ballet at
216-621-2260 to get your set

Н „ЕЗЕР
SWEET REVENGE

Revenge is one of our basest
emotions and, as such, should
be reserved for only those
occasions whe
cised with grace, precision
and economy. We've collected
some examples:

* The husband had spent
20 years painstakingly asscm-
bling onc of the
cellars in the Midwest.
nasty months of divorce
proceedings, the wife ended
up owning the house and
everything in it. But the first
time she went downstairs to
fetch a bottle of `
Rothschild, she

tcan be exer-

inest wine

E A EEE

that the labels had been
soaked off every bottle, the
lead foil peeled from every
cork and all thc bortles mixed
up so that no two identical
ones were in the same rac

* A successful advertising
copywriter was having an
affair with a journalism grad
student, who soon moved in
with him. Shortly afterward.
he found out from a friend in
another agency that she'd
been applying for copywriting
jobs, using a video cassette of
his commercials as samples of
her own work, Her next job
interview made quite an
impression. Someone had
erased the commercials on

her cassette and replaced
them with a homemade tape
of the writer and the student
getting down to business.

* A California husband
who had found a new sweetie
instructed his wife 10 sell all
their community | property
and said they'd split the total.
He even agreed to let her sell
the true love of his life—his
«vintage Porsche. Hed rather
have it end up with a stranger
than with his soon-to-be ex

Later, she gave him a check
for his share and an itemized
receipt. She'd gotten a good
price for cverything—except
the Porsche, which she'd sold
toa migrant worker for $75.

id Ritz began work on Divided

Soul: The Life of Marvin Gaye ( McGraw-
Hill) several years before the sweet-voiced
Motown star was shot by his father in
April 1984. He was therefore able to lace
together Gaye's own points of view, as col-
lected in a series of interviews, with the
remembrances of most of those who knew
him well (a glaring exception: Motown
founder Berry Gordy). Ritz tends toward
psychoanalysis, but that may be the best
way to create order out of Gaye's chaotic
life. He was a deeply troubled man, bat-
tered as a child by his father, subject to
extreme stage fright’ and ambivalent
toward women. Much to Ritz's credit,
Gayc emerges here as a believable charac-
ter and a profound artist who deserved the
deep feelings most of us retain for him
This is a compelling book, as fine as
Brother Ray, Ritz's study of Ray Charles.

In his novel The Floating Island: A Tale of
Washington (Houghton Mifflin), former
Washington. Post Magazine writer Garrett
Epps shows us what we've al
pected: that our tax dollars go to support
the most screwed-up, most riotous, most
self-serving, most incestuous, most useless,
most unintentionally comic bureaucracy
the free world has ever known. Take Clark
Guppy, the pollster who argues in statisti-
cal double talk, or Gerald Nash, who used
to lobby for the horse-meat industry
(excuse us, The Equine Defense Fund), or
Three Fingers Zardovsky, who used to
play baseball but now plays grants-
manship in the endless halls of Govern-
ment, or Diana Cazadora, a TV
newswoman with great legs and an
nstinct for the story. When you read
Epps, you suddenly understand that
Washington is a city inhabited entirely by
comedians. No wonder our taxes are so
high. Comedy costs!

There's a trend in business books to-
ward taking the mystery out of rising to the
top. We used to be told how to unlock the
secrets to success; but now we're told that
the ingredients arc nearby, perhaps buricd
deep in the psyche. Allan Cox, a successful
head-hunter, has put together in The Mok-
ing of the Achiever (Dodd. Mead) a variety
of short takes—quizzes, homilies, indexes
and assignments—designed to convince
you that the good boss is first and foremost
à good guy. He listens, touches, smiles,
shows vulnerability, cares about others
and, in short, doesn't hide the fact that he
puts his pants on one leg at a time—just
like the rest of us. It’s heartening to know
that business authorities arc finally recog-
nizing that nice guys not only can but
should and do finish first.

Richard Schickel—the only movie critic

in America, it seems, who docsn't have his.

ys sus-

Ritz's compelling look at a Divided Soul.

A capital comedy,
celebrity clichés and a
tribute to a Motown legend.

Strangers not so intimate.

own regular TV slot—has gotten his
revenge: Intimate Strangers: The Culture of
Celebrity (Doubleday). His goal: “to write
a book about the power of celebrity and
how it works on those who have it, on
those who want it and on a society like
ours, which places a large and thoughtless
value on it." One gets the impression that
Schickel is a great thinker who will set us
ght, Instead, one discovers that he reads
People magazine with a bookmark. Inti-
mate Strangers has its amusing moments
(“In the apocryphal story, the first Holly-
wood type proclaims the news, “Elvis
Presley is dead’ and the second responds,
‘Good career move "). But overall, the

book is drivel of the lowest order and not
as much fun as People, ai

BOOK BAG
Mailer: His Life and Times (Simon &
Schuster), by Peter Manso: Frequent

PLAYBOY contributor Manso has stitched
together Norman Mailer's life from per-
sonal testimony by everyone: relatives,
Army buddies, 'es, editors, publishers,
friends and even some enemies. The
results are absolutely fascinating and set
Mailer where he belongs—in the first rank
both of writers and of unique personalities.
Get it.

Best of "The Realist” (Running Press),
edited by Paul Krassner: This is a trip
down memory lane, filled with chuckles
and nostalgia for a time when people actu-
ally got excited about social and political
issues. Some of this stuff can still annoy
you. 100.

Once a Champion (Dodd, Mcad), by Stan
Hart: With too much tedious detail and a
few sublime sentences. Hart recounts his
efforts to play tennis with all the greats of
yesteryear, from Gussie Moran to Pancho
Gonzales. His matches with Frank Parker
and Bobby Riggs and a royal chewing out
by Alice Marble are highlights, but Once a
Champion is mainly for those who spend a
lot of time covering their base lines.

To Bear Any Burden (Dutton), by Al
Santoli: The author of Everything We Had
conducıs a scries of interviews with both
Americans and Southeast Asians about
their experiences in Vietnam. The range of
people here is exceptional, and their frank
talk is revealing (Edward Lansdale skew-
ers General Westmoreland's starchy ways
a South Vietnamese oflicer talks about his
conflicts with American advisors; a Viet
Cong agent praises psychological war-
fare). In all, 48 men and women bare their
burdens.

Cousins to the Kudzu (Louisiana State
University), by William Doxey: This
strong first novel chronicles a young doc-
tor's passage through the cultural heat and
humidity of the South during the Thirties.
A blend of accurate smells and quick,
perceptive diagnoses, this book is ggod
medicine.

Evidence of Love (Bantam), by John
Bloom and Jim Atkinson: That the story of
a bizarre Texas-style ax murder can be so
effectively launched with the inspired tell-
ing of a children's religious parable is a
tribute to Dallas writers/reporters Bloom
and Atkinson, who proceed from that lofty
note to explore the private hells of two
suburban middle-class housewives on a
collision course with violence. Evidence of
Love attracted regional attention when
first published by Texas Monthly Press in
1983 and now, deservedly, will reach a
national paperback audience.

THIS IS
IS GOING

if T
— 1

AO0HAVId

FOR EVERYONE WHOSE IDEA OF A PERFECT SUMMER
THREE MONTHS WITHOUT WEARING A JACKET AND TIE.

Available at: Jordan Marsh; Daytor's, Hudson's; Oggs. Lattimers: Altier's; Brickwell: Steve's; Warehouse Wilderness Shop; Lazarus; Abercrombie & Fitch.

Bt ES

"apuro tasar a Ta —

This is about perfect summers.

Summers filled with short days
in the office and long weekends at the
beach.

And it's about the clothes you
love to wear during those long
weekends.

The old shorts, and T-shirts, and
sweatshirts that youlive in all day
long.

And the faded jeans, and
polo shirts, and crew necks that you
change into when you feel like get-
ting dressed up at night

And it's about the shoes that go
perfectly with those clothes.

A pair of Timberland handsewns.

Why Timberlands?

Well, we could tell you how the
leathers, like any fine leathers,
get even softer and more supple the
longer you wear them.

And how the genuine handsewn
moccasin construction makes them
comfortable instantly.

Bat the real reason is something
you'll discover for yourself.

And that's how Timberlands become
a part of your wardrobe, like your
favorite shorts and jeans, that you
hold onto and enjoy for years to come.

Long enough, perhaps, for that
day when you get really lucky.

And your idea of a perfect summer
becomes a reality.

Timberland

The Timberland Company. BJ. Bex 7005, Fortemouth, New Hampshire 03801

MUSIC

Above: Sade Adu, vocalist of the British jazz group Sade (pronounced shar-day). Her lips are
luscious and shapely and her eyes are distinctive, too, but most seductive is her smoky, croon-
ing voice. "You could say that I'm a soul singer in approach," she told us. But not in the style of
Aretha or Tina or Chaka. She's a ballad singer. For the record, she'd like to duet with Bill Withers.

LL LATE FOR JETHRO? Jethro Tull's

leader, lan Anderson, reflects on the
band's inability to draw big audiences in
the United States: “We used to plav to
90,000-odd people in L.A. Now we'd be
hard pressed to play to 20,000. People
want dance-type feels and tempos—
something to lose weight to." Anderson
insists that while 36 is not his age, "lt is
my waist size.” — STEPH PAYNES

CURRENT DANCE: At the end of one
interview of many in a long day, British
nger/songwriter Robert Palmer bull’s-
суса the raison d'étre of his current project
in an uncharacteristically earthy turn of
phrase: "Why does a dog lick its balls?
Because it can. If they can play like that,
then they must."

"The dogs to which Palmer referred are
the four musicians of the group Power Sta-
tion, who recorded the album of the same
name for Capitol. It consists of eight tracks
of the best dance rock extant, even in the
idst of the current dance-rock craze. The
stuff on The Power Station is dangerous
enough to boil your mojo, coming as it
does from a line-up that can only be
regarded as an odd soup: Palmer, a
funkster of high repu and low
"Tony Thompson, drummer from С
perennial guest drummer. for. everybody
cool; Bernard Edwards, Cl sist and
producer; and two members of (давр!
squeal!) Duran Duran, bassist John Taylor
and guitarist Andy Taylor.

The project originated with John Tay-
lor, who thought up the name Duran
Duran in 1977 and hoped that D’ would
be a miracle hybrid of Chic, the Clash and

the Sex Pistols. When the band actually
formed and became something else alto-
gether, Taylor filed the idea under MAYBE
SOMEDAY— "T still believed it could work.”
After Nick Rhodes of Duran introduced
his friend Palmer to Taylor, the two talked
about Taylor's notions every six months or
so. Meanwhile, unbeknown to Palmer,
Taylor was doing some serious plotting.
He had recruited Thompson, who brought
along Taylor's idol, Edwards. Then Andy
Taylor volunteered.
‘rst, it was just going to be a reworking
of the T. Rex chestnut Bang a Gong. Then
it was just going to be an EP of other peo-
ple's hits, with a rotating roster of singers.
But as Palmer got pulled in and the tapes
of song fragments began to travel via inter-
national mail, something started to hap-
pen. "Alchemy," Palmer calls it. Pretty
soon, there were two covers and six origi-
nals co-written by everybody. Wary m
agers and accountants, nervous about big
bills for studio time, finally heard the
music—and swooned.
Will the three

arate audiences of
Chic, Palmer and Duran do likewise?
Palmer and Taylor have visions of more
respectability for Duran, more sales for
Palmer and more suburban kids rooting
for Chic. But they claim they've already
experienced their greatest. thrill, just in
Power Stations making. Alter all, most
dogs don’t care about who's watching
when they hit the magic spot

BORN-AGAIN SPEEDWAGON: IF you

nt some marker of how musical tastes
have changed in the Eighties, look at REO
Speedwagon. In 1981, the band sold zil-
lions of copies of Hi Infidelity. The similar

but less-inspired follow-up Good Trouble
sold far less. Understan
h

bly, lead singer/
ad writer Kevin Cronin wound up wag-
g daily staring matches between himself
and a blank sheet of paper when he tried
to create material for a new album. The
paper won every time, he says. Somehow,
he came up with the songs on the band’s
14th LP, Wheels Are Turning (Epic),
another typical REO homage to its Mid-
western roots—no synthesizers, no New
Wave, no purple anything. Doesn't sound
much like Hitsville in this brave new world
of synthetic riffs, toggles and wah-wahs,
but Wheels hopped onto the charts early
and stayed there, Maybe the world is still
happy with two-lane black-top rock. Cro-
nin doesn't sound worried.

“If it goes up the charts too quick, it's
like sex being too fast,” he laughs. “Let it
be slow, and it's more fun. We're playing
10,000-seaters and selling out about half
the time. At first, we'd get upset on the
nights when only 6000 people showed
we'd worry about the 4000 who didn't.
But we're playing so well now, we forget
about the 4000. They're missing out.”
—LAURAFISSINGER

REVIEWS

Now and then, in this age of electronic
keyboards, it's nice to be reminded just
how evocative the right pair of hands can
be оп a good old grand piano. 175 the
touch that catches you in the acoustic per-
formances on Wall Matthews (Clean Cuts),
and Matthews uses his to tease a full
orchestral sound out of the keys in this
debut solo album. He performs 11 of
his own compositions, plus Lennon and
McCartney's Across the Universe, and all of
them are wonderfully lyrical and moody.
They defy categorization, so the best way
to describe these songs, and Matthews’
way with them, is to say that we've lis-
tened to this album at least a dozen times
and haven't begun to tire of it
*
If you've wondered how the Commo-

dores have been making out without ex-
member Lionel Richie, doni worry
They're doing fine. Their latest album,

Nightshift ( Motown),
life alter Lionel. Band member

[ —- TRUST US — 43

HOT

proof that there is
Walter

Joan Armatrading / Secret Secrets

Restless Heart

The Smiths / Meat Is Murder

Art Ensemble of Chicago / The Third
Decade

Reggae Greats: Sly and Robbie

NOT

Loudness / Thunder in the East

"Clyde" Orange, Ronald LaPread, Wil-
liam "Wak" King and Milan Williams
have added a new lead singer, J. D. Nicho-
las, to the group; he doesn't sound like
Richie but still sounds pretty damn good.
On Nightshift, the Commodores team up
with Peter (Lights Out) Wolf, who
arranged and coproduced five of the
album's nine songs, including the title
tune, a soulful salute to fallen R&B giants
Marvin Gaye and Jackie Wilson, If the
mark of a good album is that you can lis-
ten 10 it several times and still find some-
thing new, Nightshift is a very good album,
and we pick the title track as one of the
best soul songs of 1985. Check it out.

George Thorogood and the Destroyers"
Maverick (EMI America) is proof if not of
reincarnation then of ongoing carnation or
something like it. While others wander
deserts secking the source, Thorogood is
swimming in it—the same bubbling spring
that poured forth the original rock ‘n’ roll,
when he was still in diapers. Even if
George's voice is sometimes as unvarying
as a Kansas interstate, the music over-
comes it easily. This is some of the most
convincing rock we've heard in a while.

Normally, we bow to none in our fond-
ness for rock *n' roll from Cleveland and
environs. Boredom and repression com-
bine again and again in those parts to pro-
ducc great stuff. Unfortunately, that's not
the case with Donnie Iris’ No Muss. .. No
Fuss (НМЕ). There's no inspiration,
either. Some of it sounds like trial theme
songs for "hip" late-night TV talk shows,
some as if it had been retrieved from a
Dumpster outside REO Speedwagon's
recording studio. Albums such as this
could give Cleveland a bad name.

Ever since folks discovered that George
Benson could sing, he's been singing his
muscular little heart out and getting filthy
rich. Unfortunately, he doesn't play much
jazz guitar anymore. If you like the old
George better than the new one, you'll
love the cut Stand Up on 20/20 (Warner).
Benson plays and scat sings the hell out of
the Neil Larsen tunc. On the other hand, if
you're a fan of George Benson, R&B
singer, you won't be disappointed. New
Day and the title track are sure shots for
the soul charts.

SHORT CUTS

Songs of New York: East Side, West Side—All
Around the Town (Book-of-the-Month
Records, Camp Hill, Pennsylvania): A
three-record boxed set of wonderful songs
about the Big Apple, from Lullaby of
Broadway to Autumn in New York. What a
great idea.

Teena Marie / Starchild (Epic): If L.A.'s
Teena is bringing us the word from some
distant high-gloss galaxy, the message is
“Dance, Earthlings, dance!”

FAST TRACKS

YOU SHOW ME YOUR CLOSET, I'LL SHOW YOU MINE DEPARTMENT: L. M. Kit Carson, who worked on
Paris, Texas, is writing a script for Malcolm McLaren called Fashion Beast, an adapta-
tion of Beauty arid the Beast. What's this got to do with rock 'n' roll? you ask. Let Car-
son describe it: It's the story of what would happen "if Christian Dior went into his closet
and found Cyndi Lauper inside, messing around." The rest of us should only be so lucky.

ETS HEAR IT FOR THE BOY: Little Richard,

whose life story will soon be on film,
says that if he could choose the person
10 play him, hc'd pick Michoel Jackson.
Richard says, “He's a real guy; he’s a
man who loves God and loves his
mother. The only diflerence between
me and Michael is that 1 was gay and
he's not." Ah, but could Michael sing
Tutti Frutti?

REELING AND ROCKING: Other movies
about rockers in the works: The Jackie
Wilson Story, Electric God, about Jimi
Hendrix, and a TV movie, The Janis Jop-
lin Story, based on Myra Friedman's book
Buried Alive. The last is from Dick
Clark Productions, which will also be
doing other music-theme films, includ-
ing Rollin' Stoned, about roadies, and
The Bandstand Movie, about Clark's
long-running TV show. . . . Bette Midler
is co-starring with Nick Nolte and Rich-
ord Dreyfuss in a new Poul Mazursky film,
Jerry Saved from Drowning. . . . Island
Alive, the company that co-released
Talking Heads’ Stop Making Sense, will
produce another movie about the
street-music scene, known as go-go
music, in Washington, D.C. . . . laura
Bronigan has a movie coming out any
minute. It's Mugsys Girls, about a
sorority house. In the fall, Laura will
be shooting a film in Australia with
either Mel Gibson or Bryan Brown. Rough
life, right?

NEWSBREAKS: Summer touring news:
You can look for the following in a city
near you—Ted Nugent, The Rolling
Stones, The Everly Brothers and The Doobie
Brothers‘ reunion. . . . Did you know
that Sting once auditioned as a bassist
in Billy Ocean's band? Hc got the job,
then turned it down to form a threc-
piece group and try to make it on his
own. Says Ocean, “We met . . . for the

first time since he tried out for my band
and we had a few chuckles about
what's happened to the two of us
since." .. . Look for a new Loverboy
album and a Fleetwood Mac release. If
Mick Fleetwood has his way, the Mac
album is going to be in the more tradi-
tional Mirage vein. . . . Tribute bands
are big business all over the world.
They're groups who make a living play-
ing nothing but Beatles or Rolling
Stones or Hendrix songs. Our favorites
come out of Australia and are known
as The Joeys. They play nothing but
Ramones material. . Dr. Demento
(known as Barry Hansen to his mom) has
been signed by Rhino Records to do a
five-volume series, Dr. Demento Presents
the Greatest Novelty Records of All Time.
He will compile and annotate the spe-
cial collection. . . . The Sex Pistols’ ver-
sion of Land of Hope and Glory, which
recorded in 1976, before Sid Vicious
arrived on the scene, has becn released
England, but for contractual réasons
and's name has been changed to
tols. . . . A book commissioned.
ago by Pete

The Ex-
more than three уса
Townshend for his publishing company
has finally scen the light. Monkee-
mania— The True Story of the Monkees,
prepared with the cooperation of all
four of the Monkees, was written by
Glenn A. Baker. . . . Ex-Stray Cots Slim
Jim Phantom and Lee Rocker arc forming
a new act called Phantom and Rocker.
Says Rocker, “We've had it with being
a concept. We just want to be musi-
cians now." . . . Finally, when Rett
toured in Japan, performances sold out
two months in advance. The Japanese
remain inscrutable but, according to
vocalist Stephen Pearcy, Ratt went to
Japan because “I needed a few
kimonos. — BARBARA NELLIS

VANTAGE “©
PERFORMANCE

Performance so good you can taste it |

Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health

9 mg. “tar”, 07 mg. nicotine av. per cigarette, ЕТС Report FEB. “84

By BRUCE WILLIAMSON

EIGHT YEARS have passed since Pumping
Iron redefined bodybuilding as a sport
and moved Arnold Schwarzenegger a
giant stcp up the ladder toward movie
stardom. Now producer-director George
Butler is back with Pumping Iron N:
The Women (Cinecom), another razzle-
dazzle documentary about the Caesars
World Cup Championship, a competition
staged especially for filming in Las Vegas
in 1983. Moviewise, this quasi sequel looks
a mite more rigged than the original, but
there's plenty of maidenly musculature
and emotional tension on display during
the practice sessions, plus the pep talks
and parading that take place prior to the
spectacular onstage showdown. Pumping
Tron П poses а question that gains consid-
erable momentum from reel to reel: Will
the judges favor the traditional standards
of female bodybuilding, represented by
sultry Rachel McLish and Lori Bowen and
Carla Dunlap, or will they give the nod to
Australian superathlete Bev Francis,
whose deltoids many a male might envy?
ТЇЇ confess that the sight of taut loins and
straining ligaments where we're used to
curvaceous sofiness is disconcerting at
first. But all the strong-arm stuff has a
sneaky kind of sex appeal after a while,
and these may well be the women of the
future. Get set, guys—but don’t panic, for
Pumping Iron II provides lively enter-
tainment without kicking sand in your
face. YYY

Czech-born director Ivan Passer has a
knack for coaxing flamboyantly free-
spirited performances from actors. Of
course, pizzazz is second nature to Peter
O'Toole, who tops the bill in Creator (Uni-
versal), a thoroughly absurd—and pos
bly schizoid—comedy adapted by Jeremy
Leven from his own off-the-wall novel.
O'Toole plays a rather mad scientist
whose scholarly research is mostly devoted
to cloning a replica of his beloved long-
deceased wife, who occasionally materi-
alizes, or seems to. Mariel Hemingway
plays a self-proclaimed nymphomaniac for
whom multiple orgasm is a cinch. She
donates the ovum for the doctor's experi
ment. Vincent Spano, O'Toole's grad-
student lab assistant, is the roommate of a
coed (Virginia Madsen) who suffers a
scizurc and is pronounced brain dead (but
yes, Virginia, this ú a comedy). There's
also lots of conflict with an archrival in
academia (played to the hilt by David
Orden Stiers) who rifles through
O'Toole’s household trash in search of
incriminating evidence. All these charac-
ters exude peculiar charm, even when the
screenplay gets so overstuffed with inci-
dent that I began to suspect that half as
much movie might have been twice as

Francis (left), McLish and rivals show what they're made of in Pumping Iron Il: The Women.

Pumping Il proves pecs
can be pretty; O'Toole
wonderfully wacky in Creator.

good. When Creator is not out of control or
lapsing into preciousness, you're apt to
catch yourself enjoying it more than you
think you should—an experience akin to
cheering a jolly team that constantly fum-
bles. ҰИА

Authentic period atmosphere—the timc
is 1937 in a Nova Scotia mining town—
seems to be the distinguishing feature of
The Bay Boy (Orion), yet another coming-
of-age saga about a lad preoccupied with
sex. What clse is new? Well, writer-
director Daniel Petrie has his titular hero
up against far worse difficulties than get-
ting a girl onto a bed. Before that happy
occasion, he has to care for a sickly,
retarded brother, resist the advances of a
troubled young priest and witness a brutal
murder. Even so, Bay Boy moves rather
slowly—but holds interest, because the
central role is played with earnest warmth
and intelligence by 17-year-old Kiefer
Sutherland (son of Donald and a dead
ringer for his dad). Liv Ullmann is his
weatherworn, devoutly Catholic moth-
er—the kind of good, simple soul she has
played to perfection so often. I'd give a lot
to sce Ullmann act wild and wicked, wear-
ng sables, YY

Made in Japan, MacArthur's Children
(Orion Classics) is about as loosely con-
structed as one of those bright paper para-
sols that fall apart before you get them

home from the Oriental-souvenir shop.
The subtitled movie, directed by Masahiro
Shinoda from a novel well known among
his countrymen, holds up somewhat bct-
ter, though it’s a messy, sprawling epic
very roughly equivalent to that 1946
American classic The Best Years of Our
Lives. Children deals with the period of
U.S. Occupation, filtered through the sen-
sibility of a few grade school youngsters
lcarning hard lessons about bascball, sex,
pop music, war crimes and ancient tradi-
tions undergoing violent change. At worst,
this is precisely the kind of homc-front
hearth warmer Hollywood churned out 40
ycars ago, right up to a cornball climax
that takes a maimed veteran to a flowery
hilltop overlooking his native island vil-
lage. Flagrantly sentimental but seldom
foolish, MacArthur's Children is humane,
touching, funny and a fascinating slice of
sociology about post-Hiroshima psycho-
logical fallout. 44%
.

he offbeat appeal of Heartbreakers
(Orion) is apt to befuddle moviegocrs who
have trouble connecting with its casual
California views of life, art, love and rela-
tionships. Above all, writer-director Bob-
by Roth has designed Heartbreakers as a
"buddy" movie about two male friends
in L.A., onc (Peter Coyote) an erotic artist
on the verge of major success, the other
(Nick Mancuso) a moody womanizer who
inherits his father’s clothing business and
wishes his life were more meaningful
"They muck around a lot, cach wanting
what the other's got, trading insults and
women until, by thc end, they scem des-
tined either to grow up or to wind up as a
twosome. Make of that what you will,
because Roth docsn't explain a hell of
a lot. He does mount some
encounters, though, with two first-rate

arrest

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PLAYBOY

actors vis-à-vis Kathryn Harrold, Jamie
Rose, Carole Laure and the late Carol
Wayne as the women they habitually mis-
handle. Sadly, Wayne's performance as a
busty, easily had artist's model (the movie
makes use of photos borrowed from
pravgov, which featured Carol in a Febru-
ary 1984 pictorial) is her best ever, a mem-
orable swan song. Roth's look at the L.A.
scene is idiosyncratic, but amusingly kinky
if you're willing to hang in with him on his
own terms. ¥¥¥

The eye-popping visual splendor of
Ladyhowke (Warner) suggests that cinema-
tographer Vittorio Storaro, tops in his
trade, understood better than anyone else
concerned how to capture the tone and
texture of a medieval romantic fantasy.
Rutger Hauer is stalwart and Michelle
Pfeiffer is smashingly photogenic as the
star-crossed lovers put under a spell by a
vengeful bishop (John Wood). Hauer's
curse is to be transformed into a black wolf
every night, Pfciffer's to be a hawk all day,
and ne'er the twain shall meet in human
form. Their go-between is a teenaged thief,
played by Matthew Broderick as if he'd
g back into history on a ten-
. Director Richard Donner and
the three authors of Ladyhawke's screen-
play seem unable to get a handle on either
the period or the spine of their story. But
what pretty pictures. VV

Even two such take-charge actors as
Maggie Smith and Christopher Plummer
can do little to conceal the signs of rot in
an old chestnut like Lily in Love (New Line)
She's a famous playwright, he her cele-
brated actor husband who adopts a dis-
guise as a much younger, blond Italian
matince idol in order to land a top role in
milady's new screenplay. The actor, at last
on location in Budapcst, tries to scduce his
wife incognito and becomes wildly jealous
of himself when she begins to seem respon-
sive. Plummer looks more mummified
than glamorized when he dons his new
wig, nose and chin—and if you believe a
single moment of this sadly dated non-
sense, send in those box tops for your
Magic Decoder Rings real soon. Y

Movie newcomer Nicollette Sheridan
has the minor but significant title role in
Rob Reiner's The Sure Thing (Embassy),
playing a California golden girl who's
guaranteed to put out. Getting to his
dream date is more than half the fun for an
Eastern college freshman (John Cusack)
on a cross-country trek with a cool class-
mate (Daphne Zuniga) who's bound for
the Coast to sec an old beau over the
Christmas holidays. Guess what happens.
"They scrap, they separate, they wind up
sharing motel rooms. Sure Thing at its
sharpest is a kind of young-in-heart rchash
of It Happened One Night, familiar fun
with a winning pair of protagonists,
though scarcely equal to Capra's land-
mark screwball comedy. Matter of fact,

not even equal to This Is Spinal Tap,
Reiner's 1984 satire of the music world.
For an encore, he's stuck with a screenplay
of limited wattage. But whenever the
power surges, Reiner and company make
Sure Thing crackle. Ye

Neil Simon's The Slugger's Wife (Colum-
bia) concerns a home-run hitter who can-
not score unless the woman he loves is
right there rooting for him. But she's a
rock singer with career drives of her ow
so thereby hangs a tale of boy loses
boy loses games. Which remains interest-
ing for about 20 minutes, but Sluggers
Wife has many more innings to go.
Michael O'Keele, who plays the hero, is a
gencrally fine young actor, but he is also
the proud possessor of an ingratiating
grin, and director Hal Ashby keeps him
warming it up in the bull pen to cover
every contingency. Ashby has known bet-
ter days (Coming Home and Being There,
for example). Rebecca De Mornay man-
ages her soppy title role passably, but
author Simon apparently started out to
write a nice romantic comedy—O’Keefe
wooing his gal with an imitation of Gene
Kelly in Singin’ in the Rain is a sprightly
touch—then settled into the rut of predict-
able, moist domestic drama. Take a rain
check. ¥

France's Philippe Noiret commands the
screen, as always, as a shambling, casually
corrupt plainclothes cop in My New Partner
(Orion Classics). Handsome, blue-eyed
Thierry Lhermitte plays the idealistic
young side-kick who has to learn how to
make policework pay. He learns quickly in
writer-director Claude Zidi’s blithely
amoral French comedy, which leaves nary
a scruple intact and involves night-club
doyenne Régine and Grace de Capitani as
a couple of scheming ladies snuggled in the
arms of the law. If he had to, Noiret could
probably make first-degree murder seem
amusing. ¥¥

Having dropped out of society with a
nest egg of well over $100,000, a successful
L.A. couple take to the open road in their
deluxe motor home, “just like Easy Rider."
That's the appealingly cockeyed premise
of Lost in America (Warner), the latest but
not thc least addition to the collected
works of co-author, director and star
Albert Brooks. He has Julie (Airplane!)
Hagerty along as his zany wife on a cross-
country odyssey slowed down by bad luck
in the general vi y of Las Vegas. Lost
also has roughly half a hundred brash
Brooksian gags and off-the-wall observa-
tions that I'd walk a mile not to miss. ¥¥¥

‘The erratic release pattern of Songwriter
(Tri-Star), directed by Alan Rudolph from
Bud Shrake's lively, loose-ended screen-
play, suggests a now-you-sec-it-now-you-
don't box-office disaster predestined to be
D.O.A. Too bad, because the movie
deserves better. In fact, Songwriter may

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that the grand prize in the Chaz'Dream Machine —
Sweepstakes should be a Lotus Turbo Esprit

Ali you have to do to see if you've won the

Chaz Lotus grand prize is scratch off Ihe silver CHAz prizes (including the Lotus) are not claimed, you may
Spots on the sweepstakes game piece. Then go. EE ER still be a winner. You'll find the entry blanks for this
to a participating Chaz retailer and see if your " Second Chance wherever you find the Chaz
number matches the winning number. E Bc á "Dream Machine' Display For details see official

If it does, congratulations! But if it doesn't sweepstakes rules on back of game piece. You
match the grand prize number, it may still match Ehaz must enter before Aug. 31, 1985 to be eligible.

up for an Isuzu Trooper, an Alpine Mobile Cellular
Telephone, a Vitalizer Home Exercise System, a
Regency Scanner, a Konica 35 MM Camera, an

The Chaz 'Dream Machine' Sweep-
Stakes. The prizes are almost as interesting as
the man who wears Chaz

CHAZ for men by Revlon. Cologne, After Shave, Invigorating Body Spray. From 54 to 59.75.

Rockport looks at your foot
way Columbus lookedat the world.

Introducing new SuperSports.

A map of the world and the inside
of a shoe once looked exactly the
same. Flat.
How people must have
looked at the world
before Columbus.

Then Columbus discovered you.
could go around the world and
not off it. Which left people with
a world that was round, but with
shoesthat were still flat.

Until Rockport created
SuperSports™

Rockport discovered a new world
of comfort by making the inside of
ashoe more like the bottom of a
foot. That shoe is new SuperSports,

with our exclusive Contoured
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match the curves of the bottom
of your foot. Your foot rests in the
sole, not on it, giving every part
of your foot the comfort and sup-
port it deserves. (In fact, Rockport
shoes are the first ever awarded
the American Podiatric Medical
Association's Seal of Acceptance
for promoting foot health.)

How shoe companies
must have looked at
your foot before
Rockport.

How could we top comfort like
that? With the sleek,contempo-
rary design of SuperSports’

handsewn leather upper. The soft
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For the Rockport.
dealer nearest you,
call 800-531-9014
(in Massachusetts,
800-221-5744)
from 9AM-5PM EST.

Rockport

INNOVATIONS IN COMFORT.
72 Howe Street, Marlboro, MA 01752

ACCEPTED BY.
THE AMERICAN PODIATRIC
MEDICAL ASSOCIATION

Heres where to look for new SuperSports from Rockport.

ARIZONA Fresno Palm Springs Tahoe City Lagrande |
Asher Bros. Sam Bork Shoes "Iahoe Shoe Co. Harding's Shoes
„т шш Palo Alto Torrance Portland
` Glendale City Feet Open Country Eddie Bauer
Scottsdale J. Stephens Eddie Bauer Nom Шош
s Shoe Cori Ope t Rappa Tulare ack "n Trail
Arizona Shoe Corp. pen Country Robert Krohn Shoes Caves Mens Store busy
lege Bootery or Shoes Lehr Tustin — Shoe ee Р
John's Shoes SES Rancho уез Shoes Tustin Shoe Hut
noes Pleasanton i Salem
CALIFORNIA Govis Overland Trading Co. prre Shoes Shoe Dd "
ick "n Trai
Agoura Dave's Shoes Porterville E
Michael's Shoes cd Cassidy s Shoes bep ndm Seaside
for 2 Ex Sports Alley
Alahambra Cassidy $ Shoes Red Bluff
Hemphill’s Shoes Sandy's Rydel Shoes Gene ПЛАН
Arcadia Hayward Reading, : Watsonville коп
Open Country Track 'n Trail Dicken a Dent: Store Bennetts Apparel Open Country
Young's Shoes Indio Shoes Murray
| i Whittier Open Count:
Aata Indio Shoe Store na Co. Chicks Florsheim p ay
Redwood Bootery 27 Shoes Orem
так ип Sh Sacramento Open Country
Bakersfield NE Sn oes; Huston's Woodland Hills е
Guarantee Shoe emere: an El Camino San Lake uy
Center паз Michael's Shoe Store pen Country
Зона ceti Dick Bruhr's азаю The Clog Corner
Berkeley Yuba City
Hustons Shoes Lond Beach San Ere. Sa Daves Shoes WASHINGTON
Paria Shoes Alans Shoes Repair TAHO Bellevue, |
Beverly Hills Я сег
A ае навым Open Coy
I EX Michael's Shoe Store E HI ons ровго Everett
eee as San Francisco in FR Open Country
|. Stephens Eddie Bauer
Los Gat; ie
Kings Toe Oakwood Shoes MONTANA Redmond
Capitola The Boot Den PONE Eddie Bauer
"Thomas Shoe Shop. Marina Del Rey ne m ceti
е Establi San Jose Shoes le
Carmel Shoe Establishment Track n Trail Eddie Bauer
Marco Polo Merced no Great Falls Open Country
Merced She San Luis Obispo Village Shoes
Chico re ы Charles Shoes Spokane
Johnson Shoes Mission Vido San Luis Birkenstock He se Cap Eddie Bauer
3 з Boots Unlimited бан Мао, А Tacoma
Citrus Heights Eddie Bauer Missoula Open Country
Hustoris Shoes Modesto Opes Shoes
ae Huston's Shoes San Pedro YEN Tukwila,
Overland Trading Со. Mountain View Al Murphys Shoes NEVADA Open Country
Phillip's Bootery Santa Barbara Reno CANADA
Costa Mesa Shoes Inc. Brown's Rodenbocks Huston's Shoes
Eddie Bauer Jr. Shoetown Sr. Lloyd Gotchy Shoes ALBERTA
Neck n Trail Santa Cruz Be Con GRE
: Jackson's Shoes OREGON Eadie Bauen
m Newport Beach "n Things Edmonton
ncino Hemphill's Shoes n Beavert Eddie Bauer
Michael's Shoe Store E Santa Maria Northwest Passage à
Ojai Bootworks ONTARIO
Escondido Robert's Shoes Bend Etobicoke
D'Agosta Shoes Бапа езу Birkenstock of Bend Eddie Bauer
Orange
Eureka Cand S Shoes imi Corvallis Toronto
Redwood Bootery ВЕ erm Shoe Hutch Eddie Bauer
Orland
Fairfield Plaza Shoes Stockton
Huston’s Florsheim Dennis Shea ©
‘Track "n Trail Palm Desert Huston's Shoes rt
уз Shoes
Fortuna sheim Galleria

INNOVATIONS IN COMFORT

Redwood Bootery Track 'n Trail

PLAYBOY

sound slightly better than it looks, since
the score consists largely of orig; num-
bers composed by co-stars Willie Nelson
and Kris Kristofferson. They portray a
musical duo whose onstage appearances
are patched together by a sloppy but
agreeable tale about two good ol” country
boys on the go. In gencral, the going is
casy, with several knockout backup per-
formances by Melinda Dillon, Rip "Torn
and Lesley Ann Warren as charter mem-
bers of the stars’ entourage. Га recom-
mend Songwriter if only as a curious case
of deliberate negligence, since much duller
movies have often been touted to the
ski yy

Some film folk aspiring to produce the
ultimate romantic classic, “a kind of
Grapes of Wrath about love,” are blandly
spoofed in Movers and Shakers (MGM/
UA). Charles Grodin, who wrote thc
screenplay, also portrays the writer hired
to do the screenplay (are you with me?) for
two obtuse moguls (Walter Matthau and
Vincent Gardenia) who yearn “to make
somethin’ that’s about somethin’.” Direc-
tor William Asher sometimes displays a
curious lack of comic rhythm, but Movers
docs move, with an outragcous camco by
Steve Martin as an antiquated matinee
idol and some broad clowning by Bill
Macy as the crass director-to-be of the
unfinished cpic, to be titled Love in Sex.
That movie never gets off the ground, but
neither, alas, docs this onc. YY

°
Rat, Tiny and Dewayne are three of the

ninc young people, aged 13 to 19, caug
by the camera for a remarkable series
of close encounters called Streetwise
(Angelika Films). Among this year's
Oscar nominces as best documentary fea-
ture, the movie had its genesis in a 1983
Life magazine article about runaway kids
in Seattle, by staff writer Cheryl McCall
and photographer Mary Ellen Mark
Director-photographer Ma Bell
(Mark's husband) brings it brimming to
new life as a gritty, uninhibited group por-
trait of young castaways who spill out with
stunning candor and spontaneity every-
thing thcy know about drugs, prostitution,
discase, pipe dreams, lesbianism and
broken home сіг main concern is sur-
vival, and there's so little self-pity in them
that their plight becomes all the more
affecting. Entertainment it’s not, but
Streetwise is trenchant and timely—
eloquent without preachment, compa
sionate without a trace of condescen-
sion. YYY

Characters sulleı from unscemly
ial discases arc unlikely to figure in a
mainstream American comedy. They seem
to get closer to the bone down under in
lia, where The Clinic (Satori) was

id Stevens, director of the
TV serics A Town like

Alice and co-author of the screenplay for

Gilda Radner, Martin yuk it up in Movers.

Here's variety for you:
а movie spoof, real runaways:
and a comedy about V.D.

Breaker Morant. There's an odd mix of
bawdy humor and human tragedy at work
in a V.D-treatment center where a young
doctor (Chris Haywood) who’s gay and
glad of it introduces an uptight medical
student (Simon Burke) to the groin-deep
cts of life. Author Greg Millin worked in
such an institution for several years
"before he wrote The Clinic, and his experi-
ence has obviously paid off by 1
warmth and bi li
might otherwise be too coarsc for comfort.
‘Taboos arc bent if not broken by blunt lan-
guage, male frontal nudity and Stevens’
nervy way of looking at human
sexuality—gay, straight or what have
you—with a wry, tolerant shrug. YY
.

‘Three of Australia's 1984 Film Institute
Awards—for best actor, best director and
best screenplay—were picked up by
writer-director Paul Cox's My First Wife
(Spectrafilm). John Hargreaves delivers
the prize-winning performance as a tor-
tured young classical-music d.j. who turns
suicidal when his wife of ten ycars (Wendy
Hughes) confesses that she's been fooling
around because she simply doesn't love
ymore. Wife is a beautifully played
conclusive drama, marred by far
too many chaotic optical effects meant to
atc the cuckolded husband's state
of mind. The tricks simply confuse Cox's
ge on the rocks. YY

study of a mat

MOVIE SCORE CARD

capsule close-ups of current films
by bruce williamson

between native
migrants. VY

Alamo Bay Shrimp wa
fishermen and Asi:
Amadeus Mozart's life set to Mozart's
music, mostly magnificent. vum
The Bay Boy (Scc review) Growing up in
Nova Scotia, but rather slowly. — YY
Blood Simple A wickedly funny shocker,

so far the best this year. WI,
The Clinic (Sec review) V.D. played
largely for laughs down under. v

ce review) O'Toole as mad
ist, making a test-tube wife. ЖУМ
Desperately Seeking Susan Arquette
appealing, Madonna magnetic in an
improbably romantic adventure. ¥¥¥
The Falcon & the Snowman Rover Boys as
Soviet spies. True adventure. WWA
Heartbreakers (Sec review) What say,
let’s be buddies, L.A. style. yyy
Into the Night Sprightly caper with Jeff
Goldblum, Michelle Pfeiffer. yyy
Ladyhawke (Sce review) Pfe
g a curse with Rutger Hauer. VW
Lily in Love (Scc review) Filmflam. ¥
Lost in America (Sce review) A comic
essay by Albert Brooks. EM
Lust in the Dust Divine pursues buricd
treasure through 1001 clich WA
MacArthur's Children (Sce review) After
Hiroshima, Japan goes G.L. WA
Mask ‘Touching true story of a handi-
capped boy (Eric Stoltz) and his mad-
cap motorcycle momma (Cher). ¥¥¥%
Movers and Shakers (Sec review) Grodin,
Matthau and inside movie jokes. — YY
My First Wife (Sce review) Aussic avowal
that breaking up is hard todo. — VY
My New Partner (Scc review) A corrupt
French cop and his apprentice. Ww
A Passage to Indio David Lcan's puz-
zling, splendiferous retelling of E. M
Forstcr's classic novel. WA
A Private Function A flatulent pig, of all
things, nearly upstages prime hams
Smith and Palin. WA
Pumping Iron Il: The Women (Sec review)
Dames with deltoids and more. yyy
The Purple Rose of Cairo Mia Farrow and

Jeff Daniels in a comic valentine to old
movies, signed Woody Alle Wy
The Return of the Soldier Stunning per-
formances by Alan Bates, Glenda,
Julie, Ann-Margret. wy
The Sluggers Wife (Scc review) Neil

mon in a pretty bad s y

review) Easy goin' with
= vv
c review) Poignant docu-
tthe runaways ¥¥¥

mentary on Sı
The Sure Thing (Scc review) Love on the

road, done to a turn. WA
Witness Unholy excitement among the
Amish, triggered by Ford E

YYYY Don't miss
¥¥¥ Good show

YY Worth a look
Y Forget it

Kool gives you extra coolness |
for the most refreshing sensation in smoking.

A sensation beyond the ordinary.

Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined „Уна

Milds Kings, 10 mg. “tar”, 0 .7 mg. nicotine;
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health. Filter Kings, 16 mg. "te" 1.0 mg. nicotine

av. per cigarette, FTC Report Feb.'85.

PLAYBOY

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COMING ATTRACTIONS

By JOHN BLUMENTHAL

IDOL GOSSIP: Word has it that Chevy Chase
and Den Aykroyd will team up to save the
world from nuclear destruction in a spoof
called Spies Like Us, to bc directed by John
Landis. . . . Director Trevor (Cats) Nunn has
been tagged by Paramount to helm Lady
Jane, a period film based on the life of
Lady Jane Grey. who reigned for nine days
as queen of England in the mid- 16th Cen-
tury. Helena Bonham Carter, an 18-year-old
English actress relatively unknown to
American audiences, will play the title
role. The rest of the cast will be composed
of English actors, including Mathew
ness, son of Sir Alec. . .. Glenn Close,
Jeff Bridges and Peter Coyote have been set
to star in Columbia's Jagged Edge. a court-
room suspense drama. Close will play a
lawyer defending a newspaper publisher
(Bridges) accused of murdering his wife.
Richard (Return of the Jedi) Marquand will
direct from a script by Joe (Flashdance)
Eszterhas. . . . Solly Field will coproduce
and star in Murphy's Romance, a love story
about a single mother and her romance
with a gray-haired drugstore owner. James
Garner will play her paramour and Marlin
Ritt will direct. . . . Steven Spielberg will be
co-executive producer of Paramounts
Young Sherlock Holmes, a romance-mystery
h the vouthful English shamus
begins his lifelong friendship with Dr.
Watson, falls in love and solves a mystery
involving the supernatural. Berry (Diner)
Levinson will direct.

in w

TEEN ANGEL: Orion's The Heavenly Kid is a
“high-concept” film—just imagine Fonzic
replacing Warren Весну in Heaven Can
Май and you'll get the picture immedi-
ately. Lewis (Buckaroo Banzai) Smith plays
Bobby Fontana, the titular kid, a James
Dean-like character who dies in a drag
race in the early Sixties. When he tries to
pass through the gates of heaven, a senior
angel (Richard Mulligan) tells him he
must first pay his ducs by returning to
earth (in the hties) to help a ncbbishy
high school kid get adjusted to society
The plot is further complicated by the fact
that the nebbish is Bobby’s ex-girlfriend's
son. The Heavenly Kid is due for a July
release.

DOCTOR, THERE'S A АУ IN MY I.V.: Onc phe-
nomenon that came to light as a result of
the invasion of Grenada was the recent
boom in second-rate south-ol-the-border
medical schools. St. Elsewhere. picked up
on the idea briefly, Doonesbury has devoted
a series of strips to the concept, and now
Hollywood is about to offer its two cents"
worth with Fox's Bad Medicine, a comedy
about a wayward
tion, the Madera

atin-American institu-
niversity of Medicine.

In the upcoming The Bride, Jennifer Beals plays the beautiful creation of Dr. Frankenstein, por-
trayed by Police's Sting. Although Elsa Lanchester and Colin Clive did something quite similar
back in 1935, Columbia insists that this is not merely a Bride of Frankenstein remake.

Steve Guttenberg stars as Jeff Marx, a col-
lege kid whose entire family tree is popu-
lated by doctors. Unfortunately. his
grade-point average isn't high enough to
earn him acceptance by an American med-
ical school, so he'soff to Madera. There he
meets the school's founder, Dr. Ramon
Madera (Alan Arkin), a debonair Latin des-
perately seeking female companionship.
He also falls in love with one of the coeds
Airplane!'s Julie Hagerty). Comical high-
jinks abound, most of them revolving
around the oddball characters who popu-
late the college. In other words, what we
have here is Police Academy Goes to the Lab.
Bill Mocy, Taylor (Easy Money) Negron and
Rhoda's Julie Kavner co-star.
+

ту FARE: CBS-T V has a crop of intrigu
projects scheduled to air later in the sea-
son. Currently shooting in Los Angeles is
Boom Boom Mancini, a biopie based on the
life of the former World Boxing cia-
tion lightweight champ, with Doug McKeon
as Boom Boom and Robert Blake as the
boxer's father, Lenny. Executive producer
Sylvester Stallone will chorcograph the fight
sequences. Next on the agenda is a four-
hour miniseries of Lewis Carroll's Alice in
Wonderland, a musical featuring 29 origi-
nal songs by comedian/songwriter Steve
Allen. At presstime, the role of Alice had
not vet been filled, but the impressive sup-
porting cast will include Red Buttons as the
White Rabbit, Carol Channing as the White
Queen, Ann Jillian as the Red Queen, Jayne
Meadows as the Queen of Hearts, Anthony
Newley as the Mad Hatter, Imegene Coco as
the Cook, Robert Morley as the King of
Hearts and Martha Raye as the Duchess
Last but not least, Peter Strauss and Sam

(Reilly: Ace of Spies) Neill will top-line
Kane & Abel, a six-hour miniseries based
on Jeffrey Archer's best seller about a pair of
powerful tycoons who set out to destroy
cach other. Strauss will play Abel, the
impoverished Polish immigrant who
becomes a hotel magnate. Neill will por-
пау Kane, a Boston Brahmin influential
in the banking business.

BUTTERFINGERS: Attention, football fans!
This fall, Universal Pictures will try to
pull you out of your armchairs and into
your local Bijou to sce The Best of Times,
one of the first football films to hit the
gridiron in years. Starring Robin Williams
and Kurt Russell, the flick begins in 1972
with undefeated Taft High going into its
annual game with archrival Bakersfield.
With the contest scoreless in its final sec-
onds, Taft quarterback. Reno Hightower
(Russell) passes long and high to receiver
Jack Dundee (Williams) for a touchdown
It's a perfect throw and Dundee is wide-
open. Every eye in the stands is focused on
the receiver as the ball lands in his hands
and then . . . slips out of them. Taft's big
moment fades into disappointment. Thi
teen years later, Dundee, now vice-
president of a local bank, is still haunted
fumble, And the town won't let him
Fi 10 vindicate himself, he
former teammates to
eld to a rematch. Six
points behind in the second half, Taft is on
the offense. Reno hurls a 60-yard pass to
Dundee. The ball sails gently toward
Jack's outstretched arms. Will he catch i?
Will Taft reclaim sullied honor? Will
football flicks make a comeback? Will
Robin Williams run for President?

1810-1850

1882-1939

¢ SN
1950-1982 ы

Ar W

1982

There's a lot of Stroh
behind the great taste
of Stroh Signature.

This exceptional premium beer is a product 3
of over 200 years of Stroh family brewing
experience.

Our family began brewing in Kirn, Germany |
in 1775. Three quarters of a century later,
Bernhard Stroh introduced Stroh's Beer to
America. Through the years, Stroh has come to.
represent the highest standards of the brewer's art.

We believe that Strch Signature is as fine a
beer as can be produced. It contains none but
the choicest ingredients, including 100%

imported European hops. A = "
I personally hope you enjoy it. Sen. m
Жл Ky d
© 1985, Stroh Brewery. Detroit, Michigan Chairman

Discover the world's
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Special offer for those who have
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Wouldn't you love to build this historic ship model? It’s a of rare, yellow boxwood. We include eyelets, bracers and be-
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Y Involved

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only, call 1-800-642-8788)

Rates apply to US. US. Poss, APO-FPO addresses only.
Canadian rate: 12 issues $27.

SPORTS

( Yonsidering that most sportswriters 1

know are drunks, speed freaks, adul-
terers, hopeless chain smokers or bad har-
zers (often all five if it’s somebody I
really want to hang out with), I find it
amusing every spring when many of them
turn lyrical as they sit down at their typing
machines. Baseball does it. Along comes
baseball season and guys who later in the
summer will be writing their normal hard-
hitting, two-sentence paragraphs—“Fast-
baller Jesus Marquez likes to throw at
white people. His father was a door-
man"— suddenly begin to use words like
ephemeral and catharsis. As it happens,
ephemeral and catharsis were never a
problem in the home where I grew up. My
grandmother's mustard plaster usually
cured them in no time at all.

But each spring, I look forward to
ephemeral (the streak) and catharsis (the
slump) creeping into the literature of the
press box. I also know VII be reminded
that the diamond is an emerald chess-
board, that scrappy infielders are playing
the game with a perspiring earnestness,
that a slugger’s timing can hinge on the
imperceptible fractions of an instant, that
the ball itself is an imminent white speck,
a handful of physics, a geometric force,
and that the true charm of the so-called
national pastime lies in the unwound ten-
sions and eloquent silences that I'm sup-
posed to behold as the sun shines down on
the converging mathematics of an infield
pop-up. And yct the lyrical writers insist
that something is happening down there
on the chessboard to call back the tran-
quil, rustic tempo of an earlier time in our
lives. All this about a sport in which, as far
as I can tell, the athletes mostly like to
stand around, chew things, spit and
seratch their nuts,

There are, I think, two basic causes for
these lyrical outbursts by my sportswriting
brethren, In order of influence, I blame (1)
daddies, (2) book critics.

Chances are, unless he was an interior
designer, Daddy was probably the first
person to hand us a ball and a bat. He
then took us out into the yard and hit fly
balls to us in the early evening of a lazy
summer. We all remember it as great fun,
even when we backpedaled into thorn-
covered bushes, even when we dashed into
the street, eyes upward, and almost got
run over and killed by a speeding Ford
roadster, even when the exercise extend-
ed into suppertime, which invariably
prompted our mother to do her famous

By DAN JENKINS

CATHARSIS ON AN
EMERALD DIAMOND

impression of Joan Crawford on Benze-
drinc.

Some of us got over it and some didn't,
and it occurs to me that those who didn't
have forgotten something. Daddies taught
us baseball first in those days because they
were aware that we couldn’t get our little
hands around a football. These writers
also disregard the fact that it was always
Daddy who got to hit on those lazy sum-
mer evenings. How many daddies ever
chased a fly ball into the street? None,
that's how many—unless Daddy wanted
to get a glimpse of Lisa Ann Tarlton, the
divorcee, who might be watering the
flower bed in her swimsuit and high heels.

My own daddy, by the way, rarely
indulged i in this acti for two reasons.
Either he could never quite get home from
the golf course until dark or he would be
on his way to California again, making
another clean getaway from my mother's
screaming mother

Certain lyrical-bent sportswriters have
argued that my daddy's selfish absence is
the obvious reason that Гуе never prc-
ferred baseball to, say, root canals.
They're wrong, of course. There were
granddaddies, uncles and older cousins
galore who hit flv balls to me and who reg-
ularly carted me off to a klieg-lighted sta-
dium, where, in fact, I once saw the Fort
Worth Cats, our cla: A team, defeat the
New York Yankees in an exhibition game

Tt may be true that I would have embraced
bascball more fondly if the Fort Worth
Cats had ever been able to outscore the
Beaumont Exporters. As it was, I found
baseball only mildly interesting—for a
sport in which nobody side-stepped tack-
lers or threw bullet passes.

Which brings up the influence of the
book critic on many sportswriters. A lot of
sportswriters yearn to write novels but
kcep reading book critics who say you
can't write a good, "literary" sports novel
unless you write about baseball, which
happens to be the only sport the book crit-
ics think they understand. They're sure
they understand it because, like girls,
piano teachers, cellists, even they played
baseball, in some form, at some point in
their lives. Book critics like baseball
because they relish the game's pauses. It
gives them a chance to think about Milan
Kundera. And book critics further like
baseball because they can see baseball
players, as opposed to football players,
whose faces are hidden by helmets and
wire cages and whose bodies are bundled
up in baroque padding. Moreover, I sus-
pect that there are scads of book critics
who haven't forgiven football for the T for-
mation. For them, the T formation not
only eliminated the “Hup it to me” of their
youth, it obscured the hand-off forever and
introduced an obscene, almost porno-
graphic element to the game, which is that
moment when the quarterback hunches
over the center's ass to receive the snap.

