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BORN (AND BRED) 


IN THE U.S.A. 


TOYOTA 1 8 TURBO 


RIDE TALL 

Hi-Trac independent front 
suspension keeps plenty of 
daylight between you and 
the ground. It smoothes the 
ride and helps you stay in 
Control over the rough stuff. 


The 4x4 ECT automatic | 
overdrive transmission 
gives you “Normal” and 

“Power” dual shift modes 
for easy highway cruising { 
and full-power off-roading. " 


GETUPAN'GO 

Toyotas 4x4 Gas-Turbo SR5 Xtracab Sport Truck 

is pure off-road dynamite. It has the only gas-turbo 
available in a small truck, a 24 liter electronically 
ККЕ engine that cranks out 135 hp at 4800 
rpm. The turbo 4x4 із another 

reason Toyota is #1 in small 

truck sales” 


Get More From Life 
.. Buckle Up! 


r Calendar Year 1986, Ward's Automotive Reports. 
361986 Toyata Moto Sales USA; Inc» 


PLAYBILL 


world is on video. “Do I marry her? 
Do 1 ice her?" The tal words were spoken by Charley 
the hit man, the central figure of Pr s Honor (available on 
video). Richard Condon, author of more than 21 nov brings 
Charley and his first love, Maero back in a prequel called 
Prizzi's Family. Our excerpt (illustrated by Robert Risko) is part of 
a novel that will be published in September by G. P. Putnam. 
that one good hit deserves another, we also present 
‘oust Editor Stephen Randall. It’s the 
target is the neighborhood dogs. 
ine One Hundred and 
but who cares?) meeting 


SOMETIMES, IT SEEMS the whol 


mi 


Figuring 
Hush Puppies, by West 
story ofa Yuppie hit ma 
(Bill Benway supplies th 
One Dalmatians (not available on videc 
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (available on video) to get the idea. 
We like to read. It's one of the few forms of entertainment that 
don’t come with a warning from the FBI about illegal copying 
However, for those of you who get your jollies electronically, we 
have put together a fantastic video six-pack. P. J. O'Rourke sets a 
fine legal atmosphere with The Ethics of Video Dubbing. Is it right 
to make a copy of that rental tape? Is it worth the bother? Kevin 
Cook interrupted his self-education in quantum mechanics (he 
hopes to discover a plaid quark) to write The VCR Date. Former 
Saturday Night Live writer Anne Beatts makes а two: 
app nce in талуноу with The All-Time Best Gals’ Mı 
of videos that will drive dates crazy, and a Travel column. James 
R. 
sexual advice: The All-Time Best Guys’ Movies. rLaynoy Contrib- 
uting Editor Bruce Williamson provides a guide to X-rated films in 
Adult Movies, Grow Up! (The video revolution has taken sex out 
of the streets and theaters and put it back where it belongs, in the 
bedroom.) Associate Fiction Editor Teresa Grosch gives a defini- 
›фсот. 
nother newcomer to PLWRBOY. You've seen his 
h: Не co-wrote the magazine article that was 
the basis for Dog Day Afternoon. While ге 
novel, MacArthur's Ghost, he spent some time in the vicinity of 
Subic Bay. Why They Love Us im the Philippines is a dark tour of 


whos 


graphics.) In 


or one first 


s, a list 


rsen, the Playboy Advisor, dispenses an alternate form of 


RANDALL 


tive rundown of microwave vegetable groups in Nuclear 
P. F. Kluge із 
work before, thou 


MOUNT 


arching his fourth 


Olongapo, home of 16,000 prostitutes, Miss this and we'll make 
you polish all of Imelda's shoes. 

For those of you who need a break from ESPN, check iri with 
Anson Mount for Playboy's Pro Football Preview. Will Jim MeMahon 
s spokesman? Will the Fridge sco 
McDonald's ad? Our peerless p 
scoop. Andrew Tobias gives us a Quarterly Report on Spreads, 
which is not а betting scheme. If you make a killing in the foot- 
ball pool, you can spend time reading Wines to Bank On, by Rob- 
ert M. Parker, Jr. Smart money ki and how to protect it 
Now that you've bought the Ferrari, perhaps you'd like to know 


continue as Hond another 


nosticator will give you the 


pws valu 


how to stop it. Montxo Algora provides diagrams for Hit the 
Brakes! by Contributing Editor Gary Witzenburg. 

We also have two killer interviews. Tony Schwartz took time ой 
from writing The Art of the Deal, with Donald Trump, to interview 
Carl Bernstein, the only living legend to be played by Dustin Hoff- 
man (in All the President's Men) and Jack Nicholson (in Heart: 
burn). Big deal? You bet. Next, it's time to put on your dancing 
shoes. Claudia Dreifus asked Gregory Hines 20 Questions and 
reports that she and the terpsichorean star of Running Scared 
became great pals DREIFUS SCHWARTZ 


This month also sees the third simultaneous appearance of a 
Playmate (Rebekka Armstrong) in the magazine and on video 
tape. Imagine being naked in two places at the same time. It 


bog 


s the mind. For those of you who like beauty the old- 


fashioned way, we have two dynamite pictorials: Farmers’ Daugh- 
ters and Belle of the Ball Club, starring Marla Collins, the ball girl 
for the Chicago Cubs. James Schnepf helped out on both shoots. 
He also took the picture of Andy Friendly for Fast Forward. Schnepf 
ently moved from Milwaukee to Los Angeles to let his lens do 


his work in future issues. And when 


member to rewind ALGORA 


ve: 


Salem Spirit 


Share the spirit. i 
Share the refreshment. Mong n 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking 
Causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease, 
Emphysema, And May Complicate Pregnancy. 


PLAYBOY 


vol. 33, no. 9—september 1986 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE 
PLAYBILL " 3 
DEAR PLAYBOY 9 
PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS 7 
SPORIS DAN JENKINS 29 
MEN ASA BABER 31 
WOMEN CYNTHIA HEIMEL 32 
THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR .. 35 
DEAR PLAYMATES: WHAT'S YOUR LAST SEXUAL FRONTIER? - 39 Formen? Daughter: 
THE PLAYBOY FORUM Е a 
SMUT-satire JULES FEIFFER 42 
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: CARL BERNSTEIN —candid conversation 49 640 
THE VCR DATE . КЕУІМ СООК 64 
NUCLEAR POPCORN TERESA GROSCH 66 
THE ALL-TIME BEST GUYS’ MOVIES JAMES R. PETERSEN 67 
THE ALL-TIME BEST GALS’ MOVIES ANNE BEATTS 67 
THE ETHICS OF VIDEO DUBBING P. J. O'ROURKE 68 
ADULT MOVIES, GROW UP! ....BRUCE WILLIAMSON 69 =e 
BELLE OF THE BALL CLUB—pictorial 72 
PRIZZI'S FAMILY —fiction RICHARD CONDON 80 
BACK TO CAMPUS—fashion HOLLIS WAYNE 82 
WHY THEY LOVE US IN THE PHILIPPINES—article P.F.KLUGE 88 
DESERT FLOWER—playboy's playmate of the month өз 
PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES—humor А 104 
HIT THE BRAKES !—street smarts GARY WITZENBURG 106 
20 QUESTIONS: GREGORY HINES à 108 Desert Playmate 
HUSH PUPPIES—fiction STEPHEN RANDALL 110 
WINES TO BANK ON—article....... ROBERT М. PARKER, JR. 112 
PLAYBOY'S PRO FOOTBALL PREVIEW —sports ANSON MOUNT 114 
FARMERS' DAUGHTERS—pictorial . 2s 118 
THE PLAYBOY GALLERY 129 
QUARTERLY REPORTS: SPREADS—article ANDREW TOBIAS 135 
FAST FORWARD. 144 
PLAYBOY ON THE SCENE 173 


Broke Fast P. 106 


COVER STORY 

A heovenly hick if we've ever seen one, February Playmate Julie McCullough 
plays every traveling salesman's dream come true to send off this month's 
pictorial on America's most beautiful rural girls. Julie was photographed by 
Contributing Photographer Stephen Waydo, who had help from hair stylist 
John Victor, make-up artist Susan Neckopolous and stylist Lee Ann Perry 
And where's that elusive Rabbit Head? Take a tip: The hare’s on a tear. 


PLAYBOY 


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Simple to install, he delivers without paying an arm and a leg. Get 
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your home stereo system—or with a pair dimension of home entertainment. 

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REC ата Мт * THE PROVEN PERFORMERS 


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PLAYBOY 


HUGH М. HEFNER 
editor and publisher 


ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director 
and associate publisher 
TOM STAEBLER art director 
RY COLE photography director 
G. BARRY GOLSON executive editor 


EDITORIAL 
NONFICTION: jou REZEK articles editor; FIC 
TION: ALICE K TURNER editor; TERESA GROSCH asso 
ciate editor; WEST COAST: STEPHEN RANDALL 
editor; STAFF: GRETCHEN EDGREN, WILLIAM J 
HELMER, PATRICIA PAPANGELIS (administration 


DAVID STEVENS senior editors; WALTER LOWE, JR 
JAMES R. PETERSEN senior staff writers; BARRARA 
NELLIS, KATE NOLAN, SUSAN MARGOLIS- WINTER 
new york) associate editors; BRUCK. KLUGER assist 
ant editor; KANDI KLINE traffic coordinator; MOD- 
ERN LIVING: ED WALKER associate editor; JIM 
BARKER assistant editor; FASHION: HOLLIS WAYNE 
editor; CARTOONS: MICHELLE URRY editor 
COPY: ARLENE ROURAS editor; JOYCE комм assist 
ant editor; CAROLYN BROWNE. MARCY MARCHI 


CAMPAGNA, PHILLIP COOPER, STEPHEN FORSLING, BARI 
NASH, MARY ZION researchers; CONTRIBUTING 
EDITORS: ASA HABER, K JEAN CARROLL, LAURENCH 
GONZALES, LAWRENCE GROBEL. DAN JENKINS, D. KEITH 
MANO, ANSON MOUNT, REG POTTERTON, RON REAGAN, 
DAVID RENSIN, RICHARD RHODES, JOHN SACK, DAVID 
EFF, DAVID STANDISH, BRUCE WILLIAMSON (movies 


GARY WITZENBURE 
ART 

KERIG POPE managing director; CHET SUSKI, LEN 

WILLIS senior directors; BRUCK MANSEN, THEO KOU 

VATSOS associate directors; KAREN GAERE, RAREN 


GUTOWSKY junior directors; y 
ant director; YRANK LINDNER, DANIEL. REED, ANN 
жи. art assistants; BARBARA HOFFMAN administra: 


PH PACZEK assist 


live manager 


'HOTOGRAPHY 
RABOWSKI west coast editor; JEY COMEN 


MARI 


managing editor; LINDA KENNEY, JAMES LARSON, 
JANICE MOSES, MICHAEL ANN SULLIVAN associate edi 


lors; түту MEAUDET assistant editor; POMPEO 


rosar senior staf] photographer; DAVID MECEY 
Kinky MORRIS staff photographers; DAVID CHAN 
RICHARD FEGLEY, ARNY FREYTAG, RICHARD IZUI, STE 
mux мура contributing photographers; TRIN 


HERMSEN, ELYCE KAPOLAS stylists: JAMES WARD color 
lab supervisor 


PRODUCTION 

JONN MASTRO director; MARIA MANDIS manager 

ELEANORE WAGNER, JODY JURGETO, RICHARD 
QUARTAROLI, RITA JOHNSON assistants 

READER SERVIC 


CYNTHIA LACEY-SIKICN manager; LINDA STROM 
MIKE OSTROWSKI correspondents 


CIRCULATION 
RICHARD SMITH director; ALVIN WIEMOLD subscrip 
lion manager 

ADVERTISING 


SAUL STONE director 


ADMINISTRATIVE 
J P TIM DOMAN assistant publisher; MARCI 
TERKONES rights ÉS permissions manager; KLEEN 


KENT contracts administrator 


PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES, INC 
CHRISTIE HEFNER president 


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WHAT'S HOTTER THAN 7-ELEVEN'S 
COFFEE? OUR READERS! 

Lam writing this letter to you, as 1 am 
getting madder and madder at some peo- 
ple. Why don't they just mind their own 
business and leave well enough alone? My 
husband and | have been married 40 
years, We have three wonderful children— 
1wo fine young ladies and one great hand- 
some son—and now two sons-in-law 
named Jim and four wonderful grandchil- 
dren, ages II to 15, My husband and I 
have been smoking for 42 years. We are 
both very healthy and so ar 


ir children 


Now, all of a sudden, people say that 
smoking will kill us, Bull. Then they say 
that if you 


at or drink certain things that 


we have been eating or drinking all our 


lives, it’s bad for your health. I don't know 
how. We all lived this long. Now some jerks 


want to tell us what to r I have written 


to my governor, Senator and Congress- 
an, but nothing has come of it. We've 
tting rravmo for years. We send 
our son, Bill (in the Navy for 13 years 
now), a package ¢ 
goodies, including m.avnov, Reader's Digest 
and Mad magazine. 1 have received letters 
from so many of his buddies telling us how 
pur monthly packages. We send 
Jim (also in the Navy) a package with the 
same things. They both have Bibles 
We read the ptaynoys first, then send them 
on. My husband and I are 59 years young 
Thanks to 
zine, we 
always try something new, and it is gı 
If there is anyone else 1 can write to 
this current 7-Eleven problem, pl 
me know 


y month with a lot of 


they enj 


and we have a great marriage 
some of the articles in your m 


Mrs. J. Meyers 
Hesperia, California 


I never want my right to purchase your 
abridged. With this thought in 
am boycotting 7-Eleven stores 
How about a list of other Southland Cor- 
mpanies and pr 


Walter Naaf 
Elgin, Illinois 


alert! Recently, I stopped by my 
local Thrifty Drug Store just as it was pull- 
ing pLaynoy off the racks. Although I sub- 
scribe, this activity struck a nerve. Now is 
the time to decide: Are we Communists or 
Americans? 

D. A. Warne 

Los Angeles, California 


mavsoy should pick five Southland 
stores and, for a period of ten weeks, 
employ thr 


e pickets per store to distribute 
to all potential customers who either enter 
or just walk by the store the following 
handout 

“По not she t this market with com- 
munistic attitudes! Southland. wants to 
dictate what you can read or what you 
should г 


ad according to Southland 


ven) taste! In. Communist. Russia 
they control your mind. Pride in the good 
ol’ U.S.A. says we have a cl That's 
don't let South- 
racy from us 
the pickets every ten weeks to 
ГЇ bet you a nickel you'll 
on a hot tin roof 


the democratic way 
pur de 


some other are 
kick ass like 1с 
Please publish a list of the Senators who 


should be told that the Meese commission 


is coming down on our rights of “freedom 
of the press" and we subscribers will write 


to those Senators. 


Marty Benson 
Los Angeles, California 
Write to the Senators and Congressmen in 
your area, Marty. If our other readers do the 
same, we'll get the message across. As for boy- 
colting 7-Eleven, it's up to you. We certainly 
don't shop there anymore 


O, WHAT A FEELING 

Men and women perform no act with- 
out its being a selfish one, as noted by 
Mare and Judith Meshorer in their article 
Ultimate Pleasures (тлувоу, June and 
July). It is pointed out clearly that orgas- 
"or the 
from the experience. 


mic women go for the 
pleasure that they g 
The article clearly shows that orgasm is 
something a woman does for herself with 


gusto, 


Let's Start 
Something 
Special 


Say the word and we'll bring 
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month. You'll get 12 exciting 
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PLAYBOY 


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P.O. Box 51679 
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OR FOR SUBSCRIPTION 
ORDERS ONLY 
Call TOLL-FREE 
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Rate applies to U.S, US. Poss. 
APO-FPO addresses only. Canadian 


Tate: 12 issues $35. Other foreign: 12 
issues $35, in 1/5. currency only. 


PLAYBOY 


the aid of a cooperative partner who also 


while he gives it 


takes pleasure 


When men and women learn get 
pleasure from gi hey are on the road 
to successful sex. Orgasm is never the goal 
it is the by-product of taking pleasure for 


oneself, as the women quoted in the article 
so aptly describe 


The Meshorers 


physiole 


what our 
clearly 


point out 


al research has so 


hown: that every orgasmic woman is 


unique She is not 
confined by norms of behavior and shoulds 


and does her own thin 


and should nots but does what feels good 
Doin: 


for her it your way, as one of their 


s out, is important, In our 


ıs of women with different part 


ners, too many of them adjust to the man 
and his preference rather than doing their 
own thing. This article presents personal 


experiences that both men and women 


need to heed if they wish to get where they 
say they want to go sexually 


don't think about sex as often as men do, 
inhibit them. The 
Meshorers 


ex prepares women for it 


and this may women 


quoted by the that 
thinking 


and help 


about 
easier and 


them respond 


William E 
Marilyn A 
Long Beach, California 


Hartman, Ph.D. 


Thank you for the Meshorers 
Ultimate Pleasures. As 


very 
informative article 


»ecializ- 
I have long 


ind men 


a psychologist in private practice 


ing in intimacy and sexuality 


been aware th т women 


too), abandoning oneself to pleasure and 
building to exquisite orgasm is mostly an 


acquired skill. It takes what many men 


have been aware of all al Маг prac 


tice, a rich erotic-fantasy life and an active 


inv 


ment in the amorous choreog 


raphy 
of the boudoir 


The good lover of today doesn’t hay 


work hard to please a woman, His major 
task now is to let himself off the perform: 
ance hook, to lie back and relax and let the 
woman do more. Fc 


many men, as well as 


women, this is not going to be casy 


Stella Resnick, Ph.D. 
Los Angeles, California 


What a pleasure it was to read Ultimate 


Pleasures. The simple but elegant words of 


women who have found their way to con: 
sistent orgasmic response with their par 
offer justified 


hope to 


ners encouragement and 


the untold numbers of women who 


seck but have not a 
As resea 


ained that ability 


ch sexol 


sts who have exten 
sively studied women's orgasmic pattern: 
we are delighted to see such accurate and 
helpful information being made available 


the large readership reached by PLavnoy 
As the Meshorers 


attest d things will come 


women in the study 


А to women 


who know their own bodies intimately 


who turn 


who wish to feel sexual pleasure 


themselves on and who communicate their 


desires to their partners but take ultimate 


responsibility for their own с sms. 
Dwight Dixon, J.D., Ph.D. 
Joan K. Dixon. Ph.D 


San Diego, California 


KAREEM OF THE CROP 


It certainly has been interesting watch 
ing the carcer of Kareem Abdul-Jabbar 
and recognizing his superior athletic abil 
ity and his drive to win. Now, through 
Lawrence Linderman's Playboy Interview 
with Jabbar (June), we see a professional 
and personal side of Karcem never seen 


A great interview with a truly great 


be 
individual 
Richard K. Pomelear 
Westmont, New Jersey 


Your June Kareem 
Abdul-Jabbar hints at possible racism by 
the Boston Celtics 


interview with 


because they employ a 


ok at the 


majority of white players. Let 
history. They were the first N.B.A 
to have a black player, the first to 
1 majority of blacks on a team, the 


tart five blacks, the first to have a 


head coach—and they have 
black « The Celtic 


employment of blacks cannot 


sache 
concerning 
be attackec 


mended. 


and, in fact, should be com 


Nick Gravenites 
Santa Monica, California 


HIGH-INTENSITY CONTROVERSY 


I have just finished Asa Baber's fine 
article Smack in the Middle of a Low 
Intensity Conflict in the June issue of 
тлуноу, I agree with him totally, Qui 
few Americans are trying to “forget ¢ 


overlook” the El Salvadors, Philippines 


and Libyas, hoping that someday they all 
will disappear. It’s not that simple 

1 get out of the Marine Corps 
but E still have two years in active 


reserve left. I think we all 


in three 
days, 


should remem- 


ber what someone once said: “No one 
prays that America doesn't go to war more 
than the men and women of the Armed 
Forces 
Rick Davis 
Williamsburg, Kentucky 


Obviously, Baber went down south with 


à negative attitude about any American 


intervention in the countries on which he 
was reporting. It's sad that а Vietnam vet 


eran can't understand why or how this 


1 militarily in a situa 


nation gets in 
tion. like 
beautiful, but sometimes 
little things like keeping 


Then again, I'm sure if we have 


this. No, war isn't pleasant or 


sary for 
the ideal of free- 


dom alive 


а “dirty little war,” your sons will be safe 
Mr. Baber, hiding from a nonexistent draft 
in Canada 

}. Burd IH 


North Carolina 


HEY, MOM, CAN WE TALK? 


I am ап 18-year-old high school stu- 


dent. I have been subscribing to PLAYBOY 
for about a year. When I got my first issue, 
azine and she 


IK for me to 


look at тїлүвоу, but she did have problems 


I showed my mother the m 


told me that it was basica! 


with some of the articles. 
I read to her “Тһе Other Woman," Asa 
Baber's Men column in the June issue. She 


agreed with the facts that were stated, but 


she didn't agree with 


me of the opinions 
à man falls in lust 
My mother said 


that if à man had his mind on lustin 


en. Baber says that 


about 50 times a day 


after 


he wouldn't have his mind 
She thinks that 


that teaches the decent husband 


other women. 
on his children and wife 
and/or 


father to feel that he is not normal and that 


he is missing something—a lot of excite- 


ment, His wife would seem dull to him 


My mother, who has been divorced for a 
couple of years, wants to know if a 
should not be able to control his thou 


should be 


1 actions and says that wives 


respected 
I would like your response to my moth- 


er's opinions and views. I want to prove to 


her that rLavboy is a good and decent m 


Asa 


ne. | love PLAYBOY a 


1 respect 
articles. 
Jim Dedula 
North Royalton, Ohio 


Baber for his fine 


Baber replies 


А man should be able to control his 


actions—no question about that. But the con 
trol of thoughts is another subject entirely 
lustful in thought, and 
no amount of disapproval or censorship will 
change that 
tempt them to stray 


The normal male is 


As for husbands whose thoughts 

1 suggest you read my 
column in the June 1984 
It's about lustful thoughts and honora. 
ble actions, 


Close Encounter 
issue 
and it argues that we married 
men have to learn he 


without feelin, 


lo say no to women 
guilty about that. 


AIDS AGAIN 
Lam writing 
AIDS Update 
June 
1 was appalled by the article's manipula 


in response to your artick 
Myths and Realities (т\.лувоу 
Lam a resident physician in Miami 


tion of statistics and the use of selective 
quotes to downplay the risk of the discase 
to non-drug (ie. intravenous) abusers 
who are heterosexual 

Your article cites several experts who 


believe that the risk of transmission to het- 
You fail to 
who have 


erosexuals is minimal or nil 
refer to other medical experts 
cautioned a nst any casual heterosexual 
ability of the AIDS 


HTLV-II) to survive in the cervix 


intercourse due to the 
virus 
for perhaps several days 

We have had a young heterosexual man 
with no risk factors die of ALDS (presumed 
1 Miami prostitute). We have had 
ı young heterosexual woman with no risk 
factors die of AIDS 


casual sexual alla 


source 


overseas). As | write 


PLAYBOY 


12 


this letter, a young heterosexual woman 
with no risk factors lies in our intensive- 
care unit dying of AIDS (presumed 
source: a bisexual lover). I am sure your 
article's comments on the minimal risk to 
heterosexuals would be of little consola- 
tion to their surviving family members. 
Craig Feder, M.D, 
Miami, Florida 


We at H.LR.E. (Hooking Is Real 
Employment) are delighted with your 
AIDS article in the June issue. It is cer- 
ly the most honest and informative 
piece offered to the layman to date. 

Thanks also for your comment that 
“there is no significant connection 
between heterosexual intercourse and 
AIDS . . . whether the partner is a prosti- 
tute or not.” We're tired of taking the rap 
as the heterosexual AIDS link, particu- 
larly in view of the fact that not one case of 
heterosexual AIDS has been attributed to 
à hooker. While some hookers are carrying 
the AIDS virus, to be sure, these women 
tend to be 1.V.-drug users who support 
their habits through prostitution, 

As you may know, the Federal Govern- 
ment is conducting a study through the 
Centers for Disease Control to determine 
what percentage of prostitutes in several 
major cities in the U s well as in San 
Juan, Puerto Rico, is carrying the AIDS 
virus. 

As a consultant and interviewer to Proj- 
ect 72, as the study is known, I'm happy to 
say that while we in Atlanta have com- 
a quarter of our study, not опе 
of our women has had a positive result in 
the НТІУ-ПІЛ.АУ screening, 

Eighty percent of the women we've 
interviewed so far, by the way, report that 


g AIDS to the Johns but to keep 
& AIDS from a bisexual or 
needle-using man. 

I'd like to sec everyone taking care of 
himself or herself the way Atlanta hookers 
are. When everyone is so enlightened, 
e'll sce a marked decrease in the spread 
of AIDS. 

Thanks for helping put an end to the 
fear epidemic. 
unny” Lynn Carter, Vice-President 
H.LR.E. 

Atlanta, Georgia 


FANTASTIC FERRATTI 
I just want to thank you for making 
Rebecca Michelle Ferratti your June 
Playmate, It’s the first time in a long time 
that I've really enjoyed the Playmate of 
the Month pictorial. Fantastic. 
Ken Cline 
Tucson, Arizona 


Rebecca Ferratti is by far the most gor- 
geous woman I've seen, and I have some 
35 years of keen observation for creden- 
tials, If she uses what's between her ears, 
she will “have it all," as she wishes. 


Please tell her that if she should ever tire 
from her “high-energy” life, she can come 
do a litte fishing or hunting with me. Just 
give me a holler. 


David A. Flory 
West Fork, Arizona 


LINDA EVANS: TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE? 
Thank you for the nude spread on 

angelic Linda Evans (The Prime Time of 
Linda Evans, ғілувоу, June), the first 
woman to move me since Farrah Fawcett! 
Now, how about some pix of Linda as she 
is right this very moment? 

Joseph V. Hamburger 

Tallahassee, Florida 


I'm sick and tired of the way you use the 
word nudity to denote toplessness. Linda 
Evans does not appear nude in the June 
issue, since not a single photograph of her 
below the waist appears. Her condition is 
therefore topless, a state that I'm sure 
you're aware constitutes the height of nor- 
mality and respectability on the beaches of 
southern Europe. Is it too much to ask 
that your magazine show a greater respect 
for the English language in the future? 

Jeremy Edwards 
Stamford, Connecticut 


Lam absolutely livid at how that pimp 


John Derek makes money by selling pic- 


tures of his wives to you. Of course, if these 
women—Bo, Linda, Ursula—weren't 
famous, you wouldn't pay up. Would you 
publish nudes of your spouses in rLavnoy? 
Raymond Hickey, Jr. 
Alameda, California 


Your pictorial on Linda Evans is very 
deceptive and misleading, because it is 
reasonable for your readers to infer that 
the photos are more recent than 15-year- 
old photos. All you've done is rerun photos 
you showed in 1971. As a matter of fact, 
the one you display on page 79 as "previ- 
ously unpublished" was published in your 
December 1981 issue on page 241. Hardly 
responsible journalism. 

Joe Zindugue 
Ann Arbor, Michigan 

Ооооосћ. Right you are. Our caption is 
mistaken. The photo of Linda Evans on page 
79 of the June issue was published previously. 
The photos on pages 78 and 80 of that issue 
had never been published before. We appreci- 
ate your fastidiousness, bul are you sure you 
didn't get any pleasure from seeing that fabu- 
lous woman one more time? 


REIGNING SHOWER 
Thank you for making Kathy Shower 
Playmate of the Year (ғілувоу, June). 
She's the best! OK, so I'm a little preju- 
diced. I'm her age and also a mom. You've 
publicized a fact I've always known: 
Moms can be beautiful, too! Good job, 
Kathy. 
Debby Mendes 
Cleveland, Ohio 


Being college students and recent sub- 
scribers to your magazine, we were 
pleased to see Kathy Shower on Late Night 
with David Letterman. Miss Shower not 
only was very attractive but seemed very 
intelligent. We were also impressed with 
her willingness to put up with Letterman's 
humor and general abuse. 

Paul Koch 

Todd Urmanic 

Andy Katzung 

Bowling Green State University 
Bowling Green, Ohio 


Kathy Shower as Playmate of the Year? 
Come on now, OK? She's great-looking for 
a 33-year-old who has had two kids, but 
she's not Playmate of the Year material. 

I suspect you chose her for two reasons. 
One: She is a high-visibility woman; e.g. 
on Santa Barbara, and will put тлувоу in 
the limelight (a “respectable” limelight, at 
that). Two: Christie Hefner probably likes 
the idea of a Playmate of the Year who i 
her 30s and has two childr 

Michael Severin 
Los Angeles, California 


Kathy Shower is an outstanding choice 
as Playmate of the Year. I think rLaysoy 
will be as proud of Kathy as her daugh- 
ters, Mindy and Melonie, are. 

Frank Warner 
Lafayette, New York 


1 realize the readers selected the Playmate 
of the Year, but I'm very upset by their 
selection, 1 had her 12th. 

Howard Skarks 
Merced, California 


I wish to relate to you my gratitude for 
your pictorial on Kathy Shower, your 
Playmate of the Year, She is really beauti- 


ful and seems to have her life together. 
"Two cute kids, too! Anyway, I had to have 
more, so I went back to the issues of Janu- 
ary 1986, May 1985 and even her cover in 
April 1984. What a treat to see she's just 
as gorgeous now as then. How about one 
more picture? 


Adam King 
Minneapolis, Minnesota 
Glad to oblige, Adam. And our compli- 


ments to all our readers who voted for Kathy. 
You have great taste in women and obviously 
know a winner when you see one. 


Alive 
with pleasure! 
Newport 
ASE de г 2 ы 


ze 


cAjter all, 
ij smoking isn't a pleasure, 
: why bother? 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking 
Causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease, 
Emphysema, And May Complicate Pregnancy. 


Introducing a new kind of native American 
jeans for a new kind of pioneer. 


PLAYBOY 


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PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS 


Spike Lee had a problem. The award- 
New York University Film School 
make 
single black woman who had three boy 


Hot mate 


But how could he get 


winning 


graduate wanted to a film about a 
lesbian admirer 
he least 


Im? He set a premium on real- 


friends and 


ism and believability, so he decided that a 


sex survey would provide accurate data 


With the aid of a female friend, Lee, 29, 
rveyed 30 black women about sex 
Among other things, he asked them 


What would you consider a freak? Are 
you one?" and “Have you ever O.D.'d on 
sex?" Some of the replies ended up in the 
final version of Lee's independently made 
She's Gotta Have It 


one of the surprise favorites at this year's 


low-budget sex farce 


Cannes Film Festival and currently in 
U.S. release by Island Picture 

The survey stands alone as a 
work. Lee 
nd the blunt 


ness of the respondents was, well, edifying 


though 


richly entertaining piece of 


shared it with us recently 


Here are some of the most enigmatic com 


ments (names have been deleted to protect 


Now I'm 


the not necessarily innocent 
celibate, I wish I was still a 


When I have to have it, I get calm and 


out on a man hunt, I watch everybody and 


everything— teeth, eye 


and problack 
I reached my sex 
Men 


a man will do to you 


back-to-Africa men 


ht when I was ten or 11 


ual he 
are dogs, because 
You can ruin a 


ex totally, Just 


what you let him do. 
ın's self-esteem after 

dog him. 

sexuality 


The analogy between man's 


and the canine’s was used so often that Lec 


included a hilarious section in which men 


were described as Dog One, Dog Two, 
Dog Three, etc, and demonstrated their 
come-on lines LA M.B.A 
BMW” was one dog's sell-introduction 


Lee says the survey opened his eyes to 


He met a 
+ 


the diversity of female sexualit 


woman in her mid-20s who w 


and another of the same age who'd slept 


with more than 50 men, To him, the most 


striking discovery was “that women talk 


among themselves just as men do, and 


You mean 


they often say the same things. 


they talk baseball? 


ROW, ROW, ROW 


One of our writers has been dying to do 
un article called 1001 Uses for a Dead Row 
ing Machine. Only one problem—he can't 
think of any. He should go look for a trade- 
in on Bally's new $2495 Liferower, the 
world’s first rowing machine/video game 
for individuals, gyms and hotels. All you 
have to do is take a seat and start rowin 
with eyes focused on the video rowers, A 


gunshot starts the race and two rowers: 


one is you, the other is a computer-driven 


pace boat—give it their all. The object: to 
row so fast and become so engrossed in the 
little rc 


wers on the 13-inch sereen that you 
working out 

The machine is similar to Bally's hi 
tech Life cise bikes. The Liferower 


features data on how many calories 


ycle ex 


'ou're 


burning per hour and supplies a tiny video 


crowd to cheer 


Bally says the Liferower is for people 
who are tired of dull exercise routines and 
ted 


those who need to be moti 


hout a workout, it takes the pla 


a trainer, supplying such coachlike tips 
Ксер your back 


¢ boat of 


as “Use your legs, 


s t" and “Try to beat the p 


the previous record holder 
And at the finish linc 
When's the last time 


somebody applauded your workout? 


the video crowd 


cheers your victory 


. 
If your road leads to Austin, Texas, іп 
the near future 
Skank, a lively ska-cum-reggae 


cum-R&B ensemble 


we have a great local band 
for you 
of funk  punksters: 
1 Never Said That 
but nothing beats their live 
u'll like Skank’s lead 
Lisa Gamache, who has been com 
Lennox of the 


а record 
Spindletop 


performance. Y 


singer 


pared to Annie Euryth 
and unusual 
1 voice. Sec 


Skank now and later you can say you saw 


ors w 


hairdos—and has a Е 


them way back when 


A GREAT RESTAURANT 
OF THE WESTERN WORLD 


We asked Tom Miller, (with 
Barbara Rodriguez) of "The Interstate Gour 
met: Texas and the Southwest 
tell us about the zaniest roadside. diner he 
knows. His choice; Delgadillo's Snow Cap in 
Seligman, Arizona. 


co-author 


(Summit), to 


John or Juan, you can call me cither 
one" Delgadillo hı 


humor 


à joy-buzzer sense of 
The Snow Cap on old highway 66 
in Seligman, where he serves cheesebung 
ers, fried fish and foot-long chili do, 


his stage, Park next to his 1936 ope 
Chevy roadster with the Christmas tree іп 
the back year round 


the door with handles on both the left 


walk inside through 


and the right and go up to the window 
below the smoke-charred No SMOKING sign 
Do you wanna look before you order? 
Here." He pulls out a fake candy bar that 
says LOOK on it 
Would you like today's coffee or yester- 


day's coffee? We got both. What do you 


want in your coffee, cream and sugar or 
sugar and cream? Would you like a nap- 
kin?" He reaches under the counter and 
pulls out a handful of used napkins. 
“Неге, choose.” 

“You want catsup on your fries?” He 
squeezes a trick plastic catsup container at 
your face; a red string spurts out 
The bathroom key is paper clip. 

“My card,” he says, handing you 
busin card, which reads, MY CARD, 
advertisement in the local High Plains 
Trader mentions Dead Chicken and Male 
or Female Sundaes. “You know the differ: 
ence?” he asks, “The male one has nut 

If the Snow Cap had апу chairs, 
Delgadillo would hide a whoopee cushion 
under cach seat 

How ın or Juan, you can call me 
either one” has managed to do this day in 
and day out since the e: 
unfathomable, but it works. Taped to the 
window are fan letters and paper currency 
{то tisfied customers living in such 
countries as Beli i Britain, Czecho- 
slovakia, Nige Vietnam, "After ten 
days rafting down the Golorado River 
through the Grand Canyon, river-rat 
friend told me, “the only thing I want 
as much as a bath is a burger from 
Delgadillo 

Delgadillo himself plays rhythm guitar 
in а family band that includes his broth- 
, who run the barbershop and the com- 
nation grocery store/gas station on the 
same block. 


Á] 


Nothing is quite as deflating as the 


date gone awry. You've planned the 
event with great care, you've dressed 
for it, made reservations for it and cho- 
sen the mate for it; and then, somehow, 
flying in the face of all logic, it goes 
kablooey. You've got to be tough to sur- 
vive, As a service to our readers, this 
month we present the first in a series of 
true-adventure dates. After a few of 
these stories, you'll be ready for any- 
thing. Better than that, you'll know 
when you're having a good time. 

“I had tickets to a ZZ Top con- 
cert, She was a pharmacist and she 
was beautiful. At seven, she was 
ready. 1 helped her on with her coat, 
admiring her lean neck. As she 
turned to me, 


and then all 
he emergency 
squad and the police arrived to 
е her seizure and to discover a 
of illegal pharmaceuticals, 
The police stuck around for ques- 
tioning. Her last words to me were 
‘Stupid. Had to call the police.” At 
least they weren't Springsteen 
tickets.” 


As someone who loves small chil- 
dren, I'm worried by the way some par- 
ents needlessly endanger the 
by festooning their cars’ back 
with signs that read BABY ON BOARD! 

You know the signs I mean—the 
diamond-shaped ones in cautionary 
yellow, with black letters and borders, 
as seen in the rear windows of quality 
compact cars and station wagons 
driven by stylish young couples who 
buckle up, lash their kids into Federally 
approved safety seats and generally 
present an attractive image of youthful 
optimism, prosperity, good breeding 
and good sense. Good sense except, 
perhaps, in the case of the cute car- 
window masy signs, which presume that 
other drivers share their enthusiasm for 
little children and will refrain from 
deliberately crashing into automobiles 
containing them. Of course, it's possi- 
ble that the signs are merely the way 
Yuppies signal one another that child- 
bearing is now acceptable and that they 
have proved themselves capable of 
reproduction. But if that's the case, 
all the more important that we consider 
the other implications. 

One is that these people regard 
child-bearing as something special and 
that as parents, they think they now 
deserve special consideration in the 
motoring community. Аз a two-time 
victim of contraceptive failure, I can 
tell you from experience that parenting 
is something that almost automatically 
follows a nine-month gestation period; 
there's nothing special about it. 105 
child rearing that gets tricky, if you take 
the matter at all seriously 

Another implication, which 1 don't 
like a bit, is the idea of using a child as 
a protective shield against other driv- 
ers. The average proud parent proba- 
bly doesn’t realize it consciously, but 
what that sign says is, OK, you reckless 
bastards, stay back or the kid gets it! 

The benefits of using a child as a 
safety hostage need rethinking all 
around. Logically, the rasy sign would 
better serve as bait for weirdos and per- 
verts, if anyone wanted to attract those, 
but that's usually not the intention. 

Some truckers use Kewpie dolls as 
hood ornaments or stuff parts of baby 
dolls in their grillework, out of super- 
ition that such symbolic dismember- 
ment reduces the likelihood that they'll 


BABY ON BOARD! 


а со 


plow into school buses or something, If 
that worked, fine; it would be sympa- 
thetic magic in reverse. Or maybe 
homeopathic medicine of the road, 
where like cures like and you develop 
people's immunity to serious crashes 
by giving them mildly dented fenders. 
Or is that something else? The perver- 
sity principle? I don’t know, but I do 
know that I’m not favorably disposed 
toward anything that gives truckers a 
false sense of security. 

1 also know that the signs are already 
generating a certain disrespect. A skier 
friend of mine has come up with the 
idea of slinging one of those denim 
baby carriers on his back, the way 
intellectuals do at art fairs, stuffing a 
Cabbage Patch doll in it and post 
BABY ON BOARD: just to freak out ski 
schussing down the mountain behind 
him. And on my last trip to Califor 
I saw a somewhat sportier car than 
usual with a rear-window sign declar- 
ing, CHILD IN TRUNK. This should tell us 
something. 

Using a child to ward off evil is a mis- 
use of procreative powers. Besides, the 
sign may provoke some citizens, such 
as those who know the joys of flying 
from New York to California in close 
proximity to a forceful bawler. Or who 
have dined in a restaurant where chil- 
dren at other tables are being trained to 
screech as a means of establishing 
parent-child communication. Or who 
must suffer the intelligentsia's common 
practice of taking their offspring every- 
where, peasant style, in the belief that 
cultural growth is fostered by exposure 
to folk and bluegrass concerts and to 
small-stage plays and art films, as long 
as the young ones are not made to suffer 
the emotional scars of discipline, 

If eugenic considerations make it 
important that quality people breed for 
the sake of the species, those same 
considerations behoove them to not 
advertise the exact whereabouts of 
their gene-bearing offspring, as with 
BABY ON BOARD! Some other motorist 
with the temperament of a W. C. Fields 
and the involuntary responses of a 
fighting bull may see red instead of yel- 
low and set his sights accordingly. 

After all, it's easy to misplace blame 
in these matters and contemplate child 
abuse instead of the more appropriate 
parent beating. — WILLIAM HELMER 


20 


IT USED TO BE that you could trust university 
presses to be, well, academic—to publish 
tomes with titles such as Bronze Age Meat 
Distribution, Leigh Hunt's Laundry Lists 
An Inquiry and Beyond Phenomenology: 
The Syntax of the Fluctuating Absolute, 
books redeemed neither by general inter- 
est nor by felicitous writing, unreadable to 
all but the most devout of scholars and 
similar masochists, But no more. Univer- 
sity presses are publishing some pretty 
interesting books these days—and I mean 
interesting to a regular low-rent reader, 
like me 

More intriguing than its title, for 
stance, is Friendship and Literature (Duke 
University), by Ronald A, Sharp. It sounds 
academic enough, but it's really а 
thoughtful and readable essay on the 
ture, importance and current hard times 
of friendship—using primarily literary 
examples but also bringing іп historical 
and anthropological detail (male best 
friends іп Mali, to demonstrate their affec- 
tion, throw shit at each other and insult 
their respective parents’ private parts), 
with a personal thread about the author’ 
own friendships running through it. The 
book includes some good thoughts on long 
distance, both the real thing and the tele- 
phone version. 

Another that is more enjoyable than it 
should be is Prostitution in Medieval Society 
(University of Chicago), by Leah Lydia 
Otis, Evolved from a Ph.D. dissertation 
and resolutely scholarly in intent, the book 
is neverthel at life in 
southern France between the late 12th and 
16th centuries—a time that saw radical 
changes in attitudes toward pre 
Early on in many towns, prostitution 
institutionalized, with authorized brothel 
built and run by municipal governments. 
Hard to think of now—imagine th 
whorehouse the Chicago city counc 
would come up with, for instance. There'd 
be patronage, graft, seniority, long lines— 
frightening, Otis details the conditions 
leading to this pragmatic accommodation 
of the oldest profession and how it all 
changed for the worse because of the Ref- 
ormation, among other things 

Margery Wolf's Revolution Postponed: 
Women in Contemporary China (Stanford 
University), with similar scholarly femi- 
nist intent, is far warmer and more human 
than scholarship generally manages to be 
and is, incidentally, an excellent book for 
travelers to China. A good part of the story 
deals with Wolf's frustrations in getting the 
story, that of a still-second-class status 
(which e research- 
ers) in a supposedly egalitarian societ 
Everywhere among the scholarly analysis 
аге pointillist portraits of women, men 
and babies Wolf met along the way. 

One for us Cubs fans and Bud men 
(though I swear by Stroh’s, myself) із 


ss a fairly rich | 


so affects foreign fe 


Not for scholars only. 


An eclectic pick of 
academic press books; a stock- 
car-racing legend's auto biography. 


A. G. Spalding and the Rise of Baseball 
(Oxford University). With the Cubs again 
mucking about in the cellar, it's great to 
read about the glory days 100 years or so 
ago, when they were the White Stockings 
(not to be confused with today’s White 
Sox), winning pennants right and left, and 
old A.G. was running things. Originally a 
natural from Rockford, Illinois, Spalding 
made his name in the late 1860s 
pitcher for Boston, sometimes winning as 
many as 55 games a season. But he was 
also a great entrepreneur. As much as any 
one person, he was the force behind the 
National League. But at the same time, he 
was establishing a family-run sporting- 
goods empire that would make him a mil- 
lionaire, a firm so successful that kids 
everywhere reminded one another to 
“keep the Spalding up” when they were at 
bat. It's а real all-American story, 
economically told. And for any sports- 
minded reader, Sport Inside Out (Texas 
Christian University) is a treasure: the 
most intelligent anthology of writing about 
sports imaginable, This one is for the sum- 
mer cottage—it's a keeper. Edited by 
David Vanderwerken and Spencer Wertz, 
who are English and philosophy profes- 
sors, respectively, the book offers up treat 
after treat—among them Updike's classic 
“Hub Fans Bid Kid Adicu,” Hemingway's 
“Fifty Grand” and contributions by Don 
DeLillo, James Dickey, Frederick Exley, 
Roger Angell, Dan Jenkins, Ring Lardner, 
literary scholar Edwin Cady, poet Mari- 
anne Moore and even former President 


as а 


Gerald R. Ford, writing “In Defense of 
the Competitive Urge"—all of it organ- 
ized in a way that makes you think a 
little harder about the complexities and 
appeal of sport, from the opening section, 
“The Participant,” to the closing one, 
“Death.” —DAVID STANDISH 


. 

Richard Petty is the genuine article, Не 
began driving when he was five years 
old and at 12 became chief mechanic 
to another stock-car-racing legend: his 
daddy, Lee. Racing on dirt tracks near 
their Level Cross, North Carolina, h 
Richard learned to tap the brake going 
into a 100-mph turn, "so's to set the front 
end," then jam the gas going intc 
straightaway, so's to pile up a staggering 
200 NASCAR victories. He learned that 
when another driver squirrels out in front 
of you and there's nowhere to go, you aim 
right for him, since he won't be there 
in another millisecond, He discovered 
drafting—the slingshot effect that propels 
one car through the vacuum created by 
another—as well as the enduring wisdoi 
of his daddy's advice: "If she runs right, 
run "er hard. If she don't, don't be afraid 
to back off." With wife Linda, whom he 
describes as "cute as a speckled pup," 
Richard sired NASCAR heir apparent 
Kyle Petty; and with the able assistance of 
William Neely, he wrote King Richard I 
(Macmillan), the best book of 
the year, Clear, clever and fascinating 
throughout, Petty's auto biography is for 
NASCAR nuts and Sunday drivers alike 
If you're not a Petty fan by the time you 
finish it, there's something wrong with 
you, boy. 


sports 


BOOK BAG 


Alamo House (Norton), by Sarah Bird 
Romantic misadventures in a Texas so- 
rority, aptly described in the subtitle— 
"Women without without 
brains.” 

Walk Thru to Par (Jefferson Internation- 
al), by Peter Beames with Frederic Swan 
Irritating to read, due to a tone that al- 
ternates between patronizing and simper- 
ing, this is nevertheless a valuable golf 
instruction course that will take 
strokes off your game. 

The White Jaguar (Richardson & Steir- 
man), by William Appel: Take this novel 
to the beach and settle into the Amazon 
jungle with a German coke tyrant 

All Things Are Lights (Ballantine), by 
Robert Shea: Unlucky in love in 13th 
tury France (his dippy sweetheart takes 
chastity vows), hero Roland joins a Cru- 
sade, where he really screws up but man- 
ages to squeak through all manner of 
personal and military misadventures and 
even to get himself laid. 


men; men 


five 


n= 


MOVIES 


y BRUCE WILLIAMSON 


THE TWO BEST reasons for seeing Heartburn 
(Paramount) are Meryl Streep and Jack 
Nicholson, a masterful team of movie icons 
able to glue your attention and affection on 
characters who are not particularly lika- 
ble. Of course, everyone with an ounce of 
curiosity about the Washington, D.C., 
social whirl already knows that author 
Nora Ephron's bitterly bitchy best seller 
was a thinly disguised fictional exposé that 
made antic hash of her shattered marriage 
to reporter Carl Bernstein, of Watergate 
fame (sce this month's Playboy Interview for 
Bernstein's rebuttal). Ephron's book and 
screenplay identify them as Rachel and 
Mark, a New York food writer and a 
famous Washington columnist who meet, 
make out, marry, renovate their love nest 
and are expecting their second child when 
infidelity (his) and a seriously ruffled 
mean streak (hers) set them on the road to 
Splitsville. 

Given a pair of flawed protagonists іп a 
hot property, director Mike Nichols has 
brought Heartburn onto the big screen siz- 
zling with high style. The New York Jew- 
ish ethnicity of Ephron's wry original is 
played way down, but there's plenty of 
withering wit and sophistication, plus 
showstopping scenes any actor alive would 
die to sink his teeth into. Streep and Nich- 
olson, though, are not just amy actors 
Superb as always, he has the most hilari- 
ous bits, unforgettable when he responds 
to the prospect of fatherhood by croaking 
through the “ту boy Bill" soliloquy from 
Carousel. Looking for a way to make a 
habitually philandering son of a bitch hold 
audience sympathy? Nicholson's your 
man. Streep assumes even heavier chores, 
because she is seldom off camera while 
struggling to make emotional sense of a 
heroine who is bright, vindictive, smug, 
conniving—and cruelly betrayed. Jeff 
Daniels, Maureen Stapleton, Stockard 
Channing, Richard Masur, Catherine 
O'Hara and director Milos (Amadeus) 
Forman (as a European entrepreneur) 
vibrantly portray the friends taking sides 
during Heartburn's marital conflict. If it 
were wholly fictional, this might be a rueful 
but routine domestic comedy. Recycled by 
Nichols for mass consumption, it’s a 
superstar-struck showpiece. ЖУУ 


. 

brilliant Bob Hosk 
won a bestactor award at this yea 
Cannes Film Festival for his performance 
in Mona Lisa (Island Pictures) as George, 
an ex-con assigned to drive a high-priced 
London prostitute from gig to gig. She 
may be a tall, thin black tart, Hoskins 
insists, “but she's still a fookin' lydee.” 
The Mona Lisa who suddenly fleshes out 
his fantasies calls herself Simone; she's a 
schemer played with elegant assurance by 


Britain's burl 


Nicholson, Streep team—it's Heartburn. 


Two talents at odds in Heartburn; 
in love with Mona Lisa; 
two new funny cops. 


leggy Cathy Tyson, a 20-year-old niece of 
Cicely, making an auspicious debut. The 
relationship between chauffeur and chippy 
evolves to give a complex thriller sub- 
stance and intimacy. Co-author and direc- 
tor Neil Jordan (whose Company of Wolves 
was an eroticized updating of Little Red 
Ridinghood) has here worked a handy 
switch on the Pygmalion legend, with a 
harlot as the Higgins who transforms a 
smalltime thug into а semigentleman. 
Falling in love with her is poor George's 
unfortunate mistake. No whore with a 
heart of gold, Tyson's Simone is clearly a 
wanton with a will of iron. Michael Caine, 
as a sleazy London gang lord, oversees the 
bad lot who put her to the test. Mona Lisa 
occasionally seems more meandering than 
a street map of London, but it's illumi- 
nated by the arresting cinematography of 
Roger Pratt, who also shot Terry Gilliam's 
Brazil and has a sharp eye for evil-does-it 
cityscapes after dark. YYY 
. 

Some chilly scenes of winter іп Chicago 
are warmed up by Gregory Hines (see 20 
Questions) and Billy Crystal, whose thor- 
oughly engaging teamwork makes Running 
Scared (MGM) look like one of the hottest 
comedies of 1986. Well, not exactly a com- 
edy. As a couple of Windy City crime bust- 
ers who have decided they'd really rather 
retire to run a bar in Key West, Hines and 
Crystal keep getting sidetracked by high 
adventure and lovely women (Tracy Reed 
as Hines's steamiest off-duty dish, 
Darlanne Fluegel as Crystal's irresistible 
ex-wife). The adventure is provided by a 


ruthless drug dealer named Julio (Jimmy 
Smits), who keeps confronting our guys in 
farfetched but fastand-furious action 
sequences, Being a director who revels in 
such riotous material, Peter Hyams (of 
2010 and Capricorn One, to name two) 
gets top mileage from a slightly ram- 
shackle but smart-talking screenplay by 
Gary DeVore and Jimmy Huston. I'd rank 
Scared somewhere between 48 HRS, and 
Beverly Hills Cop as a buddy movie in 
praise of law and disorder, But Greg and 
Billy let the good lines roll, so stay with 
"em. ¥¥¥ 


. 

Together again in Big Trouble (Colum- 
bia), Alan Arkin and Peter Falk revive bits 
and pieces of the madcap magic they 
brought to The In-Laws back in 1979. 
Directed by John Cassavetes, of all people, 
they appear to be inventing the screenplay 
as they go along, but that’s true Cassavetes 


style. Part of it is an outright affectionate 
parody of Billy Wilder's classic Double 
Indemnity, with Arkin as a hard-pressed 
insurance man plott a dizzy 


blonde (Beverly D'Angelo) to bump off 
her terminally ill husband (Falk) for big 
bucks. In this version, Arkin's motive is to 
raise tuition money for his three musically 
gifted sons to go to Yale. About midway, 
Big Trouble goes off on tangents all its 
own, or perhaps pilfered from other mov- 
ies. The actors—Charles Durning, Robert 
Stack, Paul Dooley, Valerie Curtin and 
Richard Libertini to back up the A trio— 
plunge into the screwball spirit as if they 
were performing for pleasure rather than 
profit. Of course, ensemble work is à 
other Cassavetes hallmark, and here he 
has an ensemble able to chew the scenery 
as well as the script. ЖУМ 
. 

Its title suggests all sorts of cloying cu 
ness aloft, but The Boy Who Could Fly (Fox) 
is an imaginative fantasy that treats trou- 
bled teens with compassion and respect 
Director Nick Castle—who showcased his 
skill at sending up science fi 
in 1984's The Last Starfighter—wrote his 
own screenplay for Boy, which deals with 
loss, loneliness and 


hero is an 
orphaned teenager (| rwood) who 
lives with an amiabi uncle and 
hasn't spoken since his parents’ death. 
Whether the mute lad's aerial exploits are 
real or fancied remains a mystery for most 
of the movie's length. but is eventually 
unraveled by the charming girl next door 
(Lucy Deakins). Castle wins a small set of 
wings for squeaking by with the sort of cin- 
ematic whimsy generally doomed to go 
down in flames. YY 


. 

One of the gay young mal 
Glances (Cinecom) blithely г 
justified homosexuality to his family by 
telling them, “Your dick knows what it 


21 


PLAYBOY 


out, cross outs and crumpled 


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bodyguard (Burt Young) and seduces the 
English prof/tutor (Sally Kellerman) wh 


asks him to sum up his opinion of Joyce 


MOVIE SCORE CARD 


close-ups of current films, by bruce williamson 


She's my favorite writer," quoth Rodney 


Next question: Is Back to Sc 


About Last Night . (See review) My American Cousin Voted Canada's | 
¥¥¥ best, but not all that prizeworthy. ЖУ 
pa Parting Glances (Sce review) Gays on the 


1 
uneven well as mostly enjoyable At Close Range Sean Penn follow 


Young, ripe and ready in Chica, 


Unless you're immune to R.D.'s brand-X Chris Walken into a life of crime. ҰЯ до, night and day, in Gotham wy 
humor, you will laugh like a fool and feel Back to School (Sce review) The old col- Psycho Ш (See review) Fresh batch of 
like one when the show's over. ¥¥4 lege try, tested by Rodney ¥¥% — check-outs at the Bates Motel YY 
. Big Trouble (Sec review) Wilder made Тһе Quiet Earth All alone and lonely 
Producer-director Ivan Reitman, who even wilder by Cassavetes & co. ¥¥¥2 down under, after the bomb. ww 
made Ghostbusters materialize, never find Black Joy In London town today, with Rebel Messy quasi-musical, with Matt | 
the proper comic spirit to get Legal Eagles immigrant strutters on tap. ¥¥% Dillon OK asa Gl in Australia, УУ | 
(Universal) going at a steady clip. With The Boy Who Could Fly (Sce review) Up А Room with a View Тор billing for 
Robert Redford and Debra Winger as law- and away to unexpected heights. ¥¥ top cooing in а graceful adapta- 
yers most likely to fall in love while nose to Desert Bloom Under a mushroom cloud tion of E. M. Forster's classic comic 
nose on a case of art fraud, intrigue and in Ve Jon Voight and JoBeth Wil- novel wu 


of the sexes. ¥¥¥ Running Scared (Sce review) Fun afoot 
rican Yanks in with two mahvelous Chicago cops. ¥¥¥ 


murder, Eagles plays like a vintage Trac liams fight the batt 
Hepburn comedy with all the starch taken A Great Wall Sino 


out of it. Daryl Hannah is the vague China experience culture shock. ¥¥% Short Circuit Boy meets girl meets robot 
lightly dubious blonde at the center of the Heartburn (See review) Nicholson featuring an electronic E.T уу 
mystery, also serv а temporary dis and Streep оп D.C. marria Sincerely, Charlotte France's Isabelle 
traction for Redford, whose superstar per round ¥¥¥ Huppert as a wicked and wily jeune fille 
ла now looms like an alien presence o Jo Jo Dancer, Your Life Is Calling All-that- оп the lam with her lover YY 
every character he portrays. Winger, very jazz bio by Richard Pryor ҰҰ Sweet Liberty Moviemakers making 
scrubbed and down to business, gives the The Karate Kid Part Il No black belt for whoopee, as seen by Alan Alda. ЖУМ 
movie some anchorage in reality. Intelli his second round Y 3 Men and а Cradle French megahit 
gent, meticulously programed but hardly Legal Eagles (Sce г Redford and about baby-sitting bachelors yyy 
compelling, Legal Eagles’ bottom-line flaw Winger in fairly low orbit YY Тор Gun Navy pilots on deck, Tom 
is a soulless screenplay by Jim Cash and The Manhattan Project Darkly funny sat- Cruise doing a superstar stint. И 
Jack Epps, Jr. (authors of Top Gun), that ire about a boy and his A-bomb. ¥¥¥ 
seems full of how-to-succeed plot tw Mona Lisa (Sec review) Ex-con hooked ҰҰҰҰ Don't miss YY Worth a look 
and hard-sell brain storming as substitutes on callgirl in British drama WY YYY Good show Y Forget it 


for bona fide inspiration, YY 


24 


DAVE MARSH 


ROCK 'N' ROLL may eat its young, but it bur- 
ies its dead most reluctantly. In 1978, Rick 
Nelson recorded a fine modern rock-a- 
billy album that featured excellent pe- 
riod tunes, including Buddy Holly's True 
Love Ways and Rave On, and contempo- 
rary songs in the same mode, such as the 
Stealers Wheel hit Stuck in the Middle with 
You. But the album, Memphis Sessions 
(Epic), had never been issued until now, 
Пег Nelson's death in a plane crash 

Nelson's specialty was ballads, and his 
readings of both True Love Ways and 
Bobby Darin's Dream Lover, done as a 
moody country number, are very fine. But 
Rick, whose skills as a rocker were con- 
stantly questioned, goes out of his way to 
prove them here. Side one kicks off with a 
rush of sheer nerve, a cover of Elvis’ debut 
cut, That's All Right, that defines hubris 
but works anyhow. The toughest rock 
though, is John Fogerty’s Almost Saturday 
Night, which has been done to death but 


never better than here, Nelson sings with 
confidence, fire and authority. It's hard to 
think of a finer tribute. 