Maybe there's no sight on the emerald
chessboard as unliterary as the quarter-
back's hunch, but there is something the
more naive book critics ought to under-
stand about baseball: When the lyrical
writer says a hitter is digging in, hoping to
deflect the pitcher's tiny, onrushing dot,
perhaps even to relaunch it in the opposite.
direction with an inexplicable response of
eye and body, what the hitter's really s;
ng to the pitcher is "Show me that slider
again, you spick cocksucker, and it’s
comin’ back at your cunt!"

But I have to confess that even I like
baseball on those occasions when a hitter
connects and sends a shot into an undense
region of the outfield. This always gives
me an opportunity to mutter some immor-
tal words to myself: “Willie Mays's glove
is where triples go to die."

Whoever said it—Fresco Thompson,
Jim Murray; probably Jim Murray—
that’s baseball poetry at its best. And
it don't even rhyme.

MEN

I wrote an article several years ago
about the hazards of being male in
divorce court (Who Gets Screwed in a
Divorce? I Do!, pLavgov, December 1978)

“If you are an American male, and if
you get married," I began, "the chances
are approximately one out of two that you
will eventually get divorced." I went on to
outline the typical male's experience in
divorce at that time: If he sued for custody
of his children, 96 percent of the time he
would lose; he could count on paying his
ex-wile’s court costs and at least some of
her attorney's fees; he'd probably lose his
home, as well as his kids, and if debts had
to be seuled, he'd ger che larger share of
them; both alimony and child support
could cut into his earnings to the point
where financial reversals were inevitable.

Life after divorce wasn't exactly a ball
for men, either, 1 reported. Rarely would
anything happen to a woman who refused
to grant her ex-husband visitation rights
with their children, but should he with-
hold alimony or child-support payments
in retaliation, the chances were high that
he would be prosecuted and possibly sent
to jail.

Those tough facts established, I went on
to describe the ways men could learn to
cope with divorce: how to choose a lawyer,
the value of men's-rights groups, what
various experts recommended for male
survival, a manual of dos and don'ts for
men (don't move out ol your home unless
ordered to by the court; do close joint
checking accounts and cancel credit cards,
etc.).

One of my best sources at the time was
Judge Charles J. Fleck, Jr. A man who
heard hundreds of divorce cases a year,
Judge Fleck gave me a great quote: “1
guess Га have to admit, when it comes
right down to it, that the male may be
equal under the dry rubric of the law, but
he probably isn't always equal in the way
the divorce law is administered. Men who
complain about unfair treatment fre-
quently have legitimate compl.

Soon after Fleck made
he was appointed presiding judge for the
Domestic Relations Division of the Cook
County Court system. Hc was 38 years old

t statement,

then and had a reputation as a fair and
imaginative magistrate.
I had lunch with him recently to ask

him if that quotation still held. Charley
Fleck is an attorney in private practice in
Chicago now, having left the bench to
make a living.

By ASA BABER

DIVORCE: A
JUDGE TALKS

He doesn't look like a former judge.
He's thin, youthful, quick in thought—
the kind of guy you'd expect to sec in front
of the bench arguing, perhaps, but not
sitting behind it. Somehow, the image
doesn't fit, particularly in Chicago. He's
45, has a two-year-old daughter and а
good marriage. *My family life is the most

mportant thing to me now,” he says. And
as for the fate of men in divorce court?

“No matter what the law says, change
comes very slowly," Fleck says. “To my
mind, the courts follow society, they
don't lead it. Judges don't necessarily know
they have social prejudices, but they do,
and there is still a strong tendency by the
courts to protect women in divorce
actions. They assume the male is the
stronger of the two sexes and that he will
survive.

“I guess I'd say that the courts may not
protect women to the extent that they used
to, maybe. But the tendency is still there.

“One of the reasons change comes so
slowly is that unless a judge is a strong and
courageous individual, it's simply easier to
follow the crowd. Judges are human
beings, they're often afraid of criticism by
lawvers or by the bar and, like all of us,
they can be afraid of offending the norm.

"The prejudice and discrimination
against men are subtle and hard to prove;

but they're there.

"One thing that is changing is that
younger women today who are secure in
their abilities in a corporate society won't
ask for maintenance. They consider it an

nsult to do so."

I asked Fleck what advice he could offer
the 30-vear-old male who's considering
marriage.

“Га say tl

You can't guarantec a

good marriage, but there are some things
you can do to protect yourself. One, make
sure vou're comfortable with vour pro-
ve wife's personality. Comfortable

spect
with every bit of it. Two, write up a pre-
nuptial agreement. Make a complete dis-
closure of what you own and how you'll
split it if the marriage falls apart. Га even
advise vou to video-tape the procedure or
have a court reporter there at the signing.
When I was on the bench, the argument
was always made that the partners didn't
know what they were signing. Get the evi-
dence that they do. And don't fudge when
you list your assets, or the agreement can
be thrown out later.”

What about men's rights in general?

“Men aren't organized and don't have
the voice that women do. Women have
been active for the past 15 vears, but
there's no male equivalent in power and
stature to NOW, The men trying to draw
attention to these problems are voices in
the wilderness. Men should organize, if.
that's possible.

“In child-custody cases, which were
the toughest cases for me, you see
men's rights have moved.
Women are getting it both ways today.
They have new rights and opportunities in
society, but they're not sharing those
responsibly in divorce court. There's an
idious discrimination against men, a
subile presumption that the woman will
get the children.

“But the best thing we could do would
be to change the system. Put funds into
establishing mediation as the way divorces
are settled. License mediators, use experi-
enced personnel to talk with both par-
ties—and, face it, both husband and wife
are often out of control in a divorce—take
the time 10 really understand the issues
and the people. Arbitration, mediation,

thats the way to go. That would be a
more just system. And men reall
nced that."

alw:

how slowly

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AGAINST THE WIND

remember your dad," said one of the

survivors of the U.S.S. Longshaw,
introducing himself, pumping my arm. We
were at a hotel outside Philadelphia along
with 20 or so of his shipmates and their
wives, who had gathered after almost 40
years for a first reunion since their
destroyer had been blown from under
them and sunk off thc coast of Okinawa
Jima in May 1945. These were the lucky
hoys. There had been a crew of about 275
aboard the Longshaw that day, and 86 of
them were killed, including my father, a
28-year-old lieutenant from Seattle, the
executive officer of the ship. I was three
when it happened and never knew him, so
when this former enlisted man, now in hi:
60s, stepped up with what scemed like it
was going to be a particular memory, I got
very damned excited.

“Sure I remember him,”
recommended me for a court-marti
“Then he laughed.

Oh, Jesus, I thought. Here we go. You
came to hear stories and there's no guar-
antce they're all going to be good.

“I deserved it,” he said when he saw the
look on my face. “He didn't really have
any choice." Then he told me the story,
and when he finished, he added that my
dad had seemed like a good guy, though
he hadn't known him well.

As it turned out, none of the men at the
reunion had known Lieutenant
very well. They were all enlisted men—
gunners mates, deck hands, c
mates—and they hadn't spent much time
on the bridge, where my father worked. As
exec, he was second in command, which
mcant his duties were administrative and
disciplinary; and, as one of the crew told
me, “We tried not to go up there too often,
because when we did, it usually meant we
were in trouble."

Most of the old sailors apologized to mc
that they didn't remember more about my
dad and, in fact, they joked with one
another about how much they'd forgotten
about this most vivid experience of their
lives. Now and then, somconc would tri
ger a recollection and great whoops of
laughter would go up; then a name would
be mentioned, one of the dead, and an
excruciating silence would fall and linger.

"Remember that kid, hillbilly kid,
never smoked , gets blown over
the side in the first explosion, landing craft
picks him out of the water, he's
shook up he has to have a cigarette—and

ne but so

By CRAIG VETTER

WAR
STORIES

wheı

he's done, he pitches the butt into a
can full of powder rings, they blow, kill
him."

Then someone would undo the pall with
one of the absurd touches that were with
them all the time. “They used to censor
the mail, remember; they'd actually cut
words out of the paper, anything they
thought might give information if cap-
tured, and there was that guy who had a
girlfriend named Pearl, and she'd get these
letters that were full of holes where her
name should have been, I mean just
slashed to ribbons.” Then the laughing
would take up again, big, hard laughter
that had gone unshared all those years.

After lunch, they stood one at a time
around their tables and told what they'd
done since the war. They introduced their
wives, numbered their children and
grandchildren, and one of them said he'd
had mixed feelings about coming to relive
those moments, but he wanted to thank
the man who had saved his life, which he
did. He was the only one who admitted out
loud to conflicting emotions, but Га
sensed them all d. а to the

bizarre counterpoint of horror and fun

that is the mark of all true war stories.

I was having my own mixed emotions.
"These men and their stories kept pulling
me into the swamp of feclings that has
always surrounded my dead hero father
for me. That he was gone was the essential

first fact of my life; and until I was in my
mid-20s, I accepted it without struggle or
even question. Then, for some reason, it
started to haunt me. I began to have
dreams iike the опе in which Navy officers
put me on a train that would take mc to
see my father, they said. It was a long
train, full of other sons like me, and at stop
after stop they were taken off a few at a
time, loaded into gray Navy cars and
driven away. Until there was nobody on
the train except me and no more stops to
make.

About the same time, Lyndon Johnson
signed a bill that said the sole surviving
sons of men killed in action were exempt
from the draft, which mcant that my father
had literally ransomed me out of my war,
Vietnam, by dying in his. I had a son of
my own by then, so my confused feclings
were rcaching in both directions, as was a
gue sort of guilt. What do you owe the
man who buys you that sort of exemption
at that price? And if you do owe him some-
thing, how do you pay it?

As a writer, I decided the thing to do
was to gather up his story, then write a
book, a book that would put some flesh to
the ghost and in the process take its place
in the long train of books that render the
lunacy of war. 1 tried for two years and
never got past the third chapter. It was the
sort of failure that undoes you for a long
time, and 1 didn't let go of it till a
made an offhand remark one day.
of us live our whole lives t 10 prove
something to somebody,” he said. “Usu-
ally somebody dead.” Somehow, that
turned things for me, and I realized that I
didn't owe my father anything more than
love, and that 1 had nothing to prove to
him or to myself.

So by the time 1 joined the men of the
Longshaw for their reunion, Га regained
nost of my original childhood acceptance
of the story. But only most of it, not all. I
mean, I know that war is inevitable, that it
kills some of us and wounds the rest, and
that the survivors get on with their lives,
and that if you don't somchow come to
grips with that, you'll go mad. But the
other weck, 1 talked with my son and all
my demons got loose on me again. He
called from California to say that he was
still working, feeling good. Then he told
me he'd just gone down to the post office to
register for the draft and that he'd been
struck by how simple the whole
thing was. E

A collection rich in meaning and craftsmanship.-5

AMERICAS GREATEST
STEAM LOCOMOTIV ES

Authentic handérafted pewter replicas of the
historic steam lodomotives that helped build our nation.

‘TWELVE GREAT AMERICAN STEAM
CANNONBALL

scale 1:101

(OM

Пано eo dicm eene

bustling railroa

sengers who were to ma

trips that had once req

Looming over the passengers were the
giant engines themselves, towering "iron
horses" that propelled America into a
new age. Now the Danbury Mint invites
you to come "all aboard" with twelve
zeal eerste ecl anat torte
ica's greatest steam locomotives!

A unique collection of America's
most famous steam locomotives

Each train in this collection had a unique
and remarkable role in the conquest of
the American frontier.
ided is the DeWitt Clinton, A
ry first locomotive in m
enger service. Here is the legendary
General," involved in the famous
"Andrews Raid" during the Civil War.
And the unforgettable locomotive Num-
ber 382, the "Cannonball," whose
Shown above are three of the steam locomotives in one of the many ways you might y ther engineer, Casey Jones, died while trying
your home or oflice. to save the train from a tragic crash.

Also, the Union Pacific Number 119
which was present at the famous "Golden
Spike" ceremony completing the trans-
continental railroad. From the “Hiawa-
tha" to che "Chattanooga Choo Choo,"
all these trains represent the irrepressible
ambition and drive of the pioneering
American!

Authentic scale replicas
handcrafted in American pewter

You won't find a collection that exceeds
{үр толеу, ГЕЛЕ, ЕДЕ: ГЕ, гл
authentically scaled reproduction of a
classic American steam locomotive,
handcrafted in fine pewter. Only pewter,
after all, with its rugged, elm
and substantial heft, could possibly ex-
press the massiveness and dignity of the
great old iron horses.

Impressive size allows
for incredible detail

The precise detail of these replicas lends
them an unprecedented realism, Because
of the replicas’ exceptional size and
weight — some measure up to ten inches
long, and contain well over a pound of
solid American pewter — the artisans
could faithfully capture many fine details
not found on other train replicas. Not
only the locomotives, but the tenders
as well as the railroad tracks, have
been sculpted with meticulous histori-
cal accuracy.

To highlight the details still more, an
antique finish has been added to each
replica. You can almost see the hot steam
propel the immense weight, hear the
cadenced sound of the exhaust, and smell
the steam and coal smoke. Such realistic
modeling and large size truly bring the
locomotives to life!

A handsome hatdwood display stand
will accompany each replica
at no additional charge

Each replica comes with a beautiful hard-

wood display stand that further enhances
its presence in any setting. Whether
placed on a desk, a table or a bookshelf,
each locomotive and stand will quickly
draw the admiration of friends and fam-
прака,

А superb value, available
only from the Danbury Mint

Each replica is a combination of beauty,
legend, history and patriotic inspiration
—a bargain at almostany price. However,
thanks to the economics of the Danbury
Mint's direct-to-you distribution, each is
available at only $90.

Even if you could find comparable rep-
licas in stores, it is unlikely you could get
them for this price. But this unique and
exciting collection of twelve great Amer-
ican steam locomotives is not available

‘AMERICAN STEAM.
DEWITT CLINTON
circa 1831 scale 1: 56

poe 77 RESERVATION APPLICATION === ee

AMERICAS GREATEST
Tie Dantury Minn STEAM LOCOMOTIVES

47 Richards Avenue
P.O. Box 5270
Norwalk, Conn. 06857

scription may be cancel

Name

anywhere else — it can be obtained only
from the Danbury Mint.

Convenient subscription plan
To reserve your collection, you need
send no money now. You will receive a
replica every three months, and you will
be billed for each one in three conven-
ient monthly installments of $30 each.
You can charge each monthly install-
ment to your VISA or MasterCard
account. If you shouldreceive any replica
you are not satisfied with, you may return
it upon receipt for replacement or refund.

Please act promptly

Now, with this handsome collection,
your imagination can ride in the en-
gineer's seat of the great old locomo-
tives. To begin your journey, please
return your reservation application today!

Shown smaller than actual size.

Please retur
August 31, 198:

Please accept my reservation to America's Greatest Steam Locomotives, a collection of twelve pewter
scale replicas of the United States’ most famous steam locomotives. Each replica will includea
locomotive, render, railroad track anda hardwood display stand.

need send no money now. The collection will be issued at the rate of one replica every three
months. Iwill pay for each replica as billed in three monthly installments of $30 each. Any replica
Tam nor satisfied with may be returned within thirty days fora replacementor refund, and this sub-
by either parry at any time.

Address

PLEASE PRINT CLEARLY

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CJ Check here if you want each monthly installment charged ro your:
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Allow 8 to 12 weeks after payment for initial shipment.

WIN CLARION:
SPEED OF SOUND SWEEPSTAKES
AND KISS YOUR OLD CAR

Clean out the glove box. Put up the
For Sale sign.

Clarion wants you and your honey
to hit the road in style this summer.

Behind the wheels of your very own
1985 his and hers Alfa Romeos.

You read right. His and hers Alfa
Romeos. The Grand Prize in Clarion's
Speed of Sound Sweepstakes.

Second Prize is just w
as grand. Another Айа.

Infact, over 275
prizes are up for grabs.
Including a European
windsurfer, Clarion
car Slereo systems,
Clarion graphic equal-
izers, and racing jackets.
ITS EASY TO ENTER.

Stop by any participating Clarion
dealer for details and fill out an official
Speed of Sound Sweepstakes entry
form. Enter as often as you like. Then,
on August 28, well draw 279 ы; al

CAR AUD

MOVING AT THE SPEED OF. Sum

GOODBYE.

random. If yours is one of them, bingo!
Youre a winner.

HERE'S WHAT YOU WIN.

Grand Prize. A 1985 Alfa Romeo GTV.6
coupe and a 1985 Alfa Romeo Spider
Veloce convertible.
Second Prize.A 1985
Alfa Romeo Spider
Veloce convertible.
Third Prize. A twelve-
foot long, European
designed windsurfer.
25 Fourth Prizes. A
Clarion 8550R AM/FM stereo cassette
receiver car system with 621SE 672
inch coaxial speakers.

50 Fifth Prizes. A Clarion 100 EQB5
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200 Sixth Prizes. A contemporary
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Any licensed driver may enter. No
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SEX NEWS

JUST THE FACTS, MA'AM

Alexandra Penney, the author of How to
Make Lave to а Man and How to Make Love
lo Each Other, has written a new book
titled simply Great Sex (Putnam's), placing
it, at least in Penney's opinion, a cut above
Dr. Ruth Westheimer's (merely) Good Sex.
We think it might more aptly be titled
So-So Sex.

The intention of the book is to delive
sexual how-to data and, at the same time,
arouse the reader. In order to do that.
Penney has written a short story and then
larded it with pages and pages of sex
advice. So just as the characters in her
story are discovering and enjoying the
wonders of, say, masturbation, the text
suddenly reads, “to be continued... ."
You turn the page and the chapter heading
reads, "Hands On." Surely, the author
never realized thc immediacy of that infor-
mational chapter's first line: "For many
people, masturbation is an uncomfortable
subject.” Penney's innovation. produces
the same sensation as, going to see Sar
Wars with someone who insists on expl
ing how every special effect was accom-
plished. fusion interruptus

The pters аге problem-
oriented, and that often puts certain pres-
sures on the story's long-suffering star
couple, Michael and Diana, who experi-
ence everything from jealousy to perform-
ance anxiety. While the reader may take
some comfort in the depths of their prob-
lems, he may also at times become as frus-
trated as the characters, In. chapter 13,
Michael and Diana have been communi-
cating feverish excitement for several para-
graphs when—well, read it for yourself

“She knew he would be hard now
She reached down and, with fingers
slithery from her own wetness, searched
for his ercction. Something was terribly

how-to cha

wrong." That's what we said. The next
chapter, incidentally, is titled 7
Wreckers.”

It's an engaging idea, but
experiment just doesn't scem to work. The
most successful mating of instruction and
eroticism seems to be in the so-called
adult-film genre, where no one ever has to

sert the phrase ©
Penney should keep that in mind, and you
should keep your $16.95 in your росі

o be continued."

SPERM COUNTDOWN

Alter a doctor casually mentioned to
us that practically anything that's bad
for a man's general health is particular-
ly bad for his sperm, we checked and
came up with an impressive list of things
that al

ret it
Large doses of caffeine make for slug-
gish sperm. Heavy marijuana smoking
decreases motility, lowers sperm count

and increases the percentage of abnormal

Sony's Body Music video ($19.95) utilizes synthesizers for the sound track and computer graph-
ics to enhance Brian Aris’ still photos of beautiful women. We first saw it on The Playboy
Channel and it remains quite an eye workout. You'll have to get your aerobics in later.

sperm. Common ai s, such as р
cillin and tetracycline, can suppress sperm
production, while, in large amounts, alco-
hol and tobacco may damage sperm. The
more toxic the chemical is to the body in
general, the more damaging it is to the
sperm

“First she gets a little bit
pregnant; then she gets a
whole lot pregnant.

Hazardous environmental and
trial chemicals inevitably find their way to
the male reproductive tract, an apparatus
onc reproductive physiologist compared to.
a garbage-disposal system. Male workers
formulating the pesticide D.B.C.P. have
become infertile. Dioxin, found in Agent
Orange, may cause defective sperm. The
flame-retardant substance tris can dam-
age genetic material. There is an increased

number of stillbirths among the wives of

dentists who use nitrous oxide. For the
record, though, we highly deplore inge
tion of toxins as a form of birth control.

IT ISN'T OVER TILL IT'S OVER

The American Psychiatric Association
has clarified its previous rulings against
psychiatrists who have sex with their
patients. The rule now suggests, "Once a

patient, always a pa That me:
that doctors may be subject to expulsion
if they have sex with a patient even after
therapy has ended. Ended permanently,
that is—not, Hey, it's eight rat, therapy's
over: your couch or mine? Sex with a for-
mer patient was always thought to be oui
side thc canons of shrinkdom. Now it
seen by the association as exploitative. So
if you
may have to get a referral
one else's.

MOMMAS, DONT LET YOUR
BABIES MAKE YOU STAY CELIBATE

A study by the National Institute of
Child Health and Human Development
reports that it’s probably all right to have
sex during pregnancy. The study polled
for information on 36,000 preg-
nancies between 1959 and 1966 and found
mount of sex and
ature birth, th
ted with sex

ant t

go out with a shrink, vou
nd date some-

womei

no correlation between
infant mortality or pre
dangers most often assoc
during pregnancy

The study also found, as one might
anticipate, that sexual frequency de
creased as the length of the pregnancy
acreased. When those earlier figures on
sexual frequency were compared with si
ilar figures for women who were preg
during the Seventie
аа

ant
there was no appre-
ble difference, proving that the ritual is

still the same: First she gets a little bit
pregnant; then she gets a whole
lot pregnant. [y]

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THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR

Bam in charge of pledge week at my fra-
ternity. Originally, we werc a liberal fra-
ternity that did not believe in hazing, but
we discovered that without some rite of
passage, no one wanted to join. It was my
job to terrorize the new pledge class. First
Т told them that on initiation night, they
would have to have sex with a sheep, in
front of the brothers. They believed me,
since they knew I had connections in farm
country. The next day, 1 told them that
the sheep had died—one of the brothers
had gotten carried away. However, the
event was still on—they would simply
have to have sex with a dead sheep. The
next day, I told them that the plan had
been changed: The brothers had hired a
hooker, and the pledges would have sex
with her on initiation night. The fraternity
didn't have a lot of money to spend; but
even if she was cheap, she wasn't bad-

looking. The next day, I told them that we
had found cut why the hooker was cheap:
She was a he. е event was still on,

though the roles were reversed. The
hooker had just returned from a vacation
п Haiti, and since the brothers really did
have the pledges’ best interest at heart, it
had been decided that they could take
along condoms for the hooker to use; they
didn't want to catch AIDS, right? I took
the pledges, in the back of a U-Haul van,
out into the country, where in the course of
the evening they were forced to do some-
thing that soiled their clothes somewhat
That made them brothers, and we got
drunk. The next morning, 1 was cleaning
the U-Haul, saw all their clothes and
decided to be a nice guy. I took the mess to
the local laundromat and did a load of
wash. I was pulling all the clothes out of
the dryer when my hand encountered a
gloppy mess. I pulled out a couple of con-
doms. The guy at the washer next to me
looked up and said, incredulously, “You
wash vour rubbers?" So now the guys at
the fraternity want to know, is it safe to
wash rubbers?—R. B., Tampa, Florida.

Yes. I's ironing them thats the big prob-
lem. And there is still some debate as to
whether you should use softener or starch
Nice try, guys.

About a year and a half ago, 1 bought a
TV set that was advertised as “stereo ready.
Now Lam told that this set cannot receive
as is the forthcoming stereo TV broad-
casts. What gives?—K. J., Dayton, Oh
“Stereo ready” formerly referred to TV sets
that had a second amplifier and speaker sys
tem built into them for handling an external
sound source such as а video-tape or video-
disc player, which itself furnishes stereo
sound with the picture. The stereo-ready TV
feature can also be used to enhance the mono-
phonic sound that accompanies most tele:

vision broadcasts, though that would not be
real stereo, Of course, the age of real stereo-
TV sound is now here, what with last year's
FCC go-ahead to the Zenith-dbx system for
transmitting stereo sound along with the pic-
ture on the same TV channel. To receive this
new form of stereo sound, existing TV sets—
including those listed as stereo ready—will
require the addition of a new kind of adapter
that will receive the encoded stereo sound and
decode it into two separate audio channels.
(The new TV sound system can aclual-
ly transmit. three sound channels—one,
presumably, for foreign-language-speaking
viewers.) The decoded stereo sound then can
be fed to any normal stereo amplifier-and-
speaker setup, including existing separate
stereo component systems as well as the twin
amplifierlspeaker systems in stereo-ready TV
sets. But the critical clement is that new
adapler, which is being offered in two basic
configurations. The first is an adapter wired
to an existing set, and the second is a decoder
already биш into a new set. Such sets are
already being sold in arcas of the country
where stereo broadcasts are, or will soon be,
heard.

Recently, several of my friends and I
were discussing the possibility of inereas-
ing the size of the adult penis, Can you
please settle this matter for us? Is there
any successful method or any method that
should work in theory, whether it be man-
ual exercise, any type of drug or hormone
therapy (prescription or otherwise) or a
combination of the two? It seems to me
that some increase in size is possible
J. D., Harrisonburg, Virginia.

Sorry, but what you see is what you get.
Hope springs eternal, but there is no safe,

effective method for increasing the size of the
penis. Trust us—if a successful technique
were to become available, we would unself-
ishly share it with our readers. We wouldn't
even increase our cover price.

Û recently had dinner at a ladyfriend's
house, and she served a bottle of white zin-
fandel as an aperitif. I was puzzled. To my
knowledge, zinfandel is always a red wine,
never a white. Was I the victim of a hoax?
Did she pour a white wine into an older
bottle of zinfandel? Please resolve my con-
fusion.—J. R., San Francisco, California

First the good news: There are while zin-
fandels. Now the bad news: Your date was
actually a transsexual. Just kidding! To make
a white wine out of a red, vintners simply sep-
arate the juice from the skins and the pips.
The results vary, but quite often, they end up
with a wine of a different color and taste.
Some of the famous French reds, such as
Château Margaux and Château Haut-
Brion, have produced white versions of their
wines. We didn't believe a white Beaujolais
was possible until we tasted a Beaujolais
blanc that was as delightful as its colorful
cousins. There are white Côte du Rhönes,
white Pinot Noirs—all worth the adventure
of a taste testing. If you're still confused, sim-
ply eat your meals in subdued light.

WE, problem sors io be the opposite of
other women's. I really dislike receiving
oral sex. When I'm in bed with a guy and
he starts getting into a 69 position, my
heart sinks. It makes me feel as though
somebody's dog is trying to sniff! my
crotch, and my reaction is to give the

intruder a shove. Alas, Pm a romantic; 1
want to cuddle my face into a man’s neck,
not his ass. 1 don't think 1 hate my body. I
Um

love being touched by someone

attracted to, and Т really enjoy being
gered. | have a rather high sex drive—
would like to make love almost every day.
If 1 wait until my truelove comes along,
ГИ die of horn:

ess, so I keep trying. I put
up with oral sex because men seem to
want and expect it. I don't mind doing
some fellatio if a man really likes it, but I
could happily dispense with cunnilingus.

How do I handle this situation—just come
out and say, "Stop that; I don't like it^?
Somehow, that seems too stark. I usually
try to move back into the good old mis-
sionary position, which gives me great
pleasure— I’m orgasmic more than half
the time that way, even more often if Pm
with someone Pm crazy about. Part of the
problem may be that direct stimulation i

too much—it is almost always uncomfort-
able; I never use it on myself (lots of

PLAYROY

solitary sex these days). But I can't seem
to convince the guys of that—they've all
read that damn Shere Hite book, I guess.
(E wish they would read Cynthia Heimel
instead.) ГЇЇ tell someone that I just don't
care for cunnilingus; but next time we're in
bed, guess what he'll do? Is it just force of
habit? The question is, Why do ] have to
do these things? Isn't good old fucking
enough? I enjoy different positions, but
why do everything the first week? Why not
save something for later? 1 guess all this
puts me in the boring category, a distinct
disadvantage for a woman in her 30s look-
ing for love. Pm average-looking, have
dated four guys, none of them one-
nighters, this past year. I didn't seem to
have these problems in my youth or during
the seven years 1 spent with a compatible
man, I'm tempted to give up, buy a dildo
and lead a fantasy life. What do you think?
Aren't there any men who feel as I do?
Docs their age matter? Is it the area I live
in? (I’m not a native of Portland.) And
most of all, how do I tell a man how I feel
without creating a scene in bed, coming on
like a talk show or giving him a presex run-
down on what I do and don't like?—Miss
A. B., Portland, Oregon.

It's not the area you live in—it's the cen-
tury. We're not sure where you got your
notions about oral sex or why you cling to
them, but they are out of date. For most of us,
romance and oral sex are not mutually exclu-
sive. Studies show that the majority of people
today enjoy both giving and receiving head,
and when we are attracted to someone, we
expect to do both as frequently as possible.
Part of attraction is the expectation of sexual
freedom, of there being no limits or lectures in
bed. As we see il, you really have two choices:
Work to change your attitude or hunt for a
man who shares it. We suggest looking toward
the Supreme Court or, perhaps, the audience
of the Phil Donahue show.

IM, girlfriend and I are looking for a
vacation for this summer that combines
romance and the great outdoors. Although
we're in reasonably good condition, most
trekking and rafting trips strike us as a bit
too much like roughrider duty. We're
enough into luxury and gorgeous scenery
to rule that out, but we don't want to hop
onto a tour bus filled with the blue-hair-
rinse set. Can you steer us in the right
direction? —T. P., New York, New York.
Your attitude reminds us of that of a friend
who likes his outdoor adventures with a side
order of the good life —his idea of roughing it
on vacation is being stuck in the woods more
than а mile from the nearest hot tub. If that's
the way you feel, you might consider bicycle
touring, an increasingly popular pastime in
which pedal pushers ride anywhere from 20
10 40 miles a day through highly scenic (and
reasonably flat) countryside, then bed down
in cozy country inns or small hotels. This

year, for example, you can choose trips
through the wine country of Northern Cali-
fornia, complete with visits to wineries; inn-
to-inn jaunts in Vermont's Green Mountains;
rides from Lake Louise to Jasper National
Park in the Canadian Rockies; or tours prac-
tically anywhere in America, from the Deep
South to deepest Colorado. If you'd like to
roam a bit farther, there are European jaunts
along the Rhine Valley, through Holland at
tulip time (say it with flowers) and many
more. For something a bit more, ah, sporting,
there are bicycle trips through China, Tasma-
nia and even Africa's Great Rifl Valley. Good
tour operators usually provide experienced
guides and a so-called sag-wagon van that
provides repairs or a lift to the leg-weary. The
better outfits also rent high-quality touring
bicycles and safety helmets. To track them
down, check Bicycling magazine or the
“Expedition Services Directory" in Outside
magazine or consult your travel agent.

MM uae watching a film one night, a male
friend and I got into an argument. He
insists that all women really enjoy being
roughed up while being made love to and
that being raped is our number-one wish.
I, being a semisensible 34-year-old wom-
feel that he has gotten this strange
idea either from slime magazines or from
God only knows where. For more than 11
years, thi n has been a kind, gentle
and considerate companion and lover; but
all of a sudden, he believes that I will be
more aroused if he slings me around and
causcs me a lot of physical pain. Wrong! I
know the difference, without actually
experiencing it, between having a lover
your arms to the bed firmly while he licks
your neck and breasts and having him
handcuff your arms to a bed while he
shoves a dildo up your ass. I do have fan-
tasies about having him be assertive, but
there is a great difference to me between
wanting that and wanting to be raped.
God, but men must think we are the
dumbest things on this carth if they
believe what they sce in sick magazines
and smut films. [ feel that if you have a
satisfactory sex life while being gentle and
loving, you shouldn't spoil it by trying to
push someone into a situation that is not
appealing or satisfying to her. Everyone
is an idual and has his or her own
necds and desires, but please make it
known that not all the same things work for
all the people all the time.—Miss M. G.,
San Diego, m

Tell your boyfriend what you've told us.
Ask him where he got this notion. If he doesn't
understand your point, find a new boy-
friend.

Maybe you can help me. Lam a gradu-
ating senior faced with two appealing job
offers. The first is close to home, but the
money isn't great. The second would in-
volve major moving expenses, but the sal-

ary is better, Any recommendations?—
B. C., Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

You don't give us much to go on, but we'll
give it a shot. Our advice: Take the second
Job. What your neu employer won't subsidize,
the IRS will. Keep careful records of all the
trips you make for house hunting, as well as
any moving expenses (including shipping
stuff later on). Keep a record of what it costs
you to travel to the new job location as well.
The reason we suggest making the move is
simple—il will show your new employer that
you are willing to go where the action is. In
many companies, advancement hinges on
mobility—training means working in several
places over several years. Good luck.

Tye seen ads for the new contraceptive
sponge. I'm wondering if it might be as
good an idea (if not a better one) to keep
them handy as it is to keep a supply of con-
doms around. Spontaneity does have its
down side: Diaphragms do get left behind,
but would a lady be uncomfortable if a
gentleman offered her a sponge for protec-
tion? Also, how effective is the sponge?
Are there side effects we should know
about?— P. H., Chicago, Illinois.

In theory, we see nothing wrong with keep-
ing contraceptive sponges on hand for spon-
taneous lovemaking sessions —but you should
do this (if you do it at all) in addition to, and
not in place of, having condoms or another
means of birth control available. Offering a
woman a contraceptive sponge does seem to
put the onus of birth control on her—which
really isn't fair, since this responsibility
‚should be shared. After all is said and done, a
great deal depends on how well you know the
lady before this question of sexual etiquette
can be answered. Early statistics we've seen
on the effectiveness of this device indicate that
the sponge is about 85 percent effective.
Among its advantages are the facts that it
works for 24 hours, no application of spermi-
сїйє is necessary and no prescription or filling
is required. Among the disadvantages are the
fact that the sponge must stay im place at least
six hours after intercourse and the price
(sponges average about four dollars for n box
of three and can be used only once). As for
side effects, rashes and allergic reactions have
been reported in just under two percent of the
women who were tested. The risk of toxic
shock is also negligible, and the product does
have FDA approval.

All reasonable questions—from fashion,
food and drink, stereo and sports cars to dating
problems, taste and etiquette —will be person-
ally answered if the writer includes a stamped,
self-addressed envelope. Send all letters to The
Playboy Advisor, Playboy Building, 919 N.
Michigan Avenue, Chicago, Illinois 60611
The most provocative, pertinent queries
will be presented on these pages cach month.

Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health.

PLAYBOY

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DEAR PLAYMATES

th:

The question of the mc

Have you ever seen an X-rated
movie and, if so, did you find it arous-
>

find them arousing. These are other peo-
ple’s fantasies
that you see on
the screen.
Often they are
very different
from your own
fantasies. They
show you
things you've
never even
thought of do-
ing, but they're
teresting. And
its exciting to
sec someone else doing things that |
wouldn't dare do myself. I watch them at
home. Га rather have the privacy. To be
honest, my roommate keeps a whole book-
shelf of them, so I don't have to rent
them.

SUSIE SCOTT
MAY 1983

Е... occasionally seen X-rated movies
and I find them arousing up to a point.
What point? Well, not the gross ones.
Want an exam-
ple? Behind the
Green Door was
not a turn-on.

It was unbe-
lievable what
that woman

did. Erotic to
me is more one-
on-one, a cou-
ple-type thi
That's more of
a tum-on for
me than group-
sex scenes or one girl with a bunch of guys.
I had a boyfriend and we used to go to Le
Hot Tub Club with a bottle of champagne,
rent a movie, get in the bath and watch
That's a lot of fun. We'd just let thc cas-
sette run and run.

JULY 1984

F saw one once and I didn’t find it arous-

ing. I admit I was curious, so a group of

friends got together and went to a theater.
It took only
about 15 min-
utes to disgust
me. I didn't
find it beautiful
or sexy. I got
up and left. I
think that
showing every-
thing takes
away from
what is arous-
ing. I have seen
otlier movies
that showed very little that were sexy and
turned me on a lot nple touch or
the camera angle can do it for me. Let me
be perfectly honest here; being in an atmos-
phere where there were a lot of men off in
corners in their raincoats didn't do it for
me at all. No way.

pda Ge?

ROBERTA VASQUEZ
NOVEMBER 1984

OT course Ive seen X-rated movies, and
my reaction really depends on how they go
about it. I like those that are done in a
classy way and
express real
sexual atti-
tudes. Fantasy
is nice. There
is a difference
between screw-
ng and mak-
ng love. I like
to do both, but
it depends on
my mood.
‘There are times
when passion is
right and should be expressed. But if I'm
feeling romantic, I want my X film to be
sexy and sensuous and soft. Not brash,
and certainly not ugly or mean. And I find
them arousing if | happen to be in the
right mood. But it’s like anything else. I

mean, David Letterman can be arousing if

you're in the right mood.

KIMBERLY MCARTHUR

JANUARY 1982

ve seen them and 1 find them arousing,
if they're visually pretty. Of course, there's
a lot of porn stuff that isn't very attractive.
If it's pretty,
s kind of like
sense memory.
It stirs up cer-
tain feelings
whether be-
cause you've
had similar
experiences or
because you've
had a fantasy
about what you
are seeing. You
become part of
it. The more you watch, the more into it
you can get, and that can be very stimulat-
ing. I couldn't watch them alone, though.
That would be mental masturbation, you
know, leading to masturbation!

TRACY VACCARO
OCTOBER 1983
Depending on the movie, I'd have to say
yes, I think X-rated movies can be very
arousing. I think you have to take them
into your own
fantasies and
through your
own context for
them to work.
A lot of X-rated
movies might
seem gross or
100 explicit
unless you
imagined what
it would be like
if it were you
and someone
you really cared about doing those things.
You have to put yourself into the movie for
it to work. Then it could be enjoyable. Do
І leave them on or turn them off? It
depends on who I'm with, of course!

LORRAINE MICHAEL
APRIL 1581

Send your questions to Dear Playmates,
Playboy Building, 919 North Michigan Ave-
nue, Chicago, Illinois 60611. We won't be
able to answer every question, but we'll try.

Premium.Canadian.

THE PLAYBOY FORUM

a continuing dialog on contemporary issues between playboy and its readers

SEXUAL ABUSE

A threat to parents, families and espe-
cially men is growing in our country —
false charges of sexual abuse. Recent
events in Jordan, Minnesota, were so
clearly a perversion of the system that they
received national media coverage. Robert
and Lois Bentz were falsely accused of ses
ually abusing their own and other children
in a “sex ring” that supposedly included
24 adults and 40 children. They were
acquitted of every charge in a jury trial;
but four months later, the children were
still not back in legal custody to their par-
ents. Nor is this an isolated case; much the
same thing is happening all over. Since we
were expert witnesses and consultants for
families in Jordan, we have received calls
from 45 states from people with similar
stories.

We are psychologists in private practice.
We have spent years dealing with s
abuse and are aware that abuse can
does occur—far too often. But any Ате
can can be accused by anyone of sexually
abusing a child. The accusation is believed
because “children never lie about sexual
abuse.” Until recently, we were the only
ones in our area willing to say that it is not
true that children never Whatever the
situation, the person falsely accused is
destroyed. Children can be put into foster
homes; parents can ‘have their visitation
rights stopped or criminal charges filed
against them. If vou're accused, friends
and neighbors believe you're guilty. You
may lose your job. You may not see your
children for months or even years. You
may bankrupt yourself with legal fees. You
can be sentenced to a long prison term.
Even if vou are finally acquitted of crim
nal charges, you may still have to fight in
family court to sec your children.

Fathers in custody disputes involving
young children are particularly vulnera-
ble. If your wife accuses you of sexually
abusing your child, she may immediately
get custody. You may be prevented from
seeing your children until the matter is
“resolved” in family court. In the mean-
time, you continue to pay child support
ther or not you have contact with your
you are cleared, your
h your child is perma-

relationship. wi
nently damaged,

The exploding number of allegations
and the procedures followed by child-
protection teams, police and prosecutors
match the Salem witch-hunts and the

McCarthy anti-Communist hearings. I
becoming clear that questionable tac
by mental-health professionals, police and

prosecutors are common. Victims of this
modern-day witch-hunt can be subjected
to inadequate or nonexistent investigation,
brainwashing of their children by investi-
gators and therapists, cover-ups and con-
spiracies by law-enforcement officials and
family courts that destroy families rather
than protect them.

As it stands, any family in this country
is subject to a knock on the door from

“Any family in this
country is subject to
a knock on the door.”

social workers or police who will take away
the children and destroy the family. The
only hope to stop this cruel folly is pub-
lic awareness. Politicians, prosecutors,
mental-health professionals and the media
are riding a surge of hysteria about sexual
abuse of children. We believe the truth will
eventually be known. But in the mean-
time, thousands of Americans will have
their lives shattered by their government.
Ralph C. Underwager, Ph.D.
Hollida Wakefield, М.А.
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Il is as naive to imagine that children
never lic about sexual abuse as it is to assume
that adults always tell the truth. Clearly,
strong public concern is well intentioned and

appropriate to stop the exploitative, damag-
ing and often violent acts that have as their
basis an unequal balance of power between
adult and child. But, as Dr. Underwager
indicates, this is one matter in which our law
enforcers cannot err in either direction unth-
oul causing serious harm.

CRIME AND PUNISHMENT

Once again, Chief Justice Warren
Burger has called for a special high-level
judicial panel to help with the “avalanche
of cases coming to the Supreme Court.”
Perhaps the Chief Justice should call for a
judicial panel to study the standards used
for punishing crimes and honoring cri
nals. Of the 20-some men who served
prison terms for their Watergate crimes,
only five were sentenced to a year or
longer. One of those five was former Attor-
ney General John Mitchell. 1 understand
that a portrait of Mitchell is going to be
hung in the Justice Department, and I don't
think it's a copy of his WANTED poster.

Frank Wills also served a year in jail.
Wills was the night security guard who
discovered the Watergate break-in and
alerted the police. In February 1983, the
unemployed Wills received the maximum
jail sentence, 12 months, for stealing a $12
pair of sneakers—a gift for his son. Twelve
months for stealing a pair of shocs and
the same for using the highest law-
enforcement office in the country to break
laws that safeguard fundamental Ameri-
can concepts of freedom and justice. Has
the legal system become screwed up?

If today's Justice Department can honor
Mitchell with a portrait, I suggest that a
life-size statue of Frank Wills be placed at
the building’s entrance.

Lee Haywood Boyce
Washington, D.C.

Let's try to be a little more charitable than
that and ask, “How many past Attorneys
General can you name?” The Department of
Justice has finally done for one of its own
what it did for John Dillinger, Baby Face

Nelson and other memorable villains.

AMEN

An open prayer:

“Sweet Jesus, I beseech you, in the
name of all that is rational, pleasc make
your Pope stay home so that less of
the. nightly news is devoted to his world
travels. If he must travel, please send him
to Ethiopia with truckloads of food and
contraceptives.”

Brian Cawley Viets

PLAYBOY

MAN'S TOWN

Houston to San Francisco: Drop dead.
Or, East is East, West is West and Tex
still is Texas.

1 thought your readers would like to
know that Houston, the town that brought
you Gilley's, the Oilers, the Astros and
higher gasoline prices, has added yet
another feather to its cap. It has made
its streets, sidewalks and neighborhoods
(none of which are zoned) safe from the
greatest menace this side of the Texas
cockroach— namely, Texas gays.

Last January, about 30 percent of the
voters (three times more than usual)
turned out for a local referendum and
walloped a proposal that would have
prevented the city government from
discriminating on the basis of "sexual
orientation," just as with race, sex, creed
or national origin. The city council had
earlier passed such a resolution, then
repealed it in the face of hysteria from the
local preachers, right-wingers (including
the Klan) and habitual zealots. By the
time the referendum, which presented the
issue directly to the voters, was held,
the city was ringing with the kind of
antigay diatribes we had not been privi-
leged to hear since the golden days of
Anita Bryant.

The vote went 82 percent in favor of sex-
val discrimination and 18 percent against
it. The mayor, Kathy Whitmire, a Tootsie
look-alike, says gays will still be protected
as long as she's in office. She can't say
what'll happen if she gets ousted, but we
can guess, judging from the comments of
some members of the antigay coali
For example, that of the Baptist Reverend
C. Anderson Davis that it is “an abomina-
tion to God for [the council] to try to pro-
mote homosexuality." Or from attorney
Richard Barrett, who campaigned against
the referendum: “I hope [the vote]
encourages [gays] to get back into the
closet, where they belong. Maybe it will
encourage them to change their lifestyle.
Maybe it will halt the sprcad of AIDS."

Why Houston, one of the great bastions
of machismo in the United States, has
homophobia doesn't exactly make sense to
me. Maybe it's a way to divert people's
attention from the traffic jams and the
busted-up roadways and the end of the
boom days in Bayou City. Hell, Houston
a city where there are more good-looking
and goodhearted women per square mile
than anywhere else in the world. What-do
we care if a few good ol’ boys turn sweet?
My way of looking at it is, the more gays,
the better the ratio of straight men to
women.

“Billy Bob" Garroway
Houston, Texas

THE REALLY PERSONAL COMPUTER

I have figured out a way for your readers
to deduct their purchase of personal com-
puters from their taxes.

There is an instrument manufactured
that measures the strength of muscle

contractions in a woman's vagina as she
does her Kegel exercises. If that gadget
could be connected to a computer and the
appropriate software written, it would be
ever so marketable. Just think of the bar
graphs, circle charts and wonderfully
helpful print-outs showing percent of
increase, percent of goal, increase by we
and many other ¡ng progress reports.
The marketing of such a product would
be fantastic fun. If any of your sharp read-
ers were to run with the idea, I hope I
would be put down in history as the man
who truly made the computer “personal.”
Ellis N. Campbell
San Carlos, California
As а new application for computers, your
idea is a real humdinger, but the tax angle
somehow escapes us.

STAR WARS

The more I hear about Reagan's Star
Wars program, the more questions I have
Perhaps you can give me answers on a few

“Is it even remotely
possible for Reagan's
Star Wars concept to be
100 percent effective
at any future date?"

points: First, is it even remotely possible
for Reagan's Star Wars concept to be 100
percent effective at any future date? Sec-
ond, if it is 100 percent or even 50 percent
effective, what happens to the destroyed
ICBMs? Do they fall harmlessly to the
ground? Do they explode in mid-air and
release nuclear radiation? If so, where
does this radiation go? Will it then circle
the world and destroy us? If so, of what
use are Star Wars weapons?

I would like an immediate reply so I can
spend my moncy on either a vacation or a
bomb shelter.

Morton Weiss
Wantagh, New York
The answer to all thc above questions is,
Not to worry, because long before anything
remotely resembling a celestial defense system
is in place, the Russians will have seen that
bet and raised, then it's back to us a few times,
until the national economy runs out of chips
and folds. Since a bomb shelter won't save
you either way, do the vacation.

SEX VS. TENDERNESS?

І was fascinated by a recent survey
made by Ann Landers in which she asked
women, “Would you be content to be held
close and treated tenderly and forget
about ‘the act?” Of 90,000 responses,
some 64,000 said, with alarming vehe-
mence, “Yes.” That seems like asl
“Would you rather breathe or cat?
grandmother once advised me to be

sure to marry a man who understood and
spected the fact that women don't enjoy
x. She and my grandfather were deeply

love and she considered herself
supremely fortunate to have found such a
mate. He was thoughtful and loving and
he didn’t require sex. If I understood the
response to Landers’ survey right, Grand-
daddy was the perfect male for the
Eighues.

In a modern corollary to Grandma's
observations, my husband advises me that
all men are constantly plotting to obtain
their next sex act. He estimates that 94
percent of all decisions made by all men
are based on whether they will advance or
reduce their chances of sex.

Given my husband's theory of male sex-
val behavior, many could assume that I
fall into the category Landers would term
Likes sex too much to trade.” On the
contrary, I have never had to trade. The
possibility that ту husband's profound
understanding and fulfillment of my
necd for tenderness is simply the easiest
and most politic way to get me to drop my
laundry has certainly occurred to me, but
I choose not to explore the question.

"The fact is, there's no rcason to trade.
Rather, I volunteer the ideal alternative:
Find a man sensitive (or devious) enough
to provide both tenderness and sexual ful-
fillment. Then watch out!

Lauren O'Malley
Berkeley, California

Several weeks ago, when my boyfriend
and I made love, hc had his orgasm before
Га had опе, then he snuggled up to me
and started snoring. When | suggested
gently that the curtain hadn't yet dropped
on the sexual act, he snuggled a little
closer, nuzzled my neck and said, “Come
оп. You women don't care about orgasms.
All you care about is snuggling. Ann
Landers said so"— proving the adage “A
little knowledge is a dangerous thing.”

Landers asked her female readers
recently whether they'd prefer tenderness
and cuddles to “the act," and almost three
fourths of the 90,000 respondents voted for
cuddles. But it seems to me that her ques-
tion was unfair and the answers were
skewed.

Experience—my own and that of my
friends—has convinced me that women
are more apt than men to associate sex
with tenderness. Landers’ mistake was to
suggest that the two are mutually exclu-
sive, either/or acti

As for the respondents: Who writes
to advice columnists? Happy people?
Hardly. People write to them when they'ré
upset. I didn't bother to answer Landers’
survey, because | like sex and would
rather be enjoying it than wasting my time
writing to h

Still, the fact that more than 60,000
women are so turned off to sex that
they'd write to Landers signals a real
problem. Maybe those women have
never had the good fortune of being
with a man who tended to their sexual
They don't ask for what

FORUM NEWSFRONT

what's happening in the sexual and social arenas

BUZZARD BAIT
A new jogging hazard, documented by
Physicians in Switzerland and reported in
‘The New England Journal of Medicine,
is bird attacks, Doctors at Kantonsspital
Liestal in the Swiss city of Liestal say that
since 1982, they have had to patch up the

heads of 12 male joggers attacked by large
birds, believed to be buzzards, that
swooped down from behind and left them
with cuts up to six inches long.

NO ZONE

BELLINGHAM, WASHINGTON—Inspired by
a stunt that made Whatcom County a
“nuclear-free” zone, anti-abortionists are
pushing for a voter initiative that would
make the county an "abortion-frec" zone.
The initiative not only would ban abor-
tions within the county but would permit
both the pregnant woman and the doctor
performing the operation to be charged
with first-degree murder.

Meanwhile, the Right-to-Life League
of Southern California is the target of a
class-action suit that asks no monetary
damages but would force the group to dis-
close that its pregnancy counseling was,
т fact, anti-abortion counseling intended
lo “intimidate, shock, horrify and fright-
en women into avoiding abortion."

PREVENTION BY LAW

STOCKHOLM —Sweden's National Pub-
lic Safety Board has recommended
changes in the law to permit prison sen-
tences of up to two years for AIDS carriers
who knowingly have sex with persons who
do not have the disease. The proposal fol-
lows the discovery of a relatively small but
increasing number of AIDS victims, eight
of whom have died. The law would not
prohibit ALDS sufferers from having sex-
ual relations with one another.

KEEPING UP WITH THE TIMES

BERKELEY, CALIFORNIA—The Berkeley
cily council has voted eight to zero to
approve a ‘live-in lovers” law that
extends certain health and welfare benefits
to the domestic partners of unmarried city
employees. "We've approached it as a civil
right," explained councilwoman Ann
Chandler. {Ти is] a time when the fam-
ily structure and definition of family has
changed, and we have to recognize the
rights of people who live together without
benefit of marriage." To qualify, couples,
heterosexual or homosexual, must sign an
affidavit stating that they have lived
together for at least six months, are each
other's "sole domestic partners and they
are responsible for their common welfar
A similar law was passed in San Fran-
cisco in 1982 but was vetoed by Mayor
Dianne Feinstein.

COST RECOVERY

SACRAMENTO— While skirting the issue
of future earnings, the California
Supreme Court has ruled that a wife
who supports her husband through profes-
sional school has a right to recover. the
expense of his education if the marriage
ends in divorce. In effect, the court
deferred to a new state law: that permits
divorce judges to treat a professional edu-
cation as community property worth at
least the cost of obtaining it.

PREGNANCY VS. PRINCIPLE

PROVIDENCE, RHODE ISLAND— Officials of
Saint Joseph Hospital have advised that
they will not violate Roman Catholic doc-
trine by offering rape victims the so-called.
morning-after pill that can prevent preg-
nancy if a ten-day treatment. program is
started within 72 hours after sexual inter-
cou Although the hospital's emergency
room is commonty used by police and res-
cue services, the Church considers the pill,
which prevents implantation of a fer
lized egg, a form of abortion.

BACK TO COURT

WASHINGTON, DG — The U.S. Supreme
Court has agreed to review a case from
Hyattsville, Maryland, that may decide
whether police have the power to deter-
mine what is obscene in closing adult
bookstores and making arrests or whether
they must first take the materials before
a judge, who will make the initial deter-
mination and issue arrest warrants. A
Maryland appeals court threw ош
the case for lack of a warrant, but the
state attorney general is arguing that
police can act on their own when they
have reason to believe a crime is being
committed in their presence.

SPOUSAL RAPE

ALBANY, NEW ҮОКК—/ а six-lo-zero
decision that. effectively. revises state sex
laws, the New York Court of Appeals has
ruled that men can be prosecuted for rap-
ing their wives. It further held that sex
laws should be “gender neutral" and that
women can be proseculed for raping or
sodomizing their husbands.

By legislation instead of court decision,
Pennsylvania also has made spousal rape
a criminal offense, though a lesser crime
than other types of rape.

ANTIPOVERTY OR ANTI-ABORTION?

WASHINGTON, Dc—fFederal officials
who are supposed to manage funds for the
poor gave nearly $100,000 to an anti-
abortion group called Birthright, Inc.,
and a Reagan Administration official
then tipped off that group by letter on how
to seek $15,000,000 worth of grants,
which would virtually exhaust the budget
for VISTA, the Government's antipoverty
program. The author of the letter was told
to repay the cost of the mailing, but his
superior said, "I'm not going to fire a guy
for making one mistake.”

CRANKY CABDRIVER

ANNAPOLIS. MARYLAND—A Baltimore
cabdriver has come out of court with a
$500 fine and three years probation for
lacking a woman passenger in his vehicle
Jor almost half an hour over a four-cent
Jare dispute. The problem arose when the
woman could pay only 82.46 toward the

$2.50 on the meter and the 54-year-old
driver refused to change her ten-dollar
bill, in accordance with a posted notice.
By the time the woman obtained change
from a passer-by and was let out, the wait-
ing time had increased the fare to $5.20.

PLAYBOY

they want because they're afraid to
nconvenience" their partner or embar-
rass themselves. In their silence, there fes-
ters resentment—toward sex and their sex
partner, But if these women don't like sex,
ius like deciding they don't like cheese
because all they've ever had is limburger.
What worries me is that Landers’ sur-
vey might delude a lot of men into thinking

that all women dislike sex and that
because they do, men needn't bother try-
ing to please them
(Name withheld by request)
Orlando, Florida
Consider what a "No" answer to Ann's
craftily worded question would have implied:
that you would be content just to fuck and not
be held close or treated tenderly.

WHORELESS HOUSE

Ely, Nevada, is a small mining com-
munity whose oldest working brothel
dates back to the early 1900s. Although
hundreds of bachelor diggers once
hacked a living from the copper pits on
the edge of a city of 9000, the copper is
long gone and the population has
shrunk to about half that

‘The economic outlook for Ely is not
unrelievedly bleak, A few
miners still extract gold and silver from
nearby mineral seams. and then there
is The Horizontal Bore & Drilling
Company.