Bigger reputations are on the line with 
Class of '55's Memphis Rock 8 Roll Home- 
coming (America/Smash), which features 
Jerry Lee Lewis, Roy Orbison, Carl Per- 
kins and Johnny Cash. Producer Chips 
Moman expertly handles the sup 
plus such guests as Nelson, Fogerty, 
June Garter Gash, Dave Edmunds, th 
Judds and even Sam Phillips—and from 
moment to moment, everything clicks: hot 
licks, good tunes and some of the most 
unmistakable voices in the 
recorded song, It’s hard to ima 
salacious event than Lewis’ performance 
of 16 Candles, and the finale, Fogerty's Big 
Train from Memphis, choogles exactly as 
it's supposed to. Unfortunately, this self- 
conscious project's tributes to the ethos of 
1955 and Elvis simply don’t measure up to 
the originals. Nonetheless, both of these 
Memphis sessions are persuasive evidence 
that you don't have to be as teenage as 
L. L. Cool J to make fine music in 1986, 


star 


cast 


history of 
іпе a more 


NELSON GEORGE 


With songs on the sound track of a hit 
movie, a bravura performance on a highly 
rated TV special, her own network-TV 
special and the hair style of her life, Patti 
LaBelle's stock has been soaring. Unfortu- 
nately, her debut on МСА Records, Win- 
ner in You, won't yield many dividends. It is 
not a bad record, but it is a dull one. It has 
none of the spark of Aretha Franklin's 
Who's Zoomin’ Who or Tina Turner's Pri- 
vate Dancer. LaBelle sings well, but the 
material fails her, Nothing here is as mem- 
orable as Beverly Hills Cop's New Altitude 
or her live version of If You Don't Know Ме 


Rick raves on. 


Memphis music, 
a yearning Journeyman 
and Patti LaBelle. 


By Now. There are some tasty moments- 
the Ashford & Simpson-composed title 
track, for one—but Winner is not the tri- 
umph you'd expect 

Mtume's Theater of the Mind (Epic), in 
contrast, is a definite leap forward for 
the producer-performer. With the aid 
of Tawatha Agee's operatic soul voice, 
Mtume has built his reputation on sensu- 
ous love songs such as Juicy Fruit, This 
time, he vignettes 
through several songs of biting social com- 
mentary. New Face Deli, prefaced by a 
report from Ted Copout, ridicules enter- 
tainers who get nose jobs, while Deep 
Freeze attacks militarism, supply-side 
‘conomics and MTV. Happily, Mtume 
hasn't completely turned Bruce 
Springsteen: Tawatha shines on two love 
songs, I'd Rather Be with You and Body 
Soul (Take Me) 


weaves dramatic 


into 


CHARLES M. YOUNG 


Paul Lazarsfeld, one of the first sociol- 
ogists to take seriously the emergence of a 
new mass culture after World War Two, 


argued that “people look not for new 
experiences in the mass media but for a 
repetition and an elaboration of their old 
experiences into which they can more cas- 
ily project themselves.” Such is reality 
Either you can project yourself onto some 
shit or you can't. In the case of Journey, I 
can't. So am I therefore entitled to say, 
“All Journey fans are scum,” as so many 
critics have before me, when I listen to 


John Lee Ноо! 


music most of the time with the same moti- 
vation as Journey fans? Yes, because I 
project myself onto good shit, and Journey 
ject themselves onto bad shit. 
thetics. And Journey's Raised on 
Radio (Columbia) is, indeed, bad shit. The 
basic problem is a certain lack of dramatic 
movement: Steve Perry starts yearning 
yearns for 45 minutes and stops yearning 
So if you yearn to yearn, go ahead and 
project yourself onto this Johnny Mathis- 
backed-by-Styx repetition of old experi- 
ence. But know that I think you're scum 
My definition of good shit this month is 
Frenzy (Enigma), by Mojo Nixon and Skid 
Roper. To project yourself herein, you've 
got to have a taste for boy humor—that is, 
| reference to jism—and 
r's vocal style coming out 
of Mojo's white throat. I do have a taste 
for it, as Mojo has a major talent for blues 
rap and a powerful stroke on his semi- 
electric guitar. My favorite song is Г Hate 
Banks, which would be a massive novelty 
single ("Dow Jones can suck my bone") if 
пуопе in radio had the balls to play music 
that didn't yearn, My second-favorite song 


the occasic 


GUEST SHOT 


LESLEY GORE is celebrated for having 
originated such great oldies of female 
pop as “It's My Party" and “You Don't 
Own Me.” Now were awaiting her 
new solo LP and a collaboration with 
Lou “Lightning Strikes" Christie, both 
due out on the Manhattan label soon 
Ina brilliant move, we asked Gore to 
judge former Go-Go's lead singer 
Belinda Carlisle's first solo venture, 
Belinda” (LR.S.) 

“Belinda Garlisle has made an 
accessible, well-rounded LP. Stylis- 
tically, she has included a little bit 
everything, and it works, I liked 
several songs a lot—especially Mad 
About You and Since You've Gone 
The production on Shot in the Dark 
is particularly strong. And I got a 
kick out of Stuff and Nonsense—she 
really lets herself get into it, and 
that impresses me. She should sell 
a lot of records, and I look forward 
to the next one. One technica 
criticism—the way they printed the 
lyrics on the sleeve gives me a head- 


ache. 


is I'm Living with the Three-Foot Anti- 
Christ, which all humans over the age of 
five ought to find massively hilarious. My 
third-favorite song is Where the Hell's My 
Money, about collecting one's due from a 
sleaze-bag club owner, a situation that has 
certain parallels in a fre ^ 
life. My fourth-fa: 
plus-harmonica 


Vida. My fifth 


ince wri 


write song is а vo 
of In-a-Gadda-Da- 
favorite song is 


ROBERT CHRISTGAU 


Starting in 1982, Lou Reed's second 
great band made three finty, lyrical 
albums that combined jazz chops with a 
taste for the minimalist rock Reed 
invented. Unpropitiously, guitarist Robert 
Quine quit before 198475 New Sensations, 
and now, on Mistrial (RCA), drummer 
Fred Maher abandons the pulse to the 
syndrum programing of bassist Fernando 
Saunders, always the combo's jazzer. The 
new songs still rock, but like set pieces, 
and the lyrics seem more programmatic as 
well—too often, th reflections and 
vignettes are generalized (Video Violence), 
insular (Outside) or not quite there (you 
choose). Let's hope rock "n' roll's premier 
adult isn't getting bored again 

"The Ramones’ 1985 single Bonzo Goes to 
Bitburg was the outery of political pain 
their nonpinhead fans always hoped they 
had in them and the soaring rock anthem 
they always hoped they had in themselves. 
Animal Boy (Sire) has no additional exam- 
ples of the former and, as à consequence, 
not enough of the latter, Jean. Beauvoir 
proves himself their most sympathetic out- 
side producer, but not even Something to 
Believe In takes olf like Bonzo, which is 
clearly what was hoped for it. If only the 
Ramones could stop squandering their 
compassion on cartoons and believe in 
something, 


VIC GARBARINI 


Belinda Carlisle / Belinda (1.R.S.): Glitzy L.A. 
megaproduction takes the edge off ex- 
Go's impact. You don’t need a limo to cruise 
for burgers 

Jane Siberry / The Speckless Sky (A&M) 
Out of Joni Mitchell and К. Bush. 
Intriguing but airily abstract lyrics ob- 
scure more than they reves 

GTR (Arista): Steve Howe left Asia for 
this? Former Yes/Asia ax man and ex- 


€ 


nesis Steve Hackett are too undisci- 
plined to make good pop and too addicted 
to clichés to be truly progressive 

Emerson, Loke & Powell (Polydor) 
biggest artistic challenge for these guys 
was finding a new drummer whose 
name began with P. The usual bl 
pomp without circumstance 

Various artists / Live! for Life (1.R.S.): OK 
concert tracks by R.E.M., The Bangles, 
Go-Go's, Squeeze, General Public, et al., 
highlighted by Sting and Jeff Beck's raw 
and raucous blues jam. All profits go to 


ast 
ated 


cancer research. 


FAST TRACKS 


Belinda Carlisle 
Belinda (1..5.) 


Journey 


Raised on Radio 
(Columbia) 


Patti LaBelle 
Winner in You 
(MCA) 

Ramones 
Animal Boy (Sire) 
lou Reed 
Mistrial (RCA) 


WE TOLD YOU IT WAS LOUD DEPARTMENT: А. 
Toronto shrink, Thomas Verny, co- 
author of The Secret Life of the Unborn 
Child, says that heavy metal and hard 
rock are hated by the unborn, He cites 
two women who were exposed to heavy 
metal during pregnancy, one at a con- 
cert, the other ding session. In 
both instance abies kicked зо 
hard that the mothers suffered broken 
ribs. Verny's advice: Go for melody 

REELING AND ROCKING: Donna Summer's 
hit She Works Hard for the Money is 
being turned into a film for her to star 
in Look for Tom Petty in the up- 
ing Tim Hutton picture Made in 
Heaven. Maurice White did the music 
for the John Candy/Eugene Levy comedy 
Armed and Dangerous, due soon at your 
local theater. immy Buffett is still 
trying to get his script for Margarita- 
ville made into a movie. Mainstream 
Hollywood doesn't seem to be inter- 
ested, so he plans to do some rewriting 
and finance it as an independent film. 
He also has some scripts under con- 
sideration for TV's Amazing Stories and 
Miami Vice and has been working on a 
new album, tentatively titled You'll 
Never Work in This Business Again 
Playing for Keeps, a s-to-riches 
youth movie, has a score by the likes of 
Phil Collins, Pete Townshend, Julian Lennon 
ıd Arcadia. 

NEWSBREAKS: Ted Nugent on Dr. Ruth: 
“Life is one big female safari... and Dr. 
Ruth is my guide and outfitter.” . . . The 
Pointer Sisters pı 
working on their albums. Usually, a 
ticeably fit one of the sis- 
s, but if they all want to sing lead 
and can't work it out, they simply 
throw out the song А novel out 
this month, Sweetie Baby Honey Cookie, 
by attorney Freddie Gershon, about 
ruthless promoters who kill a fading rock 


ісе democracy when 


song will п 
r 


star to boost album sales, Gershon, 
who has worked with f Allen and 
Chicago, was also president of the Stig- 
wood Group. He says, “The music 
business is a scuzzy business; it at- 
tracts people who want to make quick 
bucks." He says he wrote fiction to 
“protect the guilty and my k 
hope I haven't gone too far Quincy 
Jones has added movie, TV and home- 
video divisions to his company and cur- 
rently has two films in development, as 
well as ng-form video on the making 
of his next album. Expect the album 
and the video in early 1987. . . . Great 
B 1 plans by the British 
Virgin Islands to iss Michael Jackson 
stamp, because British stamps have to 
have Her Majesty's portrait or th 
royal cipher on them. . . . Mary Wilson's 
book on The Supremes is finished. W; 
for sparks from the others—and, 
coincidentally, from Mary's resumed 
performing career Acha has 
its debut American tour. 
Carlisle on the best part of her solo 
career; “It's the excitement of not 
knowing what's going to happen.” Her 
album has songs written by her former 
teammates, the Go-Go's 

RANDOM RUMOR: Our favorite recent 
headline reads, “SPANDEX-CLAD CHICKENS 
АТ HEAVY-METAL SHOW SPARK CONTRO. 
vers." We certainly hope so. Here's 
the story: The group ¥ & T placed four 
Mötley Crüe-l chickens on 


cecaps. I 


ain has rej 


et 


Г 
Y & T lead g Dave Meniketti was 
forced to defend the stunt by saying 
that the spandex and һом ties the 
chickens were wearing kept them from 
flying into the audience and that the 
Humane Society had them picked up 
following the concert. Isn't showbiz 
fabulous? — BARBARA NELLIS 


25 


hous of years from now, 
` they ll know this was a society of good taste. 


кок GOOD OLD American fun, nothing beats 
a road trip. So, last year, my friend Jane 
and I decided to hit the road. We went for 
the big one. Coast to coast. We detoured 
onto the blue highways and, since we're 
both girls, even onto the pink. We drove 
5000 miles across a country that's only 
3000 miles wide. We rediscovered the dime 
phone call and the ten-cent cup of coffee. 
And, best of all, we discovered America. 

America is a country of superlatives: 
Everything is always the biggest, best, 
newest, whateverest of its kind. Here are 
some highlights from our trip that were the 
most , the most well, you'll see, 

Best Hotel That Both Nazis and F. Scott Fitz- 
gerald Used to Stay In: At different times, the 
Grove Park Inn in Asheville, North Caro- 
lina, housed both Fitzgerald (in room 441) 
and interned Axis diplomats. Its elevators, 
which run up inside huge chimneys, are in 
Ripley's Believe It or Not. Believe it. 

Best Relic of о Dead Rock Star: The 
Country Music Hall of Fame and Muse- 
um, іп Nashville, Теппе displays 
Patsy Cline's Confederate-flag lighter, 
salvaged from the wreckage of her tragic 
plane crash. It must have been a Zippo 

Best Collection of Weird Things that Sorta Go 
Together But, Then Again, They Don't: The 
Roy Acuff tion in the Ryman Audito- 
rium, former home of the Grand Ole Opry 
in Nashville, Tennessee. A green beret and 
a punji stick nestle beside an ashtray used 
at the Nuremberg trials and a signed copy 
of God Is My Co-Pilot, by Robert L. Scott, 
under a paper fan advertising blackface 
stars Jamup and Honey 

Best Full-Size Replica of the Parthenon: 
Nashville is the only place in the world 
that has a full-size Parthenon—besides 
the one in Athens, of course, of which this 
is a replica. Good site for re-enacting the 
actic scene from the movie Nashville in 
which Ronee Blakley is shot on the Parth: 
non steps. 

Best Elvis Souveni muffs with the 
King's face in molded plastic ¢ 
They're blue, Elvis’ favorite 

Worst Elvis Souvenir: See above 

Best Necrophiliac Monument to a Dead Rock 
Stor: Aw, go on, you know: Graceland. See 
it before you die. 

Best Evidence that the U.S.A. Really Is God's 
Country: An amazing number of references 
to the Almighty on roadside signs from sea 
to shining sea. Our f »utside Roxie, 
Mississippi: JESUS Is LORD. HAMBURGERS $1.50. 

Best Explanation of Why There Are So Many 
Members of the Widette Family Down South: 
E thing is fried. Even the pickles are 
deep-fried. At the City Café in Winona, 
Mississippi, we had fried pie. Anne Gentry 
and her husband, Bruce, wouldn't let us 
pay for our fried pie and coffee, on the 
grounds that I was the third New Yorker 
and Jane only the second English person 


D 


favorite, 


er 


From sea to shining sea. 


What | did 
on my summer 
vacation. 


ever to enter their establishment. Anne 
was an Elvis fan. Her s Allen, was a 
Martin Short fan. The fried pie was pretty 
decent, I must say. 

Best Reminder that the Top Half of the Coun- 
try Once Invaded the Bottom Half: A map sold 
by the Lorman Old Gountry Store, in 
Lorman, Mississippi, that indicates among 
local points of interest “where we whipped 
the Yankees” and “where the Yanks 
whipped us." When they talk about the war 
down there, they don't mean Vietnam. 

Best Place to Run Across Helen Hayes Unex- 
pectedly: Natchez, Mississippi, at the Miss 
Floozie Contest, held as part of an annual 
jamboree down at the levee. Unfortu- 
ately, we were too late to enter. But we 
ed a lively crowd of locals and tourists 
off the riverboats cheering on their favor- 
ites, just as the m.c. announced the panel 
of celebrity judges, starting with “the first 
lady of the American theater.” 
enough, there she was, sitting under a par- 
s Helen Hayes. She looked as 

gh she was having a good time. So 
were we, especially when a kid with a 
punk haircut asked us on the way out, 
“Did y'all win?” 

Closest We Ever Got to Easy Rider: At a 
roadside stand in Johnson City, Texas, 
boyhood home of President Lyndon B. 
Johnson, a cowboy asked us, “Where'd 
you gals get those haircuts? I want to know 

"s I сап be sure not to go there.” Our 


Sure 


зо 
mouths were too full of homemade fresh 
реасһ ісе cream to answer before he 


added, chuckling, “Looks like some fella 
took his barber school exam on your heads 
and failed.” 

Best Shrine Where the Dirt May or May Not 
Have Curative Powers: El Santuario de 
Chimayo, New Mexico. In an adobe 
chapel dating from 1813, we joined other 
pilgrims filing into the inner sanctum, 
which was lined with castoff crutches, The 
lady in front of us knelt in front of a small 
hole in the ground, inserted her head into 
it, ostrich style, and reverentially touched 
her forehead to the dirt. We followed suit, 
realizing too late that the idea was to bring 
the afflicted portion of your body into 
direct contact with the healing dirt. The 
lady in front of us was probably asking 
God to cure her migraines, On the other 
hand, I haven't had a really bad headache 
since. 

Best Misleading Sign: Just over the New 
Mexico border and into Arizona, we 
across a souvenir stand in the shape of a 
giant tepee. Large signs promised, wr ICE 
your JUGS FREE, After we'd driven all day in 
90-degree heat, it was an offer we couldn't 
refuse. Imagine our disappointment when 
we discovered that they meant Thermos 
jugs. 

Best Outdoor Art Display: The life-size 
sand sculpture of the Last Supper in 
Sedona, Arizona. 

Most Convenient Tourist Attraction: The 
Hoover Dam, a masterpiece of engineering 
and art deco, right on the main road. 
"Tourism at its best; you don't even have to 
turn off to see it 

Best Thing About Fort Davis, Texas, and, 
Probably, the Whole U.5.A.: Texas Bob's 
Ardt Showcase Popular Culture Museum: 
He spells it that way because “some folks 
say it ain't art.” So wh; it if it ain't art 
Well, stuff. Stuff you never even thought 
of saving—and aren't you sorry now, 
because someday, it's gonna be worth a 
fortune. Stuff like, for instance, Pez dis- 
pensers. Hopalong Cassidy cereal bowls. 
Virtually every Coke bottle ever made. 
Bicentennial beer cans. Arcane rock-'n'- 
roll memorabilia from the Beatles, Ston 
Doors, Dylan. Edgar Rice Burroughs first 
editions. Stuff like that. It's all crammed 
into а few tiny rooms where Bob conducts 
tours by flashlight. Bob's planning to 
move his museum to a local hotel later this 
year, so if you can't find the place, he says 
to ask for him at Applejack's Restaurant 
and he'll buy you a cup of coffee, Texa 
Bob is from New Jersey. His museum was 
my absolute favorite thing on the entire 
trip. In fact, if you want to know what 
America is all about, just go directly to 
Fort Davis, Texas, and visit the Ardt 
Museum. And you see the U.S.A. ina 
day. — ANNE WEATTS 


s. 


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SPORTS 


D: Team Member 
Sorry I've allowed another great 


season in the National Football 1 ue to 
draw so near without letting you hear from 
your owner, who only happens to be your 
biggest fan; but, as many of you know—or 
perhaps have read in the columns— 
Clarissa and I ran into a good bit of trou- 
ble redecorating the beach house in Fiji. 

Clarissa shares my enthusiasm for the 
coming season, by the way. In fact, at this 
very moment, my wife is working on some 
ideas about the new fabric for the walls of 
our sky box. I might add that she also has 
some thoughts in regard to improving our 
half-time entertainment. 105 pretty excit- 
ing stul. Without going into any detail, 
I'll only mention two things: piano concer- 
tos and dissident poetry! 

Now I want to say something to you that 
I know you've heard before but can't be 
repeated too often. This team is a family! 
And I intend to stand by an oath I took, 
which is to meet each and every one of you 
personally before the end of the scason, 
travel permitting. 

Гус already had the pleasure of know- 
ing some of you, of course. I speak of those 
interior linemen who worked at my grand- 
father's steel plant during the off season, 
the two quarterbacks who came to our 
hunt ball in Virginia and the charming lit- 
Че place kicker who was kind enough to 
head up the janitorial staff at the family 
ate in Key Biscayne, (If you're reading 
this, Raoul, I haven't forgotten my promise 
to help out with your citizenship papers.) 

To all of our rookies, let me say wel- 
come! And let me say a special welcome to 
those half dozen who were in the fraternity 
house with me a couple of years ago. I 
make no apologies for the fact that I exer- 
cised a certain amount of influence at the 
N.F.L. draft. Size, speed and drug tests 
are important, as our coaches argued, but 
1 firmly believe that bunch of guys 
who've creeped some brews together, like 
they say, will be more likely to hang in 
there when the going gets tough. 1 often 
think about the things I learned of charac- 
ter, loyalty and teamwork, in those pled; 
days when I had to get naked and slide 
headfirst down those hallways of barbe- 
sauce and live minnows, 

1 mentioned the coaches. I think you'll 
like the ones. They should be arriving 
in camp almost any day, I'm happy to an- 
nounce that Goach Brains Temple, our 
new head man, is bringing his whole staff 
with him, including Bag Man Bailey, his 


By DAN JENKINS 


LETTER FROM AN 
N.F.L. OWNER 


top talent scout and offensive coordinator, 
a man who has perhaps gained more noto- 
riety than the others. Together, as I'm sure 
you're aware, Coach Temple and his assist- 
ants were responsible for six probation 
sentences and the loss of more than 700 
scholarships at four universities in the Big 
Eight and the Southwest Conference 
lone. I don't see how any staff can come 
more highly recommended. 

A word about the new stadium, While it 
is located across the state line, we're still 
going to be representing this community, 
the same faithful community that sup- 
ported the team when my father moved 
the franchise from the Midwest, which 
ter he bought out his narrow-minded 
rtner and shifted the club from its origi 
nal location up East 

There's no question that those of you 
who make your homes in this community 
are going to be slightly inconvenienced by 
the 125-mile drive to the new stadium, but 
most of the friends Clarissa and I have 
spoken to about it seem to feel that it will 
be worth the trouble to have a modern 
facility with a dome and a north end zone 
leading directly into a shopping mall and 
lake-front condo development. 

I'm sure a few of you are concerned 
about the change of our nickname and logo. 
Believe me, nobody will miss the old 
Fighting Auks more than I. The name 
served us well through three cities, after 


all, and I'll certainly never forget the sea 
son during my senior year of prep school 
when I was the Auk on the side lines in my cos- 
tume with the webbed feet and the little wings 

Times change, however, and I agree 
with Clarissa that the team will have 
greater appeal to the new breed of pr 
football fan with our new name. I think 
the Happy Shoppers has a certain ring to 
it. I think it will strike fear into the hear 
of our less sophisticated foes and, frank- 
ly, I'm counting the minutes until the 
grubby bargain-seckers among our oppo- 
nents see the Happy Shoppers roar onto 
the field in our new helmets with the proud 
and г Gucci stripe sweeping across 
the proud and familiar Vuitton pattern! 

I want to take this opportunity to ex- 
press my deepes thy to those of you 
whose agent/managers died in the crash оГ 
one of our private jets. It was a terrible 
tragedy and I suppose it will be months 
before we know the ex. ause, It was 
doubly unfortunate, because I think th 
meeting we had scheduled would have 
been very productive, I believe we could 
have ironed out most of our contractual 
difference 

It goes without saying that I will be 
pleased to meet with all of your new agent/man- 
agers when yor have finished selecting them, 

Lastly, I want to say to the veterans on 
the team that I greatly appreciate the sup- 
port you showed my father, both in your 
depositions and in your personal testi- 
mony, during his trial. While I know that 
many of you benefited. from his inside 
stock tips, I'm certain that friendship was 
your real motivation. 

As you might imagine, my father has 
had a very difficult time dealing with con- 
finement, But things are looking up. He's 
working in the kitchen now and has made 
numerous friends, mostly ex-bankers and 
real-estate developers. He thinks ther 
very good chance in the next several 
months that a few of them will be given 
occ weekends off to play in 
member-guest golf tournaments around 
the state of Texas. That would be good. 
Although 1 haven't actually been able to 
get out there to visit him, I'm sure he 
could use some sun. 

Well, I see my pep talk is getting a little 
long, and I am due for a board meeting at 
the yacht club. Let's get tough and е 
а heck of a year, men. And remem- 
ber—you’ve got a pal in the front office! 

Go, Shoppers! 
Bucky HT 


ІШТЕ 


Eye Contact. 

"Most guys who get into contact 
lenses have a very good rationale. 
And it isn't looks. 

Mine was racing. 

I felt glasses were screwing up 
my concentration. | don't need any- 
thing hanging off my face while I’m 
hanging the tail out with six things 
to check out at once. 

So, at first, | wore my contacts 
just for driving. 

It was like being born with wide- 
angle eyes. | felt like Clark Kent 
when he turned into Superman. 

I could see everything. Front. Sides. 
Every detail. 


Then it dawned оп me, I can see 
this way all the time! 

l've worn contacts instead of 
glasses ever since. With today's 
contact lens care products, it's even 
easier to clean and care for them. 

Do I look better? Well, | stopped 
looking like Clark Kent!” 

Nearly everyone can wear today’s 
daily or extended wear contact lenses. 

See your eye-care professional for 
proper fitting,and a program of car- 
ing and wearing that's right for you. 


Contact Lenses. 
You won't just look better. 
You'll see better. 


MEN 


S. ange days, indeed; most peculiar, 
Momma. The tension in this culture 
tight. There's something happening 
here, and what it is is exactly clear: There is 
an Unholy Alliance of extreme right- 
wingers and fundamentalists and feminists 
that is antimale, antisexual and anti-First 
Amendment. Three for three. 

The heat is on. Censorship is the order 
of the day, repression the mode of opera- 
tion. rayuoy is being dropped from book- 
stores and newsstands, and the things men 
like to read, look at and think about are 
under fire, 

The Unholy Alliance is trying to chan 
or eliminate the habits and thinking of the 
American male, We men are, it seems, too 
rude, crude and unmannerly for the new 
world on the horizon; and unless we recon- 
ct ourselves along more tame and 
, the Unholy All * will con- 
ble. 


Consider: 

+ attend a writers’ conference and am 
asked by two women to tape a reading of 
some of my Men columns and short sto- 
ries. TI recorder is in their hotel 
n. As we ride the elevator, there are a 
few disparaging remarks about rıavnov. It 
is clear that they do not like the таал 
and that they take me as a symbol of it. As 
we enter their room, one of the women 
turns to me and says, “Actually, we're 
here to shoot you.” 

She does not smile for a second, In the 
silence, 1 wonder if she could be serious. 
nd I think that if it is a joke, it is also 
luxury: if I said anything to her that was 
half as provocative, the sexist label would 
be stamped on my forchead. “I'm glad 
you didn't shoot me," I write to her later. 

"You're welcome,” she writes back. 
"Shooting you would have been so messy, 
anyway." Great repartee, 

* Walking down Michigan Avenue in 
Chicago, I see а crowd of people picketing 
a large bookstore. They carry signs object- 
ing to PLAYBOY, among other public 
They want a boycott of the store until the 
magazine is dropped from the shelves. A 
sup called Citizens for Media Responsi- 
bility Without Law (what does that mean? 
1 wonder) is passing out a flier. Its mem- 
bers object to what they сай this 
magazine's “Violent Objectification of 
Women" (what does that mean? I wonder 
gain). They speak of the bookstore as 
“Christian family-owned business" and 
say it “refuses to stop selling porn 
phy." In blocking access to the bookstore, 


By ASA BABER 


THE HEAT 
IS ON 


they say, "We perform these actions in the 
same spirit as the suffragettes ... and 
Rosa Parks. . . ." Such nobility while they 
to stores and tear up magazines! Next 
thing we know, they'll be burning books 
and magazines and claiming that they're 
doing so in the spirit of Joan of Arc. Most 
peculiar logic, Momma. 

+ “pLavsoy will be gone in a short while 
(hurrah!) ,” writes a so-called Christian іп 
a letter addressed to Hugh Hefner and 
copied to me. "When you languish on your 
deathbed and cry out to know the state of 
your soul, it's a sure bet you won't ask to 
see a rLaynoy!" The language of the letter 
is violent, apocalyptic, and it runs in the 
old, familiar pattern. of. fundamentalist 
preaching: “A society that allows free rein 
to man’s baser passions will be torn apart 
by the lusts of its less-principled members. 
In short, it’s either vote for morality or be 
destroyed by your neighbor's lusts!" | think 
about that and uy to determine who 
among my neighbors I would first ask to 
destroy me with her lusts. There are sev- 
eral candidates. If you include the health 
club where I work out as part of my neigh- 
borhood, there are literally scores of pos: 
ble destroyers. What a way to go! 

Make no mistake about it: The Unholy 
Alliance is trying to make us ashamed of 
г maleness, our sexuality, our freedom, 
r love of humor and our love of play. To 
be a vigorous and happy male in this time 


and place is somehow dirty and wrong, the 
Unholy Alliance implies. We men are 
reading and enjoying improper words and 
images and thoughts. For that, we will be 
punished and censored. Our reading mate- 
rials will be taken away from us and we 
will be closely monitored for signs of decay. 

I wish I could report that we men were 
responding to the heat with intelligence 
and cool. Unfortunately, I think we are a 
little slow on the uptake. We don't have any 
role models to lean on—we're the first gen- 
eration of males in thousands of years to be 
labeled unfit and improper in our thought 
and being—and we hesitate to take on the 
Unholy Alliance. After all, some of its 
members may live in our own homes. 

Example: One of the bravest men 1 
know, a Vietnam veteran and a very fine 
writer, comes to town and we have lunch 
“I really like your Men column, Ace," he 
says. He quotes details from several col- 
umns and talks about how my work has 
been of some help to him. He toys with his 
salad, momentarily embarrassed: “Uh, 
could you send me the magazine every 
month? In a plain brown envelope? My 
wife won't let me subscribe. She won't 
allow Р.лувоу in the house." He does not 
look me directly in the eye as he asks this. 

I think about how many times men have 
said things like this to me, Some make ар- 
pointments with their barbers eve 
month just so they can read my column. 
They can't have the magazine in their 
homes, either. 

“ГЇЇ send you а copy of the column if 
you want," I tell my friend, "but I can't 
send the whole magazine. 1 don't have 
those kinds of perks.” He thanks me. He 
laughs at his own fear. 

Here is a man whose bravery under fire 
is unquestionable, a man I would trust 
with my life. Yet under this other fire, he 
withers. I do not talk to him about it, I 
know he is uncomfortable. But I also know 
that until he stakes a claim to his own free- 
dom of choice in what he reads, he will be 
a captive in a mean-spirited culture. 

The heat is on. Believe it or not, that's 
good. The Unholy Alliance has come out 
of the closet and set itself up as prosecutor 
and judge and jury. And the bet in this 
liens define 


corner is that men will not let a 
them; instead, they will stake out their 


own territory, сі their own con- 
sciousness, celebrate their own virtues and 
contributions and strengths. 

The heat, in short, will help 
us thrive. 


31 


WOMEN 


M aybe it was the stress of flying halfway 
cross the country, maybe it was 
the ambivalence that a wedding brings out 
in women of a certain age, but we were out 
for blood that Thursday night. 

Sammy Jean were getting married 
in Texas and a couple dozen of us had 
flown from New York and Los Angeles to 
end up that night in a small fishing cottage 
next to a bayou, where we played full- 
contact charades to unwind. 

“You call How Could You Believe Me 
When I Said I Loved You When You Know 
Гое Been a Liar All My Life? a song title?" 
Rhoda yelled at Cleo. "It's got 21 words!” 

“Oh, really?” said Cleo coldly. “And I 
suppose Spaceships from the Planet lagra is 
a best seller, moron?” 

The bride-to-be had to send everyone to 
bed. 

"Here's my dress," said in our 
motel room, which contained a ceiling fan. 
She pulled out a pearl-gray A-line, simple 
and elegant, and then electric-blue 
bundle of sequins. “Or this, in case I'm 
feeling rowdy.” 

"Here's mine," said Cleo. "I know it's 

fy sleeves and a million colors and 
a little girl's party dress, but it's 
e that spoke to me." 

I duly showed my pink-and-black taffeta 
with too much cleavage. “So tomorrow's 
the barbecue, |, "and the next day's 
the bridesmaids’ luncheon and the wed- 
ding that night, and then on Sunday we 
nap and have another party. That's four 
ate-but-equal outfits, Festive. 
“Um exhausted," said Rita. “Person- 
ally, I think that when somebody gets 
ied, she should give parties for us." 
Kind of as a consolation prize—a good 


the only с 


lovely tea service 

“We're not spinsters,” 1 said. “Those 
five years I spent as a housewife are etched in 
my brain, and Rita's had dozens of husbands.” 

“Well, I was married for only a few 
months when I was 18,” said Cleo, “and 1 
don't think that counts. I'm a spinster. 
And do you know what my chances of get- 
ting married again are? I've been г 
magazines. They tell me the probabi 
greater that I will get swooped up b: 
ing saucer than that I will ever marry. 
Poor baby,” I clucked. "What are you 
wearing to the luncheon?” 

“Ah, my purple, I think. All the girls 
are sleeping at Myrtle’s, the town’s beau- 
tician. A slumber party 

“Weddings turn the world into teenag- 


By CYNTHIA HEIMEL 


ers," grumbled Rita as she removed the 
last vestiges of eye make-up and got into 
bed. “Good night, hons.” 

"Don't think bitter thoughts, dear," 1 
said. 

We moved into Myrtle’s after the barbe- 
cue. She was a fine, handsome, middle- 


to everyone, 
in', just look for 


There's plenty 
of cakes and pies in the kitchen; all the 
neighborhood women have been baking 
for you all's coming. Drink some wine,” 
“She's got $500 patchwork quilts on all 
her beds," I whispered to Rhoda, who was 
frantically looking for her blow drier and 


simultaneously patching a run in her 
stockings with nail polish. 

“Weddings turn me berserko,” she said, 
d there have been so goddamned many 
lately. Why is everybody suddenly getting 
married?" 

“People and Newsweek both say none of 
us has a chanc 
again, now we're in our mid-30s." 

"What do they know? ТІМ 
They're full of shit! All my girl 
lost their marbles and gotten themselves 
husbands! They've all forgotten the Seven- 
ties, when they fully and maturely came to 
terms with the fact that marriage was a 
male plot to keep us in our place!” 

“I want to get married again," I said 
placidly. 


“Why?” asked Rhod 

“Because I like the in: 
another baby." 

“We notice how long you kept your hus- 
band first time around," said Rita. 

Jean, the bride herself, blew in like a tor- 
nado, all nerves and excitement. We made 
her lie down on Myrtle’s fluffy carpet, 
where we took turns massaging her from 
head to toe. 

“I want to get married every day of my 
life," Jean said ha: “Pl never get so 
much attention again. 

“You just wait till tomorrow, honey,” 
said Myrtle, “when we give you a hot-tub 
bubble bath and iron your dress and I do 
your hair and Sarah does your make-up 
and Mona does your flowers and you turn 
into a princess.” 

Тһе next day held only one calamity: 
The bride's mother turned on the water for 
her bath and the shower came on instead, 
all over her new coif. Myrtle had to make 
an emergency house call. 

After the bridesmaids’ luncheon, when 
31 women dressed in ladylike fashion got 
as pissed as newts on Great Western cham- 
pagne and caroused mightily at 11 am, I 
found myself with Cleo and Rhoda, help- 
ing Jean make a fruit cascade in her moth- 
ег garden. 

“Gimme about 20 more toothpicks,” 1 
said as 1 tried to make a bunch of grapes 
adhere to a pineapple that was itself skew- 
ered to a watermelon. “I'm so excited, I'm 
about to die,” 

“We all are,” said Cleo. “Look at Sam- 
my, our blushing groom, over there, pre- 
tending to be normal, He's in a com: 

“My blue spike heels will never make it 
across this lawn during the wedding 
march,” Rhoda prophesied gloomily. 

A wedding turns people tribal. The 
night was soft and thick and pungent with 
eucalyptus. All the girls were fiercely 
protective, gathered around Jean—our 
angel in white sequins. The men, in their 
penguin suits, hovered around Sammy, 
keeping him erect and functioning. 

‘Jean marched to her fate across her 
momma's lawn. We cried. Then, later, we 
laughed and ate shrimp and got drunk, 
and many of us made shameful advances 
toward strangers. 

Jean threw her bouquet; Susie happily 
caught it. Jean threw her garter, and all 
the men stood there, watching it are into 
the air, then ran away. 

“Who are they kidding?” Rita asked. 

“Nobody,” I answered. 


Rita and Cleo. 
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When read Asa Baber's column “The 
Lysistrata Syndrome” (Men, rLavnow, Feb- 
ruary), something Ud always wondered 
about came to mind. Baber portrays the 
men in Lysistrata as “hobbling about the 
stage with unquenched erections.” 1 can 
s without a hard-on unless I am in 
woman or jacking off. Although 
e had my few instances of not being able 
to get it up at all, my hard-ons never seem 
to last as long as I'd like (unless I'm drink- 
ing) or to be as hard as on those few morn- 
ings I wake up with a real stiff one. It's an 
awkward thing to talk about, so Гус 
always had these doubts and fears in the 
back of my mind: Am La wimp? Am I gay? 
Is it hormones? I feel guilty every time I 
see a good-looking girl or one of your ріс- 
torials and don't get an instant erection. 
I've been to bed with 50 or 60 women (I'm 
29) and, for the part, perform fine. 
Am I crazy or would taking hormones help 
me? Where do you get them?—J. J., Indi- 
anapolis, India 

It could be that you are just not as respon- 
sive to visual stimuli as some теп and per- 
haps require more direct stimulation in order 
to feel aroused. It could be that you're too busy 
having sex (50 or 60 women? Really?) to 
have surplus erections, However, you are not 
abnormal or deficient in any way. And since 
you are satisfied with your performance with 
women, we see no reason for you to be con- 
cerned, There is no reason to feel guilty about 
not getting an erection every time you see a 
pretty girl: If that were the case, you'd be 
writing for advice on coping with the embar- 
rassment of your instant erections. 


Dam applying for a job that requires a 
physical, including a urine test. I don't 
know whether or not the company is look- 
ing for any specific drugs, but Lam some- 
what concerned. Can I rel 
recreational drugs for an extended period 
of time prior to the urine test and receive a 
clean bill of health?—4A. A., Los Angeles, 
California. 

There are several strategies for beating 
urine tests. The most outrageous strategy is to 
borrow а urine sample from someone who 
doesn't do drugs and take it to the physical 
with you, If you can't find anyone who doesn't 
do drugs, maybe you can whistle “Message in 
a Bottle" and refrain from drugs for a while. 
Every individual has his own metabolism, so 
the exact length of abstinence is hard to deter- 
mine, Cocaine stays in the urine for two to 
four days. A moderate (four times weekly) 
marijuana smoker should go five days with- 
out toking, a daily smoker ten to 21 days. 
Tranquilizers such as Valium stay mellow in 
the fellow for three days. Quaaludes stick 
around for 14 days. Heroin shows up for two 
to five days, while amphetamines disappear 
after two days. Of course, you may be apply- 


is. 


‘ain from most 


ing at some company that requires an 
observed urine test, in which case you should. 
piss on the observer's shoes and tell him to 


fuck off 


AA few months ago, you suggested that 
oral sex had fallen out of fashion. 1 beg to 
differ. Some of the best head 1 ever 
received was from a woman in Burbank, 
She put every bit of her per- 
fectly shaped 4/10", 87-pound frame into 
what she considered to be her greatest зех- 
ual skill. She wa miracle. My brother, 
who also used to date her, once com- 
mented, “If she were a ride at Disneyland, 
she'd be an E ticket.” This was in 1982. In 
1983, I dated a girl who'd go down on me 
and then, after I came, would hum the 
theme from Rocky as she went about reviv- 
ing my spent member. Nineteen eighty- 
four was the year in which I met that 
woman on a westbound 727—you know, 
the one who spoke of her Scorpio-driven 
passion to give blow jobs while fondling 
me beneath the blanket. We met again on 
land three weeks later. And now I'm living 
with a woman who, during a recent vaca- 
tion, blew m musement-park chair 
lift. She takes the cake. And you're sug- 
gesting that oral sex is declasse. Yeah, 
right.—K. L. B., New York, New York. 

OK, OK. You don't have a problem, unless 
your current girlfriend reads this and starts 
asking about your past. 


МА, inquiry deals with the problem 1 
have with cassette tapes. It seems that the 
tapes that are fairly old (two to three 
years) or that 1 rarely play produce a high 
squeal when played on any stereo equip- 
ment—car stereos and/or home stereos. 
Reducing the treble on my equalizer does 
not stop the problem. 1 am wondering 


if there is anything I can do, short of buy- 
ing new tapes, to stop the noise.—C. R., 
Virginia Beach, Virginia. 

Your problem with the older tapes in your 
collection is a common one and, unfortu- 
nately, there is probably nothing that can 
be done to solve it, From your description, 
the squeal sounds as if it is a property of the 
tape mechanism itself, since it occurs on any 
equipment on which the tapes are played. 
Even though this is extremely irritating, it 
will not affect the sound of reproduction. The 
hubs on older tapes will often squeal because 
of age or because the graphite slip sheets 
have become worn. Unfortunately, any attempt 
to lubricate the hubs will permanently damage 
the tape itself. The tapes that you purchase 
now should not give you this problem—even 
after years of use. In an effort to eliminate the 
squeal problem, the tape mechanism currently 
manufactured is of a much higher quality. 


I recently found myself in an intoxicated 
and lonely mood. I wanted to explore new 
ways of sexual communication, so 1 made 
a brief call to a telephone service providing 
aural sex. I am now anxious about the 
possible consequences of this and would 
like some serious answers. Is there any- 
thing illegal in two consenting adults’ dis 
cussing sex graphically over the phone? 
Does Ma Bell at any time listen to or 
record these private conversations? If 1 
pay for these services with a major credit 
card, will that allow agencies that might 
not approve of such behavior to track me 
down? Does my using a major credit card 
for sexually related entertainment in any 
way affect my credit rating?—D, C., Nash- 
ville, Tennessee. 

The Meese commission tried to outlaw 
phone sex; but as of now, there is no need to 
fear legal repercussions from using the 
telephone-sex services that redefine aural sex. 
The credit-card companies couldn't care less 
whom you're calling, and unless you're a 
K.G.B. spy, there's по need to fear that your 
conversations are being noticed, much less 
recorded. However, it would be wise to make 
your calls to these services from your home, 
rather than from your work phone, as com- 
panies do frown on their employees’ using the 
services at their expense. 


М, lady and 1 are frazzled from work 
and need a break. We're talking isolated, 
romantic and back to nature—but not pup 
tents and Pop Tarts. Do you know of any 
high-quality retreats in the U.S. that you 
might share with us2—T. P., Denver, Col- 
orado. 

You remind us of a friend of ours who 
thinks that roughing it means no room service 
after midnight. But it just so happens that 
there are some places around the country that 
offer both nature and nurture for people like 
you, who want to rough it in style. On the 


PLAYBOY 


West Coast, try Otter Bar Lodge ( Р.О. Box 
210, Forks of Salmon, California 96031), 
about 100 miles сам of Eureka, California, 
on the banks of the Salmon River. It's a 
lovely modern place with several bedrooms, 
but it books only one group at a time—as few 
as two people or as many as ten, For $300 per 
night for two, the lodge and a few thousand 
acres of Klamath River National Forest are 
yours alone, In Colorado, our vole goes to 
Tall Timber (SSR Box 90 P, Durango, 
Colorado 81301), about midway between 
Durango and Silverton and reachable by 
narrow-gauge railroad. Tall Timber is set in 
a glorious alpine meadow in the middle of the 
San Juan National Forest, and it's one of the 
most luxurious small resorts in America. 
Prices are similarly lofty—$1185 per week 
per person—but worth the splurge, At the 
other end of the economic seale but no less 
wonderful is Ocracoke Island, down near the 
end of North Carolina's wild and beautiful 
Outer Banks. You get to Ocracoke via a free 
Jerry ride from the town of Hatteras, then put 
up in the weathered little village at the very 
tip of the island. There are just а handful of 
places to stay, but try the Crews Inn (Box 40, 
Ocracoke, North Carolina 27960), an old 
Victorian house turned. bed-and-breakfast, 
where a room with bath is $40 per night. If 
none of these places puts some spark back into 
your relationship, it's time to have your bat- 
teries checked. 


Who; 


"retreat" 
Is it gerous іп апу way?—G. 
Moines, lowa. 

Relax—it's perfectly normal for the testi- 
cles to ride up in the scrotum during periods 
of arousal and even during extreme cold, It's 
called beating a retreat. This seems to be 
nature's way of protecting the testicles when 
they are most vulnerable, This condition is 
not harmful—and, as you've probably 
noticed, it is temporary. 


man masturbates and his balls 
inside him, what is the cause? 


Des 


O, a dress shirt, do you monogram the 
right or the left cuff? T have been told 
he opposite of your writing hand” and 
“It makes no difference.” What about 
shirt pockets and collars? It seems every- 
one has a different theory. Would you be 
kind enough to address this question? — 
Т. B., Middletown, New Jersey. 

Fashion rules are never hard and fast. 
According to the experts we consulted, you 
should monogram only the left cuff or pocket 
of a dress shirt. This is traditional and proba- 
bly stems—as you suggest—from the fact that 
itis the opposite of the hand used by most peo- 
ple, As for collars, most experts we spoke with 
wouldn't monogram them at all, so the 
question of preferred side is academic, To par- 
aphrase an old bit of advice: When in doubt, 
go left, young man. 


22-year-old senior currently 
Georgia Tech in Atlanta. I have 
a wonderful girlfriend whom I have been 
dating for more than two years. She will 


do anything for me and with me, except 
have sexual intercourse. We have dry sex 
often; but when I try to undress her, she 
always stops me and says that she doesn't 
want to have intercourse until she is mar- 
ried. Every time I see her, I want to make 
mad and passionate love to her, but 1 
know I can't. Now, whenever she wants to 
have dry sex, I am reluctant—the only 
thing I accomplish is getting my pants wet, 
because she won't let me remove them. 1 
love her dearly and want to make love to 
her. I often fantasize about it when I am 
alone in the bathroom. 

Tam still a virgin, and I am getting des- 
perate, There is no one else I want to have 
sex with, but I'm starting to feel that 
maybe there is something wrong with me. 
Is there? It seems that the more I worry 
about it, the more I masturbate. I do it at 
least three times a week, How bad is this 
for me? I would value your advice greatly, 
beeause I don’t know what to do.—R. R., 
Adanta, Georgia. 

If you don't want to marry this girl, you 
are wasting your time. Find someone who 
wants sex for the same reason you do—to 
share passion. Just think of the money you'll 
save in laundry bills. Or try to talk her into 
forms of safe sex—touching, licking, laugh- 
ing. Right now, the relationship is one-way. 
She sets the terms. You have the right to a sex 
life—if she doesn't share your desire, find 
someone who does, 


JA group of my friends (both men and 
women) were having a good conversation 
ata beer party. Suddenly, the talk turned 
to a discussion of our first experiences with 
intercourse, While there was not too much 
disagreement among the men (all had 
enjoyed their experiences with virgins), 
the women had a lot to express, Most of 
them had experienced some discomfort 
during the first penetration, but most said 
they had reached some sort of orgasm. 
One woman, though, said that her experi- 
ence of the initial penetration was a horri- 
g ordeal that took more than 15 
minutes to get through. However, she was 
able to have satisfying intercourse later. 
Please answer the following questions so 
that we men can do a better job of handling 
virgins: (1) Does intercourse position have 
anything to do with discomfort? (2) Is the 
missionary position best? (3) Does the size 
of the penis have anything to do with it? 
(4) What is the right way to deflower a vir- 
gin?— P. O., Portland, Oregon. 

Your letter is a great example of just how 
varied we humans are. The archetypal image 
of the first time is largely mythical. Discomfort 
is not mandatory. If you don't expect more 
from your first sex experience than from, say, 
the first time you step onto a tennis court, 
you'll have the proper perspective, We believe 
in talking about sex before you do it. Discuss 
positions, expectations and, above all, birth 
control. There's nothing like an unwanted 
pregnancy to spoil the memory of that first 
time. Our second bit of advice: Try all the 


other forms of pleasure before trying penetra- 
tion. Use sufficient lubrication and things 
will go casily—regardless of position or size. 


Û was recently in a stereo shop, where 1 
noticed some very heavy-duty speaker 
wire. It was about as thick as my thumb. 1 
talked with one of the salesmen about it, 
and he said this wire could noticeably 
improve the sound of my system. He sug- 
gested that I think of it in terms of another 
component. At 80 cents a foot, i Y 


wouldn't 
break me, but I'm just wondering, 
speaker wire make that much of a 
difference?—G. M., Belleville, Hlinois. 

The thickness of speaker hookup wire is 
determined by the length of the run from the 
output of your amplifier (or receiver) to the 
input of the speaker. This distance is not as 
the crow flies but must include the actual path 
taken by the wires as they turn corners or get 
tucked out of sight behind furniture, ete. If 
this total distance does not exceed 15 feet, 
ordinary lamp cord or zip cord with 
18-gauge wire can be used. For longer runs, 
of up to 50 feet, use the next thicker wire, 
which is 16-gauge. For runs longer than 
that, use 14-gauge, which is thicker yet. 


В have just discovered a good, indecent 
way for women to refresh themselves at the 
office on a stressful day, 1 am still quaking 
with excitement over this rest-room tech- 
ique. Let me describe it: In a stall (with a 
door, unless you're an outrageous or crude 
exhibitionist), note whether or not the 
toilet-paper holder is reflective, preferably 
boxlike (the kind with the horrible tiny 
sheets), If it ік not, somehow prop up а 
mirror on the inside so that when you lean 
back against the opposite wall and use 
your thigh muscles to squat a bit, you can 
(gosh!) see yourself! Not a brand-new 
sight but wildly fun if you're reasonably 
sure no one’s going to rush after you to 
meet your deadline or reasonably sure you 
can proceed without making a noisy com- 
motion. I found taking as many clothes off 
as possible breath-takingly brave. I also 
found that once the interplay 
between hand and you-know-what got 
going, I was in ecstasy in seconds. The 
quickest picker-upper ever! And harmless, 
too; but watch out for your lustful 
boss(es), or else you may be in double 
trouble up to your asses.—Miss S. W., 
Washington, D.C. 

If it improves employee morale, what the 
hell. Now if we can only find someone to type 
ҮШ; os 


All reasonable questions—from fashion, 
Sood and drink, stereo and sports cars to dating 
problems, taste and etiquette—will be person- 
ally answered if the writer includes a stamped, 
self-addressed envelope. Send all letters to The 
Playboy Advisor, Playboy Building, 919 N. 
Michigan Avenue, Chicago, Illinois 60611. 
The most provocative, pertinent queries 
will be presented on these pages each month. 


{ ә! = A 
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Based on RL Polk троп см nameplates, calendar уем 1985 


DEAR PLAYMATES 


Vh question for the month: 


What's your last sexual frontier? 


Û do have a fantasy of making love in a 
public place, but not in public view. Like a 
deserted beach in the daytime, when you 
can’t be sure that people won't just show 
up. Or in a limousine, That would be fun. 
But if you mean 
group sex or 
sex with ап 
other girl, that 
is a frontier 1 
haven't gone to 
and don't in- 
tend to, either. 
It doesn't. do 
anything for 
me. It's the ho- 
mosexuality in 
the situ 
that turns me 
off. 1 know 1 should have a more open 
mind, but I don't. As a result, I couldn't 
get involved just because something wa 
considered “in.” So I couldn't do it with 
two guys, because I'd be thinking that 
either of them might be gay, and the sam 
with another female. It would have to be a 
sexual frontier that I'd like to cross 


2 fecal 


LIZ STEWART 
JULY 1984 


How do you know I haven't done it all? 
OK, I'll be serious. No S/M. No way. I'm 
not into pain, except the kind you get from 


а good work- 
ош. | didn't 
read Erica 


Jong's Fear of 
Flying, but al- 


most every- 
one has a 
fantasy about 


making out in 
the air. Are you 
going to lend 
me a private 
jet? A comme 
cial airline is 
out—too public, plus they don't let two 
people into the bathroom at the same 
time. You couldn't fit two people into those 
tiny bathrooms, Seriously, my man and I 
have a very exciting and open relationship. 
We're willing to consider most things. 


xs 


VENICI 
SEPTEMBEI 


KONG 
1985 


Te last frontier would be to find a man 
who could make good sex last for an 
extended time period. People do get into 
sexual habits. I'd like a man to be creative, 
to think new thoughts and work at making 
sex different, 1 don't mean mate swappin; 
1 do mean us- 

ing your 
ination 
have to be real- 
istic, too. We're 
living in the 
age of disease 
now. I'd like 
to explore this 
with one man | 
Making a re- 
lationship work 
is the last fron- 
tier. Making a 
conscious effort to explore your sexual pos- 
sibilities with one person. Saying to your- 
self, “I'm going to think about my sex life 
regularly." People who think only of 
changing the player all the time burn out. 
It doesn't have to be a new person; it does 
have to be a new way, a new idea. Your 
brain is your best sex organ. 


м fo 
= 1, 2 Yaco 
/ TRACY VA АВО 
OCTOBER 1983 


Ек wilting to try anything with someone 
I trust. Here's my favorite fantasy: I'm in 
Africa. It's really hot and I'm walking i 
very high grass with a man I haven't pic- 
tured yet. We're nude. We can hear ani- 


mals, We can 
hear the thun- 
der of their 
hooves, but 
we're caught 
up in making 
love, so we 


don't pay any 
attention. We 
are sweaty and 
hot, and a herd 
f azelles 
break out from 
the stampede 
and fly over us. I'm on the bottom, so 1 
can just look up and see them leaping over 
us, It would be the coolest thing. It 
tasy, and I control it, so no one gets hurt 
Closer to real life, I'd like to do it on a bus. 
I did do it in a phone booth once, so I gota 
big kick out of doing my gatefold in a 
phone booth. It seemed ironic to me. 


CHER BUTLER 
AUGUST 1985 


Mos not that Гус done everything—that’s 
for sure—but exciting to me is starting out 
the evening with a nice dinner and a good 
The conversation flows and 


the meaningful looks flow, too, and the 
sexual energy 
builds up, so 


that by the time 
you get home, 
it’s uncontrol- 


lable. I like to 


start building 
those feelings 
from the very 
first minute, 
dropping hints 
so that when 
you do make 


love, it is abso- 
lutely wonderful. This scenario repeats 
itself in my fantasies, be 
thing that doesn't happen often enough. 
ometimes, you go through the prelimi- 
naries and it doesn't build up; it goes 
downhill, When it does work, I'm giving 
so much physically and mentally that 1 
have reached the frontier, when the build- 
up and the рауо are perfectly in tune, 


da aret et 


KATHY SHOWER 

/ MAY 1985 

Wa love to take a vacation in the moun- 
tains and stay somewhere very secluded, 
maybe a cabin, and become a love slave 
for a weekend 
There would be 
no sign of civili- 
ion, no one 
to call for help, 
and I'd have to 
rely on my іп- 
stinets to car- 
ry me through 


ause it is som 


the weekend. 
The sex would 
be redibly 


high-energy 
and exciting. It 
would be so totally satisfying to be forced to 
obey, up there in the wilderness, with the 
right man. 


JANUARY 1986 


Send your questions to Dear Playmates, 
Playboy Building, 919 North Michigan Ave- 
nue, Chicago, Illinois 60611. We won't be 
able to answer every question, but we'll try. 


© 1986 Miler Brewing Co. Miwaukee, VW. 


Only Löwenbräu is pa 
ing countries. Brew 
Canada, Japan, айй 
license and а 


of Lówenbráú, Muni ch: T öwenbräu gives you 600 
years of Bavaria опе smooth-American beer. 
THIS FOR LOWENBRAU. у 


THE PLAYBOY FORUM 


a continuing dialog on contemporary issues between playboy and its readers 


Catholic Church leaders are climbing 
onto the fundamentalists’ antiporn band 
п in what must be one of the oddest 


ism ever, considering 


w 


есите! 


instance 
that the right-wing religionists’ catalog of 
villains includes papist idolaters. It could 
be that the fundamentalist capture of the 
abortion issue made the Catholics feel they 
were lagging behind in the morality race 
and had better not let the National Porn 
Problem slip through their fingers 

In Gleveland, Bishop Anthony Pilla dis- 
tributed letters to be read from the 253 
pulpits in his diocese urging parishioners 
to join with “Christian brothers and sisters 
of other denomin 


ions" in boycotting the 


Lawson chain of convenience stores that 
has been und 
Reverends Falwell and Wildmon 

In Los Ange Archbishop | Roger 
Mahony told Southern California Roman 
in the pick- 
ing of stores and the boycotting 
ucts advertised on ТУ that 
human sexuality." Someone 
suggested to him that rravnoy doesn't do 
that, for he included us in his attack on 
pornography under the reverse domino 
ory that “people who start with roy 
quickly looking for more deviant" 
serials. “Th 
and harmless р 


siege from the troops of the 


atholies to "actively engage 


e is no such thing as safe 


nography 

pravnow? Pornographic? What are these 
people talking about? It seems that the 
main accomplishment of the Meese com- 


mission has been to redefine pornography 


Even Kansas stockboys are trem- 
bling in fear of the Meese commission's 
ominous report on pornography. Since 
convenience stores started pulling 
men's magazines from their shelves, 

store owners have been scrutinizing 
all their magazines more carefully. In 
one case, American Photographer's 
Мау issue was pulled from some Kan- 
sas stores because a stock- 
boy noticed a naked breast 
> (shown at right) in an article 
on Victor Skrebneski, a high- 
‚style advertising, portrait and 
fashion photographer. 
In Florida, owners ofa 120- 
store grocery chain were 
alarmed by а front-page 
photo in the Globe of two 
- Dynasty stars’ steamy kiss in 

the shower. They pulled the 
` tabloid from their racks, 

im though the scene had 


as anything pertaining to sex, which may 
have been its purpose all along. We 
are that the Meese commission discov- 
ed anything sex related that it did not 
find pornographic 

The 


the bishops 


not 


existence of the commission gives 
and archbishops justification 


“Organized religions, by and large, 
never have been bulwarks of free speech 
for anyone other than themselves.” 


for launching their crusades against por- 
aphy. They 


prejudgment that sexually explicit materi- 


cept the commission's 


recent social 
not mentioning that 
ial scientists are complaining 
interpreted and 
ale commission 


nd с 


als lead to violence 


studies 
legitim 
that their work was n 
misapplied and that two fe: 
members have rejected the finding that 
linked pornography to viol 


as proc 


псе against 


women. Even some of the researchers who 
ort say there is nothing 
scientific to support its conclusions. 

The reports value, though, is in its 
inspirational quality. Even if its conclu- 
sions are unsound, the bishops are able to 


worked on the 


speculate that pornography— which they 
define for themselves as "words or acts or 
representations. that are 


stimulate sexual feelings independent of 


calculated to 


the presence of another loved and chosen 
human being"—is ically dam- 
aging material that “creates a hunger for 
more violent, more deviant and more anti- 
Is, driving many who 
gage in increasingly unusual 
and bizarre sex acts with a great variety 
of partners." Hence, "child m 
persons who commit incest, kille 


psych 


social sexual mate 


use it to 


Nesters, 


and 
rapists who often develop a fondness for 
and use it to 
themselves before seeking out victims 
Which would be a hell of a thing if true. 
But prior to the Meese commission, social 
scientists were blaming incest, child molest- 
ing, rap 
on the neurotic 
religi 


pornography” arouse 


nd other antisocial behavior 
attitude, acquired from 
us teaching, that sex is sinful 

In an editorial commenting on the new 
Catholic-fundamentalist coalition, the 
nd Plain Dealer had this to say 


d religions, by and large, 


bulwarks of free 
for anyone other than 
themselves. Religion, by its very 


паш 


, depends upon unquestioning 
acceptance of authority for its 
continued When that 
authority is brought to bear against 
literature time and 
again, through history, the 


existence. 


as it has been 
winner 
That, 


pears to be the course 


most often is censorship. 
tragically 
ong which these self-styled forces of 


“decency” so blithely march. 


appeared on national television and 
one of the stars was wearing a body 
stocking. Ти? 
Is nothing sacred? Next thing you - 
know, the public-sex spies will go after | 
the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, — 
» Indeed, in the April of. 
Reverend. 


PLAYBOY 


F E E 


WISCONSIN SOLUTION 
ГІ 


headline on the front 
page of Madi Wiscon- 
sin's, Capital Times read, 
3 IN MAGAZINES AGAIN BANNED 
мї uw UNIONS" I wondered 
what "porn magazines" had 


been banned. The story 
informed me that the Univer- 
of Wisconsin Union 
ouncil, which sets policy for 
the UW-Madison Memorial 
Union and Union South, had 
voted to ban all monthly 
ma 


zines from the news- 


stands under its control 
It is my privilege to serve 
as editor of The Progressive, a 
monthly magazine founded in 
1909 by Robert M. LaFol- 
lette, Sr. Our publication has 
been called many names in 
the past 77 years, not all of 
them flattering, but I do 
[ 
anyone has char 
a "porn magazine. 
Ours is, of course, by no 


ve this is the 


rst time 


means the only magazine so 
designated. I gather that once 
the Union € 
is put into effect, the news- 
stands at the Memorial Union 
and Union South will be off 
limits to such journals as 
Harper's and The Atlantic, Sci 
entific American and Popular 
Science, Forbes and Reader's 
Digest 


uncil's decision 


all of them presumed 
to be porn magazines because 
they come out once a month. 

On the other hand, the 
union newsstands will con- 
tinue to purvey Newsw 
People, Sports Illustrated, ТІ 
New Yorker, Time, U.S. News 
& World Report and Rolling 
Stone. These weeklies, according to a 
Wisconsin State Journal, “іп 
some way contribute to activities that 
part of the u 
nal or 


story in the 


a on's cultural, educa- 
' programs, 
according to the plan adopted by the 
council.” Оһ 

АП of this idiocy stems, of course, 
from the Union Council's peculiar 
obsession with ғілуноу, Playgirl and 
Penthouse—three monthlies that have. 
apparently, enjoyed brisk sales on cam- 
pus. (The Pr е, alas, sells barely 
а dozen copies there a month.) In their 
gerness to shield the chil- 
dren enrolled at the university from 


recreational 


pathetic ea 


of Jesus Christ and 


А С K 


“Does the ‘church’ have any command from God 
to involve itself in marches, demonstrations or any 
other actions, such as many ministers and church 
leaders are so doing today in the name of civil rights of Chain Drug Re 
reforms? . . . Nowhere [in the Bible] are we com- 
missioned to reform the externals, We are not told to 
wage wars against bootleggers, liquor stores, gam- 
blers, murderers, prostitutes, racketeers, prejudiced 
persons or institutions, or any other existing evil as Aid, no longer wanted to 

` such. . . . Believing the Bible as I do, I would find it 
impossible to stop preaching the pure saving Gospel 
begin doing anything clse— 
including fighting communism or participating in 
civil rights reforms. . . . Prea 
- be politicians but soul winners.” 
o P Тһе Reverend Jerry Falwell 
Sermon, March 21, 1965 


these "porn magazines," the council's 
Pecksnilfs seized on the bald subterfuge 
of banning all magazines that are pub- 
lished monthly. They would have been 
better advised to proscribe all publica- 
tions whose names begin with the letter 
P; that would have made just as much 
sense, and they could have snared 
млувоу, Playgirl and Penthouse—and 
The Progressive, too— without putting 
Scientific American on their index of 
banned periodicals 

Have you ever noticed that censors— 


the folks who arrogate to themselves 
the power to determine what othe 


should see or hear or read—have an 


ichers are not called to us, 


uncanny knack for making 
fools of themselves? Some 
local news reports indicate 
that the university admin- 
istration is expected to 
approve the Union Council’s 
new no-monthlics policy. I 
hope these reports аге mis- 
taken have the Union 
Council succumb to terminal 
stupidity is depressing; to 
have the university confer its 
blessing would be appalling 
There is a bright side 
though: Perhaps some enter- 
prising soul will get in touch 
with Al Goldstein, the 
intrepid publisher of New 
York's raunchy Screw maga- 
zine, which is about as hard- 
core as you t Ws a 
weekly, so it must be attuned 
to “the union's cultural, edu- 
cational or rec 
grams." 
Erwin Knoll, Editor 
The Progressive 
Madison, Wisconsin 


ational pro- 


HYPOCRISY? 
In the May 19, 1986, issue 


w, а 
biweekly publication, I came 
across an interesting article 
stating that Alex Grass, chair- 
man and president of Rite 


carry your magazine for fear 
of offending customers. “Our 
company’s success was built 
on trust customers have in 
Grass said. “We operate 
a family drugstore and health 
and beauty-aids business and 
prefer to be thought of this 
way 

Î ask Grass this question: If 
Rite Aid was so concerned about sell- 
ing PLAYBOY, then why do its stores have 
a huge collection of X-rated porno 
flicks, such as the Swedish Erotica line, 
for sale and for rent in their video 
departments? 


R. X. Zemg 
Tully, New York 
More than one reader has called this to 
our attention, and we wouldn't be sur 
prised if by now somebody at Rite Aid— 
maybe Mr. Grass—hasn't decided that his 
company was being a little hypocritical in 
throwing stones at sinners. We have Rite 
Aid's "Adult Video Catalog" and the titles 
alone are causing us to blush 


43 


44 


КЕР Oo EEE b RS 


FUNDAMENTALISTS 
ANONYMOUS 


By BRUCE KLUGER 


Jerry Falwell is beginning to sweat. 

And it's not the set ligh 
nationally televised Old 
Hour that’s causing the perspiration 
Nor is it the heat generated by the Bible 
pounding of his multitudinous Moral 
Majority constituents. 

No, it's a not-so-tiny-anymore organi 
zation called Fundamentalists Anony- 
mous that’s bothering Jerry. And it's 
pretty refreshing to watch him squirm for 
a change. How does one attack people 
who are only offering to assist others in 
making the transition from fundamental- 
ism to mainstream religion? 

Fundamentalists Anonymous was first 
mentioned іп these pages іп October 
1985—just months after the organization 
began. In a letter from Richard Yao, 
А.% founding father, we learned that 
his group was dedicated to creating a 
support system for ex-fundamentalists 
who might be feeling “the same with- 
drawal symptoms as those leaving reli- 
gious cults.” Little more than a tiny 
grass-roots organization, F.A. was taking 
on the big guys, or, to take one from the 
Reverend Falwell's. book—the Good 
Book— pulling David and Goliath 
Here's how the fight has turned out 

This past winter, Falwell spoke at a 
summit meeting of the newly formed 
Liberty Federation (an organization Yao 
insists is nothing more than the same old 
Moral Majority, which has "changed its 
name as a PR play"). Although Vice- 
President Bush grabbed the spotlight as 
the keynote speaker, it was Falwell's fiery 
speech to the congregation that proved 
to Yao that his organization was making 
à dent: Falwell listed. Fundamentalists 
Anonym s the Moral Majority's 
number-one opponent. The A.C.L.U 
and People for the American Way came 
in as runners-up. 

It's remarkable that F.A. has made 
such an impact, especially when the fig- 
ures are considered: Falwell has a 
nationally televised show, a cable TV 
show, a newspaper, a magazine and a 
newsletter. He has an annual budget of 
more than $100,000,000, a mailing list of 
5,000,000 plus and a staff of 2000. He 
also has a private jet at his disposal 


us 


.A., on the other hand, has 31 chapters, 
a mailing list of 22,000 and a full-time 
staff of two, who take the subway and 
work out of a church basement in Man- 
hattan (whereabouts are kept unknown 
for “security reasons”). They don't even 
have a copying machine. And Jerry 
Falwell considers them public enemy 
number one? David and his slingshot, it 
appears, have hit the proverbial bull's- 
eye 

What is probably getting Falwell’s 
goat is the fact that he can’t discredit Yao 
or tar him as anti-God or antireligion 
Yao is a graduate of Yale Divinity School 
and New York University School of Law, 
not to mention an ex-Wall Street attor- 
ney. And as an ex-fundamentalist him- 
self, he clearly knows whereof he speaks. 

As Yao explains, "Groups like the 
A.C.L.U. are less of a threat to Falwell 
because they aren't making inroads 
within his own constituency. We, on 
the other hand—in an effort to reach 
and rehabilitate ex-fundamentalists—are 
finding that practicing fundamentalists 
e listening to us as well.” Like- 
wise, hundreds of mainline Christian 
churches are beginning to throw their 
support to F.A. 

This from the Reverend Dr. John 
Killinger of the First Presbyterian 
Church in Lynchburg, Virginia. 


If I have learned anything over 
the years, it is this: Religious experi- 
ence is marked by mystery and 
spontaneity, not by precise form. I 
therefore regard fundamentalism as 


an attempt to imprison the human 
spirit, to manipulate it according to 
someone else's notion of authority 

As a minister in Jerry Falwell’s 
home town, I know that this kind of 
religion gets mixed up with politics 
and sociology easily. While it may 
not always lead to the excesses seen 
nder the Khomeini regime in Iran, 
it always tends in this direction and 
ought therefore to be resisted in 
every possible way. As one who 
grew up in a fundamentalist church, 
I well understand’ the need 
organization such as Fundamental- 
ists Anonymous 


r an 


From the Reverend Charles Newton of 
Tolarsville Baptist Church in St. Pa 
North Carolina: 


1 can tell you how dangerous the 
fundamentalist mind-set is. 105 a 
mind-set that justifies child abuse as 
"discipline in the home," that 
excuses wife beating, since women 
should be submissive to their hus- 
bands, that fosters the bombings of 
abortion clinics, the murder of pros- 
titutes or the lynching of homosexu- 
als. I am appalled by false prophets 
like Jerry Falwell, Jimmy Swaggart 
and Pat Robertson, who set them- 
selves up as infallible interpreters of 
the Word. If there is any doubt 
about the need for F.A., just visit 
your local mental institution, You'll 
find people there who are at their 
wits’ end trying to live up to the 


FREUD MEETS FALWELL 


N O 


Ir ESB O 


impossible standard of 
fundamentalism. 


From the Reverend M. J. 
Timbs of the First Christian 
Church in Hot Springs, 
Arkansas: 


Falwell's deliberate 
falsehoods must be chal- 
lenged by all true 
Christians and decent 
Americans. As a sup- 
porter of Fundamental- 
ists Anonymous and a 
Christian minister, 1 
know that this group 
is in по way “anti- 
Christian.” Rather, like 
the good Samaritan, it 
is attending to the casu- 
alties of fundamental- 
ism and restoring them 


X-RATED BIBLES 


When fundamentalists drove PLAYBOY from the newsstands of 
7-Eleven stores across the country, an enterprising Texan 
named J. Ashleigh Burke came up with an alternative product 
for convenience-store consumption, Burke, author of The 
X-Rated Book: Sex and Obscenity in the Bible (J.A.B. Press, 
Department 312, 10502 Telephone Road, Houston, Texas 
77075, $8.95), shot a letter off to Southland Corporation in 
which he suggested that his racy interpretation of the Good 
Book be made available to 7-Eleven customers to give Jerry 
Falwell and the churches “a dose of their own medicine.” 

Meanwhile, Californian Ben Edward Akerley penned The 
X-Rated Bible (American Atheist Press, Р.О, Box 2117, Austin, 
Texas 78768-2117, $9). Both authors have offered themselves 
up as fodder for the cannons of evangelical crackpots with their 
somewhat X-centric interpretations of such Biblical verses as 
Exodus 4:18-26 (“Moses and the Flying Foreskin"), Genesis 
38:1-10 (“Onan's Fatal Orgasm”). Burke, in his letter to South- 
land, felt obliged to point out that his version of Dueling Bibles 


O K 


back into the fold. “But 

they're not very good at 

it,” says Yao. 
“Fundamentalism is 


young leader. “There 
one central mind-set that 
sees things in black and 


white. Anything that 
n't Bible-related— 
Romeo and Juliet, Вес- 
thoven's Ninth, a Greek 
statue—is considered 
sinful. Therefore, when 
people leave fundamen- 
talism, 
them to assimilat 
into the world. That's 
why we're here: to help 
them.” 

But there's still a way 


to wholeness. 


From the Reverend 
Heslip Lee, Minister at 
Large, American Baptist 
Churches, U.S.A., Cedar- 
town, Georgia: 


1 was born in, raised 
by and lived by the 
rules of a fundamental- 
ist Baptist family in 
rural Georgia. My first 
memories of religion 
came from sermons 
against Jews, Catho- 
lics, Yankees, blacks 
and foreigners. I was 
taught [God] had a 
long, beard, 
spoke English and was 
a Baptist. He would 
send you to hell if you weren't bap- 
tized in a running stream and didn't 
call yourself “born again.” I broke 
the chains of fundamentalism and 
moved on to a larger Christian per- 
spective, which provides me with 
the faith in a monotheistic God in a 
pluralistic society. Fundamentalists 
Anonymous helps thousands of peo- 
ple each month; I wish it had 
existed when I really needed it. 


And from the Reverend Jerry Shumm 
of the First United Church of Baton 
Rouge, Louisiana—home of TV evange- 
list Swaggart: 


When I first learned of F.A., I 
was delighted. Living in Baton 
Rouge has made me aware of the 
crying need for a nonjudgmental 


THE XR АТЕГ»воок: 


SEX AND OBSCENITY 


was proof enough to off- 
set the “public gestures” 
against #.avboy and oth- 

er publications, 


“community” 

where people can untangle 

the web of guilt, worthlessness and 
isolation woven by fundamentalism, 
I've met so many “faith-filled” рео- 
ple who have been paralyzed be- 
cause they realize that simplistic 
solutions to complex problems just 
don't work. Through F.A., people 
can know that they are not alone 


Still, the fundamentalists battle on. 
They continually harass F.A., limply 
flogging its members with threats such as 
“You've entered a battle that you will 
lose" or “God will snuff your candle 
out." They've even tried to infiltrate 
F.A. by calling the head office, giving a 
phony name and requesting to start a 
chapter. By doing this, the infiltrators 
believe they can bring their followers 


to go. Although Yao 
insists that the response 
across America has been 
“almost mind-boggling” 
(mostly due to the 
national exposure Yao 
got when he and F.A. 
cofounder Jim Luce 
appeared on the Dona- 
hue show), he admits 
that his organization is 
severely undercapital- 
d. "We're like a busi- 
ss," he analogizes, 
"that is having an over- 
whelming response from 
the market, yet doesn't 
have enough money to 
buy the raw materials to 
meet the dem, 
all the while, Fal 
claiming we're spending millions 
of dollars to attack his Old Time 
Gospel Hour. That's ridiculous," he 
laughs. “If we had millions of dollars, we 
wouldn't be cooped up in this church 
basement." 

So Richard Yao is fighting fire with 
fire. The fire he's fighting is the one that 
allegedly burns in hell, and the опе 
he's using burns at the heart of his 
Fundamentalists Anonymous. And the 
flames are rapidly rising over what Yao 
calls “the crucible of fundamental: " 

Which may be why Jerry Falwell is 
beginning to sweat. 

To contact Fundamentalists Anony- 
mous, write to them at P.O. Box 20324, 
Greeley Square Station, New York, New 
York 10001; or call 212-696-0420. 


—PHIL 
COOPER 


45 


46 


NE W.-S TD RON I 


what's happening in the sexual and social arenas 


DO IT YOURSELF 


TORONTO—A woman who says she gave 
birth after inseminating herself with a 
turkey baster is being denied welfare for 
refusing lo answer questions about the 
conception or identify the father. The 
Supreme Court of Ontario upheld the au- 
thority of the ministry of community and 
social services to refuse the claim for what 


Canada calls a mothers’ allowance until 
certain information is obtained. The 
woman will say only that she used the 
turkey-baster method after learning that 
Canadian officials would not allow artifi- 
cial insemination of a single woman and 
that three men—acquaintances who met 
her standards for intelligence and genetic 
history —donated the semen. She says she 
mixed their semen together in order not to 
know the identity of the father, for both 
emotional and legal reasons, and went to 
court not because she needed the money 
but to challenge government policy. 


THE CHANGELING 


INDIANAP® state of Indiana 
does not have to provide estrogen treat- 
ments to one of its prison mmates, accord- 
ing to a Federal district judge. The 
27-year-old convicted murderer dresses in 
women's clothing, has had silicone injec- 
tions and breast implants and has already 
undergone chemical castration and other 
procedures in an effort to become female; 
but the judge found that failure to provide 
additional treatment did not constitute 
cruel and unusual punishment, as 
claimed in the prisoner's lawsuit. The 
court also found that prison officials had 


correctly classified the inmate as male 
because of his male genitalia and had 
exercised proper discretion in placing him 
away from the general prison population. 


NOSE OU 


WASHINGTON, DC—Bowing to pressure 
from Congressional investigators, the 
Pentagon has scrapped a 60-page poly- 
graph examiners’ manual instructing 
operators to ask prying questions about a 
subject's sexual activities and other per- 
sonal matters, The testing program was 
set up following recent spying scandals 
but was found to go far beyond its coun- 
terintelligence objectives. Sample ques- 
tions in the manual: 

Have you ever owed a bar bill? 

Have you ever been party to an abor- 
tion? 

Has any member of your family been an 
alcoholic? 

Have you ever consulted a psychia- 
trist? 

Have you ever received sexual stimula- 
tion in a crowded area? 

Have you engaged in sex acts with an 
animal? 


‘ew AIDS studies suggest that the 
virus may lie dormant until another dis- 
ease affecting the immune system triggers 
it into activity. Several groups of re- 
searchers say that repeated infection by 
viruses, bacteria or fungi may weaken the 
immune system to the point where cells 
infected by the AIDS virus itself begin to 
multiply. According to a report in Science 
magazine, this could explain why the 
latency period of the disease seems to vary 
so widely, generally from one to seven 
years. 

Elsewhere: 

* Under legislation approved by the 
California senate judiciary committee, 
rapists and other sex offenders who com- 
mitted crimes while suffering from AIDS 
would receive an extra three years in 
prison, 

* In Fulton County, Georgia, a state- 
court judge has begun offering sex offend- 
ers the voluntary option of having their 
sentences reduced if they agree to be tested 
for AIDS and other venereal diseases, 

= A Wisconsin company has developed 
a special sealable coffin for victims of 
infectious diseases, including AIDS. 

“ BrainReserve, a New York consulting 


firm, reports that 38 percent of people it 
surveyed say they fear catching AIDS 
from touching objects possibly handled by 
carriers, such as food in a supermarket or 
4 restaurant, and that the U.S, sales of 
rubber gloves and other barrier products 
have increased sharply. 


starrit—A civil racketeering and 
conspiracy (RIGO) suit has been filed in 
Federal court against two groups of 
Snohomish County anti-abortionists, con- 
tending that they used terror tactics to 
close the Feminist Women's Health Center 
m Everett, Washington, The suit invokes 
a statute originally aimed at organized 
crime and accuses the groups and eight 
individuals of “vicious and violent 
attacks,” including three acts of arson, 
under circumstances that the law might 
construe as associations conspiring to 
engage in a pattern of illegal activity. 


JUSTICE ON THE SPOT 


LIMA, PERU—A state-appointed psychia- 
trist, after prolonged testing and inter- 
viewing of a suspect іп a series of grisly 
murders, came unglued and strangled 
him with a belt rather than see the man go 
free in the absence of evidence to convict. 
At a press conference, the psychiatrist, 


now in police custody himself, described 
his victim as a “monster of superior intel- 
ligence," with an 1.0. of 180, who al. 
legedly began a killing spree after 
spending ten years in prison for murder 
ing an aunt and two nephews. 


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ست‎ 


nawor www. CARL BERNSTEIN 


a candid conversation with the watergate reporter and real-life model for 
“heartburn” about journalism, early success and divorce as public spectacle 


The simple outline of the story isn't so 
extraordinary. A young, ambitious guy gets a 
break, enjoys a big success, gets caught up in 
the heady excitement of it all, sees his mar 
riage unravel and his work suffer and strug- 
gles to regroup as he moves into his 40% 

The difference 
one of degree. Perhaps no journalists in his 
tory were as celebrated as Bernstein and his 
partner, Bob Woodward, after they broke the 
Watergate stories in The Washington Post 
that led to the resignation of President Rich 
Al the same time, perhaps no man 


in Carl Bernstein's case, is 


ard Nixon. 
has ever been taken to task so publicly and 
piercingly as Bernstein was in “Heartburn 
the roman à clef that Nora Ephron wrote 
about the dissolution of their marriage 
Indeed, Bernstein's life could be а movie— 
if it weren't for the fact that it is already two. 
In the first, “All the President's Men," he's 
played by Dustin Hoffman 
tenacious reporter questing, against all odds, 
after truth. In the second, “Heartburn,” Eph 
ron's just-released adaptation of her novel, 
the Bernstein character is played by Jack 
Nicholson—as a philandering husband who 
falls in love with a married woman when his 
own wife is pregnant with their second child. 
It is life as public spectacle; and for Bern 
stein himself, the 14 years since the Watergate 


as an incredibly 


So Woodward writes 
shit kicked out of him by the critics; my mar 
riage falls apart and it becomes a national 


Wired’ and gets the 


soap opera. Some of this goes with the territory 
and some we've helped along ourselves.” 


break-in have been a relentless roller-coaster 
ride—big ups followed by big downs 

Even before Watergate 
man characterized by extremes—and his atti 
tudes plainly have their origin in his child- 
hood. Born in 1944 in Washington, D.C., to 
left-wing parents, he grew up in the full flush 
of the McCarthy era, His father, Alfred, 
began his career as a union lawyer but lost his 
job after being called to testify before Senator 
James Eastland's Internal Security Subcom 
mittee about his political activities. Virtually 
blacklisted, he ran a small laundromat with 
his wife, Sylvia, until he could finally get a 
better job, years later, as a fund raiser 


Bernstein was a 


Carl was not political—though he was 
skeptical of and even hostile to authority from 
In high school, he was a classic 
underachiever. At 16, he got a job at the 
Washington Star as a copy boy—and fell in 
love with journalism, He tried college, at the 
University of Maryland, but never gradu 
ated. From the Star, he went to The Daily 
Journal in Elizabeth, New Jersey, where he 
quickly reinforced his reputation: talented but 
difficult, street-smart but undisciplined. 

The following year, 1966, after winning a 
passel of writing awards, he was hired by The 
Washington Post as a reporter, He quickly 
made it clear that he would not play by its 


an early age 


It’s certainly no hardship to be played by 
Jack Nicholson or by Dustin Hoffman. 1 fig 
ure that by now, those guys have gotten about 
$9,000,000 to play me in movies. Next time 
1 should play myself. 


out, maybe 


rules, either, He worked fitfully, fought con. 
stantly with editors and hung on to his job 
only because when he did produce, he could 
be very unusually knowledgeable 
about Washington neighborhoods, terrific at 
working the phone, tenacious when he finally 
latched on to a story. When he married fellow 
reporter Carol Honsa, things briefly smoothed 
out; but the marriage did not survive, and 
the tensions at the paper did. By 1972, nei 
ther the Post nor Bernstein was happy with 
each other. He wanted to be a national corre 
spondent or cover Vietnam or become the 
paper's full-time rock critic. The Post editors 
simply wished that he would leave the paper 
And then, suddenly, there was Watergate 
The big ride began on a June night in 
1972, when five men were arrested for break 
ing into the Democratic National Committee 
headquarters in the apartmentlofficelhotel 
complex in Washington known as the Water 
gate. Over the next two years, Bernstein and 
Woodward wrote 225 stories in The Wash- 
ington Post that systematically exposed the 
most far-reaching American political scandal 
of the 20th Century, For their work, The 
Washington Post was awarded a Pulitzer 
Two best-selling Woodward-Bernstein 
followed. All the President's Men. 
the whodunit tale of their reporting feats, 


good: 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY BENNO FRIEDMAN 


1 think it would surprise people to know that 
monogamy was never the basic issue in our 
Yes, I did eventually choose to be 
But did 1 fuck around 


during our marriage? No,” 


marriage 


with someone else 


49 


PLAYBOY 


which became a movie starring Hoffman and 
Robert Redford, and “The Final Days,” 
which unfolded, in intimate detail, the last 
100 days of the Nixon Administration. 

But from that point, in 1976, the ride got 
considerably rougher for Bernstein—both 
professionally and personally. After a brief 
and frustrating return to The Washington 
Post, he set off on his own to do a book about 
growing up in a left-wing family in the For- 
ties and Fifties. 

In 1980, feeling blocked on his book, 
Bernstein took a job as Washington bureau 
chief for ABC News. It was precisely at that 
point that his three-and-a-half-year-old mar- 
riage to writer Nora Ephron broke up, after 
she discovered that he had begun an affair 
with Margaret Jay, the wife of former British 
ambassador Peter Jay. The news was 
announced by columnist Liz Smith, who 
quoted Ephron's summation of her husband's 
actions: “Carl is a rat.” It was a marriage 
made and unmade in the media. 

The ABC job, meanwhile, was a disaster, 
by all accounts; and a year into it, Bernstein 
was replaced. He then became a correspond- 
ent for ABC's “Nightline” and did some solid 
reporting, particularly on the British inva- 
sion of the Falklands, But when his contract 
came up for renewal in 1984, he and ABC 
could not come to terms and he left the net- 
work and decided to resume work on his book, 
For the past two years, that has been his cen- 
tral focus—and he says he is about two thirds 
finished. 

The reverberations of the breakup of his 
marriage continue, however. “Heartburn” 
was published in 1983—an account that 
characterized Bernstein as a man “capable of 
having sex with a Venetian blind.” Bernstein 
did little to diminish the womanizing image 
created by the book when he chose to squire a 
series of highly visible women, ranging from 
Bianca Jagger to "Hill Street Blues” Betty 
Thomas to Elizabeth Taylor. (He is currently 
seeing Kathleen Tynan, widow of New 
Yorker writer Kenneth Tynan.) 

Shortly after “Heartburn” was published 
and it was announced that Mike Nichols was 
interested in making it into a movie, Bern- 
stein was arrested in Washington, D.C., for 
driving while intoxicated. Although the 
charges were dropped, the incident provoked 
him to hospitalize himself for observation. 
Not long after that, he decided to bring legal 
action against Ephron, їп an attempt to ехет- 
cise some control over his portrayal—and its 
potential effect on their two children, Jacob, 
seven, and Max, six—in the movie version of 
“Heartburn.” 

Bernstein won, in an addendum to his 
divorce agreement with Ephron, a number of 
concessions, including a promise that “the 
father in the movie ‘Heartburn’ will be por- 
trayed at all times as a caring, loving and 
conscientious father” and that he himself 
would have the right to read all drafts of the 
screenplay, submit written comments and be 
permitted to meet with both Nichols and Eph- 
ron to discuss his concerns. 

Until now, Bernstein has steadfastly 
declined to discuss publicly his marriage and 
divorce, Ephron’s book and movie or his work 


in the years since Watergate. For all those rea- 
sons, PLAYBOY asked free-lance writer Tony 
Schwartz, who has written widely about the 
media and had conducted “Playboy Inter- 
views” with Dan Rather and Paul Simon, to 
sit down with Bernstein in New York. This is 
Schwartz's report: 

“It was а struggle from the start—even 
trying to get Bernstein to commit himself to 
times to sit down and talk. In the end, we did 
half a dozen sessions, in restaurants, flying to 
and from Chicago, where Bernstein gave a 
speech to the meats division of the Jewish 
United Fund, in his rented duplex in an East 
Side brownstone. 

“But Carl Bernstein is nothing if not diffi- 
cult, and from the start, he was intent on 
doing everything he could to control the terms 
of the interview. He sought quote approval. 
Turned down, he sought modified quote 
approval. Turned down, he sought the right 
to review for syntax. 

“It made me understand why he can be 
such an effective reporter. The man is relent- 
less. If I posed a question he didn't like, he 
would turn off the tape recorder and insist 
that it be rephrased. More than once when 1 
asked a probing question, he accused me— 
combatively—of being more interested in 


“Woodward and I are 
competitive, yet we love each 
other deeply. With 
Watergate, we had an 
experience I suspect nobody 
else is ever going to have.” 


confrontation than in eliciting truth. He had 
an agenda, and he was not about to give 
ground easily. 

“If there was one thing that Carl Bernstein 
did not want to project, it was vulnerability, 
He has а bit of Pangloss in him—putting а 
good face on even the worst events—but 1 
came to believe that what he says, he seems 
genuinely to believe. And Bernstein is 
consistent—not just in his sunny self- 
assessment but in his resistance to revealing, 
in any detailed way, the more intimate aspects 
of his private life. In a kiss-and-tell world, 1 
could not help admiring Bernstein's reluc- 
tance to join the fray. 

“Ironically, perhaps, the most likable qual- 
ity about him is the very one he tries so vigor- 
ously to conceal: his vulnerability. Beneath 
his bluff exterior, there is a bad-boy quality 
that is far more appealing. Yes, he arrives an 
hour late for a meeting, but with such a 
sheepish look on his face that you can't stay 
truly angry at him for long. As David 
Halberstam wrote about him in ‘The Powers 
That Be,’ ‘Whenever he was in trouble, he 
seemed to be able to talk his way out of it.” 
Moreover, he did—at least once—show some 
lighthearted sympathy for a fellow reporter's 
slip-up. After our first meeting, I left my tape 


recorder—and our first tape—at his apart- 
ment. Before he returned it, he added this 
message at the end: ‘Journalism 101. First 
rule. Never leave behind your notes or your 
tape recorder in the office or home of the 
source, because you could get fucked up. 1 
thought it would be funny to give you an 
18-minute gap—but I've been very hon- 
est, and all I did was turn the tape over." 
"Before long, however, the Bernstein bark 
and bravado were back, The tenacity that 
makes him such a good reporter came 
through, and зо did—however veiled—a 
sense of the pain he must have felt at times 
these past several years. But the question that 
at me persistently, and still does, is 
not so much whether Carl Bernstein believed. 
what he was saying as whether—as one 
friend recently wondered —he had ever been 
completely honest with himself.” 


PLAYBOY: It’s been more than ten years 
since All the President's Men and The Final 
Days, books that marked the end of the 
extraordinary reporting you and Bob 
Woodward did on Watergate. Hasn't it all 
been a tough act to follow? 

BERNSTEIN: You know, we used to get asked 
that all the time, and we'd say, “Oh, no, 
we're not going to let that bother us. We're 
just interested in going out and being the 
cops on the beat: “Just the facts, ma'am.’ 
Well, the question is a reasonable one, and 
we're always going to hear it. So Bob 
writes Wired and gets the shit kicked out of 
him by the critics; my marriage falls apart 
and it becomes a national soap opera. 
Some of this goes with the territory, and 
some we've helped along ourselves; some 
has been helped along by other people, 
some of whom wish you ill, We've had 
plenty of shots taken at us, some deserved, 
some self-inflicted, some wild-assed, and 
you get used to occupying that territory. 
PLAYBOY: But it's you, not Woodward, who 
occupying the territory these da 
and not only because of Heartburn, You've 
had a lot of bad press, some of it about 
how little you seem to have done in the 
decade since Watergate. What do you 
think of your output? 

BERNSTEIN: I’ve got my life. I've got my 
children. I've got my work, I don't make 
sausages. | don't measure my work by 
sheer output. I'm more interested in the 
quality of what goes i he continuing 
quality of the product. I'm proud of the 
work Гуе done since I was 16 years old. 
I'd be glad to hold it up ag 
ard. Would 1 like to see more? Sure, Pd 
always like to see more. 

PLAYBOY: Still, you have one of the two 
most famous names in journalism. And the 
perception is that Woodward has been, 
and continues to be, a major success — 
BERNSTEIN: He should be. He's the best 
journalist in the business. 

PLAYBOY: And the perception of you is 
much more mixed. 

BERNSTEIN: I totally agree. 

PLAYBOY: Here's what we're driving at: 
Some of your colleagues would зау, 
“Look, here's a guy who broke Watergate, 


жер. A 
Be 


24 hour OLD SPICE deodorant works so long, 
© 1986 Shun, Ine you'll say so long to your usual stick. 


PLAYBOY 


52 


wrote a couple of great books, then squan- 
dered a good deal of money, took a job as 
bureau chief at ABC, failed at it, spent 
three years as a TV correspondent, had 
his marriage come apart in public and 
really hasn't been able to produce much 
since 1977 except the beginning of a book.” 
BERNSTEIN: There are elements in there 
that might be accurate and elements that 
are absurd. I've got to address the points 
individually. 

The book I've been writing during that 
time—about my parents and the McCar- 
thy period of the Fifties—will speak for 
itself, Clearly, I'm feeling pretty terrific 
about the book. 

I went to work іп 1980 for ABC, and 
ng a bureau chief was an unmitigated 
aster. Then, in 1981, I went on the air, 
and I did work I really am proud of and 
which, I’m sure if you talk to any of my 
colleagues, is pretty highly respected. 

I also did а long piece on Ronald Rea- 
gan for The New Republic that 1 worked on 
for several months and got a good deal of 
attention. 

So. Am I pleased with my output? No, 
Am I pleased with the quality of it? Yes. 
Am I ever pleased with my work? I'm 
always sort of beating up on myself about 
my work, And, yes, this period has been 
one of great upheaval, but I feel terrific for 
having come out of it. But I think your 
question was a little bit of a filibuster. 
PLAYBOY: It was a legitimate question. 
BERNSTEIN: | just think you wouldn't find 
people who would put the question 
‘ou did. I should also say that one 
f all the publicity on my private 
life—and 1 understand how the press 
works—is to create a caricature that will 
inevitably trivialize me. 

PLAYBOY: Still, you watched your partner, 
a guy who is your close friend 
BERNSTEIN: Closest friend 
PLAYBOY: Your closest friend going off to 
even greater success. You must have had 
some problems with jealousy: 
BERNSTEIN: You'd have to ask a shrink. 

PLAYBOY: What we're saying is that during 
the period we've talked about, Woodward 
wrote two best-selling books—The Breth- 
теп and Wired—a ТУ movie and a histori- 
cal miniseries, all while continuing as an 


bi 


аға a tough act to follow? 
BERNSTEIN: Incvitably, there's a compari- 
son made between Bob and me, and in 
terms of sheer output, I’m always going to 
come out on the short end of the stick. But 
if 1 were to measure my life in those terms, 
I'd spend the rest of it beating my head 
against the wall. 

We do different things. Bob and I are 
competitive. At the same time, we love 
cach other deeply. We're proud of each 
other. We're so close that it’s something 
like being siblings. 

PLAYBOY: Why? 

BERNSTEIN: We've been through something 
that nobody else has been through. It’s an 
experience that I suspect nobody else is 


ever going to have. Like any great mar- 
riage, it has had its really difficult 
moments, ups and downs and periods of 
rage and anger on both sides. And yet, for 
all that, we've weathered it. 

PLAYBOY: You've just come through a 
stormy period in your personal life. The 
end of your marriage to Nora Ephron was 
widely reported—including the fact that 
you'd had an affair with the wife of the for- 
mer British ambassador. Your wife then 
wrote a thinly disguised novel about the 
marriage, Heartburn, which became a best 
seller—and that book has now been 
turned into a movie starring Jack Nichol- 
son and Meryl Streep. How has all the 
attention affected you? 

BERNSTEIN: It's the most difficult period of 
my life, and it’s had an effect on my work, 
оп my equilibrium. It takes a certain toll, 
saps your energy. I'm not an unemotional 
person, and it’s taken a lot of time and 
n, caused a lot of anger and pain. 

y divorce is painful for the people 
involved, if they're two people who really 
cared about each other, as Nora and I did. 
And when you exacerbate it by making ita 
public spectacle, inviting everyone into 
your bedroom and your living room, that 
causes you more pain. And then, when you 
add to it the fact that you're trying to be a 
responsible parent and you're worried 
about the effect of this publicity, you cre- 
ate the kind of situation that doesn't give 
you the opportunity to really divorce. 
PLAYBOY: What do you mean by "really 
divorce? 
BERNSTEIN: The end of a marriage is, to 
some extent, about failure. And failure is 
not something you like to confront, parti 
ularly if—like me or Nora—you're not 
used to failing. Then, instead of our ha 
the ordinary situation, where you're able 
to move on rapidly from the point at which 
you separate, Nora created the single vehi- 
cle that could keep us connected, in terms 
of the destructive aspects of the mar- 
riage—which was to say, “Shit, now we 
don't have a marriage to fight over; we 
have a book and movie to fight over.” It 
would be funny if our lives weren't 
involved and, particularly, the lives of lit- 
tle kids, 

PLAYBOY: For years, however, you declined 
to speak publicly about your ex-wife's fic- 
tionalized version of your marriage. Why? 
BERNSTEIN: | didn't want to get up and 
have a big pissing match, saying, “Well, 
this is what happened, this isn’t what hap- 
pened; this is true, this isn’t true.” So 
when the book came out, I made a deci- 
sion: "Don't say a thing about it." At the 
time, all I said was, "Look, Гуе always 
known that Nora writes about everything 
that happens in her life. And I think the 
book is just like her—it's very clever.” 
PLAYBOY: Were you surprised that she 
chose to write a book about the marriage? 
BERNSTEIN: Knowing Nora, I could under- 
stand why she had to do it, to get certain 
feelings out. But I have a surprisingly 
naive side. I should have had no reason to 


be surprised, knowing that Nora has 
“Everything in y material. 
Nora's parents were well-known writers, 
too. They wrote two plays about her, one 
about her birth. I think she never got over 
that, though she might say otherwise. You 
know, this would be a truly hilarious 
Freudian joke if litle kids weren't 
involved. 
PLAYBOY: You're a writer. Don't you feel 
that your life is material, too? 
BERNSTEIN: | think you learn from every- 
thing, but I don't think you put it straight 
to the typewriter. I think you apply the 
knowledge, and you use it to become a bet- 
ter writer or a better jours 
But it seems to me, particularly 
person, that, Jesus, you ought 
аз you 


want to think of your private life. 
give it to them. Never give it a 
е, particularly 
ought to be something that you zealously 
keep for yourself. Does everything belong 
to Liz Smith? 
PLAYBOY: How 
about the bea! 
sip columns? 
BERNSTEIN: It is disturbing sometimes. I 
try to say to myself, “Who gives a shit 
about what's in the gossip columns?” but 
there are still times you don't like To 
some extent, I think the gossip celebrity 
game is meant to be a soap opera: Look at 
him, up high; let's see how he falls, Smart 
people learn to live with it. To let the gos- 
sip columns be a determining factor in 
your life is meshuga. 

You know, we live in a celebrity culture 
quite unlike any that's ever existe nd 
celebrity has very little to do with теги 
anymore, People are becoming famous for 
trying to murder their wives, then going on 
the talk-show circuit for the next year. 
PLAYBOY: Aren't you a professional celeb- 
n the sense that you get paid large 
sums of money to give speeches about 
journalism, even though it's been years 
since the events that made you famous? 
BERNSTEIN: I'm obviously someone who's 
well known, but I've done som 
become well known, and I've conti 
do work. I was on the air for 4 


disturbed have you been 
ng you've taken in the gos- 


nalism. I'm working on 
PLAYBOY: But you wouldn't ` command 
$5000 a speech on the basis of those activ 
ties alone. 

BERNSTEIN: If it hadn't been for Watergate, 
obviously not. But, again, l'm talking 
about becoming celebrated in this culture 
not by dc good job as a journalist but 
by simple exposure. 

PLAYBOY: Haven't you encouraged gossip 
about yourself? When you choose to go 
out with some of the most famous women 
in the world—Elizabeth Taylor, Bianca 
 Jagger—aren't you asking for it? 
BERNSTEIN: It goes with the territory. I’m 
not complaining about i 

PLAYBOY: We're not asking about territory 


CUIR IS TNR 


| 
| 
i 
| 
17 


PLAYBOY 


now. The question is, Don't you seck the 
attention? 

BERNSTEIN: | don't court the attention. 
One of the interesting things about Eliza- 
beth and me was that we managed to keep 
it a secret for a long time, and I was real 
insistent about it. But I think that if any- 
one pisses and moans too much about 
being a public person, you ought to turn 
him upside down and shake him and make 
him tell the truth, Because, obviously, 
there are parts of it that are fun. I don't 
give a shit who anybody sees me with. 
PLAYBOY: For the record, what's Elizabeth 
Taylor like? 

BERNSTEIN: She's a nice, single Jewish girl. 
PLAYBOY: OK. Although you had kept your 
relationship Taylor secret, you 
decided to tell Nora about it, right? 
BERNSTEIN: | was just trying to be nice, 
because I knew it was going to be in the 
London papers the next day. 

PLAYBOY: Is it true that Nora's reaction 
was, “You're going to have to leave now, 
Sarl; I have to call my friends"? 
BERNSTEIN: That's fairly accurate. What 
Nora wanted to do, as she often does, was 
gossip—to treat it as material. 

PLAYBOY: Aren't you having it both ways? 
You go out with Elizabeth Taylor, try to 
keep that a secret and criticize Nora 
for 
BERNSTEIN: Look, what's important to me 
is relationships, You have to insulate them 
from outside pressures, particularly if 
ou're with someone who is well known. 
he more you can keep it to just the two of 
you . . . you know, this gets to the heart of 
what Nora really did these past six years, 
so it's a good question. 

Let people think what they want about 
your private life. Let them see you walking 
down the street holding hands with whom- 
ever, But when you give it away to the 
public, when you give away what you sing 
to your infant child in the nursery, when 
you give away a poem that you wrote to 
your wife, you give away your soul! And 
that's what № did. 

PLAYBOY: That's pretty tough. 

BERNSTEIN: The fact is, I'm rather protec- 
tive about Nora. She's my ex-wife. I try to 
be protective of her feelings regardless of 
all this; nonetheless, ГІ say some rather 
strong things about what she did, because 
I think it was reckless and irresponsible. 
And she worked at it like a dog at a bone. 

But that doesn't obviate the fact that 
Nora is a wonderful person, capable of 
great work, She has truly wonderful quali- 
ties, and she is a terrific mother. 

PLAYBOY: What made you decide to keep 
silent about all of this? 

BERNSTEIN: Well, I think there's a limit, 
particularly when children are involved. 
And there came a certain point—when 1 
saw there was going to be a movie—and I 
said, “Enough, that's it; we've reached the 
limit. From now on, I’m going to be real 
hard-assed about this, about what can be 
in this movie and what can't be in this 
movie, and I'm going to make sure this is 


an experience that causes the children the 
least harm." Because if I'd just let this go 
on, without legal remedy, I'm not sure it 
would have ever ended. We could have 
been reading this story on cereal boxes. 
PLAYBOY: Actually, you ended up settling 
rather than going to court—and as part of 
your divorce agreement, there was an 
addendum assuring that you'd be por- 
trayed as a loving father, giving you the 
right to review scripts for the movie and 
make comments to the director, Mike 
Nichols. Why do you think Nora agreed to 
those conditions—and a series of others? 
BERNSTEIN: Well, I think she desperately 
wanted this movie to be made, and she 
was willing to do damn near anything to 
have it made. I was surprised that she 
agreed to certain of the conditions. 
PLAYBOY: Do you and Nora stay in touch? 
BERNSTEIN: Sure, and we both have agents. 
Right now, Nora has a movie coming out 
and a boyfriend on the best-seller list. 
Usually, when that happens, Nora gets 
married, [Ephron was married to writer 
Dan Greenburg before Bernstein and now 
lives with writer Nicholas Pileggi.] The 
trouble starts when you slip off the best- 
seller list. 


PLAYBOY: Did you give Nora alimony? 
BERNSTEIN: No, I gave her an entire indus- 
try. 


PLAYBOY: Your only comment about the 
novel Heartburn up to now has been that it 
was "clever." Do any other adjectives 
come to mind? 

BERNSTEIN: It had a kind of Joan Rivers 
sensibility. It's got a nasty tone, a smarmy 
edge. In the end, the only reason Heart- 
burn came to be was exploitation. Basi- 
cally, Nora wrote a clever piece of gossip 
that owed its success to who we were pub- 
licly. It came from the fact that Bob Wood- 
ward and I were well known, and then 
Nora and I were well known by virtue of 
being married. 

In that regard, I think, Heartburn is 
truly a book for our time. It is absolutely 
the perfect book for the Eighties. It is pru- 
rient. It obliterates everybody's dignity, 
even the little dignity that children ought 
to have by having a private childhood. 
PLAYBOY: Wasn't your life together already 
something of a media soap opera? 
BERNSTEIN: There was a pattern. First, the 
marriage was announced in a gossip col- 
umn. Then Nora's way of ending the 
marriage—the strangest way to end a 
marriage Гуе ever seen—was to go to a 
gossip columnist, Liz Smith in this case, 
and say, "The marriage is over; here's 
why." And then the purported story of the 
marriage and its disintegration becomes a 
book, and then it becomes a movie. If it 
were truly interesting, if it were Philip 
Roth or Woody Allen dealing with the sub- 
ject with honesty, with grace, with serious- 
ness, it might be worth while—but this 
was a different kind of exercise. 

Among other things, Heartburn is 
hardly an accurate portrayal of a marriage 


and a divorce, because it never deals with 
the reality of what happened in the mar- 
riage. The woman in the book suddenly 
wakes up one day to find out that her hus- 
band has fallen in love with another 
woman and that things are going to hell in 
a hand basket. 

Life is not quite like that. I think that, 
happily, the book reflects enough of Nora's 
talent for self-deception that there is some 
fictional refuge in there for the family 
PLAYBOY: What did happen to the mar- 
riage, from your perspective? 

BERNSTEIN: By the time the events 
described in the book and the movie took 
place, the marriage was about done, And, 
obviously, it takes two people to do that, to 
get a marriage to that state, and we had 
done it to each other, And at that point, 1 
fell in love with someone else. 

PLAYBOY: Specifically, your wife, seven 
months pregnant, discovered that you 
were having an affair with someone else— 
and she moved out. Is that right? 
BERNSTEIN: Let me say, unequivocally, that 
the breakup of my marriage is a conse- 
quence of my actions, Absolutely, There's 
no question about it, But whatever hap- 
pened before, in terms of a disintegrating 
marriage, that’s something quite apart. 
PLAYBOY: Why, in your view, did the mar- 


BERNSTEIN: I think we both came to believe 
a little too much of what we were reading 
in the papers about the marriage. We had 
come to expect that it had to be storybook 
perfect, and when one of us wasn't Cinder- 
ella or Prince Charming, it created havoc 
of a degree totally out of proportion to 
whatever the event would have been іп an 
ordinary marriage. 

I read recently a comment Nora made 
that 1 thought was telling. She referred to 
the “chemistry” between Jack and Meryl 
on screen being like that of Tracy and 
Hepburn. Perhaps Nora had this idea in 
her head about us. 

Again, I go back to this question of pri- 
хасу. | think it's very important 
particularly for people who are well 
known—to remain an ordinary person, 
When you get into trouble is when you 
start thinking you're real special. And I'm 
the first to admit that Pve done it, And it 
usually gets my ass into trouble, 

PLAYBOY: Do you think monogamy is an 
essential ingredient in a good marriage? 
BERNSTEIN: I certainly think monogamy is 
desirable. Clearly, if you're going to be 
with someone, you want to really be with 
her, and you can't have a marriage and 
spend all your time fucking your brains 
out. That's not what happened with Nora 
and me. I think it would surprise a great 
number of people to know that monogamy 
was never the basic issue in our marriage, 
Yes, 1 did eventually choose to be with 
someone else. But did 1 fuck around dur- 
ing our marriage? No. 

PLAYBOY: Yet, in Heartburn, Nora des 
you as a “piece of work in the вас! 
who just can't get enough. 


bes 
guy 


BERNSTEIN: Well, Im certainly not about 
to talk about how I am in bed. ГЇЇ leave 
that to Nora, since she's done it already 
I've got to tell you, the important thing 
about a man is not how he is in bed. It's 
how he is with people. Now, bed is fun, 
Bed is terrific. Sex is great. I'm all for it 
I've tried it. I like it. But I think the book 
has sort of drawn a picture that, though 
I'd like to take credit for all these adven- 
tures that I’m supposed to have had, has a 
great deal of exaggeration and mythology. 
PLAYBOY: At one point in Heartburn, Nora 
describes the husband as "capable of hav- 
ing sex with a Venetian blind.” Are you? 
BERNSTEIN: I think your question addresses 
the absurdity of what's happened, It’s tru- 
ly ridiculous. Um glad it’s come to this. Boy, 
am 1 not indiscrimi women 
I like to be with women, not hit on them 
PLAYBOY: Was it the depiction of you as a 
philanderer that disturbed you most? 
BERNSTEIN: The bedroom is a pretty pri- 
vate place, and it ought to be that. Also, 
I'm very sensitive to the implication of dis- 
loyalty, because, basically, 1 am one loyal 
person. Look, I have done things in my life 
that I'm not particularly proud of—and, 
obviously, there's a lot to feel bad about in 
terms of what happened in my marriage. 
At the same time, one thing I know about 
myself is that 1 have certain values, and 
I'm certainly not а bad person, and I've 
done some pretty good things 

PLAYBOY: You went to an early screening of 


ate about 


the movie. What did you think? 
BERNSTEIN: Ultimately, the problem with 
the movie is that it doesn’t h nything 
to say, The reaction I heard fr 
people who went to screenings was that 
the movie was slight. People keep saying 
it's a slight movie. Why do we have Mike 
Nichols and Meryl Streep and Jack Nich- 
olson doing this? 

PLAYBOY: Why do you think they did it? 
BERNSTEIN: You'd have to ask them. But, 
clearly, Mike is someone that people 
wanted to work with. His reasons for doing 
it are still a little obscure to me. I think he 
must have been hallucinating when he 
bought this thing. When Nora decided 
that she would sell this as a movie and 
Mike decided to buy it, 1 called him 
and said, "Let's have lunch," because 
we've been friends for a long time. 

So we went to the Russian Tea Room, 
and I said, “I can't believe you're going to 
do this," We both have sons named Max, 
and I said, “If this were a movie that had 
to do with your Max, as opposed to my 
Max, and had to do with your private life 
and your marriage and its ups and downs, 
as opposed to my marriage, you would go 
crazy. Particularly since, more than апу- 
body I know, you're a person who che 
ishes his privacy and that of his children. 
‘To which Mike responded, “I am your 
friend, and somebody's going to make this 
movie, and you're much better off if 1 
make it, because I'm your friend.” 


PLAYBOY: Was he able to convince you? 
BERNSTEIN: No. He went on at great length 
about how he saw something very different 
from Nora's book, that he saw it from a 
man's point of view and even applied his 
own life to it. I wasn't buying it 
PLAYBOY: Now that you've seen the movie, 
do you have a better idea of why Nichols 
wanted to do it? 
BERNSTEIN: Well, the other night, 1 
the Lincoln Center gala for Elizabeth Tay- 
lor, watching clips from Who's Afraid of 
Virginia Woolf?, which was directed by 
Mike Nichols. And it suddenly occurred to 
me that Mike, who knows both Nora and 
me very well, saw in us this kind of titanic, 
classic male-female struggle. Which is 
nuts! Because what you see when you see 
this movie is a very little story, a very silly 
story. It’s no еріс 
PLAYBOY: Why? 
BERNSTEIN: For a number of reasons—not 
the least of which is the legal action I 
took—the movie is forced to come quite 
close to the truth in terms of what really 
appened in the marriage. The problem is 
the subject, I'll say it again; It’s a silly lit- 
tle story about two people who fucked up. 
They had no movie. So there came a 
point where they brought Jack Nicholson 
in to save it. I mean, that's true. Mandy 
Patinkin [originally signed to play the 
Bernstein character] wasn't the right 
choice, and Mike wanted a certain point of 
view in the movie. And to save the movie, 


d 
3 


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PLAYBOY 


he went out and bought Jack 
PLAYBOY: But come on; you could do worse 
than to be played by Jack Nicholson 

BERNSTEIN: It's certainly no hardship to be 
played by him. Or by Dustin Hoffman 
[who portrayed the real-life Carl Bernstein 
in All the President's Men]. 1 figure that by 
now, those guys have gotten about 
$8,000,000 or $9,000,000 to play me in 
vies. It makes me think that next time 
out, E should play myself. It's not my line 
of work, but I like the money. Eight or 
That's a lot of money 


nine million dollars. 
to play me. 