Inc., the hot-

test growth

industry in

the area. The

H.B. & DC.

is a fully

licensed, com-

pletely legal

but unstatled

whorehouse

chartered by

California en-

treprencur

Susan Gott-

lich, 44, solely

for the pur-

pose of pushing framed, numbered
registered certificates of stock. Her sell-

however.

ing proposition is "Own a piece of the
world's oldest profession

Before going into the whoreless-
house business, Gottlich talked with
lawyers and with state and Federal ofli-
cials to make sure her scheme was not a
scam in the eyes of the law. A couple of
people in the Nevada state government

"sort of goos about it, she

and the U.S. Securities

and Exchange Commission politely

declined to let her sell shares

through registered brokers. So what

she ended up with was a legitimate

cross between a Pet Rock and a club
membership.

Each floridly engraved certificate
comes with a cunningly crafted pro-
spectus explaining that the usual inves-
tor privileges, such as voting rights and
profit participation, are not extended to
Н.В. & D.C. stockholders. In an

analysis of the company's financial con-
dition, assets are described as "well
rounded and firm," and the independ-
ent accountants boldly forecast “a
bcautiful bottom line." An estimate of
total corporate equity is hampered by
the fact that “hard assets arc tempo-
ary in naturc." Included with a cer-
tificate is an application form that
must be completed by stockholders
who wish to avail themselves of a wide
range of hypothetically available broth-
el services.

While there
are no imme-
diate plans
10 staf the
house, “own-
ers" arc wel-
come to visit
their property
and inspect
the physical
plant—a two-
story Victo-
rian facade
trimmed with
pink ginger-
bread and
fronting a 40-

foot-long trailer lavishly decorated in a
style Gottlieb ascribes to wild West
bordellos.

Ely mayor Barlow N. White, a self-
described "very conservative Republi-
can," welcomed Gottlicb’s operation to
his community. as he would any other
business. White says that the city coun-
cil didn't want Ely to become known as

"the whorchouse capital of the world,
but we seem to have that reputation
anyway, and this was a little different.”
A dividend of his open-mindedness is a
pledge from Gottlieb to donate tcn per-
cent of her revenues to the city of Ely

Madam" Gottlieb has already
made hersclf a bundle. Initial capital-
ization to $27.32 for a
brothel license, plus trailer and dec
tion costs. The stock-ownership kits go
for $11.95 and profits in one quarter
have calculated out at more than 200
percent. The Fortune 500 should do so
well LAURIE KALMANSON

amounted

FAIR FATHERING

Fredric Hayward's letter in the Febru-
ary Playboy Forum appalled me. His thesis
“that if abortion is legal, then paternity
suits are not" is totally irrational. In an
abortion situation, the woman decides
whether or not to become a parent,
thereby fully assuming the responsibilities
for the child. In a paternity action, the sole
decision is whether or not a man will con-
tribute to the support of a child, assuming
it is proved that he is the father. A pater-
nity action requires no more parental
responsibility than signing and mailing a
check

It seems to me that the defendant in
such an action abrogated the decision to
become a parent when he failed to take the
necessary precautions to prevent concep-
tion. (No, I do not think the responsibility
belongs solely to onc side or the other.)

As one can sec from the recent crack-
down on nonsupporting fathers, some
men, for whatever reason, do not pay child
support even when they arc under a court
order to do so. How many men would vol-
unteer to be responsible for the support of
a child without the impetus ofa paternity
n?

Coleen Hall Dailey, J.D
East Liverpool, Ohio

LOOK AGAIN

Lam not pleased. After returning home
from a fairly tough day at work, 1 popped
open a beer, lighted a cigarette, sat back
and opened the March issue of PLAYBOY for
alittle R&R. After scanning the pictorials,
reading Rov Blount Jr., Dan Jenkins, Asa
Baber, Cynthia Heimel and the rest of the

guys who always brighten up my day, I
began reading The Playboy Forum

Tt almost slipped by me, but there on
page 46, staring up at me like day-old
vomit, was a word in a letter from Tony

Edward Brown of St. Louis: Reagan-
steinomics. Oh, fuck. Here we go again.
To the best of my knowledge, there are
no Jews (I assume that was your implica-
tion, Brown, rather than an carthenware
beer mug) in either Ronnie's or Nancy's
family tree—or Stockman's or Kemp's
But for some reason, Brown chose to throw
Stein into the middle of Reaganomics
How very clever. How very subtle.
Brown, what you lack in originality you
make up for in ignorance. Perhaps you
think bigotry is all the rage in your com-
munity. Or maybe you feel very bold in
taking on a community that makes up a
very small percentage of the American
bold, indeed, Brown. You

All bigots are pukes. Human vomit.
Spewers of hatred and fear. Black ones
qualify just as well as white ones.

I don't care who your boss is, who owns
your building, which of Nixon's men you

thought was a Jew. To turn an entire
ation or people into one word—Stein,
Hymie, nigger, reds ick—is an act

of criminal ignorance.

I find this sense of the ironic truly
inspiring. Brown drops his Reagan-
steinomics into a letter that I assume is
supposed to convince me that blacks are
discriminated against and oppressed by
white bigots, and this is bad. And then he
finishes with a flourish: "Not that any-
body's listening."

You're barking up the wrong tree, fella.
You're also very, very bad at persuasive
writing. That one word you just had to
throw in there blew your shit wide open. If
there's a case to be made in your letter, I'll
сг sec it. Your credibility went out the
dow with your sensibility.

Now I'm left to put together the rest of
my cvening and rid myself of this rage at
another crusading human-rights bigot.
Maybe if I read Jenkins again, I'll cool off.
Which will put me one up on one Tony
Edward Brown. Tomorrow ГЇЇ be cool
and, Tony, you'll still be you.

"Tom Dekel
Jerusalem, Israel

Reread Brown’s letter, which deplores
Reagan's “sacking of affirmative action,
voting-rights enforcement and social relief
programs,” and see if you don't agree thal
“Reaganstein” is merely a play on Franken-
stein, Which, now that we think about it, does

sound kind of Jewish.

ACADEMIC OVERKILL

The truth has finally come out about
academic recruiting practices at some uni-
versities in our area, and what a sorry
story it is. Completely overstepping their
bounds, local college deans have fanned
out to neighboring statcs and have virtu-
ally camped on the doorsteps of blue-chip
students from high schools with cham-
pionship number-sense teams or award-
winning literary magazines. Around here,
it’s common practice for a dean to take
along scantily clad, provocative coeds to
entice National Honor Society students to
attend his college.

Well-to-do alums help out, too, and it is
not at all unusual to see National Merit
Scholars driving around some area college
campuses in Firebirds, Camaros and other
flashy “muscle” cars that everyone knows
were not bought with income from sum-
mer jobs.

Now, Pm not saying there's anything
wrong with trying to recruit blue-chip stu-
dents, but what about the other kids—the
ones who have struggled for years out on
the football fields of countless high schools
to prepare themselves for the greater game
of life? These hard-working students are
completely ignored in the aggressive, no-
holds-barred, go-for-it strategy that has
become a way of life at some big-name col-
leges that sacrifice athletics for strictly aca-
demic glory.

And what about the students who are
recruited? Sure, the glory is great for a
while. But many are put in grueling math,
science and philosophy courses that
require so many hours of work that they
never see a playing field. Of course, some

are given special physical-education
tutors, but what kind of P.E. is tha? How
are they going to cope physically when
they leave the cloistered academic life?
How many of them will know how to run
an under-ten-second 100-yard dash when
they graduate? Will any of them appreci-
ate the importance of bench-pressing 300
pounds?

In a time when scholarship has become
big business, no one cares about the indi-
vidual, and colleges aren't the only guilty
Large corporations are ent
g college students to leave th

THE BATTLE
OF
THE ROGUE

In the war between good and evi
that has marked the Eighties, the skir-
mish that occurred in Whecler, Texas,
should not go unrecorded. Maybe
future historians will be able to deter-
mine which side won.

The fight centered on Wheeler's little
Rogue Theater, whose owner, Ed Май,
tried in 1981 to cut his box-office losses
by showing such racy PG- and R-rated
films as Stripes, Blue Lagoon and The
World According to Garp. This outraged
some members of the Wheeler Chris-
tian Church and its Reverend Ricky
Pfeil, who began buying newspaper ads
and writing columns (“Do Wc Have
Pornography in Our Town?”) in The
Wheeler Times. Meanwhile, church
members started picketing the offend-
ing movies, except on Sundays and
Wednesdays, when services were being
held. “I object to all R-rated and most
PG-rated movies," the Reverend Mr.
Pfeil declared.

After nearly a year of protests, thea-
ter owner Nall filed a $500,000 lawsuit
against Pfeil and the church, charging
that he was being libeled and harassed
out of business. Lawyers thought the
case raised some mighty interesting
issues of frecdom of religion and First
Amendment rights. But as the trial
date approached, the owner and the
reverend were having thoughts of their
own—about how to pay the lawyers in
a case that could go into vears of
appeals and financially break the forces
of good and evil alike.

A compromise was finally hammered
cut: The forces of good would buy out
the forces of evil for $50,000 and dis-
missal of the suit and then figure out
what to do with a money-losing
moviehouse in a town of 1500, whose
citizens now will have to drive 45 miles
to another Texas Panhandle town,
Pampa, population 21,000, where the
action is. — BILL HELMER

studies before they graduate. Sometimes
the big salaries and bonuses are just too
much for a young ghetto-bred theoretical
mathematician or phenomenologist to
resist And can you blame him?

€ to know what others think about.
ig tide of scholastic commercialism
and the shameful lack of emphasis on
physical education.

Hoot Gruben
Dallas, Texass

BREAKING THE BANK

"The legal system in this country has had
a couple of hundred years to deal with the
results of the messy, old-fashioned way of
making babies, but artificial insemination,
embryo transplants and private contracts
renting out surrogate wombs have left the
courts way behind, The current confusion
caused by the new conception technologies
demonstrates what can happen when tech-
nological advances outpace the law. I have
faith that the courts will eventually fig-
ure out what to do about such issues as the
inheritance rights of orphaned frozen
embryos and whether or not the frozen
sperm-bank deposits of a dead man are
part of his estate. The same human inge-
nuity that brought us these advances wi
sooner or later, learn how to deal with
their ramifications.

One ramification could be a San Fran-
cisco gang of machine-gun-toting radical
lesbian feminists staging armed robberies
of their local sperm banks. Is anybody
ready for that?

M. Fuller
Baton Rouge, Louisiana

MENTAL-PLAQUE BUILD-UP

It occurs to me that I may actually be
able to provide some relief to the fuzzy
headed people whose letters you publish
Confusion, anxiety and a host of negative
mental reactions to everyday life are often
precipitated by a build-up of what I and
my scientific-research team call mental
plaque. Yes. If you go around talking with
idiots all day, you are bound to get some
mental-plaque build-up between the cars.
I have invented a product that can cure
this condition. Mental floss, inserted in
one ear and pulled out the other, can
remove mental-plaque build-up when
used as part of a regular program of men-
tal hygiene. I recommend it to your read-
ers. And remember: Floss at least twice a
day, and always floss between meetings.

Susan Riesman
Chicago, Minois

Would you be referring to letters such as the

two preceding ones?

“The Playboy Forum" offers the opportu-
nity for an extended dialog between readers
and editors on contemporary issues. Address
all correspondence to The Playboy Forum,
Playboy Building, 919 North Michigan Ave-
nuc, Chicago, Illinois 60611.

PLAYBOY

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PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: SPARKY ANDERSON

a candid conversation with the casey stengel of the eighties about
hittin’, winnin’ and spittin'—and really lovin’ the game of baseball

With all due respect to Lee Iacocca, Sparky
Anderson must be the best thing to hit the
beleaguered city of Detroit in a long time.
When he was hired to take over as manager
of the Detroit Tigers three months into the
1979 season, the team was in a nose dive
almost as deep as the auto industry's. Cars
weren't selling; the Tigers sure weren't win-
ning. So on his first day on the job, Sparky
announced that within five years—by
1984—the Tigers would win it all, would
become the world. champions of baseball.
Baseball writers scoffed — "SPARKY ANNOUNCES.

л LAN" one headline sneered.
After all, hadn't he been fired the previous
year by the Cincinnati Reds? Despite a ғери-
lation for canniness with the press (and for
cheerfully mangling the English language),
wasn't it likely that ol’ Sparky had seen his
best days?

Last year, Sparky proved that his best days
were still ahead of him. He shaped a world-
champion team out of a collection of players
many sportswriters had written off. And he
did it right on schedule. The Detroit Tigers
not only won the world series, they sel a lot of
records along the way. The team's 35 wins
and five losses during the first two months set
a major-league record for the best start in
baseball history. The Tigers remained in first

“Losin’ is lousy, It really affects me. It affects
my family, too. Even if it's just a minor
slump, the way my mind works, I think PU
never win again. I should know better, but I
got this disease called baseball.

place from opening day to the final day of the
season; the last club to do that had been
the legendary 1927 New York Yankees with
Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig. While winning
more games than any previous Tigers team,
they drew 2,704,794 fans—the highest home
attendance: in team history, just shy of
the American League's all-time attendance
mark. The Tigers finished an astonishing 15
games ahead of their nearest rival in base-
ball's toughest division, the American League
East, before they went on to sweep Kansas
City in the American League play-offs and
then beat the San Diego Padres four games to
one in the world series. In short, the Tigers
had a monster year.

Those are the team statistics. Sparky's per-
sonal statistics as a manager in 1984 put him
on а pedestal loftier than that of any other
manager in baseball history: He became the
first manager to win a world series in both
leagues; the first to win 100 games or more in
both leagues; the first to win the Manager of
the Year award in both leagues, He now holds
the record for the most play-off games won by
any manager—17. All of which makes him
today. by percentages, the winningest active
manager in the game.

"He's not the smartest strategist in the
world," says Joe Morgan, Sparky's star sec-

0 many players credit God with their swing
after hitting a home run. You hear that a lot
these days. I look at it this way: If God let you
Tut à home run last time up, then who struck
you oul next time at bai?”

опа baseman at Cincinnati, “[but] the most
overrated idea in baseball is that a manager
wins and loses games with strategic moves on
the field. Sparky is smart enough to know that
if he can get the players to perform on the
field the way they are capable, he doesn't have
to make those strategic moves.

Adds the Tigers’ Hall of Fame radio
announcer, Ernie Harwell: “I've been in
baseball almost 50 years and I don't recall
ever seeing a manager use all the players he
has available so well. Everybody gets a
chance to play, sooner or later—Sparky's the
master of platooning. Also the master of
the sneak atiack—doing the unexpected. He
doesn't believe in computer readouts of player
statistics, like so many managers do these
days—he plays his hunches and, more often
than not, his hunches pay off for him. I think
maybe he does have a. genius, and that's not
believing he's a genius, the way a lot of man-
agers believe they are."

Genius or nat, he's certainly the most
Jamous fellow ever to hail from Bridgewater,
South Dakota. His father moved the family to
Los Angeles when Sparky was eight; Sparky
started hanging around the University of
Southern California baseball practices, even-
tually becoming the bat boy. He fell “totally in
love" with the game and became a good

PHOTOGRAPHY BY DAVID MECEY

"Bein! the first manager lo win it all in both
leagues didn't make me no prettier, did it?
Didn't make me no more handsome. Didn't
reduce my blood pressure, didn't take away
my baseball ulcer.”

PLAYBOY

enough high school player to catch the eye of a
Brooklyn Dodgers scout, a family friend who
signed him up after graduation for a small
bonus—enough to buy a wedding ring for his
high school sweetheart, who has been his wife
ever since—and off he went into the low
minor leagues, class C of the California
league. He knew his only way to make it to the
major leagues was through sheer fierceness on
the field; since he didn't have the natural ath-
lete's ability, he had to be a scrapper. As he
moved his way up through the minor leagues
in the Fifties, he became famous for his deter-
mination, sometimes even kneeling in front of
second base and daring the opposing runner
to reach the bag by running over him. He was
not fond of umpires who disagreed with his
opinions, and at one of his minor-league pit
stops, the local radio announcer would
describe his flare-ups with umpires as “the
sparks; there go the sparks at second base
again.” George Anderson, the name on
the birth certificate, went into limbo that year,
and Sparky was born—a name that has stuck
throughout his life in baseball. His dream of
being a major-leaguer came true briefly in
1959, when he landed a utility-infielder job
with the Philadelphia Phillies, But the next
year, he was shipped down again, and he fig-
ured that the only way to stay in the game he
loved so much was to manage.

After a series of minor-league managing
posts during the Sixties, Sparky re-entered the
major leagues as a coach in 1969 with a
brand-new team, the San Diego Padres. The
next year, a man he had knoum throughout
his minor-league experience was hired as the
general manager of the Cincinnati Reds, who
were looking for a new manager. Sparky got
the job. Eight years later, having won five
division titles, four pennants and two world
series and having finished lower than second
only once, the most celebrated National
League manager of the Seventies was told he
was out of a job by the new general man-

ager.

Although the Detroit Tigers improved
under Sparky's management, they continued
to finish ош of the money. But Sparky didn't.
A smart CBS vice-president hired him
to do "color work" on the network's world-
seris radio broadcasts. He proved to be
colorful, indeed—he gained a national
reputation for describing the finer points of
the game with down-home humor, an occa-
sional malapropism and such Dizzy Dean—
like enthusiasm that millions of television
viewers turned off the sound, watched the
game and listened to Sparky's radio commen-
lary. With his repulation as a latter-day
Casey Stengel still on the rise, PLAYBOY sent
free-lance writer Ken Kelley to follow him
around during the off season in Puerto Rico,
Detroit and Southern California. Kelley's
report.

"The first thing that hits you when you
meet Sparky is how much the game can age a
guy who has spent all his life in it and is so
devoted to it. He's just 51 years old, but his
hair is pure white and his face is a road map
of every stretch of minor-league highway he

ever traveled. 1 knew his age, of course, but I
think sometimes his looks made me forget;
when we talked baseball history, Га ask him
what it was like to see such and such an old-
timer play. ‘Ken,’ he'd admonish with a
chuckle, ‘you're forgettin’ 1 don't go back that
far. 1 just look old. I feel young."

"The second thing you notice is how
thoughtful he is before he answers a question.
He tamps down the tobacco in his pipe, slowly
stokes it —and then he's off and running: He
answers the question, expands on it, raises
new questions and then expands some more.

“When I approached him to do the "Inter-
view,” he suggested we meet in San Juan—he
ums going there for a week of scouting some
Tigers prospects playing in the winter league,
and he thought it might be a relaxing time to
gel in some good conversation. Nothing could.
have been further from the truth in terms of.
relaxation; but as it turned out, the experi-
ence of being with him there proved over and
over again that he was telling the truth when
he said he felt young. We spent almost one
week doing three-hour sessions, and I'd
always come away exhausted from the heat,
the jet lag and Ihe intensity of the conversa-
lion. But afterward, Sparky would go out
and do the job he'd gone down to do—often
spending hours traveling to a remote town on

“I don't have no school
smarts, but I do understand
guys. I don't think Гое been

tricked by too many guys.”

the island, hours watching the game and talk-
ing with the players, hours coming back, only
to have to meet me again the next day. One
day, he even played second base for three
innings in an old-timers game; he didn’t geta
hit, but he was all over his territory, making
some great catches and throws. All this in
addition to the effort he made with the fans—
not just to all the Puerto Rican fans, to whom
he was the great Señor Sparky, but to the
American tourists as well.

"During our final session al his home in
Thousand Oaks, California, things were
much more relaxed and private, though when
1 arrived, he was grimacing over the latest
stack of fan mail that had turned the dining-
room table into a small-scale Mount Fuji. We
sat on his patio, the sun shone bright and he
talked a bit about the difference between
Sparky Anderson—the showbiz guy, the do-
yourjob guy—and George Anderson, the
guy who, as he puts it, keeps him honest
when he's being Sparky. 1 came away know-
ing I had met them both, and both were a
pleasure.”

PLAYBOY: We want to start with the serious
baseball questions first—like, when did
you start chewing bubble gum?

ANDERSON: Well, 1 started chewing it

about 30 years ago, and then I started
wrappin’ it around tobacco—1 don't
like the taste of chewin' tobacco, so 1
chew the bubble gum and then wrap it
around the wad of tobacco.

PLAYBOY: Sounds delicious.

ANDERSON: Well, it don't taste so good,
but it don't taste so bad once you get used
to it. Sort of a neuter taste—ain't that the
word?—something to chew on and spit
out, for the nerves. Why the heck are you
askin’, anyway? I thought you said serious.
PLAYBOY: Because during the world series
last year, every other TV shot scemed to
show you blowing a big pink bubble.
ANDERSON: If you're askin’ if Pm worried
about my image that way, the answer is
no—I never think about that kind of
thing. A lot of players these days chew the
gum, but they don't wrap it around
tobacco or blow any bubbles. А lot of other
players just chaw on a plug of tobacco, like
players did in the old d. because they
think it's part of the tradition, I guess. Not
as much as they used to in the old days,
though, I don’t think. It’s funny to me
when I see sports reporters make a big
deal out of why players spit so much——
PLAYBOY: Why do they spit so much?
ANDERSON: Again, it’s just a nervous
habit. Maybe it ain't the greatest thing to
look at on television, but the cameras could
focus on other things, like the game goin"
on. The point is, when you gotta spit, you
gotta spit, and it ain't the ballplayers' fault
that it shows up on television. They're just
playin’ the game, doin’ their job.

PLAYBOY: You had quite a bit of media
exposure when you managed Cincinnati's
Big Red Machine in the Seventies; but last
year, with the Tigers’ success, it seemed as
ifevery ten minutes there was another pic-
ture of you in the papers atop your latest
colorful quote.

ANDERSON: I'll tell ya, it was the longest
year I ever had. Startin’ off like we did,
it created a time bomb. When you start
out with a 35-5 record, there's so much
attention. Everybody wanted to have a
piece of me. It was curious to me, though,
because even up to the end, many of the
stories were sayin’, “Who are these guys?
When's this whole thing gonna collapse:
Like, nobody can be this good; it's just a
fluke, and pretty soon the Orioles will get
their rear in gear and overtake us.
PLAYBOY: Did the team's spectacular start
lead to overconfidence?

ANDERSON: Not for me. l've been in the
game long enough to know that you can
hit a losing streak so fast, where vou just
^t win—same way as when you're on a
ning streak, you just can't lose. I've
үз been a pessimist that way—l
ys think a losing streak is just around
the corner. l's a matter of you're gonna
win only so many games, I don't care who
you are or how you start out.

PLAYBOY: You played in the major leagues
lor one season and obviously didn't over-
whelm the world with your ability as
a player.

ANDERSON: ] think it's fair to say that I
was an extremely mediocre player.
PLAYBOY: Why is it that so many mediocre
players turn out to be great managers and
50 many great players turn out to be lousy
managers? Ty Cobb and Ted Williams, for
instance, were poor managers.
ANDERSON: Well, when you're a mediocre
player, you need to talk to so many differ-
ent people that you learn how to commu-
nicate with players, because so many
people have tried to help you. And you
have a great chance to learn more about
the game because you're warmin’ your
butt on the bench. E also think it's unfair
to lay the blame on, say, a Ted Williams
for his managing record, because you have
to look at the club һе had to deal with. I
think good dubs make good managers,
not the other way around

Pete Rose was hired as the player-
manager of the Reds last year, and I think
he's gonna be the first great player who
becomes a great manager, for the simple
reason that he gives so much; that's
the way he is. I think that came across in
the Playboy Interview I read back in the
late Seventies [September 1979]
PLAYBOY: Backing up a bit, what got you
into baseball? In both of the books you've
written—The Main Spark, when you were
in Cincinnati, and Bless You Boys, in
Detroit—you give a lot of credit to your
father for your baseball career. Did he fill
you with dreams of big-league glory?
ANDERSON: I'll tell ya somcthin'— when I
was a kid, 1 never thought about the big
leagues or nothin', because I didn't know
about them. Until I was eight ycars old,
my family was in South Dakota and I was
playing pickup games my daddy would
organize, but nobody knew anything
about the major leagues. It was real
remote out there. Then, when my family
moved to Los Angeles, the big deal was the
Pacific Coast League—technically, I
guess, it was minor-league ball, but it was
the biggest deal on the West Coast. My
dad moved us out there because he got a
job in a defense plant, in a Navy shipyard,
painting ships. But I was real fortui
because the University of Southern
fornia, which had the greatest baseball
coach in history, Rod Dedcaux—he's
still the coach there— was only about two
blocks away, and I got to become bat boy
and baseball became my life. I went there
every day, every day, and I just loved to
play. Га get up at eight o'clock in the
morning in the summer and run down
there, because there was a game of “over
the linc"—if you hit the ball over the out-
ficlder's head, it was a single—the Los
Angeles version of sand-lot baseball, T
guess. And we'd play it all summer. I look
back and try to think, When did I really
want to be a baseball player? And I don't
think there's an answer; one thing just led
to another—I just fell in love with base-
ball, and I don't know why. I really don't.
I'm glad I did, though. I can say that out

Purcell Mountains.
A rugged place for
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WESTERN CANADA —The hardest part of the
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Later, thawing out by the fire, we knew we'd
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Over Windsor Canadian, we talked about it
all night long. That's some smooth whisky.

It's made from water that runs down from
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with the way Windsor Canadian ages.

Rugged country. Smooth whisky. Both

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PLAYBOY

loud, because I tried basketball and foot-
ball when I was in high school, and they
didn't do for me what baseball did.
There's just a special magic to the game of
baseball.

PLAYBOY: That raises an interesting point.
Until the late Sixties, baseball was always
the national pastime, almost more Ameri-
can than apple pie. Then football became
the passion. Baseball attendance declined;
it became a recurrent theme in the press to
denounce baseball as boring. Now it's the
reverse—interest in football is down, as
are its TV ratings, while baseball attend-
ance is at an all-time high and the latest
broadcasting rights to the game almost
quadrupled the previous contract. Why?
ANDERSON: I think one of the reasons is
that in baseball, size has nothin' to do with
performance, really. You could be a
midget and make it, if you were quick
enough, in baseball. It ain't a contact
sport, like football. It's a matter of skill,
and I think the American public appreci-
ates skill —what a little guy can do when
he does it right. There's no room on a foot-
ball team for a shortstop. Even though he
don't weigh too much, his agility is essen-
tial to winning games. We have the best in
the business in shortstops with Alan
Trammell, as far as I’m concerned. I still
love watching football, I gotta say that.
PLAYBOY: Many sportswriters mention the
fact that you delegate authority in
the same way football coaches do—you
give your management team power to
decide things in a way unusual in baseball,
where managers usually play God.
ANDERSON: Let's leave God out of it for the
time being— that's a whole different thing
we can get into later—but I know what
you're sayin’, I just feel that when I hire a
coach, I hire him because he's very knowl-
edgeable. Just because he ain't the man-
ager don’t mean he's got no brains. My
pitching coach I rely on a lot; he runs
everything with the pitchers until game
time. When game time comes, I make
every decision. For this reason: My coach
is not being paid to take the burden of win-
ning the game—that's my job, and I w:
to know what he thinks about the
tion, but I’m the guy who win: я
PLAYBOY: Many managers the
pitches from the dugout. Do you do that?
ANDERSON: Once in a while, when we have
a particular strategy in mind; but we have
such a great catcher in Lance Parrish now
that we don't do it very much. I trust his
judgment. That's a luxury a lot of manag-
ers don't have.

PLAYBOY: You've often said you had the
luxury of having the greatest catcher in
history— Johnny Bench at Cincinnati.
ANDERSON: Yeah, and I’m not puttin’
down Lance when I say that. Those Cin-
cinnati years were just a manager’s dream.
How often do you get a Johnny Bench, a
Pete Rose, a Joe Morgan, a Tony Perez—a
Hall of Fame dream team at its peak that
you sort of inherit your first year as a
major-league manager? | was real lucky.

PLAYBOY: So far, you make it seem as if
being a great manager is a matter of being
the right guy in line at the supermarket
But it's certainly more than that, isn't it?
ANDERSON: Ycah, you're right, and I guess
the most important quality of leadership.
is honesty. The player has to know when
he's talkin’ to you that you're bein’ honest
with him. That's a must. But I really
don’t know the answer to your question,
because—and I’m treatin’ you like a
player now, bein’ honest—l honestly
don’t know what makes a great manager,
and anybody who says he knows don’t
know. There's no guidelines. To judge it
that way, every manager who won would
have to have the same team and have that
same team have the same type of year in
the same situation over and over—then
we'd be able to tell.

PLAYBOY: Cascy Stengel? His Yankees dur-
ing the Fifties were pretty consistent win-
ners, wouldn't you say?

ANDERSON: He was great, no question. He
also had tremendous teams. Some pecple
say you'd have to be a complete idiot not
to win with the talent he had, but the point.
is, he won. And we'll never know whether,
if someone else had managed the Yankees
then, he would have won. I just think it's
hogwash for a manager to sit down with a
team owner and say, “Well, I can do this
and I can do that"—it's so unpredictable.
PLAYBOY: Hold it, Sparky. Didn’t you pre-
dict that the Tigers would be world cham-
pions by 1984?

ANDERSON: Was I right? Did I de
PLAYBOY: Sure you were, but you've just
contradicted yourself.

ANDERSON: Well, maybe you're right. You
want to know the reason I said Га take the
team downtown within five years—win it
all? I had a brand-new five-year contract.
What was I supposed to say at all the
press conferences—“I promise we'll finish
fourth after five years"? I just figured it
was my job to win and say so—that’s why
my hoss pays me money.

And you wouldn't be talkin’ to me if I
didn’t deliver—1 know that. I mean, bein’
the first manager to win it all in both
leagues didn’t really make me no prettier,
did it? Didn't make me no more hand-
some. Didn't reduce my blood pressure,
didn’t take away my baseball ulcer.
PLAYBOY: When the Tigers hired you, did
you become the highest-paid manager in
the history of the game?

ANDERSON: Jeez, I really don't know. 1
really don’t like to talk about money. Why
are you askin’ this?

PLAYBOY: Well, for one thing, in his July
1983 Playboy Interview, Earl Weaver
claims that he agreed to sign on for his
final season with Baltimore only if he'd be
the highest-paid manager in baseball his-
tory. He says that you were the highest-
paid manager then and that he:
ANDERSON: Wanted to one-up me? I sec
what you're gettin’ at. I agreed to let the
Tigers let Baltimore know what I was
makin’. It was OK with me. But ГИ tell

you what—I let the Tigers tell the Orioles
about my salary, since Earl felt it was so
important, but what was nol mentioned to
Earl was that I got a yearly cost-of-livi
increase, He didn't know about that.
PLAYBOY: So you're still the highest paid,
then? You have a gleam in your cyes.
ANDERSON: The way 1 look at it, a good
manager never compares what he’s makin’
against what another guy's makin’.
PLAYBOY: You just signed a new two-year
contract with the Tigers. Did you first try
to find out what your peers were worth?
ANDERSON: Peers—ain’t that guys to
gether in the bathroom? [Laughs] Nab. |
really mean this: I make enough. | make
enough to support my wife and kids and
do what I want to do. Pm sure Tommy
Lasorda [manager of the Los Angeles
Dodgers] makes a lot more money than
me. Probably Billy Martin makes more
money than me by not managing the Yan-
kees. I’m just perfectly happy with the sit-
uation I've got. 1 like my job. Still, you
never know in the business from one day to
the next. I'd won the pennant four times in
Cincinnati. When I was fired in 1978, the
team finished second but a good second—
you know what I mean? We weren’t that
many games out of first. I'd given the
organization everything I had, and I got
fired over breakfast after the Cincinnati
general manager, Dick Wagner, flew out
to talk to me about the rebuilding of the
team, He just said, "Our plans don't
include you anymore”—something like
that.

PLAYBOY: How did you feel about that?
ANDERSON: Well, of course I was shocked.
Wagner at least had the guts to fly out to
the West Coast and tell me in person, I
give him that. That was decent. But I
gotta tell you and you gotta print this—
after I was fired, it put a fire in my belly
that burned until I proved "em wrong.
Ever since the day they fired me, I wanted
to prove 'em wrong, and I did, finally. It
took a while, but I did it.

PLAYBOY: Was it a matter of revenge?
ANDERSON: I’ve asked myself that a lot. I
don't think so, because I’m not revenge-
ful—is that a word?

PLAYBOY: lt is now. Did you feel bitter?
That's what we're asking.
ANDERSON: Of course 1 did. But it really
boiled down to provin' again that I know
how to do my job. I was pretty happy
when 1 proved my point last year
PLAYBOY: Back to the money aspect for a
moment. On most teams these days, man-
agers don't make as much money as
their biggest star or, in many cases, even
their bench warmers—the average major-
league-baseball salary is $329,000 a year.
Sports is the only business where the
worker can make more than the boss. How
docs that allect the boss?

ANDERSOI I tell ya how it affects this
boss. I don't care how much a guy makes,
if he don't perform the way I think he
should, he's gonna hear about it from me
His salary is nonc of my business; his

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PLAYBOY

performance is. I really don't pay atten-
tion to any of the stuff about a guy making
a million a year or a billion a year—I
just think about what my job is, and my
job is 10 put the best team on the
field I can, every day. If a player's agent
can prove to the tcam owner that he's
worth a million, that's fine by me. But
when he puts on that uniform, he has to
prove to me that he can play the game.
"That's all. I don't get no pressure from my
boss to play a guy just because he's makin’
alot of money-

PLAYBOY: Whercas the Yankees’ George
Steinbrenner has becn known to call down
to thc dugout and say,
aire in the game, now!
ANDERSON: Yeah, l've read about that in
the papers. I'd quit in a minute if that ever
happened to me. It never would happen to
me with the ers. 1 wasn't hired to be
the team's accountant.

PLAYBOY: The Tigers were sold in 1983 to
"Tom Monaghan, the founder of the Domi-
no's Pizza operation, for $55,000,000—
the highest price ever paid for any sports
franchise. In an unprecedented. move,
Monaghan offered to let you buy some
stock in the team, which makes you
the first manager since Connie Mack, the
legendary owner-manager of the old Phil-
adelphia A's, to have a piece of the rock.
ANDERSON: Rock? [Laughs] Rocks break
down into sand, right? What I own is a
pocketful of sand. But I do got some sand

Put this million-

and a pocket to pul it in. It was a great
expression of the огра
when Tom Monaghan let me buy in, and
no owner ever did that before. That feels
pretty good to an old South Dakota boy
who spent so much of his baseball lifc
cramped on a team bus by day and shar-
n’ a crummy motel room at night with
the world's loudest-snorin’ third baseman
PLAYBOY: You're referring to the time you
spent in the minor leagues.
ANDERSON: Yeah—minor towns, minor
food, minor bus drivers, minor everything.
Room service was the peanut-butter sand-
wich your wife packed up for you the night
before you went on a two-weck road trip to
Montana. I ain't bitchin’ about it, you
gotta understand —really, 1 hope it don't
sound that way. It’s just that most base-
ball fans don't understand how hard itwas
in the old d ‘once you made the major
leagues, your meal allowance let you move
up from peanut butter to hamburgers,
maybe a steak once in a while.
PLAYBOY: You've been marricd to your high
school sweetheart, Carol, since you started
out in baseball as a teenager, and you've
brought up three kids together. Isn't basc-
ball rough on the family?
ANDERSON: You sure arc right, and that's
somethin’ that never gets talked about
You know, I look back on it and I really
don't know how we did it. I sure don't
know how Carol it. Um a real lucky
.—it's unbelievable. I have a wife who
just unreal. You know, all the press this

year about mc—first manager to win it all
in both leagues, first manager to win 100
games in both leagues. I'll say this, the
main reason I'm lucky is that Carol put up
with me and baseball life. She basically
had to raise the children by herself and уе
still be there with me y
don't care who we are, we have our ups
and downs. When you have a woman who,
when you're down, she's right there to
listen—well, ГЇ just say that my best
friend is my wife, I know that whatever
happens, she won't run south on me. Hell
or high water, she's gonna be there

So many baseball pcople have their
marriages break up—two, three, four
times. I truly believe that ifa man and a
woman aren't the best of friends first, then
there ain't much chance.
PLAYBOY: Shaky moments?
ANDERSON: We got married in 1953, when
we were both 19 ycars old. That first ycar,
we'd go through weeks when we hardly
spoke to cach other because of my sched-
ule. When I look back and try to put
everything together, I get scared. | never
dreamed after I was in high school that
I wouldn't play baseball—never even
dreamed about it. Education, to be honest
with ya, wasn't my cup of tea. Fm just not
an educated person. Not book educated.
Гуе never read a book, for instance.
PLAYBOY: Not even the two you wrote with
sportswriters, both of which became huge
regional best sellers?

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ANDERSON: 1 read ‘em before they came
out, but they weren't books then. I’m just
in' that so often, not being a book-
real hard on ya. Espe-
cially when you're younger—don't think
it’s not. Like, when I was in a room with
lawyers or doctors, I knew they have to
have eight to 12 years of education. I'll tell
ya this, when I first got into higher
baseball—in lower baseball it really
didn't matter—1 would sit and watch at a
lunch or dinner or somethin’ and try to fig-
ure out which fork and knife you used first;
hell, I didn't know what to do, except to
look at what everybody else did. When
you're raised the way 1 was—l'm not
cryin' poverty, but you just sit down at the
table and aim for the plauter. The first gets
what he's gonna get.

ГП never forget the time 1 was hired in
incinnati and 1 was supposed to give a
speech, and Га never given a speech in my
hfe—ıhis was in 770, before I'd ever man-
aged a major-league game in my life, and
this will sound crazy to you, but the т.с.
got up at the microphone and said,
want to introduce every on the dais,”
and I said to myself, “Dais? I thought this
was the head table. me way with
spelling—I still can't spell for nothin’,
although Гус got a little better over the
years. | still feel bad about it; but as you
get older, you learn that all the lawyers
and doctors and writers—well, you can't
do what they can do, but (hey can't do

what you can do.

TI tell ya, 1 sure don't know what else 1
would have done. Only thing I can think of
is, | would have worked in the factory or
become a house painter, like my daddy. So
when people ask me why I got into
bascball—well, my God, baseball gave me
everything. Everything. 1 don't know if.
baseball decided me or if I decided base-
ball. 1 wonder all the time, How did it
happen? | just never dreamed that I
wouldn't always have baseball, startin’ out
rst year, when I was with
ra in the California S
Pd signed with the Brool

espia y
Dodgers. When I look back, I just thir
for some reason, you're picked out. I don't

know why. Like I don't know why I was
the first manager to win in both leagues,
not just the pennant but the world series
PLAYBOY. ou put it before, you inher-
s with the Reds. With the
gers, you had to build a team. Did you
get pretty much free rein to do that?
ANDERSON: 1 wouldn't go that far, but the
s pretty much never hardly said no to
But I'm one of those guys who can
never get enough—when I get somethin’,
T want somethin’ more. Keep in mind that
1 also inherited a lot of talent when I took
over the Tigers—guys who were babies
then but guys who had tons of potential
r is the best second baseman
Parrish is the best

PLAYBOY: Those are the
inherited, and under you the babies
became stars. But you also inherited a
team stacked with a lot of deadwood.
Since the advent of free agency, the Tigers
have had a notoriously stingy attitude
about dipping into the free-agent draft.
Did that bother you when you signed?
ANDERSON: Not at all, because Гус alw.
felt the key to a winning club was a su
cessful farm system, and I knew the Tigers
have always put a lot of emphasis on their
farm system. | don't think the kind of
quick-fix approach is a real way to build a
team. Look at Gene Autry and all the
money he's spent on the Angels by goin’
into the free-agent draft so heavy. It hasn't
really paid off for him, has it? All the mil-
lions he's spent got him one division title a
s back. I never thought the
about free agency, just
The club spent a lot of money last
year to sign Darrel Evans when he became
a free agent from ıhe San Francisco
Giants. And the chemistry was right.

See, Pm a little different, I think, in my
belief from most managers. Most manag-
ers think winning creates chemistry. 1
think chemistry creat ng—that the
way the guys you have work together
makes you, as a manager, a winner.
PLAYBOY: Leo Durocher's famous quote is
“Nice guys
ANDERSON: And he's right, if all they are is
nice guys. But if they have rcal talent and

"babies" you

PLAYBOY

they get along together, they will win
"That's the chemistry Pm talkin’ about—
the gettin’ along together.

PLAYBOY: Meaning?

ANDERSON: They don’t go and hide from
cach other when things get goin’ tough.
They'll win together and they'll lose
together, but they'll stay together.
PLAYBOY: Isn't that a fairy-tale concept
these days? The great teams of the past
would stay together for years because the
players were at the mercy of the owners.
Isn't it tougher when your star center
fielder can become a free agent and leave
you for grecner pastures?

ANDERSON: There's no doubt about it, the
game has changed forever in that respect.
"The players have so much more control
than when I grew up in baseball.
PLAYBOY: Is that bad?

ANDERSON: Certainly not from the stand-
point of a player. You'd have to be stupid
not to get everything you could get, and
free agency left the barn door wide-open.
in’ at it from the standpoint of
a manager—its hard enough to put
together a team ofwinners, and you have a
lot less control now. And you're right—it
makes it a lot harder to keep up a team
spirit once you got a player leavin’. ГИ tell
ya what keeps up my spirit, though—the
fans. We had great fans in Cincinnati, but
I've never seen fans like we got in Detroit.
Sure, they get rowdy at times and overdo
it, but Detroit fans just love baseball so
much. When I first went there, in June of
‘79, 1 couldn't believe it. The Tigers were
in fifth place at the time, and I couldn't
believe how much daily attention. they
were getting. Га just come from a place
where 1 got fired for finishing second. One
of the first things I told my team was,
“Man, do you know how lucky you are?
Where I come from, they lynch fifth-place
teams!” Another thing about Detroit—the
fans never boo their players. They do boo
their managers, though, somethin’ I
learned right away. Mv first couple of
years, I used to take my hat off, put it
above the dugout and just test the temper-
ature out there before I decided if I could
go to the mound to change pitchers. The
natives werc pretty restless.

PLAYBOY: Was it hard to take that heat?
ANDERSON: Not really. Гус always looked
at it this way: As the manager, you repre-
sent to the fans the essence of the team. If
you win, they love you, and if you lose, it
ain't a question of they hate you—they
don't even know you—but you represent
what they don't like: a loser. Tm real pop-
ular after last year, but I know this—by
the time this Interview comes out, if the
Tigers ain't doin' as well as we were do
last year, I'm gonna be the biggest bum in
town. The fans be on me. But that’s the
way they are. And it's part of the job. At
least I feel pretty secure in my job with
Detroit.

PLAYBOY: Your boss, Jim Campbell, would
probably agrec. By the way, he told us that
it’s not uncommon for you to charge up to

Tm loo!

his office when you're on a losing streak
and propose dozens of ideas about trades
that could turn everything around; he said
he puts them into his “walking-cagle file.”
What is a walking cagle?

A bird so full of shit he can't
fly. Sometimes I get so frustrated when
I'm losin’ that I want to change things
and by the time tomorrow
e got another whole new idea.

comes, T^
And then, if we lose again, tomorrow I got
another new idea. Just my way of spoutin"
off, 1 guess, because I hate to lose so much.
PLAYBOY: Once you've won it all in one
year, is there even more pressure the fol-

lowing year?

ANDERSON: Oh, man, you gotta work so
much harder after you win—T try to look
at our success from the viewpoint of all the
tcams we beat, because I got plenty of
experience being a loser, and when you're
in the losin’ dugout and watch the team
enjoy the whole year the way the Tigers
did this year, watchin’ everything go won-
derful for the other side—hey, you're not
too happy about it. And I know that
unhappiness kinda simmers in the off sea-
son. Plus, a manager has the problem of
dealin’ with players who're satisfied to
only win once—they got their world-series
ng, they proved something.

PLAYBOY: How do you help the players deal
with that kind of pressure?

ANDERSON: I know how tough it is to go
out and compete every day. And I feel so
much for my players and I hate to see any
player go through a rough time—and 1 try
to tell him when he és goin’ through a
rough time, “Nobody's gonna shoot you
All they can do is boo at you and yell at
you." I was talkin’ about it before—fans
don't realize that when you have to per-
form in 162 games a vear, with thc
travelin' and all the things you have to do,
it’s just the toughest sport there is. You
don't have the hitting you have in football,
you don't have the physical contact you
have in basketball or hockey; what you
have is a mental thing that involves more
traveling than any other sport, morc
games by far than any other sport. Includ-
ing spring training, you're gonna play
almost 200 ball games. People just have no
idea how hard it is. It's hard enough when
you're winning; when you're 15 games
below .500, man, it's murder. Even when
you're ing as good as we did this ycar,
you're always gonna have a couple of guys
with a burr up thcir ass.

PLAYBOY: That happened to you last year,
when your star starting pitcher, Jack Mor-
ris, after pitching a no-hitter in April and
by May sceming so unbeatable that all the
writers were predicting he'd win 30 games,
went into a prolonged tail spin and got
pouty with the press, as if the w
making him lose. He wouldn't g
views after the games he pitched and
ANDERSON: Well, we've all done it
PLAYBOY: You? The guy who's never at a
loss for words for the press?

ANDERSON: Yeah, even me. I swore once

Га never talk to you guys again, too.
Lasted over a day. [Laughs] Players
express their frustrations in different ways.
Some guys show their emotions different
than other guys. I remember when 1 was
managin' the Reds, I was in my office
and—I won't name the two players, but a
guy came runnin' in and told me,
"They're at it.”
PLAYBOY: It's all over now—who are we
talking about?
ANDERSON: All I'm gonna say is that one
was a starting pitcher, one a guy who
played every day. I ran out and they were
swinging at cach other, havin’ a fisticuff.
PLAYBOY: You stopped it?
ANDERSON: | had to. I separated "em, sent
опе into the trainer's room and cooled ‘em
down so's I could talk to ‘ет and find out
what was goin' on. It got settled. Again,
what you gotta understand about tcam
sports, there's no way for people to live
together as long as you do when you're
playin’ the game and not have some flare-
ups, even between guys who like each other.
PLAYBOY: Unlike many managers, vou're
not a believer in team mectings, are you?
ANDERSON: Very few, very rarely. Every
now and then, you have to. I do it when
things are gettin’ a little nonchalant, when
there's not enough intensity. You have to
remind "em that they can't just throw their
glove out on the field and expect to win,
that you gotta go out there and go after
people. I usually make it very quick and
just say it ain't gonna go on and let's end it
immediately or ГЇЇ do such and such,
PLAYBOY: What kind of such and such?
ANDERSON: Dollars. Fines. l'm not a big
one for rules no more, but you still have to
lay the law down sometimes. If onc guy
can be late for practice, it means the 24
other guys can be late. If that happens,
you ain't a team no morc. But pleasc print
this—the 1984 Tigers were a team in the
truest sense of the word.
PLAYBOY: On the subject of fines, isn't it
meaningless to fine a player $1000 when
he's making 500 times that much?
ANDERSON: Again, I don't care what his
pay check is. It may not hurt him
wallet the way it used to, but he's hearin’
from me that he ain't performing the way I
expect him to. 1 think it still sinks in the
way it used to. Players never wanna be in
the manager's doghousc. Could mean they
don't get played. That could hurt their
wallet in next year's negotiations.
PLAYBOY: Earlier, you mentioned how
upset you get when you've lost a few
games. Why does it get to you so much?
ANDERSON: Losin’ is lousy. It really affe
me. It affects my family, too. Even
just a minor slump—two or three losing
games in a row—the way my mind works,
I just think PU never win another game. 1
know I should know better, but I got this
disease called bascball and that's all I ever
think about, except for my family. [t's war,
it really is, and my job is to the war.
When my kids lived at home, there'd be
(continued on page 126)

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ET'S SAY you go to the
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plaining of the snif-
fles and he gives you
a pill. Let's say it's
the wrong pill—there's been some
mistake—and it doesn't cure you at all.
Let's say it's an experimental pill and it
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Let's say you work for Bank Опе in
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become convinced that a member of the
executive board of directors of Bank One,
Mr. John R. Parsons, does not exist.

You've never seen him, so how do you
know he exists? True, you've seen his cor-
respondence, but perhaps there are little
mechanical people with feelers who actu-
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And while you're busy haying paranoid
delusions, let's say you get the idea that
your MasterCard is the key to opening up
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cash. Not only that but you've become
conyinced that people are asking your
neighbors questions about you, filing re-
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То top it off, let's say you also imagine that
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As you walk down the street, you
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article

By LAURENCE GONZALES

when you least expect it, you may

find that you have an electronic

alter ego with belter—or worse—
credit than your own

Step you take from birth to death

And that’s only the first day.

The alarming thing about this experi-
mental drug is that, in all likelihood, it
would not make you paranoid enough for
your own good. To illustrate, let me tell
you about an experience 1 had recently: A
letter arrived at my house from Bank One
in Columbus, Ohio. It was addressed to
Laurence Lorence, someone who does not
exist, and signed JOHN R. PARSONS, BANK CARD
DIVISION MANACER

“Tm inviting you," Mr. Parsons wrote,
“to . . . enjoy the credit card for a new age
in shopping: the MasterCard INSIDERS”
CARD.... Not long ago I decided 1
was through with wa lines. ... As
a banker, Pd learned enough about com-
puters to know that ifa computer link were
made between the consumer and
the wholesaler directly, shopping could be
quicker, easier and much less expensive."
Mr. Parsons’ offer joined MasterCard with
Comp-U-Card for instant electronic shop-
ping, as well as the usual line of
MasterCard credit.

I called Bank One and asked to speak
with John R. Parsons. A customer-service
representative said, "He's a member of
our executive staff. He doesn't take calls."

I pressed the matter. My representative
put her supervisor on the line. He said,
“I'm sorry. Mr. Parsons is on our execu-
tive board, and he doesn't take calls."

1 left my name and number. I wanted to
talk computers with Mr. Parsons, seeing
as how he knew so much about them. He
was, after all, proposing to link me via his
computer to Comp-U-Card.

A little while later, a Bank One execu-
tive named Mike Van Buskirk called back.
He was very polite, very low-key

“Who's John R. Parsons?" I asked.

“Uh, mm, he’s a, um. . .."

I was beginning to feel as though I were
trapped inside a rerun of Three Days of the
Condor

Is there a real Mr. Parsons?" I asked.
Jh, actually, no, there's not."

“He's a ficti in other words.”

"Well, hes a name generic to the
product.”

We had a nice chat, Van Buskirk and I.
He explained to me that there was enough
credit information on Laurence Lorence
for Bank One to feel secure in granting
him the $1000-credit-limit MasterCard
without checking any further than to ver-
ify the fact that the address was correct

When we hung up, | immediately called
the Bank One customer-service number to
ask for Mr. Parsons again. I knew I
needed two sources. | didn't want Mr.
Parsons to sue me for saying he didn't
exist. And if he did not exist, then I felt it
would only be fair if 1 opened a
MasterCard account at Bank One in the
name of Laurence Lorence and started
dining out pronto. For how could some-
one who did not exist defraud someone
else who did not exist? (Of course, Lau-
rence Lorence would not take phone calls
when the bills came. How could he? He

t.)
speaking; may 1 have your
account number?"

“Td just like to speak with John R. Par-
sons," I said

"He's just a member of our executive

_ The Secret Life of Laurence Lorence

ILUSTRATION BY JERRY MC DONALD

PLAYBOY

board here, and he's not available to be
spoken with now."

“So Mr. Parsons is a member of your
executive board?”

“Yes.”

“Have you seen him?”

“No, I haven't scen him,” the Bank One
representative said.

“Then how do you know who he is?”

“We do get correspondence from him on
a fairly regular basis.”

“Do you really believe he's a real per-
son?”

“Yes, I do.”

“Do your superiors tell you he's a real
person?”

“No, they don't tell us he's a real per-
son; I just know he's a real person. I get
correspondence from him all the time.”

John Н. Fullmer is senior vice-president
of marketing for Comp-U-Card. I called
him the next day. “Who’s John R. Par-
sons?" I asked.

Fullmer stammered for a moment
before his voice got in gear. "The posi-
tion,” he said, “is that one of us. . . .” He
paused, then began again. “Pm a little
reluctant to, ah... many things we do,
uh . . . this isa very proprietary thing, and
many people compete with us, and a lot of
that is privileged information."

I read him excerpts from Mr. Parsons"
letter. “Is hea computer expert?" I asked.
"He is a banker, isn't he? It says here he's
a banker."

“Pm a little reluctant to comment. 1
don't think we need to get into individuals.
I really would rather not comment on
John R. Parsons."

“Does Mr. Parsons exist?" I asked.

Fullmer cut me off and a woman came
on the line, “John just got an overscas
call,” she said.

I said I could hold. I could hold for a
very long time if necessary. Months.

Fullmer sounded different when he
came back on the line.

“Did a specific person write that let-
ter?" I asked.

"No," he said. He had become low-key.
“John R. Parsons is a name that is used in
cur mailing that represents our bank. John
R. Parsons is not a person." In defending
the practice, he asked, "Who the hell is
Betty Crocker? She never existed.”

Does John R. Parsons make cakes? No,
but he does pry into your financial affairs
without asking permission.

I told Fullmer that Toni had said that
Mr. Parsons—this computer expert/
banker who knows so much about Lau-
тепсе Lorence—was a member of the
executive board of Bank One.

Fullmer seemed surprised. “You know,”
he said, “maybe he does exist. Га better
call you back, because, you know, when
we came up with that name . . . I mean, I
don't know that he doesn't exist. I'll have
to call you back. I’m going to find out if he
does exist or not.”

I never heard from Fullmer again.
б

That experience raises a number of
intriguing questions. For example, just
what are we supposed to believe from
these companies that would fudge on a
matter so fundamental as to who does and
does not exist? And where did Bank One
get so much information on Laurence
Lorence it was willing to grant him $1000
credit? Mr. Parsons wrote to Laurence
Lorence, “Because of your excellent credit
rating, you start with an instant credit line
already reserved in your name."

Here's how it works. Bank Опе wants to
geta high rate of return on the solicitations
it mails, so it goes to a credit-reporting
company. А creditreporting company
keeps records on money you borrow,
where you use credit cards, what you buy
and how promptly you pay your bills.
That record may also show transactions
that never took place, accounts that don't
exist (or people who don't exist), or it may
omit important information that could
help you get the credit you need. I tried to
borrow money from a banka few ycars ago
and was told that my credit rating was bad
because of a delinquent Diners Club
account. I found that curious, because I
hadn't had a Diners Club card for a num-
ber of years. On the other hand, my file
failed to point out that I'd been paying
(promptly) on my home mortgage for
almost half the life of the loan. The quality
of information stored on me is fairly typi-
cal: about half baked. Privacy Journal in
Washington, D.C., oflers a reward to any-
one who finds his own credit-bureau file to
be 100 percent error-free. As of this writ-
ing, no one has collected

Nevertheless, Bank One told Trans
Union Credit of Chicago that it wanted a
list of people whose credit files showed
them to have the qualities usually associ-
ated with paying their bills, people likely
to stand good for a kilobuck of credit.
Trans Union screened all its files, and in
the wink of an eye, enough names popped
out to choke a triceratops. That's how
Bank One came up with Laurence
Lorence. Although Lorence happens to be
my wife's last name, Trans Union was
unable to explain how the computer had
put it together with my first name.