I did have one hilarious moment in all 
this. They're making a movie of Wired. Му 
got a call from the people making 
the movie, asking me if / wanted to play 
Jack. I said по. [Woodward's book about 
the life and death of John Belushi includes 
descriptions of Nicholson's drug habits 
during the Seventies. | 
PLAYBOY; Who do you think does a better 
job playing you—Holliman or Nicholson? 
BERNSTEIN: They're very different, All the 
President's Men is probably the best movie 


lawye 


ever made about journalism—that, and 
His Girl Friday 

The r 
such 


All the Presidents Men is 
extraordinary movie is its fidelity 
to the process. There are moments when 
Redford working the 
when you learn as much about journalism 


you see 


as you could in six months іп a journalism 


school, The same is true when you watch 


Dustin doing the se 


where he goes to 
interview a person who works for the 
Nixon re-election committee and elicits 
information from someone who doesn’t 
want to give it 

PLAYBOY: What happens in that scene? 
BERNSTEIN: | can't all the 
details. You'd have to go back and look at 
it again. One of the truly hilarious draw- 
backs of having all this attention is that it's 
now gotten to the point where sometimes 1 


remember 


can't remember what happened іп real 
life, what happens in the book and what 
happens in the movie. 
point at which they all bleed together 
I have to go back and check my nc 
see what was real, It’s absurd 
PLAYBOY: Did Nicholson call you after he 
agreed to do the part? 

BERNSTEIN: Jack did not call me before he 
did Heartburn, and 1 didn't call him. But 
we did run into each other in a restaurant 
He 
nd sort of threw up his 
hands and said, “Well, buddy, I sure as 
hell wasn't going to call you during the 
shooting. I didn't want to know anything 
more about you than I know already." 
PLAYBOY: |. 
The Final Days—your second best-selling 
book with Woodward—came out, why 
didn’t you collaborate with him on The 
Brethren, which became his next b 
BERNSTEIN: | wasn't particularly 
bout the Supreme Court 


There comes a 
nd 
to 


right after they wrapped the movie 
came up to me 


s return to your work. After 


in doing a book a 


or any Government institution, Also, it 
d when Bob and I were get- 
ting along great. We'd been back at the 
Post for six months, after The Final Days, 
and we were spinning our wheels. We were 
frustrated in finding a project. Nora and I 
had been married for about a year, and 
Woodward and Nora had never gotten 
along real well didn't like 
other much—and I’m sure that had some- 
thing to do with it 

PLAYBOY: So what happened? 

BERNSTEIN: I decided to leave the Post, and 
my thoughts about the kind of reporting 1 
wanted to try started to change. Subcon- 
sciously, I'd always known that at some 


was not a p 


they each 


point, I would want to write about my 
parents. So that idea started to take 
shape 


PLAYBOY: And in 1977, you began to write 
the book you've titled Progressive People 
BERNSTEIN: | did, and, in fact, I did all the 


interviewing—happily, because a lot of 


the people are now dead. And I started to 
write, and 1 had written what really was 
and still is, 40 
pages or so that set the tone and the voice 
Then I got what I thought was blocked. In 
20 years of working for newspapers, 1 had 
never, ever been blocked rospect, 1 
think it was that my marriage was falling 
apart. Also, I was too young to write this 
book. So at that point, 1 decided, Well, 1 
think I'll go back to work for the Post. 

PLAYBOY: We're talking al t 1979—50 


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you'd been away for more than two years 
BERNSTEIN: It's an interesting story. Wood- 
ward and I talked, and then we started 
talking at great length with Bradlee [Ben 
Bradlee, executive editor of The Washing- 
ton Post]. First, there was a plan that we 
litan editors. 


would go back as co-metr 
And | must say 
always wanted to be an editor. 


since I was a kid, I'd 


So we had serious discussions about it 
Ben took the idea to Kath, 
[publisher of the Post], and I think she had 


ne Graham 


some real reservations about it. I think 
everyone һәй servations. They knew 
we'd had some rough times. There were 


periods when we weren't even talking to 
And | think there was also 
probably some genuine fear about the two 


cach. other 


of us going into management together and 
running roughshod over everybody 
PLAYBOY: How was the idea finally 


dropped? 
BERNSTEIN: | had always bcen very inter- 
ested in television. I knew Roone Arledge 
ABC News] from I 
Island, where I had a house, and I s 
him occasionally. I made a proposal to 
Roone in the summer of 1979, while Bob 
and 1 were still negotiating with the Post. 
Because if Bob and I took that job, it 
wouldn't happen for six months. I wanted 
ces for Roone, I thought it 
xd way t 


[president of 


aw 


to do some р 


would be a g carn television 
He liked the ide 

PLAYBOY: So you went after a TV carcer? 
BERNSTEIN: | made my proposal to Roone's 
executives and they said, "We've got a dif- 
ferent idea. Why don't you come work for 
us as Washington bureau chief? 
‘Well, for starters, I don't know anything 
about television." They said, “You don't 
need to know anything about television 
We want 
Eventually, I accepted the job. I was very 
relieved not to have k to The 
Washington Post. Also, there was a part of 
me that didn't want to be in this race with 
Woodward, competing ag ach oth: 
He was determined to be 
there 
So 1 
a good 


I said, 


someone who knows news. 


to go bac 


nst 


as editors. 


and it would have bes 
could have been 
thought the ABC 
solution. But I was disastrous at the job, 


editor 


real blo 
job was re 


and it was a disaster for me. Jesus Christ 
being a Washington bureau chief is a job 
that's nothing but that of a paper shuffler 
It’s got no power. I had virt 
rial authority. That lies in the hands of the 
producers, and 1 wish I had known that 
when I took the job. I just hated it 
because I was beating my head against the 
d of be 
I never went to Roone and his 


ly no edito- 


wall. Inst g smart, I let things 


deteriora 


people; | never had the guts to say, 


“Either you guys sold me a bill of goods 


about this job or you don't know what the 
fuck goes on at your network." 

PLAYBOY: А year into the job, the folks at 
ABC made your decision for you—and 
decided to replace you. What happened? 

BERNSTEIN: T'he “This 
isn't going to work." And I said, “I agree 


executives said, 


I want out.” 
PLAYBOY: Was it then that you suggested 
setting up a special investigative team? 
BERNSTEIN: This was still in the days when 
Arledge wanted reporting—something 
I'm not sure һе really wants anymore. So 1 


made a proposal to them, and I said, 
“Maybe 
myself, go to television school, learn how 
to parse my 
Dick Wald said, “Look, if you want to go 
on the air, go on the air. Forget this other 
stuff.” So I became an on-air correspond- 
ent. And I feel very good about what I did 
on the air at АВС 

PLAYBOY: After some troubles with World 


ГЇЇ try some stuff on the air 


sentences." And producer 


News Tonight, you ended up with Ted 
Koppel and Nightline—and doing some 
reporting overseas. How did that happen? 
BERNSTEIN: I went to Ted, who'd become 
my closest friend at ABC 
newsman on TV, and he decided to send 
me to London. 1 just knew that 1 could 
find out something about the Falk 
war—the story we'd begun to report— 
that other people couldn't 

PLAYBOY: How did you develop news 
sources in London? 

BERNSTEIN: | just went there as a reporter 
and started moving around, asking ques- 
I found this one guy in particular 
who was one of the people running the 


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PLAYBOY 


operation in the Falklands. Interestingly 
enough, he was misleading British report- 
ers, because part of the deal was for the 
Argentines to get bad information from the 
British press. But I was able to get good 
information from him. 1 got on the air vir- 
tually every night with what was really 
going on. And then we went on the air 24 
hours before everyone else with the story 
of the actual invasion. 

PLAYBOY: What do you think are the key 
ingredients to being a good reporter? 
BERNSTEIN: They're different. For example, 
Woodward is much more direct than I am. 
He'll just sit there and say, “All right, 
that’s when you took the money, right?" 
Whereas I'll spend three hours listening to 
а guy's tales, learning everything around 
the edges and trying to get all this in con- 
text, To me, the thing about reporting has 
always been to be a good listener and to 
try to understand and be empathic to the 
person you're speaking to. I always got 
along with the people I was dealing with in 
the Nixon Administration. I did not go in 
saying, “You're a crook.” I heard them out. 
PLAYBOY: Isn't the nature of reporting often 
adversarial? 

BERNSTEIN: 1 think that there is a myth 
about adversarial journalism, the idea that 
the reporter and the subject always have to 
be at loggerheads. Nonsense. You don't 
learn things by fighting right off the bat, If 
there comes a reason to fight, to be adver- 
saries, then engage. But I think a lot of 
reporters go in to a subject with questions 
that are intended not so much to elicit 
information or the truth as to engage and 
trap—and, quite often, to do a number on 
somebody. And I think that's perverse. 
PLAYBOY: Are you speaking from personal 
experience as the subject of such attacks? 
BERNSTEIN: One thing I've learned, that 
Woodward and I have learned, is that peo- 
ple are going to take some real tough shots 
at you, If you were to look, for instance, at 
the Washingtonian magazine from the time 
of Watergate to today, I doubt that you 
would find a single issue without a shot at 
either Woodward or myself. I'm better 
adjusted to it now, more used to the ebb 
and flow of criticism. It has a certain 
rhythm. But you never get used to it com- 
pletely. I'm always going to be a person 
who, when pricked, bleeds a little. 
PLAYBOY: It may surprise a lot of people to 
hear you say that you don't see yourself as 
an adversarial reporter. 

BERNSTEIN: I think that people like to tell 
the truth. I think reporters often don't give 
them the chance to tell the truth. Truth is 
not simple. People are not simple. The 
truth is complex, and reporters ought to 
recognize that. 

I don't think this is a period of Ameri- 
can journalism when reporting the best 
obtainable version of the truth is the real 
priority of our news institutions. In televi- 
sion, it's become the last priority, and I 
think that the same is true, generally, of 
newspapers—though The Washington Post 
and The New York Times are somewhat 


exceptions. But if you ask somebody at the 
New York Daily News, "What's your prior- 
ity? Whom arc you paying more money 
to—a reporting team to find out what's 
going on in this city or Liz Smith?" you'll 
find that Liz Smith is what counts. Now, I 
read gossip and enjoy it along with evei 
body else. But I think that the priorities 
are a little screwed up now—more than a 
little screwed up. 

PLAYBOY: So you've become a press critic? 
BERNSTEIN: | don't want to generalize too 
much, but I think there is a perception 
among a lot of people in public life that 
reporters often cannot get quotations 
straight and skew things out of context. 
Reporters often are in too much ofa hurry 
and they often have preconceived notions 
about stories. 

PLAYBOY: Did you have any preconceived 
notions when you started reporting Water- 
gate? 

BERNSTEIN: We had no idea what the story 
of Watergate was, And we kept disbeliev- 
ing it every step of the way. I mean, I 
couldn't believe this stuff we were getting. 
If nothing else, we thought of Richard 
Nixon as being prudent. Maybe because of 
my radical background, I bent over back- 
ward trying to think it was impossible that 
Nixon could have any connection with 
this. 

PLAYBOY: Let's go back to that time. It was 
early in the morning of June 17, 1972, 
when five men were arrested for a burglary 
at the Democratic headquarters at the 
Watergate. Bob Woodward was assigned 
to the story. How did you manage to insin- 
uate yourself into it? 

BERNSTEIN: You have to remember that 
Saturday morning is a real quiet time at 
most newspapers, particularly the Post. At 
the time, I was the chief Virginia corre- 
spondent, and I was finishing a long pro- 
file of a wonderful man named Henry 
Howell, who was running for governor 
there, I walked by the national desk, and I 
heard this talk about the break-in. So I 
went over to the city desk and said to who- 
ever was on the desk, “Do you want me to 
make some calls?” And whoever it was 
said, “Sure, go ahead and make some 
calls." Among other things, I always had a 
reputation for using the phone very well. 
PLAYBOY: What does that entail? 
BERNSTEIN: The first thing is to know 
whom to call. That's three quarters of it. 
And to get there quickly. That's the real 
trick. How to get the phone number, how 
to make sure the person comes to the 
phone, how to engage right away. It’s 
always better if you have some informa- 
tion; then you can use it to get more. 
PLAYBOY: You make it sound simple. 
BERNSTEIN: Being a reporter ain't being a 
brain surgeon. I think that the more exotic 
you make it, the farther off the mark you're 
going to get. And, indeed, the reason that 
we were able to do with Watergate what a 
lot of other people weren't is that we kept 
it real simple— basic, empirical kinds of 
police-reporting techniques. 


We talked to the people who would have 
the information. We had never covered the 
White House, so you get yourself a chart, 
and you say, "Who works here?" You see, 
oh, yes, this secretary. You look her up in 
the phone book; she lives in Rockville; you 
go to Rockville, you go at night, not when 
she's working at her office and her boss is 
going to see you talking to her. 

That's exactly why the Federal prosecu- 
tors didn't geta fucking thing the first time 
around. They interviewed people in their 
offices, with attorneys for the Nixon people 
around. The subjects were under duress. 
We got them at home. Common sense. 
Then you work your way up. 

PLAYBOY: Actually, the story goes that at 
the time you began work on Watergate, 
your job at the Post was in jeopardy. Is 
that true? 

BERNSTEIN: That's myth. The truth of the 
matter is, I was getting ready to quit. I 
was having a good time covering Virginia, 
but I was also the part-time rock critic, I 
really loved doing the rock pieces, and the 
paper had just created the Style section 
and, among other things, we were going to 
have a full-time rock critic. So I went to 
Bradlee and said, “I want to be the rock 
critic, as well as do some long, discursive 
pieces." Eventually, Bradlee said OK. 

Then there was a little bit of a palace 
revolt, which at The Washington Post hap- 
pens every three or four days. And sud- 
denly, somebody else was going to be 
editor of Style, and he had his own candi- 
date for the rock-critic job. So I was unse- 
lected, and I was truly pissed off. I said, 
“That's it; I'm out of this place, Гуе had 
enough of The Washington Post." | wanted 
to go to Vietnam, and Bradlee wouldn't 
send me, and I was feeling unappreciated. 
PLAYBOY: What did you sce as the solu- 
tion? 

BERNSTEIN: Well, 1 knew that Hunter 
Thompson was leaving Rolling Stone. 1 
knew Jann Wenner [the editor of Rolling 
Stone], so 1 wrote to him, saying, “Hey, Га 
really like to take Hunter's job." And, of 
course, Wenner being Wenner, he took for- 
ever to make up his mind about what the 
hell he was doing. In the meantime, the 
Watergate break-in happened, and 1 
stayed at The Washington Post, and that 
was the end of that. 
PLAYBOY: In other words, if Wenner had 
icker, you might have ended up as 


ity. I must say that when I finish my book, 
I am going to go back to writing some 
music pieces. You are looking at а rock-'n'- 
roll person. 

PLAYBOY: A rock-’n’-roll person who hap- 
pened to do a little police reporting on the 
side. When did you first think there was a 
White House connection to Watergate? 
BERNSTEIN: In September 1972—three 
months after the break-in—we wrote a 
story saying that John Mitchell [then 
Attorney General] controlled a secret fund 
that had financed the Watergate bugging 


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and other intelligence-gathering activities. 
Then you у had to start thinking that 
it had a much larger dimension. 

I remember standing with Woodward, 
right after we had named Mitchell. There 
had never been a story like this. An Attor- 
eneral of the United States, the high- 
est nforcement officer in the country, 
had controlled a secret fund and paid for 


odward, “You know, this guy 
[Nixon] is going to get impeached.” 

Тһе word hadn't been uttered anywhere 
up to then. Woodward looked at me i 
astonishment. “You know, you're right 
he said, “But neither of us can ever men- 
tion that word again to anybody except 
each other." At the time, it was a breath- 
taking thought. 

PLAYBOY: It’s interesting that as we speak 
іп Мау), Richard Nixon is on the cover of 
Newsweek, with the headline “нез Bact 
What do think when you see that? 
BERNSTEIN: Journalistically, I think the 
Newsweek cover was an awful piece of work 
and a piece of pulfery. It's at variance with 
the truth, both in terms of what Nixon says 
about his actions—the idea that Water- 
gate was some little bugging and miscalcu- 
lation on his part—and in terms of the 
credence the piece gives to that not 

At the same time, I think Richard 
Nixon is infinitely the most interesting 
political figure of our time. He's been 
around for 40 years, He's been a part of 
almost every major event for more than 
two generations. And part of the fascina- 
tion with him is due to his ability to come 
back from the dead—or near dead. 1 
mean, he's had his last press conference; 
he's had his Checkers speech; he damn 
near Фей after Watergate. Some say he 
was suici But he came back. Whatever 
one thinks of Richard Nixon and what he 
did in office, you've got to have some 
admiration for the way the guy comes 
back. And tle bit of awe. 

PLAYBOY: Nixon's perspective іп the 
Newsweek interview is that while he made 
some mistakes in Watergate, their magni- 
tude was overblown. How do you see it? 

BERNSTEIN: He's being disingenuous, and 
body familiar with the way Nixon has 


spoken over the years recognizes that. It 


was not small potatoes. 105 not as he 
describes it. It was not about misjudg- 
ment, It was about a series of events, 
about undermining the very system that 
the President of the United States takes an 
oath to uphold. 

PLAYBOY: Yet there is also evidence that 
алу Americans—looking back—are по 
longer as appalled by Watergate. 
BERNSTEIN: Well, one thing is that we have 
a memory of about four minutes in this 
country, and I'm not sure people remem- 
ber what really happened. It was not 
about merely planting a bug at the Water- 
gate. The term Watergate came to mean a 
pervasive abuse of the powers of the Presi- 
dency by those closest to the President, on 
an unprecedented. scale—bugging, wire 


tapping, following people, breaking into a 
psychiatrist's file, starting a private police 
force in the White House to undertake ille- 
gal activities against the opposition. 

Then, if you remember, Nixon engaged 
in a cover-up, an obstruction of justice in 
which he told his subordinates, “I don't 
give a shit what you do. Lie, stonewall, 
whatever you have to do to get past the 
grand jury." I mean, it's incredible. What 
he did was subvert his own office. 
PLAYBOY: Nixon speculates in the Newsweek 
interview that “Deep Throat"—the cele- 
brated key source for your Watergate 
stories—was actually a composite. 
BERNSTEIN: He's wrong. Deep Throat is 
one person, exactly as described in All the 
President's Men—a source in the Executive 
branch who had access to information at 
the Committee to Re-elect as well as at the 
White House. If you think that Bradlee 
would have allowed us to start working 
with composite sources with the reputa- 
tion of the paper on the line, Jesus Christ. 
Aside from which, it's nothing we would 
do. No, it’s one person. 

PLAYBOY: It seems surprising, i 
that the person has never 
identified—or stepped forward. 
BERNSTEIN: I'm not even going to shrug my 
shoulders at what you're saying. When we 
wrote All the President's Men, we went to 
all our sources and asked if we could use 
their names. Some said yes. Hugh Sloan, 
treasurer of the Nixon re-election commit- 
tee, was one, A number of others are 
named in the book. Others, including 
Deep Throat, said no. We respected that, 
PLAYBOY: Does anyone besides Woodward 
and you know Deep Throat’s identity? 
BERNSTEIN: I think Bradlee knows, but I'm 
not sure. My recollection is that Ben was 
never told who it was, but I think he's got 
some pretty educated guesses. 

PLAYBOY: What about Nora? 

BERNSTEIN: No. She used to ask me a lot, 
and I had the good sense not to tell her. 
PLAYBOY: Following Watergate—and the 
writing of All the President's Men—you 
turned immediately to The Final Days, a 
book about the last 100 days of the Nixon 
Administration. In some ways, that 
portrait—of a man coming apart, 
depressed, isolated, desperate, perhaps 
suicidal—was more devastating than the 
disclosures about Watergate itself. 
BERNSTEIN: Actually, one of the reasons 
I've always felt quite proud of the book is 
that it's got a human dimension that the 
original Watergate reporting doesn't have. 
It is not unsympathetic to Richard Nixon. 
1 think there is probably a lot more empa- 
thy in that book than in almost any other 
account you'll find of Nixon in office, 
because it’s accurate. 

When The Final Days came out, it was 
attacked by people like [columnist] Bill 
Safire, people around Henry Kissinger 
and, particularly, by some Republican 
pundits. They all got up and said, “It 
can't be true. How can you know this 
stuff? Its all based on anonymous 


a way, 
been 


sources." Well, that book has stood the 
test of time, and nobody has contradicted 
a single fact in it, really. Nobody believed 
at first that Nixon actually got down on his 
knees with Kissinger and prayed. 

It’s an amazing tale. And it taught me a 
lot about reporting—that you've got to go 
back and get to those people right away, 
before they can change their stories, before 
hindsight sets in, We got to those people 
right away. The day Nixon resigned, we 
went to work. And we did—I can't 
remember—I think it's 394 interviews, 
PLAYBOY: There were rumors around the 
time you were working on The Final Days 
that you weren't carrying your weight— 
that Woodward and another collaborator, 
Scott Armstrong, were doing most of the 
work. How true is that? 

BERNSTEIN: Early in the reporting on The 
Final Days, there wa: 
when | was not pulling my weight; I 
wasn't doing enough work. Bob rightly got 
pissed off, and we had a pretty good 
blowup about it. It was not the first time 
that it had happened. Then, а: 
seems to happen, I got the tractio 
did the best work I’ve ever done, both in 
terms of the reporting and in terms of the 
writing and editing of the book, All of The 
Final Days went through my typewriter. 
PLAYBOY: Do you have any regrets about 
the book? For example, Nixon has said 
that he believes The Final Days is what 
caused his wife, Pat, to have a stroke. 
BERNSTEIN: I'm not a doctor, and I don't 
know what happened with her stroke, 1 
would think that the ordeal Mrs, Nixon 
went through during the last few years of 
her husband's Presidency might have been 
a little worse than reading our book. 
PLAYBOY: Does that mean you don't have 
any misgivings about what you wrote? 
BERNSTEIN: | have some doubts about hav- 
ing written about the Nixons’ sex 
tionship. I'm not sure I'd do it 
reason I thought it belonged in the book at 
the time was that family has always had so 
much to do with his thinking. ‘The Nixon 
marriage seemed to me very much a part 
of the story we were telling, because it was 
not as it seemed on the surface, 

PLAYBOY: Why do you have second 
thoughts? 

BERNSTEIN: I'm not sure that we had to 
treat the readers to the fact that the Nix- 
ons hadn't slept together for a long time. I 
don't know what it added to the book or 
our understanding of what happened. 
PLAYBOY: Might your second thoughts be 
partly a result of having the details of your 
own life written about during the past sev- 
eral years? 

BERNSTEIN: No, they're not at all compara- 
ble. And your question is silly. 

PLAYBOY: Didn't you hit rock bottom in 
your own personal life in the summer of 
1983, shortly after Heartburn ne out as 
a book and you were arrested in Washing- 
ton for drunken driving? 

BERNSTEIN: My blood-alcohol level was 
above the legal limit, but the charges were 


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PLAYBOY 


eventually dropped. 
PLAYBOY: But wasn’ 


pretty well known 


that you had a drinking problem? 

BERNSTEIN: I think in the past few years, as 
1 got into my late 30s, I certainly couldn't 
handle liquor in the way I could when I 
was younger. When I drank a lot, I would 


ything.” Basically, for two years, 
I haven't been a drinker, 

PLAYBOY: What about drugs? 

BERNSTEIN: They're not for me. 

PLAYBOY: Nonetheless, after the drunk- 
driving arrest, you checked into a Wash- 
ington hospital for a period of time. 
BERNSTEIN: Four days. 

PLAYBOY: OK, What was going on? 
BERNSTEIN: | was feeling awful. I was hav- 
ing terrible headaches and feeling 
depressed and exhausted, and I said, “I'd 
better find out what the fuck is the matter 
with me." And I went in and got a CAT 
п. Ud had migraines in my 20s, and 
they were just awful. I was under such 
pressure that they were coming back. 
PLAYBOY: What was the pressure? 
BERNSTEIN: If I look at it now, I was feeling 
some real depression about Heartburn's 
ng a movie and the effect that was 
on all of us. And I think I 
ng some real guilt about the 
breakup of the marriage, and I sort of said, 
“Well, it’s time to stop feeling gu 
because whatever happened happened, 

That's the point at which I said, 
“Enough already with this shit.” In a way, 
you could say the hospital period wasn't 
my worst moment; it was a good moment. 
1 decided not to sit around feeling power- 
less about this thing; I wanted to end this 
public spectacle. 

PLAYBOY: A few months later, your соп- 
tract was up for renegotiation at ABC, and 
it wasn't renewed. Why not? 

BERNSTEIN: If stayed at ABC, I wanted a 
regular slot—the entire time I was at 
ABC, the big problem was fighting for air 
time. Also, I wanted to be in New York, so 
1 could be with my children all the time— 
neither of which АВС wanted to do. 

While I was negotiating my contract 
with ABC, Joan Didion, who was an old 
friend and with whom Pd talked about the 
book about my parents, came to Washing- 
ton, While we were sitting in the Jockey 
Club, I said to her, “There's a piece of me 
that really wants to go back to the book. 
Why don't you take а read?” I gave her the 
first 50 pages. She called me the next 
morning and “You've got to finish 
the book now.” Clea it’s what I really 
wanted to do. It was just a question of get- 
ting the guts to do it. 
PLAYBOY: The book is about growing up in 
а left-wing family in Washington, right? 
BERNSTEIN: Yes. I think that what hap- 
pened during the first witch-hunts of the 
Cold War, during the Truman Adminis- 
tration and during the McCarthy period, 
was, in a way, the last undisturbed corner 
in a national nightmare. There is no com- 


prehension today of what happened to the 
country or to people like my parents. 
PLAYBOY: It’s interesting that, having 
grown up in such a politically active fam- 
ily, you don’t seem to be very political. 
BERNSTEIN: I’m not. The reason Um a 
reporter is the experience of my childhood. 
As a child, I was around a lot of people 
who were true believers, religionists about 
political and ideological causes, and it 
scared the hell out of me. 

Lam uncomfortable around ideologues, 
particularly on the left. At the same time, 1 
generally respect the values of those on the 
left a lot more. I do believe things about 
what governments ought to do and how 
they ought to care for people and about 
how income ought to be distributed, to 
some extent. 

PLAYBOY: And yet you've benefited hand- 
somely from a capitalist economy— 
earning a lot and spending a lot. 
BERNSTEIN: I’m a bourgeois person and I 
live in a bourgeois society, and 1 rather 
enjoy this society. I believe in a free- 
market economy. That doesn't mean 1 
wouldn't like to see some changes in it. I 
wasn't born in poverty. l'm not a Marxist. 
I'm a reporter. 

PLAYBOY: But you were a rich reporter. 
Among other things, it’s been estimated 
that, between All the President's Men, the 
book and the movie, and The Final Days, 
you earned upwards of $3,000,000. What 
happened t 
BERNSTEIN: It got spent. First of all, Nora 
and I went through amazing amounts of 
money. We bought a house. We traveled a 
lot. Both of us are way up there as major 
spenders, particularly when we were 
together. And I’m not very prudent about 
money. I don't invest it wisely. I don't pay 
much attention to it. I never set out to 
make a lot of money, and it's never been a 
guiding force in my life. I've always sort of 
lived off what I had, or a little bit above 
my means, perhaps. 

PLAYBOY: At one point in our preparation 
for this interview, you suggested we read 
the description of you in David Halber- 
stam's book The Powers That Be. He says a 
lot of good things about you. But he also 
quotes Dustin Hoffman as saying, “Carl is 
essentially a fuck-up and he has to fail, 
and Nixon is a fuck-up and has to fail, and 
so Carl could always understand Nixon.” 
How do you react to that? 

BERNSTEIN: Oh, I think that's Dustin look- 
ing for a good quote to give Halberstam. 
That's the craziest line Гуе ever heard, 
PLAYBOY: Halberstam also quotes your old 
boss Ben Bradlee as calling you a “winner 
determined to be a loser.” 

BERNSTEIN: I think the work speaks for 
itself, and I'm not going to quarrel with 
anybody and I’m not going to contradict 
anybody and I'm not going to make any 
assertions about myself. That doesn’t 
require any great explanation. Do I 
believe that about myself? Obviously not. 
PLAYBOY: Well, then, to what extent do you 
have self-destructive tendencies? 


BERNSTEIN: I know Гуе always been a per- 
son who pushes things, who lives on the 
edge. I'm aware that there are lots of risks 
in life, and I take some of them. Sometimes 
8 paid off; other times, it's caused some 
hurt. If you'd characterize those instances 
as self-destructive—it’s not a word I 
would use—I'd understand it. 

But in terms of being suicidal or a 
thing like that, hell, no. I'm a 
vor. 1 think there have been period: 
life, particularly when 1 was younger, 
when I was capable of great self-de« 
about some of my weaknesses. As I get 
older, the scales fall away from my eyes, 
and I'm forced to confront certain things. I 
don't think I have much ofa talent for self- 
deception anymore. 

PLAYBOY: Do you believe your toughest 
times are behind you? 

BERNSTEIN: Things have sort of smoothed 
out. You get to 40, and there's something 
very calming and reassuring, 1 love my life 
since I turned 40. In fact, I was thinking 
about it this morning. 

I've never been a great morning person, 
but I was up early this morning because I 
took Jacob to school, and I was walking 
down Broadway. Somehow, it reminded 
me of how I used to go to work when I was 
a kid, when I started as a copy boy. I went 
to work when I was 16 years old and really 
learned the business in a way that nobody 
learns it anymore, Jack Kennedy had just 
become President and I went to all his 
press conferences because | was a copy 
boy, and I would run back and mimeo- 
graph the text. I took dictation from David 
Broder about Kennedy's being shot and 
misspelled hospital because my hands 
were shaking so badly. And then came the 
civil rights movement, which I covered, 
and the antiwar movement and the coun- 
tereulture. And then came Waterga 
which is the most extraordinary experi- 
ence in journalism that anybody has ever 
had in this country. 

And now, to bring it all together and 
create something that's a synthesis of those 
experiences, as well as what you learn 
from being a father and what you learn 
from being a husband, is a pretty good 
place to be at. 

PLAYBOY: It sounds pretty good. But with- 
out raining on your parade, is it possible 
that some of this is a rationalization—your 
way of putting a good face even on some 
very difficult times? 

BERNSTEIN: Clearly, the period I’ve just 
come out of has been one of great upheav- 
al. But I wouldn't trade places with any- 
one. I feel terrific for having come out of 
this with my head screwed on, with great 
ака, wonderful children anc 


consequences of what 1 do on a scale. 
not calculating. I go by my instin 
a certain way, and I've come to re: 
that I can't live my life to meet other peo- 
ple's wishes and expectations. 


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nowadays, going 

out to a movie 
means staying in 
By KEVIN COOK 


HE TROUBLE with going out 
n dates is, you shave, put 
on a clean sweater, pick 


up your date and run into 
what? Old girlfriends. 

The old-fashioned night on 
the town has been replaced 
Dating hordes now spend date 
nights cocooned in front of the 
chrome icon, Sony the All 
Seeing 

As social phenomena go. 
Video Saturday Night has 
nothing on William “The 
Refrigerator” Perry or even 
Madonna, but it's far bigger 
than the light-wine boom 

There are more than 
20,000,000 VCRs in America 
lined up end to end, they would 
stretch from Chinatown to Gal. 
lipoli. They're selling at a rate 
of 1,000,000 a month. One in 
every three households in the 
U.S. has a VCR, and it is 
believed that mot one of those 
households has Jujubes stuck 
to the floor 
thought the sexual revolution 


And some people 


was hot stuff. At this instant, on 
VCRs from coast to coast, Mel 
boffing Diane 
Keaton 10,000 times. 

No wonder 
Diane's 


Gibson is 


cheeks are red 

What is all this doing to our 
dating habits? To find the 
with experts 


answers, 1 
in the field 

Dr. Joyce Brothers has two 
VCRs. 
picture of her on a couch with a 
VER, counseling it. Dr. Broth 
of the first to pre 


spol 


In her office, there's a 


ers was ог 
dict the video boom, and she 
thinks that dating 
enhances a couple's romantic 
opportunities 

"For becoming intimate, the 
steps are easier,” she says. “It's 


video 


harder to get your girl from a 
movie theater into bed than 
simply to move into the next 
front of the 


room or lie dowh i 
ТУ. But there are no short cuts 
to intimacy. You still have to 
about the other 
and know that person 
about as much satisfaction as a 
sneeze 
Realistically 
people need short cuts to inti- 
macy, Brothers admits to 
knowing of one. “For newly 
dating couples,” she says, “the 
The 
physiology of arousal is such 
that when you are fright 
it's the same arousal as when 


care 


pers 


or sex is 


though, some 


best bet is a horror film. 


ned, 


you are sexually excited. One 
spills over easily into the other 
So try those fright 

films. 


And if you'd like to double 

down, becoming aroused while 

watching Dr. J. in a fright film, 

try Embryo, in which she cameos 
For tips on hosting the video 

date, I turned 

to Jim L 


legendary т.с 


ange, 


coming 


video is due to the fact that 
most of us don't have the nerve 
masturbate in public,” 
Waters, films feature 
masturbation, inc cannibal- 
ism, chicken 
fucking ала 
coprophagy 


says 
whose 


of The Dating (eating poop). 
Game. The vid- “Ies good 
co date is soon to a news. This is 
wonderful date, livi the first time 
ving 
a great way I've gotten a 
o spend a big hunk c 
ей" says room NOS 
Lange, whose near you more people 


preferred video 
night features 
an intriguing 
double bill, To Kill a Mocking 
bird and Repo Man 

Lange doesn't consider him- 
self an datin 
though to an entire TV gene 
tion, he's something of a dating 
god 


authority on 


Jaring about your guest, a 
genuine caring—t 
important,” һе says. “The best 
dating the 
advice I'd give on being a good 
host 
at all times. 


at's what's 


advice is same 


and that is to be yourself 
For the film maker's perspec- 
1 spoke with John Waters, 
director of the cult perennial 
Pink Flamingos and other box- 


tive 


office gross-outs. 


The entire success of home 


stop me on the 
street now. The 
garbage man, 
And that's who I'm 
really honored to reach 
At home, Waters entertains 
his Russ 
Meyer films, the documentary 
Manson and tapes of The Colle- 
bizarre talent contest 
TV 
about 25 years ago. The Colle- 
шап» stars a child contortionist 
and a girl gargantuan 
thighs doing interpretive dance 
to the Pink Panther theme. He 
says that ndwiches 
аге the perfect snack for a John 
Waters video date 

Beginning couples may also 
benefit from the following help- 
ful hints, developed with the 
input of the experts and con- 


for one. 


video dates with 


gians, а 


that ran on Baltimore 


with 


baloney s; 


ILLUSTRATIONS BY JOHN HERSEY 


P 
£ 
Y 
7 
Pd 


siderable trial and error on my 
part 

1. Be kind—unwind 

Your date doesn't want Cujo 
sprung on her the moment she 
flips off her shoes. Treat her like 
a lady. Hold the refrige 
door for her. Inside, have two 
glasses of chilled champagne 
Ifyou 
spill some champagne, let her 
step across your jacket to the 
living room. ‘Tell her she looks 
as radiant as the pixels in your 
new Trinitron 

2. Match the 


ator 


nd two frozen Snickers 


movie to the 


mood. 
There аге more kinds of 
women than whiskers on the 


cast оГ Quest for Fire, but none 
of them will want your epiderm 
if you show Faces of Death, 
Rock-Hard Сау Waiters or 
Greatest Sports Legends, In gen- 
eral, avoid evisceration, sports 


legends and rock-hard gay 
waiters, Any kind of hard-core 
porn, in fact, is probably a bad 
idea, though it's worth consid- 


ering if your date we 
blue eye shadow 
Soft-core dramas 
Swept Away and Last Tango 
in Paris, оп the other hand, 
virtually guarantee audience 
participation. Totali 


such аз 


arian dra- 


ma is also worth a try. If your 
date has just seen Midnight 
Express and 1984, she is 


probably so glad to live in a 
democracy that she'll want to 
pursue happiness immediately 

3. Le menu 

Video dating requires gusta- 
tory creativity 

Pizza may be the 
conception of Italian food, but 
it's perfect for Fellini. Mix and 


bowler's 


match, but stay thematic. Try 
Dracula with a garlic pizza 
Jaws with anchovies, Popeye 


with spinach, Gandhi with noth- 
ing at all. Pizza and a bowling 
ball go well with Bring Me the 
Head of Alfredo Garcia 

More substantial fare, such 
as The Godfather, calls for a 
more substantial meal—vino, 
Marsala, can 
maybe a 


mostaccioli, v 
noli, 
spritz of holy water 

Are you 
Then try these video helpers, 
courtesy of the National Filmic 
Nutrition Institute 

Greens and Tang for The 
Brother from Another Planet, 
subs for Das Boot, Rice Krispies 
for Hiroshima, Mon Amour 
eggplant for Invasion of the 
Body Snatchers, Butterfingers 
for Last Tango in Paris, maca- 
roni for Macaroni, upside-down 
cake for The Poseidon Adven 
ture, Dongs for The 
Postman Always Rings 
sushi for Splash and Seres 


cappuccino, 


inexperienced? 


Ding 


Yellow Zonkers! for Tora! Tora! 
Tora! 

Do not serve eggs with Cool 
Hand Luke 

4. Furniture placement and 
you. 

Your VCR should sit at eye 
level and dominate the room 

Put away your chairs; sc 
pillows on the floor. Put all the 


ter 


14444. ^. 
444444 


get off on pictures. As the Span- 
ish say, ¡Ha! If women are less 
responsive than men to visual 
stimuli, explain the careers of 
Georgia O'Keeffe and Mel 
Gibson. 

Women are, however, com 
parison makers, and this can 
lead to trouble. Brothers says 
that when there's an attractive 


THE ALL-TIME BEST 


COUPLES 


The Thin Man 
Casablanca 
Tom Jones 
Betrayal 
Shampoo 


rest of your furniture out in the 
street. The home 
no VCRs, 
to put 
remember—no 
the manufacturer 
ing a 
gauche. It indicates to your 
date that you get your home- 
furnishings ideas from Wheel of 
Fortune. 


ss, who have 
should at least get 
And 
what 


their feet up. 
matter 
says—own- 


love seat is brutally 


It is said that women don't 


! ӘУДЕӘ 


Bonnie and Clyde 
Body Heat 
Rear Window 
Robin and Marian 
Risky Business 


person of your sex on the video 
screen, your date sees you as 


even less attractive than you 


аге, if possible, The solution? 
Try showing something star- 
ring women and 
evolutionary missing links—a 
category that includes almost 
all porn films, as well as 1972's 
Elvis on Tour 

6. Judging a tape by its box 

The intelligent consumer can 


beautiful 


tell a lot about a tape by its 


like theater popcorn, you'll look for 


the ushers 


Jolly Time Jolly, maybe, but not a 
hoot 


Oooo 
Orville 


Redenbacher's 


cover. For example, if Kitten 
Natividad—she plays the lead 
in Bodacious Ta Ta's—has top 
billing, the consumer 
that he'll need a wide-screen 
monitor. If the box bears a title 
such as All-Male Burlesque 
Revue, he knows he shouldn't 
touch it if he has any open sores 
on his hands. If the box has a 
picture of Robby Benson on it, 
he knows that the film has not 
been rented by anyone else. If 
the box is all slimy and smells 
like hue 
a latrin 
Sorry 


knows 


red in 
it's a Stallone picture. 


os rancheros st 


it’s out 
7. Video rules 

What's the point in arguing 
revolution? If 
a VCR now, 
you will by Christmas, so you 


with a lifestyle 
you don't have 


may as well go out and get one 
today, The Movie С 
now features special program- 


ипе! 


ing for VCR owners to tape, so 
that the next time they watch 
the tube, 
VCR instead of The 
Channel, On video, 
still young, Rocky 
at this moment, Mel 
Gibson, Warren Beatty and 
Woody Allen are all in bed with 
Diane Keaton. Video reigns; 
that's all 


they can watch the 
Movie 
Brando is 
is not yet 


h and 


Orville 


Nature's Finest A-maize-ing DOGO 
Newman's Own The kernel Qaddafi 


Pathmark Great for marking paths, 
not so hot for eating oo 
Pillsbury These kernels take com- 
mand ооо 
Pop Secret А top popper QO O 
ТУ Time If this were а series, 


Act 1 Good thing it's only one act (7 2 
Deli Express Express this one to New 
Delhi [27 
Nature's Finest Аз согпу as Kansas in 
August рооо 
Newman's Own Better than his 
buttered—but not explosive OO 
Orville Redenbacher's (frozen) More 
corn pone from the man in the bow 
tie 


ор 
Orville Redenbacher's They cut off 
an ear for these kernels? о 
Pillsbury (the original) Pilis- 
bury does it better ooo 
Pop Secret Betty Crocker stirs up 
another winner ооо 


cracked this corn, and we don't 
care 
Pillsbury Salt Free (frozen) Take this 


with a grain of 
sooo 


Z | 


THE ALL-TIME BEST 


when а 
man's gotta 
view what a 
man's gotta view 
By JAMES R. PETERSEN 


the kind of movie you 


Guys movies. You know what they аге 
scoop up in a six-pack from the local video store for those 
long weekends when your lover is away. The kind of movie 


at keeps you awake long after Letterman has signed off. The 
kind of movie Woody Allen will never make. The kind of 
movie not likely to have subtitles. Guys’ movies are filled with 
neat moves and great lines. They are movies about authority 
about brothers and buddies, about knives, fists, guns, high 
explosives, noise, They are visceral. They are filmed in 
Testostachrome, These are movies you can trust, because 
they star guys you can trust 
If a movie has Sean Connery, Humphrey Bogart, Clint 
Eastwood, Robert Mitchum, Steve McQueen, Charles Bron 
son, Robert Duvall, Nick Nolte, Chuck Norris, Bruce Lec 
Sylvester Stallone, Roy Scheider 
Burt Reynolds, it’s a guy's movie 
If it stars Alan Alda, it’s not. 1 
Zulu. A movie that c 
b training. Michael Caine and 
Stanley Baker hold off 


nes on-the 


members of 
an emerging African 
nation at Rorke's 
Dnft 2. The Mon 
Who Would Be King 


s Scan Connery and 
Michael Caine 
omrades and con 


men—head off to 
Kafiristan tọ be 
kings. Male bond 


ing—as oppe 


James Bonding—at its 
best. 2. Thief. A caper 
movie. James Caan is a 
master safe-cracker with 
a code that will burn 
through cold steel. From 
the man who brought you 

Miami Vice. 4. Blue Collar. 

Richard Pryor, Harvey Kei 

tel and Yaphet Kotto play 

three bulls in a union shop. 

The scene in which Kotto 

) 4 spends the night in his friend's 

yard with a baseball bat, ready to 
greet the goon squad, defines 
stand-up. 5. North Dallas Forty 
You'll notice that this is the only 


sports movie on this list. That's 


because it's not about winning. It's 
about playing with pain and walking 
(concluded on page 70) 


from the game 


= Me? А 


THE ALL-TIME BES 


N РЗ 


> ча WI. при Vi 


ап insider's 
guide to what 
makes girls go 


gooey 
By ANNE BEATTS 


nit MOVIE that really hits my тлу button is The Naked Jungle 
1954), with Charlton Heston and Eleanor Parker. It’s a 
steamy saga of man vs. nature in the Amazon jungle, featur 
ting ants 
The best part comes after the ants have chewed at least one 
fat character actor to death: Chuck and Eleanor have a little 
tiff, Eleanor slaps him; Chuck sweeps Eleanor into his arms 
and kisses her, bendi 
snaps. Whereupon we tactfully cut to the river overflowing its 
banks 

Nothing beats Fifties movies for symbolism. As a result, for 


ing a heroic struggle to save the farm from mar 


her so far backward, her neck almost 


a long time, sex, in my mind, was synonymous with natural 
disasters. It was a great disappointment to me to learn that 
you could be kissed without having your entire body bent 
back and that it didn’t always immediately start up a flood or 
an earthquake. It was an even greater disappointment to dis. 
cover that The Naked Jungle is not yet available on cassette 
In the meantime, I'll have to get my rocks off with the fol 


ment, user tested by our 


lowing selection of fine enterta 
panel of blue-ribbon judges; namely, all my girlfriends who 
were up for free guacamole and pitchers of margaritas, 1. 
Gone with the Wind. Nobody doesn't like Gone with the Wind. 
It's the Sara Lee cheesecake of movie selections. Something 


about the moment when Rhett carries Scarlett up that long. 
long flight of steps scems to release every girl's pheromones 
2. To Have and Have Not. OK, OK, Casablanca was the 
beginning of a beautiful fric ndship, but this is the hot one, the 
one where Bogey and 
Baby first locked 
eyes—and lips 
once Bogart 
finally figured 
them together p 
and blow. 3. - 
Wuthering y 

Heights. 

When Heath 
cliff paws pretty 


> AD 


pale-skinned 
Cathy, it’s easy to 
see why Merle 
Oberon bit Lau 
rence Olivier's lip 
during rehearsal. 4. 
National Velvet. Any 


man who'll watch this 


one with a woman 
and then make soft 
whinnying sounds in her 

car afterward has got it 
made. 5. North by Northwest. Eva 
Marie Saint 


— 


; 


(concluded оп page 70) 4 


Еке, 7158 а Geen Fr: _ 


answering-machine 
with the theme from Dial M 
for Murder. "Tape the hit songs 
of Twisted Sister and use them 


message 


to scare birds out of your ve 
table garden. Rent a copy of 
Behind the Green Door and edit 
it into the video of your sister's 
wedding reception. Have you 
done wrong? 

Let's look at this from a legal 
point of view. The 
violated Fed 
Title 


answer is 


yes. You've 
copyright legislation 
of the United 


Betamax case 


there are 
1984 
the Supreme Court ruled that 


loop 
famed 


home copying, at least of televi 


sion broadcasts, is an “author 


copyright.” And 


ok, you’ve 


figured out how 


to do it. but the moral 
question is a little trickier 


By P. J. O'ROURKE 


Associate Justice John Paul 
Stevens 
Nine's majority opinion 


who wrote the Big 
con 
cluded that recording that isn't 
authorized by the owners of 
copyrights may still be legal 


As long 


enjoyment 


as it is done for home 
and isn't for com- 
mercial unauthor 


ized 


purposes 
recording falls within a 


to the 


copyright law 
One 


aspect of fair use is 
opyright infringement 
something is 


roses of crit 


reproduced for pu 


icism, news reporting, scholar- 


ship or education. How much 


use is fair use? The rule of 
thumb is “enough to get your 


point across.” If you copy 


Emmanuelle go dn 


THE ETHICS OF VIDEO 


Weeks and The Story 


Paris, 9 
of O—be 


enough of th 


sure to 


copy 


m to, as it were 


get your point across i're 
legally home free. And thesc 
movies are educational. My 


[friend 
п from 9 

walked out on it 
But let's not look at this from 


got such an educa 


Weeks that she 


a legal point of view. Legal and 
ethical have the same relation 
ship as stupid and pretty 


Sometimes it seems as if they go 
t 


Ethics can be illegal, as my 


gether, but they really don't 


] out to me 


draft board point 
And 

unethical, the way they were in 
Nazi Ger 


parallel. between slaughtering 


іп 1969. laws can be 


папу. (Drawing а 


innocent millions and making 
of Dumbo is, inci 


an example of the 


pirate tape 
dentally 
laws 


unethical azine 


writing.) An e man 
doesn't abide by the law when 
there is a compelling moral rea 
son to do otherwise, I'm sure 
there is a compelling moral rca- 


ally dubbir 


movie in which Debra Winger 


son for ille every 
has appeared. I just can't think 
of it right now 

Whether it’s all right to copy 
movies or Donkey Kony 


software for your own pleasure 


music 


is actually a question about the 
What 


ethics of entertainment 


doing when 


And what do we 


are people 
entertain us? 


owe them? 
Entertaining is done for the 
I looked in 


the dictionary to make sure 1 


sake of amusement 


knew what I was talking about 
I didn't. Га 
that amuse had its root in the 
Muses—Calliope, 
Thalia and the rest of the girls 


always thought 
Terpsichore 


You can count on the Muses f 


quality material. But, accord 
ing to Webster's New Interna 
tional Dictionary, Second 


Edition, amuse comes from the 


Old French verb amuser, mean 


ing “to cause to waste time 
which comes from muser 
meaning “to idle or loiter, to 


gape or stare,” from the Latin 


musus, “snout or mouth of an 
animal." Thi 


ment in a new light. Don John- 


puts entertain: 


son doesn’t know how to shave 
Madonna 


girdle on the wrong side of her 


wears her panty 


dress, Cher dyes her face 
and we stand around and make 
like pig noses 
argument 


The principal 


s that it 


against home copying 
deprives performers of income 


that is rightfully theirs, that 


theft of services, But 
Robert Red 


dubbing i 


nicomatose 


ford playing hide the Oscar 
with Meryl Streep—that's a 
service? And what about a 
Chevy Chase movie? He 


appears on the sereen and puts 


a finger up his nose. He loses 


his pants and tennis racket 


шал Es 


says something stupid and falls 
down. Isn't it enough that we 
don't kill him? Do we have to 
give him money, too? 

Like the wandering minstrels 
and village idiots of yore, enter- 
tainers should be satisfied with 
our applause and an occasional 
free dinner. If they think they 
deserve more, they ought to 
pass the hat. Frank Sinatra can 
come to your house when you 
play one of his albums, and you 

an put a dollar in his toupee 

Still, copyright is an impor- 
tant moral principle, even if 
entertainers don't. deserve to 
have important moral princi- 
ples applied to them. It's wrong 
to duplicate tapes in your base- 
ment and sell them. That turns 
you into a thief. It also puts you 
in competition with movie and 
record producers. In effect, it 
makes you one of them. We all 
know what kind of people they 
are. You don't want to be а 
thief and a double-divorced, 
drug-slathered slime pouch 

But that’s not what we're 
talking about when we talk 
about home copying. Mozart 
did not die broke because 
somebody whistled arias from 
The Magic Flute while walking 
through the streets of 18th Cen- 


tury Vienna. To pay a per- 
former every time his or her 
routines are privately copied or 
repeated beggars reason. The 
human (concluded on page 155) 


GUY S MOVIES ooi 


"The opening scene, with Nick Nolte getting out of bed, or try- 
to, is worth the cost of the rental. 6. The Magnificent 
Seven. James Coburn's underhand knife toss: Need we say 
more? This movie even works іп Japanese, as the Seven Samu- 
rai, because guys are the same all over the world. 7. Apoca- 
lypse Now. nly difference between men and boys is the 
sound of their toys. This movie is loud. It also deals with a 
guys’ subject — Vietnam—in a way no other movie has dared. 
8. The Right Stuff. A high-tech version of The Magnificent 
Seven, this film is also loud. You get to ride іп an X-1. You get 
to ride in the Mercury capsule. The only movie that comes 
close in capturing this spirit is Das Boot, another story about 
guys in а can. 9. The Long Riders. It has brothers. It has 
gunplay. It has fashion sense, It shows what the phrase high, 
wide and handsome really means. 10. The Wild Bunch. Our 
t with grownups. Sam Peckinpah took a guys’ 
»i—violence—and a nonguys’ concept—choreogra- 
phy—and put the two together for the best Western you can 
rent, 11. Scarface. The Al Pacino version, of course, because 
it captures conspicuous consumption as the American dream. 
You have to watch this movie five or six times to really get ой 
on it. Memorize the “Say good night to the bad guy" mono- 
log and entertain crowds at fine restaurants. 12. The Long 
Good Friday. Bob Hoskins is the believable tough guy 
rehabbing the London waterfront. Hanging his associates 
upside down in the abattoir is one highlight. Helen Mirren as 
his side-kick is the other. 13. The Godfather. Brothers, blood- 
shed, loyalty, the shouldering of responsibility: When Jerry 
Falwell talks about family values, how many of you think of 
this family? 14. The Longest Yard. “Do we get to hurt the 
guards?" is still a classic line, Take Burt Reynolds out of a car 
and he can act. This movie is tough and calls on the ancient 
guy tradition of standing up to The Man, 15, Cool Hand 
Luke, The other great prison-farm movie, but the boiled egg 
replaces the football as the symbol of tough-guy resistance. 
16. High Noon. Gary Cooper was the original one-man army, 
but he had to do it the hard way, without be utilus 
machines, automatic weapons or mart 17. Dirty 
Harry. Clint Eastwood's almost glacial sense of justice, his 
trend-setting speech about the 44 Magnum and one of the 
twitchiest, sleaziest madmen in the history of movies make 
this one of Clint’s best. 18. Any Chuck Norris movie. 
Although the karate ones are great, we lean toward Code of 
Silence. There aren't many classic lines in Norris’ films, but 
“If I want your opinion, ІІ beat it out of you" comes close. 
19. Enter the Dragon/Return of the Dragon. Bruce Lee had 
moves, if not longevity. 20. Jaws, There are guys who teach 
her guys how to be guys. Robert Shaw leads Roy Scheider 
d Richard Dreyfuss into manhood. When Shaw tells the 
spellbinding saga of the sinking of the 0.5.5, Indianapolis, 
it’s a model of masculine storytelling and the opposite of the 
Kaffeeklatsch. 21. The Last Detail. Jack Nicholson is our kind 
of guy. If you can't rent this story of the shore patrol initiating 
Randy Quaid into life, rent One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nes. 
22. Blade Runner. We're sorry, but Indiana Jones is for kids. 
In Blade Runner, Harrison Ford plays an adult їп а grown-up 
world. You try drinking vodka with a split lip. 23. The Road 
Warrior. lt has everything: great visuals, car chases, weapons, 
eccentric characters, a solid hero. We can't wait for IV. 2 
ichard Pryor Live. You wish you could be this bad. You wish 
you could be this good. 25. Insatiable. You wish, period. 


, 
G A L 6 MOVIES (continued from page 67) 


demonstrates the finer points of train travel, including how to 
tip the dining-car attendant five dollars to seat Cary Grant at 
your table. The resulting téte-à-téte steams up the windows of 
the entire Twentieth Century Limited. 1 may never fly again. 
6. Top Hat. Fred and Ginger have something even better than 
sex—they ve got rhythm. 7. Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. Nobody 
wears a slip like Liz Taylor or handles a crutch like Paul New- 
тап, It's Tennessee Williams at his best—and most hetero- 


into 


ET ET ET EEE E AT AID LL EEF LL EEE LEE ARA 


sexual. With the aid of a few mint juleps and some Fifties 
ingerie, you might have yourselves quite a heterosexual eve- 
ning. Crutches are optional. 8. King Creole. Elvis in a good 
Zurtiz gets more out of him than 
any body else—except, possibly, Priscilla. 9. On the Water- 
front. Who cares if Marlon Brando's wearing a little too much 
eye make-up? He's a contender, 10. Rebel Without a Cause. 
The ultimate teen flick. John Hughes should be put on deten- 
tion and forced to watch this every Saturday morning for the 
rest of his life. 11. Splendor in the Grass. Most of the movie is 
devoted to Warren Beatty's efforts to get into Natalie Wood's 
pants. The strain of saying no finally drives Natalie crazy, 
and she bobs her hair, puts on a red dress (a sure sign of trou- 
ble) and winds up in a mental institution. Maybe that’s 
why so many girls have been afraid to say no to Warren ever 
12. Breathless. The origi with Jean-Paul Belmondo 
and Jean Seberg. Many women my age switched to Gauloises 
after seeing this film. 13. Goldfinger. The name is Bond, 
James Bond. Make sure the tape is fully rewound, so you 
don't Shirley Bassey's unforgettable rendition of the t; 
song, over graphics that may remind you why they were 
called the Swinging Sixties. 14. The Thomas Crown Affair. 
Chess as Steve McQueen and Faye Dunaway play it is sexy 
enough to replace wrestling on late-night TV. 15. Butch 
Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. The only movie in which 
Robert Redford acts as though he’s about to rape somebody. 
Ordering her to undress at gunpoint is just one of the little 
games this kinky hero of the old West likes to play with the 
town schoolmarm. Lucky girl. 16. The Beguiled, Boy, is this 
one weird. Clint Eastwood is a Yankee soldier trapped behind 
enemy a Southern girls’ school during the Civil War. 
i es quite a stir among the belles and succeeds in 
rin f them before Geraldine Page decides to cut 
off his leg. С his leg? I told you it was weird. 17. Coming 
Home. Why do you think they called it that? The love scene 
betw ht and Jane Fonda should be required view- 
ing for every red-blooded American male, It proves once and 
for all that you don't need a gun to have fun. 18. Don't Look 
Now. Julie Chris! nd Donald Sutherland look like they're 
really doing it. Some say they were, Which explains the title; 
It’s what Julie said when she saw the rushes. 19. An Officer 
end a Gentleman. When it co to sex, Debra Winger is 
top of her subject. And when Richard Gere arrives to re 
her from that smelly old paper mill and take her up where she 
belongs, i Cinderella finish that's better than Disney. 20. 
The Hunger. David Bowie d Catherine Deneuve play 
upwardly mobile vampires. The opening is hot, very hot. 
After that, it gets nasty— Bowie ages ! 200 years at a clip and 
turns into а toadstool. 21. Reckless. » Quinn has discov- 
ered one of the secrets of on-screen sexuality: He kisses with 
his mouth open. His detractors have accused him of being an 
imitation Brando, McQueen and Dean. I say, what could be 
bad? 22. Footloose. Rumor has it that Kevin Bacon's pre- 
screen-test haircut for this role cost upwards of 1000 
smackers; studio executives had complained that he wasn't, 
and I quote from a reliable source, "fuckable" enough. If so, 
the haircut was worth every pei 23. Cal. The ultimate 
younger-man/older-woman movie. John Lynch, as Cal, 
doesn't mean to turn Helen Mirren's husband into a human 
vegetable. Nor does he mean to go to bed with her afterward 
He just can't help it, and neither can she. It's that kind of 
movie. 24. Thief of Hearts. What if somebody made all your 
secret fantasies come true? That's exactly what Steven Bauer 
does for Barbara Williams. Only problem is, he's also the 
crook who burglarized her bedroom and stole her diaries. 
Since I saw this, I've been leaving my bedroom window open 
nights. 25. The Year of Living Dangerously. Sigourney Weaver 
and Mel (sigh!) Gibson live it up dangerously amid tropical 
cloudbursts, roadblocks bristling with Uzis, bloodthirsty 
mobs and clangy, atonal music. When Mel starts batting his 
n't matter that he loses one of them by the 
Any woman who says she wouldn't change 
places with Sigourney should have her eyes examined. 


е 


“We grow our own food, we make our own clothes and we even built 
our own house! Come оп in; you're just in time for lunch!" 


71 


you've seen the cubs’ beautiful ball girl, marla collins, 
in the friendly confines of wrigley field. here’s more of her—unconfined 


BELLE ## BALL CLUB 


meaco cons, Wrigley Field. Ivy-covered walls. Real 
Daytime games. No 
ated scoreboard. Baseball at its tra- 
This is the Eighties, after all, 
and Chicago's boys of summer, North Side branch, have 


turf, Neighborhood baseball 
lights. Hand-c 
ditional best—almost 


\ 
joined by a woman in uniform. Number 86 on your Cubs roster 
Мапа Collins. When the newspapermen of the Tribune Com- 
pany bought the Cubs from the chewing-gum family, they 
started looking for press—and found it in Marla, a model and 


beer concession at 
League White Sox 
atural for the 


real-life baseball fanatic. Marla was working 
Comiskey Park, home of Chicago's America 


when Cubs management spotted her as a 
position of ball girl. In 1982, Marla donned 
uniform and history was made: She beeame the first Nati 
League female in uniform. ? 
between pitches 


bbreviated € 


ch 
y being in 


ow there is truly something to wa 
ntertainment val 
shorts on the field, and I can't say that if I weighed 300 pounds it 
would be quite the same thing,” she admits. “But there's a 


“There is 


Chicago Cubs ball girl Marla Collins may not make it to baseball's Hall of Fame, but she has a place in ours. Above, she checks out one Red Bird's 
stance as swinging Vince Coleman waits in the wings. After six innings of playing ball, Marla (right) prefers to sit during the seventh-inning stretch. 


being there, too 
u upplied 
h unmarked balls." Asked 
h s 
ken ba 
interes layers from 
эзип ams—Marla smile 
discreetly. She h s all three 
very well, thank you. Because 
Cubs games are carried on 
cable via superstation WGN- 
TV, Marla gets national expo 
sure nd n ma from 
over the country. She 


one of the few people, aside 


from The Cosby Show's Phylicia 
Rashad, to have had her en- 
gagement announced on na 
tional TV. “Cubs announcer 
Harry Caray was the first per 
оп to spot my eng 
ring," Marla says. “Не put me 
on his Tenth Inning shc 

1, “АП right, show Amer 
that ring of yours! That's ho: 
my mother found out 1 was en 
gaged,” Her fiancé is a real 
estate developer whom she met 
while doing publicity work for 
the Cubs. If Marla were 
together a dream team 
pick players more f 
personalities than for the 
ting averages or fielding 
niq She likes "wild and 
crazy guys." Her roster in 
cludes Leon Durham, George 
Brett, Keith Moreland, Richie 
Hebner, Mario Soto, ( 
Frazier, Cesar Cedeno, Jack 
Clark, Jody Davis and, as man 
ager, Tommy Lasorda. As for 
our dream team, Marla is at the 
top of the list, because Marla 
naturally—bats 1.000. 


At top left, Marla stands at atten. 
tion for the national anthem with 
the day's home-plate ump. She's 
the only ball girl in the league who 
works directly with umpires; others 
work the foul-ball lines. That's Leon 
Durham, a member of her dream 
team, with Marla at top right 
Announcer Harry Caray, says 
Marla, “likes pretty young things 

he proves it at center left, Terry 
Pendleton, at center right, wants 
to get to first base ond asks Marla 
how to go about it. Like the play- 
ers, Marlo's asked for autographs; 
at far left, she signs along with 
shortstop Shawon Dunston. At 
game's end, she leaves Wrigley 
(near left) and goes home to put 
on something comfortable (right), 


I'm pretty much like a lot of girls. My main things оге jewelry, furs ond cors,” says Marla. She laughs. “I have simple tastes, right? Mink coats, sports 
cors and leather, not to mention diamonds. | spoil myself by buying all the expensive things that I like.” It’s о nice change from shagging baseballs. 


fiction 


By RICHARD CONDON 


RIZZI 


MY с 


maerose was a lady who got 
what she wanted—and 
what she wanted was charley 


AEROSE PRIZZI, granddaughter of 
the head of the Prizzi family, was 
graduated from Manhattan- 
ville five months before the don 
made Charley Partanna her 
father’s underboss. She felt drawn toward Char- 
ley because of his new status. Before that, if she 
knew he was alive, it was because he was Angelo 
Partanna's son and Angelo was the family's 
consigliere. Maerose was attracted to power. 

When she was graduated, her father gave her 
five points in the restaurant-linen-supply indus- 
try to assure her cash flow and 15 points in a 
going interior-decorating business in New York, 
not only because decorating was one of the 
things she wanted to do but because the Prizzis 
owned two big antique-reproduction-furniture 
factories in North Carolina and a big uphol- 
stery-fabrics company near Florence. 

She had a feeling for color; like her grandfa- 
ther, she knew money, and by reading in the 
New York Public Library at night for two 
months, working with the craftsmen in North 
Carolina and Florence (who were sent to New 
York) and listening carefully to an elderly queen 
who had once been an Oscar-winning set 
dresser in Hollywood, she was able to sound 
like the professional equal to her two partners. 
After 15 months, she bought one of them out 
and dominated the survivor. In two years, 
she was the sole (continued on page 128) . ILLUSTRATION BY ROBERT RISKO 


fashion By HOLLIS WAYNE 


НЕ BUSINESS WORLD still de- 

mands that you w 

ventional clothes—su 

ties, dark socks, etc. 

which means that college 

remains that last stop on 

the road to success 

where a man can still have 
some serious fun with his week- 
day wardrobe. The key, real 
to look both dressy and laid back. 
Class is returning to the class- 
room. Dingy jeans and bagged- 
out T-shirts may be fine for 
washing the car on Saturday 
morning, but you'll get zip in 
fashion—and social—points if 
you show up for eight-A.m. Psych 
101 looking as if you've just 
raided the Goodwill drop-off 
box. On these pages are six colle- 
giate outfits we like. They range 
from the melton blazer worn with 
a slim zip-front turtlene: 
sweater, at right, to the classic 
toggle-closured stadium coat on 
page 87 that's coupled with a wild 
and crazy-quilt-patterned crew- 
neck. Go, fashion! Rah! Rah! 


con- 


class 
returns 

to the 
classroom 


ACK 
S T8 — 
CAMPUS 


Left: A stylish variation on a 
classic theme. This blue-melton 
blazer with an embroidered 
crest on the chest pocket, by 
Tunnel, about $75, is teamed 
with an acrylic-wool Aztec- 
patterned cardigan, by Sahara 
Club, $52; а wool zip-front tur- 
tleneck, $90, and wool-jersey- 
knit tight slacks, $85, both by 
WilliWear WilliSmith. Right: 
More collegiate hot stuff, in- 
cluding a wool hand-knit cardi- 
gan with Hudson Bay striping, 
$185, double-pleated corduroy 
slacks, $45, both by Robert 
Stock; a cotton-jersey-knit tur- 
tleneck, by Perry Ellis America, 
about $25; socks, by E. G. 
Smith, $8.50; and black-leath- 
er loafers, by Timberland, $90. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY DOUGLAS KEEVE 


Left: Whatever game you're 
playing, а varsity jacket із 
tough to beat. His jacket (on 
her) is a wool snap-front style, 
by Perry Ellis America, about 
$125. He's wearing a zip-neck 
turtleneck, $39, a yellow-cotton 
turtleneck, $28, and workout 
pants, $35, all from Naturalife 
by Daniel Cleary; plus a cotton 
sport shirt, by Re-Union, $47.50. 


Right: Talk about fringe bene- 
fits! He's wearing a jeans jacket 
with leather fringe, by Jeff 
Hamilton, about $135; a cotton 
shirt, by Made on Earth by 
Campus, $30; a bolo tie, $15, 
and a Western belt, about $20, 
both by Shady Character; plus 
jeans, by Lee Company, about 
$30; and cowboy boots, by The 
Frye Company, about $140. 


Left: The look of tweed—a cam- 
pus cornerstone that never goes 
out of fashion—is back in a new 
guise: Here, an oversize wool 
tweedy flecked blazer, $135, is 
worn over a hand-knit cardi- 
gan, $125, and pleated flannel 
slacks, $57.50, all by Yves Saint 
Laurent Menswear; plus a cot- 
tonT-shirt, by Jockey Int'l, $5.50; 
along with a wrist watch, by 
Moontide, about $25. Right: A 
wool hooded stadium coat, by 
Lakeland, about $180; a wool 
crazy-quilt-patterned crew- 
neck, about $135, and a flannel 
shirt, about $32, both by Boston 
Traders; plus corduroy slacks, 
by Shawnee, about $35. (All the 
coeds’ clothes by Joan Vass 
and Mary Jane Marcasiano.) 


article by Р. F. Kluge 


NOW I LAY ME DOWN TO SEA 


шад ad a A Even as a 


1F 1 DIE BEFORE I BERTH 


NUKE THE FUCKERS OFF THE EARTH dictator fell, 


JOIN THE MARINE CORPS 


een the more 


SEE RARE AND EXOTIC PLACES 


sean en ORE Be: 
BRATEN business of 
THE FLEET is in! The T-shirt artists are servicing 


ready with new slogans and designs. The 
0.5.5. Enterprise, escort ships and 
submarines, two months out of San the 


Francisco. The vendors of pork satay and 
barbecued chicken have their grills ША уу 
smoking on the sidewalks оГ Magsaysay D. Na 
Street. Án amphibious task force headed 
by the U.S.S. New Orleans. The jeepney went on 
drivers prepare themselves, along with 
the touts and tailors, money-changers as usual 
and shoeshine boys. Twenty-eight ships 
at one time; things haven't been this 


good since Vietnam. Close to 20,000 men 
will exit the U.S. naval bas 
septic Santa Rita—widely known as Shit 
River—and enter the Philippines to- 
night. Six thousand (official figure) or 


16,000 (unofficial estimate) women will 
come down to meet the fleet. Call it inva- 
sion. Call it desecration. Call it recrea- 
tion. Come along to America's home 


away from home, our largest foreign 
aval base. See the mild side, the wild 


side, especially the dark side of the free 
world's finest liberty port. Check it out 
Uncle Sam's main squeeze in this part of 
the world. A wondrous, wide-open place, 


eager to talk, happy to party and only oc- 
casionally standoffish—as when the offi- 


cers on the U.S, side of Shit River refuse 
to confirm or deny the presence of 
nuclear weapons. And when the girls at a 
notorious Subic City bar, likewise coy, 


refuse to confirm or deny the rumor that 
a Navy man came in and bought a blow 


job. For his dog 
1 LOVE YOU, NO SHIT 
BUT BUY YOUR OWN FUCKIN" DRINK 


You are sitting at one of the busier 
places on Magsaysay Street, and things 


are cooking along fine. A five-year-old 
girl has just belted out "Help me if you 
can, I'm feeling down,” and an obliging 
audience of sailors and locals litters the 


ILLUSTRATION BY BRAD HOLLAND. 


cross the 


PLAYBOY 


floor in front of her with peso notes and 
coins. A singing comic jokes about his 
height, 5'11": five feet here and—heh- 
heh—11 inches there! Suddenly, the night 
is broken by the crackle of walkie-talkies, 
the anxious pushing together of tables, the 
rearranging of chairs, the appearance of 
gun-toting bodyguards. The mayor of 
Olongapo із ош on patrol. 

He isn't the sort of fellow who figures to 
cause a stir on entering a night club. He's 
a mild-mannered man who drinks nothing 
stronger than soda. But 40-year-old Rich- 
ard Gordon is an Olongapo tradition. His 
father was a mayor—assassinated in 
office—and his mother was mayor, too. He 
denies being part of a dynasty and, to be 
sure, there have been non-Gordon mayors. 
Even now, his enemies conspire. But 
everyone agrees that he is the nonpareil 
host of party-all-the-time Olongapo, and 
he sees no reason for the revelry to end. 

“Close down the bases?" he asks. “It's 
baloney. It's all talk. Deep down inside, 
America and the Philippines know we 
need each other. For the following rea- 
sons..." 

The Filipino Tom Jones is on stage, to 
be followed by the Filipino Johnny Cash, 
and much of the music and clowning are 
dedicated to the mayor, who is enumerat- 
ing the benefits to the world, to the Philip- 
pines and to Olongapo that accrue from 
having America on his doorstep. It's a pol- 
ished performance, much in keeping with 
his image as a walking-tall mayor, a 
reformer, organizer, crime stopper. There 
are even some old-timers who say the 
place isn't what it used to be since Gordon 
cleaned it up. Critics demur: Gordon 
didn't clean up the town, they say, he only 
lubricated it. 

"The man on the street would say my 
bowl of rice depends on the U.S. Navy," 
he concludes. He glances around rest- 
lessly, not a man to linger over a second 
drink. “Shall we go to another place?” 

Down the street, out onto the street. 
Temptation Alley: hard rock, Top 40, old- 
ies but goodies, country-and-western, 
oil wrestling, foxy boxing—something 
for everybody, the thirsty, the hungry, 
the horny—and the mayor promenades 
through it all, bodyguards in front, car fol- 
lowing alongside, heads turning, street 
people waving, smiling, sometimes pulling 
him aside to whisper confidences. These 
are his people, the mayor likes to say. Oh, 
sure, he could talk about cleaning up the 
public market, color-coding city jeepneys, 
renovating the hospital, disciplining cops, 
crushing pickpockets, instituting a "'social 
hygiene" program that requires regular 
vaginal smears from the “hostess popula- 
tion.” But his top achievement, he be- 
lieves, is changing attitudes. 

“Even the small people are fired up, 
proud of themselves,” he says. “I'm talk- 
ing about the little people, the vendors of 
cigarettes and peanuts. Even the garbage 


scavengers who used to be chased off the 
base by American dogs and shot at by sol- 
diers. Now they're admitted every morn- 
ing. They all know the slogan: ‘Aim high, 
Olongapo! What's the line from New York, 
New York? If we can make it there, we can 
make it anywhere. . . .” 

He pops into Sergeant Pepper's and 
then into Zeppelin, crowded, cavernous 
places with hostesses by the hundreds, 
rock videos, booming sound systems and 
heavy-metal bands that invariably inter- 
rupt themselves to introduce "our beloved 
mayor" and dedicate a song—the Platters’ 
(You've Got) The Magic Touch, say—to 
him. He calls on the newest, hottest place 
in town, the 900-person-capacity Califor- 
nia Jams. Is there anything like this in 
Manila? he asks. The answer is no. Las 
Vegas? Maybe. This could be the Las 
Vegas of the East, the mayor says. Or the 
Riviera. Or the Singapore and Hong 
Kong. 

Finally, he proceeds to a third-story 
club called Hot City and falls into a con- 
versation with the owner. How much does 
a girl get if the American buys her a drink? 
Forty percent. And if the American wants 
to sleep with her, how much then? Forty 
percent. The mayor stares at the night- 
club stage, the disco dance floor, the go-go 
dancers and hostesses wiggling in neon, so 
many of them that they look like bacteria 
dancing on a laboratory slide. For a mo- 
ment, it seems as if his earlier enthusi- 
asm for the Navy—for the 28,000 local 
jobs they provide, the $240,000,000 per 
year they pump into town—has abated. 
‘And though you know he detests what he 
calls “the Sin City moniker,” you ask the 
question you have to ask: Do you ever get 
tired of seeing these Americans come 
ashore to screw your women? 

“If the Navy wants to stay, we cannot 
stop them from staying,” he says. “And if 
they want to leave, we cannot keep them 
here." 

Then a smile returns. The weakness for 
quotations, slogans, song lyrics asserts 
itself. 

“These are the real 
live in a material world. 


," he says. “Ме 


PARDON ME. BUT YOU OBVIOUSLY 
MISTAKE ME FOR SOMEONE 
WHO GIVES A SHIT 


You journey out into the night, out of 
high-tech, heavy-decibel Olongapo, out 
toward the boondocks of sin, a place down 
the coast called Subic City; and along the 
way, you come to Barrio Barrettos, a 
funky, sleazy zone of beach houses and 
bars, many run by retired Navy men, chief 
petty officers turned into beachcombers, 
bartenders and all-round entrepreneurs. 
First stop is Casablanca Club—admission 
free till 7:30, 30 pesos after that; but hold 
on to your stub: They raffle off a girl at ten 
o'clock. Meanwhile, every night is fight 
night. 


"We're trying to induce customers to 
buy pussy," club manager Lee Williams 
explains. "The money's in pussy, not beer. 
So we started nightly boxing. We thought 
it would be a fly-by-night thing. Instead, it 
gets bigger and bigger. I've got 50 host- 
esses who are boxing, going from cherry 
weight—thar's 76 pounds—up to 125. We 
bought breast protectors, mouthpieces 
and headpieces, but the girls elected not to 
use them. They wouldn't look pretty, and 
that's important to them. They fight three- 
minute rounds, but what usually happens 
is you get two minutes of boxing and one 
minute of fixing hair. We've got a boxing 
coach and a training program every Sun- 
day morning, and if they don't show up, 
they get fined. Of 50 house boxers, I'd say 
that 20 are good right now and a dozen 
others are promising. I've got five girls 
who would rather fight than fuck. And— 
hey—if you want a good fuck, get a girl 
who's just fought. I get reports back. ‘I 
thought she'd be tired,’ guys say, ‘but she 
was on cloud nine! ™ 

There have been some legendary con- 
tests at Casablanca, challenge matches 
when outsiders showed up to test them- 
selves against the house boxers. Williams 
relishes the memory of two American girls, 
enlisted women, both weight lifters, who 
were promptly pounded into submission 
by his fighting go-go girls. “Му girls are 
long-winded,” he says. "They dance on 
stage for hours.” 

Tonight's fights, alas, are inconclusive. 
Despite a packed house and rousing 
cheers, tough-looking Cecilia Garcia runs 
out of gas at the end of the third round and 
is pummeled against the ropes by Claire 
de Guzman. Previously undefeated Tessie 
Ramos claims a wrist injury and retires in 
the second round. 

“I'm not making excuses," Williams 
says, "but these girls are tired. With the 
fleet in, they've had a rough week." 

Walk out of Casablanca, cross the street, 
and you can see that the evening is starting 
to cook. You'd have to be blind, deaf and 
dumb to miss the fleet's rough magic, tak- 
ing a seaside shantytown and turning it 
into Woodstock/Fort Lauderdale. There's 
action everywhere at such places as 
D'Booby Trap, the Florida Beach House, 
the Bamboo Inn, the Good, Bad and Ugly 
Bar. Cold beer, hot women, a happy hour 
that never ends. You can even check out 
Heaven. That's where you find Charley 
Fulfer, a frizzy-haired, affable ex-Navy, 
ex-merchant marine who decided not to 
go home to New Mexico. 

“When I visited my home town, 80 
miles from Albuquerque,” he recalls, “the 
street was the same as it was when I was 
17. Nothing changed. People talked about 
beef and hogs, and I wanted to talk about 
pussy in the Р.І. I sounded like a pervert! 
When my mother asked what I liked about 
the Philippines, I said, ‘Beautiful weather, 

(continued on page 162) 


“And we won't rest until we get you that 
pony you never had as a child, babe!” 


те бю" 


91 


REBEKKA ARMSTRONG 
IS SOMETHING SPECIAL— 
WHICH COMES AS 
NO SURPRISE TO HER MOM 


DESERT 
LOWER 


SOMEHOW, ] guess my mom knew I 


- d 


was going to be an unusual child 

Rebekka Armstrong says, "'so she fig- 
ured she had to give me an unusual first 
name." Maybe it was the weird desert cli 
mate or the barren landscape of her home 
town of Ridgecrest, California, a small com- 


munity in the middle of the Mojave Desert 


or maybe it was all those loud noises em 
nating from the naval weapons-testing 
station nearby, but Mrs. Armstrong's clair- 
voyance was right on the money—h 
daughter Bekki was not going to be your 
ordinary, garden-variety California girl. At 


the ripe old age of nine, Bekki started 
motocross racing and was so adept at it by 
the time she was 1 
would nc 
girls. In those days, her favorite mode of 
dress was combat boots, T-shirts and 
Levi's. "Something hit me when I was 15 

she recalls, “and 1 decided to become more 


feminine." Pause. "So I wore a dress over 


that the racing officials 


let her compete against 


Rebekka likes to jump into her pickup and 
head out to the desert toums of Randsburg 
and Johannesburg. She'll hang out in 
front of the Randsburg General Store 
with the old prospectors (top left) 
have morning coffee at Michaelangelo's 
(above left) or grab a phosphate at the Gen 
eral Store's antique soda fountain (left) 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY STEPHEN WAYDA 
GATEFOLD PHOTOGRAPHY BY KERRY MORRIS 


“My first sexual experi 
ence very scary. 1 
didn't want to go through 
with и, but 1 did. Then 1 
didn't talk to the guy for a 
whole month! 1 thought. 
ls that и? Yuk! No 

of course, I enjoy it а lot 


the combat boots." The 
quintessential tomboy, she 
preferred GI Joes to 
dolls, cowboys and Indi- 
ans to slumber parties 
disarmed — Army-surplus 
grenades to Ken and 
Barbie, “I used to beat up 
the boys at school," she 
recalls. "I even broke a 
kid's finger once. I always 
went after the bullies— 
you know the type. In 
high school, I didn't mess 
with any dudes, but 1 
didn't take any guff from 
anybody, either. Did I tell 
you I started chewing 
tobacco when I was ten? I 
guess I just wanted to be 
one of the boys. I quit at 
15." Ask Bekki where her 
tomboy streak originates 
and she won't hesitate. “1 
take after my mom," she 
s proudly. "When she 
younger, she used to 
drag-race the quarter mile 
in a '67 Mustang fast- 
back. She's had some 
pretty masculine jobs 
too—ironworker 
struction, welding, rc 
ing. She's got pretty bi 
chest muscles." Bekki 


close relationship with her 


mother is one of the most 
treasured aspects of her 
life. Mother and daughter 
have done practically ev 
erything together, from 
double-dating to discuss- 
ing their most intimate 
sexual fantasies, “I started 
really opening up to т 
mom at 16,” Bekki tells us 
“You can learn a lot from 


someone who's already 


TE 


E 
q. 
ye 


“I prefer aggressive 
men,” Bekki says. “Not so 
aggressive they paw you 
night. I mean a guy 
who's open, who doesn't 
beat around the bush. 1 
like a down-to-earth guy 
in a four-wheel drive 


gone through it" For 
example, she quotes her 
mother's three cardinal 
rules on the subject of men 
Don't let men walk all 
you, don't let a man 
get away with too much 

and never go into a rom: 
с situation blind, becau 
u'll аһ get hurt 
for the double-dating 
Mom looks pretty young, 
Bekki says, "so the guys 
we date about the 
same age, in their late 20s 
We've never fought over 
the same guy, though. 1 
guess we have an unwrit 
reement: "This one's 

mine, that one's your 

adays, Bekki's tc 
tendencies have mel 
d. The combat boots 
in the closet, the 
orcycles are stored in 
the garage and she's not 
beating up bullies any 
more. She does, however 
sleep with a loaded deer 
rifle by her bed as protec 


ainst prowlers, and 


has recently developed an 


terest in dr ag 

I'm rebuild 
Chevy door hardtop 
ports coupe with a 350 
Stroker motor that puts 
out 657 horsepower 
7200 rpm 

d, "You should see me 
getting ready for a date 
I'll spend hours оп my toe 
nails and make sure every 
strand of hair is perfect 
When 1 go out, I like to 
look like a walking hors 
d'oeuvre." Pause 


enough to eat 


MISS SEPTEMBER 


PLAYBOY'S PLAYMATE OF THE MONTH 


PLAYMATE DATA SHEET 


7 E 


NAME: ZIL ALS HIL 22 ZA JAM 


изт. Isr: —QA2Q2 urs: 
HEIGHT: E ge WEIGHT: //2 


BIRTH pare 20,620 BIRTHPLACE: 


AMBITIONS Kay eo A 


FAVORITE FOODS: 
ANGOL Ж 
FAVORITE E ҒАТ” 2 


Ont ze Ja Dp AT 2 


FAVORITE SÉÓRTS ALE slip ol ol Ж RE ds 2 
Pr” = 
Aisle rl), Scene aad 


FAVORITE PLACE: 


PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES 


The bitter rivalry between two single Yuppies for 
the sexual favors of beautiful women had been 
going on for years. One day, an angel appeared 
to one of them and said, “God has sent me to 
teach you a lesson. I will give you anything you 
ask for, but whatever you get, your neighbor will 
get twice as much. If you want wealth, you will 
be wealthy. But he will be twice as wealthy. If 
you want a big car, he will have one twice as 
big.” 


"The young man grinned. “All right, then, give 
me a 110-pound woman and half a marriage 
license." 


Israeli police are conducting a house-to-house 
Wen eae purus pulled off a daring day- 
light train robbery. According to witnesses, the 
masked pair held passengers at gunpoint, then 
escaped with $7.50 in cash and $10,000,000 іп 
pledges. 


A titled British gentleman walked into his wife's 
bedroom and found her flagrante delicto with the 
chauffeur, the grounds keeper and the butler. 
"Why, ello, "ello, "ello," the nobleman 
gasped 
“Darling,” his wife said, sitting up, "aren't 
you going to say hello to me?" 


Late one night, the Ayatollah Khomeini's three 
most senior advisors requested admission to his 
bedchamber, bearing news of the greatest 
urgency. Upon admittance, they informed him 
that sacred divinations had just revealed that 
unless he bedded a woman, the Iranian revolu- 
tion would collapse. 

Khomeini stared at the Koran open before 
him for a few moments, then looked up at his 
advisors and said, “As foul and impure a deed as 
this is, Allah has decreed it. But,” he snarled, “1 
have three stipulations, First, she must be blind, 
so that one so unclean shall not see my pure 
being.” 

“It shall be so, Holiness,” his advisors said. 

“Second, she must be mute, so she cannot 
blaspheme me.” 

“Tt shall be so, Holiness.” 

“And third,” the ayatollah rumbled, “she 
must have really big tits.” 


Parking in the driveway after their first date, 
Roger leaned over and gave Linda a passionate 
kiss. When she responded warmly, he unzipped 
his fly and pulled her hand to his penis. Furious, 
Linda opened the door and jumped out of the 
car. 

“Гуе got just two words for you,” she 
screamed. " Drop dead!" 

“And I've got just two words for you,” Roger 
screamed back. “Let go!" 


Three women were enjoying cocktails on the 
patio of the local country club when a gust of 
wind blew open the door to the men’s locker 
room, exposing a man wearing only a towel over 
his head and shoulders. 

"Well" sighed the first after а thorough 
appraisal, “he isn't my husband.” 

“He isn't mine, either, " added the second, her 
eyes squinting in concentration. 

“Of course not, ladies," said the third. “He 
isn't even a member of the club." 


The clothing-store owner became suspicious of 
onc of his clerks when he discovered that the man 
lived in a penthouse and drove a Ferrari, on a 
salary of $90 a week. When confronted by his 
boss, the man explained that he was selling 2000 
raffle tickets a week at one dollar apiece. 

"What exactly are you rafling off?” the store 
owner asked. 

“My pay check," the clerk answered. 


My God, Helen,” Joyce exclaimed as she 
bumped into her old friend on the street, “you've 
lost so much weight, I almost didn't recognize you.” 

"Its my boyfriend,” Helen sighed. “He insults 


me terribly and doesn't let me eat.” 
“For heaven's sake, why don't you dump him?" 
“Oh, I'm going to—just as soon as I lose ten 
more pounds." 


Ali Metin 


The man sadly told his wife the grim news: He 
had cancer and had only six months to live. 

“You could make my final days happier," he 
told her, “Бу giving me something you've always 
denied me—oral sex.” 

His wife agreed and began satisfying him. 

A month later, the stricken man returned for a 
checkup. “Mr. Davis, have you seen another 
doctor, been taking any miracle drugs or other- 
wise been doing anything unusual?" the physi- 
cian inquired 

"My wife's been giving me daily blow jobs," 
Davis replied. 

"That must be it," the doctor concluded. 
"Congratulations, Mr. Davis, you are completely 
cut eg 
When the elated man told his wife the news, 
she began to cry. “Whats the matter?” he 
asked. 


“I can't help thinking 
have saved John Wayne." 


” she sobbed, “I could 


Heard a funny one lately? Send it on a post- 
card, please, to Party Jokes Editor, PLAYBOY, 
Playboy Bldg., 919 М. Michigan Ave., Chicago, 
Ill. 60611. $50 will be paid to the contributor 
whose card is selected. Jokes cannot be returned. 


OR 


Mw х 


m 


\\\ 


NS 


| 


105 


“Sure is nice to have the summer people gone!” 


COMING TO Astor with screeching, smoking, 
sliding tires may look spectacular in epi- 
sodes of Knight Rider; but if it's your car 
that's causing all the commotion, there's 
something wrong with your braking tech- 
nique. Professional racing drivers have 
coined the term threshold braking for 
what's generally agreed to be the best way 
to bring a car to а halt in a hurry. The 
trick is to keep all four wheels rolling, so 


how the pros bring their hot wheels to a halt 


street smarts By GARY WITZENBURG 


ILLUSTRATION BY MONTXO ALGORA 


OH aaa U 


the front ones steer while the rear ones fol- 
low. Say уоште rapidly approaching the 
hind end ofa stalled semi. Don't stomp on 
the brakes, locking them up; this elimi- 
nates your ability to steer. Squeeze them 
on, quickly and firmly. Use the ball of your 
foot, its most sensitive part. Once you're 
into the meat of the pedal's travel (beyond 
the slack), there’s a point past which one 
or more tires (concluded on page 143) 


Now that you own some heavy 
o A ü 
fost. First (as the broad arrow at = 

right indicates), come down hard 
on the brake pedal, but only to 
the place where you feel your 
brakes about to lock up (i.e., “the 
, threshold"). Hesitate momentar- в 
йу, allowing the momentum of the 
сог to transfer weight to the 
front tires, then squeeze the broke 
pedal (as indicated by the wiggly 
arrow)—but don't pump it. It’s a 
great way to come up short 


20 QUESTIONS: GREGORY HINES 


a тап who taps all his talents reconciles men's 
earrings, men’s consciousness and his passion for sammy davis jr. 


fier 36 years in show business, Gregory 
Hines, 40—tap dancer, singer, actor, 
comic, former child performer—is surfacing 
as a movie star: last year in Taylor Hack- 
Jord's “White Nights,” this year in “Running 
Scared.” Claudia Dreifus interviewed Hines 
on a recent afternoon in New York. 


тлувоу: What's the weirdest thing you've 
done for a film role? 

WINES: When I was preparing to play а 
medical examiner in Wolfen, I hung out for 
three weeks in the New York M.E.'s build- 
ing—watching about 150 autopsies. Week- 
ends, I'd go out on rounds with this retired 
M.E. who worked just to keep his certi- 
fication. It was gross. I started to drink a 
lot. Once, we found a guy who'd been 
dead for two weeks, and you could smell 
his body from the hallway. The policeman 
guarding the corpse told me, “You'd be 
better off reading about this stuff than see- 
ing it.” Nevertheless, I went upstairs and 
saw this two-week-old corpse. The cop had 
been right. 


PLAYBOY: What's your 
moviemaking experience? 
nines: In Running Scared, Billy Crystal 
and I were put into a taxicab that was 
lifted three stories in the air and then 
dropped—no stunt doubles; we did it our- 
selves. Each time, I thought I was going to 
throw up. What stopped me from actually 
puking was thinking, Gee, Billy and I are 
really close and he’s such a great guy, and 
Гуе just got to make sure I don't throw up 
on him—or it'll be the end of a friendship! 

I play a Chicago cop in the movie, so 1 
went out with the vice squad one night, the 
narcotics squad one night and the gang- 
crime unit. I took part in a raid, put on a 
bulletproof vest and actually got to say, 
"Police—open up!” We ransacked this 
known heroin dealer's house. I really got 
into it, though as an old hippie, I felt a lit- 
tle strange. Now, when cops say they're 
going to search somebody's house, they 
mean it. They open up the flowerpots— 
they go for the boxes of Cheerios. We 
didn't find any heroin, but we found about 
$6000 in cash—I found $1500 stuffed in a 
green pepper. The cops were pretty im- 
pressed with me for that. 


3. 


PLAYBOY: You have turned out to be so 
many things; what was the one thing you 
wanted to be when you grew up? 

HINES: А tap dancer. That was my brother, 


second-weirdest 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY GREG GORMAN 


Maurice, Jr.'s, aim, too—he's two years 
older. Our parents had been around black 
vaudeville for most of their lives, and they 
knew all the tap-dance greats—Honi 
Coles, Henry LeTang, Little Buck. Little 
Buck had this fantastic routine where he'd 
climb up on a piano and just dive off, 
seemingly onto his head—but just at the 
last minute, somehow, he would put his 
hands down, roll off, dive and go into a 
great split. At any rate, tapping, in the late 
Forties, was a way up and out of the ghet- 
to. A friend of my father's gave free dance 
lessons to Maurice, but he would come 
homeand show me what he'd learned. I was 
a quick study. By the time I was four, 
put together an act, The Hines 

which by adolescence became The Hines 
Brothers. We toured black vaudeville, 
black night clubs, the Apollo. Later, when I 
was around 17, we formed Hines, Hines and 
Dad. And that was beautiful. How many 
kids ever get to work with their parents? 


4. 


PLAYBOY: One of the great rumors about 
your father, Maurice, Sr., is that he was 
almost Jackie Robinson—the first black 
man to break into major-league baseball. 
True? 

WINES: Semitrue. In the early Forties, when 
they were looking for someone to break the 
color line in baseball, my father was play- 
ing semipro sand-lot ball. Word was out 
all over the ghetto that the ball clubs were 
looking for someone to be the first. In our 
family, everyone said, "Well, maybe 
they'll pick Maurice." They didn't, of 
course, and that's led to a bittersweet joke. 
My father always said, “Good thing they 
picked Jackie Robinson and not me, be- 
cause if I'd been the first, the black man 
would just be getting his second shot 
now." My father's got a terrible temper— 
really bad. He would never have been able 
to turn the other cheek to all the abuse 
that Robinson withstood. 


5. 


PLAYBOY: А mutual friend told us, “When 
Gregory was an adolescent, all he wanted 
was to be Sammy Davis Jr.” When you 
were 13, did you wear much jewelry? 

HINES: No, but I combed my hair just like 
Sammy, sang like him, walked like him 
and wore those tight-fitting short jackets. I 
did worship him. He could do everything 
well—sing, dance, play instruments, do 
impressions; he was working theaters, 
movies, night clubs. I thought, Here's a 
black man who's a great artist and who's 


having a lot of mainstream success. Now, 
Sammy gets put down a lot, but I really 
admire the cat. He's a guy who lived his 
life out in the open and got a lot of criti- 
cism for the risks he took. 


6. 


PLAYBOY: One of the risks he took was in 
marrying a white actress, May Britt, in a 
time when top black performers didn't 
break the color line. Both of your mar- 
riages have been interracial. How risky 
was it? 

mies: When I married my first wife, Pa- 
tricia, interracial couples weren't common 
and, yeah, we got some flak for it. People 
stared at us on the street. We met when 
we were teenagers, fell tremendously in 
love and got married at 22. When you're 
that young and that much in love, any- 
thing is bearable. Whatever got in our 
way, we shut out—parents, the world. 
When you really love someone and want 
to be with her, absolutely nothing else 
matters. Happily, the street stares were a 
factor only until 1967 or so. By then, soci- 
ety had changed, and it was no big deal to 
see a black man and a white woman 
together. It wasn't that interracial couples 
happened a lot—just that people light- 
ened up about it. By the time I got 
together with Pamela, my second wife, in 
1973, we didn't encounter those kinds of 
hassles. 


7. 


PLAYBOY: Every black person has a moment 
when he realizes that being black is dif- 
ferent from being white. When was that 
moment for you? 

HINES: In 1957, in Miami. I was 11. The 
Hines Kids were playing in Miami 
Beach—at a white club. Cab Calloway 
starred. In 1957, if you were a black play- 
ing in Miami Beach, you had to have a 
special police card that permitted you to 
work in the white district. To get that card, 
you had to have your picture taken and be 
fingerprinted. Then, when a cop stopped 
you and asked you why you were in the 
white part of town, you presented this 
pass. The entire Cotton Club Revue cast 
went down to the police station to get 
themselves fingerprinted. It was a hot day. 
I got thirsty. I walked over to the public 
water fountains—there were two. One was 
marked WHITE; the other, COLORED. Who 
wants colored water? I thought as I 
headed to the wurrt fountain. I want the 
white, cleaner water. Instantly, about 
eight guys from the show grabbed me. 
Nothing was (continued on page 160) 


109 


110 


ATION BY BILL BENWAY 


hush 


or, how one man stilled the 


sound and the furry 


fiction 


By STEPHEN RANDALL 


PAUL WAS ALWAYS in a fog immediately after 
akening, so it took him a few minutes to 
realize something was amiss. He noticed 
first that it wasn't morning—there was no 
sunlight streaming in between the Hefty 
Steel-Sacks that lined the windows of his 
new tract house, Paul had come to like 
having gray trash bags on the windows. 
He had put them there himself as a stop- 
gap bid for privacy and darkness until the 
new Levolors arrived. His wife, Sandy, did 
not like them. “It lo like Karen Silk- 
wood did our interior design,” she sniffed 
and promptly called the store to 
another promise, undoubtedly fictional, on 
when the blinds would be delivered. 
Sandy was not beside him in the king- 
е bed, he realized next. Nor, when he 
raised himself up on one elbow and 
looked, was she in the bathroom, the other 
logical place to find an extremely pregnant 
woman at three am. Paul listened for some 
sign of her wandering the house— with her 
added weight, the seismic tremors made 
sy to keep track of—but all he could 
he: as the ceaseless barking of the 
neighborhood dogs. “The attack of the kill- 
er dogs continues," he said to himself and 
got out of bed. (continued on page 146) 


(ішім 


-— DE 


COMIL F 
s eae 


4 (N 
ЕЕ: 


HOW TO SPEND YOUR VINO 

BUCKS WISELY IN TODAY'S 

SPIRITUOUS INTERNATIONAL 
MONEY MARKET 


WINES 


TO BANK ON 


ARTICLE 


BY ROBERT M. PARKER, JR. 


KNOWING THE international fina) cli- 


seven years, 1979-1985, offer valuable 
insight into how the wine market oper- 
ates. In 1979, the market place was 
dominated by California. The Ameri- 
can dollar was weak and French wines 
were very, very expensive. In fact, the 
ae experts in the domestic wine 
industry were predicting a boom pe- 
riod for home-grown products. Even 
Time and Newsweek had gotten caught 
up in the hoopla surrounding Cal 
3H a) stories about the surging 
in the wine industry. W 
anyone ы: suspected in the opt 
that flowed in 1979 that only four 
later, French wines would again domi 
mate the fine-wine market and the Cali- 
_ fornia wine industry would be in a 
depression, with millions of uch of 


S 3! ECINQUANTA MI AES n 


3 1 . slide—and what can we learn from it? / 
pcm . In simple terms, what happened was 
K Gov uumoi c classic case of supply and demand, 

7 | by a macho American dollar that 
© made im, wines more attractive, 
Eee than they had been in more 

_ than a decade. In addition, the domes- 
с wine industry simply produced too 
much. The demand for imports sky- 
rocketed and (continued on page 156) 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY GARRICK PETERSON 


PLAYBOY'S PRO FOOTBALL PREVIEW 


FOOTBALL SEASON has arrived, which is a welcome change after 
months of incessant reports of drug abuse, avaricious agents and 
25-year-old semiliterates who are furious because they are paid 
only $500,000 a year. 

But we shouldn't really be upset by all the bad news in pro 
sports these days. Many people think that athletes should be 
paragons of clean living and true American values, but they fail 
to recognize that professional sports are just another form of 
show business. If a few young rock musicians and movie stars 
can make public spectacles of themselves, why can't professional 
jocks do the same? 

This controversy will quiet very soon, because the moncy 
value of spectator sports has peaked. Franchise owners are no 
longer willing, or able, to pay enormous salaries to unproved 
rookies. Head coaches are increasingly disposed to kick asses 
instead of kissing them. The result will be a better game for both 
the players and the fans 

This year's draft was, according to most scouts and coaches, 
one of the most talent poor in the past decade, so it's unlikely 
that many of the rookies will make an immediate impact on their 
teams’ prospects. Still, a few will definitely make their marks, 
Tampa Bay running back Bo Jackson and Atlanta 
defensive lineman Tony Casillas and linebacker Tim Green 

So, as the season begins, let's take a look at each of the teams 
around the league 


. 

This will be the year of the Giants. There are no obvious weak- 
nesses anywhere. Quarterback Phil Simms has matured, the of- 
fensive line may be the best in the league and the running game, 


with Joe Morris and George Adams, will be spectacular. Best of 
all is the fact that the Giants are a stable franchise, with no inter- 
nal bickering or jealousies. The only possible weaknesses are the 
lack of a speedy kick returner and a game-breaking wide receiver. 

The Cowboys were last year's most inexplicable club. One 
week they were unbeatable; the next Sunday they would be 
destroyed by an obviously inferior team. That inconsistency was 
the result of their being number one on every other team’s hit 
list. “Every team we play has its adrenaline flowing full tap," a 
Dallas assistant coach told us, “but we can't be sky-high for the 
entire season.” 

Another problem is the lack of talent depth. For many years, 
the Cowboys have been low on the draft priority list. When key 
injuries occur, the backup players are often less than adequate. 
The Cowboys need four or five talented new players to fill in the 
gaps. The draft produced some goodies, best of whom is wide 
receiver Mike Sherrard. 

Washington's fortunes this year will depend largely on how 
much maturity quarterback Jay Schroeder exhibits. In a couple 
of years, he could be one of the best quarterbacks in the league. 
Although quiet and unassuming, he already commands the 
respect of the other players. 

The defensive unit, led by senior citizen Dave Butz, will again 
be formidable, The Redskins’ major problem in recent years has 
been a tendency toward lackluster performances in early-season 
games. Coach Joe Gibbs has tried, in vain, every gimmick imag- 
inable to overcome that problem. Let's hope that last spring's 
draft helped solve some of the team's aging problems. 

The Eagles, under new coach Buddy Ryan, could be one of the 


n 


early line on teams 
and players in both 
conferences of the n.f.l. 


sports 


By ANSON MOUNT 


ILLUSTRATION BY SANDRA HENDLER 


115 


116 


PLAYBOY'S 1986 PRE-SEASON ALL-PRO TEAM 


OFFENSE 


Louis Lipps, Pittsburgh 

Art Monk, Washington 

Ozzie Newsome, Cleveland . 
Anthony Muñoz, Cincinnati . . 

Jim Covert, Chicago. 

Mike Munchak, Houston. 

Kent Hill, Los Angeles Rams 
Dwight Stephenson, Miami 

Dan Marino, Miami. 

Walter Payton, Chicago. ........... 
Marcus Allen, Los Angeles Raiders . 
Gary Anderson, Pittsburgh. 


Wide Receiver 
Wide Receiver 


. Running Back 
. Running Back 
Place Kicker 


DEFENSE 


Howie Long, Los Angeles Raiders. 
Mark Gastineau, New York Jets... 
Randy White, Dallas. . . . 

Dan Hampton, Chicago . 

Mike Singletary, Chicago 

Rickey Jackson, New Orleans. 
Andre Tippett, New England 

Mike Haynes, Los Angeles Raiders . 
Everson Walls, Dallas 

Wes Hopkins, Philadelphia . . 
Kenny Easley, Seattle... 

Rohn Stark, Indianapolis 

Ron Brown, Los Angeles Rams . 
Joey Browner, Minnesota 


. Kick Returner 
«Special Teams 


THIS SEASON'S WINNERS 


N.F.C. EASTERN DIVISION... 
N.F.C. CENTRAL DIVISION. . . 
М.ЕС. WESTERN DIVISION 


-New York Giants 
.. Chicago Bears 
Los Angeles Rams 


N.F.C. CHAMPION .. . New York Giants 


A.F.C. EASTERN DIVISION 
А.ЕС. CENTRAL DIVISION... 
A.F.C. WESTERN DIVISION. . 


New York Jets 
. Cleveland Browns 
...Denver Broncos 


A.F.C. CHAMPION .. . Denver Broncos 


ALL THE MARBLES .... NEW YORK GIANTS 


most improved franchises in the league. 
Ryan is both a lover and an ass kicker. 
“ГИ do anything to get "em to win," he 
says. “I hug "em, I kiss “ет or I kick 'em." 
His players, consequently, have great 
affection for him. 

Ryan inherits a superb defensive unit 
He will install the aggressive attack he 
built in Chicago. The Eagles’ main offense 
will be the passing game, with quar- 
terback Randall Cunningham and receiv- 
ers Mike Quick and Kenny Jackson. 

St. Louis entered last season with great 
expectations, but the year turned out to be 


EASTERN DIVISION 
NATIONAL FOOTBALL CONFERENCE 
New York Giants 


4 
-6 
-8 


-1 

St. Louis Cardinals. -l 
a big bust. The main cause seemed to be 
the poor play of both lines. New coach 
Gene Stallings believes that the key to a 
turnaround for the Cardinals is largely a 
matter of squad psychology. Stallings 
should certainly be a master of fashioning 
his players’ mental attitudes. In his 
20-year career, he has served as an 
assistant to only two head coaches, Bear 
Bryant and Tom Landry, each an expert 
in the art of mental toughness, 

The Cardinals’ main strength this year 
will be the rushing attack, featuring 
Stump Mitchell and Ottis Anderson. 


CENTRAL DIVISION 
NATIONAL FOOTBALL CONFERENCE 


Minnesota Vikings 
Green Bay Packers 
Tampa Bay Buccaneers 


The Bears can have another great year if 
they (1) solve the internecine bickering 
and jealousies that have plagued them in 
the off season and (2) cope with the Super 
Bowl-downer syndrome, which seems to 
afflict all teams that make it big after many 
years of mediocrity. Linebacker Mike 
Singletary and runner Walter Payton were 
the most valuable players last year (as 
usual), but elephantine William Perry and 
irreverent quarterback Jim McMahon got 
most of the media coverage. That's a sit- 
uation that breeds intrasquad resentment 

The Bears have no perceptible talent 
needs. Despite fears to the contrary, the 
defense won't fall apart because of the de- 
parture of defensive coordinator Buddy 
Ryan. His replacement, Vince Tobin, will 
change the tactics (using the 3-4 defense 
much of the time), but the talent is the 
same, 

Detroit hopes that its terrible rash of 
injuries last season will not be repeated 

(continued on page 150) 


“She says to keep your shirts on—she'll be there soon enough.” 


First there was Farm Aid 


J 
ј ар m Cf. 5 апа = m s 
/ was Farm Aid Il. 
Dau fi е 53 Now heres the best-kept 


secret in the back 40 


E COME AND GO, but the land is always there. And the people who love it and understand it are the people who own it— 
for a little while." The words are those of a farmer's d er, Willa Cather, in the days before price supports, agri- 
business and a national farm debt of 212.5 billion dollars. The 1986 Cather update should read, “Тһе land belongs to 
the people who hold the bank notes." That's why such populist performers as John Cougar Mellencamp and Willie 
Nelson helped organize Farm Aid and Farm Aid 11. Mellencamp even devoted his most recent album to the farmers' 
plight, calling it Scarecrow. If only the assaults against the family farm could be resisted with the right metaphor. Well, we wanted to 
help, too. Naturally, we saw our role a little differently. We wanted to look on the bright side. We decided to help the farmer celebrate 
his bléssings. That's w assembled this intimate look at country living, hosted by some stunning Farm Belters. Which reminds 
us of an ad we Middle-aged farmer would like to meet girl with tractor with view to marriage. Please send photo—of tractor.” 
Не can keep the tractor. For a further look at farm women, try the Playboy's Farmers' Daughters video, $19.95 at video retail stores 


By profession, Becky Prusha, 26, is a farmer. That occupation has paved the way for other outdoor interests—taising) s, skiing and trapshoot- 
ing. At left, she concocts mysteries in the farm kitchen. Below, she surveys the landscape o deep inthe heart of corn country. 


ackie Lorenz, 25, is at home on the farm near Dallas, Texas (above left), but spends 
most of her time at Richland College. Colleen Donovan, 23, demonstrates proper 
farm attire for work (above right) and play (right). Lacy Mercer, 18 (below), told us 
that her family’s California horse farm really does boast indoor plumbing 


he intelligence of 

pigs is very often 

underrated. Pig 

formers say that 

porkers aren't as 
dumb os you think. As proof, we 
submit the shot at left, in which 
the oinkers of a Bringhurst 
Indiana, farm exhibit their ex 
cellent taste in surrounding 
Annie Smith, 20. Sooey 
Sooey. Sooey. At right, Jackie 
Lorenz adds her charms to that 
picturesque stople of the coun- 
try — landscape—the old, 
weather-beaten тей born 
In fact, this is the broad 
side of a barn we've all heard 
so much about. We think it 


makes a pretty good Eighties 
portrait of life on the farm 


hen she's not riding, comping or hunting, Linda Vittoria, 21, of 
Katy, Texas, finds the sun at the edge of o rice field (top). A 
woman's gotta do what o woman's gotta do. Brenda Adamson, 23 
(right and above), lives in the town of Coralville, lowa, but she 
wos raised out in the country "in a very down-to-earth manner.” 


arolyn Marie Fisher, 24, is a Georgia peach who spends much of her free time around horses. We 
cought her eying the world from the other side of с screen door (above). At right, Corolyn 
and her mount agree to ride bareback, proving once again that girls just wanna have fun. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY DAVID CHAN, DAVID MECEY AND JAMES SCHNEPF 


lockwise from top left: 


cer cuts а colf; Des 

Moines, lowa's, Chris- 

пе Lyn Rude, 22, at 
the wheel; Nancy Lynn, 28, basks in 
sheer beauty and then demonstrates 
her gleaning skills learned on the 
family farm in central Illinois, which 
is technically called downstate, о 
universal expression that describes 
where each one of our farm stars 
originated. To close our spectacular 
family-farm photo feature, we leave 
you with a twilight profile of Becky 
Prusha, the gentlewoman farmer 
with whom we opened this pictorial. 


PLAYBOY 


Pras FAMILY eons fom poe 50; - 


“Maerose was a tall, gorgeous grabber and the most 
classically Sicilian Prizzi of them all.” 


stockholder of a thriving business that op- 
erated, with a little help from her friends, 
in New York, Beverly Hills and London. 

Maerose was a tall, gorgeous grabber 
who wore clothes with the assurance and 
style with which Marilyn Monroe had 
worn her ass. She was the most classically 
Sicilian Prizzi of them all, a cool aristo- 
crat risen from a line of Arab-Greek- 
Phoenician Sicilians, with a nose like a 
Saracen, passionate and unremitting, and 
the sexually inquisitive eyes of a Bedouin 
woman in purdah. She was the definition 
of serenity and total adjustment on her 
surfaces, but, underneath, she was like the 
center of the placid earth—eruptive. 

After Manhattanville, although she kept 
an unannounced apartment in New York 
on 37th Street off Park, she lived at home 
with her father, Vincent Prizzi, and her 
16-year-old sister, Teresa, in her father's 
house in Bensonhurst. She had ап oc- 
casional fling with one or two clients in 
New York, but in Brooklyn, she was 
strictly virgin territory. 

When she was in New York, working 
with clients or seeing friends, she spoke 
with the grammatical elegance and diction 
of a woman on whom many years of higher 
education had been lavished. But when 
she was in Brooklyn, speaking to any- 
one—her father, her grandfather, anyone 
in her family—she spoke the street lan- 
guage with a heavy Brooklyn-Italian pro- 
nunciation and phrasing. 

There was usually a filled glass of cham- 
pagne on the desk in her office, not for 
effect but because she was always pitched 
so that she needed a drink. That was 
anathema to her fami so, when she 
drank, she drank only jew York. 

She had been thinking about what she 
really wanted to do since she was 12, She 
wanted to take over, run and control both 
sides of her family's business operations: 
the street side, where her father held the 
power, and the political/investment side, 
where her Uncle Eduardo, a. Edward 
Price, lived. What was implicit in her take- 
over plan and what therefore exalted it to 
an extreme was one clear fact: She would 
need to replace her grandfather as head of 
the family. Her reasoning had refined itself 
into a fairly straight line. Her grandfather 
was an old man; he had to die soon. Her 
father was a sick man; he couldn't last too 
long. Eduardo was healthy and younger 
than her father, so he would have to be 
taken from the inside. She was going to 
have to continue to cultivate Eduardo, as 
she had been doing since she was 15. After 
she established decorating branches іп 


Palm Beach and Washington, she planned 
to sell the whole thing to Eduardo, giving 
him an idea of how well she understood 
business. Then she would have her grand- 
father persuade Eduardo to take her into 
Barker's Hill Enterprises, so that grad- 
ually over, say, a ten-year period, while 
he got older and older, she could under- 
mine him with key elements of the family's 
hierarchy. 

Until she spotted Charley Partanna, she 
knew the weak link in her plan was the 
street side of the family operation. Her fa- 
ther, boss of the street side, would never 
allow her, a woman, to have anything to 
do with family business. Out of nowhere, 
Charley Partanna was made her father’s 
underboss and vendicatore. Her grandfa- 
ther respected Charley. Charley had a big 
future in the family. Charley was going to 
have a lot of power. Therefore, she was 
going to have to marry Charley in order to 
take him over and control the street side, 
which fed money to Eduardo's operation. 
Then, in ten or 15 years, when she took 
over Eduardo, she would control both 
sides of the family’s operations. Everyone 
would have to call her Donna Mae, the 
first woman in history to stand at the head 
of a Mafia family. Maerose had to be 
slightly mad to live with such an ambition. 
Any Sicilian man could have told her it 
was an impossible dream. 

She had her first clear shot at Charley at 
her sister Teresa's 17th birthday party. 
Charley Partanna was there as a feudal 
duty. Teresa was a Prizzi. Everyone whose 
surname was Prizzi, Sestero, Partanna or 
Garrone was there: men, women and chil- 
dren. At the proper time, her grandfather, 
in a show of great age, would shuffle to the 
microphone and make a speech. He would 
whisper into Vincent's ear in Sicilian, then 
Vincent would speak it into the micro- 
phone in Brooklynese, dumping the words 
out of the depths of his stomach the way a 
piled wheelbarrow is emptied by upending 
it. Then the don would hand over the 
traditional annual birthday check of $1000 
to Vincent, who would beckon Teresa to 
the stage and hand the check to her. She 
would kiss her grandfather, her father and 
her uncle Eduardo. The four-piece band, 
all bald or white-haired men who had 
been playing at Prizzi parties for 51 years, 
would then play Happy Birthday to You and 
all of the Prizzis, Sesteros, Partannas and 
Garrones would sing out the words. Vi 
cent would lead Teresa to the dance floor. 
The band would play The Anniversary 
Waltz and after one turn of the floor, Patsy 
Garrone, Teresa's fidanzato, would cut in 


and everyone would join in the dancing. 

Maerose made sure she was standing 
next to Charley Partanna during the sing- 
ing, so that when the band began to play 
the dance music, all she had to do was say, 
“Come on, Charley. Let's dance." 

“Jeez, Mae," Charley said. “I ain't 
danced since Rocco's anniversary.” 