Question: Is that the only mistake Trans
Union ever made?

Question: Do other creditreporting
companies make mistakes, too?

Take TRW Information Systems, a
giant conglomerate that has the nation's
largest credit-reporting computer system.
Apart from the Census Burcau's and the
National Security Agency's, TRW's infor-
mation bank is reputed to be the largest in
the world.

'TRW—in addition to Trans Union and
others—supplies mailing labels to Bank
One of Columbus, Ohio, and every other
bank that solicits membership for VISA

and MasterCard with а preapproved
credit limit.

You may remember sceing a newspaper
item last summer about computer hobby-
ists who cracked TRW’s codes, gaining
access to vast stores of confidential files,
yours and mine znd John R. Parson:
TRW insists that its files are about as
likely to be stolen as the Tower of London.
The company called the theft of its pass-
word "a minor problem, comparable to
having someone steal the keys to your car
but not your car itself."

On the other hand, even if no unauthor-
ized passwords are floating around, there
are still 24,000 retailers that can get any of
TRW’s 90,000,000 files almost instantanc-
ously. The reason for all this interest in
your whereabouts, of course, is not so that
little mechanical people with feelers can
watch you. The store simply wants your
name because you have purchasing power.
You're a valuable addition to a mailing
list. Hardware stores, ice-cream parlors,
beauty salons, book and record stores—
there's hardly a retailer today that hasn't
some sort of mailing list. In fact, you may
remember seeing another little news item
last summer. This one was about an icc-
cream-parlor chain that offered ree ice
cream to kids on their birthdays. All the
kids had to do was fill out a form—name,
address, date of birth. It seems that this
list was eventually sold to an East Coast
list broker who, in turn, sold it to the
Selective Service, which wrote to the kids
when they turned 18, asking, "Have you
registered for the draft lately?"

How did the kids find out where the
Selective Service got the list?

They had used fake names.

Those kids had something on the ball: If
you want to keep track of yourself as your
life history goes zinging merrily through
the computers of this world, always use a
different middle initial when you fill out
forms. It’s not illegal. (So, OK, use your
real name when vou sign a binding con-
tract) Then, when you get junk mail or
when your life insurance is suddenly can-
celed, you'll have a better idea of where
the trouble began

And if you are like most of us, the trou-
ble began a long time ago. For the fact is,
someone has been following you all your
life—a phantom version of yourself, repre-
sented by the trail of files you leave behind
as you go through the documentation proc-
esses associated with being born, going to
school, getting a driver's license or a job or
buving almost anything. There are an
average of 18 government files on every
man, woman and child in the United
States, and that doesn't include private
files, such as the ones that provide a steady
stream of junk mail to a fellow I know who
doesn't exist. Yes, there is a phantom self
following you, and there's no way to shake
him. He's there for life, And beyond. I

(continued on page 120)

"You're one of the world's great vibratos, Enrico!”

PRIZE

PULITZER

palm beach was never—well, hardly ever—like this, but
the accusations in roxanne pulitzer's sensational divorce made it
sound that way. the lady in the case shows us why

HE divorce trial was lurid, and
when it was over in November
1982, the greatest name in Ameri-

can journalism— Pulitzer—had been pub-
licly defamed in a welter of allegations that
ran from incest and homosexuality to
adultery, black magic, drug smuggling,
drug abuse and threats of murder.

At issue was the inherited fortune of
year-old Herbert “Pete” Pulitzer of Palm
Beach and the custody of 'ear-old
twin boys from his marriage to Roxanne, a
3l-year-old former cheerleader from a
small town in New York State.

Judgment came a month after the trial
at the Palm Beach County Courthouse.
Roxanne had asked for custody of the
twins, alimony and child support in excess
of $12,000 a month but the December
1982 judgment awarded primary custody
to the father and gave Roxanne $2000 a
month alimony for two years, plus the
Porsche she had received from Herbert in
1978 and a jewelry collec valued
around $60,000.

In dismissing her claims, which he
described as exorbitant, the judge said
that Roxanne was a young and attractive
woman who should build a new life. He
said her demands reminded
the country-music lyric “She got the gold
mine, I got the sl

In October 1984, Ros
extended alimony was
ida Supreme Court
shed when the U.S. Supreme Court
refused to hear the case. Several months
carlier, she had decided to pose for BOY
and to tell her side of the story. At her final
interview with our reporter, Reg Potterton,
she was still fighting for more frequent vis-
i with the twins, Mac and Zac; the
a court had limited her to approxi-
mately four days a month.

‘Although Roxanne remains free-spirited
in both her pictorial (she loved the idea of
lampooning the more scandalous hcad-
lines of the trial) and her interview, read-
ers will have to ponder for themselves the
two lingering questions about the Pulitzer

nne’s request for
jected by the
id her last hopes

him of

trial: Who really got the shaft and why?
.

The trial ended two years ago. Why did you
wait so long to tell your side of the story?

Apart from legal considerations—gag
orders and so forth—I knew I too
close to the case to be objective about it in
public. I was very angry and confused—I
couldn't understand why people had lied
оп the stand, as so many of them had, why
old friends had testified against me and
why matters that should have been private
between Herbert and me had been twisted
and used against Now I can under-
stand why people behaved the way they
did—they had marriages to protect, chil-
dren and careers to think about. And I
was no bed of roses. You at PLAYBOY pub-
lished an article that was funny [The Pul-
itzers of Palm Beach, June 1983], but even
you pointed out that the public saw me as
“a combination of nympho dyke, cocaine
slut and black-magic voodoo queen.”

We also said that those allegations turned
out to be unproved, like most of the others in.
the trial —headlines without stories.

PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD FEGLEY

Which is exactly what they werc. Com-
plete bullshit from start to finish. Herbert
wanted the divorce, and he wanted to win.
For him, it was a war, and you know w
they say about warfare: Truth is always the
first casualty.

Could you give an example?

Herbert and I had dinner after the
trial—a long time after—and I tried to get
him to answer thc one question about my
alleged lesbianism that had most clearly
hurt my case. A former employee of his
testified that he saw me in a negligee on a
bed in our house in the middle of the day
with my closest friend, Jackie Kimberly.
He said Jackie was nake g down. |
was dying to get an answer about this from
Herbert, and at dinner I couldn't let go of
the question. Did the man make that statc-
ment because I'd once reported him for
questionable activities in the Bahamas’
Had someone gotten to him? Why did he
say that? I mean, God, it just about fin-
ished me off in court. And Herbert just
looked me right in the eye and said, “This
is where you're hurting yourself, Rox. The
trial's over, the trial was a war, and you
lost.” And I said that wasn't fair— tli
accusation was an outright lie and he kne
it—and he said, “War isn’t fair. When I
go to war I go to win, and 1 do whatever I
have to do to make sure I win."

Мете surprised lo hear that you had dinner
with him afier everything you threw at each
other in court.

Why not? We were sle together
before and after we went to trial. We were
going to bed up until last summer. We
probably still would be if I hadn't filed an
appeal for an extension of alimony and
more frequent visitation. As soon as I did
that, he yanked the kids and got hos! A
cynic might think he'd resumed our sexual
relationship to keep me from filing, but ГЇЇ

15 that the brass section of the New York Phil-
harmonic? Or the Palm Beach Girl Scout
‘Marching Band? Why am | holding a clarinet? ls
it because they soid at the trial | slept with a
trumpet? Well. they said a lot of things. But
what do they know? Let them eat crackers.

reserve judgment.

Did the lawyers know you were seeing cach
other?

They probably guessed. They werc
always ringing him up and warning him to
keep away from me, but we'd leap into bed
anyway. It was like old times. We had this
running joke between us. He'd ask me,
“What do you say toa little fuck?" and I'd
say, “Hi, little fuck,” and off we'd troop to
the bedroom.

What about the cocaine abuse—was that
bullshit, too?

Not entirely, but it was never on the
scale that was suggested. At the peak of
our use—and the peak lasted about two
weeks—he and I did it maybe three times
a week, maybe four. I don’t believe that
made me an addict, though the lawyers
suggested I couldn't get enough of the
damned stuff.

Anyone who thinks I'm advocoting cocoine
needs his sense of humor exomined. This is a

plug for o fine outomobile, ond here we ore in-
side, hurrying home to Polm Beach ond Herbert
with а limolood of some of our favorite things.
This is how I usually dress while shopping or
riding oround town. Doesn't everybody?

Damned?

Cursed, I should say. It’s a truly terrible
drug. At the time, you think it’s wonderful;
it gives you such confidence, such
strength. But it's just a delusion. Cocaine
was the catalyst for us; it made us do and
say things we'd ncver have contemplated
otherwise. Very scary. I think, My God,
look at all the destruction it caused; look
at what it did to us. But it was almost
impossible to avoid cocaine in Palm
Beach; it was everywhere—in clubs, res-
taurants, people's homes. People used it
openly; there was no secret abour it. You'd
scc them chopping up their lines and
spooning it out of bottles. You felt ostra-
cized if you didn't join in.

Palm Beach panicked when the case
started. (texi continued on page 144)

Hi, there! You're probably wondering about the Kleenex ot left. I's o private jake—-abaut a friend of Herbert's who is mar-
ried ta а good friend of mine. You'll meet them in the accomponying text. You soy there's a women in my bed? Oh,
that wamon. Above: Yes, well, it sometimes got o bit baring at those stuffy Palm Beach dinners. Below: French baker,
racing driver, OK; but who ore oll these other people—and why don't we have proper champagne glosses?

r 7 чт

AJ N т
LA B
T NE

SYMIBIONI

“û hate you, chollie. you didn't
come through—
and пош vll pay forever”

TEN YEARS LATER, when I was long out of the
Service and working the turnaround wheel
at Betelgeuse Station, Fazio still haunted
me. Not that he was dead. Other people
get haunted by dead men; I was haunted
by a live one. It would have been a lot bet-
ter for both of us if he had been dead; but
as far as I knew, Fazio was still alive.

He’d been haunting me a long while.
Three or four times a ycar, his little dry,
thin voice would come out of nowhere and
I'd hear him telling me again, “Before we
go into that jungle, we got to come to an
understanding. If a synsym nails me,
Chollie, you kill me right away, hear?
None of this shit of calling in the paramed-
ics to clean me out. You just kill me right
away. And T'I] do the same for you. Is that
a deal?

"This was on a planet called Weinstein in
the Servadac system, late in the Second
Ovoid War. We were 20 years old and we
were volunteers: two dumb kids playing
hero. *You bet your ass" is what I told
him, not hesitating a second. “Deal. Abso-
lutely." Then I gave him a big grin and a
hand clasp and we headed off together on
spore-spreading duty.

At the time, I really thought I meant it.
Sometimes I still believe that I did

Ten years. I could still see the two of us
back there on Weinstein, going out to dis-
tribute latchenango spores in the enemy-
held zone. The planet had been grabbed
by the Ovoids early in the war, but we
were starting to drive them back from that
whole system. Fazio and 1 were the entire
patrol: You get spread pretty thin in galac-
tic warfare. But (continued on page 96)

fiction
By ROBERT
SILVERBERG

ILLUSTRATION BY ISADDRE SELTZER

POOL HUSTLING

bikinis, jams and trunks in which you can take the plunge

fashion BY HOLLIS WAYNE

summer, then you certainly don't want to put your hard-won muscles into a funky, faded pair of
swim trunks. Wise up. Better packaging produces better sales. Why should something soft and
slinky at the pool talk with a guy whose swim trunks look like Munster, Indiana, when she can talk
with a guy who's wearing the entire state of Hawaii on his tush? This summer, prints are happening.
There are knee-top jams and boxers, too. Bikinis abound. The water's fine. Go for it, sport!

| YOU. LIKE Us, do a little extra in the spring to get the abdominals ready for public display in the

Men's swimwear styles this summer are up for grabs, with laoks ranging from bikinis ta bold and baggy jams.
At left is the latter—a poir of beach-hut-print all-catton jams, $37, worn over (yau'll have ta take cur word
for it) o matching nylan/Lycra bikini, $19, bath by Gottex Mens. Above: The kiss of the iskands—catton
postcord-print swim trunks, $35, ond a matching terry-lined kimono, $115, bath by Palo/Ralph Lauren.

PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD IZUI

moment ogo, he was wearing
wide-striped all-cotton trunks,
by Occhi Mare Sport, $35.

essential—a nylon-and-Lycra
plaid bikini, by Jantzen, $18.

Right: Bo Derok, eat your
heart ovt! A spandex/nylon
bikini with a graphic yellow
“ı0” printed on the front, $30,
and its colorful counter-

hooded cotton-terry-
loth beach robe, about $110,
both by Zeto Zukki of Italy.

PLAYBOY

ФУМВЮМТ een

“When they got into you, they stayed there, sharing
your body with you indefinitely."

there was plenty of support force behind
us in the hills.

Weinstein was strategically important;
God only knows why. Two small
continents—both tropical, mostly thick
jungle, air like green soup—surrounded
by an enormous turbulent ocean: never
colonized by Earth and of no use that any-
one had ever successfully explained to me.
But the place had once been ours and they
had taken it away, and we wanted it back.

The way you got a planet back was by
catching a dozen or so Ovoids, filling them
full of latchenango spores and letting them
return to their base. There is no life form a
latchenango likes better as its host than an
Ovoid. The Ovoids, being Ovoids, would
usually conceal what had happened to
them from their pals, who would kill them
instantly if they knew they were carrying
deadly parasites. Of course, the carriers
were going to die anyway—latchenango
infestation is invariably fatal to Ovoids—
but by the time they did, in about six stand-
ard weeks, the latchenangos had gone
through three or four reproductive cycles
and the entire army would be infested. All
we needed to do was wait until all the
Ovoids were dead and then go in, clean
the place up and raise the flag again. The
latchenangos were generally dead, too, by
then, since they rarely could find other
suitable hosts. But even if they weren't, we
didn't worry about it. Latchenangos don't
cause any serious problems for humans.
About the worst of it is that you usually
inhale some spores while you're handling
them, and it irritates your lungs for a cou-
ple of weeks, so you do some pretty ugly
coughing until you're desporified.

In return for our latchenangos, the
Ovoids gave us synsyms.

Synsyms were the first things you heard
about when you arrived in the war zone,
and what you heard was horrendous. You
didn't know how much of it was myth and
how much was merc bullshit and how
much was truth; but cven if you dis-
counted 75 percent of it, the rest was scary
enough. “If you get hit by one,” the old
hands advised us, “kill yourself fast, while
you have the chance." Roving synsym vec-
tors cruised the perimeter of every Ovoid
camp, sniffing for humans. They were not
parasites but synthetic symbionts: When
they got into you, they stayed there, shar-
ing your body with you indefinitely.

In school, they teach you that symbiosis
is a mutually beneficial state. Maybe so.
But the word that passed through the
ranks in the war zone was that it definitely
did not improve the quality of your life to

take a synsym into your body. And
although the Service medics would spare
no effort to sec that you survived a synsym
attack—they aren't allowed to perform
mercy killings, and wouldn't anyway—
everything we heard indicated that you
didn't really want to survive one.

The day Fazio and I entered the jungle
was like all the others on Weinstein: dank,
humid, rainy. We strapped on our spore
tanks and started out, using hand-held
heat piles to burn our way through the
curtains of tangled vines. The wet, spongy
soil had a purplish tinge, and the lakes
were iridescent green from lightning
algae.

“Here's where we'll put the hotel land-
ing strip," Fazio said lightly. “Over here,
the pool and cabanas. The gravity-tennis
courts here, and on the far side of
that”

“Watch it,” I said and skewered a low-
fying wingfinger with a beam of hot pur-
ple light. It fell in ashes at our feet.
Another one came by, the mate, traveling
at сус level, with its razor-sharp beak
aimed at my throat, but Fazio took it out
just as neatly. We thanked each other.
Wingfingers are elegant things, all trajec-
tory and hardly any body mass, with
scaly, silvery skins that shine like the finest
grade of moonlight, and it is their habit to
go straight for the jugular in the most lit-
eral sense. We killed 12 that day, and I
hope it is my quota for this lifetime. As we
advanced into the heart of the jungle, we
dealt just as efficiently with assorted hos-
tile coilworms, eyeflies, dingleberries,
leper bats and other disagrecable local
specialties. We were a great team: quick,
smart, good at protecting each other.

We were admiring a giant carnivorous
fungus a klick and a half deep in the woods
when we came upon our first Ovoid. The
fungus was a fleshy, phallic red tower
three meters high with orange gills,
equipped with a dozen dangling whiplike
arms that had green adhesive knobs at the
tips. At the ends of most of the arms hung
small forest creatures in various stages of
digestion. As we watched, an unoccupied
arm rose and shot forth, extended itself to
three times its resting length and by some
ncat homing tropism slapped its adhesive
knob against a passing many-legger about
the size of a cat. The beast had no chance
to struggle; a network of wiry structures
sprouted at once from the killer arm and
slipped into the victim's flesh, and that
was that. We almost applauded.

“Let's plant three of them in the hotel
garden," I said, “and post a schedule of

feeding times. It'll be a great show for the
guests."

“Shh,” Fazio said. He pointed.

Maybe 50 meters away, a solitary Ovoid
was gliding serenely along a forest path,
obviously unaware of us. I caught my
breath. Everyone knows what Ovoids look
like, but this was the first time I had seen a
live one. I was surprised at how beautiful
it was, a tapering cone of firm jelly, pale
blue streaked with red and gold. Triple
rows of short-stalked eyes along its sides
like brass buttons. Clusters of delicate ten-
drils sprouting like cpaulets around the
eating orifice at the top of its head. Tur-
quoise ribbons of neural conduit winding
round and round its equator, surrounding
the dark, heart-shaped brain faintly visible
within the cloudy depths. The enemy. I
was conditioned to hate it, and I did; yet I
couldn't deny its strange beauty.

Fazio smiled and took aim and put a
numb-needle through the Ovoid’s middle
It froze instantly in mid-glide; its color
deepened to a dusky flush; the tiny mouth
tendrils fluttered wildly, but there was no
other motion. We jogged up to it and I
slipped the tip of my spore distributor
about five centimeters into its meaty mid-
dle. “Let him have it!” Fazio yelled. I
pumped a couple of c.c.s of latchenango
spores into the paralyzed alien. Its soft,
quivering flesh turned blue black with fear
and rage and God knows what other emo-
tions that were strictly Ovoid. We nodded
to each other and moved along. Already
the latchenangos were spawning within
their host; in half an hour the Ovoid, able
once more to move, would limp off toward
its camp to start infecting its comrades. It
is a funny way to wage war.

The second Ovoid, an hour later, was
trickier. It knew we had spotted it and
took evasive action, zigzagging through a
zone of streams and slender trees in a
weird, dignificd way, like someone trying
to move very fast without having his hat
blow off. Ovoids are not designed for quick
movements, but this one was agile and
determined, ducking behind this rock and
that. More than once, we lost sight of it
altogether and were afraid it might double
back and come down on us while we stood
gaping and blinking.

Eventually, we bottled it up between
two swift little streams and closed in on it
from both sides. I raised my needler and
Fazio got ready with his spore distributor,
and just then something gray and slipper-
shaped and about 15 centimeters long
came leaping up out of the left-hand
stream and plastered itself over Fazio's
mouth and throat.

Down he went, snuffling and gurgling,
trying desperately to peel it away. I
thought it was some kind of killer fish.
Pausing only long enough to shoot a nee-
dle through the Ovoid, I dropped my gear

(continued on page 165)

"It's raining out here, Marquis de la Roux."

DEVASTATIN' DEVIN

miss devasquez is half spanish,
half cajun and completely captivating

HEN DEVIN RENEÉ DEVASQUEZ first visited Chicago, in September 1983,
people who saw her asked, “Who is that pretty young girl?” Now
they ask, “Who is that beautiful young woman?” We seldom get to
watch a Playmate grow up, but our relationship with Miss June goes back
several years. In 1981, while she was a sophomore majoring in accounting
and marketing at LSU in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, PLAvsov Contributing Pho-
tographer David Chan scouted the campus for our Girls of the Southeastern
Conference feature and Devin decided to apply. What prompted her?
"Funny you should ask," she says with a laugh. “I had given a talk on nudity

“Down South, le tend to s ў t. Pm different. Once
I got out, I mie to ln ERST Tike being Tomine and sexy.”

for my freshman speech class. It was at
7:30 лм; I woke а lot of people up with
that speech. Basically, I view beauty as a
gift, like having a good singing voice or the
ability to dance. When I tried out, I had
never even seen PLAYBOY, but I knew what
it was. A friend and I just wanted to see
who else was trying out. The next thing I
knew, I was in the magazine.” The rest is
the kind ofhistory that happens only down
South. One of the other girls who posed—
fully clothed—was kicked out of her soror-
ity; another was evicted from her building.
As for Devin: “I losta student job with the
state revenue department. I asked the per-
son who fired me, *What does this have to
do with my job? What hypocrites! How
can they buy the magazine, then have the
nerve to criticize?" Devin, of course,
landed on her feet. After all, she'd been
living on her own since she turned 16. “I
never wanted to be taken care of. I have
my own American Express card. I’m a
grown-up person." After the Girls of the
S.E.C. pictorial, Devin reviewed her prior-
ities. "I realized I was trying to do too
much. I had been holding down two jobs
and going to school. I'd come home from
work exhausted, and I was neglecting my
studies. So I decided to go out and make

On the opposite page, Miss June struts
her stuff with. Dejan's Olympia. Brass
Band in New Orleans (top). The chef
of the Olde N'awlins Coohery gives
Devin some pointers on Cajun. cuisine
(near left) and The Wizard of the
Well, a local street character (far left),
offers to grant her a wish (to meet a
handsome prince). At right: Son of a
gun, we'll have some fun on the bayou.

enough money to finish college without having to worry about the rent." She began modeling,
appearing in local TV commercials in Baton Rouge and in showrooms for Danskin in Dallas. In
the fall of 1982, she landed a nonspeaking extra's role in Dixie: Changing Habils, a made-for-TV
movie starring Suzanne Plesheite and Cloris Leachman. One day, she decided to visit Chicago, to
sce if the big city offered more opportunity. She called David Chan, packed her bags and arrived
with S50 in her pocket. "When I showed up, I was paralyzed with a sort of shvness. If people

ہے

“Even though I’ve moved North, I like being a Southern girl. I think the South has a
nice approach to life. I wanted my pictorial to be hot and lazy. Not "Here I am, come and gel
me’ bul rather soft, sexy. I'll always be a sweet little girl. Every woman should have a bit of
the little girl in her. I like men who have a bit of the little boy in them, too. I like just talking
about sex. It is stimulating—not doing anything but building up to il. Feeling the other person
out, talking, being held are all important. The slow unfolding of sex is the fun part."

stared at me, I wouldn't take it as a compli-
ment. I would wonder if I had food hanging
from my mouth." The people, of course, were
staring for a more obvious reason. Devin's
exotic blend of Spanish and Cajun tends to
hook people by the eyeballs. (Her smile, how-
ever, is all-American. “People don’t ask me if I
speak English,” she laughs.) "The attention
was kind of disconcerting. People kept asking
me if I was Jenny on All My Children. Others
thought I looked like Jennifer Beals or a dark
Farrah Fawcett. Guys kept coming up to me
and saying, ‘You look just like Apollonia.”
These days, I just want someone to come up to
me and say, ‘You look like Devin De Vasquez.’ ”
Nowadays, Devin exudes confidence and poise.
She is working for Elite, one of the top agencies
in the world. “I know what I want out of life,”
she says. "You can put me into any situation
and ГЇЇ adjust. I've discovered that what you
give out is what you get back. I've been striving
to be a better model, a beter friend, a better

The press release for 1984’s Chicago Inler-
national Film Festival poster (above) asked.
"Whats black, white, gray and really
steamy? It’s Ken, Devin and Brian bathed in
nothing but mystery,” photographed by Skreb-
neski. The posters aptly called “Triumph.”

106

PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD FEGLEY

"The hardest part about being a
Playmate is keeping things in perspec-
live. I'm 21. I want lo keep growing,
to learn more about myself, my sexual.
ity. I don't want someone to put me on
a pedestal. I don't want to cut myself
off from people who could be friends."

lover, and the results are starting to come
back to me." She tells of a current rela-
tionship. He and she show up at parties
together and exchange looks but not
words, leaving other people to wonder
what's passing between them. Sometimes
she wears his clothes. They save their talk-
ing for late hours, over the phone, from
two to four in the morning, from points
across the country. The rest of the day, she
is strictly business. She rises around 8:30,
exercises and showers, then calls the mod-
eling agency to check in. She spends the
day visiting photographers or working on
assignments. When she goes home, she
Cooks, reads, watches TV, exercises and
writes poetry. Most of her poems are
about love. “Pm a romantic,” Devin
admits. “I love to be loved and I'm very
loyal, both in friendship and in romance.”
She also has a sense of humor. On a photo
session in the bayou country, a seminude
Devin was poling a small boat through
what she desperately feared were alligator-
infested waters (“I can't swim!”) when she
rounded a bend and came upon about 30
good ol’ boys in a duckhunting camp.

"Two of the guys were aslecp when I
floated by and I just want to let them know
that it really happened—a crew from
PLAYBOY was photographing a girl without
clothes on, and they missed it.” What are
her plans for the future? Travel, for one
thing. “I never knew my real father. My
mother and stepfather moved around the
country a lot—from California to Detroit

I struck out on my own at 16. Now Га like
to visit Madrid — my father’s birthplace—
and discover something about my roots.”
Other plans? “I would like to treat myself
to a real vacation. Maybe Venice." She
and her American Express card are ready
to go, so get the name right, hotel clerks
and maitre d's: Its Devin Renee
DeVasquez. You'll be seeing a lot of her

PLAYBOY'S PLAYMATE OF THE MONTH ~

PLAYMATE DATA SHEET

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виѕт: GEN wrs: RL ars; 734

HEIGHT: ID ората MD

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PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES

You should know," the businessman told the
secretary he had just hired, “that it’s a man's
world. And that this," he added, tapping his
crotch, “is the ultimate authority."

“Oh, yes, Mr. Miller,” the girl came back
with the sweetest of smiles, “and do you some-
times abuse your authority?"

Note to the boys in blue: The X-rated material
confiscated in vice-squad busts is creating a brisk
trade among local constabularies. Those in the
know refer to it as hot bartered cop porn.

As three young men lounged on the beach rating
girls, an average-looking brunette walked by.
"She's a five," said the first.
“A six,” countered the second.
^" said the third.
Soon a good-looking redhead sauntered by.
"She's an eight,” said the first.
said the second.
“No, she's a three,” said the
Finally, a gorgeous blonde st
“That's a ten, for sui exclaimed the first.
“An eleven, at least,” insisted the second.
“No, she's a six," proclaimed the third.
"How did you come up with six?” the two
astonished men asked.
"Well, I use the Budweiser scale," the third
lad replied. “Thats how many Clydesdales it
would take to drag her off my face.”

Our Unabashed Dictionary defines DEA agent
as a dust buster.

My boyfriend gets а thick hard-on,” the girl
confided, “a really thick one!”

“In that case,” giggled her horny friend, “he
must be a barrel of fun!”

Sports tip: From now on, boxing matches in San
Francisco will reportedly be conducted under
the Queen of Marquisberry rules.

Our Unabashed Di

vian stud as a Nordick.

ionary defines Scandina-

Maybe you've heard about the mysterious chap
who would lure prostitutes down alleys in Vic-
torian London . . . and then drop his pants and
masturbate. He came to be known as Jack the
Whipper.

The little boy knelt by his bed and prayed,
“Jesus, I need a bike." Jumping up, heran to the
window and saw that the driveway was empty

“Jesus,” he prayed адай really need a
bike.” Seeing that the driveway was still empty,
the boy ran to the living room and removed a
statue of the Virgin Mary. In his room, hc care-
fully wrapped it in heavy paper, masking tape
and a ball of twine, slipped it into a shoe box and
hid it in the back of his closet.

“OK, Jesus," the boy said, kneeling by his bed
once more, “if you ever want to see your mother
again. .

Vi was June, and Miss Toon, in a swoon,
Met her man by the light of the moon;
And all night, as they played,
Lovely music was made,
For Ihe chap kept his organ in Toon.

Male line overheard in a singles bai you
assure me that you're wearing an LU.D., ГИ
spring for the drinks."

Our Unabashed Dictionary defines underhung
theater reviewer as a critic at small.

There's an automobile dealer who is desperately
trying to persuade his in-laws to recall his frigid
bride: He claims that there's something seriously
wrong with her ignition.

Our Unabashed Dictionary defines contraband
as a group of Nicaraguan musicians.

Wile they attended the funeral of a mutual
friend who had been married ht times, one
woman turned to the other and sighed, “They're
together at last.”

Her friend quietly inquired, "Which husband
do you mean?"

"Husband?"
about her leg

the first replied. “Pm talking

Heard a funny one lately? Send it on a post-
card, please, to Party Jokes Editor, piaveoy,
Playboy Bldg., 919 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago,
IM. 60611. $50 will be paid to the contributor
whose card ıs selected. Jokes cannot be returned.

"Can't we go home now? This is the longest honeymoon I've ever been on."

113

YOU'VE JUST FINISHED the annual physical
and you're eager to get back to work. Your
doctor, though, is about to launch into his
yearly speech about your lifestyle—how
you work too hard, don't eat sensi
enough, worry too much, overindulgc. You
also know what he'll suggest: a diet regi-
men that will probablv read like some-
thing the ayatollah cooked up.

Wouldn't it be nice, you think, if some
good doctor somcwhere came up with a
nutritional plan that acknowledged that
most of us live in the real world?

Voilà! 1 offer you the Rat-Race Diet,
based on the principle that you shouldn't
have to feel bad just because you're living
well. Yes, it still makes sense to moder-
ate your indulgences and reduce your
stresses— but since we live in an imperfect
world and no doctor's prescription is going
to change that fact, it does make sense to
adapt the diet to the person, rather than
the other way around. After all, unless
you're seriously ill, you shouldn't have to
ransom your entire lifestyle to feel
healthy.

But first, some background. Whenever
you rev up your body's engines to perform
heroically—in times of high pressure, low
sleep, prolonged work or play—you burn
up the ration of vitamins and nutrients the
body needs to work efficiently. It’s also
just at those pressure points that you may
rely on various substances to help you
make it through. Unfortunately, those
substances—alcohol, caffeine, nicotine,

forget moderation.
screw the straight and narrow.
here’s how to live the way
you want to—and survive

THE
RAT-RACE >
DIET

»M /

article

за By STUART M BERGER, MD.

ILLUSTRATION BY SANORA HENOLER

aM,

wih

PLAYBOY

116

marijuana, tranquilizers, narcotics, am-
phetamines, even antihistamines—make
major withdrawals from your vitamin
stores. Those depletions, significant in the
best of times, make for a double whammy
when you're under a lot of tension. When
stress is burning up your reserves, you've
got to make sure you take enough extra on
board to compensate.

Stress depletes an alphabet of vi-
tamins—A, B, C, D and E—but the main
problems come with the B-complex and C
vitamins. Those are particularly depleted
by a stressful lifestyle. When we're in bal-
ance, they work like additives in a finely
tuned engine. The B vitamins help keep
nerves running in smooth synchrony.
Without enough of them, we get anxious,
depressed, irritable, fatigued and some-
times suffer memory lapses—the classic
symptoms of stress burnout. And—let’s
face it—the human organism hasn't spent
three billion years evolving from swamp
ooze in order to be depressed, grouchy and
tired all the time. Vitamin C also helps us
deal with stress by strengthening the
body's immune system, as well as by
destroying toxins produced in the body.

If you're burning it at both ends,
chances are you're also reducing your min-
eral stores. Studies show that a person
under stress burns up far greater amounts
of zinc, calcium, iron, magnesium, molyb-
denum, potassium and sulphur than his
nonstressed counterpart.

With that in mind, then, I've designed
the following series of meals and snacks to
help keep you running at your best under
the demands of the real world.

Suppose it's salary-review time again
and you've got the big meeting with the
top brass this afternoon. You want to be
alert but calm, clearheaded and steady.
Lost your copy of Eat to Win? Don't
worry—try the

SALARY-REVIEN SALAD

You'll probably find this under the name
of chef's salad at your local restaurant, but
it should indude

Lettuce greens

Egg (protein gives sustained energy
release)

Turkey (high in the amino acid trypto-
phan)

Tomatoes, green peppers or broccoli
(high in vitamin C)

Cheese (protein, for sustained energy
release; calcium)

Yellow vegetables (good source of vita-
min A)

The Salary Review Salad, eaten about
an hour before the big meeting, will give
you maximum levels of energy and alert-
ness for several hours. The principle here
is "Less is more": Your faculties will be
sharpest if your body doesn't have to work

overtime to digest a heavy starch meal.
Likewise, avoid refined sugars, the junk
food that sends your blood sugar soaring
and then crashing with a thud.

If there's a longer, sustained period of
grueling work ahead, the same principle
applies: When you need the most out of
your engine, run it clean. You need more
than one recipe, so try the more general

DOWN-TO-THE DEADLINE PLAN

Go for high proteins and low fats here:
lean meats, chicken and fish. Don't over-
cook the meats—when you're under
stress, that's just when you need every
microgram of vitamin and mineral con-
tent. Supplement these high-protein fcods
with moderate amounts of vegetables and
a lesser amount of fruits. Until you meet
that important deadline, try to avoid
sugar, caffeine and simple carbohy-
drates—cakes, cookies, candy—which
create energy peaks and valleys, the last
things you need when you're under cre-
ative pressure. The high protein and low
fat of the Down-to-the-Deadline Plan have
a natural time-release effect that keeps
your energy level continuously high until
you finish the job.

Once the work's done, you know (don't
you?) that you should go home and
get some sleep. But where's the fun in
that? It feels more natural to go out and
celebrate. Suppose, though (for the sake of
this article), that you had dutifully gone
home to sleep. You knew you needed some
Zs, but your body wasn’t cooperating.
Sleep problems may be one of the first
signs that you've gotten yourself into a
high-tension cycle. Since insomnia is often
caused by tension, the nutrients men-
tioned earlier to give energy also help
restore the balance the body needs for a
sound, restful sleep. On the theory that
one of the least interesting things to do in a
bed is to lie awake all night in it alone,
here's my

GUARANTEED CRASH-OUT COCKTAIL

One hour before bed, mix

1 cup fresh pineapple

1 cup yogurt (room temperature)

500 mg. of the B vitamin inositol

Yogurt is very high in tryptophan—an
amino acid that helps induce sleep. (Tryp-
tophan, which is present in all dairy prod-
ucts, is the reason warm milk helps some
people sleep.) The yogurt is also high in
calcium, conducive to good sleep. My
practice has shown inositol to bea natural,
safe sleeping aid. It's a good idea to take
500 mg. of it sometime during the day, as
well as the 500 in this recipe.

Don't eat a lot before bedtime. When
your system is busy digesting, it keeps you
from falling asleep easily and makes it
hard to bound out of bed in the morning.

It's no secret that many of the things

that we enjoy most take a toll on our bod-

ies’ reserves. Take alcohol, for instance:

Years of arduous medical research have
shown that whenever the human animal
gets into a serious wresding match with
alcohol, alcohol wins. However, the
human animal tends to forget that
between times, which is why we occasion-
ally end up needing a little help the morn-
ing after. The good news here is that
reasonable attention to vitamins and min-
erals can take the sting out of the morning
after. But first, the short course I call
Hangover 101.

When your body metabolizes alcohol,
your kidneys sluice a tremendous volume
of water through themselves to flush out
the alcohol from the blood—the familiar
“straightened pipes” we all know so well.
This dehydration is why your morning
mouth tastes as if a gopher slept in it and
why drinking a pitcher of water before you
hit the sack will reduce hangover.

But with the water go both the water-
soluble vitamins—B1, B6 and B12, folic
acid and vitamin C—and minerals. Those
elements are vital to nervous-system func-
tioning, and their depletion can contribute
to a hangover. That’s why heavy drinkers
can be susceptible to anxiety, fatigue,
insomnia, low energy, irritability, depres-
sion and mental confusion. Vitamin loss
also lowers the drinker's resistance to
colds, би and other infections making the
rounds.

You don't have to drink to great excess
to feel those effects—three predinner cock-
tails can leave you feeling tired and ill the
next day. But they don't have to. Moder-
ate drinking is fine if you're careful to
replace those lost vitamins and minerals,
which is the idea behind the

“1 CANT BELIEVE 1 DRANK THE WHOLE THING”
HANGOVER BREAKFAST

‘Totter to the kitchen—quietly. Blend

1 egg

4 ozs. orange juice

8 ozs. yogurt

1 banana

Handful of almonds or sesame seeds

2 tablespoons wheat germ

100 mg. vitamin Bl

3 grams vitamin C

The depletions caused by alcohol can
also be caused by the caffeine contained in
coffee, tea and chocolate. Caffeine acts asa
diuretic and may cause the kidneys to
Aush vitamin and mineral reserves.

"That loss, in addition to the stimulation
of caffeine itself, accounts for a wide range
of bad effects on the nervous system,
including “coffee nerves," inability to con-
centrate and sleep problems. But you
can undo a lot of the damage. Whether
you're a two-cups-before-you-open-your-
eyes kind of coffee drinker or you just
down a cup or two at work, you can usea

(continued on page 195)

PLAYBOY'S GIFTS FOR

DADS&
at ADS

— Wi

DTE

ТТТ Үү mm

Right: The drinks are on Bar-Too, a
remote-controlled, rechargeable party
robot that serves cocktails and canapés
on a circular tray and also stores bot-
Чез and ice in its 36"-tall body, by Digi-
Tech, Inc., Metuchen, New Jersey, $2495.

Far right: If Bar-Too doesn't leave you well
lit, there are these hand-blown French-
glass multicolor cocktail lamps that come
with removable lemon slices and swizzle
sticks, from Lightning Bug Ltd., Hazel
Crest, Illinois, $60 each, without bulbs.

киш. MI —

Left: Tiffany has served up one hell of a hardball i in the form of a sterling-silver baseball
paperweight that's ideal for holding down your pitching contract, $775. Above: For the
guy who takes his softball seriously, a mirror-finish aluminum bat with a knurled-
surface sweet spot and leather grip, by Dudley Sports Company, Dublin, Pennsylvania,
about $125, including a leather carrying case, plus a polishing cloth and brush.

Left: Four ounces of Ralph Lauren's Monogram cologne in a handsome cobalt-blue bot-
tle with a silver collar, $32. Above: When your keys are nowhere to be found, just clap
your hands and the Веер 'n Keep Keyfinder will sound off up to about 40 feet away,

on room noise, from Douglas Blaine Ltd., Rockville, Maryland, $14.95.

Below left: This French-made Marilyn Monroe lawn chair, with the famous blowing-skirt
shot imprinted on its cotton sling, has a wooden frame and, of course, collapses easily,
from Dapy, New York, $120. (James Dean is also avoilable.) Below right: Your silent
servant, The Man, an Italian-designed valet of tubular steel, stands 51" high and comes
in red, yellow, block and white, from LAM Products, Beverly Hills, California, $85.

Above left: Two hot times—neon wall clocks that measure 26" in diometer—indude
the Standard, $550, and the Pinwheel (top), $650, both by Jukebox Junction, Inc., Des
Moines, lowa. Above right: The Bose Acoustic Wave Music System, with AM/FM ond cas-
sette player, delivers a sonic sock despite its diminutive size (18" x 11" x 8"), obout $650.

Below left: Ice and easy—a silver-ploted wine cooler thot rests on a matching silver-
plated stand of walking sticks, by Godinger Silver Art, $160. Below right: Sony's 0-5
compact-disc player weighs about a pound; it con be used on the go or plugged into
your home stereo system and has an Automatic Music Sensor thot enables you to
quickly find the cut you're seeking, $299.95; optional battery pack /carrying case, $49.95.

Below: It ain't heavy, it's your Brother
AX-10, a nifty ten-pound portable with a
cassette daisy wheel for easy type-foce
changes, dual pitch, 40-character lift-off
correction memory, automotic relocation
after correction and electronic tabs and
margins, plus a great deal more, by
Brother International Corporation, $299.95.

PHOTOGRAPHY BY DON AZUMA

PLAYBOY

120

Secret Life (continued from page 80)

“Who gets to look at the stored records? Little
mechanical people with feelers, of course.”

know one fellow who's been dead five
years and still gets his junk mail

Do you think it's completely confiden-
tial when you tell your psychiatrist that
you believe an executive member of your
board of directors doesn't exist? The Med-
ical Information Burcau (M.LB.) is a
giant information bank in Boston that is so
secret and secretive that Senator William
Proxmire calls it "the medical CIA."
Through M.I.B., medical information is
routinely passed around—sold, in fact—
to people who wish to make decisions
about you, such as insurance companies
and employers. Your complete medical file
is available for a nominal fec.

You probably never stopped to think
about it when you filled out insurance
applications. At the bottom is a form you
sign that gives anyone who has the form
(or a photocopy of it) permission to get
medical information about you forever
afterward. (Don't you read what you sign?
You see: You're not paranoid enough for
your own good.)

Your bank's records are a different
story, however. You don't have to sign
anything. Banks routinely pass around
information about customers. And they
are required by law to photograph every
transaction of more than S100 that passes
through your checking account and to
store those photographs for five years.
(Most banks find it simpler to photograph
everything than to spend the time neces-
sary to separate transactions over S100.)
The bank must also photograph and store
every deposit or loan-payment slip and
every debit notice and must keep copies
of all correspondence concerning your
account. Who gets to look at the stored
records? Little mechanical people with
feelers, of course. And anybody who waves
a badge in the face of a bank officer. (As
Robert Ellis Smith, the publisher of Pri-
vacy Journal, puts it, “After all, if they
don't cooperate, whom will they call for
help when their bank gets held up—a U.S.
Senator?”) In a wonderfully Orwellian
turn of phrase, the law governing these
records is called the Bank Secrecy Act.

Is this situation merely amusing? Or is
it dangerous?

105 a little like exposure to radiation:
You have to wait a long time to see who's
going to get sick. It may have no effect on
you at all, or it may trap you in a night-
mare from which there is no escape. One
Government study cited “the danger of
permanent, inescapable stigmatization.”

Arthur R. Miller, a Harvard law profes-
sor and a widely recognized authority on
privacy, writes:

Concern over privacy is hardly
irrational. In our increasingly com-
puterized life, whenever a citizen files
a tax return, applies for life insurance
or a credit card, seeks Government
benefits or interviews for a job, a dos-
sier is opened on him and his informa-
tional profile is sketched. It now has
reached the point at which whenever
we fly on a commercial airline, stay at
one of the national hotel chains or
rent a car, we are likely to leave dis-
tinctive electronic tracks in the mem-
ory of a computer that can reveal
much about our activities, habits and
associations.

Distinctive electronic tracks. Is your
paranoia exaggerated? Miller says:

The same electronic sensors that
can warn us of an impending heart
attack might be used to locate us,
track our movements and measure
our emotions and thoughts. . .
Some criminologists already have
suggested that a prisoner be subjected
to sensor implantation as a condition
of parole. Law-enforcement people
then could monitor his activities and
take him into custody should his
aggression level become too high.

The italics are his. He's talking about
control of the individual, one of the most
fundamental and most sensitive subjects of
debate within a democratic society. The
questions have always been, How far can
society go in protecting itself against the
individual? How do we balance the rights
of the individual with the needs of the soci-
ety and still retain freedom?

Similarly, where does information gath-
ering leave off and control begin?

A friend of mine, a journalist and col-
lege professor, spent part of 1984 in Yugo-
slavia on a Fulbright teaching fellowship.
He had an apartment in Skoplje, where he
and his wife would sit in the evenings and
have their meals and talk. One day, they
commented on the plaster falling down in
the bathroom. The next day, a repairman
showed up at the door asking where they
wanted the plaster repaired. “It was kind
of nice,” my friend said, “except you knew
they were always listening." One day, they
said something about being tired of wait-
ing in long lines to buy meat or bread, and
the secret police showed up the next day to
ask if they were still happy in Yugoslavia.

Where does information gathering leave
off and control begin? My friends stopped
talking in their apartment.

Do you have any qualms about giving
out your Social Security number? Isn't it,
after all, a universal identifier? That bas-
Чоп of liberal paranoia, the Department of
Health, Education and Welfare, concluded
"that excessive use of the Social Security
number should be curtailed,” according to
the Senate Judiciary Committee, and that
"citizens be informed as to the nature of
information concerning them in Govern-
ment files and be given meaningful rights
to access and control and correct such
data." That recommendation was made
more than ten years ago, but nothing has
been done. In fact, Mr. Parsons' letter
asked for a Social Security number. I
asked Mike Van Buskirk, my Bank One
spokesman, what he was going to do with
it, “I don't know," he said. “It’s just con-
sidered a commonly acceptable identi-
fier."

Although Federal law requires Govern-
ment agencies to tell you how and by what
authority they plan to use your SS number
when asking for it, there are no laws gov-
erning private uses, such as the one Van
Buskirk doesn't know about.

If Van Buskirk cannot say how your
Social Security number might be used,
Privacy Journal’s Robert Ellis Smith can.
“One great fear we have,” he says, “is of
computers pooling resources." An entire
lifetime of data about us would then
become available to those who would
make decisions about us without our
knowledge. That was precisely how Mr.
Parsons made the decision to grant Lau-
rence Lorence credit. Two computers got
together and decided. At the same time,
someone else was denied credit.

When I called Trans Union Credit in
Chicago to try to find out how Laurence
Lorence was created, the spokesman said,
“Give me your Social Security number
and I'll see what I can find out.”

Smith again: “Each of [these comput-
ers] has our name and our facts. And most
of them have our number—our Social
Security number. The number is the one
means that makes it easier for all of these
disparate computer systems to link infor-
mation about a particular individual. If we
deny our Social Security number to a par-
ticular data gatherer, this will make it a
little more difficult for that data gatherer
to share our information with another sys-
tem that has information about us.”

.
And what about the investigating
agency asking your neighbors questions
and filing vivid descriptive reports on you?
Surely, that's simple paranoia, a grand
delusion. While still a Congressman,
Mayor Edward 1. Koch of New York City
spoke before Congress on the subject of
(continued on page 179)

Howtolive

With Another Derson

IVISG WITH another person. Can it be
L done? You bet. And it is being done,

in villages and municipalities all over
the country, with results ranging from
good all the way up to swell.

Married folks do it. Unmarried folks do
it, What are your chances of pulling it off?
Not too bad if you realize this simple
truth: The Other Person is not you. That
may seem apparent, but it’s actually one of
life's trickier concepts. Some people go
right through to the end of the trail and
never quite get the hang of it.

For example, the O.P. may get a head-
ache when you feel fine. Or, even more
maddeningly, may feel fine when you have
aheadache. That same individual may not
rtain. pleasures of yours, sut
"Nazi, arching ı music or lying aroun

how

afier years of tinkering,
a once-lonely guy works out a formula
for domestic success

humor

By BRUCE JAY FRIEDMAN

WHO TO PICK

Can any two folks live together? Obvi-
ously not, at least without killing and
maiming each other. Great care should be
taken in the selection of that certain some-
onc. You don't just rush down and ask the
doorman to move in. But without getting
into a whole thing about where to find
such a person—we all know the list:
supermarkets, “Bush in '88" cocktail
parties—the good news in that depart-
ment is that nine times out of ten, the O.P.
will pick you. Especially if you've been out
there vegetating long enough. Someone is
finally going to come along and decide that
you are not all that big a dirt bag. This
does not mean that you have to trot right
“along when you're tapped on the shoulder.
like | being arrested. You have every

¡ble something under your
t oft

~ skinned. Even an albino. Should you shoot

consideration, but you'll receive backing
from most Americans, as evidenced by the
rejection of the Bleeding Heart Position in
the last election.) There are too many
other things to worry about—drawer
space, ion of responsil апа
you are just not going to make it with а
new person and a machine. Well, maybe a
small machine, but certainly not the kind
that has to be wheeled around by attend-
ants. Then you have to worry about
accommodations for the attendants. You
can see what a mess you're getting into. If
the O.P. requires some kind of apparatus
later on, you can sit down and discuss it.
But not at the early delicate stage.

For those who insist on having a say on
who they get to live with, what's a good
kind of person to pick? Say you're fair-

for Madam Swarthy? What if - ога :

122

resemble each other tend to get along
nicely. Ever notice how happy couples
start to lock alike? Being with someone
who looks, feels and smells like you lowers
your risk. So why fool around—especially
when it's your first time in the batter's
box? For coziness, security and a sense of
well-being, get yourself another you.

Still, if you're a Keeper, it's best to find
yourself a Thrower-Outer. Keepers can't
bear to part with so much as an old gum
wrapper. Thrower-Outers love to get rid of
stuff so they can make room for the new
models. Two Keepers in the household
will eventually bc discovered by police
beneath a mound of possessions they can't
bear to part with. Keepers and Thrower-
Outers match up nicely.

WHERE TO DO THIS

Your place or the O.P.’s? One solution is
to stay right where you are, since you're
there already and all you have to do is pro-
vide a little extra space. On the other
hand, the O.P. may have a place that's
more comfortable than yours, something
that was part of a settlement. Moving into
the O.P.’s apartment will demonstrate
that you've got the guts and the self-
confidence to accept stuff from other peo-
ple without feeling like a welfare cheat. It's
not a bad reputation to have. Once it's
established that you have the capacity to
receive, there's no end to the things that
will pour in, all of it to be laid aside for the
future.

Keep in mind, however, that if you're
the one who moves in, you're also the one
who gets thrown out should that time roll
around—which it invariably does, accord-
ing to statistics compiled by the U.S.
Department of Commerce. So if you do
move into the O.P.'s apartment, make
sure you're willing to spend time in a
men's shelter at some future date.

WHO GETS TO DO WHAT

Who gets to clean the ketchup bottles?
Who floats the eggs? (An important new
freshness test: If they float, they've had it.)
You can keep these things loose, of course,
and just let them happen. Whoever is
driven crazier by noise down the hall is the
опе who gets to charge down there and tell
them where to get off. But it's best to have.
a general sense of who does what. A good
move, early in the game, is selflessly to
declare full responsibility for the garbage.
The O.P. will be touched and over-
whelmed and may well insist on doing
everything else. And garbage isn't all that
bad. Ever meet (concluded on page 178)

AO ME И rM a

124 PHOTOGRAPHY BY GORDON MEYER.

MAKE MINE A

hi-yo, silver bullet!
the legendary three-to-one rides again

drink By MAYNARD E THOMSON

BOLT THAT DOOR! Of course, the burglar chain, tco. You're in
the bigs now, guy: They come through the walls with jack-
hammers. Bolt it? Christ, weld it shut. Hey, come on. If
easy were all you wanted, you would have stayed in Des
Moines, right? You got through the day, didn’t you? That's
more than a lot of people in this town can say—probably
more than a lot of people in this town want to say.

Relax a little. Take off that wet coat; paw through the
mail for a minute. Bills. Bills and special offers from a
computer that spelled your name wrong. A postcard from
Mom: Why don’t you ever write? The home is lonely. Your
brother’s practice is doing wonderfully. Yech!

Now, hold on; take a deep breath. Frankly, I'm worried
about you. You let them know it’s getting to you like that,
they'll go into a feeding frenzy and you'll be dinner. Let’s
face it—you need help. The way you are now, you might
as well chew ground glass or pop some slop into a micro-
wave. Ulcer City. You need surcease; you need nurturing.

You need a martini.

Oh, sure, I know what you're thinking: a martini
That’s what advertising executives in cocktail lounges
clutch in one hand while they wedge popcorn in their faces
with the other and try clumsy come-ons with a bored wait-
ress named Rita. Forget that sour memory. You've never
had a martini. I'm not talking a cup of cheap gin splashed
over an ice cube. I’m talking satin, fire and ice; Fred
Astaire in a glass; surgical cleanliness; insight and com-
fort; redemption and absolution. I’m talking a martini.

Enough talk. Let's get going. Come on, follow me. No
mysteries, just simple attention to detail.

First, ice—lots of ice. Fresh ice. Hard ice. Crack a
is no (concluded on page 208)

PLAYBOY

126

SPARKY ANDERSON ict from page 76)

“You're dealin’ with athletes who are in the prime of

their life, and life on the road makes 'em resiless."

times after I lost a game when Га just be
starin’ at the wall, wonderin’ what I could
have done better, and meanwhile my kids
were watchin’ television and tryin’ to get
my attention— “Hey, Daddy, guess what I
did in school today” or “Hey, Daddy. look
what's on television." And my wife would
come over and try to (ай те back into
reality, and Га still be in the baseball
game in my mind, starin' at the wall, not
even hearin’. | know it sounds ridiculous,
but it just gets to me so much that Pm
really convinced that ГЇЇ never win
another ball game. Never! I really regret
that I got bascball in my blood so much in
terms of my family—I should have been a
better father to my kids when they were
growin’ up, and I know I'm a lousy hus-
band. I'm so, just so blessed that the
woman I've always been in love with has
staycd in love with mc.

PLAYBOY: While we're on the topic of
women, there was the case of a female
reporter last year who was verbally abused
by a couple of your players when she
entered the clubroom to interview them.
What's your reaction to such incidents?
ANDERSON: I think that the players ain't
used to a woman being in the clubhouse—
they get nervous. I know any time I see a
woman in the clubhouse after the game, I
make sure Pm properly dressed. There
ain't that many anyhow, and it's so recent
that they are around at all, players
can’t get used to it. It’s a shame that they
treat "em wrong. They're just doin’ a job,
too. 1 remember talking to one of my
coaches about it, and he told me that he
thinks most players ain't worried about
the women looking at their “attributes”
but their lack of attributes. [Laughs]
PLAYBOY: The larger question, though, is
about players and women. In the old days,
there were curfews and bed checks——
ANDERSON: Yeah, | remember the old
days—makes me feel old when you put it
that way, "causc it wasn't that long ago to
me—but | remember when the manager
or the coach would come into vour room at
night and actually touch the beds to make
sure you were there and not some pillow
arrangement to fake him out. Those days
are over. I ain't a cop, that's not my job. I
do have a curfew—on the road, players
should be in their room by ten o'clock.
PLAYBOY: How do vou enforce it?
ANDERSON: I don't do bed checks, that's
for sure, but I just make 'em aware that I
expect them to follow the rules. Pm not
being paid to be a baby sitter, but they all
know that I expect them to be honorable.
PLAYBOY: The honor system——

ANDERSON: Yeah. I just figure that these
guys are professionals, they've made it to
the major leagues, they?re bein’ paid a lot,
and if they want to stick around for a
while, they should follow my rules. As far
as women they might get together with.
PLAYBOY: You know even the married play-
ers go out on the town when they're on the
road——

ANDERSON: Sure I do, but I'm also not a
marriage counselor. I just think it’s none
of my business what a player docs on his
own time, unless I think there's somethin”
goin' on that interferes with his perform-
ance on the field. Sce, I have to deal with
25 human beings every day, and I'm not
about to judge what they do after thc ball
game is over. I’m so satisfied with my mar-
ried life that I never get tempted to look at
another woman—I'm kind of a square guy
that way, I guess. But, man, you're dealin
with athletes who are in the prime of their
life, and life on the road makes 'em—rest-
less, I guess that's the word, no matter if
they're married or unmarried or never been
married or never could get married be-
cause they're so ugly. A lot of ugly guys can
hit a baseball and catch it. Look at me——
PLAYBOY: Do vou think you're ugly?
ANDERSON: I ain't no Clark Gable, that’s
for sure. I’m 51 years old and all my hair is
white, but you watched me play a couple
of innings in Puerto Rico at the old-timers”
game. Was I a cal? Was I a cal? [Laughs] I
handled second base pretty well, don't you
think? Don’t even answer that—I don't
think I'm ugly. but I look so much older
than I am. 1 feel young, but I know I look
95.