"Whatta you do on Saturday night? 
Raise pigeons? Come on!" She pulled him 
onto the dance floor. "Hey!" she said after 
a few turns. “You're a terrific dancer.” 

“I put eight hundred and forty dollars 
into Arthur Murray's to learn how to do it." 

"Yeah?" 

“1 do rumba, samba, mambo, waltz and 
fox trot." 

“I heard you went to night school.” 

“Not for dancing." 

“How come I never see you around?” 

He shrugged. “I'm around. You go to 
New York.” 

“Why don’t you come over to the house 
for dinner?" 

“Vincent sees me all day.” 

“How about lunch on Sunday? Poppa 

(continued on page 133) 


THE PLAYBOY GALLERY 


Our art selection for this month's Gallery is a 
cartoon by longtime тлүзот contributor 
Eldon Dedini that first appeared in the 
January 1964 issue. As a commentary on 
the moral indignation expressed by prud- 
ish critics of the then-burgeoning Playboy 
Clubs, it was both timely and funny. 
Regrettably, it still is. In recent years, the 
forces of censorship have returned in 
the form of right-wing religionists such as 
the Reverend Jerry Falwell and politicians 
such as Attorney General Edwin Meese. 
As a result, the ax-wielding old biddy is 
just as relevant now as she was in 1964, 
which is to say that maybe things haven't 
changed much after all. The price of free- 
dom of speech is still eternal vigilance. On 
the flip side of our Gallery foldout, there's 
a pulse-quickening photo of film and 
recording star Vanity, taken by photogra- 
pher Daniel Poulin in January 1981, when 
his subject was still known as actress D, D, 
Winters. That was just before rock mega- 
monster Prince discovered her, changed 
her name and produced her first album 
(Vanity 6). Since then, the deliciously sen- 
suous Vanity has split from Prince and 
made admirable career strides on her 
own. Her latest album, Skin on Skin, hit 
the charts last spring, and one track, 
Under the Influence, із the basis for one of 
the hottest videos of the year. Her movie 
career has taken off, too. Her latest film 
role is in the just-released Never Too 
Young to Die, and she also has a sizable 
role in an upcoming Cannon film, 52 Pi 
Up, with Ann-Margret and Roy Scheider. 
If you ask us, however, she'll never look 
better than she does right here. 


— 


А 


THE PLAYBOY ы 


FRiZZIS FAMILY „ааста 


“This was Corrado Prizzi’s granddaughter. But she 
was acting very horny. What was he supposed to do?” 


eats lunch on the don's boat Sundays." 

“Well 

“Where you living?” 

“At the beach,” 

“Did you have a decorator?" 

"What?" 

“That's what I do in New York.” 

"Yeah." 

"Why don't I decorate your apart- 
ment?” 

“Whatta you mean?" 

“I mean the right colors, so—no matter 
how you feel when you walk in or when 
you wake up—when you are there, you 
feel better." 

“Yeah?” 

“You might have to throw out all the 
furnit 


sus, you want colored furniture?” 

he shapes have to harmonize with the 
colors, That's how we lock in the per- 
feet.” 

They danced together every third 
dance, because Маегове appeared beside 
him and asked him to dance. She was 
dancing with her father while Charley 
went to the john. Then he stood with his 
father, who was drinking a root beer and 
watching the dancing. 

Whatta you,” Pop said, "discovering 
ose after all these years?” 

“She's gonna decorate my apartment. 
We gotta meet someplace. Dancing, we're 
holding a mee 

“You're holding all right, * Pop grinned, 
“But it ain't no meeting." 

. 

Macrose went to Charley's ар; 
Sunday morning to see the layc 
toured the four rooms, she made a dozen 
pages of notes and he gave her the keys to 
the apartment. “The whole thing is in 
your hands,” he said, “It’s up to you how 
you fill up this place." 


м 


“We gotta have meetings so I can lay out 
progress reports.” 

“We don't need meetings, Whatever you 
want, do it,” 

“I wanna have meetings.” 


т 


“What s four o'clock? What's wrong 
with the nighttime?” 

“I got things I gotta dı 

Her voice went hard. “You got a girl?" 

He shrugged, He was spending a lot of 
time with a showgirl named Mardell La 
‘Tour from the ino Latino, but that was 
none of Maerose's business. 

“You have to see her one hundred per- 
cent of the nights?” 

“Whenever,” 

“I want you to meet me for dinner 


Thursday night.” She was the immovable 
object. 

Charley couldn't figure out what was 
happening. This was Corrado Prizzi's 
granddaughter. But she was acting very 
horny. What was he supposed to do? Tell 
her to get outta here? This was getting to 
be a tricky situation. Sooner or later, he 
was going to have to talk it over with Pop. 

“That would be great," Charley said re- 
luctantly. 

. 

Maerose had viewed Charley as an 
instrument to further her plans until he 
made it absolutely plain that, as far as he 
was concerned, she shouldn't even have 
existed, She had never been brushed in her 
life. Men fell over themselves if she smiled 
at them, men who didn’t even know she 
was Corrado Prizzi’s granddaughter. 
Charley was falling all over himself to get 
away from her. Until he had turned her 
down flatly for dinner and everything else, 
he had been just another pleasant guy, a 
lightweight who could have been more 
useful than other men because she would 
have been able to build on him when she 
married him, Now she saw he was going to 
take a little training. The thought of his 
resistance was an aphrodisiac, but it also 
cut about 16 feet off her height. 
he didn't believe һе had another 
woman. From what she heard around, 
Charley had always played women very 
casually or in intense bursts. Then, after a 
pause, he moved on. He was probably in 
the burnout phase now, so she would let it 
run its course. But in another way, if he 
wasn't ever going to get the hots for her, it 
could be a problem, She was going to have 
to think about how to heat him up. 

Charley talked to Maerose three times 
when she called during the next two weeks 
to report progress on the apartment, Char- 
ley had always liked Maerose in the way 
the French feel about the queen оГ 
England: with a distantly feudal, hopeless 
fealty and devotion. She was Corrado 
granddaughter, which made her 
not only sacred but maybe even a little 
dangerous, The only time he had ever 
thought about her before she came into his 
life as his interior decorator was as the lit- 
tle kid he remembered dropping bags of 
water on people in the street from the third 
floor of her father’s house, which, to Vin- 
cent, was the funniest thing he'd ever seen 
until she dropped one on him. Her mother 
had been alive then, Charley remembered, 
or else Vincent might have lost his head 
and shot the kid. 

Things had developed differently. She 


wasn't a little kid anymore, and even he 


was beginning to understand that she was 
locking her teeth into him, and if he didn't 
do something about it soon, he would 
never be able to get her to let go. She had 
little presents for him. “Jesus, Mac," he 
would tell her, "I'm supposed to be the 
one who gives you the presents." 

"So? Go ahead.” 

She gave him a cordless telephone for 
his terrace and a natural-noises machine 
for beside his bed. It could m sounds 
like the ocean, waterfalls or rain in two 
strengths. She gave him an electronic 
horse-race analyzer, even though it was a 
known fact that he went to the races only 
once a year, bet only on sure-thing infor- 
mation and never put a bet down away 
from the track, because “Let the civilians 
have it" was the way he saw it. 

He was forced to give her a bottle of per- 
fume, but it was the wrong kind, “Whatta 
you mean, not subtle?” he asked her on the 
telephone. “Either it smells or it don’ 

He had to have lunch with her one Tues- 
day, because she said she had to show him. 
some fabrics. The lunch worked out OK, 
because he was always on the lookout for 
new food ideas, and in the little 5 
joint she found on the Lower West Side in 
New York, he stumbled onto a menu item 
called Crown of Thorns, a nest of spa- 
ghetti woven into an open-topped toque 
d pimientos 
embedded in it. He was going to make it 
for Easter and send it in his mother's name 
to Father Passanante at the rectory at 
Santa Grazia di Traghetto. 

Five days later, she talked him into 
going out to the apartment. The job was 
finished and she said they had to see it 
together, He had to say yes, even though it 
was the middle of the afternoon on a work- 
ing day, because she was insistent about it 
on the telephone and, after all, if she had 
finished the job, she rated it to have him 
look at the work with her, 

Mae was actually glowing the way 
women are supposed to glow when they 
are pregnant, which she absolutely could 
not have been on his account, She was 
wearing something white and filmy, which 
didn't seem right somehow for a raw 
November day as they drove through a 
sleet storm. Riding out in the van with the 
swivel seats, and the two phones, front and 
back, the icebox, the stereo TV and the 
pile carpet, she held a single long- 
stemmed red rose in her hand. “I should 
have it in my teeth," she said, "but we 
couldn't talk.” 


. 

She unlocked the apartment door and 
threw it open upon the small entrance 
hall, which she had done in cream and 
beige. There was a carved V'Sosk throw 
rug in eight shades of caramel and green 
on the floor. The Japanese prints on the 
walls had beige-leather frames. The single 
half wall facing the door held а bowl of 
brown-and-green-silk orchids made in 
‘Taiwan by a Prizzi company. The lighting 


PLAYBOY 


was soft. 

“Is this the right floor?" Charley said. 

"Carry me over the threshold, Char- 
ley," Mae commanded. 

Charley had gone ahead of her into the 
apartment. "Holy Jesus, Mae," he said. 
“You really done a terrific thing here.” 

The old furniture was gone. It had been 
picked up by the Salvation Army, Brand- 
new stuff he had never seen life had 
taken its place, all of it in beautiful, living 
color. “How'd you ever figure out how to 
do this?” 

She was still standing outside the apart- 
ment. “Charley?” 

He turned to face her. 

“Carry me in,” she ordered, 

They stared at each other for seconds 
before he understood what she was really 
‚ He crossed the room and lifted 
arms, Jesus, he thought ran- 
domly, I'm gonna have to work out with 
bar bells, 


He 


ed the door shut and stared 
down at her face, so close to his, her nos- 
trils flaring i id out like a swan's wings, 
her enormous black eyes glazed with lust 
as she stared up at him. So he kissed her 
and she held him there, arms around his 
neck, It wasn't so bad was the sensation he 
got, so, being very h 
prime of his life, he staggered with her into 
the bedroom, laid her down on the bed, 
then he laid her. 

It was tremendous, It was like being 
locked in a n g with 11 boa constric- 
tors. Several times he thought the whole 
ing had fallen on him, His head came 
to а point, then it melted suddenly and 
flopped all over his shoulders and out all 
over the bed. His toes fell off. Then, when 
it was over, it hit him what he had done, 
He had laid a Prizzi and, depending on 
what attitude she took, what was he going 
to do about that? 


. 

"Oh, Charley," she said as they were 
driving across south Brooklyn to Vincent's 
house in Bensonhurst. “Poppa is gonna be 


who made 
the whole Prizzi presence in America 
possible, Со! 's granddaughter 
and the son of ldest friend, hi 
consigliere." 


"Union?" 
"Let's keep it a secret just a little while 
longer. Let's live inside this golden happi- 


ness fo 
tell my fa 
"Are you—are you saying we're en- 
ged, Mae? 

She turned to him with her eyes shining. 
“Isn't that what you wanted? To share one 
life together, for me to have your chil- 


, Mae, everything happened so 
"t really think. It's such а new 


New? What were you thinking about 
you... when you... took me 


wher 


today? Did you think I was just some——” 

“No! No, no. But it happened so fast. 
I'm just saying, yes—you're right—let's 
wait a little while before we tell Vincent.” 

Charley had been living at his father's 
house on 81st Street in Bensonhurst while 
the apartment was being decorated. It was 
the place he thought of as home, where his 
mother had taught him to cook and to re- 
spect the meaning of cleanliness. While he 
waited for Pop to come home, Charley 
made baked tomatoes filled with ancho- 
vies, minced salami, capers and bread 
crumbs, and laid out the cylindrical tubes 
of hard pastry flavored with spice, coffee, 
cocoa and lemon for the cannoli, then 
filled them with ricotta cheese and sugar 
flavored with vanilla, so he and Pop could 
have a light supper while they talked. He 
kept looking at the clock, then he went into 
the living room and vacuumed the tops of 
the moldings and the picture frames, 
because the girl could never seem to 
remember to do that. Pop got home about 
a quarter to eight. He was knocked out 
that Charley had made two of his favorites 
for dinner. 

Charley didn't know how to talk about 
what was happening to him. He couldn't 
get it together at dinner, Afterward, they 
went into the parlor with the overstuffed 
chairs, the lamp shades with the long gold- 
en fringe, the upright piano his mother 
used to play and the beer steins lined up 
all around the room on the shelf that was 
the ceiling molding. 

“Pop? 


“Yeah? 

“1 gotta talk to you.” 

“Whatsa тана?" 

“I been going over it in my head and I 
can't hardly figure out how it happened, 
but 


Maerose thinks her and me is 


"Like engaged to be married." 

“You and Маегове? Well, Jesus, That's 
terrific. What's the problem? 
op, 1—1 don't know how—I mean, 
shit, Pop, one minute we hardly knew each 
other and the next minute she was saying 
how happy Vincent and the don are gonna 
be because we are engaged." 

“Whatta you mean, Charley?” 

“She decorated my apartment. So today 
it was finished, so she said we hadda go 
out and look at it.” 

“So?” 
we looked at it. It was terrific. Then 
‘Carry me across the threshold, 
y.' She was dressed all іп white. She 
had a rose in her hand.” 

“Lil bride?” 

“Yeah. So I lifted her up and carried her 
across—1 closed the door—then I look at 
her and she's getting all hot, so 1 don't 
think, I do what anybody would do, I take 
her in the bedroom and I—yeah.” 

“You mean: d 

"Yeah." 


“And now you are wondering why she 
says you and her is engaged?" 

“Pop, listen ——" 

"What's wrong with being engaged to 
Corrado Prizzi's granddaughter? You'll 
inherit the earth! In a coupla years, you'll 
be boss! Whatta you so edgy about?" 

"I don't love her.” 

*'So you'll get to love her. She's lovable! 
She's gorgeous! She’ s talented! Tell me 
something shea 

“She ain't the woman for me. 1—1°т in 
love with somebody else." 

Pop's jaw dropped, “No kidding?” 

“Would I kid you? About a thing as 
important as this? What am I supposed to 
do?" 

"There are things about cent you 
don't know, Charley. When he was young. 
Believe me, Vincent can be an animal and 
he is all fucked up when it comes to honor. 
‘There was a guy who Vincent said peed on 
his honor who went to the movies. He sits 
n the back row, Vincent grabs the first 
thing he can find, a hammer, and he goes 
inna movichouse, He hits the guy on the 
head with the claw end of the hammer and 
it goes right through. Vincent is very 
touchy when it comes to honor." 

"It don't need to come to that.” 

“The way Vincent is outta. his head 
about honor, that's how the don feels 
about gratitude, only he calls it disloyalty. 
If Maerose tells them she is engaged to 
you, even if she doesn’t say anything about 
how she got engaged to you, then, if you 
try to say you ain't engaged to her, you're 
gonna have Vincent on your ass about 
and the don all over you about dis- 
I don't know which is worse.” 

t dump my main woman, Pop.” 


the Latino. She 


thinks I'm а salesman 
“What's her name?” 
Tour.” 
. 

Charley didn't remember sleeping much 
that night, but he felt too weak to get out of 
bed and read a magazine. His whole life 
had changed. He was stuck with the two 
most beautiful women 


nddaughter 
showgirl. It was too much, no matter 
where he looked at it. If Ttalian-type guys 
should marry I n-type women, then he 
had got himself the most gorgeous, the 
smartest, the best-connected мор dame 
since Edda Mussolini. He couldn't think of 
anything tremendous she didn't have, She 
had class. She had education, she was so 
beautiful it made him nd how she 
ever learned to do what she could do on a 
bed, he didn't want to know. Jesus—blue- 
black hair, eyes like a sex-crazed belly 
dancer crossed with Albert Einstein and a 
body that, although it was different from 
Mardell's, à body so far beyond his 
lifetime ambitions for a body that it made 

(continued on page 165) 


eports 


a timely accounting of timeless principles of personal finance 


article 


By ANDREW TOBIAS 


SPREADS 


the difference between the buying price 
and the selling price makes all the difference 


VERYTHING HAS two pi he price you 
can buy it for and the price you can sell it 
for. In the difference between these two— 
the spread—resides the entire world of 
commerce, Retailing, wholesaling, ga- 
rage-saling—the works. 

In much of the business world, this difference is called 
the markup. On Wall Street, it is the spread. In Paris, Г4 
guess, la différence (whence the cheer of the French broker- 
age community, Vive la différence!). 

This is a column about spreads, with particular refer- 
ence to the higher-priced spreads. Listen up: Your fortune 
is at stake here. 


SPREADING IT THICK 

"The wider the spread, the tougher it is to make money. 

If you're buying a dollar, it costs just a dollar. Same 
with selling a dollar. That's what makes dollars such an 
efficient means of exchange: In everyday transactions, 
there is no spread. Not so if you're buying gold or stocks or 
options or zero-coupon bonds, or if your pension fund is 
buying them for you. 

If you're buying gold (I'll get back to the zero-coupon 
bonds), you would, as I write this, pay $347 for a one- 
ounce bar or sell it for $330. That is the spread— $330 bid, 
$347 asked — courteous and trustworthy outfit 
that specializes in precious metals for the little guy. Check 
around and you may find spreads a little wider or nar- 
rower, but you get the idea. For its trouble and the cost of 
maintaining its toll-free line (800-722-7833), Ruffco takes 
$17 per ounce- out five percent. That's its spread. 

There is also a $15-per-order handling fee, whether you 
buy a single ounce or 50—and if you do buy 50, you may 
be able to shave a few bucks off the spread, so you can sce 
that in the financial world, as in the rest of life, there are 
economy id quantity discounts. 

Add about seven dollars in postage when you trot down 
to the post office to accept your gold bar, which is mailed 
gistered, insured, postage-collect, and you get the total 
price for buying the ounce: $369. Total price for selling it, 
less postage and one percent handling charge: about $320. 

"How's gold?" you shout up to the mythical trader in 
the sky. 


“How much you interested in?" he booms back from 
across the heavens. 

“One big one,” you yell over the din, 

“Twenty to sixty-nine” ($320 bid, $369 asked), he roars, 
figuring you're hip to the jargon, 

Whereupon you have to decide, if you're thinking of 
buying a single ounce of gold, whether it would be smarter 
to buy ten ounces instead and reap economies of scale (it 
costs only three dollars more to mail and insure ten ounces 
than опе)... or to buy without accepting physical deliv- 
ery of the metal (call 800-223-1080 outside New York to 
buy Citibank gold certificates on your Visa or 
MasterCard, with a spread generally less than 50 cents an 
ounce but a three percent commission and an annual stor- 
age charge) . . . or (my favorite) not to buy at all. 

If gold hits $3000 one day, the spread and commissions 
won't have made any difference. In the meantime, though, 
gold would have to rise 15 percent just for you to break 
ng a single ounce through the mail. That is a 
hefty handicap in a world where earning 15 percent on 
your money safely, after tax, takes three years. 

Spreads—and transaction costs such as commissions, 
postage and handling—make life rough for the small 
investor. 

They even make life rough for the big investor. The rea- 
son the average money manager does a little worse than 
average investing the millions or billions entrusted to him 
is that the averages against which he’s measured, such as 
the Dow Jones industrial average and the Standard & 
Poor's 500, have an edge: They're just averages, They do 
no buying or selling, pay no brokerage commissions, suffer 
no spreads. They're even immune from that tiny but annoy- 
ing penny-per-$300 levy you may never even have noticed 
that the Securi and Exchange Commission chips off 
all sales of New York and American stock-exchange stocks. 
A penny per $300 here and a penny per $300 there— 
sell $3900 worth of stock and you're hit for 13 cents—but 
over the course of the year, it mounts up: $37,000,000. 
(Not that the Treasury can't use the extra dough.) 


PENNY STOCKS, MEGASPREADS 


Here is the headline of the March 26 issue of the $150-a- 
year Penny Stock Ventures newsletter: “WHAT YOUR IRA NEEDS 


PLAYBOY 


136 


15 A GOOD PENNY STOCK." That is exactly 
what your IRA doesn't need, of course, 
because penny stocks—typically thought 
of as those selling for less than three 
dollars—are almost invariably risky. If 
you buy them, you're better off buying 
them outside your IRA and filling your 
IRA with more сопа 
hat is becau: at least the way the tax 
laws read as this is written—if a risky 
t does pay off, it will be awarded 
favorable long-term — capital-gains-tax 
treatment outside an IRA (inside an IRA, 
the gain will eventually be fully taxed as 
ordinary income); and if, as is more likely, 
you lose the whole thing, you'll at least be 
able to get Uncle Sam to shoulder some of 
the loss by deducting all or part of it from 
your taxable income (no such deduction is 
ailable for losses suffered under the 
umbrella of an IRA) 

But forget that. What about penny 
stocks themselves? 

On the back page of Penny Stock Ven 
tures (37 Van Reipen Avenue, 
sey 07306) is a list of all its f 
tions since July 1982 
first one, for example, бегі Dev 
(General Devices of ristown, Pennsyl- 


DRINK FOR TASTE, NOT TRENDS. DOS EQUIS vania), is shown as having been two dol- 


А A lars bid when it was recommended іп 1982 
Ask for the smooth, amber taste of Dos Equis. Its not jy and three dollars bid when it was 


a dark, but has more flavor than pale beers. A taste Ж recommended for sale some unspecified 
that towers above the trends. time later, for a gain of 50 percent 

IMPORTED BY MOCTEZUMA IMPORTS IRVINE. CA The thing about the 50 percent gait 
Gen'l Dev., as I'm sure Penny Stock Ven 


vative investments. 


inves 


New 


recommend 


tures would agree, is that it's not really а 
50 percent gain. 

Say you had gone to buy 500 shares 
when it was recommended at two. ‘Two 
was the “bid.” The spread was probably 
something like "two to a quarter," mean- 
ing two dollars a share if you were selling 
but $2.25 if you were buying—and you 
were buying, 

But chances are you would have paid at 
least an 


ighth of a dollar more per 
share—$2.375—because when a little 
stock is recommended in a newsletter and 


the phone starts to ring at the market mak- 
еге trading desk, the market maker does 
what 


SENSTIIO NA 


Join the fun. 112 SIRENS 

pages of sun-soaked 

beauties assembled 

in our latest special SOUTER 
edition, Playboy's 

Girls of Summer "86. 

All in glowing 
full color. 


ny good market maker should: He 
ап increase in der 


and, and unless 


er: he's also getting a lot of calls from people 
wanting to sell, he bumps up the price 
Supply and demand. You know 
Often, by the time you get your crummy 
500 shares, the stock has risen substantial- 
ly. But let's say it was up just an eighth 
© now paid $2.375 a share for the 
stock (not two dollars) 


To order by mall; Send checi 
or money order for $7.50 per 
copy (Includes postage) made 
payable to: Playboy Products, 

Р.О. Box 1554, Elk Grove 
Village, Illinois 60007. Canadian 
residents, add $3.00, full 
amount payable іп US. 
currency on a US. bank only, 
Sorry, no other foreign orders 
can be accepted. 


plus a ec 


sion. "The size of the commission will 
depend on your broker, but let's say he 
had a heart and charged you only $32.50. 
That brings your price per share to $2.44 
w, some time later, the bid has 
1 to three dollars and it is recom- 


climb 
mended for sale. Again the trader's phones 
z » e he's notched the 

T | light up, but this time 
AMES ШИ | ct: down an eighth by the time you reach 
him, and you get, after commission, $2.81 
ct gain before taxes: 15 


a share. cent, 


So the spread and the commissions cut a 
50 percent rise іп the stock—for it had as- 
suredly become 50 percent more expensive 
to buy—to а 15 percent real gain before 
taxe 

‘Today, Сеп? Dev. is “one and a half to 
three quarters"— $1.50 if you want to sell 
it, $1.75 if you want to buy it—while the 
stodgy Dow Jones average, in the same 
time period, has more than doubled and 
has paid three and a half years’ worth of 
dividends besides. But no one ever said 
penny stocks were forever. You get in, take 
your profit and get out. 

Had you invested $1000 in each of the 
81 Penny Stock Ventures recommendations 
featured from July 1982 to March 1986 
sold when sale was recommended (or 
held on if it was not), you would have 
made $31,000 before allowing for spreads 
and с ns but would have barely 
broken even, if that, after, 

One recent recommendation, National 
Superstars, Inc., is quoted three eighths of 
a dollar to five eighths. That's $625 if you 
want to buy 1000 shares, $375 if you want 
to sell them. So if you do buy 1000 shares 
for $655, r commission, and sell them 
Tor $345, after commission, you're down 47 
percent even if the stock holds firm 
(which, given the nature of its busi- 
ness—selling financial-seminar tapes on 
late-night TV—something tells me it may 
not over the long run do). 

1 own some penny stocks—most of 

which, sadly, were not penny stocks when 
1 bought them. One, Offshore Logistics, 
was recommended by a successful invest- 
ment banker in Houston at $27 a share, 
"The spread then was an eighth or a quar- 
ter—12,5 cents or 25 cents a share— 
which, as a percentage of the whole, was 
ificant. 
‘oday, you can buy Offshore Logistics 
(please!) for around $1.25 a share—or sell 
it for 75 cents. The spread has widened to 
half a point—50 cents а share—which 
works out to 40 percent (before commis- 
sions). 

Mystical Question #1. Is it insane to 
buy a stock that would instantly lose 40 
percent in value were you to turn around 
and sell it? Absolutely—untess it goes back to 
$27 someday ( in Sirhan becomes 
New York). 

п #2. How come the 
spre: issues like these is so wide? 
Because the market makers are pigs. 

OK, thats a little 
plays a part in it, too, The wider the 
spread, the less risk the market maker 
takes. 


WHO SETS THE SPREAD? 


On the stock exchanges, prices are set 
more or less by supply and demand, with a 
little help from a fellow called the spe- 
cialist, The specialist chips an eighth of a 
dollar off most trades he's involved with, 
but on a $20 or $40 or $80 stock, who 
cares? That's his cut for taking the risk of 


maintaining an orderly market when buy- 
ers and sellers don’t show up at his post at 
the same time. Not that a specialist ever 
went broke taking that risk, as far as I 
know—specialists mint money—but why 
quibble over an eighth? 

For listed securities, then—stocks and 
bonds traded on the New York and Ameri- 
can stock exchanges—spreads are not 
much of an issue. One guy is offering to 
buy shares at 47%, another is offering to 
sell them at 47%, so the spread is 
described as “an eighth/three eighths.” 
Big deal. 

But there are another 15,000-plus stocks 
and tens of thousands of bond issues 
traded O.T.C.—over the counter. (Well, 
P., really—over the phone.) There 
the spreads can range from an eighth of 
a dollar on a $30 stock like Apple 
Computer—which works out to just half a 
percent—to a nickel spread on a stock like 
Magnum Resources, quoted two cents to 
seven cents. That's two cents if you want 
to sell shares, seven if you want to buy 
thema 250 percent spread. 

Several things determine the spread in a 
security, but the overriding one is volume, 
If lots of shares are being bought and sold 
each day, week in and week out, the spread 
will be narrow, because lots of market 
makers—firms you know, like Merrill 
Lynch, and firms you may not know, like 
‘Troster Singer, and firms you surely don't 
know, like Mayer & Schweitzer—will be 
competing for the business. 

If there are only three or four market 
makers in a stock, they may not beat one 
another over the head to narrow the 
spread. They may even, tacitly or not so 


tacitly, agree that “two to three quarters 
[two dollars bid, $2.75 asked] looks about 
right.” Who's to know? We're talking 
major backwaters in thousands of these 
stocks. Unlike the most actively traded 
over-the-counter issues, whose best bid 
and asked prices are instantly available on 
every brokerage computer screen in the 
capitalist world (and even many of them 
sport gaping spreads), there are 11,000 
scarcely noticed public issues listed only in 
the Pink Sheets each day. 

The Pink Sheets, in this age of instant 
electronic communi аге indeed 
pink, as they have been since the Thirties. 
(The yellow sheets are for corporate bonds 
and the blue sheets for municipal bonds.) 
If a brokerage firm wants to be listed as a 
market maker in the stock of Natural 
Beauty Landscaping, as eight firms not 
long ago did, it just lets the National Quo- 
tation Bureau of Jersey City know by two 
o'clock the prior afternoon and pays the 
bureau 31 cents to list its name and toll- 
free number. (I'm oversimplifying, but 
this is more or less how it works.) Cry not 
for the National Quotation Bureau: That's 
31 cents a line times several market mak- 
ers in each of 15,000 issues every trading 
day; and then $42 a month, plus delivery 
to each of the brokerage offices around the 
country that subscribe—and every office 
does. When you call your broker and ask 
to buy 1000 Natural Beauty, the order he 
writes up gets routed to his firm's trading 
desk, where a very junior trader looks in 
the Pink Sheets to see who the hell has any 
for sale, 

Then, if he's not too busy, he'll call 
three or four of the market makers listed in 


“I don't know what I think of the 
deal. I can't tell if he's actually fucking me 
or just feeling me up.” 


137 


PLAYBOY 


search of the lowest price, as he should, or, 
if he is a little busy, he'll just close his eyes 
and call whichever one his finger lands on. 
Hey, it’s not his money—why should he 
beat his brains out trying to save you $50? 

Some market makers include bid and 
asked prices in the Pink Sheets; others pre- 
fer not to tip their hands. Of the five who 
recently listed prices for Natural Beauty 
Landscaping (the three others chose not 
to), two were asking 12 cents a share, two 
were asking 14 cents and one wanted 15 
cents, "That's if you were buying. If you 
were a seller, one was offering seven cents 
a share, three were offering eight cents and 
опе was offering a dime. 

There's usually less variation; but in 
this case, presumably, your broker's trader 
would, at the very least, call one of the out- 
fits that were asking just 12 cents (Fitzger- 
ald DeArman & Roberts of Kansas City or 
Cutler Hunsaker of Salt Lake City) and 
perhaps check, as well, with the three that 
had not included prices with their li 

‘The firms asking just 12 cents for Natu- 
ral Beauty may have been doing so 
because they had a little more Natural 
Beauty on hand than they would like. The 
firm offering to pay a dime for shares 
(Olsen Payne, also of Salt Lake City) was 
probably in just the opposite spot, It may 
previously һауе sold all the Natural 
Beauty shares it had, and more, and now 
wanted to cover its short position and per- 
haps even get a few shares back on the 
shelf. 

It all sounds capitalist and freewheeling 
in the extreme until you notice how often 
the spreads are (A) wide and (B) virtually 
in lock step among the various market 
makers, the disparate quotes on. Natural 
Beauty notwithstanding. I'm not suggest- 
ing that the spreads are explicitly rigged— 
though, inevitably, some of that goes 
on—but price-fixing need not always be 
explicit. In many thousands of inactively 
traded stocks, it's probably not unfair to 
say, at the least, market makers show little 
interest in taking much risk or rocking the 
boat. 

For example, rather than compete by 
narrowing their spreads and offering the 
best prices, which would benefit you, some 
market makers will entertain the traders at 
your broker's firm with the hope that, 
when you place an order, the trader who 
gets it will t call the guy who took him 
to Dreamgirls—and maybe not bother to 
call anybody else. Hockey tickets, limos, 
champagne . . . one young trader at a 
now-defunct discount brokerage house 
was given such carte blanche that he was 
allegedly able to attract the interest of 
Morgan Fairchild. (A spokesperson for 
Miss Fairchild cannot recall her ever hav- 
ing dated a discount broker.) 

What kind of way is this to do business? 
Far better, some brokerage firms have de- 
cided, to take the payoff themselves—not 
in champagne but in cash payments of as 


much as a nickel a share on every share 
funneled through a particular market 
maker. Market makers call this “paying 
for order flow” and are happy to do it—it 
was their idea to do it—because if the 
orders flow through them, so do the profits. 

One large discount broker, Fidelity Bro- 
kerage Services, was offered a penny and a 
half a share to trade with a large O.T.C. 
market maker, "and that," says a Fidelity 
officer, “was just for openers—but we said 
no; we didn't want to pursue it.” For Fidel- 
ity, that would have been an extra 
$4,000,000 or so annually (or $12,000,000 
at a nickel a share)—pure profit—just for 
directing its O.T.C. trades to a particular 
market maker, 

Other brokerage firms have been unable 
to resist. The rationalization is that, hey, 
the spreads are the same everywhere, so 
why not do business with the firm that 
offers the biggest kickback? 

But if the market makers can afford to 
give back a nickel a share on cach 
spread—even the spreads that are only an 
eighth of a dollar (12.5 cents), as many of 
them are—maybe the spreads are a nickel 
a share too wide. 


ZERO COUPONS 


Spreads are less visible and surely less 
bitched about than commissions, but 
they're often by far the more important 
cost, 

Таке bonds. Many firms will charge you 
as little as $30 or $40 to buy or sell ten 
bonds. If you buy or sell an equivalent 
amount of stock—S10,000 worth—the 
commission could run to $200 or more. 

What you never see on your confirma- 
tion slip, and what many brokers are 
reluctant to disclose even if you ask, is the 
spread. Ask your broker for a price on such 
and such number of bonds, and he will 
respond with a question of his own: Are 
you buying or selling? If you say you'd like 
both prices, the bid and the ask, you're 
likely to be told that his trading desk won't 
give quotes that way. 

Even if it did, and you saw what it was 
really costing you to trade the bonds, how 
likely would you be to open an account at 
another brokerage firm just to shave a few 
bucks off the spread—if you could find 
another broker that would shave the 
spread—and how much could we be talk- 
ing about here, anyway? 

Î called a broker from whom I had pur- 
chased for my Keogh plan $250,000 of 
zero-coupon bonds maturing May 15, 
2007. A Keogh plan is like an IRA for peo- 
ple with income from self-employment; 
zero-coupon bonds pay no interest (zero 
coupon, dummy), and so don’t cost much 
to buy. They are the actively traded off- 
spring of long-term Treasury bonds (never 
mind how they offsprung*), and these par- 
ticular ones cost me $21,450 іп 1985, 
geared to compound at 11,8 percent to 


their glorious quarter-million-dollar ma- 
turity 22 years hence. (Something you buy 
for $21,450 that grows to $250,000 in 22 
years is growing—trust me—at 11.8 per- 
cent, compounded.) 

But now that interest rates had fallen 
and zeros needed only to promise to com- 
pound at nine percent or so to attract buy- 
ers, I could sell mine not for the $21,450 1 
had paid but for around $37,500. At that 
price, a buyer holding on for 21 years until 
the glorious maturity would have seen his 
money compound at a little more than 
nine percent, while 1, meanwhile, would 
have turned a $16,000 profit on $21,450 in 
a year and a half. Not enough to make up 
for Offshore Logistics, perhaps, but some- 
thing. 

Of course, there would be commissions. 
My broker oflered to do the trade “for an 
cighth,” meaning $312.50,** to cover the 
cost of the three minutes he and his trad- 
ing desk would spend handling this 
transaction, But whats $312.50 when 
you're talking about а $16,000 profit? 
(Never mind that it would have been the 
same $312,50 if we had been talking a 
$16,000 loss.) And, really, I'm not being 
fair. The brokerage has $50-a-square- 
foot rent and megamegacomputers and 
$1,000,000 bonuses and a national TV ad 
campaign to pay for. So $312.50 (and 
maybe a similar commission when 1 
bought the bonds) is not so bad. 

But what about the spread? 

“What spread?” my broker grins over 
the phone. 

You've got to understand: My broker 
and I are very good friends. It has given 
me enormous pleasure over the years to 
see his net worth mount. 

“The spread,” 1 persist. 

“Oh, the spread!” he says. “Hold on.” 

My broker has never, ever dealt any- 
thing but fairly with me, but he has put me 
on hold. And even then, he has the ty 
to make me feel as if I'm his only client. 
Sometimes he puts me on hold to exchange 
a few more words with someone else he has 
on hold—he always has calls waiting— 
but sometimes, as now, he puts me on hold 
knowing I’m impatient and am likely to let 
him off the hook. 

“You there?" he comes back half a min- 
ute later. 

"Yeah," I disappoint him. 

“It's a great life if you don't weaken,” 
he says—one of his stock phrases— 
apropos of nothing in particular, which is 
exactly what he hopes we will now dis- 
cuss. 

T's not that he means to conceal the 
spread his firm maintains in trading these 
bonds or avoid the hassle involved in find- 
ing it out, What he hopes to avoid, I think, 
is the inevitable bitching and moaning he 
knows he'll have to sit through, and the 
same old discussion where 1 say the 
spread's outrageous and he says, "Hey, if 
you think it’s an easy business, go ahead— 


WICKEDWILLIE 


-- 
| propose we 

go th Joors Oud 
fool Qround - 


Ок - Әп Hose 
“against.” 


Thats cheat 


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WICKED (ILLE Gay Jo tti ffe 


PLAYBOY 


140 


set up shop yourself." 

“Whats the = 
remind him gently. 

“Oh, ---- you," he says. “Hold on 
This time, I know he means for me to stay 
on the line, silently, while he calls his bond 
trader to find out the spread. 

The spread on these zero-coupon bonds 
turns out to be 45 basis points. A basis 
point, as you may know, is one hundredth 
of one percent. A bond that yields 9.02 
percent is trading one basis point higher 
than a bond that yields only 9.01 percent 
Right? In this case, the brokerage firm 
would sell the bonds at a price that would 
yield the buyer nine percent—or buy them 

t a lower price that would yield 9.45 per- 
cent. I know this can get confusing, but the 
dialog's a snap: 

“Forty-five basis points!" I wail, re 
ing for my calculator. (My broker, I think, 
makes a point of not having one nearby.) 


"hats some spread! What does that 
» 


spread? 


ing 


ch- 


work out to in doll 
“I don't kı 
conv 


jars: 


ow,” he says, handling our 
sation on autopilot. He can talk to 
me and be hypnotized by his computer 


sereen at the same time, 

“Well!” I announce triumphantly, hav- 
¢ yet again caught the brokerage indus- 
ry in its aet, “that's а $3400 spread 
Meaning, they would buy the bonds for 
$3400 less than they would sell them for. 

It is?” mumbles my broker, "Well, 
don't know—it's not a round lot. Th 
spread's narrower with a round lot." 

(With stocks, 100 shares constitute 
round lot. Buy fewer and there's a small 
nuisance charge to pay. With zero-coupon 
bonds, though you can buy them i 
tually any quantity, the really big play- 


vir- 


ers—pension funds and such—deal in 
multiples of $5,000,000.) 

"What's so puny about a quarter- 
million-dollar face value?" I demand. 

“You want to get into this business?" һе 
asks, still on autopilot. “No one's stopping 
you. 

“I mean," I continue, having heard all 
that before, “it’s not as if these were some 
obscure municipal bonds that traded once 
every four months.” (If they were, the bro- 
ker might have to hold them in inventory 
in hope of finding a buyer— 
collecting interest on them all the while.) 
“I mean, these things trade like crazy." (If 
the obscure municipal-bond issue were the 
equivalent of a flight from Allentow 
Pennsylvania, to Omaha, Nebraska—not 
the sort of route much subject to 
discounting—my zeros would be the 
equivalent of New York to Chicago.) 

“You're going to Chi 
chuckles. 

“Oh, forget it.” I give up. 


пісе tr—— 

The spread іп this case was so wide— 
worked out to $37,500 bid, $40,900 
asked—that, given my guess that interest 
rates might continue to decline (and, thus, 
bond prices continue to rise), 1 decided to 
sit tight, Sitting tight, in a world where 
cach transaction clips you for commission, 
spread and taxes, is often a swift 


ауе 


ove 


HOW WIDE SHOULD A SPREAD ВЕ? 


‘The spread on Meyers Parking System, 
Inc., one of the largest parking-lot chains 
in the country, is 22-26, Buy it for $26, sell 
it for $22. Ask your broker to punch it 
up on his computer—NASDAQ symbol 
MPSI—and you'll see. There are six mar- 


“I think you should learn to talk, 
Bubba. Then you can go into broadcasting when your 
playing days are over.” 


ket makers the stock, all presumably 
competing to do trades in Meyers, but the 
spread, as I write, is still four points. Add 
in commissions and, on 100 shares, you've 
got to see Meyers rise from 22 to 27 bid— 
almost 23 percent—before you begin to 
make a dime. If it falls five points 
instead—these things can happen, even in 
the parking business—you're really hurt- 
ing. 

Why so wide? 

With an inactive stock such as Meyers, 
market makers have a couple of factors to 
consider, First, if they buy some from you, 
that ties up c y can sell it. 
With a stock such as Apple, that would be 
maybe three minutes later; with Meyers, it 
could be a week or two, To you or me, buy- 
ing a stock at 22 and selling it, even three 
weeks later at 26, would more than justify 
tying up capital. To turn $22 into $26 
every three weeks, compounded, would be 


to turn $22 into $400 by the end of the 
year. 
But market makers are a suspicious 


bunch, and they figure that if 
wants to buy Meyers Parking 
stock, maybe there's a reason. Maybe 
Meyers is about to anno the 
condominiumization of all its parking 
ts.*** Maybe oil's been discovered bub- 
bling through the macadam underneath 
that 789 LeSabre in the last row on the 
left 

So even though the market makers in 
this stock follow the company pretty 
closely and haven't heard any such rum- 
blings, they're still afraid they'll sell shai 
26—very possibl don't 


»meone 


shares th 
even own, going short—and five minutes 
later, when they try to buy them back, the 


stock will be 50. 

Anything that dramatic rarely hap- 
pens—basically, this is a business of buy- 
ing at 22 and selling at 26—but the wide 
spread is justified by the notion that some- 
day the market makers might actually 
(yes!) suffer a loss on a trade or two. 

Yet if the market maker oc 
gets blind-sided, so may he occ; 
reap a windfall. There he was, having just 
purchased 1000 shares of Meyers at 22 
from a fellow wh 


reason for selling was 
no more perspicacious than that he'd g 
ten sick of waiting for parking-lot stocks to 
catch on as a Wall Street fad, 
needed some cash to pay his taxes, Now, 
when he's expecting to sell it to somebody 
else a few days or weeks later at 26 or so, 
for a $4000 profit, give or take—now th 
news of that oil hits, and now, once it's 
confirmed that the oil is truly bubbling out 
‘of the ground and not just leaking from the 
LeSabre, people are falling all over then 
selves to buy that 1000 shares not at the 22 
he paid or the 26 he had planned to charg 
but at 50. 

So the market's moving up or down, 
sing that 2240-26 spread to move up to 
38 to 43, say, or down to 16 to 19, probably 


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4 


Welcome 


Burroughs Wellcome Со, 


North Carol 386 Burroughs Welcome AH-86:20V 


141 


PLAYBOY 


142 


works in the market maker's favor almost 
as often as it clips him off side. 

Stay in this business long enough, in 
other words, buying at 22 and selling at 
26, and you can put your kids through 
some very nice schools, 


YOUR BOTTOM LINE 


It’s a free country and if, without col- 
lusion, the market makers in O.T.C 
stocks and corporate and municipal and 
zero-coupon bonds want to charge us 
through the nose, well, that’s what makes 
this country great, Somebody's got to pay 
the 25-billion-dollar tab of running the 
brokerage industry. Limos and $300 
lunches and $600,000 trader salaries and 
$111,000 broker ries (that's what the 
average Merrill Lynch rep with two or 
more years’ experience earned in 1985) 
don't come from thin air, The tab is paid 
primarily out of commissions and sprea 
A nickel here, $3400 there. 

And 1 say, more power to them (though, 
if you want to know, even a lot of guys on 
Wall Street think that the largess is getting 
а little out of hand). 

But it’s a free country for you, 100. 

When it comes to mutual funds, for 


example, you are free to avoid those that 
charge sales fees (so-called load funds) in 
favor of those that don't; you may also 
know to beware of so-called 12b-1 funds 
that charge no sales commission up front 
but hit you for an extra percent-and-some 
every year for “distribution costs." 

When it comes to trading stocks, you're 
free to minimize commissions by placing 
your trades through a discount broker—or 
by getting your full-service broker, if y 
do enough business with him or her, to 
knock 50 percent or more off the posted 
rate, 

When it comes to stocks and bonds, 
you're free to complain about the spread. 
Whining is a good idea, too: Sometimes, 
the spread is negotiable. Don't let your 
broker off by accepting the first quote he 
gives—try to get him to get his trader to 
shop around. And, most important, don’t 
invest, in the first place, in a stock or a 
bond (or anything else) that involves a 
wide spread unless you truly understand 
the handicap this places on your chances 
and have reason to think it's a handicap 


worth accepting—as it sometimes is. 


“It's just that there are 120 lawyers in this firm, and 
119 of them are partners.” 


With the best of the thinly traded stocks 
that sport big spreads, it's really as if 
you're buying into a private company. The 
spread between what you could get if you 
did have to sell and what you'd have to pay 
if you insisted on buying out one of the 
partners can be very wide, indeed. Yet d 
spite this illiquidity, this enormous spread, 
some private companies do, indeed, thri 


and, eventually, make their shareholders 
very rich 

With the best of these thinly traded 
ill happen. First, their 


stocks, two things 

prices will rise dran 
as they grow; second, 
become progressively 
grown, their shares become more actively 
traded. 

But your average guy doesn't invest іп 
stocks such as National Superstars for the 
long term; he invests because he can buy 
10,000 shares (gosh, that has a nice ring to 
it) for a mere $6250 (or sell them for 
$3750), and if the stock just hits ten in a 
year or two—is ten a big number? No, itis 
not—he's turned his $6250 into $100,000. 

Lotsa luck, sucker. 


"OK, here's how. The Treasury issues one 
billion dollars’ worth of bonds that promise 
eight percent, let's say, for 30 years—that's 
60 semi-annual interest payments of $40 
each on every $1000 bond, plus a 61st pay- 
ment: your original $1000 back when the 
bond is redeemed, Some big firm like Gold- 
man Sachs buys the entire billion, let's say, 
and “strips them" into 61 separate pieces of 
merchandise, as a chop shop strips a stolen 
car. You want to buy just the 48th semi- 
annual interest payment? OK, you got it. 
Twenty-four years from now, when the Treas 
ury pays it, it will be used by Goldman Sachs 
10 pay off your bond. Until then, nothing. 
That particular piece of merchandise is called 
а 24-year zero-coupon bond. The Treasury 
may have thought of it as “just another god- 
damned $40,000,000 semi-annual interest 
payment we'll have to make on September 1, 
2010—don't forget," but the clever folks at 
Goldman or Salomon or Merrill, in return 
for a пісе spread, turned it into a 
$40,000,000 zero-coupon-bond issue that 
they sold to brokers such as yours or mine to 
sell—with another nice spread—to guys like 
you and me. 

**Bonds are sold in $1000 increments but 
are quoted in cents on the dollar. A bond 
trading at par (face value) is quoted at 100, 
not 1000. So adding “an eighth" makes it 
100.125--81001.25 per bond. Of course, 
my bonds would not be up to par for an- 
other 21 years. They were quoted around 
15—$150 a bond—so adding an eighth 
meant $151.25, Multiply that extra $1.25 
by 250 bonds and you get $312.50. 

That's where the real money in real 
estate is, Residential parking spaces in Bos 
ton's Brimmer Street Garage on Beacon Hill, 
Гт told, have risen from their initial offering 
price of $7000 to more than $50,000 today. 


399 198 SAIs O 

(continued from page 106) 
start to slide. Find this point, then mas- 
sage it, tickle it. 

Former race-car driver Skip Barber, 
who now heads his own racing school in 
Canaan, Connecticut, explains, “The key 
is modulation of braking pressure, keeping 
the wheels rolling to maintain steering but 
just at the threshold of lockup. Back off a 
little if a wheel starts to lock; push а little 
harder if you're short of the threshold.” 

To find that threshold, open your senses 
to what your car is telling you: If the steer- 
ing is light and mushy, your front wheels 
are locking. If the back end swings out of 
line, your rear e sliding. You can 
also hear tires slide even before 


king pressure a bit t 
ething you'd like to 
remember, modulation ns backing off 
little, not a lot, It is not pumping the 
s you might on glare ice. 

Someday, threshold braking may be 
unnecessary, because all cars probably 
will be equipped with electronic or 
mechanical antilocking brake systems 
5.) that are standard on new BMWs, 
tes, Pontiac STEs, most new 
Mercedes-Benzes and certain Audi and 
Lincoln models, With electronic A.B.S., a 
computer senses when any wheel is about 
to lock up and slide because of hard brak- 
ing. It then instantly sends a signal to the 
brake on that wheel to release a little pres- 
sure so that it will keep turning. Thus, in 
an A.B.S.-equipped car, no wheel can ever 
lock up, no matter how slick the surface or 
how hard you stand on the brake pedal 
But threshold braking is the next best 
thing. Find a 

Senior Editor David Stevens—who's in 
charge of PLAYBOY'S automotive features— 
recently attended a BMW/Skip Barber 
Advanced Driving School at Wisconsin's 
Road America race track. Among other 
things, he learned how to threshold brake 
and cut 20 feet from his stopping distance 
from 40 mph, almost matching the 62-foot 
mark set by an A.B.S.-equipped BMW 

Finally, when all else fails and you know 
that you can't avoid ШЕ with ап 
able object, Barber points out that 
à may as well turn the wheel the way 
nt to go and let off the brakes 
ely at the last second.” As soon as you 
ase braking pressure, the front tires 
will regain traction and steer the car ab- 
ruptly whichever way they're pointed. Use 
this technique to take on the ditch or a 
guardrail instead of a truck. 

Next in our new Street Smarts series, 
we're going to teach you winter-driving 
techniques: steering on ice, how to avoid 
getting stuck, etc. Stay tuned 


place to practice 


e hope you have э ир of out oldtime Tennessee whobey sometime soon 


A TRIP TO THE WAREHOUSE is the 
quickest part of the slow, slow way we make 


Jack Daniel's. 


With a knowledgeable driver (and some husky 
barrelmen) we can put this whiskey to rest right 
quick. But chen іс will take years and years to 
reach maturity. And prior to all this, it will have 
dripped in unhurried fashion through room-high 
vats of tightly tamped 
charcoal. Getting Jack 
Daniel’s to the warehouse 
is the fastest part of all. 
But, we assure you, it’s 
the only step where any 
hurrying is allowed. 


CHARCOAL MELLOWED FOR SMOOTHNESS 


143 


` 


“RICHARD LEWIS 


autoneuroticism made easy 


How neurotic is Richard Lewis? He's so neurotic, sa 
his friends, that he makes Woody Allen lik 
Mahatma Gandhi. He el ear "close to 100,000 
things," includi ішайоп attempts, giant Seltzer 


bottles and, of course, social diseases. Until recently, thi 


last phobia almost immobilized him. “I would 
insist, before making love with a date, that we 
sel he say 
ıt despite his fear of rejec (number one on hi 
list), Lewis is now one of the country's hottest stand-up 
comics, His I'm in Pain cable spe ot rave revie 
and his concerts are drawing turn-away crowds. Not that 
he completely enjoys success; “I have trouble takin 
pleasure personal 
Lewis, 36, started out in advertising in М y. He 
ped his stand-up act in New York and moved to 
to join the Sonny and Cher Comedy Hour, a job he 
quit after two weeks. “In one sketch, I played a rutabag 
in a chef's-salad dance number," he recalls. “My own 
mother literally didn't rec 
Lewis makes regular TV appe usually wear 
ing his favorite color, black—and spends much of hi 
screenplays and other material. He's almost 
ıt a stack of yellow legal pads, on which he 
Лапу of them are centered on h 
e life 
in a happy re 
1 that it will dr à sou anguish 
till manic, obvio s. “It's just that no 


sense of calm gnawing at me ERIC ESTR 


NARA олы 


anay 


“ANDY FRIENDLY 


edward r. murrow meets dick clark 


The high-tech TV monitor in the corner of Andy 
Friendly's office plays constantly, usually flooding his 
penthouse suite with the sound of MTV, “I keep it on all 
the time,” he explains. “It’s like video art—like a paint- 
ing, except that it moves 

For Friendly, music video is more than decorative 
The 34-year-old producer has created a weekly hourlong 
TV series, The Rock 'n’ Қ Evening News, which hits 
the airwaves shortly. A combination of slick graphics, 


superstar firepower and neojournalism, the show could 


do for the music business what Entertainment Tonight did 
for show business. Not coincidentally, Friendly pro- 
duced and co-wrote E.T.’s first 52 episodes. 


A second-generation TV whiz, Friendly was born the 


same week as the premiere of See It Now, the documen 


tary show his father, TV pioneer Fred Friendly, pro: 
duced for the legendary Edward R. Murrow. Years later 
his father landed him an interview at WNBC-TV in New 
York, and Friendly found his niche. He hooked up with a 


quirky new talent named Tom Snyder and became one of 


the producers of Snyder's Tomorrow show 
Back in L.A., Friendly earned an Emmy nomination 
for Е.Т. at 30 and then produced Richard Pryor's con- 
cert film Here & Now. “That kind of elevated me to a 
place where 1 could have my own company,” he says. 
Friendly has five other shows in development. “Right 
now, there's a lot of heat on me in this business, and 1 
don't know how long it will last,” he says. “All I need is 
for one of these ideas to stick, and then I can do pretty 


much whatever I want EE 


ROBERT HAYES» 


give “ет shelter 


Growing up on Long Island, Robert Hayes says, “My role models 
were probably closer to John Foster Dulles than to Mother Teresa 
True to his roots, he got a law degree from N.Y.U. and a job with a 
conservative Wall Street firm. Soon, though, the promising young 


attorney started to display deviant behavior; for one thing, he began 


showing up in court to defend the rights of New York's growing pop- 


ulation of homeless men, women 


and children—hardly his natural 


clientele 

The transformation began innocently enough. “People would 
come up to me on the street and ask for a quarter,” Hayes recalls. 
“Га invariably get involved in a conversation with them. All those 
myths I had heard about homeless people, like they're all hopeless 
drunks or mentally ill, were debunked. I concluded that people live 
outside because there's no place to go inside 

Gradually, Hayes, 33, pulled away from corporate law to found 
the National Coalition 
more than 100 churches, 


r the Homeless, a loose confederacy of 


ncies and individuals dedicated to help: 


ing the homeless with food, shelter, research and legal services 


That isn't to say that he has lost touch with his old cronies. “We 


have 15 cases pending around the country, and on almost all of 
them we have prestigious corporate-law firms as counsels. It’s been 
a terrific mixture, because you go in not only with the saints but 
with the established corporate bar. That combination tends to 
impress judges. 

For his dogged persistence, Hayes has earned the enmity of gov 
ernment officials around the country. “One of my favorite quotes is 
from New York mayor Ed Koch, on his last birthday,” he laughs 

His first wish was that Bob Hayes would say something nice 


about him. I've been trying, but I haven't had any suc- 
cess yet — ROBERT P. KEARNEY 


PLAYBOY 


146 


hush puppies (continued from page 110) 


“He considered giving a Valium to Sandy, but it 
would make him feel like Claus von Biilow.” 


The dogs had been a problem since the 
first night. There were three of them, and 
he'd spent at least part of every night lis- 
tening to Sandy complain, often working 
herself into a state of near vapors. When 
they started dating, Paul had thought it 
odd that someone in the Eighties, particu- 
larly an attractive, extremely bright 24- 
year-old, would get the vapors. But Sandy 
did—not often but often enough. Once, he 
caught her using an old-fashioned folding 
fan, just like Searlett O'Hara. Later, he 
got used to her spells and, in time, like so 
many other of her idiosyncrasies, they 
began to seem normal. 

He went downstairs and found 
the kitchen, obviously upset. 
sleep," she said. “It's the dogs.” 

"They are loud," Paul agreed. “There 
must be some acoustical weirdness to liv- 
ing in a cul-de-sac." He put his arm 
ound her and watched her drill four tiny 
holes lamb chop with the vegetable 
peeler. It wasn't a new chop but one left 
over from dinner and retrieved from one of 
the few Hefty bags not on a window. Paul 
knew it was not normal to drill holes in 
lamb chops at three ast, but he also knew 
when to keep his mouth shut. 
idy opened a bottle of Valium. 

Those are my Valiums,” Paul pointed 
өш, watching closely. 

“I know. 
“You're putting them in a lamb chop," 


4 
couldn't 


he 
know," she answered. 

n sure there's a good reason for this, 
but I'm afraid to ask what it is," he said, 
taking a few steps back and si 
step stool, “There is a re 
there?” 

“OF course," she said matter-of-factly. 
“I haven't slept since we moved here, so 
I'm going to drug the dog next door so it 
will stop barking." She paused for effect. 
“I'm pregnant," she reminded him. “I 
need my sleep.” 

aul pondered taking а Valium himself. 
He would have, too, but he was due at 
work in not too many hours, He briefly 
considered giving a Valium—or maybe 
four or five—to Sandy, except that she was 
pregnant and it would make him feel like 
Claus von Bülo: 

“Isn't that a little extreme?" he coun- 
tered, "I mean, you can't go around drug- 
ging the neighborhood dogs every night. 
What if you get caught? What if the dog 
dies?" 