PLAYBOY: Job stress?

ANDERSON: I really don't know—I know
that I started gettin’ white hair when I was
about 25. For a while, I tried that Grecian
Formula thing, and I just decided, “Hev,
forget it, don't worry about it.” And I
don't—I look in the mirror and shave
cvery day and it ain't that bad. I know thc.
press thought I got a lot prettier last vear.
PLAYBOY: Winning will do that.
ANDERSON: Yeah, I understand the ground
rules of this thing—the winners win and
the losers get nothin’. Like a poker game.
PLAYBOY: You're a poker player?
ANDERSON: Not no more—I'm strictly
baseball these days. But it's the same deal.
The winners laugh and tell jokes, and the
losers cry. And I know what it means to
cry. I told you before about how I don't
usually like to call a team mectin’. But I
did call one last усаг, when we were goin’
so good and I felt the team was gettin’ a
little overconfident and losin’ sight of real

life. I said, “When you drive out of the ball
park"—Tiger Stadium ain't in such a
good part of town—“‘take a drive around
for two blocks. And see the people on the
streets, how bad off they are—if you gave
any one of "em S50, they'd think vou
gave them $1,000,000. They have nothin’.
And maybe if you look at that, you'll stop.
your bitchin' and moanin”.”
PLAYBOY: Did they get the message?
ANDERSON: I was satisficd with
results.

PLAYBOY: That may be one of the shortest
answers anyone ever got from Sparky
Anderson. What with all the quotes you've
given the press and some of the color com-
mentary you've done on radio, you have
the reputation of being the Casey Stengel
of the Eighties. Are you aware of that?
ANDERSON: Well, 1 talk a lot, and I enjoy
it. 1 enjoy kibitzin’ with the writers. And 1
have very poor English, and there's no use
tryin’ to hide it. 1 don't make up any of my
English, if you could call it that; it's natu-
ral and I wish I could say that 1 make it
up. And I wish I could say that the words
I use are made up, but that's just the way I
talk. I've seen writers knock me because
they say the way I talk is bad for kids to
hear, but I don’t agree. I think the way
you speak, as long as you speak from your
heart—I just don't know another way to
deal with things, and a lot of times I get in
a lot of trouble because I do that, but
that's the only way I know to talk. It’s not
somethin’ phony or made up.

PLAYBOY: What kind of trouble?
ANDERSON: Well, I tend to overly brag ona
young player, and when he don’t do it the
way you said he would, it’s gonna be your
hide. I just get myself in more trouble with
my big mouth than anybody else gets me
in. I just get so enthusiastic, and 1 know
I've gotta calm it down, but when I try to
calm it down, I'm just not me. So which is
better? I don’t know. I just think I have to
be me. It's scary—when I read myself
praisin’ a player in the papers, 1 think,
Oh, my God, how did I ever say thal?

But about people comparing me with
Casey Stengel, you know, 1 got to see him
a bit at ceremonial dinners and stuff in his
later years, but there was onc Pll never
forget. It was at a New York sportswriters’
dinner—it was so great. He was gonna
present Don Larsen with some kind of
award for being the only guy in history to
pitch a “perfect game” in the world series.
It's a big dinner, and lots of people are
there to honor Larsen for one of the great-
est feats ever done. So the trophy is up
there, Stengel gocs up to the stage, he
spots Billy Martin and Frankie Frisch:
PLAYBOY: The famous Fordham Flash from
the Thirties ——

ANDERSON: Yeah, and I was sittin’ next to
Casey at the dinner, and Cascy spots Billy
in front—he always loved Billy—anyway,
Casey just started yappin’ away about this

(continued on page 130)

the

s we are increasingly
bombarded by hulk-
ing athletes trying to
sell us everything
from beer to various-
sized trucks, ше
couldn't resist asking our premier film
critics to assess the jocks’ performances.
We persuaded Gene Siskel and Roger
Ebert to take a break from “At the
Movies.” Then we locked them in a
darkened room in our Chicago head-
quarters and forced them to watch
more commercials than humans should
be allowed to view at one silling.
Miraculously, they agreed on the best
and the worst of the bunch. They also
pretty much agreed on which ones were
worthy of praise and which were sins
against mankind. We've highlighted
those at right. But there's more than
the very good and the very bad—
there's also the very in-between. Here's
their report:
EBERT; Why do we like having sports
heroes sell us shaving cream and
beer? One reason, I think, is that
we're flattered to have our idols slide
off their pedestals and take the bar
stool next to us. Call it demystifica-
tion. Twenty years ago, we deificd
our sports stars. Take Johnny
Unitas. You would never have
expected him to hang out in a bar
with you. He might have oumed the
bar; he might have driven past it
in his chauffeured limousine. But
that's as close as he'd get to us.
Today, the great athletes are being
presented as just regular Joes. When
they're not making $1,000,000 a
year to play football on Sunday
afternoons, they're rolling up their
sleeves and quaffing a few Lite ones.
It's all very reassuring.
siskeL: The appeal is intrinsic. I
look at it this way: Who would
you rather have endorse your
product—a famous lawyer or a poli-
tician? Everybody knows he's for
hire. But athletes are not for hire. 1
mean, 1 genuinely admire these peo-
ple. They may not be curing cancer,
but what they do they do exceed-
ingly well and in the purest sense
On some level, these people are very
smart, and 1 would want to know
what they know. Think about it:
Commercials tend to be filled with
phony kitchens and phony showers,
where plastic people have cmpty
heads. Then you look at that bar in
the Miller Lite commercials. Who
wouldn'! want to hang out in that
world?

FIRST ALL-STAR CAMPING TRIP
FOR LITE BEER FROM MILLER

EBERT: This is fun. It’s kind of an all-star — sisKEL: You couldn't improve this commer-
commercial based on our familiarity with cial if you tried. I wish the person who
everybody who's appeared in the Miller made this were working in the movies with
Lite series. Frankly, it doesn't make me thesame kind of ensemble cast. The direc-
think about beer as much as it makes me tor has not given these amateurs any rope
recall that great line of commercials and to hang themselves. And the commercial
how much I've admired them. It’s a funny creates such a wonderful environment. It
spot, loaded with wit and imagination. It seemingly obliterates any competing light
makes me laugh out loud. beer with its good fellowship.

THUMBS UP

JOHN MCENROE FOR BIC ALEX KARRAS
DISPOSABLE SHAVERS FOR LA-Z-BOY CHAIRS

EBERT: Who was that guy? This is a cute — EBERT: This is terrific. It has an almost
commercial, except I’m always sure there voluptuous sensuality—the way he's snor-
isn't a real blade in the razor. The fun ing while stretched out, full-length, in his
thing here is that I liked this commer- chair, crossing his Argyle socks in front of
dal—ıo be absolutely honest—without the flickering бге. When his wife calls him
realizing that was John McEnroc up there. her very own La-Z-Boy and he says,
I assumed he was a tennis player, because “That's cute, Susan," that's all terrific.

he was talking about matches, which was — siskeL: Here you have the perfect fit. Alex
quick thinking on my part. Karras is a guy who has thc balls to have a
sISKEL: I’m glad that you didn't think he La-Z-Boy Chair, which looks—in this
was an arsonist. John McEnroe, one of the high-tech world—like hell but is the most
best-known celebrities in the world of sports, comfortable thing in the world. I wish I
ahem, is simply a terrific actor. He's fully were secure enough to have a La-Z-Boy
aware of how he is coming across: impish right in the middle of my living room. He
and rascally. There is sheer joy here. looks like he's in heaven.

SS vee

BILLY MARTIN (WITH LOIS CHILES)
FOR ENKALON NYLON CARPETS

sisket: Horrendous—from beginning to
end. Lois Chiles is a very classy actress.
Why would she want to be anywhere near
Billy Martin? Nothing is said about car-
pets. Everyone remembers the clbow in
the soup. Maybe his clbow could magi-
cally get cleaned.

EBERT; It would be a much better commer-

One-Hour Martinizing. Lois could play
his wife and tell him she's going to have to
send him to the cleaners again. He could
say, “But you've already taken me to the
cleaners!” I don't know why they don't
hire me to make these commercials. This is
just awful. Martin's should say, “Look, 1
wake up on the floor every morning of my

LARRY BIRD
FOR CANON CAMERAS

sIskEL: “Watch the bird” is a dumb line
that I wouldn't wish on any athlete. So,
Larry, don’t get discouraged—you were
set up. Outside the world of basketball,
Bird doesn't have a lot of pizzazz. Ironi-
cally, the spot is a bad shot.

EBERT: A great commercial would be Bird's
telling us, “It always amazes me when I
scc my picture in the papers. I think, Boy,
I wish I could take pictures like that!” But
Bird isn't going to make me want to buy a
camera. I would rather know how this
camera could be used in my life. I don't
think lm going to put in a lot of time
on the side lines at pro basketball games.

cial for a dry cleaner: Billy Martin for - life. I like to have a good rug!”

THUMBS DOWN

ARNOLD PALMER AND O. J. SIMPSON
(WITH BUTKUS AND SMITH) FOR HERTZ

евент: Trying to generate phony hostility

between the two primary spokesmen
seems contrived and unconvincing. I don't
buy it. Not even Bubba Smith and Dick
Butkus can pull this out of the fire.

SISKEL: Roger is right. The argument is
phony. Arnold Palmer is purc class: Hc
has done nothing to bring anything less
than honor to his life. Similarly, O.J. has
been used by Hertz in a much more
respectable, albeit physical, way. You
remember—he was running through the
airport terminal to beat the rush to
the car-rental counter. Now he's matured.
He deserves a classier format.

LARRY HOLMES AND SUGAR RAY
LEONARD FOR FORD TRUCKS

sıSKEL: Larry Holmes is going to kill
me, but Sugar Ray Leonard makes
this commercial work. The two of
them arc pointing out the sizes of
Ford trucks available and, because
they are different sizes themselves,
its a perfect fit. But Holmes, who
opens the spot alone, is very difficult
to understand. Sugar Ray comes in
with a lot of charm, and the two of
them have a funny mock argument
over whose truck is better. Holmes
alone would not work as well—
unless he tried to pick up the truck.
EBERT: I like it better before Sugar
Ray comes in. With Holmes, you get
the unadulterated feeling of an
authentic guy speaking in his own
tongue. Dat truck, dis truck. You feel
an absolute authenticity in the
endorsement. Sugar Ray, on the
other hand, is a morc polished per-
former. By the end of the commer-
cial, you're merely getting shtick
between two — athletes—nothing
more—whereas at the beginning,
Holmes is telling you, in his own
inimitable way, that this truck is a
heavy motherfucker.

DOROTHY HAMILL
FOR FORD TEMPO

eset: Totally phony. There is virtu-
ally no connection between ice
skating and cars. In the Holmes-
Leonard ad, you have a big, heavy
guy who is advertising a big, heavy
truck. That connection is obvious
But making the point that the Ford
Tempo handles well and so docs
Dorothy Hamill would make more
sense if we had Hamill’s boyfriend
endorsing the car. I would enjoy it
better if she jumped over several
beer barrels and landed in the seat
of the car.

siskeL: This is not a good product
fit: We see a very successful athlete
spinning around and endorsing a
low-end, low-priced car. I do not
believe that Hamill would drive a
Ford Tempo, even though she may
have gotten a free one for doing the
commercial. Another problem is,
you have this great athlete skating
around but doing nothing an aver-
age skater couldn't do, which seems
like a waste. It's a frivolous, giggly
performance. She must be smarter
than that giggle.

WAYNE GRETZKY
FOR CANON CAMERAS

enert: The commercial does one
thing I appreciate—it shows me
something about the camera’s
special (continued on page 176)

PLAYBOY

SPARKY ANDERSON (continued fron page 126)

"Tf I ever find a pitcher who has heat, a good curve
and a slider, I might consider marryin’ him."

young whippersnapper Billy Martin and
goin' on about the days he played with
Frankie Frisch and on and on, and the
crowd is breakin’ up. Larsen is standin’
there, waiting to be introduced, and Casey
just keeps talkin’. He stops talkin’, he goes
and sits down. He has not even mentioned
Larsen, who is standin’ behind him; he
hasn’t given Larsen nothin’. The m.c., he
didn’t know what to do. He waited a few
seconds, jumped up and got the trophy
and handed it to Larsen, and the house
just came down.

That night, Casey really taught me
somethin’. The kids there just lined up to
get his autograph. What he does is sign the
autographs and says to each of 'em,
all you kiddies, go back to your table; or
Casey is gonna have a salad, and when vou
see him finish his salad, you can come
back.” They all came back, and he says,
"OK, all vou kids go sit down again,
because ol’ Casey is gonna have some din-
ner, and when you see him get done with
the dinner, you come back.” They came
back—he said, "OK, when you see ol
Case finish with his dessert, then you
come back.”

PLAYBOY: What did that teach you?
ANDERSON: This man was at least 80 years
old, and he handled those kids like a
dream, and every one of those kids will
remember that night for the rest of their
lives, until they get to be 80 years old. I
guarantee that. That was so important—it
taught me that those kids felt that way
about mecting a baseball hero, and since
I've been a major-league manager, Гус
always tried to make myself available to
kids, because it means so much to them. A
manager always has to do lots of off-season
promotion for the team, and after all the
demands of last year, I’m definitely gonna
cut down that way—but I'll always do
stuff to help kids. I see stuff in the papers
from time to timc— “What's so important
about bascball, anyway?”
PLAYBOY: Whar is?
ANDERSON: Really, it is the kids. They
teach va in school that America is the only
country in the world where any kid, no
matter what his background, can grow up
to be President of the United States. And
that's true— but there's only one President
for every four years, and there's room for
25 people on every major-league club,
every year. I guess it's the idea of hope.
You may not become President, but if you
work hard enough, maybe you can play
major-league baseball. Maybe you can be
a star. Ат least you can try. Bascball gives
you a chance to start.

PLAYBOY: Let's talk a bit about the changes
in the modern gamc—baseball in the
Eighties. For instance, the spitball has
been banned for a long time, but in recent
years certain pitchers have become famous
for throwing a pretty moist ball.

ANDERSON: I know that.

PLAYBOY: We know you know that. Your
pitching coach for the past five ycars,
Roger Craig, managed the San Diego
Padres when the king of the spitball,
Gaylord Perry, was his lead pitcher. What
we're asking is, Why try to hide it when so
many pitchers throw it today? Should it
become legal again after all these years?
ANDERSON: I don't think there's anything
wrong with the spitball. To me, it’s no dif-
ferent than if guy has a good fast ball or
a good curve ball or a good slider. I just
don't think many guys throw it anymore. I
think the biggest danger is not 10 the bat-
ter but the pitcher—T'll. tell you why.
You're so susceptible to hurting your
elbow and shoulder, because the ball is
slippery and the way vou have to hold on
to it, you run into a lot of risk of hurting
your arm. I’m not sayin’ that guys don't
throw it today, but I don't agree that it's
come back all that much. I think we're at
the lowest point in history for the spitter.
PLAYBOY: Did you ever manage pitchers
who threw the spitter?

ANDERSON: A couple, but I ain't about to
tell you who. I’m just not the kiss-and-tell
type. They didn't stay with it very long—I
don't think many guys do. Don Drysdale,
for instance, could throw one pretty good.
PLAYBOY: In some circles, he was known as
Wetsdale. But you're really not going to
tell us where Perry hid the grease that
helped him win 300 games?

ANDERSON: Let's just say that that's his
business and none of mine and none of
yours. Besides, you couldn't get it out of
me if you tried. lt ain't important,
anyway—I think things go in fads, and
sometimes they work. Split-fingered fast
ball is the latest fad for pitchers.

PLAYBOY: It sure was a good fad for your
pitchers last vcar. They used it a lot, with
great success.

ANDERSON: Yeah, but for quite a while
there was the knuckle-ball fad. The Niekro
brothers are about the only ones around
who usc it. Me, myself, I always love to sce
a guy who throws hard. Гус always been a
great believer in firepower. I've also always
been a great fan of a curve ball, a pitch
that seems to be goin’ out of business.
PLAYBOY: Wasn't the ability to hit a curve
ball always the test of a major-league bat-
ter? The reason he even entered the major

leagues—he could hit a curve ball?
ANDERSON: Absolutely. But things have
changed. Pitchers realize these days that it
takes a big bite out of their arm—and their
arm is where the money is—to have to
twist the arm and the body so much to
throw a curve ball. Not too many pitchers
get a good break on a real good curve ball
anymore—it’s a lot easier to get a break
out ofa r, a lot less strain on the arm.
But you're right—a curve ball used to be
meat and potatoes for a successful pitcher.
If I ever find a pitcher who has heat, a
good curve and a slider, I might seriously
consider marryin’ him—or at least
proposin’. [Laughs] Please don’t tell my
wife, though.
PLAYBOY: Can't the art of throwing a curve
ball still be taught?
ANDERSON: Well, I think it can still be
taught. You gotta get on top of it, but it’s
easier for the pitchers to control the slider.
Ted Williams, just about the best guy with
the bat who ever played the game, savs
that when the slider came into the game, it
was the toughest pitch he ever had to
swing at. A slider, when it works, is won-
derful, but pitchers sure hang a lot of "em.
The ball becomes a sittin’ duck for a good
hitter—boom, the ball is gone.
PLAYBOY: Back when players and managers
had to take off-season jobs to pay the rent,
you worked as a car salesman. How did
you do?
ANDERSON: Well, I worked for a bunch of
dealerships in Southern Califorma for
seven years, but [long pause] | really
couldn't sell cars. I tried to, but I wasn't
what they call a “closer.” The closer's the
guy who wants to get ya in there and closc
the deal, and 1 was never good at that.
PLAYBOY: Why not?
ANDERSON: Well, I'd have a guy come in to
fill out the papers to finance the purchase,
and when I could tell he didn't make
enough money to handle the payments—
Га tell him. I'd tell him, “You can't han-
dle this." That ain't a good way to sell
cars. 1 didn't really have my heart in it,
anyway—it was just a winter job. Maybe
if I had to do it for a living, I would have
got more enthusiastic about it.
PLAYBOY: Did that experience teach you
anything about dealing with baseball and
baseball players?
ANDERSON: Well, I know one thing: They
always talk about the car dealers’ bein’ a
little shady. I found the people who came
through the door were the shadiest—all
the gimmicks they had! You learn the dif-
ferent molds people come in, baseball
players included. Players might have dif-
ferent faces, but you'll always have four or
five guys who аге exactly the same in one
personality. Another four or five who arc
the same in another personality. I think
you always end up with four or fivc differ-
ent personality types on the team.
PLAYBOY: Describe them.

(continued on page 198)

"I knew this would be a fun party when the invitation
came in a plain brown envelope.”

131

132

pompeo posar celebrates 25 years
as the dean of playboy photographers

THE LENS OFLOVE

“Always I have admired Ihe female
body. When I was a boy of 13 or 14 in
Trieste, there was a beautiful piazza in
the center of town where I would go for
walks with friends, and on one side of
the piazza there were two statues of
naked women. Even so young, I always
stared at them when we passed."

— POMPEO POSAR

INITALY and Yugoslavia, at the time Senior
Staf Photographer Pompeo Posar was
growing up there, a boy with an artist's
eye didn't have many opportunities to
view the nude female form. [t was the late
Thirties, early Forties, and therc were no
men's magazines, no nude bars and cer-
tainly no adult cable channel. There were,
however, museums.

*] loved going to the museums in
Europe,” says Posar. “I'd stand for hours
in front of pictures by Rubens, Titian and
Raphael. I would lose all track of time,
just drinking in the beauty.”

lt was a thirst that, fortunately for us
and our readers, has never been quenched.
For 25 years, we've dispatched Pompeo
and his camera all over the world, trusting
that wherever he went, he would return
with striking pictures of the most beautiful
women to be found. We haven't been dis-
appointed.

Although his photographic talents arc
virtually unlimited —he has photographed
40 of our covers, to cite one example—
Pompeo's specialty is the centerfold. He
has photographed 60 Playmates—54 for
PLAYBOY and six for our foreign editions—
since he joined the magazine's staff in
1960; and in the process, he has created a
style that is still a textbook for aspiring
photographers. His many awards for pho-
tographic excellence attest to his stature in
the profession.

Besides carning a reputation for PLAYBOY
as one of the most photographically lush
publications in the world, Posar has been a
suave and capable spokesman for the mag-
azine. Journalists who have interviewed
him over the ycars have described him as
“dashing,” "Continental," “reassuring.”
All are astounded by his near-legendary
success in getting his photographic sub-
jects to shed their inhibitions, along with
their clothes, for the camera.

In the cover story for the April 1985
issue of American Photographer magazine,

Egon

David Roberts describes the process by
which a nervous Playmate prospect visibly
relaxed during a few hours of working with
Pompeo. At first she was shy about reveal-
ing her body, Roberts reports, but “by
noon it had become routine for her to loi-
ter at Posar's side, an open robe barely
perched on her shoulders, as she scruti-
nized her nude Polaroid self along with the
experts. I pondered this transformation
and deduced that it was due entirely to
what might be called Posar's ‘bedside

“I think,” says PLAYBOY Associate Pho-
tography Editor Janice Moses, "that he
makes the women relax because they know
very well that he likes them and he appre-
ciates their beauty, and he's very sensitive
to their shyness."

One young woman who had posed for
him told us, "I don't know what I
expected a photographer for a men's mag-
azine to be like, but I guess 1 expected
something, well, creepy, you know? But
Pompeo is such a nice man, he was a com-
plete surprise. He got me to do things that
I had never thought I'd do. There isn't а
creepy bone in his body.”

“] never want a girl to feel intimidated
by my looking at her with my bare eyes,”
Posar says, “so I usually avert them when
I'm not looking through the camera. I
turn away and let her relax. That way, she
has no fear. And if I do look at her, 1 say
she’s beautiful and I smile. That way, she
has confidence in herself.”

Pompeo’s empathy with his subjects is
so complete that he often strikes the
poses he'd like them to assume—so con-
vincingly that one model told him,
“Pompeo, I wish I could take the photo-
graphs and let you do the poses."

Posar admits that to do his best job of
capturing each model’s special qualities,
“I must (text continued on page 138)

People think Pompeo Posor (above left) even
looks like the luckiest guy alive. He con't intro-
duce himself without having every mon within
earshot offer to trade jobs. His Continentol
manner can undress the most beautiful women
in the world. Since introducing himself to puareor
reoders (at left is Miss October 1962, Loura
Young, the first centerfold he photographed),
Posor has filled our pages with female love-
liness from top to bottom (opposite page)

MISS OCTOBER

PLAYBOY'S PLAYMATE OF THE MONTH

MISS DECEMDER млтъот» puarmars or та onm

The times have changed, but Posar's eye for beauty endures, as shown by the four centerfolds on this and the facing page. Above,
December 1963's Donna Michelle (left) and October 1968's Majken Haugedol illustrate two of the ways the Sixties saw what's sexy.

134

MISS NOVEMBER

==”

нїйон fu ig ufwawia soxa

m зні 40 LINA 14082014
-

In the early Seventies, Posor posed Februory 1973 Playmate Cyndi Wood (left) in o gown originally worn by Ginger Rogers in a film
with Fred Astaire. In 1976, during the C.B.-radio craze, he photographed every good buddy's dream girl Patti McGuire (right).

136

A generous sampling of the 40
covers Posor has photogrophed for
ruvsoy includes Miss December
1963, Donno Michelle (opposite
page, as she appeored on the in-
side cover thot month, in whot we
called our Tenth Holiday Issue), os
well as his most fomous (the shot of
Patti McGuire on the November
“76 issue, which contains the con- ^
troversial Jimmy Carter Interview,
now а collector's item). In ће pho- P
to immediotely obove, o younger

Posor shows model Paulette

Lindberg how he wants her to pose

for the Februory 1968 cover.

PLAYBOY

138

fall a little bit in love with her.” That
he never falls more than a bit is attrib-
utable to his 38-year romance with his
wife, Melita, whosc bikini-clad figure
drifted into his view finder on a Zagreb
riverbank back in 1944. They were
married in 1947, shortly after he had
completed his studies in economics and
commerce at the University of Zagreb.
Once, when we asked Posar, man to
man, if he didn't sometimes feel frus-
trated by working with gorgeous
women with whom his professionalism
forbade further intimacy, he laughed
and replied, “Sure, I get frustrated. But
that just gives me more passion to take
home to Melita.”

‘That tact is typical of Posar, a Euro-
pean gentleman of the old school. He
speaks softly, with an accent so lilting
and elegant that, had he not become a
photographer, he could just as easily
have sold expensive sports cars on tele-
vision. (One writer likened the Posar
voice to “а soft and caressing Mediter-
ranean melody.”) But from the time his
father, a food importer/exporter, “made
the mistake” of buying his 15-year-old
son his first Leica, Posar has never
wanted to be anything other than a pho-
tographer. “I tried working for my father
for a few years but finally realized I
didn’t want to be a businessman, The

Always willing to take risks to get the best
aut of his subjects, Posar made like a moun-
tain goat (above) ta frame October 1971
Playmate Cloire Rambeau agains! the spec-
tacular mountains near her home town,
Sedona, Arizona (right). A consummate
fast talker of the avuncular schaol, Pasar
has convinced women world-wide that
cooperating with him will praduce great
pictures, among them (top, from left) a
candidate for our October 1980 pictorial
Girls of Canada; June 1963 Playmate
Connie Mason; Marlene Appelt, whom he
talked out of a cab and inta the country-
side for а whirl in August 1972's Girls of
Munich; Playmate Mejken Haugedal;
and Madrid madel Uschi Hu, wha dis-
rabed for Ladies of Spain (April 1983).

only thing important to me was
photography." So in 1954, he and
Melita came to America to begin a new
life. Cleveland was the first city they
visited and it was, then as now, Cleve-
land. "Nothing much to do in Cleve-
land at night, so 1 go to a bookstore to
browse. I find an issue of PLAYBOY and
love it, So I go buy every back issue I
can find. І think to myself, Га love to
work for this magazine.” Five years
later, having settled in Chicago and
developed a reputation as a free-lance
photographer, Pompeo had an oppor-
tunity to shoot a few stills on the set of
a new late-night television show called
Playboy's Penthouse, hosted by PLAYBOY
Editor and Publisher Hugh Hefner.
During that and subsequent shows,
Posar got some good photos of our boss
and his guests, who included Sammy
Davis Jr., Bob Newhart and the legend-
ary singer Mabel Mercer. He blew up
the photos and gave them to Hef, who
liked them enough to offer Posar a job
on the staff of the magazine.

Once he was hired, PLaYBoY’s photo
editors were quick to realize what an
asset they had in a man who could not
only shoot terrific pictures but converse
in Italian, French, English and the

Posor likes to stretch the limitotions of his
indoor sets (obove) but soys, “1 prefer to
work, if possible, outside." The result is
often o characteristic blend of noturolism
and eroticism such as the alluring pictures
of (ot left) Potti McGuire; (top, left to
right) June 1968 Playmate Britt Fredriksen
moking a hammock lock good; 1974
Playmate of the Year Cyndi Wood moking а
Puerto Vallorto hocienda lock good; ond
Vinko Skonsi (kneeling) ond Bobo Zuvic
odding scenic beouty to the Yugoslovian
town of Hvor (in Moy 19B1's Girls of the
Adrialic Coast). In the next photo, Posor, on
a hunt for the Bunnies of 1970, inspects
the Jomaico Ployboy Club-Hotel ond (for
right) wotches a McGuire spoof of Bunny
ottire for Playboy Clubs run by him.

principal Yugoslavian languages and
get by in several other tongues. Over
the years, they delegated Posar to bring
you Girls of. . . features on the Adri-
atic Coast, Rome, Munich, the Iron
Curtain countries, Wasbington, Par

the New South, the Riviera, Spain, Rio,
Texas, Canada and Australia, not to
mention several football conferences.
One year, he logged 78,000 miles in the
air and on the road. Along the way, he
has also photographed his share of
actresses, singers and otherwise famous
women, a few of whom are pictured on
these pages. But don't expect to hear
any good gossip about these ladies from
Pompeo. He never gossips. What did
you think of Joan Pompeo?
“She (text concluded on page 197)

Posar has hobnabbed with the famous, the
infomous and the wives of both. He recounts
his meeting with surrealist Solvador Dali
(obove) in 1973, when they tried to repro-
duce one of Dali's paintings on film (top):
"The man was crazy. He asked me the
English word for butterfly. | told and
he wouldn't stop shouting, ‘Butterflyee!
Butterflyee!” until 1 joined in." Among the
noteworthy femmes Pompeo hos photo-
graphed are (top, from left) singer-actress
Jone Birkin; policewoman Borbara Schantz;
Joon Collins (in earlier days, when she was
Mrs. Anthony Newley); Vikki La Motta (ex-
wife of boxer Jake La Motta); Rita Jenrette
(then the wife of ex-Congressman John
Jenrette); and (ot right) actress Terry
Moore, the erstwhile Mrs. Howard Hughes.

PLAYBOY

144

PRIZE PULITZER (continued from page 84)

“Nol talk about sex or politics? I was part of the Kent

State generation!”

One of my friends was so terrified that
they'd search her house that she took all
her drugs and gear—grinders, bottles,
papers and what have you—and buried
them on King Hussein's Palm Beach
property.

Does the king know?

1 doubt it. I think my friend hid the stuff
there because she figured nobody would
dare look.

You say you didn't use it that much, but
didn't you go to group therapy in Palm Beach
and confess that you were an addict?

Correction: Herbert took me to group
therapy and told everyone in a two-hour
speech that I was an alcoholic and a
cocaine addict. 1 went because he'd
threatened to go ahead with a divorce
unless I joined the group. Later I realized
that a public admission of that sort could
be useful in evidence, but whether or not
he did it for that reason, I can't say. I
know he called me at home afterward, cry-
ing and asking me to forgive him for saying
what he'd said at the meeting. 1 went back
to the group the next week, poked my head.
around the door and said, "Fuck you and
thank you very much." End of group ther-
apy. At his insistence—insistence! He
stuck a gun in my face—I also checked
into a substancc-abuse clinic, but they had
to let me go, because I had no symptoms
of dependency and they said they needed
the bed for a more deserving patient. I
didn't find out until the trial, when the
clinic records were produced in evidence,
that one of the counselors had written
across the top of the form, WE FEEL SHE IS A
PAWN IN A PALM BEACH DIVORCE.

The psychiatrist at your trial said that the
relationship between your husband and you
was that of master and servant. Was that a
fair appraisal?

Т was 23 when I started dating Herbert.
He was 44. You could say he swept me off.
my feet in all directions at once. My par-
ents were divorced when I was three, so
Га never known my father. Herbert
became my father, teacher, lover and best.
friend. He was a bit of everything, and I
worshiped him. I didn't have a mind of my
own—I just wanted to please him, to be
the perfect wife, the perfect hostess. 1 was
ready to do anything he asked or wanted. I
had this belief—I still do to some ex-
tent, though I know it can do me great
harm—that people don't have the right to
say no or to make judgments about some-
thing unless they've tried it, so if he said,
"Come on, let's do this," I'd think, Sure,
why not? I never said no, whatever it
involved. Whatever. He couldn't believe

he'd met a girl who was openly telling
him her fantasies and was willing 4o try
things he'd wanted to try for a lifetime
You can't have а more perfect sexual re-
lationship than one in which both people
are in consent, as we were, sharing their
innermost fantasies. If it made him hap-
py, it made me even happier.

Pulitzer testified in a deposition that you
and he sometimes shared the same bed with
another woman.

Herbert said that, he testified to it, but I
denied it and 1 don't intend to discuss it
here.

Perhaps you should, if only to remove any
doubts about the suggestion.

Forget it. I know what I am, I know
what I'm not, and that's all that matters.

You had been married before you met Her
bert, hadn't you?

Yes, when I was 19. It lasted less than
four years and we spent almost the entire
time separated. I’m not proud about
but I’m not going to make excuses, either.
I was brought up to think I was supposed
to be married, have child: and lead a
settled family life. Looks like 1 was wrong
both times. But in my marriage to Her-
bert, the fact is that we both screwed up,
we were both in the wrong; and if there'd
been any justice in that Florida judgment,
it would have reflected that point and the
custody would have been on a 50-50 basis.
I haven't given up the legal battle.

What do you want from the courts?
They've rejected your request for an appeal on
the alimony issue, and the U.S. Supreme
Court won't even hear the case. What's left?

I'm asking the Florida court to give me
more visitation. I want to sec more of the
boys; it's that simple. I want to be able to
look them in the eye and tell them that I
went as far as I could go, that I did my
utmost. Equal visitation, open visitation—
that’s what Га like. If 1 had custody,
there’d be none of that four-days-a-month
bullshit. Herbert could see them any time
he wanted. He's their father, he always
be, and I don't want them to forget
The trouble is, whenever I do something
he doesn't like, such as go to the courts, he
makes certain that I get my exact four days
and not an hour longer. But if everything's
going well and he's not fceling threatened,
he'll let me see them every week. It's thc
old pawn routine.

Your husband paid the legal costs for both
sides in the trial, but it was the judge who
determined the fee that should be paid to your
lawyer, Joe Farish. Didn't he get a lot less
than he expected?

On December 28, the day the judgment

came in, I got a call from the h
office, and as soon as I heard the secre-
tary's voice a chill went through my body.
I knew it would be bad news. Anyway, I
drove to Joe's office in West Palm and
found him with his fect up on his desk,
talking on the phone and he was say-
ing, “Can you believe it, [got only $102,500,
and for a сазе like that." And I was sitting
there, heart pounding, waiting for him to
get off the phone and tell me what hap-
pened. I could sce the agreement lying in
front of him.

Then he hung up and ] burst out,
"What happened to Mac and Zac?" I had
been flipping through the pages of the
judgment but couldn't understand the
technical terms. Joe was reading another
copy, so I said, “Who's the prime custo-
dial parent?" and he said, "Hc is.” at
which point I guess I went into shock.

I just couldn't talk, couldn't believe it,
but there it was. Farish picked up the
phone again and I lefi—drove that car
back across the bridge to Palm Beach in a
blind panic, through the lights and the
stop signs. I must have been doing 80. All
I wanted to do was get home and lock
myself in my room. The reporters were
already there when | got back. I went
inside, called my mom, who said she'd be
down on the next plane, then went to bed.

You said earlier that you wanted to be the
perfect wife, the perfect hostess. Why was that
so important?

I wanted to be accepted socially in Palm
Beach, Herbert’s oldest and closest friend
was James Kimberly, who was heir to
the Kimberly-Clark paper fortune—the
Kleenex people. Jim was nearly 70 when I
met him and his wife, Jackie, who was

about a year older than me. She had a
great social flair—beautiful table settings.
perfect floral arrangements. Eight pieces

fork to use and what to do with
She and I hit it off from the be;
urally, both of us being young girls mar-
ried to much older men. We used to talk
for hours; she taught me a lot, especially
about the Palm Beach social scene. Her-
bert used to say, “Watch Jackic, sce how
she does it." And Herbert would tell me to
read Time, Newsweek, U.S. News & World
Report, the number-one fiction and nonfic-
tion best sellers. If I did that, he said, Га
be able to talk to
to get through ner without n
fool of myself. 1 wasn't supposed to mer
ion sex, politics or religion. Not talk about
sex or politics? I was part of the Kent State
generation! 1 was at Kent State to pick up
a friend the day those four students were
killed. Nobody was going to tell me what
to say. At the back of his mind, I think,
Herbert respected me for being the way 1
was. I think he sometimes wished he could
be that way himself, that he could say,

(continued on page 192)

uarterly
eports

a timely accounting of timeless principles of personal finance

article

By ANDREW TOBIAS

SYSTEMS

skirt lengths? lunar cycles? super bowl winners? can you really
make money by keeping track of stuff like that?

HE STOCK MARKET'S gonna be great this year.
Why? Because San Francisco creamed Miami
in the Super Bowl. This is true! Really!
Almost! Sort of! Of course not! But wait.

DOUBLE YOUR MON

y, DOUBLE YOUR FUN

I sit, guilt dripping down my spine, implementing iny
system. Free drink in hand, I am steadfastly betting on
red. If I win, I double my money. If I lose, I double my
bet. I am doing this, honesty compels me to admit, with
one-dollar chips. (This was a long time ago.) I beta dollar
on red and if I win, I bet a dollar again. If I lose, I bet two
dollars. If I lose again, four dollars. Then eight. Then 16.
Any time I win, I immediately go back to betting a single
dollar.

"The result is that every time I win, be it on the first try
or the second or the fifth, I win a dollar. (Losing one dol-
lar, two dollars, four dollars, eight dollars and then win-
ning $16 is a net gain of one dollar.) Not much to you,
perhaps—and by now, hey, I just leave singles on the
table, use ‘em for scratch paper or toothpicks—but a
buck’s a buck (I actually smooth out their little creases
and lay them tenderly in my wallet) and with this system,
they just mount up hour after hour, night after night. End-
less dollars.

Ever so rarely you'll get such a long string of losers—
the roulette wheel will come up black so many times in a
row—that (A) you don’t have enough cash to keep the
system going or (B) you bump up against the betting limit
on the table (which is one of the reasons they have limits).
But other than that, you will surely win.

So here I am, minting money, the casino oblivious to the
syphon I've stuck in its fortune. Lose, win, win, win, lose,
win, lose, lose, lose, win, win, lose, lose, lose, win, lose,
lose, win, win—fine. My dollars mount. About 20 minutes
into all this I lose once, lose twice, and again and again—
this isn’t supposed to happen too many more times—and
again, and again; and now, facing my seventh bet in the
n, I'm up to serious money. Down $63 on the
sion and facing yet a further $64 hit, Pve entered
the Dostoievsky stage of America’s second favorite late-

night pastime. (“As I was going out of the casino,” The
Gambler recounts, “I looked—and there in my waistcoat
pocket was one surviving gulden. Ah, so I shall be able to
have dinner, 1 thought. But when I had walked about a
hundred paces I changed my mind and went back. . . .”)

The drama is heightened by the fact that beyond this
$64 I cannot go. The table limit is $500, but they don’t let
you bet your shoes and socks.

I take a deep breath—when you have to win, you
don’t—and put down 64 big ones on red. And it comes up
red. I have added yet another dollar to my hoard. I decide
it isn’t worth it.

And, of course, the odds are against you, because, by a
stroke of genius that long ago made the Roulette family
one of the very wealthiest in France, there are 37 little
clicky-slot things on a roulette wheel, not 36. The 37th,
technically known as 0 or snake eyes or merde, is neither
red nor black. It is the house edge. (In America, there are
two sets of zeros and twice the edge for the house.)

Even so, you will often win with this system at rou-
lette—but when you lose, you will lose big. It is, in fact,
the oldest system in the book. And if you can do it at
roulette, why not with stock options? The odds are less
precise, but the idea’s the same. Bet $500 on some
soon-to-expire Amerada Hess options and then, if you
lose it, bet $1000 the next time, $2000—you can imagine
the possibilities. For when an option does pay off, it can
pay off big.

Your broker, bankruptcy lawyer and bartender will all
love you, because the house take on each options bet—the
commission—is around ten percent; you are almost sure
to lose in the long run; and win or lose, you'll be buying a
lot of drinks.

OK, so this system doesn't work. But have you ever
wondered whether or not there arc any that really do?
Have you never had your emotions thrown into confusion
by a friend's confiding, “I’ve got this system, sec . . .”?

You wish to appear worldly, so part of you is saying,
“Sure, sure." But you аге, in truth, yearning to be let in on
the secret and, while doubting (continued on page 150)

145

WHY YOU MIGHT CONSIDER SPENDING
$1000 FOR A NEW FISHER HIGH FIDELITY os

TELEVISION RECEIVER.

Throwout everything you know
abouttelevision. Becausetelevision
as you krowitis obsolete

troducing Fisher High Fidelity
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Thebiggerthe picture, the easier itis
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That little gem of common sense was
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Thentheen an
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Qs the sharpestlensisthe wide-angle

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So ournewPC340 and PC320 High
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Atbroadcoststudios, video en-
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TVtoavideorecorder you were
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tion. When you use the Fisher High
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her FVH-840, your picture
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ur television receiver is playing

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E SET

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Instead of just one place to connect
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* Some cobie companies тол pay cable programma ш стб

тол} cefan chamek you lhovelouse cable carpany gpl
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That often ledto a significant fall-off

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e “video in’ and “video out" con-

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le set.

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o themin, hookthemup, and enjoy
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e Fisher RA6I9 stand was ally
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THE ULTIMATE EXPERIENCE.

2O QUESTIONS: TOM WATSON

america's Lop swinger addresses foul-weather fairways,
mad-malch yawning and the handicaps of women golfers

om Watson, a 14-year veteran of the pro-
T Jessional golf tour, is regarded as the nat-
ural successor to Arnold Palmer and Jack
Nicklaus. Perhaps the most consistently win-
ming player in the game today, Watson is a
six-time recipient of the annual Byron Nelson
Award for the most victories on the P.G.A.
Tour. His career wins include such major
tournaments as the U.S. Open and the Brit-
ish Open (five times) and the Masters (twice).
He is currently the second-ranking money
winner of all time; but then, he's only 35, and
golf is the proverbial sport for life. Warren
Kalbacker met with Watson at his home
course, the Kansas City Country Club, before
the start of the season. "It was a cold day and.
the links were deserted,” says Kalbacker. "But
Watson displayed top form in that other major
area of golf competition: clubhouse talk.”

prayuov: Does professional golf offer the
middle-class kid a chance to escape a life
in the suburbs and the inevitable career in
law, medicine or finance?
watson: The golfer’s percentage of winning
is not very good. In the modern сга, you
don't have the type of season where a
Byron Nelson can 18 tournaments out
in the money” and “top
ten" finishes, which are indicators of con-
sistency or good play. On the other hand,
you take a guy who finishes second all the
time and say that he's just not a winner.
Golf is too expensive for the average per-
son to play. 1 was very lucky. I grew up
playing at a country club. It was my play-
ground in the summer. Four or five
week, Га go out with my ca
clubs. I started with just a fiv
wood and a putter. Га take a baloney
sandwich with mc.

: Did you develop a hunger for
ion at an сапу age?

WATSON: I was always trying to beat my
older brother, and that's one reason |
became very competitive at the game. I
n't that good a player. But we had a
junior golf program and I went around to
arca country clubs to compete. "That's
when 1 first learned about nerves. My
father told me that anybody can be a good
player on his own golf course, but a really
good player can play other courses as well.

лувоу: Did your father encourage you to
learn golf because a lot of business deals

PHOTOGRAPHY BY BRIAN LANKER

are made on the back ninc?

WATSON: Golf lends itself to that. But I
wanted to play golf because he did. My
father was a very good player, and he
made it fun. He taught me the right way:
the grip, the way to hook the ball and slice
it. He got a big kick out of watching mc
mancuver the ball. Golf should be started
in the years when you're a very good
. lm a good putter and a good chip-
per, and those are the things I learned first.

PLAYBOY: Is straight shooting a highly over-
rated concept?

WATSON: A straight shot is usually a missed
hit. The essence of golf is the ability to
curve the ball the way you want it to go.
When you can work the ball one way or
another, you can play in windy conditions.
If you learn how to hook thc ball first, that
gives you an inside-out type of swing, and
then you can work from there— work back
to hitting the straighter shot. You have a
lefi-to-right wind and you can work the
ball from right to left—hook it—and the
ball actually ends up going pretty straight.
If you're a slicer and there's a left-to-right
wind, that wind accentuates the slice and
makes the ball go even farther to the right.
The slicer usually has inherent problems
with the timi Я

PLAYBOY: Did you want to be а professional
golfer when you grew up?
watson: I was definitely hooked, but it
wasn't an all-consuming type of thing. I
grew up in Kansas City, where it's cold in
the winter. 1 developed other athletic
interests—football and basketball. And I
was always an outdoors type of person.
My first three years at Stanford, I didn't
think 1 would be a golf professional. I
wasn't given a golf scholarship. But in my
senior ycar, I asked myself what was my
best talent, and my only real talent was golf.

ruavsow: Top golf pros blend rather well
into the general population. Do they share
some subtle physical characteristics

WATSON: It’s hard to pick out the ideal
body. You want somebody who's not par-
ticularly well built in the shoulders and
has a lot of muscle through the chest arca.
Strong legs are a must, because you have
10 have a firm foundation. Look at thc
great players: Jack Nicklaus isn't six fect
tall. Neither is Sam Snead. Ben Hogan's

5'8", Arnold Palmer 5'10%”. But 1 asked
Hogan if he thought there would cver be a
great 6'8" golfer. He said that a tall guy
will come along, develop a great golf swing
and hit the ball farther than anybody.

PLAYBOY: Golf isn't exactly fast-moving. Do
you play other sports to keep in shape?
watson: 1 keep in shape by practicing. I
ride a bicycle in the summer. I don't do a
lot of exercise in the winter. I like to hunt
birds. Swimming and tennis are two
country-club sports that have always been
taboo for golfers. Swimming stretches the
muscles and makes you too loose. The
serve in tennis—the overhand motion
with the right arm—is not a very good
motion in golf.

PLAYBOY: Do you ever get in some last-
minute practice putting into a glass on
your hotel-room carpet?

warsos: Sure. You can learn whether
you're pulling or pushing thc ball. Some
hotel rugs are impossible to putt. The Dal-
las rugs aren't too bad. San Diego's are
pretty good.

т.лувоү: Will you replay your favorite shot
for us?

warson: Twenty ог 30 years from now,
they're going to be asking me about that
chip on the 17th hole of the 1982 U.S.
Open. I hope that sometime in my career,
1 can top it. That was a miracle. 1 was
staring a bogey right in the face. It was a
very difficult shot, because my ball was on
a downward slope, which mcant that the
chip would have a lower trajectory; it
would hit the green harder and roll far-
ther, And I was hitting to a down slope
that steepened past the pin, so the ball
would roll pretty far if it got past the hole
and I would be faced with a difficult cight-
or ten-foot putt. Something happened
mentally that told me 1 was going to sink
it: 1 wasn't going to get close. I was gi
to sink it. | took a couple of practice
swings. When I addressed the ball, first I
g too far left. Right before the
shot, I adjusted — closed up, because I had
to play about a foot-and-a-half break. And
T hit the shot. When it hit the green, I
knew it was going to be near the hole.
About a foot away, | knew it was going
to go in. I knew it was going to hit the
It was just (continued on page 188)

149

PLAYBOY

150

SYSTEMS onion nce

“If hemlines are going up

so will the market.

Easy women, easy money—like that.”

that it could possibly amount to anything,
hoping that it might.

Systems abound in the financial market
place and range from the truly dumb (sell
stocks when the average number of sun-
spots per month exceeds 50) to the fairly
dumb (buy whatever is making new highs)
to the not so dumb at all (stay out of the
market in the first half of each Presidential
term, when most of the tough medicine
likely to be administered; go back in for
the second half). The not-so-dumb ones
might better be tagged with the more di
nified label “strategies.” Gamblers have
systems; investors have strategies. Not
that it necessarily does them much good.

The beauty of systems is that they elimi
nate the necd to think, reducing what
would otherwise be an extraordinarily
complex array of factors to something as
simple as: If hemlines are going up (a sign
of increased liberality), so will the market.
Easy women, easy money—like that. It's a
roundabout sort of indicator but more
fun to watch than the moncy supply.

PRESIDENTIAL CYCLI

Market Logic in Fort Lauderdale reports
that holding a representative basket of
New York Stock Exchange stocks in the
second half of each Presidential term from
January 1, 1960, through the end of 1980,
‘and cash in the other years, would have
netted you (before tax) better than 11
times your money. Compare this with
holding stocks in the first two years and
cash in the latter years. That back-assed
strategy, says Market Logic, would have
lost almost half your funds.

Longtime market observer Yale Hirsch,
publisher of the annual Stock Traders
Almanac, has tracked this phenomenon
back to 1832 and reports a net market а;
of 515 percent for owning stocks in the lat-
ter two years of cach Administration ver-
sus a piddling eight percent for the first
nore dividends

But will the pattern hold? It only sort of
did for Reagan's first term (1982 and 1983
were the good years, not 1983 and. 1984);
but does that mean you should sit out 1985
ig 1987 and 1988? Or u
an is the exception to the rule? Who
knows?

THANK GOD IT'S FRIDAY

If you could keep your commissions low
enough, you'd certainly want to buy stocks
or options three days before
"Thanksgiving, because on 31 of the past 32
Fridays afler Thanksgi the market
has risen. Last year the Dow jumped
18.78. In fact, Fridays generally tend to be

two or

a lot better than Mondays, and Market

Logic reports that the last trading day of

each month and the first four of the follow-
ing month form a highly favorable five-day
span. Not to mention the two days preced-
ing market holiday

If this sounds like hocus-pocus—the
reasons for it are subtle, at best—consider
this: Ignoring commissions and taxes, had
you bought the Standard & Poor's 500
Index at the beginning of each favorable
five- and two-day period, and sold at the
end, between December 30, 1927, and
December 30, 1975, Market Logic calcu-
lates that $10,000 would have grown to
$1,440,716 (not counting dividends).
Remaining fully invested throughout those
years instead of jumping in and out, the
$10,000 would have grown to a mere
$51,441. And jumping in and out
backward—buying when you should sell
and selling when you should buy—would
ave shrunk your $10,000 to $357. In other
tests after 1975 and involving real money,
the phenomenon has been confirmed.

Unfortunately, if vour broker charges
you two percent every time you buy or sell
a stock, the only millions generated by fol
lowing such a system will be his. Still, if
you're thinking of selling a stock, you
ht wait until the fourth or fifth trading
of the next month in the hope of a
extra few dollars on the trade. And if you
play the index options game—where you
can, indeed, bet on the S&P 500, the S&P.
100 or several other baskets of stocks, with
tively low commissions—these timing
hints should obviously be considered.

You might even add two more Market
Logic twists:

1. If the five- and two-day periods men-
tioned above begin on Mondays, ad:
your purch ne trading day to
the previous Friday (buy at the opening)
If they end on a Thursday, stretch them
out a day to sell at the close on Friday.

2. Adjust your options trading for the
knowledge that “if the market is up toda

i it closes strong in the final
єз], the odds are it will also be
up tomorrow; and if the market is down
today, the chances are better than even it
will be down tomorrow."

This is one of the few truc systems that
ht conceivably pay off, in the sense that
you might theoretically type up
rules for your broker to follow, work out an
xtra-low commission rate recognition
of all the trading you'll be doi throw a
few thousand dollars into the till and leave
for a 20-year trip to Alpha Centauri.

(For more information—little of it
cheap, none guaranteed to work— write to

ge of

Market Logic, 3471 North Federal High-
way, Fort Lauderdale, Florida 33306.)

ASIMPLE SYS

A genius ГЇЇ call Biff (obviously not his
name; in all of recorded time, there has
never been, nor ever shall there be, a gen-
ius named Biff) developed a simple system
for beating the options game. It had noth-
ing to do with doubling his bet after every
loss. Quite the contrary, it had to do with
winning most of the bets. “It’s easy," he
told me, as he ran an initial $400 stake up
to $18,000 in a matter of months. He tried
to describe it to me, but it never fully pen-
etrated my veil of skepticism, which is
why—lorgive me—I can't pass it on to
you. What 1 do know is that with the same
system in the months that followed, he
proceeded to lose the full $18,000, and
then some.

The worst thing that can befall any-

a game of chance—particularly one
like the options game that purports to in-
volve an element of skill—is early suc-
cess. It may actually lead him to
believe he’s found a way to make money.

It is for this reason that the slot
machines at the Las Vegas airport are
geared to pay out 140 cents on the dollar.
It is a savvy investment on the part of the
casino owners. They let you win a few
bucks while you're waiting for your
Vuittons, which gets you primed to do
some real gambling when you get to the
hotel. And when you straggle back out to
the airport a couple of thousand dollars
later, tossing your last few into the slots in
disgust while you wait for United to call
your flight, they let you win cab fare home.
That reawakens the spark for your next
trip. (None of this is true—as far as 1
know. It sure sounds plausible, though,
doesn’t it?)

FOR OPTIONS

oni

A MORE COMPLICATED ONE

I related the prior story, sans the Las
Vegas fantasy, to the Investment Club at
Harvard Business School. Afterward, a
student topped it. It seems he had run
$5000 into 8150,000 - we are beginning
to talk some serious money here—in five
days, using a system that linked Dow The-
ory (which tells you where the market's
headed by comparing the Dow Jones
industrial, transpor.
ages with their past highs) to the impor-
tant observation that T ledyne stock, then
in the 90s, was bi g through its
200-day moving average. Thus inspired,
he bought $5000 worth of fa
money Teledyne November calls, which is
a fancy way of saying he bet $5000 that the
stock would soar. Mirabile dictu, it did.

I began to take notes—forget PLAYBOY,
these were notes for me—when he smiled
and acknowledged that using the same
alytical tools over the subsequent year
a half he, too, had managed to give
all his winnings

(continued on page 202)

bac

PLAYBOY GUIDE

BEHIND HOW YOU
THE SCENES CAN GET .
AT MTV STEREO
VIDEO
TV TAPES:
FROM ROCK THE NEWEST:
HITS TO CD PLAYER,
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PLAYBOY GUIDE

THE
HOTTEST
TICKET
IN TOWN

right in your living room, here

comes home theater

YOU CAN start. melting the butter now. This
story is going to make you and Orville
Redenbacher very happy. Way back in the
late Forties, when growing families hud-
dled around small boxes that looked like
radios with strange windows in the front—
back when the highlight of a night's enter-
tainment was watching a man juggle
plates—mosi s thought that was as
good as that new thing called te
nice little novelty.
y fuzzy picture quality and
with the sound coming out of a threc-inch
speaker, that newfangled box would never
be able to rival the movic-thcater or con-
cert experience. And for a very long time,
the detractors were right. IF you just.
wanted to watch something, you turned on
the TV. Ifyou wanted to experience some-
thing, you had to buy a ticket.
ven as TV got bigger screens, color
and more sophisticated programing, the
movies came back with wider s ns,
Dolby Stereo Surround Sound and fabu-
lous epics dripping with expensive special
effects. Would television counter? Could
television counter? Could that special feel-
ing of the theater experience ever really be
brought into the home? Well, do we have
some good news for you. It’s time to break
out the popcorn and the Raisinets. Your
g room is about to become а lifelike
stage for everyone from Kathleen Turner

This is abaut os state of the art os it gets.
Sony's KV-25XBR 25-inch monitar/receiver con
integrate with an audio/video entertainment
system or, with its awn speakers, go solo for
room-filling sterea sound, $1200; aptianal
SU-171 pedestal stand with foot-switch con-
trals, $200. We've patched Panasonic's
PV-9600 VHS hi-fi VCR, which slides aut of a
tabletop docking unit to become o partable
deck. The four-heod system has two-week/
eight-event progrommobility, ane-tauch re-
cording, 17-function remate cantrol, $1350.

PHOTOGRAPHY BY DON AZUMA.

to Tina Turner. And this new home the.
ter won't necessarily cost you a fortune.

"The best place to start is the sound. A
three-inch mono speaker just can't do jus-
tice to Star Wars or Indiana Jones. Act
ally, it’s surprising how much you miss
even on ordinary TV programs. A good
speaker system (or two) will reveal highs
and lows you didn't know were there and
will significantly improve the intelligibil-
ity of dialog. The casiest way to add speak-
ers is to route the TV sound through your
sterco system. If you have one of the new
monitor/receivers—with audio and video
input and output jacks—or a separate
monitor and TV tuner (à la Sony's
Profeel), you just plug the audio outputs
into a set of auxiliary or tape inputs on
your receiver or amplifier. Failing that,
you can use the audio outputs on your
VCR and set its tuner to the channel
you're watching to get the sound through
your audio system. Many VCRs are still
mono only, though. If yours is among
them, you will probably want to use a Y
adapter to run the signal to both channels
of your amp or receiver. It’s not true
stereo, but it’s good sound.

Ifyou have neither monitor/receiver nor
VCR, you still alternatives. A Y
adapter with one leg terminating in a min-
iature phone plug and the two others in
pin (phono) plugs can route the output of
a TV headphone jack to your amp. The
total investment required for this scheme
is just a few dollars. An altogether different
approach is to put (concluded on page 164)

Here, to add to your living room's box-office
oppeal: Conon's Canovision 8 complete 8mm
system includes the VC-200A autofocus com-
ero, neor right ($1000), the ultraminioture
VR-E10 VCR ($900) ond the VT-EIO tuner/
imer ($300), both for right. The Conon
system rests otop Infinity's VRS-1 self-
powered shielded loud-speokers. They're
designed for a 19- or 25-inch video monitor
ond have o built-in stereo omplifier (60 wotts
per channel), $750 per pair. At center, top to
bottom: The Aphex 6000 surround-sound
decoder, when hooked up to on amplifier ond
rear speakers, reproduces stereo sound trocks
with theoterlike dramo, $799. Denon's
AVC-500 oudio-video control center, os o
switcher, handles three video ond four oudio
sources; and for enhonced TV sound, there's o
five-bond grophic equolizer, stereo synthesizer
circuits ond a built-in surround-sound generator
for reor-chonnel speokers, $350. RCA's
VKT-700 tobletop VHS hi-fi VCR boosts five

leo heads for freeze frome ond single-frome
advonce, an eight-event-progrommoble timer
and 133-channel tuner. $1350. JVC's R-X500
100-wott receiver with wireless remote pro-
vides the perfect home-theoter-component
complement, $650. Digital TV is finolly here.
Toshibo's CZ-2094 20-inch with remote has
computer processing thor enobles you to moni-
tor two programs simultaneously and even
freeze the action. There are built-in circuits
for decoding stereo TV broodcasts, $1300.

y my
car stereo
backwards.

My car stereo dealer told me if you want clean,
clear accurate sound— choose your speakers
first. Because if the speakers can't handle
it, you won't hear it. No matter what kind of
sound your receiver pulls in.

Then he told me: Jensen?

If you want to hearit the way they played it,
choose Jensen speakers first. Jensen invented
car speakers in the first place. And they're
leader today. Simply because they know
howto deliver the goods.

Naturally | got a Jensen receiver to go
with my Jensen speakers. Great team,
designed to play best together Makes sense
Makes great sound, too. | want to hear
it all, With Jensen, | do.

JENSEN

When you want it all.

PLAYBOY GUIDE

NOW
PLAYING

the very latest in video software

By DAVID HAJDU

ALL YOU SEE аге video tapes everywhere
Video stores are now morc common than
salad bars. They're even renting and sell-
ing software in supermarkets. And you
can't tell the players without a score card
So here it is: an early tip sheet on the best
of the newest in home video.

The hottest category: music videos—
most with the stereo sound of Beta or VHS
hi-fi. One of the most promising in the
works is a mix of music and conversation
called Transit Ostende, with Marvin Gaye.
At first scheduled from Sony Video Soft-
ware, then withdrawn, the program will be
coming out as soon as a label is firm. What
matters are the man and the music,
including / Heard It Through the Grape-
vine, What's Going On and Inner City Blues
(but not Sexual Healing). Among the new
releases on the Sony roster: a (арс from the
hit dance band Cameo and nine weird
songs from Siouxsie and the Banshces.

Warner Records is developing a new
music-video line intended for acts too eso-
teric for conventional labels, such as the
multimedia performance artist Laurie
Anderson and the funk eggheads Talking
Heads.

From high art to high tech, the first two
video programs with fully digital sound
tracks аге on the way from Pioneer Artists.
"Thoy'll be video laser discs of concerts by
Al Jarreau and Kool and the Gang. Their
performances are ideal showcases for thc
clarity and range of digital sound. Also en
route on laser discs from Pioneer: Lionel
Richie (in a clip collection including All
Night Long, Hello and Penny Lover),
Madonna (Like a Virgin and beyond),
Chaka Khan, David Bowie, John Cougar
Mellencamp, Bryan Adams, Саю
Barbieri and Randy Newman

Other good music news: a unique Doors
retrospective with "new" old footage, from
MCA.

On the hotter side of rock, Playboy's
Girls of Rock & Roll is ready in a made-for-
video cassette from Playboy Video (CBS/
Fox). Directed by David Winters, the

mavtov's sizzling Girls of Rock & Roll.

"rockumentary" (featured in an April
1985 rLavaov pictorial) is a special pre-
miere for a group of rising voung female
rockers, seen in new, original PLAYBOY vid-
cos, as well as in live performances and in
intimate, personal profiles.
Made-for-video programs are also
slated from Bill Cosby, in his first concert
tape (CBS/Fox), and from Michael
Nesmith, in a collection of not-quite-
ready-for-network-TV bits from his music-
comedy series Television Parts (Pacific
Arts). Episodes from the wild Second City
TV comedy series will definitely come out
this year, though a few companies are
squabbling over the rights. Another series,
the vintage Night Gallery, is scheduled for
tape release from MCA—but not all epi-
sodes will appear. The Steven Spiel-
berg-direcied “Eyes” show, with Joan
Crawford, is scheduled; but Spielberg's
other Night Gallery effort, "Make Me
Laugh,” is not. Even Death Valley Days,
with host Ronald Reagan, is on the way for
late "85. The first film biography of the
President, Reagan's Way, is intended for
midyear release from Pacific Arts.
Directed by Daniel Selznick, David O.'s
grandson, the bio includes clips from Rez-
gan's movies (including A Turkey for the
President), as well as excerpts from
speeches throughout his political carcer.
Naturally, movies galore will be re-
leased, notably George Cukor's delicious
Dinner at Eight (MGM/UA); Ken Rus-
sell’s controversial Crimes of Passion (New
World); Hitchcock's innovative Rope
(MCA); the instant cult classic (just add
blood) A Nightmare on Elm Street (Media);
the Clint Eastwood- Burt. Reynolds City
Heat (Warner); and Doctor at Sea
(VidAmerica), with Dirk Bogarde and

Brigitte Bardot

There are also some great undiscovered
gems lingering among the look-alike titles
on video-store shelves. Any of the follow-
ing is guaranteed to offer a special
surprise:

* The Adventures of Ozzie and. Harriet
(International Historical Films). There
are a lot of O and H tapes, but this onc,
from 1956, is funny—and it features an
unknown Mary Tyler Moore.

e Best of the Big Bands (Video Yester-
ycar). Truly great swing from Benny
Goodman, Gene Krupa, Count Basie,
Harry James, Frank Sinatra.

e The Best of the Big Laff-Off (Karl)
Ignore the tite—hysterical, very сапу
performances by Eddie Murphy and
Robin Williams.

* The Black Music Video Special (Pen-
guin). Brilliant, all-time-classic jazz from
Duke Ellington, Fats Waller, Louis Arm-
strong, Lena Horne.

* Bloopers #1 (Western Film & Video)
The credits don't say so, but this features
rare outtakes of actor Ronald Reagan,
including an unusual scene involving his
pants fly

* Colgate Comedy Hour (Budget). An
absolute must for music connoisseurs, with
Frank Sinatra at his prime and composer
Harold Arlen in an extremely rare per-
formance of his pop standards.

* Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis Television
Party (Budget). The only available record
of Martin and Lewis doing what made
them great—just winging it

© Dizzy Gillespie (Flower Films). Not
only wonderful music but a moving docu-
mentary by the incomparable Les Blank
(Burden of Dreams)

* Early Elvis (Video Yesteryear). The
King earns his crown in his first three TV
shots—on Stage Show, The Steve Allen
Show and The Ed Sullivan Show. Ten
songs.

* An Evening with Robin Williams (Par-
amount). Although a big hit as an HBO
special, this release includes a substantial
amount of material that could never make
it on TV—even cable.

* The Funmer Side of Eastern Canada
(Independent United Distributor). A bet-
ter title: Steve Martin's first TV special,
from 1974. A treasure.

e Game Show Program II (Shokus)
With no credits on the box, this features
the legendary Ernie Kovacs, hosting his
show Take a Good Look.

Finally, we want to reveal what's proba-
bly the greatest of all home-video secrets
Sports fans, sit down and take a deep
breath. You can actually order your own
customized tapes of season highlights for
virtually any year from almost any pro
baseball tcam. Just call or write to Major
League Baseball Productions, 1212 Ave-
nue of the Americas, New York, New York
10036, 212-921-8100. Tell them what you
want and they'll give you a price. Why not
buy the Cleveland. Indians? Someonc
should.

157

PLAYBOY GUIDE
SURE SHOTS

this season's electronic hit parade

If you're charting hor items, put a bullet next to each of these.
From left: TIC's Dialess Ill telephone can call a number automati-
cally from a single-word command. You say "Mom," it rings your
mother. It can recognize four voices and will store up to 80 num-
bers and key words. For privacy, there's a hidden manual dial,
$299. Yamaho's modernistic B-2X power amplifier delivers 170
watts of Class A power per channel. Dual monaural construction
ensures excellent channel separation and special circuitry almost
eliminates distortion, $1500. N.F.L. Films’ Super Bow! Chronicles
is a three-cassette video collection with in-depth highlights from
the first 18 championship games, $200. Panasonic's OmniMovie,

a complete video-recording system in a compact seven-and-a-
half-pound package, is one of the first camcorders to use
standard-size VHS cassettes. The battery-powered camera is
equipped with a 6:1 power zoom lens and a half-inch Newvicon
Pickup tube. A built-in electronic view finder gives you instant
review capability, $1600. Akai's PJ-33 portable music system
operates on batteries or AC power, is equipped with a four-band
radio and a Dolby cassette deck (for playback and recording),
has inputs for a turntable or a CD ployer and has two removable
speakers, $300. Sony's CDP-650ESD compact-disc player has a
redesigned laser tracking mechanism to take you to any selec-

Z \
i M ИШ

tion on a disc in less than a second. The unit's shuffle-play func-
tion can continuously play cuts in random order, $1200,
including remote control. The Luxor Mark 2 satellite-TV receiver is
capable of extracting everything available from a back-yard
dish antenna. Fully remote, it offers great audio and video per-
formance, $888; remote sensors $90 each. NEC's PC-8401A
briefcase computer weighs just four and three fourths pounds,
е, 80-character LCD display and has а 300-baud
lem and both serial and parallel interfaces. Its 64K
memory isexpandable to 96K with a snap-in cartridge. It has built-
in word-processing, spread-sheet and filing programs, $999.

PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD IZU

PLAYBOY GUIDE
Vj Day

behind the scenes with the

stars of miv

MARK GOODMAN

The macaw is Dr. McCoy. It shares the
apartment with Mark and his wife, Carol
Miller, a top New York disc jockey. Mark
used to be a d.j. before he changed media
to become a v.j. He keeps his VCR in the
bedroom, with the television. In the den,
one wall is lined with records—more than
2000 of them, from Bryan Adams' latest to
an old orange-vinyl 45 of the Mickey Mouse
Club March. “That's when Annette had
cars," Mark says.

The center of his stereo system is the
sleck and techy Bang & Olufsen 5000,
complete with remote control. The sp
ers are giant Advents. "They're 15 years
old and still working well," he says. “But I
think it’s time for new ones. They seem to
be making them a lot more compact these
days. And speaking of compact, that's del-
initely the next thing I'm going to get—a
compact-disc player. The sound on them
is really phenomenal. And since Carol and
I keep to ourselves a lot, music isa big part
of our personal lives. It's such a great

to relax." On the stereo, Bryan Adams
is restless. On the floor, Mark couldn't be
more mellow

INA BLACKWOOD

She's the sexy one with the great voice
and the wild hair (apologies to Mark
Goodman). Before she started working as

video jockey, Nina spent some time in
Hollywood. You may have seen her in Vice
Squad or in One from the Hearl. Right now,
though, she's at the heart of rock `n’ roll—
such a hot cable personality that Saturday
Night Live saw fit to do a send-up of her
And what does Nina do when she's not on
MTV? “I watch MTV," she says. “Music
videos arc a growing art form, and it takes
a lot of time to keep up with it all. PI ev
go on some video shoots when I can. I'm
fascinated by the business. I recently spent
a lot of time watching Cyndi Lauper put
together her latest

And her home life? “I have so many
records, they've taken over my apartment
Of course, it is a pretty small apartment
I'd like to get a VCR, but I just don't have
the room. At this point, I guess I could say
that music is life. One of my favorite
places to listen to it is my car. But I have a
small problem. I have a wonderful car
stereo system, but I don't have a car. Пей
my MG in L.A. That’s showbiz.”

PHOTOGRAPHY BY E.J CAMP

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PLAYBOY GUIDE

J. J. JACKSON

еза reason the Boss is on J.].'s TV
screen. When he was a reporter for ABC-

les, Jackson conducted the
nterview with Springsteen.
‘n’ roll never forgets

When he's not taping his week of MTV
segments (seven days’ programing is
recorded in five), he gets out and about in
New York—some night-cubbing, some
concerts. Mostly, he's a music man.

“L have a Sony Walkman that I take
everywhere,” he says. “Us indestructible
Once, when 1 was with The Rolling Stones
in Japan, I dropped it onto hard concrete
at the airport. No problem. It played on.”

At home, in an apartment he shares
with his Akita (that’s a dog, not a Japa-
nese sterco), he has a Marantz quadra-
phonic system, "I'm still not sure why
quad never really made it," he says. “It
m
just

so much sense to me at the time. I
ured myself sitting in the middle of
my living room, surrounded by Led Zep-
pelin. 1 thought it would be fantastic to
hear Jimmy Page coming out of one
speaker and. Robert Plant out of another.

Oh, well, you can't win them all.”

HOLLYWOOD GOES VIDEO

You say they don't make great movies
anymore. You're probably right. But they
do make great music videos. Here's a
handful of Hollywood directors whose best
work can now be seen on MTV:

Brian De Palma (Body Double, Carrie,
Scarface) directed Bruce Springsteen's
Dancing in the Dark.

Sam Peckinpah (The Wild Bunch, Straw
Dogs) directed Julian Lennon's Valotte and
Too Late for Goodbyes

John Landis (Animal House, The Blues
Brothers) directed The Making of Michael
Jackson's Thriller

Tobe Hooper (Poltergeist, Texas Chainsaw
Massacre) directed Billy Idol's Dancing
with Myself

William Friedkin (The Exorcist, The French
Connection) directed Laura Branigan's
Self Control.

Bob Rafelson (Five Easy Pieces, The King

of Marvin Gardens) directed Lionel
Richie's All Night Long.
And our sources at Video Insider, the hot
idustry newsletter, tell us that. Federico
himself may be making a video with
Boy George. La dolce mondo bizarro.

ЖИ VI EARS.
7, RE

ILLUSTRATION BY SEYMOUR FLEISHMAN

JM \

NT М.

PLAYBOY

164

Hottest TICKET

(continued from page 154)

“Of course, sound is by no means Ihe entire story of

home theater. Picture quality is also important."

the sound source right into the receiver. A
full-blown example is Jensen's AVS-1500
au leo receiver, which incorporates a
complete cable-ready TV tuner for use
with a separate monitor and high-fidelity
loud-speakers. More modest (but appro-
priate if you want to use a conventio
television set) are Technics’ three
video receivers, with audio-
ТУ tuners. All four of these products come
outfitted for mono-TV reception, but they
also have multiplex output jacks for con-
necting an external stereo-TV decoder
box, so when stereo TV comes to your
neighborhood, you'll be ready for it.
What if putting your audio and video
systems together doesn't make sensc—il
one has to go along one wall, the other
along another, or if you want your mi
video setup in the bedroom? No problem.
"The same tricks can help you create a ded-
icated audio svstem for your video gear.
‘This has been greatly simplified by the
recent introduction of powered video
speakers from such companies as Infinity,
NAD and Proton. These snuggle right up
against your monitor or TV ser and take
line-level signals from its audio outputs or
carphone jack. Amplifiers built into the
speakers provide the necessary power.

Infinity's models arc particularly interest-
ing because their height can be adjusted to
match that of your TV set or monitor—a
unique feature so far and one that doesn’t
wreak havoc with your decor.

Passive nonpowered video speakers also
are available from the same companies, as
well as from B&W, Polk, Boston Acous-
ties, Jensen and Frazier. (Many monitors
and monitor/receivers come with speakers
of some sort, but they are ofien not up to
component quality.) These require exter-
nal amplification from an audio amp, a
receiver or the small power amplifiers
built into most monitor/receivers, What
distinguishes video spcakers from audio
rs, by the way, is that they are mag-
netically shielded to prevent picture dis-
tortion. You can use regular hi-fi speakers,
but if you don't want to look at people
with blue faces, keep them a couple of feet
away from the screen.

As good an idea as high-fidelity TV
sound is, the main attraction of good audio

optical video discs (laser discs) and hi-fi
video cassettes, which are capable of bet-
ter reproduction than anything short of a
digital compact disc, much less stereo TV
(whose sound quality is somewhat below
that of FM radio). Feature films on these

"On the bright side, Edgar, at least you know you're
nol paranoid.”

what it can do for the sound tracks of

media take on an impact that simply has
to be heard to be believed.

The latest VCRs and video-disc players,
together with good speakers, can take you
most of the way there, but to get it all, you
need Surround Sound. All Dolby Stereo
ilms have surround tracks that normally
go along for the ride when the transfer is
made to disc or tape. (They can also be
carried by stereo TV broadcasts.) These
surround channels can be extracted with

m appropriate decoder and routed to
speakers at the sides or back of the room.
Their ellects can range from more realistic
ambience to helicopters flying over your
head. Decoders are available from SSI
(Surround Sound, Inc.), Aphex, Fosgate,
Audionies and Pioncer, and there is reason
to believe that some manufacturers will
begin building the necessary circuitry into
their itor/reccivers.

OF course, sound is by no means the
entire story ol home theater. Picture qual-
ity is also important. Here, too, help is on
the way. Improved picture tubes and
advanced video circuitry are providing
clearer, sharper images, with more accu-
rate color than ever before. This is most
apparent in component monitors and
monitor/receivers, but the technology
pioncered in these premium products
gradually trickles down to lower-priced
equipment. VCRs are undergoing a simi-
lar evolution. Later this year, the first
Super Beta decks will hit the stores, offer-
ing 20 percent higher video resolution than
conventional decks without any loss of
compatibility. This still is not as good as
what you can get from broadcast or laser
discs, but it is a clearly visible improve
ment. And don't worry if you already have
a heavy investment in VHS: Manufactur-
ers allied to that format are hard at work
оп a similar system.

Other fascinating developments are on
the horizon. Toshiba, Zenith and perhaps
others will introduce the first digital televi
sion sets thi
ing signal and convert it to digital codes,
which can then be manipulated to en-
hance the picture and provide special f
tures and effects. Among the possibilitic
are freeze frame, the ability to zoom in on
any selected portion of the picture, small
inset displays for monitoring channels
other than the one you actually are ch-
ing and ghost cancellation. Eventually,
such sets will be able to interpolate addi-
ional scanning lines, creating a smoothe
picture with higher subjective resoluti
This will be especially beneficial for large-
sereen projection TV, which now can be
noyingly grainy at short range. Di
enhanced projection TV combi
üdelity Dolby Surround
nd and high-resolution video sources
could revolutionize the way we think
about television—and redefine the rel
tionship between video and the movies

once ag
[x]

year. These take the incom-

Stereo

“I didn't hear anything from him after the war, and
didn’t want to, but I assumed he was still alive."

and jumped down beside him

Fazio was rolling around, eyes wild,
Kicking at the ground in terror and agony
I put my elbow on his chest to hold him
still and pried with both hands at the thing
on his face. Getting it loose was like pull-
ing a second skin off him, but somehow I
from his lips far
vnsym—I think

managed to lift it a
enough for him to gasp.
it's synsym- "

“No, man, it's just some nasty fish,” 1
told him. “Hang in there and TI rip the
rest of it loose in half a minute —

Fazio shook his head in anguish.

"Then the
transparent stulf snaking up out of it and
nostrils, and I knew

I saw two thin strands of

pearing into hi
as right.

I didn't hear anything from him or
about him after the end of the war. and
didn't want to, but I assumed all along
that Fazio was still alive. I don't know
why; my faith in the general perversity of
the universe, I guess

The last I had seen of him was our final
day on Weinstein. We both were being

invalided out. They were shipping me to
the big hospital on Daemmerung for rou-
tine desporification treatment, but he was
going to the quarantine station
Quixote; and as we lay side by side in the
depot, me on an ordinary stretcher and
Fazio inside an isolation bubble, he raised
his head with what must have been a t
ble effort and glared at me out of eye:
already were ringed with the red concen-
tric synsvm circles, and he whispered
something to me. 1 wasn't able to under-
stand the words through the wall of his
bubble, but I could feel them, the way vou
feel the light of a blue-white sun from half
a parsec out. His skin was glowing. The
dreadful vitality of the symbiont within
him was already apparent. I had a good
notion of what he was trving to tell
"You bastard," he was most likely trying
to say. "Now I'm stuck with this thing for
a thousand years. And I'm going to hate
you every minute of the time, Chollie.”

Then they took him away. They sent
him floating up the ramp into that
Quixote-hound ship. When he was out of
view, I felt released, as though I were com-

that

me.

ing out from under a pull of six or seven
gravs. It occurred to me that 1 wasn't ever
going to have io see Fazio again. I
wouldn't have to face those reddened eyes,
that taut, shining skin, that glare of infinite
reproach. Or so I believed for the next ten
y

. until he turned up at Betelgeus
Station

A bolt out of the blue: There he was.
suddenly, standing next to me in the recre-
ation room on North Spoke. It was just
after my shift, and 1 was balancing on the
rim of the swimmer web, getting rcady to
dive. ;hollic?" he said calmly. The voice
was Fazio's voice: That was clear, when I
stopped to think about it a litle later. But
I never for a moment considered that this
weird, gnomish man might be Fazio. 1
stared at him and didn't even come close
to recognizing him. He seemed about
7.000.000 years old, shrunken, fleshless,
weightless, with thick, coarse hair like
white straw ge, soft, gleaming
translucent skin that looked like parch-
ment worn thin by time. In the bright light
of the rec room, he kept his eyes hooded
ncarly shut: but then he turned away from
the glow-globes and opened them wide
enough to show me the fine red rings
around his pupils. The hair began to rise
along the back of my neck

“Come on,"
Yeah. Yeah."

The voice,
eyes—the e

and s

he said. "You know mc.

he cheekbones, the lips. the
5, the eyes, the eyes. Yes, |

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PLAYBOY

166

knew him. But it wasn't possible. Fazio?
Here? How? So long a time, so many light-
years away! And yet—yet——

He nodded. “You got it, Chollie. Come
on. Who am 1?”

My first attempt at saying something
was a sputtering failure. But I managed to
get his name out on the second try

“Yeah,” he said. "Fazio. What a sur-
prise."
He didn't look even slightly surprised. I

think he must have been watching me for a
few days before he approached me—

casing me, checking me out, making cer-
tain it was really me, getting used to the
idca that hc had actually found me. Other-
the amazement would surely have

wise,
been showing on him now. Finding me—
finding anybody along the starways—
wasn't remotely probable. This was a
coincidence almost too big to swallow.
new he couldn't have deliberately come
after me, because the galaxy is so damned
big a place that the idea of setting out to
scarch for someone in it is too silly even to
think about. But somchow he had caught
up with me anyway. If the universe is truly
afinite, Î suppose, then even the most
wildly improbable things must occur in it
a billion times a day.

I said shakily, “I can't believe”

"You can't? Hey, you better! What a

surprise, kid, hey? Hey?" He clapped his
hand against my arm

“And you're look-
ing good, kid. Nice and healthy. You keep
in shape, huh? How old are vou now,
thirty-two?"

“Thirty.”
fear.

“Thirty. Mmm. So am I. Nice age, ain't
it? Prime of life."

“Fazi

His control was terrifying. “Come on,
Chollic. You look like you're about to crap
in your pants. Aren't you glad to see your
old buddy? We had some good times
together, didn't we? Didn't we? What was
the name of that fuckin’ planet? Weinberg?
Weinfeld? Hey, don't stare at me like that!”

I had to work hard to make any sound
at all. Finally, I said, “What the hell do
you want me to do, Fazio? I feel like I'm
looking at a ghost.”

He leaned close and his eyes opened
wider. 1 could practically count the con-
centric red rings, ten or of them, very
fine lines. “I wish to Christ you were," he
said quietly. Such unfatho
uch searing intensity of hatred. I
wanted to squirm away from him. But
there was no way. He gave me a long, slow,
crucifying inspection. Then he eased back,
and some of the menacing intensity
seemed to go out of him. Almost jauntily
he said, “We got a lot to talk about,
Chollie. You know some quiet pl
around here we can go?”

“There's the gravity lounge"

“Sure. The gravity lounge.”

We floated face to face, at half pull.

"You promised vou'd kill me if | got

] was numb with shock and

able depths of

'azio murmured. "That was our
‚ Chollie? Why

nailed,”
deal. Why didn’t you do
the fuck didn't you do it?"

1 could hardly bear to look into his red-
ringed eyes.

“Things happened too fast, man, How
was I to know paramedics would be on the
scene in five minutes?”
ive minutes is plenty of time to put a
heat bolt through a guy's ches

“Less than five minutes. Three. Two.
‘The paramedic floater was right overhead,
man! It was covering us the whole while.
They came down on us like a bunch of
angel
“You had time.
“I thought they were going to be able to

so quickly.”

Fazio laughed harshly. “They (to
he Il give them credit
Five minutes and I was on that
floater and they were sending tracers all
over me to clean the synsym goop out of

my lungs and my heart and my liver.”
Sure. That was just what I figured
they'd do.

You promised to finish me off, Chollie,
if I got nailed.

“But the paramedics were right there!”

“They worked on me like sonsabitches,
he said. “They did everything. They can
clean up the vital tissues; they can yank
ош your organs, synsym and all, and stick
in transplants. But they can't get the stuff
out of your brain; did you know that? The
synsym goes straight up your nose into
your brain and it slips its tendrils into vour
meninges and your neuroglia and right
into your fucking corpus callosum. And
from there it goes everywhere, The cere-
bellum, the medulla; vou name it. They
can't send tracers into the brain that will
clean out synsym and not damage brain
tissue. And they can't pull out your brain
nd give:you a new one, either. Thirty
onds after the synsym gets into your nose,
reaches your brain and it’s all over for
you, no matter what kind of treatment you
get. Didn't you hear them tell you that
when we first got to the war zone? Didn't
you hear all the horror stories?
1 thought they were just horror sto-
ries," I said faintly.

He rocked back and forth gently in h
gravity cradle, He didn't say anythin:

“Do you want to tell me what it’s 1
ed after a while.

Fazio shrugged. As though from a great
distance, he said, “What its like? Ah, it's
not all that goddamned bad, Chollic. It's
ke having a roommate. Living with you
your head, forever, and you can’t br
the lease, That’s all. Or like having
ou can't sera i
finding yourself trapped in a space that's
ly one centimeter bigger than you are
all around and knowing that you're going
10 stay walled up in it for a million ye
He looked off toward the great clear wall
of the lounge, toward giant red Betelgeuse

ке?”

blazing outside far away. "Your synsym
talks to vou, sometimes. So you're never
lonely, you know? Doesn't speak any lan-

guage you understand, just sits there and

spouts gibberish. But at least it's com-
ny. Sometimes it makes you spout gib-
especially when you badly need to
make sense. It grabs control of the upper
brain centers now and then, you
And as for the autonomic centers, it docs
any damned thing it likes with them. Keys
into the pain zones and runs little simula-
tions for you—an amputation without
anesthetic, say. Just for fun. Its fun, Or
you're in bed with a woman and it discon-
nects your erection mechanism. Or it gives
you an erection that won't go down for six
weeks. For fun. It can get playful with your
toilet training, too. 1 wear a diaper,
Chollie; isn't that sweet? I have to. I get
drunk sometimes without drinki Or I
drink myself sick without fecling a thing.
And all the time, I feel it there, tickling
me. Like an ant crawling around within
my skull. Like a worm up my nose. It's
just like the other guys told us when we
went out to the war zone. Remember?
“Kill yourself fast, while you have the
chance.” I never had the chance. I had
you, Chollie, and we had a deal, but you
didn't take our deal seriously. Why not,
Chollic?”

I felt his eyes burning me. I looked
away, halfway across the lounge, and
caught sight of Elisandra's long golden
hair drifting in free float. She saw me at the
same moment and waved. We usually got
together in here this time of night. I shook
my head, trying to warn her off, but it was
too late. She was already heading our
way.

“Who's that?"
friend?”

A friend."
Nice,” he said. He was staring at her
as though he had never seen a woman
before. “1 noticed her last night, too. You
c together?"

We work the same shift on the wheel.”
Yeah. | saw vou leave with her last
night. And the night before.”

How long have you been at the station,
Fazio?"

"Week. Ten days, maybe."
me here looking for me?"

Just wandering around,” he said. “Fat
disability pension, plenty of time. I go to a
places. That's a really nice woman,
Chollie. You're a lucky guy." A was
popping on his cheek and another was get-
ting started on his lower lip. He said,
"Why the fuck didn't you kill me when
that thing jumped mc?

“1 told you. 1 couldn't. The paramedics
were on the scene too fast.”

"Right. You needed to say some Hail
Marys first, and they just didn't give you
enough time.”

He was implacable. I had to strike back
at him somehow or the guilt and shame
would drive me crazy. Angrily | said,
“What the hell do you want me to tell you,

Fazio asked. “Your girl-

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168

Fazio? That I'm sorry I didn't kill you ten
years ago? OK, I'm sorry. Does that do
any good? Listen, if the synsym's as bad as
you say, how come you haven't killed your-
self? Why go on dragging yourself around
with that thing inside your head?

He shook his head and made a little
muffled grunting sound. His face abruptly
became gray, his lips were sagging. His
eyeballs seemed to be spinning slowly in
opposite directions. Just an illusion, 1
knew, but a scary one.

“Fazio?”

He said, 'hollallula
cholla. Billillolla.”

I stared. He looked frighte
looked hideous

“Jesus, Fazio!"

Spittle dribbled down his chin. Muscles
jumped and writhed crazily all over his
face. "You see? You see?" he managed to
blurt. There was warfare inside him. I
watched him trying to regain command. It
was like a man wrestling himself to a fall. I
thought he was going to have a stroke. Bur
then, suddenly, he seemed to grow calm.
His breath was ragged, his skin was mot-
ded with fiery blotches. He collapsed into
himself, head drooping, arms dangling, He
looked altogether spent. Another minute
ог two passed before he could speak. I
didn’t know what to do for him. I floated
there, watching. Finally, a litte life
scemed to return to him

“Did you sce? That's what happens,"

lillalolla looli-

he gasped. "It takes control. How could I
ever kill myself? It wouldn't let me do

“Wouldn't let you?”

He looked up at me and sighed wearily
“Think, Chollic, think! It's in symbiosis
with me. We aren't independent organ-
isms.” Then the tremors began again,
worse than before. Fazio made a desperate
furious attempt to fight them off —arms
and legs flung rigîdly out, jaws working—
but it was useless. “Iilallomba!” he yelled.
“Nullagribba!” He tossed his head from
side to side, as if trying to shake off some-
thing sticky that was clinging to it. “If I—
then it—gillagilla! Holligoolla! Y can't—l
can’t—oh— Jesus— Christ —

His voice died away into harsh sputters
and clankings. He moaned and covered his
face with his hands.

But now I understood.

For Fazio, there could never be any
escape. That was the most monstrous part
of the whole thing, the ultimate horrifying
twist. The symbiont knew that its destiny
was linked to Fazio's. If he died, the sy
biont would also; and so it could not allow
its host to damage himself. From its scat in
Fazio's brain, it had ultimate control over
his body. Whatever he tried—jumping off
a bridge, reaching for a flask of poison
picking up a gun—the watchful thing in
his mind would be a step ahead of him,
always protecting him against harm.

A flood of compassion welled up in me,
and I started to put my hand comfortingly

on Fazio's shoulder. But then 1 yanked it
back, as though I were afraid the symbiont
could jump from his mind into mine at the
slightest touch. And then I scowled and
forced myself to touch him afier all. He
pulled away. He locked burned out

“Cholli
beside us. She floated alongside, long-
limbed, beautiful, frowning. “Is this pri-
vate, or can I join you?"

1 hesitated, fumbling.

Elisandra said, coming up

1 desperately

wanted to keep Fazio and Elisandra in sep-
arate compartments of my life, but I saw
that I had no way of doing that

“We

were—well—just that

“Come on, Chollie,” Fazio said in a
bleak, hollow voice. “Introduce your old
war buddy to the nice woman.”

Elisandra gave him an inquiring glance
She could not have failed to detect the
strangeness in his tone.

1 took a deep breath. “This is Fazio,” I
said. “We were in the Servadac camp
together during the Second Ovoid War.
Fazio—Elisandra. Elisandra's a traffic-
polarity engineer on the turnaround
wheel; vou ought to see her at work, the
coolest cookie you can imagine——

“An honor to meet you," said Fazio
grandly. “A woman who combines such
beauty and such technical skills—1 have
to вау—1—1——” Suddenly he was fal-
tering. His face turned blotchy. Fury
blazed in his eyes. “No! Damn it, no! No
more!” He dutched handfuls of air in

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some wild attempt at steadying himself.
“Mullagalloola!” he cried, helpless. “Jilla-
bongbong! Sampazozozo!” And he burst
into wild, choking sobs, while Elisandra
stared at him in amazement and sorrow.

“Well, are you going to kill him?” she
asked.

It was two hours later. We had put Fazio
to bed in his litle cubicle over at Transient
House, and she and I were in her room. I
had told her everything

1 locked at her as though she had begun
to babble the way Fazio had. Elisandra
and I had been together almost a year, but
there were times I felt 1 didn't know her at
all.

"Well?" she said.

"Are you serious?"

"You owe it to him. You owe him a
death, Chollie. He can't come right out
and say it, because the symbiont won't
allow him to. But that's what he wants
from you."

I couldn't deny any of that. Га been
thinking the same thing for at least the
past hour. The reality of it was inescapa-
ble: I had mufled things on Weinstein and
sent Fazio to hell for ten years. Now I had
to set him free.

“If there was only some way to get the
symbiont out of his brain

“But there isn't."

No,” I said. “There isn’t.”

“You'll do it for him, won't you?”

"Quit it,” I said
“I hate the way he
“You think I don't?”

“And what about you? Suppose you fail
him a second time. How will you live with
that? Tell me how.”

“T was never much for killing, Ellie. Not
even Ovoids.""

"We know that," she said. “But you
don't have any choice this time.”

I went to the little glow-globe she had
mounted above the sleeping platform and
hit the button and sent sparks through the
thick coiling mists. A rustle of angry colors
swept the mist, a wild aurora, green, pur-

‚ yellow. After a moment I said quietly,
“You're absolutely right.”

“Good. I was afraid for a moment you
to crap out on him again."
no malice in it the way she
said it. All the same, it hit me like a fist. 1
stood there nodding, letting the impact go
rippling through me and away.

At last the reverberations seemed to die
down within me. But then a great new
uneasiness took hold of me and I said,
“You know, it's totally idiotic of us to be
discussing this. I'm involving you in some-
thing thats none of your business. What
we're doing is making you an accomplice
before the fact."

Elisandra ignored me. Something was in
motion in her mind, and there was no
swerving her now. “How would you go
about it?” she asked. “You can't just cut

suffering, Cholli."

someone's throat and dump him down a
isposer chute.”

“Look,” I said, "do you understand

that the penalty could be anything up

She went on, “Any sort of direct physi-
cal assault is out. There'd be some sort of
struggle for sure—the symbiont’s bound
to defend the host body against attack—
you'd come away with scratches, bruises,
worse. Somebody would notice. Suppose
you got so badly hurt you had to go to the
medics. What would you tell them? A bar-
room brawl? And then nobody can find
your old friend Fazio, who you were seen
with a few days before. No, much too
isky.” Her tone was strangely business-
like, matter-of-fact. “And then getting rid
of the body—that’s even tougher, Chollic,
getting fifty kilos of body mass off the sta-
tion without some kind of papers. No des-
tination visa, no transshipment entry

Even a sack of potatoes would have an out
invoice. But if someone just vanishes and
there's a fifty-kilo-short balance in the
mass totals that day——"

Quit it," I said. “OK?”

"You owe him a death. You agreed
about that."

“Maybe I do. But whatever I decide, I
don't want to drag you into it. It isn't your
mess, Ellie."

"You don't think so?" she shot right
back at me.

Anger and

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together in Elisandra's tone. I didn't feel
like dealing with that just now. My head
was pounding. 1 activated the pharmo arm
by the sink and hastily ran a load of relax-
ants into myself with a subcute shot. Then
I took her by the hand. Gently, trying
hard to disengage, I said, “Can we just go
to bed now? Га rather not talk about this
anymore,"

Elisandra smiled and nodded. “Sure
she replied, and her voice was much
softer

She started to pull off her clothes. But
after a moment, she turned to me, trou-
bled. *I can't drop it just like that,
Chollie. It's still buzzing inside me. That
poor bastard." She shuddered. “Never to
be alone in his own head. Never to be sure
he has control over his own body. Waking
up in a puddle of piss, he said. Speaking in
tongues. All that other crazy stuff. What
did he say? Like fecling an ant wand
around inside his skull? An itch you can't
possibly scratch?"

“I didn't know it would be that bad,” I
said. “I think 1 would have killed him
back then, if 1 had known."

“Why didn't you anyway?"

“He was Fazio. A human being. My
friend. My buddy. I didn’t much want to
kill Ovoids even. How the hell was I going
to kill hi

“But you promised to, Chollie.”

“Let me be,” I said. “I didn't do it,
that's all. Now I have to live with that."

“So docs he,” said Elisandra.

1 climbed into her sleep tube and lay
there without moving, waiting for her.

“So do 1,” she added after а litle
while.

She wandered around the room for a
time before joining me. Finally, she lay
down beside me, but at a slight distance. I
didn't move toward her. But eventually
the distance lessened, and I put my hand
lightly on her shoulder, and she turned to
me.

An hour or so before dawn, she said, “1
think I sec a way we can do it."

We spent a week and a half working out
the details. I was completely committed to
it now, no hesitations, no reservations. As
Elisandra said, I had no choice. This was
what I owed Fazio; this was the only way I
could settle accounts between us.

She was completely committed to it,
too: even more so than I was, it sometimes
seemed, I warned her that she was need-
lessly letting herself in for major trouble in
case the station authorities ever managed
to reconstruct what had happened. It
didn't seem needless to her, she said.

T didn’t have a lot of contact with him
while we were arranging things. It was
important, I figured, not to give the sym-
s. I saw Fazio practically
of course—Betelgeuse
isn "tall that big—olf at a distance, staring,
glaring, sometimes having one of his weird

fits, climbing a wall or shouting incoher-
ently or arguing with himself out loud; but
generally I pretended not to sce him. At
times I couldn't avoid him, and then we
met for dinner or drinks or a workout in
the rec room. But there wasn’t much of
that.

"OK," Elisandra said finally. “I've
done my part Now you do yours,
Chollie."

Among the little services we run here is
a sight-sccing operation for tourists who
feel like taking a close look at a red giant
str. After the big stellar-envelope
research project shut down a few years
ago, we inherited a dozen or so solar sleds
that had been used for skimming through
the fringes of Betelgeuse’s mantle, and we
began renting them out for three-day
excursions. The sleds are two-passenger
jobs without much in the way of luxury
and nothing at all in the way of propulsion
systems. The trip is strictly ballistic: We
calculate your orbit and shoot you out of
here on the big repellers, sending you on a
dazzling swing across Betelgeuse's outer
fringes that gives you the complete light
show and maybe a view of 10 or 12 of the
big star’s family of planets. When the sled
reaches the end of its string, we catch you
оп the turnaround wheel and recl you in.
It sounds spectacular, and it is; it sounds
dangerous, and it isn't. Not usually, any-
how.

I tracked Fazio down in the
lounge and said.
for you, man."

The sled I had rented for him was called
the Corona Queen. Elisandra routinely
handled the dispatching job for these
tours, and now and then I worked as
wheelman for them, though ordinarily I
wheeled the big interstellar liners that
used Betelgeuse Station as their jumping-
off point for deeper space. We were both
going to work Fazio's sled. Unfortunately,
this time there was going to be a disaster,
because a regrettable little error had been
made in calculating orbital pol and
then there would be a one
failure of the redundancy circuits.
sled wasn't going to go on a tour of Betel-
geuse's far-flung corona at all. It was going
to plunge right into the heart of the
red giant star.

I would have liked to tell him that as wc
headed down the winding corridors to the
drop-dock. But I couldn't, because telling
Fazio meant telling his symbiont also; and
what was good news for Fazio was bad
news for the symbiont. To catch the filthy
thing by surprise—that was essential.

How much did Fazio suspect? God
knows. In his place, I think I might have
had an inkling. But maybe he was s
with all his strength to turn his mind away
from any kind of speculation about the
voyage he was about to take.

"You can't possibly imagine what it's
like," I said. “It's unique. There's just
no way to simulate it. And the view of.

gravity
“We've arranged a

"Perhaps this one, sir.

171

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WORKS LIKE A SINGLE MOVING PART.

Betelgeuse that you get from the station
isn't even remotely comparable."

“The sled glides through the corona on
fi of vaporized carbon,” said
ght off its
surface.” We were chattering compul-
sively, trying to fill every moment with
talk. "You're completely shielded, so that
you can actually pass through the atmos-
phere of the star
^ I said, “Betelgeuse is so
big and so violent that you're more or les
inside its atmosphere no matter where you
are in its system”

“And then there are the planets,”
Elisandra said. “The way things are lined
up this week, you may be able to sce as

many as a dozen of them-
“Otello, Falstall, Siegfried, maybe
Wotan—”

“You'll find a map on the ceiling of your

“Five gas giants twice the mass of
Jupiter—keep your eye out for Wotan,
that’s the one with ring ——"

“And Isolde, you can’t miss Isolde,
she’s even redder than Betelgeuse, the

damnedest bloodshot planet imagi-
nabl a
“With cleven red moons, too, but you

won't be able to see them without
ters.

“Otello and Falstaff for sure, and I think
this week's chart shows Aida out of occul-
tation now, too"

“And then there's. the
ی‎

“The asteroids; that's where we think a
couple of the planets collided after gravita-
nal perturbation of ——"

and of com-

solar flares —

“Here we are,” Elisandra said.

We had reached the drop-docl
us rose a gleaming metal wall. Elisa
activated the hatch and it swung back to
reveal the little sled, a sleck, tapering, frog-
nosed thing with a low hump in the mid-
dle. It sat on track: bove it arched the
coils of the repeller-launcher, radiating at
the moment the blue-green glow that indi-
cated a neutral charge. Everything was
atic. We had only to put Fazio on
board and give the station the signal for
launch; the rest would be taken care of by
the у
had previously keyed їп.

“It's going to be the trip of your life,
man!” ] said.

Fazio nodded. His eyes looked a little
glazed and his nostrils werc flaring.

Elisandra hit the prelaunch control. The
sled's roof upened and a recorded vo
out of a speaker in the drop-dock cei
began to explain to Fazio how to get inside
and make himself secure for launch-
ng. My hands were cold, my throat was
dry. Yet I was very calm, all things consid-
ered. This was murder, wasn't i? Maybe

so, technically speaking. But I was finding
other names for it. A mercy killing; a bal-
ancing of the karmic accounts; a way of
atoning for an ancient sin of omission. For
him, release from hell after ten ycars; for
me, release from a lesser but still acute
kind of pain.

azio approached the sled's narrow
entry slot.

t a second," | said. I
by the arm. The account wasi
balance yet.

‘hollie- isandra said.

I shook her off. To Fazio I said, “There's
one thing 1 need to tell you before you
go."

He gave me a peculiar look but didn't
say anything.

1 went on, “I've been claiming all along
that I didn't shoot you when the synsym
got you because there wasn’t time, the
medics landed too fast. TI ort of true,
but mainly it’s bullshit. I had time. What
1 didn’t have was the guts.”

“Chollie- Elisandra
There was an edge on her voice.

“Just one more second,” I told her. I
turned to Fazio again. “I looked at you, I
looked at the heat gun, 1 thought about
the synsym. But I just couldn't do it. I
stood there with the gun in my hand and I
didn't do a thing. And then the medics
landed and it was too late—I felt like such
io, such a cowardly shit”
ning blotchy. The
lazed weirdly in his

ght him
"1 quite in

id again.

“Get him into the sled!” Elisandra
yelled. "It's taking control of him,
Cholliet"

“Oligabongaboo!” Fazio said. "Unga-
bahoo! Flizz! Thrapp!”

And he came at me like a wild man.

I had him by 30 kilos, at least, but he
damned near knocked me over, Somehow
Т managed to stay upright. He bounced off
me and went reeling around, and
Elisandra grabbed his arm. He kicked her
hard and sent her Aying, but then I
wrapped my forearm around his throat
from behind, and Elisandra, crawling
across the floor, got him around his legs so
we could lift him and stuff him into the
sled. Even then we had trouble holding
him. Two of us against one skinny, burnt-
out, ruined man, and he writhed and
tw nd wriggled about like something
diabolical. He tched, he kicked, he
elbowed, he spat. His eves were fiery.
Every time we forced him close to the
entryway of the sled, he dragged us back
away from it. Elisandra and I were grunt-
ing and winded, and I didn't think we
could hang on much lo This wasn't
Fazio we were doing battle with, it was a
synthetic symbiont out of the Ovoid labs,
iously trying to save itself from a fiery
death. God knows what alien hormones it
pumping into "s blood stream.
God knows how it had rebuilt his bones

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PLAYBOY

and heart and lungs for greater efficiency.
If he ever managed to break free of my
grip, I wondered which of us would get out
of the drop-dock alive.

But all the same, Fazio still needed to
breathe. I tightened my hold on his throat
and felt cartilage yielding. I didn't care. I
just wanted to get him into that sled, dead
or alive, give him some peace. Him and
me both. Tighter—tighter——

Fazio made rough, sputtering noises and
then a thick, nasty, gargling sound.

*'You've got him," Elisandra said.

“Yeah. Yeah.”

I clamped down one notch tighter yet,
and Fazio began to go limp, though his
muscles still spasmed and jerked franti-
cally. The creature within him was still
full of fight; but there wasn't much air get-
ting into Fazio's lungs now and his brain
was starving for oxygen. Slowly Elisandra
and I shoved him the last five meters
toward the sled—lifted him, pushed him
up to the edge of the slot, started to jam
him into

A convulsion wilder than anything that
had gone before ripped through Fazio's
body. He twisted half around in my grasp
until he was face to face with Elisandra,
anda bubble of something gray and shiny
appeared on his lips. For an instant, every-
thing seemed frozen. It was like a slice
across time for just that instant. Then
things began to move again. The bubble
burst; some fragment of tissue leaped the
short gap from Fazio's lips to Elisandra's.
The symbiont, facing death, had cast forth
a piece of its own life stuff to find another
host. “Chollie!” Elisandra wailed, and let
go of Fazio and went reeling away as if
someone had thrown acid in her eyes. She
was clawing at her face. At the little flat,
gray, slippery thing that had plastered
itself over her mouth and was rapidly pok-
ing a couple of glistening pseudopods up
into her nostrils. I hadn't known it was
possible for a symbiont to send out ofi-
shoots like that. I guess no one did, or
people like Fazio wouldn't be allowed to

annie & albert

walk around loose.

I wanted to vell and scream and break
things. Е wanted to cry. But I d t do
any of those things.

When 1 was four ycars old, growing up
on Backgammon, my father bought me a
shiny little vortex boat from a peddler on
Maelstrom Bridge. It was just a toy, a
bathtub boat, thoug] had all the stabi-
lizer struts and outriggers in miniature.
We were standing on the bridge and |
wanted to sec how well the boat worked,
so I flipped it over the га
Of course it was swept out of sight at once.
Bewildered and upset because it didn’t
come back to me, I looked toward my
father for help. But he thought I had flung
his gift into the whirlpool for the shcer hell
of it, and he gave me a shriveling look of.
black anger and downright hatred that I
will never forget. I cried half a day, but
that didn't bring back my vortex boat. I
wanted to cry now. Sure. Something gro-
tesquely unfair had happened, and 1 felt
four years old all over again, and there was
nobody to turn to for help. 1 was on my

into the vortex.

own.

I went to Elisandra and held her for a
moment. She was sobbing and trying to
speak, but the thing covered her lips. Her
face was white with terror and her body
was trembling and jerking crazily

"Don't worry," | whispered.
time, I know what to do."

How fast we act when finally we move. I

“This

got Fazio out of the way first, tossing him,
or the husk of him, into the entry slot of
the Corona Queen as easily as though he
had been an armload of straw. Then I
picked up Elisandra and carried her to the
sled. She didn't really struggle, just
twisted about a little. The symbiont
didn't have that much control yet. At the
last moment, I looked into her eyes, hop-
ing I wasn't going to see the red circles in
them. No, not yet, not so soon. Her eyes
were the eyes I remembered, the eyes I
loved. They were steady, cold, clear. She
knew what was happeni

g- She couldn't

speak, but she was telling me with her
eyes, “Y s, go ahead, for Christ's sake
go ahead, Chollie!

Unfair. Unfair. But nothing is ever fair,
1 thought. Or else, if there is justice in the
universe, it exists only on levels we can't
perceive,
place where everything is evened out in the
long run but the sin is not necessarily
atoned by the sinner. 1 pushed her into the
slot down next to Fazio and slammed the
sled shut. And went to the drop-dock's
wall console and keyed in the departure
signal and watched as the sled went sliding
down the track toward the exit hatch on its
one-way journey to Betelgeuse. The red
light of the activated repellers glared for
а moment, and then the blue-green
returned. I turned away, wondering if the
symbiont had managed to get a piece of
elf into me, too, at the last moment. I
waited to feel that tickle in the mind. But I
didn't. I guess there hadn't been time for it
to gct us both.

And then, finally, I dropped down onto
the launching track and let myself cry.
And went out of there, after a while, silent,
numb, purged clean, thinking of nothing
at all. At the inquest six weeks later, I told
them I didn't have the slightest notion why
Elisandra had chosen to get aboard that
sled with Fazio. Was it a suicide pact? thc
inquest panel asked me. I shrugged. “I
don't know,” I said. “1 don't have an
goddamned idea what was going on in
their minds that day.” Silent, numb,

in some chilly macrocosmic

purged clean, thinking of nothing at all.
.

So Fazio rests at k the blazing heart
of Betelgeuse. My Elisandra is in there
also. And I go on, day after day, still work-
ing the turnaround wheel here at the sta-
i ing in the stargoing ships that
sing past the fringes of the red
giant sun. I still feel haunted, too. But it
"t Fazio's ghost that visits me now, or
even Elisandra's—not now, not after all
this time. I think the ghost that haunts mc
is my own.

by = Michael Leonard

Wx awk ru
— JUST STAY m

Thank Dad for believing you were very special
every step of the way.

Johnnie Walker”
Black Label Scotch

YEARS {12 OLD

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MORE TASTE continued fiom page 128)

features. Gretzky's performance doesn't
deserve to be called that. Whereas I can
remember something about what Larry
Bird says [see sidebar, page 128 J, 1 can't
remember anything about Gretzky's onc
line—“It makes the great shots simple" —
which is a sad commentary on his sales-
manship, I suppose.

«eı: Gretzky doesn't really have а bad
line that makes him look foolish, but it's a
lackluster line. Gretzky still seems a little
young and unformed as a product spokes-
man. He's unsure of himself. It reminds
me of that great line describing somebody
who was very uncomfortable in front of a.
camera: “He looks like a rabbit caught in
the glare of headlights.”

MERLIN OLSEN FOR
FTD PICK-ME-UP BOUQUETS

EBERT: Despite the bizarre fact that there's
a guy hiding inside a locker, the com-
mercial does make me remember the
flowers—the Pick-Me-Up Bouquet. Apart
from that, it’s all too forced and contrived
Haven't I seen Merlin Olsen in The Wil-
derness Family Takes a Shit or something?
SISKEL: I like the commercial a lile more
than you do. First of all, it makes me laugh
out loud, which is pretty rare for a com-
mercial, The idea of the unseen, sulking
giants being humiliated enough to hide
inside a locker is cute. Olsen is a very con-

ncing spokesman, even though he may
seem an odd choice to sell flowers. But it
works nicely to have him say, in effect,
“Hey, guys, I know you think it's sissified
to concern yourself with flowers, but look
at me, a veritable Dick the Bruiser, a for-
mer Los Angeles Ram. | can send
flowers—it's OK—and you can, too." My
only problem is the very end. 1 would have
had the guy come out of the locker, look at
the flowers and say, “Gee, thanks." Some-
thing sweet and a little more memorable.
They would have had a classic.

EVONNE GOOLAGONG (AND FAMILY)
FOR GERITOL

siskEL: Evonne Goolagong s accent is hard
in the long
shot where she says her lines, her eves
seem to be darting and it looks as il
she's reading. Of course, thats death.
clearly uncomfortable and, as a
result, it's not an easy commercial to
watch. Moreover, because of her discom-
fort here, her real family looks like just
another phony television family
ENERT: At the end, she is asked a question
and her husband comes into the frame and
answers it. 1 dont know why he felt he had
to spcak for her. She can answer her own
— especially when it's her com-
. The entire setup is phony. This
might have worked if it had been pr
sented in a more confessional way: "I'm
and I've got a secret

Evonne Goolagon
i г blood."

DICK BUTKUS AND BUBBA SMITH (AS POLO
PLAYERS) FOR LITE BEER FROM MILLER

EBERT: I like the whinny and the splash at
the end. I'm a little confused by the burst
of laughter from the background at the

punch line, “1 sure hope those horses can
swim." It seems badly timed and hard to
believe. But then, when Butkus looks over
his shoulder with a forced grin and a little
shrug, he's almost telling us, Yes. the
laughter is supposed to be badly timed
and the extras who are paid to laugh on
cue aren't doing a good job. So there is a
satirical edge. The laughter is either bad
or good, depending on how you look at it
sISKEL: The tag line or, if you will, tag
splash makes this commercial. The laugh
ter is a beat late, but I think it's actually a
mistake. I'm impressed with Smith and
Butkus as performers. They're using their
natural awkwardness very well. It melds
beautifully. They lean back and are just
fine. This is a terrific casting situation

JIMMY CONNORS FOR PAINE WEBBER

tennis player and an investor, I'm riveted
by the situation: Jimmy Connors, a hero of
mine, is playing on the floor of the New
York Stock Exchange—and getting beaten
by a guy coached by a Paine Webber bro-
ker. It’s absolutely beguiling to watch. If
the commercial were two minutes long, I
would keep watching. 1 like sceing balls
bouncing off the stock monitors. At the
same time, 1 know it's a fraud.
money investments are really serious and
this commercial is extremely absurd. The
strongest sell is the close-up of Connors at
the end, where he says, “What do I have
to do? Open up a Paine Webber account?”
Thats very good, because we all know
he's making a ton and, therefore, if he's
thinking about Paine Webber, maybe we
should, too. But this is preposterous, With
Connors, you don't need to create theater
EBERT: Apart from the fact that it's a bad
cial the situation gives me too

because

comme
much to think about that has nothing to do
with investing. | wonder how they made
the commercial. It was obviously made at
night, when the Stock Exchange is closed.

and all of the people along the side lines

are extras, and while they're cheering for
Connors, somebody is neglecting my
account, and Pin losing untold millions,
because instead of placing my trades,
they're watching this jack-off jump
around. By the end of it, the last thing I
want to do is entrust my money to any
compa "s going to spend it to pro-
duce a commercial like this. As for
Connors, he delivers only that one line,
h, though he docs it in a very natural
‚ comes too late to be effective.