Paul knew that these were stupid ques- 
tions. In Sandy's neurotic universe, sleep 
was high enough on the list of priorities to 
outrank Paul himself, And now, of course, 
she was sleeping for two. Certainly, a dog 


that died so that Sandy and the baby-to-be 
could sleep would not have died in vain. 
Over the three years of their marriage, 
Paul had not only been charmed by such 
logic, he had come to accept it as having a 
certain, albeit twisted, legitimacy. After 
all, a happy Sandy was a joy to live with. 
An unhappy one was not. 

“It won't die," she said exasperatedly. 
"I'm giving it only twenty milligrams. It's 
a big dog, it's right next door and 
loud.” She picked up the chop, looked a 
admiringly and started for the door. 

“I really don't think you should do 
he said, “We barely know our neighbors. 
They might not take kindly to someone's 
drugging their dog." 

It was then that Sandy gave him the 
look. Yt was a look of sadness and vulnera- 
bility that had once caused him to shoplift 
a tin of Almond Roca from a department 
store that wouldn't take any of their cred- 
it cards. Another time, she had given him 
the look at a Bruce Springsteen concert, 
and he had promptly told three burly 
Mexicans in the next row to sit down and 
stop dancing so that his wife could see the 
show. It was a look that said, “Ifyou don't 
take care of me, I'll never be happy again." 

Paul took the chop and reluctantly went 
outside. He fed it through the green chain 
link to the golden retriever next door and 
waited. Twenty minutes later, the dog 
stopped barking, rolled over on its back 
and began snoring peacefully. 

When Paul returned to bed, Sandy was 
still awake. "Well?" she asked. 

“He likes lamb," Paul app Right 
now, he’s snoring away, exposing his geni- 
talia for passing aircraft 


Tl sleep better.” 
id. “Les stupid. I 


You did it for me, silly,” she said, ad- 
justing her uncomfortable frame in the 
bed. “I wish we could do something about 
the other dogs." The two remaining dogs 

ued their chorus as Sandy finally 
drifted off to sleep. 


. 

The next night was not a good one, nor 
were the two after that. The dogs were mak- 
ing Sandy miserable. Her eyes were sur- 
rounded by sad, dark circles, and one day, 
she even called in sick to her job at the 
bank. Before, when she talked of their 
child, whom they had temporarily named 
Zarco, she had brimmed with joy and 
anticipation. Now it was as if little Zarco 
would be better olf in Beirut than here in a 
quiet suburban cul-de-sac, surrounded by 
picturesque woods, near convenient shop- 
ping and, of course, fine schools. They had 
searched for six months, throughout 


almost every neighborhood the city, 
looking at dozens of houses, before they 
found this опе. They had thought of it as a 
dream house. But now, Sandy's only 
dream was of moving. 

Paul tried the Valium trick once more, 
this time using bread instead of meat—it 
was all he could find—but it only seemed 


to make the retriever slur its barks. 
“You didn't give it enough Valium,” 
есі 


bed that night. “A golden retriever i 
dog. You should give it an adult dose. 
“Those are my Valiums,” he reminded 
her in a less-than-friendly tone. “I have to 
call the doctor every time I'm out, and he 
makes me feel like I'm two steps 
from the Betty Ford сі 
to waste my Valium on a dog when 
ing me a nervous breakdown as it 
“I'm pregnant,” she replied sharply, 
counting off her problems on her swollen 
fingers, “I have trash bags on my windows 
nd we're having a housewarming party in 
four days, I've complained to the neigh- 
bors about the dogs and they do not 
have hemorrhoids, 1 look like shi 
house is a disaster and / can't sleep. 
turned away from Paul. “I hope this isn't 
affecting the baby," she said softly, placii 
her hand on her stomach. “I worry about 
that. I really do.” 

Paul stared at the $ cks as he 
searched his mind for a neutral topic, 
“Any chance the Levolors will be hes 
time for the party?" he asked. 

“That's the least of our problems, isn’t 
* she answered. Paul said nothing. He 
counted dog barks to himself. 1t occurred 
to him that the dogs were barking at one 
another, one bark sparking the next, in 
some sort of vicious cycle. A big, heaving 
bark on the right, followed by a high- 
pitched, piercing yap from the little dog in 
the back yard on the left, which seemed to 
trigger a bark from the old German shep- 
herd in the yard next to the small dog. 
Back id forth, back and forth—the 
repetitiveness of it was almost as unbeara- 
ble as the sound itself. Paul kept counting, 
or at least he thought he was counting, 
well into the triple digits, until he awoke 
and noticed that Sandy was no longer in 
the bed. 


Downstairs in the kitchen, he found her 
staring blankly at an array of kitchen sup- 
plies she had lined up on the counter. 
ized bottle 
A large 


Comet. Clorox. An economy 
of Drano. Some silver polish. 
ad of ground chuck. 

d this in a mystery 
“I think some comb 
these is poisonous. 

Paul began to feel sick to his stom 
The idea that he was married to a wom 
who would actually kill a dog did not 
make him happy. It made him feel that 
something was terribly wrong. 

“Please,” he said. "Don't make 
think that you're crazy 

She walked to him 


me 


егу slowly and put 


her head on his shoulder. “I’m not crazy,” 
she said. “I'm just desperate. 

He kissed her lightly on the forehead 
ГЇЇ put every- 


upstairs," he said. 
thing away." 

Sandy had obviously been crying when 
he returned to bed. Paul pretended not to 
notice. “Are you talking to the caterer to- 
day?" he asked. 

She nodded. 

“Do you think he knows how to make 
Dranoburgers? I'm sure our guests will 
love them." 

Sandy laughed, and as they held hands 
under the covers, Paul could feel her 
up with each bark, He watched her moist 
brown eyes but 
When he aw 


"nse 


them. close. 
morning, he 


never saw 
in the 


doubted that she had even blinked. 
. 


Early the next morning, Paul took a 
quick stroll around the cul-de-sac. The 
dogs were still barking—apparently, like 
Sandy, they never slept—and he found it 
impossible to believe that his neighbors 
could sleep through th 

The big, mangy German shepherd at 
the last house had a raspy, old bark. The 
owner had bragged that Shep, the dog's 
woefully unoriginal name, was 14 years 
old. “That's ninety-eight in hum 
years," the an had added by 
Paul had taken heart in that number 

Soon, he told Sandy, Shep would be 
dead. “There will still be two others," she 
answered 

Shep did not take kindly to Paul's pres- 
ence. He hurled his aging body against the 
chain link gate by the driveway in protest 
Maybe if I stand here long enough, the 
dog will knock itself unconscious, thought 
Paul. The more the dog bounced against 
the fence, the more Paul hated it 
mean, ugly, noisy dog, and it was mak- 
ing his wife—his pregnant wife—very 
unhappy. Paul used to like dogs. Now he 
wanted all three 
this one. 

He walked back to his house 
into his Saab, an act th 
infuriate Shep. With on 
dog knocked open the gate and ran to 


onstant noise. 


rot 


wor 


It was a 


gs to die, Especially 


1 got 
seemed to furthe 


push, the 


Paul's car, circling and snapping as dawn 


edged into day. Paul started the engine 
and slowly backed out of his driveway, 
allowing the dog plenty of time to get out 


of the way, He might hate Shep, but 
hi 
in the 


n 
ouldn't knowingly run over an animal 
very shadow of its owner's hc 
He swung 
down to the corner, with the aged dog in 
pursuit 
Saab, there was something creepy about 
an angry ran shepherd, something 
that made Paul feel threatened. It made 
him want to speed up, to watch the dog 
disappear i nirror. Instead, 
he inched along, giving it plenty of time to 
keep up. 

He turned the corner and traveled for 


the car around and headed 


the 


Even within the safety of 


his rearview 


two more blocks, stopping an extra few 
seconds at stor signs, keeping a watchful 


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PLAYBOY 


eye on the mirror. Shep had determina- 
tion, He was still there. 

Finally, Paul stopped and the dog, tired 
and panting, gamely stood up and looked 
in the passenger window, Paul rolled down 
the window a touch to see how angry Shep 
was. Shep responded by attempting 10 
give his hand a slobbery kiss through the 
rack. He opened the door and the dog 
jumped 

“I wish Sandy were here," Paul told the 
dog. “She reads mystery novels. She'd 
know what to do with you.” He put his 
head on the ng wheel to think, and 
cp sat—quietly, for the first time іп 
their brief acquaintanceship—in the pas- 
senger's seat and wheezed. 

“I could let you go in the woods here,” 
Paul continued. “We could see how well 
you fared with the coyotes. I could sell you 
to someone very, very stupid. Or maybe 
the Mafia has junior-grade hit men who 
will handle dogs. . . .” His voice trailed off 
as he pondered his options. 

He felt like a primitive computer, testing 
possible solutions in his head as Shep sat 
peacefully by, unaware that his fate was 
being decided. One idea kept popping up, 
and no matter how many ways he looked 
it, he saw few flaws and the best possible 
outcome, It seemed stupid, since the dog 
was right there in the car and no one knew 
they were together, not to give it a try. 

'aul drove to a veterinarian's office in 
the shopping center he passed every morn- 
ing on his way to work. 

“This is my dog," he told the woman in 
the white uniform, “He's very old, and 
I'm moving into a small condo at the end 
of the month, I've tried to find another 


home for him, but. . . ." 
The woman listened sympathetically. 
“He is old,” 


she said, “And he's much too 
ondominium. 
This isn't easy for me. 
I've had him since I was a teenager." 
“I understand," said the woman. 
“You're only being fair to the dog.” 

“I don't have to stay, do 1?” Paul 
asked. 

"No," said the woman, 
bewildered dog to a 
"Will this be Master 

Paul envisioned 
ONE. MURDER $10, 


handing the 


monthly statement: 
hank God for credit 
cards, he thought as he drove to the car 
wash, where the Saab was scrubbed i 
and out, He felt jumpy 
all sure that his crime w; 


as perfect as it 
scemed. It might be best to tell no one, he 
ndy. 


decided, not even $ 


dy said as the 
b up in front of 
п notice it ear- 


“Your ear looks 
valet pulled the shiny 


‚ wanting very 
“How are 


much to change the 
things going with the caterer? 

“We talked about decorations today. 
We're having red, yellow and green helium 
balloons all over the back yard—don’t ask 


me why; he just sort of talked me into it— 
and he'll be stringing hanging lights from 
the deck to the big oak tree in back.” 

“Sounds OK,” Paul answered absently. 
He still felt vaguely unsettled. He'd never 
been involved іп a hit on a dog before. For 
that matter, he'd never even heard of one. 
u know,” said Sandy, “when we're 
away from that house, I feel very happy. 1 
almost forget how miserable 1 am there.” 
They'd been spending less and less time at 
home lately, eating out virtually every 
night and visiting people they didn't even 
like on weekends. 

"It's not the house, it’s the dogs,” he 
said. "Without them, you'd be happy.” 

She nodded and reached out to squeeze 
Mis hand. “I know I've been hard to live 
with,” she said, "It's just that I'm so tired 
and so concerned about the baby. You 
know that 1 love you." 

It was Paul's turn to nod as they pulled 
into the driveway, past the fliers reading 
LOST DOG that were taped to every lamp- 
post. Sandy didn't notice, but she did hear 
the two remaining dogs barking. She was 
still complaining when they turned out the 
light to go to sleep. 

“It seems a little quieter to me,” 
Paul. 

“I still can't sleep,” said Sandy. 

Paul got up, went to the bathroom and 
got the Valium. He went downstairs and 
searched through the refrigerator for some 
appropriate cut of meat. He found one old 
steal the freezer, frozen as hard as For- 
mica. Maybe ГЇЇ just beat the dog to 
death, he thought, and then eat the 
weapon. He tapped the counter a few 
times with the steak to get the feel of it. He 
imagined headlines in the local newspa- 
"STEAK SLAYER STALKS SUBURBS"; 
T-BONE MURDERS” 

ED MEAT- VIOLENCE LI 

He put the steak in the microwave and 
hit the perkosr button, Then he counted 
out 12 Valiums. “An adult-sized dose for 
an adult-sized bark," he said, looking out 
the window into the moonlit night. 

. 

The caterer was mincing about wildly 
when Paul came home the next evening. 
“This is a disaster,” he moaned, looking at 


said 


Are you Mr. Balloonman?” 
Paul. “Um Mr. Host.” 


“No,” 


late, and I so want your party to be per- 
feet.” 

“PIL settle for B plus,” 
“Where's my wife?" 

“Upstairs, getting dressed," answered the 
caterer. “If you hear gunshots, it’s just me 
killing myself. There are no balloons, and 
we're missing two cases of white w 

“I'm sure you'll think of something,” 
Paul said and headed for the bedroom. 

“Your friend downstairs seems to be in a 
bit of a tizzy,” he told Sandy as she put on 
her make-up in the bathroom. 

“I know. The balloons are late, but 
they're supposed to be here by seven, and 
the liquor store shorted us on a couple of 


said Paul. 


cases of white wine and one case of beer. 
They're bringing it by later." 

"If it's left over, can we return it? 1 have 
a feeling people are going to leave early, if 
they show up at all." 

"You always say that," Sandy said, 
making a wide blue arc around her сус. 
“Besides, I invited the neighbors." 

“That's a staggering bit of news," Paul 
said, genuinely stunned. “I thought you 
hated them and their dogs. 

“I do," she replied logically, “but I 
knew they'd hear the party and it seemed 
impolite not to. Anyway, if we make a 
good impression, maybe they'll put their 
dogs to sleep.” 

Paul winced and turned away. He heard 
the doorbell ring. "Who is it?" yelled the 
caterer. 

“Liquor Locker,” came the reply. 

“Thank God,” said the caterer as 
went downstairs to get a drink, 

‘The guest list was unusually large by 
their standards, mixing several groups of 
people. His co-workers from the ad 
agency, hers from the bank. His parents, 
her parents, A few old friends from college. 
Some neighbors from the old apartment 
and, apparently, some neighbors from the 
new house, 

A few guests had already arrived when 
Mr. Balloonman and his hyperactive 
helium team showed up. Paul greeted 
the guests and watched with amazement 
the number of balloons that were festoon- 
ing his back yard, Either helium balloons 
are very cheap, he thought, or lm spend- 
ing an enormous amount of money. 

His back stiffened when the couple from 
next door appeared. There's nothing like 
drugging your neighbors’ golden retriever 
to make you feel ill at ease, he thought. 

“I'm glad you could come,” said Paul. 
"How are you?" 

"Actually, we're a little sad," answered 
the wife. "Our dog died today.” 

"I'm very sorry," said Paul, who 
ready lightheaded from the 
happened? 

“He must have had a virus,” said the 
husband. “Неа been moping around for 
the past few days, not being himself at all. 
We just didn't think he was that sic) 

"This morning, he never woke up," con- 
tinued the wom He had been vomit- 
ing, but we didn't know it. I feel so guilty 
for not paying attention,” 

“You shouldn't blame yourself," said 
Paul in his most consoling voice. "I heard 
him barking last night, and he sounded fine 
to me.” 

“It's a very sad day for Mrs. Carson, 
100,” the woman said, pointing in the di- 
rection of the last house in the cul-de-sac. 
“Нег dog got out the other day and never 
returned. She's going crazy looking for 
him." 

“Pm sure he'll turn up," said Paul. 

“He's a very old dog,” offered th 
“You just never know what will happen next. 
Like they say, bad news comes in threes.” 

Paul excused himself and quickly 


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use anything other t 


scanned the crowd for Sandy. He dragged 
her aside and—without mentioning his 
own complicity in either case—told her 
that one dog was dead and another miss- 
ing. “There is a God,” she answered and 
urged him not to drink too much, a warn- 
ing that had come too late and would be 
ignored, anyway. Then she bounced hap- 

ily back into the fray, smiling brightly, as 
if she had just received wonderful news. 


. 

“Did I have а good time?" Paul asked 
woozily. 

“Too good, I'd say," replied Sandy as 
she got into bed. “1 hope you enjoyed it, 
because when the baby comes, you're not 
going to have very many cvenings like 
that. You'll be totally useless tomorrow,” 
Jid you have a good time?" he asked, 
sitting on the edge of the bed. 

“Yes, I did. I think everyone did.” 

"Everyone human," added Paul. “Two 
down, one to go." He put his finger to his 
lips. "Shhhhhh. 

In the background was the squeaky lit- 
tle bark of the small dog to their left. 

“Almost perfect?" he asked. 

"Almost," she smiled. “Certainly livable.” 

“Were the owners of the little dog at the 
party? I don't recall seeing them." 

“They're away for the weekend,” she 
answered. “And you were too drunk to see 
or remember anything." 

“At least you'll sleep tonight,” Paul 
said. 

“I will if you either get in bed or leave," 
she said. 

“I'm going down: 
damage, then I'l be up.” 

ШЕ у two Ам, and the caterer 
was long gone, taking with him the lights 
that had hung over the yard. There were 
two bottles of white wine in ice behind the 
bar and, of course, two unopened cases on 
the floor. Paul grabbed a bottle and went 
out to sit on the redwood deck, choosing 
the cl with the best view of the electron- 
ic bug zapper. Не id watched as the 
occasional mosquito and gnat headed 
straight for the ultraviolet light, only to be 
fried with a loud buzz on the electrified 
grid that surrounded the long, glowing 
blue t aul noticed, a 
hearty moth would be drawn to the zap- 
per, tricked onto the grid and jolted sense- 
less but not killed. The moth would try 
again for the light, get stunned once more 
and fall, only to try again and again until 
one last shock sent it falling into the tray 
with all the other dead bugs. 

Besides the buzz of doomed insects, 
Paul listened to the barking of the last dog. 
"The bark had a lonely quality, as if the dog 
were wondering what had happened to the 
voices that used to answer back. Paul had 
drunk half a bottle of wine when he 
decided to approach the dog. 

He wasn't sure what type of dog it was. 
‘The small breeds always confused him. It 
was sort of fluffy and, as he discovered 
when he reached over the white- 
fence, unusually light. “1 could ma 


s to survey the 


to Jersey for twenty-two cents," he told the 
dog. The dog snapped at Paul, almost nip- 
ping him in the face. “Don't ever do that 
to my wife or child," he said, and he 
dropped it the full three feet into its own 
back yard. 

Paul lay down on the grass, looking at 
the moon, watching the dozens of bal- 
loons— their colors changed by the ultravi- 
olet glow of the bug zapper—sway in the 
breeze. He drank a little more wine while 
the dog barked at him incessantly through 
the fence. 

He thought about the dogs that had 
died and about Sandy and embryonic little 
Zarco, but he was much too drunk to come 
to any conclusions. Besides, who could 
think that nonstop yapping? 

Suddenly and unexpectedly, Paul had 
an idea, and without giving it more than a 
second's consideration, he sprang into 
ion. Within minutes, he had collected 
all the balloons and tied them together. 
He carefully grabbed the fluffy little dog 
next door and tied the balloons to its har- 
ness. Then, by the eerie light of the bug 
zapper, he let go. 

The dog rose slowly at first, as if it were 
being pulled straight up by a string. Then 


the balloons caught the breeze and the 
dog, yipping frantically, was carried out 
over the house, over the streetlights and 
toward, it seemed, the moon itself. 

“Sorry, dog,” Paul said. “Bad news 
comes in threes.” 

In his drunkenness, Paul thought that 
the sight of a small, furry dog held aloft by 
dozens of brightly colored balloons sil- 
houetted against the full white moon was 
the prettiest thing he'd ever seen, He 
wanted to wake Sandy to show her, but 
that, of course, would defeat his purpose. 
He watched until the dog disappeared over 
the woods nearby. Even after the balloons 
had dropped from sight, Paul thought he 
heard barking. Then it was quiet. 


was sleeping soundly and bi 
when he slipped beneath the cc 
room was spinning, and Paul felt strange. 

His wife reached out to touch him. “It's 
so nice and quiet now," she said groggily. 
“I feel like everything's going to be OK.” 

Paul immediately felt better and 


promptly joined his wife in the deepest 
sleep he'd had in weeks. 


TALKING CHARCOAL. 


THEY NEED To BE 
REARRANGED А 
LITTLE T THINK. 


149 


PLAYBOY 


150 


PRO FOOTBALL PREVIEW (onua fron 726 > 


“The Rams are certain to be contenders for the N.F.C. 
championship. They could make it to the Super Bowl.” 


this fall. The Lions will be improved, be- 
cause coach Darryl Rogers has a genius for 
getting much out of limited talent. The 
offensive line, led by tackle Lomas Brown, 
is a major plus. The passing attack, with 
veteran quarterback Eric Hipple or rookie 
Chuck Long, will be considerably im- 
proved. The most desperate talent needs are 
a linebacker, a running back and a domi- 
nating defensive lineman, Some of this 
year's rookies should help those problems. 

The good news in Minnesota is that 
Jerry Burns is the new head coach, a job 
he should have been given the first time 
Bud Grant retired. The Vikings have no 
obvious inadequacies, though quarterback 
Tommy Kramer has to get back into his 
pre-injury form. There were many top- 
quality rookies last year (seven were start- 
ers by season's end) and several could 
make big contributions this year, because 
help could be used everywhere except the 
offensive line. The Vikings аге a young 
squad, and they're getting better, With 
Burns at the helm, the future looks bright, 

The Packers seem to have a proclivity 
for 8-8 seasons (last year was their third in 
а row). Head coach Forrest Gregg has re- 
structured his staff with five new assist- 
ants. The Packers! major strength this 


year will be the defense, which has im- 
proved dramatically over the past two 
years. The quarterback position is the key 
problem. As the team goes into pre-season 
drills, no one is a certain starter. Don't be 
surprised if Jim Zorn wins the job. Rookie 
runner Kenneth Davis will be a big hero 
his first season. 

Tampa Bay wasn't as bad last year as its 
2-14 record suggests. The early weeks of 
the season were Suicide Alley, and the 
players were worn out by December. The 
defensive unit desperately needs reinforce- 
ments, but the offense, with runner James 
Wilder, quarterback Steve Young and a 
good offensive line, should score a lot of 
points. The Buccaneers had top priority іп 
last spring's draft and got a bumper crop 
of recruits. 


. 

The Rams һауе improved steadily since 
coach John Robinson took command four 
years ago. They should be even stronger 
this fall, because the talent stockpile is one 
of the league's best. The only apparent de- 
ficiency last fall was the passing game, but 
that was because the running attack, fea- 
turing Eric Dickerson, was so impressive 
that the Rams rarely threw the ball. Look 
for quarterback Dieter Brock to go to the 


“You can't tell me the police don't notice 
something like that!” 


air more often this season. Another big 
plus is the defensive unit. The linebackers 
(especially Jim Collins) and the front line- 
men are among the best in the league. The 
Rams are certain to be contenders for the 
championship. With a little luck, 
they could make it all the way to Р; 
for the Super Bowl next 

Last year, San Francisco suffered the 
disadvantage of all reigning champions— 
it was viewed by every opponent 
team to beat. An inept defensive line 
weak special teams didn't help. This year, 
the 49ers’ offensive unit will again be 
superb, Quarterback Joe Mon 
valuable for his leadership as for his play- 
ing skills. Dwight Clark and Jerry 


WESTERN DIVISION 
NATIONAL FOOTBALL CONFERENCE 


Atlanta Falcons 


top-grade receivers, and Roger Craig is 
one of the league's best runners. If coach 
Bill Walsh can fix the defensive line, this 
could be a big year in San Francisco, 

The Saints always seem to be in the 
middle of rebuilding efforts. This year, the 
construction plans are truly grandiose. A 
new coaching staff, led by Jim Mora, will 
restructure everything except, possibly, 
the defensive line, last year’s only 
ent strength. 
ner and some skilled pass defenders, 

‘The Saints’ best hope for a better future 
(they've never had a winning season) is 
new general manager Jim Finks, the first 
ever to have been given the power by the 
owners to do what has to be done. Finks 
isn't a frustrated coach who doubles as a 
general manager (a past problem in New 
Orleans) but an experienced and intelli 
gent athletics executive, He could be the 
best in his profession. 

Ifyou think New Orleans has problems, 
take a look at Adanta, The Falcons have 
also had a major front-office shake-up, and 
the returning talent is even thinner t 
the Saints’. Gerald Riggs i 
runner and the defensive line 
but there are problems almost e 
else, The key quarterback position is the 
major problem going into pre-season 
drills, and the starter will be newcomer 
Turk Schonert. The Falcons had carly 
choices in last spring's draft, and they 
need all the help they can get. Rookies 
Tony Casillas and Tim Green will double 
the efficiency of the defensive unit, 

. 

The Jets will be the best team in their 
division this year if coach Joe Walton can 
fix the inconsistent play of the offensive 
line. Last year, it was great one week but 
crappy the next. Fortunately, the defensive 
unit is excellent, especially pass rushers 


Joe Klecko and Mark Gastineau. Quarter- 


back Ken O'Brien throws incredibly long 


PLAYBOY 


152 


is bright and very tough, both 
physically and mentally. Another asset is 
the running of Freeman McNeil. The Jets, 
in short, have almost everything in place, 
If they can avoid crippling major 
they'll be Super Bowl contenders. 

Miami's problem is a weak—sometimes 
pathetic—defensive unit. The Dolphins 


EASTERN DIVISION 
AMERICAN FOOTBALL CONFERENCE. 


New York Jets 

Miami Dolphins 

New England Patriots 
Indianapolis Colts 
Buffalo Bills 


won 12 games last year only because the 
explosive passing of quarterback Dan 
Marino scored so many points. A superb 
kicking game, featuring Reggie Roby and 
Faud Reveiz, helped hold off opponents. 
"This year, coach Don Shula's priorities are 


to rebuild the defensive unit and to find an 


explosive running back to complement the 
passing attack. 

The Patriots were an unbelievable 
nderella team during last year's late- 
scason games and play-offs. That will be 
hard act to follow, because it will be diffi- 
cult for them to sneak up on opponents. 
Fortunately, the Patriots have no glaring 
weaknesses. Their major strengths will 
a be the defense (especially the line- 
backers, led by Andre Tippett) and two 
capable quarterbacks, Tony Eason and 
Steve Grogan, who are interchangeable 
without disruption of the offense. The run- 
ning game, led by Craig James, should be 
even better than last year's. 

The Patriots’ disastrous Super Bowl loss 
probably won't have a bad effect on squad 
morale, because the team always bounced 
back after disappointing losses last year. 
The off-season drug scandal, however, 
could be psychologically devastating. 

The Colts did much better last season 
than most observers had predicted, win- 


“1 enjoy smashing their boats, but I don't like 


swallowing the seamen! 


ning five games. The good news for this 
season is that owner Robert 1 will be a 
sruptive factor, because his highly 
ed divorce will be taking up much 
of his time. (There's ibility that his 
wife may be awarded custody of the team 
or that it may be purchased by one of 
eral investment groups interested in bid- 
ding on the franchise.) The bad news is 
that the early-season schedule is a killer. 
The Colts could play very well and still be 
0-5 after five games. The offensive line 
much improved, and the runn 
featuring Randy MeMill 
Wonsley, is very good. The 
pitiful last season, will be vastly improved 
by newcomer Gary Hogeboom. 

Buffalo's new с 
inherits mind-boggling problems. 
quarterback position is unstable, the Bills 
led the league in penalties last season, the 
offensive line is aging and both 
ning attack and the defense a 
ning are poor, After the coaching turmoil 
of the past two years (the Bills won only 
two games last season), the club may settle 
down under Bullough. He is a blue-coll: 
type and a Duffy Daugherty disciple 
whose misplaced metaphors delight. the 
"To rebuild the Bills, he has to 
h better depth of talent every- 
where. Fortunately, Buffalo had early draft 
choices last spring. Its primary need is for 
a power fullback to go with half backs Joe 
ibbs and Greg Bell. 


CENTRAL DIVISION 
AMERICAN FOOTBALL CONFERENCE 
Cleveland Browns 
Cincinnati Bengals, 


Pittsburgh Steelers. 
Houston Oilers. 


"This will be a tossup year in the A.F.C. 
Central Division, Any team could win the 
tide. We think Cleveland has the best 
chance, but don't bet any money on it 
The Browns were close to greatness last 
эп, dominating Miami in the play 
game only to blow it in the last two mi 
utes, This year, offensive coordinator 
Lindy Infante will install a co 
new offense to fully utilize q 
Bernie Kosar's g 
maximum use of 
Newsome. The m 
long-distance re 

Last y 
fense in the t 


id make 
tight end Ozzie 
in need is for a speedy 
ver 


als had their best of- 
am's history. Th: 
largely the result of a superb offensiv 
led by Anthony Muñoz and Dave Rimin 
ton, plus the emergence of quarterback 
nd rookie receiver 
nsive unit, unfortunately, 
is below par. Another problem is the Ben- 
gals’ strange proclivity for miserable early- 
season starts. They don't wake up until 
the first frost, and then it's too late 

suffered from an 


w 


ideally, ciat protleni ont Yes 
; and with a crew of good receivers 


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in camp, the passing game could be excel- 
lent. The 
Frank Pollard may be 
ognized and underrated runner in the 
league. 

The Steelers need a better pass rush 


unning attack will also impro 


the most unrec- 


That problem will be solved if defensive 


end Darryl Sims, a disappointment as a 
first-round draft choice last year, gets his 
act together 

Houston could be the surprise team of 
the league this fall. The Oilers a 
young bunch and have lacked the maturity 
and characterize 
winning teams. The raw talent is as good 
s that made the play- 


a very 


confidence that most 


as that of many te 


The future looks bright. It 
all depends on how soon a new coaching 
staff, headed by Jerry Glanville, can build 
confidence and on how much this year's 
draft choices can contribute. 

. 

Denver has an excellent chance to get to 
the Super Bowl this ycar 
game, with quarterback John Elway and 
receivers Steve Watson and Vance John- 
perb. The running attack needs 
but there are 
obvious deficiencies. The starting line-ups 
stat 
defensive injuries don’t recur, this will be 
the best year in the history of the Denver 


offs last season. 


Its passing 


son, is s 


reinforcements, no other 


are r's crippling 


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A member of the London International Group ple 


franchise. The Broncos have been almost 
great for the past several years. We hav 
hunch that this season, they'll finally 
the jackpot 

The Raiders’ big problems are an uncer- 
tain quarterback situation and an ag 
fensive line. Quarterback Mare Wilson 
has the inside t 


starter last ye 
remarkable condition at the age of 38, 
could reclaim the job. Runner Marcus 


Allen will again be the main offensive 
If the Raiders: make it t 
year, it will be largely due to a defensive 
unit that terrorizes most opponents. Line: 
man Howie Long may be the most 
powering and underpublicized defensive 
player in the league 

А Seattle assistant coach told us, “This 
year, our players are going to suck up their 


weapon this 


er 


WESTERN DIVISION 
AMERICAN FOOTBALL CONFERENCE 


Denver Broncos 
Los Angeles Raiders 
Seattle Seahawks. 
San Diego Chargers 
Kansas City Chiefs 


guts and do what they were supposed to 
have done last year.” They'd better, be- 
cause last year, the Seahawks set an all 
time re ther they 
were unbeatable or they rolled ov 
played dead. Other than solving their psy- 


ond for inconsistency 


and 


chological problems, the only improve- 
ment coach Chuck Knox must make is in 
upgrading the offensive line, where bigger 


players are needed 


For longer than anyone cares to remem- 
ber, the Chargers have had one of the 
weakest defensive units in the league, Each 
year, coach Don Goryell promises to trade 
or to use prime draft choices to solve that 
problem, but it never happens, ‘The pass- 
ing attack, called Air Coryell by its fans, 
has but 
quarterback Dan Fouts's knee problems 
make the future of the high-scoring offense 
questionable. Another problem is a kick- 
ing game that is a little better than me- 
diocre. The Chargers’ п 
nel Ja 
Ray Smith 


been consistently excellent 


» assets are 


all-purpose back Li nes and line- 
backer Billy 
ently hasn't le ed a basic fact tha 
N.F.L. coaches have long re 


great defense and an adequate offense can 


Coryell appar- 
other 


agnized —a 


win a championship. The reverse can be a 
disaster 

The Kansas City team also has a splen- 
did passing attack, with quarterback Bill 


nney and a fleet of great 
Unfortunately, the running game is weak. 
and both lines should be upgraded, An 
dating linebacker would also be a 
Ip. New defensive coordinator Walt 


Corey с 


ivers 


ald solve many problems, but 
talent is needed on both units 
before the Chiefs become competitive. 


VIDEO D U B B І N G (continued from page 69) Б 


“Home copying does, however, raise another philo- 
sophical question. I mean, is it worth the bother?” 


mind is the original dubbing machine. It 
records everything in the memory and can 
reproduce it, with varying quality, at will. 
Do Lowe Whoopi Goldberg a nickel every 
time I think of her and wince? 

e is a proposal afoot to tax VCRs, 
audio dubbing decks, blank cassettes, 
video tapes, etc. This tax would suppos- 
edly replace royalties lost to home tapi 
By that logic, paper and ink should 
been taxed to compensate illiterate ballad- 
cers for their drop in income when man- 
id learned to read. Who would get this. 
? Would it go to the winsome сс- 
lebrities who sing, dance, set their hair on 
fire in Pepsi commercials and otherwise 
work so hard to bring some idle loitering 
into our lives? Some of it would, But more 
would go to corporate executives, lawyers, 
managers, agents and other people who 
amuse anyone, 

electronic gear that makes home 
ig possible (if not the home copying 
itself) is a boon to the entertainment 
industry. There's much more public 
enthu m about movies now than there 
was five years ago. It’s not because the 
movies are better. Home. video. provides 
studios with a new source of profit from 
successful films and allows productions 
that flunked at the box office to n 
money in a second incarnation. The kind 
of person who builds a home tape library 
from dubbed rent the kind of 
person who rents 
fact, goes to mov ters more often 
than a healthy, normal person should. 
And the kind of person who bothers to put 
his LPs on tape cassettes already had 
an untreatable ade 1 record stores. 
Entertainmentindustry executives don't 
want to kill the goose that laid the golden 
egg, exactly. But they would like to give it 
a good shake and see if they can get those 
eggs prescrambled. 

Don't worry. Whatever it says in that 
sinister block of copy at the beginning of 
your rented. video tape, the FBI is not 
going to bust down the rec-room door and 
take hing a second- 
gene 
You can, in the privacy of your home, in 
all good conscience, do what you want 
with electr You've paid 
for the content. It’s yours, like your under- 
pants. Wear it on your head if you like. (Be 
sure to rewind afterward, out of courtesy.) 

Home copying does, however, raise 
another philosophical question, and this 
overshadows law, ethics, morals and every- 
thing. I mean, is it worth the bother? 

1 like to make my own stereo cassettes. I 
take cuts off various LPs and arrange them 


to make theme tap 
Drunk,” “Water Bed Reptile, 
at 100 Mph,” “Big Fight with My сш. 
friend,” etc. I get my records out, spread 
them across the floor, fix a pitcher of mai 
tais, smoke a joint and then step on an 
irreplaceable Country Joe and the Fish 
album. Mai tais and marijuana do nothing 
to increase physical coordination or good 
sense, By the time Гуе finished making 
tapes, I've dropped half my record collec- 
tion and left the other half on top of a hot 
radiator while I pass out on the couch. 
What I get for my efforts is a cassette full 
of songs I heard so many times in the Six- 
ties that T never want to hear them agai 
And these are interrupted by my miscuing 
the tonearm, bumping into the turntable 
and fiddling with the output levels to make 
fancy segues that cut the songs off in mid- 
chorus. Plus, I've recorded everything on 
some kind of strontium-90 oxide cassette 
that makes my ancient tape deck sound 
like Darth Vader singing Volare in a metal 
shower stall. 

I've never tried to copy a video tape. 1 
"t even figure out how to set my VCR's 
al clock. It's been flashing SUN 1200 AM 
for the past two years. 1 finally Scotch- 
taped a sweat sock over the thing so it 
wouldn't drive me nuts while 1 was watch- 
ing The World of Nude Badminton. 

1 consulted my lawyer, who'd already 
told me that this article was going to get 
ne sent to Federal prison. “Sure,” he said, 
“I know how to do it. That's why I bought 
two VCRs in the first place, to make tapes 
for the kids. They'll watch anything, It 
keeps them quie: 

We went over to his house and shooed 


ALLA HAAS 


the kids out of the TV room, which set 
them to screeching like cheap brake shoes. 
“We'd better make this quick,” said my 
lawyer, and he grabbed the first tape that 
came to hand, something called Forms 
for Shut-Ins. "All you have to do,” he said, 
“is take this cord and plug it into here and 
take that cord and plug it into there.” 

He pushed the record button and 
caused an electronic howl that was as loud 
as the kids, who ran back into the TV 
room and howled even louder than that, 
“You're taping over He-Man and the Mas- 
ters of the Universe!” 

I left. My lawyer called a couple of 
hours later and said he had gotten the 
dubbing setup to work; but it turned out 
his kids wouldn't watch anything, espe- 
cially not if it was about tax forms. My 
lawyer also informed me that it was | 
simple to duplicate computer sol 
onto a floppy disc. “Do you want to hear 
about it?” he asked. 

No. I don’t want to hear about any of 

this ever again. I don't want to listen to 
any more garbled cassettes of scratchy old 
Chiffons 45s. I don't want to see any 
more Best of Rich Little on umptcenth- 
generation tape full of glitches and static 
and visual pickles, And I don't want to 
play any more computer games. 
Us easier just to rent a new сору of The 
Color Purple Il: In the Pink or buy а new 
cassette of John Cougar Mellencamp Sings 
Perry Como. And it’s probably cheaper, 
too. And ГЇЇ tell you what's easier and 
more intelligent than that and free, 
besides: Go to the public library and take 
out a book. A book requires no equipment 
to read. You never have to touch its dials. 
You can take a book through airport metal 
detectors 100 times and it won't hurt the 
quality of the literature, And a book is 
guaranteed not to contain Matt Dillon 
leading role or any singing wrestlers. 

Just one thing about that book. Don't 
Xerox it. Books are ghted. 


na 


“And I was so close to orgasm." 


155 


PLAYBOY 


156 


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WINES TO BANK ON 


(continued from page 113) 
the demand for California reds dropped 
California wineries that had had to allo- 
cate their fine cabernet sauvignons and 
chardonnays to retailers in the late Seven- 
ties saw those merchants turn their backs 
on the same wines. After a period of signif- 
icant price escalation for California wines, 
prices first stabilized and then declined 
sharply 

As for imports, it was the fine-wine 
regions of France, particularly Bordeaux, 
Champagne and Burgundy, that bene- 
fited the most and had an uninterrupted 
period of booming sales. The dollar, which 
traded as high as ten francs in 1985 (a 
whopping 150 percent higher than its 
value in 1979), made France's best Bor- 
deaux, champagnes and Burgundies look 
modestly priced 

Today, the dollar, after giving a beating 
to all the 
French franc, the Italian lira, the Spanish 
peseta and the German mark—for the 
past four years, is in full retreat on the i 
ternation market. This m 
that prices have skyrocketed for Europe 
wines. Іп addition, the current trade war 
brewing between the United States and 
the European Common Market may result 
in high tariffs on European wines in retali- 
ation against European tariffs on Ameri- 
can products. Lastly, the increasing wine 
scandals involving lethal chemical addi- 
tives in Austrian and Ital 
ted an era of apprehension on the part 
ny wine consumers, 

In short, the international wine market 
in 1986 is in a state of rapid change. Con- 
sequently, it is essential for wine c 
ers 
to maximize the value of their dollars. 
Here are my guidelines for buying wines 
over the next 12 months. 


major wine currencies—the 


| money 


wines have 


ere 


nsum 


devise an intelligent buying strategy 


CALIFORNIA 


For the immediate future, California 
looks set to make a strong rebound in 
the market place. The 1984 and 1985 crops 
are the best two vintages for California 
since 1974. And prices should remain st 
ble and attractive compared with the 
prices of imports. 

So what California vintages would I buy 
over the next 12 months? For chardonnay, 
the 1983 was maligned by the Californi 
wine press before the grapes were even 
picked. In reality, the vintage produced 
very stylish and lovely chardonnays, par- 
ticularly in Napa Valley. Top producers of 
1983 chardonnay include Sonoma-Cutrer, 


Chalone, De Loach, Cháteau Monte 
tanzas ‚ Trefethen, 
Robert Mondavi's Reserve and / 


All of them are priced betw 
$20 a bottle. For value, Fetzer and Stratford 
nsistently produce delightful chardon- 
nays in the $7.50 to $9 range. The just- 
released 1984 chardonnays from California 
are more opulent, powerful and fruity than 


the more reserved, elegant 1983s. 

California's best cabernets are 
again on the verge of challenging the 
French for market supremacy. The 1982 
vintag turned out fruity, 
mmensely drinkable wines that are per- 
fect for consuming now while waiting for 
the excellent 1984s and classic 1985s to 
become available. The 1984 cabernets, 
deep, ripe, with a creamy richness, are 
well-balanced wines with fruit 
hey should prove to be the best over-all 
vintage for this grape in California since 
the great 1974s. Most of the 1984s will be 
released in the next 12 months. This is a 
must vintage to buy 

In assessing the wines from barrel 
samples I have tasted, I find the follow- 
ing 1984s potentially outstanding: the 
cabernets of Diamond Greek, Ridge's 
Montebello, Ravenswood, Santa Cruz 
Mountain Vineyard, Dunn, William Hill, 
Caymus, Joseph Phelps, Buehler and 
Shafer, Interestingly, many of these winer- 
ies plan to offer prearrival future prices 
la Bordeaux that will be significantly 
lower than the normal suggested retail 
prices. I have generally been opposed to 
buying wine futures from Californ but 
given the quality of these wines in. 1984 
and the high prices that now exist for Bor- 
deaux wines, this may be an opportunity 
to stock up on high-quality cabernet very 
reasonably 


has some 


loaded 


FRANCE 


French wine prices are on a dangerous 
upward spiral. Both red and white Bur- 
gundies have reached levels that 
absurd. I see no reason whatsoever to buy 
white Burgundies such as Meursaults and 
Puligny-Montrachets that are now selling 
for between $25 and $50 a bottle, when 
much better chardonnay’ from California 
and Australia are available at one half to 
one third the price. The situation for red 
Burgundy is much the s 
The area in France that still merits con- 
siderable consumer interest is Bordeaux. 
It remains the leader in the world for 
producing large quantities of superb 
wines. The 1985 vint very good one, 
is now being offered as a wine future, The 
prices asked for these wines, which will not 
be delivered until spring 1988, are approx- 
imately double and sometimes triple the 
prices asked for the very similarly styled 
1981s and the better 1982s. 
it is the largest crop Bordeaux has ever 
had. There are delicious, 
charming wines, but on the assumption 
that one buys Bordeaux futures to sav 
money, it is my belief that the great major- 
ity of 1985s will come onto the market in 
two years at no higher than 20 percent 
above current prices. The exceptions may 
be the small limited-production estates of 
Pomerol and Saint-Emilion, two areas that 
had a much stronger vintage in 1985 than 
elsewhere in Bordeaux. These intens 
sumptuous wines should see a great deal 
futures activity directed their way. 


re 


me 


"urthermore, 


many very 


However, if 1986 turns out to be an even 
vintage for Bordeaux, the high 
prices for 1985 Bordeaux futures may go 
down. Today's Bordeaux bargains 
are not the 1985s or the 1982s but 
the 1979s and the 1981s—two vintages 
that produced very good, stylish, elegant 
ere ignored when the media 
and consumer attention were directed to 
the 1982 vintage. Prices for the 1979s and 
the 1981s, wines that by and large can be 
drunk now, are approximately one half of 
those asked for the 1985 futures and one 
third of those 1982s that remain in stock 
I would look for the following chateaux 
in these vintages: Gruaud-Larose, 
Talbot, Ducru-Beaucaillou, Léoville-Las- 


be 


best 


reat 


wines that y 


two 


Cases, Branaire-Ducru, Giscours, Chasse- 
Spleen and Cos d'Estournel, all of which 
аге making some of Bordcaux's finest 


wines, 

Elsewhere in France, champagne prices, 
like those of Bordeaux, have 
nificantly. However, despite the 
prices for Burgundy, Bordeaux and cham- 
pagne, there are bargains still to be had in 
French wine. The 1985 Beaujolais was a 
great vintage, and one of the best produc- 
s is Georges DuBoeuf, whose wines s 


increased sig- 


high 


at quite reasonable prices of five to eig 
dollars 

Some of France's most distinctive w 
are produced in scenic Alsace on the Ger- 
man border. By and large, they also repr 
nt the greatest white-wine values in all 
urope. From the spicy Gewúrztraminers 
and smoky tokays to the steely rieslings 
and straightforward. pinot bl 
are plenty of top-notch wines at excellent 
prices. In Alsace, 1983 was an outstanding 
vintage, and the market place is loaded 
with thes I would look for bottles 
from such top producers as Pierre Sparr, 
Leon Beyer, Hubert Trimbach, Je 
Hugel, Zind Humbrecht, Dopff and Trion 
Weinbach. Th 
contrary to what many consu 


nes, there 


wines. 


and Domaine se wines, 
ers think, 
are quite dry and taste much more full- 
died and powerful than their counter- 
parts made across the Rhine in € 


from the same varietal grape. 


many 


ITALY 


Italy produces and consumes more wine 
than any other country in the world. How- 
ever, the current internat 
the criminal adulteration of cheap wine 
with lethal cher 
far-reaching elf 
The top producers in Italy m 
wine and for ye 


mal furor ov 


ical additives is havin 


Italian wine sales 
ke majestic 
rs have tried to improve 

at, 
ategy with 
m Italy would be 


ton 


the image of Italy as a producer of gr 
My buying st 
respect to white wine fr 


not cheap wine 


to concentrate on two areas that offer spec- 
The vibrant, zesty, light 
wines of Fruili-Venezia 
п dollars a boule 
have no peers in the world for freshness 
and lightness. These wines, made from 
such grapes as riesling, ribolla, char- 
donnay, pinot grigio and muller thurgau, 


cular values, 
refreshing white 
Giulia at less t 


An sev 


never see an oak barrel and are bottled 
and sold several months after the wines are 
made to retain their vivacity and fresh- 
ne: The 1985s are and the 
1984s are certainly quite good. The 
producers consistently are Gnemiz, Ab- 
bazia di Rosazzo, Borgo Conventi, Felluga 
and Bortoluzzi. 

The other white wines of Italy that offer 
great value are from the scenic countryside 
of Tuscany 
is a dry, 
refreshingly 
ideal complement to fish 
1985s are exc 
Vernaccia and c 
bottle. My favorites are the wines from such 
noteworthy producers as Falchini, Strozzi, 
Pietraserena and Ponte a Rom 

Italy tremendous pr 
with its white wines in recent years, but 


excellent 


best 


Vernaccia di San Gimignano 
medium-bodied wine that is 
and Пау and an 
1 poultry. The 
lent across the board in 


crisp ful 


st less than six dollars a 


ino. 


has made 


the real glories of this country are its 
long-lived reds 


red wines come 


majestic, Italy's greatest 
from Picdmont and the 
best of them are the massive, very tannic, 


rather tough, stern barolos and the more 


elegant, yet no less complex, barba 
Both are made from the nebbiolo grape 


and are not inexpensive. Expect to pay 


So much for making love in a new-moun field of hay. 


from 515 to as much as $45 a bottle for the 
greatest best producers, 
such as Gaja, Giacosa, Ceretto, Каш, 
Gresy, Pio Cesare, Valentino and Aldo 
Conterno. These are world-class wines 
that in a great vintage require a full dec- 
ade of cellaring to reach their summit of 
maturity. A and time- 
consuming way to introduce yourself to 


wines from th 


less expensive 
the glories of the red wines of Piedmont is 
to try a wine called Nebbiolo d'Alb; 
Piedmont's ais, the soft, 
fruity Dolcetto. Both of these wines have 
broad popular appeal in Italy but have yet 
to be discovered by wine enthusiasts in 


nswer to Bear 


this country 


OTHER AREAS 


From Australia, there is a quantity of in- 
creasingly high-quality wine. Traditional- 
ly, the big, high-alcohol reds have been the 
stars here, One suspects that if Rambo 
drank wine, he would drink an Australian 
red. However, with modern wine-making 
technology, the quality of this country's 
white wines has increased dramatically 
Australia is beginning to turn out beauti- 
ful chardonnays that are well under ten 
dollars a bottle, Most of them compete 


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still rather poor, but should vou sce any of 
the chardonnays available from such pro- 
ducers as Tyrrell, Montrose, Rosemount 
Lindeman or Peter Lehman, don't hesitate 
to give them a try. Only the powerful, opu 


a is 


lent Rosemount sells for more than ten 
dollars a bottle. 

South American wines are normally 
relegated by wine merchants to the back 
shelves, but there is one producer from 
Chile that sl 
interest. Chile's best winery, Cousiño 
Macul, is finally 
in many A 
e wines of stunning quality for the 


Ша arouse considerable 


tting deserved distribu- 


ican cities. It produces 


price, The chardonnay at five dollars a 
bottle is produced with modern technol- 


оңу and is a clean, fresh wine with an 
applelike fruitiness. Be sure to try only the 
most recent vintages, 1984 and 1985. The 
regular cabernet sauvignon from Cousiño 


Macul for the same price in vintages such 
as 1981 and 1982 offers another excellent 
value, Its uncomplicated, supple, black- 
defined style 


currant fruitiness and we 


аге a joy to drink. It won't be lo ived 


but for the next two to four years offers a 
great bargain. The best wine from Cou- 
siño Macul is its cabernet sauvignon Anti- 


guas Reservas, This is quality wine 
comparable to very good Bordeaux and 
some of California’s best cabernet 


vignons, It sells for a mere $6.50 a bottle 
Both the 1978 and the 1979 are delicious- 
ly soft, fragrant, complex, rich, well- 
balanced wines that should drink well for 


at least another four or five years. 

Lastly, shrewd wine consumers the 
ant of the fact that 
Spain's best red wines offer, dollar for dol- 
lar, the best red-wine values in the world. 
The two areas that are filled with good 
buys are Rioja and Penedes, both in nort 
ern Spain, One should remember that the 
Spanish style of wine is 


world over are cogi 


more noticeably 


oaky in taste than ot as this has con- 
siderable appeal to the Spanish palate and 
increasing numbers of Americans. In 
Rioja, try one 
Marques de Caceres or Olarra for its mel- 


low, savory, mature fruitiness and toasty 


the red wines from the 


oaky aroma. Neither winery sells any of its 
reds for more than seven dollars a bottle 
In Penedes, the huge Torres Wi 
duces a bevy of great red-wine buys 


four-dol 


ry pro- 


ranging from its low-end. 
lars-a-bottle, fruity, delicious € 
midrange, complex, rich, full-b 
ajestic Black La 
Coronas at $15 a bottle. Vintages are 
rather consistent, but 1978 and 1982 
the two recent ones the local growers con- 


Coronas, to its 


sider the best 

Yes, the world-wide wine market is 
changing considerably; but armed with 
the right facts and an awareness of the top 


values and the top vintages, a consumer 
can still maximize his purchasing power 


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GREGORY HINES 


(continued from page 109) 
said. But at that moment, 1 understood 
something new: Colored me: 


8. 


nt me. 


тлүвоу: What did growing up in show 
business teach you? 

HINES: It was an unmatchable education 
My father used to take my brother and me 
to a club of tap dancers—something like 
the one in The Cotton Club—and we'd 
meet these old greats, who sat around and 
talked about their art and music and sex 
and women. They loved wor 
they'd slept with, women they wanted to 
sleep with, great dancers and singers. As I 
got older, in the Fifties, I noticed that 
these guys stopped talking about sex and 
started talking about drugs, because drugs 
had become the thing. You know, within 
the black show-business community, they 
were everywhere and they were taking 
people out. Also, in those days, black peo 
ple didn’t get to travel much—but we did 
We got to Europe and Las Vegas. Often, 
we were the first black act ever to break 
into a white night club, and that felt won- 
derful 


jen—women 


9. 


pLavvoy: Defend break dancing 

німіз: It's a fantastic, amazing thing. You 
see kids out on the street isolating one 
joint, moving that one joint and then— 
whooze—moving another; it's just breath- 
taking. Shit, 1 wish I could do that. These 
kids do stuff that seems superhuman. 


10. 


тлувоу: What would American popular 
culture be like if black people hadn't bes 
around to save us from Volare and How 
Much Is That Doggie in the Window? 

mixes: Wait a second. The latter's not а 
bad song. It's not within me to think what 
things would be like without black people. 
When I saw Star Wars, 1 remember, half- 
way through it, I realized there were по 
black people in there, and that made me 
uneasy. So, no, I wouldn't like to venture а 
guess about what things would be like 
without black people. I just like to think 
how groovy they are with us. 


тлувоу: A lot of kid performers get to a 
point where they can't stand working any- 
more. Did you have anything like that— 
an early mid-life crisis? 

mixes: When I was 28, At that point, I'd 
been in show business with my family for 
24 years. I'd married my high school 
sweetheart—we had a baby, Daria, a gor- 
geous apartment, everything. One day, I 
woke up and said to myself, “You've never 


done anything on your own; you've always 
been connected to your brother and your 
father. Who are you?” It wasn't that 1 
didn’t love my family—or my wife. My 
first wife is a really fine woman, and we 


coparent our daughter now. But I was just 
miserable, The marriage fell apart. This 
was the time of "Tune in, turn on and drop. 
out,” and I wanted to do all of that. I left 
New York, moved to Venice, Californi; 
played in a rock-jazz band, lived on $40 a 


week, did some drugs, experienced a lot of 
women. After a whole bunch of years of 
this, I met Pamela Koslow, the woman 
I'm now married to. She was a hippie, 
like myself, She 
was also someone who allowed me to be 
completely myself. At a time when my 
family was disapproving of me, Pamela 
said, “Who you are is who I love,” and 
that was just great. We've been together 
since 1973, Three years ago, we had a little 
boy, Zachary 


feminist, a single parent 


12. 


тлувоу: Is it true that whil 
ing in Venice, you joined a mal 
ness-raising group? 

wines: Yup. When my first marriage 
ended—and 1 did an awful lot to make 
that happen—I spent a lot of time staring 
into the mirror and saying, "Either you're 
never going to get married again or you're 
going to try to learn what happened,” 1 
couldn't seem to relate to women as 


you were liv- 
conscious- 


friends. If I wasn't sexually involved with 
a woman, I didn't want to spend time with 
her. Sometimes, I'd meet a great, great 
woman and she'd say, "Let's have lunch." 
And we'd have lunch and Га start hitting 
on her. And she'd say, "Grego 
nice guy, but I'm not turned on by you 
id I just want to be your friend." I was 
ble to work a lot of that thr 
Pamela, who was an important leader of 
ment out in Venice, did 
I have a lot of sympa- 


, you're а 


agh. Also, 


the women's n 


thy for women—for their struggles. 


13. 


тлувоу: You didn't dance in Venice. 
How'd you get back to it? 

nines: By 1978, things weren't going so 
great for me in California. 1 couldn't find 
work as a musician and songwriter; Pa 
ela was supporting us—and I felt terrible 
about that. What's more, my daughter 
had moved East to be with her mother, 
and I felt horrible that I was losing touch 
with her 
January 1978, my brother said, 
back to New York; y 
My mother even bought me a plane ticket 


It was a real down time, So in 
“Come 
1 can live with me." 


I kissed Pamela goodbye and said, "I'll 
send for you as soon as possible.” The day 
1 got to New Ye 
audition for a Broadway-bound musical, 
The Last Minstrel Show. Which, in fact, 
was what it was—the play closed out of 
town. I did get the part, though, for $750 a 


k, my brother got me 


week, and my career was back on course 
After years of not dancing, it was agony to 
get in shape again, but it all paid olf, The 
Last Minstrel Show led to Eubie!, which led 
to Sophisticated Ladies, which led to my 
movie career 


14. 


млувоу: And now, after 36 years іп show 
business, you're finally making it as a film 
star, Is it worth the wait? 

mixes: I'm glad it didn't happen earl 
Being real famous can be weird. When 1 
was a kid, I wanted to be famous, because 
that was a way to get more work—I never 
figured it meant that 1 couldn't have an 
gument with my wife in a restaurant with- 
out a stranger's butting in with, “Hey, you 
were great in Beverly Hills Cop.” 


15. 


PLAVWoY: Movie-star status can make а 
man vain—are you? 

mines: Well, making movie: ive you 
an unhealthy feeling about yourself, When 
1 see myself in a film, I'm so big—it’s im- 
pressive. Happily, my wife keeps me down 
to earth. Once, 1 was doing interviews 
every day and I'd go home and all I'd 
want to do was talk about myself: how 1 
felt about this issue, what my future plans 
were, what I liked and what I didn't. 
Finally, Pamela said, “Honey, I love you a 
Jot, but let's talk about anything but 
you." 


16. 


PLAYBOY: What was the sexiest situation 
you've been in— without having sex? 
німіз: The love scene in The Cotton Club 
with Lonette McKee. She's a lady with a 
really sexy way about her. I had to fight 
get that scene іп the movie. As soon as I 
got the part, 1 Кері saying to Francis 
Coppola, "You've got to write a love scene 
into the black story line.” It would be a 
through for audiences to see a 
k man and a black woman relate to 
each other in a romantic way. You don't 
see that much in movies. When I was a 
kid, I was just dying to sce a black cat up 
there kissing a black woman, a Chinese 
woman, a white woman. I was a black boy 
who was going to be a black man someday, 
and 1 wanted to see me! I mean, you didn't 
see a lot of black men in the movies in the 
first place, and you certainly didn't see a 
lot of warmth and real loving from them. 