BOB UECKER (IN THE BASEBALL STADIUM)
FOR LITE BEER FROM MILLER

siske: 105 another cute spot in Uecker's
continuing series as Mr. Baseball, the
failed athlete. He developed the character
through his appearances on The Tonight
Show, Now, flying on his own here, he han-
dles center stage very well, Is a nice act-
1g job. For people who know this guy's
you feel you're in on the joke from
the start. As with the early comedy mov-
ies, you watch as the braggart gets his hat
knocked off in the end. In terms of analyz-
g the acting, think about it: If Uecker
fails any step of the way, the commercial
doesn't work. But he's flawless.
ener: Pd give it about two and
stars, I'm just not moved. I don't know
why he's sitting all by himself in the upper
stands. He could have gotten a better scat
than that. I know I'm not supposed to
think of it on a literal level, but I do.

SUGAR RAY LEONARD AND
SUGAR RAY, JR., FOR CARNATION
SUGAR-FREE HOT COCOA MIX

siske: They make a beguiling pair. We
question how good they are as
actors—the boy, for instance, has a little
trouble with his lines—but they are
charismatic people, and secing a legiti-

can

two

commercial world is populated by too
many phony fathers and sons—kids who
are so genetically dissimilar to their par-
ents that you suspect there was a lightning
storm when the conception took placc. So
we grasp for anything that smacks of real-
ity. The Sugar Rays arc a good endorsing
tcam

EBERT: [ agree; this commercial sells me
Carnation Sugar-Free Hot Cocoa Mix in a
very elficient and memorable I think
the acting is just fine. Sugar Ray Leonard
seems to be relaxed and to be a very el
tive presenter in terms of speaking through
a camera to the folks at home. As for his
kid, he seems y Kidlike to me, and that's
the quality that you want.

JULIUS "DR. J" ERVING WITH
BILL "DR. C” COSBY FOR COCA-COLA

Julius Erving Wm. H. Соул.
Ph.D.

EFERT: I like this a whole lot. I's charming,
it has a funny idea and some wit behind it
Erving and Cosby are effective salesmen
here: They're having fun and enjoying
themselves on behalf of a silly product.

mean, despite what Coca-Cola believes,
when it produces commercials showing a
Coke bottle with all of America behind it
the stuff doesn't make for profound subject
matter. But this ad makes me feel good
about Coke and about the two doctors.

siskeL: You obviously have two very
appealing guys up there. Dr. J scems a lit-
de uncomfortable—he forgets to look at

Cosby when he's speaking—but I realize
that this isn't a natural setting for him. 1
have a hunch that if they tried it a couple
more times, the spot could have kicked
nto higher gear. As it stands, it’s a great B
commercial; but I know that within these
two guys, an A commerci: 1 sug-
gest that Coke use them again.

BODYBUILDER LORI BOWEN WITH
RODNEY DANGERFIELD FOR LITE BEER
FROM MILLER

sısker: First of all, any commercial with
Rodney Dangerfield is going to work. At
the same time, I must tell you that I really
enjoy hearing Lori Bowen's Southern
voice. Commercials arc—as are the
national media —dominated by Midwest-
ern and Eastern Seaboard voices. What's
refreshing about this commercial is her
accent, which makes me think of Sissy
Spacek's or Debra Winger's. I have good
feelings toward that voice of hers, even
though I had never heard of her before
secing this spot
EBERT: It's funny and effective. But if
you're going to have a woman bodybuilder
as an endorser, you're going to have a lot
of curiosity among the folks at home as to
what her body looks like. The commercial
doesn't go far enough in using her raw
materials. It should have been shot in a
tropical-resort setting, where it would be
natural for her to wcar a top that allowed
us to see her arms. In this commercial,
putting a long-sleeved blouse on Bowen is
the equivalent of putting a mask on
Dangerlield's face. Unlike you, Gene, I do
know who Bowen is. I have scen pictures
of her without her shirt on, and she has a
fabulous body that looks not at all freak-
sh. Therefore, the spot would have
worked better if we'd been able to see her
muscles.
1 think that we can safely say that this
PLAYBOY round table is now concluded on a
à discussion of whether or
off her shirt

PLAYBOY

178

How loLive with Another

(continued from page 122)

“Even if you live with another person, if youre in
flames, you still may have to douse yourself out.”

a big.

the room.

crumbs in his

restaurants, you may not have garbage.
So get down for garbage.

Cleanest guy in
e fingernails, no

FIDELITY

There's been a lot written about how
having a couple of affairs now and then can
ventilate a relationship; you return home
as a richer and less tense person, р
on to the O.P. such benefits
breathing and tickling wi
ble with an old cheerle
meaningless romp with a roomful of hook-
ers. But it just isn't so. A good rule is to
bite the bullet and put the tension into the
relationship. A person who is seething
with a need to have an af
spirited and fascinau
besides, not hav
right in step with the religious fervor that's
sweeping the nation.

Take the long view. After all, once
you've rolled around with some hot little
junior exec, what are you really left with
except some pathetic memories of how
nice it was and how you'd like to do it

as lide

ard. If you cat in a lot of

again as fast as possible? And what is that,
really, in the great spectrum of experi
ence? Better to slink home and face life the
way it really is. And it's less expensive.

TRUST
The other side of fidelity. If the O.P.
expresses a need for a little fresh air,
there's no reason to have that individual
tracked with advanced laser devices to see
if something's amiss. Upon the O.P.'s
return, a few sharp questions will let you
know if there's been any fooling around

PRIV.

x
The fact that you're living with someone
doesn't mean you've forfeited all right to
privacy. The O.P. has every right to a
tle, too. These periods are terribly impor-
tant. How else can you build the strength
to go on living together? And lack of space
is no excuse. Even in a tiny apartment, a
small space can always be cordoned off,
th a canvas thrown over the privacy
secker, if necessary. In an emergency, you
or the O.P. can sit in the building lobby.
Respect that privacy, too. It won't do to
stand around with folded arms, saying,

“Га appreciate it, Sir Guy, if you would mind your
own falcon business!"

“Are you through with your privacy yet?”

FIGHTS

Let them happen. They are an essentia
part of living together. Of course. there is
no need to let them get out of h; and
turn into a whole burning-bed scene. A lit-
Че light verbal abuse can often get you by
very nicely. And it's essential to put an
end to the hostilities before bedtime. In
that way, you can be fresh and rested for
another go, first thing in the morning.

SEX

Just because you live with someone, it
does not mean that you own that individ-
ual. Let's say you're in the mood for an
evening of oral sex. The O.P. may feel like
only a couple of hours’ worth. These
things happen. There may have been a
death in the family. Or a graphically
depicted famine on TV. Again, we're talk-
ing about a separate individual whose sen-
sual needs may diverge from yours. There
will be a time when the O.P. will simply
not want to impersonate an accident vic-
tim. Or dress up as Madam Curie. Don't
just storm out, say vo nipple torture
tonight? Fine. But there are plenty of fish
in the sea." Be patient. With a little tact
and understanding, you'll get your Curie
freak-out.

DONT ASSUME ANYTHING

A wise rule in the great game of living
together. Let's say you're down with the
flu. Reason dictates that the O.P. will Aufl
up your pillows and bring you buckets of
tea. Don't count on it. Though worthy and
humanistic in other areas, the O.P. may
simply not like sick people. This same indi-
vidual may be a generous contributor to
dengue-lever research—and at the same
time prefer not to be around dengue-fe
victims. The same principle holds true
when you're on fire. The О.Р. may not be
able to offer assistance. Indeed, the O.P.
may be just as wrecked as you are. It's a
sad and ironic fact that even if you live
with another person, if you're in flames,
you still may have to douse yourself out.

IS IT WORTH Ir?

together, finally, requires enor-
mous patience and selfi on the part
of at least one individual. Someone is
always trying to squirm out of thc arrange-
- And it's tremendously expensive,
because of duplication. You're liable to
come home with a Toyota only to find that
the O.P. has already bought one. The
same for mouthwash. But is it worth it?
Absolutely. No longer will you find your-
self hollering your grievances and betray-
als to the four walls. The O.P. will be right
there beside you, recording your
dissatisfactions, so that they will not be
lost to future generations. In turn, the
O.P. will receive the richest of rewards: a
chance to sce and hear the real you. That
alone should make it worth the trip.

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In 1968, the muscle car was king
And the king of the muscle cars was
the Shelby American GT 500.

Now! Bring
back the most
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The Shelby American GT
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Frorn the mind and hand of the
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428 cubic inches of V-8. 360
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Those magical days of road-rip-
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You can build a detailed, precisely scaled model of the Shelby
American GT 500. And discover a fascinating new hobby.

No special skills are needed to recreate the
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ing lo the one piece, 10-spoked cast aluminum
wheels

This is not a toy. This is a collector-quality
model composed of carefully crafted metal,
rubber, multi-colored plastic and chromed
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ute details.

Tiny springs are included for working sus-
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Working headlights are included (you supply
the batteries) with a Switch located at the gas
tank. And an 8-page instruction booklet takes
you through all 189 parts of this amazing kit 0
a perfect finish.

To make building your model as much fun as
owning the finished product, we've put
together an offer that's as loaded with special
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With your Shelby American GT 500 kit
we're going to include a Testor Plastic Model
Finishing Center (No. 9160) that contains
everything you'll need to finish your model:
cement, precision gluing tips, contour putty,
hobby knife, brushes, sanding films, 11 bottles
of flat enamel paint, a bottle of thinner, drop
cloth, and a mixing storage tray—the works!
And we'll add a can of high gloss spray paint

for the body.
We'll also include a 176-page

“Моде! Car Handbook" —a step-
by-step guide that gives you
hands-on advice and building
tips— sort of like having an ex-
perienced chief mechanic at your
elbow as you assemble your
GT 500.
But perhaps best cf all, your
price for everything—the kit,

fools, paints, materials, and bcok—is just
$39.95. If you bought everything separately
you'd spend almost $60.00, but we're offering
it to you at such substantial savings as part of
the Shelby-American Sweepstakes promotion
you'll read about on the adjoining page.

To order your Shelby American GT 500 |

kit, plus tools, paints, materials, and book, just
fill out and mail the attached coupon.

Or, for fastest service on credit card
orders, call toll-free

24 hours a day/seven days a week.
(In Nebraska, call 800-642-8300, ext. 36.)

Receive FREE
a 116-page, full-color catalog of
other MODEL EXPO kits to
build, plus а wide selection of
pre-assembled collectible
models you can buy. Sports cars
and classics, die cast metal and |
plastic. This $3 value is YOURS
FREE when you order the Shelby
kit offered here.

Bonus! Along with your order
you'll receive an Official Entry Package con-
taining 5 Lucky Tickets to the Model Expo
Shelby-American Sweepstakes. It's Your
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MODEL EXPO, INC.
23 Just Road, Fairfield, NJ 07007

Finished model measures
a lull 12” long.

All you have to do is enter Model

Expo's SHELBY-AMERICAN
SWEEPSTAKES.

The car that could be yours is

one of the very few GT 500s ever fitted

with the 427 V8. The Standard Catalog of

American Cars reports only 1140 Shelby
American GT 500 fastbacks were produced in
1968, and of those perhaps as few as 25 had
the high winding, race-bred 427 engine.

We have one, and we're giving it away.
This all original, metallic green beauty has
been restored to top mechanical and cosmetic
condition. It's ready to drive away. And you
Could be behind the wheel. But to win it—first
you have to enter the Model Expo Shelby-
American Sweepstakes. Don't pass up a
chance to owna very special piece of automo

Why are we giving you so many chances to win
valuable prizes? Simply to introduce you to the
| most valuable prize of all—the enjoyment and
satisfaction of one of the world's most reward-
| ing hobbies: building and collecting scale
models of the fantastic automobiles that have
Stirred and stimulated drivers over the decades.
With your Entry Package, we'll include а
Catalog showing many of the auto kits and fully
| built collectibles you can acquire—to start ог
expand your hobby—all at ‘special SWEEP-
STAKES PRICES. You'll also receive special DIS-
COUNT STAMPS offering additional savings on
selected models and Kits.

You don't have to buy anything to enter our
Sweepstakes. But we have a feeling that once
you get a look at our model cars and car kits,
you might want to anyway. That way. even il you
don't win the Shelby-American GT 500, you'll
Still come out ahead.

Don't delay. Return the coupon today to
receive your Official Entry Package and 5 Lucky
Tickets to the Model Expo Shelby American
Sweepstakes

completely satisfied return
within 30 days
for full refund.

Wina
Sweepstakes! full size GT 500!

tive history. To get your Official
Entry Package, just return the
coupon below.

And that's jus! the GRAND
PRIZE in Model Expo's Shelby-

American Sweepstakes. Look what else you

can win:

FUZZBUSTER” Radar Warning
Receiver. Retail Value: $259.00 25 given |

away!

OFFICIAL SHELBY AMERICAN
AUTOMOTIVE CLUB (SAAC) JACKETS.

Retail Value, $139.00. 50 given away!

: Handcrafted metal, limited edi-
tion miniature of the Shelby-American
GT 500, reproduced in 1:43 scale. A collector's
delight—valued at $100. 240 given away!
(Each numbered and authenticated. Number 1

Mail to: MODEL EXPO, INC. 23 Just Road, Fairfield, NJ 07007

O Send me the Shelby Ameri-

сап GT 500 kit (No. MI 1601T) plus
tools, paints, materials, and book—all for
just $39.95.

Be sure 10 include my 116- page catalog of
other models to build and collectibles to buy.
And rush my Shelby American Sweepstakes
Official Entry Package and 5 Lucky Tickets.
(Include $4 Shipping and handling, tor a total
of $43.95. New Jersey residents please add
6% sales tax.)

I'mnot yet ready to buy, but I'm inter-
ested in all you have to offer. Enclosed
is $3 for your 116-page, full-color catalog
Send it along with my Official Entry Package
to the Model Expo Shelby American Sweep-
stakes and 5 Lucky Tickets. ( understand
that it costs nothing to enter the sweeps.)
Nolte; If you would lie an Official Entry Package to
the Model Expo Shelby American Sweepstakes, but
до not want to purchase either the kit or the catalog,
simply print your name and address on a 3 x 5 card
along wiih the мога “SHELBY” and mai to Model
Expo, Your Entry package and Lucky Tickets wil be
mailed to you— you needn't order to enter.

chances to win
more than 1,315 prizes

worth over $60,000!

will be presented to Carroll Shelby, himself)

$10.00 MERCHANDISE CER-
TIFICATE. Redeemable for any hobby item in
the Model Expo catalog. 1,000 given away!

the opportunity to win $1,000 in travel
money and 1,000 Gift-Paks of Carroll Shelby's
culinary Tex-Mex delights, including his
famous Texas Brand Chili Preparation.

For fastest service on credit card
orders, call TOLL-FREE

800-228-2028 ex. 36

24 hours a day/seven days a week
(In Nebraska. call 800-642-8300, ext. 36.)

Оер! PL-55CR

{О My check or money order for $ _ is enclosed.

[ ] Charge to my credit card
[ | Mastercard [O Visa []

American Express
Acct. No.

Exp Date

Signature

State Zip

Sweepstakes ends March 15. 1986 Last day to request an
Оша! Entry Package is February 15. 1986

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Secret Life кыш» tage 120

“Perhaps more frightening, however, is the specter of
untrained and virtually uneducated spies.”

being denied life insurance. In his own
case, Koch had tried and tried to find out
why but had run into a great deal of trou-
ble. This is from the Congressional Record,
October 17, 1974:

I finally was able to secure an
the-record statement from an indi
ual who had solicited the account, He
said, “Well, we have information in
our records that ten years ago you
had cancer."

T said, “Well, that is very interest-
ing, but 1 am not aware of it.” I asked
what the nature of this cancer was.
The records showed it was leukemia.
I asked, “Where did you get that
information?" The company indi-
cated they had obtained it from a
neighbor . . . and finally they agreed
that the information that had been
provided them had been given mali-
ciously.

Are we being asked to believe that a
respectable insurance company would
actually send someone out to collect mali-
cious gossip about us from our disgruntled
neighbors?

No. Of course not. Insurance companies
hire Equifax to do that kind of work.

Equifax, formerly the Retail Credit
Company, is an 85-year-old firm that
invesügates people for a fee, usually
about seven dollars, and prepares a
report. You've probably hcard of this sort
of thing: You apply for life insurance and
little mechanical people with feelers come
around asking silly questions of vour
neighbors. Well, those little people work
for Equi which Forbes magazine has
called “the insurance industry's CIA." It
would be wrong to say Equifax has a
monopoly on whats called consumer
investigations. However, it would also be
wrong to say IBM has a monopoly on
computers. The U.S. G
report on privacy, singled out Equifax as
Equifax also hap-
pens to be second only to TRW in pre-
paring credit reports (which, you'll
remember, deal only in what you've bor-
rowed and how promptly you've paid and
do not contain malicious gossip, only occa-
sional misinformation)

Equifax presents the frightening specter
of highly trained spies using their finely
honed skills to pry into your private
allairs. Perhaps more frightening, how-
ever, is the specter of untrained and virtu-
ally uneducated spies, unburdened by any
skills whatsoev Jering around in
your private all nd while it's difficult
to say which would be worse, the latter is

far closer to reality than the former. The
Privacy Protection Study Commission.
described qualifications for becoming an
Equifax spy: “Ап individual need only
have a high school diploma and a car."
And at least one report said the diploma
was optional.

Equifax has branch offices in every
major city in the United States. The onc I
saw was a large room with a low ceiling
that made everyone stoop a bit. Lined
with desks and telephones, the room was
illuminated by fluorescent lights and
manned by— would it be fair to character-
ize them as little mechanical men
feelers? No, it would not; they looked like
people who had failed in the used-car busi-
ness interspersed with people who had
not yet gotten their first real job. They sat

working over forms that asked for the most
personal sort of information.

When 1 walked in unannounced and
started pawing through stacks of claim
forms, no one in the office seemed the least
bit concerned that I was violating some-
one's privacy. Most of the forms 1 saw
there concerned investigations of people
who had filed a claim for death benefits.
Other Equifax forms 1 obtained through
the Federal Government, however, con-
this category:

B. Hallucinogenic drugs
(1) LSD, etc.
(a) Regular, extensive user
(b) Occasional usc
(c) Former experimentation

Equifax prepares the large majority of
its reports for insurance companies but
also does investigations for employers who
wish to check on applicants for jobs. An
Equifax investigator, in other words, may
be the critical element in whether or not
you get your next insurance policy or job.

Question: How does he (armed with

"Qur lask, ladies and gentlemen,

to convince the American male that

driving a small car is no reflection on the
size of his genitalia."

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nothing more than a high school diploma
and a car) tell if you're on LSD?

According to the Federal Trade Com-
mission (ЕТС), the average Equifax report
takes eight to 16 minutes to prepare. That
supposedly includes judgments on your
reputation, financial status, criminal
tendencies, the neatness of your front yard,
your character, sexual preferences, drink-
ing habits and state of health, to name just
a few. It should also include, according to
a company handbook, a determination of
whether or not you are engaged in drug
traffic (“definite suspicion" is one cate-
gory), rodeo or moral turpitude characier-
ized by “indiscriminate associates." And,
of course, the LSD question

The average Equifax investigator is bur-
dened with a production quota equal to
about 23 cases a day and has only three to
six hours on the street cach day to gather
the information that will go into his
reports.

Is Big Brother watching you? Let's sce

The National Cancer Institute (NCI)
hired Equifax in an attempt to locate cer-
tain people for follow-up rescarch. NCI let
a contract worth $3,300,000 to Equilax.
Although officers of the Cancer Institute
weren't aware of it, the FTC had filed a
complaint against Equifax. But that
wasn't why the Cancer Institute canceled
its contract.

"Equifax would report back that a per-
son was "last known to be living in a nurs-
ing home in St. Louis’ or ‘thought to have
died.” This was of no assistance in helping
us locate the person," said the Cancer
Institute's spokesman.

Equifax has just such a fact-filled file on
one out of every four Americans. And for
about seven dollars (free il you've recently
been refused credit), it will provide yours.
If it produces prattle like that for
$3,300,000, imagine what you get for
scven dollars. Most of us are inclined to
believe that people who keep files on us
must check their facts or that, at the very
least, they must let us inspect our file and
change what is incorrect. Most of u:
other words, are hopelessly naive

First of all, it's not likely that you will
even get to sec your file. Secondly, no mat-
ter how careful Equifax is in checking its
facts, insurance companies, Equifax’ larg:
est clients, are not interested in hearing
that you are a model citizen. If you are a
model citizen and your report says so, your
file will probably be destroyed in a short
timc, a ycar or so. If vour report contains
something derogatory, it will probably be
kept. For as long as ten

In defending his position that many
reports must contain derogatory inforn
tion, the chairman of Equilax told the Pri-
vacy Protection Study Commission, "We
know the social behavior of our population
is not improving that much. . . . We know
that if [an investigator] works intelligently
and carefully and conscientiously . . , he
is going to develop a rather substantial

amount of information that we term as

pertinent.” Meaning derogator
The Equifax “Branch Manager's Ma
ual" states, “Actionable Information: Thi

is the basis on which we sell our serv-
iccs.... Insurance companies must have
information to properly rate each accepta-
ble risk, as well as to decline or cancel the
‘poor risk." "

The FTC found that Equifax audited
itself for the percentage of damaging infor-
mation that was being submitted. Manag-
ers of branch offices producing more bad
news would receive more bonus money
There was a point system whereby an
investigator would get ten points for say-
ing you were “grossly fat" and five points
for saying vou were "slightly overweight."
In a pre-employment report, an investiga-
tor would receive as many as ten points for
getting two sources to say you lacked
ambition and zero to four points for only
one source. If the investigator said vou
were "not loyal" to vour country, he
would get ten points. A "known friendli-
ness or allegiance to country with oppos-
ing ideology" would count for cight to
ten.

"Thomas Whiteside, who investigated
fax for The New Yorker when the Gov-
ernment became interested in the com-
pany, told me, “The problem remains
today. The incentive is there to get
more business, and so there arc going to
be more inquiries. [Equifax investigators]
are poorly paid, theyre badly harried,
they're very nervous and they're told
they've got to come up with that informa-
tion. The problem will not go away."

Equifax maintains a staff of 8500 inves-
tigators nationwide making about 200,000
reports daily. "That's about 52,000,000
reports a ycar. From one leap ycar to the
next, Equifax could produce a report on
every man, woman and child in the U.S.
An FTC spokesman said, “The rcal dis-
reement between the FTC and Equilax
is what you call the system, not that
it exists."

The spokesman meant the Equifax
quota system, by which an investigator is
expected to make meaningful, thorough
reports on 23 individuals a day and is
given three to six hours in which to make
them (the rest of his typical eight-hour day
is taken up with paperwork). Further-
more, he is allowed only 125 miles of fully
reimbursed driving a day, and he must
either type all his own reports or dictate
them and pay a typist. He is penalized if
he works overtime. He is given a bonus if
he completes more reports.

In the face of threats or orders from the
quifax has now backed away from
its policy of giving investigators such clear
incentives as it used to for the amount of
bad news they produce. But the com-
pany’s output per investigator remains the
same, and there have been no technical or
biological advances that make it any easier
to be in 23 places at once.

To illustrate how investigators cope

2 months’ salary may seem like a lot at first.
Until you divide it by forever.

>
apex

A diamond engagement ring Now that may sound like a lot at About Diamonds.” Just mail
is the one thing a woman will first. But anyone who knows the $1.25 to DIC, Dept. DER-L-PL,
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PLAYBOY

182

IM youre а friend of Jack Daniel's Whiskey, drop us а line. We'd lie to hear from you.

AFTER WE USE A BARREL for aging Jack
Daniel's, our employees can use it for just about
anything.
Mr. Bobby Owen (that’s him up above) has taken
one and turned it into a mailbox. And other
employees make them into everything from bar-
becue grills to living room
chairs. They do have
hundreds of uses, these
old barrels. But after a

sip of Jack Daniel's, we
believe, you'll know the

most important use of all.

С «ОЛТУ

OLD TIN,

SO Proof Distilled & Bottled
By Jack Dane Dile

Lynchburg tennessee
Ме HH 3 EP)

CHARCOAL MELLOWED

DROP BY DROP

ommittee on m Banking,
g and Urban Affairs described an
practice called 2 “A
means you do nothing,” the former inve:
tigator said. "You do not contact the
investigatee. One docs not go out on the
street . . . he utilizes whatever inform

s hoped, looks up the insured in the
phone book to assure that he lives ther
then you just fill in the form."

This investigator said one report "cited
a source at a certain address which
turned out to be a parking lot.” He also
described an investigator who "zinged a
report on an ind
living. Such practices are flagrant
tions of corporate policy, but they a
ently do occur."

Is Big Brother watching vou? No, he
doesn’t have the time. But he is filling out
forms about you, and even if he happens to
be 99 percent right, that means that erro-
neous Equifax dossiers are assembled on
about 500,000 people cach year. And
unlike the Yugoslavs, Equifax investiga-
tors will not repair your falling plaster
while they're spying on you

Equifax is not alone.
ily the most dangerous commercial agency
of privacy invasion. The Wackenhut
Corporation—well known for its rent

lual who was no longer

ity compan
forms its investigations for emplovers who
wish to know more about job applicants.
So where does Wackenhut get its inform
a list of subver-
sives known as the Barz Lag List (Barz
Lag was a retired Navy ollicer who spent
his time culling names from the House of
Representa Internal Security Com-
mittee hea Then Wackenhut em-
es scanned the news for individuals
ld to the list. Anyone deemed polit-
ically suspicious to Wackenhut clippers
was put on file, Then they indexed this

According to the Pri
Study Commission, “Wackenhut donated
the list to the Church League of Ame

a pol
largest

ve files on
subversi single excep-
tion of the FBI; Today Wackenhut co
ues to use the Church League files. .
Přesumably, when Wackenhut needs that
type of information, th
suppl nd м
search could be conducted to
cal radicals out of the work f
ica. In fact, Wackenhut conceived of a
central data bank for employers from
which they could instantly sere
to see if he were involved in “various types

es it

yone

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of criminal as well as subv act
ties.” Fortunately, the plan was aban-
doned for lack of employer interest
Wackenhut and its fellow security com-
panics can get information on us fron
almost anywhere it’s kept. One firm

list of sources—suggested places for
its investigators to look first—includes
schools, law-enforcement agen-

banks,
cios, HEW, the IRS, the Imn
Naturalization Service, the Securities
and Exchange Commission, the drug-
enforcement agencies and even the Postal
Service. Information from these sources
generally confidential, but “private inves-
ligative agencies are able to circumvent
authorization procedures,” said onc Gov-
ernment report. One way to do that is
to hire former police or Government
employees.

A Rand Corporation researcher who
studied investigative agencies says that
executives of those agencies readily admit
that they get confidential law-enforce-
ment information even when it is illegal to
do so. They may also obtain information
from credit bureaus, such as Dun & Brad-
street and TRW, and from Equifax itself
Employees of Wackenhut are instructed
not to reveal such sources when they exist,
and so it would be impossible, say, for you
to trace a mistake from your Wackenhut
file back to an error originally made by an
Equifax sleuth.

Of course, since those are both dossiers
that you have no legal right to inspect,
that's a rather academic concern, isn't it?

One of the most peculiar elements of
privacy protection in America is that the
individual—the victim, it were
appears to have so few rights. Almost any-
onc can scc his file except him. The Fair
теби Reporting Act (FCRA), ju
your only protection when it comes to little
mechanical people with feelers, says that
Wackenhut or TRW or Equifax or any
business like them must "clearly and accu-
rately disclose to the consumer the nature
and substance of all information (except
medical information) in its files on the
consumer at the time of the request.”
(This does not apply il you are filing an
insurance claim.)

Here's how one consumer-investigation
agency, O'Hanlon Reports, interpreted
the law in its handbook for branch-office

managers

ration and

t about

"The important thing is to NEVER
check the files in the presence of the
consumer prior to the time of
your appointment with the consumer,
you will have received the Statement
of Disclosure from the Home OF
fice. .. . You are not to show any-
thing or acknowledge that you have
ything other than the State
losurc.

Actual disclosure will be
plished by reading the Statement of

nt of

Disclosure to the consumer. The
Statement is to be read word for word
at your normal reading speed. It is
not to be read slow enough for anyone
to copy down word for word, nor is it
to be read so fast that the consumer
will not understand what you were
g. Part or all of the Statement of
Disclosure may be reread if the con-
sumer indicates he did not under-
and what you were telling him. The
consumer and/or the person with him
may not have a copy of the Statement,
nor may they be allowed to read the
Statement or touch it.

Unless you live in Oklahoma. where a
state law requires that you be given a copy
оГа report on you before anyone else sees
it, you arc out of luck. The FCRA was
written to protect the consumer. But it
was subjected to major changes as a result
of three years of intensive ins
company lobbying in Washington.

The Privacy Protection Study Commis-
sion said, “Perhaps the most blatant weak-
ness in the FCRA is the impracticality of
its provisions aimed at giving an individ-
ual a way of getting inaccurate, incomplete
or obsolete information in an investiga-
tive report corrected, amended or de-
leted. . . . Requiring that the ‘nature and
substance’ of a report be revealed to th
individual effectively deprives him of his
ight to challenge its con-
tent. commission called the FCRA
“much less efective protection for the
dividual consumer than he needs” and

arance-

said it had concluded “that additional leg-
islative action is clearly needed.”

Nothing has been done. The
lobby is too strong.
Wor
formation. When you sig
the bottom of an application for insurance,
you waive your claim to the confidentiality
of your doctor-patient relationship. Any-
one with an old Xerox of that form can
request and get your medical records from
your doctor, psychiatrist, hospital or other
institution. And there's no timc limit.
There are almost 7000 hospitals in the
United States. According to an Equifax
manual on insurance claims, Equifax
agents can get medical records from all
but 1900. Among private investigators,
those 1200 have a reputation as “problem
hospitals" because they try to keep medi-
cal records confidential

Adding insult to injury is the fact that
the law does not recognize your right to see
your own medical records. The belief
seems to be ti in the first place, you will
not be able to understand the contents
and, in the second place, you may be so
alarmed by what you find that you will
drop dead on the spot. What to tell the
public has always been a question in serv-
ice organizations. Should the doctor tell
you that you have cancer? Should the air-
linc pilot tell you that the planc is on fire?
Should Equifax tell you that you were
turned down for a job because you told
your psychiatrist that you believed that a

h medical
the form at

se yet is the situ

1 wi

"I don’t want to carp, folks, but I think Pm floundering!”

185

PLAYBOY

186

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Law and legal opinion on privacy reflect
the traditional notions of liberty, self-
determination and the sanctity of the in-
dividual. But those old-fashioned ideals
have become virtually outmoded by the
complexity of modern society and by the
general unwillingness of individuals to do
anything to protect themselv«

What do you know about your right to
privacy? Does it mean that you can strip
down to your suntan and go skinny-
dipping in the woods? Or does it mean
that no one can read your mail? If a police-
man asks you for identification, must you
show it to him? Do you have a legally pro-
tected right to loaf?

In fact, you are legally protected while
skinny-dipping. Most people think it's
against the law to open first-class mail.
No, it’s only against the law for a Federal
agent to read first-class mail. There is no
law against opening it. On the other hand,
a 1983 Supreme Court decision made it
illegal for police to stop you and ask for
identifi
believe that you're committing a crime.
And Justice William O. Douglas, in con-
curring with the Supreme Court's decision
to legalize abortion in 1973, enumerated
three arcas in which individual privacy
was protected. One, he wrote, “is the frec-
dom to care for one's health and person,
freedom from bodily restraint or compul-
sion, freedom to walk, stroll or loaf.”

In many transactions today, however,
you are able to present yourself only by
proxy—by that phantom self, your record,
that follows you throughout your life. But
lets say that your record contains an
error. "Typically, you discover the error in
your record when you are least disposed to
deal with it properly. Put upon by adver-
sity or crisis, you must let the error stand
while you cope with the more urgent nceds
of the moment. And often, by the time you
get around to addressing the problem of
inaccuracies in your file, it is too late. The
nage has been done. The file has multi-
plied out of control. Or your psychic
energy has been drained away.

Indced, most people never have to think
about the system until it goes awry and thc
record comes back to haunt them

tion without a clear reason to

Although we call ourselves civilized, we
have not come so very far from the forest
The gun on the hip of the man in the uni-
form is evidence enough. It is a symbol of
our collective suspicion. This same dis-
trust has been elevated to a
sophistication: In our day-to-day dealings
with one another, we are suspect until we
give proof. Our character must be given
an official stamp of approval before it can
be trusted. No, the Government doesn’t
require (hat we carry identity cards. But
the Government hasn't had to require it.
We require it of one another. We no longer

high level of

want to know the person; we have become
our records.

The only way out of the nightmare is
through knowledge. But it must be equally
distributed. We must have the same right
to know about ourselves as others have to
know about us. And if laws are made, we
should have an equal opportunity to know
about them. As the system is now, people
have no idea what rights they're giving up
when they sign forms allowing others to
investigate them. The signature on a
eredit-card or an insurance application
can work like a forced confession.

The answer is simple. There are three
Parts to it: First, you should be able to call
up your records (any records— criminal,
tax, credit-bureau, bank, school, and so
on) as quickly and as easily as “they” can
"That means that computer terminals,
much like electronic bank tellers, must be
provided for public use (or, far easier,
access through your personal computer).
There you can call up your records in an
instant, putting you on an equal footing
with those who collect data about you.
You should have the same right to alter
and edit your record as anyone else has. A
computer system could easily keep track of
your alterations and the original record at
the same time, but at least you'd be able to
put in your two cents’ worth.

Second, perhaps equally important,
your records—all records—should be
automatically destroyed after a certain
length of time; about six months for rou-
tine business records.

"Third, only what is absolutely necessary
for serving you, the consumer, should be
requested when organizations collect data
on you. (Numbers, such as Social Secu-
rity, are not necessary for identifying you,
not even for the sake of computers.)

In the exhibit of the 1455 Gutenberg
Bible in the Library of Congress, there is a
plaque that says:

THE GUTENBERG BIBLE IS THE FIRST
GREAT BOOK PRINTED IN EUROPE FROM МОУ.
ABLE TYPE. IT 15 THEREFORE A MONUMENT
WHICH MARKS A TURNING POINT IN THE ART
OF BOOKMAKING, AND CONSEQUENTLY IN
THE TRANSITION FROM THE MIDDLE AGES TO
THE MODERN WORLD. THROUGH THE INVEN-
TION OF PRINTING IT BECAME POSSIBLE FOR
THE ACCUMULATED KNOWLEDGE OF THE
HUMAN RACE TO DECOME THE COMMON
PROPERTY OF EVERY MAN WHO KNEW HOW
TO READ—AN IMMENSE FORWARD STEP IN
THE EMANCIPATION OF THE HUMAN MIND.

The same might be said of the accumu-
lated knowledge of the great filing systems
kept by Equifax, TRW, Wackenhut, our
various governments, schools, hospitals,
insurance companies, and so on. But the
remarks about the Bible leave out an
important chapter in the history of mov-
able type, that chapter in which books
were the exclusive province of the ruling
class—a step in the oppression, not the
emancipation, of the human mind

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PLAYBOY

188

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ТОМ МАТЅОМ

(continued from раве 149)
a matter of whether or not it was going to
stay in. It did

10.

тлувоу: Does the pressure increase when
you're playing a tournament and you hear
applause from somewhere else on the golf
course, from another player's gallery?

watson: Only in the last round of a cham-
pionship or on the last nine holes docs it
really affect. me. A lot of times, people
don't really know what to Фар for. Golf is
certainly not like any other game. The
only perfect shot is the one that goes into
the hole. That's why you see so much putt-
"There are different ways

ing on television
of looking at other shots. The most knowl-
edgcable golf galleries аге those in Scot-
land and England. No question. Most
people over there understand golf whether
or not they play it

н.

т.лүвоу: You have won the British Open
five times. Do you feel a special aflinity for
that island where the game has its roots?
watsos: When you play in Scotland or
England, уоште playing on what some
people say is hallowed ground. Plu
the history of the game is part of my life,
because when I was growing up, my dad
talked about it and 1 read books about it

When I first went over there, I didn't
like the condition of the golf courses. The
grounds definitely come more into play
The greens are firm and the ground is firm
and you have to invent more shots. You
have to run the ball. It’s more of a chal-
lenge than picking a club for yardage a
then merely playing that club for yardage
on a soft wet course. At first, I didn't like
the luck of the bounce. Now I think it's the
ultimate in the game.

12.

ri vov: Do you keep your eye on the ball
or do you have something more important
to do when you're playing
warsox: I've looked at the ball for 30 years
now, and I have a pretty good idea of what
it's like. The important thing is the бе
How is the ball sitting on the ground when
you're on the fairway or in the rough?
When you get grass between the club base
and the ball. it makes the ball go farther
and takes the spin off it

An accomplished. golfer is basically
instinctual, The player who has too many
thoughts gets confused and gets hung up
mechanically. If you've got tei

shop

muscles,

n't swing the club as last as you can
when you're

you c
axed and can use your

hands and arms to release a really tremen

dous amount of speed in the club head
13.

mov: Choking—falling apart on the
course—is the bane of the professional

ther's six and a half light-years away

“For gosh sakes, Linzi, your mo

PLAYBOY

190

golfer. Are there any techniques you usc to
keep going when the going gets tough?
warsox: I have to make sure that I get a
full breath. That's why sometimes you'll
Sce me yawning on the course in the mid-
dle of a competition.

The most effective way to deal with
stress is to do somcthing well. In the 1982
U.S. Open, I was under tremendous pres-
sure for the first 13% holes. On the 14th, 1

ade a putt and it was the shot that di
It wasn't some mental trick I could bring

about to reduce the pressure.
14.

PLAYHOY: How do you deal with the irrita-
tion of the occasional imperfect shot?

watson: Every golfer has a temper. It's an
intrinsic part of every game. But you have
to be controlled. You vent your anger.
Count down, Temper is finc on the golf.
course as long as you don't let it get out of
hand and don't start cartwheeling and

helicoptering golf clubs into the gallery.

15.

PLAYBOY: You have a reputation for particu-
larly fast play. Do you ever tell yourself to
slow down a bit?

watson: I've always been a fast player with
a fast swing. But that's my nature on the
golf course. If 1 tried to slow down and
play at the same speed as Nicklaus, I prob-
ably wouldn't be able to break 80.

16.

PLAYBOY: You score well in weather that
would keep most people indoors. Are you
trying to inject a macho element into golf?
watson: It’s just the challenge of it. 1 was
at Pebble Beach and played in a 50-mile-
an-hour wind with rain. You can't see; the
in hurts your eves. It's going into your
cars. You have to invent some type of shots
to play golf that way. I hit one of the great
shots of my career from about 50 feet away
from the hole. How do you judge a shot

“As I unde

Constitulion, the President is not empowered
to lake us into war. He is permitted only to involve

us inextricably in

hostile actions.”

with a 50-milc-an-hour wind? I played а
20-foot break; the ball went up; it j
went straight down about a foot fi
hole. People ask what you're doin:
there under those conditions. Is
supreme challenge, and I love it.

17-

euaynov: Do you ever play a relaxing round
with friends for a dollar Nassau?

warson: Га guess that most people play for
something. I don't care if they're 100
shooters and it’s a dime or a nickel or
whatever. Then there's something on the
line to keep your interest. Golf is a very
clear-cut sport: You can play one on one or
two on two. You can play a two- or a four-
ball match, a threesome or a foursome.
But basically, it gets down to you against
the golf course.

18.

PLAYBOY: Do М.Ю. call in the middle of the
night and ask you to curc their slices?
watson: You get to the point where you're
called in your hotel room three or four
times a night by fans. They want to know
what to do about their slice. They want to
get together for a drink. Obviously, you
have to acknowledge that well-wishing,
but the machinery gets too clogged up
with incidentals. You need a butler.

19.

erayson: Ever invite a top woman golfer to
play a round?

watson: No. I grew up a m
far as what boys do with girls. Women
golfers are not as strong and they can’t hit
the ball as far. A guy’s drive averages
something like 45 yards longer than a
woman's, There are some women who
play very well around the greens. But even
there you need some type of hand strength,
and a lot of women don’t have that.

20.

wow: Jocks often tout the spiritual ben-
of their particular sport. Would you
give us a pep talk?
WATSON: Golf is a test of character. Гус seen
businessmen who I thought were very,
very good people get on the golf course
and it's a Jekyll and Hyde situation. They
get very angry at themselves. You've never
heard them swear, but all of a sudden,
every other word а swearword, Гус
played with certain amateurs who cheat,
break the rules or don't even know the
rules. That gives you a pretty good indica-
tion of what that person is like off the
course, too. If you kick a ball out of a bad
lie, you may cheat at other things, too.
Could be the IRS. Or your wife

I would love to sce every kid in the
world get out on a golf course and learn to
play. Irs a fair game, There's one set of
rules. Learn those rules and play by them.
Video games develop skills, but golf dev
ops character.

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PLAYBOY

тоту Y ттс
PRIZE PULITZER

(continued from page 144)

“I was furious with Herbert, but that was typical of
him, manipulating people like chess pawns.”

just once, “Fuck you, asshole!" but he was
Mr. Charm. An excellent actor. He'd just
smile at somcone, make him believe hc
was the most important and wonderful
human on earth, and afterward he'd ask
me, "What was that guy's name?”

Tell us about the early days, when you met
each other.

1 was going to Palm Beach Junior Col-
lege and sharing a trailer with my brother
I'd seen Herbert at a few parties, we'd got
on well, liked cach other, and that was as
far as it went. 1 had a boyfriend and Her-
bert was living with a girl. I refused to
date him while we were both attached.
Contrary to my public image, if you can
call it that, I was never a great believer in
two men at once:

Six or seven at a time, maybe?

Right! A football team! Girls, animals,
the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, OK, but
never just two. But when I met Herbert,
we had other people in our lives

d planned to tell my boyfriend

What about Herbert and his girlfriend?

They'd just come back from a safari in

She'd fallen in love with the place

and wanted to live th
send her back to Africa and give her some
money to find a house for them both and
he'd follow later.

Did you drive her to the airport?

No! Herbert did. The night before she
left, he gave her a farewell party at a res-
taurant he owned in Palm Beach
sitting at the bar, having a quiet drink and
wondering why my boyfriend, who was
with Herbert at a table, kept giving me
filthy looks. Then he suddenly came over
10 the bar, grabbed me and said, "Come
on, we're getting out of here.” Ugly scene,
very embarrassing. We drove to his place
and he was shouting. "You've been
fucking Pete Pulitzer; he says vou're pl
ning to go out together. He told me the
whole OK. our plan to go out
together was truc, but we most certainly
had not slept together. I was furious with
Herbert, but that was typical of him,
manipulating people like chess pawns

Why didn't your boyfriend punch him in
the nose?

Are you kidding? He was Herbert's

re, so his plan was to

І was

story."

January 12. He

insurance mant You think he was about to
throw up all that business—those big
hotels and what not? Herbert was his Fort
Knox. To cut a long and sordid story
short, we agreed to go out with cach other
once we were free. When I was staying
with my mom in New York, Herbert called
and asked me to have dinner with him
at ıhe Howard Johnson's he owned in
Miami. You can guess what happened. I
ended up staying the night; we slept
together for the first time. 1 New up to my
mom’s the next day. Herbert went fishing
in the Bahamas. He called me every day.
then sent his plane to pick me up, and I
flew down and joined him in the islands.
For the next six and a half years, except for
one night when he went to Europe for a
conference, we didn't spend a single night

apart.
And the wedding was six months later?
Herbert asked me to meet him at the
Fort Lauderdale airport with a limo and
two bottles of champagne, because he said
he had some important things to discuss.
He took a list out of his briefcase and
started ticking off items: next week, hunt-

ing; move the boat to St. Augustine; fly to
Europe; go to the ranch; take the boat to
Daytona; fly to New York to meet your
mother and stepfather; get married
vid, "That's the plan:
objections?" And,

do you have any

of course, I didn't—I couldn't have been
happier.

Out of the trailer and into the mansion.
Sounds like Cinderella.

More like The Story of O! Or maybe a
combination of Emmanuelle and Debbie
Does Dallas. They were some of his favorite
movies—mine, too, I must admit. We had
them all in our collection. We belonged to
an X-rated-movie club in West Palm. We
had an enormous collection of por-
nography—thousands of dollars" worth
of dirty books, magazines, movies, para-
phernalia

Paraphernalia?

Sure, you know, those silly gimmicks
they sell in those stores. Vibrators, inflata-
ble dolls, all kinds of weird gizmos—
ridiculous things. We bought them as
jokes. At Christmas, we used to exchange
six-foot stockings stuffed with porn, gour-
met foods, lotions, wine. Oh, God, those
Christmas mornings! We'd do the tree, lay
out the kids’ presents, open the cham-
pagne and give each other the stockings,
rolling around on the floor at five in the
morning and laughing hysterically

Have you kept the porn collection?

That's a sore point. Farish still has all of
it. I keep ringing him to find out what he's
done with it, but he won't return my calls.

The New York Post later published a
headline saying you slept with a trumpet. Did
you?

Trumpet? It was the whole fucking
orchestra! OK, let's be serious. No, I've

never fucked a trumpet—in fact, Гуе
never been musical. How would you fuck a
t? Very carefully, 1 imagine. Every
member that headline in the Post,
I think about suing.

Why?

To begin with, it wasn't a trumpet; it
was an aluminum cylindrical cone that
was presented to Herbert when we
attended a séance. Among spiritualists, it
symbolizes the trumpet sounded by the
archangel Michael

But did you sleep with the trumpet? The
world wants to know.

If you mean, did I use it in a sexual
manner, my answer is, “Go fuck yourself.”
The trumpet was kept in a closet in my
bedroom—the same closet that held all
our porn and my entire wardrobe and also
served as a repository for all our accumu-
lated junk, his and mine. So, in a sense,
you could say, yes, I slept with the trum-
pet, because the closet was in the bed-
room. At the trial, the lawycrs tricd to get
the thing a lot closer to my bed than it
actually was. That's the trumpet story.
But Pm still thinking about suing the Post.

How would you characterize the reporters
who covered your trial—in one word?

Scum.

Care to enlarge on that?

Big pile of scum. They feed on tragedy,
they wallow in it—and they can be such
whining hypocrites. There were times at
the trial when Га see a reporter who'd
written something truly disgusting and

vicious and Га want to wring his neck;
then a couple of days later, he'd call up to
apologize and ask for just one little inter-
view to put things right. Just doing their
job! I wish I hadn't given them so much
help! But my great regret is that in pre-
senting my case, 1 got down in the gutter
instcad of keeping my mouth shut

Isn't it a bit late for regrets?

Definitely. My regrets, though, are
about things that were told to me in confi-
dence by Herhert and that I should not
have repeated. But when I started getting
scared about the possibility that I might
lose Mac and Zac, I didn't think about it;
I just got into the gutter with his lawyers
and let it all rip. And I'm talking about
important matters, deep, dark secrets,
things from Herbert’s childhood and his
later life, things that should have remained
between us no matter what. Those other
issues—the cocaine, the marital mis-
conduct—were trivial by comparison

You're referring to the allegations about
incest?

I won't discuss that. Let's just say
that, like so many of the accusations in
that trial, incest is one of those things that
belong in the family.

We won't touch that one. What was the
most important issue to you in the trial?

Mac and Zac. The custody. I couldn't
get it into my head that I might lose them,
not even when I sat in the courtroom lis-
tening to the evidence. I knew I was not a
lesbian; I knew I was not an alcoholic or a
drug addict. I knew I was not an unfit
mother. And I took it for granted that

MARTINI & ROSSI. IN A GLASS BY ITSELE

Its the light, sophisticated, deliciously different drink that stands alone.

PLAYBOY

194

those were plain, straightforward facts and
that when the trial was over, Га be the
custodial parent. Wrong!

You don't sound much like the woman
described in the trial, who supposedly lived
out all those strange sexual fantasies.

My fantasies involve a little of every-
thing, but ГЇЇ tell you this: No fantasy—or
experience, for that matter—includes one-
night stands, or fuck-and-flees, as my
girlfriends call them. I've never had a one-
night stand. Not that they don't sound
fascinating—stimulating, in fact. My
problem is that I never get that physical,
animal craving, that sudden lust that two
strangers need when they meet and have
the chance to carry it off. I get the mental
input first, which is probably why I end
up going out with some strange-looking
people.

What made you decide to pose for
PLAYBOY?

I wanted it to be a surprise for
Herbert—he's been a subscriber for years.
That’s one reason.

Don't you think a lot of people will criticize
you for posing?

T guess Herbert could say, "Look, she's
everything I said at the trial—those terri-
ble things were all truc. Now she's got her
clothes off in a magazine; she's a sex
maniac.” I guess he could take that
approach, but it wouldn't be very honest if
he did. I know what he thinks of my body.

Herbert likes me naked. I mean, you're
talking about a man who liked taking me
to bed at one o'clock every afternoon, rain
or shine. “Hi, little fuck.” I realize that
some people will say, Well, there you are;
she's the shameless hussy they said,” but I
can't do anything about that, and I really
don't give a damn what they might say.

I'll probably tell the boys before the
magazine comes out, so they don't hear
about it first at school, but they won't be
surprised to see me with no clothes on. It
ccrtainly won't be the first time. I under-
stand that some people lock themselves in
lavatories and try to behave as though
their bodies have no natural functions, but
it was never that way in our house. All four
of us got into the tub sometimes or show-
ered together, and when the boys were
younger, they used to touch my belly but-
ton and ask questions like “How did we

come out of that?” And I'd explain that
they didn’t and Га tell them how they
were born. That's probably why some-
one—a person who spends all day with an
ear glued to Gospel programs—claimed
that I behaved in a perverted fashion
with the boys by running around in the
nude and letting them fondle my body.
That was an absurd and pathetic distor-
tion of the facts, but I guess some people—
maybe most—regard the body and its
functions as unclean and disgusting. I
don't. 1 don't believe in that unhealthy
bullshit. I think our society is confused
and stupid about this—we're all caught
up in the same cycle of repression, guilt
and shame. Well, fuck that. When we're
all dead and gone, future generations will
look back at us and our twisted mumbo-
jumbo beliefs and say, “Oh, yes, they were
the people who tortured anyone who was
different."

You mentioned the allegations that you're a
lesbian. Are you?

I hate even having to answer that, but
no, and Herbert knew I wasn't a lesbian. I
know I'm not. I simply prefer men. But
I see ncthing wrong with lesbians and 1
don't understand why other people do. At
the trial, a lot was made of the accusation
that I'd had a lesbian relationship with
Jackie and that Га offered to have an affair
with Herbert's daughter Liza, from his
previous marriage. Incredible! Liza and I
were hardly friends, let alone lovers. When
I was first with her father, she made it
clear that I was an intruder in her rclation-
ship with him and that as far as she was
concerned, she and I were engaged in a
war that I could never vin.

As to Jackie, she and I were extremely
close friends. We met almost daily during
the season, we shopped together, we were
in and out of each other's houses, we'd talk
for hours. We were practically the only
people of our age in Palm Beach, at least
among the group our husbands knew. She
told me when we met that if I hung around
with her, Pd get a reputation—but it
didn't bother me. I hardly knew what les-
bians were. 1 suppose I thought of them as
big women who looked like men and wore
combat boots, if I thought of them at all.
But I liked Jackie, she was the best of com-
pany, and we had a lot in common.

Her husband was resentful of our friend-
ship, I think, and a bit jealous of the time
we spent together. What made it worse
was the fact that if she got depressed and
locked herself in her room, he'd have to
call me over to the house to get her to
come out again.

Would you describe your acceptance in
Palm Beach society as immediate?

Hardly. We didn't get invitations to
anything together until the day of the wed-
ding, and then they started pouring in.
Lunches for this, dinner for that. But it
was hard for me to enjoy myself at a lot
of those affairs because of the age
difference—it was hard for me to be
myself. Not that that stopped me from
making Herbert choke on his champagne
a few times.

How did you do that?

Oh, we'd be at some dinner and he'd be
sitting at table 16 and Га be at table three.
Pd leave to go to the ladies” room, and on
my way back, l'd catch his eye when
nobody was looking and lift my dress
up flash him with a bit of leg or a boob,
anything to make him laugh, especially
when I didn't wear any underwear. I don’t
think he'll ever find anyone who makes
him laugh as much as I did.

In many ways, you lived on the proceeds of
a fortune that was built on tabloid journal-
ism, the sort founded by the old man, Joseph
Pulitzer, in the last century.

It's ironic, isn't it? Гуе never read any-
thing about him, but I heard that he died
all alone on a huge boat that he'd had
soundproofed. His hearing had gone; he
had no friends. It must have been a sad
and lonely death. Herbert once told me he
thought he'd probably die like that, alone.

But he has plenty of friends, doesn't he?

He likes to surround himself with people
who have less than he's got, who are his
inferiors, financially and mentally. They
have to bow down to his opinion, even if
they disagree.

Why?

So they can fly in his planc, go on thc
boat, stay at the ranch. He has to be num-
ber one, in control of all situations at all
times. He won't do anything he's not good
at, which was a source of considerable fric-
tion between us at times. I love to ski, for
instance, but because he was no good at it,
he'd say no to skiing.

Would you say he's a strong man?

He's a great manipulator; he's very
good at what he does. He knows himself.
well, knows what works for him and what
doesn't. He's got it down to a science. You
have to respect that. He has a strong per-
sonality, but that doesn't make him a
strong person. Once he sees a weakness in
you, you've had it; he just bores in and
tears you to shreds. But that's Monday-
morning-quarterback talk. Most of the
time we had together was the happiest
time of my life, and I believe it was for
, too. That's all over now, but I've had
у a heavy price for fulfilling Herbert
Pulitzer's deepest fantasies.

RAT-RACE DIET

(continued from page 116)

"When the male animal starts acting more like a
vegetable, the answer may well be mineral."

little extra. vitamin help. With the next
cup, choose an item from the

CALM-THE-JAVA-JITTERS MENU

Peanut-raisin mix (high in B vitam

Bran muffins with lots of apricots or ra
sins (B vitamins)

Fresh orange slices or strawberries (high
n C)

Of course, many people would prefer to
have a cigarette with their collec. The Su
geon General has determined that 98 per-
cent of all smokers’ eyes glaze over when
they read the warning labels on cigarette
packs. That’s not to make light of the
findings on smoking but to state the obvi-
ous: A lot of people now do, and will co
tinue to, smoke.