17. 


ck roles wouldn't you 


E 


млуноу: Which bl 
do 

wives: I've turned down pimp parts. I 
wouldn't play a drug dealer, either—not 
unless the story had other dimensions. 1 
once read an interview with Charlie 
Mingus, and he, at some point, had 
women working for him. Now, Mingus 
might have been a pimp, but he was also 
great jazz player. If someone wanted to do 
The Charlie Mingus Story, Vd play a pimp 
then—but 1 wouldn't play Charlie the 
pimp. You see, what I'm concerned with is 
doing what hasn't been done before— 
breaking the stereotypes. In Cotton Club, 1 
tried to present a vulnerable black man: a 
real man who was frightened in a frighten- 
ing situation, aroused in an erotic on 
confused, happy—the whole human 


range. If I'm trying to say anything with 
my characters, it's “Look, there's more to 
the black experience than what you've 
seen.” 


18. 


PLAYBOY: Any particular reason you wear 
three earrings in your right ear and none 
in your left? 

mixes: The whole thing started when I was 
living in California. Г was in an elevator 
and Lyle Waggoner, from The Carol Bur- 
nett Show, got on; he had this earring, 
and it looked great. So, about a week later, 
I asked a friend to pierce my car. Then I 
started collecting earrings. And soon I 
pierced some more holes. People are 
always asking me, “What does it mean?” 
The answer is, “I saw this guy with an ear- 
ring and it looked great and this was the 
first time I'd seen a guy with an earring 
who wasn't a sailor in a movie.” 


eravsov: Will Gregory Hines go to any 
length to get a part? We hear you danced 
on producer Robert Evans’ desk in order 
to get cast in The Cotton Club. 

mines: On his coffee table, I was just trying 
to describe to him the potential of my 
character. You know, sometimes people 
who make decisions in Hollywood don't 


have a fantastic imagination, so you have 
to show them stuff concretely 
pens that Evans does have 
nation, but I really wanted that part. 
Evans really wanted Richard Pryor. So 1 
kept calling him up, meeting with him, 
bugging him. I hounded him. He actually. 
got angry with me a couple of times. But, I 
mean, it wasn't as if I scratched his furni- 


ture or anything. I wasn't wearing taps. 1 
was just showing him my art 

20. 
млувоу: Do you believe іп reincarnation 


німіз: Absolutely not. About ten y 
ago, I flew to New York for the funeral of a 
childhood friend who had been murdered 
and went to the place where he was laid 
out. | couldn't believe he was really 
dead—so I reached down into the casket, 
squeezed his arm as hard as I could, dug 
my fingers into him. I kept expecting him 
to scream, to say, “Hey, stop it—you're 
hurting me." Of course, he never did. He 
was dead, and that was all there was to it 
When I worked on Cotton Club, Coppola 
asked me what I wanted to name my char- 
acter. I said, “Delbert,” because that had 
been my friend's name, That was one way 
to make him live again. It was about the 
only way. 


“I can face losing Central America. I never really 
felt it was mine, anyway." 


161 


PLAYBOY 


162 


Why They Love Us (continued from page 90) - 


“It's the last place with beaches and bars and girls 
and everything cheap. This is the last frontier." 


nice people? When my father asked, 1 
said, “Little brown women.’ My wife—I 
hated her, anyway—I told my wife when 
she was 40, I was trading her in for two 20- 
year-old 

The way cooks dream of opening gour- 
met restaurants and bibliophiles devi: 
the ideal bookstore, Fulfer designed his 
h $2000 capital, he found a 
t had never 


Hey 
remembers. 
cried. It 


ime I walked 

ad two barmaids, seven girls. 
Most of them were ugly, couldn't speak 
English and had Filipino boyfriends. I told 


the cashier she was fired. "You can't do 
that,’ she said. And I said, ‘Well, you ain't 
getting paid and you can't stay here, so 1 
ow're fired.’ Then I started slinging 


is a mellow, medium-sized 
with a pool table in front and 
à jukebox that's gone from rock to 
country-and-western records, (“You have 
fewer fights with shitkicker music, 
ley opines.) Behind the b; e half a 
dozen rooms for “short times.” Velvet 
paintings and a shark's jaw ornament the 


bamboo walls, Another ornament—ice- 
cold beer. That's Charley's doing: “To the 
Filipino, a cold beer is a bottle of warm. 
beer and a glass full of ice cubes. You bet- 
ter believe I put an end to that shit fast." 
There are 26 girls, Charley's Angels, and 
seven barmaids, and the house's basic 
nightly goal for each is $100 in beer sales 
and "bar fines,” which management 
charges customers who go outside or out 
back with the girls. 

“The girls don't steal or fuck over their 
customers or hustle," says Charley, "and 
they get their smears on time. I don't care 
if three sisters died and their mother's get- 
ting pregnant, they go to so hygiene 
and they get their smears. Even the bar- 
maids. Even the cherry girls.” 

Lately, Charley thinks he has gone 
about as far as he can go with Heaven. He 
thinks he may try her business or 
another country. But it's hard to picture 
another place that would suit him as well. 
“This is the last frontier," he says, “It's 
the last place with beaches and bars and 
girls and ships coming in and everything 
cheap and you can do what you want. 


Japan's gone, Hong Kong's about gone. 


"It's just not what I expected you to wear 


on our first date... . 


Singapore never 
land and here, Th 


There's ji 
is the last frontic 


BABY, AS LONG AS I GOT A FACE, 
YOU GOT A SEAT 


"Nothing is more important than our 
bases in the Philippines,” President 
Ronald Reagan remarked not long ago. 
Under the current five-year agreement, 
which runs through 1991, it costs the U.S. 
$900,000,000 for the use of Subic Naval 
Base and its companion Clark Air Force 
Base, about 50 miles to the north. The 
Pentagon shudders at the thought of losing 
them ing and at the estimated 
cost: n dollars or more. 
then, though various military func 
could be parceled out and scattered from 
Seoul to Perth, a place such as Subic could 
never be duplicated. 

“We're 21 sailing days from the West 
Coast, 14 more to Gonzo Station in the In- 
dian Ocean and 70 minutes’ flying die 
from the Russian base at Cam Ranh 
a Navy briefing officer remarks. Не talks 
about power in the Indian Ocean, the 
western Pacific, the South Chi He 
points out the strategic straits of 8 
Lombok and Malacca. He gesture 
sparkling bay flanked by the toast-brown 
Zambales Mountains on one side, the 
bulky green shoulders of the Ba 
insula on the other. "We've got room for a 
full Navy to come in here.” 

There are Filipinos, and not 
Communists, who loathe the Ameri- 
can military presence. Lawyer-polit 
human-rights ai José Diokno, 
best-known current critic, believes 
and endanger Filip 
sovereignty and corrupt 
ns with the U.S. Even. Corazón 
Aquino expressed reservations about the 
bases when she campaigned against Ferdi- 
папа Marcos. Whether her high-minded 
doubts will survive when faced with eco- 
nomic realities remains to be se 

And if you want to see economics in ac- 
tion, check out the ship-repair facility, 
where 4500 Filipino emple welders, 
pipe fitters, painters, carpenters and the 
like—some of them third-generation work- 
ers, service 200 ships a year, operating 
huge floating dry docks that can sink 
below a 50,000-ton battleship, then lift it 
out of the water, high and dry. Skilled 
workers earn perhaps $5000 per 
seventh Stateside scale, “It's by 
lowest-paid work force the U.S. 
have anywhere,” sa se employment 
т. "And, base-wide, there are 40 
applications for every vacancy," 

"There's Cubi Point N Air Station. 
More carth was moved for its construction 
than for the Panama Canal, There's the 
naval supply depot, 7,000,000 ие in 
stock, ranging from transistors and diodes 
to gun barrels and 
There's the fenced and closely gua 
naval magazine, with 56 miles of fine 
road weaving through a 9700-acre rain for- 
est dotted with 160 carefully spaced 


егпооп, as if in a 
scene from a postnuclear movie, rhesus 
monkeys wander over grass-covered bunk- 
ers where bullets and bombs repose. 

There's There's housing 
office areas, elementary and high schools, 
xchange store and minimarts, all 
replicating. the confident America of the 
land of softball games and ice- 
nes and beer par- 
ties, ovies, $1.35. haircuts, all 
garnished by an endless supply of 100- 
peso-per-day maids, cooks, vardmen and 

stresses 

an live here the way the British lived. 
days of the raj," a young 
officer tells me. "Гуе got a yardman work- 
ing for me, and 1 don't even have a yard. 
He'd wash my car, but I don't have a car 


ines, In late 


more. and 


a main 


ifties, 


cream parlors, bing 
50-cent 


in India in th 


What he does is, he polishes my shoes." 
Want to see something odd? Want to 
visit the saddest place on earth and son 


final, 
Us 
ing 
only coun- 


times the gladdest and, either way, 
smoking-gun evidence that They Lov 
Here? Drop by the U.S. Navy Reeru 
Station, The Philippines is the 

try where the U.S. is permitted to recruit 
forcigners—400 males per year these days. 
¿very year or so, the station takes applica- 
tions for a month: That month results in 
100,000 inquiries. The rest of the time, 
recruiters shred 300 unsolicited letters a 
day, except for some “classics” that go 
into an office scrapbook: the fellow who 
sent ten applic low 
who sent a Valentine's Day card, the guy 
who wrote that he liked “world-wide ad- 
venture, the dollar, nd possi- 
bilities,” the poor soul who pleaded, “1 
hope through the innermost chamber of 
my heart you will pity me.” 

If you're lucky, they'll let you sit in on 
the English-language-proficiency 
they give their Filipino applicants, 
youths, 


ions in one day, the 


excitement a 


exams 


dozen 
smiling, polite 
«d. One of the 
candidates this morning is a clear winner; 
he was raised in New | 
are adequ here are twic 
ers, though, and you remember them— 
the downcast eyes, hesitations, terrible 
groping silences. You remember the floun- 
dering youth who suddenly burst into 
an irrelevant description of his 
town—gorgeous black-sand beaches un- 
der a towering volcano—followed by an 
unasked-for pacan to "sophisticated inno- 
vations in ships and armaments," and 
everyone kn rattling off some- 
thing he'd mı of the de 
of US. prepara academies 
around the country. “It’s gut wrenching 
сту day,” a reeruiter remarks. “I've had 
them cry, get down on the floor, grab me 
by the knees and refuse to leave. 

Finally, 18-hole Binictican 
f Course, where aborigines, short, dark 
Negritos, live in bamboo thickets just off 
the fairway. Some Negritos work as track- 
ers, escorting Marine patrols, and there 
are stories of their displaying severed 
heads on fence posts. Old stories. 


Three others 


as many los- 


home 


s 


avy ion 


there's the 


These 


days, the golf-course Negritos retrieve er- 
rant balls from а jungle that has kraits, 
vipers, cobras and constrictors. You don't 
own golf balls at Subic; you just lease them 
from Negritos. Old joke. 


SIXTEEN EMPTY MISSILE TUBES 
A MUSHROOM-SHAPED CLOUD 
AND NOW IT'S MILLER TIME 


father Shay Cullen is not smiling 


From the drug-treatment center he runs 
on a bluff overlooking Subic Bay, the 
Columban priest can see the city of 


Olongapo, the naval base, the coast road 
meandering out to Subic City. He can see 
the U.S,S. Enterprise anchored out at 
Cubi Point and there, in the very mouth of 
the harbor, another ship about which he 
has his doubts. It appears to be a freight 
and has a few containers on deck, but 
Father Cullen suspects that it is a nuclear 
laboratory, a kind of atomic Flying Dutch- 
man that never comes to port 

“Olongapo is a city of 255,000 people 
whose livelihood and economic survival 
are based on sex for sale,” he says. “It’s an 
оту controlled by the two percent 
who control everything in the Philippines, 
and it's so tight here, it’s probably just 
one percent. They'll tell you otherwise. 
They'll tell you that base employment is 
what matters 
mate is that there are 
involved in prostitution 
about the m 


ecc 


But our conservative e 
16,000 people 
And then, what 
whom you turn into wait- 
rs and cleanup boys? Where's the pride 
and dignity? And the rest of the popula- 
tion in support services, renting apart- 
ents to girls and sailors so they have a 
al profes- 
cir time 
? And the 
ge 
spending 
humanization, 


servicing quarrels with s 
police turned inte 
keeping the str 
sailors? It’s all a form of d 
an affront to human dignity 

Cullen is rough on Olongapo, skeptical 
of Mayor don's reforms ("basically 
cosmetic") and harshly critical of the 
mayor himself: “He lives in a kind of self- 
induced (The antagonism is 
mutual calls Cullen a Judas 
Iscariot disguised as Jesus Christ.) But 
Cullen's harshest barbs are pointed across 
Shit River 

“The high tradition of the Navy, of offi- 
nd gentlemen, is being debased be- 
lewd attitude, a failure to 
condemn wrong," he says. He thinks the 
Navy should leave, “If bases like this are 
so vital, they should be put in places where 
1 insta- 


а service alsc red to 


fe for fres 


s 


ntasy.”” 


cers 


cause of a 


they're not vulnerable to politics 
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164 


girlfriend while he was taking a knife away 
from her. The woman is asking $5000. 

* A sailor is accused of using his с 
rette to burst balloons that were part of the 
act at a downtown go-go place. Of course, 
he had no way of knowing that the bal- 
loons were filled with helium that 
would burn the dancer's face. He denies 
the whole thing, anyway. Nine hundred 
dollars. 

* A lance corporal off the U.S.S. Pelileu 
recalls hearing that “getting laid was casy 
in Olongapo.” He liked Olongapo fine. He 
liked Subic City even better. He did not 
like the letter he received from a waitress 
as Pepper's, who accused 
(1) taking her virginity, (2) reneging on a 
promise of marriage and (3) giving her 
V.D. He denies everything. She starts by 
asking 527,000. 

No Mesdames Butterfly here. We are in 
the world of “international legal holds,” 
1 kept on base while their cases wind 
their way through the Philippines’ legal 
system. These are American men accused 
of such exotic infractions as grave slander, 
grave oral defamation, slander by deed 
("That's giving someone the bird,” a law- 
yer explains), concubinage and seduction, 
‘There are as many as 500 cases a year like 
these, 
hunting. 
tences, few in conv 
encourages settlement, 
s come up whe 


some valid complaints, some fortune 
Almost none end in jail sen- 
The system 


n has gone more 
n one night with s Lieuten- 
Frank J, Prochaz lawyer. 
y renta place, they set up housekeep- 
ing. Т involved in the rela- 
tionship, Whether or not it's stated, the 
girls get their hopes up of marrying and 
going to the States, and it's that extra е 
tion, even if it’s one-sided, that makes 
things harder, 

Call it the bar girls’ revenge. You can't 
help rooting for them, the odds against 
them being so long, their stories so drearily 
uniform: born in the pro , father a 
farmer/fisherman, family of six/12, came 
to the city to ol/find work, re- 
ting earnings to family that doesn't 
know/doesn't want to know about her. 
pered together out of song lyrics 
ams of mar 


c 
another part of the base, an eloquent but 
despairing black man fights a battle һе 
cannot win against just such a group of 


your husban came 7000 mik 
fall in love 


lor tells a class of more than 20 pretty 


pinos who are parties to the nearly 1000 


required. Іп theory, Tay 
courage second thoughts among hi 
ers. In ‚ he'll settle for first thoughts. 
He quotes figures showing that nine out оГ 
ten of these marria ай. 

“I've got a simple test for you this morn- 


he tells the women. “Three ques- 
What is the full mame of your 
Where was he born? 


tions. 
husband-to-be? 
When is his birthday? I know that 80 per- 
cent of you don't know the answers.” 


Taylor is a performer. He takes to bis 

task like a Southern preacher, winding 
around themes, rolling, crescendoin; 
minishing, doubling back and дай 
strength, 
Six months ago, some of you wouldn't 
ave dreamed of talking to an American. 
'ou'd have walked to the other side of the 
street. But you came to Olongapo, and 
Olongapo is a fantasy city. Its not the 
Philippines you know about. It's not the 
provinces you grew up in. It's a carnival, a 
nd some of you spent more on a 
manicure and a pedicure and a hair style 
to come to this meeting than your family 
earns in a month,” 

Now he turns on the men, the absent 
suitors. Sometimes he adopts a Leon 
Spinks imitation, getting the part of a shuf- 
fling street-corner dude, all shrugs and 
monosyllables. "Your boyfriend thinks 
you're cute, so petite, so small, so cuddly, 
like a Barbie doll. He never had a beau 
ful girlfriend before. He got the ugly, snag- 
gle-toothed girls, the nappy-haired ones 
nobody else wanted. Now he's got himself 
bie doll. He sticks out his arm and 
you fit right under it. He can put his hand 
around your tiny waist. He can sit you on 
his lap and move you from knee to knee, 
just like a doll. But what happens when he 
doesn't want his Barbie doll anymore?" 


ng 


It's heartfelt, decent advice, all of it, and 
mostly in vain. Taylor knows it. The girls 
know it. "You want to go to America," he 


concludes, a trace of despair in his voice. 
“You don't care who buys the ticket. You 
just want to get there." 


LIQUOR IN THE FRONT 
POKER IN THE REAR 


You hear about Subic City from a guy 
named Pete, a burly, balding naval officer. 
* used to live there," he says, "and I 
would go to get a blow job with the same 
casualness with which I'd buy a six-pack 
of beer, and for the same money. What am 
1 going to do back in the States, talking 
about getting sucked off under a table? 
What do you do with yourself when you 
come from a place where you can fuck a 
woman up the ass for two apples and a 
candy bar? It sounds weird, but you just 
have to be there.” 

You hear about Subic City from a bright 
young Navy wife. “I told my husband that 
as long as he doesn’t bring back any di 
cases, if he goes out there for relief while 
in the States, it's all right. If he 
a pretty American girl, or an 
y American girl with brains, I'd be 
worried. But I've been there, and 1 know 
the girls. L.B.F.M.s—litle brown fucking 
machines. 

You hear about Subic City from a guy 
on the Shore Patrol. It's the town where 
anything goes, the bargain shoppers’ para- 


dise. Back in Olongapo, at a place like 
California Jams, a “short time” with a girl 
costs 630 pesos (about $31), Here in Subic 
Gity, you can pop into a room in back of 
the bar for 100 pesos (five dollars). Sex 
shows? By arrangement. Sample blow 
jobs? You name it. A great little minor- 
league town, where the girls are either too 
young or too old to work in the big 
leagues. 

You hear about Subic City from a short, 
bespectacled chap who'd define the term 
nerd anywhere else but who walks like 
Johnny Wadd in the impoverished Philip- 
pines. “Subic City,” he says, “is the home 
of the three-holer.” 

And now, here you are, and it looks like 
a Mexican town, something the Wild 
Bunch might ride into, everything facing a 
main street, with jeepney after jeepney of 
bling out, the smell of barbecue 
mixing with diesel fumes, cute, lively, in- 
credibly foulmouthed girls saying hello 
and asking what ship you're from and 
offering head, and the jukeboxes from a 
dozen bars playing all'at once, and the 
song you notice is Julio and Willie doing 
To All the Girls I've Loved Before, and you 
climb to King Daryl's, where dozens of 
girls await just you, and you take a chair 
right at the edge of the balcony, with a 
King Shit view of the street, and you have 
a beer in one hand and a pork-satay stick 
in the other, and a woman between your 
legs, which are propped up against the 
ing, and you know you have come to a 
magical place, all right, a special magic for 
a 19-year-old Navy kid, the magic of a 
place where anything is possible. And 
cheap. 

You go down a street, past the Urgent 
Inn, past Blow Heaven (SERVICE TO THE 
FLEET), and head for the most notorious 
bar of all: Marilyn's, Where the record for 
short times by one woman in one night is 
27. Where the business card offers, among 
other things, doggy style, “with barking 
and yelping.” Where the girls don't flash 
their teeth when they smile; they show off 
their gums. Want a girl? An orgy? A men- 
thol blow job, cigarette and gum included? 
Or step into the corner with your buddies, 
sit down at the famous table for a game of 
smiles. Drop trousers as you sit. Move- 
ment under the table, a girl or two up to 
no good. And the game of smiles begins. 
The last one to smile wins. 

Even on quiet nights, weekdays, there 
are special entertainments in the land 
where America is loved. Behind the bar at 
Marilyn's, one of the barmaids shows off 
her child, one-year-old Valerie. Who 
waves, smiles, laughs and flicks her litte 
tongue on cue, when her mother whispers, 
“Blow job.” A nativity for Subic. Little 
Valerie. Harbinger of a generation that 
may realize a paradox: that if the base ever 
shuts down and the fleet sails away, it 
won't be because it didn't belong here. It 
will be because it did. 


Врлѕ FAMILY: „аар. > 


“Engaged? To Maerose? She's like a relative to me.’ 
Charley gave God time to strike him down.” 


him want to adjust his clothing whenever 
he thought about it. 

Worse, sitting inside his cup and making 
it runneth over, he thought, was Mardell, 
a mountain of loving movements. She had 
hair like radishes floating in honey, an ass 
you could play handball on, toenails like 
canoe paddles and golden eyes that were 
so big and scared that sometimes when he 
looked at her, he almost busted out crying. 
He lost himself in Mardell and he saw 
himself іп Maerose. Maybe the Arabs 
were right with their rules that it was OK 
to have a couple of wives—but who told 
the wives? That was the kicker—who told 
the wives? 


. 

Charley had to go to Miami to do the 
job on a South American coke manufac- 
turer's — representa named Little 
Jai to. Mardell put up a fuss at his leav- 
ing, so he took her with him. They had res- 
ervations to spend the weekend after he 
did the work at Disney World. 

At eight o'clock in the morning, in Mi- 
ami, Charley installed himself in the pent- 
of the Bolivar across the hall 
to's apartment; they were the 
only two apartments on the floor. He 
changed into a T-shirt and a white jump 
suit, which was what the hotel's handy 
men wore, and, at a quarter to ten, sat ina 
chair and looked through the hole he had 
bored in the door until Jaimito and his 
four bodyguards left the suite and went 
down the hall to the elevator, Charley 
waited ten minutes, then he went across 
the hall and removed the lock from the 
front door of Jaimito's suite. He replaced it 
with a remote-control lock and tested it. 
He went into the suite and put identical 
Jocks tied to the same circuit box into the 
door to the terrace and the only other in- 
side door, which led from the living room 
to a hall that gave access to the bed- 
rooms. 

He hung a po NOT DISTUKA sign on the 
doorknob, put a gas mask over his nose 
and mouth, got up on a light aluminum 
stepladder and fixed the grenades to each 
of the chandeliers at either end of the 
room. They were suspended on release 
wires that were controlled from his circuit 
box, When the grenades were released, 
they would drop to face level and the сор- 
per wire would pull the pins, liberating the 
cyanide gas, 

While he worked, the other door opened 
and a small blonde with black eyebrows 
came into the room wearing a short night- 
gown, She was about 19 and very wise- 
looking. "Whatta you doing up there?" 
she said shary Why you got that thing 
he walked over beside the 


ladder and stared up at him. 

He kicked her on the point of the chin, 
He climbed down from the ladder, 
stripped off her panty hose and used them 
to tie her hands and feet together behind 
her back. He dragged her along the bed- 
room hall to the second bedroom, jammed 
a big ball of tissue into her mouth to keep 
her quiet and dumped her in a closet. He 
returned to the living room and cleaned 
everything up before he took the DO Nor 
pisTURB sign off the door and went back to 
the apartment across the hall at 12:10. 

He waited in the apartment across the 
hall. At 3:20, he could hear Jaimito and his 
men returning, making Spanish noises like 
a pet shop in a fire. Charley broke the 
electronic connection with the door to 
the suite that released the lock, so when the 
goon got there, he said, "Hey, boss, the. 
maid forgot to lock the door.” 

“You guys go in first,” Jaimito said in 
Spanish. 

Charley watched them through the peep- 
hole as all five men disappeared into the 
suite and shut the door, He activated the 
remote electronic locks on all three doors, 
securing them. Then he triggered the chan- 
delier mechanism, which dropped the gre- 
nades and pulled the pins. He waited 20 
minutes, then he slipped the gas mask over 
his face and went into the apartment. The 
five bodies were sprawled around the room, 
оп chairs and on the floor. Charley released 
the lock on the terrace door and opened it 
wide to let the ocean breeze ventilate the 
room, so that when the night chambermaid 
came in to turn the beds down, the air in the 
room wouldn't make her sick. 

He was back at his hotel with Mardell at 
6:30, Mardell was preoccupied, Her voice 


SS 


sounded far away. 
"Did you have a good day at the office?” 
she asked. 
“Very good.” 
“А woman called you today." 


name was Маегоѕе 


He had his back to her. 

“She wanted to know what I was doing in 
your room,” Mardell said. 

“It must have been some crazy woman. 

“She ‚said she was engaged to be married 
to you.” 

He turned to face her. * 

"Yes, 

"She had no right to say that. I never said 
I маз engaged to her.” 

"Who is she, Charley?" Mardell asked as 
if she were talking over a recipe for a ham 
sandwich. 

"She's the granddaughter of the man I 
work for. She's much younger than me.” 

"How much younger? About twenty 
years? Is she nine, Charley?" 

" “Listen—I know her all my life, I mean, 
she's had one of those schoolgirl crushes 
from away back." 

“Then you are not engaged to marry 
her.” 

“Engaged? To Маегоѕе Prizzi? Mar- 
dell—she's like a relative to me.” He gave 
God time to strike him down. “I mean like 
a second cousin or a kid sister.” 

Mardell got into bed, took two pills, 
shaking them out of the vial elaborately 
snapped out the light on her night 
and lay on her side, facing a 
other side of the bed. “Don't talk to me 
anymore, Charley.” 

Charley jammed himself into his paj 
mas and stamped off into the livi 
He dropped into a chair, lit a big cigar a 
stared at a racing form. He was a con- 
demned man. 


"She said that?" 


. 

Macrose appeared to be looking out the 
window of her office, which faced a pleas- 
ant, landscaped back yard behind the 


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double brownstone her company occupied 
in Turtle Bay, but she was looking into her 
mind and seeing Charley. Her face was 
blank, her eyes were like the Xs in the eyes 
of a cartoon character after it has been 
wonked over the head with a fact of life. 
һе couldn't believe it, She had called the 
Prizzi hotel in Miami Beach, she had 
asked for Mr. Charles A. Partanna and a 
woman had answered. 
on the phone.” 
s not here.” 


"Where is he?” 

“He's at his offic 

- of those superior voi 

Charley's office! “Who is this?” 

his is Mrs. Part 
The shock w 

into Maerose's bowels. * 

When did that happen. 

» whom am I speaking?" 

his is Maerose Prizzi. Please remem- 


су sword thrust 
Missus Partanna? 


ber that name, so that you can get it right 
whe 


you tell Mr. Partanna I called. Lam 
tanna's fiancée.” 

s the broad’s turn to take the kick 
ad. Macrose could hear her gasp. 
She could hear her make a light geek 
1. "His fiancée 

"s your name?’ 

“Mardell La Tour. 

“Listen, Miss La Tour. I'm calling from 
New York, or else I'd come over there and 
we could both break a couple of chairs over 
that son of a bitch’s head. When do you 
get back to New York 
“Monday, I suppose. But, really, Miss 
Рила" 

“You and I will have a little talk. ГІ call 


you. 


. 

The moment she hung up on Mardell 
La Tour, Macrose put detectives on Char- 
ley. If he continued to two-time her with 
that woman, she'd break his back. 

She knew from her father that Charley 
was in Miami to handle a problem with a 
chmeck producer, but he had told the 
woman that he had to go to an office, not 
that he would have told her why he was 
there, no matter what; but the point was, 
the woman couldn't be in the environ- 
ent, because any woman in the environ- 
ment knew that men like Charley didn't 
an office when they went to Miami. 

Maerose looked deep into her future 
and knew that she needed Charley. All her 
plans depended on Charley. Finding out 
that he had a woman with him in Miami 
only made the feeling sharper. 


. 

Macrose wore flat-heeled shoes and 
ittle-girl 
r grandfather. She put on a kilt 
ser plaid and a Shetland pull- 
over, then a tartan tam-o"-shanter with a 
chin strap and a big tuft on top. She stared 
at herself in a full-length mirror and won- 

dered how Scottish transvestites dressed. 
The phonograph was playing Vincenzo 
Bellini's 11 Pirata, a Sicilian story. It was 
in the middle of the melting cantilena, 


Pietosa al Padre’, when she entered the 
don's room. Her grandfather smiled at her 
and bowed his head but held up a hand to 
keep her from speaking until the aria was 
finished. Macrose sat down with her feet 
held primly together. 

The room was a replica of the duke's 
bedroom from Corrado Prizzi's boyhood. 
‘There was hardly a space on the wall that 
was not covered with a 19th Century 
painting or an aquatint in a baroque 
frame. The furniture was dark, heavy and 
overstuffed, and everything in the room 
except the don had fringe on it. 

The aria ended. The don stood and 
opened his arms to her. She rushed into 
his embrace—but carefully, because he 
was so small and fragile. 

“Му beautiful girl,” the don said. 
“Come, you must sit down and have a 
cookie, my dear.” 

They sat side by side with a small tab- 
oret holding a heaping plate of Sicilian 
sweets and cookies between them, 


“How good it is to see you,” the don 


wanted you to be the first to have the 
news, Grandfather. I haven't even told 


2” he said delicately. 

“I am going to be married to Charley 
Partanna." 

"Oh! What wonderful news. 
clasped his hands before his tin 
rolled his eyes heavenward. 
most. perfect young people of my life—a 
marriage!" 

“I have come for your blessing.” 

“You have my blessing a thousand 
times, if you аге sure this is what you want 
and that there will be a marriage.” 

“We are sure, Grandfather,” 

“Then we must have a big party a 
make ап announcement, Because И із for 
you—my favorite granddaughter—it will 
be the biggest party people have seen for 
months. At the old Palermo Gardens, Four 
weeks from now?” He held out his hand 
and she kissed it. She left the ro with 


4 


“We started ош together 27 years ago, 
but she engaged in lewd practices to rocket her шау 
up the corporate ladder.” 


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wet eyes. On the phonograph, the quintet, 
and soon the sextet, began to develop with 
comments from the chorus. It was a beau- 
tiful moment. She had nailed ley to 
the stag 


. 

The day after Charley got back to New 
York, a political situation—namely, the 
coming election оГа new mayor—had рге- 
sented dangers to him. Pop, who had peo- 
ple everywhere, had found out that the 
reform candidate intended to go on tel- 
evision and charge Charley with the mur- 
der of a man who was high up in the 
narcotics business. And then the reform 
candidate intended to announce that the 
mayor was a part of the business, too. So 
Pop insisted that Charley get out of town 
He was sent to New Orleans under the 
protection of Gennaro Fustino, the capo 
who handled Texas, Okla- 
homa, New Mexico and southern Arizona, 
who was married to Don Corrado's baby 
sister, Birdie. 

When Charley got to New Orleans, 
Maerose called him from New York. She 
started out cordial 

“Cholly? Mae." 

He leaped out of the chair and took the 
call standing at attention. "Hey, Mae!" 

"How come you didn't call me 

“Well —maybe they told you 
an emergency trip.” 

“I am not going to wait around until 
you get back, Charley. I am coming to 
New Orleans." 

“Mae! Wait! Check it with Pop before 
you make a move. I got a job your uncle 

y 


Louisiana, 


this was 


Gennaro wants me to do. I won't have 
time to sec you—as much as 1 want to." 

"Either this whole thing matters to you 
or it don't. If you won't come to New York, 
I'm going there. And don't try to dummy 
up on me, either, Charley. I talked to that 
woman you took with you to Miami. I'm 
gonna make you drop the other shoe. And 
you know something else 

"What?" 

“I hate big sloppy broads.” 

“Who?” 

“You know who.” 

She may be big, but she ain't sloppy 
And I'd say the same for you, Mae, if any- 
body ever said that about you." 

She slammed the phone down, He was 
bewildered. What did he say wrong? 

. 

Monday at 12 minutes before 
Charley watched Maerose come off the 
ramp from the plane at Moisant airport 
She was wearing a fitted knee-length red- 
wool suit with a black-fox collar and cuffs 
and a zip-front jacket. She wore spike- 
heeled Italian winkle-picker shoes with 
long pointed toes. He had never seen her 
look so gorgeous. SI у 
as she rushed up to him and threw her 
arms around him. “Jeez, Charley,” she 
said, “we gotta catch up.” 

“You gotta be the classiest thing ever 
come into this airport.” 

On the ll-mile ride back into town, 


noon, 


e was smiling bre 


they held hands, but that was all, because 
the driver was an old friend of Vincent's 
and he wouldn't stop talking. When they 


finally got into Charley's hotel room, they 
both started to talk at the same time, 
stopped, then Maerose put her arms 


around his neck, holding on silently. Aft 
a while, they kissed. 


"What's it gonna be, Charley?” 
“Mac—I gotta say it—we aint 
engaged, You know that," 


T didn't come all the way down here to 
have you tell me stul like that, Charley." 

We gotta get this straightened out.” 
Set it straight the right way! You and 
me were meant for each other. We live the 
same way, we think the same way.” Sud- 
denly, she switched to Sicilian. "We speak 
the same language, Charley 

He took a deep breath and exhaled 
slowly. "Yeah. I know. You're right, Mae 
But we're talking about a lifetime, so 1 
can't fool around with your life. We have 
to be sure. Give me two weeks against a 
lifetime, Mae." 

She took him in her arms and pulled 
him toward the bed 

“That'll never work, Charley. It'll just 
go on and on. I saw the don. I told him— 


formally—that you and me are gonna get 
ried.” 
arley's legs gave way 
into a chair beside the bed. 
don that?” 

“He wants to set a date. And after I give 
him a date, he wants to give us a big en- 
gagement party and bring in the people 
from most of the families around the coun- 
а tell him whether it's on or off 
ey. That means you gotta tell me 
Set a date? Jesus, Mae——" 

‘A line has to be drawn, Charley, We 
can't go on and on like this.” 

Charley thought of his father and moth- 
er, He thought of the don and the family 
and how he had never lived outside it, be- 


He dropped 
“You told the 


cause, as far as he was concerned, there 
was nothing outside 11 If only 
Mardell were the kind who would take a 


e family 


bundle of cash and forget the whole thing 
“Yeah,” he said to Macrose, it into 
her eyes. “We gotta set a date 


She kissed him 
your mind, С 
don has told a lot of people 
fath 


“It better be settled in 
ley, because by now the 
Like my 


. 

‘Two days later, in New York, Maerose 
ran a fin the heavy engraving on 
the parchment paper and drank in the 
words that glowed like jewels under her 


ov 


eyes 


Mr. Vincent Prizzi 
of 
New York City 
announces the engagement 
of his daughter 
Miss Macrose Amalia Prizzi 
to 
Mr. Charles Amadeo Partanna 
son of Mr. Angelo Partanna 
of New York City 


(continued overleaf) 


“Is there a psychiatrist іп the house?" 


169 


PLAYBOY 


170 


d the small card that was 
reception at the 
was the 


Maerose ге 
an invitation to the 
Palermo Gardens. It 
clincher 

She folded one copy of the formal an- 
nouncement and stuffed it into a heavy 
cream-colored envelope, then dropped the 
Smiling serenely, she 
sealed it and addressed it to Miss Mardell 
La Tour. She stamped the envelope and 
put it carefully aside in a small drawer of 
her desk before beginning to address the 
other envelopes from the long list at her 
elbow 


absolute 


small card into it 


. 
Four hundred and nine announcements 
id invitations went into the mail, to a net 


guests. All Prizzis, Sesteros and 
єз down to the age of 18 меге 
included. When the list w 
approved and all the invitati 
196 tuxedos were sent to dry с 
around the country, a total of $476,000 
was spent on dresses, furs and hairdos; 83 
advance reservations were made for 137 
stretch limousines, and travel and airlines 
customer-relations people felt a strain. 
There weren't going to be enough 
available suites in the three midtown 
Prizzi-owned hotels, so of the year- 
round tenants were given free, premature 
holidays in the Prizzi hotels in Miami, 
Atlantic City or Las Vegas—the spa of 
their choice—together with $500 worth of 


chips. They went out; the guests went in. 
Eight judges and three Congressmen, 
feeling sufficiently anonymous in a crowd 
of that size, had accepted with pleasure. 
‘Two Cabinet members, 11 U.S. Senators 
and the White House sent their wives or 
secretaries out into the stores in Washing- 
ton to select suitable engagement presents 
In all, 419 invitees spent $405,289 on gifts 
for the young couple; a future boss of the 
Prizzi family was going to marry the 
granddaughter of Corrado Pr 
utenant Davey Hanly and the entire 
rough squad accepted invitations as to- 
kens of the New York Police Department. 
The mayor of New York personally pro- 
vided the motorcyc ort to take the 


e 


“In about four seconds—the ultimate experience.” 


bride-to-be and her father to the reception, tri firm it up in her mind, but now house. They were waiting for him. The 
ind he also pledged to her and to her that she thought about it, it was all kind of front door opened and they were all 
fiancé a seven-year lease on a six-room — vague. He yulled her onto the bed, dressed to go. Maerose was dressed more 


1 his arms and said—maybe she beautifully than even she had ever been 
herself, she kne 
ng part of remember much after they got into bed. һе had never seen her wearing this kind of 
But he knew the eng 
The principal families of the frate llanza announced, because he knew she had told and the hair like a helmet. Charley kissed 
on the cheek. She stayed hanging 


apartment in the new luxury Garden held her 


she couldn't dressed in her life, or maybe it was because 


Grove apartments, which were rapidly маз ki 


being constructed in an eme 


the city, even if it wasn't Brook gement was officially long dress with all the bare everywhere 


from across the nation sent contingents. In her grandfather, so he should have known Ма 


addition to the more spectacular guests, that the woman had to be thrown there after he finished, as if she were wait- 
the third generation of Prizzis, Sesteros Everybody knew Charley was ing for something more. They went out to 
and Garrones, the strictly legiti mate mem- damn dummy where women were con- the car. Both men were wearing tuxedos 
bers of the family, had to be accommo- cerned, and she had been willing to make ouple of waiters. 


owance for that. Her second rose sat between the men inside the 


dated. ause each one of them knew — every 


there was no way get out of attend: thoughts were that Charley didn't deserve us tonneau and listened to Char- 


the engagement party of Maerose Pr to live, He had dishonored himself, and by lence, interpreting it as indifference 


Maer didn't sleep much. She kept — dishonoring her, he ad dishonored the the biggest night of their lives so far 
sippir ipagne all through the work — Prizzis. She decided the quickest way to and she was getting no vibes from Charley 
of planning, so she didn't eat much. She have the job done on Charley was to tell just cold waves. She knew she hadn't won 
wasn't really physically ready for it when, her father. She knew her father. He would She would be standing there for the rest of 
ten days before the e ment party was get ош a contract on ( harley. Charley her life with an armful of cold fish 
to happen, the people she had following wouldn't last two days after she finished There was time to think. Her contin 


Charley reported that he had gone directly massaging her father, but even while she gency plan was flexible. Maerose stared at 


from his New Orleans plane connection to was thinking that way, she knew she her dreams: having Charley, running the 


Mardell La Tour's apartment and had couldn't let anybody give it to Charley. If legit. operation, dominating the family 


been spending every night there her plan to take over the family was going across the board, from the street side to 
That really did it. Maerose's wig tow she needed Charley. He was her the board rooms—with Charley at her 
ntrolled ticket to the whole th 
ge her about Mardell 


of doing something irreversible her in her plans for he 


slipped. She went into a kind « z. But if he resisted side. But if she could not swing Charley 


hysteria that pulled her closer to the ed ld he also resist over to her side, then she could also have 


future? Damn! overrated the case with which she could 
She couldn't believe the written report . take over the Prizzi family. The one thing 


that she held in her hands and read over cops of the escort were talk- naturally followed the other. The first 


and over. In New Orleans, he had looked ing together on the street in front of Vin- thing was the absolute measure of the aco- 
her in the eye and renounced the woman. cent's house when Charley got out of the ond. If she went along with what was set 


That was how she remembered it. She stretched саг and went up the walk to the up for them tonight, none of it was ever 


Never Tasted 
Better. 


Non-alcoholic. 
Only 43 Calories. 


Imported by Guinness import Company, Stamford, CT 06901 


PLAYBOY 


172 


going to work, and nothing could be more 
clear than that. 

She was going to have to move right 
away to get herself off the hook, It was 
going to total a lot of people. Her father 
would go out of his mind. When she did 
what she had to do, it would bring a lot оГ 
punishment down on her, but she had time 
on her side. All she had to do was watch 

nd wait and after a little while, her 
grandfather would let her back into the 
family and she could move ahead on get- 
she wanted with some alternate 


. 
The enormous room was arranged so 
that all the guests were seated at large 
tables on three sides of the dance floor. 
[һе table of honor, where Maerose and 
Charley sat with the don, Aunt Amalia, 
Vincent, Father Passanante, Angelo 
Partanna and Eduardo, was at the center 
of the room. Over all of it, banquet room 
and dance floor, hung three large chande- 
liers from which were festooned crepe- 
paper ribbons of red, white and blue from 
one side of the room and red, white and 
green from the other. Balloons bobbed 
against the ceiling in a dozen colors, rising 
in the warmed air, There was a raised 
stage with two alternati Га orchestras: the 
four-piece band of musicians who were 
traditional fixtures at all Prizzi affairs and 
a modern, П-ріесе group that provided 
music of more current interest (up to 
1955). Along two of the walls were long, 
two-tiered tables that held heaped platters 
of salads, antipastos, cold cuts and sand- 
wiches; mountains of tiny macaroni and 
Jarfelline; piles of salciccia and banks of 
pastries and ice cream. On the third wall, 
there was a bar where the extra men con- 
gregated. There were six bottles of two col- 
ors of wine on each table. At the tables on 
either side of the table of honor sat the rep- 
resentatives of the families and one row 
removed from the dance floor were the 
statesmen, conglomerate heads and prel- 
ates, including the papal nuncio. All the 
men, except the prelates, wore tuxedos, 
The women were dressed merely spec- 
tacularly. The clergy wore scarlet or 
purple soutanes. On each wall hung enor- 
mous sepia portraits: Arturo Toscanini, 
Pope Pius XII, Enrico Caruso and Rich- 
ard M. Nixon in heavy gold frames. 
Maerose began the evening by clamor- 
ing so loudly for champagne that Vincent 
felt she was making it necessary for him to 
order at least a token glass of champagne 
for everyone in the room, which he 
resented bitterly and which necessitated 
hurried telephone calls followed by the 
rushed dispatching of large trucks from 
warehouses. Mae refused food. She was 
getting drunk. Charley kept asking her, 
then telling her, to take it easy. She said, 
“You want me to sit at this table or you 
want me to roam around and make a 
coupla new friends?” 
During one dance with Charley, she be- 
gan—by mussing the hair of other women 


and occasionally goosing the men. 

“Mae, fahcrissake! Whatta you doing?” 
Charley said, locking in a fixed smile. 

“Whatta you mean? I’m celebrating. 
We're gonna get married, remember?” 

Charley was on the dance floor with 
Julia Fustino, Gennaro’s daughter-in-law, 
who had helped entertain them in New 
Orleans. Julia had won the Harvest Moon 
Ball in the Lindy Class the year before she 
was married. She was a terrific dancer. 
Maerose began to behave like a jealous 
woman. She kept calling out to Charley 
from her table, "How come you don't 
dance with the old bags, Charley? How 
come you go straight for the gorgeous 
women?" or (very loudly) "Hey, Char- 
ley—come on! This is your engagement 
party, not an orgy," and "Come on, Char- 
ley, drag her into a telephone booth and 
get it over with, why doncha?” 

Gradually, conversations at tables near 
the dance floor stopped altogether as the 
guests watched Macrose and little else. 

Charley and Julia were dancing a sedate 
fox trot when Mae lurched out of her chair 
and grabbed Julia's arm, pulling her away 
from Charley. “1 saw that, you son of a 
bitch!" she yelled and whacked Charley 
across the chops. There was one great 
gasp from a few hundred throats and no 
gasps were greater or more horrified than 
the gasps from the center table directly on 
the dance floor. 

Maerose pushed Charley away and half 
staggered to the bar, where a line of young 
men had been drinking and watching the 
dancing. She grabbed a tall, dark one and 
pulled him onto the dance floor, where she 
went into as lascivious a dance as either 
Vincent or his father, who took a large 
gross out of pornography, had ever seen. 
Vincent was trying on a case of apoplexy. 
The don looked as if he were going to turn 
her into stone. Only Father Passanante at 
the main table seemed to be enjoying 
watching the dance, After one turn around 
the dance floor, which Eduardo said could 
have got her pregnant, as Charley came 
forward from having returned Julia 
Fustino to her table, Mae threw her arms 
around the young man, socked her hips 
violently into his hips and kissed him pas- 
sionately. Vincent rushed out onto the 
floor, got there ahead of Charley and pried 
the two of them apart. 

He grabbed her arms and began to pull 
her toward the door and said, “We're 
going home.” 

She jerked her arms loose. “Go home, 
Poppa,” she said. "It's past your bed- 
time.” She grabbed the young man's arm 
= pulled him away. She yelled at every- 

“In your hat and over your ears," and 
sprinted out of the Palermo Gardens, pull- 
ig the young man along behind her. They 
disappeared from the room. Nobody knew 
what to say. Then, all of a sudden, 
everyone knew what to say. 

Hitting the outside pavement, dragging 


the young man, Maerose yelled, “Zingo! 


The driver broke away from a knot of 
drivers. "Yes, miss?” 

“Get me out of here. Where's the car?” 
ngo ran to the illegally parked lim 
sine, four feet from the entranc 
backed it up in front of Mae. She 
the car and pulled the man 

As the limousine pulled away, Charley 
and Vincent came running out of the 
building. 
hat the hell is this?" Vincent said. 
“Did somebody put something in her 
drink?" 

“Holy shit.” Charley said. He wasn't 
sure what had happened, but he knew 
Mae had made her move and that he 
didn't want it that way. She had gotten 
him off the hook, but she had fallen into 
the soup. It was bad enough the way it had 
been, but who needed this? He couldn't 
figure out what to do except to let her 
sober up, then take her out to Vegas and 
marry her and stay away until the whole 
thing blew over. 

He knew she hadn't been any drunker 
than Father Passanante, who didn't drink. 
She had set the whole thing up because she 
thought he wanted to get off the hook but 
that he didn't know how to do it, He knew 
one thing: It was never going to blow over 
with Vincent. As far as Vincent was con- 
cerned, she had dishonored him in front of 
the most important people on the planet. 
She was dead where he was concerned, 

“I am ashamed in front of you, 
ley," Vincent was saying. “She spit on all 
of us." He was so iban he spoke in Sicil- 
ian. “She ain't my daughter no more," 
'Come on, Vincent, It's cold, We gotta 
go inside.” 

“How we gonna fi 


all them people?” 
Us enough 
for them. We found that out tonight.” 

When they got back to the table, Pop 
wasn't there. They took their seats, Char- 
ley began a conversation about the Mets. 
Eduardo talked with Father Passanante 
about the stock market. Vincent took three 
pills. Don Corrado remembered, aloud 
and in close detail, some wild boar he 
eaten years before on a trip with his wife. 

. 

Charley sat in the don's room in the 
don's house the next morning at 11:20, He 
looked into the don's tiny, cold eyes. 
“What will happen to her?" 

“Нег father must be considered, He was 
wronged in front of all those people, The 
family was wronged, She will be taken 
care of, but she must be banished from 
Brooklyn. What 1 am asking you to un- 
derstand is that she will be banished from 
the family—and you are a part of the 
family. She is banished from you, She ban- 
ished herself from you." 

“T understand, padrino.” 

“Have a cookie, Charley. Have a 
cup of coffee. Now, tell me about how ye 
handled Little Jaimito in Miami.” 


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Answers 754 
Answers (Requiring Thought)......1.25 
Answers (Correct) 2.50 


Dumb Looks Are Still Free 


ON THE ALAMO 


In 1836, when 180 Texans made 
a valiant stand against Santa 
Ann: 
that 150 years later, people would 
have the opportunity to park their 
posteriors on a limited (ten) col- 


army, little did they know 


lector's edition of an Alamo mis- 
sion chair. Texan interior designer 
Adam St. John crafted his 
Remember the Alamo chair from 
roughhewn cedar coupled with a 
faux-finished back that meticu- 
lously re-creates the mission's 
old stone walls, The price for 
Remember the Alamo is $2500. 
But if Texan lore doesn't fit your 
decorating scheme, consider 

ther St. John creation 
McChair ($2500), a tribute to 
the spirit of McDonald's, We'll 
take seating for six—to go. 


an 


CASE FOR SLUGS 


As faithful watchers of The 
Untouchables reruns already 
know, Chic 


s love affair with 

s back to the days 
of Prohibition, when gan 
used the 
tommy guns rather th 
family fiddle, The Pintail Corpo- 
ration, 91 Great Hill Road, Nau- 
gatuck, Connecticut 06770, is now 


п as repositories for 


in for the 


marketing a violin case—but the 
slu 


gs you get from it are hard liq- 
uor (or wine) instead of hot lead. 
Inside are the fittings for two full- 
sized bottles, plus two small ones 
for soda or tonic, a bottle opener 
and a recipe booklet—plus the 
German 


ade molded-composi- 


tion case is lockable, The price 


$160, postpaid. Play on, maestro. 
How about Cocktails for Two? 


THE SHOWER'S 
CUTTING EDGE 


Who wants to stand over a 


away whiskers, 


sink, scraping 
when you can complete the 
chore in the cozy confines of 
your shower—and listen to 
tunes, the weather or traffic 
reports, too? Rhythm in the 
Rain gets it all together in the 
form of a white molded-plastic 
shower valet that features an 
unbreakable mirror and 
individual niches for razor 
blades, shaving cream, etc 
with a removable AM/FM 
radio—all for 
sent to The Magni Company 
P.O. Box 17999, Anaheim 
California 92817 


song: 534,95 


17 


-GRAPEVINE 0-00-00. 


Need a Little Advice? 
Ask Miss Landers 


Remember when JUDY LANDERS (with sister Audrey) graced the 
cover and the pages of rLarsoy in January 1983? Well, as anyone can 
see, like fine wine, Judy is still improving. She has two movies out 
currently, Stewardess School and the John Candy comedy Armed 
and Dangerous. And if anyone can bring off the perfect wet-look 
look, Judy can. We're convinced. 


ALAN HOUGHTON 


Disarmed and Dangerous [| 
Motor City Madman and guitar whiz TED NUGENT is covered pretty 

well by LITTLE MISS DANGEROUS, namesake of his most recent 

album. Nugent just released his list of the World's Ten Most Dangerous \ 
Women, topped by Imelda Marcos. “She's brought a totally new mean- 

ing to the word decadence. | understand she douches with gold dust.” 


ALAN HOUGHTON 


Style Conscious 


When actress SUSAN STYLES isn’t appearing in guest spots 
on Divorce Court, Dallas and Mike Hammer or making 
movies such as Girls Just Want to Have Fun or Losin’ It, she 
sells real estate in Southern California. But not in this outfit, 
which is why, as a public service, we're bringing you this 
photo. Grapevine never sleeps. 


1986 ROSS MARINO 


z 


What Makes Sammy Run? 


The newly reconstructed Van Halen hit the high spots in 
Billboard with its recent album, 5150. Here are SAMMY 
HAGAR and EDDIE VAN HALEN doing a little celebrating 
out on the concert trail. David Lee Roth is off doing his 
own thing, and Van Halen fans don't seem to mind. We 
miss the old floor show, but not while Eddie’s playing. 


Three Brave Girls 
Shoulder Their Gorgeous Burdens 
This is our triple threat for September, from left to right: NATASHA MARKOVICH, RIO and 
GINA CALABRASE. They're all terrific to look at, so we wanted to share. Markovich has been a 
TV weather girl, owned a chocolate-chip-cookie factory, competes as a bodybuilder and will 
be featured in the action/adventure movie Doomsday Express. Rio appeared on the soaps 
Capitol and The Young and the Restless, as well as in two films, Ice Castles and Corvette Summer. 
Look for Calabrase in Roman Polanski's Pirates and in Red Moon, in which she plays guitar in a 
futuristic all-girl rock group. Natasha, Rio and Gina have beauty, talent and fine shoulders. 


1986 ANDY PEARLMAN / SHOOTING STAR 


which is a big 
break for us. She's 
been too busy 
lately to pull it up. 
You've seen Tara 
on TV in The Young 
and the Restless 
and on the big 
screen in Girls Just 
Want to Have Fun 
and the upcoming 
Hollywood in 
Trouble. We think 
Tinseltown is in 
great shape 

Tara’s there. 


NEXT MONTH 


SEX POUCE 


BRAINY BEAUTIES. 


“SOMEBODY OUT THERE DOESN'T LIKE US"—U.S. 
INTELLIGENCE AGENCIES THINK IT'S JUST A MATTER 
OF TIME BEFORE QADDAFI'S HIT SQUADS AND OTHER 
INTERNATIONAL TERRORISTS BEGIN PRACTICING 
THEIR DEADLY ART IN AMERICA. ARE WE PREPARED? A 
DISTURBING ARTICLE BY SENATOR ALAN J. DIXON 


“POLITICALLY CORRECT SEX"—NEVER MIND BIG 
BROTHER. IN THE BEDROOM, IT'S BIG SISTER WHO'S 
WATCHING YOU. SHE AND HER ALLIES CALL THEM- 
SELVES WOMEN AGAINST PORNOGRAPHY, AND THEY 
WANT TO CONTROL NOT ONLY YOUR ACTIONS BUT 
YOUR THOUGHTS AS WELL. AN ESSAY IN DEFENSE OF 
MEN'S RIGHTS TO NATURAL SEXUAL EXPRESSION—BY 
THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR, JAMES R. PETERSEN 


“20 QUESTIONS: JIM MCMAHON"—THE PUNKY 
QUARTERBACK OF THE SUPER-BOWL-CHAMP BEARS 
TALKS ABOUT BLITZES, HEAD BUTTS, HEADBANDS AND 
HOLDING YOUR NUTS 


"WOMEN OF THE IVY LEAGUE"—THE BEST СОМ- 
BINATIONS OF BRAINS AND BEAUTY FROM WHAT MANY 
BELIEVE ARE AMERICA'S BEST COLLEGES ASSEMBLED 
IN ONE PLACE, JUST FOR YOU 


“FIRST DATES"—TO TAKE THE UNCERTAINTY OUT OF 
ONE OF THE MOST TERRIFYING EVENTS IN LIFE, A GUY 
NEEDS TO KNOW ALL THE UNSPOKEN RULES. ADVICE 
FROM ONE WHO'S BEEN THROUGH IT, BY THE AU- 
THOR OF THE PLAYBOY ARTICLE AND HIT BOOK REAL 
MEN DON'T EAT QUICHE—BRUCE FEIRSTEIN 


“WENDY O. WILLIAMS UNVEILED"—THE PLASMATICS' 
FORMER LEAD SINGER, SOMETIMES CALLED A ONE- 
WOMAN RIOT, CALMED DOWN LONG ENOUGH FOR US 
TO TAKE SOME VERY SPECIAL PHOTOS 


"NIGHT VISION"—A KANSAS KID, NEW TO NEW YORK 
CITY, HOOKS UP WITH A SURVIVALIST—AND BARELY 
SURVIVES THE ENCOUNTER. A PRIZE STORY BY THE 
WINNER OF PLAYBOY'S FIRST COLLEGE FICTION CON- 
TEST, PHILIP SIMMONS 


PLUS: "PLAYBOY'S PIGSKIN PREVIEW," BY OUR 
PRESCIENT PROGNOSTICATOR, ANSON MOUNT; 
“USSR TODAY,” A POINTED PARODY OF THE PINKO 
PRESS, BY PAUL SLANSKY; PLAYBOY'S FALL FASHION 
GUIDE; AND MORE 


The e Spirit of America 


|4 
3 
Where the woodland farmer flourished, the miller was E 
not far behind. Independent and enterprising, he signalled the coming Lie] 
of trade and prosperity. And looking to the future, he relaxed at T 
day's end with America's native whiskey: Kentucky Bourbon. 
Old Grand-Dad still makes that Bourbon much as we 
did 100 years ago. It's the spirit of America. 
For a 19" x 26" print of Mabry Mill, send a check Ya | 
or money order for $4.95 to Spirit of America offer, P.O. Box 183V, 


Carle Place, NYS. E^ 
Old GrandDad | 


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WARNING: Cigarette 
Smoke Contains Carbon Monoxide. 


Kings: 8 mg “tar.' 0.5 mg nicotine ^ 100's: 10 то"