What those people n
is just how smoking depletes the body's
vitamin reserves—and how that can be
counteracted. Normally, such vitamins as
ВІ, Вб and C lubricate the human en-
gine—particularly the nervous system—
keeping it ticking smoothly and efficiently
If you don't mind your Bs and Cs, you get
anxious, irritable, jumpy—that’s what
"smokers! nerves” and ic fits” arc all
about. Smoking an average cigarette uses
up 25 mg. of vitamin C. That mcans a two-
pack-a-day habit uses up 1000 mg.—morc
vitamin C than most of us take in during a
day. That creeping loss kicks off an insidi-
ous The worse it gets, the mor
people feel they need to smoke. The result
is a cumulative deficit cycle that looks like
the Reagan budget.

Vitamins also have a more direct role.
Certain vitamins may even help protect us
against lung cancer and other ciga
related illnesses. More than half of all
human cancer—including lung cancer—
starts in epithelial tissue, the cells lini
most of our organs and glands. That tissue
needs vitamin A to develop normall
without enough, it starts showing precan-
cerous changes. Some recent research sug-
gests that vitamin A may protect directly
inst the effects of certain carcinogens.
The ideal food for smokers would have
s of vitamins A, B complex, С,
carotene, as well as a load of
helps strengthen our immune
system. By no small coincidence, those are
just the ingredients in the

not have hea

ICOTINE NOSH

Dried apricots (hig а
Dried pineapple (vitamin C)
Sunflower seeds (zinc and vitamin E)

Pumpkin seeds (zinc)
Keep a bowl of this mix in your desk,
and next time you reach for a smoke, do

your cells a favor and help yourself to a few
good handfuls.
E

Many of the patients I see in my prac-
tice complain of a general loss of interest in
sex or, sometimes. trouble getting or keep-
ing an erection. That can happen to young
guys who have no history of problem
who've become so anxious and tired that
they're just too distracted to be interested
in sex. it’s the ultimate downside risk, one
of the most insidious tolls you can pay if
you travel in the fast lane.

A lack of vitamins can turn our sex drive
vay down. For a lot of men, the problem
disappears when they start the solid
antistress regimen 1 outline here. Then

E
Dd

again, when the male animal starts acting
more like a vegetable, the answer may well
bem Гус seen in my own practice
that both impotence. and lowered libido
can respond almost immediately to mag-
nesium supplements

With my male patients, Гус become
convinced that the single most essenti
mineral for healthy male sexual function is
zinc. The prostate gland and its secretions
have some of the stronge
of zinc in the body. Low zin
some to result not only in decreased
potency but also in the production of non-
motile, useless sperm. High zinc content
what gives oysters their reputation as aph-
rodisiacs. Zinc also strengthens the body's
mmune system, to help keep our
resistance to colds, flu and infections high.
As you might guess by now, these minerals
are just the ones that tend to get wasted by
the indulgences of a hard-dr
and that can have its effects
room. (Why do you think the

“Га like to disassociate myself from the remarks
of my companions, miss.”

195

In Japan, wh

re high-tech electronics

are a way of life, they pay $714.93
for an American-made radar detector

(You can get the same one for considerably less)

Even we were a little surprised. All we did
was build the best radar detector we knew
how. We shipped our first ESCORT in 1978,
and since then we've shipped over 600.000
Along the way the ESCORT has earned quite
a reputation—among its owners, and also in
several automotive magazines

Credentials

Over the past five years, Car and Driver
magazine has performed four radar detector
comparison tests. Escort has been rated
number one in each. Their most recent test
concluded "The Escort radar detector is
clearly the leader in the field
tomer service, and performance .
that's quite an endorsement.

lity

One o! the reasons for our reputation is
our attention to detail. If we don't feel we can
do something very well, we simply won't do it.
Thats why we sell Escorts direct from the
factory to you. Not only can we assure the
quality of the ESCORT. but we can also make
sure that the salesperson you speak to is
knowledgeable. And if an ESCORT ever
needs service, it will be done quickly. And
it will be done right.

50 States Only

And that's the reason we don't presently
sell ESCORTs outside of the United States.
Even in the countries that use identical radar
(Japan and Australia, to name two) we know
that we couldnt provide the kind of customer
service that ESCORT owners expect. So we
pass up the additional sales rather than risk
our reputation.

"Dear Sir...”

So we'll admit we were surprised when a
letter from one of our customers included an
advertisement from a Japanese automotive
magazine. The ad pictured an ESCORT. and
the price was 158,000 yen. Our customer was
kind enough to convert that to U.S. dollars.
Using that days rate of exchange, an American-
made ESCORT was worth $71493 in Japan.
Further translation revealed the phrase "The
real thing is here!” and warned against
imitations.

This У page ad was a total surprise.

Econ 101

Needless to say, we were flattered. We
knew that ESCORT had an impressive repu-
tation, but we never expected to see it "boot-
legged” into other countries and sold at such
a premium. But the laws of supply and demand
are not so easy to ignore. When there is a
strong need for a product, there is an equally
strong incentive for an enterprising capitalist
to fill that need. And apparently, that's just
what happened

Easy Access
О! course, its easy for you to get an
ESCORT —just call us toll-free or write us at
the address below. The price is the same as
its been for the last five years: $245. Quite
а deal for what the Japanese must think is
the best radar detector in the world.

Try ESCORT at no risk
Take the first30 days with ESCORT asa
test. И youre not completely satisfied
return it for a full refund. You can't lose.

ESCORT is also backed with a one
year warranty on both parts and labor.
ESCORT $245 (Ohio res. add $13.48 tax)

TOLL FREE. .800-543-1608
IN OHIO... .800-582-2696

= 69)

By mail send to address below Credit"
cards, money orders, bank checks, cer-
tified checks, wire transfers processed

immediately. Personal or company

checks require 18 days.

ESCORT

RADAR WARNING RECEIVER

Cincinnati Microwave.
Department 100-007-A06
One Microwave Plaza
Cincinnati, Ohio 45296-0100

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спава Cinonnati Microwave. Inc

calls them "vital. strategic. minerals?)
Well, if hoarding them makes sense for
Uncle Sam, it makes sense for all of us. We
can all boost our inventory of zinc and
other minerals so that when we need them,
we've got them. But before you head out to
gnaw on galvanizcd nails, tr

THE APHRODISIAC DINNER

Ib. medium-rare liver; don't over-
cook. (If liver turns your stomach, try
lightly cooked fish, high in vitamin E.)

Sautécd mushrooms

Sweet potatoes (vitamins A, C and E)

Asparagus or broccoli (more vita-
min E)

Since we're on the subject, there's a
more indirect way a rigorous lifestyle can
take its toll on your sex life, Hundreds of
drugs prescribed to help us cope with
high-stress conditions arc notorious for
causing impotence. The most commonly
prescribed drugs for blood pressure,
nerves and ulcers all can have this side
effect. Check this possibility with your
doctor if you take any of them.

So the bottom line is that you don't have
to move to an ashram, start running 40
miles every morning or go macrobiotic to
stay healthy. Of course, if you want to,
great; help vourself. But if not, what you
can do is arm yourself through your food
with the proper nutritional support you
need lor the stresses of your lifestyle. By
making your dietwork for you, you can get
the extra nutritional support you need to
survive—even flourish—in the fast lane.

One other thing: Don't make the mis-
take of thinking that you're getting enough
vitamins and minerals if you're get
Government-approved R.D.A.
mended dietary allowance) or the obsolete
M.D.R. (minimum daily requirement).
The Government scientists say that those
levels provide enough nutrients to keep
you healthy. Granted, you won't get
scurvy or rickets if you stick to the R.D.A.,
but beyond that, ] believe that those
standards are pretty useless. In the best of
times, we need significantly higher levels
of nutrients to really boost our health and
make us feel great. And the harder your
work and play, the more you have to
increase the vitamins and nutrients to ¢
your body a fighting chance.

Ask your pharmacist for a chart show-
ing thc optimal and maximum daily levels
of vitamins and minerals. Start with the
lowest listed optimal level. Stay at that for
at least one weck, then gradually incrcasc
the dosage by weekly 50 percent incre-
ments. For example, start with 500 mg. of
vitamin C. Each week, increase your daily
dosage by half: 500 mg., 750 mg., 1000 mg.
or the nearest approximate dosage level—
but don't exceed the maximum. And be
patient—it may take weeks or months
before you feel the full improvement in
your health. But then, think of all the par-
tying you can do in the mca

LENS OF LOVE

(continued from page 142)
was a very nice lady.” Well, what did you
think of Rita Jenreuc? “Rita and I get
along especially well. We are friends.” You
see what we mean?

The women, on the other hand, have
things to say about him. Says Terry
Moore, "He's totally wonderful, like a
cavalier from the Old World; the last of
his kind."

Ruth Guerri, Miss July 1983: “Pompeo
was the first person I met at PLWBOY,
which was fortunate, because he made a
very good impression. I was visiting Chi-
cago with friends, one of whom was a male
model. and we dropped his composites off
at the Playboy modeling agency. The
receptionist suggested I talk with Pompeo,
and I did. That was about seven years
ago, long before my centerfold appeared,
and we've kept in touch. I know his wife,
Mclita, too; they're just super. It's rare to
run across such natural people when
you're in the modeling business, where
you find so many fragile egos.”

Posar's most recent Playmate, October
1984s Debi Nicolle Johnson: “Pve been
an admirer of Pompeo's work since I first
saw PLAYBOY, When he introduced himself
to me at the 30th Anniversary Playmate
ch, I broke out with goose bumps. It’s
funny: Your dreams are usually better

== p

PEA PUES

E (OS,

than the real thing, but in 0
Pompeo was better than my dreams.
to my father, he's my favorite man in the
world,”

We can tell a few stories about this unas-
suming virtuoso of the camera, too—
about the time a. photographer from Rio
de Janeiro spent fire months there looking.
for beautiful girls to pose for us but could
locate only two who would pose nude, so
we sent Pompeo, who came back after only
three weeks with ten morc; or the way he
photographed and interviewed a mind-
boggling 1700 hopefuls in five wecks dur-
g our 30th Anniversary Playmate Search
and never showed fatigue.

Like all truly creative persons, however,
Pompeo prefers to let work speak for
itself. Those of you who would 1
in the midst of the crea
will enjoy the tribute to Posar on Playboy
Video Magazine Volume #7, which will be
available at video dealers” later this
month. Due this fall is a Playboy special
publication featuring the best of Posar's
photos. Both will add perspective to 25
years of an incredibly romantic and suc-
cessful career.

Perhaps Pompeo sums it up best when
he s; fI live again, Га like to have the
same wife and the same job." And if
there's а н лувоу magazine in that next life,
we'd sure like to have the same Posar.

T've warned you about leaving the key in the ignition."

197

PLAYBOY

198

SPARKY ANDERSON (continued from pege 130)

“If the player misses the sign, Pm not gonna yell at
him in the newspapers. He feels bad enough already."

ANDERSON: Well, you're gonna have guys
who test ya—just out of the fun of it. It's
another part of the game to them. And you
have guys who arc hard, hard losers. You
have guys who don't like to lose, but if they
lose, it's not life and death to them. Then
you'll have a guy who's real scared and
apprchensive, who's worried that he won't
make it, won't stay on the team—some-
times guys with lots of ability arc that way
And then you have the guy who won't give
ya no trouble for nothin'—he's just there
to play. I really enjoy guys like that.
Those are the guys who ain't in the
game to please the manager, they're there
to please themselves. A guy like Pete Rose.
Then there's another kind of guy who's
what I call an “in-between” guy—he
wants to be a star, but he's not and has a
hang-up about it; he always feels like so-
and-so is getting a little better treatment.
than him. Nothin’ pleases him.

PLAYBOY: One of your stars at Cincinnati,
Joe Morgan, described you as street-
smart. What did he mean by that?
ANDERSON: [Laughs] For one thing, it
means I don't have no school smarts. But I
think what Joe meant by that is that I do
understand guys. I don’t think Гус ever
been tricked by too many guys. They
might think they’re tricking me, and a lot
of times I let "em think they've tricked me
for the simple reason that that’s the best
way to handle him, instead of undressing
him—T've found out that sometimes if you

let him keep his clothes on, if he thinks he's
trickin' you, it's fine, but if you show him
he's not trickin’ you, then he's exposed,
and if he's exposed, he's not worth a
damn. Let him live in that world.

I make no claim to genius, but I do
think I understand people. I understand
their needs; I understand why some gi
have to lie, why some guys have to ali
because that's the only way they can
survive. They can't survive by doing
cverything in the right way; they just can't
survive that way. And if they can't survive
that way, then I say let "em survive the
other way as long as they can help ya win.
PLAYBOY: You kecp saying you regret not
having a formal education—but from the
way you describe handling players, some
might say you've earned a degree in day-
10-day psychology.

ANDERSON: I dunno "bout that. A lot of.
times I get confused day to day. I ask
myself, “What the hell is goin' on?” But
then sometimes when that feeling hap-
pens, you work it out in your head and
everything just falls into line. I'm just one
of those guys who always dream things
will get better and better, and when it
don't, I blame myself. That's the walki
eagle thing—I just figure that no matter
how full of shit you are, you just gotta keep.
talkin’, because if you don't keep talkin’,
you don’t come up with no ideas.

PLAYBOY: Is lying a part of your job?
ANDERSON: Jeez, why do you ask me that?

“What decline in craftsmanship?”

PLAYBOY: When People published its
annual list of the 25 most intriguing per-
sonalities in America last December, you
were one of them. According to People,
you're one of the great movers and shakers
for 1985.
ANDERSON: I saw that—I suppose I beat
out some blonde movie star to make the
list, but what's the point?
PLAYBOY: This—to quote from your People
iece: “In this busines
awful lot. I'm not very hêz witk tie
press with all their questions, because it's
part of the way things are with this game.”
ig less than honest with us?
Nah, I wouldn't lie to you. All
"to say was that if I had to tell
the real truth about every player after
every game to every reporter who came
around, Га hurt my players. 1 prefer to
talk to my players individually when
they've done something wrong. If the
plaver don't get the sign to bunt when I
say bunt, I'm пог gonna yell at him in the
newspapers because he missed the sign.
ГИ talk to the player myself about и—1
know he feels bad enough already. I'm not
about to put that player in the paper to
take me off the hook. The player alrcady
messed up—I know it, he knows it. The
one thing 1 don't know yet—did he mess
up on purpose? Once I get done talkin’ to
him, I'm gonna have a chance to figure it
out. When you get to know your players,
you generally can figure it out —you get to
read their eyes and every thing else. When
I read a manager sa a the paper that
so-and-so was supposed to bunt and he
missed, I don't like it.

Anyway, what | meant when I told
People about lyin’ was just not tellin’ the
truth about a player who's messed up. But
when you're interviewed enough, no mat-
ter how you do it, you're gonna be nailed,
because there's things that you say that
the reporters don't really understand.
Fans, too. It's just like religion, that way. I
believe in the Big Guy
PLAYBOY: Who's thc

c an

and honest to
God, I must have had eight or ten Bibles
sent to me last year, because everybody
wants you to get into this religion thing.
lo matter what you do, if you're int
viewed, you are gonna say somethin’ that
ticks somebody off the wrong way.
PLAYBOY: Let's talk about religion for a
minute. You're Catholic—

ANDERSON: I am now; I wasn't Catholic
most of my life. I was a Methodist wh
started playing basch
go to a Methodist church, because they
had services at 11 o'clock Sunday morn-
ing, and bascball players have to be in the
ball park by then. So I started g
church with the Catholic guys, and I just
did and did and did and I was baptized in
1964— nobody else in my family is Catho-
lic, but to me, it’s neither here nor there, I
don’t look at religion as Jewish or Catholic
or Protestant —whatever fits you, do it
Bein’ a Catholic, Pm able to go to church

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on Sundays and not have to miss Mass. I
take that back—I miss my share of Mass.

But its you say
somethin’ about religion, whammo, God
Almighty. I rem ne tme, back

when I was coachin’ in the minor leagues
nta, I had this one pitcher with bad
arm trouble who nceded surgery. After a
few hours, the surgeon came out and said
everything was a success. | was there, a
couple of his friends were there and a
sportswriter was there. One of his friends
said to me, “You're so lucky that God gave
you back your pitcher's arm." I told that
guy, “Don't be thinkin’ about God: think
bout the doctor who performed the oper-
ation." That writer wrote about the e
change and, man, you wouldn't believe thc
negative letters I got on just that one
remark—how sacrilegious I was, that kind
of stuff. АП T was tryin’ to say was that if
God had anything to do with that pitcher's
arm, there wouldn't have been no problem
to start with. So many baseball teams have
their “God squads” these days—players
who after they hit a home run credit God
with their good swing. I think that’s a
ridiculous notion. Like, “God made me hit
that home run." You hear that a lot these
days. I look at it this way: I! God let you
hit a home run last бте up, then who
Struck you out next time at bat?

PLAYBOY: Do vou participate in the Base-
ball Chapels that have become a big part
of baseball life, where players are preached
to by local preachers ver city
they're playing?

ANDERSON: Yeah. normally Ull go. be-
cause I figure if bein’ there helps, why noi?
And Гус heard some real good speakers.
Гус also heard some guys who after I walk
out lm more confused than when I
walked in. I just take that kind of stuff with
a grain of salt, I really do. ТЇЇ listen, but
then ГИ make up my own mind on things,
and I'm gonna make my own mistakes
anyway, I know that. 1 think we change,
too—one month we'll be one way. the next
month we'll be another. I said it befor
When my team is losin’, I aint a talkativ
person. And when we're winnin’, I'm the
biggest front runner in the world. When
Vm goin’ good, man, I'm chirpin'. When
I'm not goin’ good, 1 keep my mouth shu
Or I try to, at least, [Laughs]
PLAYBOY: Do you enjoy being a celebrity
ANDERSON: No. That part of baseball is
hard for me to accept. The one thing peo-
ple don’t know about me is that I ат shy.
I've always been shy. I was shy when |
school, and Pm shy when m outa
my element. The only time I am ever
outgoin’ is when you're in my territory
and I have command of it. I've been livin’
and Oaks for about 19 years, and
I'm basically very shy when I'm home.
way at home do I ever do anything that's
Sparky Anderson. Here, Fm George, and
he and Sparky are two different people.
PLAYBOY: How did you get tagged as
Sparky?

wha

ANDERSON: There was a radio announcer
in Fort Worth in my third year of pro ball.
I guess I spent a whole lot of time arguing
with umpires, and this announcer would
say, “The sparks arc really flyin’ out
there.” Eventually, he'd just say when I
ame up to the plate, “Here’s old Sparky
again.” The press picked it up, and the
name just stuck to me. I was kinda
embarrassed—it took me a long time to
get used to it. In fact, my first couple of
years at Cincinnati, Ud sign my auto-
graphs George Anderson, but the Reds?
PR department got on my case and told
me that nobody knows who George
Anderson is, so I finally got used to it and
rted signing Sparky. And now I'm com-
ble about bein’ Sparky in my te
baseball; but out of my territory, it
‚ My bein’ basically shy, that’s
nobody knows; | don't talk
t people
PLAYBOY: There are more than a few
umpires who don't think you're sh
ANDERSON: That's the Sp: me.
PLAYBOY: Do fewer sparks fly today when
you protest an umpire's decision?
ANDERSON: I guess I can get carried away,
but I just want the umpires to admit that
in the past two years—T'll even go beyond
that; let's say the past five years—P've
come to learn that umpires arc just doin' a
job. 1 argue very little. I was thrown out of
the game one time last vca
PLAYBOY: A well-publicizcd
national television
ANDERSON: I just think I've finally grown
up to the point where I understand that
there's no way that there's any umpire out
there who's tryin’ to stick it to va. Before,
it was so important to me that they admit
they were wrong, and I'd keep carpin’
until they admitted it. The way I think
now, nobody should have to admit to you
that he's wrong. | think that's a part of my
growin’ up—don’t go to the point with an
umpire, don't expose him. Just like a
playcr—don't expose the guy. After 1 got
thrown out of the game last vear, I looked
at the replays and realized 1 was wrong
and the umpire was right—and 1 apolo-
gized to him.

PLAYBOY: A rare gesture in baseball, no?
ANDERSON: Maybe so, but I saw I was
wrong. And Гуе just learned that, by God.
they're out there tryin’ to do a job, tryin’
to make a livin’, like everyone else, Even
though sometimes when you get mad and
start screamin’ at them and they start
screamin’ back, I know, now. that they're
really doin’ their job. Earl Wi т says he
pushes on the umpire as a tactic—and a
tactic, I guess it’s an OK tool. I just get
mad. I usually don’t say nothin’, but I
really do get angry inside, and once in a
while, I just explode, like I did that time
last year. I guess part of my nature, too, is
to be a worrvwart, Take this Playboy
Interview. | was pretty worried there.
PLAYBOY: What worried you about it?
ANDERSON: Well, the way I was brought

fort
tory
don't wo
somethin’
about it. I really am two diffe

ncident on

up, this is nky-panky business,
тлувоу. I was pretty scared to death
about doin' it. At least I didn't have to be
the centerfold. [Laughs] Maybe ГЇЇ

subscribe—people tell me there's a lot of
good jokes and stories inside.

PLAYBOY: What else worries vou?
ANDERSON: Well, vou were talkin’ about
Earl Weaver once askin’ about how much
І made. I hope he made more than me—
that’s fine. If that gives a guy more
strength, if he needs it, more power to him.
I want my money to spend it on my
children—1 probably spent more money
on my children than any manager in the
business. Га rather give them things than
get them myself. I don't want to buy no
Mercedes—I have an old Chrysler Le
on, and it's the only car I have. I don't
s havin’ two cars— I'm gone
seven months of the year, and the Tigers
give me a car when I'm on the road any-
way. I've had this car two years, l've got
15.000 miles on it, and—it's not money
When you get up to certain figures, 1 can't
understand why it makes a difference to
a ballplayer if he makes $700,000 or
$1,000,000 a year, because the Govern-
ment takes half of it anyway. So what're
you gonna do with the extra $300,000 you
make—eat it? If ya enjoy eatin’, I can sce
it, but I know this: When ya go, ya can't
take it with ya. 1 know this, too: Anybody
in the game today, and I don't say it
^m the best manager in the world —but
there's nobody in the game today who's
won as much as I hay low, that’s a fact;
you could look it up. Гуе been in it the
longest: I've got the most wins. So if you

that way. There are guys who've won a lot
less than me makin
just don't care about it. It's where you
enjoy yourself.

PLAYBOY: What if another team offered vou
double what you're making now?
ANDERSON: I love Detroit, I love whe:
Vm workin’, but there are three or four
places that, if they gave me double, 1
might consider.

PLAYBOY: Where?

ANDERSON: Of course I'm not gonna tell
ya. but there's just about no way Tm
gonna leave Detroit. I get paid now what 1
want—and I have a job where I don't have
to call up my bosses every night and
report on the team’s performance. Det
is real different that way. They don't
bother me—1 talk to "em all the time,
but they're not callin’ me in the middle of
the night. I call “em when I get up in the
mornin’ when Pm on the road—but I
don't have to. lt ain't a thing where if 1
don't, VIE get bawled out for it, It's pretty
rare to have a job like the one I have. 1
know I keep savin’ it, but it’s true
biggest break I ever got in the world was to
be a part of major-league ball. That's for
sure. And that will be with me foi

more than me. and I

201

PLAYBOY

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January

SYSTEMS

(continued from page 150)
HOLD THAT HEMLINE!

Since the first Super Bowl in 1967, the
Standard & Poor’s industrial average has
gone up without fail in years when a
premerger N.F.L. team has won and has
gone down without fail in ycars when an
A.F.L. team has won

Knowing this, the market shuddered
and dived the day after the Los Angeles
Raiders, a premerger A.F.L. team, won in
1984. That was the first усаг
broad attention had really been focused on
the indicator, which had by then racked
up a perfect 17-year record; and, as often
happens with these things, that was the
year it began to falter. The market should
have gone down in 1984, because the
Raiders won, and, in truth, for a lot of
investors it did. The Dow Jones industrial
average was down. But the Standard. &
Poor's industrial average was up a hair,
from 186.24 to 186.36.

Docs this invalidate an otherwise solid
principle of finance? Certainly, 1985 got off
to a hell of a start, just as it should have,
after San Francisco (a premerger N.F.L.
team) whomped Miami.

Maybe the guys who rig professional
football are the same guys who rig the
market! Maybe the Trilateral Commission
has something to do with it. (You notice
how quiet Jimmy Carter's been lately?)
Have you noticed how truly powerful men
cannot communicate an economic thought
without using a football analogy? Therc's
definitely something going on here

Professor Steven Goldberg of the City
University of New York, an сх-Магіпе and
something of a Renaissance man (recent
articles include “Is Astrology Science?”
“Does Capital Punishment. Dcter?" and
‘Bob Dylan and the Poetry of Salvation"),
has written what may be the definitive
dissertation on the Super Bowl system—
and it has nothing to do with Jimmy Car-
ter (though I'm still suspicious).

Whenever you are surprised,” writes
Professor Goldberg, “it is because you are
comparing the thing that surprises you to
some background expectation in your
mind. Yon would be surprised to hear that
it snowed 300 times
because your understanding and expecta-
tion
Hawaii. You would, of course, be justified
in your surprise. Surprise, however, is not
always justified.”

We think the Super Bowl's ability to call
the market 17 times in a row (through
1983) is like flipping heads 17 times in a
row. The odds against this are 130,000 to
But coin tosses, unlike Super Bowls,
are 50-50, random affairs.

From 1967 through

n Hawaii last ycar

are that it hardly ever snows in

one.

1983, Goldberg
argues, because of the bias caused by infla-
tion and the fact that five of the games

P
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were between two premerger N.F.L.
teams, the odds come down to 36,000 to onc.

Oh, hey! So no big deal.

Goldberg can get the odds down even
lower, to 13,000 to one, if you'll buy his
notion that, just as the market was more
likely to rise than to lall in any given year,
a premerger N.F.L. team was more likely
10 win than to lose. That would have been
because the N.F.L. teams were better than
the A.F.L. teams, but I don't want to start
any fights over anything as idiotic as foot-
ball (I mean it! You guys arc nuts!), so
let's let that lie

* can tell,” Goldberg writes, “you're
still not impressed. After all, 13,000 to onc
doesn't happen every day, does it?" To
which he answers, “Yes. And this is infi-
nitely the most important point. Surprise
is justified only if an unexpected event takes
place. This would be the case if someone
had, im 1966, predicted a correlation
between future Super Bowl results and the
S&P." But no one did. It was only looking
back that the coincidence was noted.

“On the other hand," Goldberg
explains, “had someone predicted, in
1966, that some variable, he did not know
which, would offer a sequence perfectly
matched" to the annual direction of the
S&P, “we should not be in the slightest
surprised in 1983 to find that he turned
out to be correct.”

If it hadn't been the Super Bowl, it
would have been temperature readings in
Grosse Pointe or any of 13,000 other varia-

bles you could look at. Except that the
Super Bowl chance correlation was
noticed because so many guys who follow
football follow the market. Other chance
says, there—
you're just not likely to notice them.

Case closed. Except, boy, it's still a
heck of a coincidence to be just a coinci-
dence. ... Do you think Howard Cosell
could be involved in this thing someplace?

correlations, he are out

CHARTS

Most investment systems are technical
in nature. I don't mean technical in the
sense of complicated, though many are
that, too; І mean technical as distin-
guished from fundamental. A fundamen-
talist looks at a stock in terms of the
underlying assets it represents. What are
they worth? A technician looks at patterns
of price movements and at charts, at rules
such as "A market that goes up the first
week in January is likely to be up for the
entire year."

Fora good dose of this, you might try to
scare up a copy of Hou the Average Inves-
lor Can Use Technical Analysis for Stock
Profits, by James Dines (Dines Chart
Corporation, 1972). Dines, long asso-
ciated with an enthusiasm for gold,
was described in "Adam Smith's" The
Money Game as being "so pessimistic

he must make up adverbs—'unmecch-

ingly'—to describe his pessimism.”

But Dines—whose pessimism has waned

a bit—is also one of the smartest tech-
nicians around. His book is 599 pa
long, but that shouldn't stop the Average
Investor. In it, he will learn of pennant
bottoms, megaphone bottoms, wedge bot-
toms, false breakouts, head-and-shoulders
formations (for those embarrassing white
flecks on your charts), saucer tops, tomb-
stone tops, Prussian-helmet tops, the Se:
sonal Rule for Years Ending in Eight (not
once in this century has the Dow finished
lower than it started in a year ending in
eight), the Dines Buoyancy Index, the
Dines 30 Tick Rule, the Dines 90-109 Rule
and more.

Here's the way I read charts: If a stock
is real low, I take it as a good sign. ll it's
real high, I steer clear

1 am vaguely aware of some of the more
sophisticated charting techniques and of
the relationship, held by charüsts to be
crucial, between price movements and
trading volume

There are even logical
underpinnings for some of this. But to put
more than a little weight on a stock's chart
in deciding whether or not to buy it is
well, listen to a writer named Thomas
Gibson, as quoted in The Money Game:

“There is an incredibly large num-
ber of traders who pin their faith to
the so-called ‘chart system’ of specu-
lation which recommends the study of
past movements and prices, and bases
operations thereon. So popular is this
plan that concems which make a

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PLAYBOY

business of preparing and issuing
such charts do a thriving business."

‘This quote, Adam Smith tells us, comes
from The Pitfalls of Speculation, published
by Moody's in 1906. It continues:

“There are various offshoots and
modifications of the system, but the
basic plan is founded wholly on repe-
tition, regardless of actual conditions.
[Meaning that past patterns will
repcat themselves, regardless of the
fact that out in the real world a leak
may have occurred in a fertilizer plant
owned by the company whose stock
chart you are analyzing, killing and
injuring 200,000 people.] The idea
is untrustworthy, absolutely fatuous
and highly dangerous."

"This, Adam Smith notes, was published
some ycars before Moody's went into the
chart business.

NOW I KNOW WHAT
WE WERE LOOKING FOR
WHEN WE SENT THOSE GUYS
TO THE MOON

An otherwise respectable Harvard Busi-
ness School graduate several years into a
successful career on Wall Street came to
me once with a book relating cycles in
human emotions to phases of the moon.
Those cycles, he argued—the market
being driven as much by emotion as by
anything—could be used to predict move-

ments in the stock market. The book, by
Dr. Arnold Lieber, was called The Lunar
Effect: Biclogical Tides and Human Emo-
tions, Everybody knows the moon's effect
on water—high tide, low tide—and every-
body knows human beings are 80 percent
water, so there you are! There were certain
days every few months, my friend said,
when the lunar phase virtually guaranteed
а major stock-market move.

In a burst of uncharacteristic charity, T
decided not to tell anyone of his theories or
reveal his name (Mason Speed Sexton,
Harvard M.B.A., 1972).

For this column, though, I figured I
would track him down and, promising
anonymity, find out just how badly his
astrological fling had gone and what he
was up to now.

Well!

Far from giving it up, he and partner
Michael S. Jenkins, a seasoned mutual-
fund manager, now sit at the offices of
Rooney, Pace Inc. w York, managing
money and publishing a biweekly newslet-
ter called “Harmonic Research.” The
moon thing is part of it (well, people do
become more aggressive during periods of
full moon, if only because they have more
light to fight by; weather and agriculture
are affected by lunar forces). But “Наг-
monic Research” attempts to encompass
all kinds of cycles, not just lunar ones,
ranging from the long waves, such as the
50-year Kondratieff Wave, to the rather
more complicated Elliot Wave, to waves

“So much for your theory of group therapy for
the treatment of the sexually obsessed."

that have no names but that scream off the
charts if you just know how to look.

Sexton and Jenkins see the markets as
psychological lakes. Into those lakes from
time to time have been dumped all man-
ner of pebbles, houlders, rocks and sand,
each rippling out endlessly, forever and
ever. (They could explain this better than
1 can, but they're tied up on the phone.)
Often, the lake is a jumble of these waves,
with, say, a couple of sizable up cycles
more or less canceling out a bunch of down
cvcles. But from time to time there's more
of a confluence—all the important waves
are running in harmony, all headed up or
down in their cycle—and then, oh, boy,
big stuff. (You will recall the Not the New
York Times parody that had the Queens-
boro Bridge collapsing from the harmonic
vibrations of 10,000 New York City mara-
thoners all jogging in cadence.)

The essence of the newsletter each issue
is a calendar for the ten trading days
ahead, telling what the market will do on
each of those days. For the day I was in
Sexton and Jenkins’ office, they had pre-
dicted a trend change between noon and
one, with the Dow Jones industrial average
showing a loss for the day. I arrived at one,
their prediction, published a weck earlier,
firmly under my arm, and found them in a
state of some excitement. "It's turning!
It's turning!” they were saying, as the
Dow, which had been up as much as eight
points that day, began to fall. “This could
turn out to be one of our most courageous
calls," Speed was saying to Mike, between
efforts to explain how their system worked.
By 1:13 the Dow was up only five.

By 1:20 it was up only three, and Mike
began placing shorts, betting that the mar-
ket would go lower.

Speed was telling me about "killer
waves.” Mike was telling me about “mas-
ter reverse mirror-image symmetry." If
you look at a chart of the stock market, or
of a single stock, you'll see it—the left side
of the mountain looking like the reverse of
the right side, the whole thing looking like
jagged edges cut out of a folded piece of
paper that's then unfolded. You think all
this happens by chance? By 1:40 the Dow
had bounced a hair, but by 2:07 it was up
only 2.80 on the day.

Mike points to the markets first hitting
1000 in 1966, takes a tape he's marked off
and stretches it out 1000 davs. It falls on
another market top. You think that's coin-
cidence? We try it at a market low, 570 on
the Dow in 1974, and stretch the tape
ahcad 570 days to the next major high
You think that's coincidence? There is a
definite relationship between price and
time in these cycles. Amplitudes and peri-
odicity. You and I don’t understand it, but
then you and I haven't spent years work-
ing with the charts and the computers and
a sixth sense that tells us how to use these
things. The Dow, at 2:13, is up less than a
point. It could go negative.

Say I, “Gee. Once you program
in all the cycles, you could print out

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PLAYBUY

Reporters, police depart-
ments, even a famous
consumer advocate all put
our famous TV gunshot

test to the test. Witha
high-powered rifle, they
blasted a half-inch hole
clear through our No. 15
lock. And in case after
case, all documented,

* thelock held tigh
Bullet proof that Master
locks really are
tough under fire!

Tough under fire.

CHANGING
YOUR ADDRESS?

Please let us know! Notify us at least 8 weeks before
you move to your new address, so you won't miss any
copies on your PLAYBOY subscription. Here's how:

1 On a separate sheet, attach your mail

9 label

from a recent issue. Or print your name and
address exactly as it appears on your label.

2 Print your new address on
б

the sheet as well

um" PLAYBOY

P.O. Box 2420
Boulder, CO 80302

the ups and downs of the market for the
next 20 years! Does this mean you could
actually write all your newsletters at
the beginning of the year and then go on
vacation?”

I am being a wise-ass, but Speed says,
“Yeah. Probably.” (The Dow, at 2:28, is
now down three.) Only, as Mike points
out, wave lengths are not always constant
and vary with the height of the Dow (or
whatever else you're scoping out). What's
more, while the interacting cycles are
awfully good at calling turning points in
the market, sometimes, maddeningly, the
turning point turns out to be the opposite
of what's predicted. Instead of zooming up
on the appointed day, it may zoom down.
(Of course, even the knowledge that the
market will zoom on a particular day can
be played to great advantage by buying
options straddles—your broker will be
thrilled to explain what these are—or, at
least, by limiting your losses with "stop-
loss” orders, in case the call happens to be
dead backward.) The Dow, at 2:42, is now
down less than a point—but “Harmonic
Research” has called for a strong close this
day, so I shouldn’t be too surprised, Speed
says, now that it has, indeed, dropped
about eight points since one o'clock, to see
it close up for the day.

Mike shows me more of the cycles on
the charts, more of the symmetry, more of
the 30-degree, 45-degree, 60-degree and
90-degree angles that have special mean-
ings, and the half, third and quarter cycle
points. There's a natural rhythm to it, he
says (and this is a man whose mutual
fund, when he managed one, was up 45
percent in 1979), a cadence, a harmony.
Mike has been working on translating the
chart into—yes—a symphony. It’s not
done yet, but one day you could sit back
and listen to The Dow Jones Industrial Sym-
phony—the 1982nd or the 1983rd or the
1984th—with the oboe, tuba and flute,
perhaps, representing the separate move-
ments of Merck, G.M. and Scars.

The Dow closes the day down

1 had promised Speed before I arrived
that Г'@ keep an open mind, and, while it
was naturally impossible for me to keep it
open very far, I must tell you I was more
impressed than I had expected to be. Not
by that day's call, which by itself meant
nothing, but by the over-all effort. There
are lots of "cycle jockeys,” Speed and
Mike admit, but few, if any, who've devel-
oped the art as far as they have.

"This isn't to say the Dow will necessar-
ily peak at 3600 in November 1988, as they
prediet; or that they'll be able to com-
pound their money, or yours, at ten
percent a month, as they hope (move over,
J. P. Morgan); or even that they won't
ultimately wind up losing a bundle. But
their predictions should be fun to track.
Next quarter, ГЇЇ report to you on how
they've done and will add billions to your
millions with the revelation of several
more market-beating systems.

1
8

Sa u aE

uct grow

“That could be you and me in the bunkhouse tonight, sugar.”

PLAYBOY

208

ГТО RE | ni (continued from page 124)

“Make a martini right and you'll have learned some-
thing about putting harmony back into your life.”

time to stint. Use the back of a spoon. Fill

that flagon half-full, Good. Speaking of

flagons, spend a minute р
tainer. Silver is the best
glass will do nicely. Avoid base metals.
Under no circumstances are you to so
much as touch that trashy shaker with the
painted-on cocktail recipes that came with
the bar set Betty Lou gave you last Christ-
mas, just before she dumped you for the
programmer. It’s cheap and vulgar. So
was she. Send it to her for a wedding pres-
ent, together with that set of coasters
shaped like jockstraps that say, FOR YOUR
HIGH BALLS. This is a mood as much as a
drink. Aesthetics are critical.

Take your gla: stem; straight, flar-
ing shoulders; deep, wide, conical bowl.
Not the kind with the thick sides and the
knobby stem. You know the kind I mean:
Bacall stared at Bogey over this glass. Art
deco in all caps. You learned how to pro-
nounce panache so vou could describe this
glass. Rinse it; place it in the freezer.

Now for your vermouth. Measure it into
a little silver jigger or a liqueur glass and
from there pour it into the awaiting chal-
ice. Measure it, I said! One ounce—no

ing your con-
, but clear

more, no less.
nonc of that

That's right, one ounce,

edropper stull—you’re
You're looking for a
drink, not an icc pick between the c

OK, now the gin. Since vou are going to
is stuff, it should be aromatic.
That means it's well flavored with juniper
berries and a host of other exotica
Don't just slop it in, measure it. Remem-
ber what I said about the vermouth. Three
ounces, no more. That's right, three—not
ten, not seven, not five—three. Three to
one, maybe four—never more. Within that
critical range, the gin, the vermouth and
the ice marry, and their union yields some-
thing that is at once all of them and none
of them—a true martini. The vermouth
and the ice bevel the edge of the gin, leav-
ing only the aromatic, crystalline purity.
The gin neutralizes the bitter unctuous-
ness of the vermouth. Make it right and
you'll have learned something about put-
ting harmony back into your life—and
face it, you could use a little. Any fool can
dribble gin over ice; only a gentleman can
make a martini.

Sür it. Stir it good and hard. Water is
essential to a properly made marti
Water comes from the melting ice, so you

“I like sex in the morning—right after Bill
goes lo work."

have to stir it. Five or ten good swirls, Or
shake it—forget that "bruise the gin" noi
sense. The only danger is overdoing and
thercby overdiluting it. Your mounting

icipation should check any steps in that

Now take your glass out of the freezer.
t? All frosted and
clean-looking. Hold it by the stem, take
your strainer or the spoon you used to
crack the ice, place it over the top of your
mixing vessel and pour. Not to the very
top, becausc you don't want to have half
your martini run down your chin. You quit
being déclassé five minutes ago.

You're ready for the last touch: a very
thin inch. l-a-half section of freshly
sliced lemon peel. Hold it over the top of
the glass— perhaps two inches distant—
and twist gently, then drop the peel into
the martini. Notice I said lemon peel, but
I'm flexible—use an olive if you prefer. Be
creative. A tiny onion can be nice, too.
The ones imported from Holland are best.
Good straight, too. (Technically, this
moves us out of martini and into gibson—
there, now, Гуе added two drinks to your
repertoire.) Each variant—lemon, olive,
onion—adds a subtle shading of its own.
You pick. After all, it’s your life, isn't it?

There. You've made a martini. Not
many people can say that, so your day is
looking brighter already, and the best is
yet to come. Don't drink it yet. You'll have
enough left in your pitcher for a second
martini; but if you let it sit, it will turn into
gin-flavored ice water. So strain the resi-
due into a clear-glass container—pref-
erably one you keep solely for this
purpose—and place it in your freezer.

Now, at last. You have two choices. You
may take that first, incredibly grat
sip and feel your troubl
the layers on an oni
said —you're out of the boilermaker league
now, so act as if you've got a little class).
Alternatively, you may take the drink—
preferably on a small silver tray—out into
your living room, put on some Mozart, sit
down in a comfortable chair and let the
cares of the day slough into the past.
That's the ticket. Say, you do know your
way around, don't you? Don't touch that
TV; don't read that mail; if you read any-
thing, fine, as long as it's fiction or verse
written before 1900.

Aaah! Ohhh! Yes, yes, yes. Right there.
Oh, God, don't stop. Was it good for vou?
You never knew it could be like that, did
you? Next time, try it in the bathtub, with
that same book and a little quiet music. Or
re. Maybe even
with a friend (double the recipe). Maybe
even with a friend the bathtub. Sure.
That's it. A fri y not? Tomorrow,
you'll make a friend. You'll sec. Tonight,
you've already got one—that's you, you
bon vivant. Cheers.

WELCOME TO

RICH TASTE AT LESS A CARTON*

100's: 14 mg. "tar", 1.2 mg.
nicotine av. per cigarette by

“Mfg. suggested retail price is
ЕТС Method.

$1.00 less a carton than full-priced | Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined
brands. Kings: 14 mg. "tar",

1.1 mq. nicotine av. per cigarette by
FTC Method.

That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health.

1984 Liggett Group Inc.

РЇ AY BOY

ON-THE

GROOMING

-SCENE

DARK-TAN-STRUTTER'S BALL

tunately, the sun has set on that dumb idea and has
risen on some slick ones—tanning lotions that are
designed to get you as mocha as a coconut with a minimum
of burning and keep you bronzed all the way through Labor

emember when you used to rub your body with
R baby oil and iodine to acquire a drop-dead tan? For-

Day. Since every brand from Aramis to DeepTan-X has its
particular blend of oils and chemicals, your best bet is to
read the labels and pick a degree of protection that best fits
your complexion. It took us days to choose the four screens
and lotions squeezed out below on our models’ lovely
backs. Yeah, it was a tough job, but somebody had to do it.

It's the dark-tanning side of the moon, and the lady just below is wearing little else but Coppertone's Lite Formula Suntan Lotion S.P.F. 4, by

Plough, about $4.50. Our middle maid has on minimum protection

(left to right) Jovan Dial-a-Tan S.P.F. 4-2-0 Deep Tanning Lotion,

$5.50; and DeepTan-X sunscreen, by Solar Products, $3.75. The last ray seeker is prone for Aramis 900 S.P.F. 20, а maxisunscreen, $6.50.

J, VERSER ENGELHARD

GEAR
READY! AIM! FIRE!

ov'd think a high-technology field such as photog-
raphy could easily outshine the weapons industry,
but it has taken centuries to get a camera to work as
simply as the crossbow— point the thing and shoot.
Now there's a whole slew of bumbleproof 35 mm cameras
just waiting to be aimed and fired. All the new super-

automatics pictured here boast features such as automatic
speed setting, focus and film winding and rewinding (one
even advances the film to the end of the roll automatically
and then rewinds it as you shoot), but you don't have to
know all the jargon. All you have to do is remember to
slide the lens cover back. Automation has its limits, after all

Top row, left to right: The Super Sport 35, Pentax latest autofocus, will automatically set your film speed if you use DX-compatible film. It's from

Standard Photo, Chicago, $228. The Fuji DL-200, an unusual camera, automatically advances the film to the last frame and then exposes it in
reverse, thus belter protecting exposed frames from light and giving an accurate count of the exposures remaining, $260. Nikon's L135AF is a point-
and-shooter that’s about as automatic as you can get; auto features include focus, exposure, flash, film advance, film loading and film rewind, $162
Bottom row, left to right: The Minolta Freedom II is a slick little compact automatic that does all the work for you and slips easily into a pocket,
$175.50. The last of our point-and-shoot 35mm cameras, the MC, comes with a snap-on automatic flash and infrared focus, by Canon USA, $295

DAVE JORDANO

214

POTPOURRI

NEWPORT EEACI

см.

жау

А RER THE SIX SIDES OF LOVE
CONCOURS L'ELECAPCI
Go DL tony Claw U

You say the Samoan basket trick no
longer tickles vour—or your girlfriend's—
fancy? Then iry Love Cubes, “the
orld's most romantic game for couples."
sing, fondling, stripping . - . thats
what Love Cubes is all about. Two
acrylic cubes, a velvet bag and instruc-
tions are $25, from Love Cubes, Lid.,
P.O. Вох 9169, San Diego 92109. If your
date rolls Уре, hang on to your
socks: You won't be wearing them long.

ART ON WHEELS
As all late-night-video freaks too well know, Earl Scheib paints cars
Ninety-nine ninety-five, No ups, no extras. Harold James Cleworth also
paints cars. Ten thousand dollars. No ups. no extras. But while Scheib's
canvas is—in most cases—the four-wheel flotsam and jetsam of the city
streets, achines as the Auburn boattail
speedster pictured here, and his canvas is canvas. Fortunately, his
superrealistic megabuck originals are also available as posters in shops
across the country. (The Auburn goes for $25 unframed, $150 in a signed,
limited-edition series.) Or send $5 to McDougal Street, 12352 Laurel Ter-
race Drive, Studio City, California 91604, for a catalog. Fine cars! Fine art!

Zleworth focuses on such exoti

GREAT HEAD KING FOR A DAY
"The next time you havc an "The duke of Edinburgh buys his bowlers
urge to decorate your apart- from James Lock and the queen acquires
ment like a John Dempsey car- her unmentionables from a very mention-
toon (you know—the one able store—Rigby & Peller. All this is
where a great-white-hunter revealed in Nina Grunteld's The Royal
type is showing some swect Shopping Guide, a William Morrow hard-
young thing around his apart- cover that tells you, for a price that a
ment and every inch of wall commoner can aflord— $15.95— "How
space is covered with wild- and Where to Shop L the Royal Fam-
а! al heads), instead of kill- ily.” The royal marmalade? It’s from
ing something, simply drop Frank Cooper. As if you had to ask
Pete Rachel a line. His com-
pany, Wildlife Interiors, 3415 f
Kelly Street, Hayward, Cali- i 4

94541, specializes in all K t

sizes of fiberglass mounts, from
t-sized dik-dik for $350 to
ed hippo for $4000—
and you can't tell them from
the real things. (Eddie Bauer
sporting goods is one of
Rachel's clients.) Other mounts Ais
on Wildlife Interiors extensive m
list include an Indian tiger for
$500, a huge white rhino for
$550, an clephant-foot
umbrella stand/wastebasket
for $250 and a donkey

for $400. A donkey?

Now, who'd want to put /
that up on the wall? '

WOOF VIDEO

Everyone is saying that TV
has bcen going to the dogs, but
this is ridiculous. Mike
part owner of

atellite Services, 1125
Grand Avenue, Suite 701,
Kansas City, Missouri 64106,
has created a pilot Dog TV
program designed to hold a
canine's attention, and judging
from viewers' reactions, the
show is destined to be a howl-
ing success. Just $21.95 gets
you a 13-minute video tape in
Beta or VHS. Coming pro-
grams will include Midnight
with David Doberman. That
should also be a bitch ofa show.

SYMPATHY FROM
THE DEVILISH

Condolences for a bad haircut
regrets for impotence—they re
in Special Moments, 24 mail-
ready grecting cards bound
into a softcover Ballantine
book that's only $5.95. Our
favorite? “Be My 100th
à hunk on the
cover and a verse that reads:
“Since the days of my pubescence
Ihave parked my bold tumescence
In fourscore and nineteen lovers—
It's no small accomplishment!
So come be my hundredth lover
And I promise you'll discover
That your time with me,
Though short, will be
The best you ever spent!”

DYNASTY PILES IT ON
TV's aristocratic family the

Carringtons of Dynasty
expanding their power bı

10 bottle
y—vet. Carrington

House Carpets have just been
introduced by Horizon Indus-
tries ol Calho

TV Carringtons, cach
own personality. (Your decora-
tor will supply samples and
prices.) We м.
kicking up your heels on your
new Carrington. You are danc-
ing on the carpet, aren't you?

à scc you

MAN WITH THE IRON GLOVE
Don't laugh. The next time you sit down for some
heavy-duty labor/management negotiations or a
no-holds-barred board-of-directors meeting, a
stainless-steel chain-mail glove (left hand stand-
ard; right hand to order) just may come in handy.
Allison Forge, P.O. Box 767, Brookline, M
chusetts 02146, sells the glove for $99, postpaid.
in sizes medium or large. (Large is very large.)
And for S2, the company offers a catalog contain-
ing many other oddball items. Far out!

DON’T LOOK NOW, MOMMA
Cockroach aprons, a nuclear-war card game.
bottled bad breath—they’re all in Gifts
You Wouldn't Give Your Mother, by John Davis,
a $5.95 publication from
only the strong will su
sick buttons? Just drop Ephemera, Inc., a line at
275 Capp Street, San Francisco 94110. Any of
the ones pictured—.
perverted ones that
each with a $5 minimum order. Say
your mother know you're reading thi

215

Boobs, Bangles and Beads

We've looked at actress LISA EILBACHER from both sides now
and we're impressed with the beadwork. Lisa's midseason TV
series Me & Mom calls for more conservative clothes, but
shell still be wearing the smile. When you play a detective, you
need all the ammunition available. And Lisa, obviously, has
more than enough.

Blackie Gives a
Little Head

Right up front, we admit we
have no shame. Here's the
ever-popular BLACKIE LAW-
LESS of W.A.S.P. in concert
with his ass out. But that's
what you can expect from a
guy who keeps a skull around
for a prop. If this leaves you
wishing for more, you can
catch him in The Dungeon-
master at a theater near you.
Heavy metal lives.

That Joey—
Such a Card

The Ramones’ last album, Too
Tough to Die, was great, but you
didn't buy enough copies. To get
even, JOEY hopes you'll land on
Boardwalk—after he has put up a
few hotels.

More Is [&lie

We know you're asking yourself,
“Where have I seen actress LESLIE
BREMER before?” We can help

Br dreams tonight?

Chaka Proof

It turns out that the extraordinary
CHAKA KHAN voice and hair
aren't her only socko parts.
Now that the Grammys have
recognized her music, we

want you to recognize the

rest of her.

Oh, Boy, Oh, Boy, Oh, Boy
George

Said the lovely GABRIELLA PALMANO
about this photo: “I just got my breasts out
fora laugh. People are far too prudish
sm abeut sex” Said the lovely BOY
GEORGE: “I had a great time.
\ ! guess it shows that all the
girls | go around with aren't

gender benders.”

218

NEXT MONTH

GOOD HOPE CITY SUMMER

“THE REAL STUFF"—HERE'S EVERYTHING TOM WOLFE
DIDNT TELL YOU ABOUT AMERICA'S TOP AIR ACE, RE-
CALLED IN HIS OWN WORDS AND THOSE OF HIS WIFE
AND FLYING BUDDIES. FOR STARTERS, HE ADMITS HE
ENTERED FLIGHT TRAINING PARTLY TO GET OUT OF
KP.—BY CHUCK YEAGER WITH LEO JANOS

“HEIRS OF THE PERISPHERE"—THINGS WERE NEVER
LIKE THIS WHEN WALT WAS ALIVE IN THIS STORY,
MIK, DUN AND GUF FACE A VASTLY CHANGED
FUTURE—BY HOWARD WALDROP

“KEEPING UP WITH MISS JONES”—GRACE, THE BAD
GIRL IN THE NEWEST JAMES BOND MOVIE, A VIEW TO A
KILL, POSES FOR SOME BAAAD PICTURES FOR US.
WAIT TILL YOU SEE HER BEST FRIEND!

“THE SPIKE"—ONLY IN CALIFORNIA, WE SUSPECT,
COULD THE GAME OF TWO-MAN VOLLEYBALL HAVE
BEEN DEVELOPED INTO A PRO SPORT. BUT THE
SERPENT ENTERS THIS SUBTROPICAL EDEN WHEN
PLAYERS STRIKE WHILE THE SAND IS HOT. A SAGA OF
CULTURE SHOCK—BY MIKE SAGER

“CONFESSIONS OF A VIDEO FANATIC"—IT STARTS
INNOCENTLY ENOUGH. YOU BUY A VCR JUST TO

AMAZING GRACE

TAPE A COUPLE OF PROGRAMS A WEEK OR WATCH
SOME RENTAL MOVIES. YOU END UP BUYING TWO
MORE VCRS AND TAPES BY THE CASE, OWNING A
COMPLETE LIBRARY OF MONTY PYTHON AND BECOM-
ING AN EXPERT ON HOW OFTEN A LADY NEWSCASTER
WEARS THE SAME DRESS—BY PAUL SLANSKY

JAMIE LEE CURTIS TALKS ABOUT MARRIAGE, DOPE,
NUDITY, HOLLYWOOD AND PLASTIC SURGERY IN A
FAST-MOVING “20 QUESTIONS”

"BREATHE DEEP"—A DOWN-ON-HIS-LUCK GAMBLER
SENSES SOMETHING IN THE AIR IN VEGAS, WITH EX-
PLOSIVE RESULTS—BY DONALD E. WESTLAKE

PLUS: MISS JULY, THE DELECTABLE HOPE MARIE
CARLTON; FASHIONS FOR "SUMMER IN THE CITY,"
BY HOLLIS WAYNE; A LOOK AT ORAL SEX AS POWER
PLAY IN "WHO'S IN CHARGE HERE?" BY SUSAN
SQUIRE; A SURPRISING PLAYBOY INTERVIEW WITH
HOT NEW DIRECTOR AND FORMER MEATHEAD ROB
REINER, TALKING ABOUT FATHER CARL, EX-WIFE
PENNY MARSHALL AND MUCH, MUCH MORE

MAJOR MONON

MOVE DYER!

MAKE WAY FOR THE NISSAN 300 ZX.
FUEL-INJECTED • TURBO-CHARGED * V-6 • 200 HORSEPOWER * 3-WAY ADJUSTABLE SHOCKS.
AWESOME!

АТ DATSUN DEALERS

(SON TE Buckingham Corp.

The day was spent in the corporate arena. Now it's time for another kind of sport. And the evening's on ice.
Nothing cases the transition like the smooth, mellow taste of Cutty Sark” A taste to savor.

Cutty Sark. You earned it.

To send a gift of Cutty Sark anywhere in the U.S., call I-800-BE-THERE. Void where prohibited

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